# One Problem of Many...Am I Wrong?



## SoTorn79 (Jun 12, 2011)

Hello. I just joined this forum because me and my husband have a lot of problems in our marriage and I'm looking to get some advice from others. There are too many issues going on to tell the whole story in one post...I will start with one problem that really bothers me. It is about if a man or woman should be able to tell his or her husband what they can and can't do. Here goes. I have been married now for 2 years now. After we were married about a year I started doing some freelance modeling. I absolutely love it, it is a fun hobby of mine and it also makes extra money. My husband was ok with it for about a minute. Now he HATES everything about it. He puts me down for it, says I'm exploiting myself and that I can't be a good mother and wife if I model. I do not put modeling before my husband or my son. It is just something I really enjoy doing in some of my spare time. He hates it if I wanna model in a bikini or lingerie. He really hates it if the photographer is a man. I do not model nude, nor do I model with guys, nor do I do anything trashy. He says that any man who would let his wife model does not give a crap about her. I guess my question is am I wrong for not stoping because he don't like it?? Or is it wrong of him to try and tell me I can't do this?? He is also very controlling in other areas as well, not just the modeling.


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## Random User (Apr 29, 2011)

In every relationship there is compromise. The question is, what will you and will you not compromise? I once quit a band I loved playing in at my ex-husband's request.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Your husband is clearly very unhappy about this hobby of yours. One way to look at it- is his comfort and happiness more important than a hobby that is not a big deal to stop. If you put in terms of control then you get into an area where nobody wins and your relationship is composed of a series of battles. It does not have to be this way. Change your frame of reference and consider your husband and his happiness as the most important to you. You should be able to expect the same of him. 

If he was doing something that made you uncomfortable, like going to a bar every Sat nite and coming home at 2 AM, would you expect him to honor your feelings by stoping?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SoTorn79 (Jun 12, 2011)

And did you later regret it? I am more than willing to compromise in how far I go with it, and I have. But I don't feel I should have to compromise me being able to have a life of my own and have hobbies and intrest of my own. It's not as if I am saying "honey I really wanna be a porn star." I think a marriage is a partnership, not a contract you sign that says "I now own you."


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

It sounds like jealousy and it could be that he is defensive because he is afraid you might find someone besides him. Is it fair to you, no. But I agree with Catherine602, what's more important to you...modeling or the comfort and happiness of your marriage/family. If you are that good looking and in demand, give it a rest. Your husband will see that you are honoring him and as he gets over his own feelings you will likely be able to pursue your modeling again.


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## SoTorn79 (Jun 12, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Your husband is clearly very unhappy about this hobby of yours. One way to look at it- is his comfort and happiness more important than a hobby that is not a big deal to stop. If you put in terms of control then you get into an area where nobody wins and your relationship is composed of a series of battles. It does not have to be this way. Change your frame of reference and consider your husband and his happiness as the most important to you. You should be able to expect the same of him.
> 
> If he was doing something that made you uncomfortable, like going to a bar every Sat nite and coming home at 2 AM, would you expect him to honor your feelings by stoping?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




Well, I really consider the bar thing to be much worse than a hobby, and he is def. not considering my happiness. But anyway, as far as his happiness, he is unhappy about anything I do, rather it's modeling, or doing anything at all that doesn't involve him. Heck, I can't even go to out to eat with a female friend with being considered a bad wife and getting into a big fight about it.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I think you are looking at it as a control issue and I don't see it that way. 

I think that it is not the modeling is it? It is something much bigger that you may feel you can't talk to your husband about or you can't control, what is it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

SoTorn79 said:


> And did you later regret it? I am more than willing to compromise in how far I go with it, and I have. But I don't feel I should have to compromise me being able to have a life of my own and have hobbies and intrest of my own. It's not as if I am saying "honey I really wanna be a porn star." I think a marriage is a partnership, not a contract you sign that says "I now own you."


A life of your own? That's in complete contradiction with "I think a marriage is a partnership..."


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## SoTorn79 (Jun 12, 2011)

BigToe said:


> It sounds like jealousy and it could be that he is defensive because he is afraid you might find someone besides him. Is it fair to you, no. But I agree with Catherine602, what's more important to you...modeling or the comfort and happiness of your marriage/family. If you are that good looking and in demand, give it a rest. Your husband will see that you are honoring him and as he gets over his own feelings you will likely be able to pursue your modeling again.


Nothing is more inportant to me than my family, as I said I do not put it before them, but how far do I let him take it? Where do I draw the line. What if my husband says I'm not allowed to talk on the phone with my female friends.....should I stop that to keep him happy???


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

SoTorn,

Maybe he's letting his imagination run away with him. Being a guy, he thinks of a hot girl in revealing attire and thinks "sex". Some modeling work is legit and some can be exploitative. I think it's understandable that he'd be at least protective. What happens if you invite him down to a shoot so he can see what he's really talking about? If this is an above-board, professional operation, he will soon satisfy himself that you're ok and everything's legit. Surely you must know that some real creeps and pervs hide behind cameras and a business cards. Your husband is actually handling this better than I would. I'd be running a full criminal history check, credit check, etc, etc, etc on everyone on the set. I do know perfectly legit professional modeling agencies take these sorts of shots in the normal course of their business, but so do no account pervs, rapists, and sickos, I trust in God and investigate everyone else. If he felt more involved in your career he might find it less intimidating and mysterious. He might even become supportive.


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## SoTorn79 (Jun 12, 2011)

BigToe said:


> A life of your own? That's in complete contradiction with "I think a marriage is a partnership..."


I didn't mean it that way....I just mean it's ok to have your own hobbies and intrest even after your married.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

SoTorn79 said:


> Nothing is more inportant to me than my family, as I said I do not put it before them, but how far do I let him take it? Where do I draw the line. What if my husband says I'm not allowed to talk on the phone with my female friends.....should I stop that to keep him happy???


No, I don't think so.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

SoTorn79 said:


> I didn't mean it that way....I just mean it's ok to have your own hobbies and intrest even after your married.


That, I can go along with although my advice is that the more you can do together the better. Obviously female modeling leaves him out completely unless perhaps you can get him to be involved with in in some way or another.


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## SoTorn79 (Jun 12, 2011)

BigToe said:


> That, I can go along with although my advice is that the more you can do together the better. Obviously female modeling leaves him out completely unless perhaps you can get him to be involved with in in some way or another.


Maybe I should have spilled out my whole story instead of telling of one issue. I guess it's hard for everyone to understand with just the modeing issue. "The more you can do together the better." I would love for us to do more things together as a family. But if it's not fishing on the weekends or just laying in the bed 24/7 being lazy while I do everything, he wants no part of it. But then when I have a hobby I enjoy, I am told no?????


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I think Big Toe is spot on find activities to do together. 

I still ask what else is going on? This is not about modeling is it. What is it then.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

I agree you should have a hobby. I have stopped my husband from doing a hobby as I felt a out of my comfort zone. He went along with what I said for years. It was the thin end of the wedge really, and I then got uncomfortable about other things and more controlling. It led him to do much 'worse' stuff as an escape, and to be secretive. We are now separated, and I realise I did not allow him to grow and change within the marriage. I expected to be with exactly the same person I married. 

It all comes down to trust in the end. I controlled as I did not trust him, but now I no longer have him anyway, so it did not help.


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## SoTorn79 (Jun 12, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> I think Big Toe is spot on find activities to do together.
> 
> I still ask what else is going on? This is not about modeling is it. What is it then.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Catherine602, I just want a husband, not another daddy. Since I have been married, I have changed so much I don't even know myself anymore. I realize when you get married you have to give up alot and I am fine with that. But you should not try to put your husband or wife in a little cage and only let them out when you feel they should be let out. It's very unfair.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Have you ever cheated on him? Ever caught flirting with another man. Texts? Phone calls?


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

How about compromising on modeling jobs. Model, but no bikini's or lingerie.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

SoTorn79 said:


> Nothing is more inportant to me than my family, as I said I do not put it before them, but how far do I let him take it? Where do I draw the line. What if my husband says *I'm not allowed to talk on the phone with my female friends.....should I stop that to keep him happy*???


No that is not right, but that is nit the question you asked. Modeling as a hobby and talking to your girl friends on the phone are different by a large margin.


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## SoTorn79 (Jun 12, 2011)

BigToe said:


> How about compromising on modeling jobs. Model, but no bikini's or lingerie.


No I've never cheated or anything.....and he don't want me to do it even if I'm fully clothed. I mean, he don't actually tell me no for fully clothed stuff, but he don't like it and he will do things like say its ok for me to go on a shoot, then about an hour or so before time for me to leave while I'm getting ready he will start putting me down....sometimes to the point it makes me cry and I get so upset I end up having to cancel the shoot at the last minute. Which looks really bad on my part. And as I said, it's not just the modeling, for example, I get put down all the time for having a facebook. He says it's not something married people should be on. If he knew I was on this site now just tring to get some advice from others, he would be irate.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

BigToe said:


> How about compromising on modeling jobs. Model, but no bikini's or lingerie.


Right. I would have a problem if my wife's "hobby" was posing for bikini and lingerie shots esepcially with men.

If this was a job, then we would have to discuss.

What if your husband had a hobby of taking pictures of women in bikinis and lingerie?


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## SoTorn79 (Jun 12, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> No that is not right, but that is nit the question you asked. Modeling as a hobby and talking to your girl friends on the phone are different by a large margin.


I was just using that as an example...my point was the question of how far do you let your husband or wife go with the telling you NO you can't do cirten things because of someone's comment about respecting my husbands feelings about things. I was meaning if he didn't like me doing something that silly should I still respect his wishes. Some of the things he doesn't want me to do are as silly as that which is why I used that as an example.


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## SoTorn79 (Jun 12, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Right. I would have a problem if my wife's "hobby" was posing for bikini and lingerie shots esepcially with men.
> 
> If this was a job, then we would have to discuss.
> 
> What if your husband had a hobby of taking pictures of women in bikinis and lingerie?


If you see my first post you would see that I said I dont ever pose with men. If my husband was a professional or freelance photographer making money, and was professional at what he did, I would trust him and have no problem until and if he gave me a reason not to. And it is not just my "hobby." It is also a side job that makes a good bit of money.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

SoTorn79 said:


> I was just using that as an example...my point was the question of how far do you let your husband or wife go with the telling you NO you can't do cirten things because of someone's comment about respecting my husbands feelings about things. I was meaning if he didn't like me doing something that silly should I still respect his wishes. Some of the things he doesn't want me to do are as silly as that which is why I used that as an example.


Well you have to take each of those things and evaluate on their own merits.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

SoTorn79 said:


> If you see my first post you would see that I said I dont ever pose with men. If my husband was a professional or freelance photographer making money, and was professional at what he did, I would trust him and have no problem until and if he gave me a reason not to. And it is not just my "hobby." It is also a side job that makes a good bit of money.


I meant male photograpers. If this is a legitiamet job you guys are going to have to come to some agreement. If he sees this as a deal breaker then you have a decision to make.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I will take a slightly different perspective since I have been there. My wife did some modeling early in our marriage. Yes, it made me a little uncomfortable, but no, I did not tell her that she had to stop. Our compromise was in calling me to keep tabs of the schedule if something changed. I attended some of the photo shoots and events when I could. Once I was comfortable with those around her, I let it go, but she got out of it soon after.

Unfortunately, the industry has its pitfalls. I can see where any man would be jealous, but there is the flipside of being proud of you for doing something that you really wanted to do. 

You two should be able to talk about this, and in my opinion, he should be able to define some parameters that you both agree on. I am just really troubled by the bullying. That, in my opinion, is unnaceptable. Its alot easier to do something for a guy who doesn't push you to the point of tears.

I would just ask him if there are any conditions in which he would be okay with your modeling. If he says no, be prepared to discuss a stop to 100% of the controlling behaviors and bullying outside of the modeling sphere. Then, he might just offer you something worth quitting for.

I'm curious if any of this was on the horizon before you two got married? If not, why didn't he bring this up at the beginning, like at the first photo shoot?


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

SoTorn79 said:


> No I've never cheated or anything.....and he don't want me to do it even if I'm fully clothed. I mean, he don't actually tell me no for fully clothed stuff, but he don't like it and he will do things like say its ok for me to go on a shoot, then about an hour or so before time for me to leave while I'm getting ready he will start putting me down....sometimes to the point it makes me cry and I get so upset I end up having to cancel the shoot at the last minute. Which looks really bad on my part. And as I said, it's not just the modeling, for example, I get put down all the time for having a facebook. He says it's not something married people should be on. If he knew I was on this site now just tring to get some advice from others, he would be irate.


I agree with him about facebook and certain other social networking sites.

You seem pretty adamant about not giving up your job. I think then you have to work at some resolution with your husband. I'm afraid I don't know what that is exactly, other than sitting down with him and reinforcing that this is only a job for you and not anything else. My wife and I have been partners for 29 years and at this point it would not bother me in the slightest if she were in your position. However, I'm not sure I could say the same in our earlier years together and I think it would have bothered me as much as it bothers your husband.

Someone earlier gave a good suggestion (I thought) of bringing your husband to shoots with you. Even insist that he attend. When you get paid, take the money and buy him something (or pay an outstanding bill) and tell him "This is from the money I made because you let me model"

Sorry...it sounds like there are other issues in the marriage that might be in play here as well. Have you sought out counseling?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Is your husband much older than you? Are you both from the same culture? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SoTorn79 (Jun 12, 2011)

Halien said:


> I will take a slightly different perspective since I have been there. My wife did some modeling early in our marriage. Yes, it made me a little uncomfortable, but no, I did not tell her that she had to stop. Our compromise was in calling me to keep tabs of the schedule if something changed. I attended some of the photo shoots and events when I could. Once I was comfortable with those around her, I let it go, but she got out of it soon after.
> 
> Unfortunately, the industry has its pitfalls. I can see where any man would be jealous, but there is the flipside of being proud of you for doing something that you really wanted to do.
> 
> ...


Thanks for you feedback...I did not actually model before we got married, I started about a year after we got married. If he had the option to put conditions on the modeling he would put so many that it would make it all pointless. I by no means am into doing anything ****y or trashy, but he won't even allow slightly sexy. I 100% agree that he has the right to put limits on it, such as me modeling with men in the images or if I tried to travel far away all the time, or do it so much that I was putting it before my family. (Which I would never do.) As far as the talking about it, he will not see my point at all. I have tried many times to calmly talk about this wiht him and as soon as he knows what I wanna talk about he starts an arguement and says things like "why don't you just go work at a strip club? Will that make you happy?"


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

So what's the next problem we're going to solve for you?


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## SoTorn79 (Jun 12, 2011)

BigToe said:


> So what's the next problem we're going to solve for you?


WOW...lol...you mean this one is solved??? lol


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

We can multi-task your problems.


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## SoTorn79 (Jun 12, 2011)

BigToe said:


> We can multi-task your problems.


Ok...hummm...what next. Ok, Is there anytime that it is ok for a man to hit or push around a woman? Like if she screams at him first during a fight? I mean of course if a woman has gun or knife tring to kill the man I think he has a right to do whatever to protect his life. But other than that, is it ever ok for a man to do that? And, has any women had an experience with this? I would like to know if little things like pushing around usually turn into bigger things and more abuse?


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

Your H sounds like mine. It doesn't get any better.... If he's not willing to compromise, then you shouldn't be either. I compromised A LOT in my 12 year marriage (while he didn't so much,) and all it got me was a separation (his idea.)


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

OK, he's trying to control you and is physically aggressive. He puts you down. His behavior is abusive, plain and simple. No mature man needs to get pissy and mean b/c his wife does something he does not like. No loving man EVER touches a woman he loves in anger. YES, pushing will eventually give way to hitting, etc. Abuse escalates. You cannot stay with someone who feels entitled to violate your body in any way.

I urge you to look into sites on abusive relationships--emotional, verbal, and physcial. You may be heading down a very bad path--and that is what it really sounds like. It isn't about modeling; it's about him wanting to isolate you from activities and resources and friends and make you dependent 100% on him. Read, learn, and then talk to a counseling professional about this stuff. Also, if you do not know how to clear your internet history, LEARN and do it after using sites like this so he can't track you. He may install a "key logger" or other device to spy on you, so consider using sites like this and when looking into "abuse," just doing it at the library. Protect yourself.


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## hurtfulgoodtimes (Jun 12, 2011)

I agree with "unbelievable". Modeling can be taken in so many ways, and to you it may not be a big deal, but maybe your husband is just protective. Possibly insecure? I know if I started modeling, the first thing on my husband's mind is "what sick freak is going to be fantasizing about my wife?" Plus, insecurity can go a long way in a relationship. Something needs to be established so he feels more comfortable about your hobby. If it's something that's benefiting both you and your family (financially) without degrading them, then compromise is the key. Have you tried asking him WHY he's against it?


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

If you are attentive to your child, and try to spend time with your husband, and he still has a problem with you having lunch with female friends and modeling, that is a big red flag to me.

If you were modeling for illegitimate companies or doing nudity, I can see why he would have a problem. But it sounds like he's just controlling in general and that is HIS problem. He is probably really insecure inside. Maybe he feels like he can't keep a beautiful woman. That is not your issue. That's his issue.

When you are married, you do have to make compromises, but it sounds like your husband is suffocating you and not allowing you any freedom to act as your own person. It is not healthy to give up your own self/identity when you are married. That is just crazy.

Will he get counseling? That might help. He sounds insecure to the point that it is interfering in his and your life.


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## SoTorn79 (Jun 12, 2011)

hurtfulgoodtimes said:


> I agree with "unbelievable". Modeling can be taken in so many ways, and to you it may not be a big deal, but maybe your husband is just protective. Possibly insecure? I know if I started modeling, the first thing on my husband's mind is "what sick freak is going to be fantasizing about my wife?" Plus, insecurity can go a long way in a relationship. Something needs to be established so he feels more comfortable about your hobby. If it's something that's benefiting both you and your family (financially) without degrading them, then compromise is the key. Have you tried asking him WHY he's against it?


Yes I have tried asking him why he is aganist it. He just makes it sound like I am exploiting myself and wanting attention which is not the case at all. He doesn't like it even if I am fully clothed and working with a female photographer. He doesn't tell me no to that, but he puts me down about it and makes me feel bad for it. And also let me say, It kinda makes me laugh at the twisted vision some people have of modeling/photography. Sure there may be some creeps out there...there is in any business. But this thinking of a model and photographer getting together and the photographer being all about fantasizing about the model. This is crazy and not the case at all. Trust me, every photographer I've worked with is so concerned with getting the corrct lighting for the photo, making sure the angle is correct ect....he has no concern about hitting on the model that he is working with. Someone could work at an office job and go home and fantasize about someone they work with. If he is a professional then photography is just as much his passion as modeling is mine. He wants to create a beautiful image of art, not check out the model.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

SoTorn79 said:


> Yes I have tried asking him why he is aganist it. He just makes it sound like I am exploiting myself and wanting attention which is not the case at all. He doesn't like it even if I am fully clothed and working with a female photographer. He doesn't tell me no to that, but he puts me down about it and makes me feel bad for it. And also let me say, It kinda makes me laugh at the twisted vision some people have of modeling/photography. Sure there may be some creeps out there...there is in any business. But this thinking of a model and photographer getting together and the photographer being all about fantasizing about the model. This is crazy and not the case at all. Trust me, every photographer I've worked with is so concerned with getting the corrct lighting for the photo, making sure the angle is correct ect....he has no concern about hitting on the model that he is working with. Someone could work at an office job and go home and fantasize about someone they work with. If he is a professional then photography is just as much his passion as modeling is mine. He wants to create a beautiful image of art, not check out the model.


I'll suggest that modelling shouldn't be the issue you focus on with your words when you discuss this with him, because people will ask if you are willing to give up a marriage for modeling. You have a deeper issue. Its about mutual respect. 

Say his hobby is fishing. Often, when he fishes, it will take time away from the relationship unless you enjoy it with him. Then, when he wants that $15,000 bass boat, that comes by having to forfeit theawesome cruises or vacation for bonding. If he feels comfortable with dismissing your interests, will he accept it when you tell him that you expect him to avoid activities that don't give you pleasure too? And, since he feels so strongly about modelling causing your sexual ruin, its a given that he would never entertain any interest in porn, or any sexually enticing activity outside of you. Is he offering this avoidance when he tells you not to model?

I think you are saying that you feel like this is the one thing you can look back upon years later, and say that you differentiated yourself. It leaves an emply place in your spirit when your mate doesn't at least try to understand it. The answer to continuing or quitting, though, is a bigger answer. Its easy to quit when your mate is supporting and respect you in all areas of your life. If his abuse is only due to his own insecurity, then the question becomes where else this security diminishes your relationship.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If he is pushing you around when you have a disagreement, you should get out.

That is abusive.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Physical abuse is never acceptable. However, I am 100% behind your husband in the modelling arena. I don't believe it is appropriate for a w to model in lingerie when the H is uncomfortable with it. This impinges on the intimate sphere of the marital relationship.


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## losing my faith (Jun 15, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> I think Big Toe is spot on find activities to do together.
> 
> I still ask what else is going on? This is not about modeling is it. What is it then.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


hi catherine....i am in that same boat.... that is what my wife keep telling me... but to me it sound like she still wanna be single... and she think she not married.... and i totally agree with you find something to do together then 1 do this and other do this.... but how do you bring it across to your wife... becoz to her friends are the world....and it not just girls it guy friends... but yes everything what Sotorn said... that is how my wife describe me...


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