# Husband weird relationship with sister



## BCGirl (Feb 23, 2021)

My husband has always had a close relationship with his sister (they are exactly one year apart in age, she’s older). They talk on the phone or video chat often times more than once a day, with the exception of Sundays when her husband is home. A few months ago they decided to start a business together that I wanted no part of because I believe it will/would fail. He still went along with it, and I recently started noticing suspicious activity.
He opened a new bank account or possibly two...he got defensive and lied when I casually asked where he opened an account. He received two envelopes the following day with debit cards. Not from the bank he said he opened an account with. When I asked why he got two separate cards he said he didn’t know why they sent two cards for the same account. I suspect he got one account for himself, one joint account with his sister. 
A few days later while he was at the business with his sister, he called and asked me to send him a breakdown of our monthly expenses and all our bill login and passwords. Their agreement was she was going to pay him like an employee until they started making a profit, then he’d become part owner since she made all the investments. So she needed a total amount for our monthly expenses to pay him that amount. Before all this he had also said “he” would be taking over all the bill pay and I didn’t have to worry about anything anymore, and my money was just spending money for myself or our kids. I made myself very clear and told him I did not want his sister involved in any of our bills. He said she wasn’t paying anything, she just needed a total to determine his pay.
Fast forward a few weeks later, I noticed our cellphone bill hadn’t been paid. I texted him to let him know it was due. After a few minutes he sends me a picture with a payment confirmation from a laptop screen. There is no laptop at the business. So I call him immediately to ask if his sister just paid that bill, he laughed it off at first, then got angry and basically said I was being ungrateful cause he was taking care of all the bills now, and I was trying to tell him how to do it. He then said his sister had taken a laptop there for accounting purposes. Which, if that were the case, why didn’t he say that from the get go without being defensive. I then called her, and asked her if she had paid that bill. She denied it, said the same story about taking a laptop there. So I proceed to check the cell phone records. The minute he got my reminder text to pay the bill, he texted her. She then texted back, I’m sure with the picture that she had paid the bill. The records also showed After he hung up on me after confronting him, he called her. I drove to the business to confirm this laptop was there, of course it wasn’t there. He got angry and said I was being a psycho. I left there and his sister calls asking what was going on. I told her there was no laptop there, she then added on ANOTHER lie saying it’s not in the main building it’s in the back shed cause she didn’t have anywhere to set it up in the main building. For one, I doubt the wifi reaches that far and two, knowing my husband he would not go back there to turn on a laptop to pay a bill when he can do it easily on his phone, and 3, why when I showed up did he not prove me wrong and show me this laptop? Cause it does not exist. Needless to say, we are separated at the moment. He blames me for the separation and still completely denies his sister paid that bill. She was helping us with baby sitting and he is so upset that she refuses to come babysit for us now because she “doesn’t feel comfortable” coming to our house. My response: but she felt comfortable being in our business? He said I let my ego get in the way and broke up our family over it, while he is just trying to make a good living for “us”. Ultimately I told him I didn’t need a sister wife. I just need confirmation that I am not wrong...I am not the crazy one right?!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I honestly don't know. Your story is focused on the whereabouts of a lap top and who is paying the bills. There's a lot more to the story than what you're reporting.

Do you think your husband and his sister and having some sort of weird affair? Do you think they are trying to embezzle? Does your SIL stick her nose into your personal business in more ways than this? There's a lot of suspicion on your part, but I get the feeling it's about a lot more than just this particular situation.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

Yeah, the focus on the laptop is... odd.

There's obvious a lot more to be concerned about here, but I feel like by focusing on the laptop to the extent you did, you made yourself look ridiculous and united them against you.

I would talk to the sister (it seems like your husband is kinda caught in the middle between two bossy women... poor sap), and figure out why she needs to be in your business like that.

Your husband should be able to say "Our household expenses are $XYZ/month... pay me that" without her needing access to see all your expenses every month, AND have passwords to see what you're spending on going forward.

He should have discussed this with you beforehand, and so should his sister, but it sounds like all of you are lacking in the "communication skills" department.

Focus on what your concerns are, and how to address those with them. And acknowledge you crossed the line about the laptop, and explain you were just frustrated by the overall lack of transparency here.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

I am in the there has to be more to the story camp. 

Your husband has a very close relationship to his sister.
They started a business together but he is really her employee.
She is paying him enough to cover your basic monthly bills.
She may or may not have directly paid a bill of yours.

There needs to be simple and full financial transparency in a marriage. I see that as the issue which is easily addressed, If he has an account in his name you should know the bank and account numbers and have access to the statements. Not because you need to check up on him but because you're married and regardless of whether or not your name is on the account the money in there is yours as well. 

But there has to be more to the story because separating over the logistics of paying a cell phone bill is a weird thing to separate over.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

I think the laptop has to do with the fact that she knows he is lying to her about his Sister’s involvement. She’s made it clear that she doesn’t want his sister involved in the financial aspects of their marriage. And honestly, I think that is pretty reasonable. 
OP, I think you need to decide what you are going to do about this. Although it sounds like you have decided. He betrayed your trust and he is letting a third party into your marriage.


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## BCGirl (Feb 23, 2021)

TomNebraska said:


> Yeah, the focus on the laptop is... odd.
> 
> There's obvious a lot more to be concerned about here, but I feel like by focusing on the laptop to the extent you did, you made yourself look ridiculous and united them against you.
> 
> ...


The focus on the laptop was that they were both caught in a lie, and instead of being upfront about it they tried to cover up with one lie after the other on both their ends. So I was basically trying to prove to both of them I wasn’t as stupid as they obviously both think I am and easily confirmed they were both lying when I showed up to see it. I was very clear from the get go she was not to be involved in any of our bills at home and she knew this as well. I tried talking to her to get the truth out of one of them but neither one is being transparent. Which is where my frustration comes from because seems like they are up to something and I have no idea what that is. They might have a joint account together, since seems like he opened two accounts, she might be paying all our bills and not even actually paying him? Who knows. I would never hide anything about our finances from my husband, and if he ever asked about something I would give him an honest answer, not lie and lie some more to try to cover up that lie. It’s just odd behavior all the way around.


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## BCGirl (Feb 23, 2021)

BlueWoman said:


> I think the laptop has to do with the fact that she knows he is lying to her about his Sister’s involvement. She’s made it clear that she doesn’t want his sister involved in the financial aspects of their marriage. And honestly, I think that is pretty reasonable.
> OP, I think you need to decide what you are going to do about this. Although it sounds like you have decided. He betrayed your trust and he is letting a third party into your marriage.


This is exactly it! I told him I didn’t need a sister-wife (literally). I don’t see the reasoning behind it. I also just checked our electric bill and it’s clear she set up the auto-pay on that too by the wording on the account name. Not something he would have chose. So she is VERY involved in the payments of our bills. It definitely is betrayal, I feel like this is equivalent or worse then cheating. His sister will always be in the picture, and I can’t fight for my place in this marriage if she is always going to come first.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Was your husband unemployed when they cooked up this business deal?


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## BCGirl (Feb 23, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Was your husband unemployed when they cooked up this business deal?


He was not, he was running a restaurant and a catering business which went downhill with the pandemic so he had been out of work for a few months.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

RebuildingMe said:


> You got separated from your husband because you think your SIL paid your cell phone bill? While I agree that honest financial disclosure needs to be paramount in a marriage, your behavior does come off a bit crazy and accusatory.


It seems to me the issue she has is that she is in the dark as far as what the actual arrangement is. Is the setup that she is paying their bills instead of cutting him a paycheck? Is he paying the bills out of a joint business account? She seems to be concerned more about them purposefully keeping her in the dark than the cell phone bill. The concern on their end might be the sister doesn't want the OP involved in the business and if the clue her in to the financial arrangement of the business the sister fears having to deal with her in explaining the business finances. There needs to be a basic all cards on the table meeting to sort it all out and get everyone on the same page. Full disclosure will remove the anxiety the OP is feeling, or make it worse depending on what is disclosed.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I'd be out.

Seriously, I'd stand for absolutely no one being involved in my personal/marital finances except me partner and myself. It's crazy what's going on.


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## BCGirl (Feb 23, 2021)

RebuildingMe said:


> You got separated from your husband because you think your SIL paid your cell phone bill? While I agree that honest financial disclosure needs to be paramount in a marriage, your behavior does come off a bit crazy and accusatory.


Not necessarily cause she paid it, but because they were both aware I did not want her involved in our finances. The fact that she has access and knows a lot more than i do about his bank/financial information is a big reason why. We have two kids, if something were to happen to him tomorrow, I shouldn’t have to go through his sister to find out the Who what when and where’s about his finances. As his wife and mother of his kids, shouldn’t I be the one to know all that information?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

BCGirl said:


> A few months ago they decided to start a business together that I wanted no part of because I believe it will/would fail.


This set the tone from the start. I would expect my wife to support me.

As for your other concerns, yes, absolutely you should know about the family's finances, more so than your SIL. As far as the business finances, it's tricky because you kind of gave up that right when you bailed out on him/the business right from the jump.


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## BCGirl (Feb 23, 2021)

RebuildingMe said:


> This set the tone from the start. I would expect my wife to support me.
> 
> As for your other concerns, yes, absolutely you should know about the family's finances, more so than your SIL. As far as the business finances, it's tricky because you kind of gave up that right when you bailed out on him/the business right from the jump.


I definitely don’t care to know about their business finances, but when it comes to my household I shouldn’t be left in the dark. Just as I wanted no part in the business, his sister should have no part in my household.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

She wants to treat your husband as an employee but doesn't want to bother with paying social security and so forth. The IRS would love her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BCGirl said:


> I definitely don’t care to know about their business finances, but when it comes to my household I shouldn’t be left in the dark. Just as I wanted no part in the business, his sister should have no part in my household.


You need to care about some aspects of the business and the finances. This info absolutely affects your personal finances, your tax obligations, etc.

What is the structure of the business? Is it a sole proprietorship, partnership, LLC, S Corp, C Corp? Have you seen any formation documents? Is your husband named in the documents?

You say that your husband opened one or two bank accounts. How did you find out about these? Whose name(s) are on the accounts? What's the source of the funds in these accounts? Are one or both business accounts? This could impact you directly because you are married to him. If they are business accounts, but she owns the business, then he's setting himself up for being legally responsible to pay taxes for the business yet has no ownership rights. 

Did he, or both of them, take out loans that he's responsible for? You need to pull his credit report and see what's on there.

If your SIL is paying your bills, that's not her paying him as an employee. Is she paying him out of her own personal funds or out of the business? If it's out of the business it has to be a paycheck or a loan.

Look, this situation with your SIL is not ideal and seem problematic. However, your husband, like so many people today was had his business wiped out by COVID lockdowns. He's trying to contribute financially to the household. This shows character on his part. It seems that the only way he could do this was to get into this business situation with his sister. Your response to his trying to contribute is to declare that the business is going to doomed to fail and so you want nothing to do with it.

You need to be supportive of him and know what's going on with your personal finances.

Your sister-in-law (SIL) is trying to help out. While it's wrong that she's somehow involved in your finances, they are both trying to meet a need here.

Don't let this nonsense ruin your marriage. What I suggest it that you make a list of what you want. Don't be accusatory about it. Then sit down with your husband and talk. Support him in this business even if it eventually fails. The point here is that you need to know about your personal finances and be involved in them. And you need to make sure that the business finances are not mingled with your personal finances. Deal directly with your husband. This is between you and him. You need to know what your bills are, how they are paid, how he's being paid, etc. You need access to all accounts that his name is on and all your bill accounts. And you need to see monthly what's coming in and going out.

Both of you have been wrong to some extent. So sit down with him and work this out if at all possible.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BCGirl said:


> I definitely don’t care to know about their business finances, but when it comes to my household I shouldn’t be left in the dark. Just as I wanted no part in the business, his sister should have no part in my household.


It's ok that you don't want to be a part of this business and don't want to details. However, you need to know if the business is set up in a pay to that impacts you. 

And you need info on this two bank accounts and if he signed on any loans.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

It all sounds strange to me. Is it possible your husband is hiding income or debt with his sister's involvement? If he has plans to divorce you that would be a reason to channel all his financies thru his sister and keep you in the dark. The "business" could be a shell used to manipulate money.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

BCGirl said:


> I definitely don’t care to know about their business finances, but when it comes to my household I shouldn’t be left in the dark. Just as I wanted no part in the business, his sister should have no part in my household.


Just sit down with the two of them and go over everything. What is the deal with the bank accounts, what is he being paid and how is he being paid. What is the general agreement between the two. Basic stuff like that so you feel comfortable about what is going on. I have a few different businesses, I sit down with my wife about once a month to discuss the businesses whats happening how much money am I anticipating coming in what we plan to do with that money etc. It's not like we discuss marketing plans or day to day operations but I just give her a nice overview. My wife is a planner and we have a plan to retire when I'm 49 and she's 50 so she likes to see that we are on track with the plan. I think you can hash out a reasonable and simple separation of the personal from the business. You say you don't care to know whats going on with the business but having zero clue has created a situation were you have separated. If you had a stated interest and had the answers to some basic questions and been part of the arrangement you wouldn't be in the situation you're in now.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I don't think it's a big deal for two siblings to be close and have a business together. 

The only thing I'd like to know is how the business works, where the money comes from and if everything is right with the IRS. 

I wouldn't care if my sil pays my cellphone bill. She's paying her brother's salary anyway. The important thing for me is to pay the bill and avoid late fees. 

I'm close to my siblings, I know how much they make, how much they pay for mortgage and services. If they needed money I'm sure they would ask fo it and hopefully their spouses won't care if we can help each other. 

Did you have the money to pay the bill? Are you employed?

To tell you the truth, I wouldn't be able to live with someone who's jealous and suspicious of my relationship with my siblings. 

Have you ever heard the saying, "blood is thicker than water"? That's what I'm talking about.


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## BCGirl (Feb 23, 2021)

pastasauce79 said:


> I don't think it's a big deal for two siblings to be close and have a business together.
> 
> The only thing I'd like to know is how the business works, where the money comes from and if everything is right with the IRS.
> 
> ...


I am employed and had the money to pay the bill. The only reason I didn’t pay was because he said he was going to take charge and pay everything himself. And as far as not being able to live with someone that’s “jealous or suspicious” of their sibling, I’m only suspicious, not jealous, because of all their lies. There wouldn’t be any suspicion on my part had they been transparent and not piled on lie after lie when I asked where he was banking, or who paid the bill. To each their own but I am close to my siblings and they aren’t sticking their nose in my finances or bills, nor do they care or care to know what we pay.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

BCGirl said:


> I am employed and had the money to pay the bill. The only reason I didn’t pay was because he said he was going to take charge and pay everything himself. And as far as not being able to live with someone that’s “jealous or suspicious” of their sibling, I’m only suspicious, not jealous, because of all their lies. There wouldn’t be any suspicion on my part had they been transparent and not piled on lie after lie when I asked where he was banking, or who paid the bill. To each their own but I am close to my siblings and they aren’t sticking their nose in my finances or bills, nor do they care or care to know what we pay.


The way you and your siblings get along might be completely different from the way your husband gets along with his.

If he hides things from you, why are you still married to him? 

What else has he lied about?


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## PapaGoat27 (Feb 9, 2020)

@BCGirl 
Im sorry your going through this . Reading through your post I can’t help but to think your being gaslighted by two master manipulators ! 

If that’s not the case I apologize.

they are clearly behaving in a way that is making you look like your the nut. You know something is wrong , if he doesn’t respect your marriage and you as a person , then leaving was the best thing to do.
I don’t care how close he is to his sister, your relationship comes first and should come first !


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## BCGirl (Feb 23, 2021)

PapaGoat27 said:


> @BCGirl
> Im sorry your going through this . Reading through your post I can’t help but to think your being gaslighted by two master manipulators !
> 
> If that’s not the case I apologize.
> ...


Thank you! Gaslighting is the word! He will not admit he was at fault for me being “psycho” with all their lies. I had to resort to doing my own investigating to try to get to the bottom of whatever is going on. But rather this is all “my fault” for being crazy. Ironically, he is upset that his sister will not come baby sit our kids now because she “doesn’t feel comfortable at my house”. But she did feel comfortable sticking her nose in our business when she knew I was against it. If she did nothing wrong she would have at least tried to contact me at this point to clear things up, and shouldn’t feel uncomfortable coming over to keep her routine of babysitting. A guilty conscience needs no accuser...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I don't read the post the way others seem to - OP isn't focussed on the laptop, she's concerned about the lies around it and the fact that they keep growing. And I don't blame her.

If my husband opened a bank account with anyone else I would hit the roof! If he involved outsiders in our finances and the running of our household, I would be furious.

THAT is what the OP is focussed on.

My radar went up on this as soon as she mentioned the bank accounts. I'd be very concerned about an impending divorce and that he's trying to hide his income to get out of paying child support.

There's being close with your siblings, and then there's...this.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

pastasauce79 said:


> I'm close to my siblings, I know how much they make, how much they pay for mortgage and services. If they needed money I'm sure they would ask fo it and hopefully their spouses won't care if we can help each other.
> To tell you the truth, I wouldn't be able to live with someone who's jealous and suspicious of my relationship with my siblings.


Oh dear, textbook Enmeshed Family Right Here. Spouses, you’ll never fit in here, brother and sisters come first. They never ever left home or even the family dinner table. 

I wouldn’t want to be married to YOU!

If blood is thicker than water, why marry?? 
Stay in the Brady home with mummy and daddy and you can all do everything together all the time, everything! Without those annoying people you married prying into your bills and plans and bedrooms and stuff, and how much they earn and pay and how many times per day they do this or than! Pesky jeaUh, so annoying right!! We know how much everything costs and how many calories everyone consumed and what we’re all doing this weekend - we’re all catching up!!

OP, you’re dealing with a very dysfunctional enmeshed family. Go on, google it 😉

Run away from the crazy. They won’t notice for a month or so that you’re not there 😂


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## BCGirl (Feb 23, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Oh dear, textbook Enmeshed Family Right Here. Spouses, you’ll never fit in here, brother and sisters come first. They never ever left home or even the family dinner table.
> 
> I wouldn’t want to be married to YOU!
> 
> ...


Yes!!! I was made aware of this term from a friend of mine and did my research! That’s exactly what it is, and quite disturbing actually. It’s like he’s married to her 🤮


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

BCGirl said:


> Yes!!! I was made aware of this term from a friend of mine and did my research! That’s exactly what it is, and quite disturbing actually. It’s like he’s married to her 🤮


Yes, always remember - they ask brother and sister FIRST! 🤪 And you’re just jealous right, how dare you be married to him!


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## claudiee (10 mo ago)

BCGirl said:


> My husband has always had a close relationship with his sister (they are exactly one year apart in age, she’s older). They talk on the phone or video chat often times more than once a day, with the exception of Sundays when her husband is home. A few months ago they decided to start a business together that I wanted no part of because I believe it will/would fail. He still went along with it, and I recently started noticing suspicious activity.
> He opened a new bank account or possibly two...he got defensive and lied when I casually asked where he opened an account. He received two envelopes the following day with debit cards. Not from the bank he said he opened an account with. When I asked why he got two separate cards he said he didn’t know why they sent two cards for the same account. I suspect he got one account for himself, one joint account with his sister.
> A few days later while he was at the business with his sister, he called and asked me to send him a breakdown of our monthly expenses and all our bill login and passwords. Their agreement was she was going to pay him like an employee until they started making a profit, then he’d become part owner since she made all the investments. So she needed a total amount for our monthly expenses to pay him that amount. Before all this he had also said “he” would be taking over all the bill pay and I didn’t have to worry about anything anymore, and my money was just spending money for myself or our kids. I made myself very clear and told him I did not want his sister involved in any of our bills. He said she wasn’t paying anything, she just needed a total to determine his pay.
> Fast forward a few weeks later, I noticed our cellphone bill hadn’t been paid. I texted him to let him know it was due. After a few minutes he sends me a picture with a payment confirmation from a laptop screen. There is no laptop at the business. So I call him immediately to ask if his sister just paid that bill, he laughed it off at first, then got angry and basically said I was being ungrateful cause he was taking care of all the bills now, and I was trying to tell him how to do it. He then said his sister had taken a laptop there for accounting purposes. Which, if that were the case, why didn’t he say that from the get go without being defensive. I then called her, and asked her if she had paid that bill. She denied it, said the same story about taking a laptop there. So I proceed to check the cell phone records. The minute he got my reminder text to pay the bill, he texted her. She then texted back, I’m sure with the picture that she had paid the bill. The records also showed After he hung up on me after confronting him, he called her. I drove to the business to confirm this laptop was there, of course it wasn’t there. He got angry and said I was being a psycho. I left there and his sister calls asking what was going on. I told her there was no laptop there, she then added on ANOTHER lie saying it’s not in the main building it’s in the back shed cause she didn’t have anywhere to set it up in the main building. For one, I doubt the wifi reaches that far and two, knowing my husband he would not go back there to turn on a laptop to pay a bill when he can do it easily on his phone, and 3, why when I showed up did he not prove me wrong and show me this laptop? Cause it does not exist. Needless to say, we are separated at the moment. He blames me for the separation and still completely denies his sister paid that bill. She was helping us with baby sitting and he is so upset that she refuses to come babysit for us now because she “doesn’t feel comfortable” coming to our house. My response: but she felt comfortable being in our business? He said I let my ego get in the way and broke up our family over it, while he is just trying to make a good living for “us”. Ultimately I told him I didn’t need a sister wife. I just need confirmation that I am not wrong...I am not the crazy one right?!


You’re not crazy! Good for you. Boundaries are being crossed and especially if they’re lying together, I’d leave the situation.


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