# Need Help. Marriage Falling Apart



## RobK (Sep 19, 2017)

My wife and I have been married for almost 9 years. We have 2 kids that are 4 and 7. The last year has been very tough for us. Here is why. 

Before kids we used to do a lot of stuff together and had a great relationship. I am sure most can relate to this but having kids is not easy for a relationship. 

Once we had kids, I feel like my wife stopped caring out my needs in the relationship and started only caring about being a mom. Prior to kids we had a lot of great experiences together. Once we had our first son, that pretty much stopped. My wife has fibromyalgia, so the effort of raising children really took its tole on her. I am an engineer and tend to work a lot of hours but I do pretty well to support our family. After our first son was born and my wife was sleeping all the time, I decided that the best thing I could do is rather than sit around and do nothing (I do help with household chores and almost exclusively do the grocery shopping, dishes, garbage and all my own laundry) I started taking certification exams for my field and others. I took many of them and was very fortunate that they helped my increase my income substantially over the course of about 5 years. This allowed us to buy our first house and then we had another child. Our second son had a complication with his urethra that resulted in him having surgery 6 times in the span of 2 years. It was extremely trying and hard, but we got through it and his is doing great now. This also took a tole on our relationship and I felt that my wife and I didn’t do anything to keep our relationship going. Other than having 2 kids and house, we didn’t do any of the stuff we used to do because of lack of child care and because of health complications with our youngest son. 

In fall of 2016, our youngest child started school full time and I was very excited because I figured with both of them in school we could take some time to really work on our relationship and do things together as a couple again. 
Before I go further, I should note that my wife has always been understanding of my need for sex and made a huge effort through everything that was going on to have sex with me at least once a week. I appreciated this tremendously, although I did want to have more sex. 

Around this time, we had a couple of things happen. My wife started hanging out with some people that I didn’t like because of a common interest that I didn’t share with her. She never cheated on me with this person but I find a string of inappropriate text messages on our family I pad after she went crazy looking for it and couldn’t find it one day. Thus I figured something was up. 

Anyway, I foolishly didn’t confront her about this because I found the messages on the morning after our youngest sons last surgery and was to tired and overwhelmed to speak to her about it. This led to me constantly suspecting she was cheating or was going to. To which I admit I didn’t handle well. 

Oddly enough, around this point we started have sex a lot more. We had been having sex once a week maximum for the last 4 years and instantly went up to 4 times a week. I found this odd but was not going to turn it down. 

On a side note, one of the things that has bothered me for a long time is that my wife can be very controlling about a lot of stuff. This carried over to sex. The sex was never when, I wanted it but only when she wanted it. I found this odd. Anyway, at one point she told me she stopped interacting with these people and one person. 

Things went on pretty normally for a while until she told me that she had lied to me about seeing the person. I was hurt by this, but was gald she told me. Now we come to around January. My wife goes to see these people (she buys stuff at the store the guy owns because he is the only one in the area that carries a specific product she works with.) She comes home crying more than I have ever seen her cry before and tells me she feels like a “broken shell of a person” and cant put me through this so we need to take time apart. This was apparently due to a conversation she had with this person that didn’t go well. 
I found this odd and told her that if she is really upset, I wouldn’t leave her and would deal with her problems together because I love her and that’s what you do when you love someone. 

After this incident, our sex life started to drop off and we didn’t communicate very well anymore. 
I probably started bothering her about sex, which led to her being very resentful. 

What hurt me very much was that I try to do everything I can to be a good husband and a good father. Previous to this story starting, I had not been a very involved and active father. My wife complained to me about it for some time, but it finally got through to me that I needed to change. I did change that and many other items. To the point where I thought I was doing everything right. Here is a quick rundown of our situation. 

Wife works per diem and lately has not been working very much, so she is a stay at home mom. I work a decent amount and make almost 200k per year. I go to the gym 4 days a week and am 5’ 11” tall and weight about 205# of all muscle. Stuff I do around the house to help out is get kids ready for school in the morning, all dishes, all grocery shopping, my own laundry, do all the garbage and do all the other typical jobs a man would do. On the weekends when I am home, I take care of the kids. I get them breakfast and lunch and my wife makes dinner, then I do the dishes. At this point in my life, my entire life is dedicated to my wife and my children. I don’t have much in the way of friends outside of work, I am not hugely interested in sports and I go to the gym at 5am before my wife or kids wakes up. 

This went on for a while and we were kind of just existing. Then I had a feeling she had started talking to an ex-boyfriend of hers from right before we were married. She told me she wasn’t but then a few months later admitted to me that she had lied to me because she was afraid of how I would act. This summer she took a trip by herself to go hiking and to get away from me and the kids for the first time. Her destination happened to be an hour from where the said ex boyfriend lived. She spent almost 7k dollars going on this trip which I found extremely disrespectful. I had asked her that we possibly take a trip together to try and rebuild our relationship but she wasn’t interested. 

After her trip we were once again existing. No sex just sort of together. I was getting frustrated and I imagine I didn’t handle this well. I was still doing a lot of the household work and going to work and the gym everyday and she didn’t seem to care. What’s worse, since she hasn’t been working very much, she has started to develop a resentment for me since I make all the money and she is financially dependent upon me. Im sure I am guilty of some of this, due to comments along the way, but I really don’t care if she works or not. I am happy to provide her a great life with 2 wonderful children. 

Now fast forward to lately. She recently told me that she needs space and thinks the only way to fix our marriage is to take time apart. I told her that the problem with our marriage is that we have neglected it over the past 4 years and the best way to fix it is to do more stuff as a couple together and rebuild our relationship, rather than take time apart. This has caused a huge fight to the point where she is now insisting she needs space from me and I make her miserable because I tell her that I don’t feel like she appreciates what I do and disrespects me because she isn’t having sex with me anymore. 

All of this is really hard for me since I do work extremely hard for her and our family from sun up to sun down. I don’t mind doing it because I love her and my kids more than anything in the world, but this situation has been taking a toll on me personally. I don’t know what else to do to try and help her, so I agreed that we could take some space. At this point I suspect there is someone else involved but she swears there isn’t. I choose to trust her but, what do you do in a situation where you are being lied to but have no way to verify it?

All I have always wanted out of life is to have a sold strong relationship with my wife and great happy family. That seems more out of sight than ever before at this point and I don’t know what to do. 

Is this normal for this point in a marriage? I don’t know what to do or what to think anymore and am scared that my family is going to fall apart. I love my wife and know we can have a good relationship if we put the effort into it, but I feel that she may not feel the same. I have not been the perfect husband and I realize this. She is upset with me because she says, that it took her wanting a divorce for me to realize that I needed to change. I am sorry for everything I have done and have told here so. She seems to think that our personalities are just to different and that our relationship is not salvageable. Her complaints are that I did-agree with here and give her a hard time about everything (although I ultimately come over to her way of thinking) and that my attitude towards sex has been very bad. 

We went to a marriage counselor which she didn't think went very well. She felt the counselor (a woman) was biased towards me and not really looking at the situation to determine if its in our best interest to be together, rather than just trying to fix out problem. 

If anyone has had a similar situation and can share what you did to get through it and how it ended up, I would appreciate the insight. I try to be a strong leader for the family, but this is very tough. Thanks in advance for any insight.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Check your phone bill. Quit being a weak doormat.

You have more red flags than a battalion of commits.

You are in denial and don't want to see what's going on here.

No confrontation without evidence. You make enough I'd get a PI.

People like you refuse to believe what's starring them in the face until it hits you upside the head.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Her words and actions are following the cheater script to a T and you are trying to "nice her back". That always fails 

Better wake up!!!!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She likely has had two physical affairs.

One with the storekeeper who likely used her and then dumped her. That is why she came home crying.

The ex boyfriend? Oh, yeah. She did him too when she went on that trip.

She wants to separate so she can date and act like a single women again.

Sorry.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

You should also cut her expense down drastically you paying for her fun, let her survive on her own dime,


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I cannot understand how a man with an engineering degree does not have the cognitive capability to see what's been hitting him in the head wide-open.

My advice to you is to wake-up and realize that your wife has had emotional and physical affairs that you on some level recognize but refuse to see, because you are so afraid of the consequences and preferred to act all wimpy and weak playing the pathetic "pick me" dance. 

Please sir, start acting like a man and take and make decisive actions and decisions. Show your wife that you will not follow nor wait on her decisions, but yours. Show her that you are a man and will not take the disrespect, and emasculation that you have submitted to any longer. And for God's sake, follow through.

Hint: in case you don't know, must men around the world when they find out that their woman cheated on them, they immediately dump her. Because in reality it does not matter the who, why, and when, only that she did. Some men are capable of forgiveness in order the mantain the family for the kids' sake, but you have to be able to do it in manner where you are the one in control, you are the one that gives the gift of forgiveness. You do not let for a moment to be made as the scapegoat of your wife's infidelities. That is all on her. You must make clear, and not for negotiation demands of what is that you expect from her going forward in order to save the marriage. Expose to all families and friends of the affair (s), at once, so that she does not have the time to make you be the bad guy.

Hope you have the courage to follow through. Stay strong, you'll need it.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Lets start with the basics. Until your wife is willing to admit to her (at least) two affairs, take full responsibility for those affairs, shows remorse, and agrees to total transparency, there is no way to save your marriage.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> She likely has had two physical affairs.
> 
> One with the storekeeper who likely used her and then dumped her. That is why she came home crying.
> 
> ...


Bingo.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

OP,

The facts are that she has lied to your face twice about interactions with other men.

She also spent $7,000 on a get away vacation for herself. Who the **** does that?

She also came home from one particular interaction and cried like you have never seen her cry before. Who the **** does that over a business transaction?

Those are the facts that came from you. 

If you were single, are these big enough red flags to stop the relationship? They sure would be for me.

I think she's a unrepentant serial cheater and totally takes you for granted. She's talking and acting the script of a cheater. I would hire a PI if it was me.

You need to KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT AND YOUR EYES AND EARS OPEN!

No accusations unless you have hard proof. See Weightlifter's standard evidence thread.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You are in good physical shape, your wife claims "fibromyalgia", sits in her ass and you do everything, including financing her trysts with ex lovers who are now present lovers.

She has had numerous affairs that you rugswept.... no, IGNORED.

I'm sorry, you are either going to give her the boot, or you need to just stick your head in the sand like you've done all along and let her divorce you and you will have no say whatsoever in how your money is used to screw other men.

My advice: get a lawyer, divorce, remarry, be happy.

Your wife sounds like a total nightmare of a woman. Fibromyalgia is not the problem with your sex life. Your sex problem is othermanalgia.

Geez. Do you need a video of your wife cheating? Would you. E able to accept it then? Or is somebody doctoring the film?

I know you are hurting, but if I were your best friend, I'd hit you in the head with a 2x4 until you started to show signs of cognizant behavior toward your wife.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Here's the thing...

She is lost...fluttering away by the lips of her womenhood.
When they stop flapping she will look around and find herself...alone.

Men will gladly screw a women. It feels good, sure, why not.

But, take her to heart, take her forever and a day? After what she pulled?
Words spread faster then a women's resolve and a women's.........
Un-resolve.

She will be tainted.

In her mind, especially.

MLC


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## Yvophi (Oct 4, 2017)

Im going to tell you from a woman's perspective. I recently had an affair because of all the damage that took place in my marriage all these years. I never ever expected me to have one because I was so against that, especially because my husband had several throughout marriage. However, after I had one, it was an eye opener for both of us. He saw how he lacked as a husband and I saw the healing that needed to take place in our marriage. We went to counseling and it helped a little, but I still wanted out of the marriage. A friend of mine invited us to a couples retreat and we went because we did not want our friends to know that we are going through something. Surprisingly, the retreat changed our lives . We realized what we both lacked in this marriage and it was through a book called Us Against the World: How God's love conquers all. It changed me and my husband, we realized the structure that God has for marriage and it started with my husband changing. I think you would benefit readin this, especially the infidelity chapter. You'll see what she is going through as the one cheating. 


https://www.amazon.com/Us-Against-W...=2025&creative=165953&creativeASIN=1937741397


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Yvophi said:


> Im going to tell you from a woman's perspective. I recently had an affair because of all the damage that took place in my marriage all these years. I never ever expected me to have one because I was so against that, especially because my husband had several throughout marriage. However, after I had one, it was an eye opener for both of us. He saw how he lacked as a husband and I saw the healing that needed to take place in our marriage. We went to counseling and it helped a little, but I still wanted out of the marriage. A friend of mine invited us to a couples retreat and we went because we did not want our friends to know that we are going through something. Surprisingly, the retreat changed our lives . We realized what we both lacked in this marriage and it was through a book called Us Against the World: How God's love conquers all. It changed me and my husband, we realized the structure that God has for marriage and it started with my husband changing. I think you would benefit readin this, especially the infidelity chapter. You'll see what she is going through as the one cheating.
> 
> 
> https://www.amazon.com/Us-Against-W...=2025&creative=165953&creativeASIN=1937741397


Catherine, if you had the decency to introduce yourself as the author, no-one would mind you plugging your book.


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## Yvophi (Oct 4, 2017)

I can't write worth a dime, I wish I was Catherine. I did meet her at the retreat I attended. She really has an amazing testimony! It helped us out so much. Good luck on everything.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

What I would do in your situation is this: check your phone bill, get a VAR (I think that's what it's called, but others could confirm; I have no idea what it stands for). Are you able to track her through GPS? Also, if you make $200K a year, you can probably afford to hire yourself a private investigator. I would look until I found evidence. By the way, a $7000 hiking trip?!? I've been on hiking trips, and those are the trips I take when trying to save money. That's just ridiculous. Also, she didn't take that trip alone; she met up with the ex-boyfriend, almost guaranteed.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow I'm sorry. You seem like a really hard working husband and father, and you've been bending over backwards for a wife who enjoys taking you for a ride.

You definitely should have confronted her all that time ago about her inappropriate relationship. You need to take a hard line NOW. 

Her wanting time apart is so she can have the privacy to go test drive another relationship. Tell her she's free to go but the kids stay wit you in the house and she can expect to be served divorce papers within the next week. I am SO glad you saw through her BS about wanting to be apart. You can't fix a thing whilst apart. That's classic cheater speak.

I'm sorry, but her head is firmly up her arse, I.e, The Fog.

I don't mean to sound cruel, but I don't care if she has stage 4 cancer... You do NOT go on a "discover myself" trip like that without your husband.

You need to start asking for her phone. If she refuses, it tells you all you need to know.

I realize you're trying to nice your way to being the "winner" but you're competing for a prize not worth having. There are scores of women who do not resort to these actions when their marriage goes south for whatever reason. They have the sense to actually work on communicating and healing the marriage, not run away from it.

ETA: And DNA your children.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Once you get the rightful anger in your system, you must start to snoop. You will find proof of your wife's cheating ways. Time to use that logical engineer side of your brain for your benefit. 

Your marriage is over. She killed it with her transgressions. You have no proof, but you have her actions and actions speak louder than words.

Say nothing until you take your proof once you find it, and you will, to a lawyer and then talk to her when you present divorce papers. 

She will be blindsided after all you have been way to naive in all this matter. Be naive no more!


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

This is straight out of the cheater handbook. The only reason she is not overt are her financial concerns


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

RobK said:


> Now fast forward to lately. She recently told me that she needs space and thinks the only way to fix our marriage is to take time apart. I told her that the problem with our marriage is that we have neglected it over the past 4 years and the best way to fix it is to do more stuff as a couple together and rebuild our relationship, rather than take time apart. This has caused a huge fight to the point where she is now insisting she needs space from me and I make her miserable because I tell her that I don’t feel like she appreciates what I do and disrespects me because she isn’t having sex with me anymore.
> 
> All of this is really hard for me since I do work extremely hard for her and our family from sun up to sun down. I don’t mind doing it because I love her and my kids more than anything in the world, but this situation has been taking a toll on me personally. I don’t know what else to do to try and help her, so I agreed that we could take some space. At this point I suspect there is someone else involved but she swears there isn’t. I choose to trust her but, what do you do in a situation where you are being lied to but have no way to verify it?


Tell her she is free to go whenever she wants, but the kids stay put with you. How can she take care of them when she is out test driving another man? She is lying her ass of that there isn't someone else. Hire a PI and serve her with divorce papers once she is out.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Wanting time away...code for I want you away so I can bang the other guy any time I wish without worrying about you.

Sorry my good man she is cheating on you and you need to get real and get firm and tough. Women respect only strength. Displays of weakness turn them off and away. First thing you should consider is getting a good attorney and having her served. Secondly, DNA your kids.

I would also encourage you to read No More Mister Nice Guy and Grow A Pair by Larry Winget. These are damn good books which helped me through my debacle a couple of years ago. Additionally, you do not leave the house. She leaves. You did nothing wrong. She did.

Please listen and take to heart the advice you have been provided. It is provided by people who have "been there and done that".

As for MC forget it until you get yourself into IC. Work on yourself. You sound like a good catch for a good woman who will treat you as you should be treated. Why stay with your wife? Focus on you and read about the 180 and implement it.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> Lets start with the basics. Until your wife is willing to admit to her (at least) two affairs, take full responsibility for those affairs, shows remorse, and agrees to total transparency, there is no way to save your marriage.


This.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@RobK Welcome to TAM. Sorry you needed to seek us out, but glad you found us.

I think that your thread should be in Coping With Infidelity because I think it is highly likely your wife has cheated on you, either emotionally or physically.

If you like, a member of the moderation team could move it for you.

Please just give us a shout out, if you want it moved.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Do you remember that hiking trip that she made not long ago up to his neck of the woods? Well, methinks that the only hiking activity that was going on then was solely by him gleefully sauntering up her bunny trail!

Whether you realize it or not, you've now been pegged as her Plan B!

If I were you, I'd be seeing your lawyer for property and custodial advise ASAP!*


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

RobK said:


> My wife and I have been married for almost 9 years. We have 2 kids that are 4 and 7. The last year has been very tough for us. Here is why.
> 
> Before kids we used to do a lot of stuff together and had a great relationship. I am sure most can relate to this but having kids is not easy for a relationship.
> 
> ...



Wow, honey, you are too good for this girl. The fact that you are so concerned shows that you deeply care for her and your family. I wish my husband had an ounce of care and thoughtfulness you have in this situation. I am going to tell you that you could probably catch her with a d×ck in her mouth and she would still swear she's not cheating...thats how they roll. Also, She is playing the blame game to justify her cheating ways, don't fall into that trap, that leads to you being stuck in a limbo whole she's living it up. I know it hurts, I am in a similar situation, it hurts more than what can be described, but we'll come out better on the other side. Best wishes, take care.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

She definitely had 2 affairs. The sex uptick you had with her was her being hot for the guy at the store. He probably dumped her which is why she came home crying. 

Damn, what kind of wife & mother of 2 young kids takes a 7k "solo" vacation? One that has checked out of the family, has no respect for her servant husband, and is determine to ***** herself out on her husband's dime. 

You have been a doormat for a long time. It sounds like you're an honorable man that doesn't want your kids growing up in a broken home. You take your marital vows serious but unfortunately, you wife has taken complete advantage of you. 

You will keep experiencing drought in the bed while she stays on the hunt for a new penis to worship. Is that what you want to keep dealing with? It is better to divorce her, pursue full custody. Let her be the ***** that she wants to be. You concentrate on being a good father. At the right time, you'll meet a woman who'll be that help mate that your wife was supposed to be.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Please read this book immediately!

No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover

Your wife is abusing you and has had at a minimum two affairs.

Tell her you aren't interested in separation but will be filing for divorce.

Actually don't tell her anything and just file.

Protect yourself and your kids.

Do not leave your marital home or the kids for any reason.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mr The Other said:


> Catherine, if you had the decency to introduce yourself as the author, no-one would mind you plugging your book.



Moderator message:

If you have evidence that these posts are by the author of the book, please share it.


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## bbrad (May 30, 2012)

If you really wan to try and work things out, keep seeing the councilor, and if your wife doesn't like the one you are seeing, find one she likes. There is no proof she is cheating. Trust but verify.


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## Lia_lb2017 (Oct 6, 2017)

If you take a break to "breathe" she will take it as a go ahead to party and sleep around. The only reason she is suggesting this break is because she knows that you are a nice guy and wants to keep you as a back up in case any other guy she screws around with doesn't work out. Put on your big boy pants and walk away. This relationship is over, at least in her head. She is pity promising you things now. Rip the band aid off. Things do get better.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Rob_1 said:


> I cannot understand how a man with an engineering degree does not have the cognitive capability to see what's been hitting him in the head wide-open.
> 
> My advice to you is to wake-up and realize that your wife has had emotional and physical affairs that you on some level recognize but refuse to see, because you are so afraid of the consequences and preferred to act all wimpy and weak playing the pathetic "pick me" dance.
> 
> ...


Because a spouse is not an engineering problem?


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