# Women with money, what is the reality?



## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

I have another thread about money issues with my wife, but I am wondering what other men face?

Growing up my mom was a stay at home mom, but I saw her sewing clothes for us, collecting coupons, never demanding anything, and she handled all of the money. My dad worked, she paid the bills etc.

So, I had this picture in my mind of what a marriage would be. 2 people on the same page, working together, having the same goals, saving, investing, thinking of the future together etc.

But now that I am married, it seems it is sort of me vs my wife.. She has no real care of saving for the future, frugality, what I make, what we save, etc. She just sort of seems to be there for the ride, thinking everything is magically paid, and me having to say no to certain things , which leads to her making a fuss, or "feeling controlled". She thinks of what makes her happy in the moment, instead of what is best for the family unit. 

If it was just my experience, I would chalk it up to a bad wife. But it seems all of my friends have similar complaints.. Some wives stay at home and waste money.. Some wives work and keep all their earnings for themselves.. Other working wives run up more debt than they make. 

Long story short, I do not know any married men who feel like real partners with their wives. Is that the reality today? Or do many men and women work together in sync and are on the same page? Or are men and women just vastly different in how they view money and saving?


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> I have another thread about money issues with my wife, but I am wondering what other men face?
> 
> Growing up my mom was a stay at home mom, but I saw her sewing clothes for us, collecting coupons, never demanding anything, and she handled all of the money. My dad worked, she paid the bills etc.
> 
> ...


Hi! I am a stay at home mom with 2 girls. My husband makes a very good salary but in California that doesn't really go very far. 

I don't have income coming in so I do what I can to help out. I sat down with him and did Financial Peace University. I am in charge of the cash budget and I dole out money to HIM after he hands me the money on the first of the month. When I go grocery shopping, I write down prices and total it before I even leave so I know what I am spending. We have a clothing budget that I follow judiciously. 

I don't think it comes down to gender lines. While I enjoy clothes and shoes, I do not go shopping for myself on a regular basis. My husband, on the other hand, likes gizmos and DVDs and he buys lots of stuff for his law enforcement job (binoculars, flashlights, clothing, gloves for searches.) 

We ranked our important financial goals (paying off the cars, having a certain amount in our savings and retirement, traveling) and luckily we matched up pretty closely. 

If two people don't have the same goals for their money...then of course there will be strife. All women are not spenders; all savers are not men.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I think there's just a general climate of selfishness pervading most marriages that wasn't quite as apparent in earlier generations. Shows up as adultery, financial squabbles, sex-withholding, and just about every other frequently encountered complication.
Every kid is being taught they are "special" and receive daily validation because they've mastered breathing. Such a climate doesn't produce team players or servants and marriage is all about service and teamwork. Add to that the fact that a great many married partners grew up in a single-parent household and never even saw what a healthy male/female partnership looked like.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> I think there's just a general climate of selfishness pervading most marriages that wasn't quite as apparent in earlier generations. Shows up as adultery, financial squabbles, sex-withholding, and just about every other frequently encountered complication.
> Every kid is being taught they are "special" and receive daily validation because they've mastered breathing. Such a climate doesn't produce team players or servants and marriage is all about service and teamwork. Add to that the fact that a great many married partners grew up in a single-parent household and never even saw what a healthy male/female partnership looked like.


What makes it even more confusing is that I fell in love with a woman who had a traditional family, parents were married for 48 years.

After a few years of marriage and listening to family stories, her dad was passive and her mom was a controlling narcissist. 
I am hoping all of this did not rub off on my wife too much, but I already see the signs.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Ya,sorry your going through this.Been married to my wife
for close to 25yrs and sadly I still can,t let her handle
any of the financial part of bills except for food.

I pay almost everything and she really has no clue how 
lucky she is.If I wasn't so good at money managing
we would have been totally broke years ago.

I hope it gets better for you,but i,m doubtful.My wife got worse as the years went buy and I told her the next credit card
she runs in the thousands I will divorce her.My wife was very sneaky,she hid credit card bills before I seen them.

Good Luck


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Lol, yes food is the only bill my wife pays as well after I give her the money.

Here is an example of what infuriates me. I decided to take my family on an all inclusive vacation. I researched, picked the place, found the best deal, and paid for it.. I asked her to do one thing.. call the resort to see if they have baby food. her reply was "Of course they have it".. I said "can you please call and ask".. She says "I hate making these of calls". 

My wife has no care about our insurance bills, taxes, payments, savings, etc etc..

I wake up at 6 and run a business.. In charge of marketing.. Sales.. Website.. Buying materials.. Collecting money.. hiring,, Firing,,Estimates. Scheduling.. And even doing a lot of the physical work. 

She googles hair styles all day.. Vacations.. Jewelry.. And is on Facebook. 

She isn't looking up where good schools are... Good nutrition for our child..How to save money.. Thinking of how to help me.. She is just in her own little world. 

Sometimes when it is freezing rain out and I am outside all day working resentment builds.. She doesn't even seem happy or thankful.. More or less it is my obligation..


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Some people will be as lazy as you allow them to be. How about next time, give her a vacation budget and she plans it. If she neglects to do so, no family vacation. If she does a lousy job of it, it's on her. If Facebook is too much of a distraction, you pay the internet bill. Shut it off. She may just need some consequences to associate with her passive behavior. She can only be as lazy and uninvolved as you allow.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

coffee4me said:


> You have not said one positive thing about your wife. If she is such a terrible woman and such a tremendous burden to you; I sincerely think you should divorce her- if she ever comes home.


Well, I do not want to get a divorce..I am questioning myself and wondering if I am unreasonable or if these things are normal in many marriages. 

Wondering how to fix these issues.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Start with canceling the Internet.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Your idea of what a wife is supposed to be comes from watching your parents. That's where your wife got her view of what a wife does, by watching her's. You both had very different parents. If you behave like her father (rather passive) you make it a near certainty that she'll assume the role of her mother (controlling narcissist). 
Aren't the financial issues just a symptom of the larger problem (her own sense of entitlement and her disrespect/lack of appreciation for you)? 
Where was your wife supposed to learn a better way of being a wife? 
You saw your parents cooperating, working toward goals. Maybe that was because they married someone of similar character and values as themselves. Did you? I also wouldn't overlook the possibility that your own parents may have had their own drama that didn't take place in front of you or that they worked through before you came along.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Your idea of what a wife is supposed to be comes from watching your parents. That's where your wife got her view of what a wife does, by watching her's. You both had very different parents. If you behave like her father (rather passive) you make it a near certainty that she'll assume the role of her mother (controlling narcissist).
> Aren't the financial issues just a symptom of the larger problem (her own sense of entitlement and her disrespect/lack of appreciation for you)?
> Where was your wife supposed to learn a better way of being a wife?
> You saw your parents cooperating, working toward goals. Maybe that was because they married someone of similar character and values as themselves. Did you? I also wouldn't overlook the possibility that your own parents may have had their own drama that didn't take place in front of you or that they worked through before you came along.


Good points..

My dad was not passive, but more or less they were on the same page.. And yes they were married about 12 years before they had me, and dated 5 years prior. 

That's all I want.. I want her to be happy, yet also fully understand what I do, and how it is for our own well being.. Not me "being controlling".


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## ggtam000 (Aug 9, 2012)

i feel your pain. I just met with a girl who is really pain in the ass in regards with money. Almost all aspect in life, it is quite hard to deal with her. She spends like no limit and accuses me about talking money all the time. It is like she does not care about money and thinks like i am a cold capitalist. Of course nothing is further from that. Being prudent is finance is a virtue and spending like no limit is quite evil. I believe in saving for a rainy day as I come through hardships in life however she just does not get it. 

Now I agree on the fact that not all women are spenders and men are savers. However I believe women are more likely to be stigmatized for being spenders than men. Women whose greed goes out of control generally acts like a witch doing things like digs gold after running wealthy and men whose greed goes out of control can be evil like easy money with gambling / drugs, corruption, ponzi scheme. 


Thanks,


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Your wife can call you a tuna sandwich. It doesn't change who you are. Talking to your wife about family finances isn't "controlling" it's necessary and it would be irresponsibile not to.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

ggtam000 said:


> i feel your pain. I just met with a girl who is really pain in the ass in regards with money. Almost all aspect in life, it is quite hard to deal with her. She spends like no limit and accuses me about talking money all the time. It is like she does not care about money and thinks like i am a cold capitalist. Of course nothing is further from that. Being prudent is finance is a virtue and spending like no limit is quite evil. I believe in saving for a rainy day as I come through hardships in life however she just does not get it.
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks,



Exactly.. That is what it turns into.. "All you care about is money"

Every girl I dated seemed to be like that, which is why I wonder how many men these days are married to a stay at home wife raising a child that has an active care in saving, the future, turning down gifts, not expecting too much etc. Does that exist? Something like "Great honey, can we not do X and out it into savings for us?"

Or am I from another planet and asking too much?


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## colotnk (Feb 3, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> Exactly.. That is what it turns into.. "All you care about is money"
> 
> Every girl I dated seemed to be like that, which is why I wonder how many men these days are married to a stay at home wife raising a child that has an active care in saving, the future, turning down gifts, not expecting too much etc. Does that exist? Something like "Great honey, can we not do X and out it into savings for us?"
> 
> Or am I from another planet and asking too much?


No, you're not asking for too much. There are many other couples out there who work together financially. Your views of the world are filtered by your experience and perhaps you only notice situations similar to yours.

Your wife seems to take advantage of the situation. Maybe you should let her shoulder some responsibilities and have clear consequences when she doesn't fulfill them.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Well, here's the opposite viewpoint!

My STBXH was a spend-thrift! Didn't matter when I was a SAHM, or a working-wife, or a working-mom....he ALWAYS spent (on himself) MORE than we could afford. And lied. And hid. 

Finally walked out on him! Bills are PAID on time every month without his ass WASTING money! I have savings! Spent 10 years TOO LONG with him!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

nevergveup said:


> Ya,sorry your going through this.Been married to my wife
> for close to 25yrs and sadly I still can,t let her handle
> any of the financial part of bills except for food.
> 
> ...


Could have been written by my H, except I do know how lucky I am. I tell him all the time he is not allowed to die before me because I cannot be trusted with bills and money.

Ive been a SAHM, a working Mom and now back to SAHM. When I was working, I had my own checking account and I was responsible for my own credit card, groceries, and utilities. I hated paying those bills so I just set up auto pay and the money was deducted automatically each month. Then Id have to pay extra some times when those bills got higher than what I averaged. I did manage to keep my credit card from maxing! But I also used my credit card to pay for some household repair stuff that H was supposed to pay for.

I love not having to deal with money!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

When I was married (a lifetime ago), I had to take charge of the finances because my H was a spend thrift. I used to stick to tight budget, noting every purchase in a book and meticulously kept a check on our bank account to make sure we didn't go overdrawn. It didn't stop him writing out bouncy cheques, though, so in the end I had to take charge of the cheque book, too...

Burning money isn't gender specific, and it's totally soul destroying when one partner won't stick to a budget.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Rampant materialism. 
Keeping up with the Joneses. 
Confusing wants with needs. 
No understanding of interest charges. 
Spending patterns learned as a child. 

Any one of those things can be a problem. 

Personally, my wife sucks with money. Her attitude towards money was formed when she was a child. She came to see a budget as a source of deprivation. When her parents argued about the budget it meant they had to do without things because money was tight. You would think that as an adult she would have realized that the budget wasn't the cause of the deprivation. That isn't the case though. She has such strong associations between budgets and fighting and deprivation that she will not participate in one. She has many hang ups from her childhood that she can't get past.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

VermisciousKnid said:


> Rampant materialism.
> Keeping up with the Joneses.
> Confusing wants with needs.
> No understanding of interest charges.
> ...


When in fact a budget and sound financial planning is the only road to financial freedom.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Cosmos said:


> When in fact a budget and sound financial planning is the only road to financial freedom.


Exactly. I remember reading an article about how different people built their retirement nest eggs. There was a farmer, a teacher, and some other people of modest means. The common thread was that they all had budgets and long term goals. A few of them had to downsize or take drastic steps to meet their goals. The kicker is that when I had my wife read the article she thought that their lives sounded awful. The idea of saying "no, we can't afford this" to herself is too painful for her. My reaction was, "we can learn from those people."


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

VermisciousKnid said:


> .
> 
> Personally, my wife sucks with money. Her attitude towards money was formed when she was a child. She came to see a budget as a source of deprivation. When her parents argued about the budget it meant they had to do without things because money was tight. You would think that as an adult she would have realized that the budget wasn't the cause of the deprivation. That isn't the case though. She has such strong associations between budgets and fighting and deprivation that she will not participate in one. She has many hang ups from her childhood that she can't get past.


My dad made a LOT of money and my Mom spent everything she could on the most absurd things imaginable! The fights! UGH!

My dad made a terrible investment and lost everything, was working his way back and then he died, leaving my Mom nearly broke.

That happened pretty early in my marriage and I learned that lesson well! I leave the finances up to him to manage. I worry about wanting things, and subsequently getting things, that we really shouldn't be spending on and that he has given in just to make me happy. It's such an odd thing. I want, I voice, I get, then I'm worried that I got when I shouldn't have gotten? So again, I just have to trust that he is making the right decisions.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> My dad made a LOT of money and my Mom spent everything she could on the most absurd things imaginable! The fights! UGH!
> 
> My dad made a terrible investment and lost everything, was working his way back and then he died, leaving my Mom nearly broke.
> 
> That happened pretty early in my marriage and I learned that lesson well! I leave the finances up to him to manage. I worry about wanting things, and subsequently getting things, that we really shouldn't be spending on and that he has given in just to make me happy. It's such an odd thing. I want, I voice, I get, then I'm worried that I got when I shouldn't have gotten? So again, I just have to trust that he is making the right decisions.


If you got and the budget allows for it, what's the harm? That's why budgeting is such a great tool. You identify and account for what is necessary and take care of it first. Then the remaining money can be used safely without causing a problem. I would examine my impulses if I was getting things that I didn't use, though. 

I'm really big on separating needs from wants and prioritizing expenditures. For instance, my wife wants a new car but we also need to replace the windows in our house. Her current car is fine though, and the windows are falling apart. And she is conveniently forgetting that she complains about the sticky, drafty windows all winter, and that our last home appraisal noted that "windows are functionally obsolete". Psychologically she is thinking "I can't believe we have to spend $5000 on new windows. Yuck!" So I have to be the bad guy and say the car has to wait until the windows are paid for.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

I agree some men probably spend too much as well.. I was saying women, because in my case, and in many the man is the primary bread winner. More or less I mean the non income earning stay at home parent.

If they have little care for future saving, is it because they do not foresee a future with you? Is that reading too much into it?

Or they just take for granted money will always be flowing in, and it really does not matter.?


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Well,sadly your wife sees you as the responsible money one.
A whole marriage of this with my wife and I still don't get
any help.

I doubt your wife will change.I know mine never will be truly
frugal with saving money.Even though I have life insurance,
I fear in I passed and everything's paid for,if you don't manage
money properly you can end up broke.

There's so many people who win lotteries and 10 years later
have blown it all and have nothing from poor money management.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

marriedman321 said:


> Exactly.. That is what it turns into.. "All you care about is money"
> 
> Every girl I dated seemed to be like that, which is why I wonder how many men these days are married to a stay at home wife raising a child that has an active care in saving, the future, turning down gifts, not expecting too much etc. Does that exist? Something like "Great honey, can we not do X and out it into savings for us?"
> 
> Or am I from another planet and asking too much?


"All you care about is money!" is another way of saying "shut up". 
It's not a rational argument it's a completely baseless and goofy accusation. She has no idea what you think, feel, or believe. 
She knows by casting these ignorant accusations, you will cower down and she continues to sit on her throne instead of hopping down and being a wife. 
You can fix this but only if you're deadly serious about being respected. You have to want a respectful life badly enough to risk watching her walk out the door if you don't get it. If she knows you'll never leave no-matter-what, you might as well get fitted for a nose ring and be content for her to lead you around forever. 
She can partner and help set and meet family financial goals or you can arbitrarily do that yourself.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> "All you care about is money!" is another way of saying "shut up".
> It's not a rational argument it's a completely baseless and goofy accusation. She has no idea what you think, feel, or believe.
> She knows by casting these ignorant accusations, you will cower down and she continues to sit on her throne instead of hopping down and being a wife.


Exactly.. It becomes infuriating after a while. Or she says things like "You always want to argue", if I disagree with anything. 


And yes Frenchfry, she probably is bored. Which is also somewhat irritating to me. Am I working so hard to support someone to "be bored"?

And I tried to show her the bills, what we make, etc so many times and she has zero interest.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> I have another thread about money issues with my wife, but I am wondering what other men face?
> 
> Growing up my mom was a stay at home mom, but I saw her sewing clothes for us, collecting coupons, never demanding anything, and she handled all of the money. My dad worked, she paid the bills etc.
> 
> ...


You are absolutely correct. For 47 years there has been no his or her money it is our money...A checking account a savings account...period...It is the only way in a true marriage. My wife probably earned about 1 year of my pay during the entire marriage...I fed and clothed, and kept a roof over our heads, and now provided for a comfortable retirement.....She has managed the household, and the finances, and done an outstanding job....We are financially secure, have a comfortable home, several automobiles, an investment home, and a nice pleasure boat....

I could not have done this without her. She watched over our day to day expences with an eagle eye. I know she will get good value for every cent she spends, and can honestly say I have not even looked at a bank account book in years.....I trust her implicitly....As for spending, she is free to buy anything she desires. In fact I have to encourage her to spend more on herself....She likes clothes, and dresses really nicely, but often buys from thrift shops.....All this, and she is a beautiful loving and very sexy woman too. I thank God for finding her for me, as I am not nearly smart or lucky enough to get such a treasure on my own..... 


good luck
the woodchuck


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