# lack of sex is hurting young marriage



## whiterose2012 (Jun 18, 2012)

This is the first time I post!! 
After not knowing who else to turn to, I decided why not turn to the entire world, with the anonymity the internet provides! As many of you may concur, when you want your marriage to work, there is little you wouldn't do. 

My husband and I are both young and have been living together for 4 years. We have been married for 2. The first year I caught him engaging in flirtatious texting with his coworker. She wanted to meet up late after work because he never mentioned he was with someone. He never led on but never stopped her texts. 
After that we talked about him perhaps not being ready for a relationship and needing to live the single life. He did not agree. After that there were issues with porn usage. At first it didn't bother me, but it did when he would consistently prefer to watch porn over making love with me. It got really bad when I started to work late nights and would not see him all day. He would just watch porn at all hours and deny it. All of this was happening when I was more than willing to have sex whenever however he wanted. I tried being sexier, naive, sweet, passive, dominant, sexgames, traditional, food, bondage, up down whatever we tried it. 


He doesn't have problems responding after I put in my good 15minutes of seduction. He just doesn't start it and the thing that hurts the most is he often rejects my advances. He claims he is too tired and stressed to have sex, but anything else he is more than willing to do. Sex is just like an extra job he refuses to do. 

There has been no more infidelity. Porn usage appears to be tamed, if he even watches it at all. The relationship appears to be getting a little better when it comes to communication and other aspects. Everything is slowly moving upwards, except his sex drive. 

I've talked to him in as many ways as I've tried sex positions! endless number of ways. I've been sweet and gone all the way to demanding better treatment. We've seen a therapist but only for a few sessions. I think we need a sex-therapist but resources do not currently allow. 

I believe that the fact that he was molested as a child led him to in a way fear sex. He has trouble connecting sex and making love, I say this because he is nice and caring but when we have sex he tries to be as little intimate as possible. 

Sex happens once a month or two three days in a row and than it disappears for a while. I have to instigate it. Even then he often refuses me. We talk about it but always his defense is he is too tired for sex. nothing else, just sex. 

I've wondered and asked him if he is gay or bi. He got mad at the insult because his ego was hurt. It made me suspicious but I can see how his 'manliness' was hurt. I have no other reasons to believe he is but my mind is running out of reasons. 

I've wondered if the way I act or looks is the problem. So I have lost weight, gained weight, changed hair color, tanned, changed clothing style, nothing. I know its not me, I wish it was me, it would make things so much easier. I get hit on at the gas station when Im wearing zero makeup. I get hit on on my feeling bad hair days. How on earth do I get attention from every other guy, except for the only one I love. 

Currently I'm at a good point in my life to decide to break things off, because we don't have kids yet, it could be a clean break. Never the less the decision is not something I take lightly and my heart breaks with every rejection. 

please let me know what you think, if you've been trough this, what worked. why this.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Is he willing to go to individual counseling to address his history of being abused?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whiterose2012 (Jun 18, 2012)

He says he would be, but we don't have the money and he doesnt want to take time off work for it. 
We have talked about it he admits to the possibility that it could be affecting him but he says he doesn't really think so. 

I disagree. I feel like he still ashamed and I am the only person he has told other than hinting about the incident to his mom


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

its simple

he is not interested and is withdrawing there is nothing you can do to spark his interest again and if you do which you can it will only be for so longer. If an attraction ever exists their is potential but that does not equate to love. It is best to look at the situation and weight the likely hood that he wont ever do something like try and cheat again.


Your unhappiness will continue unless you leave (imo) you can try marriage counseling (hopefully it works) but i see it as he is clearly not 100% in this marriage and has a lack of interest in sex for what could be a number of reasons. 

best of luck


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## whiterose2012 (Jun 18, 2012)

Goldmember357 said:


> its simple
> 
> he is not interested and is withdrawing there is nothing you can do to spark his interest again and if you do which you can it will only be for so longer. If an attraction ever exists their is potential but that does not equate to love. It is best to look at the situation and weight the likely hood that he wont ever do something like try and cheat again.
> 
> ...


I think what you said is there is no love. I have often reached this conclusion but its difficult to accept when he tells me with tears in his eyes that he loves me and doesn't want us to separate. He is so nice, caring, and protecting in other ways so I believe him.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

A lot of domestic abuse shelters also provide free counseling for survivors of abuse. I'd start calling around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sporto (Jun 18, 2012)

If you have no kids and can move on Do it!! He has a problem and it is not up to you to fix him. It sounds like you will have a lot of hardship in front of you if you stay with him. Cut the cord and move on! Take care of you! find someone that will make you happy not someone you have to fix. Good LUck!!


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## whiterose2012 (Jun 18, 2012)

Sporto said:


> If you have no kids and can move on Do it!! He has a problem and it is not up to you to fix him. It sounds like you will have a lot of hardship in front of you if you stay with him. Cut the cord and move on! Take care of you! find someone that will make you happy not someone you have to fix. Good LUck!!


I don't know where to get the strength to give up on my marriage. I guess I have soul searching to do, but my mind is clouded by how much I wanted it to get better. I've discussed getting a divorce. He says he is tired of trying and it not being enough and yesterday told me to just to whatever I believe will make me happy, if that was to leave then to leave. 

This was a relief to hear but last time he said this and I agreed he ended up begging me to stay. If he is willing to make a clean break this time its also scary because that means he's given up. 

He can go days on end without talking to me, only saying the bare minimum. He can go to sleep while he knows Im crying right next to him. I guess this should be a hint that he has given up long ago. 

When I find the courage to really accept that, I may leave. For now I dont know where to get that gdddaaam courage. 

Years ago someone told me that if I ever got married to marry someone who loved me more than I loved them. That way I would be in the power position and just in case not get hurt as much. 
I thought oh how egotistical, selfish and wrong is that! I took a risk and married for love and threw caution to the wind! My romantic idiotic self thought with love everything else will come. Now I find myself pondering about the advise given to me long ago.

Is that the raw reality of how life works? 

Im nauseated.


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## Sporto (Jun 18, 2012)

Go work out it will help your mind and body. Do it!! While being in the power position does work for a while, after time you will lose respect for that person and still be unhappy. Marriage is mutual respect, wanting to meet each others needs. The longer you stay in this unhealthy situation the more jaded you will become. GEt out know! Working out is where you need to start. It is hard to do what you have to do but you can do it. You only live once there is no redo's!!


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## whiterose2012 (Jun 18, 2012)

Sporto said:


> Go work out it will help your mind and body. Do it!! While being in the power position does work for a while, after time you will lose respect for that person and still be unhappy. Marriage is mutual respect, wanting to meet each others needs. The longer you stay in this unhealthy situation the more jaded you will become. GEt out know! Working out is where you need to start. It is hard to do what you have to do but you can do it. You only live once there is no redo's!!




you're right. I miss the more vibrant me. 
Now I am unbelievably craving a run.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> A lot of domestic abuse shelters also provide free counseling for survivors of abuse. I'd start calling around.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_












Also a lot of insurance allow councelling free.....that is what I use.

Check around....you will be surprised.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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