# Trapped and resentful towards my husband



## burnedout0108 (Sep 20, 2009)

My relationship started 4 and a half years ago when my husband and I were still in high school. At the time, we started as great friends and though we shared feelings for each other, we never made a move to date. I thought he indifferent so I dated another for a little over a year when I could no longer hide the fact - I was in love with him (my now husband) and could no longer be "just friends". I made my move and ever since that day, my husband and I had been inseparable until most recently. We were driven with love and so much happiness - we were young and had little to no responsibility. 
School started to come to an end and decisions needed to be made for college. That's when our relationship started to crumble. Originally, I had planned to go several states away for a degree but instead been accepted to a great university an hour away while he had been given a small scholarship to a very prestigious university in the city. Instead, he had turned it down to go to community college as his parents would pay for it; though I had asked him several times to come with me. He decided to stay but I had left. Our fights grew every night and though I came down several weekends it was never enough. Looking back there were several reasons why I came back to the city: I was living with an abusive father while attending college, I was running out of money though I had two jobs, and I was in fear of losing my relationship - so I packed my bags one day and came home. 
I tried the community college with my boyfriend and it was horrible; I realized what I had given up - the great education and degree I could of had. I had to get a job to pick up school but jobs were horrible for a college student. I dropped out after I landed a full-time job and I was miserable. I tried several times to go back but I could never find the time and my relationship with my boyfriend was actually getting worse - we were fighting all the time, he had gained significant weight for binge eating, and his attitude was turning emotionally abusive. I didn't give up - I tried working with him and we both agreed one night that we would try again - from scratch. He went back to school and tried losing weight. Though I was miserable by my job, I was able to find another which paid great and was not far from home. I always resented him nonetheless; I was the one who had to get a full-time job and he worked little and went to school full-time. I felt cheated out; even more so when I would talk with him about my feelings, he would just get mad and wouldn't listen because deep down he felt guilty. There were good days and bad days but I was always hiding my depression. After a year since I moved back, we agreed that getting married was the best financial and emotional arrangement. (We were currently living at home - broken as they were - we wanted out.) The stress of the wedding was worse - I was planning and he was unresponsive. I started getting doubts a few months before the wedding and conveyed to him my troubles and though he thought we should call it a quits, I convinced him it was nothing but cold feet. I couldn't deal with my families' questions and shame if I had walked away. Still, we got married May 2009 and it was beautiful. That day was beautiful. 

It's been almost 6 month but I still carry that depression. I am miserable because I have to support us - that I gave up my dreams for him. This job I have drains me but it is the only thing that I could find that pays so well for my age and experience to pay for his school and our living; I've got no complains about the job but the lack of time to pursue anything. I wouldn't have minded if he had been grateful - but he was so rude and selfish after I had left for college; he hated me for leaving him. He sees that at least now, his attitude and has made efforts to change but it has never completely been done. My husband vows he will finish school and then I can go - but my sister who had the same plan, got pregnant. She now has 4 kids and her husband just lost his job. And in part, I don't believe him. 

I have to admit, I am not innocent. I have a short temper now and can't take much of his slip-ups when it comes to his attitude or his turn of chores - I get so upset he forgets the smallest thing like sweeping or washing dishes because I feel he owes it his part if I'm having to provide everything. We rarely have sex and I'm just so drained and frustrated with life.

I feel cheated and we constantly fight over my unhappiness with him and our lives. I remember so much of how happy we were and I just want that back. We were such good friends when we started out - able to express our feelings and ideas but now we have no patience, no respect, and no understanding towards each other. I carry a chip on my shoulder over the past and he burns with guilt. What if I do get pregnant - what if he doesn't finish it and relies on me to continue to support us? My biggest concern is - what if I get trapped here?!? I couldn't live with that - not finishing school or pursing the career I want because I get pregnant. Then, I would get spiteful towards my children? The idea sickens me. 

I don't know how to face this situation or what to do. I need advice.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Wow... I can tell you that starting the road you went down was not the best idea.. I don't think it was in your guys cards once the college situation made my change your future. For one... You are now regretting your decision and will make him pay for it. You hold resentment and that will only grow in time. Then when depression set in you got married cause you felt you had to?? Now there is another thing you will resent him for.. Do you see the pattern?? You continue to make the worst decisions cause you doing things you feel you have to not what you want to.. This will only bring future heartaches. For one you guys still way too young. I don't think either of you knew what you wanted out of yourself or life or what kind of future you wanted. 

Where you go from here?? maybe you can do counseling for yourself and then maybe for your marriage but do not get pregnant... Please don't complicate this further cause your headed down a heartache road if you don't make changes..


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

LH is right. At some point you need to do what you need to do for yourself. You can't hold everyone else responsible for your decisions. You also have to accept that going along to make others happy at the expense of yourself is also a decision for which you are solely respondible.

Counseling is the right next step. Figure out how you got where you are and why you allow the things you allow before you make another decision.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

i completely feel for you burnedout. i am also getting over resentment in my marriage. its a really hard thing to do. i feel like my H lied to me about everything and i gave up so much for him- that he doesnt even appreciate, or even realize. i had a great job that i loved and i gave it up to move with him. after that i could only get crappy jobs that paid very little. and i left my family, which he's never appreciated. so, i know how you feel. 

working on my boundaries by doing Boundaries in Marraige book and workbook by Dr.Cloud and Townsend has helped me. also reading other books like Seat of the Soul and Radical Forgiveness have helped. i also go to counseling. so, it takes a lot to get over the resentment, and im still not completely over it.


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