# Has anyone had to make this decision?



## orangekitty (Dec 15, 2009)

I last posted in Decemeber 2009 my husband and I was on the brink of separating because I thought he was having another affair with a mutual friend of ours. We have been married for 14 years. But for the last 4 months he has been talking and texting this woman all day everyday and I have repeatedly asked him to stop because of his history of affairs. I now the signs but he kept insisting that she was just a friend. I left him for one night and ended up coming home and he agreed to stop talking to her and I agreed to stop checking his phone bill and his text messages. That lasted for about a month he went back to talking to her and I went back to spying on him. So I moved out. 1 week after I moved out he told me he regrets me moving out and wants to work on our relationship so we have been for the last 2 weeks we have been talking and remembering why we fell in love with each other its been wonderful. Then last Saturday he called me on the phone and told me everything that I accused him of was true he was having an affair with this woman and now she is pregnant. He has known for 1 week so 2 weeks ago he told her it was over between them that he wanted his wife back and then 1 week later she tells him that she is pregnant and then a week after he knows he tells me. But he still wants me to be his wife and come home he realizes what he is throwing away and swears never again to be unfaithful if I would only give him one last chance. So now I have to decide if I want to go home and be his wife. If I can deal with all the issues that will come with this new baby (we have a 13 year old son by the way an only child til now) and having to deal with the woman that slept with my husband that used to be my friend. I was ready to forgive him again and move back I new in my heart that he had had an affair with her even though he denied it over and over and I was ready to give him yet another chance but I never thought he would risk getting her pregnant so that has slammed the breaks on our reconciliation until I can decide what to do. I have no idea how to decide. I really need some advice... I love him we have been together for 20 years since I was 13 & he was 15 years old we are still young but this is the ultimate betrayal to me I dont know how to get past this and move on. Please help.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

This is a very difficult problem, and one that must hurt an awful lot.

I can say this - there is always hope. You mention that you love him (I assume this means you have feelings of love for him). You also mention he loves you.

And he wants to work on the marriage.

So the questions you are trying to answer is: 'Do I want to work on the marriage?'

I'd say that at the very heart of this is a very_ non-emotional_ dilemma. How are you about keeping your word? You made the commitment - and although he has certainly given you grounds to leave him (he broke his part of the contract) - you are not obligated to leave him. You can both live by your commitment - and build on the love you FEEL for one another into love you DO for one another (which is, in the long run, far more important, since the result of _doing_ is the_ feeling._)

It seems to me that the trouble you are having is in the fact that a child came out of this illicit affair - that such a thing is far worse than other things. My question is, why is a pregnancy worse than just having sex? Why is just having sex worse than just chatting? 

It is all unfaithfulness. 

The most that can be said is that a child is a consequence of the immoral behavior. And the real trouble is that divorcing your husband because of this child (which most likely will not be in your lives most of the time) - WILL instead affect the child that IS in your lives most of the time. 

Is the damage that a divorce will do to your son worth the attempt to remove yourself from the uncomfortable feeling s associated with the new child? 

Just to let you know - that new child will be around, regardless of whether you divorce or not. Your husband will have to provide for him - whether you are still married or not. And he will also need to have contact with your son. This means that the children will not only be aware of each other - but may actually know each other - and may even be friends.

As I said, this is a very difficult decision. But not impossible. In time, it will become an issue that your husband and you can work on together to overcome (should you decide to stay in your marriage.)

I say that the damage a divorce will cause, and the fact that it does NOT solve the problem are strong arguments to instead stay together and work this out.

And there is a lot of work to do. It seems to me that very little actual work was done to solve the trouble after it happened in the first place - therefore leaving your marriage vulnerable to further trouble. That has to be a priority for you both (should you decide to stay in your marriage.)


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## lola1978 (Mar 8, 2010)

Wow this is a tough one, although I can relate. During a time of trouble in my marriage which wasn't that long ago I believed my husband was having an affair. The lack of intimacy and physical closeness seemed to point in that direction. Sadly because of a long history of issues I ended up having an affair and this resulted in my husband and I separating for about a month. He came to me and wanted to work out our marriage because he believed my affair was partly his fault. I agreed, but still couldn't shake the feeling he had also been unfaithful. I had asked him and he denied it, even though I had pointed out that I had no right to judge or hold it against him because I had also been wrong. Anyway within a few days of my husband and I deciding to work on things (he hadn't moved back in yet) I get a call from a friend of ours telling me she is sorry, etc but she is pregnant with my husband's child. I have to admit I almost lost it. And even though I had already been unfaithful and was willing to forgive him the same I did not think that I could stand the fact that a child could result from his infidelity. To me that child would be a constant reminder of the infidelity. And from previous experience of being in an unfaithful relationship, I found it worked best to try to get past it.
So I come to find out that not only was my husband not the father but an affair with this woman never even happened (like he continued to tell me from the start). Apparently the woman, who was my friend, saw the demise of my marriage an opportunity to be able to pursue my husband, not knowing that we had already decided to work out our marriage. It wasn't until he had called to confront her that she would admit this. But until I could be sure the child was not his I had told him I could not continue our marriage.
The point of me telling you this? Because I can empathize with your situation. An affair is devastating enough without the impact of a child adding to it. So it all boils down to what you can handle. I do agree with the gentleman who posted above me that the child is not going to go away, even if you do divorce and that your husband will always have to take care of that child divorce or not. And yes, a divorce can impact the child you already have together. But what about the impact on your child to have his sibling who was born by another women during the course of his parents marriage in his life. This will also be difficult for him. And while divorce does cause damage and does not solve every problem, you said that there were other affairs. I can see how one affair can be forgivable but a constant pattern of infidelity and lying can be more detrimental than divorce. 
So what can you live with? Can you live with your husband's infidelities? And the constant mistrust and checking up on him? The wondering all the time if he has started another affair? And then of course, can you live with helping him care for this child? I know this child has a mother, but you do have to be prepared for the fact that your husband may choose to have a relationship with this child, and that this child could very well become a permanent fixture in your lives together? And can you help him care for this child, if need be, without having any resentment towards the child who is an innocent in all this? Please don't think that any resentment would be wrong on your part. People cannot help how they feel and in this case it would be natural to feel resentment for a child who is not yours that came during such a troublesome time. If you cannot live with any of that or think it may be to much for you (which is no sign of failure on your part) then considering a divorce or a separation might be a route you want to explore.
However if you believe that he is telling you the truth, that he is sorry and realizes what he is throwing away and that he will never again have an affair and you still love him then trying to work on your marriage, at least one more time, may be something you want to do.
You are still a young woman and although divorce is not the best thing sometimes it is better than living in an unhappy marriage where mistrust, resentment and betrayal are feelings that are predominant. In regards to your child, you also have to think of him as well. Yes, divorce is hard on any child. But what does he see or sense or your home life with your husband? Keep in mind children know a lot more than we tell them. Does he see an unhappy mother? A mother who is depressed or crying or does he see tension between you and your husband? If so, than there is the possibility that staying in a marriage that is so unhappy could be worse than a divorce. You also have to consider the fact that if he does know what is going on (and he will after the baby is born) does he think this behavior is normal or acceptable? Is this the behavior you want him to emulate? 
I know this is a lot to think about. Sadly you are the only one who can make the decision on whether or not your marriage is worth saving. I wish I could give you advice one way or another, but only you know what is best for you. The only advice I can give you is to do what is best for YOU. Think of you and your child's feelings in all of this. Your husband has had 20 years with you and from the way it seems he has thought about his feelings first, even now with wanting to stay married to you when he created an agonizing situation. I don't know him or the whole story, but I think you need to put your feelings FIRST. And even if you do decide to end the marriage, as far as your husbands feelings are concerned, he will have to learn to deal with the repercussions of his actions. I wish you luck and strength in making this decision as I know it is not easy. And I apologize if I came off sounding a bit to strong, I was only trying to give you things to think about in making your decision. I hope some of it was helpful at least.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

orangekitty~

Overall I agree with what Tanelorn posted in that two things are true: 1) The infidelity happened--unfaithfulness is unfaithfulness is unfaithfulness. Whether a child resulted or not, he was not faithful and did have sex with another person. It's just that it's easier to "put it behind you" when it's not standing in front of you with a smile, huh? And 2) if the child is his, whether you divorce him or not, that child will now be your son's half-sibling. That child will be part of your life now for as long as you live because you are part of your son's life and your son's father has another child. So divorcing will not make the child "go away" or get it out of your life. 

There are a few things in what you wrote that stood out to me though. Can I go over them with you? 



> I last posted in Decemeber 2009 my husband and I was on the brink of separating because I thought he was* having another affair *with a mutual friend of ours. We have been married for 14 years. But for the last 4 months he has been talking and texting this woman all day everyday and I have repeatedly asked him to stop *because of his history of affairs*.


I highlighted and underlined the parts I want to talk about. I just want to be sure I am clear. This is not his first affair, and it's not like he had one WAY BACK WHEN at the beginning of the 14 years when he was young (you know how sometimes we make mistakes when we're not grown up yet). This has been an ongoing issue and he has been unfaithful repeatedly. Each time he makes promises and then ends up texting and talking with other women. Is that right? My guess is that he has some major need that is not being met and he turns to others to fill it. My question is why has this never been dealt with? Why have you not been meeting his needs and why is he turning to others? There may be some things that YOU need to work on to be a good wife and there are definitely things he needs to work on to be a good husband, but they can NO LONGER be ignored or swept under the rug. 



> ...he agreed to stop talking to her and I agreed to stop checking his phone bill and his text messages. That lasted for about a month he went back to talking to her and I went back to spying on him.


orangekitty--I bet you already know what I'm going to tell you. This is not like something that is against his character--he's done this more than once! So if you were to be honest with yourself, you'd admit that he does not love you enough to keep himself only for you...and he does not have a faithful character. Now this *could* change IF HE WANTED TO CHANGE IT! But in order for it to change, he would have to admit he has an issue with faithfulness--maybe sexual addiction or Love/Sex addiction--and he would have to go to counseling to fix himself. Otherwise, you can spy on him and police him until the cows come home, and he'll still just keep doing what he does: being unfaithful. Hurting you does not stop him. 

Furthermore, affairs do not happen in vacuums. Yes he is 100% responsible for his choices and they are 100% devastating to the ones he is committed to--yet usually what happens is that the spouses both stop kindling love and instead start doing actions that extinguish it. So in the same way that only he can decide, he wants to change--same with you. You can not make him be faithful, but you *can* control you, and now is the time to look at yourself and what you did to make an environment where your marriage was vulnerable to an affair. If you face yourself honestly and find you have some things to work on, work on them and don't blame him...and don't justify your bad choices on his bad choices. Just be honest, look at yourself and if you need to do so, work on your issues. 



> So I moved out. 1 week after I moved out he told me he regrets me moving out and wants to work on our relationship so we have been for the last 2 weeks we have been talking and remembering why we fell in love with each other its been wonderful. Then last Saturday he called me on the phone and told me everything that I accused him of was true he was having an affair with this woman and now she is pregnant.


Sooooo...he lied to you to get you back, knew about her pregnancy and didn't tell you, and then used you for two weeks. He is getting some of his needs or sexual addiction or SOMETHING met by you...and some of his needs/addictions/whatever met by others. orangekitty, I don't even know you and I respect you more than to lie to your face. 



> He has known for 1 week so 2 weeks ago he told her it was over between them that he wanted his wife back and then 1 week later she tells him that she is pregnant and then a week after he knows he tells me. But he still wants me to be his wife and come home he realizes what he is throwing away and swears never again to be unfaithful if I would only give him one last chance.


See? He's not an idiot. He knows that if you leave that some of his needs/addictions/whatever will not be met and he wants that...so he keeps stringing you along but never really committing to you and you alone FORSAKING ALL OTHERS. orangekitty, you are a caring, hardworking, beautiful woman and when a man loves you he will commit to you and no other--turn to you and no other for his needs and fun and friendship and everything. So just think about what that would look like: a man who does not need to be watched and who tells you freely what he's doing, who he's seeing, what they said, and what they did. No sneaking, lying or hiding. Got that image? 



> So now I have to decide if I want to go home and be his wife. If I can deal with all the issues that will come with this new baby (we have a 13 year old son by the way an only child til now) and having to deal with the woman that slept with my husband that used to be my friend. I was ready to forgive him again and move back I new in my heart that he had had an affair with her even though he denied it over and over and I was ready to give him yet another chance but I never thought he would risk getting her pregnant so that has slammed the breaks on our reconciliation until I can decide what to do.


And honestly? WELL IT SHOULD. Okay I am all for marriage--and let me tell you now that I will encourage you to look past the unfaithfulness and the child to honoring your commitment to him and to your son. ...But my suggestion would be that really there is NO RUSH to decide right now whether you will or will not go back to him. The fact that he lied to you about his other affairs over and over; that he denied THIS affair over and over to your face; and now that he has made a baby with someone else would be reason to slam on the breaks and say, "I'm going to put a halt to this whole thing until I've had a chance to settle down, think clearly, and think it all through. Until then, NADA!" 



> I have no idea how to decide. I really need some advice... I love him we have been together for 20 years since I was 13 & he was 15 years old we are still young but this is the ultimate betrayal to me I dont know how to get past this and move on. Please help.


Okay orangekitty here is directly my advice. You are dead on right--you have 20 years invested with this man and a 13 year old child together. Your son would indeed be hurt if his house was broken--and yet the root cause of that hurt is not you deciding to act on the truth; it is your husband's actions that broke the vows and destroyed the family. Anyway, I would suggest that you call a time out and basically tell your husband that right now you will not move to come back with him or be back together but you will also not move to leave him or divorce. Just right now, take some time off and some time apart to settle down and think straight. If your emotions are "off the chart" from all this pain and shock, give yourself a chance to get over it a teeny bit and give yourself some time. 

In the meantime observe him. If he is really serious about wanting YOU and wanting to repair the marriage, on his own accord he'll admit that he knows now that he has a problem with affairs. Don't prompt him--see if he says that on his own. And if he does...does he have a plan to go to counseling and fix the problem? How is he going to act differently so he doesn't just do it again? Is he not only willing but anxious to let you have access to his accounts (cell phone, email, chat, etc.) so you can verify he's being honest? See those would be signs that he is SERIOUS!!! In that case, you may just have something you can save! And all you have to do right now is kind of do nothing and observe. 

On the other hand if you say you're not moving home and he gives you pressure, tries to force you, stays in touch with her, won't admit he has a faithfulness problem, blames you, won't go to counseling, and has no plan to do anything different...then you tell me orangekitty. Will it happen again? Does he mean it? Is he using you to get his needs met and couldn't care less about you? 

Okay time for a little time off. Let's see what happens. As long as you don't rush to file papers, you haven't done anything other than remove yourself from an adulterous situation, and that's okay isn't it? And while you take time off and observe him and how he reacts and treats you--you do your part. Work on the things you need to work on. Go to counseling for yourself and become a wife who can meet her husband's needs. Thus if you do reconcile it will strengthen your marriage--and if you don't you will be a better person and a better woman for it!


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Bottom line: he decided to cheat. Again. 

His infidelity is not your fault, but...continuing to put up with it takes its toll. My mother's husband (my stepfather) was a chronic cheater all of their marriage. This made her angry, but she stayed with him. Counseling was not for real men in those days, and in truth, he didn't want to change. A cake and eat it, too, guy. 

I judged my mom for not leaving him, but now that I am on the betrayed end of an affair, I see where it is not so easy to upset the apple cart. That said, please stop letting him wipe his feet all over you and insist that he get the help you deserve if he wants to keep you.

Good luck!

Lyn


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