# Question for those whose spouse left for OP



## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

I also posted this in cwi 

I am trying really hard to accept that my stbxwh has left me for the other person. He makes it very difficult because he says he misses me and sometimes is confused. Not so confused that he is stopping divorce proceedings. He is clear that he wants a future with her and says he is love with her. For me its ILYBINILWY. He confessed yesterday that he met her kids while he and I were in false r. So while he was pretending with me, they were already coming out in front of her kids and all of her friends knew about me and that she has been with married man all these years. WTF?? How can you have a friend that does this and remain her friend. Anyway like I said I am trying to accept this but my question is this. Is your x still with the ap they left you for or did it fall apart? If they are still together how do you handle seeing them or your kids being exposed to them? Now that I know they are taking steps to have a real life together the mind movies won't quit. My anxiety level is at new high. How can they leave their kids to go play house with someone elses?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I'm sorry you are going through this, cantmove. I don't understand this myself, but I really think that what everyone says about the 'fog' is true. The hardest thing for the LBS is knowing how it will all turn out, and if there's a chance to have a relationship again with the WS. 

It's really hard, but you have to distract yourself. I won't tell you to stop thinking about it, because I know you can't force yourself to not think about something without thinking about it even more!! 

Focus on yourself and your kids. They will need you to be the stable parent. That doesn't mean that you have to be stoic, but try to keep things as routine for them as possible. I would not recommend movies or TV because you never know when something will trigger thoughts (I say this from experience  ). But maybe taking a class where you're around other people and can talk and laugh, or doing a workout with a group (rather than just being on a treadmill and ruminating) can be great and healthy distractions. It's really important for your mental and physical health that you lower your stress. 

If you think it will help, ask your doctor for an anti-depressant or sleep medication to help you get over the hump. I just got a new one added to my meds 2 weeks ago today, and it's been a miracle, I swear. I've been able to stop thinking about STBXH and how much I miss him, and wondering why and how he's doing what he's doing, and I'm starting to have hope for my own life, and I'm having more fun with my kiddo. 

Really, take good care of yourself!! ((hugs))


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

cantmove said:


> He confessed yesterday that he met her kids while he and I were in false r. So while he was pretending with me, they were already coming out in front of her kids and all of her friends knew about me and that she has been with married man all these years. WTF?? How can you have a friend that does this and remain her friend. Anyway like I said I am trying to accept this but my question is this. Is your x still with the ap they left you for or did it fall apart?


My husband's OW lives with her parents.. no only do they know about him being married but they have from the start (about 15 years on & off) The accept it, although when I had my daughter 7 years ago they did stop speaking to her for a week. (??) 

They accept that her boyfriend is married with a family & have bought whatever crap they have tld them about me.. I can only imagine the harriden I have been painted as... I will never understand why they have not issued an ultimatum either to my husband or to their daughter.. all I can say is I know where she learned her morals from (the apple doesnt fall far from the tree).

I am in this situation now because every time she has persuaded him to leave he has come back or asked to come back when the reality of living with her as sunk in. First couple of times he moved in with her family - hated it! (wow really?!!) 

Last time rented & moved into a house with her.. was back asking me to take him back within a month. I held out for 10 months scratchhead stupidly took him back after months of him begging, promises and gestures.. Either way the reality was much different to the fantasy.

This time it's me who wants him out, although I'm sure she will gladly hae him he's dragging his feet about leaving & the divorce, saying I'm the only one who wants it, I won't try and work it out etc etc (FFS!!! you used up your last chance years ago) 

From what I have read on other threads it is likely it won't last - reality will burst the little bubble they are living in very quickly. She will have to follow through on alot of promises made about their fantasy life together, you know the kind of thing... I wouldn't talk to you like that, I'd lt you play on your x box every night & ignore me, I'd come and watch you jetski while I sit on the beach watching your mates wife get drunk & let her kids run riot, I'd give you a Bj whenever you asked... blah blah blah..

As for her meeting my daughter, well I'm afraid I am adamant on that one. She comes within 100 yards of her & I'll rip her head off. From what I know about her she is jealous of me & the fact that I am married to the scumbag and that we have a daughter. Someone like that is likely to be jealous of the relationship he has with his daughter too. I'm not willing to put her in tht situation.

It will have to happen some day, but not until my daughter is mature enough to decide for herself. End of...


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

I have told my stbxwh that he is never allowed to have ow near my son. He doesn't see it but I find her to be an immoral ho. She cheated on her husband and three boys w/ my h and broke up her marriage years ago. She has since spent at least 9 years trying to get my h to leave me and his son for her. I don't know about others but that is not the type of character I want in my sons life. My jacka$$ h is so blind. It will be in our divorce papers that he can't have her around my son but if they marry I lose all control. Fingers crossed.


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

I had a friend that was the OW for about 10 years and every time he leave his his house he would stay with her then go back when he was ready.. but when his wife cheated on him. He didn't go back to my friend but he move in with someone else and remarried a month after the divorce. 

People are unpredictable. 

Not allowing her to meet your son is out of your hands, unless do not allow your so to visit him. 
Only advice I would say is you're his mother and nobody can replace you and enjoy time with your son and let him father your son the best way he knows how.


Also when you truly ready to move on and meet someone, seeing them together will not bother you as much.


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