# Feeling resentful



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I am in the real estate business. Prior to the Great Recession business was humming along. I was paying the bills and saving some money and things seemed to be going smoothly. When the mortgage meltdown hit, my business was devastated and my income feel to next to nothing. In the meantime, my creditors began to slash my credit lines and raise my payments and interest rates. I burned through my savings and liquidated my savings and retirement in an effort to keep the wolves at bay. Eventually these ran out and business remained slow. As I got farther behind on payments, the collection calls began. They would tell me to sell blood to make payments or have a garage sale. All the while the interest began piling up. I begged my creditors for time, offered to make token payments, anything. They all refused. In the meantime the job market dried up and so finding a job in my field wasn't an answer. And just taking a job to get a paycheck wouldn't begin to pay the bills. I finally decided to file bankruptcy. Before I made the decision I discussed the issue with my wife, who told me she didn't want to know anything about it. Time has passed and my business has recovered, but I worry constantly about money. Now my wife has decided to leave me because I am too uptight and worry too much. I told her about how alone and betrayed I felt and that was why I worried so much. She said she didn't offer any support because it was my fault for not taking a job and that my decision to start a business was to the detriment of our family. She, nor our children have ever gone without. I feel like I lost everything for her.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I saw your other thread. I think you will get much better advice if you combine this information into your other thread. You can copy and paste them into one. Yours is a complicated story, but neither thread gives the "whole picture."

Welcome to TAM. I'm sorry for what you are going through.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Sorry, my mind is reeling and going in a million different directions all at the same time. I don't know if I could explain everything if I tried.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

IT does not matter if you can explain everything. What was suggested is that you stick to one thread. That way it's easy for people to get current on your story quickly.

Add your first post here to your other thread and delete this one. You will get a lot more support that way.


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## WatchmansMoon (Mar 6, 2013)

I feel very badly for you, YNot. So sorry you're facing this. I read your second similar post the others are referring to. Although you (or others) may feel it's too late for counseling, I still think you should pursue it, even if by yourself. If anything, it may help you sort out your own feelings and pain over what's happening. 
The concerns you described about your finances and family sound very normal for a husband to be worried about. It's strange that your wife said you worry too much. I know not all wives understand this is something men should rightfully be worried about. If you weren't concerned, that would be more of a problem ~ and you'll find lots of threads here and across the internet where wives are wishing their husbands DID care about these matters.
I don't have answers for you ~ just encouragement that your efforts and actions are normal. Marriage should not be so easily disposed of as your wife appears to be treating it, so I applaud you for doing all you can to bring reconciliation, if that's possible. She may come around, maybe not, but you're on track getting counseling and doing all that you can. Hang in there!


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Ynot said:


> I am in the real estate business. Prior to the Great Recession business was humming along. I was paying the bills and saving some money and things seemed to be going smoothly. When the mortgage meltdown hit, my business was devastated and my income feel to next to nothing. In the meantime, my creditors began to slash my credit lines and raise my payments and interest rates. I burned through my savings and liquidated my savings and retirement in an effort to keep the wolves at bay. Eventually these ran out and business remained slow. As I got farther behind on payments, the collection calls began. They would tell me to sell blood to make payments or have a garage sale. All the while the interest began piling up. I begged my creditors for time, offered to make token payments, anything. They all refused. In the meantime the job market dried up and so finding a job in my field wasn't an answer. And just taking a job to get a paycheck wouldn't begin to pay the bills. I finally decided to file bankruptcy.* Before I made the decision I discussed the issue with my wife, who told me she didn't want to know anything about it. *


I'm sorry. Full stop. From your other thread, it is clear that she works. Why is the money problem all your problem? And she is caring so much about the family that she _doesn't want to know anything about it??!!??_



> Time has passed and my business has recovered, but I worry constantly about money. Now my wife has decided to leave me because I am too uptight and worry too much. I told her about how alone and betrayed I felt and that was why I worried so much. She said she didn't offer any support because it was my fault for not taking a job and that my decision to start a business was to the detriment of our family. She, nor our children have ever gone without. I feel like I lost everything for her.


You can't see it now, nor will you feel relief until later. But your wife is an entitled princess who needs HER ass kicked to the curb.


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## debster (Dec 17, 2012)

I haven't read your other thread but would like to comment here because I think I can offer some perspective possibly from your wife's point of view. I work hard and actually make significantly more income than my husband. Consequently, I let him handle the finances and he made a mess of them. Since then, I have acknowledged my part in this mess, because I, like your wife did not want to have anything to do with managing the finances. Even though I don't mind working to support our family, because he was the lower income earner, I always felt the pressure of my job and my needs to be partially provided for were not met. So I'm not making an excuse for her, but just trying to explain the female psyche on matters of livelihood. It's not all your fault, but she has to acknowledge her role in it, if there is a chance to save your marriage. It's extremely important that both partners are putting in equal effort, regardless of earnings, in order to feel the commitment to improving the situation.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

debster said:


> I haven't read your other thread but would like to comment here because I think I can offer some perspective possibly from your wife's point of view. I work hard and actually make significantly more income than my husband. Consequently, I let him handle the finances and he made a mess of them. Since then, I have acknowledged my part in this mess, because I, like your wife did not want to have anything to do with managing the finances. Even though I don't mind working to support our family, because he was the lower income earner, I always felt the pressure of my job and my needs to be partially provided for were not met. So I'm not making an excuse for her, but just trying to explain the female psyche on matters of livelihood. It's not all your fault, but she has to acknowledge her role in it, if there is a chance to save your marriage. It's extremely important that both partners are putting in equal effort, regardless of earnings, in order to feel the commitment to improving the situation.


Debster, I appreciate your opinion. As we have moved forward or backwards depending on how you look at it, my wife is unhappy that we have not attained the level of material wealth that she seems to desire (new house, more money, in short the TV fantasy of the way life is supposed to be). She feels that I should have placed this resentment and anger behind me because that is what she claims to have done. Yet in any discussion regarding finances, her first reaction is to always point out that all of this happened because I "had to be self employed and refused to work for some one else". Although she nor our children ever went without, she wanted the security of a steady paycheck (apparently even if it was significantly less than what was being made at the time).


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

So, "for richer or poorer" didn't mean anything?

I know. 'Life is more complicated than that'. I feel for you bud, cause I went through similar stuff being in the construction industry myself. didn't quite get to bankruptcy, but had to do a debt settlement negotiation thing and lost almost life savings.

anyway, my thoughts are that leaving someone for $$$ alone when they've been trying (not a deadbeat, work hard, et) says more about the person leaving than the one struggling.

unless there's other stuff in the equation, then I may have to agree with above poster, that maybe she's not 'worth it?'

This is not what vows are about. sorry


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

jorgegene said:


> So, "for richer or poorer" didn't mean anything?
> 
> I know. 'Life is more complicated than that'.


It really isn't! When my husband lost his job, we tightened our belts and made a plan. When we agreed that it was better for the kids for me to be home, we tightened our belts and made a plan.

You know. They call that marriage. And family.


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## debster (Dec 17, 2012)

Ynot said:


> Yet in any discussion regarding finances, her first reaction is to always point out that all of this happened because I "had to be self employed and refused to work for some one else". Although she nor our children ever went without, she wanted the security of a steady paycheck (apparently even if it was significantly less than what was being made at the time).


I guess it's time to get the facts on the table. That may be her perception and the truth may be somewhere in between. Until she accepts what's done is done and now you both are trying to go on from here. Is she willing to work with you and quit with the resentment? If she can let it go, then there's hope, but it has to be her decision. How can you convince her to decide? Write a new history. Understand what from the past was not working on your part and make changes to this. You can't change her but you can change her thinking by changing your behaviour. Were you unilaterally making decisions about your business and not taking her input? Were you both basing you decisions on emotions and not facts? Letting go of the resentment is tough but it can be done. That's what brought me to TAM in the first place. I needed to figure out how to forgive him and let go of the resentment. When his behaviour started to change, it made it a lot easier because I realized this time it's different. Not the same old same old. This gave me hope but I also made a lot of changes in me that was not working and contributing to the problem. Good luck!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

You said your wife left you because of your constant worries.

What have you done about this to put her mind at ease and change yourself?

You need to focus on THIS particular item FIRST. 

I mean can you blame her? It would be really depressing to be around a person like you if you kept dwelling on it each and every day.

Look, what happened doesn't matter. What you DO with it is what matters.

you said "cant take a job cause it won't put a dent into things"........IMO this is wrong. You change careers and take WHATEVER job that you can find. 

ANYTHING or any income is better than NOTHING. So far, all I hear from you is that you are digging yourself deeper into a hole.

Your wife probably feels the same way.

Heck you didn't even BOTHER to look for a job within your field as you had 0 optimism about finding ANYTHING.

Think about this, you gave up and ASSUMED before you even tried. 

What you need to do is TAKE ACTION. Find a job, do something/ANYTHING but remain positive and optimistic.

Also prove to your wife that you are able to deal with it all.

I also find it VERY HARD to believe you that she left you because of this ONLY. I know for FACT that there was more. I have a feeling your worries etc took over your personality and probably disabled you from being a good father/husband.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

DoF said:


> You said your wife left you because of your constant worries.
> 
> What have you done about this to put her mind at ease and change yourself?
> 
> ...


You very much nailed it head on. I had become for lack of a better word - hopeless. I had had financial problems including a bankruptcy which I felt would prevent me from ever getting a meaningful job in my field. The financial problems led to a complete halt to the on-going renovations to our house (which I had been doing myself. My job had changed to the point that I had come to hate it. I was entering middle age with no savings, no retirement, a large mortgage, a house I felt I could never sell and a job that I hated. Then in addition to all of the above my daughter to whom I was very close to decided to move two and a half hours away.
When my l\wife decided to leave it was as if a nuclear bomb had gone off in my life. It blew me completely out of my rut. I decided I could no longer live in the house if she wasn't going to be there. I swear at that point my family may have found me with my head blown off from a self inflicted gun shoot if I had been there during the holidays. 
I called my neighbor and made him an offer. He owns the farm that surrounds our house and agreed to m full asking price - cash deal, no appraisals, no inspections. I ended up paying off the mortgages and we pocketed about $20,000. 
I sent an email to my biggest client while on the phone with neighbor inquiring about employment opportunities. Less than 72 hours later I had a job offer - for a higher position than I had applied for at a higher salary than I had sought. The real kicker was the job offer was in the town my daughter had moved to, so now I am less than 20 minutes from her and get to see her regularly. 
The new job actually pays more than I made from my business Plus I have the added benefit of knowing that every two weeks a set amount of money will be automatically deposited into my bank account. Whereas before I was constantly worrying about when I might get paid from clients and was constantly juggling finances to pay bills before they became late. I had always put off purchases for fear that I would need the money to pay a bill if someone didn't pay or business got slow.
So in nearly simultaneous fashion four of the biggest stressors of my life were instantly resolved - all to my benefit.
I have since moved and have my own apartment. My income has actually stabilized at an increased level while my expenses have been reduced dramatically. I live near my daughter. I like my new job and find it challenging and exciting. I have started working out again.
In the meantime I have had several episodes of deep self discovery. It has been both enlightening and upsetting at the same time. For much the same reason - I never realized just how deep of a hole I had dug for myself. I never want to allow that to happen again.
Recognizing my role in the marital problems has allowed me to understand the issues much more clearly. With that understanding a lot of my general anxieties have dissipated. I have thanked my wife for knocking me out of my rut and apologized for her having to be on the other end of dealing with me. Since that discussion our relationship has improved. We text regularly and often I am able to make her laugh, which had been missing from my personality for quite some time.
I do not know if it is too late for the two of us but I am really to try. I am making the changes to me that I needed to make. I feel she has left the door open to possibly working things out, but for now the ball is in my court. And it is up to me to do my part. I understand there are no guarantees, but regardless of what happens I will still come out of this a better me.


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