# Next move and letting go....



## Roamingmark (Sep 9, 2017)

Right,

I have been reading a lot on these forums reference how to deal with the fact my wife wants a divorce after 5 years of marriage and doesn't respond to anything I have suggested.

I suffered with depression and a binge eating disorder on and off for 3 years, during this time we had a beautiful baby girl and everything was fine up until my wife decided she wanted to return to the UK (We currently live in Australia).
Her only reason for returning which is a noble one was due to the fact she wanted our daughter to grow up around her own family in Wales but has actually told people she doesn't want to live there.

I told her that that reason alone was not enough to up sticks from one of the best countries in the world with regarding lifestyle, weather etc for a place that would completely change the way we lived but she has her heart set on it.

During this period I supported her through a midwifery degree which meant me doing a 6 day week at work and look after our young daughter and it turned me inside out as we had no quality of life and very little time together.
My depression was masked by anger and I would be triggered by any little thing that frustrated me and my wife could see me falling further and further down into the darkness but I was totally in denial when she said I needed help professionally.

Pushed her away as my eating disorder made me want to shut off from the world and became withdrawn from everyone around me which isn't my personality at all as I love socializing and being active.
Functioning normal with work and the small things, cooking, looking after my daughter and still showed my wife on occasion that I still loved her but could feel her slipping further away.

January this year we had a major bust up and by March she said she wanted a divorce and me to leave the family home to sort myself out which I have done with flying colours!!! Back in shape, mentally and physically. Of course my major regret is not listening sooner but when your mentally unstable you don't think straight.

Now, 3 weeks ago I stumbled across some messages on her Ipad to an ex boyfriend that of course lives in Wales from that started in January.....they talked of being together and having a future together....that was the single biggest hammer blow I have received in my entire life :crying: 
Fine if you want a divorce and see no way back but to have been messaging this other man while we went into marriage counselling and she said I had a chance of turning things around up until around 6 weeks ago is nothing short of deceitful and a disgrace.

I confronted her about it and she laughed at first probably due to guilt but when we had a serious conversation she said it meant nothing.....its a bloody emotional attachment to another person.

I accept my behavior pushed her to message this other man (He is also married and separated) as she felt wanted again but to go through 9 months of lying to me and saying I had a chance while setting up a new relationship with someone else is very cruel.

She is visiting Wales in October for 3 weeks without me and due to move back to the UK in April/May next year and of course I will be going as well as I don't want to lose my daughter and she says nothing will happen with this other man but can I trust her?
The main reason she says she is worried about me falling back into depression again if we try again but there is no chance of that happening as I am a lot more open with my feelings then I have been in my 40 years so far.

Naturally I totally regret not acting sooner with my issues as I always blamed external things but I am up out of that pit I found myself in and she even admitted that she has seen changes, she also admitted she had been horrible to me for months while I was going through my counselling which of course was detrimental to my own recovery.

Its knowing if I should do everything I can to save my marriage or just let her go? My friends and our joint friends believe she is making a massive mistake across the board.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

is she allowed to just take your daughter all that way without your permission?


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## Roamingmark (Sep 9, 2017)

I wouldn't even bother going to court over it as she would win anyway, plus the financial cost is ridiculous.

Never in a million years would I have expected this behavior from her but nobody is perfect.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Roamingmark said:


> I wouldn't even bother going to court over it as she would win anyway, plus the financial cost is ridiculous.
> 
> Never in a million years would I have expected this behavior from her but nobody is perfect.


I am not sure its that hard, have you asked a lawyer?


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## Roamingmark (Sep 9, 2017)

I have seriously considered it. Do I want my daughter to miss out on her extended family though? I'm English but had no intention of going back there.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Roamingmark said:


> I have seriously considered it. Do I want my daughter to miss out on her extended family though? I'm English but had no intention of going back there.


That's interesting because I am British and my husband is Australian but he much prefers the UK. 
Maybe your family will be pleased that you are coming back.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

austrailia and Great britain participate in the Hauge child custody treaty, she can't just take your child out of the country like that, and courts generally do not like displacing children from their homes, it tends to cause development and social problems all through life.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DepressedHusband said:


> austrailia and Great britain participate in the Hauge child custody treaty, she can't just take your child out of the country like that, and courts generally do not like displacing children from their homes, it tends to cause development and social problems all through life.


I thought that as well.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Why are you giving in without a fight, she is playing dirty, time you put on the boxing gloves too. 
She will have more respect for you also. Go see a lawyer to see what your options are, do not tell her. Then do the 180 on her and show her you mean business. YOU have to be willing to lose her to win her back (if you want her).
Tell her until you are divorced, she is still your wife and she will not be going anywhere with your kid, until the lawyers decide what is to happen.
You will regret you didn't put up more of a fight. Give her what she wants, tell her she can go, but the kid stays. Tell her you were willing to work on things until she f* them up with an emotional attachment to another man, now you are no longer willing to play ball, stop being a doormat and letting her just waltz off with your kid. You sound young enough to be able to start over again.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

LOL. _Of course_ she's lying.

It's going to be Bang City from the moment she steps off the plane until the moment she steps back on.

Let her go. In fact, tell her not to bother coming back at all. (Don't let her take the kid, though.)

ETA: Find out whether it would be of more benefit for you to file for divorce in the UK or Australia.


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## Roamingmark (Sep 9, 2017)

I will talk to a lawyer, something I have considered. The reason why we are still in Oz is because she needed an extra year down under so the UK would recognize her midwifery degree back there. 

I have been toying with the idea of backing away from her completely and shutting her out totally with regards to what I am up to except with regards to my daughter. 

I haven't been pleading or begging at all as it serves no purpose and I have my f'ing dignity!

If it wasn't for October I would be trying my best to fix this but with this other a***hole in the picture it's going to be a difficult 3 weeks.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

time to man up, file for divorce, file for custody and as much as it is gonna sting, get ready to fight dirty, women are devious creatures and they have no boundary's in a fight.


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