# Am I being unreasonable?



## BobVance (Feb 21, 2015)

So my wife and I recently got married and we are both rather young, I am 24 and she is 22. We are enjoying marriage very much and love each other very much. 

However I often times (and I try to be understanding as I realize she is only 22, just moved out, and lives so close to home) feel that she is overly attached to her family. I usually try to keep my mouth shut because she has never lived away from her parents until now, and I left a few years ago. We live only about 5 minutes away from her family and we are also very close to mine which is great. 

To put it into perspective as to what I mean I will give you the details of what is currently going on. 

Yesterday we attended a high-school basketball game of her brothers with her family. I didn't mind because I am glad she wanted to support her younger brother. 

Today we went out for lunch for her (first year in college) younger sisters birthday (with her family of course). Again very nice and I am not the least bit opposed to celebrating a birthday. 

Sunday we are going out again for her sisters birthday with the other side of the family.

Tonight she wishes to go to her parents house just to hang out I suppose and I personally would simply rather stay home and enjoy a Saturday night with my wife alone. 

I told her that I really don't care to go over to her parents tonight as we spent time with her family yesterday, today, and we will tomorrow. It is not that I have a problem with them but it just feels like they come first. 

I think she is way too attached to her family, I see my family very frequently as well, but I also enjoy spending time with my wife alone. 

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to go over to her familys house and feeling like she is too attached to her family? So many times I just feel like they come before me. Of course though when I bring this up I am the bad guy and I am so mean.....



I do realize this all probably sounds very childish but I just chose to pick an example that is currently happening and I was hoping for advice...

TIA!


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You want to be alone with your wife....no its not being unreasonable.


----------



## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

So basically, you both live in her parent's backyard. 

Your issue is your location. If a girl/guy doesn't leave his parent's house till they are 22, the most likely have a great connection with their parents. And then they move out to basically down the road?

At this point, my best advice is to MOVE AWAY from BOTH of your parents if you have alone time. There is really nothing else. You will resent her if she goes to her parents home rather than spending time with you. And she will resent you from you demanding her to stay with you instead of going to her parents. Just fuc*king move. The both of you got married but forgot to start the 'your own lives' part.


----------



## BobVance (Feb 21, 2015)

wise said:


> So basically, you both live in her parent's backyard.
> 
> Your issue is your location. If a girl/guy doesn't leave his parent's house till they are 22, the most likely have a great connection with their parents. And then they move out to basically down the road?
> 
> At this point, my best advice is to MOVE AWAY from BOTH of your parents if you have alone time. There is really nothing else. You will resent her if she goes to her parents home rather than spending time with you. And she will resent you from you demanding her to stay with you instead of going to her parents. Just fuc*king move. The both of you got married but forgot to start the 'your own lives' part.


Moving is not a option due to my career... I too see my parents frequently. I work with my father. But when work is over we may do something with my family once every couple weeks but hers it is a few times a week minimum. 

I don't mind being around her family I really like them and they have welcomed me into their family like I am one of their own. But it just feels like my wife would rather spend free time with them. I mean we are home together every single night obviously, but on her days off I can expect her to want to be doing something with her family..... not just her and I... It gets old.


----------



## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

Moving is always an option. You might just have to drive a little longer to get to work. 

If you stay where you are, this isn't going to just magically end because you put your foot down and demanding 'us' time. She is not 42, or 32. She is 22 years old. She has depended on her parents for 22 years. And if she lives only 5 minutes away from them, she will CONTINUE to depend on her parents. 

It does get old. I see my girl's parents maybe 5 times a year and I want to shoot myself 3 out of the 5 times. I give you credit for being so open to seeing her family all the time. 

The problem that backs up my solution is that when you 'bring up her family' problem, she bites back at you being mean which makes you the bad guy. As long as you live there, you are stuck. S t u c k. Stuck. You are going to be the bad guy or you are going to be resentful about no quality alone time. 

Maybe there are some magical words you can say that will change her thought process. 

Good luck.


----------



## Canuck99 (Jul 17, 2014)

She will probably change, give her time and more importantly be "smart" about it. If you try and push her, she will dig in and sad to say, you will be at fault. Instead, you need to come up with creative things to get her out and realize that some times you are going to fail... so maybe it takes a few months, but you get her down from 15 visits a month to 10-12. That is a win. 

Also, realize as well that sometimes there are just "go to" events that you have to go to, so some months might be bad, others pretty good. 

I think with time it will improve.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I think you will both mature and become more independent in time. Making fun times and memories with just the two of you interspersed with the family celebrations might work better than arguing. Can you plan some nice events that you both enjoy when you have free time and no family celebration? 

BTW, arguing in the early years is normal and actually a good indicator of a successful marriage. Fight fair and pick your battles.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

My husband and I married at exactly the same age as you and your wife; same situation. My husband and I both worked, so weekends for us were very important. My husband has the same view as you.

As we lived in California, he planned visits to the beach, snow skiing (during the winter), ice skating, museums, botanical gardens, and other places. This broke the habit of visiting my parents as I didn't live on my own either. You can break this habit by making fun times together without visiting either parents all the time. I agree that spending time with her parents, three days in a row, is a bit much.

We will celebrate our 35th anniversary this year. Your problem is minor. Do some fun things on your own. Best wishes to you and your new bride.


----------



## BobVance (Feb 21, 2015)

Thanks for the input thus far, and yes I realize these issues may seem minor to some but to myself they create a bigger problem if they happen time and time again. I love my wife more than anything and I am not worried about our relationship I just feel these situations put a strain on it. 

As to moving, if we hit the lottery I would suggest moving to Hawaii tomorrow but as we all know that is not a realistic situation. I can't move period. Not even a few blocks down the road. My home is part of my salary for a position on our family farm. That being said it may seem like I am attached to my family, but I simply look at the housing situation as work.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

When did you get married? Are we talking about a month, six months, a year?

You are not being unreasonable. Talk to your wife and tell her that you'd like to spend more time alone with her. You don't need to tell her that you'd like to spend less time with her family, because that's not really the issue. The issue is that you want to spend more alone time with your wife. That's okay.


----------



## Gonecrazy (Oct 12, 2014)

I don't agree with moving away. What are you going to tell her the reason for moving is. You might just lose more time from her because now she has to travel further. Just a little early marriage problem to give you some practice. Book something to do with her, a movie she might be interested in, a play or something. Keep it a surprise, and see what happens when you deliver it.

Tell her you love her and want to spend some quality time with her on the weekends. If she seems upset, ask her does she not want to spend time with you. Also remember this, you are young and don't have any kids. You can very easily pack up your bags and walk at this stage. Hanging around thinking things will get better is a bad idea. If you can't resolve problems with your lady now, leave before its too late.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Gonecrazy said:


> I don't agree with moving away. What are you going to tell her the reason for moving is. You might just lose more time from her because now she has to travel further. Just a little early marriage problem to give you some practice. Book something to do with her, a movie she might be interested in, a play or something. Keep it a surprise, and see what happens when you deliver it.
> 
> Tell her you love her and want to spend some quality time with her on the weekends. If she seems upset, ask her does she not want to spend time with you. Also remember this, you are young and don't have any kids. You can very easily pack up your bags and walk at this stage. Hanging around thinking things will get better is a bad idea. If you can't resolve problems with your lady now, leave before its too late.


:iagree:
This should be the honeymoon phase now I mean don't be rash but if this doesn't change over the next few months it may be time to reevaluate the marriage.
IF this doesn't change please don't wait and think kids will change things.
Just a yes or no is the sex life good meaning 3 to 4 days a week?


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Try to schedule a date night once a week if she backs out more times than not well...
Again give it some time.


----------



## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

Was this pattern the same before you got married, or not? According to my dad, my mom couldn't wait to see less of her parents before they married, and then after they tied the knot, she couldn't wait to see them. I guess I could chalk it up to her not knowing to how to adjust from going to one home to another.


----------



## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

Move away ,

or you will become in a sexless,rotten marriage before you even think about it ...
Soon you might be shocked that after intimacy with her - i.e from her point of view she gave you what you need- she will miss her family though she is 5mn away .

with time you will become jsut the security belt she needs in life ; 
You need to discover this at earliest conveniance ...

your fears are serious ones ; won't be cleared out unless she is completely detached ; get a good offer outside the area ; and see if she makes it a dealbreaker ; if she does , it is a red flag


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It sounds like your wife doesn't have any friends so her family fills that void. Can the two of you take up a hobby that gets you out of the house and mingling with other couples?


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Ask your dad?

But I think looking for employment elsewhere. And starting your life and finding your own way would be best. I see you work with your dad and there is nothing wrong with that . the value of experianceing you own is so valuable! 6can always come back with the experiace you have and work with dad later.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Your wife is making a big adjustment to marriage as are you. She has known a certain life for 22 years and it was/is very familiar and comfortable. Your situation needs only one thing, time. If your marriage is strong and caring your wife's feelings will migrate to your home as her place of familiarity and comfort, it will be a natural consequence.

My daughter married at your age and she was constantly at our house in the beginning. However, gradually she began "visiting" less and less and now she comes over occasionally, as one would expect. My daughter lives only a mile away. If your marriage is good then her feelings will transition but it just takes a little time.

I know in today's society most young people expect instant results and if you are of that immature mindset then quit your job, sell your house and move your wife away and forcefully demand her to conform to your wishes immediately. You may get what you want or, most likely, you may create more severe consequences and cause your wife to resent you in the process.

I personally would see your wife's hesitancy to sever from her parents a good thing in that her feelings run deep and are not easily "switched off". Therefore, in time, those same feelings will be deeply rooted into her marriage and her "new" family. You two have many more years together and will no doubt enjoy as close a family as she has with her parents, just give it some time. Express to her how you would like to spend time exclusively with her but let it progress naturally.

Also, another consideration is the benefit of having family close for support and encouragement, especially when grandchildren come along. It,s nice to have built in babysitters who are both willing and trusted.

Be patient and make your marriage the place to which your wife wants transfer her feelings and you will reap many happy years of marriage. You have your whole life ahead of you. Good fortune to the two of you.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Moving away is unnecessary (now).

Now, for her spending time with them is more interesting than spending time alone with you. Women are social creatures. For this one night I would say "I'd rather take you out to dinner than do that"... Not in a fight, not with emotion, but in a factual type way. See what she chooses in the face of knowing your opinion. Absolutely essential to not turn it into a fight. Turn it into her having complete control over deciding what she does knowing your preference.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I often see comments on these threads that couples should move away from family. Unless the family is toxic, I cannot understand that point of view. Family can be the best support system a couple could hope for. They are there for you when your babies are born and help with babysitting when you and your spouse want a night alone. Having family close has been a huge blessing in my marriage.
I agree that it takes time to adjust being in a different home from the parents. I'm still interested in how long you two have been married.
It's okay to tell her that you want her to yourself more often and to make some adjustments.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

The real problem here isn't who spends time with whom; it is you turning it into a "who is right, who is wrong" question.

You would like to spend more time alone with your wife, so carve out some "us" time. Make a plan, tell her ahead of time. You are leaving the social calendar to her, apparently, and then want veto power. Bad dynamic.

While it might seem silly to "plan" a date with your wife, the very fact of the matter is that many marriages fail b/c neither spouse does that. "We live together, we are married; why would we need to plan dates?" But the concept of a date here is, spending time enjoying one another as romantic and sexual partners. Being economic and social partners is a different thing (or house-keeping partners, etc.). 

And making a date does not have to involve $$ if that's an issue--be creative, and make an effort! But if you can spend $$, do it. All of us love to be treated in some ways, and knowing how to treat your wife--and being willing to do it--is important. Be sure to consider what *she* likes, too, not just what you want to do. Find that common ground. Invest time, energy and, if possible, money--that shows commitment. 

Good luck.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Moving away is a bit extreme. It's nice that she is close to her family. And they seem like great people, you haven't said otherwise. So two young people should uproot their careers, home and move to a start anew different city? Because you can't just move 30-60 minutes away / that isn't going to solve the problem of her going to her parents. Also, you will be happy they are close by if/when you guys start to have kids.

As you get older, you will adjust. Try to set aside at least a day per week for just the two of you. Come up with stuff to do. And when she goes to her parents can you stay home alone? Or go out with friends? No law says you have to go with her every single time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

BobVance said:


> I do realize this all probably sounds very childish but I just chose to pick an example that is currently happening and I was hoping for advice...
> TIA!


You don't sound childish to me. So long as she doesn't twist your arm to go with her every time it doesn't sound all that problematic. You may actually get used to time alone to tinker on hobbies when she's visiting family.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You didn't tell us how she reacted to spending alone time with you rather than go to her family's home.

How long did you date before marrying? I am guessing that your dating life included spending lots of time with her family. Did you expect her to change that dynamic by getting married?

My daughter is your age. She is very much in love with a young man who is extremely attached to his Mother. She accepts this - for now anyway but I worry if they marry will she suddenly not accept this & will it cause problems because she will expect him to spend less time with his Mother because they are "married."

Also, her family could lay guilt on her if she doesn't to continue to see them as much since marrying (could be very subtle). I myself struggled with not seeing my daughter as much since she got with this boyfriend. I am guilty of making "comments" but have learned to back off.


----------



## BobVance (Feb 21, 2015)

We dated for 7 years before we got married. "High School Sweethearts"... Before we got married we did spend a lot of time with her family as she lived with them. More times than not when we just hung out she would come over to my place instead of us being at her parents as we had freedom but we did spend a lot of time with her family. She lived with them so of course we did and I typically didn't mind one bit. 

I guess I feel like nothing has changed except for the fact that we sleep together every night, and can have sex without feeling guilty (we are both christians). 

We had a discussion last night and it was a waste of time to try and talk about this. She acted as if she cared about my feelings but literally an hour ago she ditched me to go shopping with her family after we got done eating together with them. I have to take care of stuff at home and she saw no problem with just getting in their vehicle and telling me they would just drop her off on their way home. 

This has me very upset as I told her last night how I feel then she pulls a stunt like this. 

I really wouldn't care if she went shopping with her family, but considering last night she heard my feelings and then less than a day later she sends me home alone so she can spend time with her family...

She sees no problem in having me drive home alone and does not see how it is rude.. Like I said I normally wouldn't care or I would go along for shopping but I have bills to pay, a puppy at home that needed walked, and many other odds and ins to do around the house. I guess I am just a little shocked she would think this is fine considering what we discussed.

Realize this is just one particular example.. but this type of thing is the norm.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Did you clearly ask her to spend today alone with you? Did she say no? I think you are not being clear enough with her because you don't want her to be mad or upset with you. I know you talked about your feelings & she appears to have blown them off.

This is not going to get better. Make a full-day plan to do stuff next weekend that she enjoys & that does not involve her family. If she complains about it or doesn't want to do it, then I suggest marriage counseling because she is not ready to be married. I'm sorry.


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Emerald said:


> Did you clearly ask her to spend today alone with you? Did she say no? I think you are not being clear enough with her because you don't want her to be mad or upset with you. I know you talked about your feelings & she appears to have blown them off.
> 
> This is not going to get better. Make a full-day plan to do stuff next weekend that she enjoys & that does not involve her family. If she complains about it or doesn't want to do it, then I suggest marriage counseling because *she is not ready to be married*. I'm sorry.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

How does her going home with you make a difference with the bill paying you want to do? Why is is so important that she be at home while you pay the bills? 

Why not do the bill paying on Tuesday nights and *you make a plan for *Sunday afternoon with your wife? She might not have gone shopping with her family if you had already planned something for the two of you instead of just going home to pay bills.

*If you want to spend more quality time with your wife, plan it yourself.* Don't make zero plans and then expect your wife to turn down invitations with her family.

It really sounds like you have been waiting for her to make plans for the two of you when that isn't how it's ever been. 

Are you homebody while she is more social? Are you expecting her to choose to stay home with you on weekends like she does during weekdays, whereas she considers weekends an opportunity to socialize with family and friends? You may have to accept your differences in your respective needs for socializing.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your wife is playing at being married. She does sound immature. Perhaps you can ask her why she bothered to marry you since she wants to spend all her free time with her family.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It isn't his job to make sure she's constantly entertained. If she can't find something to do while he is paying bills & whatnot, something is wrong. They need to learn to be together even when there are no exciting plans.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> It isn't his job to make sure she's constantly entertained. If she can't find something to do while he is paying bills & whatnot, something is wrong. They need to learn to be together even when there are no exciting plans.


Yeah, I guess I don't see the point of her finding something else to do in the house while he's paying bills on a Sunday afternoon. That isn't quality time. That's him sitting in front of a computer while she, what? Watches him? 

And he said they spend their weeknights together all week long. So it isn't a matter of not being able to spend time together when there are no exciting plans. They do that non-exciting time together all week long.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The point of a quiet Sunday afternoon is to enjoy each others company. While he's paying bills, she can be baking up a pan of brownies or cookies. Or, chatting about politics, the weather or what have you. It also provides ample opportunity for lovemaking.


----------



## BobVance (Feb 21, 2015)

I'm not saying I wish for her to be home in boredom while I pay bills. My point is we had family time with her family Friday night, yesterday, this morning, and apparently we must go over to family's house this evening because bringing her sisters birthday gift to breakfast wouldn't have made any sense at all..... 

Instead of her spending time with them now I just assumed she might rather simply go home with me as the entire weekend has revolved around what her family is doing. I have never once suggested we don't go out to celebrate her sisters birthday, nor would i ever...but her obviously not wanting to take the gift to breakfast just so she can go to her parents house later is an issue for me. I mean I feel like she doesnt want to have a life of our own and we just have to whatever her family and younger siblings are doing. 

Wheather we might be at home paying bills or climbing a mountian I don't see what it matters. I would prefer to spend time with my wife not her family all the time.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I have a feeling that you might not be directly communicating exactly what your expectations are.
Also, as norajane pointed out, you were paying bills and walking the dog, but expected your wife to be there with you when you did your chores. Why? Does she normally walk the dog with you? Did you expect her to also do her chores?
I like the idea of setting aside a day that is only for the two of you, but you have to have clear expectations of what you want to do on those days. It should not be something like you paying bills or any type of chores.


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Bob,

We teach others how to treat us. Sometimes "talking" about our feelings just doesn't do the trick.

You're here stating an obvious attack on your boundaries. She is ignoring your wish completely. What do you want to do about it?

What is the consequence of her unloving gesture? 

If I were you, I would stop going to all her family functions. You can be very open about it with them too. Let them know that until you feel comfortable with your wife's level of respect for your marriage, you will have to politely decline any involvement in future gatherings/events. She can do as she pleases, and that will show you where she stands.

Give her a timeframe of 2 to 3 months and observe her behavior. If it's not up to *your *liking (it's your life, not anyone else's), then you should quickly reevaluate your choices and decide whether staying with a woman so dismissive of your feelings is something you want to commit to. 

This is a good test and at a good time for you. I hope you both pass it, but I have a feeling your wife is not a mature enough person for marriage. Unfortunately most marriages with at least one immature partner end up in a rot (divorce or a lifetime of unhappiness).

You seem to have a good head on your body. Use it and be firm about your boundaries.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

So my question to you Bob is can you put a finger on the part that's rubbing you the most wrong? So far it sounds like you think she's just being a little indifferent towards you. Be careful because this can come across to her as you being insecure and then you will have a problem.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Bob, you guys are newlyweds. It will take time to adjust to living together. And for your wife living apart from her family. 

Be clear with your needs and wants. Communicate with her. She doesn't think she is doing anything wrong. And she isn't doing anything wrong, not really anyway. Her family was going shopping, asked her to come, she did because she felt there was nothing else going on. 

Again, as others have suggested. Set clear expectations that the two of you have plans each saturday or Sunday to spend time alone. Either day trip, movies, or stay in and shut the curtains. But have a plan.

The worst thing you can do is say I want us to stay in and not go to your parents and then sit inside and watch tv, play video games all day (extreme example). She will quickly resent that and resent you.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Bob,

This absolutely is a legitimate issue. And I understand why you are frustrated. 

That said your only real option is to decide how much of this YOU will participate in.

It is a huge mistake to try to pressure someone to spend less time with others and more time with you. 

Instead, you decide how many of these family visits/events each week you will join in and tell her to enjoy the rest if she elects to go without you. 

But the key thing is that you need to make good use of your time when you don't join her. Spend it with your friends and family. Develop a hobby. 

Do not sit at home resentfully awaiting her return. Don't ever call her asking when she is coming home. 

The more engaged you are with outside friends and hobbies the happier you'll be and the more she will WANT to spend time with you. 





BobVance said:


> So my wife and I recently got married and we are both rather young, I am 24 and she is 22. We are enjoying marriage very much and love each other very much.
> 
> However I often times (and I try to be understanding as I realize she is only 22, just moved out, and lives so close to home) feel that she is overly attached to her family. I usually try to keep my mouth shut because she has never lived away from her parents until now, and I left a few years ago. We live only about 5 minutes away from her family and we are also very close to mine which is great.
> 
> ...


----------

