# Newlywed with Issues (again)



## Hubby321 (Aug 1, 2010)

In a previous post I talked of my wife of 2 months (yes, only 2 months!) and I having disagreements over her being more independent. I offered to pay for her education so that she could continue her trade and even bought her a car so's she could get around better. 
We fought again today - this time she claim that I was "harping" over helping her be more independent. I've always used tact and diplomacy and I gently reminded her but I don't speak about it every day! Her former hubby was abusive and used to holler and hammer at her; I'm more gentle and tactful. Anyway, i've been to see a therapist the last couple weeks (just me). Today, I asked the Missus to come with me - she refused. So I went alone. The therapist told me that she wants to see my wife next session. So I came home, told wife that the therapist wants to see her - to come with me next session. This was met with stony silence. She's not crazy about the idea, I can tell. I'm trying my best but seems that I'm met with a stone wall...I don't know what else to do!


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## examinerdeby (Aug 22, 2010)

I agree with Breeze. Let her make her own decisions about this. You can not change someone by trying to force them into your way of thinking.

My question to you is...I see that you've been married only 2 months. Why on earth would you start nagging at her to change just because you think she should? You are trying to control her and I hope you understand the damage you can do if you keep do this. If you want her to be more independent, then stop telling her what to do. Let her trust you...it may take a very long time if she was previously abused. She should be able to feel comfortable around you just being herself, flaws and all.


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## Hubby321 (Aug 1, 2010)

All I'm trying to do is show her that she has a lot of potential. I'm not demanding, I'm ASKING her. I did tell her that it would mean a lot to me but also, it will ultimately pay off for her in the long run.


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## Hubby321 (Aug 1, 2010)

OK, I've said to her what needed to be said...I'm not saying another thing. I've laid it out so she can play it out. I've decided that if she wants to do something about her life, great! If not, then she's gonna be a lost ball in tall weeds. We always discussed moving forward, but apparently she wants to stagnate - and if that's the case, I told her, then we may have to discuss separation, 'cause it just doesn't seem that she's working with me here.


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## Zammo (Aug 9, 2010)

Don't ever bring up the subject anymore. Seriously.

If her actions are not showing you that she wants to be more independent, then she really doesn't want to be more independent, no matter what she says.

Just don't take her words seriously until the actions back up those words.

As for the counseling thing, she likely doesn't want to be told she is doing something wrong.

Here's a prediction if she actually goes to counseling with you: the counselor tells her that she should change some of her behavior. She will translate that as "I am doing something wrong" and then will promptly ask for you to find a new counselor.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I have to be honest..I'm not entirely sure *she's* the problem here. You're discussing separation after two months. It sounds to me like you married her, either not knowing who and what she was, or thinking you could change who and what she was. 

You describe her as wanting to stagnate, but I don't really see anywhere where you describe specific examples of this, or even why it would necessarily be a bad thing. I am a stay at home mother...some people might describe me as stagnating, but I would disagree. I am raising my sons. I am here to help with homework, help with any struggles they may have, and raise them to be good men someday. I feel what I am doing is a very worthwhile pursuit. Perhaps whatever she is doing, she feels the same way. And if that's the case, then your insistence that she's stagnating and your constant pressure for her to do more will only make her resistant and push her away. 

Also, you want her to be independent. How can she be independent if she does what you tell her? Isn't that the very opposite of independence? If you want her to be independent, then you need to back off and let her do so, on her own terms and in her own way. 

You can't try to change her. You married her knowing full well (I hope) who and what she was. You either have to accept her as she is, or acknowledge that you should not have married her and free her to find someone who can and will accept her as she is.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> Also, you want her to be independent. How can she be independent if she does what you tell her? Isn't that the very opposite of independence? If you want her to be independent, then you need to back off and let her do so, on her own terms and in her own way.


:iagree:

Re-read that line Hubb321 as many times as you need to until you understand what truckersgirl is saying. You say you wife has come out of a marriage where the hubby was abusive and controlling. You say you want her to do X (which is what you want and not what she wants). You may be nice about it, but it's still controlling.

Just because you don't yell, scream, insult, etc does not mean your not controlling. From reading your posts Hubby321, you are sounding to me very controlling. It seems to me your doing the same type of stuff her previous husband did, just in a nicer way...


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## Hubby321 (Aug 1, 2010)

I read and thought hard about the last 2 posts. Maybe in her eyes I was trying to "control" her, but I did point out that counseling would mean a LOT to me. The thing is, I work full time and she only part time; she has an opportunity for a job w/ more money. We're falling behind on our bills and she needs a new car (her old one is dying), which we can't afford just now but with the opportunity, we can catch up and maybe able to get a new car as she needs a car for her work. If she doesn't have a vehicle, she can't work and we'll REALLY be in the doghouse! She says that she wants to be on equal terms with me, but all I'm asking is that she pick up the slack a little more so we can make ends meet. Is that too much to ask?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Do you know what her reasons are for not taking the other job? That's always a good place to start, understanding why our partners are doing or not doing something.


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## Hubby321 (Aug 1, 2010)

Her reasoning: She wants to be home "to do laundry and have a home-cooked meal ready" for me when I get home from work. All well and good, but I can cook my own meals and do my own laundry. Another: she likes to watch TV and play games on the computer. I love to do those things too but it doesn't pay the bills.

I also think that she's afraid of failure. How can you be afraid if you haven't even TRIED?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

It sounds like she just doesn't want to work more, because it's hard work and she's used to having a part time job, and enjoys having free time. 

Sounds like you need to work out a budget, in writing, to go over with her. Maybe enlist her help in writing it up. List what all your expenses are, and what your income is. Put it all there in black and white. If your expenses is greater than your income, ask her for suggestions on what you both can do to either reduce expenses to match your income, or increase your income, or a mixture of both. 

If you have to reduce expenses, I'd go for extravagances like pay TV if you have it, and if she's playing online games, it'll be costing something, so that'll have to go, etc etc.

If the choice is between her getting a better job and you both continuing your lifestyle, or her not getting the job and you both lose everything you've worked for, I think the choice is pretty clear, but she can avoid it as long as she can avoid the reality of your financial situation. Make it impossible to avoid this reality.

If not getting housework done is a concern, make a plan on how you both can tackle the housework. Make meals a shared responsibility, and maybe do a lot of cooking on the weekends to freeze for coming week.


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## Hubby321 (Aug 1, 2010)

Thank you breeze....this is EXACTLY what I am trying to point out to her. If it's an extravagance, then it'll have to go. That means no TV, cable, or Internet. Shared responsibilities, like you just said. I have no problem in terms of washing dishes, doing laundry, taking out the garbage, etc. Or even cooking meals, for that matter! It's weighting the "wants" versus the "needs", and that's what a partnership is about. Again, not to be bossy or demanding, but also for us both to work and save something now so we can enjoy the fruits of it later.And to have something aside in the event of an emergency.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I get what you are saying...I really do. Here's the thing I see though: Some people are...they're like teenagers. You know, dad says you can't go out, so you sneak out anyway? Mom likes your gf/bf, so you break up with them? That whole resist anything that isn't your own idea kind of thing. So by pushing this job opportunity on her, by telling her she needs a new car, etc., you may be causing her to just resist you no matter what. 

I like breeze's idea of creating a budget and making her see the reality of your financial situation. As long as it's not real to her, then she can ignore it and pretend everything is just fine. But...when you show her this budget, don't say "and this is why you need to take this job opportunity." Instead, say something like "this is why you need to find a job that pays better than what you have now" or even better "how do you suggest we bring in more money?" By putting it on her to come up with a solution, she'll be less likely to resist doing something about it. She'll find it hard to say no to an idea she came up with without looking silly.

I know, you're thinking you shouldn't have to essentially treat her like a child. But...if she's got that tendency to resist doing what others want her to do (which, if her ex was controlling and such, is entirely possible. I know I went through a little period of being like that after I ended my marriage to a guy who was rather controlling), the only way to stop that and effectively get things done is to work with it, rather than against it.


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## BeanCounterWife (Mar 17, 2010)

I love the budget idea, as well. 

Obviously, she's pushing back against getting another job because she's from a controlling background. You have valid concerns about your financial situation so instead of trying to make up the difference in the money, why not cut out some of the extras (as someone mentioned)?

The way I see it (of course, as a Beancounter) is you either work more to pay your bills or you buy less. Since she's fighting back against going to work, show her the details in writing so she can choose what she'd like to cut back on. My guess is that she'll be more open to the idea of full time work when she realizes how many of her luxuries she'll be going without.


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## Hubby321 (Aug 1, 2010)

Well, I showed her the budget in writing. She has a better understanding now as to what we're up against. Truckersgirl, I wasn't TELLING her that she "needs a new car", she told ME this. As I said before, her car is dying and we both mentioned getting another car. All I'm trying to do is show her what needs to be done. You know, create a budget plan.


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## Hubby321 (Aug 1, 2010)

Update: My wife went with me to counseling and even though she was dead-set against it, she noticed that there was "openness' between her and our therapist. We had a looooooong talk (my wife and I) and we both agreed upon "open communication" which plays a BIG factor. I guess I'm just of a different mold - you see, she offers to show me what she's written in her journal (diary) but I refuse - far as I'm concerned, what's written in her diary is none of my business. Her ex used to take all her notes and read them, go rifling thru her purse, all that. Now she's married to a guy (me) who believes in "not touching things that don't belong to me" and I live rigidly by that rule! I know she doesn't mind sharing - that's great - but I also want to respect what's hers. Anyway, it's getting better, just need to work out a few kinks. It's gonna be a rough road to travel, but she said (and she was in tears) that she loves me with ALL her heart and wants nothing more than just to be with me. She also understands "baggage" (I have a 20-yr. old daughter from previous relationship and 19-month old granddaughter - my wife has 2 grown children from her previous marriage; and 3 grandchildren) So we're going to give it a shot.


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## ~Broken Spirit~ (Sep 7, 2010)

"Open Communication" That's what a marriage is about to begin with. You both have to be willing to be open with each other at ALL times. Your spouse is suppose to be the one person you can go to when the chips are down. And if you can't or don't have the open communication then how is your spouse to know they can count on you to be there when they need you the most? I think your wife shows you her journal/diary for that reason alone. I think she is trying to say to you.. Here I am, Here are my thoughts my feelings I don't want to hide anything from you. And maybe in her own way she is asking the same of you. I'm in no way here to judge you or her but sometimes you just have to have faith in knowing that no matter what, you are accepted by the one you love the most. Kinda like the first time we let you guys see us without our make-up......BIG step towards trust! Good Luck Hubby I hope everything works out for you and your wife.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

There are almost certainly thoughts and feelings that she is not capable of "verbalizing" to you that are in her journal. She WANTS you to know her better by reading it. It is not "private" if she wants to share it. Your reaction while noble is destructive. There is NOTHING better than being an expert on your wife. And yes I consider myself an expert on mine but it took a long time to get there....




Hubby321 said:


> Update: My wife went with me to counseling and even though she was dead-set against it, she noticed that there was "openness' between her and our therapist. We had a looooooong talk (my wife and I) and we both agreed upon "open communication" which plays a BIG factor. I guess I'm just of a different mold - you see, she offers to show me what she's written in her journal (diary) but I refuse - far as I'm concerned, what's written in her diary is none of my business. Her ex used to take all her notes and read them, go rifling thru her purse, all that. Now she's married to a guy (me) who believes in "not touching things that don't belong to me" and I live rigidly by that rule! I know she doesn't mind sharing - that's great - but I also want to respect what's hers. Anyway, it's getting better, just need to work out a few kinks. It's gonna be a rough road to travel, but she said (and she was in tears) that she loves me with ALL her heart and wants nothing more than just to be with me. She also understands "baggage" (I have a 20-yr. old daughter from previous relationship and 19-month old granddaughter - my wife has 2 grown children from her previous marriage; and 3 grandchildren) So we're going to give it a shot.


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## Hubby321 (Aug 1, 2010)

Well, as I said, we did the therapy thing. Now, my wife was discussing us getting a bigger place. She looked at listings and I pointed out that many of the places are in crime-ridden areas (drugs; gangs) We currently live in a good town - I've lived here for 15 years and it's a great town. Her reason: to pay lower rent. But I've told her that many landlords are doing credit checks (and both our credits suck) Also, we haven't got the money to move anyway. Well, it turned into a big FIGHT - and now she's not speaking to me. I've tried to tell her over and over - we need to get bills paid and clear our credit before we can even THINK of moving. Also, we need to save some money. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle here.


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## Hubby321 (Aug 1, 2010)

And again, I'm not looking to "shoot down" her ideas, which is what she's so upset about. All I'm saying is to "look at the Big Picture here". We're scraping by as it is; she wants us to do cheaper, but again, look at all the money we'd have to shell out beforehand (about $3,000). So, where are we SAVING money there? Her response: "I'll do what YOU want me to do!" So now, I'm the bad guy, right? I'm trying to look out for US - but she makes it seem as if "it's all about ME". Jeez, I never thought that I was the enemy!


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

So maybe you need to see a financial advisor or something. If she feels that your goal is just to get what you want, and not simply the best choice consideration your financial status, maybe she needs to hear it from someone else. Then again, maybe you are just happy with where you are, so you're creating reasons to stay.


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