# Total Eclipse of the Heart



## whatisup (Apr 17, 2014)

Hi - new here. I have battled with posting but am totally lost. 

Married 18 years, he was wonderful, flowers, attentive, caring, loving, kind -- the whole nine yards. His step-mom told me I was nuts and I didn't meet his mom until she moved in with us right before we got married. -- the quick background and wow! I should've known something was wrong when he never talked about his childhood. 

Flash forward -- over the last 7 years he has slowly checked out. It started with no more sex -- "I'm just not interested" then there was the outburst when I asked one day to go somewhere that we could talk - "OH! I know! All you want to talk about is sex and why I'm not into it! Well, I don't know! Maybe something is wrong with me. I just don't want to anymore!!" -- in front of our 3 kids. Knew never to bring it up again. That was 6 years ago. Then it went to not wanting to go anywhere or do anything. We basically shut off from friends and I went along, completely oblivious to what was happening. Then, 4 years ago, I asked one of our friends to help. His response "Well, maybe if you weren't so demanding." Oh, okay. 

I don't think people realize when they see this great guy who works hard for his family that behind the scenes, he does nothing else but bring home the paycheck. I am responsible for all the decisions - financial, kids, everything. This is not my choice. I have tried to get him to engage in our marriage, finances, kids lives, etc. Oh, he goes to all the sporting events, although in the last year, it has been a bit reluctant. I think if his dad didn't go, he'd have made up some reason to not come. If I call him on anything, there are a couple of days of total devotion -- so sweet, kind and considerate. Typically followed by 3-4 days of silent treatment. 

I have done everything I can think of over the years. When I could see he was getting a little distant, I'd clean the house really well, write him notes of how much we appreciated him, prance around in a sexy nightie -- until it all went unnoticed. We moved into a new house last year. I asked him to help with hanging pictures -- no response, asked a couple weeks later. Finally a month and a half later, did it myself. You would never know if he saw them on the wall or not because he never commented. He comes home, sits on the toilet for 45 min playing games on his phone, then moves to the couch and continues. He only gets dressed if he has to go umpire, which is his 2nd job that he loves and informed me last year that the nearly 3000 he makes from that job should be all his to do with what he wants because he deserves it. He tells me I am disrespectful and that is why he won't talk to me sometimes. Seriously went from the guy who looked deep in my eyes and told me I'm the best thing that ever happened to him and he wanted me to stay home with our kids because he wanted them to be like me. To a guy who I barely know anymore who I am afraid to talk to. He literally almost lives a secret separate life. Joined a karate thing -- never told or shared with us (me and the kids) that he got a uniform. No big deal I tell myself but he doesn't share - even when asked, so I have all but stopped asking. 

I could go on and on but this is the one that made me really hurt is this: I was having some problems and after my mom having colon cancer, was worried. I said I was going to call the doctor and hoped nothing was wrong. He said "me too." that's all well and good but knowing I was going, never asked what the Dr. said. So, I have another appt for a consultation and to set up the colonoscopy -- he knows I have another dr appt but has never inquired as to what or why. I tell myself again that I should just tell him but it's hurtful that he never asked. Even when I said "I asked a friend to get our daughter from school on Thursday unless you think you might be home since I have a dr. appt." (I used the names of our friend and our daughter, just omitted here) -- response: "I don't think I'll make it home in time." That's it. Nothing. 

I have read about Passive Aggressive, Depression, Detachment, you name it on why and how I can help and make this work but I'm about done. I don't know how much more I can take.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

First, I'm a man....I wonder around these parts.....and sorry (if I'm not suppose to be here or breaking rules).

I think you are ignoring real issues and simply going on rather than dealing with them directly/head on.

Sex for example. Are you really ok to living with no sex for the rest of your life?

Then I want you to ask yourself the same question when it comes to other issues:
Lack of communication
No time investment
Bad father
0 care
No love or affection

I can probably make 5 more items from you post.

You have to deal with these issues. Don't ignore them or they simply become bigger and explode completely in your face. Heck, I will go as far as calling you an enabler (for no action). You enabled him to not only be that way but fueled him to get WORSE.

That's what's happening now, you are at the "train wreck" stage.

Think of a "problem" as a snow ball rolling down the hill. As it rolls it gets bigger and bigger......in the end it will crash into something.

I would REALLY like to see his side of the story but can only go on based on what you told me. And based on what you told me, he is simply not fit to be in this relationship or be a father.

It also seems like you tried everything you can to cover your 50% of the relationship effort.

Still 0% from him.

I think you know what I'm going to tell you next, but I also realize you probably don't want to hear it.

I'm sorry but you and your kids don't deserve that.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

someone like that is answering your questions by not answering your questions.

by not putting effort into any type of marrage he saying he has check out and he just to lazy/selfish to do anything about it so he fine living the way things are.


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## Nix (Jan 23, 2012)

Given your h's behavior and the length of time you are married, you may be dealing with midlife crisis. My ex did many of the same things as your H- turned into someone I did not recognize, hiding things from me, disappearing for days at a time. In the end we split and I am now engaged to be married again-this whole deal ended up great for me, but it took months of the worst pain I have ever known and lots of hard work on myself to get there.

You may want to google midlife crisis -it has its own unique twists and turns.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Sounds like depression to me. I think he needs help beyond what you are in a position to do. 

I think for your own sake you need to issue an ultimatum; "Get help...or I'm moving on". You should not have to live like this.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

could just be low testosterone. 

whatever the case, if he refuses to seek help or put effort into the marriage, you will have to move on or get used to it...


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