# I could really use some help here



## Please (Nov 3, 2017)

My profession.... Im an IT Specialist (computer work) for DoD.
My Wife.... Stay at home mom.

recently she went to Colorado for the weekend to visit an old guy friend from school while I stayed home with the kids for 4 days. On Saturday I got a FB message from someone that was on both of our friends list. She asked how everyone was doing so I told her not thinking anything of it and we had a conversation. That evening my 2 daughters stayed the night at a friends house because they begged me to so like any dad I said ok. I got a call from a friend of mine in the Army to meet him and his wife at the bar to check out this band. With nothing to do, I decided to go. While there I get a message from the girl again asking what I was up to and where I was. I told her. She mentioned that her sister use to have a crush on me so I jokingly said "yeah right like that will ever happen. ill take you over her any day". Hinsight, I probably should not have said that. She asked me for some money and I said NO.... I don't give people money. I did not know she was at her sisters. I drank half my beer and within 10 min of being there I decided it was too loud and crowded so I went home and played Destiny 2. The next day my tree fell down from a storm and I took a selfie with the tree and sent it too her with the caption.... this sucks... WTF. 

My wife comes back on Tuesday, all is well until yesterday. Yesterday morning my wife gets a message from the girls sister saying that I want to be with her sister and Im sending her pictures and implying that I am cheating on my wife of 12 years with this girl who come to find out was a drug addict. My wife messages me and asks if I was talking to the girl in question. I called her and said yes we had a conversation and I told her what I said and what happened. she said that the girl is not her friend, she is a crack *****, and some other colorful things..... So.... I deleted her from messenger and blocked her on FB. I didn't know at this point what the girls sister had told my wife. My wife says we are done..... after a long argument and practically no sleep.... she doesn't believe me because I fix computers and I know technology... she thinks I deleted the chat logs on purpose. she thinks im having an affair with this girl who has one kid, is pregnant with another and lives in public housing. 

I love my wife, my life, and my kids. I may not look at people like she does. She see's the bad in everyone it seems like. she is very much a pessimist who can be controlling. She has to manage the finances and everything else. If I didn't know better Id say she was a drill sergeant. lol. Also, my wife was cheated on in her previous marriage and she is still effected by this 12 years later. Well... now I have a mortgage, im at work typing this. not sure what to do. she doesn't trust me but I don't want to hurt my children by walking out. She says I have to fix this but I don't know how.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Please said:


> My profession.... Im an IT Specialist (computer work) for DoD.
> My Wife.... Stay at home mom.
> 
> recently she went to Colorado for the weekend to visit an old guy friend from school while I stayed home with the kids for 4 days. On Saturday I got a FB message from someone that was on both of our friends list. She asked how everyone was doing so I told her not thinking anything of it and we had a conversation. That evening my 2 daughters stayed the night at a friends house because they begged me to so like any dad I said ok. I got a call from a friend of mine in the Army to meet him and his wife at the bar to check out this band. With nothing to do, I decided to go. While there I get a message from the girl again asking what I was up to and where I was. I told her. She mentioned that her sister use to have a crush on me so I jokingly said "yeah right like that will ever happen. ill take you over her any day". Hinsight, I probably should not have said that. She asked me for some money and I said NO.... I don't give people money. I did not know she was at her sisters. I drank half my beer and within 10 min of being there I decided it was too loud and crowded so I went home and played Destiny 2. The next day my tree fell down from a storm and I took a selfie with the tree and sent it too her with the caption.... this sucks... WTF.
> ...


Your wife spent a weekend away with another dude and she’s upset with you over an easily-explained conversation with another woman?

Time to check the phone bill.

Oh, and _her_ Facebook.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'm not usually suspicious but I have to agree here. Its great if there is enough trust in your relationship that you are comfortable with her spending a weekend with another guy, but that has to go both ways. 





GusPolinski said:


> Your wife spent a weekend away with another dude and she’s upset with you over an easily-explained conversation with another woman?
> 
> Time to check the phone bill.
> 
> Oh, and _her_ Facebook.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

"recently she went to Colorado for the weekend to visit an old guy friend from school while I stayed home with the kids for 4 days".

You should have banged the crack girl on day 2.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

Why is your wife visiting a guy friend out of town? WTH?

Your messaging led to nothing, there?s nothing there.

She spent nights with another man, there is likely something there.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

You obviously started this conversation because deep down you were pissed and resentful of your wife spending your hard earned money to visit another state and spend it with another dude. There's more to this story...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Please said:


> My profession.... Im an IT Specialist (computer work) for DoD.
> My Wife.... Stay at home mom.
> 
> *recently she went to Colorado for the weekend to visit an old guy friend from school while I stayed home with the kids for 4 days.* On Saturday I got a FB message from someone that was on both of our friends list. She asked how everyone was doing so I told her not thinking anything of it and we had a conversation. That evening my 2 daughters stayed the night at a friends house because they begged me to so like any dad I said ok. I got a call from a friend of mine in the Army to meet him and his wife at the bar to check out this band. With nothing to do, I decided to go. While there I get a message from the girl again asking what I was up to and where I was. I told her. She mentioned that her sister use to have a crush on me so I jokingly said "yeah right like that will ever happen. ill take you over her any day". Hinsight, I probably should not have said that. She asked me for some money and I said NO.... I don't give people money. I did not know she was at her sisters. I drank half my beer and within 10 min of being there I decided it was too loud and crowded so I went home and played Destiny 2. The next day my tree fell down from a storm and I took a selfie with the tree and sent it too her with the caption.... this sucks... WTF.
> ...


Really, dude? WTF???

While your wife was banging her old friend, you were talking to a crack *****? Wow. Just ..... Whatever


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## Please (Nov 3, 2017)

he actually bought the plane ticket and they had been friends since they were 12. He was depressed and she went out there to help..... yeah.....


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Please said:


> he actually bought the plane ticket and they had been friends since they were 12. He was depressed and she went out there to help..... yeah.....


Undoubtedly she did cheer him up. If she were truly concerned about your relationship with other women it would seem counterproductive to leave you alone for days as she comforts an old MALE friend. Fascinating.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

Is that common for her to go visit him?


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## Please (Nov 3, 2017)

No.... he came to visit us a couple years ago for 3 days. this is the first time for her to fly out there. then when she came back she started talking about wanting to move out there. which I have no problem with


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

You both have questionable boundaries when it comes to "friends" of the opposite sex. 

No spouse should ever be spending the night with a 'friend' of the opposite sex. 

And you had no business cracking 'jokes' to another woman about choosing her over her sister. Of course that comes across as you being interested. 

Again, questionable boundaries.


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## Please (Nov 3, 2017)

I admitted I was wrong but that doesn't seem to be enough for her. she is determined to think that I am cheating on her.... I work full time, Go to college, and participate in my childrens activities.... when would I have time to have a second life... I don't want to throw it all away, but maybe I should let her be and see what happens. Separate, move out for a week or so. I love her with all my heart. She is my rock. she is my best side. She is a great mother. I question weather she feels the same?


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

Her guilty conscience could be getting the best of her. Cheaters often project their own actions onto their spouses.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Please said:


> he actually bought the plane ticket and they had been friends since they were 12. He was depressed and she went out there to help..... yeah.....


Yeah.

Sure.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Primrose said:


> Her guilty conscience could be getting the best of her. Cheaters often project their own actions onto their spouses.


Yep.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

A male friend in another state bought her plane ticket to fly out and visit him.
What are his intentions? Why would a man spend that much money on a woman?
Now she wants to move there. 

You joked inappropriately with another woman on FB and your wife is ready to throw away your marriage over it.

What do you think is going on OP?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)




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## Please (Nov 3, 2017)

I afraid to know.....


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Please said:


> I afraid to know.....


You're going to have to get unafraid in a hurry.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

what in the ever loving **** was going through your mind?


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## Please (Nov 3, 2017)

Normally I hate everyone and have a lot of anger... however, I am on medication for PTSD that kill the emotions and keeps me relaxed. I honestly didn't see any issue with this conversation as I talk to my wifes friends all the time and she talks to mine.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your wife definitely did some MAJOR COMFORTING, if she now wants to move out there! LOL, you are the most naive person on the planet if you let YOUR WIFE go spend the weekend with a "depressed male friend".......

If there was a Nobel prize for naivety, I'd recommend you for it. 

I am just in disbelief that this story could be real. 

If what you say is true, just divorce her and move on. She was going to divorce you anyway. It has nothing to do with the idiotic thing you did and said to this other woman. It's got everything to do with her being in love with the OLD FRIEND. Do you know how common it is for married women to have affairs with "old male friends"????????

99% of men on the planet would tell their wife she is crazy as hell if she thinks it's okay with their husband if they do that. It's INSANE to even comprehend. The classic tale wives tell their naive husbands is that the male friend is "gay". You didn't get told that line of bull****, did you?


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## Please (Nov 3, 2017)

no... I know he is not gay... I know she use to have male friends before we were together but that never bothered me because I married her not them.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Please,

I do not believe her intentions are pure, as were his.

It should not matter to you whether their intentions were pure or not: it is highly inappropriate for a married woman to visit another man without her husband around. Especially out of state. Especially for multiple nights.

Given that, you should find out what else happened. I am certain there is a lot more to the story, and I am certain you won't like it. But you need to find out.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Please said:


> no... I know he is not gay... I know she use to have male friends before we were together but that never bothered me because I married her not them.


Having male friends is not a problem. Going to spend the weekend with them???? THAT is ludicrous.

I'm trying to understand your perspective......

Do you think her visiting a male friend and spending the weekend with him (sleeping in HIS house???) is appropriate?
Do you think that her spending the whole weekend with another man and not her husband is appropriate?

Do you feel her anger over what you did is exaggerated or unjust? If so, it's projection. She's angry at you because she thinks you're doing what she does. As stated by another poster.

What would she say if you offered to take a polygraph? If she is disinterested, then she's cheating and just wants you gone and is using this as an excuse (what I suspect).

Last of all, why in the hell did you tell another woman you would be into HER? That's not appropriate, but at least you seem to own that. 

My OPINION: your wife is a serial cheater (my suspicion). She's cheating with the old friend, and he's likely just the tip of the iceberg.

Last question: Would you describe yourself as a man that is confident and makes his needs known, and doesn't allow his wife to treat him like a doormat, or would you describe yourself as a people pleaser and one who likes to give people the benefit of the doubt when they do things most people would find unacceptable?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your conversation with that woman was a bit over the top but does not rise to the level of cheating... it sounds a bit flirty.

Now you at that your wife sees the bad in everyone. It sounds like the woman you were texting with is more than a bit of a low life. She was hitting on you. She's a drug addict. I don't blame your wife for seeing her in a negative light. I think your wife is right to be upset about your texting that woman. But it's not cheating. 

Now your wife's trip to see another man is over the top and unacceptable. Why didn't you even go along with that. Even if your wife did not cheat, it has the appearance of cheating. The opportunity was there to cheat. The chance that she did cheat is very high.

Can you check her cell phone to see what texting has gone on between them? How does she usually communicate with this guy?

She most likely thinks that you cheated because she cheated.

Do not leave, or move out. That could be looked on as you abandoning your children. Stay in your home. Tell her that you did not cheat. She had seen the texts. That's all there was. Then tell her that you are not ok with her flying out for a week to meet her boyfriend and cheat for a week. Ask her what she is going to do to repair your marriage after her infidelity....


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## sadlyme (Nov 3, 2017)

It seem a bit drastic that she would want to end your marriage over something like that. She went on vacation and saw a male friend for days while you were home with the children then she accuses you of something unsavory? I am in no way saying that she had an affair while away, but it seems unrealistic that she would want to end a marriage over a conversation. Maybe she is not as happy as you think in your marriage. You have children and commitments that probably changed the dynamic of your relationship, but I would ask her if she is truly happy. If not, why? maybe you can recapture the beginning, No kids on vacation always helps. 
If she says all is well, then you need to "Check" your drill Sargent. She doesn't get to accuse you of being untrustworthy when you respect her and believe in her and your marriage enough to not protest her going away to meet a male friend.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

She reacted that way because now she has an "out" without being the bad guy.

Not sure why anyone would allow a wife to go visit a guy for any length of time. My wife doesn't have any male friends, other than people we both know, and would never even have a coffee with any of them without me there. So that's why I'm scratching my head over that part of the story.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Please,

You said your W has to control the money this could be a bad sign, affairs take money and if you don't have financial transparency it can lead to other kinds of dishonesty. I have a brother in law who has to control the money, reason being he spent tons of it on girls at houses of prostitution and dosen't want to be found out. He get belligerent if my SIL asks him about it, the best defense is a good offense. 

I think you will find your answer by looking at her telephone history and snooping. No one wants to believe their spouse is cheating on them and we hope not in your case but you need to verify, there are just too many red flags. 

Did you confirm with her exH that your W wasn't cheating on him? Your W may have been the reason not her exH, cheaters like to rewrite history. This "old friend" of hers may also have been a factor in the demise of her first marriage. Just as she is accusing you of cheating she may have unfairly branded her ex.

As other posters have said, OM from the past have an enormous emotional bond with WWs and for some the OM remains their true love for life at least as a romantic fantasy.

Tamat


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

manwithnoname said:


> *She reacted that way because now she has an "out" without being the bad guy.
> *
> Not sure why anyone would allow a wife to go visit a guy for any length of time. My wife doesn't have any male friends, other than people we both know, and would never even have a coffee with any of them without me there. So that's why I'm scratching my head over that part of the story.


Yep.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Well my wife has stayed at a mutual friends house who is a man when she was out of town. We didn't want to spend money on a hotel for a two day conference, so we contacted him and he put her up in his place for two nights. So yeah, I can see a married person staying at someones house without any fear. We've known him since middle school, but they never dated or were close friends. He was my close friend. So I can see that. 

Second, if the texts went like you say they did, I don't even really see what you did wrong tbh. More of a throw away compliment than you trying to hook up. A bit flirty but not really like you were coming on to her.

Now that said, he paid for a flight for her? Yeah he expected something in return for sure. By the actions of your wife, he probably got it too. If I were a betting man, I would push in all my chips that your wife is having an affair with this guy. 

I recommend going to see a lawyer and figure out your rights and options. Start snooping on your wifes social media and on your phone bill. It doesn't look good from here man. And I'm the guy who has let his wife stay with a male friend mind you.


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