# Wife needs space to figure herself/us out



## dying_inside (Apr 3, 2011)

Hi, 

I'm new to this forum and i simply had nowhere else to turn to. My wife and I have been married for 2 years and got engaged after 1 month of dating. We were engaged for about a year prior to marriage. Recently things have been going downhill and i feel things are spiraling out of control. 

She has always brought up that I am not affectionate and the usual emotion she displays is frustration. I didn't really put much effort before, because I myself had frustrations with our relationship that in some way made me not want to do much. She has also recently reconnected with her friends and has been going out frequently coming home late or staying at friends house ( because she drank and doesn't want to drive). I got irritated with her going out and sleeping all day after coming home at 5 am since we have a 1 yr old daughter and i usually watch her on weekend mornings. I also do alot of the dishes and laundry just because I feel that its no big deal; however, I admit i used it against her on ocassion and thats wrong. 

After i got made at her she told me the reason why she goes out is because she's not happy anymore. Happy with us (no affection/spark), happy with herself (just lost her job and confused about what she wants to do), and just plain confused. She said she needed space and I'm trying to give it to her. She continues to go out alot and my concern is that she will realize she is happier single. She said she still loves me but might not be in love with me...just devastating. 

The only positive thing that i am gettng out of this is i woke the hell up. I realized that I have been on autopilot and although I dont go out or hang with friends, i havent been there for her. I was physically there but not emotionally. Now I am emotionally alone and sometimes physically alone. She didn't purposely give me a taste of my own medicine, but it happened and I now realize how easy it would have been to just really love her. 

Well I told her all this and it seems she doesnt trust that I can fully be affectionate. Honestly, I don't blame her. Ive told her i would be more affectionate in the past, but i think i just never thought she would get fed up. Well, its serious now. Ive told her that if she wants to work, everyday will be different, because I will appreciate everyday, and thats the truth. If we through this, I'm not wasting another damn minute loving my wife. 

What kills me the most is that we converse and she is cordial with me, but i don't feel that she loves me at all anymore. She says shes confused about us and that she needs to figure things out about herself first. We still sleep in our apartment, because we dont want our families to know and this is ur home. But when she goes out, I feel horrible staying at home by myself...especially after I put my daughter to sleep and I am really all alone. 

Now I know that I need to give her the space she needs. I'm not all that worried about her cheating on me, but I do have my insecurities, mainly that I realized that I didn't give her attention and now she may meet someone that gives her what she's been missing from me. She knows I'm sincere about making everyday count, and that I get it about the affection issue, but said that even if i give her affection now, its kinda late and she needs to focus on herself. 

I have no one...that is no one I want to share this with. I suppose its easy to come to these forums where you can share with some anonymity. I'm dying inside and I know that being all sad and begging her will only push her away faster. I know I have to be strong and focus on myself (she even told me that..smart woman), but its tough because all I want is to be with her. Funny how our instincts in these situations are all wrong. Anyway, I'm not sure what I am looking for here, whether its advice or just a "hang in there." If i am doing anything horribly wrong, please let me know. 

For anyone reading this, thanks for taking the time. This is my heart and soul in print format and as i finish typing this, i feel a little better. 

Joni Mitchell sang it the best - Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got til its gone.


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## dying_inside (Apr 3, 2011)

And to add to this, we have marriage counseling scheduled for monday...and i feel it cant come soon enough. Im excited to go through it and scared at the same time. We've always been on different pages. She really is being good about the situation and I give her credit for really being honest with me and herself. It must have killed her too to actually say the truth and discuss where we could be headed (separation). 

I feel that she really is my soul mate and I'm kicking my self in the ass for not telling her everyday. It must have been hard for her to have a spouse that rarely made you feel loved. Hell im only in day 4 of feeling this way, and my emotions are tearing me apart. I have always supported her in the way that I thought she wanted support, but now i realize not in the way that she needed. Just too many mistakes and now i fear its too late.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

She is not getting it from you so she is getting it else were. The last thing you guys need is space. the both of you need to educate your selfs on having a healthy marraige. 
Stop letting her go out, do not tolorate it, if she abandons you and the baby one more time pack her sh*t up.
She will give you all kind of grap about how controlling you are and a bunch of BS don't stand for it. Inform her that if she leave you will consider it abandonment and will move her back to her parents until she grows up and can commit to her family.

I hope you are not dumb enought to think that she is not getting hit on and if you believe she is turning down affection from other guys even when you don't give her any your nuts.

She is so digging on the attention other guys are giving her b/s you dont. So knock it off and love your wife. What are you thinking? She my not be screwing but I can telling you one thing for sure she sure misses getting kissed and you haven't kissed her in a long time. When was the last time you were charming, and you let your wife go out all night? She is getting kissed and its not a big deal for her, but soon she will find a charming guy that she will fall for and she will want to meet him again and again.

This sh*t will snow ball on you big time. See I was you 20 years ago, so get control of your marraige now, before you get the "I met someone else"

You are so nieve, I can prove I'm right, let her go out one night and have her followed, hell just look at her text on her cell phone. I bet she won't even let you look at it. 

Right now you want to change and she will tell you things like "you don't trust me" have you hard this one "your to controling" this ones my favorite "we are just friends". Your marraige is heading down the wrong path by not going out together as spouse. she should not be going to bars with out you. that will lead to no good, trust me.

You cant controll her but you can let her deside on if she wants her family or her friends. Its her choice, and its your choice to move on with some one that respects you enought to stay home with her man and child. man up


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I've said it on another post, and I'll say it here:
When a man wants space, it means: "I feel a little crowded and overwhelmed, I need time alone to think, but I'll be back."

When a woman wants space, she means: "I've met somebody..."


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## Bachelor4Ever (Apr 4, 2011)

"But when she goes out, I feel horrible staying at home by myself...especially after I put my daughter to sleep and I am really all alone. "

You have allowed yourself to be castrated by your unemployed drunk of a wife. You need to get your testiles back.

Your wife is a loser and if you do not escape from this mess you will end up being a loser also. There is not need to "love your wife more" - I can assure you it will never be enough. And the more you grovel and submit and try to cater to her whims the less respect she will have for you.

Question: What benefit does getting married hold for a man. The answers is none. A man can get love, sex, companionship from a woman without taking on the extreme risks associated with signing a marriage contact. Marriage is the ultimate sucker bet for men.

Women on the other hand obtain tremendous benfits from marriage - i.e. cash and prizes if / when things go south in the marriege. The only risk a woman assumes by signing a marriage contract is that she may have found a bigger sucker (more earning potential) if they had just waited a little longer.......

Your loser / drunk of a wife is too much work..........get yourself out of this (divorce), obey the law, pay what you have pay, and learn a hard lesson.

Men shound never sign a marriage contract.


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## idontknow1 (Apr 3, 2011)

Since your wife agreed to go to marriage counseling, it sounds like she isn't ready to throw in the towel yet. She must want to try too, even if it's just a small part of her.

Marriage is hard. You have to work at it. You should be telling her how you feel, not this forum. Communication is key. No matter what you or your wife has done in the past, there is forgiveness. So you both need to forgive each other for your wrong doings and then move on.

Every marriage is built on friendship. You need to be friends before you can have a successful marriage. It is sad to say that a lot of people treat their friends better than they treat their spouses or family members. 

Affection may show that you love her, but in my own experience actions and words are necessary pieces too. The daily small things that you do for each other are what make a marriage successful. Leave a love note next to her pillow, set a cup of coffee on the nightstand in the morning for her, start her car/scrape her windsheild, help out around the house, surprise her with dinner/flowers/massage, etc. It might seem like a lot of work but it will pay off. Even if she is too angry to reciprocate the actions, continue to do it. She WILL want to do nice things for you.


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## idontknow1 (Apr 3, 2011)

Don't assume your wife is cheating on you because she is spending time away from home. It is perfectly heathy for couples to hang out seperately, but together time is necessary as well. Assumptions only get you angry and cause trouble. Now if she is getting drunk every night then maybe she needs to seekk help for an addiction. You know her. Trust is a big part of marriage and any relatipnship. Everyone needs alone time. You need to get out of the house too. Have your wife stay home or find a babysitter. Since she is unemployed, she probably just stays home all day and maybe just has cabin fever. Talk to her. A great place to keep discussions from getting heated is any 24 hour restraunt. You can go there any time to have discussions and you both will be civil since you probably don't want to explode in public.


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## RayssaB (Apr 4, 2011)

dying_inside said:


> Hi,
> 
> I'm new to this forum and i simply had nowhere else to turn to. My wife and I have been married for 2 years and got engaged after 1 month of dating. We were engaged for about a year prior to marriage. Recently things have been going downhill and i feel things are spiraling out of control.
> 
> ...






You sound like a nice guy, it's good that you trust you're wife.
I don't really know what to tell you honestly, the only reason I felt like answering is because I've read the honesty in you, and I think it's admirable. And the other hand, I am in the same situation as your wife. Have the same problems in my marriage, just that we don't have a child.
I think it's very important that you give her this "break" , and let her think through, and DON'T JUDGE HER she's obviously been through a lot.
I personally can't take the step your wife did because my husband would never understand this concept...of leaving to think about everything, he believes that if a wife wants that is because she has plans on cheating on him and other idiotic stuff like that, when the truth is that the only reason I want to do it is with the hope that me being away from him is gonna make him want me again, to truly desire me and show it without me asking for it.
I personally feel like I am fighting to get loved again, and don't get me wrong,he's a super nice guy, he does lots of things for me. and I appreciate that very much..but there's a problem, he is my best friend, my cool roommate...and is not bad to have a good friend in your husband, but where is the emotion, the passion, where is the lover? He is gone....and I feel guilty now about saying anything else...because he thinks that I am trying to cause an argument anything I say...and to annoy him...and even if not...when he gets tired of "arguing" I guess he starts promising me all these things that he'll never even try to do...and then the story will go on..and on.
I love how everybody thinks that communication is the key for any problem in a couple, when that's not true! I could talk to my husband for hours every day...which is something me do a lot sometimes..and he will eighter confront me or agree with me...but he never really gets it or cares enough to act on it I guess....but the thing I don't understand is , why? cause I know he loves me...so why did he just stopped being emotionally involved. That just makes no sense, and it is so damm frustrating...
So I admire you, you should allow your wife to take whatever steps she needs in order to settle her mind up, don't stay in her way
Take care


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## gersandy (Apr 4, 2011)

This is just exactly the same as what my wife has done. 
We were only married 6 months when she left me. For the 1st few weeks of the split i went mad, all the usual sending texts, phone calls, flowers. But what ive been doing now is just not bothering with her. 
Ive since taken her out on a few dates (no afters). Ive let her see what shes missing. Now shes calling me and wanting to give it another go. 
Were not out the woods yet, but can now see a path out. At the end of the day, she married you for a reason, and she just has to realise that by herself. 
im confident my wife will move back in eventually, and weve agreed to do it in the next couple of weeks.
I feel for you buddy, but what youve got to do is forget about her for the time being. Look after number one, go to the gym, whatever. She'll be back, trust me.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

Wow - read all the links here.

I'll bet it sounds familiar.


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