# Letting Himself Go-Ugh!



## FirstYearDown

My husband has become too comfortable in our marriage. This is distressing, because we have been married for less than two years.

The man I married took care of his physical appearance. He used to buy clothes, shave and get regular haircuts. 

This sloppy looking husband I have lets his beard grow wild, has to be reminded to get a haircut and constantly wears track pants in public. The other day, I finally snapped at him that I shouldn't have to ask a GROWN MAN to shave and get a haircut. "Go clean yourself up! You look dirty!"  Ewwww! What the hell? 

We have had a discussion about these things and I have let my husband know that his lack of self care shows disregard for my feelings. I make sure that I have nice hair, get my nails done and buy cute outfits. I keep myself trimmed down there and I always smell nice and have soft skin. If I am still making an effort while my husband can't be bothered, it is quite obvious that he just doesn't care anymore. 

So now we are going shopping this weekend. My husband no longer wears track pants outside of the house and he has been good about keeping himself groomed. I can't believe we are having this problem-the man I dated always looked like he stepped out of a magazine. 

How could this be happening so early? If he is letting himself look like shxt now, how will it be in 20 years?  If I have to ask for something important in my marriage, it cheapens the request. It is just like a woman having to ask for flowers from her husband; it means nothing because she had to push for it. 

If your husband has let himself go, how do you handle it?


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## Mavash.

FirstYearDown said:


> If I have to ask for something important in my marriage, it cheapens the request. It is just like a woman having to ask for flowers from her husband; it means nothing because she had to push for it.


Okay I'm going to say this with all the heartfelt emotion I can find. I've been married for 20 years and we are happy "now". So I have experience.

Many men are clueless. If you want ANYTHING important in your marriage you will absolutely have to ask for it and in come cases DEMAND it because you are worth it and because you deserve it And they aren't mind readers. 

My husband while he hasn't let himself go he had gained extra weight that wasn't all that attractive (40 pounds) while I work hard to stay skinny. Frustrated me to no end. I finally gave him a come to Jesus conversation about how I was sick and tired of working my butt off (literally - I work out 5 days a week) to look good for him and all he had was excuses as to why he couldn't reciprocate. I swear I was ready to kick this man to the curb for all of his BS excuses. Seriously.

......he's now lost 15 pounds of that 40.


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## that_girl

HA! He sounds like Hubs.

Jeans, teeshirts, track pants. No facial hair though--- work won't allow it. 

I love it though. I dunno...he never looks dirty. And he wears a suit and tie for work so I "get it". He also looks nice when we go out.

Does your hubs dress nice when you two go out?


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## LovesHerMan

I have to gently remind my husband to attend to his grooming, too. He has to look good for work, but he works one week on, one week off, and he hates to shave during the week off. I tease him, saying that Mama don't like a bristley face. 

I agree that it would be nice if he would attend to this without a reminder, but it is just one of the areas of marriage that I have had to adjust to.


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## FirstYearDown

Mavash. said:


> Okay I'm going to say this with all the heartfelt emotion I can find. I've been married for 20 years and we are happy "now". So I have experience.
> 
> Many men are clueless. If you want ANYTHING important in your marriage you will absolutely have to ask for it and in come cases DEMAND it because you are worth it and because you deserve it And they aren't mind readers.
> 
> My husband while he hasn't let himself go he had gained extra weight that wasn't all that attractive (40 pounds) while I work hard to stay skinny. Frustrated me to no end. I finally gave him a come to Jesus conversation about how I was sick and tired of working my butt off (literally - I work out 5 days a week) to look good for him and all he had was excuses as to why he couldn't reciprocate. I swear I was ready to kick this man to the curb for all of his BS excuses. Seriously.
> 
> ......he's now lost 15 pounds of that 40.


I don't expect him to read my mind. I just think that an intelligent adult should know to keep himself looking decent, without someone having to tell him.


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## Enchantment

Well, it is easy and pretty much human nature to get complacent about things and slack off. 

Absolutely nothing wrong with reminding your spouse, even though you want them to have the presence of mind to do it on their own. If you don't remind, it's also human nature for the other person to just assume you are okay with their 'new' look. And also, if you think about how to present the problem, you can often phrase it such that you don't *demand* a change, but you state your issue and then allow them to *decide* to make the change.

My H has always been a physical fitness freak, so we never had problems there. He's a decent dresser, but he does slouch around a bit at home. I did solve that problem by simply buying him some nicer slouching items for home and gave it to him for Christmas or his birthday and I would 'retire' the old, bedraggled stuff. Never had to say a word. 

The only appearance related thing we've had to work on - shaving...as in he would go all weekend without shaving but want a lot of nookie and frankly it was like being poked by a pin cushion. Solved that by letting him know certain things would be off limits because they were uncomfortable otherwise. I never did demand he shave. He could have decided to not shave but then he would have to forego some of the things he really liked - and on his own, he decided to shave. 

I guess the thing is - ask and you shall receive. Don't be afraid to ask and lay it on the line. Let your husband know what you feel.

And another thing that is good about all of this - your husband seemed to hear you and is making some effort to improve. THAT is a positive. Let him know that you admire the new "old" look.


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## Lon

FirstYearDown said:


> ...If I have to ask for something important in my marriage, it cheapens the request. It is just like a woman having to ask for flowers from her husband; it means nothing because she had to push for it.


Absolutely wrong, IMO. The expectation that he will magically conform to your desires without effective communication cheapens the entire marriage. Communicating your needs and having them met (such as asking for flowers and him getting them for you) means EVERYTHING (as opposed to the nothing you suggest). Unless of course you live in a romance fantasy novel.


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## Acorn

Lon said:


> Absolutely wrong, IMO. The expectation that he will magically conform to your desires without effective communication cheapens the entire marriage. Communicating your needs and having them met (such as asking for flowers and him getting them for you) means EVERYTHING (as opposed to the nothing you suggest). Unless of course you live in a romance fantasy novel.


There's two sides to this, though. Hinting at why flowers are important and then outright asking for spouse to send flowers from time to time seems reasonable - some people need to be hit over the head with bluntness - but having to say at each occurrence, "I haven't got flowers in a while, please send me some today." defeats the purpose. I think the later is what OP was referring to.


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## that_girl

yea, that would be like telling someone to throw you a surprise party tomorrow night. LOL Defeats the purpose.


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## Lon

If its important enough that you consider it a "need" then you should be communicating it regularly.

If it is something that you think would make you feel nice and he isn't doing it, then you should be communicating it.

If you want to leave things open and hope they are caring enough to do nice things on their own then don't make it into a major issue or else you will just be building resentment for yourself. And also take more notice of the nice little things he DOES do for you in his own love language.


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## Mavash.

that_girl said:


> yea, that would be like telling someone to throw you a surprise party tomorrow night. LOL Defeats the purpose.


As a general rule I hate parties (I'm highly introverted) but for my 40th I did want one. 

And yes I asked my husband to throw it for me. 

I have no qualms asking him for a birthday party if I want one.


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## that_girl

I look SO AWFUL today LOL but I haven't let myself go. I just feel like poop run over by a truck, run over by an elephant.


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## that_girl

Mavash. said:


> As a general rule I hate parties (I'm highly introverted) but for my 40th I did want one.
> 
> And yes I asked my husband to throw it for me.
> 
> I have no qualms asking him for a birthday party if I want one.


You asked for a surprise party? LOL I doubt it.

That's different to ask for a party.


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## Mavash.

that_girl said:


> You asked for a surprise party? LOL I doubt it.
> 
> That's different to ask for a party.


I love your posts. I was just picking on you. It was a surprise party even though I did ask for it. And I'm so clueless I fell for it. LOL

At 20 years of marriage I've learned if I want something, anything I better damn well ask for it <nicely> in clear, easy to understand language or it's not happening. Would I say to him "hey I haven't gotten flowers for a while send me some?" Absolutely. I have no shame in getting what I want and I don't care about the HOW it happens.

Side note: I know my husband loves me so his heart is in it. He would HAPPILY do anything for me. All I have to do is ask.


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## Blanca

FirstYearDown said:


> I finally snapped at him that I shouldn't have to ask a GROWN MAN to shave and get a haircut. "Go clean yourself up! You look dirty!"  Ewwww! What the hell?
> 
> We have had a discussion about these things and I have let my husband know that his lack of self care shows disregard for my feelings.


He's not gonna want to put up with this for long. Don't be surprised if he starts distancing himself from you. Look into working on your boundaries.


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## Mavash.

Blanca said:


> He's not gonna want to put up with this for long. Don't be surprised if he starts distancing himself from you. Look into working on your boundaries.


This is a really really good point. Boundaries come from a place of total self confidence. They state what you will or won't tolerate. They are centered and 'I' focused. Never mean.

Took YEARS of therapy for me to get this concept.


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## FirstYearDown

Some of us are not perfect, so we are not _always_ polite in _every single interaction _with our spouse. While I am aware of the proper way to express boundaries, I forget from time to time. Thanks for the reminders! :smthumbup:

My husband is a real man, so one little sharp comment from me is not going to make him distance himself. It would have to be a _pattern _of nasty words and angry tones. There has been no nagging about his issue, just that one sentence.

Acorn hit the nail right on the head.


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## Cherry

That's good that he's making some proogress. My H has actually cleaned himself up since we got married. He wasn't a slob when we met, but he was kind of stuck in his 20 year old street days... It was kind of sexy being that he was only suppose to be a fling. Once he recovered from his last relapse, he really cleaned himself up and started looking more family like... For a better choice of a description. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unhappy2011

^^street days? So you married a homeless guy and think that look is sexy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unhappy2011

I totally agree with the op.

It sucks for men too when their wives get fat. But apparently if men say something to women that is a big huge deal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FirstYearDown

While we have both gained weight since marrying, neither of us are fat. He still finds me very sexy as I do him....just don't like the track pants and messy beard look.

We are picking up some clothes for him this weekend.  I don't pick what my husband wears; he just wants my opinion.


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## Cherry

Unhappy2011 said:


> ^^street days? So you married a homeless guy and think that look is sexy?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not homeless looking, lol. Just simple... Same shirt all the time, just simple. I don't know how to explain it, but definitely not homeless... lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unhappy2011

Cherry said:


> Not homeless looking, lol. Just simple... Same shirt all the time, just simple. I don't know how to explain it, but definitely not homeless... lol
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I was just joking with ya. . When you said street it made me think of the movie Zoolander and the derilique fashion line.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister

This is an interesting conversation. To read the woman's perspective on this subject is enlightening. And yes...we are clueless to what you ladies want. There's just no denying that fact.


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