# Emotional Affair



## lastoneleft_00 (Feb 4, 2010)

I hope someone will be able to give me some advice and support. I've been married for two years and things were going really well. Two days ago i found out that my wife was having an emotinoal affair with a guy for the past few months. I was a little suspicious, but thought nothing of it. a few days ago i had a gut feeling something was up so i got on her facebook and found a letter between them explaining their feelings for eachother and my wife mentioned that she doesn't know if she loves me anyone and that she wishes she could be with him. I did get mad and we ending up talking with our bishop the next day. Things seems to be going well she supposibly cut it off with him. But i've been really depressed lately, I love my wife and this really has hurt me. What can i do to get past this. She hasn't shown any emotion which has gotten me worried, she says she understands what she did was wrong but she still shows no sorrow to me or any apologies. Any suggestions what we should do?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

lastoneleft_00 said:


> ...Things seems to be going well she supposibly cut it off with him. But i've been really depressed lately, I love my wife and this really has hurt me. What can i do to get past this. She hasn't shown any emotion which has gotten me worried, she says she understands what she did was wrong but she still shows no sorrow to me or any apologies. Any suggestions what we should do?


Actually I do have a few suggestions for you, and if you'd like you can PM me and I can give you more details. 

First, just so you know, when a person has an affair, it is like being high on amphetamines. In fact, they've done research that discovered that being "in love" releases an amphetamine hormone in your brain! So for a while your wife was "high" from the EA and right now she is going through withdrawals. She probably will just go through the motions for a little while, and in an odd way that is okay. For now, just focus on one thing--NO CONTACT!! If she has even the slightest contact, she gets the rush of the high again and it can start right back up. As long as she doesn't contact, she'll gradually get over the withdrawal and become herself again. 

Next, this would be an excellent time for the two of you to spend a lot of time together just doing things that are light-hearted and "fun"--like when was the last time you took her bowling? To the zoo? I know it's winter, so go to the zoo and then out for hot chocolate. It would be a really, really good thing if she could start to associate lastoneleft_00 = fun. 

As she's doing a little better, I'd say in about a week maybe, you will want to let her tell you what the things were that were extinguishing the love for her. See love is kind of like a campfire. There are actions a person does that extinguish the fire and put it out (like angry exploding, being disrespectful, being critical, preferring others like mom or ex). There are also actions a person does that kindle the fire like admiring her, talking to her, being open with her, being affectionate, or being sexual. What often happens is that people think "Oh I'll rebuild my marriage by doing more kindlers!" but they continue with the extinguishers...and then it's like all the effort of the kindlers just goes down the drain and makes no difference. Sooooo...address those extinguishers first and even if you disagree with what she says, listen to her, admit where you maybe made a mistake, and work to know do that extinguisher anymore. 

So there are the first couple steps. As she comes out of withdrawal and you're not doing extinguishers anymore, that sets up a GREAT opportunity for you to do some of the kindlers and begin to rebuild the flame of love again... but the key to it all is stopping the extinguishers (and hopefully she'll also give you the chance to tell her the extinguishers she does, but for this moment, don't push that. It will come.)


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

AC is right on.
It hurts. A lot. Don't let anyone tell you an EA is any less painful than a PA. Just be as honest with her about your feelings and ask that she be as honest back. And...buddy you deserve to be mad too. You were betrayed. Be honest with yourself about your emotions. 

You will have to manage 'winning her' and 'winning yourself respect' at the same time. Not easy at all. 

You are in for a tough road. I am sorry.


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## maybme (Jan 21, 2010)

Look all i can say is i was in the same boat!...My husb did the same thing but we were straying apart..long story short..He chose to let it all go on the computer and chose me..i know it hurts I never should have been a choice to be made for for him i should have been the only choice.. but things happen and nothing we can do to do it over..to many couples are giving up to quickly..yes it hurts just as much as a PA but still nothing we can do butmove on..don't throw away what you have built for a person online!..that person will win..don't let that happen you have her with you do what you can to spark that flame that may still be there...if there is the slightest reason to keep going then thats all you need...see my Hus and I have come a long way and now our bond is greater than ever knowing we almost lost eachother it brought us closer ...realized what we almost lost that we tried so hard to build...It will be hard i know...but please remember that when we rent space in our minds out to others it tends to make things harder in li9fe..take that person and thought out ASAP..and put you and your love in its place..from someone who has endured the same thing i feel for you because it does hurt knowing that the person who says they love you more than anything has let another in their feelings for you ...but if its to much to bare at time plz feel free to contact me...would be glad to mend together our thoughts and fears... .. but plz try and hold on to what is still there life and love are to short to let other ruin what you have... peace!


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