# Struggling With BAD Feelings...



## LisaDiane

So...I've been trying to formulate this post for days, since one of my sisters called me crying several mornings ago...and while I was able to handle HER emotions, I am REALLY struggling to handle my own now...so I am desperately needing dear @Affaircare and @Emerging Buddhist (and anyone else), to give me some guidance with how to process my feelings about this...

This was NOT the sister who cheated or anything like that. This is something completely different...and much worse...

When I was 17yrs old, a 16yr old drunk driver going 75mph on the wrong side of the road plowed into the car my 30yr old aunt was riding in, and killed her. The instantaneous effect was that the family I had known and had my heart anchored to had a bomb dropped into it and ceased to exist. Literally, I went to bed that night in one life, and woke up in the morning (to that terrible phone call) in a totally different one.

It was my mother's little sister who was killed, and my mother, her parents and my other aunt basically died that day as well. I am the oldest child in our family, and even though my other siblings were all quite young (5-15yrs), they still all really struggled with the loss over the years. My mom, who was never an emotionally supportive mom to begin with, became completely self-absorbed in her pain, and we basically had NO mother after that.

The kid who was drunk and killed her wasn't even old enough to have his license, and riding in HIS car with him were two of HIS older brothers (one of whom also died), and their friend, who died as well. So, THREE dead. Supposedly, the three drunk older boys thought it would be fun to have their underage little brother get drunk and drive for a little while at 1:30am, hurtling the wrong way around a corner on a town road. Whatever. The state stepped in after the accident when he was sent to be "reformed", with all kinds of help and assistance...so on his life went. 

And on we all went. Life goes on, we all did the best we could do, and moved on in our new realities, like everyone who has ever gone through loss like that. More painful deaths came over the years, but none like the first - my aunt's death was the only one that was perpetrated AGAINST HER and us all, although I do blame her death for the cause of my Nana's liver cancer and death 5 years later...she never got over her bitterness at the loss of her daughter.

We've never talked about him much. We talked about HER. Still...the knowledge that he's out there, alive, LIVING...can be a burden at times. But I am a master at "letting go" - not with my heart - my heart holds onto everything - but my mind and my emotions can drop things with frightening ease, and I do it with acceptance of things "the way they really are", which makes it better for me because I don't waste time longing for things that I cannot have. However, NOT WITH THIS. The only way I can pretend that I've let this go is by refusing to think of it. Because there's NO way to deal with it. He's alive and she's dead. HE took her away and tore apart my happy little family, yet he gets to go on and on and on with his life. Just never think of it, it's the only way. And it's been working great for over TWO decades. I thought I had "forgiven" him, even. Until this past weekend when my sister called.

She called crying because she had looked him up on Facebook - add another reason to the list of why I hate stupid, ever-annoying, pain-causing Facebook - and it hit her like a 2x4 in the stomach that he was a real person. But I did what I always do with my siblings about everything - I soothed her, I fixed her, I said all the right things, I guided her out of the emotional minefield she dropped herself into, and it barely touched me - I even believed what I was saying to her...until we hung up. And then this overpowering RAGE took over that got a grip around my throat and actually choked me for a second. I don't know if it's burning SO hot because I've kept it stuffed down in the corner of my heart for so long or what, but it overcame all my typical methods of dealing with it, and it's become almost like a caged monster in me.

I think my problem is that she reminded me that he is actually a man who is 50 now, and he's lived ALL this time...and I now HATE that man. I HATE him...I wish he was dead...and even worse for me to feel - and I'm SO ASHAMED to admit this (and this is why I'm writing at all for help with it!) - if a train were coming, I think I might be willing to push him in front of it...and I don't think I'd feel any remorse about it at all. This is an alarming feeling for me, as someone who always has to gently guide spiders or wasps out of the house because I can't bear to kill them.

Remember one of my older threads about my cheating sister, and how it was pointed out that I might still be angry at her, and I couldn't see it...? NOT HERE -- I see it clear as day - I HATE HIM with a purity that is crystal and sharp and sparkling - and I've discovered that I am actually clinging to it with a raw, untamed part of me that not only refuses to be reasoned with, but it doesn't even speak the language that I'm trying to use when doing the reasoning. I don't think there is a danger of it consuming me, because it's pretty well contained in this one area - drunken murderer of my beloved family - but I am feeding it, I am petting it, I am treating it like a welcome guest residing in my heart...and this is NOT like me at all!!! 

I am the supreme non-judgemental "understand-er" of feelings and emotions, which is why my sister called me in the first place. I rationalize weakness in others and can understand it and accept it and move on. I'm never bitter or enraged. I can DETACH. My strength is in releasing things (or feelings) that aren't right for me or don't serve me, things I cannot have...but not with this...!!! Something inside me is clinging to this in a way that I wouldn't even hang on to the love I felt for my ex-husbands, the two men who meant everything to me at one time!! Is my hate more powerful than my love...?? THAT isn't right, THAT isn't the kind of person I want to be!!!!

So today is the fourth day I've been in a fog of anger and hatred, trying everything in my emotional arsenal to wrest control of my thoughts and feelings back from this demon-hatred that refuses to be banished -- he was just a kid, he had a terrible family (he did), he didn't mean it, he lost his brother too, maybe he feels regret and shame, I'm only poisoning myself, blah blah BLAH BLAH. 

The anniversary of her death just passed as well, and this whole situation has made that harder to deal with, so for the first time in over 10 years I've been feeling acute pain over her loss...when I'm not seething with anger. 

The irony is that me carrying this in my heart is hurting others too -- my whole mood has changed, and everyone I interact with is affected by that. I don't even recognize myself!!! I'm NEVER in a dark mood like this, I usually feel happy and laugh and enjoy whatever I do each day, but now I feel like everything that normally makes me happy is tainted by poison...I guess because it actually is. There is NO fun in anything I have done in the past few days like there normally is - and anytime I laugh or feel momentary happiness, it only lasts a few seconds until it's swept aside and replaced by the lurking blackness I can't shake off. I am wasting opportunities to experience precious JOY, which has been in short supply around here lately!!

I just want to go back to pretending he doesn't exist and have that work like it always has...but it just won't!

HOW do I defeat this...?? What do I do? HELP...


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## Luckylucky

Shutting down any feelings isn’t good, and we’re conditioned to think anger sadness jealousy etc are BAD. 

They’re not bad and they have their place. And this was going to eventually come out, so let it! You can’t be bouncing off walls happy or pleasant or grateful either all the time. 

Happy feelings go away too. It might not feel like it now, but this really will subside one day. 

I hate that life is unfair. Life really is unfair and bad things happen to good people all the time. 

Is his life good now? Maybe, maybe not. Is there ever any closure? Probably not. It it fair, hell no. Are you feeling rage now? Yes. This is the only certain thing right now, you’re very angry and listen to that anger and let it happen. Process everything that comes with it.


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## ConanHub

This one is too close to home for me. I'm sorry you are hurting. I do think you need someone to listen to you for a change and be your support.

You have just as much right to be hurting as anyone else.

Giving hugs as much as the internet allows.💓


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## ccpowerslave

I don’t have any helpful words but I am rooting for you and your family to find peace.


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## Affaircare

@LisaDiane 

I wanted to let you know that I’ve read your post and I’m thinking about it before I reply.


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## Affaircare

@LisaDiane, 

I am going to go to bed and think on this much more fully, but I didn't want to leave you with nothing. I actually do have two thoughts I'd like to share before I go to bed:

#1 Thoughts and feelings that are shut down (aka "pretending he doesn't exist") don't actually resolve. They just sit and fester until they are dealt with, felt fully, and faced head-on. "Pretending he doesn't exist" doesn't make him non-existent. Yes, he got to live on and on when your aunt didn't, and your whole family--especially her mother and sister (your mom) LOST IT. You suffered, while he got to live. I'm sure his life was no picnic, but he's still able to breathe, and is still breathing. The truth of the matter is that you don't "let this go" in the usual sense of just stuffing it in a box--this sense of loss and suffering and pain and anger and hurt was not dealt with at the time, and so it was just "put off." 

When a wound is deep and it's not dealt with, it festers and becomes infected and eventually turns to gangrene. If the gangrene is bad enough, the limb that had the wound may be lost! That is what has happened (is happening) to your heart. You had a DEEP wound. You didn't address that wound and just let it become infected. You aren't the kind of person who finds an infected heart "acceptable" to your own self so you didn't address the infection, and now it's gangrene. It is not going to get better by ignoring it. So I would very respectfully suggest that you seek out trusted counseling to fully face, experience, and address this head on. It will feel worse before it feels better. You'll think "I came here to feel better and I feel worse! I'm quitting!" And I not only encourage you, but I'll walk with you on this journey as your friend to lean on as you continue the counseling. But in real life, the more you put it off, the sicker your heart will become. To resolve this, you are going to have to face your demon.

#2 When I lost my Dear Hubby, we had known he was ill and he wouldn't be long for this world, but we thought we had maybe a decade to go...not hours. The death of a dearly loved one changes a person, and the family who loved them, forever, because it's different now--the loved one is no longer with us. BUT in that loss, we--the ones who remain--get to make the decision whether we will live in sackcloth and ashes and spend the rest of our days holding onto a past we'll never get back...or if we will live in the new sunrise and new birdsong and new grandchildren and (miracle of miracles) new love and joy in a future we can't yet imagine. 

If you choose, you can go through what remains of your life clinging to the past. Change is hard, and this change was a HORRIBLE one. It is right and reasonable to mourn. Yet healthy mourning means that there's growth and maturing and eventually you look forward instead of looking back. You begin to realize and accept that EACH DAY has both joys and sorrows, and that when it's joy's turn that means there will be a day when it's sorrow's turn. I suspect you had a glimpse of this in the intervening years when you said you "pretended he didn't exist"...and in those intervening years you had a life, a family, kids, and your own life events. So in conjunction with #1 above when you'd speak with a professional about dealing with and facing your feelings nad thoughts about this man (now) who killed your aunt...you would also address how to turn from clinging to a past that is gone, to walking toward a future that is yet to come! It is part of the grieving process to occasionally trigger a memory--but I don't think that's what's happening here. I think on a fundamental level, you need to make the choice to not hate...and I think in order to do that you first have to process the feelings that you stuffed away and didn't want to feel. 

Okay--I'm off to bed and will DEFINITELY dwell on this some more, but that's at least a start, right? Thinking of you tonight.


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## Emerging Buddhist

My dear friend, to have had to experience such sudden and unjustifiable loss is something we tend to carry with us and it is hard at times to see how life can move on when the hurt within us has not.

I hear you share the recognition of all the hurt you feel, but the hard side of hurt is that the more you feed it the bigger it becomes, and in mass transitions itself into anger, vengeance and an often delusional sense of justice unserved.

When we detach from our hurt, we never really give it an honest chance to have it's say yet we fail to realize that we never stop feeding it, tucking away an ill thought here, unmindful kibble there, and then we are overwhelmed when it becomes so much that it floods who and where we are.

You are right... you don't know the heart of the man who hurt not just your family, but his too. I couldn't tell you how he has lived with the heaviness of his actions, you know a superficial exposure of a social snippet that has allowed a connection to a small part of his life that he has had to live with.

Anger, as you are finding out, is just what they say... drinking a poison and waiting for the other person to be sickened. Think about how your heart and mind are separated here, forgiveness is not going to come without the congruence and understanding that when bad things happen, holding on to them is living a hell we choose. Do you deserve such discomfort? Often when I sense I am becoming angry at anything I ask myself just this question... and I usually find I don't deserve to be as angry or agitated as I thought and I begin to forgive not just myself, but the situation or person whom I had found myself at odds with.

Loving-kindness to you as we begin this journey together... it will be a good walk.

Namaste


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## sokillme

LD I think of you as my friend, so I can't not try to help you. I think this is normal. I think you should stop feeling shame about it if you do. This was a terrible thing that happened to you, it makes sense that it causes you anger. I think your anger is more then just this guy though. I think it's also anger on all that you missed out on. That is normal too.

I think you should stop trying to fight it and just rage for a little bit. Rage at man, rage a God even for a little, he can take it. Don't be ashamed, you are human. Anger isn't a wrong thing, but you got to process that anger. You can't let it stay inside you. Poison as EB said is a very good description. Got to let the poison out. 

Also maybe write out what you would say to him, write out what you feel, what you lost. Get it all out. The point is it's OK to grieve. I don't think you should send it to him because I am not sure if really making contact would help you at least now. But put it out there into the universe, and get it out from inside you.

When I went through the indecent that caused me the PTSD which I mentioned on here from time to time, I had to go see someone because I was having panic attacks. One of the things they did for me was have me right to the person who was responsible. Write my rage down, and what I felt I lost because of it. Just getting my thoughts in order helped me deal with them better, because I had a clearer understanding of what I was feeling. This was the process of working through those feelings. Having them wash through me and out. It actually really helps when you do that, or I think it helped me.

LD, he does exist. This happened to you, there is no failure if you are struggling with it, it's normal. It's OK if you are down for a little bit. You have to work through it and that takes time. Sometimes it's more then once. Some things in life are so awful that they effect the rest of your life and you just learn to live with it, and some times you need help with that. So maybe you need to talk to someone. Maybe get some counseling? Maybe even talk to your sister and work out your feelings together. There may be some groups or online boards even where you can talk to people who have similar experiences.

What an awful thing that happened to you. I am very sorry.


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## joannacroc

I saw a similar loss cripple the family of a close friend growing up. What got them through it was channeling their energy into doing something positive. They hosted support groups for other parents who had lost a child in the same circumstances, started talking in schools to high schoolers about how drunk driving effected their family. Maybe talking to other people who have experienced the same thing would help? You can't undo what was done to your aunt but maybe sharing what happened, if you feel comfortable with that, could prevent it from happening to someone else's family.


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## D0nnivain

I am so very sorry for your loss. How tragic. I'm sure the anniversary is dredging it all up. 

I am not making excuses for the drunk driver but the 50 year old man he is today is not the same as the drunk boy he was back then. You have lived all this time with the death of your beloved aunt. He hasn't had a wonderful life, even though he's alive & your aunt is not. He has had to live with the knowledge that _he killed two people_ including somebody he loved. That probably eats away at him daily. 

To the extent that you are religious, pray for the grace to forgive this guy. In doing so you will free yourself. To the extent that you are not religious, find another way to release your anger. Seriously out loud say that you forgive this guy. You are not doing so because he deserves it but because you do. You can't keep hanging on to the poison that is your hatred for him. Even though I don't know you, fwiw, if a train was coming, I don't think you would murder him. You might think about it because we're all human but you have enough compassion & ethics not to actually push him so give yourself a break on that score. 

Get in touch with a group called MADD -- Mothers Against Drunk Driving. They have support groups for people who have lost loved ones to drunk driving. 

Hang in there. I will say a prayer for your aunt & another for you & your family.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Just a quick response, so sorry you're feeling bad.


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## So Married

I hurt for you, reading this. I'm sorry you're suffering this way. 

When I find myself drowning in emotion, the best thing I can do is go do something for other people. Go help at the soup kitchen. Take food to the food bank. Gather and donate stuff to Salvation Army or w/e similar thing you have nearby. 
It not only helps change your focus, but it also helps you bring more good into the world. It somehow helps me displace some of the bad. That probably sounds weird or like I'm trying to be so philosophical or something, but I'm not. It really helps.

It's not an instant cure, but it is a good distraction I guess, until I am more able to pull myself together. 

Also, is there anyone you can talk to? You need a kind shoulder right now.


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## C.C. says ...

I don’t have any advice really, but I wanted to say that I’m so sorry @LisaDiane This has to feel more than unbearable.

P.S. I think you’re the greatest. 🌹


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## DownByTheRiver

I'm so sorry to hear your family is so deeply scarred by this horrible event. to me it sounds like you have a little bit of PTSD that bubbled up.

You certainly need to express your rage anyway you can without hurting other people and try to get it all out.

Other than that I can only tell you what you already know, which is that this kid was so young and the other ones prodding him along that the part of their brains that can foresee consequences of their actions was not yet fully developed and wouldn't be for several years. That's why young people do crazy things. Certainly some have better impulse control than others. So it just is what it is.

I imagine he's had a pretty hard time of it with his own family if they amount to anything at all. Those who put him up to it are just as guilty.

You need to try to stay off his social media because it's just going to keep you stirred up.

Just so sorry that this is haunting you and hope you find joy again soon. Always remember that your aunt would not want any of you spending your life sad and suffering because of this and would not like to look down and see that. She'd want you to be happy.


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## Benbutton

Hello LisaDiane,

So sorry to read how much pain you've been suffering. Have you considered a therapist that specializes in trauma? Ive experienced several traumas in my life very similar to your own. It wasn't until I spoke with a trauma specialist that I was able to develop a place for my feelings, it took time but I was helped tremendously by my therapist.


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## Diana7

Its a horrible situation. I have learnt in my life the thing that has ultimately helped me heal and move on from tramatic events that others caused in my life is forgiveness. Not a popular opinion maybe, but its true. Your guess that it was your grandmothers bitterness that led to her death may well be true. Bitterness and anger is so damaging for us, mentally and emotionally and physically. It only hurts us, the one we hate or are angry with doesn't even know how we feel. Maybe some good counselling along with working on forgiveness(which can be a process and is a choice) may well help.
A lady in my family who was sexually abused by a parent for many years as a child said that forgiving the parent was like coming out from a dark grey dungeon into a beautful garden. Not saying its easy, it certainly wasnt for her, but it really does help the healing and moving on process.
I wish you the best.


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## Tasorundo

Hey Lisa, I am sorry that you are going through this again and that it was brought up fresh in your mind. I do not have a similar experience to share, but I do think the general principles of trying to live with empathy and extending grace and mercy apply. There are a million sayings about holding grudges, from carrying around potatoes to drinking poison hoping someone else feels it. Ultimately, your feelings are hurting you, and not affecting anyone with any responsibility for the original situation.

I do think that spending time imagining his life, as though he has had a lack of consequences, or not enough, is an unproductive activity. Clearly there were immediate implications. His going to a facility to be 'reformed' is most likely not as pleasant as the picture you imagine. Neither is the fractured relationships that he most likely has with all of his family. Assuming he is not a sociopath, he has to live with knowing he was behind the wheel when he destroyed the lives of his entire family, as well as yours.

I would also caution against looking at any sort of social media for evidence of how he is doing, as with all of us, it will only reflect the best parts of his life. It will do nothing to address pain, loss, impact on his life or struggles he has.


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## pastasauce79

Lisa, my family went through something similar years ago.

I had a male cousin who was killed in a car accident when he was 19. His best friend was drunk and driving. 

My cousin was very special and very loved by everyone in my big family. He was the goofy one. He was the only son of his divorced parents. He had a best friend in high school. This friend was like a brother to him, they did everything together, they applied to the same college, they had the same major, they took the same classes. They even shared the same first name. 

They both liked to drink and party. 

One night they went out, even though my cousin wasn't feeling well. Around 3 a.m. my aunt got a call from a local hospital telling her her son was in a car accident and he was brought up there. They didn't tell her my cousin was in the morgue already. It turns out his best friend was drunk and driving very fast. They weren't wearing seat belts, he hit a huge rock and my cousin died on impact. 

This friend survived by a miracle. He had so many broken bones and internal bleeding. I don't remember how long he stayed at the hospital. 

My family was completely devastated. Two families were devastated. Our history as two families sharing love and friendship got erased from our lives. I remember seeing this friend's sister at my cousin's funeral, she was in the back looking devastated. She was my friend and another female cousin's best friend. The tragedy was unbelievable. 

It's kinda of blurry what happened next. I don't remember if the guy went to jail. I remember we never spoke his name again. We never interacted with his sister again.

It took years for everyone to move on. My aunt had to keep going because she had a daughter to raise. 

Years later, when my aunt was feeling better, she forgave him. We all did. For years he was hated by everyone who knew what happened. 

We moved on, we understand he was an immature teenager who one night made a horrible decision and drove while intoxicated. We understand the guilt and pain he has to deal with 'til this day. I remember hearing he almost went crazy with guilt, with pain. He had a huge loss as well. 

Now a days the guy is married, he has children and we went back to being friends with his sister, she was my classmate in college. 

My aunt is a grandma of a beautiful little boy named after his uncle. She's happy. 

Forgiveness and understanding were very important in our mourning process. Hating the guy wasn't accomplishing anything. Hating the guy wasn't helping anybody. It took time but we understood the guy didn't want to kill his best friend. They were young and made a horrible decision. We forgave him for his mistake. I hope he has forgiven himself. 

I'm not sure what can help your family but living in the past is not going to help anyone. The hurt, the pain, the hate are not good for anyone.

The guy moved on because that's what life is about. He's not a teenager anymore. I'm sure he had to face a lot of guilt and pain.

You and your family are choosing to stay in the painful past. Only you and your family can choose to move on. It's not easy but it's possible. Living in the past is like having a death sentence. We chose to forgive. We don't have a chain choking us anymore. We can talk about our cousin without feeling sad. We laugh at telling stories about what he did, what we did together. We can also talk about his death and funeral. It's very liberating to have the freedom to talk about it without feeling pain. 

You and your family have to decide what to do. People in here say it's insane to keep doing the same thing over and over and expect a different outcome. We can change to get a different outcome, but that's something you have to decide. 

I'm sorry for what you've been through. I know it's very tough. Hugs!!!


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## GC1234

pastasauce79 said:


> I had a male cousin who was killed in a car accident when he was 19. His best friend was drunk and driving.


OMG me too. He was my best friend. Except he was the one drinking; he lost his life unfortunately, his friend survived the crash luckily.


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## GC1234

LisaDiane said:


> So...I've been trying to formulate this post for days, since one of my sisters called me crying several mornings ago...and while I was able to handle HER emotions, I am REALLY struggling to handle my own now...so I am desperately needing dear @Affaircare and @Emerging Buddhist (and anyone else), to give me some guidance with how to process my feelings about this...
> 
> This was NOT the sister who cheated or anything like that. This is something completely different...and much worse...
> 
> When I was 17yrs old, a 16yr old drunk driver going 75mph on the wrong side of the road plowed into the car my 30yr old aunt was riding in, and killed her. The instantaneous effect was that the family I had known and had my heart anchored to had a bomb dropped into it and ceased to exist. Literally, I went to bed that night in one life, and woke up in the morning (to that terrible phone call) in a totally different one.
> 
> It was my mother's little sister who was killed, and my mother, her parents and my other aunt basically died that day as well. I am the oldest child in our family, and even though my other siblings were all quite young (5-15yrs), they still all really struggled with the loss over the years. My mom, who was never an emotionally supportive mom to begin with, became completely self-absorbed in her pain, and we basically had NO mother after that.
> 
> The kid who was drunk and killed her wasn't even old enough to have his license, and riding in HIS car with him were two of HIS older brothers (one of whom also died), and their friend, who died as well. So, THREE dead. Supposedly, the three drunk older boys thought it would be fun to have their underage little brother get drunk and drive for a little while at 1:30am, hurtling the wrong way around a corner on a town road. Whatever. The state stepped in after the accident when he was sent to be "reformed", with all kinds of help and assistance...so on his life went.
> 
> And on we all went. Life goes on, we all did the best we could do, and moved on in our new realities, like everyone who has ever gone through loss like that. More painful deaths came over the years, but none like the first - my aunt's death was the only one that was perpetrated AGAINST HER and us all, although I do blame her death for the cause of my Nana's liver cancer and death 5 years later...she never got over her bitterness at the loss of her daughter.
> 
> We've never talked about him much. We talked about HER. Still...the knowledge that he's out there, alive, LIVING...can be a burden at times. But I am a master at "letting go" - not with my heart - my heart holds onto everything - but my mind and my emotions can drop things with frightening ease, and I do it with acceptance of things "the way they really are", which makes it better for me because I don't waste time longing for things that I cannot have. However, NOT WITH THIS. The only way I can pretend that I've let this go is by refusing to think of it. Because there's NO way to deal with it. He's alive and she's dead. HE took her away and tore apart my happy little family, yet he gets to go on and on and on with his life. Just never think of it, it's the only way. And it's been working great for over TWO decades. I thought I had "forgiven" him, even. Until this past weekend when my sister called.
> 
> She called crying because she had looked him up on Facebook - add another reason to the list of why I hate stupid, ever-annoying, pain-causing Facebook - and it hit her like a 2x4 in the stomach that he was a real person. But I did what I always do with my siblings about everything - I soothed her, I fixed her, I said all the right things, I guided her out of the emotional minefield she dropped herself into, and it barely touched me - I even believed what I was saying to her...until we hung up. And then this overpowering RAGE took over that got a grip around my throat and actually choked me for a second. I don't know if it's burning SO hot because I've kept it stuffed down in the corner of my heart for so long or what, but it overcame all my typical methods of dealing with it, and it's become almost like a caged monster in me.
> 
> I think my problem is that she reminded me that he is actually a man who is 50 now, and he's lived ALL this time...and I now HATE that man. I HATE him...I wish he was dead...and even worse for me to feel - and I'm SO ASHAMED to admit this (and this is why I'm writing at all for help with it!) - if a train were coming, I think I might be willing to push him in front of it...and I don't think I'd feel any remorse about it at all. This is an alarming feeling for me, as someone who always has to gently guide spiders or wasps out of the house because I can't bear to kill them.
> 
> Remember one of my older threads about my cheating sister, and how it was pointed out that I might still be angry at her, and I couldn't see it...? NOT HERE -- I see it clear as day - I HATE HIM with a purity that is crystal and sharp and sparkling - and I've discovered that I am actually clinging to it with a raw, untamed part of me that not only refuses to be reasoned with, but it doesn't even speak the language that I'm trying to use when doing the reasoning. I don't think there is a danger of it consuming me, because it's pretty well contained in this one area - drunken murderer of my beloved family - but I am feeding it, I am petting it, I am treating it like a welcome guest residing in my heart...and this is NOT like me at all!!!
> 
> I am the supreme non-judgemental "understand-er" of feelings and emotions, which is why my sister called me in the first place. I rationalize weakness in others and can understand it and accept it and move on. I'm never bitter or enraged. I can DETACH. My strength is in releasing things (or feelings) that aren't right for me or don't serve me, things I cannot have...but not with this...!!! Something inside me is clinging to this in a way that I wouldn't even hang on to the love I felt for my ex-husbands, the two men who meant everything to me at one time!! Is my hate more powerful than my love...?? THAT isn't right, THAT isn't the kind of person I want to be!!!!
> 
> So today is the fourth day I've been in a fog of anger and hatred, trying everything in my emotional arsenal to wrest control of my thoughts and feelings back from this demon-hatred that refuses to be banished -- he was just a kid, he had a terrible family (he did), he didn't mean it, he lost his brother too, maybe he feels regret and shame, I'm only poisoning myself, blah blah BLAH BLAH.
> 
> The anniversary of her death just passed as well, and this whole situation has made that harder to deal with, so for the first time in over 10 years I've been feeling acute pain over her loss...when I'm not seething with anger.
> 
> The irony is that me carrying this in my heart is hurting others too -- my whole mood has changed, and everyone I interact with is affected by that. I don't even recognize myself!!! I'm NEVER in a dark mood like this, I usually feel happy and laugh and enjoy whatever I do each day, but now I feel like everything that normally makes me happy is tainted by poison...I guess because it actually is. There is NO fun in anything I have done in the past few days like there normally is - and anytime I laugh or feel momentary happiness, it only lasts a few seconds until it's swept aside and replaced by the lurking blackness I can't shake off. I am wasting opportunities to experience precious JOY, which has been in short supply around here lately!!
> 
> I just want to go back to pretending he doesn't exist and have that work like it always has...but it just won't!
> 
> HOW do I defeat this...?? What do I do? HELP...


You have every right to be angry. Every right. It's more about why does he get to go on enjoying his life, while the others cannot anymore because he took that away from them. If I can suggest something, maybe you all should block this guy on social media. I just feel like the temptation would always be there to look.

Also, I have an uncle who was hit by a drunk driver. He somehow survived, but I remember his bones in his legs and hips completely shattered. He had to get so many surgeries, I can't even tell you. The man he was with in the car died instantly. I remember being 4 years old and seeing him in the hospital in these contraptions for his legs, I don't even know what they were, and I didn't understand why, but I remember that.

It's interesting, because my uncle was on the way to work, a new job that my father had gotten him, at my grandparents request; and yet, they blamed my father for the accident. Very f**** up situation, my father felt guilty for years, and the poor man did nothing wrong.

I also have a cousin who died in a car accident when he was 19 years old (we were both 19 in fact). He was the drunk driver, and he got killed. He was one of my best friends, and I miss him every day. His passenger fortunately survived, and then sued the family after, and rightly so.

I say this because this man that killed his brother, another individual and your aunt tragically, may be living in a ton of guilt. Or he might not. I don't know. But the truth is, the law decided to handle it the way that they did, and now he's free. I wouldn't do anything (like search him) to remind you all of that unfairness.

It's completely normal to think of it and be bitter from time to time, and it's normal to be angry with him, with the courts, etc. that made this decision. It's good that you're acknowledging it and sharing with us.


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## TXTrini

I had a lab partner fall asleep at the wheel and drive into a bridge pilings, killed him and his friend instantly. I'm still sad when I think of him from time to time, that was nearly 25 years ago and didn't affect me directly!! Their families were completely devastated and had a hard time going on. I can't imagine how you must be feeling to lose a loved one because of the unthinking stupid actions of another, regardless of his age at the time. 

The other posters who mentioned hating him and not letting go of the pain will only fester in you are spot on. You're a gentle person, but you're not a saint! It's ok to feel everything you're feeling, but definitely don't squelch it! I second Ben's rec of a therapist who specializes in therapy, sometimes it helps to have a different perspective and I think their job gives you the tools to dig your way out of a hole. 

Anyway love, hang in there and know we are all praying for you/sending positive thoughts our way and are here to listen to anything you need to get out without judgment, only love and empathy.


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## Emerging Buddhist

@LisaDiane, how is our balance today?


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## LisaDiane

Emerging Buddhist said:


> @LisaDiane, how is our balance today?


I AM better...thank you!!! 

I have only had a chance to quickly read each post, because I've had a very busy two days with several appointments each day, so I've had no time to reply the way I want to yet, and I'm exhausted...but I wanted to say I am grateful for EVERY post, and each one had valuable encouragement and new ways for me to process my feelings. Tomorrow is going to be quieter for me, so I will take some time to respond the way I really want to then.

THANK YOU to everyone who replied to me!!!


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## LisaDiane

Affaircare said:


> @LisaDiane,
> 
> I am going to go to bed and think on this much more fully, but I didn't want to leave you with nothing. I actually do have two thoughts I'd like to share before I go to bed:
> 
> #1 Thoughts and feelings that are shut down (aka "pretending he doesn't exist") don't actually resolve. They just sit and fester until they are dealt with, felt fully, and faced head-on. "Pretending he doesn't exist" doesn't make him non-existent. Yes, he got to live on and on when your aunt didn't, and your whole family--especially her mother and sister (your mom) LOST IT. You suffered, while he got to live. I'm sure his life was no picnic, but he's still able to breathe, and is still breathing. The truth of the matter is that you don't "let this go" in the usual sense of just stuffing it in a box--this sense of loss and suffering and pain and anger and hurt was not dealt with at the time, and so it was just "put off."
> 
> When a wound is deep and it's not dealt with, it festers and becomes infected and eventually turns to gangrene. If the gangrene is bad enough, the limb that had the wound may be lost! That is what has happened (is happening) to your heart. You had a DEEP wound. You didn't address that wound and just let it become infected. You aren't the kind of person who finds an infected heart "acceptable" to your own self so you didn't address the infection, and now it's gangrene. It is not going to get better by ignoring it. So I would very respectfully suggest that you seek out trusted counseling to fully face, experience, and address this head on. It will feel worse before it feels better. You'll think "I came here to feel better and I feel worse! I'm quitting!" And I not only encourage you, but I'll walk with you on this journey as your friend to lean on as you continue the counseling. But in real life, the more you put it off, the sicker your heart will become. To resolve this, you are going to have to face your demon.
> 
> #2 When I lost my Dear Hubby, we had known he was ill and he wouldn't be long for this world, but we thought we had maybe a decade to go...not hours. The death of a dearly loved one changes a person, and the family who loved them, forever, because it's different now--the loved one is no longer with us. BUT in that loss, we--the ones who remain--get to make the decision whether we will live in sackcloth and ashes and spend the rest of our days holding onto a past we'll never get back...or if we will live in the new sunrise and new birdsong and new grandchildren and (miracle of miracles) new love and joy in a future we can't yet imagine.
> 
> If you choose, you can go through what remains of your life clinging to the past. Change is hard, and this change was a HORRIBLE one. It is right and reasonable to mourn. Yet healthy mourning means that there's growth and maturing and eventually you look forward instead of looking back. You begin to realize and accept that EACH DAY has both joys and sorrows, and that when it's joy's turn that means there will be a day when it's sorrow's turn. I suspect you had a glimpse of this in the intervening years when you said you "pretended he didn't exist"...and in those intervening years you had a life, a family, kids, and your own life events. So in conjunction with #1 above when you'd speak with a professional about dealing with and facing your feelings nad thoughts about this man (now) who killed your aunt...you would also address how to turn from clinging to a past that is gone, to walking toward a future that is yet to come! It is part of the grieving process to occasionally trigger a memory--but I don't think that's what's happening here. I think on a fundamental level, you need to make the choice to not hate...and I think in order to do that you first have to process the feelings that you stuffed away and didn't want to feel.
> 
> Okay--I'm off to bed and will DEFINITELY dwell on this some more, but that's at least a start, right? Thinking of you tonight.


I don't know if I can express with words how beautiful your sentiments are here, and how much they really helped me. THIS is why I posted my struggle here at all - to get THIS perspective and encouragement, and clarity. THANK YOU!!!!!

I will look into counseling...I had quite a bit of it in the early years, because after the accident, I actually stopped eating as a way to cope with the difficult feelings of grief, shock, sudden loss, and how invisible I felt to my parents in my pain. I never needed to be hospitalized, but that's because I knew I was indulging in self-destruction, and I was determined to STOP it. It took a few years, but I did manage to overcome that.

I think the suddenness with how my feelings flipped is what shocked me. I didn't realize I was carrying bad thoughts or letting anything rot inside me. I thought I was doing much better than the rest of my family, even!! I'm VERY self-aware and honest about what I see (in me), and I never choose to cling to negativity. So this hatred really just caught me off-guard with it's stubbornness and intensity, where just the week before, I felt a sad finality about my aunt's death (like I do every year on the anniversary of her death), but I didn't really think of the boy who caused the accident at all. 

I don't really WANT dark unhappiness in my heart or my life. I don't have time for that, I like being happy and finding fun things to do. So these bad feelings are like weights on my feet, holding me down when I want to feel free and light and optimistic!

I also think you are really onto something with saying, "on a fundamental level, you need to make the choice to not hate"...that is so simple, yet completely eluded me until you actually said it.

Again, I am deeply GRATEFUL for your response!!!


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## LisaDiane

sokillme said:


> LD I think of you as my friend, so I can't not try to help you. I think this is normal. I think you should stop feeling shame about it if you do. This was a terrible thing that happened to you, it makes sense that it causes you anger. I think your anger is more then just this guy though. I think it's also anger on all that you missed out on. That is normal too.
> 
> I think you should stop trying to fight it and just rage for a little bit. Rage at man, rage a God even for a little, he can take it. Don't be ashamed, you are human. Anger isn't a wrong thing, but you got to process that anger. You can't let it stay inside you. Poison as EB said is a very good description. Got to let the poison out.
> 
> Also maybe write out what you would say to him, write out what you feel, what you lost. Get it all out. The point is it's OK to grieve. I don't think you should send it to him because I am not sure if really making contact would help you at least now. But put it out there into the universe, and get it out from inside you.
> 
> When I went through the indecent that caused me the PTSD which I mentioned on here from time to time, I had to go see someone because I was having panic attacks. One of the things they did for me was have me right to the person who was responsible. Write my rage down, and what I felt I lost because of it. Just getting my thoughts in order helped me deal with them better, because I had a clearer understanding of what I was feeling. This was the process of working through those feelings. Having them wash through me and out. It actually really helps when you do that, or I think it helped me.
> 
> LD, he does exist. This happened to you, there is no failure if you are struggling with it, it's normal. It's OK if you are down for a little bit. You have to work through it and that takes time. Sometimes it's more then once. Some things in life are so awful that they effect the rest of your life and you just learn to live with it, and some times you need help with that. So maybe you need to talk to someone. Maybe get some counseling? Maybe even talk to your sister and work out your feelings together. There may be some groups or online boards even where you can talk to people who have similar experiences.
> 
> What an awful thing that happened to you. I am very sorry.


Thank you so much for your reply. I also consider you a friend, and I appreciate and respect who you are as a person very much, so will always value any input you give me.

Your advice is VERY good!!! I have always benefited from journaling and writing to help me with my intense emotions, so I don't know why I hadn't thought of writing to this man or even just journaling about him before you mentioned it, but I am really glad you did -- I wrote a few things to him in a letter the night after I read your post, and it gave me an almost instant sense of relief!!

I am grateful you took the time to respond to me!


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## LisaDiane

joannacroc said:


> I saw a similar loss cripple the family of a close friend growing up. What got them through it was channeling their energy into doing something positive. They hosted support groups for other parents who had lost a child in the same circumstances, started talking in schools to high schoolers about how drunk driving effected their family. Maybe talking to other people who have experienced the same thing would help? You can't undo what was done to your aunt but maybe sharing what happened, if you feel comfortable with that, could prevent it from happening to someone else's family.


Thank you for this...this is a very good idea!


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## LisaDiane

D0nnivain said:


> I am so very sorry for your loss. How tragic. I'm sure the anniversary is dredging it all up.
> 
> I am not making excuses for the drunk driver but the 50 year old man he is today is not the same as the drunk boy he was back then. You have lived all this time with the death of your beloved aunt. He hasn't had a wonderful life, even though he's alive & your aunt is not. He has had to live with the knowledge that _he killed two people_ including somebody he loved. That probably eats away at him daily.
> 
> To the extent that you are religious, pray for the grace to forgive this guy. In doing so you will free yourself. To the extent that you are not religious, find another way to release your anger. Seriously out loud say that you forgive this guy. You are not doing so because he deserves it but because you do. You can't keep hanging on to the poison that is your hatred for him. Even though I don't know you, fwiw, if a train was coming, I don't think you would murder him. You might think about it because we're all human but you have enough compassion & ethics not to actually push him so give yourself a break on that score.
> 
> Get in touch with a group called MADD -- Mothers Against Drunk Driving. They have support groups for people who have lost loved ones to drunk driving.
> 
> Hang in there. I will say a prayer for your aunt & another for you & your family.


Thank you!!! This was very helpful and comforting!


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## LisaDiane

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm so sorry to hear your family is so deeply scarred by this horrible event. to me it sounds like you have a little bit of PTSD that bubbled up.
> 
> You certainly need to express your rage anyway you can without hurting other people and try to get it all out.
> 
> Other than that I can only tell you what you already know, which is that this kid was so young and the other ones prodding him along that the part of their brains that can foresee consequences of their actions was not yet fully developed and wouldn't be for several years. That's why young people do crazy things. Certainly some have better impulse control than others. So it just is what it is.
> 
> I imagine he's had a pretty hard time of it with his own family if they amount to anything at all. Those who put him up to it are just as guilty.
> 
> You need to try to stay off his social media because it's just going to keep you stirred up.
> 
> Just so sorry that this is haunting you and hope you find joy again soon. *Always remember that your aunt would not want any of you spending your life sad and suffering because of this and would not like to look down and see that. She'd want you to be happy.*


Thank you so much for posting and for your perspective...you actually helped me alot by reminding me of several things that I wasn't really thinking about! 
Especially what I bolded, which really touched me, and I'm grateful you reminded me of that...!!!


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## DownByTheRiver

LisaDiane said:


> Thank you so much for posting and for your perspective...you actually helped me alot by reminding me of several things that I wasn't really thinking about!
> Especially what I bolded, which really touched me, and I'm grateful you reminded me of that...!!!


Enjoying life will honor your aunt. Hugs.


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## sokillme

LisaDiane said:


> Thank you so much for your reply. I also consider you a friend, and I appreciate and respect who you are as a person very much, so will always value any input you give me.
> 
> Your advice is VERY good!!! I have always benefited from journaling and writing to help me with my intense emotions, so I don't know why I hadn't thought of writing to this man or even just journaling about him before you mentioned it, but I am really glad you did -- I wrote a few things to him in a letter the night after I read your post, and it gave me an almost instant sense of relief!!
> 
> I am grateful you took the time to respond to me!


Ah, I am so happy that I was able to help you. 

I hope this is not presumptuous of me but I want you to know I am angry for you. At least, I am angry for the injustice of it all. Believe me I understand it. I have grown to accept that there is nothing we can do about injustice though even when it affects our lives in profound ways. It really is like living with a long term disease or something though. Right now you are having a flair up, been their. 

I guess for me, I have to remind myself, life isn't really about that, and I don't want to discount your pain at all. Please understand that is not what I am saying. I think what I am saying is at the end of the day what life is about is to do good and do well.


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## LisaDiane

Emerging Buddhist said:


> My dear friend, to have had to experience such sudden and unjustifiable loss is something we tend to carry with us and it is hard at times to see how life can move on when the hurt within us has not.
> 
> I hear you share the recognition of all the hurt you feel, but the hard side of hurt is that the more you feed it the bigger it becomes, and in mass transitions itself into anger, vengeance and an often delusional sense of justice unserved.
> 
> When we detach from our hurt, we never really give it an honest chance to have it's say yet we fail to realize that we never stop feeding it, tucking away an ill thought here, unmindful kibble there, and then we are overwhelmed when it becomes so much that it floods who and where we are.
> 
> You are right... you don't know the heart of the man who hurt not just your family, but his too. I couldn't tell you how he has lived with the heaviness of his actions, you know a superficial exposure of a social snippet that has allowed a connection to a small part of his life that he has had to live with.
> 
> Anger, as you are finding out, is just what they say... drinking a poison and waiting for the other person to be sickened. Think about how your heart and mind are separated here, forgiveness is not going to come without the congruence and understanding that when bad things happen, holding on to them is living a hell we choose. Do you deserve such discomfort? Often when I sense I am becoming angry at anything I ask myself just this question... and I usually find I don't deserve to be as angry or agitated as I thought and I begin to forgive not just myself, but the situation or person whom I had found myself at odds with.
> 
> Loving-kindness to you as we begin this journey together... it will be a good walk.
> 
> Namaste


This post is so filled with wisdom and comfort and guidance that I hope everyone who is struggling with loss, disappointment, or anger will read it.

I am often hurt, but I am rarely angry and even then never for more than a few minutes, so I don't have alot of experience with rage and overwhelming anger that hangs on to me. All the superficial knowledge in the world didn't prepare me for being blown back by such a strong force, and you are right, my fear of it caused me to instinctively try to detach from it, but not in any true way - more like actually running from it, instead of a conscious choice to release it...and at the same time, wanting to feed it just like you described.

This observation is truly brilliant -- _"a delusional sense of justice unserved"_ -- YES, I believe that is exactly the point I'm struggling with the most.

I am SO grateful for your perspective and your words!!


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## heartsbeating

Oh sweetheart, I only just saw your thread. There isn't much I can add, other than I hope that you return to let us know how you are.

It might sound strange yet I feel touched on your behalf for the support, understanding, and compassion provided by the TAM crew.

All I have to offer is a big virtual hug of the mind. Thinking of you xx


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