# Can anyone tell me how to deal with forgiving after emotional affair?



## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Thanks for viewing my post. I am trying to see if I can work on things in my marraige or wether I should go.

One of the issues that bothers me is that shortly after we were married(three years into our marraige) I went to bring lunch to my hubby and found a love note in his stuff. When I approached him with this, he was like, oh, it was some girl in the office. He never paid it any attention. Well I was quite aware that he flirted for attention and it went too far.

When I was pregnant with our son,six years in the marrraige. He was telling me all about this girl at work who was confused about her sexual identity and how she confided in him. Harmless flirtation going on. Then one day they had to go to a training class with four other men, she was the only female. Call it raging hormones, but I was not happy about the situation and told him that I did not want him talking anymore to her as her conversations were getting more personal. When he returns that night, I find out not only did he get to ride two hours in a car with her, but she was his training partner for the whole day.
He said he had no choice,but I found it to be too convenient.

When our kids were five and six, he took on a part time job on the weekends. One of our mutual friends also worked with him. He started coming home and telling me, it isn't anything big, it is the little stuff. He was not happy. This seemed to increase after him working on the weekends.On my birthday, I got the phone bill and found out he had been talking to this woman for six hours at a time.She was calling him at work daily and visa versa.I called her up and told her I was the wife and if she was sleeping with my hubby, I deserved to know,I have two kids to consider.I had to leave message as she did not answer, she called the hubby and had left him a message,which he did not get until later. When he came home, I asked him about the number and he denied it. Then I said lets dial it shall we? Then he confessed that they had been talking and she had left her husband and she could see why he was so unhappy.blah blah.
I told him that we were supposed to be going out for my birthday so all I want to discuss was custody of the kids and how fast he could be out.

He was totally floored. The OW did end up calling me back and told me they were just friends and that they only talked. The next day, I found porn pics sent from her to him(not of her). The following week, I found out that he had gone to her house to fix her tire. He stated it was over yet she continued to call.

She also ended up having to come over to our home so he could complete some work for her. I found this to be too much to ask of me, but I did it as I wanted to save me family.

Now years have passed, and I find that I can not get over it. My frustration come from not knowing how far it went. He says they never even kissed but it is hard to believe after all the stuff. She insisted they never did anything either.When I ask what happened when you went to the house, he states I don't remember, this just lets my mind wander even more. He does have ADHD, but I think he knew what he was doing.
How do you get past it, how do you forgive the indescrstions. I took my vows seriously and now that he knows I have one foot out the door, he is trying everything to keep me here.He says he was stupid back then and that he was imature. Nothing has happened since then and at the time, he did not realize he was in an emotional affair. 

I can't seem to get pass this and was wondering if anyone had any good advice?


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

A friend told me he learnt how to move on after his wife's affair by thinking forward only, he did not dwell in the past or bring up events even the good ones, he was not certain if they were actually good as this was during his wife’s affair period (over 2 years).

They are still together 5 years later. Initially she used to get peeved if he changed the topic of discussion, later on he told me she came to accept some topics or areas were a trigger and should be avoided. He seems OK now. 

Today she says the worst mistake in her life was the affair.. 

I guess you forgive to move on, but never forget.


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

I am worried that I will be in your position in a few years. I have only recently found out about my wife's EA and she seems to want to work on our marriage but I am still wary. At the moment I can't see myself ever forgetting or moving past this but I know I must try.

Wisp is right though you have to look forward, nothing will ever get those years back. My wife's EA lasted 2 years and it feels like everything in those 2 years is tainted. We could leave our spouses but I don't think that will stop the hurt - wherever we end up it will always be there and you won't have your spouse either. The only way I can see is to look forward with your spouse and try and get it all back, that way it is easier to dismiss the EA as it only made you stronger.

take comfort in the fact he stayed with you, everyone makes mistakes - let him make up for his and concentrate on your future best you can. He is there doing everything he can, like some I don't feel my wife's heart or desire is in our marriage and she is not giving me any visual/verbal signs of wanting or needing me. Take heart in his efforts, it sounds like he loves you and wants you.


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

the past is past. Look forward. He still chooses you over her. Build happy memory from this day onwards.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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