# I rejected him now he's mad at me. please help.



## Wanabehappy (Nov 14, 2011)

My boyfriend and I have a daughter of 8 months, adorable as she is she doesnt sleep much and it's causing a strain on our relationship. We dont have sex often as I am always knackered. I do fancy him and dont want to loose him but I rejected him and now he's angry, disappointed and frustrated with me. 

What happened was over the weekend we got an evening away from our DD. We had a fab evening - it was getting late and things were fine until it was leading up to us getting it on. As it had been a while since we had had sex and I was on my monthly he asked to do something else. Usually I dont have a problem however I was worried about getting back to breast feed our DD in time and ended up rejecting him.

We have spoken briefly about this and I have apologized stating I want to make it up to him however he is just so angry and disappointed. I dont know how to turn this around - we are supposed to be moving in and starting a new life together it feels like I am just wrecking his feelings.

Can you please give me some advice.

Thanks.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Um, you apologized??? Why?? Sounds to me like you didn't do anything wrong! Unless you have a pattern of repeatedly turning him down, he should be able to handle it ONCE with a lot more understanding than he did!


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## Wanabehappy (Nov 14, 2011)

No I have never rejected him before, our sex life has been good, just scarce! So is it a physical thing with men for instance no sex = frustration = anger?? 

I apologized because I felt bad. When we spoke he added other stuff to the equation that I've changed since having our baby. I'm finding it hard to keep a relationship going and cope with a baby.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I would agree... The response indicates something much more than a single rejection. What's the rest of the story? From both him and you; I'm not blaming you at all,

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Maybe he just really had his hopes up and was fantasizing about it all week, etc and he was just really disappointed.

Not saying he's right to behave this way, but...maybe he's just super let down.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

Yeah people tend to change after a baby. Its called becoming a parent and i feel for most women their priority shifts toward the child. Happened with me. But my husband never acted that way toward me. 

What does good but scarce equal? Like 1x week, every few days what? Maybe you two should sit down and talk about it. Yes you have a baby now but if you want the relationship to work both of you need to understand each other and what role sex plays for the other. If he finds it more important than you and he isn't getting enough than he will feel neglected. Not saying how he acted was right there certainly are better ways to communicate his needs/desires than getting mad like a 16 yr old who was told no not tonight.

Maybe you can set a dedicated date night each week for just the two of you? This helped relieve some of the stress for me and my husband and allowed us to basically reconnect after having our daughter and focus attention on each other and not solely on our child


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

Or maybe he took advice from here, to give you a break from the baby, to make a date night, to spend time with you and romance you... maybe he did all that, and you had time for all that, but at the end of the night for which he had been looking forward to - you suddenly didn't have time and went back to mommy mode. Maybe he was understanding of you being tired and a baby making it more difficult so he tried to give you a break and remove you from that scene only to find out that even then.... you still weren't interested.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Well, it can be a physical thing for men OR women...frustration at not-quite-reaching-climax or something. But TALK about it. He shouldn't just be pouting - what is he, 12? Refusing to talk about it is just going to make the problem worse.

It sounds like the two of you don't live together - does he ever have to deal with the baby all alone, all night? Maybe he really has no clue what's involved.


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## Wanabehappy (Nov 14, 2011)

We've been together for 3 years and to start all was fine. We've had a few trust issue crop up mainly him not trusting me because I havent called or done what I said I was going to do. I havent cheated on him and have no desire to. Trust for him is a big thing (and for me). He keeps saying I've changed and I agree, since having our Daughter I am stressed out and deprived of sleep (she doesnt sleep through the nite). I no longer do the things I used to in our relationship like look nice for him, cook, spend time chilling together. He also stated that in rejecting him it has made him think all sorts but he hasnt said what. 

Our living situation makes it hard as we are currently in separate homes. I feel like a single mother and must deal with our DD all by myself. We are moving at the end of this week and instead of feeling happy I am apprehensive.

At the moment he's very cold toward me when we speak. He says he's fed up of me using the baby as an excuse for everything.


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## Wanabehappy (Nov 14, 2011)

To square1 - It's currently about once a month we get the opportunity. I agree a date nite would be fab as I miss the attention and I also want to be able to reconnect and make him feel loved too. At the moment his needs are greater than mine. I am in mummy mode more often than not and I find it hard to 'switch' it on and off. 

I think when we live together he's going to see how hard it is to deal with babies. It will either make or break us.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Wanabehappy said:


> To square1 - It's currently about once a month we get the opportunity. I agree a date nite would be fab as I miss the attention and I also want to be able to reconnect and make him feel loved too. At the moment his needs are greater than mine. I am in mummy mode more often than not and I find it hard to 'switch' it on and off.
> 
> I think when we live together he's going to see how hard it is to deal with babies. It will either make or break us.


I suspect that he views this rejection as the latest in a string of them. Consider that he may be interpreting your signals (being tired, complaining about the baby not sleeping, etc.) as signs of rejection. He gets time with you alone, and to him, it is just another rejection but this time explicit.

Him not talking about it and refusing to address it is a problem. Has he raised this issue before? Has he complained about sex only once a month?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Wanabehappy said:


> I think when we live together he's going to see how hard it is to deal with babies. It will either make or break us.


Why wait till then? He should be spending nights with the baby NOW. Why isn't he? And what DOES he do with/for the baby??



Wanabehappy said:


> At the moment he's very cold toward me when we speak. He says he's fed up of me using the baby as an excuse for everything.


WHOA!!!! Huge red flag!! :wtf:


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

And yeah, once a month is NOT enough. You guys need to talk about this BEFORE you move in together or it's going to get WORSE, not better.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Wanabehappy said:


> At the moment he's very cold toward me when we speak. He says he's fed up of me using the baby as an excuse for everything.


So he is communicating with you. The question for you is whether there is any truth to this? Where it is true, you need to admit it and figure out where you need to change. Where it is not true, you need to stand your ground and explain why what you are doing needs to be done.

Having a kid is huge adjustment for both of you. It is very easy to focus on the new child and neglect other things. Be careful of this as you move in with him to form your family.


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## Wanabehappy (Nov 14, 2011)

Thank you for all your replies. I guess the key is comminication. 
We have spoken about situation of us not having sex for weeks and he has always joked about it but been understanding.
I know that he watches porn off the internet. This doesn't bother me as at least he isn't out cheating. 

Thinking about it I have focused heavily on the baby and my lack of sleep. He is a good dad and provides for his daughter however he is not too keen to come and spend nites at my house due to his work. (It an
v.early start). 

Baby is crying now, thank you for all your advice and posts. Will catch up when she's asleep. Xxxx
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

In a marriage, many of us (and I agree) say that you should put your spouse first, children second - but this is not a marriage. You live alone with a baby. You do need to put your child first. And yourself. He comes third. He wants the perks of being a husband but he isn't one, nor is he doing the work (getting up with the baby, etc.). 

I have very little sympathy for him in this situation. You are doing all the hard work of caring for a baby, and he is not. You say he is a good dad. Is he really? Being a good dad to a baby means that you are providing the baby's physical needs first and foremost (feeding, comforting, changing, bathing, etc). Playing with a baby on his schedule is NOT being a "good dad." It's not anything more special than being a normal person in proximity to a baby. 

You are getting ready to move in together. I think this will be a HUGE test for you guys, as you have said. Watch what he does. Does he take it upon himself to do the baby stuff (the feeding, the soothing, the changing) or at least picking up the slack on the non-baby stuff (the housework, the cooking, the shopping, the errands)? Or does he act like a single guy living with a single mom and a baby?

He sounds like a spoiled teenager to me. You turned him down ONE TIME and he caused a scene over it. I'm not impressed. Good luck to you, I hope the move is for the best, but be prepared that it may not be, and keep your options open.


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## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

I'm not sure he fully understands the changes a woman goes through after having a baby, particularly the first one. Aside from the obvious time the baby needs, there's the lack of sleep and HUGE hormonal changes that the body has to adjust from (as well as the healing from birth). Honestly, it sounds selfish to me for him to expect things to be as easy as they were pre-baby while he comes and goes when it's convenient for him. I do think you need to think through this and have a discussion with him before moving in together. I wish you the best.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Once a month. hes been understanding you said so yourself.

time to get your grove back. or risk losing it altogether.use it or lose it.I don't think it would be too hard for you to put some effort into having sex with your man a couple times a week.and that would big a huge increase from once a month. he will be happy and you will be happy because you know he some lovin from you instead of porn.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Wanabehappy said:


> So is it a physical thing with men for instance no sex = frustration = anger??


I'm not making excuses for bad behavior, but yes, sexual release is not simply an emotional need for men.

Congestive prostatitus can be extremely unpleasant (Like urinating broken glass) and it's casually linked to prostate cancer.

Most of us however, have the sense to relieve ourselves manually long before things get to that point.


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