# just need some advice



## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

So my wife and I are separated now, we both reside in different places. My problem now is that I really don't (lol) stay at the other place....I honestly can't remember the last time I did. We both seem to look for an excuse for me to stay here. Even if it's a valid reason it's still an excuse. The main one is that our second car burned up in a fire and my wife works early in the morning, so it just makes more sense to stay here then to make the trip here at 6 in the morning. We both agree that we need to be separated but are having problems doing that it seems. We have been having deep talks and have been connecting much more now. Some, not all, of our issues with the infidelities have seemed easier to deal with. I feel like the place we were in was keeping bad memories and vibes in the present and when we moved it literally felt like a weight was lifted off.
Are we holding on out of loneliness or just because we feel like it's time to move on?
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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

Another thing that's been rolling around in my head is I'm afraid that we'll take it to a wonderful place where we want to commit to a life together and make it work, but the baby won't be mine and I won't be able to handle that. I'm trying my best to mentally prepare myself for this option. 
The part that is really bummy is that if it does end up being my child then I'm missing out on all the 'fun' of the pregnancy and anticipating the arrival. Instead I'm in like a holding patern and I don't enjoy being so detached from it all.
My 'bad days' are lessening quite a bit lately. I still have moments of bad thoughts, but they don't consume entire blocks of days anymore. I am trying to stay hopeful, but the baby thing is weighing on me. Why can't it be October already? And if this baby isn't mine and ends up being born on my anniversary I will just lose it .
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## Irish (Jun 15, 2010)

Sorry Josh, I'm pretty new here...but let me get this straight...you and your wife separated due to her getting pregnant while cheating? And you don't know if the baby is yours?

And you are "separated" but not really? It sounds to me that she is getting all the benefits of a husband without putting anything into the relationship...I'm sure it is way easier for her if you stay so that she can use your other car in the morning...BUT the one thing I've learned during my separation so far is that I cannot expect my husband to fix all of my day to day problems. This time is where I need to know that I can rely on me to get through each day.


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

Thanks for the response.
in reguards to the car, both of our names are on the title, but it was agreed that I would keep the car. The other one burning down was an unfortunate incident that is messing up the plans we had for separating. We had gotten a few months behind on multiple bills and I am catching up on those, since my dad is gracious enough to let me live rent free while I get back to square one in life, financially.
I agree that she isn't paying for things to the fullest extent yet, but as soon as we can get a second car then that will be implemented.
Things just feel like 'same ol' because nothing is going the way it was discussed before. I hope things change to where we have more of a dating relationship and try to see if getting back to our roots helps things out.
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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

So the ultrasound was on Wednesday and she found out that the baby is a boy. I'm kind of conflicted with that because she wanted a girl and so do I but I still didn't want the risk of her having that girl without me. It's selfish I know but it still made me a little happy, and made me feel bad about for being happy for it. I tried my best to stay withdrawn during and only have a 'being there for support' role, but then the tech said she was only 22 weeks instead od 25 like originally guessed it threw me for a loop. If that's the case then this will pretty much lock down that this is mine. Both of us have agreed that paternity of the child guarantees nothing for us one way or the other, but it just feels like we'd have a better shot if it was mine, for obvious reasons. I want to convince myself that I could do it if it wasn't mine, but I really don't think I'm a strong enough person to do that. Time will tell with all of this, I just don't know which way it will go. I think about it and I'm sad, this is hard
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## hyndsight1 (Jan 28, 2010)

Hey Josh, 

Sounds like as rough as things are you are making positive progress. I admire your ability to work through some of the infidelity issues, this is something I just couldn't get past. As far as the pregnancy: 
'It is better to regret something you have done than to regret something you havn't'. Sounds like the chances are getting better it is yours (congrats.... I think?), but if you will not know for sure until oct/nov, act now so that you will have no regrets in a year if things do work out. Just be careful not to 're-connect' to the point where it might cloud your judgement in a worst case scenario....my 2c. Hang in there Josh, brighter days will come.


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

Hey there hynd...nice to hear from you again buddy 
things do feel like my progress is about as positive as it can get. Your 'congrat...I think?' made me laugh because I had a close friend who said almost the exact same thing to me lol. He said he wasn't sure how he should respond so I told him to just say ok cool, and then move on 
I really wish the pregnancy wasn't involved because of how much it complicates things. She's done everything she can to convince me that reconciling has nothing to do with the pregnancy and being alone, but I think anyone would be doubtful of that in this situation. She told me she doesn't want to get her hopes up about me being the dad because she doesn't want to think in a certain track to be de-railed later.
Trying to keep my chin up is getting easier, but sometimes things are still overwhelming.
If you end up taking that bike trip through Iowa I would definately take you up on that beer offer....I've grown a bit of a taste for it since this all started lol
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## hyndsight1 (Jan 28, 2010)

"OK, cool".........
I'll have to look you up, I'll be going through the first week of oct. "beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy" .....Ben Franklin:smthumbup:


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

Such a fantastic quote...I will have to toast ol Ben next time 
and such good timing you have to be coming through around the time this baby is due to be born....lol.
I guess it's just a matter of finding the right topic to toast to at the time then. My new baby and positive steps forward, or have one as luck towards working past big problems in the future, or even cutting ties altogether.....screw it, as long as there's beer then it's fine haha 
haven't seen you post anything since your 'thank you' thread....how've things been on your end?
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## hyndsight1 (Jan 28, 2010)

A toast:
"May the best day of your past be the worst day of your future"

I'm adjusting.....My divorce was finalized a little over a week ago and I was away on business the week after, so I came home a couple of days ago to an empty house/no kids for the first time. I obviously knew the day would come, but it is pretty strange nontheless. Keeping myself ocupied seems to be the best medicine, which hasn't been hard to do recently. Plenty to do at work, chasing a new career, working on 'the list', to name a few. While I still have dark moments, (not days anymore), generaly I feel like a load has been lifted. I didn't realize how consuming the process was until it was over, now I have the time and energy to persue more productive things. Although posting here might seem contradictory, now I do it out of choice to continue my own personal growth rather than a self prescribed method of coping.


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

I feel the same...I know I will keep coming here even after my saga is in the books so to speak, and I'm right with you on the dark moments thing too. It used to be such a consuming venom that life had become to where it would just eat entire blocks of your week up. It's nice to have more of myself back. Good to hear that your end is looking up. I know how it feels to have some of that pressure off your shoulders. My dad and mom got divorced within the last year too and my dad started devoting himself to walks and jogs to keep him occupied. He also cooks and tries out new recipes all the time now. It's helping him cope much better then just winging it. I hope you can find that hobby quick so you can do that same self healing. He actually got around to de-friending my mom on facebook...I was so proud 
ps I need to buy whatever quote book you have because you're two for two, to me, so far in great quotes lol
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