# Not equal anymore, and Waiting for a payday.....



## dave2 (Jun 17, 2014)

I am 40yo male with a great career. Been married 12+ years. Marriage is on the rocks as i have gotten more successful. She cheated 5 years ago on a ONS, we got MC and have come to live with it. We have 1 kid (3 year old). Wife is stay at home mom but we have our son in day care a couple times a month. As my income rose, my wife's drive to get stuff done around the house has shrunk, to the point I do most of the cooking and hired out the cleaning. In the last couple of years my income has gone thru the roof. talking 500k+ a year. We live in a smaller town in IL so making 500K is a lot of money. I am work on a huge deal right now and hope to close it in a year. It could make it so i could retire at 45.

The deal we had between us was:
1. We both would work 100% on raising our son
2. I would work full time and produce 100% of the money.
3. She would manage the home (Laundry, Shopping, Cleaning, etc) -Which BTW last year we got a cleaning company so she would have more time with our son.
4. I would handle all the other stuff - car breaks down, taxes, legal, banking, bills

Now to the meat of the story:
I had 2 neighbors approach me in the last 2 weeks with off comments. One was something to the effect of "your wife is lucky, she sits on the deck in the sun all day reading books/talking on phone while your slaving away" - When i asked her what she did that day she said the kid was a handful all day, didn't get any house work done, etc, etc. Come to find out our son was over at a friends house that day on a play date. She has been doing this 5-10 times a month. The other days he is in day care for socialization reasons. We want him exposed to other kids. Nothing gets done around the house and i am constantly fighting about simple things like shopping, laundry, etc etc.

Second one was from a mutual friend. They told me that my wife was drunk a couple weeks back with his wife and girl friends and said that she was waiting for me to win my big deal so then she can divorce me and get half and be set for life. Was this drunk talk or what should i do.

I want to have a good marriage, i have never cheated but have had plenty of opportunity, i take care of my son, i work hard, i am building a great future for my family, but i feel like i am dragging a cinderblock around all the time in the form of my wife.

we don't have sex, we don't talk, its almost like we live 2 different worlds. She doesn't take care of herself, she has gain an unhealthy weight, she loafs around most days, PJs till mid-afternoon, you get the picture. She is a great mom when she puts effort into it. I buy her flowers, take her on trips, dinner, treat her like a queen and I get zero in return.

sorry for the dump, i had no where else to go. 

I am getting burnt out and not sure what to do.

Long time reader, first time poster


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So why exactly do you want to stay married regardless of an upcoming deal?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dave2 (Jun 17, 2014)

PBear said:


> So why exactly do you want to stay married regardless of an upcoming deal?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am hoping we would one day go back to how we were when we first got married, or even back a couple years ago before the money started coming in. We would go on dates, get a hotel room for the weekend, dinners out with other couples and friends. travel, etc

She did her part and I did mine. Today she acts like she won the lottery and can be retired from responsibility. 

One friend said your wife acts like a spoiled brat sometimes and that is why we don't want to hang out with you guys any more.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You already know the answer to your question. If she was your partner, she'd be sawing her end of the log. If she were your lover, you wouldn't be in a sexless marriage. Now, she's obviously not committed to you and about the only other way she could demonstrate that would be have "uncommitted" tattooed on her forehead. She's uncommitted to you but she is still there. Obviously, she is getting something out of the marriage (luxury of exploiting you financially). She could split now and have a pretty decent pay-off but she doesn't. A suspicious mind would conclude that she imagines a larger pay-off down the road. She's untrustworthy. She's proved it with adultery. She's proved it by not holding up her obligations. She's proved it by lying to you about her daily activities. She's proved it by apparently running her mouth about her future intentions.
Fabricating a lie takes some brain power and usually people don't lie unless they can benefit from the lie in some way. She was drunk (unlikely able to formulate a decent lie). She had nothing to gain by telling her friends she intended to ditch you and take your bread. Doing so would certainly be consistent with the behavior she has shown you thus far. Was this drunk talk? If she was drunk, then yep it was drunk talk. The real question is "were her words a truthful reflection of her intent?" The answer is in her actions. She's shown you zero reason to believe she's interested in being a wife. You said she could be a good mother when she put her mind to it. You didn't say she could be a good wife, so she apparently never puts her mind to it. You confirmed that by saying you get zero from her. Do you think she's still married because she digs you? If you were penniless, would she stay with you? Get a job and support you? If you were disabled and helpless, would she feed you, dress you, bathe you, change your diapers, etc? If you don't believe she would do those things, yet she is there, it's pretty obvious that she's married to your money. Being with you isn't her cup of tea but it beats getting a job, living in a smaller house or apartment, having to worry about paying bills, etc. 
A husband in your position might consider playing to her weakness. She's uncommitted to you, deceptive, and she likes the security that comes with money. I believe I'd use some of my money to hire a convincing actor to portray a very successful guy who is very interested in her. If she takes the bait and believes she sees a better pay-off with him, she'd be inclined to sign whatever property settlement you put in front of her.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

Wow your financial situation is similar to mine. My STBXW is a very low wage earner, while I make a great income.

My STBXW is very loyal, but lazy. She doesn't have drive or motivation to take care of the house, take care of herself, or have a career. However my STBXW is not a gold digger, nor does she waste money or care about money all that much. 

Sounds like your wife is a gold digger, and is out to get your money. Plus she cheated on you? Dude what are you doing with her still? I would have kicked her to the curb the moment she cheated.

Why have you not filed for divorce? I'm going through divorce myself and although it's painful, I believe it's best for the long run.

Best of luck. PM me if you want to talk. We are in the similar boat in a lot of ways.

PS I could actually retire now if I wanted to, but this divorce is going to take a nice chunk of my savings. Having said that, it'll be money well spent and I love working anyway, so I'm not concerned about the loss of the money.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Tell her it looks like the deal may fall through and your income will drop. You'll have to stop the cleaning service and she'll have to take over again. The child won't be able to go to daycare anymore. Etc. See what her reaction is. That will tell you a lot about how she feels about you. I'm thinking, as you are, that it's not good. 

If she's a true partner, telling her the money's probably gone will turn her around and she'll try to support you and the family through the failure. If she's not, get separated quickly before the deal goes through.

She lazes around the house getting fat instead of keeping up her end of the bargain you guys made. She lies to you. She has cheated on you in the past. The marriage is sexless.

What you have there is not a stay at home mom, or a wife and partner, but simply a leech.


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## dave2 (Jun 17, 2014)

long_done said:


> Wow your financial situation is similar to mine. My STBXW is a very low wage earner, while I make a great income.
> 
> My STBXW is very loyal, but lazy. She doesn't have drive or motivation to take care of the house, take care of herself, or have a career. However my STBXW is not a gold digger, nor does she waste money or care about money all that much.
> 
> ...


The crazy thing was I wasn't making anything so when we first got together I really didn't have anything. So it's not like she found me and went BINGO found my sugar daddy. Instead I guess she has become one. Can I ask what was the last straw for you, how did you know it was time.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

dave2 said:


> The crazy thing was I wasn't making anything so when we first got together I really didn't have anything. So it's not like she found me and went BINGO found my sugar daddy. Instead I guess she has become one. Can I ask what was the last straw for you, how did you know it was time.


I've been considering it for years actually. When my youngest finally turned 10 I decided enough was enough. I had sacrificed so much for the kids, and now that they are older I could divorce and feel that the kids would be able to take the divorce much better than before.

I am still fairly young with a lot of potential ahead of me, so I decided I need to do what's best for me at this time.

My STBXW is a nice person, but the wrong person for me...I wish the best for her, and of course for myself.


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

I'm going to make two suggestions before you throw in the towel.

First, your wife's actions appear to be of one of clinical depression (I'm not a psychiatrist btw). The fact that she just can't get herself going...lays around in PJ's, doesn't take care of basic home stuff, no sex, let her weight and physical apearance go. I do not even think it's how she feels about you..I think it's how she views herself as being worthless/useless. I've known a few people like this over the years, and they were in therapy. Is your wife in therapy? What was she like when you were dating?

Next suggestion...Your wife should get a job. No, you do not need the money at all and you have a three year old at home...but maybe she feels she needs to interact with adults and do something else constructive. Is she educated and/or does she have a skill? Perhaps even next year, when the kid is in pre-K.

Next suggestion...if not working...maybe some volunteer work.

I just think she is in a dark place and it's impacting your marriage big time. You have every right to leave but maybe this can be fixed..but these actions should be immediate.


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## kitty2013 (Dec 6, 2013)

I would not listen to the neighbor or the friend. They could be jealous of your wife. I do not like gossiping. The friend should not talk behind your wife back. You know your wife better than them. Open communication and seeking marriage counseling before you decide to divorce her could save you from regretting it later. Your son would appreciate that too.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

If you were a child, would you want to spend your time in daycare and playdates away from home, or with a parent who is home? 

I agree that people may be jealous that your W gets to stay at home...they'd be even more jealous if she spent that time with her son as most don't get to do that!

It sucks that you provide financially and in time she has found a way to exploit it. At the very least, she should spend her time at home with your son.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

dave,
it's obvious you'll need to cut loose from her as soon as possible. The important thing however is to figure out how things got to where they are. Yes she's not living up to her word but unless she's the an anomaly of human nature then there were warning signs and YOU MISSED THEM. Don't do that again.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

see a lawyer. start protecting your assets. 

she might be cheating. hire a private investigator. with the money you earn it would be well worth it.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

Dave2, your wife is depressed and she could care less of your money and all the material things you give her. She is on a self destructing path.

You may feel good to blame her and you may have every right to feel that way. But she needs help. And more money, more flowers is not going to cut it. She needs someone to talk to. Let the deal go by and take her out of this unhealthy situation. More the same will bring more the same results.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Divorce her before the deal goes through.
Of course, a good lawyer will figure out how to get half of it anway.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think you need to get out of this marriage right away, before the big deal. The off the cuff remark she made is definitely what she's thinking. She thinks she won the lottery, she can take your money and live in luxury the rest of her life. She probably thinks she can cheat on you again to. MC and R rarely works in these conditions, what's in it for her? She doesn't have to work, clean the house, take of her son, have sex with you or have any responsibilities. I would take her statements to a very aggresive men's rights divorce lawyer and drag her through the mud. Get those friends of yours to give you a statement that says that she was drunk a couple times. Set up a video camera in the house during the day so maybe you can get one of her statements about getting rid of you on tape. Get a VAR and put it under the seat of her car and one for the house in rooms she is in most of the time. The longer you stay with her means more money she gets from you. Get out now and find yourself someone who appreciates you for you and not just your money. I'm sorta in the same situation but I don't have the money you do but if I did I would get out now.


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