# Moving on when husband is a friend but nothing more



## fadedsmile (Nov 4, 2013)

I have been on these forums for about a year now, and received some great advice on how to deal with my husband's long term EA / potential PA (no proof). 

The quick, quick version is that husband - met 1997 and married in 2003 - had a 4+ year EA with another woman, he claims strictly texting, but she lived locally and they "sexted" (which he'd never sext with me...) and send naked photos. Kicker is OW was 300lb+ and I am fit and consider myself fairly decent looking. He said they never got together in person - I asked for him to take a lie detector test to prove no PA and he said no ("because he'd fail anyway since he'd be nervous".....). He claims to have severed ties as soon as I found out and she has since moved very far away. I busted him in Feb 2012 and since then we have not had sex but one time early on because I have ZERO attraction after the incredible betrayal. Our sex life was always extremely lackluster and he turned me down regularly. 

Anyway, fast forward 2+ years to now. I have finally come to terms with everything and figured out how to live my life without him (I make 1/3 what he does and have a large horse farm and good horse business - aside from regular 9-5 state job - so I was trying to figure out how not to lose everything). Other than the infidelity issue and lack of sex and intimacy we have always had a good friendship / working partnership. We get along great, live well together, he's very responsible, doesn't mistreat me, easy to get along with, respectful, etc. Just there is NO physical attraction on my part. And I don't want to sign up for another 40 years of mediocre sex and lack of intimacy plus the trust will never be the same, of course.

We have finally talked out the details of sort of how we'd separate and when - but I find it hard to actually pull off because he says he doesn't want it (yet we have had no connection of any sort in 2+ years...) and so he lets any effort I make to move forward die out after we discuss it. Then we go another month and have to start the conversation over and same thing... I also guess since we are friends and he is a good roommate I find it hard to break the relationship - I have been with him since I was 19 so maybe that's the problem. But I know I don't want to have a physical relationship... so both of us have to move on unless we both don't want anything more for the rest of our lives (not me! I just turned 36). No children... he has a shift job where he works 24 hours at a time and has always been that way. I thought it was a good thing until realized it gave him 24 hours to talk to the other person. Could be doing god knows what during that time now at work - hard to trust.

Soooooooooo, is this normal or ?? Now that I am over the hatred and pain of what happened - which I had to let go of because it was killing me and aging me, etc - it's easier to be complacent but then again I also look forward to being single as well and would love to be able to date other people. The thought of him dating other people does not bother me at all. However, I guess it's unrealistic to think I won't miss anything about the relationship because most of it was very good until he blindsided me and ruined it. I had never an intention of getting divorced until then.

I am NOT a good decision maker and even though I feel like the decision is clear and made, and want to move forward, but I occasionally still waffle. Is this normal? :scratchhead: For instance, I hit a deer in my car the other night and was thankful for his help in dealing with it... but I guess anyone could help me with that. See what I mean? Any advice is appreciated!


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I can relate...my H and I have zero intimacy yet I stay for different reasons....fear, don't want to rock the boat, etc. etc. I am angry at myself that I am not living life according to myself but according to what others will think if I decide to leave.

H had two EA's that I discovered about 2 years ago.

I hear you about the waffling part...I think though for me I want to go see a lawyer with a list of questions first. I like to have a plan and I need to do this strategically.


Mind me asking how old you are? I am 45 myself.


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## fadedsmile (Nov 4, 2013)

I am 36 - so I feel young enough to kind of start over at this point. It's weird because even though I don't show anything other than friendship towards him he still says he doesn't want it to be over... he has to be tired of the same things I am - and obviously something was missing to make him need another woman to fulfill whatever it was for 4 years (we'd been married 8 at that point so he was cheating for half of it....).... so I fear it would happen again and just don't have any interest in getting close at all. But then I also have trouble getting far enough away to completely call it quits. I guess it's fear of the unknown and fear of being alone, etc. Probably all natural but need to push through it. It's not fair to either of us to be just roommates but seems I want to move on far more than he does.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

My wife and I are just room mates. I'm 61, or will be in a couple of weeks.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Yes fear of the unknown is I believe what possesses many to stay in unsatisfying unhappy marriages. I am sure those of us that are undecided are not in the minority.

Is it normal to want to leave a marriage yet feel scared, worried that perhaps you are making a mistake? I always thought when you decided you would feel peaceful not freaked out wondering if this is the right decision...perhaps I am wrong?


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## fadedsmile (Nov 4, 2013)

So yes, to dormant, how do you deal with the other "needs" in your life? Are you supposed to live without them or ? Do you have plans to separate?

I actually don't feel freaked out about the decision, just maybe feel sad that the person won't be much in my life, because they have been a good friend (well, I guess not too good a friend to do what they did....). But, I can't stay mad forever, as it was killing me. That doesn't mean I want to be married - I would love to be able to see other people. He has to want to as well, you'd think. But, he was so disinterested in sex before that maybe he doesn't - who knows! Maybe this is a perfect situation for him, actually. I'm not bothering him for sex anymore!

I just fear if we sign something or work something out and I start trying to see someone else that things are going to go to hell in a hand basket... we have talked about it and I have even suggested an open marriage but he claims he doesn't want to see other people! But I can't be expected to do nothing forever when he doesn't want to end it and I am pushing but with not much action on his part. People say he's waiting me out for me to give up and stay, but who wants a person that doesn't want to "be" with you? I don't mind staying friends but then that will probably be hard for a new interest to deal with, don't you think? I guess not many boyfriends want to hear their girlfriend still talks to her ex husband and we had discussed still sharing vehicles and stuff like that. Just I think will I ever find someone that will tolerate us still being somewhat involved as friends? That's kind of what we have always been, in hindsight. We never really were truly intimately connected, which is why I think he was able to cheat for 4 years... and was missing something. I just never did anything about it like he did.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

fadedsmile- After reading your posts on this thread, my suggestion is "more thinking, less feeling."

You seem really bogged down in the emotions of the situation, to the point that you are not putting any effort into trying to change or improve it.

I see that you "Liked" Lila's post listing out your 3 options. So let's work with that.

Sit down somewhere quiet with a pen and some paper.

Spend some time thinking about your situation, your life, and where you are versus where you want to be.

Then start writing.

Where do you want to be in life? I mean ideally, not counting the unlikely stuff like winning a big lottery.

CAN you see yourself with your current spouse? Kids in a couple of years?

Write down how you would like life to be.

Then write down what has to happen for you to get there.

Write down generally what you would like your husband to do to have an awesome marriage with you. Write down what he HAS to do to keep you in the current marriage. Write down when he has to be doing these things in order for the marriage to be better.

Then write down what YOU are prepared to do to make the marriage better.

Writing all this down will lend some structure to your situation. You can still feel good, bad, or indifferent, but you will have this stuff written down to fall back on and measure your progress (or lack thereof) against.

Unfortunately, you also need to go visit a lawyer. You need to know what your legal position will be with respect to the financials if you choose to divorce. This is important information that you need to factor into your decision.

The other thing that jumps out at me in your writing is the lack of sex. That is REALLY IMPORTANT in a marriage. If you don't feel any desire for your partner, and can't find any in you no matter how hard you try, you should probably go find it with someone else.

If your partner can't find any desire for you, no matter how hard he tries, well, again, you should probably go find it with someone else.

I know you only get one side of things here, but the way you have described him, he just doesn't sound like much of a keeper. But it's your life, and your choices!


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

fadedsmile said:


> So yes, to dormant, how do you deal with the other "needs" in your life? Are you supposed to live without them or ? Do you have plans to separate?


I guess you could say I plan to separate, of sorts. I'm sure it is not the way you are thinking.

Early in 2013 and again in March of this year, I tried suicide. The fact I am typing this, it didn't work.

I now have the supplies I need to do it right and I seriously don't expect to see 2015.

That's separation........Right?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Read the book..."Too bad to stay, too good to leave". I downloaded it yesterday and it is a great book.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

dormant said:


> I guess you could say I plan to separate, of sorts. I'm sure it is not the way you are thinking.
> 
> Early in 2013 and again in March of this year, I tried suicide. The fact I am typing this, it didn't work.
> 
> ...


So you would rather end your life then simply leaving your marriage...I find that highly concerning. Please get help. No bad marriage is worth ending your life.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So STOP discussing this with him and just move forward with your plans to separate. You dont need his cooperation to divorce him.( I did it without one single word from my ex to either me or my attorney.) Hell, he is lucky you speak to him at all after the magnitude of that betrayal. You cannot sit in limbo for the rest of your life, and you deserve a real life for yourself instead of settling on being his "friend" forever. Thats pretty dismal.


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## fadedsmile (Nov 4, 2013)

Thanks for your advice, everyone. I am afraid I am an overthinker who looks so far into the future sometimes that I don't make decisions because I fear any potential long term consequence... 

I guess people chastise me for caring about his feelings at all; I guess it's just in my nature and I put others above myself too often. I still worry about hurting his feelings! (Even though he totally destroyed mine...)

Plus, we have some really good "couple" friends who don't know and I worry about them being upset about us breaking up. Is this stupid!? I don't want to hurt them! Ugh.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

fadedsmile said:


> Thanks for your advice, everyone. I am afraid I am an overthinker who looks so far into the future sometimes that I don't make decisions because I fear any potential long term consequence...
> 
> I guess people chastise me for caring about his feelings at all; I guess it's just in my nature and I put others above myself too often. I still worry about hurting his feelings! (Even though he totally destroyed mine...)
> 
> *Plus, we have some really good "couple" friends who don't know and I worry about them being upset about us breaking up. Is this stupid!? I don't want to hurt them!* Ugh.


Um yes, this is stupid! (no offense, just using your wording! ) Your friends have ZERO to do with your relationship, and if they will not be supportive of you, then they are not really your friends anyway. As far as HIS feelings go, it understandable to not want to hurt them, but YOUR feelings need to take priority for you. The world is not going to end because you do what is best for YOU, I promise!


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> Um yes, this is stupid! (no offense, just using your wording! ) Your friends have ZERO to do with your relationship, and if they will not be supportive of you, then they are not really your friends anyway. As far as HIS feelings go, it understandable to not want to hurt them, but YOUR feelings need to take priority for you. The world is not going to end because you do what is best for YOU, I promise![/QUOTE
> 
> I feel the same way...but not so much friends but my family. H is well likes in my family. Honestly yes he is a nice person. So I worry that my family will be like man you are making a big mistake. Where as in reality I think they do not have to live with him and some of the crap I have put up with so I think in certain circumstances especially if children are not involved as in your case OP...then you have to be selfish.


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## fadedsmile (Nov 4, 2013)

Hi, everyone! I just thought I'd give a little update... 

I have had discussion about signing papers or even offered some sort of open relationship or alterative agreement, but my STBX would not "give up" and kept telling me we could work it out, I love you so much, you're the only one for me, blah blah. As recently as 2 weeks ago he made another appeal when he noticed I had taken my rings off (never, ever before had I done that). I reconsidered and it was very painful to relive the whole thing again... but I still answered no, I didn't want to continue. At this point I am waiting on him to be willing to sign papers and I feel like I'm on hold.

Sooooo, Thursday last week I had a funeral to attend at 7pm about an hour from my house. He said he was going to go out with some friends and have a few beers, no problem of course. We weren't really doing things together anymore anyway. So, I get home about 9:30pm and don't think anything about him not being home. At 10:30, still not home, so I text, and he says will be leaving soon. I look at the "Find my iPhone" app on my phone, that he doesn't know about I guess, and the dot is over a house in a neighboring area but far from our house. I don't know these people who he is with as far as where they live (he works with them) so I didn't think much of it. I get ready to go to bed and fall asleep.

At 12:30am I wake up to potty. Not home... and I look at the FMIphone and he is still at the same spot. I thought it was weird because he never stayed out that late on a weekday worknight even though works shifts and the guys he's supposedly with work shifts also with him. He's an hour from home still also and has to get up at 4:45 for work. But I just shrug and go back to bed.

At 3am I wake up and still not there. So now I am really annoyed. We aren't on good terms, but he was usually friendly and respectful and I didn't think we were drinking and staying out all night... so I look at FMiPhone and he's at same house. I also notice he sent me a text at 1:30am saying he had drank too much to drive and was just going to crash at friend's house and go straight work in morning, since it was only about 15 minutes away. Ok.... sounded kinda legit but just still struck me oddly. 

In the morning he texts early something short like, "man I'm tired". I didn't respond, which is unlike me, because I am annoyed and a bit upset that he stayed out all night. He called a few times and I did not answer. 

So nothing else was said about it really except I questioned him about where he was and who he was with, I guess because I didn't believe him deep down. I have known him 17 years and it just didn't make sense totally and was out of character. I never question... so I guess he knew I didn't believe. I continued to be short and we didn't talk on the phone Friday or Saturday (actually have not since).

Sunday I am sitting on the couch and he's been at work 3 days straight, so I haven't even seen him yet (common - and yes checked his phone and he was there)... I pick up his iPad and open his FB just to check things which I used to NEVER do, but not snooping at all proved to be a bad thing for me in the end. I saw he had a recent message with a girl named Alana who I knew about as a friend he had had a few years that works near him. About 13 years younger than he and if I do say so, not as attractive as I am (couldn't help it lol). The message contained nothing out of the ordinary as far as sexually charged talk, but did seem like they talked often the way it came across. 

I suddenly got an idea... I wonder where this girl lives. I put in her name on White Pages and the address popped up - the same address he was that night. 

I was instantly enraged and confronted him immediately, and safe to say I told him I wanted to sign papers right away and I was 100% done, and how dare he do this to me when I am waiting on HIM to move forward and he wouldn't!!  He claimed he just stopped by to talk, and that it felt good to get attention and time went by so quick that he didn't realize it was so late. They didn't hug/kiss/have sex and just "went to bed" (which means slept in her bed together). Firstly, I call :bsflag:... we haven't had relations in a LONG time so he would be sufficiently starved for it like I am, so chances of him saying no would be slim, and this girl is single and likewise apparently hasn't had a boyfriend in quite some time. So, he said he knew I wouldn't believe it but how do you talk for hours and then just walk to the same bed and go to sleep? Doesn't make too much sense. What he should have done was at least leave at 10:30 and come home. Then tell me we needed to go ahead with the papers. He also was very callous when I confronted him, saying "I should have seen this coming" and "I was done with him anyway" and "It would have been nice to sleep with her, why lie". Classy. The attitude was really just crappy considering what he had already done and put me through. He would also tell me he was still my friend, ummmmm, that's funny because none of my friends try to destroy me multiple times with selfish ******* behavior!!

So, at least this has made my decisions infinitely easier, because I know now that whenever he's given a chance to choose his needs over hurting me, he will choose himself. This is incident number two at least that I know of. I am happy at least to have a decision made. :smthumbup: Ready to start living again!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Pack his bags and tell him to go stay with his little "friend". 

What papers are you waiting for him to sign, did you file for divorce? If not, then get to it! You dont need him to sign SH!T to be rid of him! Onward and upward!


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Sorry you are going through this, but glad you have made up your mind to move the divorce forward. Your husband is a serial cheater and you can do much better!! File the papers and get your divorce ASAP!


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

He is cheating on you. Forget his excuses. They aren,t real. Since he is cheating, he should pack his bags and find another place to stay. Stop caring about his feelings. He certainly doesnt seem to care about yours. Do not leave your house. Any divorce attorney will tell you so.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

toonaive said:


> He is cheating on you. Forget his excuses. They aren,t real. Since he is cheating, he should pack his bags and find another place to stay. Stop caring about his feelings. He certainly doesnt seem to care about yours. Do not leave your house. Any divorce attorney will tell you so.


Any divorce attorney will also tell her that he doesn't have to leave. So she might as well get used to the roommate scenario till the paperwork is done.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fadedsmile (Nov 4, 2013)

Thanks, everyone. He's back to being Mr. Nice now and trying say there is nothing between them and only just a friend to talk to. But, apparently she admitted she has always had a crush on him... and they went to sleep in her bed (he didn't sleep on the couch) and he slept in his underwear while she slept in a t shirt and shorts... presumably a Queen bed or smaller as it's a small house... so if it's just a friendly thing and you really didn't want to drive home since you were so close to work and it was late, how about sleep on the couch in your clothes??

He said he was so guilty, before I even found out, that he didn't eat for 3 days. That's a lot of guilt for "nothing happened".

His attitude was totally different also when I confronted him, saying "you were done with me anyway" and "you said to move on" and "I should have seen this coming". If nothing happened and it was totally innocent, then was what "this"? Don't buy it... he's back to rug sweeping it like he did his other indiscretion.  Now it was no big deal, they aren't dating or even like that at all, etc. Sheesh.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

fadedsmile said:


> Thanks, everyone. He's back to being Mr. Nice now and trying say there is nothing between them and only just a friend to talk to. But, apparently she admitted she has always had a crush on him... and they went to sleep in her bed (he didn't sleep on the couch) and he slept in his underwear while she slept in a t shirt and shorts... presumably a Queen bed or smaller as it's a small house... so if it's just a friendly thing and you really didn't want to drive home since you were so close to work and it was late, how about sleep on the couch in your clothes??
> 
> He said he was so guilty, before I even found out, that he didn't eat for 3 days. That's a lot of guilt for "nothing happened".
> 
> His attitude was totally different also when I confronted him, saying "you were done with me anyway" and "you said to move on" and "I should have seen this coming". If nothing happened and it was totally innocent, then was what "this"? Don't buy it... he's back to rug sweeping it like he did his other indiscretion.  Now it was no big deal, they aren't dating or even like that at all, etc. Sheesh.


You are talking to him WAAYYY too much. Time to stop the contact unless its about your son, and get the divorce filed.


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## fadedsmile (Nov 4, 2013)

Yeah it's a little odd to me now, he still now wants to call and text like we had been... I'm thinking, we are separated (except he has to live in house - but he works shift work and lots of overtime now to stay away, so I haven't seen him in a week and won't probably til next week as I'm going out of town over weekend to my mom's). I mean... it's a little hard on me to talk 10x a day when we're supposed to be apart?? I'm sure it's him not wanting to let go at all because he knows I am going to look for someone else. But he has someone else, I presume?? Lol


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

fadedsmile said:


> Yeah it's a little odd to me now, he still now wants to call and text like we had been... I'm thinking, we are separated (except he has to live in house - but he works shift work and lots of overtime now to stay away, so I haven't seen him in a week and won't probably til next week as I'm going out of town over weekend to my mom's). I mean... it's a little hard on me to talk 10x a day when we're supposed to be apart?? I'm sure it's him not wanting to let go at all because he knows I am going to look for someone else. But he has someone else, I presume?? Lol


So then you just STOP. Tell him that you will not return any texts or voicemails that are not about your son. And then do just exactly that. Communicating constantly with him leaves you just spinning your wheels. If he needs a buddy to chit chat with, he can hit up that OW.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

" I also look forward to being single as well and would love to be able to date other people. The thought of him dating other people does not bother me at all. However, I guess it's unrealistic to think I won't miss anything about the relationship because most of it was very good until he blindsided me and ruined it. I had never an intention of getting divorced until then."

My take is, he is satisfied with the status quo. You want to move on. Since it seems he will not file, you need to take the action to do just that.


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