# My husband is content with our sex life..



## kindness (Dec 7, 2009)

He is a fine man, I love him, but sexually speaking he is so comfortable and routine. I have spoken up about this several times, even going as far as to order toys and to suggest different things that really turn me on. He always says, "yeah sure", but when it comes right down to it, such things do not interest him. He never brings it up again, and on the rare occasion when we have tried things, he is soooo intimidated and uneasy. It's a turn off, and he's not hot for it, so why bother? He told me the other night, "this is just the way I am"...so I guess he's saying he's not into making a change, lol!

I feel insulted/rejected/unappreciated!!

...bored and irritated...He is fine with the same old, same old.

our relationship is good in many other areas, but sexually/emotionally he just really lacks passion and adventure.

I'm a very sexual person, but just getting off is not what I'm into. Sex to me is imagination and creativity.

Any suggestions or advice? How do you handle this?

Kindness :scratchhead:


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## kindness (Dec 7, 2009)

he is insecure or intimidated I guess is more like it. Very vanilla too, we are so different! But yes, it is a downward spiral, and I need to keep aware that this is just how he is. 

I guess I'm unhappy with the level of interest, if that makes any sense. He could take it or leave it, and that isn't very appealing to me. He does like sex though, even if I wouldn't classify it as "passionate"

Ho hum...thank you Star!

K


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

kindness said:


> He is a fine man, I love him, but sexually speaking he is so comfortable and routine. I have spoken up about this several times, even going as far as to order toys and to suggest different things that really turn me on. He always says, "yeah sure", but when it comes right down to it, such things do not interest him. He never brings it up again, and on the rare occasion when we have tried things, he is soooo intimidated and uneasy. It's a turn off, and he's not hot for it, so why bother? He told me the other night, "this is just the way I am"...so I guess he's saying he's not into making a change, lol!
> 
> I feel insulted/rejected/unappreciated!!
> 
> ...


Again I wish every man and woman on these boards to see this post and understand this plain truth!

A woman will find a dominant man irresistible, and she will resent a weak man.

A man strives to dominate, and a woman strives to be dominated. If the man is not dominate, he will not feel like a man emotionally and will resent the wife and build the emotional cutoff, and if the woman is not dominated she will feeling insecure and not desired and will resent the man.

The fact, it is your husbands responsibility to take ownership of the sexual and emotional health of the marriage. 

It is in these situations that the man is mostly intimidated by the woman, and this is from the woman either taking charge instead of the man or sometimes religious or social taboos or something.

For starters maybe to try the husband spanking the woman on the bare bottom when she is sassy or otherwise "out of the line", and the goal is for the man to see in himself how it feels to dominate his woman and to see wit his own eyes how his woman will respond so intensely emotionally and sexually, it will be very educational for him and even his primal emotions to awaken the tiger inside! 

It is the man's responsibility to be dominant in the sexual relationship, as it is not a boy or a weak man or a "nice guy" a woman will find sexually attractive, but the dominant man that will light in her the fire of desire!

I wish you well.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Well, you know him. He sounds a bit bored (you're a sure thing) as well as a bit intimidated by new stuff. 

Most marriages go through this (= at least one of the partners stops having so much interest). Go back to step 1...when you were satisfied by sex with him. How were you different ...generally as attitude? What changed since then?In bed or out. This obviously works if you did have a more satisfying sex life. If he was always like this, you expecting him to change isn't going anywhere probably. 

Also...'suggest different things that really turn me on'....which means that what you try may not necesarily turn HIM on. Almost all people have fantesies and wants...did you try figuring out what his are? If he had some and you'd do them, he'd be more excited and give more and willing to experiment more. Just an idea.


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## kindness (Dec 7, 2009)

Thanks guys..

Well dominance would be awesome, and YES it is very very sexy. It would pretty much stop outside of the bedroom for me though, lol. I'm a sassy one, and I would love for him to tolerate it a little bit less. I think we could grow psychologically AND sexually if we could turn it into a game. I think power is sexy.

You asked good questions, Nekko! He has issues expressing his desires..we tried in therapy last year. Meanwhile, I'm overflowing with ideas...Upon reflection, I was thinking that "he would change" once we got together and experienced how open I am.

*sigh* nope! BUT there are much worse things in life, and he is working on it 

K


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Do to him what you want him to do to you. Without warning pin him against the wall and do the dominant stuff. And take it to the natural conclusion. When you finish tell him - that was the demo - now that you have seen how it is done you need to do it to me that way. No warning, no mercy, no sign of weakness on your part. And I may resist - and you better overpower me. In fact my advice is everything you want him to do - you do it to him first and then you tell him he needs to step up and do it to you. 

Have a safe word - or not. We don't - most people do. 


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
My wife is sassy too and strong willed. Most of the time I go with the flow very nicely and make sure we both have fun doing whatever it was she suggested we do. 

But every once in a while she finds herself pinned against the wall me holding her wrists my body pressed against hers. And she hears me say some variant of: "You are being over the top difficult - and tonight I you are going to be punished - in the meantime walk softly. If you want me to release you - simply repeat after me":
I will try not to be so difficult remainder of the day. 

Sometimes she ups the ante says "no I won't" with this very cute defiant expression. And then I scoop her up carry her in the bedroom toss her on the bed - by now she is saying - what are you doing - the kids are around. I get on top of her and say something obnoxious like - well they have to find out where they came from eventually. And I don't stop until she says the variant of "uncle" I am demanding. 

And that night I do punish her for being an insolent wench. Hell somebody has to. 




kindness said:


> Thanks guys..
> 
> Well dominance would be awesome, and YES it is very very sexy. It would pretty much stop outside of the bedroom for me though, lol. I'm a sassy one, and I would love for him to tolerate it a little bit less. I think we could grow psychologically AND sexually if we could turn it into a game. I think power is sexy.
> 
> ...


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> Do to him what you want him to do to you. Without warning pin him against the wall and do the dominant stuff. And take it to the natural conclusion. When you finish tell him - that was the demo - now that you have seen how it is done you need to do it to me that way. No warning, no mercy, no sign of weakness on your part. And I may resist - and you better overpower me. In fact my advice is everything you want him to do - you do it to him first and then you tell him he needs to step up and do it to you.
> 
> Have a safe word - or not. We don't - most people do.
> 
> ...


:iagree: This is gold.


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> No warning, no mercy, no sign of weakness on your part. And I may resist - and you better overpower me.


I know what you are saying, but it is no longer possible. It is illegal. To the modern conception, it is also immoral.

Legally, a man may only initiate a sexual advance in a very timid way. Any sign of resistance, and legally the man must back off.

Legally, in all 50 states, sex in marriage is governed by the same exact laws as the first sexual encounter with a person you do not know.

No means no. End of story. Agree, disagree, that is the law of the land. The Office on Violence Against Women has a very clear mandate with regards to dating violence that does not leave room for interpretation. Any verbal or non-verbal "no" is absolute. Even the absence of "yes" must be interpreted as "no".

Legally, the wife has to agree to each step of the intimacy process.

Its a brave new world.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

AlexNY said:


> I know what you are saying, but it is no longer possible. It is illegal. To the modern conception, it is also immoral.
> 
> Legally, a man may only initiate a sexual advance in a very timid way. Any sign of resistance, and legally the man must back off.
> 
> ...


Thankfully somebody forgot to tell many women and men of this brave new world.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I find the whole obsession with dominance and submission a bit silly.

Much prefer openness and interest over manipulation.


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

BigBadWolf said:


> Thankfully somebody forgot to tell many women and men of this brave new world.


Until someone forgets to tell the court system, you still get 20 to life. "My wife would never do that to me" is hogwash in a forum dominated by relationships in trouble.


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

By the way, if you think that these laws do not have any practical effect, think again.

Most men learn at a very early age that any kind of assertive or aggressive behaviour with women can lead to draconian punishment. It is like a civilization gone mad. People pay attention, and change their behaviour accordingly.

Funny to see women complaining of sexual dissatisfaction. I would never consider touching any woman in a sexual way without asking permission first. Its just the way things are.


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## kindness (Dec 7, 2009)

ummm, calm down people!

I just want some passion and assertiveness, that's really it!

He's wishy washy and passive. IT SUCKS.

K


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

BigBadWolf said:


> Thankfully somebody forgot to tell many women and men of this brave new world.


Even if they were told, I doubt many of them would care . 



> "My wife would never do that to me" is hogwash in a forum dominated by relationships in trouble.


This is about knowing eachother well enough to play like that...you get your permission every step of the way by knowing your mate...by what her eyes are telling you...by her behaviour. If she's frisky, her eyes are glowy and she seems arroused when she sais no it's obvious for any husband that knows his wife that it's playtime and she doesn't really mean NO.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Nekko said:


> Even if they were told, I doubt many of them would care .
> 
> 
> 
> This is about knowing eachother well enough to play like that...you get your permission every step of the way by knowing your mate...by what her eyes are telling you...by her behaviour. If she's frisky, her eyes are glowy and she seems arroused when she sais no it's obvious for any husband that knows his wife that it's playtime and she doesn't really mean NO.


This is exactly it, despite my ownership and responsibiltiy of the sexual aspects of my marriage, there is nothing nonconsentual about it. For it to be something so cold and businesslike as was discussed above, that is clearly not sexual attractive whatsover.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Alex,
That is why people have a safe word. It really does make this more civilized - in that there is always a way to stop immediately. And it removes the legal risk from you. 

If you think your wife would ever take advantage of a situation where she could legally harm you, your marriage is in a scary state. 

As for the person said they prefer directness etc. I do plenty of that. I think she missed the point. My wife acts naughty to trigger this behavior. She knows exactly what she is doing. My normal disposition is kind and gentle, she just dislikes a steady diet of THAT and wants some of THIS. 







AlexNY said:


> By the way, if you think that these laws do not have any practical effect, think again.
> 
> Most men learn at a very early age that any kind of assertive or aggressive behaviour with women can lead to draconian punishment. It is like a civilization gone mad. People pay attention, and change their behaviour accordingly.
> 
> Funny to see women complaining of sexual dissatisfaction. I would never consider touching any woman in a sexual way without asking permission first. Its just the way things are.


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