# Is counseling even worth it?



## msmalin (Jun 17, 2010)

Here's a very quick overview of my situation.

My wife and I got married after dating a very short time. Did not do pre-marital counseling. I found out while we were dating that I had cancer. Since I live around 500 miles away from any family, I made a very emotional decision to go with marriage. We've been married about 1.75 years now. I've been off chemo since October last year, so we've had plenty of opportunity to try to make our marriage work without cancer in the equation.

After being together this long I'm convinced she lives in a world of delusion. She has accused me of saying and doing things that I never said or did. I had a number of friends prior to being married that I don't see anymore because of her; she criticizes everything they do regardless of how innocuous their actions are.

I would feel it would be morally reprehensible to attempt to have a child with her because of how badly she keeps up with the house work. She's let poop from her dogs sit out for days, un-eaten food sit out for days, things like ranch and sour cream sit out all day then put them back in the fridge, etc. I wouldn't trust her to raise a kid simply because she has so little concern for cleanliness.

I take care of all of the bills, I do the majority of the house work (dishes, cleaning, etc.), I take care of the yard work, and I work at least 45 hours a week (compared to her 40 at most). Given her track record thus far I'd be primarily responsible for raising the kid. She maintains the position that she does a lot to help out around the house, which is another point of delusion (in my opinion).

We've tried taking classes and courses to better our marriage, but she doesn't apply herself. I can't talk to her about issues because she always deflects and will not admit fault. If there's a decision to be made, she doesn't think I've heard her out unless I decide with her opinion.

To top it all off, we haven't had sex in two months. I would love to, but I get turned down every time I ask. She has blamed her lack of drive on her PCOS in the past, but the last time I confronted her with it she wouldn't say anything. There is a gross sense of hypocrisy here. When I was on chemo I lost my sex drive completely, yet I would still "put out" when she wanted it. When I told her I did not have any drive she became enormously upset and demanded I get something to help (i.e., viagra). Now that the tables are turned, there is no consideration for what happened from my perspective. I'm trying not to be upset but it is intensely frustrating (I have my drive back now).

Lastly, I have not seen in her any desire to attempt to "try" and be better at anything. Complete apathy and complacency with where she is at. Because of this I cannot see any sort of counseling or therapy working. I'm ready to just cut this off now. I'm willing to do counseling, but based on how I've seen her behave in the past, I just don't see it working.

Anyone been through something like this or have any insight? I'm burned out and running on fumes.


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## Applepies (Nov 14, 2010)

Wow, cancer is a very difficult experience. Was she supportive of you getting through treatment?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

msmalin said:


> I found out while we were dating that I had cancer. Since I live around 500 miles away from any family, I made a very emotional decision to go with marriage.


Can you explain this because it sounds like you married her because you had no one else at the moment.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I agree with Blanca, that it sounds as though you married her just because you were alone and scared and she was there. If that's the case, then she might know this or have realized it, and most people wouldn't be happy with that knowledge. Knowing that that was why you married her could lead her to feel very apathetic toward you and your marriage in general. 

Let's assume for a minute that that's not why you married her. Two of us read this and came to that conclusion...I don't think it's much of a stretch to assume that she could have come to the same conclusion. So, now you have a wife under the mistaken impression that perhaps her husband doesn't really love her and only married her for what amounts to convenience. or at least a certain support system. 

I know you think you've talked to her. But I think marriage counseling would be a good idea. She might be afraid to tell you what she thinks/feels for fear you will confirm she's right. In counseling, the third party can not only draw her out, but help you to reassure her.


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## msmalin (Jun 17, 2010)

Applepies said:


> Wow, cancer is a very difficult experience. Was she supportive of you getting through treatment?


Supportive in the sense of wanting me to take the treatment, yes. Supportive in the sense that she took care of things while I was going through treatment, no. I remember at one point she had let dirty dishes sit in the sink for so long that they were starting to stink and become infested with gnats. This grossed me out to the point I couldn't take it any longer. I'd had a treatment and despite feeling weak and nauseous I had to force myself to get them done.
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## msmalin (Jun 17, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> I agree with Blanca, that it sounds as though you married her just because you were alone and scared and she was there. If that's the case, then she might know this or have realized it, and most people wouldn't be happy with that knowledge. Knowing that that was why you married her could lead her to feel very apathetic toward you and your marriage in general...


I agree, if she had the impression that I married her for convenience/a support system, that could lead her to think and behave differently. And although that may have been part of the reason (though I didn't think so at the time), there are other reasons as well. Regardless of the initial reasons for marriage, I have shown my commitment to making things better now by taking her to marriage classes/courses, spending time reading marriage books, etc. Even though she sees these things, no change occurs.
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