# Help help help help help



## Skrya (Dec 25, 2012)

Got a hot mess here and stubborn old goat of a Duke boy grew into Barney Fife type of mess. And we are BOTH so stubborn.
I feel betrayed on every f-in level, lotto tickets just chewin through the money for about 5 years. The last 2 I was considering maybe he had done somethin and was paying a loan shark ! But I believed in him so much that I thought maybe one of his siblings was in trouble the last year before I realized. A whole year shaving bar soap to do laundry..5 years thinking we were so poor my tail better get out there and grow some food to help my man and he's scratching like a dog with lice or a crack head with crack... MAD AS HELL....never got address that because by the time he gave the truth about that he was months into a "relationship of emotion indulgmentr ONLY...!!! I knew he knew I knew, NEVER did he admit ONE thing I didn't have concrete proof on (gathering said proof gave me the title of "stalker" and not trusting after all this 'Oh the damage to him...runnin up under his family and LYEING about what we are fighting about "he blinked I'M still bringin it up EVER DAY and it's been 2 years! (has been since about 5 months after) Dang I type much faster when I'm mad...Where to start? HELP HELP HELP (that is where the title came from...I'm loosing my mind that ain't even a drop:rofl:


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You're a hoot'n'ahalf. 

(are you okay?)


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

I agree


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## Skrya (Dec 25, 2012)

For the first time since all of this yes I think I am. This forum is an amazingly powerful confirmation of my needs.


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## Skrya (Dec 25, 2012)

I want to save our marriage so bad but he just wants to go on and enjoy today because he's not doing anything wrong now. I feel like a ping pong ball. I have been reading on a few other threads and am even madder now because he has railroaded me for not trusting him instead of trying to repair his damage and the ow she still is interfering (karma gonna get her,hope to see it though) It's just good to be in a place where people understand. I am floored after all that to find you guys. Is the best shock I've had in a long time. Lots of good advice here if he will help fix it or if he (or she) forces me to 180.


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## ChangingMe (Oct 3, 2012)

I'm a (former) WS. If you want to save your marriage, do the 180. Lots of BS will say the same, but as a WS, I will tell you that my husband throwing me out, cutting me off, and making me scared to death over what I had done was the best wake-up call for me. I don't know that I would have snapped out of things as fast as I did if not for that. There is definite power in the 180. 

(BTW, things are far from perfect, but DDay was 6 months ago, I have been back at home for 4 months, and -I think-more often than not my husband wants to stay with me.)

I'm sorry you are going through this. But please use punctuation. I've already had 2 glasses of red wine and couldn't get through your whole post.


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## Skrya (Dec 25, 2012)

LOL..thank you. I am getting financial straight to do just that. I sold my car a few years ago to pay home out of foreclosure and pay back taxes he'd lied about over his lotto scratch off. I tell ya it's the first and last thing he spends every pay received on. I had let my everything go to straighten his everything out and make him credit worthy. I have paid almost all on mine off 4 payments to go. I'm in no rush we are in separate rooms and I had just started getting sick a few months before she started throwing herself at him so I am having medical treatments. I feel in prison sometimes but I must be patient and prepare in case 180 is permanent. I used to hate the idea of her having him and my home but I would be happy to see it fall on her shoulders as I would be to work it out I am exhausted and it's his game but right now I am sick and stuck.


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## Skrya (Dec 25, 2012)

Wow I have been struggling to deal with this and I am exhausted from just a couple hours here.
All the strong emotions and being able to relate inherently to so much info about something I have been attacked about is a shock to my mind.
I must stay away from alcohol until I am sure how it will affect me..lol
I will try to sleep now I hope exhaustion keeps me at least 5 tonight.
I had a nightmare we were turned into the Bundys but I was really Marcy trapped in Peggys body woke up panicking so I'm good and tired.
SWEET DREAMS all I hope to find you in better shape tomorrow than today forever.


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## Skrya (Dec 25, 2012)

I cannot believe how many posts since last night! I could never hurt someone like this after going through it, how does it just keep getting worse..what happened to Morales and integrity?
How do you ever believe in anything again after all this? 
I know time heals all but it aint workin


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You seem to have a healthy sense of humor/irony/sarcasm. What are you doing to raise your sense of self?

Do yo have children?
Relatives near by?
A job?
A pet?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Skrya, You sound like you're making a good plan for yourself. You're going through a lot. If you want to keep a grip on the situation stay off the alcohol. It will set you back. If you need it, ask the Doctor for something to take the edge off.


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## ChangingMe (Oct 3, 2012)

Ok, it's morning and I'm thinking clearer, so maybe you are too. Could you write out a bit more of your story? Even totally sober, I am a little confused about it all -especially the lotto tickets and how the OW is still in the picture. Does that mean the A is still going on? And if you say no, how are you sure? What's the timeline of the A? 

I'm sorry you're here, and I'm sorry you're hurting.


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## Skrya (Dec 25, 2012)

Wow I haven't really thought of raising self just figured would come as I made myself strong enough to stand without him if need be.

The lotto scratch off tickets are his gambling..several times daily and about a third of net pay when it's "under control".
I believe the A is over but I am unsure if that is forever. She had a child with my hubby during one of our breakups after high school from a drunken one righter after a bar. They lived together and she left him and married her brothers friend.
She and her new husband asked to adopt his daughter and he agreed.

Not a word from her for 12 years, the child contacts "bio-dad" aka real dad or I get my ***** cold shoulder treatment) her marriage falls apart and she starts looking for a way out. 
All is in her husbands name as she never keeps a job so she starts going through men from her past. I was actually contacted and warned that my hubby was probably on this list and I LAUGHED..not him
Turns out later she had the child told and encouraged contact, she established as much contact with his family as she could. They never liked her but her daughter they were desperate for.
I never felt threatened secure in hubby integrity.Until I stumbled across a phone bill that didn't auto pay for a late deposit.
His sister had taught him he could overdraw at the atm after he spent all his money and pay an overdraft fee. This became standard but initial the bank froze the account for suspicious activity and we had to contact them.
I knew the money was goin somewhere but I never imagined so much could be spent on scratch off's . I was dumbfounded.
I did not expect the "involvement" to be so deep yet but that they were texting from the time he left till the time he returned and talking for hours. I can barely get a 3 min call.
When confronted he couldn't deny the money but took the stance that if I were the one making it he would agree it was mine to spend (untrue now that I have an income again)
I started monitoring he was turning the phone off in the evenings, I started checking texts, I read weeks before confronting him he deleted them and denied what I had read.
She started posting on his facebook and his familys about how jealous I am and how she has to protect their child,started showing up and contacting any family member that would have it.
All the while setting me up to make sure I had good reason to be.
Pictures in her underwear and the sexting..I want!! hot hot..hot..what I don't get is he is VERY premature in that department. He denies that it ever went beyond some meetings and kissing type stuff but he denied that after I found out and for a full month while I had the pictures in my dresser of them kissing (she was setting him up) running her smart during ALL meetings..leaking anywhere I may see or hear. 
He just Barney Fifed along, he had to stop bringing his phone into the house because I wouldn't let him leave it off and she wouldn't not call during home hours.

That was the start of it I guess

Also his sex habits changed, he had just got a new truck (that I paid his credit up so he could) and I thought it was just a guy thjing nice vehicle..tv whatever better sex..he did comment once that I always say he cums too quick and I have avoided absolutely avoided MENTIONING this ALWAYS..


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## Skrya (Dec 25, 2012)

and Good Morning changing me ..Hope that wine lead to a delight...lol
No children, 2 dogs (MINE) mom fairly close but cannot go there to live, I have ssd and if I leave will probably be able to get ssi enough to get by. All the money dumped into my improvements here ( extensive foods grown (fruit,nut,herb) solar panels, his credit rebuild, I even cashed mt ira into solar panels but I just sat around he says.
I am very excited to be straightening me out but he will resent not having that benefit anymore. I am honestly in a hard place with that.


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## Skrya (Dec 25, 2012)

Oh and the timeline was Nov to Feb when I found phone out...lie believe refined out until April..on each other about it until july..August was breakup now. 
We are a year 4 months out.

The gambling has been more hidden justified and lied about than ever. This week he made a bi-weekly 830 and 260 was overdrawn from last.

Dealing with the betrayal he just did 2 months saying I always put him down and am accusing him of being a bad man every time it was brought up, then it's been this length of time. 

Never answered questions,there are still things I know for sure he is lying about. It has been a long time I know but the trust is taking more damage and he just wants to blame me if I bring up what he is doing to our trust as I'm doing it for not living in today.

Now either way could be right but he has found this so workable that if he does something RIGHT NOW that hurts my feelings it's about him being a bad man or accused or how much stress me pointing out any thing is stressing him out.


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## ChangingMe (Oct 3, 2012)

So there are two distinct betrayals, each with other betrayals wrapped up within them:

1) Financial betrayal, with all the lottery tickets and scamming the bank. 
2) The OW, and all the years he's dedicated to her. 

These are both huge, and he's not taking accountability for either, which to me means he's more than likely still carrying both of them on. You have to disconnect. This man does not respect you, shows no remorse, is clearly addicted to gambling, and is wasting your life. Build yourself up, get your things in order, and then leave.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

A gambling addict. I hate them as much as I do cheaters. Like my dad, your husband seems to be both. 

Not much I can say other than you aren't alone.


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## Skrya (Dec 25, 2012)

Thanks guys , I'm really seeing the dead end here. He does not want to fix it.
Just wants to go on.
I let myself get far behind piling resources into building one of us into a strength all the while he is using that to facilitate his lifestyle now.
I left him for 3 years because he would not plan to a future and he still is not.

I am strengthening myself, it is so hard to be here knowing I am going and I cannot speak of this with him. I refuse to be dishonest about it but it must change for us to even build a relationship. He is indeed more comfortable with not dealing with a problem instead of indulging now.

He may won't be to keep the house because it and his truck is all he pays so I see repercussion for "abandoning" him within both our families. My mother adored him before all this but I played him up and covered for years now the piper.

Truth is he abandoned me years ago and my not putting my foot down as it being unacceptable has made it my fault for letting it go on so long.

He sees a change with the 180, I am still here but I am no longer trying to reason with him. He got mad once because I looked at the phone records and started accusing me of stalking him, he left to "visit family" turned off his phone and stayed out until the next night.
When he came back I said hello and went about my business. He stayed next to me trying to chat about weather and baseball for a couple of hours. I was not rude but not interested either (think chatting with a stranger at the doctors waiting room). 

My best friend called who had been my shoulder through the night, she came over we went and got a bottle of wine and just hung out. I was not in tears and it was the turning point for me.
Well he is hovering and she calls he goes to his desk and ending the call I tell her I love her and I had fun. 

WOW he did a 180 started ignoring me, about an hour later I am playing a video game and he says he's going to the store and did I need anything (shock) I ask which store and he tells me and I mention no I was just there this weekend. Oh so you went out?

I said yes (I did go out to get the wine with Memory sooooo) he looked furious..in that second who he was changed to me by his actions. After he stopped hovering and neither instance has been mentioned again but it seemed like he was doing things that used to bother me. A month later I got the you dont care anymore speech.

He is such a bundle of double standards and contradictions that I dont think he has beliefs beyond the moment.

But I do not know because I have no idea who he is anymore. That makes living here VERY hard when he wants to blame for not being affectionate. Hello it may not bother you to be groped by a stranger but it bothers me ALOT and wham here I go talking about something he's not doing again, why can't I appreciate...blah...blah...blah

I came to realize his last resort is hysterics which has previously led me into them and after I get worked up it starts to be my fault. Now he goes there and I just watch him yell and whine.
After almost 2 years of living on coffee tears and stress I've started making a milkshake during and just watching (almost chose popcorn but seemed too insulting) 

I stare at him drinking my shake and think almost starving (I got to 63 lbs) of the time he left me in the floor having a heart attack and stepped over me one morning on his way out. 
I think about how I was in the floor unable to speak and confused all that day night and most of the next until my mother found me.
I think about he blamed me while he was lying after and now just the same and I see NOTHING has changed except for she is gone. 

Makes that shake damn good I must say, I am up to 92 lbs now but by time I get out I may see 140. I'm working what he's going to do anyways for me. I still hope sometimes but I feel I am healing:smthumbup:


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## Skrya (Dec 25, 2012)

New realization..I want him to want to fix it but I cannot build a relationship on I want to fix it. That is his place to assume or abandon but outcome is still hinged on it either way.

After reading my post I had a second of guilt that it seems I've made a choice to leave if the basics are not met and then it hit me that is NORMAL nothing wrong there.

Meeting those basics or not is HIS choice. WOW, I am doing nothing wrong as long as I am holding my standards for myself if he meets them fine if not ~helpless~ to build a relationship alone:yay:


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## Skrya (Dec 25, 2012)

ChangingMe said:


> So there are two distinct betrayals, each with other betrayals wrapped up within them:
> 
> 1) Financial betrayal, with all the lottery tickets and scamming the bank.
> 2) The OW, and all the years he's dedicated to her.
> ...


 Thank you so much for saying this I have often considered it scamming the bank also, he has managed to get everything paid with me every year or so catching EVERYTHING up but alone it would take massive responsibility. 
I am sure many of our friends (life long childhood) and family will see this as my fault and not that I kept him afloat to great sacrifice for so long. I dread the fallout but it is the price I will pay for being too ashamed to admit my sacrifices and reality of our life.

NEVER AGAIN
And is this limbo?Maybe the other side starting to show through? I feel in hell still


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## Skrya (Dec 25, 2012)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read-4.html


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/42520-developing-detachment-letting-go.html
I just want to share with you guys this very nice article from livestrong.com. I know this will help!

*DEVELOPING DETACHMENT*
By Jake Lawson 

*What is detachment?*
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving another person "the space" to be herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
* Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.
* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be."
* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.

*What are the negative effects not detaching?*
If you are unable to detach from people, places or things, then you:
* Will have people, places or things which become over-dependent on you.
* Run the risk of being manipulated to do things for people, at places or with things which you do not really want to do.
* Can become an obsessive "fix it" who needs to fix everything you perceive to be imperfect.
* Run the risk of performing tasks because of the intimidation you experience from people, places or things.
* Will most probably become powerless in the face of the demands of the people, places or things whom you have given the power to control you.
* Will be blind to the reality that the people, places or things which control you are the uncontrollables and unchangeables you need to let go of if you are to become a fully healthy, coping individual.
* Will be easily influenced by the perception of helplessness which these people, places or things project.
* Might become caught up with your idealistic need to make everything perfect for people, places or things important to you even if it means your own life becomes unhealthy.
* Run the risk of becoming out of control of yourself and experience greater low self-esteem as a result.
* Will most probably put off making a decision and following through on it, if you rationally recognize your relationship with a person, place or thing is unhealthy and the only recourse left is to get out of the relationship.
* Will be so driven by guilt and emotional dependence that the sickness in the relationship will worsen.
* Run the risk of losing your autonomy and independence and derive your value or worth solely from the unhealthy relationship you continue in with the unhealthy person, place or thing.

*How is detachment a control issue?*
Detachment is a control issue because:
* It is a way of de-powering the external "locus of control" issues in your life and a way to strengthen your internal "locus of control."
* If you are not able to detach emotionally or physically from a person, place or thing, then you are either profoundly under its control or it is under your control.
* The ability to "keep distance" emotionally or physically requires self-control and the inability to do so is a sign that you are "out of control."
* If you are not able to detach from another person, place or thing, you might be powerless over this behavior which is beyond your personal control.
* You might be mesmerized, brainwashed or psychically in a trance when you are in the presence of someone from whom you cannot detach.
* You might feel intimidated or coerced to stay deeply attached with someone for fear of great harm to yourself or that person if you don't remain so deeply involved.
* You might be an addicted caretaker, fixer or rescuer who cannot let go of a person, place or thing you believe cannot care for itself.
* You might be so manipulated by another's con, "helplessness," overdependency or "hooks" that you cannot leave them to solve their own problems.
* If you do not detach from people, places or things, you could be so busy trying to "control" them that you completely divert your attention from yourself and your own needs.
* By being "selfless" and "centered" on other people, you are really a controller trying to fix them to meet the image of your ideal for them.
* Although you will still have feelings for those persons, places and things from which you have become detached, you will have given them the freedom to become what they will be on their own merit, power, control and responsibility.
* It allows every person, place or thing with which you become involved to feel the sense of personal responsibility to become a unique, independent and autonomous being with no fear of retribution or rebuke if they don't please you by what they become.

*What irrational thinking leads to an inability to detach?*
* If you should stop being involved, what will they do without you?
* They need you and that is enough to justify your continued involvement.
* What if they commit suicide because of your detachment? You must stay involved to avoid this.
* You would feel so guilty if anything bad should happen to them after you reduced your involvement with them.
* They are absolutely dependent on you at this point and to back off now would be a crime.
* You need them as much as they need you.
* You can't control yourself because everyday you promise yourself "today is the day" you will detach your feelings but you feel driven to them and their needs.
* They have so many problems, they need you.
* Being detached seems so cold and aloof. You can't be that way when you love and care for a person. It's either 100 percent all the way or no way at all.
* If you should let go of this relationship too soon, the other might change to be like the fantasy or dream you want them to be.
* How can being detached from them help them? It seems like you should do more to help them.
* Detachment sounds so final. It sounds so distant and non-reachable. You could never allow yourself to have a relationship where there is so much emotional distance between you and others. It seems so unnatural.
* You never want anybody in a relationship to be emotionally detached from you so why would you think it a good thing to do for others?
* The family that plays together stays together. It's all for one and one for all. Never do anything without including the significant others in your life.
* If one hurts in the system, we all hurt. You do not have a good relationship with others unless you share in their pain, hurt, suffering, problems and troubles.
* When they are in "trouble," how can you ignore their "pleas" for help? It seems cruel and inhuman.
* When you see people in trouble, confused and hurting, you must always get involved and try to help them solve the problems.
* When you meet people who are "helpless," you must step in to give them assistance, advice, support and direction.
* You should never question the costs, be they material, emotional or physical, when another is in dire need of help.
* You would rather forgo all the pleasures of this world in order to assist others to be happy and successful.
* You can never "give too much" when it comes to providing emotional support, comforting and care of those whom you love and cherish.
* No matter how badly your loved ones hurt and abuse you, you must always be forgiving and continue to extend your hand in help and support.
* Tough love is a cruel, inhuman and anti-loving philosophy of dealing with the troubled people in our lives and you should instead love them more when they are in trouble since "love" is the answer to all problems.

*How to Develop Detachment*
In order to become detached from a person, place or thing, you need to:

First: Establish emotional boundaries between you and the person, place or thing with whom you have become overly enmeshed or dependent on.

Second: Take back power over your feelings from persons, places or things which in the past you have given power to affect your emotional well-being.

Third: "Hand over" to your Higher Power the persons, places and things which you would like to see changed but which you cannot change on your own.

Fourth: Make a commitment to your personal recovery and self-health by admitting to yourself and your Higher Power that there is only one person you can change and that is yourself and that for your serenity you need to let go of the "need" to fix, change, rescue or heal other persons, places and things.

Fifth: Recognize that it is "sick" and "unhealthy" to believe that you have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal or rescue another person, place or thing if they do not want to get better nor see a need to change.

Sixth: Recognize that you need to be healthy yourself and be "squeaky clean" and a "role model" of health in order for another to recognize that there is something "wrong" with them that needs changing.

Seventh: Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility and not blame others for the way you feel.

Eighth: Accept personal responsibility for your own unhealthy actions, feelings and thinking and cease looking for the persons, places or things you can blame for your unhealthiness.

Ninth: Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling are "sick" behaviors and strive to extinguish these behaviors in your relationship to persons, places and things.

Tenth: Accept that many people, places and things in your past and current life are "irrational," "unhealthy" and "toxic" influences in your life, label them honestly for what they truly are, and stop minimizing their negative impact in your life.

Eleventh: Reduce the impact of guilt and other irrational beliefs which impede your ability to develop detachment in your life.

Twelfth: Practice "letting go" of the need to correct, fix or make better the persons, places and things in life over which you have no control or power to change.

*Steps in Developing Detachment*
Step 1: It is important to first identify those people, places and things in your life from which you would be best to develop emotional detachment in order to retain your personal, physical, emotional and spiritual health. To do this you need to review the following types of toxic relationships and identify in your journal if any of the people, places or things in your life fit any of the following 20 categories.

*Types of Toxic Relationships*
* You find it hard to let go of because it is addictive.
* The other is emotionally unavailable to you.
* Coercive, threatening, intimidating to you.
* Punitive or abusive to you.
* Non-productive and non-reinforcing for you.
* Smothering you.
* Other is overly dependent on you.
* You are overly dependent on the other.
* Other has the power to impact your feelings about yourself.
* Relationship in which you are a chronic fixer, rescuer or enabler.
* Relationship in which your obligation and loyalty won't allow you to let go.
* Other appears helpless, lost and out of control.
* Other is self-destructive or suicidal.
* Other has an addictive disease.
* Relationship in which you are being manipulated and conned.
* When guilt is a major motivating factor preventing your letting go and detaching.
* Relationship in which you have a fantasy or dream that the other will come around and change to be what you want.
* Relationship in which you and the other are competitive for control.
* Relationship in which there is no forgiveness or forgetting and all past hurts are still brought up to hurt one another.
* Relationship in which your needs and wants are ignored.

Step 2: Once you have identified the persons, places and things you have a toxic relationship with, then you need to take each one individually and work through the following steps.

Step 3: Identify the irrational beliefs in the toxic relationship which prevent you from becoming detached. Address these beliefs and replace them with healthy, more rational ones.

Step 4: Identify all of the reasons why you are being hurt and your physical, emotional and spiritual health is being threatened by the relationship.

Step 5: Accept and admit to yourself that the other person, place or thing is "sick," dysfunctional or irrational, and that no matter what you say, do or demand you will not be able to control or change this reality. Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you. All others are the unchangeables in your life. Change your expectations that things will be better than what they really are. Hand these people, places or things over to your Higher Power and let go of the need to change them.

Step 6: Work out reasons why there is no need to feel guilt over letting go and being emotionally detached from this relationship and free yourself from guilt as you let go of the emotional "hooks" in the relationship.

Step 7: Affirm yourself as being a person who "deserves" healthy, wholesome, health-engendering relationships in your life. You are a good person and deserve healthy relationships, at home, work and in the community.

Step 8: Gain support for yourself as you begin to let go of your emotional enmeshment with these relationships.

Step 9: Continue to call upon your Higher Power for the strength to continue to let go and detach.

Step 10: Continue to give no person, place or thing the power to affect or impact your feelings about yourself.

Step 11: Continue to detach and let go and work at self-recovery and self-healing as this poem implies.

"Letting Go"
* To "let go" does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else.
* To "let go" is not to cut myself off; it's the realization I can't control another.
* To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
* To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
* To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another; it's to make the most of myself.
* To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
* To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
* To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
* To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
* To "let go" is not to be protective; it's to permit another to face reality.
* To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
* To "let go" is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
* To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
* To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
* To "let go" is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
* To "let go" is to fear less and love myself more.

Step 12: If you still have problems detaching, then return to Step 1 and begin all over again


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## Skrya (Dec 25, 2012)

Thank you for posting this Acabado. Much of it resonates strong right now for me. I think I may have to go back to step one a few times. It's a tall order but I see it also as the natural course I've taken the long painful way to.










http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read-4.html


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## Skrya (Dec 25, 2012)

I found this post elsewhere by a WS and it was a bit of an eyeopener about what R should and should not be:




EI said:


> You're welcome and I do hope that it might help you in some way.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## Skrya (Dec 25, 2012)

He posted a little saying on fb:
"The problem isn't the problem your attitude about the problem is, do you understand" 

I got up he's washed dishes and is doing his laundry (usual slam stuff cause he resents me not doin it now) I had a moment of hope. (I know stoopid girl).

I said I couldnt believe he was posting what we had really been fighting about all this time that all he ever had to do was look at he carried the same attitude and it got ugly fast.
He had no appreciation for me living with him but not for him being a solution or reasonable after his behavior only another way I am trying to make him look like the bad guy.

Guess I should have seen it as the tactic shift that it was and not his willingness to take a tad of responsibility. (wich he would do if we just didn't have to talk about it WTF












http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read-4.html


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Dang girl that is a whole lot of ugly going on there. I got lost a little but caught up in the end. IMHO I would have walked. Sometimes it aint worth it. You seem pretty level headed. This will take a toll on you it did me, in some respects. Got sick really bad. Took about three months for full recovery. It seems like this guys has zero respect for you and the things that you do for him. Definition of insanity to a tee. Gambling is no joke, it destroys just as bad as a drug addiction or any other addiction. I have a lot of empathy for you and your situation. One day at a time girl, best of luck.


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## Bee2012 (Dec 8, 2012)

Best of luck to you. Been there too. Got down to 89 pounds (am a shorty), and couldn't eat or sleep. Had to decide not to let two people have that much power over me! It's hard. The 180 really helps. I did it for myself. Now I am about to go through a D. It prepared me for that too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Skrya (Dec 25, 2012)

*HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERONE !!!!!*

There has been a change but I am unsure what it quite is

We are in separate rooms , Separate bathrooms as well. I did linens (mine) the other day I used to do linens and rugs. I got my rug ( yes from the good ole single days) from his bathroom and washed it and put it in mine. In the process of this I realized I wanted my shower head so I put his old one back and took it and my accessory rack also. I had been months without these while he used them.

Last night he comes into the kitchen makes a big show of looking for food and huffs out. I did not follow or ask. (Very different for me )

He comes back in when I've almost finished making my salad so I offered him one, he huffs out again and I finish salad. I take salad to my room and grab my cup but out the door to refill it and he is on his way to me.

Says he would "like to eat too but is scared to touch anything" I just look at him like he's as crazy as he is and go fill my glass. I turn and he's right there so I said Why?

Long speech short anything he touches I pack up so he can't use it. I have to play 20 questions to get him to tell me what's going on and about the time he usually turns it to I'm interrogating him he starts talking about no bath rug or shower rack. 

How he has provided all these years and now I am taking it all if he touches it. I just told him he was wrong took my drink and went and ate my salad.He was waiting when I took my plate in he's looking around the kitchen like he's terrified there's a snake in the next thing he touches so I just told him he had no problem with me being without those things for almost a year and starving to take care of himself and eat something Dammit and went back to my room.

He followed!!:wtf: can't get two seconds for a heart attack cause he's busy stuffin his face to get out the door faster but now he's too upset to eat? Tables are shifting maybe? maybe an act since the show in the kitchen..idk...idc

He is too scared to touch anything or I'll take it after how long he's provided for us. I asked him you mean all those 1,2,5,10,20,50 100$ items I brought in from my apartment, I then explained that household stuff was bought but whenever he gets said denominations he choose to purchase gambling devices instead and I shouldn't have to give him mine for his unwise choices. 

He locked up and went and sat on his bathroom counter for almost 2 hours. I went in once and asked if he would like to split an omelet but he would not answer me just shrug so I went and played a video game.

Later I am looking for something to make for dinner and he comes in just as normal as before and pinches my rear kisses my neck takes me in his arms from behind and hugs me and asks if I would like a mcrib cause they only come around once in awhile. I felt like a **** but I asked if it was free. He said what and I said I dont want when I need something this to be on the list of what you do for me instead of addressing my need. He leaves in silence and comes back (over an hour later form a 3 mile trip) with 2 mcribs.

He unbags them and hands me one but says nothing. I thank him and bless them then we eat on the couch in front of t.v. but next to each other. He starts talking about the mcrib then news , work , weather ect... We go to our beds after some tv and it was a comfortable evening but impersonal.

Is this how doing a 180 makes it? I almost always leave it about an hour and then feel bad so I go try to explain,comfort,nag or ***** but I'm just going on and now he's acting very wounded and moping and spending more time pointing out anything he feels I am doing to him.



I honestly doubt it is a lack of respect for me in specific, I am really starting believe that he has no values or idea of what respect is.

Not 2 weeks after his best friend died he was humping his wife. I got so mad at him and took the stance that she was not responsible that he had taken advantage of her period.

He never admitted that because he has no concept of how stuff messes us up emotionally, he won't even peek. Just ok can we eat now no matter what unless it's him.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Things appear to be changing no?

Do you think it's progress?


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## Skrya (Dec 25, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Things appear to be changing no?
> 
> Do you think it's progress?


 Unknown he was talking about some governor who had an affair while his wife had cancer (our situation) and how nobody would separate his personal life from his public life like they should and that his wife was to blame for bringing it to light.
Not his actions that she told but her telling..not an argument but VERY close to some nerves. I feel he used this on purpose and that he is now starting to mention things as close to denying responsibility as he can to try to justify himself. After this long fighting for I don't know that I have energy to try to get him to man up but he sure is acting weird.
Not much is different with how far the 180 has changed except I don't avoid telling him I live with him and not for him same as he does me whenever he wants privileges that come from a two way street (i.e. my bath mat for his bathroom or me to do his laundry while I pay my own way and he does none of my "chores" emotional or personal)
Something is changing but I have hoped too many times to hope for the good without see it AND seeing it will stick.
Still would do no good without responsibility and disclosure.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

The 180 is for your benefit - not his or the marriage. 
It should have the effect of protecting your emotions and not being vulnerable to emotional blows/attacks. 

The conversation above is a failing at 180. It's a sort of modified 180. Conversation about non-essential things can lead to conflicts and defeats the purpose. 

You can set goals for him like: Tell me the truth about xxx (he should write it out).

Or this: "We have nothing to discuss until you xxxx" (something that will give you peace or information you need/want)

The full 180 may well 'turn him off' or follow you around like a puppy.


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## Skrya (Dec 25, 2012)

This is all confusing. He is not willing to see any need I have as anything but an imposition. Him wanting to continue on and ignore the problems is the only choice I have.

I am just having to try to recover from settling in and total investing here and looking to a time when I can look for resolution to pain is where I am at with or without him.

So am I doing the 180 wrong by just living with him instead of for him? I feel that ignoring him or being blatantly rude would be more me resorting to his tactics and I am truly stuck for awhile here before I can even consider moving. 

I was so sure that if he stopped his involvement with OW it would all get better so this aftermath fall out is surprising and confusing.Problem is he thought the same and expects it because he isn't doing anything wrong now. I feel battered with faking it and keeping all this to myself or get blasted for messing it all up if I mention my discomfort and try to find a way to start getting past it.


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## Skrya (Dec 25, 2012)

I did also understand that I am doing the 180 for me and not to get him to do anything I just did not expect it to have ANY reaction because he was willing to walk with finality before when I had an issue to discuss. 

I am reaping the benefits, I ate a salad not in tears or stressed. The 180 for me isn't something I'm forcing myself to do it's a necessity if I am ever going to free of emotional dependance on him and I find it easier to just go on. I just don't understand him reacting to me taking responsibility for my healing. He didn't want it.

Somehow me assuring I am not in a situation where he would be needed to show responsibility is causing him to react. I just don't understand why. I cannot trust him if he will not rebuild that trust with me but protecting myself hasn't been my strong point. It's why the 180 is working for me. But to just ignore it is what he has wanted until now when that is fine with me.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Ignoring problems is his way of handling things.
Very sad. Heal yourself - continue to detch from him emotionally.


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## Skrya (Dec 25, 2012)

Very simple and elegant answer. Thank you so much for the support. I am going to start looking for ways to cope when planning to leave. I may still be here half a year or more but if he knew I may was planning to leave he'd probably do even more damage on purpose. I never thought he was spiteful in all these years.

Sad part is after 13 years I just don't know him and I'm getting a bit long in the tooth. May or may not have 13 years to see if anyone else can be known. I feel the first stirrings of anger at that. He took 13 years and let me waste it on a lie that he wants me to continue to do and never even know what that lie was. 

I am going to need some counseling but I fear the stronger he sees me get the more reaction I will get. I have been thinking and he being so willing to take credit that he has not earned may help here. I hate it but I am going to seek ic and tell him it is for my delusions of jealousy and problem with control. Maybe if he thinks it is for his benefit he will even help me attain it instead of making me more miserable. 

I HATE GAMES!!  FK what 2 do?


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

You are staying with him for what reason? I am not being rude, I just want to know why?


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## Skrya (Dec 25, 2012)

I just read a thread where WW and hubby are R and the expression of love I find something I bury as it brings to the verge of tears.

I stayed before the last week or so because I wanted believe he would want to repair the trust and relationship. Over the course of this post I realize he has made no single effort to even acknowledge anything is needed and that I am under attack for not trusting and not being able to believe when he not doing anything wrong now.

This is something that has dawned strongly over the time I have been posting and reading here. I am unable to leave unless I walk with what I can carry and nowhere to go.

I sold my car about a year after I came home so about 4 years ago to pay 3 years of back taxes that would have put the house for sale for taxes. He said he completely forgot the taxes existed. I was staying at home cutting down trees and grading so I didn't really need it and we had one. I just got my licenses again as I had not bothered to renew them.When the ac unit broke oh there's another 1800. The savings are gone now too.

Anything that was mine that I was paying tapered off over time. I over invested here because I believed it to be my future and that we were one. I chose him over me every time and now I have a few things to straighten out before I am financially strong enough to even get transport or an apartment.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I know, we all know, that you have been dealing with a man who has been dishonest, disloyal, & disrespectful to you. 

You have invested a lot of time, effort, and money into this relationship. You have finally had enough and want change. You have come to accept that if change is to occur it must be you that drives it.

But you worry that the time you have invested was wasted and are concerned about a possible future that may be lonley.

Well Skrya, it's your attitude that will be your greatest asset. You have a good attitude even now in these difficult times. I'm going to share a phrase with you that has helped me to remember that I have strength and has kept my attitude positive in times of trouble. I hope you don't think it's trite this is it:

"If it is to be -it is up to ME"

Think about it. It can be a useful affirmation. A reminder that you have the capacity to initiate and carry out difficult tasks or to go through difficult periods. No one else can do that. Not the way you can.

You asked: "FK what to do?"

You know what to do. It's part of the answer to DavidWYoung's question.

Skrya, Is it to be?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Who does the house belong to?

Can you stay with your mother for a while?

You seem to have a knack for outdoor work as well as domestic work. Search the net or papers in your area for work like that that includes room and board.


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## Skrya (Dec 25, 2012)

I was disabled by a spine tumor last year, I had been getting sick for some time before this all started. I cannot stay with my mother she has 2 too many in her home now and unless I have to I will not burden her further. 

At the beginning of next month I go have another another mri and hopefully the seeding has worked well enough that my heart can be treated but the tumor was primary. It may well still need removal.. unsure until I get more testing but the heart attack is how it was found. The testing along the way has seemed very positive but I now need a dental root canal and filling as I am in a large pain from a tooth. idk how it is all going to work but it will I just have to stay as unstressed as I can, pay all I can to fix credit (4 payments to go on last one) and pray alot..lol

I do have a knack for earth and plants..it is one of my greatest loves and comforts in life but I have been unable to do this for over a year.

When we bought the home 11 years ago neither of us had good enough credit so we combined to build one strong enough to get it alone as this would be faster with his higher income it was him. This has been the way it's been done the whole time and then he stays behind from gambling and we spend a few months doing without to pay all the back bills then he gambles us behind..repeat

I really believe that an old ex looking for a provider throwing herself at him had alot of appeal since we were fighting about where was the money going for over a year by the time I caught onto the affair so it all blew at once. Just in April when I got my back pay I payed 2 months house that was behind and the next one due and all of the bills even and 1800 to his parents for him using them as a atm machine. I believed it was the stress from all of it that made him susceptible and may still do but up untill the last couple of weeks I really believed it could be repaired. I am sad to leave my home and all the years of labor here but it is not what is holding me right now. I need to take my time and get on steady footing with my health and my finances while I have the chance still. It is what I should have done all along and what someone who loves you would want for you. To be strong enough to stand if you lost them by whatever means. He just does not love me. His loss.

My heart aches at the thought of that man I loved so much and if he did those actions fine but this monster that wants the life like I am unhurt even though it hurts me more is the same ass that put what he wanted above all else and caused this mess. There is truth in fearing a lonely life but not because I was lonely when I was alone, I loved it but because I have never loved enough to be willing to forgive I just walked.


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## Skrya (Dec 25, 2012)

Wow maybe they saved my life :scratchhead: If I had not of been so stressed then I wouldn't have had the heart attach and the money stress well he was trying to save me but I just gave more and didn't stress enough:sleeping: Yeap you see it WAS all about me and stressing me enough to get me in the er so the doc could find the tumor...why have I been so unkind to them. 

you guys are life savers. I cannot believe all these feelings happen so often. I wish I could hug up EVERY person ever hurt by this type of betrayal and make it better and in a way a tiny squeeze is in every post no matter how brutal and honest od comforting..the effort and understanding:toast:


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You are making way, way too many assumptions as to what would happen if you were to stand up for yourself. You assume that you must leave, that you must relinquish any claim to all you have invested over the years. Pardon my French, but FVCK THAT! you aren't the addict, you aren't the cheater. Use the internet to find a shark of a divorce lawyer and see if you can get a consult to see where you really stand. You will probably be entitled to spousal support. You will probably get the house. If he defaults on his support, they will start to take it directly from his job, before he gets a chance to piss it away.

You need to stop engaging him completely, unless he needs to pay for something. Other than that, nothing. Nothing. It's his choice to treat you like he did, and it is your choice to stop taking it! He will not change unless it hurts more to stay the same than to change. Even then, you'd have to be worried if he would revert back to the same old, same old.

So find the shark, and figure out where you stand. You don't have to take the **** he has been shovelling.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Skrya. If I may ask a lady what age bracket are you in. The reason I ask is how much longer can you take this kind of punishment. Your health is in question, your relationship is fragmented and it appears you are the only one that cares. You are in a tough spot for sure. I have been where you are. For my sanity and for my health and future, I could no longer provide the strength to keep a marriage afloat. I didn't give up, I was unhappy and one morning I said to myself "I can't take not being loved and appreciated anymore".

I paid for it and will continue for the next 5 years. This is a small price to pay for my health, my sanity and my life. I am not where you stand, I don't live this day to day. I can not say what it is you are feeling, or what is the right way to turn. But like most others that have chimed in, it is about happiness. I remember my dad in his last hours said to me, be good son and be happy. I said to him I will try to be just like you pop.

I know it will be a movement of heaven and earth for you to get to your "Utopia" but you survived so far, you sound like strong woman, most woman are. Go find your happiness when you can, however you can...... I hope I can remotely help you in your time of need. Best of luck.... I mean that


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## Skrya (Dec 25, 2012)

Thank you, I am 42. All we have made is in his name solely. Consultation with an attorney will take more unavailable resources. I may can fight it but I am willing to let it go to use all resources to build myself new. I do not want to loose all but to fight for it may tie me up for years and if I were to spend that same energy building then I would not be as far along but it will be a new acquisition which letting it all go doesn't sound so bad at this point. It's been a bad week and now the weekend. I hope he makes plans and is out and about instead of here. 

I believe the stress has caused me much damage. This is my second relationship that died at year 13. Last time I did walk with what I could carry and I will not that mistake again. I put myself as powerless when I trusted him to be in control of our progress instead of as freestanding together now it is time I strengthen myself. I feel I must do it this way if I am to not repeat my mistakes (again)

The love I have for him is not conditional on what I have from him and I wish he could mend his ways to responsible so he will be able to maintain but I no longer see him as my responsibility. He had a room mate that paid a large portion of his bills when I was gone and hopefully he will find the same but it is not for me to show him this because he would steam with resentment over me building a life.

I cannot fight without wasting resources that I feel are better spent on building as I am sure he would draw it out and cause as much damage as possible. This is my way of letting go I think but I also must use these years of labor as a starting point for something better instead of starting flat on my back. I cannot fight him if he stops gambling to attack and take all. I am not willing to risk that his gambling addiction will be stronger than his need to get even.


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## Skrya (Dec 25, 2012)

Maybe it is about control? I can control what I build and resources I develop that he has no claim to? He does say me wanting alibis and facts rather than reasons and excuses is because I won't just let it be past and have to be in control. I must say I want to be in control of and allowed to have boundaries so maybe...idk know anymore but I know if he decided to hit the groundstone he'd just get 3 sharks for my one.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Skrya said:


> Maybe it is about control? I can control what I build and resources I develop that he has no claim to? *He does say me wanting alibis and facts rather than reasons and excuses is because I won't just let it be past and have to be in control.* I must say I want to be in control of and allowed to have boundaries so maybe...idk know anymore but I know if he decided to hit the groundstone he'd just get 3 sharks for my one.


About the bolded. That sounds more like manipulation on his part. He wants to be the one in control. He wants you to put this in the past, because he does not want to admit anything. He is trying to make you feel guilty for the problem he has created.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

I agree with SIW, manipulation and control is not the way a happy and healthy relationship is to remain solid. From what I have gathered from your posts is this is not your first rodeo. At 42, this goes without saying. IMHO for health, and future a few things must change. Your partners addiction and him taking responsibility for his actions. Only then can your relationship can heal and survive.

I went through a myriad of emotions when I was injured. In addition my exw had a potential cancer as her father, and had an elected removal of her stomach. Yes you can live without one but it is not easy. I cared for her, stood by her and did everything I knew how to make it tolerable for her to exist.

In the end, she did not return the same when I couldn't even walk for two months. She was well by then. This broke my heart. I finally had enough of this bs and I went and got HAPPY! This move was not easy.

I just want to end my comments by saying to you, Where does this end?


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## Skrya (Dec 25, 2012)

Only then is not going to happen. He has no desire to repair anything just for me to act like nothing is wrong to the point of degragation and accusations. A master at blame shifting.

I have honestly come to believe that some manipulators don't do it out of malice and don't even have to give conscious thought to it because it has become a part of who they are.

He has garnered much leeway even from me because he speaks so slow but I see that this has enabled him in so many ways. His sister's opinion on what has been going on was it wasn't wrong because there wasn't going to be a "AP name here" as he had no intention of being with her.

However when asked how she would feel if her hubby did this , "he wouldn't do that" but mine meant nothing by it.

With that type of support he could do anything because him too innocent to mean it like that. Really is a case of super popular , cute, spoiled so bad whole life that he could kill and his family would ask what did she do to make him or it was an accident. 

Every time anything is brought up he blame shifts, attacks and runs to get his validation of how I'm the one doing this.
His father even talked to me about the gambling once and explained how when you just don't have quite enough to get by sometimes it's ok to buy a ticket to try to get ahead.

I just said I see and left it, I never mentioned the gambling to anyone but his sister when I tried to get her to help end the affair that "can not be happening and I must be reading the signs wrong", he comes in looking like a kicked dog. I went out to smoke but forgot my lighter and heard her say what's wrong and he said (baby talk) "I dawn't know I think I blinked too loud" and she started petting him I just stared at them and shook my head as I went by.

I feel hopeless for this, all I can do is what I can and I cannot change him.


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## Skrya (Dec 25, 2012)

But every so often the panic really sets in..He doesn't love me....it's not just what he did but what he is doing and watching it tear me apart is easier than mannin up.....ugggghhh. I'ma go cry maybe I'll feel better. I really tried this time..first time ever I was willing to work through and he is not. maybe karma but I can't remember what I did that was the equivalent of torture and watching it.. he is a fool. This is my second ltr and i dont want another ever just not worth it


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## Skrya (Dec 25, 2012)

I wanted to update to let everyone know how this turned out.
We had a false reconciliation that lasted almost a year, we went to counseling and got new wedding rings. He went to counseling for gambling for almost a year.

He continued to cheat and gamble while doing the R. I made a point of letting up and it seemed he made a point of being more understanding about my triggers. By the time I stumbled onto it still happening the therapy had shifted to me not being able to let go and go forward because I insisted I didn't know what I was supposed to be letting go of. I had come to believe that my desire to know was me trying to hold onto a "spirit of grief" like Ruth and was feeling guilty despite his unwillingness to repair the damage and his desire to just sweep it under the rug.

When I found out I calmly set about gathering my proof and planning to leave. Over the course of 3 months I did just that. Many of our friends and his family have blasted me for abandoning him "unexpectedly" after "he tried so hard with all the counseling he did for me". 

He stopped making house payments and let it go into forclosure and blamed me for him loosing it even though I paid 9 months total of all the bills and the house payment every year for the prior 3 to him stopping payments ontop of handing him my half of the rent that he never paid. I stopped handing him my half and he complained some about not being able to pay it without "my half" but I just pointed out he rarely paid it anyways. I beleive he thought I would pay it before it went into forclosure. I paid it current the day I left or it would have been 3 months behind and headed there. He never payed another cent other than to get an attorney to postpone the forclosure and he lived there rent free for an extra 5 months after wich he moved into his sisters home.

My health took a turn for the worse and I honestly believed it was the stress but it has turned into a long standing heart condition that I will deal with permenantly. I was under constant assault for "abandoning him" and him "loosing his home over my wild spending" over his lies and blameshifting. That caused immense stress and took a toll on my health and recovery also but nowhere near as much as d-day after the false R.

I am now in a tiny apartment with my dog and happier than I was in our large luxerious home, I cannot drive yet but maybe within the next year, I will not endanger others so I'll be patient.

After I left he ofc entered into a real relationship with his AP that lead to him seeing he was just seen as a paycheck and landed him on my doorstep. I was not having it. At this time contact is sparse and he tries to inject things into what is there but I don't bait to him. My health continues to improve and I am just taking it easy and recovering my strength. I attend counseling and try to keep from dwelling on the mess. I honestly don't love him anymore but I feel an insane amount of pity for him and would not be bothered to help him in a dire circumstance even if it was of ease. I have let go and am getting me back. I rarely think of him and for the most part only when I am very lonely or horny. I have no desire to date at this time even though friends and family are getting pushy about it.

I know were the tables turned and his health the one to go that I would have helped him so in a wierd way I am glad it was mine so I am free. Wierd but it is what it is.

I hope you are all well also. <3


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Glad that you are getting your life back and are out of the mess!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

*By the time I stumbled onto it still happening the therapy had shifted to me not being able to let go and go forward because I insisted I didn't know what I was supposed to be letting go of. I had come to believe that my desire to know was me trying to hold onto a "spirit of grief" like Ruth and was feeling guilty despite his unwillingness to repair the damage and his desire to just sweep it under the rug.

When I found out I calmly set about gathering my proof and planning to leave. Over the course of 3 months I did just that. Many of our friends and his family have blasted me for abandoning him "unexpectedly" after "he tried so hard with all the counseling he did for me".*

How many times do folks jump into MC while the WS is still continuing in the A? Here he was still cheating on you, going to MC with you and the therapist has you working on letting go, all the while he has not done one positive thing. And then you get blamed for it. WOW!!!

I am impressed with you. How you calmly got your stuff together and left. Ironic how friends and family blasted you for abandoning a cheating, gambling fool.

Good work and well done.

After the first D-day in late 2011, I went for counseling for myself, I thought I needed to work on my stuff. My counselor ignored the issues I brought to her and kept focusing on my wife. My counselor did not know my wife. I really did not understand why the counselor kept the focus on my wife. She kept saying things like, your wife does not respect you, etc. I guess I sounded pathetic. The counselor kept saying to me, you are not the problem. I was so naïve. My wife did not stop her A and the counselor knew it, just from things I would say. She would say things like, you are a good guy, etc. but your wife seems to have no regard for you. 

Then the folks here on TAM gave me a rude awakening as they saw through it as well.

Again, good job and I hope the best for you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

My best wishes for you and your dog.

Your ex? He'll have to work on his own best wishes!


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