# In the dark for 29 years with a bi-husband, Mormon- liar!



## Rockyroad (May 21, 2014)

I was married for 29 years to a bisexual man and didn't know it. I welcome any thoughts on this. Please excuse my writing in advance, as English is my second language.

I have been separated from my STBX for 8 months and sadly will divorce as soon as I can.

I am a Christian, and so is my STBX, I thought, we had three children 2 girls and a boy. When we met neither one of was very involved in our church but since my husband is from Provo, UT, I assumed he was a Christian straight guy. From the beginning of our marriage I thought he was a little weird, very quite, but never in my lifetime would have guessed he was gay. As far as I knew he was a cowboy, who was in the military(Navy), to me those were signs that he was heterosexual plus he was always ogling women so I guess I thought that was normal.

We have three children together but he wasn't much of a family man. I tried to make friends and take him to church so we could have a social family life but he had no interest.

After the 7th year our troubles began to get serious, he became abusive and seemed distant and despondent. We started fighting about a secret life he led and have fought about it ever since. The more I tried to get him involved, the more he pushed me and our kids away. He was into pornography and was constantly picking fights and running off checking into hotel rooms, and not telling me where he was going. He would leave for days sometimes weeks and then months. I would take him back with promises that he was going to change, it never happened.

He didn't drink or did drugs as far as I knew, but I think he does now.

By the time our third child came along we had endured a very long road of fights and isolation from relatives and any social life. THIS IS WHEN THINGS BECAME really strange... He began behaving very odd towards our daughters, especially our youngest girl that kept wanting to sleep with us....Anyhow, by the time my daughter was 10 years old I have observed many inappropriate behaviors, towards our daughter and strange things happening in the middle of the night. We argue many times about it, but he denied it all. At this time the internet had come out and his porn addiction was full blown. His secret life had become more obvious. He would come home late and would go straight to play World of Warcraft and chat online until he went to bed.


The internet didn't help with the situation as he began having connections with people. I would see all his computer history of porn and chats. He has had relationships outside our marriage with sex groups and girlfriends during work hours but always lied about it. I didn't confront him until he became more aggressive.

The last year of our marriage was about getting revenge towards me for calling him on his behaviors towards our daughters and trying to get him to get help. He made half way confessions, like for ex: I may be bi or gay, and then would denying it-- Also, I have been cheating since we got married, then again deny saying it. Yikes! Stupid games like that, that he found entertaining and that I am sure were all suggestions from his girlfriends/boyfriends. Things got so bad and it caused me much depression. He went as far as putting things in my food to make me sick. 

We tried marriage counseling but he had no desire to change, just deny everything. The reason he left this last time, was because he agreed to a polygraph(suggested by the counselor) but he failed it. The same night he failed it, he came home grabbed his computer and left, didn't even take his clothes. He was afraid I called the police, that's what he said to me.

I really wished things would have turned out different. But after much pondering I know a few things about him. One of them is... He is gay, he is a LIAR and a coward! I think he tried to imply he was gay, but he was too coward and it was convenient to live a double life. I never paid much attention to his gay jokes I thought he was being funny. A few things that have come out lately have made me realize that he has no remorse and would rather cover up his homosexuality and hurt me than to be honest about everything.

He is now living in California and I live in Miami. He has left me in a foreclosed home and doesn't care one bit what happens to us (I was a stay home mom). Has turned our daughter, some of my relatives, any neighbors and friends I had against me and he harasses me everyday somehow, through phone calls, texts, car breaking. He is an avid computer hacker with many hacker friends, so my Network is hacked, my phone is hacked and my emails are hacked and I know nothing about computer. : / I Called the police and they want prove, but the only prove is my frustration.

I feel like I am living in a nightmare and I don't know if or when will it stop. I think he is afraid of his father knowing who he really is... It sounds crazy but it is all happening to me and my two kids since my other daughter has sided with him. Oh yeah, he has become the greatest charming, story teller I have ever known and can persuade anyone to do anything fro him. I don't know how he does it.


Needless to say he is not the shy introvert guy I married and has no remorse for his actions. We are devastated with his behavior as he won't stop.

I need advice on how to protect myself from this individual that is no longer the man I thought I knew. Sorry this got so long and Thank you in advance!


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

First get yourself some off line help. Look for an alonon group, or divorce support group in your area. People in those groups will be able to point you to other resources in your area that can help you with legal support.

Document everything. Times, dates, what was said by whom. Write it all down. Check wiretapping laws and see if you have one sided consent in your state. You may be able to record your conversations.


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## Pattiroxxi (May 3, 2014)

He is NOT a gay, he is a Bisexual. You should have divorced him long time ago. I think you are one of the people who don't believe bisexuals exist. You are very wrong in thinking so. You sound very discriminating as well.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Why did you stay with him? Especially when he was being inappropriate with your daughters and after all the cheating? Are you still going to therapy? Are your children receiving counseling?


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

I am so sorry....

His behavior is not normal, I hope you know that. He has some deep rooted issues and unfortunately you have been the dumpie for those issues.

First, please go get tested for STD's.
Second, hire someone to come in and make sure you have a good firewall and your computer is secure. At least you will have some privacy in that area.
Third, if you haven't, hire an attorney and as the other poster mentioned, document everything.
Lastly, seek counseling. It will help you get your self esteem back and deal with the isolation you are feeling.


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## Counterfit (Feb 2, 2014)

You should also be tested for HIV / AIDS and other sexually tramsmitted diseases. It is highly probable that he has been having unprotected sex with multple men - you need to understand your current heatlh status.

I am sorry you are going through this noghtmare.


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## Rockyroad (May 21, 2014)

Pattiroxxi said:


> He is NOT a gay, he is a Bisexual. You should have divorced him long time ago. I think you are one of the people who don't believe bisexuals exist. You are very wrong in thinking so. You sound very discriminating as well.


He is a sex addict and I am discriminating? he married me knowing he was gay or bisexual. Hello? he lied to me for 29 years!

I have nothing against homosexuals but I didn't want to be married to one. No offense.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Sorry you are going thru this horrible situation.

Do you have your kids with you? I hope they are with you and not with your stbx.

Do you have an attorney? it sounds like you need one. 

Sometimes there may be churches in your area that could help to make sure you and your children have food to eat.

I do like the suggestion regarding support groups. Have you talked to his family to see if they could help their grandchildren to not starve? 

He has major problems, and it will be good to get him out of your life. But I do hope that you and your children with be okay.

The government has some programs for helping to make sure that kids are fed, for women and children.

So sorry that he has turned out this way.


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## Rockyroad (May 21, 2014)

lancaster said:


> Why did you stay with him? Especially when he was being inappropriate with your daughters and after all the cheating? Are you still going to therapy? Are your children receiving counseling?


Lancaster,

I don't think you will understand but I will explain...

He can talk anyone into anything as I said before. Counselors, neighbors. He is the biggest liar I have ever known. Every time I asked him about whatever behavior he was doing to our daughter, he would deny scream so loud to cover my voice and deny, deny, everything... he called me names, shoved me, throw things at me and would run off for days then a few days later would come back and promised to be a better husband, it was a cycle of denial... believe me, now I know what he was up to.

One counselor advised me to give him the benefit of a doubt? in retrospect, what kind of advice is that from a counselor. 

I also gave him to many chances, because I thought he was confused and I tried to change him, turn him in to a family man.

Our Christian beliefs played a big roll, leaders tell you to go to counseling and try to save your marriage, so you end up putting up with so much abuse.

On top of that I had no skills.

He used to live in denial. Now he is living in hide, so nobody knows what he is up to, except for me.


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## Rockyroad (May 21, 2014)

Acoa said:


> First get yourself some off line help. Look for an alonon group, or divorce support group in your area. People in those groups will be able to point you to other resources in your area that can help you with legal support.
> 
> Document everything. Times, dates, what was said by whom. Write it all down. Check wiretapping laws and see if you have one sided consent in your state. You may be able to record your conversations.


I don't really believe in Alonon groups. They make you feel as if you are guilty of something, even though you are the victim. That doesn't make sense!

Divorce groups, I am considering.

Divorce cost so much money and I am broke! he took our money!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are things you can do about the cost of divorce and the money.

Find a center for abused women, get into counseling with them. They will usually do a sliding scale or not charge. Ask about attorneys. They usually have a list of attornies who will work pro bono.

The attorney can petition the court to get your part of the $$ from him. They can also ask the court to have him pay your legal fees out of marital assets.

Have you checked into things like food stamps and welfare?

Does he have a retirement with an employer?


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Follow EleGirl's advice. Get to the local abused women's center asap. They will give you the best advice and direct you to a lawyer. 

It's very sad what you are going through, people like your husband are very talented liars, and can fool the best of people.

Look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder, he fits many of the criteria for this Personality Disorder.


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## Pattiroxxi (May 3, 2014)

Rockyroad said:


> He is a sex addict and I am discriminating? he married me knowing he was gay or bisexual. Hello? he lied to me for 29 years!
> 
> I have nothing against homosexuals but I didn't want to be married to one. No offense.


I understand what you are saying, and yes i agree with you about the lying part, he should have came out of the closet earlier. What i am pointing out is that you called him gay if it's obvious he is a bisexual, since he has been married to you. That's like calling a straight person gay. 

29 years is a lot, you should have acted long time ago when you thought he was weird. He sounds like a person i wouldn't want to meet. No point hoping people will turn good, they won't!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Pattiroxxi said:


> I understand what you are saying, and yes i agree with you about the lying part, he should have came out of the closet earlier. What i am pointing out is that you called him gay if it's obvious he is a bisexual, since he has been married to you. That's like calling a straight person gay.
> 
> 29 years is a lot, you should have acted long time ago when you thought he was weird. He sounds like a person i wouldn't want to meet. No point hoping people will turn good, they won't!


There are gay men who marry woman and have sex lives of some kind with the woman. It's usually just enough of a sex life to keep her from leaving. These men are not attracted to women, they are only using their wife as a cover.

What her husband did was to steal her life from her. He used her for 29 years. I don't think that whatever label she choses to call him in her anger is all that important here. What's important is that a woman who has been used/abused needs support here.


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## Rockyroad (May 21, 2014)

Pattiroxxi said:


> I understand what you are saying, and yes i agree with you about the lying part, he should have came out of the closet earlier. What i am pointing out is that you called him gay if it's obvious he is a bisexual, since he has been married to you. That's like calling a straight person gay.
> 
> 29 years is a lot, you should have acted long time ago when you thought he was weird. He sounds like a person i wouldn't want to meet. No point hoping people will turn good, they won't!


You are right! I should have acted long ago... In hindsight I made a lot mistakes, trying to keep my family together and hoping to change a jerk that had so many secrets.

Sex addiction, narcissist, bisexual, I believe all of the signs were there but, I was also juggling between raising my kids, no-working skills really,(sahm) and a one income family. Also, I come from a Latin and very judge mental religious family with "You don't leave your husband" mentality, you put up with a lot of trash, old fashioned way of thinking. Worried about appearances.

My father had an affair and two kids with another woman, and my mother put up with that trash all her life. They are still together and I still hear comments about the other woman/kids once in a while. My dad was a very loving father and I truly think he just made a mistake, because he truly loved my mother.

Btw... I read that bisexual are just in the closet gay people.


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## Rockyroad (May 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> There are gay men who marry woman and have sex lives of some kind with the woman. It's usually just enough of a sex life to keep her from leaving. These men are not attracted to women, they are only using their wife as a cover.
> 
> What her husband did was to steal her life from her. He used her for 29 years. I don't think that whatever label she choses to call him in her anger is all that important here. What's important is that a woman who has been used/abused needs support here.


This marriage was a sham! I am appalled by the selfishness of some men, especially this man, who never while dating showed a sign of being gay. I have read plenty recently , how many guys are afraid of coming out and will deceive women into marrying them, just to cover up the big lie.

We had three great kids though, that had suffered much, thanks to much arguing and the double life my Styxh was living!

You have no idea how many fights he would cause, just so he could disappear on me, for days, weeks, and months sometimes so that he go and get his fix.

We went as far as taking a lie detector! 

He still doesn't who one bit of remorse and left us bankrupt. He is hiding somewhere out there, and still living in denial !

I hope and pray he will confess everything one day.


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

There is a therapist called Bonnie Kaye who writes books on straight women with gay husbands. Her website is great too.

You should also join the straight spouse network . They have meetings and emails for support .

I am in the same situation but luckily busted my stbx after 13 years of been together. Feel free to pm me for more info . I filed for d in january
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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