# 7 years and still hurting...



## A Hopeless Romantic (Aug 13, 2012)

My husband and I have been married for 14 years. 7 years ago, I found out that he had been unfaithful twice during our marriage. I chose to forgive him and give him another chance and he is truly a different man today. However, every now and then, something will trigger the memory of that heartache and reignite the hurt that I have tried to bury. I believe part of the reason it hurts so bad is I have NEVER been unfaithful. I met my husband in high school and we married when I was 18. He was my first and has been my ONLY. The thought that he did what he did makes me feel that he didn't love me enough because I believe sex and intimacy and love are inseparable. I know that this is not the case for everyone but my heart and mind can't understand it. I was hoping that with time the sting of the affairs would hurt less, especially since he has been so committed since, but the affairs caused my self-esteem to take a BIG hit. Not because I haven't forgiven him, but because I chose to stay with him like I was saying, "It's okay" when it most definitely was not and should've never happened. Am I wrong for still struggling with these feeling? If not, then how can I recover completely and allow my heart to fully heal so these feelings will disappear?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

He did what he did out of selfishness. It had nothing to do with YOU. You describe a good wife in your post and that is something to be extremely proud of. Triggers happen. That is the unfortunate truth. We'll probably always get them. That is sad.

The question is, did he answer to everything he did in his affairs to your satisfaction? If you still hurt as much as it seems, you may still have questions. It was a long time ago, yes...but if he truly loves you and he's truly a changed man, then he will most certainly understand your feelings.

Communicate. That is the key point. Tell him how you feel WHEN you feel it. Don't hide it out of pride or fear that you're not "over it". Being betrayed is a horrible life to live. That trust takes a long time to earn and mere moments to break and then a lifetime to reacquire. 

You're okay to feel what you're feeling.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Have you ever lost a loved one? My father died almost 30 years ago. While I have "gotten over it" there are still moments when my loss is again presented for whatever the reason and I am still as sad and lost without him as I was the day he died.

Affairs kill something you love. Yes, it is totally normal to still struggle. I would guess we will struggle with our loss our entire lives.


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

We have friends who are 7 years past Dday and they still talk about almost every day. I think they still have a spat or two over it every now and then also. But, they are happy now, overall very happy, and she says happier than before the A. 

Dig and Falene both had great points. I couldn't agree more.


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## A Hopeless Romantic (Aug 13, 2012)

thank you for making me feel like I'm not alone and it is okay to feel this way... 

somedayDig- I cannot bring it up to him because it hurts him too. The past is supposed to be the past and although right after it happened he answered to all my questions at the time, something will remind me of the pain or will bring a new question to mind...sometimes a question I may have already asked but failed to remember during the heartache. I don't want to hurt him any more and when we went through counseling our pastor said that I should ask all the questions I needed to and then leave it be so we could heal. 
we were both aware of how long it would take for trust to be restored and I do trust him now. It doesn't help my father told me that if a man cheats, it is the fault of both in the marriage because a man wouldn't cheat if he was happy at home. So, even though I have forgiven him, I blame myself...

falene- yes, I understand your pain. I lost my mother when I was young and then my brother later in life. The way the memories of them are reignited and the pain rekindled is similar. When I met my husband at age 17, I fell in love with him. When I love, I give my full heart and love unconditionally which opens me up heartache. I still am a hopeless romantic and hate to have to see the world through the "tarnished lenses" caused by the affairs... I just don't know what to do so I can heal completely and regain the trust in others that I once had...


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

AHR, I understand your reluctance to ask and I respect that. I will say one thing and I will say it VERY LOUDLY!!

YOUR FATHER IS WRONG!! Dead wrong. You are in now way, not back then and not now or ever at fault for your husband's choice to have an affair. 

With that out of my system I would rather give you comfort than harsh words. 

Matthew 5:4 "Blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted".

Luke 23:33-34 "And when they came to the place called Calvary, there they crucified Him, and the malefactors - one on the right hand and one on the left. Then said Jesus, Father forgive them; for they know not what they do".


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

A Hopeless Romantic said:


> ... I just don't know what to do so I can heal completely and regain the trust in others that I once had...


There is no cure for this but you can live with it.

What you do is be the kind of person you wish your spouse would have been.

You find things you enjoy doing that brings you happiness.

You beat it into your head that you are not to blame because you aren't.

You feel sorry for your husband that he is the type of person that breaks vows and hearts.

Be glad you aren't.


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## DiegoQuin (Aug 14, 2012)

That trust takes a long time to earn and mere moments to break and then a lifetime to reacquire.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> It doesn't help my father told me that if a man cheats, it is the fault of both in the marriage because a man wouldn't cheat if he was happy at home


Sorry to bring more bad news. Your dad cheated. He's projecting his blameshifting thinking process.


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## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

Falene and Oaksthorne are right - you will probably never completely get over this but will hopefully become better at coping with it. 
And it's a real shame that your husband is hurt by you wanting to go over it again, but hey, so are you are hurt also and you didn't break the rules.


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## messeduplady (May 31, 2012)

*Re: What i did that brought my husband back*



jeaa said:


> A couple of years ago then i was still in Utah, my husband and i got into a fight and he moved out and said he cant live with me and his son anymore because i cut him cheating seeing the messages and emails on his phone, and even pictures they snapped in the beach with a yong girl, he denials it and left for another state so that he can have al the time in world to be free with this girl. My heart could not contain the pains that i had to travel to my home town, The a friend told me about a spell lady who helped her when she got dumped by her boyfriend. this sound crazy to me that my husband i trust with my life could do this to me. it was so unbelievable. I cried all night long, locked myself in a padded room, and thought about how miserable my life was, so i look at the web site my friend gave me about the spell lady at priestessifaagreatspellpowers.web.com, and i saw how powerful and helpful she would be. i contacted her and she decide to help me and guarantee me of results in 2days, i thgouht this was a joke, how can i see result so quickly, but i gave in to see, and at the actual time, my husband came apologising for all his stupid act, this looks sacry because this was so fast and accurate, But the most happiest part is that my family is once united again just as it was when we got married.
> The spell lady has no measure and i can never stop spreading her good works for bringing me happiness and joy. She helped my friend and now am testifying to it, why not do the same and dont make mistake in meeting rip you off on your pain. her email is [email protected],
> Thanks spell goddess. you are wonderfully sweet to meet.




Purleaze. The clowns are back. :rofl:


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Tell your dad I said he should be ashamed to say something like that to his daughter.

Funk that.

Yes, it sounds like he cheated. 

Back to the point: What you're feeling is totally normal and I hope you've read the Newbie threads. I hope also that your H is aware of how you've been hurt. Do you sense that he is remorseful?

You are not saying, "it's okay". You are saying "it was dead wrong but I am willing to try again and there will be some big changes around here."


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You bring up the pain when you remember the death of loved ones.

Perhaps if you look that the affairs as the death of innocence you can handle it better. 

You have no responsibility for the death of a loved one just has you have no responsibility for the death of the innocence.

Both spouses have 50/50 responsibility for the state of the marriage. But a person who cheats has 100% of the responsibility for the affair. He had two other choice... 1) let you know that there was a problem and ask you to work on it with him, or 2) divorce you.

He chose #3... affairs.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

A thousand pounds will always be a thousand pounds, my dear. You will simply become better at carrying it. *Hug*


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