# What is a partner?



## seabeeken123 (Aug 16, 2017)

My wife says she needs a partner.
Anyone care to guess what that means? 
I've tried to pin her down to her definition but I swear she is a master at indirection 


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I used to say this all the time to my ex. 

I needed a partner in life. A partner in the home. Someone who would work with me as a team. 

Do you do your share around the house? Do you do you make goals together and work towards them? Do you date and talk? Do you spend quality time together?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

When we use that term in our marriage we mean we help each other, work together well, essentially compliment each other. 

It's kind of impossible for us to know what it means to your wife though...why exactly is she unwilling to define it for you?


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

Our specific circumstances dictate what a "partner" means to us

An ideal partner in my eyes is one who is proactive rather than reactive.

They see you're having a bad day so take over something to make your day easier, before you have to ask.

They see that with the busy lives that you lead is creating a disconnect of sorts, so they arrange for a night out to reconnect before resentment sets in.

They participate as an active parent and share both the fun and the mundane areas of raising children 

They allow you to bring up things that are bothering you without being stonewalled or judged

They share initiation in the bedroom and take responsibility for keeping that part of the relationship fun and active

They treat you as an equal and do not act superior 

They make their spouses a priority and support them through the good and bad times.

A partner shows you respect, consideration and cooperation.....there should be no verbal disrespect, no passive aggressive behaviour and open communication .

THIS
Love should only be work because you would sooner better yourself than lose the one you love. Love should only require sacrifice because you’d rather suffer than see the one you love suffer. Love should only cause you pain because it hurts you to see the one you love hurting.


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## seabeeken123 (Aug 16, 2017)

So hard to expound on it.
Here is our schedule:
I work from 7 am until 5 or 6 pm. I crawl the one hour plus commute home. 
I usually walk the dogs, help get the girls to bed and prepare for the next day. 
Saturday and Sunday is devoted to costco, fixing what's busted around the house, a social gathering or organizing. 
We can't keep the girls from jumping into our bed from 9 pm to ????
I'm at a loss as to what else I can do. 
The hours simply do not exist. 



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## seabeeken123 (Aug 16, 2017)

Spicy said:


> When we use that term in our marriage we mean we help each other, work together well, essentially compliment each other.
> 
> It's kind of impossible for us to know what it means to your wife though...why exactly is she unwilling to define it for you?




Quality time is very limited cause after all the work that needs to be done, we usually get into a fight over how I'm failing as a life partner 


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## seabeeken123 (Aug 16, 2017)

cma62 said:


> Our specific circumstances dictate what a "partner" means to us
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Everything you have said makes a lot of sense. Thank you 


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

seabeeken123 said:


> So hard to expound on it.
> Here is our schedule:
> I work from 7 am until 5 or 6 pm. I crawl the one hour plus commute home.
> I usually walk the dogs, help get the girls to bed and prepare for the next day.
> ...


You need to find time to prioritize dating and time alone with your wife (no kids, no tv) I know it's hard and you are busy but I can also see where she doesn't have a partner. Just 2 people existing in the same home.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

TBH I would start here. Time alone to meet each others needs. Without alone time everything else is going to be harder to accomplish. 

A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

"Make your time to be alone with each other your highest priority -- that way it will never be replaced by activities of lesser value. Your career, your time with your children, maintenance of your home, and a host of other demands will all compete for your time together. But if you follow the Policy of Undivided Attention, you will not let anything steal from those precious and crucial hours together.

It is essential for you to (a) spend time away from children and friends whenever you give each other your undivided attention (you need privacy); (b) use the time to meet the emotional needs of affection, conversation, recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment when you are together (when met, these make the largest Love Bank deposit of all!); and (c) schedule at least fifteen hours together each week (that's how long it usually takes to meet the four needs). When you were dating, you gave each other this kind of attention and you fell in love. When people have affairs, they also give each other this kind of attention to keep their love for each other alive. Why should courtship and affairs be the only times love is created? Why can't it happen in marriage as well? It can, if you set aside time every week to give each other undivided attention."


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I believe most women would say that if they feel they have no support /backup. She feels alone in her decision-making or effort. 

Does this ring true?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

seabeeken123 said:


> Saturday and Sunday is devoted to costco, fixing what's busted around the house, a social gathering or organizing.


Well stop devoting Saturday and Sunday to Costco and spend more quality time alone with your wife, instead of at social gatherings or organising the same.



seabeeken123 said:


> We can't keep the girls from jumping into our bed from 9 pm to ????


Of course you both can, you just choose not to.

Shut doors, door locks, or strategically placed chairs and the application of some discipline. Combined with telling your children not to come in before whatever time you prefer, is very effective if applied.



seabeeken123 said:


> I'm at a loss as to what else I can do.
> The hours simply do not exist.


Of course they exist, if you are both willing to forgo some other things in order to spend more time together.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

This is the best visual representation i could find of a partner:


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## seabeeken123 (Aug 16, 2017)

EllisRedding said:


> This is the best visual representation i could find of a partner:




I love it!!!! Thanks!
Good old Rocky 3. Or was it 4? 5? Lol


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## seabeeken123 (Aug 16, 2017)

Personal said:


> Well stop devoting Saturday and Sunday to Costco and spend more quality time alone with your wife, instead of at social gatherings or organising the same.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Sure we can skip Costco. After all eating is highly overrated 


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

seabeeken123 said:


> Sure we can skip Costco. After all eating is highly overrated
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Why a trip once a week? Why not once every 2 weeks and then have the off week free? Or go after work on the weekday once night so weekends can be spent on date night?


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## JustAFamilyMan (Aug 27, 2015)

seabeeken123 said:


> Sure we can skip Costco. After all eating is highly overrated
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I can tell you that when things are good, trips to the store together were actually a good time. Because you're sitting there buying things with the intent of enjoying them together. Picking out a piece of fish meant picking out something to cook on a stay-at-home date. Buying new sheets was an opportunity to joke about breaking them in. Buying a set of fresh towels an opportunity to remark about how they look great for drying off, but probably even better tossed at the foot of the bed.

Unless you're working extreme hours, have special needs persons at home, or something similar, the excuse that there is no time to enjoy and be with one another is just that, an excuse. When you're really into someone every moment is treated as an opportunity, and those perfect moments then, where it's just the two of you alone, aren't the "start" of something romantic but a fulfillment of all the little promises, hints and playfulness you've been getting at since the last perfect moment you shared. I don't know what she means by wanting a partner, but I'm guessing it's that what she's asking for and what she wants are related by not literally the same thing. Think of the two of you divorced and finding one another. What things would you do for her, want from her? Think she would be pining for you making a trip to Costco to check off a grocery list, or is she adult enough to maybe handle that on her own? She wants someone to be there, and I bet you do too. More specific than that is going to be difficult to pin down.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

seabeeken123 said:


> Sure we can skip Costco. After all eating is highly overrated


Grocery shopping doesn't take that long and shouldn't require anyone to spend Saturday and Sunday doing it. Likewise there's nothing wrong with going shopping on weeknights.

That said it is apparent you're not interested, so good luck with your highly likely future divorce.


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## seabeeken123 (Aug 16, 2017)

Personal said:


> Grocery shopping doesn't take that long and shouldn't require anyone to spend Saturday and Sunday doing it. Likewise there's nothing wrong with going shopping on weeknights.
> 
> That said it is apparent you're not interested, so good luck with your highly likely future divorce.




I guess I deserve that response because your right. Excuses. 
Except for the fact that we live in California where one has to work 2 jobs just to keep a roof over your head. (Yes I know another excuse) 
I guess I'm angry because I know so many couples that seem to understand the hardships and sacrifices of raising small kids. They seem to just suck it up. 
Thank you for your input. 


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## seabeeken123 (Aug 16, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Why a trip once a week? Why not once every 2 weeks and then have the off week free? Or go after work on the weekday once night so weekends can be spent on date night?




Two vertically growing kids and one horizontally growing wife requires a weekly Costco run which can't be done during the week because Costco has crappy hours 


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## JustAFamilyMan (Aug 27, 2015)

seabeeken123 said:


> Two vertically growing kids and* one horizontally growing wife* requires a weekly Costco run which can't be done during the week because Costco has crappy hours
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yeah, this sounds great. Really hard to see where things could be going wrong.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Think about it this way, if you were to go back in the dating world you would need to make an effort. Can't take a new date to Costco. 

Put the kind of effort into your marriage that you would a new relationship. You'd find the time. 

I have 2 kids too. I know the struggle


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## seabeeken123 (Aug 16, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Think about it this way, if you were to go back in the dating world you would need to make an effort. Can't take a new date to Costco.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Yep. Makes sense. Ok the votes have been tallied. 15 wife. Ken 0. 
I'll accept it and try to be better. 
Thanks all


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

seabeeken123 said:


> Yep. Makes sense. Ok the votes have been tallied. 15 wife. Ken 0.
> I'll accept it and try to be better.
> Thanks all
> 
> ...


You're on a downer so you are taking this as a personal affront, the posters here are being constructive and that is what is needed. Instead of taking it personally how about taking it constructively?

Things are going down the drain in your home, seems you are resentful of your wife "growing horizontally" and that is a big issue for both of you. Has she gained a heap of weight? Is she doing it bc she is depressed, unhappy? Regardless of why it is impacting the marriage so needs to be addressed.

People here are not taking sides, they are being real and that is exactly what you need.

We all have the same amount of hours per week but each of us priorities how we spend that time. I would get the kids out of the your bed, number one priority. Make a date with your wife, alone and tell her that you are going to work together on a plan to reconnect. I can see why she feels she does not have a life partner but this is not solely at your feet, if she wants a life partner then it is on her to actively participate in working on things, she needs to participate in working on a relationship plan with you. 

Over here our lives are super hectic, blended family with 5 teens/young adults. He has a high stress, high level white collar career but makes it a priority to not work insane hours or bring much work home. We cook together most nights and chat/ drink wine while we do it. We spend all weekend together doing the things that have to be done and the things we enjoy doing. We relax in the bath together at least one night a week which is a win/win bc we get to connect and relax at the same time, it is important to us so we make the time.

Does you wife work outside the home?
What age are your kid?


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## seabeeken123 (Aug 16, 2017)

MrsHolland said:


> You're on a downer so you are taking this as a personal affront, the posters here are being constructive and that is what is needed. Instead of taking it personally how about taking it constructively?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Thanks for your input. Seriously. I really do appreciate everyone's comments and advice. I wasn't taking it personally or trying to be a downer. 


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

seabeeken123 said:


> Sure we can skip Costco. After all eating is highly overrated
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I can live without many things. Costco is not one of them.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

It's the free samples...


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Think about it this way, if you were to go back in the dating world you would need to make an effort. Can't take a new date to Costco.


I'm planning on giving away DD1 at the Costco food court...

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/6401160


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Stop letting the girls jump in bed with you from 9pm until whenever. You DO have control over that.

Kids in your bed according to their whims (essentially calling the shots) are a real intimacy killer.

How about 30 minutes of story time IN THEIR OWN BEDS before lights out?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

seabeeken123 said:


> We can't keep the girls from jumping into our bed from 9 pm to ????


Seriously? You 'can't? Or you won't?

Watch some of these SuperNanny episodes. Probably 85% of them have the 'we can't keep the kids in their beds' problem. And she solves it - every time.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

seabeeken123 said:


> Yep. Makes sense. Ok the votes have been tallied. 15 wife. Ken 0.
> I'll accept it and try to be better.


You don't need to be better. You need to be smarter.

As for being a partner, the reason you don't know what it means is that you don't understand what being a partner means. Get this book and read it asap. It will explain everything.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

turnera said:


> Seriously? You 'can't? Or you won't?
> 
> Watch some of these SuperNanny episodes. Probably 85% of them have the 'we can't keep the kids in their beds' problem. And she solves it - every time.


Not a problem actually. Not if there's multiple bedrooms...


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## seabeeken123 (Aug 16, 2017)

MrsHolland said:


> You're on a downer so you are taking this as a personal affront, the posters here are being constructive and that is what is needed. Instead of taking it personally how about taking it constructively?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Thank you. 
Seriously, I really do appreciate every ones comments and advice. 


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

A change of mindset regarding your wife's weight issue would be a good place to start.

If it is so easy to refer to her as "growing horizontally" on here are you letting some derogatory adjectives about her weight slip in her presence. Desire killer for her if you do do that.....whatever little she may have had left.

Use a grocery delivery service for a few weeks to free up some time to spend with just her on a mutually agreed upon activity. You don't have to wine and dine her, just some quality time spent without the kids.

Kids in your bed ....." your tent isn't getting pitched " the whole time this is happening. Unhealthy for your marriage and your kids.

Set aside some time to talk about getting healthy together...get up 1/2 earlier before the kids (if it's feasible) and discuss your grievances with the marriage and let her discuss hers. Don't use date night for that....save that for having fun and connecting.

If your wife is embarrassed about joining a gym ( some heavier people are) help her pick out some activities that can be done at home.
Walking in the neighbourhood, walking up and downstairs a few times, buy some light weights for her arms. You will have more success getting her to lose weight like this and boost her self esteem. You watch the kids while she does this for 20 minutes a day.

You will be making huge deposits in her " Love Bank" by taking the initiative to take some of the load of housework and taking care of the kids 
from her. 
She will gain more respect for you and you may see her desire return if her stress levels drop when she sees she has your support on a CONSISTENT basis.

I also think you have to be honest about whether you married her because you loved her despite her being pregnant.

You may have a lot of built up resentment towards her that is manifesting in the way you feel about her and treat her.....and believe me, if she senses this....this could be the root of her weight gain, her apathy and her lack of desire for you.
Be honest with yourself and her and for your kids. They will sense the resentment and their parents being distant and unloving.

Children can still grow up happy and healthy living with 2 parents who are dedicated to them but living separately.

If you have never loved her but marrying her was the right thing to do because she was pregnant....that was very noble and responsible...but will not make either of you happy in the long run so counselling will be futile. Why do I keep harping on this, because I have been there and the resentment and bitterness will not be conducive to a happy and loving marriage until you come to terms with it.

If you did love her when you married her and you have just lost that loving feeling and desire now.....kick into high gear and take all the suggestions from well meaning posters and do whatever it takes to get back on track.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Or get in shape together by doing fun things for date night! Go on a hike, make a healthy picnic lunch (you make it) and go along trails. Even if you're in the city there is likely dog walking trails. 
One night a week you make dinner, a nice healthy one, and you eat together outside by the firepit or balcony just the two of you 

Go dancing. Go rock climbing. Be active together. 

Then it's not a "you're fat" thing, it's fun.


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## seabeeken123 (Aug 16, 2017)

cma62 said:


> A change of mindset regarding your wife's weight issue would be a good place to start.
> 
> Thanks for your great input. I appreciate it.
> Regarding the above quote,
> ...


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

Seems like you have a few things going on in your marriage that are going to take some work to overcome.
All you can do is take care of yourself and strive to be the best husband and father you can be.

When your wife sees you putting in so much effort to be the " partner" she needs and wants....maybe it will kick start her into taking care of herself too.

Fast food that many times a week isn't healthy for any of you


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## seabeeken123 (Aug 16, 2017)

cma62 said:


> Seems like you have a few things going on in your marriage that are going to take some work to overcome.
> 
> All you can do is take care of yourself and strive to be the best husband and father you can be.
> 
> ...




Thank you very much for your input 


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> Stop letting the girls jump in bed with you from 9pm until whenever. You DO have control over that.
> 
> Kids in your bed according to their whims (essentially calling the shots) are a real intimacy killer.
> 
> How about 30 minutes of story time IN THEIR OWN BEDS before lights out?


I can't like this enough. Your children will feel safe if they know their parents have a strong marriage. Telling them to knock before entering, and to not even knock when they see the door is closed unless one of them has a broken leg, a deep cut that needs attention, one of them is unconscious, or the house is burning down, lets them know that while they need to respect your boundaries, you are still there for them in the case of an emergency.

My husband and I had terrible boundaries regarding the children entering the bedroom, and someone told me that it should be off limits to them. They were older (13 years old and up) but they adjusted just fine, and I think they are glad that mom and dad want some space and care about our marriage. They see us as a unit and they want that unit to thrive so they will feel safe and have a home to come to.

How old are your children? How many do you have? Young children require a lot of time and attention, there is no getting around that. However, they are safe if they are in their beds. Make them take a nap, or have a quiet time _on their own beds_ if you want to fool around with your wife during the day. If you are not comfortable with that, at least put them to bed at night, and create consequences for their getting out of bed. Teach them boundaries for your marital bedroom.

Is your wife getting fat and are you losing attraction for her? Is her self esteem being affected by her weight gain. Get a baby sitter, and then go have coffee and discuss your marriage. Make two copies of Dr. Harley's short article someone linked in their post. Go over it with your wife, and discuss what parts of it will help your marriage.

You have taken the first step by reaching out for ideas. Consider them one at a time, and decide if they can be tweeked in your situation.

It will take time to get your marriage back on track. With mutual desire to save it, education, better communication and accountability, and hard work on both your parts, you can do it.


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## seabeeken123 (Aug 16, 2017)

Araucaria said:


> I can't like this enough. Your children will feel safe if they know their parents have a strong marriage. Telling them to knock before entering, and to not even knock when they see the door is closed unless one of them has a broken leg, a deep cut that needs attention, one of them is unconscious, or the house is burning down, lets them know that while they need to respect your boundaries, you are still there for them in the case of an emergency.
> 
> My husband and I had terrible boundaries regarding the children entering the bedroom, and someone told me that it should be off limits to them. They were older (13 years old and up) but they adjusted just fine, and I think they are glad that mom and dad want some space and care about our marriage. They see us as a unit and they want that unit to thrive so they will feel safe and have a home to come to.
> 
> ...




Hi, 
Thanks for taking the time to offer your suggestions. 
Girls are 10 and 12


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

seabeeken123 said:


> Hi,
> Thanks for taking the time to offer your suggestions.
> Girls are 10 and 12
> 
> ...


Then the 12 year old can already babysit her sister at home. Tons of time for date night


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## seabeeken123 (Aug 16, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Then the 12 year old can already babysit her sister at home. Tons of time for date night




Mmm. Not really. She has some issues about being left alone and in charge of sister 


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