# ADVICE NEEDED: Newlywed Husband's secret emotional affair with co-worker



## naive2love (Mar 1, 2013)

About 3 months ago, my husband and I went to a holiday party in which he got really hammered. That night, while he was passed out, I went through his phone (i know not good) and saw that he had booked a hotel room for the week before during the work week. I asked him about this, and after many back-and-forth moments, he finally admitted that he was supposed to meet the co-worker at the hotel but she stood him up. Then he said he felt bad and wouldn't talk to her anymore. He went on to say how he wanted to make it right and learn how to be a better husband. We bought marital books, talked, increased communication - everything seemed to be back on track...

...until three days ago. He friended the same co-worker on Facebook. I immediately asked him about it, he denied it but then quickly changed his story after he realized he could not lie about this one. He unfriended her but for me it brought back all the bs from a few months ago. I confronted him about it, we argued, I tried to take his phone, and we wrestled (literally) back and forth over the phone until he reached out and choked me. I was/am horrified...

...eventually, I got the phone and realized he had been using a privacy app to "discreetly" hide all of her incoming calls, texts, picture messages, etc. for the past 3 months. I keep reading the texts over and over again. He explained it to me as that he and she had alot in common and that their friendship just kept growing and growing into something more. As I continued to read, I kept seeing her say stuff like "I want to make passionate love to you" or "how can you love two people at once" or "i don't know if i can do this, i shouldnt be messing with a married man". He would respond "I dream about you at night", "you look so beautiful today, lovely brown eyes", and "we can make this work, would you be willing to try?"...

...then he told her to "block my wife" on Facebook so that they could be friends, and then a few moments later told her that the Facebook was a bad idea and that I found out, etc... she called him and he told her that he could not have anything else to do with her. She simply responded ok and hung up...

...I just keep reading the texts and then I saw where she said she wishes that she had never let him kiss her.

...he says they never hooked up. And that he doesn't love her. He doesn't want me to go, and that he needs me, and needs me to stay. I'm afraid that when he goes to work today that he will rekindle. I'm afraid that if I stay, that he will just hurt me again. I'm worried that he doesn't love me like he did. It feels like we are just roommates some days. He said I'm too serious now. But that we can make it work if I would give him a chance.

...the things he said to her, I haven't heard him say to me since we were dating. He even sent her pictures of him from our bed! I keep thinking about it, over and over in my mind. I can't sleep or eat...

 I don't know what to do and am so confused: should i stay and try one last time? should i stay and try, but secretly make an exit plan? should i just cut my losses and leave? all of these make sense in my mind, and i can't choose. any light shed on the situation would be helpful...


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## BeenthereDunThat (Nov 27, 2012)

naive, first let me say I understand the pain you are in but try to stay strong. As far as you leaving you have it backwards -- he needs to leave not you. Take charge - read everything you can on TAM and be prepared for a rocky road ahead. Always remember he made the decision to cheat not you -- take no responsibility for his decision. Good luck


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## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

So sorry you are here, Naive...

I'll go ahead and be the first to tell you this, others will chime in I'm sure.

First, it is a physical affair. Steel yourself to that reality.

Cheaters lie and try to minimize what they have done. "it was only a kiss...", "I booked the hotel, but didn't follow through..." These register off the charts on the BS meter and if you read through the posts here are lies 99.9% of the time.

Second, if he is serious about reconciliation then he cannot work with her anymore, not one more day. 

You are right in that they will see each other and bond every day at work. You already know that your husband will just go further underground.

Again, so sorry you are here. Listen to the advice, it is your best chance.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Naive-----you are in the part of a mge, where everything is s'pose to be wonderful, the very early days---where you 2 are so deeply in love, that there is no one else IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD

What have we here, a H., that is already cheating---setting up hotel rooms, for sex-------

With him doing this now---THERE IS NO FUTURE FOR YOUR MGE----it all gets a lot tuffer down the line, when mge. becomes hard work, due to many, many reasons------if your H., is already out trying to "do" other women---what can he think of you his spouse, lets start with disrespect----you can take it anywhere you want from there.

This one is very simple---ANULMENT-----get it and be done with this guy----there are, depending on your population center---hundreds to thousands of decent guys---who will NOT cheat,-----there are guys who will value you, and want you

Get away from this POS, you call a H., and do it YESTERDAY---staying with him, will just give you a life of MISERY


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How long have you been married? Together?


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## naive2love (Mar 1, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> How long have you been married? Together?


Married 6 months, together over 2 years.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Imagine how much more difficult this will be if you had kids? With him going out and you staying in looking after them.

Leave him now and save yourself the heartache.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

naive2love said:


> Married 6 months, together over 2 years.


Well naive I think the above is your real answer. You need to be strong and get out of this marriage ASAP, or will live a life with a person you can never trust. For this to be happening after *ONLY 6 MONTHS OF MARRIAGE* is inexcusable !

Do you want to be back on this forum in 10 or 15 years saying how you just found out your husband is a serial cheater ? Your post will be something like : "Been married 12 years, 2 kids, forgave husband when we first got married for an affair, thought everything was OK, now find out he has had affairs all during our marriage"

Don't be that person. You deserve better. Good Luck !


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

N2L start here, take the time to really read it
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

figure out want you want to do for YOU, if you think you can try to rebuild this, he will have to leave his job, no way in hell he can continue working with her, you need to get tough and firm, stand your ground.


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## Manejadora (Feb 18, 2013)

What stands out to me is that he raised his hand to you; no woman should stay in a relationship with physical, not to mention mental, abuse. 

My first wife cheated on me 6-8 mos. into the marriage. It hurt, but forced me to divorce her and now I am very happy with a great wife and kids. I urge you to do the same.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

If he didn't cheat, it wasn't through lack of trying. You need counselling for couples + IC. You might be able to create a new marriage (he killed the last one) but only do this if you feel able.
Exposure might be a good idea.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Wow. If he's doing this now, it will only get worse.

Start divorce proceedings now and don't look back. He is NOT worth any more of your time.

And get STD tested.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Dear, he's done you a favor really. He's revealed to you that he is a cheater and prone to physical abuse, only 6 months into your marriage. You're young and no kids I assume, which gives you every opportunity to start a new life with someone who respects you and what commitment means. 

I agree with everyone else. If he will do this so early into your marriage, the chances he won't do it again when times get stressful, are miniscule. 

Cut your losses. It won't be easy, but easier now that later in life with kids and debt.

Keep posting for support and advice.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

"he reached out and choked me" - you should not even be on this message board. You should be at a divorce lawyer's office. 

Wake the "F" up...he has already physically assaulted you and cheated on you. The "Fat Lady" is singing. Listen up....


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

2 years sine you started dating, 6 months since the wedding and "you are now too serious".
Just imagine a couple of kids, bills piling up, resentments, boredom...
He read marriage books... pretending while underground, falling in love or at least roleplaying with this OW. 

He's just not marriage material. You got a lemon. I'm sorry.

You must go, run from him ASAP.


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## Kaci (Mar 11, 2013)

Are some women just stronger than others? I'm not mean or tough, but if this happened to me I wouldn't be sitting here on TAM. I'd already be gone and starting a new life.

I just don't get it.:scratchhead:


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

naive2love said:


> Married 6 months, together over 2 years.


Only married 6 months, and only together a couple years, and no kids ??

Get away from this garbage person NOW, or enjoy years of marital UNBLISS while he cheats on you !


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Spare yourself further heartache by divorcing asap

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Zombie thread. The poster last posted 1 March.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Agree... Start working on your exit strategy.


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