# Miserable..Not sure what to do



## socal dave (Jul 15, 2014)

H all,
This is the first time I have every posted anything regarding my personal problems. About me.... I have been married for almost 19 years and have three wonderful kids. I'm the kind of guy who doesn't get phased by many things mostly because I hate drama. I have been this way my entire life and my family (father, mother, and two brothers) is exactly the same. My mother and father divorced when I was 5 and I did not see much of my father, even when it was his weekend. he worked 12 hrs a day, 6 days a week. I no longer talk to my 81 yr old father because he decided that he did not want to be a part of my children's lives. That wasn't a difficult decision because he wasn't around much anyway when I was young. I also do not speak to my older brother. My wife is a wonderful person and I lover here a lot. She is the kind a woman who seems to love drama. Her whole family is the same way. Her family is still intact and do a lot of things together. Although I'm very jealous, I love it! To explain the drama thing, If they have a problem with something, they all prefer to complain about it and make everyone around them feel their pain, instead of taking steps to solve the problem. Basically what I do when faced with a problem. This causes frequent arguments in my household. She'll say "go complain" and I'll say, "before I complain, what are we hoping to solve". Sometimes in service situations, I will just complain. Also she has also become increasingly passive aggressive.

I know I'm rambling here.... hopefully I can straighten this out some.

Over the past few years my marriage has been under a lot of stress. She gets mad at me for a lot of little things and really puts me down... little personal attacks. (her whole family does this to each other and to their spouses). when she does this, I pull away. Sometimes I'll stand up for myself but she is better at putting me back down. This temporarily pushes me away but during that time, I don't want to take her out or sit in bed and watch tv with here because I don't want to get hammered again. Well this causes more arguments. These days Its hard to find the energy to stand up for myself so I usually just let her say her piece and I walk away. 

moving on.

four years ago, I decided to go into business for myself. My wife was on board 100%. I promised that I would not work late nights and weekends and will always be involved with the kids' activities. I feel that I have kept up this part of the deal. on top of this, I made it know that my mother, who is very wealthy, will provide support until the business gets off the ground. There was no way it would work with out that kind of help, at least without the risk of diving further into debt. The first two years, it worked out fine but over the past two years, my mother just give us checks that we didn't ask for. Very generous of her.

Now a little about my mom who is now a huge problem. She is 72 and live only a couple of miles away. she leads a very regimented live where it seem like everything is on a schedule and she'll do what ever is necessary to avoid traffic and crowds, be home before dark, reach every destination on or before schedule, etc.... Also, if we ask her to watch the kids so we can go out, we only have a three hour window before my mother starts stressing out. Very odd personality. Unfortunately I sometimes fall into doing this too and am constantly struggling with it. I don't even wear a watch because I used to be hyper aware of time. She also is one to speak her mind which is not always a good thing. I think this is the one thing my wife and my mother have in common. on the bright side, my mother is the most generous person I know. Not because she has made my life easier but she has donated several thousands of dollars to my kids' schools as well as their youth sports organizations. She donates to animal shelters and other charities. I truly believe her heart is always in the right place, even though it may not seem like it sometimes. 

Recently my wife and mother have locked horns over a variety of issues and I agree with my wife that my mother was out of line. But, depending on the situation, I tell my with that the issues have a lot to do with my mom's quirky personality and should not be taken as a personal assault. I even confronted my mother recently regarding a specific incident and she said that she didn't mean any harm by what she said and promised to be careful in the future. My wife takes everything personal and often accuses me of defending my mother, taking sides if you will, but all I'm doing is just trying to diffuse the situation. 

The kicker is yesterday I sent my other a text to check in because I normally hear from her at least once a week. My wife came unglued because apparently I should not have checked in since my mother caused the above problem. Maybe true but I didn't put that much thought into it since the above incident happened two weeks ago. This may have been the tipping point....

The position I am in now...
I do love my wife very much and although I stated the more negative things above, there is much more good in her. I don't want to subject my kids to divorce. I am a product of that and feel that my parent's divorce had a horrible, life long effect on my brothers and I. I feel that part of my childhood was destroyed because of it. I am very confused and not sure how to make my wife happy anymore and I'm not sure how to divert potential issues before they become problems. I don't want to abandon the only family I have left and I think it would be ridiculous to, right? I really want to turn this marriage around. Hopefully by the rambling above, someone could decipher my issues or at least know the questions to ask me to get closer to the root and solution of my problem.

Thanks,


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## Elane (Jul 15, 2014)

I didn't read your whole post, yet. I stopped at "I'm the kind of guy who doesn't get phased by many things mostly because I hate drama."

Tell me something. I hear this said very often. What EXACTLY does this mean? You don't like drama, so you refuse to discuss things you don't like to discuss, topics that aren't all fun and fuzzy and pink and cuddly?


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## socal dave (Jul 15, 2014)

Elane, What I mean is that I am not bothered by most negative situations to the point where I feel the need to react and add to it. that's not to say that I avoid everything. You're correct. I do avoid discussing things that I am uncomfortable addressing. I try to be positive as much as possible so yes your description is accurate. I know that I am at least an equal part on the problem.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

First, I want to congratulate you for isolating yourself/children from cancer which your father seems to be. Good for you guys.

Second, STOP being a push over. Be consistent about standing up to your wife about things you believe in/want. No matter how you feel or if you don't want to bother. Your wife knows that if he keeps nagging she will succeed. READ; Stand up for yourself!!! Don't do it JUST BECAUSE though, be reasonable.

Third, entire situation with your mom/wife seems rather petty. Your wife needs to know that your mom is NOT going away and she needs to get along with her. Same for your mom. Get them in a room, tell them both above and ask them to resolve whatever issues they have. 

Forth, I would highly suggest marriage counseling. Your wife seems rather inconsiderate and picked up many habits from her family. I think by standing up to her you can change that, but at the end of the day she will need to change it herself as well or your marriage will fall apart when you stop letting her push you over.

Overall advice, talk to your wife about all of the above and tell her EXACTLY how you feel. Before you do so though, make sure this is adult conversation (this means there will be no anger, yelling, name calling etc going on). if you sense any of that from you or your wife, ask to come back to the table when things cool off.

Think of it as "fighting rules", write them down if you have to and make sure your wife goes by it!!!

Good luck


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

You want to "divert potential issues before they develop into problems"...

Don't we all, pal. Well, basically, it's pretty easy. Just throw away every confrontational thought you have right out the window. Solves the problem, right? She's always right and you don't have to bother with anything. Um, in theory, it still doesn't work that way either. So try again.

You both need to learn to communicate differently with each other. She needs to recognize your triggers and learn to back off. You need to learn how to be assertive without losing control of your sensibilities. 

It takes patience and understanding to see someone else's point of view. Especially during disagreements. Establish certain rules like "don't talk over someone" and "no name calling or put downs". Practice taking turns with "I feel xxx when this happens. How can WE work together to change that?"

You keep putting out feelers of a pending divorce. If that's not what you want, quit talking about it.


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## socal dave (Jul 15, 2014)

Thanks DoF. Good advice.


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## socal dave (Jul 15, 2014)

Thanks for the advice Revamped.


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## Elane (Jul 15, 2014)

Dof and Revamp .... You two have it going on!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Revamped said:


> You want to "divert potential issues before they develop into problems"...
> 
> Don't we all, pal. Well, basically, it's pretty easy. Just throw away every confrontational thought you have right out the window. Solves the problem, right? She's always right and you don't have to bother with anything. Um, in theory, it still doesn't work that way either. So try again.
> 
> ...


Yep, all good advice.

Basically both OP and his wife are at the extremes when it comes to dealing with issues. 

And we all know NOTHING is good when taken to extreme.

Between your wife gossiping about it while not resolving it, to OP for ignoring it (which is not good either).

You 2 need to reach a middle ground (moderation). That's really what it's about.

It will require communication, LOTS of communication.

if you 2 can pull it off, this entire ordeal will actually make your marriage MUCH better.

But it's going to take 2 to tango, not one can do it all.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Take this from someone who has been there.

First issue is that your wife probably feels beholden to your mother for all she does for you two. In theory, a marriage is two people forging a life together, working and sweating to make a go of it. In your marriage there are three people, which means your wife competes with your mother, despite you being attentive to her, for her rightful standing in your marriage.

Second, I'm guessing that you don't defend your wife enough in her battles with your mother. And your wife is reluctant to say anything and let it fester until someone little thing sets off the bomb.

In my story, I come from a very sarcastic family. We all take digs at each other and laugh about it. My wife's family was prim and proper. So when my wife was the subject of sarcasm at family get togethers, she was easily offended. Me? I (a) thought it was funny and (b) didn't see the need to defend her. It wasn't that I didn't care or wanted to see her hurt... it just didn't occur to me that something wrong had happened. Eventually, the bomb exploded and I said "I get it now".

And yes, you confronted your mother but in your wife's eyes, too little too late.

Have a discussion with your wife. Make her realize SHE is #1. But at the same time SHE needs to realize that the woman is your mother and just as you would never come between your wife and her mother, she needs to respect the same with you. But you need to show her she won't be put in that position.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I think the solution is rather simple, but that doesn't mean it isn't difficult. You need to Speak up for yourself and put your wife in her place. I know how you feel because I was raised in a family where people do not argue and we NEVER confronted problems. Now I see how detrimental that can be to a relationship and I try not to do it with my spouse. I am not always successful and I have to push myself to say what I feel sometimes. I think you should convince your wife that marriage counseling could help. You both have issues.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

I can tell you from personal experience that allowing the idea of "divorce" to be in your head or in your vocabulary is a problem. It does not in any way help you deal with the issues going on between your wife and you. There is nothing at all that I read about the conflict that would merit divorce. Communication and conflict resolution are the twin foundations upon which every relationship develops intimacy. In other words, conflict is not to be avoided in a marriage but embraced for the new intimacy that it brings. In-law issues are just as frequent as marriages! There is nothing new or unusual about this situation. Keep the channels of communication open, express your love to your wife, and do not entertain the idea of divorce. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

A few things. I may sound like a bit of a **** here, sorry, but some of this stuff is similar to stuff I've gone through too so please this is from the heart.

#1 you are a mamma's boy to your wife. 

You need to decide who's side you're on -- your spouse's or you mom's. My recommendation is to pick your wife. This means supporting her in dealings with your mom. Sit down your mom and explain how your wife feels and set some boundaries. Let your wife know that you've done so. Stop relying on your mom so much for babysitting, find a sitter. Don't let your mom's idiosyncrasies or anxieties impact your marriage. Boundaries!

#2 exacerbating the #1 problem you're a pushover with your wife. Set boundaries with her too, and be firm about it.

"Wife, if you speak to me like that again there's going to be a big problem." And then walk out the door and go and do something fun.

Make a top 5 list of things that you'd like to improve about yourself. Start with #1, spend some time moving on that one, and when you're making progress, move on to #2.

And keep moving. Keep growing. Be the guy your wife would fantasize about. But do it for you.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

If your wife "puts you down" then she is verbally abusive to you. I get that you are afraid to rock the boat, but you really need to stand up to her. I suspect she puts your Mother down too. It is very disrespectful to take money from someone (your Mother) then turn around & bad mouth them.

I get that you love your wife, but she sounds controlling & self-centered. I wonder if she would consider marriage counseling?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Hmm... Is this your wife...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...1-need-objective-opinion-passive-husband.html

...?


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## Brafdor (Jan 27, 2014)

sounds like 2 strong personalities meeting in the arena with you in the middle


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