# Am I over reading things?



## IsitReallyOver (Mar 2, 2016)

This is my first time posting here. I have searched relentlessly trying to help find a scenario similar to mine. Here it goes.. would anyone find it strange that a a co worker that your husband worked with (female) followed him to his new job when he quit the other one that he worked with her at. So let me rephrase that he actually got her the job with him? For the longest time he would push that I go out for drinks with this woman, have our daughters hang out till I finally said we have nothing in common! Since the type of work they are in requires them to be in close contact example: phone calls, text messages, meetings outside of the home and travelling to meetings for work outside of town. I have made it very clear that I dont care to hear about her! I mean he even knows the types of food that upset her belly because of her IBS! Another thing he has jumped on the bang wagon with his working out he has insisted that he needs to have a six pack for the summer time, what he is perfect in my eyes, not overweight and looks fabulous for early 40s. I keep myself in good shape as well and maintain a clean home, run our children to to all events, also I work full time too. It seems that the only thing we have in common is sex. We have sex at least once a week and I have no complaints there. He just seems distant and when I say something he says he is busy with work and he isolates himself away from me and the kids. I guess I am looking for someone to look at this from a different angle and let me know if I am looking at this situation with rose colored glasses.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

IsitReallyOver said:


> This is my first time posting here. I have searched relentlessly trying to help find a scenario similar to mine. Here it goes.. would anyone find it strange that a a co worker that your husband worked with (female) followed him to his new job when he quit the other one that he worked with her at. So let me rephrase that he actually got her the job with him? For the longest time he would push that I go out for drinks with this woman, have our daughters hang out till I finally said we have nothing in common! Since the type of work they are in requires them to be in close contact example: phone calls, text messages, meetings outside of the home and travelling to meetings for work outside of town. I have made it very clear that I dont care to hear about her! I mean he even knows the types of food that upset her belly because of her IBS! Another thing he has jumped on the bang wagon with his working out he has insisted that he needs to have a six pack for the summer time, what he is perfect in my eyes, not overweight and looks fabulous for early 40s. I keep myself in good shape as well and maintain a clean home, run our children to to all events, also I work full time too. It seems that the only thing we have in common is sex. We have sex at least once a week and I have no complaints there. He just seems distant and when I say something he says he is busy with work and he isolates himself away from me and the kids. I guess I am looking for someone to look at this from a different angle and let me know if I am looking at this situation with rose colored glasses.


Very strange indeed. Could he have pushed you to hang with her in hopes it would lead to a threesome? Them going to a new job together seems really odd.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

I've seen this work situation happen quite often where colleagues will get each other jobs at their new place of employment, weird, but I've seen it a lot. 

But....I'd be worried. It all sounds a little too close and familiar. How long ago did he encourage you to befriend her? If nothing else, it sounds like he's definitely getting some attention and some emotional needs met. 

I worked with a married woman who always claimed she had a perfect marriage, but then, once another coworker started to show her some attention, she was suddenly "working more hours" and needed to "discuss patient cases" via text and phone calls. It eventually turned into"meetings" in the bathroom with that coworker, and "seminars" that ran late, even "mandatory continuing education" out of town in a shared hotel. 
Work relationships are scary and can get out of control really quick. 

Have you seen anything suggesting he's got his mind on more than work? Have you see his text exchanges with her?


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

Maybe he was trying to get you to befriend her to keep your suspicions at bay?


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## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

Not good, not good at all. My ex not only brought POSOW with him when he transferred offices, but had her and her family rent a vacation home down the street from our vacation home. This went on for 3 years until POSOW convinced her husband to BUY a vacation home in our same area. We all worked full time, but the two of them managed to take the same vacation days off and sick leave days, too. It was a disaster and I was accused of being a jealous wife and being rude to her and unfriendly.

Get a hold of his phone, see if he is messaging her on the phone or social media sites. 

Good Luck!


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## IsitReallyOver (Mar 2, 2016)

I am not sure why he insisted. She is married too. I dont know about a threesome? Good question... I am just confused. I could understand if I let myself go and didnt care about how I looked, stop tending to the needs of the house or quit work that he may be looking elsewhere. Our march break is coming soon and he will be away for "work" for 3 days out of town he says he will be alone, that leaves me and the kids to do our thing, although he is taking us away and when I say us that means me and the kids to weekend getaway before he leaves. I am just confused and he offers no answer besides he is stressed because of work... maybe he is stressed because he doesnt know how to let me know.


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## mjgh06 (Feb 27, 2016)

My opinion is you are over-reacting. I don't know what line of business your H is in, but many times as bosses if we find assistants that are really good at their job, and know what we expect, we want to keep them onboard. I have transferred my admins with me to new jobs on several occasions. It is hard to find a good worker that fits.

I think he made the effort to get you to meet and know her to help alleviate any fears or concerns he knew you would have. My suggestion would be to accept his offer - even if you have nothing in common, you have one thing in common - your H. 

I know I sound like the rose-colored glasses, but there are good men and women out there that can be trusted with our hearts and lives. Sounds to me like he is trying to do things right by keeping you involved.

edited to add: I knew way TMI about my admins - that didn't mean I was out of line, just part of working with people. 

As for the working out - 40's is a time for the so called mid-life crisis where we find flaws in ourselves and want to do better. Join him and start making time for yourselves as a couple. It sounds like you are having a little insecurity issue as he is as well. Time to re-connect and make the transition about the two of you getting older together.


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

It rarely has anything to do with how you look. It's usually more to do with an escape from LIFE I think. 

But anyhow....I'm assuming she is attending this out of town work thing as well?


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Actually I had the same situation years ago. I worked outside sales, she was insde the plant and everthing went though her. Some factors where different. For one I got to the maybe once a week or every other week. We did some socializing outside of work but not much. I had worked with her for several a year before before meeting my ex who worked in office admin pin the plant. A year or so after my ex started the ex and I started dating. The point I want to make clear is my ex was in the perfect position to see that I never dated or had an interest in that person. 

In any event that relationship always bugged my ex. Part of the way I tried to ease the situation was to try to get my ex to taue point on any socializing after work. I would ask my ex to set up dinner with this co-worker and who ever she was dating. I made it clear to my co-worker to handle any socializing schedule with my ex. In short just tell me where, when, and how to dress. 

So, yes it does happen but I kept ridged boundaries. I would never discuss my relationship with the co-worker. I would never discuss her, if she brought it up I would listen and suggest talking with my ex. I would then mention it to my ex and suggest she call my co-worker. 

It sounds as if this work relationship has or is beginning to cross the line into an EA. Many here suggest "not just friends". Do not hesitate to see a therapist on your own to get a reality check. Get yourself grounded first and then arrange for a sit down with him and her to discuss this matter. 

He is your husband you are his wife. The first requirement of a marriage is when the chips are down you put the other person first.


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## IsitReallyOver (Mar 2, 2016)

I appreciate all the responses. It would make sense if he was her boss and he found her valuable but that is not the case. She was a colleague and that is it. His face lights up when he talks to her on the phone. It is not like he is secretive when he speaks to her which I guess is a good thing. He will start the conversation with her and then move into a different room. One thing that burned by butt was a family member of mine was in the hospital and he took her to go and see him. Now they were in town for a business meeting but did she really need to go into the room with him to see my family member? weird! We work on our marriage everyday I believe, marriage is hard work. I have 3 little kids who need and I cant let them see me hurt. He is not a bad man by all means. Just wonder if he is scared to admit that maybe his feelings have changed, or this the role of the dice with marriage? Do we move into different levels of how our marriage plays out. The one thing we dont do anything together as a couple anymore. We went for dinner alone for the first time in many years and it was almost awkward.... we are so caught up in being mom and dad we have forgot how to communicate.


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## IsitReallyOver (Mar 2, 2016)

she is not at least not to my knowledge.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

IsitReallyOver said:


> This is my first time posting here. I have searched relentlessly trying to help find a scenario similar to mine. Here it goes.. would anyone find it strange that a a co worker that your husband worked with (female) followed him to his new job when he quit the other one that he worked with her at. So let me rephrase that he actually got her the job with him? For the longest time he would push that I go out for drinks with this woman, have our daughters hang out till I finally said we have nothing in common! Since the type of work they are in requires them to be in close contact example: phone calls, text messages, meetings outside of the home and travelling to meetings for work outside of town. I have made it very clear that I dont care to hear about her! I mean he even knows the types of food that upset her belly because of her IBS! Another thing he has jumped on the bang wagon with his working out he has insisted that he needs to have a six pack for the summer time, what he is perfect in my eyes, not overweight and looks fabulous for early 40s. I keep myself in good shape as well and maintain a clean home, run our children to to all events, also I work full time too. It seems that the only thing we have in common is sex. We have sex at least once a week and I have no complaints there. He just seems distant and when I say something he says he is busy with work and he isolates himself away from me and the kids. I guess I am looking for someone to look at this from a different angle and let me know if I am looking at this situation with rose colored glasses.


Do it find it strange? No, not at all. I have a coworker. I wanted my wife and I to do things with the coworker and coworker's BF. We also had very little in common. I knew the coworkers medical issues, the meds she takes, and how many pills etc. I also worked out to get a six pack. My wife also did not want to hear about her either.

Now, if you asked should you be concerned, I would have said "Yes, very much."


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I see trouble lurking here. He moves out of a company and gets her a job working closely with him again somewhere else and it requires that they see alot of each other would worry me. I think it's also a bad sign that he, all of the sudden, wants to get a six pack. I would watch him very carefully over the coming months. Hopefully you find nothing, but this situation is ripe for trouble.


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## IsitReallyOver (Mar 2, 2016)

so are you saying I should be concerned? I could see if he wanted me to hang out with this woman and her husband as couples it was never this way. One Halloween I agreed to go out with her, her daughter and my kids, when we got back she came in and it was like I wasnt even in the room the two of them chatted and I was left out of the conversation, that was awful in my own home.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

IRO,

Your H is in an emotional affair with this woman at a minimum, I seriously believe it is also physical. 

The fact that your H would take her to see a sick family member means she is being treated like a second wife by your H.

You need to snoop on what they are doing to the extent that you can. Work affairs can last for a long time as they have the perfect cover story, their activities are hidden and hey it's like getting paid to cheat. They have done this for so long they may feel entitled to what they are doing.

I've had one co-worker who dragged his OW from job to job with him, even though she wasn't all that good at what she did and was a complainer.

Tamat


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## IsitReallyOver (Mar 2, 2016)

Thank you everyone for your replies. I appreciate every single one of them. I guess it is time to put on the big girl pants and start digging and getting some answers. My heart does ache and I am scared to death what I may find but I will not be made a fool any longer if this is a case of emotional or physical involvement. I work in the same office with a man (very close quaters) I would never ask my husband to hang out with him. My head is spinning, lol.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

IRO,

I would also guess they are both planning on leaving their spouses, but are waiting for the "right time" which likely will never come but it leaves you in limbo forever.

At least you now know what you are dealing with, and calm down you have all the tools to kill it. 

Funny my W always leaves the room when speaking with a certain person.

Tamat


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

IsitReallyOver said:


> ...when we got back she came in and it was like I wasnt even in the room the two of them chatted and I was left out of the conversation, that was awful in my own home.


That, combined with him encouraging you to be friends with her, improving his physical appearance, neglecting his wife and kids because he's "too busy", finding her a job at his new company, frequent calls, and business travel together, all read to me as red flags. Just one or two of those might be vaguely concerning. When combined all together, though, I would say he's having an affair with her. Best case, it's "just" an EA. But I wouldn't bet on it. 

I'm so sorry. You need to do some quiet investigation. Asking him will be useless unless you have firm proof. He'll just lie about it, call you paranoid or jealous or crazy, and start hiding it a little better.


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## mjgh06 (Feb 27, 2016)

See why it is best to have all information before responding. I won't respond on the colleague part because again that depends on the business type if it is or not okay for the transfer.

For the hospital issue - no not acceptable.

For the phone calls - no not acceptable.

For the coming home convo - no not acceptable.

These are red flags that he is EA with this woman at the very least, and is so disconnected from you that he doesn't mind putting you in hurtful situation. 

So rose-colored glasses off! I wouldn't worry about getting more info before talking to him. You should discuss these issues now and set your relationship boundaries. Listen but don't listen when he responds with excuses or his justifications. Give him - Point blank not acceptable - not allowed - will not happen again attitude.

edited to ask: Is there an age difference between your H and this woman? Meaning a possibility of him thinking of her as a daughter type? I had a boss in my younger days starting my career where he was a mentor to me and treated me like I was his daughter and that was all it was ( there was over a 30yr age difference).


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## IsitReallyOver (Mar 2, 2016)

mjgh06 said:


> See why it is best to have all information before responding. I won't respond on the colleague part because again that depends on the business type if it is or not okay for the transfer.
> 
> For the hospital issue - no not acceptable.
> 
> ...


There is a only like a 5 year or so age difference and for the fact it was my family member who was in hospital burns my butt. If I do not make him happy why should be live miserable why does he stay?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

IsitReallyOver said:


> If I do not make him happy why should be live miserable why does he stay?


What incentive does he have to leave? He's not unhappy. This situation does not make him miserable. In fact, it probably makes him quite happy. He has two women meeting his needs. He has you to provide sex, laundry, cooking, childcare, social obligations, financial contributions, emotional support - the basic stuff of real life. He also has her to meet his needs for novelty, excitement, sex, affection - basic affair fantasy stuff, unburdened by any hint of reality. If he divorces you, he would only have one person meeting his needs. Not to mention that a divorce would likely have social, family and financial impacts he'd like to avoid. For him, having a wife at home and a mistress at work is the best of everything.


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## IsitReallyOver (Mar 2, 2016)

Rowan said:


> IsitReallyOver said:
> 
> 
> > If I do not make him happy why should be live miserable why does he stay?
> ...



Makes perfect sense having the best of both worlds. You know what is strange I am not pissed I am more annoyed. I have always trusted him never doubted him till I started thinking more about this "work" relationship that seems a little too close for comfort. Funny thing I always joke about him going to see his girlfriend. boy I am a fool.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

I have a question about your post when you said, "he says he will be alone" when he is going out of town this month.

How did that come up? Did you ask, "Will you be alone?" or did he volunteer this information?


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

My wife had one very close friend. She got me to hire her once. She was always staying with us for a weekend or more. We went out to dinner and dancing a lot. Both my wife and her best friend worked for me so we saw each other all the time. Then the flirting started and my wife encouraged it. Long story short, my wife is bi, her girlfriend is bi and all three of us lived together in what is called a poly triad, for most of our 40+ year marriage. My wife had a plan and after I got a crush on her friend, she sprung the trap one night when we all had too much wine to drink.

Every boss I had, was cheating on his or her wife with someone at work. Some took their assistants (girlfriends) with them when they took other jobs. So it does happen. Like your husband, my wife wanted me to get friendly with her girlfriend because she loved us both and wanted both of us in her life. It actually worked out very well. No problem. No jealousy and it continued even after our girlfriend got married. My wife loves me deeply even though she prefers sex with women. Her girlfriend prefers sex with men so it evened out for us. 

Your hubby is doing what my wife did to get her female lover into our life and not feel guilty about it. My company is like a soap opera of not who is having affairs but how many. Even the owner of our company had a long term affair with one of her VP's. When they broke up, he quit the company. I think it is always a good idea to have a healthy distrust of your spouse. Those that go around thinking that their spouse would never cheat are the easiest one's to cheat on.


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## IsitReallyOver (Mar 2, 2016)

VeryHurt said:


> I have a question about your post when you said, "he says he will be alone" when he is going out of town this month.
> 
> How did that come up? Did you ask, "Will you be alone?" or did he volunteer this information?


I asked if he would be going alone and he said yes it is a training exercise.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

IsitReallyOver said:


> so are you saying I should be concerned? I could see if he wanted me to hang out with this woman and her husband as couples it was never this way. One Halloween I agreed to go out with her, her daughter and my kids, when we got back she came in and it was like I wasnt even in the room the two of them chatted and I was left out of the conversation, that was awful in my own home.


Maybe he wants you to be friends with her, as to not suspect anything between him and her. That's my gut feeling.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

IRO,

You wrote,* Funny thing I always joke about him going to see his girlfriend. boy I am a fool. *

Actually not a fool, your H groomed you into the position of being a betrayed spouse and I would guess did it gradually. You are not the fool for trusting your H, your H is a fool for abusing and manipulating that trust.

I call it domesticating the affair, first the cheater mentions the name of the other person, then mentions other things about them, then that they went to lunch, then on a trip together. It's almost like they are working to establish the integrity of the other person so that you will trust them with your spouse.

In my case stories about the OM helping her at work, progressed to lunch, to lunch everyday, to details about his mother, to details about his bed room, to coming over the house to help with gardening, to going to lunch with me and W, I came to accept over time what would not have been acceptable immediately.

There is also the thrill of cheating in plain sight.

Tamat


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I agree with some others investigate, snoop,dig, there seems to be more going on.

one of the people my ex cheated with was invited to my house for christmas, and he went out and bought her stuff, She never showed up, which I was hoping she would so I could watch how they interacted. I was ignored when she was around too.


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## Imovedforthis (Dec 18, 2015)

I don't know... At first it seems like red flags of an affair but when you think about the fact that he's telling you about her and got her the job, etc that would indicate that there probably isn't an affair. 
I can see both sides so it's hard to say. If my hubby were to know all about a co worker and help get her a job and TOLD me about it- pretty good chance he doesn't want her. If he did, I would not hear one word about the co worker. And I hear all about all the other ones male and females.. He knows all their business they know all his- I think that's pretty normal. But when I ask about the one I'm suspicious about?? He doesn't know a thing about her... 
So I tend to lean towards he's not having an affair with her. 
Right now. I think he's in a very opportune situation to get in one though... 

I really think you guys need to get some alone time together. Weekend getaway or even a day?? Is that possible? Maybe he's just not feeling connected to you but more her... Which in my book is still wrong bc that could be an EA. 
Could you travel with him? Or would that be too much?


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## IsitReallyOver (Mar 2, 2016)

I would totally agree we need more alone time. He does put his work first which is hard for me to compete with that. He is a great provider, communication between us is okay not great but okay. Getting away right now is not a option as he doesn't have time to get away. I feel as though I have enabled all of this. I feel like I am part to blame as well. Our household is busy as many are and I like to try to get all my chores done so at least we have some alone time when the kids are in bed. Although "alone" time consists of him on his laptop working late into the night and me retiring before him. Is this what marriage after 17years looks like? I am not sure if this is normal. I would never bash the man who fathered my children, or has taken me as his wife for all these years. The answers I need, need to come from him. I am terrified of what the answer maybe though.


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## IsitReallyOver (Mar 2, 2016)

funny thing happened lastnight I thought about searching his phone quickly when he was out of the room but shear fear ran over me. I froze. I couldnt do it. I felt like I was the one doing something wrong.


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## IsitReallyOver (Mar 2, 2016)

I am overwhelmed, I have to be a strong woman for our kids. They are my number one priority. Oh I forgot to mention he bought a rental property which is occupied by his aunt and my name is not on this property because his accountant indicated he needed more write offs for his income tax. Funny his brand new car is in my name. Do you think I am reading to much into it. If I did ask him you are pretty sure he would lie. Do I sit and talk with him and may start with how I am feeling how we have lost something in our marriage and we need to regain it?


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

IsitReallyOver said:


> I asked if he would be going alone and he said yes it is a training exercise.


Hi ~

Is there anyway you can prove that it is a "training" exercise?

Have you seen a Schedule of Events or an Itinerary?

Is there anyway to know if his co-worker will be going?


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## sixbravebulls (Aug 18, 2015)

I'm the same age as you and I work VERY CLOSELY with a rather good looking woman. She's pretty and has a very nice body. My business clients love her. I talk about her all the time at home because if I'm asked how was work it usually involves something having to do with my female coworker. Like your husband, I brought this coworker over from a similar business. This is not suspicious. I have never touched her, nor do I even want to. Sometimes I mention her just so my wife WON'T get suspicious but NOTHING is going on. I've even put my wife into contact with her for various reasons and I can tell my wife kinda doesn't like it but never speaks up on it. Don't jump to conclusions. In my case, NOTHING is going on.

As for his emotional distance, I am not sure. When a man works hard and has a wife and kids sometimes we just need space. When I get home, I mostly sit out back for 30 minutes or so and have a drink and a smoke and shoot some baskets before I can listen to the kids yack and the wife complain. It's not easy being a guy and living in such close quarters with family, honestly.


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## mjgh06 (Feb 27, 2016)

IsitReallyOver said:


> The answers I need, need to come from him. I am terrified of what the answer maybe though.


This is how I would personally handle the situation:

He has this training event coming up that he says he is going to alone. I would find out what hotel he would be staying at. Get someone to watch the kids, book you a room there for one night. In the evening surprise your husband at his room.

Don't discuss anything. Have passionate sex without any thinking. Kiss him goodbye. Leave the room and go home. Don't answer any calls from him and when he comes homes start your life with him renewed. Leave the past behind, no questions. Unless something comes up that proves PA occured.


Don't answer this by saying you don't have the money to do this. A divorce will cost you much much more. He won't know what hit him and his interest in you will auto-pilot be sparked again.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

IsitReallyOver said:


> I am overwhelmed, I have to be a strong woman for our kids. They are my number one priority. Oh I forgot to mention he bought a rental property which is occupied by his aunt and my name is not on this property because his accountant indicated he needed more write offs for his income tax. Funny his brand new car is in my name. Do you think I am reading to much into it. If I did ask him you are pretty sure he would lie. Do I sit and talk with him and may start with how I am feeling how we have lost something in our marriage and we need to regain it?


I wouldn't read into that, honestly. That could very well be the case. But, what I would do, is check the phone bills. I'm not for snooping on phones, and turning into a PI in order to 'catch' SO's in cheating situations, but if he is texting someone all hours of the day and night, incessantly...it will show there. And then, you'll have your answer. If there are a few random calls here and there, those could be explained away as work related, but if there are a large number of calls and texts to the same number, especially after you go to bed ...then, I'd say...you have to start thinking about having a very serious conversation. You can be strong for your kids, and not stay with a cheater.  I hope things work out for the best.

I don't recommend 'surprising' him at the hotel...sounds and looks desperate. (IMO) You're his wife, you shouldn't have to jump through hoops for your husband to not cheat. lol


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I agree with @TAMAT , Getting you to be friends with this woman, could be a ploy to throw you off. 

I want to add that that 17 years of marriage doesn't have to be like what you described. I can understand working hard, especially if he's the main breadwinner and wants to provide for his family but to ignore you and let you go to bed by yourself all the time. Not good. 

It's time to go James Bond on his @ss. Check the phone, email, social media, and credit card bills. It is not snooping. You're protecting your marriage. Privacy between husband and wife ends outside of bathroom. 

Also, you can assert yourself with demanding that contact with this woman after work stops.
For your husband to make you feel like a third wheel in your home when this woman came over is outrageous. I'm sensing that you're to sweet. Sometimes we men need to see your B!tchy side come out to keep us grounded. You're not to be trifled with.


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## mjgh06 (Feb 27, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> I don't recommend 'surprising' him at the hotel...sounds and looks desperate. (IMO) You're his wife, you shouldn't have to jump through hoops for your husband to not cheat. lol


Why does that sound and look desperate? 
When I was away on business trips I loved it if my SO could come or surprised me. It was like a new honeymoon. It was great for rekindling romance. 

It's all in the mindset. If you do it thinking you are going to find something out, or last cause - well that is a bad mindset. But if you are doing it because you want to rekindle the passion. How is that desperate?

edited to add: How is it jumping through hoops? It is keeping the passion aflame or relighting the fire. To me this should be the norm whether we were going through issues or not. But I just may be a different kind of woman who has done and is willing to do anything to keep the passion/romance alive - I don't like boring.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

mjgh06 said:


> Why does that sound and look desperate?
> When I was away on business trips I loved it if my SO could come or surprised me. It was like a new honeymoon. It was great for rekindling romance.
> 
> It's all in the mindset. If you do it thinking you are going to find something out, or last cause - well that is a bad mindset. But if you are doing it because you want to rekindle the passion. How is that desperate?


I agree, but only in the sense if things are already going pretty well. It doesn't sound like they are, so to 'surprise' her husband, when she's feeling unsure about what he's been up to, has grown somewhat suspicious, and he doesn't sound very loving to her...just seems like it would be coming from a different place than how you describe your situation, you know? That's all. It's a good idea under different circumstance, just my way of seeing it, everyone is different of course.


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## mjgh06 (Feb 27, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> I agree, but only in the sense if things are already going pretty well. It doesn't sound like they are, so to 'surprise' her husband, when she's feeling unsure about what he's been up to, has grown somewhat suspicious, and he doesn't sound very loving to her...just seems like it would be coming from a different place than how you describe your situation, you know? That's all. It's a good idea under different circumstance, just my way of seeing it, everyone is different of course.


sorry was editing as you were posting.

As far as I have read - the husband has no idea she is having these thoughts or issues. They haven't talked about it yet which is why I made the suggestion. If there is no issue, just a need to reconnect, then all this worrying is for naught and could make their relationship worse. So as it stands - I say this is perfect way to reconnect and see if there are still embers glowing.

But I agree we are all different, of course.


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## mjgh06 (Feb 27, 2016)

Instead of editing I am quick replying this time...

I think too many spouses accept the idea that marriage just mellows to a dullness after years together. I accept that with the day-to-day stuff. I don't accept that with the passion between spouses. You get back only what effort you put into it. Priorities please - put as much effort into the romance/passion of the relationship as we would do if we became single again, or even back to when we first started. 

I'll leave it at that because this is a separate topic.


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## Tabbyscatt (Mar 24, 2016)

My experience is very similar to yours, IsitReallyOver. I would rather not mention to my H that I'm feeling jealous or insecure (that would be weak, my conscious says), but in reality, he would appreciate knowing that I cared enough to be jealous of his attentions toward another woman. I def have a problem with your H moving to another room to continue a convo. And the rental too. Ok, it all raises red flags for me. 

I agree with going James Bond on him. But to also be intentional about getting couple time. Date night is great, but not always realistic with your busy schedules. My H appreciates even just moments of together, I.e. 15 minutes on the sofa after work where we both stop and be together, hold hands, reconnect.

Nothing makes me more crazy than being the stupid housewife though, so my 'relations radar' is always running in the background.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Cream2sugarsplz (Mar 28, 2016)

IsitReallyOver said:


> This is my first time posting here. I have searched relentlessly trying to help find a scenario similar to mine. Here it goes.. would anyone find it strange that a a co worker that your husband worked with (female) followed him to his new job when he quit the other one that he worked with her at. So let me rephrase that he actually got her the job with him? For the longest time he would push that I go out for drinks with this woman, have our daughters hang out till I finally said we have nothing in common! Since the type of work they are in requires them to be in close contact example: phone calls, text messages, meetings outside of the home and travelling to meetings for work outside of town. I have made it very clear that I dont care to hear about her! I mean he even knows the types of food that upset her belly because of her IBS! Another thing he has jumped on the bang wagon with his working out he has insisted that he needs to have a six pack for the summer time, what he is perfect in my eyes, not overweight and looks fabulous for early 40s. I keep myself in good shape as well and maintain a clean home, run our children to to all events, also I work full time too. It seems that the only thing we have in common is sex. We have sex at least once a week and I have no complaints there. He just seems distant and when I say something he says he is busy with work and he isolates himself away from me and the kids. I guess I am looking for someone to look at this from a different angle and let me know if I am looking at this situation with rose colored glasses.


You're not over reading this and have every right to be worried or at the very least, annoyed - and I am speaking from the view point of the "other woman". Let me explain...

My coworker and I have become very close over the years, and I am fully aware he is not in the best place in his marriage. He's offered that information to me and I'm sorry for him b/c he is a really wonderful person who deserves happiness. Although there is nothing inappropriate between us, I've often felt the scale could easily tip if I allowed it to based on where he was coming from. But I'm happily married, I don't see him that way, I value my job and our work relationship and wouldn't do anything to ruin it. I've actually told him to not confide so much in me b/c I already "know too much." *THIS IS NOT THE NORM. *

What is this woman's marital status? (Sorry in advance if that's somewhere in the thread, I kind of skipped around.)

I think you SHOULD meet her and make your presence *known*! If she's any kind of a decent woman, she may back off out of nothing else but respect for your marriage. Stay alert!! Trust your gut and don't brush anything off. 

Good luck!


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## IsitReallyOver (Mar 2, 2016)

She is married and has a child. I am on the verge of leaving. I cant stand it even when he touches me. All of sudden when I show I have a bit of a back bone and stand up for myself he is being kind and asking what is wrong.... when I was a coward and agreed to everything he didnt really care how I felt. I think I have been solo parenting for so long that he has become my room mate right in front of my eyes. The hardest thing when I do have this talk with him he will blame me, always has he turns things around on me and why didnt do this to or say this ... he will blame me for us drifting apart.


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