# When do you realize it's never going to work and let it go?



## R.J.

I've been married for 3 years and I can't recall a moment of peace throughout this time. I've been seriously contemplating a divorce for a year now, but haven't actually made any moves. My husband and I are far from friends. We don't really talk or do anything together. There's no kissing, hugging, or cuddling in our marriage (with having said that you can imagine what else we're lacking). In the beginning I tried to be affectionate, but over time I got tired of initiating and just stopped.

I'm not attracted to him anymore and I'm definitely not proud to have him as my husband. I came into this marriage not realizing what I actually married into. I make much more money, he has 2 children by 2 different ridiculous women, and he doesn't have a great career. Financial disputes have definitely deteoriated the quality of our marriage. Most of the money he does make goes toward child support, which drives me crazy. I do feel really bad that the support payments have prevented him from providing in our marriage, but at the same time I wonder why this unfortunate fact doesn't give him drive to do more (like go back to school). I'm tired of supporting us. All the bills and everything else is on my dime. It's getting old. On top of that he's unappreciative. He's gotten to the point where he acts like I'm suppose to do it all. 

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect. I've given him hell as well, but I PROMISE it's because I've felt so used and taken advantage of over the years. I mean I do so much and have to deal with so much baggage that it prevents me from being the sweet, kind, loving wife that I'm capable of being. I work all day, come home, cook, and clean while he sits and watches football. This is EVERYDAY. He doesn't do anything to try to make things easier for me. 

My husband has a very poor attitude. He's very opinionative, strong willed, and think he knows everything. Everything in life is a conspiracy too (UGH!!!). He doesn't like to go anywhere or do anything unless it involves a sport. 

So let's conclude this. I'm tired of never getting affection, paying for everything, never receiving nice things, never being told thank you or I'm sorry when he does something wrong, and dealing with these rats that he had children with. I'm tired of doing all the cooking and cleaning, while watching him sit on his tail and reap the benefits. How am I benefitting from this marriage? What do I have to gain by being married to this man? :scratchhead:

I know this isn't suppose to be my life. I have a great career, no children, I'm fairly young, and I love living. I know I wasn't created to deal with kids that aren't mine, a lacking husband, and a lacking life. What are your thoughts????


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## Emma1981

I'm just curious what brought you guys together in the first place/ why did you get married? Is this how he has always been or did he do a 180 after after you two said "I do?"

I am in kind of the same boat but not for the same reasons. My husband and I are at a crossroads of "is this ever going to to work" and should we let it go.


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## Darkhorse

Yea, why did you get married?


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## R.J.

In the beginning, our relationship was long distance. He had a well paying position during that time and was able to pay his support and still do really nice things for me. During that time, he was really kind, outgoing, and ideal. Additionally, I didn't have any problems with his children and their mothers. I figured, yeah his situation wasn't ideal (hence 2 children with 2 different women), but he had it totally under control and it didn't impact the quality of our relationship at all. We got married, he ended up moving to my location, and unfortunately took a major pay cut. Things pretty much went down hill after that. The kids, the mothers, the money, his attitude…everything just came pouring down all at once.


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## accept

I cant see you staying. Does he realise that you want to get out.


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## kissjo

OMG - I swear that you just described my marriage! The only difference is that my husband only has one child from a previous marriage, and his ex-wife is actually a great woman. Otherwise, I am in a thankless marriage, and also make significantly more money than my spouse. I too have to deal with the football, but lets add hockey, soccer, tennis, lacrosse, golf, rugby, and well, just about anything else that sports channels have to offer. I do ALL the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, planning. I am the bank, I am the sexual instigator, and I am the financial planner. I also have to deal with ED.
I think our husbands need to get together and meet. I would love to be the fly on the wall for that conversation. I know exactly what my husband would say, and since our husbands sound like they are twins that have never met, I'm sure they would be complaining about the same things.

Have no advice for you as I'm in the same boat. I have all my planning done for leaving, just need the right opportunity to do it. We are in counselling and am hoping to work things out, but I feel like my husband is sucking the happy right out of me. I don't think its salvageable.


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## R.J.

Wow Kissjo. I truly understand how you feel. Counseling didn't help us AT ALL. I'm down and out at this point and I suppose the holidays aren't making it any better. Lately I've been at my lowest because I realize what I need to do, but don't really have the courage to do it. I guess I'm just waiting on the right moment. It's not easy leaving a marriage. I don't think anyone wants a failed marriage, but there's only so much misery anyone can handle.

I do hope that counseling works for you two. I truly hope that you do end up with a happy ending. 

I want more people to respond to this forum because it helps to know that I'm not the only one dealing with these issues. It makes me feel as though I'm not the odd ball with the odd marriage. These issues are real to many people and they work through them. I guess overall, it sorta gives me hope.

Oh and by the way Kissjo, any sport that ESPN or EVERY other sport channel has to offer, he's all in too. Lol!!!!


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## accept

Your mind seems to be made up what did you expect from counselling. I suppose you wanted him to change. But as you state you dont have the courage which he most likely realises why should he. I am surprised the counselor didnt help you with getting the 'courage' if your H wasnt prepared to change.


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## kissjo

Well...counselling isn't really working for us. In fact, it is bringing out more anger in me than I expected. I don't want my husband to change who he is - a man who is hard working, not abusive, fashionable, and close with his family. This is what makes him. However, there are things about his mental status, such as anger issues, ignorance, impatience, selfishness, that yes, I would like to change, or at least let him see that these personality traits are difficult for others to be around. Not just me, it also includes his friends, his coworkers, but most especially, his son. I spend more time with his son than he does, and I am truly appreciative of this child in my life. He lives far away, and I spend the money to make sure that he flies here every summer and every Christmas because I think its important for him to be involved in his fathers life. My husband loves his son, but I have to wonder if he feels like his son is a hinderance on his life. I won't let him ever make his son feel that way which is why I make every effort I can to treat that child with as much love as I can.

I entered into this marriage understanding that my husband made less money than me, and we agreed that I would put forth 70% of all the bills. BUT, this was in understanding that over time, his career would provide him with more of an income, and we would gradually go to an even split. And if he ever made more than me, than he would cover more of the bills. Housework is also supposed to be 50%, however, it is currently me 100%, him 0%. He promised me one date night per week....that was 5 years ago...he's done it twice. He also promised to cook once a week...he's done it once in 2 years. He also promised that on my weekends off, we would spend Sunday afternoon out, either at the park, or out and about. However, Football is on Sunday afternoons, so I'm usually by myself. 

Can I talk about sex for a minute? Its terrible. I hate having sex with my husband...2 minutes in the same position every single time is not enjoyable. I cannot even remember the last time I orgasmed. He had ED, so usually trying new positions is a waste of time. I've tried EVERYTHING...I've read books, researched online, asked him what he wanted, all to no avail. Then last time, after a couple of drinks, and he couldn't get it up, he BLAMED me! That was it....I'm done with that. I get more enjoyment out of my vibrator than I do my husband.

After a very non-successful day at counselling today, I don't see things changing, but we do have a project that we have to complete before our next session. We'll see what happens. Good luck to you RJ. We'll keep in touch


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## R.J.

Wow Kissjo. That's a lot your dealing with. I do understand. Both of his sons live far away as well. When we first got married, I decided that I'd put forth the best effort to not only gain a relationship with his children, but also to make them a regular part of our lives. Oops…don't know what I was thinking. The youngest child's mother is an absolute LUNATIC. That woman is completely irrational and ridiculous. She refuses to allow my husband to even know his child. She disappeared at one point and I decided to hire a private detective to find her so that we could make an effort to establish a relationship with their son. OMG, when we found that fool she started tripping out and didn't want us calling her. After that, I decided I wanted nothing to do with that situation AT ALL. Definitely too much drama for me. I just pray that when the son gets old enough to make his own decisions, he'll come looking for his father. In the meantime, my husband pays his child support every month for a son he doesn't even know.

The oldest son's mother is an absolute bum. She doesn't work (never had a job in her life), lives in a trailer that I swear is being held up by one nail, never graduated from high school, and she's an absolute leech. I tried to be friendly with her for the sake of the child, but she had an attitude. My thinking is if she doesn't want my husband anymore, why is she acting funky towards me? Anyhow, I ignored her ridiculousness and still tried to establish a relationship with their son. I arranged for him to spend a summer with us once and when the boy came he was so rude. He eventually told his dad that the mother told him to behave that way towards me. We fixed that situation really quickly and the boy began behaving with at least respect.

During that time, my husband made me feel like an outsider. He would spend all of his time with his son and seriously didn't acknowledge me at all. The only way I could spend time with my husband is if I literally sat in the kid's room with them. He even slept with the kid every night because he was always "scared." That summer was the worst. I ended up leaving on the weekends and travelling to my hometown to be with my family. It was pointless to stay there.

Now I have no desire to know any of his children. As a matter of fact, I stay completely out of that. The son's mother that we do deal with is plain ridiculous. She actually sent my husband a text recently asking him to pay her phone bill. WTH!!! I was flabbergasted. She could've pretended as though she needed money for their son, but instead now she wants my husband to pay her bills. When I tried to call her to give her a piece of my mind, my husband accused me of trying to be confrontational. He said to simply ignore her because that's what he does. I don't know…it's all just a big mess.

In terms of bills, I pay for everything and it's been that way since day 1 of our marriage. He simply reaps the benefits. I've concluded it's going to be this way as long as I stay married to my husband, which isn't ideal at all.

Sex, please…what is that??? I haven't had sex in ages. I have no desire to. I'm not sexually attracted to my husband so when he tries I get irritated and tell him I'm tired or sick. I can't do it. There's no foreplay at all. The same positions, the same expressions, the same the same the same. I used to try different things like role playing etc., but that got old too. I was the only one trying to enhance our sex life. Now I'm to the point where I'm over sex altogether. Besides, he doesn't make me feel beautiful at all, I do everything for us, he's an opinionative person who doesn't do anything for me, but instead watches sports from the moment he gets off work until he goes to bed…I can go on forever. How can he expect me to be sexually attracted to him when this is all that I get??????


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## kissjo

RJ - I am reading your letter and I can feel your frustration and I can literally feel that tightness in your chest. I don't know if you are anything like me, but my frustration and stress is so severe right now, that my sleep is suffering. I get in "funks" - I just want to sit around the house and do nothing. I have called in sick to work more in the last 2 months than I ever have. I have gained weight, I have lost weight. I don't want to go out with friends. I have dreams of having an affair (I never would...I just dream it. There isn't anyone in my life that I could with anyways, and I work in a female dominated world, and I'm not seeking anyone for that purpose, but I still dream of a just meeting someone for some great companionship, or literally, just a good time). There are days where things are OK with hubby, but most times I look at him, I wonder WTF I was thinking.

Did you have any doubts before you got married? I remember the night before, as we were setting the yard for the wedding, we got in a fight. I went into the house, and I started crying and I looked at my mom and I said "What am I thinking?". I still remember how I felt and wondering why I was going through with something that I knew was wrong. I chalked it up to nerves, as I'm sure most people do.

I have to admit that I'm incredibly lucky with the ex-wife/baby's mama situation. She is incredibly put together. She is an educated women, intelligent, and a wonderful mother. My husband was actually a terrible father - absent for the first 8 years of his sons life, by choice. We met when his son was 9. I don't think any child should suffer because a parent is being a selfish douche. I got involved from the get go. I made sure that he was actively in his sons life throughout our entire relationship. And I have to give full props to his ex-wife because she never, despite my husbands ridiculously selfish behaviour, she never said ANYTHING negative to their son about his father. NEVER. She took full custody of him when he was a baby, so our child support payments are minimal since we legally cannot make any decisions for him (with minimal exceptions). She has requested that we consider increasing them, but because we get him now for 2 months out of the year, she stopped that request. Her and me get along great. We email each other, and in fact, her and me communicate about their son more than she does with my hubby. I have invited her on vacations with us (she has always declined, but she wants to go on one with us when we are all able to get together), and she is on my facebook account. She is a class act - I have met her entire family and have been welcomed each time. I couldn't have asked for a better ex-wife. And because of her amazing personality, her son has ended up a wonderful young man that I am so proud to have in my life. One of the hardest things about considering this separation is that I may end up losing him, and since I am no longer a young woman, I have to consider that he may be the only child that I may get.

I have requested that my husband and me go to a sex therapist. I think that that would benefit us in ways, but I think my husband would be resistant. We'll see what happens. We are waiting for a referral from our therapist. I feel your pain with the sex department....sex with my husband used to be fun...before we were married! My husband has NO idea how to be sexual. I have tried everything that you mentioned too, and seriously, its just for naught. I'm exhausted and truthfully, don't even want him to touch me anymore.

In the words of my therapist, if you quit paying the bills, and doing everything, what would happen? I know its easier said then done (especially if you are like me), but what would happen if you canceled the cable? I have threatened it, and I told my husband I would do it if he continued to be obsessed with the TV. He has gotten better, albeit, it has been a SLOW road. My therapist actually told me I should get rid of the TVs all together, but I have to admit that I enjoy watching TV at times too. 

Thank you for letting me vent! I know there are so many people out there who feel the same way as us, but honestly, it just feels at times like I'm the only one. I don't want to get divorced, a part of me would feel like a complete failure (especially with my family), but I would rather be shamed by my family for a bit (they'll get over it), then live in misery.


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## R.J.

OMG Kissjo. I dream of affairs so much that it's difficult for me to separate reality from fantasy sometimes. LOL!!! I'm lacking so much affection that I worry if I encountered the wrong man, I might fall into temptation. I try my best to avoid it by all means. I've never done anything at all, but I do fantasize about it all of the time. Additionally, there are times when things are quiet and cool, but most of the time I stare at him and think, "my goodness why did I do this to myself?"
I too had second thoughts at the last minute. However, I hate to admit this but I didn't want to let so many people down so I went through with it. Also I thought things would get better once we were official. WTH was I thinking???

I CANNOT believe the relationship you have with your husband's ex-wife. That's the type of relationship that I tried to establish with my husband's ex, but she's such a rat that she wouldn't even consider it. When a woman is confident about herself, she doesn't need to act ugly towards her ex's new love, especially when she doesn't even want him any longer (or perhaps she does). I had absolutely no problem with her. I wasn't intimidated by their past at all, but I can't say the same for her.

Although I'm only 29, I feel 92. I'm not getting any younger and I want a family. I know it wouldn't be fair to bring a child into this world in my current situation. Furthermore, I don't want a situation where if my husband and I divorce, he'd be trapped into my life forever. Once we're divorced, I never want to see him again.


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## Chica

This is the question I'm asking myself right now. My husband was one of my dad's employee and he is 12yrs older than me. Looking back on it now. I think it was part rebellion on my behalf accepting to give him a chance. I was in college and living life. I had gotten out of a relationship from an obsessive boyfriend a year prior. He was such a sweet talker and a gentleman. I was 22 and he was 34 so much more mature then my prior boyfriend. I knew he had children when we started dating. I think I never thought that it would develop into anything serious so I did not care, until I was pregnant. I'm a big believer in education and I was determined to have a good career and a good paying job. But then I was pregnant. I did not believe in abortion and got married and had our son. I thought my pregnancy was his way of securing our marriage, in other words he did it on purpose. Many years later about 3yrs into the marriage, when we were about to go our separate ways and he admitted to me that he got me pregnant on purpose. He was afraid that if we had no major tie that we would not be and he was right. So we worked it out stayed together for the sake of my son and because I had not finished my college education yet. He worked hard labor jobs and took care of the bills, though struggling and with the help of my parents, to support my son and while I went back to school full time.
To make a long story, I finished school and got that career that I was striving for four years after we were married. Immediately after I finished school my husband hurt his back and now he can't work like he use to. Eight years later I have been paying the bills and maintaining the house these past 4yrs. Now we are having other sorts of problems. The sort that I knew that I would have with an older man that does not have the education that i was lucky to get. Now he has jealousy issues, he doesn't want to understand that in my profession, I need to travel socialize and attend holiday parties with my company and many of my clients. I've never disrespected our marriage. That shows his lack of confidence in me and himself.
Now I'm stuck trying to decide if I have to choose between having a career or keeping the family together. He is a good dad. For the most part he is a good man. I feel that if he were a healthy man now we would have the financial freedom we always wanted but because I'm the only one working though it is good money we will never be financially relaxed unless I do very well in my job. I think I recent him for this to some degree. I feel like in addition to not financially adding to the household he wants to bite the hand that feeds us. He is blue collar guy and does not understand a white collar job. I already feel like we have a seed of discontent, it keeps gnawing at me when I think back on how our marriage came to be by a deceitful act. I feel like I was cheated on. Every time we have an argument it is the first thing that I remind him of. Now however I feel like I have the moral obligation to stay with him not because of our son but because of his health. I don't feel like I love him and I don't think I ever did. 
I'm 30 now and he is 42. He is entering a more mature stage. He doesn't want to do anything mostly his age and partly his health. He doesn't want to drink anymore and wants me to stop because he wants to be 40. He doesn't want to go dancing anymore. All he want to do is watch tv. For goodness sake all I want us to do is family activities like going out for some brisk exercise all 3 of us together. for him now it's just tv and *some* tasks around the house. 
I don't have the motivation to work things out anymore with him. He thinks these are not serious problems. They are very serious to me. He is trying to hinder my career and I recent him for it. He doesn't make the effort to remember that I'm still 30. I make the effort to show interest in his hobbies. I'm still young enough to start again. I think I'm waiting for him to just ask me to break it off and i would agree in a heart beat.
I think I just needed to vent. I know things are just going to get worse in our household.


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## R.J.

Hey Chica. Thank you for sharing your situation. Also, congratulations on obtaining your degree.

I share some similarities with your situation from a career standpoint. I'm an Electrical Engineer and my husband was a truck driver. It got to the point where he was NEVER home so he decided to find a local position. He ended up finding a position making just above minimum wage. Ultimately, he realized that such a low paying job wouldn't hurt only him, but also the marriage. Therefore, he ended up finding a better position making a little more money. However, his income still isn't enough to pay even a single bill along with his child support, and therefore, I'm left carrying the burden. 

As an electrical engineer I make pretty good money, but with the economy being that way that it is (gas prices, groceries, taxes taxes taxes, health insurance increases, ETC.) my income can only take us so far. It's hard paying for EVERYTHING and saving money as well. I've offered many times to help him go back to school, but he makes excuses about why it wouldn't be feasible to do so. I think he's just content with me doing it all. I feel completely used...like I'm just convenience for him and he's gonna go along for the ride for as long as I permit him to.

Chica, the biggest difference between our situations is that it sounds like your husband loves you. Your post suggests that you're very frustrated because you're the bread winner and your husband sounds like he's defeated by your success. Sometimes when a woman leads in so many areas in a marriage, the man just shuts down. In my opinion it sounds like your husband has shut down.

You said that he's jealous when you travel or socialize with your clients and it seems to me that he recognizes at any point you can be subjected to someone that you may think is in a "better" situation than he is and may leave him. Unfortunately, this is very insecure on his part. I can see how this situation can turn you off and the fact that he isn't active doesn't make the situation better. You're right, you're very young and still have a lot of life in you. Additionally, he's only 40, not 80. He should have alot of life in him as well. 

I truly believe that if a person cared for their spouse's happiness, they'd sacrifice for the sake of it. He may want to sit and watch TV all of the time, but you want to go dancing, and therefore, he should take you dancing sometimes and you should sit and watch TV with him as well. 

It's so funny because I LOVE shoes. I have over 150 pairs (which compared to some women isn't anything...Lol). My shoe collection irritates my husband because he doesn't understand why I have or "need", as he would say, so many. As I've mentioned to him several times, there are several people in this world who collect things because they simply love them. There are coin, antique, art collectors and so on. These folks just love what they love and it's ok. Well, I love shoes. I love what I love and it's ok. I don't go out and buy $1000s worth of shoes at a time. No, I may see a pair of shoes every once in a while and have to have them. My collection has been built over a course of years, not days. My point is that he should respect what I love and not try to understand why I love it. My shoes aren't interfering with our finances. I'm not some shoe addict who sacrifice bills over them. I haven't put us in a ton of debt purchasing shoes, so why is it a big deal? It's a big deal because they're not a big deal to him. If he doesn't care for something, then it's just plain stupid to him. We were in the kitchen the other day and a movie was on. We both entered as soon as a scene where the husband had bought his wife a pair of nice heels, a dress, and jewelry. My husband made the comment, "...she probably has 300 pair of shoes already and he's buying her more. Well, I wouldn't buy any shoes!!!" And I told him, "...trust me, know one expects you to either. You wouldn't buy anything that someone loves to make them happy." That's the type of douche that he is. He would NEVER do or get me anything that I love or even like. He has only gotten me things that he THINKS I should have, which isn't saying much at all!!!

So Chica, now that I'm done with my tangent, I must ask if you've ever considered counseling? It sounds like all hope isn't lost in your marriage (based on your post). It seems like he loves you, but feels conquered by your success. You even said he's a good man and father. That counts for ALOT. If you've read some of the other posts, you'd have seen that some men aren't good anything. Do you think there's possibly a chance that you guys can get some help? Perhaps if he clearly understood how important it is for you to go out sometimes and socialize, he may change a bit??? Or if he applied himself...maybe even go back to school and enhance his career then he could contribute more and improve the financial burden in the marriage??? 

What are your thoughts, Chica?


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## kissjo

Chica...RJ....girls...what have we gotten ourselves into???

First of all...Chica....if ANY man tricked me by getting me pregnant without my consent, that automatically would make me run the other way. Not only is that a complete lack of respect, to me, its a complete breach of trust. Yes, you love your son and you couldn't imagine your life without him...however, your husbands lies and deceit to get your son here has already caused friction in your marriage. Second of all, my husband is 41 and he is very active. We enjoy wine, and socializing, and travelling - 40 is not old, and sorry if he feels that way, but there is NO reason, his health or not, why you should have to sit around your house all day and watch TV or not enjoy a drink every now and then. Thirdly, I don't know how serious his injury at work was, but as a health care professional, I can assure you that there are activities that he can do with you and your son that would probably benefit him and his injury. Sitting around all day won't help him. If he's like this now, whats he going to be like in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years? I would go insane. And do you want more children? If you do, you have to realize that the brunt of the work will be done by you, the full time working mom, with a lazy ass husband.

One of the reasons that I have chosen not to have children is because I cannot imagine having children with my husband. I know for a fact that he wouldn't get up and change a diaper, or feed the child, or clean up after the child, or plan any activities with the child (unless its in front of the TV), or go to their games, or etc, etc, etc. I already feel like I loathe my husband because I know he would be the worst father. I've seen it with his own son...if it wasn't for me pushing him to do something with his son when his son is visiting, all they would do is watch TV (which sickens me to no end).

As the bread winner in my house, one of our arguments right now is how my husband can earn more money. He tries, but he works a commission based income that has caused more arguments than you can guess, especially with the economy the way it is. He says that at his age, he doesn't want to start a new career path. I even asked him "even if that meant losing his wife"? He said he wouldn't change what he does, period. Wow....nice. So, in the meantime, I pay for everything. Yes, the bitterness and resentment is always present. I am pissed off. He has not contributed anything in months. We planned on building a house next year, and I have been saving with the understanding that he was saving too. I put off going to Italy with my friends because of our decision to build a house. I just found out last week that he hasn't put a dime aside for this, meanwhile, I have been struggling to save and pay for our bills. I was furious....and absolutely still am. So, not only am I not going on my dream trip with my best friends, I am also not getting the house that we have been talking about for years. However, knowing that I now have money saved up, it allows me the flexibility to know that if I want to leave, I have the money saved up to do so. 

RJ - you mentioned shoes. I love jackets and coats. We live in colder climate, and so, naturally, I need coats for all 4 seasons. Whenever I buy a new one, I get the look of disdain. HOWEVER, I also don't go in debt just to purchase a coat. I wear scrubs to work. I don't have to think about my wardrobe very much. I don't have many fancy clothes because I just don't need them. I have pretty shoes, but again, I don't need many because I just don't need them for work. My husband, however, works in an office. He thinks he will be the next GQ. He loves expensive watches, suits, ties, shoes, coats, you name it, he will only buy the expensive things. This also goes for wine and liquor. I don't buy expensive things because I cannot afford them because of me having to pay for everything. However, for some reason, my husband can afford to buy these things on a regular basis. When I bring it up, he says its what he likes to spend his money on. Heres another thing....he takes clients out for lunches all the time. Sometimes, a drink or two. I don't remember the last time my husband took me out for supper. He says he can't afford it. But that $40 bottle of wine yesterday he could afford....not like we'll be drinking it....he's saving it for a special occasion. Let me tell you something....should I choose to leave him, I am taking ALL of the special occasion wines with me (since that will be a SPECIAL occasion for me!). Anyways, back to the supper thing. So, in the meantime, I make all the suppers, I buy all the groceries, if I want to go out, I pay. He always comes even if he's not invited, and knowing I'll pay, he gets a glass of wine, and mug of beer, an appy, a dessert....he goes all out. I'm thinking that I could do a quick $20 meal, but my husband makes our bill $100+ every time = piss me off. 

As per my therapist, I asked my husband to help me around the house a couple of weeks ago. I gave him a task and a time line. Ie: Please clean the spare bathroom by Sunday. That was 2 weeks ago, and guess what? The bathroom still has not been done. However, I know that he has watched 4 football games, 6 hockey games, and he has played soccer 4 times, today he went curling, he went out for beers with friends once, he's gone to the mall once, well I could go on forever. He hasn't helped out otherwise. He's supposed to make supper once a week (as per an agreement with our therapist) and he hasn't done that yet. He does do dishes and he will throw in a load of laundry every now and them. But thats it. Period...I have to literally throw the bag of garbage at him to take it out. 

This week I am working 60 hours. We are going to a dinner on Saturday night with some friends. It is our responsibility to bring the dessert. I make everything by scratch (because preservatives make me feel yucky) so on my little time off, I have to make some desserts. I asked my husband what nights he was home so he could help me, and low and behold, we couldn't coordinate anything - I seriously think its because I used the words "can you help me?".

OOOOOHHHHH - I am mad today. I am trying to calm down before I head off to work, but I just can't seem to get this anger out of me. Just breather....venting makes it better though....thanks for listening!


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## R.J.

Oh my Kissjo. You are pissed today. Lol...haha. I'm not laughing at you're frustration, I swear. I just know how it feels to be so pissed that you're about to punch through the computer keys as you're typing. Lol. Anyhow, please let me clarify something. Chica basically forgave her husband for impregnating her without her consent. Therefore, I provided my perspective based on her forgiveness. Also, I feel that we can't think that what our spouses love is "stupid" just because we don't understand why they love it. Therefore, unfortunately if he loves to watch TV all of the time, then they should do that sometimes and if Chica loves to go dancing then her husband should take her. It can't be one-sided or it will never work. 

Don't get me wrong, I HATE HATE HATE the TV because my husband's ass stays glued to the couch to watch the darn thing from the moment he enters the house. Sometimes I wake up to find him sleeping in front of the TV while it's still on. UGH!!! However, if my husband was even a piece of a man who tried to make me happy, I'd watch that TV with him sometimes to make him happy as well. On the other hand, I can't recall the last thing he even tried to do to make me feel anything other than pissed off so needless to say I won't be watchin' anything with him.

Kissjo, I understand not having children with the leech. My husband will probably help with our child, but not financially. That'd be another financial obligation that would be 100% on me. On the other hand, I wouldn't dare go there because once my husband and I have divorced, I never want to have anything else to do with him and a child will lock him into my life forever.

Also Kissjo, you're actually telling me that your husband buys suits, watches, and liquor with his money, but refuses to pay bills?????? OMG, we'd be fighting EVERYDAY too!! WTF! He can look like a model out of the GQ magazine, but barely able to put food on the table. That's a mess. That's totally unfair to you. He gets to spend his money on what he wants to while you struggle with the bills and probably only able to get what you want when the dimes permit!!! Oh how I know about this!!!!

My husband and I don't share an account so I really don't know what's going on in there. For all I know, he has a billion dollars, but is saving it while I go broke trying to run our household. Also Kissjo, if you're truly uncomfortable in your marriage, it's probably a good thing you can't get your dream house wth your husband. I mean that with all do respect. Think about it, let's say you guys buy that dream house and things get so bad that you file for divorce. Well, you're gonna have to split that dream house that you PAID FOR. I think about this all of the time, which is why we're still renting. I'm 29 years old and is still renting. I don't care. I refuse to buy a home so that he could end up with it.

Another thing that I fear is my husband trying to get spousal support from me when we divorce. Can you imagine???

Anyhow, yesterday we had a horrible argument. I was on the phone with my sister when the argument started. The man hadn't spoken a word to me the entire day and as soon as I got on the phone he decided to try to hold conversations with me. He does this anytime I get on the phone. So I got really upset because I truly wanted to hear my sis' voice. I've been so lonely and miserable lately and I just wanted to talk. Well, I ended up telling him to wait until I got off the phone to say what he wanted to say. That's how the argument started. I told him for sure that I was leaving in April. He laughed and asked me if I thought he gave a damn. I started cyring because I was hurt that my sister witnessed my horrible life (I've tried my best to hide this for years), I cried because I'm even more convinced that he's using me, and I cried because I don't know what I did to deserve to be in such a shameful situation. He started laughing as if there's some things I just don't know. It was a sneaky laugh. I can't explain it, but the "laugh" said a 1000 words to me. Perhaps he's having an affair (although I haven't suspected it)...I don't know what that laugh meant. However I do know this, if I ever want to experience the joy of living I'd better get out of this situation or I will forever drown in my own misery.


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## kissjo

OH Rj....How terrible! I'm the same boat as you. No one in my family realizes how bad things are. I can't tell them the severity of it. They just won't understand. I have 3 sisters and a brother, and they all married out of convenience. 1 sister ended up with a really good guy, the other 2 sisters are with LOSERS - but at least they make good enough money to support their family. My brother is the black sheep of the family, divorced twice, but he doesn't really talk to us. Our parents are terrible people...you can't tell them anything without being judged. I've said to my husband before that I have no intention of staying in this situation. I told him that I could leave at any time...he said go ahead, but he gets to keep the house....WHAT???? I pay for the freaking thing. We live in a condo right now, we own, but we have completely separate finances for obvious reasons. When we first talked about getting a house, it was when things were better for us. But, as time has progressed, obviously things have gotten worse. I've been kind of more on the fence about building that house anyways lately, because as you said, it would be a disaster if we separated. 

I know a girl who has to pay $800/month in spousal support. If I had to pay support to my husband, I would leave the country...swear to God. He doesn't deserve one cent that I work hard for. I am lucky enough to have a degree in a career that allows me to work all over the world and I would utilize it to the fullest at that point.

I have a hard time believing that I am the only one with problems in my marriage when I am at work. Everyone seems so happy, giddy, in love with their significant others, and I just can't share those same sentiments. Is it a faux pas to talk about your failed marriage until its too late? Is is so wrong to talk about frustrations and anger? Because, really, I either stay out of the conversations completely, or I will play the devils advocate.

There are some girls at work who cannot wait to call their hubbys/BF on their breaks. They text them throughout their shift. They just seem so happy. There are some girls whose significant others bring them coffee for their night shifts, or will bring them supper. One guy brought the whole unit some coffee and donuts because he was thinking that his wife and the unit should have good night. Thats so thoughtful. I could NEVER imagine my husband doing anything like that. Not only would it disorganize his day, it would require him to spend money on someone other than himself. It would actually be a nice gesture, not a selfish gesture. It would show that he was thinking of me. It would show that he would go out of his way for me. But, no...he wouldn't do that. I can't even get him to make me coffee in the morning unless he is making one for himself first.

I have 3 really close friends that kind of know about what is going on. They all tell me that I should keep giving him a chance. He seems to have changed...they say. He loves you...they say. I am sick of hearing that. I just wish for once they would say "whatever you do, we'll support you". Its gotten to the point where I don't tell them anything anymore. I can't tell my family, I don't have other friends to talk about it...I am alone. I am bitterly and angrily alone when it comes to this. I am suffering inside. It has taken complete control of me and I don't know how much longer I can take it. Like I said earlier, it is affecting my health...so much so, that I have started to take sleeping pills just to get more than 2 hours of sleep at a time. I just want this frustration to end.


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## R.J.

You know Kissjo, my family have been suspecting things weren't right for a long time, but I just don't give them any details. I'm too embarassed. My family isn't a supportive family, nonetheless. They won't hold my hand through every step of the way which is why I feel like he's all I have. I only talk to my mom a few times per year. I have 1 sister and 2 brothers, all of which are younger than I am. I do keep in touch with them, but I wouldn't dare let them know what I'm going through. What type of message would I be sending, especially to my sister..."it's ok to stay in a poor marriage." The One person that loved me UNCONDITIONALLY was my Grandmother who passed away in April. This is still tearing my soul apart. I'm still not over it and fear I never will be. It hurts me to think she's watching this mess I'm in and begging God to help me. I know she's so unhappy to see what I'm going through, ya know? I'm gonna leave him for her, my siblings, and most of all for myself!

When I do leave if I have to pay spousal support, I'd quit my job! I swear! I refuse to pay for this deadbeat any longer. He has sucked me dry for years and you're telling me he'd be able get even more out of me even after we're no longer bound together??? WTF!!! I don't think so. His free money ends here! His "RJ" assistance program will come to an abrupt end. LOL

Some people play the role as if they're marriage is butterflies and pink roses, when in all actuality it may be bad. However, in some cases their marriage may actually be great. I find it difficult to believe that all marriages are as poor as mine. For those who are in a healthy loving marriage, I pray that it stays that way because that gives me hope. On the other hand Kissjo, I wouldn't even talk about my marital problems at work. You definitely don't want folks gossiping on your behalf. You're problems are REAL and are weighing down your quality of life. Folks would use that as a topic of discussion and that would piss you off. They'll be sympathetic in your face and some will be genuine, but who knows if they'll talk about your situation to others...I don't know. Kissjo, I wouldn't be irritated with your co-workers who want you to work out your marriage. They just want your marriage to survive, but don't understand what it's actually doing to you. On the other hand, I still wouldn't discuss it with them because they don't understand and it can be very frustrating when folks just don't get what you're going through.

I can only imagine how it must make you feel when other wives/girlfriends are running to call their partners...or husbands are bringing gifts or treats to their wives to make their day go better. Meanwhile, you're "thing" is at home doing whatever and not even wondering what would make you happy. TRUST ME I get it and I'm there with you. However just look at that this way, if and when you decide to move on with your life, you could find a spouse who'd love every inch of you. He'd bring you roses, coffee, chocolate, and whatever you like just to prove he loves you. Just look at what other husbands are doing and allow that to give you hope. ALL MEN AREN'T FULL OF CRAP. Some are loving and wonderful. Let that be inspiration for you to move on and find that love. Don't allow it to run you down. When my friend's husband calls her just to say I love you or to find out when she'd be home because he misses her, it made my heart melt. At first I'd tear up, but then I grew to genuinely be happy for her. She found true love and that's wonderful and special. It tells me that I cand find that love too, but 1st I must throw away the trash.

Kissjo, I've never met you before but I feel like you're my friend. I know that may sound weird, but I just feel like you actually understand my pain and not because of what you've heard or read, but instead experienced. I know how lonely you must feel. I feel the same way. I come home from work, clean up my husband, cook dinner, and then go to my room. Some nights I go to my sewing class because I've picked up a new hobby. I think what I'm trying to do is to learn how to continue to live my life while being alone. I TRULY think I'm preparing myself for April. This is exactly how my life will be in a few months, but the only difference is that there won't be anyone in the next room. I think that's going to be the scariest part. Being in this state, with no family and really no friends will be tough. However, I think I'm ready to go in full throttle. I owe it to myself.

You and I can talk anytime. If you want to just instant message so that we can chat real time, I'm totally open for that. It would be so nice to chat with someone who understands. I'm not trying to weird you out or anything. It's just a suggestion. Do they have chatrooms on this site??? Let me know your thoughts.


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## kissjo

RJ - sent you a PM....


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