# Very new here-shocked and isolated



## missmylife4 (Jul 22, 2014)

Hello all- I have come to this forum because my spouse of 14 years told me a week ago that she is done. We got together when we were in our twenties- she is now 36 and I am 42. We are a same-sex couple, legally married. I have been told we had an fight a few months ago and she snapped. She has completely stopped talking with me and refuses to give me any explanation other than I either give her a few months to figure things out or its completely over. If its meant to be she will come back. She has also "warned" me that I cannot tell anyone or our kids or she will start proceedings.
She has been the sole provider of our family since I became pregnant seven years ago. We made the agreement that if we ever had kids-I was to stay home and home school. We have a five year as well. I home school and manage our finances. She has always been a good provider, decent and honestly loving person. I have also had health issues that I'm told have caused intimacy issues. 
A couple of months ago I started noticing ATM withdrawls on a pretty regular basis-then staying out late with friends and drinking, sleeping on the sofa and finally, being brought home at 4am completely passed out, no shoes, shirt-by strangers I have never met. I'm not sure what has brought on this behavior- Ive been checking her phone and she tells me there is no one else.
I begged her to give our life a chance and try counseling- she says she doesn't believe in it(even though she has two degrees in Psychology). She cries and tells me she is sorry and loves me and that we are a family, then hardens up and looks blankly at me with no love in her eyes. She tells me to stop manipulating her like I have for so many years, then says she is delusional because she wants it all. I haven't been perfect and have made my mistakes but I don't think she has any respect left for me. She is not moving out during this and says nothing will change, that she wont abandon her family. We are having dinner together, she wants to go on outings as a family and I have to pretend nothing is wrong. We both have no one- my mother died two years ago and she was adopted and her family is not any support. There are so many issues, maybe this is the end. I worry for my children, and I need to start figuring out a way to earn money, in case she cuts us off. I don't know what to think, believe or do- I cry everyday and feel the most alone I have ever felt. I have no one to reach out to and live under fear anyone will ask because I feel I will break down. I cant eat or sleep. I truly feel like my life is over.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

There is most likely someone else. Can you check phone records? Put a VAR in her car?


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

"she tells me there is no one else."

of course she would. all cheaters say that.

it sounds like classic detachment...probably with a 3rd party involved. Which came first? hard to say.

I'd say the standard evidence gathering stuff applies until you can discount an outside relationship. Phones can be 'clean', but other methods used, or messages deleted, chat apps used, etc.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Someone link my standard evidence post. First time I know it being used where the user is female and the syntax of wife does not change.

Having been here far too long. The odds look pretty grim. You have a fair likelihood of being replaced.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to start focusing on yourself to make you stronger.

Start interacting with her according to the 180 (see link below). This will help you pull back and get emotionally stronger.

Starting figuring out what you can do as far as income goes... look for a job, get back into school, something.

Start doing research online to find out what your rights are in divorce. Depending on your state, you might be able to get spousal support. You will most likely get child support. 

Do you know where all of your marital assets are? Do you have access to all accounts?

She is most likely cheating. So start paying more attention. Gather evidence but do not say anything to her about it. Not until you have come here with it and discuss your strategy. You cannot really decide what you want to do until you know what is really going on.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

missmylife4 said:


> She has completely stopped talking with me and refuses to give me any explanation other than I either give her a few months to figure things out or its completely over. If its meant to be she will come back.
> 
> *She has also "warned" me that I cannot tell anyone or our kids or she will start proceedings.*


Of course you can't tell anyone else. Cheaters thrive on secrecy.

I'm sorry but there is someone else. Her "figuring things out" is common cheater speak.

Start investigating big time.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> Someone link my standard evidence post. First time I know it being used where the user is female and the syntax of wife does not change.
> 
> Having been here far too long. The odds look pretty grim. You have a fair likelihood of being replaced.


Ask and ye shall receive; OP, read this...

weightlifter's Standard Evidence-Gathering Post

WL, you should think about adding this to your sig.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Sounds like an early MLC...


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## missmylife4 (Jul 22, 2014)

Thanks so much for this information- Its just what I needed-very much appreciated : ) What is an MLC?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

missmylife4 said:


> Thanks so much for this information- Its just what I needed-very much appreciated : ) What is an MLC?


MLC = Mid-life Crisis


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## missmylife4 (Jul 22, 2014)

We talked today and she just keeps telling me to give her time to sort things out- I found the evidence gathering very useful but a little high tech for me- I have gone through all of our paperwork and collected birth certificates, licenses, deeds anything that will help me when this mess explodes. She is afraid that I will leave her if she comes back to me and says she has made a mess of things. She has severe abandonment issues. I really don't think she wants to stay with me from our discussion today, if we do stay together I feel she will blame me for everything that goes wrong. I am really questioning her mental health. 
I agree. She is very cunning-She says she wont cheat as long as she is married-so what then? 
I love her and don't want our family broken up but I'm starting to wonder. She wants it all-all right...
My hopelessness is becoming a mix of self-preservation and wanting to get the upper hand on things. Thanks everyone for your kind and very guiding words. 
Update-I came home early from piano lessons with the kids and she told me that she bought something for work to just save it for her when it gets here. She changed the password on Amazon so I cant see what she bought. Nice-how does she expect her amazon card to be paid next month, guess I leave that up to her now. I imagine its for a girl a work maybe? Some young girl she has been drinking with named Lisa.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

missmylife4 said:


> We talked today and she just keeps telling me to give her time to sort things out- To plan B you I found the evidence gathering very useful but a little high tech for me- That is why I laid it out step by step and yes, several of my pupils were non techy females. I have gone through all of our paperwork and collected birth certificates, licenses, deeds anything that will help me when this mess explodes. She is afraid that I will leave her if she comes back to me and says she has made a mess of things. She has severe abandonment issues. her daddy? I really don't think she wants to stay with me from our discussion today, prep yourself then if we do stay together I feel she will blame me for everything that goes wrong. I am really questioning her mental health.
> I agree. She is very cunning-She says she wont cheat as long as she is married-so what then? I smell bull poo on that her not cheating part. sorry.
> I love her and don't want our family broken up but I'm starting to wonder. Prep yourself for it falling apart. Sorry. Funny how regardless of orientation. This sh!t all plays the same. Over and over and over again She wants it all-all right...
> My hopelessness is becoming a mix of self-preservation and wanting to get the upper hand on things. Thanks everyone for your kind and very guiding words. concentrate on the self preservation part
> Update-I came home early from piano lessons with the kids and she told me that she bought something for work to just save it for her when it gets here. She changed the password on Amazon so I cant see what she bought. Nice-how does she expect her amazon card to be paid next month, guess I leave that up to her now. I imagine its for a girl a work maybe? Some young girl she has been drinking with named Lisa.


IF the above is unclear let me really clarify it for you. You are not my first pupil. You are my 999th.

MML INCOMING! 
TAKE COVER.


See the woman in the mirror? THAT is the person you need to preserve.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

missmylife4 said:


> I really don't think she wants to stay with me from our discussion today, if we do stay together I feel she will blame me for everything that goes wrong. I am really questioning her mental health...
> 
> I agree. *She is very cunning*-She says she wont cheat as long as she is married-so what then?


Do you have access to joint checking or savings accounts? Quietly move *half* of all the funds into your own account that she cannot access.

This is protection for you in case she totally flakes out.

She already blocked you from the Amazon account (mild). The bank accounts are next (NOT mild).


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## missmylife4 (Jul 22, 2014)

@happyasaclam- is that legal? I would have to go open another acct, since we only have two linked accts together (which was originally mine). 
Will that bite me in the A$$ if it comes down to divorce? 
@Weightlifter-Thank you, I am really astonished as I read the boards how many situations are similar as far as behaviors. I checked her car and couldn't find a thing, she is really covering her tracks, I'm going to consider the voice recorders-I think that may be the only way to catch her. Besides the obvious staying out late (which she did again last night).
Our children are noticing she isn't home, acting out and crying for her. Should I look into counseling for them? I'm really worried for them...


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Counseling Right after you get what you need. In some states its only enough evidence to convince you that you have truly been replaced.

Most states that recognize same sex marriage are not ones that consider fault for anything. Fault counts for things like alimony in nc sc va and like four others i dont know.


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## missmylife4 (Jul 22, 2014)

Okay, thank you : )


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

missmylife4 said:


> @happyasaclam- is that legal? I would have to go open another acct, since we only have two linked accts together (which was originally mine).
> Will that bite me in the A$$ if it comes down to divorce?



Of course it's legal! It's YOUR money as long as your name is on the account. 

You can put the money anywhere you like right now. And NO, it won't bite you in the a$$ if you take HALF of it now. Eventually (if you end up getting divorced -- and I'm not saying you are), that money will become part of the "balance sheet" from which they figure a 50/50 split of your assets. But better getting your hands on it NOW instead of trying to get it AFTER she takes 100% of it first.

Just keep careful documentation showing exactly how much was in there to begin with and how much you took. You're entitled to take it for legal fees, living expenses, etc.


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## missmylife4 (Jul 22, 2014)

Thanks so much @Happy as a clam, I'm did transfer money and have been paying all bills and groceries keeping receipts for everything.
We went to a social gathering we had been committed to for a couple months and she acted like a jerk. Texting the whole time, driving like a maniac and playing music like a teenager. I texted her at the party "you could at least have the decency to not text her when you are out with your family" She responded "you're crazy"-to which I responded "no, I don't think so".The next day I confronted her and told her to tell me the truth and tell me who she is, I gave her printouts about MLC and emotional affairs. Of course she denied it, so I told her "fine then, let me see your phone right now"-laughing at me, she quickly starts deleting her texts and says just a minute...(I knew she would never hand it over) so I said-that's fine, I can subpoena your phone/texts records and it will all come out eventually...It stopped. I had her attention-she said, "what will that do for you?" and I told her, "show me intent". Im not your plan b-if this thing with this person doesn't work out, not your back-up plan. She said-"you've never been a b girl, you've always been first choice". I said, "that's right, I am your legal wife and the mother of your children".
I went on to ask her if she was interested in reconciliation that I had found a therapist-nothing. I then said okay we can discuss separation/divorce. You cannot touch anything financial unless it goes towards household or reasonable work expenses and you are looking at best getting the kids for two weekends a month while you live in a tiny apartment. This is your new reality-think about what you want.
That's how I left it. Since then, the texting has stopped (she tells me who she's texting, even though I don't believe a word), stopped going out and comes home, calls the kids at night if she's working late and is behaving like an adult. She says she never grew up and its pretty sad when a twenty five year old tells her she's immature. She is angry- says she will never marry again, that I have so much control over what happens-"I shot back "No, this is what you are wanting and the reality of divorce".Not, sure what's going on-I suggested she sleep on the sofa but she gets in bed and holds me every night. I miss it and don't fight it but I can feel it pull my strength back every time. Is she planning out her next move? She wont talk with anyone educated about this, she wants to pretend nothing is wrong to the outside world. Her job position, (almost)everyone who works with her has a very high degree of respect for me-she is respected for being a family type, serious person. She will lose it all. I am suspicious and staying on course, I hate living like this.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Good for you for taking some power and comtrol back. Good information and the courage to use it is power; keep at it and stay the course; you're doing well - don't deviate. Protect yourself, nd your kids. Maybe your confrontation snapped her back to reality, or maybe it didn't... time will tell. Either way, you have a long road ahead of you. What you've got to decide is what YOU want, now, and not leave it all based upon only what she wants. 

And rugsweeping, sticking her head in the sand and pretending there is no elephant in the room is not going to make the elephant go away. You all may get used to the elephant being there, but it is very very uncomfortable living with that elephant. Think about making an appointment with a counselor and dragging her there. If she refuses, go yourself. 

I'm sorry you're here; good luck to you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm glad to hear that you are getting stronger. Keep it up.

I guess that at this point you don't know where things are going. What is your plan moving forward?


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## missmylife4 (Jul 22, 2014)

I am so angry!!!! She came today with hickeys on her neck and finally admitted it. She has no plans of breaking it off or shes trying to figure a way out of it-she has been cheating with an employee and will get fired if anyone finds out. Shes using the "I wont be able to support you guys if I get caught". She wont transfer her out either. I told her "leave and go stay with your girlfriend then" she wont. She wont leave the house. She wants to keep it quiet and I want to post it on FB that's how mad I am. I think I'm beginning to hate her. I called her every name in the book, wont let her touch me and am making her sleep on the sofa. I really think this is the beginning of the end.
I am so hurt, I started taking an anti-depressant since I couldn't stop crying all day, every day. 
Things have gone from bad to worse. she has been so cruel. 
I got a resale license in my name today and am going to start a new business venture, am also thinking of starting a non-profit organization that will help children of broken homes with stress. Something to change this mindset. I feel like I am losing this game. so sad tonight : (


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If I were you I would not say a word at her job. Let her continue working. File for divorce. You cannot force her out of the house right now as it's also her legal residence. 

Your life is in turmoil right now. I guess the resale license is for you to start a business so you can support yourself. Is that right? I'd put off the non-profit for right now. A new business and a new non-profit all while your personal life is falling apart can be a bit too much to take on.

From now on interact with her according to the 180 (see link below). It will save your sanity.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

By the way, since she's having an affair with a subordinate at work, she'll be lucky if she's not sued for sexual harassment. If she were to transfer the subordinate the chances of the subordinate using that to sue her and the company go up even more.

Can your SO transfer herself somewhere or find another job?


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## missmylife4 (Jul 22, 2014)

I think she could-the question is does she want to? She (the other girl) has a girlfriend everyone is scared of. I lied and said I had her phone number and could call her to which she hurried "They already broke up!" Is it a lie or are they both breaking up with their other halves? I called her a liar. I have to admit I've been pretty good at calling her out but I'm devastated. She doesn't seem to want to change things even though I have threated divorce and telling her everyone will find out. She sits there stunned as if some alien has taken her over. I told her tonight "I don't know who you are anymore, I only want to discuss co-parenting with you, you do not deserve to be a part of my life any longer". She just kept her head down and said sorry. I also said no more honey or baby either. You know my name.
I know little steps but empowering all the same. I want her to hurt and know I"m going to torment her.
@Elegirl-You are absolutely right-I have to focus on my main venture right now-yes, it is a way to earn an income, tis been in the works for a while, I just always had something else to do so I put it off. She did mention a while back about finding another job so she must feel like its getting to her and know the s**t is close to hitting the fan. I cried all night while drinking wine and she tried to comfort me-the whole time I resisted and made her leave the room. I read the 180 every day to remind myself of what I have to-I'm not sure If I can file though-it hurts too much : (


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

mml4... I'm so sorry for this sad turn of events. 

But at least now you know EXACTLY what you are dealing with. There are many here on TAM who go for months and months not knowing, wondering, not taking steps to move forward.

Keep siphoning off half the money and putting it your own account. You are married, so you have the legal right to move money anywhere you want. Keep track of all of it so when she claims you tried to "steal" her paycheck you can simply say, "Nope, just putting HALF the money aside for the family and for the divorce." And don't forget, she's been regularly withdrawing money from the ATM to fund her affair -- she's essentially "stealing" money from the household income. Take it in small increments if you have to so she doesn't notice. * Don't pay household bills out of the money you are setting aside if there's enough left in the joint account to cover everything* -- the money you're setting aside is for YOU -- as a SAHM, you're going to need it.

Be smart mml... and you absolutely did the right thing by booting her out to the couch. Be strong, don't cave when she wants to come slithering back into your bed.

Make an appointment with an attorney (if you haven't already). Start the divorce process rolling. If reconciliation is what you want, you just might be able to shock her out of her stupid affair when she realizes how high the stakes are. 

Filing for divorce doesn't mean you actually have to GET divorced. It just shows her you are not willing to put up with her [email protected] And if you really DO want to get divorced, filing now will get you that much closer to your goal.

You expressed in your first post that you were worried she might try to "cut you off" from her income. The advantage to filing now is if that occurs, you would be in a position to immediately file for Temporary Orders (temporary income for you while the case is being settled), and the judge would definitely grant you living and childcare expenses if she does try to freeze you out.

Btw, what are your living arrangements? Do you own a house together? If so, whose name is on the mortgage and the deed? Both names, or hers or yours only? And do you have other assets together -- investments, 401K, savings? Because you are entitled to half of that too. If you have access to a savings account I would move half of that money right now as well.

Hang in there... we're all rooting for you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You don't have to take any big action right now if you are not ready to.

Just focus on yourself, your children and finding a way to support yourself. And do the 180. You know that what you did last night was not the 180. You were emotional and you let it all hang out. That's ok. But work towards not doing that... work towards interacting with her like the 180. If you do this, you will become much stronger emotionally.


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## missmylife4 (Jul 22, 2014)

Thank you both so much for every bit of advice! I have listened to it and am using it as a basis for my intentions. I made a big step today and confided in a couple that I have been close to. Homeschooling, stable couple-They were utterly shocked and could not believe what I have been dealing with. They offered me friendship and a place to talk and relax. I laughed about the situation for the first time. 
My wife came home shocked to see them here and couldn't relax and act like everything was fine. She left in front of them and lied saying she was needed back at work at 8pm. It was obviously a lie in front of our friends. She seems shocked I am socializing and very fearful. I squeezed a text out of her that she was out having drinks with friends and another text asking if the kids had gone to bed as if nothing was wrong- I didn't answer.
I am disgusted- My friends suggested contacting an attorney and getting answers. They will help me with baby sitting etc. to meet with an attorney.
I have the opportunity to confront the other woman (girl) should I do it? or will that make matters worse? I feel like contacting her girlfriend and getting the living sense beat out of wife by an angry native American lesbian. I'm livid tonight but feel better since I was able to vent and have my situation known. I don't feel so alone and isolated tonight. Thank you.


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## MelodyAnn (Oct 20, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> Of course it's legal! It's YOUR money as long as your name is on the account.
> 
> You can put the money anywhere you like right now. And NO, it won't bite you in the a$$ if you take HALF of it now. Eventually (if you end up getting divorced -- and I'm not saying you are), that money will become part of the "balance sheet" from which they figure a 50/50 split of your assets. But better getting your hands on it NOW instead of trying to get it AFTER she takes 100% of it first.
> 
> Just keep careful documentation showing exactly how much was in there to begin with and how much you took. You're entitled to take it for legal fees, living expenses, etc.


I think this is sound advice. You can also go to your bank and open another account in your name only, link it to your joint account, and move the funds into your solo account that you need to support you and your kids. You two had an agreement that you were to be the stay at home mom, so you gave up income-producing employment to raise your kids. Therefore, you have the responsibility to protect those funds from your spouse's misuse, so you can support your children. It is completely legal, since your name is on both accounts, solo and joint. The 50/50 division, or other proportion for division of money/assets can be figured out later in court; but you will probably end up being entitled to more than half since funds are going towards supporting your children as well. Your possibly soon to be ex-wife will have to pay child support, since she was the breadwinner.


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## MelodyAnn (Oct 20, 2012)

missmylife4 said:


> Thank you both so much for every bit of advice! I have listened to it and am using it as a basis for my intentions. I made a big step today and confided in a couple that I have been close to. Homeschooling, stable couple-They were utterly shocked and could not believe what I have been dealing with. They offered me friendship and a place to talk and relax. I laughed about the situation for the first time.
> My wife came home shocked to see them here and couldn't relax and act like everything was fine. She left in front of them and lied saying she was needed back at work at 8pm. It was obviously a lie in front of our friends. She seems shocked I am socializing and very fearful. I squeezed a text out of her that she was out having drinks with friends and another text asking if the kids had gone to bed as if nothing was wrong- I didn't answer.
> I am disgusted- My friends suggested contacting an attorney and getting answers. They will help me with baby sitting etc. to meet with an attorney.
> I have the opportunity to confront the other woman (girl) should I do it? or will that make matters worse? I feel like contacting her girlfriend and getting the living sense beat out of wife by an angry native American lesbian. I'm livid tonight but feel better since I was able to vent and have my situation known. I don't feel so alone and isolated tonight. Thank you.


I know you feel angry right now, but rather than beat her up of course, use your anger to fuel your motivation to get out of this unhealthy marriage, and save your children from an unstable neglectful parent. YOU CAN DO IT!! Be a strong woman, and don't let this crush you. When things are this bad, things will only get better after the marriage is over.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

MML.
Time for war.
Time to start your preparations. Get a job and skills etc.
If you are in CA... Court does not care what she did. 

1. Go look in the mirror and see the woman you need to take care of first. Tell yourself you can do this.
2. Plan your exit
3. Execute the plan. You write well. That indicates a fairly high iq... Plan and execute.


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## missmylife4 (Jul 22, 2014)

*Re: Very new here-shocked and isolated-UPDATE*

@weightlifter- Thank you for the motivation!
UPDATE- She left and has been staying with a "friend". She has taken her wedding ring off, changed her fb status as "in a relationship" and is allowing her GF to post pics of really rude quotes directed at me followed by a pic of roses that say "so romantic <3 with both their names. I caught it and posted a pic of it on my own wall for ALL of our 146 mutual friends to see. She took all the pics off her own wall and blocked me but not before seeing the outpouring of support towards me from everyone. She texted me for two days trying all different manipulative tactics to get me to take it off my page. She is lying and combative- I cleaned out her entire closet and put everything in the garage. Put a lock on my door and have an apt with an attorney on Wed. and that is that : ) Feeling good because she is exposed and cannot lie or manipulate me any longer- time to start healing, We can all do this, even after 16 years like me- take control and life will start feeling manageable again. Its been a good day : )


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

exposure stings.
Keep taking care of yourself. Sometimes things, items, events, or songs can trigger more emotion that you anticipate-but not always.
I'm sorry you're here.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

*Re: Very new here-shocked and isolated-UPDATE*



missmylife4 said:


> @weightlifter- Thank you for the motivation!
> YW
> I caught it and posted a pic of it on my own wall for ALL of our 146 mutual friends to see. She took all the pics off her own wall and blocked me but not before seeing the outpouring of support towards me from everyone.


NIIIICE. 

Giving it back AND using her own information to do it.

MY Klingon side APPROVES!

Believe it or not, and you are too low to see it, but I think you are starting the turn upward. Note this means descending at a decreasing rate, not yet turned upward.

One day, you will love again. Tell yourself that. Yes its hard.


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