# 26 with no sex drive...HELP



## jesspreder (Nov 6, 2010)

Ok, Ive been married for a year, and this has been a problem on and off in our relationship for the past 4 years. I have zero sex drive and no desire to do it. I know it is not my husband. I get home and I am so exhausted and tired that sex feels more like another thing I have to do when all I want to do is get some sleep! I wouldn't be so concerned if we had kids, but we dont.

I've had blood tests and there is no medical reason for my extreme exhaustion. I've switched birth control a million times. I've gone off of my anti anxiety meds. I have no clue whats causing this. I have a positive self esteem and body image, no past molestation or abuse, I"M STUMPED!

Its getting to the point where my husband is so frustrated by this that he is starting to resent me, and hes shutting down. He feels unloved and unattractive, and I would too. He knows I've tried, but at this point he's starting to give up. He doesn't understand why I can't "Just do it"...I've tried that. I will psych myself up and plan to do it, but then I get home, and fall asleep on the couch. I've tried plan romantic dates so hopefully I'll be in the mood, tried different positions, bought lingere, NOTHING seems to work. What should I do? Anyone else been through this?


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Please tell me how many hours you work every day!

What do you do? 

Do you work on the farm too?

I can really understand your husband's frustration. I am a woman who have a high sexual desire, I really understand the frustration when one isn't satisfied sexually. 

Your problem here is helping me understand why it is difficult for your husband to communicate in your other thread. 

He has a lot of frustration!


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Do you watch porn?

Do you read books about romance?

Please find time when you are not exhausted, and do something together. 

I think you know the importance of sex in a marriage. 

No matter how busy your life is, set up certain time for fun time. When you understand the importance of this, it is easy!

I know it might sound weird for me to tell you to think just view it like work.

We know the importance of work, we have to work, so we get paid, so we have food and a shelter.

But sex in a marriage is like one of our important organs in the body, if we don't have it, our marriage suffers and eventually it might die. 

If your man is satisfied sexually, I think in many ways he'll treat you sweetly, especially after you are trying so hard.


----------



## jesspreder (Nov 6, 2010)

I know...deep down this is the cause of my fighting fair problem I think!
I teach high school, and have a long commute...1 1/2 hours.
He works 3 jobs.
Sex interest is zero....I dont get turned on by porn, romance novels etc...in fact sometimes I find myself discusted by it.
I want to do other things that are intimate, like holding hands, kissing etc...but he has shut down.


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

jesspreder said:


> I know...deep down this is the cause of my fighting fair problem I think!
> I teach high school, and have a long commute...1 1/2 hours.
> He works 3 jobs.
> Sex interest is zero....I dont get turned on by porn, romance novels etc...in fact sometimes I find myself discusted by it.
> I want to do other things that are intimate, like holding hands, kissing etc...but he has shut down.


I just read your other post, you say that your husband want it everyday or none. That's really not nice of him thinking that way. 

I am a teacher too. So I really understand your frustration as a teacher. We get really worked up by students often. 

1 1/2 hours on the road and plus school hours, I don't know how much time you have at home. 

I don't think your husband understand the importance of being romantic to you. This you have to let him know. He just wants sex, but he doesn't know how to get you in the mood, the problem is here. 

He has to find out how to become romantic and light your fire!


----------



## jesspreder (Nov 6, 2010)

but its a vicious circle...i tell him that, that if he was more romantic and did more to lighten my load around the house that I might be in the mood more. He says that he would want to do that stuff if we had sex more. He's stubborn and wont give in, and obviously its not that easy for me to just have sex with him....so we're stuck


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Jess,

Someone has to start first. Since you are here on TAM already, you really want to work out your problem. 

Please don't mind being the one to make the first move. It is OK to lose our war to our husbands, they are our husbands. It is important to win their hearts. 

Please make the first move, make him happy, then see what goes, men can be like children whey they get their toys. 

So lure him, bribe him, and see what happens. 

After this, let him know the importance of getting you in the mood. 

Daily kiss, daily touch, daily spank(lovingly), daily stroke, daily grope, daily fondle, request him to do all this.


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Jess,

Both of you are pretty young. 

Both of you need to master the skill of communication. 

He might be a stubborn little boy, and he needs to learn how to communicate with you. 

Does he really need to work so many jobs? Too much work can stress people out, and they don't take time to enjoy life!

Please treat me like an old sister, I am 37. 

It will be a good idea for him to go to a marriage forum to discuss life with others!

On TAM, MEM11363 might be a man your husband should seek advice from. He is mild and he knows how to communicate with his wife. My husband also knows how to communicate, but he seldom comes to TAM.


----------



## jesspreder (Nov 6, 2010)

Well I am going to make a try...I feel bad though because I have been getting his hopes up for months that im trying and that something is going to work, and then it doesnt. Hes still freezing me out from our last fight so this might be a way to get him out of that. I am going back to the dr. on the 16th and to an initial eval for counceling on the 10th.I know he wants to make this work, but the problem is he doesnt want to do it if it involves touchy feely emotional stuff. I know the councelor may want to speak with him and I guess that might be the test as to how much he wants to help me overcome this problem. 
I cant see him coming onto something like this...remember he doesn't like to talk about stuff 
THe overwork is also an issue we have had. He does need to work all three, partly to keep things on the farm running and partly to help me with household expenses. I try telling him he needs to make time for himself and find things to do to relax (except his relaxation and stress relief is sex) but he doesnt like to talk about things that make him seem weak....Thank you for the advice and understanding!


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Jess,

My father-in-law is a farmer, I understand the stress they have, long hours. 

My husband also doesn't like to talk feelings with people, that's why he doesn't like to come to ATM either, this part, I understand your husband. 

Hope he listens to the doctor!!!

Good communication skills is one importance thing for a happy marriage. 

Both of you really have to learn to acquire that!

I am going to a coffee shop with my husband now. 

Talk to you soon!


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Jess,
Clearly you have a sincere desire to work this out. Lets start from the base of the pyramid. If you are exhausted it is hard to feel desire even if you have a naturally strong drive. 

Are you currently doing the core lifestyle stuff that helps with energy level:
- Exercise - this one is the single most important one
- Getting at least 7/8 hours of sleep a night
- Eating healthy (this last one is big - refined sugars and fats can effect our energy levels greatly)

Have you ever used a diaphragm? Works like magic - we used it for a decade without a single accident and has zero side effects. 

In general do you find him to be attractive? 

Is he working more/less/the same hours as you when commute time is factored in? If the "same" why isn't he doing his share of housework?

What happens on Saturday/Sunday when you are able to sleep in and are rested? Do you feel any desire for him on those days? 




jesspreder said:


> Ok, Ive been married for a year, and this has been a problem on and off in our relationship for the past 4 years. I have zero sex drive and no desire to do it. I know it is not my husband. I get home and I am so exhausted and tired that sex feels more like another thing I have to do when all I want to do is get some sleep! I wouldn't be so concerned if we had kids, but we dont.
> 
> I've had blood tests and there is no medical reason for my extreme exhaustion. I've switched birth control a million times. I've gone off of my anti anxiety meds. I have no clue whats causing this. I have a positive self esteem and body image, no past molestation or abuse, I"M STUMPED!
> 
> Its getting to the point where my husband is so frustrated by this that he is starting to resent me, and hes shutting down. He feels unloved and unattractive, and I would too. He knows I've tried, but at this point he's starting to give up. He doesn't understand why I can't "Just do it"...I've tried that. I will psych myself up and plan to do it, but then I get home, and fall asleep on the couch. I've tried plan romantic dates so hopefully I'll be in the mood, tried different positions, bought lingere, NOTHING seems to work. What should I do? Anyone else been through this?


----------



## jesspreder (Nov 6, 2010)

mem-
I am working on the excercise thing...once again its a vicious cycle..its the last thing I feel like doing when I get home, since I have to make dinner, and straigthen things up, and I already am up at 5AM to make it to work on time, so I dont want to add it to my morning. I eat right and most nights I get 7-8 hrs. I have never tried a diaphram...thats an option.

I do find him attractive so I dont get this non desire thing, but its been like this with all my relationships...never been that sexually driven.

Most days his work time is somewhat equal to my work time +commute. His line of thinking is that if he has to do home improvement, then he shouldnt have to help around the house. I say that dishes need to be done and meals cooked every day, home improvement is maybe once a month...(this is a common arguement we have.) He then counters that he will take over all the housework if I do home imporvement...which I know nothing about, and we bought an older home so theres lots to do...to me it seems that he just makes this excuse because he doesnt want to do dishes or cook at the end of the day, BUT NEITHER DO I after a long day! Those are the only two things I really want him to help with, and my arguement always is that if he has time to come home and take an hour nap, hes got 15 min to do the dishes....
Weekends dont make a difference. However this is usually when I make myself do it because I dont have to get up at a certian time.


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Jess,

When we stop arguing, we have a lot of time doing positive things. If we spend time arguing and feeling bad, then a lot of time are wasted on these little things. 

Please never assume that if this this, then he'll that that, he might be thinking the same thing. 

I guess your husband is confused, frustrated, and lost. He has no energy to do things you want him to do. When a person is not happy, no matter how much time he has, he just doesn't have the energy and mood to do anything. 

You two are seeing a doctor soon, hope something works out at that time. 

We all want things to work out for you two. You are young, there is a lot to learn, please take the time and learn. There is so much to learn about life, I am still learning, and I will keep on learning!!!


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'm married to a woman with zero sex drive. She not only is not interested in sex but seems to have no interest in romance or passion at all. I tried jumping through all the hoops, cooking, cleaning, generally trying to lighten her load and earn my way into being treated as a human being. It hasn't worked for me and I can honestly say I that one-sided giving gets old pretty quickly. I exist to earn a paycheck and work around the house and that's pretty much it. What is there to look forward to? Being turned down or ignored isn't fun. Feeling resentful isn't fun. It pretty much feels like I'm invisible, that whether I'm here, in Afghanistan, or six feet under, it'd all be the same. I'm almost 50. No point in getting a divorce and starting over. I've been dealing with this about 9 years and pretty much resigned myself to the fact that it just "is" what it is. I figure I'll take advantage of some of the great contractor offers and get myself deployed to Afghanistan. Being celibate there pays a lot better and is a lot less frustrating. Over there, I can at least make believe that I'm actually a normal heterosexual, married guy. I can support her financially even better from over there. Eventually, my sex drive will drop to zero, too. Kudos to you for recognizing the problem and, at least, trying to do something about it.


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> I'm married to a woman with zero sex drive. She not only is not interested in sex but seems to have no interest in romance or passion at all. I tried jumping through all the hoops, cooking, cleaning, generally trying to lighten her load and earn my way into being treated as a human being. It hasn't worked for me and I can honestly say I that one-sided giving gets old pretty quickly. I exist to earn a paycheck and work around the house and that's pretty much it. What is there to look forward to? Being turned down or ignored isn't fun. Feeling resentful isn't fun. It pretty much feels like I'm invisible, that whether I'm here, in Afghanistan, or six feet under, it'd all be the same. I'm almost 50. No point in getting a divorce and starting over. I've been dealing with this about 9 years and pretty much resigned myself to the fact that it just "is" what it is. I figure I'll take advantage of some of the great contractor offers and get myself deployed to Afghanistan. Being celibate there pays a lot better and is a lot less frustrating. Over there, I can at least make believe that I'm actually a normal heterosexual, married guy. I can support her financially even better from over there. Eventually, my sex drive will drop to zero, too. Kudos to you for recognizing the problem and, at least, trying to do something about it.


unbelievable,

I understand your frustration, and I respect your decision. It is not easy for you, but you choose to endure! Not many people have the kind of self-control ability like you do! You are great!


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'm not great. At 49, I'm just too old to go through the divorce thing again. If i were 26, I'd be outta here like a roman candle was strapped to my backside.


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> I'm not great. At 49, I'm just too old to go through the divorce thing again. If i were 26, I'd be outta here like a roman candle was strapped to my backside.



I did it when I was 29!

Being through similar situation, I understand your pain!!!


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

unbelievable said:


> I'm not great. At 49, I'm just too old to go through the divorce thing again.


I don't think 49 is that old, hopefully when you are 69, you won't look back and regret this, trying to fill your days just for the sake of Integrity -meanwhile being eaten alive with Resentment & pain. What about Happiness & Fullfillment ? Most could never do what you do. I am too selfish, I admit it outright. I think you deserve better!!! There is nothing wrong with being selfish for your own happiness when your spouse is being equally, even MORE so, keeping from you what she vowed to give to you through marraige. 

You are indeed a rarity on these forums.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

None of us are perfect. At least she's not molesting little kids, cooking meth in the basement, or worshiping the devil. If I traded in, I could easily end up with someone a whole lot worse. Assuming we live long enough, none of us end up with fantastic sex partners, but hopefully we'll end up with someone decent we can respect and carry on intelligent conversations with.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I just shake my head when I read your posts about your struggle sometimes, I would throw her to the wind! 

I know why you stay, you love her uncondionally and she is Gorgeous-seen another of your posts - you know even IF you looked elsewhere, you would be thinking OF HER even when with another. UNder this kind of LOVE curse, I guess I can see why you stay, as it would not be fair to the next woman. 

She is one spoiled and lucky lady. I still feel for YOU though.


----------



## jesspreder (Nov 6, 2010)

unbelievable...
Thanks for your honesty! YOu sound alot like my husband! However, I am interested in romance and passion, its just sex feels like work and not fun. I have issues initiating little gestures like just kissing, or holding hands or simply cuddling on the couch because he thinks then it has to automatically lead to sex, which I dont want. Hes to the point where hes so frustrated hes definitely not going to initiate that stuff. My theory is that if I did feel closer to him it would help the sex driive. So based on your experience, what are some things I can do to make him feel loved and appreciated besides sex?


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Jess,

Nothing else you do can take place of sex. Really!

unbelievable loves his wife, but he is frustrated and hurt. You can tell his pain from his post. 

Your husband is much younger than him, your husband won't have the kind of patience unbelievable has. 

Jess, you have to work out the sex issue, no matter how difficult it is!


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Your guy could get himself off and probably has to. He can't provide himself intimacy or nurturing. That's what you are for. Other than a piece of paper and a ring, he should have some evidence that he has a wife who loves, appreciates, and desires him. 
Ok, you don't feel like having sex. He probably doesn't feel like going to work, taking out the trash, or going to Bed, Bath, & Beyond. He jumps over his personal feelings to do things that are important to you. What happens if you forget what you want and concentrate on providing what he wants? Marriage is service and the more we concentrate on our partner's happiness, the more we gain for ourselves. If you went down on him, you wouldn't turn into stone. If you snuggled up to him on the couch and kissed him like you were 16, you wouldn't die. Even if y'all ended up having full intercourse, you wouldn't die. I would personally endure a massive amount of unpleasantness to save my family. Every time you turn him down, you are choosing to kill the marriage. I wouldn't be searching for ways to continue not giving him what he needs (and what you agreed to provide).


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I think that your husband does not understand why you do not have any sexual desire at all. Nevermind all the hoopjumping about domestic chores.

What he is dealing with is a wife who does not desire him sexually. 

A man can work all day, commute for 3 hours, etc., and STILL want sex with his wife.

Being required to fulfill chores in order to MAYBE have a wife interested in sex? He knows that there is a very real possibility of his wife then saying that you ONLY do these things in order to get sex.

He then loses again.

If you truly are suffering from exhaustion, then I would think your teaching abilities would be suffering too.

Maybe you ought to move closer to your job.

And keeping your desire linked to what domestic chores have been done is a trap. Unless the two of you are complete pigs both of you ought to be able to manage maintaining life pretty easily.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Jess,
Perhaps this will explain his viewpoint. He is sexually starved, so ANY contact arouses him quickly and intensely. If you two had a satisfying sex life you would have a fair chance at getting him to agree to a certain amount of non-sexual affection. 

I will warn you though - I seriously doubt that his doing "choreplay" is going to fix your desire issue.

My guess is - you:
1. switch to a diaphragm pronto
2. exercise 3-5 times a week - there is no excuse NOT to exercise on saturday AND sunday, then you need to do it at least once during the week
3. TEACH him how to get you in the mood when you start out NOT in the mood. Maybe a slow massage/back scratch/other

Without 3 - I don't see your marriage surviving.




jesspreder said:


> unbelievable...
> Thanks for your honesty! YOu sound alot like my husband! However, I am interested in romance and passion, its just sex feels like work and not fun. I have issues initiating little gestures like just kissing, or holding hands or simply cuddling on the couch because he thinks then it has to automatically lead to sex, which I dont want. Hes to the point where hes so frustrated hes definitely not going to initiate that stuff. My theory is that if I did feel closer to him it would help the sex driive. So based on your experience, what are some things I can do to make him feel loved and appreciated besides sex?


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I realize I'm not obective but from my point of view, if someone doesn't take care of their spouse's basic needs, they have no right to even expect their spouse to come home and it's pretty audacious to expect them to act all cheery and helpful as if they were not being abused and neglected. Just doesn't work that way.


----------



## jesspreder (Nov 6, 2010)

@Unbelievable...
You know,as terrible as this is going to sound, I had never made the connection that I am just as bad as he is...meaning, making excuses for not doing something just because I dont want to...Hes doing that with the dishes, and I'm doing that with sex. Thanks for opening my eyes to that...I am going to be more aware of that on my road to fix this. Like I said in other posts, I am going to an obgyn to hopefully get some answers and I am going to start counseling. 
@michzz...Because my husband farms, we really cant move closer to my job. I am looking for others, but schools only hire in the spring/summer typically. I do feel my teaching is being impacted, which is why I'm seeking counseling and going to the doctor. And yes you're right, that has happened in the past where he has helped and I havent followed though on my end with the reward. 
I really appreciate this. As terrible as it sounds, I didn't realize I was hurting my husband THIS badly. Thanks!


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Jess,

Do you find teaching tiring? What do you teach? 

I used to be bothered by my students a lot, but then one day I just realized I can't expect them to learn as fast as I want them to. I have to be more patient. I have to understand that not every student is as smart as a whip, I just have to explain a few more times. And please understand, there are many students in a class, their learning ability is different, we can't help all students get good grades. Once you have learned not to let your work stress you out, you will be in a much relaxed mood.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Jess,
Get "off" any type of chemical birth control. It really may be screwing you up. And no amount of therapy will help if your hormones are screwed up. 

Also - let me add - that at 26 I would never have tolerated sex once a week. Don't get me wrong if my W was sick. Or when she had terrible morning sickness I was totally supportive. But when she was healthy - it was almost daily at that age. And it was like that well into our thirties. 

So you need to work to find out:
- How to truly increase your drive AND
- How to teach him how to gradually get you in the mood

Some guys just need to be taught. For my W - a back massage is a great relaxer - but it is NOT a direct turn on. But gradually massaging her inner thighs and butt that DOES turn her on even if she started out in neutral. And then some kissing and she is now ready for "normal" foreplay....

He WILL help around the house if you fix your sex life. Having him help around the house will NOT fix your sex life. 

And - you seem very rational so I am confident you will get this. Blowing off the dishes is inconsiderate but not a "core" insult. Constantly rejecting someone sexually - that is a much much more painful thing. 





jesspreder said:


> @Unbelievable...
> You know,as terrible as this is going to sound, I had never made the connection that I am just as bad as he is...meaning, making excuses for not doing something just because I dont want to...Hes doing that with the dishes, and I'm doing that with sex. Thanks for opening my eyes to that...I am going to be more aware of that on my road to fix this. Like I said in other posts, I am going to an obgyn to hopefully get some answers and I am going to start counseling.
> @michzz...Because my husband farms, we really cant move closer to my job. I am looking for others, but schools only hire in the spring/summer typically. I do feel my teaching is being impacted, which is why I'm seeking counseling and going to the doctor. And yes you're right, that has happened in the past where he has helped and I havent followed though on my end with the reward.
> I really appreciate this. As terrible as it sounds, I didn't realize I was hurting my husband THIS badly. Thanks!


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I don't think 49 is that old, hopefully when you are 69, you won't look back and regret this, trying to fill your days just for the sake of Integrity -meanwhile being eaten alive with Resentment & pain. What about Happiness & Fullfillment ? Most could never do what you do. I am too selfish, I admit it outright. I think you deserve better!!! There is nothing wrong with being selfish for your own happiness when your spouse is being equally, even MORE so, keeping from you what she vowed to give to you through marraige.
> 
> You are indeed a rarity on these forums.


I'm 48 and it's still smoking hot even when she's talking about leaving.

Very difficult to give up when that sort of connection exists.


----------

