# I just want to know if she even misses me at all



## justsolost (Mar 11, 2012)

She doesn't want to talk to me. Hasn't made any attempt to talk to me. It's been 3.5 months and I am still just completely devastated. I have my good days and bad, today is a bad day. I just miss her so much. I still love her. I'm losing all hope.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Just: You're like me except for the fact that I'm almost a year into the separation, which was facetiously executed by STBXW as a "trial separation." Now we're into a full-blown divorce proceeding. 

It greatly appears that your wife has richly subscribed to the "180" in that she doesn't really want any form of reconciliation. Like yours, mine hurt just as much, but that hurt was brought on, for whatever reason, by the betrayal of my STBXW on allegedly shallow grounds; although I now greatly suspect that she had ulterior motives all along.

We've communicated by phone one time and I think that she actually placed that call to "fight" and to "vent." Other than that, the silence is deafening.

Do I love her? The only thing that I love about her is the perceived promise that we once had together. But from a rational standpoint, it is no longer there and never will be. I was duly abandoned by her and for whatever reason shall remain solely with her.

Continue you regimen of counseling because it will do you so much good than isolating yourself with those inner feelings about the past with her and your perceived promises of the future. If she won't talk to you for any reason, then you have been abandoned and it's truly time for you to move on. You might even consider going the 180 route yourself.

Trust me in saying that there's something far better waiting out there for you, but the journey there will not be an overnight one! I wish you well, my friend!


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

hi justsolost,

I understand where youre coming from, overwhelming pain, feelings of love still there, feeling like she doesn't miss you back...

They say it takes 21 days for someone to form a habit. So you can take comfort in the fact that she at least missed seeing you every day for that time.

Theres nothing you can do to MAKE someone love you. What you can do, is focus on yourself during this time. Counseling has helped me greatly, especially when i felt like i was saying the same things to my family/friends and they couldn't give me what i needed. A professional can.

Were you a happy person back when you didnt even know she existed on this earth? If so, you can return to that point.


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

Her missing you has nothing to do with you. All you are doing is trying to find self worth and validation from the last person in the world you need to be seeking it from.


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

I read your older posts and you are in a better place.

You were worried about not being able to live alone, yet you've been doing it for 3 months.

You didn't like the wishywashy back and forth behavior from your wife, now she's not doing that anymore.

You didn't like being the weak clingy begging man and you haven't done that either.

I call that progress. Yes hope is probably lost on her coming back but there are alternatives to spending your life with her.

good ones


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Sorry to hear you're going through this. Sounds like everyone who's replied has been there. 

I know what you're going through. I'm five months into a separation I did not want. What you're going through is just that - something you need to get through. More importantly, what are you doing to be part of your solution? Are you seeing an IC? Exercising? Keeping busy? Venting? 

Back in January I did not know how I would possibly go on without my wife. I loved and missed her dearly. All I saw was black. I nearly took my own life twice and could not imagine worse emotional pain. Meanwhile, my ex was happy in career and ambition mode, living the romanticized life of a modern woman, as she put it. I loved her, and ultimately myself, enough to let her go. 

This forum can be very helpful. Feel free to vent, ask for help, whine and celebrate your steps forward. It will be a mixed bag. We'll be here to listen, help and give you the occasional kick in the posterior. 

Here a post I made a few weeks ago, one I never though I would ever write. Hope this helps:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/44520-breaking-through-after-grieving-period-progress-so-far.html

Hold on. The roller coaster ride will be wild sometimes, but that lessens - as I'm sure you've already experienced.


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## AllieM (Apr 16, 2012)

Traggy said:


> Her missing you has nothing to do with you. All you are doing is trying to find self worth and validation from the last person in the world you need to be seeking it from.


Love this! Sending it to my phone to remind myself.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Traggy said:


> Her missing you has nothing to do with you. All you are doing is trying to find self worth and validation from the last person in the world you need to be seeking it from.


This is worth reading over a few times, justlost. Your ego has been damaged. Traggy makes a ton of sense here.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Traggy said:


> Her missing you has nothing to do with you. All you are doing is trying to find self worth and validation from the last person in the world you need to be seeking it from.


I'm trying to make better sense of this statement. The whole not missing me part has hurt me to no end. How does someone not miss someone after being with them for 22 years? What are you saying we are doing by being down our spouses don't seem to miss us? Wouldn't lack of that feeling upset anyone?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

JSL, you are in limbo, R is not on the table despite how much you want it to be. You need to stop pinning hope on something that is not currently happening and instead pin the hope on yourself that you will get out of this place, you will find happiness and a purpose to life outside of that place. It's certainly not all roses but its a hell of a lot better than being in a place where hope is lost, where you love someone who doesn't love you back. You need to emotionally detach from her if you want to have your life back.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

sadwithouthim said:


> I'm trying to make better sense of this statement. The whole not missing me part has hurt me to no end. How does someone not miss someone after being with them for 22 years? What are you saying we are doing by being down our spouses don't seem to miss us? Wouldn't lack of that feeling upset anyone?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sure upset me. The rejection was crushing. I felt as if she was discarding an old shoe. 

Sometimes people just fall out of love. Part of the hurt and missing them is a mix of feeling abandoned and rejected, but it's also a blow to our ego. The validation part means someone else's love/attention/affection/etc is tied to our self-worth. They leave and it's not just mourning the loss of the relationship, but feeling empty and ripped of self-esteem and self-confidence. Not the case for every separation, but I went through it. Took a while to rebuild myself and it's still a process.

Make more sense?


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Lon said:


> JSL, you are in limbo, R is not on the table despite how much you want it to be. You need to stop pinning hope on something that is not currently happening and instead pin the hope on yourself that you will get out of this place, you will find happiness and a purpose to life outside of that place. It's certainly not all roses but its a hell of a lot better than being in a place where hope is lost, where you love someone who doesn't love you back. You need to emotionally detach from her if you want to have your life back.


I understand where justsolost is coming from and i understand what you are saying but it's not easy to always just move on. I've been trying for 15 months....when I think I'm there the next day I find myself upset and crying. How does one fully let go. I've tried keeping busy, exercising my ass off, reading recommended books, therapy, support groups...you name it. What's left? IDK....maybe I'm just nuts????

Im just saying sometimes its just hard to forget and give up on the person. I understand one needs to to get a life but sometimes one just can't do it. I believe time is the greatest healer combined with all those other things. Just a @#%$& getting there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

canguy66 said:


> Sure upset me. The rejection was crushing. I felt as if she was discarding an old shoe.
> 
> Sometimes people just fall out of love. Part of the hurt and missing them is a mix of feeling abandoned and rejected, but it's also a blow to our ego. The validation part means someone else's love/attention/affection/etc is tied to our self-worth. They leave and it's not just mourning the loss of the relationship, but feeling empty and ripped of self-esteem and self-confidence. Not the case for every separation, but I went through it. Took a while to rebuild myself and it's still a process.
> 
> Make more sense?


It does make sense and i can see that but how does one know that's what's holding them back? I mean in my own case I'm told all the time I'm attractive and hit on and deep down I know I'm smart and i know I'm good at a lot of things so how can it be self worth I'm lacking? He's really put me through the ringer and yet I honestly can say if he's stopped the divorce proceedings and wanted to work on the marriage, I'm pretty sure I still would not hesitate even after all the hurt he caused. 

I do think I have a bit of fear handling things on my own and starting a new life and hell....I don't really want to start over again after 22 years. Isn't that kind of being more lazy than lack of self worth? Maybe the fear of handling everything on my own is some lack of self worth? IDK...maybe I over think things....maybe why my head hurts constantly. I can agree on one thing....definitely pathetic on my part to keep missing someone who doesn't seem to miss me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sad,

If I may, your moniker has always impressed me as honest. Of course, I've been hoping that you can find some peace and get to feeling better.

The real key here is personalization. The life you had with your husband has already largely ended. Yet, him filing is a sign of a mostly inevitable outcome.

Here's the thing: If you look upon this as your failure rather than give him credit for his part, it will haunt you forever.

Your husband clearly has some issues. Do you want to talk about them? Perhaps if you can "see him" more clearly, it will help you release yourself from this vise.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Sad,
> 
> If I may, your moniker has always impressed me as honest. Of course, I've been hoping that you can find some peace and get to feeling better.
> 
> ...


I can't argue there....I've blamed myself for everything and tried to do everything to make amends but he never seemed to care. 

I know deep down he has his own issues...arrogance maybe? He's always had his priorities mixed up. I think getting married so young and being naive myself I didn't pick up on these thing and they didn't seem to bother me. As i got older and wanted more in our relationship it complicated things.

Yes, please share if you see things I don't or have advice. 

Just....I hope you don't mind all my questions on your thread....your question was a good one and very much a situation in my own life. Maybe my questions and others advice will help answer yours more or give you some comfort. There has been many days some of the people on this board got me through them. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

sadwithouthim said:


> I understand where justsolost is coming from and i understand what you are saying but it's not easy to always just move on. I've been trying for 15 months....when I think I'm there the next day I find myself upset and crying. How does one fully let go. I've tried keeping busy, exercising my ass off, reading recommended books, therapy, support groups...you name it. What's left? IDK....maybe I'm just nuts????
> 
> Im just saying sometimes its just hard to forget and give up on the person. I understand one needs to to get a life but sometimes one just can't do it. I believe time is the greatest healer combined with all those other things. Just a @#%$& getting there.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Believe me, I too know firsthand how difficult it can be to let go. In fact I almost feel fortunate for the hurt she caused me because I was able to use the pain and anger to get me out of that limbo faster. I also understand time is a healer, I'm a year out and still have those sad moments sneak up on me where I just suddenly collapse in hurt and bawl. However, in limbo the wound is still being inflicted, so time is not being used for healing its still just causing pain. Once he lets go and begins detaching then time will be to his advantage, but right now he is not doing himself favors. But he will move on when he's ready and there is nothing anyone can really do to make that decision for him, I'm just trying to reassure him that this shall pass.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I am sorry for your pain. Know that it does get better in time.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I promise.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Lon said:


> Believe me, I too know firsthand how difficult it can be to let go. In fact I almost feel fortunate for the hurt she caused me because I was able to use the pain and anger to get me out of that limbo faster. I also understand time is a healer, I'm a year out and still have those sad moments sneak up on me where I just suddenly collapse in hurt and bawl. However, in limbo the wound is still being inflicted, so time is not being used for healing its still just causing pain. Once he lets go and begins detaching then time will be to his advantage, but right now he is not doing himself favors. But he will move on when he's ready and there is nothing anyone can really do to make that decision for him, I'm just trying to reassure him that this shall pass.


Like you, Lon, we all get somewhat delusional when we think back to a point in time with our partner that nearly mirrored perfection. It's so real that you think that you can just reach out and feel it, sell it, or taste it! Like you, I'm for all intents and purposes, a year out, at least in separation, and it doesn't seem all that real despite the meandering proceedings of litigation.

But it's all too real, and I don't ever want to embrace that pain and betrayal again. God has plans for all of us who are affected by these traumas, and I'll just choose to leave that with Him. I truly believe that there is something better waiting out there for all of us!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sad,

If you want to move this to another thread, feel free.

I think this whole issue is pretty "universal". I'll give you an example. At one point, I was so smitten with my wife that I clung like a june bug. She was "everything" I never had. Beautiful, sexy, smart, and had a real edge.

We now live separately. She now often says she doesn't feel like I care what happens to her anymore.

What changed?

I finally see her for what she is. Yes, I still love her. But, I also understand that for someone with her issues, what I was doing before would NEVER result in a good life for me.

In other words, I have now claimed my happiness. I quit grinning and bearing it when she was unreasonable. I stood up to her and - of course - she moved out, as I always feared she would.

I can honestly tell you that I am happier now than at any point in our marriage. I'm sure it shows in my writing. And, I wouldn't be any less "happy" if we get divorced.

For your see, my wife is one of those broken people I write about so often. Understanding her pain and behavior as that of a damaged child helped me come to grips with what was actually going on. Instead of excusing it and "coping" as I had in the past, I transcended it.

But, to see through her, I had to first see through me.

When you understand situations things change. Hearts change. But, most of all, you change. Others may change in response. But, that's really up to them.

Tell me about him. Tell me about you.

Maybe we can shed some light on this that will give you some much hoped for relief.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Conrad, you sound so enlightened -- after you deal with sad, will you help me too?! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MyselfAgain said:


> Conrad, you sound so enlightened -- after you deal with sad, will you help me too?!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I bumped another thread with a question for you.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Right now I feel the only way to get past this, to move on is through death
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

proudwidaddy said:


> Right now I feel the only way to get past this, to move on is through death
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Proud,

Was drama an issue with you two?


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

No
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> No
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Proud, how are you feeling?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jenny123 (Mar 21, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> Right now I feel the only way to get past this, to move on is through death
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You will get past this. We all know it is the most awful thing to go through, but we have to be strong for ourselves and our kids. 

Hang in there....you can do it! Are you on any antidepressants? It seems to be helping me so far and it's only been a few weeks since I started. It just helps you deal a little better.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> Right now I feel the only way to get past this, to move on is through death
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's the way I felt in January-February. Fast-forward to now and apart from a few sad moments, I am in a much better place. I just kept moving forward, Proud, no matter what.

You can too. Several of us have.


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> I'm trying to make better sense of this statement. The whole not missing me part has hurt me to no end. How does someone not miss someone after being with them for 22 years? What are you saying we are doing by being down our spouses don't seem to miss us? Wouldn't lack of that feeling upset anyone?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is like this. 

Thinking about whether or not the person that left us is thinking about us or missing us is giving them power over us. Simply put, we are seeking the X's approval for something deep down we know to be true. If we are good people or not. If we are lovable. If what we had was real.

So, when we ask ourselves, "I wonder if they miss me at all" we seek validation from them. We are seeking our own worth from them. I know it is hard to think like this, but you are not together, you are separate or divorced, and you have been, most likely if you are here, wronged in someway by THEM.

The person that hurt you the most in your lifetime, most likely, is not the person to seek out self worth, or self validation from. Can you see how backwards this way of thinking is? 

"Hey you shot me! Do you still love me?"

The place you gotta get is here. Not giving a damn about whether or not they miss you. That shows that they no longer have a hold on you. They don't have your heart.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Traggy said:


> It is like this.
> 
> Thinking about whether or not the person that left us is thinking about us or missing us is giving them power over us. Simply put, we are seeking the X's approval for something deep down we know to be true. If we are good people or not. If we are lovable. If what we had was real.
> 
> ...


Don't seek your self worth from anyone else.

It's inside you.

Choose to be happy.


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## justsolost (Mar 11, 2012)

Thanks for the advice and discourse here, everyone. It's really helped. Since I made this thread, I think I have turned a corner. I am in IC, I am exercising and doing all the things I should. My counselor says I'm doing extremely well considering what I've gone through and that it's only been 3 months.

My focus has now shifted to where I do not think about her all the time, not even every day now. I can now imagine life without her and have identified things that are better now without her.

Up until about the time I made this thread, I would say that if she were to say she wanted to come back, I would take her, then I said I would have to think about it, but take her back. Now I don't believe I would take her back. I'm pretty much at "Here's a quarter, call someone who cares."

It helps that I have the attention of a few other females now (not getting into anything committed), I got a new job that pays 50% more than my old one, and the IC is helping in all sorts of other ways I didn't even intend, much more than just getting over a dead relationship.

So, things are looking up. I hope it continues.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

How it continues is very much up to you. Sounds like you`re on a much better path.

I had a moment today when I missed my ex. We both liked her cousin`s anniversary FB status about marrying her best friend, within moments of each other. Made me sigh and miss her.

But... I when I have those moments I remind myself I miss the highlight reel, not the main attraction. It has been one my emotional anchors when I find myself missing her. Might be a good idea to find a couple of your own. It helps.


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