# Last night talk was a fail.



## stairwaytoheaven (Dec 15, 2013)

Hello all,

I have been coming on here and reading other stories from time to time and I thought it's about time that I ask for help. For over a year now my husband and I have been married. He has been the only person I have been with sexually. And although he has been with 4 other women besides myself.. I feel as if I am more experienced than he is.. that or he is just SELFISH. Last night, I finally broke down and tried to talk to him. Everytime when we have sex, there is no foreplay for me. He gets instantly hard from me just kissing him and expects me to be horny the same way. He doesn't finger me. There is no oral for me. He refuses to give me oral. And although he's fingered me maybe 20 times? If.. in our entire relationship he told me last night that he doesn't like to do that because it's 'awkward' for him. I never orgasm. He always gets off. He gets off and showers, and I just lay there and cry.. I know, it sounds really stupid. I talked to him about it last night and he tried to turn it around on me saying things like:
"I'm sorry my finger is the only way you can get off."
"I'm sorry me kissing you doesn't turn you on."
"How do you think it makes me feel that me kissing you doesn't turn you on."
"I'm sorry that you take forever to get off."

I'm not really sure where to go from here.. we've never been the type of couple who has sex every day.. maybe 9-15 times a month? It sounds selfish of me but I don't want to deal with this for the rest of my life and it's only became worse since we got married. Does anyone have any advice that they can give to me? Tips,tricks? Not sure where to go from here..


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Sounds very selfish or it could just be ignorance. As far as I can tell this is fairly common for both men and women. 

I think that you should try to frame the discussion in a positive way as much as possible. Some people become defensive very quickly. Go slow, maybe make a deal that he will get his orgasm after you get yours or he will just have to do without. 

Could be that a different position might help. Oral sex takes a lot of time to get the mouth muscles in shape so it might take a couple of months before he could comfortably do it for longer times. 

I have some carpel tunnel issues so my wrist position is critical for me when touching my wife.


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## 12345Person (Dec 8, 2013)

Bring him on this forum. That's the best way to help your type of situation.

DO IT!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

stairwaytoheaven said:


> Hello all,
> 
> I have been coming on here and reading other stories from time to time and I thought it's about time that I ask for help. For over a year now my husband and I have been married. He has been the only person I have been with sexually. And although he has been with 4 other women besides myself.. I feel as if I am more experienced than he is.. that or he is just SELFISH. Last night, I finally broke down and tried to talk to him. Everytime when we have sex, there is no foreplay for me. He gets instantly hard from me just kissing him and expects me to be horny the same way. He doesn't finger me. There is no oral for me. He refuses to give me oral. And although he's fingered me maybe 20 times? If.. in our entire relationship he told me last night that he doesn't like to do that because it's 'awkward' for him. I never orgasm. He always gets off. He gets off and showers, and I just lay there and cry.. I know, it sounds really stupid. I talked to him about it last night and he tried to turn it around on me saying things like:
> "I'm sorry my finger is the only way you can get off."
> ...



Take the 5 love languages quiz together and compare. You'll know what each others true needs are and post them, say, on the fridge, were you'll see the results each and every day.

Tell your hubby, you needs orgams too and you can't just get in the mood like turning on a light switch, like he can. Tell him, you need oral sex and get him to buy some vibrators for you, to use on you at the same time. Always do this first, take care of you and then you can blow his mind afterwards.

He needs to realize that women love sex too and its not a 5 minute bam, done and with no foreplay situation.


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## stairwaytoheaven (Dec 15, 2013)

Thank you all for your quick replies. 

As for USMARRIEDGUY who said, "Could be that a different position might help. Oral sex takes a lot of time to get the mouth muscles in shape so it might take a couple of months before he could comfortably do it for longer times. "

He refuses to do oral. REFUSES. 

As for the 5 language love quiz - is this the right website:

Home | The 5 Love Languages®


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The ignorance-O-meter just pegged. Ignorance and fear of wounding his pride when you call him up on it.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

He needs to grow up. Good loving is a two way street. He should be curious and committed to satisfying you. He also sounds lazy.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Good lord you married a child?

Selfish, boorish, stupid, inconsiderate, ignorant.....argh!

Buy a book such as one below....

Amazon.com: She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman eBook: Ian Kerner: Kindle Store

Amazon.com: How to Make Love to a Woman: 69 Orgasmic Ways to Have Mind-Blowing Sex eBook: Xaviera Hollander: Kindle Store

Amazon.com: Women's Anatomy of Arousal: Secret Maps to Buried Pleasure eBook: Sheri Winston: Kindle Store

Have it delivered...


Then throw it at his head as you lock him out of the bedroom!




How does a man reach marriage without understanding women and men are different? I just don't get it...:scratchhead:


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I just understand men who don't enjoy foreplay. To me getting there is just as much if not more fun than sex itself.


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## Devotee (Sep 22, 2013)

He needs to be educated about the way your body works. He is making assumptions that your parts work the same way his do. Show him what feels good for you- take his finger in your hand and help him to learn what feels good for you. Make it fun and educational for him at the same time. Hopefully he will find fingering you less awkward in time. Practice makes perfect!


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Devotee said:


> He needs to be educated about the way your body works. He is making assumptions that your parts work the same way his do. Show him what feels good for you- take his finger in your hand and help him to learn what feels good for you. Make it fun and educational for him at the same time. Hopefully he will find fingering you less awkward in time. Practice makes perfect!


It seems like he has no idea what it take to pleasure a woman. No guy in his right mind would would think a woman will get arroused as fast as a man. Early in our marriage I had a milder version of your husbands probelm. but was unaware of it because my wife covered it up by faking orgasms. Eventually she cut me off until I learned to make her come first. I recomend you do the same to your husband assuming he is a typical HD male. I can assure you he will get his **** together in a hurry if you cut him off.


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## Feeling-Lonely (Nov 13, 2013)

Show him how it is done, what feels good for you, I don't think a lot of women can just finish from an intercourse.

If he doesn't want to listen than there are bigger issues, if my H wanted to show me how to do it better I would be all ears.


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## stairwaytoheaven (Dec 15, 2013)

Thank you all for your replies. 

I also told him last night to try to get me off after he is done and he said, "I'm not sticking my finger in you after i've came in you that's f-ing nasty" 

He also tells me things like his ex's never complained about his sex.. 

I don't understand why i'm being compared to these girls when i'm married to him and their bodies functioned different than mine. I do think we will be taking the love quiz, as for the books he will never read them. I just wish he would wake up and smell the roses. I even did things last week to him that we've never done before and he LOVED it so much and I did not get anything in return. It was heart wrenching.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Follow Rays advice. Cut his lazy childish ass off! Yuck, why would you want to have sex with such a selfish baastard anyway?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

My situation is not the exact dame as yours but I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I had a similar talk with my husband in March. Things got better for a little while and then became worse than before the talk.

One thing ive learned through this ****ty situation is that you need to stick up for you because he has shown that he wont. I cant say I'm making any progress win my husband but find myself on a sex strike because I cant personally do it anymore the way I did. 

For a long time I felt like okay sex was better than no sex but I no longer feel that way. I don't need or expect to have an orgasm every time - ironically that is the only part of the sex act that I can replicate by myself. If it were just about an orgasm I would be good because I can have one whenever alone. The emotional intimacy and the foreplay and feeling loved and cherished is no longer negotiable. I just cant do it anymore.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Thound said:


> I just understand men who don't enjoy foreplay. To me getting there is just as much if not more fun than sex itself.


:iagree: Getting each other totally aroused is so incredible. I love foreplay. I read one time that arousal is what drives good sex. The author said that arousal is the spark because it is based on pleasure instead of performance. I totally believe this! 

My wife says I am a foreplay connoisseur....one of my greatest talents. :smthumbup:


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I Notice The Details said:


> :iagree: Getting each other totally aroused is so incredible. I love foreplay. I read one time that arousal is what drives good sex. The author said that arousal is the spark because it is based on pleasure instead of performance. I totally believe this!
> 
> My wife says I am a foreplay connoisseur....one of my greatest talents. :smthumbup:


You need to take Mr. OP under your wing and teach the lad a thing or ten!


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Too bad I can't put that on my resume if I ever need a new job...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I'd hire you!


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> I'd hire you!


:smthumbup:


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## WayUpNorth (Dec 14, 2013)

stairwaytoheaven said:


> Thank you all for your replies.
> 
> I also told him last night to try to get me off after he is done and he said, "I'm not sticking my finger in you after i've came in you that's f-ing nasty"
> 
> ...


Their bodies don't function any different than yours. He needs to learn how to turn you on, where your magic button is, and make you see the fireworks before he gets to poke the little guy in.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

This thread is exactly what comes to mind when someone calls a woman a cougar. Why the hell would any woman want to relive those awful early years of really bad sex?

Hell to the no baby. You want a man who knows his way around a woman's body, mind and heart!


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

I say again. Cut his ass off. He is selfish and cares nothing about what you need. 

If he won't finger you after he finishes. Tell him to do it before he enters you. When my wife put her foot down early in our marriage and demanded an orgasm, I would bring her to itgasm through oral or fingering before we started PIV intercourse. 

He wants into your *****, make him do it on your terms.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How was your sex life before you got married? How old are you two?

The odds of things changing are pretty slim right now unless you start forcing them to change. Like, no orgasm for him until you get one. Or bring a small bullet vibrator into bed with you and use it while you're having sex with him. My SO does that, with my FULL approval and encouragement, btw. 

Basically, you need to start taking ownership of your own orgasms, because baby, he isn't going to worry about them for you. He's a selfish, immature, possibly insecure sexual partner. So long as he gets his orgasm, who cares about his partner? Which is why you need to start taking a page from his play book and start thinking about making your own orgasm happen. 

C


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Hmmm, sounds like he is unreasonably squeamish about reproductive parts and fluids and does not understand what normal sex is. 

Personally I think you should go on strike and not allow him to act like a child. 

If this is something you really need (to be fingered after intercourse) and he has some sort of deep phobia about touching his ejaculate than tell him to use a condom.


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

Honestly he sounds more selfish than inexperienced. if he was just inexperienced and you told him he needed to change something he was doing he would probably be embarrassed but in the end would try it, see the result and be thankful about it. but it seems like when you bring up the topic he just rejects you with a comment like "thats your problem not mine" he is not capable of making the connection that you being satisfied will make him satisfied.


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## stairwaytoheaven (Dec 15, 2013)

I've tried doing the whole not having sex, not giving him what he wants. Held off for 4 months and still nothing changed. And I know somebody asked what was the sex like before we got married. It was the same. He fingered me the most before I lost my virginity to him long ago then it stopped clearly when I had sex with him. Now he doesn't finger me before OR after sex. I can understand more after. We don't like to use condoms and he does go inside of me. So, I can understand. I guess. But our 'juices' grosses him out. He will freak out if I touch him if I have any "juice" on my hand. As for toys. He made me throw out a vibrator and I bought another.. and he used it on me.. ONE TIME.. and he got angry because it was giving me more pleasure than he was. He's very very very selfish. And somebody also asked me how old we are, i'm afraid to say because I don't want to be judged because most people on here are older but we are in our mid twenties. I just thought he would bring experience to the table being as he has slept with 4 other women and he's the only one i've been with. I feel as if I have more experience and more maturity than he ever will. Thank you all for your replies.


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## 12345Person (Dec 8, 2013)

You know, it REALLY would be best to bring him here and give his side of the story.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Well you can either stay and be miserable long term, probably have a child and bring them into that misery and end up divorcing him in the end and haveing to deal with him for years to come due to the child, or just cut your losses and leave now. 

I am almost never an advocate of divorce, but its already so bad and you have very little time invested and little to loose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stairwaytoheaven (Dec 15, 2013)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> I am almost never an advocate of divorce, but its already so bad and you have very little time invested and little to loose.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I do not agree with you at all. I have invested a LOT of time, effort, emotion into my relationship and marriage with him so I would consider losing my husband a lot to lose. Not trying to be mean but you can't tell someone they have little to lose when you are telling them to divorce somebody solely based on their sex life. Sure, our sex life isn't great but marriage is about so much more than that. I came here to get advice about what to do, I didn't say anything about wanting to divorce him. :scratchhead:


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## 12345Person (Dec 8, 2013)

stairwaytoheaven said:


> I do not agree with you at all. I have invested a LOT of time, effort, emotion into my relationship and marriage with him so I would consider losing my husband a lot to lose. Not trying to be mean but you can't tell someone they have little to lose when you are telling them to divorce somebody solely based on their sex life. Sure, our sex life isn't great but marriage is about so much more than that. I came here to get advice about what to do, I didn't say anything about wanting to divorce him. :scratchhead:


You're young. Over time you'll resent your husband and even despise him.

You might not think it now, but the constant rejection and humiliation will take it's toll.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

OP, I'm so sorry and I know you don't want to hear this stuff.

Your H does not care about your happiness or your pleasure during sex. That is NOT normal, especially for a guy in his 20's! 

I thought you were going to say you were 50 or something, and he was one of those relics who never learned that women are supposed to enjoy sex too. (I am NOT saying that is usual for men over 50 either!)

So, maybe he has some sort of body fluid issue. That still doesn't explain why he was a total JERK and pushed the blame off on you, "I'm sorry it takes you forever to get off". Guess what, I bet it wouldn't 'take you forever' with a guy who gave a damn. He may be passive aggressive, or a narcissist.

Imo, this issue is unlikely to get better. Yes, it's easy for us to tell you to consider moving on. But that is why. Life goes by fast. Don't waste it.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

So, you had no sex for 4 months and nothing changed. Did he ask what the deal was during those 4 months?

He does not touch your 'private areas' at all before intercourse?

What exactly does he say when he refuses to give oral?


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## stairwaytoheaven (Dec 15, 2013)

Pink_Lady - He does not touch my private areas at all before intercourse. And he refuses to give me oral because of a 'bad experience' he had with an ex-girlfriend of his. I am very clean. I keep bald, so it's not like he would be going down to the amazon or something. He also didn't say anything about the 4 months because he was working a lot of 12-16 hour midnight shifts and sleeping half the day away. 

Anon - The constant rejection and humiliation is already taking it's toll but I still wouldn't divorce him over it, because other than our sex life our marriage is great. 

He spoils me in every other way minus sex. We just bought our first house together and he bought me a SUV for my birthday. He always takes me out, buys me roses and showers me with gifts.. but when it comes to sex it's like he's a whole different person. I think he's also REALLY insecure about his penis size because it is on the smaller size but that doesn't matter to me. I realize that we are both really young, but I do not believe in divorce at all. We both come from broken homes. And I don't want to be put in that situation at all.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Many of us are twice your age and have been dealing with these issues for decades.

Hopefully your husband will choose to change. Sadly there is not much you can do to bring this change about. You have already tried to appeal to his sense of fairness and love. No response. You have tried cutting him off. No response. If you are serious about not leaving him regardless of this issue you are rather out of cards at this point. 

Sorry to sound so pessimistic. I just had my hundredth "conversation" on this subject with my husband of 18 years tonight. Things will get better for a time and then will slip again. I can deal or I can leave - those are the facts.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I think you will either need to get tougher or just except it. 

When you withheld sex for four months he did know why sex was being withheld and what he needed to do? -That is one unusually stubborn guy. A twenty five year old male that will go four months without sex just because he does not want to give his wife foreplay has some real serious mental problems. He probably needs to see a psychiatrist.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Stand up for yourself, you are worth it. He sounds selfish and unloving. Ok so the rest of your marriage is good but is it really? He buys you gifts but be has no passion or desire to give you what you really want, so the reality is that he just doesn't care about your needs. 
Take from me, I lived in a sexless marriage for too long for the kids sake. Give him a firm time frame to fix this or move on. I hope you don't have kids with him, if not please do not even think about it for now. 

Don't waste your life on someone that doesn't consider you are as important as him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

stairwaytoheaven said:


> "I'm sorry my finger is the only way you can get off."
> "I'm sorry me kissing you doesn't turn you on."
> "How do you think it makes me feel that me kissing you doesn't turn you on."


The proper response to each one of these is: "I never said that". If he persists, then stop responding to him or leave the room because you shouldn't be wasting time defending yourself from statements you never said. 



> _"I'm sorry that you take forever to get off."_


The proper response is: "Don't apologize! Sex is about the journey, not just the destination. The longer it takes, the better."



stairwaytoheaven said:


> I didn't say anything about wanting to divorce him. :scratchhead:


Sex is important in marriage, no matter how well your husband treats you otherwise. If it wasn't important, then people would often just marry their brothers, sisters, parents, etc. 

Sometimes the threat of separation or divorce is the only incentive for someone to change, such as agreeing to go to a therapist. I recommend you both see a sex therapist or a marriage counselor that is good with sex issues.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

stairwaytoheaven said:


> I do not agree with you at all. I have invested a LOT of time, effort, emotion into my relationship and marriage with him so I would consider losing my husband a lot to lose. Not trying to be mean but you can't tell someone they have little to lose when you are telling them to divorce somebody solely based on their sex life. Sure, our sex life isn't great but marriage is about so much more than that. I came here to get advice about what to do, I didn't say anything about wanting to divorce him. :scratchhead:


The responses your getting are simply our opinions. But many of these opinions have a lot of experience with bad relationships behind them and thus have learned a lot about human behavior. When you cut your husband off for several months and there was no real response, that is bad. Not only does he not care about your needs but he evidently does not need the close connection most men get from sex with our wives. Being someone who works 70 hours a week. I can tell you that no amount of work or lack of sleep will keep me out of my wife's panties. 

In your response you seem to say that your unfulfilling sex life is not a big deal. But if it wasnt a big deal you would not be agonizing about it, crying over it, and wondering what you did to deserve such treatment. And you wouldn't be here talking to us about it either. It is important. He is hurting you in the worst possible way by refusing to even consitter your needs in the bedroom where we are most vulnerable to our spouses. My guess is that over the years this treatment will spread to other parts of your relationship and you will have to decided when you've had enough. 

If you have read many posts here, you will find there are a lot of members here with basically good marriages that get no sex or real intimacy, that are getting or have gotten divorced. Maybe where're all superficial, maybe not. But to me your sex life is very close to the center of your marriage and is super important. But maybe that's just me and what I want. 

I wish you luck and hope you don't have kids until you work this out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Leaving aside the rights and wrongs of his attitude, it seems to me that you are going to have to get into the driving seat if you want your sex life to improve.

He is grossed out by juices? How about you get a load of lube. Give him a hand job, using a lot of lube. Have him rub you, using a lot of lube. My idea being that you use a lot of lube, often, until he gets to like the wet sensations and can't really distinguish between juices and lube.

If he won't do oral would he at least suck your breasts or your fingers, or lick down your back or do something to increase your arousal? Maybe smother yourself in cream and have him lick it off?

If he is insecure about his penis size, maybe asking him to finger you is not helpful. If the vibrator you have is on the large side this could contribute to his worries. I assume you can orgasm without internal stimulation? If so, have him rub your clit and get you off that way before he is allowed to enter you.

Or you get on top and control the action. Suggest a bit of bondage for fun if you think you can get away with that and just rub yourself on his body until you get off before he gets to.

You say that you are doing new things for him and that he enjoys them - maybe he might respond to you being a bit more dominant and demanding what you want? If you are leading the action you are not directly criticising him, whereas he may have felt you were doing so when you had your talk, however gently you put it.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

stairwaytoheaven said:


> Pink_Lady - He does not touch my private areas at all before intercourse.
> 
> I think he's also REALLY insecure about his penis size because it is on the smaller size but that doesn't matter to me. I realize that we are both really young, but I do not believe in divorce at all. We both come from broken homes. And I don't want to be put in that situation at all.


If he's worried about a small penis one would think he would be MORE likely to try harder and do more to please you, not do less.

Not touching your body at all before sex does not seem normal to me. 

It sounds like he may have some type of block- past sexual abuse possibly? 

I guess if I were in your situation I would tell him sex therapy/IC and or MC is mandatory and non-negotiable at this point if he wants to stay married. Otherwise things will just continue as they have been into infinity, and you will live the best years of your life never knowing what passionate sex is like.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

How is his porn use/history of porn? I think a lot of younger guys who have watched a lot of porn learn how to be bad in bed. They get used to seeing women that are ready and wanting it, with little to no or even poor foreplay (jackhammering women's clits with the force one'd use to scrub crayon off the walls with a magic eraser) for instance. 

For WS, I think this was a serious issue. He was used to seeing men separate women's labia like they were opening drapes for the school play and did the same thing to me (fvcking ouch!). I put up with it for the first month we slept together before I just about jumped out of the bed after having had enough of it. His ego was bruised for a while but no much more than my vagina lol.

Later on in our relationship when we were through with the Honeymoon stage, so was the foreplay apparently. Like you, he had little to know understanding of why it was important to me and got defensive. He even twisted my words around to mean that I wasn't aroused by him/find him attractive which is clearly not what I said. 

You need to find a way to make your husband understand that this is important to you. He sounds very insecure as was my WS. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable for BOTH parties. If you don't keep bringing it up, it won't change. I made the mistake about just giving up about talking about it and just buying more lube. I shouldn't of done it. Don't you dare do it either. Now I am very vocal. I don't care. I try not to bruise any egos but I'm not willing to meet someone's needs if they don't care about mine and if it hurts or isn't working, I speak up. If they don't listen, I actually get up. 

My only other suggestion besides keep bringing it up and follow through with no sex if he doesn't comply is how you tell him. Instead of saying what's wrong, tell him what he could do right. Maybe that'll cut back on his defensiveness. Also, show him in the bedroom how you like to be touched and how you would finger yourself.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Agree with Miss Taken, guys raised on porn will have no idea how women's bodies work (not saying this is always the case of course, but clearly an issue). It's very unfortunate. This could certainly be part of the problem.

The younger generation of women has their work cut out for them, teaching these guys female anatomy and response from scratch.

But to me it doesn't explain the body fluid freak-out and the fact that the guy won't even touch his wife's body. 

Some dudes are just clueless and selfish though, like the guy I was dating. He didn't seem to realize women are supposed to get something out of sex as well as men. 

He is 45 years old, WAY old enough to know better. Makes a ton of money, cool job, smart, cute, available. Not that many of those around at my age, believe me. But live the rest of my life with no oral and boring wham, bam fall asleep man sex? Nope. Next.


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## LoveLonely (Dec 8, 2013)

I am a male. It is so frustrating to read this. He just isn't getting it. The idea that a far greater sex life than he could ever imagine in his near future just isn't registering with him. My hunch is that there is a great deal of immaturity there and he is feeling terribly threatened. Oh I hate this. His sex life could be so much better than he ever imagined if he would just experience this much needed growth. Get him on here. I PROMISE I will be kind. Heck, I am actually ROOTING for him.

I am rooting for you too of course. It is like he wants this one cookie and is oblivious to the enormous dessert trey with an endless supply of goodies.

If there were only some way to turn this around.


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