# Today I feel like crap



## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

As it says really.

I am trying very hard to be stable and appear as though everything is normal, but inside I am torn between screaming out loud about my inner hurt and breaking down in tears.

This is almost a year and a half on from Dday and so far R has been quite successful but I just can't find myself able to trust her, some folk will just say that I am over analyzing things and that I should calm down but I can't stop this sh!t rifting around in my head, I am trying to settle it all down and then something will trigger, and off it goes again.

I so wish this was not my life and I am becoming depressed from the situation I find myself in.

If you are wondering what triggered it this time then I will tell you.

My wife also works with horses, she is a groom for an international show jumping rider, and from time to time she has to go away to competitions, the first time she went away was in March and for almost a month, I was sad at her having to go but also extremely anxious as I would not actually know what she was doing or what she might be omitting in our chats on the phone or in texting but I tried very hard to stay as calm as possible and not to get too analytic over small things as I know they were at a major international show with 6 horses and it is not always possible to talk or text when getting the horses ready or filming the course for the sales web page, but I did find myself getting mildly concerned when doing the laundry and putting the clean washing away that the entire contents of her underwear draw was missing all bar her one piece swimsuit I bought her, but all the thongs and nice sets and even a bikini, I became a little worried at that point as it seemed a little odd that everything was taken, and I did bring it up in conversation with her and she kind of dismissed it and explained it away with "I just packed everything as I was in a hurry and needed to get back to the truck" yes getting packed quick was true but if it was the case of emptying the draw in to her case then the one piece would not have been left behind, or am I over simplifying things?

Yesterdays trigger was again caused by her going away, and I know this may seem silly but underwear is a big deal to me, and yesterday she was busy with making sure her latest new underwear was in the wash and going to be ready to pack, but why? I am not going to be there so it won't be for my benefit and as she has plenty in the draw so why make sure the new thongs and bras are clen and dry ready to be packed?

Sorry if this seems trivial but I am coping with her first known betrayal from a more than a year ago and every little thing just seems to set me back just lately, I don't know what to do? Really I don't! 

I hate feeling this way and feeling as though I need to snoop and over analyse things that would otherwise go unnoticed.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Honestly can't see what amounts to a long distance relationship working for you. Too much water under the bridge to be trusting her at this early stage.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Your feelings are very normal. There is no time limit to when your going to trust her again, if ever. 

Try not to let this eat at you on the inside. Did she overpack other things too? I would imagine so if she were in a hurry.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

did you ask her why she needs sexy thong and such when your not going to be there?

and did she get all defensive? sounds a little suspicious.

and it just might be that you will never trust her again. maybe rightfully so. her excuse sound like bull to me.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

It helps to stick to one thread. When you post on any thread it goes to the top of the list and it makes it easy for folks to see what has been going on instead of maybe looking back through four threads.

Just sayin'


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> It helps to stick to one thread. When you post on any thread it goes to the top of the list and it makes it easy for folks to see what has been going on instead of maybe looking back through four threads.
> 
> Just sayin'


Sorry but I have begun to find comfort within these pages, just finding my focus seems to be getting all messed up again.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you asked her why she's wearing sexy thongs instead of less sexy panties when she isn't with you?

Both her answer, and how she answers is very relevant.

If she shows attitude or impatience or is dismissive, then I'd call her out on it. She's still very much needing to work on saving the marriage and her being anything other than open and supportive of you and respectful of your feeling isn't ok, and she should be called on it.

Then there is your gut, please do listen to it. It is entirely possible that something is actually up.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

One of the reasons people don't trust other people is because the people asking for our trust do not act open and trustworthy toward us. 

If a person dismisses our concerns, downplays our feelings, that is showing that they do not respect our worries and our feelings.

If a person doesn't respect us, how then would they value us?

A person who doesn't value us, and doesn't respect us, makes it very hard to trust them because they do not act like they feel the need to be loyal to us.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Your senses are fine tuned now to detect bull.. Like Shaggy says, listen to your gut, it's trying to tell you something.. You have every right in the world to be suspicious. Ask and gauge the response, it should be something like 'now that I know it upsets you, I won't pack any sexy undergarments' or the one I'd prefer ' I won't travel without you until you are comfortable with it'. If she goes on the defensive instead of asking how to make you comfortable, I'd be concerned. That would send me back into investigative mode for sure. I hope your gut is wrong, all the best to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Are thongs her normal comfortable choice of underwear or her special reserved for date night choice?


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Thongs are so 1995..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you discussed her moving to the other place before you?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

One way to settle it is take her for a polygraph and have the questions written out so the person giving the test knows what to ask. If she gives you a hard time or refuses, then you know that there's a rat in the woodpile then you have the choice to either continue the marriage or to bail out. Why prolong the agony your going through? If she has nothing to hide, then she'll gladly take the test.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Have you discussed her moving to the other place before you?


Yes and TBH she says that she does not want to move there without me, even though I would be following after a couple of months, but then again, in a way I kind of want her to go without me so I can keep tabs from a distance without her knowing and if there are any slip ups in the two months then I just don't move there, I can stay here, but I know how it goes and I don't want to wait too much longer in a sense only to catch her at it again only worse due to having crossed unacceptable boundaries already, I see it more as a test of her fidelity, a chance for her to behave as she wishes and do what ever she wants, the only thing I will do is monitor from a distance to be sure I am not just prolonging my own misery by continuing to try to trust her and stupid things like this triggering me off when she does something or says something, if she can stay faithful to me with two months of not living in my pocket so to speak then I will continue to R.

And although she does wear thongs she does also own normal slips and often wears those too so it is a mixed bag really hence my not immediately jumping to random conclusions, just making notes of my suspicions I suppose.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Her not wanting to move with out you is a great sign, are you sure she was not just putting you on or is she actually refusing to go with out you?

If she was looking to wander, she would jump at this chance. Of course, if she is sly, she will try to make it look like she doesn't want to go but go anyway.

If you really want to make it work you should read The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books

You are already doing some of the things recommended in this book. It will explain how a woman may stray and why. There is also a MAP plan to help guide you. It is probably the most recommended book to men on this site.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Here is a blog for MMSLP Blog | Married Man Sex Life


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

When I have some alone time I will read it thoroughly.

I wonder everyday whether or not I should just let her go and try to move on with my own life in a new direction but it is so bloomin hard, I know it was a good sign when she said she didn't want to go without me even though it would only be for a couple of months but I also remember her sitting across from me on her laptop sending a message to the OM whilst supposedly being happy that I had finished work and was home for the night, it is,after all the fact that I walked through the door and she was all over me and dripping wet wanting sex and then her being a little "cautious" of the view of her screen on the laptop are the things that lead to me snooping and finding more than I had bargained for!!!

Still putting it down to me having a crap day but things might work out???


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

wranglerman said:


> When I have some alone time I will read it thoroughly.
> 
> I wonder everyday whether or not I should just let her go and try to move on with my own life in a new direction but it is so bloomin hard, I know it was a good sign when she said she didn't want to go without me even though it would only be for a couple of months but I also remember her sitting across from me on her laptop sending a message to the OM whilst supposedly being happy that I had finished work and was home for the night, it is,after all the fact that I walked through the door and she was all over me and dripping wet wanting sex and then her being a little "cautious" of the view of her screen on the laptop are the things that lead to me snooping and finding more than I had bargained for!!!
> 
> Still putting it down to me having a crap day but things might work out???


I know that feeling, man. It's tough. Anybody going through this sort of situation is gonna have bad days. Sometimes what starts off as a good day is just a bad one in disguise. 

Right now, if someone could guarantee that she was truly remorseful and sincerely wanted to work it out with you, would you still want tostick around?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What you are going through is what life is like when someone you love has cheated. That messes with your head like nothing else in life. And trust is difficult to reacquire once it's gone.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed would she have been so accepting and forgiving as you have been? Have you both been checked for STD's?
Why do you wish to spend your life with a cheater who disrespected you in the worst possible way? If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

yes we were both checked for STDs, it is part of our health check that we have annually for the health insurance policy for us self employed folk here.

But I am still torn, yes she does seem remorseful for her actions that lead to this situation and yes she does seem to want to get past this. 

But how can I stop the over cautious self from over analyzing just about everything? Should I be looking to R at all bearing in mind what she did the first time that I know of?

I hate this life, I almost wish I could rewind to a time when this hurt and pain did not exist within me.

Some folk have suggested polygraph tests, but am I sure I really want to know? It is like my initial want to call her out and get her to confess her sins so we can move forward without skeletons in closets, but I thought it better to give her the freedom she needed to prove her worth, to show me that my trust will not be betrayed again within the boundaries of fidelity.

The more I think on it the more confused and upset I seem to get.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> did you ask her why she needs sexy thong and such when your not going to be there?
> 
> and did she get all defensive? sounds a little suspicious.
> 
> and it just might be that you will never trust her again. maybe rightfully so. her excuse sound like bull to me.


Riders wear jodhpurs. Not entirely sure ordinary underwear goes too well with them. They are very tight, you see.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

russell28 said:


> Thongs are so 1995..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


you're right. Commando rules!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Put a P.I. on her next road trip.


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

wranglerman said:


> As it says really.
> 
> I am trying very hard to be stable and appear as though everything is normal, but inside I am torn between screaming out loud about my inner hurt and breaking down in tears.
> 
> ...



If your wife is genuine in her attempts to reconcile, these are the boundaries I would be placing around recovery.

1. Complete, open, unfettered access to all her email accounts, phones, etc.

2. Deactivation of her facebook account.

3. Keylogger on her computer and phone.

4. No going away for work. If she cant find local work grooming, then she has to find another job.

5. She understands and agrees that you have the need and right too know where she is, and with whom, every minute of every day.


I have been where you are and will accept nothing less.

If she is genuinely remorseful and wants the marriage to work then she will agree gladly to those boundaries. If she refuses, then you have your answer and this will greatly decrease your confusion and weakness. You will then be able to move forward with your life and know what you need to do too. 

She could still of course, take the EA or PA underground, but I think once you tell her of your boundary requirements, her _initial _ reaction can tell you a great deal about where she is at.

If she does agree to a genuine attempt at R, then you both have work to do in changing the negative marital dynamics and finding the 50% responsibility each of you played in bringing the relationship to where it is today. You may need some time to reflect and grieve the old relationship of course, but the heavy lifting on her part needs to begin immediately.

Take good care of yourself!


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

I have complete access to all email and social networking sites that I know she has accounts.

I can have the phone out of her hand or pocket anytime I like.

A new phone with installed spyware will be given as a gift to "keep us in touch".

Key logging will be installed before she moves.

I will not bow to holding her to ransom over work, it is hard enough to find a good well paying job in these climes without making her quit one that pays more than half as much again as a crappy local one, and it is a career not just a job, a job is stacking shelves dead end until your life past you by, her career may have times where we are apart but I cannot hold her to a nothing job just because of this, if she can resist temptations and prove there is nothing to hide through the spyware I am putting in place then that should be good enough for me.

I cope with this everyday and hope one day it will be a distant memory but right now it just don't seem that way, no matter how hard I try.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

wranglerman said:


> yes we were both checked for STDs, it is part of our health check that we have annually for the health insurance policy for us self employed folk here.
> 
> But I am still torn, yes she does seem remorseful for her actions that lead to this situation and yes she does seem to want to get past this.
> 
> ...


Yes you do. If you are at a point in your marriage where you DON'T want to know if your spouse is still cheating, sounds like you're in false R. 

Without the truth there can be no true and lasting R, period.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

wranglerman said:


> I hate this life, I almost wish I could rewind to a time when this hurt and pain did not exist within me.
> 
> Then get out of it. Ask her to sell the horses and find a hobby close to home.
> 
> ...


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

wranglerman said:


> I have complete access to all email and social networking sites that I know she has accounts.
> 
> I can have the phone out of her hand or pocket anytime I like.
> 
> ...


Guess you are screwed then.....


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

LostViking said:


> Guess you are screwed then.....


Short term yes, but look at the bigger picture, if I force her to quit her good well paying job for something [email protected] at home will that breed a resentment that may come back to haunt me later anyway? 

This way, at least as I see it, I can shave off the potential for wasted years by putting in place a means of tracking her activities and interactions with other people without her knowing, how she chooses to conduct herself when not in my company is what I need to know more of and sooner rather than later.

I use the phrase "to give enough rope to hang ones self", if there are interactions that breach our well versed and talked through boundaries then I will be able to keep at least one step ahead and get myself back on track faster than having to endure a massive blow up and tedious drip feeding of what is the real truth over years if there was another issue to be dealt with(if I had not found TAM I would still be thinking very differently as I used to, shocked, fearful and an emotional roller coaster that just wanted things to be as they were and that those events had not happened and she had not acted inappropriately), but now I just want to know if she is genuine in her R with me and if I stayed here for two or more months, would she stay faithful? 

Knowledge is power, if she screws up then it will be fine, I will know as it happens and can be busy getting papers etc, ready to be served, but, if she stays faithful then even better, slowly getting a grip on this now, I think?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

All of that monitoring is no way to live long term, but I guess it's something you have to do until you can build up some trust.

Voice-activated recorders can also help, they can let you hear what she's saying about you to her family and friends, even if she is not still in contact with the affair partner. You either catch her still cheating or know that she's not; you either hear her being committed to you, or not; just for a couple of weeks, it could help re-establish some trust, or save you a lot of heartache.

The bathing suit/lingerie thing is troublesome, if for no other reason than it bothers you and she did not change. I suggest telling her directly what you want and don't want in her behavior. Be direct and confident with her. Communicate openly. If something bothers you, let her know, don't keep it to yourself. I think it will help you to see how much she considers your feelings. If nothing else, at least you will know how far she is willing to go to help you get over this.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Does she drink while on the road? That's a real no no.  Does she go on girls night out with friends? That's a relationship killer too.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Does she drink while on the road? That's a real no no. Does she go on girls night out with friends? That's a relationship killer too.


She rarely drinks at all, has been this way for a good few years too!

GNOs not likely, she does not have many friends really, it is a product of our moving around with work, we have moved almost every year in search of better paying jobs with better conditions, it is tough times out there in the horse business!!! We may drive across the country to go and take drinks with people we know from the last job but we do almost everything socially as a couple.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

wranglerman said:


> Short term yes, but look at the bigger picture, if I force her to quit her good well paying job for something [email protected] at home will that breed a resentment that may come back to haunt me later anyway?
> 
> This way, at least as I see it, I can shave off the potential for wasted years by putting in place a means of tracking her activities and interactions with other people without her knowing, how she chooses to conduct herself when not in my company is what I need to know more of and sooner rather than later.
> 
> ...


Dear wranglerman,

I've read all your posts and, frankly, I think you're in the BS fog.

You know your WW has cheated on you with one man, you know that she has lied to you and continues to lie about another (the story about her account being hacked) and you have good reason to believe that there have been other infidelities. Yet you insist that you are in a successful reconciliation. But something doesn't feel right so you've concocted a plan to spy on your WW to find out if she will cheat again.

You are engaging in what is called "rugsweeping" -- the act of pretending there is no elephant in room when in fact it is crapping on your living room carpet. You know your WW is a cheater and probably a serial cheater but you resist getting to the bottom of her adultery and instead hope for the best. But even you don't believe this will work and so you also hope to catch her cheating.

Your rugsweeping is the result of you listening and acting upon your emotions (you love your WW and don't want to lose her) but your rational mind is telling you that this will likely end badly. This is the source of feelings of confusion.

You have a choice to make. Either continue on your present course and hope that you can learn to live with the constant angst that comes from not knowing what she did, what she is doing (e.g., when she travels) and what she will do in the future. Or, demand that she come clean, insist on a polygraph test if needs be, and then decide whether there is hope for your marriage once you know the full truth.

I'm betting you will stay your present course because you don't seem to have the emotional strength to deal with what you know is likely to be the truth. Your WW probably also knows this, since she knew that she could get away with giving you a ridiculous excuse. The problem is that this road -- which is definitely not paved with good intentions on your WW's part, usually leads to h*ll.

Demand the truth or get used to living a lie. The choice is yours.

BTW, be careful that your WW doesn't hang you with that rope you're giving her.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

carmen ohio said:


> Demand the truth or get used to living a lie. The choice is yours.
> 
> BTW, be careful that your WW doesn't hang you with that rope you're giving her.


So what are the best and most sensible options in our opinion?

I do love my wife and I find it hard to imagine a life forward without her being in it, but I have been hurt and don't want to be betrayed again only to find out it went much further than her EA that I do know of.

She is away for a week now and I suppose I should take the time to work out what I want in my life more, a spouse who will not treat me this way or to continue in blind hope things will work themselves out.

And what did you mean by that last sentence? What harm can come to me other than me finding out that earlier than otherwise that I am destined to be single?


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

wranglerman said:


> So what are the best and most sensible options in our opinion?
> 
> I do love my wife and *I find it hard to imagine a life forward without her being in it*, but I have been hurt and don't want to be betrayed again only to find out it went much further than her EA that I do know of.
> 
> ...


wranglerman,

The first thing you should do is start to imagine a life without your WW. In fact, do more than imagine it, prepare for it (i.e., speak to an attorney, separate your finances, decide where you will live, consider your employment opportunities, etc.). This is essential because, until you are willing and able to leave your marriage, you don't really have any options other than to take what your WW gives you.

Also decide what you need from your WW in the way of reconciliation. This includes whether you are comfortable with her having a job that requires her to spend large amounts of time away from you (pay more attention to what is good for your marriage and less to money). Write down what you want her to do and not do.

Once you've gotten that done, speak to your WW again and tell her that you want the full truth or you are leaving. Insist on a polygraph test if that is a possibility where you live. Do not settle for anything less than what you believe to be honest answers.

If she is forthcoming, give her your list and ask her if she is willing to comply with it in order to repair the marriage. If she is, and you believe that she is genuinely remorseful, you can give her another chance.

If she balks, start to put your plan in motion: file for divorce, separate, etc.

The point is that you are in control of your life, so take control. Decide what you need and go get those things. Don't sit around hoping for the best in the face of what appears to be your WW's serial infidelities.

I take it that you don't have children. If this is so, I would set a very high bar for her and, if she slips in any regard, I would leave her. Why spend your life with someone you can't trust and who doesn't give you what you need?

By my last sentence I meant that your waiting and spying game could backfire on you. She seems to have been pretty good at doing things behind your back and getting away with it. If she continues and you don't catch her right away, you could find yourself in a worse place a few years from now (more emotionally involved, perhaps with children, and having a harder time starting over).

Your situation is not unique. In fact, most BSs feel exactly like you do -- they badly want everything to be the way it was, failing to realize that infidelity in whatever form forever changes the relationship and requires total commitment, honesty and willingness to change on the part of both spouses for the marriage to survive and eventually thrive. The ones who go on to have a better life -- either with their WS or with someone else -- are the people who demand to know the truth and then make sensible decisions based on the truth.

Hope this helps.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

The life you are living is not good but i do understand. A wife that cheated and then goes on trips for work, simply put, suc*s. If your gut is causing this anxiety I would not dismiss it as others have stated. I have a friend who lost his wife a few years back and he is now retired. If I was in your situation my fiend would go on a trip for me. When I was going through my situation and living apart from my wife during the week as I moved for a promotion, my friend was willing to check on my wife. As it turned out I discovered what my wife was doing before we could put our plan into action. He was going to be my free P.I. For my sanity I would suggest several things. Can you afford a P.I.? If so hire one. Can you do a surprise visit?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

WM,

I'm at about the same length of time as you - in R with my WW. Every R situation is different, but I'll tell you what I'm doing.

First, my wife continues to show remorse and has throughout the R. That is an absolute must. If your WW has done the same, so far so good.

My wife was a HS teacher. I felt her work environment was toxic, as a number of her teacher friends were cheaters. If you understand the public school system; it's similar to hospitals. Infidelity is common place. The POSOM was the husband of the Guidance Counselor there.

So, we made arrangements for her to retire at the end of the school year. She is now an empty-nester housewife. But now, she has all this free time while I'm at work. I chose that as the better of two less than perfect situations. But I know her; it's the socializing with the wrong friends that I worry about the most. She does some part time work occasionally, and may eventually get another job, but if she does, it won't be without my agreement.

I've insisted she go no contact with any of her friends that were cheaters, so she doesn't have many close friends now. That's too bad for her, but a consequence she will have to live with. 

I still monitor her, but not as much as I used to. I've established new boundaries and she's accepted them;but I know I can't control her every move nor should I. With every passing month, my trust increases a notch. 

That said, I think at some point you will realize like me, that there just comes a point where you have to stop worrying so much. You'll get to a resigned indifference; understanding that if your wife wants to cheat bad enough, she can find a way to do it. No matter what you do. 

And hopefully, you'll also understand that if she does cheat again; you'll be better equipped to find out about it and know how to react. You should take some comfort in knowing that next time, there will be no ambiguity in your mind or her mind, about the consequences. 

Hang in there. If your wife is truly remorseful; you have a "chance" for a successful R. Since you and I have chosen that path, that's the best we can hope for.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> Can you do a surprise visit?


A few weeks back she was away on a 4 day event, and I did just that, they were only an hour and a half away and I had an early finish for once and knew her day was an early one too, Saturday night is normally party night so to speak and I kept her thinking I was still working and wouldn't be finished until late, got there just after 9:30 pm and crept into the back of the truck and then with my phone on silent and vibrate turned off I text to ask what she was up to, she text me back 13minutes later(longest 13 minutes of my life!!) telling me she was in the shower and was getting ready for bed and was about to make coffee and then get in to bed, I simply replied to that sleep well and goodnight, she then replied goodnight, waited another 30 minutes to see if she was in fact stringing me along and really getting ready for the party but guess what, nothing, she had done everything she told me she was doing and was in bed when I asked her if she wanted a surprise, and then crept outside and banged on the door as though I had just got there, she was ver happy to see me standing there in her PJs LOL, and no there was no way for her to know my whereabouts as my colleagues had left the yard before me and my cell is basic and nothing more than text and call type so no GPRS to track either.

Perhaps I should look into polygraphs in my area for when she gets back or maybe I should just wait for her to move with her job and let her go and move further away and break all contact?

I don't know?


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

badmemory said:


> Hang in there. If your wife is truly remorseful; you have a "chance" for a successful R. Since you and I have chosen that path, that's the best we can hope for.


She does seem genuinely remorseful and seems to be trying hard to make a vested effort in our relationship, I think this is why I am at such a cross roads, not wanting to throw it away but not wanting to risk being betrayed and further hurt by her.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

wranglerman said:


> She does seem genuinely remorseful and seems to be trying hard to make a vested effort in our relationship, I think this is why I am at such a cross roads, not wanting to throw it away but not wanting to risk being betrayed and further hurt by her.


It's understandable. All BS's have their own time frame before those mind movies start diminishing. A year and a half is not terribly long. 

They say (I'm not sure who "they is) that is can take 2 to 5 years for a BS to get past an A. Usually if there is a problem, it's because the CS is not doing the heavy lifting, but if I'm understanding you, that's not the problem.That situation where you "caught" her being faithful, should have earned her another trust chip.

I would suggest talking to her about your feelings, if you haven't. Tell her you're still struggling and that she needs to be patient with you; and continue to demonstrate remorse. See how she reacts. If she is supportive, that's just another reaffirmation of her willingness to do the heavy lifting.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

We got to chat for a bit on the phone today and she sounds quite sad to be away, I mentioned last night to her about the underwear and how I was a little concerned but she took the time to reassure me that my fears were unfounded and that it has a lot more to do with comfort in the summer heat than anything thing else.

And she has talked today about me quitting my job here and taking my truck licence and working for the same guy driving the truck and doing all the heavy stuff as he is considering expanding his rides and take on more owners horses that could see him in the Olympics in 2016, seems as though she is taking a vested interest in reducing any time apart between us and all of this is without any input from me!!!


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

I had a call from the guy my W works for today and when they get back on Monday he wants to sit down and talk to me about going over and working for him driving and doing the stables etc,

Maybe this is the break we need to begin to work out the past and put less distance between us so to speak.

We shall see how it goes Monday........


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Great, am sort of excited but sort of feel crappy about her getting home in a few hours, since about 10pm my head has been spinning and I can't stop wanting to have it out with her about everything, being home alone with lots of time to think has not been super good for me as I have been over thinking and over analyzing moments and details from the past and it is hurting me, my stomach is turning in knots and I feel as though I am loosing my mind, mind movies replaying and replaying, remembering moments when I know she was supposed to be in our marriage but was busy getting her fill of sexy messaging him.

I really am not sure I wanna take much more of this.

I feel like I am torturing myself, over and over and over again trying to get to the bottom of it. I'm not sure who has damaged me more? Her actions or my own inability to let go of the past that has hurt me so much.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Wranglerman, any progress? Hope things are getting better.


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## Flygirl (Apr 9, 2013)

wranglerman said:


> As it says really.
> 
> I am trying very hard to be stable and appear as though everything is normal, but inside I am torn between screaming out loud about my inner hurt and breaking down in tears.
> 
> ...


Not sure if this helps but anytime I pack to go away I throw several styles and colors of underwear in my suitcase because my choice in underwear depends on the style and color of shorts or pants I'm wearing. Same thing with bra's. As far as bathing suits go, I wouldn't wear a one piece unless I was at home swimming in my own pool. I don't even own a one piece.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I don't know where you live, and where your wife works, but grooms, wear pretty sloppy clothes, and wear what they need, depending on weather, and what they are doing

If she is hand walking, or actually has horses, bathes, and rubs/mucks and feeds them, then that is different

I don't know about parties, but I own race horses, and also have horses at a show barn---and no grooms ever get invited to the owners/trainers parties---exercise riders, maybe, but grooms---no

Maybe your wife's trainer, goes by a different standard

The underwear she would need, would be whatever keeps her comfortable, while she works the stall and cares for the horse---so I guess its whatever she would be comfortable in---but I certainly can see no reason, to wear fancy or nice underwear

Grooms, do associate with and drink with and party with other grooms, and riders, and guys who work around the show or track

I don't know what happened your 1st go/round, but you are not gonna/may never trust her again---it goes with the territory

You have to decide if this is the way you wanna live the rest of your life----she has breached your trust, caused you to lose peace of mind, and taken away the carefree ways you once lived under---again it goes with the territory---those things will not return if you stay with her---she has taken them from you---you will only become free again, upon getting a D------Again it is all up to you, and what you are willing to live with for the rest of your life as long as you stay with this woman

I will tell you this---life around the racetrack, and in show barns is pretty social for the grooms, exercise riders, and hot walkers---they really spend most all of their time with each other----and the whole situation breeds, hot sex, and switching partners---most of these people are not/never do get married, and they basically are free, they have little or no responsibility beyond the horses they work with, they willingly live the life of a person with no goals other than to live/do their job/enjoy life as best they can


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## r0r0bin (Jul 13, 2013)

I just read your thread, have you followed up this new red flag?


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Lots of discussions have been and gone in the last week, and lots of questions have been answered satisfactorily.

I had my sit down with the rider when they got back and I casually spoke about acceptable behavior of staff in general.

Actually got a bit of a shock, he does not and will not tolerate staff indiscretions and especially when on tour, he made a point to me about hiring my wife based on the fact that she is married and will have a higher moral standard than younger teenage girls/guys who will fvck almost anything with a pulse when the wine is flowing, he has high standards and makes sure they are all a team but makes it well known that the barn is a jumping stables not a wh*re house.

My wife and I have talked through lots of concerns but it seems my concerns are unfounded, and every answer was logical and with seeming sound reasoning, the underwear, well my bad really, she actually pointed out that thongs are comfartable for the summer and if I had actually looked hard enough I would have seen that she had chucked a lot of the old stuff out in readiness for end of season sales shopping trip coming up next week.

I am not sure if I am fishing in an empty stream lately as she has made so much more of an effort and not just because I am highlighting things but because the is a willingness to put the past into the past and build a better future.

I will never forget what I have learned from TAMs CWI fora but maybe it is time I got over the past and lived for my future, posting on someone elses thread brought back a memory and made me ask myself a question, why was it that when there no emotional upheaval I could have let her go on her merry way and got on with life but when she hurts me by cheating I can't bear to let her go? 

Answer.

When I was hurt by the betrayal of trust I became vulnerable, and weak.

Time to grow strong again, mentally, emotionally and physically.

Need to focus on me and and my marriage, not keep dragging up the past, also need to deal with things as I see them not wait for things to swing in the wrong direction.


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