# What's your deal-breaker?



## zaliblue (Apr 26, 2011)

Just wondering what other people see as deal-breakers in a relationship.....For me, it would be cheating and physical and/or mental abuse to my children or myself....What are the things that you would absolutely not put up with under any circumstances?


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## Know_Buddy (Mar 13, 2012)

cheating


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

cheating is the biggest


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Deal Breakers? Infidelity; Illegal Drugs; Drug or Alcohol Abuse; Mental or Physical Abuse; Tattoos/Body Art


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Don't have one, in the right circumstances, I could forgive anything if I thought she was truly sorry and addressed the issue. If someone was difficult and nasty on a regular basis, you would not want to deal with it and if it could not change, then you'd have to call it a day. But it's not a deal-breaker since if someone was truly sorry, agreed to change, and implemented positive steps to change, you could go on.


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## zaliblue (Apr 26, 2011)

I agree with you guys....I think we could probably work through anything else....even an addiction....but if my hubby ever cheated on me that would be it....I would never trust him again....I look at some of the forums on here about people overcoming infidelity....and that's wonderful for them....but i know myself...and I know that if he ever cheated i would think about it everyday and i would never stop resenting him....


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## zaliblue (Apr 26, 2011)

I just think that the cheating, whether he changed or not, would cause other issues in our marriage....such as lack of trust, insecurity, depression, resentment, lack or sexual interest....I'm not saying that I would ever stop loving him....i just know that our relationship would be negative after infidelity.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I am rather demanding of my partner....

*1*. If he was a story teller, didn't know what being HONEST meant -has issues with willing Transparency , wanting to share his life with me / no secrets - I'd toss him to the wind. Lying would fall under this- therefore ....cheating. 

*2.* If he didn't desire me, he's out. Sex is too much fun, I need passion & enthusiam. 

*3.* I think a sex addiction to me is the only addiction I would put up with. No drunks, drug addics, game fanatics, gamblers, etc. 

*4*. Mental illness.. if I can't reason with you, I wouldn't be strong enough to live with you.

*5. * Too religious & judgemental - Such a man would not want me either. 

*6. * Irresponsible with $$ - I have issues with waste. I am a saver & couldn't handle a frivilous spender -living paycheck to paycheck, it would cause me great stress & anger.

*7. *A workaHolic who thinks he can bring me flowers to make me feel better -by not being home enough - I would miss him too much, and become a lonely desperate housewife.

*8.* A man who didn't want kids & enjoy family- his goals & what life is about -would not be mine.

*9.* A silent Treatment holder - passive aggressiveness tendencies ....if we can't talk & argue when we are mad ... without his needing days to cool off... It wouldn't be working for me. 

*10*. A man who had to live in the city - I am too much of a country girl, to put me in the city is to cage my soul.

*11*. Couldn't hold a job ... I wouldn't care how much $$ a man makes, but his work ethic speaks. Responsibility on the job -major. 

*12.* Depressed with no sense of humor . Would be a terrible kill joy, would drag me down. 

*13*. Physical abuse, mental abuse.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Disrespect. That would include but not limited to levels of unfaithfulness and cheating.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

using Ranch dressing as a condiment. 
Tatoos, 
not taking care of ones skin, body, health
boring, having nothing to say
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I'm another cheating and abuse vote.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

PA, severe EA, and serious violent behavior towards children.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

I have allot but i am married and was always i suppose picky i did not just settle for my wife that is what i mean to say.

Cheating
Physical abuse
Mental abuse
Lying (on a large scale especially) 
Narcissistic behavior 
Hedonistic outlook on life
Addiction of any sort
No goals

the list is endless i could name a million things i would not wish to deal with that a person can do or does. The big ones though is Narcissistic people, Lying, Cheating, Any sort of abuse, and any history of abusing others and or lying/cheating.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

In one word?

Resentment.

It’s a killer of love.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Assault with a deadly weapon
adultary
voting Democrat
failure to disclose that she has a penis
religious practices that involve voodoo or handling poisonous snakes
operating a meth lab out of my house
cussing in the presence of my mother
kicking my dog


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

Infidelity, Abuse, inattentive.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

I suppose most behaviours if taken to an extreme could be a deal breaker but on the other hand, I could work with or around many issues or problems as long as there was reason to hope for change.

But in addition to the biggies of abuse, if I had to do it again or give advise to anyone thinking of marriage, I would say don't marry or stay married to someone who didn't like or was indifferent to sex.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Infidelity
constant lying[even for little things]
any kind of _addiction_ [games, sex, drugs, alcohol...etc.]
flirting with other girls
being self-centered
having no goals or laziness
any kind of abuse


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Goldmember357 said:


> No goals
> 
> .


It's good someone mentioned this.
I dated someone earlier this year but because of the fact that he was jobless, had no goals and seemed not to be bothered by it I had to get away from him.
It was a turn off for me.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Lack of love


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

cheating
hurting our children


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> Deal Breakers? Infidelity; Illegal Drugs; Drug or Alcohol Abuse; Mental or Physical Abuse; Tattoos/Body Art


Tattoos or body art? So if you loved somebody and they got a tasteful tattoo on their hip or ankle or something, THAT would be a dealbreaker? 

Wow.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Lying.

Cheating - it wouldn't be an automatic dump, but the situation would be examined and how everything turned out. I wouldn't automatically forgive either, I've had enough cheating, lying arseholes in my life, I don't want anymore.

Abuse to either my children or myself.

Finding out my S/O was talking to other people about problems we where having in our relationship, without addressing them with me first. He and I should be the first ones to know if there is an issue that needs to be worked out.

Secrecy - I think it goes almost hand in hand with lying. I go out of my way to respect the privacy of my partner, but if I feel he is keeping things from me, it doesn't usually go well. If I have a gut feeling about something and my bullcrap meter starts to go off, it's usually correct.

Taking advantage of me or taking me for granted - I know it happens, but if after conversations about it doesn't correct it, I have to move on to someone who'd respect me and the things that I do.

Withholding love and affection.

I'm sure I can think of some more, but I will add too it as I think of them. The ones listed above are the top deal breakers for me.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Browncoat said:


> PA, severe EA, and serious violent behavior towards children.


But mild violent behavior towards children would be okay?

LOL - I know what you meant.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Tattoos or body art? So if you loved somebody and they got a tasteful tattoo on their hip or ankle or something, THAT would be a dealbreaker?
> 
> Wow.


Gabe: No offense, but why should I look at "tasteful" art that is depicted on a body, when I can see tasteful art everywhere else? I think that there is absolutely nothing sexier in the world than the pure female form, _sans_ the art. It takes all kinds to make a world, and I richly applaud those of you who love body art/tattoos. While I choose to remain "unpainted," some of my best friends have them, and that's totally their business. It would never jeopardize that friendship that I have established with them. But just from my roots and my socially conservative mold, please don't hold it against me if I dislike it on a woman, more especially one that I absolutely love and care deeply about; just as I'd honor her by choosing to remain in a natural state for her.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Well, I've been cheated on (many many years ago), and I also lived with my ex who in the past had an addiction to drugs and alchohol.

Drugs and alchohol for me are the big deal breaker. They will steal anything for their next fix, they lie to cover their tracks, you never know where they are, and they don't give a rats ass about anyone but themselves.

But, a person can also recover from both, and live productive and happy lives after.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Assault with a deadly weapon
> adultary
> voting Democrat
> failure to disclose that she has a penis
> ...


Hey, Un! There's a story circulating around these parts about some card-carrying Republicans that were recently arrested for operating a home-meth lab. Would that be a deal breaker, too? Or possibly a break-up of "free enterprise?"


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> Hey, Un! There's a story circulating around these parts about some card-carrying Republicans that were recently arrested for operating a home-meth lab. Would that be a deal breaker, too?


FUD. Fear Uncertainty and Doubt. It works well with the masses.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

The people saying cheating and abuse is a deal breaker.

That's what's called a given.

A deal breaker is supposed to be what would you have a problem with in an otherwise normal, non-cheating, non-abusive person.

For example: the person smokes or they already have kids. Or they don't want kids.



If your threshold is that low that you're just looking for someone not to lie, cheat and abuse you, then....maybe you have some soul searching to do.

Just saying.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Unhappy2011 said:


> The people saying cheating and abuse is a deal breaker.
> 
> That's what's called a given.
> 
> ...


I think there is a difference between deal breakers and incompatibility. If someone had an issue with me being a mom, it didn't get passed the first 10 minutes of the first date. Not a deal breaker, simply just wasn't interested in wasting my time in someone I was incompatible with. Deal breakers, for me anyways. are things that happen in a relationship, and not on first dates.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> I think there is a difference between deal breakers and incompatibility.* If someone had an issue with me being a mom,* it didn't get passed the first 10 minutes of the first date. Not a deal breaker, simply just wasn't interested in wasting my time in someone I was incompatible with. Deal breakers, for me anyways. are things that happen in a relationship, and not on first dates.


That would be their dealbreaker.

And deal breakers should be thought of as those things you screen for on the first dates, so you don't waste your time.

It falls under the umbrella of incompatibility.

But incompatibility is something you get a better sense of as the relationship moves on.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Unhappy2011 said:


> That would be their dealbreaker.
> 
> And deal breakers should be thought of as those things you screen for on the first dates, so you don't waste your time.
> 
> ...


I guess I should say, odds are good that there wouldn't of even been a first date if they had issues with me being a mother, if they had issues with me smoking, or that I don't want anymore biological children. But I didn't make it a secret that I had children, so the guys I did go on dates with, had no issues with it. I've always thought of deal breakers as a relationship thing, a crossing of boundaries. 

At least that's been my take on them. Which is why I said lying, cheating, withholding affection and love, etc. I wouldn't know of any of this if it was first date stuff. And when I was dating, I had a list of things I was looking for in a mate, and wasn't shy about bringing these things up before wasting any ones time.

Maybe since the board is mostly married people/LTR people, deal breakers means something different here?


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

zaliblue said:


> Just wondering what other people see as deal-breakers in a relationship.....For me, it would be cheating and physical and/or mental abuse to my children or myself....What are the things that you would absolutely not put up with under any circumstances?


Her saying something like, "I don't love you." or "I don't respect you" would do the trick. Cheating, child abuse, and things of that ilk would not. (Note, on the child abuse thing, I would act quickly and definitively to protect the children, but I'd need more context before I got to "kick her to the curb")


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> Gabe: No offense, but why should I look at "tasteful" art that is depicted on a body, when I can see tasteful art everywhere else? I think that there is absolutely nothing sexier in the world than the pure female form, _sans_ the art. It takes all kinds to make a world, and I richly applaud those of you who love body art/tattoos. While I choose to remain "unpainted," some of my best friends have them, and that's totally their business. It would never jeopardize that friendship that I have established with them. But just from my roots and my socially conservative mold, please don't hold it against me if I dislike it on a woman, more especially one that I absolutely love and care deeply about; just as I'd honor her by choosing to remain in a natural state for her.


But you said it was a deal breaker. Strongly preferring a tattooless person is absolutely understandable. But deal breakers are meant for such horribly offensive things/behavior that you would never be with that person. And to say that because someone has a tattoo is really shallow, in my opinion.

What if the person had one in a spot you would never see until they were naked? You fell in love with her, and finally decided to have sex - she's the woman of your dreams. And then, she takes off her panties in the heat of the moment and you see a butterfly painted on her hip. Are you telling me you would stop the presses, and cut that person out of your life?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

For a new relationship? breathing, talking, being where I can see you, knowing my name. 

For an existing relationship? who cares.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> But you said it was a deal breaker. Strongly preferring a tattooless person is absolutely understandable. But deal breakers are meant for such horribly offensive things/behavior that you would never be with that person. And to say that because someone has a tattoo is really shallow, in my opinion.
> 
> What if the person had one in a spot you would never see until they were naked? You fell in love with her, and finally decided to have sex - she's the woman of your dreams. And then, she takes off her panties in the heat of the moment and you see a butterfly painted on her hip. Are you telling me you would stop the presses, and cut that person out of your life?


I would think that I would know a little more about her and her about me through the "interview process" preliminaries. In my vast lifetime, I can't ever say that I've ever just "dove right in" without either knowing something about them or having developed feelings for them over the dating process. Maybe I'm lucky in that I'm just a pretty good judge of character. That's just me, and I, nor any of the ladies that I've been intimate with have ever had a problem with that, so far as I know.

And to that, I robustly say "to each his own!"


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> And to that, I robustly say "to each his own!"


Yep, you can eliminate whoever you want. Tattoos have become so mainstream though, that you would be playing in an evaporating pond. And we're talking professional, classy women who get them in discreet locations. Clean people. Even very religious folks.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Yep, you can eliminate whoever you want. Tattoos have become so mainstream though, that you would be playing in an evaporating pond. And we're talking professional, classy women who get them in discreet locations. Clean people. Even very religious folks.


Gabe: I was around a very long time prior to the recent renaissance of the tattoo culture. My main problem with them is that those parlors, more often than not, seem to cater to a select group of people who seemingly cannot make a positive impression on other people other than to have art drawn all over their bodies. And if you were to sample the mainstream American population, I think you'd greatly find that the vast majority of Americans choose, for whatever reason, to remain "unpainted."

As I said on an earlier post, I have friends who have chosen to get them. I don't know why, but that is their decision. They know that I do not like their body art but that I will always remain friends with them. But any lady that I want to have a relationship must meet that criteria. But that's just me and my personal belief system! 

I'll ardently respect your right to wear body art, but please show reciprocity in respecting my equal right to not wear them!


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## zaliblue (Apr 26, 2011)

Hmm....this has me thinking.....Of course i am married...but some deal breakers for me or things that would automatically become uninterested in a person is if:

The man had children BUT had nothing to do with them....(save the excuses, because I don't care)

If he had a reputation for cheating

If he was "one of those guys" who has a 1950's outlook of what a woman should do and be

If he was a virgin......my hubby and i lost our virginity to each other 8 years ago and now have a banging sex life....BUT I know how long that takes lol

As far as the whole tattoo debate going on here....

If it is someone's preference to not date a person with tattoos, then that's you....but you mights really miss out....I don't have any, but I think they're sexy....and a lot of people that have them have turned out to be really interesting


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Yeah, I agree drug abuse, conjugal violence, child abuse, and infidelity are obviously a given....but they still happen in relationships and couples will stay together anyway..

big no no's

mama's boy
excessive farting, nose picking
not dressing properly
lack of hygiene
video gamer (the addicted kind)
couch potatoe

and the big one...lol....I would never date a man with teenagers...


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## zaliblue (Apr 26, 2011)

working_together said:


> excessive farting, nose picking
> ...


nose picking....lol....just imagine the 1st date....:rofl:


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> . I'll ardently respect your right to wear body art, but please show reciprocity in respecting my equal right to not wear them!


See you have me all wrong. I don't have any tattoos. Probably never will. I just find it really strange that if a woman was perfect for you in every way, but had a little ink in a discreet location, that you would call that a deal breaker and deny a potential soulmate.

But then again, I would never date a smoker under any circumstance, so there you go.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

racism, homophobia, misogyny

I also wouldn't go out with someone who had totally opposing political views - some people don't care but I really do


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## Marielle (Mar 28, 2012)

Unhappy2011 said:


> The people saying cheating and abuse is a deal breaker.
> 
> That's what's called a given.
> 
> A deal breaker is supposed to be what would you have a problem with in an otherwise normal, non-cheating, non-abusive person...



Lack of emotional depth and sensitivity.

And lack of compassion towards animals....."must love dogs!"


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

If she ever had any kind of contact with her ex boyfriend (she knows the one I am talking about) without me knowing it. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, no excuses game over!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> See you have me all wrong. I don't have any tattoos. Probably never will. I just find it really strange that if a woman was perfect for you in every way, but had a little ink in a discreet location, that you would call that a deal breaker and deny a potential soulmate.
> 
> But then again, I would never date a smoker under any circumstance, so there you go.


Gabe: You're a lot like my best friend. He officiates football also but on another crew, but I've known him for 25 years. Even more straight-laced than I am, he is absolutely the best "devils advocate" in the world, not only about football, but politics, religion, society, you name it! In fact, he won't even agree with his own argumentations, but it absolutely delights him to goad me into seeing both sides of a given situation. (Conversely, he is one of the best football rule interpretors that I know of, primarily because he picks that rulebook apart!)

I too, would not have a relationship with a smoker as well as some of the other aforementioned nuances. Hope that I didn't offend you in any way, but I can be rather staunch in some of my beliefs. It's people like you that make this forum lively, refreshing, and so enjoyable. And Gabe, you're always welcome to call me on the carpet for any of my statements! Take care, my friend! Greatly looking forward to a long association with you as well as the other TAMers!


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> Gabe: You're a lot like my best friend. He officiates football also but on another crew, but I've known him for 25 years. Even more straight-laced than I am, he is absolutely the best "devils advocate" in the world, not only about football, but politics, religion, society, you name it! In fact, he won't even agree with his own argumentations, but it absolutely delights him to goad me into seeing both sides of a given situation. (Conversely, he is one of the best football rule interpretors that I know of, primarily because he picks that rulebook apart!)
> 
> I too, would not have a relationship with a smoker as well as some of the other aforementioned nuances. Hope that I didn't offend you in any way, but I can be rather staunch in some of my beliefs. It's people like you that make this forum lively, refreshing, and so enjoyable. And Gabe, you're always welcome to call me on the carpet for any of my statements! Take care, my friend! Greatly looking forward to a long association with you as well as the other TAMers!


Very good, Sir.


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## 38m3kids (Sep 29, 2011)

this topic peaked my interest, because BEFORE my wifes affair, cheating was an absolute 100% dealbreaker for me. Post-A, we are still together 20 months later although it has been a VERY rocky road. Life/love/marriage is very different now. She continues to do eveything right, although most days it is never enough. Children and circumstances can surely affect "dealbreaker", trust me. For me right now, I am happier being a full time dad, and "ok" personally, than splitting up my family to find another woman who "has not cheated on me".


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

If someone didn't want to date me because of my tatoo's then I'd think they'd be pretty lame, and missing out on a possible good relationship..all because of a little ink.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

zaliblue said:


> Just wondering what other people see as deal-breakers in a relationship.....For me, it would be cheating and physical and/or mental abuse to my children or myself....What are the things that you would absolutely not put up with under any circumstances?


Infidelity of any kind or abuse of any kind (to me or the kids) are dealbreakers for me.

Serious causes of concern would be deceit (lying), lack of trust, and lack of respect.


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## hldnhope (Apr 10, 2012)

Infidelity; Abuse (emotional included); Addiction


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Cats. Little dogs in purses or backpacks. Just, no.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

zaliblue said:


> Just wondering what other people see as deal-breakers in a relationship.....For me, it would be cheating and physical and/or mental abuse to my children or myself....What are the things that you would absolutely not put up with under any circumstances?


Carol and I have too much invested for me to list any single thing and say "that would be the end" without any context whatsoever. Heck, even in year 1 my mind just doesn't run that black & white.


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## occasionallybaffled (Apr 12, 2012)

If she sounded like Minny Mouse.lol.

Seriously speaking... addiction (substance abuse) and not willing to go to detox/recovery program, squandering our retirement & a PA.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Hard drugs, long term affairs like 6 months +, spending my money large sums like blowing 10k or there.

I don't believe in absolutes though......I'm pretty level headed and think I could handle anything given the right response from her.


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## Marielle (Mar 28, 2012)

Self-conscious primping and preening.

Rudeness to waiters/waitresses.

Oozing vibe of desperation.

Possessiveness.

Me me me.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Ugly feet.

She can a be a major b most of the time. But if she doesn't take care of her feet, I'm out.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

sinnister said:


> Ugly feet.
> 
> She can a be a major b most of the time. But if she doesn't take care of her feet, I'm out.


Hope your wife isn't a dancer... they have notoriously gnarly feet (my wife does from years of ballet).


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Bad teeth...yuck


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## Duke (May 15, 2011)

working_together said:


> If someone didn't want to date me because of my tatoo's then I'd think they'd be pretty lame, and missing out on a possible good relationship..all because of a little ink.


Tattoos can look really hot...or not. Not a deal breaker for me, though I can't imagine what I'd want a picture of on my body for the rest of my life. Then again, at 46 my life is half over, so maybe I should.... 



working_together said:


> Bad teeth...yuck


Yeah, that's hard to take.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

She stops being herself

She starts following, starts obeying, starts listening to everything her BS "mates" at church tell her, then that's my deal breaker

OR, any harm to our child and she'll pay the price... cheating would be hot though, but she'll never do it

In the end, it's kinda hard for her to screw sh-t up unless she gets possessed or something really


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Browncoat said:


> Hope your wife isn't a dancer... they have notoriously gnarly feet (my wife does from years of ballet).


K maybe it's not a deal breaker. Cause dancers are flexible and have nice legs...so ya. If her feet were toast because of dancing she gets a pass.


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