# Am I the only one who feels overwhelming fear?



## outofchaos...comeslight (Oct 24, 2013)

My H of 15 years left four months ago and I still feel so much fear like I can't do this on my own when I know I can. I feel fear about letting my kids down. I feel fear that my H will never come back. I feel like a failure. My parents divorced and I always said I would not have my kids go through that. We have not talked about divorce at all but it's not like he's beating down my door either. I was caught so off guard. He wasn't even going to tell me. He was just going to let me find out on my own.

My H has epilepsy and has been declared disabled finally and what was suppose to bring closure to our financial struggles has ultimately caused our separation. It's hard for a man who has worked all his life to be told he can't work anymore. He took on the wife duty at home and I was the 'bread winner'. He felt neglected by me. It hurts so much. I finally decided to take my doctor's advice and take meds for anxiety and depression to help me through this. I've lost 50 lbs. I still can bearly eat and I can't sleep. I hate the weekends! 

Someone else whose been where I am, when does it get better? I find myself looking at other couples longingly. I look at everyone's ring finger to see if they're married. I just want to be able to function!


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Outofchaos
I have found that ending a long marriage is very devastating. We often go through the entire spectrum of emotions. It is normal to be afraid, to feel shame, to feel like a failure. I too felt those feelings
You have to keep positive, find out the great qualities you possess. Keep reminding yourself that you will make it. Remind yourself that you are a strong woman, your children need you.
Find some activities that will help you deal with this loss.
I think marriage is a loss, and as such, we need to grieve and let our mind, heart, soul, body heal.


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## outofchaos...comeslight (Oct 24, 2013)

ne9907 said:


> Outofchaos
> I have found that ending a long marriage is very devastating. We often go through the entire spectrum of emotions. It is normal to be afraid, to feel shame, to feel like a failure. I too felt those feelings
> You have to keep positive, find out the great qualities you possess. Keep reminding yourself that you will make it. Remind yourself that you are a strong woman, your children need you.
> Find some activities that will help you deal with this loss.
> I think marriage is a loss, and as such, we need to grieve and let our mind, heart, soul, body heal.


Thank you so much for your encouragement. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind. My children are all boys 16, 14, & 9. All but the youngest are trying to push back on my authority. I know they are hurting too. I'm just tired of this situation always being on my mind. I envy those who have been able to just continue on. Everyday is a struggle for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

As a person in the process of getting a D after 18 years of marriage and with kids I totally get it. During these times we experience a wide range of emotions from anger to disrepair. These are a part of the process and natural so don't prevent yourself from experiencing them because each step is necessary to fully heal and move forward. 

I created a list of wants and don't wants and a list of things I know about myself good and even bad. I look at that list and it keeps things in perspective when I feel really low. I know I want to be happy and I deserve to be. I know too that I have to make that happen for my sake and the sake of my kids. I know I need to let go of what I can't control and focus on the things I can.

Do you have a blog where you can write things down daily, even several times a day? I've found a combination of help from here, therapy, blogging, friends and self reflection/improvement have been a huge help to me.

Wishing you all the best and keep posting here if it helps you.


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## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

Out of chaos, I feel your pain. Mine was a 17 year marriage with 3 kids. The end came out of the blue and my world exploded. I suffered tremendously and for a long time. My mother passed away less than 6 months before the end of my marriage so it was a double whammy.

But take a look at some of my posts. I got through it. I'm happy. I still have my moments when I miss him and want to be with him but they are not as profound and they go away quickly. 

It's so important to treat yourself kindly, be gentle, treat yourself. Have you tried counselling? If you can't afford it, try self-help books. Every day, hour, minute, second that you get through is that much closer to healing. Do you have supportive friends? Lean on them. Keep reminding yourself how special you are and focus on what you are good at. Are there any groups/programs for the kids at school to help them deal with this? It's important to keep communicating with them. Emphasize that there was nothing they did to cause the end of the marriage. Show your love to them every day. 

There is an end to the pain in sight. I wasn't able to go to weddings for a while but now I'm thinking that I could get married again. I used to HATE happy couples. I wanted to kill them. But now I enjoy their happiness. Because I know that I deserve that too and I will find it. You will too!!!!

And keep posting. I want to hear how you are doing. Even if it means you post 20 times a day, that's what TAM is for!


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Someone, I think it was Chaparral (another member), wrote this mantra for me to try

I deserve good things.

Try it out, it has helped me. Read other people's threads, keep posting.

Also, maybe your children need counseling, this is also a devastating event for them.


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