# Should I Just Cut My Losses Now??



## blue_bayou (Mar 29, 2016)

UPDATE - IT'S WORSE
Please see recent comment... I don't know where to turn.... 



Hello,

Newbie here, going through something incredibly painful and shameful and could use some advice from anyone who's experienced similar.... 

The backstory: my husband and I were married 9 months ago after dating for 7 years (living together for 3). Just recently, he was arrested for soliciting sex from a prostitute as part of a sting operation. After grilling him and getting through the lies, I discovered it wasn't the first time and that he had paid for oral sex from prostitutes 4 times in the previous 3 months. He insists he never did it before in our relationship. He has been taking testosterone supplements in order to boost his performance in the gym and his sex drive (he is older than me - more on that in a second) and the pills started to really mess with his mind and push him to behave in risky and manic/impulsive behaviors. What started as curious texting with prostitutes from the internet lead to him actually acting on it, and even though he felt guilty afterward, he still continued to do it. 

He is devastated and remorseful and crushed. Not only did he betray me and our marriage, but his picture and name appeared all over the local news and Facebook and everyone we know now knows about it. We cannot deal with this in private and I must live with the shame and embarrassment as well. It also caused him to lose his job. So now we are financially challenged as well. 

He is older than me. We have never had an issue with the age difference. He has kids with whom I am very close, but no children of our own. Up until now, I convinced myself I didn't want any children of my own. Our sex life was great, as far as I was concerned and we regularly had sex and I gave him regular oral sex as well. He says it wasn't about the sex.

He's seeking help through therapy and we have started marriage counseling. I made vows and promises and even though he broke his, since he seems to be doing all the right things, I feel as though I owe my marriage this chance.

My big question is, to those who have suffered from a cheating spouse or those who have cheated themselves and begged the spouse not to leave: when do I say enough is enough and cut my losses? How do you know? I'm very angry most days, and hurt others but mostly I just want this all to go away and for everything to go back to normal.... which it is so far from right now. I don't know if I'm capable of forgiveness.


Prior to him getting caught we were arguing a lot and I felt like he was being very cold and robotic and I attributed it to stress. We had started to build a new home which we will now not continue since he lost his job so we have lost the house. The stress of the new home, work, etc was taking it's toll on us. But I remained optimistic. Now I know he may have been demonizing me to deal with his guilt. I'm still young, educated, have a successful career and what most people consider attractive.... and I'm afraid I'll stay in a marriage where I'll always resent him and eventually the loss of my youth and possibilities like perhaps children. This has shaken me up and made me question that decision now more than ever. I am also terrified to be on my own financially. 

I understand there are MANY layers to this, which is why it is so very confusing for me. Everyone I know knows all the details about the situation and has their own opinions. It's difficult to be able to just have a normal day anymore. 

Thank you for any words of advice you may provide!


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Its very easy for me to say I would be long gone, but Im not in your shoes. I would live under a bridge in a cardboard box before I would live with a cheater. I think.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

Very few marriages survive infidelity and of those that do stay together, a small percentage are ever really happy , again, my research has indicated.
You have no kids with him, are young and marketable. I also doubt you have anywhere near the full story and that this has happened way more than 4 times.
He is a high risk spouse. I would advocate leaving the marriage.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

blue_bayou said:


> my husband and I were married 9 months ago after dating for 7 years (living together for 3).


First, sorry you're here.

You have to understand that reconciliation under any circumstances is a very tough road. But there are certain situations that make attempting it an even poorer bet.

One of those, is him cheating so early in your marriage. Even though you lived together before that, marriage is a vow. If he would break it so soon, the chances he will break it again go up exponentially. His excuse about the pills, please.

Because of that, because you have no children with him and because he caused you to be publicly humiliated; were it me, I would "cut my losses". Move on with your life and find a man that respects the sanctity of marriage.

Wish you the best.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

In all honesty, you married a ne'er–do–well. It may sound harsh and with work, he may overcome it. It is an understatement to say his activities are way over the top. But the problem is that most older adults are not up to the task. Your continued marriage to this cat and what you'll be going through reminds me of what Jacob Marley told Ebenezer Scrooge, _"Ah! You do not know the weight and length of strong chain you bear yourself! It was as full and as long as this seven Christmas eves ago and you have labored on it since. Ah, it is a ponderous chain! " _


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

If it comes down to cut your losses now versus cutting them later, well then, now is always better than later.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Maxo said:


> Very few marriages survive infidelity and of those that do stay together, a small percentage are ever really happy , again, my research has indicated.
> You have no kids with him, are young and marketable. I also doubt you have anywhere near the full story and that this has happened way more than 4 times.
> He is a high risk spouse. I would advocate leaving the marriage.


I have not seen reliable statistics. I wouldn't base it all on that. 

The question is whether you can put what he did into some sort of perspective where it doesn't always eat at you, and noone else can answer that except you. For me I would need to see it as something that was not likely to recur.


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## blue_bayou (Mar 29, 2016)

badmemory said:


> First, sorry you're here.
> 
> You have to understand that reconciliation under any circumstances is a very tough road. But there are certain situations that make attempting it an even poorer bet.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your kind words.

And YES that was also a huge red flag for me... that he would cheat so early in our marriage with seemingly no reason to. I regret spending all that money on our lovely wedding


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## blue_bayou (Mar 29, 2016)

Herschel said:


> If it comes down to cut your losses now versus cutting them later, well then, now is always better than later.


Wow... you are so right about this. I didn't mean to word it that way but perhaps it was subconscious? That in my heart I feel like I'll have to cut my losses no matter what... 

Originally, what I meant to say, is "should I cut my losses (at all)?" and avoid dealing with more pain and heart ache if this marriage truly has no chance vs me dragging us through therapy to no avail? 

But you made a good point. Thank you


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Leave him. You'll never be able to trust him again. Why did you date for 7 years before getting married? Has to be a story there...


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

You have a tough call to make. The truth is that it is your's alone to make and it will be the right one either way. My only advise is to be true to the person you want to be and set that bar high. 

I could have reacted in a lot of ways to my exWW behavior. As I told my mother at the time I tried to make myself proud of myself based on what I learned from my parents and others I respected growing up. I have not lived up to my personal standards often, but not on that. In short I tried to be the person I would respect, not others.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The big question is what do you think? Many just can't live with this in their life.

It's long term and never goes away. Do you want that in your future.

There's always an excuse as to why but never a good one.

Plus with a prostitute the chances of endangering your health goes way up. They could be infected with anything.

Very wrecklace on his part.

Could he do the heavy lifting needed to make you feel safe??????

There is a huge difference between remourse and sorry they got caught.

Without remourse reconciliation is not possible.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

blue_bayou said:


> Wow... you are so right about this. I didn't mean to word it that way but perhaps it was subconscious? That in my heart I feel like I'll have to cut my losses no matter what...
> 
> Originally, what I meant to say, is "should I cut my losses (at all)?" and avoid dealing with more pain and heart ache if this marriage truly has no chance vs me dragging us through therapy to no avail?
> 
> But you made a good point. Thank you


I am feeling like I am in the same situation. Obviously now with the public embarrassment, but I feel like, is it worth the effort if I pretty much know I can't ever get over it. My situation definitely leads to a higher chance of success than yours, but I do know from experience that the sooner you get out, the sooner you can move on. There is no such thing as a sunk cost. All those years are gone and you can never get them back. Worry about the years in front of you which you still have control over.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Short marriage. No kids. Public humiliation. Extremely high risk behavior.

Blaming it on steroids is just the cherry on top. 

What was your question again?


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## Hantei (Feb 23, 2016)

"Fresh" BS here. It does not look or sound like a "loss" to me. It does look and sound that you have already made your mind and are - perhaps subconsciously - mostly worried about the logistics. I think you'll not regret it if you do and will regret it if you don't. 

All the best.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I am an older man.

You have no children with this man. He was not nice to you prior to this mess. Now he is? That man was the real man, not the one who is trying to get in your good graces again.

Not good enough. Too late.

Get a divorce, marry another man and have your own children.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

There are certain situations where you try to come back.
Im in that process and I have to tell you It won't ever be the same again. My situation is different and I have kids. 
To me it seems like you have already made your decision. 
You are in MC...do you see yourself picking up the pieces and trying to rebuild your life?
The huge problem I have with it is that he hasn't owned his mistake. He blamed it on his pills making him have a higher sex drive. Please.
You guys are still in your honeymoon phase... Higher Sex drive should have been projected towards you not a stranger.
Good luck in what you choose.


Sent from my iPhone


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

You know it never ceases to amaze me the ignorance of possible consequences; when a married man hooks up with a prostitute.

Consider:

He lost his reputation.

He lost his job.

He now has a criminal record, that will make it much more difficult to find another decent job.

He has likely lost his marriage - to a young wife. 

And if he does, and looks for a decent woman - he'll have to hope they don't do a background check on him. Otherwise, he'll have to lower his standards.

You would think those would be enough consequences for him to think twice before ever doing it again - whether he stays married or remarries. 

But somehow I think that's not likely - for someone who would risk so much, for a BJ in a car (or wherever it was).


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## antireallove23 (Mar 27, 2016)

That sad thing is we don't truly know him or you for that matter. Leaving might be a mistake for both of you. There is no guarantee the next relationship will be any better, I believe love is always worth a second chance.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
In considering your options moving forward I would be very careful not to discount the effects of the steroids. I pose a simple question. Generally speaking, do teenage men act with the same cognition as middle aged or older men? It can partially be attributed to immaturity but a good portion of it is testosterone. I have witnessed otherwise reasonable men rage in anger almost to the point of madness. They could not explain their behavior after calming down. They were on steroid treatments, in this case self administered.

Obviously you cared enough for this man to invest 7 years of your life in him so what changed? I would strongly suggest that, if you intend to remain with him, you make absolutely sure the steroid use stops. He may not be as viral but he may be much more prudent in his choices. Something to consider.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Maxo said:


> Very few marriages survive infidelity and of those that do stay together, a small percentage are ever really happy , again, my research has indicated.......... .


Citation needed. 

Actual statics show that only approximately 19% of relationships end right away due to infidelity with another 22% or so ending later due to the BS not being able to handle the previous infidelity or the WS is not willing to change. If you add up the number of divorces being due to an affair of one or both of the spouses and the probable percentage of infidelity in long term relationships, the number is in the 50% range, about the same percentage of marriages that end in a divorce anyway. 

As far as not being able to ever be really, really happy again, how happy were they in the first place if one or both of the spouses were cheating? I didn't realize just how much my marriage sucked until after we reconciled. I'm not for one minute suggesting that one have an affair to improve their marriage, that's crazy, but one's relationship can be better after an affair. (Of course this depends on too many variables to list here) 

Now whether someone can reconcile or should reconcile is the question.


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

antireallove23 said:


> That sad thing is we don't truly know him or you for that matter. Leaving might be a mistake for both of you. There is no guarantee the next relationship will be any better, I believe love is always worth a second chance.


You're right, there is no guarantee that the next relationship will be better but at least in the next relationship you are starting from scratch rather than digging your way out of the grave.

The way I see it you don't have enough invested in this relationship to risk your life. I'm usually an advocate for R but we are talking about very high risk behavior and you have no control over whether it happens again or not. He is putting himself at risk of all kinds of diseases that he will eventually bring home to you, some of which can't be cured and you will carry those around for the rest of your life like baggage. 

As others have said, you're young, you're not saddled down with kids and you still have your health (for the time being anyway) so you are still a very marketable person. 

If you're worried about being able to make it on your own than look in the want ads for people looking for a roommate or find a couple that are looking for a border, hell move back home with your parents if you can or need to. This is one situation that I say get out now while you can, wasting time deciding is only drawing out the pain.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I'd bail.

Oh, and don't forget to get tested or STDs.

And then again 3 months, 6 months, and a year later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blue_bayou (Mar 29, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> Why did you date for 7 years before getting married? Has to be a story there...


The story is that I was young and establishing my career and he had baggage (scorned ex-wife, kids, etc) so we didn't feel the need to rush into anything. I kept my own apartment for years. We got engaged when I moved in 4 1/2 years later and then took our time planning and saving for the wedding which was a huge and pricey weekend but amazing nonetheless


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## blue_bayou (Mar 29, 2016)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Get tested for STD's


I did as soon as I found out; screened for everything and negative results for everything


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## blue_bayou (Mar 29, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> There is a huge difference between remourse and sorry they got caught.
> 
> Without remourse reconciliation is not possible.


This is something I've been battling. He seems remorseful, taking accountability for his actions and very sorry for what he has done to me. And then there's a tiny part of him that is almost relieved he got caught... Like how long would this have gone on if he didn't get caught, because I was completely clueless and never thought he would do something like this.

So is he truly sorry he betrayed me and our marriage? Or that he got caught, publicly humiliated and lost his job? 

I'm learning that he has done this before, with his ex-wife. Which he says is a different situation, they were in a sexless marriage and very unhappy and he didn't consider oral sex from prostitutes cheating. So, he never told me he cheated on his ex-wife until now

Wish I would have known earlier


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## blue_bayou (Mar 29, 2016)

Hantei said:


> "Fresh" BS here. It does not look or sound like a "loss" to me. It does look and sound that you have already made your mind and are - perhaps subconsciously - mostly worried about the logistics. I think you'll not regret it if you do and will regret it if you don't.
> 
> All the best.


Thank you

And I know how it seems that way because in my heart I've been leaning that way. I guess I just wanted to try and give my marriage a second chance


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## blue_bayou (Mar 29, 2016)

citygirl4344 said:


> There are certain situations where you try to come back.
> Im in that process and I have to tell you It won't ever be the same again. My situation is different and I have kids.
> To me it seems like you have already made your decision.
> You are in MC...do you see yourself picking up the pieces and trying to rebuild your life?
> ...


Thank you 

I agree with what you said. He blames the pills for driving him to impulsive and reckless behavior and says that he didn't feel in control of what he was doing. We had a great sex life. We had sex the night before he got caught for soliciting the prostitute... So he says it wasn't about sex. He also revealed to me that he was diagnosed with hypo-mania 10 years ago and has gone untreated with it because he didn't like the way the medication made him feel...and taking the testosterone drove his manic behavior to an uncontrollable level. He is in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist for that. 

So should I discount this discovery of a possible mood disorder? And that he is seeking help for it and that it will never happen again? I guess this is where I'm at: leave right now, or go through the process of marriage counseling with him while he also seeks therapy and perhaps medication treatment on his own to deal with his problems? And help him through it? 

I wish it were more cut and dry.


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## blue_bayou (Mar 29, 2016)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> In considering your options moving forward I would be very careful not to discount the effects of the steroids. I pose a simple question. Generally speaking, do teenage men act with the same cognition as middle aged or older men? It can partially be attributed to immaturity but a good portion of it is testosterone. I have witnessed otherwise reasonable men rage in anger almost to the point of madness. They could not explain their behavior after calming down. They were on steroid treatments, in this case self administered.
> 
> Obviously you cared enough for this man to invest 7 years of your life in him so what changed? I would strongly suggest that, if you intend to remain with him, you make absolutely sure the steroid use stops. He may not be as viral but he may be much more prudent in his choices. Something to consider.


Thank you, and yes I have considered this with careful thought. He has assured me the testosterone use has stopped. Please see my previous comment about the testosterone use and the discovery of a possible mood disorder. I don't want to give him an "out" with the use of the pills, but I don't discount them either.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Ignoring what you think you may be able to handle going forward, the fact that he hid/lied about all this stuff from you should speak tons. You were together for so long and you never knew he had a mood disorder that went untreated, that he visited prostitutes before he met you and probably various other things.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

blue_bayou said:


> I did as soon as I found out; screened for everything and negative results for everything


Just to be safe, get a second test in 6 months.

Plus have him wear a condom if you are still intimate.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

blue_bayou said:


> The story is that I was young and establishing my career and he had baggage (scorned ex-wife, kids, etc) so we didn't feel the need to rush into anything. I kept my own apartment for years. We got engaged when I moved in 4 1/2 years later and then took our time planning and saving for the wedding which was a huge and pricey weekend but amazing nonetheless


OP, what are you ages? IMO that is relevant, especially with him taking testosterone.


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## blue_bayou (Mar 29, 2016)

badmemory said:


> You know it never ceases to amaze me the ignorance of possible consequences; when a married man hooks up with a prostitute.
> 
> Consider:
> 
> ...


All very true.

Why risk everything? Literally everything - job, house, reputation, wife... I'm trying to understand that part.


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## blue_bayou (Mar 29, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> OP, what are you ages? IMO that is relevant, especially with him taking testosterone.


I am 34 and he is 54


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## blue_bayou (Mar 29, 2016)

Herschel said:


> Ignoring what you think you may be able to handle going forward, the fact that he hid/lied about all this stuff from you should speak tons. You were together for so long and you never knew he had a mood disorder that went untreated, that he visited prostitutes before he met you and probably various other things.


Correct. I think he's trying to focus on working through this and me trusting him going forward and him never doing it again.... But what about what happened? And the lies and deceit? How do I let go of all of that? The challenge is daunting alone to go forward but what about addressing what happened? He of course doesn't want to focus on that


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

blue_bayou said:


> Thank you for your kind words.
> 
> And YES that was also a huge red flag for me... that he would cheat so early in our marriage with seemingly no reason to. I regret spending all that money on our lovely wedding


Cheating after berm together for so many years is not good.

This shows that so called safe drugs like steroids are nothing like even close to safe.

You could get through this so long as he does the hard work that he needs to do.

Oh, yes. Get checked for STDs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blue_bayou (Mar 29, 2016)

blue_bayou said:


> blueinbr said:
> 
> 
> > OP, what are you ages? IMO that is relevant, especially with him taking testosterone.
> ...


And, geez... I guess I will have to clarify this for people who may jump to opinions: we share finances. We both paid for the expensive wedding. We split the bills 50/50. I make my own money. I hate to have to put that out there but of course it's a question I've always dealt with in our relationship.


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## blue_bayou (Mar 29, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> blue_bayou said:
> 
> 
> > I did as soon as I found out; screened for everything and negative results for everything
> ...


We haven't been intimate. I can't imagine doing that right now. 

But I will get screened again, thank you for the advice


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

He did this to his first wife too? Just FYI, it doesn't really matter what his excuse is. This is a pattern.

He claims he has hypo-mania? Is it hypo-mania or is he really bi-polar?

I've been on the site for 3 years and it seems that the likelihood of reoccurrence with bi-polars who don't take their meds or who self-medicate with alcohol, drugs, steroids etc. is almost astronomical.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

blue_bayou said:


> Thank you
> 
> I agree with what you said. He blames the pills for driving him to impulsive and reckless behavior and says that he didn't feel in control of what he was doing. We had a great sex life. We had sex the night before he got caught for soliciting the prostitute... So he says it wasn't about sex. He also revealed to me that he was diagnosed with hypo-mania 10 years ago and has gone untreated with it because he didn't like the way the medication made him feel...and taking the testosterone drove his manic behavior to an uncontrollable level. He is in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist for that.
> 
> ...




You are just learning about the mental issues now? This is something you should have been told about before marrying.
No I don't think you should discount it but you cannot use mental issues as an excuse. Everyone has something...either mental issues or a traumatic event or feeling left out or whatever. But you can't use that as a crutch. You still have to own what you've done. 
I it is good that he is seeking help...you need to decide if it's too little too late or if you can wait and see what happens with therapy.


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

Move towards separation and divorce, this action should be immediate and decisive. You can choose to stop the divorce later if he starts doing all the right things but trust me when I say if you allow this to be rug swept with little or no consequences you will be dealing with this issue again.

He has shown a pattern of behavior and I wouldn't be surprised to find out this had a role in his last relationship's demise so he knows the consequences of doing it and he still chose to do it anyway.

You're in your prime and have many great years ahead of you, do you want to spend them wondering where he is? What is he doing? Who is he doing it with? Has he cheated again? Do you want to spend the next 5 or 10 years wondering about your health and what you've been exposed to? 

I say 5 or 10 years because it is only a matter of time before he does it again. I believe people do make mistakes. It is our ability to learn from them that defines who we are, he is not learning from them and he keeps repeating them. This is what will define your future with him.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

blue_bayou said:


> Hello,
> 
> Newbie here, going through something incredibly painful and shameful and could use some advice from anyone who's experienced similar....
> 
> ...


The pain of betrayal is terrible, I know. The hookers were not the problem, they were a symptom. The marriage was not working, emotional distance, etc., and he is projecting the fault onto his supplements. He is not willing to stand up like a man and come clean. He admitted to four- but was he honest? Could it have been fourteen? Forty? It happened, normalcy is a thing of the past. You might be able to rebuild your marriage but it will never be the same. Stick with the marriage counseling but let him know that he's on probation. One more incident and you're gone. And the thing about boundaries or limits is that you HAVE to stick with them or you lose all credibility and he will walk all over you. I don't mean to sound harsh but my Soon To Be X was a wayward wife. Now we are just waiting for a court date. Also, look into the 180 recovery. Valuable tools to help you recover from adultery. And yes, it was adultery-regardless of payment it was still betrayal.

The Healing Heart: The 180


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## blue_bayou (Mar 29, 2016)

Tron said:


> He did this to his first wife too? Just FYI, it doesn't really matter what his excuse is. This is a pattern.
> 
> He claims he has hypo-mania? Is it hypo-mania or is he really bi-polar?
> 
> I've been on the site for 3 years and it seems that the likelihood of reoccurrence with bi-polars who don't take their meds or who self-medicate with alcohol, drugs, steroids etc. is almost astronomical.


He had a meeting with a psychiatrist and psychotherapist today; I will know the results when I see him later as far as what he may be dealing with now, but he told me that the original diagnosis was hypo-mania and not bi-polar. He says he has never been depressed in his life.

I can see now looking back his behavior has been more of a manic... taking risks, driving fast, drinking excessively, extreme temper at times, etc.


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## blue_bayou (Mar 29, 2016)

WhyMe66 said:


> He admitted to four- but was he honest? Could it have been fourteen? Forty? It happened, normalcy is a thing of the past.
> 
> Also, look into the 180 recovery. Valuable tools to help you recover from adultery. And yes, it was adultery-regardless of payment it was still betrayal.
> 
> The Healing Heart: The 180


That's the question that keeps me up at night, among other things. Does it matter if it was 4 or 40? I honestly don't know.. but feeling like I don't know the whole truth of our 8 years together tears me up and leaves me resentful. 

Thank you for the recommendation (180 recovery) - I just read it twice and WOW. I will need to digest this some more


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Look, if you make vows to be there for someone in sickness and health, that doesn't mean that you sign up for a life sentence with a partner who has a history of cheating with prostitutes. The sickness and health people are talking about refer to things like cancer, heart disease, etc., not cheating perhaps fueled by completely elective testosterone supplements.

You're hoping for a diagnosis like bipolar, I think, because that would represent a loophole. You can honestly say that he is 'sick.' Frankly, though, I don't think that will make it any easier for you. Some types of 'sickness and health' issues are simply nothing you should sacrifice your life for.

I think if he took a polygraph you would find that he has done this for years and that he was the one in his marriage who ruined things. He would likely give you a parking lot confession that details far more than he has thus far admitted to.

Ask yourself where you want to be in five years. Either you are on your own, perhaps in a happier marriage with children, or you are with your WH. In the latter case, you might have a reconciliation in place with a man who is in treatment to try to stop him from giving in to his impulses. The latter is your best-case scenario for staying in the marriage, I think.

You are young. Don't give up your life for this.


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

blue_bayou said:


> I am 34 and he is 54




Get out without any doubt... he will just drag you down.

You were 27 and he was 47 when this started. The age difference is just to big to start with. 

Was he taking testosterone while he was cheating on his ex too ? I have a feeling that there is a lot more that he did not confess.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Don't walk away, RUN AWAY! 20 year difference.... jeesh. 

Don't let the expensive wedding factor in your decision. Don't let all of the friends and family that attended and sent you gifts factor in your decision. Everyone will totally understand and support you. You know deep down that you need to get out of this marriage TODAY. Look out for yourself. You are the only one who can do that. Don't let yourself down and live with regret later in life.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

You are very fortunate to still be young and not to have had children with this man.

Dump him and find someone more suitable for you.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

blue_bayou said:


> This is something I've been battling. He seems remorseful, taking accountability for his actions and very sorry for what he has done to me. And then there's a tiny part of him that is almost relieved he got caught... Like how long would this have gone on if he didn't get caught, because I was completely clueless and never thought he would do something like this.
> 
> So is he truly sorry he betrayed me and our marriage? Or that he got caught, publicly humiliated and lost his job?
> 
> ...


*That's* another deal-breaker if you ask me. Yes, you should cut your losses.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

blue_bayou said:


> All very true.
> 
> Why risk everything? Literally everything - job, house, reputation, wife... I'm trying to understand that part.


Because there is no thrill if there is no risk. That's why.

You're married to a man who has a possible mood disorder he hid from you, who cheated on his ex wife, he cheated on you (multiple times with premeditation..more on this later) and his work life and reputation are in tatters in addition to the fact that you're considering your childlessness choice... Yeah, if it were me I'd leave and file for divorce as soon as possible.

As far as using the steroids/testosterone as an excuse due to poor impulse control, I'm calling foul. I've been on steroids off and on for years due to lung issues. While I was grumpy and ate like a horse and was somewhat impulsive, your H doesn't have the excuse of impulsiveness. He didn't find himself in a situation where oral sex was offered and accept impulsively in the heat of the moment. He deliberately sought out prostitutes by either contacting them online or by going to a place where they are available, met with them, and paid them. Them...more than one. 

For the record, I am a former wayward wife. As someone who knows, trust me. His actions were planned and not an impulse. Think about it. He found prostitutes online, through a service, or at a place where prostitutes frequent. He then chose to meet with one. He drove to the meeting site with plenty of time to stop. He chose deliberately to continue on to the meeting. Then, once he had the prostitute in his presence, he negotiated the act he wanted and a price. Again, with time to call it all off. After that, he chose to complete the sex act. And to then do the whole thing again and again. 

That's not an impulsive, in the moment, thing. It's a series of actions over a period of time that he deliberately chose and deliberately chose to repeat.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

alte Dame said:


> Look, if you make vows to be there for someone in sickness and health, that doesn't mean that you sign up for a life sentence with a partner who has a history of cheating with prostitutes. The sickness and health people are talking about refer to things like cancer, heart disease, etc., not cheating perhaps fueled by completely elective testosterone supplements.
> 
> You're hoping for a diagnosis like bipolar, I think, because that would represent a loophole. You can honestly say that he is 'sick.' Frankly, though, I don't think that will make it any easier for you. Some types of 'sickness and health' issues are simply nothing you should sacrifice your life for.
> 
> ...


Please post this again so that I can "Like" it again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

blue_bayou said:


> Hello,
> 
> Newbie here, going through something incredibly painful and shameful and could use some advice from anyone who's experienced similar....
> 
> ...


Though I am sure a few could TRY to reconcile with this man, but honey...If you were to ask me what i would do, I would say RUN. You don't have kids, and he is a bit older than you. Perhaps old enough that in about 5 -15 years may be changing his adult diapers And still want to punch him then. 

No, i would not even try with him. Prostitutes being all sorts of drama, Std's and as you can see, POLICE! this is your life with him. I also doubt that this is a recent development. But that is here nor there. 

Really...Im sorry if that is not what you want to hear.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

blue_bayou said:


> That's the question that keeps me up at night, among other things. Does it matter if it was 4 or 40? I honestly don't know.. but feeling like I don't know the whole truth of our 8 years together tears me up and leaves me resentful.
> 
> Thank you for the recommendation (180 recovery) - I just read it twice and WOW. I will need to digest this some more


Yes it does matter if it was 4 or 40. The small number is the camel getting its nose into the tent. "She took it well when I told her 4, maybe next time I'll get away with 8..." and then it grows further. Him telling you *4* when it is really *8* or *40* is just more lies, more "what else can I get away with?", more deception, more disrespect. Ultimately that is what your situation, and mine, boils down to: disrespect. Disrespect for us, for our vows, for our marriages and the list goes on.


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## blue_bayou (Mar 29, 2016)

An update to my situation: what I feared would happen, just did. I started digging though his phone records, etc as I had a gut feeling and needed to KNOW everything. Like I feel like in order to move on and try to save my marriage I needed to know the whole story and not lie awake at night wondering forever...

I found some evidence and confronted him, which he at first denied again. I just kept digging and questioning and eventually it came out. The prostitutes have been going on since at least 2014 - according to him, it could be longer who knows? I don't know what to believe anymore. 

But what I do know is that he was paying prostitutes since at least the beginning of 2014, a year and a half before we got married. 

His visit to the psychiatrist yesterday also told something new: he is a classic case of bi-polar and the psychiatrist said it was very obvious. I'm not one to jump to diagnosis right away, but at least we are going off of this for now: he is bi-polar and he was self-medicating for years with alcohol, sex, etc. His "drug" of choice was risky behavior and "bareback BJs from hookers"

He was taking testosterone supplements to enhance his performance in the gym and the bedroom and he says he felt inadequate and self-conscious with a young, beautiful wife. He was also taking those penis pills you find online or in sex stores. I had no idea this was going on. 

He says he never meant to hurt me, he couldn't stop himself. It is obvious he is sick and has been for a long time

I'm crushed, devastated, angry, hurt, everything. I asked him "why did you marry me?? you betrayed me for years and THEN decided it was a good idea to take those vows and promise to always take care of me? why did you marry me?"

His response was simple: "because I love you" 

I cannot take his tears. They rip me apart. This is a sick place to be in and I'm sure some of you have experienced this as well: I hurt for him. I want to help him. But I hurt for me and I want to help me too. I want to punch him but I also want him to hug me and tell me it will all be OK. It will not be. Whether I stay or go, it will never be OK again. And I will go through HELL in either situation.

I'm scared for him. I don't want him to hurt himself. He's lost his job, ruined his reputation, shamed his children and family and now he's losing the only person who's always stood by him, his wife. I want to leave but I feel guilty for leaving. I'm so confused... 

We have a marriage counseling appointment tomorrow... should I go? Should I leave our home? Ask him to leave???


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Sounds like you are the very least need a break. 
What about a trial separation so you can both have some perspective?


Sent from my iPhone


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

I had a feeling that you had only gotten the tip of the iceberg with this one.

54 years old and doing this with a young wife??? 

Go to the MC but you need to prepare yourself to move on.

His problems go way way back and are more than you can handle.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

You are a caring person, which makes it much more difficult for you to care for yourself. But that is what you need to do, because otherwise you will be back here in 5 years saying "I'm almost 40 and am trapped in a terrible marriage."

Yes, cut your losses now. They will only get bigger with time.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

It shouldn't even be a question at this point. The person you knew didn't exist or is dead now. You really need to look at the one you once loved and imagine that they are gone forever. Some people are just too far gone to bring back.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

So now you have uncovered about 2 years of prostitution. In two years he had SEX with them. He had BJ's HE might even had drugs. This man has been leading a double life and lying for 2 years.... I think you need a break. Cut off contact to him for one week and see how you feel after. 

A week wont solve your problems. But it MIGHT give you some clarity. You are in shock now. Let that shock wear off.


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

blue_bayou said:


> An update to my situation: what I feared would happen, just did. I started digging though his phone records, etc as I had a gut feeling and needed to KNOW everything. Like I feel like in order to move on and try to save my marriage I needed to know the whole story and not lie awake at night wondering forever...
> 
> I found some evidence and confronted him, which he at first denied again. I just kept digging and questioning and eventually it came out. The prostitutes have been going on since at least 2014 - according to him, it could be longer who knows? I don't know what to believe anymore.
> 
> ...



He is manipulating you with the I am sick, I need help and suicide threats.. And your still buying the Bjs only lies ?


Don't feel guilty. Don;t ruin your life by letting him manipulate you. He is responsible for everything that happened to him. he lost his job because he was banging hookers. he lost his reputation because he was banging hookers. he shamed his adult children because he banged hookers . And remember, this was not a one time mistake in judgement. he was doing it in the previous marriage. he was doing when he was with you and he was doing it after her got married. . They are called consequences. 

And how can you fall for the "I love you" line ? At 34 you should know better. The only one he loves is himself. Don;t put un-necessary guilt on yourself or let him do that to you.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Leave him. You are only getting half the truth. What a POS. You can't rebound from this. You can't fix him. Can his kids live with their mother? That's the only issue I see from this view point.


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## Bitteratwomen (Jun 21, 2014)

It isnt fair to you to stay with a deceitful person like that. Leave him.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Like I said, tip of the iceberg.

I would not be surprised if this wasn't something he has been doing his entire adult life. This is NOT a recent thing.

He needs a good psychiatrist and a ton of IC, group therapy and a 12-step program...or maybe several.

And you cannot be the rock for him. 

This is going to need to be all him. A complete rebuild from rock bottom.


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## blue_bayou (Mar 29, 2016)

citygirl4344 said:


> Sounds like you are the very least need a break.
> What about a trial separation so you can both have some perspective?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone


I am now trying to do that. I have asked him to leave and give me space for the time being


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## blue_bayou (Mar 29, 2016)

threelittlestars said:


> Cut off contact to him for one week and see how you feel after.
> 
> A week wont solve your problems. But it MIGHT give you some clarity. You are in shock now. Let that shock wear off.


Yes, I need clarity and space and yes I am in shock. I have asked him to leave and give me space.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

blue_bayou said:


> An update to my situation: what I feared would happen, just did. I started digging though his phone records, etc as I had a gut feeling and needed to KNOW everything. Like I feel like in order to move on and try to save my marriage I needed to know the whole story and not lie awake at night wondering forever...
> 
> I found some evidence and confronted him, which he at first denied again. I just kept digging and questioning and eventually it came out. The prostitutes have been going on since at least 2014 - according to him, it could be longer who knows? I don't know what to believe anymore.
> 
> ...


He. Will. Never. Stop. Cheating.

If you're OK w/ that, then stay.

If not, your only realistic option is to leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blue_bayou (Mar 29, 2016)

sparrow555 said:


> And how can you fall for the "I love you" line ? At 34 you should know better. The only one he loves is himself. Don;t put un-necessary guilt on yourself or let him do that to you.


I didn't fall for any line. I simply stated that he had no excuses and that was his only response as to why he would cheat on me for years and then marry me... it's clear the only person he loves in this situation is himself and he put himself first. He did not tell me what was going on with himself, if he was sick or dealing with mood issues. I'm not someone who walks away when someone needs help... I would have helped him. But then he took it to the point of no return and cheated. Multiple times. for years. I would have tried to help him work through his problems before he took it there. But I can't do that anymore. I can't take on his problems and his sickness.


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## blue_bayou (Mar 29, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> Can his kids live with their mother? That's the only issue I see from this view point.


His kids are almost all grown now. The 2 older ones live on their own, one in college and one graduated college and working. The youngest is 18, a senior in high school, and already lives with his mother and visited us on weekends.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

blue_bayou said:


> I didn't fall for any line. I simply stated that he had no excuses and that was his only response as to why he would cheat on me for years and then marry me... it's clear the only person he loves in this situation is himself and he put himself first. He did not tell me what was going on with himself, if he was sick or dealing with mood issues. I'm not someone who walks away when someone needs help... I would have helped him. But then he took it to the point of no return and cheated. Multiple times. for years. I would have tried to help him work through his problems before he took it there. But I can't do that anymore. I can't take on his problems and his sickness.


THIS!

Kick him out. You will be doing both of you a favor.

Then print out what you wrote here, put it on your mirror and read it every time you start questioning yourself.


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## blue_bayou (Mar 29, 2016)

Tron said:


> Like I said, tip of the iceberg.
> 
> I would not be surprised if this wasn't something he has been doing his entire adult life. This is NOT a recent thing.
> 
> ...


I agree with you. He needs help and everything you just stated. He is turning to me for comfort and support and I cannot be that person. I told him that today, and that I need him to give me space. It is not fair for me to have to leave my home and my dogs (the home and dogs we share together) I didn't do anything wrong here. I still have my job and I have to continue to work, earn a living and try to live my life. When this all went down 3 weeks ago with the arrest, I left the house and went to stay with a friend. I will not do that again. This is my home too. I have no family here. I have a few close friends. And I am also very close to his family, especially his sisters and his mom. But that is a confusing space for me to be in right now. He grew up here and has a ton of friends, family, and support.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I would bet that this is actually a lifestyle for him that goes back through his entire adult life. He has always had a secret, compartmentalized, sordid secret life. You, whom he says he loves, are in one compartment, but it isn't enough for him to just have that compartment as his life. Until now he has always had his cake and eaten it, too - he has maintained respectability with a wife, and had his seamy life with pros.

I bet I am right about the years-long reality of this.

I can understand that you feel compassion and love, at the same time understanding that you have to protect your own heart. (Really, given the virulence of HPV and the prevalence of AIDS, you have to protect your life.)

Why not tell him that he has to leave and go into treatment. If he completes a certified treatment plan, then you might revisit your status with him. This will allow you time to 180 and detach. By that time, I think you will be clear-headed enough to make a truly affirmative decision for yourself.

Honestly, do you want to live your life worried that your WH is infecting you with a life-threatening disease? He's a liar. You know that. You could never be sure that you could trust that he isn't passing something on to you.


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## blue_bayou (Mar 29, 2016)

alte Dame said:


> I would bet that this is actually a lifestyle for him that goes back through his entire adult life. He has always had a secret, compartmentalized, sordid secret life. You, whom he says he loves, are in one compartment, but it isn't enough for him to just have that compartment as his life. Until now he has always had his cake and eaten it, too - he has maintained respectability with a wife, and had his seamy life with pros.
> 
> I bet I am right about the years-long reality of this.
> 
> ...


He has left the house. He has started treatment on his own along with marriage counseling. I just need time and space to think and process all of this. Not only am I worried about what the future will bring and whether or not he will do this again, I also fear about never being ever able to get over all the years of lies and cheating and carrying on like nothing, including marrying me and saying those vows. I don't know if I can ever get over that. And the fear of wasting my continued youth with someone who will suck the life out of me and being left with regret


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

blue_bayou said:


> He has left the house. He has started treatment on his own along with marriage counseling. I just need time and space to think and process all of this. Not only am I worried about what the future will bring and whether or not he will do this again, I also fear about never being ever able to get over all the years of lies and cheating and carrying on like nothing, including marrying me and saying those vows. I don't know if I can ever get over that. And the fear of wasting my continued youth with someone who will suck the life out of me and being left with regret


Spend some time alone and figure this out. 

You will be ok if this M doesn't work out.


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

blue_bayou said:


> He has left the house. He has started treatment on his own along with marriage counseling. I just need time and space to think and process all of this. Not only am I worried about what the future will bring and whether or not he will do this again, I also fear about never being ever able to get over all the years of lies and cheating and carrying on like nothing, including marrying me and saying those vows. I don't know if I can ever get over that. And the fear of wasting my continued youth with someone who will suck the life out of me and being left with regret




Don't fall for the manipulation. He has a nice hold over you from what I can tell from your posts. ()

With the age difference you two have, how did you meet ?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

blue_bayou said:


> He has left the house. He has started treatment on his own along with marriage counseling. I just need time and space to think and process all of this. Not only am I worried about what the future will bring and whether or not he will do this again, I also fear about never being ever able to get over all the years of lies and cheating and carrying on like nothing, including marrying me and saying those vows. I don't know if I can ever get over that. And the fear of wasting my continued youth with someone who will suck the life out of me and being left with regret


Considering everything you know now, I think the most likely outcome if you stay is living your fears and then some.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Think about the overall scenario here. You are still young enough to start fresh and it be almost new. The longer you stay with hom, the less time you will have to heal and find yourself. Not only that, but he is in his mid 50s and leading a very sick lifestyle. Would it surprise you if he didn't make it past 65? Do you want to be a 45 year old with a 65 year old guy who has done nothing to maintain your trust?

You are better than this. You have your entire life ahead of your. Out him behind you and move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blue_bayou (Mar 29, 2016)

sparrow555 said:


> With the age difference you two have, how did you meet ?


We met at work. He had a position of authority, but was not my manager nor anyone I reported to. He has helped me with my career... Not by giving me anything but by being a mentor and offering his long experience in our field to give me advice and connections. My abilities helped me to have success but he was definitely instrumental in some of that as I met him at the beginning of the start of my career. 

He has also always been the high earner. While we share the bills now that we are married, it wasn't always that way I paid my own bills and helped with some household bills and food, etc, but he paid the majority (rent, cable, phone etc) until we got married. Now we share 50/50 as we did the wedding. And I have very little to fall back on while he has substantial retirement assets. It is, of course, a real problem. After foolishly spending a lot of my own money on the wedding the dress the honeymoon, etc, I have nothing to fall back on to go out on my own. I feel so foolish. 

I never thought I'd be here. I honestly trusted him 100% the entire relationship


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

You know why divorce is so expensive? Because it's worth it! 

I'm losing over $100K in assets in my divorce, which will be completed in a few months. But it's all worth it to have a happy life. You can always earn more money tomorrow. Living with regret down the road is a lot harder to swallow.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

You do get something in the divorce, and of course he has more, he has 20 years of work more than you. You will get back on your feet and be fine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

blue_bayou said:


> This is something I've been battling. He seems remorseful, taking accountability for his actions and very sorry for what he has done to me. And then there's a tiny part of him that is almost relieved he got caught... Like how long would this have gone on if he didn't get caught, because I was completely clueless and never thought he would do something like this.
> 
> So is he truly sorry he betrayed me and our marriage? Or that he got caught, publicly humiliated and lost his job?
> 
> ...


Cheaters never stop lying.

Ask his first wife.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

@blue_bayou quote:
He has been taking testosterone supplements in order to boost his performance in the gym and his sex drive 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Unless these are "prescription" pills they are ineffective. They are more on the placebo shelf than on the efficacy shelf. They do not boost Testosterone. 

If they are prescription pills then they are somewhat effective. I do not believe that they are prescribed any more in the U.S. They can cause liver damage.

The industry has moved from pills to patches to Gels and Injections. All of these require a prescription from a licensed physician.

The only other way he could have gotten "real" pills is from a foreign source, i.e., India, China...online. Illegal.

He is lying....again. This is a feeble excuse. And as mentioned, inaccurate to the real reasons for his sorry-ass behavior. 

He is a basket case....move on and up. Upgrade time!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Your gut is already telling you what you need to do - move on. 

If you stay with him, he will never do the heavy work in therapy to get to the bottom of his whole mess. He won't have to.

Move on. Tell him you can be friends for now while he gets help, but no promises.


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## blue_bayou (Mar 29, 2016)

AN UPDATE: 

He has left the house and given me my space. As much as it seems easy for everyone that I just run away quickly, even to me... It's not that easy. This is a marriage, albeit a broken marriage, and 8 years of history. So my plan is to simply take it slow, put myself back together, let him do the therapy and plan for the future, whatever that may be. 

Someone suggested I be his friend for him while he's in therapy and counseling and I like that. I'm still his friend, but nothing more at this time. 

He is bipolar and he is seeing a psychiatrist, individual counselor, and marriage counseling. He's reading books and digging into the decades and - probably - lifetime of messed up behavior. I understand the roots of some things, but it doesn't mean I accept and forgive and move on, because I don't. I am seeing a counselor as well as the marriage counselor. I know there are many things that are now damaged with me that I must dissect as well if only to be able to move on in life with faith and hope in love again. I have not made any rash decisions, but have been realistic with him and myself about this process. 

Yesterday in MC, it was a little frustrating. He pretty much hijacked the whole meeting because of his reveal of his bipolar disorder and the marriage counselor was like ohhhh of course that's what I thought it was too after our first meeting, it's very apparent you exhibit all the symptoms and behavior and they went into this deep delve about the whys and the when's and oh geez how scary that you were visiting these dangerous neigborhoods for your "fix" and you were even robbed at gunpoint? Twice? Oh my! And I'm sitting here like "WTF?" Now don't get me wrong my husband of course loved the attention and I acknowledge that he is relived to put a "why" on his behavior and he is also remorseful that he exposed me to danger with his actions - my physical health and safety - but it felt like it was putting a bandaid, we have a culprit, now let's move on. 

And I'm sitting there stewing. Because I'm angry and I've been angry. And my life has been turned upside down and I didn't. Do. Anything. Wrong. I'm simply living my life being a good wife and, oh hello let's just smack you in the face with this and now you just deal with that ok? 

So the marriage counselor asks me "do you know what bipolar is?" And almost like "you don't seem very sympathetic here (my name)" which she didn't say to me but I could read all over her body language. Yes, I know what it is. I got my Bachelor's degree Psychology and even though that was a while ago, I know how to research and I'm not ignorant. Anyway, it felt very much like I became the bad guy and I wasn't being sympathetic or empathetic. 

After I explained I know exactly what it is and I know what he's dealing with I simply said, "(therapist's name), this is not one incident that I must recover from. This is something I have to deal with alongside him for the rest of my life if I choose to stay. Also, you seem to think - as he has indicated to you - that the marriage was fine before these things happened. It wasn't. You have no idea. So if I choose to move on and forgive this behavior and help him through his sickness, I also have to decide if I even want to try and fix all the OTHER things that were wrong that I can now identify as HIS doing and not just being attributed to stress in a marriage. His mood swings, his controlling behavior, his lack of intimacy and never initiating sex... And I'm just scratching the surface. So understand my lack of emotion right now is due to my digesting all of this AND the possibility of having to deal with all that too" 

Anyway. I think he felt bad everything became about him again, which it does. His kids, his crazy ex wife, his hobbies which take over all of his time... Etc etc. it's always about him
And he has acknowledged that.

So now I have space. And trying to find clarity. I agreed to continue therapy only to help both of use through the trama of this and to patiently see what evolves. He is paying the rent in our house while I live in it (we had to stop construction on the house we were building so we are still renting this one) and I am working really hard and saving all my money. And I'm sleeping. And exercising. And eating healthy. And meditating. And doing EVERYTHIG I need to "take back my power" as my friend put it to me. I know what I am capable of doing.

I feel optimistic because I am regaining my strength and I have set the terms here, which he is following diligently. He is doing absolutely everything I ask him to. 

I won't post any updates for now. 

I hair wanted to thank everyone for their words, advice, and support. I needed to vent to someone who didn't know me so I vented to hundreds of strangers (ha!) but honestly, it helped me. And it also gave me the courage to dig deeper and find out the truth (at least the truth as I low it as this point) 

I see a little glimmer of light at the end of this


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Yes, I believe the American Psychiatric Association has classified bi-polar as the inability tontell your wife the truth for the entire length of your marriage and go out and get blow jobs from prostitutes and come home like nothing has happened. 

I think they make a pill for this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds good. ONE caveat. Have a plan for when he is no longer willing to accept the current situation. It WILL happen. You need to be prepared for what you're going to do when he decides he's coming back home whether you want him to or not, or when he decides he's worked hard enough and he's done with therapy, or so on. And probably good to discuss your plans with the MC in front of him.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

blue_bayou said:


> As much as it seems easy for everyone that I just run away quickly, even to me... It's not that easy. This is a marriage, albeit a broken marriage, and 8 years of history.


Stop being a FOOL. You're a victim of the sunk cost fallacy.

You need to understand that some things aren't salvageable.

Would you rather waste another 8 years on this LOSER?!? 8's better than 16.

Oral from hookers is disgusting behavior. How long until he gives you the HIV? 

Is that what your waiting for? An STD? Cause its coming. You have no kids. RUN to a divorce attorney.

You think he cares about you AT ALL? He thinks your STUPID enough to believe "the pills made him do it".

And if you stay with this pig, you're just confirming his assessment...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

@BetrayedDad 

Stop being a FOOL. You're a victim of the sunk-cost fallacy.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

@blue_bayou



This says it all. It is not worth the time or effort.

You are a great human being and spouse. Every one of us has their limits. Your limits should be reexamined, reassessed.

Still, it IS your' call.


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