# Husband always angry and treats me like a single parent



## mcl2014 (Feb 8, 2016)

I've just about had all I can take of my husbands behavior towards me and our son. Wondering if there's any hope for change or if I should divorce him now for the sanity of myself and my son. This is really long since I've been holding back all this time. Here is our story.

We have been together for 20 years, some off/on, married for almost 8. He is a 100% disabled veteran with PTSD. So he does not work(not an issue financially because of VA and SS benefits). I work from home. We struggled with fertility for 5 years before having our son via IVF. We had issues on both sides s those were some rough years emotionally since I was doing everything in my power to make it happen with lifestyle changes, treatments (which are all on the woman) while he would not even take supplements and cut back on drinking to help his side of things. He pretty much has drank every day we've been together except a couple of brief stretches where he tried to be sober. He uses it to self medicate instead of participating in VA counseling and taking the medications they give him. 

Since we've had our son, he does very little in terms of childcare, except for the few months I was still working in the office and he had to watch him during the day. After we moved to another state and I started working remotely, he pretty does nothing all day or leaves and won't take our son with him while I'm trying to work on the computer. So I'm not getting enough work done during business hours and end working late at night after baby goes to bed and on the weekends. 

I have about zero quality of life right now. And I worry about losing my job if I don't get enough work done as they weren't in love with the remote work idea initially but wanted to keep me as an employee after i moved. Who does he think is going to watch the baby if I have to go to work outside the home again? I have brought the idea of daycare many times if he doesn't want to watch the baby but he is too greedy and won't contribute to it financially and I can't /shouldn't have to pay for it alone. I have even suggested part time which is a little less expensive and he just shoots in down.

Additionally, he nevers offer to watch the baby so I can have any time to myself. He expects me to take him with me if want to go somewhere. He says it my "penance" for all the infertility crap "I" put him through. Because I wanted him to quit drinking or even cut back and take vitamins, he thinks I was torturing him. I know I nagged him about it but I was sticking dozens of long needles in my ass and he couldn't take a flipping vitamin? I have cut him a lot of slack letting him go off and do things on his own because of his PTSD and anxiety etc. but I get zero consideration in return. Why should I stay with him if he doesn't think I'm worthy of personal time?

Also, I want to have another baby and have wanted 2 all along and he doesn't want to even though he also agreed to 2 at one point. I'm certainly taking into account that now would not be the best time to bring another child into an already rocky marriage, but I just turned 41 and am running out of time. Its not something else I'm willing to let him take from me. We already tried again once in November and I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks. We have to do another fresh IVF cycle to try again because that was our last frozen embryo from last time. Also, my employer is dropping IVF benefits next year and we/I can't afford it without. I'm prepared to have another baby as a single parent if that's what needs to happen as it is something i feel very deeply in my heart. So I feel like now is the time to decide if my marriage can be saved.

My husband also is very angry all the time and blows his top about the most seemingly insignificant things. Punches the wall throws things, breaks things. A lot of it has to do with things not getting done around the house. Between working from home extra hours due to having to also care for my son during work hours, I just don't have it in me to do every last little chore around the house. My husband does the dishes once every week or two and wants a prize, but pretty much lays around the rest of the time watching TV and taking naps. We have 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms and 1600 sqft of hardwood and carpet that need cleaning and I just can't do it alone and if I have to, why should I even be married. I feel like I might as well be single if I have to do everything at least then I wouldn't have to listen to the constant anger and *****ing and I could my son in daycare because I'll have child support to help pay for it. Most of the time I tune him out and don't participate when he starts this ****, but it's really wearing on me.

I don't think counseling would work for us since he doesn't seem to think he does anything wrong. I also moved 1500 miles away from my family last year to make him happy and he still a miserable angry man.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

It sounds like he didn't want one child let alone two. He is a sperm donor at this point, not a father. I think you should stop thinking with your ovaries for a moment and start thinking about whether it's morally the right decision to have more children with someone who doesn't want them. This is about the children too. They will have to live in this situation too.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Was your husband angry like this before you had your child?

I agree that it sounds like he really did not want one child, much less two. 

What percentage of your joint income do you earn? Could you live on your income alone?

Does your husband contributefinancially to household & family? 

If you husband acting out with his anger, you son is going to learn that this is how a man acts. So he will grow up and behave the same way his father does. Is that really the example you want for your son?

From what you describe, I would not stay married. What's the point of being in a non-marriage?


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## TheMoon (Feb 3, 2016)

What does he bring to the table?
Can you live on your income? He won't contribute any of his ss money to daycare, what else does he not contribute to? How much is he spending on drinking?
Sounds like letting him go won't impact you all that much financially. Unless you have to pay him alimony. 

To be honest, this is not a functional relationship and he is not a functional adult. You are not raising your son in a functional environment. Why are you enabling this? Do you have self-esteem issues? 

(I was in a similar situation for a while and the reality is, I was the one allowing it to happen by not having the confidence to enforce boundaries, and expectations. )

I do think you should speak to a lawyer just to see what splitting would look like legally and financially. However, you should also do some reflecting on why you tolerate this situation and what you did to help create it. Then you can change your behavior. Unfortunately, if your h won't do counseling and medicates with booze, it is unlikely he will ever improve.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

I was diagnosed with PTSD after my nearly life ending heart attack back in 2008.
Same result. Angry, miserable person for years blowing up at every little thing. My wife basically told me that if I did not get help, she would leave.
I did get help and take 20mg of citalopram daily among other things. I have been under control for several years and it has made a WORLD of difference in our relationship.


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## tryingmybest111 (Feb 9, 2016)

Hi there, I just wanted to say that I totally understand what you are feeling because I feel like I am going through a similar thing sometimes. I know a lot of people are going to tell you that you are in a dysfunctional relationship, but you already know what your husband is like, and it seems like you are like me (my husband is similar) in regard to accepting it. It gets old, it gets real old. I also have a kid and I can understand wanting a second one. I know this is going to sound bad, but I think if you want a second kid, you should go for it. I have a lot of friends using sperm donors and IVF and trying so hard to get pregnant, if you already have an active sperm donor you know, especially married to and have an idea about, go for it. I understand that he is angry, but there are a lot of parents who are angry, and you can always divorce him later on if his @$$-holiness gets to you, and you will still have your two sweets.  A lot of people like to tell us how our relationships SHOULD be, and sometimes I feel like those people are deflecting from their own past experiences. YOU can do whatever you want. Everyone has their breaking point, and I haven't reached mine yet in my marriage, but I could see it happening. It's hard to give up full custody of your kid, it's hard to spend time away from your kid, and sometimes putting up with a difficult spouse is worth being able to be around your kids all the time. I don't care what anyone says. Another perspective coming from someone in a similar situation (me), is that if he is this angry of a person, if you do split up, and he gets half custody or what not, how will he treat your children when you aren't around? What kind of people will your children be exposed to without your children around and only your husband watching? I know in my experience it would be drunk middle-ages men watching over a little girl, NOT MY IDEAL SITUATION! At least if you are there, you can protect your child from their irresponsibility & abuse, something that is never talked about in our culture that promotes finding yourself and following your own selfish desires in order to be happy. Life isn't unicorns and rainbows, and sometimes the safety of our children is worth enduing the abuse of a hurtful spouse. But if you feel unsafe for your life and your children's life, there is no question to get out, no matter how much you feel you can "protect" them. much love, <3 <3 Amy


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Having another child with this man would be the most selfish thing you could possibly do. I cannot believe you stayed with him through the IVF with the way he was treating you! He was sending you a very clear message that he did not want to be a father. He sounds lazy, selfish and angry, none of which make for a good partner OR a good parent. Is this really the environment you want to raise your child in?? Put aside YOUR wants and focus on the well being of your child. I most definitely would not suggest you stay married to this man.


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