# need some advice......wife got laid off i'm making her feel even worse :(



## xxpanipuri (Jan 18, 2010)

My wife and i have been married for 4 yrs not and together for 8.

for that entire time she has always worked, only times she didn't work was when she took a leave from her job for 4 months to spend time with her mom (she passed from cancer 4 yrs ago), and when she was on maternity leave. 


She recently got laid off this past week, and my first instinct is to start worrying about the pressure on me now to continue working and providing and taking care of my wife and my son. 

i'm 34 yrs old and haven't had to take on the pressure of taking care of my wife/son on my own, as my wife has always worked.....

we just bought a house in july, and have used up most of our savings, we are trying to sack money away....but that pressure is always there....right?

i hate the way i'm feeling right now, I'm a man and this is part of my responsibility as the head of my household. 

my wife obviously picks up on this and is pissed at me, and saying that she wants me to leave. I keep telling her that my goal is NOT to make her feel this way. she says i can't do much about it as my mom is like that as is my sister.....that we are all very selfish and always want to think about ourselves......

How do i make her feel that she can trust me....i'm hoping my actions show it in time.......

do i need to seek professional help to help me deal with this pressure? and/or my selfishness? 

is this just going to be an everyday struggle internally that i have to realize and make sure i'm always working on?

i love my wife and i love my son, nothing else in the world makes me happier.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Have you thought about the constant struggle she goes through in her mind everyday?

"OMG I lost my job...will we survive? What did I do at work to make me be the one to be let go? What if I had done XYZ? They don't like me, I didn't measure up, if I couldn't make it work there will anyone want to hire me? " She's also lost her everyday social connections and is now home and floating. If she's always been a hardworker that is an extremely difficult feeling. One day seems like the next with no change...there are no weekdays or weekends - they are all the same days.

She's hurt because you aren't acknowledging what she's going through. Its all "how this is making my life harder"...your not being empathetic. 

I understand its not easy for you either...but you didn't just loose a huge chunk of you identity. You just have to keep doing what you've been doing - parts of her whole life just got turned on their head. Maybe thinking about it from her point of view for a bit instead of your own will help.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I suspect there is a lot more to this story. Do you have an anxiety or panic disorder, perhaps? Are you always so anxious about yourself you have no time/energy to support her? There is something missing from your account.


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## xxpanipuri (Jan 18, 2010)

Nothing that I know of like that bottom line is that in every situation I can think of my gut reaction is to naturally think about myself and completely ignore how others around me are feeling I see my mom do it all the time! And I hate that I am becoming like her, I am considering going to see a therapist about this, if nothing else he/she will help me to better deal with this! I handle stress pretty well, but this is my reaction when I am initially thrown into a situation!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

I don't understand. What did you say to her to make her feel like you don't want the sole responsiblity of supporting her and your son?


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## xxpanipuri (Jan 18, 2010)

themrs said:


> I don't understand. What did you say to her to make her feel like you don't want the sole responsiblity of supporting her and your son?


i made her feel like she can't ever depend on me for anything....

when she was pregnant i was dealing my bs (2.5 yrs ago) of the pressure of becoming a father etc etc...but i got over that and everything changed when i held our son for the first time in my arms when he was born....

bottomline she feels as if she can't depend on me for anything, and that each time she needs to fall back on my i'm too busy dealing with my own bullsh1t and can't be there for her...

the reality is that yes my initial reaction is to think of myself first and deal with my own **** and process everything...once i get past that i'm fine and i'm trying to prove that to her....

also since our son has been born, we've lost that emotional connection we once had...and i want to try and repair that...i just hope its not too late....

i truly love her and our son...i love our family....and i don't want break apart our family...and only see my son a few times a week....he is the apple of our eye...

we had a discussion last night which later then turned into a mean attacking match against one another....so instead of pursuing the issue further i wrote her a 4 page letter this morning and gave it to her verbalizing my thoughts/feelings so that i could get that across to her without us getting into an argument....

the main problem is she has built up resentment towards me over the past 2+ yrs since i've been emotionally unavailable for her....

i'm seeking professional counseling for myself to help myself deal with my own bullsh1t......

all i want right now is for her to agree to allow me to prove to her i can make the effort that i need to make to re-connect with her...i feel like since that has been lost it is causing all these other issues....

our relationship has become stale and become stuck in a rut and i've taken her for granted.....

she's considering filing for divorce....and i don't want to put our 2 yr old son through that right now....

i know we still have that love for one another that we once had.....and i want the oppurtunity to find that again.....

this has opened up a can of worms which i've ignored for some time now....and i do not want a divorce....i just want a chance to prove to her that i can make things better and fix the things i need to fix on my end....and for her to meet me halfway....


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

I can understand that she feels little put out, being as she's looking for sympathy or support for her emotionally and you're worried about the weight on your shoulders. Does seem a little selfish, but she could try and look at it another way. It's good that you WANT to support your family, provide and be a man about it. 

However, she might feel that being a man about it means you do it, instead of worrying about it.

Have you tried to talk to her about her feelings? She probably feels like you're distancing yourself again. She needs you and so you turn to yourself and your issues. See, distance. 

Reach out. Put your worries aside for a moment and REALLY REACH OUT to her. Be there. Listen. Love.


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## Rob2380 (Dec 21, 2009)

About ten years ago my wife was laid off from a job that she had held for 18 years. It was devastating for her and ultimately led her into a depression that held on for a long time. As others have pointed out previously, being laid off can take a terrible toll on one's self esteem. Your entire world is turned upside down. What I noticed was the more I tried to be "helpful" in terms of suggesting tips for a job search, the more resentful she became. I came to learn that I was doing more harm than good with my suggestions. What she really wanted from me was support in terms of listening and some words of encouragement. As for how I dealt with things while she was out of work, well I must confess that it caused some anxiety at the time. I worried about our finances and became concerned when her job search became protracted. You have to let your wife know that you're there to support her in whatever form she needs, and show her you're in this together. Be there when she needs to vent, be there when she needs to cry. Recognize that she has a need to be angry and a right to grieve.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

A therapist will tell you to learn to focus on what's around you as well, when in trouble. The therapist won't do that for you. He'll just tell you to do it, over and over. 

Ya sure you don't have low confidence? This sounds like, every time a problem comes along you feel like you can't cope and need to encourage yourself, worry and plan to get through it. This leaves no time to worry about others. Key to this is obviously building your OWN confidence. If you think you can face the world, you won't be so worried about yourself and can be there for your wife. You could try take a more optimistic view on life. Ex: when you had a son....people have been dads for ages. They handled it just fine. Why worry? Not saying don't learn, don't be interested. But don't worry, it's a reason to celebrate, learn, be happy...your approach to life is a bit wrong in my opinion. 

Same with your wife. She has no choice but to rely on you...but you don't trust yourself to handle the situation. She feels that and it makes her feel even more insecure. How to solve this? Confidence.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

I can see where you went wrong. You weren't being a confident man. She lost respect for you because what kind of man buckles under the pressure of taking care of the responsiblities he signed up for? You were supposed to be her rock and you failed to provide that stablity for her making her feel insecure. 

However, she made mistakes too. When she saw your uncertainty about being the provider, she should have encouraged you and made you feel like you could do it. What she did was reinforce your doubts about being able to do what you needed to do because the way you were acting made her feel unsafe. 

What you are going to have to do is man up. Accept that you are the provider for your family and go full throttle. Do not complain. Do not waiver. Do not ask for a pat on the back. Just do what you know you have to do. Your wife doesn't want to hear how hard it is for you or your how you don't know what to do. She wants a strong, confident man who is in control. 

Fake it til you make it if you have to, but man up.


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