# Fiance Cheating/Breakdown Alone + PREGNANT!!!!



## SimplyCrushed (Nov 21, 2014)

Have been lurking on here for a few years... REALLY need advice and support. Appreciate you reading in advance.

I'm 34 recently found out I am pregnant and ALONE. I was engaged to a man who has a 7 year old son and has been divorced for 4 years. I was married in my early 20's and my ex and I are on good.

I got engaged almost 1 year ago, we dated for 10 months prior to that and things were really clicking. I made sure that his child was taken care of and that they always had a relationship. His X and I are on good terms.

7 months ago I lost my job and decided to start school and finally get a higher education (Bachelors), we had some money saved and not worried. 

Approx. 10 weeks ago I noticed my fiance being very moody, withdrawn and having serious anxiety attacks. At first I thought that maybe it was just stress about money. But then strange things started happening... mutual cards went missing, he wasn't seeing his son, lots of really odd behavior from him inc super anxiety.

He had anxiety issues and was depressed for most of his life, but this was very unusual as he was not going into work some days. 

Then, out of the blue I get a text from his ex wife- she is worried about me and that my fiance told her I was moving out. She asked if we could speak in private- something told me that would be a good idea... basically she stated that he was having some inappropriate conversations with her (she is engaged + happy, her fiance told her to contact me). 

The things she said floored me. Here we are discussing a wedding, school and a future... and he is going around telling people how unhappy he is, what a terrible person I am. I'm frigid.. we haven't slept together in 3 months + etc etc etc... absolute inappropriate stuff and lies (esp about the sex!)

We hadn't really discussed why they divorced (she assumed I knew) but he was accusing her of the same things. Going as far as to say she was cheating on him and their child wasn't theirs. He controlled what she did, bad mouthed her to mutual friends, didn't see his child etc.

This of course started a (I think) normal conversation with my fiance as to what is really going on, and what we need to do. He took this as threatening, calling me hysterical. I was so upset I took a cab and left. Since I only have a few family members states away I left to stay with a friend.

Needless to say I was sick for days and days... what made things worse is that not only had he done this but started closing mutual accounts, not working... and of course contacting people I know.. NOT mutual friends but my family. The gist of what he was saying is that I am preventing him from being happy and possibly reconciling with his ex wife... these were things my FATHER heard... also that I took all the money, am swearing/harassing him.... INSANE things that are not true. 

Turns out he was seeing someone from work. I don't know her and I am not sure what the extent of their relationship is (EA or PA). I barely got my things out, he stole money, electronics, expensive gifts.. heirloom jewelry from my deceased mother. If I even ask about those things he starts e-mailing people, calling my poor father who is super confused about what this guy is saying (he mentioned I need to be hospitalized!!!!!)

To make matters worse I found out I am pregnant!!! I have a consultation scheduled in a week to see what my options are. He left the apartment and took anything that would make me semi self sufficient. 

I'm not really sure what to do. I can't sleep, eat or think because this makes me sick. I am staying at a friends with the limited amount of money that I have left but we are all in a city with no car or access to good public transportation. I feel like I'm burdening my friend, I have been silent in regards to the things he has been doing but that has not stopped him from harassing me through a third party. 

His ex wife is worried because it looks like he may lose his job. She is thinking about changing visitation (if he sees his child EVER) and I have limited contact with her. In all of this I have stayed vague on my opinion of him- no personal attacks, just worried and confused. This hasn't stopped him from blaming me for their strained relationship and a host of things that are just ridiculous.

It sickens me that during the time this baby was conceived he was sleeping with someone! There is no way for me to get any info because he goes nuts at neutral questions... I don't even know where he lives!

I feel like a sucker. I waited to long and really didn't have any gut reactions before all this. How could I be so blind and what do I do regarding the child? I don't know if I will ever tell him as I can't imagine this type of person in my life forever!

Thanks for reading...


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

I am so sorry you're here, and for all of your pain and stress. I don't have much time but wanted to offer 2 pieces of advice:
1. Do not allow anyone to pressure you in any direction at your appointment. This is your life and your choice, no matter what that choice may be. Listen to yourself above all other voices. 
2. I think it's time to help your family block your wayward fiance's phone number. You may want to do the same. Look into the 180.

Take care of yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

There's a condition called Social Anxiety Disorder (sometimes Social Phobia). Usually, sufferers turn their loathing on themselves,, but not always. Factor in other personality flaws and they'll blame anyone and anything to avoid 'looking bad'.

The biggest clue in your OP is his 'pre-emptive strikes' to make you look bad when it all goes public.

That his fear of shame seems to be the main motivating factor suggests a social phobia of the blaming variety.

Not enough info to be confident about it, but top motivations are usually a good guide.

Google SAD and see if much of it fits. It might be a harder search for the 'blamers' cuz they're not so common.

Learning more of his behaviours will help a lot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What a terrible thing to go through!!

My bet is that he started the affair and then started spreading the lies about you to make excuses for his bad behavior. 

While I usually think that it's not a good idea to not tell a man that he has fathered a child, I think that if you do have this child, the child does not need this crazy man in his life.

Have you checked out the social welfare programs were you live? You should be able to get on EBT, get Medicaid and other programs that exist for an expectant mother.

Are you able to finish this semester at school? Or is that shot now?


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## SimplyCrushed (Nov 21, 2014)

It's really hard because I cut myself off from him and just hear the blow back of the horrible things I have done.

I will look at the social anxiety/phobia but honestly it makes no difference at this point. There is just no excuse to be sleeping with someone else and moving out of a shared apartment.. not even leaving $10 for someone you "love"...

Thank you for the comforting words. The appointment is just a check up.. the baby will or will not be... BUT the biggest thing is figuring out what I do regarding him if I decide to have the baby.

Then of course the "am I crazy" and "how did I do this to myself" thoughts


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## SimplyCrushed (Nov 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> What a terrible thing to go through!!
> 
> My bet is that he started the affair and then started spreading the lies about you to make excuses for his bad behavior.
> 
> ...


I am checking the programs out right now, I know I have never ever qualified (had a good job though).

You are 100% correct that he most likely started some fling and then went crazy trashing me. The telling thing should be that his XW is more concerned about me than him.

Will most likely finish school and see what's next. Appreciate the advice. Am also leaning on the "don't tell him"- not that I have to and I see how many women would make that choice. With his behavior I almost think that he would say this is not his child. Child support/financially he would be paying a good 30% either way (2 kids) and it seems he took money because he is going to get canned.... office affair especially not a good idea when you have your fiances picture up!

I go between mad and floored/sick


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

While you did not qualify for any public assistance when you had a good job, you very well might right now.

I know where I live, a person who is in school and not working does not quality. But when there is a pregnancy, the rules are different. There is great concern about a women getting proper nutrition and medical care so that she has a healthy baby.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Please ensure above all else that you get the proper amounts of rest and nourishment for you and your child. I know this is far easier said than done but you can not afford to cause any further stress on yourself by having a complication during pregnancy. 

Regroup with a friend or family member for the time being just to alleviate the stress of this situation. Do not be afraid to ask for help, this is emotional abuse and the link between the body and the mind and the re-activity between each other during stress is not to take lightly. 

This will also give you time and stamina to plan and think about what you want to do, and what you need to do.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

If you've decided you've had enough, that's fantastic. It wasn't entirely clear.

If he's on his own or with someone else, let them worry about his disorders.

If I were you,, first thing I'd do would be call the cops to get your jewellery back,, and anything else he has. That'll let him know you won't be messed with and any charges will begin undoing your shaming. You'll feel better for a bit of retribution.

Also, there's nothing like a crisis for finding out who your friends are. Good time to purge him and those who believe him. The truth will out.

It won't help much but, degree or no degree, smarter people have been duped into relationships with an àss. If you're not consciously looking for one, they can fake nice better than nice guys do it for real. Try not to be too hard on yourself.

It's beyond my experience what to do with a pregnancy/child in such circumstances so I'll wish you all the best and chicken out now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I'm going to agree with Ele Girl. I would almost never suggest to not tell the father about a child, but this time I think it's a good idea. You need to distance yourself from him as much as possible.A kid will keep him in your life forever. And it doesn't sound like he'd be a good father.

Start looking yesterday into all possible social services. Seek some temp work for now and try and make a stable 'home' for after the baby is born. 

This is going to take great strength and courage- but you can do it. try and create a support group to help you (and be a true friend in return).


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He is a good actor, then he loses the moment and messes his role up.

Seek legal protection from him, report him for the thefts.


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## Mr Right (Oct 5, 2013)

Hi SimplyCrushed,
So sorry you find yourself in this situation, when it comes to having a baby in this situation I'm "Pro Choice" and the decision must be yours and yours alone. IMHO you have a couple of things to think about
1. Do your really want someone like him in your life forever??? 
2. Even if you never tell him and have the baby, these things always get found out!!!

Does your ex BF see a Counselor or some kind of Doctor and does he take Med for his condition (and has stopped taking them)? If so you need to notify them ASAP and see what they can do about it, but don't take it on yourself, it's not your job to save him.

Whatever happens, I wish you luck and hope things will work out for the best for you. Please come back and let us know how you are going from time to time.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Yes report to the police what he stole from you. It may be traced to a pawn shop.

Can you go back to where your parents live?


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## SimplyCrushed (Nov 21, 2014)

Thanks guys.. I was up till almost 6 am and am just all over the place. I know I need to take better care of myself.

He was going back and forth- really irrationally about what he thought and wanted. I had no idea he was seeing someone else until later. In all his back and forth I told him I did not want to be engaged and broke it off... he had already started saying super horrible things about my character then.

I do think I need to report the theft. People that are on my social media and family is getting contacted for no good reason. As you can imagine my friends go from stunned to ticked off because some random guy is messaging them! I took your advice this morning and the police are coming out. My family is FAR away but I heard a few "He will lose his job" and the BEST one "you allowed yourself to be robbed"!!!!!

He is on medication and has been. I understand anxiety and had issues with it, but I know that popping an anti-anxiety pill is a short term solution. With his behavior all over the place I think the anti-anxiety meds make him more impulsive/out of control. I don't think he has a traditional mental illness, he sees a GP and a counselor that is sort of a quack (unproven venting etc)

The reason I went off BC is because we were engaged and we wanted a child in the future. I was also having some bad issues prior to it that may be age related I guess. Certainly was not expecting these results as most of my friends have been trying for 1 year +

I just want to wake up and not have a semi-anxiety attack when I realize what I'm up against!

The idea of moving in with my father is a good one and I was heading out there in a few weeks anyway. I have noticed I have not spent a lot of time with close friends/family.. almost like he was making up arguments as I was supposed to go somewhere. His XW told me he physically deleted a few contacts (GF's) from her phone!

Thank you all.. this makes it better


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Mental illness is very difficult to be around and live with. You need to prioritize quickly and this is difficult if you are not sleeping.

I would get police involved about your stolen items and get a restraining order of protection for yourself. This man is highly unstable right now.

Lean on whoever you can as far as family and friends. 

As far as your pregnancy is concerned, do you want the baby regardless of your marital situation? 

Depending on where you live, it is fairly easy to terminate a pregnancy but don't do this if you are not thinking clearly. If you will have regrets in the future, don't let this one bad life spell make all your decisions. 

Your boyfriend will look crazy all on his own without you explaining everything to everyone. As long as you stay away from him, you will "look" fine in the eyes of others and they will be more inclined to help you.

Family and friends usually don't like to be sucked into drama unless it's their own so you leaving and doing a 180 should gain you support.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well it sounds like you will be much better off without him. It's sad that you went this far with him before you found out what he's really like. But it's not unusual. It often takes a person a long time before they reveal their true self.

If you can move in with family, that would probably be your best bet until you are back on your feet.

Do take care of yourself. The last think you need is to get sick right now.


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## SimplyCrushed (Nov 21, 2014)

Rugs, thank you.

I am torn about the baby. Yes and no... yes because I'm not sure if I will ever be pregnant again (I'm getting older!) and no because I don't want him finding out somehow and asserting "rights". It's not an issue in my state and with the other child that he has I think he would just harass me.

I was deleting some e-mails and one of them berated me for having an interest in his son, and no interest in our relationship. I'm a decent person (I think!) so why would I make his child suffer? I was always on good terms with his ex and she and I worked on making visitation days easier. 
She actually thanked me in an e-mail for doing that for her. Also, she mentioned that he was going nuts and threatening not to see his son, bothering her about minor things 10 times a day etc. Now that I have no contact with him he bothers her or my family. 

Some of this stuff is flat out disturbing. I have thought about a restraining order and spoke with a detective today about the theft. If he calls one more time or e-mails ridiculous things to a 3rd party I'm going to have them come out. He said they will help me have the order done/served at the police station.

I'm scared to go outside. This is partially paranoid I guess.

I'm of the frame of mind that a woman always has the right to terminate, no matter what the situation. Of course it's very hard when you wanted a child. I had all these baby ideas saved online and pre-pregnancy books. 

There is also a possibility of moving abroad, I have some family in different parts of the world. I am also speaking with an attorney on this, although again, my state always supports the mother not father (if not married)

Everyone on here has helped me so much!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SimplyCrushed said:


> I was deleting some e-mails and one of them berated me for having an interest in his son, and no interest in our relationship. I'm a decent person (I think!) so why would I make his child suffer? I was always on good terms with his ex and she and I worked on making visitation days easier.


Why on earth would anyone berate you for being kind to a child? I just don’t get that. What was their point?



SimplyCrushed said:


> Some of this stuff is flat out disturbing. I have thought about a restraining order and spoke with a detective today about the theft.


Document everything you can. If he text’s you. Get a copy of the text. I have a printer that has a saner/copier. So actually photo copied my cell when I had an issue. By photo copying the cell with the message opened, it was easy to see that the threat was a text message and what number it was from. 

If there is anyone who will do it, get others to take screen shots of what he is posting to them, or copies of any texts he’s sending.


SimplyCrushed said:


> I'm scared to go outside. This is partially paranoid I guess.


I think you have good reason to be paranoid about him.


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## SimplyCrushed (Nov 21, 2014)

The phone idea is genius! I will get started tomorrow so I have everything ready in case this gets bad. I have some of the messages he sent my friends and family.

I just went outside to walk "our" dog and saw a truck, I nearly ran back in like a crazy person. Not great!

He had some serious insecurities about our relationship that I knew nothing about. It looks like (from the e-mails) that it was OUR relationship and nothing else for him, not even his child got him thinking about anything else. He was almost jealous of any other thing that was in my life? At least that's what I think.

I feel like a monster for possibly hiding this pregnancy but I don't want to keep going through this with him, his xw was clear that he did this and continued it for a long time when he was lonely.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SimplyCrushed said:


> The phone idea is genius! I will get started tomorrow so I have everything ready in case this gets bad. I have some of the messages he sent my friends and family.
> 
> I just went outside to walk "our" dog and saw a truck, I nearly ran back in like a crazy person. Not great!
> 
> ...


Since he has some other woman right now, you'd think that would keep him from going over board. But maybe not. 

I am sure that you do feel badly about not telling him about the baby. But you are the one person who can protect your baby from him. I don't think you have much choice.

I do feel badly for his other child. Poor kid has to deal with him.


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

In-case you need to go to court.

Make sure that you save all of the e-mails and texts and voice mails that he sends you.


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

_I feel like a monster for possibly hiding this pregnancy_

You have to protect yourself and your baby this is why I suggested saving anything he has sent to you.


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