# Really? Bills Are High...I have to work



## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

Due to me being laid off over the last couple of years, I have had to rely on unemployment. I also was able to find a part time as needed job that gave me some extra money in the interim. Recently, my unemployment lapsed and lost about two week worth of money. I have now had to find more hours in my as needed job to help keep up with my part of the bills.

This week I had to work a 12 hour over night shift (after 4 hours of sleep) on Thursday, a 12 hour overnight shift on Friday (after a fragmented 6 hours of sleep), a few hours Saturday night, and I am on my way to do a 12 hour day shift for Sunday (after five hours of sleep).

Saturday morning when I got home, my husband was upset that I was too tired to have sex. Um, really? So I have to work to help with the finances around here, plus keep up with my nursing school studies, plus take care of our toddler, plus take care of the home, all while you spend a good amount of your free time watching tv and on youtube. You're upset?!

Not too mention, the main reason I'm having to really hustle these hours is because he made a "family" decision to buy a car that we weren't financially ready to buy. But you're upset because I'm working to help keep the car from being repossessed. How quickly we forget.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

I can imagine the tension at your home. Have y'all sat down to discuss this in a serious manner? This situation will create resentment that will effect your sex life long after the situation resolves itself. 

What does your husband say about sitting at home "playing", while your being stretched thin?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

My husband really does not understand the amount of work it takes into being successful in nursing school. I have already resolved in myself that I don't have to have perfect grades, but I do need to study. When I ask for him to watch the baby so I can get some reading done, I always get a reply "you can study tomorrow or you can study at work." Um, so you're saying you can't take a break from the tv and computer to let me read for a couple of hours? But yet, you want to tell me how you're going to spend the money when I become a nurse.

With me working too, I do ask for my husband to help as much as he can around the house, but when you have time to watch over four hours of tv every night after work, you have time to help a little more. I really don't want that much. I don't ask that often, but when I do ask, please don't be so inconvenienced to miss your tv show. I miss them all the time.



Cherry said:


> I can imagine the tension at your home. Have y'all sat down to discuss this in a serious manner? This situation will create resentment that will effect your sex life long after the situation resolves itself.
> 
> What does your husband say about sitting at home "playing", while your being stretched thin?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

I completely understand, this is something that needs resolved now. I've never had to deal with my husband not pitching in, so I'm not sure how to bring it up with your hubby. I personally would lay it out to mine.... But then again our household can be pretty blunt in our conversations. Good luck and hopefully someone with more experience with this will come along shortly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

At first I was not going to have any sympathy for you. I worked similar hours when my wife was a stay at home mom.

But then you mentioned the car. It is one thing to work hard to get ahead. It is another thing to work hard over poor buying decisions. Especially if you voiced your opinion before it was bought.

You did not mention how many hours he works. If he is not willing to work as hard as you, get rid of the car. Let his butt walk.

People that buy things they are not willing to work for bug me. Have a talk with him why he is not willing to work hard for the things he wants.

Good luck changing him!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He doesn't sound sexy to me. Yuck. I hate when sex feels like just something else you have to do for someone during your day.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

maccheese said:


> but I do need to study. When I ask for him to watch the baby so I can get some reading done, I always get a reply "you can study tomorrow or you can study at work." Um, so you're saying you can't take a break from the tv and computer to let me read for a couple of hours? But yet, you want to tell me how you're going to spend the money when I become a nurse.


See this would've been an excellent opportunity in my house to lay it out to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And you're seeing who he really is.

This is someone I would leave. Just sayin'. I'd rather do it alone and make it alone then have some guat like this reminding me that I could have help, but don't.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

maccheese said:


> When I ask for him to watch the baby so I can get some reading done, I always get a reply "you can study tomorrow or you can study at work." ... But yet, you want to tell me how you're going to spend the money when I become a nurse.


Sounds like you've got yourself a real peach of a guy there.


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## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

Another red flag. Your first post you said "needed job to help keep up with my part of the bills." 

And the second post you said "But yet, you want to tell me how you're going to spend the money when I become a nurse."

Wow you are stepping up to do what is needed and he is already trying to figure out how to spend more money.

He sounds very immature. You do not mention your ages. Did he ever have the responsibility of living on his own? Paying everything for himself. 

That I think is the problem with my own wife. She can't follow a budget. She just thinks the money I earn his hers and feels entitled to it. She also wants a new car, sofa, ect as soon as I start my new job. Well it is not going to happen that way. If she gets upset about so what. I am taking control for what is best for the family. If she can not see that I know she can at least see the door.

Put your foot down and tell him how it is.


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

Oh trust me, I did lay into him. I can see him trying to make a little effort to "support" what I'm doing, but right now its mostly in word. I'm confident the deeds will follow. Its just that when you do stuff that you think is helping someone and its not helping them, you can't get mad.

E.g. yesterday he cooked instead of me cooking. Um, all we did was switch roles, I washed dishes and watched the baby, which is what you would have done if I had cooked. I really didn't get anything extra done. After that, he asked me if he was supporting me enough by cooking. In this case, I see the effort, but nothing additional was accomplished.



Cherry said:


> See this would've been an excellent opportunity in my house to lay it out to him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

He does work full time. I give him that, but no matter how many hours you work, if something is not affordable, it is not affordable. I told him that buying a car before tax time while I am still mostly drawing unemployment was not a wise decision. Unemployment is not a reliable and steady source of income and can end at anytime. What do you know, come January, my unemployment ended. We were going to be short on the car note anyway with or without my unemployment, but now to cover the other basics I was covering, I have to really take as many hours as I can at work, in addition to keeping up with school.

I'm not really interested in changing him, but the situation is going to have to change him or I'm not tolerating it. Please believe I will cut the cable off, don't ask me for extra spending money, don't ask me why we can only eat certain food. Bills have to be covered.



CrazyGuy said:


> At first I was not going to have any sympathy for you. I worked similar hours when my wife was a stay at home mom.
> 
> But then you mentioned the car. It is one thing to work hard to get ahead. It is another thing to work hard over poor buying decisions. Especially if you voiced your opinion before it was bought.
> 
> ...


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

Trust me, I let him know. I can understand him being anxious since we are in such a tight situation, but just because I am going to be making more money, does not mean I'm interested in going crazy. We have a child to take care of. We are barely making it now with are one 15 year old car and our newly acquired car. I'm not interested in as soon as I get a job jumping ito a new BMW (just an example.) I still want to keep it simple. 




CrazyGuy said:


> Another red flag. Your first post you said "needed job to help keep up with my part of the bills."
> 
> And the second post you said "But yet, you want to tell me how you're going to spend the money when I become a nurse."
> 
> ...


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## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

maccheese said:


> I'm not really interested in changing him, but the situation is going to have to change him or I'm not tolerating it. Please believe I will cut the cable off, don't ask me for extra spending money, don't ask me why we can only eat certain food. Bills have to be covered.


Something tells me he is going to eat a lot of macaroni and cheese. :scratchhead:


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

LOL. He's lucky I'm a couponer or we'd really be eating slim. 



CrazyGuy said:


> Something tells me he is going to eat a lot of macaroni and cheese. :scratchhead:


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

House hold stuff should be shared no matter who works or what hours. I do think you need to put your foot down and tell him that if he expects money to pay for the car then you expect some help with the house that he lives in. Fair point he works full time but look at your hours plus the added work of being a parent a wife and a student. You need to set boundaries other wise before you know it this will be your life that you will learn to "adjust" to


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

It sounds to me like the biggest problem here is the added expense with the car and him not picking up the slack financially when it was his idea. Let the car go if you have to prove a point to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Cherry said:


> I can imagine the tension at your home. Have y'all sat down to discuss this in a serious manner? This situation will create resentment that will effect your sex life long after the situation resolves itself.
> 
> What does your husband say about sitting at home "playing", while your being stretched thin?


Agree.

Is he working just as hard as you are overall? I assume he is working (unemployment just does not cover the bills), does he not help out with his child, the housework, other errands?

My honest opinion is that if you guys are both in the same house (that is, neither is travelling) there is time for sex as well as getting all the "musts" done if you prioritize appropriately. I say this from experience. While my son was undergoing cancer treatment I:
* Worked full time.
* Took him to every doctor and therapy appointment (up to 10 per month)
* Handled the other medical issues (monitoring him, medications, insurance issues, scheduling appointments, etc.)
* Oversaw his sessions with the home teacher (so that I could provide any needed help with assignments)
* Did most of the chores and housework, because my ex largely could not be bothered

Even with all that, I was still able to muster a sex drive and find time. With that in mind, it seems the root issues in your case are the car you mentioned, plus general frustration over the loss of job and, now, UI (always a source of stress). I would also ask what your husband's occupation is. Are you possibly resentful that he does not earn more money and your income is needed to pay for family essentials?

Either way, as noted, you need to understand that this is really more of a "will not" have sex than a "cannot" have sex issue. Then you need to have a talk with him about how the circumstances are impairing your sex drive and what you can do as a team to improve the situation.

I would also encourage you to consider that, while you may have legitimate gripes, your job and education status are not his fault. You should not use these as reasons to avoid sex, lest you deepen any resentments by punishing him for something he did not do. For instance, saying you can't have sex because you're too angry over being laid off is inappropriate; saying his apparent financial irresponsibility increases your stress is a whole different issue.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

s.k said:


> House hold stuff should be shared no matter who works or what hours. I do think you need to put your foot down and tell him that if he expects money to pay for the car then you expect some help with the house that he lives in. Fair point he works full time but look at your hours plus the added work of being a parent a wife and a student. You need to set boundaries other wise before you know it this will be your life that you will learn to "adjust" to


Careful here. He is also a spouse and parent. Unless he is slacking in those areas citing her parental / spousal responsibilities will add to any resentment that may exist.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

DTO said:


> Agree.
> 
> Is he working just as hard as you are overall? I assume he is working (unemployment just does not cover the bills), does he not help out with his child, the housework, other errands?
> 
> ...


Just read a few more posts:

* You are absolutely correct that you need to step in and assert some authority over finances if he is prone to poor decisions or bad planning skills. You are also correct that he needs to pitch in because (1) it's his child and home as well as yours, and (2) he will benefit from your increased earnings so a little effort from him is warranted. But...

* You really want to communicate your understanding of the situation carefully. The point is to communicate that you intend for the whole family to benefit from your increase in income but cannot trust him to act prudently. If you inadvertently project a "this money is mine" attitude you are fostering resentment on his part.

* The federal government just granted an additional two-month extension of benefits for people whose existing extensions end after 12/31/11. If you qualify and have not used your 99 weeks already, you might want to see if you should file an extension.


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## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

Perhaps I an wrong person to give you advice. I am in a similar situation. Sounds like you already laid down the law. It sounds like you are a reasonable, responsible person.

Expecting the situation to change by thinking he will learn from past mistakes may not happen. Some people will never get the grasp of whats going on. Could he have ADD? Heck he could even be doing this on purpose for reasons he will never admit. No matter what he may keep spending here and there. One of the things I do is tell my wife when she buys something for no good reason is it takes me "X" number of hours to work for that. That much time I am away, not home because that was bought. Was it worth that much time of my life? What ever the root cause is, it has already affected another area of your marriage. Your sex life.

My own short story is this. Had good income and bought a house.(18 years ago) Got married.(17 years ago) Many poor decisions mostly but not all on my wifes part. We now rent and do not have a home. My savings and 401k are gone. We have a lot of dept on top of that. I have tried many times to control my wifes habits. She always finds a way and excuse to spend. I lost my job in November. I should be back at work in two weeks.

After another round of counseling it is like I am starting over, only worse. First time around I did not have all this dept. I am not confident, should I be starting over with a wife or should I get a divorce. I my self never got a clear answer from my wife as to the root of the problem. I am not very hopeful that our marriage will go on because of this. I know we cant keep making the same mistakes. What ever the problem is between my wife and I are, it has affected every aspect of our marriage. It makes no sense to work so hard and both of us are stressed and miserable.

I am not trying to whine about it. I am not looking for answers anymore. I have a plan to start over, how she reacts is going to determine our marriage status. I am just making you aware how it can go down. You may already know all this. I spent a lot of time trying to correct something that I still do not know is correctable. At some point you may realize it is not correctable, you will have to make a hard decision what is acceptable. Nobody can do that but you.

Good Luck....Hope somebody can give you more advise.


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

No, its not a will not have sex. Its a cannot. Sex is not something I do after having gotten four hours of sleep. And you're right, if there is time for sex, there is time for all the other musts. But don't get mad at me because you have all this energy to have sex but you had a full nights rest in addition to other time to relax.

My husband is a cook. I've long gotten over the fact that he is never going to make enough money. But I will never get over the fact that you must live within your means.

I am not blaming him for my job and education status, but just as I work with him to live within what he can provide as far as income, he should do the same. I don't go out here running up credit card bills and taking shopping trips and expect him to pay knowing that his/our income is limited. 

I don't avoid sex as a punishment to him. No, I simply was not interested in sex that morning because I was tired, just finished a twelve hour shift, was running on four hours sleep, and had to go back in 8 hours later. Sex is not going to get me through my day and I'm tired.

I was just saying, I wouldn't be as tired, if I didn't have to carry the burdens that I have. I would have been tired even if I had to work more due to other circumstances.




DTO said:


> Agree.
> 
> Is he working just as hard as you are overall? I assume he is working (unemployment just does not cover the bills), does he not help out with his child, the housework, other errands?
> 
> ...


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## Template (Aug 2, 2011)

Been there, done that.
H needs to pick up a part time job or more hours at work to make the car payment. He will not learn fiscal responsibility if he does not take responsibility for his actions. You are the one paying the pri e. 
You cannot get by on 4 hours sleep. You do not need a "helper", you need a partner who takes full responsibility for some aspects of the household chores.
Make a list of what needs to be done and take turns picking items that each will do. He needs to commit. He will benefit in the long run when you become a nurse. He needs to man up.
Schedule sex for a mutually agreeable time.
I cannot understand how a man who supposedly loves his wife can create an untenable situation and sit back while his wife kills herself to fix it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

maccheese said:


> No, its not a will not have sex. Its a cannot. Sex is not something I do after having gotten four hours of sleep. And you're right, if there is time for sex, there is time for all the other musts. But don't get mad at me because you have all this energy to have sex but you had a full nights rest in addition to other time to relax.
> 
> My husband is a cook. I've long gotten over the fact that he is never going to make enough money. But I will never get over the fact that you must live within your means.
> 
> ...


I don't mean you have to have sex on demand - certainly not on 4 hours sleep. As another poster said, find a mutually agreeable time to have sex. It's good that you do not avoid sex.

And, yes, he needs to carry the same load as you do. He does not have to make the same money, but as long as he will benefit from your earnings he needs to be a full partner. That means he is not farting around when you are studying. His total effort (time spent working and on chores) should equal your time working, studing, and doing chores. My ex tried to slack while I was busting it and it drove me nuts, so I feel for you.

Then, after you graduate, what is he going to do when you're at work? Seems like being a nurse (at least in a hospital or urgent care facility) is going to involve some long and / or late shifts. Does he get that he needs to handle business while you are away? He needs to see that you aren't necessarily going to work an 8-5 job while Junior is at school and his life will go on as always. If he refuses to adjust, you need to consider whether you need an anchor like this dragging you down.

Lastly, there is nothing wrong with him trying a little harder to make more money. You said he is a cook - I don't think you mean in fast food, but line cooks even in upscale restaurants make little money (not much over $10 per hour I've heard). Also, that seems like a tedious job that would sap one's enthusiasm. Perhaps you could mention it would be nice for him to equal your contribution, help build a better life, and be a better influence to your child in the process? Seems there is research saying that parental achievement is a main determinant of child achievement.


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