# Trying for a baby, one sided



## popz (Sep 5, 2013)

There is much to talk about in relation to sex issues in our marriage but I will keep to what is happening this week without too much history.
I sent a sextext 2 days ago to say the time is right, looking forward to sex tonight and this week. I was ignored, no reply. When he came home he mentioned nothing. At bedtime I waited 20mins before following him to bed. He is taking Viagra, age 43. I am 33.
He was asleep!! snoring his head off. I waited awhile and got up, sobbed my heart out on the sofa. That was a dark time, with thoughts of taking my own life, after a few hours I just felt numb, and managed a couple of hours sleep.
The next night on his way for a bath he asked if he was to take a tablet!? I just couldn't bring myself to say yes, I didn't want sex I was still numb inside, how could I? I shook my head and he walked away. He went to bed early and left me on the sofa sobbing. No comfort given, he just walked away? 
We have communicated a little today, I don't know if we should have sex tonight?
I am desperate for a baby, he says he is too. We have been trying 8 years, which has been tough. We have had 2 losses, both early.
I don't want to miss another month of not trying to conceive.
My brother is having a baby next month and I hoped to be pregnant before it came, unless I don't think I can cope when his arrives.
Anyone have any advice? I have 5hours before he is home


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

I'm sorry. You're in a stressful situation, and it seems like you and your husband handle tension in different ways. It also sounds like it might be a communication problem. It sounds like he was truly tired the other night when he fell asleep. 

I would be very direct. I know my husband doesn't always understand just how important something is to me. It's easy to become infuriated when you are focusing on something so much, and your partner doesn't seem to get it. When he gets home, tell him it is "go time" and ask him to take a pill. Put on some lyngerie, have fun, and try to connect with your husband. 

Do you have a good support network around you? You need support. This will eat you up and you will lose precious moments of your life without it. Best wishes.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

You're coming unraveled mentally and he's (Apparently) clueless and indifferent. To echo what momtwo4 said, could there be a problem with communication?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Send him this text:

I was hurt the other night when I felt my advances were ignored. I love you and I want you to love me too! I know trying for pregnancy might put pressure on you. We should try harder to be emotionally honest with each other. I know you didn't mean to hurt me when you ignored my text then fell asleep, but it hurt. Lets hold each other tonight, then bring the roof down with wild sex?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

8 years is a long time to struggle with fertility issues. You both sound incredibly stressed rightfully so. You're yes unraveling and he's checked out. Both coping mechanisms and both ineffective. Would he go to counseling? Ya'll seriously need to address the elephant in the room instead of ignoring it and hoping it goes away.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I remember my first wife and I were trying for three years. I got to a point where I went and got my sperm checked and I was fine. One night she said, "Sweetie get your ass in bed and knock me up or you aren't leaving this house until I have a baby bump". Didn't work. 
She was in a car accident and nothing serious but was might sore so, the doctor gave her muscle relaxers and since her neck was sore along with her ankle we waited for a while before we had sex. I mean she was hurting enough and I didn't want to bounce her all over the place, but one night she said let's just go easy. I think the key to the whole thing was neither she or I was thinking baby any longer but just a little sex. We kept it that way for a month and BINGO! she gave me the news that I was going to be a dad. 

Now I'm not suggesting that you go out a total your car but if you can find something to relax you and tell your husband that you take the little blue pill for sex and not sleep and keep the atmosphere in a relaxed way, you may have the same luck we did. Just a suggestion. Good luck


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

My husband and I tried for 12 years to have a baby, that is a very long time to try! I gave up after all those years. After we quit trying to have a baby it happened, without trying! Sometimes you just need to stop trying and just go with it. Try to be as stress free as possible. 

I am now pregnant with baby number 2 and we didn't plan on this one either. Sometimes you just need to go with the flow of things.. As they say when you stop trying is when it will happen.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

There is clearly much to this story that has not been told that led to the situation that was described. It sounds first and foremost as if communication between husband and wife is not working. Eight years is a long time to work on pregnancy. The lack of success can be debilitating. It sounds as if each spouse in this intubation is reacting in different ways that are driving the two apart.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

The reason I join TAM was for advice on moving forward when you realize you can't have a baby. My H became majorly depressed and was starting to check out of the marriage. He couldn't even stand to watch parent/kid commercial. Normally my H is the rock in our marriage and this was tearing me apart. I start going out with my friends more and so did he. 

After almost 5 years of trying I finally had to verbally jack him up and tell him he either was going to have to get some help or get over it because he was destroyed our marriage. This snap him out of it and we both talk through our sorrow and face the fact this would be a childless marriage. There was what I now believe was hysterical bonding but I called it comfort sex and become more close than ever. Then in December or January's (we will soon find out) we conceived and I am 33 weeks. 

Hope this give you hope. But I guess it was true for us too that after we stop trying we conceived.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Are you guys still having sex just for fun and connection? Or is it goal-oriented towards conceiving?

I'll admit that my ex and I never had fertility issues - not even close. And, I love kids. But, if I was in a situation where sex was reduced to that sort of functional act, I would almost certainly be resentful and start to withdraw.

I saw where he fell asleep on you (admittedly not good) - I'm guessing that was the night for optimum fertility. But when he tried to connect with you the next night, you turned him down. I know you were hurt, but I think the key is to make the sex about the two of you first, and having a baby second - as hard as that may be.

Would a good compromise be to hold off sex as needed for maximum fertility, and then make sure you connect often the rest of the month as well? Also, when you do get together during the fertile time, don't just tell him to take his Viagra and get to it. Make it a nice love-making session like any other.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I don't know that I have much advice except to say I'm sorry. Infertility is so, so difficult and so depressing.

While it is true that some conceive when they don't expect to and finally take the focus off - there are also many who never do get pregnant. I know it is well meaning but I particularly bristle when the advice to 'just relax' is given for any journey that has taken years. The issues causing my infertility were 100% fallopian blockage and I had multiple emergency surgeries for internal bleeding of the ovearies. Relaxing doesn't change that. Relaxing doesn't fix everything.

What concerns me is that you are having suicidal thoughts and moments in your desperation. If you do not have a counselor helping you through this process I might advise getting one that specializes in this area. There are also infertility support groups where you can at least feel not so alone.

I also understand how trying to conceive brings havoc on how we feel about ourselves as women and how we view sex. When sex becomes an act of desperation it is harmful for both partners. Does your husbands issue with viagra have anything to do with the timing of the act and the pressure to have the act result in pregnancy?


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