# Help sorting things out...Newbie



## McLain (Jul 29, 2013)

Hi, I'm John. I've been lurking for a month or so. Reading others posts. I became a member a week or so ago to get help with my situation. It's been hard to even start a thread. I know it takes many, many posts for you all to get a good picture of what is actually going on here. So, I'll start with some basics and let the questions come to help me clear my head. I've read enough others to see that everyone thinks their's is "different" and "not the same". So, the only way to get real support is to air my story. 

I'll start with a brief outline.

My second marriage - Wifes first

No OW - No OM (that I'm aware of)

Marriage in trouble for over 2 yrs.

Four kids - three still at home 14, 11, 2

I am a "nice guy" - reading the book but not finished

Married for just shy of 13 yrs.

Wife is looking for a place to move to, and considers us "separated" for two years already.

Now some detail. I must set up our down slide by stating that three years ago we lost a toddler in an accident at our home. W being a SHM felt she "lost her job" her "purpose". It was and is a very trying time and she and I have delt with the loss in very different ways. For months I was home every day. Couldn't work. We couldn't leave the house.This put extreme stress on us financially. So,,I had no choice but to "suck it up" and get to work. 

I threw myself into work. Five, Six, even Seven days a week. My rationale, we needed the money to get caught up. Looking back, I think working all the time was a way for me to deal with things. 

Fast forward a bit. My wife wanted another child. We consulted our therapist, clergy, and even the OBGYN. All agreed we should. It was good for her, and maybe just what she needed. So, I was on board and away we went. 

During the preg. she became a bit of a mess. Pick an argument, make something out of nothing and so on. I let things slide (as GG's do) and chalked it up to hormones. Then, one day at work I get a txt. "coming home for lunch?". I was tied up as often I am and replied "busy right now, but I'll be home early". I often work thru lunch to get home early. But, the reply I got astounded me. "NM, you're never here for me anyway. You don't need to come home anymore ever"

I came home to a locked door. Came inside to her in a tissy about everything under the sun. We worked out that I could stay in the basement. Where I've been for two years. Over this time she has only talked about moving once (last year). I thought things were getting better. We have still had a good sex life, do things together, eat meals together, share chores, kid times, ect. The only thing different is the sleeping arrangement. I also thought that was because the baby took my place in our bed. I guess it wasn't. Oddly, we still hold hands. She admits to loving me. She just says "you know I have to do this right?"

I know many questions will help fill in the blanks here. And, many details have been omitted for the sake of space. But here is what I need help getting my mind around.

After two years if she thinks we have been S, is it too late?

If she moves (and I'm sure she will) isn't that the "kiss of death"?

Do the 180 rules, and other separation rules apply? (we really have lost most all of our friends and all but a handful of family. I've really be the only one she has to talk to)

It's probably best for me to let it ride...or should I just be prepared and start some paperwork?

I don't want to loose her. I want to work things out. I don't expect to answer the above questions today or even in the next week or month. These are just things on my mind. I'm in the fog, and just don't know who to turn to.

Thanks gang


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Sorry you're here but this is a good place to be and you will receive plenty of support if you want it. Just keep posting and listen to what these great people here have to say.

I don't want to sound like a downer but the truth is if she considers you separated two years already, chances are shes already detached. Yes do 180 - for your own good first and foremost. Take care of yourself and yes start to look into what your rights are in all this. Laws vary from state to state. 

Do not go the begging and pleading route, it doesn't work. Usually it just drives them farther away.

Hang in there and keep posting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## McLain (Jul 29, 2013)

Thanks SS. That's been my biggest fear. Just didn't know how to put that in words. I do think W is already detached. I just feel terrible doing 180, as I'm really all she has. She doesn't have any friends. And, only one sister that she still talks to. 

She still calls me at work, txt, and wants a BFF. Yip, shes cake eating. I know that. She can have her "crutch" in me but do her own thing. I might add that she has all the classic signs of a breakdown. How can a man, a husband of 13 yrs. turn his back on her in a 180 approach? Seems heartless to me. You all know what I'm feeling. Ohhhhh, the fog!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

You're being a classic good guy and she's knows you are. She's counting on it, you need to stop. No more phone calls or texts - friends do not do things like this to one another. This is her decision, not yours. Let her live with the concequences. Time for you to protect yourself. You can not emotionally put yourself through that.

My stbxh also has no family, just me & the kids (well not me anymore, he has his new girlfriend now). I could not let myself feel bad about that. It was his decision to cheat and leave, not mine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## McLain (Jul 29, 2013)

Once she moves I know the 180 will be a little easier. Right now, still in the same house it (as you all know) is almost impossible. I walk by her in the kitchen and she comes for a hug or kiss. Sometimes the "I Love You" comes out of my mouth before I know it was said. Then, I walk in the other room and get mad at myself. 

I know this will be a long road. But, with her still being in the house I feel like I can't take the first step on that road. Bet that's been heard a million times before.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Yep - read around on some of these threads, there are plenty dealing with in house seperations. You need to be more aware and not get caught up in the moment. No kisses as you walk by and no I love yous. You need to try hard. Try not to get caught in the same room together. You need to start to put some boundaries in place. She's doing some serious cake eating and you are falling right into it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Have you read through this link? 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## McLain (Jul 29, 2013)

No I haven't. But I will now! Thanks


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## McLain (Jul 29, 2013)

I read the link. Was that link for information or are you saying I'm missing some signs of an A?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

McLain said:


> I read the link. Was that link for information or are you saying I'm missing some signs of an A?


It's saying you need to learn to focus on you and your recovery. You have work to do here making yourself a stronger person. Read the threads, don't expect the answers to be handed to you. We will all give you advice and since we've all been through this to some degree, we won't steer you wrong. Re read the post again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Never rule out the fact that om could be involved either emotionally or physically, especially right now. I know it hurts to think that way but you really have to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## McLain (Jul 29, 2013)

I won't rule it out for sure. I have done the basics. Checked FB, txt logs, txts. All comes up fine. 

I re read the link. I see your point. 

I had set today as the "date" to begin some form of 180. I was met first thing today with a "why are you in such a bad mood?" Gee, didn't take long to notice the cold shoulder. I've been strong. Had to take a phone call earlier because of an issue with the kids. But, short answers and got off quickly.

Hard hard hard....but I'm trying.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

McLain said:


> I won't rule it out for sure. I have done the basics. Checked FB, txt logs, txts. All comes up fine.
> 
> I re read the link. I see your point.
> 
> ...


Not bad for day one. Keep it up. Don't be so concerned with how she reacted to your first attempt at 180. That's not what this is about right now. It's about you protecting yourself emotionally from her games. Just remember that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

McLain said:


> I won't rule it out for sure. I have done the basics. Checked FB, txt logs, txts. All comes up fine.
> 
> I re read the link. I see your point.
> 
> ...


Place voice-activated recorders in places where she expects privacy.

You'll know one way or the other - soon enough.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This is one of the weirdest situations I've heard of. She has been taking advantage of you. She needs to either sh!t or get off the pot. After all this time, I think she doesnt want to try any more, and I think you preparing yourself for that is the best thing. In addition to the 180, I think you should consult a lawyer and start the process to file for divorce. Make the decision for her. I know you said you dont want to lose her, but honestly, you have not really had her for the last two years.


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## McLain (Jul 29, 2013)

I do feel taken advantage of. I feel as though she's had this "plan" for a long time. But, being a SHM with no real income she didn't want to leave. I've been under the impression that things had gotten better. I guess not.

The biggest heart breaker to me is I still see my old W in there from time to time. Sometimes days or even weeks at a time. Nothing wrong, loving, affectionate, fun loving ect. The pre child loss W. I've said to friends before that when I lost my child I lost my W as well. I really thought it would get better in time. 

I'm preparing for the worse. If this length of time didn't fix things it will likely never get fixed. I just want to be sure I don't move the wrong card in the house of cards and burn some bridge that can't be rebuilt.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The death of a child does horrible things to couples.A large percentage of marriages fall apart because of this. I think this is the crux of your problem. 

She's a SAHM, right? How does she plan to support herself? Have the two of you talked about this?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Is she obsessed with motherhood now? Especially with the youngest?


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## McLain (Jul 29, 2013)

Yea, the success rate of couples that have lost a child is not too good. Some put the number of failures in the mid 80% range. And, that is indeed the main problem. Neither of us are the same people. 

Yea also to the obsession to motherhood. The little one is first and foremost all the time. I for sure and to an extent the other kids have taken a back seat to the little one. Remember, I even lost my place in our bed to them. 

I wish she would agree to some counseling. But, she thinks that ship has sailed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

If she won't agree to counseling then I don't think you will get through to her. 
You need to make her see the reality of the situation. That she cannot have you taking care of her while she goes off and tries to live a single life. 
How is your 180 going today?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

McLain said:


> Yea, the success rate of couples that have lost a child is not too good. Some put the number of failures in the mid 80% range. And, that is indeed the main problem. Neither of us are the same people.
> 
> Yea also to the obsession to motherhood. The little one is first and foremost all the time. I for sure and to an extent the other kids have taken a back seat to the little one. Remember, I even lost my place in our bed to them.
> 
> ...


You don't really know that until you stop enabling her.


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## McLain (Jul 29, 2013)

I know that now. I have enabled her so long it is expected. I didn't realize that's what I was doing until recently. I was just being a NG and walking the egg shells. I was hoping it would blow over.

SS, my 180 was going quite well. But, I fell off the wagon. She's leaving for a planned trip to her sisters. I'll be gone when she leaves. That's good for my 180 in my eyes. She called to let me know they were gone and had a safe trip so far. Said okay, and tried to keep it short. Then she said "enjoy the quiet house, I know you won't miss us". Yea, I fell for it. Next thing I knew we we discussing that she knew I missed her and would. I caught myself too late. Then I got quiet. The. The tears came. She must have senced it through the phone. She said "sorry, didn't mean to upset you". I tried to pass it off as a bad day at work and allergies. I don't think she bought it. One of many set backs to come I'm sure. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

We all make mistakes, it's important learn from them. Next time be stronger.

I'm guessing she has the kids with her. If she calls again either don't answer or if you want to talk to the kids tell her to put them on the phone. No letting her bait you like that again.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

McLain said:


> I know that now. I have enabled her so long it is expected. I didn't realize that's what I was doing until recently. I was just being a NG and walking the egg shells. I was hoping it would blow over.
> 
> SS, my 180 was going quite well. But, I fell off the wagon. She's leaving for a planned trip to her sisters. I'll be gone when she leaves. That's good for my 180 in my eyes. She called to let me know they were gone and had a safe trip so far. Said okay, and tried to keep it short. Then she said "enjoy the quiet house, I know you won't miss us". Yea, I fell for it. Next thing I knew we we discussing that she knew I missed her and would.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Conrad said:


>


Sorry, I don't get it... :scratchhead:


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## McLain (Jul 29, 2013)

Me neither
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

McLain said:


> Me neither
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Read some of his older threads. Its a stack of 2x4's. You'll figure it out. It's for your own good. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

He hasn't brought out the lumber in quite a while. I was starting to think there was a shortage.


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## McLain (Jul 29, 2013)

Just a quick update. I took my daughter(24) from first marriage to supper tonight. Had a great visit. She had limited knowledge of what is going on. I was able to elaborate more over a meal. She was able to point out many things over the past few years that she has seen/heard that I hadn't noticed. Feeling as though I wasn't getting what I was giving. She even noted that my XW has often commented that she was jealous of how well I treat my W. It was eye opening to see how my NG status was seen by my daughter. Really.

Long story short, my phone rang 5 times before, during, and after supper. I let it go to voicemail every time. YEA ME!!! On the way home I broke down and answered. I was met by a puzzled voice. "I was getting worried". I said "don't worry about me, are the kids in bed?" And she put the kids on after some small talk. After a goodnight to the kids she started to tell me about her day. I let her talk a bit, and sounded rather disinterested. She said "well, sound like I'm bothering you" I said "no, just tired had supper with my daughter and stopped by my brothers for a couple beers and ready for bed". 

I didn't even know I still had a life. Tomorrows another day. And, I'll do my best to be ready for it.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

McLain said:


> Just a quick update. I took my daughter(24) from first marriage to supper tonight. Had a great visit. She had limited knowledge of what is going on. I was able to elaborate more over a meal. She was able to point out many things over the past few years that she has seen/heard that I hadn't noticed. Feeling as though I wasn't getting what I was giving. She even noted that my XW has often commented that she was jealous of how well I treat my W. It was eye opening to see how my NG status was seen by my daughter. Really.
> 
> Long story short, my phone rang 5 times before, during, and after supper. I let it go to voicemail every time. YEA ME!!! On the way home I broke down and answered.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

McLain said:


> and she put the kids on after some small talk. After a goodnight to the kids she started to tell me about her day. I let her talk a bit, and sounded rather disinterested. She said "well, sound like I'm bothering you" I said "no, just tired had supper with my daughter and stopped by my brothers for a couple beers and ready for bed".


You did pretty well up until the small talk before the kids got on. Your biggest mistake, was where you let her talk after the kids and the fact that you explained what you were doing at the end. end. There was no need for the explanation.

Not bad for a first encounter though.


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## McLain (Jul 29, 2013)

For the record, I can't see the pics Conrad is posting. Just a place marker. Doesn't work on my phone or my PC. I'll just assume it the stack of 2x4s though. 

SS, your replies to my posts are what I need. As a total noob to this it's your explanations that will help me get stronger and better at this. I expect to slip and make mistakes. This is the second hardest thing to do in my life. Second only to dealing with loosing my child. Remember, I have a first wife. I caught her cheating. Met her at the door coming home. Handed her a suitcase and told her I never wanted to see or hear from her again. A month later the papers were started and it was over. I licked my wounds and got on with life. There was never a thought of R with her. I would just not tolerate that. The proof is what put me there I think. (Seeing them together holding hands, kissing)

This time, I hold this smoldering glimmer that there could be a R. I will try my damnedest to push forward with my 180. I'm going to re read the 180 rules and get them ingrained in my head. Keep pushing me and try not to get frustrated. I'm a slow learner and am just finding out I'm a NG. It's all a bit overwhelming. Thanks gang, sincerely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

You are correct about the picture.

I'm not going anywhere. We're here to push you along and get you through this. As long as you want the advice and are receptive we won't get frustrated with you. That's not what this is about, everyone is here to help. Just remember though, we can't do it all for you, you need to do this work yourself. 

Good idea with the 180. Learn it so it becomes a part of you. It will help you so much in this process. 

Just hang in there, take one day at a time.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

McLain said:


> This time, I hold this smoldering glimmer that there could be a R. I will try my damnedest to push forward with my 180. I'm going to re read the 180 rules and get them ingrained in my head. Keep pushing me and try not to get frustrated. I'm a slow learner and am just finding out I'm a NG. It's all a bit overwhelming. Thanks gang, sincerely.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Remember, the 180 is for you. It's to help you detach and remember who* you* are as an individual. A lot of us co-dependents lose our individuality when we are in a dysfunctional relationship (which is always, if we're co-dependent/ nice guys). 

The 180 is not to win her back. R is entirely up to her. What you need to decide is: how long will you continue to tolerate a relationship where you are no more than an ATM and doormat?

Helpful hint: Squash the "hopium". That's your addiction/attachment to your relationship. It is one of the hardest, but most important, things an enabler/codependent needs to do. Realize that you are "hoping" for your idealized version of what your relationship should be. Maybe what it "used to be".

Wake up. It's not. It's a debacle. Look at things objectively. Your conversation with your daughter (objective observer) was an eye-opener, no?


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## McLain (Jul 29, 2013)

Oh. It absolutely was.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## McLain (Jul 29, 2013)

Wanted to post and thank all for the advise and strength so far. I've been busy and finding it hard to find the time to post. I'm doing a lot of soul searching. I'll keep posting as much as I can find time for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## somethingnewmaybe (May 12, 2013)

I love the advice in here. Once you're read enough books, listened to enough podcasts, and seen an IC or two, you'll find that they all echo the same.


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## McLain (Jul 29, 2013)

Lately I've been reading others stories more then posting on my own thread. I'm trying to learn all I can to help me get through all of this. One thing is for sure everyone's story is different but there are definitely common themes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## McLain (Jul 29, 2013)

With the prodding of other members I'm going to attempt to keep posting. I have to say I'm struggling with a lot or demons. I am currently a little ebarraced of all the mistakes I've made. Also, a little paranoid. You know, what if my W was to stumble across this forum? Is she already on here under another name? You know I'm sure. And it's probably not the case at all. I'll work on it and do my best to post. I know I have much to learn. And, your help and patience is appreciated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

McLain said:


> With the prodding of other members I'm going to attempt to keep posting. I have to say I'm struggling with a lot or demons. I am currently a little ebarraced of all the mistakes I've made. Also, a little paranoid. You know, what if my W was to stumble across this forum? Is she already on here under another name? You know I'm sure. And it's probably not the case at all. I'll work on it and do my best to post. I know I have much to learn. And, your help and patience is appreciated.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Keep things as unidentifiable as possible and edit your first message - take your name out. It's why when I first came on here I kept it as unidentifiable as I could, I was paranoid myself that he could find this (although it's highly doubtful) I'm not as worried anymore but I still dont use my real name.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

McLain said:


> With the prodding of other members I'm going to attempt to keep posting. I have to say I'm struggling with a lot or demons. I am currently a little ebarraced of all the mistakes I've made. Also, a little paranoid. You know, what if my W was to stumble across this forum? Is she already on here under another name? You know I'm sure. And it's probably not the case at all. I'll work on it and do my best to post. I know I have much to learn. And, your help and patience is appreciated.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We'll go easy on the lumber.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

McLain said:


> With the prodding of other members I'm going to attempt to keep posting.


Now that you have realized you have a life, what have you done to learn about your weaknesses? I understand you started reading No More Mr. Nice Guy, but what else?

Have you read this piece multiple times yet?

DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

synthetic said:


> Now that you have realized you have a life, what have you done to learn about your weaknesses? I understand you started reading No More Mr. Nice Guy, but what else?
> 
> Have you read this piece multiple times yet?
> 
> DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?


Should we tell him what that "S" on the lumber pile stands for?


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## McLain (Jul 29, 2013)

I haven't seen the lumber pile. The pic doesn't come up. So, you may have to be more descriptive. LOL
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## McLain (Jul 29, 2013)

I haven't read that yet. But, I will add it to my list to read.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Should we tell him what that "S" on the lumber pile stands for?


First he needs to see the lumber pic on his mobile device and feel the pain of 2x4 after 2x4 hitting him. Eventually he will see the "S" from the corner of his bloody eyes.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

McLain said:


> I haven't seen the lumber pile. The pic doesn't come up. So, you may have to be more descriptive. LOL
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Synthetic felt it was his own personal lumber pile for a couple of months. He blazed the trail.


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## McLain (Jul 29, 2013)

I just wanted to share what I feel to be a big step for me. I made a few calls yesterday. I'm shopping for a therapist. I've started to realize just in visiting with you all on here and the personal help from members that I have a LOT of demons. And, I'm not really able to address them alone. 

Not that this board isn't helpful. Trust me it is more than I can say. Mostly, I realize that fixing ME is what I need to do. And, I feel this is a big step in the right direction!


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

McLain said:


> I just wanted to share what I feel to be a big step for me. I made a few calls yesterday. I'm shopping for a therapist. I've started to realize just in visiting with you all on here and the personal help from members that I have a LOT of demons. And, I'm not really able to address them alone.
> 
> Not that this board isn't helpful. Trust me it is more than I can say. Mostly, I realize that fixing ME is what I need to do. And, I feel this is a big step in the right direction!


It IS a big step. One that saved me from utter insanity. There's a world of difference between getting hurt while carrying those demons and getting hurt after healing. I have experienced both. World of difference.

You need to heal yourself. Follow the 10 commandments.

*Synthetic's 10 Commandments*:

1. Read this link - *Just Let Them Go*

2. Follow the following rules: *The 180 degree rules*

3. Read this short book in the next 24 hours: *No More Mr. Nice Guy
* 
4. Separate all finances and stop supporting her 'single' lifestyle

5. Book a counseling appointment ASAP

6. Doesn't matter how you do it, but *sweat the pain of anxiety out*. Treadmills are your best friend. Use them. This is very important: You need to physically feel spent before you hit bed every night. 

7. Think a lot, read a lot, and cry as needed - This particular link should be open in your browser at all times and read multiple times: *DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?*

8. Find your social worth by socializing with as many people as possible (females work better). Spend time with friends, but don't just settle for your circle of friends. This is the best time to make new ones and feel attractive/attracted. You're not looking for sex or a relationship. You're looking for natural human attraction between you and others.

9. Do whatever it takes to go on a trip that involves a long flight, preferably to a country where English or your first language is not spoken

10. Start living an 'overly' fun life without feeling any guilt. This is the hardest task ahead. It's important to wash the guilt out of yourself once you have realized where it originates from via all the reading and counseling you've done.


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## McLain (Jul 29, 2013)

Thanks for the very thoughtful post. I'm gonna get through this. I'm doing the reading on the list now. I'm almost done with NMMNG. I already have such a different view of myself just from coming here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

McLain said:


> Thanks for the very thoughtful post. I'm gonna get through this. I'm doing the reading on the list now. I'm almost done with NMMNG. I already have such a different view of myself just from coming here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Very good to hear. Keep it up!! How have things been so far this weekend?


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## McLain (Jul 29, 2013)

Been an odd weekend. Spending a lot of time with the kids. Very limited contact with the W. Kind of feels like I'm watching my life on TV. Does that make sense? It doesn't feel "real". 

All but finished NMMNG last night before falling asleep. Going to pick it up and should finish this morning. Read the 180 rules first thing with my morning cup of Joe. And, been telling myself...out loud...that I WILL get through this. I've had to deal with harder things in my life. But, this ranks at the top.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> It doesn't feel "real".


It won't feel real for a while. It's your brain rejecting reality because it doesn't suit your inner child's wishes. It's healthy denial.

I read that you're spending a lot of time with the kids. May I suggest you find yourself at least 1 or 2 hours of alone time and read the "Do you love to be needed..." piece I posted before? It's very important for you to go inside your conscious and find out many things that you have been unaware of for years. There is a reason you are attracted to your wife. There's a reason you feel guilt, confusion and weakness. You should find out why. Hint: Your parents had a lot to do with it.

Keep it up.

Did you separate the finances yet? Do that fast.


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## McLain (Jul 29, 2013)

I did read that right away. Very enlightening. And, I finished NMMNG this morning. It's like reading an autobiography of my life. Kind of shocking to me. It's taking time to sink in. I may read it again With a fresh point of view. But still I find it hard to believe this is really happening. No unlike the feeling after loosing my child. The feeling that "if I could just wake up this wouldn't really be 'real'".

I have to keep telling myself that everything I do now is for me. It's not my nature and is foreign to me. I am telling my story to another member here. Like a long soap that would bore and turn other members off. My "safe" person on the board. It helps be express things without the fears of judgement. In wrighting my story I'm seeing some things that have opened my eyes to the dysfunction of my relationship. "Saying it out loud" so to speak is amazingly effective. 

As for the finances. To a point, yes. I asked for and got my W checkbook and Debit card. In my state I can't "take" her off my account. I have to open a new one without her. Which, requires changing all auto drafts and what not. I'm working on converting All that now. But, it's taking some time and my mind is still working slow. But, I'm getting there. The only money in that account is put in there when the drafts are due and drawn that same day. It's a start. Honestly, I'm kind of proud of myself for getting that much done. Another baby step.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

You are correct the only person you can change is you. I know that the 180 may not be natural for you, but should help you heal. Good to see you are having fun with the kids and getting finances in order. You need to consult with an attorney as well. You don't have to file, but you need to know your legal rights, so you can make good legal decisions.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

McLain said:


> It's a start. Honestly, I'm kind of proud of myself for getting that much done. Another baby step.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You should be proud. Many baby steps now will turn into great strides later.


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