# So confused, don't know what to do



## LAGUY56 (Apr 9, 2015)

Hi all, I am glad I found these forums as it's the first step to a very difficult decision. 

I'll try to make it brief. I've been with my wife for 5 years, married for 4. She is now pregnant with our first child, a little girl, 7 months along. 

I can honestly say I love my wife. I would say with certainty I would give my life for her. I love her as a person, I will always be there for her and my child, ALWAYS. 

However, for years now I've been dealing with an internal struggle. I am, by nature, a very independent person. I have traveled to over 30 countries, I love living free with no attachment and being married presents a very, obvious, significant attachment. I still long to be with other women, meet other women, be single again. I live in a very big city and walking around seeing everyone single going out to dinner and just being free makes me feel like a prisoner and like I am not living my life. What makes it worse is that I know I can do this with my wife and I enjoy doing these things with her, BUT I WANT TO MEET OTHER WOMEN. 

To top it off, I am not completely sexually attracted to my wife. I think she's beautiful, and she really is, but that sexual spark isn't there. I love her as a person and truly, as a partner...as a best friends, but sexually there is nothing there. 

I am just confused because I do love her, but I want to be single. But then there are times when I scorn myself and feel horrible for ever thinking about leaving her! She's my best friend, I tell her everything, I have never been unfaithful to her and she truly is a huge part of my life and if I leave her, I fear it is for superficial reasons and I will be miserable. 

She doesn't give me grief, even let's me travel with friends, but I know it bothers her and I don't want to do these things even though she's "ok" with them because I don't want to hurt her. 

And then with child coming into our life, it has made this even harder. 

I am just trying to understand what I am feeling. Is this normal? Is this ok? not ok? reason to leave? reason to stay?

Even typing this I can't imagine leaving her, but at the same time I feel like I was never meant to be married. I don't want to be married with 5 kids. I want to be free to do whatever I want with no one to answer to. I want to take care of my child and be there for her, but do as a I please!


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

How old are you both? 

Are most of your friends single?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is your name on here indicative of your age, 56? If not, how old are you and your wife?

I'm not sure if measuring something as "normal" or not is all that helpful. There are people who prefer being in a committed relationship. And then there are people who do not. 

If you are not that attracted to your wife, why have you been with her exclusively for so long? Why on earth did you bring a baby into this situation?

You say that you tell your wife everything. Have you really told her how your are feeling about this? If so what does she say?

My suggestion is that if you feel this way about your wife, then you leave her. Take responsibility for your child. But let her go free so that she can either find a man who finds her sexually attractive and who can love her and want to be with her.

Staying with her, with your frame of mind, is cruel.


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## LAGUY56 (Apr 9, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Is your name on here indicative of your age, 56? If not, how old are you and your wife?
> 
> I'm not sure if measuring something as "normal" or not is all that helpful. There are people who prefer being in a committed relationship. And then there are people who do not.
> 
> ...


I am 28. Most my friends are actually married with kids. 

Perhaps I should clarify. I think my wife is beautiful, everyone does, because she is. She use to model for International Magazines. It's not that I don't find her attractive. This has been a problem for me in all my past relationships, I get bored easy and I lose the sexual spark. 

I do tell my wife everything, but I can't just blurt out these feelings. I need to find a way to either fix this or confront it, I need to analyze this and it is why I am on the forum.

I don't think it's cruel that I take care of my wife, love my wife and am struggling with some feelings I cannot help. I don't think it's cruel that the minute I start feeling these feelings I don't drop my wife like a bad habit and run for the hills. I came here for advice, not be judged. 

I wanted a child, and I wanted her to be the mother. Like I said, I go through days were I can't imagine leaving her, other days I want to see and date other women. I will always take care of my child, the one I brought into this world. I will always take care of her mom, I brought a child into this world to care for it, I am sorry that my feelings make me a bad person. 

I have saved close to 70k over the last 4 years and I HAVE NO PROBLEM, if we separate, giving that ALL to her. That's how cruel I am to her, that I am willing to give her everything. 

Thanks for the replies, please...if anyone has any more insight I would really appreciate it.


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## mouse7 (Apr 18, 2015)

Am curious what happened here, LAGUY56. I'm in a somewhat similar situation in that my wife is also pregnant and I want to separate (then officially divorce at some point after the baby is born) due mostly to a complete lack of sexual compatibility between us. Have you told your wife or will you wait for your little one to be born? Any idea how you'll tell her and how long will you wait to leave after the child is born? Just curious as my situation has some similarities, although it's not due to other women at this point -- just a complete lack of sexual compatibility between us that's always been there. Hope to hear back.


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## LAGUY56 (Apr 9, 2015)

mouse7 said:


> Am curious what happened here, LAGUY56. I'm in a somewhat similar situation in that my wife is also pregnant and I want to separate (then officially divorce at some point after the baby is born) due mostly to a complete lack of sexual compatibility between us. Have you told your wife or will you wait for your little one to be born? Any idea how you'll tell her and how long will you wait to leave after the child is born? Just curious as my situation has some similarities, although it's not due to other women at this point -- just a complete lack of sexual compatibility between us that's always been there. Hope to hear back.


Hey Mouse. 

I posted a reply to Eli girl but it was never approved by a moderator, not sure why. In short Eli Girl, my wife is a former model, its not that I don't find her attractive is that our sexual chemistry is gone. Secondly, I don't think its cruel that I don't drop her like a bad habit the second I start struggling with feelings that might hurt her. Shouldn't I figure this out first? Thirdly, I will give her all my savings and I will take care of her and my child for the rest of my life. I know you know me well through my one post, but cruel to my wife I AM NOT. 

For the other questions, most of my friends are married and I am 28 years old. 

Mouse, I am not sure if I can leave her. I don't know if I have the heart to do it. For one, I know it will tear her apart. I truly do love her and cannot live thinking I hurt her that bad. Secondly, I am honestly confused. I want to be single, free, but I want her in my life. I am not sure what I am feeling!

Honestly man, if I were to leave I am waiting till our little one is born and everything is situated and life isn't hectic. Right now she has too much on her plate to throw this on. 

Any further insight will be much appreciated.


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## LAGUY56 (Apr 9, 2015)

I have posted twice here. None of my post are showing up. Moderator?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LAGUY56 said:


> I have posted twice here. None of my post are showing up. Moderator?


Do you see this post now? From the moderator view it looks like it's all good.


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## LAGUY56 (Apr 9, 2015)

Yes, my post are now appearing thank you. 

Any further insight would be appreciated!


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## LAGUY56 (Apr 9, 2015)

Hopefully this post appears!

I just need to continue. 

Another thing that really bothers is me is that my wife is not very domestic. Now don't get me wrong, I am all for sharing the household chores and god knows I can be messy, but so can she. She complains to me about EVERYTHING. 70% of our conversations are her complaining to me about everything in her life or about me and what I am doing wrong. 

She's in nursing school right now and all the financial responsibility, everything is on me. Now she offers to help, but she can't, she makes less than half of what I make and it all goes to schooling. On top of that I am saving for our future. 

I just feel like I do everything and I have to take care of the house to? Again, I am all for sharing chores, and I know she has a lot on her plate, but I am the sole provider and I have to be the sole domestic cleaner upper as well?

This is so hard for me because I honest to god, love her so much. It hurts to think I'd ever leave her and I know it will destroy her. 

I am so confused!


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## LAGUY56 (Apr 9, 2015)

Anyone else have any insight?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you want me to move your thread to "General Relationship" where there is more action?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I have more questions.
You are 29. How old is your wife.

You say that your wife makes half of what you make. How many hours a week does she work to earn that income?

How many hours a week is she in school and studying? What kind of nursing degree is she working on? Certificate? Associates? Bachelors?

Did she do a fairer share around the house before she became pregnant?


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

LAGUY, this is a tough situation for you, I understand.

I just want to say that, "the grass is not greener on the other side" probably applies a lot to your situation. You are dreaming of a carefree life where you can meet as many women as you like, travel a lot, and not be tied down or have responsibilities. Which, is your right to want. But let me ask you this:

1. You've been married, "tied down", committed for several years. You can obviously do it, and obviously wanted to do it (otherwise you'd have been long gone.)
2. Suppose you do get this divorce. Do you truly believe you will be happy? Peaceful? Content?

In other words: if you leave your side because the grass is not so green, and go to the other side. Will it be greener?

You said that you guys don't have big conflicts, you are best friends, love each other, don't fight often. Let me tell you, that is rare to find. I myself am separated for 9 months, still very in love with my husband and want to be with him - but we are not best friends. We can't communicate. He has a temper. We fight often. I wish I had a relationship where I could be openly trusting and not fight with him. 

If you are thinking about letting your marriage go, be willing to lose something good - for something that you "dream" is better, but MIGHT not be. Accept all the consequences that come with that.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

LAGUY...sounds like you two need some work, but it could be worse. 

I'm wondering if it isnt "baby cold feet"?

Have you considered some IC?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sooo... when would you say that you lost that "sexual spark" for your wife? About 5-7 months ago?

Is this thread screaming "Serial cheater!" to anyone else?


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Sooo... when would you say that you lost that "sexual spark" for your wife? About 5-7 months ago?
> 
> Is this thread screaming "Serial cheater!" to anyone else?


I'm ignoring the muffled moans and covering bases....but "yes" that thought certainly crossed my mind...


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## mouse7 (Apr 18, 2015)

SamuraiJack said:


> I'm ignoring the muffled moans and covering bases....but "yes" that thought certainly crossed my mind...


Trying to understand what makes you both say this. Not trying to be naïve, just trying to understand. Because his wife is 7 months pregnant and he's got these thoughts, this makes him destined to be a cheater? Or was something else meant by those comments? Also, he's specifically said he hasn't cheated and wouldn't cheat. I must be missing something.


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