# Emotional Affair as far as I know



## Mseyfried (Jul 25, 2017)

My husband and I have been married for over 18 years. He met a woman at work and continued having contact with her. He eventually invited her into our home, of course when I was at work and not home, just to talk but then sent her a message that weekend telling her he thinks he is falling in love with her. Our 17 year old thought he was acting weird and caught that text and confronted him. He did not want to tell me about it but my son basically made him. My husband admitted that he would have never told me if he would not have gotten caught. He also told me not to talk with my family about this. The other woman is also married and her husband to this day still has no idea about my husband. We are LDS and yes many of us make mistakes and are just as human as anyone else but the expectations are higher. He went to our bishop and stake president to work things out with his issues. That same week on Thursday he went on a date with her. We had the 360 tracker on our phones long before this ever happened, so I knew where he had been and what he purchased. I was so upset and then he decided he wanted to move out but did not want to tell me until he had things set up for an apartment. He told me straight out that he loves her more than me. He left and we left to get support from our friends. This was Easter Sunday. He begged me to let him sleep in the garage and I let him, feeling sorry for him. 
A couple days later he said he was sorry and he decided to go to marriage counseling. Our first appointment I told him there was no point in the counseling unless he was working 100% on our marriage. The councilor agreed. That Friday evening he told me that he had made his decision and he was going to move out. So when he was at work on Saturday I started packing his things. He came home and was surprised and decided he would give me all his electronics so he had no way of communicating with her. So to me this meant he was going to work on our marriage 100%. 
I thought he was doing well, but he was not. Two weeks went by and on the weekend I went to Oregon to a family Reunion. I was gone from Friday noon until Sunday evening around 6. When I got home he acted as if everything was normal and he was happy to see me. When I did my budgeting from the trip I saw that he went to a small adventure park. The next morning I asked him if he had done anything interesting or special while I was gone. He said nope. Then I asked him if he went bowling. Nope. Then I asked him if he went miniature golfing. He finally said yes and that it was with Krista his girlfriend. I was mad once again. Then come to find out he had purchased an extra phone that he kept in his locker at work so he could talk to her. At the same time he bought the phone he bought a necklace for me. And then it came out that they went to church together. He told me they just went as friends. I asked if she was in our house he denied it and asked how much time they actually spent together. He said he did not want to talk about it anymore and that he wants to forget her and have his life back how it was before. Do you think they were intimate during that weekend? Again he was caught. If he does not get caught I am sure he would never admit to anything. This should have been the last straw but somehow I am letting him walk all over me. Do I work on the marriage or just tell him to get out? If he is not working on the marriage I do not see any reason to try cause it will not work.
Help! I do not know what I am doing. We are going to marriage counseling and I do love it, but he does well for about 1 or 2 weeks and then they are back talking with each other and then he is caught again. He is now going to an addiction recovery class and praying more and doing more positive things. But this past week, they started emailing each other again. In the email she said the weekend they spent time together was fantastic. This makes me believe that maybe they were intimate. Just because he was caught he says he is sorry. He told me that he loves me more now because I have forgiven him so many times. I do not know if I should believe him. I think it is time he moves out but it is hard for me to make that move. Any advice?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I am truly regretful to have to say this but I fear it is the truth. When he speaks you should hear "wife, lie lie lie lie, lie lie lie lie. I lie lie lie lie lie, then lie lie lie lie lie. And after lie lie lie lie lie? Lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie!! AND THAT IS THE HONEST TRUTH."

I am unsure why you mentioned your religion because it is very evident that your H is not a religious person. He may feign so but in reality he is not. The bible is quite clear on marriage, vows and so forth and it even makes note about a special place in hell for liars. So, if he truly believed the religious teachings he claims to then he would be on the fast track to that special place.

He is immature and cannot control his imagination, wants and urges. He is not thoughtful in that, just as you are involved with a cheater so also is he. A person of intellect would realize that just as his infidelity caused you pain so also will her infidelity when she cheats on him, as cheaters do.

It may be prudent at this time to consider your options without him for you have stated that he would never confess without being caught so can you be sure this is his first tryst? Or just the first one you caught? Consider it.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Oh wow... You need to do something. This is so wrong!! How do you know if it hasn't turned physical--- he says he loves her??? I would make him leave--he has an apartment. You should be in counseling for yourself and even visit a lawyer just to know your options. The more information you know the easier it will be. This way both you and your husband can figure out what you want to do. Divorce or work on your marriage 100%. What do YOU want to do?? This is what you need to figure out.. Could you trust him again? 

I would want her husband to know everything too. He has the right to know!! He absolutely needs to know this.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Joseph Smith had multiple wives, maybe your husband is following his lead? 

Seriously, ditch the LDS hogwash and ditch your worthless husband. Why haven't you kicked him out of the house? There's some free advice that will help you move forward. 

How often were you and your husband intimate? When you ask him why he went to someone else for his emotional/physical needs, what's his response?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Mseyfried said:


> My husband and I have been married for over 18 years. He met a woman at work and continued having contact with her. He eventually invited her into our home, of course when I was at work and not home, just to talk but then sent her a message that weekend telling her he thinks he is falling in love with her. Our 17 year old thought he was acting weird and caught that text and confronted him. He did not want to tell me about it but my son basically made him. My husband admitted that he would have never told me if he would not have gotten caught.
> .
> Kudos to your very brave son, you brought him up well. Of course your WH would not tell you, thankfully he was caught
> 
> ...


 Stand up for what is right, kick him out, NOW, tell the OW's H, the poor man should know and tell all your family and friends (let him handle the shame), then go see a lawyer.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

Mseyfried,

Whilst it may seem that you are trying to "lead" your husband out of this situation, right now you are facilitating an environment that fosters his affair. Even if this is "only" an EA, it will turn physical with time, if it hasn't already. Your husband is already being unfaithful to you. And clearly he is "unable to stop". Actually, he just doesn't want to. And you are allowing a situation to continue where he doesn't have to stop to keep you. The best thing that you can do is shine an exceedingly bright light on what he and his affair partner (AP) are doing. They both need to face up to the inevitable consequences of their actions, and that can only happen with disclosure. The longer the affair continues, the more damage that it will do. Your son already knows at least part of what is going on. 

1. Tell the AP's husband ASAP. The best way to break this affair apart is to disclose it to him. And the AP's husband has as much of a right to know as you do. I am not sure what concrete evidence you have, but you need to share it with him. If you think that he might not believe you, then think about what/who else you can take to support your case. If your son is willing (and you don't think that this would be damaging to him), then perhaps he might be willing to share what he saw/read? 

2. If your husband has already spoken with his bishop about his affair, then how on earth did he manage to take his AP with him to church? If I were you, I would start by approaching your church leadership and asking why they are allowing this? What exactly are they condoning? Can you speak to someone else higher up in your church leadership about this?

3. I am curious to know why he can "tell" you not to tell your family about this. Has he threatened you in some way if you do speak to them? Or is it that you are ashamed to tell them, because you think that this is somehow your fault? When spouses are unfaithful, for some reason, the shame of their actions spills over onto us, the betrayed spouse. Frankly, this is crap. A little over a year ago, I made the choice to tell my parents about my husband's infidelity. I was ashamed and embarrassed because I felt that I had failed somehow. That my husband's unfaithfulness was my fault. It took me a little while, but now I realise that this is truly nonsense. And I am so glad that I spoke to my family. You need your family's support. So tell them what is going on and get it. 

mseyfried, things may seem very dark right now. Whether your marriage survives this is something that must still be decided. And it will be your actions and your husband's responses that start that process. But you are strong enough to do what must be done. Frankly, I think that you should throw him out and, if you still want him when he tries to come back, you can decided whether he is worth enough to you. But you are worth far, far more than the value he is giving you right now.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I'm afraid this is WAY beyond an emotional affair. Yes, without a doubt they have been intimate. Plenty of opportunity (including the weekend you were away at the reunion) and intimate exchanges via text, email, and a burner phone.

And the biggest red flag -- men don't decide to abandon their families over just an EA.

Forget the marriage counseling, it's a complete waste of your time and money as long as he is in love with and sleeping with another woman.

Sorry you're here...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Just nickname your cheating, lying H as "Mr. Trickle-truth" just as he has made you as his "Plan B!" 

Don't be fooled! This ain't no EA ~ it's a full blown PA that he's doing his damndest to hide from you!

When you came back on that particular Sunday from your family trip and still found him there in the house, you had full license to inquire of him, "Just what in the hell are you still doing here?"

To wit, get yourself to a good family attorney's office and drop the sledge hammer on his sorry a$$!*


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## Mseyfried (Jul 25, 2017)

NoChoice 
So far it seems all he has done is made promises and then broken them one after another. People who are religious can make the same mistakes as those who are not but they are more accountable to those mistakes because they knew better and did it anyways. I agree totally that wrong is wrong and is never ok so I do not understand why he acts like everything is ok when it is not. They are both cheaters and what makes them think they will not cheat on each other at some point. And I am not sure what he has done and that is what makes me upset and absolutely not want to trust him ever again. I am sure he has done more but do not know and he will not tell me. It is time for him to go. Thanks for your comments!

Cc48kel
I am so sick of the back and forth. He does not have an apartment but he does have a car LOL. He has already proved himself that he is not giving 100% or even 50%. So, for me there is no point in counseling. I really think he is hanging on so he can have the both. He is not sure if the relationship with her will work and wants me to fall back on. He always says, “It takes time to get over her,” but I really think what he is saying is, it will take a while until he knows whether or not the relationship with her will work then he will make his decision. I do not want to be his second-hand decision and right now that is what I am. If this relationship with his girlfriend does not work which woman will he go to next? And no, I cannot trust him. Promise after promise and then lie after lie. I found out her husband’s phone number and will call him this evening. He did not pick up when I called the first time.

GuyInColorado
It is funny that you mention Polygamy. Although we no longer practice it, my husband did mention it in our first counseling session and said wouldn’t it be nice and then just shrugged it off as a joke. We were not as intimate as he would like but that is because he was interested in his own pleasures and never gave me what I needed. As long as he got what he wanted it did not matter what I got out of it which most of the time was nothing. That turned me off and I did not want to deal with it. 

Aine
My son is awesome and is a great kid. He is also over 6 ft. tall and overweighs my husband by 60 lbs. I am so glad he caught him because I still might not have known about anything. I did start talking with my family about 3 weeks after I initially found out. My sister has been through 4 divorces and knows just about everything. She is the one who pointed me toward this forum and has been giving me advice. I have found the girlfriend’s husbands number and I will be calling him. The only reason why I let him stay in the garage was because his son was worried about him. The problem is he did not suffer any consequences for his decision and I have been enabling him to continue. My family knows and some of his friends know. I also spoke with her sister this evening so part of her family knows and her husband will know soon as well and her bishop. Thanks for your advice and support!

Mizzbak
I realize I should have not let him back in the first time everything happened. Now I need to take the necessary steps to kick him out and let him see what happens with the relationship without me. I do not want to be any part of it and if that is what he wants then so be it. I will give him what he wants. I am trying to contact her husband tonight but have had not success so far. I have a lot of evidence. I put a tracker on his phone and could see all their conversations, emails, messenger texts, everything basically except when they were alone the weekend I was gone and the burner phone that he purchased. They did not end up going to my actual ward that I attend. They went to one where no one knows them. Although it was an old friends ward so that friend knows something is up I am sure. It is my/our bishop’s sons ward and also our chiropractor. I am a person who does not like confrontation and I am used to letting people walk over me. I know it is not my fault at all. I did confide with my sister and then told the remaining family members 3 weeks after I had found out. Things are dark and the future seems unsecure. I can no longer trust him and just want him gone so I can move on.

Happy as a clam
I am leaning more that way that they have been intimate and it could have been in my own home for all I know. If he is not working on the marriage 100% then there is not purpose to marriage counseling.

Arbitrator
I did not find out about everything until Monday morning, but I do agree that that should have been a definite reason to kick him out. And I am not sure why he is still here I need to get my act together. Everyone I speak to tells me to kick him out and why is he still in your house. It just needs to happen now.


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## howdouknow (Jun 20, 2016)

No matter what the circumstances are it sucks to end a marriage. However, you cannot keep allowing him to carry on like this and treat you this way. Stand up for yourself! You deserve far more than this! Stand strong and firm!


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## Mseyfried (Jul 25, 2017)

howdouknow

It does suck! I was trying to save my marriage but that takes two people not just one. Thanks for the encouragement!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Mseyfried said:


> NoChoice
> So far it seems all he has done is made promises and then broken them one after another. People who are religious can make the same mistakes as those who are not but they are more accountable to those mistakes because they knew better and did it anyways. I agree totally that wrong is wrong and is never ok so I do not understand why he acts like everything is ok when it is not. They are both cheaters and what makes them think they will not cheat on each other at some point. And I am not sure what he has done and that is what makes me upset and absolutely not want to trust him ever again. I am sure he has done more but do not know and he will not tell me. It is time for him to go. Thanks for your comments!
> 
> 
> ...


See a lawyer and have him served. Better still ask some men from your family to come and escort him out. Check your legal rights first. Pack all his stuff and leave it outside.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

aine said:


> A WS should only be given the gift of reconciliation when they show remorse and a willingness to pull out all stops to work on the marriage. He is still sitting on the fence. You can forgive him eventually but that does not mean you cannot divorce him. God never asked you to be a door mat.


Amen. Many, many of them.

Mseyfried - don't look backwards and regret what you did or did not do. All of us who have been in similar situations would do things differently if we started from the beginning again. Consider this a journey - you are already on your way and passing the refuse collection centre. Yes, you could have taken a shorter or more efficient route. No matter. You are definitely not going back to start over again. Look forward and move with purpose. 

Have you told his family? This is a tough one. And maybe depends on what kind of relationship you have with them. But at some point they are going to have to know why you don't live together anymore. You mustn't do this out of revenge or malice. Simply state the facts and the likely outcomes. You can ask them for their help in confronting and counselling him if you think this might be useful. You definitely have the right to them knowing the truth. So do your children. The reality is that there are inevitable consequences for your husband's actions. You need to step out of the way and let them roll inevitably out towards him - just like that great big boulder in Indiana Jones. Shame is what your husband should naturally feel as a consequence of his actions. His loved ones and those he respects should think less of him until he chooses to act as an honourable man again. Don't try and protect him from that.


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