# Should I say something?



## waytoostressed (Jan 2, 2008)

I'm new to the forum but today is my 10 year wedding anniversary, however I'm in complete dismay.

This week I found a website my husband has frequented which is a gay porn site for men. I read his profile and it says that he is a "closet bisexual". He has written several posts about him not having encounters with men for 10 years and longing for that. 

I had no idea, no indication at all this was going on. He said in his posts he had been lurking since 2004. He has not engaged in any conversations that I could see but his first post was on Christmas Eve 2007 and it said he was looking for "friends and maybe more". Another posts was that he has always been bisexual and he will always keep it a secret and his wife doesn't know.

Here is my dilemma....should I confront him about it? I don't feel like I should unless he "acts" upon his desires. I'm deeply saddend and kinda felt like I'm not satisfying him enough with our relationship. Our sex life is healthy. I know he truly loves me but I feel hurt that he's doing this. Is that ok to feel that way? He made me a wonderful dvd for our anniversary with a song that meant so much to me with words that expresses his love. So I'm in shock that this is happening. 

My gut says to leave it alone and not say anything only if I suspect he is "cheating on me". Maybe this is just a fantasy and that's all.

Any guidance would be appreciated.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

You could try to bring it up in a casual way and see what he says. Or open a line of communication that might get his bisexuality out. The fact is thathe should share this information with you, and it is good that you know both that he is and that he has never cheated on you.

draconis


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## berlinlife06 (Dec 26, 2007)

I would try and bring up the topic in a conversation. The fact that he might be fantasizing doesn´t mean he is cheating. And even if you have the best sexual life, doesn´t mean that you can satisfy his desires of being with a man. He most likely loves you very much, but wants some other experience. Bring it up and probably he´ll open up.


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## mollyL (Dec 31, 2007)

There are lots of people whose sexual fantasies are just those: fantasies. For example,there are many women (and probably men) who get excited by "rape fantasies" that certainly don't want to be raped in actuality. If you could bring it up, gently, to your husband perhaps you two could come up with some shared fantasies that you might like to try. Just one last thing: if you are checking up on where your husband goes on the internet you should probably be prepared to not like what you find. Best of luck to you both, and I hope that your eleventh anniversary is much, much happier.


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## kajira (Oct 4, 2007)

I have a friend "now gay" who was married for many years, has children, lived the straight life. However, it was not who he was. He loved his wife and children very much and still does. Once he became who he is today he is a changed person and I think for the better. He still is supportive to the ex-wife and children and I think they are better for it.


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## Liza (Jan 2, 2008)

I think you should find a subtle way to bring it up, otherwise it will drive you crazy, watching to see how he looks at every man you pass. 

Don't blame yourself for his "bisexuality", he was that way even before you got married.

You are confident about his love for you, just continue to love him with all your heart.


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## waytoostressed (Jan 2, 2008)

Liza said:


> I think you should find a subtle way to bring it up, otherwise it will drive you crazy, watching to see how he looks at every man you pass.
> 
> Don't blame yourself for his "bisexuality", he was that way even before you got married.
> 
> You are confident about his love for you, just continue to love him with all your heart.


Thanks for everyone's replies...over the weekend I did make some subtle remarks and it must have worked a little. I noticed on his posts that he is thinking of telling me. I'm still in shock I'm thinking about asking him tonight...I'm very nervous and stressed about it. I just don't want things to change between us because I love him so much.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Then tell him that. Tell him you love him and want nothing to change but you know. I bet he is struggling with if he will be rejected by you if he tells you. It might be a relief for the both of you.

draconis


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

How did you find this site he frequents?

You need to decide, before you say anything too drastic, what your limits are. He isn't going to change, and your poking around in his fantasy life will serve no purpose if you can't live with his being bisexual, fantasy or not.

If you cannot live with the potential for his having a fling with a fellow, you need to have that out in the open. pushing ultimatums is the last thing you will benefit from.


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## waytoostressed (Jan 2, 2008)

I couldn't do it, I wanted to so badly to ask him and tell him I know but last night but I ended up with a migraine, sick at my stomach and just really depressed. As close as we are he could tell I wasn't feeling right. I was honest with him saying that I was having issues with insecurity (always have in my life and he knows that). I'm so afraid, afraid that he'll leave me because I found out or things will change that he'll never trust me. It was a mistake that I found the website, I wish I never saw it, but I happened up on it it through the drop down list on internet explorer, I click on it to see and he was already logged in so it was there in plain daylight. I guess curiosity got the best of me. I have tried to hint around as much as possible, sort of letting him know that I know somethings up by asking if he had anything he needed to get off of his chest, or if something was on his mind that he thought he couldn't tell me but I reassured him he can. I don't know if that is a good way of doing it or will it make him hide it even more? I'm so distraught over the whole thing. I support him as being this way, but I cannot control his feelings. But I'm not supportive in him acting on his feelings with someone else. We've never given each other ultimatums so that's never been an issue. He told me this morning to not feel insecure that he loves me he doesn't want anyone else and that he wants to be with me for the rest of his life. He said he loves me to death and he wouldn't make me the video he did of our life together after 10 years, and do things I like to do in life if he wasn't going to be with me. 

So my mind is just saying if this is just a "fetish" if you will or a "fantasy" sort of like someone looking at regular porn on the web then maybe I should wait on him to tell me? Maybe I should stop looking at his posts & just keep hinting around?

I do know that the replies to his post about him coming out to me, were telling him to be honest & open with me but it maybe too soon yet.

Maybe I should go see a counselor and tell them and see what they think I should do?  As a side note my husband is bi-polar and suffers from severe depression so this is why it's hard for me to say things sometimes without sending him over the edge. Thanks guys for helping me on this, it really helps to sort of sound off my feelings.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Well getting it off you chest s always a good thing. Here or with a councilor. The benefit to here is so many opinions, a councilor on the other hand may have inside help for you. If there are no children in the house and there are times when you are not home and he is one thing to try is leave up his thing on the computer as you walk out kiss him, hug him tell him you love him, go shopping and come home. He will se his stuff on the computer and know you know and that you still love him anyways. It might make him ease into telling you.

Of course there is always a chance that things like that can back fire or get the wrong reaction such as you know so he can chase a fantasy type of thing. But from all you say he loves you.

It reminds me of Plato (I think) where in Greek society men only married once. Young men would prostitute themselves so they could buy weapons for war. All men from 15-50 where required to be ready in time of war. After they married but if their wife died first instead of remarring they would pay young male men. The thing is though that while married they where loyal to their wives. I don't see that you have any belief he has cheated in any way. So along those lines I would not worry.

Just a few thoughts.

draconis


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## waytoostressed (Jan 2, 2008)

draconis said:


> Well getting it off you chest s always a good thing. Here or with a councilor. The benefit to here is so many opinions, a councilor on the other hand may have inside help for you. If there are no children in the house and there are times when you are not home and he is one thing to try is leave up his thing on the computer as you walk out kiss him, hug him tell him you love him, go shopping and come home. He will se his stuff on the computer and know you know and that you still love him anyways. It might make him ease into telling you.
> 
> Of course there is always a chance that things like that can back fire or get the wrong reaction such as you know so he can chase a fantasy type of thing. But from all you say he loves you.
> 
> ...


Thanks draconis :iagree: with what you said & this is what my heart is saying too, he is loyal to me and has always given me no other reason than to believe so. My mother has always said the phrase "don't borrow trouble" and that phrase just calls out to me. Why shake something that's maybe is not meant to be stirred up?

I think if I just let him tell me it would be better for both, I'm going to continue with hints to tell him I'm there for him if there is something on his mind. Thanks again this post shed some light & gave me a new prospective about it all .


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## berlinlife06 (Dec 26, 2007)

I think you should assure him that you are there in case he needs to talk. I think he loves you very much but doesn't want to hurt you. Maybe if he shares his fantasies and talks about it with you he'll feel better. On the other hand, telling him you know, would probably shatter his trust on you. At least it would happen to me.


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## debrajean (Dec 27, 2007)

I'm so sorry for your heartache and anguish, but the reality is, your husband is gay. He needs to face this as much as you do. You both need to really discuss the issue and make some changes in your life. Pretending that it's only a 'fetish or fantasy' will not make it go away. It's time to be open and honest with one another. He will not abandon you, he loves you, he has for ten years. Trust in that love.


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