# Should I leave after 22 years>



## snazzymom (Nov 14, 2012)

I have been married for 22 years. Have 4 children. The last 3 years have not been very good. This past year has been the worst. In the spring I really thought about leaving and discussed this with him. I was getting bored with my life. Sex was just about non-existent. We quit doing things together. We were sleeping in separate rooms and hardly talking to each other and I'm sure my 2 children that still live at home could sense the tension. I was seeing a counselor for other reasons and told her about this situation. She suggested we both come in to see her. Husband agreed. We talked with her and I told them how I felt. Last year my mother passed away and it was like he didn't care at all. Did not console me at all. I felt so alone. Anyway, I read about this idea online. Both of us would write down things that we like to do and put them in a jar. Once a week we would take turns and pick from each others jar and plan to do what the slip of paper said. It worked fine for about a couple of months. The summer was busy and he would go to the parents cottage and I would stay home since I didn't feel comfortable there with the inlaws. On his short weekends I would plan little overnight getaways for us. October was our anniversary and we went on an overnight getaway, where, once again, I planned the getaway. I had a good time but did not feel connected to him like I use to. Since we got home we are back to being where we were not doing anything together. We are back to sleeping in separate rooms, which is ok because he snores terribly and I don't get any sleep. This past weekend we went out with friends, but I had to twist his arm to do that. He said he just wants to stay home and get stuff done.

Besides that I am hypothyroid(low). He has not been supportive or understanding about this at all. He thinks everything is all in my head and doesn't do anything to try to help. It would be nice if he cooked supper once or did dishes or something around the house. This thyroid disorder is really dragging me down. He really doesn't understand.

I'm really tired and on several occassions have considered just leaving, but I have my kids at home to think about.

I really don't think this situation is going to get any better. I feel the counseling isn't working anymore and I'm just not feeling the connection anymore.

Sorry for the long post and sort of ranting, but I am so confused and don't know what to do. I have not slept much in the last three nights. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

This is just my thoughts and I'm no one special. Marriage is hard , , sex and love bring us together but being able to put up with each others bull**** is key. We all have quirky habits that are either tolerable or not. Love is great, good sex every once in awhile is nice but once we can no longer deal with their bull**** it's over. Can you still deal with it ?


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## sweaty teddy (Nov 13, 2012)

you sound depressed.

I wouldn't do anything until you get your health back on track.


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## Jeapordy (Aug 12, 2012)

There is probably a lot more to the story. Your husband may be passive aggressive. He is upset about something(s) and feels that you did not act appropriately on issues that were significant to him in the past. Therefore he is making you feel the way he felt. 
You said that you don't feel comfortable around his parents. That alone will cause lots of resentment on his part. I think you both have some skeletons in the closet that need to be aired out. Until then, you will just keep sweating the small stuff (like his lack of cooking) which he probably never did and wasn't a big issue in the past.


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

Why do you think leaving and being alone is better than having a husband and kids together? If he isn't supportive but let you do your own thing, why is it better for divorce? To destroy your children?

There are more to this story. So what is it?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

To make your man happy, figure out what his emotional needs are and meet them. In turn he will do the same back to you.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

What is going on with the in-laws? Can you think of other ways his emotional needs weren't met? Is he depressed? Does he drink?
Sorry you are going through this. Not getting any compassion from your husband is the worst feeling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

It sounds like you are down with depression and thyroid issues. I wouldnt do anything until your health is in better condition. When you feel better, he may perk up too. You're jumping the gun on a marraige that could still work. 
If theres not any lying,deceipt or abuse - why check out?
Give it time and counceling. 
Invest some time into your marraige- counceling etc...don't give up - you have more than most. (from what I've read).


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

snazzymom said:


> I really don't think this situation is going to get any better. I feel the counseling isn't working anymore and I'm just not feeling the connection anymore.


All of us have to choose every day whether we want to act on our feelings or act on a code of right and wrong that may not be consistent with our feelings. Ultimately we all have to decide whether we want to be in relationship or aloneness. It's your choice.


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

snazzymom said:


> Besides that I am hypothyroid(low). He has not been supportive or understanding about this at all. He thinks everything is all in my head and doesn't do anything to try to help. It would be nice if he cooked supper once or did dishes or something around the house. This thyroid disorder is really dragging me down. He really doesn't understand.
> 
> I'm really tired and on several occassions have considered just leaving, but I have my kids at home to think about.
> .



Sorry - I just re-read. Health issues that don't fit into a cast or not visible are the hardest. Wondering if you can work with him on educating him on your illness. Counseling/talking to him and asking him to go with you to your doc appts. so the doc can talk to him and explain the severity.

My step mom left my father becuase of lack of help / support for her illness. But he was also a heavy drinker and it was always about his needs. So she did go to counceling and eventually left him.

Hang in there.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

snazzymom said:


> ...Besides that I am hypothyroid(low). He has not been supportive or understanding about this at all. He thinks everything is all in my head and doesn't do anything to try to help. It would be nice if he cooked supper once or did dishes or something around the house. This thyroid disorder is really dragging me down. He really doesn't understand..


OK, there is something else going on here. I get that you don't feel appreciated; but, this hypothyroidism is total BS. It takes little time to correct hypothyroidism with a simple pill once a day, even in people whose entire thyroid gland has been removed surgically! So you are using this as an excuse and he seems to have keyed on this as well.

You seem depressed and undoubtedly there is way more to this story then you are sharing. I think you guys need to work a little more on the his need/her needs spectrum and stick to a plan for mending your relationship.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Lots of men do not deal with death & illness the way WE WANT THEM TO. I know it sucks & we want more support & sympathy from our spouses. If he is otherwise a good man, stop resenting him for that.

You are not alone with your feelings after a long marriage. If you both want it, you will find ways to re-connect. The fact that your husband went to counseling shows his desire to stay married.

If there is no abuse and/or addictions then I think you need to be the change you want to happen. Your husband's job is NOT to make you happy. That is your job.

The grass is not greener. A divorced woman with 4 children is NOT very attractive to single men.

I do wish you the best.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

scione said:


> If he isn't supportive but let you do your own thing, why is it better for divorce? To destroy your children?


It's a misnomer to assume divorce is going to destroy the children. Is it better for the children to grow up in a home where mom and dad are miserable or to share their time between two homes where mom and dad live happy fulfilling lives? 

I've been divorced for 9 years now. I have a son in university getting marks in the 80's, participating in various sports and having an active social life. My daughter is still at home getting marks in the 90's (hoping to go to medical school), participating in organized sports and also enjoying an active social life. I don't believe my divorce destroyed their lives. 

I think a lot of people stay in unhappy relationships because they're afraid of losing the crutch, "I'm not happy because of my spouse". I'm trying to teach my kids to be responsible for their own happiness.


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## snazzymom (Nov 14, 2012)

KanDo, I have several friends who have thyroid disorder. One of them said it took her 5 years to get her dosage correct before she felt better. She went from doctor to doctor. Unless you have this disorder, please do not comment that it is BS. People are different and what medication works for one person doesn't always work for others. My doctor has also said that alot of people get depressed because of their thyroid. I do agree that I do have some depression and I believe it is because of the thyroid. Thyroid messes up your whole body. Believe me I have done alot of reading and research on this. Thank you for your post anyway.


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## snazzymom (Nov 14, 2012)

Readytogo, Thank you for the suggestion about taking him to my doctor appointments.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

don't throw away this marriage. it sounds like there's still a spark there. try to find more things to do together, even if it's chores - do them together. maybe go to a gym together. maybe plan a date night once/week. maybe he cares but you're not hearing him. does he know this marriage is on the line? is it really over? has it been over for a while, or is this just a really bad bump in the road. if the last 3 years have been bad, then you've had 19 good years. that's worth a lot. you can get there again. try harder every day to help yourself find more happiness with yourself.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

MaritimeGuy said:


> It's a misnomer to assume divorce is going to destroy the children. Is it better for the children to grow up in a home where mom and dad are miserable or to share their time between two homes where mom and dad live happy fulfilling lives?
> 
> I've been divorced for 9 years now. I have a son in university getting marks in the 80's, participating in various sports and having an active social life. My daughter is still at home getting marks in the 90's (hoping to go to medical school), participating in organized sports and also enjoying an active social life. I don't believe my divorce destroyed their lives.
> 
> I think a lot of people stay in unhappy relationships because they're afraid of losing the crutch, "I'm not happy because of my spouse". I'm trying to teach my kids to be responsible for their own happiness.


It's difficult to speak for other's situations, because we haven't walked in their shoes and don't know all the details, all I have is my situation. My wife divorced me a couple of years ago because she was "no longer happy." It took my kids, who are now 11 and 14, by total surprise. We weren't yelling and throwing pots at each other, my wife just decided things weren't as exciting as they could be in life and a divorce would cure it and make her happy. We had this nice little Mayberry life that our kids loved, but she became bored.

Her attitude was that the kids would get over it and be ok. Well, sure they will get over it. What other choice do they have? Neither of my kids have jumped off a cliff and rarely seem bothered, but my son sometimes makes comments about "remembering the good ol' times" and he will talk about how things used to be. Sometimes my daughter will say, "I didn't ask for this divorce, dad. Mom was stupid." 

So, I don't think it was a good thing for my kids. If my wife had decided to give it all she had rather than bail out, I think it would have been better for our kids. My x tried dating for a while, and my daughter threw such a fit that she stopped. My kids think the whole thing is ridiculous, but they have no choice but to suck it up and go on.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

I am sorry you are going through this. I would try and get my health on track before I make any rash decisions. You also sound very down. 

It is hard when your spouse does not support you. I have Lupus and my ex did not understand at all why I did not feel good. He never went to a dr. appt. with me or even read about Lupus and what it is. It was a major factor in our divorce. We were married for 23 years and had three adult kids and it was a quick divorce but not without pain.


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## snazzymom (Nov 14, 2012)

IslandGirl3 said:


> don't throw away this marriage. it sounds like there's still a spark there. try to find more things to do together, even if it's chores - do them together. maybe go to a gym together. maybe plan a date night once/week. maybe he cares but you're not hearing him. does he know this marriage is on the line? is it really over? has it been over for a while, or is this just a really bad bump in the road. if the last 3 years have been bad, then you've had 19 good years. that's worth a lot. you can get there again. try harder every day to help yourself find more happiness with yourself.


Thanks for your post. We have tried doing things together. We joined a gym, have done the date nights 1-2 times a week. I also got this idea from the internet - You each write down things that you like to do on little sheets of paper. You each put them into a jar. Each week take turns and pull a slip from the other's jar and go and do what it said. That was fun. We both got to do things that we wanted with the other person. Ok it worked for about a month. Now my husband is back to - I just want to stay home on my days off work. It's not like I'm asking him to spend every day off doing something with me. What's a few hours out of 2-3 days? This past weekend I made plans for us to go out with some friends we haven't seen in a few months. He was not happy about it and I'm sure our friends sensed the tension. My question is can you really get back the passion and closeness that you once had??


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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

He sounds like he's not that bad. Maybe he's not feeling so great either and that's why he wants to stay home on his days off. You can always go do things with your friends and kids without him going too. Im reading a book called Choose to be Happy and apparently we have to actively choose to be happy on a day to day basis. I wouldnt leave your marriage without trying a new therapist and taking 15 or 20 minutes out of your day to sit down and talk, give each other your undivided attention for 15 minutes every day. Try to build a connection and closeness through communicating first.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Actually Snazzy it sounds like you are making a great effort and are committed. It appears to me that the lack of intimacy (not just the sex part) is an enormous hole. 

It would appear to me your husband is holding back. Did I miss something or are you evading the question about your in laws? Is there friction there? Why don't you visit them with him.

Over the 27 years I have been married the relationships we have had with each others families has been great until recently. My wife has little patience for my parents and my brother's family (his wife is incredibly annoying). It saddens me and it has made me see her in a different light. 

Once you are in my circle you are in but my wife picks and chooses and at times I see her lacking in compassion and I do not like her much in those moments.


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## dontpanic (Feb 23, 2012)

Snazzymom -
Do you think you are having an MLC?
Also, have you read of the book The Five Love Languages? Or His Needs, Her Needs?

I get it that you're bored and sick and tired. But please don't give up on your M until you figure out why.

You have to take care of yourself and figure out why you feel that your marriage is not nurturing you anymore.

Once you figure out what's wrong, you and H can begin to change things.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

southbound said:


> It's difficult to speak for other's situations, because we haven't walked in their shoes and don't know all the details, all I have is my situation. My wife divorced me a couple of years ago because she was "no longer happy." It took my kids, who are now 11 and 14, by total surprise. We weren't yelling and throwing pots at each other, my wife just decided things weren't as exciting as they could be in life and a divorce would cure it and make her happy. We had this nice little Mayberry life that our kids loved, but she became bored.
> 
> Her attitude was that the kids would get over it and be ok. Well, sure they will get over it. What other choice do they have? Neither of my kids have jumped off a cliff and rarely seem bothered, but my son sometimes makes comments about "remembering the good ol' times" and he will talk about how things used to be. Sometimes my daughter will say, "I didn't ask for this divorce, dad. Mom was stupid."
> 
> So, I don't think it was a good thing for my kids. If my wife had decided to give it all she had rather than bail out, I think it would have been better for our kids. My x tried dating for a while, and my daughter threw such a fit that she stopped. My kids think the whole thing is ridiculous, but they have no choice but to suck it up and go on.


My situation was much like yours. There was no fighting. Hell it wasn't just the kids who were caught by surprise...I was too. 

I would agree that the ideal choice is for kids to grow up in a loving two parent home. Sometimes that is just not possible. To me they're better off sharing time between two loving single parent homes than one miserable two parent home. 

My point is don't hold the kids responsible for your choices as adults. That's one hell of a cross for them to bear. "Mom and Dad spent the past 20 years being miserable. They did it for me." 

Make your decisions about your relationship with your spouse on the merits of that relationship alone. Yes some people bail earlier than they should, perhaps being unhappy and thinking somehow it must be the spouse who is the issue. I think far more people however stay in less than fulfilling relationships. It's sad really and I think a lot of us have grown up with that role model and somehow feel it's inevitable. The bottom line is if you are in a bad relationship and choose not to either fix it or end it who is ultimately responsible for you being where you are?


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## snazzymom (Nov 14, 2012)

RClawson said:


> Actually Snazzy it sounds like you are making a great effort and are committed. It appears to me that the lack of intimacy (not just the sex part) is an enormous hole.
> 
> It would appear to me your husband is holding back. Did I miss something or are you evading the question about your in laws? Is there friction there? Why don't you visit them with him.
> 
> ...


Ok here is the situation with the inlaws. My oldest daughter (27) got into some big trouble when she was in high school at 15 years old. She also is not my husbands biological daughter, but he did adopt her when she was 5. Anyway, since then the mother in law treats her as an outcast. Will not talk to her and just treats her like crap when they are together. She is never included in that side of the family parties, weddings, etc. I wrote her (in law) a letter several years ago trying to find out why she is treating her this way. Not really a response. The father in law is fine. He talks to her when we are together at my house for holidays etc. I have tried my best to get them talking and to get inlaw to forgive and let go of what happened. My husband will not say anything to his mother about this. I understand he doesn't want to get in the middle but she is his daughter. I know my daughter feels hurt by this but what else can I do?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You have a lot of concerns, but the elephant in the room is that your mother passed away not too long ago. You should get some counseling just for yourself. Work on you and your own mental/physical health. You may be depressed for several reasons & things will feel different after you've had some effective therapy.


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## snazzymom (Nov 14, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> You have a lot of concerns, but the elephant in the room is that your mother passed away not too long ago. You should get some counseling just for yourself. Work on you and your own mental/physical health. You may be depressed for several reasons & things will feel different after you've had some effective therapy.


I have been going to counseling for 2-3 years, not just for marriage, but for things that happened with my daughter (28) when she was 15. No support there either.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

snazzymom said:


> Ok here is the situation with the inlaws. My oldest daughter (27) got into some big trouble when she was in high school at 15 years old. She also is not my husbands biological daughter, but he did adopt her when she was 5. Anyway, since then the mother in law treats her as an outcast. Will not talk to her and just treats her like crap when they are together. She is never included in that side of the family parties, weddings, etc. I wrote her (in law) a letter several years ago trying to find out why she is treating her this way. Not really a response. The father in law is fine. He talks to her when we are together at my house for holidays etc. I have tried my best to get them talking and to get inlaw to forgive and let go of what happened. My husband will not say anything to his mother about this. I understand he doesn't want to get in the middle but she is his daughter. I know my daughter feels hurt by this but what else can I do?


Thank you this really plugs the holes. How does your husband treat your daughter?


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## snazzymom (Nov 14, 2012)

RClawson said:


> Thank you this really plugs the holes. How does your husband treat your daughter?


My husband treats my daughter as if she was his biological daughter. He talks to her, laughs with her as nothing is wrong. Why can't the mother in law get past this? Why hold a grudge for something that happened when she was a teenager? I did things that I'm not proud of when I was a teenager, but my family did not hold that against me and treat me any different. My daughter has 2 children and my feeling is that she (inlaw) is missing out on knowing these great grandchildren. My niece on my husbands side is having a baby in December, and I'm sure mother in law will be excited and spoil the baby and probably say oh this is my first great grandchild. My husband does agree with me that she should forgive but he just won't say anything to her.


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## dontpanic (Feb 23, 2012)

This is just my two-cents, so please don't take offense.

1) If MC counseling with your current therapist is not working, you may need to seek a new therapist. All therapists are not created equal. I'm sure you relate to your IC and feel a loyalty towards them and they know all your s**t already. 

But I don't think MC with your IC is the healthiest thing. Its kind of a conflict of interest. Your IC is loyal to you and sympathetic to your issues - or your H may percieve it that way. Imho, you need an unbiased, neutral MC to really get to the bottom of your issues.

Maybe even if you stick with your current therapist, you say "hey, there are certain things we're not making progress on - what can we do differently? can we try another approach"?

A therapy relationship is special and requires a lot of building of trust. But it also requires honest communication to grow.

2) The issue with your MIL treatment of your daughter is just another complication. It is also a sign of your H "siding" with his Mom instead of validating how you feel. This requires you to honestly tell him (maybe during an MC session) how his not standing up to his Mom makes you feel. Ultimately, your H does not control his Mom and cannot actually change her behavior to your D. But I think the part that's riling you is that your H is not validating your feelings by taking your side here.

3) I think you are scared to leave your H. I think you are scared of how you feel. You don't want to hurt him or your kids. You wish that you were happy. You are scared to share with him the depth of your unhappiness.

So maybe you aren't being entirely honest to yourself about the roots of your personal unhappiness. Part of it is really your health and part of it is bereavement for your Mom. But part of it is your disappointment in your marriage relationship - your husband hasn't stepped up and been there for you the way you have needed in the past few years.

That's why I think that the book the 5 love languages is important. He doesn't realize that he is not showing you love in the language that you understand. And maybe you don't entirely understand what is missing in your interactions with your H. this book can help you see things more clearly. Also "his needs, Her Needs" addresses how the husband and wife's needs differ and how they show it.

You have to realize something:
D will not actually fix your personal issues. D will not actually fix your thyroid or bring your Mom back. D will just remove you from your current relationship and situation. You will still be left with yourself and your own unhappiness and dissatisfaction with your life.

I know that the thought of escape sounds so good when you are stuck, but running away doesn't actually solve anything. You may wish you can go around or over or under, but the only way to the other side is through.


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## snazzymom (Nov 14, 2012)

dontpanic said:


> This is just my two-cents, so please don't take offense.
> 
> 1) If MC counseling with your current therapist is not working, you may need to seek a new therapist. All therapists are not created equal. I'm sure you relate to your IC and feel a loyalty towards them and they know all your s**t already.
> 
> ...


Thanks. I totally understand what you said and it makes sense. Big blowup tonight, but don't want to get into it right now. Too upset. I am going to look for a new MC. I don't feel the MC is ever on my side in this. She is always telling me what I need to do. Isn't it suppose to be 50/50? I think we need to find someone who doesn't know either of us.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Snazzy,

Hope you and your husband are progressing. Sounds like a new MC is in order. I hit the jackpot with mine the first time and I believe I was lucky.

I have never subscribed that marriage is 50/50. If it is always 70/30 and you are always 70 then things need to be addressed. Relationships are always going to be lopsided and much of that depends on the perspective of which spouse you are talking to.

Your husband does need to step up to the plate in regards to the adolescent behavior of his Mom. I think it is possible he is carrying some guilt about it. Do not give up. Find the right counselor and be frank and honest with your husband about everything but most importantly about how much he and the kids are important to you. 

Maybe a little slap to the back of the head may help as well. "Hey snap out of it".


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Emerald said:


> A divorced woman with 4 children is NOT very attractive to single men.



Interesting..... Exactly what my exH told me when I finally decided to leave his sorry A$$!!! That as 19+ years ago. Know what? He's still ALONE!!! My current H (16+ yrs) went from bachelorhood to instant family man and will tell you today he doesn't regret a moment of it! 

OP - not saying this is what you should do, but in the event that's what you feel is best for you. There is hope in finding love again.


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