# warning sign?



## Dash347s (Jan 14, 2013)

We've been married for 19 years. My wife has really been spending a lot of time with Facebook lately catching up with old friends. We have a great relationship and a great marriage. But a tragic death, seems to have been on her mind a lot lately.

Recently, one of her classmates and ex-boyfriend committed suicide. She broke up with him 20 years ago and then started dating me. I had never known him.

His house was the party house for everyone in her class when they were growing up. So they were all very close friends and very close with his mother.

My wife rarely had any contact with her old friends since we were married. Sometime I wonder if that is because of me.

Recently she said that she is going out for dinner with her ex's friends. (This just happens to be the weekend of my birthday. Apparently, I was informed that her ex's birthday was the same day as my birthday.) And his mom wants to bring everybody back together for parties. Just like the old days.

I'm not sure what to think of this.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

What are you concerned about here? Not getting attention for your birthday?


----------



## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Do you mean she went out to "dinner" on your birthday but really went to party with this guy's mom? 

I wouldn't think too hard on it and feel it out and see how it goes.


----------



## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I'm thinking be supportive, understanding and observant. I'm guessing this event has put her in a phase of reconnecting etc. Ideally, this passes and things get back to happy normal. If not then at some point her friends should become friends of both of your's and the interactions shared. As you know, you have to pick your battles and this one isn't there........yet.


----------



## StoneAngel (Oct 10, 2012)

I don't know if it is a warning sign, but it could certainly be a slippery slope.

Have you asked your wife why this death bothers her so much.?

I sounds to me like everyone is at that stage in life where they realize life is too short. Unfortunately for many 45ish this leads to reminising instead of broadening their horizons. They want to turn back the clock and remember how things used to be and the nostalgic feelings attached.

Reconnecting with old friends can be a wonderful thing, a way to experience some youth again, but it should be something one wants to share with one's spouse. 
Your wife may be open with you and tell you where she is going and who she is going with but if she is keeping her motivations for this new contact secret from you, that is the same as trickle truthing. So get to the bottom of what her motivation for this is.

The involvement (partying)with the EX's Mother is weird and is a way for the Mother to hang on to her deceased son. It is not healthy and could get very complicated. I would say no to it.


----------



## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Shoto1984 said:


> I'm thinking be supportive, understanding and observant. I'm guessing this event has put her in a phase of reconnecting etc. Ideally, this passes and things get back to happy normal. If not that at some point her friends should become friends of both of you and the interactions shared. As you know, you have to pick your battles and this one isn't there........yet.


My vote for best answer.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

StoneAngel said:


> I don't know if it is a warning sign, but it could certainly be a slippery slope.
> 
> Have you asked your wife why this death bothers her so much.?
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

This does not make a whole lot of sense to me either. She should be celebrating your birthday with you. That was way in the past. This is a slippery slope. Best to not go down that road.


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

I didn't know that adults even celebrated their birthday after the age of forty.


----------



## Dash347s (Jan 14, 2013)

Yes, it is a dinner and party with friends and ex's mom on my birthday. I was not invited but I don't feel I would even want to be there. It would be tense for me. 

I was supportive in that I believed she should go to the funeral. Where she caught up with some of her old classmates. 
Recently, her girlfriend wanted to get her a new job at a hospital where she works. And it turns out she would be working with her ex's mom. 

It just seems odd to me.

Maybe I am reading too much into this. I will take the advice of being supportive and abservant and go with the flow for now. Thank you all for your advice.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Seems odd that after so many years the ex's mom wouldn't take into account that most of the classmates would have SO's and that it might be appropriate to invite them as well.


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

I'm sorry but I'd be insulted if my wife wanted to go off for a nostalgic romp down memory lane ON MY BIRTHDAY!!

My wife and I make big deals out of our birthdays though so I'm looking at it through the dynamics of my marriage.

I don't know your wife, but knowing 2 wives of my own LOL and previous girlfriends...no activity but THEM is recommended for their birthday.

Do I think it's fishy, I don't know, not inviting spouses always spells fishy to me with gatherings like this. Aside from the obvious guys golf outing and girls afternoon shopping trips etc., I'm always suspicious when a spouse is intentionally being excluded.

This could be totally harmless and it's good to just ride it out but keep your eyes open. These may not be red flags, but there are definitely some kind of flag (exclusion of spouses and choosing this over your birthday).


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I would hope she also has plans for you, her husband for your birthday???


----------



## StoneAngel (Oct 10, 2012)

Dash347s said:


> Yes, it is a dinner and party with friends and ex's mom on my birthday. I was not invited but I don't feel I would even want to be there. It would be tense for me.
> 
> I was supportive in that I believed she should go to the funeral. Where she caught up with some of her old classmates.
> Recently, her girlfriend wanted to get her a new job at a hospital where she works. And it turns out she would be working with her ex's mom.
> ...


Why read anything into it? Why are you afraid to ask your wife questions? You can be very supportive and ask questions at the same time. Questions are not accusations. 
Maybe what your wife needs is for you to want to know the whole picture. Maybe she wants you to ask questions. That way you would truly be a support for her in this time and maybe she would not feel the need to use her old friends as much.

I don't quite understand. Do all of you live in the same city or town and for all these yrs no one has had any contact until now?

This new job her friend reommended is in the same city/town you currently live in or would it require a move? Is your wife considering this job?


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Dash347s said:


> Yes, it is a dinner and party with friends and ex's mom on my birthday. I was not invited but I don't feel I would even want to be there. It would be tense for me.


 She blows you off for your birthday so that she can observe the birthday of a former boyfriend. That is just wrong. The fact that you were not invited or made to feel welcome is even more wrong. The red flag is why does she not want you to meet her childhood friends? 



Dash347s said:


> I was supportive in that I believed she should go to the funeral. Where she caught up with some of her old classmates.


 There were male classmates at the funeral that she caught up with that will be at the party. Why does she not want you to meet them? Did you do know that after coworkers, former people that they knew from high school (even if they did not previously date) is the number one source of affair partners (both emotional affairs and physical affairs)?




Dash347s said:


> Maybe I am reading too much into this. I will take the advice of being supportive and abservant and go with the flow for now.


 You are not reading too much into this. This could be the beginning of an emotional affair (EA) relationship. I am not saying that it is an EA yet, but this is how they get started and the common thread is that the spouse is not made to feel welcome. Tell her that you would like to go and meet her friends. There is no good reason for her not to have you meet her friends from the past. If she resists this then you know that something is wrong, and you tell her that she either goes with you or she should not go. It is easier to stop an EA before it takes root than after. Go ahead and take the heat now, but this is a time that it is better to be safe than sorry.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Shoto1984 said:


> I'm thinking be supportive, understanding and observant. I'm guessing this event has put her in a phase of reconnecting etc. Ideally, this passes and things get back to happy normal. If not then at some point her friends should become friends of both of your's and the interactions shared. As you know, you have to pick your battles and this one isn't there........yet.


I'd take this path and keep my eyes open. If I was in her shoes, attending would feel like the right thing to do when a grieving mother asks me to do something that I believe would help her recover, but I would only allow it on a rare occasion and not make it a regular part of my life. 

If your wife feels similarly, she might feel you're being insensitive to her values if you don't support her going, but you also should not be a doormat that gets walked on.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

hookares said:


> I didn't know that adults even celebrated their birthday after the age of forty.


I started celebrating birthdays after 40 frankly.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Dash347s said:


> Yes, it is a dinner and party with friends and ex's mom on my birthday. I was not invited but I don't feel I would even want to be there. It would be tense for me.
> 
> I was supportive in that I believed she should go to the funeral. Where she caught up with some of her old classmates.
> Recently, her girlfriend wanted to get her a new job at a hospital where she works. And it turns out she would be working with her ex's mom.
> ...


I think it would be a wise idea if you went with her. This just sounds weird from end to end.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I agree that if she goes you go with her. That is a normal thing to do anyways. Why not introduce these folks to her husband. She is no longer single and no longer in high school.

She should want you to go with her.


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

hookares said:


> I didn't know that adults even celebrated their birthday after the age of forty.


I'm 40 and I don't really focus on my birthday but my wife does. She's awesome like that. For me, just a quiet night out would be ideal, just the two of us. I get that and more obviously.

For her, she's 36 and we joke about her "birthday week". Her birthday is close to christmas so growing up it was often swept under the rug. Don't get me wrong her parents threw parties and did cake etc. but it's not easy having birthday parties that close to christmas (we still deal with this) so I make sure an entire week is dedicated to it. I want her to feel truly special.

I'll usually do a few special things. This year was tickets to a muscial, ice skating in the capital, dinner and a night at a blues club etc. Make it so she doesn't lift a finger all week, 

Now I think the only change for her after 40 is saying the number LOL. She'll still want the birthday but don't say the number.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Dad&Hubby said:


> I'm 40 and I don't really focus on my birthday but my wife does. She's awesome like that. For me, just a quiet night out would be ideal, just the two of us. I get that and more obviously.
> 
> For her, she's 36 and we joke about her "birthday week". Her birthday is close to christmas so growing up it was often swept under the rug. Don't get me wrong her parents threw parties and did cake etc. but it's not easy having birthday parties that close to christmas (we still deal with this) so I make sure an entire week is dedicated to it. I want her to feel truly special.
> 
> ...


We typically just use birthdays as a special date night. In fact we tend to celebrate the birthday on a weekend before or after the actual day. It is typically a nice dinner out as opposed to a birthday party.


----------



## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Clear up my confusion... you're jealous of the dead guy?

You should go with her though. If there's no mischievious intent with some other party she's reconnected with, then she would want to connect her old life with her current life... reunion style.

She dated this guy, but treat it as though someone she was good friends with passed.


----------



## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

I think the party sounds weird, for sure, and I also think trying to relive teenage glory only leads to depression honestly- but I wouldn't be particularly worried about it.

But I do think it's a bit crappy to blow off your H on his birthday for people you knew in high school.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

pink_lady said:


> I think the party sounds weird, for sure, and I also think trying to relive teenage glory only leads to depression honestly- but I wouldn't be particularly worried about it.


 He had no issue with her going to the funeral alone so it is not like he is unreasonable. The red flag issue is that he is not welcome at the party either. My wife is welcome to meet all of my friends and I am made to feel welcome to meet all of hers. It is absolutely strange that with this group of friends that for all intent and purposes she is suppose to be single like she was in high school. Again why is he as her husband not welcome to the dinner party?


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Are other spouses invited?


----------

