# Statute of Limitations



## Timtim (Nov 3, 2012)

Just found this forum the other night and I have no one else to talk to about this.
I've been married for 29 years.
Last week I had an epiphany. I suddenly realized my wife and my friend from work "Bill" had an affair 15 years ago.
I have no physical proof but I am 95% sure it happened.
Should I let it go since it happened so long ago or pursue evidence and confront my wife?
I have been hurting since I came to this realization and no one to talk to.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

What brought on the epiphany?

What is the status of your marriage right now?

Do you have any reason to think she's cheating on you right now?

Without any sort of proof, is this the sort of thing you would feel comfortable asking your wife about?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How did you come to realize this 15 years after the fact and what kind of evidence do you think you could get now?

Are you saying that you really did not suspect anything 15 years ago? Or did you just turn you head to it?

Now that you have this in your head you need to deal with it. This is not really a statute of limitation on affairs... however if she's been a good, loyal wife since that time it counts as time served.

People are usually advised to not tell their spouse about an affair as it will only cause their spouse a lot of pain. Instead they are to keep their sins to themself and repent by being a better spouse and loving their spouse even more in the future.

What will you do if it turns out that there was an affair? What are your plans?


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## Benevolence (Oct 8, 2012)

IF it is eating away at you then talk to her about it, but be prepared for anything. 

She may have had an affair, or not but just the fact that you are accusing her of one may set her off. Its a touchy subject.


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## Timtim (Nov 3, 2012)

I think there were some signs back then, but I did not pursue them.
I always thought she would not do that to me. I had complete trust in her, when I thought "now that seems odd" I would just put in a box in the back of my head.
I now have a long commute on a desolate roadway, more time to think than ever before. One day that box came open and I layed all the curious things together in my mind. Out loud I said,"Bill and Sally had an affair". It's been hard ever since.

Our marriage seems good, but it seemed good back then to me.
But it took me 15 years so I might be a little slow.

As for proof I will confront Bill. I believe he will tell me honestly. I am sure she was the aggresor in the affair.

Unfortunatly I am working out of town right now and my project just got extended another month.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

You say it happened,so you're sure it's still not happening?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Timtim said:


> I think there were some signs back then, but I did not pursue them.
> I always thought she would not do that to me. I had complete trust in her, when I thought "now that seems odd" I would just put in a box in the back of my head.
> I now have a long commute on a desolate roadway, more time to think than ever before. One day that box came open and I layed all the curious things together in my mind. Out loud I said,"Bill and Sally had an affair". It's been hard ever since.
> 
> ...


Have you thought of what you'll do if Bill tells you that he did have an affair with your wife? What do you think his reaction will be if he didn't?

I think you need to think this through carefully before confronting either Bill or your W, because, in the absence of any concrete proof, there is a chance that you're wrong, OP. And if you are wrong, this could change your marriage dramatically...


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## Timtim (Nov 3, 2012)

You say it happened,so you're sure it's still not happening?

No I feel it was a short affair. He was single and had just met his future wife during that time. He also had a married girl friend (other than my wife ) at the time. But I now wonder if some of the stories he told me of the married woman weren't mine, just as an extra little jab.


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## Timtim (Nov 3, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> Have you thought of what you'll do if Bill tells you that he did have an affair with your wife? What do you think his reaction will be if he did not.


I think Bill will be honest. I had not seen Bill in years, I stopped by his office one day a few years back and the first thing he asked was,"Are you still married?" When I said yes he went to talking on the phone like I wasn't there. So I left. Wondering WTH?
I think he wanted me to ask then, but I did not read the situation right.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

OP.....I have been married 34 years and I had an "epiphany" also about my wife having an affair. about 14 years ago, for a year or so. When asking her about it, her reactions made me feel, she really was hiding something, but denied it.

Because of this, I developed depression/anxiety . I went to a therapist, she talked to me with and without my wife. She told me I was delusional and told me I was putting my wife under a lot of stress and to get some Zoloft from my MD.I talked to my MD with the ( same set of facts). He told me sounds like your wife is manipulative and has something to hide and that I needed a good MC to get all this sorted out. Hmmm.. two professionals with totally different opinions, same facts. But he did give me some Zoloft, I feel better but the suspicions and facts are still there.

I feel in my gut she is hiding something. However a lot of innocent people have been found guilty by a jury of 12 in courts, just because they appeared that way.

So I understand you don't want to "bury your head in the sand" but at the same time you don't want to falsely accuse an innocent person. 

Perhaps you will have better luck than I did, maybe your wife will confess. Not knowing is very painful. You are not alone in this, a long marriage, and then boom! all the pieces of the puzzle come together in your mind.


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

What are you going to do if he tells you yes?

From your posts you seem like you won't do anything,you are already making excuses as Bill was the aggressor,it doesn't matter who is aggressor or if it was Bill or someone else for that matter you are not married to Bill.
Think out a plan on what are you going to do if they had an affair,if Bill tells you that they had and your wife denies are you going to stay married to liar?

Either way even if they didn't have an affair there has to be something wrong with your marriage if you are thinking she had an affair and you should focus on improving your marriage(yes make her work for better marriage even if she didn't have an affair).
Is there lack of affection or sex from her now,was there lack of it when you think affair happened?


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## Timtim (Nov 3, 2012)

NewM said:


> What are you going to do if he tells you yes?
> 
> From your posts you seem like you won't do anything,you are already making excuses as Bill was the aggressor,it doesn't matter who is aggressor or if it was Bill or someone else for that matter you are not married to Bill.
> Think out a plan on what are you going to do if they had an affair,if Bill tells you that they had and your wife denies are you going to stay married to liar?
> ...


I said SHE was the aggressor. It is more upsetting to know she pursued him and not that she was seduced.
I cannot confront Bill for another month as I am out of town for work. After I have a confirmation from him I will confront her and demand she tell if she ever had an affair . Her answer will determine how I procede.

As for the sex it has always been outstanding, then and now. It is less frequent now but still outstanding.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Timtim said:


> I said SHE was the aggressor. *It is more upsetting to know* she pursued him and not that she was seduced.
> 
> I cannot confront Bill for another month as I am out of town for work. After I have a confirmation from him I will confront her and demand she tell if she ever had an affair . Her answer will determine how I procede.


It sounds like you have made up your mind that she was the aggressor in an affair that you do not even know happened.

What will you do if Bill tells you that there never as an affair? Why did not drop in on Bill after all these years out of the blue?

Have you been very upset or unhappy in your marriage for a time.. before you suddenly decided that there had been a affair 15 years ago.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Timtim said:


> I said SHE was the aggressor. It is more upsetting to know she pursued him and not that she was seduced.
> I cannot confront Bill for another month as I am out of town for work. After I have a confirmation from him I will confront her and demand she tell if she ever had an affair . Her answer will determine how I procede.


Why open a can of worms like this? 

1. If it *did* happen, it cannot be undone.
2. If it *did* happen, and you've had fifteen good years since, there's reason to believe that it wasn't related to any lack of love for you. 
3. If it *did* happen, it will cause many, many months of despair and hurt for both of you. 

The only good reason I can think of for digging into this is if you have reason to believe that she is betraying or harming you NOW.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> Why open a can of worms like this?
> 
> 1. If it *did* happen, it cannot be undone.
> 2. If it *did* happen, and you've had fifteen good years since, there's reason to believe that it wasn't related to any lack of love for you.
> ...


Or if he's looking for a way out of the marriage and this could be used as an easy out... after all she was the aggressor.. according to OP. He's already made up his mind on that one.


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## Timtim (Nov 3, 2012)

Bill and I worked together, he was helping one of my children with their baseball skills. This is how my wife met Bill. One day at work Bill asks me "Why did your wife call me?" I replied,"She must have wanted to know something about coaching." Looking back I should have asked her but I did not. Maybe I was afraid I do not know.

Then the conversation went into the box in the back of my mind.

I just feel I need to know. It maybe knowing will be worse than not.

I do appreciate all the differing opinions, it lets me see things from another veiwpoint.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

You know Timtim,I really hope there's nothing to this...that's what I'm rooting for here,so I hope you don't say or do things that you might regret.Take care.


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## springsport (Nov 3, 2012)

Hi TimTim,
I know you must feel sick just thinking about the possibilities, but coming from one who was cheated on, I recommend that you let it go unless you believe she is still being unfaithful. The knot in your stomach right now is nothing compared to the horrible realization and natural consequences that occur if you discover your suspicions are true. I was just looking at a friend's family photos with her husband and adult children, and the realization that I will never have that makes me terribly sad. My ex cheated on me for twenty years with many different women, but once I found out, and once he realized how devastated our family was, he tried to make things right. Unfortunately, although I stayed with him for three years, I just couldn't get over the pain and distrust. You don't know how many times I asked him why he didn't just lie to me when I confronted him. Why couldn't he just become a faithful husband and keep his affairs a secret? I know that sounds strange, but I was happy in my marriage, and planned to spend the rest of my life with him watching our children get married and being grandparents together. Now all of that is ruined. Yes, he ruined it, but it did not have to end that way. If you can, spare yourself the pain and train your mind to think about something else every time that question of your wife's affair 15 years ago comes up.


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## Timtim (Nov 3, 2012)

Springsport,
Thank you for your thoughts. I have alot to think about. It's been 15 years, there is no reason to rush now. I have a month to think before I get to go home.
It does hurt when I think about it and I have been trying to avoid it for days, hard to sleep and not much appetite.


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

Does anyone recognize his symptoms and believe he can just overlook this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

OP..your coworker asking "Why did your wife call me?" is NOTHING in and of its self. Obviously he didn't know. He may not have even talked to her, maybe she left a message on his voice mail or talked to someone else in the house, with a coaching or scheduled question.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

You have absolutely no proof your wife cheated on you. You are making up scenarios in your brain that are most likely untrue and irrational. 

Going by a gut feeling alone is not nearly enough to make accusations about someone. You better think long and hard about this. You accusing her will cause her a lot of pain and stress. 

Your basing your judgment due to your insecurities and jealousy for whatever reason.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Sorry. I just wandered over from a thread where a dozen women were screaming at this one woman to 'always trust your gut'.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

TimTim,

If your wife was the aggressor with Bill, then it's likely she has been the aggressor in other affairs to. So perhaps what you'll find out is that it wasn't just 15 years ago with Bill, but with other men, and even more recently such as now.

If you're away for work a lot, is your wife possibly still cheating on the side on you? If she's been doing this for so many years, she's likely very very good a hiding it by now.

You might want to get cell phone records, and take other investigative actions now, because she may still very well hooking up outside of marriage.

I'm sorry, but if she pursued Bill 15 years ago, there is no reason to think she didn't pursue other men too, especially if the affair was short term. That speaks of a serial cheater who jumps from man to man in her second secret life.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Slightly off-point, but a good time to point out:

THIS is precisely why it is NOT A GOOD IDEA to remain friends with people whose values are too different from your own. If you KNEW that Bill cheated with other married women AND BRAGGED about it, what made you think YOUR wife would be sacrosanct? A cheater is a cheater is a cheater.

[This public service announcement has been brought to you by SGW. That is all.]


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

JCD said:


> Sorry. I just wandered over from a thread where a dozen women were screaming at this one woman to 'always trust your gut'.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You have a point. 

However, if she was in an affair in the past, there's got to be more to this story.

My ex h was always accusing me of cheating. When in fact it was him cheating on me. My ex h is a serial cheater and I never have cheated on anyone in my life, yet I was always accused of it due to his own guilty actions. I had 1000x's more solid proof he was cheating. This was before cell phones and Internet was available. The red flags were not hard to see, I just ignored them for 2 years.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

If they all come clean about an affair, what are you going to do with the information?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

I would worry more about what she is doing NOW. You say you are gone months at a time. Is it because of the past or current insecurities.

What makes you think that aggressor girl has changed her spots?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> You have a point.
> 
> However, if she was in an affair in the past, there's got to be more to this story.
> 
> My ex h was always accusing me of cheating. When in fact it was him cheating on me. My ex h is a serial cheater and I never have cheated on anyone in my life, yet I was always accused of it due to his own guilty actions. I had 1000x's more solid proof he was cheating. This was before cell phones and Internet was available. The red flags were not hard to see, I just ignored them for 2 years.


Let me ask if you are interested in your ex-H's 'story'? Would it make a difference how he rationalized it?

Now, the other thread is about current events and a big red flag. This one? Suspicions.

Sir, bear in mind two things

First, you can't prove a negative. How is your wife supposed to 'prove' her innocence to this accusation? Give you a day by day break down of her whereabouts *15* YEARS ago?

Second, if you even insinuate this accusation, true or not, you WILL harm your relationship. Maybe a little, maybe a lot.

Now, that being said, I have some fun (I have a strange idea of fun)

Go to POS Bill and say 'I've been thinking about you, your perchance to chase married women and 15 years ago. I don't think I want to be your friend anymore.'

Then watch your phone records.

If your wife asks, you've opened the conversation. If you see a call from him and she DOESN'T ask...that is a signal too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

JCD said:


> I would worry more about what she is doing NOW. You say you are gone months at a time. Is it because of the past or current insecurities.
> 
> What makes you think that aggressor girl has changed her spots?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Or in fact had any in the first place? All the OP has to go on here is a phone call that took place 15 years ago. We don't even know that the OP's W actually phoned Bill. She could have phoned his house wanting to speak to Bill's W, but instead got VM. Surely if the OP's W was having an affair with Bill she wouldn't have been leaving messages on his home phone?

I can understand the OP's anguish, but he really does need to keep calm about all this in case he's (hopefully) wrong about his W.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JCD said:


> Sorry. I just wandered over from a thread where a dozen women were screaming at this one woman to 'always trust your gut'.


two things...

From what I've read, when women suspect their husbands of cheating they are right something like 90% of the time. When men suspect their wife of cheating they are wrong 90% of the time. My numbers are probably a bit off but the magnitude of difference is the point here.

The woman who is being told to trust her gut is probably dealing with something that is going on right now. So she needs to find out for sure if its happening or not... if she cares about whether or not her huband is cheating. 

In this case it's something from 15 years ago. There is most likely no evidence. All he can do is peculate. Even if he asks Bill can he really trust what Bill says? If Bill says no.. is that true or is he covering up.
If Bill says yes... well after all these years he went to see Bill recently and Bill was less than friendly. So if Bill says yes.. will he be telling the truth or will be just getting at someone who he does not really see as a friend anymore?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

All Inhave to go on is a book on investigating. He said PEOPLE were generally correct when they had these feelings.

But as you say this was 15 years ago. The man should think very hard about this.

That said, the affair didn't happen 15 years ago...for him. It happened a couple days ago. How sensitive would you be to a person who discovered this in a different fashion 2 days ago? Would you jump her s*it and cover for the wayward? HOW he discovered IS important but we don't really have all his thoughts and facts.

Now I would buy you 'Female Sensitivity Superpower' except I've already read a bunch of TAM and heard women wail 'I never saw it coming!' (Perhaps their houses were laced with Kryptonite  ). I've also read about 'female empathy superpowers' but I can't see any on display for that either.

But, yeah, he needs to lay out his case a bit better. The fact he's using male analytics vs female intuition should not be immediate grounds for dismissing it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Here is a serious question: say his friend Jetheo runs up to him and says 'OP, I can't keep this secret anymore. Your wife was sleeping with Bill 15 years ago and when I caught her, she swore she'd change and she dumped him right there!'

She's been a good wife ever since. How much 'Grace' does that buy her? But switch genders! After all, 90% of men drop their OW quickly and 90% of women can't 

How much would that make a difference if it was your spouse?

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Timtim, how old is your wife right now? I ask because if she's under 60 you may want to start monitoring her commo and movements. Billy boy may have been asking if you were still married to her because he knew her to be a serial cheater. If she was then, she's probably still one now. Especially if you're out of the picture for months at a time. Ever been to San Diego?


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Maybe Bill ignored you because he thought you were there to ask him about your wife.


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## Timtim (Nov 3, 2012)

I have no internet at my temporary housing so I just got back to the forum.

One thing that struck me was the lady whom said her husband was always suspicious of her. My wife is very suspicious (checks phone, fb, emails) I let her do this to ward off any of her insecurities about me. It bothers me some because I would never cheat, but it doesn't bode well for her. Another flag goes up.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Timtim,

When you confront your friend, you may want to approach it by telling him that your wife fessed up and you just wanted to get his side of the story


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## Timtim (Nov 3, 2012)

Bill and I worked together at Meglacorp and in this same time frame our division was downsized. Bill and I were both outsourced to different divisions. We were never close friends, we did fish together a few times. After the job moves we didn't see each other again till I stopped by his office that time.

Bill was single at this time and I think he will fess up.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Timtim said:


> Bill was single at this time and I think he will fess up.


 When you confront him, act like you already know for sure by telling him "I know about the affair, but need to know about it from your point of view". If he asks how or what you know, tell him that you do not want to "taint his version" by answering that and that you just want to hear the truth from his point of view.


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## Timtim (Nov 3, 2012)

Ok, a little more info. We are now in our late forties. She has always been stunning (think Pam Anderson before any surgeries). She had put on alot of baby weight with our second child. She had finally gotten back down to her pre-baby weight when this allegedly took place. Also she was at that age (early to Mid 30's) where women realize they are not youngsters anymore.

Does not excuse but tells a mindset.
Needing affirmation of her attractiveness from someone other than her husband.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Timtim said:


> Ok, a little more info. We are now in our late forties. She has always been stunning (think Pam Anderson before any surgeries). She had put on alot of baby weight with our second child. She had finally gotten back down to her pre-baby weight when this allegedly took place. Also she was at that age (early to Mid 30's) where women realize they are not youngsters anymore.
> 
> Does not excuse but tells a mindset.
> Needing affirmation of her attractiveness from someone other than her husband.


Really? I didn't feel like that until I was in my early / mid-40s. I'm now much older than that, and I still don't need anyone to affirm my attractiveness - even though I like it when my partner does.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

The solipsism grows heavy.


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## Timtim (Nov 3, 2012)

Had to look it up. Great post.

Definition of SOLIPSISM
: a theory holding that the self can know nothing but its own modifications and that the self is the only existent thing;


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Timtim said:


> Had to look it up. Great post.
> 
> Definition of SOLIPSISM
> : a theory holding that the self can know nothing but its own modifications and that the self is the only existent thing;


This way of thinking is the default mode of a large swath of the female _**** sapiens sapiens._ As we see on this board.


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