# 20 year marriage on the rocks--big time



## kaboom9328 (Dec 17, 2013)

Heres my story

I married my highschoold sweetheart... we met when i was 16 and she was 15. We married some 6 years later and have been married for 20 years and have 2 beautiful kids together.

My wife is very attractive and has always felt the need to be the centre of attention. She is (or err was) very loving but extremely moody and addicted to social media.

soon after the birth of our first I had an affair with a co-worker who was a mutual friend of both of us. I left my wife for several months and moved into this womans home. I could not let go of my wife during this time and some 4 months into my affair my second was conceived (yes he is mine) I eventually broke it off with my AP, took a demotion from my job, and moved back home to be with my wife and family.(she graciously took me back) 

We had a great couple years however she eventually became involved with a man from here work and they had a lengthy EA and brief PA. I found out rather quickly ( not that she admitted it, but I am naturally suspicous) and she admitted it and her mistake. No real time of reconcilliation (but I was still feeeling guilty for my indiscretion so I didnt force anything)

My wife had communicated our concerns about our sex life a few years ago. Problem was she was not interested in sex earlier in the evening as I would be. Because of my profession I had to get up fairly early in the morning and was asleep most nights by 11 (leaving me with bout 5 hours sleep) she would come to bed (after checking her various social media accounts around midnight and want sex) by the I was no longer interested

She met a male thru a mutual friend and they began an affair. He was married at the time and was not employed but played guitar (damn band bastards) I found out about the affair shortly after it happened and she promised to change. (and I was more than willing to do so, as I had been unfaithful in the past) but she didnt really stop... about 9 months later I had finally had enough and on our 20th anniversary told her that if she finally couldnt stop she needed to move out.

She gave me the "im confused " and the " ilybinilwu" and moved out about a month later. We share custody with our now teenage kids. I have told her about my desire to reconcile and save our lengthy marriage. 

Ive been getting trickled truthed bout her ongoing relationship with the man she left me for. He is now employed part time however she supports him financially (I am paying her monthly according to the seperation agreement we drafted) He had a wife and two boys that he left a couple mos ago to be with my wife.

Finally, heres what I struggle with.... I am (or atleast was) fairly close to retirement (within 10 years) She doesnt want to touch my pension but .... courts in Canada will automatically divide it... She keeps tellling me that she loves me...texts me several times a day.... and MAY want to work on our marriage IF she feels wanted. Now we had an adequate sex life i think but she would turn me down before 9 pm and only wanted it after i had gone to bed...still we had sex a couple times a week. As i stated she has always needed to be the centre of attention. always been attractive and knew it, and would do whatever it took to make sure people knew it. 

She spends several nights a week with her new man and has been introduced to his kids, she has not introduced ours to him. We spend a great deal of time together and have been intimate several times since she left in August.

I have spent numerous months lurking on here and on other forums and know all about the 180, nc AND lC. i guess i am just looking for advice on what to do. We have a history, I am not innocent, and neither of us can let each other go

any advice


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

looks like she has checked out and the i love you texts is to keep you hooked until she wants to move on. she needs her fall back plan. my advice tell her you are done and file for a divorce. right now you are playing into her plans.

you need to show her that you are fine without her. you know about the 180 do it. dont talk to her at all unless about the kids or divorce. if she texts you dont answer back. if she calls you only talk about the kids or d, if she tries talking about something else tell her bye and hang up.

thats only if you want to attempt an R if not move on dude.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

Since when is she setting the terms....IF she feels wanted?

Drop her now. You are the doormat, plan B and she's still screwing her new BF.

Do the 180 and file for divorce. She is cake-eating in the worst way and it's time to show her that she has by her actions checked out of your life, for good.

She has some nerve telling you she'll work on the marriage IF......

Do not listen to that crap. She's either with you or she's not, and she's not. She's with another man, openly. That's all there is to say.

Doing the 180 means NC. You serve her, you tell her it's done and that you will from now on talk to her only about legal matters.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

"Finally, heres what I struggle with.... I am (or atleast was) fairly close to retirement (within 10 years) She doesnt want to touch my pension but .... courts in Canada will automatically divide it."

That's pretty much the crux of your problem Dawg. I think you know you're history with this dame. The reason she sez she'll work on the marriage "if" this happens and "if" that happens is because she knows her demands will never happen and she will be free of you while blaming your inflexibility. Time to consider your other options my man.


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## kaboom9328 (Dec 17, 2013)

Tks Terrence and pre.... Oh boy I wish it was that easy. Let's just say I am very resourceful and know exactly how much time she spends with him. My children are having a hard time and don't like spending time at her apt. I will eventually be forced to sell the only home they have known (which makes me sad). 

Years later I still feel guilty for my affair!! She says she can't see a future with this douche but has strong feelings for him ( I have the FB msg professing there love and some really raunchy crap). But she wants to feel wanted and desired all the time and doesn't know whether I can give her that!!! We have some great times together but I'm not sure anymore. She continually throws up my affair from 14 years ago and says she hasn't forgiven me and is angry


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## kaboom9328 (Dec 17, 2013)

Tks phoenix... You may be right I'm afraid. I have told her I don't wanna b a plan b, however I still love her dearly. I still carry alot of guilt over my affair years ago and want to believe she will to and come back. However the thought of what she is currently doing drives me crazy. 

My kids are my reason for not completely melting down, however they are not naive and I think they suspect she is seeing someone. They have made it clear they will spend time with any other significant other and have started pulling away from her. I also struggle as I won't lie to them if they ask about him. I have told her this, which she got very angry about

I do want R and have a capacity to forgive and work. But I am reaching a point here


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

kaboom,

You said you laid down an ultimatum before your 20th anniversary: POS or your M.

She chose POS.

You HAVE to follow through and file for D and do the 180. Expose the A to friends and family as the reason for the D.

If you want R, she has to see that she is truly losing you and her family.

Even though she moved out you have continued to be there for her. She is cake-eating and using you as a Plan B.

You have to follow through on your ultimatum or you lose all credibility in the situation.

And her throwing your stupid A from 14 years ago in your face is pure and simple blameshifting.

She took you back AND already had one RA (sorry, but I sorta understand those)...this is now her SECOND PA...this had NOTHING to do with her hurt and anger over your long ago betrayal.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Something tells me that dbb (damn band bastard) will go away, Your old lady is going to get tired of supporting his @ss and as she gets older she will want that stability and security your job has to offer.

Hell the two of you are made of the same cloth and with kids involved I bet you become the OM and dbb becomes the betrayed boyfriend.

Just give it time and back off, she will see she can't have you and go after you leaving dbb in the dark.

In time she will tire of being the band groupie and see this for what it really is. 

So go get a belly warmer in the mean time and once your old lady hears about that she will start to think twice in what she is about to lose.

Hell you guys are meant for each other, your old lady just needs to figure out what bad choices she made and how it is destroying the family unit.

Your chick is just infatuated just like you were 14 years ago and look what happened...you went back.

So my advise is smile wish her the best and distance your self..it just might save this marriage.

People want what they can't have so give it shot and figure in a couple of months she comes back and tries to get that belly warmer out of your bed and replace it with her own self.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

wow..... at this point why dont you find another lady to date with in order that both of you have a dubble life?
Seriusly..... you need to put a stop on this! You both made mistakes but the problem here is that you are still making them!!!!
Talk to a lawyer, get the D. papers ready, then talk to her and tell her that you cant go on this way... show her yhe papers and leave it to her.... sign or R. right now with bounderies.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

kaboom9328 said:


> Heres my story
> 
> I married my highschoold sweetheart... we met when i was 16 and she was 15. We married some 6 years later and have been married for 20 years and have 2 beautiful kids together.
> 
> ...


Don't be intimate with her again until she dumps him.. go cold. You can't be plan b. Stop. She already let you go, you need to do the same. It's your only chance to get her back if you want her back.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

kaboom9328 said:


> Tks Terrence and pre.... Oh boy I wish it was that easy. Let's just say I am very resourceful and know exactly how much time she spends with him. My children are having a hard time and don't like spending time at her apt. I will eventually be forced to sell the only home they have known (which makes me sad).
> 
> Years later I still feel guilty for my affair!! She says she can't see a future with this douche but has strong feelings for him ( I have the FB msg professing there love and some really raunchy crap). But she wants to feel wanted and desired all the time and doesn't know whether I can give her that!!! We have some great times together but I'm not sure anymore. She continually throws up my affair from 14 years ago and says she hasn't forgiven me and is angry


You've been in false R for 14 years while she found a boyfriend.. to get revenge, and now she's confused. You can't make her feel desired if she's taking a dump on your feelings, you need to make that clear. That you can't desire her if she's being a bad person. You know that your affair was wrong, and now she's doing the same thing which shows she can't be too angry about it if she'd go the same route. She validated that an affair is acceptable behavior, and can't throw anything in your face anymore, or be angry.. she lost her moral high ground. Make that clear. You'll talk about your affair, exactly after she goes NC with her current AP and gives herself to you 100% not 20%...


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

kaboom9328 said:


> Heres my story
> 
> any advice ?


If you want to divorce her get an attorney.

If you want to kill the affair and save the marriage get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

You letting her go back and forth to between your bed and the OM is making you appear weak.

Women are not attracted to weak men.

Door mat time is over.

Time to man up is now. Get that book. It is not expensive.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

If you want to R then file for D. Sounds counter intuitive but if she see that she is going be without her security blanket which is you plan B she may snap out of her fog, midlife crisis what ever you want to call it.

She is getting what she wants right now so she will string you along. Talk with her only about the kids and bills. Do not respond to the I love you texts, ignore them.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You need to appear strong not weak. Appearing as a weakling only makes OM that much more attractive and you that much more pathetic. 

I know how this sounds but your best bet to move forward with your life. Either with R or D is to file now and do a hard 180. 

She will either come around or won't. Limbo is no way to live and will not help you to achieve anything but more pain. 

Good luck
Wd
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

Simple really. 

-Expose Affair to EVERYONE. 

-File for Divorce and serve her. 

-Hard 180. 
Only communicate with her about children- really should be only done with e-mails. And only about emergencies or last minute scheadule changes. 

-Detach. 

-No more "i luv u" or anything of any empathy or sympathetic gestures- this means sex too. 
-
Pretend she's basically a non-entity. 

-Have her move out of the house-again, not every guy can pull this off, but give it a shot. If not, just completely ignore her. The important thing here, is NEVER move out of YOUR home. The cheater should be the one that leaves. 

Really bout it. Oh yeah, get screened for STD's and HIV.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Sounds to me that this marriage was pretty broken before her affairs and you are responsible for the bulk of the issues, if for no other reason than you had an affair first and left her with a young child. You should have put the effort into fixing the issues in your marriage instead of your affair. I can't help but feel that what you did to her is at the root of what she is doing to you now.

Without going into the "whys and wherefores", I think you should initiate divorce, for both your benefit and hers and end this farce. If your lucky, the divorce filing might be a wake-up call to her that her "fall back guy" isn't going to wait for her to make up her mind about who she wants to be with and she will come back to you. She took you back after you screwed her ... you can return the favor (and that is something I normally never recommend). However I do think it is really best if you both move on and both of you learn from your mistakes.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

The Middleman said:


> Sounds to me that this marriage was pretty broken before her affairs and you are responsible for the bulk of the issues, if for no other reason than you had an affair first and left her with a young child. You should have put the effort into fixing the issues in your marriage instead of your affair. I can't help but feel that what you did to her is at the root of what she is doing to you now.
> 
> Without going into the "whys and wherefores", I think you should initiate divorce, for both your benefit and hers and end this farce. If your lucky, the divorce filing might be a wake-up call to her that her "fall back guy" isn't going to wait for her to make up her mind about who she wants to be with and she will come back to you. She took you back after you screwed her ... you can return the favor (and that is something I normally never recommend). However I do think it is really best if you both move on and both of you learn from your mistakes.


:iagree:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Did you two rugsweep your affair at the time? 

If so, I think couple's counselling would be helpful to deal with the s**t that did happen and the s**t that is happening.


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## kaboom9328 (Dec 17, 2013)

Thanks for all the advice...I do need to hear it.

She did move out about 5 months ago and we share custody of the kids (altho I do have them more as she moved to the next town over)

Yes we did counselling after my affair and I did everything that was recommended. Led a completely transparent life and she had access to anything she wanted (cell, computer etc...) We moved hours away from my AP and there was no chance of running into the woman and havent seen nor spoken to her since I broke it off.

She still has a great deal of anger in her and blames me for everything. Has and Is rewriting our marriage history and takes responsibility for nothing. She does not believe she is having an affair any longer since the day she moved out. She continues to be very jealous of any f/m friends I have.

I have completed outed her affair to almost everyone. I told the other BS (and she kicked him out) told her brother (who is my bestfriend and is livid with her) and her parents... Other people have seen her around town with the POS so its becoming common knowledge.

I am going to follow the 180 advice after the holidays are over. We will spend Christmas day together as a family as I owe that to our kids who are so looking forward to it. I really should have done it months ago but kept getting dragged back in as i was very lonely and fell for the breadcrumbs. 

Frequently I would get upset with her when I saw her car at his place, and then she had the nerve to tell me I was making it harder to R cause i was upset.

Middleman-- I agree that i am atleast partly responsible for her current behaviour because of my past behaviour.. I am painfully aware of that actually Perhaps that is why I keep hanging on.. Feel guilty for what I did, she hung on and waited for me to come back.

but I am getting past the point of no return here...quickly


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

kaboom

Can I make one suggestion.

Give your wife the gift she wants.

Give her "freedom".

Practice what we call the "Let Her Go" strategy.

Do it on Christmas.

In a box place divorce papers. Wrap it up. Give it to her. Not in front of the kids.

Tell her you are sorry for what happened 14 years ago. Tell her she has made it clear she wants out of the marriage and you will no longer discuss the marriage with her.

Give her the ultimate gift; a life without you in it.

I know it is totally against what you want or feel but your wife gave you a clue. Everytime you press her she pushes you a little further away.

So let her go. Do it on Christmas. Tell her goodbye. Hand her your ring.

And thank her for the 20 years.

Then do the 180 hard. Start preparing your life without her. Get good counsel from an attorney. Put the house up for sale or start showing to realtors.

Discuss the financial aspects of your divorce with her and that is it.

If that does not show her consequences nothing will. 

When you really think about it you my man have nothing to lose because right now she is with him.......

And that is how she will understand you will no longer tolerate being her Plan B.

Sorry you had to feel like how she felt 14 years ago. I truly am.

HM


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

You have received great advice. Follow it.

Stop being plan b.

Start moving on with your life. She has a lover. 

Move on. Get divorced. Start over. Find someone new.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Middleman,

She took him back and already had one RA (which I personally don't have an issue with, I understand them if a person is going to stay in a M...I know many disagree but I think giving a WS a taste of their own medicine isn't a bad thing).

This current A isn't an RA at all...this is all on her crappy choices.

OP should file D and start to move on.

His A and the subsequent RA by her should have been enough of an experience to convince them both that infidelity was something to be kept out of the M in the future.

Apparently, OP learned this lesson and has been loyal since.

His WW has not, and has now dragged a whole new pile of s**t into the M.

Kick her to the curb HARD, OP.

She has to learn that you will not go through these same life lessons about adultery over again with her.


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## 10th Engineer Harrison (Dec 11, 2013)

kaboom9328 said:


> Heres my story
> 
> I married my highschoold sweetheart... we met when i was 16 and she was 15. We married some 6 years later and have been married for 20 years and have 2 beautiful kids together.
> 
> ...


Yes. Let each other go.

-ol' 2long


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## 10th Engineer Harrison (Dec 11, 2013)

kaboom9328 said:


> Tks Terrence and pre.... Oh boy I wish it was that easy. Let's just say I am very resourceful and know exactly how much time she spends with him. My children are having a hard time and don't like spending time at her apt. I will eventually be forced to sell the only home they have known (which makes me sad).


Why the hell are you paying for her fnckhouse?



> Years later I still feel guilty for my affair!!


Well, you are. By she's "guilty" for hers. 2 wrongs don't make a right, and putting up with her affair and living as a cuckhold/doormat isn't making amends for your affair either.



> She says she can't see a future with this douche but has strong feelings for him ( I have the FB msg professing there love and some really raunchy crap). But she wants to feel wanted and desired all the time and doesn't know whether I can give her that!!! We have some great times together but I'm not sure anymore. She continually throws up my affair from 14 years ago and says she hasn't forgiven me and is angry


The best way 2 make her wake up and pull her head out of her nethers is 2 STOP giving her anything that she thinks she wants (except the affair). Don't do anything for her. She wants 2 shag the OM? Let him do EVERYTHING for her. 

Look, if you don't grow a pair SOON, you won't care what she does, and when she wants 2 come home, the prospect will make you sick. 

-ol' 2long


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## kaboom9328 (Dec 17, 2013)

You are all making some very valid points and I do appreciate the advice

Although I do not think I could serve her divorce papers on Christmas day as my gift to her,,,,I did like the thought of it though. My kids deserve to have us civil on that day. I don't want them to have that as a memory of Xmas 2013

I live in our home full time and with my kids most of the time and she has moved out so yes I still pay the mortgage here and give her child support (she works full time as well but I make more). Divorce rules in Canada are basically no fault. The courts divide the marital assets evenly and have a grid which shows how much u will pay based on your income. We don't have a great deal of equity in our house yet but I will probably end up having to sell it ( I can afford it on my own but she won't agree to that as her new POS lives in govt assisted housing). 

I will give her an ultimatum after xmas and if she isn't back immediately the 180 and D proceedings will b put in place immediately


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## 10th Engineer Harrison (Dec 11, 2013)

kaboom9328 said:


> You are all making some very valid points and I do appreciate the advice
> 
> Although I do not think I could serve her divorce papers on Christmas day as my gift to her,,,,I did like the thought of it though. My kids deserve to have us civil on that day. I don't want them to have that as a memory of Xmas 2013


So serve her the next day.



> I live in our home full time and with my kids most of the time and she has moved out so yes I still pay the mortgage here and give her child support (she works full time as well but I make more).


If you have the kids more than 50% of the time, why do you pay her any child support? 



> Divorce rules in Canada are basically no fault. The courts divide the marital assets evenly and have a grid which shows how much u will pay based on your income.


And who has primary custody, right? If you're not seeking primary or even sole custody, why not?



> We don't have a great deal of equity in our house yet but I will probably end up having to sell it ( I can afford it on my own but she won't agree to that as her new POS lives in govt assisted housing).


That's not your problem. If you can afford the house, buy her out of her share of what equity you have and get her off the deed. Let her and the POSOM worry about their own housing without any assistance from you.



> I will give her an ultimatum after xmas and if she isn't back immediately the 180 and D proceedings will b put in place immediately


WRONG. What ultimatum could you possibly give that she'd give a flying frak about?

She left you. What else does she need 2 say or do 2 convince you that your marriage is dead already? Get yourself a mean lawyer and shoot for the moon. Negotiate from there.

-ol' 2long


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

:iagree:

An ultimatum is pointless. Serve her and give her the freedom she wants, with a nice Let Her Go note.

Happyman said it nicely.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

tyityiqing said:


> I married my highschoold sweetheart...


Yup.... I thought it was a blessing, not a curse...


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

File for d

Move forward with your life. She will either join you or get left behind. Limbo is no way to live. It only enables affairs and makes you less attractive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

OP just remember its is not your job to show your wife why she should love you.. That is her job.. 

Your job is to love your wife and show her you love her.. 

I know everyone here has tried at one point to try to explain to their ex why the ex should love them and be with them.. 

Unfortunately that is something they need to see and understand on their own.. 

Once you accept that and can deal with that reality everything is much easier.. 

I know I keep running around trying to show my wife why I deserved her love.. Why I was the right choice.. Once my mind cleared I understood how wrong I was..


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

kaboom9328 said:


> You are all making some very valid points and I do appreciate the advice
> 
> Although I do not think I could serve her divorce papers on Christmas day as my gift to her,,,,I did like the thought of it though. My kids deserve to have us civil on that day. I don't want them to have that as a memory of Xmas 2013
> 
> ...


Kaboom

You miss my point. Doing it on Xmas is symbolic. And I said not to do it in front of the kids. And you take control and keep it nice. By saying goodbye. 

The key is to shock your wife. 

The kids will enjoy Xmas with or without their mother. You can ensure that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

There is so much damage here over many years-like 15!
Time to move on. She is not interested in putting back together. Also she's living with another man!! Forget it...its over


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Kaboom,

HappyMan's advice is gold worth. Note that your chose name emphasizes your explosive determination. When you give this gift (divorce papers) to your wife tell that you are letting her go because you love her. But you must end the friendship between you because you cannot be friends with her while she belongs to another man. Maybe 5 or 6 years down the the line.

Make sure that when you ask her forgiveness you really mean it. If you really forgive her and she wants to hold your affair against you, so be it. Let her be the one who bears a grudge. 

Keep you speech short and pithy. Make realize you are Mr Kaboom, not Mr On-hold.



> He is now employed part time however she supports him financially (I am paying her monthly according to the seperation agreement we drafted) *He had a wife and two boys that he left a couple mos ago to be with my wife*.


Often on TAM folks call affair partner's POSOM/W and this may be more of less true. Personally I am sure there a nice people who have affairs. After all affairs are not uncommon. How large a percentate of humanity is just a massive mound of turd?

However, in your case, it seems likely that POSOM is not that great a catch. He left his children and hardly can support himself. Your wife may tire of him sooner rather than later. When the reality of divorce starts to burn, she will look to him for emotional support. Will he be able to deliver? His POS tendencies will likely be accentuated by the pressure.

Put him on Cheaterville. Take some screen shots of him from YouTube, the ones in which his eyes are half closed and he looks like stoner. Make your CV post very factual. It is possible that your WW will put you on CV. That will help clarify the situation.

PM me YouTube links to his band and I will tell you how bad their music is.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

If I had to guess, as a woman, what's going on in her head I'd say that she never got over your affair. There seems to be widespread acceptance for men that can't get past their wives' affairs but not so much for women. Your affair was made so much worse by your timing; you abondoned her while she was vulnerable with a baby, which destroys her perception of you as her protector. You may have done everything you could to make amends, but some people just can't move on. Be careful of claims of rewriting; she has plenty of reason to be po'd at you, and just because she doesn't view the marriage like you doesn't mean she's rewriting. I say these things not to beat you up more but to offer a possible insight into how she got to this point. She may have even felt obligated to take you back because she had young kids.
Now clearly the right thing to do was divorce you, not run around with another man. Though I'll point out that if she'd decided after a number of years to move on she'd be labeled a waw that must be having an affair, but I digress. She probably feels entitled to this because of what happened. Her throwing it in your face tells you she's not over it. At this point it's best to just let her go; maybe she'll get om out of her system and really want to R. If that happens and you're still interested then great; if not oh well. Just don't go out of your way to be an a$$ because you share a lot of responsibility for this. Too bad more people don't realize in time how not worth it their piece of trash is going to be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

PreRaphaelite said:


> :iagree:
> 
> An ultimatum is pointless. Serve her and give her the freedom she wants, with a nice Let Her Go note.
> 
> Happyman said it nicely.


What next "I'm gonna take my ball and go home "

Listen to HM64


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## kaboom9328 (Dec 17, 2013)

Thanks to all who took the time to respond. I have been lurking here for some time and know that many of you are in much worse a situation than I currently am

Happy. I do appreciate your insight and I realize the symbolism, my wayward however is extremely emotional and will tee off, make a scene and most of all upset my kids which she has done numerous times in the recent past for such stupid things as accepting a friend request from an unmarried old friend. I just can't do that to my kids on the holiday. After that date, all bets really off

Long--. I have asked for forgiveness many,many times and did everything within my power to prove my love. I never went out with the boys, and was home promptly....no exceptions. She had full access to everything. I am very cognizant of the damage I caused years ago and she hasn't gotten past that, that is forever my cross to bear. He does not seem that great a catch to me either but I am biased I think. Definitely a down grade in looks and security but that doesn't bear much weight and I know that. He has other issues, but I won't get into them

LTS. Thank you for giving a woman's perspective, it is helpful. Not sure I completely agree with your stmt regarding men v woman dealing with affairs. She has had 3 since we started dating, one b4 we were married and the 2 I have mentioned. I forgave her, moved on, and perhaps trusted too much. And she definitely is re-writing. Just the other day she tried to convince me that prior to her leaving I told her that she had to leave if she had any remaining feelings for him. In reality I told her she had to leave if she could not stop contacting him. ( I'm not an idiot, I never insisted she shut her feeling off immediately, that'd be naive). I merely asked her to stop seeing him or contacting him and she said she could not... She now doesn't remember it that way

Tk you all for the advice, I have already begun to withdraw myself from this situation and she has noticed. Not sure where I will end up but not the torn, guilt ridden mess I have been

It does really help posting for this and getting some feedback


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Kaboom

You know her best. And in the end the decision is yours.

But I do think the quicker you pull the trigger, 180 and show her by your actions that you are moving on; the better your chances your wife will have the AHA! moment that sometimes happen.

These symbolic actions are meant to knock her emotions enough that the "affair fog" starts to clear a little.

They key is not to discuss reconciliation or even your marriage until she is done with him.

And remember, they always affair down. She thinks she is going to rebuild him, make him better to be you.

Guess what, any man who walks away from his wife and 2 kids will do the same to her in the future.

It is almost assured.

Be tough. Be daring. Be strong in front of your children.

Seize the day!

HM


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## kaboom9328 (Dec 17, 2013)

Tks again Happy

Yes I do know she will create a crapstorm of epic proportions if I gave her her freedom on xmas day. 

Since finally mastering up the courage to finally post my story on here. I have begun to withdraw myself from this marriage (albeit only limited until after the holidays). And I have already seen a difference in her demeanor towards me. I have not contacted her first on any day and keep any texts brief and redirected toward the kids. She has noticed and says I'm different, I merely reply that yes, things need to change


Happy, I do not however agree that I will cheat on her in the future...... There are exceptions to each assumption,rule, or statistic. Some of us have truly learned from our mistakes. I never let myself get in a situation that someone would think there was a possibility of me being interested. I have truly "guarded my heart" as they say

So far she has been afraid to introduce her new interest to friends, family or even our children. She has however been introduced to his kids.... 

I know the 180 is needed, I have started and will fully implement after the holidays. It is difficult tho as our kids are very involved in sports and I attend all events whether they are with me or her


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Kaboom



> Happy, I do not however agree that I will cheat on her in the future......


I was talking about the OM. When two cheaters enter a relationship having abandoned their own marriages those relationships seldom work out in the long run.

You have a plan.

Implement it. Show her what her future will be like without you in it.

And expose her affair to everyone if you have not done so already.

Good Luck. Enjoy the holidays.

And remember, as long as she is with "welfare boy" you only discuss the kids and the divorce.

You learned your lesson. It is time to teach her a lesson.

HM


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Kaboom, I come from a 19 year relationship ( 14 married ).. 2 boys 12 and 8 

My story is in my signature labeled mymistake.

I see you pushed this my wife needs to be the center of attention several times and I can see that she asking if you show interest she will consider.. 

Here is something I have learned over the year since this started. 

I can only love my wife. It is NOT my job to prove to her why she should love me, why I am a good catch.. 

That is HER JOB.. She should see the good man I am.. She should see that I have been loyal to her regardless of her several attempted or successful affairs over the years.. 

I cannot tap dance for my wife and juggle chainsaws for her amusement.. 

She just has to see that I am the better man.. 

There is nothing in this world you can do to make her realize that.. 

Give her the papers and don't worry about what scene she makes in front of the kids.. That is her problem and issue. IF she wants to be a drama queen, then that is her problem and business.. 

You know she will be the drama queen regardless when you give it to her. 

Look me and the Ex are getting divorced, I will never take her back.. It took me 19 years to realize how selfish and heartless my Ex could be..

Good luck


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Kaboom,

Sometimes when kids strip the bark off a living tree, you say "uh oh, that tree may die." But some how they don't always. Your relationship, like the roots of an old tree, may continue to seek water and nourishment from poor soil. Your wife and you have a long an difficult history. It is not over yet.

HappyMan is right. You need to more or less go entirely dark on her except for the children. But by dark I mean to exclude her from being the source of your dependence, weakness and sadness. Show her only restraint, stoicism, humor. Do not engage her at all. Let her be the one who needs contact for this or that.

Do not involve her in decisions that are unimportant. Let her feel that the tree will die and she will have neither its shade nor fruit. She will either decide she cares about it or keep going with her new life.

Put him up on Cheaterville for Christmas. Make the post short and factual, without any bitter words.



> Vancouver Hank (or whatever his name is) is a 36-year-old semi professional musician who is in a adulterous relationship with a woman who has left behind a husband and two children. To be with her he left his long term partner and two children.


This act may appear vindictive but you merely state the facts. Let the two of them and their network of support read it and re-read it. Let them draw the obvious conclusion: there are reasons to doubt the longevity of a relationship based on escape. If they are twin flames destined to burn eternally, so be it.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Hello Kaboom - I have read your entire thread and sorry to see you here. Here is my perspective on this:


You had an affair right at the start and that was very wrong of you. What was worse is that it was not properly dealt with (hindsight - I know). In any case she chose to forgive you and stay with you. That is what you both decided not just you.
She then goes and has an affair - very very wrong of her especially since she knew the hurt it can cause. Revenge or not, this was completely on her and made her just as bad as you. Again it was not handled properly by either of you (hindsight again) and in your case it was because you felt guilty about your previous affair. She pretty much knew this which made what she did even worse.
She then got a taste for it and has now done it again - which goes beyond nastiness into immaturity. She seems very self-centred and immature - definitely not wife or mother material.
She chose to leave the house and kind of abandon her kids (why did she not choose to have them with her most of the time - normal mother behaviour, especially since Canadian laws would have helped her not you)
Now she is with someone that feeds her vanity and lust but with whom she does not see any stability. Of course he will introduce her to his kids - he is a douche bag who cannot support himself leave alone his kids. He might even be hoping to get financial support from her for his kids. And of course she is not in a rush to introduce hers to him - why would she do that when she has partially abandoned them with a ready made sitter - YOU!
She gives you sex to keep you in tow and make sure that her source of funding is not cut off. I cannot believe that you have to give her child support for her to go and live it up.

You should cut things off immediately and start taking steps to protect yourself financially as well as with regard to custody of your children - the minute she sees you start doing this she will get aggressive legally. She has left the marriage and is cake-eating, history rewriting big time. You cannot carry on like this. File for D, separate assets and finances, agree custody arrangements, lawyer up and get this done asap. It will destroy you in the end if you do not. And stop sleeping with her! No good can come of this when she has a boyfriend - especially a douche bag like he is. Get tested for STDs. Work on your health and physical and mental well being. Read the literature recommended here - it is very informative and helpful. Listen to what the folk on this board are advising you to do - they are very experienced if sometimes a bit heavy handed. Cut her loose now! And good luck.


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## sdyjdstyqing (Dec 20, 2013)

I married my highschoold sweetheart...


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## kaboom9328 (Dec 17, 2013)

Tks again to all who have taken the time to respond. I do really appreciate the encouragement and advice

As many have indicated i have started to withdraw from this sham and she has noticed. She bought me a bunch of clothes yesterday.... And told me I deserved them.... Itold her to take them back as I can look after myself!!!! She is now the one to initiate contact each day and I repeatedly redirect it toward the kids and or finances sends some crap that if we can survive this we will be amazing...ugh

Happy-. Thank you for taking the time to reply numerous times, I truly appreciate your wisdom and thoughts. I was not in a good place months ago, I made her leave in July, but am getting stronger. Your advice is appreciated. The more time I spend thinking bout things the more I realize that perhaps I don't want her to come back at all. I am tired, very tired, of always carrying the torch and ensuring she is feeling good etc... Time to focus on me and my needs. I do still struggle with losing my home for the kids. This is their rock, their safe place if you will,. She has spent our savings so buying her out of the equity will be hard. I have exposed her A to many already. I have spoken to the other BS and gave her details......She was much angrier than me, but has started dating for already.... She seems okay, but tbh he traded up looks wise anyway

Hardth- wow 2 law enforcement guys on the same thread, who da thunk it... I am beginning to realize I can't change her, even influence her any longer, I can only change myself and decide what's best for me and my kids... Sorry to hear u r headed for d, we'll not if it's best for you I'm not

Man from ml-- thanks to u too for taking the time. I am taking steps to ensure my future. I know I will pay support so I set that up myself to hopefully show the court eventually that I am reasonable. Although she did drain our savings buying crap for his apartment ( this was confirmed by other BS ) 

I have outed her too everyone already. Our co-friends know as well as her family

I have taken the rose colored, hopefully glasses off and took a healthy shot of reality. I will not fall into the old traps anymore. 

Although I would still consider an R it would now be on my terms and not hers

Filing in Canada is an little different. There has to be a year of separation first to get a D.... I'm not gonna push a formal D yet as it means me and the kids get to stay in the house

Is this the right move. I'm no longer worried bout her feelings, I will do what's best for my kids


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Now your're talking.

How much time does the POSOM spend with this kids? His commitment as parent is a good indicator of what he offers your wife. If is a shxtty father, he will be the same to her probably.

Your wife may have noticed this.


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## kaboom9328 (Dec 17, 2013)

Hey longwalk. I have no idea tbh... I do know his kids are younger than ours and one of them has extreme anger issues. Beyond that I have no idea knowing my ww wife as I do, let's just say she doesn't have the most patience for that type of thing. She is very quick tempered, atleast with our kids. I was always the one toning down her reactions to minor stuff with them.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you moved all the money to accounts she can't touch? If she asks about it, tell her it's being held until the divorce. That you need to be sure she won't blow it on babycakes.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

kaboom

Turnera is right about the finances. If your wife cleaned out the savings for her apartment then you should document that.

I would think Canada is 50/50 on the split of assets.

See an attorney so you know your rights.

I think you notice how your wife tries to pull you back in. She feels guilt. 

Stay dark. Redirect her focus on the kids. I understand wanting to stay in the house but is that financially feasible if your wife pays for an apartment.

No matter what Kaboom take control of your life back from her.

And guess what the OM did not trade up even in the looks dept. my friend. Because nothing ever counts as a positive when two married people hookup and cheat on their spouses.

You learned that a long time ago. You should question your wifes qualities because she did not learn from that experience a long time ago like she thought she did.

*I have less respect for battered spouses that become wayward spouses because they have wreaked twice the amount of damage on a family than it ever deserves.*

Focus on you. Because you can do way better than her. And she is beginning to realize you know it and are at the cusp of moving forward in your life without her.

And make the holidays great. It is within your power to do so.

HM


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## kaboom9328 (Dec 17, 2013)

Tks happy (and everyone who has replied)

Yes the finances are now secured (not that there's much left). But I have got my pay deposited into accounts she can't touch as she has in the past spent that money before I could even buy groceries. I now transfer the support into her account to do as she wishes

As far as the house, my current mortgage wouldn't be much higher than a 3 bedroom rental... I can definitely manage if I'm not forced to pay alot more

Had a rough weekend actually, we agreed months ago to buy joint presents for the kids this xmas. So we go shopping together and 1. She couldn't stop from textng and 2. She got angry she doesn't have any more disposable income like that is my fault??? She chose to leave and she now takes home more than I do after my support payments

Still struggling right now, but for conflicting reasons
- I do still miss her and at times she is affectionate and reminds me of the old her..she speaks of our future and tells me she is still very conflicted I am still very physical,ly attracted to her
- I know she spends all her "non mom" time with posom. Just this weekend she asked why I seem different and seem to be pulling away. I told her cause I know where she is and how does she expect me to feel. She replied with some crap that she is figuring things out and feels closer to me. Ya right. I promised myself for the kids sake I would be nice until after Christmas. Come boxing day tho I'm doing the 180bigtime. 

I'm tired of breadcrumbs, being blamed for everything including her seeking attention from posow. Etc. Etc. I need to move on and leave her to make her own screwups


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## kaboom9328 (Dec 17, 2013)

Here my dilema. Do I let her "figure" things out with douche. Or move on without her? My kids are struggling and so am I?


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

kaboom9328 said:


> Here my dilema. Do I let her "figure" things out with douche. Or move on without her? My kids are struggling and so am I?


Your children would want you to respect yourself

However you gain that do it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If she is still seeing someone else then get it in your head that its time to move on with out her.

It could take years before she "figures" it out!

Keep in mind ifshe does "figure" things out in a few days or even weeks...the dilema is will it happen again with some other douche?


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Take those raunchy fb messages and send them to her family, your family, OMs family, all friends of the aforementioned, all neighbors of the aforementioned, all employers of the aforementioned, all direct supervisiors of the aforementioned, all churches and pastors of the aforementioned, all health clubs and hobby groups of the aforementioned, all former high school and college classmates of the aforementioned, and anyone else you can think of. Explain you do not want your children to suffer from a broken home. That is your best chance to destroy her affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

While she figures things out? What is there to figure out? She's cheating. She's having sex with a man that is not her husband. I think she's got this figured out just fine. It's you that needs to figure things out. If you want to have any possibility of reconciliation then blow this affair straight to hell. Expose it far and wide. Fight!

If you aren't going to try reconciling then just detach from her and file for divorce. Push her out of your life. Start building a life without her.

Make a choice.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Put POSOM up on CV. It will make you seem like a hard azz in the short run but it will stress her relationship with him a great deal. That guy is telling constantly how wonderful she is. He has upended his children's life for her. She is flattered. You are still there as plan B.

Remove plan B asap.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Kaboom,


Your missing another point of Canadian Law in divorces.

If you are splitting 50/50 the upbringing of your kids, you don't have to pay child support at all. Well...mist times.

Have you looked into this?

The guidelines on the gov. Site are just that....guidelines. But I knw many of divorced couples that split 50/50 child parenting and don't pay any child support at all based on those same rules.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

wilderness said:


> Take those raunchy fb messages and send them to her family, your family, OMs family, all friends of the aforementioned, all neighbors of the aforementioned, all employers of the aforementioned, all direct supervisiors of the aforementioned, all churches and pastors of the aforementioned, all health clubs and hobby groups of the aforementioned, all former high school and college classmates of the aforementioned, and anyone else you can think of. Explain you do not want your children to suffer from a broken home. That is your best chance to destroy her affair.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




:iagree:

that is what you should do on boxer day, and the minute after 180 full!!! No change of mind! No going back!


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I know you and your family are in a tough spot. I do believe your best net is a hard 180. I would also post a factual listing on cheaterville for posom. 

I do wish you and your children the best holiday season possible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

kaboom9328 said:


> Tks happy (and everyone who has replied)
> 
> Yes the finances are now secured (not that there's much left). But I have got my pay deposited into accounts she can't touch as she has in the past spent that money before I could even buy groceries. I now transfer the support into her account to do as she wishes
> 
> ...


You talk too much. Are you one of those paralysis by analysis guys?

We all get it, really we do. Most of us were in your position. With kids. Not all of our cheaters were as unredeemable as yours. But then again, not all of us were as willing to be disrespected as you. That's the only difference. It's not because your love for her is so much greater than our love was for ours.

Here is what you say:

"Leave him this minute and never talk to him again or I am done with you."

Then, when she refuses:

"Goodbye. I am done with you. I will talk to you only about the kids and the divorce."


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> You talk too much. Are you one of those paralysis by analysis guys?
> 
> We all get it, really we do. Most of us were in your position. With kids. Not all of our cheaters were as unredeemable as yours. But then again, not all of us were as willing to be disrespected as you. That's the only difference. It's not because your love for her is so much greater than our love was for ours.
> 
> ...


Agreed. The kids are struggling because they have no direction. They're certainly not going to get it from her so kaboom needs to take charge of this situation and provide some stability.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> You talk too much. Are you one of those paralysis by analysis guys?
> 
> We all get it, really we do. Most of us were in your position. With kids. Not all of our cheaters were as unredeemable as yours. But then again, not all of us were as willing to be disrespected as you. That's the only difference. It's not because your love for her is so much greater than our love was for ours.
> 
> ...


Also, don't give her another penny until she gets a court order. And cut off all of her sources of money so she doesn't have the bread to get a lawyer.
Love must be TOUGH.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

The tougher you are with your wife the quicker she'll change her behavior. Expose and 180 her hard. She may or may not return. But you need to respect yourself.

Your kids will feel that you are anchored. That will be one important thing to help you cope.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

kaboom9328 said:


> Here my dilema. Do I let her "figure" things out with douche. Or move on without her? My kids are struggling and so am I?



Actually a very depressing thread to read. Its very sad to see someone using other spouse for money and as security blanket but the saddest is to see the BS accepting this behavior without a trace of self respect or self worth.

She is a serial cheater, she is now having her fun and keeping her back up plan on hook by throwing some pity sex and sugar coated words. 

She is having sex fest with her OM and coming home to offer you some pity sex, she is still the person who dictate the terms and you still acepting it like a champ. She lost respect for you but how can she respect a person who dont respect himself? How can she respect a person who is still ready to sleep with her knowing she came right from OMs bed? How can she respect a man who dont have any problem in having sloppy seconds?

You still are asking us whether to give her time to sort out her feelings with OM.....REALLY?

Wake up man, wake up from the **** you are living in. Its time for you to stand for your self respect, rights, and dignity as a human being. Its time for you to end living the life of a cuckold and doormat. 

Let this x mas time give you the courage and a boost to your self respect so that you can live a life you deserve; the life of a man.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

> I need to move on and leave her to make her own screwups


Yes you do.

Go to see an attorney. File for D. I know it takes like a year there.

Figure out the $$$ with your attorney and if she took money she was not entitled to deduct it from your monthly child support.

Have your solicitor figure it out.

Knock her off the fence.

Only divorce can do that plus a 180 by you.

Only the kids and the divorce matter now.

Leave your ww with the welfare case like she deserves.

Only then can you heal without the drama.

HM


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> The tougher you are with your wife the quicker she'll change her behavior. Expose and 180 her hard. She may or may not return. *But you need to respect yourself*.
> 
> Your kids will feel that you are anchored. That will be one important thing to help you cope.


THIS However you find it do it on your own terms


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## goodmans (Jan 2, 2013)

I totally agree, you need to implement the 180 ..
BUT -A big BUT. Only after you sit down and ask yourself...
What has hindsight(the horse has bolted)shown me? Where did WE go wrong. Write these factors down. 
Then, as plainly as possible email/or spoken..propose to her with confidence , a game plan -hypothetically speaking..
eg ; "If we were to be seriously thinking of getting back together...Then firstly I propose we seek counsel etc..
Always use WE..Be totally non judgemental/critical.(respect each others Vulnerabilities/feelings.
Be practical/positive be specific ..avoid the clichéd empty weak beggarly self blaming .."*I can/have changed* "
Once you have handed her the "KEY" /Plan./Proposal to R
Then, yes absolutely..*180* Cold Turkey.
There is a time limit to this offer.She has to realize.. The door will be gradually closing..Everybody is different 
in constitution. For your own health`s sake you will decide (Prov:Expectation postponed makes the heart sick)

_ So many well meaning people on this forum overlook this Important "way back proposal".._

Caring and Sharing,

Goodmans


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## kaboom9328 (Dec 17, 2013)

Well, I have done it

Told her goodbye, enjoy her new life with her boyfriend and that I no longer wished to talk to her unless it was about the kids or divorce proceedings

I got the typical, I'm confused,why did u do this right after the holiday, yer an a$$ole comments. I kept it businesslike tho and told her to enjoy her life with her new chosen one and that I deserve Sooooo much better than her

First she was angry (which is typical of her and will be consistent for awhile) then questioning why....then apologetic. But never offered to end her affair or do what's required

I wii continue to pay support to her. That's a tactical decision on my part. I've seen way too many judges crucify husbands for not supporting WW spouses. 

And for those that asked!!! I have absolutely exposed her affair to everyone months ago,,, except to my kids. I still struggle with telling them!!

I do feel better now. I'm sure I'll have setbacks and doubts....but feeling good for now!!


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Well done on all counts, including the support. See a lawyer to find out what your financial obligation is.

Keep the kids out of it to the extent possible. They are old enough to know what is going on and will figure it out for themselves. If they ask you a question, don't lie, but don't tell them more than they need to know. Let them know that you love them and always will be there for them. Do not badmouth their mother, let them draw their own conclusions. If you find out that she lied to them about you or your situation, tell them that she lied and let them know what the truth is.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

kaboom9328 said:


> Well, I have done it
> 
> Told her goodbye, enjoy her new life with her boyfriend and that I no longer wished to talk to her unless it was about the kids or divorce proceedings
> 
> ...



great news.... and dont back down!
I bet that within a couple of weeks she will try to R.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

I do not think so Jack. Maybe in months but his WW has a lot of work to do.

She has two lives. Her own single life, separate apartment, new boyfriend.

The other life has kaboom and the kids.

She is a classic cake eater very much active with the infidelity and able to support her single lifestyle.

Kaboom needs to stay focused on himself, the divorce and his kids.

He is not her Plan B. She is just starting to realize that .

Kaboom is getting his self respect back and his WW just had her first taste of her plans not working out in her selfish mind.

More power to you Kaboom.

HM


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

kaboom9328 said:


> I wii continue to pay support to her. That's a tactical decision on my part. I've seen way too many judges crucify husbands for not supporting WW spouses.


I have to call BS on this one. You and your wife are still married. You don't owe her one penny. I've never heard of a judge 'crucifying' someone in this situation and I've been studying divorce for over 3 years.

caveat: once there is a legal separation agreement, that changes
caveat #2: once someone files for divorce, that could change


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You have a lawyer already, right? Do whatever he tells you to do.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

And make sure your solicitor knows she cleaned out your savings account.

Does proving infidelity in the UK allow you to divorce sooner?


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> Well done on all counts, including the support. See a lawyer to find out what your financial obligation is.
> 
> Keep the kids out of it to the extent possible. They are old enough to know what is going on and will figure it out for themselves. If they ask you a question, don't lie, but don't tell them more than they need to know. Let them know that you love them and always will be there for them. Do not badmouth their mother, let them draw their own conclusions. If you find out that she lied to them about you or your situation, tell them that she lied and let them know what the truth is.


I think it depends on the age of your children. Assuming they are 10 and older, I'd give them the abbreviated version. Why? So that they are not fed a very one-sided view of the situation with you as the bad guy. Remember, the first version heard usually is the one most often believed.

Most kids in the US/Canada these days know of single-parent families. Sad but true. Even the details won't come as a surprise to them. They don't need the detailed details of course, but the fact that she is living with another man should not be kept from them. Don't become the bad guy.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

There is probably an online formula for child and spousal support. Do the calculations and give her money accordingly.

If you cut off all chit chat and B plan affirmation, that relationship will totter.

Consider a Cheaterville post. It will be like throwing frozen fish into his dog sled when his huskies are starving. He pressure your wife to contact you to take it down. You'll ignore her and he'll be p!issed that she has lost control of you while she feels sick because she has to defend him.

Put the CV link up on any YouTube clips there are of his band.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> And make sure your solicitor knows she cleaned out your savings account.
> 
> Does proving infidelity in the UK allow you to divorce sooner?


Whatever she cleaned out from your account

Apply it to your support payments

She's ahead of the game

Good work standing up for yourself

months down the road......... *She'll be back*

55


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yep. Any money in the bank before you started divorce belongs to BOTH of you. She'll have to pay it back or at least get less in the settlement.


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