# Masturbation in marriage, I feel left out.



## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

I woke up this morning and my husband was jerking off at the computer. I'm not disgusted and I know that he does it when I'm not around or when I'm asleep. He doesn't want to wake me up or just doesn't want to have sex with me for some reason. 

I feel deflated, I know it's stupid. This is what men do and I've done it too. It's just upsetting to me and I don't know why. I picked a fight about it and I've apologized now because I overreacted. 

So for the married people, do you ever feel weird about your s.o. masturbating? Do you feel left out?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

For some it is there only form of release due to a partner who is no longer interested in having sex. Not suggesting this is the case with you but it happens.


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

I don't think it's that, there are circumstances of why we don't have sex often. I'm not on b/c so 4 times a week is the max that we feel comfortable with...we don't want kids yet. I know that he does it, this is just the first time I've seen it myself! I don't blame him at all, we could be having sex everyday and twice a day and he still would do it. I just feel inadequate and that makes me sad. :/


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

What does B/C have to do with frequency?


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

We don't use condoms so it's just pull out method. That can only work for so long and the more often we do it that way, the more chance of an unwanted pregnancy.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Sounds like your H has a good normal male sex drive with a lot of hormonal release. Not only is that totally normal, it is healthy as well!

If you're not really wanting pregnancy at this particular point in time, then go see your OB/Gyn and have them prescribe a good birth control pill for you that would allow much more spontaneity in your lovemaking sessions.

Otherwise, I would not be totally concerned with his "one-handed" solo sessions, unless of course, that their frequency begins to seriously affect your normal marital sexual repertoire!

The best thing that you can do is to sit down and talk with him about it in a loving and nonaccusatory manner!

Best of luck to you two! *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

ticktock33 said:


> We don't use condoms so it's just pull out method. That can only work for so long and the more often we do it that way, the more chance of an unwanted pregnancy.


Considering the pull out method is little more than hope, statistically, you are correct, the more often you have sex the more chances of pregnancy. Just like, the more times you cross the street without looking, the higher your chances are of getting hit by a car. IOW, the pull out method is NOT a birth control measure. Particularly is your young husband masturbates daily. If he masturbates in the morning then has sex with you that night, his precome may contain live, viable sperm. 

If you don't want children, get a real birth control method. 

It's natural to feel that your partners sexual energy should be directed toward you. Perhaps this might help, some masturbation is nothing more than scratching an itch. I'm sure you've had a mosquito bite. If you scratch it, you have the direct feedback loop that directs your actions in order to relieve the itch fastest. Same with masturbation. Sometimes, especially with a very high drive person, stroking one out keeps the tension from building to uncomfortable levels.

Next time you catch him masturbating, sit down to watch. Smile at him and "coach" him through it. :x


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *Sounds like your H has a good normal male sex drive with a lot of hormonal release. Not only is that totally normal, it is healthy as well!
> 
> If you're not really wanting pregnancy at this particular point in time, then go see your OB/Gyn and have them prescribe a good birth control pill for you that would allow much more spontaneity in your lovemaking sessions.
> 
> ...


Thank you!


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Considering the pull out method is little more than hope, statistically, you are correct, the more often you have sex the more chances of pregnancy. Just like, the more times you cross the street without looking, the higher your chances are of getting hit by a car. IOW, the pull out method is NOT a birth control measure. Particularly is your young husband masturbates daily. If he masturbates in the morning then has sex with you that night, his precome may contain live, viable sperm.
> 
> If you don't want children, get a real birth control method.
> 
> ...


After I got upset, I realized that I could have made it a nicer moment for both of us and joined in or helped out. But instead I just made him feel bad, my ego got in the way and just took over.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

ticktock33 said:


> We don't use condoms so it's just pull out method. That can only work for so long and the more often we do it that way, the more chance of an unwanted pregnancy.


Why?


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> Why?


I don't mind condoms, but my husband hates them. Plus it gets expensive. Birth control is tricky because I've been on a lot of different kinds. They've all made me very sick, I've tried the ring and was on that for years. Then after those few years I noticed that I had no sex drive at all, when we did have sex it was like a chore which isn't like me. That caused a lot of problems with the relationship, lots of resentment. So I've been off of any kind of b/c for 2 years now, I'm not sure what else I can try. I've tried them all except the iud. The pull out method seems to be a happy medium. As we are getting older and will want kids in the next few years, it seems easier than having to wait until everything is out of my system.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I hate condoms too, but to be honest, I hate not having sex, and I would hate an unwanted pregnancy even more. Sounds like your husband needs to learn to accept to wrap it.

AP is right in that eventually it will fail. Ultimately you have to take the risks with which you are confortable.

ETA: My wife's co-worker is about to have her first. They used the pull out method combined with family planning...


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> I hate condoms too, but to be honest, I hate not having sex, and if I would hate an unwanted pregnancy even more. Sounds like your husband needs to learn to accept to wrap it.
> 
> AP is right in that eventually it will fail. Ultimately you have to take the risks with which you are confortable.
> 
> ETA: My wife's co-worker is about to have her first. They used the pull out method combined with family planning...


I told him it's like playing with fire, but he is stubborn. He doesn't listen, so we'll see.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

IUD? Sounds like you've thought about the whole subject fairly thoroughly at least. In light of your last comment I'm concerned about his attitude long term. 

A slight compromise might be to add the natural family planning method to at least know when fertility is highest and use a condom for that period.


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

Yes, I've tried every method! IUD would the the last option, but it might be the last one. What makes you concerned for his long term attitude? He knows my cycles better than I do, we're very careful about everything. When the fertility is at the highest, we just abstain. The whole thing is awkward, I just want to be on birth control or decide to have kids and try for it. It just isn't the right time but I'm getting up there in age now I think. I'm 32, he is 35 but that doesn't really matter on his end.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

It is a very selfish attitude. I understand the dislike but if your wife has made a real effort and run through all the options, time to suck it up. To be totally unwilling is, to me at least, unreasonable. Unless, you have talked through the consequences. At 32 you still have say 3 or 4 years of fairly high fertility left and another 10+ of declining fertility. 

Are both of you ok with the likelihood of having a couple unplanned kids in the next ten years? If yes, that's great, carry on. If no, that's a problem...


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

ticktock33 said:


> Yes, I've tried every method! IUD would the the last option, but it might be the last one. What makes you concerned for his long term attitude? He knows my cycles better than I do, we're very careful about everything. When the fertility is at the highest, we just abstain. The whole thing is awkward, I just want to be on birth control or decide to have kids and try for it. It just isn't the right time but I'm getting up there in age now I think. I'm 32, he is 35 but that doesn't really matter on his end.


If you want kids, it will never feel like the right time when you read all the statistics on how much it costs to raise kids. One thing is for sure is that the older you get, the less energy you will have throughout the day, and kids do take a tremendous amount of energy as they often require active 24/7 supervision. If you want any kids, do not wait. 

As for birth control, I have been through similar things with my wife as we used the pull out method while in between having kids and that tended to work for us, but being stressed out about having kids will play havoc on your emotional closeness during intimacy. I would not recommend an IUD as those contain hormones, and the ones that do not will tend to be very rough on your cycles.

Your best bet are condoms for now, and I would strongly recommend lambskin condoms. While they are expensive they do conduct heat better from partner to partner since it is skin on skin contact. Combining a few of those with the pull out method in an environment where the two of you would not mind the possibility of children will probably be the best method. Depending on where you live, shop around as lambskin condoms can be more than twice as expensive than others. Just looking around, I see they are now $5 each (pack of 3) at a local pharmacy or only $2 each online in packs of 10. 

As for feeling left out with masturbation, it seems like you each have a healthy attitude but your instincts are likely trying to tell you something. It is always OK to get upset and talk about things and argue with your spouse in a caring way. It is NOT OK to allow your spouse to continue doing something that hurts you in anyway, and the two of you should talk about that so that he can be mindful.

As for his masturbation, perhaps you could participate in that in creative ways so that it is something that the two of you share in the form of playful foreplay. An example might be a game of tease and denial to where you buy him a cheap pack of condoms and tell him he has to use those to masturbate and the only one that can touch his unclad penis directly is you. > This game will also get him more used to the sensation of condoms.

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

ticktock33 said:


> I just want to be on birth control or decide to have kids and try for it. It just isn't the right time but I'm getting up there in age now I think. I'm 32, he is 35 but that doesn't really matter on his end.


Hi ticktock,

What's preventing you from trying for kids now? It does matter on his end too. Kids take time and lots of energy.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

The more he ejaculates the lower his sperm count.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

The underlying message I'm hearing here is not that he masturbates, but that he would rather masturbate by himself than use a condom with you. I'm also hearing that you would rather he masturbate by himself than look into getting yourself an IUD.

Have either of you thought about non-penetrative sexual activity? You could masturbate together, or have oral sex, etc. You can be sexual together in ways that don't involve danger of pregnancy.

As for the pull-out method, well, once you're pregnant, you can go at it like bunnies!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

ticktock33 said:


> It just isn't the right time but I'm getting up there in age now I think. I'm 32, he is 35 but that doesn't really matter on his end.


Actually, yes it does matter on his end. Sorry for the mini thread jack, but disinformation about male fertility is unwise to spread around.

A man?s age matters


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> The underlying message I'm hearing here is not that he masturbates, but that he would rather masturbate by himself than use a condom with you. I'm also hearing that you would rather he masturbate by himself than look into getting yourself an IUD.
> 
> Have either of you thought about non-penetrative sexual activity? You could masturbate together, or have oral sex, etc. You can be sexual together in ways that don't involve danger of pregnancy.
> 
> As for the pull-out method, well, once you're pregnant, you can go at it like bunnies!


We talked about it and he says that he doesn't want to bother me at night. He doesn't want to wake me up because it's not a job. I get that and it's considerate, sometimes I do just want to sleep. We have both turned each other down in the middle of the night plenty of times.
But sex is a very long process if I am going to be comfortable. For him, he is ready in a minute. For me it takes time and even more time if I'm stressed and I usually am. It's like a bodily function for him, quickies usually don't go well for us.

You are right, I just feel like a burden. No one wants to feel that way, but it is what it is. I don't want to stop him. I'll ask him if he would be willing to do other things to include me. It reminds me of that episode of Sex and the City when Charlotte was worried that Trey was impotent, but she found him in the bathroom masturbating.

I would rather we have sex. I'm not being lazy, but I've looked at all the b/c and they've all given me problems. I'm afraid and I've heard very bad stories about them.


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> Actually, yes it does matter on his end. Sorry for the mini thread jack, but disinformation about male fertility is unwise to spread around.
> 
> A man?s age matters


I never claimed to be an expert. He just seems very virile, I'm not really worried about him.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

good evening
usually people masturbate when their partners are not available. In this case though he may have real worries about pregnancy. See if he would prefer sexual things that do not have a pregnancy risk to masturbation. 

Its true that some men can get addicted to porn and ignore their partners, but I'd eliminate the pregnancy risk first.


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

I don't know... I don't want to have a big discussion about with him. I don't want to nag him so if he brings it up we'll talk, otherwise this is just how things are.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

ticktock33 said:


> I woke up this morning and my husband was jerking off at the computer. I'm not disgusted and I know that he does it when I'm not around or when I'm asleep. He doesn't want to wake me up or just doesn't want to have sex with me for some reason.
> 
> I feel deflated, I know it's stupid. This is what men do and I've done it too. It's just upsetting to me and I don't know why. I picked a fight about it and I've apologized now because I overreacted.
> 
> So for the married people, do you ever feel weird about your s.o. masturbating? Do you feel left out?



I have the high sex drive HD and my wife has the low sex drive LD.

I need physicality and sex almost every day and sometimes multiple times a day.

She can have physicality and sex 1 to 2x month.

When I get really in the mood, going crazy and she usually isn't in the mood, I just get my sex toy and relieve myself. I do this because she has a low sex drive and doesn't see it as a big deal even though we've talked about it many times.

Do I relieve myself with my sex toy to avoid my wife? No.

Would I have rather have sex with my sex toy and porn over my wife? No.


My wife insisted on birth control and we have never used condoms. She would consider me wearing condoms and not orgasming in her odd and not right.


And I'm married 16 years as of September.


When I have sex 3x per week, its just enough that I don't crave sex, think about it nearly as much and I'm okay with that. Also, my occasional porn and sex toy use completely stop and I don't even miss or notice this.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

ticktock33 said:


> I don't know... I don't want to have a big discussion about with him. I don't want to nag him so if he brings it up we'll talk, otherwise this is just how things are.


So, if I understood what you said correctly. You interrupted him and your reaction was what you now feel / realize, too harsh? When the opportunity arises, you could tell him that. Doesn't need to be a huge discussion, just a 'you know, my reaction was a little harsh the other day, I felt a little left out (or whatever you felt) but that was too much, unfortunate, whatever'

Better than ignoring I think.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

The only thing that hurts me when my SO masturbates when I'm not around is when she forgets to call me on the phone so I can listen in!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

ticktock33 said:


> I never claimed to be an expert. He just seems very virile, I'm not really worried about him.


I'm not worried about him, either. And no you did not say you were an expert...you just mentioned that his age didn't matter as far as a biological clock like yours does, and that isn't true as far as fertility. Age of the father matters, too. He is not there yet, though.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you looked into things like an IUD?

There are ways to add satisfying sex to your love life with out intercourse. Things like oral sex and 69 work pretty well.


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

anonmd said:


> It is a very selfish attitude. I understand the dislike but if your wife has made a real effort and run through all the options, time to suck it up. To be totally unwilling is, to me at least, unreasonable. Unless, you have talked through the consequences. At 32 you still have say 3 or 4 years of fairly high fertility left and another 10+ of declining fertility.
> 
> Are both of you ok with the likelihood of having a couple unplanned kids in the next ten years? If yes, that's great, carry on. If no, that's a problem...


He isn't being selfish, we have talked about everything. It really isn't the right time for kids but personally I would be OK with an unplanned pregnancy. If it happens it happens, we would both be excited more than upset to have kids that we didn't plan for.

In 10 years I'll be 42 so I would have to be OK, these are the years!


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I'm not entirely sure what your question is, but I can tell you it's fairly normal to feel a slight twinge of disappointment if you catch your SO masturbating. The handful of times I've caught (or heard) my wife, my first inclination is that, but, like you, I quickly get over it and move on. Granted, in my case, I'm having sex as many times in a month as you are in a week, so it's probably more upsetting to me than it would be to you, but all the same. It's a mild form of rejection, at least in your case.

As far as birth control goes, I'm sorry, but I have to give you a huge facepalm for your (both of you) attitude towards it. I get that you "wouldn't mind" if you got pregnant, and you're comfortable that your husband feels the same way, however you're still going to great lengths to avoid it. Bringing a child into the world should be a little more thought of than "I wouldn't mind", IMO, but to each their own.

Frankly, the whole male attitude towards condoms blows my mind. Yeah, of course it's better without, duh. But to abjectly refuse to wear one because it's not as good is immature and not terribly responsible. You've gone through several methods of female BC, and none have worked for you. It's time for him to "man up" and take one for the team.

Unplanned pregnancy is unplanned pregnancy. It changes the dynamics of a relationship like THAT, on a dime. Even if it's something the two of you "don't mind", it's always better with preparation, rather than having to be thrust into like that. Once it happens to somebody, often they're not aware of how much they weren't ready for it in the first place. It's an enormous lifestyle change (never mind financially, socially, etc.) - especially for the woman.

Personally, if you two are not trying to get pregnant currently, then BC should be used. Wait until you're both actually ready to have children to throw away the condoms.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I think this is the key issue. You are happy to have kids now, he is not. You guys really really need to get on the same page. Children will change your lives completely and irreversibly. Not something that can be left to "maybe it will, maybe it wont".

I can easily see that stress over this would completely ruin sex for him. 

Either decide to try to get pregnant, or only do things that have essentially no chance of getting you pregnant. Russian roulette is not erotic. 

I'm not trying to be harsh, but the decision to have children is the most important and longest lasting one you will make in your life. 




ticktock33 said:


> He isn't being selfish, we have talked about everything. It really isn't the right time for kids but personally I would be OK with an unplanned pregnancy. If it happens it happens, we would both be excited more than upset to have kids that we didn't plan for.
> 
> In 10 years I'll be 42 so I would have to be OK, these are the years!


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

This has turned into something completely different. The issue isn't whether we want kids yet, that is just the issue with b/c. 

My problem was that I feel like an outcast, I don't want seperate sex lives. We're married, I thought we could be inclusive but he obviously doesn't want that. So I dropped the subject, it's like his "me time", I didn't know that and I get it. I should stop being so needy and get my own thing. Am I wrong for wanting to do things together? Or should I just let him be, he explained it all to me last night. I understand but it doesn't make me feel less hurt.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Nothing wrong with wanting to do more together, but not everything at all times.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

ticktock33 said:


> This has turned into something completely different. The issue isn't whether we want kids yet, that is just the issue with b/c.
> 
> My problem was that I feel like an outcast, I don't want seperate sex lives. We're married, I thought we could be inclusive but he obviously doesn't want that. So I dropped the subject, it's like his "me time", I didn't know that and I get it. I should stop being so needy and get my own thing. Am I wrong for wanting to do things together? Or should I just let him be, he explained it all to me last night. I understand but it doesn't make me feel less hurt.


The thing you have to remember is that masturbation is very very different than sex, and that the two are not mutually exclusive.

On occasion, one would just simply prefer the ease of getting off solo - man or woman - and it really has little or nothing to do with desire (or lack of) for one's partner.

For me, it's a question of timing, really. TBH, my wife has caught me several times over the years, but - I had indicated my interest in sex beforehand, and was rejected, for example. It's plan B. The odd time I've caught her (or heard her), she hadn't come to me first. My first inclination is hurt, and probably for good reason. However, I am mature enough to understand that sometimes it's just an itch she has to scratch, and it can be done and over with in 2 minutes without any preparation, mess, at her own pace, etc. It's just different, and sometimes one or both partners have no interest in the emotional or intimate side of things and just want to get off.

Honestly, if this bothers you (and that's okay), then start doing the same thing occasionally. Or better yet, if you catch him, take over and let him rest his hand. You don't need to turn it into sex - just jerk him off and go your merry way. If that turns you on, then go take care of yourself on your own! Or just pull up a chair next to him, watch whatever he's watching, and there you go.

My wife and I do this probably once a month (no porn, though). If one or both of us just don't have the energy or interest in a whole big production, we'll just get off side by side. Sometimes we'll help one another, sometimes not. I recommend this, as it's a very different kind of intimacy, one that doesn't rely on each other feeling like we have to please one another. We just take care of ourselves.


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

alexm said:


> The thing you have to remember is that masturbation is very very different than sex, and that the two are not mutually exclusive.
> 
> On occasion, one would just simply prefer the ease of getting off solo - man or woman - and it really has little or nothing to do with desire (or lack of) for one's partner.
> 
> ...


I've talked to him again today and he pretty much said what you have. I admit that I did handle it the wrong way, its not the way that I would have if my mind had been in a different place. I would have done what you suggested and helped out or just watched, I like watching. 

The strange this is that until this happened I was at peace with things like this. I was able to just do it by myself and not feel like he needed to be around. We were in a bad place for a long time and we just got it back. I thought he didn't prefer me and just wanted to be by himself. It's not the case so I understand and we'll go from there.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I think the issues may be tightly tied together. Its possible he is avoiding sex because of a fear of pregnancy when he isn't ready.

I could of course be very wrong. If he also avoids doing things that can't result in pregnancy, say if he turns you down for a BJ, then the issue could be completely different.

Certainly a couple should have a great sex life TOGETHER. Just trying to understand why he might not want that. 




ticktock33 said:


> This has turned into something completely different. The issue isn't whether we want kids yet, that is just the issue with b/c.
> 
> My problem was that I feel like an outcast, I don't want seperate sex lives. We're married, I thought we could be inclusive but he obviously doesn't want that. So I dropped the subject, it's like his "me time", I didn't know that and I get it. I should stop being so needy and get my own thing. Am I wrong for wanting to do things together? Or should I just let him be, he explained it all to me last night. I understand but it doesn't make me feel less hurt.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

ticktock33 said:


> I've talked to him again today and he pretty much said what you have. I admit that I did handle it the wrong way, its not the way that I would have if my mind had been in a different place. I would have done what you suggested and helped out or just watched, I like watching.
> 
> The strange this is that until this happened I was at peace with things like this. *I was able to just do it by myself and not feel like he needed to be around*. We were in a bad place for a long time and we just got it back. I thought he didn't prefer me and just wanted to be by himself. It's not the case so I understand and we'll go from there.


For what it is worth as a guy I have found masturbation can either quench desire or build desire depending on the intent when it is done. I would recommend you have a conversation about this with your husband for the purpose of exploration and learning within your relationship. Explain to him if you feel it has quenched your desire when you do it and ask him the same or if it different for him. 

Appetite for food and appetite for sex work in the same parts of the brain. For example you may not have any desire for chocolate, but if you think about taking one modest bite of your favorite candy bar and perhaps grab a small bite of granola, you will likely want more once you can get your hands on the actual candy bar. Or if you grab a small portion of whatever food is in the house because you are hungry in general, even though you really don't particularly like what you find in the refrigerator, that will likely mess up you appetite for anything more. 

I imagine everyone is slightly different with regards to this topic, but it definitely seems like a good conversation to have with your spouse. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

FWIW, ever heard of "pre-gaming"? 

When I was in my low to mid 30's emptying the chamber before the main event made the main event much more satisfactory for both sides .


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

Understanding and open discussion makes all the difference. We are talking and I feel much better. I'll check back in a few weeks.

Thanks everyone for your help!


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