# Another emotional affair?



## wonderingwife (Nov 24, 2009)

I really will try to make this short. Dh and I have been married just over 20 yrs. We married young.... 19 and 21. He has always been the "extorvert", I'm an "introvert" in some ways. I can be very open and friendly, depending on my self esteem at the time. 

Dh says he's a Christian, knows the bible like his own hand, loves our 3 kids, super great father and husband. About 3 yrs. ago I was always so tired from working and kids activities, we agreed I'd stay home and me a SAHM. 

Long story short....he has lots and lots of friendships, both male and female. Every once in a while he'll keep one or two a secret because of my "jealousy issues." I feel I get jealous or insecure when I discover the secret. 

He talks on the phone, I'm sure he's texting even though I have no proof, and at one time, emailed a person about once a week.

This last one, started in June. He would email her at times but never in front of me. He would call her about every 2-3 days, calls would last about 15 mins. He commutes an hour each way everyday, so plenty of phone time. She works w/in his office so he sees her from time to time. When I found out, all hell broke lose and I threatened to call the marriage quits. Only because this is not the first time. So...he quit communicating w/ her. 
One night I couldn't sleep so I opened up his email. Nothing unusual until I checked the "trash" bin. He had mis typed her email address so it bounced back and he trashed it. He had typed:

"I just wanted to say, I miss talking to you and texting you. I hope you don't hate me in anyway."

That was it. I couldn't confront him because than he'd know I have his password. 
One day when we were arguing I brought it in general...or "matter of factly", he denied it. 
He says, he fears the Lord, fears going to hell, would never cheat on me, loves me more than life, but has friends and I have issues with jealousy. He says they are nothing more than friends. 
Our sex life and other marriage aspects are fine, it's just his "secret" phone calls and texting that drive me crazy.

This past week I discovered he called her and they talked for 11 mins. He will only call her at work from his cellphone, I'm guessing so he can tell me it was "work related."

I know in my heart there has been no physical cheating, but the "secrets" make me feel betrayed. His dishonesty hurts. And no...there's no talking to him, or resolving this. It's always the same argument, so I give up confronting him. And counseling for us....out of the question. He says only prayer, fasting, and God can help us. 

I'm at the point of bitterness and resentment. My youngest has 2 yrs. left in high school, after that, I see no point in continuing my marriage.

I have told him I want to be married to a friend, someone I know loves me like no other, and I want to feel the same way, I want to feel close to my partner, unconditional love...etc.
There has to be someone out there like this right? Is "mr. right" out there somewhere for me?

Thanks for any advice~~~


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

From your post I cannot determine for sure if this is an EA or not. While secret phone calls are generally an indication of an EA if you have severe "jealousy issues" I could understand a certain amount of cloaked behavior in order to "protect you" or follow his own needs for social engagement. I don't find emailing someone weekly out of line either. His 15 minute 2 or 3 contacts could be read either as an EA or just a friendship. Again if he knows you will be jealous over any outside relationship he will likely minimize exposure.

EA or not, there is a problem as this has caused quite a rift between the two of you to the point you are ready to leave the marriage. I am of faith and must disagree with your husband's view that God will fix it all. He gave us the brains and soul to make decisions, determine right and wrong and choose our own path. I do not believe all is in his hands and predestined. There is a significant problem in your marriage that could derail it. I would suggest the two of you have a discussion on boundaries, his and yours. The conversation needs to be open and understanding of both of your needs and there needs to be some flexibility.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

The "I didn't tell you because you would take it wrong" is a HUGE red flag. If there was nothing to take wrong, there would be no need for secrecy. Two exact emails: one done in secrecy the other out in the open are a WORLD apart in what they say. 

In a commited marriage you don't sneak behind your spouses back to communicate w/ members of the opposite sex. Even IF it's innocent. But if it's done in secrecy, it's NOT innocent.

I'm starting to take this stuff personally, even when it has nothing to do with me.


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## wonderingwife (Nov 24, 2009)

Yes, I see both points of view. He keeps it a secret because I get jealous, I get jealous because of the secrets. It's a vicious cycle we have tried talking about...for almost 10 years now. 

The last time this happened it was w/ a coworker about 15 yrs. older than us. Started it just fine, typical work related phone calls, than I would see the bill and they would talk for almost the entire 1 hour of commute, she commuted to another town. They'd talk ALOT, I mean hours and hours a month. He said it was about work, her problems, marital advice, christian advice, etc. I even contacted her and had "words" with her. She kept apologizing and saying he was just a good friend.
When I had just had enough, I contacted a lawyer, showed dh the business card, and told him we were through.
So dh stopped all contact......that was 5 yrs. ago.

This is why I have issues. So when he hides stuff like this...I feel betrayed. 

His other emails to her, which one he accidentally forwarded to me was so twisted it was stupid. He turned a whole situation around about our neighbors house being broken into, he basically made himself look like a hero when in fact all he did was give the neighbor a ride to her home. I called the police, I gave directions, descriptions, etc. But not once in the email did he mention me....it was like he did all this and more. When I confronted him, he was embarrassed and he said it was just "small talk", not important. 

At my age, I just want to be able to feel in love, to have trust, and to be comfortable w/ my mate. At this point, I don't.

I have told him, time and time again, if you're not doing anything wrong, than talk to her in front of me like you do all your other female coworkers. But not once has he ever done this.


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