# The past is haunting me- please help



## NewtoThisMarriageThing (Oct 17, 2012)

Hey there, thank you for reading this. Some of you may recognize my name since I've posted before. I posted a few times in the past on how my husband had a drinking problem n would always leave me to go to strip clubs. Things between us were really bad about 6-9 months ago...well, I messed up in that time. I went out in the midst of it all n met up with an old male friend that was in town. We were drinking n ended up kissing. I left right after , nothing else happened n we no longer talk (it wasn't like that). This was back in September. Husband never knew though on a few of my outbursts while he was on a drinking rampage I yelled at him n said "that's why I cheated!" It's like he never believed me. Well, it's finally come out 2 days ago bcuz our marriage has improved significantly over the past 4 months. He stopped drinking (mainly bcuz he finally got a DUI n has interlock device in his truck). Our marriage is great n he's definitely become a better husband, a better man. Unfortunately the truth always comes out I guess. We were having a deep conversation that he initiated n he said he wanted us to leave the past in the past n not hide anything. So I asked if he cheated bcuz all the strip clubs, c'mon , he said no but then of course reversed the question. N I confessed.

At first he was calm, he got up, took a shower. I went in the bathroom n asked if he was gonna divorce me, I apologized. He said he can't really be mad at me bcuz he went to strip clubs n that was kind of cheating too (I told him plenty of times to me it was the utter betrayal n how it made me feel insecure yet he always went). After that he was acting normal except he would not kiss me bcuz he said it was weird. 

Ok, come 2:30am while we are sleeping, he wakes n tells me if I ever do anything again with another man that he's divorcing me. I said ok. Then come the questions, what did I do that night n he doesn't believe me that we only kissed n he doesn't know if we did anything else. I told him we didn't n answered the questions. Then he says he can't do it that it's just gonna get worse n he wants a divorce. I ask what changed n he tells me to go to bed n he's now sleeping. He doesn't want counseling n I even offered to move out.

I know I messed up n i haven't once brought up how this was 9 months ago in the midst of our crazy marriage that I hated. Now that things were so wonderful it comes out. I never said anything to him in the form of a serious conversation bcuz I sincerely regretted it n thought it would just cause harm. I always thought there were things he did while out n at strip clubs that I would never know about n I kind of accepted that n moved on. I need help, I'm not trying to be insensitive n I know I messed up. What now?

We also had sex tonight which he initiated. Even talked about having a baby....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

I like that you admitted it. Now it will just take time and a proven track record. One thing I notice about cheating spouses is that they often seem impatient for their signif other to move on and or get over it. It's not that easy. 

Just give it time and subtlety prove it was a one time deal. Please no kids yet either
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Tell him it is all you did.
Offer to go thru poly.
Enable him to heal.


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Are you sure he's stopped drinking?


----------



## NewtoThisMarriageThing (Oct 17, 2012)

Philat said:


> Are you sure he's stopped drinking?


Yes, it's virtually impossible for him. He has to blow into a device everytime he gets in the car, n all thruout his trip. I'm absolutely sure bcuz none of the signs r there. He doesn't go out like he used to, no money missing, he's great now!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP if you set up a counseling session and asked him to come would he? 

Are you transparent with him now? Do you hide your phone erase your internet tracks etc 

Offer to take a poly for him

I think it is good that you confessed. If he had found out another way it would be much worse and your credibility would be shot. 

Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Based on all of your other posts, you guys have a LOT of problems.

Marriage counselling may be a good idea. Your relationship does not sound healthy AT all.


----------



## NewtoThisMarriageThing (Oct 17, 2012)

workindad said:


> OP if you set up a counseling session and asked him to come would he?
> 
> Are you transparent with him now? Do you hide your phone erase your internet tracks etc
> 
> ...


Yes I am transparent I don't hide my phone or anything, we use each other's phone all the time. What do I do about him wanting a divorce? What can I do for this to not affect him so much? Again, not trying to be insensitive but it happened so long ago Idk what to feel. Has anyone ever divorced over this? Since I wasn't having an actual relationship, it is hard like someone mentioned above to allow enough time for him to heal. It's really hit him hard. I wish I could fix it, wish I could go back in time . We HAD a lot of issues, things have been amazing lately n we have learned to love n appreciate each other so much. We've grown so close to each other , I guess that's what stinks the most about this whole thing that it's kind of like taking steps backwards. Our 2 year anniversary is in a couple weeks and we have a trip planned. He's talking to me normally again, I think he doesn't know what to really do or think. Said he had dreams last night of me being unfaithful. N he feels like he's not my all bcuz another man got a piece of me.. Sigh , has anyone gone thru something similar? Not a full on affair n no sex? How did u overcome?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

Ask him if he every had a lap dance at the peeler joint. He might obsess about your kiss (which I would too), but knowing what happens at strip joints, he doesn't get to throw any stones here.

PS...your husband might try to go and find out about your old friend.


----------



## NewtoThisMarriageThing (Oct 17, 2012)

CASE_Sensitive said:


> Ask him if he every had a lap dance at the peeler joint. He might obsess about your kiss (which I would too), but knowing what happens at strip joints, he doesn't get to throw any stones here.
> 
> PS...your husband might try to go and find out about your old friend.


He's always denied getting any lap dances but w.e I will never really know (one of the things I decided to just let go) n I don't wanna throw out the "you did wrong too" card.. The questions r the most difficult part, the guy doesn't live in this town but I know how my husband is. If I tell him his name (a fairly common one), etc these will all be triggers for a looooonnnggggg time n he will constantly bring it up
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Keep in mind, around here, "it was just a kiss" is code for other things. That's probably why he is so suspicious. And, even if it actually was a kiss, it would still bother him. Hypocritical as it seems, it does. With frequent visits to a club, lap dances are likely.

You might want to tell him you were instantly revolted by the kiss, knew it was wrong and ran home. Probably too late for that now.

At least you told him. That does count. Remind him of that.

You both have some heavy lifting to do. Take a weekend, go off to a nice hotel/resort and have some heart to heart talks. It's a beginning of a new chapter in your lives. Let him know you both went the wrong way. Time for a new beginning.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

It may have been a long time ago for you but he is just coming to understand it now. 

Also there is a trust issue as well. He is deciding if "it was just a kiss" is actually true. That is commonly stated and not commonly true. I am not calling you a liar or doubting your story. Just trying to explain why he may be struggling. 

My best suggestion is to get some counseling. 

It takes two to make a marriage work but only one to break it. If one wants a divorce and is hell bent on it there is not much you can do to stop it. You can improve yourself and offer to work on the marriage in an attempt to change your spouses thought process. 

I wish you well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NewtoThisMarriageThing (Oct 17, 2012)

Thanks so much to everyone. My conclusion is to give him time n focus on new beginnings. I think our vacation is coming at the perfect time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon Newtothismarriage thing.
As I see it, he went to strip clubs - maybe there was something physical, maybe not. You kissed another guy - your husband can't know if you went further or not - and maybe that doesn't matter anyway. Neither of you is blameless - but very few people really are completely blameless in everything. Christianity is all about forgiveness, because that is something that quite frankly most people need. 

So - maybe you and he can agree to just forgive and forget. Completely clean - you both screwed up, you both want to do better. Agree to never raise either issue again. 

One thing though - please please do not have a child until you are completely certain your relationship is good again. Adding a childe will not improve a weak relationship, it will just leave you trapped.


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

AngryandUsed said:


> Tell him it is all you did.
> *Offer to go thru poly*.
> Enable him to heal.


:iagree:


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

From the sounds of it, he will use this one incident to manipulate the situation, guilt you and do what he wants...

Again, i am just guessing but I've see situations like this before. Use the infidelity incident as a means of control.

OP, tell him that if he wants divorce, then to go for it. The more you plead or beg, the worse it becomes. 

I think the only difference between you two is that you confessed. He did not.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I don't know if this is much of a "man secret" or not, but in my experience, you pretty much can't go to a strip joint without any physical contact at all.

I mean, it's POSSIBLE, but it's unlikely.

I've never been much into it tbh. Between the ages of 16 and 18 (under age!) my buddies and I used to go once or twice a month.

I have gone as an adult, however (most recently my groomsmen and best man dragged me out to one against my wishes) and trust me when I tell you this, ladies - there is physical contact. It's often initiated by the dancers, but nonetheless.

I wasn't there 10 minutes before I had a woman grinding herself on me and asking if I wanted a private dance. As you can't really physically assault a stripper, lest you risk your life at the hands of the dozen or so bouncers who are watching everything, you don't have much of a choice but to politely decline and hope she stops gyrating her butt 2 inches from your face while gently grazing your groin area with one of several body parts that are closest to your crotch.

Also, being a certified non-regular at these establishments, I can tell you that in the handful of times I have been to one since being of legal age, the vast majority of men are not there to drink $10 watered-down beers and simply watch from afar. If you aren't dressed like a hobo, you will be propositioned several times an hour (and not always just for private dances, either...)

Again, just from my meagre observations, the areas where the private dancing rooms are located have heavy foot traffic all night.

The last time I went (bachelor outing pre-marriage) there were 9 of us. Only one member of our group obliged any of the dancers (not coincidentally the one guy who is into these types of places and who's idea it was to go...), while the rest of us enjoyed the view of the stage and otherwise politely declined any offers. But we ALL, to a man, had been touched, groped, felt up, had boobs (naked or not) in our faces, and much more. We did not ask for this, or even look like we wanted it. It's their job to "seduce" us by giving you a sample of what they have to offer.

And by the end of the night, many of the dancers made it a point to loudly proclaim that we were "boring" and/or must be gay. But our one buddy was extremely popular.

My point is, these places (unless you are in a State/country that does not allow lap or private dances) are not really for just watching. Seriously. If OP's husband frequented these places regularly, he did not just sit in the corner and watch without any interaction happening.

Therefore, it is cheating, in my books, if you frequent these places and partake in the, what amounts to, heavy groping that occurs, both out in the open and especially in the private rooms. Actual sex or sexual acts DO occur, as well, but even if they don't, having a completely naked woman rubbing herself on you and (probably) touching you in places only your spouse should, is cheating.

For OP's hubby to be that upset at a kiss is not fair. He has every right to be upset, but to threaten divorce over it after all he's (probably) done? Nope.

Ask him if he's ever touched, or been touched, by one of the thousands of dancers he's seen at these places. It doesn't just happen it the private rooms. They will often do much more than speak with you to try to get you to fork over $100 or whatever for a few dances.

I don't think I've ever been to a nudie bar and not had breasts in my face, whether I wanted it or not. I've also been out-and-out groped/rubbed. They REALLY want you to say "yes" to a few dances - that's how they make their money.

Knowing all this, I will never set foot in another one of these places again as long as I am married (or unless my wife brings me to one... lol). I KNOW what potentially (probably) will happen there, and nobody's boobs but my wife's should be in my face (and nobody should be touching my junk other than my wife, myself and my doctor).


----------



## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

I have worked with lots of couples seeking help for one problem after another. It is common for a man to have a harder time getting over a betrayal so there is nothing weird about the situation. I am not clear on the timing of your post though - did he initiate sex and talk about having a baby before or after he woke and said he wanted a divorce? All you can do is be honest and answer his questions and continue to suggest that you both go to a counselor. In the end, he should come to a place where he realizes that he contributed to the problems that have existed in this marriage. Hopefully he will then be able to forgive and move forward. I know about a Christian ministry that has free counseling by phone. If you are interested send me a private message and I will provide the information. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Blessings.


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

I do hope you try to get him into counseling. 

Also, are you able to show him that you stopped all contact with the OM?

Write him out a timeline of everything and see if he will do the same for you. 

Good luck, I do hope you and he find happiness with each other if possible.


----------



## NewtoThisMarriageThing (Oct 17, 2012)

WolverineFan said:


> I have worked with lots of couples seeking help for one problem after another. It is common for a man to have a harder time getting over a betrayal so there is nothing weird about the situation. I am not clear on the timing of your post though - did he initiate sex and talk about having a baby before or after he woke and said he wanted a divorce? All you can do is be honest and answer his questions and continue to suggest that you both go to a counselor. In the end, he should come to a place where he realizes that he contributed to the problems that have existed in this marriage. Hopefully he will then be able to forgive and move forward. I know about a Christian ministry that has free counseling by phone. If you are interested send me a private message and I will provide the information. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Blessings.


The sex and the baby talk was before he mentioned divorce. We have been talking about baby for a while so it was just normal. Today he woke up n texted me saying he wanted a divorce ASAP. I asked him to forgive me, I apologized, I mentioned how things were in our marriage during that time. He's been normal so far today after that, even texting me out of the blue saying "I love you". It may go back n forth for a while I guess. But, ironically, we are Christians (as hard as that may be to imagine) and I will be contacting you for the counseling info.

Thanks a bunch 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NewtoThisMarriageThing (Oct 17, 2012)

alexm said:


> I don't know if this is much of a "man secret" or not, but in my experience, you pretty much can't go to a strip joint without any physical contact at all.
> 
> I mean, it's POSSIBLE, but it's unlikely.
> 
> ...


Wow, thank you for this. I had never thought this deep into it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I don't know if this is going to help but here goes, I'll give you my perspective as to what your husband may be going through.

I don't know how much detail you provided him with, but in his mind he is imagining all kinds of things. For example, why did they just stop at kissing ? What does kissing actually mean ? Did they grope each other ? Did hands go under clothes ? Did they fondle each others parts ? Did he only kiss her on the lips ? What else did he or she touch ? Was she excited ? Did he bring her off or did she bring him off ? How fast did it go from talk to action ? What did they talk about to get to this situation ? What was his chat up line that she fell for ? Did she think of me ? Did either of them say something derogatory about me ? Did she compare me to him ?

You get the idea.

Now if I (and this is just me) was your husband, I would want all of these details and as many as you can remember. If I were to poly you, I would do it on one or more of these details in addition to did you go any further as well as did you ever cheat before etc.

So you see why he is swinging from "I love you" to "I want a divorce". Have you asked him if he wants these kind of details and have you offered them without him asking ? You will need to find out what he needs to know and be truthful - do not be vulgar but do not trickle truth or try to "protect" him from the truth.

And by the way, he needs to also be more truthful with you regarding the lap dance places he visits. I do not believe he is giving you the full truth there. His male pride has been hurt but he should also be aware of this.


----------

