# still checking



## purplehaze (May 23, 2011)

so it s been 16months since D day and while H has done everything asked I still feel the need to check - check phone check FB check e mails check pockets of jeans check his car . 
It feels really draining and just wondered when others decided to step back from this sort of behaviour or will it be an ongoing thing that never lets up ??
Trust has gone up but I know i ll never be able to trust 100% again and that s a frightening thought .


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## mswren7 (May 8, 2011)

purplehaze, I dont know either if it lets up. I am 2 years post d-day and I still check. I checked his phone this morning and yesterday, and his wallet and even drove somewhere where he was to see if he was meeting another woman for lunch.

I cannot trust anymore and I dont like feeling like I have to be a snoop but it has become ingrained and I cant stop.

I have stopped some things like I was checking the mileage on his car everyday and checking underwear for semen stains, still do that though.

What a terrible way to have to live a life because trust is destroyed. I dont know how to stop it either or if iI ever can. Even if I leave him I fear that I wont have access to anything and will stalk him. I hate what I have become because of a cheater.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

I think you eventually grow bored of checking. The checking keeps the adrenaline pumping, which serves to keep you vigilant, but at some point you just so tired of it, you let it go. I still occasionally check, feel my blood pressure rise, and then shake it off and think I just don't want this kind of energy in my life.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

2 years, still checking.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I checked with my now exhusband. In Oct when I found dirty sex text messages between him and another woman on his phone, I became obsessed with checking. It did not take long though for it to become clear to me that the ow was more important to him than me and his family, so I divorced him. I would suggest weening yourself off from checking. It becomes an obsession which eats away at you. I'm sorry your husband's actions put you in the position you are in now--non trusting but be happy you have a husband who was willing to save the marriage. Mine wasnt. Mine chose a pill-popping drunk over me. (A college educated woman, drug free and smoke free who loved him very much)


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I don't think it will ever stop. It may get less and less... This is why I would not stay if my h cheated. I would never be able to trust him again. Who wants to live life this way, not me.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Sounds like you just become prisoner of your own doubt. Which is not an improvement of being a prisoner of your cheating spouse's unreliable nature.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I'm almost a year out and I still check once in a while, sometimes I forget to check since I have never found anything and she's doing her part. Trust has been rebuilt to the point that I feel safe. I think if you're still checking often, and you find nothing, and despite the fact that they are doing everything, you need to seek counseling on that. Otherwise, there must be some type of red flag that is causing your gut to scream at you that something is still going on.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

16 month also and still checking, a hell of alot less then when it was 16 days post d-day.

I all most fogot a few passwords. I think I just check so I don't forget the passwords

I want to say trust is over rated and I'm sure I'll get crap, but for us we know what we both are cabable of and we now have the behaviors that are alot more healthier then back in the day, so I quess there are less expectation and as long as we treat each other right we move on knowing if we don't there will be consequenses. IDK wev'e srewed each other over so much that for now we have to trust each other that we'll treat each other they way the other wants to be treated. So as long as I do my part and she does her part we ....move on.

Maybe alot of it is the self confidence that if she cheats again I have no proplem bailing on her again. I mean I really don't have this insecurity of "what will I do if she cheats again".
I have this confidence that if she she cheats again I know exactly what I will do. 

So for what its worth, "checking" is a way of life..... that we have choosen. there nothing saying that you will get tierd and leave the marriage but for now thats just how it is. So what..just another consequence from a unhealthy marrage, I guess


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I am only 5 weeks out - still checking often as we are not out of the woods in the slightest. My WW is doing a TON of heavy lifting right now. She made me dinner, bought me a plant and wrote me a note saying how much she loved me. Wow. That was really something.

I am pretty much with The Guy on this one. You recognize it's going to be a part of your life, but like him, I'm not nearly has nervous when I check now. It's more of a feeling of research. I am in the same boat that I know exactly what I will do if I discover they are still communicating. And it will be 100% her fault if she screws up, because she knows the consequences.

But I do hope I don't feel the need to check as often. It is pretty debilitating. Same with this site. I hope at some point I won't need it, but as of now it still brings me some comfort.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

It has become too much of an obsession and false security for thise of you who are more than 6 months out and everything has been clean green all that time. Here, I'll let the air out your security. You need to realaize that if you have not improved your relationship to the point where you have 100% honesty you kidding yourself. There are prepaid phones, false email accounts you may not know about,thousands and thousands of ways to take this so far underground you would never find it. That is why checking is a false sense of security. It became an obsession for me too until I realized it was eating me up and my time. It was also preventing me from focusing on what was really important - improving our relationship and eliminating all the possible ways she could be come vulnerable. That is where you need to put your all your efforts. I am still check about once a month or if I have feelings of insecurity. But even those feeling of insecurity are best dealt with face to face. You should know how your spouse uses half truths to hide lies and thier body language by now. Use your skills and discuss it to put your fears aside. MOST IMPORTANTLY, realize you can never control THEIR behavior, they have to want to do that and you sure as hell can see the actions that they are. So stop going back for confidence building drug by checking- you built your own addiction. Unbuild it. Focus your efforts on the future and stronger more honest relationship!


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## peacefully (Nov 13, 2009)

One of the worst parts of the aftermath of cheating, is that you know that your partner is willing and capable of cheating and lying, and that you are capable of feeling as horrible as a person can feel. You might also realize that you are capable of leaving...
It's terrible all the way around. Some people might claim that trust doesn't exist, and maybe that's true for them... For me, I couldn't live like that and it wasn't the trust so much as it was the lack of security. The ground felt like it was full of holes, and I could not live with the uncertainty, so I chose to move on.

As for the checking- if they are going to cheat, they are going to cheat- regardless if you check on them or not. You might not be able to trust _them_, but trust your gut and ask yourself if you are willing to live with the uncertainty- knowing that the uncertainty is a turn off to your partner and is toxic to an already damaged relationship.
Your inner life, thoughts and beliefs define your real inner condition. There is a weakness in the relationship and how you feel about yourself and this is what drives you to keep checking. This state of internal affairs communicates with your partner what you think of yourself and what you are worth. 
If you want to stay in the relationship, and you want to be attractive to your partner so they don't cheat again you have to let go of the past and start catching yourself about to act from weakness.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Why not spray your spouse with Luminol while they sleep and wave a UV light over them?


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Like the concept Runs - the absurdity of it makes the point well. Monica's dress?


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

ROFL - I did not have sex with woman!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

But that's the point. At some point you have conclude that the remaining X% of doubt isn't worth it.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Well I have give you all an ovation for sticking with it. If my wife cheated then we would done. There would be no need to worry if she was sneaking around. We'd be over. That day, that moment. And she could still live at home till she sorted out her mess because she'd be dead to me. There would be no further discussion on the matter, ever. She could have a biker gang over for a sex and meth party. I would not care.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Well I have give you all an ovation for sticking with it. If my wife cheated then we would done. There would be no need to worry if she was sneaking around. We'd be over. That day, that moment. And she could still live at home till she sorted out her mess because she'd be dead to me. There would be no further discussion on the matter, ever. She could have a biker gang over for a sex and meth party. I would not care.


Oh I see it now. You haven't gone through this yet have you? Your profile says you've been in your relationship 30-40 years. It's pretty easy to say that if you haven't been in the situation. I know I did and so have many others. You won't really know until you've experienced it for yourself, when you're staring in the face of ending a 30+ year relationship.

Sure, it's a deal breaker for many people, and for others, they feel that it can be salvaged.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Oh I see it now. You haven't gone through this yet have you? Your profile says you've been in your relationship 30-40 years. It's pretty easy to say that if you haven't been in the situation. I know I did and so have many others. You won't really know until you've experienced it for yourself, when you're staring in the face of ending a 30+ year relationship.
> 
> Sure, it's a deal breaker for many people, and for others, they feel that it can be salvaged.


Everyone has their red lines I suppose. That's mine. I'm fresh out of yet more tolerance at that point. I do not see any scenario where I would change my mind on this. Hey, if you or most people want to try to salvage their marriage, that's fine. That would not be for me. My wife and I have very clearly expressed those views to one another. There is zero gray area or wondering what if. We might have some debate about other things like if one of us decided they were drug addicts or compulsive gamblers or decided we couldn't live at the same address or one of us wanted to move to an Ashram. But not this. It's one thing to deny your partner any attention or love, which is bad enough, but to then turn around and lavish it on someone else. Unacceptable.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

RWB said:


> RunLDog,
> 
> I too before finding out said that an affair meant divorce. Like LordMayHem says it's difficult to just dissolve 30+ years of marriage.
> 
> ...


Having survived cancer twice, my wife's cancer, the death of a child, being misinformed that my wife was dead, I don't require any more epiphanies, thanks.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I always said the same thing you did Runs until I had to face it.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I side with RLD on this, as I'm already struggling with giving her a second chance and not 'punishing' her for my first wife's indiscretion. Anything close to even entering or entertaining a 2nd affair is a total dealbreaker, not to mention she'd be taking her life into her hands. Which she is absolutely clear about. Is this a threat? Yes, it is. is that any way to keep her loyalty? No. But really c'mon now, she's earned it and if that is part of what iut takes to get me to R, so be it. Dealbreakers do exist, and I believe firmly that after experiencing one, it is much easier to define exactly what the dealbreaker is, and the repurcussions -- because you've put those repurcussions aside once.

That doesn't mean it works for everybody. To each their own. But why one would allow it to happen repeatedly and remain there forces a real long look in the mirror, imho, and I couldn't live with what I'd see. I can barely look in the mirror still being here after her first time, minimally physical A.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Since were all off the topic any way then what if you didn't care and in fact found it easier to do what you wanted and told your wife to leave you alone and get a bottoy, but after years of an unhealthy marraige you decide you want a change and you keep "checking" to see if your cheating wife has the same changes in mind as you do?


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