# Anger, disgust, hatred, disbelief, yep,,, still.



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Previous posts may have alluded to some suggestion that I am or have "moved on" and gotten completely "over" the divorce, the loss of a life with my child full time. Im sorry to have spoken so pretensively and emboldened. I have physically moved on into my own house, and have struggles with that right now not even involving my exwife, but even in a single day I can attest that I have this morning felt good and hopeful about my future and my new life, but at this point of time in the afternoon, as much as I feel it wrong to say, I feel real and intimate hatred for my ex. I want to never see her again. Oh, how I should forgive for my own sake or risk being eaten alive by this resentment... yeah,, I know.... I just dont want to have anything to do with my ex, for my own sake,, plus I dont like seeing her seemingly rewarded by the universe for her actions, her murder of our family..

The barn has burned down, why turn to it anymore? If for the pure sake of my daughter that I must still have some form of interaction with this meathole of a woman.

As Jellybeans suggested I finally removed a lot of mutual friends today, to prevent myself from seeing their posts on FB. I should actually close it down altogether, but I have family up north on it, and theyve been instrumental in many areas of my healing, and I need them. 
During the divorce I traded over 25K worth of assets to see my daughter more than every other weekend, as is the standard order here for Dads without a million bucks to fight for three years in a court where infidelity means nothing in terms of parental fitness; I had to trade what I know meant the most to my exwife for what I wanted. 
It was so very worth it. I get to pick up my daughter tonite after daycare. Ha.. "get to".. 
As if suddenly throughout all this pain and personal anguish, I, like a beaten slave, get to eat crumbs from the queens table.
I feel weighted down by the injustices thrown on me, very weighted down. I now know who the newest of the new guy is my exwife is dating and keeping informed due to the inclusion of my daughter in whatever gamble my ex takes with her life, I find that it appears that just about anyone can catch my ex's eye these days. A kind word, a persistence, and shes alll yours.
How I remember years ago, a guy like this would have warranted a hearty "YUK" from her almost immediately, I find her standards have begun to scrape the bottom of the barrel. 

Forgive me, for not being able to prevent it from seeming to reflect on me, at this moment. I was traded for scum. 
Greasy, swollen necked, ditch sleeping scum. 
And what part of this will my daughter see or be witness to? 

One of the aspects of the "part time dad" syndrome, is the loss of control of all parts of your childs safety. you know, when youve always known you paid more attention to things, when your spouse was nonchalant or outright ignorant about it, "Dont ride your bike in the street!!", but when your spouse is watching them ride their bikes, they're inches away from being run over by a car, and they still find room to call you overprotective....
well, you were underprotective.. (gee that sounds less-than-adequate)

But, nonetheless having the time you can be there and afford the watchful eye, be drastically reduced, you find yourself in the position of having to trust the one person you trust the least, in terms of fidelity, in terms of parental skill, in terms of rational intelligence, to watch over the child while youve been banished from the family, and replaced by a greasy scumbag.
Common "parenting classes" urge you to refrain from talking negatively against the other parent, but how can you keep from it, when even the child is speaking against what she sees? I wont fight "for" her mothers actions or make excuses for her. 
How often I would have liked to say, "Yes, honey, your mother has turned into a wh0re, and has lost her mind and I am sorry you still have to struggle for attention from that selfish piece-of-sh!t." 
How I wish I could swoop down and take her away from all that filth and neglect. 
Oh, how the courts have served me so well here. Oh, justice whats your name, how knowledgeable and integral you are promoting the welfare of the child, by quoting "state guidelines".

While I struggle without a refrigerator, without a washer and dryer to do clothing at the moment, things seem hard. I got an ice cooler with ice in it, and can wash clothes in the sink or tub if i have to. (forgive me if I sound spoiled). Compared to all the luxuries of the old house my exwife still lives in, that I very well contributed to throughout our years, I hate the fact that I am suddenly still at a struggle in life, compared to the one that caused it all. As I give her the last two hundred dollars I have to cover expenses, as promised and ordered, she tells me how she plans on getting wood flooring put in the old house. 
Keep in mind her paychecks are about 30% more than mine, and she contributes about 300% more than I do towards her own retirement plans; these things I gave up willingly to see my daughter more, and to make this agreement more palatable to the ex. 

I am out of cash. I dont know for sure what all the bills will amount to on the next check, new home and all. Just getting settled in, and I hate that the life I provide over here could very well seem so dull to my child in comparison to her mothers house. I really hope not though. 

Literally, the finality of thoughts converge back to the fact that a life with my ex right now is completely revolting. I say never, becuase never is where it is. I must deal with this situation I am in as it is right now, I have no other choice. But also, suffice it to say that I dont really remember the last time that the term "hate" held such meaning, such poignancy.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I'm sorry to hear all this but if it makes you feel better..You are not alone.  I feel your pain! But it WILL get better. Divorce/separation is a lot like what you go through after someone dies. There's shock, grieving, anger, etc, etc. Especially when you have been the one wronged initially and then go on to suffer at the hands at the one who wronged you. You feel as if salt is constantly being rubbed in your wounds and the scars that form over them are being brutally pulled off and you bleed again and again, feeling that pain repeatedly..It totally sucks. 

But one day you WILL not just divorce/separate physically but emotionally as well. You will still feel bitter and angry if you reflect back it will be dull throb. Life will go on and you will be happy and fulfilled. 

But the situation with your child does make you understand why so many people stay in unhappy marriages when there are younger children involved. The pain of having a stranger (a judge) and lawyers determine WHEN and HOW you can "visit" your own child is too much so people put it off and stay in the marriage until the kids are gone from the house. Then it's "cut and run". Still hurts, still a bad situation but easier in many ways. 

It's going to be tough but you'll get through it. You might want to engage in VERY little contact with your Ex except to arrange to pick up your child/drop her off and keep it cordial and polite as much as you can. You will survive and get through this but it WILL take time. Be patient and best of luck.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Shoo, yes it is a struggle, nobody expects it to be all rosy. Get it off your chest and just try to keep finding yourself. In my case my separation has worked out financially favorably, thanks to no-fault divorce in my jurisdiction as well as a W who was deluded in her oversights about her contributions. But emotionally I seethe when I choose to give any thought to her decisions and its affect on our child and me. But then, even though I don't call myself "christian" anymore, the serenity prayer always come to mind (the part about "grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.).


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Well, yesterday i picked my little girl up from daycare after school, and all this anger and resentment went away. MAN, sometimes I feel like a basketcase.
Probably sound like one on here too.
But I picked up some McD's and we headed home, did her homework, and I hooked up the xbox so we could watch some Charlie Brown dvd's per her request.
She mentioned a couple times that she liked the house. Really made me feel good. 
So today was the first day that I actually took her to daycare in the morning before school, and will be picking her up afterwards.. So far so good.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

shoo: It comes and goes especially when one is alone, then there is nothing to deflect the feelings. However, I am alone for 4 months and it is beginning to be deflected naturally. Yes, I get angry when I think that every penny that I earned paid the bills so he could pay his child support and HUGE alimony to prior wife. And then to see the smirk on his face that I had no resources other than to borrow from my brother and my IRA.

Yes, lovely people that we married who now view us as the enemy. You know why? Because we know their nasty little secrets that they wanted to hide because it tells them they're not as pure as they would like to believe: that is why.

I thank God every night for the gifts that I have received to survive and live through an ordeal I wouldn't wish on anyone.

You will get through this, just have to go through the feelings. Know that you are not alone, I have been there and am still there at times. Not as bad, though! Keep that in mind.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Shoo I am a paranoid person so please forgive me if I alarm you but I must say what I feel. If your EXW is making poor choices in men your daughter may not be safe. You wife does not seem to be vetting these men before trusting them around your child. This is no good. When she accepts these men in a trusted position, she has no idea of who are what they are. 

Even though you hate to do it, I think you need to get to the point that you can talk to your EXW and tell her what you feel is a safe way to handle dating with a young child in the home. Make it a policy that you will both follow for the safety of your child. Also talk to your daughter about personal bounderies. 

Make it a policy to allow you daughter to meet only people that are considered serious interest and only after the other parent has met. As your daughter get older, you have to protect her if her mother continues to be indiscriminate. 

Another thing too. This is difficult but for the sake of your daughter, could you work on forgiving your wife. It may help her self esteem and her ability to forgive herself and feel better to make better choices. That is a difficult one but may be worth a try. It is also good for you. You daughter's mother should be as emotionally healthy as possible and if there is anything you can do to get her there then you should try. I know you were the wronged party but this is your kid you have to think about. I think if you do this it may work out much of the anger that you feel. You will be doing this for your daughter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Shoo divorce sucks, the peripheral damage needs to be measured in years, you are still fresh into this so there is no reason NOT to feel pissed or hurt or practically any other emotion out there. Like you I hate any interaction with my ex, I find her repulsive, but...we have kids, so the "till death do you part" line from our marriage vows seems pretty binding. You must learn to approach your ex in a rational manner and be able to discuss issues relating to your daughter, keep the conversations on point and don't let your emotions gain control or let her bait you into an argument. I disagree with the "forgive" approach, but some sort of tolerance must be reached.

As for your daughter, she is too young to look at your home as boring or without amenities, that's your perspective creeping in. Make it fun for her, take her to Goodwill and let her buy some stuff for her room, let her pick some wild goofy colors and paint some walls, give her her own shelf in the fridge (when you get one!)she is young but old enough to be a part of making your new place into a home. 

What happened to your life sucks, many of us on this site have been there, focusing on the future helps heal the past, letting go of the past helps you focus on the future.


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