# Redeeming Myself - Bisexual



## jinx1966 (Jun 20, 2011)

This is a tough one and I have read many posts on here where I will have judgement passed on me....but I need to lay it out as it is....

I'm of South Asian background, 45, parents divorced when I was 7ish, have two older sisters. Always had the pressure of ensuring I got a good education, job, wife and look after my family. As a kid..I always had this hanging over me. Never dated, never smoked, never did drugs and never got drunk...didn't worry me as I had to be the good boy who had to not turn out like my alcaholic father...

So went to uni...got good job...got an arranged marriage...getting married was the best thing that could have happened to both of us as we both had troublesome families...

Life was great (except wife got diagnosed with a neurological condition...but general prognosis was good)..had kids...moved overseas...all in all good...

Then, we had some relationship issues and her health was deteriorating. All she seemed to worry about was what would happen to the kids. I felt jealous and left out. Then I lost my job...

Was at home on the computer...and one thing lead to another and I got onto gay/bi chat rooms. Things got worse and I started getting involved in casually with men...but tried to keep things going at home..

Three years ago..I went through depression....it was coming up to Christmas, I thought I had an infection in my mouth..I paniced and started falling apart. I had all the checks done and all was fine. But between giving bloods and getting results...I would have panic attacks and became suicidal...

After those attacks and getting the clear...the guilt and depression really hit home. I had to take sick leave for a month. I sought help and was coming to the conclusion that I was bi-sexual. Always thought I was a bit like that as a kid...but never gave it a thought until problems in our relationship...

The therapist helped me talk. My father had died the year before...I never really knew him...but I missed him like hell. I realised the gap he had left in my life. No one in my family has understood that. When I told my sister I was in depression...she just said you can't..you have to look after mum and your family...

I just felt WHAT THE **** ABOUT ME...

Anyway..for the last three years..I continued to fools around. Noting that I have not engaged in dangerous sexual activity....

We just had a nice long holiday as a family and one big thing I have learnt is that it is time to work at my relationship..to try and be a nice man (as I was in my youth)...predictable and honerable (?)...

In my mind I know how important my family is. My wife is a wonderfully strong woman. Even with her illness..she carries on with life so strong. We have lovely children...

When I went thru depression..some help groups suggested I come out...and leave...I thought to myself that it may make me happy for a few years...but when I'm on my death bed..I wouldn't be able to forgive myself...

So here I am...8 years of living a double life...fully aware of the utter bastard I have been....

Can I peacefully redeem myself and let the devils of my past rest? Many people confront their devils early on in life...I have had to endure them in my mid-life....

I don't want sympathy...just thoughts from other men who have been there or women..

There is a part of me which thinks my wife may be slightly aware...but not confronting me....

Overall..I feel I'm in a better place..my future is going to be tough with an aging mother in the house, an increasing disabled wife and growing children...not how I expected life to be...but I love them all dearly...


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## georgina (Aug 14, 2011)

hi jinx1996,
I have just recently found out that my hubby was raped when he was 10 years old by his cousin.... we are going through a very rocky time in our marriage and i am struggling to cope i have to admit... but he has confided in me that he likes the thought of being with another man.... at first i didnt know what to say or do... he is booked into counselling sessions so he too can better understand who he is..... he tells me he does love me with all his heart that i am the best thing that ever happened to him and the kids.... all i wanted to say was it is best to be completely honest and transparent in a relationship no matter how much it may hurt... as your marriage will neva survive under all the lies... i can honestly say i dont know how i feel at the minute as its not long since he told me... but i do respect him for telling me the whole truth and then hopefully there is a way foward for us..... there are alot of good people on here with loads of good advice have a really good read and i hope u feel you can share all with the love of your life 

georgina


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## jinx1966 (Jun 20, 2011)

Thank you georgina....I am at a point where I don''t want to make it all about me....

If I can..I want to ride it out as a bad dream...if that is possible...

I can't put my wife thru more pain..given her health


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

Gay, bi, straight, cheating is cheating. I learned this the hard way.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, if you are Bisexual, that's fine, but you are married to a woman.

Being "bi" doesn't mean you get to have 2 partners.

If you MUST be with men...well, then I suggest talking with your wife and go from there.

Cheating is cheating no matter your sexual preference.


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## Kevan (Mar 28, 2011)

jinx1966 said:


> Can I peacefully redeem myself and let the devils of my past rest? ... There is a part of me which thinks my wife may be slightly aware...but not confronting me....


The first step on your path to redemption is taken--you've admitted to yourself that you did wrong by your wife and have committed to do right.

In these situations, some advise that you need to be open with your wife about your mistakes. I don't think that's a good idea. Sometimes telling the truth feels like moral righteousness (and a self-punishing "coming clean") to the offender, but does unnecessary damage to the other. 

Especially if your wife is gravely ill, it may not do her any service to destroy her illusions about you. Go back to therapy if your feelings of guilt overwhelm you.

Let "the devils of your past rest" and don't make your wife deal with them.

If she's completely unaware, she may not be able to handle knowing. If, as you suspect, she is partly aware, she may have her own good reasons for not confronting you and bringing it out in the open.

If you are successfully able to reform yourself and resist the temptation to make her your therapist and confessor, you'll know if the time comes to be open about your past. You'll be certain that it's really what she and the relationship are owed, and not a way of fulfilling your own needs for forgiveness or punishment.

Take care of your family.


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## jinx1966 (Jun 20, 2011)

Kevan said:


> The first step on your path to redemption is taken--you've admitted to yourself that you did wrong by your wife and have committed to do right.
> 
> In these situations, some advise that you need to be open with your wife about your mistakes. I don't think that's a good idea. Sometimes telling the truth feels like moral righteousness (and a self-punishing "coming clean") to the offender, but does unnecessary damage to the other.
> 
> ...


Kevan...thanks for your post. On sites like this...I have seen more of the that_girl type of response...which I found did not put all the factors into perspective...and the damage that sort of approach would have had. 

I don't think I have to pay for my sins by declaring them and hurting those close and dear to me. I am paying for my sins through my inner guilt and torment. I am now looking at my deeds with a level of disgust...

I know I can't correct my past....but I can aim to be a better person for the future. 

I am coping with managinging my guilt and don't take this as forgiving myself..as I never well...

And I agree....maybe some years down the line...I will be able to open up to my wife about the depression I had in 2008...

For now I am working on reconnecting with my wife in both an emotional and physical sense...I have stopped the hours of wasted time on the internet and finding moments to be fully present for my family.. 

Thanks again for your thoughtful response... I pray to God for inner strength to carry me through life and the cards it deals out every step of the way...


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