# What do women really want



## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

So in the last ten years 66% of divorces have been initiated by women; from a lot of the posts here guys have been given the I love you but not in love with you speech.

So what do women really want? I used to think it was committment, but it seems that once women "break" their man, they want a new challenge.

Granted I know I'm extremely jaded right now, but it seems like I was willing to give it all to my marriage, with no good result.

Kind of makes me think the whole concept of marriage is antiquated now; maybe it's the new social network we live in with Facebook, Twitter, email, text messages, it makes it that much easier for both women and men to search for instant happiness.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Right now, this woman wants you to go have some FUN! Seriously. If we were friends, I'd drag your ass out to go do something.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

They want what they don't have/don't need.

No matter how good, healthy, etc.


In my case, I was a sourpuss. Killjoy. Bad attitude. Negative. Isolated myself in pain. Now, why would ANYONE want to love me and be around me, etc.?

My W wanted happiness. Joking. Lightheartedness. Positivity.


And, instead of communicating with me, her influential friends provided her with all of those emotions/activities I was failing to provide. That encouraged her to spend more time with them. They in turn, encouraged her to seek happiness, anywhere and everywhere, with or without me. Then, it became more of without me.


Bingo, bango, bongo. Here we are.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

Fantasy? They want it all and dont want to have to work at it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I really hate this "what do women/men want" type of crap.

It's all personal to the person you're talking about.

And only they will know, or not know. We all want/need different things...each one of us are individual men and women. What I want isn't want my friends want and what your wife wants may not even cross my mind.

So when I see things like "They want it all but don't want to work at it", i get furious because I do want it all and I almost lost it and i worked my ass off to get it back. And I'm a woman.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Jayb said:


> They want what they don't have/don't need.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

I was being facetious in regards to my ex.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I want....to be on my own for a bit and not have to mother a grown ass man


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

They want a helluva lot more than just commitment, that's for sure. Although in the end, that is what we really wanted and didn't get, huh?...
They _should_ want more than commitment. Fun, happiness, intimacy, security, adventure, safety, and time and attention all add to the love given, and they should want those things and they should get those things from us. But they should give them back in return -- including the 'given' of commitment!! Because with true 2-way commitment, one can get all the others through the other biggie: communication....


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

They want a challenging project. If they woke up beside their dream man, they'd bore quickly and trade him in for a Hell's Angel.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

And if they woke up with a Hell's Angel, would they trade him in for a dream man? Or is it that a Hell's Angel _is_ actually their dream man..?


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I am not sure very many people KNOW exactly what they want because even when you give them what they want it is not exactly what they thought they had asked for.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Women are in constant competition with each other. What they want is to have slightly more of whatever than their peers. Smarter kids, better house, better job, slimmer waist, younger looking skin, etc. As far as men are concerned, again, women want one a little "better" than whatever their friends have. They want their man to make a little more money, look a little healthier, be a little more doting, etc, than the guy her friend has. Their satisfaction has little to do with their guy. It has more to do with their own perceived status among other women.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

I don't know what other women want....but, I want someone who I connect with....someone who is positive, uplifting, fun, and sincere....someone who sees me for who I am.

....some of the other posts sort of annoy me. Come on. Not all women are conniving competitors! Yes, most of us have been wronged in some way by the member of the opposite sex. But, that doesn't mean we have to be bitter. 

I know that before I was betrayed, I loved my husband with all of my heart, and I accepted him for who he was, appreciated him, and would never have done anything to hurt him. If I am like that, I am sure that they are other people out there like me--people who know what it is like to truly love. I will find a match someday.

Put yourself out there, Proud. Try to make some connections with other people. They don't have to be romantic connections--just try to connect with some other people. It might help you to feel valued and loved again.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Threads that promote women or men bashing are full of generalizations that people make from their own unhappy experiences. They take a survey of themselves and extend that perception to half of the human race.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea i don't compete with other women. :rofl: My family is just awesome. Generalizations suck.


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

My wife wants womanizer.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> Threads that promote women or men bashing are full of generalizations that people make from their own unhappy experiences. They take a survey of themselves and extend that perception to half of the human race.


i believe this to be true also.
that, of course, is where i get a lot of my opinions.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

i agree generalizations suck. some of us TAM ladies were hurt just as bad as you men. my stbxh was having his affair with a 24yr old and i desperately tried to save my marriage and family for 7 months. before he came out with the affair i always gave him everything he could have wanted. i was the breadwinner, took care of the house and child. while he halfassed his job and played video games all night. but i still gave everthing i could to save my family and marriage. in fact all of you bs men who have posted here on TAM have shown me what GOOD men are out there, and inspired me not to be bitter against men.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

unsure78 said:


> i was the breadwinner, took care of the house and child. while he halfassed his job and played video games all night. but i still gave everthing i could to save my family and marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wish you could have been my wife. He was living the dream.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Living the dream? She probably wasn't happy with him acting like a 12 year old every day. People can only have a one sided marriage for so long.

Right now, I want a sammich and a foot rub.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

scione have you been reading any of the ladies threads on here?- i know the womens perspective is diffrent but it will show you what great women are out there
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

that-girl hell no i wasnt happy with him acting like a child, next time i want a MAN, but that being said i still wanted to save my marriage since i took a vow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

unsure78 said:


> that-girl hell no i wasnt happy with him acting like a child, next time i want a MAN, but that being said i still wanted to save my marriage since i took a vow.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Understood  But he was like, "oooh that's the life!" Uh...not really. LOL I would not be a happy wife with a husband like that.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

yeah I wasn't!! it's pretty tiring being the adult all the time and not actually being able to lean on the person you should be able to when you need a bit of support

he never once came home and said 'how was your day?' but I had to hear his interminably f*cking boring stories about his work


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Understood  But he was like, "oooh that's the life!" Uh...not really. LOL I would not be a happy wife with a husband like that.


i think what he meant about having the life was the wife, not living as the husband was.

a lot of us men didnt have a wife who gave 2 sh!ts or did anything, let alone what she was doing.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

lovesherman said:


> Threads that promote women or men bashing are full of generalizations that people make from their own unhappy experiences. They take a survey of themselves and extend that perception to half of the human race.


Being competitive is not an evil trait and observing that it does exist isn't sexist. Female competition was a necessary fact developed over millions of years because neither women nor their offspring could really survive without a man. They had to compete for mating privileges. We don't erase evolutionary history with 40 years of women's lib.


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

What do women want? well do you really care what ALL women want or just the one that your losing/lost

well if it's it's just that special one then the answer is simple.
what does she want? not you. not the way things are.

next question. look at the issues, are they fixable? are they worth fixing? is the relationship worth the work? dig deep and you will find your answers.

remember many relationships are savable it's just alot of hard work. it takes focus,dedication, honesty, commitment, and loyalty. if you are able to fix the issues and can reconnect with the most important thing (honest communication) then you will be a happy couple. but all the hard work must be done and it takes two people.

this will make you stronger and you will gain self respect. trust me I have and my battle is just beginning. 

I wish you the best and hope you find what you are looking for


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

I think most women would want someone who isn't comparing them to their ex all the time. 
It sometimes sounds like you are still very much hung up on your ex, and spending a lot of time thinking about her....pining for the love that you lost with her. 

Stop thinking about her, and look around ...there is soooooo much more out there.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Mine wants it to be all about her. She wants to be a lightning rod for attention, recognition and praise. Ambition and selfishness rule, and love, or at least love for me, is absent. I wish her the very best in her unfortunately shallow life. I say this out of concern, not resentment, as I still care about her dearly.

But... as for what women want in general? Who the hell knows. If I knew, I'd be rich. I just hope to fine someone who feels that the person she wants is me.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

I just wanted to be happy, to feel loved, wanted, respected,cherished, desired, protected and supported.

I wanted him to feel for me the way I felt for him
I wanted him to love me forever
I wanted him to appreciate everything I did for him
I wanted him to stay faithful

He didn't do any of it.. Now I feel like I will be alone for the rest of my life, because I am unloveable..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Starting,
You are not unloveable, if he was able to do that to the most special woman in his life, he will do that to all other women. Besides, like my friend says wouldn't you rather be a little miserable in the short run to find long term happiness? We will both get through this mess.


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## SilverPanther (Feb 2, 2012)

I was amused that the first page of this thread was mostly men responding with their bitter viewpoint of what women want. 

I think women, and men, tend to want what they don't have, to an extent. I think if you are not careful, that temptation exists. The person who adores isn't nearly as interesting as the person who *could* adore you. THat doesn't make it at all right to keep jumping from person to person, just because they seem more interesting.

For my part I just want to be loved by someone I love in return. Seems simple doesn't it? Has *never* happened to me. I either love them, or they love me, but never found a viable love-sharing situation. Im beginning to think it's an impossibility for me.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

For me I want the person I love, to return the love for me. For better or worse, not for worse, but until I drop 60lbs and look better than I leave you. 

I want to cuddle with someone, and want them to cuddle with me. I want to go to a Baseball game and have a beer with her. My wife was never into sports.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> For me I want the person I love, to return the love for me. For better or worse, not for worse, but until I drop 60lbs and look better than I leave you.
> 
> I want to cuddle with someone, and want them to cuddle with me. I want to go to a Baseball game and have a beer with her. My wife was never into sports.


Ahh yes... CUDDLES.. I miss them, although I get beautiful cuddles from my daughter, I miss a big strong arm around me, I also miss kissing... Although they both dwindled some time ago (when he checked out of our marriage and got them elsewhere) I hope I can experience the warmth of them again one day..

Proud.. Thanks. I know you are right, I just don't feel it right now.. 

12 days till the decree nici is issued... /
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I had a heartbreak in 2001 that destroyed me. Granted we weren't married, so it wasn't as devastating as what you are going through, but it was my first love. The first time I loved and was loved back. It was intense and amazing and it was over in 9 months. We had been friends for 4 years prior but because of some bull**** (cheating on his part, lying on my part, doormatism on my part....lots of dysfunction) I broke up with him. Hardest thing I ever did. It was like something died inside of me and I spiraled into a depression that lasted almost 2 years. 

A friend of mine snapped me out of it with some strong words and tough love and I started to build myself back up.

I dated other people, some for a long period of time, but...I was sure I'd never love again--- not like that. 

Then I got word that he was getting married in 2007. October. I was happy for him but didn't call  or contact. It gave me some closure and I was able to move on.

I met my husband in December of 2007. It is no coincidence that I met him and was able to fall in love...I was open and I had no other man taking space inside.

6 years I lived a superficial life. It was fun but I had no real feelings...not like I knew I could have them. Not like I knew I didn't want to settle until i found. I just felt for sure that I would grow old alone, with people for company and good sex.

But then I met Hubs and he blew my mind. It went beyond what I've ever felt for anyone in my life. It doesn't even compare to what I had before. 

My point is, I hear a lot of people on here hoping that someday they'll find someone again...that they'll be in love again...and it may seem like a long time before that can happen. I mean, it took me 6 years. But it happened. And it will happen for all of you too.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

That Girl,

Think about it.

You had to be open for it to happen.

Anyone here who is currently Plan B should read your words and really really digest them.

And, that means you Proud.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Conrad,
Over loud and clear, I read ThatGirl's words a few times....you have to be open for love in order for love to find you again. However, I've realized (painfully) that I have to trust myself, love myself again, realize that I'm loveable, before I can be loved again by others.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

proudwidaddy said:


> Conrad,
> Over loud and clear, I read ThatGirl's words a few times....you have to be open for love in order for love to find you again. However, I've realized (painfully) that I have to trust myself, love myself again, realize that I'm loveable, before I can be loved again by others.


Get to therapy - tomorrow.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> Conrad,
> Over loud and clear, I read ThatGirl's words a few times....you have to be open for love in order for love to find you again. However, I've realized (painfully) that I have to trust myself, love myself again, realize that I'm loveable, before I can be loved again by others.


That's part of it. You have to let go of your ex, in your mind and your heart. Check out ThatGirl's post again, about having no one else taking up space inside. 

As you work on yourself, and with time well spent, you'll get to a better place as an individual. This is a prerequisite to being open to loving someone else, and letting them love you.

We'll get there, Proud. I still have my rough days when I feel down, sad and I miss my ex, but the difference now is that I know this is ok and just part of the process. These moments are less intense, painful and frequent. One of ways I know I'm making progress. You will too.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Perhaps the #1 thing I've learned from this experience is that you can never love anybody too much (more than yourself). It's a self-defeating attitude and although those we love so much appreciate it in the beginning, it works against us later on. 

I feel women want to be loved, respected and appreciated. They want someone who can make them laugh. A lot of times you can't get all you that you want. 

In my case the #1 thing I demanded in a relationship was loyalty. It' so important to me. Perhaps is because I have been betrayed in previous relationships. 

What is the #1 thing for you? And do you guys feel whoever is in your life needs to give you all you want or is it ok with something is missing?


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

Well I'm a woman...
What do I want in my marriage? I want to feel like I'm married to a man, not a little girl.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

The #1 thing for me is loyalty as well; someone that will be there with me during the rough times, and not just abandon ship or give up too easily. That's what my stbxw did, she didn't stay and fight. 

Through this whole process so far I've learned a lot more about me that I didn't know was possible, I've become even better of a father because I have to maximize the time I have with my kids. 

The hardest thing is that I'm trying to not be too hard on myself, realize this is not all my fault.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Lifescript said:


> What is the #1 thing for you? And do you guys feel whoever is in your life needs to give you all you want or is it ok with something is missing?


There's fantasy and reality. Fantasy, in my opinion, is expecting another person can be your everything, without anything missing. If you go into a new relationship with that expectation you will be disappointed and never truly happy or comfortable. You might also be looking for another person to meet your needs, which will only lead to "nice guy" territory. Been there, done that, *never* again. Of course it's ok if something is missing, as long as it's not a deal-breaker.

It's healthier to get to know and discover someone new slowly. Don't go into it with a checklist. I have a new mindset as I move forward from my failed marriage. I'm not looking to have needs met, but rather, I'm looking for qualities I like, values I share and/or respect, and some chemistry. Needing some things from another person, such as support and trust is one thing. Making another person your everything (and needing the same) is quite another.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

ProfJ: I hear you. 

Proudwidaddy: Loyalty is the most important to me as well. If you're loyal to me I'll go to war for you. This is what really ended killing my love for my wife when I saw that she diminished what I had done for her, augmented my shortcomings which really where no big deal but I always went along with what she said. This painful experiences will make us all better people. I struggled blaming myself in the beginning. Someone told me us men are wired to fix problems and always try to find blame in us for the problems around us. 

Canguy: Agree with being better to get to know someone new slowly. Also I think it's best to not jump into another relationship right away. Looking for qualities instead of needs to be met is smart. Like it.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Script,

I suggest you read up on hypergamy.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Script,
> 
> I suggest you read up on hypergamy.


Agreed, could be part of your situation.

I think that's part of why my wife left. With her it's all about career and ambition. I am happy to put in a good day's work, and then I enjoy my leisure time and walks. Although the says she doesn't not want another relationship, I think she might if the next guy is more her speed, has more ambition, money, etc. 

In any case... 1) it still sucks, but less, and 2) I know deep down that we are both better off.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

@Can,
I like your attitude of realizing it's over, and it's the best for each other. 

I feel the same way, I realize it's best for us to NOT be together anymore. She changed, and I've had to change now because of that. I'm not a doormat anymore.

I'm also going to focus on qualities first, not needs. I've been accuesed by some on this board (and rightly so) of being needy. I need to be able to make myself happy first if I'm going to be happy.

I'm looking forward to getting to know myself more, become a better father, and stick with getting in better shape.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Conrad: I think because my wife has always suffered from low self esteem, not feeling good about herself she always looked for someone who she thought was in a way better than her to make her feel special. This was me. I fullfilled that role in the beginning but then things changed. She would accused me of not getting ahead in life when I finished school and she's still going. It was crazy the things she accused me of. In many ways she accused me of things she was doing to me. Crazy. 

Canguy: I think when women start hanging around with other women they start comparing what they have. Who's husband is a manager, VP, exect in what company. Who does what. (Ladies please don't kill me I know women are not all the same but I see a lot of them are like this). I know that my relationship with my wife started to suffer when she started hanging out with her new group of friends. I saw a text from her now best friend telling her I wasn't good enough for her.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Lifescript: Remember that it is not that you are not good enough for her, it's HER that is not good enough for you. The marriage vows are for better or worse, not for better and better and better.

This will turn out to be a blessing for you, it will just take some time to get there.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Proudwidaddy: I sincerely hope we both end up better. I have no negative feelings or wishes for her. 

Right now I'm focused on making myself better (fitness, me time, learning, etc) and be the best dad I can.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

@Life,
You are better than me, because I still have resentment and bitterness towards her, I know that I need to release that in order to fully heal. However, I just don't want her to be happy right now while I'm still trying to get better.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Proud: I know deep down I still love my wife. God, it's so hard to just let go and that's why I wish her nothing bad but yeah I guess I would enjoy to know that she realized she was wrong, cried some. But I wouldn't want her to be in a sad state for a long period of time mainly because it would affect our son. If we had no child, then my attitude would probably be different.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Lifescript said:


> Canguy: I think when women start hanging around with other women they start comparing what they have. Who's husband is a manager, VP, exect in what company. Who does what. (Ladies please don't kill me I know women are not all the same but I see a lot of them are like this). I know that my relationship with my wife started to suffer when she started hanging out with her new group of friends. I saw a text from her now best friend telling her I wasn't good enough for her.


Possibly. In my case my ex had 2 coworkers and a friend leave their husbands within months of each other. She spent time with one of these women who has given me her reasons why she left her husband. A month later my wife gives me the exact same reasons, nearly word for word. 

Maybe there was some estrogen synergy going on there? The grass-is-greener syndrome? For the record... of her co-workers, I've heard one is now lonely and still single while her ex has a new woman. The other turned to a new religion and is with a new man of the same religion. The friend is with the new man she cheated with, who also left his family to be with her. Talk about destruction.

I do hope my ex is happy. I don't feel she's truly processed the separation, and despite needing an IC, I don't think she's even bothered. No longer my concern, but I do with her peace and the very best in life, and I wish myself no less.


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## 6foot5 (Jun 15, 2011)

My stbxw wanted me to think like her , do things her way , never disagree with her on anything , have no friends (except those of hers) , have no hobby , report to her every 10 minutes , go to the funeral for only 1hr , drive her around all day on my days off , buy her flowers but only when she would want them otherwise if I bought them for no reason , I would be suspected of something .Under no circumstances I could buy perfume or lingerie for her as I would be instantly accused of sleeping with another woman , who wears either one of those ( sick isnt it ? ) , 8 beers a month made me an alcoholic , why did I spent $280 on gas this month while last month was only $260 ? The list could go on and on and on , but at the end of the day no matter how great I was ,I still ended up not being good enough :scratchhead: and instead of eating dinner I had to scrape it off my car


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Lifescript said:


> Conrad: I think because my wife has always suffered from low self esteem, not feeling good about herself she always looked for someone who she thought was in a way better than her to make her feel special. This was me. I fullfilled that role in the beginning but then things changed. She would accused me of not getting ahead in life when I finished school and she's still going. It was crazy the things she accused me of. In many ways she accused me of things she was doing to me. Crazy.


Did you ever hear of the term "projection"

People accuse others of that which is foremost in their own minds.

It's a reflection on them, not you.


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## fraid4kat (Feb 2, 2012)

Everybody has lists of traits, qualities, etc that they are looking for in a mate, but there are a few core qualities that are the foundation. Trust, respect, honesty.... so that trust doesn't become an issue, the ability to balance each others differing personalities rather than compete, belittle, ignore or control each persons differences.....oh and a good dose of chemistry, compromise and friendship doesn't hurt either.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I think when your women hang out with other women they worry about these things.

And I think that stems from already not feeling secure or happy in a relationship.


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## MeetVirginia (Feb 17, 2012)

My man broke on his own, I didnt want him broken. When he broke our connection was severed. Im not looking for a challenge. Im not even looking for a new man. Im trying to heal and see if things can be fixed. I keep going back to the song "Man in the Mirror" by MJ. I am taking a look at myself, trying to be happy and then maybe that can help to make my marriage happy again. I believe he is trying to do the same thing. I understand the contempt you have for women who just dump their husbands bc they are tired of them, but not all of us are like that.


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

What would I like in a future relationship?

A man who I can admire, respect and trust, who I can be proud of and say 'That's my husband/partner'.

A man who cherishes and respects me and makes me feel like I'm the only woman for him.

A positive, gentle man who deals with stress well and who doesn't blame everyone else when life throws challenges at them (before my most recent relationship I would never have put that at the top of my list, but now I realise how vitally important that is).

Jen


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Right now I'd settle for not being someone's emotional punch bag
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

[email protected] said:


> Right now I'd settle for not being someone's emotional punch bag
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then don't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

canguy66 said:


> Then don't.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


ditto


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Proud 
It will take you time to realize that you picked the wrong woman. Your picker was off. That's the good news. You may have ignored red flags or indications of incomparability or she was good at hiding them. This time around you need to date 10 women to get enough of a sample to decide what you want. Don't take the first woman who shows an interest in you. 

The best thing to do is make sure you know what you want, be willing to walk away if it is not working, dont settle out of fear that the right woman will not come along. You'll probably meet many incompatable woman let them go and move on. Women are not evil, some people are crazy, about 50% of them are women. 

Learn the signs of a crazy women, they hide it well but if you know what to look for they won't fool you. Simply put, normal women will usually want to go a little slower that you want, they will show an interest in who you are not what you have, they will have a car and a stable job, they will take you around thier friends and family, they won't dazzle you by giving you every thing you want a day after you meet. If fitness is important to you beware of the woman who joined a gym a month before dating, she may develop a lifelong habit but maybe not. 

Read books on the nature of women in general and people as individuals. Heal your negativity because you will attract a negative woman.. Take it slow and make no promises. Listen to your gut and watch how she treats others, She will treat you the same way. that 's all in can think of and I know, I am a women. I have seen nice guys stick by women who are not worthy of them. Having bounderies will help avoid them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

I really like what you posted, Catherine. 

Proud, to add, made sure you may attention to the tips in the "No More Mr. Nice Guy!" book. The author outlines the type of nice guys and the needs they look to fill yet remain unhappy. Don't fall into those traps. This isn't being paranoid. When you're strong enough, it will simply mean being aware.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Can - I noticed there are very few relationship books for men that are geared towards how to look for a good woman. If you notice the books are geared towards how to please women. That's good but you have to find the right one first.

Books for women are exactly the opposite. I think men should read the books for women. They are as applicable in general to men as they are for women. 

If a guy does not want to be seen buying them, order them as ebooks online. No one will see what he is reading and won't think he is a girly man. ;}
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Can - I noticed there are very few relationship books for men that are geared towards how to look for a good woman. If you notice the books are geared towards how to please women. That's good but you have to find the right one first.
> 
> Books for women are exactly the opposite. I think men should read the books for women. They are as applicable in general to men as they are for women.
> 
> ...


That's good to know... can you recommend a couple?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

The rules book is a big seller. I never read it but I've heard that it is a good for finding out what you need to know about a person before getting serious. You can adjust for a man but I think it works the same for men and women. 
The Real Rules: How to Find the Right Man for the Real You*
Barbara De Angelis (Author)

How To Meet The Right Woman: A Five-Step Strategy That Really Works*
Roger Ratcliff (Author)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Catherine I agree with parts of your statement, when my stbxw and I got together at first my picker was right on. We mimiced each others pace of what we wanted out of life. Its tough because the womam she was, I would've put her up against anyone in the world. She gave me the two best children in the world. She was a once in a lifetime, I really did feel like I won the lottery.

That being said over the last year of our marriage I ignored red flags that others have since told me they saw. It was out of fear of divorce, lonliness, etc that I didn't see them for what they were. I was a complete idiot for doing that, and I beat myself up for it daily. Its tough because my daughter reminds me of my stbxw in so many ways. Sometimes just looking at her can trigger me.

I used to be the biggest champion of marriage and long term relationships, but I've been broken at the very core. I have trust issues that I'm afraid the next woman will not want to deal with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> I used to be the biggest champion of marriage and long term relationships, but I've been broken at the very core. I have trust issues that I'm afraid the next woman will not want to deal with.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's not up to the next woman to deal with anything. It's up to you to deal with your issues. If you don't, you'll enter your next relationship being needy again.

Heal thyself. You know what to do by now. It'll just take some time, and that's ok.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Can you are right, I have to heal myself. I have to trust myself first I guess. I just wish I didn't have these trust issues anymore
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chocolategeek (Mar 8, 2012)

Not all women compare their husbands with their friends' men. I had a friend like that, and she was so insecure with herself and her life that she ruined our friendship. I cut her off. 

What I want in a man is inner strength (no wimps), faith, loyalty, dependability. It also helps a lot if we have the same sense of humor, and if we have the same perception of things in life. We don't have to agree about everything 100%, but know in our hearts how to treat the other with love and respect.


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## LauraF (Apr 8, 2012)

I want it all, baby.
Love, fidelity, great sex, and much more. Not enough time to list it all.
its not something you can pick off a list.
either some guy will one day be perfect for me, or i will live by myself and that will be that.
i dont want an inbetweener.


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## LauraF (Apr 8, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> The rules book is a big seller. I never read it but I've heard that it is a good for finding out what you need to know about a person before getting serious. You can adjust for a man but I think it works the same for men and women.
> The Real Rules: How to Find the Right Man for the Real You*
> Barbara De Angelis (Author)
> 
> ...


barbara de angelis is currently on her fifth freaking husband. You cant be seriously be promoting her book.

And the rules are notorious for being a bit stiff in the gender department. "Stop being a creature of mystery and he will fall out of love." nice.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Oops didn't know that. I just saw it was a popular book. I'm not in the dating game so did not pay much attention to the story behind the story. 

SimplyAmorous where are you when we need you. Can you make any suggestions.? She has a recording memory of books. An excellent resource.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LauraF (Apr 8, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Oops didn't know that. I just saw it was a popular book. I'm not in the dating game so did not pay much attention to the story behind the story.
> 
> SimplyAmorous where are you when we need you. Can you make any suggestions.? She has a recording memory of books. An excellent resource.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I heard awesome things about "rebuilding when your relationship ends" by bruce fisher.
Anybody read that?

Didnt mean to come on that strong, catherine, and shut you up like that. barbara deangelis used to be married to the author of the "men are from mars" book, can you believe it?
i just think shes full of it so thats why i said that
sorry ;-)


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

No problem Laura. I googled her. Unbelievable. Lesson - these so called experts are taken at face value and exert a large and many times negative influence on relationships between men and women. They promote how different we are not how our differences are perfectly matched. . 

Message to self - do your homework! The most popular ones are probably the most useless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LauraF (Apr 8, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> No problem Laura. I googled her. Unbelievable. Lesson - these so called experts are taken at face value and exert a large and many times negative influence on relationships between men and women. They promote how different we are not how our differences are perfectly matched. .
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Couldnt have said it better in a million years.
There are also some authors on infidelity who promote healing but admit they would leave their spouse in a heartbeat themselves if it ever came to that.
crazy, huh?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

LauraF said:


> Didnt mean to come on that strong, catherine, and shut you up like that. barbara deangelis used to be married to the author of the "men are from mars" book, can you believe it?
> i just think shes full of it so thats why i said that
> sorry ;-)


Um just don't let my husband get wind of how to shut me up. Promise? : /
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LauraF (Apr 8, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Um just don't let my husband get wind of how to shut me up. Promise? : /
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Aw, kiddo, never; you're too awesome


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

LauraF said:


> And the rules are notorious for being a bit stiff in the gender department. "Stop being a creature of mystery and he will fall out of love." nice.


Personally, I don't want a "creature of mystery". 

I want a relationship with no bs (or at least very little), great communication, affection, respecting some individual alone time, fun and frequent sex, actually feeling like I'm making love, someone with a witty/goofy sense of humour, with a love of travel, who likes spur of the moments road trips... there's quite a list, but it can all be summed up as chemistry. After that, you can learn to try new things, or just respect your individual differences.

Man... I am not ready to date yet, but I'm getting there.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Proud, here's an example of moving forward. This morning I saw my wife in her car driving to work (at an intersection and I don't think she saw me). We had snow last night here, and she parks her car outside at new apartment building. However, her car was completely clean of any snow. Of course, my mind wanders and I figure she stayed at some guy's house last night and he had a garage. This paranoia hit me while I was already in a low point. I did my grocery shopping feeling unsettled, and got back home having composed myself. 

I am tempted to send her a message asking if it's over between us (a month ago she said "don't know - still undecided"), and to see of there is someone else now, as I suspect. But this is a choice, isn't it?

I choose to work through the moment, to remember why I am better off not being with her, and remember the person she's become. As much as part of my would love to be with her again, there is no point resuming anything, and I do deserve better. This morning, moving forward means walking into a very strong headwind, but I refuse to let it push me back.

Being strong doesn't mean you've dealt with feelings of your failed marriage. Being strong means you're *dealing with* those feelings and pushing forward, despite the down times, the sad times and the roller coaster rides. I think as "dumpees" we face more of those than our wayward spouses. 

In your case especially, it's about rebuilding and recognizing your self-worth as an individual, post-divorce. That will no doubt make you a better potential boyfriend/partner/husband.

On a bright note, a cute woman at the grocery store kept looking over at me and smiling, which made me feel good.


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## chocolategeek (Mar 8, 2012)

canguy66 said:


> Proud, here's an example of moving forward. This morning I saw my wife in her car driving to work (at an intersection and I don't think she saw me). We had snow last night here, and she parks her car outside at new apartment building. However, her car was completely clean of any snow. Of course, my mind wanders and I figure she stayed at some guy's house last night and he had a garage. This paranoia hit me while I was already in a low point. I did my grocery shopping feeling unsettled, and got back home having composed myself.
> 
> I am tempted to send her a message asking if it's over between us (a month ago she said "don't know - still undecided"), and to see of there is someone else now, as I suspect. But this is a choice, isn't it?
> 
> ...


Canguy, I can so relate to your feelings. I used to get crazy paranoid whenever I saw my ex but in the end I just had to keep pushing forward.


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

[email protected] said:


> I just wanted to be happy, to feel loved, wanted, respected,cherished, desired, protected and supported.
> 
> I wanted him to feel for me the way I felt for him
> I wanted him to love me forever
> ...


This is exactly what I wanted but I will add, I wanted someone who would tell me when they were unhappy and allow me the opportunity to work on it. I was not a great wife early on because of my own brokeness but I worked really hard and fixed a lot. He turned away and had an 8 yr lta and then left me. He never gave my son and I a chance to have a real whole family. 
I forgave him 2 times for cheating with her, I supported him through a businesss failing, major irs debt, which was his fault, a major illness. He refuses to forgive me for a bad sex life in the past and being insecure and controlling mostly due to his affair. I want a husband who isn't self-absorbed and is accepting and forgiving.


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