# Wife would not accept present



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Okay so I already have some sort of a plan but would love to hear your input:

I got my wife a nice present, not that expensive and we can afford it. But she has a very hard time accepting presents. If you ever read the "surrendered wife" one of the main point in that book is knowing how to accept graciously. Well, that book (not only that part) was written for my wife. She has such a low self esteem that I can go nuts. This is how I started the nice guy journey after realizing she will always try to control me due to her insecurity and unless I do something I will be in a very bad marriage.

Anyways, I got her the present as a surprise, after finding out exactly what she needed (I knew there was no way she will keep something not exactly her taste... again, back to knowing how to accept - not by her!) and almost as soon as she saw it she told me she will return it.

"I want something really big so I'd rather save money of that"
- Don't worry, you will get that too, we have the ability to afford that, but enjoy this things you really like!

"How can I keep it when I need so many basic bla bla bla"
- You can buy these basic things any day! The fact you didn't buy yourself anything in the past year since you are not happy with your weight (again, insecurity, never happy with self etc.) doesn't mean you shouldn't enjoy this...

I am at a point that I want to send a secret email to her siblings to put pressure on her to keep it. I also want to say that this is the way to show me that she loves me back for all of the effort that took in finding out what she likes and getting it.

She really likes it, but that crazy feeling of "I don't deserve it" which lays beneath her refusal to keep it just drives me insane!

Any advice?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

You’re giving your wife the present so that you feel good and you look good in her eyes and in the eyes of others. But your wife doesn’t want the present so neither of you feel good about it. And now you are upset! Why don’t you just work with your wife to help get her what she’s telling you she really wants? Your wife is able to “delay her gratification”. To save and wait for what she really wants. Delayed gratification is a tremendously mature trait and a terrific quality to have in a wife. Basically it means she will not spend money she doesn’t have! It is a blessing for a husband whose wife has that quality.

But if your wife is kind of putting you down for thinking on her in your own special way then it’s easy to see why you are upset.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

AFEH is right that you should sort out if you're doing this for you or her.

Secondly, sending the 'secret' email I could only think would promote and environment of distrust and continue with 'hiding' this issue (and perhaps others). Not that you want people to publicly 'gang up ' on her, but the secret stuff is not the way to go IMHO.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I don`t know why she can`t simply keep the gift if for no other reason than common courtesy even if it was something she had no interest in (which you say is not the case)

It does sound like she has some deeper problem.

Over the years my wife has given me many gifts that really held no interest for me but I always thank her and express my appreciation that she was thinking of me as I accept the gift.

It`s kind of a no-brainer.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

josh,

Let her be an idiot and return it.

She'll have to live with herself.

"I picked it for you because I realized you wanted it and I wanted you to have it. What you choose to do with it is entirely up to you."


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

josh,

Let her be an idiot and return it.

She'll have to live with herself.

"I picked it for you because I realized you wanted it and I wanted you to have it. What you choose to do with it is entirely up to you."


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Here is what bothers me. It's not this specific present, it's the fact that my wife doesn't know how to accept a present - any present!!! - with grace. I always feel its because deep below the surface there is this very strong emotional issue that "I should never accept this gift because if I accept I will not get anymore / not get things I wanted / show that I am volunurable or whatever.

I feel its very important to some how persuade her to keep it, and that can be a great beginning of her finally learning how to accept gifts...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

josh,

Stop.

Read your words.

Parent/child

Don't go there.

Let her return it and feel bad about herself for doing it. If you persuade/cajole/etc. you will look "needy" for her to accept.

Far too high a price.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

She sounds like a penny pincher. It is a way of life.
You two may wind up quite wealthy by old age if you stay together and keep the romance alive.

You know, I think there might be other ways to show her you adore her. Maybe you could ask her if she would like to go on a picnic with you or to go park somewhere and watch a sunset or if she's like a foot massage....or all three!

so many possibilities!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Interesting, I had (have) a reversed problem somewhat with the missus. In the past I always reject the times when she buys stuff for me or cooks for me or does something without expecting anything in return because my brain operated on based on street experience; accepting a gift or favor means accepting a debt to repay.

It took the missus years to gain my trust until I was able to accept her gifts and reciprocate without the feeling of "repaying a debt/favor". So back to your wife, it could very well be similar; it's not that she feels undeservant, but that she doesn't want to be controlled in that manner.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Some people hate presents. Accept that and move on. 

Its sounds to me like she needs counseling for 

1. Weight loss 
2. Self esteem
3. Depression

All of those things can be overcome. The gift thing is small compared to that list. 

Good luck


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I can relate. My ever suffering martyr wife has turned down diamond and gold jewelery on many occasions. Sniff the tears, honey.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

joshbjoshb said:


> Here is what bothers me. It's not this specific present, it's the fact that my wife doesn't know how to accept a present - any present!!! - with grace. I always feel its because deep below the surface there is this very strong emotional issue that "I should never accept this gift because if I accept I will not get anymore / not get things I wanted / show that I am volunurable or whatever.
> 
> I feel its very important to some how persuade her to keep it, and that can be a great beginning of her finally learning how to accept gifts...


You familiar with the "5 Love Languages"? Maybe your wife is like me, and 'gifts' are at the bottom of her love language.

What love language is she? That should be the one you should work on 'speaking' in.

Oh, and quit giving her presents out of the blue.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

So glad to see I am not the only one suffering from this!

Conrad, I am not trying to be my wife's father, but I do try to help her with her emotional problems! And I feel that when she will learn to accept presents she will be a happier person. And since I love her, I would like to make her happy.

You say let her suffer from her actions. You are right. I let her do that for too long. Since I started manning up, I see a very positive change in her. She is happier - I guess she finally found that leader she was looking for - but we still have a road to go. I feel that gently pushing her to do that extra step will be very good for her.

Thanks RD for sharing it with me! Now it makes me feel that this might be part of the problem - she doesn't trust me that all I want is truly to make her happy.

Why were you like that? Were you betrayed as a child? I am trying to figure my wife's childhood out and I think she was never really loved. Her mother is so stressed out and so unsecured herself, so she was busy protecting herself and not nurture her children.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

At Christmas, my DH will end up with a huge pile of presents around him when we're all done opening ours, because he doesn't want people to look at him opening (receiving) a present. And when he gives me something any other time except for the ritualized Christmas thing, he will leave it in front of me and expect me to see it, open it, and thank him for it, all without any input from him - he will NEVER just hand me a present. It's like I'm on exhibit. I've always known these have to do with his self esteem issues, but it really makes me unhappy.

If you're manning up, why not just tell her the truth: "You hurt my feelings when you reject something I know you want. Trust me to know that we can afford it, and accept that someone can want YOU to be happy by giving you a gift." If she still refuses, let it go.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, for me, a childhood on the street does that to people heh, and yes I was betrayed in the past, many times. Trusting people became extremely difficult; To this day I still don't trust people's word but what I myself trust them to do - I take every betrayal as my fault for not listening to my intuition sooner. Trust however, can still be earned - like what the missus did.

I'm the worst case scenario however, I'm sure your wife ain't as difficult as me. But even if she is, I'm sure the same rule stands; earn the trust, and that just takes time and consistency. Prove that her accepting your gift isn't going to bite her in the behind later.

Remember too, that during fights, never bring up gifts. It made it difficult for me to accept gifts for a time when during fights all she does is go "I got you this, I did this for you" etc. The missus still has that problem but has improved somewhat over the years dealing with me, and I've come to accept more of her affection. Not perfect though, but that's just how it is.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Thanks for sharing it with me. It's enlightening!

It does drive me cray that my wife, who grew up in a "normal" situation, is so scared, so insecured and so not trusting as if she was abused her entire life!!!!!!!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Perhaps there's a trauma she's not able to deal with at this moment - and needs help with. One thing I have noticed is that most people can't handle being an ice cube in boiling water - so to speak. 

Over time after a few such experiences one hardens up but for the most part - many people have gone through traumas that may have broken them somewhat no matter how big or how little. If it's a little thing, then it's a problem because she may figure that "it's not important" "it's minor" when the problem is actually eating at her slowly.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There could be a million reasons she does this. You may never know what they are (but hopefully you will learn them). But the fact is, she does. So move forward accepting that, and find ways to make it tolerable.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Perhaps there's a trauma she's not able to deal with at this moment - and needs help with. One thing I have noticed is that most people can't handle being an ice cube in boiling water - so to speak.
> 
> Over time after a few such experiences one hardens up but for the most part - many people have gone through traumas that may have broken them somewhat no matter how big or how little. If it's a little thing, then it's a problem because she may figure that "it's not important" "it's minor" when the problem is actually eating at her slowly.


She is not able to deal with anything at any moment! Anytime some emotions are coming up, she is blowing up. It just drives me crazy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She needs to be seeing a therapist.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

joshbjoshb said:


> She is not able to deal with anything at any moment! Anytime some emotions are coming up, she is blowing up. It just drives me crazy.


Are you staying calm and holding her accountable?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Agreed.


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