# At my wits end



## seperated&confused (Oct 5, 2010)

First of all please disregard my screen name, I am no longer seperated but am still really confused.

I am desperatley trying to save my marriage but feel that I am fighting a losing and one sided battle.

There is infidelity in the past on both of our parts. I don't know why she cheated, but I know what led me to cheat.
I'm not trying to put the blame on my wife, and I'm not trying to make excuses for my actions, because ultimately no one is responsible for my actions other than me.

My wife has been diagnosed with ADD, Anxiety, and Depression, and over the years it seems that is has gotten worse. She has tried several different medications and some work better then others. But it seems that there is no long term fix.

Years of dealing with an emotionally detached wife got to me, and when faced with the opprotunity of getting the affection I so desperately needed I wasn't strong enough to say no.

We seperated for a few months, and we have been back together for a few months now. I am doing everythign possible to regain her trust. I have broken contact with friends, I have quit drinking. I call her to check in often if I am not with her. But no matter what I do and no matter how honest I am, and how hard I work at not giving her any reason to doubt me, she still thinks I am lying and cheating. I feel like no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to show my love, it is still not good enough. She has a way of always finding something to be unhappy about. 

I understand that once trust is broken it it very hard to get back, but she has broken my trust as well. We have been to a few counsellors and they felt like a waste of time. We are currently trying to find another counsellor that can hopefully help us through this.

We have a 1 yo daughter together, and a 10yo stepdaughter that I consider my own. I feel that the only reason that she is still around is because of the children.

I understand that wounds take time to heal, and I understand that is will take time for her to know that I am sincere in wanting to save our marriage. What I can't handle is the up and downs. We will be fine for a few days, and really enjoybeing with each other, then out of nowhere she is talking about leaving again. Alot of times when we are discussing things, as hard as I try, I simply cannot understand where she is coming from. I try to sympathize with the way she is feeling I try to be compasionate, but what she says just makes no sense to me. I feel like it is the depression talking and not her.

I am trying to save our marriage because I know that the girl that I married is still there somewhere, and that connection is resparked at times and when it is there our marriage is great.

Someone please tell me that I am not the only one that has to go through something like this. I am to the point where I am starting to question my own sanity. Thanks for listening to my rant.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

It is hard to get past it when someone cheats on you. And if she also suffers from anxiety, and her meds aren't treating it, or not treating it right, anxiety is also going to play a part.

Someone suffering from anxiety can worry about things that don't even need to be worried about. They'll worry about minor things like what to wear to work the next day, or major but unlikely things like that a storm will come through and destroy their home. Give them something legit to worry about, say that their spouse might cheat (since they have before) and their anxiety can really run with that. 

I think the first thing she needs to do is if her meds aren't working right for her, she needs to see her doctor and see about getting that resolved. Getting meds that actually help will go a long way towards helping with everything else. Once that's resolved, then some counseling to help her dealing with her anxiety over you cheating, and perhaps some marriage counseling together to help you both figure out why you each cheated and help you communicate better and get over the past. 

You don't mention how you feel about her cheating on you. Is this because you've gotten past it or is it because you're so busy dealing with her and trying to reassure her that you haven't really dealt with your own feelings?


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## seperated&confused (Oct 5, 2010)

We are trying to get her in to a doctor, it is getting frustrating, her regular Dr can't see her until the middle of next month, and all the other dr's we call are either not accepting new patients or don't even call us back. It's hard to stay positive and persistant when it seems that no one wants to help.

She cheated on me a few years ago, and it was very hard to get past, and I still get upset when something serves as a reminder. But I have made a decision to forgive her, and not let the past haunt me.

She admitted that I am doing everything that I need to be doing, and she sees the effort that I am putting forward, but she still can't let go of the past.


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## Shelda (Dec 11, 2008)

I commend you for staying with a person who has ADD but sounds like you have your own issues as well.Only If you both want to make it work will it work.Take time to talk and be honest and open with your feelings.I once watched this movie called Fireproof it helps you look at the other person and yourself I would recommend this movie to you.All the Best


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