# Wife developed an emotional affair, but she can't let go...



## dubBruin (Mar 4, 2010)

My wife and I have been together three years now, and married for a year.

About a year and a half into our relationship, she began her first emotional affair. It was the worst month of my life when I found out. A month later she eventually stopped talking to the guy, but it wasn't exactly a quick departure, and it was more of circumstance than her doing it for me. (She worked with him, but she changed jobs at this point)

While it took a few months to cope, we were going strong after that. A minor blip in an otherwise unblemished relationship.

Two months ago, a year into our marriage, I saw she was texting her new guy friend at work a lot. She was also calling him on her drive to and from work. At first, she claimed she was purely trying to make new work friends. I asked her to please be open and honest and not have this turn into what had happened before.

A week later she told me she hadn't felt close to me in months. That we've been distant. She asked that we take a weekend apart to enjoy ourselves with friends so we could come back rejuvenated. I was reluctant but agreed.

When reuniting on Monday, I read her text messages. She had lied about spending both nights with some friends, and had gone over to her new work friends house twice. She text him that now that he had her emotionally, she was scared he wouldn't want her anymore.

She was in the midst of another emotional affair. This time, she kissed him once.

I asked her to drop him completely. That she needed to focus on us. That we need to communicate more. At the time she agreed. But she hasn't stop texting him.

She claims now to only answer his texts, and doesnt text him out of the blue. She's apparently giving him relationship advice with a new girl he is after. I don't care, I don't want him in our life anymore. Is this unreasonable?

Each time I ask her why she is still texting him, she says she will stop... but she never does. Now shes paranoid I'll look at her phone so she hides it or constantly has it on her.

What should I do to let her know how much it hurts me that she still texts him? How do I get her to talk to me?

Sorry this is so long.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

It looks to me that she is not going to stop, even though you are asking her to do it. She is so selfish! She knows that what she is doing hurts you, and she is not willing to stop. Why don't you just leave her?! She doesn't care for your feelings, for your relationship.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

That sounds pretty serious. You have every right to demand that she cut off contact completely. Let him figure out this new "girlfriend" issue, if there even is one to figure out.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

dubBruin~

This is fairly easy. You can not "make" her end contact. She is an adult and if you start making demands she'll hide it more and lie. So demands probably will not work out. 

Right now she is getting *some* of her love kindlers from you (probably financial commitment and maybe some family commitment) and she's having the rest of her love kindlers met by him (probably emotional commitment and physical commitment). Here's what I would suggest. 

#1--Ask her point blank to end all contact with the other man right now and never, EVER contact him again. If she says she's willing, let her know she has said it before and kept on lying so now you'd require her to allow YOU to send a No Contact letter/email to the other man, and you'd require her to give you access to all of her emails, phone txts, chats, etc. so you can check up on her. That way she has the chance to rebuild your trust by actually never contacting him again. 

#2--If she won't do #1 (and I'll assume she'll say something like, "How dare you invade my privacy like that! I would never give you access to everything!") then I would recommend exposing the affair. This means contacting people whom she respects who will likely tell her to knock it off and return to her marriage: like the pastor, her parents, a friend who'll tell her the truth, etc. You may also want to tell your parents so they can support you and you struggle with this, and tell her employer. See if this is a guy from work, right now they are at risk for a sexual harassment lawsuit because this is definitely unwanted sexual activity at work (you, as the spouse, do not want it and probably her bosses don't want it), using work resources for sexual reasons, and lowering productivity. The purpose of exposure is not to embarrass her or drag her name through the mud or revenge--there is just one purpose: to get the help you need to have the best chance to stop the affair. If her parents tell her "Honey stop this and go back to your husband" and her pastor tells her "It is not godly to carry on an affair" and her boss tells her "You can not work here because of this affair" she'll likely be angry--but the affair will END. That's the goal. 

Now if she is ready to voluntarily end all contact and work on the marriage here's what it will look like: 

She will admit it was wrong
She will make the appointments for counseling (you won't have to nag her)
She will let you see her phone and emails
She will understand why you're hurt over her behavior

She PROBABLY will not come back begging for forgiveness and remorseful. Usually the reason a person has an affair is that there are Love Extinguishers at home while there are fewer and fewer Love Kindlers. She maybe doesn't speak your love language for example, and she feels lonely and like she can't get your attention. Soooo... it is 100% her fault for choosing to deal with those issues by having an affair, but in her head she was hurting and someone else made her feel better when you wouldn't listen. So don't expect remorse right at first okay?


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## dubBruin (Mar 4, 2010)

Deb, I think the problem is this is the first relationship where her significant other actually genuinely cares for her. Not to say that is an excuse for these actions, but shes had a relationship history where if it wasn't perfect one person immediately left. I feel like what we have is too good in the good times to give up for this. She's made progress.

Affaircare,

Thanks so much for the lengthy and detailed response. I will definitely bring up this issue and ask her to end all communication with him. I think one issue i've been having is I bring it up when one of us is angry, rather than calmly sit down and make my needs known.

I have no idea this started out of her needing more physical and emotional attention. I was working two career jobs last year over a 9 month period a month after our wedding, and unfortunately let it affect our relationship. Work will never get in the way like that again.

If she agrees to stop, but a week later begins again, giving a usual excuse of "I was just replying to his text"... what do I do?

My other problem is, she works with him at least three days a week, and they now share all of the same work friends. It's impossible for him to be completely out of her life while I'm trying to regain her trust. What can I do to feel better about that if she does agree to stop talking to him?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

dubBruin said:


> ...I have no idea this started out of her needing more physical and emotional attention. I was working two career jobs last year over a 9 month period a month after our wedding, and unfortunately let it affect our relationship. Work will never get in the way like that again.


Just so you know, don't beat yourself up about this too bad. You made a mistake and it is medium reasonable to think your spouse would say something to you about being lonely before finding someone else...and yet sometimes the other person "finds them" and they're vulnerable so they fall right in. 

I'm glad you see how you contributed though. It's huge that you can admit personal responsibility! Now how do you plan to change things so you have time for affection?



> If she agrees to stop, but a week later begins again, giving a usual excuse of "I was just replying to his text"... what do I do?


Again that's fairly easy. You would tell her that you're in this 100% and you thought she agreed to be in it 100% too. So until she's in it 100%, you can no longer be with her, see her or speak to her until she has ended all contact with the other man -and- demonstrated to you that it's really over. 

See you are giving her one last chance to do the right thing and be faithful to her marriage 100% all in. As long as she's not willing to feel bad a bit (during withdrawal), admit she made a mistake, and take drastic measures to make sure there is never again any contact--then your marriage can't make any progress. You'll spin and spin your wheels. I know of another person here on this site who's done that for a year and she still sees her OM about every 3rd day at work and they are not recovering! 

So it's not so much an "ultimatum" as one last chance to do the right thing and prove she's trustworthy. If she takes the chance--rejoice! If not you will need to allow her to experience the natural consequences of her continued lying and her choice of the OM ahead of the marriage. 



> My other problem is, she works with him at least three days a week, and they now share all of the same work friends. It's impossible for him to be completely out of her life while I'm trying to regain her trust. What can I do to feel better about that if she does agree to stop talking to him?


Again this is easy. NO CONTACT is a requirement: it can't be "gradual" and it can't be that she sees him every day but just doesn't talk to him. She has to quit her job or transfer to a different branch in order for the marriage relationship to flourish. She can't work there anymore if she wants to be with you. Yes I realize the economy sucks for quitting a job right now, but part of the *cost* of her choosing to behave inappropriately at work and have an affair is that now she has to lose her job. 

See, dubBruin, I do realize that this cost is fairly harsh. She is the one who chose to destroy the trust, so now the cost is that she has to prove herself trustworthy by being WAY up front and letting you check on her. Some privacy is lost because she misused the trust she had. Also, she is the one who chose to act inappropriately with a man at work, so now the cost is that she has to lose that job in that location. 

And like I've told other folks here on the site, if she is not willing to be all in 100%, let you see her accounts, and change jobs...then she's using you and taking you for a ride. If that's her reply, please come back and we'll talk about what to do.


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## dubBruin (Mar 4, 2010)

Well, she continues to say she shouldn't have to drop him, because he isn't the problem. I agree that he's not the problem, but have told her he needs to be out of the situation completely before we can possibly begin to repair things.

Basically, she's unwilling to let him go.

What do I do now? I still love her, but I can't deal with the constant reminders of an emotional affair, with the nagging in the back of my head that it will just happen again. She's shown no willingness to put me ahead of other guys.

Is moving out my next option?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

No. But kicking her out is an option. Close all joint accounts and CCs. Cut off all financing. File for divorce. You need to make a strong statement. If only for your own self respect.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

dubBruin said:


> Well, she continues to say she shouldn't have to drop him, because he isn't the problem. I agree that he's not the problem, but have told her he needs to be out of the situation completely before we can possibly begin to repair things.
> 
> Basically, she's unwilling to let him go.
> 
> ...


Nope--step number two is exposing the affair, remember? 



> #2--If she won't do #1 (and I'll assume she'll say something like, "How dare you invade my privacy like that! I would never give you access to everything!") then I would recommend exposing the affair. This means contacting people whom she respects who will likely tell her to knock it off and return to her marriage: like the pastor, her parents, a friend who'll tell her the truth, etc. You may also want to tell your parents so they can support you and you struggle with this, and tell her employer. See if this is a guy from work, right now they are at risk for a sexual harassment lawsuit because this is definitely unwanted sexual activity at work (you, as the spouse, do not want it and probably her bosses don't want it), using work resources for sexual reasons, and lowering productivity. The purpose of exposure is not to embarrass her or drag her name through the mud or revenge--there is just one purpose: to get the help you need to have the best chance to stop the affair. If her parents tell her "Honey stop this and go back to your husband" and her pastor tells her "It is not godly to carry on an affair" and her boss tells her "You can not work here because of this affair" she'll likely be angry--but the affair will END. That's the goal.


So tonight or tomorrow morning how about putting together a list of people who will likely tell her to stop messing around with other men and go back to her husband? I listed a few possibilities up above (YOUR family, her family, pro-marriage friends, employer, pastor, the Other Man's Wife or Significant Other), but bear in mind that her own family and siblings may conceivably support her and her affair (because they don't want to lose a daughter/sister). So come up with a list of people, dubBruin. Who will be pro-marriage and also be someone she sort of respects and might listen to? 

Then to the people who are on your list of those to whom to expose the affair you would send a note like this: 

"_Two months ago, a year into our new marriage, my dear wife began texting a new guy friend at work a lot. She also began calling him on her drive to and from work. At first, she claimed they were 'Just Friends' but it has gone beyond friendship. A week later she asked that we take a weekend apart, and told me she was going to spend the nights with some friends. That whole weekend she lied and went over to be with him--then she texted him that now that he had her emotionally. She admits that she kissed him. 

I have asked her point blank to work on our marriage and end all contact with the other man right now and never, EVER contact him again, but she refuses. I have told her that I'm in this 100% and thought she agreed to be in it 100% too but she refuses to give up her affair to repair the marriage. She is using work time and work resources to carry on this unwanted sexual behavior, and I'm asking for you to please pray for us and help me help her to honor her commitment._" 

Now dubBruin here's where a lot of people waffle and don't want to do it. They think "Well I'm dragging her name through the mud." No you're not. Her ACTIONS are doing that. Part of the thrill of an affair is that they are secret and no one knows...so if everyone knows all of a sudden and her mom calls "HEY what in the world is going on! I didn't raise you to cheat!" And her boss takes away her expense account...well suddenly the blush is off Mr. Work Buddy's rose. AND she knows that you're dead serious! 

Second, her boss needs to know they are lowering productivity, using work resources, and putting the company at risk for a sexual harassment lawsuit to cavort around. The boss may nip it right in the bud! The OM's W, gf or SO also needs to know that your W is endangering her relationship. Again that may nip it right in the bud! 

Third, your motivation here is to end the affair as quickly as possible, but your W is addicted to the "zing" and the high feeling of being wanted and interesting to someone. I can tell you right now that she *IS* going to be mad because she is like a drug addict and you just took away her drug! She will fight tooth and nail to get it back! But when someone's an addict and we do an intervention for their own good, don't we put up with some of their anger and screaming and threats "now" for their long-term good? Same here. 

So be brave and expose this affair!


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