# Frustrated; not sure whether I'm in the right



## veganmermaid (Jun 17, 2016)

We've been married for 8 years. No kids. 

I earn $65,000/year in Boston. My husband was in the military and has been going to school on the GI Bill for the past 4 years. This summer, he'll graduate with a B.A.; he wants to take some post-bacc classes and then apply to a PA or NP program. He has an EMT license but hasn't used it. He has not earned an income since 2011 (so, for 6 years). For the past four years, he hasn't been working because he needs to get straight As. He has a trust fund, which in the past he has used to pay for a nose job (2011), his car, etc. As far as I'm concerned, he's free to spend his trust fund as he wishes. However..... we are living on just my income, and we have been for the past 4 years. I've always worked; up until a few years ago, I was only making $40k. He supplements my income with the GI Bill ($1,200/month) and withdrawing money from his trust fund. 

For most of our marriage I was very codependent and also had an eating disorder. I'm now well into recovery, and I really want to *live*. I volunteer weekly; I've worked really hard to create the social circle and friends I always wanted. I do want to spend money on experiences, on dining out sometimes, on living. I usually go out to eat 1-2x/week, pay for parking (to volunteer; $5-$20/week), and now that I can be active again, I spend $15-25/week on various physical activities: admissions to parks for hiking, kayak rentals, etc. And, yes, my body is changing, so I've had to buy some new clothes - but I shop at Savers, so I've spent $40 over the course of the last 6 weeks. 

My discretionary spending has increased. He hates that. Every few weeks yells at me or scolds me for spending money. We then argue about how if we were both making a decent income, this wouldn't be a problem, and then usually decide to split assets/expenses 50/50, but then my next check hits and he whisks it into savings again.

I don't have access to his side of things, money-wise. We have a joint checking account: my check goes in there, then he transfers it to *his *savings, and pays our bills / transfers money back in to pay rent, etc. I don't know how much he actually puts in from his trust fund because I can't see any of that and he won't discuss it. (He has a history of trauma, some of which was financial, so I'm trying to be sensitive to that.) 

I've been in therapy for well over a year now and recently found a marriage counselor who would work with us and bill my insurance. I went to meet with her two weeks ago and really liked her; I asked my husband to send me days/times that he's available for counseling. He has not done so. Today he texted me, "Stop spending money. Idk how many times I'm going to have to say it." I didn't respond. An hour or so later he texted saying that he wants to give me dates/times for therapy, but that I don't seem to be taking the money thing seriously so he doesn't want to waste his time if I'm not going to change. 

My therapist has given me feedback in the past, but I'd like to get some other third party perspectives, since everyone brings a different experience or background to the table. Any and all feedback is welcome and I can add additional details or answer questions as necessary.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Interesting marriage. Are you two intimate? In love? 

If you wanted a new car, would he buy it for you or tell you good luck?


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

There's inequality in monetary transparency. You don't have access to "his side" of things but yet he transfers your income into "his side" of things?! Yikes. You two need to sit down and figure out a FAIR way to split bills, put equal amounts into a JOINT savings account, and then leave rest for individual discretionary spending without seeking approval of other person and without receiving a "scolding". 

Personally, I'd be putting my paycheck into my own act (in which, he has no access to) then transferring the agreed upon predetermined amount into the joint act for billing paying. 

The arrangement obviously isn't working.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> There's inequality in monetary transparency. You don't have access to "his side" of things but yet he transfers your income into "his side" of things?! Yikes. You two need to sit down and figure out a FAIR way to split bills, put equal amounts into a JOINT savings account, and then leave rest for individual discretionary spending without seeking approval of other person and without receiving a "scolding".
> 
> *Personally, I'd be putting my paycheck into my own act (in which, he has no access to) then transferring the agreed upon predetermined amount into the joint act for billing paying.
> *
> The arrangement obviously isn't working.


Money quote ( pun intended )


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## veganmermaid (Jun 17, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> Interesting marriage. Are you two intimate? In love?
> 
> 
> 
> If you wanted a new car, would he buy it for you or tell you good luck?




Thank you for responding.

At this point, I have a lot of resentment over the money situation, and my sex drive is just DEAD. There’s other stuff there too - past infidelity (his, in 2011-2012); he’s always studying and won’t do date nights or activities with me. The only time he’s affectionate is when he wants to have sex and to be honest, that makes me feel used. 

He definitely wouldn’t buy me a new car. I imagine that if I asked, he’d say, “You don’t take care of stuff,” which I disagree with; my car is messy (ie there’s books and a sweater and sweatshirt in the back right now), but I’d say I take care of it. My most recent / current car was financed and I paid it off out of my own money.


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## veganmermaid (Jun 17, 2016)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> There's inequality in monetary transparency. You don't have access to "his side" of things but yet he transfers your income into "his side" of things?! Yikes. You two need to sit down and figure out a FAIR way to split bills, put equal amounts into a JOINT savings account, and then leave rest for individual discretionary spending without seeking approval of other person and without receiving a "scolding".
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I agree, and thank you for your feedback. I actually opened my own savings account and the deal is supposed to be that I’ll transfer the check there, then split expenses, but my husband has beat me to the punch of transferring the money for the past 3 cycles. My workplace is supposed to change the direct deposit to my savings, but our admin is worse than useless so it hasn’t been processed yet.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

veganmermaid said:


> At this point, I have a lot of resentment over the money situation, and my sex drive is just DEAD. There’s other stuff there too - past infidelity (his, in 2011-2012); he’s always studying and won’t do date nights or activities with me. The only time he’s affectionate is when he wants to have sex and to be honest, that makes me feel used.
> 
> .


To me it seems you're being used and not just for sex.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

He's racing you to the bank to steal money from you.

Nice.

There are bigger issues here.

MUCH bigger.


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## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

Hi Veganmermaid,

I am the money manager within our family. Occasionally I will mention to my husband that WE should probably cut back on discretionary spending this month for whatever reason. Mostly two kids in college. Expensive little buggars......

That being said, get your paycheck into YOUR OWN ACCOUNT. Close the account which your paycheck is currently being deposited. Do not wait for HR to take care of the new direct deposit. Pick your check up from HR and take care of it yourself if necessary. I would advise my SON or my DAUGHTER of this if their spouse was doing what you've described of your husband. Why? He has already proven himself untrustworthy. You don't know his half of the financials. This is unacceptable and I am concerned that he is "controlling" much more than you are aware, for his benefit only. 

You are a responsible, successful, person and you absolutely should spend some money on the things that you enjoy, which provide enrichment to your life. I'm concerned as to WHY he's trying to rein you in over such a minute amount...this makes no sense with your income, his GI funds, and his trust fund. Funding an education, the spending ratio is actually considerably higher on his side, which is fine if you are both in agreement and all is transparent. It is not transparent. 

I hope you will become much more proactive and involved in the management of the finances. If I ever became an untrustworthy person I would advise my husband to do the same. (That's a bad joke, but I'm serious)


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

So much nope. No way on God's green Earth I'd let a man who has already shown me he cannot be trusted (the infidelity) be in charge of the finances, especially if I'm the only one working. No freakin way. I'd bet there's a reason he's transferring YOUR money and refusing to be financially transparent with you. Remember, those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Take control of your money. Spend it how you wish. If he doesn't like it, he's free to ease on down the road, get a job, and support himself.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I just know...
I just bet.....

That, if your income, your $65,000 a year, had an extra zero after it....
I bet, he would, your ass, kiss. Right smack in the middle of the marital split line. 
Twice on Sunday.

He is using you. Once he gets done with HIS education, he will give you ta-nother one. 
You, my Dear, another lesson in relationship education.

He will wheel his rusty, cheap-squeaky wheelbarrow into the living room and load you up.....

And dump you at the curb.

Beat him to the man-landfill. Deposit him in the unfulfilled dream-boat section. 

Call your attorney and get a dumping permit at The County Courthouse.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

In one post you have given numerous reasons that you should be divorcing this asshat ASAP.

I strongly suspect that he has not suffered financial trauma but that he was the perpetrator of financial trauma - past and or present. Projection.

Get your money into a new secured account. See an attorney. DO NOT take this Narcissist to joint counseling. Never, ever, ever do joint counseling with a Narcissist.


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## veganmermaid (Jun 17, 2016)

I really, truly appreciate everyone's feedback. I read every message and sort of steeped myself in everyone else's input here. I've been concerned that my therapist is biased, which has made it difficult to fully accept her assessment(s). I feel quite a bit more grounded, now, and more confident that I'm not making excessive demands.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

This man is bad news honey.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Gee- he let you spend 40 bucks in 6 months on clothes? That you earned? 

After he cheated on you and you probably took care of him after his NOSE JOB. Does he make you wash his car too?

Time to see a Family Law attorney and save the MC money for legal fees.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

I manage all the money in our family. I pay everything out, there's full transparency of where the money is going, and I spend basically nothing on myself. I just bought myself a pair of $16.00 sweatpants from Amazon and I was super excited for this little treat to myself. 

My wife used to get very upset that I was "controlling the money", but really I was just being responsible and ensuring the bills were paid and we could live with a roof over our head for at least another month. I didn't hide money from her and she had access all the time. I created spreadsheets that broke down every expense, all our debt with a budget and a pay down plan for it. We fought A LOT because my wife was a terrible spender, not always on luxury goods or things for herself, just constantly running the debit card without any care or understanding of what's in the account and what's still out there that hasn't cleared yet. It would constantly put us into overdraft, bounced checks, late fees, over the limit fees on credit cards from overdraft protection. Or running up her credit cards on nonsense, or vacations we couldn't afford. It was maddening for me to deal with.

We fought and fought, my wife wanted to "live" too, wanted nights out to dinner with us, or with the kids, wanted nights out with friends, wanted discretionary spending, vacations. But the problem was, it wasn't there anymore, cards were maxed out, savings depleted, it didn't exist, all money now went to bills and debt. Finally, one day she cut up all her cards and said "just get us out of this debt", best day of my life, now I give her cash to buy groceries, gas, and odds and ends, and I slam thousands to our debt. I've paid down over 60K in CC debt in the last 2 years alone. At the height of it I had 115K in credit card debt alone.


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## BeautyBeast (Feb 3, 2015)

co-dependency is the biggest issue here
why are you still with him?


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Use your money with a divorce attorney. This guy's not even worth trying to work it out with. He lazy (hasn't worked in years). He's untrustworthy (cheated on you). He's controlling (handling your money and not letting you see his). I don't know you, but it seems very, very unlikely that you don't deserve much better than this guy.


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