# Best friends during seperation ???



## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

Ok I am new here. First post actually. I am so lost right now. I am looking for some solid advice. 

Together 10 years married 8 years. 

2 children 6yo boy 13yo stepdaughter. 

Seperared 2 months. She moved out of home.

She had an affair. I forgave. Things got better then BAM. She says she's not happy and leaves fast. 

I wanted to work on she doesn't. She has many different reason for leaving. 

She now has a boyfriend. 

She wants to be best friends. 

Since the split we have spent a lot of time together with kids and without kids. No sex. 

But i don't know what to do now that she has boyfriend. It hurts. 

I thought us spending time together would be good for reconciliation. 

She told boyfriend she would still spend time with me and is ok with it. 

We split time with kids bills etc. No lawyers. No seperation agreement signed.

I love any time we spend together or talk or text. 

Tried 180 but trying to be best friends and doing 180 doesn't work. 

We work for same company. Boyfriend does too. Yet we have not told anyone at work we are seperared. Wichita makes it hard for me to move on. 

I have been there for her when she needs. 

I don't know what to do. 

Try to be friends hoping for possible reconciliation? 

Go complete 180?

Go no contact?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Here is what I suggest...
Expose this guy at work do not tell your wife.
File for d and serve her at work.
ONLY text about the kids.
Oh and expose to her and your family.
This is truly sad I'm sorry.
Going hard on her now may be the only chance of getting her back.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Divorce her sorry cheating ass. She is your enemy. What kind of friend hurts their friend the way she is hurting you? 

Stand up for yourself for once. Take back your self esteem that she trampled on. 

Buy the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy". Read it. It will change your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Divorce her sorry cheating ass. She is your enemy. What kind of friend hurts their friend the way she is hurting you?
> 
> Stand up for yourself for once. Take back your self esteem that she trampled on.
> 
> ...


I will check out that book. 

Guy at work is not the man she cheated on me with. This relationship started after the separation supposedly. 

I probably should do a better back story.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

lilbrokenhearted said:


> I will check out that book.
> 
> Guy at work is not the man she cheated on me with. This relationship started after the separation supposedly.
> 
> ...


That's fine. But if you read the other Threads in CWI you will find that your story is not unusual or all that special. It's the same script over and over, except most betrayed husbands we have seen come through here have not put up with as much as you without having filed for divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

yeah my ex wife tried to pull that crap on me. they only want to stay friends to easy their guilt. friends dont pull the crap she did on other friends.

with friends like her who needs enemies? really think about it. be civil thats all that is called for. you are not her friend she fired you from that position. trust me the best thing for you is to cut her out of your life unless it has to do with the kids.

because if you stay friends then the cheating couldnt have been that bad or you would not want to be her friend (thats how they think)


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

Here is some more back story:

I have been Mr nice guy through whole thing. Mainly for kids and R.

I have given her money to leave. She can't afford what she got herself into. I stopped as I am broke too. 

I forgot to mention she left me with all the bills past due.

She didn't want child support or alimony. I chose to give child support regardless. 

My stepdaughter lost here dad due to divorce now he is not a part of her life. I have become here dad and will continue to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

I know she cares. 

She always wants to take care of me. Help me do things etc. If I do something with out her she doesn't like that. 

She says she worries about me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Mr White Knight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

the story dont change a thing buddy sorry. i had a 5 month old son at home when mine figured the bars then her new man were way more important. you are getting great advice from tom and bandit. trust me i know its hard but follow exactly what they say and you may get her back if not you will move on quicker wich will be better for your kids.


i wish tam was around when mine started cheating on me man was i a pathetic loser at first trying to get her back.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

lilbrokenhearted said:


> I know she cares.
> 
> She always wants to take care of me. Help me do things etc. If I do something with out her she doesn't like that.
> 
> ...



No, she does not care. All those things she does for you are merely to assuage her guilt for being a merciless wh0re.

Man you really are naive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

Also I am an alcoholic. Sober 10 years strong.

I do not have many friends. Need to make some. 

Dating is hard when you don't drink.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

right now it is all talk she DOES not care or she would not have stuck a knife in your back when she cheated and left. right now dont listen to her words they will all be lies.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Is the skank still living with you or is she shacking up with her lover?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

lilbrokenhearted said:


> Also I am an alcoholic. Sober 10 years strong.
> 
> I do not have many friends. Need to make some.
> 
> ...


I'm a thirty six year alcoholic in recovery. I don't drink and I still date and get laid. You're full of excuses.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

lilbrokenhearted said:


> Here is some more back story:
> 
> I have been Mr nice guy through whole thing. Mainly for kids and R.
> 
> ...


Take care of you right now.
The step daughter is your choice take your time.
Stop with the small talk with her.
She really sounds messed up imo.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

you were like me man and like i said i was pathetic i got the i still care dont know what i want and when i would talk to her family THEY i mean THEY told me she is a lying pos and to divorce her.

so one morrning woke up went to lawyer started the D then went to the tattoo parlor and got a tattoo of a knife sticking out of my back with the ex wifes name in the handle,10 years later im living really well remarried, ex married and leaches of the state never any money completly miserable and me im HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> I'm a thirty six year alcoholic in recovery. I don't drink and I still date and get laid. You're full of excuses.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Excuses for what?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

tom67 said:


> Take care of you right now.
> The step daughter is your choice take your time.
> Stop with the small talk with her.
> She really sounds messed up imo.


hi

I am very much taking care of me right now. 

Fixing and cleaning up house. 

I run and exercise daily.

Getting finances on track.

My stepdaughter has been my daughter for 10 years a d she will continue to be regardless of what happens.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Its doubtful you know the full story of the affair. Its doubtful you know the full story about her current relationship. You are not best friends, she more than likely would like to remain friendly but that’s about it and don’t expect that to last forever either.

Right now the boyfriend could care less if you are spending time with her, though he probably isn’t getting the truth either. He is getting what he wants and you are paying the bills, its just fun for him. 

You should break off all contact with her except for talk about and only about the children or a divorce. Your accepting the situation, your telling her she can do whatever she pleases and you will just hang around waiting. What incentive does she have to change? 

She isn’t your friend, you cant be her friend at least right now. Start doing the 180 which will start to give you some emotional distance so you can more objectively look at what is going on.


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

State law:

Must be seperared one year before D.

I do want to get seperation agreement signed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

lilbrokenhearted said:


> Excuses for what?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not dating, no friends, no life outside of your devotion to a lying, backstabbing cheater. Those are choices you have made. If you want a social life then go out and make one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

honcho said:


> Its doubtful you know the full story of the affair. Its doubtful you know the full story about her current relationship. You are not best friends, she more than likely would like to remain friendly but that’s about it and don’t expect that to last forever either.
> 
> Right now the boyfriend could care less if you are spending time with her, though he probably isn’t getting the truth either. He is getting what he wants and you are paying the bills, its just fun for him.
> 
> ...


I'm sure I do not know all the details of past or current situations. 

I'm not paying any of her bills.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Not dating, no friends, no life outside of your devotion to a lying, backstabbing cheater. Those are choices you have made. If you want a social life then go out and make one.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow. Don't hold back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Not dating, no friends, no life outside of your devotion to a lying, backstabbing cheater. Those are choices you have made. If you want a social life then go out and make one.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am slowly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

You guys are brutal. 

I love it. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

lilbrokenhearted said:


> Wow. Don't hold back.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just telling you what you need to hear. Who else has leveled with you throughout this charade of a marriage you are in? 

Would you rather we here blow sunshine up your skirt and tell you all the same warm and fuzzy feel-good crap your wayward wife has been feeding you? You are getting played for a fool and you need to wake up from your stupor and take back your life and destiny.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Just telling you what you need to hear. Who else has leveled with you throughout this charade of a marriage you are in?
> 
> Would you rather we here blow sunshine up your skirt and tell you all the same warm and fuzzy feel-good crap your wayward wife has been feeding you? You are getting played for a fool and you need to wake up from your stupor and take back your life and destiny.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks this is exactly what I need.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Sometimes you just got to say it like people see it. Its not a matter of being brutal or holding back. 

“I forgot to mention she left me with all the bills past due” you also gave her money till you were broke also. The boytoys haven’t been paying for anything, they just have fun. 

You will never nice her back to you. She must start to believe she has lost you before she will ever begin to look at her situation differently. She doesn’t care about you right now. Really no one in the world who “cares” would be putting you or any of us BS in this pickle.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

honcho said:


> Sometimes you just got to say it like people see it. Its not a matter of being brutal or holding back.
> 
> “I forgot to mention she left me with all the bills past due” you also gave her money till you were broke also. The boytoys haven’t been paying for anything, they just have fun.
> 
> You will never nice her back to you. She must start to believe she has lost you before she will ever begin to look at her situation differently. She doesn’t care about you right now. Really no one in the world who “cares” would be putting you or any of us BS in this pickle.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

I am thinking i should start back on the 180 slowly. Get seperation agreement signed. Then graduate to only contact regarding children.

Read some book ( recommendations ?? )

Continue exercising. 

Continue working on finances and home.

Work on social life ( recommendations ??).

Expose our seperation at work. Not my business exposing her bf. That will show itself soon enough and make herself look bad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lilbrokenhearted said:


> Ok I am new here. First post actually. I am so lost right now. I am looking for some solid advice.
> 
> Together 10 years married 8 years.
> 
> ...


Sounds like you forgave the affair and then proceeded to rugsweep it. What, if any consequences were imposed as a result of her affair?



lilbrokenhearted said:


> I wanted to work on she doesn't. She has many different reason for leaving.


OK, so what were her reasons for leaving?



lilbrokenhearted said:


> She now has a boyfriend.


I am shocked!



lilbrokenhearted said:


> She wants to be best friends.


Of course she does. This accomplishes the following for her...

* It lets her keep you on standby as a solid "Plan B" in case her boyfriend du jour does work out. 

* It keeps you on the hook as a reliable provider and caretaker for her older kid.

* It helps her in terms of divesting herself of any guilt that she may feel for her affair(s).



lilbrokenhearted said:


> Since the split we have spent a lot of time together with kids and without kids. No sex.


Don't count on the sex returning anytime soon.



lilbrokenhearted said:


> But i don't know what to do now that she has boyfriend. It hurts.
> 
> I thought us spending time together would be good for reconciliation.


OK, first things first... There's not going to be any reconciliation as long as she's getting plowed regularly by another guy. 

Reconciliation isn't something that "just happens", and you can't just "will" her back into love w/ you. In addition to _110% commitment from both spouses_, true reconciliation requires a very focused, intentional, and structured approach. Being a "nice guy" and p*ssyfooting around w/ a soft-handed approach isn't going to do a damn thing for you.



lilbrokenhearted said:


> She told boyfriend she would still spend time with me and is ok with it.


Wow, what a great guy, and what a great deal for him! He doesn't have to listen to any of her bullsh*t, deal w/ or provide for her or her children, and he _still_ gets to sex her up!



lilbrokenhearted said:


> We split time with kids bills etc. No lawyers. No seperation agreement signed.


To hell w/ a separation agreement. File for divorce, citing her infidelity as the cause. Seriously, you're not going to "nice" her back to you. Hell, that may be why she left you in the first place.

And remember... Filing for divorce doesn't necessarily mean divorce, as you can put the brakes on it at pretty much any time. But don't do that if she's not doing all that she can to rebuild your marriage.



lilbrokenhearted said:


> I love any time we spend together or talk or text.


Right now you're little more than an emotional anchor for her. You're essentially helping her to maintain her carefully-manicured self-image while she's out giving the goods to other men. I don't know that you're in last place in whatever race you think you're running, but you're definitely not doing any better than third. And worse, once you get to the finish line, you're going to be forced to hand out trophies to pretty much everyone that finished ahead of you.



lilbrokenhearted said:


> Tried 180 but trying to be best friends and doing 180 doesn't work.


The point of the 180 is not to bring a WS (i.e. "wayward spouse", in this case, your wife) back into a marriage, though that side-effect is often seen. The primary purpose of the 180 is for the BS (i.e. "betrayed spouse", in this case, you) to detach from his/her WS so that he/she can start to move on w/ his/her life.



lilbrokenhearted said:


> We work for same company. Boyfriend does too. Yet we have not told anyone at work we are seperared. Wichita makes it hard for me to move on.


What a mess. I wouldn't start shouting it to anyone within earshot, but pulling a hard 180 should make it pretty obvious to everyone that your marriage is on the rocks.



lilbrokenhearted said:


> I have been there for her when she needs.


Stop doing this. Seriously.



lilbrokenhearted said:


> I don't know what to do.


180



lilbrokenhearted said:


> Try to be friends hoping for possible reconciliation?


No. This will not work. At all. Hell, you're seeing it now!



lilbrokenhearted said:


> Go complete 180?


Yes



lilbrokenhearted said:


> Go no contact?


No contact on anything except for the kids. Do you work together closely at work? Either way, avoid her to the extent possible at work as well. Get your work done, but don't engage her in any conversation that doesn't concern either work or the kids.

Read the 180, then read it again. Then read it again and again and again and again and again. Learn it inside and out, and then do it.

Also, stop supporting her life choices. If you want to remain a father to your stepchild, there's nothing wrong w/ that. Did you ever adopt?

Where are the kids living? If they're w/ you, you shouldn't be giving her money at all -- she should be giving money to you.


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

honcho said:


> Sometimes you just got to say it like people see it. Its not a matter of being brutal or holding back.
> 
> “I forgot to mention she left me with all the bills past due” you also gave her money till you were broke also. The boytoys haven’t been paying for anything, they just have fun.
> 
> You will never nice her back to you. She must start to believe she has lost you before she will ever begin to look at her situation differently. She doesn’t care about you right now. Really no one in the world who “cares” would be putting you or any of us BS in this pickle.


Now that's is putting things I new light I never noticed. Thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lilbrokenhearted said:


> Also I am an alcoholic. Sober 10 years strong.
> 
> I do not have many friends. Need to make some.
> 
> Dating is hard when you don't drink.


Dating is not hard when you don't drink. Just chose women who don't drink.

So an online dating profile saying that you don't drink . There will be plenty of women who appreciate that.

Don't go to bars to meet women. Take a look at Find your people - Meetup find activities that you like that do not involve drinking. Most of the ones around here don't . Go out and have fun. Meet people. Somewhere along the way you will meet someone who does not drink that you also like.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

lilbrokenhearted said:


> Now that's is putting things I new light I never noticed. Thank you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If she has money problems, tell her the boyfriend can take care of her.
Better yet you tell him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lilbrokenhearted said:


> Expose our seperation at work. Not my business exposing her bf. That will show itself soon enough and make herself look bad.


Why do you have to expose your separation at work? Not sure I'd do that. Do not mess with her work.


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Why do you have to expose your separation at work? Not sure I'd do that. Do not mess with her work.


She works at the home office. I work out in the field.

Here is an example.

The other day 2 women were flirting hard with me (calling me a DILF). Manager who knows my ex comes over and says " lilbrokenhearted how did you get such a hot wife" and keeps carrying on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

No you should not slowly ease back into the 180, just do it. Push her to sign the separation agreement, she wanted this afterall, keep reminding her of that. She is playing in a fantasyworld right now and the quicker you bring the real life back the better off you will be and the less prepared she will be.


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

Keep in mind we are all strangers who don't really have the whole picture of what your previous relationship with your wife was so I think people are being overly harsh. You sound like a really nice guy who wants to do the best by everyone. 

I remain very good friends with my xhb. Our divorce was finalised last month and since separation we have always kept things friendly because we have a young child and he has and always will be our priority. You don't need to get nasty or have no contact, you have kids so it is in their best interests to stay friendly. 

You need to acknowledge though that your relationship is over. There will be no reconciliation as she has obviously moved on. You don't need to be best friends with her but it is definitely possible to be friends with each other despite what everyone else on here says. I am so grateful that my xhb and I are still close because our child won't be traumatised by our separation by seeing parents hating each other and fighting like most people who divorce. 

Agree with Elegirl re meetups. They are fantastic for meeting people and don't have anything to do with drinking.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

honcho said:


> No you should not slowly ease back into the 180, just do it. Push her to sign the separation agreement, she wanted this afterall, keep reminding her of that. She is playing in a fantasyworld right now and the quicker you bring the real life back the better off you will be and the less prepared she will be.


Do not wait please you will regret it.

And yes I am serious have a very matter of fact with her bf. Just say she is his problem now while you have a smirk on your face.
Remember no emotion.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lilbrokenhearted said:


> She works at the home office. I work out in the field.
> 
> Here is an example.
> 
> The other day 2 women were flirting hard with me (calling me a DILF). Manager who knows my ex comes over and says " lilbrokenhearted how did you get such a hot wife" and keeps carrying on.


OK so the answer is "We are separated." You are not divorced so technically she is not your ex.


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

> Sounds like you forgave the affair and then proceeded to rugsweep it. What, if any consequences were imposed as a result of her affair?


None I guess



> I am shocked!


Why?



> Of course she does. This accomplishes the following for her...
> 
> * It lets her keep you on standby as a solid "Plan B" in case her boyfriend du jour does work out.
> 
> ...


She already gets child support from birth father.



> Don't count on the sex returning anytime soon.


I'm not



> Reconciliation isn't something that "just happens", and you can't just "will" her back into love w/ you. In addition to _110% commitment from both spouses_, true reconciliation requires a very focused, intentional, and structured approach. Being a "nice guy" and p*ssyfooting around w/ a soft-handed approach isn't going to do a damn thing for you.


So I am learning.



> To hell w/ a separation agreement. File for divorce, citing her infidelity as the cause. Seriously, you're not going to "nice" her back to you. Hell, that may be why she left you in the first place.


We live in a separation State




> The point of the 180 is not to bring a WS (i.e. "wayward spouse", in this case, your wife) back into a marriage, though that side-effect is often seen. The primary purpose of the 180 is for the BS (i.e. "betrayed spouse", in this case, you) to detach from his/her WS so that he/she can start to move on w/ his/her life.


I know the purpose of the 180 and was reading it almost everyday. I will continue to do so.




> Stop doing this. Seriously


.

I did



> 180


I plan to.



> No. This will not work. At all. Hell, you're seeing it now!


Agreed!



> No contact on anything except for the kids. Do you work together closely at work? Either way, avoid her to the extent possible at work as well. Get your work done, but don't engage her in any conversation that doesn't concern either work or the kids.


We do not work closely.



> Also, stop supporting her life choices. If you want to remain a father to your stepchild, there's nothing wrong w/ that. Did you ever adopt?


I will continue to father her, no I did not adopt.



> Where are the kids living? If they're w/ you, you shouldn't be giving her money at all -- she should be giving money to you.


They spent equal time with both of us.


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

> Keep in mind we are all strangers who don't really have the whole picture of what your previous relationship with your wife was so I think people are being overly harsh. You sound like a really nice guy who wants to do the best by everyone.


True there is much more to the story. Thank you. I am truly trying to be nice about the whole thing.



> I remain very good friends with my xhb. Our divorce was finalised last month and since separation we have always kept things friendly because we have a young child and he has and always will be our priority. You don't need to get nasty or have no contact, you have kids so it is in their best interests to stay friendly.


My parents did the same thing once they divorced.



> You need to acknowledge though that your relationship is over. There will be no reconciliation as she has obviously moved on. You don't need to be best friends with her but it is definitely possible to be friends with each other despite what everyone else on here says. I am so grateful that my xhb and I are still close because our child won't be traumatised by our separation by seeing parents hating each other and fighting like most people who divorce.


I am having a very hard time letting go and moving on.



> Agree with Elegirl re meetups. They are fantastic for meeting people and don't have anything to do with drinking.


Thank you I will look into this!


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

tom67 said:


> Do not wait please you will regret it.
> 
> And yes I am serious have a very matter of fact with her bf. Just say she is his problem now while you have a smirk on your face.
> Remember no emotion.


I will not wait. But I will not do it all at once. 

I do not think me having a face to face with the BF is a good idea. That will put her over the top and then things will get messy. He is a smart guy, he will figure it out soon enough.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

lilbrokenhearted said:


> I will not wait. But I will not do it all at once.
> 
> I do not think me having a face to face with the BF is a good idea. That will put her over the top and then things will get messy. He is a smart guy, he will figure it out soon enough.


If you confront him he may get cold feet and realize she is not worth it.
Plus he will know you are not one to f*k with.
Make this affair difficult for them.
Things will get messy anyway sorry.


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

honcho said:


> No you should not slowly ease back into the 180, just do it. Push her to sign the separation agreement, she wanted this afterall, keep reminding her of that. She is playing in a fantasyworld right now and the quicker you bring the real life back the better off you will be and the less prepared she will be.


I fear rushing into these thing will put her over the top and things will get messy. 

Just found out its now serious between her and BF.


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

tom67 said:


> If you confront him he may get cold feet and realize she is not worth it.
> Plus he will know you are not one to f*k with.
> Make this affair difficult for them.
> Things will get messy anyway sorry.


They have been friends long before we separated. 

How do I make it difficult for them?

I refuse to be the one to make it messy.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

lilbrokenhearted said:


> I fear rushing into these thing will put her over the top and things will get messy.
> 
> Just found out its now serious between her and BF.


Sigh...
All the more reason to expose this.:banghead::banghead:


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

lilbrokenhearted said:


> They have been friends long before we separated.
> 
> How do I make it difficult for them?
> 
> I refuse to be the one to make it messy.


Okay it's your life these are just suggestions good luck moving forward.


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

tom67 said:


> Sigh...
> All the more reason to expose this.:banghead::banghead:


I had a feeling you would say that.


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

tom67 said:


> Okay it's your life these are just suggestions good luck moving forward.


I will move on. 

And I truly thank you far all you advice. 

I am taking everything mentioned here into consideration.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You cannot "nice" her back this is a fact.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Things are already messy. You don’t have to get mean or be nasty. The 180 isnt about that. Your fear of rushing will push her over the top is the very thing that will push her, your fear. She must see that you are willing to take a stand, show her that your life will continue without her. You will be a good father, you will have a good life. She needs to believe that and so do you. 

The longer you play the nice game the more confidence she will gain in her new life and the more it will keep you attached to her emotionally. She knows she can come back to you at anytime so what incentive does she have to change and work on the issues of the marriage? She made a choice to follow this path, you did not force her down it. 

“They have been friends long before we separated” This only reinforces how you don’t have near the full story yet.


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

tom67 said:


> If you confront him he may get cold feet and realize she is not worth it.
> Plus he will know you are not one to f*k with.
> Make this affair difficult for them.
> Things will get messy anyway sorry.


He said this bf wasn't the AP so he's not the guilty party, so why would he need to be confronted or abused..or did I miss something?

Some people just aren't compatible. Why is everyone so keen to get angry and abusive..some people do actually have the ability to remain civil. 

I'm really sorry for the pain you're going through, but I think you need to start accepting that it's over, get counseling if you are open to that. File for divorce and try to make a happy life for yourself, she's not your responsibility any more. I think it's completely self defeating to try to make her life hell, it will just make you end up hating each other and the children will be the ones to suffer..not worth it.


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

tom67 said:


> You cannot "nice" her back this is a fact.


I know


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

honcho said:


> Things are already messy. You don’t have to get mean or be nasty. The 180 isnt about that. Your fear of rushing will push her over the top is the very thing that will push her, your fear. She must see that you are willing to take a stand, show her that your life will continue without her. You will be a good father, you will have a good life. She needs to believe that and so do you.
> 
> The longer you play the nice game the more confidence she will gain in her new life and the more it will keep you attached to her emotionally. She knows she can come back to you at anytime so what incentive does she have to change and work on the issues of the marriage? She made a choice to follow this path, you did not force her down it.
> 
> “They have been friends long before we separated” This only reinforces how you don’t have near the full story yet.


I agree....


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Anomnom said:


> He said this bf wasn't the AP so he's not the guilty party, so why would he need to be confronted or abused..or did I miss something?
> 
> Some people just aren't compatible. Why is everyone so keen to get angry and abusive..some people do actually have the ability to remain civil.
> 
> I'm really sorry for the pain you're going through, but I think you need to start accepting that it's over, get counseling if you are open to that. File for divorce and try to make a happy life for yourself, she's not your responsibility any more. I think it's completely self defeating to try to make her life hell, it will just make you end up hating each other and the children will be the ones to suffer..not worth it.


The fact that this dooshbag is dating a still married is enough for me if it was the other way around he would have been the devil.


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

> He said this bf wasn't the AP so he's not the guilty party, so why would he need to be confronted or abused..or did I miss something?


You are correct, thank you for paying attention.



> Some people just aren't compatible. Why is everyone so keen to get angry and abusive..some people do actually have the ability to remain civil.


I want to do everything to remain civil. I know what will set her off and I am trying to avoid those things.



> I'm really sorry for the pain you're going through, but I think you need to start accepting that it's over, get counseling if you are open to that. File for divorce and try to make a happy life for yourself, she's not your responsibility any more. I think it's completely self defeating to try to make her life hell, it will just make you end up hating each other and the children will be the ones to suffer..not worth it.


You seem to see things the same way I do, Thank you.


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

tom67 said:


> The fact that this dooshbag is dating a still married is enough for me if it was the other way around he would have been the devil.


So very true. I think the same thing about him....

They are perfect for each other....LOL


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

If you're looking to make things difficult for your WW and her boyfriend, then the best way to do it would be to withdraw from her a la the 180. Once you're no longer there to be her emotional landline, he'll get the full brunt of her bullsh*t. Let's see how long he sticks around after that.

And hey, if winds up staying for the long haul, WHO GIVES A SH*T?!? He'll have done you a huge favor by taking her off your hands.

Seriously, implement the 180 and start living your life for you and your kids. Let her do whatever the f*ck she wants, and let her be accountable for it.


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

What is the rules on seperation and dating? 

Should I take back her house key? 

Do i approach her regarding not being best friends?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> If you're looking to make things difficult for your WW and her boyfriend, then the best way to do it would be to withdraw from her a la the 180. Once you're no longer there to be her emotional landline, he'll get the full brunt of her bullsh*t. Let's see how long he sticks around after that.
> 
> And hey, if winds up staying for the long haul, WHO GIVES A SH*T?!? He'll have done you a huge favor by taking her off your hands.
> 
> Seriously, implement the 180 and start living your life for you and your kids. Let her do whatever the f*ck she wants, and let her be accountable for it.


I can do that. 180 it is. Great points.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

Am I insane for still being in love with her and wanting her back? 

Even after her having an affair? 

Even after her leaving me the way she did? 

Even after her moving on? 

Is something wrong with me?


Tom please refrain.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

tom67 said:


> The fact that this dooshbag is dating a still married is enough for me if it was the other way around he would have been the devil.


Things must be different in the US then in Australia. I started dating my bf when I was recently separated. Separated without intention to reconcile is not married..it's separated! Totally different status, but as I said, I'm not from the US so could be different. :scratchhead:



lilbrokenhearted said:


> What is the rules on seperation and dating? Should I take back her house key?
> 
> Do i approach her regarding not being best friends?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, take the key back. She no longer lives there so doesn't have a right to enter any time she likes.

You aren't children, you don't have to say "I don't want to be your best friend". Just remain civil and if she specifically says again she wants to be best friends, say that's not possible with what's happened but I'm happy to...and whatever you decide on be it friends or just co-parents.


lilbrokenhearted said:


> Am I insane for still being in love with her and wanting her back?


No, you are human and have a long loving history with this woman. That's not going to just turn off overnight. There is nothing wrong with you, don't beat yourself up for having emotions and being confused. 

Please just keep your kids your priority. Which means trying to have a good relationship with their mother for the long term.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Concur with Honcho here. 

It's the old "lets just be friends" (LJBF (c) )rejection. Believe me: It's a rejection and not an offer of true friendship. Your wife is trying to friend-zone you while she dates other men.
This is about her protecting her ego while she rejects you and screws some guy. She doesn't have to feel bad about being a cheater as long as you're "best friends" with her and completely good with it. "I mean, it's okay with you.....right? We are friends...."

Your new role is to be her emotional tampon when the other guy breaks her heart. You will be there to support her emotionally and maybe even cuddle sometimes!

Dude, you know you aren't alright with this, so don't be. Give yourself permission to recognize this is jacked up. Then don't participate. 

Please. Don't. For your wellbeing. 

http://therationalmale.com/2011/09/19/playing-friends/


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lilbrokenhearted said:


> What is the rules on seperation and dating?
> 
> Should I take back her house key?


Nah, just change the door locks. You may want to check w/ a lawyer before doing this, though, as doing it may or may not be legal in the absence of a separation agreement.

And, while we're on the subject, get that separation agreement hammered out ASAP. Not sure where you live, but, in some states, a woman's husband is legally assumed to be the father of any child brought into the marriage, and you certainly don't want to be on the hook for anything if the boyfriend bails on her after she winds up pregnant -- an SA will protect you in such an instance.



lilbrokenhearted said:


> Do i approach her regarding not being best friends?


No, just start the 180. If she starts asking you questions like "Why are you doing this to me?", "Why are you being an @$$hole?", etc, just explain to her that you aren't interested in being her BFF anymore. Maybe something along the lines of...

"Look, you're my wife, and I love you, but it's become painfully obvious to me that all of the commitment in this relationship is woefully one-sided. I'm not going to continue to be your emotional sounding board while you're involved w/ other men. It's unfair to me and, regardless of what either of us says to our children to the contrary, it gives them (and me!) false hope w/ regard to any reconciliation. I'm happy to co-parent w/ you, but that needs to be the extent of our relationship going forward. And, should you find yourself wanting to talk about things, get your emotional validation and ego kibble from whoever it is that you happen to f*cking at the moment."


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lilbrokenhearted said:


> Am I insane for still being in love with her and wanting her back?
> 
> Even after her having an affair?
> 
> ...


Dude, there's nothing wrong w/ you. You love your wife and want to keep your family intact. That is absolutely normal.

Having said that, it doesn't really seem like you've experienced any real anger over all of this just yet. Don't worry, it's coming. And that's a good thing, because anger is a normal part of the healing process. But you're not going to get there (either to the next step in the chain or to the end of the line) if you don't start to detach from her. You haven't been able to do that because you allow her to continue engaging you w/ all of her day-to-day bullsh*t. Read up on "The Five Stages of Loss and Grief", and you'll know what I'm talking about.

So, again, start the 180. You need to do this, and you need to do it for you. It's to help you heal!


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

lilbrokenhearted said:


> Also I am an alcoholic. Sober 10 years strong.
> 
> I do not have many friends. Need to make some.
> 
> ...


Well done on the 10 years. Are you in AA? I am. I suggest you get your ass into AA meetings, even if you have been sober 10 years, your 10 years of sobriety will be very inspiring to some people. AA will also provide you with a ready made support network that will help maintain your sobriety through the troubling time you are experiencing. 

AA will allow you to meet other people with similar experiences. Those common interests will help you develop a much needed support network and eventually friends.

Dating is no harder sober than drinking. You just need to learn how to do so sober. Again,AA will eventually help in this area. Although at the moment you have far more important issues than the dating scene.


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

lancaster said:


> Well done on the 10 years. Are you in AA? I am. I suggest you get your ass into AA meetings, even if you have been sober 10 years, your 10 years of sobriety will be very inspiring to some people. AA will also provide you with a ready made support network that will help maintain your sobriety through the troubling time you are experiencing.
> 
> AA will allow you to meet other people with similar experiences. Those common interests will help you develop a much needed support network and eventually friends.
> 
> Dating is no harder sober than drinking. You just need to learn how to do so sober. Again,AA will eventually help in this area. Although at the moment you have far more important issues than the dating scene.




Thanks you. No I never did AA. Cold turkey.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

Why is it so hard to let go? 

I am reading no more mr nice guy. 

I read the LJBF article.

I see some of these thing going on.

but it's hard not to text etc.

oh and tomorrow is our 9 year anniversary! !!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

When is the last time that you spoke w/ her and what was the topic of conversation?

Stay strong!


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Legally you probably cant get the key back or change the locks until you have paperwork signed. Most states are community prop so she is half owner so to speak until the paperwork gets done which states who has possession of dwelling etc. The more legal and encompassing it is the less headaches later down the road you have. 

Don’t dwell on tomorrow being your anniversary, you are so early in this process and a situation that you never wanted and your emotional heart is still controlling your rational brain. 

The urge to text or call, this is all natural and your heart will try and trick you into doing just that. This is called withdrawal. You aren’t anymore crazy than the rest of us. You wont be able to let go in a day and she just didn’t move on in a day either. Once you give yourself a little distance and the rational side gets more control you will see this

This isnt an easy journey and none of us ever wanted to do it.


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

honcho said:


> Legally you probably cant get the key back or change the locks until you have paperwork signed. Most states are community prop so she is half owner so to speak until the paperwork gets done which states who has possession of dwelling etc. The more legal and encompassing it is the less headaches later down the road you have.
> 
> Don’t dwell on tomorrow being your anniversary, you are so early in this process and a situation that you never wanted and your emotional heart is still controlling your rational brain.
> 
> ...


Great great advice. Thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Funkykatz (Jun 17, 2014)

Anomnom said:


> Keep in mind we are all strangers who don't really have the whole picture of what your previous relationship with your wife was so I think people are being overly harsh. You sound like a really nice guy who wants to do the best by everyone.
> 
> I remain very good friends with my xhb. Our divorce was finalised last month and since separation we have always kept things friendly because we have a young child and he has and always will be our priority. You don't need to get nasty or have no contact, you have kids so it is in their best interests to stay friendly.
> 
> ...


That's where I am at now. My stbxh and are friends and will continue to be friends after it is finalized, however it am giving myself a period of 3 weeks NC to seperate myself from the relationship.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

oh it is really hard to let go took me quite awhile, it is a roller coaster you will be on with great days and really bad days. that is why you need to cut the friends part out of this. only talk about the kids and divorce, nothing else. took me 2 years before i started dating again.

as for good books to read.....read lone survivor by marcus luttrell (true story war book, just made the movie) if he can survive what he went through (ps book 1.6 million times better/sadder than the movie) what you are going through is nothing.


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

Thanks everyone for all the advice. So I went ahead basically told her exactly my feelings about her. Then I old that I can't stand by and be her best friend now that she has moved on to someone else. I told her that by us doing things and talking and texting all the time gives me and the kids false hope of reconciliation. Ironically this all happened on what would have been our 9th anniversary. Later that night she calls and hands up. Then when asked why she tells me that I broke her heart???? Then today she was at the gym and went ahead a got me a new door key as mine has been broken for months???

It's really hard not talking or texting her all the time. But I'm doing better than I thought. It hurts sometimes but then I also feel better than I did before?? 

I am reading the book No More Mr Nice Guy. And it turns out that is what I totally was in our marriage. Very well could be a major reason things ended the way they did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lilbrokenhearted said:


> Thanks everyone for all the advice. So I went ahead basically told her exactly my feelings about her. Then I old that I can't stand by and be her best friend now that she has moved on to someone else. I told her that by us doing things and talking and texting all the time gives me and the kids false hope of reconciliation. Ironically this all happened on what would have been our 9th anniversary. Later that night she calls and hands up. Then when asked why she tells me that I broke her heart???? Then today she was at the gym and went ahead a got me a new door key as mine has been broken for months???
> 
> It's really hard not talking or texting her all the time. But I'm doing better than I thought. It hurts sometimes but then I also feel better than I did before??


It's going to take a while for you to become indifferent to her. Stay strong and be patient.

About the key... she gave you a new key to what, the gym? Start going to a different gym.

And about her calling and hanging up... why did you ask her about it? You should have ignored it. No more phone calls, and no more texts about anything that doesn't concern the kids.



lilbrokenhearted said:


> I am reading the book No More Mr Nice Guy. And it turns out that is what I totally was in our marriage. Very well could be a major reason things ended the way they did.


Pick this one up as well...

The Married Man Sex Life Primer


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Pick this one up as well...
> 
> The Married Man Sex Life Primer


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

lilbrokenhearted said:


> ....Very well could be a major reason things ended the way they did.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A large portion of it, probably yes. But that's cool. It's all part of you rebooting your interal operating system with lilbrokenhearted version 2.0 and how you interact with your wife (and really all women). 

Pal, keep on getting a life for yourself. Stop being a co-dependent people pleaser. It sucks. (I used to be one too).

Feels good to have stones.


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

helolover said:


> A large portion of it, probably yes. But that's cool. It's all part of you rebooting your interal operating system with lilbrokenhearted version 2.0 and how you interact with your wife (and really all women).
> Pal, keep on getting a life for yourself. Stop being a co-dependent people pleaser. It sucks. (I used to be one too).
> 
> Feels good to have stones.


I'm working on it one day at a time. But you are right I was totally Codependent. I just need to learn how to let go of her and move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

What's strange to me is how last night and early this morning she tells me how I just broke her heart??? Why and how ??? She left me moved on. And now that I don't wanna be around I break her heart????

Am I missing something?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

lilbrokenhearted said:


> I'm working on it one day at a time. But you are right I was totally Codependent. I just need to learn how to let go of her and move on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


As the wise saying goes....

"let go or be dragged."


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

lilbrokenhearted said:


> What's strange to me is how last night and early this morning she tells me how I just broke her heart??? Why and how ??? She left me moved on. And now that I don't wanna be around I break her heart????
> 
> Am I missing something?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


gaslighting, blameshifting, entitlement, victimhood.....

She hates that you aren't the whining sniveling boy-man she left. She didn't anticipate this. 

You're awakening and realizing that life has better things in store for you. She's anxious about this, so if she can steer you back to your anxious state about her (control), she keeps her emotional hooks in you.

You had a life before you married her. You were fine. Be THAT guy again. For you - and your next partner. Your silly wife doesn't deserve that guy.


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

Thanks I agree 100 %. Great advice thanks for the support. I will be here often looking for support and help when I am feeling vulnerable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

helolover said:


> gaslighting, blameshifting, entitlement, victimhood.....
> 
> She hates that you aren't the whining sniveling boy-man she left. She didn't anticipate this.
> 
> ...


I actually didn't have much of a good life before we meet. Those were my alcoholic days. So i can't be that guy again. This is all new experience for me. This is major learning experience for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

So does anyone have any suggestions for helping me let go?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Most WS need to blame everyone but themselves. Like Helolover said, gaslighting, playing victim, people don’t want to “own the decisions” they have made. 

She also wants to keep you in your place, don’t rock the boat because she is enjoying herself. So she goes with the guilt trip and her “broken heart”. 

Limit your contact with her as much as you can, don’t get into conversations or debates with her. Even the innocent chats right now you will end up getting you sucked back in. Its either discussing the wellbeing of the children or a pending divorce, just business. This will help you with detaching. Keeping busy and recognizing when you are having “weak moments” and shutting it down quickly in yourself. There is no magic formula, I found doing lots of little projects helped, changing my routines. Most people are creatures of habit, changing those will keep your mind occupied. It helps.


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

So we don't talk the whole day ( first time since we met). Then send me a quote saying "the worst thing someone can do is pushed me away. I might just do the favor and go"

wtf?

How do I nicely say she is the one who pushed me away by leaving. Then by finding someone else?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

I need a good quote.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

lilbrokenhearted said:


> I need a good quote.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Kick rocks.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

lilbrokenhearted said:


> I actually didn't have much of a good life before we meet. Those were my alcoholic days. So i can't be that guy again. This is all new experience for me. This is major learning experience for me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm a recovering alcoholic too. But I don't let that define me or hold me back. I too did dumb sh!t when I was drinking. Things that I shudder to remember.

But I'm also a construction manager, a guitar player, a decent cook, and even though I'm big, ugly and getting old, I still manage to get women to go out with me. 

You have to believe in yourself. You have worth and value. She's a lying cheating snake in the grass.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Your silence is the best quote you can give, she is just egging you to start a conversation. This is the exact stuff the WS loves to do to keep you hanging around. All she wants you to do is think about her, and she has accomplished this.

Don’t play the game. its a mindset you have to take on.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lilbrokenhearted said:


> What's strange to me is how last night and early this morning she tells me how I just broke her heart??? Why and how ??? She left me moved on. And now that I don't wanna be around I break her heart????
> 
> Am I missing something?


She misses the emotional validation that -- up until recently -- you've been all too happy to provide, so she's attempting to engage you in order to get it.

IGNORE. HER.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lilbrokenhearted said:


> So does anyone have any suggestions for helping me let go?


Find new hobbies. Start working out more, preferably lifting weights. Load up a bunch of music onto your phone and go for long walks. Learn a new language. Take a cooking class. Make new friends.

Basically, when you don't have your kids, do as much as you can to spend as little time at home alone as possible.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lilbrokenhearted said:


> So we don't talk the whole day ( first time since we met). Then send me a quote saying "the worst thing someone can do is pushed me away. I might just do the favor and go"
> 
> wtf?
> 
> How do I nicely say she is the one who pushed me away by leaving. Then by finding someone else?


You don't say anything! Seriously, don't respond at all. IGNORE. HER.

Additionally, on the nights that you have your kids, make it easier on yourself and turn off your phone once you get home.


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

Wow once again reall great advice guys. Thanks alot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

She called me Friday. She was real nice. She asked if was done ignoring her. And if this meant we wouldn't be going to the gym together any more. I gave her the same speech I did before.
I was still in love with her and that she was with someone else and it hurts. She got off the phone upset. She then sends a long text explaining why she left and all that. We text back and forth some. I now get the feeling she is issues with new bf ( she is feeling smothered by him). I think she us also struggling with feeling about me at the same time. 

She is not direct at all with communication. 

One thing I noticed twice since I have pushed her away and told her how I felt is that she has asked to do something with me this weekend. Her family is in town too.

I feel like from what she is saying. That she is having doubts about new man. Confused about her feelings for me. I feel like this little push away started to wake her up. 

I agree to go to pool with whole family for Sunday and she says that she was happy and excited. 

But then this. She texts me to tell me that the new man would be driving to drop the kids off. I was devastated and I told her. She brought the kids by herself. I was so hurt. 

She texts me later telling me why he was going to be driving. I ignored it. Then wants me to say something. So I said the same thing I have been saying. I love you but you are with someone else and it hurts. That's when she says that she cares about me. 

Was I wrong for being upset? 

Am I reading the wrong signals? 

Do I tell her I don't want him around the kids? 

Am I missing something here?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

tom67 said:


> Here is what I suggest...
> Expose this guy at work do not tell your wife.
> File for d and serve her at work.
> ONLY text about the kids.
> ...


:iagree: *THIS!

You've been her "Plan B," for much longer than you may care to admit! There is no hope! She's doing her levelest best in trying to make a cuckold out of you ~ She doesn't care!

Do "the 180" on her sorry a$$, get to your attorneys office ASAP and file on her, asking for primary custody of your daughter!
*


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Quit telling her you love her 

She does not love you. Why can't you get it? Did you really read the 180, or just the parts you think will win her back? You are no better off now than two weeks ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You're obviously not going to listen to our advice. So I'm out. Good luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lilbrokenhearted said:


> She called me Friday. She was real nice. She asked if was done ignoring her. And if this meant we wouldn't be going to the gym together any more. I gave her the same speech I did before.


*Why did you even take the call?*



lilbrokenhearted said:


> I was still in love with her and that she was with someone else and it hurts. She got off the phone upset. She then sends a long text explaining why she left and all that. We text back and forth some. I now get the feeling she is issues with new bf ( she is feeling smothered by him). I think she us also struggling with feeling about me at the same time.


OK, so you took the call. Stop telling her that you love her. She obviously knows it anyway, so there's no need for her to hear it, especially since she keeps using it to get you eating out of her hand. The texting back and forth was a bad idea as well. Going forward, whenever she calls, listen for about 10 seconds and, if what she's saying doesn't involve the kids at all, just cut in and say, "Sorry, but how does this concern the kids?" If it doesn't just hang up and ignore the subsequent onslaught of phone calls. Ignore *and delete* any texts that she sends that don't concern the kids.

And, if you find yourself in another conversation w/ her (which seems likely, even though it would be best if you did not), stick to something like this...

"You left me for another man. It hurt, and it still hurts. I am trying to get over that by detaching from you. This isn't about you at all, it's about me. I am trying to heal, and if you cared about me at all, you'd let me move on w/ my life, as you've obviously already moved on w/ yours. You're not even attempting to reconcile our marriage, so the reason or reasons that you left don't even matter. I don't want to hear about them. I'd admit to my faults, and I am working on improving myself, but I will do so for me, our children, and for my next love -- not for you."

Stick to ^this like a freaking script, but, after a while, drop the first 3 sentences.

And yeah... blah, blah, blah... you were separated and then she found someone else... You and I both know that this isn't true. She knows that it isn't true. Don't be afraid to call her out on it.



lilbrokenhearted said:


> She is not direct at all with communication.
> 
> One thing I noticed twice since I have pushed her away and told her how I felt is that she has asked to do something with me this weekend. Her family is in town too.
> 
> I feel like from what she is saying. That she is having doubts about new man. Confused about her feelings for me. I feel like this little push away started to wake her up.


Then keep pushing! Again, bringing her back shouldn't be your primary goal w/ the 180 -- the goal is to help you to detach and begin healing in preparation for the inevitability of an irreconcilable split.

Dude, she's already gone! It's time for you to start planning for the notion that her physical absence will indeed be permanent. Whether she stays w/ this guy or not, she'll just wind up w/ some other guy. Yeah, she might come back to you in the interim, but she'll be all the more gone once she finds a new guy, and you'll just be left hurting again.



lilbrokenhearted said:


> I agree to go to pool with whole family for Sunday and she says that she was happy and excited.


Dude, what? NOOOOO!!!



lilbrokenhearted said:


> But then this. She texts me to tell me that the new man would be driving to drop the kids off. I was devastated and I told her. She brought the kids by herself. I was so hurt.
> 
> She texts me later telling me why he was going to be driving. I ignored it. Then wants me to say something. So I said the same thing I have been saying. I love you but you are with someone else and it hurts. That's when she says that she cares about me.


Her actions speak more loudly than her words. Stop engaging her! You are only giving her further opportunities to tear you down!



lilbrokenhearted said:


> Was I wrong for being upset?


You're wrong for putting yourself in that position, and thereby allowing yourself to be upset.



lilbrokenhearted said:


> Am I reading the wrong signals?


No, you're *sending* the wrong signals w/ your poorly implemented 180. Every time she extends any sort of good will, you readily eat it up (and she knows it), hoping w/ every ounce of your being that it could lead to a reconciliation. And then she brazenly parades her relationship w/ OM in front of you.

Make no mistake, she wants both of you -- she wants you to continue to prop her up emotionally, and she wants OM to continue plowing her. Is that an arrangement that you're willing to live with?

Remember this... every time that she attempts to engage you, she's essentially doing the emotional equivalent of wiping OM's freshly spent ejaculate on your face.

Look, your kids are going to suffer no matter what. If that's what keeps drawing you back in (and boy, does she ever know it), then stop letting her do that. In the end, your kids will be much better by served seeing you move on w/ your life in a constructive, healthy manner.



lilbrokenhearted said:


> Do I tell her I don't want him around the kids?


Eh, up to you really. Do you have any specific concerns about their safety or well-being when in his presence? Look, OM is sort of doing you a favor in that he's half-way taken your WW off your hands. It's up to you to go the rest of the way by ceasing to be her emotional ottoman.



lilbrokenhearted said:


> Am I missing something here?


Yes; it would seem that you've missed at least most of what we've been telling you.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

The longer you stay in contact with her, the harder it will be to heal and get on with your life.

If there's anything in your house that still belongs to her or things that remind you of her, then get rid of them. Out of sight, out of mind.

If you need to talk to her, then it should only be about the kids and nothing more.

All the woman is doing is keeping you on a hook just in case things go south with the OM.

Just remember what she did. She cheated on you. left you for another guy. That alone tells you that she has little or no respect for you or your feelings. In other words, she's rubbing it in your face and twisting things around to bloster her own ego by stepping all over yours.

As long as you keep letting her do that, you'll never get out from under her thumb.

One other important thing. You beat alcoholism and that had to be the hardest thing you ever did. If you can do that, then you can defeat this too.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Every single calorie you expend on her in any way is a waste. Every time you take a breath to answer her bs, every time you type a response to her text, every time you think of her in your mind is a waste. 

It's a waste because you are draining your reserves, when they could be spent on a more deserving, loyal, loving woman. 

Or for the present (and more importantly): yourself.

Repeat the first sentence out loud, replacing "you" with "I", as much as necessary. Then re-read all the good advice you've been getting. The shift takes time and repetition. You'll slip up for sure, but you'll slip up less if you catch yourself in time.


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## lilbrokenhearted (Jun 23, 2014)

Thanks everyone. I guess I got off track. I am back on track now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lilbrokenhearted said:


> Thanks everyone. I guess I got off track. I am back on track now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I take it you just got back from the pool?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lilbrokenhearted said:


> Thanks everyone. I guess I got off track. I am back on track now.


/target=lilbrokenhearted
/cast Resurrection 

How are you doing these days, @lilbrokenhearted?


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