# Depression and Affairs



## sadwithouthim

Do you think depression in a spouse can cause enough insanity to make them cheat?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brendan

yes for sure. My wife has had depression for a year.
so i have had, no loving, living with a bitter women, erratic behaviour, binge eating,no sex etc all year ( a different women).

i havent felt loved and yes i neally cheated.


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## sadwithouthim

brendan said:


> yes for sure. My wife has had depression for a year.
> so i have had, no loving, living with a bitter women, erratic behaviour, binge eating,no sex etc all year ( a different women).
> 
> i havent felt loved and yes i neally cheated.


I can understand that.

I was wondering more from a depressed person standpoint. Would it cause a depressed person to want to look for more? To just try and make them self feel better?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Corpuswife

Many things "cause" a person to cheat...depression and feeling low about your life can cause you to seek happiness. 

Of course the problem is that you can't find it anywhere or in another person. It's inside you and sometimes takes medications and alot of hard ass work to find it!


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## pcpain

Yes definately. 
When you are at your most "insane" and unstable you are liable to make some very poor decisions and your thinking is very skewed from "normal". 
At my worst times I got involved with all sorts of things that were a long way from what the "normal" me would have done and this included being extremely highly sexed to the point of obsession. Depression, especially extreme depression can be the cause of some very strange behaviour...
Are you asking for yourself? Is there something particular you want help with or answering?


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## losinghope12

I believe it will absolutely be a trigger for many affairs. I'm no expert, but I imagine depression is among the highest triggers for an affair.

My future ex-wife suffers from depression which has robbed her of any feelings of happiness. It has forced her into seclusion and has cost us our marriage after less than a year, she has no friends nearby and is forced to live her life on the Internet where in theory she feels she is a different person. She quit her job, and frankly quit adult life because of this depression.

She is currently in the midst of an emotional affair with someone whom she has never actually met and lives half a country away from and already believes this is her "true love". Thusly, has transferred all of these negative thoughts and emotions about her own life to me as if I am the blame for them. Naturally all positive emotions and happiness are derived from this EA, which is going to inevitably end with this going further than it has

As an aside, my future ex goes on binge eating rampages where she has probably gained 60+ pounds in the last year or so (she was never thin but now is way beyond anything resembling healthy), we've had sex maybe 3 times in the last 6 months, constantly angry at the world, bitter, etc.


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## henley

I just discovered this week that my husband of 2 and a half years has been having an affair. I had started to notice that things were off in the past few weeks. He claims he has been depressed since last spring and has been/is now (that point is up for argument) suicidal. Since my finding out, he is now medicated and seeing a psychiatrist. 

Trying to separate the affair and the depression is an impossible task from my perspective. Its like you can't look at the affair without considering the depression but you don't want to consider the depression when trying to figure out the affair because it doesn't excuse what happened. Especially because my husband is suicidal I feel that most of my energy in the last week has been focused on his illness rather than my own needs related to the affair.

I don't know that I can go as far as to say the depression caused an affair as it could as easily be the vice versa - depressed because you are living a lie. I am currently taking the stance that the two awful things happened independently of each other and that now that I know about the affair his depression is much worse.


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## 827Aug

Many times people socially withdraw when they are depressed. Therefore, I would say it's unlikely a truly depressed person would have an affair. And if they are on medication, then depression couldn't be the root cause. Too many people are also not properly diagnosed.


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## 827Aug

henley said:


> I don't know that I can go as far as to say the depression caused an affair as it could as easily be the vice versa - depressed because you are living a lie. I am currently taking the stance that the two awful things happened independently of each other and that now that I know about the affair his depression is much worse.


I think this is probably the most plausible explanation. There's also a lot of stress involved in the deception. The stress and anxiety can start the downward spiral.


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## MSP

Depression can lead you to have difficulty making good decisions and acting out of desperation to feel better. More important than the depression itself, IMO, is how it is dealt with. People who seek out a way to deal with their depression tend to make better decisions than people who are less active in their own recovery. 

Another consideration, though I can't think of any specific studies to quote you, is that it's possible that her antidepressant contributed towards her inability to make responsible decisions. There were big exposés a while back about medication for parkinson's disease increasing peoples' dopamine levels (which they were designed to do) and making them into gambling addicts and sex-crazed cheaters. Of course, that's a different medication altogether, but it's possible that an antidepressant could cause some issues with self-control.


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## angelpixie

Not everyone's depression manifests itself the same way. My STBXH has battled depression probably since before I met him, had a breakdown of sorts about 5 1/2 years ago, and also has obsessive tendencies and a lot of anger about his childhood that he's never really exposed and dealt with. He is also very narcissistic, but of the needy variety. A complicated man, who was the most wonderful person I've ever known and the most destructive. As I mentioned to you in another thread, Sad, I've been engrossed in figuring how things ended up this way. What was it about me that a.) attracted him, and b.) made him attractive to me? I've found a lot of pieces but the puzzle is not yet complete. Some information I found really helpful about depression from a man's point of view, check out this man's blog. He specifically speaks of why depressed men cheat/leave. He is a very compassionate man and writes beautifully.
Why Depressed Men Leave
A book you may want to read is called "How You Can Survive When They're Depressed" by Anne Sheffield (it was first issued under the title Depression Fallout, so you might find it that way, too). As a frequently depressed person myself, daughter of a narcissistic and depressed mother, and soon to be divorced from another depressive, this book had a lot to offer. 
Depression may or may not have played a role in you STBXH's affair. He may not even know. I've had a tendency to overlook a lot from my STBXH because of his diagnosis. But depression doesn't give someone carte blanche to do whatever they want. If they are together enough to hold a job, have friends, drive a car, etc., etc., they can see that choosing to cheat is wrong and will have devastating consequences. Depression doesn'texcuse anything.

Hugs to you, Sad. I think we may be somewhat kindred spirits.


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## Lionelhutz

I hit a wall of depression a few years ago. 

My depression was so dark, that it felt like "rules" of any kind simply had no meaning as I saw no real future. Plus my marriage had serious problems that predated my depression

If the opportunity had presented itself at that time I would definitely have cheated without a second thought or remorse. 

Mind you, I'm sure the only women who would have found my brooding profound indifference attractive would have been those with their own issues.


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## Mavash.

827Aug said:


> Many times people socially withdraw when they are depressed. Therefore, I would say it's unlikely a truly depressed person would have an affair. And if they are on medication, then depression couldn't be the root cause. Too many people are also not properly diagnosed.


Having suffered from true depression for years I can attest this was true for me. I withdrew and had no interest in other people.

Plus and I can laugh about this now. Who would have wanted a woman wearing sweats, no makeup, who cried and whined all the time? Oh yeah that's attractive. NOT.


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## CandieGirl

I think depression would be used as an excuse for an affair, but not the cause...ie, person would blame their depression for their cheating. But as Mavash said, many withdraw and lose interest in others. Not a conducive setting for an affair...


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## CandieGirl

Furthermore, I believe the opposite is true: person gets fit, loses weight, gets something 'done' and all of a sudden, they're feeling on top of the world. Bang. They're now so attractive to others, they just can't help themselves (in some cases!).


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## Mavash.

CandieGirl said:


> Furthermore, I believe the opposite is true: person gets fit, loses weight, gets something 'done' and all of a sudden, they're feeling on top of the world. Bang. They're now so attractive to others, they just can't help themselves (in some cases!).


In my case this was part of how I healed from depression. I started working out, lost weight, got new clothes, new hairstyle, etc. 

But still there was no desire to cheat. I abhor cheaters.

I agree with you if someone blames their affair on their depression they are just making excuses.


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## CandieGirl

Gah....my H suffers (or has suffered?) from depression...hope he never cheats, cuz then he'll know the REAL meaning of depression. Wink!


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## angelpixie

When someone chases after a new crowd or an affair while depressed, I would compare it to the kind of effect one would get from drinking or drugs: you're a different person in a different reality. The spouse at home reminds you of your depressed life. He or she has seen you at your worst, and you're ashamed of that. Furthermore, if you've convinced yourself that the spouse is WHY you're depressed in the first place, being out and with other people is easier than dealing with what's actually wrong inside yourself. Not everyone isolates when they are depressed.
But I agree with you all --- depression or not, cheating is still wrong. It is not a reason to break someone's heart.


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## Nigel

I had an emotional affair with a work colleague 11 years my junior. I didn't realise it at the time but I had been suffering with low grade depression for about 3 years. Then in the space of 4 months I went through a series of big life changes, job, financial and family illness. I realise now that the increased level of anxiety attacks that I suffered at this time were a part of the depression getting a good old grip on me. It was at this time, when I was most vulnerable, that I had the misfortune to get involved with this girl. Yes I knew what I was doing , but I was unable to comprehend why, or the consequences of my actions or to even understand the pain I was causing everybody. 3 years down the line im now fully recovered, but looking back on what I can remember about it. I find it embarrassing and utterly unbelievable that I could have acted in such a way. Unless you have been depressed you can't possibly understand the effect it has on you. It creeps up on you and at the time you don't feel depressed you just feel mute confused and foggy. I've been with my wife for 20 years she's stunning looking, intelligent and caring and didn't deserve anything that I put her through. This other girl it turns out has a track record of stealing other people's husbands and boyfriends before dumping them after they committed. I'm just relieved that I never went down that route and never got sexual with her. I was severely confused and stressed and it was one of the worst experiences of both mine and my wife's life. Luckily for us we have survived and although we both have some scars from the experience, we have also grown stronger from it too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## uhaul4mybaggage

I have major depressive disorder and anxiety disorder. It is a libido killer, for the most part. I have also found that antidepressants are notoriously bad for libido, so I would say that depressed people are LESS likely to cheat (except perhaps by overspending and lying about it, which some bi polars do.) But as far as sex and emotional cheating, depression makes it unappealing.


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## Lionelhutz

As I recall reading that while most people experience a decreased sex drive, some depressed people begin to think obsessively about sex. 

Also not every AD medication kills your interest or ability to have sex.

If I hadn't mostly lost my drive, I almost certainly would have cheated when I was depressed. I was experiencing such a deep disconnection to life in general there was no meaningful reason not to cheat.


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## Nigel

uhaul4mybaggage said:


> I have major depressive disorder and anxiety disorder. It is a libido killer, for the most part. I have also found that antidepressants are notoriously bad for libido, so I would say that depressed people are LESS likely to cheat (except perhaps by overspending and lying about it, which some bi polars do.) But as far as sex and emotional cheating, depression makes it unappealing.



I honestly think it depends on the individual. I can't see how you can generalise on such a subject. As for people who think depression is just an excuse, well that's their opinion, it's not correct, but there's no law against being incorrect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nexgen

I also agree that it's not There is a flip side. My wife has been struggling with depression and anxiety for a long time. It has wreaked havoc on our love life. Just recently she had her med ****tail changed and she got back her self eseem, confidence, sexuality, etc.... She looks great, and I am happy she has herself back again. The problem is now that she has sexual desire, its not for me, its toward others. Its as if all these years of us trying and failing to get her to desire sex, and even climax, seems to have left her with an emotional stigma about intimacy with me. You know how when you try and, then fail at something over and over...and over, eventually you give up trying.

My wife had built up a mostly negative, and pessimistic view about our relationship and our love life. That view is based on her experiences while emotionally muted with low emotion. She still views me through those old depression colored lenses. and now believes in her new condition trying to repair it is futile....


.....so she took the easy way to fulfill the need for sexual desire, cheated, and is having a PA with this other man....

Tonight, after trying everything I could to help her and failing over and over for a couple months, I told her to leave and said I wanted a divorce.


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## angelpixie

I'm so sorry nexgen. I read your other thread, and you've obviously been through hell. I think you made a very good point about the depressed person seeing the spouse and everything connected with them through those 'depression-colored' glasses. It's like they refuse to acknowledge that they should look at us as also having suffered when they were ill (and we did/do). They want to throw away everything that reminds them of the bad times, even if we stuck by them to help them get to the other side. It really sucks.


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## nexgen

Yes, yes it does.....A LOT.


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## bevvybee

Nigel said:


> I had an emotional affair with a work colleague 11 years my junior. I didn't realise it at the time but I had been suffering with low grade depression for about 3 years. Then in the space of 4 months I went through a series of big life changes, job, financial and family illness. I realise now that the increased level of anxiety attacks that I suffered at this time were a part of the depression getting a good old grip on me. It was at this time, when I was most vulnerable, that I had the misfortune to get involved with this girl. Yes I knew what I was doing , but I was unable to comprehend why, or the consequences of my actions or to even understand the pain I was causing everybody. 3 years down the line im now fully recovered, but looking back on what I can remember about it. I find it embarrassing and utterly unbelievable that I could have acted in such a way. Unless you have been depressed you can't possibly understand the effect it has on you. It creeps up on you and at the time you don't feel depressed you just feel mute confused and foggy. I've been with my wife for 20 years she's stunning looking, intelligent and caring and didn't deserve anything that I put her through. This other girl it turns out has a track record of stealing other people's husbands and boyfriends before dumping them after they committed. I'm just relieved that I never went down that route and never got sexual with her. I was severely confused and stressed and it was one of the worst experiences of both mine and my wife's life. Luckily for us we have survived and although we both have some scars from the experience, we have also grown stronger from it too.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I know this is an old threa but thank you for this, my husband and I have been through similar and he was the one suffering depression, it is so hard for the non sufferer to understand what they are going through and trying to help them but also deal with the heartache of a betrayal of trust. I hope we too and come out the other side stronger.


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## jim beam

Help me out people, i am a Brit, born and bred, cannot make sense of UK sites, my wife has Advanced Parkinsons, has had it for 15 years. We have got along, but inevitably, due to the non-curable outcome, plus, due to the trapped nerves in her spine, she cannot walk properly. We had a house built, around her limitations, i have bought another car, which will accommodate all her needs, wheelchair, electric cart, etc. She is, at present, in a Care Home, $4,500 per 28 days. It is breaking us, but she seems totally unaware of the squeeze! We are looking at a live-in carer, same money.
I am seriously thinking of separation, but with no financial hardship to her. I will split our assets, 50/50 or 60/40, whatever keeps her financially comfortable.
But, now, what do i do? I will have around $600,000 for me.


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## TBT

Hi jim b. Your best bet for getting some advice is to start a new thread. Click on the sub forum name. At the top you'll see a new thread button.Name your thread and then copy and paste what you've posted here. Hope you find what you're looking for.


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## As'laDain

It makes sense. Depression is not just sadness, it's a pattern of negative feeling, and at its core, it's a belief that "I am not good enough".

If something changes and suddenly someone is telling them that they ARE desirable(in a way they can feel it), that person becomes their savior. They are able to trigger an emotion that gives them hope, and that is a powerful emotion. 

Those of us with depressed spouses need to find ways to encourage them to find their self worth. If we can do that then they will fall for us with all the fervor they would put into an affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## worried man

Any advice on this is appreciated. My spouse and I where in a bad time. She was talking to an old friend, by phone, a few times per month, he eventually asked that they get together to meet for dinner, they spoke a few more months but nothing ever happened. I found out, it no longer happens, and we are better than ever. Why does this still eat me up?


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## worried man

Any advice on this is appreciated. My spouse and I where in a bad time. She was talking to an old friend, by phone, a few times per month, he eventually asked that they get together to meet for dinner, they spoke a few more months but nothing ever happened. I found out, it no longer happens, and we are better than ever. Why does this still eat me up?


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## Thinkitthrough

Fybro is brutal and relentless, it effects everything. It is a marriage killer. It can leads to affairs in both the suffer and the spouse. It has a high divorce rate, with or without affairs. Many Doctors will tell you it doesn't exist. Huh?


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## As'laDain

my wife suffers Fibromyalgia. im her supporter.
i suffer chronic cluster headaches. she is my supporter. 

we like to celebrate every year, knowing that we are anomalies. depression, social anxiety, fibro, infidelity, deployments, near death experiences, etc. 
we have done our fair share of fire walking.

bring it on.


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## McDean

Thinkitthrough said:


> Fybro is brutal and relentless, it effects everything. It is a marriage killer. It can leads to affairs in both the suffer and the spouse. It has a high divorce rate, with or without affairs. Many Doctors will tell you it doesn't exist. Huh?


If you have read any of my posts, fibro has flipped my marriage upside down. My wife is virtually unreconnizable to me. Compounded with a near death experience she slipped into a full blown midlife crisis which pushed her even further away. And yes, she came darn close to cheating, emotionally she did for sure. 

I have worked hard on doing the 180 and working on myself. I am supporting her at arms length for now but in the end have no idea how this will work. 

She comes home tomorrow after being with my inlaws for 3 weeks and I am experiencing extreme apprehension over her return. 

Ethically/morally am I a bad person for not sticking with someone who is so different from who they were I don't like them anymore? She is starting new treatments which have restored some of the old person from what I have see but I just don't know.


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## mpmclaren

I know this thread is very old but i feel like i can add some perspective. I had an affair and saw my marriage of 6 years fall apart. I can tell you with no hesitation Depression was a major factor in my decision making at the time. Depression, anxiety, and other mental illness has this stigma attached to it, that in some way it is the sufferers fault that they have it. I know I have often been faced with the challenge, "well you knew what you were doing". This is the thing about depression is that it changes your thinking patterns. I remember before my affair i was suicidal. My thoughts were composed of strong thoughts of:

- Oh she deserves better than me, or It would be better if I just killed myself. 
- Nobody wants me around etc... 

These feelings are so strong that they take over your life. Being to proud to admit I was suffering from depression I let it go on for way to long. I didn't seek help in time, and this led to more risqué behaviour as I explored anything I thought would take my pain away. Someone came back into my life and for a few months she said all the right things. Built my confidence, said what a good guy i was, and basically took that pain away. This feeling was so intoxicating that I would have done anything to continue feeling like that. This led to me having an affair and basically ruining my life, and my kids life for sometime. It was a long road to recovery, and I did it alone. I fought for my kids and admitted my issues to myself, and committed to changing for the better. Unfortunately it was to late for my marriage, and my ex wife found someone else who provided the things I didn't for so long. The hardest part is she is now with the man who convinced her to leave me. There was never any understanding about what I was going through, and they justify their actions as well they never acted upon them, so it makes it ok. This is what i deal with every day, and I know that a lot of hurt was done, and I have always fully accepted responsibility for my actions, despite them being a result of an illness. Someone who is suffering from depression needs to rewire their brain. This takes a lot of time, but I can tell you its possible as I am living proof. seek help and let the people who love you the most help you. Don't shy away from them and get help please. 

So in answer to your question: Yes depression can cause an affair, and its hard for someone to separate the affair from the depression. Depression can cause people to do anything, crazy things that are out of character just to take the pain away. It is an illness like anything else and only someone who has suffered can understand how life changing and debilitating it can be to live with.


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