# Marriage counselling



## Zombiemarriage (Feb 17, 2018)

Is anyone else in the same situation as me?

Marriage problems etc etc

You suggest marriage counselling several times.

She says no.

No love.

No affection.

No physical contact.

No sex.

Seperate bedrooms.

Other than talking about household things and kids....hasnt talked to me for 2+years. Marriage problems for much longer though....

The kids havent realised. Why? Because how we are is normal for the kids. The kids have a happy stable life.
My wife and I do not shout argue or row.

I dont want to break up the family because of the stability of the kids lives. 

There are financial reasons too.

As you can appreciate, its complicated.

Im not looking for help.

Just if there's anyone the same as me.

Trapped by circumstances.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Read Coopertop story. And seach around tam, they are tons of people like you. Sorry marriage sucks for you. 

Good luck


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Zombiemarriage said:


> I dont want to break up the family because of the stability of the kids lives.


Yet another one martyring themselves all for the 'sake of the kids.'

I just read another post here on TAM from a 16 year old kid living in the HELL of his parent's dysfunctional marriage and it's driven him to ask a bunch of strangers how HE can help them save the train-wreck of a marriage that they themselves refuse to address.

And that's not NEARLY the first post I've seen from teenage kids living in the hell of their parent's lousy marriages and having to deal with the fall-out of it because the parents don't have the good sense to know when to call it a day.

While you think you're being noble, you're not.

You're just being foolish.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Zombiemarriage said:


> No love.
> 
> No affection.
> 
> ...


If the kids don't complain, it doesn't mean they have "a happy stable life". You and your wife are modeling for them a dysfunctional marriage, and this will affect their adult life and they will have a hard time having a successful marriage when they grow up. 
You and your wife avoid confrontation, but it is a loveless marriage. Your kids see this situation, and they are learning that when you have a problem, you just avoid discussing it. This is not a way to deal with the problems that you encounter in life. You are messing up with their lives. 
A kid can live a happy and stable life with separated parents. If for financial reasons you and your wife cannot separate, better be honest with the kids and say what's going on, and tell them that this is not what a successful marriage looks like. I don't know how old your kids are, but if they are starting to be in their teens, they need to know this.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Sometimes our choices are not between "good" and "bad"......they're between "bad" and "worse".

BTDT. I made the decision you made. Looking backward at it, having 28 years to observe my sons' adult lives...it was "bad" but it was not "worse"......

Although I do "get it", and agree with what the previous posters have said.....only you know which you should choose.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear ZombieMarriage;

Similar situation, except empty nesters.

What helped me was to commit to one last try at saving my sex starved marriage. The short version is that i read just about everything I could get my hands on in terms of relationship books. Followed the advice of a few of them. Figured out that I was part of the problem and that it wasn't all just my W. I changed myself to be less dependent, more integrated, more fit and then I changed the way I treated my wife so that she felt loved and cherished. Still no sex at that point, but she did agree to marriage counseling with a sex therapist. When she realized that she needed to change herself or the marriage was over, she got with the program and with the help of the sex therapist my W and I started having sex again and rebuilding our marriage.

My suggested starting reading list for you includes:

MW Davis, the Sex Starved Marriage
Glover, No More Mr. Nice Guy
Chapman, the 5 Languages of Love

Good Luck


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Yet another one martyring themselves all for the 'sake of the kids.'
> 
> I just read another post here on TAM from a 16 year old kid living in the HELL of his parent's dysfunctional marriage and it's driven him to ask a bunch of strangers how HE can help them save the train-wreck of a marriage that they themselves refuse to address.
> 
> ...


 @She'sStillGotIt is totally correct. 

You think you are doing the right thing, but you are not, I promise. 

I thought I was doing the right thing with my drug addicted wife and it literally nearly killed me. 

You really don't understand how much different and wonderful life can be until you get out of a situation like this. 

Think about what life could be like if you had a wife that actually loved you. They are out there...


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## Zombiemarriage (Feb 17, 2018)

Thanks for the replies.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Life's just a lot tougher if you can't make a decision when you need too.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Since the title of your thread is "Marriage Counseling," let's start there and discuss what it is and what it is not. 

MC can help two people who want to be together and who both want to have a happy and healthy marriage communicate their wants and needs more effectively with the other. 

That's it. that is what MC does. It helps people express their wants and needs and can help them express what is pi$$ing them off. 

The counselor can then suggest constructive ways to address those issues and can offers suggestions one what each can do help address the other's wants and needs and can offer suggestions on how to avoid doing the things that is turning them off and making them resentful and angry.

However here is the catch -

MC does not make someone love or desire their spouse. MC does not make a cold, thoughtless person into a warm loving one. 

It does not make someone horny or want to have sex or affection or intimacy with someone they do not love and are not attracted to. 

It does not make a self-centered person into a generous and giving one. 

It does not make someone that is perfectly OK with the Status Quo do any heavy lifting to help make the other person more happy and fulfilled. 

And most importantly, *BOTH* people have to be willing to put forth the effort to follow the reccomendations of the counselor/therapist. 

MC is not a cure and it is not a magic pixie dust. It is not a means to force someone to do something they do not want to do.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

@Zombiemarriage I have read your other posts going back to February. 

A couple things - 

First off you are a Poster Child for "for-the-children" martyrdom. You are martyring yourself and placing the blame and responsibility of your despair onto the kids and that is not fair to them. You are doing them no favors by blaming them and holding them accountable for your misery and dysfunction. 

You are using them for your inaction and your martyrdom. If you think they are going to praise you and kiss your feet and erect a monument to your sacrifice, you are gravely mistaken. 

In 10, 20 years, they are not going to be accepting their Nobel Peace Prize and thanking you for all your sacrifice and tolerance in order to assure that they were raised under the same roof with your wife. 

In 10 years they are going to be on a shrink's couch talking about being raised in a cold, loveless, dysfunctional house with two people that were resentful and bitter towards each other and held THEM accountable for their parents lack of action and decision. 

You are not protecting them. You are blaming them and making them responsible for remaining in a toxic environment.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Also, you really need to challenge your belief system on why everyone being under the same roof is better for the children and what are the real pros and cons of tolerating misery vs moving on with your own life. 

Assuming neither you nor your wife are child abusers, drunks/druggies or criminally negligent, how is remaining in this situation better for the kids than having two loving, supportive, involved parents in their lives that happen to live in two houses???? 

You are already in two separate rooms and do not interact now. Other than sharing the rent and bills, how is this any different than a divorce??

You are already basically doing hand-off parenting now. Other than the convenience of not having to get in a car, how is this any different than hand-off parenting down the street? 

And assuming you are both fit parents, with joint-shared custody, you can have the kids a few days a week so you can focus your time and energies on them for a few days............and then they will be at her house a few days a week which would leave you time to pursue hobbies, work out, go out with friends, and even date and perhaps find someone that actually likes you and wants to be with you and wants to ride you like a big, white horse. 


Review for me again why divorce is such a terrible idea and why you so steadfastly refuse to consider that a perfectly viable option :-O


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@SheStillGotit said: "While you think you're being noble, you're not."

Mostly, this is a cowardly act disguise by KISA excuses, because a lot of men in this type of situation do not have the fortitude and the balls to pull the plug; instead they just wallow in self-pity for the rest of their life.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Kids do just fine with separate households. We have over 60 years now of "kids" that grew up and function in society just fine. No, it's not the "best". But they will be fine. 

What will be the BEST for you is to finally find happiness and love with a partner who respects and cherishes you. And you CAN do this. And your children when they get older will appreciate that more anyway. Find love and give love. And if you are not getting it in you current situation, sometimes it is best to call it and pull the cord.


Never sacrifice something that has a zero cost in life. The only cost is to YOU and YOU alone. Find your happiness elsewhere.


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