# wife never masturbated and brought up very conservatives parents now causing issues



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

I love my wife with all my heart, and for most of our lives we've been busy studying, working and rising children (3 of them); in addition, we came to Canada only 15 years ago and today I can say that we've succeeded in achieving stability so I can focus in our relationship. My wife was raised by very conservative parents that always filled her head with negatives comments about sex. Today, it is causing issues in our relationship and I just can't stand it anymore...her attitude towards being more comfortable in the bedroom kills me..is like she is only doing it for me and it does not work. The problem is not that we don't have sex, don't take me wrong - we do and since she is able most of the time to have 2 orgasms and sometime 3, I can say that 50% of what I would desire in a sexual relationship we achieved. The problem is with the foreplay or trying to spice things up to which always she seems not very much excited. She tries but since she does not seem into it, it does not work. For example, when we triy anal sex, since her attitude is I am not going to like it, she actually does not like it...I tell her over and over again, that if we were to want to have something special, we both need to prepare and relax and going for it in such a way that our chances of both liking it increase. I just can't feel comfortable feeling that she is overwhelm by me because I am constantly, reminding her that I want to feel free to express my sexuality but she keeps making me feel like the more I want it, the less, she'll wanted to give it to me. However, when I wait for her, it never comes the way I want it. I understand that change for her must no be easy but how do I deal with her attitude where she does not seem to be able to relax and make peace with the fact that if you love somebody and this somebody has proven to you to love you and do anything for you, why we can't have in our bedroom the kind of relationship where you can have access to your wife body and vice versa in such a way that you feel welcome?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You are very confused. Her dislike of anal sex does not indicate her lack of love for you. She just doesn't like anal sex!

You pressuring her to do things she doesn't like to do is not a good thing for your relationship.


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

It was an example. The more you read, you understand that if you want to try something like anal sex, sometime you need to prepare, better light, lube, and she willing to relax and maybe let me pleasure her vaginally with a toy at the same time - this could prove to be what she needs to enjoying it, but if you are not willing to try to go the extra mile, then things won't have a chance of working - the idea here is how you bring someone to want to experience sex the same way you do


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

marco, many women simply do not like anal sex. It is not for everyone. If that is your entire complaint then you won't find very many sympathetic ears. I also would love some anal sex but my wife does not like it. You know what? We also have a very active and good sex life and I don't complain. Why would I force something on her that she does not enjoy. Your insistence that she would enjoy it if she would just shut up and try is not only hugely egocentric and self serving it is simply and absolutely wrong. From what you have shared here you are being incredibly selfish and childish and causing the problems in your marriage largely yourself.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

marcopoly69 said:


> It was an example. The more you read, you understand that if you want to try something like anal sex, sometime you need to prepare, better light, lube, and she willing to relax and maybe let me pleasure her vaginally with a toy at the same time - this could prove to be what she needs to enjoying it, but if you are not willing to try to go the extra mile, then things won't have a chance of working - the idea here is how you bring someone to want to experience sex the same way you do


Your wife is not a sex doll. And your reading is incomplete.

You're in a marriage with a living and breathing person, not a fantasy or something you read about preparing for a sexual interaction between two people.

It is not between you being an open person and your wife being conservative.

From what you have written all I see is you manipulating and your wife acquiescing.

Not good.

Maybe you ought to try pleasing her how she wants to be pleased.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

yeah, my wife is very conservative that way too. but i cannot force anything on her if she doesnt want to do it (not only anal). problem i have is we arent any where near as adventurous as we used to be, when it was more fun. now it basically bores me to death.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

With your wife her conservative background..it may be psychosematic (can't spell-to say it is in her head) and that is why she may never like. You may be correct she may not be giving it the chance it deserves. You may want to "pick your battles" as this is a No-can-do for many women. The women i have been with that enjoy anal love it, REALLY love it so there must be something too it. Yours at least gave it a try even if not whole-heartedly as you may have liked. 

I have not pushed the anal thing with my wife have not pushed the issue. I have heard increadible things about prostate massage (anal) for men. I consider myself to be relatively open minded but, think i can't get past the "gay stigma" perhaps. Clearly for me it is in my head so i have never done it. Have you allowed her to do this to you? I am not saying tit for tat but, it is kind of leadership by example and perhaps showing her that this could be a very pleasurable thing. Make sure your approach makes her feel like this is something for her not necessarily just for you. At this point you may have shown your cards already on this. I would tend to focus on getting her to enjoy the sensation rather then focusing on you putting your D#ck in her. Perhaps is could be an "aquired taste(lol)" 

That said, Agree ith others in general though. if this is your only gripe then that seems overly petty. Are there other ways that you can think of to spice things up?


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

The anal sex thing is not the only thing. I used it as an example - I don't push it very often because I know she does not really enjoy it and that kills it for me. You don't understand, it has been always like this....since the beginning she is being difficult and the time we experienced teen passion was short live since she came to Canada before me. Long story short, I have always follow her rules in the bedroom, don't put your hands there, I don't want to do that, etc....it took me several fights to get her to try to give me oral sex in a different way, where she could use different techniques and allow me to finish in her mouth....it was horrible all she refused and finally one day, she decided to give it a try, and it was wonderful, the problem....she is not consistent....then the sadness. It is like she does not need all that and it kills me because I need it....but it seems that we are always arguing about this...and she is always telling me that I never stop talking about this, but what can I do when I desire to do things with her that she does not desire...


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

marcopoly69 said:


> I have always follow her rules in the bedroom,


I am here to say, until this changes, none of these other issues will be improving for you.

For now, start here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ats-attractive-my-wifes-input.html#post181910


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

Let me explain more...my problem is that I am in a moment of my live where after 20 years fighting, I've been able to finally reach stability and a feel like I deserve being with somebody that want to give me pleasure. I work out very often and I think I am good looking. My wife loves me very much that I know for sure...it is just her attitude towards sex that I can't stand no more....it is like she does not need anything besides penetration which she enjoys very much...we do many positions (couples of years ago she never would go on top) anyways, my problem is that I am tire of requesting, fighting for things....I feel after all we've been through, she should want to be with me this way. She does not have much feeling in her clit, never masturbated, don't have access to her boos since after three children she doesn't like it (which I respect but don't understand - these are the only boobs I have access ... shouldn't I be enjoin them? - she won't give me oral if we've been making love (she send me to the bathroom to wash it)....can you see my point? or still think I am the problem....please advise.


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

Star said:


> What are her reasons for her not wanting you to put your hands there and do this/that?
> 
> She must clearly enjoy sex as you say she climaxes muiltiple times during so what is it about trying other things that she is does not like/feel comfortable with? (I'm not talking anal here, just in general) is it the way you approach her that is off putting to her?


I don't know....I talked to her about my feelings and I am pretty sure she enjoys herself but I do most of the work when this happens. I guess, my problem is with the fact that she does not think about how to improve what we have...is like...she could be very happy with 2 times a week. She does not really enjoy me given her oral sex (last time she felt like death - no reaction) and those sort of thing. When I talked to her she said...yeah it was my fault!...but then she does not try to show me any love that way....I have educated her about men and women sexuality and I think it is due to this that she is come a long way....but my issues is that I just can bring myself to keep requesting and fighting to get excitement in our sex live. Like I mentioned I think her biggest problem was all the garbage her parents feed her growing up - I talked to my brother in law married to her sister, and he tells me that she also have never masturbated... coincidence?? don't think so


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

More than likely both women masturbate but were raise to be chaste and not share such things--even with their husbands.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

So reading this, I have one question--and I don't mean it to sound any particular way--how much porn do you watch?

The reason I ask is that from what you've said-- you "educating" your wife about sex, the way everything comes across as things you want to do *to* your wife or that she should do *for* you, the kinds of things you're describing---it sounds like what you really feel is that you deserve a porn star at this point in your life and that if your wife isn't ready to do everything that a 20 year old paid performer does and with equal enthusiasm, it's a disappointment. And from what I've seen, that happens a lot when porn becomes someone's sex life. The line between how it is in the movies and how it is when there's a living breathing human with likes, dislikes and preferences of their own gets blurry just the way that porn gets shocking when you're not exposed to it.

Sure it'd be great to spice things up, but I think it has to be relative....once someone says they feel entitled to something in a relationship then the balance is off and it's not a joyful exploration of passion.


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

Star said:


> Maybe she does not enjoy recieving oral because she is self concious? I think a lot of women feel this way during oral for many different reasons and this can kill any feel good feelings that should come from having you're partners head between your legs, Years ago I felt so self concious about recieving oral (different story now) that I didn't really enjoy it as I was forever wondering what he was thinking ect.
> 
> Have you asked her what new things she would like to try in bed?, forget about what things you want to try, see what things she would be open to trying and try and build on that first?


Yes, and she says that I am the one with ideas....she does not have sexual fantasies or feel comfortable in some positions...last night we talked and she understood that it is important for a relationship to change or you run the chances of destroy it!....I love her to death that's why this situation kills me....I have promised to her that I won't be so critical of her and that if something I want does not work, I won't become angry....I have to try to be who she needs me to be and see if she can fin in herself to love me with more passion....thanks star for the reply


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

COGypsy said:


> So reading this, I have one question--and I don't mean it to sound any particular way--how much porn do you watch?
> 
> The reason I ask is that from what you've said-- you "educating" your wife about sex, the way everything comes across as things you want to do *to* your wife or that she should do *for* you, the kinds of things you're describing---it sounds like what you really feel is that you deserve a porn star at this point in your life and that if your wife isn't ready to do everything that a 20 year old paid performer does and with equal enthusiasm, it's a disappointment. And from what I've seen, that happens a lot when porn becomes someone's sex life. The line between how it is in the movies and how it is when there's a living breathing human with likes, dislikes and preferences of their own gets blurry just the way that porn gets shocking when you're not exposed to it.
> 
> Sure it'd be great to spice things up, but I think it has to be relative....once someone says they feel entitled to something in a relationship then the balance is off and it's not a joyful exploration of passion.


You may be onto something....every Saturday and Sunday morning, I like to watch yuvutu.com where people like you and me upload their videos...no porn stars! here only regular people. Here is when I see a lot of couples having a great time...and I wonder why I cannot have that!....I think that if you are a good husband, honest and with the right priorities in live, you have the right to desire to have more excitement in your live...and the woman who loves you, should try to make you feel love and wanted.....I guess, I have to give my wife love and patient and hope for the best.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

marcopoly69 said:


> You may be onto something....every Saturday and Sunday morning, I like to watch yuvutu.com where people like you and me upload their videos...no porn stars! here only regular people. Here is when I see a lot of couples having a great time...and I wonder why I cannot have that!....I think that if you are a good husband, honest and with the right priorities in live, you have the right to desire to have more excitement in your live...and the woman who loves you, should try to make you feel love and wanted.....I guess, I have to give my wife love and patient and hope for the best.


See? That's pretty much my point. You have an established routine where something that's not normal, is totally being normalized for you. And I don't mean that in a judgmental way really. I would consider myself an extremely open and adventurous person sexually and posting do-it-yourself porn is pretty out there for me. And I'm guessing that the folks into posting on that site aren't really missionary-position-with-the-lights-out sorts of people, lol.

Here's just something that I'm going to throw out as an idea for you to consider, something that I've found helpful from time to time. Back off the porn. Maybe cut it in half or something. It's like window shopping for Bentleys on a Volkswagen budget. You're creating a lot of your own dissatisfaction by 'comparing' your sex life to the sex life of what is realistically a microscopic part of the population. You ask why you can't have that? You're watching a site catering to exhibitionists...it's a pretty specific sexual taste,and a bit outside the norm. It may be real bodies, but still really not average people. 

Wanting some excitement at any stage of your life is pretty understandable. I totally know how you feel, lol. Maybe sex isn't the only exciting thing out there--maybe a sport, or a band or some other interest?

And to be fair, I would bet you that if we asked your wife, she'd say she goes out of her way to make you feel loved and wanted. It's just not the way you'd like. But keeping things the way you like them, or stocking your favorite snacks in the kitchen, or any number of things like that are probably as much an expression of love from her as you feel like teaching her a new way to do a bj is from you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

COGypsy said:


> See? That's pretty much my point. You have an established routine where something that's not normal, is totally being normalized for you. And I don't mean that in a judgmental way really. I would consider myself an extremely open and adventurous person sexually and posting do-it-yourself porn is pretty out there for me. And I'm guessing that the folks into posting on that site aren't really missionary-position-with-the-lights-out sorts of people, lol.
> 
> Here's just something that I'm going to throw out as an idea for you to consider, something that I've found helpful from time to time. Back off the porn. Maybe cut it in half or something. It's like window shopping for Bentleys on a Volkswagen budget. You're creating a lot of your own dissatisfaction by 'comparing' your sex life to the sex life of what is realistically a microscopic part of the population. You ask why you can't have that? You're watching a site catering to exhibitionists...it's a pretty specific sexual taste,and a bit outside the norm. It may be real bodies, but still really not average people.
> 
> ...


Thanks.....you are right...patients and love.....and enjoy what I have.....and keep communicating....


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

First I am curious where you are from. Second I want to tell you anal sex is no fun. I love my husband so much that one day I let him try. He didn't like the way I screamed. He didn't like the way his toy moved. His toy couldn't move freely. He told me that he would never try anal again. I am fine. His size is big though. Maybe that's the problem. I don't like rubber sex toys either. I just don't get aroused when I see rubber. Tell you honestly, I am not a conservative woman. Sigh.......................man.......................enjoy what you have. You have a wonderful wife. At least you get to have sex with her quite often!!!


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> First I am curious where you are from. Second I want to tell you anal sex is no fun. I love my husband so much that one day I let him try. He didn't like the way I screamed. He didn't like the way his toy moved. His toy couldn't move freely. He told me that he would never try anal again. I am fine. His size is big though. Maybe that's the problem. I don't like rubber sex toys either. I just don't get aroused when I see rubber. Tell you honestly, I am not a conservative woman. Sigh.......................man.......................enjoy what you have. You have a wonderful wife. At least you get to have sex with her quite often!!!


Thanks for your words. I saw this article that I sent my wife for a reading, and the same night she was loving, started sex, gave my a very nice hot bj that we finished with passionate love making...it was like another woman....y last night was again incredible and I got to tell you...it is the first time I fell so love and satisfied.

Please read this article so far has changed my live....

- Focus on the Family 

I hope it can help another marriage too.....


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> First I am curious where you are from. Second I want to tell you anal sex is no fun. I love my husband so much that one day I let him try. He didn't like the way I screamed.


I wouldn't say that's true for everyone by any means--I've done anal with a couple of lovers of different sizes and I always found it a really hot way to play.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

marcopoly69 said:


> Thanks for your words. I saw this article that I sent my wife for a reading, and the same night she was loving, started sex, gave my a very nice hot bj that we finished with passionate love making...it was like another woman....y last night was again incredible and I got to tell you...it is the first time I fell so love and satisfied.
> 
> Please read this article so far has changed my live....
> 
> ...


We are all learning to have better sex and better marriage. I am happy that you and your wife can have great sex. My husband and I have great sex together. I really understand the importance of happy sex life. It can really make us pleasant around each other.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

COGypsy said:


> I wouldn't say that's true for everyone by any means--I've done anal with a couple of lovers of different sizes and I always found it a really hot way to play.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with you. It was my first time to try anal. Never had something big like that in my back body before. I might try it with my husband again as long as he wants it. I have satisfied my husband's curiosity, for him, it is pure curiosity.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

marcopoly69 said:


> Thanks for your words. I saw this article that I sent my wife for a reading, and the same night she was loving, started sex, gave my a very nice hot bj that we finished with passionate love making...it was like another woman....y last night was again incredible and I got to tell you...it is the first time I fell so love and satisfied.
> 
> Please read this article so far has changed my live....
> 
> ...


I thought it is another article. I read it already. If you think that I don't understand man's physical needs, I have a big smile for you. I am pretty good at sex, you can ask my husband.


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> I thought it is another article. I read it already. If you think that I don't understand man's physical needs, I have a big smile for you. I am pretty good at sex, you can ask my husband.


Good for you...life is beautiful when the woman you love and would give your life for, understands you and is ready to do the best she can to show you her love.....I know there still way to go, but I promised her that when things wouldn't work out the way I had in my mind, I would not become frustrated...which I've been doing. I love my wife and I just want to be able to have access to her body but been welcome too. If you have any other interesting articles please let me know...


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> We are all learning to have better sex and better marriage. I am happy that you and your wife can have great sex. My husband and I have great sex together. I really understand the importance of happy sex life. It can really make us pleasant around each other.


I like to think that those of us that experience full happiness, are those who are able to evolved and changed for the better. Trust, respect, love and knowledge makes the grounds for a very exciting lives......today, I am expecting the first BJ with the kind of finishing that blow your mind....not only coming in her mouth but she liking me until I ask her to stop.....the idea is when you feel that your wife loves and wants your penis, testicles and semen it is like wow...she loves me so much!....to me, it is not dirty, it is a way to make sure your man would never look at other woman.....


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

marcopoly69 said:


> I like to think that those of us that experience full happiness, are those who are able to evolved and changed for the better. Trust, respect, love and knowledge makes the grounds for a very exciting lives......today, I am expecting the first BJ with the kind of finishing that blow your mind....not only coming in her mouth but she liking me until I ask her to stop.....the idea is when you feel that your wife loves and wants your penis, testicles and semen it is like wow...she loves me so much!....to me, it is not dirty, it is a way to make sure your man would never look at other woman.....


I am happy for your happy marriage with your wife. You are right, we should always perfect our relationship, it will make us happy people. We don't get all the stuff we want from our spouse, but we do get a lot. And we should be pretty content with it. Be happy with what we get. For what we don't get, what a big deal? Not everybody can get whatever they want.

My husband really enjoys oral sex. I give my husband blow jobs all the time, but I can never make him come orally. I don't work hard enough. 

He gets this:

He licks me.......... I get to have a very strong orgasm................. oh, man, orgasm from licking is so strong that I can't have it too often, much stronger than normal sex.........
my MI MI is super happy.............. We go to the bedroom............... he works on me............... Then he shoots all his seeds in my mouth..............the seeds don't taste very good , but I eat all of them, my husband likes to see it................now, the greatest part..............after I eat his seeds, I keep on licking my husband's toy's head, focus on his sensitive part, licking...........oh, man, my husband just ou ou ou ou ou ooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu loudly.......................... 

Please try...........................I love it, he loves it. He gets it maybe three or four times a year. I get to come orally once a month maybe.


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> I am happy for your happy marriage with your wife. You are right, we should always perfect our relationship, it will make us happy people. We don't get all the stuff we want from our spouse, but we do get a lot. And we should be pretty content with it. Be happy with what we get. For what we don't get, what a big deal? Not everybody can get whatever they want.
> 
> My husband really enjoys oral sex. I give my husband blow jobs all the time, but I can never make him come orally. I don't work hard enough.
> 
> ...


WOW.....you are a very good friend!...and wife....to me it has to be a combination of things....respect, love, laughter, same approach to rise children, trust, and then the best sex you can have...as dirty you can make it and still feel good.....to me, this is a new phase in my life where I get to push the boundaries of our sex lives a bit more....can't wait to buy our first dildo to use on her while trying anal sex....I think, since she seems to enjoy it sometimes, be what's missing....we'll see....long way before that though. Anyway, I hope to have a 69 I been dreaming about for a while now but every time that may happen she is not feeling comfortable....but when it happens, I'll be eating her goodies so much!!...I better stop since I am at work far from my wife jajaja


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

You must buy her the tapes of female masturbation seminars by Dr. Betty Dodson! The seminar starts with the group of ladies examining their vulvas. Many of us women are self-conscious for example about our long inner lips, the color/shape of our lips, etc, just as you guys are worried about the size of your toy. Once you see all these other naked women, you relax. These women all masturbate with a vibrator until climax. It is all so natural, it just makes you feel like masturbating is the most natural thing in the world. Your wife's head games are interfering with her pleasure, I think. My 2cents.


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

Sara Ann said:


> You must buy her the tapes of female masturbation seminars by Dr. Betty Dodson! The seminar starts with the group of ladies examining their vulvas. Many of us women are self-conscious for example about our long inner lips, the color/shape of our lips, etc, just as you guys are worried about the size of your toy. Once you see all these other naked women, you relax. These women all masturbate with a vibrator until climax. It is all so natural, it just makes you feel like masturbating is the most natural thing in the world. Your wife's head games are interfering with her pleasure, I think. My 2cents.


Thanks for your suggestion....I think you are right....tu me is super frustrating that she seems not to like oral sex....or is she does, don't feel it....but I can even get it to wash sex short videos in the internet, I don't know how I can get it to wash that....like I told you for her is very difficult feel sexual....her sister never masturbated according to her husband and I believe it since I know my parents in law....since they were little the talk was nobody touches your genitals, it is bad to touch yourself there etc....the first time, as a boy friend and girl friend, that we talk about touching her genitals, we were teen agers and she said to me..."never, it is my thing and nobody is supposed to touch it" to what I was shock! so what I can say but she has come along way...and I love her for that and I hope the future is to bring more passion and excitment:smthumbup:


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> First I am curious where you are from. Second I want to tell you anal sex is no fun. I love my husband so much that one day I let him try. He didn't like the way I screamed. He didn't like the way his toy moved. His toy couldn't move freely. He told me that he would never try anal again. I am fine. His size is big though. Maybe that's the problem. I don't like rubber sex toys either. I just don't get aroused when I see rubber. Tell you honestly, I am not a conservative woman. Sigh.......................man.......................enjoy what you have. You have a wonderful wife. At least you get to have sex with her quite often!!!


I am from Canada but came to her 15 years ago...from Chile. I am 41 years old and very passionate about my family, particularly my wife....I just to love and be loved to the fullest


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

I make sure to raise my kids that masturbation is good. Only when you love and know your body, you can be a better spouse later. I am responsible for the future sexual fulfillment of my kids *and* their spouses. Big responsibility.

The other day my tween had a friend spend the night. They were sleeping in the living room. I was sitting in the hallway upstairs reading a book, and I heard all this panting and heavy breathing. I know he was masturbating. The friend was 13. Good for him! But I was surprised he would do it in the open like that. I made sure he did not know I heard anything. I thought, what if I traumatize this kid for life, because he is found out? I know that being found out by an adult is very troubling for a kid. I think he wanted my son to hear him, because of a comment he made that he'd been awake already for an hour.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

marcopoly69 said:


> I am from Canada but came to her 15 years ago...from Chile. I am 41 years old and very passionate about my family, particularly my wife....I just to love and be loved to the fullest


It is so nice to see that you have a wonderful marriage. Now I know more about you. It helps me understand you. I always have this theory, if you give, you will receive, maybe not 100% in the way you want, but you will receive. It is even easier for a man to be reciprocated. Like I always say, if the husband is good, it is easy for his wife to be good. Even though your wife is conservative, but she is very giving towards you. You are making your wife happy, you also make your kids happy, in return, they make you happy. SO, BE HAPPY! I have always being giving, towards my husband, towards my family, towards my friends, towards my job, I feel I receive a lot of happiness from them also.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi marcpoli-(sp?) 

Sharing 

Even women with conservative backgrounds need healing in areas about touching themselves. Becuase sexuality was not presented in a healthy way-this can happen to women who haven't been abused. 

Maybe and it is important taht you do that you both discuss your sex life before and during and after sex. 

That way you both can make sure that your on the same page about things and helping each other to overcome some tough stuff. 

It takes a woman a long time to realize that she can touch herself and it is important that she does and learn about her body so taht she can enjoy for herself as well as you. etc. 

Your thoughts? 

Judith


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Marocopoly

sharing

Some women it needs to grow and learn about and work through their feelings about oral sex. It takes time on that one for them. especially where your wife is coming from

Your thoughts? 

Judith


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

jmsclayton said:


> Marocopoly
> 
> sharing
> 
> ...


mmmm, I understand but it is very difficult to talk to her about why she does not like to touch herself in anyway....it is like she feels dirty if she does it....it took me years to convince her about trimming down hairs down there....I do have to say, however, that only about 6 months ago she starting to experience two or more orgasms during sex....which to me is very exciting since it opens up a world of possibilities. Nonetheless, it is still a struggle since she is not used to invest on relationships as much!....she loves me very much...I know..and I love her to death.....I hope to continue evolve and experience new things with her but I am absolutely going to try to help her to feel more comfortable touching herself. to me will be the very best, seeing her pleasuring herself...I am going to buy a vibrator and a dildo and see her reception - probably won't want to do anything with them at first....my dream is to use both to make her cum and then make love and make her cum again and then lick her back door and try anal and keep using the dildo vaginally, and hopefully maker cum that way again...and cum with her....to me that will be a fantasy...


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

marcopoly69 said:


> mmmm, I understand but it is very difficult to talk to her about why she does not like to touch herself in anyway....it is like she feels dirty if she does it....it took me years to convince her about trimming down hairs down there....I do have to say, however, that only about 6 months ago she starting to experience two or more orgasms during sex....which to me is very exciting since it opens up a world of possibilities. Nonetheless, it is still a struggle since she is not used to invest on relationships as much!....she loves me very much...I know..and I love her to death.....I hope to continue evolve and experience new things with her but I am absolutely going to try to help her to feel more comfortable touching herself. to me will be the very best, seeing her pleasuring herself...I am going to buy a vibrator and a dildo and see her reception - probably won't want to do anything with them at first....my dream is to use both to make her cum and then make love and make her cum again and then lick her back door and try anal and keep using the dildo vaginally, and hopefully maker cum that way again...and cum with her....to me that will be a fantasy...


You men are funny, Just makes me have a big smile on my face! I think I should talk to your wife and let her know her husband is desperate to please her. So just open herself and let him pleasure her!!!


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> You men are funny, Just makes me have a big smile on my face! I think I should talk to your wife and let her know her husband is desperate to please her. So just open herself and let him pleasure her!!!


You get it...it is all about love, laughter, connection, and being in the same page - here is when the problem arise since not always my wife understands that I need to be told that I am a good father, husband, provided and lover....but I know it is not totally her fault - her parents are like sex *the devil !! *jajaja and it will take a long while for her to finally get that it is not about treating her like a sex object but it is about embracing:smthumbup: your husband sexuality power as a gift for her....


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I really know the importance of telling others how much we appreciate them now. I wasn't good at that. Chinese are terrible in this way. I know my family loves me, but they only show affection when I am in the hospital. They don't know that I need affection when I am all fine. Actually regular greetings will make me feel warm and touched. I really learned this from my husband. He really knows how to give appreciation. Because I get all the good compliments from him, he just encourages me to be a better wife. So now I am the same in many ways. I use compliments to encourage him rather than saying negative things to bring him down. 

What does jajaja mean in your language? Just curious?


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi marcopoli 

see responses below-sharing 

mmmm, I understand but it is very difficult to talk to her about why she does not like to touch herself in anyway.

Judith: when you have parents like that-It is never taught that to learn about your body as a woman is very important so taht you can share and tell your spouse what you like and dont like. Have you thought about writing letters between each other? Usually someitmes that is easier for her and a woman like her to talk about it taht way? Talk to a male is sometimes a challenge for a woman from that background

...it is like she feels dirty if she does it...

Judith: Because she was made to feel taht that part of the body is dirty when it isn't and maybe because when there is no sex it is that body part is used for other purposes. It is the feeling that needs to be release -which connecting the feeling and the body is a challenge. She needs to be able to link the two. And maybe a body image issue going on. 

.it took me years to convince her about trimming down hairs down there....I do have to say, however, that only about 6 months ago she starting to experience two or more orgasms during sex....which to me is very exciting since it opens up a world of possibilities. Nonetheless, it is still a struggle since she is not used to invest on relationships as much!...

Judith; Well it can be hard to see nonsexual relationship in sex for a woman of that background. how one sees oneself sexually can affect how one handles nonsexual in sex. etc. I understand what your saying

.she loves me very much...I know..and I love her to death.....I hope to continue evolve and experience new things with her but I am absolutely going to try to help her to feel more comfortable touching herself. 

JUdith: Very important. Maybe talk about as it is happneing what she is feeling and why-etc. trust and safety emotionally is key for this. It is important that she does so she can learn about her body and understand how it works in relation to you... 

to me will be the very best, seeing her pleasuring herself.

Judith: Women from this background do not understand alot how the male female differences work out in sex and why... So this is something that she might not know about and I am believe doesnt. How it benefits you and her

..I am going to buy a vibrator and a dildo and see her reception - probably won't want to do anything with them at first..

Judith: Probably not it will take time for her mentally to get up the courage to do it. It is important that she does and that way she can also learn about her body more and so on

..my dream is to use both to make her cum and then make love and make her cum again and then lick her back door and try anal and keep using the dildo vaginally, and hopefully maker cum that way again...and cum with her....to me that will be a fantasy... 

Judith: I would like to suggest that you keep in mind that there is a male female difference here taht -she may or may not need to "work" through emotionally. It can happen and she will want to but... slowly. 

your thoughts? 

Judith


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> I really know the importance of telling others how much we appreciate them now. I wasn't good at that. Chinese are terrible in this way. I know my family loves me, but they only show affection when I am in the hospital. They don't know that I need affection when I am all fine. Actually regular greetings will make me feel warm and touched. I really learned this from my husband. He really knows how to give appreciation. Because I get all the good compliments from him, he just encourages me to be a better wife. So now I am the same in many ways. I use compliments to encourage him rather than saying negative things to bring him down.
> 
> What does jajaja mean in your language? Just curious?


It is like I am laughing.....or smiling...

I always complement my wife...I think she is so used to here how beautiful I think she is and how greatful I am of having her in my live....we are sweethearts from high school. We started dating when she turned 17 and I was 18...6 years dating before we married but life back then did not allow us to enjoy teen sex...you know, going for 6 or 8 times in one night...anyway, I hope today in this time of our lives we'll be able to have all that and more...may be not 6 or 8 times a night but 2 o 3 times for her and 2 for me....you know when you are healthy, work out and sleep plenty, plus you work your keagels muscles, men can develop ability tu ejaculate without loosing an erection...that's what happen to me almost all the time....anyway, last night she gave me a bj that I still smiling this morning....and tonight is welcome back (she was with her period) so I am specting to have a very fun night....:smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

jmsclayton said:


> Hi marcopoli
> 
> see responses below-sharing
> 
> ...


Thanks for your words....you are right, she needs to learn to please herself, but since she seems to ejoy the most penetration, I think the dildo is the best way to go....may be with the dildo and me licking her clig and lips, I may be able to please her enough so she can cum.....to me is everything about pleasing her...the most orgasms she has, the better.....thanks:smthumbup:


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

marcopoly69 said:


> It is like I am laughing.....or smiling...
> 
> I always complement my wife...I think she is so used to here how beautiful I think she is and how greatful I am of having her in my live....we are sweethearts from high school. We started dating when she turned 17 and I was 18...6 years dating before we married but life back then did not allow us to enjoy teen sex...you know, going for 6 or 8 times in one night...anyway, I hope today in this time of our lives we'll be able to have all that and more...may be not 6 or 8 times a night but 2 o 3 times for her and 2 for me....you know when you are healthy, work out and sleep plenty, plus you work your keagels muscles, men can develop ability tu ejaculate without loosing an erection...that's what happen to me almost all the time....anyway, last night she gave me a bj that I still smiling this morning....and tonight is welcome back (she was with her period) so I am specting to have a very fun night....:smthumbup::smthumbup:


From your posts, I can sense that you are a very funny man. Waited for 6 years, you were really great. I couldn't wait for a month. You can still be hard after you come? That's amazing. My husband can stay half hard for five minutes maybe. So tonight you are going to have fun again. My husband has to wait for a few more nights! jajaja


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

My husband tells me that I am beautiful and young and sexy all the time. He really makes me feel I am a great woman. It gives me a lot of confidence!!! Women being watered by their husbands' love all the time bloom very beautifully!!!


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> From your posts, I can sense that you are a very funny man. Waited for 6 years, you were really great. I couldn't wait for a month. You can still be hard after you come? That's amazing. My husband can stay half hard for five minutes maybe. So tonight you are going to have fun again. My husband has to wait for a few more nights! jajaja


I don't have an orgasm when she has the first one but I ejaculate which makes everything hotter and better since well....I am still hard very horny and she is too.....now, it would be nice if I could stop and have a bit of a bj or anal and then come back en finish her again...but she does not feel comfortable with her own taste so it is still something we need to work on....my desire...being able to do anything and everything......and I am a funny man...we always laugh - I make good jokes and the kids know I am the funny and momy is the boring...but also they know that I am the grumpy one and momy is not....:smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

marcopoly69 said:


> I don't have an orgasm when she has the first one but I ejaculate which makes everything hotter and better since well....I am still hard very horny and she is too.....now, it would be nice if I could stop and have a bit of a bj or anal and then come back en finish her again...but she does not feel comfortable with her own taste so it is still something we need to work on....my desire...being able to do anything and everything......and I am a funny man...we always laugh - I make good jokes and the kids know I am the funny and momy is the boring...but also they know that I am the grumpy one and momy is not....:smthumbup::smthumbup:


Who has all this time and energy to play with you? Sex, BJ, sex, anal, sex....................How come you have all this energy? Don't you need to work? Don't you get tired? I can't last too long. I am glad that my husband can finish in ten minutes. :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:
Once I read a post somewhere, a woman was complaining that her husband lasts three hours. We had a good time laughing at that man! Then a woman came and said her husband can't last 
a minute. We also had a good time making fun of each other. I joked: Hey, women are great in this way, no matter what, we have our hxxls. Men have to worry about their sizes, and they have to worry if they can last long or not. Pathetic men!!! :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Marcopoli

your welcome anytime dont be afraid to ask etc 

Judith


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> Who has all this time and energy to play with you? Sex, BJ, sex, anal, sex....................How come you have all this energy? Don't you need to work? Don't you get tired? I can't last too long. I am glad that my husband can finish in ten minutes. :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:
> Once I read a post somewhere, a woman was complaining that her husband lasts three hours. We had a good time laughing at that man! Then a woman came and said her husband can't last
> a minute. We also had a good time making fun of each other. I joked: Hey, women are great in this way, no matter what, we have our hxxls. Men have to worry about their sizes, and they have to worry if they can last long or not. Pathetic men!!! :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


I don't last for hours...I am done in 30 minutes but very hot 30 minutes...I do yoga already for 2 years and that helps a lot...I like to do different positions quite often so I look them up and we try them....and Saturday mornings I get either a bj o anal (but don't really like it because she does not have an orgasm or get really horny so I am trying to change that - don't know how to do it though)...I do work for the government so I do have sometimes jajaja.....althought, I would love to be much more busy....as you can tell, I am very passionate and energetic...that's why I have to go the the gym 4 o 5 times a week to burn this energy and produce testosterone....see?? I love sex so much that I am taking care of it while it last jajaj:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::iagree::iagree::iagree::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

marcopoly69 said:


> I don't last for hours...I am done in 30 minutes but very hot 30 minutes...I do yoga already for 2 years and that helps a lot...I like to do different positions quite often so I look them up and we try them....and Saturday mornings I get either a bj o anal (but don't really like it because she does not have an orgasm or get really horny so I am trying to change that - don't know how to do it though)...I do work for the government so I do have sometimes jajaja.....althought, I would love to be much more busy....as you can tell, I am very passionate and energetic...that's why I have to go the the gym 4 o 5 times a week to burn this energy and produce testosterone....see?? I love sex so much that I am taking care of it while it last jajaj:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::iagree::iagree::iagree::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


No wonder you have all the energy and time and mood. Your life is easy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How can you make her come when she is giving you a BJ? I challenge you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are a funny man. Just enjoy the fun you have. Don't be silly!:rofl::rofl::rofl:
Anal is possible, but my husband and I are not going to try anymore. He knows I don't enjoy it. He says that my pu$$y is wonderful, he doesn't miss anything. 
I know yoga can help a person last. It can help people in many ways. :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:
I feel that your wife is very sweet. She tries to fulfill your needs. She is a happy wife. Does she work?


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi

sharing


Have you considered practicing ejaculation control etc.? 
It would really help her and you

Your thoughts?


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> No wonder you have all the energy and time and mood. Your life is easy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> How can you make her come when she is giving you a BJ? I challenge you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are a funny man. Just enjoy the fun you have. Don't be silly!:rofl::rofl::rofl:
> Anal is possible, but my husband and I are not going to try anymore. He knows I don't enjoy it. He says that my pu$$y is wonderful, he doesn't miss anything.
> I know yoga can help a person last. It can help people in many ways. :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:
> I feel that your wife is very sweet. She tries to fulfill your needs. She is a happy wife. Does she work?


Yes, she does work fulltime like me....and last night...was like teen sex....she finished 3 times and by the end my orgasm was so powerful that I ended up on my back for about 10 minutes trying to go back to my normal breathing and heart bip....I was sweeting big time....she was so furious by the end that grab me and sent me to the other side...unbeliveble...I won't insist on anal often...but I do like it ..I don't know...her behind is one of her best asset since it is quite nice and big so the idea of being able to make it mine makes me really horny.....anyways, today I will bring breakfast to her (like every weekend, Saturday and Sundas) and see if she wants to give me a morning bj....tonight we probably make sweet love again....


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

jmsclayton said:


> Hi
> 
> sharing
> 
> ...


I do....everytime we have sex, I am able to stop right before cuming and I ejaculate quite a bit and then continue....in some ocassions, I ejaculate more than once before cuming....and when she gives me bjs, she is really good and let me cum in her mouths and swallos a bit since I ejaculate during the bj quite a few times too, so things become very hot since she keeps going as I have not cum yet but she is already tasting and swallowing cume already so as you can imagine, that would send anyone over the top!:smthumbup:


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Sharing

She is experiencing the precum before the actual. Forgive me if you are aware of that but are you? 

Thoughts? 

Judith


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi


sharing

I don't last for hours...I am done in 30 minutes but very hot 30 minutes.

Judith: last for hours? what do you mean here? Can you try to control and last for hours? 

Does she know that and you? I believe you do. Know that the amount you ejaculate is based on how often you do it etc.? 

Thoughts? 

Judith


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## candice912 (Sep 4, 2010)

marcopoly69 said:


> Thanks for your suggestion....I think you are right....tu me is super frustrating that she seems not to like oral sex....or is she does, don't feel it....but I can even get it to wash sex short videos in the internet, I don't know how I can get it to wash that....like I told you for her is very difficult feel sexual....her sister never masturbated according to her husband and I believe it since I know my parents in law....since they were little the talk was nobody touches your genitals, it is bad to touch yourself there etc....the first time, as a boy friend and girl friend, that we talk about touching her genitals, we were teen agers and she said to me..."never, it is my thing and nobody is supposed to touch it" to what I was shock! so what I can say but she has come along way...and I love her for that and I hope the future is to bring more passion and excitment:smthumbup:


It is a matter of education to clear this up in your marriage. The thing is, you believe that it is your wife who needs an education about sex. I agree with you. However, I also believe that you need an education about sex too. There is a huge huge difference between sex education videos and porn videos. The videos that Saraann suggested to you are sex education videos and would be wonderful for your wife and wonderful for you too. I would strongly suggest you back off from trying to get your wife to watch porn videos right now. That could be turning her off, scaring her or traumatizing her, which is NOT going to help her enjoy oral sex or anything sexual. Porn is often male centered and degrading towards women. Porn is at best entertainment and at it's worst a homewrecker. I have deep concerns that from you normalizing porn, that although you love your wife, might be comming across to her in a way that she feels objectified and no woman can relax and enjoy oral sex like that. Where did you learn about sex? I pray it's not from the porn videos. If it is, then you have been misinformed and need to educate yourself along with your wife on what healthy sex is. Did it occur to you that you might be treating your wife in a way that is harming her from your expectations created from porn? Please don't take what I'm saying in a bad way. It's just from reading you, it doesn't sound like you understand how this may be impacting your wife and I can tell by what you say that she is trying really hard to please you already. Look at betty dodson's website with your wife. It's nonthreatening and very supportive of women's sexuality.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi


sharing

She needs the sex education videos not the porn ones. 

Thoughts?

Judith


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

candice912 said:


> It is a matter of education to clear this up in your marriage. The thing is, you believe that it is your wife who needs an education about sex. I agree with you. However, I also believe that you need an education about sex too. There is a huge huge difference between sex education videos and porn videos. The videos that Saraann suggested to you are sex education videos and would be wonderful for your wife and wonderful for you too. I would strongly suggest you back off from trying to get your wife to watch porn videos right now. That could be turning her off, scaring her or traumatizing her, which is NOT going to help her enjoy oral sex or anything sexual. Porn is often male centered and degrading towards women. Porn is at best entertainment and at it's worst a homewrecker. I have deep concerns that from you normalizing porn, that although you love your wife, might be comming across to her in a way that she feels objectified and no woman can relax and enjoy oral sex like that. Where did you learn about sex? I pray it's not from the porn videos. If it is, then you have been misinformed and need to educate yourself along with your wife on what healthy sex is. Did it occur to you that you might be treating your wife in a way that is harming her from your expectations created from porn? Please don't take what I'm saying in a bad way. It's just from reading you, it doesn't sound like you understand how this may be impacting your wife and I can tell by what you say that she is trying really hard to please you already. Look at betty dodson's website with your wife. It's nonthreatening and very supportive of women's sexuality.


I understand but doing what women and men do in porn you got it admit would be pretty sensational....now, just love, communication, and see where life takes us...if we end up doing what porns start do, excellent! if not fine too....but I think one has to aim higher in live; otherwise, when you biologically can't go or don't want to go after that kind of excitement but at least you'll be able to look back ans said...wow we used to be wild....I guess everything depend on your wife willingness to go at it with you....we'll see....thanks anyways, I do understand the point.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI

sharing from personal experience

The reason I mention the sex techniques videos is because of where she is coming from. She needs to see those first before -ever seeing the other. 

Thoughts? 

Judith


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

marcopoly69 said:


> I understand but doing what women and men do in porn you got it admit would be pretty sensational....now, just love, communication, and see where life takes us...if we end up doing what porns start do, excellent! if not fine too....but I think one has to aim higher in live; otherwise, when you biologically can't go or don't want to go after that kind of excitement but at least you'll be able to look back ans said...wow we used to be wild....I guess everything depend on your wife willingness to go at it with you....we'll see....thanks anyways, I do understand the point.


We can always explore. Life is full of adventures. Just don't feel bad that we can't always have what we want. Nobody has whatever he wants. Even God can't have what HE wants. Porn stars are paid a lot of money to do all those things, average women are not tempted to do it. We do love our husbands, and we will do whatever we can to satisfy our men's curiosity, but we can't act like them or perform like them. We are not movie stars or porn stars.


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> We can always explore. Life is full of adventures. Just don't feel bad that we can't always have what we want. Nobody has whatever he wants. Even God can't have what HE wants. Porn stars are paid a lot of money to do all those things, average women are not tempted to do it. We do love our husbands, and we will do whatever we can to satisfy our men's curiosity, but we can't act like them or perform like them. We are not movie stars or porn stars.



Fair enough!....I'll keep that in mind.....:smthumbup:


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

HopeinHouston said:


> marco, many women simply do not like anal sex. It is not for everyone. If that is your entire complaint then you won't find very many sympathetic ears. I also would love some anal sex but my wife does not like it. You know what? We also have a very active and good sex life and I don't complain. Why would I force something on her that she does not enjoy. Your insistence that she would enjoy it if she would just shut up and try is not only hugely egocentric and self serving it is simply and absolutely wrong. From what you have shared here you are being incredibly selfish and childish and causing the problems in your marriage largely yourself.


:iagree:


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## Ben (May 8, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> See? That's pretty much my point. You have an established routine where something that's not normal, is totally being normalized for you. And I don't mean that in a judgmental way really. I would consider myself an extremely open and adventurous person sexually and posting do-it-yourself porn is pretty out there for me. And I'm guessing that the folks into posting on that site aren't really missionary-position-with-the-lights-out sorts of people, lol.
> 
> Here's just something that I'm going to throw out as an idea for you to consider, something that I've found helpful from time to time. Back off the porn. Maybe cut it in half or something. It's like window shopping for Bentleys on a Volkswagen budget. You're creating a lot of your own dissatisfaction by 'comparing' your sex life to the sex life of what is realistically a microscopic part of the population. You ask why you can't have that? You're watching a site catering to exhibitionists...it's a pretty specific sexual taste,and a bit outside the norm. It may be real bodies, but still really not average people.
> 
> ...


Missionary-position-with-the-lights-out sort of people actually still exist?

I know exactly where the OP is coming from, and I'm not in my 40s. I'm in my late 20s and she is the same age. We have been together a couple of years and have a daugher between us. In other words, we have not been together since teens, and I have been around long enough before to know that she is highly unsexual to the 'norm'.

The types of sexual activities in this amatuer porn really is fairly standard sort of stuff. Actually uploading it yourself is a bit out there yes, but the actual content seems fairly normal to me.

I think the OP dug him a bit of a hole with the anal thing from the start and not a very good example. It doesn't do much for me personally, but am always willing to give if the girl wants it. Only about 1/3 of girls actually want that and not an overly good expectation I think.

But he should put himself in my position. I am with a girl that is silent during sex, never once initiated, only have negative things to say about sex (like its not 'normal' for me to finish in her mouth, her jaw or neck getting sore after only one or two minutes yet I have just spent 20 mins down on her, she tired etc etc). Never anything good to say about sex. It seems like more of a chore. I have never encountered a woman like this before and I know 100% fact it is NOT the norm. She is dead silent during sex, and never plays with herself. She told me once that 'I'm not a raggy doll' (sounds immature yes?), so I came back and said 'well maybe you shouldn't act like one!'. She didn't say anything after that.

I think the point of these types of women that genuinely don't play with themselves ever, is a good one. It means that she doesn't know herself sexually and what works on her. So there is no sexual type of communication whatsoever, us men have no raw meterial to work with, so to speak. If she does have some sexual side to her, usually your influence on her over the months will balance things out, but this small, almost asexual population will be affected ZERO by your influence.

I am surprised the OP has managed to hold out for so long with this very fundamental problem. It is almost 3 years for me, and there is nothing I have not tried now. I'm almost ready to leave her and my daughter, but will never be 100% ready. I understand why men stuck in this type of situation are driven to cheat.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Ben said:


> I am with a girl that is silent during sex, never once initiated, only have negative things to say about sex (like its not 'normal' for me to finish in her mouth, her jaw or neck getting sore after only one or two minutes yet I have just spent 20 mins down on her, she tired etc etc). Never anything good to say about sex. It seems like more of a chore. I have never encountered a woman like this before and I know 100% fact it is NOT the norm. She is dead silent during sex, and never plays with herself. She told me once that 'I'm not a raggy doll' (sounds immature yes?), so I came back and said 'well maybe you shouldn't act like one!'. She didn't say anything after that.
> 
> I think the point of these types of women that genuinely don't play with themselves ever, is a good one. It means that she doesn't know herself sexually and what works on her. So there is no sexual type of communication whatsoever, us men have no raw meterial to work with, so to speak. If she does have some sexual side to her, usually your influence on her over the months will balance things out, but this small, almost asexual population will be affected ZERO by your influence.
> 
> I am surprised the OP has managed to hold out for so long with this very fundamental problem. It is almost 3 years for me, and there is nothing I have not tried now. I'm almost ready to leave her and my daughter, but will never be 100% ready. I understand why men stuck in this type of situation are driven to cheat.


I just want to say this is an old thread, Marcopoly & his wife have come a LONG way (in a good way) since he posted this, this later threads will attest. 

I can tell you I did the "lights out only 1 or 2 positions" for many many years, and I DID masterbate -probably since I was 13 or so, always orgasmed too. So even those with a nice healthy sex drive can still get HUNG UP in other areas. Mine was too much conservative religious thinking, a "sex is dirty" if it is too wild mindset (but da** it was pleasurable!) - hindered me for far too many years. Seriously this is the BIGGEST regret of my marraige, I feel we wasted many good years, HIS best years. 

I worry about my christian sons, they want to marry the Good girl, they wear their Silver purity rings with pride (2 of them anyway). I am really NOT against this , but I sure hope the Virgin is a very HORNY virgin who struggles to restrain herself to some degree, because if she doesn't have THIS , I seriously FEAR for my son's happiness in the bedroom. 

Just read too many horror stories of suffering husbands when they marry a woman who never touched herself, never craved to be "taken". TOO MUCH easy restrait = HUGE red flags. Just my opionon of coarse. 

I waited for intercoarse with my husband but there was no way in this world we could have not touched each other when we got alone. The feeling was too powerful & all consuming. BUt afterwards came the guilt & shame hamster wheel in my mind. Messed me up.


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## candice912 (Sep 4, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I just want to say this is an old thread, Marcopoly & his wife have come a LONG way (in a good way) since he posted this, this later threads will attest.
> 
> I can tell you I did the "lights out only 1 or 2 positions" for many many years, and I DID masterbate -probably since I was 13 or so, always orgasmed too. So even those with a nice healthy sex drive can still get HUNG UP in other areas. Mine was too much conservative religious thinking, a "sex is dirty" if it is too wild mindset (but da** it was pleasurable!) - hindered me for far too many years. Seriously this is the BIGGEST regret of my marraige, I feel we wasted many good years, HIS best years.
> 
> ...


I agree with you. I think men are given permission to be sexual in our society whereas women are repressed, which leaves women disconnected from their sexual selves. It seems women are expected to be "good girls" that men want to marry the good girl, but want her to be porn star after marriage. Doesn't anyone else see this huge disconnect? I didnt suffer the guilt after as you do, although I suspect many women do. However, I did have trouble with the question, "What do you want?" It's only recently that I have felt the freedom to answer that question and a lot of that is thanks to the encouragement of my husband. That is part of why I give advice to some guys to stay positive and encouraging and patient towards their wives instead of demanding. 

As for your sons, I hope you do more than worry. I hope you will share your knowledge with them at the right time. The reason I didn't suffer the guilt like you did, wasn't thanks to my mother, but thanks to my best friend's mother who was easy to talk to and answered my questions in a positive way. However, if I had my own children, I'd rather them learn from me, then get information from who knows where.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

candice912 said:


> I hope you will share your knowledge with them at the right time. The reason I didn't suffer the guilt like you did, wasn't thanks to my mother, but thanks to my best friend's mother who was easy to talk to and answered my questions in a positive way. However, if I had my own children, I'd rather them learn from me, then get information from who knows where.


If there is any mother who is OPEN with their children, It is ME. I have yet to meet one that can talk to their kids the way I do -and manage to get away with it -without them running away or saying "MMMMOOOOOMMMM, I can't talk to you like that!!". Believe me, an education is not something they are lacking in our household. The more controversial the subject, the more we like to debate it. Strangers & other kids open up to me easily, sometimes it amazes me. I am very much like your best friends Mom. 

This is funny, went to church today (Mothers Day), and the Pastor asked people in the congregation to raise their hands & say what their Mothers taught them. My 3 older boys remained silent. ON the way home, I told them they didn't give me my shining moment- joking of coarse. 

So I asked them what they would have said . My oldest says he was sitting there thinking "My mother taught me what a GOOD THING Sex is". :rofl::rofl::rofl: We talk about it all (he is in College now). My 13 yr old said I taught him how to tell someone off- he remembers this from 2nd grade dealing with a bully- I told him to get up in his face real good & to use choice words. 

I was thinking along the lines I teach them to Think -to question things, to never judge, to not waste food or $$, etc. So their answers were pretty funny.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

*Calm down!!*



marcopoly69 said:


> I love my wife with all my heart, and for most of our lives we've been busy studying, working and rising children (3 of them); in addition, we came to Canada only 15 years ago and today I can say that we've succeeded in achieving stability so I can focus in our relationship. My wife was raised by very conservative parents that always filled her head with negatives comments about sex. This can be hard for any woman to overcome. My parents were so strict that I could not date until I was 18. I was having my first kiss when everyone else was on their 4th or 5th sexual partner. Are they Catholic by any chance? I can remember being so disgusted by sex, largely because of a graphic birth video and having to attend an all girls school...I wanted to be a nun until I was 16 and discovered boys.
> 
> Today, it is causing issues in our relationship and I just can't stand it anymore...her attitude towards being more comfortable in the bedroom kills me..is like she is only doing it for me and it does not work. The problem is not that we don't have sex, don't take me wrong - we do and since she is able most of the time to have 2 orgasms and sometime 3, I can say that 50% of what I would desire in a sexual relationship we achieved. The problem is with the foreplay or trying to spice things up to which always she seems not very much excited. She tries but since she does not seem into it, it does not work.
> Maybe you can be less pushy and more patient. Two or three orgasms is quite good! How much of HER desires are you fullfilling? It goes both ways!
> ...


"You sound very frustrated. I get your exasperation, but you need to calm down and allow your wife to feel that she is safe. Give her a massage without expecting anything in return once in a while. Stop pushing anal for a month and then GENTLY revisit it with your wife. I used to cringe when my ex would say "You should give me your bum!" at least 5 times a week.  It disgusted and angered me. My husband never pressured me into anal sex. It just happened one day and we went with it. I like it once in a great while.


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## Ben (May 8, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I just want to say this is an old thread, Marcopoly & his wife have come a LONG way (in a good way) since he posted this, this later threads will attest.
> 
> I can tell you I did the "lights out only 1 or 2 positions" for many many years, and I DID masterbate -probably since I was 13 or so, always orgasmed too. So even those with a nice healthy sex drive can still get HUNG UP in other areas. Mine was too much conservative religious thinking, a "sex is dirty" if it is too wild mindset (but da** it was pleasurable!) - hindered me for far too many years. Seriously this is the BIGGEST regret of my marraige, I feel we wasted many good years, HIS best years.
> 
> ...


I understand exactly where you come from. You speak of yourself as the example of the religious wife with hung-ups about particular sexual activities, well fortunately used to anyway. I see this type of situation does at least have improvement potential over the months/years.

We are non-religious and she doesn't really have hung-ups in that manner so to speak (except with me finishing in her mouth & a couple other specifics). My issues with her are related to her sexual inhibition, lack of genuine desire & lack of a sensual side. Basically her way of thinking is that sex is something I let him do to me. We do other sexual acts outside of the missionary thing, like oral each other, 69 etc. It's just me leading all the time and me the only one wanting more than once a week penetration only.

Basically it is a very fustrating problem with no fix. I have tried the whole going out to expensive dinner thing, making a good night out of it etc, with no affect. She sees it as more of an obligation for sex which compounds the problem. If I have a serious talk with her about the issues that she does admit to, sex is a little better for a few days minus the initiating, but the old habbits slowly creep back. Sometimes I really think that it is something that is going on in her mind on an unconscious level.

She sees the problem but she definitely doesn't want to deal with it. So many times has she changed the subject to something totally different and irrelevant during our talks. Probably the most painful part about the whole situation is that she loves me to bits. I still have love for her, but it is now deeply dug down there somewhere. While I have always been very much against infidelity, I still feel I am a normal man with normal urges and would be an easy target to be seduced by a more actively sexual woman under the right conditions.

Anyway that is from me with a similar situation so just thought I would put it out there. I only noticed the date after I made the post so sorry about that.

I am glad things are working out for the OP!


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## Ben (May 8, 2011)

candice912 said:


> I give advice to some guys to stay positive and encouraging and patient towards their wives instead of demanding.


I always use patience and am never demanding, but now deep down I do also have resentment.

Earlier on I tried being understanding even though I didn't understand, which probably makes little sense. Now while I do still have patience and am a good listener, I speak in a more logical and open manner, not taking blame for her own frigidity.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Ben said:


> I always use patience and am never demanding, but now deep down I do also have resentment.
> 
> Earlier on I tried being understanding even though I didn't understand, which probably makes little sense. Now while I do still have patience and am a good listener, I speak in a more logical and open manner, not taking blame for her own frigidity.


My husband was much TOO PASSIVE with me all those years. Had he not been a little repressed himself - due to things we heard over & over & over in the Church pew, maybe just maybe we would have had more of an exciting sex life- he also put himself down, feeling he was a more considerate husband that way, he admits to feeling some resentment towards me also. This really upset me -because he never made an issue out of it -EVER. I did not feel that was fair. I had the right to KNOW he was hurting. He even "allowed" me to put the babies inbetween us in bed. What a NO NO in marraige ! 

When it comes to differing libido's, here is a great book on the issue Amazon.com: When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life (9781569242711): Sandra Pertot: Books It has questions for your spouse & you to go through at the end to help you both better understand each other. I highly recommend. 

If she is on hormonal birth control , this could greatly hamper her sex drive. Try to dig deep on what turns her on, for me reading a romance novel or watching a HOT R rated movie --did it's charm every single time. I WENT after him! 

Ben, No need to apologize for an older thread, if it relates to your situation , go for it !


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## candice912 (Sep 4, 2010)

Ben said:


> I understand exactly where you come from. You speak of yourself as the example of the religious wife with hung-ups about particular sexual activities, well fortunately used to anyway. I see this type of situation does at least have improvement potential over the months/years.
> 
> We are non-religious and she doesn't really have hung-ups in that manner so to speak (except with me finishing in her mouth & a couple other specifics). My issues with her are related to her sexual inhibition, lack of genuine desire & lack of a sensual side. Basically her way of thinking is that sex is something I let him do to me. We do other sexual acts outside of the missionary thing, like oral each other, 69 etc. It's just me leading all the time and me the only one wanting more than once a week penetration only.
> 
> ...


Have you two tried counseling? From reading this, I cant help but wonder if she didn't have a bad experience before that is causing her to clam up. Did she have a bad experience with a boyfriend or did something bad happen when she was a child. Do you know? Are you certain, because people can bury this sort of thing, even develope a mental block about it if it wasnt validated at the time. Counseling could help if that is the case. Otherwise, since you say you are not religious, and honestly it wasn't religion that was my greatest source of trouble, but what did her parents teach her? Those are the two things I find to be big sources of difficulties with people as far as desire and being sexual are concerned. As far as cuming in the mouth, etc, many women aren't crazy about that. Even if they do it, they often don't really like it. Many women do it, because guys make such a big to do about it, or simply because they love their spouse and want to please them, but not because they dream of doing that. The only other thing I can suggest to you is perhaps to watch some sex education videos with your wife. Check out this site: Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross | Sex Information Online
You might even learn a thing or two from it as well
My husband grumbled a little at first and after watching a few came around. Most are posted on utube and I'd start there with the info on the web and a few of the videos. Even my husband admits that she dispells some myths that men have about women. So, it may help both of you. At the very least, it might open up the conversation. Dont force her though if she's too uneasy. Note: this is not porn and don't make the mistake to replace porn with sex education. It is not the same thing at all!


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## Ben (May 8, 2011)

candice912 said:


> Have you two tried counseling? From reading this, I cant help but wonder if she didn't have a bad experience before that is causing her to clam up. Did she have a bad experience with a boyfriend or did something bad happen when she was a child. Do you know? Are you certain, because people can bury this sort of thing, even develope a mental block about it if it wasnt validated at the time. Counseling could help if that is the case. Otherwise, since you say you are not religious, and honestly it wasn't religion that was my greatest source of trouble, but what did her parents teach her? Those are the two things I find to be big sources of difficulties with people as far as desire and being sexual are concerned. As far as cuming in the mouth, etc, many women aren't crazy about that. Even if they do it, they often don't really like it. Many women do it, because guys make such a big to do about it, or simply because they love their spouse and want to please them, but not because they dream of doing that. The only other thing I can suggest to you is perhaps to watch some sex education videos with your wife. Check out this site: Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross | Sex Information Online
> You might even learn a thing or two from it as well
> My husband grumbled a little at first and after watching a few came around. Most are posted on utube and I'd start there with the info on the web and a few of the videos. Even my husband admits that she dispells some myths that men have about women. So, it may help both of you. At the very least, it might open up the conversation. Dont force her though if she's too uneasy. Note: this is not porn and don't make the mistake to replace porn with sex education. It is not the same thing at all!


She lost a stillborn which was at about 6 months development about 5 years ago which she always says she will never get over it but never recieved any sort of counseling for it, and I have suggested counseling for us but she has basically said that it's not for her. She doesn't 'do' counseling. I am always there if she wants to talk about her loss but she says she has always had to figure it out on her own.

In addition, the only other loss is that her dad died when she was 4, so she was raised by her mum basically all her life. Her mum is very laid back not too many rules type of mum so I am surprised she has the attitude towards sex she currently does. She has said she has never initiated sex with any ex boyfriends, ever. She has never 'needed' to she says. I believe based on this, that she has also always had sexual inhibition, and without the option of counseling being avaliable, I cannot change our sex life by my own.

Watching porn with her just doesn't do much. She doesn't seem to get turned on much more by it. Alcohol probably works the best with switching her into the mood. She takes no birth control because I am sterile. She does take SSRI based antidepressants, which the doctor guaranteed would not decrease sex drive. Since she has been on the SSRIs her sex drive has not changed really. Her drive has been the same since I have known her. I believe the problem doesn't lie with her drive, but with her sexual inhibition and overall attitude towards sex.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

michzz said:


> You are very confused. Her dislike of anal sex does not indicate her lack of love for you. She just doesn't like anal sex!


We are here AGAIN?!


> You pressuring her to do things she doesn't like to do is not a good thing for your relationship.


Amen, brother.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

marcopoly69 said:


> Yes, and she says that I am the one with ideas....she does not have sexual fantasies or feel comfortable in some positions...last night we talked and she understood that it is important for a relationship to change or you run the chances of destroy it!


Mods, is there any way to block a poster AND EVERYTHING DOWN THREAD of something that is posted by them?

Thanks.


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## candice912 (Sep 4, 2010)

Ben said:


> She lost a stillborn which was at about 6 months development about 5 years ago which she always says she will never get over it but never recieved any sort of counseling for it, and I have suggested counseling for us but she has basically said that it's not for her. She doesn't 'do' counseling. I am always there if she wants to talk about her loss but she says she has always had to figure it out on her own.
> 
> In addition, the only other loss is that her dad died when she was 4, so she was raised by her mum basically all her life. Her mum is very laid back not too many rules type of mum so I am surprised she has the attitude towards sex she currently does. She has said she has never initiated sex with any ex boyfriends, ever. She has never 'needed' to she says. I believe based on this, that she has also always had sexual inhibition, and without the option of counseling being avaliable, I cannot change our sex life by my own.
> 
> Watching porn with her just doesn't do much. She doesn't seem to get turned on much more by it. Alcohol probably works the best with switching her into the mood. She takes no birth control because I am sterile. She does take SSRI based antidepressants, which the doctor guaranteed would not decrease sex drive. Since she has been on the SSRIs her sex drive has not changed really. Her drive has been the same since I have known her. I believe the problem doesn't lie with her drive, but with her sexual inhibition and overall attitude towards sex.


Ben, I never said porn. Repeat. I NEVER said to watch porn. Betty Dodson is a sex educator. She explains the difference between porn and sex education well. There are many videos on her site fully clothes where they just explain things to you. They are short two to seven minute videos answering questions of viewers. She also has written books and made tapes on certain topics to help women with the very problem your wife has. Most likely, due to our society never giving women permission to be their sexual selves and only after marriage we end up with husband who want a sexual powerhouse. Can you see that problem. Your resentment won't help. Here is an idea, have you ever tried to please your wife without putting pressure on her to perform? Have you ever tried being supportive and helping her reconnect to her sexuality? Maybe try baby steps, like non sexual touch first and work up to it. 

As for the baby, I'm really sorry, but you can reassure her that 40% of all pregancies terminate on their own naturally. It's not her fault. Nature decided the conditions weren't right, so the best outcome for the baby's sake happened. Has this prevented her from trying again? Is this the main issue? 

Counseling: Tell her you are going to counseling because you want to improve your marriage and invite her to come along. If she says no, then stay positive and say, well, if you change your mind, you are welcome to join. Maybe if she starts seeing positive changes in you and that counseling isn't the demon she thought it was, she will come check it out. 

About thos SSRIs: May I ask what she is taking those for? That is new info and may change my advice.


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## candice912 (Sep 4, 2010)

Ben, 
Actually you might be able to change her attitude towards sex on your own. Seriously, if a guy makes me safe and supportive, then I'm more open. If I feel criticized or pressured, I feel anxious and closed.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

This was from Sept 2010 and the troll has been permanently banned. Exactly why is this worth digging up? If in doubt, check the post date on the left hand side.


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## Ben (May 8, 2011)

candice912 said:


> Ben, I never said porn. Repeat. I NEVER said to watch porn. Betty Dodson is a sex educator. She explains the difference between porn and sex education well. There are many videos on her site fully clothes where they just explain things to you. They are short two to seven minute videos answering questions of viewers. She also has written books and made tapes on certain topics to help women with the very problem your wife has. Most likely, due to our society never giving women permission to be their sexual selves and only after marriage we end up with husband who want a sexual powerhouse. Can you see that problem. Your resentment won't help. Here is an idea, have you ever tried to please your wife without putting pressure on her to perform? Have you ever tried being supportive and helping her reconnect to her sexuality? Maybe try baby steps, like non sexual touch first and work up to it.
> 
> As for the baby, I'm really sorry, but you can reassure her that 40% of all pregancies terminate on their own naturally. It's not her fault. Nature decided the conditions weren't right, so the best outcome for the baby's sake happened. Has this prevented her from trying again? Is this the main issue?
> 
> ...


I have tried so many times that I lost count to try to bring her to orgasm without any pressure at all. She doesn't seem to quite get there. A couple of times she said that it feels like she needs to pee, but she can't seem to get past it. I assure you that I have tried everything and searched internet forums high and low looking for answers. The problem is compunded by the fact she has sexual inhibitions and is very shy talking about sex to the point where I try and initiate a conversation about sex and her only answers are 'i dunno', which obviously makes it impossible to progress anywhere. I try going down on her for 20+ minutes, she gets very wet, she seems to enjoy it, but no orgasm. When she goes down on me, it is usually not a full effort and lasts 5 minutes maximum before she says her jaw is getting sore. When we do 69, that is significantly better. She doesn't seem to like the idea of that position initially, saying things like 'why do we have to do that'. Yet once we get started, we often go for 20+ minutes in that position, I guess because she is enjoying it at the same time, she forgets about her jaw and it really does feel like we are mutually satisfying each other. But that is about the only position I really enjoy with her. If she has to perform oral on me only, she seems to be bored by it and it comes across as more of a chore. I have talked about this issue also with no real answers in return.

The baby was lost over 5 years ago, before we were together and she has successfully given birth to 2 after this, 1 between us and the other that considers me dad, and so do I.

Counseling is something I have talked to her about before. She always has refused the idea with no thought or discussion with me on the issue. When we were going through a very rough patch a couple months ago and I got fed up and went to the pub for a few hours to cool off, she later acknowledged that the loss of her first child has always affected her more than she let me know, yet she said she doesn't want to let go of her. She seemed a little more open to the idea of counseling in the heat of that moment, yet a couple days later she tells me via txt msg she doesn't need counseling and she said she can deal with it on her own. I also know that she would have a very hard time trying to talk to a counselor due to her shyness and inability to touch on sensitive issues with another person.

The SSRIs are for her depression which I believe wasn't very well diagnosed. The doctor simply started prescribing her those about a year ago, and it has seemed to help her become more relaxed.


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## candice912 (Sep 4, 2010)

You said she refused to go to counseling, so I am very alarmed she is being handed pills for depression, a psychiatric condition without a proper diagnosis by a psychiatric professional. Seriously, doctors hand them out like candy for a slew of conditions like it's a magic pill without any other monitoring or assistance. I haven't heard anything from you that sounds like she needs this medication. You sound suspicious of it and you should be. Many SSRI's cause permenent sexual disfunction, so I would seriously try and get her off of that if you can. You will need to do it with a doctor, because she can't go cold turkey off of that stuff. I'm warning you about those meds. I have had dear friends that have not been the same since taking those and seem to be an empty shell of the person I once knew. And like you, I never noticed before that they were so "depressed" that they needed medicating. Maybe they just had a rough spot and needed someone to talk to, but the meds are profitable to the drug companies. Trust your gut on this and do your homework. Fight for your wife's health on this one. It might be hard for you to reach your wife fully emotionally as long as she is on this garbage. Pardon my usage. I have just seen too many lives ruined by antidepressants. 

Reading the rest of your story, it sounds like you too are having an active sex life and that she enjoys it. Maybe take the pressure off the table of acheiving the big O. As long as she enjoys it, then relax a little and maybe it will come on it's own one day. Maybe she feels she is letting you down by not being able to have one. Do you know 30% of all women have never had one. It is sadly our culture that has created this disconnect in women. Women are not given the same liberties as men for exploring their sexuality. I do believe her, "I dunno" answer is an honest one. Until she feels safe to explore her own sexuality, most likely she has no idea what she really wants or what pleases her and definitely doesn't know how to have an orgasm. Go watch the videos I suggested to you whether your wife will join you or not. 

'why do we have to do that'.
Okay, I'm a little concerned about what your wife is saying here. It sounds like she feels forced to do something she doesn't feel comfortable doing. Maybe you think you are encouraging her, but are you sure you are watching for signs that she feels scared or forced? She may be trying to please you, but if she feels pressured, she will never have an orgasm that way. 

About her jaw: Of course it is! Maybe you should help her or show her some things to switch off. Again, go watch the videos, hopefully with her and maybe it will take the pressure off of her having to come up with answers she doesn't even have. Maybe if she watches with you, shy or not, she can learn some things without having to ask uncomfortable questions. 

Good luck to you and keep trying. Be patient.


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## Ben (May 8, 2011)

candice912 said:


> You said she refused to go to counseling, so I am very alarmed she is being handed pills for depression, a psychiatric condition without a proper diagnosis by a psychiatric professional. Seriously, doctors hand them out like candy for a slew of conditions like it's a magic pill without any other monitoring or assistance. I haven't heard anything from you that sounds like she needs this medication. You sound suspicious of it and you should be. Many SSRI's cause permenent sexual disfunction, so I would seriously try and get her off of that if you can. You will need to do it with a doctor, because she can't go cold turkey off of that stuff. I'm warning you about those meds. I have had dear friends that have not been the same since taking those and seem to be an empty shell of the person I once knew. And like you, I never noticed before that they were so "depressed" that they needed medicating. Maybe they just had a rough spot and needed someone to talk to, but the meds are profitable to the drug companies. Trust your gut on this and do your homework. Fight for your wife's health on this one. It might be hard for you to reach your wife fully emotionally as long as she is on this garbage. Pardon my usage. I have just seen too many lives ruined by antidepressants.
> 
> Reading the rest of your story, it sounds like you too are having an active sex life and that she enjoys it. Maybe take the pressure off the table of acheiving the big O. As long as she enjoys it, then relax a little and maybe it will come on it's own one day. Maybe she feels she is letting you down by not being able to have one. Do you know 30% of all women have never had one. It is sadly our culture that has created this disconnect in women. Women are not given the same liberties as men for exploring their sexuality. I do believe her, "I dunno" answer is an honest one. Until she feels safe to explore her own sexuality, most likely she has no idea what she really wants or what pleases her and definitely doesn't know how to have an orgasm. Go watch the videos I suggested to you whether your wife will join you or not.
> 
> ...


Thankyou very much for your help Candice. Thing about the SSRIs are they have defiantly helped with her 'tiredness' all the time. After the birth of our daughter, she seemed tired all the time. They have helped with that, beyond doubt. As far as her being emotionally empty, I do see some signs but before she was on them, she was very tired and very negative. Now she is not tired like she used to be, and she is not as negative in her behaviour. In addition, I have seen her take more value in my influence over the past few months. We get along better out of bed now more than we ever had before, but our sex has always been much the same. I have seen small changes time to time since we have been together, both good and bad, but she is the least passionate woman I have been with in my life and it is very, very difficult.

I would support her getting off the SSRIs slowly I think they have served some purpose and they are only a temp solution.

About the 'why do we have to do that', it is one of those things that before we get started, that attitude seems pre-programmed by default, but once we are going with it and I am trying my best to please her yet taking easy and relaxed no pressure, no telling her what to do or anything just letting her do what she wants etc, she becomes more chilled out, that attitude seems to disappear because I guess her horniness takes over or something. It is a very fustrating cycle. The sore jaw is another example that, yes I know all women do get sore jaws or neck from giving oral, but all my past women have at least exercised some level of creativity in that they would start slow and easy and work up, alternate use of mouth and hands, etc. My girl goes hard from the start and does the one technique continually, and does not think for ones self for our sexual activities. It is me that suggests this, changes that, etc. She says her jaw getting sore, I suggest use her hand then, she will do that and keep doing that then indefinitely until I suggest something different. That is our sex life. It is fully focused around me being the one to take the lead and she is always the one that is following.

Whether she has a big O in the future, I am not sure. The one thing I do know for sure is that she will always have inhibitions, set at the very high end of the scale for women, and she will never talk to me about sex.


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## candice912 (Sep 4, 2010)

Hmm, go play the videos I sent you and let her say, "why do we have to do that" about the education videos. 

You may always be the leader, but you never know. You can read other women on here who have changed in time.


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## Ben (May 8, 2011)

You say women who have 'changed in time', but I would like to highlight the *'in time'* part. I have been reading here and on the net, about guys that have been with their non-sexual, non-passionate wife for 20 or 30 years, and have got a small improvement over the two or three decades, usually the improvement happening in the later stages on the relationship, and I must say, that scares me to hell! That really, really does, knowing that the choice of 'sticking with it' would be a choice that would basically cost me a fufilling sex life with the passionate type I need.

I also feel very unmotivated when I feel there is nothing initiated with me and feel I don't have much strength. Because the part I need from her is lacking, that important component for relationships is lacking is therefore driving me to feel and act this way basically.


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## candice912 (Sep 4, 2010)

Ben,

I understand how you feel. Marriage is never easy. I have moments when I am frustrated that my husband doesn't do all he promised me either. I'm sure it scares the hell out of you. Who doesn't wake up some mornings and feel they are in Groundhog Day. This will take time, as hard as that is to take. Perhaps you are having a rough day today. That is understandable. All my same advice stands. I suggest you go to counseling whether she join you or not. In the end, it's your life. You have the right to tell her that you can't take this anymore and either she put in her 50% and drag her butt to counseling, or you might need to reconsider some things. I wouldn't start so strongly. I'd start by asking calmly first for your needs. 

Some of the things you are complaining about, I think should have been discussed before you got married. However, maybe they were and she has changed what she is putting into the relationship. Well, back to the plan. 

1. State your needs calmly to her. Then ask her if she understands and is willing to work on this with you. You should also hopefully li
sten to her needs and state what you are willing to do about that. 

2; Go to counseling. Invite her, but go whether she goes or not. You may not be able to change her, but when you change yourself, you will already be changing things at home. You might be surprised that she begins treating you differently when you begin to grow.

3. If after six months the above fail to produce any positive changes and she hasn't decided to join you in counseling, then you need to sit and talk again. This time you need to state your needs and about her meeting you half way and that includes counseling. I'd start with the she said she'd fix it on her own and you have given her time to do that, but it doesn't appear to be working, so you would like to ask her to try something different by attending couseling with you to save your marriage. 


Now, a note to just you. I know you are frustrated, angry, fed up and all the rest. I know you want her to be this innitiating passionate type. Well, was she like that before you married? Even still, love is ever evolving. It takes two to make it work. And even at that, the ideal mate you have in your head is not your wife. I don't know that that ideal mate exists in reality. Marriage is about compromise and give and take. I still haven't heard that you watched the videos. I've made many suggestions by now. I hear how you want her to change. That may take time and sometimes we have to begin with ourselves.


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