# Shutting down inner dialogue



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hi ladies!

Lately I've been having some really terrible inner dialogue, and I need for it to stop. As I'm sure some of you know, I don't have the greatest relationship with my family, especially my mother, and all of this dialogue revolves around her, her criticisms and how she can cause me to feel pretty stupid pretty quickly. I've read a book that really hit home: "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents", and I've started reading another that resonates possibly even more: "But They're Your Family".

Besides doing self-reflection and seeing a therapist (mine isn't open to clients at this point, and she's booking up super fast online, so I haven't been able to talk to her), what would you recommend? Does anyone have any thoughts on how to shut down this super frustrating inner dialogue?

Thanks in advance!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I do!!

The first thing I recommend is that when you notice that you're having this inner dialogue, literally envision this:









Now, I'm a little bit of a silly person, so when I envision that in my head, I also hear Dianna Ross and put out my hand. The point, though, is that doing that out loud is a physical reminder to you to actually stop that inner voice!

The second thing I recommend is to start writing down what FOUR VOICES would say:
1) the inner child
2) the judge (the one who judges you)
3) the protector
4) the nurturer
The reason this is important is because you'll likely find that when you start the inner voice, whatever it is, that one of these four voices is loudest and the one you hear most. But it's important to learn what the other three voices would also say! For example, your inner child might be kind of scared of what might happen, the judge is screaming at you that you're wrong and at fault, the protector screams at the judge to shut up and leave you alone, and the nurturer says that it's okay to decide for yourself. If you hear the judge voice a lot...you sort of drown out or don't consider or hear the other three voices, and there is some virtue in each of the other three voices! What I did is whenever I heard the inner voice, I'd jot a note of what I heard the inner voice saying...and then later, I'd journal and at the top of the page was what the inner voice said, and then I'd literally lay out, one-by-one, the four voices as it relates to what the inner voice was saying. It takes quite a while, but the point of the exercise is to start to hear the three voices other than the one that you hear the most and the loudest.

The third thing I'd recommend is that once you've figured out what the nurturing voice would say, look at yourself in the mirror and say that out loud to yourself as you look at yourself. Here's why: in your physical ear has probably actually physically HEARD out loud what the inner voice is saying to you in your head. Someone, somewhere probably said something to you like that out loud--that's why you hear it! So to retrain your head (and your ear) it ALSO has to hear the nurturing side too...physically, out loud. Now your inner child might be sad or hurt that she only heard the harder stuff, but you tell your inner child that you are a grownup now, and your grownup will say the nurturing things to the inner child! It sounds crazy, I know, but really this is learning to BALANCE the part of you that criticizes you and the part of you that cares for and nurtures you.

I was a kid who was physically abused by my parents. I literally did not have a nurturing voice in my head--it didn't exist. I had NO IDEA what that even meant, and it stumped me. So what I did was ask myself "What would a good, faithful, loyal dog say to me?"  I also asked myself "What would God say if I envisioned God as a kind, caring, loving father kind of deity?" (I know some people think of or hear God more as a Judge...so not that guy) Based on those two I could kind of begin to formulate what I thought nurturing might be. 

So hope this helps! It sounds nutty I know, but if you do it, it really does help!


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

The things we tell ourselves are heinous at times. I need help in this area as well. I do tell myself to stop. Sometimes I have to yell it but it helps me identify how often I do it.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@Affaircare, thanks for those tips! I'm going to start paying attention a little more, but can say offhand that it's the Judge that I hear. I usually try to tell myself to "stop it", but of course, that doesn't work. It's been engrained for years, and it's hard to just shut it off. Honestly, I don't think I ever hear the inner child, protector or nurturer. It's usually just me either saying stop, or putting myself down for inwardly arguing with my mother. And thinking on it now, the "stop it" is usually said inside my head, but I will vocalize something like "Geez girl, you're so stupid". Interesting how the more negative of those is the louder one. I do like the Stop in the Name of Love!

@Torninhalf, the things we tell ourselves are terrible at times, yup. Yelling out "stop" would definitely let a person know how often we're doing that to ourselves.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Ursula,

May I make a request? Instead of say "Geez girl, you're so stupid" please say something framed in a positive way, because you are FAR from stupid. You are smart enough to come on hear and ask others for help and discern what's wisdom and what is not, right? See? You are intelligent and wise!

So I also hear/heard the Judger a LOT louder than any other voice in my head. Okay privately what happens inside my head is that I hear the Judger, the Judger, the Judger, the Judger and eventually the inner child gets triggered and then ROAR here come the Protector! LOL You'd have to know me to get it, but I will bet you money that @Emerging Buddhist would just smile and nod his head. 

Anyway, I'm going to make up a scenario. Right now I am writing to you instead of working on my work. In my head I hear "You should be working." Pretty soon, here's just da Judge and the Judge is saying, "What kind of slacker are you? You shouldn't be doing this on work time. God, you're horrible!" progressively getting worse and worse... right?

Okay so as soon as I recognize that "Oops the Judge is going off in my head" I literally stop what I'm doing, close my eyes, envision that stop sign "Stop in the Name of Love", hear the song in my head, and put out my hand and sing it. I don't tell myself I'm stupid for hearing that voice because in real life my ears heard it from someone for DECADES. It's not stupidity--in a way it's kind of like a habit!

After I sing the song in my head, I giggle because I'm funny and have my hand out in the air. Then I jot down the note of what I heard the Judger saying "What kind of slacker are you? You shouldn't be doing this on work time. God, you're horrible!" ... I'm gonna journal about that later. But for now, I am telling that kind of thinking to STOP, and every time you start up again, I'm going to close my eyes, envision the Stop Sign, and sing that dang song so you may as well quit it. 

Then, later that night I journal. The top of the journal page says: "What kind of slacker are you? You shouldn't be doing this on work time. God, you're horrible!"

1) Inner Child (I envision what I'd say if I were about 8yo and hiding in the corner of my closet): "Please don't yell at me! I didn't mean to be bad. I was trying to be good! I thought being nice was good!"

2) Judger (the voice I hear the most): "What kind of slacker are you? You shouldn't be doing this on work time. God, you're horrible!"

3) Protector (I envision I'd say if I were a huge, muscular bodyguard defending me): "SHUT UP! Who are you to tell me what to do? I'm no child! Leave me alone and back off! I mean it--I'm not gonna take this anymore!"

4) Nurturer-dog (I think a good, faithful, loyal dog is about the most nurturing creature I've ever met!): "Wow I can't believe anyone sees you that way. To me, you're wonderful! Plus, it's okay to be nice to someone else. "

Nurturer-God (again, thinking of the kind and loving father deity): "There's not really a commandment that says Thou Shalt Not Type mid-day. And you had an intention of good, so give yourself some slack." [_P.S. just for you, @Torninhalf I don't mean disrespect picking God as an example. At the time I had no clue what nurturing would sound like, so I tried to think of something I related to that I might define as nurturing to sort of "get" what it would sound like. I'd suggesting picking whatever means or sounds nurturing to you--like maybe you had great nurturing parents...huzzah, pick that. Or maybe you relate to a gardener, caring and tending her garden. Whatever works for you._]

Okay, now that I have all the voices kind of written down and figured out, as an adult I can look over the four options and decide which ones are the ones I agree with and value--and which ones are maybe overreaction or being overly harsh on myself. Make sense? And in this instance I think I'm going to choose the Nurturer-God voice only because that's where I naturally align inside my own core values. It is work hours--I am very dedicated to my work--but I have intention for good and it is okay to take time to help others. Yep...that resonates with me. And guess what, that Judge voice is quieter now.

I naturally hear the Judger the most and the easiest. I criticize EVERYTHING I do inside my own head. But before I did this exercise, I never even heard the Nurturer (sadly, I have personally not had a lot of nurturing in my life--had to learn that). Nowadays, I can have an event trigger one of the voices, and within short reason (which to me is "a few minutes") I can also stop myself, think through the other voices, and pick the one I want to say to myself, and self adjust. I probably had to do all this journaling and then talking to myself in the mirror for about a year. At first it was slow and I had to think and it was tedious--but as the year went on it got easier, until now, I can do it almost naturally.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

I remember hearing about a book. I think the title is "What to say when you talk to yourself" or something close to that.

Also, try writing down something positive about yourself every day, and then write at least 3 things you are grateful for. 

We tend to be our own biggest critics, sadly.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

theloveofmylife said:


> I remember hearing about a book. I think the title is "What to say when you talk to yourself" or something close to that.
> 
> Also, try writing down something positive about yourself every day, and then write at least 3 things you are grateful for.
> 
> We tend to be our own biggest critics, sadly.


Yes, we really do tend to be overly hard on ourselves. I'll look up that book:





What to Say When You Talk to Yourself: Helmstetter, Shad: Books - Amazon.ca


What to Say When You Talk to Yourself: Helmstetter, Shad: Books - Amazon.ca



www.amazon.ca





He also has another about negative self talk and how to change it:





Negative Self-Talk and How to Change It: Helmstetter Ph.D., Shad, Helmstetter Ph.D., Shad: 9780997086195: Books - Amazon.ca


Negative Self-Talk and How to Change It: Helmstetter Ph.D., Shad, Helmstetter Ph.D., Shad: 9780997086195: Books - Amazon.ca



www.amazon.ca


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Affaircare said:


> @Ursula,May I make a request? Instead of say "Geez girl, you're so stupid" please say something framed in a positive way, because you are FAR from stupid. You are smart enough to come on hear and ask others for help and discern what's wisdom and what is not, right? See? You are intelligent and wise!
> 
> So I also hear/heard the Judger a LOT louder than any other voice in my head. Okay privately what happens inside my head is that I hear the Judger, the Judger, the Judger, the Judger and eventually the inner child gets triggered and then ROAR here come the Protector! LOL You'd have to know me to get it, but I will bet you money that @Emerging Buddhist would just smile and nod his head.
> 
> ...


Thanks for that specific example, @Affaircare! The reason I call myself stupid is because I heard that for years from my mother, and as we all know, if you're told something so many times, you come to believe it. I now know that I'm not a world class idiot, but it took almost 40 years to figure that out. However, that's what my negative self-talk still revolves around.

I'll have to start journaling my thoughts, and figuring things out from there. Thanks again for all your thoughts and for taking some time away from your work duties to share them with me!


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