# Married guys need your opinion on how you would react if spouse was in pain.



## NatashaAngel (Jul 29, 2013)

Hi. I consider myself a pretty strong person. I try not to show if I'm in pain. However, when I am in pain to the point where I cry out from muscle spasm and pain, tears coming down face, I think it's pretty obvious I hurt. If you are the husband and see this and say that our relationship is great and can't imagine life without me, what should your response have been to seeing me in pain? 
All husband did was say is there anything he could do, grab his own food and walk off, before I could even ask for help. No help, no hug, no rubbing back, no offer if I need to go to doctor. Just usual nite for him. 
Is this typical?
I think he's looking for young girls, but haven't caught him. But with me, he acts like everything is normal. But we have no physical contact other than hold hands, and kiss good-bye and good night. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised by no response last night, but it still hurt to receive no comfort from him.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

NatashaAngel said:


> Hi. I consider myself a pretty strong person. I try not to show if I'm in pain. However, when I am in pain to the point where I cry out from muscle spasm and pain, tears coming down face, I think it's pretty obvious I hurt. If you are the husband and see this and say that our relationship is great and can't imagine life without me, what should your response have been to seeing me in pain?
> All husband did was say is there anything he could do, grab his own food and walk off, before I could even ask for help. No help, no hug, no rubbing back, no offer if I need to go to doctor. Just usual nite for him.
> Is this typical?
> I think he's looking for young girls, but haven't caught him. But with me, he acts like everything is normal. But we have no physical contact other than hold hands, and kiss good-bye and good night. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised by no response last night, but it still hurt to receive no comfort from him.


A committed LOVING husband would tend to you if you were in pain. Doesn't sound like you have one of those.


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## NatashaAngel (Jul 29, 2013)

I'm not sure I have one of those either.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Are you telling him "I am in pain, I need this" ?


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## NatashaAngel (Jul 29, 2013)

I told him that I hurt to move. I was crying. And I asked him if he could fix me some popcorn and give 4-legged kids treats. He acted like that was too much to ask. So I got up and did myself. He didn't stop me, didn't help. 
What was I to do, Say I want you to hold me? I want you to just show concern? I don't think I should have to do that. He wouldn't have to if the situation was reversed.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

NatashaAngel said:


> I told him that I hurt to move. I was crying. And I asked him if he could fix me some popcorn and give 4-legged kids treats. He acted like that was too much to ask. So I got up and did myself. He didn't stop me, didn't help.
> What was I to do, Say I want you to hold me? I want you to just show concern? I don't think I should have to do that. He wouldn't have to if the situation was reversed.


Then that clearly shows he doesn't care as much as he should. I asked because there some people have less empathy and are more clueless on what to do unless you specify what you want. But you did tell him. 

I am sorry, I hope you feel better soon.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

NatashaAngel said:


> I told him that I hurt to move. I was crying. And I asked him if he could fix me some popcorn and give 4-legged kids treats. He acted like that was too much to ask. So I got up and did myself. He didn't stop me, didn't help.
> What was I to do, Say I want you to hold me? I want you to just show concern? I don't think I should have to do that. He wouldn't have to if the situation was reversed.


And he's not a mind reader. In a situation like yours, with a relationship the way you describe it, he's NOT going to take initiative and do anything for you. You have to tell him or ask. If he still chooses to ignore you, then I'm sorry, but he's not the guy for you. He's checked out and just doesn't care anymore.

If you want these things from him you're going to have to ask for it. And even then, it's a 50/50 chance of him doing what you ask, so expect to be disappointed.


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## NatashaAngel (Jul 29, 2013)

Thanks for the feedback. Definitely having to deal with disappointed. Sucks after 16 yrs of my life with him as both husband and employer. Lately, just feel like roommate.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

When she hurts, I hurt. I do everything I can to ease her pain.

Perhaps I have too much empathy, and am too attuned to others' pain. It's one reason I could never contemplate working in the medical profession - I'd be a basket case!

However, my wife had an extended (8 year) illness where she was in constant low level pain, and every few days it would become severe, and sometimes completely debilitating. I had to learn to keep some emotional distance and become more objective in order to help her without falling apart myself. It wasn't easy to do that, but it was necessary.

OP, there are two possibilities that I see - either your husband has very little empathy, or he has too much and can only handle it by withdrawing. If he'll talk about it at a time when you're not in pain, perhaps you can find out what's really going on.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

NatashaAngel said:


> Thanks for the feedback. Definitely having to deal with disappointed. Sucks after 16 yrs of my life with him as both husband and employer. Lately, just feel like roommate.


It does suck, and I'm sorry you're hurting and have no support from him. 

It's a sad thing when you've been with a person that long and invested so much of yourself that you discover they can dismiss it all as if it was nothing. I don't want to make you feel worse, but I hope you can see him as he is, and not what you want him to be.


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## NatashaAngel (Jul 29, 2013)

Thank you "Married but Happy", I could understand it if that were his situation. But I don't think it is, especially if I'm honest with myself. 
"A Bit Much", I'm working on trying to see him as he is, sometimes still try to make excuses or wonder if I'm just wrong about him and things I think he might be doing. But even those things aside, still hurt when he didn't have any compassion or try to console me. I would have preferred to just have been alone. Then at least I wouldn't have expected to be comforted.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

I used to be attentive, give back rubs, foot rubs, and all of that good stuff, and I did it often when my wife had frequent back problems and migraines that put her down for the count, but when it finally dawned on me that she had no intention of reciprocating I cut it all out. By no intention, I mean that she didn't think I deserved or had earned that kind of attention from her. Crummy, huh? So I can see when she's in pain but I no longer feel the need to help her out any more. Treat me like krap and eventually I'll catch on...

I'm not talking about a strict one-for-one, I'll only do this if you do that type of thing. It was a question of respect. I feel that I don't get enough respect and as long as I feel that way I will not be giving the treatment that comes with a close and mutually respectful relationship. 

What I don't understand is how someone can feel that they are more deserving of respect than their spouse. If they feel that way they shouldn't be married to them. 

YMMV of course.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

If my W is in pain, is ill or is ill at ease I breskup inside because I feel I cannot fix it. Ive seen her in horrific pain prior to an op and although I know I did all the right things I left the room as she went to theatre and was physically sick. I ALWAYS feel usless because I cannot fix it. I know she sees the concern and the depth of it when shes ill despite my perhaps feeble attempts to hide it. (we're guys we gotta be strong) Nope dont work.


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## NatashaAngel (Jul 29, 2013)

"VermisciousKnid" I can understand how you would feel that way. I agree, after giving and giving, and not receiving, you reach the point of why bother. 
But I still do for my husband, with or without him asking, and both personally and for the business. 
I don't understand his reasoning for not trying to comfort me. I know I put on a strong front a lot of times, but when I'm actually making noises from the pain hitting me and I have tears coming down my face, to me that means I need comfort. Maybe I'm expecting too much.
And what does "YMMV" mean?? 
Wish your wife realized what she had and that some of us would appreciate what she took for granted. Sorry.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> either your husband has very little empathy, or he has too much and can only handle it by withdrawing. If he'll talk about it at a time when you're not in pain, perhaps you can find out what's really going on.


I think this response may be the closest to what they truth is. 

There are some men who have no idea what to do if someone else is suffering. If it's not _their_ experience, they don't know how we feel. Hence, they don't know how to comfort us. Plus, if you were able to get up and do things on your own, then perhaps in his mind, you're _exaggerating_ your discomfort. 

Then again, he may be so sensitive to your pain and he doesn't know what you need in order to feel better (is a hug REALLY going to take the pain away?). In other words, he may either see it as a problem that _he_ can't solve, that it's not that 'big' of a problem, so you are perfectly capable of solving it on your own. He may see you as more 'independent', and that you are capable of solving this on your own. 

People react differently to pain. Whereas some people want to be 'pampered' (even for minor pain), others want to be left to heal on their own.

Talk to your husband in a non-accusatory way. Ask him if he realizes how uncomfortable it is for you to move around. ASK for what you want or need. What he's doing isn't necessarily "wrong", and when you approach him, approach him as if your styles are different. 

Seek to understand him first, before expecting him to understand YOU first.

Vega


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## NatashaAngel (Jul 29, 2013)

PaulT - She can see your concern and your discomfort with her in pain. That makes a huge difference.


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## NatashaAngel (Jul 29, 2013)

Vega - understand where you are coming from... But I have been there for him thru 2 kidney stones (different times), 2 broken hands/wrists at same time (had to do everything and I mean Everything for him), cracked shoulder (in sling and strapped) and thru all that I helped where I was needed and didn't make him ask for everything. I asked what he needed. I would get up and do for him and let him know just to ask and didn't give any lip even if jokingly when asked to do for him. 
I have had one operation, complete hysterectomy. Once I got home from hospital, he went to work. He didn't stay home to get things for me so I wouldn't have to get up with my stitches. But I dealt with it, because I had to. I let that slide, even tho still hurt feelings.
But to be crying, and be offered no comfort, concern....Sucks
And I don't understand...


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

NatashaAngel said:


> Vega - understand where you are coming from... But I have been there for him thru 2 kidney stones (different times), 2 broken hands/wrists at same time (had to do everything and I mean Everything for him), cracked shoulder (in sling and strapped) and thru all that I helped where I was needed and didn't make him ask for everything. I asked what he needed. I would get up and do for him and let him know just to ask and didn't give any lip even if jokingly when asked to do for him.
> I have had one operation, complete hysterectomy. Once I got home from hospital, he went to work. He didn't stay home to get things for me so I wouldn't have to get up with my stitches. But I dealt with it, because I had to. I let that slide, even tho still hurt feelings.
> But to be crying, and be offered no comfort, concern....Sucks
> And I don't understand...


I used to be like this. A do it all no matter how I felt type. In my previous marriage my husband didn't do much at all for me either. I didn't understand it until now. I had to learn to be vulnerable and ask for help. I had to admit to myself that I could NOT do it all, and that it was okay to be weak sometimes. I'm a human being and not a cyborg without feelings. 

I'm happily remarried and in the beginning I had to force myself not to have the steely demeanor up. It's a front most of the time. I allowed myself to trust him to look after me, and the way to do that was to show him I needed him. I asked. I told him that I was tired of doing it all and I needed his help. I wanted someone to look after me for a change. He stepped up and hasn't failed me once. He likes that side of me. Most of the time I'm such a hardass, he wants to see the softer side, he wants to take care of me. I let him and now it's not hard to do. 

If you've always done it, and carried yourself in a manner that shows you 'got this', he's not going to come in and help you. You have to retrain him so to speak (I hate using that analogy because he's not a pet) but I can't think of a better way to put it. Maybe a nice heart to heart talk has to happen. You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable. He may respond to that, and maybe not. It depends on if he's checked out of your relationship or not. If he's checking out other women etc., I don't know how committed he is to you and if he'll even WANT to do the things you are asking.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

My husband falls completely apart when I'm hurting and often doesn't do the right thing. I've learned the hard way that it's not because he doesn't want to, but because he seriously has absolutely no idea what TO do!

I found a good sit-down with him (when I WASN'T hurting) to explain what I need/want when in pain helped. Now, instead of just reacting, he asks me what I need when I'm hurting.

The other part of this is you, and this was hard for me too: you can't get mad at him when he asks you what you need. If your first response to "what can I do for you?" is "isn't it OBVIOUS, my back is killing me, I need x!", he's not going to be willing to help in the future. So, as hard as it is when you're hurting/sick/whatever to keep your composure, you cannot get mad.

My other warning is that marriage isn't a tit-for-tat. It's not a baseball game with a winner or a loser. Sometimes we do things for our partners they never can return the favor on. If you're "winning" right now because you do more for him, that's not healthy thinking. I have had to re-learn that too!

Eventually they learn and have to ask what you want less and less because they know, but it takes a little time. It sounds like you two may have other issues to resolve though... 

Good luck!


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

I guess guys are not brought up to be the empathetic. We follow our fathers in being the hunter gatherer and not the nurse which of course a matreatic trait. Women get colds and guys get man flu! 
I suspect 96% of the males that come in here would agree that in their hearts they want to be able to show this side but either dont know how to use that skill (because it been knocked out of us by the alpha male requirement) or as some have said do try and make a complete ba!!s up of it depite trying so hard to do our best. 

Different people take pain in a vast array of differing way. I presently m learnig to walk again after an accident. The pain is like tooth ache with a nuclear effect. I knoe my W wants to touch and rub the area to take it away (just as we do to our children when they fall and hurt them selves) I just ant to hum a little tune to distract me from moaning about it.

I agree that guys should learn to ask what it is that is needed of them in these situations... A million years of evalution seems to have missed out on that one simple task. 

A nurse said recently when I was on a morphine driver. "When pain is that bad, no matter if your old young male or female we all call out or beg for the one person that seemed to make the pain disappear....... Our Mother!".

I guess just living and communicating openly makes it easier to know whats is required?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

NatashaAngel said:


> Hi. I consider myself a pretty strong person. I try not to show if I'm in pain. However, when I am in pain to the point where I cry out from muscle spasm and pain, tears coming down face, I think it's pretty obvious I hurt. If you are the husband and see this and say that our relationship is great and can't imagine life without me, what should your response have been to seeing me in pain?
> All husband did was say is there anything he could do, grab his own food and walk off, before I could even ask for help. No help, no hug, no rubbing back, no offer if I need to go to doctor. Just usual nite for him.
> Is this typical?
> I think he's looking for young girls, but haven't caught him. But with me, he acts like everything is normal. But we have no physical contact other than hold hands, and kiss good-bye and good night. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised by no response last night, but it still hurt to receive no comfort from him.


I can see a guy doing this only if there is a history where this seems consistent and you refuse to see a doctor. Juts trying to explain why he may be ambivalent.

But normally one would ask how you were and then try to help.

So you are in pain often? I give my wife massges all the time.


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## NatashaAngel (Jul 29, 2013)

I have fibromyalgia and am on medication which helps. But overall even if in pain, most people including him don't know it. I work thru it. Also I rarely cry when in pain especially in front of anyone. So to me the fact that I was in enough pain to cry and in front of him, should have made him stop and see what was wrong and what I needed. Also, I'm not one to bit*h or nag. I don't believe it is the way to get things done. But I'm not going to beg either. I asked for his help, he made comment about having to do more than one thing for me; so I did it myself. 
I'm not going for winning or keeping score, I was just trying to show that I am a caring and helpful person. And didn't understand why he couldn't return some of that. 
"Entropy3000" hope your wife is appreciative of the massages. My husband acts like I'm asking him to stop the world when I ask for heating balm to be rubbed on my back. Stops within seconds of putting it on, so most of time, doesn't help, so I stopped asking for this as well.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

NatashaAngel said:


> I have fibromyalgia and am on medication which helps. But overall even if in pain, most people including him don't know it. I work thru it. Also I rarely cry when in pain especially in front of anyone. So to me the fact that I was in enough pain to cry and in front of him, should have made him stop and see what was wrong and what I needed. Also, I'm not one to bit*h or nag. I don't believe it is the way to get things done. But I'm not going to beg either. I asked for his help, he made comment about having to do more than one thing for me; so I did it myself.
> I'm not going for winning or keeping score, I was just trying to show that I am a caring and helpful person. And didn't understand why he couldn't return some of that.
> "Entropy3000" hope your wife is appreciative of the massages. My husband acts like I'm asking him to stop the world when I ask for heating balm to be rubbed on my back. Stops within seconds of putting it on, so most of time, doesn't help, so I stopped asking for this as well.


Well it could be he's a selfish [email protected] and nothing you do or say will change him. I feel for you. Your condition is not something that you should be able to 'get through' without some help. Some days you just can't do it. The pain is too severe. 

What else is going on with the two of you? I'm trying to understand his disconnect and don't want to just chalk it up to him being an ass.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

NatashaAngel said:


> "VermisciousKnid" I can understand how you would feel that way. I agree, after giving and giving, and not receiving, you reach the point of why bother.
> But I still do for my husband, with or without him asking, and both personally and for the business.
> I don't understand his reasoning for not trying to comfort me. I know I put on a strong front a lot of times, but when I'm actually making noises from the pain hitting me and I have tears coming down my face, to me that means I need comfort. Maybe I'm expecting too much.
> And what does "YMMV" mean??
> Wish your wife realized what she had and that some of us would appreciate what she took for granted. Sorry.


Your Mileage Might Vary. 

Yeah, my wife blew it as far as I'm concerned. When the kids had to go to the ER it was me who took them. When they threw up it was me who looked after the situation. When my wife was too ill to do anything or even walk I came through time and time again without complaint. I think I get the way to be with sick people from my mom who was an RN. She worked in all kinds of hospital units (post-surgical, psych, hospice, burn) and there was nothing that would faze her - she's just so calm and reassuring when you're sick. 

In your case I guess your husband could be panicking a bit. You generally can't make someone's pain go away but you can always make them more comfortable in some way. And a calm demeanor and helpful attitude can be comforting. He doesn't have to say, "There, there, everything will be just fine" in a soothing voice, right?


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## NatashaAngel (Jul 29, 2013)

"A Bit Much" not sure what else I tell you will help your opinion 
I recently used his phone while we were out, because I forgot mine. I was taking pics of books I wanted to download while in bookstore. I stumbled across multiple pics of women's bare breasts. When I asked him about it, he said a co-worker sent it to him. But it was saved under his photo stream, that doesn't happen by opening email or text. So I'm sorry, I checked his emails on his computer. He changed his password, but leaves it on screen so he doesn't have to type it. I found emails/text from computer going back to 2011 between him and females. He has accounts set up on SugarDaddy, HornyBook, HornyWhisper, just to mention a few. I found some that speak of wanting no strings attached behind doors fun, even some discuss how much for sex. But I know if I mention these he will just say someone hacked his account. That's his excuse whenever I find something off. Like strange emails on joint account, or picture on phone. Last one was first he admitted that at least he had some part in receiving it. 
I would have probably walked out of relationship before, but is not only husband I would have to leave but also job and house. That's huge step and not sure if emails are enough proof to help me out. 
But if I ask him how our relationship is, or if he's happy with us, trying to get him to talk, he says he couldn't imagine life without us together and doesn't know what he would do without me. 
So am I just naïve for believing him? Or am I too suspicious and he's innocent??


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## NatashaAngel (Jul 29, 2013)

"VermisciousKnid" I don't need to be told in soothing voice everything is ok. But I would like some concern on his part for my welfare. I have never turned away a hug from him even one worse day of fibromyalgia. So just a simple touch from him, showing he cared would have been nice. Just a hug, to comfort me, would have been nice.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

NatashaAngel said:


> "A Bit Much" not sure what else I tell you will help your opinion
> I recently used his phone while we were out, because I forgot mine. I was taking pics of books I wanted to download while in bookstore. I stumbled across multiple pics of women's bare breasts. When I asked him about it, he said a co-worker sent it to him. But it was saved under his photo stream, that doesn't happen by opening email or text. So I'm sorry, I checked his emails on his computer. He changed his password, but leaves it on screen so he doesn't have to type it. I found emails/text from computer going back to 2011 between him and females. He has accounts set up on SugarDaddy, HornyBook, HornyWhisper, just to mention a few. I found some that speak of wanting no strings attached behind doors fun, even some discuss how much for sex. But I know if I mention these he will just say someone hacked his account. That's his excuse whenever I find something off. Like strange emails on joint account, or picture on phone. Last one was first he admitted that at least he had some part in receiving it.
> I would have probably walked out of relationship before, but is not only husband I would have to leave but also job and house. That's huge step and not sure if emails are enough proof to help me out.
> But if I ask him how our relationship is, or if he's happy with us, trying to get him to talk, he says he couldn't imagine life without us together and doesn't know what he would do without me.
> So am I just naïve for believing him? Or am I too suspicious and he's innocent??


Seeing is believing IMO. What you saw was the truth. His actions don't back his words to you either, so there's further proof that what you found was the truth. 

I get that you're tied to him financially as well as in this marriage. He's using that (his position) to cake eat. He can basically do these things without consequence because he is SURE you will not leave. He can lie, he can sneak, he can cover his tracks... if you find something he can deny it or chalk it up to a hacker. Whatever he tells you, you are securely in this relationship. You have obligations. You can't just up and leave. How convenient for him.

Again I'm sorry you're stuck with such a man. Guys like him don't change unless they have a reason to. Usually that motivation comes from you dumping their ass, but as it stands, you aren't in any position to do so... and he KNOWS it.


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## NatashaAngel (Jul 29, 2013)

Thanks "A Bit Much". 
I have had my eyes open a lot this time. Hard to ignore offers to pay for sex. And I'm pretty sure a hacker to his email, wouldn't be giving his cell phone number out for them to text. 
I'm in process of trying to line some things up. 
With every thing else, I don't know why I let him not helping me last night bother me. I should have expected it I guess.
Thanks again.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Trust your gut Natasha. You aren't stupid (though he must think you are) and what you're feeling isn't just a fluke.

Hang in there. Keep on with your plans and possible exit strategy. And yes, you know what to expect from him, so don't let his actions and NON actions bother you from here on out.


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## whowouldhavethought (Jun 15, 2013)

NatashaAngel said:


> Hi. I consider myself a pretty strong person. I try not to show if I'm in pain. However, when I am in pain to the point where I cry out from muscle spasm and pain, tears coming down face, I think it's pretty obvious I hurt. If you are the husband and see this and say that our relationship is great and can't imagine life without me, what should your response have been to seeing me in pain?
> All husband did was say is there anything he could do, grab his own food and walk off, before I could even ask for help. No help, no hug, no rubbing back, no offer if I need to go to doctor. Just usual nite for him.
> Is this typical?


Personally I think he is a putz. A wife in pain is a wife that needs help. When my wife is in pain, I try to help her out.

WWHT


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## bagdon (Jun 7, 2013)

Have you tried telling him just what you told us when you opened this thread? He should have done more for you when you were in pain but maybe he needs to hear exactly how you felt when he wasn't there for you like you needed him to be.

You probably should express this at a point you don't need him to do anything for you at the moment and in a good positive emotional state; You're just letting him know.

He may do something about it...


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Your husband not giving you some affection when you are in pain and when you are not in pain is a sign of a taker and not a giver,

As much as it may pain you I would suggest that *you make a plan to become much more self-reliant.* There are just too many signs from your husband that you marriage is not going to last another 16 years.

If you get into a position that you can leave him and make it on your own he may have an awaking and become a much better husband but *you need to get into a position that you can take him or leave him.*
Blunt


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