# I Really Need Help From The Board - Please



## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Ok, some of you know some of my story, but a new chapter started today and it is a full fledged soul killer of a chapter, so here goes.

I received an email from my W on Monday stating that she was sorry that she hadn't kept in touch because she was busy (she gave details, but are of no importance). She wanted to come and organize things and pack up more of her stuff this weekend. She said if it was a bad weekend that she understands and could come after the 4th to do all of that. I didn't respond for reasons further along in this post.

We promised that if either of us went to talk with a lawyer that we would notify the other one first. Coincidentally, she has actually contacted lawyers and did not tell me first (never retained one, I know that for sure because she has no money to retain one). She told me after the fact in a heated moment on her part.

I am at the point where I am ready to get the ball rolling. She is not working on coming back, she is just gone. So, I went to talk with a lawyer this morning. One who was recommended to me by another person who has been through a divorce. The long and short of this is that he told me that I should, under no circumstances, allow her back in the house. I should change the locks and the code on the garage door. She still has a key and the opener. I specifically asked him if there were any legal ramifications to doing this and he said no, absolutely not. 

I would be happy to change over all of that and start the process, but at the same time I don't want this to get ugly because I fired the first shot so to speak. Even though she did it by leaving, but that is not how she will see it. I still have not told her about the lawyer, but we had an exchange over text messaging where she basically told me that she was telling me that she was coming up to get her stuff and notifying me was only a courtesy. What do I do? Change the lock and start the whole "War of the Roses" thing or just let her get her stuff. 

My lawyer says that I have to protect myself, but it is not like we are wealthy or that I have a lot of easily negotiable properties to sell. She wouldn't even be able to take the tvs because one is too heavy and the others are mounted to the walls. I just don't know what to do to keep this civil. 

Help me please.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

I wish I could give you solid, foolproof advice. The fact of the matter is, just like marriage, it takes 2 to keep it civil and only one to make it miserable for everyone involved. My seperation began over-civil: I just basically agreed to everything he wanted. But what I have learned is that when you seperate, even the moment they cheat on you or leave you, your spouse is no longer looking out for the marriage or you, and is no longer a "safe" person. That means you cannot believe what they say, and it is up to you to look out for your own interests. I haven't read your backstory, but if she left you, well, there it is. 
Don't feel that you have to answer to her about seeing lawyers and changing locks. Of course, she isn't going to like it, but she did bring it on herself. You can be civil, even cordial if you like. If you have children, especially, I would recommend you take the high road at every opportunity. But don't confuse that with allowing her to step on you or your rights. Being nice doesn't mean you can't have boundaries. There is a book called Boundaries, I think it is by Cloud or McCloud--they recommend it highly in the Divorce Care class I'm in. Take your time to make decisions. Don't feel like you have to let her rush you. Ask advice from divorced friends and your lawyer. You can't control her. But you don't have to let her control you either. Take a deep breath, and have it your way. It's frikkin Burger King. 

Sending up good thoughts for you. You can do it.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Oh, one more thing. Just because you don't have a lot of $ or expensive things, doesn't mean you want to give her free reign of taking stuff out of the house. She might take something that means something to you sentimentally that she could use as leverage later (I don't know her, but people do that, and people do things you would never have guessed they would do...)

My H came to me when we were moving our stuff out, asking if I had seen his late brother's jacket. Now, there is no way on God's green Earth I would have "donated" or otherwise hidden his brother's jacket from him. Never crossed my mind. I told him exactly where it was (which is where it had been for 10 years,) and he got it. But it occurred to me that if he thought that I might have done that to him, that gives me an idea of where his head is at. Not the person I married, for sure. Perhaps that's what your lawyer meant by protecting yourself.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Dante, I agree with uhaul, just protect yourself. Maybe ask specifically what items she wants, tell you she can enter with a pre-approved list of things she wants and you say which day it will be. Meanhwhile having the locks changed is a good idea too. I'm at the same stage - my wife already came and got a bunch of stuff but I'm taking my son on vacation for a week and a half and I don't want her to come through this place and clean me out - she "said" she doesn't want anything else, but shes also said lots and lots of other things that turned out to be not true.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Most people I have heard ask for a specific date and time and then arrange for a police officer to be present when the estranged spouse is coming to collect their belongings. It is part of the services they offer here. But of course you have to ask them in advance. You could also pack stuff up for her and put it outside for pick-up. If you do get a police officer it is fair to let her know one will be present, to protect the both of you and to make sure everything is legit that is taken and said.


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

I don't know why you'd lock her out unless you're afraid she'll take everything. In a divorce you're entitled to your personal property and about half of joint property...she's going to get it anyway, so why not just give it to her?

Note: I might be slightly biased; I left my husband with a suitcase and no doubt will not see any of even my personal property until the divorce is final, which could well be 18-24 months. No baby furniture, no extra clothes, he even has my wedding set. So I'm pretty effing bitter at the moment, having been living out of a suitcase since March.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

AF, in my case, my W is the one who wanted to leave to pursue her freedom, she has her own place now, she went through the house and took whatever she needed to get by, when I asked if there was anything else she said no she got everything she wanted to take, except for a couple big pieces of furniture she wanted. There was still tons of her crap left... a day later she asked to borrow the van (she took the car) to move the bigger stuff, except she then proceeded to gather even more of the furniture, we fought a little, I let her take it but I said no more, she wasn't taking anything else because she already agreed she had all she needed... I am left with all the crap she got her pick, and it doesn't matter because when the separation agreement is done the assets will be equally divided I just don't want her in MY house (she has her own now).


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

That sucks, Lon. I think I am just too fair, lol. Because even when I want to rip his head off, I am still fair to my stbxh--meanwhile he's cleaning out the joint account, trying to screw me out of my insurance, refusing to send any of my personal belongings, etc.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Anonymous_Female said:


> That sucks, Lon. I think I am just too fair, lol. Because even when I want to rip his head off, I am still fair to my stbxh--meanwhile he's cleaning out the joint account, trying to screw me out of my insurance, refusing to send any of my personal belongings, etc.


Yeah separation is a messy process, one party always seems to want to gave AND take, the dominant one always just wants to take (or in my case just take the good stuff and leave her junk for me to deal with). But in my case I am fine with it, will feel good to have a way to literally purge her from my life...

Even if you think you are being civil it is a very fragile situation, with emotions running deep. I think the main point of my reply to Dante is that they have separate houses now, she can't just come and go and she can't just take what she wants, but it is hard work whether or not you put it all on paper first or just divide the stuff on the fly.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

If Dante is the one who wants to give and take, and she is the "dominate" one who just wants to take, at least if he changes locks, he restores some of his power over the situation. This doesn't mean he has to abuse the power, like AF's stbx is doing. He is just preserving the peace, as long as he doesn't let it go to his head. He can still sit with her and draw up a list of what they AGREE she should get and he should get. He can still let her come and get that stuff they agreed to. But if she left him, she made a choice he didn't want without consideration of his feelings on the matter. She took his power away by force in that situation. It is only fair that he should keep what power he has left in THIS situation, and not let her completely treat him like a doormat. I read between his lines that he is trying to be honorable and fair. I don't know that I'd trust her to do the same.

AF, I'm sorry your ex is being such a difficult jerkface. I have one of those to deal with myself. Wish you luck in getting your stuff back, and dealing with him.


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

uhaul4mybaggage said:


> He is just preserving the peace, as long as he doesn't let it go to his head.


That's a good point, and a good perspective.

Thanks, and good luck to you too. Good luck to us all.


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

I have to add to this thread: when I am unsure or second-guessing myself, I always default to my lawyer. This is my first divorce, but she has been at this for 25 years, and no doubt she has seen it all. I made a mistake and went against her advice once, and I paid for it--never again. So Dante, if that's the advice you were given, then there must be a reason for it; seems to boil down to a benefit vs. risk situation. And in this case, I agree with the consensus--better safe than sorry.


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## Thorn407 (Jun 22, 2011)

Change the locks and garage door code. Put sticks and window locks on all the doors and windows. get a list from her of the things she wants. If you thing it will get ugly you can have LE do a Stand by. 

This way she can't ssay you did something that could get you thrown in jail.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

I had to move my stuff out of a fiance's apt once. He had thrown me out after I broke off the engagement. I am glad I brought a deputy with me. He tried to threaten me with a hunting knife my dad had given him, till he realized there was someone else there. People you think are sane, don't stay that way.


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## Thorn407 (Jun 22, 2011)

uhaul4mybaggage said:


> I had to move my stuff out of a fiance's apt once. He had thrown me out after I broke off the engagement. I am glad I brought a deputy with me. He tried to threaten me with a hunting knife my dad had given him, till he realized there was someone else there. People you think are sane, don't stay that way.


And his ace went to jail didnt he?

Trust no one.......


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

No, deputy didn't see it, and I just got my stuff and got the hell outa Dodge.


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Thanks everyone. Despite the common advice I am getting from everyone here and from my friends and family, I have decided not to change the locks. I talked with her for over two hours last night and I think we can do this amicably. If I am wrong you all have my permission to say I told you so.

I still just don't understand why my marriage had to end. I guess I will have to be okay with never knowing what is really going on and why she would not work on it with me. I know I was not ready to work on our marriage when we were together, but I don't see why we couldn't work on it now. It is killing me in many ways. I just can't get past certain things. 

I had to go to the store a few days ago and while I was in line I noticed that the woman ahead of me kept looking at me while she was being rung up. I think (and so do my female friends) that she was checking me out. It felt good, but a few hours later I felt horrible, like I had cheated on my wife. I just don't know how long it will take to get over this, but thirteen years is a long time to get over. I just want to feel normal again. This too shall pass, right?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I'm there with you buddy, feeling exactly the same way. I'm finding changes in me but realizing it definitely is going to take a long time to really heal from this - when they say years I get ticked off because I'm beginning to think its true... but like many bad things I hope its the kind where it sounds worse at first but then gets easier as you get closer to the end, like a mortgage. I want to just make everything instantly better... I know my wife was so unhappy but it feels like we really didn't try, we gave a little attempt and when it didn't work instead of regrouping and trying something else she just chalked it up to compatibility, like we're not a good fit. And now I don't really know if that is what she genuinely believed or if it was induced by the fog of her affair, and how or if it should really matter in the end.

I too have been craving attention from women, and my guilt is making me unsure if it should be from my W or someone else, but I still feel that I'd screw it up anyhow, so I guess I can say I'm not ready yet.


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