# Dreaming about another Man, Literally...



## Julie

Hello all.. I just want to know your opinions... 

The relationship with my husband has been on a downward spiral for the last 2 years. Right now, I am at the point where I just don't care. I don't care what he thinks, I don't care where he goes, I don't care what he does... I am just so fed up and repulsed by him. I don't even want to have sex with him... 

I haven't told him that I don't want to have sex with him because he repulses me.. My excuses are i'm too tired, it's too late, i'm on my period (I extend it from 3 days to 7 days), i don't feel well... You know the usual. 

So in January I went to get life insurance through a friend (guy) of a friend. The Life ins. company requested my medical records from my doctor and i had told the doctor 6 months prior that I was feeling dizzy... So the life ins. company wanted me to go to a neurologist and get multiple tests done (MRI, MRA). So I did this and it took until early this month to finally get the life ins. 

Anyways, the guy that had been helping me is single, cute, financially on track, went to school to get a master's Degree in Finance, nice, easy going... Everything that i'd want in a husband (total opposite of mine)... The second time I went to see him I kind of felt a connection (early this month)... I didn't flirt and neither did he. It was strictly business. 

But ever since this meeting I can't seem to stop having sexually explicit dreams about him/ with him... My own husband doesn't even turn me on like my dreams do. I am not sure why this is happening and I am not sure how to stop it. 

Does anyone else have this problem?


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## GAsoccerman

first of all why and when did you fall out of love with your current husband? why does he repulse you now?


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## Julie

Well, My H and I have been together for a little under 9 years... Married for 3 yrs. I am 26 and he is 27... It has been happening for about 2 years now. 

I have grown and want different things out of life than he does. I like nice things but I also like to save for my future.. he doesn't want to. He'd rather have a boat... He won't get his GED... I have a Master's Degree in Accounting. He won't quit smoking Pot... 

He thinks I need a man that I can walk all over. In reality he thinks this way because he thinks I am trying to change everything about him. Which is true. I am trying to keep our marriage together by trying to change him into the man i'd rather be with...

We have grown apart... It's just that simple... I grew up and he didn't...


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## GAsoccerman

WEll julie your last line sums it up....it is time to seperate and move on with your life.

Find the man that suits you, I would begin the processs to move and divorce him not.

Sad part is that you will be giving him alimony.


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## Julie

Why would I be giving him alimony? He makes pretty close to what I make.. And plus we have already talked about getting a divorce and he said if we did do it we should keep it fair... And w/o lawyers...


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## michzz

I suspect that being in proximity of any reasonably attractive man would have you reacting this way. You're off your husband, but your libido is still there.

I suggest that you leave your husband before getting laid by someone else. 

Less complicated and your vows are still in place.

Let your fingers do the walking if you have to take the edge off until you split up.

Your husband may be a pot smoker that you detest, but he still is the man you married. You need to respect that you did marry him and supposedly loved him.


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## Deejo

There is no issue at this point with your fantasizing about the other guy. Given your circumstances it makes perfect sense that your mind will wander to greener pastures.

Your position is clear. His position is clear. You both want different things. He isn't going to change for you, and I certainly wouldn't expect you to move in his direction. There are plenty of people that come into our lives with whom we can have chemistry and compatibility - but probably shouldn't marry. 

What's holding you back here? From ending the marriage I mean, not jumping the insurance guy.


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## Julie

My husband really wants to save the marriage.. Work on our issues, but he has yet to quit smoking and won't get his GED... So for me that is not working out our issues. 

Last night he went out with his cousin (who smokes pot) and when he came home, I looked at his eyes and new right away that he smoked... I asked him, did you smoke? He said Yes. At least he's not lying yet... And I said is there a reason why your still smoking. He says, "It's hard to give up." 

So, I am waiting to get some of our bills in check, some savings of my own, and he is laying wood floors in my parents house... I need all of this to be done when i leave him. I am hoping like 2 months...


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## Deejo

There is a world of difference between wanting to work it out, and being willing to work it out.

That was the case in my marriage. We both wanted to save the marriage, but neither was willing to concede to the changes that the other required.

My other piece of advice would be to accept the fact that if you are the one that chooses to initiate the divorce, you will be painted as the bad guy by his friends and family.
You can't sweat it. It's meaningless. Pain and blame are a given, but they are transient.
In that regard, you don't want to give anyone more ammunition by pursuing a new relationship right now. Fantasize, flirt, make plans for the future, but finish the relationship you are in before starting another. Otherwise things get complex and messy.


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## Julie

Thanks for the advice. I will not pursue any relationships... I have never cheated on him and don't plan on it. I have been with him for 9 years... What's another 2 months?

I just wish that he'd understand where I am coming from. He knows I am going to leave him if he doesn't get his act together but yet he continues to do the very thing I am against. Is he trying to show me who's boss? Who wears the pants in the family? 

I know it is not hard to give up... I used to smoke (def. not like him) I gave it up 2 years ago because I said that's it... I am an adult, I want to have kids, just graduated from school, and I am starting my professional career... One day I said that's it... And never smoked again. Was I able to give it up so easy because that's what I wanted? Or is it because I don't have an addictive personality? Him I am guessing that he doesn't want to quit.


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## Deejo

It's a bitter pill.

Part of me admires his 'this is who I am' stance. He obviously is comfortable with his lifestyle and sees no need to change.
The other part feels like, well, 'who you are' is a knucklehead that is about to lose your marriage because you won't work with your partner.

Swap out the issues of pot and education, with intimacy and getting a job, and there is virtually no difference in the dynamic between our circumstances. In our case however, my ex _did_ start a relationship. 
My wife was happy with our marriage. She felt bad, but could neither reconcile why I was so unhappy, nor did she want to make any significant changes to what was required of her to contribute to my happiness.

That's it. End of story. You either make the painful choice to pursue what you require and deserve, or you make the equally painful choice of staying, only to become bitter, spiteful and unfulfilled. If you don't have a partner, you don't have a marriage.

Sounds like you have a tremendous amount going for you, which of course also means that you have a tremendous amount to offer the man that you _undoubtedly_ will meet who shares your goals and values.


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## Julie

Deejo - Thanks for your input. I really appreciate it. 

Last night he smoked again... He went and played Poker (I used to go with him but have since stopped) and then went to the Ale House for Drinks... I don't mind him playing poker and going out for drinks, it's the smoking!!! 

I have been contemplating my next move and I am wondering if I should give him the ultimatum... Quit Smoking and get your GED, or I will leave you! Or do I even bother... He's obviously does not care what I think or what I want in life.


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## dcrim

When you say leave...do you mean D? Or a separation? 

If it's the latter, then go ahead. 

The D is always a final option if he still won't change or relapses.


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## heartysoul

Julie - 

It sounds like your husband has a drug issue. When he says "it's hard to stop" have you done everything you can to support him and help him find ways to stop. Marijuana addiction is often ignored as a serious problem but it sounds like it could be in your case. Before you walk away, just make sure you've done what you would expect him to do if the roles were reversed. You just don't want to think back ten years from now and wonder if you should've done something else.

It's also absolutely understandable why you feel the way you do and how you've grown up differently. Just be honest with him. If you're serious about divorce then you have nothing to lose. You should tell him calmly everything you're feeling, even your fantasies about the other man. Either this will wake him up or it will make your decision to leave easier. Plus by having he backbone to talk to him openly and honestly you will grow and learn for a possible future relationship.


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## Deejo

Julie said:


> I have been contemplating my next move and I am wondering if I should give him the ultimatum... Quit Smoking and get your GED, or I will leave you! Or do I even bother... He's obviously does not care what I think or what I want in life.


You know him best. If he already feels that you are trying to 'get him under your thumb', an ultimatum will only be further evidence to him that you are looking for control and capitulation. If he does what you want, he will resent the choice, and you.

I didn't make an ultimatum for just that reason. I knew what my spouses reaction would be. Even when I told her that I was making plans to move out - _she_ tried to frame it as an ultimatum or a threat. Nothing changed regardless. 

If he is either unwilling or unready to make the changes you desire to move the relationship forward - it will continue to drive you nuts too. 

My wife and I planned on a one year separation - to see if we could reconcile. Nine months in now, and we chose to dissolve the marriage. All of the things that I love about her are still there. All of the things that I cannot tolerate are still there as well.


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## Julie

HeartySoul - I have tried... I have been trying to get him to quit for like 4 years now... I am not the type to just take his sh!t and throw it away... Because I do not want him to hate me. So what I have done in the past is let him know it is out of control and he needs to get his pot smoking in check. So together we have thrown everything out and cleared the entire house of any pot related stuff... And because it takes a couple of days to get out of your system... I have had Tylenol PM for when he can't sleep, things to do (like go out) so he doesn't think about it. 

He has quit in the past for a month here, 2 months there... But never just gave it up. He has to be ready. When HE decided to quit smoking cigarettes he gave it up cold turkey and I supported his choice (I don't smoke). I never forced him to quit. It has been 3 1/2 years and he doesn't even think about cigarettes. 

I don't think I could tell him about my fantasies.. I think he will resent me and push himself away from me completely. He will probably feel like less of a man and no longer feel the way he does about me. He is a jealous person so this could destroy his trust with me. He may feel as though any day now I am going to cheat on him... Even though he knows I won't... 

Deejo - I have never given him an ultimatum and I am wondering if this is why he isn't listening to me. He knows he can continue to do it and I won't do anything about it. Or at least he thinks I won't leave him... But truthfully I don't even care anymore. I don't care if he smokes, I don't care what he does... I am so over the fact that he just ignores my requests...

I would love to do the separation thing but we have NEVER EVER separated in the course of our relationship. He has always said once we split up, THAT'S IT. No Break up Make up BS. So I have a feeling it is going to be a full out divorce. 

We have talked divorce and he said if we break up I don't think I could ever trust anyone ever again? I am not sure why he would think this way... I have never given him a reason not to trust me. I just want him to grow up and be the man I know he can be.


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## Feelingalone

Julie,

The threat of seperation might be just the thing to start his realization. It doesn't even have to be a "we are seperating for months or whatever timeline", it could be tell him to leave for a week. 

My w did that to me. Now we have a child so I would come home after work and be with them until he went to bed and then leave for the night and repeat. Did that from a Sunday night until Friday night. I was a mess. Then I said something a couple of weeks later that pissed her off and had to do it for a night (My birthday of all days) and pissed her off again a little later and left for a week again. 

Now the first one was the ultimatum, the next couple were more from her anger at me for "finally getting it". 

What I'm saying is the seperation can work for him - if he is willing. Just remember that you will most likely be angry at him if he is willing for having to smack him upside the head like that to get his attention. That is where my w is now - she wants to punish, hurt from the anger. 

Counseling is helping us both. But just remember, it does take two to tango. Issues get created from both of you and how you communicate about them. I know I am to blame for a lot between my w and me, but she does too. And it really isn't blame it is just how people interact with each other over time. Patterns get set and that can build over time.

Right now he is not listening to you. He hears what you say, but it isn't registering for some reason. You must look to see why for yourself whether the two of you make it or not so as not to repeat anything in the future. For my w it is her rigidity and argumentative style starting a conversation. She starts like that and I retreat. She gave an example to the counselor the other day and the counselor said, well that won't work with anyone you'll either get zingers right back or silence. I went silent. So think about it. Maybe go to counseling.


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## Julie

So on Friday night he wanted to smoke, mind you, he smoked on Wed. and Thurs. So anyways I said NO YOU ARE NOT SMOKING!! He said but I only took a couple of hits, I said I don't care, you still smoked! 

We were heading over to his parents house (he was going to smoke there) and I said why don't we grab a six pack and we'll drink some beers with them... He said no, I want to smoke. So, instead of going to his parents house we just went home. 

Let me tell you about his parents... They used to smoke back in the days when they were in their 20's. His dad hasn't smoked since and his mom will take a couple of hits. But they BOTH know that I will leave my husband if he doesn't quit. Yet they continue to allow him to smoke when he goes to there house!

So anyways, he was sooo pissed that I would not let him smoke. He said, sometimes I wish I was single so I could do what I want, when I want without being controlled by you! Then he said maybe I need a girl who doesn't care what I DO! I said, so go find yourself someone who doesn't care about you, who doesn't care where your life goes, who doesn't care that you smoke and drive... If that's what you want!

We drove in silence for the next 10 min. I popped in a movie that we rented and watched it together... No talking...

After the movie he said sometimes I wonder if we should be looking for a house/condo? Because I don't think this relationship is going to work out.

All this because I wouldn't let him smoke. Makes me wonder. I think if I made him choose between ME or the POT - He would definitely choose the POT.


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## dcrim

Offer him a separation. See how life goes on his own. Make sure your money accounts are separated, though...


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## Julie

Dcrim - I have thought about that. I think I will do it in two months though. I am going to start separating our bank accounts. I m going to change my direct deposit over to my account. I will also change all of the automatic withdrawals that belong to me over to my own account.


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## Hera

I do not agree that sexy dreams are indicative of anything. "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar."

What's happening in the OP's conscious world are serious issues.


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## Michelle Evans-Street

I'd like to know how this story ended, as it has been a few years since this all went down! I'm in a kind of similar situation (and with the dreams, but about someone I know.)


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## rockon

Unfortunately, the person who started this thread has not been on TAM for well over 7 years.

Highly doubt they will be back.


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