# It shouldn't be this difficult.



## PeaceSeeking (Aug 7, 2011)

Last night, I dreamed about a former boyfriend, from more that 20 years ago, long before I met my husband. It wasn't a particularly good dream, we were a deeply dysfunctional couple in every way, except in bed. The dream made me remember something I'd forgotten. Sex used to be so much easier. I don't mean just the physicality versus aging part. My husband's confusing behavior over the last few years has turned sex into an emotional ordeal. We've had very little sex in the last three years or so. He's always making jokes that indicate he's interested in sex, but he never attempts to initiate it. When I make the first move, things get very awkward. I'm very sensitive to body language, and the best way to describe my husband's body language after I make an offer of sex is "clammed up". Bunched shoulders, arms crossed, body language that to my mind screams "NO!". Yet verbally he will say he wants to have sex. He'll get into bed, pull the covers up to his neck, and just lay there, waiting for me to do something. This turns me off cold. I need to feel welcomed and desired, instead I feel like I'm forcing an unpleasant chore on him. We've talked about it several times, and he claims not to see his behavior in that light, and makes no effort whatsoever to change, yet he still says repeatedly that he's "open to more sex". It wasn't always like this, and I find that I now equate sex with negative emotions like feeling frozen out, unwanted, and ashamed of my desire. It doesn't feel like two people who love each other finding a connection. It feels like two people trying to overcome an odious task to reach orgasm. I don't know how to go back to it being easy and spontaneous.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

So he is obviously going through something and isn't communicating about it with you.

Would have to be guessing here but it could be some kind of body image, or self esteem issue. He could be depressed, etc...

The bottom line is he has to at least communicate what is going on and work towards remedying his issues.

Regardless of the cause, he is damaging his marriage and you need to have the wherewithal to confront him, firmly but with love, about what he is doing to the marriage and you can't be willing to back down without progress.

Progress is not saying ok and I'll work on it.

Progress is making effort and working every day towards the goal of health again.

He may need some counseling to help him resolve his problems.

Does he grope you regularly and flirt? Did he use to?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Yes something is going on with him. Affair, lost attraction, ED, Gay, whatever. 

You are going to have to have the talk, the hard talk, the talk lots of people don't want to have, you have to be honest with him, and you have to be honest with yourself. 

Look, you are having sex dreams from a jerk boyfriend 20 years ago that was a great lay. That really should tell you something... 

The talk goes something like this: 

"Husband, I am not feeling good about our sex life. I don't really understand what is going on, but it is not working for me. When you, "Clam Up" and reject me for sex, it makes me feel bad, it make me feel unloved, it makes me feel undesirable, it makes me feel worthless as a woman.

This is something that we need counseling with a a sex therapist and we have to figure this out.

It is that or, 1) we can get a divorce, or 2) we can have an open relationship and i can find someone to meet my sexual needs. 

What is it going to be?????" 

I am not saying to use those exact words, but those points, no matter how painful, have to be addressed clearly.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Some people believe that if your spouse isn’t beneficial to you, then you should leave them. Meaning, every “action” has a plus or minus. I love him (plus), he makes me laugh (plus), we don’t have sex(minus) type of thing. Many times we tend to focus on the very few negatives in our marriage and make ourself unhappy. 

The real question is... are you overall unhappy? Can you see your life without him in it?


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