# I married a Narcissist



## Mytime37 (Jan 27, 2013)

First, I would like to give my sympathy to anyone who is going through troubling times in their marriage. It is a sad and heartbreaking place for anyone to be.

Here is my story:

I have been married for 10 years and have one child. My marriage has slowly been falling apart. In the early years, I could not financially afford to leave and take care of a baby. I was also in a state that I hated living in and had no family there. I was also in a state of SERIOUS denial as far as my husband's fidelity. The best thing that I did was to go back to school and learn to do something that would allow me to earn money to support myself. We eventually relocated to another state and it seemed as though things got better for a while and then took a nosedive.

So last month I threw in the towel and told him I wanted a divorce. My truly eye opening moment occurred when I went to therapy for myself about 2 weeks ago. I went to therapy because I needed to understand why I had stayed in a relationship where I was lied to, cheated on and disrespected for so long. To my chagrin, we went way over the 45 minute time period and this woman sat with a look of utter shock on her face and stated that she was astounded I had stayed with this man who was a Narcissist. In fact, only recently had I confessed to my best friends what was going on they too were shocked.

Now I had heard this term before but I told myself, "he's not THAT bad." She told me that yes, he was that bad. I cried all the way home as I thought about our marriage and everything finally clicked into place. How had I not seen all of this? I realized I had tailored my behavior over the years to make life easier. 

It explained why I felt I could not communicate with him, his sometimes irrational point of view and accusations against me, why everything had to be what he wanted (where we eat, what movie we see, the type of house we live in, etc), why he is incapable of admitting any wrong doing for anything he does to me, why he does the things he does to purposely inspire envy from other people, his false humbleness around other people, why he has to have the best of everything-even if we could not afford it....I could go on and on.

The camel's back was this: he spent years accusing me of cheating on him with no proof while refusing to answer to the same accusations. To clarify, I did not express my accusations to him, because I never had any proof-he is very slick. If I did, then he would behave so harshly toward me for even questioning him I realized I would have to literally walk in on him for him to be caught. When we relocated I was willing to forgive everything that had happened before. This included his emotional distance from me, not spending anytime with me, his continuing to behave as though he were single, his financial decisions that contributed to our filing bankruptcy and his questionable faithfulness to me. It seemed like he had changed and for 6 months everything was great. We were in a new place and I was finally making a decent living.

Then the accusations started. Now he had made insinuations about other men before but they were totally irrational. He started waking me up in the middle of the night to argue with me. This went on for about 3 1/2 years, practically every month. He would write me emails and texts at work throughout the day telling me all the things I was not doing to his satisfaction. He in particularly had an issue with my refusing to have sex with him everyday. 

These arguments just wore me down. Not to mention I was being treated as though my own needs didn't matter as long as his were taken care of. I began to withdraw even further. But these arguments began to stir an anger in me that I didn't know was there. I felt like how dare he accuse me of these things when I knew deep down he had cheated on me numerous times.

Fast forward to now:

I eventually did have an affair last spring. Instead of getting out of this toxic marriage I chose to have an affair. Honestly, I didn't feel guilty about doing it because I felt like he deserved it. That affair woke me up. I realized that I was not the frigid women I was accused of being. I realized that I did still enjoy having sex. I realized that the problem was not me, it was him. It was not an emotional affair, purely physical. I only felt guilty that I had stooped to his level. He found out about my affair-I wasn't really trying to hide it, I just didn't care anymore. Then he confessed to one affair. 

Since then he has wanted to move on, but I don't. I have no desire to play the perfect wife anymore and perpetuate his image of a prosperous couple to be envied. The downside is we have to live together while our house is on the market to be sold, then I get my freedom. Oh, and in the meantime, he is upset with me because he doesn't understand why I am being so immature and won't have sex with him until we split up. After all, I am still his wife. Yeah, his ego is huge.

Most days I am overjoyed at the prospect of my freedom. Other days I get depressed because I have a feeling I am going to be alone for a long time. I can't imagine a time where I will be able to trust another man with my heart. Plus, as bad as it has been, I will have to adjust to taking care of myself again. Although, thankfully I can afford to now do so. We also have not told our daughter, and she worships her dad. But I am about to mentally snap from all the mind games he is playing.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Mytime, yes, the behaviors you describe sound like NPD traits. I suggest you read Kathy Batesel's article at Narcissism: Recognizing, Coping With, and Treating It. I also suggest you read the book, _Splitting: Protecting Yourself when Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder._


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## Mytime37 (Jan 27, 2013)

Uptown, thank you for your suggested reading. I've been reading a lot of books that are providing support and validation. I will check out your recommendations. I also read Web of Lies by Sarah Tate, which made me cringe inwardly sometimes. While my husband is not as extreme as what she went through, some of the similarities, even on a smaller scale, were scary.

I have to remember while we are still under the same roof that everything he says is only for his own well-being. I've even pointed out to him that his trying to get me to "just forget the past" is so that we can keep acting like what has happened is no big deal. He so wants to hold on to the lifestyle that he has become accustomed to and to have people look at him as a solid family man. 

This will be his fourth marriage ending. Funny story about that: he didn't tell me until the day before we got married that I was going to be his fourth wife. He told me because he HAD to, not because I had a right to know. We had been together for 2 years and I had no idea. Meanwhile, he would always ask ME if there were any secrets I was keeping from him.

Sad, just sad.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Mytime, yes, it is sad. If you were living with a BPDer, as I did for 15 years, you would be with a person who KNOWS that his false self image is false. In contrast, narcissists are so completely out of touch with their true selves that they are convinced their false self image is true. There is some advantage to that blindness, however. It makes narcissists emotionally stable. 

The price that BPDers pay for knowing that their false front is fake is that they are emotionally unstable. Due to that instability, they are always changing and thus have no idea who they really are. But they do know, at some level, that they are not whom they pretend to be. Narcissists don't even know that. So, yes, it is very sad.


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## Mytime37 (Jan 27, 2013)

BPDer? Bi-polar disorder? And for 15 years? Kudos to you for breaking free of that cycle.

I have been putting myself to sleep at night fantasizing about my new life. We just had another showing today on the house and I pray daily that someone will by it soon. It's a beautiful house (with miserable people in it) and we have not been in it for very long.

Oh, and Uptown you just made me recall him sending me an email a couple of years ago alluding to the fact that I might be bipolar!? Apparently he didn't like the fact that my old passive, non-confrontational, let him get away with murder self had changed into a you-better-watch-what-you-say to me witch! Told me I had changed for the worse. LOL! The only time in my life where I have been thankful for inheriting my mom's don't f-with me attitude!


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## gettingout (Jan 15, 2013)

OMG. I feel all tingly reading your story.
Because it is almost like mine. 
I'm too stunned to write anything else right now.......


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Mytime37 said:


> BPDer? Bi-polar disorder?


BPD refers to "Borderline Personality Disorder."


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