# Is feeling guilt normal when you've been cheated on



## WillS (Sep 1, 2011)

I've searched around the forums for a while now and I'm very thankful for the information on this site. My question regards the feeling of guilt when a person has been cheated on. My wife had what she admits was an emotional affair, though I suspect it may have been physical. I've dealt with a lot of strong emotions since I found out. But the past few days I have had strong feelings of guilt. I feel guilty that years ago I was attracted to a colleague, that I've looked at other women, that I have looked at women online. I feel almost like this was deserved because of what I had done to her, like I've been disloyal myself. She has told me she thinks that I'm as disloyal as she is. Is this feeling of guilt normal or not? Has anyone experienced this or know anything about it? I feel more guilty now than angry or sad.


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## Hijo (Sep 1, 2011)

It has been said here and elsewhere, having desire for others outside the marriage is not a problem. Rather, it makes you human.

What separates us humans from the animals is our ability to keep at bay urges and desire because we know what it will do to those we love.

Being attracted to, looking at (even online) other women is nothing without an act. Did you actively pursue these women? Engage them in sexual conversation? Meet with them physically? Have sex?

I suspect not.

Now ask that of her and discover who is the animal.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

WillS said:


> She has told me she thinks that I'm as disloyal as she is.


No, this is normal. Blame shifting and minimizing for her errors.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Although I did not feel guilty over my husband's infidelity, I did initially blame myself. His affairs destroyed my self-esteem. It certainly didn't help that he was shifting blame to me for his behavior. I thought I must be a horrible person for him to cheat on me. It didn't take long for my therapist to get me out of that mindset though. No matter what your wife says, it's not your fault she cheated. It was all of her own doing. Don't let her guilt you into believing otherwise.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

WillS said:


> I've searched around the forums for a while now and I'm very thankful for the information on this site. My question regards the feeling of guilt when a person has been cheated on. My wife had what she admits was an emotional affair, though I suspect it may have been physical. I've dealt with a lot of strong emotions since I found out. But the past few days I have had strong feelings of guilt. I feel guilty that years ago I was attracted to a colleague, that I've looked at other women, that I have looked at women online. I feel almost like this was deserved because of what I had done to her, like I've been disloyal myself. She has told me she thinks that I'm as disloyal as she is. Is this feeling of guilt normal or not? Has anyone experienced this or know anything about it? I feel more guilty now than angry or sad.


Ummmm..no,no,no.no......dude, there's nothing wrong with looking at the menu, just as long as you don't order from it! There's nothing wrong with admiring the female form. Just look and don't touch..Your wife ordered from the menu. They flirted, had intimate conversation. Someone once told me a really good definition of cheating. If you say or do anything that you wouldn't do in the presence of your spouse, then it's cheating. 

She cheated....you didn't.


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## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

I think this is a normal reaction. Strangely, I didn't feel any guilt until after the anger subsided. Having these life shattering moments makes us reflect on the behavior of our spouse, as well as ourself. This is a good thing I think, because obviously the marriage could use a little improvement if there is infidelity. This doesn't excuse the fact that she went outside the marriage, and she is the only one who can take full responsibility for that. Absolutely nothing, that you have done was worthy of her EA/PA.

My guilt stemmed from the fact that I felt like I lost my H. Although he was still here saying that he wanted to work on things, I felt like the man I had fallen in love with was gone. When I looked back on how wonderful he had been over the years, I realized i didn't appreciate him as much as I should have. I remembered the sweet things that he would do, that I maybe didn't give enough deserved attention to, or the effort he would put into making me happy. Now, I long for that again, and almost ashamed that I was not as attentive to him when he was to me. 

I think that maybe you realize how much pain is caused by your wife showing the attention that should be paid to you to someone else. You are recalling times when you have done the same (not on the same scale mind you) and feel guilty because you equate the pain that you feel now to something she may have felt then. 

These feelings could be a good thing, because it may make you both focus your attention on each other, rather than outside your marriage. I think it is completely normal to feel this way, whether it is deserved or not. It is just a by-product of self examination.


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## WillS (Sep 1, 2011)

Thanks to everyone for the insights. I've really struggled with this and am glad to know that others have been successful in dealing with infidelity.


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## FallenPrince (Apr 16, 2013)

WillS,

I have been dealing with a very similar situation, and after the first phase of extreme sadness followed extreme guilt. Now I am sad (close to depression) and am unsure of what to do.
My wife has faced PTSD after volunteering in the a warzone, which triggered Borderline Personality Disorder (after some of her friends came back injured and she stayed in close contact with people dealing with substance abused as a consequence of PTSD).
She is a foreign Dr and cannot work yet here, so she feels useless while she was hyperactive working in hospitals back home (especially in emergency situations...).

I personally feel guilty because I had trouble with anger (never abused her physically, or verbally, but I know that I have not been supportive enough...). Since I discovered the Emotional Affair, I realised that my anger has not only been useless, but probably the root cause of my couple issues.
Now it looks like the tables have turned, and feel she is being cruel by using me, or pushing me to leave her (by giving me reason) to avoid being the one who hurt me...

How did your story end? How did you manage to go through such hard times?
I feel that I need to know when her emotional affair started, to understand and learn from my mistake, but she avoids the subject, accusing me of being cruel or controlling when all I want to do is have a serious conversation on our life together.
I really love her, and could have closure if she tells me the truth (even if it's to say she fell in love with someone else, as long as he can make her happy, and take real good care of her, I feel I can overcome my pain...).

Thanks in advance.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WillS said:


> I've searched around the forums for a while now and I'm very thankful for the information on this site. My question regards the feeling of guilt when a person has been cheated on. My wife had what she admits was an emotional affair, though I suspect it may have been physical. I've dealt with a lot of strong emotions since I found out. But the past few days I have had strong feelings of guilt. I feel guilty that years ago I was attracted to a colleague, that I've looked at other women, that I have looked at women online. I feel almost like this was deserved because of what I had done to her, like I've been disloyal myself. She has told me she thinks that I'm as disloyal as she is. Is this feeling of guilt normal or not? Has anyone experienced this or know anything about it? I feel more guilty now than angry or sad.


I felt guilty when my wife had her affair. Why? Because I thought if I'd been more of the man she needed, she wouldn't have required outside help. All rubbish, of course, but that's how I felt at the time.

I even apologised to her for not been what she needed. That upset her. "It's not you! It's me!" she told me. But at that moment, I did not believe here.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

I personally think the guilt comes from a very subtle but extremely powerful urge to salvage the relationship.

Let me explain.

After Julie left I blamed myself. Why? Because if it was my fault, I could fix it. I could be a better man and then there would be no reason for her to stay separated from me. If it's YOUR fault, YOU can fix the problem. 

But it wasn't my fault. It was hers. Meaning I couldn't fix it.

And she didn't care enough to fix it. 

_You are a splendid butterfly.
It is your wings that make you beautiful.
And I could make you fly away, 
but I could never make you stay.

You said you were in love with me.
Now I know that's impossible.
And I could make you pay in pain,
but I could never make you stay.

Not for all the tea in China.
Not if I could sing like a bird.
Not for all North Carolina, 
Not for all my little words.

Not if I could write for you
The sweetest song you've ever heard.
It doesn't matter what I do...
Not for all my little words..._


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

827Aug said:


> *I thought I must be a horrible person for him to cheat on me. No matter what your wife says, it's not your fault she cheated. It was all of her own doing. *


Aug: I felt the very same way, when long after our separation, I found out the real truth about my STBXW. I could not fathom why someone like myself, who did his level best to show all of the love and devotion that I could to her, would be singled out as a victim of covert cheating.

I trusted her implicitly, and never in my wildest imaginings, dreamed that she would ever have the potential to cheat.

But post-separation, when I read the phone and text records generated by her, that pointed out that she had been unfaithful all while we were married and sleeping together. I felt like complete excrement and so worthless that I merited no ones affection.

And like you, it took a great Christian counselor to make me see the true light in that none of what had occurred to me was, in any way, deemed to be my fault!


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

I did feel guilty like I could have done more, been more etc...

The problem is so could have she. She had lots of faults too and she was not the perfect wife or mother. The difference is I was faithful to her.

She decided she didn't want to work on it. Now things are upside down for her. I don't feel guilty at all that she is now in a bad place and my life keeps getting better. I learned that her decisions were hers and I DO NOT OWN them. She decided to cheat and divorce and not look back.

The damage she did to herself is staggering. She owns it not me.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

WillS said:


> I have looked at women online.


As a BS myself, I'm very sensitive about blameshifting, so don't get me wrong - I'm not saying that looking at women online (I assume we're talking about naked women) is the same as an emotional affair. 

However...there's looking at women online and there's LOOOOOKING at women online, to the point where it can be a major obsession and something that a wife could be understandably not just concerned about but yes, even jealous of. You didn't say if you "look" online once a month for 2 minutes, or every day for an hour, or somewhere in between.

As crossbar's definition of cheating suggests - would you be OK with looking at naked women online the way you typically do "in the presence of your spouse?" If not, then maybe you DID "cheat" on her, at least by crossbar's definition. If you did this looking in secrecy, hiding it from her, and if she ever "caught" you, perhaps she perceived it as if there was "something going on" between you and these nameless women online, and your wife could indeed have been jealous, even if you never touched them and there was no emotional connection.

It doesn't bother some wives if their husbands look at porn, but it does very much bother others, and if yours is one who is very much bothered by however much you look at naked women online, perhaps you have been disloyal in HER eyes. No way am I saying it would justify her affair! But I'm suggesting that if you're wondering where your guilt is coming from, and if you know your wife was unhappy about your looking at online porn, SOME definitions might take "looking at women online" to the level of cheating - maybe she thought YOU were cheating, in her mind, and maybe you wonder if you were in a way, too?


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> I felt guilty when my wife had her affair. Why? Because I thought if I'd been more of the man she needed, she wouldn't have required outside help. All rubbish, of course, but that's how I felt at the time.
> 
> I even apologised to her for not been what she needed. That upset her. "It's not you! It's me!" she told me. But at that moment, I did not believe here.



Ahh yes, the old "It's not you, it's me". I'm getting that too. Well, mixed in with "I'm an addict, (and he is - porn, spending, alcohol, gambling, you name it!) and the high of getting these women to talk dirty to me and send pictures was too strong" (he STILL denies any PA...STILL!  )

Blah, blah, blah. 

Don't feel guilty. Even if your marriage was crappy (and mine WAS/IS), YOu are only responsible for 50% of that. *100% of the affair sits square on the shoulders of the cheater. There are ALWAYS other options. Cheating is the most cowardly one. *


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Since OP hasn't been here since 2011...I don't think he'll respond.

However, feeling a sense of guilt is something that just happens. Not that it's right or wrong. It's just that it sometimes happens.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

LanieB said:


> My husband had a year-long affair (and is possibly still having it). I feel guilty now because he has put me in the position to choose whether this marriage continues or not. I "get" to decide if my kids will come from a broken home. As stupid as it sounds, even to me, I still feel guilty about it.


:iagree:


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

WillS said:


> I've searched around the forums for a while now and I'm very thankful for the information on this site. My question regards the feeling of guilt when a person has been cheated on. My wife had what she admits was an emotional affair, though I suspect it may have been physical. I've dealt with a lot of strong emotions since I found out. But the past few days I have had strong feelings of guilt. I feel guilty that years ago I was attracted to a colleague, that I've looked at other women, that I have looked at women online. I feel almost like this was deserved because of what I had done to her, like I've been disloyal myself. She has told me she thinks that I'm as disloyal as she is. Is this feeling of guilt normal or not? Has anyone experienced this or know anything about it? I feel more guilty now than angry or sad.


Feeling attraction toward someone else is normal. Acting on it is unacceptable. You sound like you have stockholm syndrome.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ScorchedEarth said:


> Ahh yes, the old "It's not you, it's me". I'm getting that too. Well, mixed in with "I'm an addict, (and he is - porn, spending, alcohol, gambling, you name it!) and the high of getting these women to talk dirty to me and send pictures was too strong" (he STILL denies any PA...STILL!  )
> 
> Blah, blah, blah.
> 
> Don't feel guilty. Even if your marriage was crappy (and mine WAS/IS), YOu are only responsible for 50% of that. *100% of the affair sits square on the shoulders of the cheater. There are ALWAYS other options. Cheating is the most cowardly one. *


*No, she was genuinely upset that I thought I'd done something wrong.*

We had a great relationship but things got very complicated when she decided she needed to have an affair. And told me about it beforehand.

All a long time ago, now. Fixed, pretty much.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

Well, that's quite the anomaly!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ScorchedEarth said:


> Well, that's quite the anomaly!


Yeah. I know. Crush my heart, hurt like f***.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

Yup. That's pretty much the drill.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ScorchedEarth said:


> Yup. That's pretty much the drill.


But we are 15/16 years on and still together after a total of nearly 25 years.:smthumbup:


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## arked (Mar 2, 2013)

When my WAW had her affair I got mad then I went through a period of guilt. If I had been a better man or if I had done this or that. I even went through thinking I should have been more alpha. After talking to a IC I found out this is normal. Something my IC told me helped me a lot she said “No one is perfect and even on your worst day as a husband you didn't deserve the affair your wife is having.” Somehow I think this may apply to your case. Sorry you are here things do get better.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> But we are 15/16 years on and still together after a total of nearly 25 years.:smthumbup:


I am genuinely happy to hear a success story.

I tried. I can't. The past ten years have been a lie, and the fact that his EAs/PAs(?) started AFAIK after our child was born, has pretty much sullied every memory I have after that. I'm sure his w**res were in the background during family times. I know it may sound silly, but it feels like a violation and intrusion into MY life. Ugh!


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## Yessongs72 (Dec 6, 2012)

LanieB said:


> I "get" to decide if my kids will come from a broken home.


No you don't - He has already broken it. Always remember this - HE wasn't thinking about the kids when he shagged the OW.

Its not your fault

(its not weird either - I know 'what about the children' will be thrown at me when I have caught WW)


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