# Husband has a female work friend he 'clicks' with



## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

I am a 45 year old female, my husband is 50 at the end of the year, with two kids, 11 and 8y.
Lately DH has been quite grumpy disinterested, staying late at work and generally treating the house as a hotel, wake up, go to work, come back, eat, TV computer and bed. 

I have had my suspicions and asked him if he was having an affair, he denied it. 
Yesterday, my daughter walked in the room where he was talking to someone on Skype and he immediately switched it off.

When I confronted him, he told me that she works with him, 10 y. younger than me and having coffee together a couple of times a week, they ‘clicked’. She is not happy with her DH, no kids and they enjoy each other’s company. He said that if they were both single, he is sure they would have a relationship. She has not done anything yet to have a sexual relationship and they have not even kissed (his words, who knows if this is true).

We live abroad, he sometimes finds it hard to make friends due to long working hours and stress and she is half-American, they found common ground and enjoy each other’s company. 
He knows that he has an awful lot to loose and he will have to start from zero if an acrimonious divorce takes place. 
We talked all night ( mainly me asking questions) and I gave him an ultimatum, no more coffee and meetings with her or I walk out. This is going to be a full blown relationship if it does not get nipped in the bud. If he does this, I promised I would try and listen more, spend time together without the kids.

I do not know if he has the guts to talk to her as he is a weak and vulnerable person which is a product of difficult upbringing.
Finally, I have contacted a councillor today and hope to try this as well.
Any comments would be appreciated, good or bad. I am in such a bad place at the moment, on the threshold of losing a husband I love,a good life and my kids suffering in the future.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

he needs to do more than no coffee and meetings.

sounds like at minimum an ea.
probably on the way to more.
they are sharing details with each other they dont need to be.

he needs to have no kind of personal contact with her at all.

their clicking is going to end up with them clicking boots.
he needs to find a way to end this asap.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Red flags are all over the place. Remember since you issued the ultimatium, you must follow through if you find out he has not ended things. Never throw out a ultimatium and not carry it through. 

My guess is, yes its possible he will stop, but then again its possible he may just hide it better, after all he did plainly tell you if they were both single he would have a relationship with her, well he already is to a degree. 

You need to be able to have all access to everything if he is willing to stop this. You need to check emails, the cell, and if you have to, install a keylogger. Also, without telling him, stop by his work sometimes, especially if he says he is working late etc.


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

An update

He came home at lunch today, to find me with a swollen face from crying. When I asked him if he had talked to her, he said that he phoned her and told her that they can not 'see eachother' anymore. She asked 'family problems' and he said yes. 
I do not trust him, he could still see her and hide it better. I need change of scenery.
I have been looking for flights and I want to dissapear to London tomorrow ev. and see my friend and family. Will have to return on Monday.
I was thinking of keylogger, but can not install it without him knowing as he has the aministrator password.
I was even thinking to go to his work place and face the marriage wrecker, but I do not know her name and he will not tell me.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

I think you are proceeding in the right direction.

I also agree with 2nd_time - dont pull any punches and this requires more than 'no more coffee'.

I think your confronting him and expressing the potential 'cost' of this.. (him getting tossed out) may throw a little reality slap in his direction. It certainly should. It seems obvious - but maybe it needs to be said - marriage is grounded in, is based on, is nothing without... trust.. and he broke that trust. Certainly by sneaking on Skype - certainly by trading confidences with another woman, and perhaps more. (Dont let your imagination run wild however..)

These things do happen. Hopefully this got nowhere and might have been a surprise to him as well after being a needy, selfish, doofus and playing along and letting his guard down with another woman. However, do NOT start taking the blame for this (I promised to listen more...). Yeah - you both probably let your relationship get sidetracked a bit - its easy to let it happen - but make no mistake - this was completely his failing and he should have known better. Its a slippery slope once you start trading personal information and feelings with someone you think you 'click' with. Dont let his 'vulnerability and weakness' provide excuses here - he is an adult for crissakes..he is 50.

I guess the counceling isn't a bad idea, either. Gads... Im putting myself in your shoes and I think you are doing the right thing by getting ALL OVER this quickly firmly.. and talking about it will bring it all into the light for what it is. A freaking big no-no.

Should you have him delete his Skype account? I would. I would also make him give up his password(s) to any personal email accounts - and the admin password for computers. Its not punishment... its a matter of re-establishing trust and transparency. He needs to understand that is the price for the OPPORTUNITY of correcting and healing that breach that has already taken place. It is not a punative or prophylactic guard against future transgressions, the transgression has already occurred.

He will not tell you her name? Screw that. Full disclosure.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

If he is no longer doing anything and not seeing her etc, you should have all passwords to everything. He should have no reason not to give them to you. If he refuses, you have your answer.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

The toughest part of this is that they work together. It's going to be difficult to know if they will see each other during the day for "coffee". I say install the key logger or some sort of other tracker. If you do find that it goes underground, he needs to suffer the consequences for his actions, so you must carry through with what you have told him.

My stbxh had a friend through his work network, I allowed them to develop a strong friendship because of my own guilt of my previous affair. This allowed him to give up on our marriage, and easily move on with her.

I don't agree with opposite sex friends....just my opinion though.

good luck


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

Please keep the great advice coming, it is reassuring to know that it was not ME who has done anything for him to behave like this. We have achieved so much together over the years, have two adorable, high achieving kids, a lovely home.
I gave up work to be a stay at home mum and do everything in the house and garden. So,I will not allow for this cow to come and swipe everything away from our family.
I might even find out how to get in touch with her husband.

As for the ultimatum, I am not leaving, HE is, I will chuck him out with all his clothes.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Being angry is normal, and fine.

I imagine its tricky since this is a workplace issue - so consider carefully before upsetting the apple cart there. I dont suppose putting his job in jeopardy for bad behavior would be the best... but frankly Im not qualified to offer advice. Im sure you have checked out the infidelity forum already - you can probably just point to this thread from there and get better strategies.

Contacting her husband? Not so bad an idea maybe. All of it seems like playing with explosives to me - so make sure you think things through.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

He should give you the passwords to all his devices including PC, phone facebook etc.

My wife has all of mine and she also has adminitrator rights on our PCs (only the kids don't)

When your in a marriage, there should be no secrets from each other. Hell, you've seen each other naked, what else is left to hide?


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Tiberius said:


> When I asked him if he had talked to her, he said that he phoned her and told her that they can not 'see eachother' anymore. She asked 'family problems' and he said yes.


i think this is a sign that he doesnt want to stop and that he may not.

his answer to her should have been along the lines of 'no, no family problems and im doing what i need to to make sure there wont be any'.

watch out for too much of certain info he willingly comes to you with about her, it may be a sign he is just trying to ease your fears to keep you off track about what is really going on.

also since he said if they were not married they would get together so watch for signs of him trying to sabotage things so you end up making him single and he can then blame it on you.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> i think this is a sign that he doesnt want to stop and that he may not.
> 
> his answer to her should have been along the lines of 'no, no family problems and im doing what i need to to make sure there wont be any'.
> 
> ...


Again - Im totally unqualified - but I hesitate to parse phrasing like the difference between 'family problems - yes' and 'family problems - no.'

The voice of experience may think differently.

Do what you are doing. Expose everything and make sure he is disclosing everything and laying his life bare for you - inviting your scrutiny and observation without hesitation. That, I think, will tell you what you need. And remember - there is no room anymore for any embarassment or secrecy or hushed tones in the resolution to this. He needs to own this and face up to both it.. and energetically slamming the door on the transgression.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Hearing this boils my blood...! Why can't the man see that no good can come of this? No opsex friendships for those who don't know where to draw the line; there really is no other way.


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

I admit I also thought this phrase *'family problems?' yes* was not an adequate way of him ending the friendship.

I sent him a message today saying that since he will not disclose her name and I do not have all his passwords, he is not committed; then he can come after work and collect his stuff, and OUT.
He came tonight asking to talk to me and said the following:

-you can have all passwords
-I will make time for you and the kids
-I want to spend more time with you as a couple without the kids
-I realize all this is going to cause a scandal at work
-I phoned her again today and told her that my family is everything to me and if we continue seeing each other for coffee and chats, this will be geopardizing it; to which she said she never intended anything more than a friendship?!
-I WILL NOT disclose her name as 'I will not let you destroy a person who has done nothing wrong'.

It will take a long time to regain trust, but he seems to have got the message about the consequences of his future actions.
I will get the spyware though as soon as I get the Administrator password.

A big thank you to all of you who have responded, you have been of enormous help in this horrible situation.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Tiberius said:


> He knows that he has an awful lot to loose and he will have to start from zero if an acrimonious divorce takes place, plus he will lose the kids.


I understand you're angry, and scared, and hurt, but this part here doesn't seem to be right at all.

First of all he has as much right to the children as you do, if things don't work out and you divorce he isn't going to "lose the kids", he is as much a parent to them as you even if he is at work most of the time, this sort of talk is akin to Parental Alienation of which I was a target during my divorce so I am quite sensitive to this sort of thing. 

Using the kids as some sort of threat or bargaining chip is definitely not the way to handle this, as is your assumption and probably reminding him that he will "have to start from zero". In most jurisdictions the marital assets are divided equitably, it's not true that the wife gets everything although sometimes the courts are not as fair as one or both of the parties would like to think and quite often the man is the one forced to find a different residence and is given visitation rather than primary custody although that trend has changed in recent times.

I do agree that in a highly contested divorce with custody issues the marital assets can be depleted to the point of losing the home and sinking deeply in debt, in all cases the parties are best served by avoiding costly litigation and working things out through mediation.

Of course you're not there yet but your immediate stance of ultimatums and threats do say a lot about how you will posture yourself going forward.

I suggest you deal with the underlying issues that led to this affair (or whatever it might be) rather than just trying to suppress the symptoms with implied force.

You catch more flies with sugar than you do with vinegar.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

I would have a big issue with him not disclosing the name if he were my wife.  If he's totally all in with the marriage he really shouldn't be protecting her at the expense of your happiness/comfort.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

hisfac said:


> I suggest you deal with the underlying issues that led to this affair (or whatever it might be) rather than just trying to suppress the symptoms with implied force.


 I disagree with you completely hisfac. She played hard ball if fighting for her marriage, and if that means bluffing him so be it. More power to her. She may have nipped it in the bud early enough. I only wish others that come to this forum would be so strong. Yes she should work on her marriage, but that cannot begin until the OW is out of his life. If she tried to talk to him about their marriage issues before he is out of the fog, all he would do is reinvent history and blame shift.


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## LemonLime (Mar 20, 2012)

CallaLily said:


> If he is no longer doing anything and not seeing her etc, you should have all passwords to everything. He should have no reason not to give them to you. If he refuses, you have your answer.


pretty much this, there is no reason he has anything to hide if he is innocent.


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## Mom_In-Love (Mar 18, 2012)

Tiberius said:


> -I WILL NOT disclose her name as 'I will not let you destroy a person who has done nothing wrong'


IMO this is not right. He should be willing to tell you anything and everything when it comes to her.

Just the simple fact the he is not willing to tell you her name shows that he is not trust worthy in one way or another. Beware. 

He should not be concerned about her reputation. If he really regrets what he has done, he will be concerned about his family alone. And, in my honest opinion, a woman who agrees to go out with a married man as often as they did - does not need to have her reputation "protected". Plus, he should be more concerned about protecting your feelings after him having an emotional affair. He obviously has feelings for her. If a divorce did not get him to tell you her name, that is a huge red flag.

All in all, good luck and hope you can figure things out and heal from this.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Tiberius said:


> I WILL NOT disclose her name as 'I will not let you destroy a person who has done nothing wrong'.


 I would answer this statement by telling him that if they did nothing wrong, how could the truth destroy her? Also ask him if the other woman's (OW) husband knows about the relationship. If not why not? If everything was so innocent that you were expected to accept it, why would the OW not tell her husband? Tell him he that if he acts like he has something to hide, he cannot blame you for reacting to this.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Your husband is dead wrong. Insist on that broad's name. Then tell her husband. You owe her nothing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

with no proof that anything more did actually happen, and him willing to do everything else you demanded, i think he should let you know who she is with the promise you will do nothing with it unless you find out they are continuing the ea.

that way if there really was nothing to it more than he said, nothing to lose for him or her.
but if you find out there is more or it continues, you know where to go.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Its very disrespectful that he won't tell you her name.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

It is disrespectful...I don't think I could stand for that, I'd probably end up finding out the name myself. Then, WATCH OUT.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Tiberius said:


> An update
> 
> He came home at lunch today, to find me with a swollen face from crying. When I asked him if he had talked to her, he said that he phoned her and told her that they can not 'see eachother' anymore. She asked 'family problems' and he said yes.
> I do not trust him, he could still see her and hide it better. I need change of scenery.
> ...


He must change jobs.

Having a workplace affair like this does not mean there are things to fix in the marriage other than having poor boundaries. The affair must die and then they can work on the marriage.

They need to do His Needs Her Needs and setup appropriate boundaries to prevent this again.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Good luck!! Hope it all works out for you!


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> He must change jobs.
> 
> Having a workplace affair like this does not mean there are things to fix in the marriage other than having poor boundaries. The affair must die and then they can work on the marriage.
> 
> They need to do His Needs Her Needs and setup appropriate boundaries to prevent this again.


This! My EA was with someone across the Atlantic via computer chats and email. If I had a workplace affair or if my AP were living close by, there would have been more trouble than I had. 

I agree, either he or she has to leave the job for there to be any movement towards healing at home.


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> with no proof that anything more did actually happen, and him willing to do everything else you demanded, i think he should let you know who she is with the promise you will do nothing with it unless you find out they are continuing the ea.
> 
> that way if there really was nothing to it more than he said, nothing to lose for him or her.
> but if you find out there is more or it continues, you know where to go.


This is exactly what I suggested to him, but he refused. I said that I will not do anything unless I have proof that the 'friendship' is not over. I know he is afraid that I might not stick to my side of the bargain and he knows me well, he knows that I am capable of confronting her, finding out where she lives, speaking to her husband, etc.
I think he had a wake-up call yesterday and maybe it is the end of it, however I am going to keep an eye on him.
As for changing jobs, this is not going to happen for two reasons:
-if he wants to 'click' , he will move on to another person, irrespective of where he works
-it is almost impossible to find the same job and pay here or in our home country.
I am not prepared to live a life of poverty just because of this. What if it is true that she only wanted friendship and nothing more and he misread this as it might lead to something more?
We are playing with my kids' lives and future here.
He did say he will talk to me more and that it was wrong for them confiding with eachother, when they should have been communicating better with their spouses.
Time will tell.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Tiberius said:


> As for changing jobs, this is not going to happen for two reasons:
> -if he wants to 'click' , he will move on to another person, irrespective of where he works
> -it is almost impossible to find the same job and pay here or in our home country.


You're obviously in denial and you are defending his decision to refuse to change jobs for reasons that just don't cut it.

First of all if he's truly remorseful, he would leave the decision to quit up to YOU, while giving you all the reasons why he thinks it's a bad idea but again ultimately leaving the decision to you, not to say "no way am I quitting, too bad" or words to that effect.

Your logic is flawed that he will just "click" with a woman in some other job. He "clicked" with the one at this job and that's all that matters, not what could happen in a new job. For you to even suggest that it would be the same with some unknown girl in a new unknown job is short sighted to say the least.

Yeah he may take a paycut but your relationship is more important than your standard of living, is it not? If you knew the affair would continue if he stayed there, versus no affair but less money somewhere else, what would you do?

Odds are it WILL continue if he stays at his present job and like I said his attitude in regard to his outright refusal to quit is probably the biggest issue here, or at least a symptom of what is a much greater problem.

I would accept nothing less then him actively looking for a new job and showing you exactly what attempts he has made to set up interviews and that sort of thing.

Oh, and he tells you who she is. ESPECIALLY because they're still working together. Him protecting her is just so wrong on so many levels.. almost as wrong as you putting up with all of it and of course enabling him.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Tiberius said:


> ....plus he will lose the kids.
> 
> 
> I do not know if he has the guts to talk to her as he is a weak and vulnerable person ....


I`m not validating his EA but perhaps he`s seeking respect from this woman he may not be getting from his wife.


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## Tap1214 (Aug 14, 2011)

Hmmm, get the admin password from him and if he refuses, nor give you OW's name ...there's your answer!! He's CHEATING on YOU.


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## Journeygirl (Mar 14, 2012)

hisfac said:


> I understand you're angry, and scared, and hurt, but this part here doesn't seem to be right at all.
> 
> First of all he has as much right to the children as you do, if things don't work out and you divorce he isn't going to "lose the kids", he is as much a parent to them as you even if he is at work most of the time, this sort of talk is akin to Parental Alienation of which I was a target during my divorce so I am quite sensitive to this sort of thing.
> 
> ...


I agree with you. If there was not a problem to begin with, the husband would not be looking for someone else to turn to.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Journeygirl said:


> I agree with you. If there was not a problem to begin with, the husband would not be looking for someone else to turn to.


 I call bull to this. One party cheating does not mean that the one that was cheated on drove them to it. Often times the husband cheats just because it is fun and he gets hooked on the newness and the drug like high of cheating. Using your warped logic, if your husband is an alcoholic the spouse must have done something to make them an alcoholic. Pure blame shifting, plain and simple. Again, I call bull.


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

Hisfac, the words I wrote about not changing jobs are mine not his. He did offer to ask for a tranfer, but I do not want to move.

I have done nothing wrong in anyway to make him do this. The girl was there, available for him. And I honestly believe that many men get tempted to stray, especially if a young girl( or 15 years younger in this case) flirts with him.

I blame him as much as her, it takes two to tango.

Tacoma, he has had TOO MUCH respect from me, that is why he is pushing it and trying to get a little thrill somewhere else. He had it all and maybe it was boring for him.
My ultimatum was hard, me saying he will lose the kids was a gun to his head, not something that would really happen. I would never allow my kids to suffer by not seing their father if they wish to in whatever circumstance. And regarding not having the guts to talk to her-*these were his words*.

I am so hurt and full of anger that I do not think I can go on in this marriage any more. 
I told him that the more I think about this, the more it is eating me up inside and the more I want a separation. He kept on saying he has done nothing wrong, he will fight will for me and his family. He has been all over me since yesterday and I can see he is trying hard.
However, I told him to put the relationship back on track you need foundation, which is called TRUST and this is not here at the moment. I said everytime you go to work I will be worring sick that you might be seing her, and the fact that you will not give me her name, tells me that you are protecting her. If both of you are innocent, then you disclose her name.
So, separation it will be.


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## Journeygirl (Mar 14, 2012)

TRy said:


> I call bull to this. One party cheating does not mean that the one that was cheated on drove them to it. Often times the husband cheats just because it is fun and he gets hooked on the newness and the drug like high of cheating. Using your warped logic, if your husband is an alcoholic the spouse must have done something to make them an alcoholic. Pure blame shifting, plain and simple. Again, I call bull.



Let's compare apples to apples, not apples to oranges. Drinking alcohol is not the same turning to someone else because they listen to you, and show you the attention you are not receiving elsewhere. If everything is going well at home, whether it be emotional support, sex, etc. why would someone look somewhere else? There is an old adage "If I don't take care of my own backyard someone else will" is true.

On the other hand are there some a**wholes? Absolutely. But the way I see it, if I am not doing everything I can to make my husband happy someone else will.

It's a good idea to look at more than just the surface when there is a problem. She should take a deeper look at the relationship and see if there are any problem areas.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Journeygirl said:


> Let's compare apples to apples, not apples to oranges. Drinking alcohol is not the same turning to someone else because they listen to you, and show you the attention you are not receiving elsewhere. If everything is going well at home, whether it be emotional support, sex, etc. why would someone look somewhere else? There is an old adage "If I don't take care of my own backyard someone else will" is true.
> 
> On the other hand are there some a**wholes? Absolutely. But the way I see it, if I am not doing everything I can to make my husband happy someone else will.
> 
> It's a good idea to look at more than just the surface when there is a problem. She should take a deeper look at the relationship and see if there are any problem areas.


The danger of your way of thinking is that it makes it too easy for the cheater to blame shift their cheating to their spouse. Almost every cheater tries to do this so that they can rationalize their cheating. They will often reinvent history to make their spouse into the bad guy. No one is perfect, yet cheaters often hold that standard out as the standard that their spouse must live by while applying a ridiculously weak standard to themselves.

The truth is that people cheat for a variety of reasons, usually those reasons are not the fault of the spouse. For instance, an attractive coworker 15 years younger than the wife gets drunk with the husband and ends up in bed with him. Is it the fault of the wife that she is not young enough?


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