# Controlling wife



## johnboy63 (May 2, 2011)

I was married over a year ago. She's 30 and I'm 41. It was a bit rushed because her visa was about to expire and I asked her to stay. She's from the Philippines. I'm also Filipino but grew up in California. So I proposed after only a quick 6 week romance. Now things are going bad. She demanded I stop contact with all my childhood friends. She has blocked friends from my facebook. She refuses to let me get any new tattoos which I already was heavily tattooed when we met. She goes through my cell phone and facebook daily. She basically has my nuts in her makeup bag. Last night she was using my old laptop and saw an old pic of me and a friend and she just blew up! Is this more than enough to consider a divorce? Other than these bad things, she does have some good qualities. She cooks, cleans, works, going to school and has dreams of us having children and buying a house. When we're not fighting, she can be affectionate but her temper and control issues are very easily triggered. I need some advice on what to do. I think I want a divorce but also don't want to be alone again at my age...


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## Annette Tush (May 4, 2016)

Personally,I can't put up with a controlling partner. However, I see that you are giving up easily and quickly without trying very hard. Have you discussed your feelings and fears with her? What does she say. If she doesn't get it from you, then you could see a counselor, and see if she is willing to take steps to change. However, the way you have described her, it seems that she has a history that will prevent her from overcoming it fully, even with help. But marriage is about compromise, so it is only you who knows how far you can get with this character.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

johnboy63 said:


> I was married over a year ago. She's 30 and I'm 41. It was a bit rushed because her visa was about to expire and I asked her to stay. She's from the Philippines. I'm also Filipino but grew up in California. So I proposed after only a quick 6 week romance. Now things are going bad. She demanded I stop contact with all my childhood friends. She has blocked friends from my facebook. She refuses to let me get any new tattoos which I already was heavily tattooed when we met. She goes through my cell phone and facebook daily. She basically has my nuts in her makeup bag. Last night she was using my old laptop and saw an old pic of me and a friend and she just blew up! Is this more than enough to consider a divorce? Other than these bad things, she does have some good qualities. She cooks, cleans, works, going to school and has dreams of us having children and buying a house. When we're not fighting, she can be affectionate but her temper and control issues are very easily triggered. I need some advice on what to do. I think I want a divorce but also don't want to be alone again at my age...


If you want someone who cooks, cleans, etc, get a maid, you don't have to marry her.

You have to set the boundaries now and tell her what is what. Tell her

1. No more dictating what you can have on FB
2. no more dictating about anything
3. she has to control her temper and leave the past in the past otherwise you will send her back to the Phillipines with divorce papers - her choice
4. BTW why did you go to the Phillipines to get a wife? Couldn't you have got one in the USA?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I think you need to confront her about her behavior, and make it clear in no uncertain terms that is is UNACCEPTABLE, and if she continues to treat you in such a manner, you are prepared to file for divorce. You are her husband, not her property. She can only control you if you allow her to, and right now you are letting her control you.

I would insist that she go to marriage counseling with you, and I think you both need individual counseling. Her for anger management, and you to learn how to stand up for yourself.

If she refuses to recognize the damage that she is doing to you and your marriage, and refuses to make permanent changes, yes, this absolutely is grounds for divorce.

Life is too short to be miserable for the rest of your life, spent with someone who treats you like this. And there's nothing wrong with being "alone again" at your age. There are plenty of great single women out there who are looking for a partner. But if you do divorce and find yourself alone again, don't rush into anything--make sure you do the work on YOU before you get involved with a new partner.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> Last night she was using my old laptop and saw an old pic of me and a friend and she just blew up! Is this more than enough to consider a divorce?


Constant interrogation of your actions will wear you down over time. So, yes, it's a good enough reason to divorce someone.

I would have thought that CA is one the easier states in which to do it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Both maids and prostitutes cost less than a controlling and abusive wife.

Life is too short for that.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

The only reason she can control you is because you are letting her. Take your control back and then see if you like who she is and want to stay married to her.


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## johnboy63 (May 2, 2011)

Thanks everyone for the input. I realize I need to stand up for myself and get back control of my own life. I've already told her I want her to stop controlling my every movement and her response is to divorce her. So I guess that's the best option. I thought marrying an educated woman from my motherland was what I needed. What I really need is to get myself together and be alone for a while. I should have known better than to trust someone who aspires to be a lawyer and politician! I'm way too laid back for someone like her! If she doesn't change her attitude soon, divorce is definitely what will happen. Just on a side note, here's some of her demands from me:

I can't have anything to do with any friends from my past. 

We only hang out with her friends. 

I can't wear tank tops in public because I have arm tattoos. 

I can't get any more tattoos, ever!

She needs to check my phone daily. 

I can't talk to my niece because she doesn't like her. (She like a daughter to me)

I have to wear my wedding ring but she doesn't. 

I can't buy anything for myself without her approval. 

There's more but that's enough...

I just hope I have any friends left after this whole ordeal!


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

johnboy63 said:


> Thanks everyone for the input. I realize I need to stand up for myself and get back control of my own life. I've already told her I want her to stop controlling my every movement and her response is to divorce her. So I guess that's the best option. I thought marrying an educated woman from my motherland was what I needed. What I really need is to get myself together and be alone for a while. I should have known better than to trust someone who aspires to be a lawyer and politician! I'm way too laid back for someone like her! If she doesn't change her attitude soon, divorce is definitely what will happen. Just on a side note, here's some of her demands from me:
> 
> I can't have anything to do with any friends from my past.
> 
> ...


Get out now or be a sorry husband that she cheats on . Stand up for yourself or be walked on and kicked and spat on.


Sorry but thats all I got.


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## sissyphus (Feb 1, 2012)

You've only been married a year, and she turns into a control freak? what would her status be, if you divorced her, since she was here on a visa? would she have to go back to the Philippines? If that's the case, be careful. she might play with your emotions so that she can remain here. It's kinda strange that you would seek a woman from a foreign country to marry, since you are an American, unless you were misguided about something or just wanted to marry a Filippina.


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## johnboy63 (May 2, 2011)

sissyphus said:


> You've only been married a year, and she turns into a control freak? what would her status be, if you divorced her, since she was here on a visa? would she have to go back to the Philippines? If that's the case, be careful. she might play with your emotions so that she can remain here. It's kinda strange that you would seek a woman from a foreign country to marry, since you are an American, unless you were misguided about something or just wanted to marry a Filippina.


Well to be honest, it was definitely a rebound after my ex cheated. It's was basically an arranged marriage approved and encouraged by my parents. If I filed for divorce now, she would lose her temporary alien status and would need to go back to the Philippines. I know that this wasn't just a ploy to get a green card. She already had a 10 year visitors visa and a law degree in the Philippines. She doesn't really want a divorce because we have good chemistry otherwise. I just can't continue to let her have total control over my every move. I really feel I've lost myself trying to make her happy.


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## johnboy63 (May 2, 2011)

Annette Tush said:


> Personally,I can't put up with a controlling partner. However, I see that you are giving up easily and quickly without trying very hard. Have you discussed your feelings and fears with her? What does she say. If she doesn't get it from you, then you could see a counselor, and see if she is willing to take steps to change. However, the way you have described her, it seems that she has a history that will prevent her from overcoming it fully, even with help. But marriage is about compromise, so it is only you who knows how far you can get with this character.


I've tried talking to her but she refuses to compromise. It's either her way or the highway. I'm getting really close to take that off ramp to the highway for sure! If only she would cut me some slack, we would probably be happy. But her controlling, distrust, and jealousy is just way out of hand!


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

johnboy63 said:


> Her temper and control issues are very easily triggered. I need some advice on what to do.


Johnboy, it sounds like your W may have a serious emotional issue. Because I've never met her, there is no way for me to know what that issue is. I therefore will limit my comments to describing some warning signs you may want to look out for.

Specifically, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational jealousy, paranoia, temper tantrums, verbal abuse, controlling attitude, inability to trust, and trying to isolate you away from all your friends -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your W has full-blown BPD (only a professional can determine that). Rather, I'm suggesting that she might exhibit strong traits of it.

I therefore suggest that you take a quick look at my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_ to see if most of those signs sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Johnboy.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I know this women, this Leopard.

Nice sleek form.

Claws and no ring.

No ring, no small thing. 

Oh? She barks back, "Obey or it's Divorce"?

So sure she is, as others she courts.

Others, she grooms. As she did with you as the last...Groom.

She is signaling free, "No rings for me!"

And her obedient Teals, all lined up against thee.

Three steps, no, now four..her feet soon to the door.

Your wife, this Cat, is soon to be free.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

johnboy63 said:


> I was married over a year ago. She's 30 and I'm 41. It was a bit rushed because her visa was about to expire and I asked her to stay. She's from the Philippines. I'm also Filipino but grew up in California. So I proposed after only a quick 6 week romance. Now things are going bad. She demanded I stop contact with all my childhood friends. She has blocked friends from my facebook. She refuses to let me get any new tattoos which I already was heavily tattooed when we met. She goes through my cell phone and facebook daily. She basically has my nuts in her makeup bag. Last night she was using my old laptop and saw an old pic of me and a friend and she just blew up! Is this more than enough to consider a divorce? Other than these bad things, she does have some good qualities. She cooks, cleans, works, going to school and has dreams of us having children and buying a house. When we're not fighting, she can be affectionate but her temper and control issues are very easily triggered. I need some advice on what to do. I think I want a divorce but also don't want to be alone again at my age...


So, you got yourself a nice live-in housekeeper who does all the work, brings home a paycheck AND is furthering her education. Sounds as though in time, she won't need YOU. :rofl:

Divorce her NOW *before* you're foolish enough to start having kids with her.


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

Uptown said:


> Johnboy, it sounds like your W may have a serious emotional issue. Because I've never met her, there is no way for me to know what that issue is. I therefore will limit my comments to describing some warning signs you may want to look out for.
> 
> Specifically, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational jealousy, paranoia, temper tantrums, verbal abuse, controlling attitude, inability to trust, and trying to isolate you away from all your friends -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your W has full-blown BPD (only a professional can determine that). Rather, I'm suggesting that she might exhibit strong traits of it.
> 
> I therefore suggest that you take a quick look at my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_ to see if most of those signs sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Johnboy.


Yes, it sets off my BPD radar too.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

johnboy63 said:


> Thanks everyone for the input. I realize I need to stand up for myself and get back control of my own life. I've already told her I want her to stop controlling my every movement and her response is to divorce her. So I guess that's the best option. I thought marrying an educated woman from my motherland was what I needed. What I really need is to get myself together and be alone for a while. I should have known better than to trust someone who aspires to be a lawyer and politician! I'm way too laid back for someone like her! If she doesn't change her attitude soon, divorce is definitely what will happen. Just on a side note, here's some of her demands from me:
> 
> I can't have anything to do with any friends from my past.
> 
> ...


So she's controlling, and completely dismissive of what you want and need in the relationship. You need to GET OUT NOW. This will only get worse. You do not deserve this. There are plenty of educated, beautiful, fun women in the world who will treat you WAY better than this. Being alone is way better than this!

You put down your boundaries, and she is calling your bluff. She doesn't think you're man enough to divorce her. So she also totally disrespects you.

**** her and do what you want. And file for divorce ASAP.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

FeministInPink said:


> So she's controlling, and completely dismissive of what you want and need in the relationship. You need to GET OUT NOW. This will only get worse. You do not deserve this. There are plenty of educated, beautiful, fun women in the world who will treat you WAY better than this. Being alone is way better than this!
> 
> You put down your boundaries, and she is calling your bluff. She doesn't think you're man enough to divorce her. So she also totally disrespects you.
> 
> ***** *her and do what you want. And file for divorce ASAP.


YES!!

I like all that you have written except the **bolded ASS-TRICKS that I have *bold*ly uncovered.... in this little broads daylight soap opera.
**Futuo

Those five letters are her Power and Glory Forever! It points to the how and the way men are subjugated.
Men are savages. Women? Lion tamers. Lying tamers. Not you FIP, you are special.

OP's, Philippineo Barristeress, is a Power Luncher, a Man Eater. She chews them up.
It is not her teeth that bring men to their knees.
Nay, and I dare not say anymore...
....................................................................................................................................................
There, I have let loose another **word in RQ's lexicon, a TRILL that Red Queen will punish me for.

She is in for a surprise, that women, uh, Major Goddess.

I am polishing my Bow as I speak. And now it is arrows that I seek. 

Ones made from footed Norwegian Pine... originally grown from pine cones taken from the high altitude Elysian Forest.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

FeministInPink said:


> So she's controlling, and completely dismissive of what you want and need in the relationship. You need to GET OUT NOW. This will only get worse. You do not deserve this. There are plenty of educated, beautiful, fun women in the world who will treat you WAY better than this. Being alone is way better than this!
> 
> You put down your boundaries, and she is calling your bluff. She doesn't think you're man enough to divorce her. So she also totally disrespects you.
> 
> **** her and do what you want. And file for divorce ASAP.


OMG, why wait, file for divorce now. Maybe she is hoping to get a slice of your net assets? Go see a lawyer to ensure she cannot dig her claws in. Does she already have a green card or will she have to go back home, make sure she does and she is not using you to stay in the country.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

johnboy63 said:


> I was married over a year ago. She's 30 and I'm 41. It was a bit rushed because her visa was about to expire and I asked her to stay. She's from the Philippines. I'm also Filipino but grew up in California. So I proposed after only a quick 6 week romance. Now things are going bad. She demanded I stop contact with all my childhood friends. She has blocked friends from my facebook. She refuses to let me get any new tattoos which I already was heavily tattooed when we met. She goes through my cell phone and facebook daily. She basically has my nuts in her makeup bag. Last night she was using my old laptop and saw an old pic of me and a friend and she just blew up! Is this more than enough to consider a divorce? Other than these bad things, she does have some good qualities. She cooks, cleans, works, going to school and has dreams of us having children and buying a house. When we're not fighting, she can be affectionate but her temper and control issues are very easily triggered. I need some advice on what to do. I think I want a divorce but also don't want to be alone again at my age...


*Personally, would life be better living alone, or with someone who has her caustic demeanor? One thing is for certain: It will only get worse over the due course of time!

Dating, my friend, is strictly trial and error! Your desperation for companionship seemed to have superseded that by duly rushing her to the alter!

Now it's up to you to undo all of the resultant damage ~ Divorce!

And then try and be more careful the next time!*


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

johnboy63 said:


> ] I just can't continue to let her have total control over my every move. I really feel I've lost myself trying to make her happy.


Take it from someone who lost himself and his dreams trying to make controlling women happy. You can't. No matter what you do, they will always regain the upper hand, as long as you try to be "fair" to them.

Although I should have taken my own advice years ago, this is it. Tell her ONCE to stop it. Now, and forever. If it doesn't stop, send her packing.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

John,

It sounds like you didn't know your W very much before you married her, did you know anything about her family?

Was she cheated on in prior relationships?

From the other perspective Cheaters hate being cheated on.

Tamat


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