# Another “issues with sex and my wife” thread I am afraid to say.



## woofwoof (Jun 12, 2011)

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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

From the outside looking in, I would say you tell her you need sex X times per week or will be seeking a divorce in X months.

Marriage has to be a 50/50 thing. Seems like you are doing all of the giving and she is not. What are you getting out of the marriage?

-- You do more than 50% of the housework
-- You make most of the money

Your attitude that says you are willing to take the road to celibacy is shocking to me at the age of 29. Why would you feel this, when its clear she is not contributing. By the way, holding her accountable to contributing, and stopping allowing her to put up all these hoops are going to drive her attraction to you.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I would say she walks all over you.

I could not stay in a relationship without a lot of intimacy, physical and emotional. It is very important me.

She should care about your feelings and care that you feel rejected and upset about this.

This is harming your marriage. 

I would agree that you need to make it clear that you go to counseling and things absolutely must change or you will move on.

Also just as an aside, I hate being asked for sex. A lot of women like men who show a woman they really want sex RIGHT NOW!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

woofwoof said:


> Please understand that I love my wife, have never and will never cheat on her and I am willing to take the route into celibacy if needed just to make her happy but not without a bit of resistance first!


Reading your post is freaking heart breaking ! I can not stand when good men are used and abused like this, but you ALLOW it sooooo willingly (this makes me want to scream at you!), even claiming you love her so much -you would go celibate. Seriously, are you out of your freaking mind? NO women is worth this kind of pain! She is not even giving you anything to work with -refuses counseling, rejection at every turn. Blow her the hell off this princess pedestal you have her on. 

You know what , I think you would have an easier time catching her attention if you DID cheat on her!!! She might be aroused by the fact another woman wants you ! A little jealously from the wayward spouse can do wonders, never underestimate it's power. 

She well knows she has you wrapped so tightly around her finger, she herself can get away with literally anything -knowing you will be waiting for her like a faithful doting puppy dog. This is only OK behavior if she feels the same for you & shows you this every day of her life. It has to be mutual or you will continue to sink this ship deeper & deeper. You already feel like an unwanted, unloved Robot, a man laughed at, in the desert hungering & thirsting. 

Start demanding what a man needs from a woman & let her know you will walk because you value your own self and you own inner happiness, not resorting to live like this another day-eroding your self esteem to the ground. Does she enjoy your pain!? Sexual fullfillment in a marraige is a deal breaker to most--as it SHOULD BE !!!!! She is a prude or she is cheating behind your back, at the very least masterbating -while you suffer -while you WAIT for her crumbs. YOu would not even advise a male friend to be treated like this! 

You need to buy this book today & become a MAN who will no longer be taken advantage of! Do this for YOURSELF, when you become this man who feels he has the RIGHT to want what he wants , and will accept no less in a marraige, this will win her respect. Whether she stays with you or not, you will be prepared to move on to another woman who will give you what you deeply deserve. Amazon.com: No More Mr. Nice Guy! (9780762415335): Robert A. Glover: Books

Here is a list of NICE GUY Characteristics - Most guys have a few of these, but the headed for doormat status "NICE guys"- posses these in abundance . The book has more detail to each little item of coarse.



> Nice Guys are Givers
> 
> Nice Guys fix & Caretake
> 
> ...


There is problems with each one of those -the motivation behind the doing is the issue. What is happening is -- These men have been conditioned to believe that if they are "NICE" they will be loved, get their needs met and have a smooth life. 

Here is the "not-so nice" traits of Nice Guys ...



> Nice guys can be Dishonest, secretive, compartmentalized, manipulative, controlling, they give to get, passive aggressive, some are full of rage, additive, have difficulty setting boundaries, frequently isolated, often attracted to people & situations that need fixing, frequently have problems in intimate relationships, have issues with sexuality, usually only relatively successful .


Of coarse those are not true for every Nice guy, my husband fit 4 of those plus a few we considered halfs in his case. 

Good book, it will make many things clear to you to help you on your way to 1st - Win her *RESPECT* & this should lead to sexual attraction. You are lacking both of these in your marriage right now .


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Women who demand you unravel the mystery that is her, even if, particularly if, she herself doesn't get it, all for the prize of being rejected 99% of the (time) all the same, I can only say "no, thank you". I tried all that accommodation for years and years and it is a waste of time. But guess what, so is everything else too. She doesn't want you to figure her out. She's just a high maintenance shrew.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Your story was so hard to read. 

Some ideas. She has always been rather sexless. Don't expect to go from what has always been 1 a month to every other day overnight (if ever).

*Do not ask for sex.
*If you have already talked about your needs do not talk about it anymore
*Do not ever let her tease you again without it ending in a sexual encounter. She is testing you.

*When you initiate sex DO try the following: chase her, wrestle/tickle her, maul/nuzzle her neck, pounce on her, pin her down to kiss her...Get her excited, get her juices flowing. Growl at her, tell her what you want her to do.

*Consider that "no" might simply mean "I'm not turned on yet"

*Do not wait for so long between encounters. I would say initiate a sexual encounter 3 times a week.

*Stop being so gentle during sex (I'm assuming you are a very giving and gentle lover). Make your skin slap against hers. Thrust faster and deeper. 


Really pay attention to how she responds to you. You will know the difference between what works and what doesn't by her response. Your goal is to get her to giggle, laugh, moan, grunt, clutch at you, grab you, wrap her legs around you, pant, talk dirty, make animal sounds, etc. If she is just lying there "letting" you do your thing it means she is not turned on.


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## dannyboyk (Jun 12, 2011)

You have made the fatal mistake of marrying this ho. She has a lock on your resources now.

She goes to the gym and improves her appearance so she can meet men on the side. Make no mistake, her NEEDS are just as real as yours. They are being met.

You were dumb and will now pay the consequences. Please warn young men in your family not to marry. This is the only outcome. Look around this site and you shall see that you are not anything unusual.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She knows you're dying inside and this souless, heartless, frigid, waste of skin thinks it's cute to undress and tease you for no purpose other than to add to your torture? I don't marvel that there are evil beings in this world. I do wonder why you are content to put up with it.


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## dannyboyk (Jun 12, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> She knows you're dying inside and this souless, heartless, frigid, waste of skin thinks it's cute to undress and tease you for no purpose other than to add to your torture? I don't marvel that there are evil beings in this world. I do wonder why you are content to put up with it.


I have lots of female friends and they have clued me in on the scam.

Note how she was married to him for one year? In my state (and most others) that means that the judge is legally required to split the debt.

Many of the girls I know had the 1 year marriage out of college and grad school, by which the cut their student loan debt in half, automatically. They had their new husband go into debt too, buying them cars and a house and vacations and such, which they generally keep more than half of.

Note also how the woman "coincidentally" started leaving very early in the morning to gym, and suddenly doesn't want sex any more?

She is on the market again.

All this is a universal scam. Guys tend to be clueless and easily fooled by a woman who sweetly tells him "I'm not like that" etc.

Such is life. Thank god I am not married, and know the score.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Woof I have to echo the previous posters and confirm that your situation is difficult to hear about. Glad you decided to post. 

I think you should seek therapy even if your wife does not want to join you. Is it possible for you to post in the Mens Clibhouse section?. I suggest that because it may catch the eye of some of the men who hang out there who may be able to suggest ways for you to handle yourself more effectively. Or you can PM the members MEM, Big BadWolf, or Conrad. 

Your marriage now is painful for you and deeply troubling. Your wife seems to have problems but I can't figure out what they are. You are being extremely understanding which is a natural reaction for a loving man for a short period of time. However, the length of time this has gone on, your wife teasing seems rather cruel. Your anger is normal, she seems to be baiting you and enjoying watching you dance on a string. Don't do it. 

Right now you are giving control of you to your wife. It is time to take it back. You can't control her but you can control you. 

While you are figuring how to handle this by reading and interacting with the other members, dial way back on your attention and reactivity to her. Treat her nicely and politely but be standoffish, cool. Don't ask her about her day or be available to listen to her and stop discussing the relationship. This is not a bad thing to do - right now you are meeting all of her needs and she is not meeting yours. 

You have to learn to give as much as you get. In this situation, generosity may be misconstrued as weakness. Go out every evening, even if you just take a walk around the block, get in shape, dress like you are dating and wear cologne. If she ask about the changes be vague and mysterious. 

I wanted to ask if you are certain she is not having an EA or PA. do some checking there are some red flags. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

BTW - don't be a fool. You may love her but do not contemplate a sexless marrige. You will deeply regrete it and after waiting a yr or 2 you will hate her. Besides you are being so very self-sacrificing no adult is worth that. She is not a saint so don't sacrifice you happiness for her. Love is not enough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## woofwoof (Jun 12, 2011)

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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Runs like Dog said:


> Women who demand you unravel the mystery that is her, even if, particularly if, she herself doesn't get it, all for the prize of being rejected 99% of the (time) all the same, I can only say "no, thank you". I tried all that accommodation for years and years and it is a waste of time. But guess what, so is everything else too. She doesn't want you to figure her out. She's just a high maintenance shrew.


Bronze this and inscribe in on a plaque!

Install it where you will see it every day until you can move on.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

michzz said:


> Bronze this and inscribe in on a plaque!
> 
> Install it where you will see it every day until you can move on.



When the moon and stars align and supper was good and you didn't blink when you looked at me and I had a good day, traffic was smooth, and I didn't fart... Like come on - these are just excuses and you could be perfect and it still wouldn't happen. I'm postpartum right now. I'm breastfeeding, not much natural lubrication and really stressed running a household with infant, toddler and teenagers. My husband works night shift 5 out of 10 days and we are in marriage crisis fighting like crazy while I am setting boundaries I should have set long ago and WE have sex way more than you! She's not trying and I'm sure if you reflect, not trying isn't just sex. You may want to explore an anulment if what the poster said about using you for debt is true.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I have an idea that'll actually work! Tell her exactly what you need. Pick a date in the future but do not reveal that date to her. Commit to yourself that you will bail if things haven't significantly improved upon that date. Her promise was made years ago. If she clearly knows and cares about the pain she is causing you, she will adjust fire. If there is something she needs from you to help her adjust fire, she will clearly let you know. If she makes little or no effort, she's useless to you and the sooner she hits the bricks the better.


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## fredless (Jun 12, 2011)

It appears that you very much want to work on/save your marriage.

Go here:

Married Man Sex Life

Explore the blog and buy his book.

Make the necessary changes in yourself. If after implementing all the changes that Athol recommends, one of two things will take place:

Your marriage will significantly improve as will your sexual relationship with your wife.

Or, it will be time for you to leave your marriage.

In either event, you will have improved yourself.


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## e.p. (Jun 10, 2011)

I second reading Married Man Sex Life (MMSL).

Just based on what you have given us, I can make a few suggestions/comments:

1. You probably have excellent beta traits, and you probably need to work on your alpha traits. MMSL will help with this.

2. Working out and lacking sex drive does not really go hand-in-hand. In general adding exercise will tire you in the short term but actually gives you more energy and a better hormone profile overall.

3. She seems aware of her sexuality but yet doesn't want sex (from you). Have you tried pursuing it harder? I'm not saying "don' take no for an answer" or rape, but have you tried stalking her? Doing little things throughout the day to try and set the mood? Wine-and-dine her? 

I wish you luck.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

If you have the means, hire a PI to catch her cheating , so when you divorce, you won't loose half of what you own in court to her. Signs of Spousal infidelity listed within this link
The Cheating Spouse and Infidelity Private Investigator - A.S.G. Surveillance Experts

You need to protect yourself, and your future. She does sound like a user who snagged a nice guy & will take him for all she can get.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

If she is a perfectionist, she most likely also has issues with control. They go hand in hand. Some of the replies to this thread are overly critical and assume your wife is evil and out to get you. Most people are not like this. Most people are doing the best they can.

Having said that, you and your wife need therapy. I don't see this situation changing until you each work on your issues. Maybe your wife is insecure about her body. Maybe she doesn't know how to be sexual or doesn't know how to maintain attraction with someone who is good to her. Maybe she is afraid of commitment and uses the lack of sex as a way to keep distance in the relationship so she won't feel overwhelmed. Until you guys get therapy, you won't know. 

I would tell her that you have serious concerns about the marriage and that you insist that you get couples counseling. I think your wife needs her own therapy, but she might be more likely to agree to couples counseling first and maybe down the road she could get individual counseling.

You have to nip this in the bud because something is seriously wrong in this relationship and you need professional help to guide you through this. If your wife is not willing, you have to make some tough choices. But life is too short to live like this. And whatever you do, don't have kids with her until this is fixed! In the end, if she doesn't agree to counseling, go on your own to try to figure out why you gravitated to someone who doesn't seem ready or willing to give you much.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

turn the temp way way down, do your own thing, stop doing all the stuff you do that she sees as a benefit. find some female friends, be more mysterious. if she has decided to stray, its over anyway.

i am not into the "you must work harder" thing to coerce a non participating spouse to intimacy. she knows all to well that she is in control in that department, the flashing her boobs then walking away thing would break the deal for me.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

It's fairly simple.

She does have an intact sex drive, but she's just not that attracted to you.

She has met someone that she is attracted to, and the fitness kick is about pulling his interest.

The first step would be to keylogger her computer, check phone records, check credit card records etc.

My book would help you as well as two prior posters were kind enough to point out.

You need to move very very quickly though. She is quite interested in him.


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

To be brutually honest, from the outside looking in, I believe your wife is having relationships outside of yours. I've been in your situation before, and sure enough, that was the problem. There are several clues. First and most important is the fact that you feel like she is cheating on you. Never ignore your intuition, as it will more than likely be correct. Second is her need to go to the gym suddenly. It sounds as if she's going to the gym to not only feel good about herself, but someone else as well, and you are not that someone else. The amount of teasing without follow up is a clear indicator of that. If she is unwilling to talk about your concerns, and she gets mad at you when you try, she is obviously not interested in making you happy. I think it's time to call your relationship quits. Like I said, I've been there before, and it's astonshing what you will find out if you start looking into things much closer without an attitude of "she'll never cheat on me."


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## woofwoof (Jun 12, 2011)

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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Woof have you read any of the books, contacted members or visited the web sites suggested? If not then you have to accept that you are getting something out of this type of abusive relationship. I leave that for you to explore. Several posters have gone through the trouble of offering very good advice but, from your post, you are not persueing any action vigorously. She sounds like a cruel person and she knows that she is abusing you. 

At this point I think you are justified in asking for a separation ask her to leave since she does not want to be a wife. What ever you do don't have children with her. I hope you get off of the floor and stand tall like the strong man that you are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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