# Got Hope?



## pairofduces (Dec 28, 2008)

I want to preface this by saying that for almost two years I have been out of work. I have been applying to every position that is even close to what I can do. For the first year of me being out of work my severance helped us make ends meet. Let's just say that no matter what I try I have been unable to get past the first round of interviews - if it even gets that far. My unemployment is at the core of my marital problems and there is little I can do about it. 

At the end of last year, out of nowhere, my wife asked me for a divorce. I say out of nowhere because I thought we were working to improve our marriage. You will see a pattern in a moment....

So she asked me for a divorce and I said NO. She became very upset and we entered three weeks of hell. At the end of the third week my wife went away on business and upon her return said that she did not want to be without me and she was sorry. I was thrilled but I told her that unless we both work on our marriage and that she does something to help herself this would inevitably happen again. I'm pretty sure she agreed although I was so depressed at the time I can't remember.

The first month was the hardest as I tried to find my way back to her and she seemed different. Eventually things got back to "normal" which, should have been a red flag to me but I was just happy to have my wife back.

As this year progressed it seemed as though we hit our stride and while not bliss like it was several years ago it appeared as though she was happier. We where making time for each other and having fun as a family again (We have a toddler). 

Well at the end of August, after a great weekend, she accused me of cheating and stealing from her and asked me for a divorce again. I was not and never would cheat on my wife. I made the mistake of allowing a female friend into our home without telling her first. But we where never alone as our child, and her nanny, where there the whole time. This female friend I've known since before we where married and we have always been nothing more than friends. I had taken out money to buy her an anniversary gift and refused to tell her where the money went so it would be a surprise. She refuses to believe me and says we don't have trust. But what I did I've been doing since we met. She never before said she had a problem or asked me to stop.

This time I made the tactical mistake of saying "ok" thinking she would wake up in the morning calm and ready to talk. Boy was I wrong. She left for work in the morning and, as I found out later, saw a layer and filed for divorce. She than called my dad to tell him what was going on. By the time I got home that afternoon she was home steaming and we had a big fight. She then told me if I didn't leave the house she would take our child and leave. Not wanting to put my child through this I left.

She told me that she wanted to get separate residences but we would have joint custody of our child. When I was finally served with the papers it said that she would have physical custody of our child.

Now I'm not suggesting her next actions where out of the ordinary in a divorce situation but just the same I was caught by surprise and felt betrayed (as if the divorce thing was not enough). She opened up a separate checking account and started to "fund" it. She started to disparage me to her friends and family.

Now I've been back in the house for awhile now and it is civil but she is making a big effort of hating me and trying to destroy everything we built together. I can't help but think that if she used even one tenth of the energy she is using now to destroy our family at trying to solve our problems we would have bliss.

She tries her hardest to avoid me. If she catches herself enjoying my company she immediately turns on the hate. It's like she is afraid that if we actually took the time to talk and be together she would loose her ground and change her mind.

I realize that I can't stop her from divorcing me but I love her intensely. Even after everything she has said and done I want to make things work. I would do almost anything to keep our family together. I offered to let her read my emails, track me using google latitude, give me allowance instead of using my ATM card, go to counseling, and if none of that was acceptable, try a separation instead. She wasn't interested. Yeah, I know that's the answer but I must have hope.

Does anyone (women) have a similar situation and is there anything you can think of to try to make things better? If I had a job would things improve? Or is this a lost cause because all the feelings she has built up resulting from that are too deep? Will it only cause me more hurt if I wait too long to cut the cord emotionally?

Please help.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I suspect she has an undiagnosed condition like bipolar. Have you asked her to see someone? Don't tell her you think she's crazy, but her behavior is odd to say the least.

And yes, if you had a job things would be better.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Depression can take a tremendous toll on the partner that _isn't_ depressed.
If you have been unemployed for two years, and rightly, or wrongly, she doesn't think you have been proactive enough in changing your circumstances for yourself, and your family - then her wanting to bail on the marriage makes perfect sense to me. 

I can't shake the sense that we don't have the whole story.


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## pairofduces (Dec 28, 2008)

Naturally you don't have the full story. I didn't feel like writing a novel. What I wrote was long enough. Absolutely she is frustrated by my unemployment and feels like I'm not doing enough. I wrote that in the first paragraph.

Marriage is a series of good and bad times. We vowed to each other to stay with each other till we die. I don't think that means that she or I should have to endure abuse, cheating or other horrible things. I just don't believe that someone should get going once the going gets tough. It means those vows (and pretty much everything else that person said) a lie. If we had decided to just keep dating (endlessly) and not gotten married than I would not be as confused by her actions. But we got married.


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