# Can you really start again when husband has had an affair



## marypoppins (Aug 26, 2014)

Husband cheated, he confessed and now he wants to start again.


I really don't know what to do, I still love him, I am still hurting, I go from feeling ok to wanting to scream and shout, I know this is only natural but can you ever really trust someone who has broken your heart.

I haven't told any of my family as I am too ashamed, his family know and I don't think I could ever face them again, even though I haven't done anything wrong. 

Have others gone through this and carried on, have you been happy, stronger, could you trust them again. 

Any advice given greatly appreciated.


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

marypoppins said:


> Husband cheated, he confessed and now he wants to start again.
> 
> I really don't know what to do, I still love him, I am still hurting, I go from feeling ok to wanting to scream and shout, I know this is only natural but can you ever really trust someone who has broken your heart.
> 
> ...


I am sorry to hear about your husband.

Eventually, you have to forgive him. That won't be easy.

But give yourself time to work through the grief and don't let him guilt you into rushing through it.

Establish rules to satisfy you that this will never happen again, nothing is unreasonable. Have him do all the STD tests before you let him back into your bedroom and don't rush to be intimate again.

Read books on infidelity, lots of good advice out there.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

MP, first I have to ask, what was the nature of how he was able to cheat?

In other words, was he going out with "the guys" and it happened while partying?

Was it business trips? Or did he say he had to be somewhere and was gone for extended periods of time?

Reason I ask is, however it is he was able to easily cheat, then those activities are now over for him if he wants to keep his marriage. So if he was going out for drinks.....over
If he had business trips, unless mandated by his boss......over

He needs to show you through actions not words that he will walk the straight and narrow.

But honestly, if it were me, I'd ask him to leave and get an attorney.


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## marypoppins (Aug 26, 2014)

He cheated with an ex-fiancé, she looked him up, they talked on the phone first then met up, I don't know whether this is worse as they had been together, even though it was many many years ago, she was also married but wasn't happy, hence looking him up. She wants my husband, her husband has ended it with her. Truth is it could all start up again, he swears it's all over, blocked her on his phone and all other social media, he say it's me he wants and is angry with himself that he allowed her to get into his head. She would say your not happy, you don't seem yourself, why stay, you seem happier with me. I just don't now what to do.


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

marypoppins said:


> He cheated with an ex-fiancé, she looked him up, they talked on the phone first then met up, I don't know whether this is worse as they had been together, even though it was many many years ago, she was also married but wasn't happy, hence looking him up. She wants my husband, her husband has ended it with her. Truth is it could all start up again, he swears it's all over, blocked her on his phone and all other social media, he say it's me he wants and is angry with himself that he allowed her to get into his head. She would say your not happy, you don't seem yourself, why stay, you seem happier with me. I just don't now what to do.


You should not take his word on any of this. You should do whatever it takes to be 100% certain that it won't happen again. From your description, this other woman is going to be pursuing him and he's obviously not to be trusted. Nothing is out of bounds for you given these circumstances.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

marypoppins said:


> He cheated with an ex-fiancé, she looked him up, they talked on the phone first then met up, I don't know whether this is worse as they had been together, even though it was many many years ago, she was also married but wasn't happy, hence looking him up. She wants my husband, her husband has ended it with her. Truth is it could all start up again, he swears it's all over, blocked her on his phone and all other social media, he say it's me he wants and is angry with himself that he allowed her to get into his head. She would say your not happy, you don't seem yourself, why stay, you seem happier with me. I just don't now what to do.


Then if he truly wants to keep you, then he needs to give you access to all his social media. Email, FB, Twitter, whatever. And he should do it with a smile on his face.

Any resistance or feeling that his privacy is being invaded, sorry, he screwed that up the minute he cheated.

So if he resists you on things you need to make sure he is not cheating again, then you should be prepared to get an attorney.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

Install the VAR, the phone apps etc. Read the threads about this. The OW, wow! They are such predators. You can't let him know you are collecting data at all...You will then be able to determine if he is genuine, if you are in a false reconciliation and if he can be trusted again. Please read the thread in my signature below.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Personally, I do not think i could ever trust again if my husband cheated. It would play on my mind and drive me completely insane.

I think its terrible he cheated, I think its even worse that he cheated with his ex fiance, this tells me that there is something still there between him... and i would not trust that he would not continue to see her or do it again...

Its hard to regain trust after its been broken.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Yes, you can start again... with someone other than your husband.

Don't ever forget you have this option. 

I'm all for saving marriage but you must decide if there is a marriage to save. It cannot work unless he is truly repentant and somehow obtains the ability to feel genuine empathy for your feelings. Good luck.


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

marypoppins said:


> He cheated with an ex-fiancé, she looked him up, they talked on the phone first then met up, I don't know whether this is worse as they had been together, even though it was many many years ago, she was also married but wasn't happy, hence looking him up. She wants my husband, her husband has ended it with her. Truth is it could all start up again, he swears it's all over, blocked her on his phone and all other social media, he say it's me he wants and is angry with himself that he allowed her to get into his head. She would say your not happy, you don't seem yourself, why stay, you seem happier with me. I just don't now what to do.


This doesn't sound promising. If they were engaged before then he probably fell right in. He's got a long road to go in my opinion.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

You still love him- that's natural.

You will never be able to trust him again- that's stands to reason as once trust is destroyed it is really gone forever.

As to exposing him to families and friends, I think to do so is part of the healing process whether you stay married or not. When you say you still love him, I think that you are protecting him and hiding a bit from his betrayal- and that isn't healthy. Put this dark and shameful deed out in the light and I think hat if his shame turns to true remorse you have a fighting chance of R. Now it's just a dirty secret and when you bring it up, he will get defensive ad guilt you out by claiming you're holding it over him. 

So get it out and then move forward.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

let me tell you, coming from someone who left his wife when i found out she'd cheated: yes it is possible to start over.

If he is fully truly remorseful -- not just sorry he got caught -- and will do what we call "the heavy liftng", it is possible. If it is what you AND he really want, it can be done.

But it is a LOT of work, for both of you, with a lot of ups and downs. Be prepared for it. Maybe the hardest thing you've ever done. Your relationship is now changed forever; it will never be the same as it was. If it was unbelievably good, it will never be that again. If it had lots of rocky periods, this is a chance to address all that was wrong, correct it, under a renewed partnership.

Read and learn. People here on TAM can show you what they've done to make it happen. Some very gutsy former waywards here that haven't been driven away can tell you what it takes, and even what red flags to watch for.

But... the reality is, the odds ARE long. Start with what your gut tells you, and go from there. If your inner voice tells you that you were the perfect model wife to him yet he'd do it again, or you're never going to get over it, or never going to forgive him, then take that direction as a start. If your gut says it was a flighty one-time thing at a time when your marriage was in chaos anyway, or you'd really pushed him away or not been tending to him and your marriage, maybe there's a different direction.

You do not have to decide nor do anything immediately. Take the time to think... but don't stay in limbo too long. And good luck.

Update edit: MP, I read your backstory. Clearly it's not a flighty, one-time thing. He's got a history, a thing for his ex-, was still in contact with her after DDay and likely working with her to manipulate you, for starters. If there is going to be R here (yes it's possible), this is going to be a very long road for you both... it starts with transparency from him and TOTAL NO CONTACT. He needs to start with that, and you need to witness him telling her. He breaks either of those two things, it's over. And he needs to know it. You need to be very, very wary here.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Update edit: MP, I read your backstory. Clearly it's not a flighty, one-time thing. He's got a history, a thing for his ex-, was still in contact with her after DDay and likely working with her to manipulate you, for starters. If there is going to be R here (yes it's possible), this is going to be a very long road for you both... it starts with transparency from him and TOTAL NO CONTACT. He needs to start with that, and you need to witness him telling her. He breaks either of those two things, it's over. And he needs to know it. You need to be very, very wary here.



To Marypoppins

He needs a very strong jolt that includes tough consequences. What I did was divorce my WS and tell her that she can prove her words by her actions. Words can be cheap without actions to back them up. If her actions prove to back up her words then we can try to put our marriage back together. She proved her words with her actions for 4 years and I remarried her.

Bottom line is that your husband has to correct this by his tough actions for a long time.


I do not know your situation so maybe divorce is too much for you due to finances or your emotional state. However, you need to find some very jolting consequences to jar him enough that he will show his character. If he fails to do the right actions then he is not worth you spending the rest of your life trying to get character in him. The ball is in his court; he has to take strong actions to correct such a marriage killer as betrayal.



You maybe not strong enough or financially fit to take actions now but you can make a plan and take actions when you are stronger and in better financial shape. You have a very tough road ahead of you but he has forced the situation and you both will have to get real tough for a long time to get past this.



*The goal for you is to get strong enough that you can live with him or without him. Then you are in the driver’s seat! You should be in survival mode and your top priorities be you and your children. Your husband cannot be trusted right now to secure your emotions*


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Nope, not in your case. Move on. I say this because:
1) not a fling in the real sense of the word
2)The OW is still pursuing
3) You will never trust him again.

do you have kids?
If not, I would say cut your losses and move on. There are so many worthwhile, honest people out there. Staying with a cheater just doesn't make sense.

But then, I am not a fan of reconciliation in 95% of the cases.


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## marypoppins (Aug 26, 2014)

Thanks for the replies


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Does he leave his phone lying around unlocked? Do you have all his email.passwords, etc.

What have you done to see if he's taken the affair underground?

Does he go out with the "boys"?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

don't be too quick to forgive and move , acting like it didn't happen.

To recover your marriage, if that is what you want, will take time, the services of a good marriage counselor, and total transparency on your H's part.

And even then? it will be difficult.

As others have stated, you are under no obligation to remain with him. You and he should consider it a gift if you attempt reconciliation.

And if it doesn't work for you?

Divorce him.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

I worked for 2yrs to rebuild my marriage.

She did it again 

I got even and left her to her misery and her OM.

I got over being betrayed by m first wife, yes I found new love and a new love of life until she Fd up, thought we'd successfully Rd and when things seemed normal and better than ever, found she was back on fast track EA with yet another EX, instant over this time.

I'm in the UK now starting my new life without her and all that bull crap.

Life is what you make it, if you want out then be decisive and get out, you can do it on your own, even with kids, it might be tough, but better than living with feeling the need to lookover your shoulder and keep tabs on him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some cheaters never cheat again and some do. 

I'll tell you my story. My now ex-husband cheated 30 years ago with one of his employees. I decided to R. Unknown to me, they remained in contact. How much contact and what actually occurred during those 30 years, I will never know because he has only ever admitted to what I could prove. 

A couple of years ago, I found current emails with "I love you" messages -- with the same affair partner. I had warned him 30 years ago there would not be a third chance. He was totally opposed to the divorce (we were married 45.5 years by the time I divorced him). He remarried the moment the final decree was signed but not to his affair partner. His new wife is someone he met online after I said I was done and he married her a few months later. His affair partner waited 30 years to take over my then-lifestyle and failed. 

Be careful.


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## marypoppins (Aug 26, 2014)

He has given me all his passwords, and since been back in the house leaves his phone unlocked. He doesn't really go out with the boys, the whole affair took place whilst he was out of work, looking at his phone bills over that period of time he phoned her lots, and he told me most contact was on the phone, although they did meet up sometimes for a drink and sometimes for, well you can guess. He has text and phone her in front of me telling her he doesn't want to speak, see or hear from her, he has also blocked her on his phone and all social media.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

No, you cannot start again. This is an escapist fantasy. "Oh, I f--ked up, but hey, let's just start over!" Not.

It is a way of avoiding responsibility. Your husband has to come to terms with what he did. He has to try and put himself in your shoes and feel and understand what you went through. That's hard to do, it usually takes time and commitment. 

It's never going to be the same for you. You can forgive but you cannot forget. He must come to understand that. If he doesn't, I'd wish him luck and tell him goodbye. It will save you a lot of further heartbreak.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

The duration of the affair, IMO, is the key to answering your question. EA/PA/ONS= Bulls**t. Why? EA= Emotional attachment which means you get rejected and she gets what you are supposed to get, PA/ONS = He will do it again, Sex Addiction. Hence the need for research. Sorry to be so blunt. In reference to the "cake-eating" aspect, if the A is longer than 6 months, you may question yourself as to whether or not you want to live in the "happy-family-to-the public-illusion" (movie) or make your own path. Sex is a powerful, significant bonding between two people, whether it is casual or not, it's a bond regardless. The true question is if all those boundaries are crossed with a third party, can there be a true, successful re-bonding between the legit original pair? It is good sex when it happens more than once with the same AP. ONSs have a high failure rate for repeat performances with the same AP but not with another new one.


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## MrsFrench (Sep 9, 2014)

marypoppins said:


> He cheated with an ex-fiancé, she looked him up, they talked on the phone first then met up, I don't know whether this is worse as they had been together, even though it was many many years ago, she was also married but wasn't happy, hence looking him up. She wants my husband, her husband has ended it with her. Truth is it could all start up again, he swears it's all over, blocked her on his phone and all other social media, he say it's me he wants and is angry with himself that he allowed her to get into his head. She would say your not happy, you don't seem yourself, why stay, you seem happier with me. I just don't now what to do.


Oh boy, this is the worst kind of infidelity in my opinion. Physical again with someone he once loved...my heart breaks for you. 

I am once again in the minority, as I truly believe that yes - some couples can reconcile successfully. The first step toward that, is transparency. He needs to be honest about everything, and I have a feeling there was more to this than he originally told you. The other half of transparency, is changing his phone number, opening phone records, closing social media altogether and when you are ready for him to open them again, you get access, passwords to his email and anything else password protected, GPS in his vehicle, etc. He needs to prove himself, and you deserve the peace of mind on a daily basis. The second step, is marriage counseling. 

I wish you the best of luck, and if you believe in your marriage and want this relationship, don't throw in the towel before you are satisfied that you did everything you could to save it.


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## DaisyNewYork (Sep 3, 2014)

Giving passwords and cell leaving around all sound positive an bloking of the OW seem like you might have a chance. If it what you want then trying ain't no harm. Be sure you love eachother though anyyhin else can be worked on with time.


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## Laurel (Oct 14, 2013)

marypoppins said:


> Husband cheated, he confessed and now he wants to start again.
> 
> I really don't know what to do, I still love him, I am still hurting, I go from feeling ok to wanting to scream and shout, I know this is only natural but can you ever really trust someone who has broken your heart.
> 
> ...


Yes, you can. But it is a very long, hard road. And the only way it can work is if he is completely remorseful, transparent and willing to completely change his way of living his life. 

I never thought I would EVER forgive a cheater in a million years. And I was so judgmental towards anyone who did. But then it happened to me and things weren't so black and white. When I found irrefutable proof that my H was in fact cheating, I was 99% sure I was divorcing him. I packed up and left, leaving him a note telling him exactly what I thought of him and his actions. But his reaction surprised me. I figured he would try to deny or rationalize what he did. But he didn't. He admitted what he had done (including things I had no idea about), took full responsibility and begged for another chance. And to my surprise, I gave him one. 

The first few months were absolute hell. I didn't even recognize myself, I was such a mess. I would go from being okay to a raging maniac in 60 seconds flat. My emotions were all over the place. I thought I would never feel like a normal person again. But eventually I did. And he withstood it all. 

The fact is, our marriage was far from perfect (not that it excuses what he did). The discovery of his infidelity and near destruction of our marriage was what caused us to finally face all our issues once and for all. Our old marriage is dead and gone. In its place is a new marriage, with a new way of doing things and new boundaries. I can honestly say that almost 1.5 years later, we are happier and more fulfilled than we have ever been. I would have never thought such a thing was possible. 

There are very few people who know what we have been through. In the beginning, I didn't tell any of my family because I was so depressed about the situation I just didn't feel like talking to anyone. After I had decided to try and reconcile, I didn't tell many people because I didn't want them to look at my H differently and judge my choices. 

Trust, surprisingly, has come back. It will never be the 100% blind trust that I had before, but I no longer check his phone records or email several times a day like I used to. On the odd occasion I do feel the need to check, I never find anything amiss.

Truthfully, you will not find a lot of support for R on these boards. Many of the people that support R (including married couples who went through infidelity and tried to help others) get run off, because anyone who was a WS typically gets very beat up no matter how remorseful they are. And BS's get labeled as stupid weaklings for giving a WS another chance. And often, people who R simply stop coming here altogether, because they are moving on with their life and have no need to rehash this painful experience anymore. Myself, I rarely come here anymore. I look over the forums every once in awhile to see if there is anyone I could possibly help, but honestly coming here on a regular basis can be a huge trigger. 

Anyway, the only one that can decide if you can start again is YOU. Some people can forgive infidelity, some can't. Both choices are valid. And not all WS are deserving of another chance. But I am living proof that yes, you can start again, and regain happiness, when your husband has had an affair.


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## marypoppins (Aug 26, 2014)

Thank you so much Laurel for taking the time to post, its nice to hear you can move on. I am at the stage now were one minute we are fine talking things through, I feel he is being honest and he has said he regrets what he did and how he let her get into his head, she was the one who contacted him first. I then go from calm to screaming at him, I just hope in time it passes. Thanks again


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## Laurel (Oct 14, 2013)

marypoppins said:


> Thank you so much Laurel for taking the time to post, its nice to hear you can move on. I am at the stage now were one minute we are fine talking things through, I feel he is being honest and he has said he regrets what he did and how he let her get into his head, she was the one who contacted him first. I then go from calm to screaming at him, I just hope in time it passes. Thanks again [/QUOTE
> 
> Believe me, I know the intense, crushing pain you are in right now. The rollercoaster is completely normal. It turned me into someone I didn't even know. When I got triggered it was like something foreign had taken over my body and I couldn't control myself. Looking back I can't believe my H withstood all my rage so patiently. It made me truly believe in his remorse and desire to fix the marriage.
> 
> ...


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

marypoppins said:


> Have others gone through this and carried on, have you been happy, stronger, could you trust them again.


I've been in R 3 years with my wife. Hers was a particularly brutal betrayal; so perhaps you'll feel my perspective is valid, if not typical.

To your questions:

Have I been happy? In some ways happier and others not. But overall I'd say marginally happier - at least more so than in the several years ahead of Dday. That's due to how she has responded since then; but it's also related to the train wreck our marriage was before.

Stronger? Yes. At least in terms of what I will accept from her.

Do I trust her? No. I'll never trust her completely again. That said, I don't have day to day anxiety about her cheating again. In fact I don't worry about it at all. She's passed every test so far. Any remaining anxiety I do have, stems from my decision to R in the first place. However, that has improved over time.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

wranglerman said:


> I worked for 2yrs to rebuild my marriage.
> 
> She did it again
> 
> ...


In the UK? By the way, the weather we have now? It's our version of a heatwave!:smthumbup:

Mary Poppins, you can forgive your husband, you can go forward. It takes a long time and it's not easy.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Op. 

We had a really pretty good marriage before h cheated. Lots of trust, soulmate, no real issues in the marriage, ((no $ problems, drinking, drugs, gambling, etc...)) it's been 3.5 years for me, our marriage isn't any better at all, it's gotten really bad for the most part. We may, or not make it back, we're still at it, but I can tell you this, we are closer to each other in a really strange way though. 

Maybe you have to fall away before you can come back together after such betrayal , I dunno... 

~sammy


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## Jax67 (Jan 17, 2013)

Hi, I couldn’t help but want to say how I feel for you whole heartedly, I know that heart wrenching crippling pain, I too was like this two years ago and I was in a death grip, believe me. My H had an affair, difference was he wanted to be with the OW. I did everything wrong, I begged and pleaded with him to stay, he threw me under a bus for the OW. How I ever come through it I will never know, but I did, a stronger and more confident woman more than I have ever been in my whole life. I don’t have a full-time boyfriend at the moment, but I’m dating and life is good. I have to tell you that I thank god that my H did not want me anymore, I am glad now, that I wasn’t given that option because if I had, I know my life would be hell now. I would wonder where he is every time he was late, when his cell rang, everything!! I could never ever trust him again and funnily enough he was a great husband for 11 years, the best until he met his GF. The thought of being with him honestly makes me shudder, I would have been a miserable person. 

I’m living proof that you can find a better life after climbing out the pit of misery. If I had my time again, as the guys on TAM told me, “kick his a** out and divorce him!” I didn’t, because I thought I could change his mind, WRONG!!.......They were 110% right, I should have done that for sure, I would recommend that to anyone who gets cheated on man or woman. Good luck and look after you, that’s what counts.


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