# what to do with all this evidence?



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

This topic might have been more appropriate for the section Life After Divorce but I am hoping to get more input here.

Some of you may know my story(see My Life as a Single Mother in the LIfe After Divorce section), basically now ex H had an affair, I caught him with tons of proof. I exposed he filed immediately for divorce never apologized nor felt any remorse. 

My question is what do I do with all this evidence? His mother to this day has refused to see even a shred of evidence, his brother and few other people that matter have seen the most obvioius emails etc. In the meantime I have been treated by most of his family as if I am the one that had an affair with an exception of ex MIL who will at least occasionally call.

I feel like this evidence is holding me back to move on. Should I just make a package and send one to ex MIL and one to ex H?

Ex Husband now goes around and tells people(who have not seen the evidence) that we have had problems for years. Of course no mention of the A. That's really hurtful when I hear about it.

We have a son that is now 2 1/2 years old so I have to be in contact with him. H stayed in the US and only family my son has in this town from his dad's side is my ex MIL.

What should I do?

Thanks


----------



## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

I just flipped back through some of your previous posts to get the gist of your story, and immediately the narcissism/NPD jumped out at me. I have to say two things:

1) leave your ex out of it...seeking any kind of closure from him seems too likely to blow up in your face to even be worth the risk. I say this especially since I saw mention that you two have been relatively agreeable, I would just want to keep it that way.

2) I have thought long and hard about discussing my revelations about my husband with his family, and the conclusion I have come to is that it would just make me look crazy. Narcissists are smooth and you never really know one until you are super close to them--either they know about him already, or they will never allow themselves to see it.

I would just destroy the evidence. Do a little ritual if that appeals to you, lol. You are divorced, moving on with your life...just let it go. That's what I'd do.

((hugs))


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I must have exhausted google trying to put my situation in that search engine and many times the NPD popped up. We have been divorced since Sep 2010 and trust me if I did not have I would have cut him and his family completely loose. ex BIL/SIL have not even called in a year to even ask how our son is doing let alone to ask how I am doing. Seems like this entire family is narcisstic. However I cannot say that the pain has been any lesser. I still have dark days especially weekends/long weekends.


----------



## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

notreadytoquit said:


> I must have exhausted google trying to put my situation in that search engine and many times the NPD popped up. We have been divorced since Sep 2010 and trust me if I did not have I would have cut him and his family completely loose. ex BIL/SIL have not even called in a year to even ask how our son is doing let alone to ask how I am doing. Seems like this entire family is narcisstic. However I cannot say that the pain has been any lesser. I still have dark days especially weekends/long weekends.


I have to say, reading through your Live as a Single Mother thread, I did think your expectations were very high of both your ex and his family. When I think about the possibility of divorce, I remind myself that it will then be H's responsibility to ensure that our son sees that side of the family--not mine. It's just easier that way, so everyone can move on. We are not all cut out to be Bruce and Demi, lol. 

And in communicating with your ex...how friendly do you really want to be? H's ex wife used to call all the time and want to talk for an hour about how her life was going, her job, etc. It sounds callous, but he didn't care, nor did I want him to. It wasn't about her anymore, their relationship was over. It was about their daughter and co-parenting. Just seems like you are having a hard time letting go...understandably, of course.  But I hope you can get into IC soon, I think it will really help!


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> My question is what do I do with all this evidence?


Put it in the garage or loft out of sight, keep it for a while longer, you never know if he says or tries tries something you may need to call on it.

One day in the future when you are ready dump it.


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

When I communicate with him it's only about our son. I don't talk about my life or what I do. He is picking up son in June to spend two weeks with him. In the meantime I am taking a vacation out of the country. I was wondering if I should let him know that I will be out of the country or not. I am actually going to the CAribbean so he can reach me on my cell phone if needed. He went on business to Australia in the winter and told me just a day before that he was going there. I don't know to me it would be polite, appropriate to advise if I was going to be away outside of North America in case of emergency for our son. But that's just me.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

notreadytoquit~

In a way I think you are still operating under the illusion that "people should..." (do X Y or Z). To be specific, in a divorce the in-laws SHOULD still behaving in a civil way to the ex if for no other reason than because the ex is the co-parent of their grandchild. 

HOWEVER, here is real life. In real life, you are divorced from your exH. This means he is like the milkman to you. He is like the guy who pumps your gas. Do you expect the milkman's brother to call and see how you are? Do you think you owe it to the the guy who pumps your gas to have his family see your son? Then why do you expect that of your ex and his family? Treat him and his family like the guy you see in the grocery store. Do you inform the guy in the grocery store when you are going out of town? Do you send the grocery man's family Christmas cards? Birthday cards? 

Okay once you have that in your mind, THAT is what you owe your ex and his family. Now, if they approach you on their own and say, "We loved you for 15 years and even if we aren't related by marriage, we'd like to remain friends" ... THEN you remain friends like the lady in your class. No more! If they do not approach you, then they are no longer part of your life--you owe them nothing (including seeing your son) and they owe you nothing. 

When your exH picks up your son for the two week visit, you give him a piece of paper that says: "In case of emergency I can be reached at 123-456-7890 The Hilton Room 4" and that is IT!! He doesn't need to know where you're going, why, or for how long. You are the clerk in the mall to him now. Get it? 

As for the evidence, keep it until you are ready to burn it. Put it into storage/safe keeping. Then when you're ready to completely move forward without it, burn it and let it go.


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> notreadytoquit~
> 
> In a way I think you are still operating under the illusion that "people should..." (do X Y or Z). To be specific, in a divorce the in-laws SHOULD still behaving in a civil way to the ex if for no other reason than because the ex is the co-parent of their grandchild.
> 
> ...


The only person that gets a bday/christmas card is my Ex MIL. She sends me one I send her one. I have adopted that attitude already" if you care about me, I will care about you" but sometimes I slip implementing it. 

As for the vacation I am going to that's exactly what i had in mind doing. Just giving him a small note with the phone number/name of the resort.

Thank you all for your thoughts and support.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You're divorced? What might you ever need it for? I wouldn't mail it to anyone. There's no point. Who cares what his family thinks? If you might need it someday, stick it in a safe deposit box at the bank and leave it until you need it. If you'll never need it, have a party, get drunk and burn it. Watch the ugly memories go up in smoke and after your hangover, drive on with a new life. You've lost enough already and life is too short and uncertain to be dragging a bunch of ugly crap around with you.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Anonymous_Female said:


> 2) I have thought long and hard about discussing my revelations about my husband with his family, and the conclusion I have come to is that it would just make me look crazy. Narcissists are smooth and you never really know one until you are super close to them--either they know about him already, or they will never allow themselves to see it.


This is so true! And the other problem is that a narcissist doesn't just happen--they usually come from a family of narcissist. They love to spread their cheer. Therefore, there is no point in sending the family any proof. Been there, done that. They are so full of themselves, they can't see it.

I would probably just have a big bonfire to celebrate getting rid of a narcissist. I will probably do the same once the divorce is final.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I missed the part about this guy having NPD. Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition! You liberated yourself from a narcissist!!!!! Took me 12 years to get rid of mine and it was like the weight of the entire world instantly fell off my shoulders. Celibrate! Light fire to your stack of evidence, get plastered and dance naked in the moonlight! You retrieved your life from the abyss and anything is possible, now!


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

well he is not diagnosed but the gazillion articles I have read on NPD he certainly exhibits almost all the characteristics. If nothing I think he is borderline.


----------



## candice912 (Sep 4, 2010)

notreadytoquit said:


> well he is not diagnosed but the gazillion articles I have read on NPD he certainly exhibits almost all the characteristics. If nothing I think he is borderline.


All of the characteristics that you find on google, we all have them. We are all a little NPD, a little introverted and extroverted. We all suffer depression, and experience grandiose thoughts from time to time. It's just a matter of degree. There has to be a professional diagnosis to qualify. 

He might be a narccist, but then maybe he is just moving on with his life, which is hurting you deeply and seems selfish and cold in your perspective. I've been through divorce before, so I know your pain. 

His family being npd? Look at it this way: When you marry a man, you don't just marry the person, you marry the whole family. The same holds true when you get divorced. When you divorce someone, you divorce the family. I know it's hard to take, but that's the way it is. Generally, blood is thicker than water, so they will side with him over you. They really don't want to look at those documents, because the last place anyone wants to be is forced to take sides in somebody's divorce. 

As for the evidence, yes, get it out of your immediate life and move on. Since you have children and he is blaming you, I'd take the evidence, seal it away and into the cold storage or safety deposit box it goes unless you need to defend yourself later, perhaps for the kids sake. 

Wrap this up, take care of yourself and work on moving forward.


----------

