# Nearing the end...



## Outshined (Sep 28, 2011)

Hi all. Married nearly 4 years now, with a three year old daughter and another on the way. My wife and I have grown apart, and my feelings for her as a partner are nearly dead. There are multiple issues we have been to counseling for, but the one, the "trigger" was when she admitted to me over a year ago that she had lunch with her ex, made out with him, spoke with him some more after that before meeting up again and then calling it off.

I'm pretty certain she didn't sleep with him, and she did ultimately confess to me what happened. However, I'm a very loyal person and this incident blew my mind coming from someone who vehemently "detested" liars and cheaters. I know people make mistakes, as I've made my share in life, but this happened in context of some other issues we had.

For one, we were barely married two years when this occurred. She's always struggled with weight problems, but during this time period she lost a lot of weight and looked amazing. However, getting her to be intimate with me or sleep with me was like pulling teeth. I knew this was a problem for her even before we were married. She always seems uncomfortable with it and/or distracted.

I brought this issue up on multiple, multiple occasions before and after we were married and she knew how important it was to me. Even so, she would make an effort to try and be interested in me once a month, if that, and then even then it would taper off again for a couple months.

The frustration of being rejected 9 times out of 10 eventually shut me down. I stopped trying to sleep with her, and I even stopped being cute and touching her because it simply wasn't reciprocated. Even when she wanted to hug or cuddle on the couch, she was silly about it. Looking back I would characterize it as just being immature.

We also had communication problems. My wife doesn't like long conversations over single topics. When we talk, she wants to get to the point, changes the subject or just responds with things like, "Oh cool", "Wow that's interesting" before being immediately distracted. Yes, she has some sort of ADD issue apparently!

That too I tried talking to her about, but despite the fact she knew we had these issues to work on, she never took them seriously enough to meet me halfway. When you're trying to talk to your wife about something important, and she's half-texting, half-listening to you, it obviously makes you feel marginalized and insignificant. So as with the intimacy, I eventually stopped sharing important things with her.

After she admitted to her hooking up with her ex, I immediately went into "duty mode". I told her I wouldn't divorce her over that, we'll work through it, etc. Without getting into details, I already kinda had a gut instinct something had happened before she confessed to me, so when she did it wasn't a total shock. So I was prepared to move forward.

However, from that moment forward I was basically just existing in a very unsatisfying relationship. The intimacy and sex was gone, the communication wasn't anything more than day-to-day things, and I never got over her fling (which was my fault for not addressing it sooner). This scenario simmered like this for over a year until I just shut down completely and wanted out.

She was blindsided by the whole thing, which I could understand because I went through the motions of being a present husband. But I also felt it wasn't a total blindside because I had brought up my two main issues over and over again (intimacy and communication), and she never took it seriously.

I'm a rational person but I can be irrational too, so I agreed to go to counseling and talk to our priest. My parents went through a divorce that my mom regrets, and if I seriously wanted a divorce I never want to look back with regret. Or at the very least, know that I tried everything I could have at the time to make it work.

So counseling revealed some good things. I needed to communicate more, and I was wrong to not properly confront my feelings about her and her ex. I also needed to do more on my end to spice things up, give her flowers, be spontaneous, leave little notes, etc. (which I've never been great at doing).

The counseling also helped in that I finally felt like was listening to the fact I had some serious issues with our intimacy and communication. At that point, we now understood our problems and were able to move forward and try and repair things. We had a date night every Friday, we spent more time together at home instead of her watching TV (and me writing books in the other room), and generally tried to engage each other more.

This went on for a couple months. However, I had this feeling that she was really forcing herself to be interested in my conversations. As soon as we were done, or when she wanted to be done, she was looking for the remote control.

She also wanted another baby so I always had in the back of my mind that she was only interested in sleeping with me now because she was trying to get pregnant. Not because she wanted to. Which was the case for most of our marriage. The only time she wanted to have regular sex was when she wanted to be pregnant, so I felt used in the fact that she didn't care about when I wanted to sleep with her, but now that she wanted to get pregnant, it better happen.

In the few months after we were married, the sex tapered off again. I kept bringing this up but she brushed it off as usual, "I know, I'm bad with that, I need to work on it, etc." but she never did. When she wanted to get pregnant, suddenly she wanted to sleep with me all the time. One night I told her "No, you don't sleep with me when I want to so why should I now?"

She became so angry and irate with me, I didn't even know who this person was! She was ovulating, so felt that we HAD to have sex tonight or that was it. After trying to reason and talk with her for awhile I finally gave in, trying to be the good, considerate husband.

Where I'm at now? Dead emotionally. I feel spent and taken advantage of. I trust her, but I don't respect her. I have no animosity towards her but the idea of being with her ten years from now, when sex and intimacy and communication will really be testing us, makes me shiver! We started off the marriage with some major, core issues that I don't believe can be resolved now.

For me, her thing with her ex was the ultimate disrespect. I had given her everything and put my all into the marriage by that point, and despite the fact I had shut down intimately with her (and communication-wise), I still felt happy and loved her and had no consideration of leaving her at all.

Her and I can have fun together and get along, but as a married couple who should be sharing everything, it isn't going to happen. We're both independent people. She doesn't reflect on life as I do, she is always looking ahead and forward. She doesn't live in the moment, but has "whats next" on her mind 24/7. Even in counseling, the counselor had to slow her down because she couldn't focus on my conversation, jumping instead 6 months down the line OR immediately referring back to herself as if I wasn't speaking.

I'm not 100% sure why I'm posting this all here right now. I know I'm trying everything so I feel in my heart I'm making the right decision. I can't even bring myself to try anymore, which is the sad part. I won't stay with her because of the kids because I've seen marriages like that, and they set miserable examples for them.

During our counseling "recovery" where we were dating again and trying to make things work, my wife got pregnant. It wasn't planned and just happened, and as a man I've been feeling pretty depressed at the idea that we are likely facing divorce before the baby is even born. I'm a loving father and my daughter is the best thing in my life, and will always be there for her no matter what, and the new baby.

However, from the outside I will probably look like a total scumbag that I would even consider leaving my family at this point, especially with my wife being pregnant. I'm in no rush to go anywhere, and I have nowhere to particularly go. My family is 3000 miles away as I moved for a job to where I am years ago. I have friends in the area and my job. Most of my closer friends out here are my wife's friends.

I have nothing to gain from this divorce other than the knowledge that I'm doing the right thing in the long-run. Not only for myself, but for my wife. She deserves someone who will love her, and I deserve someone who will respect and truly care about me.

My wife remarked to me the other day, "Well you can get your freedom now." I told her it wasn't about freedom, it was about finding the truth.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I"m so sorry to hear you are going through this. Many emotions going on, and hopefully it has helped you to be able to share this?

At this point, if you are no willing to try, and have made up your mind to leave, you should not worry about what others will think of you. Your friends and family will understand, or they won't. It's none of their business, anyways. 
However, maybe you do still want to give it one last try, since you are here and reading and wanting to share. 

Sometimes marriage is a lesson in "not finding the right person" but learning to "love who you are with". Life lessons that can be learned...people change, things happen. that is a given. Finding the perfect person is perfect for only a certain amount of time. then what? They gain weight, they get old, they might have an accident, develop a disease. It takes maturity to accept a person for [who they are_ at this time in their life.

Although I am not yet able to do this myself, I do understand what this means. Learning to love the NEW person in your life. Or choosing not to. 

Forgiveness is for both of you. If you forgive her, then you are FREE. You will no longer carry it around with you, and take it to your next relationship. 

I hope you are able to find some peace _


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