# Is Semi-Happiness a good reason to consider leaving?



## mocha_swirl_girl (Jan 1, 2012)

Is Semi-Happiness a good reason to consider leaving a marriage?

I’ve been with my husband 7 years, almost married for 4. 

Things are ok – but only ok….Vanilla is what I would say it is – but not bad!

My husband is a good man. Loyal, patient, kind. 

But I’ve been having some issues for the past few years that make me strongly consider leaving him. I think about it all of the time – only recently at the advice of a friend have I actually spent time researching it. 

The issues:

- I can’t remember when the last time I was taken on a date. I take him places to o things I know he’ll enjoy in hopes that he will do the same. I’ve been asking to go bowling now for a year. He finally told me he doesn’t want to go bowling because he thinks its too socially awkward to just bowl with two people – but he won’t initiate an outing with friends or come up with a different idea.

- We have a very steady relationship routine. He resists change. I feel bored in our relationship and have been respectfully vocal about how I feel. 

- We rarely have sex – and before we do, he has a pre-sex routine. No spontaneity at all. It’s killing me. 

- Recently, I’ve caught him trying to make potentially life-changing decisions without considering how I would feel about it. Example – we’re having fertility issues (stopped trying because we can’t get along), he doesn’t believe in fertility treatments and wont negotiate and changing job locations that are vastly different to where we are currently located.

- There is a possibility that my husband has Aspersers – At first his autistic like tendencies were kind of a joke between us. He’s an awkward guy but we make it work. Lately, his socially awkward tendencies have been rubbing me the wrong way. If this is the case – it would really explain a lot. He has no regard to my feelings at all, but I’ve never gotten the feeling that he’s doing it on purpose. He’s just so aloof and disconnected.

- Early in our relationship my husband was focused on graduate school – and so I spent a lot of time alone. Then he graduated and we were meant to move back home, but then he was offered a small job that would not support us both. He stayed and I went home. Shortly after our jobs kept us a part from each other for a full year. I feel we’ve not bounced back from this. 

- I expected our relationship to really bloom now that graduate school is out of the way and we are finally living in the same area – but its just flat. 

I feel like I’ve lost my pep somewhere along the way. He’s so nice and kind - BUT – there is no spark and passion.

If I left I feel like this would CRUSH him because he seems oblivious (despite me verbalizing my unhappiness) to the situation. 

It’s not like anything changed. He’s been the same since we got together. Why do I need more now?

I’ve mentioned counseling, he said yes – but I honestly don’t think he can change. I need more – I’m constantly dying of thirst in this relationship.

Is semi-happiness an ok reason to consider leaving a marriage?


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## turtleshell (Jan 1, 2012)

Sounds to me you have outlined very good reasons to go your separate ways especially as you have no children. But I guess you
might like to write a list of reasons why you married in the first place.


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## Red_Dolphin (Dec 27, 2011)

My advice is, if you want to make the marriage work and he has agreed to counseling, then go. 

You'll never know if it works until you try.


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## mocha_swirl_girl (Jan 1, 2012)

I'm so out of it, I dont even remember why we got married. 

I guess it was the logical next step. He was so kind and stable, that he seemed like a nice choice as a husband. 

It will be interesting to see what a therapist says...if we make it that far. I talk regularly and openly about how I feel about things. Im not sure if the husband will take the initiative to set it up or just let things stay the way they are. 


He is unwilling to fight for anything - even a mistake on a bill. I dont think he will fight for me to stay. It's sad to think about. 

Im not sure I want to try to fix this but the thought of leaving is so daunting. I grow more and more unhappy by the day. This is an awful cycle.


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## Red_Dolphin (Dec 27, 2011)

If you truly believe that he may have a medical condition (Asperger's), then maybe you should suggest him seeking some guidance with that and getting a diagnosis. 

Once he is diagnosed (if he is) with Aspergers or something else, it will help you understand his behavior.

He sounds like he doesn't like confrontation and it could even be intimidating to him (he won't say anything about a mistake on a bill). 

This could be the result of some medical condition. 

Features of many diagnosis on the autism spectrum is failing to show emotions, be aware of others emotions/feelings, and having a set routine they dont like changing.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I am a true believer that we make our own happiness. You can move on and find yourself in the same situation or you can make lemonaid out of lemons.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Happiness is such a fleeting emotion. It comes and goes and really means nothing. Are you satisfied? There are plenty of people who want what you got. Either appreciate it or don't but be warned the grass is NOT greener on the other side...


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