# My unfaithful husband not agreeing to divorce



## reesemiller30 (Nov 14, 2015)

In September, I found out that my husband has been having an affair for the last 4 years. I am devastated. We have been married for 13 years and have 2 beautiful children together (a 10 year old and an 8 year old).

I lived my entire life in South Florida, where all of my family and lifelong friends are still living. In 2012, my husband got a job offer in Los Angeles and I agreed to move here so that he could have the opportunity to advance his career. He had been unhappy at his previous job for quite some time. So we moved to LA in 2012 and have been here since. It has been difficult being away from family.

In September, I discovered my husband has been having an affair with a woman he used to work with in Florida. To make matters worse, this affair started while we were living in Florida and the woman moved to Los Angeles 2 months after we did and they continued the affair. I feel completely betrayed after having sacrificed so much for my husband. This sumer when I was back east with my kids visiting family, my husband actually took this other woman to a work function as his date (a work function where he was one of the speakers!). He has completely humiliated me. He also invited her to spend the night at our house and invited her on a weekend to Las Vegas (he told me he was going with friends). They didn't end up going on the trip, but they may as well have.

I also discovered extremely inappropriate text messages to a girl he went to college with (20 + years ago!). 

When I was pregnant with my daughter (8 1/2 years ago), I discovered inappropriate emails to yet another woman. He was away on a work trip one time and she was also on the same trip. I looked at his cell phone bill and saw that he had called her at midnight when they were both in the same city. He was unable to explain to me why he had called her. I told him back then (March 2007) that if I ever saw anything like that again, it would be the end for us.

Our marriage wasn't perfect and we did have some issues that we should have worked on. However, I now feel that the marriage is completely over and I have no desire to reconcile. My husband says he will not give up on our marriage, but my feeling is that he gave up on our marriage when he started his affair. I am depressed and very worried that he is going to drag this divorce out as long as possible. I'm worried about what it will do to the kids.

He is trying to convince me that he is sorry, but I don't believe him especially since he was able to carry this affair on for so long and not show an ounce of guilt. I feel that if I hadn't found out and confronted him, he would still be carrying on with this woman.

I don't want to reconcile. I can't even stand to look at him. He keeps making me feel guilty about the kids and telling he how many couples "thrive" after an affair. I feel that our situation is very unique in the sacrifices I made for him/his career, the length of his affair and the fact that he has been inappropriately texting other women. 

Just trying to get through day to day - he is still living with us and the kids know nothing.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I think you are obviously within your rights to want a divorce; I would if I were in your shoes (although I'm a man, if that matters).
However, I don't think your situation is unique; there are many others on this board who have been through just as much.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Reese,

Do you work?

I'm so sorry you are here. You have been betrayed in a HUGE way. At this point, are you thinking you're going to stay in L.A. because of the kids? Do you two own a home? 

I feel really angry for you after reading that . And I'm wondering how many women he's slept with over the years, and if any of them have given birth during that time.

Have you been tested for STDs?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

technovelist said:


> I think you are obviously within your rights to want a divorce; I would if I were in your shoes (although I'm a man, if that matters).
> However, I don't think your situation is unique; there are many others on this board who have been through just as much.


I don't know....moving all the way across the country for him in the middle of the affair really adds a layer for me! :FIREdevil:


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

@reesemiller30,

Your husband has proven to be a pig and you know this in your heart of hearts because you just don't want to be with him any more. It appears he has disrespected you through out your marriage and you were more than generous in giving him chances. You don't need his permission to divorce him and you have nothing to feel guilty about. Expose his affair to everyone you know, so they understand why you are leaving him and then file for divorce. Move forward and don't look back, you deserve better.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

I think most people would completely understand your desire for divorce! This man has been a sham of a husband for at least more than half your marriage. It's easy for him to say he never gave up on his marriage when he never really seems to have been in it much in the first place.

Tell him you'll consider reconciliation if he agrees to move back to Florida, because you need your friends and family to support you while you cope with what he's done. His reaction will tell you a LOT about where he prioritizes his marriage in and among his job and the other women. If he does agree, get the kids re-established there, and file for divorce.

Make sure you understand how each state handles divorce though. Some are crueler than others. There may be advantages to staying in Cali for the divorce.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Divorce do not pass GO send him straight to divorce JAIL!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## reesemiller30 (Nov 14, 2015)

Thank you for your responses. I feel like I'm losing my mind some days.

I have not yet been tested for STDs, but will be making an appointment to see my doctor. 

Almost ten years ago, I stopped working when my son was 1 year old so that I could raise the kids. We do not own a house, we are renting. 

I do not think I will be able to move back to Florida unless my husband agrees to move as well. The courts try to do what is best for the kids and they think that having a relationship with both parents is best for the kids. I also want what is best for the kids, so if staying in LA is what's best for them, then that is what will happen. There is something in California called a Move Away Order, but they get psychologists involved with the kids and I'm not willing to put them through that kind of ordeal.

It is a very strange reality I'm now living. Looking at my husband who I thought I knew, but actually had no idea who he was is very difficult to come to terms with.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Use your anger emotion(you'll have plenty of it)right now to get the courage to go straight to divorce. Don't stop or slow it down for anything. Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

reesemiller30 said:


> I do not think I will be able to move back to Florida unless my husband agrees to move as well. The courts try to do what is best for the kids and they think that having a relationship with both parents is best for the kids. I also want what is best for the kids, so if staying in LA is what's best for them, then that is what will happen. There is something in California called a Move Away Order, but they get psychologists involved with the kids and I'm not willing to put them through that kind of ordeal.


I'm not a lawyer, so don't take what I'm about to say too seriously. I'm the kind of person that would take the kids and go back to Florida and then have the State of California try to extradite us. I might even go to Florida and then file for divorce there, force him come to you. Time for you to stop thinking like a "nice guy" and start to roast his testicles.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Of course he's "not giving up on you". He has everything he wants: a wife to do for him and to provide convenient sex, kids to enjoy, and wh0res on the side. That's the marriage he wants and has so why would he want to give that up?

And it's clear by his attitude he thinks of you as a doormat. 


Your kids are exposed to a man who treats their mother like crap and that WILL affect them. I'd move back to Florida with your family. ....his wh0res are clearly more important then his kids.

Who cares what he wants? File for divorce and move to Florida; let him fight to force you back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

reesemiller30 said:


> Thank you for your responses. I feel like I'm losing my mind some days.
> 
> I have not yet been tested for STDs, but will be making an appointment to see my doctor.
> 
> ...


What you're feeling is so normal. Keep posting. You'll get a lot of support here <3.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

reesemiller30 said:


> In September, I found out that my husband has been having an affair for the last 4 years. I am devastated. We have been married for 13 years and have 2 beautiful children together (a 10 year old and an 8 year old).
> 
> I lived my entire life in South Florida, where all of my family and lifelong friends are still living. In 2012, my husband got a job offer in Los Angeles and I agreed to move here so that he could have the opportunity to advance his career. He had been unhappy at his previous job for quite some time. So we moved to LA in 2012 and have been here since. It has been difficult being away from family.
> 
> ...


OK, so he wants to reconcile...

Has he started looking for a new job yet?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

The Middleman said:


> I'm not a lawyer, so don't take what I'm about to say too seriously. I'm the kind of person that would take the kids and go back to Florida and then have the State of California try to extradite us. I might even go to Florida and then file for divorce there, force him come to you. Time for you to stop thinking like a "nice guy" and start to roast his testicles.


Well, they are in Cali.

Why not wait until the marriage hits the 10-year mark and THEN file?



ETA: Just saw that they've been married for 13 years.

It's time to file.

:smthumbup:

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband doesn't want a divorce?

Oh, dear. That's too bad for him.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Reese, once your husband finds out how bad Cali Divorce law is for *HIM* he will be happy that you move away to Florida where the cost of living is less.. 

He will learn to be a summertime parent.. Get him a few books on it.. Good fvcking luck to him..

He is TOTALLY on the losing end here.. 

Talk to a lawyer and find out what the laws there allow you.. I am sure once you see the numbers you will be okay with it...

The courts will see your support system is in Florida and they will not have an issue with you going back to Florida.. But you need a good and clear story why..

EG I spoke with all of my family, here are notarized letters from them stating they will support me and my kids and help me out with daycare and school issues while I go back to Florida University to study to be a Nurse.. It is a 4 year program and it will allow me to sustain me and my children financially.. 

Once the judge see's you have a real and reasonable plan.. They will be more understanding to letting you leave.. Plus you will definitely be able to toss in that cost of living is cheaper in Florida than L.A. Again photos of homes to rent for cheaper than L.A. rent for a tiny apartment..


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

He is a serial cheater, the worse kind. He can't stay with one women and he does not care about anyone but himself. You don't matter and his children don't matter. Tell him he is the one who valued having orgasms more than his children not you. He should feel guilty.

Staying married has nothing to do with you or your children. If he cared about his children he would not serial cheat. Having a wife is convenient. You are a housekeeper, cook, interact with his family, sex when he is around and he sees the children when it suits him. You are an asset to him. Also, D will be costly to him and his family and friends will find out who he really is. 

Feel guilty about even considering keeping this man around as an example for your children. D or live the rest of your life with a man who cares so little that he humiliates and hurts you so he can live like a single man.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> I'm not a lawyer, so don't take what I'm about to say too seriously. I'm the kind of person that would take the kids and go back to Florida and then have the State of California try to extradite us. I might even go to Florida and then file for divorce there, force him come to you. Time for you to stop thinking like a "nice guy" and start to roast his testicles.


Can't do that. It's felony child stealing. I know, I've been through it (as a complainant). Such a move would likely not end well for her.

She can try to petition the court for custody, and get permission to move to Florida, but without his consent, it would be pretty unlikely. Judges don't care one bit about the infidelity of a parent when it comes to deciding custody issues. A bad husband or wife does not necessarily make for a bad parent. They do care about the children having access to both parents, as that is in the best interest of the child.

Her best bet is to see if he'll agree to move back to Florida, then hit him with divorce papers. My guess is though, he will have none of it, and wants to stay close to his side piece. But I would discuss all options and thoughts with a lawyer ASAP. Maybe things have changed, and she'd have a shot at it.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> I'm not a lawyer, so don't take what I'm about to say too seriously. I'm the kind of person that would take the kids and go back to Florida and then have the State of California try to extradite us. I might even go to Florida and then file for divorce there, force him come to you. Time for you to stop thinking like a "nice guy" and start to roast his testicles.


From divorce standpoint she is most likely better off filing in California given the extremely generous laws they have. At this point given the depth of his lies and length I wouldn't trust him to move to a different state for a job or a new start then file.

He doesn't have to agree to divorce for you to file, he can fight it all he wants but once the paperwork is filed there is very little he can do and that only delays the inevitable.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

He doesn't have to agree to anything. Just make an appointment to see your Attorney and let him / her take care of the rest.

I'm sorry, OP, but this man is so untrustworthy I won't insult you by even suggesting that you consider reconciliation.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

File to divorce in California. You have hit the 10 year mark. He will pay you alimony for a lifetime!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

RM30, your WH is a serial cheater and has abused your goodness and trust long enough, glad you have no qualms about divorcing him. Please let all your family, friends, his family friends know what he has done, he needs to have a come to Jesus moment this man not to save the marriage but to do what is best for his kids.

Right now he cares little about anyone except himself. YOu need to contact a lawyer and ask for advice of what your next move should be so that you do not jeopardise your own and kids future. If possible move back home to Florida and let him deal with the commute, maybe it would be good to go for a break to clear your head, cry on familial shoulders and come back ready for action (after you have seen the lawyer).

Is it possible to sue to OW for alienation of affection, in some countries that can be done and in this case I would do it, this woman has a nerve moving locations to destroy someone else's family. Remember what goes around comes around ......always.


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## reesemiller30 (Nov 14, 2015)

Thank you so much for all of your responses. My friends and family are biased toward me and his friends and family are biased toward him, so it is very nice to be able to come to this forum and get the advice of people that do not know either of us and can speak frankly without worrying bias.

I'm sorry I was not clear - I have filed for divorce and he was served over 2 weeks ago. He has not responded and was very evasive yesterday when I asked him if he had hired an attorney. He has made it clear that he's "not giving up" and I'm mostly worried that he will drag this on as long as possible. He is not moving out of the house. It is an extremely stressful/upsetting situation. It is difficult to pretend nothing is wrong in front of the kids and have to see him every day, acting as if everything is normal.

I would very much like to move back to Florida, but need to discuss that with my attorney (we will be meeting this week). I also want to be sure that I don't do something that would be harmful to my children by removing them from their dad and the friends they have made here over the last few years. They are my main focus and I need to their best interests ahead of my desires. 

From what I have learned, California courts do not care that a spouse was not faithful. However, I feel as if I agreed to move here under false pretenses and that should count for something. But I don't think it will have any bearing on the court and I am scared to bring it up because I don't want to look like the bitter wife trying to get back at her cheating husband, because that is not my motivation for going back to Florida. Ideally, he would move too so that he can continue to have a relationship with the kids.

Thank you again for all of your thoughts and encouragement.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

He's a damn serial cheater. No hope.

Take control and dump him. 

Go full steam ahead and don't look back. Now!!!

Don't ever waiver, let up, etc.

Go full no contact unless you absolutely have to. Then only respond with yes, no and as little wording as possible.

When he whines, begs, cries with snot dripping out of his nose just think of all the women he's had sex with and put ahead of you.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Another thing that might help is expose all his cheating and just say you can no longer take a chance of him infecting you with a STD. That low life POS like him end up with.

Blow it to tiny pieces so everyone knows there is no chance of this marriage continuing. Especially his family. They don't give a damn about you only their little POS boy.

Maybe that'll make him give up and move faster

Men like this are stupid and you have to make sure he understands there is NO HOPE!!!! 2x4 across the head so he gets it.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

I don't want to reconcile. I can't even stand to look at him. He keeps making me feel guilty about the kids and telling he how many couples "thrive" after an affair. 

Thrive huh?!

Tell him OK so for the next two years I'm gonna go screw who ever I want, when ever I want so or marriage will really thrive. How bout that Honey Bear?!

But I'm one who will shove that crap down a betrayers throat. And do just that. I'd be done too.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Very few states DO care if a spouse was unfaithful. But many here seem to know that CA laws will favor you. Follow the advice of your attorney. Your kids are probably picking up on the vibes in the house. Your attorney may be able to force him to leave somehow. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to pretend every day. (((HUGS TO YOU)))

Focus on the business end of things for now to help. Take photos of the contents of your home, make copies of the most recent financial statements, taxes, bank statements, etc. 

I think what is best for the kids and for you is going back to where you have the support. Since you grew up in FL I'm guessing there are grandparents (both sides?) aunts/uncles/cousins as well as childhood friends, etc. That is a huge support system and one can argue the kids have MORE family in FL than in CA - does that trump fatherhood? I think you could easily be allowed to relocate and keep the kids. They'll have to visit Dad over the holidays and spend summers or vacation time. Be sure to facilitate regular phone calls/face time, share school work and grades, send packages with artwork, etc. to him. There are lots of ways to be sure he's in their lives in a real way.

Best of luck.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I once read that being an ex-husband in California was like being a field hand after the Civil War, which is appropriate because this is war. You should get everything you can.


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## intuitionoramiwrong (Mar 18, 2014)

reesemiller30 said:


> Thank you so much for all of your responses. My friends and family are biased toward me and his friends and family are biased toward him, so it is very nice to be able to come to this forum and get the advice of people that do not know either of us and can speak frankly without worrying bias.
> 
> I'm sorry I was not clear - I have filed for divorce and he was served over 2 weeks ago. He has not responded and was very evasive yesterday when I asked him if he had hired an attorney. He has made it clear that he's "not giving up" and I'm mostly worried that he will drag this on as long as possible. He is not moving out of the house. It is an extremely stressful/upsetting situation. It is difficult to pretend nothing is wrong in front of the kids and have to see him every day, acting as if everything is normal.
> 
> ...


One of the most level headed posts I've seen on here. You're doing great. It's going to be a long road, but putting your kids first is a great choice. Hang in there.


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## txcouple903 (Sep 29, 2012)

I'm going through a divorce right now and yes you can get a divorce without his approval. I got legal aid so I'm not paying for anything. I have temporary custody from my children and I'm working on getting full custody. We were married 12 years and she was always unfaithful and blamed it on depression. I left her on May 9th 2015 and my children are happier. They understand that she isn't good for them the way she is now. Right now she has a boyfriend who is useless. He has no job and he can't even see his own children. Two of her roommates (are couple ) are moving out which I expected. The crap she was pulling was obvious, telling everyone I turned her children against her. I have done everything in my power to reassure my children their mother loves them but they can see for themselves that it's not the same love I have. They understand that they will have to be around her and her boyfriend until they turn 12. They have experienced her controlling and Manipulative deeds first hand when she guilt tripped them into meeting her boyfriend by saying he had to sleep on a bunch at Walmart. So they ended up having to put up with him and she made them all sleep in the same bed as them. None of them appreciated that and they begged me to come get them 4 days earlier. They ended up staying one night and a afternoon instead of 5 nights. This happened the week before court and because she broke the temporary court order not to have members of the opposite sex around our children I got temporary custody. She also didn't show up for court and blames me for it. Now she has supervised visitation and many other restrictions on her because of that. I have won half the battle but she is pushing me to let her have our children 4 days a week which I don't agree with. I want our children to have stability and to have a home. Going back and forth every week will not provide that to them. She also isn't the best mommy in the world which my children have begged me not to let them be around her without me and they definitely don't like her boyfriend. It's a tough battle but in the end it's for my children. I love my wife with all my heart but I have to put my children first.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Divinely Favored said:


> I don't want to reconcile. I can't even stand to look at him. He keeps making me feel guilty about the kids and telling he how many couples "thrive" after an affair.
> 
> Thrive huh?!
> 
> ...


Actually he is wrong.

What CAN thrive after an affair are those cute little STD germs...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

You stated your M wasn't perfect and you had some issues that you needed to work on. What things were you doing wrong that may have led to infidelity?


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## Popcorn2015 (Sep 10, 2015)

technovelist said:


> I once read that being an ex-husband in California was like being a field hand after the Civil War, which is appropriate because this is war. You should get everything you can.


Just to be clear here... she's going to "do well" in the CA divorce because she's the woman and he's the man. It has nothing to do with cheating; if she were the cheater and he the betrayed spouse, he would get worked over by the divorce just as badly.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Popcorn2015 said:


> Just to be clear here... she's going to "do well" in the CA divorce because she's the woman and he's the man. It has nothing to do with cheating; if she were the cheater and he the betrayed spouse, he would get worked over by the divorce just as badly.


Yes, of course.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> You stated your M wasn't perfect and you had some issues that you needed to work on. What things were you doing wrong that may have led to infidelity?


I get what your saying.. But I think saying she may have led him to cheating isn't the best approach..

Here is my simple answer.. Beyond cheating herself. .IF she decided not to fvck him again.. His simple comment and answer is.. 

Babe, I need to get laid.. I would rather do it with you but if not.. Not a problem.. I don't want to cheat so lets get a divorce..

Withholding sex is breaking the rules of a marriage..

But honestly there just isn't an excuse to cheat.. Granted He probably smart enough to know he will be raked over the coals so its easier to keep her and just cheat on the side and hope not to get caught..

Which he failed at and now he is really gonna see how it is to be fvcked..


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> You stated your M wasn't perfect and you had some issues that you needed to work on. What things were you doing wrong that may have led to infidelity?


Well why don't you offer what you did to cause your wife to cheat? I thought it was the manta of TAM that the betrayed is never at fault. 

Only for betrayed men I guess.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## reesemiller30 (Nov 14, 2015)

Thanks again for your responses. 

The issues we were having in our marriage were mostly related to intimacy. I had never denied my husband sex, but we had both stopped initiating sex with any frequency. At one point my husband said that he thought neither one of us was attracted to the other. I think he really meant to say that he was not attracted to me - or my body type, specifically. I am very active and have a typical athletic body (translation = small boobs). He had asked me several times (verbally and via email) to get breast implants and I did not do it for a couple of reasons. First, my breasts are very dense and it is hard to get a clear read on my mammograms. So I always have to go for ultrasounds in addition to mammograms. Implants would make it even more difficult to get clear readings. Second, I feel that I look pretty decent for my age and having 2 kids and I don't think I should have to surgically alter my body for someone else.

I also feel that part of the reason he was not interested in me anymore was because he had his girlfriend on the side and, in addition to seeing her, they were constantly texting each other links to pornographic videos. 

So, yes, I will say that I could have worked on some things on my end, but others I feel would have been hopeless unless I got implants and he never had an affair.

What bothers me most isn't even that he had sex with someone else - it is that he was able to systematically lie to me for so many years. Since I found out about this on my own, I read a lot of text messages between them and I will never forget those messages. It's just too much for me.

I just re-read my post and feel that it may be TMI. I will post it anyway and hope no one is offended!


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> You stated your M wasn't perfect and you had some issues that you needed to work on. What things were you doing wrong that may have led to infidelity?


This is at least the 3rd time I've seen you make a post like this on a woman's thread when her husband is cheating on her. I'm beginning to think you live under a bridge.


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## reesemiller30 (Nov 14, 2015)

PS Thanks Hardtohandle, lifeistooshort and soccermom2three for calling out Keanu.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

soccermom2three said:


> This is at least the 3rd time I've seen you make a post like this on a woman's thread when her husband is cheating on her. I'm beginning to think you live under a bridge.


FWIW, he does it BHs as well as BWs.

Whatever he is, he's all about equal opportunity.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

reesemiller30 said:


> Thanks again for your responses.
> 
> The issues we were having in our marriage were mostly related to intimacy. I had never denied my husband sex, but we had both stopped initiating sex with any frequency. At one point my husband said that he thought neither one of us was attracted to the other. I think he really meant to say that he was not attracted to me - or my body type, specifically. I am very active and have a typical athletic body (translation = small boobs). He had asked me several times (verbally and via email) to get breast implants and I did not do it for a couple of reasons. First, my breasts are very dense and it is hard to get a clear read on my mammograms. So I always have to go for ultrasounds in addition to mammograms. Implants would make it even more difficult to get clear readings. Second, I feel that I look pretty decent for my age and having 2 kids and *I don't think I should have to surgically alter my body for someone else.*
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Reese,

I've been waiting for the 'punchline' on the catalyst for his affairs. 

1. Plenty of guys will find you super hot AS IS. It is really ugly for a man to marry a woman and then demand she have plastic surgery to be desirable to him. 
2. If he truly wasn't attracted to you, he shouldn't have married you. 

Hold your head high, you handled this clean from the get go. 

As for the kids, they are lucky to have you as a mom. 





reesemiller30 said:


> Thanks again for your responses.
> 
> The issues we were having in our marriage were mostly related to intimacy. I had never denied my husband sex, but we had both stopped initiating sex with any frequency. At one point my husband said that he thought neither one of us was attracted to the other. I think he really meant to say that he was not attracted to me - or my body type, specifically. I am very active and have a typical athletic body (translation = small boobs). He had asked me several times (verbally and via email) to get breast implants and I did not do it for a couple of reasons. First, my breasts are very dense and it is hard to get a clear read on my mammograms. So I always have to go for ultrasounds in addition to mammograms. Implants would make it even more difficult to get clear readings. Second, I feel that I look pretty decent for my age and having 2 kids and I don't think I should have to surgically alter my body for someone else.
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

reesemiller30 said:


> Thank you so much for all of your responses. My friends and family are biased toward me and his friends and family are biased toward him, so it is very nice to be able to come to this forum and get the advice of people that do not know either of us and can speak frankly without worrying bias..


Does his family know about all his infidelity? If my son did that to his wife, I'd be kicking his sorry behind! 



reesemiller30 said:


> I'm sorry I was not clear - I have filed for divorce and he was served over 2 weeks ago. He has not responded and was very evasive yesterday when I asked him if he had hired an attorney. He has made it clear that he's "not giving up" and I'm mostly worried that he will drag this on as long as possible. He is not moving out of the house. It is an extremely stressful/upsetting situation. It is difficult to pretend nothing is wrong in front of the kids and have to see him every day, acting as if everything is normal.


Has your lawyer given you any idea of how to get him out of the house?

Do you have any records of how much money he as spent on his affair for things like dates, trips, gifts, etc? In Cali you can ask for that amount to be added to the overall community assets or to be compensated for some portion.. half or more. While Cali is a no fault state, you can still use the 'wasting community assets' part of the law.

Of course he does not want a divorce. He's going to get hit hard with child support and alimony. There is now an expectation in Cali for the non-earner spouse to be become self supporting. I do not recall the name of he rule. So down the line, if you do nothing or very little to become self supporting he can sue back to stop or seriously reduce alimony. But you will have at least a few years to get any education you need to get back into the workforce. 

There might be life long alimony but he could get it reduced once you have income or if you do not try to become self supporting.





reesemiller30 said:


> I would very much like to move back to Florida, but need to discuss that with my attorney (we will be meeting this week). I also want to be sure that I don't do something that would be harmful to my children by removing them from their dad and the friends they have made here over the last few years. They are my main focus and I need to their best interests ahead of my desires.
> 
> From what I have learned, California courts do not care that a spouse was not faithful. However, I feel as if I agreed to move here under false pretenses and that should count for something. But I don't think it will have any bearing on the court and I am scared to bring it up because I don't want to look like the bitter wife trying to get back at her cheating husband, because that is not my motivation for going back to Florida. Ideally, he would move too so that he can continue to have a relationship with the kids.
> 
> Thank you again for all of your thoughts and encouragement.


In California, income, assets and debt are considered community. So you could get half the debt. Is your attorney arguing that he needs to take all debt because you have no means to pay it?


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> FWIW, he does it BHs as well as BWs.
> 
> Whatever he is, he's all about equal opportunity.


Well, except members have been banned in the past for even hinting that it might be the betrayed spouse's fault for the infidelity. I'm not sure why he gets a free pass.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

soccermom2three said:


> Well, except members have been banned in the past for even hinting that it might be the betrayed spouse's fault for the infidelity. I'm not sure why he gets a free pass.


I don't know that I've ever seen that happen. Well... unless, of course, the person doing the "hinting" was being especially d*ckheaded about it.

Of course I'm speaking very generally... you might have a specific banning in mind.

Anyway, while it's true that a lot of @MAJDEATH's commentary regarding marriage, infidelity, reconciliation, divorce, or whatever seem to come in like an underhanded pitch from the 3rd base coach, I don't read them as being _intentionally_ berating or demeaning.

Honestly, my impression of him (and much of what he contributes here) is that a) he feels that some significant deficiencies on his own part led to his wife's affairs, and b) that self-deprecating rhetoric is the lens through which his personal POV w/ respect to many threads involving infidelity is focused.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> FWIW, he does it BHs as well as BWs.
> 
> Whatever he is, he's all about equal opportunity.


He suffers from 'foot in mouth' disease
He inherited this trait from his ancestors
He does not believe that infidelity happens regardless or how good or bad the BS was in the marriage


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

reesemiller30 said:


> In September, I found out that my husband has been having an af
> I don't want to reconcile. I can't even stand to look at him. He keeps making me feel guilty about the kids and telling he how many couples "thrive" after an affair. I feel that our situation is very unique in the sacrifices I made for him/his career, the length of his affair and the fact that he has been inappropriately texting other women.
> 
> Just trying to get through day to day - he is still living with us and the kids know nothing.


Sad you feel like he can't talk to other women....

But w/ regards to the marriage sounds like you made up your mind.
Clearly he wandered and it is unlikely you're willing to take steps to fix that, and unlikely the two of you communicate well enough to get to the bottom of the driving influences for that behavior.

But yes you stuck gold, Caliafornica is a State which thinks mothers get free financial ride on whoever is stupid enough to marry/impregnate them. This works in well with your divorce plans.

now that crap is out of the way - the most important stuff for the whole family.
GTFO of the house. He won't move? then you move.
Hanging around is toxic for everyone, pull that sticky plaster off now. Start moving on with your new lives.

You know what you want (or don't want) - if you change your mind in 5 yrs , then that's 5 yrs down the road and you can act of it then. otherwise I guarantee you, 5 years in pseudo-marriage gritting your teeth everything he's around? Things will not improve.

If you don't want to tell kids about affair? lie. or just say what is needed - that you care very much but things aren't working out and you want to get away before arguments and nastiness occurs.

Learn to budget, learn to earn. When the kids have grown up, statistically most men, despite paying support etc, have more money & resources than the women. This is simply because the man learns to live of less, he has to; and the women live for lifestyle and things they see as important, often beyond their immediate spare income (they spend what they can afford, not only what they should). sometimes its a guilt thing, so your children don't miss out - but they will survive. and if you teach them good values and good budgeting habits they will also thrive.

But the best move you can make, since you've made up your mind you don't want this relationship, is start the process for both of you to start on your new lives. now. Why would you wait? you think it's *his* responsibility to make your life work?? to make the right decisions for you? to take the good or appropriate initiatives? ... if you do...that's probably why he had an affair because he was making all his choices, and you were being a dependent. But it's not his responsibility, is it? Your life and your choices are up to you - time to do it. Time to make sure your children know to carpe diem.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> soccermom2three said:
> 
> 
> > Well, except members have been banned in the past for even hinting that it might be the betrayed spouse's fault for the infidelity. I'm not sure why he gets a free pass.
> ...


Gus is spot on. I know that abandoning my W (and being a jerk) led to an A. Not an excuse, because she still had to participate. With the OP, there are 2 sides to every story, and often on TAM we receive a detailed description of the WS activities, but the BS action are often "glossed over" or minimized, inadvertently I'll bet. 

Lack of proper intimacy could be a big contributing factor. But I'll bet the future story to be told as to why she divorced will be "He cheated so I had to file for divorce". Whenever I hear that statement from family, friends, co-workers, and even new acquaintances I always respond with "So why did he/she cheat, what led to that?" Often the answer is not very clear.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Wow four years. The time span alone is grounds, for see ya papers. Taking a person other than your wife, to a work function, this man has no shame. An absolute tool. Your wording is right total betrayal and humiliation. I'm about reconciliation when it's an EA, but a PA with four years on it, walk hon. Don't stay knowing what you know. I hear a lot of self respect from you. Use it, the kids will be ok. It's also about you, being ok and happy, you've earned that. Good luck.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

spotthedeaddog said:


> Sad you feel like he can't talk to other women....
> 
> But w/ regards to the marriage sounds like you made up your mind.
> Clearly he wandered and it is unlikely you're willing to take steps to fix that, and unlikely the two of you communicate well enough to get to the bottom of the driving influences for that behavior.
> ...


I guess you live in California and got taken to the cleaners ?

Again cheating is not okay.. You fix the problem or you get the fvck out.. 

I bring in 200k a year now.. I bring home 14k a month CASH.. That doesn't include 2 bonuses at the end of the year.. My ex wife makes 1600 a month.. I was getting paid 1350 a month but the judge just reduced HER child support to 650.. I go back next year in Feb 2016 go over the support again.. 

Fvck her.. She is gonna pay me.. She stated she needed a pension and medical coverage.. I told her in court, You should have thought about that before you cheated on me.. If you wanted a pension and medical coverage I happen to have TWO OF EACH.. Sorry you made the wrong choice in life.. 

I hope the OP is making the right choices.. But I was a fool for looking to try to fix this my ex wife.. She should have been LOOKING TO FIX IT WITH ME !!.. Not the other way around.. 

The same for the OP here.. I'm sorry but that cheating cuts deep.. Very fvcking deep.. There just isn't an excuse for it.. None.. 

But as I mentioned in a previous post to the OP.. She should really start thinking about finances NOW... About her future NOW.. Not about surviving.. NOT about scraping by... 

BUT ABOUT LIVING and living WELL..

I feel bad for my Ex wife.. Part of me has come to realize she is just utterly fvcking stupid.. Not that it excuses here.. But the small human side of me feels bad knowing she has a sh!tty future ahead.. That she will be working until 63 to pay child support.. That she will having nothing and be buying cheap polyester pants for cloths.. That she will end up living in places and apartments that she never expected she would if she stays here in NYC.. She just cannot afford it.. 

So this is why I turned it around for the OP so she wouldn't be going holy sh!t I didn't expect this. 

Think ahead.. VERY MUCH AHEAD... Not days.. Not weeks. Not months.. YEARS AND YEARS... Have a life plan for you and the kids..

Just don't the bullsh!t of we will find a way.. It will work out.. Have a plan, a back up plan and another back up plan and yet another..


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Maj death,
Let's be balanced here. Let's say either of us married a woman and after we had kids she said. 

Sorry but you aren't quite 'big' enough to satisfy me. So I'll let you have sex with me, but honestly I'm not attracted to you as is. What I want you to do is have one of those penis enlargement surgeries, then I'll be attracted to you. 

That would be an immediate deal breaker to me. I kind doubt I would want to sleep together after that. 

So yes, I agree that some folks are quite evasive when asked what happened in the lead up to the affair. And others are solid citizens who own up to their contribution to the marriage failing. 

In this case though, her H seems like a bad person thru and thru. 

If he has a compulsive need for giant boobs he ought to have married someone with giant (natural or man made) boobs. 

And yes the cheating speaks for itself.....



MAJDEATH said:


> Gus is spot on. I know that abandoning my W (and being a jerk) led to an A. Not an excuse, because she still had to participate. With the OP, there are 2 sides to every story, and often on TAM we receive a detailed description of the WS activities, but the BS action are often "glossed over" or minimized, inadvertently I'll bet.
> 
> Lack of proper intimacy could be a big contributing factor. But I'll bet the future story to be told as to why she divorced will be "He cheated so I had to file for divorce". Whenever I hear that statement from family, friends, co-workers, and even new acquaintances I always respond with "So why did he/she cheat, what led to that?" Often the answer is not very clear.


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