# I want to confront the OW



## Astonefeather (Jan 1, 2010)

I have only heard that it's a mistake to confront the other woman. It only validates their existence, it gives them power, etc. 

However, I want to confront her anyway. I don't want to discuss anything with her, I just want to make my feelings clear in a letter. She was a knowledgeable and willing participant in an emotional affair that ultimately led to the end of my marriage.

My marriage had problems, but the affair was the last straw. I wanted to work on things, but I wasn't willing to work on a marriage when there was a third party. I was pregnant and struggling with feelings of isolation and emotional neglect. I refused to let this woman remain in our lives. Both this woman and my husband lied to me that they were no longer in contact, then they went underground. 

My husband is paying a huge price for his transgressions, has dropped contact with the OW and is making a huge effort to be a family again. But this woman has gotten off without penalty and that isn't fair. I want to send her a letter. I want to send her husband a letter exposing the affair.

It might be that nothing changes, but I don't think I can simply "let it go" and move on.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I know everyone says don't do it, it only validates them, but some how I think "letting them have it" can be therapeutic. However, for it to be effective, a letter isn't going to cut it. Face to Face or at the very least, on the phone would be better.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Don't talk with her. Talk with her husband. Let him know what kind of woman he married. Then drop it. If he is not willing to leave after he finds out, then that is his problem.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

FYI...I told her husband even after she said he knew. Guess what...it blew up her world, but he is willing to stay after multi affairs. Go figure.


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## BrokenVows (Oct 12, 2012)

I emailed the OW. She claimed that my H told her he was divorced, which is a total lie on her end because when he tried to end the A she threatened him that she would tell me about the A if he did. C'mon now, she knew.

In any event, I felt better letting her know that her desperate sorry a$$ shouldn't have messed with a married man & their A hurt his wife of 20 years & 3 innocent children. She had the nerve to tell me that she understands the hurt but she is hurting the same as me??? Excuse me, did you not hear 20 years & 3 kids vs. 1 year here and there, I don't think it's the same pain lady! 

I know that my H is responsible for disrespecting me and our family, but she went along with it knowingly, that's why I felt I needed to give her a piece of my mind. Both must face consequences IMO.

I say do what makes you feel better, I don't regret contacting her. But I'm sure others have other stories that say otherwise. To each their own. Good luck.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Astonefeather - if you find yourself thinking about contacting the OW constantly, so that it is becoming intrusive - I say just go with the feeling and do it. Otherwise, you'll always think about it. Just be prepared for some potential backlash - or possibly even indifference.

I contacted the POSOM in my case and it helped me to move on. Of course, he denied the affair - because he's a cowardly POS with no morals. But seeing his pathetic denials and how he tried to blame my STBXW for "throwing him under the bus" made me realize what a pathetic POS he was and how pathetic my wife was to get involved with him.

After you send the letter - just move on. The OW will eventually get hers via the karma bus. Try to get into a position where you don't even care.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You should inform the husband first, before the ow gets the idea that you just might have the guts to do exactly that. Include the best proof you can.

Then, if you still feel the need to confront, go ahead, but get calm first. Focus, make sure you do not allow yourself to do anything you will greatly regret later. Don't expect much, she most likely will not give you the satisfaction you want.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

I agree with the others tell the husband, he deserves to know also and will no doubt cause her pain.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Do it. You're in the right. Whatever makes you feel good is ok. They made a choice; now you are.

It feels great by the way. Just keep calm.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

OW contacted my by requesting my friendship on FB in OCT, I told H how gave her hell for like a day, she cried and said it was an accident that she wanted to see what I looked like and friended me by mistake. I sent her an email, telling her my life is an open book and I have nothing to hide.

Since then she sent me a letter, 2 FB messages, and another Friend request on my work FB page. 

He believed her when she denied sending the letter, and the FB messeges. She said I "created" them to make him hate her. I forwarded him the email notification of the last FB request , and he told me to just call her and deal with her then. He wasn't getting in the middle of us fighting. Seriously, he brought her into our marriage. I told him I forgave him, asked him to end contact with her and work on us. He is moving out next week, as we have been working on getting him his own place for months. He says he can't feel for me what he used to. NO **** because he is growing another relationship.

After the last contact from her I sent her a message, and told her exactly what I thought of her. SHE DOESNT seem to care. You know why??? cause he has spun a story to her that allows her to believe she is not wrong! one word KARMA!!!!!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Yeah, definitely tell her H what happened.

Your H did many mistakes in the marriage but I think infidelity isn't one of them. I don't think he ever had those intentions in mind. 

Maybe power trip isn't the right word but have a feeling that you are acting a little vindictive these days.


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

Astonefeather said:


> I want to send her husband a letter exposing the affair.


THIS. This needs to be done out of respect for OWH. He has the right to know that his marriage has been attacked by someone he should trust the most - his wife. 

I suspect that confronting OW will not have the impact you would like:

- She'll cry.
- She'll lie.
- She'll attack back, by telling you that your H preferred her, wanted her over you, etc etc. She'll likely embellish their affair to create the maximum amount of pain for you.

I don't see any of these things as being helpful to you. 

However, exposing the affair to her husband will alert him to the POS he's married to and will put an extra set of eyes on her to help ensure that the affair doesn't reignite. 

And when you DO expose, do it personally. Call him on the phone and tell him. Emails or FB contacts can be intercepted by the OW. 

And a nice benefit of exposure for YOU is that her little secret has been outed to the one person she doesn't want knowing about it. Let the karma bus roll.


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## berlin292 (Dec 18, 2012)

This is the key sentence:

My husband is paying a huge price for his transgressions, has dropped contact with the OW and is making a huge effort to be a family again.

That is a very good development. If he's doing the right things, make that the focus of your efforts and energy, NOT the OW.

I would advise cutting all contact between YOU and the OW, just as you H has cut all contact.

Best of luck.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Lovingwife315 said:


> OW contacted my by requesting my friendship on FB in OCT, I told H how gave her hell for like a day, she cried and said it was an accident that she wanted to see what I looked like and friended me by mistake. I sent her an email, telling her my life is an open book and I have nothing to hide.
> 
> Since then she sent me a letter, 2 FB messages, and another Friend request on my work FB page.
> 
> ...


Wow, your husband is really a piece of work, talk about not taking responsibility for his choice to have the affair.
I hope you saw right past that little bit of nastiness on his part.

To the OP, if you confront the OW, know that you more than likely will not get the satisfaction you seek.
This woman owes you nothing, she wasn't the one to take vows with you, she doesn't have a family with you.
All she is is the OW, that's it.
If anything you should out her to her husband & expose her life to a similar hell that you have been through.
Now that would be justice to her having an affair with your husband.


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## Here we go again (Dec 1, 2012)

i confronted the OW in person, in a public place so I wouldnt loose my cool completely, it helped me more than i thought. when she came in to the restraunt and sat down at the table i told her that she was not to talk until i was finished saying what i needed to say to her. little history my H was haveing an EA for a month that i know of, i found an email from her saying she has feelings for him, when i confronted him about the email he called her in front of me and said that was never his intentions, he loved me and his family and that she did not need to contact him ever again for other than for work, which he then told her that if she had to send an email to him to include me on everything. (he cant delete his work emails and the ones he can i can retrieve) anyway that didnt satisfy me, so i told her to meet me. i told her that she had no business talking to my husband, and that i wanted her to see that i was the one wearing his ring, i also told her that he was a willing participant in all of this but i was dealing with his separatly. i gave her a copy of the email i had printed out and told her that was her copy, i had the origonal saved on my computer. (we all work at the same company but i work on another shift) i gave her the no contact letter signed by my H and myself, and told her that if she contacted him other than work issues 1. i would report her to her boss, and 2. i would get a restraining order which would complicate her work also. i asked her what in her mind made her justify what they were doing and she responded that they were both having issues at home and were just talking as friends at first but then she started having feelings for my H and thought he should know. i then told her that now he knows, he doesnt want her, and she needed to leave us alone and walked out. if you need to confront the ow just for your own sanity go for it. but i tell you, counseling helps also. we had our first session this past weekend and i feel much better, not 100% yet, but i have not obsessed over it since then. my H on the other hand (who didnt think anything he was doing was wrong) got a huge wake up call, our counselor tore into him, (in a nice way, its a christian based group lol) he made him see that what he was doing was cheating, and i finally got to tell him exactly how i felt without it turning into a huge arguement. you need to get everything out of your system or you will be stuck where you are and not be able to move on for yourself. good luck to you


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Expose to OWH and you will have done more than enough.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> Don't talk with her. Talk with her husband. Let him know what kind of woman he married. Then drop it. If he is not willing to leave after he finds out, then that is his problem.


:iagree:

To contact the OW just feeds her ego. She already knows what she contributed to the demise of the marriage and doesn't care. She feeds off the attention and it gives her a false sense of importance. Don't do it.

Instead, contact her H. I believed you referred to him as her "common law husband" in your original thread. Let him know how she interfered in your marriage, contacted your H, made requests/demands of him, all while you were pregnant. Let him know that his W is using other men (your H) to meet her needs.

Tell nobody (not your H - not the OW) what you are about to do. Does her H support her, or does she work? If I remember correctly, they have no children together. My devious side suggests that, before you actually send the letter, make sure to added the appropriate "bullet points" in order to get the maximum reaction of betrayal to her H, since her actions did in fact betray him as well. Work on the wording. You might not get a second chance to cause maximum damage in her relationship.

She is not worthy of any more direct attention. She feeds on it. It makes her feel important. It makes her think she still has power over you and your H. Instead, focus on her BS.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Yes. 

Theres a poster by the name of honestly whose dirtbag husband left her for a girl who looks like she should be at a band camp this summer. 

Said girl has taken to emulating honest, clothes, haircuts, and has repeatedly tried to establish contact with her as if equals or something and all attempts at contact have been rebuffed. 

She wants to be acknowledged by you stone. 

She knows she caused the end of your marriage, hell you came to her and asked her to back off, but she persisted so she knew what she was doing and what would come off it. 

You need to treat her as if she doesn't exist or matter, but like I said expose to her husband.

Don't tell your husband you plan to do this either or he'll warn her, and she'll start making you out to be some friend's hyper jealous wife. 

When you tell him, tell him that your husband and his wife have been talking and devoting too much time and attention to each other. Don't say affair first, say the above and he will confirm as it will be as bad for him as it is for you. 

Then say while you have no evidence of it being physical you were highly displeased with having 3 people in the marriage, which is something I suspect he'll sympathize with.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

She needs to understand and feel that she doesn't exist to you.She is nothing.She is less than nothing.Talk to her husband,not her.

But if you can't resist confronting her: look fabulous when you do it,naturally pretty and not overdone,keep your head up and your shoulders back.Don't yell or curse.Don't throw petty insults at her no matter how badly you want to do it.Show yourself as a reasonable and in control female only seeking answers.You already know you're the better woman...make sure she knows it too.

And for heavens sake DON'T LET THAT B**CH SEE YOU CRY!


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> She needs to understand and feel that she doesn't exist to you.She is nothing.She is less than nothing.Talk to her husband,not her.
> 
> But if you can't resist confronting her: look fabulous when you do it,naturally pretty and not overdone,keep your head up and your shoulders back.Don't yell or curse.Don't throw petty insults at her no matter how badly you want to do it.Show yourself as a reasonable and in control female only seeking answers.You already know you're the better woman...make sure she knows it too.
> 
> And for heavens sake DON'T LET THAT B**CH SEE YOU CRY!


All of this is good too.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think she was in a power struggle with you for your H and she effectively lost (assuming your H has truly established NC.) She was blatant, I thought, in her machinations.

I would not get into anything with her. She needs the control too much. I think it's asking for much more trouble.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

Phenix70- She has no husband....but I considered contacting her twin sister who is very close with her and is in a committed realationship.....just want her to feel the pain of someone thinking she is a wrong as I do!


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## MysticMouse (Dec 17, 2012)

I think you should have your husband write out every detail of the affair complete with a timeline, then send that to her husband.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Kasler said:


> Expose to OWH and you will have done more than enough.


Exactly.

You did not even have to meet the OW, still, expose to the OWBF or OWH, whatever she has.

You seem pretty strong, keep it that way. Remember that your husband is the one that also partook. If you want to take it out on anyone, admonish him because she has no vows with you, your husband does.


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