# I think I'm being dumped...slowly...



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I met my GF almost 5 years ago and we hit it off very well! We both had asked each other to marry us and we'd both agreed. Later, she decided not to due to reasons I understood (free state insurance, medical, etc. due to disability) and supported. 

A couple of years ago we both made a couple of mistakes (1 each). Her daughter had some very strong feelings and made sure her mom (my GF) knew it. Even to the point of threatening to withhold her kids from their grandma. 

After our mistakes, we continued to see each other since we were the only ones we could talk to about things. We learned and grew past these things still continuing to love each other. We could talk about anything at any time. In bed, in the living room, in the car...whatever. We so much fit each other in every way. 

Afther being blackmailed by her daughter, I was her little secret. We were getting better (I thought) and moving along well. She is selling her house and has to decide where to live after it does sell. Her mother's house...relatively rent free or my apartment where I can afford the entire rent. 

Last December, she started to withdraw. Not seeing me very much but still calling me in the morning and evenings. I noticed, but didn't know why. 

Finally after writing her a letter and delivering it to her mother intended for her, she called me (while I was on the road) and we talked for almost an hour. 

We have never had a Valentine's day together. This past one was shot to hell. And I didn't know why. I scraped every penny I could (read further) to buy her a card...nothing. I threw it in the trash. What did I need it for? 

She is trying to "figure out" how everyone can be happy. She's still living in fear of her daughter's blackmail threat. I have never (and never would) asked (let alone demand) that she choose me over her g'kids. I know better. 

I told her a couple of years ago that I would fight for her (determination, not with fists!). Right now, I feel that she's not willing to fight for us. She's abandoning us/me through her fear. 

I told her that she couldn't make any decision (about us) until she talked to her daughter to see where she stands on us. My GF hasn't done that. She's afraid to bring it up for fear of a flat out stance (by her daughter). I told her that I wouldn't be the one to say "the words"; she'd have to do it. 

Either she doesn't want to say it and wants to drive me to saying them or she's still thinking. I just don't know. But it WON'T be me who says it! 

All I know is that it hurts very much and it's frustrating as hell. I can barely eat or sleep. I feel like I'm living on pure adrenaline (and the couple fingers of rum don't hurt either!!). I love her very much and I fear this strain may be irreparable. I'm certainly willing, but she doesn't seem to be. 

In the mornings I'm "ok", but as the day progresses, I can feel my heart racing. My hands begin to shake. When I get home, a drink or two starts to calm me down (maybe by deadening my mind). I'm not drunk when I go to sleep, but I'm definately "in a good mood". The next day, it starts all over again. Only if I have something to do all day is my mind off of it all. 

Yesterday, we saw each other after almost 3 days of no contact and when she saw me, she smiled. I felt great. When I went to kiss her, she turned her cheek towards me. But I took what I could get. 

That night she did call me and we talked well...but not well...you know? I was glad to hear her voice but there was nothing substantive. 

Today was extremely busy at work. No more than 30 seconds of getting off the phone I got another call (I work tech support) and was following at least 4 different problems. And the BIG boss wanted to prep a demo to take on the road. Busy, busy, busy. At least I had no time to "think". I was so busy at work that when I got to tanning (later than usual, but not late for the appointment), I had just missed seeing my GF by not more than a minute! 

On top of all that...I've been on short hours (due to the economy, they say) and on my way in there was a LOT of police cruisers. I heard later there was a murder/suicide about a block down the street from where I work! 

One more stress factor -- back in 2000/2001 I messed up my taxes. After repeated letters to the IRS, I got no explanation for my mistake. I owed them $8K+ and my paycheck was (is) being garnished. The amount I'm allowed to take home is $20 less than my rent! My GF was helping me, but all absolutely unnecessary expenses have been cut out. Every single one. Including heat in my apartment after a killer bill in January (I can add a blanket as needed ). I had to call the electric company to arrange payments, it was so high -- and I thought I WAS being frugal - only running the heat in the mornings when I awoke and in the evenings just before I went to bed. I won't even run the oven now! 

I owe her (and will repay with interest!) the amount. But it's just one more thing. My garnishment is due to end with this week's paycheck. 

I'm sorry this is so long, people. I just feel a need to get some of this off of my chest some way. If I thought I could "fix this" I definately would! But I just don't know what to do any more. 

I tried to shut down my feelings so I wouldn't hurt so much, but her phone call reopened my heart. And it still hurts. And I can't shut it down again, dammit!


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Ok, here's an update. She came over tonight. We chit-chatted for a couple of hours. ONLY when I walked her to her car did she say she came over to say "goodbye". We talked a few minutes and then I walked back to my apartment. She still wouldn't say "the words"! I never will. 

What she did was **** someone else while ****ing me. What I did was to try my brothers method...suicide. Her daughter found my brother afterwards. They were close and she didn't want her mother to have to deal with all of that. 

And she still lives in fear of losing contact with her g'kids! So, she's blowing me off...She won't fight for us. She won't fight for a life together. She's made her decision, but won't say it (yet). 

I want her so much, but she can't have me (for her daughter's sake and the g'kids). That's BS. I never asked her to choose but she lives in fear of her daughterl. I can't win. 

I would so like to just give up, but I can't. It does hurt tremendously. I don't know any more...I (almost) don't care any more, about anything....

****, this hurts! I will never forgive her daughter. Not unless she can find it in herself to be happy for us. And my (almost ex) GF thinks that won't happen.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

wow dcrim I am so sorry for what you are going through. Im sorry i dont have much else to offer you, just my sympathies. 

you may have mentioned it and i just didnt pick it up, but why does her daughter not like you? Is it because of what happened with your brother?


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Not because of my brother's suicide...but that I tried the same thing and for the same reason. 

I now believe that she's lying again. 

Earlier she said she was afraid of losing her g’kids. Last night she came to visit making it sound like she was hiding out from her home phone. We chit-chatted about things, nothing consequential. 

Only as I walked her to her car did she say “I came over to say goodbye” – but she didn’t actually say that. 

Then she said that she hadn’t talked to her daughter. One of these two lines is a lie. 

Now, I believe she been lying for the past 2 months (coincidentally the same time “she gave up drinking” as she said when I offered her a drink last night!). She made up her mind a long time ago and used the story of her g’kids as a cover. Once more, I feel foolish. 

Even now, when she told me her intentions, she still couldn’t/wouldn’t say it. Damn, I’m getting numb.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

geeze im sorry dcrim. i really hate it when the ones that are supposed to love us lie. i dont understand why its so hard just to be honest.


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Update -- we talked today (this morning; I'm on short hours and didn't have to go in until 1). The problem IS still her daughter. From some of the things she'd said I deduced that she had been with someone else. And she's facing the loss of her state funding (disability) with which she makes her house payment. She does have someone else interested in her and said that if she could love him, she'd marry him (for the money). A little cold, but, again, only if she could love him. At least I think I'm being told the truth now. 

I'm trying to hold on to her. She doesn't want to let go and begged ME to break us off. I told her I'd never do that! I still believe there's hope although she doesn't think so. So I'll continue to hold on until she says it's done. We were (and are) so much to each other. I will fight to keep us together.


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Thanks, Mommy. (gee, that sure sounds strange to say  )

I'm willing to give her the time and space to make up her mind. I'm not willing to give her up by breaking up. 

Yesterday's chat she said that she wants me to let her go so she wouldn't be thought of as a cheater again. Her date for last night was cancelled. She just didn't feel like going. 

She called me while I was talking to her mother to say she didn't want to talk to me right now, she was too upset. I didn't expect her mother to help, but I wanted her to know the strain and stress my GF is going through. 

My GF did call three times later in the evening. On one call she said she'd call periodically to show that she was at home (via caller id). I told her she didn't have to do that. So we talked a few minutes each time until the last one where she said she was going to bed and asked for me to say "her words"; I told her "good night, sweatheart. I love you" like I've always done. 

Even her mother said that kids should not be running their parents lives. My GF's daughter has never been in the real world. She went from high school to marriage, kids and college. She's a substitute teacher a couple of days a week. It was her desire for (more) kids (which she can't have) and she got her husband to agree to being foster parents. Now they have care of 4 more than their 2. And you know she can't spend enough (quality) time with her own. 

By the time her daughter (ever) figures out what she's done to us, we'll both likely be dead. My GF's mother said that's probably true.  

I know she still loves me because she can't break up...sigh...


----------



## justean (May 28, 2008)

perhaps just give her a little time and space. 
not easy and most of us who have been there know it. 
but be patient and keep impartial when it comes to her family.
try and make it just you and her for a while.
you stil seem have more pluses on your side than negatives in this relationship, so just bide your time.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

dcrim said:


> She does have someone else interested in her and said that if she could love him, she'd marry him *(for the money)*. A little cold, but, again, only if she could love him. At least I think I'm being told the truth now.


Ahemmm My red light is flashing. you're better than this.

Aren't you?


----------



## Junebug (Dec 7, 2008)

At least take heart in the fact that you have all of us here to support you. For all your words of widsom and care to all of us, we will be here for you to share with. You add so much to this forum and you are certainly in the right place to share your pain, and get some support.

We all want what's best for you!!


----------

