# Effect of the internet on marriage



## fleet (Aug 26, 2014)

What do you think the overall effect of the internet has had on marriages? Do you think that it has helped it or hindered it?

The internet certainly makes communication easier. Here we are on talkaboutmarriage, and we're able to exchange views and ideas related to our interest. We can exchange those ideas with people from all over the world, whereas previously, we were often limited to those from our immediate area.

But I often read about how the average amount of time spent on the internet is increasing each year. What effect do you think that has on our relationships? Does it lower the amount of time spent relating to each other in a meaningful way, or do you think people just lessen the amount of time they spend in other activities in order to keep close to their spouses?

I personally think it has a negative impact. I, myself, find the internet to be a time suck. I get drawn into my own interests and the solitude it creates.


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## knightRider (Dec 31, 2014)

Good and bad effects:

1. Forums like this are a life saver for many people.

2. "Social media" has led to many problems. Things like facebook and some of the seedy dating sites have led to couples breaking up. It is now very easy to cheat from your armchair.


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## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

Sometimes wife & I fight via email.
Its much better than letting our emotions kick in and scream at each other.

It lets us examine what we really feel and take the time to communicate clearly.

Sometimes we fight for hours and then come to some kind of agreement. Then come together and can deal like calm adults.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

It is just a tool, but I think in general it has hurt marriage overall.

Internet has taken the place of television as a distraction and a way to remain disconnected. More even than television because people aren't even in the same room as they surf the web, whereas before they would at least sit in the same room watching tv.

The internet does provide some excellent communication tools such as skype, email, etc. Those can be big positives.

The big negative is the way it can be used to facilitate affairs.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
The internet can be good and bad. Forums can provide all sorts of valuable information. But the internet can also provide unrealistic ideas of marriage: You want more sex and you will find *some* couple is having wild sex 2X / day. You want less sex and *some* couple hasn't had sex in years and is still happy.


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

I don't know, good and bad. It has opened up my (and I'm sure other people's) eyes that other people have gone through the same problems, and allowed people to share things they may be reluctant to do so in a real life setting and get advice.

I'd say for some it has been a good sounding board for finding solutions. For others, it is given them the resolve to stand up for themselves and demand better from their partners, or given them resolve to end their current unfulfilling relationship.

So I guess in the end it will be a net positive as more people find better relationships and end bad ones. Hopefully. Knowing your relationship is bad isn't the same as having the courage to end it. You can't get that from the internet.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

knightRider said:


> Good and bad effects:
> 
> 1. Forums like this are a life saver for many people.
> 
> 2. "Social media" has led to many problems. Things like facebook and some of the seedy dating sites have led to couples breaking up. It is now very easy to cheat from your armchair.


Its not facebook that is the problem, Its the people who are using it, and how you use it.

You always see people blaming facebook for peoples marriage break ups, facebook cant break up a marriage only YOUR actions can break up a marriage.

My husband and I both use facebook, we never have problems. I think the same goes for those seedy date sites... People do not have to use them, they CHOOSE to use them.

Were all responsible for our own actions, we all know what is appropriate behaviours and so on...

OP..... I spend a lot of time on the internet, I enjoy it, my husband knows i do, so he has no problem with it at all... He has his games too

We always make sure we have enough time for each other tho.

Sitting on your laptop ALL day, doing nothing else day in and day out, that is when its not healthy when everything else is being neglected.

Put it this way, I always make sure everything is done that needs to be done before i sit down and turn on my laptop.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

One thing that shows in our young people is *>> * their heads being buried in their phones.. to the point of ignoring those around them.. I find it rather rude..... so they are growing up with this.. overall I think it's had more of a negative impact on MANY..

Although I LOVE THE INTERNET...answers to ANYTHING at our fingertips.. how to's (You tube -a blessing!), Research, sharing anonymously.... I wouldn't want to live without it.. I'd probably have withdrawal symptoms...

I can't say it has hurt our marriage ... we've always had Facebook... 2 separate accounts (knowing each others passwords of course) , never had an issue.. if anything.. reading on the NET, forums like this.. gives me food for thought.. and I bounce things off of my Husband.. It livens our conversations.... 

Many "What would YOU DO in this situation?" questions... or "How do YOU FEEL hubby??" "How would YOU react?" we share, really.. I feel this brings us closer even....

He has his internet time.. I have mine (usually when he's at work).. but I'll jump on here when he's on his forums (of a different type)....and we'll be in the same room together....We like it that way.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I don't think it's the Internet per se, rather the pervasiveness of our access to devices. Smart phones in the hand at all times are not necessarily a good thing. My kids are still too young to have their own phones. They have access to devices but we limit the time to when they are home during certain hours. I know I won't have this control over them much longer. I am very conscious of how I use my own smart phone and how my children perceive use of these devices. I try to limit my time on it when I am with them to make sure they can see my face looking at THEM, not a screen. I want them to understand it's polite to give someone your full attention and it's important to connect in real life face to face still. My husband doesn't seem to share these values and gets lost in his phone for hours. I don't say a word about it to my kids but I can tell they notice the difference between who to approach when they want to talk. The person who looks at them and greets them or the person who has their face occupied with a phone? Not a tough choice. I try to model the behavior I hope they will choose later. 

This does cause a rift in my marraige at times, my husband will put the phone down when he feels he's obligated to. Like on a date, he will keep it in his pocket while we are sitting at dinner. But there's no lingering at the table. It's strictly for eating the meal and then quickly get the check and let's go. The phone is out in the car during the whole ride and anywhere we may have to wait (to be seated for example). I am old enough to remember dating before smart phones were so prevalent and I remember what it was like to not have that barrier between two people to offer a distraction. My husband's favorite thing to do each evening is eat dinner with us as soon as he comes home, then lock himself in the bathroom for 1 hour (no exaggeration there) with his phone. He claims to be pooping. It does not take one hour to poop. He will get angry that "he can't even use the bathroom without someone making a comment" if I mention how long he's in there. In my H case, he's playing games on his phone the whole time. Social media isn't the issue. 

In the end, yes it does depend on the person using the device and they should be responsible enough to use it wisely. Unfortunately that isn't often the case.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

It's not the internet.

It's not the devices.

It's the general rudeness that people display to each other by
(1) using said devices too extensively
(2) not setting and enforcing boundaries to limit use of said devices

When I go out, there are two times when I look at my phone - when I want to know what time it is and critical alerts when I'm on call and that's it. Phone stays in pocket otherwise.

My SO would be on the phone 25/7 (yes 25/7 not a typo) if I didn't tell her that I'm not going to compete for her attention.

We have forgotten that these items are a privilege and not a right.

I believe many of us treat these devices much like we treat fast food - always/anytime/everyday

And what happens when you consume too much fast food? You have an unhealthy lifestyle.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

As some have said, it's not the devices, it's the people and how we choose to use them. I know that younger people have never known anything different, but I find it strange that older people get so wrapped up in it.

When people use it and things turn out badly, it raises questions about human nature. Did we not get in trouble before all this technology just because we didn't have the resources? I had faith and thought it was because we just had limits and wouldn't cross certain lines.

I know people will say that people "did do negative things before," which is very true. There are those, however, that would never have had an affair, for example, if they had to work it in the older days, but did have one because technology made it so easy.

It's like saying I've never robbed a bank, but I would if somebody gave me a foolproof plan, put the gun in my hand and made it easy.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I also agree that it's the person using the technology not the technology itself.

I have to admit though, I'm a total hypocrite. I have FB account but my husband doesn't. He has no interest in social media and I'm fine with it. I know there would be women coming out of the wood work friending him, old friends or girlfriends from high school, etc. This happened to a girlfriend of mine. Her late husband joined FB and ended up having an EA over FB messenger. She caught him because he passed out drunk in front of the computer with the chat up on the screen. To this day, she believes that men cannot handle FB, lol.

I think my husband is a catch so I'm sure other women think this too. There are A LOT of desperate, divorced or unhappily married women out there and they are a lot more forward these days. I know because I've seen it. 

Now do I think my husband would cross a boundary? He is very transparent and has strong boundaries. He is very proud of our marriage, (25 years this month) but I just don't want the temptation there. I know, I know, you don't need to say it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Happy 25th, Soccermom!


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## fleet (Aug 26, 2014)

Interesting answers. I can't say I disagree with any of them, because there is so many way to look at this issue.

Given the 'sexting' phenomenon among the youth and how they've grown up connected to the net, it will be interesting to see how things will be different for them when they're old enough to have a serious relationship.


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## redhead40 (Apr 13, 2015)

I think that it is good and bad also. 
I feel like I spend too much time on it and so does my husband. But it is nice to have to look up information or ordering. I do know that I spend way too much time on Facebook though and have cut back quite a bit.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I look at it as an amplifier of behavior. Good behavior and honorable deeds can be shared and thus inspire others. Bad behavior and sleaze are rampant and spread like a plague. I do think there is an imbalance thou. I'm going to guess that people fall to temptation more often than they are elevated by inspiration. Maybe I'm jaded...


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

None. It is simply a tool. The user determines the effect. Just like the user of a hammer - most of the time, it's used for constructive purposes, but occasionally you hit your thumb or - rarely - it's used to bash in someone's skull.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I recently saw a poll of attorneys that said social networks were involved in over 75 % of divorces.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

It does hurt communication, and it can make people lazy as well. DW loves playing Candy Crush, and when I get home, the kids are either playing or watching TV while she's busy with Candy Crush - meanwhile the dishes are piled up and before I even think of saying anything, she makes sure to let me know how tired she is.


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## another shot (Apr 14, 2015)

The internet saved my marriage. There is no way I could have done so without it. Being able to search the most intricate details needed to fix an issue that could or is causing physical, mental, emotional and financial pain is a gift from heaven. 

Like a cell phone, we don't allow it to creep into our marriage so it is a distraction. Its a tool that we do not abuse.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Shoto1984 said:


> I look at it as an amplifier of behavior. Good behavior and honorable deeds can be shared and thus inspire others. Bad behavior and sleaze are rampant and spread like a plague. I do think there is an imbalance thou. I'm going to guess that people fall to temptation more often than they are elevated by inspiration. Maybe I'm jaded...


Before the internet, couples had far less outlets to "escape" from the real world and deal with issues.

Now it's so easy for both spouses to just tune into their electronic device and become less social. 

I definitely think Facebook is a plaque for society.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Funny enough I have had quite a few discussions about the role of the internet with relationships of late. I do agree that the internet is just a tool, and ultimately it falls on each person as to how they use it. However, in my experience, b/c everything is right at your fingertips wherever you go, it is very easy to get caught up without realizing. I do spend a lot of time online (various forums, chat groups, etc...), made a lot of friends/acquaintances that I normally wouldn't be able to due to my work/family schedule, but I have made it a point to make sure it doesn't get in the way with my marriage (there was a point where I was more active with a blog I wrote and wasted a lot of time I could have used better with my wife, but I have made changes since). Similar, my wife is a stay at home mom, so she uses the internet as her way to socialize where it may not be possible otherwise. That is a positive IMO, but on the downside when she comes to bed the first few minutes she always spends on her phone. If we are watching TV together she will check her phone periodically, etc... I will tell her periodically that I am going to hide her phone from her!

I think where you really run into problems though, if there is any ***** in the armor of a marriage, the internet (or really the ease of access to anything you want) can really be a detriment. I am not saying this is always the case as sites like this could actually serve as a benefit. However, with social media it has become so much easier to "look" around. Porn can be easily accessed for free. There are all these dating sites where I have heard a ton of stories about people signing up using false information. It still comes down to the person, but now they have a tool that can use/abuse with very little effort, and the temptation may be too great for them to handle.

I am convinced as well that there will be a growing number of depression cases related to social media among the younger generation. Just look at Facebook, Instagram, etc... If you go solely by most of the posts you would think everyone has the perfect life (b/c of course most people only post the good times), your life sucks, and this just further adds to the whole "grass is greener on the other side" mentality.


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## Wiredtired (Apr 16, 2015)

The internet was actually beneficial for alot of people until these social networking sites came along....Facebook, mySpace, etc. I think they are nothing but poison for a relationship. I'm battling this now with my wife's overuse of Facebook.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I think for many people who may not have risked going outside the bounds of marriage in the physical world, the internet provided a means for those to dip their feet in the water anonymously until they felt brave enough to start an EA or a PA.

Still, people don't do such things unless it is in their heart already. These are choices we make, what we click or type, ya know?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

jdawg2015 said:


> Before the internet, couples had far less outlets to "escape" from the real world and deal with issues.
> 
> Now it's so easy for both spouses to just tune into their electronic device and become less social.
> 
> I definitely think Facebook is a plaque for society.


Then I guess we need better Facebook hygiene?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

MEssage boards have been very good for me. I was one of those women who needed to tawk and for hours. I may have alienated a woman or two for my desire to want to talk about everything on the phone. Now I can get the same stimulation and the same amount feedback, much of which is useful by going online.

These days more than ever, I have what I call action friends. As soon as we've agreed to get together, they're getting off the phone. Or sometimes, everything is settled e-mail or text. And plans with many of my friends go 100% according to plan.

I also like that I can test ideas in cyberspace before p!ssing off someone in real life. 

Some people think that texting is not real communication. _ You should pick up the phone and call that person._ My feeling is that texting leads smoothly to face to face which is the highest form of communication then what is the problem. I always like to remind people that even in the pre-digital people could waste your time on the phone........ and never get to face to face with you. now what kind of relationship is that?


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

Pros: communicate quickly with others, research info on anything from side effects to how to diy's, shop, etc. 

Cons: the social media sites that create illusion of others admiring you (how many likes to get), ppl find it easy to get easily influenced to flirt/cheat, temptations, etc. 


When we use the internet we are pretty much in the same room. We don't have to be, but we like being together.


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