# I want to separate but he doesn't, help!



## onemorethought (Oct 17, 2011)

I dont even know where to begin. I have been married for over 9 yrs and I want out so bad that it is making me physically ill. I have expressed to him my desire to end the relationship and its like he doesn't hear me. He still tries to kiss me and tells me he loves me as if there is nothing wrong. He claims he isn't going anywhere and that I am crazy, I have even thought about giving him everything just to get away. I have fibromyalgia and severe depression which is worsened by living every day like I have been with him. I don't hate him, I just don't want to be married to him anymore. We have no children together. He has four from previous relationships and their mothers treat me so badly which makes the kids not respect me. I have two from previous relationship and they are all I can care about right now. I am so lost! I just need to talk about it.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

onemorethought said:


> I dont even know where to begin. I have been married for over 9 yrs and I want out so bad that it is making me physically ill. I have expressed to him my desire to end the relationship and its like he doesn't hear me. He still tries to kiss me and tells me he loves me as if there is nothing wrong. He claims he isn't going anywhere and that I am crazy, I have even thought about giving him everything just to get away. I have fibromyalgia and severe depression which is worsened by living every day like I have been with him. I don't hate him, I just don't want to be married to him anymore. We have no children together. He has four from previous relationships and their mothers treat me so badly which makes the kids not respect me. I have two from previous relationship and they are all I can care about right now. I am so lost! I just need to talk about it.


Why do you want to leave him so badly? There must be something....


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Vent away, lots of listeners here 

Do you know why you want out? Specific reasons? That you could list out to him? This might help. Putting it on paper, and that gives you something to work on with him.

Having severe depression might mean that you maybe should not leave right now. That's a major life change. He might likely think you are just "down" and once you feel better you will see that he loves you and just wants to help you. I kinda agree, work on getting your depression under control, and then make a decision. 

In the meantime, it greatly helps to focus on what is good about your life. Write them down. Spend more time with your kids. Start reading books. Do you work? 

This may sound odd, but it is possible to change your mindset about whether or not he makes your depression worse. You believe he does... but you can also believe that he can make you feel better about yourself. 

Respect is a good place to start. Lay down your boundaries. Tell everyone how they must treat you. correct dis-respectful comments by calmly saying it is unacceptable to talk to you that way. 

I am sorry to hear about the fibromyalgia and the depression, they can go hand in hand, and finding the right pain management therapy can be so much trial and error. I have a relative with this. Swimming and walking everyday might help. The first two weeks might be hard, and cause more pain, but I swear it helps! Staying active is sooo important, and the pain lessens incredibly in the end. If walking on a treadmill, be sure to swing your arms like natural walking. There is something about that motion that helps the spine and neck. And the hormones from exercising help immensely with feeling better. 

All of this just points to the same outcome, which is getting to a place where you feel better and can take back CONTROL of your life. I live with a chronic illness myself. I understand how crucial that is your mental well being. Take charge of you. The rest will fall into place.


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## onemorethought (Oct 17, 2011)

God, there is so much to vent about, I don't even know where to start. When I met him I knew he had four children with several different mothers. I brought them all together for him by communicating with their moms and being the middle man in all of their drama with him and the past. I have made a life of being nothing more than a middle man, maid and babysitter. Now, don't get me wrong, he loves my two girls as well and has done a tremendous amount for them. We have no children together. 

He got caught having an affair two years ago during my recovery of my hysterectomy. Still to this day he has never said sorry! When that happened I became ill, i became severely depressed and ended up being diagnosed with severe depression and fibro. I was in a great career and had a very awesome future but the illness took over and eventually lost my job because of it. 

I cannot have a conversation with him about us, he gets angry and screams and the tension becomes so bad that I find myself not being able to physically move or get out of bed. We have no sex life. He has told me he hates it and could care less about it and that I am a nympho who needs help coping with dealing with a sexless marriage which he is fully okay with, however, I am not. 

I can't remember the last time he complimented me on anything other than dinner was good. I have gotten to the point to when I can't even look at him. I have no desire to be close to him, sleep with him or even be around him. When its time for him to come home from work, all I want to do is leave because I don't want to be around him. I hate the way this feels, it is truly causing me severe physical trauma. 

I have talked to him until I am blue about wanting out and he acts like if he just ignores it, it will go away. 

I asked him to leave but he refuses, honestly he cannot financially take care of himself and has no means as to a place to move to. I have asked to take over one of the bedrooms and have two of the girls share a room for awhile but he states he will move into the gargage before he will let that happen. I can't have that because I will worry about him in the garage, because even though I want out, I do care about him as a person. 

So with no job, limited income and a husband who refuses to believe that his wife no longer loves him, I am stuck. I don't even know where to begin in this and how to accomplish what needs to be done. All I know is, I am sick and I hurt and when he isn't with me, it isn't that bad, but as soon as he gets around me, I hurt so bad... He absolutely refuses to go to counseling and he states that he never will, so what do i do?

Whew, venting is rough, lol!


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## kekel1123 (Aug 17, 2011)

Thats what my wife had felt for me right now. I think it's resenment,hatred, anger and disaapointment throughout the years. Thats what happened to my wife and I acknowledge it right now. Thats why I am doing everything to win her back (if I still could). She wants Seperation/divorce and i fell devastated. My clock is ticking and I know I have to move fast not to completely loose her. I love her and our daughter. I know You are feeling this way because of you issues with him and within yourself. So try to reflect. Because a lot of things are going on to our live's. If you will be overwhelmed by all this, you cannot think constructively. Let not you emotions/feelinngs right now overcome your decision/s, Think it when you are calm and you will know the truth and ask guidnace to HIM as well. Hope this helps.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Sounds like either he doesn't want to hear you, or your words have no value to him.... both suck. 

Soooooo.... stop discussing it with him. Work on what YOU need. Go back to school if you need new skills. Research divorce laws where you live. Plan and dream and figure out HOW to do this. ( I fantasized for years about getting a divorce.... but I couldn't figure out HOW to pull it off... financially.... til my ex walked out, then I figured it out pretty quick!) You don't need him to ALLOW you to separate. You get all your ducks in a row, and walk out the door. It's ALL on you tho, you are the one who wants it. 

Remember the Serenity Prayer....


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