# Husband left me emotionally, long ago



## Annemarie W (Nov 28, 2021)

On Friday my suspicions were confirmed and my husband admitted to a physical affair in 2019 with colleague. I then found out last night that it was an ongoing emotional affair until he finally ended it in May 2021. He is so riddled with guilt (as he thought he could keep it from me forever) he finally came clean on Friday.

I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t concentrate on anything.

The thing is despite it all, he is really a good man. He took out his anger at me during a rough patch in our marriage by having an affair and proceeded to turn to her emotionally rather than me. and of course you cannot divide that type of thing so someone goes wanting. And that someone was me.

he travels for work. Perfect set up right? I am home Monday through Friday and I work from home as well. Our children are grown adults at this point so I am literally home alone. This past year I have fallen deeper and deeper into depression (I have suffered from depression as a child, and was clinically diagnosed in high school). because he is gone so much. I have begged him to come home early some weeks. I have begged him to cut back on travel. and while he watched me decline he turned to her and gave her himself.

I have always thought of this person as my soulmate. I don’t know where he begins and I end. And right now I feel dead. I feel rejected. And I feel like my whole world has just flipped on end. without him I don’t know what to do. I know I will survive. I have no choice. I know I will go on. And maybe even date and meet someone else. Thing is that he has made it really hard for me to trust any man at this point in my life. The one person who is supposed to protect you and you alone. And the one person that is supposed to belong to you and you alone has betrayed my trust.

…and to be truthful I wouldn’t even know how to begin dating at my age. I just turned 22 years old when we got married. By three weeks. So technically I grew up with this person as well as became a wife.

Still though, I want to try to work it out and told him this. I told him I will work with my therapist as well as in marriage counseling to put it behind us so it doesn’t come up in the future. he says he hast to think and process and needs a few days to get away. (this was on Saturday morning ). 

I flat out asked him if he wants a divorce. I said if that is what you want you can have it. Every time I mention it I am met with an adamant no that is not what I want. I have asked him on and off if he wants a divorce over the last 6 to 7 months because I knew that something was wrong. and every time I was met with an adamant no that’s not what I want.

I threw his wedding ring in the trashcan in front of him and he got very angry and upset and pulled it out. He asked me why I would do that? I said because you don’t wear it anymore anyway and if it’s over you’re not going to need it. And his response was ‘you don’t know that’. WTH?

i’m getting mixed signals. I don’t know what he wants and I don’t know what I should do. I know what my heart wants but I know what my head says I should do. He is at risk of losing his children over this. Even though they are grown adults they are strong willed women and have a very very strong opinion on adultery. I don’t know what they will do when they find out that their father committed it on their mother.

I told him if he decides he wants to give it a go, I don’t see the need to tell the girls. However if he decides he wants a divorce he will be the one to sit down with them and explain why. He agreed.

so here I am. Laying in my bed. While he is in a room somewhere ‘processing’. he says he feels guilty. And that is all he feels. He thought if he ended it with her he could focus on his family but instead of feeling love all he feels is guilt. He is also confused as to how he could have feelings for someone else when he was married to me. Now he was questioning everything. He is in therapy and tomorrow is his next session. I gave him an ultimatum and told him that if he can’t make up his mind this week I will make it up for him. I have a lawyer picked out already. I suppose I know what route I must take if he is unsure.

my heart is breaking & my head is reeling. I never AEVER had thought my husband would screw up our life as he has. He admitted he screwed up our life, our family, and our future. And I believe he does feel guilty about it. To the point he started therapy over it. Part of me knows I need to pick up that phone on Monday and call a lawyer. But another part of me just is not ready to pull the trigger.

right now I just wanna bury my head under the covers and escape.

am i being naïve?


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I’m sorry you find yourself here. Yes, you are being naive … but that’s not surprising considering the shock. I remember that time very well. I thought I would never survive it but I did and you will too. 

My story is that my exH and I met as teenagers and married a few years later. I trusted him 100%. I felt he was the least likely person ever to get involved with someone else. But when I was in my mid-30’s I found out he was cheating with a subordinate (they traveled together frequently so lots of opportunities). He didn’t want a divorce and swore it would never happen again so I stayed. It did happen again and I divorced him but I can’t get those lost decades back and that’s what I deeply regret.

Reconciliation is a tough road. Putting your marriage back together will take several years of work and even then it may not succeed. Triggers pop up out of nowhere (my primary trigger was the OW’s name which unfortunately is common). You’ll never again trust him the way you once did and you shouldn’t now that you know what he’s capable of. If the two of you decide to choose that path just keep in mind it’s not quick and it’s not easy. Some do succeed but many don’t. I wish you the very best.


----------



## Annemarie W (Nov 28, 2021)

Openminded said:


> I’m sorry you find yourself here. Yes, you are being naive … but that’s not surprising considering the shock. I remember that time very well. I thought I would never survive it but I did and you will too.
> 
> My story is that my exH and I met as teenagers and married a few years later. I trusted him 100%. I felt he was the least likely person ever to get involved with someone else. But when I was in my mid-30’s I found out he was cheating with a subordinate (they traveled together frequently so lots of opportunities). He didn’t want a divorce and swore it would never happen again so I stayed. It did happen again and I divorced him but I can’t get those lost decades back and that’s what I deeply regret.
> 
> Reconciliation is a tough road. Putting your marriage back together will take several years of work and even then it may not succeed. Triggers pop up out of nowhere (my primary trigger was the OW’s name which unfortunately is common). You’ll never again trust him the way you once did and you shouldn’t now that you know what he’s capable of. If the two of you decide to choose that path just keep in mind it’s not quick and it’s not easy. Some do succeed but many don’t. I wish you the very best.


thank you. I appreciate your story. I know if we reconcile it will be a tough and long road. And I am willing to put the work in to try to make sure I can get past it. And I know I’ll never get past it 100%. I know there a couples that it strengthens their marriage and they’re a couples that it breaks it. I just don’t know what category we would fall in if we decided to reconcile. 

The thing is is I feel almost like he is in love with a façade. he has feelings for a woman that he did not have to deal with things such as stress, money issues, family issues, a day-to-day daily lives that is mundane and boring… he got nothing but a high of a relationship but never experienced reality of it.

i’m not saying that has anything to do with anything. I’m just trying to figure out the way I have it as well as he keeps telling me he doesn’t understand how he could fall in love with somebody and be with me.

I just don’t know where to go from here but I suppose I’ll go wherever God takes me.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Most who have affairs don’t want a divorce. They want the excitement of a new relationship and the comfort of marriage as well. Crazy.


----------



## Annemarie W (Nov 28, 2021)

I hear that! I thought I knew my husband so well. You are so right. 

The comical thing to me is from the night we met he was always adamant that married women and men should not be friends. Under any circumstances. I remember years and years ago (we were married maybe 5/6 years) I had a male coworker that I ran out and grabbed some lunch with and he was so angry … telling me I had no business going to lunch with him because I was married. i told him we both just took our lunch at the same time but he said it didn’t matter. I was married and had no business having a meal with some who’s not my husband. Funny.

He always said married women had no business in bars. Even if is a girls nite. Said only bad things can happen. he preached to our girls about boyffiends who cheated (my youngest was in a 6 year relationship with a cheater) … used to constantly say he had no respect for men who cheat … and here is the kicker … has always said that if you are going to cheat then have the guts to leave the marriage first.

And here we sit. 26 years later.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Do you really believe the physical part was only in 2019? Get checked for stds. Tell anyone and everyone you can think of about what your 'guilty' husband has been up to. Don't keep his secrets. Without consequences, you're setting yourself up for more of the same. The day he gets a job that doesn't involve travel will be the day you can have some hope that he might be reconciliation material.

Do not beg him! He has to beg you for another chance. And, remember this guy is a hypocrite and a liar. Actions over words.


----------



## Annemarie W (Nov 28, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Do you really believe the physical part was only in 2019? Get checked for stds. Tell anyone and everyone you can think of about what your 'guilty' husband has been up to. Don't keep his secrets. Without consequences, you're setting yourself up for more of the same. The day he gets a job that doesn't involve travel will be the day you can have some hope that he might be reconciliation material.
> 
> Do not beg him! He has to beg you for another chance. And, remember this guy is a hypocrite and a liar. Actions over words.


Honestly a part of me does but most of me does not. I believe he feels the guilt. I can see how it has been weighing on him since summer and I believe he is suffering a deep depression from all of this because again I can SEE it and I know it’s not a sham because I’ve suffered depression since childhood so I can tell it’s genuine. He started therapy for this about 3 months ago because he couldn’t deal with the guilt. I actually suspected for a long time. He thought he could hide it and never tell me but with me constantly asking him he FINALLY came clean on Friday. So this situation IS weighing on him. Good. 

I told him that despite the fact I love him and am willing to work it out … but I refuse to BEG anyone to love me or stay with me. If he wants to leave there’s the door. I was in a VERY abusive relationship prior to him for 6 years were I always found myself begging him to love me and stay (he too was a cheater) and so I told my husband that I don’t care How long we’ve been married or how much I want him to stay … I’ll be damned if I will beg.


----------



## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Annemarie W said:


> Honestly a part of me does but most of me does not. I believe he feels the guilt. I can see how it has been weighing on him since summer and I believe he is suffering a deep depression from all of this because again I can SEE it and I know it’s not a sham because I’ve suffered depression since childhood so I can tell it’s genuine. He started therapy for this about 3 months ago because he couldn’t deal with the guilt. I actually suspected for a long time. He thought he could hide it and never tell me but with me constantly asking him he FINALLY came clean on Friday. So this situation IS weighing on him. Good.
> 
> I told him that despite the fact I love him and am willing to work it out … but I refuse to BEG anyone to love me or stay with me. If he wants to leave there’s the door. I was in a VERY abusive relationship prior to him for 6 years were I always found myself begging him to love me and stay (he too was a cheater) and so I told my husband that I don’t care How long we’ve been married or how much I want him to stay … I’ll be damned if I will beg.


Is he willing to meet all your conditions in order for you to feel secure and guard himself against anymore affairs?
If you're willing to take him back, that's probably the main issue here.


----------



## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Annemarie W said:


> On Friday my suspicions were confirmed and my husband admitted to a physical affair in 2019 with colleague. I then found out last night that it was an ongoing emotional affair until he finally ended it in May 2021. He is so riddled with guilt (as he thought he could keep it from me forever) he finally came clean on Friday.
> 
> I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t concentrate on anything.
> 
> ...


Sorry about your situation. I'd like to offer some suggestions, feel free to use them or not. 
Maybe your husband is sorry for his actions, but I'm not so convinced. If a person were TRULY sorry, they'd be moving heaven and earth to try and make it work and prove themselves. Your H is NOT doing that at all, and YOU are giving HIM all of the say so and decision making rights. Why on earth are you doing that??? The ball is in your court honey, you call the shots. If he's push and pull, hot and cold and giving mixed signals, I think you have your answer. I think it's hard to face that, and even harder to take the necessary next steps. I think if you even suggest that you're out the door, he'd be groveling at your knees. It's good that you're in counseling, but is HE? I'm sorry if you mentioned it and I didn't read correctly, but I don't see it. 

I am glad you told him you'll be lawyering up and making the decision for him...you should have made the decision for him as soon as you found out. 

Again, I'm sorry for you and I cannot imagine this is easy, but no one deserves to receive mixed signals, when H clearly effed up.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Annemarie W said:


> Honestly a part of me does but most of me does not. I believe he feels the guilt. I can see how it has been weighing on him since summer and I believe he is suffering a deep depression from all of this because again I can SEE it and I know it’s not a sham because I’ve suffered depression since childhood so I can tell it’s genuine. He started therapy for this about 3 months ago because he couldn’t deal with the guilt. I actually suspected for a long time. He thought he could hide it and never tell me but with me constantly asking him he FINALLY came clean on Friday. So this situation IS weighing on him. Good.
> 
> I told him that despite the fact I love him and am willing to work it out … but I refuse to BEG anyone to love me or stay with me. If he wants to leave there’s the door. I was in a VERY abusive relationship prior to him for 6 years were I always found myself begging him to love me and stay (he too was a cheater) and so I told my husband that I don’t care How long we’ve been married or how much I want him to stay … I’ll be damned if I will beg.


Gently, he might be depressed because his paramour is no longer in the picture. He might be pining for her.


----------



## Annemarie W (Nov 28, 2021)

He left Saturday morning (he had to leave Monday for work and won’t be back until Wednesday) to ‘process’ all of this and think. He admitted he expected me to throw him out and wasn’t prepared for me to want to work it out. He keeps making comments about how he doesn’t deserve it or deserve me. How he WANTS me to ’punish him’ over all this. I guess to help him with his guilt. so basically he is off deciding if he wants to stay married.

here’s the kicker. I keep offering him divorce on a silver platter. Uncontested. I’ll take care of it all. Just say the word. He said it is over with her and even if we end it he will not resume it with her. I think it’s because she has small children. He always said he didn’t want to raise someone else’s children. But who knows. But I have been offering divorce since the summer. And his answer is always the same. An adamant I don’t want that. 

i have told him that if we divorce I am completely and utterly out of his life. I will essentially be nothing but a memory. Our children are adults now so no reason to ever lay eyes on him again. And honestly that’s how it would be. I can’t watch him go on with his life. I can’t. And I don’t think I could go on with mine. He is MY soulmate. So no. No contact. Ever. Period.

So prior to this coming out and since the summer he has been in the works of negotiating a job in Arkansas that would be a no travel job with the intension of coming off the road so we can work on us. He has been adamant about getting off the road. As recently as Friday after this came out I asked him … tell me. Now that I know about your ‘other life‘ on the road …. CAN you give all that up and come home to ME every night? And he said yes. He said he doesn’t want to travel anymore.

I gave him my list of ‘requirements’ from him (and in return told him what I’m willing to give/do in return) on Saturday night (1 am, via text). He said he needs time … he couldn’t make a rational decision where his head was. He has an appointment with his therapist today so I’m thinking he wants to talk to her. I don’t think my ‘requirements’ are unfair or undoable. So I’m not sure if he’s willing to meet all those requirements but I know he is willing to come off the road.


----------



## Annemarie W (Nov 28, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Gently, he might be depressed because his paramour is no longer in the picture. He might be pining for her.


Oh yes. He is definitely mounting the loss of the relationship. He admitted as much.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You still have three people in your marriage. I would suggest he move out and get his act together because you will not hold his hand through his mourning pains. How insulting.


----------



## Annemarie W (Nov 28, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> You still have three people in your marriage. I would suggest he move out and get his act together because you will not hold his hand through his mourning pains. How insulting.


I agree and I am hurt by that too. I told him he made a mocker out of me our family and all our marriage stands for. 

he honestly doesn’t need to ‘move out’ exactly because since he travels he can just stay out on the weekends instead of coming home.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Annemarie W said:


> I agree and I am hurt by that too. I told him he made a mocker out of me our family and all our marriage stands for.
> 
> he honestly doesn’t need to ‘move out’ exactly because since he travels he can just stay out on the weekends instead of coming home.


By not having him move out, you are enabling his wallowing. When he understands that he doesn't have that home base to fall back on he may come to realize the depth of his selfish behavior.


----------



## Annemarie W (Nov 28, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> By not having him move out, you are enabling his wallowing. When he understands that he doesn't have that home base to fall back on he may come to realize the depth of his selfish behavior.


Well…true. That is something to consider.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Serve him divorce papers. This will shock him to reality. Don't ask him. Don't wait for him to make up his mind. Don't allow him 'space'. He was off the whole weekend "deciding" or scoping out new prospects. Men often times won't leave a marriage until they have something else lined up. Many aren't suited to be 'alone'. They like their wife appliance to take care of the house and such.

You don't have to follow through with the divorce but it will bring it to the forefront. 

So the real question is do you really want to save the marriage? Do you think you can build trust? He'll still be traveling a lot. Do you have the ability to travel with him? Work from the hotel room occasionally. This will allow you two to spend time together and perhaps lessen the depression for you.

Don't let not knowing how to date stop you from leaving a person who isn't sure that you are it for them. You deserve a great marriage or a least a life on your own terms not waiting for a train that never comes.

Whether you file or not you should still see an attorney so you'll know what the process will look like and they can help you plan anything that needs planning.


----------



## Annemarie W (Nov 28, 2021)

I am calling the lawyer today. We decided that divorce is the option. I told my kids (adult girls) and they are upset but are my rock and support. I guess we will see what happens.

He said he isn't convinced that we will work out, he said, though he would try therapy. I told him that I wasn't asking him to be convinced. I asked him to be willing. Then he turns around and tells me that he isn't celebrating this. That this hurts him too. That it isn't easy for him. Whatever.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He may waffle back and forth on divorce. Weighing options. It’s not necessarily a straight shot to dissolving a marriage until the judge signs off. He never expected you to find out but now that you have he could be considering the possibility of freedom versus trying to work it out. There are often many ups and downs before the process is over — one way or the other. And, yes, find out where you stand legally. It helps to know that. Uncertainty can be scary — better to know.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Annemarie W said:


> That this hurts him too. That it isn't easy for him. Whatever.


I think I can hear the world's tiniest violin playing.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Annemarie W said:


> I hear that! I thought I knew my husband so well. You are so right.
> 
> The comical thing to me is from the night we met he was always adamant that married women and men should not be friends. Under any circumstances. I remember years and years ago (we were married maybe 5/6 years) I had a male coworker that I ran out and grabbed some lunch with and he was so angry … telling me I had no business going to lunch with him because I was married. i told him we both just took our lunch at the same time but he said it didn’t matter. I was married and had no business having a meal with some who’s not my husband. Funny.
> 
> ...


Words are easier to let pass their tongue, untasted (not owned).

He knows right from wrong.
He knew that some men are like this, because he is like this.
His inner demon owns his ear, and allays his own fear of being that cheater.

In his twisted world, _"Whats good for the Gander, is not for the Goose"_ (you).


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Why didn't he feel guilty in 2019 when the affair started? Or 2020? Why did it take until May of 2021 for the guilt to kick in? See my hand raised? It's because I know the answer. For three years he was enjoying his affair, no guilt there. So what happened in May that suddenly he needed to confess? Whatever it was my guess is suddenly he was afraid you were going to find out. Someone you know may have saw them together, maybe it caused issues at their job, maybe her husband found out, maybe one of them got an STD. Or maybe she got tired of him saying he would leave you and never doing it, so threatened to expose the relationship.

I will bet you a dollar something triggered his confession, and it wasn't a case of sudden guilt but more likely fear. Sadly you will never know the truth, and you will never ever be able to trust him again.


----------



## Annemarie W (Nov 28, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> I think I can hear the world's tiniest violin playing.


lol. I know. And I STILL feel like there is something he is leaving out of this whole equation. There is something he is holding back on. What? I have absolutely no clue. What is so weird is ... this is NOT my husband. He is not acting at all like himself. I'm so ... confused. Of course hurt, angry and confused as well, but ... after 25 years, okay, so lets just say 22 since apparently this STARTED in 2019, of acting one way, SUDDENLY it is like someone possessed him and he is a totally different person. I've told my close family about it and everyone is shocked. They just keep saying, that doesn't sound like Mark. That isn't like Mark. But Mark loves you so so much! You can see it on his face when he is with you. Well. Apparently he is a GREAT liar.


----------



## Annemarie W (Nov 28, 2021)

Openminded said:


> He may waffle back and forth on divorce. Weighing options. It’s not necessarily a straight shot to dissolving a marriage until the judge signs off. He never expected you to find out but now that you have he could be considering the possibility of freedom versus trying to work it out. There are often many ups and downs before the process is over — one way or the other. And, yes, find out where you stand legally. It helps to know that. Uncertainty can be scary — better to know.


Actually on the firms website that I decided to use they said that they encourage EVERY person approaching them for a divorce to try counseling ... first. They said they want to be sure that ALL feelings are dissolved and this is the route that both parties want to go. They have seen many many times people reconcile during the process as well as after it is finalized ... and it would save time and money on all ends if the couple is 100% sure that is not going to happen.

So I texted him and said,_ 'I want to try counseling. If it doesn't work I will grant you your divorce'._ He texted back that he is in therapy right now. LOL I would LOVE to be a fly on the wall of THIS session!

But we will see. If he comes back with a flat no, then its no. But if he says okay - well, then I just feel like I should TRY. And just see. Hell,_ I _may be the one that after a few sessions says 'I'm out'. But unless I give it one last try I will always be unsettled about it. And perhaps that would MAKE him open up and answer some questions he is not forthcoming with me on now.

I'll see what he says, I guess.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s not likely to tell you the complete truth. The majority of cheaters never do because it doesn’t benefit them (it’s almost always worse than they want to admit to).

No, I don’t think you’ll be the one to say you’re out. That’s not my impression of the situation anyway. Hopefully, he will make a decision — whatever it is — and stick to it. Living in limbo, and many end up doing that, is tough.


----------



## Annemarie W (Nov 28, 2021)

I know. I am a planner. Which I found out from therapy is a form of control, so essentially I am a control freak and I can not control him or this situation so it is driving me CRAZY. I want to to do therapy for ME. For closure. So even IF he says I'm out - I can say - I did EVERYTHING I possibly could to save this marriage. I do believe he feels remorseful. I have seen the guilt and depression on his face since May. But. The question is, what is the guilt actually ... for? He tells me he feels guilty becuase he developed these feelings for another woman. So he questions his feelings for me. But again, she is a fantasy. He doesn't have to deal w/bills, and kids, and house issues, and family issues, etc. with her. He gets all the good stuff and she gets all the good stuff from him. But me, I'm reality. I'm the work. I'm the daily stuff. The boring stuff. The hard stuff. And I think ... and yet he just can't figure out _why _he devolved feelings for this person? Well ... duh. Get into a REAL relationship with her and he'd see real quick that things aren't so rosy forever. And then he gives me the old line 'I love you but not in love with you'. Well once again a big, fat DUH. Of course not. You are on the road 5 days a week. Don't ever want to do anything on the weekends because you 'are tired from traveling all week' and during the week all I get are texts rarely calls. A good morning and a good night text. Or a 'can I take some cash out of the bank?' or 'Don't forget to call the plumber' texts. So tell me ... why is it such a SHOCK that he isn't 'in love' with me anymore. When he calls and texts and I'm assuming meets up with this other woman on a constant basis. Soooo easy to be in love when you are putting the effort in. Soooooo easy. UG!


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Cheaters are (obviously) in love with a fantasy. Few of those “relationships” work out because when stuff gets real — and boring — they discover it’s a whole new set of problems to deal with. Sometimes they start longing for the old spouse back but usually that ship has sailed. Maybe his therapy session today will give him clarity but many cheaters waffle for awhile so don’t be surprised at anything your husband does going forward. You don’t know the man he really is.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My exH always did everything right — on the surface. He traveled a lot but he never once missed his evening call home. Never. The shock when I discovered he had a whole other life was staggering. I literally had to keep repeating to myself it was true because I kept rejecting the idea. It just didn’t seem possible that the man I thought I knew so well could possibly do what he had done. But he did. If you do reconcile, and I think you will if he gives you any indication that he wants to, you will never again trust him completely and you shouldn’t now that you what he’s capable of. You will have to create a new marriage because he torched the old one. Some people find the process worth it. Some people don’t. You’ll have to decide what’s best for you — not best for him or best for your daughters but best for you.


----------



## Annemarie W (Nov 28, 2021)

Apparently! I’m just going to ride it out and go where it takes me, I suppose. My da actually went today and told her grandmother! His mom! She said she suspected it because Saturday he called her and said he was leaving and that he did something really bad. But wasn’t ready to talk about it. She tol my daughter that he will regret this decision. She said if he goes through with a divorce she knows he will regret it. But like you said by then that ship will have sailed.


----------



## Annemarie W (Nov 28, 2021)

Openminded said:


> My exH always did everything right — on the surface. He traveled a lot but he never once missed his evening call home. Never. The shock when I discovered he had a whole other life was staggering. I literally had to keep repeating to myself it was true because I kept rejecting the idea. It just didn’t seem possible that the man I thought I knew so well could possibly do what he had done. But he did. If you do reconcile, and I think you will if he gives you any indication that he wants to, you will never again trust him completely and you shouldn’t now that you what he’s capable of. You will have to create a new marriage because he torched the old one. Some people find the process worth it. Some people don’t. You’ll have to decide what’s best for you — not best for him or best for your daughters but best for you.


yes that sounds almost exactly like my situation. I feel blindsided. Although I suspected for awhile I always told myself I was crazy and he would never do that. And he did. I know I will never trust him entirely. His therapist told him once (about a month ago before I knew what this was REALLY all about) that if we wanted to move forward in our marriage then we have to take it down to the bare bones. And then rebuild it brick by brick and beam by beam. And that is the truth. But he WILL come to regret it if if goes through. Because I think he will actually realize what he gave up. But perhaps that is just wishful thinking. After all this is all still so fresh.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

This really shouldn't be about if he'll be happy or he'll regret it.

You have to think about you. Do you want it? How do you want it? You are open to rebuilding (you say) but what if he doesn't exactly want to do the work to rebuild? He just wants the status quo. He travels and you take care of the home and wait there with open arms but still no real emotional connection.

Being in a long term marriage is all about the familiar and acceptance. I have been with my husband for 28 years and we are very close. We have had many good years. So I get the allure of those years. The idea of having so much invested. The idea of change. The idea of how much work to tear it apart in a divorce.

What do YOU want. What are you willing to accept?

I'm sure you WANT a healthy happy marriage with the guy you are very familiar with and love. But you may not be offered that. I mean the words might be there but the actions. You should talk with your therapist about what you want, what that would look like for both of you.

He doesn't seem all that concerned about how you are doing just feeling guilty. Further he probably is worried about what everyone will say when they find out. How much time has he spent asking about your feelings, asking if you have any questions, answering those questions. Talking about how to move forward. 

Seems like he is mostly still thinking about if he wants this or not. Which means in reality he doesn't. He just is afraid of change and the financial impact that it will have. Most likely the other woman broke it off and now he's hurt and alone. He doesn't want to be alone or without sex or 1/2 of his assets so he offers to maybe stay.

That isn't a happy healthy marriage. You deserve better. Think about what you deserve and what that would look like, what actions need to happen. If he isn't willing to do those action then please give him a divorce.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I haven’t had a chance to read over the later posts, will catch up tomorrow, so forgive me if it’s been asked:

Did she dump him??

This could mean, she chose another man, stayed with her husband, started to dislike him and point blank dumped him.


----------



## Annemarie W (Nov 28, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> I haven’t had a chance to read over the later posts, will catch up tomorrow, so forgive me if it’s been asked:
> 
> Did she dump him??
> 
> This could mean, she chose another man, stayed with her husband, started to dislike him and point blank dumped him.


Actually had a LONG talk just last night … he said he left her but … I told him MY version of the story and he did not confirm or deny … which from him is confirmation. I said … she gave him an ultimatum to leave his wife, he said no, and she broke it off. She was his fantasy life, his escape, because he worked on the road and could do it. I was reality. He told me he never had any intention of leaving me for her and starting a relationship with her.


----------



## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Annemarie W said:


> Actually had a LONG talk just last night … he said he left her but … I told him MY version of the story and he did not confirm or deny … which from him is confirmation. I said … she gave him an ultimatum to leave his wife, he said no, and she broke it off. She was his fantasy life, his escape, because he worked on the road and could do it. I was reality. He told me he never had any intention of leaving me for her and starting a relationship with her.


Uh huh.  

It sounds like to me that she dumped him when it became real to her.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yeah, I’d bet 100% she dumped him when he wouldn’t commit. That happens all the time. Most men aren’t looking to break up their marriage, even if they do care about their AP beyond sex, because … lots of reasons. Has he made a decision yet about a divorce?


----------



## Annemarie W (Nov 28, 2021)

GC1234 said:


> Sorry about your situation. I'd like to offer some suggestions, feel free to use them or not.
> Maybe your husband is sorry for his actions, but I'm not so convinced. If a person were TRULY sorry, they'd be moving heaven and earth to try and make it work and prove themselves. Your H is NOT doing that at all, and YOU are giving HIM all of the say so and decision making rights. Why on earth are you doing that??? The ball is in your court honey, you call the shots. If he's push and pull, hot and cold and giving mixed signals, I think you have your answer. I think it's hard to face that, and even harder to take the necessary next steps. I think if you even suggest that you're out the door, he'd be groveling at your knees. It's good that you're in counseling, but is HE? I'm sorry if you mentioned it and I didn't read correctly, but I don't see it.
> 
> I am glad you told him you'll be lawyering up and making the decision for him...you should have made the decision for him as soon as you found out.
> ...


yes he has been in therapy now for several months.

we have made the decision to separate. he got a place on a month to month basis. im not in a hurry to end it, i’d still like to work things out but right now he is very lost and needs to work on himself (my words, not his). I think in time, being away he will realize what he has done even more & what he has to lose. both his kids (21 & 24) are very hurt and angry over this. neither will speak to him right now.

I honestly am content to let things be for now. the other night we spoke on the phone for 2 hours and i said all i need to say and am at peace. 

since im used to him being gone anyway, not much will really change in my day to day life. the only thing that will be weird will be the no contact. it isn’t like i have any one or anything to rush to … so we will see what happens, I suppose. right now im content to just let it lie, work on myself and do my best to make myself happy.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Annemarie W said:


> thank you. I appreciate your story. I know if we reconcile it will be a tough and long road. And I am willing to put the work in to try to make sure I can get past it. And I know I’ll never get past it 100%. I know there a couples that it strengthens their marriage and they’re a couples that it breaks it. I just don’t know what category we would fall in if we decided to reconcile.
> 
> The thing is is I feel almost like he is in love with a façade. he has feelings for a woman that he did not have to deal with things such as stress, money issues, family issues, a day-to-day daily lives that is mundane and boring… he got nothing but a high of a relationship but never experienced reality of it.
> 
> ...


It’s not yours to figure out. HE should be the one willing to DO ANYTHING to earn your trust back!
Yet there he is acting like he is the victim! HE ruined your life, your marriage and family!
Since he can’t decide - that means he is still stuck on his OW! Since he is t jumping at the chance to repair all the damage HE caused - YOU should divorce him! And tell everyone exactly what he did. His actions are exactly who he is!
You deserve better! Do counseling for yourself. You need strength and support and you’re not going to get it from him.


----------

