# It's petty, but it it makes me feel like I am not worth the effort



## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

I know this sounds really petty but it really hurts my feelings. A quick overview, Been with the hubby 30 years, married 27. Got 2 kids 21 and 19. Both kids with special needs, Aspergers and Chronically ill, both still living at home. Hubby and both kids have adhd. I don't even know how to put this. Hubby and I have gone through a bunch of stuff, crappy years and such. But on bdays, anniversary, Christmas and Mother's Day. I swear he goes out of his way to make me feel bad. Now before a bunch of people go on about he had adhd give him slack, he has in the past been thoughtful and can do it. I don't give a hoot about a present, it is more about thought and being appreciated. For example, some of the gifts in the past have been a mop and cleaner, a toilet seat(pink), or he completely forgot altogether. We have numerous discussions out of this because it is hurtful. I feel like he goes out of his way to say, I am not worth the effort. This Mother's Day my feelings were hurt. My son has Aspergers and my daughter is chronically ill so I do tons for both and the hubby doesn't put much effort in helping with either. He would rather be a friend than a parent. We are in the process of moving and I said, I don't really care about presents because I don't want to spend money on stuff I don't need. So he starts in the week of Mother's Day on what I wanted to do. Now we can't do tons because my daughter is sick so I suggest lunch and a movie. The day before my husband says, your son went way overboard on you for Mother's Day. Well, he has Asperger's and sometimes he doesn't get social clues but the fact he went and made a gesture was AWESOME! Nothing else was said. So the day begins with son coming to my room that morning and he gives me a huge bunny and basket that is a decoration for Easter that I had admired. He hands it to me and says I got it on clearance. I laugh, and make a big fuss because he remembered me looking at it and he knows I love a good deal! Hubby gets up and is like where do ya wanna go? what do ya wanna do? He made no plan whatsoever. My daughter gives me a card. I know she is broke but she says, Happy Mother's Day and I want to do a girls trip to someplace I have always wanted to go. She can't work, so I know it would be on my dime, but the fact she thought about something that I would like to do, even though I know it isn't her cup of tea was special. So I take my shower and I get out to find a box on the bed. It's a oil box we were using for packing. Hubby is like hey, I gotcha something. I open it up and it is a pot. Because I mentioned that previous Wednesday that I threw out my pot because the nonstick coating came off and I packed up my extras for the move. They were making fun of how I was in a packing frenzy and packing up everything. So it was funny that I packed up all my other pots and it happened. Now I said I didn't care to get a gift , but he thinks I should be over the moon with a pot. I didn't need another pot, they are packed. I can make do. Then we finally get ready, they vetoed the movie I wanted to see because of bad ratings and on the way over, he is grasping at straws trying to figure out where to take me for lunch. He didn't make a single plan. So we end up at a burger place and it was fine because I know the kids like eating there, and they start a conversation up about the presents.I had not said a single thing about it. My son chimes in(mind you I said absolutely nothing negative) I got mom the best present because I was scared she would be mad if I didn't! My daughter says, well I am broke so she got what she got. Hubby says nothing. Now I am livid. Because here my Aspie kid put thought into his present and now makes that statement and my daughter acted like she could care less that she just got a card. I know this stems from countless bdays, anniversaries where the hubby makes no effort whatsoever. Yet I have gone out of my way on his special days to make him feel appreciated. Again, it isn't the present, it's the fact they made me feel like crap. Yet I go out of my way for all three of them, on their special days. I try to make them feel special. But they know exactly how over the last few years the hubby makes no effort and yet they make the comment about me. I mean I let you off the hook with the present can you not plan a nice lunch or say ok, we are taking you here. It was literally me having to come up with a plan. I would blame it on adhd if it wasn't for the fact he used to put thought into it before. I feel almost like I have PTSD on special occasions. Then his flippant remarks have got the kids thinking this is no big deal. It isn't just over Mother's Day but the fact the now my kids think I am a B**** about presents and I didn't say anything bad about anything! It was like they took their presents and presented it to me on a freaking garbage can now. I almost feel like returning their gifts and telling them where to shove it because I didn't make a big deal. My problem is that they didn't make it about me at all yet mom never forgets them and I feel very underappreciated and the message I got was that I was not worth any effort. I could understand if I had griped about it, made snarky comments or anything but I never said a word and got that. It really hurt my feelings. I know it sound petty but this has been like a little pebble that has gained momentum and know is this huge rock. I think it sets a wrong example for my kids. Not to mention the fact I got his mom's gift and he took the credit! How would you feel? Am I totally wrong?


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

tamara24 said:


> I know this sounds really petty but it really hurts my feelings. A quick overview, Been with the hubby 30 years, married 27. Got 2 kids 21 and 19. Both kids with special needs, Aspergers and Chronically ill, both still living at home. Hubby and both kids have adhd. I don't even know how to put this. Hubby and I have gone through a bunch of stuff, crappy years and such. But on bdays, anniversary, Christmas and Mother's Day. I swear he goes out of his way to make me feel bad. Now before a bunch of people go on about he had adhd give him slack, he has in the past been thoughtful and can do it. I don't give a hoot about a present, it is more about thought and being appreciated. For example, some of the gifts in the past have been a mop and cleaner, a toilet seat(pink), or he completely forgot altogether. We have numerous discussions out of this because it is hurtful. I feel like he goes out of his way to say, I am not worth the effort. This Mother's Day my feelings were hurt. My son has Aspergers and my daughter is chronically ill so I do tons for both and the hubby doesn't put much effort in helping with either. He would rather be a friend than a parent. We are in the process of moving and I said, I don't really care about presents because I don't want to spend money on stuff I don't need. So he starts in the week of Mother's Day on what I wanted to do. Now we can't do tons because my daughter is sick so I suggest lunch and a movie. The day before my husband says, your son went way overboard on you for Mother's Day. Well, he has Asperger's and sometimes he doesn't get social clues but the fact he went and made a gesture was AWESOME! Nothing else was said. So the day begins with son coming to my room that morning and he gives me a huge bunny and basket that is a decoration for Easter that I had admired. He hands it to me and says I got it on clearance. I laugh, and make a big fuss because he remembered me looking at it and he knows I love a good deal! Hubby gets up and is like where do ya wanna go? what do ya wanna do? He made no plan whatsoever. My daughter gives me a card. I know she is broke but she says, Happy Mother's Day and I want to do a girls trip to someplace I have always wanted to go. She can't work, so I know it would be on my dime, but the fact she thought about something that I would like to do, even though I know it isn't her cup of tea was special. So I take my shower and I get out to find a box on the bed. It's a oil box we were using for packing. Hubby is like hey, I gotcha something. I open it up and it is a pot. Because I mentioned that previous Wednesday that I threw out my pot because the nonstick coating came off and I packed up my extras for the move. They were making fun of how I was in a packing frenzy and packing up everything. So it was funny that I packed up all my other pots and it happened. Now I said I didn't care to get a gift , but he thinks I should be over the moon with a pot. I didn't need another pot, they are packed. I can make do. Then we finally get ready, they vetoed the movie I wanted to see because of bad ratings and on the way over, he is grasping at straws trying to figure out where to take me for lunch. He didn't make a single plan. So we end up at a burger place and it was fine because I know the kids like eating there, and they start a conversation up about the presents.I had not said a single thing about it. My son chimes in(mind you I said absolutely nothing negative) I got mom the best present because I was scared she would be mad if I didn't! My daughter says, well I am broke so she got what she got. Hubby says nothing. Now I am livid. Because here my Aspie kid put thought into his present and now makes that statement and my daughter acted like she could care less that she just got a card. I know this stems from countless bdays, anniversaries where the hubby makes no effort whatsoever. Yet I have gone out of my way on his special days to make him feel appreciated. Again, it isn't the present, it's the fact they made me feel like crap. Yet I go out of my way for all three of them, on their special days. I try to make them feel special. But they know exactly how over the last few years the hubby makes no effort and yet they make the comment about me. I mean I let you off the hook with the present can you not plan a nice lunch or say ok, we are taking you here. It was literally me having to come up with a plan. I would blame it on adhd if it wasn't for the fact he used to put thought into it before. I feel almost like I have PTSD on special occasions. Then his flippant remarks have got the kids thinking this is no big deal. It isn't just over Mother's Day but the fact the now my kids think I am a B**** about presents and I didn't say anything bad about anything! It was like they took their presents and presented it to me on a freaking garbage can now. I almost feel like returning their gifts and telling them where to shove it because I didn't make a big deal. My problem is that they didn't make it about me at all yet mom never forgets them and I feel very underappreciated and the message I got was that I was not worth any effort. I could understand if I had griped about it, made snarky comments or anything but I never said a word and got that. It really hurt my feelings. I know it sound petty but this has been like a little pebble that has gained momentum and know is this huge rock. I think it sets a wrong example for my kids. Not to mention the fact I got his mom's gift and he took the credit! How would you feel? Am I totally wrong?



Is your husband maybe trying to be funny?
‘Cos the gifts don’t seem right somehow...They all seem to have a common theme to them.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

I stopped reading at the toilet seat gift. I would have left them all to fend for themselves that day and went and done something by myself.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Disclaimer: I'm the weirdo who enjoys utilitarian gifts.

Now, on to you. You sound exhausted and overworked. Understandable given your family dynamic.

Now, I would've been pissed at the toilet seat gift. The pot? Not so much. Because you did say how you needed a new one. ( I realize you packed up your other ones. ) 

Do you think your husband didn't make plans to give you free reign to decide where you wanted to eat? Why didn't you chime in and say where you wanted to eat? It is your day, after all. Was it because you wanted a day where you wanted to make no decisions? (I totally get that.)

They shouldn't have vetoed your choice of movie. At that point I would've said, whose day are we celebrating? Mine or yours?

If I were you, I would reel it in when it comes to celebrating your family, especially your husband. I'm like you. I like to celebrate people on their special days and tend to pull out all the stops to make them feel special. If it's not reciprocated, stop doing it to the degree in which you are doing it 

I'm sorry you feel this way. Sounds like you're the glue that holds the family together and I applaud you for that.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

It is what it is and IMO things are not likely to change. So could you change your expectations? They obviously love you, but don't know how to show it. As you say, stuff is just stuff. By now they are anxious about what to do for special days. However, don't say something you do not mean. 

I used to wish my adult kids would go to church with me on special occasions; they do not but they go to their own churches and I am thankful for that. So I let that go and genuinely embrace what they do and when they do it--maybe the day before or three days after. Your body language may speak louder than your verbal language. 

Have you read "The Five Love Languages"? Maybe that would help y'all communicate better. Your devotion is evident, you will be rewarded someday.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Tamara, I feel so much compassion for you. Have you thought about seeing a therapist? I do believe you have PTSD, but perhaps it is more like C-PTSD. It appears that your self esteem, wants, desires and perhaps even needs, have been put aside to care for your children and also husband.

You have no respite!!OMG!!!! Of course you are fed up! As humans, we like to feel valued and appreciated. You do not get that.... you need to do something for you to increase your overall happiness. 
If you have forgotten what you like to do, go for walks. Start slow. See a therapist. Not sure.
Please take care of yourself!!


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

No, he thought at first he was being funny, but there is no follow up gift or anything. I made it clear that I found this to be very hurtful because he puts no thought or effort. He continuously does it


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

It's really not about the gift itself. I just want to feel loved and appreciated. He did it before and was actually pretty good at it. Then I started getting these stupid things like the mop and cleaner. I never said oh I need a new pot, we were just laughing because I made spaghetti in a fryer pan because I packed the pots up. I made do with what I had and was completely ok. I ALWAYS have to make the decisions on where we go, what we do. etc. I didn't feel like it was asking too much when I said lunch and a movie that they figure it out from there. I know there are deep seated issues but I look at my kids and hear them make the comments they do and I realize it didn't matter that he has been crappy and puts no effort into it, all they see was my reaction to the thoughtless behavior. For example, one anniversary he invited my BIL and SIL to go to an amusement park all day with us, I got stuck with the SIL and the kids and hubby had a great time with his brother, when we got back he was like did you get me a present? I said yes and I saved up enough money to get him surround sound speakers. When it was my turn, he said he didn't have time to get me anything. He worked right down the street from the mall and had an hour lunch. Not even a card. We went on vacation and the next day was my bday. He didn't realize it until that evening when my daughter handed me a candy bar and said Happy Bday. He claims he got the dates wrong, so instead of coming and saying I thought your bday was the next day, he said nothing. I just feel very much like he makes no effort. But even now he knows I am upset about what transpired, he is the victim because I shouldn't get mad at him when I didn't want anything to begin with! That is NOT the point! Again, it's petty but I wasn't asking for lunch at the country club, I just wanted to feel appreciated.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

tamara24 said:


> My problem is that they didn't make it about me at all yet mom never forgets them and I feel very underappreciated and the message I got was that I was not worth any effort. I could understand if I had griped about it, made snarky comments or anything but I never said a word and got that. It really hurt my feelings. I know it sound petty but this has been like a little pebble that has gained momentum and know is this huge rock. I think it sets a wrong example for my kids. Not to mention the fact I got his mom's gift and he took the credit! How would you feel? Am I totally wrong?


I completely understand why you feel hurt. I would feel hurt too. It's not petty at all. Now what I think you need to do is tell them. Your children are old enough to be told the truth. They hurt you by making you feel like they didn't get you gifts because they love you, but out of obligation. I feel like your hurt feelings from your what your son said have run over to your daughter though. I feel like she was more trying to deal with her embarrassment over not getting you a gift than anything.

As for your hubby, I think he was trying to give you the option to do what you wanted to do in his mind, because that was the easy way out. You cannot make him care though. I know how you feel. When I was married, my birthday was the day after his. One year I had helped the kids get him a gift and got him a gift (as I always did). The kids were so happy to give him their gifts that morning. The next morning, on my birthday, they had nothing for me because he didn't bother helping them (they were too young to go shopping on their own), or getting me anything either. The worst thing about that was seeing how bad they felt. They were so upset.

The point is though, you need to be honest with your children. You need to sit down with your son and tell him you were very hurt when he said that. Tell them what you wrote above that I quoted. Your daughter too if you are sure that it wasn't just the hurt you felt from your son leaching over. You need to teach them that you have feelings, and they shouldn't say hurtful things to the people they love. I know it seems like you have to protect them, but these are extremely important life lessons they need to learn.

As for your hubby, do as much for him as he does for you imo. If he doesn't get you a gift, or do anything for you birthday, do the same for his next birthday.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

tamara24 said:


> It's really not about the gift itself. I just want to feel loved and appreciated. He did it before and was actually pretty good at it. Then I started getting these stupid things like the mop and cleaner. I never said oh I need a new pot, we were just laughing because I made spaghetti in a fryer pan because I packed the pots up. I made do with what I had and was completely ok. I ALWAYS have to make the decisions on where we go, what we do. etc. I didn't feel like it was asking too much when I said lunch and a movie that they figure it out from there. I know there are deep seated issues but I look at my kids and hear them make the comments they do and I realize it didn't matter that he has been crappy and puts no effort into it, all they see was my reaction to the thoughtless behavior. For example, one anniversary he invited my BIL and SIL to go to an amusement park all day with us, I got stuck with the SIL and the kids and hubby had a great time with his brother, when we got back he was like did you get me a present? I said yes and I saved up enough money to get him surround sound speakers. When it was my turn, he said he didn't have time to get me anything. He worked right down the street from the mall and had an hour lunch. Not even a card. We went on vacation and the next day was my bday. He didn't realize it until that evening when my daughter handed me a candy bar and said Happy Bday. He claims he got the dates wrong, so instead of coming and saying I thought your bday was the next day, he said nothing. I just feel very much like he makes no effort. But even now he knows I am upset about what transpired, he is the victim because I shouldn't get mad at him when I didn't want anything to begin with! That is NOT the point! Again, it's petty but I wasn't asking for lunch at the country club, I just wanted to feel appreciated.


The disparity between your gifts to him and his gifts to you are making you feel even worse about everything. You need to let go of the expectation that you have to be this perfect mother, perfect partner. He couldn't be bothered remembering your birthday. He has set the bar extremely low. Let him experience it for himself.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

First you need to talk to your Hubby and tell him that it hurts your feelings when he does not spend the effort to select a gift. And that "utility" items are not as thoughtful ... so don't bother with things are are "utility" or "cleaning" items. Don't feel bad about having this discussion with him, lots of people think that they are giving a wonderful gift and you should be excited about it. Problem is that you need to sit down and talk to him and tell him that you would rather have something that he put some effort into thinking about, than what you have been getting. And let him know that as long as he has put effort into trying to think about you, and what you like, and then select something it is much better than a toilet brush or pot. Let him know that it is the thought that you are needing .. something that makes it feel he wanted you to have the gift .. not just needed it.

When it comes to "going out to a movie, and dinner" are you picky about what movie you see? Where you go to dinner?

The reason I ask these questions is that my own experience is that no matter what movie I pick, what theater I pick, or where to eat, my wife is not happy about the choice and wants to change it. My therapist says that she is always try to sabotage special events by changing her mind and making my efforts wrong. For this reason I have given up trying to make the special days special. 

So .. are you picky .. or would you be happy if he just made the decision and took you out to a restaurant that he believes you might like? Or to see a movie that may not have the best of reviews ... but is what he selected for you to see together?


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

No, I am not really picky. If there is something that all of us enjoy, then that is fine with me. The thing that bothers me the most is the fact that he can't make a decision on anything. I am not picky, I don't look for things to get mad about. He just made absolutely no effort. We have had this discussion a million times. He will say I get it, then the next holiday/birthday comes, he does it again. I literally spell it out. I guess I have to decide if this is something to even be upset about anymore. It hurts my feelings and he doesn't seem to care and then he says you are the love of my life. I just don't get it. I don't see how you can continuously hurt someone and know you are doing it


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

tamara24 said:


> No, I am not really picky. If there is something that all of us enjoy, then that is fine with me. The thing that bothers me the most is the fact that he can't make a decision on anything. I am not picky, I don't look for things to get mad about. He just made absolutely no effort. We have had this discussion a million times. He will say I get it, then the next holiday/birthday comes, he does it again. I literally spell it out. I guess I have to decide if this is something to even be upset about anymore. It hurts my feelings and he doesn't seem to care and then he says you are the love of my life. I just don't get it. I don't see how you can continuously hurt someone and know you are doing it


He does this on purpose. Stop expecting him to be loving and caring because he only cares about himself - i.e. the amusement park for your anniversary story. 

Start planning your own celebrations and exclude the family. Take yourself out for your birthday, Mother's Day, Valentine's Day etc. Scale the celebrations for the family way down. 

Are there any plans for your kids to eventually leave the nest?


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

My son possibly in another year. My daughter has two diseases with no cure. I have no idea how long she will be with us. Right now we are in the process of getting ready to move to get her closer to better medical treatment. But frankly I feel like I don't care to stick with this. He turns it in to him being the victim and I am cast as the B****. I just feel that after handling and juggling the kids issues and being the "glue" it should not be that hard to show someone they are appreciated. I am beginning to feel there is someone out there that would appreciate me more than this. No, I am not actively pursuing this as I am married. But the feeling is not going away. Years of this is just dragging me down.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I'm serious when I say to quit celebrating your husband's special days.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Another posted asked if you wanted a day where you did not have to make any decisions. Is that what you want? Would that make you feel more cared for?

If so, then you probably need to tell him that one thing that he can do is take all the decisions off you for a day. Tell him that it does not matter what he decides to do, as long as you are fully included (i.e. no going off with his brother), and that you want to be free from picking restaurants, times to go, etc. 

Does this make sense? Would this be a step in the right direction?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I raised 5 kiddos, all adults now....was married for 24 years and Mother's Day was always the worst so I do understand. I always asked myself if there was something I was doing wrong. I have read too on why moms just get passed over. My guess is you are kind and the kids feel safe. your husband is clueless but to be offended I seriously don't think he would understand. Seriously, my experience is men are clueless. Lady, you might have to plan those special occasions and find what it is that you want to do that will make you happy and forget about the input of others.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

tamara24 said:


> My son possibly in another year. My daughter has two diseases with no cure. I have no idea how long she will be with us. Right now we are in the process of getting ready to move to get her closer to better medical treatment. But frankly I feel like I don't care to stick with this. He turns it in to him being the victim and I am cast as the B****. I just feel that after handling and juggling the kids issues and being the "glue" it should not be that hard to show someone they are appreciated. I am beginning to feel there is someone out there that would appreciate me more than this. No, I am not actively pursuing this as I am married. But the feeling is not going away. Years of this is just dragging me down.


It sounds like you are coming to the point where there'll be the straw that breaks the camels back. It is up to you now to make sure he realises you are at that point. If he won't listen, make him listen. One way to get the point across is to tell him either you go to marriage counselling and he starts giving a crap about things that are important to you, or you separate.

Don't leave it to the point of no return. You're extremely close to that already, but I don't think you realise just how close. Before you know it, something bad will happen and you'll be in the middle of a divorce. If that's what you want, do it, otherwise, do something about it!


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

So plan a big treat (weekend trip, for example) for you and children excluding him if this makes you feel better, because he is not going to change.

Perhaps a minimal Father's Day with emphasis on family, not him, would open his eyes. Again you want to feel cherished and appreciated, does he do this in any other ways?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

sunsetmist said:


> So plan a big treat (weekend trip, for example) for you and children excluding him if this makes you feel better, because he is not going to change.


 I would do exactly the OPPOSITE. I would go somewhere *all by myself* and let his HIS lazy, uninvolved ass do the work at home just for *ONE *day in his life. 

Just one.

This guy is _such_ a lazy, apathetic douche bag.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

tamara24 said:


> It's really not about the gift itself. I just want to feel loved and appreciated. He did it before and was actually pretty good at it. Then I started getting these stupid things like the mop and cleaner. I never said oh I need a new pot, we were just laughing because I made spaghetti in a fryer pan because I packed the pots up. I made do with what I had and was completely ok. I ALWAYS have to make the decisions on where we go, what we do. etc. I didn't feel like it was asking too much when I said lunch and a movie that they figure it out from there. I know there are deep seated issues but I look at my kids and hear them make the comments they do and I realize it didn't matter that he has been crappy and puts no effort into it, all they see was my reaction to the thoughtless behavior. For example, one anniversary he invited my BIL and SIL to go to an amusement park all day with us, I got stuck with the SIL and the kids and hubby had a great time with his brother, when we got back he was like did you get me a present? I said yes and I saved up enough money to get him surround sound speakers. When it was my turn, he said he didn't have time to get me anything. He worked right down the street from the mall and had an hour lunch. Not even a card. We went on vacation and the next day was my bday. He didn't realize it until that evening when my daughter handed me a candy bar and said Happy Bday. He claims he got the dates wrong, so instead of coming and saying I thought your bday was the next day, he said nothing. I just feel very much like he makes no effort. But even now he knows I am upset about what transpired, he is the victim because I shouldn't get mad at him when I didn't want anything to begin with! That is NOT the point! Again, it's petty but I wasn't asking for lunch at the country club, I just wanted to feel appreciated.


Tamara, you have every right to be upset. It wouldn't take much effort on his part to take you out, make a fuss of you and get the kids involved, it does not need a lot of money. It is not really the kids fault as he is modelling for them how to treat you.
I suggest you ignore all his forthcoming Father's day or buy him something very perfunctory such as a garden hoe or something. Let him feel at what is like to be on the receiving end, and stop organizing gifts for his family members. You may remind him they are coming up and leave it at that. Enough is enough. Next time on your birthday etc. Take some money and get a spa, a mani/pedi etc go to a movie alone or a nice meal, leave them behind.


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