# Contraceptive Advice



## user172 (Mar 16, 2011)

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## user172 (Mar 16, 2011)

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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

1, it DOES feel better BIG time... 

As for what yo use... be careful with the pill cause antibiotics kill it, but look into depo or IUD type things. There is also one that can be placed under the skin of the arm, but I was never gonna go there so I don't know much.

BTW... tell her DEPO is once every 3 months AND YAY it gets rid of your period HOW COOL IS THAT!!!!!!!!


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## user172 (Mar 16, 2011)

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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

DEPO, but it can REALLY mess someone up. Emotional shifts and big weight gain are possible.

IUD is great. More painful periods, but otherwise the best option. The all copper ones and not the copper and hormone ones are the way to go.


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## user172 (Mar 16, 2011)

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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I'm not sure why you want to continue to use condoms. Either the pill or and IUD are VERY effective. Yes there is a small chance she will still get pregnant, but you may also be hit by a car, lose your job, break a leg, or choke on food today too.

I feel like this is a part of a bigger dynamic between you two, and this isn't totally about contraception. Why is going from 99% chance of no baby to 99.99% chance worth the argument for you? It will feel far better for both of you to not use a condom. I can't tell from your post what is causing this.

Your post seems well laid out and you talk a lot about the points and arguments. I'm just not sure why you are so stuck on this. I feel like a vast majority of people would ditch the condoms and have great feeling sex.


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## user172 (Mar 16, 2011)

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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Do you work in math/science/engineering?

I am a grad student in a science and this feels like an argument I would have had with my wife years ago. Check out my MC story in my profile. 

Be really careful on issues like this. Being right and safe isn't worth it a lot of the time.

Are you willing to have your wife unhappy so that in the next 3 years you don't have small chance of getting pregnant before 100% ready. I'm pretty sure you can tell me what the probability of 1 in 100 chance every months for 3 years is.

That is the human condition. You can't control MUCH of what goes on, but you really want to control the outcome of this. Issues and sticking points like this can be very hurtful to a relationship.

Losing marital happiness and dulling the feeling of sex is not worth this in my view. Do you understand that that is what is at stake, not just a slight increase in probability, which still comes out to a very small chance of getting pregnant.


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## user172 (Mar 16, 2011)

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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

yeah, unfortunately my science background really hurt my relationship. Being right all day at work and then coming back and being right with my wife was a horrible dynamic.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

What field does your wife work in?

My is a social worker, and we have VERY different backgrounds and training. The skills I needed to be great at for work worked against my life at home. 

We scientists and engineers can be really hard to get along with and understand. Even when our partner is also in the same area of work, our skills that we are proud of and pay the bills can work against our own happiness.

It took me a long time and a hard road to realize how to treat my wife and be a success in my field at the same time. I'm not saying you treat your wife wrong at all. I'm saying be careful and mindful of these issues


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Stick with the oral contraceptives. You should only have to use backup (condom) when she is taking antibiotics or has skipped BC pills for a few days. I've seen more women get pregnant on Depo and Norplant (now discontinued and replaced by something else) than on the BC pills. If remembering to take the BC pills at regular times each day is a problem, she may want to consider going to the NuvaRing.


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## user172 (Mar 16, 2011)

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## Jones (Sep 15, 2010)

if she takes the pill regularly she will not get pregnant. Give up the condoms. Don't be so uptight about it. Just enjoy.


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## user172 (Mar 16, 2011)

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## Jones (Sep 15, 2010)

I think you are worried that she will mess up on the pill. Why else does she want you to stop using them. It wont make it any more pleasurable for her. If you are ok with them why does she care....unless she wants a kid.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Personally, I think you're being way over-cautious. Here would be my response to you, from your wife's perspective...

1) Don't be silly. I'm willing to take that responsibility. Saying that we both need to shoulder the load is like saying we should both do laundry together at the same time, when it's just as easy for one person to do it by themselves.

2) Do you really want to live your life fixated on a plan you made years ago, or can we be a little flexible and discuss things? And we're not "totally disregarding" it. We're still following the plan (no kids till certain goals or targets are met).

3) Virtually every other couple out there relies on ONE method of birth control, and doesn't worry about it. Or maybe we should take it to the next step... You wear a condom, I'll take birth control, I'll use a female condom, maybe an IUD, and then we'll only have sex at certain times of the month. How's that work for you? Or maybe we can just have oral sex... Even safer!

For gosh sake, live a little, man! You both acknowledge it wouldn't be a serious issue if you ended up having a kid. You're going to have kids eventually. You trust her. And the BC pills are very effective if used correctly. So let it go already. Unless you've got some deep dark fears that you're not admitting either to her or on here... In which case, you might want to do some serious soul-searching to find out what they are. Are you really sure you want to have kids with this woman (or at all), or is there something you're not being honest about with yourself? And I'm not trying to be cruel, I'm asking seriously.

C


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## user172 (Mar 16, 2011)

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## user172 (Mar 16, 2011)

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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Again, you could decrease your risk even further if you either abstained, included the rhythm or withdrawl method, used additional layers of protection, or switched to only oral/anal sex. At what point do you draw the line as "good enough"? For the vast majority of couples (and sexually active singles), one form of birth control is "good enough". Others might be included if you didn't trust your partner (no history with them, etc). 

It seems like you've given up your other two arguments, which is a good start... 

EDIT: My point on the third item is that you could continue to add layers of protection and be "even more" protected. Why stop at 2 when 3 or 4 would take you from 99.9% to 99.99999%? Not that you would switch from one to another.

Yes, couples have accidents. But stuff happens in life, and you deal with it. One of you could get sick in a manner that renders you infertile before you have kids, then what? You can play the "what if" game any way you want to, to get the results you want.

And yes, I think you're being uptight. 

C


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## Jones (Sep 15, 2010)

99% effective. Live a little. The risk may make it more exciting.


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## user172 (Mar 16, 2011)

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## user172 (Mar 16, 2011)

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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

user172 said:


> I'm open to reason. I feel like I'm a logical person and if I am wrong I can acknowledge that.
> 
> I just don't know what to talk about with her anymore though. We have gone over all of this stuff. I TOTALLY understand her viewpoint. I really do. But to me its about the numbers. If we don't want X to happen yet, then don't allow an opening for it to occur.
> 
> I could suggest abstinence... but I don't think she would go for that. Not after the ONE time we did it without a condom... :-/


I think that's you're problem... You're ONLY open to logic and reason. Relationships aren't built on that. At least, not strong ones (IMHO). The decision to date, get married, etc is usually based on emotions and feelings, not analysis and logic.

And just as an FYI, unless you keep your little swimmers in your body, you're allowing an opening for her to get pregnant. But you probably shouldn't be sleeping in the same bed as her either, just in case... Accidents happen, you know?

Seriously, I think you need to look at WHY you need such a degree of protection from something you both seem to acknowledge wouldn't be a world-ending event, and one that you both agree is going to happen sooner or later anyway. It's not like she's going to die from getting pregnant, even in the unlikely event that happened.

C


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## Jones (Sep 15, 2010)

and your logic is wrong. It does not matter how many times you have sex. 1 or 10000. It is same odds each time. 1 in 100. Each time it is same odds. 
Give in. Let her win this one.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Good point, Jones! Same as flipping a coin... Each time, you've got a 50% chance of getting a head or a tail. Getting head one flip doesn't guarantee getting tail the next time.

C


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## user172 (Mar 16, 2011)

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## user172 (Mar 16, 2011)

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## Jones (Sep 15, 2010)

The logic is...by using a condom you decrease the chance of pregnancy by 0.9%. Not a big change from the pill alone. Is your wife's pleasure not worth the risk (which isn't much of a risk at all).


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## user172 (Mar 16, 2011)

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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

You know, while I really do think that you're overthinking all of this and that your estimation of the odds of pregnancy are somewhat skewed....what it comes down to in the end is that you simply aren't going to be comfortable having sex in any way, shape or form _unless_ you have what is for you, an adequate level of protection. It's that simple. And if you aren't comfortable, it's eventually going to affect your sex life and your relationship overall. So in the end, you'll both be better off just dealing with multiple forms of birth control, whatever you choose. 

That being said, I would probably avoid the statistical discussion of orders of magnitude when discussing it with your wife. I think you need to be honest and tell her that you are really just not in any way, shape or form ready for a family yet. That's really the issue. And it's actually great that you realize that. Otherwise things like "she shouldn't shoulder birth control alone" and infinitesimal fractions of percentage points would not become orders of magnitude. 

The data exists to support any action you want to take, single form, multiple forms, have a kid on birth control, off birth control, heck....you don't even actually know that you'd get pregnant right away if you _did_ try. Your wife is telling you that she wants to feel closer etc. and you need to reassure her that it's not an unwillingness to compromise or deviate from the plan or the calculations--but about your feelings about potentially starting a family right now.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> Of course I want my wife to be happy. I realize marriage is give and take. I realize some concessions must be made. But for something so monumental as bringing a life into this world, don't I deserve a bit of comfort in this as well? That is the crux of this conversation. It is the advice I am looking for.


 Losing an argument or getting the short end of a compromise and still feeling good about it is hard. If you can figure out how to do that, I would like to know so I can do it. In this situation, the short end of the compromise is getting to have sex without a condom with your wife, which is awesome.

If you are really concerned about the numbers, a fully copper IUD is more effective. That along with pills is almost bulletproof. 

I'm pretty sure pills are more effective than 1 in 100 for every sexual encounter.

In my opinion, your wife is right in this one. The answer to how to feel good about it lies in you.



> I deserve a bit of comfort in this as well?


 99% isn't good enough for you? its mostly a rhetorical question. When does it become good enough?

From what you've responded to, you seem very stubborn and stuck on this, and what we've said hasn't been good enough as an answer. If you are looking for a 100% logical reason, you may not find it. Getting this stubborn and stuck on issues like this isn't healthy for a relationship.

Bringing a life into the world is a really big deal, but injuring your relationship and sex life over this is just as big.


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## ARF (Jan 26, 2011)

I could be wrong, but it sounds like this to me:

You could be a bit stubborn. You have your mind set on numbers. You believe you are right, and want to get your way. You are even willing to sacrifice additional pleasure sexually for both of you to be "right".

This is not worth a fight if you trust her to take her pills, and you say you do.


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## AniversaryFight (Mar 7, 2011)

With no disrespect... women are illogical and so as relationships so Logics work at work only. To prove that women are illogical is when you are tooooo nice to your woman she looses attraction to you (that is illogical)
For us men when a woman is too nice we get attracted to them (logic). 
Be more spontaneous man, plans changes, relax

May be by telling you that she does not want you to use condom, she is telling you indirectly that, she wants to feel your ..... more for the sex to be better. She wants to enjoy sex more. Hurry up, take off your condom and get in bare. Please your woman, she just get bored with sex with condom on. she want to screem more. By the way she is your wife. I personally do not enjoy sex that much with condom on. Do you? Does she? Mindblowing sex is very important in any relationship, pay attention to it. forget about logics they will lad you to be unattreactive and later you will come here asking for sad advices..


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## user172 (Mar 16, 2011)

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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Just one more post... Do NOT hold on to your resentment. You've both made a decision, now let it go. There's many things in a relationship where one person gets their way and the other one doesn't; where a compromise isn't an option because of the nature of the decision. This is one of them.

C


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## Jones (Sep 15, 2010)

I agree with PBear. Don't take that attitude into the bedroom. Just enjoy the fact that you will be pleasuring her a little bit more, and you will be enjoying it more as well. Try to look for the positive angle.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> I gave up something and she gave up nothing.
> 
> I am still not comfortable with this.


 Compromise sucks sometimes, but you have to get over it. 

You get to have sex with your wife w/o a condom. Its not THAT bad of a compromise.

Again though, losing a discussion and not feel like your side is as important can suck.


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## airplane (Mar 15, 2011)

Enjoy the freedom of no condom and not being able to tell where you skin ends and hers begins. Thats how great it feels without a condom. If want the feeling of a condom; there is anal sex and blowjobs.


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## user172 (Mar 16, 2011)

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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> I will try to not hold on, but this submission represents a fundamental change in the way I have lived my life for well over a decade... it wont be easy.


 Yes, that would make it hard. I think you did the right thing. No its not going to be easy.

Best of luck.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You are making a big mistake. A Very big mistake. Your sexual future is at stake. Read the many posts of men who's wives wont have sex with them. This starts with husband being selfish early in the marriage. You are being selfish. You are telling your wife that strict aherance to YOUR LIFE PLAN is more important than HER SEXUAL NEEDS. You may as well say that directly to her. In the future, when she cuts off the sex the reason she will do it is because your actions told her this. The risks you talk about are ludicrous to the point I think this post is fake.


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## user172 (Mar 16, 2011)

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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Well, when your extreme need for caution gets in the way of you providing for a sexual need that she expressed, what will happen is once you have kids she will stop being sexual at all. You will then be in a very unhappy situation in life.


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## changehappens (Sep 14, 2010)

I think you're being an a$$ - sorry. I didn't read all the posts so don't know if anyone has brought this up yet. But I think there must be something more than just the making a baby issue here. Are you afraid her you-know-what is going to bite your you-know-what if it isn't properly dressed? You're afraid, aren't you? Maybe some of the responsibility of having a baby si scary, but there's something more there, isn't there, if you really reach deep down and rummage around in the dark places. I mean, you argue way too strongly in favor of numbers - maybe you should be in the insurance industry instead of IT. 

Anyway - life is messy and you can't plan everything perfectly. Roll with it and quit being such a tight-fisted jerk about it. The resentment you carry will fester and bite you hard later - guarenteed.


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## AniversaryFight (Mar 7, 2011)

Dude, do not be sooo much concreate, be a good lover otherwise you will come here some day complaining on either of these: you havent had sex for 1 yr, your wife has been cheated on you, your wife in no more in love with you, she wants a divorce.

Do not ever be selfish on bed! EVER!!! you can be in some other areas but NEVER THIS...PERIOD!


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

User172, I have been in your exact position!! If it helps, the compromise we came to was pill with no condoms and the withdrawal method.

That way he gets his extra peace of mind and I get my fun 

Hope this helps.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## user172 (Mar 16, 2011)

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## AniversaryFight (Mar 7, 2011)

You still keep on missing my point, you still want to win and see who is right or wrong. This is not a good thing in a relationship.

By the way when I was telling you that you are too concreat and you should be not selfish means be two things: 
1. - A leader, dorminant (concreate) - selfish
2. - A good lover and a husband - unselfish

You are missing number 2, and by the way number 1 creates better number 2.
Missing these two things will guarantee divorce, being cheated, sexless marriage in a future!

From your question "Don't you think my wife is being selfish "
Your wife is communicating with you more at a level that most women will not even communicate that far. she is telling you that she wants to feel you more to keep your marriage happy. some other women will be quiet and resent you, look for a man who can listen and satisfy her sexualy. Your wife does not want to cheat on you. but if you keep on pushing her to do so, she might do.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I don't remember if it's been suggested already, but have you guys also considered incorporating the rhythm method as well? Obviously one of the ways that the pill works is by preventing ovulation in the first place, but you could also give it a little "backup" if you will, by simply avoiding intercourse for the days each month that she would most likely ovulate, if she were to actually ovulate by some freakish twist of fate. And since the pill has her on a regular cycle, it would actually be pretty easy to calculate the odds for that with some pretty minimal research. I would just be sure to use a reliable site like Mayo Clinic or Web MD for your information, just to be on the safe side.


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## changehappens (Sep 14, 2010)

I don't know why, but I work up this morning thinking about this thread - it's a weird thing, I know. Anyway, the thought came to me that:

1. you're afraid to have kids - like you're not ready and you don't want to accept the responsibility. IMO, at your age, it's the perfect time.

2. you don't truly trust your wife - you don't believe that she won't 'forget' to take her pill and then, guess what - "I'm pregnant honey - how'd that happen?"

3. you're somewhat of a control freak and and have to maintain that element of always having the final word, the top hand, the condom - whatever metaphore you want. Ask yourself if this is true at home, work and in your other private relationships. If yes, then you have some serious thinking to do b.c. your marriage is already in danger and you don't even know it.


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## user172 (Mar 16, 2011)

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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

Why is everyone attacking the OP for not wanting kids?

It doesn't matter how old he is, if he doesn't want them then that's his choice.

THe issue is that not using condoms makes him Uncomfortable, he has every right to feel that way.

I have already told you how I got around this problem. I can see where your wife is coming from, condoms can be really uncomfortable for us girls. So I would agree with the advice given here to ditch them before they can cause resentment between you (as I believe you already have) mainly because she has already compromised by using them for the last ? Years. Maybe its your turn to be slightly uncomfortable?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## user172 (Mar 16, 2011)

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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Well I support what you did user. Change like this is hard. Compromise is hard. I didn't realize it till it had seriously damaged my marriage.

Best of luck.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My advice since you appear to be at a standstill with this and can NOT agree. 

Use your condoms when she is FERTILE -ovulation window ( about 5-9 days top of her cycle a month) If she has a regular 28 day cycle (period) she will ovulate anywhere from day 11- day 19 approx - day 28 being the beginning of her period. (Day 14th the MOST RISKY of all!) 

Some women use Basal Body thermometers every morning - and write on a chart to practice "Natural Birth control", so they know when they are ovulating. I never used any contraceptives but rubbers my entire marraige until I got an IUD, and we used those rubbers during the Ovulation window - and NEVER outside of that. Only once did I get pregnant and guess what - I KNEW that very night -it was possible , I think it was a day 18- but we took the chance. (some things you just remember). 

I really think you are missing out BIG TIME by using those rain coats (what my husband called them) every single encounter. Seriously.

I think the Paragard IUD is the best thing on the market - totally non -hormonal (which wont affect her sex drive at all) - but some Docs won't give insert this UNless she has had at least one child. But some do as my aunt had it - took it out 9 or so yrs later & had her only baby. (can stay in for up to 12 full years) no pills, no hormones, no mess, no worries . I love mine!


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> I think the Paragard IUD is the best thing on the market - totally non -hormonal (which wont affect her sex drive at all) - but some Docs won't give insert this UNless she has had at least one child.


 Why won't they do it without having a child first? My wife is using this now, and it is great. I didn't realize that this was a concern or docs did it like this.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

user, I think you guys have come up with a great compromise. Using extra protection during those riskier days while still enjoying the freedom on the others seems like a good solution. Congrats on that.

You could also try spermicidal foam or whatever during those days. Or you could use those days to encourage oral sex, as it seemed that might be an issue...  But I wouldn't try combining those (oral and the foam) from what I understand.

As an FYI, my wife and I used condoms before we decided to have kids. We didn't use them safely; full penetration for extended periods prior to putting them on for the big finish. But that kept us safe for years, and after finally getting rid of them to have kids, we got pregnant within 2 cycles. So fertility wasn't an issue.

Nowadays, my partner and I are both using protection; I'm snipped and she's on BC pills. We still use condoms for now as well, but it's for health concerns rather than pregnancy concerns. But I can't tell you how much I despise them, even though I know they're currently required. They totally derail my train, having to stop, put one on, then pick up where I left off... And it feels like once it's on, you better finish the job, otherwise it will get dried up and you'll have to put another one on or risk it breaking. So it wrecks the spontaneity as well. Plus the lack of sensitivity... 

C


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

anx said:


> Why won't they do it without having a child first? My wife is using this now, and it is great. I didn't realize that this was a concern or docs did it like this.


There can be issues with the IUD "fitting" into the uterus as well as additional risk of increased cramping and expulsion of the IUD when it hasn't ever er....had something stretching it out before.

I don't thing it's extremely common, but it's the closest thing to a side effect that the copper IUD has and it happens exceptionally more in women who haven't had kids before insertion.

But that being said, I have the other IUD, with the hormones, and I can't imagine life without it! It's the best thing I think I ever did! No babies, no periods, no worries....it's just the bomb! :smthumbup:


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