# Would you leave over this?



## Footballfanz (Nov 24, 2015)

My husband of 6 months has been unstable. He threatened to kill himself recently but then told me the next day it was indeed manipulation since he "loves himself" too much and it would make me "too happy" since he would just disappear 

This situation freaked me out among other things so I went to the bank the next day ..took out my portion of the money and drove out of town to work. He immediately began freaking out and begging me to stay. 

But less than 30 min later our neighbor (my good friend) called me and said that he came to her house (he barely knows her) and told her that I took money out of HIS account and that he told her that I left him and that I was probably going back to my ex. He went on and on about how he thought I was acting suspicious and told her he went through my phone! 

I was so mad. I called him and said wtf. He said I left him in disarray and he was going to tell whoever would listen how awful I was. 

After hours of arguing and begging ... He drove to me. I was at a work meeting at a restaurant. He came in and invites himself. He wanted to accuse me of cheating. Instead he saw it was just work. But in front of my boss...he leaned in and showed me his phone and said "watch this" and showed me (in front of boss) how he was deleting his relationship status of me on Facebook. That brought tears to my eyes and me running to the bathroom. It was awful. 

So we fought for the next day and eventually made up. But today he went nuts again and said he can't deal with my work schedule (working long hours 2 days a week) and that while we can't afford for me to quit...he can't deal with me anymore on this schedule. I cried and said okay... 

Then, I left for work and he called and said he loves me and will "try" to deal with my schedule. I met him up at the coffee shop after I took a break from work and he told me there that he was sick of my bad attitude. He felt I wanted to end it. I told him I just want him to respect that I need to work sometimes and it has no bearing on our relationship. He insists on traveling with me for any work trips. Insists that I won't because I want to appear single. 

He said he would "do his best" and I didn't like his attitude. So I told him that. He snapped and said he can't live like this. I said okay. Then, he demanded I write him a check for A quarter of the money I took. I said no. I didn't think I owed him anything! I started walking to my car. He started to block me in the parking lot with his body and then told me he was going to go to my car and get my paycheck and caSh it! I couldn't believe how he was acting. 

So I ran to the car and the tried to take off. He wouldn't let me close the door. He asked to get in the car and I was crying so I allowed it. He demanded money again. I said no and I immediately decided to just appease him. I told him that I was just mad and we could work this out (to get him out of my car peacefully) 

It worked. But now I'm wondering ...should i stick to my guns and break up or should I follow my heart and see if we can reconcile. 

The problem is I realize his behavior was extreme. Is this abusive???


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Footballfanz said:


> But now I'm wondering ...should i stick to my guns and break up or should I follow my heart and see if we can reconcile?


Stick to your guns and leave. Your husband is mentally unstable. And there is a lot of drama on both sides.



Footballfanz said:


> The problem is I realize his behavior was extreme. Is this abusive???


Yes, it is abusive. But even more than abusive, he sounds mentally deranged. Running and blabbing to the near-stranger neighbor? Accusing you of cheating? Embarrassing you in front of your boss? Physically blocking you in the parking lot?

He needs to be on medication (or in a psych ward), and you need to be far, far away from him.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Yes; along with bat sh!t crazy.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Youre husband isnt a keeper.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

Did anything happen to precipitate this behavior? An affair or something else? Did he find texts from your ex or anything?


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## Footballfanz (Nov 24, 2015)

He is calmer today because I came home last night and I tend to think he believes he will get the money back. I told him I'd give it to him when it actually enters my account. (The check was still pending). He didn't believe me but I showed it is true. But, it was a way for me to stall until this morning when he goes to work and get some of my belongings and take off. 

The other problem is his family is supposed to be at our house for thanksgiving. I feel guilty leaving now...I am wondering if I just fake it through the holiday? I don't know ....

Yes he is after the money and part of me wonders if that's all he cares about. It's bizarre. He makes good money and he's threatening me with a lawyer over 5k? 

And I can't even have peace in my work. He is always trying to determine who I am talking on the phone with and why. He insinuates that they aren't real work contacts and I'm bluffing. 

What do I do? I have a daughter too. I will have to pick her up from school and tAke her with me ...if I leave the house for good. She was with her dad yesterday when all this drama happened thank God.


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## Footballfanz (Nov 24, 2015)

To answer your question...he and my ex hate each other. About a year ago he threatened my ex because he was calling and yelling at me over something. So he threatened violence. That turned the whole situation ugly. So anytime I'm even cordial or nice to my ex he takes it as a threat. But we have a child together. And my ex and I get along fine, except he thinks that my husband is insane.


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## Footballfanz (Nov 24, 2015)

But how do I even face our neighbors again? The neighbor is MY friend and she knew I was thinking of leaving, so she immediately called me and told me everything. 

But he had NO idea that we were such good friends. So he also told his 20 year old daughter all of this... They both walked into the neighbor house and trashed me! 

He said that he thought I was gone for good and he will tell anyone he wants how awful I am...


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

You should tell your back story, then you can get better advice. I think you should leave, but I'm curious how long this has been going on.


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## Footballfanz (Nov 24, 2015)

The back story is he is very jealous and insecure. If I'm out of his sight, he thinks I'm cheating. 

I haven't cheated on him. About 6 months into our relationship...we broke up for a day or two and I went to lunch with a guy. He called that cheating because he said that he was destroyed and I was flirting. Not true. 

And he discovered that I had hired my ex to do a work project (same industry) for my company. We never even saw each other. But he forbids me from doing anything that's beneficial to my daughter's dad. 

So, he is angry any time I am even remotely nice to him. 

But most of our fights are due to me leaving for the day for work or my daughter. 

He says he wants me with him and by his side all the time. He has his own business so he only works a few hours a day. He says he loves me so much..he doesn't want to share me.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Did you not see signs of his mental instability while you were dating?

I think it would be hard to hide that level of near-crazy. How long did you date before you married him?


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## Footballfanz (Nov 24, 2015)

I did... I must admit. But he explained his actions by saying it was due to missing me so much. He would beg and plead for me to call in sick to work ...and even cry... 

But, the strange thing is he needs my money. I finally just said one day...okay. I'll quit! He said no. That we can't afford that. So I said...what choice do I have then?? You say we need the money but you don't want me working away from you??? 

I'm over a barrel


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Footballfanz said:


> I'm over a barrel.


Hardly. 

Just leave; problem solved.


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## Footballfanz (Nov 24, 2015)

Like today???? With his whole family coming for thanksgiving??? 

I will have to grab my daughter when she gets out of school and disappear...

Or should I wait until after the holiday?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Footballfanz said:


> The back story is he is very jealous and insecure. If I'm out of his sight, he thinks I'm cheating.
> 
> I haven't cheated on him. About 6 months into our relationship...we broke up for a day or two and I went to lunch with a guy. He called that cheating because he said that he was destroyed and I was flirting. Not true.
> 
> ...


Nope Nope Nope, time to go and be careful.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Footballfanz said:


> To answer your question...he and my ex hate each other. About a year ago he threatened my ex because he was calling and yelling at me over something. So he threatened violence. That turned the whole situation ugly. So anytime I'm even cordial or nice to my ex he takes it as a threat. But we have a child together. And my ex and I get along fine, except he thinks that my husband is insane.


I agree w/ your ex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Footballfanz (Nov 24, 2015)

Would you say I should leave ASAP or get through thanksgiving w his family and then leave???


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

Leave now. Don't go back to him no matter how much he cries, begs, attempts to manipulate, etc. This is not healthy for your daughter. 

Don't worry about his family for the holiday. Your sanity and your daughter's is most important. Your husband is a controlling. He doesn't like you going to work, eventually it's going to be he doesn't want you to see your family or friends and you'll be isolated. 

Get out and never go back - no matter what.


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## Footballfanz (Nov 24, 2015)

It's easy to say that but why do I feel as if I'm cutting off my right arm doing this. I see him beg and I picture him destroyed and I feel so sad and helpless to myself 

How do I get the strength to do this? 

I guess after he told the next door neighbor all this...I should have enough anger, right?


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## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

If you are done with him (as you should be), then spending the holiday with his family is not important. They will all soon be part of your past anyway. With all the drama your H is causing already I'd be afraid that the holiday could turn out very ugly for you. He's already gotten his daughter involved in bashing you, I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to get the rest of the family involved. Take care of you & your daughter. Leave today. Let his family deal with him. If there is one family member you trust you can tell them he needs mental health treatment & you hope they will help him get the help he needs but you have to look out for your child & cannot help him. Other than that go no contact with the entire family. That's the most you should consider doing with his family. I had to do that after 18 years of marriage & it was really hard to cut them all off after so many years but it saved us all from a lot of drama.


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## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

Footballfanz said:


> It's easy to say that but why do I feel as if I'm cutting off my right arm doing this. I see him beg and I picture him destroyed and I feel so sad and helpless to myself
> 
> How do I get the strength to do this?
> 
> I guess after he told the next door neighbor all this...I should have enough anger, right?


Picture yourself destroyed instead of him. That's what will happen if you stay.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

Footballfanz said:


> It's easy to say that but why do I feel as if I'm cutting off my right arm doing this. I see him beg and I picture him destroyed and I feel so sad and helpless to myself
> 
> How do I get the strength to do this?
> 
> I guess after he told the next door neighbor all this...I should have enough anger, right?



It's called manipulation. That is exactly what he is doing. You feel this way because he's your husband and you thought things would be great. They aren't. You're learning who your husband really is. If anything, you and your daughter will be the ones destroyed if you stay. He knows exactly what he is doing.


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## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

Footballfanz said:


> It's easy to say that but why do I feel as if I'm cutting off my right arm doing this. I see him beg and I picture him destroyed and I feel so sad and helpless to myself
> 
> How do I get the strength to do this?
> 
> I guess after he told the next door neighbor all this...I should have enough anger, right?


 You feel bad because you care about him. But you need to realize that you are not inflicting this pain upon him, he is. He needs to hurt enough to get help or he never will. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is to allow them to feel the full consequences of their actions.


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## Spitfire (Jun 6, 2015)

Get out now and get a restraining order. This deranged creep isn't going to stay away.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I have been in your shoes. NO, it's not easy. But YES, you need to go......TODAY. File a restraining order TODAY. DO NOT give in to ANY of his requests. Not a single one. Put your daughter's well being, and logic, in front of your emotions just for today. Stuff those emotions DOWN just for today. Wake up tomorrow in a new, safe place and allow the emotions. Feel all you need to but DO NOT contact him and DO NOT allow any contact from him. Go complete NO CONTACT until your emotions are under control and you can use your brain clearly. Then go from there. If I can do it, anyone can. And YOU CAN DO THIS. And you need to. If not for you, for your baby girl. Do it for her.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> Just leave; problem solved.


Is the kid your husband's or your ex's? If its your husband's kid, you can't just remove the kid from the home unless you have a court order. If its your ex's, I would agree with the other posters that its time to go...this is extremely unstable.

Why on earth did you remove half the money from the bank account and take off and then let him come to where you were?

You guys have only been married for 6 months and you're at this stage? 

By the way, your husband deleting your relationship status on FB in front of your boss is so juvenile-cheerleader high-school, its ridiculous. Is he a 15 year old girl? I would have laughed at that...not cried...if it wasn't for the fact that he compromised your job and professionalism in doing it. You have a marriage license, who the hell cares about some social media crap?

Not to be harsh but you have a child and someone has to be acting like a rational adult. And on thanksgiving, the chances are pretty high, given his mentality and the fragility of your very new marriage, that there's going to be a bunch of drama of some kind. Do you want to expose your family and child to that?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Footballfanz said:


> I was at a work meeting at a restaurant. He came in and invites himself. He wanted to accuse me of cheating. Instead he saw it was just work. But in front of my boss...he leaned in and showed me his phone and said "watch this" and showed me (in front of boss) how he was deleting his relationship status of me on Facebook. That brought tears to my eyes and me running to the bathroom. It was awful.


Listen, there are a sh*tton of problems with your H, but this ^ is out of control and unacceptable. He has become a liability to you. He's coming between you and your JOB. I would've shrunk in my seat from complete embarrassment that he did this IN FRONT OF MY BOSS.

Leave. NOW. Today. Right this minute. Yes, before the holidays. Who gives a fvck that his family is coming? Let them deal with him. This man is a special kind of crazy. He's a flaming narcissist, too. 

Don't tell him what you're going to do. Just leave his crazy azz in the dust.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Please be honest - are you the same poster who has posted on this forum under about 30 different usernames?


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## Footballfanz (Nov 24, 2015)

I apologized to my boss, but she said she didn't notice anything. I think it was my reaction that sunk me. I just feel so sad and embarrassed. 

And part of me is so destroyed because this is my husband who I have given my life too. Starting over is just so painful even though I need to do it. 

And no, I don't know what you are reading to but I've never posted here before.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Do not....I repeat DO NOT get pregnant....Move out, file for divorce, tell the local police he has suicidal ideation and you want a restraining order....Then lay low...It would be wise if you could move in with friends or family....Tell him that If he intrudes on you again in a work situation, you will have him arrested...


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

I agree with those that say get out. Do so legally if the child is his as well. This will not end well if you stay.

If you have a smart phone with a voice recorder have it cued up at all times. Any interaction with him should be recorded to protect you from altering of the story. If no smart phone then a voice activated recorder would be a good alternative. (Check the legalities of this where you live)

~ Passio


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Why is this whole thread eeerily reminiscent of Weirdo's threads?

:scratchhead:

Perhaps EleGirl can sort it out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Please be honest - are you the same poster who has posted on this forum under about 30 different usernames?


What sort of Weirdo would do that?

OP just leave him do not wait for Thanksgiving do not pass go, he is crazy and you can't fix crazy.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I apologize if the OP is not the renowned weirdo. It's just a little hard to grasp that weirdo's husband has a twin.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> I apologize if the OP is not the renowned weirdo. It's just a little hard to grasp that weirdo's husband has a twin.


Welllllll.... you know Blondi... there IS such a thing as TWINS SEPARATED AT BIRTH...

:rofl: :lol: 

(However, what are the chances of BOTH of them ending up here on TAM with nearly identical circumstances???)


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## Footballfanz (Nov 24, 2015)

Weirdo? I'm sorry, but I don't think I am weird. I do believe that I have a tough family situation, but please don't call me weird. 

I am working to fix this situation.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Footballfanz said:


> Weirdo? I'm sorry, but I don't think I am weird. I do believe that I have a tough family situation, but please don't call me weird.
> 
> I am working to fix this situation.


Footballfanz... we're all in your corner.

Forgive us if your thread is similar to seven (or thirty-seven) threads that came before yours.

My sincerest apologies. I wish you the very best and hope you find the answers you are seeking.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

*RUN!!*


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, career woman here, 57 years old, and 35 years married (first time for the both of us). Yes, I would leave if I were you. First, your husband is only concern about money. He is not concerned about your feelings nor your career.

Stop going back and forth. Stand on your own feet. Your husband embarrasses you in front of your boss, your neighbor, and tells everyone about your private matters, including his daughter. This marriage is already over.

You need to pack up your belongings and see an attorney. The longer you stay in this marriage, the more damage he can inflict on you. Sorry you are here.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

This is manipulation, control, and abuse. It will only get worse the longer you stay, the longer you shield him from the legal ramifications that would normally accompany such behavior. Normally threatening suicide would get a 72 hour psych hold, the work meeting and the not letting you close the car door a restraining order at least. It is likely to come in escalating cycles, he's going to be awful, and then apologize and draw you back in crying and pleading, then awful again, ad infinitum. Get out now, don't wait. Likely, it will turn physical as soon as he realizes that you are contemplating leaving him. Or he will do something drastic to keep you tied to him, it doesn't have to be rational. Another poster told you to stay with friends or family. smart. You will want to be somewhere like that where he can't get to you, or alternately somewhere he can't possibly find you, no contact. Tell only a few where you are and warn them not to pass on the info. Warn your daughters school/day care if he is on lists to be able to pick her up. Warn your ex. Tell security at work and be careful in the parking lot. Get some mace or something, just in case. Some of that may be worst case scenario, but i'd rather have it and not need it than the reverse.

The other posters are not calling you a weirdo, there is a person that makes multiple accounts and posts wild false stories to gain sympathy. He is called "weirdo" instead of his user name, because he has many. Your story is similar to his standard post.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Ugh I would run run run and never look back, what a maniac.


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## Footballfanz (Nov 24, 2015)

He may be a maniac, but I suppose I have my fault in this, too. I am a weak minded, co-dependent piece of you know what these days.... 

I need to have faith and strength in myself. I get out the door...ready to leave forever and then break down...when I realize there's nothing but crickets behind the chaos. He is my life....and my dramatic entertainment...I know really nothing and no one...aside from him. I need to find a sense of healing..somewhere. I'm just not sure where... 

My child is a good start...who told me tonight that living with me more than half time would be awesome...if it was just me... 

I need to focus on that...and the contribution that I can give to his life...


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

What is both of your's past history in relationships? Why did both marriages end? How significant amount of money did you take and what did you do with it? 

Did you take the money to provoke this reaction from him?


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## Footballfanz (Nov 24, 2015)

He has been married before but he said they were opposites and she likes her alone time and he wanted time together. Then after several years they grew apart. 

I took the money I had set aside for repayment of a loan. I did it because I truly wanted my money because in the past he tried to keep me from getting access to my own money.

Before we were married I was just starting a new job and had no check yet. We had a fight and he threatened to end it. He offered me a mere 600 dollars w month to survive on my own. 

This was despite the fact that I had changed jobs to be closer to him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

happy as a clam said:


> Why is this whole thread eeerily reminiscent of Weirdo's threads?
> 
> :scratchhead:
> 
> Perhaps EleGirl can sort it out.


Because the OP is Weirdo.

I've told her to PM me an stick to one name. With over 35 accounts, she clearly has no intent of doing that .. creates a new account for each question.

Weirdo, since you refuse to PM me and actually talk about this I'm locking this thread and your other one.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Footballfanz said:


> Weirdo? I'm sorry, but I don't think I am weird. I do believe that I have a tough family situation, but please don't call me weird.
> 
> I am working to fix this situation.


LOL.. that's cute.. do not call you 'weird'. 

You named yourself Weirdo567 on one of your many accounts.

If your story is real, you do have a tough situation. But you choose it and you stay.

People keep telling you to leave but you stay. 

You keep saying that you are leaving, but you stay.

So it guess you like drama and crazy.. that is weird.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Footballfanz said:


> My husband of 6 months has been unstable. He threatened to kill himself recently but then told me the next day it was indeed manipulation since he "loves himself" too much and it would make me "too happy" since he would just disappear
> 
> This situation freaked me out among other things so I went to the bank the next day ..took out my portion of the money and drove out of town to work. He immediately began freaking out and begging me to stay.
> 
> ...


You can never fix this. Get a plan together and get away from this. You will never have a future with whatever this psycho is. Very painful to read and highly embarrassing. WTH!!!!!!


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Your husband is clearly unnerved about something - why is he so unstable.

You did loot half of the families money without warning - that's a major nasty.
And at a time of stress.

Your husband went to your neighbor... who do you think he should have gone to?

If you don't care about the money - its only 5k - (which represent how many tax paid hours of life??) - if the monies not important - write him the cheque now, give it all back. Or is it about the money to you?

The work thing is terrible - but if there's no talking space, and he thinks you're having an affair, and running off with case... expect confrontation, and if there's no safe place, expect it in unsafe place!!
the facebook thing - that's because YOU WEREN'T LISTENING , so he has to get to someone who you actually appear to listen to. Since his situation clearly has no influence in your life, he much seek out someone who is actually of some value to you to communicate the feels that you are ignoring . For a husband his primary emotional support and emotional go-to-person is his wife, if you aren't doing your part in the relationship who is looking after his emotional otherhalf, where is he suppose to take things when things hit overload?? If you won't do it, he has to find someone in your circle to demostrate that with, because you haven't left him any other option, being in a relationship, you have given him nowhere else to go.

The insecurity over the two long days is a big problem. He needs to get himself in counselling, to get an objective third party to help him work through that. Clearly you are unable and unwilling to deal with his emotional needs, and clearly there is something that has made this a hot button.

And of course he's angry when you're nice to him - he's angry ALL THE TIME, he can't just switch that off. And soon as you actually spend time with him, as soon as he relaxes, then all he's got is that emotional anger. And as his partner if you're not going to help him deal with it, what do you think is going to happen with that anger and resentment. You expect its going to vanish? You think the trust should reappear? that the hot button should just un-hot-button? that the "you weren't there" suddenly doesn't exist anymore because you feel like a moment of "being nice"? Did you _want_ honest feelings and emotions and communication in your relationship...because at the moment "honest" is a _lot_ of anger and resentment. And if you aren't a expert psychologist/psychiatrist, and I doubt you are, then he's going to need a third party to rationalise it - and that is only going to be successful if you are honest about yourself and your part in the relationship, which from what I'm reading you are not doing. From what I read you're very much surfacing and using others.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Since she flat-out lied about not being Weirdo we can assume she lies to her fiance/husband.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"He is my life....and my dramatic entertainment.."

I beg to differ with you. TAM is your dramatic entertainment. You seem to suffer from toxic disinhibition. The anonymity of the internet allows you to do things that you might not do in real life. Like disrespecting a forum's rules of service. Every time you get banned, you're right back with a new name and disavowing your previous ones. 

How about seeing a therapist for your penchant for lying and drama. It's doubtful that you even have a child or husband/fiance.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

spotthedeaddog said:


> Your husband is clearly unnerved about something - why is he so unstable.
> 
> You did loot half of the families money without warning - that's a major nasty.
> And at a time of stress.
> ...


We do not know if the OP’s story is real. But she has been posting her for years under many account names. She changes up facts a bit in an attempt to hide her identity. It’s not working. She’s very recognizable. There is a basic consistency that runs through all of her posts.

If you have not been following her story for years, then I can understand how you might have made the huge leaps and assumptions you did. But you missed the mark.

Her fiancé (not her husband) is an abusive control freak.

He takes her income and puts it in an account in his name only and is using it to pay off his debt and buy things like cars for his daughter. She brings in about 10K a month. He earns about 4 times that.

Her income is from a business. She has state and federal taxes to pay on the business income. He refuses to allow her to pay her tax obligations. Since they are not married, she is the only one responsible for the taxes. He can take her money and blow it. And the IRS will not go after him. They will go after her.

He is also a control freak who does not want her out of his sight. He has been working to ruin the relationships she has with both female and male clients.

Basically your post is so far off from the reality of the situation that I felt I had to comment.. so that the OP does not think that it applies to her situation. 

She needs to take her money (the little bit that she can get her hands on) her belongings and her son and get away from this dangerous, controlling man.


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