# Can't Take It Anymore



## miles (Jul 5, 2008)

My wife and I are both 39 and we've been together for 9 years. She has a drinking problem that just keeps getting worse, and she's a mean drunk. It seems like all she wants to do is party, and I can't take it anymore. I just wrote her this email, that I'm getting ready to send:

_Please, I need you to read this email, and think about it long and hard before we talk about it and before you answer me. I need you to search your feelings as hard as you can, think about these questions, and make sure you aren't fooling yourself (and me).

Do you really love me and want to be with me, or am I just a convenience for you? Am I just a way for you to get your basic necessities taken care of so you can do whatever you want, or do you really want to be my wife? Has it become too easy for us to say "I love you" without really meaning it?

I guess a more general question: Do you really want to be married? It seems like you would rather be living the single life. If you would rather be single, that's fine. It'll hurt, but if that's the case, we both need to start moving on with our lives.

I'm not trying to be mean or ****ty or anything, I don't think I have any of that left in me; I'm worn out. I really need to know honestly where you stand.

Like I said, please think long and hard about these questions. I need you to be honest with yourself, and me.
_

I can give some more details if anyone would like. For now, let me know what you think of my email, and if I should send it. As I write this, she's been out all night, and I haven't heard from her in almost 12 hours. She's not answering her cell phone, and I have no idea what's going on.

Thanks,
Miles


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Do you two have kids?

draconis


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## blackeyedsusan37 (Jul 6, 2008)

Miles,
Up until June 7, 2008, I drank ALOT. I was a mean & nasty, spiteful & vinictive drunk. We blamed it on what I was drinking; beer vs liqour, shots vs mixed drinks. 
Then my husband left me. Best thing he ever did for himself, me and us. I begged him to come home. I pleaded, I tried to wheel & deal. He refused and stayed away. My heart hurt. My head hurt. I lost 14 pounds in 7 days, my kids & parents were worried.
I STOPPED DRINKING.
It was the hardest thing George said he has ever done, to walk out on me. So, my not drinking anymore was going to be the hardest thing I was ever going to do. It wasnt. It was awesome. I put myself, my kids, my husband before the booze and it was/good. 
I cant swear that I will never drink again in my life but I can promise that I will not drink today.He has been home for 2 weeks and we are taking it slow. and I mean S L O W
Your wife can do it and she will be a better woman for it when she does. But, it has to be her decision. You can use tough love, it worked for me.
God bless you.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

blackeyedsusan37 said:


> Miles,
> Up until June 7, 2008, I drank ALOT. I was a mean & nasty, spiteful & vinictive drunk. We blamed it on what I was drinking; beer vs liqour, shots vs mixed drinks.
> Then my husband left me. Best thing he ever did for himself, me and us. I begged him to come home. I pleaded, I tried to wheel & deal. He refused and stayed away. My heart hurt. My head hurt. I lost 14 pounds in 7 days, my kids & parents were worried.
> I STOPPED DRINKING.
> ...


Always take it one day at a time. I learned that from my father-in-law and all the times my wife and I went with him to AA. It is a humble experience and a long road to follow but well worth it.

draconis


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## InDeep (Jul 7, 2008)

I feel for you. This sucks. I've written a similar note and it immediately made things far worse - but of course you have to go to those uncomfortable, nasty places to muck out what's truly wrong.

If I could offer a suggestion for your note? It's all about HER. Questioning her, putting choices in her mouth, and demanding things of her. I understand that you DO need to know where she's coming from, but your note might just put her on the defensive. She may react defensively, aggressively, or even be shell-shocked, if she's completely unaware of your feelings. I would!

So, it's okay to ask her what she gets out of the relationship, what her commitment is to you, and what she's willing to do to make things better. Even what she's willing to do to help you tear down the defenses you've recently built up because of this. But I think you might be better served to clearly describe what YOU value in your relationship, how you feel about her present activities, how you interpret her actions, and what you are willing to do (if anything) to make things better, first. Then ask her to respond to your observations and feelings.

Man, I don't know if this will work. I hope you get the best and brightest outcome.


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