# How long to “know” a new guy after divorce



## Nandos (Apr 4, 2009)

I knew this guy (or so I thought) guy for a total of 5 years. Cohabited for 3 years after knowing each other for almost 2 years then officially got married for several months. What made me divorce him was when I found out (came across wedding photos stashed in a place you would never guess…lol) that he is “married”, in addition to many other trust issues here and there. He said he did that for immigration purposes to remain in the country and it wasn’t a “real” marriage and he didn’t feel like I needed to know about it. We are both foreigners (am legal) and I understand how tough immigration issues can get if you don’t follow the right channels and I was willing to sponsor him legally because we were TRULLY married. Whenever I brought up the topic, he would avoid it at all costs, now I know why. I just wonder how many more secrets are out there. Anyways, that is history. I wasn’t expecting to meet a new guy anytime soon but it has happened. I know that am completely over my ex H and ready to move on and my question is, how long is the right time to REALLY know someone before you get into a relationship with him/her. This new guy has openly declared his intensions to court me and I really like him but I feel like I would be jumping into this too fast but then when I look at the long time I took to “get to know” my ex H, the outcome wasn’t as good. Where is the balance?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Tough question, in some ways. Time is not the only element, obviously. Have you done some counseling to figure out what other signals you missed in 5 years with your ex? It's rare that an open and honest person would have such a big secret--did your ex give you signs of untrustworthiness that you overlooked for some reason? Focus on you and your ability to assess others honestly. It is not a skill we all have. I'm not particularly good at reading other people, but I am aware of it and have worked to improve on my deficient natural ability. Time allows you to see that other person in various situations, but if you don't "read" his responses to those situations accurately, you will make the same mistakes. 

Good luck; I'm empathetic!


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

There's not a hard and fast rule to how long you should know someone before getting into a relationship with them. I've been in a relationship where I knew him for years before that, and it didn't work. And I knew my boyfriend for just a few short weeks before we got together, and we have a great relationship. 

I would be cautious just because of how badly things went in your other relationship. I agree that there had to be some other signs that you missed, either deliberately or because you were naive or something. 

Take your time and just enjoy getting to know him.


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## Nandos (Apr 4, 2009)

Thanks Sisters and Atruckersgirl. I have been thinking about it a lot and I think the main problem with my ex was that he just wouldn’t open up. I am to blame too because I didn’t know how to convince him to open up. I found out about most of the things, rather, secrets because I dug for it myself. I was just too suspicious but am glad that is behind me now. If you know any red flags to look out for on a first date with a guy, please also et me know, mine is in a few days and I haven’t been on one quite a while!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Real manipulators will rush the relationship--they want you in a situation where you are "in love," and DEPENDENT in some way, so they can have control. Any guy who rushes you in any way is a total red flag. 

Real manipulators will also hide their true colors until they have control, but can rarely hold out for long (hence, the rushing). If you are together 24/7 w/in a few days or weeks, be careful. You may be co-dependent or with someone who will turn out to be a control freak. 

Time, fun, patience, and maintaining a full and healthy life outside the relationship will give you perspective. Trust the judgment of friends who really seem to have always had your best interest at heart. Honestly, if your dog and best friend (as long as she's an emotionally healthy person) don't like a guy, be very wary. "Outsiders" see things we may not see when wearing love-or infatuation's--blinders. 

This goes just as well for men, too, since women can be controlling and/or co-dependent and/or otherwise, bad news!


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