# The 3 day rule



## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

My wife and I have successfully implemented this strategy for making love over the last 6 months. Specifically, we must make love if it's been 3 days since the last encounter. 

(Example:Monday, then Thursday at the latest)

Prior to this we would go more in spurts (excuse the pun), like maybe 3 days in a row, but then 4 or 5 days off. Trouble, doubt, arguments, and distance frequently crept in during the "off" days.

Mind you, we don't have to wait until day 3 to go again, but if it does get there, we do. In fact, we have done it more over the last 6 months than ever as a result of our "rule," often joking like _Day 3 today?_ even though we both know we had just done it the night before. I know lots of people build sex up like it has to be inspired, original, and daring every time, but from my experience being married I think that frequent "standard" love-making is more important than almost everything else in terms of maintaining closeness with your spouse.

Anyway, it's worked really well for us so I just thought I'd share if anyone thinks this type of "rule" might work for them.


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## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

That does sound like a promising technique. I'll have to ask my husband how he'd feel about that sort of "rule" in our marriage, it certainly would decrease alot of tension if there were clear expectations set about frequency...and with less tension, perhaps it would be easier for a bond to reform....

anything is worth a shot, right?

either way, thank you for sharing!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What happens when she's on her period? Hubby won 't come near me when I'm on mine.


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

Did you both agree on this just to keep your sex life in check? To me, anything 'mandated' would seem like a chore after a while...


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## BALANCE (Nov 18, 2011)

We just started a "sex schedule" this month. We're coming off a pretty dry spell so we're going with once a week for now. The day is marked on the family calendar. I would love a 3 day rule but my wife probably wouldn't go for it yet. 

When you're both working and have kids and everything else I don't see any problem with having some clear expectations.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

The 3 day rule seems to be working for you. Especially when 'Third Day' happens sooner spontaneously. And I could defn see how this would ease a lot of strain, resentments etc if there were issues with the frequency of sex before. 

As far as chores go, I'd be more inclined for the 3-day sex chore than the 7-day clean the bathroom chore! That could be just me : )


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

The 3-day rule is only for the 3 weeks she's not on her period, not the one week during menstruation.

And yes, we started it as an experiment towards a healthier sex life together. Like I said, the number per month wasn't bad before, it just was too bunched up, leaving a week long drought from time to time.

I might add, that now it's bunched up too, but all thru the month without gaps! Like any routine, rut, or habit frequent love making becomes the norm. And in my opinion, this is a much healthier "rut" to be in.

Btw, it never feels like a chore.


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

baldmale said:


> The 3-day rule is only for the 3 weeks she's not on her period, not the one week during menstruation.
> 
> And yes, we started it as an experiment towards a healthier sex life together. Like I said, the number per month wasn't bad before, it just was too bunched up, leaving a week long drought from time to time.
> 
> ...


:smthumbup: That's great. It sounds like a good idea for ppl not satisfied with their sexlife.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

We have a similar rule. There are always exceptions. But if it goes too long between there will be trouble. My wife is currently the low drive partner and this helps to keep her from feeling badgered. she is always willing when it is time. Sometimes she isn't much interested, but does it because she knows I need it. After all most people want the person they love to be happy. Remember spontaneity is not ruled out, at our age spontaneity would be very infrequently. 

M N


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## BALANCE (Nov 18, 2011)

Star said:


> Have to say that I would not be a fan of a schedule, like a previous poster has already mentioned it would seem like a chore and to me fixed rather than spontaneous.


We do have some issues so it's not what I would consider the best situation.

Also, spontaneous sex can happen whenever, but we still get that scheduled date as well. Just keeps it from going too long. At least that's the plan. We're only in week 1.


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## VeryShyGirl (Feb 18, 2010)

This seems like a great idea, thanks for sharing!

A while back I made a similar rule for myself, but the problem is sometimes I get lazy after a while and there is nobody to hold me accountable because I'm the only one who knows the dang rule! It'd be great if my husband were on the same page. From what I can tell both of our drives are on the mid-low end but I have come to realize the benefits of regular sex in marriage.

Not sure how I'd bring this up with my husband though. I'm worried he'd be insulted and feel inadequate... he's very sensitive.


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

VeryShyGirl said:


> Not sure how I'd bring this up with my husband though. I'm worried he'd be insulted and feel inadequate... he's very sensitive.


I don't this this is that hard to bring up. Just stress how much you love being intimate with him and you'd like to get in a routine of it - you know, to enjoy him even more often. What guy wouldn't like to hear that his wife wants him a bit more regularly?

The "rule" can obviously be adjusted for each couple to 4 days, 5 days, 2 days, or whatever.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

The first time a "Not tonight" becomes "It's been 3 days, your breaking our agreement" it may not be such a good idea.

Transactional sex and contractual sex will eventually cause resentment.

Making a date like "Hey, keep Thursday open...I have an idea" is sexy.

Mandating at least 10 days a month, not so much.


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

May not work for all couples and personalities, I agree. Especially those that think of this as a hard "contract." For us, it's more of a fun thing we started as a way to cut down on long lapses of intimacy. 

And it's working great for us and our personalities. If it works for others, great. If you think it would cause resentment in your situation, then definitely don't give it a go. We have missed the 3 day rule once or twice over the last 6 months, but whatever, by and large it has been the single best thing we have tried for consistent and fulfilling intimacy. And for us, it has worked spectacularly.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hell if the missus ever enforced ever such rules again it kills my desire completely! ROUTINE KILLS EVERYTHING! =/

It comes when it comes


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## annagarret (Jun 12, 2011)

I have read about the 3 day rule in a couple of books. It goes along with the fact that men have a hormonal 72 hour clock for physiological release. Whatever the reason, it just feels AWESOME to come together (hahaha) and feel connected to each other so regularly. When your having regular sex with your spouse you can't stay mad at them for anything!!!!!!! hehehe


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I think this kind of rule is a very good idea. It takes away the fear of rejection. The only problem is, is there any other rule that can over ride this rule. For instance if there was an argument that day.


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## DoRight (Dec 10, 2011)

My wife and I have found that this kind of rule works great. Our rule is every Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. That just works for our schedule. 

Even in a stable marriage, the fear of rejection is high enough that without the rule in place, sex is just not going to happen sometimes. 

Let's say you and the Sig other are having a minor argument. Neither of you is going to want to ask the other for sex. Asking would be sort of a weakness. Even though the sexual release would help both people overcome the resentment. If you have the rule, neither one has to "ask" for sex, it's just the rule. 

Men particularly tend to become stressed and cranky without regular sex, Whether they realize it or not. 

Some have posted that they would feel constrained and obligated by such a rule. I would argue that the rule is simply a verbalization of your commitment to each other. 

I have never understood how some people see no problem and are perfectly willing to walk the dog twice a day, feed the dog on a regular regimented schedule, even clean up dog crap in the yard yet somehow feel extremely put out when the topic of sex on a schedule comes up. Why is the dog more important than the spouse?


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

baldmale said:


> My wife and I have successfully implemented this strategy for making love over the last 6 months. Specifically, we must make love if it's been 3 days since the last encounter.
> 
> (Example:Monday, then Thursday at the latest)
> 
> ...


Very insightful.


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## MAEPT10 (Oct 19, 2011)

How does the H bring this up to the W? I mean in my situation (like many others) I feel that my W's sex drive is what is lacking. Or sometimes she can be very forgetful (to a point where she thinks she is developing a condition of memory loss) and is like "we just had sex like two days ago, when it was really like 3 weeks or a month ago. So if I brought up "3 day rule" I think I would get some push back.

A reminder that its "sex" night would be the hard part for me to express to her. 

I would love a schedule I think. I don't know because I have never tried that, but would like to give it a shot. I could see sex losing its spontaneity though too.

I think that many women would not like the idea of a schedule.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

I think the "schedule" only works when there is normally sex in your life... don't think that would work in many struggling marriages in the sex dept. at all.

I can only dream of every three days. I'll be ecstatic with once a week or every two weeks.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I think that scheduling can work if you are both committed to seeing it through.

We've 'soft' scheduled in the past - like where we agreed we would not go more than 5 - 7 days without PIV, during certain times. The most recent time that comes to memory when we did this was about two years ago and I was going through some health issues, but really didn't want to let this connection go away. Normally, if we get in to this mode, we also try and up the touching, hugging, kissing, and talking as well (and my H ups the flirting), so that we are connecting with each other in different ways more often.

There have been studies done that show that increasing the frequency of intercourse helps women to actually desire it more. So, if you get in a sexless slump, the average woman's desire for sex will start to slowly erode and decline, while at the same time her husband's will start to sky-rocket. And it can be more difficult for the average woman to get in to sex again easily and it will take longer for her to gain satisfaction (arousal and orgasm). That's why I think trying to keep this connection going is very important in a marriage. If scheduling is something you think could work, then try it. 

I think the time it would not work, is if it is the brainstorm of only one of the partners and the other is resentful or dragging their feet about it and feels like they are pressured to perform. Sometimes that can be taken care of if you take turns initiating within a window, e.g., one can initiate on these 3 days and the other can initiate on these 3 days, and it isn't such a 'hard' rule, but a 'soft' rule.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

I can see it being a great tool to couples where both partners want to up or maintain the quantity of sex, and have an agreed measure of how much, or for couples where the "real world" gets in the way too often.

The problem I see is that as a "rule" it's totally unenforceable, and the first time one partner decides to break the rule, they can, no comebacks, and the whole thing falls to pieces.


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

Once in 3 days is definitely bareable. I think I could put up with that. But if there has been an argument that has not been resolved, and the 3rd day comes, then that is a shame. He gets no sex that day. I don't bone people that p1ss me off, I have too much self respect for that. But other than arguments or sickness I think I could put up with a 3 day thing. Any more than that would be pushing it.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

This is a great rule


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## SoHO (Sep 19, 2011)

How to apply this 3 day rule when you have kids? Just when you're up to do your thing you hear them going to the bathroom or checking with you to see if you sleep in your room and your mood shuts down.
I’d like to stay connected with my H but it’s hard to find the time to apply the 3 day rule after you run all day with the kids and run errands and cook and do homework etc. I’m exhausted! We barely have sex once a week and that’s Saturday mornings when we tell them we want to sleep late. Don’t get me wrong I love having kids and I love them from the bottom of my hart and love to spend time with them and be involved in their lives but I don’t see how to apply this rule now.
Any advice?

SoHo


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

HelloooNurse said:


> Once in 3 days is definitely bareable. I think I could put up with that. But if there has been an argument that has not been resolved, and the 3rd day comes, then that is a shame. He gets no sex that day. I don't bone people that p1ss me off, I have too much self respect for that. But other than arguments or sickness I think I could put up with a 3 day thing. Any more than that would be pushing it.


What if you p*ss him off? Does it work both ways?


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

SoHO said:


> How to apply this 3 day rule when you have kids? Just when you're up to do your thing you hear them going to the bathroom or checking with you to see if you sleep in your room and your mood shuts down.
> I’d like to stay connected with my H but it’s hard to find the time to apply the 3 day rule after you run all day with the kids and run errands and cook and do homework etc. I’m exhausted! We barely have sex once a week and that’s Saturday mornings when we tell them we want to sleep late. Don’t get me wrong I love having kids and I love them from the bottom of my hart and love to spend time with them and be involved in their lives but I don’t see how to apply this rule now.
> Any advice?
> 
> SoHo


Now don't come in here and upset the applecart asking how to apply this advice in the real world!

If they're very young, the only advice I can give is get what you can, when you can, by any means you can. Mrs Beane and I got through the years when they were very little that way. As they get older, it does get easier - or it did for us, anyway.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

SoHO said:


> How to apply this 3 day rule when you have kids? Just when you're up to do your thing you hear them going to the bathroom or checking with you to see if you sleep in your room and your mood shuts down.
> I’d like to stay connected with my H but it’s hard to find the time to apply the 3 day rule after you run all day with the kids and run errands and cook and do homework etc. I’m exhausted! We barely have sex once a week and that’s Saturday mornings when we tell them we want to sleep late. Don’t get me wrong I love having kids and I love them from the bottom of my hart and love to spend time with them and be involved in their lives but I don’t see how to apply this rule now.
> Any advice?
> 
> SoHo


Our kids are 8, 10, and 17. Since they are a little older, we find the time in the evening after supper. The 17 year old will be doing the dishes. The other two will be either in the bath(which they wash their own hair and bodies), or the younger two are playing with each other. My hubby and I will then take that time and lock our bedroom door. Once in a while one of the kids will knock on the door(usually on the weekends) to ask something. We tell them to wait and we'll be right out. It doesn't happen often where the kids knock. If we wait until everyone is in bed, I'd be zonked out. Lately, we have been averaging 6 nights a week. When we are done, we will get dressed, unlock the door and snuggle up to each other for 1/2-1 hour.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

HelloooNurse said:


> But if there has been an argument that has not been resolved, and the 3rd day comes, then that is a shame. He gets no sex that day. I don't bone people that p1ss me off, I have too much self respect for that.


Sugar, that's exactly why it's so important to schedule it and stick to it. Sex changes the subject to something, anything other than the argument. most arguments are trivial matters that don't mean diddly. Have some whoopie and afterwords, you are back on speaking terms w/ the spouse 

watching a comedy would have the same effect. But sex is WAY more worthwhile.


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## janemilda (Dec 21, 2011)

I have this same "rule" for myself. It's more a mental thing and not hard-and-fast. Basically, I try not to let more than 2-3 days go by without sex. There are times when this rule slides - stress, life, kids - things get in the way. But I try to stick to it. Hubby knows about it, and he loves it. lol Overall, I'd say this works for us.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

HN,
This is perfectly healthy. It is important however that you an accurate compass for who really was out of line when you have conflict. Otherwise as the LD spouse you are basically creating a situation where your HD partner has to apologize even when they are the injured partner - or go celibate. And that is not nice. 

BTW - I have read some of your recent posts. You get serious props for making the effort to please your partner. I hope he realizes that it is a BIG thing when a LD partner makes the efforts that you do. I hope he is gradually learning to make the overall experience more positive for you. And that he goes the extra mile for you outside the bedroom, as you clearly do inside the bedroom. 

On a related note I am going to guess that he is a good guy. The "tone" of your posts seems to have shifted in the last year or so. You seem to have moved from seeing mostly the side of the LD spouse to what appears to be a much more moderate "see both sides to it" posture. 

Of course I might be wrong. Perhaps it is that I have moved more towards the middle and am not more sympathetic to LD partners. 

Either way happy holidays.



HelloooNurse said:


> Once in 3 days is definitely bareable. I think I could put up with that. But if there has been an argument that has not been resolved, and the 3rd day comes, then that is a shame. He gets no sex that day. I don't bone people that p1ss me off, I have too much self respect for that. But other than arguments or sickness I think I could put up with a 3 day thing. Any more than that would be pushing it.


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

HelloooNurse said:


> . I don't bone people that p1ss me off, I have too much self respect for that. But other than arguments or sickness I think I could put up with a 3 day thing. Any more than that would be pushing it.


Nurse: that's the whole point for goodness sakes! There is always a reason not to have sex. There will always be kids around. There will always be something going on. There will always be an argument. Do you want to bone your H or not? 

SEriously, who are the adults? Aren't you and your husband supposed to be the leaders? why put the kids before your spouse? 

It is not that complicated. Put your kids in their rooms or cribs for 15 mintutes and have sex. Your kids will be fine. It's just 15 minutes. If you make your kids a higher priority than your spouse you will find yourself being a divorced person


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Hope1964 said:


> What happens when she's on her period? Hubby won 't come near me when I'm on mine.


My husband for some odd reason would always want me when I was on my period before I had a hysterectomy. I've heard that men have a higher drive for thier partners when thier partner is ovulating. Every child we have was concieved during a period, usually the end of it. My husband was definatly not turned off by the period, he would just lay towels out. He would tell me he would me with my cramps,LOL!

All not an issue now that I don't have periods


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## SoCalHubby (Jan 7, 2012)

I'm new here -- thought I'd jump in. This thread is very interesting to me. My wife and I do something very similar. Our usual pattern is every other night, with the understanding that it's no big deal if this slides to every third night, but it takes a good reason to go beyond this -- i.e. it's rare for us to go beyond 3 days. We don't think of this as a "rule" -- it's more like a goal that we both share. 

For us it never feels like a chore -- it's more like a "rhythm" within our marriage that helps keep us on track and very connected.

One aspect that I don't think others have commented on...
For us, we enjoy knowing and anticipating ahead of time which nights we're going to have sex and which nights we're NOT going to, and we enjoy BOTH. So for example, last night we did, so tonight we know it's an "off" night when we can focus on being cozy and affectionate without the expectation of sex. 

Someone else posted a different approach, sex on Wed-Fri-Sun, and by coincidence we've actually tried these exact same days, and we liked it. For some reason we ended up going back to every other day, but I'm considering going back to Wed-Fri-Sun which is only slightly less than every other day. It's just a different sort of rhythm.

In our marriage, I'm the driving force in terms of sexual frequency, but I like this role, especially since my wife is virtually always "game".


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## jellybeanz_1978 (Mar 13, 2011)

i think if you are both on board with it, it can be fun. Might even be a bit of a turn on knowing that on that day three your husband is thinking about you all day knowing what's in store for that evening. have fun with it, as long as there isnt resentment if on day three one of you isnt in the mood, at least it's a solid reminder to take the time for your partner.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Star said:


> Have to say that I would not be a fan of a schedule, like a previous poster has already mentioned it would seem like a chore and to me fixed rather than spontaneous.


Agree that spontaneous is best.

But, if waiting for spontaneity means that sex happens rarely (or never), isn't scheduling it far better than never having it? This board and others abound with the tales of the damage done by bad sex (or no sex) in marriage.

Or, to look at it another way, there are many things we enjoy doing that we schedule to make sure they get done - the schedule merely reflects a priority on that activity. Do you tell your good friends "well we will meet when I feel like it, and if we don't then it's no big deal - making plans is such a drag"? Or, do you make the effort to carve out some time and are grateful for the opportunity to connect?

Why should you sex life be any different (or lower priority)?


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

I was under the impression that marriage leads to easy access, therefore sex _at least _5 times a week was the norm. 

Go figure???


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

DTO said:


> Agree that spontaneous is best.
> 
> But, if waiting for spontaneity means that sex happens rarely (or never), isn't scheduling it far better than never having it? This board and others abound with the tales of the damage done by bad sex (or no sex) in marriage.
> 
> ...


:iagree: 

sadly the sex is lower priority for so many. I think a lot of the sex deniers enjoy the power that denying the other brings.


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## alphapuppy (Jan 17, 2012)

I like that rule. I will ask my spouse about it tonight.


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## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

Two points I would like to make here. 1) Although it is “scheduled”, it isn’t mandatory. It is more along the lines of just keeping the idea in the forefront of the minds of both. More of a reminder to ‘show’ someone you do love them and want to be with them. As ‘life’ tends to happen and for most, at the end of the day, if you are going to give up something on your to-do list, this tends to be the most common/easiest thing to give up yet probably the most important thing we shouldn’t give up. If it were something you really valued and you as an individual thought to be really important to you, you would forego something else that was less important to you to make sure it happened. Having some guideline in place allows both people to say, without having to verbally say it, that you each are placing this as a high value item. 2) With me being the LD individual I tend to not keep this as a high priority. AND, having been married for 25+ years to a HD individual has caused many problems over the years. Though we are still in recovery, we are now closer to being on the same page as I now know without a doubt that he needs this and needs this regularly, and I NEEDED it more than I thought I did. To help us get on the road to recovery after his PA, we started out on a journey of sexual experience where it was simply agreed upon that for 14 days straight we would have some kind of sexual interaction. Sometimes it was all about him, others it was all about me and of course there were many times it was for us both. It wasn’t a chore but more of a time to explore what we wanted from the other or for the other. It was a time where the one who really wanted it didn’t have to fear they were going to be rejected because the other wasn’t in the mood, therefore not allowing the rejection to fester which in turn would usually keep the relationship from being able to move forward in a healthy way. It gave each of us permission to be sexual and allowed us to say without having to say anything that we WANTED to feel the other one. Most men tend to not really express how important touch is to them. They need it regularly it makes them feel needed. And most women find it hard to admit that touch is necessary and it makes them feel loved. With our commitment, it made it almost impossible to not continue with a more regulated/regular sex life afterward (now 16 months since D-day). Everything seems off now when we go more than a few days without having some kind of sexual contact with the other. Is this for everyone? Absolutely NOT! But if you are trying to get back to connecting with someone you love, why not try some version that works for you and your partner?


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## anna garret 01 (Jan 22, 2012)

I think this is very wise. with life and kids, and work schedules, it actually make you anticipate the night with your beloved.....yum..yum


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

blueskies30 said:


> My husband for some odd reason would always want me when I was on my period before I had a hysterectomy. I've heard that men have a higher drive for thier partners when thier partner is ovulating. Every child we have was concieved during a period, usually the end of it. My husband was definatly not turned off by the period, he would just lay towels out. He would tell me he would me with my cramps,LOL!
> 
> All not an issue now that I don't have periods


you must ovulate quickly after your period! When a woman is bleeding, it's because the body is releasing the tissue that could have held an embryo...but the egg (usually released 2 weeks before) wasn't fertilized.


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## Debbie Roxs (Dec 30, 2011)

We are both so very busy and stressed due to each of us working on and trying to make money in our own respective business that if we didn't schedule sex we would NEVER have it.


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## bossesgirl26 (Jun 19, 2011)

In my marriage, three days would not fly. It was once a day minimum. Just part of what we did. Very clear expectation. I didn't mind either.


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