# Should I stay or should I go?



## MamaBea (Jul 1, 2015)

My marriage has been having trouble for a while now. Probably a good year and a half. It all started when we bought our first home and we had a property dispute with a neighbor. My husband suddenly became very aggressive and angry person (marching around the front yard all puffed up and staring at the neighbors house, spitting in their general direction, playing really aggressive rap music out a back window very loud to bother them). He was never like that before. I would tell him he needed to cool off and not get so mad. He was only making things worst. His response was that he was a man and he was going to stand up to the neighbors and I would not understand because I am a woman. When we would argue about it he would say that we cannot stay together because I do not get him. It was shocking to hear him say that because in my mind. This was small issue and it was mostly his issue, he needed anger management, and not something that I would ever think would separate us. Eventually the dispute ended in our favor and things settled back down. He even started going to therapy. 

Then we got pregnant. Which was amazing! We both wanted kids for a very long time. We had a few arguments during the pregnancy, mostly about his aggression and I felt he was drinking too much. On one particularly bad night he was drinking and told me that some girl her worked with told him she would "f*#k him". Obviously I was very upset about it. We talked about it later and he said he was sorry he told me that way. The incident upset him and was uncomfortable at work because of it. I told him he should report it to his boss or HR because she was his subordinate and I did not want it to become a sexual harassment issue, and that he needed to tell her it was disrespectful to say that to a married man and then put some distance between them. So again, things leveled out. We had our baby boy and all seemed well. 

Until about month or so after the baby was born, he started going out drinking regularly. Also he started smoking weed almost every day. I was not happy about it and told him so. On the flip side he was much less angry. Then one day about 2 months ago, I noticed he was sending texts and immediately deleting them. I thought that was odd but just assumed he was talking to his drinking buddies and he would not want me to know about a planned outing. Then a couple days later I picked up his phone to send myself some pictures he took that day, and I saw a text he sent to the girl he used to work with (at this point they had not been working together for 3 months) which was requesting her to text him back, "please". It was this please that struck me. It seemed strange to ask someone that you supposedly have no care for to please text you back. He also used her name in the text, which again seemed wrong. I put the phone down and he quickly picked it up. When I picked it up again a few minutes later the text was gone. I asked him about it. He gave me some dumb story about her needing help with a job application and offered to buy him coffee as a thank you. He just wanted her to pay up. I was not buying it. 

A couple days later, I figured out how to look up "deleted" text on an iphone. He fell asleep on the couch and I took the opportunity. Bingo! I found a number of messages that he sent to her about wanting to be with her. Telling her that he would wait for her for 10 years (she had a boyfriend). That he would be there for her and her kids. Even a somewhat sexually explicit message about oral sex. At that point I woke his ass up! He was shocked and crying and begging my forgiveness. I was cold and assertive. I could not believe it! I had never even suspected. He maintains that it was just a texting relationship. He had a crush and I was somewhat distant after the baby, so he craved the attention. It was a moment of weakness. They never acted on it. I tried to remain positive and give him the benefit of the doubt. There were a few factors that backed his story. She lives far away in another town; he is never gone for very long so meeting up would be difficult; I saw a few messages he sent telling her he wanted to stop communicating with her. I told him I needed full transparency, I wanted to see all the messages from him and her (I had yet to see her messages to him), and I needed him to make some changes (less drinking, weed, and anger). I felt there was only so much compromise I could make in this relationship and if I was going to accept this something else had to give. He agreed to all my terms. We were even looking into therapy. 

For awhile things were great. He was a wonderful and doting husband. He was stepping up as a father too. He never left my side, for about a month or so. Then it started again. The drinking, the smoking weed, and today, the anger. He says the neighbor was staring at him and parked in front our house. I told him repeatedly that I did not like that and I did not want our son to see this type of behavior. He basically told me that he could not be with me if I feel that way. That I should just leave and stop wasting his time. This is a constant issue when we fight. He always says that we should just end it and stop wasting time. That he will need to look for an apartment. It's infuriating! I cannot stand it when he immediately jumps to divorce or separation when we argue. It is so damaging. Which I have told him. Yet he always says stuff like this. 

Right now I am feeling pushed to place where I am not sure I want to stay. I feel I am making too many compromises. I keep telling him we need therapy and he just ignores me.  I think the biggest reason I am not able to just end it is inconvenience. It sounds exhausting and expensive to separate. Financially we are better off together. Neither of us makes much money. But I do not have the energy to fight anymore. I am just not sure what I want or what is best for my son. I need opinions from objective parties, please.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Depending of where you live you can explores resources and programs for infants and their mothers, to help you with basic needs if you divorce him. I don;t think it is wise to stay in abusive relationship just because it is convenient for you (financially). He is addicted to all kind of things and he does not want help. He already told you that you are wasting his time. If he does not want MC you can go for IC and they will give you more options you can choose from in making a decision. Good luck.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Pack a bag and leave with your child. Tell him you can't live this way and that papers will be arriving soon. "Sorry you are now sorry, but it's too late. I can't live this way. It's over and I'm not coming back".

That'll get his attention. You THINK you've gotten his attention before by threatening. Not even CLOSE!


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## MamaBea (Jul 1, 2015)

To clarify, he is not abusive. He has never been physically aggressive toward anyone. He can be verbally aggressive when we argue, but I am too. We both say hurtful things in the middle of a fight. I love this man, and we have been together for a long time. That is hard to walk away from. And I think with therapy and change we can get back to a place where we are healthy again. I am just not sure if he is capable of change anymore.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Seems to me that he controls you with separation threats and you allow it.

Tell him to get the fvck out, if you do that you might have a chance to save things. Right now he's in control and has no incentive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MamaBea (Jul 1, 2015)

I have told him that when he says things about separating, it is damaging to our relationship. That the more he says it, the more conceivable it is to me that we can be apart. And it's so frustrating because the way he says it it's like "why do you want to be with me if I'm such a horrible husband?" or "If you can't trust me then we cannot be together." or "If we get a divorce where am I going to go?"


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Stop and ask yourself if you would have accepted this behavior at the beginning of a relationship with him? You need to give yourself the same respect you would have back then.

I know your dynamics of relationship has changed... you've got a child, you've got a home you are purchasing, you've got years of devoted time into the relationship. You've also got to take all that into account. But please, don't sell yourself short that you deserve less of a life/relationship/marriage than what it was or could be. And then let him know.

Be frank. Tell him what you want. Tell him what you expect for certain situations... Discuss with him exact limitations for texting relationships with friends. (both male & female.... female for potential emotional affair(s) and male for potential "pals" that are enabling his drinking/drug over usage). 
Then also realize, it is up to him to change himself/things. You cannot force him to be less aggressive. You cannot control his escapism (drink/drugs). You cannot "make him" be happy again.

You can tell him you will be there for support. You can tell him you'd like to help him to find footing back to a solid relationship, where maybe he can find some self happiness. You can try to find things to do together that can take the stress off of his time alone, that he is driving himself away from you.

However, it has to be him doing changes. You cannot change his attitude for him.

Maybe even give him a time limit. (?? Not sure about this as it seems he is looking for an "out").. Giving him a time limit might backfire. That he knows he doesn't have to try... like... if 3 months.. 6 months.. whatever... He'll be like "well, it was your decision, times up, so i;m outta here." making it sound like it was your decision to split.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

MamaBea said:


> I have told him that...


WOW. You TOLD him already. And he hasn't changed. Hmmm... I'm all out of suggestions.

Talk is cheap. DO. Crash his world. Then he can rebuild it. There is no other way. I've been there. Trust me.

And ignore the advice from all the women. They have NO CLUE what is making this man tick. None. I do. I was him until my wife crashed MY world. But it was too late. She's gone for good. But I changed. On the spot. Her "telling" me didn't do anything for 10 years. Her "doing" fixed me in one horrible moment.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Chelle D said:


> And then let him know.
> 
> Be frank. Tell him what you want. Tell him what you expect for certain situations... Discuss with him ...
> 
> You can tell him. You can tell him.


See what I mean. I don't even have to look up the profile to tell this this a chick.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

MachoMcCoy said:


> See what I mean. I don't even have to look up the profile to tell this this a chick.


User name would indicate that. You have awesome powers of deduction man.

Yes, you are probably right. Leaving him would probably be the only thing that will wake this bastard up and make him be a man. Sorry you had to learn it the hard way.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You should call his bluff and leave.

And btw, he had an affair. He may still be in it.

The only thing he will understand is if you stop 'reasoning' with him and show him the consequences of his behavior (which includes unfaithfulness, in my opinion).

You have to be walking out the door for him to take you seriously & by the time you get to that point, it may well be too late for you. If I were you, I would already have had enough.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

MamaBea said:


> I have told him that when he says things about separating, it is damaging to our relationship.


What it tells me is that he has no interest in changing the dynamic of your relationship. He is only interested in either continuing as is, or ending it.



MamaBea said:


> That the more he says it, the more conceivable it is to me that we can be apart.


What that tells me is that his strategy is working. He would prefer separation/divorce to changing his ways, and he knows that if he beats you down with the idea long enough, YOU'LL initiate the split and he doesn't have to look like the "bad guy."



MamaBea said:


> And it's so frustrating because the way he says it it's like "why do you want to be with me if I'm such a horrible husband?"


He knows those things work on you, make you stop harassing him about changing. Here's how you answer:

"It's your choice how you behave. I don't want to be with a horrible husband. I want to be with a loving and loyal husband. I've seen you behave that way and I know you can do it."



MamaBea said:


> or "If you can't trust me then we cannot be together."


"That's right. A marriage without trust is no kind of relationship. You created the distrust. You have to fix it. If you won't, then we have no marriage."



MamaBea said:


> or "If we get a divorce where am I going to go?"


"If we divorce, that's not my problem. But staying together like we are now only because we have nowhere else to go is going to drive us crazy."

You've given him enough opportunities to change, and he hasn't managed to keep it up in any sort of sustained way. Next time he threatens separation/divorce, call his bluff and sadly nod your head and agree. As others have said, this will affect him in ways 'nagging' will never reach him. He'll either react in anger, and you'll know you made the right choice, or he'll try harder to impress you. Require counselling. If he refuses, again, you'll know you made the right choice.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Why not read "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" by Mira Kirschenbaum:

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship: Mira Kirshenbaum: 9780452275355: Amazon.com: Books

I read this book recently and found it really helpful - it allowed me to look at my situation more objectively and make the decision with clarity and confidence. I'd been wondering throughout my 2.5 year marriage whether or not I'd made a big mistake by getting married and reading the book helped enormously. It takes you through different types of situation step by step so that you can make a sensible and informed decision on whether or not to stay.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Bea, I wonder how you are doing. I hope you are finding the solution to this issue. Stay strong.


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## MamaBea (Jul 1, 2015)

Thanks for all the helpful tips and support. Things have calmed down. It's so difficult when things are going well because it makes you forget that you were angry and why you were angry. 

I am trying to keep my head on straight as we continue to be happily married on the surface, but I am still seriously weighing my options. I do not want to keep going back in fourth in this cycle. 

I think counseling is our best bet. I need to approach him with that now that we are both calm and rational. I think if we are going to stay together, we need it. 

alte Dame: I agree with you regarding the affair. I believe it was short lived, but something had to have happened physically. The things he said to her in text would not be said without any sort of encouragement. There was something more. However, I know he regretted it and was actively ending it before I found out. I am trying to trust that he is no longer in contact with her. He is never away from home long enough to actually meet up with her. The only time he is away is to go to work which is at the same time everyday. He never has "an early meeting" or any other excuse to be away. And as for his phone. I pick it up and check it every now and then and check the phone records, but obviously there are ways around that, but I just have to trust a little. 

I know it may seem foolish. But I do not want to end my marriage. I am willing to leave him for awhile, if it comes to that. I hate to let my family in on my problems, but there are people the baby and I can stay with if needed. I am trying to stay focused on fixing this. I know if we just try to ignore these issues nothing will get better.

Thanks again for you words.


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