# Fight with mother in law - how to resolve?



## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

My husband is 31 years old and suffered a stroke a few days ago. After a couple of days in the hospital, he's home now. It's going to be a long road, but we are trying to adjust to our new lives as he can't do anything.

Anyway, on top of this enourmous stress I am having problems with my in laws. My MIL and I got into at the hosptial because she didn't want him to have high sodium food. I was fine with that, but I felt like she was being too pushy in her approach to get my husband on board with his new diet and I told her that. She didn't like that and felt like I was disrespecting her. I felt disrespected by her that she would not allow my husband and I to figure out his care for ourselves. She was treating us like children instead of grown adults. She had the nerve to ask me, "Do you want him to die?" It was an obsurd question.

So yesterday, we got into a huge blowout over the phone. She feels disrespected as his mother. She said I was dismissing her concerns. I told her that I felt like she was disrespecting me as his wife and not allowing me to figure out how I'm going to care for my husband on my own without her unsolicited advice. 

It's not that I mind her help, I just do not like her approach. When I tried to explain this to her, she felt disrespected. 

I don't know what to do. I do regret arguing with her, but I need to set my boundries. I do not know how to resolve the situation. Any advice?


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

I totally understand where you are coming from. You are his wife & are the one who makes his medical decisions. This is the law & you are totally in bounds.

But... he is her baby. It doesn't matter if he is 31 or 61, he will always be her baby & you need to understand that when a mother sees her baby hurt or in danger she turns into a mama bear. You cannot win this battle with her so you need to find a way to make her an ally.

You are right, her approach was way off, but so was yours. You are the one who has control in this situation & she is terrified about the danget her baby bear is in. Please try to work this out with her. Give a little & then give a little more, make her feel like she is in control of something here. Even if it is something as absurd as the sodium content of his meals. 

She is not feeling disrespected so much as scared, I suspect.

You & your husband are in my prayers.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Thank you for your advice. 

I haven't spoken to her since then. We are avoiding each other now. 

Everyone is scared. I'm terrified. Who would have thought at 30 I'd be walking my husband to the bathroom? It's not where I thought I'd be at this time in our lives. It makes me feel insecure about our future. All our plans are up in the air. We have to take it one day at a time.

I have four children of my own. I totally understand how upsetting it is to see your child hurt. That does not escape me. I just didn't know what she wanted me to do. She called and asked me questions about his discharge from the hospital. I answered them. She kept asking me more and more questions and I just answered them to the best of my knowledge. She wouldn't let up so I asked her, "What exactly do you want to know?" That's when she said that me and my husband weren't giving her any respect as a mother and were dismissing her concerns. I didn't understand what she meant by this as I was answering all of her questions. That is the opposite of being dismissive. She kept saying that it was her son as if I didn't know.

I just have a million things to worry about now that I didn't a week ago and her asserting herself as the "mama bear" isn't alleviating my stress. It's actually adding to it. She'll always be his mother, but I'm his caregiver now. I am the one who has to figure out where we go from here. I am the one who has to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. Me. It's all on me. She is very worried, but I have all the same worries plus all the responsiblities. I just wish she would understand that and cut me some slack.


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## JLynnMann (Apr 6, 2011)

I feel for both of you in this situation. As the above poster said- She is his mother and right now (just as you do) I imagine she feels helpless and powerless to protect him and to care for him. 

You are the one caring for him daily now and I do get that it is a HUGE and even monumental time for you... Maybe imagine you are in her place for a moment. Your son has had a stroke in what should be the prime of his life. Not only are you concerned about his wellbeing but I imagine she is worried about your family- the kids, and even you. Yet she can't be there to care for him herself all the time and doesn't even feel welcome to (just by the tone of your posts). Please don't take that as critical of you as it is not meant to be. I am saying she feels completely powerless and so is trying to gain some power over the situation. 
Here is what I would do and imagine it would make your bond with your MIL powerful in the end. I would arrange time to sit down and talk with her. I would apologize for having hurt her feelings and then explain how you feel without pointing the finger of blame at her. Tell her your worries and your wants and needs. 
My guess is that she too will apologize if she is an understanding person naturally and then she will try harder to see your side and understand your frustration and hurt.
Tempers can boil over in situations like this but you and she are family and have one major thing in common- love for your husband and her for her son. When 2 people work together to help another then great things can be done. You may just need her one day and she may just need you.
Take care of yourself and the kids too. It's a rough road and I don't envy the tasks ahead of you but you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. (((((Hugs to you)))))


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

themrs said:


> Thank you for your advice.
> 
> I haven't spoken to her since then. We are avoiding each other now.
> 
> ...


I can't imagine how hard all of this is for you! Is it possible that she could help take some of the weight off your shoulders by assisting with his care? I know the thought of your MIL living in your home probably is giving you cold sweats, but if she is able to come help you, (for a predetermined _temporary_ time frame of course) maybe it will help all of you get through this a little easier.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

JLynnMann said:


> I feel for both of you in this situation. As the above poster said- She is his mother and right now (just as you do) I imagine she feels helpless and powerless to protect him and to care for him.
> 
> You are the one caring for him daily now and I do get that it is a HUGE and even monumental time for you... Maybe imagine you are in her place for a moment. Your son has had a stroke in what should be the prime of his life. Not only are you concerned about his wellbeing but I imagine she is worried about your family- the kids, and even you. Yet she can't be there to care for him herself all the time and doesn't even feel welcome to (just by the tone of your posts). Please don't take that as critical of you as it is not meant to be. I am saying she feels completely powerless and so is trying to gain some power over the situation.
> Here is what I would do and imagine it would make your bond with your MIL powerful in the end. I would arrange time to sit down and talk with her. I would apologize for having hurt her feelings and then explain how you feel without pointing the finger of blame at her. Tell her your worries and your wants and needs.
> ...


I'm so sorry! Are you the dishes lady with 7 month old twins? 
Apologize for your part. Admit your fears and being overwhelmed. Ask for her to take shifts in caring for kids and hubby. She's lefting blowing in the wind and you have tasks to do to help you feel in control. Were you wrong? No. Should you apologize, well it's not like it's 100 percent your fault, but hopefully she will calm down and apologize too. I understand needing to bond and learn how to deal within your family, but include her. She could be huge help. Allow her to come to appointments if you're up to it. The more tasks she has, the more included she feels and the more she'll let up. Your family is in my prayers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Yes, I am the dirty dishes wife with (now) 8 month old twins. There won't be any arguements over the dishes for a while since he can't wash them. Funny how life changes in an instant.

I do feel badly that we argued. I am going to make peace with her. I know it must be hard to be in her place, but it's equally if not more hard to be where I am. I don't mind her help, it was just her approach I found lacking. I had to set some boundries. This is the most difficult time in my life so far. I need her help, not her lectures.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

themrs said:


> Yes, I am the dirty dishes wife with (now) 8 month old twins. There won't be any arguements over the dishes for a while since he can't wash them. Funny how life changes in an instant.
> 
> I do feel badly that we argued. I am going to make peace with her. I know it must be hard to be in her place, but it's equally if not more hard to be where I am. I don't mind her help, it was just her approach I found lacking. I had to set some boundries. This is the most difficult time in my life so far. I need her help, not her lectures.


That's what we're here for - vent away! If anyone needs a break you do. I'm so sorry! Come hear for an ear anytime!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

themrs said:


> Yes, I am the dirty dishes wife with (now) 8 month old twins. There won't be any arguements over the dishes for a while since he can't wash them. Funny how life changes in an instant.
> 
> I do feel badly that we argued. I am going to make peace with her. I know it must be hard to be in her place, but it's equally if not more hard to be where I am. I don't mind her help, it was just her approach I found lacking. I had to set some boundries. This is the most difficult time in my life so far. I need her help, not her lectures.


What stage were you at when H had his stroke? Had you quit and he started working?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JLynnMann (Apr 6, 2011)

God bless you hon. I can only imagine what this must feel like for you. Your family has been dealt a bad hand and putting myself in your place for even a moment has made me feel overwhelmed so I can only begin to understand what you feel right now.
Venting is good therapy often so feel free to vent away. We all need this release at one time or another. Nothing to apologize for nor feel bad about.
Take time for yourself in all of this too. This may be where your MIL comes in handy. This is VERY IMPORTANT! IF you don't get the chance to decompress it will only make things seem that much more unbearable. 
Women often have a strength about them that they only realize when life altering situations occur. We are able to do much more than we give ourselves credit for. And I know you too will be able to face this with strength and courage even when it seems impossible now.
((((Hugs to you))))


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