# Barely hanging on



## Mamá.de.dos (Jan 9, 2021)

My husband and I have been growing through an extremely rough patch the past 2 years of our marriage. The first, essentially, of our marriage. We've seen a marriage counselor, only went to three sessions, and we both do counseling on our own currently. He has told me recently that he has no feelings for me. An I love you but not in love with you type of moment. We have been together since 2006 and married since 2012. We're both 33 and we have a 6 year old girl and a 4 year old son together. 

He mentioned divorce but we've decide, together, that him moving out temporarily is what we need to do first. Since covid, we have been working from home and in each other's space all the time. It has put an even bigger strain on an already strenuous situation. 

I'm a bit lost on my end. I will say that I have definitely put his feelings, wants and needs before my own for some time. I'm still in love with him and can't help but feel resentment towards him because this is the worse our marriage has ever gotten and he wants to "bow" out, for lack of a better word or phrase. I don't want to give up on our relationship but how long do I keep trying until I finally accept that it's over? I'm the type of person that give my entire being in a relationship.

is anyone else going through something similar? I know I can't be alone here, at least I hope not.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Could there be someone else?


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## Mamá.de.dos (Jan 9, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Could there be someone else?


He says that there isn't and I honestly believe him. Considering everything that we've gone through the last two years and the events that that transpired, I know he is telling the truth.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mamá.de.dos said:


> He says that there isn't and I honestly believe him. Considering everything that we've gone through the last two years and the events that that transpired, I know he is telling the truth.


In my expereince separating rarely helps unless the couple are working through counselling or whatever to improve things. Its also hard for the children if one parent leaves. What does he hope to achieve by leaving?


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## Mamá.de.dos (Jan 9, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> In my expereince separating rarely helps unless the couple are working through counselling or whatever to improve things. Its also hard for the children if one parent leaves. What does he hope to achieve by leaving?


You know what, I never really even thought about asking that! I appreciate you saying that. I've been so caught up in my feelings to even really focus.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mamá.de.dos said:


> You know what, I never really even thought about asking that! I appreciate you saying that. I've been so caught up in my feelings to even really focus.


Its worth finding out what is in his mind. Does he see it a break before he returns or as a step to divorce? .


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## Mamá.de.dos (Jan 9, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Its worth finding out what is in his mind. Does he see it a break before he returns or as a step to divorce? .


O think we both are just aware that divorce is a possibility. I would say perhaps more likely on his end than mine.


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

I feel for what you're going through. 

You don't have to go into tons of detail, but it might help to give a little bit about what has been causing the rough patch. It sounds like more than a rough patch, if he says he doesn't love you any more. Do you think he's just fried with being together 24/7 due to the lockdown garbage, or is there other stuff?

Does trying to talk always turn into a fight? Many times, people would rather "win" the argument than really listen and address the problem(s). I think it's Dr. Phil that said, 'Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?' There is a lot of great advice online for finding better ways to talk (and listen). Good luck.


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## Mamá.de.dos (Jan 9, 2021)

So Married said:


> I feel for what you're going through.
> 
> You don't have to go into tons of detail, but it might help to give a little bit about what has been causing the rough patch. It sounds like more than a rough patch, if he says he doesn't love you any more. Do you think he's just fried with being together 24/7 due to the lockdown garbage, or is there other stuff?
> 
> Does trying to talk always turn into a fight? Many times, people would rather "win" the argument than really listen and address the problem(s). I think it's Dr. Phil that said, 'Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?' There is a lot of great advice online for finding better ways to talk (and listen). Good luck.


We do talk about our feelings and fears and thoughts often. We don't always argue. After we talk i feel better after. I think this lockdown has had a tremendous roll in the rough patch. 

I personally what to be happy and will do what I can to do so. I will never force someone who doesn't want to be together to be together. I just want to make sure every avenue is explored before giving up because I also do not give up easily.


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

It seems unusual for him to still be open, and even vulnerable, with you yet have one foot out the door. How is he with the kids?

In my experience, separations don't usually end with a saved marriage. I get that you don't want to make him stay if that's not what he wants, but does he even know what he wants? I recently read that many people who are unhappy with marriage aren't any happier after divorce. Perhaps, because they can leave their spouse/family but cannot leave themselves. He may need to dig deep and figure out what his real issue(s) is.

He also can't rely on you for all his happiness. A lot of people marry with unrealistic expectations, but it's impossible for one person to be everything to another. He needs to make himself happy.

I wouldn't give up easily either - this is your family. I'd try reading about ways to save your marriage when you're spouse wants out. Good luck.


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## Mamá.de.dos (Jan 9, 2021)

So Married said:


> It seems unusual for him to still be open, and even vulnerable, with you yet have one foot out the door. How is he with the kids?
> 
> In my experience, separations don't usually end with a saved marriage. I get that you don't want to make him stay if that's not what he wants, but does he even know what he wants? I recently read that many people who are unhappy with marriage aren't any happier after divorce. Perhaps, because they can leave their spouse/family but cannot leave themselves. He may need to dig deep and figure out what his real issue(s) is.
> 
> ...


He's wonderful with the kids. He does say things like oh with this we could do this and that. So those types of comments makes me think that he thinks of a future together but also not together. It's very confusing.


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

Yeah, not knowing sucks. 

I asked because it sounds like he might feel "trapped," which is likely due to lockdown, yet he seems to be blaming it all on you. I hate that he's doing that, but I'm glad he isn't doing it to the kids as well.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Listen guys don't just fall out of love and want to move out of the marital home? Men don't need to
"find themselves" look like for a higher purpose or any of that other crap that women do (not trying to be sexist or mean, I'm trying to get to the bottom of this and help) If a man is saying he doesn't love you and doesn't want to live with you and is willing to consider losing access to his children and paying child support for at least 14 more years - it is for a damn reason. And it is for a nuts-and-bolts reason and not some "find myself " reason. 

What is that reason???

Either you know and are trying to skirt the issue with us, Or you really don't know but you should. 

Has he fallen in love with someone else and the other woman is pressuring him to leave to be with her?

Is he gay and wants to get with other dudes?

Have you put on 100lbs and stopped showering and brushing your teeth since the shut down?

Have you cheated or hooked up with other guy (or woman for that matter)

Have you chronically rejected him sexually for the past 5 years since you got pregnant with your last child?

Have you become a drunken alcoholic/drug addict and are falling down drunk all the time?

Are you addicted to credit cards and have run up 100s of thousands of dollars in debt that he is now responsible for? 

Have you turned into a nagging, manipulative and disrespected harpy that is riding his arse and complaining about everything and complaining about him to all of your friends and family all the time?

Which reason(s) apply here because those are the reasons that men fall out of love with their wives and do not want to live with them and their minor children any more.


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## Sukisue1234 (Jan 17, 2018)

Has he been dealing with grief from a death in his family ? Sometimes that is such a heavy burden it can make someone feel like life is so short and that they are missing something. If it's not any of those other things then I would say that he is trying to get something back in his self that's missing, I hope the best for your family . Hate to see a family in so much trauma,, praying for you all.


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## Mamá.de.dos (Jan 9, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Listen guys don't just fall out of love and want to move out of the marital home? Men don't need to
> "find themselves" look like for a higher purpose or any of that other crap that women do (not trying to be sexist or mean, I'm trying to get to the bottom of this and help) If a man is saying he doesn't love you and doesn't want to live with you and is willing to consider losing access to his children and paying child support for at least 14 more years - it is for a damn reason. And it is for a nuts-and-bolts reason and not some "find myself " reason.
> 
> What is that reason???
> ...


He had fallen on love with another person, which I think he is still holding onto a bit. He's been to therapy about it and he now says that he never wants to see or talk to her again. She is a very manipulative person and is unhappy in her life as well. O believe she made him believe in something that didn't exist and as I stated, is probably holding onto that.

Out of everything you mentioned that's the only one that fits.

Thanks.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My guess would be that he separated to see how life is in the dating world these days. People rarely separate to really try to work things out. More often than not they use that time to date someone else. Maybe he’s trying to restart with her or he’s trying to find someone to replace her. Who knows. But none of this benefits you. Start making plans for a life without him and you’ll be ahead of the game.


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## Mamá.de.dos (Jan 9, 2021)

Openminded said:


> My guess would be that he separated to see how life is in the dating world these days. People rarely separate to really try to work things out. More often than not they use that time to date someone else. Maybe he’s trying to restart with her or he’s trying to find someone to replace her. Who knows. But none of this benefits you. Start making plans for a life without him and you’ll be ahead of the game.


That's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to accept the fact that we more than likely won't be together after this. As I stated before, I'm not on board with the decision but I won't deny him his freedom. If he feels the need to leave this family dynamic, not saying he'd abandon his kids, then that's fine. I have to learn how to life my life for myself and my kids and be happy without him.


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

Mamá.de.dos said:


> He had fallen on love with another person, which I think he is still holding onto a bit.


That changes everything, IMO. Sorry to hear it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Sorry. He gave you the ILYBINILWY speech, and he wants to separate. Feels distant, yada yada.

old shirt is correct.
What you think you know about the OW, you likely don’t. You oknow what he’s told you which is a bunch of bald-faced lies.

Divorce and move on. Only thing to do here.


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