# No More Love Making After EA



## Gunshy94 (Oct 26, 2011)

Hi, guys! I'm a new poster, long time lurker and I'm desperate for any advice, comforting thoughts, etc.!

My H and I have been together for 17 years, (married for 12). Our sex life has been great, up until about 4 years ago, (this was when I learned about his EA that took place 2 years prior). 

Ever since I found the evidence of his EA, (sexual notes from a coworker), I can't help but feel like we lost our love making "spark". When we do have enough energy for sex, that is all it is... we never make love. Now I have very little desire to give in to his advances. 

For instance, last night he was adament about having sex, (not making love), and an overwhelming anger came over me. The first thought that came over me was, why is he so turned on? I wasn't playful or making advances towards him and wondered if maybe there's something going on behind my back again. 

I recall during his EA, (before I found out about it), that he would come home from work extremely turned on and now I fear that he's having another EA, (or worse). He claims he's not having an affair, (he jokes that he doesn't have time for one), yet he goes "home" early some days. He also has a company phone that he keeps locked at all times. I managed to skim through his texts one day, and there was nothing out of the ordinary, but he could have deleted some messages.

I'm sure it sounds like I'm being paranoid, but the pain of the EA he had still lurks and it's been a struggle for me to overcome. I even went through many years of spying on him. I have since calmed that down quite a bit.

I guess I just want to feel like I'm more than just a convenient sex toy. But more than anything, I want to feel loved again, (and for him and I to make love again!). The only way I think I can regain my desire again is for him to talk to me. Unfortunately though, he's a closed book at all times. Every time I bring up anything to do w/ how I feel or our relationship, (past or present), he gets defensive and shuts me out.

I just don't think I can continue in a relationship where communication doesn't exist. Has anyone else felt this way? Has anyone lost their desire for sex when they felt that's all their relationship is based on?


----------



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

During my EA, I was just "having sex" with my wife as well. It was not "making love". But it was rare when it happened because I felt like I was cheating on the OW (how's that for idiotic!). Now, a few months later after being discovered, it's still like "having sex" and that really bothers me. I don't want that all of the time. I'm trying to bring back the romance and make love once again. I haven't been successful yet. The bad part is that my wife is promoting "having sex" quite often. I feel bad afterwards for not "making love" to her.

Just tell him that you want the romance back in your sex life. He'll listen.


----------



## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

I agree with HerToo. If he's a closed book, then putting it to him in a way that doesn't need his response might work wonders.


----------



## Gunshy94 (Oct 26, 2011)

Thank you for the advice, guys! Sorry for the delay in my response. 

I took your advice and confronted him about the lack of love making. We ended up having a heated discussion that turned into an eye opener for both of us. Something clicked that night and now we're getting along great! Things aren't "perfect" by any means, but the romance has returned.

He opened up about the intimacy issue he's having and, come to find out, it had nothing to w/ me, (or the EA he had awhile back). He was battling a prescription drug addiction a year or so ago and he's currently in a treatment program. His doc seems to think that his testosterone level is low and, unfortunately without insurance, we can't afford to get the testing done.

So, in other words, it takes a lot to get him to "perform". I now know that he wants to make love to me, but having down & dirty sex is the only way he can climax. 

Again, I truly appreciate the advice you gave me and I hope that things continue to improve!


----------

