# Sex in marriage winding down



## Erin (Jun 19, 2013)

I've been in a monogamous marriage for 7 years. 

I love my husband, he is my best friend, but for the first 5 years of our relationship/ first 3 of our marriage I was on birth control. 

It killed my libido, I never wanted to have sex. But I love my husband and so we would have intercourse. I was hardly ever able to orgasm despite both our best efforts, so I just always told him not to worry about it.

The longer I have been off birth control, the more libido I have, but he isn't interested in that. I mean to say that I try to make it interesting, but he thinks of me as a friend.

So I have been masturbating recently, a lot. This is something I never did in the past, because I wasn't really interested in sex. I think of him as a friend too, and he just doesn't "get me going" as it were. BUT I obviously don't want to cheat...so it is what it is.

He has stated before that if you think of someone else or have fantasies while masturbating, that it is as good as cheating, so I don't really know what to do, and I can't stop feeling guilty.

Any thoughts?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

If it is what it is, then it is.

If neither your nor your H want to have sex with each other, what is the point of being married to each other?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Thinking of someone else while masturbating is not cheating so put that out of your mind.

It may be that all the years of you really not wanting sex left him feeling it wasn't worth the effort. And now that you DO want sex, in his mind he feels that he shouldn't be responsive to you needs since you weren't responsive to his.

it may take a while but keep trying to initiate. Get him to try things with you that will get you off. Make it as interesting for him as it is for you.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I always wonder what goes through a woman's mind when she kills her husband's sex drive through years of neglect then hers comes back and he's no longer into her.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

But if that's really the case WOE, why would he care if she masturbates and why would he consider that cheating?


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Erin said:


> He has stated before that if you think of someone else or have fantasies while masturbating, that it is as good as cheating, so I don't really know what to do, and I can't stop feeling guilty.
> 
> Any thoughts?


Why would he say this if he didn't have sexual feelings towards you?

If you two really love each other and have a great friendship, you can move past this. You have to start courting, flirting, teasing each other. It won't take long to wake up your desires for each other, it just may take some effort. And who knows, it might be fun.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> But if that's really the case WOE, why would he care if she masturbates and why would he consider that cheating?


Also, in the OP's defense, she says that they did have sex....but she had no libido due to BC. Doesn't sound like she refused sex with him.....likely just didn't initiate.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

daffodilly said:


> Also, in the OP's defense, she says that they did have sex....but she had no libido due to BC. Doesn't sound like she refused sex with him.....likely just didn't initiate.


Actually bad duty sex is more sex-drive-killing than no sex at all. It wears you down gradually until you wonder what the whole point is.

And his comments on masturbation were said "before". I can't even tell if he knows she is masturbating now.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

somehow you have to get the spark back. read books. watch porn. go away for a romantic weekend. keep trying. is he shutting you out out of spite, or he really lost his sex drive? do you have sex at all anymore?

I do not think that fantasizing about other people while masturbating (or even being intimate with your H) is cheating. I have fantasies that involve lots of people at a time, and not for one split second would I ever think about cheating. It is so not the same thing.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Actually bad duty sex is more sex-drive-killing than no sex at all. It wears you down gradually until you wonder what the whole point is.
> 
> And his comments on masturbation were said "before". I can't even tell if he knows she is masturbating now.


Well when you been starving for years you'd be happy for duty sex scraps.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

I would bet your husband, might possibly considered he 
has failed you sexually in the past as he could never
get you to orgasm.

I would bet his self esteem as a husband/lover is damaged.
The only advice is honest communication with him and
how you want to repair and get that intimacy spark 
back.Some of us husbands, would love to watch our wifes
masturbate.

If you can orgasm on your own,could you teach your husband
what he needs to do?

Good Luck


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## WellyVamp (Apr 26, 2013)

The brith control pill is known to kill libido in a lot of women. It's a common side effect. So, don't beat yourself up over that. 

Also, thinking about someone else when you masturbate isn't cheating. Most of the men and women here think of other people when they masturbate. If your husband masturbates (which he probably does), he probably does it too. Would men here agree?

It's just normal.

I don't know what to suggest, as I'm having a dry spell recently and my partner isn't very interested in me. Good luck though.


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

Ignore what everyone is telling you about your guilty feelings. Those who write such things have long surpassed hardening their hearts to the guilt conscious. The guilt you are experiencing is there for a reason. It is to keep you in check that you are delving in areas that are not morally right. Where does this guilt come from?

I don't care what psychologist tries to excuse the guilty complex, but it is NOT something you have conjured up yourself or it just magically appeared out of no where and for no good reason. The guilt comes from God.

I don't know if you are religious or not, but I do believe that God has written morality on all people's hearts...whether you believe in God or not...you cannot escape morality. You can suppress it, harden your heart to it, and pretend it does not exist, but it is still there. And it will gnaw at you day and night until your do something about it!

So what do you do! You nip it in the butt! You cut it off! Stop doing the very thing that makes you feel guilty. If it is masturbating that makes you feel guilty, than stop it. If it is lust that makes you feel guilty, than stop it. However, I think the two of you need to go to marriage counseling. You two have gotten to a place where your communication is not functioning the way a healthy marriage should be. You need an outside source, because the answers in this forum cannot offer face-to-face connection and communication that can only be given in the presence of a third party. If you go to church, most churches have marriage pastors that you can speak with for free. Of course, their advice will be more morally directed, which I highly recommend.

I want your marriage to thrive and be the best it can be, but doing what you are doing will not solve anything, it will not fix him, and it will not restore the joy of your marriage the way it was when you first got married; which is what you desire. You can have it again, but you need outside intervention.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I always wonder what goes through a woman's mind when she kills her husband's sex drive through years of neglect then hers comes back and he's no longer into her.


So true, so very true. :iagree::iagree:


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## Erin (Jun 19, 2013)

Thank you all for your interesting and varied replies.

We have talked through all of the issues. 

He says it would be stupid (and I agree) on putting a good marriage on hold because of lack of sex, there are many couples who love each other very much, but don't have sex. 

I asked him if he would like to be with anyone else. He told me I was ridiculous...

He says he doesn't and hasn't ever blamed me for not having a libido on birth control. Let me put to rest the "service sex" comment. I never forced myself. I enjoyed being intimate with him because he enjoyed it. I enjoyed the connection with him. I was just never "Horney" does that make sense?

He says its normal for a guy his age (30's) not to be interested, and it isn't just me, he isn't interested in anyone. He has been very open about it, and says that I haven't killed anything, that it is just gone and he feels that it is perfectly normal and we need to adjust to it.

He says its great if I want to masturbate, I just need to think of him while it happens or it is cheating. 

I have suggested marriage counseling many times and he says we have no problem, if I want to see one on my own its fine, but there is nothing wrong with him, so I don't need to drag him in some where to discuss my problems, I can do that with him, at home. 

So, just doing my best to work things out for me. 

Thank you to everyone for your input and/or support.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I always wonder what goes through a woman's mind when she kills her husband's sex drive through years of neglect then hers comes back and he's no longer into her.


So, because she took on the responsibility of birth control....by going on the pill.....and it killed her drive, which, I will tell you from my own experience, it does.....that translates into neglect? She willfully neglected her husband?

Don't get me wrong, I'm the HD drive in my marriage, and I believe more than anything that sex is one of the most important things in a marriage. But I was on BC for many, many years, bc hubby did not care for condoms. So I obliged. Frankly, though, having been on the pill so long I did not even notice how it killed my drive...until I got off it when he had a V. I never turned him down while I was on it, but I will admit I rarely initiated those years and didn't tackle sex with the same enthusiasm as I do now. Would you consider that neglect? I don't, because it certainly wasn't intentional. I didn't refuse and didn't treat it like a reward....but my drive just wasn't there. I'm giving the OP the benefit of the doubt that her situation may be similar. Sounds like they had sex, just not terrific sex. If I could do anything over in the beginning of our marriage, I would definitely not use any hormonal BC methods.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

Whoops, Erin, posted as the same time as you!

Glad things worked out.


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## Erin (Jun 19, 2013)

Things aren't worked out per se on my end, just on his lol. I just gotta deal with it, I guess. 

Thanks daffodilly


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Erin said:


> Thank you all for your interesting and varied replies.
> 
> We have talked through all of the issues.
> 
> ...


Erin, your husband could be a great guy for all I know. I am not suggesting here that he isn't. But he is not looking at this marriage as a two way street. He is OK with the arrangement. For what ever reason he is content in a sexless marriage and it seems to me that he expects you to be also - just because he is. He is not listening to you or considering your feelings, needs, wants, desires, etc. And he doesn't seem to care that you have needs that he can meet but refuses to.

The first thing I would do is have him get a complete check up, including his hormone levels. It is not normal, and at the least it could be his testosterone, at the most it could be more serious.

Second, don't let him negate your needs. This is your marriage too and you should not have to shove your basic human needs down just because they are not important to him. I am sorry to say, but to me this is a form of emotional abuse.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

While getting off thinking about other people is not cheating and is actually quite normal .......

I will tell you theta the problem lies in the frequency. Seriously.. We program ourselves. IF we think about a real person and do this often enough, we feed our desire for them. It will program us to continue in this way.

If they are not a real person we know it is less harmful of course. However if this is consistent we train ourselves even further to cut ourselves away from our spouse.

It has to do with programming our behavior.

I can tell you for a fact you can fall back in love with a person if you use these programming techniques and affirmations.

Indeed you issues are bigger than just this. But your question about cheating is not the issue. It is programing your sexual reponse.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Entropy said: "It is programing your sexual reponse."

Just like porn does.

.


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