# Feeling Blue



## AVR1962

Struggling just a bit here. Thought perhaps if I expressed myself and what I am thinking that maybe I could get some clarity. Been divorced 3 1/2 years after being married for 24 years. My 2 youngest kids were fine with me leaving the marriage and very supportive. The youngest especially saw what was going on and knew I was not happy with her dad. When I started dating though the kids no longer were supportive. It is obviously they do not want to hear anything. They only met one man who I dated for 1 1/2 years and they didn't like him, it was obvious. I am not trying to please my kids but this whole thing has been tough.

I work some crazy hours so for me to actually have time to see someone does not always mesh with the schedule of the man I am dating. I am still dating the man I have referred to as my "tiger," he and I have been an item for 6 months now. Between his schedule and mine I only see him about once a week. While I do not want to jump into anything and am very cautious I am finding myself feeling very alone. I do too much by myself. I do have girlfriends and do spend some time with them, again schedules don't always work out. And I will admit there are times I would rather be by myself. 

My two younger daughters came for my birthday two days for Christmas and took me out to dinner with my grandkids which was really sweet. I made sugar cookies with my grandsons Christmas Eve, did the whole Christmas day gift opening and dinner so it was several days with family around which was very special. But then they left and the loneliness set in. 

I just feel very down. I get to the gym, do my walks, go out to dinner or a movie but normally it is just me which gets real old. I have thought about getting a dog for companionship but I am not sure my schedule is going to allow me quality time to care for a dog properly. 

In the back of my head as I look to my past relationships I just feel like I am not sure there was ever good connections with my partners and I believe this is what is gnawing at me more than anything. My first husband and I were very close. We worked together, worked out together, inseparable. Shortly after we married though he wanted to swing and I had no interest in being with someone else and I did not him with someone else. When I would not partner swap with him he started cheating and eventually ended up falling in love with an older lady and we divorced. Because he could not admit to what he did he had to make it look like he had reason to leave and turned on me, it was real ugly and very hurtful.

Fiver years later I remarried and really as I reflect it just seems he and I both were looking for a partner to each help us raise the kids we each had full custody of. We were friends but he was always distant, in his own little world. How we made it to 24 years is beyond me. Since the divorce I have dated quite a bit and had alot of fun meeting the men but I find men to be very focused on themselves, their career, their family, their whatever. They want sex, they want to make me feel special but it seems either they are obsessed and suffocate me, OR if it is someone I want to get to know more and actually be with they are the ones dragging behind. And I am just wondering if I am ever going to have that fulfilling connection.

From Oct-Dec, three men I had dated previous to meeting my "tiger" contacted me. I figured they were having trouble being by themselves for the holidays. I told them each that I could not be anything more than friends with them and correspondence stopped. I have no desire for any of the men. Why is it though if you ignore a man he pursues you? I get that men love the chase but it seems once the chase is over they are done. That seems to me what happened in both my marriages. Once they had me they wanted something besides me. So what am I to do? I do like the man I am dating now but I am afraid if he feels he has me he will get bored and feel the need to distance himself and pursue someone is harder to please. I don't feel I know how to be successful in a relationship.


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## bkyln309

All I want to say it: Forget what your kids think. They dont get to live your life. You are not living it for them. They have their own lives. How dare they try to dictate to you. Date away. If they dont like it, thats their issue. They are wrong, wrong, wrong.

You deserve happiness and companionship. PERIOD.


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## Spicy

The men you are describing aren’t who you are looking for. They are playing the game. Keep dating until you find the right one.


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## jlg07

So, you said:
"Why is it though if you ignore a man he pursues you? I get that men love the chase but it seems once the chase is over they are done. That seems to me what happened in both my marriages. Once they had me they wanted something besides me. So what am I to do? I do like the man I am dating now but I am afraid if he feels he has me he will get bored and feel the need to distance himself and pursue someone is harder to please. I don't feel I know how to be successful in a relationship."

As a man (now, I have NOT been out there pursuing -- other than pursuing my wife for the past 35 years!), not ALL men just want the thrill of the chase.
Make sure that whoever you pick is REALLY good at communicating. To me, that is the key. If they can't be open and talk about hard subjects with you, then there are GOING to be issues with them in the future. Not every guy is just out there to hit it and quit it (I'm sure there are a TON that are though). If everything they discuss cycles back to sex, then I think you know your answer that this is NOT the right guy for you.

For the man you are dating now, do you have real, good, in-depth discussions about things? Do you know about the things that HE is interested in (hobbies, etc.)? If not, learn a bit so you can at least hold a conversation about it. Does HE show interest in the things that YOU are into and can he hold a conversation? It's also the HARD things to talk about that need to be done and make sure he doesn't shy away. YES they are hard, but he needs to be willing to discuss.


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## 3Xnocharm

Hugs to you, AVR! 

Regarding a pet, what about a cat, or a pair of cats? They are much less high maintenance than dogs are! Its too bad you get such limited time with your current guy. Are things progressing? Do you feel this could be something serious and long term for you? If so then it seems that you two will need to find a way to get more time together, being able to spend time is so crucial. I am sorry you seem to be struggling a little.


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## Marduk

AVR1962 said:


> Struggling just a bit here. Thought perhaps if I expressed myself and what I am thinking that maybe I could get some clarity. Been divorced 3 1/2 years after being married for 24 years. My 2 youngest kids were fine with me leaving the marriage and very supportive. The youngest especially saw what was going on and knew I was not happy with her dad. When I started dating though the kids no longer were supportive. It is obviously they do not want to hear anything. They only met one man who I dated for 1 1/2 years and they didn't like him, it was obvious. I am not trying to please my kids but this whole thing has been tough.


I'm not sure why your kids need to hear about your dating, or why you need to care about their opinions if they do.



> I work some crazy hours so for me to actually have time to see someone does not always mesh with the schedule of the man I am dating.


I learned the hard way when single that to seriously date someone takes prioritizing the effort of dating. I had to peel back on both my work with extensive travel and my training schedule.

It took almost losing the woman that later became my wife to get this.



> I am still dating the man I have referred to as my "tiger," he and I have been an item for 6 months now. Between his schedule and mine I only see him about once a week. While I do not want to jump into anything and am very cautious I am finding myself feeling very alone. I do too much by myself. I do have girlfriends and do spend some time with them, again schedules don't always work out. And I will admit there are times I would rather be by myself.


Once a week isn't a relationship for me. It's a bookmark, a placeholder, something that keeps you "in a relationship" but with almost zero work or prioritization on both sides. 

Honestly, it sounds like he's not a priority for you, and you to him. If you want to prioritize friend relationships, then do so - which again takes intentionality and time. It sounds like your prioritization of work is a key problem here. It also sounds a bit like you're hiding.



> My two younger daughters came for my birthday two days for Christmas and took me out to dinner with my grandkids which was really sweet. I made sugar cookies with my grandsons Christmas Eve, did the whole Christmas day gift opening and dinner so it was several days with family around which was very special. But then they left and the loneliness set in.


Again, sounds like you need to carve out time for family.



> I just feel very down. I get to the gym, do my walks, go out to dinner or a movie but normally it is just me which gets real old. I have thought about getting a dog for companionship but I am not sure my schedule is going to allow me quality time to care for a dog properly.


If you don't have time to date or have friends, you don't have time to get a dog. A cat maybe. As Xeno said, a pair could work - they keep each other company. 



> In the back of my head as I look to my past relationships I just feel like I am not sure there was ever good connections with my partners and I believe this is what is gnawing at me more than anything. My first husband and I were very close. We worked together, worked out together, inseparable. Shortly after we married though he wanted to swing and I had no interest in being with someone else and I did not him with someone else. When I would not partner swap with him he started cheating and eventually ended up falling in love with an older lady and we divorced. Because he could not admit to what he did he had to make it look like he had reason to leave and turned on me, it was real ugly and very hurtful.


That sucks. It's also over, though. What did you learn?



> Fiver years later I remarried and really as I reflect it just seems he and I both were looking for a partner to each help us raise the kids we each had full custody of. We were friends but he was always distant, in his own little world. How we made it to 24 years is beyond me. Since the divorce I have dated quite a bit and had alot of fun meeting the men but I find men to be very focused on themselves, their career, their family, their whatever. They want sex, they want to make me feel special but it seems either they are obsessed and suffocate me, OR if it is someone I want to get to know more and actually be with they are the ones dragging behind. And I am just wondering if I am ever going to have that fulfilling connection.


Gently, you seem to hold people at arm's length... and then are unhappy with being alone. So you kind of have to decide, here. Do you want more alone time or want to put the effort into relationships?



> From Oct-Dec, three men I had dated previous to meeting my "tiger" contacted me. I figured they were having trouble being by themselves for the holidays. I told them each that I could not be anything more than friends with them and correspondence stopped. I have no desire for any of the men. Why is it though if you ignore a man he pursues you? I get that men love the chase but it seems once the chase is over they are done. That seems to me what happened in both my marriages. Once they had me they wanted something besides me. So what am I to do? I do like the man I am dating now but I am afraid if he feels he has me he will get bored and feel the need to distance himself and pursue someone is harder to please. I don't feel I know how to be successful in a relationship.


Sometimes people like the game. I've certainly had women pursue me harder the more I push them away. However, it may also be the case that you throw your hook into the water, then decide you don't want anything at all, and then wonder why there's a fish (or three) on your line.

I think you seriously need to step back, think long and hard about what you want, and then decide and commit to it. Happy to help you once you do, but I don't think you're there yet.

My read is that your unhappiness is because you're in a liminal state, undecided, with your foot firmly in two different rooms - one foot is in the social room, the other foot is in the quiet one. And you're wondering why you're not getting what you want or need, without realizing that you can't standing where you are.


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## Tilted 1

I believe it has to do with some laziness on the part of the man. When they stop the pursuing stops, once in the relationship it like they don't get why you can't read their mind.

But when you informed the three, rejection is why no contact. Err, l suspect that you think men like the hardest chase, it would not be true in my mind. But why do I say this, who likes chasing there own tail, it becomes exhausting and bears no fruit. Nothing is wrong with pursuing those who lag behind, because it is what your seek, and who doesn't want to be happy. 

The world keeps us all busy, but maybe just to extend yourself alittle, and not to the point of suffering may just be enough to get your desire and point across.


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## In Absentia

I would forget men, they are mostly boring...


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## 3Xnocharm

In Absentia said:


> I would forget men, they are mostly boring...


LOL! Not necessarily boring, but for sure a general pain in the ass... :grin2:


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## In Absentia

3Xnocharm said:


> LOL! Not necessarily boring, but for sure a general pain in the ass... :grin2:


I am a man and I find men incredibly boring... and mostly crude, womanisers, interested only in sport and cars and bikes. Rude and no manners. I'm not surprised women struggle to find a decent specimen... :laugh:


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## Marduk

3Xnocharm said:


> LOL! Not necessarily boring, but for sure a general pain in the ass... :grin2:


From what I hear, only when you really really like them.


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## 3Xnocharm

Marduk said:


> From what I hear, only when you really really like them.


:laugh::wink2:


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## AVR1962

jlg07 said:


> So, you said:
> "Why is it though if you ignore a man he pursues you? I get that men love the chase but it seems once the chase is over they are done. That seems to me what happened in both my marriages. Once they had me they wanted something besides me. So what am I to do? I do like the man I am dating now but I am afraid if he feels he has me he will get bored and feel the need to distance himself and pursue someone is harder to please. I don't feel I know how to be successful in a relationship."
> 
> As a man (now, I have NOT been out there pursuing -- other than pursuing my wife for the past 35 years!), not ALL men just want the thrill of the chase.
> Make sure that whoever you pick is REALLY good at communicating. To me, that is the key. If they can't be open and talk about hard subjects with you, then there are GOING to be issues with them in the future. Not every guy is just out there to hit it and quit it (I'm sure there are a TON that are though). If everything they discuss cycles back to sex, then I think you know your answer that this is NOT the right guy for you.
> 
> For the man you are dating now, do you have real, good, in-depth discussions about things? Do you know about the things that HE is interested in (hobbies, etc.)? If not, learn a bit so you can at least hold a conversation about it. Does HE show interest in the things that YOU are into and can he hold a conversation? It's also the HARD things to talk about that need to be done and make sure he doesn't shy away. YES they are hard, but he needs to be willing to discuss.


Thank you for your response. I needed to hear this. Yes, actually the man I am dating and I do have interests we share. We are both into lifting weights. I have been doing it for years, he started after his divorce and is making great gains. We have talked about all kinds of things. he asks me all sorts of questions and I have asked his opinion on all various subjects. He communicates very well and I feel I if I do ask him a question he is not just going to tell me something to make me feel good. I can talk on any subject, say perhaps I was speaking about a situation I was having with a client. He will either quote what I said or ask me questions concerning my statement. He has told me he is the problem solver type and has said things like, "good, you are thinking of ways to resolve this. he never tells me what to do but is very supportive. My mom was hospitalized over the holidays and he gave me support and asked about her. Of all the men I have dated I feel this man has been the most honest, most real and most direct. He is not one to give lip service, he is not pushing me. We laugh, we have fun, we do things together, he treats me well. I am an independent sort and do not follow the crowd, an independent thinker....one day he and I got on a subject and I said these almost exact words to him and he told me that he can see that in me but that he tends to be the same. While this relationship is not filled with intense romance I feel we are taking the time to get to know one another. I can only hope he feels I have respected his need for his work time and space as I have been careful with that.


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## AVR1962

Marduk said:


> Gently, you seem to hold people at arm's length... and then are unhappy with being alone. So you kind of have to decide, here. Do you want more alone time or want to put the effort into relationships?


Yes, you are correct. I think I fear getting hurt so I keep people at arm's length and don't allow myself to get close. I realize I have to let down that barrier and take a chance but it is not easy for me. It feels too vulnerable.


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## AVR1962

In Absentia said:


> I would forget men, they are mostly boring...


LOL!!!!!


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## Cooper

In Absentia said:


> 3Xnocharm said:
> 
> 
> 
> LOL! Not necessarily boring, but for sure a general pain in the ass... <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_grin.png" border="0" alt="" title="Big Grin" ></a>
> 
> 
> 
> I am a man and I find men incredibly boring... and mostly crude, womanisers, interested only in sport and cars and bikes. Rude and no manners. I'm not surprised women struggle to find a decent specimen... <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_smile_big.png" border="0" alt="" title="Laugh" ></a>
Click to expand...

I agree. I don't know why women have anything to do with us!


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## Marduk

AVR1962 said:


> Yes, you are correct. I think I fear getting hurt so I keep people at arm's length and don't allow myself to get close. I realize I have to let down that barrier and take a chance but it is not easy for me. It feels too vulnerable.


Don't view it all at once; that problem is too big.

Instead, first decide: is it something you want to change even if that change is hard? Or do you really not want it?


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## Affaircare

@AVR1962, 

A couple of things stood out to me about your original post, so I'm going to tackle them one-by-one. 

You wrote: 


> When I started dating though the kids no longer were supportive. It is obvious they do not want to hear anything. They only met one man who I dated for 1 1/2 years and *they didn't like him, it was obvious.* I am not trying to please my kids but this whole thing has been tough.


Just a few thoughts here. Sometimes our family knows us pretty well, and they can pick up on things about a person we're dating that just really will not sit well with us in the long term. For example, let's say you are a person who loves peace and consistency, and the family notices that the date is a drama llama. It could be that they (the kids) don't like someone for a reason that you need to hear--they see a red flag you don't. 

On the other hand, it is in the realm of possibility that they (the kids) don't like the idea of thinking of their mom as a sexual being. I mean...some folks are pretty open-minded but who thinks of their own mom that way! BLECH. They may also not mind that you left their dad, but seeing you (or thinking of you) with someone other than their dad just hadn't crossed their mind yet. 

But the really important thing that caught my eye here is what I bolded: "... they didn't like him, it was obvious." Does that mean they didn't SAY it? Does that mean you didn't talk to them about it? How do you know that's what they didn't like? I mean, what if you misread their "hints" or "suggestions"? If you and the kids have not had a good sit-down discussion about dating and what they think about ___ or ____ that you are dating, then I strongly recommend that you have a straight up TALK about it, and not just assumptions. They may be sending an entirely different message and your own guilt at dating (as an example) has you interpreting it a whole other way! Just talk about it. 

You wrote:


> I work some crazy hours so for me to actually have time to see someone does not always mesh with the schedule of the man I am dating. I am still dating the man I have referred to as my "tiger," he and I have been an item for 6 months now. Between his schedule and mine I only see him about once a week.


Okay, this struck me because you've been dating a guy pretty regularly for 6 months, and you only see him once-a-week...and the reason is because you work crazy hours? Chick--when I was dating @Emerging Buddhist, we would facetime every morning, every night as we made dinner, at night when we went to bed, and on Fridays I would leave my town at 4pm, drive 6 hours straight, and arrive at his town at 10pm at night just so I could spend the weekend with him...and then I'd drive 6 hours home on Sunday so I could be at work! Part of what I see from this statement is that you aren't really prioritizing this relationship. I mean, yes a person does have to work to eat, I get that. But when something is REALLY important to you, you find a way to get it done! Now it also sounds to me as if he isn't really prioritizing you either...like the two of you are just drifting down a stream. 

So I would challenge you to be honest with yourself and face this. Is "tiger" really important to you? Do you value him DEEPLY? If so, it sounds to me like you are going to have to put a little more effort into this. Likewise, be honest--does he deeply value you? Does he at least match your effort toward the relationship? If you do NOT value him deeply enough to prioritize him, you may want to reconsider this relationship; if he does not value you deeply enough to prioritize you, you may want to reconsider this relationship; if the both of you do value each other, then you may want to consider how to step up that effort and ACT on each others' importance. 

You wrote: 


> I just feel very down. I get to the gym, do my walks, go out to dinner or a movie but normally it is just me which gets real old.


If you'll notice, you talk about the things you do. You go to the gym to do YOUR workout which is a thing that only requires YOU, not others. You do your walks which is a thing that only requires YOU, not others. You go out to dinner or a movie, which is a thing that only requires YOU, not others. Now, I am an introvert and about 90% of the time, I am happy with just myself and not others. I'm good company! But I do love people and I love connecting with people, but you know what that means? * I * have to make the effort to connect with them (when, and how often I like). Instead of going to the gym--I might go to a class the kind of requires others. Instead of going for a walk, I sign up for a 5k that kind of requires others. Instead of going to a dinner or movie, I invite someone to lunch or volunteer somewhere, which kind of requires others. Get the drift? People are not going to just walk up to your door and ring your bell. If you want to connect, YOU have to make the effort to be where people are. 

Now..as an example, for me I do like my own company. I work from home. I'm a homebody and love binge-watching movies. Four days a week, I work in a remote beautiful area away from other human beings, and I enjoy the peace and the wide open space of no one around. I take my walks (about 2 miles a day) and enjoy the space and the briskness and the views! BUT I do love people. I come on here to talk a little. But I also go once-a-week into town to meet with my girlfriends. Once-a-week I go out to lunch with someone. Once-a-week I call my mothers, EB's mother, my sister, his sister...I connect. Once-a-week I go to church. On a regular basis I do some volunteering for my church. On a regular basis I sign up for a 5K to support a charity (and thus my walking is "training" for the 5k). On a regular basis I write letters the old-fashioned way and people go gaga over them. On a regular basis I go to someone's house and visit. So the point is that I don't crave a LOT of connection time, but I make the effort to ask questions, go to them, invite, etc. 

You wrote: 


> In the back of my head as I look to my past relationships I just feel like I am not sure there was ever good connections with my partners and I believe this is what is gnawing at me more than anything.


Okay, reading over your summary of your two marriages, I would say I agree--doesn't sound like there was ever a strong connection with either partner. So you are aware of this. What are you going to do about it? Do you know HOW to connect? Do you need to learn how? Do you want to change this or just improve this skill? What is your plan for addressing this? If your past connections were not strong, and you want/crave deep, intimate connection, how are you going to accomplish that? Do you need to change/grow? Do you need a book to brush up on being transparent? Do you need a church support group on marriage? Or do you need IC? Or something else? If this is something you've identified as something about yourself that you'd like to change, how ya gonna do that?

You wrote: 


> Since the divorce I have dated quite a bit and had alot of fun meeting the men but I find men to be *very focused on themselves, their career, their family, their whatever. They want sex, they want to make me feel special* but it seems either they are obsessed and suffocate me, OR if it is someone I want to get to know more and actually be with they are the ones dragging behind.


See the part above that I bolded? This struck me as funny. You're talking about the men you've met since divorcing, and you say they are focused on themselves, their careers, and their families as if it's a "bad" thing! What are *you* focused on? Yourself, your career (and the crazy hours), and your kids! LOL I found this funny because I kind of wonder what you thought they'd be focused on? I think it's fairly natural for a single person to be focused on themselves because after a relationship breaks up, there is a learning curve. I think it's fairly natural for a single person to be focused on their career because in the relationship there were two paychecks and now there's only one. I think it's fairly natural for a single person to be focused on their family/kids because in the relationship they had a partner to help out with the family tasks, and now they're in it by themselves! 

So here's my thought: if they were focused on you, your career, and your family/kids that might actually be a red flag that they were moving too fast (like you said, suffocating you). The trick in dating is BALANCE. When I was single, I focused on myself. I focused on what I needed to get done, what I needed for me, what I wanted...and upon meeting EB, I added him to the mix. He didn't replace me (that would be the suffocating) but rather I focused on what I needed to get done while considering him. I focused on what I needed while considering him. I focused on what I wanted or preferred, while considering him. Make sense?

You wrote: 


> So what am I to do? I do like the man I am dating now but I am afraid if he feels he has me he will get bored and feel the need to distance himself and pursue someone is harder to please. I don't feel I know how to be successful in a relationship.


If this is truly how you feel, two things: why don't you talk to "tiger" about it and say these exact things, and why don't you look into learning how to be successful at relationships? Why don't you study connecting, and relating? Try something new. Take a risk. Feel uncomfortable and completely blow it and try again. Learn how to be vulnerable. Figure out how to let him see your warts and all. 

A lot of this intimate connection comes directly from open communication.


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## attheend02

AVR1962 said:


> Thank you for your response. I needed to hear this. Yes, actually the man I am dating and I do have interests we share. We are both into lifting weights. I have been doing it for years, he started after his divorce and is making great gains.


Is this actually an interest that forms a lasting relationship? (no condescending tone meant). It seems to me that this interest is pretty common. you could find this in literally millions of guys.

Do you have any other shared experiences? 
I think that is what I'm looking for in someone else. Things that I can glance at the other person and know we understand each other. 

Its why I broke up with my last relationship partner. Both liking to hike or walk was not enough.


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## Elizabeth001

I vote dog! Research breeds that suit your lifestyle. Many breeds have specific rescue sites...you wouldn’t have to train a puppy! Find a walker you trust to fill in when you can’t. They are everywhere in my town. 

My dogs have healed my heart. They were with me all the way and give my life so much love  











Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## AVR1962

Elizabeth001 said:


> I vote dog! Research breeds that suit your lifestyle. Many breeds have specific rescue sites...you wouldn’t have to train a puppy! Find a walker you trust to fill in when you can’t. They are everywhere in my town.
> 
> My dogs have healed my heart. They were with me all the way and give my life so much love
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Sweet babies! I miss mine so much!! I am partial to basset hounds. Had a female and male and they were quite a couple. And yes, pets sure can heal out hearts.


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## AVR1962

attheend02 said:


> Is this actually an interest that forms a lasting relationship? (no condescending tone meant). It seems to me that this interest is pretty common. you could find this in literally millions of guys.
> 
> Do you have any other shared experiences?
> I think that is what I'm looking for in someone else. Things that I can glance at the other person and know we understand each other.
> 
> Its why I broke up with my last relationship partner. Both liking to hike or walk was not enough.


Yes, actually we do have shared experiences and those shared experiences is probably what has brought us together.


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## AVR1962

Affaircare said:


> @AVR1962,
> 
> On the other hand, it is in the realm of possibility that they (the kids) don't like the idea of thinking of their mom as a sexual being. I mean...some folks are pretty open-minded but who thinks of their own mom that way! BLECH. They may also not mind that you left their dad, but seeing you (or thinking of you) with someone other than their dad just hadn't crossed their mind yet.
> 
> But the really important thing that caught my eye here is what I bolded: "... they didn't like him, it was obvious." Does that mean they didn't SAY it? Does that mean you didn't talk to them about it? How do you know that's what they didn't like? I mean, what if you misread their "hints" or "suggestions"? If you and the kids have not had a good sit-down discussion about dating and what they think about ___ or ____ that you are dating, then I strongly recommend that you have a straight up TALK about it, and not just assumptions. They may be sending an entirely different message and your own guilt at dating (as an example) has you interpreting it a whole other way! Just talk about it.
> 
> Okay, this struck me because you've been dating a guy pretty regularly for 6 months, and you only see him once-a-week...and the reason is because you work crazy hours? Chick--when I was dating @Emerging Buddhist, we would facetime every morning, every night as we made dinner, at night when we went to bed, and on Fridays I would leave my town at 4pm, drive 6 hours straight, and arrive at his town at 10pm at night just so I could spend the weekend with him...and then I'd drive 6 hours home on Sunday so I could be at work! Part of what I see from this statement is that you aren't really prioritizing this relationship. I mean, yes a person does have to work to eat, I get that. But when something is REALLY important to you, you find a way to get it done! Now it also sounds to me as if he isn't really prioritizing you either...like the two of you are just drifting down a stream.


I did talk to my kids, they are all adults. I let them know I was dating and they teased and had a great deal of fun with it until they actually saw me with someone and then I think it hit them.

Your relationship with your man cannot be compared to my own experience. If you like to FaceTime every morning, great! That's not for me. I would not be doing what you described above after 6 months, I like to take things slower. the man I have been seeing has children still in school that he has shared custody of and he works 24 hour shifts. I own my own small business which is very time consuming and demanding. Right now we enjoy each other's company but I am not going to pressure him for more and I do not feel that is a bad idea. I want to get to know him and I want him to have the chance to get to know me.


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## AVR1962

UPDATE: So I had been feeling blue as mentioned in my original post. I have arthritis in many parts of my body and have 2 collapsed discs in my back. Sleeping at night is painful to lay on my sides because it hurts my shoulders and turning over in bed is painful for my back. Mornings I have pain bending over. So I decided to try CBD oil to see if it would help my pain. I cannot tell you the difference it has made for me. The first day I got the oil I took a few drops and the next morning I woke up realizing I had not been in pain while I was sleeping. Just to test it I bent over and had no pain. AMAZING!!!!!!! Not only that but the oil has given me clarity in thinking, given me more energy, my mood has improved. I deal with a bit of anxiety and it is gone which makes me feel more confident. I tend to trip over my words a bit and have most of my life and now I am speaking without stumbling. 

For years I have felt kind of numb to reality, not getting involved and pretty much keeping to myself, watching people and watching life but almost like I was not a participant. I had a hard time feeling and I didn't know why. I mentioned this to a counselor of mine and she felt I had lost my zest for life. I have continued to get out and do things but not with a great deal of pleasure. I would drink black tea and eat sugar to give me energy. Even though I have been active I many times would have to force myself out and up, it was like a cloud over me. I think I was somewhat depressed and circuits were not completing themselves in my brain. I thought what I was feeling was all because of past relationships and I still needed to work thru issues. I am now feeling. I cannot begin to tell you the difference the CBD oil has made for me. I woke up feeling 20 years younger, so incredible!!!


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## In Absentia

AVR1962 said:


> I woke up feeling 20 years younger, so incredible!!!


Very interesting! I'm happy for you. My wife takes it to sleep better and for her anxiety... which brand do you use?


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## AVR1962

In Absentia said:


> Very interesting! I'm happy for you. My wife takes it to sleep better and for her anxiety... which brand do you use?


Hempworx....had such good results I decided to buy their shampoo and conditioner.


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## In Absentia

AVR1962 said:


> Hempworx....had such good results I decided to buy their shampoo and conditioner.


Thanks... I might try some CBD oil myself!


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## AVR1962

In Absentia said:


> Thanks... I might try some CBD oil myself!


It's new for me and I am still figuring out how much and when is best for me to take it. Aside from all the benefits mentioned I actually have noticed a difference in my skin, it looks healthier. I am using full spectrum in small amounts. You are supposed to use it under your tongue and let it still there 30 seconds before you swallow. I have used it directly on my skin also. Just one drop on my back and I noticed the pain gone in just minutes. It is nice to be living without pain, nice to feel like I have energy once again!!


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## Emerging Buddhist

AVR1962 said:


> I did talk to my kids, they are all adults. I let them know I was dating and they teased and had a great deal of fun with it until they actually saw me with someone and then I think it hit them.
> 
> Your relationship with your man cannot be compared to my own experience. If you like to FaceTime every morning, great! That's not for me. I would not be doing what you described above after 6 months, I like to take things slower. the man I have been seeing has children still in school that he has shared custody of and he works 24 hour shifts. I own my own small business which is very time consuming and demanding. Right now we enjoy each other's company but I am not going to pressure him for more and I do not feel that is a bad idea. I want to get to know him and I want him to have the chance to get to know me.


Nothing is a bad idea if it works for you!

AC's enthusiasm in her post was just sharing that communication was very important to us both at the time and just a nice "good morning" and and occasional "thinking about you" throughout the day is a nice way to share to the other that they are important in your life and to feel important by another. 

The FaceTime during dinner was a great way to connect until one or the other could drive down or up and was valuable to our friendship as our relationship built over the late Spring into Fall, especially since we were 300 miles apart much of the first 6 months we learned video-conferencing was not just a tool at work (we both use it in our jobs), but our friend and seeing a smile as life shifted in the evening would overcome what was a tough day.

We learned that "hanging-out" was so much fun that it was looked forward to more than a "just fit it in" time and it definitely contributed to the love and feelings we share today.

I know from what you say that this is not you nor would ever say "you should do this"... it will come as it comes.

Saw you have found some relief from your aches and pains, good for you! Long-term is really untested but glad you are finding the relief either way.

Be well my friend...


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## In Absentia

AVR1962 said:


> I have used it directly on my skin also. Just one drop on my back and I noticed the pain gone in just minutes. It is nice to be living without pain, nice to feel like I have energy once again!!


I think creams are available too... maybe you should have a look at that?


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## AVR1962

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Nothing is a bad idea if it works for you!
> 
> AC's enthusiasm in her post was just sharing that communication was very important to us both at the time and just a nice "good morning" and and occasional "thinking about you" throughout the day is a nice way to share to the other that they are important in your life and to feel important by another.
> 
> The FaceTime during dinner was a great way to connect until one or the other could drive down or up and was valuable to our friendship as our relationship built over the late Spring into Fall, especially since we were 300 miles apart much of the first 6 months we learned video-conferencing was not just a tool at work (we both use it in our jobs), but our friend and seeing a smile as life shifted in the evening would overcome what was a tough day.
> 
> We learned that "hanging-out" was so much fun that it was looked forward to more than a "just fit it in" time and it definitely contributed to the love and feelings we share today.
> 
> I know from what you say that this is not you nor would ever say "you should do this"... it will come as it comes.
> 
> Saw you have found some relief from your aches and pains, good for you! Long-term is really untested but glad you are finding the relief either way.
> 
> Be well my friend...


She and I did a little private messaging and she explained. I am so happy for you both. You both were in a situation that brought you together and I think that is wonderful! The replies really made me think over some things. Right now I think I am coming out of that stage of hormones that flood the brain with the guy I have been seeing. In all reality I am not sure he has the time and I have very little so it makes it difficult so I have so things ahead of me to work out. Been doing some reading as well and think it will all come together one way or another. Whether my lil tiger stays in the picture or not I have had a great time with him and happy he could be a part of my life.


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## AVR1962

In Absentia said:


> I think creams are available too... maybe you should have a look at that?


There are, there are all kinds of products.


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## 3Xnocharm

AVR I’m so glad you found something that brings you some relief!


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## Elizabeth001

Maybe change the title to “feeling green”?




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## AVR1962

Elizabeth001 said:


> Maybe change the title to “feeling green”?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


That is a good one!!!!!


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## Amplifi

In Absentia said:


> I would forget men, they are mostly boring...


Haha! They are?


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## Cynthia

3Xnocharm said:


> Hugs to you, AVR!
> 
> Regarding a pet, what about a cat, or a pair of cats? They are much less high maintenance than dogs are! Its too bad you get such limited time with your current guy. Are things progressing? Do you feel this could be something serious and long term for you? If so then it seems that you two will need to find a way to get more time together, being able to spend time is so crucial. I am sorry you seem to be struggling a little.


Two cats from the same litter will be excellent companions. Dogs require a lot more attention, even if you have two of them.


AVR1962 said:


> I did talk to my kids, they are all adults. I let them know I was dating and they teased and had a great deal of fun with it until they actually saw me with someone and then I think it hit them.
> 
> Your relationship with your man cannot be compared to my own experience. If you like to FaceTime every morning, great! That's not for me. I would not be doing what you described above after 6 months, I like to take things slower. the man I have been seeing has children still in school that he has shared custody of and he works 24 hour shifts. I own my own small business which is very time consuming and demanding. Right now we enjoy each other's company but I am not going to pressure him for more and I do not feel that is a bad idea. I want to get to know him and I want him to have the chance to get to know me.


He works 24 hour shifts. I'm thinking that means he gets at least four, maybe five days off per week, am I right?

How can you get to know someone if you barely see or communicate? That to me isn't moving slowly, it's avoiding connection.


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## In Absentia

Amplifi said:


> Haha! They are?


The men I know, yes... :laugh:


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