# Can people with totally different backgrounds ever work things out?



## Luonnotar (Aug 2, 2012)

We're still trying to figure out the divorce/separation thing. But in the process we've been doing a lot of talking. And one of the things I realize (maybe the really big issue) is that our backgrounds are so different that we can't really understand each other. 
My family is very distant and cold. His is up close and in your business. Mine always thinks you can do better. His is more accepting of how you are. His is ultra competitive and loves sports. Mine is more interested in intellectual pursuits. His family are all huggy extroverts. Mine are buttoned down introverts.
So, when he wanted to see lots of his family, I didn't see it as a big deal to miss get togethers. After all, my family tends to avoid spending time together.
And, when we went out together, he'd leave me standing alone in the corner while he visited with his friends. After all, no one in his family would have any trouble walking up to complete strangers and striking up a conversation.
My question, is there any hope? The baggage is enormous. We both overanalyze everything since we've been doing this for so long. Can we learn to see things from the other persons point of view? Can we start to understand that what we see as no big deal might be a HUGE deal to the other person?
Or should we rush through the divorce as fast as we can?
I find myself dragging my feet on everything and praying for road blocks. I don't want to divorce, I just want to fix things. He thinks the baggage is too much and that we'll never be able to overcome the issues. I see how much we've come in the past month and I can't help but hope that if it takes long enough, we can rebuild.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I think you can overcome those differences, especially if you can get to a perspective where you admire or respect each other's differences, maybe even learn from each other.

However, it does require that two people _want _to do so. And it helps a lot if you also have some things that bring you together or bond you.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Are you kidding me?

Divorce because you grew up in different families? Who hasn't?

When you said different backgrounds, I thought you had language/cultural barriers. Sounds like you two are overly sensitive individuals with waaaaaaaay too much regard for your families.

Try to live an easier life. If you love each other and are still attracted to each other, then you're letting your marriage down big time.

how old are you two?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Your husband is seeing someone else and has been for a long time. You're way past this point in your marriage. It's time for you to let him go.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Your husband is seeing someone else and has been for a long time. You're way past this point in your marriage. It's time for you to let him go.


oh! And that information missing from this thread?!


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

My stbxh and I have language and cultural barriers, but this is not enough of a reason to divorce. The divorce is due to emotional maturity differences.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Luonnotar -- These things you describe in your post are not reasons to divorce. These are reasons to work through your issues and try to communicate better. Marriage counseling, honesty, and some good books about relationships and conflict resolution and intimacy might help you. You can't marry your clone (even a circumstance-clone), so just try to learn how to balance and be a better partnership.


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## Luonnotar (Aug 2, 2012)

Synthetic, we've been married 20 years, and together nearly 30. But the last 10 have been really rough with neither of us trying to see things from the others viewpoint.
My husbands mother just died, and we weren't there (me and the kids) either while she was in the hospital or before the funeral. We just showed up for the funeral. In my family, that would have been perfectly acceptable. In his, it was a total lack of support for him. That's what I mean about differing viewpoints of the world. We keep accidentally hurting each other without meaning to, just by acting the way we were raised.
As for your other question, he has been having an emotional affair for a long time (I did mention that in my first post--saying he cheated on me.) 
The thing is, as soon as I agreed to let him have a divorce, he changed. And he started to talk to me and spend time with the family and the kids. And he's out really looking for a job. He's had three interviews in two weeks--more than he had in the previous year.
Now I know this doesn't mean we can work things out, but I see it as a sign that we might be able to. I just don't know if we can get past the huge pile of pain we've already caused each other.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

If he's cheating, things change. You can't save your marriage if the affair is ongoing. While differences in the dynamics of family of origin are not a reason to divorce, cheating is a really good reason to consider divorce.


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