# Any advice on this?



## hollowed455 (Mar 26, 2011)

Hello

Me and my girlfriend were together for about 3 years. We broke up a few months ago and she moved in with her mom. We stopped talking for a few weeks and then started up again. She had went out on a date and the next day messaged me that when she went out with this other guy she missed me and compared him to me. We've been talking again for about 3 months now.

Within a few days of talking we started sleeping together again. Before long she started asking me to come over about every night. When I asked her what were doing she said that were just hanging out because she doesn't know what she wants and is really confused. We continue on like this occasionally having the discussion. Sometimes with her going for a week without speaking to me hardly.

She hasn't slept with anyone else till last night. She was going to her brother's birthday party and text me about 4am saying she felt she needed to be honest with me and said she made out with someone. Then I found out she did more than just made out. The kicker she made out with a close female friend of hers (who is married to a frequent cheater) and performed oral sex on her.

Yesterday she was just as clingy and loving as ever. Today she is distant and says she's exhausted. She probably is tired. I know she hasn't slept much. 

So now I have no idea what to do. I very much love her and her two kids as my own. 

She no longer works due to medical problems and disability hasn't started. Her mom provides for them all aside from the little bit I help out from time to time by buying them all dinner. 

Sorry if this seems a bit unclear. I'm using my phone to post.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

She is clearly not all that into you. But you are comfortable, kind and she's used to you. So you are Plan B. If she does not find anything better she can always get back with you.

If you were my son, I'd advise you to just stop seeing and talking to her. This is nothing more than drama. She's hurting you because you let her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your chick doesn't want to make a commitment , but also wants the security of a commited relationship.

I bet if you started going out and dating she would go nuts!

She wants her cake and eat it to.

She is not marriage material but if you like a friend with benifits keep her on the side.....thats what she is doing to you.

That's my $0.02


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

the guy said:


> Your chick doesn't want to make a commitment , but also wants the security of a commited relationship.
> 
> I bet if you started going out and dating she would go nuts!
> 
> ...


I agree, but if you do keep her as a fwb always use a condom. Always. And don't get it from her, bring your own.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think you are being used. You are willing to forgive her when she cheats, you love her and her kids, you help them out financially. At the end of the day however, she only wants you some of the time.

Personally I couldn't deal with being a 'sometimes' partner. It's either all or nothing. If that's what you want to be to someone, if you aren't willing to be single and wait to find, or not find, a relationship where the person wants to be your 'all the time' person, then that's fine, just don't turn around and expect to be happy if that's what you really want deep down. If you settle for less now, accept that you are settling for less. Accept that you'll only ever be her 'sometimes' boyfriend.

You can love someone but they not be the person you know will give you the relationship you want. Love guarantees nothing. It doesn't make her a bad person, or you a bad person, just not the right people for each other. 

It's your choice.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Run.


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## hollowed455 (Mar 26, 2011)

Thank you for all the replies.

We talked some earlier. She is for the most part giving me the silent treatment.

I told her that I did not think it fair to expect me to support her and the kids financially when she wants to go out and play. I told her that I'm a grown man and getting too old for childish bs. I'm 36 and she's 34. I mentioned that she may be prone to frequent mood swings but she knows right from wrong. I told her that every time she goes in the hospital that I'm the first person she calls and it's the same way anytime things go badly. She tried to say again that she's just not wanting to date and I told her that if that's what she wants then she needs to quit searching. I told her that I'm done supporting her and that quite frankly I'm pissed and hurt that she can hang all over me and say all kinds of pretty words yesterday including saying she was going to try to hurry back to be with me and use the gas I put in her car to go to her brothers birthday party and hook up with one of her closest female friends. I told her it was time to grow up and be a mother instead of running around all the time expecting her mother to not only feed them but raise her kids.

It happens the same way every time she gives me the silent treatment and within two weeks she's texting me saying she wants to cuddle but she doesn't want it to be just anyone and talking about how important I am in her life and how she forgets that from time to time.

The conversation ended with her saying "she's exhausted,sore and in a bad mood" but refused to say why. Which basically means she's going to ignore me again.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

hollowed455 you might as well tell her that her emotional scraps are good enough for you and that you're not worth more. Make no mistake, that's what your actions are telling her and it looks ugly to her. 

If you just wanted to hook up, I'd say go for it but you think you're in love with her. But if you really love her then you want the best for her. That means you'd be the best for her. Staying with her when she's flip flopping like this is not your best.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> She is clearly not all that into you. But you are comfortable, kind and she's used to you. So you are Plan B. If she does not find anything better she can always get back with you.
> 
> If you were my son, I'd advise you to just stop seeing and talking to her. This is nothing more than drama. She's hurting you because you let her.


^^This.

Block her number, her emails, the lots. Just cut her off and be done. When I started reading your first post I thought we were talking about a young woman, maybe in her early 20's. I nearly died when I read she's a 34 year old woman!!!


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## hollowed455 (Mar 26, 2011)

I was hoping by telling her all that earlier it let's her know that what she's trying to offer isn't good enough. That I am no longer going to only accept part of her. It's all or nothing.

Hard to believe she's 34,huh? The oldest child (15) has said many times that she feels like she raises her a good portion of the time.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You know you deserve better right? Doesn't seem like you are getting much on your end from this relationship.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

That's pretty sad really. Sounds like she's made minimal effort in regards to raising her children. I'd have very little respect for her. That alone would mean a relationship wouldn't work.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

She's very irresponsible for a 34 year old woman with two children. You need to get out of this relationship. This woman will give you nothing but heartache.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

hollowed455 said:


> Thank you for all the replies.
> 
> We talked some earlier. She is for the most part giving me the silent treatment.


Then the silent treatment has worked for her with you or others. From the thread content I'm going to assume it's worked magically for her with you.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

hollowed455 said:


> . . . I told her that I'm a grown man and getting too old for childish bs. *I'm 36 and she's 34*. . . .




Seems like it is taking longer for a lot of people to mature these days.

Life is more complex, to a certain extent.

But, OP, you are 36. Your life is now about halfway over. Think along those lines before putting up with anymore of her nonsense.

I think you are just using TAM to think out loud (good for you). I think you know what you need to do.

Good luck.


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## hollowed455 (Mar 26, 2011)

Not quite sure how the silent treatment is supposed to bring about any kind of favorable results for her honestly. When she gives it to me generally what happens is I give it right back and immerse myself into working on my sculptures. 

What does TAM mean?

Don't get me wrong she's irresponsible,flip floppity,uncertain but she's not just a completely horrible person by any means. When I think about it the bad outweighs the good relationship wise. Friend wise she's an amazing person. 

It's certainly been a roller coaster relationship since things started going downhill about a year ago that's taken a hell of a toll on me.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

hollowed, you're Plan B. You're also always there, comfortable, an old shoe for her. If things kept going as they have, there's a good chance you and her would marry eventually. But don't you want to marry someone who's crazy about you? Your girlfriend's not, and you need to move on.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Why would you hitch yourself to a person with so much baggage? 

Why would you tolerate this treatment she gives you?

It's time to question your values and work on improving your self worth to yourself. 

If you are immersed in a culture that promotes this mindset, how are you going to extract yourself from it?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

The silent treatment is a way to punish you (think of all the ways to effectively punish or torture someone, isolation is very high on the list). It will generally cause fear in the people around her, giving her control and making them capitulate to whatever it is she wants. In regards to you, she punishes you for a period of time, then contacts you and you come running. (I'm not meaning to hurt your feelings here, just saying what I see).

In your case, you're probably drawn to this type of emotional abuse for some reason. I only say that because you keep coming back for more. You may want to look into counselling to help you get passed those issues.

As for her being a horrible person, of course she isn't. People don't have to be horrible or mean or bad for them to behave poorly in a relationship.

TAM is the acronym for this website, Talk About Marriage.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Do yourself a huge favor.

Next this b!tch. She will suck you dry and laugh over your grave.
Read Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 by Athol Kay

Work on you and go out and date hot chicks. Don't settle for the bottom of this barrel. There are many other nicer barrels to check out.

Take a trip out of the country, experience life.


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## hollowed455 (Mar 26, 2011)

Breeze,

I can't argue that. I do have a rather sorted history of getting with women who are damaged in some way. Although,it's usually several months in before I actually find out. 

When she gives me the silent treatment it does seem to certainly work that way. Although,she has a deep desire for attention so when she does it it also backfires to some extent because she's getting less.

I've been trying for some time to get her to go seek help for depression. Since she had to quit her job over medical reasons, she has frequently complained about feeling numb to emotions and confused on what she wants out of life. From our conversation yesterday she is really questioning if she is just no longer capable of feeling emotions for just one person.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

hollowed455 said:


> Hello
> 
> Me and my girlfriend were together for about 3 years. . . . We've been talking again for about 3 months now.
> 
> ...



You're 36. You're 4 years in now in this relationship. You know the landscape.

A lot of the time, you are ignored.

She is not even certain of her sexual orientation. Are you okay with that. Her being bi maybe?

Also she had sex with a woman whose H cheats. If *you* had sex with her _after_ this; you were potentially exposed to STI's.

Are you going to emotionally/financially father her children in these circumstances. Are they connected to their own dad? It will hurt the kids to develop a strong connection with you, and then have it severed. The longer you wait, the more it will hurt them.

She doesn't work. She is 34 and her mom supports her. So it looks like you will be the person solely responsible for the $. Are you okay with that for the rest of your life?

You said she is a great friend most of the time. But, there are other women out there who can be your friend and a whole lot more. Don't close your options.

It's not clear to me why you would stay on in this relationship. The longer you stay, the more likely it will become permanent.

Think of it this way. Assume she will not change. That everything will stay exactly the way it is for decades. Would you be okay with that?

If the answer is "no", you should leave now.

Best of luck to you.


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## hollowed455 (Mar 26, 2011)

Not really. The kids are 15 and 14. Their dad has been in and out of their lives since the day they were born. The youngest and I are really close. She considers me her dad. The kids have unfortunately become accustomed to their mom's boyfriends bouncing out of their lives. I'm the first that has stuck around after.

She says she's bi and has been saying that since we first got together. However,this was her first sexual encounter with the same sex. 

Honestly,I can't even explain why I keep holding onto her. I do love her that's for certain. I also know that I have this underlying fear that I'm running out of time and will end up being alone forever. I'm an extremely shy person with low self esteem,which has only gotten worse over the course of several bad relationships.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

She probably knows you will always be there and take her crap so that is why she continues to do what she does. 

Look, just giver her up for a while - if not forever. What you're doing is...for lack of better words, pathetic. That sounds so much worse than I want it too, but essentially, she knows she can do these things and you will be there to pay for things and take care of her.

You need to man up. Put your foot down and tell her you're no longer interested in her or her games (even if you are still wanting to hold on). For your own well-being, let her go and deal with things on her own.

Block her number. Do whatever you need to. Out of sight, out of mind. Eventually, it will get easier. But please stop being a doormat. She is taking advantage of you.


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## hollowed455 (Mar 26, 2011)

I was reading through the forums earlier and came across a few of your posts. Your blunt nature is appreciated as well as all the thoughts and comments from everyone on here.

You are right. I am being a doormat. Tonight she has already text me a few times talking about how she's in a lot of pain and hungry. So far I have not replied. I've just been reading and working on sculptures. She pretty well knows my pattern of doing things but at the very least not replying will drive her nuts.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

She assumes you like drama and sh!t. 

Good luck with that. I'd head out and meet a lot of other folks. You just don't need to live like this the rest of your life.

- or do you...


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

hollowed455 said:


> I was reading through the forums earlier and came across a few of your posts. Your blunt nature is appreciated as well as all the thoughts and comments from everyone on here.
> 
> You are right. I am being a doormat. Tonight she has already text me a few times talking about how she's in a lot of pain and hungry. So far I have not replied. I've just been reading and working on sculptures. She pretty well knows my pattern of doing things but at the very least not replying will drive her nuts.


That's good. You're not replying. It's a good plan to not be so available. Be more mysterious. Start doing things, go out, take up hobbies, buy cool clothes, work out, etc. That kind of stuff is attractive to women. Being needy and lacking confidence is chick-repellent. 

A couple posts ago, you said you lack self-esteem and are worried about being alone forever. That's nonsense. At 36 and as a man, you're just becoming more firmly entrenched in the drivers' seat, while your girlfriend's SMV (sexual market value) is dropping rapidly.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Read Married Man Sex Life primer by Athol Kay. A must read for every guy, married or single. It will explain you and her. 

The book will be a huge wake-up call, my friend. EVERYTHING you've been taught about women is wrong.


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## hollowed455 (Mar 26, 2011)

I just bought The Married Man's Sex Life Primer 2011 and starting to read now. It seems like I've read about this book many times on this site. It must be worth the money.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I can understand that you fear being lonely...but isn't that what you have now? You sound very lonely...that even when things were okay between you, I bet if you did a self-diagnostic, you would still feel alone.

It sounds like you are the nice-guy rescuer who found a damaged woman you thought you could love, she would equally love you, but it doesn't seem like she is someone who is balanced and emotionally intelligent to know how to reciprocate a normal, adult, and healthy relationship. And if you keep having these sort of relationships, then there is something that needs to be radically changed in your own behavior and identity.

I agree with the others that she finds comfort in your stability, but you aren't exactly husband material, you are playing the role of parent...where you clean up her messes and give her a large area to be irresponsible. She sounds like a teenager...the mood swings...the silent treatment...the "I'm hungry, I'm sore, woe is me" victim...ugh.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

How goes it...? What have you done, planned..?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

She is a troubled person. Do you want to be in an open relationship that allows her to seek women for sexual and emotional affairs?

Too bad about her kids. But she is not thinking of them.

It wouldn't be a surprize if other men and women hit on her to get closer to her children to exploit them sexually.


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## hollowed455 (Mar 26, 2011)

Thus far I have still not replied. It seems to be driving her a bit batty. She sent me a whole series of texts earlier trying to explain things to me. Here's a section to one of them

"I hurt constantly. I am no longer a worthy partner in my own mind so everything I hoped for is now obsolete and best left in manga, music and film. So what do you do? My answer for now is anything that makes me smile, reminds me how to feel, inspires me to move, helps me feel okay with this new path/reality"

I'm reading Married Man's Sex Life Primer. Thankfully he writes in a more casual way otherwise no way I could actually commit to reading it. 

The girls messaged me on facebook the other day saying their real dad moved to the area and claims to want to start a connection with them and that he respects me because I'm the kind of dad he wanted to be. I told them they should give him a chance. If he proves himself then they at least have their real dad in their lives which would be great for them. 

I tried signing up for a site to make new friends (i only gave two and their both married) it caused me so much anxiety and stress I had to stop midway.

I'm really lonely and starting to fall into a deeper depression. I need to talk to someone but I don't have medical insurance and can't afford out of pocket. 

I'm angry as well. She's off having fun,used all her money from her 401k and bought a brand new car (her mom's idea) and her mom buys all her gas meanwhile I'm all the way over on the other side of town struggling and the kids message me saying they miss having me around and the youngest keeps wondering if I've abandoned them and it's just really breaking my damn heart. I just don't know if I can keep going around pretending everything is ok for much longer.

I have nothing to do so I'm just pouring everything into my artwork and music. Try to exercise my own demons so to speak.

I've got to do something else in life. I just don't want to be me anymore.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

hollowed455 said:


> I just bought The Married Man's Sex Life Primer 2011 and starting to read now. It seems like I've read about this book many times on this site. It must be worth the money.


I've never read it. I did read NMMNG though after hearing so many references here. You should download the PDF and read it. I bet it's more relevant at the moment.


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