# "One for the record books."



## easysilence (Jul 1, 2009)

That is what he said this separation would be. And I think he might be right. Since this has all been decided, things between us are COMPLETELY different. 
I am sad, but I am not worried. 
This weekend, I went ahead and made arrangements to sign the lease on the new place. Since I know the landlord, she said I could go ahead and start moving this weekend before the lease is signed. So DH and his friends (maybe they ARE my friends too after all...) helped me to move most of the furniture to the new house. When DH and I got together, I already had my house and my furniture (yeah, the furniture is old..) so it was easy to figure out what went and what stayed. 
But we have been getting along much better since we decided to separate. We took the kitchen table apart but didn't move it yet. He had an extra couch from a family member brought into the house after I took mine. And the house looks wrecked. I am still staying there until I get the lease signed and a few other issues buttoned up, so it's HARD right now. 
Last night, I cried and cried because every time I went out into the kitchen/living room everything looked all torn up and different. 
The bedroom will get moved last. That will be hard. The bedroom furniture we got together, so I tried to tell him to keep it. He didn't want to. He insisted that I take it and he will get something else. 

I am hoping that after everything is moved and both houses are put together and look like someone lives in them, not like a war zone, that I will be able to look around and not cry. I want to get most of the crying out of the way before my kids get home from their dad's. (My first husband, where they summer every year.) 

I know in my heart that this will all work out, but it's so hard right now. 

I think we really do love each other but this is the only way for us to change right now. 
I am sort of proud of myself, and of him, for making this huge decision and change because we want us both to be HAPPY whether we're together or not. 
We are going to 'date' and hang out, but we have already established some boundaries with this thing. 
1. No pop-ins
2. We don't need to talk EVERY day. 
3. Finances will be separate... completely. 
4. No dating other people or screwing around, an issue to be revisited in the spring. 

I hope everything works out. I do love him. His emotional abuse issues have always stemmed from 2 things:
1. He was seriously injured in a car accident some years ago and had severe depression while he was recovering. It took him three years to get back to walking normally. This is not an excuse, but a reason. 
2. He has control issues, which plays right into reason #1. With me separating from him, I think he will learn that it's OK not to control me and that the world won't come to an end if everything isn't his way. 

I think I need to let go and forgive him for everything that I went through while he was recovering from his accident. He needs to let go of controlling me so much. 

I hope that this separation will remove me from the situation so that he can see that I don't NEED to be controlled, and also so that I can see that he ISN'T that same guy that barked at me from a wheelchair for so long.


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