# Abusing wife!



## kewlsurfr (Nov 13, 2019)

Constant abuse has finally pushed me into seeking help. Albeit anonymous. Need help to tackle this. Wifey is abusive, I mean, when she thinks that I have not done what was told, she starts abusing with the choicest words and even starts kicking/beating. It takes a huge effort to not react, cos if I do then god knows what will happen. And don't mistake me, I find the reasons so silly ex., I didn't refill the humidifier. I love our daughter very much and afraid that if I decide to leave, she will end up with my wife. It's the same controlling behaviour towards my daughter as well. Shouts, threatens, beats sometimes. And when the anger is gone, she is completely transformed. Like nothing happened. Problem is, this is going on for more than 5 years now. Do I react, Do I continue in this marriage. At times I think is it worth to waste the future. Badly need a guidance.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

kewlsurfr said:


> Constant abuse has finally pushed me into seeking help. Albeit anonymous. Need help to tackle this. Wifey is abusive, I mean, when she thinks that I have not done what was told, she starts abusing with the choicest words and even starts kicking/beating. It takes a huge effort to not react, cos if I do then god knows what will happen. And don't mistake me, I find the reasons so silly ex., I didn't refill the humidifier. I love our daughter very much and afraid that if I decide to leave, she will end up with my wife. It's the same controlling behaviour towards my daughter as well. Shouts, threatens, beats sometimes. And when the anger is gone, she is completely transformed. Like nothing happened. Problem is, this is going on for more than 5 years now. Do I react, Do I continue in this marriage. At times I think is it worth to waste the future. Badly need a guidance.


If your wife strikes you then call the cops. 
Every time.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

I wouldn't use the internet to make an accurate diagnoses, but it sounds like she might be bipolar.

If she's reacting like this to your daughter, it needs to stop immediately. If that means you have to take her and leave the house, then do that. 

Tonight, go to Walmart, BestBuy, or whatever and get a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR). You can also download apps on your phone to make them work like a VAR. Have the VAR with you at all times so you can have recordings of her outbursts. Save the recordings someplace safe. These will be very important and will help your position greatly.

Can you give us some of the specifics of your marriage, like how long you've been married, how old is your daughter, do both of you work, etc.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

If wife BEATS daughter, call the authorities, as well. How old is daughter? Did something happen 5 years ago and she changed?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kewlsurfr said:


> Constant abuse has finally pushed me into seeking help. Albeit anonymous. Need help to tackle this. Wifey is abusive, I mean, when she thinks that I have not done what was told, she starts abusing with the choicest words and even starts kicking/beating. It takes a huge effort to not react, cos if I do then god knows what will happen. And don't mistake me, I find the reasons so silly ex., I didn't refill the humidifier. I love our daughter very much and afraid that if I decide to leave, she will end up with my wife. It's the same controlling behaviour towards my daughter as well. Shouts, threatens, beats sometimes. And when the anger is gone, she is completely transformed. Like nothing happened. Problem is, this is going on for more than 5 years now. Do I react, Do I continue in this marriage. At times I think is it worth to waste the future. Badly need a guidance.


How old is your daughter?

Are you there when your wife is beating your daughter? Does she leave marks like bruises on your daughter?

Does she leave marks on you when she is physically abusive towards you?

You need to build a support system very quickly. Find a domestic violence support organization near you. They can help to direct about support in your area. Here's a hotline that can help you.

* The US National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support*

I also suggest that you get a voice activated recorder and have it on you at all time when you are around your wife. Get the abuse, especially the physical abuse, recorded. 

Then call the police and have her removed from the home for battery (or whatever the crime name is where you live). The only way to protect yourself and your daughter is to get your wife out of the house. And the only way to do that is with the police involved. But it would be very good to have recordings to prove that you are an innocent party. Your daughter is of course always considered an innocent party as she's a child.

You can also use your cell phone and record a little bit of her abusing your daughter. Then of course tell her that you are recording her and that she has to stop immediately. And then call the police. There are apps you can get for your cell phone that will record directly to a website. That way if she trashes your phone because you are recording, you have the evidence that you need.

You are the only person who can protect your child in this situation. So do it!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

See a lawyer to protect you and your daughter.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> How old is your daughter?
> 
> Are you there when your wife is beating your daughter? Does she leave marks like bruises on your daughter?
> 
> ...


Listen.



MattMatt said:


> See a lawyer to protect you and your daughter.


Listen.

I'm sorry you are going through this and I'm sorry you had a child with her though not that you have a daughter.

My oldest is going through this but no children, thank God!

Start checking resources. Get help and take appropriate action.

I wouldn't call the police until you talk to a lawyer and get help from a hotline resource like the one Ele mentioned above.

You must get moving on this and get your daughter safe.

You getting abused is terrible but your choice. Your daughter has very little choice and is in terrible danger of a future torment.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Listen to advice above. 

Do it for your daughter.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

The only way to handle being abused is to leave. Since your daughter is also abused, take her with you.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

kewlsurfr said:


> At times I think is it worth to waste the future.


At what cost are you willing to do this? And what of the physiological damage to your daughter? And creating this environment for your daughter is madness, it is abuse for her and different for you because YOU have a choice! Do delay get her tested and get her help, some type understanding for you that you may make a choice once you know what you are up against.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Abusers can be of either gender and often men feel that they cannot report abuse by their spouses. 

All I can see is that what you are describing is real abuse, including physical abuse, and it is ever bit as despicable as if a man were abusing his wife and child.

The domestic violence hotline (above) is a good place to find out the best approach.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

StarFires said:


> The only way to handle being abused is to leave. Since your daughter is also abused, take her with you.


Yes, he and his daughter need to get away from his wife. However, he has to be very careful how he does it. He cannot just leave with his daughter without proof. I did that with my son when he was about 4 years old. Since I had never called the police, my then husband called an emergency court hearing. Told the judge about the abuse, She, the judge, said that there was no proof of abuse because there were no police reports. And then the judge gave my husband 100% custody. I had no choice but to move back in with my husband and drop the divorce. It then took me 4 more years to build a case that the court would take seriously.

Do not just leave, not without doing the things you need to do to protect yourself and our child.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

StarFires said:


> The only way to handle being abused is to leave. Since your daughter is also abused, take her with you.


It sounds like you want him to walk out and take his child with him. The courts would frown on that and he could lose his part of custody by doing that. He is going to have to stay, gather evidence and go through the court processes if he wants the best outcome for custody.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Adelais said:


> It sounds like you want him to walk out and take his child with him. The courts would frown on that and he could lose his part of custody by doing that. He is going to have to stay, gather evidence and go through the court processes if he wants the best outcome for custody.


Yep, I know Adelais. As I just finished explaining, I wasn't telling him to walk out the door or to up and leave. I was only reiterating what others had said to impress upon him that he has no other options and should also get the child out of the abusive situation. I saw no reason to repeat the steps other people had offered and since I had nothing to add to their advice, I kept it simple. Why would you think he would ignore the advice he was given as if he couldn't see for himself that he was being told there's a process, for legal purposes, that he should follow? I wasn't ignoring that either.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

StarFires said:


> I don't know what you are going on about. I didn't suggest any timeline or tell him to walk out the door today. So I don't know where you got addressing me with "he cannot just leave" from because I didn't say it. Everybody had already given him good advice. There was no reason for me to repeat it. My intention was to impress in agreement that he needs to leave as had been advised. How and when he does it is up to him.
> 
> Now ban me again for arguing with a moderator when you know you are not speaking as a moderator and shouldn't have addressed me like you did.


Relax.:smile2:

It is hard to tell intent from the other side of the screen.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Video


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It is extremely unfortunate that men are less likely to be believed than are women in cases like this.

In some situations though leaving immediately is the right answer, if for instance a child is actively being abused. 

OTOH many agencies are very quick to take a child out of a home when there is an accusation of abuse, so that might be a way to protect the child. 




EleGirl said:


> Yes, he and his daughter need to get away from his wife. However, he has to be very careful how he does it. He cannot just leave with his daughter without proof. I did that with my son when he was about 4 years old. Since I had never called the police, my then husband called an emergency court hearing. Told the judge about the abuse, She, the judge, said that there was no proof of abuse because there were no police reports. And then the judge gave my husband 100% custody. I had no choice but to move back in with my husband and drop the divorce. It then took me 4 more years to build a case that the court would take seriously.
> 
> Do not just leave, not without doing the things you need to do to protect yourself and our child.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

uhtred said:


> OTOH many agencies are very quick to take a child out of a home when there is an accusation of abuse, so that might be a way to protect the child.


Kewlsurfr, I went googling for a website to suggest to a different member in his thread, but I don't remember the name of the site, so I had to enter some general criteria in the search engine. And then I came across this site, *Dad's Divorce*, that may be very informative and helpful to you.

And coming back to your thread to post the link, Uhtred's post reminds me that no one specifically suggested Child Protective Services as an avenue for you. 

So get this: Child Protective Services typically takes cases where a child has been abused or is believed to be at risk of abuse. CPS base their investigations on the calls they receive, and the first call is what prompts them to investigate. So, if, for example, someone was to witness your wife mistreating your daughter, they might call CPS on your wife. But you would be part of that investigation because you are also in the home when the child is being mistreated, which could appear to them, or at least make them wonder if, you are complicit in the abuse. 

I have a 40-year-old niece who is in prison right now and has been there for the past 4 years because her husband beat his daughter (her stepdaughter) to death. It wasn't that he bludgeoned her to death. The child died as a result of multiple beatings, which caused her heart to stop when her nervous system shut down. Although my niece never touched the child, she was accessory because she permitted the beatings by neither stopping her husband nor reporting him to the police or CPS. He received a sentence of life w/o probation, and my niece received a sentence of 27 years because she was there at the time of all the beatings but never did anything about it.

That might be an extreme example, but only to point out that by not protecting your daughter, the police and CPS may well consider you complicit in her abuse. But like I stated, CPS is prompted by the first call they receive, so you could make that call, which will help exempt you from suspicion.

Child Protective Services function under different agencies and is called by different names in every state. 
Check this list for the reporting agency in your state.
*State Child Abuse And Neglect Reporting Numbers*


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

Go buy a VAR and have it on you and running at all times. Next time your wife hits you or your daughter you call the cops and file charges. You will have audio proof on the VAR. And go find yourself a good lawyer and find out what your rights are, and file for divorce ASAP. I really don't see anything to save here.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

StarFires said:


> I don't know what you are going on about. I didn't suggest any timeline or tell him to walk out the door today. So I don't know where you got addressing me with "he cannot just leave" from because I didn't say it. Everybody had already given him good advice. There was no reason for me to repeat it. My intention was to impress in agreement that he needs to leave as had been advised. How and when he does it is up to him.
> 
> Now ban me again for arguing with a moderator when you know you are not speaking as a moderator and shouldn't have addressed me like you did.


*Moderator Note: *

When you are in a hole, stop digging.

And this is a warning from a Moderator.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

kewlsurfr said:


> Constant abuse has finally pushed me into seeking help. Albeit anonymous. Need help to tackle this. Wifey is abusive, I mean, when she thinks that I have not done what was told, she starts abusing with the choicest words and even starts kicking/beating. It takes a huge effort to not react, cos if I do then god knows what will happen. And don't mistake me, I find the reasons so silly ex., I didn't refill the humidifier. I love our daughter very much and afraid that if I decide to leave, she will end up with my wife. It's the same controlling behaviour towards my daughter as well. Shouts, threatens, beats sometimes. And when the anger is gone, she is completely transformed. Like nothing happened. Problem is, this is going on for more than 5 years now. Do I react, Do I continue in this marriage. At times I think is it worth to waste the future. Badly need a guidance.


I would say:
Go and get a tiny camera and set it up to record several counts of abuse whether to you or to your child. 

Then when she is relaxed, play the vids back to her and ask whether she thinks that is appropriate or not. If she starts justifying herself, then you have already lost her. If she is mortified, then you have some hope. Sit and discuss what help she can seek.


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