# My husband wants me to



## Secret (May 4, 2010)

My husband wants me to sleep with another man. I have been married to my husband for twenty years. We have had a very good sex life, especially in recent years. We have progressed into what some might say is kinky activities. Role playing, watching porn together, sex toys, but we have never, ever stepped outside our marriage. Lately, DH has confessed to me that he wants me to sleep with another man. He said that it would turn him on even if he wasn't there and I just told him about. He tells me that he loves me and seems frantic that I am so upset by this.

I feel betrayed and very upset. I feel that I should never have begun some of the crazier things in our marriage and that it has led to this. I feel sick at the thought that this is not the man I married. I feel sad that he would like to share me with someone else. I have always felt treasured by him and valued. 

This is very upsetting to me and I am barely thinking straight. I would love some opinions on this.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

This is a very common fantasy. Some make it reality -eventually- most don't. It does not mean he does not treasure you. I love the idea of my wife being turned on by other men.

So we can see from this that men divide into two groups. Men who get jealous, and men who don't. By definition, to want to share you, he does not sound like the jealous type. Jealousy is a killer in many situations, many a life has been ruined by it's alternation between slow smouldering and fast burning.

So not being jealous is basically a good thing. However, the flip side is that a woman feels more "wanted" if her man is jealous. However, the same woman will feel stifled by an overly jealous type. Take your pick.


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## momof6girls (Jan 11, 2010)

if anything like my marriage... don't do it. you are not comfortable by it and really don't take the wanting to share personal but.... this may be a sign he wants to try a women and thinks this will open the door or maybe he truely wants to step out of the box and maybe see if he is enough for you.

all in all you have tried different things and marriage is about talking and exploring. Since your not comfortable with it let him know you don't want to be with another man (maybe that is what he wanted to hear ?) let him know you will (if you want) explore things for the two of you but this is not one of them...again don't take it harsh for a request is ok as long as when you turn it down he is ok with it.

after so many great years of marriage (you seem to paint it that way) then trying other things this may be one step in his mind.... again breath and let him know your reasons your not into being with another man and move past it.


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## Keely (Apr 25, 2010)

Your husband is being honest in sharing his fantasies of you having sex with another man. If you have read some of the thousands of cuckold stories on the internet, you will realise that your husband is not really "abnormal".

Some men love their wives so much that they crave to give them a special reward for being such a wonderful wife for so many years.

A loving H can sometimes feel that the best reward could be to let his wife flirt with other men - and he usually takes his "consenting wife" out and buys her lots of sexy clothes so she can feel and look her best when she goes out on dates.

It is usually several months before a wife finally decides that she would like to try a night out with another man. She does not rush into it when her husband first suggests it. But it can grow on her as the weeks go by, and the shock of what her H has proposed wears off.


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## misschick (May 4, 2010)

Im sorry that you feel so hurt and upset by this. I can completely understand how you feel. Sex, ideally, is something special shared between two people to express love and what your husband is asking you to do is going against this principle.

I would recommend if you dont feel comfortable with this- Dont do it. Dont feel pressured and trust your instinct. Sometimes when you open the door to something it is very hard to close. And I think that if you are pushing the boundaries of marriage to include other people, then what applies to you will also be ok for him. 

And if you try this, whats next? Sex is fun and I think its great to experiment and be kinky.... but it is supposed to be an expression of the bond you have together and the intimacy you share. You have to draw a line somewhere for the sake of the love and for the sake of your marriage.


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## Secret (May 4, 2010)

Thanks for all the responses. I really appreciate as I have felt so desperate to hear from someone.

I am not going to do it. Right now, I feel like I never want to have sex again. This is definitely a line that I am drawing. I just feel sad that H isn't drawing it at the same place. I feel disconnected to him.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

I cant really comment on this too much, but Ill try. I feel similarly to MarkTwain in that there are 2 schools of men... jealous and not. Since you have had such a wonderful marriage to this point and know that he loves you, keep believing that and try not to take this as a sign he doesnt love you. My first husband loved me enough to have an open marriage, even though neither of us acted on it, or at least I didnt, but I also wasnt concerned if he did... I wanted him to be happy and if that made him happy, great.

I think its alot of pressure on a marriage to assume that one and only for life is always enough. For some it is, for others it isnt. You feel shocked that your husband isnt a one and only man anymore. Take some time to think it through and maybe believe that it is a true gift for a spouse to love and trust enough to allow something like that. My new spouse is very jealous (even though he states I am the jealous one.... he doesnt know at all). I feel trapped my his mentality... my last husband was not jealous and I never had a thought of cheating... this possessive one, I do.

It may be hard to grasp, and I also wouldnt jump to the conclusion that he is trying to open up the door of "I let you, now you have to let me..." ask him if its simply a fantasy of his or if he wants to have an open marriage, then you will have your answer. You cannot go into this or not go into this without that knowledge as you will be more conflicted. If its truly just a fantasy of his and you cannot do it, then role play it a bit within the marriage. Maybe set up an IM chat with your husband and merely just describe an encounter, a fictional one, with another man and indulge his fantasy a bit... he may get off on just hearing about it. FInd a romance novel if you cant creatively type about one and type in the first person an encounter in one of those books, pretending its you. See how it goes, as it sounds like he would love to hear about that. I mean you didnt state that he wanted to watch you, so he doesnt have to know that you never did!

My current husband got aroused just talking about a threesome, saying it was really cool I brought it up. I thought that meant he really wanted us to. I registered on Adult Friend Finder to find someone and then asked him who he wanted me to look for and he even said "you know my type..." Then, I got nervous and told him I couldnt do it, I was having trouble finding someone, and he said he didnt want to either, he just thought it was cool we were talking about it. I was in tears bc I was so nervous, but it was all just the talk he liked.

Anway, I hope that helps.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Just read your follow up... please dont punish him for expressing this to you... it will ruin what you have described as a wonderful marriage. COnsider the last part of my previous reply to you before writing it off... so that you can indulge him without leaving the marriage bond sexually.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

just be firmly honest with him and tell him NO, and then ask that he never bring it up again, the end


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## Secret (May 4, 2010)

Good ideas here. I certainly don't want to punish him for bringing it up. I always want to hear about his fantasies. I just feel heartsick, but it has only been a few days. I am sure I will feel differently soon. 

I realize that this is a common fantasy, but it is not one that I understand at all. I have no desire at all to see my H with another one. I SO do not!


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I'll admit I don't get it either.

I tend to be the jealous type. 

But most fantasies just end there. . .just talk. And they probably SHOULD end there.

But you bring up an interesting theory and I wonder if it's one the forum, who tends to be oversexed and undersexed yahoos. . .how healthy is it to continually explore fantasies and something "different" all of the time?

When does the slope become slippery and then you end up, as in your case, with TMI?

You regret going to all these different places now with your husband and then your sex life, in one fell swoop, became "over-kinked." Maybe it's time to just go back to intimacy and love vs. "the kink."

I tend to think of sex like a diet - the "kink" should be like the bag of Ho-ho's you have once or twice a week. The intimate part of sex shoud be your marinaded, grilled fish and salad with balsamic vinagrette. Morning sex should be like oatmeal - kinda boring but it makes you feel good the rest of the day.

The whipped cream? Well, that's on Saturday nights


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## Secret (May 4, 2010)

You are a wise one - I bet you have been married a long time. My H said to me once, "The more we do it, the more I want it". Well, now, I am know I am good, but am I that good? Probably not. It is addictive, eh? over kinked is a fantastic word


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Not as wise as you think - I am divorcing. Married for 15 years.

With that does come some wisdom and learning. I read a book the other day - "Divorce and New Beginnings". In it it tells me that I have to drop the anger and truly get at the grief that is hidden and finally, to thank your ex-wife for all the non-material gifts she gave me in marriage, that all relationships enrich you in some way.

It's so painful to think about. . .I must admit I am blocking it for a month.

Anyway, I am in a people profession - a chiropractor. Someone wise once wrote - "Life is a show and doctors have a front seat to the show."

I feel ER docs and family docs actually have the front seats but the view isn't bad from where I practice - 5 or 10 rows back. You get to learn a lot and see people at their worst and best - cranky and thankful.

Anyway, my orders are to change your sex diet to something a little more nutritious. You got sick on all the ho-ho's and whipped cream.


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

Please don't be too hard on him! My wife and I have been married 18 years and just recently (a couple of months ago), I finally admitted to her that I wanted watch her doing it with another man. She was very shocked that I had this fantasy (I have had it for a long time, just never told her about it), and was also upset. She then admitted to me that she had lived out this fantasy with her first husband and that she said it contributed to her eventual divorce. We never actually did it. We are in marriage counseling currently (for unrelated reasons) and we decided that if we were to ever do this, it would have to be after our marriage was much stronger (it just may stay a fantasy). Many men have this fantasy just not many acutally live it out. Men are visual so I believe that is why more men than women have the fantasy. If your'e not comfortable with it, then tell him. If he loves you, he will respect your wishes.


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

I think this fantasy is much more common than we realize. For me, it is best left in the fantasy realm. This is among my H's fantasies but as he and I have talked through this and others we have seen that for us, there is a firm line between fantasy and reality. That is to say, we're happy to talk about it (and I know my talking about it reliably drives him utterly nuts with excitement which is... helpful) but this is not something I am going to do - EVER - in real life.

If you're not comfortable even talking about it, or incorporating it into your regular fantasy-sharing or whatever else you do, by all means tell him. But I think you must also recognize that he probably had this fantasy for a long time, and it took some courage on his part to share it with you. So I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt.

If you never want to discuss it with him again, perhaps the approach might be to thank him for sharing the fantasy and honor the courage and honesty it took to share it, and then within that context let him know that it's so difficult for you to imagine, and such a turn-off to imagine, that you want to share other fantasies altogether. I would argue that the courage and honesty to share these kinds of things is the source of intimacy, and I would argue further that this source is precious and fragile. If you have found that source in your marriage, in my opinion it's worth protecting and nurturing.

There's nothing wrong with the strong feelings you're having but at least for me, I know when I am gripped by very strong feelings it is time for me to not react lest I throw the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak.


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## Teufelhunden (Apr 19, 2010)

I can't even imagine how upset you are, but you can't be upset with him for too long. You must learn to move on. It is only a fantasy and I actually give him credit for bringing it up. I recently brought up a fantasy to my wife of 14 years. I was scared to death she was going to think I was crazy!! I brought it up, we did it, and to my surprise she really liked it. Had I never brought it up, we never would have explored something new and exciting. The fantasy of my wife sleeping with another man is not something I care for. I would down right want to kill anyone touching my wife. Then again my fantasies may not be for someone else either! But that is just me and my view of the whole deal. I think you are making the right decision by not doing it, since it makes you feel uncomfortable. Best of luck to you!


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

As the previous person mentioned, this fantasy is much more common than most people believe. Most men that have this fantasy never share it with their wives because of how they think their wives will react. Men are either very turned on by the thought of another man with their wife, or they become very angry and jealous at the thought of it. There is no inbetween it seems.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

russ101 said:


> Men are either very turned on by the thought of another man with their wife, or they become very angry and jealous at the thought of it. There is no inbetween it seems.


Well put. And probably even more so the other way round - ask the average wife what she thinks about her husband banging some other woman. Make sure you are at a safe distance first


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

russ101 said:


> Men are either very turned on by the thought of another man with their wife, or they become very angry and jealous at the thought of it. There is no inbetween it seems.


:iagree:

My wife and I are pretty kinky with each other compared to most "average" marriages. But the one thing we share in common is we are very jealous of our sex lives together. It's something neither of us could ever fathom (having a 3rd either way). For us sex is sacred between us and only us.

That being said, what works for a cat doesn't necessarily work for a dog. We are all different, and if both spouses are good with something else, then feel free to explore that avenue together.


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## he4she (Sep 3, 2010)

Perhaps you could try soft swinging before going on to the real deal. Go out on dates and get the feel of someone else, before getting naked. Some women would think this is a dream come true.
One word of caution, you MUST be able to separate love from lust. And you MUST be able to like someone without falling in love. If you cannot do that, then this could end your marriage.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

It sounds more or less like an intro to Swinging. It's his fantasy and not yours by the sounds of it. If your not good with it, say no and mean No. I have many fantasies but watching my wife nail another man is not one!


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## Sad_in_NY (Jun 23, 2010)

Like several folks have mentioned, it is a common fantasy. It is probably my #1 fantasy of my wife. I very much want to see my wife engaged in sexualy pleasure giving and receiving with another man. The THOUGHT of it drives me wild. 

However, I would never act on it, solely because I have no idea of how it would affect our marriage. Too much to risk, so I know it is merely a fantasy. Unfortunately, my wife has no fantasies and refuses to discuss mine. So, they stay buried in my head. 

If both are not comfortable with expanding the boundaries, I think it is best to keep things as they are.


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## Dogeatdog (May 22, 2012)

I was married 15 years..Still married actually but separated. I first thought of this when we were dating. She told me of a night 2 guys kept taking turns kissing her in college and how hot she found it. I being her man thought why should she miss out on such experiences. I never wanted another woman..That wasn't my goal here. My goal was to help facilitate her fantasies into reality. I knew she had them, she supposedly loved me so I felt secure in at least not being in the way of her dreams. Well 15 years went by and it never happened.. After about the fifth year I stopped bringing it up to her. But by now I caught the bug. I really wanted her to do this. I felt cheated that she by her own admission wanted to be wanted by men but wouldn't act on it, with me as her partner in crime. Funny thing however, the moment we were no more she immediately found herself on top of a few guys. How I know is we are still having sex. She even gets off doing me within hours of these new guys. She likes being a dirty little ****. She doesn't want to get back together, she loves her new found freedom. The irony is she could have had that for 15 years and have a constant person who would love her no matter what supporting her financially and emotionally. But instead she had to repress her true self for 15 years, resent me for it and only reveal herself when a piece of paper didn't stand in her way.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

As the German Devil Dog said in post 16, he had a fantasy and shared it with his wife. They tried it and enjoyed it. But, when these fantasy start involving a third person; a person that you didn't promise yourself to, then massive problems start to rise. Best to leaave fantasies of that kind just that....fantasies.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Don't know if the OP is still monitoring this thread but here's a suggestion. Lots of times we men think we want something then when we get it we realize, dang, we didn't really want that. It didn't turn out the way we thought. Wasn't as sexy as we thought. So here's a suggestion. Try a little deception. Very little.

Just before he comes home one day, take a good, realistic feeling lube, and smear it around your pvssy. You know, make it feel realistic. Then when he comes home tell him a fairy tale about some hot sex you had with some hot dude that day. Tell him he just left like 30 minutes ago. He won't believe you, let him feel your wetness at that point.

Then sit back and watch his reaction. Then you can judge whether he is serious or not. After you have his reaction confess to the sham. He will either be relieved or turned on or both. Either way you will both probably enjoy hot sex right then and there.

Good thing you're already lubed up.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

I always say if you are not into doing it yourself go watch people that are,tell your husband that its definitely not for you, but if he wants you can find a swingers club and he can enjoy those sites and sounds[YOU DO NOT HAVE TO EXCHANGE PARTNERS AT SWINGERS CLUBS]and you can do your thing with each other as others do their thing,it works for my wife and I. I am also very jealous and would never share my wife and she is the same.


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## mommyofthree (Jan 7, 2012)

Don't be mad at him.It took great courage to open up and tell you and you want to keep that communication open.My hubby told me a simaler sort of fantasy (I will not repost because last time I did it created a huge uproar) and I did reasearch on it.

We will not do it for real.We do talk about it still and he makes comments at times saying maybe one day.I let it go and smile.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

I truthfully don't think this is very uncommon (the fantasy of it that is). I sometimes wonder about what it would be like to either see her with another man. Not as a part of it, but just as a spectator. I wonder how she'd act. What would she do. And I'd just love to be an observer to her being in the throws of ecstasy with another guy. As well as I would love to give her something like that to not be bored, or if she desired it.

BUT, and this is a huge, deal breaking "but": That is a fantasy "perfect world" where we did that, and then go about our lives the next day with no effect on our relationship as though nothing happened. That would usually and realistically not be the case. There are going to be feelings of jealousy, insecurity, questions about "did she enjoy it more with him than me", and so many others. For her there would be some kind of regret I'm sure. Or possibly emotional feelings toward another guy. Too many thoughts of it. Things like that.

For some people, I believe this works. For her and I, while I believe we are strong, I also believe it could potentially cause problems. And neither of us would be willing to risk it. 

It is a fantasy for more guys than I think people realize. But some things are better left as fantasy. I would not be hard on him for admitting to it or opening up to you about it (hell, it should be a positive, and it is not, I believe, uncommon thinking), but I would be hard on him for pushing you into something you clearly do not want to do, or clearly putting a marriage at risk that has otherwise been great, but is not ready (and may never be ready) for something like this. 

Compulsive behavior over, or actually acting on ones fantasies (or anything that logic tells us while fun to think about could be potentially catastrophically damaging) is usually not a wise course of action. Neither usually is one person pushing someone else into something they don't want to do. 

Be understanding of the fantasy, but not of him pushing you to do something you do not want. Heck, my W not long ago admitted she sometimes had a fantasy about being with two guys. I have no problem with that, and appreciate "being in the loop" on her sexy thoughts. I facilitated that a bit a few times since then by popping in a well done video of a MWM threesome, and used a dildo on her while she did things to me. It was exciting for her (and me to know she was "living out" her fantasy to some degree in her head), and we both had a great time. I'm not that insecure about "fantasy". But, were she to start pushing me to actually make it happen with another real man? Then we would have a bit of a problem I believe.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Fantasies are ok because you can control them. You can't control people. They have their own emotions, motives, agendas. Your husband may like the image of you having sex with another guy but I doubt he'd like the image of you falling in love with this other guy or leaving him for this other guy, or of you finding out this other guy is a superior sexual performer than he is.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

*This thread is 2 years old.*


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Not even going to read all the replies here and just jump in with my 2 cents....

First of all, your husband is a lucky man to have a wife like you that has a very healthy view towards sex based on what you have done and experienced with him during your marriage. I know there are hundreds of guys here alone on TAM that would kill to have their wives be as adventureous as you!

As others have said, if you're not comfortable with it, don't do it! Some fantacies should remain just that .....Fantasy.

Sometimes the vengeful part of my hopes that husbands like this get their due in the future when their wives, finally worn down by the constant badgering, give in to their request and wind up falling in love with the OM! It's the old "Be careful what you wish for, you might get it"

Again, I am not for this at all, especially if one party is not comfortable with it!


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Aristotle said:


> *This thread is 2 years old.*


Yes but hopefully people will use the search feature to see if their question has already been answered. This may help answer someone else's question in the future. That's why mods don't automatically lock threads when they get old.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

sandc said:


> Yes but hopefully people will use the search feature to see if their question has already been answered. This may help answer someone else's question in the future. That's why mods don't automatically lock threads when they get old.


Thanks, I replied in another zombie thread prior and a mod did the same as I did. I figured it was a courtesy for those who think this is an ongoing problem for the OP.

A lot of people are still talking directly to the op and/or asking questions that will never get answered, as she quit posting 2 years ago.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Wonder what she ended up doing...


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## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

i am sure after 20 years neither of you are the same people now that you were then . there is nothing wrong with exploring your sexual desires with your partner . it is in fact a very good thing . if you cant be honest , discuss , and explore your sexual desires with your partner , who can you do it with . 
do not mistake your husbands desire to explore sex with others to be the same as him wanting to share you with others . i am quite sure that his limit to someone else with you is sex only . im sure he would not consider sharing your relationship with anyone . do not take it as a betrayal to you . he is in fact trusting you with something that im sure he has never trusted anyone else with . " HIM " . he trusts you enough to know you will not look at him as less than a man for what he has told you . trusts you enough to know that he can be vulnerable to you . have you trusted your husband with your deepest darkest innermost secrets ? if you have i would say you are both very lucky and have a great marriage . keep the communication and trust open .


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

stoney1215 said:


> i am sure after 20 years neither of you are the same people now that you were then . there is nothing wrong with exploring your sexual desires with your partner . it is in fact a very good thing . if you cant be honest , discuss , and explore your sexual desires with your partner , who can you do it with .
> do not mistake your husbands desire to explore sex with others to be the same as him wanting to share you with others . i am quite sure that his limit to someone else with you is sex only . im sure he would not consider sharing your relationship with anyone . do not take it as a betrayal to you . he is in fact trusting you with something that im sure he has never trusted anyone else with . " HIM " . he trusts you enough to know you will not look at him as less than a man for what he has told you . trusts you enough to know that he can be vulnerable to you . have you trusted your husband with your deepest darkest innermost secrets ? if you have i would say you are both very lucky and have a great marriage . keep the communication and trust open .


The thread is two years old. She won't read this advice. TG


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## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

but obviously others will . and the post is not just for one person but for anyone who chooses to read it and get something from it . thank you for letting me know how old the post was . i hope that my post is as helpful to you as yours is to me .


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## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

since i am new to the site , this being my first time , it would be of much more help to me if you could tell me how to post to a specific post as opposed to posting in general to a thread .


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

stoney1215 said:


> since i am new to the site , this being my first time , it would be of much more help to me if you could tell me how to post to a specific post as opposed to posting in general to a thread .


Pick a topic forum and click forum tools.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I didn't think 6-year-olds could get summer jobs...


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Secret, I'll probably get banned for this, but why don't you just agree to do it, but only if you can arrange the details and be on your own. Then you can go out and have a nice dinner and when you come back home, just lie to him and give him all the details he hallucinates he wants to hear?


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