# Moving on - place to exchange ideas



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I am starting this thread hoping that the TAM posters would exchange their experiences, books, podcasts, websites, etc that might be helpful in moving past divorce, towards better life. In healing post-marital bruises.In overcoming the fear of the same mistakes in the future. In learning to trust ourselves again and our judgement. In making ourselves better, wiser person and find peace again.

If you already went through this - what's your advise? what's your recommendations? Or if you are going through it right now -what do you find to be helpful in the process?

P.S. This post was inspired by @Emerging Buddhist recent post in Singles of TAM.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I find that my very first thoughts when I'm first waking up in the morning have a huge impact on the rest of my day.

Before breakfast, I do yoga, and my instructor regularly talks about intentions and foundations. 

I like that, so for the past week or so, as I'm waking up (or even when I'm awake in the middle of the night) I've been directing my thoughts towards a list of words that represent a more idealized version of how I want my self-talk to run when thinking of myself and others...

peace
kindness
generosity
openness
patience
forgiveness
mercy
understanding
compassion

Waking up this way has been really helpful with my negative ruminating. 

My past few days have been entirely peaceful, and although thoughts may come up, they've been leaving just as quickly, which has been a pleasant relief. 🙂


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

This morning, I was reading articles about blame, and these were helpful.









4 Steps to Stop Blaming


Sometimes, it really is someone's fault. But sometimes we blame out of habit.




www.psychologytoday.com













Blame: A Not-So-Guilty Pleasure


Since blame is unavoidable, be sure to do it well.




www.psychologytoday.com













Victim Blaming: A Tactic for Avoiding Emotional Intimacy


The reasons why it’s not your fault and what to do about it.




www.psychologytoday.com













When You're in Relationship With a Blamer


What you can learn from the most challenging people in your life.




www.psychologytoday.com













What to Do About the People Who Blame You for Everything


How to live your own truth, not someone else's version of it.




www.psychologytoday.com


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## Girldad (Aug 25, 2020)

minimalME said:


> I find that my very first thoughts when I'm first waking up in the morning have a huge impact on the rest of my day.
> 
> Before breakfast, I do yoga, and my instructor regularly talks about intentions and foundations.
> 
> ...


This is an awesome idea! Thank you for sharing!

Sent from my Pixel 2 using Tapatalk


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I wish I had a list to share with you but I just plugged along with life, posted here and read lots of stories here and slowly I felt better and lost the anger. I have always felt that holding onto anger just rots your soul. It doesn't accomplish anything...it has it's place for a while but then it's just unhealthy. After some time I really examined what had had happened with my exH and realized that most of it was not something he did to me deliberately. I managed this by seeing this from his point of view. I really saw what he must have been going through and how that affected his choices. And I started being honest with myself...it helped to stay angry by assigning nasty motives to his actions but were those real? No. So once I stopped and really looked at things objectively I was able to move on. I still get sad sometimes at the loss of our "family" but it's still there...just different. 

That's all I got, hope it helps.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

notmyjamie said:


> I wish I had a list to share with you but I just plugged along with life, posted here and read lots of stories here and slowly I felt better and lost the anger. I have always felt that holding onto anger just rots your soul. It doesn't accomplish anything...it has it's place for a while but then it's just unhealthy. After some time I really examined what had had happened with my exH and realized that most of it was not something he did to me deliberately. I managed this by seeing this from his point of view. I really saw what he must have been going through and how that affected his choices. And I started being honest with myself...it helped to stay angry by assigning nasty motives to his actions but were those real? No. So once I stopped and really looked at things objectively I was able to move on. I still get sad sometimes at the loss of our "family" but it's still there...just different.
> 
> That's all I got, hope it helps.,


I did something similar. I was tempted to see those decades in a dysfunctional marriage as totally wasted but that’s not really the complete picture. After the divorce, I finally accepted my ex-husband for who he really was. His need for attention from other women meant our marriage never would work no matter how hard I tried so I was able to let go of all the bitterness and anger of those decades. After the divorce, we were able to be friends again and I enjoyed that.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Turn off the news, close all media, including your phone, i.e., Facebook, messaging. 
Warn your loved ones before doing this!!

Take daily walks or bike rides into nature's bounties. Bring a calm friend, now and then.
Be sure these exercising areas are safe, please!

Listen to _soothing_ music.

Avoid, and remove, as much as possible, all of your own personal anxiety triggers.

Stop allowing unwelcome guests in your head and consciousness.
(Uh, I have failed at this. My head is a boarding house for all sorts of personalities!)

Huh, what?


_The Host, RD-_


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

My ex and I basically approached the divorce like what is described in Conscious Uncoupling (homepage) without really learning about it until after we were basically done. Some key takeaways:


It is reasonable to be angry (especially if you are the one being "dumped") but you don't _have_ to act on it. 
Just because you are angry right now is no reason to poison a relationship you might have for many years to come (especially if you are co-parents).
Be generous to build goodwill. That is, don't go into the divorce proceedings with the intent to get as much as you can from it.
Take ownership in your part of the death of the relationship, whether it is actions you took (or didn't take) during the relationship, settling for someone you didn't like that much, deciding to get into a relationship with someone with incompatible values, or not making an effort to keep them or yourself engaged in the relationship.
Mindfully examine what you blame them for. Mindfully examine what they blame you for. For civil breakups you can apologize in person or identify your complaints likewise. Symbolically doing this in a journal is OK too.
Try to identify what in your past influenced your relationship negatively. (IE did your peer interactions or the relationship with or of your parents lead you to make bad choices in mate selection or influenced you negatively in how you held up your part of the relationship?) Is there anything you can do to avoid the negative influences in the future.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

minimalME said:


> I find that my very first thoughts when I'm first waking up in the morning have a huge impact on the rest of my day.
> 
> Before breakfast, I do yoga, and my instructor regularly talks about intentions and foundations.
> 
> ...


This sounds interesting, I will give it a try.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> Turn off the news, close all media, including your phone, i.e., Facebook, messaging.
> Warn your loved ones before doing this!!
> 
> Take daily walks or bike rides into nature's bounties. Bring a calm friend, now and then.
> ...


These are right on the mark. I was political junkie all my life but now I just avoid it. Check the most important headline and run away cut on facebook time. 

Yes, nature, biking, clise friends -these are things that would help me to find that balance.,


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Thank you for sharing and wise advice/suggestions. I myself do not have much to offer at this moment yet, hopefully in the future. 

My therapist -who is CBT. Not talk therapy -keeps encouraging me to change the pattern in how to react to emotions, those negative ones. 
She says when you feel negative emotion getting to you, do not let it overwhelm you. Instead, find what was the thinking process that lead to it and disarm it with specific, rational facts. 
Ex. If I start feeling again scared about my life after divorce, bring rationale to it. Basically it would be this: -I managed so much in my life until now, went through so many obstacles, hard times and always managed in the end. Why would it be different now? I’ll manage, I always do.

Not all situations would be so easy to analyze, of course.


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