# Does my wife WANT me?



## BBCJON (Nov 14, 2012)

Hi hoping to get some advice and opinions on my marriage.

I have been with my wife 10 years, we have been living together for 8 years and married for 4 years. We have two beautiful children and quite a comfy existence. 

I work full time my wife stays at home and looks after the children.

We have never had a great sex life, i find my wife very sexy but honestly am not sure if she finds me attractive  

I am pretty fit, i go to the gym and take care of myself and to be honest i was always pretty popular with the girls prior to meeting my wife and have been told my other women that i am attractive now.

I am a very affectionate person, i.e i like to cuddle, kiss and i always compliment my wife on how she looks (sometimes this does call for a little white lie) My wife is not an affectionate person, she never compliments me, she rarely initiates any kind of physical contact. 

I also always seem to be the one nagging for sex, and to be honest i am at the stage where i hate trying to initiate sex as i hate getting knocked back  I would be quite happy with sex once a week if i could get it lol

We had a deep talk earlier in the year as it seemed we were drifting apart, i think i was resenting her lack of sex drive and the fact that i felt i was the only one making any effort in our marriage, she seemed to feel that i complained about things like housework and money (when i come home from work my wife cooks for us while i put the children to bed, i do the dishes and help out with the laundry and making the bed etc) we agreed we did not want to finish and that we would give it a fresh start.

This year we have had sex about 8 times, she has actually initiated sex 3 times out of that 8 (prior to this year i dont think she has hardly ever initiated it). 

But it seems to me like i attempt to initiate sex maybe 2 / 3 times in 5/6 days she knocks me back and i end up getting moody and then she ends up initiating sex.

I dont like the thought that my wife only sleeps with me out of pressure from me. 

Since the talk she has been more loving i.e cuddling and taking more time to talk to me and less time on her phone and i have made more of an effort around the house and to be more patient with her (excuse some of the high shopping bills lol) also we do sit down and chat more.

But I still am not sure if she wants me sexually, she always seems to be on her period, or due on or just come off, or she has a bad back, or she is to tired etc 

I noticed that she only seems to get a bad back or a bad stomach when she is NOT on her period as if she is getting her excuse in early in case i was think about trying to have sex with her. I.E early evening when she is cooking i might come and give her a cuddle and kiss and she'll wait 5 mins and then complain of a bad back and say 'i really to sleep all night tonight, hope the kids dont wake me up' and i stand there thinking 'ye right, thats not for the kids thats to make sure i dont try it on tonight'


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Did she used to like/want sex more? I'm not one to talk, because I'm having my own communication issues, but can you ask her what you can do to turn her on more? would she like lingerie? a date night? a few drinks to relax her? watching porn? a massage? a shower together? reading a sex manual together and suggest you both try new things on each other? I used to feel the same way as your wife - totally not interested in sex - except I still did it with my husband for his sake, but I've become interested again, which I attribute to the Fifty Shades books and other similar books, and going back in my mind to when I was interested. Maybe buy those books for her.


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## BBCJON (Nov 14, 2012)

IslandGirl3 said:


> Did she used to like/want sex more? I'm not one to talk, because I'm having my own communication issues, but can you ask her what you can do to turn her on more? would she like lingerie? a date night? a few drinks to relax her? watching porn? a massage? a shower together? reading a sex manual together and suggest you both try new things on each other? I used to feel the same way as your wife - totally not interested in sex - except I still did it with my husband for his sake, but I've become interested again, which I attribute to the Fifty Shades books and other similar books, and going back in my mind to when I was interested. Maybe buy those books for her.


To be honest we have never had a great sex life, she has put a lot of weight on since we first got together and although she is still comfortable getting undressed in front of me (she knows i am still very attracted to her) i think between the weight gain and becoming a mam etc i think that has taken up a huge chunk of our lives.

Since we had the chat when we do actually have sex it is very good and she definitely enjoys it and so do i, it just seems she does not want it very often and would rather have an extra hour sleep.

She has read the 50 shades books but to be honest i dont even think she masturbates, she definitely does not use any toys.

She is like 2 different people, most of the time she is very non sexual, but when she is actually in the mood she is electric, we have very passionate sex its just very rare


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Yes, it sounds like your wife just isn't in to you. You need to change some of your behaviors to better attract her.

If your wife doesn't work outside the house, you shouldn't be doing very much of the housework when you come home in the evening.

Also, check out Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. and run the MAP.

Good luck.


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## BBCJON (Nov 14, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> Yes, it sounds like your wife just isn't in to you. You need to change some of your behaviors to better attract her.
> 
> If your wife doesn't work outside the house, you shouldn't be doing very much of the housework when you come home in the evening.
> 
> ...


If it wasnt for the kids i think our deep talk would probably have been the end for us, i still love my wife and i want it to work but my real fear is the thought of waking up in a different house to my kids only seeing them like once / twice a week and trust me when i say my wife would use them against me.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

BBCJON said:


> If it wasnt for the kids i think our deep talk would probably have been the end for us, i still love my wife and i want it to work but my real fear is the thought of waking up in a different house to my kids only seeing them like once / twice a week and trust me when i say my wife would use them against me.


I feel your pain. But here's the thing. Women are like wild animals. They can smell fear. And you're afraid of your wife. If you divorce, she'll get the kids and most of your wealth. That would be awful and you're correct to fear it. But, you've got to lose that fear. There are worse things than divorce.

You don't want your kids to grow up thinking that a husband is supposed to be the chump that does everything his wife tells him to. You don't want your kids to see you as your wife's butler and for them to think that's what they should emulate. You are their role model. They will think that your family is normal. The only thing worse than ruining your own marriage would be ruining theirs.

Also, your wife has a good bit to lose as well. Right now, she's a stay at home mom. Well, that job doesn't pay too well in the real world. So, assuming her divorce settlement won't set her up for life, she's going to have to get a job. That's not a very attractive option.

Also, you can look on the dating websites. But, single man looking for single mother isn't one of the more popular options. Plenty of men will be willing to date your wife. But few will be willing to commit to her, and commit to the expense of your kids.

So your wife has a good bit to lose in this deal as well. And she probably knows it. You can use this to your advantage. If you stop taking her crap and start asserting yourself, there are three possibilities. First, she dumps you. I've already laid out some of the reasons that's not a good idea for her. Second, she becomes more reasonable out of fear of losing you. That's not ideal, but it's better than what you've got now. Third, she becomes more attracted to you. This is the ultimate goal.

So, two of the three things that can happen are good. I recommend you give it a shot. Man up and run the MAP.

Good luck.


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## BBCJON (Nov 14, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> I feel your pain. But here's the thing. Women are like wild animals. They can smell fear. And you're afraid of your wife. If you divorce, she'll get the kids and most of your wealth. That would be awful and you're correct to fear it. But, you've got to lose that fear. There are worse things than divorce.
> 
> You don't want your kids to grow up thinking that a husband is supposed to be the chump that does everything his wife tells him to. You don't want your kids to see you as your wife's butler and for them to think that's what they should emulate. You are their role model. They will think that your family is normal. The only thing worse than ruining your own marriage would be ruining theirs.
> 
> ...


Thanks man, i have already started looking on the website 

I know i have even reeled back from the gym the last couple of months to keep the peace feel like an idiot now, but just wish i knew if she does actually love me or just puts up with me due to the comfortable life i provide (even though deep down i think i may know the answer to this)


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Your story sounds similar to mine. Married over 15 years, two kids, sex used to be more frequent but always vanilla, wife put on some weight that affected her self esteem, excuses galore to avoid sex...

The first thing that she needs to do is admit that a problem exists. I went through 10 years of bickering with her over the lack of sex and it affected our marriage. 

But a few months ago, I sat her down and kindly explained that this was an issue that needed to be addressed. I wouldn't let her fluff it off again that I was being a pain in the ass and always horny. 

She admitted that she was the one who changed (from a MD/LD to a very LD) and that she wanted it to improve. I agreed to not be as pestering for it and we went from there. 

I had bought her the 50 Shades book previously but after the talk, she read it and the other two volumes. I bought her some new toys that we enjoy together and she began using DHEA supplements. 

Things picked up fast from there but have tailed off a bit. But still better than it was prior to our talk.


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## BBCJON (Nov 14, 2012)

Ok so I was looking at doing the MAP to try and sort out my sexless marriage, but as my wife has been making a real effort recently (flirting and being generally easier to get on with) i thought i would have another try this weekend.

All was going well, we had got on well had a really nice DVD day with the kids, my wife seemed very relaxed and we had been flirting quite heavily, talking about sex, cuddling, kissing etc.

Then the kids go to bed, we have food and she goes to bed..................ye you guessed it to sleep zzzzzzz

So i do make an attempt to wake her which is met by her rolling over and totally dismissing my attempt to initiate anything 

so pizzed off with this now


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Ok she hit the bed and fell asleep.
She may really be shattered. If you suspect that she is pretending to sleep to put you off you've not mentioned this. There cold be anumber of issue her like health issue, fatigue from looking after a house and children all day or there could be an underlying issue which needs a medical review. Either ways, you have the right to point out what youve just posted here, she needs to see the issue as soon as possible after it happens so that its fresh. To be flirted with, having sexy chats and more intermate contact in a day will in most peoples eyes be a sign of intention to have a more internate period that day. YOu have the right to say , hang on, we act this way, you respond to me and when it comes to it you shut down. Bit like taking a kid to the sweetshop with promises of all the goodies then not allowing them to sample. Its a tease that causes huge issues. A controlled conversation when you speak next is needed, she needs to know it was not acceptable, that its causing huge frustration as she takes you so far, she is still a turn on for you and as such you want and need that intermate connection. 
As for waking her and trying to initiate sex, no, she needs to look at herself as well and firstly acknowledge you cannot/should not lead someone on and then leave them frustrated. If shes no longer sexually attracted to you, YOU need to be told that by her and then she needs to tell you what you need to do to make she concept of you change.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

BBCJON said:


> Ok so I was looking at doing the MAP to try and sort out my sexless marriage, but as my wife has been making a real effort recently (flirting and being generally easier to get on with) i thought i would have another try this weekend.


You should have posted here first. We could tell you that this issue won't resolve itself magically. We could have saved you some frustration. Your wife isn't into you. She has probably upped her game recently because she senses that you're getting frustrated and you might take action, which could be bad for her. So, she gives you some hope and you take the bait. The weekend is now over and, of course, she can't possibly have sex with you until after Thanksgiving. She may even be too tired this weekend after the stress of Thursday. So, mission accomplished. You've been delayed.



BBCJON said:


> so pizzed off with this now


I understand your anger. But you should use it to motivate yourself into action. Run the MAP. It will take three months, minimum, to see improvement. But, if the improvement comes, it will be real and permanent.

Good luck.


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

BBCJON said:


> Ok so I was looking at doing the MAP to try and sort out my sexless marriage, but as my wife has been making a real effort recently (flirting and being generally easier to get on with) i thought i would have another try this weekend.
> 
> All was going well, we had got on well had a really nice DVD day with the kids, my wife seemed very relaxed and we had been flirting quite heavily, talking about sex, cuddling, kissing etc.
> 
> ...


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

KendalMintcake said:


> The bottom line is that you (we) have been hooked up with sexually repressed people.


This is a common, but dangerous assumption. Many men have concluded that their wives, who don't want sex with them, are simply asexual and wouldn't want sex with anyone. And many of them have been wrong. Many men on the Coping With Infidelity board had that belief until they caught their wife in a torrid affair with another man.

Work on yourself and see if you can attract your wife, or other women.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> This is a common, but dangerous assumption. Many men have concluded that their wives, who don't want sex with them, are simply asexual and wouldn't want sex with anyone. And many of them have been wrong. Many men on the Coping With Infidelity board had that belief until they caught their wife in a torrid affair with another man.
> 
> Work on yourself and see if you can attract your wife, or other women.


I agree with this 100%

Don't make the mistake in thinking that she has no interest in sex. My STBXW used a plethora of excuses to avoid having sex with me. I finally found out why...she was cheating. She was interested in sex...just not with me.

If your wife is a SAHM she still has access to the internet...Facebook and other social media as well as texting and phone. Old high school boyfriends are a common escape for bored housewives...trust me on this one. Affairs are not necessarily always physical. Emotional affairs are perhaps even more destructive to a marriage and will shut her sex drive down towards you.

I don't mean to scare you but this is something you may want to be on the lookout for. Trust her but verify an affair is not a factor in her behavior. I might not be a bad idea to do some snooping...without her knowing.

I would have never believed my STBXW would cheat on me. One of the reasons I felt confident about that was because of her lack on sex drive. I couldn't have been more wrong.


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