# Telling others..?



## ItsGonnabeAlright (Nov 19, 2012)

Okay. So I am positive that divorce is the best option for me. I am 27, I have no children. I am a female. I have posted a lot of things on here and have also told one or two people in real life and the consensus is all the same, I need to leave this marriage before I put up with anymore mental abuse, and use.

Unbeknownst to my family I have put up with a lot, and I mean A LOT of infidelity. H has spent the years drinking heavily, calling prostitutes, hanging in strip clubs, blowing a massive amount of money, I did try talking and seeking answers for years, when that did not work I went to IC, and MC, and so did he. 19 months passed and he has not changed. He goes in there to nod his head, never answers anything, still sticks to his "I don't know, I don't remember" excuses for everything that has occurred. The only way to prevent this from happening to me again is to leave him. If he 'doesn't know' why he did it, then I need to leave before he drags me down with him. He and the idiotic therapist also have had the nerve to suggest I have a child. TBH I tried years ago and I lost it twice, this did not change him either. Perhaps it was fate working in mysterious ways.

I feel that I am still young enough to start anew. I don't have any drinking/drug problems. The issues I went to the IC for were an anxiety/panic disorder which worsens whenever he does something crazy, like have the police call to say he's in the hospital when he should have been working, thus making me think that a horrible accident had occurred, when in reality the strip club called the cops bc he went crazy after spending $6k in there. Funny how they waited until after he spent all that money to say he was too drunk, right? Moving on, I believe that for my own good I need to leave.
This is seriously mentally draining me. I am getting nowhere. He refuses to show me proof that he has not been lying again. He has a password on his phone, and on other things. He basically says, my option is to believe him and If I don't want to believe him then it's just too bad. I should 'move on' and look at all 'the good things' he's done since then. Mind you, the same problems are still there.

Before I am driven crazy, I think I must move on. I won't regret it. This site has helped me to see the light. He is an alcoholic/sex addict with no regard to my mental sanity or the 'marriage'. 

The only issue is I am currently unemployed, but did recently graduate from college and am hopeful I will find a job in my field eventually. I believe that I can't take this anymore, and I don't see why I should.

The issue is, how do I tell others that I am divorcing? Specially my own family! My sister does know some of the things that have happened, and my mother knows very little and thinks its only a drinking/stripper problem that happened maybe once or twice. She has no idea about all the other things I mentioned. At the same time, she is divorced herself due to similar problems. I want for the holidays to go on as planned. I am also going to wait a tiny bit before I divorce to take the time to gather information, pay off some debt, get a job!, and get in shape. 

How did you guys break it to your family?
Another dilemma is the possibility of having to perhaps move in with one of them until I am fully on my feet, It feels like I am going back in time, but it needs to be done.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Once I decided to leave my STBXH the hardest part was telling my staunchly Roman Catholic family; I am now on my 2nd divorce! (Ex-H #1 lied about wanting children - THAT was something they could wrap their heads around.)

I told them the truth, all of it; a LOT of it they already suspected. My parents (in their 80s!) were EXTREMELY SUPPORTIVE, they just want me to be happy. Ditto for the siblings. Two of them drove down to help me move AND kicked in the money to hire the moving van. My parents also sent me money to get the hell out. ALL of my immediate family have been NOTHING BUT supportive. As far as extended family, I've said VERY LITTLE to them as it isn't their business. They can think what they like.

Living situation? I am living with one of my siblings. Not my ideal situation, but we both are EXTREMELY cognizant of being helpful, respectful of privacy, and letting a lot of things roll off our back. My sibling is charging me NO RENT (says I can pay for a few groceries.) I *AM* paying rent though. I have paid off 1 sibling who helped rent the moving van and the other will be paid off in the next week or two.

It is ALL in how you look at it. Going back in time? Not really. You're older, smarter, more in control of your life than you were before. I was a SAHM for 10 years until I left STBXH earlier this year. Within a month of moving in with my sibling (in my home state), I got a job and started paying bills, paying people back, and SAVING MONEY. God, what a BLESSED RELIEF *THAT* feels like. Our problems were financial, like yours, but I didn't have the other cr*p that you had to put up with (although narcissistic STBXH did get physical with me while I was packing up to leave, and threatened to kill me....he's a charmer!)

I have been where you are, Alright. I left in May 2012 (just 6 months ago) and I can honestly say that I DON'T REMEMBER WHEN I'VE BEEN HAPPIER!!!! You *WILL* be, too. I know it!

Hang tough, girl!


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## LiamN (Nov 5, 2012)

Just tell them! Remember "Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter."
Don't let anyone allow you to feel bad about your decision (and some may try to). You are moving forward with courage and that is all that matters.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Give the ones close to you, like your mother, an overview of the problems and the severity. And just tell them. They will understand.

You have spent so much time and energy hiding the truth that opening that door is scary... almost like opening the flood gates. Once you tell them you cannot hide it from the world anymore. It will be even more real than it is now.

Be prepared, you will probably feel like you were hit by a ton of bricks once you let this out. But after you deal with that there will be peace for not needing to hide it anymore.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

REFUSE to beat yourself up about marrying this man or staying with him. REFUSE to let others make you feel badly about it.

You did the BEST YOU COULD with the knowledge/tools you had. Now that you KNOW better and are stronger, you are leaving. You HAVE GROWN. THAT is ALL that matters!


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## Bafuna (Aug 13, 2012)

Im proud of you for making the decision, you dont know how much strength that takes, you are a strong woman, most of us would rather wallow in misery, maybe worse than yours,till the man decides he's moving in with his mistress, why? Fear! You have conquered that fear and you are on your way............Well done and good luck, the rest will work out in time. I dont know if you are a Christian, there is scripture that says '' All things work together for good to those that love the Lord!''


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## ItsGonnabeAlright (Nov 19, 2012)

Thanks for your input.


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