# hb, a IT asked me " can u write software" when i asked him to help



## parlardematrimoni (Aug 11, 2014)

on kids and housework. 

I am stay home mother takes care our babies and houses. hb refuses to help around because, in his opinion, I don't help on his IT job, why should he help on job---housework of housewife. 

I lost stand to ask his help on housework, just feel he is wrong to say that, but don't know what to say to support my request: hb should help around for his wife who is housewife. 


it is kind of true I can't help his it job, so, why should he help me on my job: housework of housewife. 


i know he is wrong to tell me that when i ask him to help around, but don't know what to say after he told me he can't help me on my job--housework of housewife, since i can't help him on his IT job.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

How many kids do you have?
Do you work?

Does he fix things, do projects around house etc?


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Raising Kids is a job all of its own. House work and cooking is another job. Tell him to come home and raise the kids and cook and clean and see how he feels about it after a few months. 

I work in IT I am also a father. Your husband needs to help you with the house. 

Clay


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Speaking as a dad who's in IT... Your husband is an idiot. He fathered children. He has a responsibility to help raise them. 

Having said that, you already know all this. So what are you willing to do about it? You don't need a poll to figure out he's wrong. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I agree with others, I have been in IT and 2 other careers.

When I go to work, it's a break/easy stuff. When I get home it's when the REAL/HARD work begins.

Your job is WAY harder than anything he might have going on. He is making excuses to do NOTHING at home.

Chances are high that he is a super slacker at work and now he is bring that home!!!


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I'm a mom in IT. so is my husband. Does that mean that neither of us have to raise the kids?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
I think it depends on the details of the situation. In a marriage work should be shared - but that doesn't mean that you should keep track item by item of who is doing what.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> I'm a mom in IT. so is my husband. Does that mean that neither of us have to raise the kids?


LOL! I'm in IT too..this was pretty funny. :lol:

OP, that is not a valid reason for your husband to not help you around the house. The children are his too & he played a part in bringing them into this world. Just like he gets breaks at work, you are entitled to a break too. Being home with kids all day can take a toll on you as well.

My H works in a warehouse, he can't help me with my job just like I can't help with his. That doesn't mean that when we are both at home with our daughter that I do nothing for my child or vice versa.

I find it very condescending of your husband to say that to you. Not nice at all...


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

I think it depends on what you're talking about.

Extra-curricular projects around the house, I think he should help with. Its not part of the normal daily activity of the house. Examples would be repair jobs (that you can't do), painting, large organization projects, etc.

Cleaning...is your job. He should definitely keep the house tidy once you've done your job but he's not responsible for cleaning the house and laundry if you're at home every single day.

I'm always surprised by the number of SAHPs on this forum whining about doing the job they picked. There's many who understand that they've taken on the role of taking care of the kids and the home and do a wonderful job...then there's ones that think their working partner is supposed to come home and do their job.

Your "job" (and I use the term lightly) as a SAHP is to do standard home cleanup, small maintenance and to watch the kids.

Its almost a joke to me that this can't be accomplished. I raised two kids, kept an immaculate home and worked full-time plus often OT. I used to make dinner for my family every week night. We'd do leftovers Saturday and eat out Sunday.

When you have little kids...you have to keep a schedule and stay organized. If you keep to a cleaning schedule, its perfectly achievable to keep a clean house during a normal 8 hour workday. Cleaning a house takes a couple hours a day. If you clean as you go and teach your children how to tidy up after themselves, its really not that difficult. I used a bin system with my kids with labelling and it taught them not only how to clean but helped with teaching words & colors at an early age. I'd color-code the labels on the bins and they knew which tub each toy went in.

Personally, I'd never tolerate financially supporting a grown person...I believe in financial independence but since your husband has allowed you to stay home...at least recognize what your basic responsibilities are.

Again, if you're talking about special home maintenance projects, I agree that he should help or you & he should agree to hire someone.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

I think only a selfish jerk would say something as absurd as this.

He is working for fixed hours everyday. YOU?

On call 24*7.

Not fair.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

> Raising Kids is a job all of its own. House work and cooking is another job. Tell him to come home and raise the kids and cook and clean and see how he feels about it after a few months.
> 
> I work in IT I am also a father. Your husband needs to help you with the house.


LOL...are you serious? If you plan, you can make a full meal in about 30 minutes or less. 

A normal housecleaning day maybe takes 2 hours. 

Children nap, they play, they can watch a kid's show...or you can clean and cook with your children. My children learned about food by helping with dinner and I expected them to clean up their toys by the time they could walk.

There are working women who work full-time jobs, raise kids, have clean homes, and who make meals every day. If working women can do it, so can stay-at-home moms. 

I totally agree that this OP's husband has responsibilities with parenting the kids and the large house projects once he gets home. But cleaning, laundry, cooking and basic home organization shouldn't be any of it. That's her job since she's at home not working everyday.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

parlardematrimoni,

How many children do you have and what are their ages?

How many hours a week does your husband work + how long is his commute?

Are you having a problem keeping the house clean on a normal basis?

It is not clear from your post how much housework you are wanting him to do. Is your house a mess when he comes home and needing a lot of housework? Or are you talking about some minimal stuff here?

Basically you should both work at your jobs for the about the same number of hours.

So let’s say that he spend 9 hours a day with his job+commute.

So you are working as a SAHM for 9 hours a day.

In those 9 hours you should be able to clean the house, cook meals and take care of your children.

That means that when your husband comes home there is little to no housework to do.

In the evenings and on weekends any needed housework, cooking, and child care should be split 50/50. 

For example he comes home from work. Dinner is ready or almost ready. After you all eat dinner both you and your husband do the dishes and clean up the kitchen.

After that there is family time and the two of you share watching and playing with the children. At bath and bed time the two of you pitch in. Some days you both do it. Some days one or the other parent does it. This includes cleaning up after playing with the kids, cleaning up in the bathroom after baths, etc. But it should be close to a 50/50 split. 

On weekends it’s the same as on in the evenings but more. You and your husband should share cooking and cleaning up after meals. Normal picking up and keep rooms tidy is shared. Watching the children is shared.

It is not fair if you have to work as a SHAM/W 24/7 and he gets to work 9 hours a day and then come home to relax evenings and weekends with you doing everything at home. 

Nor would it be fair for him to work 9 hours a day and then come home and do all or half the housework.


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

im_tam said:


> I think only a selfish jerk would say something as absurd as this.
> 
> He is working for fixed hours everyday. YOU?
> 
> ...


Many IT workers are on call 24/7. I know I am. The days of exempt employee working 9-5 and going home to relax or long gone - unless you are a government employee 

The question is what are you doing while he is at work? If you are honestly working (cleaning, cooking, laundry, activities with children, etc) the entire time he is working - then you have a legitimate complaint. If you are working a few hours a day - and spending the rest of the time watching tv or doing hobbies then you have no complaint. *Sitting the kids in front of the tv while you watch or do hobbies doesn't count in my book.*

Since you have kids - wouldn't he want to spend some alone time with them when he isn't at work? Going to the park to play, etc... That would free you up to finish what you need to do and/or get a breather. And what kind of guy is going to moan about spending fun time with the kids?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Have not read the whole thread. But IT is not IT.

In general I would think that your hsuband still needs to contribute.

But how much really does depend. How many hpurs a week does he work? Over the years I have had to work 65 to 85 hours per week. Often enough up at 2am to 4am. There were periods I was working two jobs let alone going to school back in the day.

Does he have weekends off? But parents need to raise children. Again how much he can help depends on his job. Indeed he can decide to change his job as needed. Just be prepared that his income may drop.

When I managed a global team I was NEVER off. Any given night I might have to be up most or all of the night. I ended up changing jobs.
Oh and commute! My roundtrip commut added from 10 to 15 hours a week. It actually was better for me to have two jobs, let the traffic settle down and then come home after 10 pm.

Also, what your level of effort in depends on number and ages of children. If the kids go off to school then that should provide a certain amount of relief. Perhaps you can then go to work.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Nikita2270 said:


> LOL...are you serious? If you plan, you can make a full meal in about 30 minutes or less.
> 
> A normal housecleaning day maybe takes 2 hours.
> 
> ...



I have two kids. I also have a full time IT job. Programmer. In fact the time is around 11 PM.
My kids went to bed at 9:30 PM and here I am listening into one the the never ending conference calls.


One is a 3.5 year old and the other is year old.

Both of them do this:
Children nap, they play, they can watch a kid's show...

They just don't do it at the same time.

When I come home and take care of them....they tire me out. They tire me out like my job never does. 

I think just sitting with the kids is all that my wife needs me to do. And I am so glad to do that and some more.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Does he take care of lawn mowing and other chores?

How is your sex life? There were articles that stated that when husbands do a lot of household chores the couple don't have as much sex because they lose masculine sex rank.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

> When I come home and take care of them....they tire me out. They tire me out like my job never does.
> 
> I think just sitting with the kids is all that my wife needs me to do. And I am so glad to do that and some more.


By all means, when he comes home, he should spend time with the kids. Both spouses need parenting time.

I thought this OP was talking about regular household chores. That is not his job if he is working and she is not. To me, regular household cleaning, meals and laundry should be her daily responsibility as a SAHP.

Perhaps a gray area is after-dinner dishes. Also large projects that can't be accomplished within the confines of her 8-hour "workday" he should be helping with. But everything else is her responsibility.

I don't know where you work but work often wears me out. When I get home, I'm tired. If I had the burden of an adult in my house not contributing to the financial responsibilities and they also weren't cleaning, cooking or doing laundry...there's no way I'd stand for that nonsense. Its a load of crap. 

As a working mother, I think its a joke when I hear SAHPs talking about how hard it is to keep a house clean and watch kids. Unless you have handicapped children who require most of your time, there's ZERO reason why a SAHP can't keep a clean house, cook and watch kids. I'm always shocked when the working parent who's actually out earning a living puts up with some lazy adult sponging off of them and not contributing their equal share.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

Perhaps the OP has a baby and isn't getting much sleep. I know my husband has ordered out food quite a bit for the first two months of our son's life. I cooked when I could, but sleeping only 2 or 3 hours at a time left me drained. It was all I could do to keep the house organized and clean on a newborn schedule. If her kids are older, then I think she should be able to manage this better on her own. However, hubby should always help with the kids. If he doesn't want to do dishes, then he needs to watch the kids while she does.


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## parlardematrimoni (Aug 11, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> I'm a mom in IT. so is my husband. Does that mean that neither of us have to raise the kids?


I laughed at your respond. feel better. thanks to u and everybody here.


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## parlardematrimoni (Aug 11, 2014)

thank u all for your support. next time when he says that again, I will forward link of ur opinion to him.

he works out of town, each time 4-25 days, no baby sitting money left for me when he is out, unless I am sick. ( we have 2years old, 1 year old, infant0)

when he is back home, I want him to watch kids for me then I can have a break, but he will sleep to 11am at a daily base when he is home, then at 12, I get lunch ready, instead of thanks me to let me sleep in every day when he is home, he complains at a daily base I haven't giving him time to do his things. 

to fit his schedule, I ask him to watch our kids for me afternoon then I can go out to have a break, he shouts with " blackened face" that I don't need to go out, or question me " u want to go out to have fun and music, u think u r teenage, is that u don't want to b mother of your own children", I left children to him, went out to then he called children service to harass me when he is out of town.

home project? not much. if there is any, he will tell me he has headache, he is tired from the trip ( every night when he is home he will not sleep until 2 am.), bula...bula....bula..., he will not do it until I get on him.

formal dinning is full of his junk for over 5 years, other rooms, full of dumpster like mess made by his kids/my stepchildren over years, they have never picked up their mess over times in these 7 years, since I and him get married. hb thinks it's my job to do it, because I am shm. instead of appreciate I haven't get on a.ss to make him and his kids pick up their mess which actually endangered the life of me and my kids, he stayed overnight out of home when he is not working for over 2 wks, never call / text me to ask how our babies doing, because I refused to pick up these dumpster mess made by his kids. 

I make my little 2 years old pick up, keep dinning room, kitchen clean, rest of house , I give up



grass? he hired a guy to do it, but he moans he has no money to pay babysitter or preschool for our children. 


thanks again to y'all


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

make him a deal. write some lines of code, and have him do the bathrooms.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

murphy5 said:


> make him a deal. write some lines of code, and have him do the bathrooms.




```
/**
 * The HelloBathroomApp class implements an 
 * application that simply prints "Hello Bathroom!" 
 * to standard output.
 */
class HelloBathroomApp {
    public static void main(String[] args) {
        System.out.println("Hello Bathroom!"); // Display the string.
    }
}
```
Java 4 Ever


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Nikita2270 said:


> LOL...are you serious? If you plan, you can make a full meal in about 30 minutes or less.
> 
> A normal housecleaning day maybe takes 2 hours.
> 
> ...


Lot of what you said is true, BUT it depends on # of kids, size of the house......AND HUSBAND.

Also, lot of pressure/anxiety and the hard part of being SAH Parent is TIME. As the days go by, weeks, months.....the constant daily commitment wears on people and becomes extremely difficult. When you multiply, triple or quadruple # of kids......it's a domino effect. Same for house size and husband assistance/commitment. All of these things add up.

Not everyone can do it. 

I think the work itself might not be the hardest on the surface, but it becomes extremely hard over time. 

ANYONE that has to work 24/7 WILL break down IN TIME. I don't care what it is that you do....it will happen.

That's why spouse support is important. Not just for "relief" but for companionship. As long as the couple is together doing things, or working one assist with as much as they can it makes things 1 million times better.

I've said it before and I will say it again. Stay at home Parent (when done proper) is not only the most important job but also the most difficult job on this planet.

This is what OP's husband needs to accept and understand. I would suggest OP to approach his parents from "let's" perspective. 

Rather than tell him what to do, when to do it or nagging. Put a smile on your face, approach him maybe with a touch and ask him to join you with whatever it is that you need help with. Approach it from "companionship" perspective vs duty.

And of course make sure he is rewarded later on the night on regular basis.


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## parlardematrimoni (Aug 11, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> parlardematrimoni,
> 
> How many children do you have and what are their ages?
> 
> ...


thanks to y'all, I will keep this as schedule w. hb on housework and kids, I used to do everything on both housework and kids, since he told me I can't help him on his job to write software.


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