# Wife's EA with EX BF a war veteran...I'm so lost, Please help!!!



## Bleeding

I don't even know where to start to tell you about all this mess I find myself in!!!! I will give you the basics and anything else you may need to know just please ask me!!! I need some guidance as I don't know what to do, I feel I'm losing my ****ing mind!!! Found out this weekend that wife has been having an EA for months with an ex bf who is a war veteran. I have not confronted her yet and I'm not sure what to do. We been married for 5 years, have a 3 year old son, I love my wife and don't want to lose her or our marriage. I feel I'm dying inside!!!


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## jnj express

Please give us more detail---how did you find out, what shape is your mge in, what about her XBF, the war vet---what was their original relationship, where is he now, what is his relationship status, what is the status of their EA, (hao heavy, what have you read, what do they profess to each other, how many contacts daily)-----things like these, to help us give you good advice----also how did you discover the EA, and how does your wife act toward you, now and prior to the EA, do you know if there is any possibility it has gone physical, and has your wife's style/demeanor changed about anything, concerning her lifestyle, how she conducts herself, now as to prior????


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## Bleeding

jnj express said:


> Please give us more detail---how did you find out, what shape is your mge in, what about her XBF, the war vet---what was their original relationship, where is he now, what is his relationship status, what is the status of their EA, (hao heavy, what have you read, what do they profess to each other, how many contacts daily)-----things like these, to help us give you good advice----also how did you discover the EA, and how does your wife act toward you, now and prior to the EA, do you know if there is any possibility it has gone physical, and has your wife's style/demeanor changed about anything, concerning her lifestyle, how she conducts herself, now as to prior????


Thank you for your help, I'm really at loss here. Please bare with me as I'm very confuse right now, I can't describe the stress and pain I'm going through. I found out yesterday morning, wife was on the shower, her laptop was open and I tried to check my email, hers was opened and I came across the emails. My marriage is not in great shape (no sex in almost a year, can't even touch her) but besides the sex issue what is huge, nothing major. The ex bf war vet, they dated for 8 years, they broke up in 2001 after 9/11 when he joined, since then they have been friends, I met him and I became his friend as well, he has been deployed in iraq and afghanistan multiple times through the years. They have always been in contact, he would call her from there telling her about all the war horrors he was going through and they would cry together, emails, videos, I have always been aware of this after all we were just all friends and we were helping him to go through the hell he was going through over there, I have always been in contact with him as well, through emails etc etc... He has now been back home, been discharged from the army and suffers from PTSD. He is divorced. They been in constant contact, EA emails I would say since january 2011 before that the emails are normal, like the ones between him and me. The emails are pretty heavy "have always loved you" "want to be together" "want to make a life for ourselves" "can't live without you" and the likes. My wife has been distant but nothing really major, I don't think it got physical because since the EA started I believe january this year, they have not seen each other. I really need some guidance here I feel I losing my mind.


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## Shaggy

Print out the emails and then confront her with the choice. She ends all contact and she works on the marriage or you and kid will leave her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp

Are you going to wait until they get together? For gosh sakes, do what Shaggy suggests and print out the emails and give them to her. If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would be worried about confronting you? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. The longer you wait to confront the more deep the attachment will be between them.


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## Bleeding

I printed the emails out, i wanted to get advice before confronting her, tomorrow is her day off, I will confront her tomorrow. Only found this website today and been reading trying to figure out this mess.


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## Shaggy

Couple of points:

1. It isn't your fault, no matter what he says. She is the one who is putting another man ahead of her husband emotionally.
2. Do not negotiate. No time to meet with him and say goodbye, no just once a week, etc. NC.
3. You need to put in place ways to verify. Either get her passwords or install a keylogger. I'm a fan of the keylogger since it finds secret mail accounts.
4. Do not accept a time apart to work through il that's just her wanting to perpetuate and likely escalate the relationship to see if it wors before admitting she's done. If he can't committ immediately to the man he took vows with, then she leaves since she is no longer honoring her vow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bleeding

Thanks!!! I been having a hard time getting my thoughts together and knowing which points bring up to her, I'm shocked by all this!! I intent to confront her early tomorrow morning, this is eating me inside.


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## Bleeding

Well she was on the phone with him so I just went ahead and confronted her, couldn't keep it inside anymore, she just started crying and how sorry she is....but does not want to give him up!!! "They love and need each other" I'm shacking and I feel I can just throw up, how could they do this to me!!!!! WTF WTF WTF.....She went to the bedroom and closed the door but I can hear her talk, I'm pretty sure with him!!! so know what????? what do I do know????


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## morituri

Go to a father's rights oriented divorce attorney and start formulating a divorce plan of action. Also go to *Dads divorce* and read everything you can find in the forums written by men who have already gone through divorce so you can educate yourself and prepare yourself if things don't improve and you get served with divorce papers by her.

Remember, a good offense is the best defense.


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## calif_hope

Bleeding said:


> Well she was on the phone with him so I just went ahead and confronted her, couldn't keep it inside anymore, she just started crying and how sorry she is....but does not want to give him up!!! "They love and need each other" I'm shacking and I feel I can just throw up, how could they do this to me!!!!! WTF WTF WTF.....She went to the bedroom and closed the door but I can hear her talk, I'm pretty sure with him!!! so know what????? what do I do know????


Be strong.....you cannot tolerate 3 people in your marriage. You can only accept she goes immediate no-contact, breaks it marriage over. Don't go soft, no middle ground. She wants the marriage or does not, if she hesitates ask her to leave the house and infirm her your seeing an attorney.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bleeding

thanks guys. I will start looking for a lawyer tomorrow so I can discuss my options, I really don't want to get a divorce I want to work this **** out, I want my family together. We both own the house 50/50 legally I can't ask her to leave, what a ****ing mess I'm in... should I confront him???? after all he was such a ****ing friend????


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## calif_hope

Confront him, expose to her and his family, move her a$$ to the couch, get control of the finances. Does she work? Read up on the 180 approach - conversations only about kids and the affair - no small talk - don't give or show affection to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bleeding

calif_hope said:


> Confront him, expose to her and his family, move her a$$ to the couch, get control of the finances. Does she work? Read up on the 180 approach - conversations only about kids and the affair - no small talk - don't give or show affection to her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm going to, can't wait for the BS I will hear!!! His father is a reverend and he comes from a very religious family although he no longer believes in God. Yes she works. I gonna look for the 180 and read it up. Never thought I would go through something like this!!!


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## warlock07

Don't even think about forgiving her and saving the marriage before she cuts contact with the other guy and commits to the marriage. Don't try to fix it before she acknowledges what happened.


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## calif_hope

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express

You may want your mge., but right now your mge. is comprised of you, him, and your wife---You do not wnat to be part of a 3some.

You must be somewhat harsh about this---very calmly, w/out breaking down, and with an ice cold demeanor, tell her you know you cannot control what she does, but by the same token, you do control what you do

You give her NO CHOICES---she either ends her friendship, and goes completely NC, immediately, or you will end the mge.

Tell her she can go to him, tell her to pack all her belongings, and go, if that is what she wants. Tell her you will see an atty., immediately, and file for D.

Hopefully reality will set in, and she will see that what she is doing makes no sense, and will end it.

Your lack of relations with her, for the last however long, is more than likely due to the fact, that she is obsessing about him, and you are far back in 2nd place, he has been the big white elephant in your mge.

He is the cause of the crack in your mge.,---she may not get past this, and you may need to face the fact, that your mge., is over------

You need to bring her to the reality of all this, and force her to get off the fence, and decide which way she wants to go, either married to you, working toward R., or a life with someone, who she was unable to make it with in the 1st place

Also take all the marital assets/finances, and put them in an acct. with your name only on it---for now, also cancel all joint CC's----tell her if she wants any proceeds from the sale of the house---she needs to now pay her half of everything, starting immediately---that includes, car, all types of insurances, home expenses, and anything else

This hopefully will jerk her back to reality

If she decides to stay, have your boundaries ready, with actionable consequences.-------Also tell her she will need to sign a POST--NUP.

Do not argue with her, or discuss anything with her, do not raise your voice----say what you have to say, and leave---go run errands, go to work, whatever----and do not CONTACT HER, OR ANSWER HER----let her think about what her future will be like on her own, or with her lover, who she couldn't make it with before!!!!!!!


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## Bleeding

Thank you guys, I really appreciate the good advice and showing me the path through out all this mess, she is still locked in the room probably talking to him. I want to confront him, I really do, not sure what will change or not but c'mon I been here for this guy I want to know what he has to tell me. I will talk to her and put my foot down, also will start exposing this **** to her family and his family tomorrow. This is a nightmare...


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## Arnold

This "friend" is a ****ing *******. So is your wife, for that matter. I'd think long and hard before deciding you want to stay married to a person like this.


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## Bleeding

Wife is not willing to go NC, just told me that if "is what I want" we can go ahead sell everything 50/50 (we both own the house and assets) and go our separate ways. They very "sorry" but they "really in love" and want to go ahead and "be happy" they "deserve it" I'm gonna follow your advice and will ignore her, no talk, nothing... This is really a nightmare...I'm also gonna call my dear "friend" I want hear from him!!!!!


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## Bleeding

just hacked wife's email chat account, the chats from this last two hours are awful, seems that confronting her just escalated the affair, they moving it to became a physical affair...I can't believe I'm going through this...they talking about "making love" "being inside her" it feels like knifes all over my body, wtf???? I feel numb...


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## calif_hope

Do you have kids, how old. How faraway does he live. I know hard but try to get some sleep, for God sake no drinking!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bleeding

yes, we have a 3 year old. He has been 3 states away staying with his brother, is moving back to his home 1 hour away this week.


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## calif_hope

Sorry, just read about your 3 year old son......you tell your wife that your son will never, never be around someone suffering from PTSD........that your son will stay with you if she leaves....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug

Save all the evidence you find. Secure them in a safe place.

Get control of the finance immediately. Hide or secure them.

Do you live in an at-fault State? 

Do you live in an "alienation of affection" State?


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## Bleeding

calif_hope said:


> Sorry, just read about your 3 year old son......you tell your wife that your son will never, never be around someone suffering from PTSD........that your son will stay with you if she leaves....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I will, I don't want my son near him, he suffers from severe PTSD and was or is on medication, I won't go into details for obvious reasons but this guy went through and did some horrible things while deployed over there, I do not want my son near him.


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## Bleeding

I live in a no fault state. I will take charge of our joint account tomorrow morning.


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## aug

Bleeding said:


> yes, we have a 3 year old. He has been 3 states away staying with his brother, is moving back to his home 1 hour away this week.




Who's moving back? The other man?


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## Bleeding

yes he is moving back this week, I just found out this, he has been 3 states away since he was discharged.


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## aug

Tomorrow when you're out, go get 1 or 2 voice activated recorders (VAR). They are fairly cheap.

Keep one with you at all times. Especially when around your wife. You dont want her to start accusing you of assault. The VAR may save you.


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## aug

Follow jnj advice in the post above.

Plan what you have to do tomorrow. Try to get some sleep. Tomorrow will be a hectic day for you.

You dont move out. Doing so may jeopardize your chances of getting favorable custody of your son. Let your wife leave if she wants to.


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## Bleeding

aug said:


> Tomorrow when you're out, go get 1 or 2 voice activated recorders (VAR). They are fairly cheap.
> 
> Keep one with you at all times. Especially when around your wife. You dont want her to start accusing you of assault. The VAR may save you.


I'm gonna look for it and gonna get it, I'm in total disbelief I'm going through something like this.


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## Bleeding

aug said:


> Follow jnj advice in the post above.
> 
> Plan what you have to do tomorrow. Try to get some sleep. Tomorrow will be a hectic day for you.
> 
> You dont move out. Doing so may jeopardize your chances of getting favorable custody of your son. Let your wife leave if she wants to.


Thanks, i really appreciate the advice I'm getting here. I'm gonna follow all the advice I'm getting, thank you for helping me out.


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## aug

And, moving out (if you do) may be considered abandonment by the courts.


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## Bleeding

aug said:


> And, moving out (if you do) may be considered abandonment by the courts.


we own the house 50/50 and I have no intention of moving out.


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## aug

Because she's in the thralls of her EA, dont believe what she says. She's now in survival mode trying to keep her EA alive. She will lie or do what she can to keep her EA alive.

Any remorse on her part wont happen for quite a while.

When you have time, you should read http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html This letting go is for your benefit, for your mental health.


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## lordmayhem

Bleeding said:


> I live in a no fault state. I will take charge of our joint account tomorrow morning.


Then you had better do that first thing. We've seen many times when the WS is deep in the fog of their affair, that they will clean out any joing accounts and run up any credit cards. 

You also need to consult a lawyer and see what your options are and try to get an temporary child custody order. Never just assume that children will go to the WW. And get the morality clause into there, that OM cant ever be around the children, with you mentioning is PTSD issues, that would help bolster your case.

If this OM has been in your marriage from the beginning like you describe, then this is yet another one of those cases that the entire marriage has been a lie. This is seen all the time, where the WS only settles with the BS (you) because they are the stable one, but keeps their former lover in their heart. Sorry to have to tell you this, but she only married you because you were there, while he went off into the military. She would have gladly married him if he didn't go away, you were only her second choice. We see this type of situation all the time here.

Since OM is divorced, there is no OMW to expose the affair to, but you can expose it to family and friends. Whether she admits it or not, she's been in a long term EA with him, so she's been very deep in the fog for a long time, which explains why she's been witholding sex from you. Sorry that you're in this situation. 

I would say your chances of R are slim to none because OM has been involved in your marriage from the beginning. She's been in contact with him the entire marriage, provided a shoulder to cry on, and confiding their most intimate marital issues for him. It sucks to read another story where the WS has been with the OP before the marriage and all thru it the whole time.


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## Bleeding

lordmayhem said:


> Then you had better do that first thing. We've seen many times when the WS is deep in the fog of their affair, that they will clean out any joing accounts and run up any credit cards.
> 
> You also need to consult a lawyer and see what your options are and try to get an temporary child custody order. Never just assume that children will go to the WW. And get the morality clause into there, that OM cant ever be around the children, with you mentioning is PTSD issues, that would help bolster your case.
> 
> If this OM has been in your marriage from the beginning like you describe, then this is yet another one of those cases that the entire marriage has been a lie. This is seen all the time, where the WS only settles with the BS (you) because they are the stable one, but keeps their former lover in their heart. Sorry to have to tell you this, but she only married you because you were there, while he went off into the military. She would have gladly married him if he didn't go away, you were only her second choice. We see this type of situation all the time here.
> 
> Since OM is divorced, there is no OMW to expose the affair to, but you can expose it to family and friends. Whether she admits it or not, she's been in a long term EA with him, so she's been very deep in the fog for a long time, which explains why she's been witholding sex from you. Sorry that you're in this situation.
> 
> I would say your chances of R are slim to none because OM has been involved in your marriage from the beginning. She's been in contact with him the entire marriage, provided a shoulder to cry on, and confiding their most intimate marital issues for him. It sucks to read another story where the WS has been with the OP before the marriage and all thru it the whole time.



Thanks man, I gonna follow your advice and as heart breaking as it is I think you probably right and I been the second choice all along, can't believe I find myself in this situation. I wish there were some hope of saving my marriage but you probably right and the chances are close to none. I'm gonna wait another hour or two and gonna start making phone calls I will expose to both their families, friends and anyone I can think of. 

I also talk with the OM, he was apologetic, sorry for the "pain" is causing me but wants to "make this easier for everyone" "loves" my wife, "always has" thats why is "marriage didn't work" if wasn't for my wife "would have just wanted to die over there" "can't live without her" I "don't need her" but he "does" and "we should deal with this as adults" I was really friends with this guy, really cared about him and his service. This all seems just a horrible nightmare... I just can't believe I'm in this position...


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## Almostrecovered

talking to the OM is next to worthless, it only gives him a chance to justify his sh!tty actions and make himself feel better


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## Sindo

It may go without saying, but when exposing, do not reveal that you have hacked her e-mail. Let them think all the information you have comes from when she forgot to sign off. 

Access is valuable whether going through divorce or attempted reconciliation. Don't tip your hand.


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## Onedery

Bleeding, if you haven't had sexual relations with your wife in a year, your marriage is already over.
Regarding the three year old, where was your wife's boyfriend three years ago? Get a paternity test run so you know ALL the information.


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## Bleeding

I won't reveal how I got the info from the email account. When my wife got pregnant he was in iraq, it's not possible he is the father at least that I'm sure.


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## lordmayhem

Fight tooth and nail for custody of your child. In a no fault state, the courts dont care about infidelity in a divorce, but it does come into play during child custody. As deeply as she's in the fog with the OM, she probably neglected the child as well as you. Use this. And their affair fantasy usually doesn't include the child. OM is in love with you WW, not the child you fathered. Like others have said, don't move out. Tell her to leave, and NOT with your child.

Let her deal with her OM's PTSD issues. And when she leaves, don't be surprised when later on down the road, she begs to come back after he's given her a black eye or worse. With his PTSD, their fantasy will come crumbing down sooner or later as real life hits it.


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## Eli-Zor

I am sure you can report his adultery to his commanding officer .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem

Bleeding said:


> I also talk with the OM, he was apologetic, sorry for the "pain" is causing me but wants to "make this easier for everyone" "loves" my wife, "always has" thats why is "marriage didn't work" if wasn't for my wife "would have just wanted to die over there" "can't live without her" I "don't need her" but he "does" and "we should deal with this as adults" I was really friends with this guy, really cared about him and his service. This all seems just a horrible nightmare... I just can't believe I'm in this position...


No apology can take away what he's done to your marriage/life, same with your WW. Instead of moving on, they ruined both their families and marriages by doing the dishonorable thing: keeping in contact and in an EA all this time. Just like the OMW, she was only his second choice. Your WW made you believe all this time that she loved only you, yet you were never first in her heart, this OM was. You were only a substitute for him, and it's so very hurtful and evil to be used like that. It really sucks to just be the rebound man.


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## lordmayhem

Eli-Zor said:


> I am sure you can report his adultery to his commanding officer .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think OM got out already. Probably getting some disability from the VA as a result of his PTSD issues.


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## morituri

It will help you to emotionally detach if you stop looking at the woman you married as your wife. That woman is gone - if she ever did exist in the first place - and the woman you're legally married to is nothing more than the mother of your child, a surrogate if you will. From now on she should be considered nothing more than your child's babysitter.


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## Shaggy

Stay strong, expose to everyone as others have said.

And quickly move to divorce her. Show her the reality of ending the marriage and what it's going to cost her.

BTW - exposure didn't make it escalate, he no doubt had been planning on taking it PA as soon as he got there.


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## calif_hope

Sounds like both your wife and the OM are in a fairytell fog. They both are thinking that you are just going to walkaway and the world will live their love story. 
Hate to say this you have two weapons - exposure and your child. Make it very clear you are fighting for your family with everyone you tell and that your son will never live his life with a PTSD victim. Put ptessure on him and her, talk to your lawyer about getting sonekind of court order to keep your son away from him. Does he have documented violent PTSD episodes. The mire you presure and push the fog from his fantasy the more likely you will trigger him and this should wake your wife.........get custody of your son and live youR life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000

And FWIW you did not escalate the affair. This was already at its final stages of consummation. He was already moving to your location to be with her. This is a matter of being very very late to the party.

The bottomline is that EXs are always a threat to a marriage. The fact she did not go NC with him when you were engaged / married all but sealed your fate. HUGE MISTAKE. The outcome was pretty inevitable. Their relationship destroyed the one you had with her.

Good luck.


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## morituri

I have a good friend who is a successful commodities trader and he shared with me what has made him successful. His number one rule? *cut your losses*. The same rule can be applied to relationships that cannot be saved without the effort from both spouses. Sure it's painful but with time you'll appreciate the wisdom of 'cutting your losses'.


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## Bleeding

Thanks for your insight and advice, I really grateful for the advice I'm getting here. I spent pretty much all day making calls exposing this ****, not much luck with her side of the family, "it's all my fault" yada yada yada, both their friends think I'm wrong exposing and don't want to get involved. I still trying to get a hold of his side of the family. I did found some information I had no idea about but that is very telling about all this and what a fool I have been, so apparently OM while over there was my wife's picture he carried on his wallet to the point the soldiers on his unit thought she was his wife, also he was wounded there a few times and my wife was always contact by the army, he gave her contact instead of his wife's contact. It also seems that was this type of stuff more the fact he was leaning on my wife for support that lead to is divorce, even if back then was platonic on his side that's no longer the case... I will keep trying to get a hold of his family...


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## Almostrecovered

this may have been going on much longer than you think, I would contact his ex to see if she knows anything


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## Shaggy

This is why exposure to the AP SO is important, if the OMW divorced because of your wife, and she didn't tell you, well denied you the truth and ability to deal with it.

It sounds like they've had long standing plans to dump you when he got there, you've clearly interrupted their plans.

You should protect your money and credit by cutting off her access to it. Talk to a lawyer ASAP on what you can do to prevent her grabbing your kid and going with him. You can't stop er going, but you can likely prevent her from taking the child. You need to move fast. Now that they know you know, they will be moving quickly to screw you over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug

Bleeding said:


> Thanks for your insight and advice, I really grateful for the advice I'm getting here. I spent pretty much all day making calls exposing this ****, not much luck with her side of the family, "it's all my fault" yada yada yada, both their friends think I'm wrong exposing and don't want to get involved. I still trying to get a hold of his side of the family. I did found some information I had no idea about but that is very telling about all this and what a fool I have been,* so apparently OM while over there was my wife's picture he carried on his wallet to the point the soldiers on his unit thought she was his wife, also he was wounded there a few times and my wife was always contact by the army, she gave her contact instead of his wife's contact.* It also seems that was this type of stuff more the fact he was leaning on my wife for support that lead to is divorce, even if back then was platonic on his side that's no longer the case... I will keep trying to get a hold of his family...




That's so warped on so many levels.

Almostrecovered has a good point -- call the OM ex-wife and see what other info you can get.

Your marriage is over, I'm sorry to say. Your wife is a real piece of work to involve you. And she lacks ethics.


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## Bleeding

I'm gonna try to find his ex wife's contact and will contact her, you guys are right it's worth to see what she knows.

I closed the joint account, was basically an account we used to pay bills every month and had there a few thousand dollars as emergency money, not anymore!!!!

I talked with a lawyer who basically advised me to put the house and assets to sell and see if it gives her a reality check, she will get 50% of everything but still he told me sometimes it shakes the DS and gives them a dose of reality. As as far as my son he thinks my best shot is joint custody, she is a fantastic mom and the fact our son is very young makes it very unlikely that I will get full custody, I can then negotiate the OM around my son.

I intent to talk to her tonight and see where she stands...


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## tacoma

Entropy3000 said:


> The bottomline is that EXs are always a threat to a marriage. The fact she did not go NC with him when you were engaged / married all but sealed your fate. HUGE MISTAKE. The outcome was pretty inevitable. Their relationship destroyed the one you had with her.


:iagree:

In the future this should be one of your boundaries.

No friendships/contact with Ex`s, it`s a dealbreaker


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## Chaparral

Bleeding said:


> I'm gonna try to find his ex wife's contact and will contact her, you guys are right it's worth to see what she knows.
> 
> I closed the joint account, was basically an account we used to pay bills every month and had there a few thousand dollars as emergency money, not anymore!!!!
> 
> I talked with a lawyer who basically advised me to put the house and assets to sell and see if it gives her a reality check, she will get 50% of everything but still he told me sometimes it shakes the DS and gives them a dose of reality. As as far as my son he thinks my best shot is joint custody, she is a fantastic mom and the fact our son is very young makes it very unlikely that I will get full custody, I can then negotiate the OM around my son.
> 
> 
> 
> I intent to talk to her tonight and see where she stands...


Fantastic moms don't break up their families, terrible moms do. Fantastic moms don't commit adultery. Fantastic moms don't treat their husband/father of her child like worthless trash, they are trash. In all honesty there are a lot of terms for this kind of person but "fantastic mom" isn't even close. As a matter of fact, if I was Head Dictate, she would be lucky to get supervised visitation.


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## Bleeding

Well I was able to reach his father and sister, his father is a reverend and will talk with both OM and my wife, OM doesn't believe in GOD anymore and his father is not very hopeful but wants to give it a try. His sister told me that they have always pined after each other that is wrong they involved me and his ex in this but that they always have wanted each other and all this years OM has always wanted my wife back. I called his ex and left a message, hopefully she will call me back...


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## jnj express

Time to forget about the lovers, start taking care of yourself. Her future is now in her hands, let it stay there----move on---fight for custody of your kid, and do what is necessare for YOU to have a good life

Very good chance the lovers won't even make it financially, down the road, but that is not your problem.


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## Bleeding

jnj express said:


> Time to forget about the lovers, start taking care of yourself. Her future is now in her hands, let it stay there----move on---fight for custody of your kid, and do what is necessare for YOU to have a good life
> 
> Very good chance the lovers won't even make it financially, down the road, but that is not your problem.


I know this may sound crazy but I still would like to save my marriage. Wife has a very good and well paid job and after selling everything 50/50 she wont be rich but wont be poor either, besides the house, we have some good assets and property together.


----------



## Entropy3000

Bleeding said:


> I know this may sound crazy but I still would like to save my marriage. Wife has a very good and well paid job and after selling everything 50/50 she wont be rich but wont be poor either, besides the house, we have some good assets and property together.


I am sure the OM is counting on this as benefit for him. But you don't stay with someone like this because they have a good job. Sorry, but the mistake was made and now putting the genie back in the bottle is extremely unlikely. The only way is to shock her into reality. But it sounds like this has been going on a very very long time.


----------



## the guy

B-
I know this is all new, but perception is everything when its this new. What I mean here is your W must see confindent man that is willing to move on with out her. This perception is ment to make her second guess and think twice about her choices in losing her marriage.

You may not be able to kick her out physically, but emotionaly you can ask her to leave. In doing this it tells her that you are strong enough to move on and there is a strong possiblity that she will lose you. Asking her to leave makes a strong statement in how strong you are in not tolorating her betrayal. Even if she doesn't leave you are making a huge statement that she must hear.

See in her world of fantasy she wants the marriage and have this emotional connection with OM. Its called cake eating and the sooner she starts to see that she is going to lose the marriage it may bring her this much closer to getting out of the fog.

Yes I know it sound weird to push them furthere away when deep down you want her back so bad, but thats the thing here this "fake additude" that you must show her may get her to believe that she is losing you....get it?

Poeple want what they can't have, and hopefully she sees a glimps of things to come when she sees you confidently moving on with out her. Fake it until you make it. We can only hope that soon she will get a taste of what it will be like when she loses you.

I know you don't want to lose her but she is fogged in and until she believes that you are wishing her the best in life and are not willing to share her, she then finds the reality that her recycling old relationships is a bad idea, and her continuing the affair has pushed you away.

You can leave the door open, by informing her what she needs to do, but until then you will move on and look for another partner that can give you what you need out of a relationship.

So continue to make this affair as uncomfortable and as in convienent as possible, and show your wife a confident man that can move on....no matter how weak you feel. Begging for your marriage will only empower your wife to continue. But with a smile on your face and a positive additude, she will think twice. 

Right now she is hoping that she can have her marriage and the OM. Soon she will want OM only. Then we can only pray that she sees the light and makes the healthy choice to keep her family together and leaves the OM.


----------



## aug

You're currently undergoing the stages of grief. Here are some descriptions of what you're going through and will go through:

Kübler-Ross model - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
7 STAGES OF GRIEF


The amount of time spent on each stage is different for each person.


----------



## Bleeding

Guys your right, I don't think there's much I can do to save my marriage anymore. OM ex wife just called me and told me something along the same lines to just let her go. They really have pined after each other for all this years, his wife told me during their marriage was a platonic relationship, she could never find anything to indicate more but that OM never got over my wife, he had an affair with my wife while engaged to her (this before I met my wife) cried on his wedding day cause "wanted her" put his life insurance while in iraq in my wife's name, carried her picture on his wallet like if she was his wife, had all the pictures they took while dating all over his bed over there, the other soldiers in his unit really thought she was his wife, gave my wife's contact as "the contact" to the military, withhold sex from his wife , always confided in my wife about everything he was going through over there instead of taking to her and the list goes on...I feel like such a ****ing fool...

Tonight I will talk to her and put my ****ing foot down...


----------



## Bleeding

aug said:


> You're currently undergoing the stages of grief. Here are some descriptions of what you're going through and will go through:
> 
> Kübler-Ross model - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
> 7 STAGES OF GRIEF
> 
> 
> The amount of time spent on each stage is different for each person.


Thanks aug, I'm gonna read...I do feel like I'm dying inside...


----------



## morituri

If there is any consolation from all of this is that once your wife and the OM finally get together, reality will burst their fantasy bubble. The same things that tore them apart will still be there with the added stressor of the OM's PTSD. Furthermore, seeing how they justified betraying the people they married, one or both will probably repeat the pattern of betrayal in the future - remember that there is no honor among thieves.

What can you do? Continue planning your divorce so that you will not get screwed by your stbxw. Read the post 'Just Let Them Go' underneath my signature - it is very powerful stuff. And lastly, change your mindset. The woman you thought you married? Guess what? *she never existed*. Keep telling yourself this over and over again until you emotionally accept it as the Gospel truth - which it is.


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## Arnold

The OM and your wife are ac ouple of very disturbed and disturbing people. They deserve one another.

Sorry they have put you through this. You sound like a very decent guy who deserves much better that someone like your wife.


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## Shaggy

Consider this , the easier you just let her go, the more likely she will fail in her new relationship,

If you fight for her, or get nasty, the two of them can use you to bond around. It becomes the two of them against you.

If you just tell her to go, but leave your kid, you remove the common threat (you). You force them to be having to be together without a binding force. I bet she finds him not to be the dream she has created around him. She is going to find him aggressive, over bearing, and controlling, he will eventually accuse her of cheating with you, if you can void bring the bad guy.

Just let your deluded wife go. Now, you may not want her back, since you'll likely loose all respect for her in the process.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bleeding

Thank you guys. Wife saw OM today, claims they "only cuddled and kissed" right?????? that they "couldn't make love" "felt really bad for me" I'm really honored for such respect and consideration!!!!! Serious!!!! 

Well we agreed to start working on the divorce papers, will start selling all assets and put the house and property to sell. 

Like you all pointed out there's no much I can do at this point to stop this **** from happening, she had a glow of happiness all over her face, her eyes were shinning when she talk about "just cuddle" with him, I feel sick to my stomach and I could bet they had sex!!!!


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## Arnold

Your wife is a sadistic jerk. Seriously, you can do much better than this loser. Ask her if there is anything you can do to expedite her leaving.


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## Sindo

Even though there seems little hope of saving your marriage at this point, please stick with the 180. The approach probably won't save your marriage, only she can do that. But it may very well save your sanity.

It's hard, but try to remember your wife's affair is not your first priority. Your first priority should be yourself and your child.


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## Bleeding

I will only talk to her about our son and the selling of the house and assets, I will go hard with the 180.

I checked their chats after they saw each other yesterday and it seems she told me the truth about they not having sex yet but what I read I would say they will very soon, they in fantasy land 100%, OM asked wife about getting married and he wants her to have his kids and I whole bunch of other ****, too painful to read... it's like they living outside of reality, I can't even explain it... They also don't know that I exposed it but they will very soon I guess and his father didn't call them yet...


----------



## lordmayhem

Bleeding said:


> I will only talk to her about our son and the selling of the house and assets, I will go hard with the 180.
> 
> I checked their chats after they saw each other yesterday and it seems she told me the truth about they not having sex yet but what I read I would say they will very soon, they in fantasy land 100%, OM asked wife about getting married and he wants her to have his kids and I whole bunch of other ****, too painful to read... it's like they living outside of reality, I can't even explain it... They also don't know that I exposed it but they will very soon I guess and his father didn't call them yet...


As badly as you're hurting right now, this could work to your advantage OM wants your WW to bear his children, and your WW is dying to. Make this a point in your divorce, and tell her you will happily let her go to OM, as long as she gives you full custody of your son. She's so far in fantasy land that I think she will readily agree to this. 

It looks like you've confirmed what I suspected: That you were only a substitute for OM from the beginning, and so was the OMW. Oh yeah, sure, they feel really sorry for what they did to you and the OMW, but they will be so blissfully happy once they're together. And yet her family thinks its your fault? To hell with them. They've known about this from the beginning. Blood really is thicker than water. 

Negotiate with her for full custody of your son while she's deep in the fog, do the 180, and start divorce proceedings ASAP. If you can, and if she agrees to give you full custody of your son, then have your lawyer draw up the temporary custody order so a judge can sign off on it.


----------



## aug

lordmayhem said:


> As badly as you're hurting right now, this could work to your advantage OM wants your WW to bear his children, and your WW is dying to. Make this a point in your divorce, and tell her you will happily let her go to OM, as long as she gives you full custody of your son. She's so far in fantasy land that I think she will readily agree to this.


I agree. Good time right now to negotiate full custody of your son. Get it in writing, even if it's in her handwriting and have her sign.

Some of the reasons why you should have full custody:
1. your wife and the OM should start anew without your son hindering their relationship.
2. She can completely concentrate her attention on the OM.
3. You will be out of the way and the OM do not have to worry about you and wonder whether or not your ex-wife is seeing you.
4. Your son wont be placed in danger, hurt or accidentally killed when the OM's PTSD gets triggered.
5. She can always visit her son whenever she wants.
6. Allows them more time to be together without your wife worrying about your son.

I'm sure there are more reasons...


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## vickyyy

leave your wife.You deserve better woman.


----------



## morituri

aug said:


> I agree. Good time right now to negotiate full custody of your son. Get it in writing, even if it's in her handwriting and have her sign.
> 
> Some of the reasons why you should have full custody:
> 1. your wife and the OM should start anew without your son hindering their relationship.
> 2. She can completely concentrate her attention on the OM.
> 3. You will be out of the way and the OM do not have to worry about you and wonder whether or not your ex-wife is seeing you.
> 4. Your son wont be placed in danger, hurt or accidentally killed when the OM's PTSD gets triggered.
> 5. She can always visit her son whenever she wants.
> 6. Allows them more time to be together without your wife worrying about your son.
> 
> I'm sure there are more reasons...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Excellent advice by Lordmayhem and Aug that you would be wise to pursue.

Your wife is a lost cause and the best thing you can do is to let her go to be with the OM. Sometimes the best way to kill an affair is to allow the idiots to have each other so they can start dealing with the sh*t of every day reality. Don't be surprised if after a year or so, these two so called soul mates will not be able to stand the sight of one another.


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## Bleeding

Thanks for the advice everyone. We talked this morning about the divorce, she does want joint custody, she is in no way willing to give up custody. I talked to my lawyer and if we agree to everything an uncontested divorce takes 60 days, if I decide to fight for full custody that I will very likely lose at this point, it will take more than year, my lawyer advised me to agree to the joint custody, get as much visitation days with my son as I can get and use that to keep an eye what is going on and at any signs of trouble immediately seek custody, he thinks I have a much better chance of getting it then, wife also thinks I want full custody to "force her" to stay with me. We going to start selling the assets and put the house for sale and who knows maybe this will bring her back to reality, I also intent us to file this week, I want her to see I mean business. While I'm devastated, could barely sleep and eat, she is happy!!!! For the first time in a long time she is happy!!! I'm going hard 180 and have not talked to her since this morning about the divorce and don't intent to, it's killing me inside but I will stick to it.


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## Arnold

She has such a bright future


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## tacoma

Arnold said:


> She has such a bright future


Yeah but she`s not coming back and Bleeding has to stop hoping she`ll "come around".

She`s not going to, she`s getting what she believes she wants most in the world and Bleeding should give it to her as quickly and painlessly as possible.

Then he should move on and get over it all as best he can cause she ain`t coming back.


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## calif_hope

Joint custody fine but you fight for physical custody, she gets the visitations and the OM is nit allowed near your son or it's supervised visitation.....fight for this. This could be a life/death issue......God Bless our fighting men and women - but some are coming back harming their loved ones and innocents. Friend, an ER doctor says at his hospital PTSD related violence statistics increasing every quarter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07

I've read many posts here but this thread made me very sad. The whole marriage was a sham. She never loved him. The OM and the WS were cheating him from day 1. She doesn't give a rat's ass about OP. The way he was discarded and dumped instantly made me feel real bad.


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## NotLikeYou

Bleeding- I'm very sorry to read what you are going through. However, it seems like you are handling it as well as anyone could hope to. You have gotten lots of good advice, and you are acting on it rapidly and decisively. Doing this will get you through this ugly phase of your life with the least angst and misery, even though it won't seem like it on some days.

I would like to re-emphasize some points that other posters have made, for the future when you are out of this situation and working on a better relationship with a good woman.

1) Don't tolerate your next wife staying friends with guys who had their penises in her previously. In fact, if she is staying friends with previous lovers while you're dating her, take the hint up front and save your time and money before you marry her.

2) Figure out the minimum amount of physical intimacy you are willing to accept. Then make sure you are getting it from your partner. Going without sex for a month should have started your alarm bells ringing. No sex for a year is so far outside "healthy" that you should have confronted her about it long ago. 

3) As Morituri astutely observed, the woman you married NEVER EXISTED. You thought you married a princess, but you actually married the wicked witch, who did the minimum required to secure you as a meal ticket, and who will harm you, going forward, every way she can. Because she intends you malice and emotional turmoil, it is really important that you establish and maintain a 180 face to her.

Whenever you have the urge to write her a letter, send her an email, or call her to tell her how badly she has hurt you, come on here and gripe instead. This person is toxic to you, and the less you interact with her, the better off you will be.

I wish you the best. You're going to make it through this and be better off when it is over.


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## Entropy3000

NotLikeYou said:


> Bleeding- I'm very sorry to read what you are going through. However, it seems like you are handling it as well as anyone could hope to. You have gotten lots of good advice, and you are acting on it rapidly and decisively. Doing this will get you through this ugly phase of your life with the least angst and misery, even though it won't seem like it on some days.
> 
> I would like to re-emphasize some points that other posters have made, for the future when you are out of this situation and working on a better relationship with a good woman.
> 
> 1) Don't tolerate your next wife staying friends with guys who had their penises in her previously. In fact, if she is staying friends with previous lovers while you're dating her, take the hint up front and save your time and money before you marry her.
> 
> 2) Figure out the minimum amount of physical intimacy you are willing to accept. Then make sure you are getting it from your partner. Going without sex for a month should have started your alarm bells ringing. No sex for a year is so far outside "healthy" that you should have confronted her about it long ago.
> 
> 3) As Morituri astutely observed, the woman you married NEVER EXISTED. You thought you married a princess, but you actually married the wicked witch, who did the minimum required to secure you as a meal ticket, and who will harm you, going forward, every way she can. Because she intends you malice and emotional turmoil, it is really important that you establish and maintain a 180 face to her.
> 
> Whenever you have the urge to write her a letter, send her an email, or call her to tell her how badly she has hurt you, come on here and gripe instead. This person is toxic to you, and the less you interact with her, the better off you will be.
> 
> I wish you the best. You're going to make it through this and be better off when it is over.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Bleeding

Thanks guys, this site is amazing and I'm really happy I found it in the mist of all this ordeal. Thank you for bringing good points, I for sure take your advice very serious and to the heart. I'm trying to keep my dignity the best I can and I'm trying to hold on whatever that may mean at this point. Wife and OM already know I exposed it but doesn't seem that is affecting their mind set at this point, his father also talked to both of them but I don't think it accomplished anything either. My wife is a doctor and she has seen many PTSD cases as well but I guess she thinks her situation is different or that she will fix him, I think it's amazing how she does not see the changes him, every single time he was deployed he came different, the last time we saw him after one of his deployments to iraq,we took him to lunch and was so clear to me what was going on, wife and I talked about it at the time and she agreed, he had that blank look on his eyes, like if there were nothing there. I have the biggest respect and gratitude to our men and women in uniform and really respect this guy for it, I don't wish on anyone what he endured there and the things he had to do, I respect him as a war veteran but can't respect him as a person anymore.

Wife and I gonna go through all the crap we have, basement, garage etc etc and start getting rid of everything... she is in a hurry and I won't stop her... I still love her and would still give her a chance if she would be willing to work this out but right now I don't see any chances of it.


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## Arnold

Please tell me there is a disparity in your incomes so you can try for spousal maintenance. Seriously, do not let any type of male pride keep you from going after this , if possible. Women have been getting maitenance for decades and now, it seems, finally, courts are applying this area of family law more equally.


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## Bleeding

Arnold said:


> Please tell me there is a disparity in your incomes so you can try for spousal maintenance. Seriously, do not let any type of male pride keep you from going after this , if possible. Women have been getting maitenance for decades and now, it seems, finally, courts are applying this area of family law more equally.


Not really. I have a very good job as well. I will require that every single expense with our son will be 50/50 and from now on all bills will be 50/50 as well, hopefully we can sell both the house and property we own fast but with this economy I'm not that optimistic.


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## Shaggy

Next get ready for how she and the POSOM think you can all be friends.

I've never met your wife, but from how callously she has treated you, and your son by ending his family, I can't see how she can be a doctor. She seems to lack the smallest amount of basic empathy. I'm so sorry for you and your son.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bleeding

Shaggy said:


> Next get ready for how she and the POSOM think you can all be friends.
> 
> I've never met your wife, but from how callously she has treated you, and your son by ending his family, I can't see how she can be a doctor. She seems to lack the smallest amount of basic empathy. I'm so sorry for you and your son.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks man. POSOM did told me he "hopes this will not ruin our friendship" loves me as "brother". My wife used to be a very compassionate, caring person, she worked giving free medical care to homeless vets at some point, I don't think she is this way anymore or maybe I was just deceived by her all along...I'm questioning everything at this point.


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## Arnold

Shaggy said:


> Next get ready for how she and the POSOM think you can all be friends.
> 
> I've never met your wife, but from how callously she has treated you, and your son by ending his family, I can't see how she can be a doctor. She seems to lack the smallest amount of basic empathy. I'm so sorry for you and your son.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Tree surgeon(apologies to tree surgeons)?


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## joe kidd

Bleeding said:


> Thanks man. POSOM did told me he "hopes this will not ruin our friendship" loves me as "brother". My wife used to be a very compassionate, caring person, she worked giving free medical care to homeless vets at some point, I don't think she is this way anymore or maybe I was just deceived by her all along...I'm questioning everything at this point.


Who in the hell needs a friend like that?


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## WhereAmI

Snap. You might want to warn his real brothers. Sheesh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Arnold

Care to homeless vets, eh? Don't get me started on the alleged humanitarian activities ny XW was engaged in. Let's just say that the homeless were getting more than hot meals.


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## Shaggy

Bleeding said:


> Thanks man. POSOM did told me he "hopes this will not ruin our friendship" loves me as "brother". My wife used to be a very compassionate, caring person, she worked giving free medical care to homeless vets at some point, I don't think she is this way anymore or maybe I was just deceived by her all along...I'm questioning everything at this point.


I think the appropriate reply to him would make a seasoned sailor cringe.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri

Nevertheless, make sure that your lawyer prepares your divorce settlement requests and other paperwork ASAP. Take advantage of her mental 'happy juice' condition to get the most before she turns nasty and vindictive. Be nice to her until everything is signed and filed.


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## Bleeding

Yea, POSOM and my wife by the matter don't think they are doing anything wrong they "sorry" but "I shouldn't make this any harder" but in his mind we can still be friends, I almost feel like if I'm the one who lost my ****ing mind. I just told him to go **** himself, my wife complained that "I hurt his feelings" by "denying him my friendship" I'm the one who is "cruel".

We going to the lawyer together tomorrow and get it done, you right, better get it done now than when she decides it's everything my fault and decides to get vindictive.


----------



## joe kidd

Bleeding said:


> Yea, POSOM and my wife by the matter don't think they are doing anything wrong they "sorry" but "I shouldn't make this any harder" but in his mind we can still be friends, I almost feel like if I'm the one who lost my ****ing mind. I just told him to go **** himself, my wife complained that "I hurt his feelings" by "denying him my friendship" I'm the one who is "cruel".
> 
> We going to the lawyer together tomorrow and get it done, you right, better get it done now than when she decides it's everything my fault and decides to get vindictive.


Wow. Just wow.


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## morituri

Bleeding said:


> Yea, POSOM and my wife by the matter don't think they are doing anything wrong they "sorry" but "I shouldn't make this any harder" but in his mind we can still be friends, I almost feel like if I'm the one who lost my ****ing mind. I just told him to go **** himself, my wife complained that "I hurt his feelings" by "denying him my friendship" I'm the one who is "cruel".


:wtf::wtf::wtf::wtf::wtf::wtf::wtf:

:scratchhead: :scratchhead: :scratchhead::scratchhead: :scratchhead: :scratchhead: :scratchhead: :scratchhead: :scratchhead::scratchhead: :scratchhead: :scratchhead::scratchhead: :scratchhead: :scratchhead::scratchhead: :scratchhead: :scratchhead: :scratchhead: :scratchhead: :scratchhead::scratchhead: :scratchhead: :scratchhead:


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## Bleeding

if wasn't for all the stories of BS I'm reading on this forum and for you guys I would really start questioning my sanity because they do act like nothing is wrong!!!!!!


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## Arnold

Bleeding said:


> Yea, POSOM and my wife by the matter don't think they are doing anything wrong they "sorry" but "I shouldn't make this any harder" but in his mind we can still be friends, I almost feel like if I'm the one who lost my ****ing mind. I just told him to go **** himself, my wife complained that "I hurt his feelings" by "denying him my friendship" I'm the one who is "cruel".
> 
> We going to the lawyer together tomorrow and get it done, you right, better get it done now than when she decides it's everything my fault and decides to get vindictive.


Yes, strike while her love juices are clouding her mind.

For anyone(like Bleeding here) that wants to see a scenario similar(with a Jewish spin) where the cheating wife nad he affair partner try to imply that the betrayed is acting hurtfully or "not like an adult" in response to this abuse, see "A Serious Man", by the Cohen brothers.
I have , in reality, seen this before, in real life, where the cheaters , actually, have the temerity to chastise the betrayed for his lack of evolvedness(think I made that one up). Thye try to shame him for not being all warm and fuzzy toward them. Made me sick and violent(I've recently gone Alpha).


----------



## the guy

IDK, sometimes its easier to tell them what they want to hear, get what you want out of the divorce and move on....never speaking to him again.
I know the betrayal is stooping to there level, but wouldn't it be interesting to have OM telling your W to let you have something out of the divorce b/c you are such a "good friend" to him. 

Just saying.....play off there fantasy fog, get everything you can out of the divorce then bail on him.

I have to go to church now...I feel evil...LOL


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## Arnold

the guy said:


> IDK, sometimes its easier to tell them what they want to hear, get what you want out of the divorce and move on....never speaking to him again.
> I know the betrayal is stooping to there level, but wouldn't it be interesting to have OM telling your W to let you have something out of the divorce b/c you are such a "good friend" to him.
> 
> Just saying.....play off there fantasy fog, get everything you can out of the divorce then bail on him.
> 
> I have to go to church now...I feel evil...LOL


This is not a bad idea.


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## Bleeding

So it's a PA now, I thought I would vent here instead of exploding to her face. The thing is we haven't had any sex, any physical contact for almost a year!!!!! When I think about it I cannot think of any time since we got married that we did indeed had sex without her just laying there and now she is having all this crazy sex with this OM, even bought some sexy stuff to wear!!!!!! Do you know how many times she did this for me??????????? NEVER EVER. So yes I'm feeling very bitter right now, for the life of me I can't understand HOW IS POSSIBLE I BEEN SUCH A ****ING FOOL ALL THIS TIME!!!!!


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## Arnold

Sorry your wife has done this. She is really messed up and you will be much better without her.
I think you may find, once you are out, that you have been subjected to a ton of abuse throughout the years. It is so insidious, that you get used to it. 
Once you are out, and, possibly, in another relationship(in due time, of course), you may see how much you put up with and accepted as normal relationship problems.


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## Chaparral

Bleeding said:


> So it's a PA now, I thought I would vent here instead of exploding to her face. The thing is we haven't had any sex, any physical contact for almost a year!!!!! When I think about it I cannot think of any time since we got married that we did indeed had sex without her just laying there and now she is having all this crazy sex with this OM, even bought some sexy stuff to wear!!!!!! Do you know how many times she did this for me??????????? NEVER EVER. So yes I'm feeling very bitter right now, for the life of me I can't understand HOW IS POSSIBLE I BEEN SUCH A ****ING FOOL ALL THIS TIME!!!!!


This is amazing, I would put her sh!t in a garbage bag and throw it in the front yard. Right after I changed the door locks.

Sorry, but I would not make it easy on them. This would be war.


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## Bleeding

Arnold said:


> Sorry your wife has done this. She is really messed up and you will be much better without her.
> I think you may find, once you are out, that you have been subjected to a ton of abuse throughout the years. It is so insidious, that you get used to it.
> Once you are out, and, possibly, in another relationship(in due time, of course), you may see how much you put up with and accepted as normal relationship problems.



Thanks, I really appreciate the support. I think your right, now that I look back on it I cannot believe I accepted this as "normal"!!! I feel sick to my stomach!!! One think I know I will never ever accept this in any future relationships I might have.


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## Bleeding

chapparal said:


> This is amazing, I would put her sh!t in a garbage bag and throw it in the front yard. Right after I changed the door locks.
> 
> Sorry, but I would not make it easy on them. This would be war.


I did thought about it, I never felt so much rage in my life, right now can't feel anything but hate towards both of them.


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## Shaggy

Make a big sign to put out front have it read:

My wife is cheating on me with a POSOM who claimed to be my friend, now he's sleeping with my wife, and oh btw I hurt his feelings when I told him I didn't think we could be friends anymore.


Stick it on your front lawn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bleeding

I guess they both overcame pretty fast the "feeling really bad for me" about having sex!!!!!


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## vickyyy

try to get physical custody of your chind


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## Arnold

Stay calm. Play nice.

You may not realize it, but to an outsider it is obvious. Your wife is trying to provoke you. 
If she is a physician, she is reasonably bright(only a few standard deviations below a lower functioning lawyer).
But, seriously, your wife has gradually been upping the ante here, with some fairly obvious provocative behavior. 
My first wife did this, first leaving clues, then becoming disdainful, and , finally coming home at 2 and waking me up to describe the body of the man she had been with that night.
Each time I would not explode, she would up the abuse. I now realize that she wanted me to get phsyical, so she could be the victim.
Do not discount this. I know it seems far fetched, as normal folks could never be so coniving. But, trust me,it is obvious what she is doing.
Unless she has been lobotomized, no person capable of becoming a doctor could be as insensitve as your wife unintentionally. There is a plan afoot here and it is designed to divest you of access to your kid and as many of the assets as possible.
It serves another purpose that is very, very important to your wife. She is looking to use a psychological concept known as the funadmental attribution error(look it up. it is interesting.)
Essentially, in its simplest form, it works like this. Wife discloses affair and acts horribly to H(as in your case). H erupts and does something normal, but out of character(punches holes in the wall,scrams, name calls etc).
Wife now points to this behavior(which was not present before the abuse((infidelity)) as having been present all along , thus causing her to be so afraid and desperate etc, that she was virtually forced to cheat.
I know. Who the F is this sinister?Happens a lot, believe me/ YOu need a voice activated recorder with you to record future interactions and protect yourslf to the extent possible.


----------



## lordmayhem

Bleeding said:


> So it's a PA now, I thought I would vent here instead of exploding to her face. The thing is we haven't had any sex, any physical contact for almost a year!!!!! When I think about it I cannot think of any time since we got married that we did indeed had sex without her just laying there and now she is having all this crazy sex with this OM, even bought some sexy stuff to wear!!!!!! Do you know how many times she did this for me??????????? NEVER EVER. So yes I'm feeling very bitter right now, for the life of me I can't understand HOW IS POSSIBLE I BEEN SUCH A ****ING FOOL ALL THIS TIME!!!!!


This is why you should try to get her to agree to full custody. Like you said, she is in a HURRY to get married to her OM. Use this to your advantage. Now that they've gone PA, the more she will want to hurry the divorce. Let her know that you will fight it and drag it out unless she gives you full custody. *Use her lust against her.* 

So sorry that this is happening. But at least you know that we were right: you were just a substitute for him all along. When she had sex with you, she just laid there like a zombie, while she's even dressing up for this POSOM. This is who she is. Your whole marriage was just a lie. But no, you were not a fool, but she did fool you. You loved her, and you thought she loved you. This does not make you a fool.


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## Initfortheduration

I agree. Make her wait. Use it as a bargaining chip.


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## warlock07

Ask her to keep her relationship out of your face for sometime until one of the two moves out. Tell her that she doesn't have to rub it into your face. Ask it as a favor if you have to. This thing is not good for your health.


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## Shaggy

The fact that she hasn't had sex with you in a year likely means it was already PA a year ago. Think back to when she shut you out, had he been around, or he away? Because it seems like they have had this planned for the past year and where waiting for him to be home.

Yes your wife is escalating and not caring at all how much she hurts you. That is now the monster she is, and why other than having to talk about your kid you should not speak to her. Why waste your breath talking to the devil, which is who she is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

Does your state have adultry as a reason for divorce?

Don't forget that any money she is spending on him is joint assets, get the costs and add it to the dvorce bill.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

lordmayhem said:


> This is why you should try to get her to agree to full custody. Like you said, she is in a HURRY to get married to her OM. Use this to your advantage. Now that they've gone PA, the more she will want to hurry the divorce. Let her know that you will fight it and drag it out unless she gives you full custody. *Use her lust against her.*
> 
> So sorry that this is happening. But at least you know that we were right: you were just a substitute for him all along. When she had sex with you, she just laid there like a zombie, while she's even dressing up for this POSOM. This is who she is. Your whole marriage was just a lie. But no, you were not a fool, but she did fool you. You loved her, and you thought she loved you. This does not make you a fool.



:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Ask your lawyer how long you can drag it out and use that as a bargaining chip.

I'm guessing she cut you off hoping you would leave her a long time ago. At least you screwed that plan up.

I would be [email protected] if I would make it easy for my wife and friend to destroy my life like this.

Tell them she can only communicate with you through your lawyer/third party. Get a restraing order on your "friend" to stay away and have no contact with you or your son.

Let everyone they know/work with, what is going on. Time to destroy this fantasy bullsh!t.


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## lordmayhem

I know, it's absolutely sick what she and OM did to bleeding and the OMW. In her deluded mind, she probably can't understand why bleeding isn't happy for her.


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## aug

Expose both of them in CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know Hopefully her callousness will catch up with her.

Dont forget to continue collecting proofs. Keep them secure off-site.


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## Shaggy

aug said:


> Expose both of them in CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know Hopefully her callousness will catch up with her.
> 
> Dont forget to continue collecting proofs. Keep them secure off-site.


Best idea today, and she can't be mad since they aren't cheating they are in love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

aug said:


> Expose both of them in CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know Hopefully her callousness will catch up with her.
> 
> Dont forget to continue collecting proofs. Keep them secure off-site.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

When anyone Googles their name this will come up. Adulterers should not have an easy, free ride as a reward to the evil they commit.


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## morituri

Your focus should be on you and your child NOT on retaliation - that can come later after you obtain full custody of your child. *Use emotional jiu-jitsu on her and the OM.*


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## Sindo

morituri said:


> Your focus should be on you and your child NOT on retaliation - that can come later after you obtain full custody of your child. *Use emotional jiu-jitsu on her and the OM.*


:iagree::iagree:

Exposing them on cheaterville is unnecessary by now, and counterproductive.

Do not trade short-term satisfaction for long-term gains. You're fighting for yourself and your child. Don't lose focus.


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## Bleeding

Thanks guys. I really appreciate the amazing support I'm getting here. I'm not doing to well today, I don't know if is normal but it seems the reality is setting in and it's just becoming too much to handle, I'm not on my best mental and emotional today, my lawyer advised me to seek IC and I think I will, I'm really struggling. 

Wife is not willing to give up custody or to move out, I would love to drag this as much as I possible through the courts and make their life a hell, the thing is if I do that it will be hell and until the house is sold we will be living together, at this point she is playing nice and going along with selling everything in a 50/50 basis and willing to share custody, if on the other hand I decide to drag this out she can refuse good deals for selling the house and we will be stuck living together for a long time mentally I can't handle it, I have no prove but I strongly believe she is trying to get pregnant, I won't be able to handle watch her around the house pregnant with someone else's child. I would also be expending financial resources that I believe I will need at some point in the future to get full custody of my son. 

You are all right that they probably had planned this long ago, he has been out of state for this past year but like some of you said they very likely had this planned all along to when he would come home.

I'm trying to keep my dignity and my sanity for myself and my son, we agreed this morning that all conversations will be just about the divorce procedures and our son, we will also come up with some sort of agreement tonight about sharing the house, I don't want to deal with her around here, I want take one floor and demand she takes the other, I can't look at her.


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## NotLikeYou

Bleeding- I know things totally suck right now, but looking from the outside in, I think you are doing really good with this awful situation. I think your idea of taking one floor of the house and telling her to stay on the other until arrangements are made is pure genius. It is a very good way to minimize contact with her while things unfold.

The most important things right now are to look after yourself and your son. Just know that you are going to make it through this. 

Keep your chin up, man.


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## Shaggy

So she expects to have you continue the status quo while she lives thee, and you watch the kid so she can date/sleep with POSOM? Is she going to e bringing him over to the house for playtime?

I understand your fear, but she is so outright treating you like a worthless doormat that it is going to cause long term emotional harm to you and your son.

Stop turning the other cheek and letting her get her way. When she wants to go out with POSOM, tell her you have to go out and can't watch your son. That you will not provide support services to enable her being a cheating skank.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bleeding

I can't kick her out, she owns half of the house, legally I just can't, sadly. I made clear I will not be watching our son while she goes out with him, at this point she is seeing him when she is not working and son is at daycare or spending time with the in laws. 

She is working pretty hard to find a buyer for the house and so am I, even if doesn't sell for a good price at this point I will take it, I just want to get rid of her and this nightmare. I feel sick and disgusted by her.


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## Eli-Zor

> if on the other hand I decide to drag this out she can refuse good deals for selling the house and we will be stuck living together for a long time


I assure you she will be more desperate to bail than you , apply the pressure and don't let her walk over you. Fight with every fiber for your son , you will get one chance at this, mess this up and your son will be calling the OM dad.

There is no 50/50. demand not ask for primary custody and fight her for it, if it drags the process out it is her problem. Waywards don't like messy fight it ruins their fantasy. 

Your wife is abusing you and even if you are in a no fault state you can enter her affair with the OM as the reason and I am sure a civil case can be made against both of them for misleading you. 

The only reason they walk away happy in affair land leaving you crying is if you allow it. 

Have you told her parents, mailed his friends on Facebook or his co-workers and exposed to her friends.

Even if you are divorcing set the scene that people know what malicious manipulators they are.


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## Bleeding

Eli-Zor said:


> I assure you she will be more desperate to bail than you , apply the pressure and don't let her walk over you. Fight with every fiber for your son , you will get one chance at this, mess this up and your son will be calling the OM dad.
> 
> There is no 50/50. demand not ask for primary custody and fight her for it, if it drags the process out it is her problem. Waywards don't like messy fight it ruins their fantasy.
> 
> Your wife is abusing you and even if you are in a no fault state you can enter her affair with the OM as the reason and I am sure a civil case can be made against both of them for misleading you.
> 
> The only reason they walk away happy in affair land leaving you crying is if you allow it.
> 
> Have you told her parents, mailed his friends on Facebook or his co-workers and exposed to her friends.
> 
> Even if you are divorcing set the scene that people know what malicious manipulators they are.


Yes, I did expose to everyone but nothing really came out of it, wife and OM don't care and no one really wished to get involved. We own everything together, legally it will be split 50/50 as far as custody goes at this point I will lose and I do need to save the resources I will have to fight for my son when I can really win. I live in a no fault state and I can bash her in court as much as I want it will not accomplished anything at this point. If I drag it it will take about a year no more than that, I don't want to live in this hell for year, other way in two months we can be done and I can work on myself and my sanity and have a decent home for my son and to fight for him when the time comes, at the first hint of anything going on I will seek full custody, her life will be a mess by then and I will be stable and able to win in court.


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## Chaparral

Bleeding said:


> Yes, I did expose to everyone but nothing really came out of it, wife and OM don't care and no one really wished to get involved. We own everything together, legally it will be split 50/50 as far as custody goes at this point I will lose and I do need to save the resources I will have to fight for my son when I can really win. I live in a no fault state and I can bash her in court as much as I want it will not accomplished anything at this point. If I drag it it will take about a year no more than that, I don't want to live in this hell for year, other way in two months we can be done and I can work on myself and my sanity and have a decent home for my son and to fight for him when the time comes, at the first hint of anything going on I will seek full custody, her life will be a mess by then and I will be stable and able to win in court.


Not from what I have seen in Ky. Is this the advice your lawyer is giving you? Have you been to any divorced dads websites. There are lawyers out there that are pro fathers.


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## Shaggy

Talk to the inlaws and tell the to stop watching your son so she can screw around.

As for daycare, talk to your lawyer. If your paying for daycare so she can carry on her affair, you can claim back 50% oftye money's it costs.

Really, go for every thing that enables the affair or costs you. She is desperate to be free, use that against her, since at this point who in their right mind woud want her back?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bleeding

Yes I looked at dads websites. She is a disgusting ***** but I have no prove she is a bad mother and everyone says what a great mom she is, I have no one who will say she is a bad mother, the fact my son is only 3 years old plays a roll I will not get custody at this point, I will drag it and will lose and when the time comes I won't have the resources to fight it and my sanity will be gone by then.


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## Bleeding

The in laws spend time with my son a couple of times a week, they always have, they don't care about the affair, I already talked to them and not much came out of it. The day care is already payed 50/50.


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## Bleeding

I still love her but I don't want her anymore, the sight of her disgusts me.


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## morituri

Bleeding said:


> I still love her but I don't want her anymore, the sight of her disgusts me.


CORRECTION: You love the woman you 'perceived' she was. Sadly that woman NEVER existed. The sooner you accept this reality the faster your emotional healing will proceed.


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## aug

Bleeding said:


> The in laws spend time with my son a couple of times a week, they always have, they don't care about the affair, I already talked to them and not much came out of it. The day care is already payed 50/50.




Really? They dont care? Let's hope the moral apathy does not reach the third generation. Here's hoping that you can counteract the moral influences of your wife and in-laws on your son.


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## Bleeding

morituri said:


> CORRECTION: You love the woman you 'perceived' she was. Sadly that woman NEVER existed. The sooner you accept this reality the faster your emotional healing will proceed.


Yes that woman never existed, as painful as it is, the real her is probably what I'm seeing now.


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## calif_hope

You are getting bad advice from your attorney.....suck it up and fight now, their is no later, it will be harder to overturn an agreement that you agreed to, than fight now to get what you need for you sons sake. Fight, how will you feel if if that PTSD hurts your son. In my area the live in OM of a women who left her husband to be with this guy was just sent to prison for killing her 4 year old son in a fit of rage. The piece of **** tried the insanity and PTSD defense.

Look, the longer and harder you fight dilutes the foggy dream reality the set-up in their minds.......the more you delay her dream life the more likely she will agree to terms favorable to you and your son and the mire likely they will demonstrate their mutual sickness to others and get mire support for your full custody of your son. 

You know I would go 180 on your inlaws also, don't facilitate time with your son....they chosen sides and it not you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bleeding

aug said:


> Really? They dont care? Let's hope the moral apathy does not reach the third generation. Here's hoping that you can counteract the moral influences of your wife and in-laws on your son.[/QUO
> 
> The in laws attitude is that is always someone else's fault but their daughter, she can do no wrong.


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## Bleeding

calif_hope said:


> You are getting bad advice from your attorney.....suck it up and fight now, their is no later, it will be harder to overturn an agreement that you agreed to, than fight now to get what you need for you sons sake. Fight, how will you feel if if that PTSD hurts your son. In my area the live in OM of a women who left her husband to be with this guy was just sent to prison for killing her 4 year old son in a fit of rage. The piece of **** tried the insanity and PTSD defense.
> 
> Look, the longer and harder you fight dilutes the foggy dream reality the set-up in their minds.......the more you delay her dream life the more likely she will agree to terms favorable to you and your son and the mire likely they will demonstrate their mutual sickness to others and get mire support for your full custody of your son.
> 
> You know I would go 180 on your inlaws also, don't facilitate time with your son....they chosen sides and it not you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



At this point I will not get custody. I can fight now, lose my sanity and money I can use when I really can win and I strongly believe this will happen. I will be able to keep an eye on my son and what is going on much better if I just let her go and agree to shared custody. I don't want her back. OM friend's have his back, my wife's friends don't want to get involved or already believe I'm the monster, no one really cares, one thing this is showing me is that people lost all sense of right and wrong.


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## Entropy3000

Bleeding said:


> At this point I will not get custody. I can fight now, lose my sanity and money I can use when I really can win and I strongly believe this will happen. I will be able to keep an eye on my son and what is going on much better if I just let her go and agree to shared custody. I don't want her back. OM friend's have his back, my wife's friends don't want to get involved or already believe I'm the monster, no one really cares, one thing this is showing me is that people lost all sense of right and wrong.


You are seeing that in many of these cases if the woman chooses to do this she is going to get support much of the time from the extended family. Men are often daemonized. For others they just figure he could not meet her needs and she sought comfort elsewhere. BUT the thing is that the in-laws are going to support her even if she is wrong. They want to see their grand child. If they support you they risk that. They know how this stuff goes so they go with the winning side which is going to be the mother most of the time. Sometimes the husband will get sympathy from a lot of folks, but that is not worth a whole lot.

We are not talking about an equitable situation. There is really nothing tough for her to deal with here except some inconvenience. She is getting her way. If she chooses she can make your visitation very difficult. She could move.


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## Arnold

Bleeding said:


> aug said:
> 
> 
> 
> Really? They dont care? Let's hope the moral apathy does not reach the third generation. Here's hoping that you can counteract the moral influences of your wife and in-laws on your son.[/QUO
> 
> The in laws attitude is that is always someone else's fault but their daughter, she can do no wrong.
> 
> 
> 
> One of the best environments for a narcissist to develop.
Click to expand...


----------



## Bleeding

Entropy3000 said:


> You are seeing that in many of these cases if the woman chooses to do this she is going to get support much of the time from the extended family. Men are often daemonized. For others they just figure he could not meet her needs and she sought comfort elsewhere. BUT the thing is that the in-laws are going to support her even if she is wrong. They want to see their grand child. If they support you they risk that. They know how this stuff goes so they go with the winning side which is going to be the mother most of the time.
> 
> We are not talking about an equitable situation. There is really nothing tough for her to deal with here except some inconvenience. She is getting her way. If she chooses she can make your visitation very difficult. She could move.


Yes, thats why I want to agree to shared custody where I will very easily have access to my son and know what is going on, I will be able to protect him better and when the time comes seek full custody with prove of her being an unfit mother, right now I don't have that, the affair is not enough legally to get full custody or say that she is a bad mother, not at least in court. Everything we own is in both our names no matter what she will get 50/50, she has her own money and job, its not fair but it's my reality.

You nail it, my in laws are on their own struggle, it's their favourite grandchild.


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## Bleeding

Arnold said:


> Bleeding said:
> 
> 
> 
> One of the best environments for a narcissist to develop.
> 
> 
> 
> I believe my wife must be one.
Click to expand...


----------



## Chaparral

Bleeding said:


> At this point I will not get custody. I can fight now, lose my sanity and money I can use when I really can win and I strongly believe this will happen. I will be able to keep an eye on my son and what is going on much better if I just let her go and agree to shared custody. I don't want her back. OM friend's have his back, my wife's friends don't want to get involved or already believe I'm the monster, no one really cares, one thing this is showing me is that people lost all sense of right and wrong.


Why do you keep saying you can't get custody? You must have reasons you are not sharing.


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## Bleeding

chapparal said:


> Why do you keep saying you can't get custody? You must have reasons you are not sharing.


No reason rather than no court will give full custody to the father of a 3 year old unless I can prove the mother is unfit, she is not, she is ****ing ***** and we can argue that makes her a bad mother but not in court.


----------



## Chaparral

Bleeding said:


> No reason rather than no court will give full custody to the father of a 3 year old unless I can prove the mother is unfit, she is not, she is ****ing ***** and we can argue that makes her a bad mother but not in court.


Are you sure? While cheating doesn't matter in a divorce, in someplaces I've heard it does in custody hearings. Her boyfriend has ptsd and I assume his medical records could be supoenaed. 

If you drug out divorce battle she may be willing to give you majority custody. That would be easier to get full custody later.

OTOH her plan is to probably to get you out of the house so she can simply replace you in the family. Look out for this. Otherwise she would be jumping to get out and be with OM.

It looks like the way you're working it they have smooth sailing and you don't really mind that much. Just being roommates and all.


----------



## Arnold

Bleeding said:


> No reason rather than no court will give full custody to the father of a 3 year old unless I can prove the mother is unfit, she is not, she is ****ing ***** and we can argue that makes her a bad mother but not in court.


I think you are right. Go for 50/50 and stay vigilant. No sense throwing $$ at a losing cause.


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## Bleeding

She doesn't want the house. She will not move for court reasons and custody reasons but she has no intentions of moving in with him here, she wants everything sold and her share of the money. I want everything sold as well so I can get my own place and have a stable home for my son, I'm done with her and as fast as we get done with this the better, she will screw it and I will then have the resources and stability to get full custody.


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## calif_hope

Look maybe I am not being clear.....I am not advocating you go for full custody.....what I am advocating is primary physical custody, you being the primary parent.....still can be 50/50 but it is her with the visitation. 

You can demonstrate to the court in any one of the 50 states that you are the most "responsible" parent without degrading her worth or value (ha ha) as a parent. The PTSD can be an issue for the courts to hear and deal with. 

What I am saying is go for physical custody or primary custody - gives you a bit more control...............I agree full custody is beyond reach.


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## Arnold

I would love to see him get primary custody. But, assuming he has a competent lawyer, that guy should know the lay of the land in his jurisdiction.
In MN, my lawyer, a classmate who wrote the local deskbook on family law, essentially tol me that I would spend tens of thousands with about a 5% chance at best. Her exact advice was "In MN, it does not matter if she was giving BJs down on Hennepin Ave. As long as the kids were nt endangered or witness, yu have little chance."
Now, his facts may be different as my XW stayed home with the kids. So, if he has the resources, he can try. But, despite the progress that has been made in this area, there is a bias for the mom.
The PTSF, if diagnosed,as well as the long term subtrfuge and fraud , may influence a judge, thogu.
Same wit the NPD is you can find a saavy neutral psych evaluator. But, NPDs are very good at masking.


----------



## Bleeding

Divorce was filed today. We agreed that custody will be shared, our son will stay a week with me, a week with her. We also had a talk this morning I told her how I feel about OM's PTSD and our son, she told me if it ever becomes an issue she will leave our son with me, that she would never put him at risk, she did sound sincere and about this I believe her. She also told me they are indeed trying to get her pregnant, if I had any doubts about D this kills any chances.


----------



## Locard

Well there. And guys, PTSD does't make one into a baby killer.....


----------



## tacoma

Locard said:


> Well there. And guys, PTSD does't make one into a baby killer.....


No but it is an angle that gives bleeding a decent position for a custody battle down the line.

Alls fair in love and war...no holds barred in divorce.


----------



## aug

Bleeding said:


> Divorce was filed today. We agreed that custody will be shared, our son will stay a week with me, a week with her. We also had a talk this morning I told her how I feel about OM's PTSD and our son, she told me if it ever becomes an issue she will leave our son with me, that she would never put him at risk, she did sound sincere and about this I believe her. She also told me they are indeed trying to get her pregnant, if I had any doubts about D this kills any chances.



At least now your future is clearer for you.


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## Bleeding

yup but as crazy as it is I still love this woman


----------



## lordmayhem

Bleeding said:


> yup but as crazy as it is I still love this woman


That's because you're still new to this. Once you have detached from her and healed, you will one day ask yourself "What the hell was I thinking?". That realization hit me after my divorce.


----------



## Chaparral

Bleeding said:


> yup but as crazy as it is I still love this woman


As bad as this women has treated you, you should get over her quicker than most. And LM is right, you're not going to be looking back on her fondly with love, more like disgust.

Since you have filed for divorce its time to start going out. The quickest way to get over someone is to start dating other people. 

Especially since its so long since being laid. It will also shake up your wife LOL.

You have plenty of time to get even by the way.


----------



## Shaggy

Well if she does get knocked up, find the smells which are most offensive and fill your life with them. For instance if she doesn't like the smell of garlic, I would use cooking non stop with garlic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri

Have you consulted with your attorney about her getting pregnant while still legally married to you? I ask because in many States, a child born in a marriage is considered a child of the marriage even if the husband is not the biological father of that child.


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## Bleeding

Thanks guys, if wasn't for this website I don't know what I would have done. I hope I can get over this feelings and her, I still love her so much that call me nuts but this morning I was even considered taking her back if she wanted to.

Yes I asked my lawyer, he said that cause we already filed for divorce if she gets pregnant by the time the child would be born we will be already divorced.


----------



## Chaparral

morituri said:


> Have you consulted with your attorney about her getting pregnant while still legally married to you? I ask because in many States, a child born in a marriage is considered a child of the marriage even if the husband is not the biological father of that child.


I was thinking the same thing, especially since you're still living together.

Your stbxw is acting like a fool, can't believe this isn't going to blow up in her face after the shine wears off.

Do you have any details of POSOM's ptsd? She's obviously already thinking about it since it has occured to her she might have to leave your child with you.


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## warlock07

Bleeding said:


> yup but as crazy as it is I still love this woman


You need one good slap. Do you realize that you are lower than dirt to her?


----------



## Bleeding

If I remember correctly he was diagnosed around 2008/2009, I know basically what he shared with me a lot of nightmares, panic attacks, flashbacks, detachment, very suspicious of everything, would call my wife in the middle of the night and cry for hours, the blank look in his eyes (this I saw) I know things got pretty bad cause he was on medication at least at some point, maybe still is I don't know. Despite this the army kept sending him back and every time he just got worse, he was discharged due to the PTSD and some of the injures he got over there, he was wounded at least two times, the last time was pretty serious.


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## Bleeding

warlock07 said:


> You need one good slap. Do you realize that you are lower than dirt to her?



I know man, I feel like a fool


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## Chaparral

Bleeding said:


> I know man, I feel like a fool


Hard to believe someone as educated as a doctor could be so lacking in feelings for other people. Have you looked up the clinical definition of narcissim? She sounds like a sociopath. She is unbelievably (unconciously?) cruel.


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## aug

warlock07 said:


> You need one good slap. Do you realize that you are lower than dirt to her?




too funny... (in a good way)


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## Bleeding

chapparal said:


> Hard to believe someone as educated as a doctor could be so lacking in feelings for other people. Have you looked up the clinical definition of narcissim? She sounds like a sociopath. She is unbelievably (unconciously?) cruel.


Arnold also posted something about it and I looked it up. I know it's difficult to believe but she is or at least was a very caring person, very compassionate towards others and as hard as it is and now that I think about it she was always very caring and concerned about OM, red flags that I did not see.


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## tacoma

Bleeding,

You`re guilty of not setting boundaries for your own security so she could have what she wanted.

And yes, you`re guilty of being her fool but everyone who has ever been in love has been someone`s fool to some extent.

Don`t beat yourself over it, learn from it and use it to make the next relationship you have more secure and meaningful.


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## Bleeding

It's a hard lesson but I learned it. Contact with ex bf's won't be acceptable in any of my future relationships


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## Onedery

Bleeding, once you are rid of your :"caring" ex wife, you need to develop acquaintances rather than relationships.
In this way, should one wish to contact ex bf's it won't concern you in the least.
This has worked very well for me and I see no reason to return to the life of being the fool who gives his all to provide for the unappreciative.


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## Arnold

Bleeding said:


> Divorce was filed today. We agreed that custody will be shared, our son will stay a week with me, a week with her. We also had a talk this morning I told her how I feel about OM's PTSD and our son, she told me if it ever becomes an issue she will leave our son with me, that she would never put him at risk, she did sound sincere and about this I believe her. She also told me they are indeed trying to get her pregnant, if I had any doubts about D this kills any chances.


This woman is an MD? I have taken a lot of doctor's depos and some of them are dumb as rocks(just like a lot of judges((but they often have "good hair")) ).
But, this woman is a monster and a dumb one at that.


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## Bleeding

Arnold said:


> This woman is an MD? I have taken a lot of doctor's depos and some of them are dumb as rocks(just like a lot of judges((but they often have "good hair")) ).
> But, this woman is a monster and a dumb one at that.


I could use the good laugh, humor helps!!! For what is worth she is indeed a very beautiful woman with great hair!!!


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## Bleeding

Shaggy said:


> She ugly on the inside however. Just look into your son's eyes when mommy breaks up his family.



She is but I still love her so much that I know sounds nuts but if she would have a change of heart I would still work things out and keep our family together.


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## Shaggy

So Bleeding, you have a new project - moving on from her. It's the healthiest thing for you, and for your son


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## Bleeding

Shaggy said:


> So Bleeding, you have a new project - moving on from her. It's the healthiest thing for you, and for your son


I guess is just too many drinks talking...


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## Shaggy

Stop the drinking - I understand the idea behind it, but that last thing you want her to be able to use your drinking against you.


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## ing

Hi Bleeding.
I have had to stay away from your thread for a while because I pretty much could have written it  Triggered me really badly.

I am now 8.5 months from Dday. I am happy most of the time; but it appears that I have PTSD according to the Psyche. 
Result of severe emotional trauma..

Don't expect it to end here..

In a few months when her new love dies, After her infatuation there needs to be real love. She will look back and see what she has done. 
She will see the devastation and she may even see your pain. It will eat at her, as it should. 
She may want to come back. 

By then your heart will be mending, a thousand pieces, not a million tiny shards. 
She will look at you with pain in her eyes. 
She will want her family back. The man who stood by her. The man who wanted to make things right.

But the damage will be so great. her presence so painful, that even contemplating an R will be unfathomable. You may even want to; but the pain you would have to go through only brings you back to the point where she said. "It's over. I love him" 
Unless you want a the scars to be re-opened then it must end for you.

She wants to be friends. She is not your friend. She may be someone you can talk to. Friends don't do this to friends. It is that simple. 

For your child you can maybe share a coffee and chat about superficial things. The weather, The traffic. Beyond that there is just too deep a hole to fall into. This will take time, and be on your terms. She will probably try and remember the past with you, like this was a break. Like this was a planned separation to re-evaluate. 
Just talk about the weather. 
The traffic
Just redirect. 


I understand you still love her. Love takes time to die. All the techniques and all the good advice here will not hurry that death. It will help you move on. It will help you overcome this quickly, But it will take years. We just learn to live with the loss. The loss of the person who loved you and cherished you, not this woman. Not her. 
I am so sorry Bleeding. I am so sorry you joined us here. I am sorry that I could not join in before, but, You will make it. For the sake of your child and for the sake of love. 

Perhaps I am writing this for me, but there are so many of us who feel your pain, and know that you feel so alone. 

In time. You will meet someone special. You will be liked in all ways and you will have healed.


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## Almostrecovered

the true irony in this-

her affair started on helping someone with PTSD, now she is giving someone PTSD (her husband)


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## Arnold

Almostrecovered said:


> the true irony in this-
> 
> her affair started on helping someone with PTSD, now she is giving someone PTSD (her husband)


Yeah, if you consider blowing the guy helping.


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## Almostrecovered

well bottom line was the the level of help she should have given was recommending a good shrink


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## Sindo

Almostrecovered said:


> the true irony in this-
> 
> her affair started on helping someone with PTSD, now she is giving someone PTSD (her husband)


I'm hopeful he comes out of this relatively unscathed. Yes, the trauma is severe. But Bleeding's story hasn't been drawn out like some of the other stories you might see on this board. To say he's been deeply hurt is an understatement. But if he can just let them go, and get regular IC early on, he may avoid some of the scarring.


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## Bleeding

Thanks guys, I really appreciate how supportive and helpful everyone here has been. I'm done with drinking, I haven't been on a good place for this last couple of days, I think I'm coming out of my own fog and realizing it's really over, I don't know if this is normal but every passing day is like it hits me stronger not only that I'm getting divorce but that my whole marriage was a lie, it feels like dead inside and I'm really lost right now...

Ing, man I feel so much for you, I'm so sorry that you been going through this hell as well and have PTSD, I'm so very sorry man, your post just brought me to tears. I went dark on her, she is on the first floor, I'm on the second and besides talk about anything related to our son and selling the house and stuff I going dark on her, not a word, a look, nothing... It sucks see their happiness all over facebook... friends posting congratulations....congratulations for what????? Destroying our family... WTF is wrong with people????? Is like there's no right or wrong anymore!!!! A married woman advertises she is trying to get pregnant from someone who is not her husband and people's response is congratulations??????? WTF is going on in the world?????? This is a ****ing nightmare and I just want to wake up!!!! And yes I still love her, would still take her back if she would change her mind... I feel I'm losing my sanity!!!


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## Onedery

Bleeding, I think you got off the sauce too quickly if you are saying you would take her back. Much the same as with a lot of us here , she was just using you until she could land whatever she really wanted. I guess there was a time I wanted to set things right with my ex, but she managed to put that light out when she let me know that I wasn't her kid's father.
You need to acquire some resolve in this matter and start thinking about YOURSELF.


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## Bleeding

Onedery said:


> Bleeding, I think you got off the sauce too quickly if you are saying you would take her back. Much the same as with a lot of us here , she was just using you until she could land whatever she really wanted. I guess there was a time I wanted to set things right with my ex, but she managed to put that light out when she let me know that I wasn't her kid's father.
> You need to acquire some resolve in this matter and start thinking about YOURSELF.


I know man, she told me she never really loved me or wanted her marriage to me, that it was all a mistake, she admitted she has always wanted the OM all along but I been in this marriage for real, I really love her, I know I can't control her or make her want to fix things but right now I don't know how to find closure.


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## Chaparral

Bleeding said:


> Thanks guys, I really appreciate how supportive and helpful everyone here has been. I'm done with drinking, I haven't been on a good place for this last couple of days, I think I'm coming out of my own fog and realizing it's really over, I don't know if this is normal but every passing day is like it hits me stronger not only that I'm getting divorce but that my whole marriage was a lie, it feels like dead inside and I'm really lost right now...
> 
> Ing, man I feel so much for you, I'm so sorry that you been going through this hell as well and have PTSD, I'm so very sorry man, your post just brought me to tears. I went dark on her, she is on the first floor, I'm on the second and besides talk about anything related to our son and selling the house and stuff I going dark on her, not a word, a look, nothing... It sucks see their happiness all over facebook... friends posting congratulations....congratulations for what????? Destroying our family... WTF is wrong with people????? Is like there's no right or wrong anymore!!!! A married woman advertises she is trying to get pregnant from someone who is not her husband and people's response is congratulations??????? WTF is going on in the world?????? This is a ****ing nightmare and I just want to wake up!!!! And yes I still love her, would still take her back if she would change her mind... I feel I'm losing my sanity!!!


Well, the good news is you are not the one that's insane. That would be your psycho wife and your brain damaged ex friend. Evidently, their friends are also brain damaged. People I know would blow them off as soon as they figured out what was going on.

Quit looking at FB. Work on yourself. Go places, meet people and start looking at new female prospects.

Actually when some time has passed you will see a lot of good has come out of this. You will figure out that you can't believe that you were married to someone that is so filled with such a lack of compassion, honesty, integrity. The words that describe her are heartless, hateful,mean, untrustworthy, false, loveless, inhumane, etc.

Can't believe she is a doctor.

You WILL find a better person who loves you. Right now 99% of the women are better people than she is. Trust me, any good person finding out what she has done will turn on her in a heartbeat. The rest don't matter.


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## vickyyy

If she dont have any respect for u then she dont deserve any respect from u.

People in facebook dont know the truth.leave them.


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## Bleeding

I really appreciate and I'm very grateful for everyone's support and advice. I been keeping myself away from facebook and all the drama that comes along with it. I found out tonight that OM has cancer, I don't know for how long my wife knows about it but may explain the rush to get the divorce done with, despite everything I feel sad for him and after everything he already went through I would never wish him something like this. I wish none of this had happened and I could be here for my "friend".


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## lordmayhem

You're feelings of love for your WW and your sympathy for your back stabbing friend will fade and be replaced by anger when you finally hit that stage in the grieving process.

BTW, how did you find out OM has cancer? From your WW or an independent source? I would seriously doubt the info if it came from her. Either way it's irrelevant. She loves her OM so much, she can have him, PTSD, cancer, and all. I certainly hope that you aren't going to pine away for her or be her back up plan for the next two years as a member of this forum was.


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## Eli-Zor

The OM may have cancer or he may not , I had a family member who was a wayward say the same, even to the point of shaving the hair and eyebrows off with Facebook postings giving updates as to the supposed treatment. This particular wayward had an amazing recovery once the truth was revealed . It is sometimes used as a sympathy tool to manipulate a situation. 

For a start don't believe it, and if it is true that is his problem not yours . This OM has no moral compass and has shown he is more than willing to deceive his ex wife and destroy your family. 

You may have empathy as you would for any other person but this should not distract you from what they are doing to you , they are working in a cold calculating methodical way to destroy everything you hold dear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem

Eli-Zor said:


> The OM may have cancer or he may not , I had a family member who was a wayward say the same, even to the point of shaving the hair and eyebrows off with Facebook postings giving updates as to the supposed treatment. This particular wayward had an amazing recovery once the truth was revealed . It is sometimes used as a sympathy tool to manipulate a situation.


Wow! The lengths some people will go to thru to propagate a lie and garner sympathy.


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## Sindo

Guys, Bleeding's stbxw is a doctor. If he were faking, I'm sure she'd figure it out.

That said, depending on what type of cancer it is and how early they caught it, he could still beat it and live a long life. It does explain her rush to get pregnant, though. I imagine if it gets serious enough for chemo, they'll be saving some of his sperm.

Bleeding: From your perspective, cancer does not change anything. I'm sure some morbid part of you wonders how things would be like with him out of the picture, but that way lies madness. Move on. You deserve better.


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## lordmayhem

Sindo said:


> Guys, Bleeding's stbxw is a doctor. If he were faking, I'm sure she'd figure it out.


The question isn't whether he's faking it or not, the question is if his WW is lying about it to garner sympathy from Bleeding. Perhaps Bleeding can explain how he came to find out about this "cancer". Seems a little bit convenient to me with the timing.


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## Sindo

lordmayhem said:


> The question isn't whether he's faking it or not, the question is if his WW is lying about it to garner sympathy from Bleeding. Perhaps Bleeding can explain how he came to find out about this "cancer". Seems a little bit convenient to me with the timing.


I don't get the impression they really give a **** about Bleeding's feelings at this point.


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## lordmayhem

Sindo said:


> I don't get the impression they really give a **** about Bleeding's feelings at this point.


True, but they seem to be making the effort to sell the idea to everyone else like friends and family, that his WW and OM need to be together. But it's all speculation until Bleeding can confirm it.


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## aug

what type of cancer? at what stage? and the prognosis?


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## Almostrecovered

seems like her being a doctor and wanting to care for the sick is what is drawing her to this, first the ptsd and now the cancer

all you had to do was get some life threatening illness and she would be with you instead!


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## aug

The OM has cancer? Could be from the depleted uranium. And he's trying to have a child with your wife. That could be trouble.

What a mess! Be glad you're moving on.


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## working_together

Bleeding said:


> I really appreciate and I'm very grateful for everyone's support and advice. I been keeping myself away from facebook and all the drama that comes along with it. I found out tonight that OM has cancer, I don't know for how long my wife knows about it but may explain the rush to get the divorce done with, despite everything I feel sad for him and after everything he already went through I would never wish him something like this. I wish none of this had happened and I could be here for my "friend".


Well, we now know why the rush to get pregnant.


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## Bleeding

Well I found out about the cancer yesterday when I checked their chat conversations, OM and my wife were discussing chemotherapy, I made a few calls trying to find out more and my BIL ended up telling me OM has leukemia and is starting chemotherapy this week, wife does not want me to know about this according to my BIL she thinks I "will be happy" and be "cruel" to the OM. I don't know this woman but she doesn't know me either!!! She thinks what???? I would call and make fun of him or something???? It's ridiculous!!!! Aug you bring a good point I had honestly not thought about, I'm gonna check your link, I want hope my wife is aware of all this and any possible dangers of a pregnancy.


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## Arnold

Your wife has demonized you to justify this affair. Don't even dignify her remarks about you being likely to be cruel with an answer.


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## Tall Average Guy

Bleeding said:


> Aug you bring a good point I had honestly not thought about, I'm gonna check your link, I want hope my wife is aware of all this and any possible dangers of a pregnancy.


STOP! STOP! STOP!

You are not together any more. She wants out. She does not want you. So stop trying to take care of her. This is not your place. Besides, do really think she will accept this, or will she just assume you are trying to ruin their true love?


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## aug

Yes, let them be.

The other man is dying and has no consideration for the living. He screwed up your life, your son's and stbx wife on his way to his grave. 

And I have a hard time imagining you would ever reconcile now that you know what your stbxw is like and that you'll always be a placeholder.


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## Bleeding

Yea, I'm not gonna say anything, I don't know if she knows I found out or not but she will not hear it from me. I'm not talking to her unless is about our son or selling the house and stuff, we finished cleaning the garage and the basement over the weekend and she tried to engage me in small talk while we were doing it but I didn't fell for it. I'm going dark on her. I still love her and would want to work things out but I"m working to accept the fact she does not and it's over.


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## TRy

Bleeding said:


> I wish none of this had happened and I could be here for my "friend".


You do not have to be happy for his illness, but his sickness does not change the fact that he is not and has never been your friend.


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## Chaparral

TRy said:


> You do not have to be happy for his illness, but his sickness does not change the fact that he is not and has never been your friend.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Couldn't agree more. He's been ploting against you for years. No doubt using things you have told him to use against you. Yopur "friend is the lowest of the low.

A lot of people here talk about karma. I don't know about that, but hopefully, it looks like like his stabbing you and your family in the back is going to give him a dose of reality.


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## Bleeding

I know guys and your right, I need to keep this in mind. STBXW and I are going through everything around the house and choosing who gets what, she is not making an issue about anything and I pretty much getting anything I want, may sound petty but I'm making sure she doesn't get certain things like the pool table that was custom made and cost me a fortune. She will be moving at some point next week and we will start sharing our son's custody. I didn't plead or beg anything, to be honest at this point doesn't really matter if she is here os not. 

The answer machine worked all day, my guess is that they tried to call her cell and she must have been on the operating room all day so they called the home number, basically she is going the extra mile using all her contacts and people in the medical field who own her favors contacting them about OM's case and looking for different treatments and options...BIL also shared with me she is asking close relatives and friends to get tested in order to help find OM a match for a bone marrow transplant. I didn't told her anything about what I know and I won't. So yea guys this is where I stand, I will start IC next week, I think I can use the help.


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## morituri

We'll be here for you. Hang tight.


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## Bleeding

morituri said:


> We'll be here for you. Hang tight.


Thanks man. I'm really grateful for the amazing support and advice I been getting from you and the other posters.


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## Shaggy

This guy and your wife are real pieces of work. He rolls in, with PTSD, now cancer - and feels completely like it's it his RIGHT to trash your life, and your son's world.

He has stolen your son's family out from under him. You're wife, and this boys mother is all too happy to help him and eager to bear his kid before the chemicals trash his system, and he drops dead. 

Then what? She has his bastard child and thinks you're son will love and accept the 1/2 brother he now has that will be an ongoing reminder of his mother abandoning and destroying his family?

Bleeding, I'm hoping this POSOM's cancer hurries up and does it's work fast. A guy like him, who would "call you friend" and trash your life like this - well, the world can use one less like him.

Oh, and who is going to pay for all his care? Your wife? Out of joint family assets?


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## aug

Your wife will bond even stronger with the OM now that he's undergoing another crisis. She's rescuing him and in the process is causing you and your son more grief.


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## Chaparral

aug said:


> Your wife will bond even stronger with the OM now that he's undergoing another crisis. She's rescuing him and in the process is causing you and your son more grief.


The stronger the fantasy the bigger the crash.


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## tacoma

You should take steps to secure your assets Bleeding.

Cancer is an exPensI've disease and VA Or not you don't need your ex destroying your finances over this POS.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

tacoma said:


> You should take steps to secure your assets Bleeding.
> 
> Cancer is an exPensI've disease and VA Or not you don't need your ex destroying your finances over this POS.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I doubt she will let him go to the VA.


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## tacoma

chapparal said:


> I doubt she will let him go to the VA.


Then he really should split assets immediately, like today and secure what he can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bleeding

Thanks guys. We own everything 50/50, the house, some property and a few other assets so whenever we able to sell it will be 50/50. I doubt as well OM will be go to the VA, the calls left on our answer machine yesterday indicate that stbxw is looking forward to take him elsewhere. His PTSD is also being treated outside the VA as far as I know. OM must also have some money, after all for the last 10 years he was pretty much the majority of the time deployed so I imagine he hasn't dealt with much expenses


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## Shaggy

bleeding - his treatment will eat though any money he has very quickly - don't forget he also owes money to the wife he divorced.

you need to protect your assets - your wife will sacrifice anything for this loser. she's already thrown her own son's happiness under the buss. She'll bleed you all dry for him.


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## Bleeding

Shaggy said:


> bleeding - his treatment will eat though any money he has very quickly - don't forget he also owes money to the wife he divorced.
> 
> you need to protect your assets - your wife will sacrifice anything for this loser. she's already thrown her own son's happiness under the buss. She'll bleed you all dry for him.


I'm sure you right. She will have her 50% but I won't give her anything more than that, not even a cent, nothing. She just informed me that tonight a truck will come by to make her move, I don't intent to leave my part of the house or engaged in any talk with her.


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## Chaparral

Sorry this is happening to you B. Hope you have gone to a good doctor and gotten some meds. Other posters have said they were a God send.


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## Bleeding

chapparal said:


> Sorry this is happening to you B. Hope you have gone to a good doctor and gotten some meds. Other posters have said they were a God send.


Thanks man. I have both IC and a doctor's appointment for next week, I think I can use the help, something to sleep will also be very welcome. 

The truck came by to get her stuff, on the way out she knocked on my door to "talk" just to basically tell me "how sorry" she is "for everything" "never meant to hurt me" but "never really loved me" "was never able to forget him" and is "very sorry" to have dragged me "along" "hopes one day I can forgive her" Like many of you said here and you were right I was her second choice from the get go. 

She also informed me that on sunday when she drops our son off (I will have him next week) that she will be out of town for three or four days and will leave me her flight information and hotel info for case of an emergency with our son and will also call him every night. I called BIL to try to find out what this is all about, she got OM an appointment with a specialist across country, OM had his first chemo today and according to my BIL the doctors also found a lump on his left lung but not sure yet what it is. 

I hope we can just sell the house fast so I can start to rebuild my life, also too big of a house to be alone.


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## Shaggy

I'm praying for the OMs quick and painful end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug

Shaggy said:


> I'm praying for the OMs quick and painful end.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You dont have to pray. It's his destiny.


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## Bleeding

Well went to the in laws for Thanksgiving, they kept their invitation despite everything and was a way to spend the day with my son, strange enough no one mention anything about stbxw and OM and we had a very nice time. STBXW worked so at the end of the day when she came to pick our son, OM came along, I ignored them but OM approached me and asked if we could go "outside to talk" the only reason I could go outside with him would be to beat the **** out of him but due to his illness I need to restrain myself, not gonna beat a sick man.

STBXW was enraged I refused to play nice and afterwards texted me in capital letters "you better get used to it cause whether you want or not he will be my husband!!!!! He is part of the family!!!!" "If you want to be angry at someone then be it but be angry at me not him!!!!!" "He was nothing but nice to you all this years!!!!!" I will not answer and will just keep ignoring her.


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## lordmayhem

So now you have a button you can push with her. If I were in your shoes, I'd let him have it with both barrels (figuratively speaking of course). There's no need for you to be a martyr in this situation.

So you're supposed to respect her soon to be husband? Is she for real? What did this OM ever do to deserve any respect from you whatsoever? So he served his country. He dishonors himself and other vets who have been faithful to their marriage partners. What he did is dishonorable beyond belief. How dare your STBXW get angry with you for being mean to her lover.


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## Bleeding

lordmayhem said:


> So now you have a button you can push with her. If I were in your shoes, I'd let him have it with both barrels (figuratively speaking of course). There's no need for you to be a martyr in this situation.
> 
> So you're supposed to respect her soon to be husband? Is she for real? What did this OM ever do to deserve any respect from you whatsoever? So he served his country. He dishonors himself and other vets who have been faithful to their marriage partners. What he did is dishonorable beyond belief. How dare your STBXW get angry with you for being mean to her lover.


I will keep going dark on both of them, I realized that the fact I ignore her and him by the matter does enrage her what is really good, I don't give a damm about anything any of them may want to tell me, it just doesn't matter. 

I think in denial land where she now lives if I play nice and "approve" of their behavior then nothing wrong is really going on and we can all just be "friends" it's ridiculous. She basically acts like all this is normal or like we been divorced a long time and now I'm just not "approving" her choice for new husband. I respect his military service and I'm thankful for it but as a human being I have no respect whatsoever for him. That is very true, I know many vets who never cheated on their partners or back stabbed their friends, who have served our country while still devoted to their partners no matter how far away they were deployed.


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## lordmayhem

You got that exactly right. She wants your approval of her adulterous relationship. You let her know that she will never, ever get that from you. Her and her love deserve nothing but contempt. In her mind, she actually wants you to be happy for her. Hard to believe, but its true. It just goes to show just how out of their mind they are when they're cheating.


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## Initfortheduration

I can guarantee your STBXW is worried about his mental health, and whether you believe it not, I think the OM is guilt ridden. Not enough guilt to stop him from being a piece of sh!t, but enough for him to try and get you to absolve what hes done. And I also believe he has the weight of the reapers hand on his shoulder. And the reaper is whispering in his ear. "You sowed to the wind now reap the whirlwind. Don't be deceived God is not mocked what a man sows, that he shall also reap......soon......soon....but not to soon." And your wife's judgement will be to watch him die. Slowly and painfully. And it would be cold justice if she had to put him down because of the pain. She's a doctor, she has seen people die like this many times I am sure. She knows how he'll suffer. She stole your life or at least the life you thought you had. Married you while loving another man. Having a child only to put him through the pain of watching his mother destroy his family. She has been doing some sowing herself. And she'll have the rest of her life to reap what she's done.

When this is over. She will come to you. She may not have loved you. But I'll wager you were her closest friend. That's when you'll need your strength.


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## Almostrecovered

Bleeding said:


> "He was nothing but nice to you all this years!!!!!"



wow, didn't realize having an affair with your wife is being nice


she is delusional


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## Shaggy

Wow, your WW has moved into POSWW territory.

Hey maybe you should offer to pay for his medical treatment and give him a transplant too - after all he's been such a great friend!


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## warlock07

> "you better get used to it cause whether you want or not he will be my husband!!!!! He is part of the family!!!!" "if you want to be angry at someone then be it but be angry at me not him!!!!!"


hahahahahahahahahahahaahahahaha!!!!

Is she for real? Laugh on her face the next time she says such [email protected]


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## Shaggy

I do think you should push her buttons about him as much as possible - she clearly can be reached that way. Maybe enough that she'll suddenly realize what she's pulling.

Maybe you could have shot back "Why bother marrying him? It hasn't slowed you down on bit try to have his bastard child while still married to me."


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## Sindo

You're doing well, Bleeding. I wouldn't say you should go out of your way to push her buttons. That gets you more involved when you really need to detach. But you don't owe them any favors.


----------



## morituri

Bleeding said:


> I will keep going dark on both of them, I realized that the fact I ignore her and him by the matter does enrage her what is really good, I don't give a damn about anything any of them may want to tell me, it just doesn't matter.


If going dark is helping in your emotional healing, then more power to you. Keep in mind though that because of your child, you still have to communicate with stbxw and thus it behooves you to practice some interaction drills to keep yourself from being goaded by her into an argument that only feeds her ego that she is doing the right thing. The only words that should come out of your mouth should be related to your child. Any divorce matters, you should refer her to your attorney.

Your stbxw and the OM can just burn in He** for all that matters.


----------



## vickyyy

Your wife and OM both r full of sh1t.
U deserve a better woman.


----------



## Bleeding

Well I think I know why STBXW seems to be looking for my approval and maybe why OM wanted to talk to me last night. BIL called me to ask if I have checked my facebook (I have kept myself far away from it) apparently STBXW and OM posted that they are pregnant and are spreading their happiness all over facebook, this means they must have had sex before I found out, I mean after the chats and evidence I found last week I was positively sure they only had sex last week and I'm sure OM moved back also just last week, so my question is, is it possible if they only had sex last week she could already know she is pregnant?????? BIL will try to find out more from SIL (wife's sister) not that really matters but this may mean just more lies, when I confronted her she denied any sexual relationship at that point.


----------



## Locard

Disgusting


----------



## aug

Bleeding said:


> Well I think I know why STBXW seems to be looking for my approval and maybe why OM wanted to talk to me last night. BIL called me to ask if I have checked my facebook (I have kept myself far away from it) apparently STBXW and OM posted that they are pregnant and are spreading their happiness all over facebook, this means they must have had sex before I found out, I mean after the chats and evidence I found last week I was positively sure they only had sex last week and I'm sure OM moved back also just last week, so my question is, is it possible if they only had sex last week she could already know she is pregnant?????? BIL will try to find out more from SIL (wife's sister) not that really matters but this may mean just more lies, when I confronted her she denied any sexual relationship at that point.


Well, that explains the no sex with you for a year. And also explains the cover your wife put up that they are trying to get pregnant last week. And the urgency of her moving out.

Interesting legal position you're in now with the soon-to-be baby and your 3 year old son.

Is the divorce paper filed?

She has the urgency to divorce. Use that against her to gain more custody of your son instead of 50/50. If she doesnt give up, say 75/25, then drag out the divorce as long as possible. The added stress of custody dispute, cancer and the baby cant be born under the OM should allow you an advantage over any negotiations for your son.

I hope others here have more ideas on taking favorable advantage of your factors here.


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## Bleeding

Yes, the divorced papers were already filed.


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## aug

Bleeding said:


> I'm sure OM moved back also just last week, so my question is, is it possible if they only had sex last week she could already know she is pregnant??????


It's possible but unlikely. Last week she would have been under enormous stress due to exposure of affair and initiation of divorce and moving out. It'll be hard to get pregnant when the body is under stress, I would think.


----------



## Bleeding

aug said:


> It's possible but unlikely. Last week she would have been under enormous stress due to exposure of affair and initiation of divorce and moving out. It'll be hard to get pregnant when the body is under stress, I would think.


Thats what I was thinking, with our son once we decided we would have a child she got pregnant pretty quick but still I not sure.


----------



## aug

If I was mischievous, I would throw in the fight for custody of the baby as part of the divorce. That would make the divorce more interesting and could get you what you really want -- significant custody of your son.

You can always back out of financial responsibility of the baby by using the DNA test to show you are not the father when the baby is born.

In addition, the OM would not know or believe that you did not have sex with your wife when she conceived. Let him guess, let the seed of doubt of your wife be planted.


----------



## aug

Fight hard for the baby so that the OM would think your wife was "unfaithful" to him. But dont explicitly say you are the father of the baby -- only the DNA test can confirm.


----------



## aug

Let the other man think that your wife is there only out of pity.


----------



## Bleeding

aug said:


> If I was mischievous, I would throw in the fight for custody of the baby as part of the divorce. That would make the divorce more interesting and could get you what you really want -- significant custody of your son.
> 
> You can always back out of financial responsibility of the baby by using the DNA test to show you are not the father when the baby is born.
> 
> In addition, the OM would not know or believe that you did not have sex with your wife when she conceived. Let him guess, let the seed of doubt of your wife be planted.



I know what your saying and believe me deep down I would like them to suffer as much as I am but I really don't want to spend any more money because of this *****, also as less contact I have with this two POS the better. I'm really done with her, no way in hell I would want this ***** back.


----------



## Sindo

Ugh. Yes, it is technically possible for them to find out their pregnant in a week. And even if they had sex earlier, they have no reason not to stick to that story.

This divorce cannot come quickly enough.


----------



## Bleeding

aug said:


> Fight hard for the baby so that the OM would think your wife was "unfaithful" to him. But dont explicitly say you are the father of the baby -- only the DNA test can confirm.


He knows we haven't had sex in almost a year, wife told him even before the EA start.


----------



## Bleeding

Sindo said:


> Ugh. Yes, it is technically possible for them to find out their pregnant in a week. And even if they had sex earlier, they have no reason not to stick to that story.
> 
> This divorce cannot come quickly enough.


I feel disgusted to think I still married to this woman, can't wait to just sign the papers and make her stop carrying my name.


----------



## aug

If your wife can lie to you, she can lie to the OM. He'll never really know for sure.

I was thinking of using this tactic to get greater custody of your son.


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## Bleeding

aug said:


> If your wife can lie to you, she can lie to the OM. He'll never really know for sure.
> 
> I was thinking of using this tactic to get greater custody of your son.


I know but I don't see anyway she would buy it, she is very smart plus OM believes everything she says and she believes everything he says as well, also now a days is possible get a DNA test even before the baby is born.


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## Shaggy

Fortunately stress makes it hard to conceive, and even harder to carry a baby to term.

Hopefully she will miscarry any bastard child the POSOM manages to put in her.

These two make the me disgusted to be in the same race as them. Wow. Pure vile crap. Can she possibly catch his cancer from him? I know it's not possible, but it would be nice.


----------



## Shaggy

Since you are still married to her, you could claim that you intend to claim custody of any off spring and to take if from her.

regardless of the DNA.


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## Bleeding

Shaggy said:


> Fortunately stress makes it hard to conceive, and even harder to carry a baby to term.
> 
> Hopefully she will miscarry any bastard child the POSOM manages to put in her.
> 
> These two make the me disgusted to be in the same race as them. Wow. Pure vile crap. Can she possibly catch his cancer from him? I know it's not possible, but it would be nice.



I'm disgusted I been married to this woman, if any good comes out of this is the fact that there's no ****ing chance I would ever in any circumstances take her back, never ever!!!!


----------



## Bleeding

Shaggy said:


> Since you are still married to her, you could claim that you intend to claim custody of any off spring and to take if from her.
> 
> regardless of the DNA.


Maybe would be possible but at this point the less contact I have with her the better, I just wish I could forget I even met her, plus would cost me a lot financial, I rather use the money to provide a good life to my son, it would also cause me an amount of stress that at this point I can't deal with, I just want get the divorce papers sign as fast as possible, sell the house and everything else and start building a new life for myself, the good thing is that after this she is dead in my heart, dead.


----------



## Shaggy

The problem is that one day after POSOM is nice and dead (hopefully soon and painfully), and she's raising his bastard orphan child - she is gonna come sniffing back at you trying to get you to take her back in. She is so deluded she will think you will want her back.


----------



## Shaggy

I think just after Sham's evil ex, your wife holds the spot as the most awful wife on TAM.


----------



## Bleeding

Shaggy said:


> The problem is that one day after POSOM is nice and dead (hopefully soon and painfully), and she's raising his bastard orphan child - she is gonna come sniffing back at you trying to get you to take her back in. She is so deluded she will think you will want her back.



You probably right and as crazy as it is until last week I would probably give her another chance, under certain conditions but would probably give her a second chance, not after this. If it happens she is in for a surprise. After this there's no way I will ever but ever give her another chance, I'm done with this woman, there's so much one can take, for reasons I don't understand I still love her but I deserve someone who will never put me through this again and someone who will respect our marriage and our vows, she was never this person.


----------



## aug

Right now your emotions are raw and strong.

To get the best deal out of your divorce, you need to be cold and calculating. It's very hard to change an agreement once it's in place.

Dont let your emotions control the ruthlessness you need to get an extremely favorable agreement. Do it for your son's sake?


----------



## Bleeding

aug said:


> Right now your emotions are raw and strong.
> 
> To get the best deal out of your divorce, you need to be cold and calculating. It's very hard to change an agreement once it's in place.
> 
> Dont let your emotions control the ruthlessness you need to get an extremely favorable agreement. Do it for your son's sake?


I know what your saying but what was filled was the best deal for me at this point, I have half of the custody and have free access to my son anytime I want, I'm able to keep an eye on him and what is going on in his life, go for a custody war will not accomplish anything right now, if nothing else I will be seen as trying to seek revenge by the courts with no other evidence other than she is a ***** what sadly is not enough and I may harm a future case for custody when I will indeed have evidence, plus my son is very attached to my stbxw, I also don't want to put him through any sort of court hearings or anything similar. I may be wrong but like many of you pointed out my stbxw's future doesn't look good, I will save my financial resources to that time plus with the free access I have now I can document anything that may happen to if necessary use as evidence when the time comes, the divorced agreement that was filled is the best I could get right now.


----------



## morituri

Bleeding,

You may not feel up to it but I would suggest that you start doing things that will help lift your spirits. Eat healthy food and drink plenty of water, exercise or engage in sports, change your look and buy brand new clothes, take or restart a hobby, go out with friends (abstain from alcohol though). Also consider going out on dates - coffee shop dates preferably - not with the intention of having any romantic relationships with women - you are no way near ready for that - but as a way of making platonic friendships with women. Many women are in the same position you are and do not want to get themselves involved in romantic relationship with another man, but many of them certainly are open to developing platonic friendships with men such as you. All these things can help you tremendously in your personal recovery and make you look forward to a better future.


----------



## Tall Average Guy

Bleeding said:


> I know what your saying but what was filled was the best deal for me at this point, I have half of the custody and have free access to my son anytime I want, I'm able to keep an eye on him and what is going on in his life, go for a custody war will not accomplish anything right now, if nothing else I will be seen as trying to seek revenge by the courts with no other evidence other than she is a ***** what sadly is not enough and I may harm a future case for custody when I will indeed have evidence, plus my son is very attached to my stbxw, I also don't want to put him through any sort of court hearings or anything similar. I may be wrong but like many of you pointed out my stbxw's future doesn't look good, I will save my financial resources to that time plus with the free access I have now I can document anything that may happen to if necessary use as evidence when the time comes, the divorced agreement that was filled is the best I could get right now.


Based on my understanding of the time line, the best deal that you used when filing has changed considerably with the pregnancy. Under the law, you may be on the hook for costs unless you take affirmative steps to avoid it. This includes pre-natal care and the hospital fees for the delivery, not to mention child support. You need to get this settled immediately, including making sure that these costs are taken from her side of the settlement and that you are not left holding the bag. If she is not willing to do that, than you may need to play hardball. After all, if she expects you to pay for the child's upbringing, then you clearly deserve visitation rights.


----------



## morituri

Bleeding, in many States a child born in the marriage is considered a child of the marriage meaning that the husband becomes by default the child's father whether or not the child is biologically his. You must consult with a divorce attorney on how to protect yourself if your stbxw conceives before the divorce becomes finalized.


----------



## calif_hope

morituri said:


> Bleeding, in many States a child born in the marriage is considered a child of the marriage meaning that the husband becomes by default the child's father whether or not the child is biologically his. You must consult with a divorce attorney on how to protect yourself if your stbxw conceives before the divorce becomes finalized.


It is ALL states the gives the presumption of paternity to the husband, the difference between the states are the allowance for the impossibility of conception between the husband and wife. For example a child born to the wife of a soldier deployed for 10+ months.

Talk to your lawyer ASAP!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## aug

calif_hope said:


> *It is ALL states the gives the presumption of paternity to the husband,* the difference between the states are the allowance for the impossibility of conception between the husband and wife. For example a child born to the wife of a soldier deployed for 10+ months.
> 
> Talk to your lawyer ASAP!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



This fact should be used to your advantage when negotiating for full custody of your 3 year old son.


----------



## Bleeding

I'm doing much better than I thought! Started IC, went to the doctor and got my gym membership back. Also went crazy shopping over the weekend, good to take advantage of the good prices. Some of our assets were already sold and I'm looking forward for everything including the properties we own to be sold much faster than I thought, the house will be much tougher but that's okay, I will use my half of the cash that I will be getting from everything else to get a new home. Despite everything I'm feeling more confident about the future, I guess I'm leaving my own fog...

Yea, I talked with my lawyer about it, he says stbxw no longer lives with me, divorced was filed and by the time the baby will be born divorce will long be done with, if my wife by any bizarre chance would try to get me to pay anything for this child a DNA test would clear me. If we would R then would be a different story as the child would be born into the marriage but that won't happen, I can't see any circumstances where I would take her back, hell no!!!!

OM had lung surgery to remove the lumps on his lung monday morning, I heard he is doing well, I don't wish him ill but feel indifferent to his situation. 

I will keep you update!!!!


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## morituri

Great update B. Keep up the good work.


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## aug

Bleeding said:


> OM had lung surgery to remove the lumps on his lung monday morning, I heard he is doing well, I don't wish him ill but feel indifferent to his situation.


Appreciate the update. Good to see you moving on.

leukemia with metastasis to the lungs is not good:


> A cure is unlikely in most cases. It is rare for someone to live more than 5 years with metastatic cancer to the lungs. However, the outlook depends on the specific type of primary cancer.


----------



## Bleeding

morituri said:


> Great update B. Keep up the good work.


Thanks man! I really appreciate the support I'm getting here!


----------



## lordmayhem

Bleeding said:


> I'm doing much better than I thought! Started IC, went to the doctor and got my gym membership back. Also went crazy shopping over the weekend, good to take advantage of the good prices. Some of our assets were already sold and I'm looking forward for everything including the properties we own to be sold much faster than I thought, the house will be much tougher but that's okay, I will use my half of the cash that I will be getting from everything else to get a new home. Despite everything I'm feeling more confident about the future, I guess I'm leaving my own fog...
> 
> Yea, I talked with my lawyer about it, he says stbxw no longer lives with me, divorced was filed and by the time the baby will be born divorce will long be done with, if my wife by any bizarre chance would try to get me to pay anything for this child a DNA test would clear me. If we would R then would be a different story as the child would be born into the marriage but that won't happen, I can't see any circumstances where I would take her back, hell no!!!!
> 
> OM had lung surgery to remove the lumps on his lung monday morning, I heard he is doing well, I don't wish him ill but feel indifferent to his situation.
> 
> I will keep you update!!!!


Eventually, OM is going to kick the bucket, though you're saying right now that you would never take her back, in a few years, your feelings might be different. Supposing she tries to come back to you as her backup plan, what do you think you would do? Because DDay for you wasn't that long ago, and it seems you've reached your anger stage, but eventually, even that fades.


----------



## Bleeding

aug said:


> Appreciate the update. Good to see you moving on.
> 
> leukemia with metastasis to the lungs is not good:


Thanks! I really grateful for all the support I'm getting here.

BIL told me that although the lab didn't come back yet with the biopsy results they went ahead with the surgery (probably pressure from stbxw) they also very confident that OM will find a match soon and get a transplant, without it doesn't look good.


----------



## Bleeding

lordmayhem said:


> Eventually, OM is going to kick the bucket, though you're saying right now that you would never take her back, in a few years, your feelings might be different. Supposing she tries to come back to you as her backup plan, what do you think you would do?


I hear ya, as I feel right now I know I would not take her back but your right and I might feel different in a few years, I still want to believe I wouldn't.


----------



## morituri

Etch George Santayana's famous quote into your mind *"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it"*. 

Take the time to reflect and look back to the past to search for all the possible red flags that you may have ignored when you were dating, courting and married your stbxw. If you find some, make a mental note of them so that when the time finally comes and you start going out and meeting new women, you can identify them quickly to weed out those like your stbxw and move on to the next woman.


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## Bleeding

morituri said:


> Etch George Santayana's famous quote into your mind *"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it"*.
> 
> Take the time to reflect and look back to the past to search for all the possible red flags that you may have ignored when you were dating, courting and married your stbxw. If you find some, make a mental note of them so that when the time finally comes and you start going out and meeting new women, you can identify them quickly to weed out those like your stbxw and move on to the next woman.


Oh man, I have had so many of the red flag moments it's incredible, I would say it goes as far as our first date, love does blind you and I been blind all this years. I won't go as far as saying their EA was always there but certain they never ever let go of each other or the desire of being together, OM's wife and I were just in the middle for the ride. 

There's so many episodes of what should have been huge red flags including in our wedding day, like I said it goes back to our first date, my wife was the saddest bride I ever saw, shacking, crying, only cheered up after that dam call from Iraq and nope fool that I was I didn't saw any red flags, I thought she was just nervous, anxious, the "friend" made her feel better, there's so many stuff, so many episodes, stories, I could write I book about it. Next time I will be able to spot it from the get go and just call it quits early on, the sad thing is I'm sure as time goes by I will just keep remembering more and more red flags, what a ride!!!!!!


----------



## sadcalifornian

Once a guy goes thru what you went thru, he will never see the relationship the same way ever again. She basically changed your entire perspective for the rest of your life. Before you enter the next relationship, you have to heal yourself fully, otherwise your next woman will end up paying the price for your W's treachery. Just to tip you off on what to watch out for.


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## Initfortheduration

One day my MIL woke up and didn't know who anyone was. She had cancer of the brain which apparently spread to her lungs and liver. Look at this time away from your wife (as she is probably preoccupied) and with your son, as a time of great bonding. Done properly and with love, you can teach your son, the principal of reaping and sowing. It will be a great object lesson for him. Not to fear but to understand. It may help him pity his mother after the trash turns to worm bait.


----------



## Shaggy

Let's hope the son learns to see that his mother is a horrible selfish cruel person who used his father. 

Let's hope that the son learns to hate and avoid women like her in his own life.

Let's hope that when the POSOM dies and rots that the mother doesn't want to be with her son, so that he can be free of her hideous influence in his life.


----------



## morituri

sadcalifornian said:


> Once a guy goes thru what you went thru, he will never see the relationship the same way ever again. She basically changed your entire perspective for the rest of your life. Before you enter the next relationship, you have to heal yourself fully, otherwise your next woman will end up paying the price for your W's treachery. Just to tip you off on what to watch out for.


Good point.

Bleeding, while watching out for red flags with respect to the women you will be dating in the future, it is also important that once you find one you want to share your life with, not to let what happen with your stbxw, to poison your heart and soul. You may want to click on the link below my signature titled 'Forgiveness' and read my thoughts on why I believe that forgiveness is essential in ones emotional well being.


----------



## Bleeding

morituri said:


> Good point.
> 
> Bleeding, while watching out for red flags with respect to the women you will be dating in the future, it is also important that once you find one you want to share your life with, not to let what happen with your stbxw, to poison your heart and soul. You may want to click on the link below my signature titled 'Forgiveness' and read my thoughts on why I believe that forgiveness is essential in ones emotional well being.


You guys are right, my IC said something along the same lines, if I don't work on this issue I might very well end up destroying any future relationships I will have once I will very likely "punish" other women for what my stbxw did to me. Thanks for the link Morituri, I really needing to read about forgiveness today, my heart has been very heavy all night and there's a lot of thoughts going through my mind.

OM called me this evening, told me about his cancer, stbxw's pregnancy, begged my forgiveness and how very sorry he really is, that I still his best friend, took all responsibility for the affair upon himself (funny my wife does the same), begged me to forgive her and to if he doesn't make it for me to take her back and raise his child, to look after stbxw and his child, that if I want I can hate him but not to hate her or the child. I was not expecting any of this so caught me by surprise and I been between feelings of hate, sadness, pain, rage, sorrow, a roller coaster. I told him I don't wish him any ill but that my stbxw will have to face the consequences of her actions and that may very well be raise a child alone. 

I know I have said here I wouldn't take her back but the truth is that I still love her and sometimes for a few seconds I think about it, tonight when she came to pick our son if she had told me she wanted to R I would have said yes, I feel weak and I don't want to, I wish there's a way I can get done with this feelings.


----------



## lordmayhem

So do you really want someone's leftovers? Yes you still love her, but she never really loved you, you know this. You were only a temporary substitute for him, to be thrown away like so much trash. 

Continue your 180 so you can continue to detach. You will reach the point where you will not care. And STOP talking with OM. This does you no good, in fact, it keeps you from making progress. He deserves no pity or assurances from you. You don't have to wish him ill, but you don't have to wish him well either. 

Rest assured, if he does make it, you will be no more than an afterthought to her and him.


----------



## Bugz Bunny

WTF...!!!

Just because he has cancer you should forgive him and act like nothing happened - *NO*...and him asking you to raise his child is so disgusting...

This man is a POS and he never respected you...He destroyed you family and your childs life and humiliated you and he and your wife made a fool of you for many years and yet you consider taking her back if he dies...come on WTF seriously...

Just man up and do the 180...Respect yourself and your son and dont spend money and love on OM child when you have you own child to take care of...

Stop talking with him and talk only with your wife if its about your child...

OMG he humiliates you,destroyed your family,gets your wife pregnant and than asks you to take care of them...I just cant believe it...!!!


----------



## Bleeding

You guys are 100% right. 

I want to erase any thoughts of ever taking her back, it's like I go between feelings of extreme anger where I never want see her face and then seconds where I would take her back.

I told the OM that unless there's an emergency with my son and my stbxw can't call me he should never ever call me again, that I don't have anything to tell him and I'm not his friend.

As far as my stbxw goes I went dark on her and the 180, we have only talked about our son, last night when she came over to pick him there were a few decisions she wanted me to make about his daycare and it was it, I have a gut feeling she doesn't know OM called me, I have no intention of discussing anything that is not about our son with her, even about the sale of the house and assets the lawyer is handling it.


----------



## warlock07

They both were cheating on you from day one playing you for a sucker. He had to console her during the wedding. I can only imagine what it was. Just remember that. You were the totally irrelevant side character in their epic love story. That's what they think of you.


----------



## lordmayhem

Bleeding said:


> You guys are 100% right.
> 
> I want to erase any thoughts of ever taking her back, it's like I go between feelings of extreme anger where I never want see her face and then seconds where I would take her back.


This is the emotional roller coaster that we've been talking about. One moment it's anger and you never want to see her again, the next moment you feel like you can't live without her. It's normal to feel this way, so don't feel too bad about it. If you need to, type out the things she has done, get some ideas from here if you need to, print them out, and in those low moments on the roller coaster, read them until those moments go away. Use your anger constructively, to strengthen your resolve. A good idea is to write out a timeline of the affair, from before your relationship, what happened during courtship and the marriage, and then forward. It helps put things into perspective.

You said your WW was the saddest bride on her wedding day, and you know now that she was thinking of him. Write that into your timeline. It shows your marriage was a lie from the beginning. She was never yours.


----------



## morituri

Bleeding said:


> I told the OM that unless there's an emergency with my son and my stbxw can't call me he should never ever call me again, that I don't have anything to tell him and I'm not his friend.


Great job. The OM is beyond delusional when asking to continue being friends with you and to take your stbxw and his child if he doesn't make it. Just like his cancer, he and your stbxw are cancerous tumors that you need to extract from your heart and soul. You did well in telling him to never contact you again.


----------



## Almostrecovered

he was never your friend


----------



## aug

Bleeding said:


> OM called me this evening, told me about his cancer, stbxw's pregnancy, begged my forgiveness and how very sorry he really is, that I still his best friend, took all responsibility for the affair upon himself (funny my wife does the same), begged me to forgive her and to if he doesn't make it for me *to take her back and raise his child, to look after stbxw and his child*, that if I want I can hate him but not to hate her or the child. I was not expecting any of this so caught me by surprise and I been between feelings of hate, sadness, pain, rage, sorrow, a roller coaster. I told him I don't wish him any ill but that my stbxw will have to face the consequences of her actions and that may very well be raise a child alone.


Wow! That's one of the creepiest and disgusting thing I have read. Nothing like being put in your place as a caretaker and then rubbing it in.

Sigh! Tell him to f* off and die quicker.


----------



## Shaggy

I knew they were going to pull that crap.

these two seem to think they are living some awful romance movie.

they aren't heros, they both are vile villians, and they've gone the next step and brought a kid into the mix. 

Stick to your principles and remember what a hideous person your wife is on the inside. I only wish you could get full custody of your son so he didn't have to be exposed to these two and their twisted selfish views.


----------



## Shaggy

As for him being your friend - well ask him to do you a favor and die quickly, and painfully.


----------



## Unsure in Seattle

Jesus- he was never truly your friend; and under NO circumstances should you TAKE CARE OF HIS CHILD. How horrible.

These are some of the worst people I've ever read or heard about. Shaggy's comment about them thinking that they're in some kind of movie is very, very true. They are NOT star crossed lovers or whatever; and they've both betrayed and hurt you in a way that, to me, would be unforgivable.

Please cut them (I realize you have to deal with her somewhat) at of your life as much as you possibly can.

Disgusting.


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## Shaggy

I think you should really sue for full custody of your son. The fact that POSOM is undergoing cancer treatment, and your WW is pregnant and caring for the POSOM, means that there is no way she is capable of properly caring for your child now, or in the near future.

Talk to a lawyer and file as part of the divorce a petition to get primary custody of him. I know you think you should be playing nice now since she cooperating. But what you see as cooperating, is her walking all over you and you're son is suffering because of it.


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## warlock07

As much POS they are atleast they did not leave him in limbo like many other WS do. Thats even worse IMO.


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## morituri

As far as the issue of seeking full custody is concerned, he's already made his position quite clear on this subject more than once. It's not a matter of him playing nice, he's done his homework with respect to this and he has chosen his plan of action. We have to respect his decision.


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## Eli-Zor

Shaggy said:


> I think you should really sue for full custody of your son. The fact that POSOM is undergoing cancer treatment, and your WW is pregnant and caring for the POSOM, means that there is no way she is capable of properly caring for your child now, or in the near future.
> 
> Talk to a lawyer and file as part of the divorce a petition to get primary custody of him. I know you think you should be playing nice now since she cooperating. But what you see as cooperating, is her walking all over you and you're son is suffering because of it.



Fight now for your son , in her state of mind and with a looming pregnancy and cancer treatment she will under stress , give her no time to think and force the issue resolutely until you win full custody of your son.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri

Eli-Zor said:


> Fight now for your son , in her state of mind and with a looming pregnancy and cancer treatment she will under stress , give her no time to think and force the issue resolutely until you win full custody of your son.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Unless he can prove he is the primary caregiver of his son and that his mother is unfit as a parent, he stands no chance to win primary custody of his son.


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## Eli-Zor

morituri said:


> Unless he can prove he is the primary caregiver of his son and that his mother is unfit as a parent, he stands no chance to win primary custody of his son.


She may sign custody over as she will be distracted elsewhere , I am suggesting he apply as much pressure as he can and take her to the furtherst point he can go. If he does not shake the tree the leaves won't fall down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

morituri said:


> As far as the issue of seeking full custody is concerned, he's already made his position quite clear on this subject more than once. It's not a matter of him playing nice, he's done his homework with respect to this and he has chosen his plan of action. We have to respect his decision.


While I hear what you say, I do think he is in a fog himself and my advice is intended to keep him thinking about his very real options.

He has been hurt, and hurt badly by them, but each step of the way he has in the end played fair and nice. I think deep down he is still in the fog of inaction and the fog of "this can't really be happening"

So while I do respect his decision, it doesn't mean that real valid advice shouldn't be offered up. He can ignore it if he chooses.


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## Shaggy

Eli-Zor said:


> She may sign custody over as she will be distracted elsewhere , I am suggesting he apply as much pressure as he can and take her to the furtherst point he can go. If he does not shake the tree the leaves won't fall down.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## Tall Average Guy

Eli-Zor said:


> She may sign custody over as she will be distracted elsewhere , I am suggesting he apply as much pressure as he can and take her to the furtherst point he can go. If he does not shake the tree the leaves won't fall down.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You also might try to explain to your STBXW as a temporary measure and you just want to take the pressure off the two of them. The longer your child is in your care, the stronger your case becomes, as uprooting your kid from a stable situation will not be considered in the best interests of the child.


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## Arnold

Wow. I must say this is a little far fetched.


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## Sindo

Eli-Zor said:


> She may sign custody over as she will be distracted elsewhere , I am suggesting he apply as much pressure as he can and take her to the furtherst point he can go. If he does not shake the tree the leaves won't fall down.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think that's going to happen. Some WW on this board do abandon claim to their kids in pursuit of OM, but I don't think Bleeding's STBXW is such a person. 

Another good point that Bleeding has repeatedly brought up is that it's not worth the energy or resources. Especially when he needs this time to heal. An emotionally damaged father with full custody is not preferable to a mentally healthy father with shared.

Bleeding has clearly given this plenty of thought, and received legal advice. He has also listened to the same arguments on this thread repeatedly, and has not changed his mind. It's easy to argue for long-shot schemes when you don't have skin in the game, but Bleeding has to face reality. This is the best he can do.


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## morituri

Sindo said:


> I don't think that's going to happen. Some WW on this board do abandon claim to their kids in pursuit of OM, but I don't think Bleeding's STBXW is such a person.
> 
> Another good point that Bleeding has repeatedly brought up is that it's not worth the energy or resources. Especially when he needs this time to heal. An emotionally damaged father with full custody is not preferable to a mentally healthy father with shared.
> 
> Bleeding has clearly given this plenty of thought, and received legal advice. He has also listened to the same arguments on this thread repeatedly, and has not changed his mind. It's easy to argue for long-shot schemes when you don't have skin in the game, but Bleeding has to face reality. This is the best he can do.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I can't speak for the rest of you but I for one am willing to let 'sleeping dogs lie' as far as the issue of custody is concerned unless of course Bleeding comes back with a new development regarding an incident of neglect or endangerment of his son at the hands of his stbxw. If and when that happens, I'll join the chorus of people shouting to the four winds to seek full custody of his son. But until then, this will be my last comment on this subject.


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## Unsure in Seattle

What sucks is that (potentially) the pre-existing child's needs could well be ignored for the lovechild. He's probably got to let the issue lie, of course.

*Warning- sexist generalization ahead* Betrayed husbands seemingly often get the short end of the stick, legally. It's very, very unfair. He didn't ask for the marriage to go down at the hands of some half-assed high school fantasy.


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## Shaggy

Unsure in Seattle said:


> What sucks is that (potentially) the pre-existing child's needs could well be ignored for the lovechild. y.


This, and being around a guy wasting away from cancer, the mother doing everything for the POSOM etc. the poor kid shoud be exposed to this. Also who s caring for him, helping play and be loved while the wife is running around caring for the POSOM and making appointments for him. There is no way she has anytime for the kid,so he's getting shuttled around with babysitters and grand parents.

What kind of message is that telling the kid? Thst everything in her life is about the POSOM and his new baby and not him. He's just an old toy she no longer wants, but won't give up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bleeding

Thought I would give everyone an update. Things are going well, we sold all our stock and two of our properties, we will close a deal as a third property is concern in the next few weeks and then well only the house is left, not really any good offers have been made but it's something I already was counting on, either way is good to have most of it sold and cash in the bank! I'm going to the gym four times a week and keeping up with IC, I have good days, bad days, numb days but I'm surviving!

As far as stbxw goes we are getting along just fine, no drama, we just talk with regards to our son and decisions related to him and we are getting along well, when he is with me she is always in contact with him and when he is with her I'm always in contact with him. The POSOM is still breathing but I have had no contact with him and will keep it this way. Wife is also not pregnant long enough that you can see anything but she has that pregnancy glow all over her, it makes her even more beautiful and attractive than she already is and maybe I'm just a pervert but I do still feel attracted to this woman!!!

Well just wanted to give you guys an update, wishing you all a good year and that we are all able to overcome our struggles!!!!


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## Shaggy

I was hoping you'd be reporting POSOM's demise.

Sorry if that seems harsh, but the world will be a better place without scum like him in it.

As for him knocking her up, frankly it's disgusting that they did that. The kid will be born with a dead in the grave father and selfish cheat for a mother. They should both be charged with a crime for getting her pregnant with his bastard kid.


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## Bleeding

Shaggy said:


> I was hoping you'd be reporting POSOM's demise.
> 
> Sorry if that seems harsh, but the world will be a better place without scum like him in it.
> 
> As for him knocking her up, frankly it's disgusting that they did that. The kid will be born with a dead in the grave father and selfish cheat for a mother. They should both be charged with a crime for getting her pregnant with his bastard kid.



I hear you man but yea POSOM is still holding on, I heard from BIL that he is still doing chemo and they hope he will get a transplant soon! I'm sure stbxw is using all her contacts and influence to do whatever they can do save him and finding him a match, she did the same for my mom when she had cancer so I'm even more certain she must be doing it for POSOM.


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## warlock07

She left you high and dry while she already has a second family and pregnant. 

Move on... Don't stay bitter though you have every reason to be.


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## aug

Good to see that you're surviving and moving on even though it's painful.

Take good care of your son. He's going to need all your love and example when he finds out what type of mother he has.


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## warlock07

Maybe you can ask her not to rub it in your face(talking and texting to the OM) when you are around.


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## Complexity

This thread has made so incredibly depressed, there were times I just couldn't continue. Bleeding, I'm so so sorry man, I can only begin to imagine the pain you're going through. It just wasn't meant to be brother. I don't know how you'll recover from this but I sincerely pray that you do. 

People who treat others like this never end up well later in life. Their callousness and complete disregard for you feelings especially on behalf of your wife's part just breaks my heart. The mere fact you kept your sanity throughout all of this is remarkable. I hate the fact she willingly went along the marriage knowing she didn't really love you, how utterly cruel to play with someone's heart like this. But don't worry though, there's a silver lining behind every cloud and a completely devoted woman is just right around the corner. 

You have to learn lessons from this though, women being friends with a long term ex partners and her crying on the wedding day is a MASSIVE red flag.

Please keep us updated.


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## Bleeding

Thank you guys, I appreciate your support, I'm happy I found TAM and all of you, it has definitely helped me to keep myself sane.

I'm just working on myself and being here for my son, I know down the road I will be okay, one day at a time but I'm surviving and I will be okay.

Not really much talking/texting with him in front of me, we never together long enough for POSOM call or text her, I was by their house the other day (was near by and decided see my son) my son wanted to show me his room, POSOM and I just ignored each other, no talk, no looks, nothing, we acted like if the other doesn't exist and it's how it will always be.


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## calif_hope

I don't get why she has custody and is allowed to live with the new guy with your son. Is your son getting therapy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bleeding

calif_hope said:


> I don't get why she has custody and is allowed to live with the new guy with your son. Is your son getting therapy?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Custody is 50/50, my son is one week with me, one week with her. Yes, he is getting therapy.


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## vickyyy

detach yourself from her as much as u can.

You deserve a lot better woman than her.and there r plenty 

happy new year


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## Sindo

Happy New Year! Heal, rebuild and make the most of 2012. Life will get better.

Hope to hear from you in future.


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## Bleeding

Thought I would update. Got a call this morning from BIL, OM will be submitted tomorrow morning to a transplant, I not sure how I feel about this, if I feel anything at all... there's just this blank on my mind right now, numb.


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## Chaparral

With all his problems she must have pulled some strings. Hope someone else doesn't loose out because they wasted an organ on him.


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## calif_hope

Listed on the transplant list or getting a transplant organ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bleeding

Getting a bone marrow transplant.


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## calif_hope

Bleeding......your child should not be around all the drama happening at their house, he is going to be increasingly neglected.....pregnancy and now the transplant........go for full custody, she can visit him (child) at McDonalds.....he should not be in that home.

On the otherhand, one reason veteran elementary school teachers don't get sick very often is that their immunity is built up from all the germs and such their darling students bring into the classroom, when you get a bone marrow transplant they zap your immune system........remind your wife of this or NOT.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bleeding

My stbxw takes very good care of him, she is a ****ing ***** but she does take good care of him, he and her have a very strong bond, he is very connected to her, there's no way she would ever agree with anything than what we have 50/50 and I'm not gonna put my son through a court battle.

Yea, I hear you, one can only hope...


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## Complexity

Bleeding said:


> Thought I would update. Got a call this morning from BIL, OM will be submitted tomorrow morning to a transplant, I not sure how I feel about this, if I feel anything at all... there's just this blank on my mind right now, numb.


Screw him. You were numb to him when he decided to wreck your family and not respect boundaries.


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## Shaggy

Is your son going to therapy? Because this is going to serious scar him for life - seeing his mother turn on his father and trash you like this.

Yours is frankly one of the worst stories here on TAM. I feel heartbroken for your son and what he is being exposed to by her.


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## warlock07

Yeah, this thread depresses me. I can only wonder what bleeding is going through.


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## Bleeding

Yes, my son is going to therapy. When she moved out that same week she got him into therapy.

I'm going through hell but holding on...


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