# Ladies..What do you do to keep busy if in a bad marriage?



## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

I posted something similar in the "Ladies Lounge" in regards to staying in a bad marriage due to finances. I am in that situation and trying to cope with being alone while my husband works 13-14 hour days (works on Saturdays but 6-8 hrs). Every other Saturday when he is done work he takes his sister food shopping to help because she has a bad back. In a nutshell, it is not a marriage. I am married living alone or moreso like I am single. I did not sign up for this and talking about it is over. Went to counseling and nothing developed positively from it.


I am looking for outside resources or what you do to keep busy. I want to feel like my life is more than being someone's maid. Home to him is like a hotel; he comes home from work to just sleep. The only time we have together is on Sunday afternoons (I work until 12 noon on Sundays) and that is spent doing housework and odds and ends.

Your ideas and advice would be grateful.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Do you work? Do you have kids? Do you love your husband? I don’t get it.


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

katiecrna said:


> Do you work? Do you have kids? Do you love your husband? I don’t get it.


Yes I work. Due to medical issues I can only work part time. We do not have any kids. I love my husband but I am not "in love" with him. 

What don't you get?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

So your post in the ladies lounge says you have 3 kids.

I guess I just don’t get it. Your husband works hard so you guys can have money. 

Do you work full time? Do you have kids and what ages? You are asking for advice on how to fill your time which is weird to me. Get hobbies, go out with friends, work more. Maybe if you made more money your poor husband didn’t have to work so much.


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## Saige (Oct 23, 2011)

If you work more, would he be able to work less? Could that mean shorter work days for him and more time and energy to be together?

It takes effort to keep romance in a marriage.... 

Do you have hobbies? Are you just bored?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

STORMCHASER said:


> Yes I work. Due to medical issues I can only work part time. We do not have any kids. I love my husband but I am not "in love" with him.
> 
> 
> 
> What don't you get?




If your not in love with him then leave him.


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

katiecrna said:


> So your post in the ladies lounge says you have 3 kids.
> 
> I guess I just don’t get it. Your husband works hard so you guys can have money.
> 
> Do you work full time? Do you have kids and what ages? You are asking for advice on how to fill your time which is weird to me. Get hobbies, go out with friends, work more. Maybe if you made more money your poor husband didn’t have to work so much.


What I posted in the other forum is separate from this. I used the "lady with 3 kids" as an example.


No kids, I work part time due to medical issues. He "CHOOSES" to work that much, for he does not have to in the least.

If you still do not understand then I cannot help you.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Have you considered volunteer work? I don't know the details of your medical condition, but is it manageable enough that you could spend a few hours a week volunteering for an organization that interests you?


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> Have you considered volunteer work? I don't know the details of your medical condition, but is it manageable enough that you could spend a few hours a week volunteering for an organization that interests you?



I have been considering that but there are not that many around here. Or if there are, they operate during my work hours. Thanks for your reply


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You originally came here back in March 2014 to report you didn't feel your husband was making the marriage a priority. Do you still feel that way? As I recall, you felt like a single person living alone in your marriage. Is it pretty much that way now?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

How about spending your time developing a marketable skill that you can do without creating further problems with your medical condition?

What do you like to do?


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

*Re: Ladies..What do you do to kto eep busy if in a bad marriage?*

To be fair...on your other thread about staying for the money, and using a mother of three children as an example is very different than a woman staying in a marriage for the money that does not have any children.

When someone has children, they become first priority, and choices are made as to what is best for them.

When there are no children, the choices available to someone become much less restrictive.

What is the nature of your disability? Can you not be asked to work a consecutive 8 hours, or is it that you can't be on your feet, or can you not be asked to read or type?

The logical answer for someone in a bad marriage, who is staying for the money, would to be to find means to support themselves - so to give advice, even to give advice as to how to fill your boring days, we need to understand the extent of your limitations.

If your husband did not work so much, what would you be doing instead?

I work 12-13 hour days and have a time consuming hobby that takes up 2-3 evenings a week, and 3-4 hours each Saturday and Sunday - but yet I still have plenty of time for socializing with my husband.

We do date nights, usually twice a week. A few times a month we get a hotel room and do a mini day away (often a Friday night, half day Saturday).

Because we do not have kids, we have the freedom to do this stuff, in addition to having dinner together every night etc.


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

I shouldnthave said:


> If your husband did not work so much, what would you be doing instead?
> 
> I work 12-13 hour days and have a time consuming hobby that takes up 2-3 evenings a week, and 3-4 hours each Saturday and Sunday - but yet I still have plenty of time for socializing with my husband.


The difference here is that you MAKE the time. I am not a priority and he has proved that. I am 4th on the list in this order; Job, sister, brother, wife. And NO, it was not like this when we got married. After his parents died, he now feels responsible to take care of siblings that are OLDER than him and unmarried. 

Now, to answer your question "If your husband did not work so much, what would you be doing instead?" In reality, it doesn't matter what we would be doing, it would be time spent together...main reason as to why we both got married was for companionship. But, to be more specific, we would travel, eat dinner together most nights which we haven't eaten at the dinner table in 3 years, have some time after a hard day to sit down and watch a movie or talk about our day. 

He gets up at 5am, at work by 7am and comes home at 9-10pm at night 5 days a week ad Saturdays which leads NO time for any of that. And he chooses this, for we are not that hard off. Which brings me back to what I said earlier, the difference is that you, personally, have told me that you MAKE the time whereas by husband chooses not to.

Since financially now I cannot leave, I am looking at other options that I can handle that goes along with the title of this topic.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Like Ishouldnthave asked... what is the nature of your disability?


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Tuesday through Thursday I usually get home around 9:30 at night. Then I cook dinner, and we eat together.

Why do you two not eat dinner together? Do you cook dinner at home?

On the occasions when my husbands work keeps him very late, I cook for both of us, and save him a plate - he eats and we chat before bed.

Sounds like your husband is taking care of his family obligations. Could you help with this? Could you take his sister grocery shopping instead? What can you do to lighten his load?

As for why you are not his priority, I can't answer that. Was there a time he did spend more time and energy on you? A time when he wasn't a work a holic?

Can he simply work less? I know for me, it's not a choice, if I want to continue furthering my career, this is part of the deal.

But my husband always knew I was career focused.

Edited to add... My schedule is up at 5:30 am, home by 7:30 Monday and Fridays, usually date nights. 9:30+ Tuesday through Thursday, those are dinner at home nights, and weekends we make time.

Luckily for me, I do not need a lot of sleep, because it's very rare that I am in bed before midnight.

PS * what is your sex life like? *


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

OMG....the topic is "what do you do to keep busy if in a bad marriage" and your last question to me is "what is your sex life like"? LMAO!!!! The last 2 words of the topic header should answer that question loud and clear.

Thanks everyone.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Echoing others: my first priority would be to do anything possible to build towards self-sufficiency. If you like to write, start a blog. Google "good side hustle" to brainstorm. Think on what might be possible, even with your specific set of limitations, whatever they may be. 

The reason for this being the first priority is: anything can happen. Your H may fall over dead tomorrow. Or worse, he could get in a terrible accident and be crippled, requiring long-term extensive care in a nursing home. Alternatively, he could sense your unhappiness with you and go off and start an affair, or just outright decide to divorce you and chase his own happiness. 

I'm not big on chasing dramatically negative "what ifs" unless one is in a very vulnerable position- which sounds like your situation, with the scant info available. Maybe you have substantial savings and would be OK (maybe that is what makes is hard to leave, because you are currently very comfortable financially.) But one thing I've learned is that life IS going to change; whatever your situation is now, it will somehow be different ten years from now. People in my family tend to ignore that truth and I've seen it cost them over time.

Also, your H might think you are stuck with him. He might make some changes if he notices that you are taking steps to be more independent. 

But to answer your original question:

My mom was not particularly happy in her marriage for many years- probably the last 20 of their 40 years together until my dad died. However, she was determined to enjoy her life. She did have a terrific career which was long-lasting and in which she was well-respected. 

Outside of work, she joined a ladies' barbershop singing group, in which she still participates, going on 25 years now! She valued her friendships. She enjoyed going out with her friends, hanging out on the deck with neighbors, etc. She enjoyed going to church and did several church activities. She would go on day trips when possible, where we live you can hop on a tour bus and they drive to area cities for theater, festivals, sporting events, etc. She went out and did things that interested her. The only things she couldn't bring herself to do on her own were going to the movies and dining out alone. 

As an aside, about 6 years after my dad died, my mom met a widower and they fell in love. They both love music, singing, taking walks in the park, rowing on the area lakes, and church. She finally has someone to do all the things she's had to do on her own. They have been together for almost two years now, and are both blissfully happy. It is really awesome! 

Whatever you end up doing, I hope you can find some happiness.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Okay... So topic is bad marriage.

So should we assume your sex life is in the dumps?

Again, I am trying to get pertinent info for constructive advice.

If your husband never has sex with you, I am guessing that is even more reason he isn't motivated to spend time with you.

If you want to know what to do while your husband works...

Volunteer at the local elementary school? Animal shelter? Homeless shelter? Take up writing? Knitting? Join by a book club? 

What do you currently do to keep busy? Why is your life not fulfilled?

Edited to add... Just because... Masturbate in your free time? I know I do when I have some spare time and my husband isn't home!

And double edited. Does your husband seem happy? What does he get out of this marriage? In what ways do you support him?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

STORMCHASER said:


> OMG....the topic is "what do you do to keep busy if in a bad marriage" and your last question to me is "what is your sex life like"? LMAO!!!! The last 2 words of the topic header should answer that question loud and clear.
> 
> Thanks everyone.


Y'know, people are trying to help you out. You asked what you could do to survive a bad marriage. So, someone asked about your sex life. I don't think that is particularly irrelevant, given the subject matter of this thread. I'm not here to diss you, argue with you, or judge you.

I suggested volunteer opportunities. You responded that there aren't many in your area. But there are some, right? The only hours that are available when you are working, according to what you posted. But you also said you work part-time. I can only assume that is less than 30 hours a week. Perhaps some of these places that offer volunteer opportunities are actually available during your non-work hours, based on my supposition of how many hours you work a week.

Look, I get you are in a crappy marriage and trying to survive. But those responding want to help to the best of their limited abilities. It would behoove you to try to work with us.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Short answer...plan my divorce. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Damn, if I had all of that time and someone to support me: I'd first watch all of the Netflix I'd ever wanted to! Then I'd cook and bake---and perfect my own recipes and I'd write my own cookbook (for myself). That would be a big project. I'd also write a book (fiction). I'd go back to school and get a master's degree in speech pathology. I'd read every book I'd ever wanted to. I'd pull out a map and explore every book and cranny of all of the towns in a 2 hr radius of me. I'd take a yoga class. I'd join all of the Meetup groups that looked interesting. I'd make a bucket list of restaurants, go, and write a review of each one.

So far that list world take years...


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

I shouldnthave said:


> If your husband never has sex with you, I am guessing that is even more reason he isn't motivated to spend time with you.
> 
> And double edited. Does your husband seem happy? What does he get out of this marriage? In what ways do you support him?



First of all, I personally do not reward bad behavior. It is all about choices. He chooses to spend his free time with his family, PERIOD! He is constantly defending his sister with excuses as to why he needs to be over there and helping her, etc. 


Example: She called him at 7pm at night while he was still at work and asked him to stop over to change a light bulb on her ceiling fan. Please note that there are 6 lights on this fan. He was actually going to do it until I called her and stepped in saying "no, he will not be over. You know he works late and it takes him over and hour to get home and therefore, a burnt out bulb is not an emergency. He will be over on the weekend." Obviously I talked it over with him before doing so and he agreed. I made the call because he asked me because he was in a meeting. I also believe he asked me to tell her because he does not want to be the bad guy..thats my job apparently.

You ask how I support him or what he gets out of this marriage. In the beginning I supported him with how well he was doing with his career. That all backfired to the point where now the more support I gave, the more he worked and the less he was home. Now, every night I text or talk to him asking him when he is going to be home and it is the same answer. I tell him I am worried about him and he needs to slow down because he is not getting any younger. He ignores my plea. His sister has also told him he should at least not work on Saturdays so he can rest a little but, her ulterior motives are NOT for his health but for her own selfish gain. When she finds out he is leaving work early or is not working at all, she jumps on that **** fast and has him doing something where I cannot even make plans. Her own cousins, uncles, etc even call her lazy and selfish to her face but she continues her evil ways and he buys into it..blood family is always first and they can do no wrong..I will always be last and I am done fighting for his attention and affections. If he wants to focus his attentions to her and his blood family then so be it..so as far as support, that has died.


What does he get out of this marriage? A maid? Someone who makes sure the bills are paid, dogs are taken care of, go to the groomer, go to the vet, go to the bank, make appointments, do the food shopping (by myself even though I am not suppose to), laundry, cleaning the house, make sure I am here when the heater guy comes so HE doesn't have to miss work but yet he will call off of work to be at his sisters house (WITH HER ALREADY THERE TAKING A DAY OFF) to make sure the heater guy is doing what he is suppose to be doing.

Support goes both ways and I get none. I rarely get a thank you for anything that I do. The selfishness must run in the family where the siblings are concerned, for he is always asking me if I can do stuff for him because he cannot due to his job. I am starting to say no so he has no choice but to find time to do it on his own (whether that means leaving work early or him finding some other way). 

One hand washes the other and my hands have been dirty for way to long.


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

Livvie said:


> Damn, if I had all of that time and someone to support me: I'd first watch all of the Netflix I'd ever wanted to! Then I'd cook and bake---and perfect my own recipes and I'd write my own cookbook (for myself). That would be a big project. I'd also write a book (fiction). I'd go back to school and get a master's degree in speech pathology. I'd read every book I'd ever wanted to. I'd pull out a map and explore every book and cranny of all of the towns in a 2 hr radius of me. I'd take a yoga class. I'd join all of the Meetup groups that looked interesting. I'd make a bucket list of restaurants, go, and write a review of each one.
> 
> So far that list world take years...


Thank you, for this is what I was looking for!


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

STORMCHASER said:


> katiecrna said:
> 
> 
> > So your post in the ladies lounge says you have 3 kids.
> ...


I'm on the first page, and this is the 3rd of your posts that come across rude and snarky. Is this how you communicate with your husband?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

STORMCHASER said:


> First of all, I personally do not reward bad behavior. It is all about choices. He chooses to spend his free time with his family, PERIOD! He is constantly defending his sister with excuses as to why he needs to be over there and helping her, etc.
> 
> 
> Example: She called him at 7pm at night while he was still at work and asked him to stop over to change a light bulb on her ceiling fan. Please note that there are 6 lights on this fan. He was actually going to do it until I called her and stepped in saying "no, he will not be over. You know he works late and it takes him over and hour to get home and therefore, a burnt out bulb is not an emergency. He will be over on the weekend." Obviously I talked it over with him before doing so and he agreed. I made the call because he asked me because he was in a meeting. I also believe he asked me to tell her because he does not want to be the bad guy..thats my job apparently.
> ...




God help me my stbxh was just like this! Work-a-holic that is a people pleaser and can’t say no and is super passive. I understand your misery now. 

The only way for you to be happy with this marriage is to be completely independent and make a life that makes you happy. He will never emotionally satisfy you. Guys like that don’t change and they aren’t willing to put in the work to change and they can’t deal with any criticism or negative emotion. I personally couldn’t be happy with someone like this because I NEED connection to be happy. 

I always say that my stbxh needs to find a trophy wife that doesn’t care about anything but money and is completely emotionally independent and makes herself happy or else he will never have a lasting marriage. Normal people like us can’t be with people that that.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

And I bet that if you look up passive aggressive personality he fits the bill to a T.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

So you asked what to do to fill your time, but you refuse to answer what you like to do and what kind of disability you have or even what your restrictions are, except that you mentioned you're not supposed to grocery shop. How is anyone supposed to help you when you respond with rudeness to perfectly reasonable questions about your situation?

We don't know what you are currently doing for work or entertainment, what you like to do, or what your interests are.


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

katiecrna said:


> God help me my stbxh was just like this! Work-a-holic that is a people pleaser and can’t say no and is super passive. I understand your misery now.
> 
> The only way for you to be happy with this marriage is to be completely independent and make a life that makes you happy. He will never emotionally satisfy you. Guys like that don’t change and they aren’t willing to put in the work to change and they can’t deal with any criticism or negative emotion. I personally couldn’t be happy with someone like this because I NEED connection to be happy.
> 
> I always say that my stbxh needs to find a trophy wife that doesn’t care about anything but money and is completely emotionally independent and makes herself happy or else he will never have a lasting marriage. Normal people like us can’t be with people that that.


What is funny is that he has no problem saying "NO" to me. Yes, he does has passive-aggressive behavior but again, it is a CHOICE! I have yet to see him act that way with his family. 

Also, just for the record, he was NOT like this when we were dating nor the first couple years of our marriage. Everything changed when his parents passed away and then he feels responsible to take care of his 53 y.o. unmarried sister. I have told him many times that we do not live our life according to "Sara Marshall" (fake name but meaning his sister). If she needs your or "our" help she will have to wait or find someone else. Since when is she now the Queen of Sheba? He gets all defensive when I say stuff like this because it is the truth and then tried to change the subject.

Thanks for sharing and I shall take one step at a time.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I'll be blunt. YOUR attitude is probably the biggest problem in your marriage.


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

personofinterest said:


> I'll be blunt. YOUR attitude is probably the biggest problem in your marriage.


Explain if you'd like?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

1. Gardening - herbs, roses, tomatoes, etc.
2. Journaling/writing
3. Target shooting
4. Swimming
5. Bowling
6. Photography
7. Painting/drawing
8. Biking
9. Crafts - go to craftsy.com for ideas


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

STORMCHASER said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > I'll be blunt. YOUR attitude is probably the biggest problem in your marriage.
> ...


Short, rude, sarcastic, dismissive, condescending, arrogant....


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> 1. Gardening - herbs, roses, tomatoes, etc.
> 2. Journaling/writing
> 3. Target shooting
> 4. Swimming
> ...


Great ideas and I thank you!


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

personofinterest said:


> Short, rude, sarcastic, dismissive, condescending, arrogant....


Sorry you read me that way but you must be looking in the mirror as well 

All YOU have been to me in this thread is rude, sarcastic and basically NOT helpful so please remove yourself from my thread. Have a great day!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I want to seriously push for gardening. I have gotten great joy just watching a seed sprout and become a plant. I suppose that sounds simple, but I get a kick out of growing things. In fact, I'm planning to move out of my apartment and into a house so I can have more room for gardening. 

I wish you the best in finding a passion you can pursue.


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> I want to seriously push for gardening. I have gotten great joy just watching a seed sprout and become a plant. I suppose that sounds simple, but I get a kick out of growing things. In fact, I'm planning to move out of my apartment and into a house so I can have more room for gardening.
> 
> I wish you the best in finding a passion you can pursue.



Congrats on the move to a house and being able to pursue your interests! Good luck as well!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

STORMCHASER said:


> The difference here is that you MAKE the time. I am not a priority and he has proved that. I am 4th on the list in this order; Job, sister, brother, wife. And NO, it was not like this when we got married. After his parents died, he now feels responsible to take care of siblings that are OLDER than him and unmarried.




How old are your husband and his siblings?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

STORMCHASER said:


> Since financially now I cannot leave, I am looking at other options that I can handle that goes along with the title of this topic.


Do you think that it would help if you did somethings to help free up some of his time? For example, could you talk his sister shopping? Could you do some of the things that he does to help his brother? 

Why do his siblings need this help?

Could you change your work hours so that you don't work when he's off?

How many hours a week do you work? 

What is your social life like? Do you have friends and/or family who you socialize with on a regular basis?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I apologize and should have had more empathy. I was in a bad marriage for a long time, and toward the end, I had pretty much become disgusted with him and any mention of ways to make it better (because I had tried them all).

I'm sorry for being judgmental.

My suggestion is to do what you love and treat yourself somehow once a week. And surround yourself with amazing friends.


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## Jaedbe (Jun 25, 2018)

From a man's perspective...my wife tellse she stays at work...I mean from sun up to midnight for our bad marriage. I'm the only one to blame for her quarrelsome behavior and talking to me as a child and false accusations. Her mouth and thoughts of me tore me all the way down after 11 years being married...but never accounts for her bitterness and walls of rejection nor explanation to me as a Godly woman should answer to the Lord first...she was His before she became mine. But she stays a work...im guessing after all this time..is so she can avoid showing me so much disrespectful behavior for no reason. But as a Christian man..I suggest ask your husband if he is willing to go speak with a Pastor and you too talk..the Word says take it to the Church..but both have to be willing to confront any self inner issues that causes pain to the other. I know mine did not after three different pastors over 11 years. So I decided to remain the bad guy in her mind and file for divorce.


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