# Can someone give a young and stupid man some advice



## mgman (Mar 8, 2016)

Hi

I know this post is going to make me sound quite a bad person but I'll start by saying I am 29, only had two girlfriends in my life, never had a one night stand and not really had a lot of attention from girls or experiences. I am a good person, but I was affected by my breakup a few years ago and haven't been able to sort myself out since then.

My first relationship was a long one and one where I expected to get married and be together forever and she left unexpectedly and since then I haven't been able to do commitment with anyone.

The past couple of years I have been single, pretty lonely but also concentrated on work /career and doing a lot of chatting to girls online which felt sort of safe. Deep down I felt not ready to be a boyfriend or have a relationship but I am also really lonely and had a date here and there.

I met this one woman online, and she was the complete fantasy. Beautiful, funny, kind and I couldn’t stop thinking about her and having these fantasies of us having this romantic affair. I told her from when we first started talking that I didn’t want a proper relationship but that I thought us being together – even for while – would be really amazing. 

She was a lot older than me (8 years) and because of the age gap and the fact that I didn’t want anything serious she didn’t want to meet me – which I respected about her, but we did become online friends.

Over time we talked and got to know each other, and she was always in the background as the one thing I really wanted but I never put any pressure on her about it and I understood that I wanted casual and she was not a casual kind of woman.

Then my life went a little crazy. My ex came out of the woodwork and wanted to see me for the first time in years. We ended up seeing each other again and it was a really hard and painful time because when we did all the passion and love had gone and I just didn't feel the same about her. That said, her rejection of me stung for so many years that at the same time I kind of enjoyed the fact that she seemed to kind of want me again. I started behaving kind of like a player and texting lots of women online, just to feel better about myself.

Then very unexpectedly, when I was in my worst possible state of mind, the older woman I had met online wanted to meet me. I really never expected that to happen so I was just excited and put no thought into it.

We met, and wow is all I can say. Whatever my fantasy of her was, the real thing was a times better. Being with her made me completely happy and the chemistry and attraction was off the charts crazy good. More than that though, I felt connected to her, wanted to be around her and she made me happy.

At the same times as this happening, my ex was continuing to contact me, and so were all the other girls I had been texting; some I was flirting with and for the first time in my life I guess I felt like women wanted me. Maybe my ego ran away with me a little because I knew it was wrong but just let it continue.

I felt just really confused. The only woman I really wanted to be with was the one I was with, but at the same time due to her age I didn’t see a future and I was also just really scared of getting hurt. I felt pretty sure she ws going to drop me any day for someone better / older nd I knew for a fact every guy wanted her - so I didn't think anything I did matterred so I continued texting the other women behind her back.

I felt guilty, yes, but at the same time it was just messages so it felt like it was okay and we had said we weren't in a proper relationship anyway.

Despite myself, and despite all my intentions for this to be just an affair, I started to fall for this woman very fast. So then to counteract that vulnerability I started to create distance between us. 

I guess I felt I was going to lose her anyway, so behaved in ways to make sure I didn't get too attached. Like making myself unavailable, like not speaking to her as much, like going on dating websites to look for someone else as a backup.

She is a smart and honest women so she called me on it, and I kind of denied it but really I was giving just enough to stop her from walking away and in the end she did walk away. Which I deserved.

I am not proud of how I acted to her.

In my head I was like two people. One that really, really liked this woman like crazy and knew what we had was amazing and that guy was scared to be hurt by her. The other guy was the one who was enjoying all the female attention and wanting to manage her expectations down so she didn't expect me to be her boyfriend.

In the end she caught me surfing a dating website, and that was it for her. She asked me to commit to her and I said I couldn't so now she is gone. 

She hasn't spoken to me for weeks and I feel completely lost without her. I keep checking my phone and hoping she will message me but she hasn't, I keep thinking about just going to see her, I keep falling asleep longing for her and you know I am wondering if maybe all this way I feel about her is that I love her.

I don't know what to do. This woman is not like any other woman and without her my life is just empty.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Well go for it. Grow up. I had been with my wife 9 years by the time I was your age.

Apologize and take full responsibility for being an idiot and treating her like crap.

Don't make excuses, make a life with her. 

Don't go if you can't follow through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mgman (Mar 8, 2016)

Do you think I do love her?

I only loved one woman once before, and that took years before I felt I knew that I loved her.

This one it's really different. How do I know it's not infatuation? This is the part that confuses me.

What I know about what I feel about her is that when i am with her I am happy. I sleep really early compared to usual and feel really relaxed. She's smart, smarter than any woman I have ever met and she's really honest and I want to be better because of her. She's really caring about people and she tends to think a lot about everything which drives me insane but I also love it because it shows she cares about things. When I think about her, the need to see her is like wanting heroin or something, like this amazing need to see her and touch her and I'd travel hours just to touch her. And when I do see her, I swear the entire time I am about to see her, I am so excited I almost black out and then when she touches me it feels like nothing better on earth like being in the perfect place in the perfect time and the thought of NOT seeing her again really upsets me.

Is that being in love?

The thing is, I panic when I get close to her and don't want to hurt her anymore.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You could probably use some IC.

You seem to be getting in your own way.

Love is a choice and she seems like a good choice for a woman to love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Unless you are ready to treat her the way she deserves to be treated, I'd leave her be.


----------



## mgman (Mar 8, 2016)

Being with her properly feels like a massive decision and a big deal to me.

I'm worried about a lot of things.

Hurting her.

More so her hurting me.

I just want to feel like I am making the decision for the right reasons because if I am with her I want it to be 100% and probably want it to be forever


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

mgman said:


> Being with her properly feels like a massive decision and a big deal to me.
> 
> I'm worried about a lot of things.
> 
> ...


Well, the decision isn't only yours to make. You may have already lost her.

But, if not, what kinds of things are you worried about? Do you want children? Does she?


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

mgman said:


> Being with her properly feels like a massive decision and a big deal to me.
> 
> I'm worried about a lot of things.
> 
> ...


Being a dating site while you were seeing her, that might be a hard thing to overcome. I wouldn’t be bothered with a guy who while seeing me, I discover he’s also on dating sites. Lol She knows her worth, and sounds like she is doing what’s best for her, now.


----------



## mgman (Mar 8, 2016)

The dating site thing was complicated.

I have been on there for a couple of years and don't really follow things up. Maybe swap a few messages here and there but I wouldn't date someone else.

This is going to make me sound like such a bad person but she asked me to come off it. I was always on it (was where I met her) and i refused to come off it and told her it was unreasonable of her to ask. I said I'd only come off it if I was official with someone but that she had nothing to worry about.

Pretty much as we were having that conversation some other girl started messaging me, and I replied, and got chatting to her. I know how bad that behavior is - I can't explain it -it's like a defence mechanism or because I felt like she was pushing me.

So when she checked my online status, she could see I'd been talking to someone else and that is when she ended it.

No, I don't blame her.

I ended up meeting the other girl and she was just a big disappointment.

Yep, I know...all my own fault.


----------



## mgman (Mar 8, 2016)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Well, the decision isn't only yours to make. You may have already lost her.
> 
> But, if not, what kinds of things are you worried about? Do you want children? Does she?


I can give you all the surface worries. She lives a little way away, she has a child already which is a big thing for me to take on, she is older and if I wanted kids with her it would have to be fast and I don't feel ready.

If i take a step back and be honest with myself, I don't really care about all that stuff...or even more to say it's not that which causes me to act like I do.

It's fear that I am going to love her, that she is going to make me happy and then she's going to leave.

If I think about that, the sense of panic is so bad it's like being trapped and I need to escape or do whatever it takes to get her to leave me so I don't have to deal.

It's easier with other girls. Other girls don't scare me like she does.


----------



## mgman (Mar 8, 2016)

I am seriously feeling sick at the people who think i might have lost her already. It feels like the worst feeling sinking in the pit on my stomach. I am sad without her. Nothing works without her. She might never forgive me and I screwed all of this up and I want to call her so badly or go and show up at her door but my brain stops me because I think I might do the same to her again. I really want to deserve this woman but I can't understand why she likes me and keep thinking she's just going to realise she's made a mistake and stop.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Then, you shouldn't try to insert yourself back into her life. Maybe take this time to work on being the best person you can be, independent of any woman.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Man up. Seriously. Become the man you would be proud to meet or be with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mgman (Mar 8, 2016)

Yah, I know that's a fair answer. I am not proud of how I have been and historically this isn't me.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

You need to get some counseling for yourself and let this woman go to find better things. No one wants to be the yo-yo and she was wise to leave. She would be crazy to come back. Man up and send her an email/text or whatever apologizing and taking responsibility with no expectations of her re contacting you. This will be the only way you can try to leave this on a somewhat classy note.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, you just don't sound ready for a real, committed, emotionally stable and healthy, adult relationship. You might look into some individual counseling to see if you can hash out some of your insecurity issues and anything else that's causing you to seek drama, not be able to handle commitment, and act out when things get too real for you. You need to mature a bit and become a more emotionally healthy and balanced person, before you can hope to have a mature and emotionally healthy and balanced relationship.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It takes a long time to know if you're really in love and not in lust. That's the safe way to know if you're in a good relationship - time to see the real person, the good and the bad.

What I would do is write to her and tell her exactly everything you've said here. Just BE HONEST. That's what women really want. No more games. And tell her even if she doesn't want to date you, you'd still like to be her friend. See what happens.


----------



## mgman (Mar 8, 2016)

Yes look that is all a fair assessment. I did know I wasn't ready for a healthy stable relationship when I met her - so I did tell her that from day one. My intention was never to hurt anybody.

In my head, she was older, not that into me and we'd have this fantasy affair with day trips and hugs and valentines cards and in my head that made me really happy and in reality it made me a lot happier than I have ever been and when the fear kicked in please believe me that it was never a conscious choice.

I think I knew I was falling in love with her on about the second date, and historically that has not even been the way I am but something about her just did me. 

Ways to distance from her hurt her and made her feel rejected but I swear to God honestly at the time I didn't even think she cared that much because I am so insecure I really thought it was only me I was hurting.

The thing was that she told me it was okay, that we'd figure it out as we went along and that learning to love someone and trust someone again in a grown up way was something we could do slowly together and she was just kind and patient and wanted me to be happy.

I know I didn't deserve her, so don't think I don't know that and maybe yes I do need a therapist but I am scared of all the home truths that will uncover.

I live kind of half a life


----------



## mgman (Mar 8, 2016)

turnera said:


> It takes a long time to know if you're really in love and not in lust. That's the safe way to know if you're in a good relationship - time to see the real person, the good and the bad.
> 
> What I would do is write to her and tell her exactly everything you've said here. Just BE HONEST. That's what women really want. No more games. And tell her even if she doesn't want to date you, you'd still like to be her friend. See what happens.


She would like that.

I think she really knows all this anyway, she's like a mindreader and she always understood my issues and why I have them.

She would like a letter.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

mgman said:


> Yes look that is all a fair assessment. I did know I wasn't ready for a healthy stable relationship when I met her - so I did tell her that from day one. My intention was never to hurt anybody.
> 
> *In my head, she was older, not that into me* and we'd have this fantasy affair with day trips and hugs and valentines cards and in my head that made me really happy and in reality it made me a lot happier than I have ever been and when the fear kicked in please believe me that it was never a conscious choice.
> 
> ...


Work on building up your self esteem before you get into a relationship again. If you don't, it's just going to be lather, rinse, repeat.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I think you are too neurotic to hold a relationship.

Get some help first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What kind of 'guy' stuff do you do?

What was your relationship like with your dad? Brothers? Uncles?


----------



## mgman (Mar 8, 2016)

I play golf, other sports, go to the gym and have a lot of guy friends. I am just a normal guy like that.

My Dad was an alcoholic, it was okay. I don't see him much. I have a much younger brother and he's great.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

My first advice is to refrain from calling yourself stupid.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Do and then act upon what your heart dictates! 

Your gut instincts about the woman that you really love are usually always right!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> You need to get some counseling for yourself and let this woman go to find better things. No one wants to be the yo-yo and she was wise to leave. She would be crazy to come back. Man up and send her an email/text or whatever apologizing and taking responsibility with no expectations of her re contacting you. This will be the only way you can try to leave this on a somewhat classy note.



I would have to agree with the other posters. At this point in your life, you really don't have the capacity to be in a serious relationship due to your past relationship(s). You should really consider talking to a professional in order to understand the issues that you have and develop ways to deal with them. Once you conquer them, then you will be ready.

I know it sucks and it hurts. But for as much as you want to be with her, you are kind of damaged goods right now. I think she realized that and had to cut you loose.

I also agree with sending her a well written note; briefly tell her how you feel, apologize for your actions, and also take responsibility for your actions. You might mention that you are seeking counseling to try and make yourself a better person. Don't expect much for a response, but you might be surprised.

Oh, and drop all the dating sites.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

In the meantime, find some other activities to do that will put you in front of other women. Like meetup.com, or volunteering somewhere, joining a coed sports team, joining some sort of group for an activity you enjoy doing...spend more time around lots of women, get to know them and become more comfortable around them, to take the mystery away and increase your confidence, and also to see what kind of woman you're really compatible with, just in case she doesn't work out. I think what people are saying is you need more experience.


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

If you know if it's love, then, stay away. You seemed immature and need to work on yourself before engaging in a relationship.

Go get some IC and learn more about yourself. Get involved in some hobbies, volunteer some time in an organization that is of interest you.

I would leave this woman alone.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm sorry but you are 29 years old. Not 19. Grow up mate.

Don't you think that everyone worries about being hurt in relationships at some point or another? Don't you think we've ALL been badly hurt in relationships in our lives? Come on...of course we have.

You being on the dating site is not complicated. Nor is your texting other women behind her back. You knew what you were doing was wrong but you did it anyway. No excuse, certainly not for someone your age.

I'm sorry to be blunt but you need a reality check mate - get yourself into some counselling and figure yourself out BEFORE you attempt to date ANYONE else.

Leave your poor ex alone. You've done enough damage and hurt her enough. She would be insane to even consider taking you back.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Blossom Leigh said:


> My first advice is to refrain from calling yourself stupid.


Correct! Just because you did some stupid things does not make you stupid. We all do it sometimes.

The truth always matters. Fix yourself, cut out the bull****. If you want to see her again after send her a truthful heartfelt letter and ask her to meet for coffee. If you get turned down chock it up to a life lesson learned and move on.

You are ahead in that you know yourself and what you screwed up.

Nothing can be fixed if you don't know the source problem. A good IC would help. If you could find a good one.


----------

