# Young and questioning my relationship



## youngnlove (Dec 9, 2011)

I found this website through google... I am not married, but am looking for advice from people on the other side of this.

Me and my boyfriend are 25. I am just finishing up my degree (I went back to school after a break) and he is finished and establishing his career. We've been together nearly 2 years, so obviously we have talked about marriage a few times. We don't live together, mostly because I am very close to school and he lives very close to work - plus my parents help my rent if I live alone so it made sense. 

First, the good: He is one of the first men I've trusted to let into my life. I've dated a lot, but he is the first one who I have trusted. I am head over heels for him - and have been since we started dating. I still get giddy over the silly texts he sends me. He cooks for me often (I'm a horrible cook). We enjoy a great sex life. My friends love him, I love his family like my own, and he fits in well to mine as well. We have the same ideas about the future (I would like to stay home should our money permit) and have a few children... I think we are a great "fit" in most of our personality traits.

Now, for the bad: We cannot fight with each other. Any time a conflict arises, it's world war 3. We've NEVER been violent with each other, but that's where the boundaries end. We're both stubborn as hell, and as soon as fighting starts, it's a 3 hour epic battle of screaming and crying. I know I am NOT blameless in this. We both push each other's buttons. I've never had problems like this in my other relationships. If anything, they've been boring - not this.

I've tried to seek out help before for us, we came up with a list of "fighting rules" like "No name calling, stay on topic", etc, but it seems to go right out the window as soon as we get heated.

I don't want to spend my life like this. But then again, I've also never thought I could love like this either. The thought of being apart from him tears me apart. 

I wanted to know those who have been in this a while. Will it ever settle down? Do we need to separate from each other for good? For a while?

I don't know what to do - I can't be married to someone for the rest of my life like this. But I don't want to be with anyone else ever again either...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It seems like the rest of your relationship is good. So it would make some sense to try to change the angry outbursts.

One of the issues to be concerned about is that if something bothers you now, before marriage, expect it to be many times worse after marriage. While there might not be any physical violence right now it could escalate. Abusive relationship seldom start out that way... it just happens slowly in most cases.

You may not realize it yet but you have 100% control over how you react to anything. Generally there is a moment of reation, but as humans we have the ability to stop the reaciton and control our behavior and even our emotions.

Something that has worked for me and many others is to use a word or gesture to stop behavior that we do not like. 

For example my ex-husband used to yell, throw things, etc. Eventually he started to push me around as well. I read the book, "The Dancer Of Anger" (great book!) and got some ideas from it.


Like you when the arguing started I would feel a need to defend myself, explain myself, etc. But the more I did that the wore the argument became. It was horrible.

I decided to use the word "Stop" and the hand geture for stop. So when my husband started one of his rages I would put my hand up and say "STOP!" If needed I'd repeat it several times. Then I'd say that I was not going to engage in a fight and I would go to a quiet room or for a walk. When our young son was around I took him with me.

My doing this shocked my husband. After a while he stopped the angry rages... after all without an audience and someone to enage with, what fun is there to ranting and raging?

Now it was not easy at first... so I practiced in front of a mirror. I imagined my husband yelling/screaming and getting in my face. And then I would do the "STOP!" routine. And I practiced over and over until it was engrained in me to do it.

When my husband was not in a rage I talked to him about getting control of his emotions. That here is a way to manage them so that he did not go off the deep end like that. Exercise is one of the best ways to handle this... so he took up bike riding. When he started to get out of hand i'd tell him to go do something to get rid of the anger.. so he'd take off on his bike.

I did eventually divorce him due to his constant infidelities once I discovered them. But the angry outbursts got a lot better.

I'm not a person who normally argues like that. My ex does ... he does it with his new wife as well... our son complains about their yelling/screaming at each other.

With my new husband I can count on one hand the times we've had an angry outburst in the 11 years we have been married.

Which of you starts the fights and which is reacting? Or are both of you starting it? Something to think of. If you are the starter then you can put a stop to this very quickly.


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## TroubldHusband (Nov 29, 2011)

Ele, you have an absolutely amazing idea right there. I never even thought of something like that. I'm the screamer in mine and my wife's relationship, and honestly, I think if my wife and I decide to reconcile I will give her this as an idea in order to help me control my emotions, which in turn will help our relationship in the long run. I'll PM you at some point to discuss it some more as I don't want to hijack the thread. 

Youngnlove, you two need to get control over your yelling and screaming at each other. In the long run it's going to be devastating to your relationship. The yelling and screaming is only going to escalate into more and more abusive behavior, just like Ele said. Obviously the two of you love each other. Why not try to get into anger management together if you both have a tendency to get to the point of yelling back and forth, which from what you've told us, it seems like both of you are guilty of. I think it would be beneficial to you both in controlling your emotions, and could go a long way in bringing the two of you closer together and reward both of you with a happier and more stable relationship. Good luck!


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Next time this happens make a recording. Even if its three hours. Since its without his knowledge act natural as though you were not recording unless you can get a third person to do it which is highly unlikely. Then listen to it alone. Give it your husband to listen to it alone. Both of you make notes of how to improve. And then listen to it together. In time this should work.


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## TroubldHusband (Nov 29, 2011)

Another great idea!


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