# My husband is in a cult.



## Lioness

Greetings to all,
This is my first post here, please forgive me skipping introducing myself first and the length of my post. 
I need some advice.
My husband (is) and I were hebrew israelites, a small sect of strict jews of african american decent (all though I am white) that have a small community in Israel and satellite communities abroad in the states, Africa, Europe and the Caribbean. We were intimately involved in this group until '07, when we moved out on our own, in preparation to move to Israel permanently to be closer to the community there. 
To make a long story short, living away from this community has been good for me (and us) and I have been evolving spiritually away from many of the tenants and doctrine of the belief system. Also, this summer I found out some very disturbing info about all kinds of abuse, child abuse and covering it up, abuses of power by leadership etc.. and it just turned me off completely to the idea of moving to Israel and even being in the community (cult) at all. 
I shared this info with my husband, knowing what his response would be, knowing that I can't stand to be in the community and remain 100% committed to it (I wouldn't admit it was a cult until about a month ago). 
But his response has been this: Israel is his final destination, with or without me, I knew that was the plan when we married, and he is still a strong believer in the doctrine and feels he can "help" these awful situations. 
We have been having ongoing discussions about the community, our relationship, our plans, etc...since June. we ended up in our last conversation where I stated that "by the scriptures that he believes in, it says nothing can come in between 2 people the creator has brought together (not even a faulty belief system IMHO)" and that he needs to take a trip to Israel to see for himself what is going on and if he comes back and still wants to move there 100% then I will let him go and we will part ways. But I made it clear that I din't want to give up so easily and I know he doesn't either.
My dilemma is that; new spiritual differences withstanding, we have a really great relationship. We have been married 7 years, and we are best friends, we are a good team we work well together, great sex (although we have had issues with infertility...another issue/post all together), we laugh, we balance each other out, learn from each other, our families love us together, he is super supportive, he is super affectionate and gentle. He has a heart of gold, except when it comes to his attachment to this group (and I'll give him; his faith).
The situation is just so confusing to me, because I am scared one day he will just up and leave me behind because I don't want to live in Israel any more, in fact I want to move back closer to my family (which he refuses to even consider). But it may pan out that he doesn't ever muster the effort to actually go (especially with out my help..lol) but he would never actually make the decision not to, so we end up living in a limbo type scenario.....which I don't know if I can live like that.
I have considered just giving up and leaving and chalking it up to us moving in 2 different directions (which we are at this point). I have considered waiting it out and seeing if he changes his mind. I have considered waiting until he doesn't change his mind and leaves me. And no scenario is appealing to me at all. How long do you wait and see if someone will have a change of heart? 
Thanks in advance.


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## Lioness

Wow, over sixty views and no responses. well, I realize that our situation is very serious and we need some outside intervention. I realize we can't figure this out on our own. I was hoping someone would have some kind of advice or encouragement or something. We have had some outside input and council and I am going to continue that. However, although the specifics of our dilemma are very odd, I believe we are no different than any other married couple who has come to a fork in the road, wondering which path to take. 
Hoping to hear from you soon


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## that_girl

Which cult is it?


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## Lioness

Hi that girl, I'd rather not say.


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## COGypsy

I think that there are probably a lot of similarities between addiction to chemicals and addiction to a 'community', as you put it. To that end, I think you would need to start thinking about what your dealbreakers with the understanding that an addict will always feed their addiction first, then anything else in their life. When you were both active in the addiction, as it were, then it was easy to go the same way and give each other everything left. Now that you're in recovery, are you willing to stay with another addict? Moreover, are you willing to complicity support the crimes of the 'community' in order to stay with your husband? And how long are you willing to give up your power and autonomy while you wait for an active addict to decide whether he loves his 'faith' or you more?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lioness

Thank you COGypsy!
I have never thought about relating this situation to addiction, this is what I am figuring out now, what are my deal breakers...and its' not looking very good for him unfortunately. because I am not willing to sit by and as you put it so well "complicity support the crimes of the 'community' in order to stay with your husband. And neither am I willing to give up your power and autonomy anymore."
Thank you for your response. It helps very much


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## roshyeshiva

Lioness said:


> Thank you COGypsy!
> I have never thought about relating this situation to addiction, this is what I am figuring out now, what are my deal breakers...and its' not looking very good for him unfortunately. because I am not willing to sit by and as you put it so well "complicity support the crimes of the 'community' in order to stay with your husband. And neither am I willing to give up your power and autonomy anymore."
> Thank you for your response. It helps very much


A little off topic.

Being an orthodox jew, I just want to clarify and make sure our image does not get tainted.

The cult she refers to has nothing to do with jews, judaism is not a cult, and will never be.

This is some odd cult that unfortunately has something to do with Israel and it make it sound like it's jewish.

And for the record, most orthodox jews are against the state of Israel, we don't recognize Israel as the jewish land before the messiah comes, and therfore we consider Israel being revolutionary and in power by force against god's will.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lioness

roshyeshiva said:


> A little off topic.
> 
> Being an orthodox jew, I just want to clarify and make sure our image does not get tainted.
> 
> The cult she refers to has nothing to do with jews, judaism is not a cult, and will never be.
> 
> This is some odd cult that unfortunately has something to do with Israel and it make it sound like it's jewish.
> 
> And for the record, most orthodox jews are against the state of Israel, we don't recognize Israel as the jewish land before the messiah comes, and therfore we consider Israel being revolutionary and in power by force against god's will.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi Roshyeshiva,
This thread is more for advice for my situation with my marriage, not to debate spirituality. Please leave that for another conversation. Thanks!


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## Runs like Dog

You're hung up on the word cult. Be that as it may it's unimportant. The issue is that you're on diverging paths vis a vis this community and this faith. It's no different if one spouse suddenly becomes a born again Christian and the other does not. It's pretty difficult because the nature of faith....is faith. Hard to switch directions with that. My thought is you have to simply lay it out honestly. If your problem is that 'it' creates too much friction between you then say that. But if the issue is simply that you no longer approve of his beliefs and value system then that's what you need to say.


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## Lioness

Runs like Dog said:


> You're hung up on the word cult. Be that as it may it's unimportant. The issue is that you're on diverging paths vis a vis this community and this faith. It's no different if one spouse suddenly becomes a born again Christian and the other does not. It's pretty difficult because the nature of faith....is faith. Hard to switch directions with that. My thought is you have to simply lay it out honestly. If your problem is that 'it' creates too much friction between you then say that. But if the issue is simply that you no longer approve of his beliefs and value system then that's what you need to say.


Thank you Runs Like Dog,
That is very insightful! It is true that we are now on two divergent paths. I guess I am trying to decide if I should wait and see if he "wakes up" and sees that his faith in the creator doesn't have to change, it's his relationship to this group and putting it over our marriage that does. Or just cut my losses and move on. This is the question I have been living with for the last six months. In my heart of hearts I know he loves me and I am hopeful that he will "wake up" (IMHO) but from what he says, at this point he is sticking with his original plan of moving "to the promised land".
peace and love!


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## allisterfiend

They are all cults. It does not matter if its satanism or christianity. They are all cults.


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## Jennifer_DIN

There are pretty clear markers for whether something qualifies as a cult, such as financial commitments and requests to cut everyone else out of your life:

CRITERIA FOR DETERMINING IF A GROUP IS A DESTRUCTIVE CULT


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## RECHTSANWALT

Lioness,
I think your first post gives the answer. What comes first to him: yourself or his faith/beliefs? Your post clearly tells me that you two are great friends, and could perhaps stay that way.

But in so far as marriage / marital companionship goes, there need to be common goals. Your paths are divergent. You need to move on. 

Good luck!


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## QuietSoul

Hi Lioness.

I have experienced being in a cult myself. I was in a bible-based cult where i lived for a year, and had strong ties with them for some time therafter. It was a harrowing experience and one that i would never wish on anyone. I know of it's power to destroy relationships and break families apart.

If you are still a woman of faith, I would recommend that you pray for him. Sometimes, it is only God that can reach a person, open their eyes and bring them out of that kind of bondage. When a person is in a group, they are often not open to anything that anyone says who is not 100% committed to the cause and has only positive things to say about the group.

Another suggestion i would make is to contact some cult watch groups or cult exit support organisations. One that exists in the US is Steven Hassan who heads up Freedom of Mind Institute. He was a member of the Moonies but is now Jewish (which i think might be his original background), so he may be able to connect with you on the level of the Jewish faith and identify the faults with that groups doctrine.

Feel free to message me if you would like to correspond some more. My heart goes out to both of you and i wish the best for your marriage

x o


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## jgayle01

This sounds like a very difficult challenge and I will pray for both of you.
I offer this to you: the Bible teaches "How can two walk together except they agree?" This passage gets quoted and misused a lot, but it is very practical guidance. For example, if you don't smoke, would all of your friends be smokers? Maybe a few, and you would be careful to avoid their smoking and they would possible avoid smoking around you. You are accomodating them, but you are not truly "walking" together. The smoking limits how far your friendship can go.
This may not be the best example, but hope it drives my point. The goal of marriage is for "two to become as one flesh". You won't ever truly be one with your husband as long as this spiritual divide remains. You describe a beautiful relationship and friendship with him, but now you are on a path that will not lead to the same place. I hate to say it, but the marital relationship would not survive such a major gap in beliefs.
Pray earnestly for your husband and yourself. If you truly love him (and I believe you do), I can't imagine you would want to see him remain in this group. One last scripture reference: "The unbelieving husband is sanctified by the believing wife...by her chaste conversation, coupled with fear [respect and due reverance]." Your loving conduct with him can make all the difference. It won't be easy, but it's possible!!!


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## cam44

roshyeshiva said:


> And for the record, most orthodox jews are against the state of Israel, we don't recognize Israel as the jewish land before the messiah comes, and therfore we consider Israel being revolutionary and in power by force against god's will.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is this true -- it seems bizarre ... ?!?!


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## Catherine602

roshyeshiva said:


> A little off topic.
> 
> Being an orthodox jew, I just want to clarify and make sure our image does not get tainted.
> 
> The cult she refers to has nothing to do with jews, judaism is not a cult, and will never be.
> 
> This is some odd cult that unfortunately has something to do with Israel and it make it sound like it's jewish.
> 
> And for the record, most orthodox jews are against the state of Israel, we don't recognize Israel as the jewish land before the messiah comes, and therfore we consider Israel being revolutionary and in power by force against god's will.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is misleading - don't you mean against Zionism? There are Orthodox Jews living in Israel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gonefishin

Lioness

Based on your first post you already know the answer to your problems.

Considering the fact that you stated you are now better off since you distance yourself from this cult. Two, this cult is abusive to children which is a crime. Why would you be involved with something like this.

I would turn this around on your husband. Be firm, if he loves you he will walk away from this cult. Let him know you are happy being around family and you will not move away. If you are firm in your decision you will quickly find out where he stands.

If he leaves, life goes on. At least you will know you will be safe.


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## Runs like Dog

roshyeshiva means NK types and some Haredim. NK in my mind IS a cult and of no consequence. Haredim are split into different factions some of whom, like the Satmars are generally anti Zionist. Many are not. And for mainstream Orthodoxy and Lubavitcher, they are almost to a man and woman firmly Zionist, and in the US mostly Republican. That is simply reality.


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## aspiegirl

I am fairly new here but wanted to chime in with one thought - that you need to follow your convictions with regard to your own involvement in this group. With or without your change in beliefs, the existence of child abuse, or any other abuse, would be a definite no in my mind to any continued support of them. 

In my view, this would come before any discussion of how you relate to your husband. It's hard for me to give advice on that since I am in a big mess with my own marriage right now.

I wish you all the best in figuring things out.


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## itgetsbetter

allisterfiend said:


> They are all cults. It does not matter if its satanism or christianity. They are all cults.


Rubbish. 

"Cult" is not defined as "anything allisterfiend doesn't believe in."

There a whole world of difference between a mainstream faith and a cult. You may think all spiritual beliefs are a lot of hogwash, and that's fine. That doesn't make your average every day believer in Islam or Hinduism or Christianity a cult follower!

Read up. Might help ya.

OP, sorry for that sidetrack. If your husband is in a cult, you must NOT allow yourself to be dragged back in order to please your husband. Your husband is in a fragile mental state right now. He needs your help. However, you can only do so much. Love him through this. Pray, pray, pray for him. Think very strongly about whether you might benefit from a cult expert. Some of them are very good at breaking away the brainwashing your husband has succumb to. I do believe there is help, but you must understand that some people will never, ever leave their cult no matter what. That is a sad possibility.

Best wishes!


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## samantha heart

u knw wat gal...i thnk we in e same situ u knw.ma hubby z in a cult goes to sm spiritual churh nd has actually banned me fwom gng ta any ada church f not his he says stay home f u dn t go to ma church en last weeek he told me start wearing skirts nd put a cove yo head..b a woman house wife.i believe i cn change him thru prayer..so cn yu...ol z posible w e olmity dear


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## Dustball

Wow, how come I stumbled upon this forum only now? I really have no good advise, as I am in the same boat, except I am a couple of steps ahead of you, my husband just left me for his cult. In my experience, as another poster said it, a cult can be like an addiction and you know that only the addict can help himself, you can force him into rehab, but unless he decides to change his future, no good will come of it.

The same goes for cults, you can give him ultimatums such as "if you really love me, you will leave the cult" but that will only push him further away because "you are against his evolution, against his love for God". I have no suggestions other than make a plan B and a plan C, if you decide to stay and wait for him to come to his senses, work out an alternative plan in case he decides to leave, what would you do with yourself? Your time, your feelings, therapy, etc, all the things you would eventually have to do, except you wouldn't have to start from square one while being in a state of shock.

I wish you the best of luck and hope your outcome is different than mine.


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## samantha heart

Dustball said:


> Wow, how come I stumbled upon this forum only now? I really have no good advise, as I am in the same boat, except I am a couple of steps ahead of you, my husband just left me for his cult. In my experience, as another poster said it, a cult can be like an addiction and you know that only the addict can help himself, you can force him into rehab, but unless he decides to change his future, no good will come of it.
> 
> The same goes for cults, you can give him ultimatums such as "if you really love me, you will leave the cult" but that will only push him further away because "you are against his evolution, against his love for God". I have no suggestions other than make a plan B and a plan C, if you decide to stay and wait for him to come to his senses, work out an alternative plan in case he decides to leave, what would you do with yourself? Your time, your feelings, therapy, etc, all the things you would eventually have to do, except you wouldn't have to start from square one while being in a state of shock.
> 
> I wish you the best of luck and hope your outcome is different than mine.


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## Nola

Hi, 

I found this link when I googled my husband was in a cult. I am in a situation where my husband does not believe in Christ anymore and is a part of this group. I visit Israel for the Passover and lived in the community with the Hebrew Israelites. I think he is going back. He has been very difficult He left us. He has a sibling in this group too. He has turned against me and stopped providing as he did before he went there in 2012. I think they were trying to hook him up with a woman there and the nicely did not want him to live. I am very sad about this. He started this new belief system in 2007. I think he wants to live there help!


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## Nola

It was my husband that visited , not me. I made an error in the last post. They did not want him to return to us. He did come back, but it has been hard as he gives me a hard time about my Christian beliefs, did not want me going to church at one point . We have kids. He left us recently. I think he is preparing to return this time with his sibling who is a part of this too. It's like he hates me now. I have prayed. I know only God can release him from his.


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## WillPrez

I think no any cult snag stand in the way of love and marriage..


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## Nola

I guess he owes not love me


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## moxy

He wants to be part of a community. You don't. Is it a deal breaker? Figure out which of you wants to compromise and go from there. If neither, then part ways. Tbh, when religious differences are at the heart of a dispute, I'd suggest splitting up because those are miserable and soul crushing fights that await you, otherwise.


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## Nola

moxy said:


> He wants to be part of a community. You don't. Is it a deal breaker? Figure out which of you wants to compromise and go from there. If neither, then part ways. Tbh, when religious differences are at the heart of a dispute, I'd suggest splitting up because those are miserable and soul crushing fights that await you, otherwise.


I never let religion divide us. He is free to worship as he pleases. I will not leave to stay in Israel and if his parents were still alive , he wouldn't either. I don't look down on him for his choices. He is bipolar and fickle minded. I do still love him. I can not control that his religious beliefs have changed. However, mines did not. He had major disappointments in his life that caused him to seek out other religious beliefs. You can't hold anyone captive; they have to do what they must to be happy. He is not a compromiser marriage or not. It is sad , but his departure may relieve me of emotional abuse. I am letting God have his way. Thanks for sharing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Po12345

Nola said:


> I never let religion divide us. He is free to worship as he pleases. I will not leave to stay in Israel and if his parents were still alive , he wouldn't either. I don't look down on him for his choices. He is bipolar and fickle minded. I do still love him. I can not control that his religious beliefs have changed. However, mines did not. He had major disappointments in his life that caused him to seek out other religious beliefs. You can't hold anyone captive; they have to do what they must to be happy. He is not a compromiser marriage or not. It is sad , but his departure may relieve me of emotional abuse. I am letting God have his way. Thanks for sharing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Whether you wish to believe religion can divide you or not, it most certainly can, and with a LOT Of other people has. 

My wife is agnostic, I'm Christian. I believe wholeheartedly that if my wife were Christian we'd be working on this marriage still instead of her giving up completely on it. 

Don't kid yourself, no amount of work on a relationship will be effective if the other person isn't willing to reciprocate, trust me, I've been there.


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## Nola

Thanks Po. I agree too. It is just me that is easy to get along with that as long as you are not forcing me into what u believe , we could work. But yes, from his e d! He has let it cause division. He did not say it , but I see it.


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## EleGirl

Are you even sure that this group and it's members will be accepted as immigrants to Israel?


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## Nola

Well, I was told by him that they did not want him to return to the U.S. when he was there for the Passover. Other than that , I don't know much about rules and all to reside in that community. The point that it is at now, I don't put anything pass him. He does have another family member involved in this with him. He may not tell me his plans. It is hurtful; when he went last year, I had no inclination he was leaving. I am just trying to move pass this. It's like he is gone already. He and the other family member r staying together for the last few weeks. They did not celebrate Christmas. He never complained about me doing so. But who knows, someone could have said, "why r u staying there with a tree and all." Who knows? I just been in prayer. Only God can assist with these types of things. It is a little embarrassing too for me. My kids miss him.


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## Decorum

I am going out on a limb here.
I knew a Christian man that I greatly, greatly respected. He coached my sons HS Basketball team. 
We were close with his whole family.
They were a black family.
I thought he was solid. He got into the Black israelites group, divorced his wife for not following him and basically abandoned his family.

They have a radical obedience approach.

It shook me to my core. The last time I saw him he had a darkness about him that was palpable. The whole situation is still very sad. Their particular belief was that they (Africans) we the true Jews.

No offense to any faiths involved!

It had such a power over him, it was all wraped up in his identity and self esteem, I believe this is the root of power behind some of these changes.

Breaking marriages, deserting children, it really opened my eyes.

I'm sorry to the OP or anyone hurt by somthing like this, I hope someone finds my post helpful.

Take care!


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## Nola

this was very helpful. Thanks. QUOTE=Decorum;1372339]I am going out on a limb here.
I knew a Christian man that I greatly, greatly respected. He coached my sons HS Basketball team. 
We were close with his whole family.
They were a black family.
I thought he was solid. He got into the Black israelites group, divorced his wife for not following him and basically abandoned his family.

They have a radical obedience approach.

It shook me to my core. The last time I saw him he had a darkness about him that was palpable. The whole situation is still very sad. Their particular belief was that they (Africans) we the true Jews.

No offense to any faiths involved!

It had such a power over him, it was all wraped up in his identity and self esteem, I believe this is the root of power behind some of these changes.

Breaking marriages, deserting children, it really opened my eyes.

I'm sorry to the OP or anyone hurt by somthing like this, I hope someone finds my post helpful.

Take care![/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## QuietSoul

Hi N.

I have been in a cult before. I want you to know there is help available to you.

cult psychology is a unique area of psychology that counsellors rarely understand, which is why it is best to consult a specialist. There are a few experts who do interventions and counsel not only the victim bit also the family. Check out Rick Ross (Rick Ross Institute) or Steven Hassan (Freedom of Mind) to start with. There are also some great support networks around for loved ones of cult members. Google ICSA, CIFS, or ReFocus. You will find lots more too. Please consider making a call to one of these places. 

I am a Christian and God and prayer can totally help, but it can be hard for a person to discern God correctly when they are under mind control.

Also, feel free to inbox me or ask questions 

All the best
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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