# I need help! I so want out of my marriage...



## adviceforme_10 (Apr 29, 2012)

So I know this is long, but just some of the things I've gone through. I'd like to hear some advice as to what you think or would do???
I am 26 year old female, married to my husband for almost 7 years. We have a 6 year old son and 4 year old daughter. My husband and I dated for about a year during high school. I had broken up with him then found out I was pregnant. So, we started dating again and when I was 8 months pregnant we decided to get married. My father told me over and over again, "if you don't love each other, you don't have to get married, don't do it just becuase your pregnant." I should have listened to him, but at that point I thought we were in love and would have a perfect marriage. The night of our reception, he was drunk and told me he had just made the biggest mistake of his life! He literally ran away and I went looking for him and brought him back home. Since that point, I too knew it was a mistake, but it was a little too late. 
For our first few years of marriage, he had a drinking problem. I was always afraid of him, he was an angry person and would belittle me in front of anyone. It got to the point where we weren't going to any family gatherings because I was afraid and embarrassed of what would happen. I finally made it clear to him that his drinking HAD to stop or he would lose me. It took him some time, but fixed that problem. He would drink one or two but new how to control himself.
He still was a very angry person though. He gets mad for anything and everything. Demands everything from me rather than ask and that drives me crazy! He still belittles me and is verbally abusive.
Two years into our marriage I asked him to go to counseling with me...he went to the first session and when done he said he would never go back. He claimed "if a person really wants to change they will change on their own." So I asked him to prove it to me, and we never did go back to counseling.
Just a year ago, we had another incident at a family get together where he was verbally abusive to me in front of my family. My family did not allow me to leave with him. So after that night, I moved in with my sister for two months. I told him I wanted a divorce but he was so hurt and couldn't believe how I would just through my marriage away like that. During that time he would call me crying, apologizing and begging me to return. I let him know the only way I would go back was if he got himself help. After two months I ended up giving in and moved back. He showed me in some ways that he had changed and once again, I thought it would last that way. He was reading some self help books and did the "Love Dare" for the 40 days. I believed he would continue to be good. When I went back it was hard for me to even kiss him and even more, have sex with him. 
I have fallen out of love with him. IS that possible? I love him and care about him because he is the father of my kids, but I am just not in love with him anymore. 
He has worked nights for the last few years and I seriously think that is the reason we have made it this far along. Since we don't see each other often and don't spend much time together. I just recently started college so I work full time, go to college and come home to my kids and homework. I have put my housework aside and that has started another hUGE issue with my husband. He is actually great with housechores. I honestly don't care though and i feel like I'm doing it as revenge, which I know is not good. We have spent the last few weeks again, just arguing. I am just done! and I know he is not happy with me anymore but he doesn't want a divorce. The other day we were arguing and he finally said he wanted a divorce, I honestly was so happy cause HE had finally said it! Because of our schedules, I didn't see him/or talk to him until two days later. At that point, he was apologizing for what he had said and swore he didn't mean it when he said he wanted a divorce. So here I am stuck again. I want out though. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. My kids are old enough to where they hear what is going on and know too. I don't want them growing up seeing thier parents argue and "hate" each other. 
So, I guess I KNOW I want out just don't know how to do it since he doesn't.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> I KNOW I want out just don't know how to do it


 You do it one step at a time.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/44692-taking-first-step-leaving.html

Go to the link above (a different thread on this site) and look at post #8. (They're numbered in the RED BAND ABOVE each response a person posts...on the right-hand side.)

Take a look there! I KNOW you will get other great advice on THIS thread, and poke around some other threads. There are lots of other people in your shoes.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I am a true believer that running away from marriage is the the very last step. Marriage counseling first. You said you thought you were marrying for a perfect marriage. No marriage is perfect.

You say you love him but you are not in love with him. For the sake of the kids try to save it before you disassemble it. Society today encourages divorce way too much. 

I wish you well.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I totally disagree with 'This is Me's' advice. It smacks too much of 'you made your bed, now lie in it.'

You were 19yo when you got married and your husband couldn't have been much older. A person's brain is not fully developed until mid-20s, much less their maturity.

Your father could see you were only getting married BECAUSE you were pregnant. You thought you were 'in love' at 19...who doesn't?

Your fiance told you ON YOUR WEDDING DAY that he had "just made the biggest mistake of (his) life"!!! Then he RAN AWAY (like a child...which he was.)

You had ALREADY broken up with him BEFORE you discovered you were pregnant. Things were already not working out. You got back together ONLY because of your pregnancy.

You have already broken up DURING your marriage. You barely see each other because of opposite work schedules. You say he is verbally abusive (he's probably scared, frustrated and depressed). You are working full-time, going to school, and being a mother. You are over-extended, stressed-out and depressed.

You both KNOW this marriage was a mistake from the beginning. You made the same mistake a LOT of people make...compounding one problem (pregnancy) with another (marrying because of said pregnancy). Just because you like/enjoy someone enough to have sex with them, doesn't mean you LOVE them enough to make it in the long-haul.

The sooner you two divorce (hopefully, amicably), the sooner you can BOTH get your lives back on the right track. Your children will see happier, more mature parents working for a better future for themselves and the children. YOU may have to let college go for a semester or two while you get yourselves situated. Only YOU know how much stress you can handle. 

Good luck, and keep coming back and poking through the threads for relevant advice.


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