# New Here - Contemplating Divorce (long story TIA)



## neonfirefly (Nov 2, 2020)

Hey everyone. I have a bit to unpack here, TIA if you read to the end.

Long story short: I'm contemplating divorcing my husband of 3 years. We have been together for 7. A variety of things are making me consider this, explored in detail below. I love my husband, but I don't know if the marriage is right for me anymore.

1. Sex life - when we first started dating, we had great sex all the time. For the past 4-5 years, I'd say sex 7 times per year is a generous estimate. I still get aroused and masturbate, I just don't want to have sex with my husband. There are 2 reasons for this: 1) he has put on a decent amount of weight and complains about it, but does nothing to lose the weight 2) around the time we stopped having a lot of sex he was really drunk and tried to force sex when I didn't want to have sex that night. I just wasn't in the mood that night and he was blasted. He stopped trying after I yelled at him.

2. Life goals - he is pursuing his Italian citizenship and I support him in this, but he also wants me to get the citizenship. I'm not sure if I want this and I really want to try to get permanent residency in Japan (we lived there previously, more on that later). I don't want to make him choose between his dream (Italy) and mine (Japan). I know he would abandon his dreams if I asked him too. That makes me uncomfortable.

3. One-sided - every relationship I've been in, there comes a point when I realize my partner loves me more than I love them and they are willing to sacrifice more. I'm at that point.

Some helpful back story - we lived in Japan in 2017. We got married before moving over seas so our company would allow us to live together. If we hadn't moved to Japan, I would have waited longer to get married (if at all - I had 2 other engagements before my husband and wasn't super keen on the idea of marriage).

It has been my dream for almost 15 years to live there and every second was amazing. Unfortunately, we had to leave abruptly because my BIL committed suicide. My family is very important to me and I made the decision to support my sister. I do not regret this decision at all. My husband told me recently that he felt like he didn't exist for the first year after my BIL death because I was coping with grief (still am) and taking care of my sister. It's almost been 2 years since BIL's suicide and it has really made me question what I want in life. My husband and I have been coping in very different ways and it has really brought out some of our differences. I feel so guilty for even thinking about this because he has been there to support me through my toughest times in the last 2 years.

Thanks for reading to the end. I appreciate anything you have to say. <3


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

This is very simple. You should not be married. You should be in Japan. You didn't really want to get married. You defiitely do not love your husband enough. You love Japan more. You said it yourself - just like your past relationships you have reached a stage where your husband loves you more than you love him.

So what's the problem ? Divorce and go to Japan. And set your husband free to find someone who truly loves him.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Having lived in Japan myself I can say it is an awesome place! On the other hand with all the problems in Italy... I’d never go there.

Get the divorce and move on


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Mr.Married said:


> Having lived in Japan myself I can say it is an awesome place! On the other hand with all the problems in Italy... I’d never go there.
> 
> Get the divorce and move on


I have exactly the opposite feeling. I couldn't stay in Japan longer than a week or two - not my cup of tea with the overcrowding in the cities, the weird behaviour in general etc. Italy on the other hand, I found to be wonderful, amazing and one of the best places in Europe for many things.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Selfish people shouldn't get married. Being selfish is not a terrible thing but is definitely problematic in relationships because it's the opposite of what marriage is all about. I'm not really sure why it wasn't possible for you to be a wife and a sister at the same time. I only know that to neglect your husband for your sister's sake to the point that he felt abandoned was a selfish decision. You make me wonder what the word "love" means to you because none of what you told us contains any love for your husband other than stating the words. It just sounds like he served your purpose for a time and you married for convenience, and now he doesn't serve that purpose and the marriage is no longer convenient. So he's dispensable. Sounds like a box of Pampers. I feel terrible for him to have invested himself for no reason.


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