# advice... I want to make love but he doesn't want too.. :(



## mickeymean (Mar 5, 2012)

we've been together for almost a year now.. and this already 

He told me i'm being really angry lately.... because i was so embarrased about why i'm frequently upset.. It's sex.. we used to be so active.... I know about after we left the house for work will end up being tired for the day... but making love to him makes me feel confident, wanted, and feel so close to him everytime... it's not that i want it everyday but two weeks without it is a killer... we fight because he always wants me to sleep naked and play with my breast?? is that even right??? and he does that every night but no sexual intercourse??? i told him to stop because it's making me want more and it hurts my feelings that i want him and he was just playing... it's so horrible....

i know i have my flaws for being upset with him most of the time... but i can't fix it without fixing the source...

i asked him for a break... i don't know if a break for myself would help... he doesn't want me too... but i feel so bad for being mean to him but i feel bad for myself too... what should i do??????


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

mickeymean said:


> i know i have my flaws for being upset with him most of the time... but i can't fix it without fixing the source...


I know it sucks what he is doing to you and you have every right to be concerned as it is a red flag as to your sexless future.

It's hard to address this on a forum but it's a vicious cycle. He won't make love to you, you get angry which makes you LESS attractive, he wants you less, see where I'm going with this? I've been where you are and I can ASSURE you anger will get you nowhere. You are going to have to come at this from another direction. Another strategy per se. I highly suggest you first off stop with the whole sleeping naked and letting him play with you. Say no like he says no to you. Secondly you need to do a 180. Get happy, get a life, act as if you are moving on with or without him. This isn't a quick fix so be prepared for that.

You must absolutely stop nagging, stop chasing and focus on the only thing you have control over....YOU. I have no idea why he isn't interested in sex what I do know is he isn't interested in fixing it and THAT is a problem.

Go to mens clubhouse and read up on how to turn down the thermostat in your relationship. It's written for men but it works for women too in situations like this.


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## mickeymean (Mar 5, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I know it sucks what he is doing to you and you have every right to be concerned as it is a red flag as to your sexless future.
> 
> It's hard to address this on a forum but it's a vicious cycle. He won't make love to you, you get angry which makes you LESS attractive, he wants you less, see where I'm going with this? I've been where you are and I can ASSURE you anger will get you nowhere. You are going to have to come at this from another direction. Another strategy per se. I highly suggest you first off stop with the whole sleeping naked and letting him play with you. Say no like he says no to you. Secondly you need to do a 180. Get happy, get a life, act as if you are moving on with or without him. This isn't a quick fix so be prepared for that.
> 
> ...


thank you mavash...


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

I agree with mavasah. Once our switches are off, we're as stubborn, complicated and difficult creatures to reignite. It's like we become the stereotypical woman on her worst period with a raging case of PMS. 

In all seriousness, my situation is the mirrored opposite. My wife has been the cold one. I've been hurt by the lack of availability and getting shut down. It does drive people like "us" nuts when we are ramped up, then our spouse expects us to touch them or they touch us without things going from foreplay to fullblown sex. Frustration leads to hurt, hurt leads to anger, anger leads to a full blown case of the FU's. Being upset doesn't work. It hasn't for me. Trying to do extra (in my experience) doesn't work, it just makes you more frustrated that you did X, went the extra mile and needs remained unmet.

Until both reach a point where you're willing to tango together, its going to be like pulling a mule to water. My situation is still at the mule stage as far as I can tell, so obviously I haven't solved my problem yet either. I do know that the dynamic has to change, communication has to improve and that each person has to come to an understanding about the other person, their needs and how they feel. Then the fun begins in trying to unravel the knots that resemble Christmas lights thrown in the storage bin. 

The rules for each relationship are unique. There isn't a formula that is going to work for everyone or every situation. The bottom line is someone has to get off the mary-go-round with a purpose of reconnecting with your partner, even if it appears you're getting off and taking your toys and leaving. 

One or both of you may be trying it in your own way and it's just not working out. If both of you still want each other sexually and the switch isn't completely off, i think you stand a decent chance of finding a place to come together. If he understands how touching makes you feel, that its going to need to go somewhere because it makes you desire to be with him; hopefully he will understand then that rejecting you is hurtful (even though that's not what he thinks he's doing). I know my wife is just "tired" and insert other excuses here. I do understand that and I'm not forcing her to be a robot. She thinks I'd have sex with her every night or I'm not happy. I absolutely would because I love her and I love being with her. I'm realistic and don't expect that to happen. 

Having said that, I do think that 15 minutes or so of undivided attention and acceptance is not a lot to ask (in my situation) out of the 2440 minutes of a typical day. Surely sometime between when everyone gets home and you hit the pillow for the night, there must be 15 minutes that could be re prioritized. DVR the favorite show and skip the commercials. I am more important than watching it live. At least that's where my thoughts lie. I'm still fighting to get my wife to understand that and how rejection makes me feel. The only thing that has somewhat brought empathy is me turning the tables and rejecting her. I did it at first because I was more than livid and burning with anger after years of "no". I'm separated due to work and have been able to figure out what I need to do to move forward, partially by being here. If you need a couple days to figure out a plan, take that time. As much as my wife is going to think I'm continuing Operation Shutdown when I return, it will be different in that my real purpose will be to try to turn what I started into operation restart. It won't appear much different to her, but I'll be doing it with a plan instead of anger. At least I hope to have my anger under control by the time I go home. I don't know if that helps you or not. Good luck to you and don't give up.


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## rejectionhurts (Sep 21, 2012)

I'm going through the exact same thing, and I didn't think there was another woman on the planet who was going through this. In my case, my husband sleeps on the sofa and watches porn every night. I find these disgusting tissues everywhere, and I tell him he could at least remove the, um...evidence. Is there something wrong with me? No, I know there's not, I receive compliments from other men all the time. There is definitely something wrong with him, though. My biggest concern is I don't want my sons following in his footsteps. I'm going to follow the advice to say no to him (cuz he does cop feels every now and then), and stay my happy self and concentrate on being a good mom, friend, etc. I won't let it change who I am, it's not worth it. I know being in a sexless marriage is a drag, though, and it's not the way it's supposed to be.


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