# My husband has a best female friend



## Julieee85

The post was considered too long by some, but the thread explains itself and here is a summary for those who didn't read the original post: 
I (36) looked for advice on how to deal with my husband (38) and marriage of eight months because he regularly goes out for a coffee with a female friend (39). The friendship is previous to our marriage, however, it has become a bummer because my husband recently helped the friend in a unusual and unnecessary situation, then argued with me, and because shortly after, during a trip, my husband said he wasn't sure whether or not visit some place because the friend might be upset that he didn't go with her (she was in the same city we were during the trip). I also discussed other apparently minor but meaningful events that made me uncomfortable in the original post.
I contacted the woman's husband (34) to make him aware that my husband was helping his wife on occasions he should be present. The man pretended to be cool about it all and I sense he got a little annoyed with me. I also believe the wife has a part in not letting him communicate with me. She deleted me from her contacts and keeps posting memories of her friendship with my husband on her Facebook wall (the husband most certainly can't see those).
The female friend (39) is married to a man (34) that seems clueless and maybe doesn't even know about the coffee times. There is also regular texting between my husband and the friend. Nothing too overt, yet the frequency and the falsely casual subjects annoyed me. Yes, it took me years, but I eventually read his texts. We are three years into the relationship (sorry for the English). They had this texting routine before I showed up, but he is struggling with the fact that some things are inappropriate now that they are both married to third parties. Both seem to deem marriage suffocating and bad. Yet they chose to marry because it is so good to be someone's priority, isn't it? And maybe you are not a nice person if you don't reciprocate by making the person you are married to your priority, too.
In a nutshell, maybe there will be a divorce (here or there) at some point close or down the road and I honestly wouldn't like that to happen. Or maybe, just maybe, there will not be any divorce, if things can follow a higher path and people grow more responsible and mature, including myself.
I decided to delete the original post because it was making me somehow anxious, as if my negativity could become stronger just by being posted. May the good Lord protect us all, believers and non-believers.

Thank you all for your kind support. I loved that some of you were enthusiastic about counseling (and I am, too). I also found it very insightful the BDSM logic that some explained here. Really enlightening (yet disturbing, but thank you, now I see things in a very different way). For those who suggested I cut the losses, this is in tune with my character, but I know I am dealing with a person that doesn't have anything to lose and I come from a story of frequent moves and having to leave everything behind many times due to neglect in my family and to a failed past relationship. Now I wish I could grow roots somewhere. Make my house my house. After all, I earned what I have (in terms of material things) and it is so easy to leave it all behind to others who didn't do anything, isn't it? I know this first hand. I once left a house I built and guess what? The woman after me didn't even have to buy her sheets and she remains there. 
I believe my husband is in a sort of mid-life crisis (MLC), because he's changed so fast and misses colleagues and nights out. People in MLC can make some really stupid choices and I believe he is in such a situation, so I wish I could give him a chance, but without being too delusional and really leaving if that's what I must do. I already have a plan if divorce should be the case, but I wish I don't have to do it. 

Thank you for your support.
Wish the others what you wish for yourself. I hope to find you well.


----------



## snowbum

I was the best girlfriend. For a few years I wanted to date, he didn’t. I carried a little torch. We never met up one. We never met with significant others. We did talk on the phone occasionally ( death in family, really sick kids. Etc). My friend chose his wife every time. If your husband makes you feel bad, something’s up


----------



## snowbum

You married the wrong guy.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Julieee85 said:


> I have been married for 8 months and we have three years of relationship. Me: 36. He: 37. The female friend: 39.
> I married my husband aware that he had this friendship, even though here and there there were occasions that made me uncomfortable, but they were not serious and only became really terrible after the wedding.
> After we married, she began to behave really obnoxiously. The first thing was she mockering our religious ceremony when we greeted her as we arrived at the venue to receive the guests: "Are you done kneeling?", she asked with a funny face. For me, to whom that ceremony was meaningful, it sounded disrepectful, but I would only recall that remark many months later.
> Some other times, she displayed inappropriate behavior being dismissive of her own husband meanwhile she was more attentive to mine. There was nothing too overt, but small things, like she "not" seeing that her husband had arrived to an outdoor party we were attending and not greeting him. Instead, she passed through him as if he was invisible and went for a walk with my husband because she wanted to catch up with my husband (and they should catch up by themselves). I stayed were I was and started talking to her husband and to the other people that were with us. When she was back she said to her husband: "Oh, I hadn't seen you." Her husband is the youngest among us: 34.
> On another occasion there was a game to guess the sex of the baby she is pregnant with (8 months) and she should guess her husband's favorite beverage and her husband should guess hers. She replied wrong. Her husband answered right and she sighed: sorry, Kevin, that my favorite beverage is water and not coffee (Kevin being my husband). That was totally out of the blue and out of context. I could understand the hint because she and my husband often go out for a coffee (never inviting the spouses). Other than that, I believe it was inappropriate because the focus should be on her and her husband, not someone else. I felt really embarrased of her mentioning and looking up to my husband among the guests during a game about her own husband, she and their baby.
> A few weeks later, we were at home at night and my husband said he was going out to help her with something. I asked what and he didn't reply, even though he waited silent for a while, as if deciding whether to reply or not, or maybe waiting for some more reaction on my part. I offered myself to go with him, but gave up because he hadn't invited me and I didn't want to add humiliation to that. I said: Ok, see you later. He didn't reply where he was going and just left, as if I hadn't asked anything.
> When he was back half an hour later he said that he had gone out with her to pick a baby stroller she had bought. Not her husband, who is going to push the stroller, but mine had to go run that errand with her. I said:
> - That is so weird you didn't even want me to know about it.
> I wasn't loud. I was still. However, he started yelling at me and saying I was making his life miserable and that if I made him drift away from her, our life would become hell and he would leave me. It was all heavily dramatic on his side, while I just shrank and tried to stay as clear as possible.
> He always says friendships are very important to him, a real part of whom he is. I believe him and I don't want to make him miserable, but I don't trust the woman and I know she hasn't liked me from day one. Of course my husband doesn't believe that. His other many friends are in other countries. In our city she is the only friend he has, as he keeps saying. (As a wife I don't seem to qualify as a "friend" or as "friendly", as it has become so hard to be around him.)
> Let's cut to another few weeks after the "baby stroller event".
> We are by the sea in another city because of a work trip of his. I got some days off from work to be with him during his spare time. The female friend was at the same city because they are colleagues and she was going to speak in the same event. She travelled without her husband. My husband and she are not from the same company, but work in the same field.
> On the second day after we arrived and he wasn't working, I asked if he wanted to go visit a site and he said he wasn't sure because the friend might be upset that he didn't go with her. She was staying in a lodge at the site I wanted to visit and he behaved like "not having stayed in the lodge with her and the others had anything to do with him going with his wife to visit the place".
> Context: this friend and other coworkers decided where to stay at the last minute and my husband had chosen our Airbnb months in advance, this is why we were in separate hotels.
> The mere idea that "upsetting her for going somewhere without her" crossed his mind was too hurtful to me and made those days terrible for both of us.
> Time after time I have seen that she is in his mind when he should focus on us. Just when things are getting better in our sex life or when we are deepening our emotional connection we have a set back because he seems to feel like she is the one he is betraying.
> He is usually very aloof with me. I come home from work and he is in the dark playing in the computer. He is very passionate about his work, but by the time I get home he is done and always playing something. Then we watch something and go to bed. Sex is not so frequent. We even made it more frequent because we were trying to have a baby, but he started to complain that it wouldn't work under pressure. We started to have uncomfortable conversations about sex. I thoughtfully questioned about the lack of it and he explained that he felt pressure. I know I am patient and never pressured him (it would be a downer).
> We didn't have much sex before the wedding because I felt guilty due to my ideologies. Now he says I shouldn't expect to go from 0 to 100 so fast (we have been married for 8 months and it is still 1 or 2 - very far from 100).
> To add to all of that, my husband and this friend have a habit of going out for a coffee, sometimes more than once in a month, and her husband and I are not invited. We seldom go out as couples.
> They also text a lot. I'm not sure if everyday, but many times a week and I notice those texts are often before he goes to sleep. Those texts are not "good nights", but have this effect. I believe both are clever enough to not incriminate themselves with more open content and they don't need it, after all, they have plenty of time together during those coffee times. They don't work at the same company, but at the same field (two different companies with the same scope), so there wouldn't be a reason to catch up so often. There are times when they don't see each other so often (as far as I know), but recently they seem to have been meeting a lot.
> Yes, I did the wrong thing of checking his texts about three times in three years of relationship and I see that she shares things like dreams she had on the previous night (nothing sexual, but sharing dreams is something) or something random that passes through her mind or she is doing in her life. She also asks things like in which movie this or that happened and the movie happens to be his favorite movie, as I know.
> When we were at the seashore, I saw she sent him a beautiful picture of her on that beach I wanted to visit. She makes herself reminded of every time.
> I feel like he feels divided. I'm not a psychic but once I had a glimpse (an unintended "vision") of her pregnant laying on our bed and him kissing her ankle. It happened early in the morning. Later on that same day I learnt that he had gone out with her for a coffee. So far he says he hasn't made those encounters secret, but he stated he intends to do so, since I am so angry every time they happen. This was long before the baby stroller night and the beach trip.
> Before that "vision" I had had a few weird dreams of snakes on my bed and I don't usually have weird dreams. When I dreamt of the snakes I believed it meant deceit, as I felt that feeling of betrayal or of being observed unaware of it, but I didn't relate those dreams to her by that point, but to other aspects of my life.
> Well, I feel terrible. In my textbook this sounds so much like emotional cheating because I can't grasp the idea of being physically cheated on, but I believe that if things go on like that this is the necessary outcome. He has been making me so bitter I even know that my behavior could fit as an excuse for cheating. You know: "jealous wife, feeling suffocated in marriage, terrible marriage"... All those things people say not to blame themselves (because they believe they are good people). And he is starting to say those things.
> Her husband seems clueless or maybe he seems to have reached a point in which he loves her so much he would endure any humiliation to keep her. I feel he has low self esteem (and don't I, maybe?).
> Yesterday my husband said indirectly that I am not the stereotype for men. I am beautiful, it is just that I don't focus on seductive clothes or vanity. She, on the other hand, is always wearing tight clothes, even in pregnancy, and I acknowledge that she is attractive, but I also have my appeal. Her trademark is her super red lipstick and she is always wearing shorts and shirts without sleeves etc. Even in winter she wears shorts. Nothing below the kneels.
> My husband takes good care of the practical stuff of our domestic life. Grocery, feeding the cats (he lives in the house after all), but is dismissive of me. He likes to know my thoughts, but has become judgmental of me and has never been open about his own thoughts and feelings, except that he has been feeling miserable because of our fights regarding this person. He is behaving like he is so sad and miserable and I am so mean. He actively brings the topic to appreciation, either directly or indirectly. On my interactions with her she criticizes things important to me: religion, my hometown. Her comments are harsh and falsely casual, as she pretends not to know much about me.
> Sex life between my husband and I has always been tepid and I didn't worry much about that before marriage because I felt split the few times I had sex before marriage, due to my ideological concerns. Also he didn't seem enthusiastic about having sex, to my dismay. I tried to convince myself that bad sex had only to do with my guilt, but now I see that I can't do bad sex alone. Today I feel trapped in my own choice. I couldn't see that maybe he accepted my terms of (almost) not having sex before marriage because maybe he didn't really care so much about sex with me in the first place. He is not religious. I am religious, even though I failed contradicting my belief. I suffered for this, too.
> He almost never initiates sex. The last time he asked for it I felt happy, only to be told afterwards that he was about to go out for a coffee with the friend. This was the last event to spur our fights and these fights have been lasting for days. He stuck to the point where I don't like him to go out with her and now I am trying to have some dignity and not mention that the correlation between surprise sex with me sex and coffee with her was clear. Maybe to appease everyone in the scenario, except that it didn't.
> I believe that I am his safe choice. A woman who will always be loyal, who doesn't challenge him by having male friends (he says he would not mind if I had, but that's easy, since this is not the reality). A woman who works a lot and dreamed of having a family after two bad relationships. Having come from a background of bad relationships maybe it was easy to settle for one that didn't seem horrible, yet cold.
> Every time we are starting to connect sexually or emotionally I feel there is a setback, as if he feels like he shouldn't get too involved with me (!!).
> Am I overreacting to something innocent? My husband is not someone people say would cheat. I trust him, I am just hurt. He even said I don't yell at him and I should. He is teasing me so much.
> On the appearance, he is a nice, gentle, calm man, even aloof due to some autistic nature and I love that he seems (or used to seem) so simple to deal with. But he has been changing and doesn't seem to bear the sight of me.
> Last week, for the first time in my life, I got up and left a bar where I was hanging out with him because we started arguing (and because of this woman).
> I feel so embarrased. He said some girlfriend in the past did the same thing of getting up and leaving the venue and I had never heard about it, as he was never clear or deep about the reasons of his breakups. He was always vague. Someone worked a lot, someone moved to another city... but his previous relationships were good. Anyway, storming out of a public place IS a big deal to me. I am not that person.
> I don't want to keep him away from friends, I just believe this friendship has crossed many boundaries and both are disrespectful to the people (her husband and I) who chose to prioritize them over others, without the same emotional reciprocity. I believe he is a good person, but God he has been so mean to me. I feel horrible. I try to think the best of him, but I see he is split, confused and open to the influence of someone selfish. I believe he can start to hate me.
> When we were still dating, he would say he loved how naïve and well-meaning I was, never seeing the evil in others. Now I am this terrible, jealous controlling woman who makes him cry of despair, according to his behavior. He is very dramatic.
> I never saw myself as a perfect person, but I wouldn't emotionally cheat (let alone physically do so). I don't intend to be vengeful. I intend to keep as much dignity as I can, because this has affected my self-esteem and my joy. What to do? Is there any chance this works out with some dignity or will things become worse? I hate yelling and I have been yelled at and I feel things are becoming degenerate (me storming out of a public place is not me, what else comes next?).
> I now acknowledge that maybe I married out of social expectations or self delusion.
> Thank you for your support.
> 
> Ages:
> Female friend's husband: 34. Me: 36. Husband: 37. Female friend: 39.
> Belief systems:
> Me: Christian. All the others in the story: sceptics.


Did she marry her husband before you two got married? Trying to put it in context. 

I would tell you to STOP trying to get pregnant until you know what is really going on here. Also, once she has a baby and if you don't have one, she isn't going to be available to him as often, so I would not get pregnant right now and see how that plays out. I hope her husband has the sense to DNA the baby. I mean, if you think something sexual is going on, it could be his baby. Hence the stroller. Or not. 

I do know he should be more inclusive of you and if he makes plans like on that trip with her before consulting you, that is not cool.

On the other hand, I am a person who has had platonic close male friends. Men can often confide in a woman about things they only get laughed at talking to men, so it's not nothing. 

I am not for isolating anyone from their friends since that is abuse, but you could do the opposite and start inviting her and her husband to dinner, rattling her cage that way, and his, and seeing how they interact or whether she avoids the dinner. Don't even TELL him you're doing it. Just say, Karen and her husband are coming for dinner tomorrow. Get them out in the open where you're around them. It might intimidate her a little or work on her conscious or it might make her husband take notice. Maybe your husband can switch over from being besties with her to besties with her husband. I would try that. Invite them places without his knowledge or approval. She will text him as soon as you invite her and before he even knows it's happening, and if he says something before you've told him, you'll know that happened, and that's just a little more info. If that happens, text her husband right away and make sure he knows about the invitation. Then he might gain an awareness if it turns out he was the last one to know behind you, her, your husband. Sneaky, huh?


----------



## SunCMars

It makes me wonder; whose baby is in her belly?
Whose da' daddy?

His mind is on his lady friend, and hers is on him.
She and your husband are the ones that got away from each other.

*They do not even try to hide it!*

'Get a divorce.

Why?

He never really married you, he married you to rid his mind of her.

He came right out and said he will divorce you if you question his relationship and purported friendship with her.

It would not surprise me if they are having secret trysts.

Justly sayin'


----------



## *Deidre*

I get the same uncomfortable feeling reading your post, OP. You’re not making a big deal about it, it sounds like this is more than a friendship. Not sure how much more, but more.

I can only speak for myself, no way would I compete for my own husband. To me, that’s just humiliating and not worth it really, because what are you gaining from doing that? I wouldn’t want to be with a man who treats me like this.

Your husband sounds like he doesn’t care and maybe you should just start discussing the future and how you feel. If he makes you feel jealous etc then I think you should start seeking legal advice. Life’s too short to spend it with a guy who takes you for granted and blatantly humiliates you.


----------



## *Deidre*

SunCMars said:


> It makes me wonder; whose baby is in her belly?
> Whose da' daddy?
> 
> His mind is on his lady friend, and hers is on him.
> She and your husband are the ones that got away from each other.
> 
> *They do not even try to hide it!*
> 
> 'Get a divorce.
> 
> Why?
> 
> He never really married you, he married you to rid his mind of her.
> 
> He came right out and said he will divorce you if you question his relationship and purported friendship with her.
> 
> It would not surprise me if they are having secret trysts.
> 
> Justly sayin'


It crossed my mind too that this could be his kid, thus his lack of interest in sex with you, OP.

That could be a leap but this is more than a friendship, at the very least. I wouldn’t call her husband, I wouldn’t call her. I wouldn’t invite her over…I would just share my feelings with my husband if I were you, and if it continued, I’d serve him divorce papers.

I’m not really a confrontational person. I believe in Occam’s Razor - that scientific principle. The easiest explanation is usually the right one. Friendships don’t look like this when you’re married. If for no other reason, than the sheer amount of time he's spending on her. That is why it's not appropriate. Normal, healthy friendships have boundaries, with married people.


----------



## Julieee85

DownByTheRiver said:


> Did she marry her husband before you two got married? Trying to put it in context.
> 
> I would tell you to STOP trying to get pregnant until you know what is really going on here. Also, once she has a baby and if you don't have one, she isn't going to be available to him as often, so I would not get pregnant right now and see how that plays out. I hope her husband has the sense to DNA the baby. I mean, if you think something sexual is going on, it could be his baby. Hence the stroller. Or not.
> 
> I do know he should be more inclusive of you and if he makes plans like on that trip with her before consulting you, that is not cool.
> 
> On the other hand, I am a person who has had platonic close male friends. Men can often confide in a woman about things they only get laughed at talking to men, so it's not nothing.
> 
> I am not for isolating anyone from their friends since that is abuse, but you could do the opposite and start inviting her and her husband to dinner, rattling her cage that way, and his, and seeing how they interact or whether she avoids the dinner. Don't even TELL him you're doing it. Just say, Karen and her husband are coming for dinner tomorrow. Get them out in the open where you're around them. It might intimidate her a little or work on her conscious or it might make her husband take notice. Maybe your husband can switch over from being besties with her to besties with her husband. I would try that. Invite them places without his knowledge or approval. She will text him as soon as you invite her and before he even knows it's happening, and if he says something before you've told him, you'll know that happened, and that's just a little more info. If that happens, text her husband right away and make sure he knows about the invitation. Then he might gain an awareness if it turns out he was the last one to know behind you, her, your husband. Sneaky, huh?


She got married in October/2021 and didn't invite my husband to her wedding, even though he keeps saying she is his best friend. Who doesn't invite a close friend to her wedding? She didn't invite anyone from our city anyway, but the wedding was in a city close to ours. She almost got married in secret. My husband and I got married in February (4 months later). Her baby is from about that time. My husband and hers are from different ethnicities, so it would be easy to see who the father is.
As we needed two couples as witnesses to our wedding, he chose her and her husband as witnesses but said I should not contact her, because she was HIS witness. I shouldn't even suggest a dress color, because he deemed it futile. I am really sad and feeling defrauded, but God tried to alert me through my own experience. I am repeating so many mistakes. What did I expect? I guess at least I had hope. I was just too needy to wait more or accept what God wanted for me. Anyway, His will shall prevail. 
I will try to be more inclusive of them as soon as possible (if I don't go for an annulment in the next weeks), but right now it is just too messy. I commented with her husband about the stroller and I believe it touched him somehow. He is aware of her behavior, but just wanted to have a child and a family, as his mother put it once. Thank you for your advice.


----------



## *Deidre*

Yea, it sounds like this just isn't the right guy for you. I'm sorry you find yourself here. I believe in God too, and He will see you through this, and sometimes He allows us to learn some hard lessons, but it's because it will grow us, in the end.


----------



## SunCMars

Julieee85 said:


> My husband and hers are from different ethnicities, so it would be easy to see who the father is.


Keep us posted on this. 
If you are kept from viewing the baby, ask yourself why.

As you mentioned, it will be difficult to hide.

That is when Dear Old Grandma Avni, maybe Abiba is mentioned.
The child took after her.
Yep.


----------



## Lotsofheart73

I could not even make through reading all of your first post. Something is not right. Stop trying to get pregnant and stay on reliable birth control. Your husband does not care for you the way a husband should. I don’t know what happened or why. If he hasn’t “woken up” to his very inappropriate behavior by now it is not going to happen. You cannot make him change. Prepare for divorce by seeing an attorney and follow the attorney’s advice. He is not going to change and that “friend” is not going to change simply for the reason that they do not want too. Sorry.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

You know you should leave this guy pronto. Nuff said.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

Lotsofheart73 said:


> I could not even make through reading all of your first post. Something is not right. Stop trying to get pregnant and stay on reliable birth control. Your husband does not care for you the way a husband should. I don’t know what happened or why. If he hasn’t “woken up” to his very inappropriate behavior by now it is not going to happen. You cannot make him change. Prepare for divorce by seeing an attorney and follow the attorney’s advice. He is not going to change and that “friend” is not going to change simply for the reason that they do not want too. Sorry.


Ditto. Thanks for writing it 👍👍👍


----------



## Lotsofheart73

His friends should be guys that he either grew up with or ones that he shares common interests with.
I’m in my late 40s and have worked a good part of my adult life. I have never had a guy friend from work or otherwise that I went out anywhere with.
My husband does not have “girl friends”. Has he ever helped a female friend who asked for help with something? Yes, but it was a female that is part of couple friends that we socialize with. And it was minor thing like killing a snake or helping with a lawnmower when her husband was working lots of overtime. No personal stuff like baby strollers. No going for coffee etc. we socialized together as couples.


----------



## Anastasia6

Your husband has a girlfriend NOT a best girlfriend.


----------



## Anastasia6

I think your marriage was 4 month after hers because he was upset that his orbiting didn't work.

But it feels like he still has a crush on her. I doubt it's his baby because I think he hasn't closed the deal yet. But he wants to.

I'm so very sorry for the position you find yourself in. Oh, Looking at his phone shouldn't be some no - no. Married couples shouldn't have secret communications.

If it quacks like a duck, and walks like a duck it's a duck. If it looks like he cares for her more than you..... If it looks like he wishes to be married to her....

I could not live like this. The sad part is you MAY be able to get him to change some but face it, you'd only be changing the behavior not the fact you were a ohh **** she married someone else so I guess I'll marry the girl I"m dating cause I can show her or I don't want to be alone.


----------



## DudeInProgress

Julieee85 said:


> She got married in October/2021 and didn't invite my husband to her wedding, even though he keeps saying she is his best friend. Who doesn't invite a close friend to her wedding? She didn't invite anyone from our city anyway, but the wedding was in a city close to ours. She almost got married in secret. My husband and I got married in February (4 months later). Her baby is from about that time. My husband and hers are from different ethnicities, so it would be easy to see who the father is.
> As we needed two couples as witnesses to our wedding, he chose her and her husband as witnesses but said I should not contact her, because she was HIS witness. I shouldn't even suggest a dress color, because he deemed it futile. I am really sad and feeling defrauded, but God tried to alert me through my own experience. I am repeating so many mistakes. What did I expect? I guess at least I had hope. I was just too needy to wait more or accept what God wanted for me. Anyway, His will shall prevail.
> I will try to be more inclusive of them as soon as possible (if I don't go for an annulment in the next weeks), but right now it is just too messy. I commented with her husband about the stroller and I believe it touched him somehow. He is aware of her behavior, but just wanted to have a child and a family, as his mother put it once. Thank you for your advice.


Maybe I missed it or didn’t read carefully enough - did you have a formal wedding ceremony / celebration? Or was it just a handful of people?

Unfortunately, I don’t think your situation is tenable. I think it’s going to have to break one way or the other.

The dynamics of this “friendship” are not appropriate or conducive to either marriage.

Also, this woman sounds like a treacherous snake, both in the way she behaves with your husband and the way she treats her own.
Is her husband blind and foolish that he doesn’t recognize the issue, or is he just too weak / powerless to do address it?

I hate to say it, but I think your best course of action is to get an annulment and walk.
It’s so early into this seemingly miss-aligned marriage anyway, it’s probably best to cut your losses and move on.
You could try to set boundaries, and tell your husband that this friendship not appropriate or acceptable for you and your boundaries within your marriage, and that you can’t stay in a marriage with this current dynamic - but honestly, he may well not choose you, or if he did would be a miserable resentful jerk for the rest of your marriage.


----------



## Anastasia6

DudeInProgress said:


> Maybe I missed it or didn’t read carefully enough - did you have a formal wedding ceremony / celebration? Or was it just a handful of people?
> 
> Unfortunately, I don’t think your situation is tenable. I think it’s going to have to break one way or the other.
> 
> The dynamics of this “friendship” are not appropriate or conducive to either marriage.
> 
> Also, this woman sounds like a treacherous snake, both in the way she behaves with your husband and the way she treats her own.
> Is her husband blind and foolish that he doesn’t recognize the issue, or is he just too weak / powerless to do address it?
> 
> I hate to say it, but I think your best course of action is to get an annulment and walk.
> It’s so early into this seemingly miss marriage anyway, it’s probably best to cut your losses and move on.
> You could try to set boundaries, and tell your husband that this friendship not appropriate or acceptable for you and your boundaries within your marriage, and that you can’t stay in a marriage with this current dynamic - but honestly, he may well not choose you, or if he did would be a miserable resentful jerk for the rest of your marriage.


Yep he's already said he'd be a miserable jerk and make sure she was also unhappy. So that doesn't leave much to do other than leave.

this one. I'd plan to leave while he was as work and I'd simply disappear and block him on everything.


----------



## Cynthia

Your husband is not faithful to you, even if he hadn't been having sex with the other woman (OW). He is putting her over you. That is not acceptable in a marriage.
Why are you still married to him? Why are you trying to have a baby with him?


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Julieee85 said:


> She got married in October/2021 and didn't invite my husband to her wedding, even though he keeps saying she is his best friend. Who doesn't invite a close friend to her wedding?
> 
> She didn't invite anyone from our city anyway, but the wedding was in a city close to ours. She almost got married in secret. My husband and I got married in February (4 months later). Her baby is from about that time. My husband and hers are from different ethnicities, so it would be easy to see who the father is.
> 
> _That is odd. So she was pregnant when she married him? That could explain why she didn't invite him. Didn't want to give relatives a reason to suspect anything. Especially if she doesn't know whose baby it is. So maybe it will be easy to tell once the baby is born, but you never know. Of course, you know what the ethnicities are and I don't. _
> 
> I will try to be more inclusive of them as soon as possible (if I don't go for an annulment in the next weeks), but right now it is just too messy. I commented with her husband about the stroller and I believe it touched him somehow. He is aware of her behavior, but just wanted to have a child and a family, as his mother put it once. Thank you for your advice.
> 
> _I would say if you can do an annulment, with all this going on, not the worst idea. When is she due to give birth? Once she has the baby, she will likely be too busy to socialize much. If she starts including him in raising baby, well.....that would be nuts.
> 
> Definitely halt trying to get pregnant, though. See what happens after she gives birth. Do the socializing before that. _


My text in italics above.


----------



## Young at Heart

Julieee85 said:


> I don't want to keep him away from friends, I just believe *this friendship has crossed many boundaries and both are disrespectful to the people (her husband and I) who chose to prioritize them over others, without the same emotional reciprocity. I believe he is a good person, but God he has been so mean to me. I feel horrible. *I try to think the best of him, but I see he is split, confused and open to the influence of someone selfish.





Julieee85 said:


> She got married in October/2021 and didn't invite my husband to her wedding, even though he keeps saying she is his best friend. *Who doesn't invite a close friend to her wedding? *She didn't invite anyone from our city anyway, but the wedding was in a city close to ours. She almost got married in secret. *My husband and I got married in February (4 months later). Her baby is from about that time*. *My husband and hers are from different ethnicities, so it would be easy to see who the father is.*
> 
> ......... I am repeating so many mistakes. What did I expect? I guess at least I had hope. I was just too needy to wait more or accept what God wanted for me. Anyway, His will shall prevail.
> I will try to be more inclusive of them as soon as possible (*if I don't go for an annulment in the next weeks)*, but right now it is just too messy. *I commented with her husband about the stroller and I believe it touched him somehow. He is aware of her behavior, but just wanted to have a child and a family, as his mother put it once.* Thank you for your advice.


I am sorry for what you are feeling. I would suggest that you really need to sit down with you H and tell him exactly how you feel. Ask him if he married you because he wants to make a lifetime commitment to you and the institution of marriage or not? Ask him if he will prioritize you over this other woman? Ask him if he thinks that there is any chance this other woman's child is his? 

Let him know that you feel his relationship with this other woman is damaging both his marriage to you and her marriage to her husband. Tell him that you have boundaries and that you expect him to respect those boundaries.

Good luck


----------



## BigDaddyNY

You are not your husband's first priority, his bestie is. He has told you exactly that, so why would you stay married to him? Please DO NOT get pregnant. Live and learn. It turns out you made a bad choice marrying him. We can all argue about whether or not married people should have friends of the opposite sex and boundaries around that, but this is a clear cut case. She is his girlfriend and he values her more than you. So again, why would you stay married to someone that loves another woman more than you?


----------



## Openminded

He’s not interested in changing so you’ll need to move on (the sooner the better).


----------



## Teacherwifemom

I’m sorry you find yourself here. You are newlyweds.This should be such a happy time. You know this is very, very wrong. Furthermore, no one should have a friend, male or female, that isn’t a positive influence on the marriage. He has repeatedly told you and shown you that he chooses her over you. This is NOT how it’s supposed to be. You should 100% be his first priority. You deserve that. That should never even be a question. It’s also extremely abnormal for a man not to be having a lot of sex with his new bride. I think there’s a LOT more going on here than you want to believe. The time has come for an ultimatum, but prepare yourself for the answer, because he’s already told you what it will be  You can’t live like this. And definitely don’t try to get pregnant.


----------



## frusdil

Julieee85 said:


> I will try to be more inclusive of them as soon as possible


No no no. Cut bait and run honey. You are newlyweds, you should be all over each other, spending all your time together. This should be the best time of your marriage.

You could demand he cut contact with her but the fact that you even have to should tell you all you need to know. If it wasn't her it'd be someone else. You're only 8 months in, get an annulment and start again.

I would never share my husband and I won't degrade myself by doing the "pick me" dance. No way.


----------



## TexasMom1216

frusdil said:


> I would never share my husband and *I won't degrade myself by doing the "pick me" dance.* No way.


Quoted because there is too much truth for this to only be posted once.

Besides, no decent man gets a rush from making his wife feel insecure. If you’re gripped with dread that he will leave you, leave him.


----------



## elliblue

I didn't menage to finish your post yet. I will later. It is to long and it reads like a thriller. I want to look away, but I keep looking at it.

Dear, oh dear.
This is a joke. Your husband is a weak and submissive susage. Same as the husband of his dominatrix your husband calls best friend.

Get yourself a real man. He made clear he wants her several times. They seem to have a twisted relationship that is based on humilation. 

Just get out there. It is some mental game they are playing with each other and you are just a tool to them in their twisted game. They are obviously to immature to form healthy bonds and relationships with other people.

Baby might be his. Another way for her to humiliate her husband. 

It could be really the case that they are both doing BDSM behind your back and that he is her slave. That could explain why they are not in a relationship as it is part of there game. It might be that he is her slave and she tis his master and tells him what to do. For example to be with an other woman, which enables her to dominate him while he is in a relationship.

OK that scenario is a little bit far fetched, but I think the psychology behind what is going on might be similar. She is some twisted sadist that is playing games with men. Also the red lipstick and tight clothes. She likes to dominate and see how much power she has over (weak) men.

But I woildn't be surprised. What you are telling sounds very much like they are actually and secretly a BDSM couple...

He clearly is devote to her and seems to be a masochistic type of person.


----------



## elliblue

Julieee85 said:


> Today I feel trapped in my own choice. I couldn't see that maybe he accepted my terms of (almost) not having sex before marriage because maybe he didn't really care so much about sex with me in the first place. He is not religious


He was happy you didn't want to have sex with him. I think he has a rather twisted sexuality. 
He might need humiliation and maybe also rejection in order to get aroused.
Believe me, there are some really weird people out there.

I am alsp not sure he is the babys father. It might be that she is not allowing him to have actual sex with her. She might not be into him just enjpying playing and humiliating him.
You see yourself that she is insulting you all the time. It is her personality obviously.

So she is teasing him, makes him hot and drops him like a hot potato. He then comes home and uses you to release the sexual pressure. 



Julieee85 said:


> When we were still dating, he would say he loved how naïve and well-meaning I was, never seeing the evil in others.


That is concerning. It could be a sign that he knows that things with him aren't as innocent as you might believe. He gave you a hint and enjoys you don't see it as he thinks you are naive.

Your husband might have a sinister personality you seem not aware about. He might hide something about his personality from you. 

Maybe everything is more harmless and I read too much into it, but your husband creeps me out a bit just from reading. 
He sounds from your description like a very deep water.

Does he also has a disturbed relationship with his mother? Most likely the answer is yes or he didn't grew up with his mother. 
That would be an interessting question as it gives some clues about his mindset, mental health and sexual developement. 

But it is not important. It is what it is. 

If I was you I would leave him. You got yourself into a bad situation. Him also displaying aggressive behaviour towards you because of her is also a no go. He has obviously serious mental health issues if he freaks out and verbally attacks his partner because of her. To me this is beyond normal relationship problems.

Get out of there. The more I think about it my gut tells me this man is not safe to be around to be honest. 
He might be dangerous if he feels you are crossing his way with her. You don't want to end up appearing on television as missing person.


----------



## Luckylucky

How did he propose? What was the dating period like? Who wanted the marriage more? 

I felt so sad reading this, I will come back later to say more.


----------



## AVR1962

They are too close and this should not be the case. I do not think your husband will listen to you if you suggest cutting ties but that is what needs to happen here. My suggestion is marriage counseling and hopefully your husband will listen to a professional. Otherwise, I think your marriage is not going to survive.


----------



## Tiddytok5

Your husband is an enabler and allows these things.

Your husband should be speaking to her about her inappropriate behavior and should inform her of consequences if not stopped.

They have an inappropriate relationship.



It sounds like they're in love/ have strong feelings for one another and both regret their marriages, and spouses.



Sounds like she settled for her husband,

And your husband possibly settled for you.



This also may be your husband's child that she is carrying.

DNA is just a roll of the dice. The baby doesn't have to look like either one them.


You probably shouldn't have ignored the red flags and married him.


If you stay, things will only get worse.


He isn't going to choose you over her..

He hasn't yet.

If it came down to it, he'll lie and say that he will end things, but he won't.


Do not conceive a human life with him.


There's too much dysfunction and toxicity.

Also, stop allowing him access to you...access to any physical affection. He's done nothing to deserve it.


I highly advise you to leave. Beat him to the punch and do it first... because he may leave you.


It unfortunately seems that you were(are) a placeholder for her spot.


Your entire relationship with him seems as if it were fraudulent and only constructed to be a part of their "twisted" games.


The both of them are into humiliation and degradation. Also, pressing one another's buttons. 

It's their "kick" and it turns them on. 


They're for the thrill of the chase. 


The not being invited to the wedding, was one of their games. 

They're into Deprivation as well.

Also, she didn't want him there because he probably would have objected to the marriage and cause a scene.




You ignored the red flags while dating stayed and married him anyways.


Please leave him, and learn how to love and think highly of yourself...

Perhaps therapy would be beneficial.



I'm sorry.


----------



## Julieee85

Luckylucky said:


> How did he propose? What was the dating period like? Who wanted the marriage more?
> 
> I felt so sad reading this, I will come back later to say more.


He proposed in a restaurant he knew I liked and that came to be the venue of our wedding reception after church.
I must admit I wanted the marriage more. I am a Christian and he is a non-religious person, so he said he did all we needed to get married because he knew that was important to me.
The dating period: we both worked a lot in the year we met so we would hang out on weekends, mostly. A few months after we met our relationship became long distance because he went abroad and we were in quarantine. I knew he had that travel scheduled when we started dating. During the whole period away we talked about marriage and he proposed a few months after he was back. I believe the social isolation had an impact on our lives and maybe impaired me from accepting things I didn't want to see back then. I believe I woke up from a trance. One month after my thread here I had my first business trip after quarantine and it gave me a new insight into things that happened even on the wedding day.


----------



## Julieee85

To keep you posted:
I am on birth control for the next months, but challenging my dogmas around that. After my thread here I went to the religious court to consult about annulment, because my religious life is dear to me and I am in therapy. My therapist strongly advises me not to have a child now. I am usually a stable person, but I have been feeling out of myself and I even believe in spirituality behind it. Some say the spirit is the first to notice betrayal. Then the body. My body faced some ailments the past month and even went to hospital after what seemed a simple food poisoning (but was more than that - now healed).
The OW is due to have the baby in December and I saw her a few times and I always think I can handle that but afterwards I overreact with the man I am with and I don't want to call a husband. 
I feel defrauded. I am in prayer.
I spent a week away because I voluntarily picked a business trip and that really saved my sanity.
I will start dancing classes.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Julieee85 said:


> To keep you posted:
> I am on birth control for the next months, but challenging my dogmas around that. After my thread here I went to the religious court to consult about annulment, because my religious life is dear to me and I am in therapy. My therapist strongly advises me not to have a child now. I am usually a stable person, but I have been feeling out of myself and I even believe in spirituality behind it. Some say the spirit is the first to notice betrayal. Then the body. My body faced some ailments the past month and even went to hospital after what seemed a simple food poisoning (but was more than that - now healed).
> The OW is due to have the baby in December and I saw her a few times and I always think I can handle that but afterwards I overreact with the man I am with and I don't want to call a husband.
> I feel defrauded. I am in prayer.
> I spent a week away because I voluntarily picked a business trip and that really saved my sanity.
> I will start dancing classes.


Glad to hear you are coming to your senses and very smart move to stay on birth control. Don't make a bad situation 100x worse by bringing a baby in the mix. This is not a man you want to be the father of your children.


----------



## Julieee85

BigDaddyNY said:


> Glad to hear you are coming to your senses and very smart move to stay on birth control. Don't make a bad situation 100x worse by bringing a baby in the mix. This is not a man you want to be the father of your children.


Thank you, BigDaddyNY 
I edited my original thread in a tone full of self-deception and denial I usually see in people who don't admit what everyone else sees. Those people (I used to be one in a previous relationship) are usually the ones who come around five years later regretting how they didn't take action when all the evidences were pilling up. I am in prayer now. How to wise up now?
Isn't it impressive how betrayed people are the last ones to notice what is going on even if It happens under our noses?
My original thread can be read in early comments for those who might bother to read.


----------

