# Need some advise on this one badly plzzzz



## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Ok some of you may seen some of my posts lately and commented even, Now i just got off the phone with the wife about 30 minutes ago had to take a few to calm down and think for a minute cause of the conversation.. Kinda went like this in short she was messing with the furnace and it seems to be acting up i asked if she needed help she said you couldnt do it last year when i asked which is not true but in her mind it is, we paid 1000 a month to her father to live in that house on rent he was suppose to fix it for the last 3 years and hasnt yet so its always been funny in the cold months. Well i said ok can we please get out of the past im concerned and just asking if you need some help with it, that started her in on money..

Now at the beggining she wanted no help from me said she wanted to do everything on her own so please keep that in mind. so i have been helping with just the kids needs diapers food cloths for winter ext , and not giving her cash for bills since she said one she wanted to do it on her own and every time i have asked she said she was fine , now suddenly tonight she said i shouldnt have to ask i was like ok well how am i to no if you dont tell me ? she goes i shouldnt need to you could be just giving me a 100 or something each week i was like ok no problem i just hope it goes for what you need and such and i will make sure you get it then, then the furnace acted up again on the same phone call she was getting aggrovated and i said you want me to come look at it she said no i can handle it i was like ok not trying to make you mad she said Im going to get off the phone with you now before i get mad at you......

Now also this is a women that is telling me there is no hope of working things out and is being very stubborn about things and all i have done is try to help and change who i use to be while playing a online game now that i have she almost seems like she resents the changes but says she likes the new me but dont trust it and wont give it a chance either, yet she keeps flowers and such i send her and things like that as well , shows signs that she is confused and still thinking about things yet is set atleast verbally when talking to me about it on her choice but at the same time she is saying i should be giving her money to help and i should just no that she shouldnt have to ask or let me no what she needs.. 

Should i be helping her more since i do want to try to work things out and i mean more by not just what the kids need but on bills and such when i have no value in the place and she originally said she wanted to do everything on her own and because i was lost in that game for so long she felt like she was anyways that it wasnt no different with the exception she didnt have to work as much and she didnt have to stress as much on bills and i was still giving her my hole paycheck back then more or less which wasnt much cause it was unemployment at the time now i start a good paying job this upcoming week and wont have any problems with giving her money but not sure if i should either or if it will help with trying to work things out with her or not. And im thinking of giving her a letter in regards to helping and working things out in a way but on her terms and such as well .. what is your thoughts on this and PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ADVISE ON THIS I DONT WANT MY KIDS OR HER TO SUFFER YET I DONT WANT TO HANG MYSELF OUT TO DRY EITHER.. i have seen so many posts where the person wants the other back after months of waiting and i would want that too but sooner would be better then later and i am trying to keep peace but no matter what i have done she seems to hate it, i made solid changes for life she resents it , i help her with the things around the yard she gets upset most the time , i try to help her with bills and things she gets upset but now acts like i should have been even when she said she didnt want it ..... IM LOST RIGHT NOW ON THIS IS THIS NORMAL OR WHAT??


----------



## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Cant anyone give a little bit of there thoughts on this or what ?? please looking for some thoughts on this cause its got my head just spinning now and i have been trying to help her and now she suddenly says i should have been when she refused it when i kept and kept and kept offering it ?? please


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

what i gathered from your post is that you are living separately from your wife, who seems to be sending you mixed signals about whether she wants to work on the marriage, and on how much she wants you to help out financially. Your question is, should you help out more financially. And my question to you is, if you never get back with your wife, will you resent sending her more money? If the answer is yes, then dont pay more. If its no, then do it. 

Personally, if you are sending money to take care of the kids then i think you are doing what you should. especially if it was her idea to leave in the first place. If she wanted to be on her own, she got it and she better take responsibility for her actions. If she wants to be with you and have the advantage of a joint account then she needs to make up her mind. If she's not going to be physically and emotionally present and work on the marriage then, IMO, she doesnt get the benefits that come with that. If she wants to be on her own, then she's got it. Your responsibility is to help with the kids.


----------



## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Ok i have been helping with the kids needs as much as i can its mostly guess work since i ask and she says she has it all undercontrol then i ask if she needs help with bills get the same answer, this sunday she will be at my familys get together for the holidays atleast if she lives up to it anyways. but tonight she after telling me all this said she shouldnt have to ask or tell me i should have just known and did it which i did no that there was a strong chance she couldnt do it all alone like she wanted to and that is why i kept pushing the help issue on her but she gets mad when i do anything , i made the changes she wants and she sees them but resents them now i buy the kids things they need she seems upset about it i get her things she gets mad yet keeps them i do yard work when she is gone again she gets mad about it dont say a thing to me either way, no matter what i do its not right in her mind it seems , she didnt want my help said she wanted to do it alone and now she is upset that i let her do it that way ?? And no i wouldnt at this time resent giving her money for bills and such only issue im having is she even going to try to work things out if i am cause she is saying we are done yet hasnt filed due to money i think.. but i do my part with the kids and more over the last 2 and a half months i probably put into her hands roughly 1500 just in exspenses for the kids and bills and such cause at first being kicked out i didnt even act like anything changed other then she was mad and i was kicked out , but i also have spent roughly 1500 on her and the kids on toys and gifts as well and now she wants or says i should be and or should have been helping the hole time when she isnt being at all willing to talk or consider working things out no more at first she did but i pushed so much i think it made her madder at me and she got fed up with it and said hell with it im done done done , not to mention she still dont want to trust these changes are for life and one wasnt that hard it was getting rid of a game called world of warcraft that i was seriously addicted to 12-14 hours a day sometimes but i just did what i thought was best and gave the game to a 14 year old boy cant even look at video games without feeling seriously emotionally sick now .. imagine that when your 4 year old son loves them and plays on your 4grand gaming PC for kids games and you still feel that way sometimes.. i really dont no what to think but im thinking on what you said here and i no im going to just give her money but at the same time im not trying to hand her money to speed this up id like all the time possible for her to reconsider and see for herself this is different and things can and would be a lot lot better for us all exspecially our kids who want me home everytime they see me and say so right in front of her a lot of the time and she acts like it dont even phase her , i might have gotten lost in that game for a long time but one thing in 10 years i can say is this man has never strayed or been unloyal to her in anyway and always willing to do anything it took to keep the family happy and always will but sometimes i just need to be told bluntly something she dont do often she likes to bottle up and not tell me things till she explodes like she did sept 18th at 3:33pm and kicked me out 8 days after our aniversary of 7 years......


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

beninneedofhelp said:


> i made the changes she wants and she sees them but resents them now


she doesnt resent the changes you are making. While you were comatose with your video games her heart was slowly breaking and she was building a lot of resentment. She's still living with that and its coming out now. all those years she bottled up what she wanted to tell you. She wanted you to care. She waited for you to care. Now you will listen. do you get it? all those years she wanted to talk to you, tell you how she was feeling, and you ignored her. She wants to tell you now but she's hurt so it comes out as anger and defensive. She wants to tell you, but she hates you, but at the same time she still wants you to show her you love her. But she will not accept your love because you hurt her so much. That is why no matter what you do, it'll never be enough. but you'll listen so she wants to make you pay for what you did to her. So while all you see is that you have changed, all she see's is she finally has the chance to tell you how she felt. You finally care enough for her to get all this off her chest. Unfortunately its probably built up into bitter vengefulness. 

think of it this way- every time she gets mad at you, no matter what she says it is, what she is really mad at is all those years of feeling unloved and abandoned. so you do the dishes and she gets mad. you clean the yard and she gets mad. you give money and she gets mad. She is NOT mad about the money, the yard, the dishes. She is angry about you breaking her heart. that is why no matter what you do she will be mad. Because her heart is broken. The dishes will not mend her heart, working in the yard will not mend her heart, and no amount of money you send can ever heal the damage. It doesnt matter if you are different now because you have not made amends for your past. she's going to make you pay for your past. so no matter what you do now, she will not be happy, and its not because she resents the changes, but because she resents what you put her through for all those years. She will want to get even with you. She'll want you to suffer the way you made her suffer. Its just the way it is. 

so its not her mind she wants you to read, she wants you to love her, but at the same time, she wont accept your love. After all, she accepted your love the first time and look where it got her. Can you blame her?


----------

