# can our marriage be saved?



## aaronl

Right now I feel like the biggest idiot in the world. I have a loving, caring, beatutiful wife who has been 100% devoted to me for over five years. Our five year wedding anniversary is next month. We have two children, one who is nine years old who is my stepson, and another who is our only child together who is almost four. For 99% of the time, we have had a very happy marriage. We have been devoted to one another and have made it through many challenges. However, for something like the last three years our harmony has been interrupted by struggles within my own life. For the last ten years, long before I met my wife, I have struggled with drugs and alcohol. Addiction and alcoholism is a problem that runs in my family. I knew this was a problem when I got married, but I convinced myself that the marriage itself would solve it- that the responsibilities of being a parent and a husband would overshadow and basically eradicate my bad habits. For awhile it did. But when my wife started going to night school and I spent more and more time alone with the kids, the old habits began to creep back. Eventually I was drinking and hiding it, and doing other drugs as well. Finally I could bear the shame no longer and I confessed everything to my wife. It was very hard but eventually she forgave me. I started going to AA but my wife did not believe that I was an alcoholic, or that alcohol was my real problem. She was more concerned that I was simply unhappy in the marriage and was not fully committed. This has been an ongoing discussion, still to this day. One day she lamented aloud that we would not be able to visit the wine country like she had always hoped, and this made me feel like I was letting her down. It was then that I decided to take on the problem myself, and teach myself self control.

Not long after that my wife trusted me enough to go get a beer at a local bar and watch a football game, and meet her for dinner afterwards. She made me promise to keep it to two drinks and I promised. But I had four. When I saw her I lied to her, telling her I had only had two drinks. Though it was fairly obvious I had had more than two, she tried to believe me. The next morning, again the guilt overtook me and I told her the truth. This second act of dishonesty was even harder on her than the first, but once again, we somehow overcame it.

Over time I got better and better at managing my consumption of alcohol and her trust in me grew. Then one day we decided to get some pot. Although my wife does not condone the use of most drugs, she does feel that marijuana is a relatively harmless drug if used in moderation. (This is a totally other topic, not really one I want to go into here.) Well, for me, having this available was a constant challenge. I wanted to do it more often than she did. In retrospect I feel that reopening this door was a horrible idea. Shortly after this I took a trip by myself to Austin, drank a lot, smoked a lot of pot and even did some mushrooms. I tried to be completely honest with her about this but admittedly, when she asked me not to do the mushrooms I told her I wouldn't and then I changed my mind and did them anyway. I told her about it the next morning. She requested a separation. This was the worst incident yet. Eventually I made serveral promises to her that gave her the confidence to put her trust in me again. That I would see a counselor, that I would start going to meditation, that I would have an honest conversation with my parents about my struggles, and that I would never, ever touch drugs again.

This was about a year ago. I kept my commitment on all of these things, but alcohol remained in my life - and for the most part, remained something I practiced in moderation (generally 2 beers per night.) Then a few weeks ago I went to a wedding out of state, where I got to see a lot of my old friends who I used to live (and party with) in the years before I met my wife. I drank a lot, like many others at the wedding. Later in the night I was even offered pot, which I turned down easily. But the night got late and the numbers of people awake diminished until I found myself alone with a girl I had been talking to. I asked her if she wanted to go for a walk. We walked for a ways (this was on a ranch where the wedding took place) and then eventually sat down. She sat down close to me and I began to feel the situation was becoming intimate. I felt strongly in my heart that there was no way I was going to cheat on my wife, and so I felt compelled to tell the girl this. She asked if I had ever made out with another girl since I'd been married and I answered, honestly, that I hadn't - and that I wouldn't. Then the conversation moved on to other topics. We finally stood up and I gave her a hug. We began to walk back in the direction we had come from and she grabbed my hand. I didn't feel that this was a horrible thing at the time, but since I have told my wife all of this, it is the one moment she finds hardest to imagine. I allowed her to hold my hand for not more than a minute before letting go. Then I told her goodnight and went to bed.

At first I didn't think I should tell my wife about this, because - what would be the point? Nothing happened, in my mind. And all it would do would be to cause my wife grief and raise suspicion that I didn't feel she needed to have. But after a couple of weeks it became unbearable. You see, all the previous events I described in essence reprogrammed my brain so that now, I find it virtually impossible to keep anything from my wife if it is something I think she might need to know. And so finally I did. She took it hard, very hard. It was actually a kind of delayed reaction at first, but it seems that the more time she has had to think about it, the more anger she feels towards me. She even changed her relationship status on Facebook to indicate we are no longer married.

Last night she basically told me that she isn't leaving, and that I can leave if I want but she isn't keeping me out. But, in so many words, I felt like she was telling me we are no longer married in her mind and if we stay under the same roof it is only to give our children a sense of normalcy and stability. But she does not want me to look at her or touch her.

Writing all of this out definitely highlights for me what an awful husband I have been in so many ways. Even if 99% of the time I have been loving and devoted, the 1% have been so traumatic and I know she does not deserve this. One decision I have made from this is that I am finally through with alcohol. It is a decision I feel I can make easily and without hesitation. I don't know right now if I am going to need help, but if I do - I will definitely get it. However this does not change anything for my wife. She told me quite frankly she isn't sure she wants to be with someone who she can't go out and have fun with. This wasn't her choice, and so why should she have to pay for it?

I am pretty much in nonstop agony right now. If I lose my wife (whether we live in the same house or not) there is no doubt in my mind, first, that it is completely my fault, and second, that I have lost the most special person I have ever known. I love my wife with my whole heart, but my internal struggles and my stupid actions have made this almost impossible for her to believe now. She made one comment last night that I think is pretty telling. She said that in the past, whenever we have gone through something, one thing that has helped her get through it is the desire to hug me and to be affectionate again. She said she doesn't have that feeling at all anymore. This is painful to hear, but I do understand. I suppose the one thing I am praying for more than anything is that she won't feel this way forever. That if I stay and continue to love her and support her - one day, whether it is months or years from now - she will be able to completely forgive me one last time. Part of me feels selfish for even wanting to get this "last chance," - a part of me feels I have put her though way too much already, and she deserves to be happy even if it means finding someone else. But another part of me knows that when you find someone this special you can't let the person go without a fight. You have to do anything and everything in your power to make up for your wrong doing, and ultimately, to be a source of happiness for that person - not pain.

I know I have to change. I believe that eliminating all intoxicants from my life is something I have to do. I don't expect or even want my wife to feel she has to do the same. But I know for me, looking back, it is what I should have done all along. My biggest mistake was thinking I could control myself. Each time I have broken my wife's trust, alcohol has been involved - no exceptions. But again, its like I said before - to my wife, it is not alcohol or drugs that are the problem, but my lack of commitment.

Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.


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## RPosie

aaronl said:


> One decision I have made from this is that I am finally through with alcohol. It is a decision I feel I can make easily and without hesitation. I don't know right now if I am going to need help, but if I do - I will definitely get it. However this does not change anything for my wife. She told me quite frankly she isn't sure she wants to be with someone who she can't go out and have fun with. This wasn't her choice, and so why should she have to pay for it?
> 
> I am pretty much in nonstop agony right now. If I lose my wife (whether we live in the same house or not) there is no doubt in my mind, first, that it is completely my fault, and second, that I have lost the most special person I have ever known. I love my wife with my whole heart, but my internal struggles and my stupid actions have made this almost impossible for her to believe now. She made one comment last night that I think is pretty telling. She said that in the past, whenever we have gone through something, one thing that has helped her get through it is the desire to hug me and to be affectionate again. She said she doesn't have that feeling at all anymore. This is painful to hear, but I do understand. I suppose the one thing I am praying for more than anything is that she won't feel this way forever. That if I stay and continue to love her and support her - one day, whether it is months or years from now - she will be able to completely forgive me one last time. Part of me feels selfish for even wanting to get this "last chance," - a part of me feels I have put her though way too much already, and she deserves to be happy even if it means finding someone else. But another part of me knows that when you find someone this special you can't let the person go without a fight. You have to do anything and everything in your power to make up for your wrong doing, and ultimately, to be a source of happiness for that person - not pain.
> 
> I know I have to change. I believe that eliminating all intoxicants from my life is something I have to do. I don't expect or even want my wife to feel she has to do the same. But I know for me, looking back, it is what I should have done all along. My biggest mistake was thinking I could control myself. Each time I have broken my wife's trust, alcohol has been involved - no exceptions. But again, its like I said before - to my wife, it is not alcohol or drugs that are the problem, but my lack of commitment.
> 
> Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.


You have dis-respected her and she has lost her trust in you....yet you have extreme guilt and are honest about the things you do, so it's fortunate that you are not lying to her as well. Have you gone to individual and/or maritial counseling? Would you/she be willing to go to give it "one last chance"? 

Have you gone to AA/NA meetings? If you are serious about stopping the booze this might help. 

Have you really looked into yourself to see why you do these harmful things and the true meaning behind escaping - are you unhappy with your life or marriage?


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## aaronl

About a year ago I started going to see a counselor. I felt that I made a lot of breakthroughs and eventually felt "cured." One thing I know that I failed on - I stopped going to meditation after awhile, even though I felt one of my biggest discoveries was how strong my need for a spiritual practice was. I suppose I simply got complacent and felt everything was "under control." In retrospect I can't believe how foolish I was.

I know my wife is going to see a counselor on Sunday. But I don't know if her intentions have anything to do with "saving the marriage." She feels very hurt and I think she's just wanting to get through the pain.

I attended AA for a short while but then abandoned it after my wife made the comment about wanting to visit the wine country, and I decided to try to teach myself moderation. I wouldn't be opposed to it, but honestly my wife doesn't support it. I think she doesn't want to be with someone who is in AA. I think she finds it embarrassing. I am not sure really. She really feels that alcohol, etc is just an excuse, not the root of the problem.

I am very happy in my marriage - at least, I was. I have been blessed beyond measure. I don't understand why I make some of the decisions I make, I really don't. I want help and will do anything I need to do. So far I haven't figured out what that is. But I don't know if there is going to be a "one last chance," I really don't.


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## RPosie

You owe it to yourselves, marriage & family to try at least a session or two of counseling, together. Be open & honest, and see where it gets you. 

Best of luck, and if you liked meditation in the past, try picking it back up....it may help you going forward.


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## DelinquentGurl

It sounds like your wife has enabled you in many ways. If you have a problem with alcohol, you don't go and drink 1 drink, let alone 4. And for her to tell you it is ok is crazy. You are an alcoholic, obviously you can't control yourself.

If you truly want to change your life, you need to stop using substances-permanently.
And your wife has to cease making comments about places she won't be able to go to with you because of your addiction, because that is just mean. She should be supportive of you trying to stay clean, not making you feel guilty. 

I am a firm believer that most marriages can be saved, but both parties have to be committed 100%.
I would suggest AA/NA for you and Al-Anon for her, as well as both individual counseling and marriage counseling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aaronl

The last thing I want to do is blame my wife for any of this. But I certainly understand where you are coming from DelinquentGurl. Right now everything is still raw. It is something I want to discuss in marital counselling if she will agree to do it with me. I have not had a drink in a week now. It has not been difficult so far (as far as not drinking) but then again I have hardly been eating either.

My wife and I had a long talk yesterday in which I told her the whole story again. But this time my goal was to be 100% honest, to not sugar-coat anything to "protect her" or "protect our marriage." I have been reading a lot of articles on the subject of infidelity and one thing I have encountered again and again is that full disclosure is absolutely necessary. Doesn't guarantee the marriage will survive by any means, but without it, the odds are far more dismal.

It was very hard for her to hear. She buried her face in her hands and wept like someone had just died. She looked at me with pain in her eyes and asked "why did you do this to me?" How can I answer this? I did not know what I was doing. I did not know I was going to hurt her at all, much less - like this. At the time I convinced myself I was acting innocently. As long as I don't kiss her... I continue to be astonished at how I am able to lie to myself. Do I really not know myself at all?

Last night I went to sleep on the couch like I have the last several nights. An hour later my wife awoke me, crying, and told me to get out. "Go sleep somewhere else, get out of the house." I felt like a dagger was thrust through my heart (but then again, I know she has felt this way all along.) So I got in my car and drove to a park and slept in my car.

Right now I don't feel like she believes she can, or even wants to reconcile. She said, "you know, when we have gone through those other things with drugs and alcohol I have always been able to come out of it because I decided, finally, that you were worth it. But now, I don't know if you're worth it anymore." Right now her main concern seems to be not about saving the marriage, but trying to decide how to coexist with me. Do we stay "married" for the kids (even though, in reality, the marriage will be over?) Or do we simply separate and start building our lives in separate directions?

Right now I am feeling like I have no say in the situation. I was horrible to her, I hurt her, and so I should go with whatever she decides she wants. I don't really feel like I deserve another chance. But on the other hand, at what point do I need to just fight for what I know is right? I know that we can make it though this. I know that I can make the changes I need to make. I am reluctant to blame everything on alcohol, but I can't shake the fact that I know - beyond a shadow of a doubt - that had I not been intoxicated that night I never would have done this. NEVER. And if I had quit drinking when I first knew I should, then I wouldn't have gotten intoxicated.

Anyway, right now things feel really hard. I am glad that I disclosed everything to her - if nothing else I feel I am not struggling as much with guilt and indecision anymore. Now it is just deep regret, and a constant roller coaster of fear and hope for the future.


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## aaronl

Oh one other thing I am worried about. She dropped a few hints yesterday that she might seek out another "connection" of her own. She asked me how I would feel. I answered, "I wouldn't blame you, but I know that you won't." What I meant when I said 'I know that you won't' was that I feel she is a person of much stronger moral integrity than myself, and that as much as she might want to, I know she would never do it. Anyway, she responded: "Don't know that I won't." So, so much for that. Just one more thing to worry about I suppose. But really a part of me wouldn't blame her. And if it would help us get back to a place where we could see each other as equals, maybe it would be for the best. Maybe I do need to feel the pain I put her through. I dunno. Is this crazy?


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## sisters359

It's crazy that you let your wife's ignorance influence you. You sound very knowledgeable about addiction and yet "let" her convince you that you weren't an alcoholic, while you clearly are. My ex maintained that I hadn't done anything different from anyone else (in college), but I knew he was wrong and I fought with him (about the only issue I fought with him on) about alcohol in the house--out of respect for my problems with alcohol abuse, I wanted an alcohol-free home. He would honor that--for a while, and then slipped back into buying beer and leaving it in the fridge. Sometimes I wanted to "show him" he was wrong, and get raging drunk--but not really; the thought terrified me. So I'd fight with him again, he'd stop bringing it home--until the next time. 

I went to an AA meeting once and got really upset, thinking, "I'm not like this; I wasn't ever like this, so maybe I'm not an alcoholic." But the LAST speaker talked about that exact same feeling, and how the problem was, he hadn't realized, earlier in life, that he wasn't "like that" YET. And then he started down the path, only to hit rock bottom. It scared me so much to realize what I had to lose that I realized it didn't MATTER if I "was" or "wasn't" an alcoholic--I did not want it in my life and I had never, to that point nor since, regretted NOT drinking. I pretty much thank God every day that I don't drink, b/c it would have been oh, so easy to. I thank God every day I am not filled with the desire to drink, and have experienced some pretty tough **** in my life without alcohol, so I know I can face almost anything. I know I can *never* drink b/c I have so little command over my addictive tendencies. I'm struggling to quit smoking--again. It's almost 2 years this time, after decades of not smoking. Sigh. But, I keep praying and keep trying. And I thank God that it is "just" cigarettes, b/c alcohol would have so much more impact--immediately--on my kids. The long-term affects of smoking, I know; I want to quit. I know I cannot assume that I have any habit kicked "forever," either, and I am constantly vigilante. It isn't a horrible burden, either, b/c it feels more like a re-commitment to my children every time I remind myself I cannot consume alcohol. I have to say, I am so lucky to not be tempted--but I am so thankful that I am not! The cigarettes are, in a way, a constant reminder of how quickly I could lose everything, how weak I really am. So I re-commit for "one day at a time." So far, so good.

Keep fighting your addictions. You know that chances are, someday you will win--but only if you keep fighting. If you give up, you have NO chance of winning, right? God bless.


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## aaronl

I have gone back to AA, and this time there is no going back. It is not my wife's fault I quit the first time. Really I used her as an excuse. If she had not been there, I would have found another. That is how the alcoholic mind works, I am learning. But she recently admitted enabling me to an extent. Regardless the damage I caused may be irreparable. I just have to face myself for who I am, and do the work I need, whether our marriage survives or not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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