# Husbands low self esteem is causing SERIOUS problems.



## zombielady81

We are going on our 2 year mark of marriage and things have just gotten increasingly worse. I knew my H had self esteem issues when we married, I also knew that they would occassionally cause some issues. I was more than happy to work through whatever popped up because of how much I love him and see the value in him and everything he is. I am finding myself becoming increasingly frustrated with our relationship because I feel as if his low self worth is wrecking us, it is becoming an exhausting fight to convince him that I love him and that I value him. 

I have 2 children from a previous marriage and they took to my new H right away. They adore him. He plays with them, teaches them things, and connects with them in very genuine ways. My H feels as if they do not love him because they can be disobedient (as kids occassionally are). He feels like they dislike him and disrespect him because they will occassionally try and pull a fast one on him, usually on a topic that they would not try with me. I tried explaining to him that this is because I have had their whole life to learn all of their quirks making it alot more difficult to get one by on me. They are kids, they are going to test limits. I try to get him to understand that he has a tough go, coming into an already established family and trying to earn a place of respect as a "dad". It is very different that having that role from the very begining. He has done an excellent job in trying to make it happen, but every little bump in the road causes him to revert back to them not loving him, or me siding with them. 

My H and I also have issues. They have gotten to the point, where I often feel as if I am fighting a losing battle. I try to put a great deal of forethought into what I do and say, as to not hurt him. I also try and include him in decisions, which I was not great about in the begining. I was coming off of being a single mom and having all of the decision making power. It was a bit of a transition. I feel as if I am pretty rational and emotionally solid in the way I do things. So when he gets angry with me I am often left a bit confussed. Our arguements have been getting worse and worse. I am just lost now. I know he does not love himself, which he has readily admitting. I feel like if his low self worth is preventing him from acknowleding and clearly seeing our intentions of love. 

Here are a few examples of arguements. 

My H drew up a some sketches of the kids and me.  I told him they were great. He did a fantastic job. I then told him he would have to do one of himself and we could frame them up somewhere. He was very adament about not doing one of himself. I persisted abit and said well not today, but perhaps another day. He made it pretty clear that he was not going to do one. The next morning I got up and saw a note from him asking me to pull out 3 frames from the closet so he could put up those sketches. (He was still sleeping). I did not want to use the frames from the closet, as they had pictures in them and I had just not gotten around to hanging them up after our move. While I was out running erronds I saw a frame at a store that held three photos. To me it seemed like it would work perfect for the sketches and it is tons easier to hang up one frame as opposed to three. When I got back home he was awake and I showed him the frame I picked up. I asked him if that would work. He instantly got angry and accused me of trying to exclude him. I was abit miffed, which made him even more angry. I tried explaining my choice and that it was based on him saying that he was not doing a sketch. He said I was just making excuses and trying to put my mistakes on him. I would not conceed to this. I would not agree that I was willingly trying to exclude him. I even suggested going out and getting a different frame that would work. To this he said I was just trying to placate him and not seeing that what I did was wrong in the first place. He said that had I really cared about him I would have gotten one that had four spots in it or four separate frames. I would have drawn a sketch of him or kept it empty until he decided to do one. He said this is what he would have done had the roles been reveresed. I saw that he was clearly bothered by this and tried to fix the situation by making a few suggestions, but all he could see what his hurt feelings and his outrage that I never thing of him. 

Another example happened just tonight. It was not a huge arguement, but it was something that could have easily launched into one had I chosen to engage. My H was making dinner, which is something we split duties on. He was trying out a new dish, which I encourage because I like exposing the kiddos to new things. It happened to be his favorite dish so I could tell he was super excited for us to try it. I was excited as well, I enjoy seeing him happy and excited about things. He asked me to try the sauce he was making. I gave it a taste, and was not wowed. He asked me what I thought and I answered honestly. Not with malice or a wrinkled nose. I said aw babe, sorry but that's probably not for me. It is a bit too sweet. He started to get angry. Upon seeing this I tried to defuse the situation by acknowleding how hard he had been working on it and that I knew he wanted us to share a fondness of one of his favorite foods. He responded by saying he had been working hard on it and he was going to be angry if no one liked it. I said, now hold on. Not everyone likes the same thing. There are times when you don't like what I cook and I do not take it personally. People prefer different things and that is ok, being different is ok. I told him not to take it personally that I did not like it. That did not mean it was bad, it simply meant that it wasn't for my taste buds. This seemed to defuse things abit. The family went on to eat the meal without anything noteworthy happening. I found myself having to say a few times that it wasn't horrible, it just wasn't something I would ask to have made again. I could take it or leave it. I had to mention repeatedly that it did not make it bad, it just made it not for me. 

I often find myself having to give compliments and boosts to my H. Which I don't mind, normally, but it seems like I am almost trying to convince him that the sky is purple sometimes. That is how over the top I feel like I have to be to get him to believe me. I also feel like I have to choose my words very wisely, for fear of hurting him or making him feel slighted. He seems to harbor a great deal of resentment towards me. I have asked him what it is that causes this. He says it is because I treat him horridly and that all he wants is to be valued and loved. He has told me that he doubts that we love him. I often feel at a loss because it seems no matter what I do or say he is not recieving the loving vibes we are sending his way. I feel as if no matter what I do sometimes, he is going to be angry. 

It literally makes me feel crazy because this is SO against who I am. I know that I am not cold hearted. I know that I do not hurt people's feelings intentionally and if I happen to make someone upset I try straight away to rectify it. 

I want to talk to him about it, but every time I do he manages to put it all on me. He only sees our problems as being a result of my actions. He says he is only angry and upset because I am hurting him. That I am the cause of our discord. We are at the breaking point. I do not know what to do. We love each other a great deal, I just need to get him to feel that. I am not sure he can if he continues to harbor this resentment. 

Just looking for some tips on how to talk to him about it, or possibly some advice. 

I love my H and my family. I want us to grow and get to a good place.


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## Early Grayce

Speaking from experience; low self esteem can be a result of growing up in a verbally abusive enviroment or years of customer service on the complaint desk.

You can get more insight here;
Self-esteem check: Too low, too high or just right? - MayoClinic.com
and here;
Self-esteem - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## Uptown

zombielady81 said:


> I feel as if his low self worth is wrecking us, it is becoming an exhausting fight to convince him that I love him and that I value him.


ZL, welcome to the TAM forum. The behaviors you describe -- low self esteem, always being "the victim," blame-shifting, verbal abuse, inappropriate anger, inability to realize you love him, and the distorted perception of your true intentions -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW suffers from. 

Significantly, every person on the planet occasionally exhibits all nine BPD traits, albeit at a low level if they are emotionally healthy. These traits are a problem only when they are sufficiently strong to undermine LTRs like marriages and friendships. It sounds like your H might have such traits at a moderate to strong level. If he does, you won't get far with MC because his issues are far more serious than a lack of communication skills. He would need individual counseling from a clinical psychologist.

Only a professional can determine whether he has traits that are so severe as to meet 100% of the diagnostic criteria for "having BPD," i.e., having the full blown disorder. Yet, even when they fall well short of that diagnostic threshold, they can easily destroy a marriage and make your life miserable. 

Although the full-blown disorder is difficult to diagnose, strong occurrences of the traits -- i.e., the red flags -- are easy to spot when you know what to look for. There is nothing subtle about traits such as inability to believe you, self-loathing, always being "the victim," and verbal abuse. I therefore suggest that you read about the traits to see if most of them sound familiar. If they do, I would encourage you to go to a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two on your own -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with.

An excellent book on the subject is the best-selling _Stop Walking on Eggshells._ It is targeted to the spouses of BPDers. Alternatively, an easy place to start reading on this forum is my description of BPD traits in Maybe's thread (about his unstable W) at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that discussion rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it and point you to excellent online resources. Take care, ZL.


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