# Found husband watching porn and uploaded a video too...



## mummyh

I'm feeling heartbroken and numb right now. Married to my husband for a few years and today I found on his phone (was on it trying to help him with his battery life) that he'd been posting on a stupid app reposting videos on there which was sexual. He'd also posted a video too. At first he denied having the app until I basically showed him I knew. He was ashamed and said he was. There were lots of videos on there and from what I could see he followed lots of accounts and he had followers and 'fans' too. He told me it's the thrill of getting the 'likes' and popularity. I understand some men do watch porn and I'd caught him in the past watching it but he's said he wouldn't again. I'm wary when trusting people anyway but this has upset me that he tried to lie to me and that he's been lying. We've got two young boys, ages 3.5 and 8 months. Just don't know what to do. I'm confident he wouldn't cheat but I need trust &#55357;&#56852;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy

Is your sex life satisfying? Does he neglect you in favor of porn? Do you neglect his sexual needs (not uncommon to allow to happen when you have young children needing so much attention and making you tired)? If he's not neglecting you, it's probably a need for physical release that is easier with porn, especially if you aren't always available or interested. As for the sharing of videos (I'm assuming these are NOT ones HE has made!), that's a little odd, but lots of people here probably enjoy the "Likes" when they post something others enjoy, too - it's not unusual in that sense.

However, you may have your own standards and expectations regarding porn, which may not be his. He doesn't want to hurt you by using it when you don't like it, but it is his body and mind, and is only your business if he is neglecting you - and that's my opinion on this topic.


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## cons

Married but Happy said:


> However, you may have your own standards and expectations regarding porn, which may not be his. He doesn't want to hurt you by using it when you don't like it, but it is his body and mind, and is only your business if he is neglecting you - and that's my opinion on this topic.


I have to respectfully disagree here. You are married....it is your business...you and your husband need to discuss this. If your boundaries around porn is no porn at all, then he has the ability to choose to respect your boundaries or not. 

My husband never neglects me sexually, yet he has a compulsion to "shop", whether it is porn, personal ads, etc....since he's not neglecting me sexually, does not mean that I can't have a boundary that I do not accept "shopping" within the context of my marriage. 

He is free to choose. I cannot control his choices. But there are consequences when his actions are hurtful. Just as my actions should be honoring to my husband.

Porn is an issue that is too specific with every relationship. It requires you and your husband to have a mature, honest conversation about it. Can he get this "thrill" in a more acceptable way? Is any level of porn acceptable to you? 

If this conversation is too difficult to muddle through with just the two of you, please invite a counselor to help.


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## mummyh

Thank you for your replies. I wasn't sure if I'd get responses or not and I was just so hurt, I still am. The children are off to bed now so we will chat. It's the lying and trying to deny that hurts me and the fact that he's posted a video himself. He says its for the likes 'popularity' or whatever, which I can't quite get my head around. But that's his reasoning. I'm just very confused, there were both women and men on the profile and I really need some truthful answers otherwise I feel ill never get to the bottom of it and be able to move on and try and work things out.


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## Married but Happy

cons, I did say it was my opinion - and I do understand yours and largely agree. But I do sometimes play devil's advocate .... What if, rather than expecting someone to NOT do something, such as porn, you expect them TO DO something? What if that something is sex, and by not agreeing to engage it is hurtful, even if one of you think it's already sufficient. Basically, yes, you have to agree and negotiate, IMO. There is also a difference between actions that are actually HARMful to you, and things that you feel hurt you but that is only because your attitude and - possibly misplaced - values. IMO, another persons rights end when mine begin to be infringed.


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## MommaGx3

Oooh, like a video of himself, pleasuring himself? I'm assuming it wasn't a video of him and you or him and another person? 

Personally, I'm a very sexually liberal person. I have no issues with pornography as long as it does not interfere with the needs of the parties in the relationship. My husband satisfies my sexual needs. I hope I satisfy his  he tells me I do. However, we both enjoy reading pornography. I know there are times he'll watch some videos on the computer. I also know he'll read the stories. For self-pleasure, sometimes I will read a story or two myself. 

I believe it all comes down to comfort. I am comfortable in my relationship that I do not feel threatened by pornography. I am not worried about cheating because I see it meeting a need that is acceptable. But, not everyone feels the way that I do. Now, if my husband was on pornography every day. If he neglected me and no longer wanted to enjoy sexual relations, we'd have a problem and it would have to be resolved or I would leave him. Simple as that. 

With that said, I suspect he lied because he felt ashamed. Doing something on the internet allows anonymity which is exciting. No one knows who you are or where you are and it can feel very liberating. Shame is a very difficult emotion to cope with. Most men cover shame with anger or defensiveness. If a small lie (totally subjective) is based on shame and good communication and resolution come from it, I let it slide. 

I think you have the right to tell him that the idea of him performing and posting to other people makes you uncomfortable and that you want all of him for all of you... also, invite him to demonstrate for you so that you can "like" it,  He can offer you a private show any time!

As far as him watching videos, what is it that bothers you most? That he wants to have some visual aid for release? That he wants to have some private stroking time? That you feel like he doesn't find you sexually attractive? That you feel threatened that you are providing enough for him? That you are afraid that watching a video is the first step in infidelity? Do you have religious or spiritual beliefs that make it wrong in your mind?

Identifying where it's coming from might help when it's time to talk about it.


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## cons

This is a tough area to not have one's own experiences not leak in...

I would consider actions...that are repeatedly hurtful...ARE harmful to the health of a relationship/marriage. (choosing porn when it hurts the other, denying sex when it hurts the other are both perfect examples).

It's up to the individuals within the relationship to communicate this with an open mind and open heart.

I know I am coming from an unusual place in that my husband struggles with sex addiction (so my boundaries are very defined and stringent, because the "benign-ness" that porn can be in many cases, is rather a "gateway drug" in mine).

Sure a person has a right to do whatever they want (porn, flirting, sex or no sex)...but within the context of a respectful relationship...the other person should be considered. IMO, its basic respect to a human being you care about. It goes both ways.


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## Evinrude58

mummyh said:


> Thank you for your replies. I wasn't sure if I'd get responses or not and I was just so hurt, I still am. The children are off to bed now so we will chat. It's the lying and trying to deny that hurts me and the fact that he's posted a video himself. He says its for the likes 'popularity' or whatever, which I can't quite get my head around. But that's his reasoning. I'm just very confused, there were both women and men on the profile and I really need some truthful answers otherwise I feel ill never get to the bottom of it and be able to move on and try and work things out.


The porn stuff really has nothing to do with his feelings for you. But, it is your business, and that stuff is very addictive. My opinion, is that for some people, the type of nastiness required to get the same amount of "high" gets worse and worse. 

I once looked some, but found after a while I got bored with it and got busy with something else and it was never a problem. I don't look at it anymore because I don't like how it makes me feel about myself, because my gf hates the crap, and because I think it's addictive and just bad for me mentally. Also, it's highly against my beliefs. I was ashamed of myself for doing it.

Your husband is likely legitimately ashamed, but will possibly need constant reminding that that is a big deal for you.

DOn't take it personally, though. I never compared anyone to that crap. I never once thought about any of those video people when having sex with someone. 

You are right to be disappointed, however.


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## Adelais

mummyh said:


> I'm feeling heartbroken and numb right now. Married to my husband for a few years and today I found on his phone (was on it trying to help him with his battery life) that he'd been posting on a stupid app reposting videos on there which was sexual. He'd also posted a video too. At first he denied having the app until I basically showed him I knew. He was ashamed and said he was. There were lots of videos on there and from what I could see he followed lots of accounts and he had followers and 'fans' too. He told me it's the thrill of getting the 'likes' and popularity. I understand some men do watch porn and I'd caught him in the past watching it but he's said he wouldn't again. I'm wary when trusting people anyway but this has upset me that he tried to lie to me and that he's been lying. We've got two young boys, ages 3.5 and 8 months. Just don't know what to do. I'm confident he wouldn't cheat but I need trust ��
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you heartbroken because he looked at porn? Because he posted a video? Because he lied?


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## Acoa

Sounds like he is hiding a part of himself he is ashamed of. If he is looking for 'likes' and feeling popular on porn sites, that is sexual gratification. You can get likes on facebook without posting porn videos. 

Porn on it's own isn't a problem to me. Hiding it and lying about it is a red flag. If he will lie and hide the porn, what else will he hide and lie about? If you want a good relationship, it starts by being open and honest about each other's needs. Even when those needs are potentially embarrassing. 

Your feelings on the matter seem perfectly normal.


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## mummyh

Thank you for your replies. Last night we had a chat about it all and I told him all my concerns and how I was worried he'd cheat and worried I wasn't satisfying enough for him. He admitted it was boredom at first just general boredom rather than relationship boredom and it was the thrill of being anonymous which he liked but said it turned out to be an anticlimax. 
I was worried that perhaps he didn't want to be with me and our sons anymore but he's told me that's not true. I think it'll take a lot of time for me to rebuild by trust and whenever he's on his phone I'll be paranoid but I need to learn to trust him again. He knows it hurt me and he's said he feels ashamed with himself and can't even see why he started it.


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## EllisRedding

Are you able to clarify exactly what video he uploaded/posted? If it was something personal (i.e. of himself, of him and you, etc..) that would be rather concerning. 

If he is downloading and uploading videos he also needs to be concerned about possible legal ramifications.


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## mummyh

A 'personal' video of himself, only a few seconds long. He said he felt stupid after doing it and ashamed as well. I've voiced my concerns and explained I can only continue our relationship and marriage if we're now 100% honest and open with one another about everything, no matter how embarrassing it may seem.


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## Corpuswife

mummyh said:


> A 'personal' video of himself, only a few seconds long. He said he felt stupid after doing it and ashamed as well. I've voiced my concerns and explained I can only continue our relationship and marriage if we're now 100% honest and open with one another about everything, no matter how embarrassing it may seem.


It's good that you had the chat. Did you agree to what the boundaries are for your relationship?

Also, if he was ashamed....was it still posted? It it was, then his shame wasn't to great???


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## confusedinTX

Before I get into advise I will tell you I am dealing with a sex addict husband. His addiction started with simple videos and then went into things like you are talking about. Creating accounts and interacting with others which lead to live action sites and so on down the line. I found stuff early and confronted him with it and got talked down or made to feel like I was crazy and it is normal. It wasn't and it isn't. If anyone views porn 5 or more times a week you are classified as addicted. What concerns me when I read your post was the hiding it and the interactive part of it. When my husband and i got together porn was not a hidden thing and sometimes we would watch it together even. The problems started when it became hidden and as someone else said it became a gateway to a world of interactive stuff which lead to escorts. Don't let anyone here or your husband let it be on you and please don't ignore your inner voice. I did for years and now am dealing with the aftermath. Marriage is about open communication and trust and there is neither of those if he is lying and hiding things from you. Good luck.


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