# We are trying to be best friends



## Sososoin love (Jun 20, 2013)

So here is my sad tale. We've been married for 13 years with one child 10 years old. One year ago my wife came to me out of the blue and said she wanted to leave. I was shocked. She couldn't believe that I didn't feel the same way. She thought I didn't love her either. After much promising to change I began to treat her like a princess. That worked for about 2 weeks until she finally said it made her angry. "Where was this guy for the past 8 years." She told me that she's been mad at me and had been plotting getting out for years. She told me she was tired of the black cloud I might bring into any situation, that she was always walking on eggshells around me to keep the situation calm. Finally, she had enough. I told her I never knew I had been so horrible (I didn't) but I was willing to change. And I did. I began to do everything I could to keep her around. We saw a marriage counseler, I saw a therapist and began working on being a more stable, happy person. She said she would try to work at the marriage, but she couldn't make any promises. After six months of doing everything I could to make our lives easier, she finally came out the day before our 13 year anniversary and said it just wasn't working. She cares about me, she loves me, but she is not in love with me, does not want to be intimate with me, and insists I deserve more. She says I've turned into the perfect man, but she does not love me and the feeling is just not coming back. I am devastated. I told her that I could back off completely, not make any demands on her or guilt her, and that we could still be best friends who live together for the sake of our son. We get along so well, we don't fight or argue... she just doesn't have that spark for me anymore. She also says she will try the best friends arrangement, but she can't make any promises and she still might leave at the end of the summer. My question is, is it too late to save the marriage and what can I do? I've read about the 180 plan, which I am going to try, as I think I've been too needy and clingy the past many months. It will be hard to distance myself from her, but after a year of emotional anxiety, there is nothing left I can do.I do love her with all my heart and I want to keep my family together. I've told her I can accept just friendship, that I don't need her intimacy, that I've accepted that she doesn't love me and that stage of our relationship is over, even though I don't really believe it and still hope she'll come around. I'm just so confused and adrift right now. I want her, but she doesn't want me. I desperately don't want her to leave me. Any advice....help.


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## godswill (Jun 20, 2013)

If you really want to work this marriage out I would suggest you to keep doing what you are doing . Love can change things . Keep loving your wife . Create more occasions where you two will have more time to spend with each other. Do activities together which will allow you guys to be more interactive with each other . That Love that you are longing for will surely come back . 

You also have another reason : your son . He will have to go through a lot if marriage falls apart , you are the one here more understanding than your wife . If you try more I am sure things will work out well.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

You can't force a woman to love you. Just doesn't work. You are in the same situation as I was. No matter how hard you try, no matter how nice you can be, no matter how much you believe you've changed, if she doesn't have it in her, it just isn't going to happen.

I practically went insane for a year and a half with some crazy mood swings just hoping that she would love back. It sucks. I know how you are feeling, but the best thing you can do for yourself is to let her go and not bother being friends. You will never be able to heal properly if you remain. Be cordial with her but cut the rope now and move on with your life.


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## Dolfna (Jun 21, 2013)

Alpha said:


> You can't force a woman to love you. Just doesn't work. You are in the same situation as I was. No matter how hard you try, no matter how nice you can be, no matter how much you believe you've changed, if she doesn't have it in her, it just isn't going to happen.
> 
> I practically went insane for a year and a half with some crazy mood swings just hoping that she would love back. It sucks. I know how you are feeling, but the best thing you can do for yourself is to let her go and not bother being friends. You will never be able to heal properly if you remain. Be cordial with her but cut the rope now and move on with your life.


I am in the same boat with my husband. His spark for me is gone drown by beer  22 yrs


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Sososoin love said:


> I've told her I can accept just friendship, that I don't need her intimacy, that I've accepted that she doesn't love me and that stage of our relationship is over, even though I don't really believe it and still hope she'll come around.


Reread the sentence a few times. This is not only doomed to failure, but is a big set-up for conflict and resentment on your part down the road. 

Face your fear. Living together as friends will never work, especially with you still holding out hope for a reconciliation. How will you react the first time she goes out on a date with another man? How about when she stays out all night?

Is it over? Who can say? Do the 180, but it's not for show. You really have to turn things around and pursue your own happiness for real. Move your life forward, don;t sit around in a holding pattern for an outcome that most likely will never occur.

Good luck.


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