# We're almost torn apart



## Niven81 (Nov 17, 2011)

First of all thanks to everyone for this place as I was starting to believe my fiancee and I were the only ones with issues. 

We've known each other for 8 years and have been romantically involved for two. Last September after I was diagnosed with testicular cancer (I got better) I asked her to marry me and a month later she was pregnant. Shot ahead to March of this year when I moved in with her (she had a house and a better paying job so it made more sense for me to pick up and move). We both have debt, college loans, cars, etc. and I thought the best move would be for us to stay independent for the first 3 months I lived there and to try and pay off or pay up some of my bills so I can be more free to help. . .I was insanely wrong.

I never forsaw the impact I would have money-wise on her life in terms of utility bills, food, etc., not to mention the baby appointments with the OB. After the second month she approached me about it but I didn't waver from my plan because I had it stuck in my head that my plan WOULD work. It never did and a week after the baby was born I lost my 35k job, and now only work part-time and take care of the baby and the house.

She now works 5-7 days a week 12 hour days at her job to recoup the money lost in those three months, and she won't let me help. She says that since I wanted us to be separate than we are separate. I've tried to find ways to help, cooking, cleaning, getting what food and supplies I can with my part-time pay but nothing helps, she is miserable all the time. I know that the root is my fault but I can't help to start feeling resentful toward her for being miserable when I'm wanting to fix my mistake, wanting to trying and make my wrong right.

Last night it came to a head. I was making dinner and she came in and asked me what I was doing. I told her. She freaked out, said she wanted to cook dinner and proceed to spend an hour telling me that I've "stolen her life".

I love her, I do. . . But I'm at the end of my rope.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I don`t know what you mean by the two of you being "seperate" and "Independent"

could you clarify that?


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## Niven81 (Nov 17, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I don`t know what you mean by the two of you being "seperate" and "Independent"
> 
> could you clarify that?


Financially separate. Basically she will not allow me to offer up any money I have or make to help the family as a whole because I was not willing to do so in the beginning.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

So to clarify, you are not married to this woman, correct? 

It seems very strange to me that you would have "an effect" on her utility bills. Utility bills are rarely affected by having an additional person in the house. Instead, splitting them between two people is usually a great deal. The refrigerator, the heat or AC, etc is all running the same amount - what have you been doing to drive up utility costs? That makes very little sense to me.

As for food - you have the time, why don't you take advantage of it to use coupons, comparison shopping, buying in bulk, stockpiling sale items, etc and cooking very very inexpensive meals. And you can use your money for that. She can't stop you from using your money when you're shopping. I am a frugal cook and I average around $0.80 per meal for the two of us (not including the cost of electricity). Food should not be a major expense if you have free time.

Well you live there too, so take it upon yourself to pay the utilities yourself. Can you sell any of the cars and put that money toward expenses? I'm not saying to be without a car, but if you now have, say, three cars, sell one, and use that money to help out. 

But bottom line, you're not married yet, so you must SOLVE this problem COMPLETELY before you marry her, IF you marry her. It sounds like she resents you and is playing a form of "silent treatment" type game with you where she ignores you and your contributions in an effort to punish you. I think you should take marriage off the table until this is settled. If she thinks you've "stolen her life" she may just not be ready to get married to you - not fun to hear, but certainly important to have your eyes open to the possibility.


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## luvintokyo (May 10, 2010)

I always find some of the responses here rather immature especially given that most of the time you are only hearing one part of the story. The other party is being villified already as "trying to punish" him when no one knows the agony she has gone through in the last 3months pregnant and living with a guy that wants to marry her BUT CHOSE TO BE SEPERATE. I hopeit works out for you two but the truth is she opened up her home, accepted him into her life, she is having his baby and the guy wanted to STILL BE SEPERATE. She also reserves the option not to be married.


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## Patricia B. Pina (Nov 22, 2011)

Do it anyway.
It is not just her family, it is your family too.


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