# Another breakthrough



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I was talking to my oldest sister earlier today. She was the one who told me about my ex's FB posts even though I told I didn't want to know. So today, she tells me my ex has been dating someone. In the past I would have been so upset and crying my eyes out over finding this out. I realize that that reaction is pointless, but there was still that part of me that imagined that somehow, someway we were going to get back together and part of me held off moving forward because of it. As illogical as that sounds, even more illogical was trying to imagine how that would have worked out, even if had been possible. If it wasn't working before why would it work in the future?
Anyways my sister told me that and my reaction was? Nothing. If anything I felt a sense of relief. I truly hope the best for her and her future. Everyone deserves to be happy. Even my ex. If I being with me didn't make her happy, maybe she will find it with someone new. Now I need to find my happiness as well. Another connection to my past life has been severed, another pathway to my future uncovered. I never really thought I would feel indifference but it is developing and I can feel it taking over.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I have been thinking about this situation. It is not unexpected, but it was unknown prior to my sister informing me of it. As I said, where before I would have been whimpering and crying, I now find myself able to stand back from it and consider it much more rationally. I recognize that it does bother me to a degree, but at the same time I am able to rationalize that feeling away. It only makes sense that she would eventually have another relationship with a different man. I realize that much of my devastation was due to my attachment to who I wanted her to be, rather than who she actually is. I am not saying that in a critical or condemning way, but rather from the standpoint that I had an image of her that was far different than what she really was. She had/has a right to pursue her own happiness. If she couldn't be happy with me, she is free to find someone she can be happy with. As am I. I was unhappy with her and now I can find another. It is not a race with her or a contest with her. I do not have to beat her to the finish line. These are all new thoughts for me and yet another sign of my growth.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Excellent. Plan your life as carefull as you can so you don't have to go through this again.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Ynot said:


> I have been thinking about this situation. It is not unexpected, but it was unknown prior to my sister informing me of it. As I said, where before I would have been whimpering and crying, I now find myself able to stand back from it and consider it much more rationally. I recognize that it does bother me to a degree, but at the same time I am able to rationalize that feeling away. It only makes sense that she would eventually have another relationship with a different man. I realize that much of my devastation was due to my attachment to who I wanted her to be, rather than who she actually is. I am not saying that in a critical or condemning way, but rather from the standpoint that I had an image of her that was far different than what she really was. She had/has a right to pursue her own happiness. If she couldn't be happy with me, she is free to find someone she can be happy with. As am I. I was unhappy with her and now I can find another. It is not a race with her or a contest with her. I do not have to beat her to the finish line. These are all new thoughts for me and yet another sign of my growth.


I am really enjoying and learning from your recent posts. We're on similar emotional paths, although you're farther up the trail. You're giving me lots to ponder.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I am really enjoying and learning from your recent posts. We're on similar emotional paths, although you're farther up the trail. You're giving me lots to ponder.


Thank you for the kind words.
I have been searching for the lessons to be learned from my pain. I honestly do not think I would have learned the lessons (to the extent that I have) had I not experienced the devastation of my divorce. One thing I have discovered is that the greatest lessons are also the hardest to learn. That is because they are often the things we need to learn about our selves.
The last few weeks have truly been enlightening for me.
I started out with the same overwhelming sense of anxiety and sadness I started off with over a year ago while going through the divorce. What I have discovered is that regardless of how or why it happened, in the end it is all on me. Nobody is coming to save me.
But why did I ever think someone would be? Because I had been looking at life all wrong.
I realized I was looking for answers and solutions and peace everywhere but the one place I would actually find it. I was looking for answers from the world when every answer I needed could be found from within. I am the only one who could make me whole again.
It doesn't matter if she .... ( fill in the blank - a coward, a narcissit. A quitter or whatever negative you could think off) what really mattered was that I chose to attach myself to her. I do not think my ex was evil. I do not think my ex was purposefully trying to hurt me. What I do think is that she was doing the best that she could do for herself. She deserves to be happy. We all deserve to be happy. Obviously she decided she would be happier without me. I need to be happy without her. She is not responsible for my happiness. I am the only one responsible for my happiness.
My unhappiness was caused by MY attachment not by her or my love for her. I am growing and I am gaining perspective with this growth. I want to be happy. I want peace. I want to love again.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Huh ????

She failed as a wife not because you could not makenher happy. She failed because of her issues. 

Why the noble victim act? Own only what you owe, and pay it in full. 

Keep it up and your next relationship will be the same. That debt will be yours.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

JohnA said:


> Huh ????
> 
> She failed as a wife not because you could not makenher happy. She failed because of her issues.
> 
> ...


I am not a noble victim. But I was for many months. Her issues are her issues. I had allowed myself to be victimized by them . No longer. I am responsible for my happiness and my happiness alone. FTR I am owning what I owe. I could choose to focus on her and remain a victim or I could choose to focus on me and become a better person. I am sorry you choose to remain bitter. despite your apparent confusion , each of us is only doing the best that we know how. It serves no purpose to dwell on the shortcomings or inabilities of others since those are beyond our control. However failure to recognize our own faults will most assuredly lead to repeats of past mistakes.
I recognized hers and now I am owning mine. Nobody is perfect. And the act of being responsible for our own happiness may not make the other person in our lives happy. I refuse to buy into the idea that she owes me because of a vow she took 25 years ago. I would rather have someone in my life because they want to be with me, rather than because of duty.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

I really liked the first part of your response to my statement.

But disagree with the second. You were wallowing in pity, poor noble me. I think your patience and love though out your ordeal was amazing. But in the end your marriage was parasitic in nature. A healthy marriage is symbiotic in nature. 

I am ADHD by nature. The one quality I need in a friend is a frank statement that challenges me. Do not think I am devaluing you. At this point I think you need bluntness first and foremost. Regardless of how you decide use my comments I will respect your choice. Should I post on your thread in the future? If so please let me know by liking this comment or quoting it.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

JohnA said:


> I really liked the first part of your response to my statement.
> 
> But disagree with the second. You were wallowing in pity, poor noble me. I think your patience and love though out your ordeal was amazing. But in the end your marriage was parasitic in nature. A healthy marriage is symbiotic in nature.
> 
> I am ADHD by nature. The one quality I need in a friend is a frank statement that challenges me. Do not think I am devaluing you. At this point I think you need bluntness first and foremost. Regardless of how you decide use my comments I will respect your choice. Should I post on your thread in the future? If so please let me know by liking this comment or quoting it.


I will do both!
I enjoy discussion of any idea, whether mine or not. I hope I don't give the impression that I feel my ideas, thoughts, comments, or posts as being sacrosanct. 
I absolutely was wallowing in pity. I never meant to imply otherwise.
But I now only have to realize and recognize that feeling that way was not conducive to a happy life and that my only obligation to my past at this point is to recognize that that was not making me happy. Blaming, pointing fingers, being resentful or angry, each of those represents clinging to the past. I already know why and how that made me feel, I just need to avoid that in the future. That is where responsibility to my self comes in. 
Wallowing in self pity was not an act of responsibility to myself. It is akin to third grader remaining upset for the rest of his life because 2X3 actually equals 6. We could spend all day discussing whether or not we thought the X was a + or that the correct answer (in our mind) should have been 5. Either way our perception was wrong. Simply recognizing that failure on our part and recognizing reality is all the lesson we need to learn from it. And it wouldn't matter if we were just reading what our partners wrote down and who is to say they didn't actually intend to make the X a + or the 6 a 5?

And I do agree a healthy marriage is symbiotic. But not all symbiotic relationships are healthy. Sometimes that symbiotic relationship is positive, as when two people who are naturally compatible with each other marry. And sometimes it can be not so much, such as when two damaged people marry. IMO if there is no symbiotic aspects to the relationship, the healthy people probably don't marry that person or the unhealthy people go ahead and marry because regardless of how damaged they may be, at the present time their needs are being meant. And this last case often ends when the relationship becomes to parasitic. The less healthy among us crawl off and die or never recover from the damage, but the healthier ones are able to prosper and thrive once they are free of the parasite. I want to thrive!


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi,

In the aftermath of the debacle of my marriage I had a conversation with my mother. During with she stated she thought I was content with my marriage. (no, I had sunk into a common form of mid-life crisis - despair.) and my ex had calked and complained about issues with me. I was shocked! First I will say she wrong in not speaking with me but it was a good choice in calling a my mother. Some would see this as trying to turn my family away from me - and often this is correct. But in this case no. I never said this to my mother but: why didnt you beat with a 2x4 !!!!!?? At that point we were 6-7 years in and our marriage was dying. 5 years later she went into the fog. To be clear my mother acted as she saw fit-as simply being a safe safety value. A good choice.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I think it's sh!tty of your sister to insist on shoving things in your face when you asked her not to.

Says a lot about her. 

But I understand the indifference. ... one thing that had always bothered me with my ex was that we didnt have a wedding. We got married in the courthouse..... the military forced out hand. 

It always bothered me that we didnt have something small, and my ex was always a pr!ck about it. He really doesn't have compassion for anyone. 

His mom had sent him a box of stuff and in it was the garter from his wedding, which he proceeded to hang up on a closet door right on front of me. 

Seriously? 

When I filed for divorce he purposely left out his photo album from his wedding to his first wife, just to be a d!ck. That's the kind of person he is. 

I looked at it and felt nothing and knew I was done. In fact I thought it was nice for her to have such memories. 

So when my current hb casually mentioned going to the courthouse it was all I could do to avoid becoming unglued. Suffice to say we had a small, lovely wedding that we paid for. It was fabulous!

And he planned a lot of it .... he's a natural planner 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Ynot said:


> I was talking to my oldest sister earlier today. She was the one who told me about my ex's FB posts even though I told I didn't want to know. So today, she tells me my ex has been dating someone. In the past I would have been so upset and crying my eyes out over finding this out. I realize that that reaction is pointless, but there was still that part of me that imagined that somehow, someway we were going to get back together and part of me held off moving forward because of it. As illogical as that sounds, even more illogical was trying to imagine how that would have worked out, even if had been possible. If it wasn't working before why would it work in the future?
> Anyways my sister told me that *and my reaction was? Nothing. If anything I felt a sense of relief. I truly hope the best for her and her future. Everyone deserves to be happy. Even my ex. If I being with me didn't make her happy, maybe she will find it with someone new. Now I need to find my happiness as well. *Another connection to my past life has been severed, another pathway to my future uncovered. I never really thought I would feel indifference but it is developing and I can feel it taking over.


That sense of relief is a much bigger step than indifference Ynot. Relief is the reward when you no longer focus on things you have no control of. And, generally, feeling relief is a sign that you think things are going to be okay one way or another.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

"If I being with me didn't make her happy, maybe she will find it with someone new. Now I need to find my happiness as well. Another connection to my past life has been severed, another pathway to my future uncovered" maybe I'm too aloof after winning $300 at the casino tonight but no one makes me happy but ME! I don't look to anyone to make me happy but ME! Maybe I'm just too damn ENTP but why would anyone look external for happiness?! Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Ynot said:


> I realize that much of my devastation was due to my attachment to who I wanted her to be, rather than who she actually is. I am not saying that in a critical or condemning way, but rather from the standpoint that I had an image of her that was far different than what she really was. She had/has a right to pursue her own happiness. If she couldn't be happy with me, she is free to find someone she can be happy with. As am I. I was unhappy with her and now I can find another. It is not a race with her or a contest with her. I do not have to beat her to the finish line. These are all new thoughts for me and yet another sign of my growth.


Man, you are writing my thoughts from twenty years ago in your comments. I came to the same conclusions when my first marriage was ending. I grieved who I thought my ex was rather than who she actually was. I was not bitter and did not hate her for her exit affair but I thought less of her for it. Eventually I owned my failings in the relationship as well. After all I was the guy who married her and pretended she was something special when she wasn't acting special at all. That's what happens when we let fear drive our actions. My ex and her OM dated during our divorce and married after we divorced. Again though, I was angry at myself for marrying and staying married too long to a person who would do that. 

My guess is that you're twice the man you used to be Ynot and you'll end up with twice the woman your ex was. She will have twice the character, wlll respect you twice as much, and you won't take her for granted because you know what you have. At least that's how it worked out for me.


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