# Being In Love



## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

In what percentage of your relationships would you say that you were in love? In love, being defined as enjoying a spontaneous emotional connection with the other person? Sometimes referred to as a spark.

In contrast, how many of you built your love, by getting close to the other person over time?

Do you think being in love is a requirement for a fulfilling relationship/marriage? Is the spontaneous part of being in love something that wears out, and is replaced by a in love feeling based on compatibility, and getting emotional needs met (insert story about couple who was in love and later divorced because of incompatibility)?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

All of them.

In fact I still have some loving feelings for ex girlfriends who I dated well over 30 years ago.

My relationship with my wife as we have been together since 1989.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

BioFury said:


> In what percentage of your relationships would you say that you were in love? In love, being defined as enjoying a spontaneous emotional connection with the other person? Sometimes referred to as a spark.


Hmm. I've always heard "spark" used in terms of physical attraction only. I've felt a spark with many men physically, but very few emotionally as well.

I've had 4 relationships since reaching 18 years of age. I tolerated one of those men. I loved three of those men. I've only been "in love" with one man. The other two I loved for who they were as men and I enjoyed the sexual chemistry, but I wasn't "in love" with them.

So I've been "in love" in 25% of my total relationships.

Unless you're counting FWB/ONS as relationships, then that changes to 0.03125%.

*Shout out to Calculator, the real MVP. It's early and my caffeine levels are too low to do math yet.*



BioFury said:


> In contrast, how many of you built your love, by getting close to the other person over time?


Out of all my past adult romantic interactions the only man I've ever been "in love" with is my DH. It was a love at first sight thing. I just knew the second I saw him that he was "it", "the one", the man I would spend the rest of my life with. It was insane and ridiculous and terrifying. It took him a couple of weeks to get there. Within 3 months of meeting we were blowing up our lives and reassembling the pieces around each other. That love has deepened over time, though.



BioFury said:


> And lastly, what were your experiences with each? Which lasted? Which defined your most successful relationship(s)?


Well, what's a successful relationship? I think, if pressed, most people would define a successful relationship as one that is either long term and ongoing or that lasts until one of the partners dies. In that case, I've had one successful relationship and it's with the man I fell in love with at first sight.


----------



## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> Hmm. I've always heard "spark" used in terms of physical attraction only. I've felt a spark with many men physically, but very few emotionally as well.
> 
> I've had 4 relationships since reaching 18 years of age. I tolerated one of those men. I loved three of those men. I've only been "in love" with one man. The other two I loved for who they were as men and I enjoyed the sexual chemistry, but I wasn't "in love" with them.
> 
> ...


So would you say falling in love is rare? Do you think you could have had a happy and fulfilling marriage with someone you didn't fall in love with, but to who you were attracted, and were very compatible? I'm trying to parse together whether all couples are those who "fall in love", and whether it's necessary for a stellar marriage, or not.

For instance, Ursula's thread about the right person. I haven't seen anyone suggest she wait for a person she falls in love with, or experiences love at first sight, with. She's stated that she's looking for someone with whom she shares goals, ideals, and direction. Yet no one rebukes this ideology as being faulty.


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

BioFury said:


> So would you say falling in love is rare? Do you think you could have had a happy and fulfilling marriage with someone you didn't fall in love with, but to who you were attracted, and were very compatible? I'm trying to parse together whether all couples are those who "fall in love", and whether it's necessary for a stellar marriage, or not.
> 
> For instance, Ursula's thread about the right person. I haven't seen anyone suggest she wait for a person she falls in love with, or experiences love at first sight, with. She's stated that she's looking for someone with whom she shares goals, ideals, and direction. Yet no one rebukes this ideology as being faulty.


Well, when I was 15, I could fall in love in about 10 seconds. Now that I'm older and more battle worn, attraction and compatibility is really good enough even if I dont get the butterflies. I mean if you both enjoy each others company a lot, enjoy intimacy with each other alot, what more can you want in a partner? I get the feeling some people are waiting for someone that can $hit golden eggs...


----------



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Love in the form we use it doesn’t exist. I mean, come on, “fall in love”. One moment, not in love, next moment, in love. The problem is that the ideology of love is digital but the art of feelings is analoug. 

We can romanticize it all we want. We want to come up terms like soulmates, but most of that stuff is derived in insecurity. Most people think this is a calloused reaction, and maybe it is, I have been divorced twice. However, I am with another woman whom I love. What does that mean? If she cheats on me, am I no longer in love? Eventually? Then it is controllable? 

Maybe it’s cause we have meshed two concepts in one. “Love” and “in love”. You can love your kids and your wife but you don’t love them the same way. Wife is a choice and kids are unconditionalish. But really, are we “in love” with our significant other? Or, want to convince ourselves of it?


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

BioFury said:


> In what percentage of your relationships would you say that you were in love? In love, being defined as enjoying a spontaneous emotional connection with the other person? Sometimes referred to as a spark.
> 
> In contrast, how many of you built your love, by getting close to the other person over time?
> 
> Do you think being in love is a requirement for a fulfilling relationship/marriage? Is the spontaneous part of being in love something that wears out, and is replaced by a in love feeling based on compatibility, and getting emotional needs met (insert story about couple who was in love and later divorced because of incompatibility)?


I have been in love twice in my life, but I also don't define this as a spontaneous emotional connection. Both times for me was a slow build over time. I had "butterflies" (or a spark) with both from almost the very beginning, but I'm grown up enough to understand that this isn't real love. And that spontaneous, spark/butterfly thing will eventually fade--it always does--and the question after that is, did you build a strong enough foundation during the spark phase to create the stronger, more mature and intimate emotional connection of mature love to continue the relationship?

I do think that being in love is necessary for a fulfilling relationship. I couldn't be happy in a relationship without it, and I think that meeting one another's emotional needs is a big component of falling in and staying in love (and conversely, loving another is what compels you to meet their emotional needs).


----------



## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Well, when I was 15, I could fall in love in about 10 seconds. Now that I'm older and more battle worn, attraction and compatibility is really good enough even if I dont get the butterflies. I mean if you both enjoy each others company a lot, enjoy intimacy with each other alot, what more can you want in a partner? I get the feeling some people are waiting for someone that can $hit golden eggs...


An emotional connection, I think is what they're looking for. The feeling that you've known someone since forever, that they're emotionally in touch with who you are, and how you feel. That they understand, and care about, what goes on inside you. Someone that "gets" you.

Have you experienced the above? Have you been able to build such a connection through time, or was it exclusively spontaneous in nature?



Herschel said:


> Love in the form we use it doesn’t exist. I mean, come on, “fall in love”. One moment, not in love, next moment, in love. The problem is that the ideology of love is digital but the art of feelings is analoug.
> 
> We can romanticize it all we want. We want to come up terms like soulmates, but most of that stuff is derived in insecurity. Most people think this is a calloused reaction, and maybe it is, I have been divorced twice. However, I am with another woman whom I love. What does that mean? If she cheats on me, am I no longer in love? Eventually? Then it is controllable?
> 
> Maybe it’s cause we have meshed two concepts in one. “Love” and “in love”. You can love your kids and your wife but you don’t love them the same way. Wife is a choice and kids are unconditionalish. But really, are we “in love” with our significant other? Or, want to convince ourselves of it?


Well, I've been in love, so I know it's not pretend. But I've only been in two relationships, so what I'm wondering, is whether emotional love and deep emotional intimacy, exist outside of the obsessive "in love" feeling. Can a spiritual bond that is emotionally nourishing be forged between individuals when there isn't a spontaneous "in love" experience?


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

BioFury said:


> So would you say falling in love is rare? Do you think you could have had a happy and fulfilling marriage with someone you didn't fall in love with, but to who you were attracted, and were very compatible? I'm trying to parse together whether all couples are those who "fall in love", and whether it's necessary for a stellar marriage, or not.
> 
> 
> 
> For instance, Ursula's thread about the right person. I haven't seen anyone suggest she wait for a person she falls in love with, or experiences love at first sight, with. She's stated that she's looking for someone with whom she shares goals, ideals, and direction. Yet no one rebukes this ideology as being faulty.




I only fell in love once and married. It was pretty much instantaneous for me (the falling in love part). I don’t think it was for her as she didn’t pay me any attention the first 6 months or so which was frustrating.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

FeministInPink said:


> I have been in love twice in my life, but I also don't define this as a spontaneous emotional connection. Both times for me was a slow build over time. I had "butterflies" (or a spark) with both from almost the very beginning, but I'm grown up enough to understand that this isn't real love. And that spontaneous, spark/butterfly thing will eventually fade--it always does--and the question after that is, did you build a strong enough foundation during the spark phase to create the stronger, more mature and intimate emotional connection of mature love to continue the relationship?
> 
> I do think that being in love is necessary for a fulfilling relationship. I couldn't be happy in a relationship without it, and I think that meeting one another's emotional needs is a big component of falling in and staying in love (and conversely, loving another is what compels you to meet their emotional needs).


Would you be willing to describe the way being in love made you feel, so that I can judge whether or not we're talking about the same thing?


----------



## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

inmyprime said:


> I only fell in love once and married. It was pretty much instantaneous for me (the falling in love part). I don’t think it was for her as she didn’t pay me any attention the first 6 months or so which was frustrating.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Have you ever asked her about her experience regarding your courtship? Do you know why she was initially uninterested? What did you do that you feel turned the tide? Do you believe that she is in love with you, as you are in love with her?


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

BioFury said:


> Have you ever asked her about her experience regarding your courtship? Do you know why she was initially uninterested? What did you do that you feel turned the tide? Do you believe that she is in love with you, as you are in love with her?



Difficult to answer...
She says she wasn’t really aware I liked her! I find it difficult to believe but we were in school and there were many guys after her so it’s possible it was just too much going on and she wasn’t really all that aware....

And it’s true that I didn’t ‘push’ or send her flowers all the time. I was basically just spending time talking to her. Actually mainly listening and asking questions etc.
That’s about all I did: made her talk and open up. And I have written her some letters - nothing especially corny or romantic, just some things I didn’t always manage to say out loud to her.

We developed a friendship and it turned into more eventually. She says it was her friends who made her aware that I am constantly pursuing her.

Is she in love with me as I’m in love with her...
It’s difficult because nobody really knows what love is or means. I believe we both love each other, but perhaps differently. She used to say I have no idea how much she loves me; and I don’t think she knows how much I love her...So we continue to live and love in this continuous misunderstanding 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

BioFury said:


> Would you be willing to describe the way being in love made you feel, so that I can judge whether or not we're talking about the same thing?


I'm not sure how well I can describe it; I'll describe the more recent, because I honestly don't remember what it was like to be in love with my XH, even though I know I as at one point. 

It made me feel safe, and cherished, desired, respected, and valued--and wanted to give those to him in return. I felt like I was more of myself when I was with him. I felt free with him. I felt like he understood me better than anyone else, and I him; we had our own verbal shorthand and inside jokes that other people didn't understand. With him, I felt at ease in situations where I might normally feel uncomfortable. When something went great, he was the first person I wanted to call/see to celebrate, and when things were bad, I knew I could turn to him for comfort and assurance, and did. When he would look at me, I can't help but smile, because made me happy just to look at him. When he was around, I couldn't help but touch him... we were always affectionately touching one another. He was my best friend PLUS. I don't like sharing, but I always wanted to share with him.

I don't know if that answers your question, but I guess it's a start.


----------



## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

inmyprime said:


> Difficult to answer...
> She says she wasn’t really aware I liked her! I find it difficult to believe but we were in school and there were many guys after her so it’s possible it was just too much going on and she wasn’t really all that aware....
> 
> And it’s true that I didn’t ‘push’ or send her flowers all the time. I was basically just spending time talking to her. Actually mainly listening and asking questions etc.
> ...


So it would seem that on her part, there was nothing spontaneous about it? Considering she didn't pursue interaction with you at all to begin with, and only as a friend later on, and only after much of that, as a romantic partner.


----------



## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

FeministInPink said:


> I'm not sure how well I can describe it; I'll describe the more recent, because I honestly don't remember what it was like to be in love with my XH, even though I know I as at one point.
> 
> It made me feel safe, and cherished, desired, respected, and valued--and wanted to give those to him in return. I felt like I was more of myself when I was with him. I felt free with him. I felt like he understood me better than anyone else, and I him; we had our own verbal shorthand and inside jokes that other people didn't understand. With him, I felt at ease in situations where I might normally feel uncomfortable. When something went great, he was the first person I wanted to call/see to celebrate, and when things were bad, I knew I could turn to him for comfort and assurance, and did. When he would look at me, I can't help but smile, because made me happy just to look at him. When he was around, I couldn't help but touch him... we were always affectionately touching one another. He was my best friend PLUS. I don't like sharing, but I always wanted to share with him.
> 
> I don't know if that answers your question, but I guess it's a start.


Was his understanding of you, and you of him, something innate? Or was it something both of you developed as you got to know each other over time?

Do you mind me asking, what caused the demise of the relationships with the individuals with whom you were in love?


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

BioFury said:


> So it would seem that on her part, there was nothing spontaneous about it? Considering she didn't pursue interaction with you at all to begin with, and only as a friend later on, and only after much of that, as a romantic partner.




By ‘spontaneous’, do you mean sudden?
No it was definitely not sudden for her.
But it was also not calculated or planned either.... It just happened over time.
I mean she was 15 when we first met each other...She says she had no clue about anything...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

BioFury said:


> Was his understanding of you, and you of him, something innate? Or was it something both of you developed as you got to know each other over time?
> 
> Do you mind me asking, what caused the demise of the relationships with the individuals with whom you were in love?


I think part of it was innate... it was certainly present (but to a lesser degree) when we first met, but it continued to grow over time.

In regards to my XH, I posted something on another thread, which is pretty precise:

_Using my former marriage as an example... my XH was very deceptive. He claimed to be one way and want certain things, and behaved that way before marriage so his actions would match his words, giving me no reason to doubt the veracity--and what he showed me matched what I wanted in a partner. But he wasn't being honest, he was being deceptive, and all of that was really a lie. After we married, he changed significantly as the facade he had so carefully crafted--which was initially created to get me to love him and eventually marry him--began to disintegrate and fall away. I discovered his true nature and who he really was, and that person was someone I wouldn't even be friends with, let alone date or marry._

This is why I also have a difficult time articulating how it felt to be in love with my XH... because the person I fell in love with was literally an illusion. He did not exist.

For the most recent man, it is much more complicated, and I don't feel like going into all of it here, and not at this moment. I will just say that I loved him very much, and I still DO love him. We broke up 5 months ago. The relationship overall was very good, and for the most part healthy, but we created an unhealthy cycle that played out subconsciously between us, resulting in the breakup. I believe we have the power/ability to change our patterns and fix/end this cycle to have a better relationship; he does not, which really means he either isn't willing or is too scared to try. There were some other issues as well, but this was the big one.


----------



## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

inmyprime said:


> By ‘spontaneous’, do you mean sudden?
> No it was definitely not sudden for her.
> But it was also not calculated or planned either.... It just happened over time.
> I mean she was 15 when we first met each other...She says she had no clue about anything...
> ...


Yes, was there a moment that she was suddenly smitten, or knew she had to have you. Or was it entirely gradual?


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

BioFury said:


> Yes, was there a moment that she was suddenly smitten, or knew she had to have you. Or was it entirely gradual?



Not entirely. One night it was raining outside and I went out (I can’t remember why maybe just to clear my head?), she followed me out, then pushed me against the wall and kissed me. Quit aggressively. That felt quite sudden. I was startled by how ‘into it’ she was.
After that I can’t say it was all smooth or in a straight line either. At times I felt she was a bit cold and distant and other times she showed passion. I think she had trust issues at first and probably for good reasons.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

inmyprime said:


> Not entirely. One night it was raining outside and I went out (I can’t remember why maybe just to clear my head?), she followed me out, then pushed me against the wall and kissed me. Quit aggressively. That felt quite sudden. I was startled by how ‘into it’ she was.
> After that I can’t say it was all smooth or in a straight line either. At times I felt she was a bit cold and distant and other times she showed passion. I think she had trust issues at first and probably for good reasons.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




I also remember her lips felt relatively ‘wet’ and that feeling her tongue made my whole body tingle. She tasted and smelt really really good and everything just felt ‘right’ about the whole thing.

I kissed other girls before; I remember once, in a cinema was a similar kiss (from ‘technical’ point of view) but all I remember is how put off I was by the taste of popcorn coming out from her mouth...So when people talk about ‘bad kisser’ or ‘bad lover’, I can’t always understand how they don’t take into account their own levels of attraction towards the other person - I think it plays a much bigger role than people realise and colours not only how you perceive them sexually, but also in general.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

“Her kids felt wet” She shouldn’t have had her kids out in the rain then. 😁😁😁


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> “Her kids felt wet” She shouldn’t have had her kids out in the rain then.




Lips  Damn autoconnect....


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

BioFury said:


> So would you say falling in love is rare? Do you think you could have had a happy and fulfilling marriage with someone you didn't fall in love with, but to who you were attracted, and were very compatible? I'm trying to parse together whether all couples are those who "fall in love", and whether it's necessary for a stellar marriage, or not.
> 
> For instance, Ursula's thread about the right person. I haven't seen anyone suggest she wait for a person she falls in love with, or experiences love at first sight, with. She's stated that she's looking for someone with whom she shares goals, ideals, and direction. Yet no one rebukes this ideology as being faulty.


Is falling in love rare? For me, very, very rare. For others? Maybe not so rare. I don't know. I'm not them. I can't say for sure whether or not the people I know who have claimed to be in love were being honest or just saying what they're expected to say about their feelings toward a SO.

I think, for a _stellar_ marriage, being mutually "in love" is a requirement. For a _decent_ marriage, I'd say mutual attraction and general compatibility could be enough. 

Could I be happy in a marriage without being "in love"? I don't know. I met my DH when I was 24. I'd already turned down 2 men because I wasn't "in love" with them and refused to "settle". I was young and I had all the time in the world to find someone I could fall "in love" with. I'm middle aged now. I have more days behind me than in front of me. I don't have all the time in the world to search anymore. If I were sadly single now I might be perfectly content with attraction and compatibility.



UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Well, when I was 15, I could fall in love in about 10 seconds.


We used to call that "falling in lust". I think it's now called limerence or infatuation, depending. :grin2:



Herschel said:


> However, I am with another woman whom I love. What does that mean? If she cheats on me, am I no longer in love? Eventually? Then it is controllable?
> 
> Maybe it’s cause we have meshed two concepts in one. “Love” and “in love”. You can love your kids and your wife but you don’t love them the same way. Wife is a choice and kids are unconditionalish. But really, are we “in love” with our significant other? Or, want to convince ourselves of it?


I think I'm definitely in love with my DH and he with me. We love each other in a familial way, as we are family. We love each other as friends. We also love each other romantically. And that romantic love is the difference between love and in love, if that makes any sense.

Is being "in love" controllable? Not for me. I can't control whether or not I feel it. The feeling either exists or it doesn't just like sexual attraction. Can the behavior of my beloved erode that love until there is nothing left? In theory, yes. But his behavior is outside of my control. Using your example of cheating, if DH cheated on me I would still love him. I'll always love him, I can't imagine not loving him, but it would theoretically kill the "in love" feeling and, eventually, even erode the other kinds of love until nothing is left at all.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I never entered into a romantic relationship unless I felt in love. 

I certainly dated, often multiple times with the same woman, but it never progressed to exclusivity without love.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I’ve only been in love once and I married her. It’s been three and a half months now and some people thought we wouldn’t last lol. 
I’ve been in lust once or twice but it was never strong enough for me to stick around. When I was younger I knew a girl called Catherine,she was a good catholic and was keeping herself “pure” for marriage. She was absolutely beautiful and a really kindhearted person. But she wouldn’t put out any I knew we weren’t compatible. 
She’s married now and the last I heard was pregnant with kid number eight. So once she got a taste she never looked back.


----------



## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

BioFury said:


> An emotional connection, I think is what they're looking for. The feeling that you've known someone since forever, that they're emotionally in touch with who you are, and how you feel. That they understand, and care about, what goes on inside you. Someone that "gets" you.
> 
> Have you experienced the above? Have you been able to build such a connection through time, or was it exclusively spontaneous in nature?
> 
> Well, I've been in love, so I know it's not pretend. But I've only been in two relationships, so what I'm wondering, is whether emotional love and deep emotional intimacy, exist outside of the obsessive "in love" feeling. *Can a spiritual bond that is emotionally nourishing be forged between individuals when there isn't a spontaneous "in love" experience?*


The obsessive in love feeling is hormones flowing from the newness of a relationship which will eventually level off allowing real/true love to grow.

From polls and tests of those in arranged marriages, a greater percentage reported feeling more love, happiness and concern for the well being of their spouse after 10yrs, increasing through succeeding years than those of more westernized type marriages.


----------

