# Need advice. About to talk with my wife that took off her wedding rings this morning



## AWsman (Feb 6, 2013)

I need advice fast. I meant to post earlier today, but work got in the way. My wife and I have been fighting so much lately, and this morning she handed me her wedding rings and said she couldn't do it anymore. 

Quick background: My wife and I are both second marriages for each other. We have a blended family (her 4 and my 2). I know it sounds like a lot, but the kids aren't the problem. It just works amazingly. We fell in love in high school, lost touch after her best friend lied to us both so she could be with me, and reconnected after marrying other people. We were both going through divorces when we reconnected. This isn't a marriage where we jumped in thinking things were as they were in high school...we knew each other well before we got married.

Sexually, in the beginning, it was amazing as most young relationships are. I awakened her, and she showed me what it was like to have sex with someone you were actually bonded to. We marry, she moves in with me, and things go well. 

Now I have a problem (yes, I know I'm wrong, so I don't need 2x4s). When we don't have sex for weeks, I get short, and snap at her. She then shuts down, and doesn't have desire for sex with me. Things get worse and worse until it all blows up like this morning. We make up, things get better, and the cycle continues. I know I shouldn't be short with her, and usually the sex stops because I complain that she doesn't initiate. I just can't seem to get a grip on this.

Our other problem is when we have a fight, she wont talk. She says "I'm not doing this right now." When I leave it alone and wait for her to be ready to "do this," she never brings anything up. She makes small talk and acts like everything is ok. This drives me insane! I would LOVE for her to come to me when things go wrong and want to work it out. I feel that she doesn't care.

This is so short and not everything I need to say, but please, people tell me how to fix what I'm doing wrong. Tell me if you've been in this spot and how you've dealt with it. I didn't hurt for this woman for years not knowing where she was to finally have her as my wife to have it end like this. I can't accept that. I'm in love with her, and for our lives to be separated would be like death to me.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

why dont you have sex "for weeks", to begin with?
is that how it has been for your entire marriage? or is it abnormal?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Wow, imagine if instead of snapping at her, like anything positive is going to come out of that, you just told her that after weeks of no sex you miss her. Tell her that when she doesn't initiate it makes you feel like she doesn't miss you and give her a chance to answer. What she says will be telling.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

AWsman said:


> Our other problem is when we have a fight, she wont talk. She says "I'm not doing this right now." When I leave it alone and wait for her to be ready to "do this," she never brings anything up. She makes small talk and acts like everything is ok. This drives me insane! I would LOVE for her to come to me when things go wrong and want to work it out. I feel that she doesn't care.


This is exactly what I do in a fight when things are getting heated with me and my H. Why do I do it? Because nit picking and getting in each other's face is EXHAUSTING. I say the same thing to my H, because frankly, fights only cause more topics to come up, and with more topics equals more fighting. THERE'S NO END!!! lol sorry, but that's how it is with fighting. I'm just telling you that if she's anything like me, which it sounds like she is, that she doesn't see any good coming out of nagging and yelling each other's ears off until you both end up slamming doors in each others faces.

It's probably not that she doesn't "care". She cares so much that she doesn't want to escalate the situation. And also, fighting is just plain draining!!

I also have some questions for you. Are you the type that always has to be right? Do you drag on conversations, and talk her ear off at times thinking that the more you say the more she will give in? 

Give us more detail about what happens during these fights.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

AWsman said:


> Now I have a problem (yes, I know I'm wrong, so I don't need 2x4s). When we don't have sex for weeks, I get short, and snap at her.


This isn't just your problem. Married men need sex. We just do. And when you neglect a need of your spouse's, your spouse will become needy. This isn't rocket science. You are simply a slave to your biological and emotional need for sex. Stop beating yourself up about it.

Now, obviously snapping at your wife is not an effective way to seduce her. That's where your problem is. So stop snapping at her. You don't have to stop being angry with her. You don't have to be happy having infrequent sex. But you do need to change your approach.



> Tell me if you've been in this spot and how you've dealt with it.


I was in your situation. My wife wouldn't initiate sex. We had sex around twice a month, on average. And then I changed.

I read the Married Man Sex Life Primer and the author revealed my wife's psychology to me. Now, I understand what my wife wants. I understand that, when she says one thing, sometimes she means the opposite. I know what she wants, and I know what she needs. And I can give it to her. And she's more attracted to me and having more sex with me.

Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.

Good luck.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Your wife gave you her ring back this morning and you went to work. There's something wrong with that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Kobo said:


> Your wife gave you her ring back this morning and you went to work. There's something wrong with that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly. What is she supposed to make of that? Is your marriage a priority or not? You talk a good game about it being important, but yet your actions say otherwise.


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## JustAnotherMan (Jun 27, 2012)

acknowledging this is a post by a man that has received far less sex and affection than I need.

You got short and snapped at her after weeks of no sex? Ummm, I get snappy after 5 or 6 days of no sex! It is what men NEED to feel loved. You go weeks without feeling loved and you snap and you think you deserve a 2x4? Alright, snapping is bad, but I think the lack of intimacy is worse...well, depending how nasty your "snap" is.

She takes off her ring and says she is done? No pressure there man... 

Why do we end up with roomates when we married wives?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Agree with some of the above posters

Why do you want to continue with a marriage where your needs are not met?

She knows that sex is important to you and yet the two of you never get to the task of discussing frequencies. Instead the two of you just keep going round and round with this cycle.

While she doesn't intiate, does she respond when you initiate? Some women (and men) are not initiators but they do respond to overtures. Others are rejectors who find any and no reasons to rebuff answers. What does your wife do?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

She took the rings off... you file for divorce.

Call her bluff with like action. That is a big deal.

She did it to get at you... don't let her get away with it.
Make her make a decision. Pretty sure she'll fold.

Either way you win.
Use her actions against her.

Be the man... don't put up with her **** without a strong response.

These women are CRAZY.
You are married you deserve regular sex... end of story.

Your wife deserves to be loved always...make that happen.

Or find a new one.


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## AWsman (Feb 6, 2013)

Wow, thank you folks for all of the responses. I greatly appreciate your taking the time from your lives to help me. Very humbling.

I hope my experiences last night will help someone else.

First, I need to clarify the situation where she removed her rings and I went to work. She removed her rings, gave them to me, and was very, very emotional. She said that she couldn't stand to see the look of sadness on my face anymore and she was exhausted and just couldn't do it anymore. I tried to calm her down, I asked her to put her rings back on, to continue to pray about our marriage, and we would talk that evening. She and I both work at the same law firm; she was to train an employee from our satellite office, and I had to be at work for other reasons. So, we agreed that we'd go to work (we agreed that we should have stayed home, any most other days we could have, but this particular day it just wasn't possible) and talk in the evening.

So we come to work yesterday, both upset, but we tough it out. We go to lunch together, mostly small talk but it was nice. At the end of the work day, I texted her and told her that I didn't want to go home, that I wanted to go somewhere else to talk, so we went to the park. I wont go into every detail here, but we had a very very good talk...probably better than we've had for years.

First and foremost, she apologized for the ring situation. She was just at the end of her rope, hurt, frustrated, exhausted, etc., but she acknowledged that it was the wrong thing to do. We've both thrown the D-word at each other, but we made a commitment not to ever do that again. Time to grow up a little and learn to deal with our emotions better.

I explained to her that there are really only two or three issues in our relationship that get bigger and blown out of proportion, such as our inability to communicate when one of us is upset or angry, and the intimate part of our relationship. I explained to her that my high sex drive is because of HER. Just being in the same room with her causes me to desire her. I apologized for being short with her and snapping at her. I explained to her that when I'm hurting or when there is something wrong with our relationship, I want to fix it, not talk about the weather. I told her how that drives me nuts (I'm that way with anything...if I can't figure it out, it drives me nuts until I find a way to fix it) because she never comes to me to discuss anything when things go wrong. She explained that when we've had a bad fight, sometimes she needs the small talk to just know that she still has her best friend and to feel that normalcy. I think I get it now. I explained to her that I understand that, but if she wants me to back off during a fight, then she has to come to me later and pick up the discussion again. She agreed. 

As for sex, she explained that there are times that I want it, and she can't for whatever reason (illness, period, etc.), I sometimes act put out, aggravated, disappointed, etc. I told her that I didn't realize I was doing that (she does this to me too, so she understood) and I apologized. She loves sex with me. She said that for her, when she feels like when she can't even talk to me without me snapping at her, she doesn't desire sex, just as when I don't feel her desire for sex, I turn that into there's an issue in our marriage, etc. I totally see where she's coming from. She and I both agreed, however, that sometimes when we've had a bad day, it's ok to go to bed and make love to each other. I explained that it's not using sex to fix problems, it's enjoying that bond and that's ok. 

Bottom line, I'm wrong to pretty much pout and get pissy when she doesn't show me that she wants me in the way I think she should. She's the type of person that can only focus on one or two things at a time, and sometimes our relationship, including our sex life, gets ignored. She acknowledged that. 

We agreed that we need to keep working on our marriage for the rest of our life. We agreed that we need to make each other feel safe in talking things out, and we agreed that we are safe to express our needs to each other, sexual or otherwise, no matter what. We also agreed that we need to keep our emotions in check and stop doing things to hurt each other, i.e. taking off our wedding ring. Neither of us want a divorce. We are very much in love with each other, and we really do like each other...just not when we let this kind of crap creeps in.

Someone above asked me if I'm the type that wants to talk until her ears fall off...YES!! However, I don't always have to be right. I just have a tenancy to go on and on because I just want to fix it. We've talked about that before, and I don't do that too much these days. I stop talking when she gets exhausted or just needs a break from the conversation, but I explained to her if I am expected to do that, I need her to pick the conversation back up again later instead of just making small talk and never mentioning it again. I also acknowledged that some things don't need to be picked back up...some things just need to be let go. I need to work on not letting the issue eat at me and in the mean time and cause me to be short and rude with her, which only compounds the problem. 

Bottom line guys, we are supposed to protect our wives and show them how much we love them. Not to get laid, not to have our own needs met, but because that's what we're supposed to do. If our wives withhold sex (mine does not do this on purpose...she said that sex with me means something. If she could have sex with me when I'm short and nasty with her, then she would be capable of having sex with just anyone...totally get that) then that's an issue that has to be addressed. For me, I have this idea in my mind of how she's supposed to show me she wants me, and when it doesn't happen, I get in a mood. Totally wrong on my part. My wife is very sexual, and only with me (she doesn't read all the 50 shades books, look at porn, etc.) because it means more than just an orgasm. She shares things with me that she hasn't with other men. I need to stop overlooking all of that and stop saying, "Yea, but...."

I'm happy that I have a wife that loves me enough to not only stay with me, but she cares that I'm happy and loves me unconditionally. I'm excited for us both to change some things and see what happens.

I hope this helps someone! Your opinions and advice are still welcome.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

AWsman said:


> I explained to her that there are really only two or three issues in our relationship that get bigger and blown out of proportion, such as our inability to communicate when one of us is upset or angry, and the intimate part of our relationship. I explained to her that my high sex drive is because of HER.


I would be careful here. It sounds to me like you're still putting the blame on her. If you're saying that communication is one of your big problems, and that she's the one who doesn't communicate, then you're saying that she's the problem. And that's a dangerous thing to say to your wife.



> She explained that when we've had a bad fight, sometimes she needs the small talk to just know that she still has her best friend and to feel that normalcy. I think I get it now. I explained to her that I understand that, but if she wants me to back off during a fight, then she has to come to me later and pick up the discussion again. She agreed.


Again, you're saying that you'll give her what she needs temporarily, as long as she commits to give you what you need in the end. That's a good deal for you. It's not as good a deal for her.



> I also acknowledged that some things don't need to be picked back up...some things just need to be let go. I need to work on not letting the issue eat at me and in the mean time and cause me to be short and rude with her, which only compounds the problem.


Exactly. Figure out what your wife gets out of it and focus on giving her that. For men, we like to dissect problems and work on solving the components. Women don't like that. They like to talk about problems just to have an experience. They probably want to solve their problems. But they sure as hell don't want to talk about solving their problems.

You really do need to read the Married Man Sex Life Primer. It will improve your sex life by cluing you in to what your wife wants from you. Once you're giving your wife what she needs, it frees her up to have sex.

Good luck.


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## AWsman (Feb 6, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> I would be careful here. It sounds to me like you're still putting the blame on her. If you're saying that communication is one of your big problems, and that she's the one who doesn't communicate, then you're saying that she's the problem. And that's a dangerous thing to say to your wife.
> 
> 
> Again, you're saying that you'll give her what she needs temporarily, as long as she commits to give you what you need in the end. That's a good deal for you. It's not as good a deal for her.


I see what you're saying but during our conversation, it didn't come out like that. We discussed the fact that we need to learn to communicate better without all the drama, and when she needs to stop the conversation to cool down, etc., then she needs to come back later when she's ready instead of ignoring the situation. She agreed that this is a problem.



PHTlump said:


> Exactly. Figure out what your wife gets out of it and focus on giving her that. For men, we like to dissect problems and work on solving the components. Women don't like that. They like to talk about problems just to have an experience. They probably want to solve their problems. But they sure as hell don't want to talk about solving their problems.


Totally agree.



PHTlump said:


> You really do need to read the Married Man Sex Life Primer. It will improve your sex life by cluing you in to what your wife wants from you. Once you're giving your wife what she needs, it frees her up to have sex.


I will definitely pick that book up. I've heard a lot of good things about it.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

AWsman said:


> Wow, thank you folks for all of the responses. I greatly appreciate your taking the time from your lives to help me. Very humbling.
> 
> I hope my experiences last night will help someone else.
> 
> ...


Sounds exactly the way my wife and I talked over 2 years ago... don't get your hopes up.
We agreed to all the same things... work hard on the marriage blah blah blah.
Still sexless. You might have it easier IF you wife is telling you the truth.

Action trumps words. She has the upper hand right now....takes years to change that.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I hope you and your W can work this out like you have talked about. Take it one day at a time and treat her like the gem she is. Keep us posted!


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