# Is there hope?



## notblameless (Jan 22, 2014)

I'm not sure what to do from here and I really need help. I have been married for 20 years, kids grown and moved out. My husband had emotional problems in the past and was very abusive to me (emotionally, never physically). After 10 years of this I finally left the marriage. We didn't divorce. While we were separated I started seeing another man. I know this was wrong because I was still married and I take full responsibility for my actions.
We have been back together now for 2 years. I told him about the other man. Obviously, this was hard for him. He still has a hard time with this and continues to tell me how bad I hurt him and that we could have a good marriage if I hadnt cheated on him. He says he is sorry for the way he treated me in the past and I believe he is. 
Over the past year, I caught him texting other women and signing on to adult web sites. (as far as I know) he has never met up with anyone or had a PA. When I confronted him, he apologized and promised it would not happen again and he did it because of his hurt and he is now insecure. However, I did find out he has recently signed on to another adult webiste. He doesnt know I know about it and he hasnt gone farther than signing on.
I look over it all because of the guilt I have of what I did. 
He says he loves me and wants our marriage to work and I want the same. We cant afford MC.
I am very sorry for what I did but I dont want to pay for my sin the rest of my life. Will he ever be able to move past it? How do I help him? Is there any hope for our marriage?


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

There is always hope.

Own what you did.
Talk to each other.
Build each other up.
Forgive each other.

Bury your old marriage. Put it in the ground. Start a new marriage and grow it from your experiences but let go of the past and embrace what could be your future.

Holding onto the bitterness of failings leads to a dark path. Forgive each other for being human and look at each other for what could be.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Why are you putting up with it? Do you feel you owe him one?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

notblameless said:


> We have been back together now for 2 years. I told him about the other man.
> 
> I am very sorry for what I did but I dont want to pay for my sin the rest of my life. Will he ever be able to move past it? How do I help him? Is there any hope for our marriage?


Two years is a drop in the bucket if you're doing it wrong. It's not as important how long you've been back together, it's more important how long ago he found out about it, how long ago you took full responsibility (I see some signs you still haven't), and how long ago you decided to try to reconcile with him being fully aware of it.

Does he have any specific complaints, like there are things he doesn't know that you won't tell him, or that you've told him everything but he still doesn't have the full truth? What in particular is his sticking point on getting over it?

As far as his behavior, I am not sure that your cheating has anything to do with it. I confess some ignorance about adult web sites, but are they the type that the guy has to pay to get a girl to talk to him or perform for him? If so, I've always thought of that as more of some type of sexual addiction or sexual compulsion rather than as a guy who wants to "cheat" in the more traditional sense.


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## notblameless (Jan 22, 2014)

No I dont feel like I owe him anything. He was an alcoholic and treated my like ***t. I know that is no excuse for what I did.

I told him about it when we got back together so he has known for 2 years. I sometimes feel like I am getting all the blame for our problems, when I am not the only one at fault. He spent a LOT of time away from home in the past and a lot of time around other women. That doesnt mean he cheated but I will never know.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Notblameless

You owe your husband a true and profuse apology for breaking your vows to him. Your stubbornness and righteous indignation helped lead you to have an affair and are causing you to not move to a better R.

You did something very bad and you treated your spouse like utter hell. You BOTH owe each other huge apologies! There is no reason that you should not go first.

You both need to own your issues... You are stubborn. He acts poorly
You both need to own your faults... You cheated. He was abusive.
You both see each others faults but wont work on your own.

You both need to forgive each other. Forgiveness is crucial in healing. You are both still mad at each other and act like its not your fault...

Tow wrongs don't make a right. You have to get past that. Stop blaming each other and started fixing yourself and your marriage. It will speed up the process.


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

notblameless said:


> No I dont feel like I owe him anything. He was an alcoholic and treated my like ***t. I know that is no excuse for what I did.
> 
> I told him about it when we got back together so he has known for 2 years. I sometimes feel like I am getting all the blame for our problems, when I am not the only one at fault. He spent a LOT of time away from home in the past and a lot of time around other women. That doesnt mean he cheated but I will never know.


Are you being honest or is your mind compelling you to conduct a bit of historical revision?

Unfortunately not knowing is the worst part. I'm sorry you're here.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

If I have this right, you were married 10 years, separated 8 years, and have been back together for the last 2?

How long ago did he find out you had been seeing another while you were separated?

Sorry, while this is technically 'cheating' in that you never finalized a divorce, if my timeline is right and you were truly separated, it isn't something I'd really consider cheating because you weren't even a couple with your husband. That long separated it should be rather expected that you would be moving on with your life without him.


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## notblameless (Jan 22, 2014)

no racer, only separated a couple of months. I know I was wrong and would give anything to be able to take back what I did, but thats not possible. I just want to know how to move on and help him move on. I admit I am still angry at him for everything he did but the biggest problem now is with me.
He says he forgives me but I'm not so sure. If he does, why is he on these websites where he can have sex chats with other women. We are supposed to be fixing our marriage. Is this his way of dealing with it?


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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

imho...divorce is the legality of seperating lives. Yes you had ur fling but at least you moved first. When your spouse kills your esteem.rips your soul, for many years you may have just needed to fullfill your emotions where you have been left empty. 
I am surprised you only seperated two months after all that turmoil. What was fixed before you went back?
If you havent told him about finding the new adult site dont. Make a profile on their. Change ur age a bit. Alter your phys appearance on the profile. Attemp contact. Use a diff email address. If you can make contact chat with him and maybe you can find out his motive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

notblameless said:


> no racer, only separated a couple of months. I know I was wrong and would give anything to be able to take back what I did, but thats not possible. I just want to know how to move on and help him move on. I admit I am still angry at him for everything he did but the biggest problem now is with me.
> He says he forgives me but I'm not so sure. If he does, why is he on these websites where he can have sex chats with other women. We are supposed to be fixing our marriage. Is this his way of dealing with it?


this may sound bad, but many times people come here with half trues, thinking that it makes no difference (which is not true).

are you sure you relationship with the other man began after the separation?, it sounds weird to me that after being, so many years with your husband and after you had a separation *for just a couple of months*, in that precise moment a new man appered and you inmediatly began a relationship with him in such short period.

Belive me, if I perceive it like that, most likely your husband has also thinking alot about it.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

*Re: Re: Is there hope?*

If you havent told him about finding the new adult site dont. Make a profile on their. Change ur age a bit. Alter your phys appearance on the profile. Attemp contact. Use a diff email address. If you can make contact chat with him and maybe you can find out his motive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

I think this is a horrible idea; very childish. If you want to know something then ask. That's what grown folks do.


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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

Its childish for him to do the adult sites. If he is hiding this he is not being honest. Most likely if she asks he wont be 100% truthful. We bs know this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

What are your feelings for the other man? Did you fall in love with him, or was he just a port in a storm? Is he still very much on your mind even though you've gone back to your husband? Do you regret returning to the man who had mentally abused you for years and wish you had stayed with the OM? There must be a reason why you gave him up and returned to your husband. Was it love for him, or guilt on your part? I detect *A LOT* of confusion in your texts. Do you plan on staying with your husband, or is his attitude toward you and his toying with adult sites driving you away? How much are *YOU *willing to put up with to keep your marriage going?


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *Notblameless*
> I am very sorry for what I did but I dont want to pay for my sin the rest of my life. Will he ever be able to move past it? How do I help him? Is there any hope for our marriage?






> *Movingahead*
> You both need to own your issues... You are stubborn. He acts poorly
> You both need to own your faults... You cheated. He was abusive.
> You both see each others faults but wont work on your own.
> ...



Movingahead gave you good advice in his post.

*You both need help with yourselves and especially with forgiveness.* Just saying you forgive someone means nothing unless the emotions and spirit shows that forgiveness is in progress or completed.

You do not have to have money for some help with your issues. There are free helps in every community, books, library, and on the internet. You BOTH have to make up your minds that you are going to get through the damage that you both have done then DO IT!!
*That means that you do not balk at doing something that you do not want to do if it will help. You both have to do some heavy lifting.*


You both have done damage to each other and you cannot fix this without some help. IMO. Getting the right information will be the easiest part. The part where most people fail is that they will not follow the actions/instructions that are given to them by people that have been successful, and/or the information that they get from the experts in this field at this type reconciliation.


*What are you going to do?*


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## notblameless (Jan 22, 2014)

ok new twist to the story. He still checks up on me (understandable). I do the same to him. We have no trust...yet.

I found a phone number he was hiding that turned out to be an escort service. When I caught him texting this number I confronted him. He said he deleted the texts (of course) and the number was on my phone bill from 2 yrs ago, and he wanted to see who it was. (maybe a different person has the number now??) I may be wrong but so far, I havent found where I called this number. There were more than a dozen texts between them and she sent him pics of her. I dont believe this is something he would act on...physically, but it is wrong and hurtful.

Would anyone here believe him? Do I let this go and move on considering what I did? What now?????


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

Divorce. Like you should have done years ago. 

Sounds like you both are drama queens and get a kick outta hurting each other. This is normal, seen in tons of times but it's no way to live and be "married". 

Divorce and move on. Wish each other the best and split amicably. 

Good luck.


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## notblameless (Jan 22, 2014)

Easier said than done. What if he threatens suicide every time D is mentioned? I dont think it is always a bluff and I cant find anyone to help. What they consider help...locking someone in a small room for 24 hours...is not help


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

notblameless said:


> Easier said than done. What if he threatens suicide every time D is mentioned? I dont think it is always a bluff and I cant find anyone to help. What they consider help...locking someone in a small room for 24 hours...is not help


Leave, and then call 911 and tell them that your husband just threatened suicide.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

notblameless said:


> Easier said than done. What if he threatens suicide every time D is mentioned? I dont think it is always a bluff and I cant find anyone to help. What they consider help...locking someone in a small room for 24 hours...is not help


So your immediate response was not "I love him and don't want to leave him" but instead it was I'm afraid he will commit suicide. This is the only answer anyone needs. You need to take Flood's advice and divorce him and let the services know of his suicidal threats etc so that they can deal with him. It is very clear that you want out, I am not sure why you came back after your affair. Did the OM dump you ? And when did it really start ?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Your willingness to blame yourself for seeing another man during your seperation is baffling.

Are you sure he was abusive? I know that sounds like such a stupid question but emotional abuse is tricky.

I'm just trying to figure out why you feel guilt over an abusive man who's trolling the internet for strange.


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## notblameless (Jan 22, 2014)

Well, maybe you all can tell me if this is abusive: He would get mad when I talked to him about the things he was doing that was hurting our family (from the alcoholism). He would yell, tell me things were my fault and I was the one with the problem, he would throw things, flip the furniture, slam doors, we have lots of holes in the walls from this. He never touched me but told me he wanted to choke me or slap me or something to that effect.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

I am getting mixed signals from your posts.

Are you primarily upset that he is cheating on you, or are you afraid to D because he is suicidal?

Two entirely different issues. They are almost opposite in approach.

Your affair/seperation and his drinking/abuse might have conicided for a very good reason. Maybe not. We only know your side.

Some people are better off divorced. You are in that category.

Accept it as a bad relationship, learn from it, and improve yourself for future opportunities.

He might be in limbo and eventually make the choice to D on his own. 

If you want better advice, send him here to share his take on it.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I get that he abused you. I get your guilt. I am one who believes that this kind of guilt is beneficial, you did wrong, thus guilt. But don't allow your guilt to give him a pass.

Don't believe him.

And don't let his emotional state dictate whether you stay or leave. If he is suicidal then call 911. Don't be hostage to his state of mind. If you have to stay till he is stable I would stay but I would also state that when he is stable D is going to happen.


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## jnichk76 (Nov 4, 2013)

I feel your pain and have you in my prayers. I share this not to condemn, offend or judge but to equip, encourage and comfort you with the knowledge to help you overcome as it helped me overcome.

Here are some truths about EA/PA and looking at pornography? 
Exodus 20:14 Thou shalt not commit adultery.(Kissing, Oral or PA)

Math. 5:28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looks on a woman(man) to lust after her(him) hath committed adultery with her(him) already in his(her) heart(EA)

Malachi 2:16 16*“I hate divorce,” says the*Lord*God…

How do we heal? – WS confessing the full truth of the infidelity and Mat 6:33 ..seek ye first his kingdom, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. – Own and confess your part of the problem in your marriage.

Jas 5:16 Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.
1Pe 4:8 *Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since*love covers a multitude of sins. Jas 5:20 let him know that whoever brings back a sinner from his wandering*will save his soul from death and*will cover a multitude of sins.
1. Nothing changes until you change it. 
I nearly killed myself trying to "love" my wife out of the affair. All it did was give her more power over me, and deepen my own pain. Nothing changed until I said "Here are your divorce papers, here are the rules for reconciliation. Pick one" and then stick to the rules and enforce them. Don't wait for your spouse to come to their senses. If you want them back, fight for them. 

2. Nothing can ever be the same. 
I am not the same, she is not the same. The marriage is different. Better in some ways, but with huge scars. There is no going back, no matter how much you crave it

3. No-one else will respect you until YOU do. 
Infidelity is shattering. It destroys yourself respect. Sooner or later you have to remember that you are worth more than this. You didn't do anything wrong. You were faithful. You can hold your head up high. Once you can hold your head up high people look at you differently. But then once you hold your head up high you don't NEED them to look at you differently.

4. Winning back your cheating spouse is half the battle. 
You have to fight to win back a spouse. You have to rip them kicking and screaming out of the affair. Use VARs, Keyloggers, PIs, whatever resources you have and don't ever let up. However, if you DO win them back, sooner or later you realize you have won back an emotional mess that wasn't worth fighting for. The journey to become something worth fighting for is now up to them.

5. Reconciliation is hard.
The early months of reconciliation of extremely hard. You don't trust anything. You have to think of a reason to stay every time you wake up. It gets better.

7. It's ok to not make it. 
Even now, a year down the line, I sometimes contemplate "is this worth it". If I ever come to the conclusion "no", I'll be ok with that. I was a mess when I came to this site, but eventually remembered the strong man I am. I will be ok. I THINK this marriage will be great. I HOPE it will be great. But if it's not, well that's ok too.

But it is like a 1st degree burn, it takes a long time to heal. Has to be constantly be cleaned, treated very sensitively and watched close for infection. When it does heal it leaves the burned area numb and scared for life. Just because forgiveness is given and a person heals, we still have to deal with the aftermath of the consequences.


2Pe 2:14-15 (the WS)Having eyes full of adultery, and that cannot cease from sin; beguiling unstable souls: an heart they have exercised with covetous practices; cursed children: 15 Which have forsaken the right way, and are gone astray…

Matthew 6:24“No one can*serve*two*masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted*to*the one and despise the other.” – The WS cannot serve(love) you and the OP.


Romans 12:19-21
19*Beloved,*never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written,*“Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”*20*To the contrary,*“if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.”*21*Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good


Heb 13:4 Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but *****mongers and adulterers God will judge.


God Commands us to be sexually active with our spouse. It is a sin and wrong not to have regular sex according to God’s word below. 

1 Corinthians 6:2-39
2*But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.*3*The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.*4*For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.*5*Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again,*so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Eph 4:26 Be ye angry, and sin not: 
Mat 6:33 But seek ye first his kingdom, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
Rom 8:28 And we know that to them that love God all things work together for good, even to them that are called according to his purpose

1Co 10:13 There hath no temptation taken you but such as man can bear: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation make also the way of escape, that ye may be able to endure it.

Jas 1:12 Blessed is the man that endureth temptation; for when he hath been approved, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord promised to them that love him.


Last of all How to rebuild trust How to build (or rebuild) trust in your marriage. | DaveWillis.org

1. Don’t keep secrets.
In marriage, secrets are as dangerous as lies. Your spouse should have a “master key” to every part of your life. Never have a conversation you wouldn’t want them to hear, view a website you wouldn’t want them to see or go someplace you wouldn’t want them to know about. Complete transparency is vital to building complete trust.
2. Recognize the difference between forgiveness and trust.
Forgiveness and trust are two different things. When you’ve been wronged, you should give forgiveness instantly (which is “Grace”), but you should give your trust slowly (which is “common sense!”). Forgiveness by it’s very nature cannot be earned; it can only be given. Trust by it’s very nature cannot be given; it can only be earned. Forgiveness has to come first and then grace can pave the way to restoration and renewed trust.
3. Don’t retaliate.
When we’ve been wronged, we usually have an urge to punish the person who wronged us. We want them to feel the pain that they have caused us, but this kind of thinking hurts everyone involved and damages trust even more. It’s been said, “Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and then hoping the other person dies!”*When you’ve been wronged in a relationship, give clear and specific guidelines for how trust can be restored, but don’t punish the other person.
4. Be consistent.
When you are in a process of rebuilding trust, do your very best to be consistent in your words and your actions. Consistency brings security and security eventually brings trust. We trust patterns of action more than we trust words.
5. Be willing to temporarily give up some freedoms.
When an arm is broken, it has to be put in a cast to restrict its motion so it can have time to heal. When you’ve broken trust, you must be willing to temporarily give up certain freedoms and accept certain restrictions to allow time for healing. This is usually the most uncomfortable part of the process, but it’s vital.
6. Keep the Love alive.
The Bible says that, “Love covers over a multitude of sins.” I love that picture of love being strong enough to cover our imperfections and fill in the cracks of our broken hearts. Keep loving each other and allow God to use the power of love and grace to bring wholeness and healing to your relationship.


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