# Am I being selfish?



## keepitreal (Apr 28, 2011)

This is my first time posting on here. I’ll try to include all the relevant information.

I’ve been married for 17 ½ years and have been with my husband for 21 years. I meet him when I was 16 and married him when I was 20. He was 23 when we married. We have 2 kids. An 11 year old and 8 year old. 

He is a wonderful man and husband and we get along very well and hardly argue. He is very caring, loving, and gentle and loves me very much. The problem is that I don’t love him and haven’t for several years. I’m very unhappy in the marriage and I am not attracted to him at all. I’ve been staying because of the kids and because he is such a wonderful person. I’ve always thought there has to be something wrong with me to not love him like a wife should. I always thought if I stuck around long enough I would get those feelings for him. It hasn’t happened, and I’m tired of being unhappy. I would rather stay at work than go home to him, I don’t want him going anywhere with me, and I cringe when I see it’s him calling me. It’s like he sucks the life out of me!!

I told him a few days ago that the marriage wasn’t working. He totally freaked out and starting begging me on hands and knees not to leave him. At first I was sympathic, but then I got irritated with his begging and pleading. He also told me now very selfish I am for doing this to the kids and him. I told him I’ve been putting him and the kids first for years, and I thought it was time to put myself first for once. He got very angry that I don’t want to try to make the marriage work or give him a chance to make me happy. I don’t know how to explain it, but I DON’T want to try. I just feel like I’m done. He had his mom come over and begged me in front of her to try. I finally got feed up with it and agreed to try to the best of my ability for him. I emphasized I was only doing it for him and I don’t want to try. I told him that I don’t want him anymore and that anything he does or says isn’t going to change that. He is who he is and shouldn’t try to change himself for me. The past couple of days he has treated me like a princess. He does all the house work and takes care all of the kids needs. I can’t talk to him with out being hateful. I can’t stop crying because I feel so trapped and like I have no choice in my life.

He’s told me over and over I’m being selfish because I don’t have a good enough reason to leave and not give him a chance to make me happy. Am I being selfish? Should I just give in and stick it out for the kids and for him.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Keepitreal... I think I can relate to how you feel, although my feelings for my wife dropped off for a large part because of the lack of intimacy in our relationship and a general growing apart, rather than that I just didn't love her. My wife didn't "fight" for our relationship like your husband did, though. We got married at 25/22, have 10 and 12 year olds, were married 17 years. I have no ill will against my spouse, but I just couldn't stay there any longer. Like you, eventually the relationship was sucking everything out of me.

Having said that, I'm not sure how you're "trying" to make things work. It sounds more like you're willing to let him beat his head against a brick wall until he gives up. In my opinion, you should either make a serious effort to figure out where your love went, or get out. Counselling, some self help books (the Love Languages seems to be popular here), something... You're either in, or you're out. And right now, regardless of where you live, it sounds like you're out of the marriage.

Good luck!

C


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I agree completely with the response above. Its a very sad place you find yourself in. However, with the length of your marriage so far, it just seems like there must be more to it. Some people, and not all, believe that you stick through over about seven years because there is a deliberateness in marriage. In other words, just feeling in love tends to fade without a deliberate attempt to stay connected. Continual actions. Certainly, its only your business if you choose, but was there a transition period where you just couldn't keep trying to stay connected?

I don't want to come across as harsh, so please understand that your feelings make sense. I just couldn't help but thinking that you're allowing yourself to paint him as perfect just to insulate him from additional hurt. For the time you put into the relationship, maybe you owe it to yourself to cut yourself a break? Come to grips with what's missing, if there is more? For instance, sometimes, we men forget to keep the mystery and passion in the relationship, and things get mundane. So, even if he can't recapture that, maybe it can still help him if he moves on.

Again, I'm sorry for your pain.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

What killed your attraction to him and/or the love?


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## keepitreal (Apr 28, 2011)

Well, he moved out yesterday to give me space. It was such a relief to me to know I don't have to face him everyday. I went to counseling yesterday to help me understand my feelings toward him. She said him and I need to set a time table on how long we are going to try so that he's not left hanging. Today has been the first day I haven't cried from all the different emotions going thru me. He has also changed his attitude and is no longer pleading and begging me, getting angry or smothering me with attention. Because of this, my angry toward him is fading. I feel like we can now get thru this part of our life whether it be going our separate ways or trying to work on our marriage.


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## keepitreal (Apr 28, 2011)

Anthony, I'm sorry for what you are going through. From seeing my husbands reaction I can image the hurt and agony you are going through and also the shock of all this dropping on you from out of nowhere. If your wife feels like I do, she is very, very confused with all the different emotions running through her. One minute she is sad and depressed about hurting you, the next minute she is happy and excited about be prospect of being "free", the next minute she is angry at you for making her feel like she has no choice in life but to spend it with you, then next she is scared she is making a big mistake as this is the best she will ever find and should just settle for it.

The past 2 days since my husband has left has been such a stress reliever for me. Once again, I'm able to completely enjoy being with my kids and joke around with my friends and family. I know we have a long road ahead of us as he said he was only moving out temporarily to give me some space. With him not there it feels like a little of something is missing, but I think it’s the company of another adult that is missing and not him that I'm missing.

I wish you and your kids all the best through this rough time in you life!


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## keepitreal (Apr 28, 2011)

Anthony8858 said:


> I had a long talk with my wife this morning. I decided to be 100% understanding about her emotions, and "go with it".
> I told her that if she feels that this is something she has to do, I'll llet her go.
> She assured me that there is no one else, and that she's been "answering to someone" since she's 18, and wants to be "on her own" for a while.
> I told her that, since she feels so strongly about it, I have no choice, but to give her what will make her happy.
> ...



I understand your response to her wanting to still play house but live somewhere else. That would not work! If she really wants to be away from you, then I don't think she would want to come back to fix dinner every day. I can kind of see where she wants to be the one to move out....she wants to give up any kind of responsibilities, including taking care of the kids, it would be the ultimate freedom that she has never had. Myself, I could not do that. My kids are my life and just as much my responsibility as they are their dads. In my case, I'm the one that can still afford the house on my own, so that is why my husband would be the one leaving. If it was the other way around, it would be very hard to move out. This may be why she said she may get past this and it may work. Reality is setting in and she is scared of the unknowns….But in a few years, you may be right back in this same situation. 

I don’t know your situation, but it sounds like you don’t trust her at all. Has she been unfaithful in the past or has she been talking with other guys since your problems started? You sound pretty sure she only wants out so she can be with someone else. I know it can be hard to believe, but there may not be anyone else. There isn’t in my situation, I’m just unhappy with the man I chose to marry when I was a 20 year old little girl. If my husband was a complete stranger that I met on the street today, he is not someone I would chose to date and spend the rest of my life with. I’ve grown and changed a lot in the past 21 years and he hasn’t.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

keepitreal said:


> I’ve grown and changed a lot in the past 21 years and he hasn’t.


Maybe what you meant to say is, he hasn't grown and changed into the man you wanted him to be is more correct. You're unhappy with how your life turned out, you didn't do the things you thought you were gonna do in life. He maybe a great husband and father but he wasn't the guy to fit the mold you had in mind.

Make it a clean and quick break, don't stay and pretend to try when you know your heart isn't in it. Just making it worse on him and the kids. Pack up, leave the house, draw up the divorce papers and go find yourself. It sounds like you're so much happier when he's away from you anyways.


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## rebootingnow (May 3, 2011)

I do think you're being selfish, but if you don't have it in you, you don't have it in you. I think it's better to be honest than resentful or live a lie.

In some ways, this is where my wife is at. Our marriage hasn't been perfect, but its not totally toxic either. She now wants something different out of life and is not willing to work on our marriage. It took me a while to come around, but I do think separating is probably for the best. I don't want to force her to be married, or make this so ugly that our children go berserk. Since we've agreed to disagree we are getting along better. But its pretty early. We'll see how it goes.

I am sad that we couldn't at least try making it work. We spent 99.99% of our time not working on our marriage, so it seems silly to just throw up our hands like we've actually tried something. 

But, again. I'm hopeful this will be best in the long run, and I hope it is for you.


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