# Letting Your Child Sleep In Your Bed ...



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Interesting topic that I am sure everyone with kids can relate to. There was a debate going on when I was listening to the radio this morning about whether or not kids should be allowed to sleep in the bed with their parents (we are assuming young kids here and not 18yr olds :surprise. Some of the callers argued the kids should be sleeping in their own beds early on and not develop a dependency. Others said they loved having their kids in bed, how precious those moments were, enjoy them while they last. When the topic of sex came up, some of the callers who let their young kids sleep in their bed stated that as long as the bed was big enough they would just keep the kid to one side of the bed while they did their act.

So, for the members of TAM, what are your thoughts? Is there up to an age where it is acceptable to have kids sleeping in bed with the parents? If it goes on too long is it the sign of a possible problem (maybe using the child as a way to avoid spending alone time with each other)?

For myself, our first kid probably slept in the bed with us until maybe 8-9 months old. It was just easier for my wife to get him to bed this way and be ready for his feedings, and really we were first time parents trying to figure it all out. Eventually though, we decided enough was enough. It was impacting both our sleep (him tossing and turning, digging feet into our backs, etc...) and especially for me, I was so paranoid that I would roll over and crush him that I had a hard time getting settled in. It was also impacting the time that we were spending together as a couple. Our other 2 kids really never had a desire to sleep in the bed with us, so it was much easier. Funny enough as well, even now my oldest (7yrs old) will periodically try to convince us to sleep in our bed (or he will come into our room in the middle of the night which I then escort him back to his room). For my wife and I, bedtime is pretty much the only alone time we get, so it has been important for us to make the most of that (not just sex, but curling up watching a show/movie, talking, etc...)


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

There are various theories and approaches on this. There does seem to be some current thinking that sleeping in bed with very new infants - unable to turn over on their own and so on - can be a health risk as one news story recently about a baby who died sleeping in bed with the mother. This is akin to the advice for newborns not having blankets or those soft crib bumpers in their sleeping place to avoid accidental suffocation. As the child gets older there are those who swear by the family sleeping together and those as vociferous on the other side. In times past, and still today, often dictated by economic necessity families share sleeping quarters and beds. People do what they must or what they believe. Whether that has lasting impact on the child is open to professional debate.

In our case, our 15 month old sleeps in his own room and bed but if he wakes up in the wee hours of the morning and is having trouble getting back to sleep, we bring him into our bed and he usually drifts right off. For me, sex doesn't happen unless he is in his own room. I have no idea if we are the norm or the exception.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Maneo said:


> In our case, our 15 month old sleeps in his own room and bed but if he wakes up in the wee hours of the morning and is having trouble getting back to sleep, we bring him into our bed and he usually drifts right off. For me, sex doesn't happen unless he is in his own room. I have no idea if we are the norm or the exception.


This has been the norm for me as well.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Well perhaps I'm an onery cuss but our kids moved out of our bed as soon as they were born. I seem to recall getting kicked by them plenty during the prior 9 months, so it was bassenette for a few months then off to their own room.
MN


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

It's not safe for infants to sleep in bed with parents. People roll over and kids get suffocated. Even when people don't roll over, a grown man can make enough of a depression in the mattress to cause an infant to accidentally roll toward the sleeping adult and suffocate.

As far as older children--I'm not a fan of co-sleeping, but I equated that as one of several factors in my sexless marriage. If a couple can maintain a reasonable intimate life and be safe about not squishing kids---go for it.


Also--having sex next to the kid.......yuck.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Our children slept in a bassinet in our room for about 6 months. After that it was the crib in their own room. Every now and then on a bad night for any one of our kids they could sleep in our bed. Bad dream or something. Next day back to their room.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> Also--having sex next to the kid.......yuck.


Lol, don't think I could ever do that, but I guess desperate times may call for desperate measures!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

My daughter is six and from time to time she still wants to sleep on my bed whenever she feels lonely in her room. She sleeps with mum too.

When married she definitely was a little c--kblocker though with ex-wife and I, but tis normal no?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

My kids never slept with me, they came home from the hospital to their own crib. I'd get up, feed them, and put them back to sleep. I never slept with my parents either. 

My younger one had his crib in my room for a bit so as not to wake the older one, who was a toddler at the time.

On rare occasion when they were sick they'd sleep with me, and during those times I didn't sleep at all because they'd jostle around in their sleep and I'd worry about them. 

Beyond that they never asked, always slept in their own beds. Sometimes on the weekends I'd tell them come see me if they got up first and we'd cuddle for a while in the morning. That was a great time. 

And sometimes in the evening I'd put in a movie and let them lay in my bed and watch, along with popcorn and juice in non spill cups. They loved that. 

Now at 12 and 14 they're happy to have their own rooms.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

EllisRedding said:


> Interesting topic that I am sure everyone with kids can relate to. There was a debate going on when I was listening to the radio this morning about whether or not kids should be allowed to sleep in the bed with their parents (we are assuming young kids here and not 18yr olds :surprise. Some of the callers argued the kids should be sleeping in their own beds early on and not develop a dependency. Others said they loved having their kids in bed, how precious those moments were, enjoy them while they last. When the topic of sex came up, some of the callers who let their young kids sleep in their bed stated that as long as the bed was big enough they would just keep the kid to one side of the bed while they did their act.
> 
> So, for the members of TAM, what are your thoughts? Is there up to an age where it is acceptable to have kids sleeping in bed with the parents? If it goes on too long is it the sign of a possible problem (maybe using the child as a way to avoid spending alone time with each other)?
> 
> For myself, our first kid probably slept in the bed with us until maybe 8-9 months old. It was just easier for my wife to get him to bed this way and be ready for his feedings, and really we were first time parents trying to figure it all out. Eventually though, we decided enough was enough. It was impacting both our sleep (him tossing and turning, digging feet into our backs, etc...) and especially for me, I was so paranoid that I would roll over and crush him that I had a hard time getting settled in. It was also impacting the time that we were spending together as a couple. Our other 2 kids really never had a desire to sleep in the bed with us, so it was much easier. Funny enough as well, even now my oldest (7yrs old) will periodically try to convince us to sleep in our bed (or he will come into our room in the middle of the night which I then escort him back to his room). For my wife and I, bedtime is pretty much the only alone time we get, so it has been important for us to make the most of that (not just sex, but curling up watching a show/movie, talking, etc...)


This is more about motivation than anything else Ellis. We each have our own rules on this and there's more than one right way but it's easy to spot the obvious wrong ways. There are absolutely a lot of parents letting their kids sleep with them all they way up to pre-teen years for their own comfort and not for their kid's well being. My particular way was to get my kids to sleep in their own crib or room even if I had to stay in their until they went to sleep. But I don't think that's the only right way to do things.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Thundarr said:


> This is more about motivation than anything else Ellis. We each have our own rules on this and there's more than one right way but it's easy to spot the obvious wrong ways. There are absolutely a lot of parents letting their kids sleep with them all they way up to pre-teen years for their own comfort and not for their kid's well being. *My particular way was to get my kids to sleep in their own crib or room even if I had to stay in their until they went to sleep.* But I don't think that's the only right way to do things. But I have certainly seen people turn their kids into surrogate partners with this topic being only one of the symptoms.


That is the way we did it as well. Sometimes it sucked staring at the ceiling in the dark waiting for them to go to bed. Sometimes I would conk out as well, wake up hours later unable to get myself out of the fetal position from cramming myself into a toddler bed.

It was interesting listening to the radio show how many callers were advocating the child(ren) sleeping in the room with them, with no set boundary or rules how long it would last.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

EllisRedding said:


> That is the way we did it as well. Sometimes it sucked staring at the ceiling in the dark waiting for them to go to bed. Sometimes I would conk out as well, wake up hours later unable to get myself out of the fetal position from cramming myself into a toddler bed.
> 
> It was interesting listening to the radio show how many callers were advocating the child(ren) sleeping in the room with them, with no set boundary or rules how long it would last.


Yep same here. Regarding the radio callers, people get carried away when defending their right to be able to do something and throw common sense out of the window. I bet the majority of those callers saying there are not boundaries have their own boundaries that make sense. They're just spewing politically correct garbage to avoid backing up what they actually think. It reminds me of the topic about how old is too old to breast feed? People are so worried about offending someone that they say their isn't an appropriate age and it's up to the mother. Really? Does that sound anything like common sense? No it's comes down to us not liking other people telling us what to do.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Our children nursed and slept in our bed until they did not want to anymore.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

I remember being a first time mom and being so worried. I wanted to do everything right 😏. I read 8 books on child rearing while pregnant. Lol. Most of what I read stressed the absolute importance of keeping the child in their own bed. 

I remember telling my mom that he was a good baby and only occasionally fussed to the point that I thought of bringing him to our bed. I told her that I was worried because "the books" say don't do that if you want an independent child. 

My mom laughed and said I'm no help giving you advice on this in my country I was raised in a war, 7 of us slept in one bed! I think we lived and are all independent. I didn't worry about it after that and just used my judgement. 

I wasted my time reading all those books, turns out I parent just like my parents. I wanted to raise an independent kid but sheesh be careful what you wish for


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

jld said:


> Our children nursed and slept in our bed until they did not want to anymore.


You missed the point jld. I assume if you kids are grown or when they are grown that them swinging by on lunch break to nurse isn't an option. Sleeping the same bed is a little different but still, I'm guessing if you have sons old enough to wake up with morning wood then that would be a little awkward as well.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

coffee4me said:


> My mom laughed and said I'm no help giving you advice on this in my country I was raised in a war, 7 of us slept in one bed! I think we lived and are all independent. I didn't worry about it after that and just used my judgement.


You had to put things in perspective didn't you :frown2:. Your mom is right and we are lucky to have to trivial things to worry about.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> You missed the point jld. I assume if you kids are grown or when they are grown that them swinging by on lunch break to nurse isn't an option. Sleeping the same bed is a little different but still, I'm guessing if you have sons old enough to wake up with morning wood then that would be a little awkward as well.


The point of what? I was just sharing our experience.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

jld said:


> The point of what? I was just sharing our experience.


Some point I projected I think. That changed somewhat after Coffee's post though. So how old were your kids? If they never stopped wanting those things, was there an age you would have decided to push for things to change?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> Some point I projected I think. That changed somewhat after Coffee's post though. So how old were your kids? If they never stopped wanting those things, was there an age you would have decided to push for things to change?


About 3 for nursing and around 10 for sleeping with us. When they are done wanting it, they are done.


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## anonfrank (Apr 18, 2013)

Our son did not sleep with us in infancy, he slept in his own room. 

When he was old enough to climb out of the crib and walk down the hall to our bedroom (about 2), he started sleeping with us....after being placed to bed in his own room. We let him sleep with us until about age 5, when we started sending him back to his own bed when he appeared in our room. He finally stopped sleeping with us about age 7. He is now 9. However, it is common for me to take a nap in his room after I've read him. He loves both the bedtime story with his dad and my staying for a nap. Somehow, I don't mind the extra time with Little Dude, either.

Sleeping with an infant can lead to crush injuries, so it's not a good idea.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> *My kids never slept with me, they came home from the hospital to their own crib. I'd get up, feed them, and put them back to sleep. I never slept with my parents either.
> *
> My younger one had his crib in my room for a bit so as not to wake the older one, who was a toddler at the time.
> 
> ...


yep same experience. We took our daughters to their own rooms immediately from the hospital and they have been there since. Not sure if it's the cause/effect of this but my kids have zero problems falling asleep anywhere and are both very independant which is what I hoped for. Some of my friends parents who let the kids sleep in their rooms have a hell of a time getting them back out lol


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

All 5 of mine were co sleeping.

All 5 grew out of it by 6/7 years old

Co sleeping saved my youngest life when the heart monitor failed to pick up dangerous bradycardia, didn't even sound an alarm like it was suppose to.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

My kids did not sleep with us as babies. They slept in cribs in their rooms. Well, my daughter slept in a swinging swing for the first 2 months, then in her room. She was a terrible sleeper until about age 5 and would never stay in her bed. I eventually got sick of putting her back in her bed and just let her sleep with us if she came into the room. She was a very wild sleeper so there were some injuries! We divorced (for the first time) when the kids were 8 and 9 and when I had them, they always wanted to sleep with me, so they took turns. I have a king sized bed. My daughter stopped wanting to do that at 13, mainly because I snore . My son is 12 and only stopped asking within the last 6 months. I think his dad probably told him it was childish and to stop. (EX and I had separate rooms for the entire time of our reconciliation, so I was still alone in my bed even when we reconciled. He was in an entirely different part of the house, over the garage and since he'd go to bed at like 8PM, I don't think he even knew my son was still asking to sleep with me because he never was there at their bedtime). 

During the school year when the kids usually go to bed before I do, I still lay down with them for a few minutes. During the summer, they last way longer than I do! I'm not a night owl at all.


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

I had my sons at 18 when my husband and I were still living with our parents, so for the first two years they slept in their cribs in my bedroom. Didn't have a lot of choice, there was no where else for them to go. When we finally moved into our own apartment it was straight into their own bedroom. We never really had any trouble bar a few hiccups in that initial transition and later when one of them inherited my night terrors and would occasionally come to us for comfort. It was just easier to let him conk out between us than to go back and forth until he fell asleep and risk waking his brother. Haven't had any issues at all with my other three.

I really don't think it's healthy to foster that kind of dependency. I've never slept alone in my life - slept in my parent's room until I was 6, with my brother until I was 16 and with my husband from then on. Alone and without medication, I don't sleep at all. I can't help but think that if my mom and dad had been harsher about it, I wouldn't have this issue. I understand that some kids can be real problem sleepers (because I was) and it's just so much easier to give them what they want, but you really gotta nip that in the bud ASAP and not let it become habit. I think anywhere beyond 6-8 is "serious problem" territory, especially if it's happening weekly or nightly.

Also,



EllisRedding said:


> When the topic of sex came up, some of the callers who let their young kids sleep in their bed stated that as long as the bed was big enough they would just keep the kid to one side of the bed while they did their act.


Gross. Grosssssss. I'm also not sure how legal that is.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> When the topic of sex came up, some of the callers who let their young kids sleep in their bed stated that as long as the bed was big enough they would just keep the kid to one side of the bed while they did their act.


I'm sorry, but my head just exploded.:surprise:

There is NO bed big enough for that.

YIKES.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

My babies slept in a bassinet next to our bed for 2 weeks. When they moved to their own crib in their own rooms, they only woke up very occasionally, and were basically sleeping through the night by 3 weeks. I bottle fed all 3 and saw no need for cuddle time at bedtime since I was a SAHM and basically could cuddle all day. 

PLEASE NOTE: My daughter was 2 yrs old and her daddy didn't come home from work until 2 a.m. She would wake up, cuddle with dad for a bit and tell us she was tired and wanted to go back to bad- but she ALWAYS woke when dad got home. This is my first born who slept unitil 10 a..m. most mornings. Bless her- her siblings weren't so forgiving with early morning starts!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Our bedroom was holy territory and the bed was the holy of holies.

It was definitely mom and dad space and children only entered when requested to.

The people that were fvcking in front of their kids in the same bed are seriously deranged.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

The kids are sleeping, Conan, and probably quite small.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

jld said:


> The kids are sleeping, Conan, and probably quite small.


Deranged.

I was quite small and assumed to be sleeping and knew exactly what was going on in a similar situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

O_kay._


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Seriously - a cat or dog in the room is awkward enough. What in the world having a sleeping kid there. Is it fun to have to keep quiet? Ew!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

My wife and I talked about this last night. Never once had the thought come up to have sex with a child/infant in bed, just kinda creepy. At what point, assuming they are still sleeping in your bed, do they officially become "too old" to do this??? Someone I spoke to I believe him and his wife would do this even when their son (who was 3-4 yrs old at the time) was still sleeping in their bed... I think another poster here asked the question, could there be legal implications?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Deranged.
> 
> I was quite small and assumed to be sleeping and knew exactly what was going on in a similar situation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There's nothing good that comes from a kid knowing this when little or even remembering it after growing up. It's just irresponsible and crappy. It's not good memories people. Don't have sex with your kids in the bed. It's amazing people don't know this. Even more amazing that it's defended.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Thundarr said:


> There's nothing good that comes from a kid knowing this when little or even remembering it after growing up. It's just irresponsible and crappy. It's not good memories people. Don't have sex with your kids in the bed. It's amazing people don't know this. Even more amazing that it's defended.


Totally agree. I don't recall ever doing this while having a child sleeping in our bed, BUT our daughter did discover us several times when she was little because she was such a terrible and unpredictable sleeper and we were very irresponsible with keeping the door closed/locked (or refraining from doing it in the living room after the kids were in bed). And honestly, it seriously affected her .


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Our son slept in our room in a co-sleeper for the first several months. We moved him to a crib in his own room at around 8 months old. When he started climbing out of the crib at 18 months old, he would sometimes join us in bed if he had nightmares or other issues with sleeping. He's 2 now and does better about sleeping in his own bed, rarely in our bed. 




Thundarr said:


> There's nothing good that comes from a kid knowing this when little or even remembering it after growing up. It's just irresponsible and crappy. It's not good memories people. Don't have sex with your kids in the bed. It's amazing people don't know this. Even more amazing that it's defended.


I could never have sex with my son being right there. I just can't imagine it. When our son was an infant and in our bed or the co-sleeper attached to our bed, we'd leave the room and have sex somewhere else. There are plenty of other rooms in the house where you can have sex. Having our son in our room never slowed down our sex life.


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## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

These conversations are always interesting. It's funny how people view co-sleeping as strange, as if having infants in their own beds in separate rooms has been the norm forever. 

In fact, the vast majority of humans sleep in the same bed with their infants. Throughout most of human history infants have slept with their mothers for at least the first few years of life. It really is a uniquely modern, first world thing to have infants in separate beds. Many studies suggest higher rates if SIDS for children who sleep apart. We evolved in such a way that human infants are still very dependent on their mothers. Not just for food but for neurological cues. 

I don't have the reference for it because I borrowed the book but...I took an anthropology class last semester and the textbook noted that children in western culture who do not bed-share and/or baby-wear are developmentally behind children in less developed cultures who still practice more "old fashioned" methods. The third world children tend to develop faster neurologically. They also tend to be more independent. Studies suggest that infants and young children who have more contact with their care takers (and it doesn't have to be mother) develop more confidence and are less fearful. They posit it is because the children are given the attention and closeness they need to feel safe.

Also...many people all over the world have whole families living in one room. I don't think they're perverted if they have sex in their home. It's just a matter of what you're used to.

My husband and I didn't plan to co-sleep with our son but that was literally the only way any of us were going to get a good night's sleep. He just could not sleep by himself. I nursed and it was so much better to just roll over and feed him when he stirred in the night. We took precautions but I don't think there was ever any danger of us rolling over him. The big danger was him falling out of bed or in between the bed and the wall. We ended up putting two mattresses side by side on the floor. He slept with us until about 9 months then he would sleep in his crib half the night then with us the rest until18 months when we finally got him to sleep all night by himself.

Also...we did have sex with him in the bed a few times when he was very small. We had a 6 year old at the time so sex in other rooms was not safe. Baby was asleep and too young to have any comprehension of our shenanigans.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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