# Ending a marriage and questioning sexuality



## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

After nearly 13 years of marriage, my husband and I are separating. It's my decision to do so, as he was willing to hang-on to the marriage. 

We survived many things together: good times, crappy times, dysfunctional cycles and a toxic dynamic. We held on, though that isn't saying much. Then, in January of 2015, I met _her_. She was my dental hygienist who stared and touched me inappropriately during my dental cleaning appointment. I remember the feeling of hovering/floating over my body as it was happening and thinking, _"This can't really be happening, can it?" _
It didn't seem like much, because it wasn't overt. She stared at my cleavage and I thought to myself, "She's worse than a man." Then, while in her chair, she repeatedly cleaned her scaper tool thingy really low on my breast, near the nipple. Having had much dental work in that year, I knew that this wasn't the norm, plus it felt very different. She took me to another room and lingered, staring at me. 
I had a follow-up appointment a week later and during that time, my feelings changed. I became very infatuated with her. The feelings of her rubbing her tool very low on me didn't feel good, but it didn't feel bad...it tingled. 

That next appointment when she greeted, she rubbed my shoulder and a bolt of lightning shot through me. After that, I couldn't shake the feelings. I tried. It took me months to even understand how deeply I thought I felt for her. Five months later, I wrote and messaged her (on Facebook) basically a four page admiration letter that now, in hindsight, sounds like a lovesick teenager longing for her teacher. She and I became friends and it was the worst friendship ever. The friendship ended, but the feelings for women never went away. I had met her during a bad time in my marriage. My husband and I hadn't had sex in nine months and it was another blip, albeit a much more longer/solid one, that exemplified our sex life which was firmly stuck in the proverbial toilet. 

The feelings for women have never gone away. 

My husband still begs and pleads with me to stay in the marriage, although I've voiced how unhappy I was and how we need to end it. I'm starting to become angry when he does this and it's a trigger for me. There's anger there. I'll have to sit with those feelings and ascertain WHY I feel triggered when he begs. That's something I'll need to dive into. 

Sometimes, I think maybe I should stay. Maybe I should make him happy and wonder if I'm doing the wrong thing, leaving something I'm comfortable with and is familiar for a lifestyle I have no real idea about. I think I can be happy enough and maybe things can work. Then I think differently. I hate the discussions he and I have that assign blame; who's more at fault today? We're 50/50 at fault. One is not more guilty than the other. I hate to see him in pain and he says that sometimes, he wishes he never met me. 

We're separating this month and beginning to pack up. It doesn't feel real. We're both heartbroken, scared, and lost. Some nights, I wonder how in the hell we ended up here.

I deal with panic, anxiety, and guilt. To accept these relatively newfound feelings for the same sex has not been easy. Therapy visits, hospital visits, doctor visits...thousands of dollars due to anxiety and panic. I feel like I'm barely hanging in there and the crux of the problem is my husband has always been my protector, even in a controlling way, and now, I won't have that. This past week, he's driven me around while I was having a near anxiety attack. He circled around our local hospital for 30 minutes, so I could calm down. This road has not been easy and I see what it's done to the both of us. He's hurting, as am I.

This has been a very difficult road.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Are you posting under a different account? This story sounds familair:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...crush-leaking-into-my-sex-life-w-husband.html


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

That dental hygienist needs to be fired, touching people inappropriately. 
I bet you weren't her only victim. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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