# Husband upset because I'm on this forum



## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

So I joined this forum as just an anonymous place to talk about marital topics. I don't have many friends so sometimes it is therapy to get other people's perspectives on various topics and also be a help to other people and their challenges.

I never told my husband I was a part of this forum because of his mindset. He always perverts this kind of stuff and makes it into something it isn't (i.e. affair). So I left my email open and he snooped in my email and saw I was a part of this forum. He refers to it as CHAT and I told him it is a forum where people from all over talk about marital issues. I'm not "chatting" with anyone and it's not about getting with someone. It has been a help to our marital challenges. I told him I didn't tell him because he would pervert it (in so many words).

Well he thinks I lied to him. He thinks about it so much more than what I have used it for (which is therapy) and now we are not talking to each other.....4 days from our 5 day Cruise!!! 

So what are your thoughts? This was something for me and my own personal therapy and now he has made it into a huge scandal and I am so upset! It seems like everything I need for myself he has to put some perverted spin on it like I'm doing something wrong. 

Thoughts???? Is anybody else on this forum and their spouse doesn't know. I'd like to hear your story of why. Thanks.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

If you have done nothing inappropriate and your conscience is clear with regard to your faithfullness and behavior, then he just needs to deal with it. If you have never been unfaithful in your marriage, then he is ridiculous. I could see if you had previously had an affair why this would bother him. But if you have always been a faithful partner, then it is not your job to twist yourself into a pretzel to appease his paranoia. There are some people who will say it is and will basically ask you to imprison yourself to make him feel better. That is BS. Don't cater to his every suspicion when you know you have done nothing wrong.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

If he's not familiar with how a forum works, he might be scared that personal details are being leaked out onto the internet that could get traced back to him/the family. Or maybe he just likes to think that the marriage is perfect, but you being on here is an ego bruising reminder to him that it is not.

Either way, he'll eventually have to get over it...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Think of it this way: He isn't calling you every five minutes. Win-win! 

Hey, Mr. MZMEE, get a hobby! Living just to make your wife miserable isn't much of a life.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

MZMEE said:


> He thinks about it so much more than what I have used it for (which is therapy) and now we are not talking to each other.....4 days from our 5 day Cruise!!!


Passive aggressive behavior sucks.

If I were in your place, I'd just carry on with a good attitude and live my life. 

If he speaks to you in a civil tone, fine, but otherwise, I'd just ignore him. Please don't try to coax him into talking or try to win him over. 

You have a cruise in 4 days? Awesome! Have a blast! Do your own thing.

You know how he is, I don't. So, if you know ahead of time that he'll sabotage this vacation, then just plan to have an amazing time without him. You may have to share a room, but enjoy the rest on your terms. 

If he's still not speaking to you, get your own ride to the ship. Check in on your own. Go on excursions or watch shows or whatever YOU want to do. Eat meals with others or on your own. Sunbathe. Gamble. Drink. You do you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read this book and come back and tell us what you think: Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men - by Lundy Bancroft.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If he isn't talking to you by the time you go on your cruise, just go right on that cruise and start making new female friends. I'm sure you can find women on the boat to hang out with, get drinks with, do the trivia games with. This will be an excellent learning experience for him, to see you living your life and not hanging on him for support. As my therapist said, move forward, and he'll have to choose to keep up with you or be left behind.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Sounds like he has done this sort of thing before. I'm thinking it is about control. He wants to undermine a special time of intimacy and connection. 

With some folks no matter what you do, it is not right. This is about him, not you!

I am sorry this is happening (yet again) to you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

turnera said:


> If he isn't talking to you by the time you go on your cruise, just go right on that cruise and start making new female friends. I'm sure you can find women on the boat to hang out with, get drinks with, do the trivia games with. This will be an excellent learning experience for him, to see you living your life and not hanging on him for support. As my therapist said, move forward, and he'll have to choose to keep up with you *or be left behind.*


Left behind, isn't that always the fear.

Others moving on, moving forward, left or right, not backwards.
Why they, why not you?

You see motion all about you.

You left behind.
You left blind.



SunCMars- taken from his archives.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I read your thread from late August about this man-child's behavior. It was two or three pages long with lots of replies and questions from other posters, but after one initial reply, you never came back to the thread again so it eventually fizzled out. 

This is the paranoid fool who needs to Facetime with you, talk to you, chat with you and Skype with you *every single minute* of the day while you're at work. He's too childish and selfish to look past his own stupid behavior and appreciate that *you* never did this to him when _*he*_ was working outside the house, yet he feels your job isn't nearly as important as his was because he has no problem at ALL compromising your position at work all the time with his incessant childish calls and texts. How you manage to put up with this needy, whiny ass-wipe on a daily basis is honestly beyond me.



> So I left my email open and he snooped in my email...


Gosh and golly, I'd *never* expect him to snoop in your stuff. What a shocker! 

Don't be surprised when you eventually find out he's got spy apps on your phone and has been tracking your whereabouts via the GPS locator on your phone.

He needs more than a hobby. He needs electro-shock therapy. Ugh.

If you keep kow-towing to this childish bully like you've been doing for far too long, you'll keep gettin' what you've been gettin.' It ain't rocket science.

Tell Mr. Paranoid to use the 10 hours a day he's normally haunting YOU at work to go learn what message boards are actually about and how they work. God knows he can afford to sacrifice 10 or 12 of his usual phone calls to you at work by spending them on the computer learning about message boards.

Seriously. I don't know how you manage to put up with this fool on a daily basis.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

My wife now, and my ex gf HATE/HATED me being on this forum. I don't fully understand why. From what they've said, I look to get into other people's problems and make them my own, and I waste time.

For me, I feel I get my mind off my own problems, hopefully help others, and I feel I've learned more than I ever did about how people's mind works and why they do certain things. I feel more comfortable recognizing patterns in behavior that occur repeatedly with different people, so that if these things involve me in real life, I can better know what to expect and how to deal with it. It's helpful to me.
I don't feel it's a total waste of time. But it does waste some. But it gives my mind a break. When I'm on my break at work, like now, I get on for 5 or 10 minutes and just get my mind off things.

Since I'm 2 for 2 on people not liking that I'm on it, I think it must be a common problem for some. I think it's something that one's SO doesn't fully understand and therefore it scares them. They think there's something nefarious about it.
I think it's something I probably won't do forever, but for now it's something I do. I have no bad intentions with it....


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

It’s funny when I read your post, I was reminded of my wife’s reaction when I told her about my lurking and reading some of the many, varied posts. She was slightly po’d to say the least. 

After explaining that perhaps I could help others and also learn a bit more of how I should treat her, she realized that I wasn’t doing it to chat or find ways to cover my cheating. lol 

In doing some of the things opposite of her thoughts, I tell her more I love her, treat her with more respect and not just verbally but by actions.

She now asks what I’ve read and actively offers suggestions. She’s not tech savvy and doesn’t come here, but we have both been counselors and I love her input. 

If you need, keep coming here. Like evinrude, I like to help as well. You said he made your coming here into a huge scandal. Just keep doing what you need to do for you. Sounds like he’s very needy. I hope things work out for you and have a blast on your cruise.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If he doesn't understand the forum, he should visit and read it. If he's still not convinced, there isn't much you can do. If he continues to be a ******* about this and other things, such that you really do need this venue to vent and get advice, then perhaps he's not worth keeping.

If he perverts everything, then he's perverting his relationship with you. Who wants to stay with a pervert?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Evinrude58 said:


> My wife now, and my ex gf HATE/HATED me being on this forum. I don't fully understand why. From what they've said, I look to get into other people's problems and make them my own, and I waste time.
> 
> For me, I feel I get my mind off my own problems, hopefully help others, and I feel I've learned more than I ever did about how people's mind works and why they do certain things. I feel more comfortable recognizing patterns in behavior that occur repeatedly with different people, so that if these things involve me in real life, I can better know what to expect and how to deal with it. It's helpful to me.
> I don't feel it's a total waste of time. But it does waste some. But it gives my mind a break. When I'm on my break at work, like now, I get on for 5 or 10 minutes and just get my mind off things.
> ...


Evinrude, what's common is that your picker is off and you chose two insecure partners. People with low self esteem, just like OP's husband. They fear that if you realize your own worth you will leave them - and so they seek to control you to keep you from 'learning' and thus leaving them. Instead of doing the work to improve their own self esteem.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Your husband is an asshat. 

You should have him read this thread and your last thread. 

He is the classical controlling nut job. I have no idea why you stay with him. 

Maybe you should cheat and let him catch you so he will go away...

You really need to end this marriage...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

turnera said:


> Evinrude, what's common is that your picker is off and you chose two insecure partners. People with low self esteem, just like OP's husband. They fear that if you realize your own worth you will leave them - and so they seek to control you to keep you from 'learning' and thus leaving them. Instead of doing the work to improve their own self esteem.


The ex gf was pretty hugely controlling. 
The wife is not. Just hates that I sometimes don’t give her enough attention because I’m on the forum...
And I work extreme hours after my regular job and she doesn’t understand this is my little method of relaxation. I’m on lunch right now, so I’m addicted a little...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

When I begin a new relationship sometime in the future 🙂 (I'm currently single), I won't be informing them of this forum. It would feel icky to me to have someone potentially come and read all of my posts from years!!!! before I knew them. I'm not doing anything wrong/violating/connecting with others here, but it would still feel icky to me. Kind of like TMI.

If I was in a bad marriage I'd keep it private. It would be my place to ask advice.

If I had not been a member before, and if I joined and was in a good relationship, I would share this forum with my partner.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

OP my guess is because most here would tell you to DTMFA.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Well to be quite blunt, Use of this forum for me, is a way to fill my emotional need for intimate conversation, that is not being filled in my marriage. So yeah, it's chating for me. OTOH She doesn't care and finds it much easier for me to get that need filled here.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

turnera said:


> Evinrude, what's common is that your picker is off and you chose two insecure partners. People with low self esteem, just like OP's husband. They fear that if you realize your own worth you will leave them - and so they seek to control you to keep you from 'learning' and thus leaving them. Instead of doing the work to improve their own self esteem.


i would think that most spouses would resent their SO's spending too much time on here, TAM, or any other blog or computer application.

Any activity done without the other soon becomes resented.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Enjoy your cruise. Email and TAM will both be waiting for you when you get home.

I'd be upset too if my husband and I went on a cruise and he spent too much time checking email and reading/talking on a forum.

I'm not saying that is what you are doing...your husband probably gives you a hard time no matter what you do.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

I would be Leery of getting on a boat with a maniacal controlling boy....But hey, that's just me.


As for being on the forum? I didn't give my wife the heads up. I am on other forums that deal with men issues as well. Ofcourse she rolls her eyes, but she doesn't dare say anything about it. 2 years ago, I wasn't even checking her phone...But with the 2017 issue, now it's a given. She hasn't earned that side of trust from me....
The forum kept me sane. I'm not alone and being ganged up upon by her family, as well as mine! I understand the issue of infidelity better, and I trust myseft better as well. I owe it to alot of people here...They just don't teach that stuff in school. lol


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MZMEE said:


> So I joined this forum as just an anonymous place to talk about marital topics. I don't have many friends so sometimes it is therapy to get other people's perspectives on various topics and also be a help to other people and their challenges.
> 
> I never told my husband I was a part of this forum because of his mindset. He always perverts this kind of stuff and makes it into something it isn't (i.e. affair). So I left my email open and he snooped in my email and saw I was a part of this forum. He refers to it as CHAT and I told him it is a forum where people from all over talk about marital issues. I'm not "chatting" with anyone and it's not about getting with someone. It has been a help to our marital challenges. I told him I didn't tell him because he would pervert it (in so many words).
> 
> ...


What is your history does he have cause for not trusting you?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Your husband sounds like an idiot...i challenge him to join the forum and find out for himself. Don't condone something you chose not to understand....this is a forum about helping marriage not hurting them...if you would take time to read the threads you would understand that.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

MZMEE said:


> So what are your thoughts? This was something for me and my own personal therapy and now he has made it into a huge scandal and I am so upset! It seems like everything I need for myself he has to put some perverted spin on it like I'm doing something wrong.


Question for you?

If your husband kindly asked you to stop participating on this forum, would you be completely OK with that? Or would get upset and preemptively accuse him of falsely making it out to be a scandal?

I once had an online correspondent as a "friend" for which my wife was completely aware. Nothing to hide. But when she asked me to stop I got all upset and accused her of all sorts of trying to manipulate and control me. Turns out I had developed a rather unhealthy obsession corresponding with this new friend of mine. When this friend was wanting to video chat repeatedly, my wife got upset and put a stop to it. 

Looking back on that my wife was indeed right. 
@MZMEE if you have trouble making friends in real life that you can talk to, not including your husbands friends, that is something you should seriously consider working on as a means to improve your overall wellbeing. Join a group that enjoys a hobby, something that you sincerely enjoy. Have fun being around others and sharing that. 

Best wishes, 
Badsanta


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I'm less there is some member of the opposite sex with whom you correspond privately on this forum, it just doesn't make any sense to imply that you posting publicly in a group for all to see amount to something secretive or deceptive. I understand that there's a school of thought out there the if our hut spend or wife expresses the least discomfort we should completely alter our reality. I don't believe that is healthy. In this case, I think it is your husband who needs to change, not you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SunCMars said:


> i would think that most spouses would resent their SO's spending too much time on here, TAM, or any other blog or computer application.
> 
> Any activity done without the other soon becomes resented.


Was OP's spouse complaining that she spends too much time here or that she's ON here? I thought it was the latter.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I told my husband once, a long time ago, that I was going on antidepressants. He wanted me to stop taking them. Not because he thought they wouldn't help me, but because it made HIM feel bad that I needed them. Stupidly, back then (back in super controlling days), I agreed. A healthy husband should welcome you getting help, unless you're replacing healthy time with him with this.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

@MZMEE - It sounds like fear is dictating your choice of putting up with your husband's paranoia. I also feel that you are so fearful that you don't respond to threads you start.

Your husband sounds like a miserable person. And I don't think it's necessarily love that keeps you bound; more likely it's fear.

Something to consider.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

haven't told my spouse I post here. I'm sure my spouse could read all of my posts and have no clue it was me posting, I don't put a lot of identifying stuff here. We trust each other and don't ask permission for much of anything.

I am shocked at the level of control many TAM posters exert/tolerate in their marriages. I swear I'd rather be a POW than in a marriage like that.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Based on your past threads, it wouldn't matter what you were doing. 

As to spouses in general caring about TAM, some do and some don't.


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## SarcasticRed (Feb 21, 2018)

I haven't told my husband I post here but he has access to my computer (should he want it). It is a way for me to learn and if needed ask for advice and I like having a space to do that. I have learned a lot here and I think what I have learned has helped our marriage.


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

I imagine some spouses aren't too thrilled about their partner being on here because they dislike their personal life aired to strangers. Or, more to the point, they dislike when their partner posts something negative about them, no matter how true it is. My husband knows I am a member on multiple forums, and doesn't care, because he has never seen a post about him in a negative light. If I posted some of our deep dark secrets, I have no doubt that he would feel differently.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Most of the people who come here are the ones who are trying to maintain their relationship or make it better and help others to do so. Your husband is an ignoramus!


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

lucy999 said:


> OP my guess is because most here would tell you to DTMFA.



I'm trying to figure out what this stands for! :scratchhead::wink2:

But I think I get the general idea.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> I'm trying to figure out what this stands for! :scratchhead::wink2:
> 
> But I think I get the general idea.


My thought is: divorce the mother-****ing ass hole.

eta: but, I have a tendency toward a potty mouth.


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## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

What a difference a day makes! So here is the UPDATE.

He realized he was being a butthead about the whole thing so he apologized and is leaving it alone and we are back speaking and on good terms. No I have never ever been unfaithful to this man nor did anything inappropriate. He just has way too much going on in his head about what COULD happen and what other people have done on things like this. He sees this kind of stuff like the ****** Stewart Site scandal where people meeting to hook up. I had to explain to him that he needs to start trusting ME and stop trusting more in statistics and past experiences and whatever else is on the outside of this marriage. YES people do use stuff like this to hook up. Yes stuff like this can ruin a marriage. But that's now how I am using this forum. I take all advice and comments on this site as "schools of thought to consider". Nothing is set in stone because we all are just individual people sharing our individual perspectives and experiences.

He also said he just fears that the anonymous status is not safe (he has technology phobias) and he doesn't want his business put out there. I told him I'd rather communicate on a forum than choose one of our friends to talk about this stuff to.

He felt really, really bad and said he is working hard to work through the ghosts in his head.

I made it very clear that I am not going to keep going through this because it's not fair to me to keep going through hell over stuff that only exists in his head because of his own insecurities and paranoia. He will wake up one day and I'll be gone. So thanks everyone for your input. AT least I know I am not the crazy one


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Gotta be careful about jumping on someone's spouse we don't know. People get "upset" all the time. People react to someone getting "upset" differently.

I know that sometimes I am relaxing on the couch on the forum when my wife would rather me come back to the bedroom and lie down on the bed and talk to her.

OP's husband may be "upset" because he wants some attention, and it's the lack of attention he's getting vs. a problem with her being on TAM.

Also, people that don't know think you're having one on one conversations with others on here and they naturally worry that some of them are going to start developing a relationship with them. That's a legit worry. Only twice have I ever had a PM from a female here, and the last one defriended me, and no longer posts, lol.
Neither were interested in anything but talking about their marriage. I don't even remember a back and forth with any but one and she was 4 states away and I was single at the time, but had no interest in the person--- but they were fun to talk to.

Just saying it's easy to judge someone as a ruthless control freak when one only hears one side of the story.


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## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> @MZMEE - It sounds like fear is dictating your choice of putting up with your husband's paranoia. I also feel that you are so fearful that you don't respond to threads you start.
> 
> Your husband sounds like a miserable person. And I don't think it's necessarily love that keeps you bound; more likely it's fear.
> 
> Something to consider.


Sorry I am rarely on this forum. I check in and check out. I know I need to do better with responding to threads but this forum is not a priority. It's just a place I stop by and read a few comments and take some things into consideration and move on. I don't have the time to go through each and every post and thread so I may not respond to everything. Most of the time when I am on this forum it's at work. I really appreciate everyone...I just have to find time to go back and answer questions and give comments.

Believe me, fear has absolutely NOTHING to do with this. I really am not fearful. Me and my husband really do have a great relationship for the most part. Out of everything that could be wrong in marriages, really this is our only issue. It's a big one but it is the only issue we have that is causing us pain. His trust issues have a deep root so I am TRYING to help him work through them. Do I get frustrated? Absolutely. so that's when I come here for some schools of thought (thus the reason I am rarely on here...I have other outlets). My husband understands that I will walk away if this doesn't change...this is not my first marriage. He knows clearly that I am just tolerating (not accepting) this behavior of his. There is more value to my husband than this one crappy part of him. 

So no...fear is not why I am staying. 

Yes he is not in the best emotional place right now due to some very challenging events (ie. job loss, death of his mom, weight gain). I am hopeful all this craziness is temporary and not his permanent state of mind. I'm exercising patience but I am far from fearful.


Thanks again everyone.


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## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

Araucaria said:


> Enjoy your cruise. Email and TAM will both be waiting for you when you get home.
> 
> I'd be upset too if my husband and I went on a cruise and he spent too much time checking email and reading/talking on a forum.
> 
> I'm not saying that is what you are doing...your husband probably gives you a hard time no matter what you do.


 @Araucaria thanks. yes we "made up" in time for the cruise. No neither of us are using our phones while on the cruise. It will be a true time of relaxation. 

When we do fun stuff neither of us are tethered to email and forums. I'm only on this forum when I am at work because by time I get home I odn't want to see a computer (I work in IT).


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I know you said your husband realized he was being a jerk about you being on this forum but I will advise you to be careful. I have no doubt he will be scanning the forums looking for your post as a way to spy on you.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> Gotta be careful about jumping on someone's spouse we don't know. People get "upset" all the time. People react to someone getting "upset" differently.
> 
> I know that sometimes I am relaxing on the couch on the forum when my wife would rather me come back to the bedroom and lie down on the bed and talk to her.
> 
> ...


Perhaps you should peruse some of her other threads.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> I'm trying to figure out what this stands for! :scratchhead::wink2:
> 
> But I think I get the general idea.


Dump the mother****er already :grin2:


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

lucy999 said:


> Dump the mother****er already :grin2:


I knew you wouldn't be as crude as I.:grin2:


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

MZMEE said:


> Sorry I am rarely on this forum. I check in and check out. I know I need to do better with responding to threads but this forum is not a priority. It's just a place I stop by and read a few comments and take some things into consideration and move on..


With all due respect, people take time out of their day to think about what advice they'd like to give you then spend their time typing it out. While this forum isn't a 'priority' for probably *any* of us, the fact remains that many have taken the time to respond to your threads and you might want to consider letting everyone know when you start a thread that you likely won't be back much to participate in it because it's not a priority for you.

Secondly, your husband sure had a quick turn-around in his opinion of the forum. He literally went from unfound paranoia and thinking this was a viper pit filled with snakes - all out to get him and to suck you in - to joyfully deciding it's a perfectly harmless teddy bear picnic.

Personally, after reading what a lunatic he is in your other thread, I wouldn't trust this sudden about-face he's doing at *all*. You'll hear about this forum again from him - after he conjures up some imagined egregious sin he'll claim you've committed here. :crazy:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You should still read the book.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MZMEE said:


> So I joined this forum as just an anonymous place to talk about marital topics. I don't have many friends so sometimes it is therapy to get other people's perspectives on various topics and also be a help to other people and their challenges.
> 
> I never told my husband I was a part of this forum because of his mindset. He always perverts this kind of stuff and makes it into something it isn't (i.e. affair). So I left my email open and he snooped in my email and saw I was a part of this forum. He refers to it as CHAT and I told him it is a forum where people from all over talk about marital issues. I'm not "chatting" with anyone and it's not about getting with someone. It has been a help to our marital challenges. I told him I didn't tell him because he would pervert it (in so many words).
> 
> ...


You have a communications problem.










Or to put it another way, every time your husband opens his mouth, all you ever hear is a loud whining noise. Wait! What? That's his voice? Oh... boy. 

This is for him


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I mean, if it can't be said in a meme or gif, is it even worth saying???


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think forums like this are good IF someone has already tried to communicate with their partner.

I can see though how some people would view it as an invasion of privacy. My wife doesn't know I'm here, and would be quite upset. OTOH, I have been unable to communicate with her about the big issue in our marriage, despite making my best effort to do so.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

I think it scared him. If you're out here discussing marital topics then he might fear, even if he won't admit it, that you think you don't have a good marriage. He might fear you're thinking about leaving him. If you're not then you have to re-assure him. Convince him beyond a shadow of a doubt that that isn't the case.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Well, I can see both sides. He may be overreacting but the bottom line is......this is a marriage and you hid it from him which is NEVER healthy and NEVER a sign of honest communication between a husband and wife regardless of your excuses for "I'm getting therapy.....I just didn't want him to pervert it".....you hid something from your spouse. 

That's not healthy. You aren't supposed to hide things from your spouse so I can't really say you did this in the right way.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Perhaps you should read all her threads. And I dont read that she actively deceives. I mean, she left it open.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I keep going back to this:


> So my husband had a porn addiction for years so his level of fantasy is beyond words. Since I have known him he likes to have very perverted sex. Calling me names, treating me like the girls in the porn, making me explain in detail my sexual experiences with other men, and making me dress in heels and well you know. There is never foreplay or loving caressing. I just feel like I am some low life when we have sex. Before or after sex he is the most loving man, sweet man, etc. But something about the act of sex makes him switch to this other person. I tell him it's like his eyes go dark and he even looks at me like I am not his wife. No love, no warmth. I've gone along with all this "fantasy" but I always feel so hurt. He says it is just fantasy and he doesn't mean any of it. It is just his way of "getting off". It's a turn on to him. But I told him I know he is "just playing" but sex is the most intimate part of a couple's lives and I can't separate the experience. I want to feel loved. never feel like it's just me and him in our chemistry because he talks the whole time about me with other men. So I find myself just spreading my legs and laying back like a prostitute. If I don't play along, he gets frustrated and sometimes just stops the whole act.


Your husband has some VERY serious issues that really should be addressed with a professional. Not just in sex but in self esteem - his extreme low self esteem is the reason WHY he checks up on you constantly. He's afraid - constantly - that you will meet someone 'better' than him and you'll leave him. I went through the exact same thing the first 10 years of my marriage. Had I been a stronger person, I would have left him over it. Because marriage IS trust. 

He likely won't volunteer to GET that help, but I think that your marriage won't survive - you won't survive - unless this is addressed. He is using you for some subconscious process, he is nearly 100% NONtrusting of you, and he doesn't see sex as a gift that he can give to you. In other words, you serve A ROLE in his life, rather than you are his partner. You are his possession to serve a purpose. What you are experiencing is not normal. In our 40 years together, thousands of 'experiences,' unless I specifically say so to him, my DH ALWAYS makes sure I'm taken care of first. Every.single.time. In fact, it pleases him to please me and the better job he does, the happier he is with himself. That's what a healthy sex relationship should look like.

Now, like I said, he's not just going to volunteer to get help. But if he were to stop getting all his needs met - as you are currently doing for him - he just might have a REASON to get help. 

At some point, you're going to get fed up with being his blowup doll. And you're going to leave him. If you want the marriage to continue, it behooves you to get him help, and that will likely require YOU saying "I'm not accepting being your sex toy anymore; if you can't give me the same consideration in sex that you expect for yourself, I'm not interested in doing it. I require foreplay. I require hugging, kissing, CARING about me as something other than your piece of porn, and I require that BEFORE you start going to town on me. Now, you can either try to figure that out on your own, or you can go get help, but it stops now."

And I suspect YOU may be too afraid to say that to him, or to draw the line in the sand, so to that I will say that YOU should start going to therapy first, to learn to love yourself and value yourself more.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Ahhh jeez....this guy just gets more repugnant with every damned thing I read. 

Seriously, you've been with this sexual deviant for *TWO* years, not a lifetime. And all you do is try to find ways to accept his disgusting behavior - whether it's calling you nasty filthy names while he uses your body to get off to his twisted fetishes, or putting up with this lunatic calling your office 15 times a day and demanding all your attention.

What is *SO* missing in your life that you're happily willing to constantly *lower *your expectations, allow yourself to be disrespected sexually over and over and over by a sexual deviant, ignore your OWN needs and boundaries, and continually settle for SO little *just *to continue clinging to this man?

It's just ... sad.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

My husband knows I'm on here, he's not bothered by it. He trusts me, but probably also the fact that my computer is always open, so he could, if he wanted to, log on anytime and see what I write. We often talk about threads from here. It also makes me more grateful that I'm married to him, after reading what some people endure just to stay married :O

I don't talk privately with OS members, with the exception of one time, when a regular hadn't been on for a while and I was worried about him so I messaged him. All was good, nothing inappropriate was said on either end and my husband knows.

Is your husband controlling in other areas? Apologies if you've already answered that...I've not read your other threads.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I wouldnt worry about it, OP. The same people who would shame you are forever screeching to BSs elsewhere "Dont tell your spouse about this forum!!"


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