# WW cannot decide wether to Reconcile



## SkyIsCrying (Aug 12, 2014)

Repost from Reconciliation Site:

Hello, this is my first post. DDay was 22 June when my WW called on facetime and told me that she had cheated one time. I started looking at the phone records and saw that the affair had been going on for about 6 weeks. After asking for the whole truth, she gave me details that seem to match what the phone records were saying. We have been married for 7 years, no kids and both Active Duty Military. Paving the way for the affair is the fact that we just had been/still are separated by military orders. Leading up to the affair we had both been having issues with the separation and didn't talk that well about it, and that I know she had been feeling attracted to the OM, who is her boss. She still works there, but will be moving in a week to an area that is a few miles away and will not have any reason for further contact. I plan on asking for a written NC when I go to visit next week. 

She tells me that OM is not a factor in the decision to reconcile or divorce, but I don't know if she is being honest with me or even herself. She seems remorseful, but she recoils at the mention of reconciliation. Around 4 weeks after DDay, and 2 weeks after visiting with her during the 4th of July, we decided to get a divorce. 2 days later she called and said she thought it was a rash decision and she thought we needed time to figure out what we want. Im not sure that I can forgive enough to move on, and have been trying to work on me (180) to get through this.

I am ok with waiting for a while, I do not want a divorce, but I need to know that she knows why she cheated, why she didn't come to me with feelings of loss and attraction for another person, and that she is remorseful enough not to do it again. I agreed to the divorce because I dont want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me and only me. 

She says she doesn't know if we can ever trust again, if she can get over the guilt of what she has done, and if she can be happy with me ( a reference to the problems we were having before the affair). 

I have been looking at phone records and bank accounts, I haven't been able to get into her email. I asked once and she told me she would give me the password, but was hesitant because she has transcripts of her and the OM's text messages as insurance against OM's Wife incase she tries to alter the messages to get them in touble at work. I dont want to read those messages so I didn't pursue the email connection. I don't really think that she is still in contact with him in any other way than work, but I am not sure. 

Most of the time she is very receptive to my questions, my anger and my sadness, but it is like pulling teeth when I ask questions about her state of mind. I wonder if she is still in the fog. 

So, ultimately, should I be patient and give her the time she says she need to decide between reconciliation and divorce? Or should I see the indecision as a decision in itself? Thanks for reading.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Not worth it, no kids....D...............

She doesn't want you, so don't beg. 

At least you won't have messed up kids to cart off to therapy..always look on the bright side of life.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

No, don't be patient. The only time she's burning is yours while she's having sex with another guy, and the only pain she's causing during this time is yours.

She'll take all the time in the world while she has her cake and eats it too.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

It's up to YOU, not her. She should be grovelling at your feet, not calling the shots!! Please read this thread, esp the part about what true remorse looks like

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

If you're letting her make the decision then you're doing it wrong.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I like how she says how WE can never trust again. If they get caught under the UCMJ especially him, they will both be booted.
Yes divorce her.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I hope your finances are separated if not do so.


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## Foghorn (Sep 10, 2012)

SkyIsCrying said:


> Repost from Reconciliation Site:
> 
> Most of the time she is very receptive to my questions, my anger and my sadness, but it is like pulling teeth when I ask questions about her state of mind. I wonder if she is still in the fog.
> 
> So, ultimately, should I be patient and give her the time she says she need to decide between reconciliation and divorce? Or should I see the indecision as a decision in itself? Thanks for reading.


How disrespectful. She wants time to decide?? Sounds like she is setting herself up for a good long round of cake-eating. If you have no children, I would say divorce.

You can recover from this, find a woman who respects and loves you and reverences her vows. You will be better off.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

She won't give you the pw for her email?
It's still going on and/or it was a lot longer than 6 weeks.
Either way no kids, end it.


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## tonedef (Aug 7, 2014)

UCMJ has something about repercussions of cheating. Dont let her have the power to choose. If you really love someone, you wouldnt have to think if you want to be with that person. No kids? I'd be making that decision for her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

tonedef said:


> UCMJ has something about repercussions of cheating. Dont let her have the power to choose. If you really love someone, you wouldnt have to think if you want to be with that person. No kids? I'd be making that decision for her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly plus he is her married boss.
Depending on the CO he could really get burned by this.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Man, I'd divorce her instantly. You need to have some self respect, my friend. She's waffling because she's a selfish cake eater - she'll cheat again. A PA is a deal breaker for me, but if it wasn't I'd at _least_ expect her to beg, plead, throw herself at your mercy and do anything and everything to win you back. She's kinda like "meh, I dunno". Come on dude! And having no kids makes it a no-brainer.

Also, her boss in the military? Isn't that a serious offence in that world? Find a decent woman.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Expose to her First Sergeant and/or Commander. No kids? Then...Run Forrest, Run! 

The affair is ongoing and she will only admit to what you can prove. 

Reconciliation is a precious, precious gift from the BS (you) that should only be given after the WS (her) has proven themselves Truly Remorseful and is busting their ass to the heavy lifting and earn their chance at R.

Like Gus said, you're doing it bass ackwards. No kids, no ties.

BTW, what kind of jobs do you have that don't allow a Joint Spouse Assignment? The military really bends over backwards to allow two military members assigned to the same base.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

With respect to a cheater, and in-decision IS a decision.

Accept her in-decision as a decision to not want to be committed.

Take her for her word and pat her on her back and let her go on about her life. 

You don't need someone flipping back and forth on you.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Wow... "The OM has nothing to do with R or D". I suppose she didn't either.

Well, she has no choice either. Dump her to the trash heap.

Military life is tough. I know. Lots of things like this going on unfortunately.

Would you marry a known Cheater? You are now.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

OP,

Maybe she actually doesn't know what she wants.

So it's time to step in and decide what you want. If you think you could stay with her, you need to take the driver's seat here because she's not capable of doing it herself. Her mind is a mess, she's conflicted. 

Best course of action is to give her a strict time limit where "I don't know" equates to No in your eyes. Be loving but firm. Prepare yourself for divorce and don't waver until you see dramatic and sustained changes in her behavior.

But you should really ask yourself if you want to risk having children with someone who is capable of doing this in the first place. It's possible she could reform, but she'll have to address really why she did this and if she's able to to do the hard work it will take to regain your trust.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Expose her A to both your families and all friends (do this to protect your reputation from her rewriting the M to make you out as a heartless monster).

File for D ASAP...as others have pointed out....she isn't sure?....that is all the proof you need, and this should be a no brainer since you have no kids.

And then expose at work to burn this POS for daring to insult you and f*ck your life up...return the favor in spades.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

SkyIsCrying said:


> 2 days later she called and said she thought it was a rash decision and she thought we needed time to figure out what we want. You are being the second choice and the fall back person when OM goes sour.
> 
> I am ok with waiting for a while, I do not want a divorce, but I need to know that she knows why she cheated, why she didn't come to me with feelings of loss and attraction for another person, and that she is remorseful enough not to do it again. I agreed to the divorce because I dont want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me and only me. She is still in the affair. That simple.
> 
> ...


Sir...you make the call giving time. Get in the driver seat and make the decisions. What she thinks is a non-factor!


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

SIC, no it's not. That's your self respect crying for being compromised.

You say you don't want to be with someone who don't want you, ut she is telling you she don't already.

The only reason she's not gone, is she's afraid of the trouble it would cost her and him.
So she is giving you time to get use to D


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She's getting you to stall so she can maneuver around you and get the most favorable outcome in the divorce. Your inaction is her best ally. 

Expose, file, ask her to move out.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

SkyIsCrying said:


> So, ultimately, should I be patient and give her the time she says she need to decide between reconciliation and divorce? Or should I see the indecision as a decision in itself? Thanks for reading.


She shouldn't be the one that gets to decide and leave you in limbo.

Make the decision for her, and my recommendation is to serve her with papers.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

bandit.45 said:


> She's getting you to stall so she can maneuver around you and get the most favorable outcome in the divorce. Your inaction is her best ally.
> 
> Expose, file, ask her to move out.


Or, she's just really having fun living in la la land where she gets to be married and **** her boyfriend.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

marduk said:


> Or, she's just really having fun living in la la land where she gets to be married and **** her boyfriend.


Yep. This too.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

All of the above posts.

Tell her to go to Hell. 

So sorry you are here. Stick around and you will learn a ton.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP, I know it is tough and that you do not want a divorce. Unfortunately, inaction is your biggest risk for failure.

She doesn't know is she wants to be married or divorced, but she knows you wanted her email password and she hasn't given you that. What does that tell you?

You need to expose this to everyone now. Do not tell her you are doing it. Just do it.
Then file for divorce. This can always be stopped if she gets her head out of her arse.
Get checked for STDs- no telling what souvenir she may have passed along to you from her adventure.
Protect your assets- do not finance her affair in any way.

If she comes around- and is truly remorseful and you want to save the marriage also- then find a good MC. 

Until then- do a hard 180 and do it for you.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

All are military? You, her and the OM? Hope Thorburn can help you; he was a military councilor for years.... There are particularly nasty ramifications for infidelity in the military and their spouses. I can't remember them off the top of my head, but heads will roll if you want them too. You can actually scorched earth her OM if he's military and particularly if he's above her in command. His career is over and I think might even be facing a court marshal and investigation.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

The Healing Heart: The 180

Read it.

Do it.

File for a D. She needs you to wake her up. You need to find a better life without her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SkyIsCrying said:


> Repost from Reconciliation Site:
> 
> Hello, this is my first post. DDay was 22 June when my WW called on facetime and told me that she had cheated one time. I started looking at the phone records and saw that the affair had been going on for about 6 weeks. After asking for the whole truth, she gave me details that seem to match what the phone records were saying. We have been married for 7 years, no kids and both Active Duty Military. Paving the way for the affair is the fact that we just had been/still are separated by military orders. Leading up to the affair we had both been having issues with the separation and didn't talk that well about it, and that I know she had been feeling attracted to the OM, who is her boss. She still works there, but will be moving in a week to an area that is a few miles away and will not have any reason for further contact. I plan on asking for a written NC when I go to visit next week.
> 
> ...


This reminds me of a cartoon I saw once. Two vultures were sitting in a tree. One turned to the other and said: "patience my a**! I am going to kill something!"

I mention this because sometimes patience is not a virtue.

She either wants to be your faithful wife, or she doesn't.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

you make the decision!

which would be see ya!


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Definitely get JAG involved if she or you are not full board into recovery!! I know if you go after the OM with Jag your wife also gets in trouble....use that as a well deserved last salvo into the two cheaters who both got involved in an affair knowing the repercussions under UCMJ!!! Its also can be used to get a better settlement during divorce or threat to stay away/NC for the OM!!


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

*OP you hold all of the cards in this situation * your WS is in no position to dictate terms for reconciliation she lost that right when they committed adultery with is a crime in the military an *Article 134* to be exact and carries significant consequences you should go to a JAG lawyer and know your rights if you haven't dons so all ready..



If your wayward spouse needs motivation to make a decision then you should remind her that you hold the other man's and her career in your hands 




Article 134 - Adultery (Punitive Articles of the UCMJ)


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

I know you are getting alot of "Divorce her" messages and this may seem harsh on the woman you love but I will tell you why.

Let us for a moment assume that she is not actively in the affair ( which she is) let us assume that she really does love you. 

Without kids there is very little reason to reconcile.
Reconciliation takes an awful lot of work over a long period and you need two highly motivated people to do it. Not one.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

SkyIsCrying said:


> I am ok with waiting for a while, I do not want a divorce, but I need to know that she knows why she cheated, why she didn't come to me with feelings of loss and attraction for another person, *and that she is remorseful enough not to do it again.* I agreed to the divorce because I dont want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me and only me.


True remorse is not just her failure to cheat again. It's owning what she did, having a desperate desire to save her marriage, and the willingness to do the heavy lifting to help you heal.

Her waffling indicates she is anything but remorseful. She's trying to avoid consequences or buying time to explore things with this OM or another one; probably both.

Patience is the last thing you need. You need to take control now. Implement the 180, and start the divorce process yourself. If she turns around at some point you can reconsider R.

And while you're at it, you need to wreak havoc on the OM's military career.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I agree in giving it back to posom. Expose him Don't let him sh!t all over you with zero consequences.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If it was me, I wouldn't wait another minuet. If you know that she's having an affair with her boss and you know him or his name, then you contact his wife and let her know about it and dump this load of garbage back on who ever started it, mainly her and the OM and let the chips fall where they may.

If your wife gets pissed, let her know, she started it and your finishing it and end it bu saying, "see you in court".

Your doing nothing but letting her have her easy out at your expense and the same for the guy who was screwing your wife. That what you want?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

SkyIsCrying said:


> I dont want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me and only me.


That's the most sensible thing you can say. The part where she sez, "doesn't know if we can ever trust again, if she can get over the guilt of what she has done, and if she can be happy with me" speaks volumes. Pay particular attention to the dosn't know "if she can be happy with me". That's womanese for, "I know I'll never be happy with you". Don't let this woman tell you to get lost twice.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your marriage is not beyond saving. However, for one person to save the marriage is impossible. It's like one person dancing a Waltz. It just doesn't work.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Put her boss anonymously on cheaterville.com then send the link to her boss using their anonymous email function. Covert ops so to speak. Do not let him roll over you, that's a lack of courage.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Sky, if she was truly remorseful, she would immediately go NC with other man, give you passwords and access to media and devices. She has chosen instead to confess as a means of garnering your support in her exodus. She needs time to see if other man is going to pan out, while you remain on hold as Plan B. This does you no good, as you are just marking time until she leaves with him or the next flavor of the month.

I recommend a hard 180, file for divorce, see if you can get in contact with his wife to share information. If they are military and in a physical relationship, then what he is doing is illegal. You can call the commander and get them separated. The senior person always losses in these cases. 

I believe that most relationships can be saved, if both parties are willing to work hard to fix the problems. She is not willing to do that at this time. Also her confession and then trying to get you to concede to the separation, is her way of gaining your support under the guise of ultimately reconciling. Don't fall into her trap. Reconciliation should only be considered after certain demands are met:

1. No contact with OM
2. No contact letter written and sent to OM, by your wife, with your approval.
3. Access to all media, devices and passwords

Until that day, consult with attorney and proceed with legal process.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

if she really wanted you she wouldnt have to think about anything
What she is really thinking about is keeping you on retainer until something better comes along...men who screw married women are NOT "better" typically, so this pos probably wont commit or is married as well...

end it and move on...if it were me


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

So Sky,

Are you going to participate in this thread you started? Or do we all just post and post like morons?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Bluto's Big Speech - Animal House (9/10) Movie CLIP (1978) HD - YouTube


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> So Sky,
> 
> Are you going to participate in this thread you started? Or do we all just post and post like morons?




:iagree:



There really should be an expiration date on threads with intermittent activity


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

xakulax said:


> :iagree:
> 
> 
> 
> There really should be an expiration date on threads with intermittent activity


Yes!:iagree:


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

xakulax said:


> :iagree:
> 
> 
> 
> There really should be an expiration date on threads with intermittent activity


I've recommended this for years. The Mods have never picked up on it. When a poster starts a thread and then doesn't come back, after a set amount of time the thread should be locked.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

So 3 pages and just the one initial post from Sky ???

Well at least he is into his blues - Elmore James/SRV +DT classic!
Used to cover it in my band in younger days.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

manfromlamancha said:


> So 3 pages and just the one initial post from Sky ???
> 
> Well at least he is into his blues - Elmore James/SRV +DT classic!
> Used to cover it in my band in younger days.


It's typical. He's bound and determined to R and force a Reconciliation and isn't hearing what he wants to hear. What he wants to hear is how to win his WW back.

I hope I'm wrong.


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## DoveEnigma13 (Oct 31, 2013)

SkyIsCrying said:


> Repost from Reconciliation Site:
> 
> Hello, this is my first post. DDay was 22 June when my WW called on facetime and told me that she had cheated one time. I started looking at the phone records and saw that the affair had been going on for about 6 weeks. After asking for the whole truth, she gave me details that seem to match what the phone records were saying. We have been married for 7 years, no kids and both Active Duty Military. Paving the way for the affair is the fact that we just had been/still are separated by military orders. Leading up to the affair we had both been having issues with the separation and didn't talk that well about it, and that I know she had been feeling attracted to the OM, who is her boss. She still works there, but will be moving in a week to an area that is a few miles away and will not have any reason for further contact. I plan on asking for a written NC when I go to visit next week.
> 
> ...


I had this same problem. Her indecision is a decision in and of itself that she doesn't want to make. She wants both.

Decide for her. Serve the papers.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

Take this bull by the horns and tame it with divorce papers. You are too good for this bulls***t.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Given that your wife is in the wrong here you and only you should be calling the shots.

Her indecision is an obvious sign that she is not over the OM and her actions in trying to call the shots are just ways of her manipulating you.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Another thing to think of....she is getting close to getting half your military retirement!! No kids and cheating....get out now and you will thank yourself later when you retire!!!


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

ShootMePlz! said:


> Another thing to think of....she is getting close to getting half your military retirement!! No kids and cheating....get out now and you will thank yourself later when you retire!!!


Do they have to be married a certain number of years for her to be entitled to it? If so and they haven't been married long enough, GET AN ATTORNEY NOW. Don't delay!!!

I know someone who retired from the military and his cheating x-wife gets half of it, I believe, for life. Real nice huh?

Makes me glad I wasn't in the military. My X got a very small amount of retirement, she cashed it and blew through it already, :rofl:


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Best thing we got out of this thread is a new avatar from vellocet!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Philat said:


> Best thing we got out of this thread is a new avatar from vellocet!


You got tired of Val?:rofl:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So she and her OM are ganging up on OM's BS? :wtf:


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Philat said:


> Best thing we got out of this thread is a new avatar from vellocet!


Its never lupus


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