# possible Porn addiction; newlyweds in jeapordy



## AnonymousRN

I have been with my husband for 9 years but only married for a couple of monthes. We have been through a lot together, many wonderful memories; also many sad ones. 

to cut to the chase:My husband had a very serious drug problem for many years. It was a difficult process.. his sobriety was a struggle as was my co-dependency. He was a member of AA, clean and sober for about 5 years.. give or take a slip. On his bachelor party he drank and then told me about it. "4 beers" he said. It was stressor, one I honestly was not able to deal with as I work 50 hours a week rotating shift and i was planning our wedding.. He seemed ok. On our wedding he was served a beer and he smiled at me and said "it's my wedding, just this once?" I smiled back and thought "I can't argue with him on our wedding day." Since the wedding he has been drinking socially, maybe 2-4 beers every couple weeks. His intake is a normal rate, but its been a stressor for me all the same as I have known him to be an addict. I am not sure what to do with his ability to drink "normally" and not turn to drugs or overdo it. I am taking it day by day. SO that's the background.

The other is Porn has quietly played in the background. I am very open sexually. I had a very painful, violent sexual history and it took a lot of healing to come to a place where i felt comfortable being a sexual person. My husband helped me get to that point. He has always had more porn than I am comfortable. I have no way to gauge what anormal selection of porn looks like but i have always strongly suspected my husband's collection surpasses that amount. I have looked th eother way.. I try not to think on it too much and I figure, no harm no folly. Although I think the women in porn tend to be more attractive than myself, I see nothing wrong with a little porn. I am a bisexual woman who is manogomous with my husband. Sometimes, I myself enjoy porn on rare occasion. 

But now I feel its getting to be a problem, and I don't know how to talk to him about it. I have hinted befpre but he has ignored me. His collection size has always made me uncomfortable, but now its more. He has a harddrive brimming with porn.. easily over 1000 files of it. That is what I have turned a blind eye on.

But a few monthes ago i came across an account. My husband enjoys amateur porn, which i particularly find uncomfortable. it's easier when its paid actors and not the neighbors so to speak. its a website wher eyou can watch live webcams.. but no paid actors. just exhibitionists who enjoy filming as they do it. also it is a website for ppl to hook up. he claimed to be looking for a woman to hook up with me.. to which i told him I have no interest what so ever and to please erase the account. later i came across it again, he had not erased the account.. he admitted he likes to watch the cams of ppl having sex. this site costs around $20 a month.. he has spent almost $200 on this crap. 

I then told him he needs to erase it now. That i am upset by it and offended and that porn is one thing but live ppl is cheating. He said he would erase it. recently i asked him if he had, he said he forgot to butthat he would do it. 

I worked an overnight shift.. i just came home and found it on the laptop as a recent page.. not only did he not erase it but i broke into his account..he renewed it for 3 monthes!! Also there is "the red page" someone mentioned that i have noticed suddenly appearing on our recent pages.. i had thought it was a pop up but now i am not so sure. This one is charging over .50 a minute according to the advertisement on it's homepage. thats a small fortune!! I do not know if he has an account on that and as he is still dragging his feet on combining our accounts i have not seen his funds to see if there is a lot of $$ being spent on this.

So.. he is lying to me, and spending money on porn.. both of which are an issue to me. I feel like these live cams is a form of cheating and it hurts my feelings. I have turned ablind eye ot the porn for years, trying not to think on how pretty those women are and how i don't measure up. I don't know if it affects our sex life. But I am upset.

I don't know how to talk to him about this because of the lying. I am frustrated.

also I have this tiny thought that I am over-reacting..am I?


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## tacoma

As a guy I prefer amateur porn myself.
The mainstream stuff is too fake, however I`m not live viewing web cams nor do I have a "collection".

I think you have a valid complaint and he should do what he needs to do to fix your concerns.


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## Jamison

My advice to you is, put your foot down now. Lay out some boundaries and consequences now. 

Not only does he have a drinking problem but sounds like a porn problem as well. Not actually all that uncommon for people with addictive personalities. People with those types of personalities usually have to have some kind of help in setting boundaries, noticing what their triggers are, and making sure they steer clear of anything that will throw them back into a bad habit. 

Talk with him tonight. In a firm but caring manner. Tell him what is acceptable and not acceptable, not only in your home but within your marriage. Give him some boundaries, if he crosses them, then you will need to inforce the consequence for his actions. One thing I notice with people who continually walk all over or continue to do things that hurt their partner is, they are not held accountable for their actions. If they are not held accountable, chances are they will not stop the behavior anyway. 

If neither of you are in MC I would suggest you both try that. Might be helpful for you to see some IC as well. Make sure whatever consequences you set, that you follow through with them. if not, he will then know you are not serious, and will continue on. Also he may benefit from a addiction specialist.


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## square1

My husband also has a porn addiction. He preferred the amateur stuff as well. I never had a problem with porrn until it took over our sex life and intimacy. We were maybe having sex once a week but he was masturbating to porn 4x a day. I brought it up for months that i was uncomfortable with the amount of porn he was viewing and that it was affecting us as a couple. I always got the same response "its just some porn and you are taking this all the the wrong way it's not a big deal" then I hit my breaking point. He told me (i don't know why) that he had to view porn to get an erection to have sex with me. He might as well have hit me in the the face when he said that. After that I told him to never touch me again. I wanted nothing sexual to do with him. I was crushed and he didn't understand why. I told him he was getting all his needs meet but i was getting nothing but loneliness. We barely talked, we kissed once in 5 months, he never tried to comfort me or offer any emotional support. I couldn't go on like that. One night he was watching hbo and got aroused by a naked woman and tried to have sex with me. I flipped out. I told him he needed to go service himself cause it was very good clear to me he preferred his hand and porn over me and that i would be making arrangements to move out cause i wasn't being a roommate anymore. This I guess set off a light bulb in his head and he finally realized there was a problem. He made the decision to stop watching porn and to masturbate less frequently. So far my husband hasn't viewed porn since April and hasn't masturbated since late June. Our sex life and intimacy have gone up dramatically and he definitely sees the difference in our relationship. 

You can voice your concerns to your husband all day long and it will probably fall on deaf ears until he sees it as a problem that needs to be corrected. My husband so no need to fix anything until he knew i was absolutely serious about taking action and walking away. It would have killed me to do it but it was something that needed to be done for my own sanity. I still struggle with self esteem issues from it but like him I work on the that daily.


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## Zzyzx

Ran into this site the other day while researching how to help a friend deal with this problem.

Your Brain On Porn | Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's Internet porn.

My friend will check it out. I dealt with this years ago first through distracting myself away from it then using my faith. But I recognize it's not that easy for a lot of men.


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## Hope1964

My husband went from porn to chat sites to hook up sites to one-on-one webcam chats to going to meet someone. He got scammed out of thousands of dollars and never did actually meet up with anyone, but he wanted to. When I caught him he sobered up and now attends Sex Addicts Anonymous.

My advice would be to dig deeper and see if he's carried it to the next level, because there's a very good chance he will if he hasn't already. Him saying he was looking for another woman for you is a huge red flag to me.

You are not over reacting. Get the book In The Shadows of the Net by Patrick Carnes and get him to read it if you can. Carnes wife also wrote one from a spouses point of view that you may want to read yourself.


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## realmenfight

Having been hooked on porn myself, I can say with certainty that you can't just "behave" on this problem. That is, keep it under control. Sin always comes pregnant.

If you don't believe that there is a God, then you don't need to continue reading this.

If you do, then scripture says that if a man lusts after another woman, he has committed adultry in his own heart. Are you "all his"? Don't you want to be? Did you ever wonder why you feel uncomfortable with him viewing porn? That's the heart of God telling you it's not right.

I know other guys here will post that it's ok, as long as he keeps it under control. It's bad advice. He (we) need to run as far away from it as we can. 

He has to want to change. He has to believe he is more of a man when he only looks at you with excitment and not another girl that could very well be his daughter. (and by the way, they are always somebodies daughter)

Pray that God enters both of your lives in such a way that he moves you both in a direction that he wants. 

I'm sorry for your pain. I can only imagine. I know what I did to my wife, and I will never look at porn again. I love God (and my wife) too much.


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## AnonymousRN

he has a way of twisting things so it feels as though i may be over-reacting.. i feel pretty along with this. It's not the kind of thing i can discuss with others. it's so conflicting. we were married late August.. he was so moved that he broke down and cried twice during the ceremony he was so overjoyed. He is nota man who cries. it was moving. tome, spending $$ on porn is an escalation. The need to lie to me about it and continue with it suggests addiction to me. Our sex life is still intact. we have good sex, at least 1-2x a week.. I would prefer more often but i think it may be just my hormones. thank you for the responses. i will have to look into your suggestions.


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## realmenfight

He cried because he is a decent man inside. We are all created in the image of God, but a battle exists in us all. The part you describe of his breaking down is the part you want to keep. 

The first step in any addiction is to acknowledge that the person has one. You and I know that it is, be he is rationalizing for himself. I did that for years. "Just one more time" and "I'm not touching anybody" and "I take good care of my wife" etc. etc. All along the way you know you feel hurt and you told him so. 

I liken it to putting the sheriff badge on our heart instead of our brain. When it's on our brain we can't police ourselves because we won't "pull ourselves over" and throw ourselves in jail. The heart however doesn't rationalize things. Our heart knows different, and won't compromise with evil. 

If the heart is with God, the rest of us will follow. 

If he thinks he can solve this alone, then mark my words. If you are both blessed to be together years from now he will be doing the same thing. Perhaps worse.

If he ever wants to talk to somebody that was just like him with a porn addiction, have him call me. I've walked in his shoes for 20 years or more. 

My wife and I have dedicated a couple of websites just for the purpose of helping men break away and the victims that suffer. 
One is www.leafoutreach.com and the other is Real men fight. You can find my number under the "contact" section of realmenfight.com 

Our prayers are with you!


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## insideandout

I have similar concerns. I caught my husband. He was lying to me about the sites, saying they were just pop-ups (amateur porn, live chats, and so on) so I did my own investigating and confronted him. He admitted to me he was looking. (he had a hockey injury at a young age to that manly area, which sometime causes him not to get hard) This was his excuse to looking, so me being understanding, I said okay just don't do it again. He promised. It's not that I don't understand, but to me he shouldn't have been doing this since we have been married (and we have 2 daughters). Plus, instead of porn, get viagra. (he said he is embarrassed), but to me then he is being selfish. My biggest disappointment is that he was doing this often since we were married, plus lying to me about it. I do find it a form of cheating, when really he is using pornography to get aroused to have sex with me or to have a different form of pleasure. What's even more maddening is that, me, his wife, is very sexually active, very adventurous, in shape, and in my prime, but why do I have to feel insecure, out of place, and frustrated because of his actions. As AnonymousRN, should I be more concerned? What would be my next step in trusting him again? I don't want to be checking up on him, but I do.


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## square1

AnonymousRN said:


> he has a way of twisting things so it feels as though i may be over-reacting.. i feel pretty along with this. It's not the kind of thing i can discuss with others. it's so conflicting. we were married late August.. he was so moved that he broke down and cried twice during the ceremony he was so overjoyed. He is nota man who cries. it was moving. tome, spending $$ on porn is an escalation. The need to lie to me about it and continue with it suggests addiction to me. Our sex life is still intact. we have good sex, at least 1-2x a week.. I would prefer more often but i think it may be just my hormones. thank you for the responses. i will have to look into your suggestions.


My H did the samething making me feel like I was crazy for thinking there was a problem. I was always over reacting or taking things the wrong way.I had no one to turn to as well. I couldn't discuss it with anyone. And thats when the loneliness took over. Yeah we had sex like once a week but I wanted more. I wanted intimacy. I wanted our relationship back not just the occasional sex and then just being the roommate who cooked and cleaned. 

If the 1-2x a week isn't enough for you then you need to say something. He needs to also focus on your needs as well not just servicing himself. The problem with addiction is he doesn't have the problem everyone around him does. He needs to realize it is a problem to him and his marriage. Problem here is you can't make someone realize anything. Its up to them to recognize it.


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## AnonymousRN

so I spoke with him.. or rather calmly and politely confronted him. It didn't turn into an argument which was nice. He apologised and said that he had been trying to cancel the subscription as i had asked but that ithad him clicking ok a bunch of times and the last ok was a renewal button that charged him for 2 monthes. He said he was trying to get it fixed. Its plausible. I know those sites tend to try to trick you into spending money..one way could be to make it difficult to cancel the subscription. 

I told him my concerns and that I think he may have a porn addiction. he kind of laughed it off.. I asked him to get rid of his collection.. or at least a considerable portion of it. He is reluctant. He agreed to get rid of a considerable portion but has not done it nor do I believe he will without nagging and pressure to do so. 

I don't think its a topic he feels comfortable discussing.. perhaps he has a sense that his relationship with porn is abnormal. 

He said the Red Screen site is a pop-up and that he does not have an account there. 

It is hard to figure this out. With drugs it was so plain to see the problems. with this, it's not as obvious. For the most part our relationship is intact with no issue.. and yet, here this sits.. a thorn.


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## realmenfight

So he is saying that he can "manage" it. 

Then you have negotiated with him the amount he is allowed, a threshold so to speak. 

Answer this next question honestly. In your heart, are you comfortable with that?


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## OldSchool

Good heavens, 200 bucks? I don't see why anyone pays for porn anymore there is so much free stuff around.

Anyway, sounds like major trust issues there, you need to confront it on some level or it will never change (except to get worse), maybe suggest marriage counseling?


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## trey69

If you feel its an addiction then ALL of it will need to go. Thats like telling an alcoholic who is wanting to live a sober life you can have a beer from time to time, doesn't work that way. 

Telling him or even if he himself is choosing to keep "some" of it, then he isn't giving it up. Therefore if its in fact an addiction it will stay and continue to get worse. Its possible you are enabling him. Google enablers and see what you think.


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## AnonymousRN

well, I don't know if its an addiction.. but i know its a problem. I only assume its an addiction, as he is addiction prone. as for the $200.. its about that i think as it is $20 a month and he has been doing this for some time.. 

so I had prev. posted that i spoke to him, that although reluctant he would make some changes.. blah blah

well it was BS. The only change he made was the password to the website. I cracked it.. the new password is "YouB*TCH" and he was apparently browsing porn last night after i went to work for the night shift.

#1 our marriage is supposed to be built on trust. But he is lying to me and I am spying on him. This is a mess.

#2 the new password is obviously aimed at me.. and for what? asking him to cut back. 

#3 i was so mad I changed the password to 'Divorce' and then changed the email so he can't crack the account back open and he is out the $40 he spent until january when it expires. 

He doesn't know i did this yet and i could still change it all back before he finds out. Part of me wants to; to avoid a fight. He will yell at me for locking him out.. probably rage and over-react all the while maintaining that he is not an addict and that I am the one over-reacting. But part of me wants to leave it as is and let him find out he's locked out.. but that part of me.. i dunno .. seems petty,revengeful..spiteful. I am hurt and angry and I want to lash out.

I know we need counseling.. but truthfully i think he needs therapy. He went to one appointment and said it was the wrong guy for him. Maybe all the problems are part of onebigger one.. his anger, defensiveness, his mood swings, the porn, the lying.. 

i have been very depressed lately..


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## square1

AnonymousRN said:


> well, I don't know if its an addiction.. but i know its a problem. I only assume its an addiction, as he is addiction prone. as for the $200.. its about that i think as it is $20 a month and he has been doing this for some time..
> 
> so I had prev. posted that i spoke to him, that although reluctant he would make some changes.. blah blah
> 
> well it was BS. The only change he made was the password to the website. I cracked it.. the new password is "YouB*TCH" and he was apparently browsing porn last night after i went to work for the night shift.
> 
> #1 our marriage is supposed to be built on trust. But he is lying to me and I am spying on him. This is a mess.
> 
> #2 the new password is obviously aimed at me.. and for what? asking him to cut back.
> 
> #3 i was so mad I changed the password to 'Divorce' and then changed the email so he can't crack the account back open and he is out the $40 he spent until january when it expires.
> 
> He doesn't know i did this yet and i could still change it all back before he finds out. Part of me wants to; to avoid a fight. He will yell at me for locking him out.. probably rage and over-react all the while maintaining that he is not an addict and that I am the one over-reacting. But part of me wants to leave it as is and let him find out he's locked out.. but that part of me.. i dunno .. seems petty,revengeful..spiteful. I am hurt and angry and I want to lash out.
> 
> I know we need counseling.. but truthfully i think he needs therapy. He went to one appointment and said it was the wrong guy for him. Maybe all the problems are part of onebigger one.. his anger, defensiveness, his mood swings, the porn, the lying..
> 
> i have been very depressed lately..


Me personally, I would leave the password changed. He needs to start taking your concerns seriously and until he does this behavior will continue. Again my H wasn't Willington admit here was a problem with porn until I told him I was going to move out. I was tired of the lying, sneakiness and in general feeling like i was coming second to porn. I told him in order to build the trust i needed access to everything. I got passwords for every account he was using to view porn, he allowed me to delete all downloaded videos on his laptop (and his portable harddrive although I think he thought I forgot he had one) another rule was when he was online he could not delete the search history. After I first raised my concern and told him I loved at the search history and it was nothing but porn he started deleting it and pretending he wasn't looking. But i found new videos (this was before I was allowed to delete everthing).


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## Jamison

Unfortunately its probably going to take something drastic to happen for him to wake up. That may or may not make him wake up either, but sometimes if a person figures they have nothing to lose, then they wont give up what they are doing. He needs a consequence and it has to be you that sets that consequence. Slapping him on the wrist and saying NO or just calling him out on it, is no longer working.


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## rockland45

I agree with much of what's been shared here. I think it certainly sounds like your husband could have an addiction to porn if he's fighting giving it up so much. Also, it's really not possible for him to just "dabble" in it. I think someone previously gave a really good illustration of an alcoholic not being to have just "one beer." And, along these lines, addictions are usually not something you can give up on your own without some outside help. 

However, I'm sorry your husband isn't at the point yet where he's willing to seek some assistance. That's why, as the others urged, some tough love may be in order. I know that's easier said than done, but it doesn't sound like you're willing to live with the status quo-and I don't blame you!

There is definitely a reason why this is bothering you and _it is a big deal_. In fact, I came across some really good points from some counselors on another forum concerning the harmful effects of pornography on a marriage. This article also touched on this topic.

So, all that to say, I'd encourage you not to let this go. Seek out some counseling for yourself-even if your husband won't go. At the least, they can give you some ideas on how to respond to him. Marriage wasn't meant to be this way, and I'll be praying that you'll see a change in your relationship.


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## Mr B

Just try and get your insurance to pay for treatment of "sex addiction" or "porn" addiction". They won't. And they won't because both these things are not recognized by the American Psychiatric Association. Without a DSM code number from them no insurance company will cover treatment.

They (the APA) rightly believe that sex and porn "addiction" are simply symptoms of other psychological problems that ARE recognized by them.

Find out what those are and you have an answer as to why the person acts out sexually and an actual real psychological problem that your insurance will pay for treatment for.

The terms "sex addict" and "porn addict" where created by those who seek to reap a financial gain by treating these "addictions" or by right wing religious types who have a moral agenda. The treatments offered by these people (like 12 step groups) only seek to cure the "scratch" not the "itch"

All people who misuse anything that increases the "feel good" brain chemicals like serotonin and dopamine do it because they do not have a normal base level of these, something they were most likely born with. They act out in order to self medicate themselves.

The "addiction" industry never speaks about this but instead puts all the emphasis on the acting out rather than the cause of the acting out.

Until 12 step groups and so called "therapists" for hire recognize the underlying causes nobody gets cured. These types of interventions may temporarily stop the acting out but the patient never gets rid of the urge because they have a physical and psychological need to feel better which is never addressed. By stopping the acting out you put them into a situation where they not only continue to suffer with the brain chemical problem they also now have to fight desperate urges too. this is a particularly nasty form of psychological and in some cases (as with alcohol and drug abuse) physical torture.

Which is why extremely high relapse rates are the 12 step groups' and in patient therapy businesses' dirty little secret. However it does make for a lot of repeat business which they love.

If you or someone you know is acting out see a psychiatrist first. They are the ones qualified to dig deep to find the cause of these psychological illnesses and treat them properly.


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## PFTGuy

It's a tough problem to solve, I think. I don't really have any quick solution to offer, but I agree that you have a valid concern and a right to object to his behavior. I've struggled with this addiction/compulsion myself...it's a perversion of a natural need. It never got in the way of sex in my marriage, because there was little of it to begin with, but still my wife vehemenently objected when she found out so I tried to stop. Still view occasionally. I'm able to refrain, but then it's like I'm suppressing all sexual desire, which feels a little depressing. He may feel the same...that if he really stops, maybe he's afraid of what he will lose. Is that possible?


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## realmenfight

I feel compelled to say that I believe this thread is taking a "clinical" overtone to it, like it's "genetics, chemical reaction, etc. and going to psychiatrists. It's as simple as this. We are all broken people, with tendencies to be weak in certain areas. Men struggle with this all the time because God has wired us to enjoy the forms of women. We've been created to appreciate women and sex. That's by design. The problem comes into play when we use it in the wrong ways, and to pleasure ourselves. Sure certain pathologies in life can contribute to a greater need to realease those chemicals in a mans body that create pleasure. But it's the personal responsiblity that we, as God's children, need to respond to! 1 Corinthians 10:13 says that any sin is not too great that we can't overcome. A man can't simply walk away from porn, like it's too strong for him to overcome? I would venture to say that most men reading this right now would not have a problem laying down their life for their wife. But are we so weak we can't turn away from porn sites? Really? I viewed porn for many years, but my love for God and my wife was stronger. 

Here's the headlline: It's not trying to be disciplined enough to stop doing something that is wrong that is the problem. Maybe it's starting to do something that is right that can overcome it.


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## Mr B

Yes for god's sake let's not bring medicine and science into it. 

Why are all you religious types always so backward and intellectually vacant?


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## stupad

Be careful about knocking some of these treatments on here.


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## realmenfight

This is not an argument between each of us, it's only heartfelt advice for the lady asking the question. As to being intellectually vacant, sometimes I feel that way, so I don't disagree with you Mr. B. Perhaps it's best that the question is posed to AnonymousRN. Do you feel that a shrink's couch for a month or two will unravel the problem so there will be an epiphany on his behalf that will make him start saying "I really don't like looking at naked women" or perhaps scientifically looking at research that shows what chemicals are at play in a man's body and getting some medicine or shot in the arm to have him turn away from porn?

Or do you think subscribing to a new way of living will be the remedy? 

Generally (allow me to use another addictive problem) people are fat because they eat too much. Yes, diabetes and thyroid are the reason why a small percentage of people are obese, but for the most part it has very little to do with science, and everything to do with us not putting our fork down.


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## annagarret

As a woman we take this completely personal, which your husband does not understand, only because he is male, not because he doesn't love you. Stand firm and do not allow him to continue without serious ramifications to your marriage. No one can change him except him. Hold him accountable. Men can learn to bounce their eyes and retrain their mind. Gently ask him if he recognizes triggers in his life that push him towards his addiction

As a wife I highly recommend you read Every Mans Battle, by Steve Arterburn. It may disgust and repulse u at first by try to have compassion and understanding of what being born male is like. Prayers are with u. You are not alone know that. Keep fighting for your marriage.


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## desert-rose

AnonymousRN said:


> he has a way of twisting things so it feels as though i may be over-reacting.. i feel pretty along with this. It's not the kind of thing i can discuss with others. it's so conflicting. we were married late August.. he was so moved that he broke down and cried twice during the ceremony he was so overjoyed. He is nota man who cries. it was moving. tome, spending $$ on porn is an escalation. The need to lie to me about it and continue with it suggests addiction to me. Our sex life is still intact. we have good sex, at least 1-2x a week.. I would prefer more often but i think it may be just my hormones. thank you for the responses. i will have to look into your suggestions.


Twisting things --- Gas-lighting. Protecting the drug (porn).
Can't discuss with others -- Please go to a counselor; you can't deal with this alone.

You have to deal with this or it will get worse. My husband and I have only been married for just over a year. His porn addiction moved into the cheating and casual encounters arena and destroyed us. We're now separated. Get help for his addiction and do not enable it. Be strong for yourself and for him.


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