# What would you do?



## silveryposter (Jul 30, 2011)

I haven't been on here for a month or two, so I'm checking in and asking about my most recent set of revelations.

I've figured out through MC and some small convos with my wife that the central issue is that she doesn't believe in me, and she feels like I've controlled and manipulated her. She's stated that controlling is the one thing she can't deal with, however her actions seem to me to state that her inability to believe in my ability to succeed in my goals is the major issue.

The controlling thing came about as we were discussing RET with our MC. In a breakdown of communication of the Information/Perception/Response, she tends to have a negative perception of events and therefore gets defensive in her response. This is something I've known for years, though she didn't acknowledge it. However, the revelation I had was that I tend to breakdown on the Information part of it, and talk her into the ground trying to control the way she perceives things so she doesn't misunderstand. No matter my motivation, it was still controlling the situation by talking at her for far too long.

This was something that wasn't suggested to me, but was something that I realized after thinking on it for an hour or so after MC. Since that time, and my wife telling me that's the part she can't handle, I've backed way off on how much I talk. I pay close attention when I'm speaking, and if W doesn't take it the way intended, I clarify my intentions one time, then let it go. I truly think, and our relationship reflects, that we've become far better at communicating.

However, also during this process W said that she thought I was a "mooch" who was simply living the "high life" and didn't want to give it up. These weren't things she brought up, but things I found out when other people told me (her sister).

Some quick clarification: I was a SAHD for 5 years, and basically our M deteriorated during that time. I stopped doing the things that made me ME, and she did the same. There was no focus on M, only on kids. It was a slow downward spiral into depression that neither one of us recognized until June, 6 months after W told me she was done. Her reference to living the "high life" involves her thinking that I want to keep slacking off by working around the house, playing video games, and raising our children. I was not as attentive as I should have been, and it got worse in the last year. 

To me the bomb in January was a wake-up call, and I've done a complete 180 in all areas (thanks again to BBWolf for pointing out the emotional part). We've had some very good experiences together, even to the point where she's said, "You're a great guy and, you've given me a lot to think about, but it still doesn't change the way I feel". A week later she told MC she still felt like she was waiting for the other shoe to drop, for me to change my mind about my goals (been going to school to be a teacher for 4 years part time, just started full time in August).

I understand how my irresponsibility around the house and not seeing the effect it was having on her may have brought her to the brink. I understand that she really did go through hell while trying to communicate this to me over the last few years, and me not "getting it" was very frustrating. I understand why we got to where we got. However, after 10 months, I still don't understand why she sees me as a failure in life. All other aspects of our relationship are better than they've ever been. She just doesn't believe in me.

I've not wavered on my dedication to becoming a teacher in 6 years, when I made the decision. I've kept on plan, going to school and doing well. Early in our M I went through 3 "careers" in a short time, each one lasting no longer than a year. She supported me throughout all this.

I am still committed six years later to becoming a teacher, but she thinks it's something that I'm going to fail at. She does not believe in me. She recognizes that I have made fantastic changes in my life, that I'm a great man, even better father, but she does not believe in me.

Would you be married to someone who didn't believe in you? Unless something changes, and she starts to believe in me again, then it is unlikely we'll be able to work this out. I told her last week that I'm done worrying about what she thinks about me because I can't control that. She can listen to me, look at my actions, and make her own judgement. I cannot control if she believes in me or not, and it doesn't matter at this point. It doesn't matter because I BELIEVE IN ME.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

> I told her last week that I'm done worrying about what she thinks about me because I can't control that. She can listen to me, look at my actions, and make her own judgement. I cannot control if she believes in me or not, and it doesn't matter at this point. It doesn't matter because I BELIEVE IN ME.


THIS!!

I was/am in the same boat as you - I was getting done what needed to be done, but because it wasn't MY goals I was trying to go after she still lost all respect!! I lost that respect in myself too and picked up a resentful attitude along the way, even though when looking back, with the help of IC, I've accomplished so much. so WTF?!

What your W (and mine) is looking for is leadership... The thing is you probably have and use those leadership qualities already you just need to spell it out for her by doing exactly what you just wrote - putting yourself first. If you are not sure what goals you want start writing them out, you can even use the same goals you thought she had for you just make sure to put them on YOUR list.

I wasn't a SAHD, but it feels like I was because the first thing I did when work was done was come straight home and become the single parent night after night as she went out to pursue her own hobbies and interests - and I not only enabled this I encouraged and supported it... but all it did was drive her away. And between me not winning respect and also pushing her out she found it relatively easy to check out, find some other dude (who I guarantee has none of my tremendous qualities, nor my bad ones) and end the marriage because it was that bad for her (when in reality it is all just the way we choose to look at something).


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## silveryposter (Jul 30, 2011)

Thanks Lon, it's nice to hear other guys' perspective. Our situations sound similar. I asked her once, if she met me as I am now, what she'd think. She said it's what she wanted, but it doesn't matter because it's too late.

I am who I am, I've been willing and able this entire time, and she's shutdown. All I can do is continue to be me and know that in any scenario, I'll be happier.

On another note...


Our anniversary is Saturday, and we haven't really talked about it. She's scheduled herself to work that whole weekend, and we have no plans.

I decided to just break the ice and give her a card now, with a nice bouquet of flowers. The card was a thank you card with Pooh and Eeyore, and here's what I wrote inside.

In remembering our 15 years, one thing shines. I regret nothing. If you hadn't come to me in January, I may not have awoken. If I hadn't been lost in my sadness, I wouldn't have found my happiness. If I hadn't left Karate, I wouldn't have been able to raise our children. I hadn't taught Karate, I may not have found my love of teaching. If I hadn't taken a chance, we wouldn't have gotten married. If I hadn't sung that song so many years ago, we wouldn't have shared the past 15 years. THANK YOU. You have been an amazing wife, mother and woman. We have shared a passion for life that is beyond compare. In honor of 15 years...

So there it is. It was on the table with flowers and some Kit Kats (Halloween season you know). She'd opened the card when I came downstairs, but didn't acknowledge anything. No thank you, nothing. That's exactly what I expected, and therefore I am not in the least disappointed. I brought the flowers up to her office a little later, saying they were for her on this rainy day. She said okay, and that was that.

My intention was just to let her know that I value all the time we've had, good and bad. She knows it, has some candy and flowers too. All in all, since she didn't get angry with me, I call it successful.


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## silveryposter (Jul 30, 2011)

SIL came over to visit today, W was at work. Found out that SIL doesn't at all feel like W said she does, and didn't say that she was being dragged into the middle of all this. She was incredulous to hear some of the things that W said - Lie #1

One of my wife's friends is/was a 23 year old that looked up to her as a big sister. She's helped him out with a lot of his tough family issues. I warned her, even during this process, to watch out for emotional transference. Even if she wasn't interested in him, he might become interested in her. A few days ago I mentioned that she could always call this friend if she didn't have anything to do. She just said she hadn't talked to him in a while. I figured that something must have happened, but didn't let my imagination run wild as that's counterproductive. I asked SIL what happened with friend, and she replied "You mean when he kissed her?" SIL said that W was freaked out and hasn't talked to him since, which I believe. However, now we have - Lie #2.

SIL wouldn't reveal things to put her S at a disadvantage out of spite. They have a great relationship, and are best friends. However, SIL also feels that I have been unjustly treated during this process. Unfortunately, this really hasn't done anything for me but make me angry. I find myself looking back at this and wonder what is bull**** and what is real. After spinning tales about how other people, who truly know me, think that I'm a failure as well, and now hiding this... My wife no longer has the moral high ground. A fact that I plan to keep to myself unless it becomes necessary to reveal it, although I admit I can't foresee any situation that would warrant it. My main goal is just to prevent my anger from dictating how I act.

I still doubt that she's cheated/cheating, but now that conviction is less strong, and I find that I care even less.

And then...

W comes to me after SIL leaves a few minutes ago, and asks why I mentioned "friend" to SIL. I said it just came up, and was wondering what happened since they don't talk anymore. W then said that she thought I was trying to pry information from her, which actually isn't true, it just came up. I told it didn't matter anyway. She said she found it odd that I asked about friend, I told her I found it odd that she cared. She rolled her eyes at that and said something about invalid argument. I then asked if she needed more clarification, and she just walked away.

So she had the chance to say something, but declined to do so. Disdain or hiding? Can't tell, but once again doesn't really matter I suppose.


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