# How to survive kids 16-24yrs old



## 66impala

Been married 24yrs to my highschool sweetheart and have had our ups and downs like anyone else, but nothing to drastic. 

Hardest problem were having as a couple is handling out three kids 16, 18, 23yrs old. 23yr old in and out of college and now just dropped out and refuses to contribute to bills coming in. Biggest problem now is 18yr old son, senior in high school, just is a major problem all around, I just hope he finishes high school at this point. Wife and I arent on the same page as far as discipline goes, im the bad guy all the time, I resent my wife for not having my back and ive told here the same. 

How did you long timers get over this rut of young adult kids causing a rift in the family. How can I handle discipline kids and still still keep my marriage together.


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## Hope1964

I pretty much quit 'disciplining' my kids when they reached 16. They should have the tools they need by that point to be contributing household members. If they refuse to contribute, then there should be consequences, but the same consequences you'd give an adult, not a child. 

The arrangement I had with my kids was one year rent free after high school, and during any post-secondary education. If your oldest isn't in school, he/she should have a job. Do they?

Hopefully your 18 year old does finish school, but if not it isn't the end of the world. I dropped out at 16 and a decade later had a bachelors degree. I just wanted to do it MY way 

As for not having each others backs, I hear you on that. But it's important this not be demonstrated in front of them. Maybe a little give and take on each part is in order? It's hard to say without more details.


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## DoF

66impala said:


> Been married 24yrs to my highschool sweetheart and have had our ups and downs like anyone else, but nothing to drastic.
> 
> Hardest problem were having as a couple is handling out three kids 16, 18, 23yrs old.


I can relate to that hehe



66impala said:


> 23yr old in and out of college and now just dropped out and refuses to contribute to bills coming in.


I believe in tough love. If he doesn't contribute financially, he needs to contribute in some other form (cleaning, cooking, projects, etc).

If not, kick his ass out!!! if you don't, you will be a door mat. And yes I know that will hurt but that's what has to be done.

Also, take away ALL the goodies (internet/TV or whatever else he has.....even if it means electricity or food). Little hunger won't kill him and will go a LONG way to teach him a lesson.






66impala said:


> Biggest problem now is 18yr old son, senior in high school, just is a major problem all around, I just hope he finishes high school at this point. Wife and I arent on the same page as far as discipline goes, im the bad guy all the time, I resent my wife for not having my back and ive told here the same.


Fix this RIGHT AWAY. Without you and your wife being on the same page, do not even proceed forward, it's worthless.



66impala said:


> How did you long timers get over this rut of young adult kids causing a rift in the family. How can I handle discipline kids and still still keep my marriage together.


Extreme situation call for extreme measures. Get your wife on the same page.

As for kids, start taking away every little thing they have......TV, phone, bed.........car....give them little food or skip meals......

TOUGH LOVE!!!!


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## 45188

My dad resented my mom for not having his back when he wanted to punish us. But she was wiser. His punishments didn't work, they just made us resent him. They were punishments out of anger, not punishments to show discipline. He wanted harsh punishments, was sometimes verbally abusive (generally all around good guy) the worst punishment was when we felt we were letting our parents down. We respected them. My mom found out my brother was smoking pot, and she got silent and just went to her room and cried. My dad started flipping saying he'd never get a job. Moms reaction had more of an effect.

We respected them, because they respected us. They talked about their problems in front of us, financial anyway. They showed their weaknesses. They asked our opinions sometimes on little things (Cars, hair cuts. To this day I still choose my moms haircuts). Confided in us. Nothing like sex, hell no, creepy. Sometimes, they'd even borrow a buck or two. They were my friends, and my parents. And it worked. Sometimes, it's good to be both. 

Sometimes, parents clutch too hard, and it makes us rebel even harder. Our parents didn't have strict rules, but what stuck was you treat others, how you want to be treated. You respect them, and they respect you. If they don't, they don't deserve your respect. If they don't have your respect, then all you have is fear and intimidation.

For your 23 year old, you should sit down in front of your wife and talk about your financial issues too, even if there aren't any. Make some up. When my parents did that in front of me, and they seemed stressed, I went out, got a job as a waitress, and I contributed. When I couldn't do that, I cleaned.


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## Chuck71

always have a united front...critical. the dad is always supposed to be the bad guy, mom may come behind him and "kiss the pain away" but have her Hs back. kids know all too well how to divide and conquer. 

too many outside forces desperately try to unhinge a family. the media, tv, net, stores promote this outlandish behavior. 

like in the days of long ago, the kids did chores around the house, helped on the farm. it instills a good work ethic. my pop was the hardest person in the world to impress or work with...but after I started working for others after high school, it was the easiest thing I ever did. I don't exactly agree how pop did his things in raising me but....in the end, he got results. I have to respect him for that


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## Duguesclin

The reason they stay is because they feel comfortable! I do not know if any of those actions are possible but try the following:
Cut off the internet (I know it sucks because you can't go on TAM but it might be worth it)
Cut off cable
Talk to them, not yell at them, but just talk to them. Be relentless.
Keep the fridge empty and just fill it with stuff they do not like.
Keep the house with no heat or air conditioning.
Just wash your clothes, not theirs.

Just a few ideas !


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## Anon Pink

66impala said:


> Been married 24yrs to my highschool sweetheart and have had our ups and downs like anyone else, but nothing to drastic.
> 
> Hardest problem were having as a couple is handling out three kids 16, 18, 23yrs old. 23yr old in and out of college and now just dropped out and refuses to contribute to bills coming in. Biggest problem now is 18yr old son, senior in high school, just is a major problem all around, I just hope he finishes high school at this point. Wife and I arent on the same page as far as discipline goes, im the bad guy all the time, I resent my wife for not having my back and ive told here the same.
> 
> How did you long timers get over this rut of young adult kids causing a rift in the family. How can I handle discipline kids and still still keep my marriage together.


How does your 23 year old get around town? Who pays for the car, the gas, the insurance, the cell? If it's you, knock it off? Just stop paying.

Same for your 18 year old and your 16 year old. No job, no gas. At 18 no job, no gas and no insurance either.

Good lord somebody has to be the adult in your home and say NO!

And if your wife is doing their laundry still, your wife is the problem. 

I recommend selling the house and moving to a retirement community. My youngest is 14 my oldest is 27. The oldest went away to college and never really moved back. The middle went away to college, came back for 3 years and will be moving out this summer YEAH! We tease our youngest that as soon as she is 18 Mom and Dad are moving to a retirement community so she better have plans in place! Only half teasing...we'll give her through college before we move!


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## unbelievable

You have one kid and two adults. The law requires you to feed and provide shelter to the 16 year old. The law doesn't require you to make life pleasurable for a 16 year old or that you take crap from one. The other two exist in your residence only at your pleasure. My plan always was that younguns too independent and mature to obey my rules were old enough to support themselves. When their name is on the mailbox and they pay all the bills, we'll do things their way. Until that day, it's my way or the highway. The 23 year old who refuses to help pay bills gets bounced out of the house and he can pay all his expenses. I suggest he see his nearest Army recruiter if he wants free room and board. I've raised three. My youngest is 22, my oldest is 35. I don't argue with kids, don't debate with them, don't fight with them.


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## unbelievable

Honestly, if I hadn't urged my son out the door, he would still be on my couch, eating my groceries at 35. Around 22, when it was clear that was his ambition, I showed him the door. He now owns his own business, owns his own home, is married, and is very proud of all he has accomplished..on his own. Cutting him off was the most loving thing a parent could have done for him. Continuing to reward his sloth and lack of motivation would have been the cruelest. Money is only a small part of what we derive from work. Pride and sense of achievement are also important. Had I continued to support him, I would have robbed him of the chance to be a free adult.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

You need to have some kind of personal crises as parents (not together, but separately, and close together in time) to show your kids that you are unreliable and frail as humans, and that if they stick around longer than they should, they might get stuck taking care of you. 

Well, maybe not all that. But if you have always made a habit of never showing your vulnerabilities, your kids may perceive you as overly reliable, also they may feel insecure by comparison, and not ready to leave the nest, even though they are. 

You need to 1) demonstrate that you are not the be-all end-all when it comes to those 'kids' getting their three squares and roof over their heads and 2) that the kids are capable, maybe even more capable than mom and dad. 

You also need to do some turf defending. Have friends over and tell your kids you are using your own home for the night, the kitchen will be closed, the tv will be off limits, etc. They can stay in their rooms and study or go out to go to work or whatever. Give them brown bag dinners. This gets them used to the concept of the house being yours. You pay for it. The eldest is a guest, the other two, well, they need to start getting the idea that it's not a hotel and they are not the guests. 

I guess it's harder when you own. When you rent, you can just move to a much smaller place when one goes to college. You have some extra money then to help them out from time to time, when they truly need it. And you can move a bit away from them, if they haven't moved too far away from you.

It really depends how badly you want them to be independent. Sometimes it boils down to some subconscious desire to keep them around, because you really aren't prepared to have any kind of different life without them.


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## soulseer

I have a 15year old boy. Not as far down the road as OP yet. Good tips here for down the road in the future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## murphy5

if you can keep them out of jail until they are 24...you have done yeoman's work, my friend!


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## Ikaika

66impala said:


> Been married 24yrs to my highschool sweetheart and have had our ups and downs like anyone else, but nothing to drastic.
> 
> 
> 
> Hardest problem were having as a couple is handling out three kids 16, 18, 23yrs old. 23yr old in and out of college and now just dropped out and refuses to contribute to bills coming in. Biggest problem now is 18yr old son, senior in high school, just is a major problem all around, I just hope he finishes high school at this point. *Wife and I arent on the same page *as far as discipline goes, im the bad guy all the time, I resent my wife for not having my back and ive told here the same.
> 
> 
> 
> How did you long timers get over this rut of young adult kids causing a rift in the family. How can I handle discipline kids and still still keep my marriage together.



Deleted response, dated thread.


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## mpgunner

For whoever, don't coddle little kids. Love them but make sure they understand their boundaries. As they get older they need to step out and you need to support them. Big rule is to make sure you respect them and they respect each other. Don't let fighting get out of hand or mean.

My kids (now 27, 25, 24, 18) love each other, us and Jesus. We have a blast together.

Note: We adopted our 18 year old and had to modify our routines but that was good for us.


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## SimplyAmorous

I have found raising teens to the the most rewarding part of parenting.. it's my favorite stage ... I know this is not generally what you hear parents say !

We haven't had any trouble with any of our oldest 3 so far...ages (23..then 17 & 16)... other than I was  at oldest for paying his rent a year in advance to Landlord - being in charge & not jumping on his roommates for their share when they were falling behind feeling he would get stuck paying for them...(but it all worked out)...I told him he was a landlord's dream.

Never had to fight with them about grades, who they hung with..never been in trouble..they are not ones to ask for money... I've been very lenient with our sons because they have shown themselves responsible and trustworthy.

With us...we've just always been VERY OPEN and forthcoming with our children about LIFE, proper boundaries, being responsible... keeping their word... how you treat other people...respecting others property , if you damage something you replace it/ pay for it.....standing up for what you believe in, not falling for peer pressure to fit in.....and if they screw up, they WILL PAY THE CONSEQUENCES... (a little tough love)...don't come crying to Mom & dad, cause we don't deal that way...sympathy is for the innocent, not those who are intentional Law breakers.. They know we'd let them sit in jail IF they did something that deserved getting them there. 

We'd talk about scenarios or discuss things that happened to other people & get their take on it, always with the idea they are learning from these exchanges....as we go along....we've been very "approachable" parents...

Also teaching them the value of a $1.. not to waste $$...this will greatly cut their level of stress in life...and afford them their dreams...saving for something you really want is good..(a little delayed gratification) .... 

Me and husband has always been on the same page in discipline....so there was no kid trying to get more out of one of us over another... or pitting us against each other..


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## over20

66impala said:


> Been married 24yrs to my highschool sweetheart and have had our ups and downs like anyone else, but nothing to drastic.
> 
> Hardest problem were having as a couple is handling out three kids 16, 18, 23yrs old. 23yr old in and out of college and now just dropped out and refuses to contribute to bills coming in. Biggest problem now is 18yr old son, senior in high school, just is a major problem all around, I just hope he finishes high school at this point. Wife and I arent on the same page as far as discipline goes, im the bad guy all the time, I resent my wife for not having my back and ive told here the same.
> 
> How did you long timers get over this rut of young adult kids causing a rift in the family. How can I handle discipline kids and still still keep my marriage together.




Couples HAVE to be united when raising children. Even when you are united, the kids will try to pin one parent against another. This is a serious issue, I don't want to be mean, but your wife might be the root of the problem. She needs to change or it might get worse.

BTW we are high school sweethearts as well and have been married almost 22 yrs. We are 44 and 43, our oldest is 21 and she is out of the house on her own. Next, our son in 19, daughter 16 and daughter 13. I DO respect my husband and lift him up in our home, he is the leader. 

Teens and young adults can be a lot of fun. You can start to see the fruit of your labor as they get older and make the right decisions in life....

Does your wife in any way see an error in her ways?:scratchhead:


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## Bobby5000

Do tell the kids you love them. Having raised 3 those ages, that is the most important thing. I think if you do that, perhaps your wife can understand the importance of some discipline. As to the 23 year old, it can be difficult to get them to contribute but you can limit the money you are giving him for social activities.


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## Yeswecan

My wife are of the same mind and that helps. Our kids are 16 and 19. Both attend school. The rules are as long as you are productively attending school working towards a degree and life they are more than welcome to stay. We are not a flop house were anything goes. Our 19 year old is in college and working. Very productive. However, at her age she likes to stay out later. My W worries. They butt heads about it from time to time. At the end of the day our D lives under our roof and the very limited rules that are imposed on her. Our 16 year old knows everything. You understand how that goes. All in all we are quite blessed with D's and keeping a path moving forward.

Your 23 yo....time for him to look for a new place to live. Your others are yours until 18 year of age. Do not be a doormat.


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## Iver

The 23 year old - does he have his own room? Eats three squares a day? Who does his laundry? Who pays for his cell phone? Gas and Insurance?

Remember the old saying: what the Lord giveth, the Lord can taketh...or in your case what Daddy giveth...

Seriously, full time school or full time work w/rent or out the door.


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## Chuck71

so many times, people are not given any responsibility today

until they are 25 (college, living with parents). just two 

generations ago, people were given adult responsibilities at

16-18. How do I know? I see the younger generation in

class, daily. I listen and observed how older people acted

growing up. When I was 18 there were no such terms as 

"starter home" "starter marriage" 

the hamster wheel continues to tighten its grip on humanity


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## OhGeesh

I'm a butthole  it's my way or the highway!! Kicked my daughter out at 18 will kick all of them out at 18 if they don't do well in school or join the military.

The 18yr old is now 22 and has a avg no skill job 30k/yr with her avg no skill job boyfriend who makes 45k/yr. 

Hopefully the next ones follow the "daddy plan lol". 

I can't wait to be a empty nester so the wife and I can travel, get ****ty hotels, and bang like teenagers while experiencing new things together.

Drives me nuts when grown up kids live at home and just veg an the parents just sit there. Time isn't stopping for anyone they are adults......go live and enjoy life!! I can't let them veg and do that!! Fly little birdy fly!!

As far as school and expectation mine are high and always will be high. My oldest didn't reach the bar as far as school goes and it caused a huge rift between her and I. She is frugal, has a house she bought, and saves money, so some principles worked well. Just wish she would invest in herself and go back to school.

Good luck OP!!


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## murphy5

if you can keep them out of jail until they are 21...you have accomplished a LOT.


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