# Married 32 Years -- Stay or Go?



## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

I've been commenting on a lot of other posts -- so here's my story. 

Met husband in high school -- both 16. First we were just friends. Looking back it would've been better if we had just stayed friends and not become romantically involved. But he was such a great guy to talk to, and I was depressed & lonely as my best girlfriend had a boyfriend, so we became a couple.

Dated for 5 years before getting married. While dating we fought a lot, and looking back I spent a lot of time trying to make him into who I wanted him to be. He would've done anything for me, and I took advantage of that.

He proposed just after I graduated college. I said yes because I didn't want to hurt him, and because he had put up with me for 5 years and I felt I owed it to him. Biggest reason was security -- I didn't have any idea what I wanted for my life -- and now I realize I wanted a parent -- someone to take care of me and who would put up with my often immature behavior. 

First few years were pretty good (or maybe I've chosen to remember the good times). Son was born -- I had postpartum depression and without him neither our child nor I would've survived -- literally. Had our daughter, and by this time I'd started resenting him because he was so much better with the kids than I was. It was almost like a competition between us for the best parent award. Fought a lot over discipline (he was tough, me wimpy) and money (me spender, him saver). Stayed together because we had a lot of fun with the kids. 

Note -- I started sleeping on the couch 20 yrs ago and have been there since.

In 2006 I had ovarian cancer -- during & after treatment we got closer. Then in same year my Mom died (we both had cancer at the same time). I was devastated -- she was my best friend. I started blaming husband for things like making me sell her house (I wanted to keep it and live there by myself), accidentally throwing away some of her things, etc. I started to really want out of the relationship.

Last year I told him that I thought we should divorce because I never was in love with him and he deserved to have me out of his life, realizing all the misery I'd caused him over the years. He wanted us to stay together (like roommates) and take care of each other.

As I write this we're still in the same house, but all I think about is leaving. No OM -- never has been. I just want to be by myself. No sex in four years. Completely separate lives. Very little interaction -- he seems to enjoy being with everyone but me. I feel like the marriage is dead and don't have much interest in saving it, but I took the vows and I owe him so much. 

I feel horribly guilty about all of this. He is a wonderful man in every way. My mind keeps going in circles trying to decide. Any insight?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Have you talked to a counselor?

Have you spoken to your medical doctor to get yourself checked out to see if there is a medical reason behind this apathy?


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Well at least you count yourself fully to blame. A rarity here. I suppose he would do a lot better with someone else and most likely deserves it. But you still want him and are lucky that he still wants you.
I am sure that if you tried harder you could make much more of a go at it. Its not like you prefer someone else. You certainly owe it to him.


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## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

@Aug -- I haven't been to counseling myself -- I see a psychiatrist every 3 months or so for refills on my antidepressant meds. I've been on the same meds for 11 years without any relapses, so they must still be working. I haven't had a medical checkup since my cancer treatment, but I really don't think my apathy is anything physically wrong because I've felt this way for so long. He is very apathetic toward me, too -- at least that's the way I take it, although I certainly don't blame him.

@accept -- Yes, I have always blamed myself totally. He tries to take a share of the blame for the relationship deteriorating, but I tell him he's wrong -- it's my fault. I agree that I'm very lucky he still wants to stay with me, even if it's as roommates. But that's not what a marriage should be -- and it's very awkward to co-exist this way because at one time we had a fairly good marriage. 

As far as trying harder to make a go of it, last time we talked about our relationship (about 6 mo ago) I told him that I wanted to try and make it like it used to be, and he said he didn't think he could be the kind of husband to me that he was before. I have been trying little things (like hugs, asking how was his day, etc.), not wanting to come on too strong, but I don't see any response so far. Maybe he's done with me and is staying out of obligation.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Hi, it sounds like you've already decided. This was never really a true marriage, and I'm sorry -- but you do have children, and you had a life together. I think at this point you owe him the respect of being honest with him and letting him go.


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## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

@lamaga -- I agree -- I have been honest with him. That's when he asked if we could stay together and take care of each other. I don't know what else I can tell him. And I feel like I owe it to him if he wants me to stay. It's so tense and awkward at home, though, and I wonder why he wants me to stay if we barely speak and never touch.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You broke him. Starving him of emotional intimacy for years. You dragged it out so long, this is where you are. It seems he cannot give that back to you now. He resents his treatment and will not let you near. 
Yet he must have feelings for you and is afraid to let you move on without him. You have been together so long he fears life alone.

Your biggest transgression was not looking for professional help for both of you. It may have helped the marriage or ended it. At least you would have tried. I'm not saying he hasn't had a part in this too. But you married him for the wrong reasons, and you owed more to have it fix. You both need to get help just to heal. Even at 32 years. Heal first then decide.


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## becky78 (Jun 27, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Hi, it sounds like you've already decided. This was never really a true marriage, and I'm sorry -- but you do have children, and you had a life together. I think at this point you owe him the respect of being honest with him and letting him go.


I agree with this. It sounds like it's been over for a while. It's sad but in the end you will probably both be better off in the long run.


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## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

@anchorwatch -- thanks for the insight. Broken may be how he feels, and I certainly get that. He has said that I seem happier when he leaves me alone. doesn't talk much, etc. -- which is true in the sense that I love time to myself, and when he's not home I don't feel the awkwardness and tension that I do when we're in the same house together. And he said he wants me to be happy. 

I've said to him that what we have now *isn't a marriage *-- he says that there are "all kinds of marriages." I think a necessary component of marriage is some kind of emotional connection

He's the type of guy that can be happy with any situation as long as he's clear about what the situation is -- he doesn't like ambiguity. You said he needs to "heal" -- he seems content with the "roommate" marriage. I bet if you asked him, he'd say "What's the problem?" 

One night we discussed me marrying him for the wrong reasons, possibly getting a divorce, etc. -- didn't come to any resolution. The next morning he acted like nothing happened. I always get very emotional and sad when we talk about our situation.

Oh, he did tell me that if I left, not to try coming back.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

IMO. You need to get into counseling, now. Real counseling. God, 20 years on the couch. You need to figure out what happened and why. None of this death and illness stuff, that's just life. Find out why you did this? Why you feel this way? Can you feel love for him? Some times the answer is right in front of you, but you need someone to point it out. 
Then you can make an intelligent decision on whether you'll go or stay. There are ways to find love for him again. So leaving isn't the only answer. But you can't do anything until you can heal yourself. I wish you well in your search.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Just one other thing. Pick up or down load this book. "His Needs, Her Needs". By W Harley, he has others and maybe something in his ideas can help you in your search for your answer.


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## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

Thanks for the book suggestion, Anchorman. 

I want to clarify that I'm not using death and illness as an excuse for what's happened in the marriage. I mentioned it because after these events I withdrew from the relationship much further than I had before. 

Can I feel love for him -- right now I don't think so. We were only 23 when we got married, and I did it for the wrong reasons. The day after the wedding I had this horrible feeling of "oh no what did I do?" But getting married seemed like the right decision at the time. 

I think some are wondering why we stayed together as long as we have. One reason is that the first few years we had a lot of fun together. We did a lot of long-distance motorcycle trips and loved it. We thought we'd do it again when the kids were grown. Somehow between then and now, I've become scared to death of motorcycles -- he goes on trips with his brother now. Another reason is that I wanted to be together for the kids -- we rarely fought in front of them and enjoyed raising them, particularly attending and supporting their activities. Then they left, and there was a huge hole in my life, and that's when I started thinking about leaving. Yes that was 8 years ago. I'm still here because I feel so guilty about leaving and because he asked me to stay so we could take care of each other.

I'm not young anymore, so if I'm going to have a life without him (and he without me) it has to happen now.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Sorry, I meant to say the only reason you should stay is if you could feel love for him. If not, move on. You could still watch out for him as friends or something. You are still parents to the children. You have already missed so much of life for both of you. Be well.


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## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

I care for him as a friend, and as a father to our children, and I can admire his many great qualities. But wife-type love -- no.


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## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

I have a bit of an update. Last Thursday was our 32nd anniversary. All day I was hoping he wouldn't get me anything given how things have been going lately. Well, I arrived home to a beautiful bouquet of flowers. I told him how gorgeous they were and thanked him, then said he shouldn't have done that. I then started crying and said I didn't want to rehash old stuff about the relationship (he hates emotional discussions if there's no resolution). He said that it would all be OK, but he sure didn't look it.

I said something about how I made the last 32 years so hard for him, and he said he doesn't see it that way. I then went to change my clothes (just got home from work) and when I came back from that he completely changed the subject to something trivial. I'm like, "What just happened here?" Still don't understand.

Then the next day we went to a wedding. On the way in to the reception I held his hand, but then he let go saying "You need both hands to balance yourself in those heels." I felt so totally rejected. The slow dancing was like I expected - like he was dancing with his mother. 

So things are pretty much the same.


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