# Need some heartfelt words to help someone



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I'm currently in contact with a woman who is having sex outside her marriage. She says her husband is currently unemployed and actively looking for work. He apparently isn't interested in sex right now and she has a high sex drive. She said she talked to him but he said the stress on him right now is affecting his drive. They have no children currently.

She has been seeing another man she says strictly for sex while her husband cannot give her what she needs. Claims there is no emotional attachment, it's all physical. She admits that she feels guilty bu justifies it by saying she can't live without sex and it's better than leaving him. I've been trying to tell her that she WILL be caught eventually. I've been trying to explain the damage she is causing to herself right now and the pain she will be causing her husband when he finds out. She is most certainly in the fog.

I've seen some of the responses by former WS on here and they have oftentimes brought me to tears. Are there any words that I can convey that will make her wake up? I tried to encourage her to come to TAM and hear the responses she will receive but she declines. I don't know enough about her personal life to even consider letting her husband know even if I wanted to. I'm just really heartbroken that I can't seem to help her see reason.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Don't speak , she is to deep in the fog and she will or is emotionally invested in the OM . If you are afraid to tell her husband have enough respect to send him an anonymouse letter with enough details for him to fight for his marriage.

I personally would have no problem identifying myself , but your not me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No, you can't do anything to "wake her up." Just like you can't make anyone do anything. 

You already said your piece: to stop cheating, that it will get found out, that it's wrong what she's doing.

You could tell her you want no part in these conversations since you are against affairs.

Ultimately though, the only person who can wake up and make a decision as to stop cheating is her. Free will.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

You can't make people hear what they don't want to. If she is convinced what she is doing is justified we can shout at her all day long and it won't help - all she'll do is argue with us. 

Maybe print out or email her some of what you find poignant here and get it to her, but if she's got her head up her ass far enough she just won't be able to hear it.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

The OM she is having sex with has not commitment to be faithful to her so he could be having sex with other women besides her. Every time she has sex, she is playing Russian roulette with her health and that of her husband (when he finally wants to have sex with her). Even if the OM wears a condom, what about when both engage in oral sex?

It is one thing for her to risk her life but quite another to risk her husband's life. Ask her what is she going to do if her husband surprises her and wants to have sex with her before she has a chance to have herself tested for STDs? Is she going to ask him to wear a condom for the next couple of weeks or month? And what if the results of the test come back positive for an STD? What is she going to do then? How is she going to explain it to her husband?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Morituri - you're assuming she's the one cheater who's not totally self absorbed. We all know she'd just have sex with her H without thinking about what it could do him, physically or emotionally.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

To her:

Every step you takes to meet the OM for sex is a step deeper into a personal hell that you will have to deal with later. The deeper you go, the more pain and anguish you create for yourself and others. 

You say you love your husband, but have already loaded the gun, and you are now starting to take closer aim at him before you pull the trigger. 

Stop the affair. Pull the trigger of confession and hope that your aim will only wound him, and not kill him. Either way, expect a ricochet back at you. It's unavoidable. Give yourself a chance too.

Please make it a wound and not a fatal shot. The poor guy doesn't even know that you have him in your sights. If you love him, do this now. Not later when your aim gets better.


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

Beowulf - I would let the husband know about her affair.

I'm tired of hearing of people protecting other people while they are having affairs. The BS has the right to know what is going on asap.

Keeping hush hush all the time only protects the WS and damages the BS.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Morituri - you're assuming she's the one cheater who's not totally self absorbed. We all know she'd just have sex with her H without thinking about what it could do him, physically or emotionally.


That is very true but Beowulf is trying to help her by serving as a proxy conscience in the hope that she will wake up and stop. An exercise in futility? Maybe, maybe not.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Maybe it's best for her if she continues her affair and gets caught. It's already too late for her husband to not end up getting hurt no matter what. The damage is already done, it's just a matter of time for him to find out. 
You can't make people do things they don't want to do.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> Maybe it's best for her if she continues her affair and gets caught. It's already too late for her husband to not end up getting hurt no matter what. The damage is already done, it's just a matter of time for him to find out.
> You can't make people do things they don't want to do.


The problem is that her husband could end up being more than emotionally hurt and have his life and health compromised as well because of her infidelity.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

The prospect of giving her H an STD isn't going to snap her out of it. Remember all affair partners are perfect, her's couldn't possibly have an STD so there's no problem... Gotta love the fog.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> The prospect of giving her H an STD isn't going to snap her out of it. Remember all affair partners are perfect, her's couldn't possibly have an STD so there's no problem... Gotta love the fog.


True but if she gets infected and passes it to her husband, she is going to be facing a world of hurt, not just for her husband but for herself as well. That is why Beowulf should stress that it is wishful thinking on her part that it can never happen.

I'm seeing that many wives who compartmentalize having sex with another man and being in love with their husbands, often end up having a mental breakdown and requiring hospitalization when the affair is discovered.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

morituri said:


> The problem is that her husband could end up being more than emotionally hurt and have his life and health compromised as well because of her infidelity.


Absolutely! But there is no option left for him to not get hurt anymore. She already cheated. The only thing she could still spare him is giving him STD or AIDS. Does she care enough to not jump back in his bed mindlessly after he finds a new job?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Agreed. The damage is done.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

confused55 said:


> Beowulf - I would let the husband know about her affair.
> 
> I'm tired of hearing of people protecting other people while they are having affairs. The BS has the right to know what is going on asap.
> 
> Keeping hush hush all the time only protects the WS and damages the BS.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I wish some one had told me.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Compartmentalization and having a breakdown isn't just restricted to women. I was popping ambien like they were tic tacs during my EA and my AP was doing the same with the occasional Xanex for good measure.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I can't let her H know because I don't know him personally and have no way to contact him even if I wanted to. I could probably find out but not without opening some doors that I really don't want to open as it will leave me vulnerable to recrimination and/or retaliation.

I've known her for a little while and she seems like a genuinely nice person. To be honest I was somewhat shocked when she told me about this. I'm also not going to continue to talk to her after this one last time because I do not condone what she is doing and don't want to allow myself to be used to unburden her conscience.

I've talked to her about STD's when she said she was using condoms. She says understands they aren't 100% and she could be putting herself and her husband at risk. She seems to feel the risk is worth it since she thinks this action is somehow saving her marriage. Go figure!

I know everyone is saying that there is no way to get through to her and logically I agree. But I want to give it one more shot in the off chance I can say something to her that will register. I know in my marriage the fact that my wife ended her affair on her own was a huge factor in allowing us to reconcile. If I had found out about it while it was still ongoing I doubt I would have stayed with her. I'm just trying to give this woman the same chance that my wife and I had.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Beowulf said:


> I can't let her H know because I don't know him personally and have no way to contact him even if I wanted to. I could probably find out but not without opening some doors that I really don't want to open as it will leave me vulnerable to recrimination and/or retaliation.
> 
> I've known her for a little while and she seems like a genuinely nice person. To be honest I was somewhat shocked when she told me about this. I'm also not going to continue to talk to her after this one last time because I do not condone what she is doing and don't want to allow myself to be used to unburden her conscience.
> 
> ...


Are you the OM?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Modified from "Life of Brian":

"I'm the OM, and so is my wife!"


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> I'm also not going to continue to talk to her after this one last time because I do not condone what she is doing and don't want to allow myself to be used to unburden her conscience.


Don't be surprised if she seeks you out. If she does then convey to her that you were once in her husband's shoes and that her presence is a painful reminder of that time.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> I can't let her H know because I don't know him personally and have no way to contact him even if I wanted to. I could probably find out but not without opening some doors that I really don't want to open as it will leave me vulnerable to recrimination and/or retaliation.
> 
> I've known her for a little while and she seems like a genuinely nice person. To be honest I was somewhat shocked when she told me about this. I'm also not going to continue to talk to her after this one last time because I do not condone what she is doing and don't want to allow myself to be used to unburden her conscience.
> 
> ...


Really, that's the excuse for not telling the husband...

I really wish someone had told me about mine stepping out on me. What possible retaliation could be so bad as to not tell someone who's not being given an informed choice to their health, emotional well being and life in general.

There is no excuse. You condone it by not telling the husband.



> All that is required for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> I know everyone is saying that there is no way to get through to her and logically I agree. But I want to give it one more shot in the off chance I can say something to her that will register.


Ok. But do so with zero expectations. 

Because in the end, people are going to do whatever they want, regardless of whatever advice/words you give them.

Free will.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Modified from "Life of Brian":
> 
> "I'm the OM, and so is my wife!"


Only the true messiah denies his own divinity!

Fine, then I am the messiah!

He is!! He is the messiah!!


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Give us a blessing!!!

Oh, F off!!!

How shall we F off O'Lord?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Send her this from Kben's thread:

I haven't been able to gather the strength to tell anyone this, so I hope that this site will provide some kind of catharsis for what I have been feeling. Sorry if this is too long.

I've known my Husband since we were children. I remember that he would sit alone in class and I was one of the few kids that would talk to him. So we were already very close before we started dating. I think that after I went through some bad relationships (I was young and stupid) I decided that I wanted a change. So I asked him and he accepted. I was his first girlfriend as he was very shy and I know that I liked to playfully tease him about that.

We dated for just over five years, all through college before we decided to get married. It was a very small wedding, just us and some close friends and family. I can safely say that it was the happiest day of my life though.

So the first fourteen years of our marriage were as normal as a marriage can get. Some ups and downs but nothing too bad compared to our friends. I was a stay-at-home mom raising our beautiful daughter, while my Husband worked as an engineer. When the recession hit, he ended up getting laid off. It wasn't the best environment to get another job, so we took a pretty big financial blow. In retrospect, I think that this is when the cracks in our marriage started to form.

2008 was a lucky year for us though. I managed to get a part-time desk job while my husband managed to pull some strings and get rehired. He had to work longer hours, and he got an unfortunate pay cut. So we were both becoming more distant throughout all of this.

At the beginning of 2009 my mother died. I fell into a very severe depression and I think that I grew resentful because my Husband spent so much time glued to his job and less time with his family. It's not an excuse. It's just how I felt. I guess that I had managed to convince myself that an affair would make him understand that the marriage would end at the rate it was going because my words weren't saying enough. So I started a two month affair with one of my co-workers. My Husband managed to catch a message that I had left on my work-computer while he was reformatting it. He got the rest when I confessed everything. We decided to keep it between us. I got over the co-worker surprisingly quickly. I knew what I was about to lose.

When I look back on it now, I know that when my Husband discovered my affair, he had changed in a way that I couldn't understand. It's one of those things that you don't really get at the time but something you realise much later.

So all of 2009 and early 2010 was a mess. We were basically the opposite of the happy couple we started as. But I think that around February of last year he started really building himself back up. Thinking about his future, and where he and I stood. He started spending more time with our daughter and making up for lost time.

During all this, I was working hard to regain his trust, and support him. Doing whatever I could to save what we had. I loved him despite my actions saying otherwise. I won't minimise my actions, but I was in a bad place in my life. And I did acknowledge that I had crossed a line that I couldn't go back on. Reconciliation was slow and difficult for both of us. We both had to swallow a lot of pride. I had to deal with a lot of guilt over my affair. Hurting him is not something that I was proud of.

In April, my Husband said that he needed some space, and that the decision on whether to divorce me, or continue with where we were going was too much pressure for him right now. So he left for a motel for a few days. He took his own life. 

For anyone who thinks of me as a monster, I want to say that the feelings that I have will stay with me for the rest of my life, and it's not something that I would wish on my worst enemy. Unless you have been there, feeling like you're responsible for the death of somebody that you love is indescribable. I don't think that I would be alive today if I didn't have a daughter to love.

I didn't post this for sympathy or pity. I just want to say that it isn't worth it. It isn't worth hurting somebody that you love.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

CantePe said:


> Really, that's the excuse for not telling the husband...
> 
> I really wish someone had told me about mine stepping out on me. What possible retaliation could be so bad as to not tell someone who's not being given an informed choice to their health, emotional well being and life in general.
> 
> There is no excuse. You condone it by not telling the husband.



It is NOT his responsibility to move heaven and earth and risk his own security just to satisfy your desire for him to tell the cheating wife's husband.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

CantePe said:


> Really, that's the excuse for not telling the husband...
> 
> I really wish someone had told me about mine stepping out on me. What possible retaliation could be so bad as to not tell someone who's not being given an informed choice to their health, emotional well being and life in general.
> 
> There is no excuse. You condone it by not telling the husband.


I can find out her information but doing so will require me to break the law. Admittedly the chances of being caught are slim but I would rather not risk it. Even if caught I probably wouldn't face jail time but I would lose my job at the very least. As much as I'd like to help this woman I'm not risking my job or my liberty to do so.

I am not the other OM. I love my wife too much to do to her what was done to me 20 years ago. I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone and I felt I got off easy considering she'd ended it before telling me. I "only" had to deal with the aftermath.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Send her this from Kben's thread:
> 
> I haven't been able to gather the strength to tell anyone this, so I hope that this site will provide some kind of catharsis for what I have been feeling. Sorry if this is too long.
> 
> ...


Thank you for posting this. I will share this with her.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Ok. But do so with zero expectations.
> 
> Because in the end, people are going to do whatever they want, regardless of whatever advice/words you give them.
> 
> Free will.


True, free will is a b*tch sometimes. I don't really expect anything I have to say to matter much but I'd be remiss if I didn't try.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> I can find out her information but doing so will require me to break the law. Admittedly the chances of being caught are slim but I would rather not risk it. Even if caught I probably wouldn't face jail time but I would lose my job at the very least. As much as I'd like to help this woman I'm not risking my job or my liberty to do so.
> 
> I am not the other OM. I love my wife too much to do to her what was done to me 20 years ago. I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone and I felt I got off easy considering she'd ended it before telling me. I "only" had to deal with the aftermath.


I misunderstood what you meant. OBVIOUSLY if it's illegal, will cost you your job and your freedom it's a no brainer there. I thought the situation was either online friend whom you had more detailed info about (and with this day and age, getting the email of a spouse from someone else's facebook is easy to be honest) or a face to face friend or coworker that you had more detailed info on that what you do have.

My apologies, if you can't access the info without breaking the law and such I can completely understand the fact that you hesitate to do so.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I think if she read that letter and continue with the affair then she is a total lost cause.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

CantePe said:


> I misunderstood what you meant. OBVIOUSLY if it's illegal, will cost you your job and your freedom it's a no brainer there. I thought the situation was either online friend whom you had more detailed info about (and with this day and age, getting the email of a spouse from someone else's facebook is easy to be honest) or a face to face friend or coworker that you had more detailed info on that what you do have.
> 
> My apologies, if you can't access the info without breaking the law and such I can completely understand the fact that you hesitate to do so.


No apologies necessary. I wasn't clear up front.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

bryanp said:


> I think if she read that letter and continue with the affair then she is a total lost cause.


I tend to agree with you bryan. In a strange way she wouldn't have confided in me if I wasn't posting here on TAM. When we were talking I mentioned some things and that is when she came clean. I thought initially her disclosure was her way of asking me for help but as we continued to speak I realized she was too foggy to really hear me. That's why I asked for some ideas of what to say because I was and I guess still am hopeful that she's reaching out.


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## Sindo (Oct 29, 2011)

Whenever people talk about the perils of cheating the first thing brought up is always the risk of being caught. But the damage caused by an affair is so much more than that. 

Concentrate on the other effects of an affair. The emotional distance created in her marriage, which is inevitable as she forms new connections with another man. The type of person she becomes to keep the affair going. The fact that her husband gave his heart to her and trusts her blindly, and she treats it like it means nothing. 

The more time she spends with the OM, the less time she has for her marriage. That means less time to build intimacy with her husband and provide the support he needs at this most difficult time.

Another point you may want to bring up is that this is like an addiction. The longer it goes on the harder it will be for her to stop. When her husband's situation improves, she likely won't quit. She'll find new reasons for continuing her affairs. I see her becoming a serial cheater.

I think I read in another post of yours that your wife came clean on her own. What's her take on this?


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Sindo said:


> Whenever people talk about the perils of cheating the first thing brought up is always the risk of being caught. But the damage caused by an affair is so much more than that.
> 
> Concentrate on the other effects of an affair. The emotional distance created in her marriage, which is inevitable as she forms new connections with another man. The type of person she becomes to keep the affair going. The fact that her husband gave his heart to her and trusts her blindly, and she treats it like it means nothing.
> 
> ...


My wife wrote a letter to this woman and told her how breaking free of the affair was one of the hardest things she has ever done. She literally felt addicted to the behavior and even though she wanted to stop she couldn't do it. Then one day as she was leaving to go meet him she stopped for a moment to watch me playing with our son. She had an epiphany and knew right then and there she had to find the strength to end it. She did and then came clean that night.

She also explained in the letter how the longer it went on the more and more guilt built up until it felt like she was choking on it. She couldn't sleep, couldn't eat and she felt like every breath would be her last. She said part of the reason she found it hard to end it was that the OM was the only other person who knew what was going on and she felt relieved to be able to talk to him about it. She also said the guilt fueled their passion when they were together. I didn't like to hear that but I needed to hear it.

She said when she told me and saw the look in my eyes she wished she had died. She said if she could travel back in time she would have killed her cheating self rather than allow it to happen. She said she has lived with that hole in her heart for 20 years and it's only filled when I hold her hand.

This was the essence of the letter she wrote to this woman. I know it made an emotional impact because her eyes teared up when she read it. But I don't know if it was enough. That's why I was hoping to get some ideas here. I was the clueless husband and while I had to deal with the aftermath I didn't have to endure the pain of the discovery of an ongoing affair. I wanted to bring that aspect of the story to her as well.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> I can find out her information but doing so will require me to break the law. Admittedly the chances of being caught are slim but I would rather not risk it.


I wouldn't break the law either. There are many ways to track down a spouse which are legal but which may cost a little bit of $. Lots of websites will give home addresses and the names of everyone living there. There are car registration records by license plate number, so if the car she drives is registered in her husband's name (or co-registered in his name) you can find his name that way.

I bet for way less than $100 you could find his name and address. Maybe even for free or for a $2 fee.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> My wife wrote a letter to this woman and told her how breaking free of the affair was one of the hardest things she has ever done. She literally felt addicted to the behavior and even though she wanted to stop she couldn't do it. Then one day as she was leaving to go meet him she stopped for a moment to watch me playing with our son. She had an epiphany and knew right then and there she had to find the strength to end it. She did and then came clean that night.
> 
> She also explained in the letter how the longer it went on the more and more guilt built up until it felt like she was choking on it. She couldn't sleep, couldn't eat and she felt like every breath would be her last. She said part of the reason she found it hard to end it was that the OM was the only other person who knew what was going on and she felt relieved to be able to talk to him about it. She also said the guilt fueled their passion when they were together. I didn't like to hear that but I needed to hear it.
> 
> ...


Well done Mr and Mrs Beowulf.

I truly hope that this woman reads your wife's letter many times over and finally chooses to end her affair once and for all.


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## oldmittens (Dec 2, 2011)

What happened after with this women did she end the affair.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Beowulf,

She should have got counseling for her husband rather than seeking sex outside.

She is now tainted. Moral compass is off.

Ask her to fess up.

AU


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I should have updated this thread. Sorry.

After I gave her my wife's letter I waited a few days before I talked to her again. Although she said she knew what she was doing was wrong I got the feeling that she was not going to stop her affair. I told her that I had said all I was going to say and that until she ended her affair I didn't feel comfortable being around her anymore. That was the last time we spoke.

I understand from a mutual acquaintance that her husband did find out about her affair and since he was unemployed he decided to move back to where his family lives. They are separated and in the process of getting a divorce. I also understand she went to the OM after this all happened but predictably he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. I hear she is alone and not doing well. I've thought about reaching out to help her a couple of times but decided against it. The temptation to say I told you so would be too great and now that she is vulnerable and alone I don't want her becoming attached to me.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> I should have updated this thread. Sorry.
> 
> After I gave her my wife's letter I waited a few days before I talked to her again. Although she said she knew what she was doing was wrong I got the feeling that she was not going to stop her affair. I told her that I had said all I was going to say and that until she ended her affair I didn't feel comfortable being around her anymore. That was the last time we spoke.
> 
> I understand from a mutual acquaintance that her husband did find out about her affair and since he was unemployed he decided to move back to where his family lives. They are separated and in the process of getting a divorce. I also understand she went to the OM after this all happened but predictably he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. I hear she is alone and not doing well. I've thought about reaching out to help her a couple of times but decided against it. The temptation to say I told you so would be too great and now that she is vulnerable and alone I don't want her becoming attached to me.


And the script plays it self out again. Very,very sad.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Beowulf said:


> I should have updated this thread. Sorry.
> 
> After I gave her my wife's letter I waited a few days before I talked to her again. Although she said she knew what she was doing was wrong I got the feeling that she was not going to stop her affair. I told her that I had said all I was going to say and that until she ended her affair I didn't feel comfortable being around her anymore. That was the last time we spoke.
> 
> I understand from a mutual acquaintance that her husband did find out about her affair and since he was unemployed he decided to move back to where his family lives. They are separated and in the process of getting a divorce. I also understand she went to the OM after this all happened but predictably he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. I hear she is alone and not doing well. I've thought about reaching out to help her a couple of times but decided against it. The temptation to say I told you so would be too great and now that she is vulnerable and alone I don't want her becoming attached to me.


Maybe Morrigan can contact, and encourage her? But yeah, you definitely don't want to counsel her anymore.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Most of the time they always play out like this. It is like watching a slow train wreck destroying everything in its path. You did the best you could to help her. What I will never understand is why the cheating spouse believes that automatically the betrayed spouse if and when they find out will forgive them and everything will be fine after a period of time. The opposite if of course true. The majority of time the betrayed spouse will leave and or never forgive. How can the cheating spouse not realize this?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

bryanp said:


> Most of the time they always play out like this. It is like watching a slow train wreck destroying everything in its path. You did the best you could to help her. What I will never understand is why the cheating spouse believes that automatically the betrayed spouse if and when they find out will forgive them and everything will be fine after a period of time. The opposite if of course true. The majority of time the betrayed spouse will leave and or never forgive. How can the cheating spouse not realize this?


Because the cheating spouse chooses to ignore that outcome in ordet to enjoy him/herself and when the affair is revealed, they are finally hit with the magnitude of their betrayal and go into panic mode to desperately save what they have destroyed.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

B,
So he is likely unable to perform now. And maybe permanently. And you are recommending what exactly:
- She accept being celibate open ended 
- She should leave him

Why are either of those alternatives superior to the current situation? 





Beowulf said:


> I'm currently in contact with a woman who is having sex outside her marriage. She says her husband is currently unemployed and actively looking for work. He apparently isn't interested in sex right now and she has a high sex drive. She said she talked to him but he said the stress on him right now is affecting his drive. They have no children currently.
> 
> She has been seeing another man she says strictly for sex while her husband cannot give her what she needs. Claims there is no emotional attachment, it's all physical. She admits that she feels guilty bu justifies it by saying she can't live without sex and it's better than leaving him. I've been trying to tell her that she WILL be caught eventually. I've been trying to explain the damage she is causing to herself right now and the pain she will be causing her husband when he finds out. She is most certainly in the fog.
> 
> I've seen some of the responses by former WS on here and they have oftentimes brought me to tears. Are there any words that I can convey that will make her wake up? I tried to encourage her to come to TAM and hear the responses she will receive but she declines. I don't know enough about her personal life to even consider letting her husband know even if I wanted to. I'm just really heartbroken that I can't seem to help her see reason.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> B,
> So he is likely unable to perform now. And maybe permanently. And you are recommending what exactly:
> - She accept being celibate open ended
> - She should leave him
> ...


I can sort of answer this one MEM, although just to be clear it is my personal opinion and nothing more. 

In a lifelong relationship people can and are unable to have sex for a variety of reasons ranging from temporary illness to permanent injury. Sometimes the ability will come back...sometimes it won't. But even if the flag won't go to the top of the flagpole, that doesn't mean that fingers are gone, tongues are dry, and there aren't items that could be used to produce pleasure! So a portion of the problem is thinking of sex as if it only involves a penis...and another portion is thinking of sex with my spouse as if it revolves around ME having an orgasm. Yeah--that is a net result--but on my end I am intimate physically because WE are intimate as a couple and I want to please HIM. 

Sooo...I wouldn't accept celibacy open-endedly either. Okay so the soldier doesn't salute. Accept that and move on to fingers, tongues and toys! Just be with each other how you can!

And I wouldn't leave someone only over sex either. If it was just a matter of erectile dysfunction, hey guess what? That happens to EVERY MALE as they age ... at some point. So I'm going to leave my dedicated 75yo husband after all those years of sharing life together because he can't penetrate me? No. That's silly and completely against the promise I made to him. 

Now...if other things were breaking down in the marriage, and there was NO physical intimacy or sex was used as a weapon or being withheld, well that's different! I would address those reasons that were causing the break down. In that case the sex is just secondary.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Thanks AC,

I'm of the belief that the sex slowed down considerably because there was a lot of tension in their relationship due to his unemployment. I feel she lost respect for him for not being gainfully employed but yet she also admitted that he was trying hard to find work. I truly think that she helped to create the sexual vacuum by pressuring him about his employment status and then about the sexual frequency. She then sought to fill that vacuum with another man. By the way, we aren't talking about years of celibacy here. Although she didn't get into specifics she admitted they still were having sex but just not as much in the last several months and not as much as she "required."


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Initfortheduration said:


> Maybe Morrigan can contact, and encourage her? But yeah, you definitely don't want to counsel her anymore.


No, Morrigan doesn't feel comfortable interacting with her at all. She said she was given more than enough help and support to break her out of her affair. What is it they say about ex smokers being the hardest on people who still light up?


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> B,
> So he is likely unable to perform now. And maybe permanently. And you are recommending what exactly:
> - She accept being celibate open ended
> - She should leave him
> ...


Are you saying that cheating is a superior alternative to the other two options? 

If so, I have serious concerns about your views on marriage.


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