# Marriage crumbling- I want kids, he doesn't.



## rteachj (Jun 20, 2009)

My husband and I have been married for 7 years, together for 11. Before we got married, we agreed we wanted kids. We are now almost 30, and he has changed his mind. I have had to make a decision about what I want more, him or children. I thought I had decided I'd rather be with him. Then, a few months ago, he told me he was changing his mind. He works a dead-end job and works an extra shift every Saturday to pick up the slack. My job doesn't allow me athe time for a second job, despite us needing the money so badly. He decided he was going to learn a new trade, get certified, and get a new job that will pay him enough to stop working two jobs. Then we can buy a bigger house and have kids, finally. The trouble is, he is not making any moves to get certified. Despite what he says, he acts like he doesn't want this at all. He isn't studying much, spends all his free time on his computer playing games, and here I sit, watching all of my friends and family getting pregnant. He has lied to me before about wanting kids just to get me to shut up about it, and I'll admit I've been a nag about it, but I'm worried that he's changed his mind again. We can't afford marriage counseling, and our health insurance sucks. Tonight, after years of being told that the more I talk about children, the less he wants them, and years of broken promises (if we buy this boat, then we can have kids), I told him I was tired of not being number one on his list, and tired of him playing God over our relationship for the last 7 years. He handed me his wedding ring. 
He's sitting in our home office right now with me in the bedroom. I thought about going to stay with my mom for a few nights, but I wanted to see how things went tonight. I wrote him this long note
about what I remember about why we got married in the first place and that if he just needed me to stop talking about kids and give him a little more time, then I was willing to wait, and I'm not 
ready to quit on us yet, but if he really wanted to get out of this marriage, I loved him enough to let him go. My family thinks I'm a pushover and let him control me too much. I don't know what to think anymore. What do you think?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## geo (Oct 29, 2010)

Wow sounds like he may be either selfish or scared,
My situation is very different, but it was not until my wife left that I was truly able to see the big picture. Not saying it is the right thing to due but you may be able to see a little clearer yourself.
That being said,I was terrified about being a father, but nature made the choice for me. I wouldn't change a thing as far as my kids go, I have been happy to be a father since they were born..


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

rteachj said:


> My husband and I have been married for 7 years, together for 11. Before we got married, we agreed we wanted kids. We are now almost 30, and he has changed his mind. I have had to make a decision about what I want more, him or children. I thought I had decided I'd rather be with him. Then, a few months ago, he told me he was changing his mind. He works a dead-end job and works an extra shift every Saturday to pick up the slack. My job doesn't allow me athe time for a second job, despite us needing the money so badly. He decided he was going to learn a new trade, get certified, and get a new job that will pay him enough to stop working two jobs. Then we can buy a bigger house and have kids, finally. The trouble is, he is not making any moves to get certified. Despite what he says, he acts like he doesn't want this at all. He isn't studying much, spends all his free time on his computer playing games, and here I sit, watching all of my friends and family getting pregnant. He has lied to me before about wanting kids just to get me to shut up about it, and I'll admit I've been a nag about it, but I'm worried that he's changed his mind again. We can't afford marriage counseling, and our health insurance sucks. Tonight, after years of being told that the more I talk about children, the less he wants them, and years of broken promises (if we buy this boat, then we can have kids), I told him I was tired of not being number one on his list, and tired of him playing God over our relationship for the last 7 years. He handed me his wedding ring.
> He's sitting in our home office right now with me in the bedroom. I thought about going to stay with my mom for a few nights, but I wanted to see how things went tonight. I wrote him this long note
> about what I remember about why we got married in the first place and that if he just needed me to stop talking about kids and give him a little more time, then I was willing to wait, and I'm not
> ready to quit on us yet, but if he really wanted to get out of this marriage, I loved him enough to let him go. My family thinks I'm a pushover and let him control me too much. I don't know what to think anymore. What do you think?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not a good idea to push your husband to have a kid, when the family isn't financially steady. 

Lots of money & responsibilities for having a kid.

Maybe you want to wait when he finds a stable job.

It was my mistake to have a kid when my ex wasn't ready for any kid, and my ex marriage only lasted less than 2 years, so I wish you don't repeat my mistake.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

MsLonley said:


> It was my mistake to have a kid when my ex wasn't ready for any kid, and my ex marriage only lasted less than 2 years, so I wish you don't repeat my mistake.


:iagree: Ditto. I disrespected my husband, stopped BC Pills to have baby after losing first. He never wanted. Yes, loves her dearly now, definately a daddies girl, but 7 yrs later it has all resurfaced and I'm learning I've been bottling resentment for long time which has also surfaced other things. I believed he as my best friend, partner was all needed out of life. I was 28, he 38. At time, think I felt alone, had no one else and wanted the Cinderella story. 20 yrs later, 12 married, not so Cinderella. It's extremely difficult.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I agree with the others that you cannot and should not force, trick, or coerce him into having kids. 

At the same time, though, it is not right for him to keep you dangling while he makes up his mind or to outright lie to you because he doesn't want to admit he doesn't want kids. 

I think, at this point, the best thing to tell him is that you know you want kids. You need to know if he wants them, ever. If the answer is yes, you will leave the topic alone if he will just give you a timeframe and show you some steps in that direction (studying to get certified, etc.). If the answer is no, you need to know so you can make decisions. If he tells you he doesn't know, then tell him he has X long to make a decision one way or the other, and at the end of that time, if his answer is no, or he still doesn't know, you will take that as a no and make your decision. 

If he says no, then you do need to make a firm decision as to whether or not you want to be with him with no kids, or with someone else with kids.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> I agree with the others that you cannot and should not force, trick, or coerce him into having kids.
> 
> At the same time, though, it is not right for him to keep you dangling while he makes up his mind or to outright lie to you because he doesn't want to admit he doesn't want kids.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Wish I had this simple advise 12 years ago. Listen to her. It's great advise.


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## manny1 (Nov 9, 2010)

Has he ever said why he doesn't want kids. If he really hates his job maybe he is afraid he will be stuck for the rest of his life in a job he hates and kids to support. Would you consider helping direct his career change but like the other advice he would still have to give you a time frame. But then know in your heart that you will have to leave if he changes his mind again. I also have 2 kids and could not imagine life not being a mom. It can leave a empty spot in you for the rest of your life if you really want to be a mother and it doesn't happen. I say that from talking to women who wanted children but never had them it never left them even when they were way past the age to have kids. I guess something to thing about.


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