# Friend Dilemma



## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

So I am majorly stressing. I will try to condense this, but I need help making a decision on what to do.

My lifelong best friend is getting married. She is marrying a man outside of our country, and their entire relationship has been nothing but drama. His family hates her, and us Americans. Her family hates him and his family, because they are planning on moving to the other country after marriage and they feel like they are losing their daughter. No real reason to hate. Just culture clashing. His family does NOT speak English.

She is currently living there, and trying to plan the wedding for here. But is getting no support from either side of the family. 

My husband and I, have had a family vacation planned for over a year now. Our entire family is meeting together in December. (Aunts, cousins, grandparents) I told my friend when we originally talked about wedding planning months and months ago which weekend my vacation was and told her I could not be there that date, but any other of the 51 weekends a year would be fine. That was fine. Her wedding was going to be next year.

I am a bridesmaid. She was my Maid of Honor.

Well in the last 2 weeks, she has just now decided to get married in December instead of the spring. That's right, next month! She just now picked her colors, and I had to hurriedly order my dress. Only one style was able to come in, in time. Of course the most expensive one.

Then she had me buy all the supplies for the invitations, and then the next day decided to go with something else. So I wasted my money. (Going to try to take them back)

She has changed the wedding date 3 times. And just changed it again to the exact weekend of my vacation! 

Apparently that was the only weekend his entire family could come. 

So now I am stuck. I either have to miss my best friend's wedding, or I have to skip my vacation. And not only me, but my husband would then have to skip too. And my parents, and the rest of my family will be sad. It is the first family vacations in several years, and my husband has never met that side of the family.

She is a very inconsiderate person and only thinks of herself. She is so fickle, and changes her mind so often I never believe her. She cancels plans last minute, borrows money and doesn't return, etc. I'm hoping she will change the date again, but I don't think so. Flights have been booked, etc.

Everyone just always caters to her wants, and I feel like for ONCE she needs to have some consequences. 

I am currently leaning towards just going on vacation as planned. The dress I bought is just a total waste. Gr. But does that make me a horrible best friend? Will I regret it always? I'm sad I won't have that memory of seeing my best friend get married. 

But dang it, I'm tired of her treating me like a door mat. 

What would you do?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why is she your best friend? If that's the best you can do...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Since she was already aware of your vacation plans, and changed the date a few times, I think you are well within your rights to tell her you can't make it now that she has changed the date to the specific one you told her that you wouldn't be able to make.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

PBear said:


> Why is she your best friend? If that's the best you can do...
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I ask myself that all the time... 

I use "best friend" lightly. Our friendship is very one sided. She is not the "best" to me. But I still consider her that. Mostly just sentimental I think though.

Honestly I see her twice her year when she comes home from her world travels. I expect nothing from her, and don't ask anything from her. She isn't a friend you can count on.

I do have other great friends, who don't take advantage of me!


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## Bob Davis (Nov 5, 2014)

Don't give up the plans you've had for a year. Send her your regrets. It may be "a consequence" but you are entirely within rights and reason to stick with your original plans.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I think your thoughts are correct in you keeping your vacation with husband and family.

I have seen friendships like the one you are describing. She is doing damage to those that love her and honestly I don't give her marriage a good chance.

Go with your family vacation. If she is a real friend, enjoy visiting her later in life with her husband, if he is still there.

Your H and family are seriously more important than your friend in any case.

I had the privilege of officiating one of my best friends' weddings and he made everything as easy as possible on me and everyone involved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

To be clear we both had REALLY bad childhoods. We were the only friend that each other had. The only person I've told about my abuse, and the only person she has told about her abuse. (Outside of her family, and therapists.) She knows more than my own husband does. We have always supported each other, and been there. That is why I consider her my best friend. 

But she treats me poorly. Not on purpose, it's just how she is. She is entitled, and selfish. Always has been. In the past I've dealt with it, or turned her down. 

This is just so important though. I'm scared I will regret it.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> I have seen friendships like the one you are describing. She is doing damage to those that love her and honestly I don't give her marriage a good chance.



Funny you said that. My husband knows how she treats me and can't stand her.

Last night he told me, "Don't worry. I'm sure she'll get married again, you can go to that one."


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

CW,

I would just stick with this: 

If I really AM your best friend, why did you pick the ONE week of the whole year that I cannot come? At some level I honestly don't feel that we have the same definition of best friend. 

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And then if she tries to guilt you, I would add: Right now we are both upset. I hope our friendship survives this disaster, but if not I wish you the best. 








TheCuriousWife said:


> So I am majorly stressing. I will try to condense this, but I need help making a decision on what to do.
> 
> My lifelong best friend is getting married. She is marrying a man outside of our country, and their entire relationship has been nothing but drama. His family hates her, and us Americans. Her family hates him and his family, because they are planning on moving to the other country after marriage and they feel like they are losing their daughter. No real reason to hate. Just culture clashing. His family does NOT speak English.
> 
> ...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Tell her you're sorry you'll miss the wedding.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

MEM11363 said:


> CW,
> 
> I would just stick with this:
> 
> ...


I have already told her she makes me want to tear my hair out!

She isn't guilting me. She knows I may not come, and she is fine with whatever I decide.

I'm just sad I'll miss it. 

I know why she had to pick that date. It was the only date the groom's sister could come. I get it. They chose family over friends, So surely she will understand when I CHOOSE family over friends.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Do keep in mind that she's feeling a bunch of pressure from multiple directions. And trying to please a lot of people. For example, she apparently had to chose between a weekend that you could make it or a weekend that his family can make it, while she's struggling to gain approval from his family. She's in a very bad spot. 

Just saying... I'd still offer her my apologies for not being able to attend, but add something about understanding the difficulties she's facing. 

And yes, I agree with your husband...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

PBear said:


> Do keep in mind that she's feeling a bunch of pressure from multiple directions. And trying to please a lot of people. For example, she apparently had to chose between a weekend that you could make it or a weekend that his family can make it, while she's struggling to gain approval from his family. She's in a very bad spot.
> 
> Just saying... I'd still offer her my apologies for not being able to attend, but add something about understanding the difficulties she's facing.
> 
> ...



I think that is what is bothering me the most. She is getting absolutely no support from anyone besides me. Every one is mad at her, and she is a crying mess. She just wants to be accepted into their culture. Meanwhile her family is giving her crap.

That puts me in a tough spot. 

So I'm trying to be nice. But dang, she makes it hard sometimes.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Then help her with the arrangements to the best of your abilities, and be cheerful as you can about being ok with not attending. Accept its not a cut at you, and that she's behaving the way she is because she's trying to appease her new family, with whom she will be depending on and integrating with. 

I still see failure written all over this, but sometimes all you can do is help them pick up the pieces after the crash. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Best friend,

_You know I love and adore you and have been involved in the planning of your wedding since you announced it. I had already bought a BM dress and had invitations made for one of the 3 dates you chose. 

The family vacation Hub & I have been planned for over a year now is on that same weekend of the new date you've chosen. I told you about the date over a year ago. We have already spent $ on this vacation so I cannot undo it.

I realize planning a wedding is frustrating and would be happy to assist and be there any other weekend. 

I hope you understand. _


And OMG I would be pissed if i bought a dress/got invites made and bride kept changing everything. I would seriously not want to help after that. I wouldn't want to e a bridesmaid at all!

Bridezilla!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TheCuriousWife said:


> I have already told her she makes me want to tear my hair out!
> 
> She isn't guilting me. She knows I may not come, and she is fine with whatever I decide.
> 
> ...


Good point! I wish your husband could know more than your friend. But that is for another thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

PBear said:


> Just saying... I'd still offer her my apologies for not being able to attend, but add something about understanding the difficulties she's facing.


Pbear always nails it in a few words.

_"I apologize but I will not be able to attend that weekend. That is the same weekend husband and I have had our vacation planned for over a year now. I can still assist you with anything you need as it relates to planning and totally appreciate how frustrating wedding planning is. Keep your head up."_

Return dress and try to get your $ back for the invites. 

Weddings. Ugh!


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

PBear said:


> Then help her with the arrangements to the best of your abilities, and be cheerful as you can about being ok with not attending. Accept its not a cut at you, and that she's behaving the way she is because she's trying to appease her new family, with whom she will be depending on and integrating with.
> 
> I still see failure written all over this, but sometimes all you can do is help them pick up the pieces after the crash.
> 
> ...


:smthumbup:

Thank you. This is good advice. I will support her in any way possible, I just won't be able to make the big day. And you are right. She is doing the best she can with what she has.

I'm worried for her as well. There are a lot of red flags and drama which I'm not even going to get into. But you're right. I can't control her. All I can do is be a shoulder to cry on. That poor girl has had more crashes in her life than anyone should ever go through.  I worry about her daily.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Pbear always nails in in a few words.
> 
> _"I apologize but I will not be able to attend that weekend. That is the same weekend husband and I have had our vacation planned for over a year now. I can still assist you with anything you need as it relates to planning and totally appreciate how frustrating wedding planning is. Keep your head up."_
> 
> ...



Unfortunately the bridal store has a strict no return policy.  Believe me. I knew she is flighty, and I worried something like this would happen. I asked ahead of time when I bought it.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Good point! I wish your husband could know more than your friend. But that is for another thread.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wish he could to. But it is beyond his capabilities. He is innocent to the world and the problems it has. Lucky bug.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Unfortunately the bridal store has a strict no return policy.  Believe me. I knew she is flighty, and I worried something like this would happen. I asked ahead of time when I bought it.


Omg. I am sorry.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Omg. I am sorry.


I'll probably call and try anyway. But I'm not hopeful.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Sell the dress to as close as what you paid for it. If the invites don't have anything printed on them (dates, names, etc) sell those too if they are supplies to make invites... Recoop some of the money spent.

Three things that make people really nutty: weddings, funerals and finances.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I would not hesitate to go on vacation. You made your availability crystal clear to your friend.

I've never understood why family and friends cater to Bridezillas. I don't care if you're the Pope, if you're acting like a dillhole, I'm taking my toys and going home.

Do not spend another penny on this wedding. And most important, do not let her guilt-trip you into anything.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I agree with the others, don't go. You made your vacation plans to avoid her wedding. SHE changed her dates, you did not.

Hopefully you can return the invitations. If not, I would mail them to her and provide a receipt and simply say "These are the first invitations you asked me to purchase for you. When you changed your mind they wouldn't take them back, sorry. The total is $xx.xx, thanks.

I would be willing to bet your friendship dynamics have a lot do to with the childhood issues. Just because you were each other's only friends doesn't mean you still need to be. This is a good time to set boundaries.

As to the dress... you are going on vacation. Do you like the dress or anything about it? Maybe you and hubby could plan a nice evening out and you can wear it. If it's formal and you have no need, perhaps have it tailored - have it cut off to a more appropriate length and hemmed to a tea length or knee length - whatever works for the NEW occasion you can wear it for. You can add a shrug/bolero jacket, or a contrasting belt. I bet there is something you can do to salvage the use of the dress or if she asks someone else to be in the bridal party to fill your spot perhaps you can sell it to them.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Thanks for all the advice guys. I told her that I'm sorry but I won't be able to attend.

She is going to see if one of her sisters could be a bridesmaid and use my dress. If not...

It's really too formal, and way way too long. I would have to have it hemed to even wear it. So I will probably just try to sell it. Although I doubt I will get even half of what I paid.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

As flighty as she's been with changing dates multiple times, do you think it's possible the date will change yet again?

You may still get to be in her wedding after all...


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> As flighty as she's been with changing dates multiple times, do you think it's possible the date will change yet again?
> 
> You may still get to be in her wedding after all...


It's very possible. Which does make me hesitant to try to return or sell the dress. What if I get rid of it, and then she changes her mind!? Arg.

I think I will hold into it for another week and see what happens.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

TheCuriousWife said:


> It's very possible. Which does make me hesitant to try to return or sell the dress. What if I get rid of it, and then she changes her mind!? Arg.
> 
> I think I will hold into it for another week and see what happens.


I would hold on to the dress for a little while and then try to sell it online. 

Although, truly, she is not a friend by any definition of the word. I would instill some boundaries now and stick to them if you intend to keep her around, but in all honesty, I would just cut her loose. She is a toxic "friend" in your life and you don't need that. I've let go of a few "friends" like her because I didn't want the drama anymore. I'm much happier without them even though we grew up together.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Keep in mind some cultures take dates more seriously than others. My officemate 30 years ago got married Jan 3. Major silly idea because he could have done it up to Dec 31 and claim married for the year for taxes. But for cultural reasons (astrologist) they chose Jan 3. Also vacation and holidays abroad are not like ours, and schedule changes on a whom are not uncommon unlike here where everything is set in stone.

What country / part of the world are we talking about? Maybe you could vacation there


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Yikes, she sounds like she is still in the infatuation stage of romance, where they turn a blind eye to the bad quality of their partner. 

At this stage, love is like a hit of heroin literally. Romantic love hits all the same area of the brain like heroin. 

Lots of cross culture couples don't make it, completely different world views. 

She is already showing bad signs, changing one self for a mate is never a good idea. 

It sounds like a lopsided relationship. Relationships should be reciprocal.

Just be there for her, because you have to let people make their own choices. They will only be receptive once they hit rock bottom or near it. TAM, is a good example of that. Sorry peeps. 

I wouldn't invest anymore in the marriage, and if it lands on your vacation date, say your sorry, but your plans come first. If it is when your free, sure why not attend. Who knows, it may be entertaining. 

Sounds like she is a headless chicken running around in any direction. She isn't in a healthy state of mind, which people should be when making major decisions.


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