# He asked for nudes ... then shamed me for it.



## aquietgirl (Oct 18, 2012)

Rewind 2 weeks ago. I was working really hard and kinda tired when my husband starts texting me from the bedroom about how horny he is. He's trying to flirt but I just have 0 interest and tell him so. He asks for me to take a picture of my breasts then and send it to him. I'm hesitant at first but figure there's no harm in it and do as he asks. At the time he thought it was hot but after he's "taken care" of himself he asks me to delete the picture. I thought I had, but apparently just deleted the message that had the photo not the photo itself.

Two days ago we're in the parking lot and I run in to pick up our sandwiches. He starts going through my phone (probably looking at what pictures of the cat I've taken recently) and comes across that picture again and gets upset. He called me a liar for not having deleted the picture when I said I had. I told him it was a mistake and I'd delete it.

I forgot to. He had my phone at the time and I was driving. I just forgot to later it wasn't a huge deal to me. Only people who see my phone are me and him.

Today he asked to see my phone while I was working and I handed it over. I think nothing of it again because I have nothing to hide from him. I've done nothing wrong (in my mind at least).

He comes across the picture and then hands me back in the phone. Informs me that "In the future don't lie to me and say you deleted something when you haven't". I get really hurt and upset by this, I told him to just delete the picture. I go for a walk to cool down and when I get back he tries to talk to me about it wanting to clear the air. He goes on to explain how he has no idea whether or not I sent the picture to other guys too, whether or not I'd taken that picture just for him, etc etc. Insecurity nonsense that has 0 basis.

I'm really hurt and offended because I thought I was doing something sweet that he asked for and now I'm being chided and berated because I didn't then delete it out of sheer neglect not malice. He then told me the only reason he asked for the picture was to make me feel wanted and desired.

I told him that with what happened tonight that was pretty much the opposite of what happened.

I don't feel wanted or desired... I feel judged and shamed. I feel like I did some secret taboo act, committed some scandal that I should feel bad about but at the same time I'm angry because I know it's not true.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Very sorry to hear such a story. 

It's very natural for you to feel abused because, well, you've been abused. And in a rather egregious way. You did something risky at his behest. What's more, you put yourself in a very vulnerable position, and he's thrust a daggar right into the middle of that vulnerability. You've also been falsely accused, which coming from the one who's supposed to love and trust you the most, is seriously gut-wrenching. 

You need to tell him to get the hell over his insecurities. An insecure man is not healthy. You need to let him know that what he's doing is abuse, and even if he thinks it's not, you still think it is, and that's the only thing that matters here. Oh, and an abusive man is also not sexy. 

Call it a character flaw if you will, but I have been known to escalate when falsely accused. I'd be hard pressed not to tell him that if he honestly thinks so lowly of me, I may as well validate his beliefs... and recover the pic and put it on the net for ALL to see. Ether that or he can grow up and behave like a loving, respectful husband.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

This is absurd. I would not give this discussion one more breath from my body or even acknowledge such a stupid conversation/accusation. He asked for the pic, got it, enjoyed it, and it was not even remotely on your mind to go run and delete it. 

No more pics for him!


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

is he really this stupid?


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

aquietgirl said:


> Rewind 2 weeks ago. I was working really hard and kinda tired when my husband starts texting me from the bedroom about how horny he is. He's trying to flirt but I just have 0 interest and tell him so. He asks for me to take a picture of my breasts then and send it to him. I'm hesitant at first but figure there's no harm in it and do as he asks. At the time he thought it was hot but after he's "taken care" of himself he asks me to delete the picture. I thought I had, but apparently just deleted the message that had the photo not the photo itself.
> 
> Two days ago we're in the parking lot and I run in to pick up our sandwiches. He starts going through my phone (probably looking at what pictures of the cat I've taken recently) and comes across that picture again and gets upset. He called me a liar for not having deleted the picture when I said I had. I told him it was a mistake and I'd delete it.
> 
> ...


I was waiting for the shaming while reading your post but read until the end and didn't see it! 

Ok he did act in a jerky kind of way (if that's wht you mean by shaming) but I think there could be two things going on: he is possibly concerned about security (those pictures ending up with the NSA (No Strings Attached Organization  or the FBI (Friends' with Benefits Incorporated) and the second, most likely thing is that he became very insecure after this.

I think a lot of guys fantasise about their girlfriends 'whoring around' a bit and when they actually do it (not that taking a nude is actually something I would call 'whoring around' but you know what I mean..) they get all insecure about it. It's very strange. I think an extension of it is when the guy asks for a MFM threesome and after it happens, he can't cope, gets insecure and breaks up...(in many cases but not all).

I think you need to tell him to grow the f up and next time not ask you for something he might not be able to handle.


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## blazer prophet (Jun 1, 2019)

aquietgirl, treat it for what it is- a one time incident. I would suggest simply telling him it was you mistake for not deleting it, see to it is and then make it clear (in a nice way) pics of you naked in any way are for his eyes only. From there, it's up to him to accept it or not. I think this will blow over soon enough.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I'm hoping you both can let this go. However, should he bring this up again--over and over--or only once, Give him what for!!! because he called you a liar, suggested you weren't trustworthy, and only wanted it to make you feel desired! Next time no pic--I'd hand him an already completed list of things that made me feel desired--hugs, kisses, dinner out, jewelry, sweet notes, help at home, etc.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Just to add: I actually think it’s completely up to you whether you want to delete the photo of yourself or not and it’s not up to him to pressure you in any way, shape or form.
If you want to keep the photo, then keep it. (Although I realise that’s not the issue).


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

He was completely unreasonable. You did him a big favor - and now he is giving you a bad time about it? 

Its easy to forget to delete things if you are otherwise busy. Besides why does he care? You haven't shared the pictures and you can take more any time you want anyway. Besides - what is he doing looking at your phone photos anyway?????

Some guys - just want to smack them upside the head. If my wife sent me nude pictures I'd consider it extremely sweet - and would have nothing but positive feelings about it. If I suggested she delete them it would only be for her sake in case she lost her phone.


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

That's a really big leap from forgetting to delete a picture to purposefully lying and sending it to other guys. Is he always this insecure? Does he always assume the worst when it comes to you?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

aquietgirl said:


> I thought I had, but apparently just deleted the message that had the photo not the photo itself.


The reality of taking photos with mobile devices is that it can be almost impossible to actually delete a photo:



A deleted photo often gets transferred to a deleted photos folder so that they can be recovered later if deleted by mistake.
Photos often get backed up onto the cloud for both the messaging app you are using AND your device's default storage location for pictures
If your phone has data backup, your photos get saved in a backup as well
Once a photo goes to the cloud, it is synchronized with all your other devices such as a desktop computer or an older device that might still be active (that tablet you got for Christmas, but don't really use it any).
Once photos are synchronized to other devices, the photo is then uploaded to yet another cloud storage for backup for each device.
Then many messaging apps use their own cloud storage that is independent from your device.

For example if I take a photo with Adobe's Lightroom mobile app, immediately that image goes to Adobe's cloud services so that any photo editing can be seamless if transitioning mobile to desktop. I can delete the image from the phone, but Lightroom still keeps a copy of the image for the app or desktop in the cloud if needed. Messaging apps work the exact same way. Log into a different device with your favorite messaging app, and all your conversations and photos are downloaded as if you were using the original device.

So if I were you, I would fuss at your husband and ask him exactly how many times you need to delete a photo taken with a mobile device before it is actually deleted. In most cases you will need to do it at least in four or five different places to make sure cloud backups are removed as well. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I'd be sure to tell him that he can expect that any further requests for nudes will be ignored by you. He had a good thing going and he blew it. Idiot.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Important Question: Is this an isolated incident or is he paranoid and jealous in general? His suspicions and actions seem way out of proportion over the top, especially since HE ASKED YOU to take the picture so he ALREADY KNOWS exactly what it's for.

If this is really out of character from him I'd try to write it off as him letting his imagination run away with him and try to move past it. But he is REALLY being a **** in this situation so if this is not really unusual behavior for him, I'd be concerned about your marriage overall.

Him telling you he only asked "to make you feel desired" is actually deliberately cruel.

As for him saying how does he know you didn't send it to other guys (sigh, good grief) tell him to check your phone and text message phone logs if he's so concerned but you're done with this ridiculous topic and don't ever ask you for nudes again.

*In any event I would NOT be remotely apologetic. *

PS, like Bad Santa said, it's very hard to delete those pictures! I have some I know I've deleted multiple times and they I jump on another device and there they are again!!!




aquietgirl said:


> Rewind 2 weeks ago. I was working really hard and kinda tired when my husband starts texting me from the bedroom about how horny he is. He's trying to flirt but I just have 0 interest and tell him so. He asks for me to take a picture of my breasts then and send it to him. I'm hesitant at first but figure there's no harm in it and do as he asks. At the time he thought it was hot but after he's "taken care" of himself he asks me to delete the picture. I thought I had, but apparently just deleted the message that had the photo not the photo itself.
> 
> Two days ago we're in the parking lot and I run in to pick up our sandwiches. He starts going through my phone (probably looking at what pictures of the cat I've taken recently) and comes across that picture again and gets upset. He called me a liar for not having deleted the picture when I said I had. I told him it was a mistake and I'd delete it.
> 
> ...


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Anytime someone asks me for nudes (between @lucy999 , @Blondilocks and @ConanHub it is pretty much daily), I just send them the pic below


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

@aquietgirl

I detect from your original post your H is controlling. Send no more pictures when asked.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Is this the bf from 2012 who had issues with his libido due to heart medicine and you were having an EA with a guy you were talking to online? Did that emotional affair turn physical? Did your then bf and now husband find out about the OM? If this bf from 2012 is now your husband, you are in reconciliation and the nude photo is not an isolated incident to shame you. It is a symptom of his mistrust that may never be recovered.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Ms. GP said:


> That's a really big leap from forgetting to delete a picture to purposefully lying and sending it to other guys. Is he always this insecure? Does he always assume the worst when it comes to you?


Tell him this, once, and never bring up again.

Tell him once, that if he ever brings up again it won't warrant a verbal response from you but your respect for him will drop more and more. 

The end.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

aquietgirl said:


> He goes on to explain how he has no idea whether or not I sent the picture to other guys too, whether or not I'd taken that picture just for him, etc etc. Insecurity nonsense that has 0 basis.


Or he's projecting his behavior on you. Maybe you should look through HIS phone.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Bibi1031 said:


> Is this the bf from 2012 who had issues with his libido due to heart medicine and you were having an EA with a guy you were talking to online? Did that emotional affair turn physical? Did your then bf and now husband find out about the OM? If this bf from 2012 is now your husband, you are in reconciliation and the nude photo is not an isolated incident to shame you. It is a symptom of his mistrust that may never be recovered.


whoa this would certainly shed some different light on this topic!!!


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## hptessla (Jun 4, 2019)

aquietgirl said:


> Rewind 2 weeks ago. I was working really hard and kinda tired when my husband starts texting me from the bedroom about how horny he is. He's trying to flirt but I just have 0 interest and tell him so. He asks for me to take a picture of my breasts then and send it to him. I'm hesitant at first but figure there's no harm in it and do as he asks. At the time he thought it was hot but after he's "taken care" of himself he asks me to delete the picture. I thought I had, but apparently just deleted the message that had the photo not the photo itself.
> 
> Two days ago we're in the parking lot and I run in to pick up our sandwiches. He starts going through my phone (probably looking at what pictures of the cat I've taken recently) and comes across that picture again and gets upset. He called me a liar for not having deleted the picture when I said I had. I told him it was a mistake and I'd delete it.
> 
> ...



Tell him that chances are other guys...and girls...can access that photo because you snapped it on a phone. Before that fully sinks in ask him
A) who did you want to show it to?
B) when you 'take care of' yourself do you ever think of anyone but me?

If he answers B as he should (i.e., safely, by saying only you) ask him why he objectifies you as a set of breasts. If he answers B honestly, well you can handle that on your own.


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