# Trouble ahead with ex?



## whydoIworry (Sep 22, 2011)

I'm sorry if I am posting this in the wrong section. I'm not really sure where it belongs. I'm new here and I stumbled upon this site by googling thoughts that came to my head...let me tell you my story...

To begin, we are not married, but I do hope you'll still help me. We've actually only been together for 3 months but it feels like a lifetime already. We're both around 30 years old, I have a child from a prior relationship. We met and had an instant connection. Within 10 days we told each other I love you. I was (and am) madly in love with her. Within 3 weeks we decided she move in to my house. She had been living with her family and moved basically every last thing into my home (many many many trips), changed her address with everything, switched her insurance, basically changed her life for us, and now is even getting ready to quit her second job because she has too much on her plate between work, going to school, and an internship. This would put her in a position to better concentrate on what's important, but also puts her where she will be more relying on me, financially. We went away together recently on a trip, and bought an engagement ring that is beautiful and just what she wants. All I need is to ask her dad for her hand in marriage. .... 

It should be that easy, right...

My dilemma:

When we first started dating she asked me if I was over my last relationship. I told her yes. She said, well the truth is I am not completely over mine....not that she wanted to go back to him (he cheated on her multiple times and she finally left) but that she missed certain aspects of the relationship that were good. This was just days into our relationship. I was okay with it because I knew what it was like with one of my ex's where it took my over 6 monhs to get over her. ....The bond between us grew fast and strong, and any of the 'not completely over' seemed to go away very shortly after.

In the beginning her and her ex were barely texting each other, more or less just hi how are you type things. She is the type that hates to have things bad between her and someone and would rather just keep things amlicable. However, over the last 3 or 4 weeks the texts got more frequent. On average it seems to be one or two a day. I know this is a small number compared to other threads I've read. And I've seen almost all the texts, if not all. None are threatening...they're basically movie quotes they used to think were funny, 'how are you doings', BUT some also (2 or 3 from what I recall) from him talk about him being in our area at certain points (he lives 2 hours away but has a band he plays in and from time to time comes back here) and gives her the date he will be around and says she can come....she wrote that she is busy with her work but that she would see. She told me about these events and even said I could go with her if she decided to. 

Now he knows about me, though it's only been very recent. Until Monday night, she had never really told him that I existed, but rather dropped hints like she had moved out of her parents house. So Monday night he texts her asking if she can talk. She texts sure and he calls her. She puts it on speaker and I can overhear the entire conversation. It's a lot of small talk, he asks about her personal life and she tells him everything about us, that she lives with me, etc etc. It's hard for me to get a read on him through all this and my jealous bone comes out.

Backing up a bit....I had read the texts between her and him on her cell phone at various points. I confronted her previously about them....I realize there was nothing 'damaging' in them...but I guess I just don't like the fact that she's communicating with an ex and that it went from one text a week to one or two a day. 

So this week things went bad. She got fed up with me looking through her stuff, threatened to leave, started packing up, I broke down, begged her to stay, told her I would change that I trust her, that I love her, that I am just scared. it took hours for her to calm down but in the end she did, however she decided to now put a lock on her phone. ....saying that I have no right to go through her stuff, that she is not doing anything wrong, that if he ever crossed the line of wanting to me more than just a friend that she would tell me and she would stop talking to him, that she has a right to be friends with him and that I need to just trust her. 

Last night she had unlocked her phone and was scrolling through it and I was there and glimped over and saw that the last text between her and him was a few nights ago when she told him that I was upset that they talked. He wrote that he was sorry, that he did not want to get her in trouble, and that if there were times that he should not be texting her, to let him know. She's told me point blank that the more I bring this all up the more it will make her to NOT want to stop talking to him. It's very hard for me to go through this. I trust her, I believe that she loves me, is in love with me, wants to marry me...wouldn't of gone through all the changes (and changed we contine to go through daily) if she was not sure. I just don't trust him...he did wrong by her in the past and I'm scared he will try to weasel his way back into her by playing the friend card, having her meet him to see his band...

I should add that my child's mother cheated on me before she left me, and has left me with trust issues...that was 4 years ago. 

IDK if I have something to worry about here or if I am just damaged goods. 

Side notes:
When we're home she doesn't get calls that she takes in the other room. 
I'm just about always able to reach her.
She tells me she loves me, every day.
She shows it.
Our love life is just as good as it was.


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## InsecureSecurity (Aug 7, 2011)

whydoIworry said:


> She's told me point blank that the more I bring this all up the more it will make her to NOT want to stop talking to him.


You're barely into a relationship with someone you don't know very well. I'm sure you can say that you know her now, but you've only been together for 3 months. Within 10 days you are both saying "I love you" and planning the rest of your life with each other. She still isn't completely over her last relationship and she is still in touch with someone that hurt her very badly. All I can say to you is to not get used to your current situation. She moved in with you quickly in what seems to be rebound mode. She looked to you to replace her last ****ty boyfriend, but decided that even though she loves you she still wants to be "just friends." It is very rare (and some would say impossible) for two people of the opposite sex to be "just friends." Either one of both of them will end up saying or doing something that will invalidate your relationship with your girlfriend. It's just a matter of time. 

The fact that she has locked you out of her phone and threatened to leave over her "privacy" shows that she is in no way or shape, ready to have a relationship with you yet. I would be lying if I didn't say she more than likely has already started some sort of relationship back with him. When you love someone you don't freak out over something as silly as looking at a phone. You do that when you know you've done something wrong and you don't want your SO to know what you've been up to. Be very careful.

Do not, under any circumstance, marry this woman right now. You need to seriously consider if you can be with the type of person that when still in the early phase of a relationship, would put herself in a situation that could seriously hurt you emotionally. Do what's best for you. You may love this woman right now, but 6 months from now when you find out she's been using you for a paycheck and a warm bed to go to you may not be so amicable.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

It would seem that you're in her rebound-like relationship.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

whydoIworry said:


> So this week things went bad. She got fed up with me looking through her stuff, threatened to leave, started packing up, I broke down, begged her to stay, told her I would change that I trust her, that I love her, that I am just scared. .


Bad move, captain. This woman sounds like a volcano waiting to erupt. And a leech. Yuck. You've been together only 3 months and she's already moved in all her stuff, is quitting jobs to be more financially dependent on you AND she is still having contact with her ex? Let her move out. By beggining and pleading you just lost about 90 points out of 100. When someone treats your poorly you tell them they can GTFO of your life, that you deserve better. You don't grovel and ask them to mistreat you some more, which is what she did. 

Any relationship where you are already proclaims I love you within ten days of meeting is going way to freaking fast. Seriously.



whydoIworry said:


> it took hours for her to calm down but in the end she did, however she decided to now put a lock on her phone. ....saying that I have no right to go through her stuff, that she is not doing anything wrong, that if he ever crossed the line of wanting to me more than just a friend that she would tell me and she would stop talking to him, that she has a right to be friends with him and that I need to just trust her. She's told me point blank that the more I bring this all up the more it will make her to NOT want to stop talking to him.


She's cheating on you with him. Read and re-read that over and over. And you begged her to stay with you. 





whydoIworry said:


> he did wrong by her in the past and I'm scared he will try to weasel his way back.


He's already doing that. And she's playing right into it.



whydoIworry said:


> IDK if I have something to worry about here or if I am just damaged goods.


You aren't damaged goods but what you are is not too bright if you think she is good news.

As far as your handle "Why do I worry?"--it's very fitting to your situation. You worry because your gut is firing off left and right how very wrong all of this feels--because in fact, it is wrong.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

She told you she's not over him, she texts him increasingly, locks her phone, and you grovel before her and tell her you trust her? I think you're right to trust her. She said she's not over him and it looks like she told you the truth.

If you marry this woman, it will be no surprise when you're back on here in 6 months saying that you discovered her affair with her ex.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

OH yeah ... totally forgot about that -- NEVER get involved with someone who tells you point blank they are "not over" their ex. That is a red flag hitting up upside the head if there ever was one! 

And I would *run* away from anyone who told me they loved me within 10 days of knowing me. Another huge red flag. 

Re: your thread title--trouble ahead? No, dear, there was trouble before. You just pretended it wasn't there because you wer edoped on the high of meeting someone. Figure out why you are attracted to someone who is wishy-washy and why you aren't accepting of reality even when it's smacking you in the face... 

Just saying.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT marry her. Unless you want a repeat of your ex-wife. Because it's bound to happen. Promise.


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## whydoIworry (Sep 22, 2011)

I should add that her and her ex ended in the beginning of May. I don't know if that plays a difference any in talking about a rebound relationship as far as whether it was enough of a time from now.

Also, I should add that we are on two different cell phone carriers right now and to save money are closing her account and adding a line on mine for her. With this I would be able to see all calls/texts from her phone and I would think that would show a trust part for me....or am I blind?

Another thing...she is friends with a couple of ex's, none of whom though live close and all of whom know about us.

I don't know about the 'starting a relationship back with him already part'. I've seen her phone logs (can't delete just one call, has to erase all), and same with texts, would have to delete entire thread and she has kept it because it has stuff from their arguing in the past, and nothing seems to indicate THIS.

I think (or at least convinced myself to believe) that's she has freaked out because we've argued over this same thing at least half a dozen times...meaning me checking her phone. I don't think I wrote that in my original message, there was just so much to get out....






InsecureSecurity said:


> You're barely into a relationship with someone you don't know very well. I'm sure you can say that you know her now, but you've only been together for 3 months. Within 10 days you are both saying "I love you" and planning the rest of your life with each other. She still isn't completely over her last relationship and she is still in touch with someone that hurt her very badly. All I can say to you is to not get used to your current situation. She moved in with you quickly in what seems to be rebound mode. She looked to you to replace her last ****ty boyfriend, but decided that even though she loves you she still wants to be "just friends." It is very rare (and some would say impossible) for two people of the opposite sex to be "just friends." Either one of both of them will end up saying or doing something that will invalidate your relationship with your girlfriend. It's just a matter of time.
> 
> The fact that she has locked you out of her phone and threatened to leave over her "privacy" shows that she is in no way or shape, ready to have a relationship with you yet. I would be lying if I didn't say she more than likely has already started some sort of relationship back with him. When you love someone you don't freak out over something as silly as looking at a phone. You do that when you know you've done something wrong and you don't want your SO to know what you've been up to. Be very careful.
> 
> Do not, under any circumstance, marry this woman right now. You need to seriously consider if you can be with the type of person that when still in the early phase of a relationship, would put herself in a situation that could seriously hurt you emotionally. Do what's best for you. You may love this woman right now, but 6 months from now when you find out she's been using you for a paycheck and a warm bed to go to you may not be so amicable.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I agree with the other posters, you two are taking things much too fast. She is not yet over her ex, and the louse is trying to reignite her feelings for him.

I don't know if she is deliberately using you, but you need to tell her that she is playing with fire by texting and phoning this guy. As hard as it is, I would ask her to move out if she refuses to give up this relationship.


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## whydoIworry (Sep 22, 2011)

She told me that after a few days of us dating. She had subsequently told me about a month or so later that she no longer feels that way any more, that things with her have changed that all -- she would refer to little things like before a certain song would make her think about him and now no longer does...etc.


The texting I should of said, always initiated from his side, meaning he will text her and she responds...following the timeline on the texts on her phone I can tell that...she never says hi first.

I realize that to the outside world looking in, I look like someone who is simply trying to find justification and an answer for each thing everyone here is trying to make me see, but this is very hard. I really am in love with this woman and I find it hard to understand why she would go through all these steps (including asking me to ask her dad for permission to marry her) if there any chance of us not happening. 



PHTlump said:


> She told you she's not over him, she texts him increasingly, locks her phone, and you grovel before her and tell her you trust her? I think you're right to trust her. She said she's not over him and it looks like she told you the truth.
> 
> If you marry this woman, it will be no surprise when you're back on here in 6 months saying that you discovered her affair with her ex.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

whydoIworry said:


> I should add that her and her ex ended in the beginning of May. I don't know if that plays a difference any in talking about a rebound relationship as far as whether it was enough of a time from now.


From the content and tone of your posts, I'm guessing that you're in your late teens or early twenties. I remember well those salad days of jumping head-long from one "forever" relationship straight into the next one in a matter of days. While it's fun at the time, and believe me that dopamine high you're getting is as good a feeling as you can get, you'll see with maturity and wisdom that it's a silly way to live.



whydoIworry said:


> I think (or at least convinced myself to believe) that's she has freaked out because we've argued over this same thing at least half a dozen times...meaning me checking her phone. I don't think I wrote that in my original message, there was just so much to get out....


The best advice we can give you is to hit the brakes. Don't add her to your cell phone plan. Let her move back into her parents' house. Let her talk to her ex. Get your ring back. Don't ever beg her for ANYTHING! Date her casually for a minimum of 6 more months to see how things develop. Date other girls at the same time. You may fall head over heels in love with one of them, too.

Once you decide to marry, you shouldn't marry anyone who demands secrecy from you. And you shouldn't marry anyone who maintains any level of relationship beyond acquaintance with an ex.

Good luck.


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## whydoIworry (Sep 22, 2011)

I don't think she is deliberately using me. It was I that asked her to move in, I that suggested she quite her p/t job to concentrate on school more. 

And I should of added more detail originally...but there was more than one instance where she threatened to move out that if I couldn't trust her that she didn't want to be with me...and (and I know what everyone is going to say to this), it was I that apologized and asked her not to leave and that we'd work on it. 

I guess part of me is looking at this as if there WAS something going on, that they texts would be way more frequent, that there would be phone calls, that she wouldn't be so affectionate and loving and caring and always be talking about our future....

Something else....she also says that she has jealously issues too...like she likes knowing that other girls out there want what she has (i.e. me -- not bragging, I'm sorry if that comes off like that but it's just what she has told me) but that she couldn't handle it if someone ever touched or tried to touch me. 






lovesherman said:


> I agree with the other posters, you two are taking things much too fast. She is not yet over her ex, and the louse is trying to reignite her feelings for him.
> 
> I don't know if she is deliberately using you, but you need to tell her that she is playing with fire by texting and phoning this guy. As hard as it is, I would ask her to move out if she refuses to give up this relationship.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Good advice, Why. We can clearly see that you are lost in the fog of new love. Do not let your heart overrule your head on this one. If the relationship is meant to be, it will develop on its own course.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

whydoIworry said:


> I realize that to the outside world looking in, I look like someone who is simply trying to find justification and an answer for each thing everyone here is trying to make me see, but this is very hard. I really am in love with this woman and I find it hard to understand why she would go through all these steps (including asking me to ask her dad for permission to marry her) if there any chance of us not happening.


Girls are silly. There are, at a minimum, tens of thousands (I'm being very conservative here) of girls that are currently engaged to men that they're either not really in love with, or while they also have romantic feelings for another man as well.

Your girlfriend corresponds with her ex with increasing regularity. You told her this upsets you and she responded by telling you to jump in a lake and locking her phone. If you want to marry into that situation, good luck. If I were her father, I would tell you to run for the hills.


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## whydoIworry (Sep 22, 2011)

I told her it upsets me and she would tell me over and over that there is nothing to any of it, and a couple of times did let me look over the text thread. The locking only came this last time after the probably 6th time we had a big fight about this all. I keep telling myself that if I HAD found something to be concerned about in the texts and that THEN she had locked it, that THAT would be a red flag. but as late as last night I saw the texts and there were none between them since that other night.

Please everyone don't think I am ignoring your advice...this is just all a lot for me to take in....




PHTlump said:


> Girls are silly. There are, at a minimum, tens of thousands (I'm being very conservative here) of girls that are currently engaged to men that they're either not really in love with, or while they also have romantic feelings for another man as well.
> 
> Your girlfriend corresponds with her ex with increasing regularity. You told her this upsets you and she responded by telling you to jump in a lake and locking her phone. If you want to marry into that situation, good luck. If I were her father, I would tell you to run for the hills.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

whydoIworry said:


> I should add that her *and her ex ended in the beginning of May*. I don't know if that plays a difference any in talking about a rebound relationship as far as whether it was enough of a time from now.


By your math, yes, you are the rebound. You said:

_*We've actually only been together for 3 months *but it feels like a lifetime already. We're both around 30 years old, I have a child from a prior relationship. We met and had an instant connection. Within 10 days we told each other I love you. I was (and am) madly in love with her. Within 3 weeks we decided she move in to my house. _

3 months, so you started dating in June? Meaning she had JUST broken up with her ex the month prior, in May and she told you she's not over him. I find it hard to believe how anyone in the world coul tell someone new the "love" them and at the same time they are "not over" the ex who caused them incredible amount of heartache/pain. Doe snot compute.

This girl is playing you. Hard. And you are rolling over. Why ar eyou so emotinoally attached after only 3 months. Why were you willing to let her move in all her sh!t after 3 weeks of dating only? Why are you shopping engagement rings only 3 months in when she's taking with her ex behind your back??? WHY?



PHTlump said:


> From the content and tone of your posts, I'm guessing that you're in your late teens or early twenties.


He said they are both 30. 



whydoIworry said:


> I don't think she is deliberately using me. It was I that asked her to move in, I that suggested she quite her p/t job to concentrate on school more.


Oh, really? Wow. You have got it BAD. You may not think she is using you but you are setting yourself up to be used, abused and walked all over.

You need to read the MANNING up threads in the Men's Clubhouse forum. You gave way too much of yourself way too fast and she knows how to play you like a fiddle. She is smart and does not have your best intentions. Know that. 

As a woman, I can tell you point blank, she is playing you.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

You are operating under the influence. Chemicals. Some call it love, this is more lust. It is quite normal, we all have it in our early relationships.

I dated a girl like this in college. They are never single. They move from one R to the next, usually they have one in the hoper before they jump and always an "ex" that is ever present. They make you feel like you knew them forever and it is soo comfy! The reality is, you are likely in for a world of hurt. I hope I'm wrong.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Dude.

WAY TOO FAST!!!!!

She had the previous relationship end in May, and by August you two are planning a wedding? 



Even if things with the other dude were really over (which they aren't), that would still be WAY too fast to be in a serious relationship. 

Rebound. Rebound. Rebound. 

Slow things down a lot and just see where the next 6 months lead you. You need to find out a lot more about this woman.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

WhydoIworry, please listen to everything Jellybeans said. Jelly is well known on this board for repeated spot on advice and seeing the future in these situations. She is, in my opinion, spot on once again here.

You are in denial. Wake up. 

I don't think you need to end the relationship, but you need to slow down and treat her like a girlfriend, not a fiance or wife. Just date her, see if she wants to commit to you. It sounds like you are forcing the issue and she is rebeling big time. Back off. You don't need to break up with her, but back off.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> WhydoIworry, please listen to everything Jellybeans said. Jelly is well known on this board for repeated spot on advice and seeing the future in these situations. She is, in my opinion, spot on once again here.


Well, thank you. Now if only I could see into my own future...


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

whydoIworry said:


> Also, I should add that we are on two different cell phone carriers right now and to save money are closing her account and adding a line on mine for her. With this I would be able to see all calls/texts from her phone and I would think that would show a trust part for me....or am I blind?



Bad move. You are going to assume the financial liability of her cell phone?


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## whydoIworry (Sep 22, 2011)

Sorry, I misspoke. I mean April. She was justover 2 months broken up with him.

I let her move in because I believed and believe she is the 'one'. I've dated dozens and dozens of girls since I was 17, I've had dozens of gf's...I've never felt love for someone like I do for her. ...I don't know what qualifies as talking with her ex bf behind my back....meaning, she has told me from time to time that he texted her something, she even took the call right in front of me, and she wasn't trying to hide me from him or vice versa.

I'll read that thread you referred to. 

Really very lost in all this...this morning she's texted me several times and called me 3 times. Probably a total of 40 minutes on the phone between the 3. I've been there where who I was with was playing me, and doing what I am concerned about now...and I know how they were in all of it....very short calls, or wouldn't pick up phone when I call or short answers, lack of concern, things like that. She's not doing this.

I'm afraid to tell you something even more serious we've done together.....



Jellybeans said:


> By your math, yes, you are the rebound. You said:
> 
> _*We've actually only been together for 3 months *but it feels like a lifetime already. We're both around 30 years old, I have a child from a prior relationship. We met and had an instant connection. Within 10 days we told each other I love you. I was (and am) madly in love with her. Within 3 weeks we decided she move in to my house. _
> 
> ...


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## whydoIworry (Sep 22, 2011)

But do they usually operate like this...moving everything...(and when I say everything I mean enough to fill one of those small to mid size uhaul trucks without even bringing any furniture). Why go through all that work and sweat if you're just looking to hop again soon.




Locard said:


> You are operating under the influence. Chemicals. Some call it love, this is more lust. It is quite normal, we all have it in our early relationships.
> 
> I dated a girl like this in college. They are never single. They move from one R to the next, usually they have one in the hoper before they jump and always an "ex" that is ever present. They make you feel like you knew them forever and it is soo comfy! The reality is, you are likely in for a world of hurt. I hope I'm wrong.


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## whydoIworry (Sep 22, 2011)

Forcing what issue? Moving in? marriage...the job? 

She said something similar to me with saying that if I keep forcing the issue about the texts that she'd rebel more and more. 

I don't know how to roll things back at this point even if I wanted to. We live together and it's no small feat to bring it all back to her parents....and if we did, I wonder if that would basically seal the deal showing that it's ME that doesn't want us where we are at this point...

And yes, I can see that Jelly is being very helpful and I don't want anyone to think I am rejecting your advice...I am just trying to figure it all out for myself and absord everything you're saying. I have also talked to friends IRL who are (obviously) much closer to me and the situation and they give me advice as well on this all and it's hard with so much conflict....



Gabriel said:


> WhydoIworry, please listen to everything Jellybeans said. Jelly is well known on this board for repeated spot on advice and seeing the future in these situations. She is, in my opinion, spot on once again here.
> 
> You are in denial. Wake up.
> 
> I don't think you need to end the relationship, but you need to slow down and treat her like a girlfriend, not a fiance or wife. Just date her, see if she wants to commit to you. It sounds like you are forcing the issue and she is rebeling big time. Back off. You don't need to break up with her, but back off.


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## whydoIworry (Sep 22, 2011)

Yes, it's $9.99 for the additional line plus data which is a lot less than the $80 something a month she pays now. 

On one hand it's a money saver, on the other it's also I way for me to monitor things as well, although it seems as though everyone is telling me to walk the other way...




aug said:


> Bad move. You are going to assume the financial liability of her cell phone?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I don't have anything to add that is better than what the previous excellent posters have written. I will just add to the cautionary chorus - I doubt that you will listen because you are too deep into the fog of in love. I am not making light of your feelings but just very worried about you. 

You have put yourself and all of your valuable assets at the feet of this woman for whom you know virtually nothing. From what I can see, she has gained a lot from "changing her life for your" ( I don't really believe that she changed for you). She gets to move out from her parents, gets a man to support her financially, gets to show off to an ex who she still has feelings for but who dumped her, she treats you like your feelings don't matter. She got all of the benefits and you get to watch her flirt with an ex like you are her b***h. 

She regards the continued contact with the ex as more important than the man who has opened his life and pocketbook to her, the man who rescued her from the despair of a broken heart, the man who offers her love, understanding and care. He has to beg her to keep accepting his gifts while she bask in the attention from the ex who is really the most important man in her life. 

You don't see it that way but I'll bet you good money I am right. She is not in love with you, she took what you gave up because it cost her nothing. You asked for one thing, stop contact with the ex and concentrate on meeting your needs and your answer was no. She will give you nothing yet you still give. 

For once in your life, put you and your feelings first do that from now on and you will decrease the chances of getting a user woman. Tell her to cut the contact with the ex now, never lock her phone or email tell him not to contact her because set is in a new relationship and has no time for him. If she refuses then tell her to move her azzzz along with her cheating bf text back to her parents.

I am certain her ex will use the opportunity to comfort her then continue to cheat. At first you will be devastated but you will soon realize that you were really miserable and that she was not the love of your life. She will be back with the ex in no time as a booty call most likely but that's not your problem. 

Man the efff up!! Stop giving so much of yourself until you get equal in return. Never give more than you get - it never works. People don't love based on how much you give but how respect what you have to give and what they give to you. You are too valuable a man to be effed over so, protect your assets and value yourself. 

I don't think you will do this but I hope by some miracle you will find the strength to change the way you are thinking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whydoIworry (Sep 22, 2011)

Something else to add... I have a child with my ex...it's been 4 years since we separated. for first 3 years her and i did not talk, and in the beginning things were really bad. this last year things started to change and we now talk more often and she even talks to my parents often and is getting close again. our son has a movie night at school coming up and my ex is on the PTA and she will be there that night (a night he is with me, we have split custody) and she wants me to bring our son to the movie night and she is going to be there too. ...well I told my gf about this and first thing she said was "well I am going to be there too" .... now IDK if I am just adding fuel to the fire here on this thread, meaning this is only more reason why I should of never apologized and stood my ground on her talking to her ex while she gets worried about me dealing with me when I have a legitimate reason to do so....


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## whydoIworry (Sep 22, 2011)

Catherine,

I really appreciate your words. And I do think you are right about me and being too deep in this fog...at least for now...I don't mean to not take advice here but this is very hard for me and frankly, I'm scared. I don't want to believe I made a mistake....
Just to clarify...she left him...I'm not sure what she is showing off to him really; if anything she is building our relationship up telling him I own my house, have a successful career, that we took a lavish trip together, etc. 

That paragraph "she regards the continued.." really hit home with me. It's like you said everything that was bottled up in my heart.

My needs are being met, except for this one...

....she had said the last time we fought that she should cheat since that's all I am doing is accusing her of it. IDK if she'd really go back to him, because she knows how much he sleeps around she'd probably just want to move on. 

It's amazingly hard to 'man up' for some reason for me with her. I just don't get it....





Catherine602 said:


> I don't have anything to add that is better than what the previous excellent posters have written. I will just add to the cautionary chorus - I doubt that you will listen because you are too deep into the fog of in love. I am not making light of your feelings but just very worried about you.
> 
> You have put yourself and all of your valuable assets at the feet of this woman for whom you know virtually nothing. From what I can see, she has gained a lot from "changing her life for your" ( I don't really believe that she changed for you). She gets to move out from her parents, gets a man to support her financially, gets to show off to an ex who she still has feelings for but who dumped her, she treats you like your feelings don't matter. She got all of the benefits and you get to watch her flirt with an ex like you are her b***h.
> 
> ...


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

whydoIworry said:


> I told her it upsets me and she would tell me over and over that there is nothing to any of it, and a couple of times did let me look over the text thread. The locking only came this last time after the probably 6th time we had a big fight about this all. I keep telling myself that if I HAD found something to be concerned about in the texts and that THEN she had locked it, that THAT would be a red flag. but as late as last night I saw the texts and there were none between them since that other night.
> 
> Please everyone don't think I am ignoring your advice...this is just all a lot for me to take in....


If your girlfriend were texting and talking casually with a male acquaintance, it would be much less dangerous because of the steps necessary for a relationship to commence. Couples usually need to have an attraction, form a bond, establish compatibility, and eventually develop romantic feelings.

A girlfriend reconnecting with an ex is a dangerous game because it bypasses all those steps. They have a history. There is an obvious attraction. There is a compatibility. The romantic feelings were there a few months or weeks ago. It is amazingly easy to rekindle passion for an ex. Do a search on this forum for "Facebook" to see stories of people restarting relationships after decades. Believing that it matters whether she still loved this guy 12 weeks ago, or only 8 weeks ago is foolish.

And successful relationships have boundaries. Loving couples don't do things that bother their partners. If you like zombie movies, but they really upset your girlfriend, then you should show consideration to your girlfriend and not watch zombie movies with her. You shouldn't argue that it's stupid to be scared of a zombie coming through the TV screen to snatch her. Just turn on the football game. 

That's where you have failed in your interaction with your girlfriend. You were bothered by her having this communication with her ex. That's reasonable and she exhibits the same uneasiness when you talk to your ex (although you need to for your child's sake). You probably framed your request weakly and didn't explicitly say that you wanted her to stop communicating with her ex. So she ignored you and continued to talk/text with him (or even increased her frequency). And you probably came back a little firmer, but not firm enough. By this time, she knows that you want her to stop talking to him. And she has locked her phone. It doesn't matter that you haven't caught her sexting with him. What matters is that she's doing something that she well understands causes you pain and anguish. That's not loving. It's cruel.

Go to the Men's Clubhouse and read the Man Up threads. It's the best thing you can do in this situation, and for your future relationship(s). She's practically begging you to do it. Since you seem very bothered by her involving another man in your relationship, and you ended a prior relationship because of cheating, I assume you're unwilling to share your girlfriend with her ex. If that's true, calmly and firmly tell her to choose him or you. If she chooses you, that means no further contact with him (and you get to see her phone to verify it). If she refuses, you should choose him on her behalf and help her move back to her parents' house.

Also, sorry about missing your age. Sometimes the fog of love can make us all act like teenagers.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

whydoIworry said:


> ....she had said the last time we fought that she should cheat since that's all I am doing is accusing her of it. IDK if she'd really go back to him, because she knows how much he sleeps around she'd probably just want to move on.


That's called blame shifting. She's not the unreasonable one for hurting you by talking to her ex. You're the unreasonable one for being hurt. Don't fall for it.


whydoIworry said:


> It's amazingly hard to 'man up' for some reason for me with her. I just don't get it....


It's hard because you're scared. It's understandable. We've all been there. But caving in to her unreasonable behavior because you're scared to lose her sets a terrible precedent whereby it will be easier to do it again in the future. It certainly won't be any easier to put your foot down after you're married, with joint back accounts, retirement plans, and a kid or two together.

Look at it this way. This is a golden opportunity for you to reset your relationship with her in a much more positive way. You get to insist that she cater to ALL your needs. Not all but one. Trust me, that one will become a bigger and bigger deal over time. In return for that, you are willing to cater to all her needs.

The fact is that, if she's unwilling to cater to all your needs now, she will not be any more willing in 5 years, or 15, or 30. Nobody ever salvaged a shaky relationship by rushing into marriage and hoping it would magically change. You've got to make it change. If you have a perfect relationship before you get married, there's still a decent chance your marriage will fail at some point. If you have a shaky relationship before you get married, there's an excellent chance it will fail.


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