# Tonight's the "D" telling night



## betweenworlds (Nov 9, 2011)

I've posted before (I think twice) and always deleted them because I am super sensitive and got some not so nice 'advice' plus was afraid my husband would recognize me if he went "searching."

I have been married between 15 and 20 years (just using generalizations) to the same man. We met in our early 20's. We have had a pretty good relationship. The only thing we ever REALLY argued about was booze. He's a heavy drinker and borderline functioning alcoholic (have a whole family full of them so I know the difference). We started having children about five years into the marriage after we traveled a bit and spent "us time."

Since then we've had more than 5 children (!). I stayed at home and cared for them while always keeping a hand part time in a work-from-home position.

The intimacy - like so many others on this board - is just gone. It's BEEN gone for a long time on MY part, not his. He'd have sex every single day. He is constantly trying to cop a feel or look at me dress. His sex drive is in hyperdrive whereas mine is super low (I take antidepressants and antimigraine meds for migraines of over 30 years) All these meds contribute to a low libido and I refuse to give them up. Intimacy is a different story. I lost that four years or so ago from years of emotional neglect. 

We recently moved our family from our home state while my spouse still works out of state. He visits several weeks a month and telecommutes. Since having time alone I have "re-discovered" myself. I hadn't realized how lonely, lost and depressed I really was. My spouse doesn't like the "new" me and insists I am probably seeing someone.

Anyway, I have come to the point where I can't take it. I hate to see him unhappy and unfulfilled. He deserves to have his needs met and I just can't do it. I saw a lawyer yesterday so I have my ducks in a row.

Tonight is "the talk" and I have a migraine which I hope to kick before he gets in around dinner time. Any advice from those who have "been there, done that" would be much appreciated.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi Between sorry you here it is hard to be intimate with a spouse that's hardly ever home
I think that you should decide what you want in a marriage and do what needs to be done to get their
If yr spouses drinking is untolerable then set that boundary.
Good Luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Carol/BC (Mar 23, 2012)

I haven't been divorced, so I can't speak from any experience. My husband, however, has been thru two of them and maintains he wouldn't wish it on his worst enemy...it's just too painful (that includes the heartbreak and loss that leads up to the decision.)

From the sound of it, you haven't made the decision flippantly, your well aware of the ramifications of alcohol and you realize there's a happier 'you' inside yourself. You've got big reasons to believe that you and your kids will benefit from new living arrangements. When parents split up I always hope they've worked really hard to do anything they can to prevent the breakup -- kids deserve that -- and it sounds like you have. Alcohol doesn't leave much left over.

I guess if there was anything I could say, I'd say get a firm mental picture of you and your family as you want it to be in the future -- lots of love and connectedness. Focus on moving into that good place, and watch that you don't get seduced by anger. Anger is the hardest thing to manage, I think. A couple of years ago my husband and I got done dirty by someone we thought was a friend - I was surprised at how hard it was to let the anger go. Many nights of no sleep and stewing in fury...it still gets me from time to time.

So...get yourself to a good place. Focus on the good stuff to come, not the bad stuff that's the past. Demand happiness. Stay strong. My best to you!


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

betweenworlds said:


> Um, so yeah - thanks 164 people for viewing and not responding or offering any support at all.


urgh


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

So Between, how did it go? I curious to ear what you have to say.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

How did it go? 
What do you want for your future? Do you see yourself with someone else or being alone? 
Divorce is really difficult, been through it. In my situation, it was really awful. I had to leave for my daughter's sake. The divorce process was a nightmare but my life is so much better now. I don't regret it one bit! 
Let us know what happened ok?


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## Knoxvillekelly (Mar 17, 2012)

I have never been there, but I wish you strength, courage, and wisdom.


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## betweenworlds (Nov 9, 2011)

I just told him this morning. Just didn't have the nerve to do it then. We've been having long talks leading up to hinting on it, but never really mentioning it. Not to mention every 5 minutes one of the kids would interrupt us. 

So all the kids were at school except the 3 year old. He drank a LOT of whiskey last night, mostly because I think he knows in his heart what's coming, so he was hung over this morning. So when he made it down stairs to eat and get coffee I told him. He got angry - called me controlling - said he was a grown man who could drink if he wanted without me telling him what to do.

It's awful. As of this very moment he has a moving company out here to give an estimate on moving back to our original state. I am not even sure I want to go back! This is going to get messy


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## Carol/BC (Mar 23, 2012)

I reread your OP carefully and saw that both of you have unmet needs - his sexual, yours emotional - and, at one time, you had a pretty good relationship. Is there any chance the relationship is salvageable?

I'm going to comment on sex in a marriage, and I hope you take it well...thoughtfully - I don't know a thing about your relationship, so I may be way off base, and it may be way too late.

Men have a whole different relationship to sex than I do - and I was always quite fond of it. But it's a whole different deal to men. Sex stuff, from the tiniest visual thing to the whole enchilada, bathes them in feel-good warm fuzzies. Your meds, and the deterioration of the relationship, has led to a sexless marriage. That's a deal-breaker for many men. 

If this marriage is to be salvaged, sex and the alcohol have to be addressed. Could those two negotiating points be motivation for starting peace talks? You know, little baby steps? Counselors are helpful in this arena because they can suggest give-and-take challenges for each person. I'm not suggesting you get off your meds, but a total lack of libido/sex will be a problem in any relationship... either this one or in your future ones.

Like I said, it may be too late, but I'm grasping for straws. No matter what, he's father to your kids, so I'm looking for the happiest, healthiest ending. Any chance of a family intervention for his drinking? Marriage counseling? Anything to turn this situation around.


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

If you are not sure of wanting to move back, what do you want? It's very important to you have a happy life, how can you gt there then?


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Complexity said:


> urgh


There are a lot of "lurkers" here. Don't let it get you down.


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## betweenworlds (Nov 9, 2011)

We've been to almost five months of marriage counseling - even the counselor said he drank a lot. We went on an intensive weekend retreat for couples that was "supposed" to work for up to 80% of couple who attend. We did well at first, but again it went down hill.

I would like to remain friends if that's at ALL possible for the sake of the kids. He's a good man at heart it's I who cannot handle his drinking and really shouldn't have to handle it.

I know he has needs and I feel really bad they aren't being met and in a way I set him free. Perhaps there is someone with a higher drive than myself.

I at least hope we can be friends.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Sex, intimacy, comunication problems, blah blah blah. All of those are symptoms to what is really going on. The drinking. I am married to a heavy drinker who will not stop no matter what I do or say. That doesn't make me want to be intimate with him, so our love lives dies a slow death. You are not able or willing to put up with it anymore. You are doing the right thing and being a lot stronger than most (including me). Let him go with love and after all the crap you have to go through to divorce, at the end will be a free soul not worried about a drunk. Stay strong and hang in there!


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Set the boundry that he needs to attend AA or go to rehab or both, as you can no longer stand the person he has become due to his drinking issues. And file this should be a good wake up call if not then move on to someone who can meet your needs and wants too. 

Good Luck


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## betweenworlds (Nov 9, 2011)

Endless, thank you.

In the wind, I tried asking him to go to AA - he won't because he doesn't see it as a problem. He said to me today, "I hold down a job, I am not in accidents, etc." He thinks I am trying to "control" him in asking him to stop. The best I could do is get him to stop drinking in front of the children. THAT took a LONG time.

I have a sibling who is also an alcoholic and so was my father who died in '87 in a car accident when he was two times the legal limit. My sibling has been in and out of rehab and just last week was in a serious car accident.

I just can't take any MORE alcohol ruining people's lives, including mine.


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## Carol/BC (Mar 23, 2012)

I'm heartened to hear of the work you are both doing - counseling for 5 months! Yay! Retreat for couples - Yay! So, what's the snag? (don't just say "drinking" because that doesn't give me any information).


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*Let him go with love and after all the crap you have to go through to divorce, at the end will be a free soul not worried about a drunk. Stay strong and hang in there! *

:iagree:

You are already finding peace. And it GETS BETTER!!! Drunks are hard to live with....and angry drunks are hard to deal with. 

Get your ducks in a row. Get financial papers together and see an attorney. You can't just talk about divorce with an angry drunk... you just have to bite the bullet and do it. 

You have to know.... it may get worse before it gets better. But you do what you have to do. You don't have to move back because he said. Call and cancel the moving truck.... UNLESS, it's to your advantage to move back and divorce from that state. Knowledge is power.... use your time away from him to do all the homework you can. 

It's doable. Not easy, not fun.... but the rewards (Freaking peace of mind = PRICELESS) are well worth it.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

betweenworlds said:


> I just told him this morning. Just didn't have the nerve to do it then. So when he made it down stairs to eat and get coffee I told him. He got angry - called me controlling - said he was a grown man who could drink if he wanted without me telling him what to do.
> 
> It's awful. As of this very moment he has a moving company out here to give an estimate on moving back to our original state. I am not even sure I want to go back! This is going to get messy


You told him you wanted a divorce and he said he's a grown man who could drink if he wants and he has a moving company giving an estimate on moving back to your original state and you're not even sure you want to go back? And since you aren't sure you want to go back it's going to get messy? Why would you move anywhere with him if you want a divorce? And didnt you think telling him that you wanted a divorce would lead to things getting messy??

Is it me or are lots of posts just not making sense tonight?


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## betweenworlds (Nov 9, 2011)

Hisfac, sorry you are "confused" here. We are originially from another state where all our family and friends live and where my husband works as well. We've been in this new state since last July and signed a two year lease which the landlord, if necessary is willing to let us out of in one year. 

Husband claims he can't find a job in new state after 10 months of being here. I claim he hasn't really tried all that hard, but that's my opinion.

Yes, I am intelligent enough to know this would get messy and even messier because of the circumstance of how we are living at the moment. Hope that clears things up.

I saw my regular therapist that I see (she regulates medicine for chronic migraines and chronic anxiety) today. She has been a therapist (she's also an MD) for 30 years that my husband is a full blown alcoholic. THIS is the source, though there are a lot of other issues that affect us.

I need to decide what is best for the children. Uprooting them AGAIN and going back to our old state where the cost of living is sky high or stay here where they are now adjusted. CLEAR?


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

What would be the best for you children then?


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

So technically he is what is known as a functioning alcoholic. Based on yr previous post you can stay 
In the state yr currently in but you don't have to live with him. Again accepting 
Unacceptable behavior is classic codependency I would set yr boundaries give him 
He either will do it or he will not if not then file see if that will straighten him out
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## betweenworlds (Nov 9, 2011)

> What would be the best for you children then?


I would probably have to say staying here only because for almost a year they have gotten "used to" their Dad coming and going. If we move it will be into a small townhouse (since there are six kids) and he will also have to do so. If we go back it would be more of a drastic living situation than they are used to - coming and going from one house to another.

If we stay here at least the downstairs is finished with a separate entrance. That might work for a while.

The therapist today gave the name of a couple's therapist and said he specialized in addictions and that we should go.


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

What is good for your children, is it good for you too?
I can understand that children are important, but what about you? What about your life?


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## betweenworlds (Nov 9, 2011)

I suppose. I am starting to make friends. I like the fact that I am kind of starting over - getting away from all the chaos we left behind in the old state. Yes, I think things would be good here for me. 

When my kids are happy, I am happy


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## First Time Wife (Mar 14, 2012)

Between,

I am worried to put in my opinion because I am young and have little experience. I will say that I am married to a recovering drug addict who has been clean and sober for 7 years and 6 months. He spent time in prison because his addiction like most lead to terrible choices and the end result was that he had to pay for those choices. I respect him for the fact that he did change his life for the better. The other aspect is that once and addict always and addict. I say this lightly because I do not think the word addiction is black and white I think there is a wide range. I like to drink but I also know I do not like who I am when I drink and that is because I drink for the wrong reasons. This may not mean I am an alcoholic but I this does mean that I use alcohol as a drug for myself. The point I am slowly getting to is that he in my opinion is self medicating and does not want to see it for what it is. My husband does not admit he manipulates me or tries to, this is a behavior he used in the past and still uses. I have learned to find peace in myself in my own ways, doing something that makes you happy. For me it was getting my college degree. You sound like a great mother and friend. I hope the best for you, remember that challenges are there to humble you so you can truely appreciate the small glimmers of light.


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