# How long has it been for you?



## Isabellam (Aug 23, 2010)

For me - two months this Thursday sice the last time we had sex. The last time my husband had sex with me was on my birthday - so I guess it was more of a "present." since then, nothing. I feel so rejected. What is a girl supposed to do? 

It is hard to "try to work" on a marriage when there is no physical connection whatsoever. I feel as if he is sleeping with someone else -- he had an affair over the summer. in the last year, we have probably slept together less than 10 times. 

Ughh - I am feeling pretty down about this today. There is only so much that Yoga can do to help me feel better.

He says he can't sleep with me because he feels "disconnected" and does not feel "safe" -- I am not sure how long I can take this.

Sorry - vent over.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Let me understand this... he had the PA... and he's the one witholding sex. Somehow somethings not right. Its like he's punishing you for getting busted. 2 months is too long, heck 2 weeks is too long. 

Why exactly are you putting up with this? 

What was his resasoning on the affair?

Btw, its been about 10 days... which is about 8 days more than i'd like it to be, but nothing i can do about that.


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## Isabellam (Aug 23, 2010)

Rob774 said:


> Let me understand this... he had the PA... and he's the one witholding sex. Somehow somethings not right. Its like he's punishing you for getting busted. 2 months is too long, heck 2 weeks is too long.
> 
> Why exactly are you putting up with this?
> 
> What was his resasoning on the affair?


Yes - he had the affair - he claims it was physical, but it was with someone 13 years younger than him and she was ready to have him leave his wife -so of course i think it was physical.

Why am I putting up with this - that's a great question. I keep asking myself that every day. I feel so unattractive and rejected. To have your husband, not want to touch you in any way - except for his half-assed hugs and pecks on the lips - he has not really kiss me in too long. He gets mad when I walk by and not touch him - well gosh -maybe it is because you have not had sex w/ me in forever.
So, am I supposed to welcome it with open arms once he decides that we are good? It is hard to try to get connected because I can't get pass this.

I am only 31 -I need someone who wants me! This situation is just awful. How many men out there are whitholding sex? I feel like I married a woman (no offense ladies, but this is more of our territory).

Sorry - I am just having a pity party today.


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

Coming up on 6 months...but he's on a ship in the Arabian sea.

I am sorry your having to go threw this. *hugs*


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

Could it be that his sex drive is just lower than yours? My wife and I definitely have different sex drives (I would like it at least a couple of times a week, and she is very happy with once a month) It didn't use to be like this either, her drive has changed over time, and it is an area that I am trying to work on with her on it so we can have a form of compromise (we usually do it 3-4 times a month, not what I want, but better than once a month). It could be that he just doesn't have the drive that he used to. You need to make sure he understands how important sex is to you, and by withholding it, he is damaging the marriage. At the same time, ask him what is important to him that you are not giving him enough of, and try and change that as well.


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## Isabellam (Aug 23, 2010)

russ101 said:


> Could it be that his sex drive is just lower than yours? My wife and I definitely have different sex drives (I would like it at least a couple of times a week, and she is very happy with once a month) It didn't use to be like this either, her drive has changed over time, and it is an area that I am trying to work on with her on it so we can have a form of compromise (we usually do it 3-4 times a month, not what I want, but better than once a month). It could be that he just doesn't have the drive that he used to. You need to make sure he understands how important sex is to you, and by withholding it, he is damaging the marriage. At the same time, ask him what is important to him that you are not giving him enough of, and try and change that as well.


I wish that was the issue, but he has told me that there is nothing wrong w/ him and sex -I am obviously the problem.


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

Of course I'm only guessing here. What was the outcome of the affair as far as the two of you reconciling? Did the two of you go to counseling for a while? Learn how to communicate better? Learn to love each other again? Or was it more of a shove it under the carpet thing?


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Have you flat out asked him about this? I wouldn't have been in the mood for sex on my birthday if it was mercy sex. I really think you need to learn how to get what you want or get out. I'd be sad and angry all the time if my husband was doing to me what yours is doing to you.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Here's the thing OP, he's doing this... because he can! Somehow you guys got pass the affair, but he's so bitter for being caught, " I'll show her!" 

Now purposely witholding the d\ck should get him cheated on (not saying i authorize this ) but he knows you won't do this or else he wouldn't be doing this. In a nutshell, he doesn't or never did respect you. If he did, he wouldn't of cheated and wouldn't be doing this to you right now. There are hundreds of thousands of husbands in this country who wish their wives wanted more sex. What you are doing... isn't life. Threaten to leave, i mean to the point where your bags are packed by the door when he comes home. If this doesn't shake him out of this nonsense, then you don't have a marriage worth fighting for anyway.

Good Luck.


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

Rob774 said:


> ... Threaten to leave, i mean to the point where your bags are packed by the door when he comes home. If this doesn't shake him out of this nonsense, then you don't have a marriage worth fighting for anyway.Good Luck.


But only if you mean it. 

Men often need hit with a 2x4 in the relationship department. Often that 2x4 can be a life changing experience. HOWEVER he may be one that it just doesn't work on and thus you must be really ready to follow through or else things would just get even worse.


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## Isabellam (Aug 23, 2010)

Thanks guys - As you can see I am very frustrated - with regard to the affair, we pretty much swept it under the rug. He gets mad when I bring it up, and claims that the girl he was seeing has never talked to him about anything else since he told her it was over - I am not buying it. 

I am just fed up - the funny part is that he wants me to be "affectionate," but knows that I have needs and chooses to do nothing about it.

I think I am ready to say I am done, and certainly willing to follow through with it.


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

I really think the issue here is the sweeping it under the rug instead of working to make the pain go away and especially to find the sources of the unhappiness and work on them in your marriage.

If I were you the threat I'd make would not be "put out or I'm out" but rather, either we go to counseling together or I'm out. The lack of sex is simply a symptom of the other things that are not working right in your marriage. The communication between you two is most likely not healthy and the non-verbal a bit bitter I'd guess - most likely on both sides.

If at all possible I would work toward this. It will be a great aid in helping you either way, hopefully in this relationship, if not in the future ones.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Rob774 said:


> Here's the thing OP, he's doing this... because he can! Somehow you guys got pass the affair, but he's so bitter for being caught, " I'll show her!"


This is not the interpretation I would make if it were me.

Just as likely, it seems to me, that whatever send him seeking in the first place is still unresolved. I wonder what makes him feel unsafe and disconnected?

I would also ask myself, post affair, why are YOU dogging HIM for affection, connection and rebuilding? Is he in the game?

Anyway you slice it, I will bet a dollar that there is more going on here than lack of sex.


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## Isabellam (Aug 23, 2010)

you guys are right - there is a lot more going on than sex, like I said _ I am throwing a pitty party to myself. We tried couple's counseling, but after spending a lot of money -he did not feel any closer, etc. I am just tired and cracky at the lack of sex. Plus, we have other major issues. I hate to quit, but I can't do it anymore.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

I am having a REALLY hard time not fearing that you aren't married to a total jerk off. Now seriously there is not enough info to come to this conclusion. But I am reading

- affair that was swept under the rug.. why would you sweep an affair under the rug? 
- no trust rebuilding post affair just him continuing to "not feel close"


??


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

This past Saturday, btw

What would make him feel safe and reconnected? Has he said?
For him to feel unsafe the trust between you two had to be broken. Something happened for him to withdraw, and you to sweep the affair under the rug as if nothing took place.


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## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

There has to be a LOT more going on than just his disinterest in sex with you. First, why did he have the affair, does he still want to see her, how are you coping with it, etc. (and how old was she, you are 31, is he the same age? If so then he had an affair with an 18 year old, which in itself says a lot about him). It seems that the two of you are not communicating because he does not seem to understand what this is doing to you. I also wonder how you got over an affair so easily. You said it was this summer, which was just a few months ago and I have known a few people in your situation and they struggled to have sex with their spouse for a lot longer than a few months. Was your relationship bad before the affair? It seems you both have a lot of issues and maybe you should each try individual counseling. You should go even if he won't, it may help you understand why you are putting up with all of his bad behaviors. Good luck, you do not deserve this treatment.


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## kendra2705 (Oct 31, 2010)

How long has it been for you ???? full sex last christmas eve , a lot of the time I feel I can't do this anymore either.:iagree:


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