# The Big Question....how do I get out?



## Enoughathome (Oct 10, 2012)

I'm in a marriage that has been unraveling for a long time. I will avoid the whole long story. The bottom line is I still love my wife and I believe in some messed up way, my wife still loves me. 

Counseling is not an option as my wife won't go. I can't discusss anything either with her. She gets immediately defensive and the conversation never ever is meaningful or fruitful. 

Despite all this, I can't seem to gather the courage to leave. Leaving means, I give up my life as it is. No more home, no more hopes and dreams of having a family with my wife, I will have to pay exorbitant attorney's fees and surely will pay some kind of alimony to my wife who has not worked (her choice over my objection) for 6 years. She quit her job as soon as we got married (a unilateral decision which I had no input about). We do not have kids. I'm a professional and so is she. She merely quit her job after we were married because she said she didn't like her job and I could afford to pay for everything. So, I work (my regular job and a side job) and she stays home doing whatever she likes. 

All objective signs point to the fact that I should leave. If I had a friend in my position I'd tell him to get out. I know this relationship is not good nor has it ever truly been good. I guess, I've always been hoping things would get better. Always hoping to no avail. In fact, they have only gotten worse because I've chosen to confront her with my concerns about her not working and her controlling nature. My wife doesn't take criticism well and gets defensive and nasty. 

The thing is, I can't seem to gather the courage to leave. To tell her that it is truly over. What is wrong with me!!??? At work, I'm an aggressive leader. I'm home, I'm nothing. 

I'm writing to the universe for some words of widsom, encouragement, anything. I feel like someone is kicking me in the stomach every minute of every day. Help.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

is there someone else?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

When i left my exH,telling him i was leaving was the scariest thing ever.Once I signed the lease on my apartment though,I had never felt better.He accepted it after several days of anger and lashing out at me.Now he admits it was for the best.
Giving up the home i helped build was really tough.But once you make up your mind that you're done...you really find that being done is all you think about so the rest of the stuff falls away.


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## Enoughathome (Oct 10, 2012)

No...there is no one else on my side. I don't think there is someone else on her side either. I am ashamed to admit it, but for the last couple of months I've been tracking her location through her phone and she has not been anywhere she has not supposed to be.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Set a date and just do it ask her if she wants to file together.

You have to do it if you've made that decision.

I have a date in mind for my marriage exactly 4 years after my wife uttered ILYNILWY . Right now my wife and I are working on reconnecting together after the TALK 2 last Sunday happened to find out she does love me (had to put it all on the table again)...she knows I won't let this drag on and I mentioned the fact this will not go beyond a year 4. We are now nearing a year 3 of sexlessness.

We have a checkpoint in January to see how things are going by then. We both re-committed to finding a solution but time is ticking if we are not good by that date next November... I will ask her to go down and file together. Right before Thanksgiving dinner next year. I set the odds in our favoir that we rectify our situation by then but regardless I will not back down on carrying through with divorce if need be. My wife knows I'm serious.

Have a plan and stick to it, my wife chose a marriage path again that's the last time I offer her a choice..... the situation you are in is un-livable.
Be bold and let the chips fall where they may.
If I have to I'll start all over.. no regrets I tried my hardest and in the end that's all you can do.
Takes 2 to make it work...looking out for each others needs. Always.

Either fix it or don't... most successful negotiations are made when the choice is made clear and time is running out. Marriage is a constant negotiation.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Sounds like she married you to take financial care of her and has been/is using you as a wallet. 

Leave and do not have kids with her. I'm sure you're still young enough to find someone that appreciates you to have a nice family with.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You need to talk to her sooner than later.

Realize that all of the things you fear (not having a family with her, the life you've built with her, your home, lawyer's fees) WILL all happen if you divorce. That's par for the course.

Why is she so unwilling to go to counselling? I think that's very telling.

Talk to her and tell her how you feel. You are both either committed to the relationship or you're not. If you're not both on board, then there is no point in staying together. It takes two.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

It sounds like you are a doormat right now, and that she does not respect you. Assuming that your wife is not having an affair, if you could do something to reclaim respect from your wife - which I believe is the root of your problem - would you consider staying to work on the marriage?

To confirm my suspicions, does your wife get her way on most things and have you been treating her like a queen during your marriage? You work 2 jobs - do you also do more than your share of the household chores too? Does your wife put you down regularly to your face and to her friends and others outside the marriage? If so, then you are a doormat.


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## Enoughathome (Oct 10, 2012)

We met at 38 and married at 40. I truly believe she wanted to get married to have a family. That's why I did too. The problem is that we were never blessed with children. Instead of going back to work and helping us hopefully save money to retire one day she just sat back and said, "I'm not going back to work because I don't like my job." I feel resentful of that. As a single guy I was well on my way to be retired by 55. Now, all my pre-marital savings are gone because I've had to pay for everything including her college education that she refuses to put use. If I stay with her, I'll never be able to retire and I'll work till I drop dead. I'm 47 now. A professional and still in good shape. I fear though that my days of meeting someone to have children with are over. I'll never have the blessing of being a father. By the time this whole mess is over and done with (I haven't even started) will likely be 2 years I expect. Then I'll be 49. 

The road to hell is truly paved with good intentions......


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

sounds like you have deep resentment for your wife.i wonder if she feels that...


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## Enoughathome (Oct 10, 2012)

Dear Plan 9, 

Yes, I've always tried to give my wife what she wanted. I always tried to make her happy. Despite that, it was never enough, or not what she wanted. If I brought home roses, she says, I prefer wild flowers. When I brought home wild flowers, they were not nice enough. I dread birthdays, valentines day, and xmas as ultimately whatever I get her will not be good enough. 

I also do household chores with her from time to time. Lately, she got upset with me because she got a cleaning woman (without telling me) to help her clean and I mentioned the fact that she doesn't work so why does she need a cleaning woman? I wasn't nasty, just inquired. She didn't speak to me for 2 days over my question. 

I'm not perfect. I have my moments of insensitivity and aloofness, but all in all, I am a good man. 

I am a doormat. When I was single, I was confident, happy, and not lonely to a nervous, miserable, and lonely guy.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

If it meant losing my home, some money and a few possessions to have a life worth living then the choice for me is clear. I'd be leaving if it meant I'd be happy. If you know that your wife is not willing to change or even acknowledge she has things she needs to change then I don't see any hope of this working out in your favor. 

Implement those aggressive leader skills you have at work into your personal life. You overcome obstacles at work and you'll overcome this one as well. Unfortanately, yes, you may need to pay the price for it because you have enabled her to stay at home watching Days Of Our Lives for 6 years. 

I would consult an attorney. It doesn't mean you have to file for divorce that very moment but this attorney will know exactly what it is she may be entitled to. It may be the house if she could afford it and possibly part of your retirement. The good news is that you two do not have kids so likely you could stay in the house. She may get a small stipend from you monthly for a short period of time until she gets back into the work force. I assume she is healthy and capable of working. She is not strapped down by taking care of kids. No kids need to be uprooted from the home. This all works in your favor. 

Once you meet with an attorney you may find that moving on is not as bad as what you are conjuring up in your head. You may be pleasantly surprised. 

Good luck to you.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Enoughathome said:


> Instead of going back to work and helping us hopefully save money to retire one day she just sat back and said, "I'm not going back to work because I don't like my job."
> 
> Now, all my pre-marital savings are gone because I've had to pay for everything including her college education that she refuses to put use.
> 
> ...


Perhaps so, but you did the paving yourself. True, you may never have children. But if you stay, you will have this anchor around your neck forever.

She didn't like her job? Let her find one she likes.

She doesn't want to use her college education? Tough.

My dear man, grow a pair and get rid of this negative leech. 

As far as alimony goes, it is now called "spousal support," and the court awards it for half the time a couple is married, and only if the spouse awarded the money needs it to be re-trained in order to enter the workforce. It sounds like other than sitting on her lazy a$$, your wife is perfectly capable of getting a job. You do not have a marriage of longevity (more than 10 years), so you aren't going to be paying out mega-bucks in support. The problem as I see it is you have been around this negative, blood-sucking woman for so long you aren't able to see a positive outcome to divorce.

I would have dumped her like toxic waste long before now. JMO.


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## Enoughathome (Oct 10, 2012)

You are right, I do resent my wife. I resent her for resenting me that we don't have kids. I spend tens of thousands of dollars doing fertility to no avail. She told me she resents me because I didn't spend every penny I had to continue fertility despite the fact that the doctor told us that we had a 5% chance of success. 

I told her if you had kept working (she was making 55Grand per year) we could have spent every penny of that disposable income to continue trying, but she never wanted to go back to work. 

I am resentful that I am the plow horse of this relationship and I get no appreciation, love, affection, no kisses, no hugs, nothing. 

I am ashamed that I want to leave my marriage and more ashamed of myself that I don't have the balls to do it.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Enoughathome said:


> Dear Plan 9,
> 
> Yes, I've always tried to give my wife what she wanted. I always tried to make her happy. Despite that, it was never enough, or not what she wanted. If I brought home roses, she says, I prefer wild flowers. When I brought home wild flowers, they were not nice enough. I dread birthdays, valentines day, and xmas as ultimately whatever I get her will not be good enough.
> 
> ...


OK. The big question is how much do you love the woman? If you are still madly in love with her or suspect that you could fall in love with her again if the resentment is significant, would you want to make amends if she changes on her end? Right now you need to stop treating her like a queen and start demanding respect. Stop helping around the house. Stop buying her a bunch of little presents "just because". It doesn't work and you'll never satisfy her.


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## Enoughathome (Oct 10, 2012)

Prodigal, 

Thanks for words. They gave me small breath of strength. I know that the reason I don't leave is because I have self-esteem issues going back to childhood.....I am working on those.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Enoughathome said:


> You are right, I do resent my wife. I resent her for resenting me that we don't have kids. I spend tens of thousands of dollars doing fertility to no avail. She told me she resents me because I didn't spend every penny I had to continue fertility despite the fact that the doctor told us that we had a 5% chance of success.
> 
> I told her if you had kept working (she was making 55Grand per year) we could have spent every penny of that disposable income to continue trying, but she never wanted to go back to work.
> 
> ...


To be captain obvious here: You're going to have to bite the bullet and leave sooner rather than later.

While I realize we're only getting your side of the story,if had to label this person i'd use words like entitled,spoiled,selfish,bitter,and several other words.

If you were a woman I'd be telling you to relocate your dignity and take back your life,woman up. So...MAN UP! Take back your life.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I'm wondering if you leave her,she'll see what she had and change her ways so the two of you can work on fixing things.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Enoughathome said:


> You are right, I do resent my wife. I resent her for resenting me that we don't have kids. I spend tens of thousands of dollars doing fertility to no avail. She told me she resents me because I didn't spend every penny I had to continue fertility despite the fact that the doctor told us that we had a 5% chance of success.
> 
> I told her if you had kept working (she was making 55Grand per year) we could have spent every penny of that disposable income to continue trying, but she never wanted to go back to work.
> 
> ...



Life to too short to live in shame and as a doormat. 

Go find your wife's purse and get your balls back! Put on your big boy pants, put the house for sale, and leave her. You'll only have to pay her alimony for as long as you've been married, or until she finds someone else to hook up with. 

If you stay with her, no you won't have children.

If you leave and make a new life for yourself, your possibilities are endless. You could very well become a father. Just make sure anyone in your future has their own job.

Always look at the bright side and keep your chin up!


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> While I realize we're only getting your side of the story,if had to label this person i'd use words like entitled,spoiled,selfish,bitter,and several other words.


You forgot: Princess, Queen of the Castle, Diva of the House, Boss, :scratchhead:


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Enoughathome said:


> I know that the reason I don't leave is because I have self-esteem issues going back to childhood.....I am working on those.


No, hon, you leave IN SPITE of the childhood issues. We work on them. But we dont' get sucked into the vortex in the meantime. I have issues, you have issues, all God's children have issues.

Notice how many times you used the word "resent" or "resentful" in your previous post. You are stuffing way too much down. Waaayyyyy too much.

It is good that you are working on your self-esteem. I truly understand, having had any self-esteem I may have possessed beaten out of me by two looney parents.

But you are waist-deep and sinking deeper by hanging onto a relationship that appears to boil down to one commonality: resentment.

Time to pull the plug. You will be surprised how much your self-esteem level will rise when you do something in spite of your fears and issues.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> No, hon, you leave IN SPITE of the childhood issues. We work on them. But we dont' get sucked into the vortex in the meantime. I have issues, you have issues, all God's children have issues.
> 
> Notice how many times you used the word "resent" or "resentful" in your previous post. You are stuffing way too much down. Waaayyyyy too much.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Good post!


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Did you ever consider adoption?

I guess when you married her she worked then pulled a bait & switch. What a nightmare for you. She decided to be an SAHM w/o any children.

Unless you are very wealthy, she has no business hiring a cleaning person with your money.

You are still young enough to have a children. A single financially & physically (if you are) fit many in his 40's is very attractive to women.

I wish you well.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

If you stay with her, you won't have children. If you leave, you might. I have several uncles who had children in their 50s and they are beautiful, rewarding families.


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## wimms (Oct 12, 2012)

Enoughathome said:


> Always hoping to no avail. In fact, they have only gotten worse because I've chosen to confront her with my concerns about her not working and her controlling nature. My wife doesn't take criticism well and gets defensive and nasty.


Read up on everything about Borderline. A good starting point might be here:
'TILL DEATH DO US PART - BPD and The Marriage Crucible
BORDERLINE WAIFS AND UNSUNG HEROES; Rescuing The Woman Who Doesn't Want To Be Saved.
WHEN LOVE IS JUST A FOUR LETTER WORD - Understanding the Borderline Personality

Under no circumstances get children when you struggle like this! Children add enormous pressure to relationship and do not fix anything but only add more stress. Consider yourself very very lucky that you haven't children.

DON'T adopt with a person like this. Adoption presumes a very big heart and capacity to love, abandoned child is not a toy from a store to fill your void. Adopted kids come with all sorts of core trauma induced disorders and require extra care that you can't possibly be giving while your own relationship is in distress.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I know the laws are different from one country to another, but alimony for a professional woman in a 6 year marriage and there are no children involved? That sounds downright ludicrous, OP!

However, if you think the marriage has reached the stage of irretrievable breakdown, and your wife isn't amenable to MC, I can't see things improving on their own. Bringing children into the mix would, in all likelihood exacerbate things further, so whatever hopes and dreams you had for a family and life with your wife would appear to be dreams of the past. 

If I were you I'd be considering my own future and making new goals and dreams for myself.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

If you are in the US you definitely won't have to pay her alimony - she will have to get a job. She worked before you married, she'll have to work again. And you don't have to have an expensive attorney unless you don't agree on how you want to divide assets.

Men can have children much older than women - a family is not too late for you if your sperm is healthy.

You may have low self esteem but just THINK about how GREAT you will feel - how STRONG you will feel - if you just make yourself do this one thing. So tell her it's obvious it isn't working and she doesn't want to work on it and you're going to file for divorce so she will want to start looking for a job. And if she reacts harshly, walk away and stay calm and tell her you'll resume discussing a civil split once she's calmed down.

What you don't want to do is stick this out for years and years and look back and think "If I'd only left X years ago...."

The sooner you leave, the better it will be.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Enoughathome said:


> I mentioned the fact that she doesn't work so why does she need a cleaning woman? I wasn't nasty, just inquired. She didn't speak to me for 2 days over my question.


And thus TAUGHT you to never question her again, or else she would punish you again.

Worked, didn't it?

Two things for right now: 
First, read these two books and report back - No More Mr Nice Guy, and Married Man Sex Life (it's not about sex)
Second, pick something that you pay for for her, and STOP PAYING FOR IT. Just one thing. When she complains and threatens to not speak to you for 2 days again, just shrug and say "I'm tired of paying for everything while you won't work. If you want it back, go get a job to pay for it." She can't argue with logic.

Just one thing. I know it's scary, but you can do it!

What one thing are you going to stop paying for?


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