# Letter to WS (a work in progress)



## pmiller (Jun 2, 2012)

I have another long story in a separate thread here... after a lot of consideration over the last few months, I have come to the realization that my WS and I must at least separate.. D is probable. Here is my letter to her so far, like the title suggests, it is a work in progress.

Also, many thanks to RobX.. your posts have made words out of the confusion in my head.. much appreciated. Oh and uhh, please don't sue me for plagiarism, I have enough crap to deal with at the moment..lol

(go go gadget backbone!!)
==================Letter to WS===================

Look, I get it, you have feelings for someone else and I'm not going to stand in the way of you and those feelings. I can't and I won't. Those are your feelings and I can't talk them away or convince you to feel something different because we both know that doesn't work. However, I can't waste anymore time on this with you, too much time has already been wasted on this issue, this time and the last. I can't be with someone who has feelings for someone else, it's not fair to me and I realize now that I need to be real with you as well as myself. You should be with him, I won't stand in your way. I won't waste any more effort on this and we can begin the process of separation and divorce.

By starting another affair, you have demonstrated to me that you do not love, value, respect or care about me whatsoever. I will not tolerate you lying to me, hiding things from me or being dishonest. Time and time again you have also proven to me that I cannot trust you. Since you have shown me that this is how you are going to act and the way being married to you is going to be, I will not wait around for you any longer. 

You told me that if we split up that you still wanted us to be friends. We both have issues with ourselves and with each other that will make this difficult. I don't want to have a friend that doesn't respect me or isn't trustworthy. I don't expect that you do either. 

I will be filing for a legal separation. I would suggest that we have at least 90 days in this period. During our time separated, I will be working on the issues I have and to get my own life in order. I do not plan to run out and meet someone else, I need to get my life together. I know I have done my part to wreck this relationship and I owe it to myself to resolve those issues for my own future happiness. I need to reflect on the choices that I have made and deal with the repercussions that have come because of them. I suggest you do the same. We both deserve to be happy. At the end of our separation period we can reassess where we are in life and decide if we can build something together or proceed to divorce. 

Also, during this time, the only contact we need to have with each other is in regards to the kids or financial situations that need addressed. We need to figure out a 50/50 with the kids as we both need our time with them as well as our time to reflect on ourselves. Being vengeful at this point will only hurt them more.

I will not pursue you any longer either. Asking you again to work on things at this point or begging you to try again says that I am needy and clingy. I know I have been both in the past and I will no longer be either. Considering your track record with affairs, being your partner is not in my best interest any more. I can't 'make' you stop committing adultery, but I don't have to make it easy for you to do so. You want someone else? Leave. But, if you stay in this house, you will not actively cheat in front of me and I will not financially support your ability to do so.

The money you paid on your phone bill over the weekend will be the last money I make used for it. Your cell phone is not a necessity, it is a luxury. Since you have decided that you do not want to be married to me any longer, I will not provide you with any more luxuries. 

==============End letter to WS================

Thoughts?


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

pmiller said:


> I have another long story in a separate thread here... after a lot of consideration over the last few months, I have come to the realization that my WS and I must at least separate.. D is probable. Here is my letter to her so far, like the title suggests, it is a work in progress.
> 
> Also, many thanks to RobX.. your posts have made words out of the confusion in my head.. much appreciated. Oh and uhh, please don't sue me for plagiarism, I have enough crap to deal with at the moment..lol
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

Sorry about the blank reply, I'm in bed and don't usually respond from my phone...but damn man, this and your other thread has me all fired up. You are too nice. She doesn't deserve this, and frankly this nice guy crap isn't working for you. Also, typing things like "I won't stand in the way of you and another guy" is so pathetic. Please don't say that to her. She has always needed you to lead the marriage and family. You were supposed to be the dominant one that protected and fought for your family. I'm sorry to say that you have failed, and admitting as much in this goodbye letter is pathetic. You aren't responsible for her serial cheating ways, at all. But I am saying that if your reactions, and actions, to her affairs had been different you might have had a different outcome. Or maybe not. But do you really think she needs your permission now?

Also, I wouldn't grant her the courtesy of telling her your plans. Just do what it is you want for yourself and kids. You are at war now. In battle, one does not tell their opponent what's coming to soften the blow. For the record, I think your separation plan stinks. This will only give her the space to carry on her sordid ways in full force with your (basically) full approval and acceptance. File for divorce and don't warn her. On second thought, scrap that whole letter and just serve her with divorce papers. That will tell her everything that should be said. And finally she may realize she has a worthy opponent. Your letter just screams, "you win honey, and I give up."

If R is still an option in your mind, you really have no other hope than filing for divorce. Usually I say don't sweat it, that divorce can be stopped along the way. In your case, I really think you should divorce, and only then (if you still want her) start over with a new marriage and a new dynamic. This one just ain't working man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pmiller (Jun 2, 2012)

Baldmale: I understand your point, and I agree with you. But not, I am partially responsible for this marriage and its current state. I understand you think it's pathetic, But, I put that in there to open her eyes a little is well. She has pretty much walked all over me our entire relationship. But, I do still love her and I do still care about her. I'm sure I will for many years, Divorce is not cut and dry. 

I hope she reads this or something close to it and make better decisions for herself and our kids. I don't want our kids growing up thinking their mother's a sl*t. Not for her benefit but for theirs. I don't see this is giving her permission to do as she pleases it's more of a way for me to tell her that I'm not tolerate this behavior any longer.

Honestly, i dont think i want to go through an R with her. The chances of that working are like 0.0001%.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

pmiller said:


> I have another long story in a separate thread here... after a lot of consideration over the last few months, I have come to the realization that my WS and I must at least separate.. D is probable. Here is my letter to her so far, like the title suggests, it is a work in progress.
> 
> Also, many thanks to RobX.. your posts have made words out of the confusion in my head.. much appreciated. Oh and uhh, please don't sue me for plagiarism, I have enough crap to deal with at the moment..lol
> 
> ...


Make no mention of getting back. You already did that more than once, remember? If it happens, it happens. TBH, there is nothing to salvage here. You gave her more than enough chances. 

How do you plan to separate the finances?


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## pmiller (Jun 2, 2012)

I pretty much thing D is the only option, but how do i tell her that without her using the kids as pawns?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pmiller (Jun 2, 2012)

Finances are questionable right now, need to consult a lawyer.. but i plan to freeze my account and cancel her debit card. Will probably open a savings and put her entitlement there so she can pay for her own lawyer and not drain me either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

why do you have to freeze the account. you can just take your name off it after withdrawing most of your money from it, and canceling all future direct deposits.That way you leave her with the card, but only enough for household maintenance. I liked parts of the letter, but feel you should just file the D, that way if she has any hope of stopping it, she know what she has to do. this way you are not in limbo waiting at her wims. You have done that long enough. So now let her meet your/court schedule wims


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

You need her to do more than "open her eyes a little," she needs you to show her the way home. Like a lighthouse, steady and strong while she's being tossed about at sea in an affair. Strength and leadership does not mean nice, accepting, resigned, or doormat. 

Try this analogy: it's like you're being bullied for years and years; attack after attack comes your way. After your wife beats you to a pulp, she pulls out a knife and stabs you repeatedly in the heart. Then she sits back, cleans off the blade and takes stock of what she's done. Seeing that you're still not willing to fight, but (somehow) still alive, she decides to finish you off with a few shotgun blasts to the face. Now here you are: battered, bruised, bleeding, and with only half a head saying "Ok, honey, you win. I won't try to stop you (even though I haven't all along) with any mechanism that will give us hope. But now that you've been doing all these deadly things to me for all these years, I must tell you, I will soon begin to fight back. I'm warning you, these things may hurt, and I'm sorry in advance if they do, but I really feel that I must you give ample time and space to sleep with OM without me around to make you feel guilty. And I hope you know that as I lie here covered in the blood of your years of bullying, hatred, and attacks on our marriage I will find the strength to remove you from our cell phone family plan. Please don't be too upset with me, I just can't be bullied anymore!"


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Asking for Seperation from a wife who is in an A is like giving her permission to bang OM without the fear of getting caught or any guilt. 

At least dont pay for her A, so that she spend your hard earned money on OM.

In my opinion its time for you to file for D, not for legal separation. It wont do any good to you or your kids.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

pmiller said:


> Baldmale: I understand your point, and I agree with you. *But not, I am partially responsible for this marriage and its current state. I understand you think it's pathetic, But, I put that in there to open her eyes a little is well.* She has pretty much walked all over me our entire relationship. But, I do still love her and I do still care about her. I'm sure I will for many years, Divorce is not cut and dry.
> 
> *I hope she reads this or something close to it and make better decisions for herself and our kids.* I don't want our kids growing up thinking their mother's a sl*t. Not for her benefit but for theirs. I don't see this is giving her permission to do as she pleases it's more of a way for me to tell her that I'm not tolerate this behavior any longer.
> 
> Honestly, i dont think i want to go through an R with her. The chances of that working are like 0.0001%.


While you are responsible for 50% of the marriage, you are not responsible for the cheating. Telling her you are working on yourself sends the message that you think you are to blame for her cheating.

Second, the bold parts show you are trying to manipulate her. Your letter reeks of it. You are playing the martyr, showing her how you will change, and leaving open the possibility of reconciling. You are setting yourself up as the back-up plan. That shows more clinginess and smothering. 

Rewrite your letter ot just the facts, such as no more contact and you leaving because she clearly does not respect you. Then stop communicating with her and really work on yourself.

Problem is you


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

As a therapist you wrote the letter now burn it. File for D. You have time to stop it if she changes. You were like me in the beginning of discovery. I was pathetic even though my WS ended it almost right away.

I do not know what I would have done if I was in your shoes where the A continues other then file for D and be done with it.

You like me came here to TAM for help. I do not always like the replies but like most find them helpful and I like the variety of opinion.

I ask you to consider not sending her that letter. Your logic is not hers and how she interprets it will be another matter and more than likely not have the outcome you desire.

You expressed your feelings well and I am sorry you are here.

I suppose you want her back even in this broken state. File for D and see what happens. Give it till October and see if she comes around if she doesn't you will be that far along in the process.

Just my thoughts.


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## pmiller (Jun 2, 2012)

Letting her keep a debit card to an account in my name only opens myself up to possible financial problems if she decides to screw me with overdraft fees.

I will post more later.. have a meeting to go to (work, not lawyer)


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

I agree with the team. No separation. Straight to divorce.



> I can't 'make' you stop committing adultery, but I don't have to make it easy for you to do so. You want someone else? Leave. But, if you stay in this house, you will not actively cheat in front of me and I will not financially support your ability to do so.


I would reword this paragraph.



> I have no control over your actions or your decision to be in an adulterous affair while still married to me. But I do refuse to be married to you while you are engaged in adultery! Hence my desire for a divorce. I will no longer emotionally, physically or financially support your wayward lifestyle or one-way open marriage....


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

It's cool to write because you need to get this stuff off your chest. But, never send it to her. Send it here, send it to yourself. Fold it up, put it in a bottle and put it in the ocean if you must, but don't send it to her. It only makes you look like a p**sy. Sorry to say that. Man up. I assume you have balls. Make them proud to be yours.

Talk to those on TAM, show your softer side here, but when it comes to a ww spouse, you don't take no sh*t. You don't bend to *her* way.


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## pmiller (Jun 2, 2012)

Not sure if she will ever see it.. maybe its best that way and way for me to get things off my chest.
Have appts to consult with lawyers.. will see how it goes
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## robx (Sep 20, 2011)

pmiller said:


> (go go gadget backbone!!)


I read this and I smiled, 
the letter is a good first step in the right direction, a little long perhaps and I would probably edit it and make it more brief but you I think you get the point.

Nice job on this, 
time to start spending the bulk of your time focusing on and working on yourself, taking care of your kids if you have any, being the best father you can to them by being the best person you can be for yourself.

What your wife chooses to do is her business, you just continue to focus on the things you can do that improve your life going forward.

- thanks for the honorable mention


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