# Hello



## osk123

Hi everyone I've been a lurker for some time. I will post my story and the mistakes I did.

I have self-esteem issues and usually am alone. My last gf was 10 years ago and im on my 30's. So some time ago I met this girl, who had addictions. I tried to help her out, took her to rehabs and was the "nice guy" or kisa. Always there for her, we were never officially gf/bf so I don't know it it counts as infidelity, but we lived together.

She told me about her past and abuses she suffered, how her last husband was abusive, mostly psychologic abuse with some physical. So they separated and a couple of months later I appear. Always there for her, helping her through rough times. We started to hook up, but never said anything about a relationship. Couple of months later we move together. And then I told her about my feelings and she said she had feeling for me too, but we left it at that.

All this time, I basically became a doormat. Always at her service and forgot all my values. I allowed her to do things that were against my values. We didn't have much sex, I didn't want to use her and to be honest she made me feel like she wasn't into it. And I have a high sexual drive. Less than a handful times is what I got in many months.

That kinda hurt my ego, but I let it pass as long as she was staying on the primary goal of getting clean. I tried to motivate her, to do fun stuff, but she wasn't into it. I always had to push her to do them. One day I peeked at her phone and saw her messaging other guys and sexting. Well my already low ego, sank even deeper. She started to talk to her ex and hooked up with him, they fought and she came back. I suck it up so she could get clean.

I was hurt and couldn't look at myself. I'm I a cuckold ?. So we were still leaving together and one day she comes and tells me she is leaving, she left with the guy that hurt her. And Im here hurt. Funny thing is at least I'm not scared of being alone. My plan is to cut all contact with her. At least I can save some decency. With him, she was always ready to do things, with me it was a drag. Thank you for reading.


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## EleGirl

Welcome to TAM!


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## Tron

By most indicators she just isn't that into you. Why do you think that is?

And perhaps more importantly, when you tired of this woman wiping her dirty feet on you, you will tell her to hit the road. My suggestion is to box up her crap and do it today.


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## StarFires

Hi there, Osk123. I should preface my response by letting you know I don't mince my words and I'm terrible at sugar coating. I don't mean any harm, but if you might find some hard facts hurtful, then ignore my post and don't read it.

You're a self-proclaimed nice guy with self-esteem issues, who hasn't had a girlfriend in 10 years. Women don't like that kind of guy. It doesn't matter how nice you are, being that kind of nice guy will only get you used. If you just can't understand why she goes back to her ex, it's because he's not a nice guy, doesn't have self-esteem issues, and can probably get any girl he wants.

I don't have any problem with a guy being vulnerable sometimes but if that is his state of being, no woman can respect that, and we need a man we can respect. An unconfident nice guy might be okay as a friend, but even that becomes tedious after a while, and we don't want to have to be in charge all the time. We want, and need, to be led and we need our man to be capable of leading us and confident enough to know where's he going since we're the ones following him. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Also, you're too inexperienced in the sexual escapades department to know about pleasing a woman. That takes know-how and some practice, but you haven't gotten much of either, and no woman wants to feel like her purpose in the session is to service you. Nobody likes feeling used or objectified, so she gave you pity sex and gave it to you as seldom as she could justify.

You need help but you're going to have to seek help on your own. I had a boyfriend once tell me he needed help. He was just like you, and I was up to my eyeballs with impatience and boredom. I didn't have any sympathy for him suggesting I should teach him to be a confident man. We don't want to teach something like that. You are not our children. And I couldn't see that any assistance from me would be constructive since he wasn't willing to apply himself anyway. So don't depend on a woman to understand how your lack of confidence and inability to make love to her properly. Learn about what women need in a man and then become that person if you want women to want to be with you. And learn about how to pleasure a woman in bed so she will like it because liking the experience with you will make her want to have that experience with you.

I'm sure others will be here to give you some book suggestions, and here's one, *No More Mr. Nice Guy*, I know will be very helpful to you.

For some pointers in sexual techniques, read *my response here* to become familiar with a woman's body and her erogenous zones. But it's only some pointers, so you should do more reading and learning new skills and to gain confidence in what you're doing. When you're with a woman, you have to apply those skills and techniques just like you know what you're doing because she won't appreciate you being tentative or hesitant or fumbling around her body. She might help out a little bit, but don't expect that because not all women enjoy, or are not confident enough themselves, to assist you.

As for girlfriend. Forget about her, and that includes when she comes running back to you because I don't doubt she will be back soon enough. But don't let her in to use you anymore. Find yourself a nice girl who isn't a junkie and isn't hooked on some other guy.


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## osk123

I know I had to get my balls back and I did. I mean i never begged her to not leave and you are right I'm tired of her, I was tired of being used and this is probably my biggest regret, not standing up sooner and let her walk all over me.


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## Marduk

First of all, hello!

Secondly, I'm slipping a gear here trying to figure out how you can live with someone and not be "official." How?


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## osk123

Thank you for not sugar coating it. And you are right I have to change that mentality "being too nice" got me nothing. I need to fix my self.


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## osk123

Marduk said:


> First of all, hello!
> 
> Secondly, I'm slipping a gear here trying to figure out how you can live with someone and not be "official." How?


Roommates with benefits I guess lol.
i know pretty pathetic now that I write it and try to explain.
She didn't have a place to stay so, me being an idiot offer her to stay.


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## Marduk

osk123 said:


> Roommates with benefits I guess lol.
> i know pretty pathetic now that I write it and try to explain.
> She didn't have a place to stay so, me being an idiot offer her to stay.


Ugh. Sorry, man. I remember having this fling with this girl that would come over to my place, get naked, make out with me for a bit, and then NOT have sex with me. She'd just go to sleep in my bed and kind of stay for the weekend.

After that happened a couple of times, I found some of her clothes in my closet and her toothbrush in my bathroom.

When she came over and tried that again, I just told her that my place wasn't a hotel. If we weren't having sex that was fine, but she was going to leave. Then I folded her clothes, put her toothbrush on top of them, and walked her to the door. She put her clothes on and left, calling me an *******. An ******* I might be, but a doormat I am not.

Given you are here and you are single, how can we help?


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## jlg07

You are correct in what you have to do. CUT all ties with her, and when she comes crawling back, do NOT accept her back into your life. Get some counseling to help with your self-esteem/kisa tendencies.
Also, get to a gym, start working out (which will ALSO help your self esteem!)


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## osk123

Marduk said:


> Ugh. Sorry, man. I remember having this fling with this girl that would come over to my place, get naked, make out with me for a bit, and then NOT have sex with me. She'd just go to sleep in my bed and kind of stay for the weekend.
> 
> After that happened a couple of times, I found some of her clothes in my closet and her toothbrush in my bathroom.
> 
> When she came over and tried that again, I just told her that my place wasn't a hotel. If we weren't having sex that was fine, but she was going to leave. Then I folded her clothes, put her toothbrush on top of them, and walked her to the door. She put her clothes on and left, calling me an *******. An ******* I might be, but a doormat I am not.
> 
> Given you are here and you are single, how can we help?


That was my fear I guess being call an ***** . I don't want to be a doormat anymore. I guess to vent, and share my pathetic experience, so another "me" reads it and saves him or herself from the troubles I got into.


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## Marduk

osk123 said:


> That was my fear I guess being call an ***** . I don't want to be a doormat anymore. I guess to vent, and share my pathetic experience, so another "me" reads it and saves him or herself from the troubles I got into.


It's one thing to be an ******* because you're just an *******. It's another to be an ******* because you're being disrespected.

If I have to choose between being disliked and disrespected, I know which one I'd choose.

As for being pathetic, do you think you're the first guy that did stupid things to get laid? I could tell you literally dozens of stupid pathetic things I've done because a woman was hot. I'm sure most guys here have.


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## osk123

jlg07 said:


> You are correct in what you have to do. CUT all ties with her, and when she comes crawling back, do NOT accept her back into your life. Get some counseling to help with your self-esteem/kisa tendencies.
> Also, get to a gym, start working out (which will ALSO help your self esteem!)


I know I have to start going to the gym, I was a regular at the gym but stopped 2 years ago. Even in shape I was feeling low on self-esteem. I have to fix that. I went once to a psychiatrist he just gave me pills and made me drowsy I guess for social anxiety. I prob need to get congitive therapy. Problem is I don't have insurance. I will save some money so I start working on this problem. 

I know she probably will want to come back. Not gonna lie some part of me wants that, but I know with the little self respect I have left, I have to let her go and not engage with her. (well the good thing about this, my neighbors don't think I'm gay anymore, not that I care lol)


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## jlg07

" I went once to a psychiatrist he just gave me pills and made me drowsy I guess for social anxiety. I prob need to get congitive therapy. Problem is I don't have insurance. I will save some money so I start working on this problem. "
You should go to a Psychologist/therapist, NOT a psychiatrist. THEY work with drugs to help combat chemical imbalances, etc. -they are geared for proscribing drugs. Therapists are there to talk, help you with coping mechanisms, therapies like DBT, DBT, EMDR, etc..

Also, get out of your own head -- stop being alone and start meeting people. Go to meetup.com -- there are LOTS of really diverse groups that do all sorts of stuff. Find an interest and start going to the meetups. You may be nervous, but a lot of folks there will be also -- meeting new folks isn't always easy, but you need to get out and make some friends. People are social animals (even those who are loners sometimes do need contact with others...) -- get out there!


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## Tilted 1

Wow, this just blows my mind, You hookup with a married woman who had just left her husband 2 months, not divorce and then claim good guy status. Is she divorce yet? Why would you expect something more know what she has been through and where she is currently in her own mind. Let it go and move on.


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## StarFires

osk123 said:


> (well the good thing about this, my neighbors don't think I'm gay anymore, not that I care lol)


LOL So funny.



osk123 said:


> I went once to a psychiatrist he just gave me pills and made me drowsy I guess for social anxiety. I prob need to get congitive therapy. Problem is I don't have insurance. I will save some money so I start working on this problem.


You might consider looking into some natural/herbal remedies. I googled "natural remedy for low self-esteem" and t*his site* was one of the results.

Since you don't have insurance, maybe look to find a state-funded family resource center. They have counselors and doctors available to talk to or write prescriptions. Every state has them and they are free to the public. You just have to find out the location nearest you. Google "your state name family resource centers" such as "nebraska family resource centers" if Nebraska is the state you live in. And then start making the calls.


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## SunCMars

All in all you did good. 

You tried to help her and succeeded. You kept her afloat for a short while.
You are a good fellow. 

You made love to her a few times. That is a plus.

She gave you something of herself, basically, all that was left, as the rest belonged to some other man.

She never made any promises to you, nor did you make any promises to her. 

Relax, all is good.

Look back on this experience with fondness.

................................................................

You don't always get what you want...

Nobody does.




LMc-


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## Tilted 1

But if l am reading your time line wrong. Sorry but if not. Explain if you could some more, why a broken woman would want another relationship while still married.


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## osk123

Tilted 1 said:


> But if l am reading your time line wrong. Sorry but if not. Explain if you could some more, why a broken woman would want another relationship while still married.


She was not married anymore and I didn't know she was married at first. But her husband was abusive, that I confirmed with her family and friends. He did some things that if they are true, they are just pure evil, like the lesser one was to abandon her in the worst area of the state, just because they had an argument. No cellphone, no money, she got beat up and assaulted. Just to mention one of a few examples. 

He was out of the picture when I started hanging out with her, until one day she told me that she was divorced.


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## osk123

SunCMars said:


> All in all you did good.
> 
> You tried to help her and succeeded. You kept her afloat for a short while.
> You are a good fellow.
> 
> You made love to her a few times. That is a plus.
> 
> She gave you something of herself, basically, all that was left, as the rest belonged to some other man.
> 
> She never made any promises to you, nor did you make any promises to her.
> 
> Relax, all is good.
> 
> Look back on this experience with fondness.
> 
> ................................................................
> 
> You don't always get what you want...
> 
> Nobody does.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> LMc-


Thank you for ur wisdom. I appreciate it and yeah I accepted it, I guess the being used feeling and being discarded like a piece of paper was the thing that hurt. I accepted that I have to let go and not look back and learn not to trip with the same stone twice.


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