# How do you pull away without being cold?



## The bubblerum (Oct 28, 2013)

I am looking at this 180 thing but, how do you pull away without being cold?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You don't have to be cold ( even though he wayward will think your cold) but you can be indifferent. Be polite, amlicable and courtesy....just like any stranger you would meet in passing.

Get it?

she is now a stranger in passing...nothing more and nothing less...

No more I love you's

No more how you feel

no more anger

did I say no more anger?

look up the word indiffernet, oppisite of love, hell we all love to hate...maybe thats just me but when you show hate it shows you care.

dude it all about indifference...the 180 is a tool you use to distance your self from the emotional bull crap our spouse dish out.

the 180 is all about no longer worried about some one you cared about for the last 5, 10, 20 , 30 yrs.

Its about your own emotional health so you can care about the poeple that care about you.

think about why they tell you to put the oxygen mask on 1st then put it on your kid when your about to crash in a airplain.

You gotta check your self before you can help others.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So your emotionally getting screwed over and your worried about being cold to the person that is emotionally abusing you???

Being cold is self preservation.

Again the 180 is for your protection not getting back at your spouse or win them back.

if your concerned about being cold to your spouse, your no were near ready for this step!

It just takes more emotioanl abuse from them to get there. but one way or another you will need to emotioanlly protect yo,r self.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

The 180 is to help you survive.

Do not even think about the other person, you need to take care of yourself first.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

It is very difficult and you will appear cold - it's kind of the whole point.

It goes against everything you have done for your whole marriage, but think of it in the same way as you might if you are punishing a child - it's for the child's own good in the long run but it can be extremely hard to stick to, although in this case you are doing it for both of you. 

An unhealthy relationship destroys everyone in it in the end.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

I like to use the word professional.

Ive worked with a number of people who I simply did not like. It was mutual. we needed to get along. It was cool not cold. Two sharks fighting only feeds the chum. Work it like a professional.

Q What time are you pikcing up the kids?
A Do you agree that six is a good time?

Suddenly develop a need to be with friends.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Being cold or hostile is still showing an emotional investment in the other person. 

The 180 is about LETTING GO, not of doing a, "So THERE. Take that." 

I think you are seeing the 180 as a form of manipulative ploy. If you use it that way, it will backfire.

It has to be a complete relaxing of your control over the other person, and deciding to move forward with your life, with or without them. There isn't any reason to be cold or hostile to someone you are setting free.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

The bubblerum said:


> I am looking at this 180 thing but, how do you pull away without being cold?


Why do you care?


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## Betrayedred (Jun 16, 2013)

What everyone has said is exactly right! But it's hard---very hard, not to engage---believe me, I have engaged too much this weekend. But what I tell myself in rational times, when gauging my response is this: "This is not my husband. I am not his wife. He is a roommate with whom I happen to share childcare and expenses. Therefore, the only things which I need to discuss with him are childcare details and household matters." If you say something like that enough, you start to see your WS not as someone who betrayed you and shattered your heart, but as a human being with whom you have to interact, but with whom you do not need to engage. 

I have spent far too much energy engaging, filling, worrying, fighting with and for him. The 180 helps you see how to let go of those behaviors, and how to embrace the you that you are capable of being. It's hard and scary, especially if your identity has always been wrapped up with someone else. But it's worth the pain, the stumbling, even the falling---because each time you pick yourself back up, you prove to yourself that you CAN do what is necessary for a whole and healthy you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The bubblerum (Oct 28, 2013)

Then how do you handle sex? I am mad and she hurt me, but she is beautiful...


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

If you attracted one beautiful woman you can attract another

Get it Look up oneitus


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## Bamzor (Aug 15, 2012)

The bubblerum said:


> Then how do you handle sex? I am mad and she hurt me, but she is beautiful...


Are you wanting 180 or you wanting to recover?...or have you tried and it is just not working. If you are attracted to your spouse, it's tough. She may know this and use that "Tang" to influence her needs.
If you are looking to recover sex is a good thing. You however don't need to look like a puppy begging for a piece. Not sure what happen or where you are in time. The 180 is to put you in control, not of her, but how you view and react to her.


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## The bubblerum (Oct 28, 2013)

The affair happened in August, I knew day one, she denied so I waited until she would tell me. I knew she would becuase with her baggage no guy is going to want more than the sex. Which I was right when it wasn't going anywher she came back to me. I thought I was ready, nope, once she told me I reacted as planned and wanted to R. But, fast forward to November. I spent all of september and October doing what she wanted me too. It got me nothing, she was mean to me, sarcastic about everything, and just plaibn annoying. Found this bored read some things, then laid down the law told her if she wants this to work she would need to win me back cause I am done and gone. Showed her the D papers, meet with 2 lawayers without being sneaky about it. Sice she has done a bit more, she is still not talking but now she at least appoliges once every other day. I want to R, I do, she knows this. we see a counselor tuesday, but I hate theraphists. I have done some of the things listed on the 180 here SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for Those Affected by Infidelity, but not all. I had a bad weekend cause I got sick with a 105 fever. Might have been a tad needy. Other than that I am distant but I mainly just focus on my kids. I am doing things with them I would only do once and a while before, now I do them all the time. Plus thank god my daughter made the Basketball team, so we practice BBall every night. My wife has just become selfish, and the kids are seeing it. So, I think I am ok just not sure how to react with sex, I am attracted to her, but I also keep picturing her with the OM. She broke it off, did a letter yesterday, also I sent him a private message on FB, Redditt, etc. etc.. Now he has taken his profile from all the socials down. He is a coward who used my wife. But she went to him. I am just tired of the whole thing and just do not want to hurt my kids.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*When I was moved out of our home into a neighboring city and summarily abandoned by my XW, I immediately entered into doing "the 180" on her. That was largely done for me to move on with myself, but I had vowed that if she were ever to try to communicate with me in any form, I would be more than receptive to it.

She only called me once in 8 months and on that occasion I was able to make an offer for R, which she said that she would think about; unfortunately it took her less than 10 hours to send me an email telling me that R was totally off of the table.

At my attorney's advice, I checked two years worth of her cell phone records for anything vaguely suspicious, and found phone numbers and texts to and from two men from her past that she had both EA's and PA's with, even as far back as a year prior to our separation. FB posts by her and them later confirmed that!

Since that time, I have not as much as given her the time of day! I do not speak to her, call her, text her, write to her, email her; in any shape, form, or fashion; other than for briefly cross-examining her at our bench trial for divorce!

And after my property retrieval is finally completed from "her house," some 2-1/2 years following the separation, I absolutely wouldn't pee in her guts if she was on fire!*


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

It's very early days for you.

The 180 might only be "useful" if you wanted to end the affair - which you don't need to - or if your spouse is not being remorseful.

You have lots of time. Don't beat yourself up about anything. You don't have to do anything at this point.

If it feels better right now to be nice to her - be nice.

If having sex with her makes you feel better - have sex.

You have been through one of, if not the, most traumatic experiences of your life. You need a break from it.

Either you have lots of time, in which case "pausing" the 180 doesn't matter and will wait, or you don't in which case why not just make yourself happy anyway?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

The bubblerum said:


> He is a coward who used my wife. But she went to him.


The trouble Dawg is that most guys come to this site after their old lady's already done the deed; you included. Your problem, and I'm telling it like it comes across to me, is that you're behaving like a needy doormat whose wife own you lock stock and barrel. She knows she couldn't run you off with a stick. And that's your problem my man. You're no challenge. But what the hell, she's beautiful, right?. And that makes her treating you like dog crap worth it? Not this ole boy. 
If you keep up this predictable behavior, you shouldn’t be surprised if she doesn't resuscitate things with the old boyfriend or find another. A N/C letter is only good as long as she whats it to be. Ask yourself, "what have I done to make her know I mean business". While you're at it, ask yourself "where has being weak got me so far". I’ll tell you where my man; nothing but more pain.
Labeling guy who bang married women as cowards ain't gonna get you a lot in this market Dawg.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

She may be beautiful on the outside... I'm sure that will garner her many more opportunities to cheat on you in the future. What is she doing to make sure that doesn't happen again.

Obviously, if she does. It will be no big deal because it wasn't this time. 

You will not nice her into being a loyal wife.


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## The bubblerum (Oct 28, 2013)

well I just feel like a big bag of emotion and thought that are all over the place. But today was a good day. I only thought of the affair once. That was while at church I happen to look over at my wife and I noticed she did her hair the way I like it. Then next thing I know I picture her naked on top of the OM doing this sexy hair flip she does when she is really into sex and is going in for a kiss. I wanted to puke, went to leave church. My wife chased me down and begged me to tell her what was wrong. I told her you do not want to know and to leave it. She insisted, so I told her. She pinned me against the wall said, I'm sorry, cried a bit then kissed me sweetly. It was nice but confusing. Also sex after church was fantastic. But confusing. She knows I am serious she is reading a book somone linked to me. She is starting to get it. She need to talk more but she is not getting angry when I am mad or upset anymore. She just sees my pain and comes to me to help. But it has only been 3 days like this. How do you trust again, I feel like I could eventually give her more of myself but I feel like I will always keep parts of me locked up, safe.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

well I don't think that 180 is the right approach here, 180 is not for punish the WS, is to detach from him/her, this normally brings to reactions, the attention and confusion from the WS or the total separation of the spouses to move on, but you want to reconcile.

Thre tru is from the little you have let us know about your WS I am not sure reconcilation is the best option for you, of course in the end is ypur decission but you seem to have a ws that is prone to cheat easily and have no problem putting you as plan b (second choice)


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

The bubblerum said:


> How do you trust again, I feel like I could eventually give her more of myself but I feel like I will always keep parts of me locked up, safe.


You can trust 100%. Unfortunately, when dealing with people, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. Eight or nine out of ten will break that trust in one form or another. So really folks complaining about being hurt because someone broke their trust was due to a miscalculation on their part. You've all your eggs in one basket and trusted the handle. People can and do let you down. Trust is the your belief that another person won't harm you. Its often based on your hope and desire rather than observation or allowing for flaws in the person/item. In your case, she's already proven you can never fully trust her again. You can give as many chances as you like for her to clean up her act but don't think that has any power over the other person. Remember, you can only be betrayed once. After that, you shouldn't be surprised (disappointed maybe) if they fall off the wagon again. 

The best advise I can give you for your own sake is to convince yourself first, and than her, that the next time will be the last time. And if you can do it, like the in the Rolling Stones song, "this maybe the last time, I don't know". You come across as weak Dawg. You need to be the new Sheriff in town or she be up to her old tricks in no time.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I agree with Man above in that I don't see the benefit of the 180 for you.

Seems like your wife is talking and trying. I am not saying she deserves a chance, but she does seem to be trying to work on the M. If this is the case the 180 is not the way to go.


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