# I'm confused ladies



## Confused Man (Feb 14, 2010)

First let me say, I just registered here and this is my first post. I'll try to keep it short and on topic.

My wife left me 3 1/2 weeks ago. We have been married for 17 years, together for over 20 years. We have 2 young ones. She left me because of several reasons; arguing, my lack of motivation, she felt unappreciated, and I have held secrets regarding our finances away from her. With that said, I know I have likely ruined my marriage and chased away the love of my life. She told me via text message about 10 days ago that I "needed to move on with my life, without her in the picture, and she needed to move on too".

Of course I'm devastated but I fully understand why/how I've ruined this marriage. Since she's left, I am in the process of getting my/our financial picture in order, I have revamped my career options, I have lost 30 lbs, and though my heart aches, I feel better than I have mentally and physically in a number of years.

Two days ago, I spent the day with our oldest son and my best friend. We drove along the coast and it was the first day that I honestly felt like it was simply too late for our marriage. I have come to the understanding that she's gone forever, and there's virtually no chance of us reconciling again. That night, she calls me to discuss business regarding our finances and a house we're trying to sale. I told her that I'm feeling okay, and some great opportunities have VERY recently popped up in my life. She wanted to know what it was, and I told her that there was a huge opportunity for me to purchase a large business and reestablish my old career. She then became angry and wanted to know why I hadn't talked to her about it, and I told her that I was just in the beginning stages of negation and asked her why she was so concerned about my future ... after all, she told me 10 days ago, that I needed to "move on without her in the picture". She then became angrier, and said that what I do in my life impacts her and our children. I told her that I was moving on like she suggested and was on my way to becoming a better man. I told her she needed to stop worrying about my life, as I did her's. I told her my attitude had changed, and I would make more than enough money to take care our children and assist her.

Then the conversation turned to remaining separated, and I told her that I was planing on renting another place in the coming weeks. She then said something about us remaining separated for "4-seasons", spring, summer, fall, and winter. Then she may be ready to reconcile. I told her that if we did ever back together, a year was likely too long. She then said I'm only saying that because *"I want to get la*d"*. Okay, this comment threw me way off! I told her that was the last thing I was thinking about. And I told her because she was behaving this way, it indicated that she still had an emotional attachement to me, and it was confusing me. I told her, I was ready to move on with my life in therapy, career building, and hopefully she would do the same with a new person in her life. She replied back with "I'll never get married again".

I ended the conversation by saying that I was in the midst of a tremendous awaking in my life. I was ready to move on ... though I'd prefer to complete my task of bettering myself, remaining separated for at least 5-7 months, and then I'd prefer to move on with her and my kids as a better, reformed person.

OKAY ... what is my wife saying to me, when she brings up sex, and why is she so concerned with my future plans of reestablishing my career. Does my wife want me back as a new man, or is she just venting in my ear???

Answers please?


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## Enough!!! (Feb 1, 2010)

Okay! WOW!!!
Obviously this is an outsiders point of view.. Having said that.
It would seem that your wife has left you ONLY to teach you a lesson. Maybe even to spark or shock you into making some changes she felt you wouldn't make while you were together.
It would also seem that her re-action to your new business venture, is her concern that you may realise that you actually can live without her. I believe she still loves you very much, but wasn't happy with the way things were. She doesn't want this to be a permanent arrangement, just long enough for you to see her point of view. The "getting laid" part is almost certainly her concern that if you do sleep with someone else either one of 2 things will happen
1: You will start a relationship with that person, then not want her back
2: She will consider it cheating, then have a heap of other emotions to deal with, and probably believe their will be no going back
Either way, she doesn't want to loose you, but wanted change.
Just remember, while I'm a big supporter of fixing your share of the issues. You have needs too.Try to keep some of the control of the situation, or you may find yourself lost and controlled.
You love her, she loves you. Make the changes you feel you should, but if you want your marriage back, don't stray, coz for me, that would be a deal breaker.
if however, she is being intimate with others, then re-evaluate!
Best of luck


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Don't get hung up on "does she want to reconcile or not?" No one can answer that, not even her right now--she's too angry and hurt.

It is very hard to stay out of the life of someone you are used to prodding along through life, so she may be having some trouble letting go of that habit, even if she is emotionally disconnecting. Hard to say.

Stay focused on yourself. And seriously, is a year too long? Nope. Anyone getting divorced should take at LEAST that long to work on themselves before dating again. If you can't take a year on your own (and focus on yourself and your kids), then you aren't a very good friend to yourself. This does not mean you wait a year and hope she wants to reconcile at the end of it. It means you make a commitment to yourself not to get involved with anyone while you work things through, regardless of whether you remain separated or get divorced in that time. 

Good luck; you have great plans but the proof is in the ability to execute and sustain them.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Holy cow.. also I say.

She told you, you should move on with your life and the second she finds out about this potential business thing, she explains the hooks and why you should be including her? I dunno. Its way to hard to figure out what's really going on between you two from what you wrote.

I do suggest this. Be open to everything except getting ROYALY screwed. Make sure your separation is documented legally. Also check the laws in your area to see how division of property goes. Typically everything post separation is not subject to division. 
All im saying is, IF there is a chance that the wife who previously was giving you NO chance now is, be open to that... but understand why the change.. Seems to me she wants to keep you tied in for a bit till she decides.. that SUCKS if thats the case. You love her, and seems like you want to see if there is a chance. Dont let her jerk you around though.
You're not in a position to measure things accurately. 

She didnt say "Oh i'm impressed that you're doing something positive". She didnt say "oh thats great I hope it works out for you"... I heard.. hmmm "how can this be useful to me".

Based on the way you wrote it... I dont like the smell.


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## Confused Man (Feb 14, 2010)

Thanks ladies. I appreciate all your points.

Something else I want to say ... my therapist told me that when a couple separates, if that split last more than 1-2 months, it typically means the threshold has been crossed, and it's unlikely for a reconciliation. I didn't feel comfortable about this, because I know of other couples who have separated for much longer periods than 1-2 months, and they did get back together. What do you think about this?


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## Enough!!! (Feb 1, 2010)

I'm obviously no therapist, but Should they say that? Seems like a little generalisation to me. Who can say. It may be months it may even be years. You may or may not find your way back to each other. I don't believe the amount of time between your separation is ANY indication as to whether or not you will reconcile. That will ONLY be determined by you and your wife's desire.
You do love her... that is obvious.
But tread with caution. Only consider a reconciliation if you feel you are both 100% committed to the idea. In the mean time, best of luck with your ventures.


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