# House-chores. Do I want too much from him?



## elizabethb (Jun 14, 2011)

I don’t want to be unfair to my husband, so I am going to ask this:
My husband grew up in a family where his mom did a lot for him. When we got married, I did all of “female” jobs, but after some time I realized that this kind of share of responsibilities was simply unfair because I work as much as he does plus I felt taken for granted. 
He always complained about clean laundry being stuck in our laundry basket and hardly making it to closet. So I thought that he can fold and put away his laundry which would help me a lot. He did not like it at all. 
I talked about it with our marriage counselor and he thought it was good idea. However, it worked once or twice. 
I felt maybe I am unfair to him, so I fold his laundry for him and left it on his bed. He moved it from there to carpet where it stayed. 
When his piles got bigger and messier, I refold some of his clean clothes, put it on his bed, separated them by type and asked him if he can put it away on his own. He did not. 
When I asked why, he replied that he does not give a sh*it if it is on carpet or not. I said that when I did that before, he complained, but when he does it, it is ok. 
I did 5 languages of love test, and my result was “act of service” which makes sense now. He cooks and bakes sometimes and does a lot outside, but I always help. He hardly vacuums floors. When he wants something from me, it always sounds like a command instead of request. I was doing dishes yesterday, and he came to kitchen, took eggs I left out and gave me some sarcastic remark about keeping them in warm room... before putting them in fridge. It made me mad because I put stuff away after him all the time without saying something stupid. However, he always has something to say. I am getting tired of it. If I see any appreciation from him, fine, but I do not. When it comes to laundry, do you think I am asking too much?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

It's his clothes, so why do you care if they're put away or not? Frankly, I'd be keeping on laundry basket for you, and let him do his own, but that's probably just my PA response to someone being a Richard...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Under assumption that you both work FULL time.......this is very easy. Stop enabled him and let him do his own clothes.

All chores should be divided equally.

Also, his treatment/attitude has to change. NOTHING worse than a person over your shoulder bickering even though you are doing them a favor....that's disrespectful.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

I struggle with this too!

My husband had a mommy who did everything for him. He just came into marriage expecting me to continue to do everything for him. Even though I tried to explain to him that his mom was a SAHM and that is what she did. I work just as much as him, and go to school. And yet he still expects me to do all the laundry, cook every evening, keep the house clean. 

At first I did it, thinking it was my wifely duty. Then I started realizing he was spoiled and I was being an enabler!

I put my foot down and things have improved. But it's still a struggle sometimes.

He ALWAYS goes grocery shopping with me, which some people take for granted, but my father hasn't stepped foot in a grocery store in probably a decade or more, so I made sure my husband knew I wanted him to go with me. 

I still do the laundry, but he puts his own away. I wash dishes, and he dries. He sweeps the floor, I mop it. Etc. I have a rule where if I'm cleaning, he better be off the couch and cleaning too.

At first there was lots of arguments and pouting. But he has gotten mostly used to it now, and I rarely have to ask him to dry dishes, or sweep the floor anymore. 

We've been married for nearly two years, and up until the last month or two I still cooked dinner every night. (We each did our own breakfast and lunches.) Now if I am busy, I will tell him to find his own food. I haven't made him cook alone for me yet, but that is only because all he knows is PB&J sandwiches. lol. 

He does help me cook. And I'd like to begin teaching him some basic meals that he can do on his own to help relieve some of my stress and duties. I really like cooking, if I have time. 

I still think he could help more, and it stills frustrates me occasionally. But we are getting there. Work in progress.


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## SailBadTheSinner (Apr 7, 2014)

What kind of house do you have? I ask because you kiss off the traditional "guy jobs" with "does a lot outdoors." At our house, the guy jobs equal in skill, sweat and time the gal jobs. 

How about this; ask him to swap jobs for two months--you do the yardwork: mow, edge, haul trimmings, trim plants/trees, water, fertilize, weed and maintain walks, walls and flowerbeds. You take care of car (s), maintain tools, fix and repair household things, keep the garage in order and store the heavy bits in shelves and cabinets after use. You haul the garbage and trash to the curb and bring back the trash cans. You clean the roof gutters, the downspouts and the eves. You fix broken fences and gates. You clean up the pet messes outdoors.

Quite a lot of "a lot outdoors." Does this happen daily or weekly like washing clothes and putting them away? Of course not, but during the course of a season all that and more goes to the guy job list. 

As you fold and put his clothes away, why don't you just count your blessings that your husband is there and loves you. Many a widow would love to be in your place. Drop the petty resentments. It only makes you petty.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

elizabethb said:


> He cooks and bakes sometimes and does a lot outside, but I always help.


How many meals does he cook a week?

When he works outside:

What kind of things is he doing outside?
How many hours a week does he work outside?
What % of the time are you working side-by-side with him when he works outside?


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## elizabethb (Jun 14, 2011)

SailBadTheSinner said:


> What kind of house do you have? I ask because you kiss off the traditional "guy jobs" with "does a lot outdoors." At our house, the guy jobs equal in skill, sweat and time the gal jobs.
> 
> How about this; ask him to swap jobs for two months--you do the yardwork: mow, edge, haul trimmings, trim plants/trees, water, fertilize, weed and maintain walks, walls and flowerbeds. You take care of car (s), maintain tools, fix and repair household things, keep the garage in order and store the heavy bits in shelves and cabinets after use. You haul the garbage and trash to the curb and bring back the trash cans. You clean the roof gutters, the downspouts and the eves. You fix broken fences and gates. You clean up the pet messes outdoors.
> 
> ...


We have a small house with a small yard. I would love to do his job outdoor! 
He have no fence to fix, only grass to mow with his tractor. I told him I can do it, but he won't let me since that's the only thing he does and I don't.
I wash my own car, I also take it to service when needed. He does not do oil changes or anything at home. We don't have a garage, I do watering outside and we both do bush trimming. If he takes trash can out, I usually take it back to its place. 
If he does something else which is probably once in a year or two, I am there to help him. 
Mowing yard is what he does mostly and that is seasonal. I have to do things on daily basis while he is watching tv or browsing internet. If I did that while he is working, he would jump out of his skin.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SailBadTheSinner said:


> What kind of house do you have? I ask because you kiss off the traditional "guy jobs" with "does a lot outdoors." At our house, the guy jobs equal in skill, sweat and time the gal jobs.
> 
> How about this; ask him to swap jobs for two months--you do the yardwork: mow, edge, haul trimmings, trim plants/trees, water, fertilize, weed and maintain walks, walls and flowerbeds. You take care of car (s), maintain tools, fix and repair household things, keep the garage in order and store the heavy bits in shelves and cabinets after use. You haul the garbage and trash to the curb and bring back the trash cans. You clean the roof gutters, the downspouts and the eves. You fix broken fences and gates. You clean up the pet messes outdoors.
> 
> ...


OP says that she also helps him when he does the outside work.

He does no help her with the inside work.

So perhaps before you attack her and judge her as petty, it would be wise to find out how much time he spends on outside work and how much she spends working with him outside.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

elizabethb said:


> We have a small house with a small yard. I would love to do his job outdoor!
> He have no fence to fix, only grass to move with his tractor. I told him I can do it, but he won't let me since that's the only thing he does and I don't.
> I wash my own car, I also take it to service when needed. He does not do oil changes or anything at home. We don't have a garage, I do watering outside and we both do bush trimming. If he takes trash can out, I usually take it back to its place.
> If he does something else which is probably once in a year or two, I am there to help him.
> Mowing yard is what he does mostly and that is seasonal. I have to do things on daily basis while he is watching tv or browsing internet. If I did that while he is working, he would jump out of his skin.


Sounds like you enabled him to be completely lazy.

You need to adjust first, then you will have to do a LOT of work and hand holding with him as he readjusts back to norm.


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## elizabethb (Jun 14, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> How many meals does he cook a week?
> 
> When he works outside:
> 
> ...


It is hard to say how many meals. In average 1 meal per week then I do all cleaning.

I try to cook at least 2 times per week. It depends on how busy we are or if we are staying home or not. 

My husband does mowing about 3-4 a month. Sometimes, when he remembers, he would water his plants but that's something I do and he always asks if I done it. There is not much to do outside these days, but if there is, I am there to help 80% or I do everything inside-his laundry included. I also do that when I know he is busy with his job. 

I used to cook a lot more, but with having a full time job plus being a part time student , it is kinda hard.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep, you are enabling your husband to be lazy. If he were not married to you he'd have to do it all himself. All household chores, inside/out, are as much his responsibility as they are yours.

You say that your love language is acts of service. Well him putting away his own laundry is not an act of service TO YOU. It's his laundry, not yours.

An act of service would be if he did about 50% of all chores, cooking, shopping and then he did some of your 50%. Or if you came home and he surprised you with having a hot bath ready for you to soak in while he cooks dinner for YOU.

This is not about him help you. It's about him taking care of his won responsibilities.

So far you have trained him that what he's doing is ok and just a minor annoyance to you. We teach people who they can treat us. So change the lessons here.

He can do his own laundry. Stop even washing it.

Get some laundry hampers like these:

Amazon.com - Bajer Deisgn Pop-Open Laundry Hamper - Collapsible Pop Up Laundry Storage

I like that kind of hamper because they are cheap, they fold up so they are out of the way when not in use. And I can throw them in the laundry with the clothing to keep the hamper clean.

Put one (or more) where he puts his dirty clothing. When you do laundry separate out your stuff and do only yours. His go into one of his hampers. And then ignore his laundry. If he wants clean clothing he will do his laundry. IF he piles it up on the floor do not more than just throwing it into the hampers.

I have different color hampers like those for each person in the family (got them at Walmart). Everyone in my family does their own laundry. When my children turned 10 I taught them to do their own laundry. It worked great.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

elizabethb said:


> It is hard to say how many meals. In average 1 meal per week then I do all cleaning.
> 
> I try to cook at least 2 times per week. It depends on how busy we are or if we are staying home or not.
> 
> ...


Do you eat out a lot if you do not cook? Or are just grabbing quick things like sandwiches?

One thing that helps with cooking when you have very little time is use a crock pot. One-pot meals that cook while you are at work.


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## elizabethb (Jun 14, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Do you eat out a lot if you do not cook? Or are just grabbing quick things like sandwiches?
> 
> One thing that helps with cooking when you have very little time is use a crock pot. One-pot meals that cook while you are at work.


I love crock pot meals. 

We eat out about twice a week for dinner, but my H gets his warm meal / lunch at restaurants every work day. So anything little after work is fine. We do cook for weekends mostly.

About that laundry- he would never do his own and talk to me. When I started to refuse to fold his laundry, he got very offensive with me. He got actually angry and told me pretty aloud that if he starts to do everything on his own, I can go.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If my spouse told me that, I would have got out their luggage and laid it out on the bed for them to start packing. I didn't realize that wedding vows included a laundry service clause...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

The way I see it is that the problem is not with chores, but with how he treats you. Maybe others said the same thing - sorry if I am repeating it.

I have been married twice. Both times I do all "womanly" chores. ALL of them. I had problems with my first H because he treated me just like you H - he took things for granted, he made comments on how I do things instead of helping, etc... I read your post and think that I'd smash those eggs against his head! But in my current marriage, I keep doing the same things! My H never corrects me, never makes any remarks and OFFERS to help (he cannot cook to save his life and doesn't know how to stuck dishes in the dishwasher, but he offers to order delivery or something he actyally CAN do). And it makes A LOT of difference in how I feel about exact same things I do for him and did for my ex. It's all about care and gratitude. Not those damn eggs or laundry.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The only reason why anyone over the age of 12 is incapable of loading the dishwasher or doing laundry or xxx (barring a mental or physical disability) is because they don't want to learn how to do it. And I say this as a 47 year old guy who had to start doing these things on his own after living 18 years in a marriage with blue and pink chores. It's not rocket science. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Come together and decide on pink jobs and blue jobs.

You don't give him his jobs, that makes you either his boss or his mommy, you don't want to be either. You co-create the list based on what needs to get done.

Once you agree, leave him to his jobs.

That did us a world of good years ago.


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## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

PBear said:


> The only reason why anyone over the age of 12 is incapable of loading the dishwasher or doing laundry or xxx (barring a mental or physical disability) is because they don't want to learn how to do it. And I say this as a 47 year old guy who had to start doing these things on his own after living 18 years in a marriage with blue and pink chores. It's not rocket science.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Totally!

But I don't want to learn how to fix plumbing or electricity. I gladly "forgot" how to do so many things around the house that I was never good at (manly things that I had to do while I was single). He did the same thing as he was single at some point, too. We allowed each other to do so. No complaints here from me. 

All I am saying that it's all about attitude. If it's bad, then no matter how you split chores, you will never see eye to eye. The same goes for money. "Fair" is how you feel, not how you count hours or dollars. If the feeling that you are being appreciated and cared for is not there, then nothing will seem fair.

JMHO


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

elizabethb said:


> I love crock pot meals.
> 
> We eat out about twice a week for dinner, but my H gets his warm meal / lunch at restaurants every work day. So anything little after work is fine. We do cook for weekends mostly.
> 
> About that laundry- he would never do his own and talk to me. When I started to refuse to fold his laundry, he got very offensive with me. He got actually angry and told me pretty aloud that if he starts to do everything on his own, I can go.


If he makes that kind of rude remark to you, I would simply go. 
He will ask where your going and you can state that since you do everything anyway you don't need him!

He is acting like a spoiled brat and your letting him, did you sign a contract stating that you would work, take care of the entire household and be treated like crap? 

I'm taking it there are no children? Think of the way he is with you now and then add a baby, he will only get worse and you will start to resent him, believe me.

If you want to stay married and have him help you, your going to have to be willing to put your foot down and walk if he pulls this kind of crap otherwise he will just get worse.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

elizabethb said:


> I love crock pot meals.
> 
> We eat out about twice a week for dinner, but my H gets his warm meal / lunch at restaurants every work day. So anything little after work is fine. We do cook for weekends mostly.
> 
> About that laundry- he would never do his own and talk to me. When I started to refuse to fold his laundry, he got very offensive with me. He got actually angry and told me pretty aloud that if he starts to do everything on his own, I can go.


And you let him bully you like that? This is what I mean my you have taught him how he can treat you.

The answer to such a threat should have been:

"If all I am worth to you is to keep house, then by all means leave. I thought this was a marriage made in love and a partnership. Silly me.

I do 99% of the house choses and help you with the outside chores. By your reasoning, I have to do everything myself and then I have to do your laundry too? So by your way of thinking there is no need for YOU around here. Since you refuse to take 50% of the responsibility for YOUR home and personal things, you can do your own laundry from now on. When you decide to act like an adult and take responsibility for your home, we can talk about how does what and divvy up the work. I'm sick of being YOUR maid."

You choose to not stand up to him. You choose to let him bully you. Then you complain. Does that make any sense?

My suggestion is to write what I wrote above, tell him that you will no longer do his laundry, and hand him the written not explaining why. Let him get angry. And do not back down.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

marduk said:


> Come together and decide on pink jobs and blue jobs.
> 
> You don't give him his jobs, that makes you either his boss or his mommy, you don't want to be either. You co-create the list based on what needs to get done.
> 
> ...


You must have missed the part where he refuses to do much of anything.

So she got him to go to counseling and it was discussed. HE still refuses to do much of anything.

I guess he figures that she is easy to intimidate.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

My wife does all the house chores if she doesn't like it,she can go make money.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Quant said:


> My wife does all the house chores if she doesn't like it,she can go make money.


Your situation is irrelevant to elizabethb's as she works full time just as her husband does.

The last I read, your wife was working at your company. Has she stopped doing that?


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Your situation is irrelevant to elizabethb's as she works full time just as her husband does.
> 
> The last I read, your wife was working at your company. Has she stopped doing that?


Shes pregnant so not working part time now and I help around the house a little.But it was made clear before we married what our roles will be.She will be doing the housework and I'll bring in the bulk of the income. Also I tend to have difficulty with these posts because of their blame shifting nature we have no idea how much housework he really does.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Quant said:


> Shes pregnant so not working part time now and I help around the house a little.But it was made clear before we married what our roles will be.She will be doing the housework and I'll bring in the bulk of the income. Also I tend to have difficulty with these posts because of their blame shifting nature we have no idea how much housework he really does.


If it was a man who came here and said that his wife was lazy, he worked full time and he did most of the housework I doubt that you would be calling him a liar in the manner that you are calling the OP.



It's not that unusual for a husband to act the way hers is acting.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> If it was a man who came here and said that his wife was lazy, he worked full time and he did most of the housework I doubt that you would be calling him a liar in the manner that you are calling the OP.
> 
> 
> 
> It's not that unusual for a husband to act the way hers is acting.


Actually I would its just this forum is dominated by women and thus there's more women doing blame shifting.But thanks for the projection.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Quant said:


> Actually I would its just this forum is dominated by women and thus there's more women doing blame shifting.But thanks for the projection.


Why do you think she is blame shifting? Do you really think she's here just down right lying?


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Why do you think she is blame shifting? Do you really think she's here just down right lying?


Its not lying,our perspectives are always biased in our own favor so we always see ourselves as the aggrieved it happens constantly in life and on here.


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

Make a list of all the chore's, inside and out

Divide them up evenly

Make a chart on poster board, one column HIS, one column HERS and hang it on the back of the kitchen door.

Men are visual

If he doesn't get it, send him back to his mommy


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Before you say anything more to your husband, calm down and think about this. 

Are you sure you that your tasks are unequal? You mentioned that he does male type things an you female type things. Does the devision of labor along traditional lines bother you more than the amount of work each of you are doing? Look carefully at what the real problems are. Some of it might be unequal work but maybe a combination of a few other things. Appreciation, respect for the way each person does the work, respect for each other, fighting fair. 

Maybe the division of labor will solve itself is you work on the side issues? It might be easier to see what is being done by making a list and an estimation of level of difficulty and time spent that you are both doing now. Make an agreement that neither of you are entitled to anything. He is not your father and you are not his mother. Therefore you chose to do task and you can each expect respect and appreciation. 

Look at weather the gender line work bothers you. You can rotate task if it helps. After thinking about it, ask your husband to sit down with you to talk. Let him know that in many marriages, ignoring the concerns of one partner creates major problems. You both need to take this seriously and follow through. 

You resentment may not disappear. You may reach a tipping point and disengage from your husband. There needs to be consequences for not following through. Make it as simple ask him if he would rather you leave his clothing in the clothes basket since organization does not matter to him. Tell him that will make you less resentful. Remember 2 can play at this game. 

Are you showing appreciation and respect for what he does? Do you follow through? Make sure you give what you expect. Make it a policy not to speck disrespectfully to each other no matter what happens. If he speaks to you like you are the maid, cool things off and be polite but not warm. Let him know how you feel i a calm manner. 

After a week, sit down again and review what has happened. Ask him if he wants to have a marriage or a maid and employee relationship. Say this only if there is really an unfair division of labor. You will not get this perfectly so be willing to let the small things go. You'll be happier, believe me.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> You must have missed the part where he refuses to do much of anything.
> 
> So she got him to go to counseling and it was discussed. HE still refuses to do much of anything.
> 
> I guess he figures that she is easy to intimidate.


I didn't miss it, but it may be the fact he sees her more as a parent than a partner, and parents have their children rebel against their authority.

That's why you agree to who does what and get out of each other's face about it.

We also found that when we divvied up the chores objectively, I was doing a hell of a lot more than I actually should, being the sole income earner and working 50-60 hour work weeks. Until that point it was all about me not helping out enough.

Remember we're getting one side.


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