# What do you get out of counselling?



## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

I have said to my WH that we need to go to counselling. It's one of the conditions of me even considering a R.

He's not unwilling, but he asked me what we would get out of it. Honestly, I wasn't sure what to tell him as I don't know myself.

We tried couples counselling once before when things first started to go wrong. I didn't like the woman - I felt she didn't understand our problems, she even laughed at me one time. I stopped going as the things we'd agreed to do in counselling, he didn't do afterwards, or he twisted it to make it seem like my memory of what we'd agreed to was faulty.

But everything I've read on here seems to suggest that counselling after an A is the way to go.

So, what happens during counselling? Do they give you a list of things to do to help? Do they give you a magic quick-fix potion?

What I want is to a) get some help to get over the pain of the A and b) get some help to fix what was wrong in our marriage in the first place for the A to have happened.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Getting help to get over the pain is for you, and should be addressed in IC. He should get his own IC to figure out why he did what he did and how to avoid doing it again.

Until then, I don't believe MC will do any good.

MC is for couples who want to work through marital issues. When infidelity is involved, you need a counselor who knows about infidelity issues specifically. Others can do more harm than good - some encourage rugsweeping, or make the BS take part of the blame for the A. That must NEVER happen.

You also need two partners who are fully 100% invested in making the marriage work. If either of you are hesitant to do that, it won't do any good. Your husband must prove by his ACTIONS that spending the money on MC will be worth it. You need to see concrete evidence, via his actions, that he means it when he says he wants to R. That takes time, a few months at least.

So, my theory is to NOT jump right into MC.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

No magic Band-Aid then? 

My problem is, I'm a fixer and a doer - I want everything to be sorted now, right away!

I figure the sooner we can start fixing it, the sooner it will stop hurting. But I guess it doesn't work like that.

Sorry - it's my first time and I'm struggling a bit.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Have you looked up the 180?

I am also a doer and want things NOW. I kicked my hubby out on D day and redid my bedroom


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

No - I'm still figuring out all the acronyms. I've seen the 180 mentioned, but I don't know what it is.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The Healing Heart: The 180

It is for you, to help you, no matter what he is doing or does, or whether you R or D.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

No magic Band-Aid. I wish to hell there was!

Ideally, both of you would have individual counselors and then have a marriage counselor - all of whom should be versed in infidelity. Trust me, after going through a horrible MC who had no clue and kept telling me I needed to "move on" and "get past" my wife's 5 year affair like 2 weeks after Dday...ummm...yeah, that f'ng sucked.

Your husband most likely isn't interested or willing because it is going to cause him to confront himself and then he's gonna have to confront himself TO you and share. So many people are afraid of sharing themselves yet they'll jump on the marriage train quickly.

They have no idea how egotistical they are and the prospect of learning scares the living sh-t outta them.

Stick to your guns. Take care of you by going to an IC first and foremost. Look up the 180 that Hope suggested because it is how to take care of the most important person in this...YOU.

Getting over the pain takes a while. I am just over 1 year past Dday. There are good days and there are bad days. I'm not saying I can't function, but just an all around crappy feeling about the affair and the betrayal.

Fixing what was wrong in your marriage first takes understanding where the train started going off the rails. You both need to recognize your individual mistakes in the marriage...that's 50/50. The affair - well that is 100% HIS sh-t to hold. No matter the marriage issue(s), going outside the marriage is totally the wayward's fault.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

I didn't say he wasn't willing. I said he wasn't UNwilling - he just wanted to know what we would get out of it. And so did I really - hence the question.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

Robsia said:


> I have said to my WH that we need to go to counselling. It's one of the conditions of me even considering a R.
> 
> He's not unwilling, but he asked me what we would get out of it. Honestly, I wasn't sure what to tell him as I don't know myself.
> 
> ...


My DH and I have been going to a MC since September. It is good to speak with someone who does not know either one of you I think. We have made great strides in our marriage since. I think it is important that even now we still continue to go when from the outside looking in one might say "why are you still going, your marriage is great".

I want to keep it great and find that going every other week (frequency has been cut down on counselor's recommendaiton) does help keep us close. 

IMO I find it to be a great comfort to us both. You should definitely go! Good Luck!


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

If I did that list we wouldn't be talking at all.

It reads like a 'divorce' version of The Rules.

I get some of it, not spying, not begging. But one of our problems is that we stopped having time for each other. So I suggested that in order to fix that, we could have a 'date night' where we made time just for each other.

That's in order to make a start on fixing the problems that created the A in the first place.

He just keeps asking me what does he need to do to make it right - I feel like I'm directing this whole thing. I feel like I'M the one doing all the work and all the research. I want HIM to figure some of it out on his own.

I did tell him this the other day, that he needs to do some stuff too, and he did say he'd done some reading. To be fair, we're both feeling our way here. 



> Fixing what was wrong in your marriage first takes understanding where the train started going off the rails. You both need to recognize your individual mistakes in the marriage...that's 50/50. The affair - well that is 100% HIS sh-t to hold. No matter the marriage issue(s), going outside the marriage is totally the wayward's fault.


I agree - I said the same to him. But I want to start fixing what was wrong ASAP.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

MC in theory should provide structure, safety, and accountability.

Structure: The therapist should have some kind of general plan or road map to follow. So he might have you do some homework, read a book, or discuss specific topics. This keeps you on track rather than maybe getting all balled up in a side issue. Hopefully the therapist uses some well proven methods and materials.

Safety: Sometimes you need a referee or a blocker so a really difficult or dangerous topic can be discussed. Sometimes you or your husband might not be willing to totally open up or maybe not even be willing to discuss a particular topic out of fear of the other person's response. The therapist's office should be a safe place to bring these things up. The therapist won't be on your side or on your husband's side, he/she should be on both of your sides.

Accountability: When there is a book to read or a homework assignment, having this person to be accountable to can be both a reminder to do the work and a lever to use if the other person is delaying.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Robsia said:


> I didn't say he wasn't willing. I said he wasn't UNwilling - he just wanted to know what we would get out of it. And so did I really - hence the question.


I know. And that is a really huge thing, that he didn't just say NO WAY.

What has he done to address what he did?


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

I posted our story in my thread here:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/69227-when-does-stop-hurting.html

Although I had to metaphorically beat the truth out of him, once outed he did apologise, profusely and I think genuinely. He cried a lot and in the initial "I want a divorce" stage I think he really realised just what it was he was losing.

Unfortunately, so did I.

Since then he's been willing to do whatever it takes, but he's expecting me to tell him what to do. He's not really initiating anything.

I haven't fully decided whether we will be able to R yet. I know I love him, but love isn't enough. He says he'll wait "as long as it takes" for me to decide.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Robsia said:


> If I did that list we wouldn't be talking at all.
> 
> It reads like a 'divorce' version of The Rules.


It does seem counterintuitive, doesn't it? but it WORKS. And there's no rule that says you have to ONLY do the 180. Do your date nights. Do your work with him. But also work on yourself. You also have to be willing to lose what you have if there's any hope of getting it back.

You are doing all the heavy lifting right now. Your husband has to step up to the plate. otherwise, why wouldn't he just do what he did again??

You can't fix it all on your own, and you can't fix it till both of you address your own stuff. Especially him.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

"You also have to be willing to lose what you have if there's any hope of getting it back."

Aye, there's the rub.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Robsia said:


> Aye, there's the rub.


Yep 

So far all he has done is SAY stuff. He has got to start DOING.

You say you drew up a big list of stuff he has to do. What stuff exactly, if you don't mid sharing? And did this list come with specifics of what will happen if he DOESN'T do these things?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Robsia said:


> "You also have to be willing to lose what you have if there's any hope of getting it back."
> 
> Aye, there's the rub.


Yeah but it is so true. If you are not willing to D, and especially if he knows it, you lose all ability to really enforce change or enforce boundaries. Because ultimately you will cave to whatever horrible unacceptable thing may happen.

Believe me, BTDT.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Robsia said:


> I didn't say he wasn't willing. I said he wasn't UNwilling - he just wanted to know what we would get out of it. And so did I really - hence the question.


I'll blame it on my advanced age and faltering eyes for missing the UN.

What will he get out of it? Hopefully more insight as to why he had an affair and how to have more open and honest communication with you.

To start fixing what was wrong ASAP...well, there isn't any fast way to do that. Just start talking openly. Insist that he does the same. Build from there.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Robsia said:


> I didn't say he wasn't willing. I said he wasn't UNwilling - he just wanted to know what we would get out of it. And so did I really - hence the question.


But did you get anything else out of my commentary? Or just my mistake?


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Okay - if you want to read the whole thing - lol. And these were my conditions for me to even consider a R. If he didn't agree (and he has) then it was a no go.

--------------------

My conditions

1.	Be prepared for me to be clingy, jealous and insecure. This is normal. Do not get annoyed. Be prepared for me to check up on you and ask you where you are and where you have been. This is also normal. Apparently it takes up to TWO years for the wronged party to get over the pain of an affair, and that’s assuming the cheating party has been totally blameless in those two years. You can’t say anything like “Are you not over this yet?” I don’t know when I will be over it.

2.	Tell me the truth. Always. I know when you’re lying. You need to be completely transparent.

3.	I want you to go to couples counselling with me again.

4.	You need to prove to me that you’re worth me considering you again. Remember how it was right at the beginning when we were both trying to impress each other? You need to impress me again. You have to win me back. I want to be dated. I want to be wooed. I want to be courted. I want to be impressed. You will need to work as hard, if not harder, to win me back than you did to win me in the first place. I would hope that you think I’m worth working for.

5.	I don’t want Mr Nasty. At all. You have to work harder on controlling him. I don’t want him back at all. If you find yourself getting angry or frustrated at something I’ve done, TELL me. Don’t expect me to know. Talk to me. If you feel the anger coming, recognise it. Take a deep breath. Count to ten. If nothing else works, tell me that you’re feeling angry and that you need to be alone and that you’re struggling to control it. Don’t let it win. Don’t let yourself say those nasty things. Don’t let it get to that stage.

6.	I want you to remember how much you used to love me, and find that again. Remember how we could never keep our hands off each other, and how excited we were just to be in each other’s presence. That’s gone, and I miss it hugely.

7.	I want you to appreciate me, and be proud that I am your wife, not embarrassed or ashamed by my foibles. I want you to understand that, while I may not YET have a diagnosis, the probability is that I DO have Asperger’s and you need to understand fully what that will mean to us. If I tell you I don’t understand why you are angry, I mean it. Your response should not be “Well, I shouldn’t have to tell you,” because clearly you do. You have to take a calming breath and tell me exactly, nicely, what it is I have done to offend/upset/irritate you.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

That's a really good start 

Just a note about how long - it can take 2-5 years, or even longer. We're 3 years out and I still have 'spaz attacks' as we call them now  I had one last week, he had to bring his laptop home from work for me to look through. And my hubby IS doing everything right and has been almost since day 1.

You don't have any consequences on there though.

A couple of other notes: read the Understanding link in my signature, and print it off for him to read. There's also a post somewhere here about how your original marriage has been murdered, which is very apt.

He should be willing to chop off his left arm and give it to you on a silver platter right now.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

> A couple of other notes: read the Understanding link in my signature, and print it off for him to read


Oh, I already looked at that, cried, and immediately emailed it to him. It's EXACTLY how I feel.

I already told him verbally the consequence would be that we would not be R-ing if he did not agree and comply to my conditions. (I sound like a Borg!)


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> But did you get anything else out of my commentary? Or just my mistake?


Sorry - yes, I did. I'm falling back into my old bad habit of bending over backward to fix things that we BOTH should be fixing. I need to take a step back and no appear so desperate to get him back.

It should be HIM bending over backwards for me.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Robsia said:


> It should be HIM bending over backwards for me.


So add to your list. He has to make an appt for IC to address why he cheated, and MC when you are ready. And pays for it. He gives you all his passwords, shows you his phone and computer, puts a GPS on his car, whatever you need to keep tabs on him. 

If you REALLY need to start fixing things NOW, maybe get some books and work on them with him. There's some linked at the end of my story. His reaction to that will let you know how 'into' MC he will be too.

Has he been STD tested and shown you the results?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Robsia said:


> Sorry - yes, I did. I'm falling back into my old bad habit of bending over backward to fix things that we BOTH should be fixing. I need to take a step back and no appear so desperate to get him back.
> 
> *It should be HIM bending over backwards for me*.


You're damn straight!


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> So add to your list. He has to make an appt for IC to address why he cheated, and MC when you are ready. And pays for it. He gives you all his passwords, shows you his phone and computer, puts a GPS on his car, whatever you need to keep tabs on him.
> 
> If you REALLY need to start fixing things NOW, maybe get some books and work on them with him. There's some linked at the end of my story. His reaction to that will let you know how 'into' MC he will be too.
> 
> Has he been STD tested and shown you the results?


Not yet. I've got an appointment to go tomorrow.

He said today it hadn't occurred to him at all to get tested! I said he was a moron and he needed to get himself tested.

Apparently they only did it once without protection (although more times with). She told me she was tested afterward and was clean so hopefully we'll be ok - but it's best to check.

I'll wait till we're alone together before I ask him about th passwords. I want him to have to show me then and there, not tell him in advance and give him chance to hide anything he hasn't already told me.

My parents are having my girls overnight on Friday so we can have some time together. I'll do that then.

I've never been good at playing hard to get. I'm a WYSIWYG kind of girl - not naturally manipulative, so it's hard to resist the urge to throw myself at him and beg him to love me. But I have to, otherwise I'll just be setting myself up for failure.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Robsia said:


> Not yet. I've got an appointment to go tomorrow.
> 
> He said today it hadn't occurred to him at all to get tested! I said he was a moron and he needed to get himself tested.
> 
> ...


Good stuff. You definitely don't want to give him a chance to delete anything!!

He also needs to write a NC letter to the OW and prove that he isn't in contact with her any more, and if she DOES contact him he needs to tell you. Right away.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

I don't have any worries about the OW. I made contact with her - I found her email, which is how I found out the truth, as he wasn't telling me.

She was beyond shocked to find out he was married. He had told her we were separated, pending a divorce! She was mortified and assured me she would never have had anything to do with him if she'd known we were together. She assured me she ended it with him before Christmas and she asked me to make sure all her details were destroyed so he can't contact her again.

She also said that if he did contact her, she would ignore him, much as she'd like to tell him what a **** he is.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

This may seem like a little thing, but as Hope1964 suggested, printing "Understanding the Pain" and giving it to your WS may be better than emailing it to him because it's easier for him to re-read and study it that way. If you see him reading it, and re-reading it, that in itself will be a small demonstration of some genuine remorse on his part.

Take care. I saw on your other thread that you went to get STD testing today and it was rough. The humiliation WE feel is so unfair since we've done nothing wrong.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The writing of the NC letter is symbolic - your WS should still do this, because that severs his connection with her in his mind.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Counseling is not to give you the simple answers. If it where then there would be no reason to go. 

Its about hearing someone tell you *"Yes Robsia you are too demanding"* and accepting it and trying to figure out how to fix that. 

And I think counseling is forever or close to it. It is something you go to religiously for X amount of months and then something you keep on maintenance every 2 or 3 months. 

Trust me it is worth the money to keep going every 2 or 3 months each year. 

This way if there is a rebound of some sort at least you will or might catch it during the visit. It might be a time where he might confess something because the counselor pulled it out of him. 

I can tell you that I feel that was part of my down fall to my marriage.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

I assume that comment about me was just as an example, and that you don't think I'm being too demanding


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Robsia said:


> I assume that comment about me was just as an example, and that you don't think I'm being too demanding


Yes, example only I am sure. If anything, you're not being demanding enough!


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

I'm just so scared and confused and terrified that there are things he still hasn't told me and that I am going to have to go for D if I find there is more.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

WILL you file for D if there's more?


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

I always thought I would if there was even one 

I think I'll have to. I'm still only considering R even with only one. If there were more I don't think I could ever forgive him.

But it'll kill me


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Robsia said:


> I didn't say he wasn't willing. I said he wasn't UNwilling - he just wanted to know what we would get out of it. And so did I really - hence the question.


Why isn't he falling all over himself to do whatever it takes to save this marriage? I'm suspicious of his "meh" attitude towards it, considering what you posted about a previous MC. 

Find an MC who is experienced in dealing with infidelity. Not one who will focus on pre-affair issues. One that will hold his feet to the fire. 

And if you don't like the MC, then fire him/her and get another until you find the right one.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You do know you can start the proceedings and stop them later if you want to?

But you don't need to decide anything right now. Take some time. Gauge his behaviour. 

Hell, ask him to take a polygraph. His reaction alone may tell you what you need to know.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Robsia said:


> I have said to my WH that we need to go to counselling. It's one of the conditions of me even considering a R.
> 
> He's not unwilling, but he asked me what we would get out of it. Honestly, I wasn't sure what to tell him as I don't know myself.
> 
> ...


 You get what you want out of it. I find that it is a safe place to work out some of our issues and we are learning tools to use out side of counseling to communicate better with each other.
You do have to be willing to take criticism and be willing to work on your own issues.
I feel that IC is best after an A. There is so much that swims around in one's mind after the discovery of A. It can get really confusing and IC is a great place to figure things out and deal with the pain with the guidance of a third party that is not emotionally involved in any way. It works great with MC too. I am able to find the courage to bring up matters in MC because I have figured out the issue in IC first through self awareness.

My H asked the same question and I had no answer other then, "We have to do something before I give up." We figured that out in the first session and it has helped form the whole process around our goals (often we come across other things to add to what we want out of it).
I think that there is nothing better then making sure you have done all you can. My personal goal/ what I wanted to get out of it, was to make sure that if I ended our marriage I could say I tried everything and walk away with one less regrets.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

In the beginning it's natural for the BS to feel like they are doing all the heavy lifting. Makes sense because if the WS was as engaged in preserving the marriage they probably wouldn't have been involved in adultery in the first place. 

He probably doesn't know where to start....he can't understand your version of pain because he's on the other side of the coin. It really is impossible for a WS to feel that unless they have been betrayed before. 

I've enjoyed our MC, even on the days when I didn't like what she had to say. I think my spouse gained the most out of the time, she really would point out how he was turning away from problems instead of toward them to find solutions. She also focused a lot on his insecurities and how they set the stage for that disconnection in our relationship. 

We have almost "graduated" from our sessions but it doesn't mean the work is done, we have to keep up the mindfulness that marriage like any relationship is work. Would be great if they could be automated but that's not life. 

I highly recommend marriage counseling but not while adultery is going on. You can't repair until that is finished and it sounds like your spouse has ended it completely?


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Well, I've just had an interesting hour. I was reading everything about transparency on here and I drew up a list of passwords I wanted him to give me, including the gmail account he didn't know I knew about, the dating site username and password, and his Find my iPhone password.

I went round to where he's staying and explained the concept of transparency. I had sent him shedloads of stuff from on here so i figured he would already have read about it.

But when I mentioned wanting the password to his dating site he totally balked. I had taken my ipad round and I told him that we were going to log onto it right here, right now so I could read his past messages and make sure he had told me everything.

He absolutely point blank refused. Said it wasn't relevant and that what was important was what we did from now on.

I tried to explain that it WAS relevant, and I needed to know he had been totally honest with me about what had gone on in the past or we couldn't even begin to rebuild the trust.

He just kept shaking his head and saying it wasn't right, and that this was way beyond transparency.

I said that, no, this was exactly what wasmeant by transparency and that if he had nothing to hide, and he had told me everything he wouldn't mind me seeing.

He said - get this - he said he didn't want to hurt me by my reading messages between him and other people. He said he had hurt me enough.

I said I was willing to accept the hurt, but I needed to know. Then I said that this was an ultimatum. it was a condition of me considering R. That it was this, or a D.

Then he started to get angry. He said I was threatening him, and that this was nothing but a power trip for me and that it was unfair to put him under pressure like this (diddums).

I stood up and walked to the door, saying that this was his last chance. Either he agreed to put in the details on the dating website or I was walking out and our marriage would be over forever.

He. Let. Me. Go.

My storm out was kind of ruined because i picked up his phone instead of my own and I had to go back and give it back to him.

He came out and leaned in the car window and said was this really what I wanted. I told him Id given him one chance and he'd blown it. Then I told him to mind his face cos I was driving away. He stood at the roadside and watched me go.

Right now I'm so angry I feel I hate him. He had been lying. There probably were others, but I'll never know, and it'll kill me not to know.

But I have to be strong. It's the right thing. I could never ever trust him again now. I gave him a massive chance to prove he was telling the truth, and he obviously wasn't. And the only reason he could give me was that "he didn't want to hurt me." I just have to stay strong now, and stay angry.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I'm so sorry. Stay strong.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am so, so sorry 

He will wake up one of these days and realize what he lost, and he will be miserable.

He will also try to come back to you and let you see it. After he deletes everything of course.

You are right. You need to stay strong.

Huge, huge hugs.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Oh he's already texting me asking me to please not do this, that he's sorry and he just didn't want to hurt me any more.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

My wife and I are currently in MC.. we go once a week.. our therapist is great... the first time we tried a counselor, it seems like we just went in circles.

This one has some very good techniques regarding communcation styles and how to understand what the other is feeling.

Our problems stem from the way we begin our communications, which always seem to escalate into arguments because we usually are to busy waiting for our turn to talk so we can 'defend' our position instead of actually listening to what your partner is saying and feeling.

It has done wonders for us.. we still back slide, but now we are able to catch ourselves before it spirals out of control.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Robsia said:


> Oh he's already texting me asking me to please not do this, that he's sorry and he just didn't want to hurt me any more.


You're not falling for it, right? 

What a POS he is!! I am REALLY mad at him right now. He cheated, lied, tried to rugsweep and gaslight you, and lost his marriage because of it. What a complete and utter turd!!!

You should go dark on him. Don't even deign to answer his scuzzy texts. Next thing he hears from you will be divorce papers.

 :cussing: issed: :FIREdevil: :soapbox: :rant:


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

I'm not falling for it, no.

I've just spent the last two hours writing a big 3000 word essay on "The worst week of my life". I don't know exactly what I'm going to do with it yet, but I wanted to write it all down while it was fresh.

I don't know if I'll be able to hang around here. I've been addicted to this place for the last week, reading about remorseful spouses and happy endings. But now I'm not going to have one, and it's too painful to stay.

Thank you for all your help


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

Robsia said:


> I'm not falling for it, no.
> 
> I've just spent the last two hours writing a big 3000 word essay on "The worst week of my life". I don't know exactly what I'm going to do with it yet, but I wanted to write it all down while it was fresh.
> 
> ...


I am so sorry for you. We all want that happy ending but it's not always in the cards. It may not seem like it now but by ending this now you will save yourself from years of pain. Unfortunately your husband was behaving like he was a single man. Now he can be. 

You will come out of this a much stronger person and go on to have a truly meaningful relationship with somebody who deserves you! Hang in there!


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

I am SO sorry. He acted like a complete jerk. If he was truly remorseful, he would have humbly handed over the password and let you see - YOU are the one to decide what you can and cannot handle, NOT him. As long as he thinks he can control what you know about his secret life, he is NOT interested in working on the marriage. HE is the one who opted out of the marriage, only he did it as a coward and a cheat. By filing for divorce you are just finishing what he started, and you are doing it in the proper, legal, above board way.

Again, I am SO sorry that you are going through this. Try to remember to take care of yourself - eat some decent meals and drink fluids, even if you don't feel like it; I know it's hard when you've been dealt such a blow, but try, OK?


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