# I need advice and help!!



## Sissnf1 (Jan 5, 2014)

My husband and I have been married for 15 1/2 years. The last 5 years has been really rocky. We are both to blame. 3 months ago my husband got caught having and affair with a co-worker. It was only an emotional affair, but they were planning on trying to find a way to have sex. Just had not found the right spot yet. The husband of the co-worker found the texts. He was not happy as you can imagine. But anyway after a lot of talking, he had me convinced he loved me and was sorry. He wanted to work things out with me. So we started counciling. Only had two sessions, then he just dropped the ball and wouldn't make another appointment. I have put my whole heart into trying to figure out and try everything I know how to show him I love him. He has done nothing but try to figure out how to leave the marriage. He says he has tried and when I ask him what he has done to try, he says I stayed. So I take from that, that I am the only one who is suppose to try and change. He can be a very mean spirited person at time, he is always so negative. Nothing is ever good enough for him. My problem is, I truely love him with all my heart and was willing to forgive him for the affair and do what ever I need to do to make him feel loved and want to stay in the marriage. He keeps telling me that he does not want a divorce he says that's the only option he sees. He brought divorce papers home the other night and set them on the counter. He didn't say anything I found them there. I asked him about them and he said he needed help filling them out. I told him I would not help him and he couldn't figure out why I was so upset. The last two days have been a nightmare for me and just don't know where to turn or what to do. I have told him several times this is not what I want. When I tell him that I love him he tells me ya whatever. Any advice would help. Please?


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Let him go if he wants to leave. That's his choice. If I was you, I would think of one of the following...(personally though, I've never been able to do the first one myself, so I'm giving advice based on what I have thought about before)

1. Sign the papers and become indifferent from him. Tell him you are giving him what he wants. Have a happy life Hubs. Pack his bags for him. Tell him it's over, and you're done with him. Don't say anything else or change your mind. The truth will come out this way..whether he truly wants to be with you or not. 

2. Don't sign the papers. Live a yo-yo lifestyle for years to come.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

he is playing you. 
you were under his thumb before Dday, you didnt know so he could do whatever he wanted. Dday rolled around, he got scared that you were really going to leave, did everything he could to make you stay.

when he saw that the danger is gone, he started trying to get you under his thumb again. the part about needing your help filling out the divorce papers is completely bogus. the only reason i can see for the way he dropped that bomb on you is to scare you into thinking that YOU are losing HIM, so that he can get you back under his thumb again. 

if he really intended to leave, he would just fill the papers out himself and have you sign them. i would follow somethingelse's advice. sign or ride the yo-yo.
your husband has already shown you that he would rather go outside the marriage than fix anything. if losing you scares him enough, he might actually change. if not, your better off moving on with your life.

Edit: almost forgot, the fact that you keep trying to express to him how much you love him is telling him that his plan is working.


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## Sissnf1 (Jan 5, 2014)

The reason he gave me for bringing papers home is, he thought we could be adults about this and get thru this without fighting. He tells me this morning that I just won't listen to him. I listen I just don't understand. How do I understand?


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Sissnf1 said:


> The reason he gave me for bringing papers home is, he thought we could be adults about this and get thru this without fighting. He tells me this morning that I just won't listen to him. I listen I just don't understand. How do I understand?


you cant make him love you. 


here is the thing, you caught him cheating. he should be doing everything he can to show YOU how much he loves YOU.

you are giving all your love to a man who does not care about you. stop doing it, its just going to hurt more, and it tells him that his behavior is acceptable to you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's done. He's not interested in working on the marriage. You can't force him to, unfortunately. So give him your input as to what you expect from the divorce because he's probably going to file regardless. It would be better to work together on an uncontested divorce than deal with a contested divorce where the two of you are adversaries and both have attorneys. He wants out.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

You need to do a 180 here. No question. It may bring him back if that's what you want. 
It worked on my wife. But you need to be strong here. You can't make him stay.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Take him to the cleaners


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The best way to get him to want you back? Is for you to go to YOUR lawyer, start the proceedings, and show him what he's going to lose. You can always cancel the divorce. And if he doesn't step up to the plate, then you will be on your way to being away from an angry, negative, blaming man who doesn't deserve you.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Don't sign any papers without YOUR lawyer seeing them and advising YOU.



He sounds selfish in the worst way, and may attempt to exploit your hurt and confusion to take further advantage of you, and leave you with less to live on.



I don't think you should trust him.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

He says you don't listen, what is he saying you don't listen about?


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

He sounds like he is done. Let him go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sissnf1 (Jan 5, 2014)

mineforever said:


> He says you don't listen, what is he saying you don't listen about?


He says I never listen to him. But when I try and talk to him, he always says "I don't know!" Or "I don't know how to explain!" If he doesn't then how am I suppose to? We talked the other day and he says he will give me a chance if I go to counciling. Last I knew it takes two his mom cannot figure out what is wrong with him. He is just not the same person anymore. He will be 50 years old this year. And I am wondering if maybe he is going thru a mid life crisis? I really do love him, but I also know that we have both got to work on our marriage. My biggest mistake was just getting comfortable and taking him and our marriage for granted. I will admit to that. But I have always treated him with respect and put him first. I always do everything for him that I can and it is never enough. I am just wondering if this is a phase I need to stay and hope he will get thru it to is this just how it is going to be? Anyone experience a spouse going thru mid life crisis, or am I just making excuses?


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## Sissnf1 (Jan 5, 2014)

PieceOfSky said:


> Don't sign any papers without YOUR lawyer seeing them and advising YOU.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


That is a big problem that I have after all the crap from the last few months, I don't think I can trust him. I have never had a trust issue with him. This is a new issue.


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## Sissnf1 (Jan 5, 2014)

2yearsago said:


> He sounds like he is done. Let him go.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So when things get bad, then I am just suppose to walk away from my marriage and not fight for it? I think marriage is more sacred then that.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Two people have to fight to make it work. Not just one. R is a very hard road.


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## Sissnf1 (Jan 5, 2014)

Fordsvt said:


> You need to do a 180 here. No question. It may bring him back if that's what you want.
> It worked on my wife. But you need to be strong here. You can't make him stay.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't want to make him stay, not the kind of life that I want to live. Can you tell me what a 180 is?


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## Sissnf1 (Jan 5, 2014)

Openminded said:


> Two people have to fight to make it work. Not just one. R is a very hard road.


I agree with that. I have been fighting to save us, while he has just been expecting me to make him happy. I would walk away in a heart beat if I thought that he was done. He tells me that he does not want a divorce but feels that the only choice he has. I just don't understand how he can say that he doesn't want it and wants to try, but doesn't try. He is just angry all the time. It's like he is waiting for me to do something that will just make his life all better. But I have no clue what that is, and I don't think he does either.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Listen the first thing you need to do is STOP trying to appease/ take care him if these things are not being reciprocated by him at all. Stop trying so dang hard to fight for something he is not even trying to keep. Save your dignity and stop bring "fixing marriage" topics to him at all. 

Go get some IC for support and growth. 

There is something going on with him for sure (does not want divorce but feels only choice he has) 
If I were you I would tell him that when he is ready to explain himself in an honest straight out manner that you will be willing to sit down with him and listen but until then there should be no more miss bend over backwards to save something that he does not seem to want to try at and there is no taking care of a man who cannot pull his head out and man up enough to dish the truth.

sorry kind of started ranting there. Good luck in all seriousness. This might be one of those things that takes a bit to figure out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You say you've always done everything for him. It shows. He no longer recognizes that you DO contribute, because he takes it all or granted. IMO, what he needs to see from you right now, rather than begging, is strength. So he can respect you again. 

I'm not talking about being mean or angry. I'm talking the 180, telling him you WILL go to therapy - AS LONG AS he goes with you. If he won't go with you, then you have no intention of going just to figure out what's wrong with YOU. Tell him he's free to leave, you're not going to divorce him (at least yet), but you aren't happy, either.

People who are having midlife crises are usually supported in the background by a spouse who they feel sure won't leave them. That makes it safe to act out. He needs to remember YOU matter, too. That's where the 180 comes in.

What it means is that you SHOW him that you DO have a life, you DO matter, and you WILL take care of yourself, if he's going to be a horse's butt. It means signing up for classes, joining a gym, having lunches with your friends, leaving the kids with him while you go for a walk or to the library. It means letting him SEE what life is like, just a little bit, without you.

Which makes him stop and think. Oh, wait, I might just get what I want - freedom. But she won't still be here backing me up.


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## Blindsided13 (Jan 11, 2014)

Sissnf
I am going through the same thing, just my husband stayed out all night one night came home the next am because I text his 'friend'. Same story, all my fault if I had listened.....I thought we had a wonderful happy marriage, evidently he was 'living a lie'. There have been instances since day one, I always took his reason. He made me doubt myself. It's a game, your husband is doing that. He is playing on your insecurities. It is the hardest thing to do, but focus on you. Let him figure out his own issues, let him figure out how to file. You need to talk to a lawyer, many of the offer free consultations. Set up a few. You are NOT the one who is walking away. He did that, HE broke his vow. If he is not willing to work at the marriage, if he is not willing to show you how sorry he is and how important you are, let him go. People come in and out of our lives for a reason. You deserve better. If it is meant to work out it will. Put yourself first. I wish you the best.


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## Sissnf1 (Jan 5, 2014)

Blindsided13 said:


> Sissnf
> I am going through the same thing, just my husband stayed out all night one night came home the next am because I text his 'friend'. Same story, all my fault if I had listened.....I thought we had a wonderful happy marriage, evidently he was 'living a lie'. There have been instances since day one, I always took his reason. He made me doubt myself. It's a game, your husband is doing that. He is playing on your insecurities. It is the hardest thing to do, but focus on you. Let him figure out his own issues, let him figure out how to file. You need to talk to a lawyer, many of the offer free consultations. Set up a few. You are NOT the one who is walking away. He did that, HE broke his vow. If he is not willing to work at the marriage, if he is not willing to show you how sorry he is and how important you are, let him go. People come in and out of our lives for a reason. You deserve better. If it is meant to work out it will. Put yourself first. I wish you the best.


I do plan on going to see an attorney very soon. I have decided today that I am going to do just what you said, focus on me. Why in the hell would I want to keep banging my head against a brick wall. How stupid am I. I am not perfect but I have always tried to be there for him and do the right thing. He is just an angry person and I don't want so much hate and anger in my life. I am not the only one who needs to work on myself and I do deserve better. I will go to counciling for myself. Everyday we stay together he pushes me further away and and I am done being hurt and being treated like I am beneath him. It has been such a roller coaster and I am taking my self respect back. He has taken that from me and even worse I have let him. From this point on I am taking my life back. I just hope I can keep this attitude from here on out. I have never been through anything like this and it has taken its tole.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Sissnf1 said:


> I don't want to make him stay, not the kind of life that I want to live. Can you tell me what a 180 is?


I believe it refers to a set of behaviors described by Michel Weiner-Davis in one her books; I think it was the one titled Divorce Busting.

Her books seem to be all about saving marriages. Around here, even when folks are throwing in the towel or at least things are looking very bleak, I hear the "180" recommended because it is a way to help one detach from one's partner, for sanity or clearer thinking or whatever.

I've seen this post referred to multiple times around here. Might be a good place to start:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/609945-post77.html


Also, this might get you to all threads (posts?) tagged with "180":

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/tags/180.html



In a nutshell, I think the 180 is about taking care of you, and trying to be and appearing to be indifferent about the negative and destructive agenda the other is trying to set. (That's just my initial superficial and probably somewhat off perspective.)

Good luck to you.


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