# An argument with the ex husband tonight



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

so the ex just dropped my daughter off at home and gave me a large bag of new clothes for her. I told him I did not want it, she had TONS of clothes here, and that he should keep those clothes at his place for her. He then told me that he thought all of her clothes were crap because she never came over in "nice outfits" Well, that's because I don't send her over there in her good clothes. She has her weekend play clothes I send her over in. Sorry, but I'm not sending her over there in her good school clothes, I would never see them again. So, I handed him the bag of clothes back and said I did not want it. Then I closed the door on him. He then pounded really hard on my door, I opened it and he told me that our daughter wants these clothes. I said whether she wants them or not, she is 7 and she doesn't get to make parental decisions. She has more than a closet full of good clothes, and he isn't doing my laundry either. She can have the clothes but she can have them at his place. By now, our poor kid is crying because her father and I are having an argument about these clothes. I try to send her out of the room because I really try not to argue with her father in front of her but she had already seen it. She's upset because I'm trying to tell him I don't need those clothes at my house, and by this time, he's standing there holding her playing like he's the good guy and he's making me look bad by telling her "I'm sorry Mommy's being mean." I told him he'd better stop and then I told him to just give me the damn3d bag of clothes. He then points his finger at me and tells me that I had better knock my attitude off in front of our daughter (mind you, this came from the man who while we were still married would take our daughter on dates with him with the other woman.) 
Anyways, in the end, I took the clothes. Then about 20 minutes after he left he called. I answered the phone and he wanted to talk to our child. I said to him where is the $700 you owe me? (this is money owed from a debt he was court ordered to pay me 8 months ago and has not given me a cent for) He tried telling me he does not owe me any money. Bull****t. It's in the fricking divorce decree he owes me this. He asked once again to talk to our daughter and I said no. I hung up on him. 


...and just now, as I am sitting here typing this, the cops knock on my door saying they received a call and they needed to do a welfare check on my daughter because they received a call from a "concerned father" (No, you received a call from an assholle who is playing a game) Anyways, it took them less than 2 minutes to recognize it was just a bitter parent trying to cause grievance against the other (they see it all the time they said) They told me not to be worried as they saw no trouble here. I said I wasnt worried. I told them I have a bachelor's degree in criminal justice and I work doing legal research. I know a thing or two and I know I have nothing to be concerned over. I told them that this wasn't the first time he has done this with me, that he is a control freak and when someone does not give him his way, he stomps his feet and acts like a child. He has called the cops on me now 4xs in the past 8 months because I wouldn't give him his way about something and it always ends the same way-with them looking at me and saying well, that was a waste of time. (But I understand they have to show up when a call is made.) They told me good night and left. They were here maybe 5 minutes total.

Was I wrong for not wanting to take the clothes? Or was he just a complete ass about everything? Should I have just taken the clothes and not said anything, or was I right to say no, she had enough clothes here already and was he the one who took it too far?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Where did he get the clothing? Did he take her shopping? 

You were not wrong for refusing the bag of clothing. When he pushed the issue and kept pushing it, he was wrong.

You have the right to dress your daughter however you want when she's with you. He has the right to dress her as he choose when she's with him.

There are several things that I would do.

Write him an email and tell him that he can dres he as he chooses when she's with him. When she's with you, you will dress her as you see it. And you expect to NEVER hear a word out of his mouth over this again.

He needs to have clothing at his hours for her. She should not need to pack anything except perscription meds, school books, and such 1-up items. He needs to have everything she needs for when she's with him.

Then I would tell him that he is no longer welcome to even come up to your front door. That he can pull up to the house to pick her up and she will run out to the car. Then when he drops her off he can pull up to the curb and she can walk up to your house by herself. I had to so this with my ex for the very same reasons.. i had it put in the custody agreement. Tell him that you will get a restraining order against him if he comes to your door again. 

Then tell him that he is NEVER again to pull anything that like. That he was obviously playing a one up with and got her all riled up. He's not to send stuff like that to your house again without first discussing it with you in advance, BEFORE he tells her about it.

Then every time he picks her up, send her dressed in one of the outfits he gave her in the bag. Why not.. he will need to now buy her play cloths for the weekend. Make sure she is dressed like going to Church on Sunday. Once she grows out of the clothing just send her dressed as you please... you will have made your point.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Actually Apple, this is really pretty easy to fix. I don't know your visitation arrangement but assuming it's something completely even like Sun-Wed. morn with you and Wed. evening-Saturday with him, make arrangements to drop her off at school Wednesday and he picks her up at school Wednesday night. And it makes no difference if he's not available Wed. night--at that time it is HIS job as a parent to make whatever arrangements are necessary including after-school care. Then on Sunday morning, he takes her to Sunday School or church or some other neutral place he can drop her off.... and you pick her up there. 

Avoid having him come or go from your house. Give her a backpack that goes back and forth with her for things like "homework" or items that need to go with her. THE END. 

He is your EX-husband now and no longer entitled to see you, tell you what to do or when to do it, or come to your house. Any time he comes to the house rather than dropping her off at the appointed place, don't open the door no matter how hard he knocks. Just call the police, tell them you have arrangements to exchange custody at church (or XYZ safe place) and he has shown up at your home and is at your door making threats. 

Soooo...a couple times of that he'll either get the message to stop the cops will have enough filings for a restraining order, or he'll break your door down and be arrestable. In summary: exchange your daughter IN PUBLIC, IN SAFETY, and no need to submit yourself to his shenanigans. Rather than engaging back, just say, "I'm sorry I won't engage in this dance any longer and choose not to interact with you. You are my EX now not my husband. Please leave or I will be forced to call the police..." and say nothing else. ONE chance...then call the police. It'll take a while but he'll get the message.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Affaircare said:


> Actually Apple, this is really pretty easy to fix. I don't know your visitation arrangement but assuming it's something completely even like Sun-Wed. morn with you and Wed. evening-Saturday with him, make arrangements to drop her off at school Wednesday and he picks her up at school Wednesday night. And it makes no difference if he's not available Wed. night--at that time it is HIS job as a parent to make whatever arrangements are necessary including after-school care. Then on Sunday morning, he takes her to Sunday School or church or some other neutral place he can drop her off.... and you pick her up there.
> 
> Avoid having him come or go from your house. Give her a backpack that goes back and forth with her for things like "homework" or items that need to go with her. THE END.
> 
> ...


The visitation is every other weekend Friday through Sunday and then 3 hours after school every Wednesday. However, he only takes her IF he does not have to work. He does not arrange his own child care, he simply does not pick her up if he has to work.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Too much drama, and your causing some of it. Your ex husband was and is an ass but couldn't you just take the clothes. Your both using your daughter....$700, was it the proper time to confront the deadbeat, was it proper to deny him the telephone conversation with your daughter, I don't know because i wasn't in the room.........

Both you need to separate your hate for each other from your daughter and not involve her in the mess between you AH-Ex........their is no justification for this in a normal and relatively healthy parental relationship.

Sometimes this means swallowing your pride and anger but you and your daughter will be the better for it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

It is about control Apple. I just had one today too! 

He needs to always win. You know this. You know how to deal with him. Doesn't stop you wanting to win sometimes though does it.
I know this. I do it too. 

1. He is a selfish Fck. 
2 He is a selfish Fck.
3. He is a selfish Fck.
4. He is a selfish Fck.


Bet he was too!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

calif_hope said:


> Too much drama, and your causing some of it. Your ex husband was and is an ass but couldn't you just take the clothes. *Sure, I suppose I could have just taken the clothes but I did not need the clothes. I told him I did not need them. She has more than plenty good, clean, quality clothes. It was when I told him (in a calm, spoken voice mind you) that I did not need the clothes is when he became angry with me (because he is a huge control freak and he cannot handle it when anyone goes against him for any reason. For example, he works in management. If an employees disobeys an order such as they did not sweep the floor like he said, he will write that person up for insubordination) He came at me in anger after I refused the clothes, and yeah, perhaps I could have just taken the clothes but I also feel I have the right to say no. * Your both using your daughter....*WHOA! I am most certainly NOT using my child. I tried to get her to leave the room while he called to her, then picked her up and told her "sorry Mommy is being mean." No, he uses her, NOT me.*$700, was it the proper time to confront the deadbeat, was it proper to deny him the telephone conversation with your daughter, I don't know because i wasn't in the room.........*By this time, it was 9pm at night and she was now in bed, and I wasn't waking her up just to talk to him.*
> 
> Both you need to separate your hate for each other from your daughter and not involve her in the mess between you AH-Ex........their is no justification for this in a normal and relatively healthy parental relationship. *believe it or not, I really do work to maintain some sort of civil relationship with this man. However, he still expects me to do everything his way, and I will no longer do that. I spent more than enough years being his rug. Not anymore. *
> 
> ...


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Just another reason to report him for misrepresenting his tax claim. Furthermore he should not be in your house , dropping your daughter should be at the drive way she walks up and he stays there. As for the police report , keep a record there will come a day when you may be able to use this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Just another reason to report him for misrepresenting his tax claim. Furthermore he should not be in your house , dropping your daughter should be at the drive way she walks up and he stays there. As for the police report , keep a record their will come a day when you may be able to use this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't allow him in my house. He was on the front porch.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

AppleDucklings said:


> I don't allow him in my house. He was on the front porch.


My ex used to pull that crap all the time. It got to the point where I either had to engage in a fight with him or roll over and let him walk all over me.
Take him to your child support enforcement office and garnish his wages for what he owes you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Hey Apple!
That sux! Tell him you prefer your payment in cash form next time...

A thought ran thru my head, that maybe you should keep a copy of the police reports, if any available, of the bogus calls for the police to come. I'm thinking "full custody file"...


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> My ex used to pull that crap all the time. It got to the point where I either had to engage in a fight with him or roll over and let him walk all over me.
> Take him to your child support enforcement office and garnish his wages for what he owes you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


His pay is garnished for child support. This is a debt he owes me outside of child support that he agreed to pay me when we divorced. He agreed to pay me and the judge signed the order. It is has now been 8 months since the judgement and 11 months since the debt was created. I haven't seen a dime from him.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

My ex has always had this huge "I am always right and everyone else is always wrong" attitude. Our daughter is not his only child. We also have 2 teenage sons (well, one son is ours together the one is mine but my ex raised him from 6 months old and my son grew up with him as Dad.) and he has a 17 yo daughter as well. Asshat does not see his other 3 children. They dont want to see him. He has not seen his sons now since July 2011, he has not seen his oldest daughter since about Sept. 2011. They want nothing to do with him. I have tried to talk to him about what he plans on doing to rebuild his relationship with them and all he told me was that he was not at fault for their behavior. He went on to blame me, accusing me of "making him look bad" because when we divorced the older ones wanted to know why and I told them it was because Dad had a girlfriend. I gave no other details than that and I never once bad mouthed him. That was the only thing I told them. Still, according to Sir Assat, that reason made me at fault, made me to blame for the reason why they would no longer see him. He told me that I needed to tell them I was wrong, and I was sorry for what I did to make them dislike him, and that it was I who needed to repair their relationship with him. He told me he was the innocent victim of my actions. 

He has no relationship with his 3 oldest children because he even puts the blame on them. He says they just need to get over their attitudes already, that they have overplayed their hurt and it is not that big of a deal. He says when they are ready to talk to him again, he will be there for them but until they are, they won't get anything from him. (And he did not get them a thing for Christmas or their birthdays)

I have told my teenagers that anytime they wish to go see their father, I do encourage them to do so but they should never ever feel at fault for any of this. I'm sure it is not easy for them to watch their baby sister come home with all this stuff from Dad while they get nothing. How can he project all this blame onto his own children, I don't know but he has has outright said "until they get over themselves, he will not buy them anything."

How does he really expect them to "just get over things"? and how does he think for one second that what happened (his affair) "was not that big of a deal"?

This is a man without a conscience.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You sound very angry and also very fierce. You dont tell us if you both have found new partners or how long ago it was. 
Your further posts tell us that your life (and his) has been quite mixed up. A girl of seven being mixed up in this, cant do her any good. I personally dont believe in visitation rights etc. if there is bad blood between them. The courts ought to decide to divide the children to one or the other. Is it only the outstanding money that is causing this great rift. You are 'rid' of him he is not in your life anymore, so you should be able to come to some arrangement without fighting for the childs sake at least.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

accept said:


> You sound very angry and also very fierce. You dont tell us if you both have found new partners or how long ago it was.
> Your further posts tell us that your life (and his) has been quite mixed up. A girl of seven being mixed up in this, cant do her any good. I personally dont believe in visitation rights etc. if there is bad blood between them. The courts ought to decide to divide the children to one or the other. Is it only the outstanding money that is causing this great rift. You are 'rid' of him he is not in your life anymore, so you should be able to come to some arrangement without fighting for the childs sake at least.


Yes, of course I am very angry at what he has put us all through. I can't imagine that anyone would not be if they were put through it. And those who know my story will understand why as they know what that man put me through.

He has a GF he is living with. He moved in with her within a month of our divorce, although she is not the girl he originally cheated with. As for me, I am alone. I have tried to date a few times but nothing has worked out, and no man has ever met my children, nor would they. I do not in any way believe in bringing any man around my children. Now, my exH on the other hand, would actually take our daughter on dates with him with the ow while we were still married. He would use our child as an excuse to go out. He would tell me he wanted to spend daddy/daughter time with her, then he would go meet up with the ow and her children.

Why does everyone misunderstand what I am saying? Am I wording it wrong? My daughter is NOT in the middle of anything. I rarely speak to my ex as I am NC with him unless it is in regards to visitation matters. The argument we had last night does not happen on a regular basis. Last night, I refused a bag of clothes and he became angry with me because he cannot stand being rejected or told no in any form. Another poster said I should have just taken the clothes, and maybe so, but still, I should have the right to refuse without him taking it to the extreme that he did. He called the cops on me for refusing this bag of clothes. Now tell me that is not ridiculous.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> His pay is garnished for child support. This is a debt he owes me outside of child support that he agreed to pay me when we divorced. He agreed to pay me and the judge signed the order. It is has now been 8 months since the judgement and 11 months since the debt was created. I haven't seen a dime from him.


So can you go back and get a garnish for the debt too?

As for the clothes, send them back with her, if he won't accept them, then dump them in the trash. It is about control, and every inch he gets he wants more.

Seriously, what did you ever see in this little boy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Your ex-husband is primarily at fault. However, you share some blame. If you knew your husband is a control freak, and you knew that refusing him will cause an argument, and your daughter was in the room, then you knew what would happen when you refused the clothes.

In the future, take the clothes. If the tags are still on them, take them back to the store and return them. If not, sell them. Use the proceeds to go against the debt he owes you. And don't say a word to your ex-husband.

Any other items he sends to your house in the future, do the same thing with them.


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## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

You had the right to refuse the clothes but you could have spared your daughter by accepting them. You're not wrong for hating your ex, I admit I can't stand mine either. Sometimes you just have to be the bigger person for your kids sake. If you describe him as basically being a jerk how can you turn around and expect him to not act like a jerk? That's why you aren't married to him anymore. What was the point of getting worked up? He got under your skin, your daughter was traumatized, and you still got stuck with the clothes.


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