# I don't know what to do!



## LaKeshaPeters (May 18, 2012)

My husband and I have been married going on 4 years. We have two small children. Almost 3 years ago, we were living with his sister, when we moved out his sister told me he was constantly saying he wanted a divorce. We worked through it, in the last two months however, I've had two other woman say the same thing. He was receiving emails and text messages containing photos of these women. He swears he is innocent, and agreed to do a polygraph test. Since he agreed to it, he keeps saying "I thought I didn't have to take it?" This is making me very suspicious. What should I do?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Press the issue and offer to take one yourself AFTER he takes it.


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## LaKeshaPeters (May 18, 2012)

I have no problem with taking one, and I've told him that. He claims all these women are lying, and he's telling me the truth so he shouldn't have to take the test. For one thing, the last woman that said he told her he wanted a divorce and was unhappy, thought she was talking to him. I had his phone when she messaged him.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Believe your own eyes. Are the text messages and emails innocent? Three different women have told you he has expressed a desire to get a divorce. What motive do all three have to lie to you? What are the odds they would all pick the exact same lie? Maybe he is telling partial truth. Maybe he's "innocent" in that he never intended to get a divorce. He might be "innocent" in the sense that didn't have sexual intercourse with either of two. Without knowing anything else, I'd strongly suspect that he was chatting up both these women and tossed the divorce bit out there to make it seem that he was available or would be soon. If you can line up the polygraph, I'd go through with it and make his little butt get on the poly. He very obviously is concerned about the poly and even though he agreed to take it he didn't think you'd follow through. You said he "swears" he's innocent. Did you ask him to swear or did he just add "I swear" or "I swear to God" or "I'd swear on a stack of Bibles", etc, at the end of his denial? Interrogators recognize such emphasizers as very strong clues of deception.


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## LaKeshaPeters (May 18, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Believe your own eyes. Are the text messages and emails innocent? Three different women have told you he has expressed a desire to get a divorce. What motive do all three have to lie to you? What are the odds they would all pick the exact same lie? Maybe he is telling partial truth. Maybe he's "innocent" in that he never intended to get a divorce. He might be "innocent" in the sense that didn't have sexual intercourse with either of two. Without knowing anything else, I'd strongly suspect that he was chatting up both these women and tossed the divorce bit out there to make it seem that he was available or would be soon. If you can line up the polygraph, I'd go through with it and make his little butt get on the poly. He very obviously is concerned about the poly and even though he agreed to take it he didn't think you'd follow through. You said he "swears" he's innocent. Did you ask him to swear or did he just add "I swear" or "I swear to God" or "I'd swear on a stack of Bibles", etc, at the end of his denial? Interrogators recognize such emphasizers as very strong clues of deception.


No I did not make him swear. I also found out he was a member on some porn sites, when I asked him about it, he lied, till I showed him that I had his account information. He still denied he had anything to do with the account for about 30 minute. Finally he said, "Okay, yes they are mine, but I swear to you I NEVER told anyone I wanted a divorce, or I was unhappy. I only want you, I want us and our kids to be a family, I want to get through this!"


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LaKeshaPeters said:


> No I did not make him swear. I also found out he was a member on some porn sites, when I asked him about it, he lied, till I showed him that I had his account information. He still denied he had anything to do with the account for about 30 minute. Finally he said, "Okay, yes they are mine, but I swear to you I NEVER told anyone I wanted a divorce, or I was unhappy. I only want you, I want us and our kids to be a family, I want to get through this!"


If he's so innocent, why is he emailing and texting other women?

Have you thought about putting a key logger on his computer to find out what he is doing. 

There might also be a way to download his old text messages from his cell. Have you checked his phone bills to see how often he’s texting other women?

From here it sure looks like he’s looking to cheat on you or is actually cheating already.

He might not want a divorce from you but he is most likely telling other women that to get into their pants.

Does that other woman now know that she was texting you and not him?


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## LaKeshaPeters (May 18, 2012)

I know one of them was an ex girlfriend, the last girl he says was just an old friend from school. No I can't check his phone bills but I was able to access part of his records on the boost mobile site. He's called her three time, he claims to talk to her brother. As for a key logger no because it is his work computer, and the police department would get really upset if they found on on here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LaKeshaPeters said:


> I know one of them was an ex girlfriend, the last girl he says was just an old friend from school. No I can't check his phone bills but I was able to access part of his records on the boost mobile site. He's called her three time, he claims to talk to her brother. As for a key logger no because it is his work computer, and the police department would get really upset if they found on on here.


Does her brother have his own cell? Why is he calling her phone to talk to her brother?

How does he justify texting his ex?

Is he using his work computer to view porn? I'll bet the police department would not be too happy about that either.

IMHO, he's either cheating or looking to cheat. Treat it as such.


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## LaKeshaPeters (May 18, 2012)

Yes he was viewing on his work computer. He says her brother lives with him, and he doesn't have his on phone, and that he never messaged his ex, that she sent him a message via yahoo with her phone number, and he never replied.


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## LaKeshaPeters (May 18, 2012)

He says her brother lives with her*


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LaKeshaPeters said:


> He says her brother lives with her*


Do they only have a land line? Or does this brother have a cell phone?

Do you know the name of this brother who is supposed to live with her? Does she live in your area? Could you do some checking and see if her brother lives with her?

If all else fails, call her and ask. Or have some other woman call the number and say that she met him at a club (or somewhere) and he gave her the number and ask for the guy.

He's lied about a lot fo things, this is just one more.


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## LaKeshaPeters (May 18, 2012)

No idea what the brothers name is, and no she doesn't live around close so I can't just drive over there. I will definitely find out though and have someone call, thank you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

He is gaslighting you - making you think you are misreading situations that actually are quite plain and clear as to what is going on.

At a minimum you're husband should be in trouble for being a fool - I mean who actually signs up for pays for porn with the Internet is swamped with free porn?

I be the signups etc are so he can fish for women.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

Cheaters always claim everyone else is lying. Take nothing he says for granted. It is sad that a spouse has to investigate or verify actions of their spouse but unfortunately that happens to a lot of us. I don't know the extent of your H's guilt but you need to watch him closely and verify as much of his statements and actions as you can. 
Start putting money away, start preparing yourself as much as possible in the event that this marriage goes south. I know that may sound dishonest but you have to be thinking and focusing on your future and how you can financially survive a doomed marriage just in case it happens. Your H isn't thinking of you, his actions are proving that. You have to think of you, your children and your future with those children.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

So, it's the word of three separate women (none of whom have anything to gain from lying) against the word of one confirmed liar (who has much to lose from telling the truth). Additionally, you have physical evidence in the form of text messages to his phone. "Guilty".


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## FindingMe123 (May 20, 2012)

I hate that you're in this situation, but it seems pretty clear....He may not be cheating YET, but that's the way it's heading. Please don't turn a blind eye, you'll end up like some of us on here. I played the 'I really want to believe him' game for a long time and trust me, it was alot of wasted time that lead to a lot of heart ache


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## LeighRichwood (Mar 31, 2012)

Sounds like you need to go into stealth mode. Get all your evidence lined up so you can trot it all out where he can't deny. Don't confront him as each incident comes up. Get all your research done and give him everything all at once. When you share the evidence that you gather, then give him the rules for staying married. List your expectations simply and let him know the consequences for not meeting those expectations. 

This isn't an ultimatum - it's simply how you plan to operate within your marriage with him. You're not asking for anything you're not willing to give.

I recommend the book by Townsend called "Boundaries in Marriage" to help you learn how to set boundaries and protect them. To me it sounds like this is a big issue in your marriage. He may not have cheated, but he's pushing into an area that shouldn't be acceptable to you. He's making himself available to others and he's not supporting you or your marriage.


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