# Dealing with triggers - one year on.



## NornIron7 (Jul 5, 2012)

Hi,

Its one year from I discovered my wife's affair. Still lots of issues to be resolved. Don't know if they ever will be if I'm honest.
The biggest problem I have currently is with myself and certain triggers that bring lots of mixed up emotions to the fore. For instance I see a certain type of car the matches what he drives and my stomach lurches. Places where I think they met, songs (they like the same groups) and especially dates (as I can recall almost perfectly when I found out about x,y,z etc) all add to my angst at this time.

Is there any way of dealing with these thoughts, banishing them or is time truly the only real healer ?

NI


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

two ways of dealing with triggers- eliminate or conquer/reclaim


examples for me-

couch they had sex on- donated to Goodwill
song that reminded her of the affair- off my ipod and hers, we don't listen to radio anymore anyways

sexual act that she did for him but rarely for me- reclaimed it by doing it quite a lot since then and much more satisfying for both of us


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

It appears time IS a large part of the healing. The other part is, for me, I get triggered by things when I don't think I know the full truth of it. Example: There's a hotel a few miles from our house. I used to set Regret up there for a night away when I had been flying for a few weeks - just so she could get away from chores, the kids, etc. Well, she invited the xOM there one night for a few hours. ON MY GENEROSITY! That was tough to get over. I triggered every time I drove past it, and I HAD to drive past it to get anywhere.

It wasn't until after I got all of my questions answered that I wouldn't trigger so much on it. I still get a yucky feeling sometimes when I go by, however I do my best to not even look int he direction of the place. I don't trigger as badly anymore off that place. Although, we will NEVER stay at that hotel again on one of our "date nights".


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

One song in particular still drives me bat poo poo coo coo. I turn it off or change the song. HATE the song, such a bad trigger...

Adele's "somebody like you" ... I used to go nuts and lose my temper every time I heard the song. Even throwing things at the alarm clock, now I just turn the song off or change the song.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> two ways of dealing with triggers- eliminate or conquer/reclaim
> 
> 
> examples for me-
> ...


How did you find out about the sex act?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

She told me


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> She told me


She blurted it out. Or through a series of questions, this is what you learned.

My fiance told him that his EA told him that her new bf was better in bed than he. (they dated before he started dating me.) And yet, he still wanted to remain "friends" with her. You see why I am here.....trying to understand un - understandable.


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## canadiangirl (Apr 24, 2012)

That stupid song "Somebody That I Used To Know". I HATE it. They both looooooooved it. Ugh. I think I just barfed a bit.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> She blurted it out. Or through a series of questions, this is what you learned.
> 
> My fiance told him that his EA told him that her new bf was better in bed than he. (they dated before he started dating me.) And yet, he still wanted to remain "friends" with her. You see why I am here.....trying to understand un - understandable.


it was revealed I think in the first grilling, have no way of proving it otherwise since I had no VAR's or spy tech, I was flying blind during DDay. I suppose there's always been two issues (where and what sex acts) that could have been trickle truth but the story hasn't changed since. She is perfectly aware that if any other truth comes out that was omitted or softened she would be gone.

as to your second part, I suppose he felt competition and wanted to show her that he is better now or could be better than OW's BF. Silly hormones and affairs make you do some really dumb stuff.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> it was revealed I think in the first grilling, have no way of proving it otherwise since I had no VAR's or spy tech, I was flying blind during DDay. I suppose there's always been two issues (where and what sex acts) that could have been trickle truth but the story hasn't changed since. She is perfectly aware that if any other truth comes out that was omitted or softened she would be gone.
> 
> as to your second part, I suppose he felt competition and wanted to show her that he is better now or could be better than OW's BF. Silly hormones and affairs make you do some really dumb stuff.


Ar, I just have to ask. what was it exactly? and was it something that you had been asking for and she was actively denying you?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> Ar, I just have to ask. what was it exactly? and was it something that you had been asking for and she was actively denying you?


well she claimed that they only had oral since he never had condoms, she did state that she offered anal but he got so nervous or excited that he couldn't get it up (again this in hindsight all sounds like trickle truth, but there's no way of verification unless I really wanted to get a poly done which at this point is dumb since it doesn't matter to me, it was a PA and it sucks no matter what was done) Which offering anal shows she was much more afraid than pregnancy than with STD's. (and very infuriating to me)

now BJ's were rare in my marriage BUT she started to do them more frequently right before the time of the affair, we also had done anal prior to the affair as well, so it's nothing OM got that I didn't get. It perturbed me a little about the BJ's since it was difficult to get them at one point. Not this is an excuse but my wife was hitting her sexual peak and wanted lots of sex when she hit 33, our sex life actually increased during her affair so it threw me off the trail to say the least. Now she could have been doing that to fool me but I think the sex drive was super charged both due to her age and being desired by 2 men. 

post affair, sex was even better and more charged- anal became a regular staple and BJ's weren't hard to get at all. I actually "found" her G-spot within two weeks of Dday so in effect in my mind I was able to "one-up" OM and sex became more frequent than ever. (8-10 times a week, since slowed down to 4-5 times a week now)

EDIT: there was one thing that they talked about doing that we never did but they never did it because I found out too soon which was he wanted to be pegged. (f'd in butt with a strap on) but in all honesty I have no interest in that whatsoever- it was fun telling OMW he was into that tho.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

NornIron7 said:


> Hi,
> 
> Its one year from I discovered my wife's affair. Still lots of issues to be resolved. Don't know if they ever will be if I'm honest.
> The biggest problem I have currently is with myself and certain triggers that bring lots of mixed up emotions to the fore. For instance I see a certain type of car the matches what he drives and my stomach lurches. Places where I think they met, songs (they like the same groups) and especially dates (as I can recall almost perfectly when I found out about x,y,z etc) all add to my angst at this time.
> ...


NI, hope I didn't highjack your thread too much, but curios.....

I still trigger. I suppose I am just past one year of D-Day, that is, when I learned that he was still communicating with her...but not with a view to socialising with her --and HER boyfriend --as a couple.

So I do trigger at times I once triggered when my fiance talked about manipulative personality types. I can't recreate the conversation but I just had to refer to her directly and some of her antics. I felt bad but then he has been nice and we can talk a little bit further. But then I find new revelations each time.

This time he admitted that he was wrong to stay in contact with her without letting me know. and he admitted, the fact that he didn't let me know was because he knew it was wrong.

Well when you get a revelation like that, then you would like to trigger more often.


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