# Need some advice



## NorthofFreedom (Nov 15, 2017)

Hello everyone. I've read a few posts here and have gained much knowledge from other people's situations so I'd like to thank everyone for sharing beforehand. My home situation is pretty good compared to most people but I'd like to get perspectives from others so I don't think about wanting to get a divorce.

My wife and I have been married about a year and a half now but have been together for over 6 years total. She is an amazing person and we get along very well. With this said, I have a strong feeling we made a mistake getting married. I don't think she is the one for me or I'm the one for her. 

I've felt trapped in our relationship for some time but haven't wanted to acknowledge it since I'm with a great person. I used to have a bunch of friends, used to go out and do things, and used to have fun. Now I don't have many friends, stay at home, live somewhere I hate, and feel unfulfilled. 

I guess the main problem we have is our sex life. She wants sex frequently, which is a good thing, but I don't want to have sex with her. I don't find it enjoyable with her at all. I have a very high sex drive though. We've tried spicing it up but it does not help me. I only go through the motions to please her. I've been thinking more and more of being with other women because I still am young but can't stand the thought of having a miserable sex life.

I've brought these things up with my wife and she thinks we can fix them but I'm not sure. We've been to counseling and it helped for a bit I suppose. I've told her I don't want to hold her hostage in our relationship and she should have someone who wants her all the time but she only wants me. I think now the only reason we got married is because neither of us wanted to be alone and we are best friends, but life is too short to feel this way. We don't have kids and I don't want to bring kids into this right now.

I should mention that I also have very faulty thinking here which I want to get off my chest. I deal with depression daily which probably contributes to this. I work out daily and take meds which help. However, I feel I want to leave this great relationship anyway but I don't think I could leave it and hurt my wife. Sometimes I think the only way out of this is suicide because it's easiest for my wife and myself. For the record I won't do that but I think it nonetheless.

Also, I want to mention I'm the terrible person and I did sleep with someone else when I was very drunk and out of town. I told my wife as soon as I got back and we have been working on us more. She forgave me and I want to be the man she deserves.... I can't do that again because I can't hurt her like I did...

My questions to this forum are what can we do to save our marriage? Should we save it? Have others been through other experiences similar?

I am nervous about this because I feel people will lay on me for being a terrible person but I wanted to be completely honest with this. I ask for productive feedback. Thank you.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

What other people here may think of you is not the issue, so try not to dwell too much on that.

My question would be, what is it about your wife, specifically, that you find unattractive?


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Just to clarify is it correct that your wife still wants to remain married to you, despite you cheating on her and telling her you don't desire her sexually?

If your wife is fine with you having sex with other women, would you be interested in remaining married to her?


----------



## NorthofFreedom (Nov 15, 2017)

My wife is active and not ugly by any means. However, I think what I find unattractive is that we are the same height and weight, and I am a tall man. I try not to be superficial but obviously I am.

To the second question, I'd say the first part is accurate but not the second part. She is not okay with me cheating on her but forgave me. I think if there roles were reversed I think I would have forgiven her for the first offense, but maybe I'm only saying that because I'm the one who did it....


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Forgiveness can be seen as a gift, a choice, and /or a necessity depending upon circumstances IMO. 

Which do you think it was for your wife?


----------



## NorthofFreedom (Nov 15, 2017)

Satya said:


> Forgiveness can be seen as a gift, a choice, and /or a necessity depending upon circumstances IMO.
> 
> Which do you think it was for your wife?


That's a great question. I'm not sure. She is such a sweet person that I want to say it was a gift. That's why I can't do something like that ever again. Well one reason among many but one that I do love her for.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

NorthofFreedom said:


> My wife is active and not ugly by any means. However, I think what I find unattractive is that we are the same height and weight, and I am a tall man. I try not to be superficial but obviously I am.


You've missed my question, this isn't about your wife being ugly or attractive. So I will put the question to you in another way.

Has your wife said *she wants to remain married to you*, despite you telling her you don't find her attractive and don't want to have sex with her?



NorthofFreedom said:


> To the second question, I'd say the first part is accurate but not the second part. She is not okay with me cheating on her but forgave me. I think if there roles were reversed I think I would have forgiven her for the first offense, but maybe I'm only saying that because I'm the one who did it....


You've also missed the point of my second question, so I will also put that to you in another way.

If you can have sex with others, *would you still want to remain married to her*?


----------



## NorthofFreedom (Nov 15, 2017)

Sorry I missed the point and thanks for rephrasing. 

My first answer was in response to another post but to the first question she does still want to be married to me knowing this and thinks we can work on it, which we are trying. I'm not certain and nothing is really working so far.

I think the part I'm struggling with the second question and all this is because I want passion and excitement in my sex life and think the only way is to have sex with others, as much as I wish it wasn't true. However, I don't want to lose my best friend because of that. So, I don't think I could have sex with others and still be married to her. I know how much it would hurt her and she would never go for an open relationship.


----------



## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

If you are unable to stay faithful to your wife, will you let her go (i.e., divorce her)?

If that happens, will you marry again?

Can you honor your vows even though you feel this way, and subvert your desires for other women?


----------



## NorthofFreedom (Nov 15, 2017)

Rick Blaine said:


> If you are unable to stay faithful to your wife, will you let her go (i.e., divorce her)?
> 
> If that happens, will you marry again?
> 
> Can you honor your vows even though you feel this way, and subvert your desires for other women?


If I am unable to stay faithful again I should divorce her as I would not deserve her. I don't deserve her now but I think I owe it to her to try to be better. But how long should we try before we talk about divorce seriously? I would not get married again. I honestly never wanted to get married because I always saw it as hurtful thing with my parents and it's loved ones going through bad marriages. Lastly, I am hoping to honor my vows and make it work despite feeling this way. It is difficult for me honestly which makes it difficult for her. I owe her trying to honor our marriage.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

NorthofFreedom said:


> Sorry I missed the point and thanks for rephrasing.
> 
> My first answer was in response to another post but to the first question she does still want to be married to me knowing this and thinks we can work on it, which we are trying. I'm not certain and nothing is really working so far.
> 
> I think the part I'm struggling with the second question and all this is because I want passion and excitement in my sex life and think the only way is to have sex with others, as much as I wish it wasn't true. However, I don't want to lose my best friend because of that. So, I don't think I could have sex with others and still be married to her. I know how much it would hurt her and she would never go for an open relationship.


The road to hell is paved with good intentions, just because you don't want to hurt her doesn't mean you won't do exactly that.

If you realise there's nothing there, in terms of your feelings for her. Prolonging this certainly won't make it any easier, and is likely to see her more hurt after further investment in and with you.

Your wife is an autonomous individual, if she knows what you are like and accepts that. She should be welcome to make that choice and be trusted to wear her big girl pants and act accordingly. That said whether you want to carry on with her is your decision. Of which neither she nor anyone else can make for you.

If you don't want to hurt her now, hurting her later will not be an easier proposition.

Now of course it is possible, by choice you may never cheat on her again. That said since you have already gone there, chances are you will easily do the same again and again through time.

The thing is if you do it again, are you going to tell her in order to unburden yourself, or to hurt her? If it is the former, surely the latter will also apply as well.

As to owing her fidelity, can you owe her something you are not inclined or able to provide?

As to trying, do or do not. If you desire to be honest with her, being honest with yourself would be a tremendous place to start.

If you realise you are not likely to give her sexual fidelity. You will have to decide whether to tell her, your wife or keep it from her.

By telling her you will afford her the opportunity to make her own informed decisions to accept that or not.

By not telling her you would do well to never share it with her and endeavour to never slip up while being kind to her. While also never trying to assuage your own conscience, by burdening her with you own lack of integrity. Since that path is fraught with much more hurt and misery if you do slip up or feel compelled to share your weight.

The thing is choosing not to tell her, doesn't make you a good guy. Whereas telling her now. At least gives her the chance to make informed decisions, and choose for herself what she wants with respect to being with you.

So know thyself, and embrace who you are, then act accordingly.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

How tall exactly are we talking about here? It might be that she fits you and you fit her best and you simply think that you would be better off with a more petite person ?


----------



## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


----------



## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

It's very hard to know what exactly is going on here. I get from some of your posts that you have lost respect fro her because she keeps forgiving you for cheating on her. You can't love someone you don't respect. 

But maybe it's your issue with seeking excitement in sex and maybe it has to do with your mind telling you that comfort and stability is not sexy, only danger and risk is sexy? That's for you to figure out I guess. If that's the case then it's your problem and not hers or the relationship's... it's something you either have to succumb to and decide that is the way you are and if so, then marriage or monogamy is not your thing, or you would rather the opposite and then you have to have some therapy to figure out why you run from stability and why that completely squashes your sex drive. There are no right answers in life, only what's right for you. 

The more honest you can be with yourself and with her the better things will work out. It won't be easy but at least you'll be authentic. There is nothing wrong with wanting something other than what you have. But often we seek change only because we want change, and then realize that we're right back where we started, and not any happier.


----------

