# Partners change of heart but I am pregnant



## imlost2989 (Dec 26, 2016)

Deleted to maintain anonymity


----------



## imlost2989 (Dec 26, 2016)

.....


----------



## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

I feel for you, but my advice is to take care of you and your children and leave this guy in the dust. You cannot make him care. If you don't, my story will be your story in a few years, if not before. You owe it to yourself and your children.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

The others will be along to offer sympathetic support and suggestions on going to counseling and how to take care of yourself and all that, so I'll leave that to them. 

I tend to see things much more systematically - so my post will be primarily utilitarian.

Unfortunately, you've done everything wrong.

*Everything*.

Your* first *order of business is to get a full panel of STD testing done *IMMEDIATELY*. This fool you keep chasing has ZERO respect for you and even *less* respect for his unborn child. He could have given you an STD that will put your baby's life in danger so get to the doctor NOW. It's extremely unfortunate that you didn't choose well at all from the prospective father gene pool, but this is who you're stuck with and this is now your reality.

Cheating on your pregnant wife or girlfriend is one of the absolute lowest acts a man can sink to - and having sex with you *after* having done that shows you EXACTLY how much respect he has for you and his unborn child. Only a complete piece of SH*T would put you and your unborn baby at risk like that.

Secondly, you need to stop begging him and crying and trying to 'nice' him back - because it's NOT going to work. Stop offering to go 'no contact' with him because you're hoping to elicit some kind of response out of him. All this disrespecting yourself by doing the "pick me" dance has gotten you is a possible STD for your trouble.

This selfish a*sshole has chosen to stick *you *with raising his child while *he* lives the life of a freakin' frat boy - with an expensive wardrobe. That'll change once you file for child support. 



> He let me walk out in the cold at 2 am rather than relinquish privacy to earn the trust back.


I'm sorry, but THIS is the POS you're trying so hard to win back.



> his triggered him ignoring me via texts and calls for the next few days. During this time he chose to attend his company's holiday party and cheated on me that night.


I'm sorry, but THIS is the POS you're trying so hard to win back.



> The next day I am told he wants space and hints at him being ok if i moved out.


I'm sorry, but THIS is the POS you're trying so hard to win back.



> I began to move me and my sons things alone at 7 months pregnant.


I'm sorry, but THIS is the POS you're trying so hard to win back.



> On Christmas eve after much begging and crying on my part we met up, this time my poor child missing his step dad was brought along for the visit. He did not buy him a gift...which i found almost hard to believe.


I'm sorry, but THIS is the POS you're trying so hard to win back.

I need to point out to you that he's *SHOWN YOU *who he is - over and over and over and over again. 

You need to believe him.

Look, it obviously wasn't your intention to raise this child alone, I get it. Unfortunately, that's your reality and believe it or not, you WILL do just fine.

But make NO mistake - he is *financially responsible* for this baby, regardless of a what a POS he is. If he wants to act the fool, you can't control that. But you CAN control his financial responsibility towards this child. And if you're smart, you'll do that *immediately *in your court's jurisdiction after your child's birth.

The courts don't give a rat's ass that he's a moral-less piece of crap. He's still responsible and they'll see to it that he IS made responsible. Do NOT use this as a gambling chip to try to win him back by being 'nice' and letting him off the hook for child support, either. Do what's right for your child.

It's time to take the gloves off and stand up for yourself because no one else is going to. 

I'mLost, there's nothing to 'figure out' about his behavior. The truth is, this is who he *IS*. When you peel all the layers of shared history away, THIS is who he is, and now you've seen it for yourself. He's just kept it hidden from you. People with *true *integrity and character don't let you down like this. They don't.

So you need to accept who he is and move forward and be the best person and mother you can be to your children.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> The others will be along to offer sympathetic support and suggestions on going to counseling and how to take care of yourself and all that, so I'll leave that to them.
> 
> I tend to see things much more systematically - so my post will be primarily utilitarian.
> 
> ...


You hit it out of the ballpark, SSGI. Absolutely fabulous post.


----------



## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

I can't begin to imagine the pain that you are feeling. As much as everyone will give you advice about how to proceed, take control of yourself and your emotions. He's causing you great pain and for whatever reason he doesn't care. He seems like the proverbial nerd who suddenly become noticeable by the cool kids and his nasty jerk personality has been awakened. 
Stop engaging him and get a lawyer. Protect yourself by not talking, seeing or texting him. He's shown you what an a**hole he is . If you have any male friends, allow them to help you out with moving, keeping your distance from this creep.
Take care of yourself and your unborn child by eating small meals, keep a water bottle filled with refreshing water to keep you hydrated. Surround yourself with people who want to take care of you like your parents. If the father of your other child is in the picture, allow him to care for him to give you respite. Good luck. 

Sent from my SM-N910T using Tapatalk


----------



## imlost2989 (Dec 26, 2016)

I will focus on them I will....


----------



## imlost2989 (Dec 26, 2016)

I reread this over and over and over and yes you are 100%. I do not want him back and while yes I am hurting I wish the coward would at least admit if there was someone else. I will get an STD panel tomorrow (pre natal appointment) this makes me sick and so ashamed of myself. I wish I could ask why? Just why? Why be so utterly cruel ?!


----------



## imlost2989 (Dec 26, 2016)

My ex husband has been rather understanding and will take over my eldest for the day. He knows I haven't rested in days and will take over for me. He too cannot believe this utter betrayal as he trusted this man 100% with his child. My things will be all moved out by Tuesday and I'll be living back at home with my mother for the time being. Everyone is trying to help me ...it's just hard when even I can't control my emotions about the situation.


----------



## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

imlost2989 said:


> TI told him I will go no contact with him as I am not a door mat but he didnt seem to care.


Don't threaten to go no contact, that's just weak, pathetic and accomplishes nothing.

Just do it.


----------



## imlost2989 (Dec 26, 2016)

browser said:


> imlost2989 said:
> 
> 
> > TI told him I will go no contact with him as I am not a door mat but he didnt seem to care.
> ...


My apologies if my replies haven't been directed to the correct responder I am new to the site and no familiar with how to use it.

At this point I don't care about "no contact" I am furious as my eyes begin to see things clearly. I want nothing to do with him. Speaking to him now would repulse me.


----------



## imlost2989 (Dec 26, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> The others will be along to offer sympathetic support and suggestions on going to counseling and how to take care of yourself and all that, so I'll leave that to them.
> 
> I tend to see things much more systematically - so my post will be primarily utilitarian.
> 
> ...





imlost2989 said:


> I reread this over and over and over and yes you are 100%. I do not want him back and while yes I am hurting I wish the coward would at least admit if there was someone else. I will get an STD panel tomorrow (pre natal appointment) this makes me sick and so ashamed of myself. I wish I could ask why? Just why? Why be so utterly cruel ?!


----------



## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

imlost2989 said:


> I found it terribly odd but he claimed to have developed OCD to keep his message box clean. I began to have suspicions. Fast forward to November a female co worker texted him after work hours which i found strange and asked him about it, he gave me a deer caught in head lights look. Said its no big deal shes just friendly. This ensued many arguments as i was able to tap into call records and see he would delete text messages from female co workers. He would swear it was nothing that he was "OCD" about his text message box. After weeks of arguing i got him to admit that he was in fact inappropriate and very flirtatious with many of his female co workers two in particular.


This is a lesson for everyone. When someone gives outright silly answers, never buy it or think that arguing is going to work. If it took weeks to admit then that means that for weeks he thought his excuse was working.



> He said in person and via text messages. He said the messages were highly inappropriate at times, one example "I cant wait to bite you" was said to one of the female coworker. Other said things about missing each other. I texted the co worker and told her he has built a family and made her aware of the inappropriate talk, she took my concern in stride and laughed.


Feelings? We will see.





> During this exchange I figured if he was admitting fault sure he wanted to work things out. I asked if he'd like to regain my trust he'd have to relinquish some privacy if hes willing to prove he was going to change. He flatly said no he would not agree to that. I said I will walk out and sleep at my mothers and told him it is up to him to stop me from doing so if he cares for us and our relationship.


You pulled a hand grenade out of your purse, removed the pin and threatened him.



> He let me walk out in the cold at 2 am rather than relinquish privacy to earn the trust back. This triggered him ignoring me via texts and calls for the next few days.


You walked away and the grenade went off, damaging only you.




> During this time he chose to attend his company's holiday party and cheated on me that night. He went on a spending spree making sure he looked great for the party. (he had previously said he wasnt going to go) ...that night i texted him begging for some response. I told him i was seven months pregnant to at least consider that and the worry and stress i am under. That is when he admitted to making out with a coworker which he claims is neither of the original girls he texted rather a new girl and that he wanted to be single.


I am detecting no authentic desire on his part to be what any woman deserves.




> The next day I am told he wants space and hints at him being ok if i moved out. At this point I am utterly confused and depressed. I began to move me and my sons things alone at 7 months pregnant. During the week id beg to speak to him but he would avoid me or answer one message and disappear again.


Again, you employ methods of weakness. You gave up any self-respect, hoping that he'd give into the emotional plea. Regardless of the outcome, the only way he is going to alter his course is if you regain your self-respect and accept objective reality. As it stands, reality is not imposing any burdens on him.




> In one occaasion to force some talk i went to his now basically single guy apartment to talk it over. There was lots of crying on both ends and then sex. He'd then text me a day or two after saying he missed me or that he was confused. I would begin to have some kind of hope but then radio silence again. On Christmas eve after much begging and crying on my part we met up, this time my poor child missing his step dad was brought along for the visit.


If your emotional pleas "work" in getting him to stop cheating and be faithful to you (now), the power balance in the relationship will be considerably altered, leaving him with the power.




> He did not buy him a gift...which i found almost hard to believe.


Did you read what you said before you wrote that? I believe it.



> After putting my child to sleep more crying ensues and he tells me he just doesn't feel the same way about me. I asked if there is anyone else and he absolutely says no but admits to continue to speak to his female co workers and that the flirting continues.


Is this a guy you would ask on a date if you had just met him?




> He'd hold me through out the night and cry.. he'd apologize over and over to me and lay me on his chest while i cried. I was devastated and expressed had that been the case why not just end it before cheating in such a way, spending money so recklessly trying to impress co workers and stringing me along all week long. He says hes confused but hes had these feelinsg for some time (about the time before or after i became pregnant)...or so he says. I however refuse to believe this as his change is very sudden towards me and his distance towards me began with his new job.


We are charged with the responsibility of being good to our partners, regardless of the position or where we work. It isn't the job, it is the person at the job (him).





> I dont know what to think. I am due March and devastated.


Yes you do.




> He has caused me too much hurt to turn back now but i wish someone would at least explain to me what is going on?


I refuse to answer that question for you. Read your post.




> He was so sweet and caring before.


The only thing that matters is the person that stands before you.



> Sure he would get stressed and had a nasty lying habit about his smoking and money spent on his smoking habit but other than that i would have never predicted this behavior. He is now going out all the time, doesn't look for me, nor my son, he's very cold.... I am not eating and falling into a depression. I don't know why he would do this now and in such a way
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Contrary to what one said above, I only advise talking to someone so that you gain emotional resilience and a faith in objective reality.

You already know all of the answers you asked. If I provide them for you (others have) then it is easy for you to disbelieve them because he was so sweet when you got pregnant.

Is this the type of man that you would advise a lady friend or sister/cousin to date and marry? If they experienced this same exact trauma, what would you tell them to do?


----------



## imlost2989 (Dec 26, 2016)

Relationship Teacher said:


> imlost2989 said:
> 
> 
> > I found it terribly odd but he claimed to have developed OCD to keep his message box clean. I began to have suspicions. Fast forward to November a female co worker texted him after work hours which i found strange and asked him about it, he gave me a deer caught in head lights look. Said its no big deal shes just friendly. This ensued many arguments as i was able to tap into call records and see he would delete text messages from female co workers. He would swear it was nothing that he was "OCD" about his text message box. After weeks of arguing i got him to admit that he was in fact inappropriate and very flirtatious with many of his female co workers two in particular.
> ...


I would tell her to run for the hills. He is me attempting to text me. And harass me about working things out. I'm going to black hole everything. He saw i stopped talking and responding and is now wanting to work things out. Not happening. All this heart ache I went through...I can't risk feeling like this again....I can't. I deserve better than this


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Get yourself out of that situation immediately, get yourself checked out by your doctor and start taking good care of yourself physically and mentally. If necessary, go to a shelter, but get away from this man and stay away. You owe this not only to yourself, but to your children.

We can't tell you why he is the way he is; we don't know him. He could just be a horrible person, he might have mental health issues or it could be the drugs he's smoking. Whatever the situation is, the effect on you is the same and you need to get away from him - _and stay away_. NOW! Things won't get better with a man like this; nor will your health and self-esteem.


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Hun, he is a POS.

He cheated on you and abandoned you and put unnecessary stress on you and your unborn child.

He is selfish, a jerk, pig, inconsiderate sack of sh!t.

I know it hurts, but you can do better. Your kids deserve better. 

F*ck him. Loser.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Maybe he was okay being a step dad but not a dad. His behavior may match him learning you were pregnant. 

But that is beside the point.... he cheated on you, walked out on you. Kick trash to the curb. You can do MUCH 

better. I know you want to know the "whys" but in the end.... it really does not matter. He has shown you who he 

really is.... believe him. Secure a reputable attorney and go after all the CS you can. Have him cover the child's

medical insurance, and allow him only supervised visitation. I will tell you exactly what I surmised about my x g/f

a few months back -S/he will one day grow up but.... I / you won't be around to see it-


----------



## imlost2989 (Dec 26, 2016)

Update: So sometime has passed since my last post in December. I am now just a few weeks from giving birth and nothing has changed on his end. I discovered a few weeks after moving out that there was a necklace and tissues left behind with lipstick smeared in the bathroom and bedroom. Graffiti all over the walls (he's quite big on graffiti and street art). That was the last time I entered the apartment we shared and never do I even want to enter it again. He won't confirm who the necklace belonged too and denies sleeping with anyone else after the initial break up. Claims he has lots of get-togethers and many people enter the apartment so the broken necklace in the bathroom could be anyone's (the thought of a ripped necklace and how it got to the bathroom disgusts me). The get-togethers I know are true as my sister had to stop by to pick up a fan (mid January) that belonged to her, he laid it on the ground outside the apartment door while she heard the laughter of many people and the smell of marijuana. Whenever we do have contact, he sometimes claims his phone is broken and to use email to contact him. Other times his iMessage works just fine. This weekend his phone doesn't work and he's getting a new me...so he claims. He claims he's waiting for his health insurance to kick through to seek mental health help. Honestly had I been the stupid young women of December I'd believe this BS. But no. A few weeks of thinking can do a lot for ya'. I can see through his bs. He had full on intentions of trying to string me along and use me for his own ego gratification. He'd ask me to "wait for him" that perhaps his feelings for me would return. I don't think so. I now see how I can do much better, yes I will be a single mom of 2 at 28 (birthday just passed) but I am college educated, young, and *gasp* gorgeous. I will cut my losses. He can continue the disappearing act, but he will have to answer to the child support order come March. I am angry and still hurt nonetheless smart. I've hopped off the emotional roller coaster he tried to have me ride. I deserve better.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like you are doing much better despite the awful situation he has put you in. You are right that you deserve to be treated better. No one deserved what he's dishing out.

I think that the reason he is saying things that sound like he is stringing you along is that he wants you and he wants other women too. He's hoping that you are stupid enough to let him have this. I guess he's wrong, isn't he?

I also think that it makes him feel better to be able to tell himself that you are the one who broke up the relationship. It's a chicken move on his part.

He's clearly not a person who can handle things when hard things happen. You had a hard pregnancy and he was unable to handle it emotionally. He was not getting 100% of your attention and he could not handle that.


----------



## imlost2989 (Dec 26, 2016)

I absolutely agree. I truly think he will kick himself in the head for this in the future though I hope I am not around to see it.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Good for you. 

"Wait for me to see if my feelings return" is cheater speak for "put your life on hold while I try out others to see if I can do better. If I can't I'll honor you by lowering myself to come back".

Probably doesn't want to pay child support.

Let this loser go. He isn't ready to be an adult let alone a husband and father. Frankly his bs is just intelligence insulting.


----------



## imlost2989 (Dec 26, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Good for you.
> 
> "Wait for me to see if my feelings return" is cheater speak for "put your life on hold while I try out others to see if I can do better. If I can't I'll honor you by lowering myself to come back".
> 
> ...


I did find his actions insulting and almost hilarious he'd think he could pull this off. I am seeing things clearer everyday, he wasn't and still wasn't worth the hassle. He was a constant liar through out the relationship. He couldn't stop lying for minor things I don't expect him to become honest now or later.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I would be thankful that you have found out what he is really like before you married him. Make sure that you get legal advise about what he must contribute for child support and be the best mum you can to those innocent children.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Good for you OP! Way to go honey. You and your children deserve more than this lying sack of sh!t.

You don't need him, soon enough you will be blessed with your second little miracle and you will create a wonderful life for you and your two little people.

You've got this xx


----------



## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

Congratulations! So many women don't have the strength to walk away like you did, and they end up paying one hell of a price for it. I don't even know you and I'm proud of you. You are strong, you are beautiful, and you will find love (the real kind this time) one day. Never settle, never have "I'll be ok" as your catch phrase, you ARE ok, you ARE amazing. He is seriously good ng to regret this one day after his balls fall of from some mutant STD. Good riddance.


----------



## imlost2989 (Dec 26, 2016)

Saibasu said:


> Congratulations! So many women don't have the strength to walk away like you did, and they end up paying one hell of a price for it. I don't even know you and I'm proud of you. You are strong, you are beautiful, and you will find love (the real kind this time) one day. Never settle, never have "I'll be ok" as your catch phrase, you ARE ok, you ARE amazing. He is seriously good ng to regret this one day after his balls fall of from some mutant STD. Good riddance.


"Mutant STD" I laughed so much at this! Thank you! What is funnier and probably very childish of me to say is that he's not very attractive either. I laugh like an immature school girl at the thought of him trying to be this new suave guy who wants multiple women. I've known him since our early high school days and he's never been very lucky at picking up the women he actually found attractive. His friends and family alike said he was definitely lucky to have had me and really stupid for letting me walk. Oh well! His loss. I am ready to be the best mom I can be and look ahead.


----------



## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

imlost2989 said:


> "Mutant STD" I laughed so much at this! Thank you! What is funnier and probably very childish of me to say is that he's not very attractive either. I laugh like an immature school girl at the thought of him trying to be this new suave guy who wants multiple women. I've known him since our early high school days and he's never been very lucky at picking up the women he actually found attractive. His friends and family alike said he was definitely lucky to have had me and really stupid for letting me walk. Oh well! His loss. I am ready to be the best mom I can be and look ahead.


Oh I know all about them fugly looking dudes. I've been there. You break up with them and it's like"holy crap, love really does blind you, how was I able to sleep with him??"

It's not childish, dudes an ass, an ugly ass that should have kissed the ground you walk on. And now that we know his personality matches his looks, you can rest easy knowing it's HIS COMPLETE LOSS  

You do you Hun, be the best damn you that you can be. Screw the rest xo


----------



## imlost2989 (Dec 26, 2016)

Update/ex fiancé still causing damage: The hurt is very real today. Somehow the closer baby is due (11days or less now ) the easier it has been for the ex fiancé to speak to me. Of course with no intention of working anything out with us but apologizing (about not loving me without actually saying it) the last blow was him telling me via text he will hopefully find a woman that loves our daughter as much I love her though he's not actively searching and is letting things just happen in his life. I'm not sure if he understands how hurtful these words are to me. I have constant contractions on a daily (body is surely prepping for labor) I don't need hear that he is now waiting for his supposed soulmate that will be this fabulous step mother he believes she will be. He's suddenly completely normal has stopped the harsh drugs and partying and sticking to some basic friends and his weed plus work. He almost seems like a greener grass case. Regardless I am pregnant and his words have hurt me. He reopened a wound I had long worked to heal. Keeping him away is no longer an option..he has respected to stay away for the birth and to give me a few weeks to adjust after birth however he has fully expressed he wants some form of visitation then after. Has agreed to court ordered child support as well. She will be breastfed and not be given bottles just like I did with previous DS. He fully intends to be around my home even if just weekends to hold her. How on earth is this healthy for me? How do people move on in a situation like this? Seems impossibly insane. This guy cheated on me, put me out of my own home, didn't care my son cried and suffered his absence, had the audacity to tell me about the lifestyle he was living, the # of women he slept with(2) and now that he's all done with that....he's "sorry" "didn't ever mean to hurt me" "and is going to find the one for him one way or another" ...his words. I cut the conversation politely after this. I do not need to hear this. I almost wish I could see what on earth he's thinking how did we go from fine to "Im not happy" "I love you but not in love with you" everything going to hell after to the current feeble apologies he's throwing my way. What is he thinking ?!

I was just peachy before.....and now I feel like he's reopening an old wound. How can I begin to deal with is all over again?


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

You should look up narcissistic personality disorder, he has a lot of the hallmark traits of that. Once you read about that, you'll see that they lack empathy, and life is all about their needs, wants, desires...and their partners are all just playthings that they put on a shelf until they want to play with them again. 

And work on healing, it is hard to heal from a break up with a person like this. They don't want to let you go because they want to still use you when it suits. You'll have to go no contact...meaning, no texting, no emailing, no face book, no social media, and block his number, or he will haunt you forever. I've dated men like this, and they don't ever let you go, you have to sever it. He will keep reopening the wound over and over, if you let him.

Hugs and hope you go NC.


----------



## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Make sure you hold him legally responsible for the financial support of the child, in whatever means necessary in your state to do so whether it's putting his name on the birth certificate, or giving him the opportunity to take a paternity test or whatever it takes.

Don't be one of those women who say "I don't need his money" because it's not about your needs it's about your child's needs and the obligation of both parents to support them.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

No, he doesn't get to come around your apartment on weekends to "hold the baby." What an ass.

Meet with an attorney who practices family law and have them advise you how to set up a visitation schedule, legally through the courts. Arrange for someone else (your mom?) to make the swap. Pump breast milk to send along with his visit. He doesn't sound much like father material, so he'll likely be very unreliable with visits, maybe disappear altogether. And you'll still receive child support payments anyway.

Do NOT let him just show up unless it's one of his regularly scheduled visits.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You can refuse to be a doormat and not worry about what he "intends" to do. 

No, he doesn't get to come over. He has no power except what you give him. 

File for child support and set up court ordered visitation plan, then tell him to **** off.

Then block him in every way unless it's kid related, and stick to the court ordered plan. 

That's how you start to heal.


----------



## imlost2989 (Dec 26, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> You should look up narcissistic personality disorder, he has a lot of the hallmark traits of that. Once you read about that, you'll see that they lack empathy, and life is all about their needs, wants, desires...and their partners are all just playthings that they put on a shelf until they want to play with them again.
> And work on healing, it is hard to heal from a break up with a person like this. They don't want to let you go because they want to still use you when it suits. You'll have to go no contact...meaning, no texting, no emailing, no face book, no social media, and block his number, or he will haunt you forever. I've dated men like this, and they don't ever let you go, you have to sever it. He will keep reopening the wound over and over, if you let him.
> 
> Hugs and hope you go NC.


I am expecting with him and he doesn't seem to want to be out his daughters life. I wish I could go no contact with him. That'd be my dream honestly :/


----------



## imlost2989 (Dec 26, 2016)

Just today I was messaged with the things he bought the baby. I don't think I am dealing with someone who intends to disappear at all. I feel like this story becomes more complex by the minute.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

imlost2989 said:


> Just today I was messaged with the things he bought the baby. I don't think I am dealing with someone who intends to disappear at all. I feel like this story becomes more complex by the minute.


Why are you reading his texts? 

Block him.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

imlost2989 said:


> Keeping him away is no longer an option..he has respected to stay away for the birth and to give me a few weeks to adjust after birth however he has fully expressed he wants some form of visitation then after. Has agreed to court ordered child support as well. She will be breastfed and not be given bottles just like I did with previous DS. He fully intends to be around my home even if just weekends to hold her. How on earth is this healthy for me? How do people move on in a situation like this? Seems impossibly insane.


It is insane under the circumstances. You do not have to allow him to visit with your child in your home. He most likely wants to spend time in your place so that he can continue to play games with you and mess with your head. See a lawyer. Find out what your rights are so that you (and your child) are protected from him. Let him go through the court system to get a visitation schedule in place. It can be set up so that he sees your child in a neutral location, even so that you do not have to see him. 

The court will order that he pay child support. It does no matter if he agrees to it.



imlost2989 said:


> This guy cheated on me, put me out of my own home, didn't care my son cried and suffered his absence, had the audacity to tell me about the lifestyle he was living, the # of women he slept with(2) and now that he's all done with that....he's "sorry" "didn't ever mean to hurt me" "and is going to find the one for him one way or another" ...his words. I cut the conversation politely after this. I do not need to hear this. I almost wish I could see what on earth he's thinking how did we go from fine to "Im not happy" "I love you but not in love with you" everything going to hell after to the current feeble apologies he's throwing my way. What is he thinking?!


He’s clearly delusional; probably a narcissist. Stop talking to him. If he calls do not answer the phone. If he texts, do not reply. If he calls from a number you do not recognize, then just hang up when you hear his voice. If he tries to talk to you in person, tell him to get away from you and walk way. If he purses you, start yelling, dial 911 and report that he’s following you and harassing you. If he comes to your door, shut and lock the door as soon as you see it is him. If he bangs on the door or forces his way in, call 911 and file a complaint of breaking and entry, or attempted assault, or anything. You have to let him know that you do not want to hear from him or talk to him again. You have 100% power to stop all his contact with you. If he wants to see his child, he has to go through the court system.
You can start this by sending him a text telling him to not call you, come to your home or approach you in public. If he needs to communicate about the baby, to do so via text or email only. Tell him you are serious about having no more personal contact with him. That puts him on notice to leave you alone.


imlost2989 said:


> I was just peachy before.....and now I feel like he's reopening an old wound. How can I begin to deal with is all over again?


You don’t need to deal with it all over again. You are not one allowing him back into your life on some level. So stop it. Stop talking to him. Just stop it.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

imlost2989 said:


> I am expecting with him and he doesn't seem to want to be out his daughters life. I wish I could go no contact with him. That'd be my dream honestly :/


You can go no contact in that there is no personal contact.

Tell him that you will not talk to him in person or on the phone. You will only accept text messages and email from him. All communication with him has to be this way. And that you can only communicate with your on topics related to your daughter.

He has zero need to talk to you about anything but you child. And all of that can go through text/email.

I had to do that with my son's father because he was a problem. It worked very well. I had my lawyer put that in the court documents.

Why did you even sit there and listen to that garbage he was saying about him looking for another woman all about his life? I'm not expecting an answer. I'm trying to get you to realize that you are letting him step all over you. If you don't want to hear this garbage from him, the just stop him if and when he tries it again. Just look at him and tell him something like "I don't care to hear about your nonsense." and then hang up or leave or tell him to leave.

You need to look at yourself and figure out why you allow him to do this to you.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

imlost2989 said:


> Just today I was messaged with the things he bought the baby. I don't think I am dealing with someone who intends to disappear at all. I feel like this story becomes more complex by the minute.


This is a guy who jumps from one thing/woman/etc to the next in a heart beat. The current excitement is a new baby. He'll most likely move on from her too.

That said, he can be excited about the baby as he wants to be. The fact is that you don't need to hear about it. So he bought the baby some clothing. So what.

Did you reply to him? If so what did you say?


----------



## imlost2989 (Dec 26, 2016)

I asked if his parents bought the clothing. His parents are highly invested in this child nearly to the point im petrified they'll go for grandparents rights. I live in NY. I believe I allow him to text me out of pure fear he will fight for visitation. I hear NY is very mighty into not witholding the child from dad. He's willing to pay child support as well and prove paternity. My fear and anxiety is what keeps me from blocking his texts and playing "nice". Here I am due any minute and rather than enjoying this time im shaking in fear of what is to come. I am just afraid for my baby .....


----------



## imlost2989 (Dec 26, 2016)

happy as a clam said:


> imlost2989 said:
> 
> 
> > Just today I was messaged with the things he bought the baby. I don't think I am dealing with someone who intends to disappear at all. I feel like this story becomes more complex by the minute.
> ...


Fear pure fear of what is to come in the next days ....though the stress may put me in labor today.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

imlost2989 said:


> Fear pure fear of what is to come in the next days ....though the stress may put me in labor today.


Take a step back for a minute.....how exactly is responding to him going to help your fear? What are you getting out of this?

I sense you're still holding out hope that he'll come back. But you can't beg or nice someone back.....that only makes you seem less valuable.

Play hardball. Even if he did come back why would you want him? He's shown you what kind of man he is.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

imlost2989 said:


> I asked if his parents bought the clothing. His parents are highly invested in this child nearly to the point im petrified they'll go for grandparents rights. I live in NY.


They can see the child when she's with her father.
In New York, grandparents have a legal right to request court-ordered visitation when:


one or both parents die
they have a substantial existing relationship with their grandchildren, or
the child’s parents have interfered with their efforts to establish or maintain a relationship.
Do Grandparents Have Visitation Rights in New York? | DivorceNet.com



imlost2989 said:


> I believe I allow him to text me out of pure fear he will fight for visitation. I hear NY is very mighty into not witholding the child from dad. He's willing to pay child support as well and prove paternity. My fear and anxiety is what keeps me from blocking his texts and playing "nice". Here I am due any minute and rather than enjoying this time im shaking in fear of what is to come. I am just afraid for my baby .....


The way you are doing this is going to increase the amount of time he gets with the child. If you let him visit in your home and spend time with her, he will be able to claim that he has been a big part of her life from day one.

You are giving into his bs out of fear. That will only lead to him having control over you and your child that you do not want him to have. Let him go through the courts. They are going to give him some kind of visitation. You know that. But you don't have to put up with his bs.

You are doing a lot more than playing 'nice'. YOu are letting him have enough access to you to hurt you and play games with you. You can tell him that the only thing you will communicate with him about is your child. When he wants to go on about his life and other women, kindly remind him that you will not listen to that. 

For right now, you have to much on your plate. Talking to him, his texts, etc are more than you can deal with. Just tell him that. The next time he texts you, ignore the text. Do not reply to any text or phone call until after you have the baby. If he bugs you, gets nasty, etc. Just text back that with the child birth you have too much going on to be able to text/talk.

You need to put your foot down.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

imlost2989 said:


> Fear pure fear of what is to come in the next days ....though the stress may put me in labor today.


fear of what?


----------



## imlost2989 (Dec 26, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> imlost2989 said:
> 
> 
> > I asked if his parents bought the clothing. His parents are highly invested in this child nearly to the point im petrified they'll go for grandparents rights. I live in NY.
> ...


I will put my foot down. Sometimes my fear of not being in control of what happens to my children over takes me. I will no longer cater to this monster in hopes he will be kind enough not to fight me for custody. I will start standing up for myself and keep him away as much as I can. I hope and pray that what my friends and family say (that he will be a dead beat/non present dad) the minute he sees he cannot manipulate me or get under my skin. I'd much rather he decide that...I am not afraid to be a single mom. Have done it before with my first child I don't mind doing it again with 2. Also I will start demanding he email me ...his texts create anxiety that I can do without. I hope that my next update is a positive one


----------



## imlost2989 (Dec 26, 2016)

Update before baby arrives!!: My exF. emailed hospital discharge papers where he was given the initial evaluation of Bipolar disorder. They did not keep him and so they allowed him to walk with the agreement a social worker will contact him. FYI He did not go willingly his mother took him in(he keeps running away from help). I'm very aware of this disorder but this was a definite curveball. I'm not really sure what to gain from writing this update except to vent. I had my suspicions he had a mood disorder from the moment I was discarded but I didn't want to diagnose him as I'm not qualified. I'm rather convinced he's manic/hypomanic or in a mixed episode. It is obvious his interest in our daughter is also just talk ...his actions prove otherwise. My due date is Thursday and if nothing occurs I'll be induced next week, now that I can see he's not truly really interested I can breathe easy knowing my post partum time will be peaceful. The logistics of custody will come after. I'm just trying to wrap my head around what his diagnosis now means for the future; I am done with the relationship however.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

imlost2989 said:


> Update before baby arrives!!: My exF. emailed hospital discharge papers where he was given the initial evaluation of Bipolar disorder. They did not keep him and so they allowed him to walk with the agreement a social worker will contact him. FYI He did not go willingly his mother took him in(he keeps running away from help). I'm very aware of this disorder but this was a definite curveball. I'm not really sure what to gain from writing this update except to vent. I had my suspicions he had a mood disorder from the moment I was discarded but I didn't want to diagnose him as I'm not qualified. I'm rather convinced he's manic/hypomanic or in a mixed episode. It is obvious his interest in our daughter is also just talk ...his actions prove otherwise. My due date is Thursday and if nothing occurs I'll be induced next week, now that I can see he's not truly really interested I can breathe easy knowing my post partum time will be peaceful. The logistics of custody will come after. I'm just trying to wrap my head around what his diagnosis now means for the future; I am done with the relationship however.


When you say exF, do you mean that he, your ex boy friend sent you his discharge papers?


----------



## imlost2989 (Dec 26, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> imlost2989 said:
> 
> 
> > Update before baby arrives!!: My exF. emailed hospital discharge papers where he was given the initial evaluation of Bipolar disorder. They did not keep him and so they allowed him to walk with the agreement a social worker will contact him. FYI He did not go willingly his mother took him in(he keeps running away from help). I'm very aware of this disorder but this was a definite curveball. I'm not really sure what to gain from writing this update except to vent. I had my suspicions he had a mood disorder from the moment I was discarded but I didn't want to diagnose him as I'm not qualified. I'm rather convinced he's manic/hypomanic or in a mixed episode. It is obvious his interest in our daughter is also just talk ...his actions prove otherwise. My due date is Thursday and if nothing occurs I'll be induced next week, now that I can see he's not truly really interested I can breathe easy knowing my post partum time will be peaceful. The logistics of custody will come after. I'm just trying to wrap my head around what his diagnosis now means for the future; I am done with the relationship however.
> ...


Ex fiancé, sorry. Yes he himself emailed the discharge papers. I have absolutely no clue why (can't make sense out of non sense) why he willingly emailed the discharge papers. The initial eval. was completed at my local hospital (same where I've been treated dozen times before and will give birth at again ) I recognize the formatting. His mother verified this too however i've maintained firm in lowering contact with her. Once she verified this info. I've not spoken to her and clearly explained that her calls needed to stop as I have my hands at 9 months pregnant. She has not been very nice or kind about this whole ordeal.


----------

