# my wife is very lazy and nothing i say has helped.



## husb (Apr 11, 2018)

I got out of the navy in October and i have since been going to school for engineering. its a heavy course load so i go to class/ work on homework for close to 8 hours a day. my wife works full time and we have 3 year old. i like a very clean house, for example i hate dishes in the sink and we have 2 dogs so i am constantly sweeping and vacuuming the floors. i spend on average 2 hours a day cleaning the house and my doesn't really spend any time cleaning the house at all. 

After the kid goes to sleep ill clean up the messes from her and my wife just sits there! It seems that she just doesn't care about doing chores because she knows i will just do them later. she leaves her clothes all over the floor and i don't remember the last time i saw her do any chores without deliberately asking her to. We like to watch tv or play board games after the kid goes to sleep and if she asks for a snack i will usually get something for us, but if i ask her i just catch **** for asking, like "why dont you just do it yourself" or something. i feel like i do so much for the house and for our child and she just doesnt contribute.

I have tried talking to her about this and it will work for a day or two because she feels guilty but then it goes back to normal. i have tried assigning her specific tasks she is in charge of but she is always tired, or some other excuse. I feel like a maid for her and like she constantly takes advantage of me. 

I am so tired of always having to ask and her not listening to my simple requests to pick up after herself. So i need help, what can i do to make her want to help more around the house?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Hire a maid.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

minimalME said:


> *Hire a maid.*


*And have an immediate "Come to Jesus Meeting" with her!*


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Sorry bro.....a clean house isn't as important to her as it is to you

Hire a maid or let her quit her job


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

This is very common but usually the roles are reversed. 

A couple questions... who does the cooking? Who does the laundry? Is it possible that she is doing more than you are giving her credit for? 

The problem is that what you think is messy and what she thinks is messy are clearly different. So from her point of view If your unhappy with the “mess” even though there is no mess than that’s on you for cleaning. 

I totally get it, I like a really clean house as well. You guys have to come to a middle ground. She is not going to change, this is who she is. Just like you won’t change.


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## husb (Apr 11, 2018)

I dont remember the last time she cooked a meal for us. i pack her lunches and i do the laundry. i think you are right we do need to find a middle ground and niether of us will change but every time i try to find a solution it works for a day or two then its back to what she was doing before. do you have any suggestions on how i make the changes stick?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

husb said:


> We like to watch tv or play board games after the kid goes to sleep and if she asks for a snack i will usually get something for us, but if i ask her i just catch **** for asking, like "why dont you just do it yourself" or something.


We teach people how to treat us. You have taught her that you are the errand boy. You need to now teach her that you are not the errand boy.

Start small. This one topic is a good place to start. From here on out, if she wants a snack, don't get up and get it. Just ignore her request and keep on doing what you are doing. If she asks again, very politely tell her something like, "So get yourself a snack." If she gives you lip about it reply with as few words as possible with something like "If you want a snack, you can get it."

If you want a snack, just get up and get one for yourself. If you get one for the children as well, don't get any for her.

Try that to start with.

On the house keeping bit, there is some truth to the fact that the person who is more fastidious about house work will be the one who will end up doing most of the work. Usually it's the woman. But in your case it's you. 

As long as there is no health risk, she can have whatever lax attitude about housekeeping as she wants.

Do stop doing anything that is for her. If you are driven to pick up her dirty clothing and messes, then do as little as possible. For example I used to keep a box that I dumped everything into that my husband left around the house. If he cared about them, he could put them away. I even dumped dirty dishes and dirty laundry in with his books, electronics, etc. Was that passive aggressive? Yep. But I only did that after asking him 1000 times to please not leave his dirty clothing, dishes, trash and stuff all over the house.

Do you do her laundry? If you do, stop doing it.

What other things, besides getting her snacks and picking up her dirty laundry to you do that are for her alone?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

husb said:


> I dont remember the last time she cooked a meal for us. i pack her lunches and i do the laundry. i think you are right we do need to find a middle ground and niether of us will change but every time i try to find a solution it works for a day or two then its back to what she was doing before. do you have any suggestions on how i make the changes stick?


Stop doing her laundry. This is an easy one.

Stop packing her lunches. This one is easy too. 

Actions speak much louder than words. She knows that she does not have to listen to your complaints because you have taught her that after a few days she can stop doing things and you will do them. So teach her through your actions that you will not do things like her laundry and make her lunches.

So yea, I have some suggestions for making things stick. The first step is through action not words. STOP doing things that are for her.

How old are your children?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

husb said:


> I dont remember the last time she cooked a meal for us. i pack her lunches and i do the laundry. i think you are right we do need to find a middle ground and niether of us will change but every time i try to find a solution it works for a day or two then its back to what she was doing before. do you have any suggestions on how i make the changes stick?




Stop being a push over. Why are you making her lunches? Stop. She’s a big girl she can do it herself, and if she doesn’t than that’s her problem not yours. 
Stop doing all these nice things for her if she doesn’t do them back. You need to set new rules and just let her know what’s up. Tell her your tired too, and you feel like you are putting in more work than she is and for now on she can pack her own lunch. And make a rule, if one person does the cooking the other cleans up, that’s fair. And you guys can do laundry together... it’s a nice way to spend time together, talk and get a chore done. Schedule a day out of the week where you both hang out and do laundry TOGETHER. 
But if she doesn’t do it, stop doing it for her. You may have to deal with things not being done your way every time but that’s the compromise.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

ButtPunch said:


> Sorry bro.....a clean house isn't as important to her as it is to you
> 
> Hire a maid or let her quit her job


Have to disagree.

A clean house isn't as important to her as it is him.

What makes you think that letting her quit her job would make cleaning the house any more important to her?

It won't.
If anything it will give her free rein to lay around on her lazy ass more.

No. She stays working. No ifs ands or buts!

Great way to make himself a total and complete doormat and a victim to be raped by the divorce courts!


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

OP,

Stop getting her snacks, stop doing her laundry, stop making her lunches. If that doesn't get you some resolution, stop doing more.

She needs to figure out how to be a self sufficient human being.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Windwalker said:


> Have to disagree.
> 
> A clean house isn't as important to her as it is him.
> 
> ...


I was only kidding as I get the feeling the OP likes the money coming in.

Who runs the finances....I bet I can guess who?

Paging my favorite poster on this topic @FrenchFry


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## Akfranklin2014 (May 9, 2017)

I'm going to play devil's advocate here. When you're making her lunch is she doing something else, like getting ready for work or getting your child ready in the mornings? If so that's an even trade off. My husband gets dressed quicker than I do in the mornings so he makes both of our lunches while I'm getting ready. My husband also cooks but that's because he won't let me near the kitchen. I'm pretty sure she feels like she works just as hard as you do. 

Also, what kind of jobs do you both have? Does she work in an office? Do you do manual labor? When you're trying to turn things around, don't make light of the fact that she works in an office (if that's the case) and you do manual labor (if that's the case.) My husband does this and it drives me nuts. Just because someone works in an office doesn't mean they don't work as hard as someone who works outside or does manual labor. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

Go on strike.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Working full time with a 3 year old is exhausting. However, housework is not that bad if you can train yourself to keep it up a bit at a time. She needs to step up, but does she have the tools? I grew up with a mom who wanted to do EVERYTHING. I had to learn how to manage the house in an ongoing way. When I first got married I thought you just waited until Saturday and did everything. It was overwhelming, and I didn't know how to fix it, so I kinda did not much of anything for awhile. Thank goodness a nice older lady showed me how to make it a daily routine!

If she's just being lazy and refuses....then she needs to fork over the dough for a housekeeper.

One more question: was she enthusiastic about you going to school full time instead of working? If not, maybe she's stewing in resentment?


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

:grin2: I was already reading this one, thanks @ButtPunch!

OP, I'm a "lazy" wife - or as I feel my husband is an OCD maniac. I'll be honest as say he still has not made me find a way to care about dishes left in the sink for a few hours. 

It's not that I assume my husband will do them - it's that his timeline on getting things done and my timeline are different. If my husband was not around, I wouldn't suddenly do dishes right after dinner. Same with clothing. Same with anything, really. 

If you want to "assign" tasks, I think that is a fair solution - but you have to be willing to let go of the grudges in asking your wife to do her tasks or don't bother. My husband asks me all the time to do something. Because he's nice and respectful about it, it's not a problem. He used to ask me to do something and lecture about it - I might have done it a couple times but a lecture doesn't make me want to repeat an action. He has to ask me though - this is not an automatic thing in my head.

I would agree with the "go on strike," posts but to be honest it can go a couple ways. I sometimes don't notice when my husband "goes on strike," because well ****, if the dishes are still there in the morning, I guess I'll get to them when I can later. The things that are a big deal to him aren't to me. It can also be a relief to you - my husband went on strike with dusting...and felt better. All I noticed was that I stopped getting lectured about it.

We do big cleans together on the weekends. Usually a big clean then go out to lunch. I like that a lot.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

ah, the big clean on the weekends...

akinaura and i do that. as she says it, weekends are the best time to "clean clean" the house, which is different than when she wants to "clean" the house. i can handle cleaning the house. clean cleaning the house also typically doesnt bother me. and, with some music and a good supply of coffee, i can handle clean clean cleaning the house. 

but when she hits that fourth clean, i bail. at that point, my patience for neurotic is all cleaned out...

:grin2:


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

Hahaha, cleancleancleanclean

I mean, some of it is tempering expectations. No, husband I am not going to dust off the banisters every single day. We can fight about it every day (I've got the stamina, believe me) you can do it and be angry that I don't love cleaning the banisters, you can clean it everyday and feel good about it or you can wait for me to clean it - which will be once a month at best.

3 year olds are also a pain to keep clean after. All I cared about at that age was a) making sure all choking hazards were out of reach and b) everything that has been put in mouth, butt, toilet or dirt gets washed off before it goes back into one of those areas.

Play on each others strengths.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

FrenchFry said:


> Hahaha, cleancleancleanclean
> 
> I mean, some of it is tempering expectations. No, husband I am not going to dust off the banisters every single day. We can fight about it every day (I've got the stamina, believe me) you can do it and be angry that I don't love cleaning the banisters, you can clean it everyday and feel good about it or you can wait for me to clean it - which will be once a month at best.
> 
> ...


I bet we have some things in common. I like to relax after eating dinner. That means that I might not do dishes until right before bed. Or I might get up 15 minutes earlier and do them. I think my new hubby was nervous about this at first (his ex-wife did nothing. I mean.....nothing. She literally slept and smoked all day long). But he learned that there would never be dishes in the sink for more than a few hours, and never if company was coming. He's learned to relax and I - because he takes such good care of me and loves me like crazy - have stepped up my game because I just want to make him happy (yes, we are gross). However, he has taken over the bathroom floor because no matter how closely I clean it, he wants it cleaner lol


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## Akinaura (Dec 6, 2011)

As'laDain said:


> ah, the big clean on the weekends...
> 
> akinaura and i do that. as she says it, weekends are the best time to "clean clean" the house, which is different than when she wants to "clean" the house. i can handle cleaning the house. clean cleaning the house also typically doesnt bother me. and, with some music and a good supply of coffee, i can handle clean clean cleaning the house.
> 
> ...


I'm not THAT bad! Okay, maybe I do enjoy the smell of Clorox and the sight of a freshly vacuumed house everday...but clean clean is only for weekends...straighten during the week.

As for the OP, take off the "maid" outfit. Sailor to sailor, quit letting her treat you like shes some officer. Last I checked, they don't give out engineering degrees to idiot's, nor do they suggest them. Trust me...had to pass the ASVAB with a 94 and complete Nuke school for my shot at that degree. Even 4 years in gets you Petty Officer status...start using it. On days I work, I pull 8-10 hr days and still do all the housework...so what's her excuse?


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

Yeah @personofinterest, I love relaxing after dinner. It's the first real chance to connect at the end of the day before the bedtime rodeo and I really enjoy it. Similarly I have also stepped up while he has mellowed out -- all because of love. So gross indeed!

I think one of the key changes has been a mutual respect for who we are. I think my husband understands that I will never get the same joy as he does out of a clean house. I understand that he does get that joy so I can do my best - but that it is an effort of love and respect and if both of those start slipping, so does my effort. 

It used to be our biggest fight and now it's a big ol' nothingburger.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

A couple of things. One, you've been through military; she hasn't. So she never 'learned' neatness the way you did in military. Or she never learned it at home. You can't make her be who she isn't.

Two, ANY woman who works full time and raises a toddler shouldn't be scolded for not keeping a spotless house, unless you are shouldering 50% of all the toddler raising work as well as the cooking and cleaning.

Three, is she REALLY doing NONE of the housework? Doesn't get the mail? Doesn't take her car in for oil change? Doesn't take the trash to the curb? Doesn't bathe the kid? Doesn't read to the kid? And so on?


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Dude, I went through this with my ex, it's a hopeless cause. We got divorced for other reasons, she was a piece of work, but when I'm ever at her place to pick up my kid, it's always spotless! You know why, because she never felt it was her place until she was paying for it. Funny huh.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Dude, I went through this with my ex, it's a hopeless cause. We got divorced for other reasons, she was a piece of work, but when I'm ever at her place to pick up my kid, it's always spotless! You know why, because she never felt it was her place until she was paying for it. Funny huh.


Yea, I went through this with my ex husband too. He would not life a finger to do anything is the house, or cook or anything. He was a piece of work. That's one of the reasons that I divorced him.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

husb said:


> I dont remember the last time she cooked a meal for us. i pack her lunches and i do the laundry. i think you are right we do need to find a middle ground and niether of us will change but every time i try to find a solution it works for a day or two then its back to what she was doing before. do you have any suggestions on how i make the changes stick?


Simple, follow the advise we give to wives when their Hs do this.

1. Start taking care of your side of things
2. No more packing lunches for her, do your own
3. Don't do her laundry either, leave it there, do your own
Also no more cooking, make your own food only.
4. The floors may have to wait a bit longer but feed the dogs
5. If it is not too cold, leave the dogs outside, be very firm on this
6. if you are only studying and not working, she probably thinks you have much more time than her on your hands (been there done that and I know studying can be a full time job in itself)


I think she will soon get the message.
I did this when I was working and studying and just couldn't cope. My H started taking his clothes to the laundry LOL. Not what I had in mind, but hell it worked as we agreed to get a maid.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your wife has a boss at work - she doesn't need one at home. You? You have no bosses and should be grateful for that. If you think something needs to be done, do it. Don't go running to your wife and nagging her. 

I can only imagine the responses this thread would get if you were a woman and complaining about your husband not doing housework after working all day while you sat in class and studied.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

How much fun are you to live with OP?

My husband can be EXTREMELY over the top about cleaning...he's learned to tone it down but it still rears its head occasionally.

Our house is always clean, sometimes messy but never dirty. When people are coming over there won't be dishes on the sink or a basket of washing in the lounge. And you know what? Even if there was I wouldn't worry about it all - hubby would, but not me. But we are so different on what we consider clean and messy. It just doesn't bother me if he leaves his shoes on the floor in the lounge or sits on the bed after I've made it, or god forbid leaves the toilet seat up, who cares? First world problems, lol.

He hates it when I leave my shoes on the floor in the lounge, lol, or my cup on the coffee table. Different strokes for different folks.

Lighten up.

I'd be VERY suprised if your wife really is doing nothing...who takes your child to daycare and picks her up? Gets her ready? Baths her? Reads to her? Plays with her? Maybe after a day away from her child she considers spending time with her child more important than cleaning the house? I'm the same. I'll hang out with my girl over doing housework any day of the week.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Hows the rest of your marriage?

Do you like spending time together?

Good sex?

Like family values?

Don't fight about money?



If all these things are good then accept your differences and be thankfull you found a good woman.



I think the arrangement seems fair . You get to go to school as she works and cares for a child.



If you want help you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.


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## Purple Purse Wife (May 5, 2018)

husb said:


> I got out of the navy in October and i have since been going to school for engineering. its a heavy course load so i go to class/ work on homework for close to 8 hours a day. my wife works full time and we have 3 year old. i like a very clean house, for example i hate dishes in the sink and we have 2 dogs so i am constantly sweeping and vacuuming the floors. i spend on average 2 hours a day cleaning the house and my doesn't really spend any time cleaning the house at all.
> 
> After the kid goes to sleep ill clean up the messes from her and my wife just sits there! It seems that she just doesn't care about doing chores because she knows i will just do them later. she leaves her clothes all over the floor and i don't remember the last time i saw her do any chores without deliberately asking her to. We like to watch tv or play board games after the kid goes to sleep and if she asks for a snack i will usually get something for us, but if i ask her i just catch **** for asking, like "why dont you just do it yourself" or something. i feel like i do so much for the house and for our child and she just doesnt contribute.
> 
> ...


Your work and your school = "close to 8 hours a day." Your wife works full time, which also = 8 hours a day. You've tried assigning her tasks? What are you, her drill sergeant? Where do you get off? Did you marry her to be your maid? Did you not know about these differences in values before you said, "I do," or were you thinking with your little head? You're going to find yourself paying alimony and child support very soon if you don't lighten up. There's a lot more to life than a spotless house. When you're old and lying on your death bed looking back on your life, do you really think the fact that the house was spotless every day is going to matter? You really think that's what make a good life or good marriage? *facepalm* You sound like a control freak.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Your post shows that you are growing resentful of your wife. The two of you are not on the same page and you are angry that you are doing more than your wife. If you came here to try to figure out how to get your wife to do what you want her to do, you have the wrong idea. The only way to get someone to do what you want to them to do is to manipulate them. Controlling someone else's behavior through manipulation is dysfunctional.

As others have recognized, you are enabling your wife to keep behaving the way she is. You are doing things for her that you expect her to do for herself, like her laundry, getting her snacks, making her lunch. Doing the things for her that you want her to do for herself is counterproductive. However, if you stop doing them she might leave her clothes in piles until she runs out of things to wear or she may start picking things up off the floor and decide on what seems the least dirty. She may start buying lunch if you don't make her lunch. 

You can control yourself and what you are willing to do or not, but you cannot control how she will respond. She might start doing her laundry or she might not. She might start making her own lunches, she might not. You cannot predict the outcome.

This is your wife. You can choose to be frustrated and enable her or you can choose to love her as is. If you love someone you want to change, you are not really loving that person but the idea of who you want her to be. I'm not saying that we shouldn't communicate our desires or concerns to our spouses. We should. But not in order to have things as we want them, but so we can work together and have each other's backs. Does your wife believe you have her back, even though you are resentful of her and think she's lazy?

Also regarding your child. She is old enough to be doing most of the clean up for her toys and clothes by herself. You cleaning up for her isn't helping her. Start by cleaning up with her and making it a fun thing. I sing the clean up song with my granddaughter and she enjoys putting things away because it's more like a game to her. I realized yesterday that she has too many toys here (at my house) so I'm going to be putting the baby toys away and leaving out the ones she actually plays with. I will also keep it down to a manageable level so she doesn't dump everything out and become overwhelmed by it all when it's time to clean up.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

husb said:


> I got out of the navy in October and i have since been going to school for engineering. its a heavy course load so i go to class/ work on homework for close to 8 hours a day. my wife works full time and we have 3 year old. i like a very clean house, for example i hate dishes in the sink and we have 2 dogs so i am constantly sweeping and vacuuming the floors. i spend on average 2 hours a day cleaning the house and my doesn't really spend any time cleaning the house at all.
> 
> After the kid goes to sleep ill clean up the messes from her and my wife just sits there! It seems that she just doesn't care about doing chores because she knows i will just do them later. she leaves her clothes all over the floor and i don't remember the last time i saw her do any chores without deliberately asking her to. We like to watch tv or play board games after the kid goes to sleep and if she asks for a snack i will usually get something for us, but if i ask her i just catch **** for asking, like "why dont you just do it yourself" or something. i feel like i do so much for the house and for our child and she just doesnt contribute.
> 
> ...


OP.......

I think you have this all wrong.

I want a clean house.
I want the dishes done every night.
I want it this way or that way....blah blah blah.

WHO CARES if there are some dishes in the sink? you going to loose sleep over it? then the problem is with YOU.

not everyone lives and breathes lives the way YOU DO.....and that's OK.

if its such a deal breaker than you should have chosen more wisely.

maybe your unrealistic demands of cleanliness (given how much you both work and have child care responsibilities) are driving your wife nuts and the more you push the lssue the less inclined she feels to help out.

why not get rid of the dogs? they are a major PITA and constantly make messes. I am sure there are other ways to simplify.

I dig the way you said you "are tired of asking her to do XYZ" as if you are her parent. who made you house dictator? 

unless you just want to come here and gripe and not actually learn if YOUR expectations are out of line. carry on.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

So I guess you'll just have to learn to be a slob


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