# No passion from wife during sex.....



## OutoftheBox (Oct 8, 2009)

Just a little info. about us. I am 33 and my wife of 6yrs is 30. We have known each other for about 10years and we have a 5yr old boy. In the past year or so the sex has reduced from 3 or 4 times a week to maybe once a week. Fine I guess but my wife no longer looks at me during sex and just will not kiss me like she used to. When we sleep, she faces the wall and not me. What is up? I can't help but to think she is cheating on me and just don't know what to do. I need a womens perspective on this and am willing to answer any ?s to help. I feel very disconnected with her and am missing her very much. thanks.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Have you asked her what's up? have you told her you miss her?


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## OutoftheBox (Oct 8, 2009)

yea, I have. She says she doesnt know whats wrong with her and that she is not cheating. I told her I have been on the internet reading simptoms of cheating and such and it seems that it is talking about her directly. I work six days a week and wake up at 2am in the morning to do so. I come home from work, pick up our son from school, do homework then play while I prepare dinner. Everyday. She has a fulltime job also so I realize she is a busy person but we both seem to do our part in keeping up with the family chores. I'm not one of those lazy husbands you here about. I work very hard and do lots of household chores. I buy here anything she needs down to a convertable for here birthday. A year later it did not have enough room in it and I just bought her a SUV. (A nice one) Just trying to put a smile on her face. I just feel like a roommate and cant handle much more. sorry if I seem to drag on and on but my head is a mess right now.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Don't worry about talking about how you feel. It isn't a problem.

OK. So you treat her well. But something has changed in the last year. She claims not to know what.

It doesn't sound like you have $$ problems. And the son is healthy and happy? Other family members OK? And her job isn't horrendous or causing stress?

Other than when in bed, how does she seem? Also, where do you think this potential other man could enter the picture? At work? Internet? Does she travel for work or spend a lot of time out of the house?

Is she depressed or on any medication? 

Any plans to have a second child? Your boy is 5. Many people would have wanted a second about 2-3 years later. I'm trying to see if maybe there is something she's disappointed about, like having another baby, perhaps. Or anything else that falls into the disappointment line.

Other than talking to her, have you tried any action? Does she turn you down or do you not initiate unless you're sure she'll say yes? Have you tried romancing her? 

Is there anything that keeps recurring in fights or arguments that just never seems to get resolved? 

Is she still attracted to you? Any big physical changes on your part? On her own? Has she gained weight and developed a self-image problem?

I hope you can see that there are a bunch of possibilities for a declining sex drive that have zip to do with infidelity. So try not to let your brain automatically go there. In men when desire wanes, it is often about someone else. Not so in women. We're much more complex and therefore easily knocked off our oats in the sex-area because emotional health and emotional connection is such an important precurser to our desire for our mate.


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## OutoftheBox (Oct 8, 2009)

Our financials are in order, health is all good with everyone and job stress is at a minimum. Our only arguements are in the bed. She blames herself and says she is a bad mom and a bad wife, I have never told her she is either, this comes out of nowhere. She is always texting and facebooking, who? I don't know. She does'nt have much time to cheat so it would have to be at work only. Lunchs and such. She comes home right after work so no chance of it then I would'nt think. Maybe she just has an emotional friend or something to that nature. As far as apperance, I am very active and am in as good shape as I have ever been. Nothing has changed with her either. Same as always and I'm fine with that. I complement her, open doors for her, take her shoe shopping (her favorite) even during good football games, hell, I could go on and on. She says that relationships are not only about sex and I agree but I feel (as a guy) that it is preventive mantanance in a marriage. Once or twice a week would be fine (am I asking too much) as long as she is there mentally with me. Oh yea, I love forplay and can'nt get enough of it but she does not allow me to do anything (and I'm good at it!) So lost. She says, just get it over with....bummer huh?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

OK then. Let's start with finding out who she is talking to online then. Look at her phone messages as soon as you can get a moment with her phone. If that shows nothing, you may want to look into some spy software for your computer so you can find out who she is putting her time into. If she's in an EA (emotional affair) it would explain the drop.

Maybe we can rule that out.

The out of the blue comments about being a bad wife and mother disturb me. Are you sure she's not depresssed? Or is this about guilt? I could see someone who feels guilty saying something like that. She didn't return to work fairly recently, did she?

You don't have to keep goign on about how great a guy you are. I believe you. And no, I don't think once or twice a week is too much to ask.

I happen to put more emphasis on sex than a lot of women. I feel that sex is the glue in marriage. It is a very strong measure of the health of a relationship. It isn't everything, but it means an awful lot.


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## OutoftheBox (Oct 8, 2009)

She has started a new job in the past 2 months but this has been going on for about a year. The job she has is in the same field she has been in for about 8 years. Did I mention I'm a good guy? J/K Had to laugh. I do have the password to her Facebook and she knows I do, she told me a while back and has'nt changed it. Nothing there so it has to be texting contact. If I can only figure out how to work her phone. I suck at those things. Anyway, its time to get dinner going and pay some attention to my son, he wants to go for a quick bike ride. We both cried in bed last night so its gonna be an interesting evening. Thanks for the help.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Dobo,
I think this comment about being "bad wife/mother" is sometimes a tactic. A kind husband will typically say no, no that is not the case at all followed by a lot of reassurance. Rhe husband is then left feeling bad that he is making the wife feel bad by bringing up the topic of their messed up sex life. 

If she does not seem depressed in general, then I think this comment is a tactic. It works well in most cases. 











dobo said:


> OK then. Let's start with finding out who she is talking to online then. Look at her phone messages as soon as you can get a moment with her phone. If that shows nothing, you may want to look into some spy software for your computer so you can find out who she is putting her time into. If she's in an EA (emotional affair) it would explain the drop.
> 
> Maybe we can rule that out.
> 
> ...


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I agree with you, Mem. I just wanted to rule out other possibilities.

The "poor pitiful me" crap irks me. It is a great way to derail what could be a constructive discussion. I just do a "cut the crap" (but more politely) when faced with this kind of thing. "Knock it off. That's not what this is about."


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Once / twice a week is NOT asking too much. 

I LOVE foreplay. If my wife did the - lets get this over with thing - well I would not feel wanted/loved. That would so NOT work for me. 

This whole thing about sex is not the basis for a relationship is like saying money is not the basis for a relationship. I bet if you said - hey - discretionary spending is now cut to zero. We will pay rent, utilities. Basic groceries and that is it. NOTHING else. Suddenly there would be lots of tension about money. Is she only with you for the money? No. But starve her of money and see how fast lack of money (like lack of sex) creates ill will. In many cases for the same reason. In your case she would say - there is no way you would be so cheap with someone you love. And uh - she would be right. Again there is no difference between the two. Being cheap with love is not nice. Whether expressed in resources or our bodies - no real difference. 







OutoftheBox said:


> Our financials are in order, health is all good with everyone and job stress is at a minimum. Our only arguements are in the bed. She blames herself and says she is a bad mom and a bad wife, I have never told her she is either, this comes out of nowhere. She is always texting and facebooking, who? I don't know. She does'nt have much time to cheat so it would have to be at work only. Lunchs and such. She comes home right after work so no chance of it then I would'nt think. Maybe she just has an emotional friend or something to that nature. As far as apperance, I am very active and am in as good shape as I have ever been. Nothing has changed with her either. Same as always and I'm fine with that. I complement her, open doors for her, take her shoe shopping (her favorite) even during good football games, hell, I could go on and on. She says that relationships are not only about sex and I agree but I feel (as a guy) that it is preventive mantanance in a marriage. Once or twice a week would be fine (am I asking too much) as long as she is there mentally with me. Oh yea, I love forplay and can'nt get enough of it but she does not allow me to do anything (and I'm good at it!) So lost. She says, just get it over with....bummer huh?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Atholks comments reminded me - of the whole testosterone thing. If umm I thought some guy might be touching my wife, either an EA or a PA, and I knew I could find out by looking at her text messages I would have gotten the user guide to her phone - and if she has security locked it I would have found some way to get into it - even if that meant telling her she needs to give me the password if she wants to stay married. 

You have what police call REASONABLE CAUSE, the texting combined with the sexual meltdown is very, very RC, for you to search her phone. Show a spine, find out what is what and then go from there. If she gets mad about you wanting to search her phone - wow - denial of sex - searching a phone. I know which side of this table to be on. Atholk is right thought. Not sure about the texting and you say something about not being sure you know how to use a phone that has a public user guide. That is so beta. 







Atholk said:


> Sounds like you have taken out the patent on being a pure beta male. Is it possible you just bored her vagina to death by bringing her endless pink cushions to sit upon?
> 
> You don't have to get tatoos and into barfights, but at least start showing some male behavior and traits other than bringing home a paycheck, (The 1950s are over) or she eventually she will find someone that makes her pulse quicken and you'll be on the outside looking in after that.


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## lorithehun (Sep 22, 2009)

His wife sounds like she's suffering from depression. I don't think that spyware and phone searches are going to be constructive... quite the opposite, in my opinion. Breaches of privacy will only serve to further break down the lines of communication. 

"I'm a bad mother/wife"... or "poor pitiful me" might be the only way she can express what she's feeling because maybe she doesn't understand it herself. If the lack of sex drive has been only in the past year of a 7 year marriage then it may be the first time she's experienced depression. The symptoms of depression aren't as obvious as the symptoms of having the flu. She might not know what's wrong with her... this seems more likely to me than jumping right to the "she's cheating!" conclusion, especially given the fact that she has no time to cheat.

I feel like I should reiterate that much thought should be given before breaching your spouses privacy. Once that line is crossed it can't be uncrossed.


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## variety (Sep 6, 2009)

People change what they want and what they thought they wanted in life over time.

Despite having a "great husband", no financial worries, a son, satisfying job etc - this may no longer be enough for your wife.

By the sound of both of you spending time at work and sharing home life (cooking, looking after son, other household chores etc) perhaps this has now become too routine for your wife.

She may not know what she want at this stage of life .... but it is worth pursuing if she is "missing" something in her life and help her fill that gap.


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## Mattie J (Sep 1, 2009)

Lorithe hun has some valid points about breeching your wife's privacy unless she is not being honest with you. I discovered back in May that my wife had gotten in touch with her very first boyfriend from 25 years ago through facebook. I knew about this and was actually OK with it but then shortly afterward in turned into an emotional affair. I only found out about this because he called one Sunday morning and I happened to pick up her cell phone to give it to her and his name was on the display. The conversation only lasted a minute, and it was at that point that I felt something was up. I asked her about it but she denied anything inappropriate was going on. My intuition told me otherwise. A couple of days later I just wanted to check the weather via her Blackberry and she had her yahoo email pulled up and there was a series of very graphic emails on there between the two. Needless to say my world was rocked!! Although I felt very guilty about it, I decided to buy a keylogger so I could verify my suspicions and to see how long this had been going on. Needless to say I couldn't act like nothing was bothering me and just a couple of days into it I confronted her about it again and again she denied any wrong doing and then I told her about the keylogger. She was caught in her lies and floored but I told her that I couldn't stand listening to her lie to me any longer! Bottom line, we adverted the physical affair which I think had been in the planning stages and we repaired the damage done. At the end of the day no one on here knows your wife better than you do and I feel llike the best advice I can give you is to listen to your intuition. Mine worked flawlessly and I if I have learned nothing else it is to listen to your inner voice. There is a balance however and you have to be sure to keep yourself in check; don't become paranoid or make more into something than what it is. By the end of May I thought there was a real possibility that our marriage was in danger of ending, but today I feel much better about our relationship and I do not snoop on my wife. I have not checked her emails since she came clean and I have no intention of doing so. The terms of our relationship is that she must be honest with me and let me know what's going on at the first signs of trouble so that the issues can be addressed. She appreciates the fact that I can forgive and not hold these actions over her, I wouldn't want them held over me if the situation was reversed; the Golden Rule works so well in a marriage: Treat others the way you would like to be treated. Communication is the best way to resolve any issue but both parties must be willing to openly participate!

I hope I have helped you and good luck to you...


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## OutoftheBox (Oct 8, 2009)

I did the unthinkable and went for the phone. We were at some friends last night for a kids birthday party. We were sitting together on a couch talking about random things with friends. Her phone was inbetween us and I picked it up. Not knowing much about how to work her phone within 30sec. I was able to access inbox messages. I thought for a sec. "Hell yea, she does'nt care that I have the phone, this is a good sign" WRONG! She then saw I had it and grabbed it very fast from my hands and got very defensive about it being private and that I am nosey and paranoid. The room got quiet and I was very embarrased. I went home to bed after that, not much to say and my head was a mess. still is. thanks for everyones help. She is telling everyone I am controlling, if that seems to help anyone explain her actions to me. I don't feel controlling. If I am I just wish she could explain it to me, but she won't.


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## italiana86 (Oct 21, 2008)

I'm sorry to hear that! But maybe there is nothing wrong. Maybe there is nothing going on with anybody else... Are you controlling only in this situation right now, or did she some other times as well?? just trying to figure out if that is the reason for her change!

God bless.


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## lorithehun (Sep 22, 2009)

OutoftheBox said:


> She then saw I had it and grabbed it very fast from my hands and got very defensive about it being private and that I am nosey and paranoid. The room got quiet and I was very embarrased.


I have to retract my earlier warning against snooping... she is almost begging you to now... sheesh.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You shouldn't have done it in front of her. Dang. It will be harder now because she will delete evidence. So even if you tell her you are going to look NOW and that's just the way it is, she can prove you are paranoid and controlling, etc. Same w/emails. 

My husband has permission to look in my purse and my phone. I'd prefer he not read my emails but if he did, it'd be OK. Again, if you've nothing to hide, there's no reason to pull "privacy" or "control" as an issue.

The other thing is, when you get married, you aren't allowed to have *that* kind of privacy. Ever. 

Keylog the computer.


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## Mattie J (Sep 1, 2009)

Outofthebox,

Send me a private message and I will fill you in on what I did to resolve the issue with my wife's emotional affair. I feel your pain and it tore me up for several days! Athol, thank you for the compliment, it took a lot of doing for me to get through it and I must admit I didn't feel very good about snooping on my wife but I had to make her honest again!

Outofthebox, based on your wife's reaction to the phone, it certainly appears that she is hiding something, otherwise it wouldn't have been a big deal. I know my wife has since password protected her Blackberry and that's OK with me, because I told her that she needed to be honest with me if something is amiss with us. I don't ever want to go through that again. I'm fairly certain that if I hadn't discovered what had been going on that the emotional affair would have become a physical one, and at that point I'm not sure what I would have done. I'm an old-fashioned guy and believe that it truly is "'til death do us part", but my trust in her would have been shattered. I have demonstrated a tremendous amount of foregiveness just in what was done and I never bring the past up with her. I never want to hold that over her because I certainly wouldn't want to be treated that way.

Listen, if she is conducting herself inappropriately either she or the Dude will slip up and you will have your evidence. I originally was going to let things play out and "catch them in the act", but where would that have left me? I did not want to see my wife set herself up for failure nor could I stand to live with that secret to play out for so long. I confronted her as soon as I had my proof (which the keylogger provided) and she could no longer deny the facts. The confrontation was emotional but well worth the effort; it saved her from physically cheating on me, embarrassment from the kids, and my own heartbreak. Man, if you truly think something's up, talk to her first and if she shrugs you off, you'll have to be a bit more creative. Let me know, I've been there Man and it was only this past summer...


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Mattie, why don't you want to post what you did on the forum? It could help a lot of other people.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

:iagree: with dobo.

Outofthebox, her response to your grabbing her cell phone was a HUGE sign. If my wife grabbed my cell phone, I would'nt care the least bit - I don't have anything to hide. You may have hit on your first clue there but as dobo said; you gave yourself away. Now, you probably won't be able to get a hold of the phone but if you help pay for the phone bill you can get your hands on phone records.


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## Mattie J (Sep 1, 2009)

Dobo,

Good point, I just didn't want to bore anyone. I will proceed in small installments if Outofthebox is interested. I just don't want to dominate this thread with my story, that is all. But I've been married coming up on 12 years and didn't really know that there was anything wrong with my marriage but I just didn't pay attention to the warning signs and then facebook came in and really latched on to my wife. I have an account as well but I have made it strict policy not to get involved with any previous old relationships, period. That can be very dangerous as I found out. Again, I'll share my story in more detail if that's what Outofthebox is looking for. I think I can help him...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I agree - we have the same deal. Any communication with another person is fair game.




dobo said:


> You shouldn't have done it in front of her. Dang. It will be harder now because she will delete evidence. So even if you tell her you are going to look NOW and that's just the way it is, she can prove you are paranoid and controlling, etc. Same w/emails.
> 
> My husband has permission to look in my purse and my phone. I'd prefer he not read my emails but if he did, it'd be OK. Again, if you've nothing to hide, there's no reason to pull "privacy" or "control" as an issue.
> 
> ...


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## Brianl364 (Oct 13, 2009)

Reading your post and the replies were so wierd as it sounds like me and you are in the same boat. I feel for you my friend. We are both in counseling and she just keeps telling me she wants to find who she is. I personally think and have told her the person in the mirror is who you are..mother,wife,teacher,friend,etc but I feel the real questions should be what makes you happy. At this time shes around me and its so sad. We started with sex dwindeling, kissing stopping and now shes so distant is heart breaking. I have been told to give her space. I suck at that. I am a fixer and know as one of your pervious posts says become the man she once loved again will do you better. Since then I have started doing a lot more for me. Has it worked. Not at all. Ive gone a week without initiating any contact. Did it work? No I broke first. We havent had sex in two weeks and running. Oddly enough I dont even want too. I came up with an idea that I had hoped would help. I asked her to participate in a task. Find one thing a day that you truly love about me adn tell me. I started. Two weeks and all I get is an "aww" when I tell her what I love about her. Last word from my advice coloum. If she wants to go out with friends go with her. My wife wanted to go out with some friends while I was at work. I work nights too. The morning I got home i got the I need to tell you something. She got nailed on the hood of the car by the guy who I thought I could trust. I was pissed and hurt sure. But more so its all part of what shes going through. She told me after that she didnt love me passionatly any longer but loves me dearly as her best friend! YIKES Only thing I can tell you is I have no idea what to tell you. Good luck and be all YOU can be. Shes going to travel a path your not invited to follow. If you paths emerge together again then you will have to decided to allow her back in. If you sit and chase her endlessly as I did for the first few months your going to make yourself nuts as i did.


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## OutoftheBox (Oct 8, 2009)

Thanks everyone for the help. I'm still a head case. The last couple days I've been triing to justify her actions and convincing myself that nothing is wrong and its all in my head. One thing is that she has the IUD birth control and it is well known that it lowers/diminishes sex drive. Along with mood swings. This has made me feel a little better but I find myself really kissing her ass more than ever in fear that she will/is cheating on me. The phone issue when she yanked it out of my hands is still bothering me beyond believe. I work nights driving across the state and back. I do nothing but listen to music and think. I cry everynight in confusion on what to do. I just don't wanna lose my son to everyother weekend crap! and I know thats what will happen. She just called me asking for my health insurance info so she can book a denist appointment. (She hates the denist! and never goes) Then she said she wants an eye examination at the eye doctor so she can get glasses. Whats with all this or am I just crazy. DAMN!


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## OutoftheBox (Oct 8, 2009)

oh yea, I bought the book "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" yesterday for us to read. Good move or bad. She acted excited about it but who knows.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Hey, no reason for you to lose your son. Don't asssume she is the best parent for him.


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## Mattie J (Sep 1, 2009)

Outofthebox,

Again, the only way to keep yourself from going crazy is to verify your suspicions either by direct communication with her (if you feel she is being honest with you) or by spying on her. I hate using that word because it makes me feel sneaky, but the bottom line is that's what I did to my wife (and I came clean about this with her when I confronted her). Breeching someone's privacy is not very loving in my mind but I had to do it for peace of mind. It only took a couple of days to confirm my suspicions, so it doesn't need to be drawn out. After the confrontation I assured her that I would never do it again but she had to agree to communicate openly with me when any issues develop. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt that she will uphold her end of the bargain and be honest with me. I can sleep good at night knowing that I'm holding up to my end. Funny though, since trust was damaged I'm still always a little concerned that it could happen again, but I don't let it get the best of me. Since you are on the road all night, that gives your mind an aweful lot of time to create various scenarios as to what she may or may not be doing. This is not doing you any good and can cloud your judgement. I think you need to verify whether your suspicions are legitimate or not, the sooner the better for the both of you because if in fact she is not doing anything wrong, your actions towards her are not helping your marriage at all.


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## OutoftheBox (Oct 8, 2009)

We are working on an appointment for some counseling right now.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

OutoftheBox-

Read the articles on my website about women who don't want sex. If you can see yourself described there, the solution will be obvious. It's linked to my signature.


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