# I get it and I don't!



## ManOhMan2013 (Aug 1, 2013)

After reading someone's reply to a man in another forum I get it. I have gotten it before, but I always need reminding. 

It's NOT about my wife. It's about me. I have to work on me!! I get it! I really do get it. It's not her fault she does not desire me. It's her hormones. But how do I work on me and deal with my unfulfilled sexual needs at the same time? I will work on being a better husband and a better father. I will work on reviving my career. I will work on my communication skills and providing for the needs of her and our child. But my question is, how do I continue improving myself realizing my wife will probably never come around sexually? How do I go on without cheating?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

ManOhMan2013 said:


> After reading someone's reply to a man in another forum I get it. I have gotten it before, but I always need reminding.
> 
> It's NOT about my wife. It's about me. I have to work on me!! I get it! I really do get it. It's not her fault she does not desire me. It's her hormones. But how do I work on me and deal with my unfulfilled sexual needs at the same time? I will work on being a better husband and a better father. I will work on reviving my career. I will work on my communication skills and providing for the needs of her and our child. But my question is, how do I continue improving myself realizing my wife will probably never come around sexually? *How do I go on without cheating*?


You wake up every morning, and go about your day without having sex with another woman. If you feel as if you can't do that, you get a divorce.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You do the work and you choose.

You don't pout. You don't whine. You do it.

If you continue to grow and change, and your wife does not, the choice will be obvious and you will know it.
If you fudge it under the pretext of hoping she is paying attention, then it won't work for you or her.

Have seen it many times. Experienced it myself.


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## ManOhMan2013 (Aug 1, 2013)

Deejo said:


> You do the work and you choose.
> 
> You don't pout. You don't whine. You do it.
> 
> ...


Those are powerful words!!! I just hope I have the self respect and strength to do the right thing in the end, whatever that may be.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

ManOhMan2013 said:


> After reading someone's reply to a man in another forum I get it. I have gotten it before, but I always need reminding.
> 
> It's NOT about my wife. It's about me. I have to work on me!! I get it! I really do get it. It's not her fault she does not desire me. It's her hormones. But how do I work on me and deal with my unfulfilled sexual needs at the same time? I will work on being a better husband and a better father. I will work on reviving my career. I will work on my communication skills and providing for the needs of her and our child. But my question is, how do I continue improving myself realizing my wife will probably never come around sexually? How do I go on without cheating?


I think the advice you are getting so far on this thread is good, but I do want to add something, even not knowing what your marital circumstances are in detail. 

Talk to your wife, respectfully and regularly, about what it means to have unfulfilled sexual needs in your marriage. My husband did the work of "hanging in there" for most of ten years, but he never gave up on trying to make me understand how lack of sexual intimacy affected him. The time finally arrived when I could and did rehabilitate my old HD, and it had a lot to do with his behavior during those years. His integrity was intact, my respect for and trust in him was intact, and I am thankful beyond words that he used every ounce of personal resource to stay true to me, our family, our marriage, and his own sense of self worth and respect. 

I can't change those ten years, but we have many, many years ahead of us that will be awesome because of how he conducted himself during out "dry spell."


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## ManOhMan2013 (Aug 1, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> I think the advice you are getting so far on this thread is good, but I do want to add something, even not knowing what your marital circumstances are in detail.
> 
> Talk to your wife, respectfully and regularly, about what it means to have unfulfilled sexual needs in your marriage.  My husband did the work of "hanging in there" for most of ten years, but he never gave up on trying to make me understand how lack of sexual intimacy affected him. The time finally arrived when I could and did rehabilitate my old HD, and it had a lot to do with his behavior during those years. His integrity was intact, my respect for and trust in him was intact, and I am thankful beyond words that he used every ounce of personal resource to stay true to me, our family, our marriage, and his own sense of self worth and respect.
> 
> I can't change those ten years, but we have many, many years ahead of us that will be awesome because of how he conducted himself during out "dry spell."


Thank you for this. What do you mean by HD?
How did you change my sex dry spell around? Did you get help from a doctor?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Unless you understand the reasons behind her LD you can be as good a father as Michael Landon (???) or Bill Cosby or Father Time and as nice a person as they get and it may not matter.

First understand why things happen and to what extent.

Second figure out if there is a viable path to fixing what does not work from both sides.

Third, triage things that may need fixing from your side, focus on one or two that can be fixed relatively easily, fix them, and assess results vis a vis the overall relationship. 

If things go your way and the pilot program in #3 works repeat or continue adjustments and assess. Make sure you identify and assess progress made or not made on your partner's side. 

If things sort of go your way assess, adjust, and repeat. Again, make sure you identify and assess progress made or not made on your partner's side. 


If things don't go your way regardless after a few pilot runs go back to #2 and assess whether anything is fixable. If not, bail out.

It's not that hard...


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## ManOhMan2013 (Aug 1, 2013)

john117 said:


> Unless you understand the reasons behind her LD you can be as good a father as Michael Landon (???) or Bill Cosby or Father Time and as nice a person as they get and it may not matter.
> 
> First understand why things happen and to what extent.
> 
> ...


Thanks. Good advice. Very logical. 
Okay people, what does LD and HD stand for?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The problem, in my opinion, is the natural definition of "good man" is far different from the modern fabricated concept. Trying to please a woman by doing dishes, chores, saying, "yes, Dear", is creating a persona that is detestable and unattractive to most women. Women are naturally designed to be attracted to strength and security. A man who behaves subordinate to a woman offers neither. Carry yourself as if you respect yourself and naturally expect to be respected. Reward desirable behavior and don't reward or even tolerate crappy behavior. Don't whine, don't pout, and don't beg for sex. If you're a husband, act like one and expect your wife to behave as a wife.


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## ManOhMan2013 (Aug 1, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> The problem, in my opinion, is the natural definition of "good man" is far different from the modern fabricated concept. Trying to please a woman by doing dishes, chores, saying, "yes, Dear", is creating a persona that is detestable and unattractive to most women. Women are naturally designed to be attracted to strength and security. A man who behaves subordinate to a woman offers neither. Carry yourself as if you respect yourself and naturally expect to be respected. Reward desirable behavior and don't reward or even tolerate crappy behavior. Don't whine, don't pout, and don't beg for sex. If you're a husband, act like one and expect your wife to behave as a wife.


Powerful words of advice. But what do I do with my sex drive in the mean time? And I know she won't change.! But true words!!! I believe you are right. I WILL DO MY BEST TO CHANGE!!!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

ManOhMan2013 said:


> Powerful words of advice. But what do I do with my sex drive in the mean time? And I know she won't change.! But true words!!! I believe you are right. I WILL DO MY BEST TO CHANGE!!!


If she won't change, divorce her. All the work you do on yourself will pay off in your _next _relationship. The sooner you act, the sooner you'll be free to do whatever you want.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

OP, you find the stones to just say: GOODBYE.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It's just a sex drive. Lavishing love and attention on an indifferent, withholding woman is an unnatural and unproductive act. It's unpleasant to confront and teach the facts of life to a feminist American princess, but dealing with one for the next 40 years would suck worse. If you pull back, you remain in control. If you react to her whims, you will feel and behave like a victim. Don't get on that stupid hamster wheel of trying to kill yourself and perform magic tricks to extract a bit of pleasantness from a female. Marriage is a commitment. That means we promise to "do" without regard to how we "feel". A woman who can't grasp that concept isn't wife material. If she's not putting forth an effort to keep the marriage going, she's a passenger and passenger's aren't permitted on the Love Boat.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

ManOhMan2013 said:


> Thank you for this. What do you mean by HD?
> How did you change my sex dry spell around? Did you get help from a doctor?


HD stands for "high drive" and LD for "low drive." The terms get a lot of use on this forum, but be aware that the meaning is a bit amorphous, and context and user dependent. 

I didn't get help from a doctor, but I was finally able to figure out the root of my lack of desire and address it. I was motivated to do this because I came to understand what sex with me meant to my husband on an emotional level. My husband had been asking me to do this for years, but we were trapped in a dynamic that neither of us quite knew how to change. 

The details are here if you are interested.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...-now-how-i-get-my-husband-trust-me-again.html

I will say that finding myself sexually again has changed my life as well as my marriage. I work on it and think about it every day. I wish more women would do it for themselves--that is the best way, in my opinion, to own one's sensuality and to be able to share it freely and joyously with a partner.


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