# I Don't want a divorce, but I can't keep living like this



## Bridalfo (Mar 14, 2014)

I am looking for any advice I can get. My wife has basically shut me out and started stone walling me. About six months ago she came to me and said that she was not happy. We have had a number of difficult things happen to us in our six year marriage, we were unable to get pregnant for a long time and eventually ended up having twin girls through in vetro. My job has us about 6 hours away from any family to help us out and we recently went through a very difficult real estate deal that ended up with us selling our home and the deal for our new house falling through at the last minute putting us in a rental. Anyway to make a long story short she told me that because of all those things she felt like all the romance had ended. I told her that I wanted to make things better and that I would do whatever needed to be done to save our marriage and our family. I have tried everything that I know how to do. I have tried showing more physical affection, writing her little notes, bringing home flowers, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, setting up babysitters so we can go on dates. You name it I have tried it and the result is always the same, it is completely ignored. We were going to counseling and all she could do was complain about how horrible our marriage was and how it was supposed to be a fairy tail and it hasn't been a fairy tail. Keep in mind I have never once abused her physically or emotionally, I don't drink or use drugs, I have never been unfaithful, I am a good involved parent and I work hard at a steady job to support my family. After a couple months the councillor basically told us that we were wasting our money because she would not commit to moving forward and all she wanted to do was find faults in everything that I do. She now will hardly interact with me. She spends almost all evening texting non stop and gets angry if I ask who she is talking to. She spends almost all day with one of her friends who is one of the most negative and distructive influences I have ever met. It is almost impossible for me to talk to her about anything because if I tell her my concerns and how I am being hurt she flies off the handle and turns it into a huge fight. I love my 2 year old daughters more than anything and truly believe that they need to grow up with both their mom and dad. I am currently going to counseling by my self to try and keep me going. I would appreciate any input or advice that could be given. Thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am very sorry but there is an extremely good chance she is cheating on you. Start investigating - keylogger, recover texts, everything. Do not confront her though until you have done a thorough investigation and have all your evidence lined up so that she cannot gaslight you. These two threads will help you out here

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ted-evidence-gathering-thread.html#post886718

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739

And there are sadly tons of posts in Coping with Infidelity that will also help you out. There's many that started out just like yours.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

3 words..... Get that phone. 

All the answers are on it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She's got another man or men. Sorry bro.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Rather than chasing her and trying to win her back and fix things start gearing up for battle.


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## Tomson (Mar 10, 2014)

I am so sorry for your situation. No one should have to beg to be wanted or love when they have done nothing wrong. I honestly have no idea if your wife is cheating on you or not. Who can honestly say what is going on in someone's head. I think you have to step back and look at your marriage in the most objective way you can. What if your marriage was perfect, but your best friend came to you and confided that his marriage was exactly like yours is now? What advice would you offer him? Would you tell him to just stay in a relationship where his needs go unmet and he is living with a hostile or, at best, indifferent spouse. That is not what marriage is supposed to be. It's supposed to be a mutually loving relationship. All relationships have ups and downs, but this has exceeded the limit of what would be endurable for me. There is no amount of energy that will make someone love you who is not willing to equally invest energy into the relationship. I think you should go see a therapist by yourself to work on why you are willing to tolerate this level of treatment. I know that you want to do everything you can before you give up on a marriage, but honestly, I think you already have. Find out about the divorce laws in your state. Do not announce or threaten anything. Just do this so you are acting in an informed way. Divorce is not for punishing anyone it is for dividing marital property and legally ending a relationship. I don't know if an affair would make any difference in a no-fault state, but that is why you need your own advice from an expert, like an attorney. I think the thing you might want to do is start with the "end" in mind. For me, that would mean being emotionally recovered from this relationship and being emotionally available to a healthier relationship with a woman who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with her. I know this probably sounds like the last thing you want now, but go back to what you would want for your best friend. Your wife has "emotionally abandoned" the relationship. You can Google the "SWIRL" model of recovery from emotional abandonment to learn more about how to deal with the pain you are experiencing. In the end, you have to do what is right for you. I know that when I post on an advice board, it's because I don't trust my own thinking and want some outside advice and I am guessing that is why you posted as well. I hope some of this has been helpful. I wish I had a magic wand for you, but wishing just won't make it happen. Be compassionate with yourself and try to act in a way that moves you forward without constantly asking to be wanted.


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## Bridalfo (Mar 14, 2014)

Thank you so much Tomson, that was a great reply and a lot to think about. The answer to the question of why I would continue to stay in this type of relationship is my daughters. The thought of not being in their lives every single day brings tears to my eyes. If it wasn't for them I would be done. Maybe I am hoping for a miracle that is never going to happen but I can't bear the thought of losing them. It destroys me to think of only seeing them a couple days a week at the most and it kills me to think of another man being brought into their lives. I am miserable now but I would be destroyed if I lost them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

Bridalfo said:


> Thank you so much Tomson, that was a great reply and a lot to think about. The answer to the question of why I would continue to stay in this type of relationship is my daughters. The thought of not being in their lives every single day brings tears to my eyes. If it wasn't for them I would be done. Maybe I am hoping for a miracle that is never going to happen but I can't bear the thought of losing them. It destroys me to think of only seeing them a couple days a week at the most and it kills me to think of another man being brought into their lives. I am miserable now but I would be destroyed if I lost them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


welcome to my world. I barely get to see my daughter, and desperately need my son. All the while, she is off at the pub every night she can be, dumping them at her sisters or mums, most likely letting tattooed retards dump their load in her, before she drags herself home to to play at being "the best mum ever"

All the while, I have lost my world, my identity, my kids, my home, everything. And I have to live with the knowledge that she will move some motherfcker into the home, and that that POS will see MY kids more than me. I don't know what I will do when that happens. She is a cruel, cold, remorseless cnut, who I am certain now was cheating on me.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Bridalfo said:


> Thank you so much Tomson, that was a great reply and a lot to think about. The answer to the question of why I would continue to stay in this type of relationship is my daughters. The thought of not being in their lives every single day brings tears to my eyes. If it wasn't for them I would be done. Maybe I am hoping for a miracle that is never going to happen but I can't bear the thought of losing them. It destroys me to think of only seeing them a couple days a week at the most and it kills me to think of another man being brought into their lives. I am miserable now but I would be destroyed if I lost them.


Well you can hope in one hand and poop in the other...which one fills up first?

The couselor was spot on about your wife. If she is not willing to make any kind of changes, you are fighting a losing battle. My suggestion is to go ahead and prepare for divorce. 

It sucks to go from seeing your kids every day to only half the time (less for some). Been there, done that. At this point, you need to be willing to fight with all your might to stay in their lives. There are some Dad friendly forums out there that have a lot of information available if you are willing to put forth the effort. Kids need BOTH of their parents in their lives to be able to thrive. Don't allow yourself to get screwed.

Read The List. THE LIST (Print It) - Divorce Forum and Child Custody Forum


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