# Very difficult in-laws



## fep413

Been married to a nice Italian girl for 20 years. We have a 17 yr old son. We were both born and raised in the NYC suburb of Staten Island. We now live in Northeast Pennsylvannia for the 
2nd time. Now, an incident happened due to my wife missing her family and friends, that has empowered her mother (+ father) to forcefully and completely closemindedly tell me that their daughter is a city girl, and she needs people around her. They say they know she's depressed because she misses her family, but moved to the country for me. {Believe me, my wife has a mind of her own}, but does have a weak spot somewhat when dealing with her character-disordered parents. Her parents think they are never wrong, and always find blame in others. Now they want us to move back to Staten Island, because "PA is for old people, or people that were born there", etc, etc.--These in-laws are expert debaters, and they'll team up on me to the point, that any attempt of me to say my point of view, they overpower me ...They make me so angry, I almost want to just say to my wife "lets just go our separate ways. I didn't think I was also marrying your parents" I don't want to live in the suburbs ever again. I love the country. I love the beauty, and nature, my 2nd amendment rights, no traffic jams, no long lines...How should I handle this? If I go back there, I know I'll resent everyone, and be a walking powder-keg ready to explode. I need advice, on how to handle this.


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## Freak On a Leash

Tell them to mind their own business...or better yet ask your wife to do so but if she won't then you tell them. 

Why do you have to listen to their crap? 

No, you don't.


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## east2west

They want you to move to Staten Island?

I don't love anyone enough to do that.


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## Freak On a Leash

east2west said:


> They want you to move to Staten Island?
> 
> I don't love anyone enough to do that.


:iagree: Staten Island makes NJ look good. :rofl:


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## Chris Taylor

Could it be possible that your wife is opening up with her unhappiness to her parents because you haven't caught on yet? So the parents, maybe even without your wife's knowledge, carry her water for her and take the "fight" to you.


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## fep413

There were little drips n drabs let out I found out from my wife, but she admits she shouldn't have let them in on our personal business. She has a vast knowledge and experience with their techniques of being master infiltrators, ..Last night after speaking at length with my wife about how we need to deal with them in the future,there was a classic exchange. First, I told my wife, it's not a good idea for us to accept a $500 loan from your sister, and 4 new tires from your parents, they’ll just use it against us in the future. (Like they did a few years back when we lived downstairs from them, and were having a tough time, and they didn't charge us rent for a year. (Believe me, they are well into a position to do this without feeling it one bit. First time there were words between me and father-in-law, mother in law comes right down screaming in my face, throwing a box of tissues across the room as my {then} 8 yr. old son stood screaming + crying in fear, "We carried you for a year."..."A YEAR!"...Etc etc. Anyway, last night, my wife handled them pretty good on the phone. When she got off, she said, her mother was saying, "You know, Frank likes books, and writing, and is content with that, ...you like people!" 
She was saying things to show a dividing of us, instead of trying to encourage us sensibly to perhaps move closer, or to a more convenient location, which we have every intention of doing when my son graduates in June...We have a plan. We're going to sell the house in a couple months, and contact a real estate in Bucks county, PA, which is the closest directly across from Staten Island, at New Jerseys narrowest point. It's only 48 miles from there to Staten Island, and I-78 runs right throughout it. A great compromise, that'll keep our family together, and meet both sides needs. Of course, the mother found something wrong with that too. Incorrectly saying, it's 2 hours still. It's not! I told my wife, you can't argue with a sick, character-disordered- person. Years ago, a friend with a MSW, CAC spoke to her, explaining addiction, and the 12 step programs, and he left shaking his head, saying, "I have never met 2 people that I couldn't get through to." This is what we're dealing with here. I told my wife, just tell them, we'll work it out between husband and wife...And when she continues questioning you in a louder voice, just repeat that over and over, then politely say you have to go, and hang up.


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## d4life

Your wife needs to stop dumping her issues on her parents. They will stand up for her every single time. I learned that in the first 6 months of my marriage, and I get reminded very quickly if I ever say anything that I am unhappy about. She needs to keep them out of of your relationship.

You are also right that you should never borrow money or ask for help when you have family like that who will use it against you in the future.

I think your plan of moving after your son graduates in June sounds like a very reasonable compromise to me. They should be thankful that you are willing to do this. It's just close enough, but not to close. I feel like they would be in your face way to much if you moved by them.


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## fep413

Thank You. She is definitely toughening up and becoming more and more outraged at their intrusive nature. She's spoke to me about what she's prepared to answer them all next conversation, and I'm proud and impressed at her courage, and love for me, to do this...Thank You all for your support.


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## turnera

You guys should spend a little on MC so you can air how you feel about her need to please her parents.


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## Hicks

One of the greatest mistakes you can ever make in life is getting loans from family members or free handouts from in-laws. It kills their respect for you. That was a mistake. Nothing comes with no strings attached. As an adult when you take money from your parents the string is they tell you how to live your life. 

I think what they want is their daughter to be married to a man that can fully support her and her child as a husband and a father. Your post sounds very selifsh in you are living in the country becuase of what it means to you as an individual. From the outside looking in it does not seem suprising how they are acting toward you.

But at the same time, if your wife is on board with your plan, and she fully agrees to it, then you are right to avoid people who are threats to your marriage.


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## fep413

To "Hicks"

My wife is "on board" with me, as you put it. My wife and I spoke at length about everything today, and we now are in tune with each other. Her parents, if you knew them as we do, and their history, are sick, self-serving, rude, arrogant, super-ignorant, past child abusers, and much more. I do not wish to debate with anyone about this anymore, and I appreciate anybody who gave their advice, and outlook. I'm actually, an easygoing, peace-loving, person. I continuously seek self-improvement, and agree with a quote I heard once that went like this:
"People pay for what they do, and still more, for what they allow themselves to become, and they pay for it, simply, by the lives they lead." - C.S. Lewis


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## HuggyBear

Really, I can't offer any advice here for dealing with in-laws, but why not tell them you understand that she is a "city girl", and that you've been contemplating a job offer in LA, LV, or anywhere west of the Pecos... check the reaction and then you can fully judge.

But my in-laws speak only Russian, no English at all, besides "hello" and "goodbye". If you had married a girl from Brighton Beach, you'd have no problems, and a great "grey market" lucrative job.


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## fep413

To HuggyBear

Thanks for your insightful reply. I like your idea of "agreeing" she's a city girl, so thats why we're moving to {for an extreme version of your idea}, ~Anchorage Alaska~....!!!..lol


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## heavensangel

Love Huggy Bear's suggestion ie: further west. Lol! 

Next time MIL brings the subject up with your wife, tell your wife to tell her: Mom, you have two choices 1) You can either respect OUR (our needs to be stressed; shows her you're both on the same page) decision to move within 48 m of you and not mention it again or 2) Keep badgering us and we'll go with our plan B and that's to move as far west away from you as possible. The ball's in your court! You just let us know! 

NEVER EVER borrow money/live off of family members. This just gives them the leverage they need to control your lives! Do what you have to to NOT borrow money from any family member. 

My H stepdad is Italian...he has no problem voicing his opinion on anything....how we handle him is: we hear it, then do what we want to anyway. On a positive note..... our exSIL (BILs ex) is Italian......her family is very close; however, they do draw the line @ meddling. Her and her family are some of the nicest people I've ever met.


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## daffodilly

Honestly, they sound like the type of in laws you NEED to live at least 2 hours away from, for the sanity of your marriage.

My own parents are Italian, so I'm very familiar with the culture. Mine aren't so bad, but I've had aunts/uncles who are very similar to your inlaws. They want their daughter close to home for THEIR needs, not their daughters. Make no mistake. 

Don't ever accept any financial help from them, and to be honest, your wife shouldn't even be divulging any of your future moving plans with them. At all. Keep it between you two.


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## Bobby5000

Your wife apparently has a decent relationship with her parents and is close to them which is understandable. You are somewhat controlling and do not like to hear discord. Everyone loves Pa is apparently the party line with any deviation not permitted. 
I don't blame her parents for speaking up if they think a move and an environment with more restaurants would make her happier. 

The solutions are obvious. You should be polite and respectful but not argue with her parents. You can simply make it clear that they are not involved in the decision, at least with any discussions with you. You can talk to your wife and discuss what she wants. 

The rule I have followed, if the wife is happy in the house, everyone is happy, if she's not, no one is happy.


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## Hopelessus

Wifes family will always be there to chime in. My mom does. But sometimes she is right and I never listen or believe it. As horrible as it sounds parents will always know their children more than anyone. The fact that they are expressing concern for their daughter is good. The fact that she is opening up to you is good also. But, the main problem of where to live is difficult. Perhaps you guys can make a list of the pros and cons of your current location and what you miss about the city. Try to find similar things to do there that you both would enjoy. I know PA is pretty boring, but maybe starting a new interest will help.Also from SI (Brooklynite) and you are right about the nightmare of traffic. It's a give and take anywhere you move.


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## Orange_Pekoe

fep413 said:


> Been married to a nice Italian girl for 20 years. We have a 17 yr old son. We were both born and raised in the NYC suburb of Staten Island. We now live in Northeast Pennsylvannia for the
> 2nd time. Now, an incident happened due to my wife missing her family and friends, that has empowered her mother (+ father) to forcefully and completely closemindedly tell me that their daughter is a city girl, and she needs people around her. They say they know she's depressed because she misses her family, but moved to the country for me. {Believe me, my wife has a mind of her own}, but does have a weak spot somewhat when dealing with her character-disordered parents. Her parents think they are never wrong, and always find blame in others. Now they want us to move back to Staten Island, because "PA is for old people, or people that were born there", etc, etc.--These in-laws are expert debaters, and they'll team up on me to the point, that any attempt of me to say my point of view, they overpower me ...They make me so angry, I almost want to just say to my wife "lets just go our separate ways. I didn't think I was also marrying your parents" I don't want to live in the suburbs ever again. I love the country. I love the beauty, and nature, my 2nd amendment rights, no traffic jams, no long lines...How should I handle this? If I go back there, I know I'll resent everyone, and be a walking powder-keg ready to explode. I need advice, on how to handle this.


Tell your in laws that it's not their decision, and to stop interfering. Don't listen to them.

Instead, listen to your wife. What does she want? How does she feel?

If she wants to move back in to the city, you need to take it into serious consideration. But if her family drives you crazy, don't move in to the same city that they're in - move in to a different far away one!

My marriage ended because of my in laws. I have no pity for interfering meddling idiots.


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## Bobby5000

Heaven's Angel writes, "Next time MIL brings the subject up with your wife, tell your wife to tell her: Mom, you have two choices 1) You can either respect OUR (our needs to be stressed; shows her you're both on the same page) decision to move within 48 m of you and not mention it again or 2) Keep badgering us and we'll go with our plan B and that's to move as far west away." 

And then three days later, when husband is gone, daughter calls her mother and starts crying on the phone and apologizes for talking as she did but says she is miserable out in Pennsylvania and missed her family but does not want to destroy her marriage and her husband was very upset. She says she would love to spend more time with mom and dad but husband gets very angry every time she mentions it. Mom and dad say she should stand up to him if that's what she wants and we're back in business. 

Husband screams at his wife, we want to live in Pennsylvania, do you understand that, we want to live in Pennsylvania. He says, we love being in a place where you have no family, few friends, and I can hunt and have a big property. 

My suggestion, the two should work on a place closer to her family, not next door, but so she can see her parents. Compromise is the secret to a good marriage.


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## Nucking Futs

Zombie thread. Let it die again.


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