# Does a cheating wife usually have a confidante?



## stuck in los angeles (Feb 15, 2013)

I have a thread in the general discussion section with the whole story but wanted input on this specific question. 

I've had intuition for a while now that my wife may be involved in a PA with a coworker. For a little longer than I've had my suspicions, my wife has been paying for a cell phone for one of her High School girlfriends. This girlfriend doesn't work and has lots of free time. This friend also is the type that seems to like real life romantic drama and in her circle of girlfriends, there's a couple of them that have cheated or been cheated on. So there's the constant gossip going on, and I hear some of it from my wife. My wife is constantly texting this girlfriend more than any other friend of hers. And when I started having the concerns about my wife's fidelity, this girlfriend's demeanor kind of changed towards me. She was suddenly more quiet and didn't seem to want to talk much to me. Back then my wife also mentioned that this friend said to my wife "You better hang on to your man". I asked my wife why she would say that, and she replied that "She thinks you're a good man". 

Now that I've had suspicions about one particular male coworker, Joe, I noticed that Joe texted my wife on Christmas morning. His was the first text my wife received that day. Then I noticed that right away instead of my wife returning his text, she texts this girlfriend of hers. They texted back and forth for a while. Then 90 minutes later, she texted Joe back. I didn't see the texts, only the traffic on the bill. My wife always deletes her texts, so it's gone. But I found it interesting that she texted her girlfriend right away instead of him. I kept it to myself until this week. When I asked my wife what Joe said in the text, she was silent for a moment and said she didn't know. She did kind of seem caught by my question though.

Not that I expect this girlfriend will tell me anything, but maybe one of the circle of friends have the gossip I'm looking for.

For those of you that have been down this road before, how common is it for a cheating wife to have a confidante?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Think it depends on the person but you're most likely not going to get anything out of the friend regardless.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

Oh, there are a lot of cases WWs have an enabler or a toxic friend of the same sex. It's not exactly necessary, but I think it gives them the necessary push to start/emotional support to continue without getting too unhinged.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

and your sure its the friend who has this phone she pays for? lol.

your wife has a toxic support group, and the means to learn the skills on "How To" have an effective and discreet affair. 

My bet is that your being played.


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## Ever-Man (Jan 25, 2013)

Agreed, nearly all cheaters need to confide in someone. You may want to do some investigation before you voice your concerns to your wife. Use a VAR in the car, that has yielded solid evidence for many.


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## DumpedAgain (Feb 14, 2013)

Yep, my wife has always had that toxic man hating friend

The friendship always implodes.. well, because they are both toxic

But she always finds another one, there's plenty of them out 
there


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Ya don't tip your wife off that you're onto her by talking to her friends. They'll most likely run back to her with "Hey, stuck was asking questions about you cheating on him. Be careful." It will just make it that much harder for you to find proof because she'll cover her tracks even more.

Put a VAR in her car, keylog the computer if possible, and if you can put some type of spyware on her phone. But try not to let on that you suspect anything or if you have act like your fears have been resolved.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Put spy ware on her phone...see what their text are about.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

This is a very good question as I've noticed from reading this board that women often maybe usually include a friend or friends in their infidelity to help support or provide alibis.

My experience with men however is the complete opposite.
Men tend to want to keep the knowledge of their infidelity from everyone and anyone and wouldn't dream of telling a soul often even keeping it from lifelong best friends.

Someone ought to make a thread just on the subject.


But as far as the OP's concern.

I think you'd have better luck with some investigative work on your own on the down-low.

Her friends are likely to tip her off even if they disagree with her choices.
May even tell her you're suspicious hoping it'll get her to stop.
They are not likely to tell you anything.

It does sound like your wife has something going on on the side though.
Get a VAR.
Get keylogger.
GPS her if you have to.
Assert some boundaries.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

stuck in los angeles said:


> I have a thread in the general discussion section with the whole story but wanted input on this specific question.
> 
> I've had intuition for a while now that my wife may be involved in a PA with a coworker. For a little longer than I've had my suspicions, my wife has been paying for a cell phone for one of her High School girlfriends. This girlfriend doesn't work and has lots of free time. This friend also is the type that seems to like real life romantic drama and in her circle of girlfriends, there's a couple of them that have cheated or been cheated on. So there's the constant gossip going on, and I hear some of it from my wife. My wife is constantly texting this girlfriend more than any other friend of hers. And when I started having the concerns about my wife's fidelity, this girlfriend's demeanor kind of changed towards me. She was suddenly more quiet and didn't seem to want to talk much to me. Back then my wife also mentioned that this friend said to my wife "You better hang on to your man". I asked my wife why she would say that, and she replied that "She thinks you're a good man".
> 
> ...


I can't give a percentage, but a lot of cheaters, especially women, have a confidant.

Your wife actually pays for someone else's cell phone. Your wife likes to talk to her so much, she pays for her phone. I would estimate the odds of your wife having at least one confidant at just about 100%.

Why would your wife want to associate with women who have and condone adulterous affairs? Does your wife think it is acceptable that these other women commit adultery? Do these women provide excuses for each other when they are committing adultery? Does your wife provide excuses for other women are committing adultery? Or is all of this no big deal, just provides some excitement to their boring and routine married lives?

Many on this forum would call your wife's friends "toxic," meaning toxic to your marriage.

If you want to find out if your wife is cheating on you, buy a voice-activated recorder and some heavy-duty velcro. Buy a few. Place one in her car under the front seat. Place another in the house where she is likely to talk on the phone without you hearing or when you are not home. You should have your answer within a week.


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## stuck in los angeles (Feb 15, 2013)

She knows I've had concerns as I've confronted her. She now has a cell phone from work (which almost always is kept in her car's console) and a company laptop with a badge reader.

Tell me the phone that stays in the car is not suspicious, lol. And she doesn't take it in the office either.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

stuck in los angeles said:


> She knows I've had concerns as I've confronted her. She now has a cell phone from work (which almost always is kept in her car's console) and a company laptop with a badge reader.
> 
> Tell me the phone that stays in the car is not suspicious, lol. And she doesn't take it in the office either.


Why would you even stay married to someone that doesn't respect you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

stuck in los angeles said:


> She knows I've had concerns as I've confronted her. She now has a cell phone from work (which almost always is kept in her car's console) and a company laptop with a badge reader.
> 
> Tell me the phone that stays in the car is not suspicious, lol. And she doesn't take it in the office either.


VAR the car and if that doesn't wield anything you might want to consider the PI route. Oddly enough not too many people here seem to ever use one. Probably costs a pretty penny.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

stuck in los angeles said:


> She knows I've had concerns as I've confronted her. She now has a cell phone from work (which almost always is kept in her car's console) and a company laptop with a badge reader.
> 
> Tell me the phone that stays in the car is not suspicious, lol. And she doesn't take it in the office either.


s'ok. a VAR is usually the thing that will catch them.

Velcro a Voice activated recorder under her car seat.

You'll have more than enough to "know" within the week.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

You can buy a VAR at best buy or even wal mart for around 40-50 bucks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stuck in los angeles (Feb 15, 2013)

keko said:


> Why would you even stay married to someone that doesn't respect you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't want to stay anymore but without hard proof of an affair, I felt I should maybe try to get her to want to change her behavior.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

stuck in los angeles said:


> I don't want to stay anymore but without hard proof of an affair, I felt I should maybe try to get her to want to change her behavior.


You can't get her to want to change her behavior unless there are consequences FOR her behavior. She doesn't WANT to change her behavior and nothing you say or do short of making her face the consequences of what she's done will get her to change her behavior. Negative behavior needs to be rewarded with negative consequences. It's as simple as that.

A lot of people (especially the men I've noticed) come here trying to nice their WS out of affairs, reason their WS out of affairs, bargain their WS out of affairs, bring up the kids, and their history together, and their marriage, etc. That pretty much never works. They offer to reconcile, work on the marriage, offer forgiveness, etc from DDay on out only to be dissapointed when this either doesn't move the WS to change or the WS pretends to be on board only to still be seeing the other person and just being even more underground about it.

The only stories I've read here (and there are hundreds in this section) where a BS got their WS back on board was through action and laying down consequences. The sooner this is done, the more likely it is to be effective. The longer a BS waits to actually DO something, the less likely. And even then it's not a guarantee that the marriage is recoverable post D-Day.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

stuck, are you absolutely certain that phone your wife is paying for is in her friend's possession? That could just be a cover story for a burner phone.


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## Jeradsjunk (Sep 15, 2012)

What kind of phone does she have? You might be able to retrieve deleted texts.


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## stuck in los angeles (Feb 15, 2013)

Jeradsjunk said:


> What kind of phone does she have? You might be able to retrieve deleted texts.


Iphone 5 is her personal phone. They get overwritten in the database pretty quick.


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## stuck in los angeles (Feb 15, 2013)

3putt said:


> stuck, are you absolutely certain that phone your wife is paying for is in her friend's possession? That could just be a cover story for a burner phone.


The friend does have it, ive seen it there.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

stuck in los angeles said:


> The friend does have it, ive seen it there.


That could be part of the cover as well. If she starts not deleting texts and leaves her phone out in the open to alleviate any suspicions she may think you have, I would bet that phone wouldn't be over there anymore.

I know it sounds paranoid and far-fetched to you, but to us it's SOP.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

stuck in los angeles said:


> She knows I've had concerns as I've confronted her. She now has a cell phone from work (which almost always is kept in her car's console) and a company laptop with a badge reader.
> 
> Tell me the phone that stays in the car is not suspicious, lol. And she doesn't take it in the office either.


 If she has a phone that she does not take into the house or the office then it is not really a company phone. It is a burner phone used to secretly communicate with her affair partner.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Don't know if your wife is cheating or just supporting cheaters but there is no doubt she is either directly involved (you lose) or indirectly involved (you will soon lose). 

The three infidelity boards I've seen are composed of about 75% women posters - giving each other support, encouragement, and tips on having a successful affair, juggling H and OM etc they absolutely ostracize any poster -male or female - that suggests they rethink the affair life . So I would suspect that IRL klatches of cheaters do the same but more effectively.


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## stuck in los angeles (Feb 15, 2013)

TRy said:


> If she has a phone that she does not take into the house or the office then it is not really a company phone. It is a burner phone used to secretly communicate with her affair partner.


Yeah, the company pays for the phone but it stays in the car. So it is possibly a burner phone that the company pays for.


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## stuck in los angeles (Feb 15, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Don't know if your wife is cheating or just supporting cheaters but there is no doubt she is either directly involved (you lose) or indirectly involved (you will soon lose).
> 
> The three infidelity boards I've seen are composed of about 75% women posters - giving each other support, encouragement, and tips on having a successful affair, juggling H and OM etc they absolutely ostracize any poster -male or female - that suggests they rethink the affair life . So I would suspect that IRL klatches of cheaters do the same but more effectively.


Didn't even know infidelity support boards existed but not at all surprised. I've heard the commercials on radio for the cheating hookup site.


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## Jeradsjunk (Sep 15, 2012)

stuck in los angeles said:


> Iphone 5 is her personal phone. They get overwritten in the database pretty quick.


It maybe worth a shot. I looked through my wife's deleted texts on a backup from mid December the other day and I could see texts from October. She texts about 2000 times a month.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

stuck in los angeles said:


> Iphone 5 is her personal phone. They get overwritten in the database pretty quick.


According to many posters it is easy to get deleted texts from iphones................unless they are using certain apps.

The phone has to be synched with a computer first. If you are handy with computers you can decipher the texts but its a jumble. There are programs to decipher the texts though. This an d the var are going to get you what you need. 

Here is a sample and you can google and I think, youtube search it.

iPhone Backup Extractor for Windows and Mac

You need to downlaod MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER at amazon now.....................not later ...........* NOW* ( its not a sex manual btw)


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Her friends are likely to tip her off even if they disagree with her choices.


:iagree:

The day before my ex moved out I reached out to one of her friends (who I foolishly thought was my friend also) to help me try and save my marriage.

I left a voice mail and asked her to call me.

One hour goes by. No response. Two hours, still no response.

Finally, after four hours, I send her an email asking if she had gotten my earlier voice mail requesting that she call me.

Thirty minutes later she sends me an email stating that she had no intentions of getting in the middle and that I should seek individual counseling to help me.

Mind you, this woman had been to my house for cookouts and birthday parties. Her daughter and mine had attended the same preschool. I was trying to save my marriage and she didn't even have the decency to return my call.

This act told me everything I needed to know about her. It was also the last time that I reached out to one of my ex's friends for assistance.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Jasel said:


> You don't tip your wife off that you're onto her by talking to her friends. They'll most likely run back to her with "Hey, stuck was asking questions about you cheating on him. Be careful." It will just make it that much harder for you to find proof because she'll cover her tracks even more.


How true! The cheater's sympathizing female friends would be absolutely the first to tell her.

I know that my STBXW could not have masterminded her rampant intrastate cheating strategy without the help of two of her GF's and one of their husband's. I don't really think that she would ever tell her family and church/social friends primarily because those folks would absolutely go ballistic on her!

To date, she doesn't even have the vaguest clue that I know the first thing about her affairs. But after the gavel finally falls in that little rural courthouse in the very near future, I already have plans firmly laid to "out" both her and those sympathizing friends of hers!


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## stuck in los angeles (Feb 15, 2013)

Jeradsjunk said:


> It maybe worth a shot. I looked through my wife's deleted texts on a backup from mid December the other day and I could see texts from October. She texts about 2000 times a month.


Did you just use a text editor like notepad?


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## stuck in los angeles (Feb 15, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> How true! The cheater's sympathizing female friends would be absolutely the first to tell her.
> 
> I know that my STBXW could not have masterminded her cheating strategy without the help of two of her GF's and one of their husband's. I don't really think that she would ever tell her family and church/social friends primarily because those folks would absolutely go ballistic on her!
> 
> To date, she doesn't even have the vaguest clue that I know the first thing about her affairs. But after the gavel finally falls in that little rural courthouse in the very near future, I already have plans firmly laid to "out" both her and those sympathizing friends of hers!


Good luck dude. I like to see justice delivered.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

stuck in los angeles said:


> I don't want to stay anymore but without hard proof of an affair, I felt I *should **maybe **try *to get her to want to change her behavior.


SILA, Read that sentence again and tell me if it makes sense to you.

(Pretend someone else wrote it.)


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## Jeradsjunk (Sep 15, 2012)

Google retrieve deleted iphone texts. I can't remember the name of the program I used but there were a bunch. The one I used was a trial version that you could view everything with but couldn't export anything without paying.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

SILA check your PM


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

stuck in los angeles said:


> The friend does have it, ive seen it there.


Did it have a neon sign which said 'SILA's wife if paying for this phone'?

If not, then how do you know it's the same one that your wife is paying for?

I deal with hundreds of cellphones a month and can't tell one iPhone 4 from the next.


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## stuck in los angeles (Feb 15, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> SILA check your PM


Thanks


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## stuck in los angeles (Feb 15, 2013)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Did it have a neon sign which said 'SILA's wife if paying for this phone'?
> 
> If not, then how do you know it's the sa. one that your wife is paying for?
> 
> I deal with hundreds of cellphones a month and can't tell one iPhone 4 from the next.


Her friend broke the screen on the old one. My wife had me get a replacement on ebay. I swapped the sim card and transferred the phone book etc. 

I do IT for a living, servers, linux, electrical eng degree, etc. I'm pretty well versed on this stuff. 

I've had need to call her on this phone and she's always had it. That's not a burner phone. The company phone that stays in the car though may be the burner phone though.

The guy I'm concerned about is a coworker. If they do have something going on, the communication is likely all in person at work or on company phones and email. It's when they go on company travel for 2 or 3 months that I worry about.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

stuck in los angeles said:


> The guy I'm concerned about is a coworker. If they do have something going on, the communication is likely all in person at work or on company phones and email. *It's when they go on company travel for 2 or 3 months that I worry about.*


Uhhhhh, what? You're allowing her to go on 2-3 MONTH work assignments with a guy that you are concerned she may be cheating on you with?

I have no words for this.

Tell me you typed this wrong or misspoke.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

How much "RED FLAG CIRCUMSTANTIAL EVIDENCE" are you going to let slide??? Is it 20, 24, 25? What is the minimal number for you to take action? Your wife isn't doing anything for you to prove herself innocent accept waiting for you to let it slide and drop it. There is only so many "mental notes to self" that I would be able to take before I would get to the bottom of my suspicions. 

If it smells like sh&t, IT's Probably sh%t or something damn near close enough. You don't need to put your finger in it, rub it, then taste it, to verify that it's Sh$T. (you know what I mean)


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## stuck in los angeles (Feb 15, 2013)

3putt said:


> Uhhhhh, what? You're allowing her to go on 2-3 MONTH work assignments with a guy that you are concerned she may be cheating on you with?
> 
> I have no words for this.
> 
> Tell me you typed this wrong or misspoke.


I had no concerns about him or any of this until she went out of town for 3 months last year. Long story. Its in general discussions "Am I over reacting?" If you want to read it.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

3putt said:


> Uhhhhh, what? You're allowing her to go on 2-3 MONTH work assignments with a guy that you are concerned she may be cheating on you with?
> 
> I have no words for this.
> 
> Tell me you typed this wrong or misspoke.


Tell her to find a new job or you can't stay married to her 3 months?:slap:


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

3putt said:


> Uhhhhh, what? You're allowing her to go on 2-3 MONTH work assignments with a guy that you are concerned she may be cheating on you with?
> 
> I have no words for this.
> 
> Tell me you typed this wrong or misspoke.


Recipe for a short marriage. Not that soldiers on deployment are all doomed to this fate. But at minimum there is oversight - as little as it is. But this? Free-wheeling single girl life? uh uh. 

How in the world are you even marginally okay with this?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Recipe for a short marriage. Not that soldiers on deployment are all doomed to this fate. But at minimum there is oversight - as little as it is. But this? Free-wheeling single girl life? uh uh.
> 
> How in the world are you even marginally okay with this?


I'm not even close to sure how to respond to him on this, which is why I haven't yet. Unreal....to say the least.


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## stuck in los angeles (Feb 15, 2013)

Yeah, I'm not ok with it. Her job offsite is kind of high profile and she does a great job. The company views her as important for this job. Obviously she has chosen her job over the marriage. It wouldn't have to be the case if she had handled herself like a wife that respected her husband the way a loyal faithful wife should but instead she chose to push the boundaries and see how much disrespect she can get away with. Let alone if my worst fears of infidelity are true.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> It wouldn't have to be the case if she had handled herself like a wife that respected her husband the way a loyal faithful wife should but instead she chose to push the boundaries and see how much disrespect she can get away with. Let alone if my worst fears of infidelity are true.


So what are you going to do with this knowledge?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

stuck in los angeles said:


> Yeah, I'm not ok with it. Her job offsite is kind of high profile and she does a great job. The company views her as important for this job. Obviously she has chosen her job over the marriage. It wouldn't have to be the case if she had handled herself like a wife that respected her husband the way a loyal faithful wife should but instead she chose to push the boundaries and see how much disrespect she can get away with. Let alone if my worst fears of infidelity are true.


Well you're in cal. do you make more than her or the other way around? Life is too short every time she travels you are wondering who she is doing tonight, jmo.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

VARs in the house and car like said before so you can move on.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

My ww admitted she did not.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

To answer your original question - It's variable and depends on the personality of the woman. I believe that women are far more likely to confide in a friend than men are, but many of them do not.

And as for your W, I agree with everyone else that she has something going on. There's something not right about that phone situation - almost like she has a secret system set up with the friend to channel communications with an OM.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

coffee4me said:


> stuck in los angeles said:
> 
> 
> > Now that I've had suspicions about one particular male coworker, Joe, I noticed that Joe texted my wife on Christmas morning. His was the first text my wife received that day. QUOTE]
> ...


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

So, what are your plans? VAR?? You are going to VAR right?

Yes. VAR it up. do it. do it ASAP. prevent anymore limbo.

so... got that VAR yet? what's taking you so long?! go!

NOW! run! GET IT. Get a few actually.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You really, really need to talk to Joe's wife. Why haven't you already?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Joe invited her on a trip to Vegas where you and his wife were not allowed to go. 

He texts her early Christmas morning.

He has repeatedly invited her on yearly trips.

He has now talked her into long term business trips.

Why haven't you talked to his wife?

Why haven't you punched him?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Joe invited her on a trip to Vegas where you and his wife were not allowed to go.
> 
> He texts her early Christmas morning.
> 
> ...


Let his wife know at least if your marriage is going down because of this pos.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Joe invited her on a trip to Vegas where you and his wife were not allowed to go.
> 
> He texts her early Christmas morning.
> 
> ...


wow hadn't read other thread. This is not acceptable. VAR it to prove it and then blow it up


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> Last time out, she had asked several different male coworkers out to dinner, just the two of them. The whole group of them drink almost every outing, including my wife. I later said I didn't like it, would never do that to her, and it has to stop. I told her I didn't have a problem with her out with a group, but that her alone with another man is like a date. She hung up on me, called me back later drunk and said "I'm not going to change that for you and if you don't like it, you can leave" and "I'm not the same woman you married. I've changed." She's insisting the problem is my lack of trust, and that nothing with her behaviour is wrong.





> My wife and I work for related companies. From my conversations with others I've known, affairs are not that uncommon at this location. One of the guys my wife knows at work left his wife for a woman he was fooling around with there. At least a couple of others that were there this time were having affairs, my wife told me so and it was kind of common knowledge who was hooking up with who. My wife said that "it's not the women that are cheating, it's the men". But she would defend her going out to dinner with the men she was with by telling me "they all do it". Well, that's not very comforting reassurance to me knowing some of the group are having affairs. And then when she came home, she was constantly deleting her texts and to me seemed suddenly secretive with her cell phone. Then I find that the only picture on her new laptop is of one of the men out there she was with the most. But of coarse "she doesn't know how that picture got on her laptop".





> Not normally but the opportunity came up for her to go for 10 weeks last year and she took it. While she was out there, she called me and said that a position is opening up that will have her traveling on a more regular basis and much of the time with the lead guy Joe, who's picture was on her laptop. She first applied for it. Then turned it down "to stay home and work on our marriage". Then a week later Joe stopped by her office to ask her to reconsider. She told him that "she wasn't going to jeapardize her marriage for it". Then a month later when she was with the group of guys at work, one guy was giving another guy a shoulder massage, she looked at that and then she threw one of her innuendos out there to Joe, the lead, and said something to the effect of "Do me Joe. You would do me, wouldn't you Joe?", playing off the massage thing. She told me about it later too, like she thought it was clever. Then a week later Joe said he needed her assistance to help out for one trip. Then it was "I'm probably going to take that job and continue to go out there". Honestly, to me there's something wrong with someone who thinks an innuendo like that is ok and not be embarrassed for it. It's really juvenile behavior and looks s!utty. When I consider how she turned down the job, then took it and all the stuff related to Joe, I can't help but think maybe she's involved with Joe and tried but failed to fight the temptation and finally gave in to keeping the thing going with him. He's married too. She is highly regarded for her work performance but that's just not right at all.




Sigh...


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> How much "RED FLAG CIRCUMSTANTIAL EVIDENCE" are you going to let slide???


exactly. you don't need to sequester and grill her supposed "confidante" to get your answers: it's all there..... in her suspicious behavior


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## stuck in los angeles (Feb 15, 2013)

chapparal said:


> Joe invited her on a trip to Vegas where you and his wife were not allowed to go.
> 
> He texts her early Christmas morning.
> 
> ...


The other thread is confusing to read. Joe is not the same guy who asks her to go to Vegas. The Vegas guy is more likely just a flirting scenario that my wife seems to not want to stop. Joe is the one who she was with the most out of town last year.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I think her friend is telling her NOT to cheat on you. She's doing her best, but your wife is in the fog.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I think her friend is telling her NOT to cheat on you. She's doing her best, but your wife is in the fog.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


From experience, if a cheater's friend is telling her not to cheat then that friendship is usually tossed aside - just like the marriage.


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## NotSo (Jul 23, 2012)

My WW had 2 people she confided in - neither stopped or interfered with her fantasy. Both claimed to be friends with me, friends of our family. 

I always had a bad feeling about both of these of people; wasn't sure why, just a bad feeling...after D Day, my feelings were confirmed. 

During R period of 4 months, I gave my WW 4 goals to achieve - 1. NC with AP 2. Begin MC 3. NC with these people I determined were toxic to my marriage 4. End online spending...None were achieved, I moved out, and we are beginning the process of mediation D.

If the BS knows, or can find out who the WS is confiding in and get them out of their lives, your chances go up with R.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

stuck in los angeles said:


> Yeah, I'm not ok with it. Her job offsite is kind of high profile and she does a great job. The company views her as important for this job. *Obviously she has chosen her job over the marriage. *It wouldn't have to be the case if she had handled herself like a wife that respected her husband the way a loyal faithful wife should but instead she chose to push the boundaries and see how much disrespect she can get away with. Let alone if my worst fears of infidelity are true.


That bolded statement sort of says it all, doesn't it? SILA, look man, there are so many red-flags throughout your two threads I don't even know where to begin.

Based on everything you've conveyed, I'd say the odds that she is cheating on you are about 99.99999%. If I were in your shoes, I couldn't stomach the disrespect she's giving you, not to mention the brazen and out-loud disregard for "working" on her own marriage.

This one is not a keeper. Throw her back. Get the proof you need and file for divorce.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You should still talk to his wife. Many times they know a lot more than the other spouse, you.
I sure do not see how it could make this worse. There is a good chance if he thinks there is trouble brewing, the drama may not be worth it.
Usually the OM throws the AP under the bus to keep his family together.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

When i caught my wife since it was with the group of friends that her best friend hung out, i pretty much assumed she new. But then a few days letter when i sent a message to her best friends husband to ask some questions. Her best friend texted her to tell her i was asking these questions and wanted to know what was going on. So that's when i found out my wife's best friend didn't eve know. 

So it does seem to appear it is different for each WS. Sometimes they may be so self conscious of what every one thinks of them that they keep in secrete from everyone.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

While a lot of WS's might keep their trysts a secret from almost everyone, I can't help but feel that they will solicit "immoral support" from those friends of hers who she can successfully sell selective parts of her story as to why her husband, no matter how good and decent that he may in truth be, is such an SOB and is so undeserving of having access to such "a find" as she so egotistically perceives herself to be.

Then she'll go into "phase two" of richly selling the all of the goodness and the viability of her AP to these same fearful or narrow-minded people.

In essence, these same people will heartily do a quick 180 on her BS and fastly expouse the virtues of her infidelic actions in order to defend her choice of the OM over that of her "no-account" legally-married husband.

And as the Count of Monte Cristo so aptly put it, if these same friends refuse to buy her bill of goods, then they will, in all reality and with all deliberate speed, quickly become her "former friends!"


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> From experience, if a cheater's friend is telling her not to cheat then that friendship is usually tossed aside - just like the marriage.


Or like my wife's bff. She told my wife what she was doing was wrong, however, she empathized with her, played a part in demonizing me, and backed up all those thoughts that my wife should do what makes her happy. Basically a lot more support for the affair than pointing out how it was going to destroy all she had built.

So even if they think you are a 'good man', they will support your cheating wife and how she's got a 'glow' around this other man warning her to just be careful and not get caught... :banghead:


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## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

My exwife had a good friend at work who was her co-conspirator.

This secretary had confided in my ex years ago that she and her husband were swingers and liked to go to swinger parties. At the time my ex told me about this and we both conceded how gross and unhealthy that was.

Fast forward to when I caught my ex by checking her text messages. Upon closer inspection of the call and text logs with our bill, I find that after every conversation or text with the OM, she would immediately call the secretary friend to brag or compare notes. Some friend....


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

chapparal said:


> You should still talk to his wife. Many times they know a lot more than the other spouse, you.
> I sure do not see how it could make this worse. There is a good chance if he thinks there is trouble brewing, the drama may not be worth it.
> Usually the OM throws the AP under the bus to keep his family together.


It's worth the try.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Your wife is in a full fledge affair. There is no question or doubt im my mind. It's likely because of her support group / circle of influence she thinks it's normal / acceptable and or she feels entilted based on the villan role she probably has you painted into. She's deep in foggyville. 

It sounds like she has put in the leg work to hide it (most likely at the suggestion of OM (joe?) and her toxic friends) and set up fail safes to be able to gaslight you back in line should you come up with half as$ evidence or unsupportable accusations. Your going to need to intelligence gather if you hope to mount a offensive to end the affair and save your marriage. 

If you aren't certain that "if" she is having a full blown affair that you are interested in saving your marriage, opt for the other approach. 180* + serve her divorce papers.

JMHO.


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