# Can a new year bring peace for this adulteress?



## Picking_up_the_pieces (Dec 30, 2010)

2010 sucked! I had an affair with a man I work with. I confessed to my husband. We have gone through a lot of heartache and soul searching and resolved to improve our marriage, which I am very happy about.

Our relationship has never been perfect and we both have admitted our part in the problem, have sought counseling, and are dealing with the aftermath. 

The physical affair lasted for less than a couple of months and was divulged in early May. I am writing now because tomorrow is the last work day of 2010 and for some reason my stomach is in knots. Tomorrow is the last day of this year that I will have to see the man I had an affair with. When I return to work in 2011, I wish that all of the past could be erased and I would have no memory of what happened. I wish I could just forget.

I hate the pain I caused my husband. I hate the way I feel about myself. I hate that I had an affair and I just want to hole up and sleep until I forget it. Unfortunately I cannot do that. I have two small children and I feel like if I start to get too emotional then my husband will start to think something is wrong with our marriage...perhaps that I am not happy with him. The fact of the matter is that I'm not happy with myself.

Sure, our marriage is not perfect, but for the first time in years we are talking about the elephant in the middle of the room and trying to improve and we admit our shortcomings.

Can anyone give me hope that a new year will bring some peace? Not sure what I'm looking for, but just want to be able to tell someone how I'm feeling (besides my husband who I'd rather not constantly remind that I had an affair...he does that to himself enough).


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

Well, 2010 sucked for a lot of reason...pretty much for the same reasons as 2009 and 2008. 

I can't really speak to your relationship but I can speak to you being happy with yourself, basically, you gotta want it. You're married so there must be some good qualities about you. Find out what you like about yourself then focus and improve on those qualities while working on the things you don't like. Here's what you do, the next time you have a few minutes, make a list for both categories and go from there. Make sure that it's a list of what you think and no one else, that'll be another list all together. 

Hope I helped.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

It'll bring peace if you let it. Try not to dwell on the past, even if your H constantly brings it up. 
Look on your past as a lesson, and look to making 2011 a good year, and the year after that, etc.


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## Picking_up_the_pieces (Dec 30, 2010)

Thank you everyone!

You are right...2010 sucked for many of the same reasons as past years. I have a low self esteem compounded by the lack of communication and emotional (and sometimes physical) intimacy in my marriage. In 2010 I allowed another man to make me feel good instead of trying to fix things with myself and with my marriage. 

I guess I should be happy that my marriage is still together and that we are both willing to try to improve the ourselves and our relationship. 

I am pretty good at compartmentalizing (whether or not that is a good thing) and I think I could easily move on if it wasn't the fact that (1) I can see the pain I caused my husband and I know that he will never forget - and he shouldn't and (2) that I have to work with the man I had an affair with. 

I feel guilty for going to work, for talking to this person about anything (projects, weather, kids, whatever). I imagine how I would feel if I knew that my husband was interacting with his ex-lover 5 out of every 7 days. Makes me want to puke, but it is what it is. 

I have read things about partners forcing their spouses to quit their jobs after having an affair with a coworker. Impossible. I have a stable, long-term, professional job and in this economy it would be very stupid to give that up. My husband totally agrees. 

So, where do I go from here? Well, last night was obviously a tough night. I guess I can only take one day at a time. Think about the positives, and try to move on. I suppose I was just hoping that a magic wand could be waved and everyone could forget about the whole episode. That's how I work but unfortunately (for me, hehe) that is not how other people work.

I'm really trying to remember all of the positive things about myself. I appreciate all of the kindness and support.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

It's not impossible to find a new job - the more you see this OM - at work-IS NOT GOOD.

Your husband is an amazing man - but you're still trodding on him by continuing to see this guy at work. 

It's almost like catching your husband in bed with another woman and him saying - oh don't worry about this - it's just work! 

You say it's over but - how does your husband know for sure with you seeing this guy on a daily basis?

I'm not saying you quit now, jobs can be hard to come by and if you're financially strapped it wouldn't be wise to just quit anyway. But were it me - I would be looking to get the heck out of there, just knowing that your husband might be able to sleep better knowing you would not be seeing the OM everyday.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

At least you are here and looking for a way forward, so do not give up and have faith you will get through this as will your husband. 

The only practical advice I can offer is:

You leave your job or transfer to a new location, you must do everything to not see or hear or have contact with the OM ever again. There are always reasons not to change - is loosing your marriage a good enough reason, many fail in the recovery period due to the continued contact. 

Buy the following from say amazon or a similar site 

"His Needs Her Needs" and "Surviving an Affair" by Harley . it gives you a foundation to start from.

Amazon.com: Surviving an Affair (9780800717582): Willard F. Jr. Harley, Jennifer Harley Chalmers: Books

Amazon.com: His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage Fifteenth Anniversary Edition (9780800717889): Willard F. Harley Jr.: Books


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Get a new job as soon as you can.

It can take years to repair a marriage after you cheat.

A very good sign is that you feel like crap for having done this to your husband and to yourself.

Why? Because it means you know the right way to behave.

Eventually those feelings will fade as you focus on the good things in life.

Getting a new job will be key to that refocusing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Picking_up_the_pieces (Dec 30, 2010)

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate and respect your opinions.

I can tell you that I have been working with my boss to get a new opportunity in the company (without divulging the affair). I am hoping that it is coming soon. Once I am no longer in the same department I think all involved will feel better (me, him, our spouses). Our company is very large and there are many departments and buildings that I will likely not run into him very often. 

Best wishes to you in the new year. I know that I am working toward making 2011 much better than any past year.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Good for you, pieces, I myself was just about to suggest a transfer!


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