# Why can't she a future with me



## ziggy1984 (Mar 31, 2015)

Hi everyone. This is going to sound like a story you have heard many times but I need to talk to people not directly involved. My wife and I have been together for 4 years and married for nearly 2. When we got together she was 16 and I was 26. Please don't judge. She is a very mature young woman and had to grow up quickly after her father walked away from her. When we started courting she told me she was bisexual. I told her I didn't care and if she saw a relationship I would be happy. We have both been involved in violent relationships in the past. Both being on the receiving end. We have both been cheated on. Everything was perfect we both felt the same for each other and had the same morales. We got engaged after 4 months and married a year later. We were both happy and in love with each other so much. After a year of marriage she told me that she has been having feelings for women again. This got her so upset. I said don't worry we can work through this and we did. Unfortunately since that point she had stopped telling me exactly what was on her mind. Like some women do. I didn't care I loved her and didn't want to loose her. Any way to cut a long story short. I am not the most helpful man about the house I didn't do housework. She told me two weeks ago that she is not happy I asked her with what. She told me she couldn't she a future with me. I asked why and for how long she has felt this way. She responded by saying For about 4 months. I asked her why. She said that I'm not helping her with the day to day running of the house. I said I can change please don't do this. She said a flat No. I spent the night at my parents and went back the next day to collect my stuff that she had already packed. I broke down and cried at her begging for a final chance. She said no again. I couldn't take all my stuff with me so had to go back. I was still upset. She told me that she still loves me and always will but can't she me changing. So I mentioned about giving her back my house key. She said no keep it don't rush. I mentioned about the rent on the house and should I take my name off it. She said no. I spoke to her mum about me and her daughter and she said that she is confused and doesn't know what she wants deep down. Anyway I digress. My wife then invited me round for dinner the following Wednesday. I had worked at changing and started cooking and cleaning at my parents, without being asked. So I did all the washing up. Unfortunately one thing led to another and we ended sleeping together. Both lost in the moment. I invited her over to my parents for dinner on Sunday she said sounds great. I mentioned that I was even cooking it. Saturday she text me saying you need to stop fighting for me I don't want a relationship. I used this opportunity to arrange for us to talk on the Sunday. I agree that I was fighting for me and it could be seen as being pushy. So I went for a different approach. I agreed to what she said and that I won't fight for her anymore and be friends ( I want more but we need to be friends so she can she the changes that I'm making to myself. Right or wrong?) I drove her home after dinner and had a cup of tea with me she tried to initiate sex with me and I told her this is wrong she went off into one cried and said but I thought you loved me. I love you. Man I am confused.
Not only am I lying to her by saying we can be friends I'm really hurting. I want my wife back so much. 
Do I continue the cold shoulder technique by not texting and ringing her and waiting for her to contact me? 
Is she just confused and doesn't really know what she wants, because the wedding photos are still on display in the living room?
I would do anything to have her back.
Thanks for reading and letting me get it off my chest.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

ziggy1984 said:


> Hi everyone. This is going to sound like a story you have heard many times but I need to talk to people not directly involved. My wife and I have been together for 4 years and married for nearly 2. When we got together she was 16 and I was 26. Please don't judge. She is a very mature young woman and had to grow up quickly after her father walked away from her. When we started courting she told me she was bisexual. I told her I didn't care and if she saw a relationship I would be happy. We have both been involved in violent relationships in the past. Both being on the receiving end. We have both been cheated on. Everything was perfect we both felt the same for each other and had the same morales. We got engaged after 4 months and married a year later. We were both happy and in love with each other so much. After a year of marriage she told me that she has been having feelings for women again. This got her so upset. I said don't worry we can work through this and we did. Unfortunately since that point she had stopped telling me exactly what was on her mind. Like some women do. I didn't care I loved her and didn't want to loose her. Any way to cut a long story short. I am not the most helpful man about the house I didn't do housework. She told me two weeks ago that she is not happy I asked her with what. She told me she couldn't she a future with me. I asked why and for how long she has felt this way. She responded by saying For about 4 months. I asked her why. She said that I'm not helping her with the day to day running of the house. I said I can change please don't do this. She said a flat No. I spent the night at my parents and went back the next day to collect my stuff that she had already packed. I broke down and cried at her begging for a final chance. She said no again. I couldn't take all my stuff with me so had to go back. I was still upset. She told me that she still loves me and always will but can't she me changing. So I mentioned about giving her back my house key. She said no keep it don't rush. I mentioned about the rent on the house and should I take my name off it. She said no. I spoke to her mum about me and her daughter and she said that she is confused and doesn't know what she wants deep down. Anyway I digress. My wife then invited me round for dinner the following Wednesday. I had worked at changing and started cooking and cleaning at my parents, without being asked. So I did all the washing up. Unfortunately one thing led to another and we ended sleeping together. Both lost in the moment. I invited her over to my parents for dinner on Sunday she said sounds great. I mentioned that I was even cooking it. Saturday she text me saying you need to stop fighting for me I don't want a relationship. I used this opportunity to arrange for us to talk on the Sunday. I agree that I was fighting for me and it could be seen as being pushy. So I went for a different approach. I agreed to what she said and that I won't fight for her anymore and be friends ( I want more but we need to be friends so she can she the changes that I'm making to myself. Right or wrong?) I drove her home after dinner and had a cup of tea with me she tried to initiate sex with me and I told her this is wrong she went off into one cried and said but I thought you loved me. I love you. Man I am confused.
> Not only am I lying to her by saying we can be friends I'm really hurting. I want my wife back so much.
> Do I continue the cold shoulder technique by not texting and ringing her and waiting for her to contact me?
> *Is she just confused and doesn't really know what she wants, because the wedding photos are still on display in the living room?*
> ...


No, she is confused and doesn't really know what she wants because she's only 20. And she was a child when you met her. She's not the same person she was when you met her, and she's not the same person she'll be in 20 years because these are very formative years.

But, to answer your question, yes, I'd continue the cold shoulder technique until she figures out what she wants out of her adult life.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> No, she is confused and doesn't really know what she wants because she's only 20. And she was a child when you met her. She's not the same person she was when you met her, and she's not the same person she'll be in 20 years because these are very formative years.
> 
> But, to answer your question, yes, I'd continue the cold shoulder technique until she figures out what she wants out of her adult life.


Continue to work on yourself and be calm, cool and collected.


No begging...
No Whining...
No Pleading...

Just give her the time and space she needs to come to a decision. 
Sometimes it works...sometimes it doesnt.
She was VERY young when you started. 
You may need to let her go to finish growing up.


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

Why did you leave your house?

She should have left not you.


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## ziggy1984 (Mar 31, 2015)

I had to leave. We lived in her mums house. It is a housing association house.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You're getting immaturity and indecisiveness from her because she's a kid. That's why the preferred route is to have adult relationships with adults. How can anyone be a proper mate when they don't even know who they are yet? Does she even know what a healthy adult relationship looks like? It sounds like her parents didn't have one. She hadn't had one before she met you and it sounds like you hadn't had one before her.


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

You did not have to leave, you are MARRIED!

No one can make you leave. Except a judge.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sandie said:


> You did not have to leave, you are MARRIED!
> 
> No one can make you leave. Except a judge.


Well, actually, the house is her mother's. So the mother canmake him leave. IT seems he and his wife do not own their own home - they were living with her mom.

WIth that said - a relationship takes two people who want to be in it. If she is done, then you will have to accept that. If she comes around, then you can work at.

I will echo the others who said you met her as a teenager. Who one is at 16 (and by your calculations, you married her when s he was 17) isn't who one is at 20, 24, 28, and so on. The brain doesn't even fully form/develop til age 25. You married a teenager. It's not surprising to met hat she feels stifled/isn't sure of what she wants. She's spent the last four years with you (age 16-20 now) and may be feeling different. While there is no way to get into her head, there is her statements to you - to stop fighting for her; that she doesn't want a relationship with you; doesn't see a future with you; is confused about her attraction/or wants to be with women, etc. These are all real things which is why she's told you them. Could it be she seems you as immature since you're 26 and living at her mom's? 

My best advice is to take what she says at face value. She will either want to work with you on the marriage or she won't. If it's the latter, all you can do is concede.


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

If a person is living somewhere for a whle they have rights!

Her mom would have to go to court and evict her not just say "get out". Even if she called cops they would say the same thing. Youcan't just kick someone out on the street.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Younger women commonly don't know what they want. I think she's using your not helping around the house as a excuse for divorcing you and being able to see women again. She'll probably explore that for awhile and regret that she lost you. That's her loss, you gave her love and she threw it away, if she doesn't find it again, that's her problem. 

Perhaps you should continue to "go dark" for away and maybe she'll change her mind...again.


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

And then what?

They need to fix what's broken!


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## ziggy1984 (Mar 31, 2015)

Just to let everyone know. Her mother moved out to live with her boyfriend and let us live alone in the house. I know everyone has commented her age. Maybe that is the problem as well as me not helping round the house. I am seeing her at the weekend she has asked me to stay over Saturday night as we both have easter Sunday off work and she wants to do something. I'm sleeping on the sofa by the way. If she tries to initiate sex with me I will tell her no. If you want this to happen you take all of me back not just the parts you want.
My changes with housework at my parents haven't gone unnoticed by the way.


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

ziggy1984 said:


> Just to let everyone know. Her mother moved out to live with her boyfriend and let us live alone in the house. I know everyone has commented her age. Maybe that is the problem as well as me not helping round the house. I am seeing her at the weekend she has asked me to stay over Saturday night as we both have easter Sunday off work and she wants to do something. I'm sleeping on the sofa by the way. If she tries to initiate sex with me I will tell her no.


At first I thought you were talking about her MOTHER!


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## ziggy1984 (Mar 31, 2015)

Sorry for the confusion


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I almost stopped reading at 16 and 26. Justify that any way you want but in some states you would've been in jail for that. 

You sound like you need to grow up too. 30 year old man shouldn't be living in his wife's mother's house.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ziggy1984 (Mar 31, 2015)

I live in the UK. I have done nothing illegal. We just hit it off right away. This is only my second serious relationship. The first was the violent one.
It was her mother's idea for me to move in after she moved out to live with her boyfriend. Not an ideal situation I know.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sandie said:


> If a person is living somewhere for a whle they have rights!
> 
> Her mom would have to go to court and evict her not just say "get out". Even if she called cops they would say the same thing. Youcan't just kick someone out on the street.



No better way to assert yourself then refusing to leave your wife's mother's house. 

If he wants to lower himself further in her eyes he should do just that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ziggy1984 said:


> I live in the UK. I have done nothing illegal. We just hit it off right away. This is only my second serious relationship. The first was the violent one.
> It was her mother's idea for me to move in after she moved out to live with her boyfriend. Not an ideal situation I know.


Whatever. But your original question was why can't she see a future with me. There's your answer: because SHE WAS 16 when you hooked up. I'm 40 and while it certainly wouldn't be illegal for me to hook up with an 18 year old guy it would be stupid and I would lose the right to complain when he turned out to be immature and not ready to have a future with me.

You need some counseling so you can grow up. Probably half the reason you got with someone that age is because you're immature and have a mentality similar to hers, and you're very needy. Get yourself some help so you can have a healthy relationship with an actual adult.


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