# I'm at my ropes end



## Ephram Cole (Dec 25, 2020)

Okay, here we go. Long post and story incoming, please forgive me.

To preface things, my wife suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder as well as several piggybacking disorders such as anxiety, depression, paranoia, PTSD… You get the idea.

I have been diagnosed officially with Bipolar Disorder Type II, general anxiety disorder, and general depression disorder. I also suffer from my own fair share of paranoia and attachment and abandonment issues.

My wife is an incredibly kind person, I don't want to sound like I'm saying she's awful. I know she suffers from her disorders and it makes things difficult for her. If anyone here truly understands what BPD is like then you'll know how difficult it can be for her sometimes. My own disorders and my responses to her disorders make things difficult as well for both of us.

I do admit that I have an issue with honesty, largely due to past traumas. I have found since being a little child that sometimes it was easier to lie about things then be honest. If someone is going to become angry over something small, why upset them. Just lie about it. If you know someone will have a negative reaction to something that might hurt them but ultimately is not a bad thing, why submit them to the pain in the first place? Keep it from them and buried deep within yourself so that never comes to light. if someone will get angry over something innocent, why bother sharing it?
I know these thoughts are wrong and I struggle with them daily.

I am doing everything I can to be as honest in these next paragraphs as I possibly can be both on my part in things that I have done and on my wife's and things she's done.

She's been my biggest support for most of our relationship though. And in times when I thought for sure she'd walk... she stayed. I've put my wife through a lot these past few years.

There have been times that she will call me out on doing something that I know I shouldn't and instead of just owning up to it I lie about it or verbally fight her on it. This conflict inevitably pushes her disorders to the brink and we end up in a fight.

I pray she never find out about this post because if she does I know it will just hurt her more and cause more problems for us, but I need help and being honest about all of these things up front, I believe, will give you folks the best possible clarity to be able to give advice.

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I don't know if I just chose to ignore red flags ever since I first met her, or if my own issues have caused more problems than not. What I do know is that my wife, let's call her Abby, and I had known each other for nearly five years before we started to date and for the entirety of that time, while we were friends, I had a huge crush on her and wished we were more. I remember even asking her out multiple times throughout our friendship each time being turned down only for her to start dating someone else a few days days to a few weeks later. All the while, I was the person she would come to to confide in about anything bothering her. I was who she would go to for help.

Eventually she moved out of town and I gave up on pursuing her. We slowly drifted apart until one day she shows up on my doorstep to return something that she had borrowed years earlier And to inform me that she was moving back to town. Upon seeing Abby after a couple years of little to no contact my feelings for her started to resurface. These I quickly tried to ignore because let's be honest if she's gonna turn me down three times already over the course of our friendship what would change things now...We hung out and did friends things, shot pool, had a couple drinks here and there, but that was it.

A mutual friend of ours introduced me to someone online, let's call her Mandy, and it slowly developed into a long-distance relationship. And here's where everything gets crazy. In my excitement and belief that Abby would be glad that I had found someone who made me happy, even if it were a long distance relationship, I told her about it. The very next things she does is say, "I guess I missed my chance."

I'm sure you all know what I did next. I ended up tanking my LDR and friendship with Mandy because I wanted to pursue what I had wanted for years with Abby Which in and of itself may not be the worst thing ever, but because I wanted to maintain a friendship with Mandy it made things bad. I also struggled to end things with Mandy and ended up leading her on while I had started dating Abby until, what I believed happened was, our mutual friend told her I was seeing Abby.

Flash forward a few months and my now girlfriend, Abby, accuses me of trying to cheat on her with Mandy who was coming into town because of a ill family member. Now I admit my mistake in this situation. I did not inform Abby that my ex and I were talking about getting together and having lunch to finally meet in person and be an emotional support that she needed in this difficult time of her life. But I never intended on cheating, being unfaithful, or otherwise doing anything that would hurt my Abby.

Well... she found out and that was the first in a long line of cheating accusations that continue to this day.

From that point on Abby never really trusted me and insisted that she help me grow because _she used to be where I was_ in the sense of personal growth.

I blocked Mandy at Abby's insistence and tried to move on from it, but the accusation periodically resurfaced that I wanted to cheat with Mandy until I broke and lied, saying I secretly wanted her to try to seduce me. It got Abby off my back about it and we moved on, or so I thought, me working to rebuild trust that never should have been broken in the first place.

A year later Mandy messages me from a new phone number saying Merry Christmas. I panicked because I knew if Abby found out she would think I was talking to Mandy again, didn't reply, and blocked the number. Not telling Abby was a huge mistake. She could tell that I was hiding something from her and six months later I ended up breaking down and told her that Mandy had messaged me but that I didn't respond and blocked her again. Well, Abby didn't believe me and instead believed that I had continued messaging Mandy in secret and just deleted all the messages before I told her. We argued about this for weeks before she finally stopped. However anytime an argument would arise this topic was brought back up as a reason why she didn't trust me.

Eventually the topic all but disappeared. Which made me happy. I was no longer being accused of things which I knew deep down I never did. Our problems however didn't disappear. Even if Abby didn't accuse me of being unfaithful she would still always accuse me of lying to her and would go through my phone. Throughout all of this however I still loved her and wanted to move forward with our relationship.

We ended up getting married, Although it was before either of us were ready for it. I still periodically get guilt tripped that I didn't do enough to prepare for, save up for, or help with our wedding. Perhaps that was because somewhere deep down I was unsure if we should continue our relationship at all. Regardless however we wed.

A few months later and we had a violent confrontation in which my nose was broken. This I hid and eventually another confrontation happened only this time I dodged the headbutt and countered with my own.
-I will ALWAYS regret breaking Abby's nose in retaliation for almost getting mine broken the second time.-
Police were involved and because she attacked me first she was arrested.
Court hearings, probation, you get the drill later, we are still together but now how dare I send her to jail. I fought the police tooth and nail against them arresting her. I begged them to arrest me because I was the one who ended up injuring her.

I orchestrated her plea deal with the DA so she would simply get probation. But it was all my fault that she went to jail in the first place. And I heard about that for months and still occasionally do.

Right around that time a mutual "friend" noticed the weakness in our relationship and tried to insinuate himself into it to pull her away from me. While this didn't work it did open her mind up to the possibility of us having an open relationship, something that I did a poor attempt at expressing I was not comfortable with. Whenever we would talk about it I would get upset, I'd cry at Abby about it, saying that I don't think I can do it but if that's what she really wanted I would try because I love her and I want her to be happy. Consenting to an open relationship was done more out of guilt for hurting her in the past throughout our relationship then ever wanting it myself.

Well, she found a partner … two partners and of course I had still found none. We had established two rules. One chosen by her, "No-one we know" and one by me, "Nothing is to happen unless we inform the other first." I didn't want it at all but I felt that ground rules might make it bearable. I always felt it was unfair that she had partners and I didn't so I continued trying to pursue it. This only proceeded to drive me crazy … Literally.

I ended up in a mental hospital for over a week after admitting that I wanted to kill myself at the time to my managers at work. I had a massive breakdown while Abby and I were arguing on the phone on the way to work which led to that conversation with management.

While at the mental facility I met a very kind young woman, we'll call Samantha, who reminded me what it felt like to feel good about myself and unfortunately I had begun developing feelings for her. She reminded me a lot of Abby... all of her good qualities anyways. Without meaning to, I grew very close to her.

When I returned home I had an ultimatum for Abby. "We either end the open relationship attempt or we get a divorce", yet before I could tell her this she told me she had decided she no longer wanted to pursue it because she realize now how much it was hurting me. Abby also confessed to me that one of the nights I had called her while in the facility she was with someone... someone she knew... without me being informed first... both ground rules broken.

I struggled severely with this at first but chose to forgive her and move forward. Ever since then however our relationship has slowly deteriorated worse and worse. Meanwhile my feelings for Samantha have never fully gone away. I am now accused of wanting to be with Samantha over Abby.

I am ashamed to admit that I have fantasized about the idea of being with Samantha. The short amount of time we spent together in the facility we had grown very close and she means a lot to me. Samantha had helped me through the darkest period of my life and some part of me feels as if I owe her something.

---

I just don't know what to do to make things right. I'm afraid that our relationship is so far gone that there's no fixing it. I desperately want to find a way to make things right, to make amends, and to heal the damage that is been done. I know I've made a lot of mistakes in this relationship. I have not been entirely honest with my wife, hidden things from her, and otherwise given her reasons to be suspicious of me. But I never did any of these things that I'm being accused of. I don't know how to help us move forward and heal if I can't prove I'm not the person that she believes I am now.


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## Sukisue1234 (Jan 17, 2018)

Wow just get a divorce and both go on your separated paths this is too much for any marriage to be healthy


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Ephram Cole said:


> But it was all my fault that she went to jail in the first place.


No, Sir, I must categorically disagree. She chose her path of violence. She deserves jail. You do, too. Please completely abandon any use of violence in the future.

You have no marriage worth saving. These things about "bipolar" are NO EXCUSE for the behaviors. You have developed an "easy-way-out" mentality, as evidenced by your lying, and by your blaming of "bipolar". The person to blame for any of this is YOU. Not "bipolar".

Please make a decision, that from today forward, you are going to tell the truth. Take, and accept, the hard road.

Do not engage in any dating or activities which lead toward sex or marriage at this time. Get your divorce, and work on you.

I am accused of being a little church boy. These accusations are correct.

You may find, that as you stop lying to others, and stop entertaining these lies in your own mind, that your mental health will substantially improve. God made us in His image. God is "not a man, that He should lie....". Accept His image as the perfect image, and discard any other images. Other images lead to sickness.



Ephram Cole said:


> if I can't prove I'm not the person that she believes I am now.


It does not matter what your wife believes, or what any other person believes. It matters what YOU believe. Prove that you are the person God made you to be. Don't worry about others. Talk to Him.


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## Ephram Cole (Dec 25, 2020)

Okay, first off, the "but it was my fault she went to jail in the first place" was sarcasm based on what she's said to me about it. That she feels it's MY fault, not hers. I suppose I could have done a better job clarifying that point. In no way do I feel it was MY fault... Not in its entirety at least.

That night work was on my rear end and she pushed every one of my buttons when I got home. I was in a foul mood already and things spiraled.

Second thing, I didn't come here for a knee jerk "get a divorce" I came for advice on, if nothing else, how to work on my own self growth to prevent future problems and fix or at least make ammends for my past mistakes in this relationship.

Third, neither of us WANT a divorce, it's been an unfortunate topic in the past and we're in agreement, "we don't want that".

Fourth, I'm not "blaming BPD" FFS.

And finally, if I wanted God as the main answer, I'd go to church.

I came for advice and help. Perhaps I over-shared, iunno, but I gave all that info for context not for "get out", "stop blaming others", "this is your fault", "turn to God", etc. I certainly hope this isn't what I can expect from this community. Cause, so far... Not impressed.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Okay. I won't give you exactly those pieces of advice. But, generally, if you ask for (free) advice on here, you have to not mind what people say. They get to give whatever advice they want to, and you get to decide whether to take it or not. You will get a wide variety of views. 

I'm not a believer in God. And I believe that, since the only person whose behaviour you can change is yourself, the only useful advice is for you to assume you need to see what your part of the problem is, take responsibility for that, and do whatever you can to change it. So yeah, I'm with "stop blaming others", because it doesn't help you. 

As far as I can see, the main part of your problems is caused by this:


Ephram Cole said:


> I have found since being a little child that sometimes it was easier to lie about things then be honest. If someone is going to become angry over something small, why upset them. Just lie about it. If you know someone will have a negative reaction to something that might hurt them but ultimately is not a bad thing, why submit them to the pain in the first place? Keep it from them and buried deep within yourself so that never comes to light. if someone will get angry over something innocent, why bother sharing it?


It speaks well of you that you understand this, and also that you want to spare other people hurt. Despite that, I think you need to evaluate whether that is helping you or not.



Ephram Cole said:


> I don't know how to help us move forward and heal if I can't prove I'm not the person that she believes I am now.


Only by _actually being_ a different person from now on. Not by proving to her that you never were.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Ephram Cole said:


> Okay, first off, the "but it was my fault she went to jail in the first place" was sarcasm based on what she's said to me about it. That she feels it's MY fault, not hers. I suppose I could have done a better job clarifying that point. In no way do I feel it was MY fault... Not in its entirety at least.
> 
> That night work was on my rear end and she pushed every one of my buttons when I got home. I was in a foul mood already and things spiraled.
> 
> ...


Well, I'm actually not at all impressed with your response here to your first TWO replies...let me assure you, if you are going to nit-pick and complain about every response you get, NO ONE is going to take time from their lives to post anything to you at all. So the best thing you can do is to read the replies and if you don't like what you hear, either share more information to clear up any misinterpretations, or quietly disregard what doesn't help you. 

If you want more "impressive" advice, maybe you need to pay for a professional counselor. In fact, that might be a really good idea - have you tried marriage counseling together...?

As for stating that neither of you want to divorce...well, then, you definitely need to treat your marriage like it has much more value to you both than how you've been behaving so far. 

I don't really know where to begin...read back over your opening post...I think just about EVERYTHING you did, you made HUGE mistakes and should have basically done the opposite of what you ended up doing. You said you struggle with honesty...and obviously communication in general...how about setting boundaries...? And impulse control...? And coping mechanisms for when you don't get what you want? Those are necessary skills for navigating any relationship, you won't succeed without some idea of how to use them.

I really do think you need to be in marriage counseling to help you both communicate better and to hold you accountable for making better choices with eachother. You aren't going to be able to find any online forum that can help you clean up the mess you've made with your relationship and move forward in a positive way. You need a person in your real life who you AND your wife trust, and who can give you concrete solutions and coping skills.


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## Sukisue1234 (Jan 17, 2018)

The truth of the matter isn't a knee jerk reaction to your question s it's plainly that you both have lil to no regard for what is sacred about your marriage vows and supposed commitment to that marriage, cheating, violence, liying, and all out abuse in about every way a marriage gets hacked,, that is why I said just get a divorce and get it over with before someone dies or is in prison for life, no good has come from what you both are doing and it's very unlikely healthy to you both,, you both know this because of how it's affecting your lives, can you both stop this type of behavior and change your attitude es?? I say leopard s don't change spots, but maybe your both that exception.sounds like lots of drama to live in, maybe you both only relate to drama bonding, and the cayouse,


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## Ephram Cole (Dec 25, 2020)

I'm sorry for snapping and being rude/nit-picking. Deep down I know you all wanna help, I guess I just wasn't hearing what I wanted to hear. And divorce is the last thing either of us want. We do love each other. We have major problems, some recurring, but when things settle down, we're good together.

The physical violence wasn't explained well in my first post either. My wife lashes out when upset usually resulting in me being slapped or hit multiple times. These instances have become less frequent and less severe, yet still occasionally happen. I've had to hide bruises on me from family and coworkers in the past. I want to state for the record, the ONLY time I've ever struck her was the headbutt, and I hate myself for it to this day.

Both incidents resulting in actual injury were the end result of arguements that had me being hit repeatedly and with abandon. I had restrained(read grabbed) her wrists to prevent myself from being struck further both times. Putting my foot down and screaming that I wouldn't tolerate being hit anymore.

She tells me I triggered her PTSD when that happened and all she could think of was to try and get away. First event, she busted my nose and I hid the fact from everyone but her even though I had blood pouring from it immediately. Second time, I saw it coming and dodged, but yes I allowed myself to retaliate and did it to her.

If you were to hear her side, she reacts and lashes out because I don't listen/hear her, yet I literally sit there listening to and taking verbal abuse for up to hours sometimes because I forgot to do something... or because I'm accused of something I didn't do... until I just shut off or freak out.

I reached out on here because I want to be better. I believe she deserves it and, perhaps I am the primary problem. I'll only know for sure if I can effectively make changes to my trauma-based responses and just be a better husband in general.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sorry but there is no excuse for domestic violence and there is no excuse for her beating you/headbutting you. You are mad to stay with a violent abuser, and you could end up in hospital or worse and she could end up spending years in jail. Your marriage is a mess, I would suggest separating for at least for a year or two until you can both get yourselves sorted out. She need serious anger managment lessons just for a start. Oh and BTW the abused always make excuses for the abuser, just like you have done. They also blame themselves for the abuse just as you have done. I hope your eyes get opened so you can see how wrong and dysfunctional this is and that you need to get away from the violence and emotional abuse. .


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Ephram Cole said:


> I'm sorry for snapping and being rude/nit-picking. Deep down I know you all wanna help, I guess I just wasn't hearing what I wanted to hear. And divorce is the last thing either of us want. We do love each other. We have major problems, some recurring, but when things settle down, we're good together.
> 
> The physical violence wasn't explained well in my first post either. My wife lashes out when upset usually resulting in me being slapped or hit multiple times. These instances have become less frequent and less severe, yet still occasionally happen. I've had to hide bruises on me from family and coworkers in the past. I want to state for the record, the ONLY time I've ever struck her was the headbutt, and I hate myself for it to this day.


SO NO excuse for her acting like this. She is flat out abusive -- WHY do you put up with this? You are showing signs of an abused spouse ("I had to hide bruises"). You finally lashing back at her -- not great but completely understandable. 
This is NOT LOVE.



> Both incidents resulting in actual injury were the end result of arguements that had me being hit repeatedly and with abandon. I had restrained(read grabbed) her wrists to prevent myself from being struck further both times. Putting my foot down and screaming that I wouldn't tolerate being hit anymore.


Again, abuse. GOOD that you said you wouldn't tolerate it but -- what will you do when it happens again? Does SHE know the repercussions of her doing this? WILL you leave her? WILL you call the cops again? You need to be crystal clear on this and FOLLOW THROUGH.



> She tells me I triggered her PTSD when that happened and all she could think of was to try and get away. First event, she busted my nose and I hid the fact from everyone but her even though I had blood pouring from it immediately. Second time, I saw it coming and dodged, but yes I allowed myself to retaliate and did it to her.


HER attacking you is not "try and get away due to PTSD". AT ALL. She and you are trying to excuse her abuse.
If she truly has PTSD, is she in counseling for this? Has she progressed at all? Sounds like NO on both accounts.
Does she take anger management classes? All of these things are suggestions that are NOT divorce related -- will they work? Who knows, but they should be attempted.



> If you were to hear her side, she reacts and lashes out because I don't listen/hear her, yet I literally sit there listening to and taking verbal abuse for up to hours sometimes because I forgot to do something... or because I'm accused of something I didn't do... until I just shut off or freak out.
> 
> I reached out on here because I want to be better. I believe she deserves it and, perhaps I am the primary problem. I'll only know for sure if I can effectively make changes to my trauma-based responses and just be a better husband in general.


Again, NO EXCUSE for her -- you don't listen so she tries to head butt you and break your nose? Ummm, NO that is not a normal reaction.

YOU are NOT the primary problem -- again, you are exhibiting a reaction of an abused spouse.
SO suggestions:
YOU get into individual counseling and SHE HAS TO ALSO.
You BOTH need to get Marriage counseling to learn conflict resolution without resorting to violence, and to improve your communications.
I hope it helps.

I don't really see it working out -- she forced to you accept that she wanted to go out and bang others (again, abuse), and now that she's had HER fun, she wants to stop and make it all go away. I don't see that. You need to make sure you do NOT rug sweep this and SHE needs to work on making sure that her cheating (and that IS what she did) never happens again.


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## Misskitness (Dec 17, 2020)

Ephram Cole said:


> Okay, here we go. Long post and story incoming, please forgive me.
> 
> To preface things, my wife suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder as well as several piggybacking disorders such as anxiety, depression, paranoia, PTSD… You get the idea.
> 
> ...



It really sounds to me that you both have not addressed your own personal wounds enough to be with each other in a healthy way. You are just triggering each other, rather than healing together. First and foremost, therapy is an absolute must, at the very least, both individual and couple. Whether or not you stay together it will help you to sort out what is happening between you; what’s truly your relationship and what is old wounds being opened. 
People often end up in relationships that mirror or replay old situations they could not control, in an attempt to make things right. But that rarely, if ever, works. 
it seems like neither of you are aware of what’s truly at the root of your interactions, you’re just a clash of emotional overload that seems really confusing. The details of these clashes don’t matter, it’s why they become such big clashes to begin with. Where do all these feelings truly originate?
This cannot feel good for either of you. If you want to move forward as a husband/wife and as human beings, focus on your own pain and insecurities first, by yourselves. Then see what you want to do once you both feel more stable. Without a lot of personal work, this “trigger, react” cycle will likely continue until the situation is unbearable, if it isn’t already.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I see something here - you need constant validation. There’s a pattern here of seeking constant validation from other women online. I see this too in your responses - you don’t like being told the truth and it’s so much easier to gravitate to the people who don’t give you the hard truth about yourself.

Do you recognise this in yourself?

We are all flawed, and the greatest growth comes from really taking a hard look at ourselves and sometimes, just sometimes being at peace with our flaws. 

here’s a small step - start by not being reactive to the hard advice people give you. Just listen and don’t respond. Really take it in. Resist the urge to defend yourself, explain yourself.

And pls try not to text other women, online, new friend, whatever and idolise them so quickly. That must have destroyed Abby’s heart. You’re telling us how much she means to you and how kind she is, but you are giving her lies and always in contact with other women. Forget about upsetting the other women - don’t even start these friendships you know where this goes EVERY TIME. It breaks your wife apart, she knows the pattern too well. 

Try very hard, not to respond to my post with any emotion - I am not here to shame you, anger you, make you react.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Another thing - you owe Samantha nothing. You were in a psychiatric facility. You owed Mandy nothing either. I see no loyalty to your wife. She knows and feels in every way that your priorities are elsewhere all the time. The lies etc. you’re not lying to save her hurt , you’re lying to save yourself. Please please see this!!

Where in all of this are your feelings for her?? She’s your wife.


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## Ephram Cole (Dec 25, 2020)

You make a very good point Lucky, I do seek validation. It's something I lacked my entire life... Validation. I finally feel comfortable enough with myself to feel I deserve to be validated for my feelings and who I am, but it usually does end up in me talking with the wrong people about it. I can sit here and spew countless "reasons" for why I feel like this, but I know I'm going about it the wrong way.

I see the effort my wife tries to put in and how badly my old habits hurt her. I've seen since early in our relationship. I've pushed that old me aside again and again, but it keeps creeping back into my mind. Every single time things start going better it happens again. She sees the patterns, she told me that exact thing yesterday. 

It feels like this is something I may never get past because of how badly I need reassured and validated. It's self-destructive behaviour at its finest. Trauma from my childhood of never being enough, never being good enough, never feeling really loved fuels this and as SOON as I feel she's put even a little distance between us, for any reason, I regress to these old patterns.

I don't want that, I don't WANT someone else, I WANT to be with her, I WANT to somehow make things right and make ammends for my actions that have hurt her. But I've repeated things enough she really has no reason to believe or trust me. I've never done anything with anyone else and I don't believe I ever would while with her, but again, why should she believe that...

Yes she's reacting in a volatile manner, but my logical thought is... "can I really blame her?"


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Ephram Cole said:


> Yes she's reacting in a volatile manner, but my logical thought is... "can I really blame her?"
> 
> I know I'm going about it the wrong way.



You are looking for validation from someone who is NEVER going to provide it. NEVER. Her own problems consume her. She has no energy to use toward others.

You are living your life in a "reactive" mode..... please stop, and go to ACTIVE mode. It doesn't amount to a snowball in Tahiti how someone else "reacts". Let them handle their own problems. You ACT, not "react". Choose YOUR actions to be the RIGHT ones, and to hell with how she "reacts".


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