# What to make of this?



## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

Yesterday my wife and I were chatting and the girls were being a little crazy. She said "YOUR girls are getting nutty". I jokingly replied that only a DNA test would prove they were mine. 
We chatted a while longer and then got on with our work around the house (we are trying to sell). A while later she came to me and said the DNA comment was hurtful. I apologized and told her it was only meant jokingly. 
Moving forward a couple hours, we were chatting again about different issues and she said if it weren't for the kids that you wouldn't be here. I thought nothing of it at the time, but now it has me thinking. 
She had been adamant against selling the house up until a month ago. All of a sudden she wants to sell and get a smaller more affordable place. 
Now I'm thinking to myself,"is she just getting her ducks in a row with a house she knows she could afford by herself?" "If we do get a new place will she say she wants to split up?"
I'm certain there is no infidelity involved (can never be 100% sure) and we seem to be happier and more connected then we have been in the past. 
Could this just be a coincidence? Is there some other red flags I should be looking for? 
I have looked at her phone but haven't seen anything unusual, she rarely uses the computer and she does have a password on her phone but let me know what it is. She isn't secretive with her phone in any where you at? At all either. 
Am I just being a little paranoid are do I possibly have a legitimate concern?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Can you explain further how your wife makes the comment, "if it weren't for the kids you wouldn't be here" and you don't think anything of that at all? Does she say that stuff often? To me that comment makes it seem more like she thinks you're about to ditch her. Man I would be chilled to the bone if my spouse thought the onky reason I was staying was for the kids. Or was this meant as a joke like the DNA comment


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

in another thread you said your wife cheated on you 4 years into your relationship...so was the DNA test comment a 'there is much truth in jest' type of comment from you? passive aggressive, 'just joking' comments can cut pretty deep

as for the smaller house, maybe it just took her a while to see the financial truth of your situation? moving is a huge hassle


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Have you two talked of divorce? If you have I wouldn't tie yourself up long term financially until all marital issues are resolved. Move to a rental if needed if you must move.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

You should have called her on that comment...because if the poster is correct and she cheated on you then you should have stand your ground and come back with If any one would have been out of her it would have been you." Don't sweep this


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

If she has cheated in the past, and you two reconciled, your DNA comment was nowhere near benign, nor truly a joke.

I see her comment not as a red flag that she's wayward again, I see it as a red flag that she isn't feeling loved and appreciated. After the DNA comment, it makes sense for her to feel that way. It was a little dagger in her side.

Calling your comment a joke is rug sweeping. Own it and I bet her mood will change.


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> Can you explain further how your wife makes the comment, "if it weren't for the kids you wouldn't be here" and you don't think anything of that at all? Does she say that stuff often? To me that comment makes it seem more like she thinks you're about to ditch her. Man I would be chilled to the bone if my spouse thought the onky reason I was staying was for the kids. Or was this meant as a joke like the DNA comment


Her saying that had to do with business and financial issues in the past. I don't think she said it as a joke, she was dead serious I'm thinking I should sit down with her and discuss our future. 
I know that I can manage on my own quite fine if need be. I just don't want to start into buying another house if our future is uncertain. 
In the past she has mentioned divorce twice, many years ago. I know her sister in-law doesn't really like me that much and always instigates shooting me down to my wife. Good thing they don't chat too often. 
We share responsibilities pretty evenly around the house so I don't really see an issue with me being a lazy bear either.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

That comment says a great deal imo. It says, "I don't believe that you love me". When your response is straight away to think about not purchasing the next house because of an uncertain future, well, I think she might be seeing into the heart of the matter.

Just to add, DH thinks she meant it the other way, as in, "if we didn't have kids, I would kick you to the kerb". I struggle to see that as likely, but I don't know for sure.


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

breeze said:


> That comment says a great deal imo. It says, "I don't believe that you love me". When your response is straight away to think about not purchasing the next house because of an uncertain future, well, I think she might be seeing into the heart of the matter.
> 
> Just to add, DH thinks she meant it the other way, as in, "if we didn't have kids, I would kick you to the kerb". I struggle to see that as likely, but I don't know for sure.


That's what it was. If it weren't for having the kids, she would have kicked me out. That's why I'm wondering why the sudden interest in selling and getting a smaller more AFFORDABLE house.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

So why can't you kick her to the curb....and remind her of that as well. with her past transgression. why does it have to be a one way street.


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

I know it's not a one way street that's for sure. 
Her past transgression was 25 years ago and she did show remorse and did the heavy lifting to make things right. I'm 99% sure there isn't any infidelity (but one can never be too sure). Our kids are still young (11 and 13). I'm thinking she was referring to the times several years ago where I was making very bad financial decisions and things were getting pretty bad between us. 
I'm thinking the best route is to just sit her down and ask straight up what she meant by that comment. 
Even though her cheating was 25 years ago, I still trigger once in a while. When she cheated, she told me within a week and we broke things off. 
We didn't get back together for another 1 1/2years. 
During our time afterwards, I drank heavily and often which eventually led to an ultimatum from her. I quit drinking and things improved. 
I'm thinking all the financial stress I caused over the years created her resentment and our roommate status for years. 
Things are better now than they ever have been until she said what she did.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Based upon what you have said, I do think there is reason to worry...and obviously probing her for more information will only make her more suspicious. I would watch her very carefully for awhile, watch her phone, perhaps a VAR in her car would help. She's up to something she doesn't want you to know about.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I have gotten the "You are only here because of the kids." statement. I guess in part because of my lack of attention. My W thought I did not care anymore. I straighten that out in short order. I'm there because I want to be there and live the rest of my life with my W.

As far as downsizing, well, sooner or later kids move out. I see no sense in keeping a 4 bedroom home for 2 people. My W agrees. Wants a small rancher. Easy to afford. Keeping it clean is easier yet. Perhaps your W is thinking along these lines.


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

I have been looking at her phone usage. I also have all her sign in credentials for iTunes. All the smart phones are on my account so I can see all the call and text records as well. We are all on find my friends so I can see where everyone is at a moments notice. @Yeswecan I think that is what she was referring to. For a while I was disconnected and not paying attention to her or the kids. I read NMMNG and MMSLP and decided if things were going to get better for us, someone had to take the first step. As it stands, our sex life is almost as good now as when we were first dating. I have made it a point to actively listen to her and not just nod and give her the u hum. 
I'm leaning towards all this as just her being stressed about upcoming dental work for D1 ($8000.00) and surgery and gymnastics for D2 ($4000.00-$5000.00). 
Selling and downsizing to a smaller place will give us a net savings of between $1800-$1900 per month. 
As for her going out with friends. She only goes out for dinner on her friend's birthdays and a get together at Christmas. Once or twice a year she gets together with all of her College friends and they all go for lunch and she is usually texting me during those get togethers. 
I think she is worried that I'm getting ready to step out as I have lost 35lbs in the last 8 months and have been lifting 4x per week(she actually asked why one time). I will be bringing this up later as I am constantly thinking about it now. I even turned down a romp in the sack last night because my mind was completely spinning and I couldn't focus on anything.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

thenub said:


> I have been looking at her phone usage. I also have all her sign in credentials for iTunes. All the smart phones are on my account so I can see all the call and text records as well. We are all on find my friends so I can see where everyone is at a moments notice. @Yeswecan I think that is what she was referring to. For a while I was disconnected and not paying attention to her or the kids. I read NMMNG and MMSLP and decided if things were going to get better for us, someone had to take the first step. As it stands, our sex life is almost as good now as when we were first dating. I have made it a point to actively listen to her and not just nod and give her the u hum.
> I'm leaning towards all this as just her being stressed about upcoming dental work for D1 ($8000.00) and surgery and gymnastics for D2 ($4000.00-$5000.00).
> Selling and downsizing to a smaller place will give us a net savings of between $1800-$1900 per month.
> As for her going out with friends. She only goes out for dinner on her friend's birthdays and a get together at Christmas. Once or twice a year she gets together with all of her College friends and they all go for lunch and she is usually texting me during those get togethers.
> I think she is worried that I'm getting ready to step out as I have lost 35lbs in the last 8 months and have been lifting 4x per week(she actually asked why one time). I will be bringing this up later as I am constantly thinking about it now. I even turned down a romp in the sack last night because my mind was completely spinning and I couldn't focus on anything.



Yes sir. Stay attentive to her needs and reassure your W you are not bolting after the youngest reaches 18(no child support). My W said the same thing. I changed my tune. She no longer feels that way. 

$1800/month saving with a smaller home pays those upcoming bills in short order. Truthfully, your W should be commended for thinking this way. Not getting credit cards or a equity loan. IMO, your W should be thanked for thinking of the future concerning finances.


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

The thing is, I have been in her for years to sell and downsize. She was totally against the idea up until a month ago. Now she tells her friends "WE'VE" been kicking the idea around for a long time now. I definitely called her out on that bs. 
I will be asking her what she meant about me not being here if it wasn't for the kids.


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

I had a good talk with my wife yesterday and asked exactly what she meant when she said if it weren't for the kids I wouldn't be here. She told me two years ago she was at her breaking point with me as I would just come home, ignore her and the kids and nap on the couch all the time. She also said she got fed up with asking me to do things or go places with her and the kids. We were just roommates. She also said she was sick of my negative attitude towards everything. 
According to her, those aren't even issues anymore. @wrenn our communication is actually very good now as opposed to the past. When an issue comes up (such as this one) we do talk it out, no blaming or yelling, just honest dialogue. She does have boundaries and I have seen her enforce them on many occasions. I have access to all passwords and email. I know where she is as I can pull up find my phone and track her if I wanted to but find it unnecessary as she always lets me know where she is and how long she will be. 
Will she ever cheat again? I have no idea but I think she is a faithful wife no matter what strangers may say. She'll hand me her phone anytime I ask without question. 
I have come close to being unfaithful myself and had my foot on the line but pulled back as I know the pain it can cause. 
I know now that she isn't just staying for the kids. 
When she cheated all those years ago, we broke off our relationship within a week. Her AP. Only lasted 3 months and as she found out was a complete loser. He even had her call me to see if I would co-sign a bank loan for him. REALLY????
I was NC. For over a year before we started dating again. She was remorseful and did the work to regain my trust. To this day I have never seen any red flags(I am vigilant) to think she has/is been/being unfaithful. 
I know my wife better than her family does as we started dating when she was 16 and is now 45. Her parents divorced when she was 8 and her mother died when she was 16. She wants a family and is working hard to keep it that way, as am I. My parents have been married 60 years now and my wife says she wants our marriage to last that long and I believe her.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

thenub said:


> I had a good talk with my wife yesterday and asked exactly what she meant when she said if it weren't for the kids I wouldn't be here. She told me two years ago she was at her breaking point with me as I would just come home, ignore her and the kids and nap on the couch all the time. She also said she got fed up with asking me to do things or go places with her and the kids. We were just roommates. She also said she was sick of my negative attitude towards everything.
> According to her, those aren't even issues anymore.


Good! 

Sounds like you both just triggered a bit over the past. It happens. Glad you talked about it.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Reading all... seems to me that she is concerned over money matters more than anything.... I took the comment of you not being there if it weren't for kids... as an insecure cry of not feeling 100% sure of your love/relationship.

Just how I see things.


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

Chelle D said:


> Reading all... seems to me that she is concerned over money matters more than anything.... I took the comment of you not being there if it weren't for kids... as an insecure cry of not feeling 100% sure of your love/relationship.
> 
> 
> 
> Just how I see things.



Absolutely correct. I knew about the financial issues but didn't think too much about the disconnection with her and the kids. 
For the last year I have been focusing on spending time with us as a family, time with just the kids and more importantly, quality time with my wife. She did mention during our talk that she has seen a drastic improvement in my outlook. She said she doesn't worry about bringing things up that are bothering her now as she realizes it won't lead to be either shutting down or starting a big fight. 
I'm sure at her point of wanting to walk, I was there as well. I had felt I was on her list of importance somewhere between dusting and cleaning toilets. There was just no communication or connection between us. I actually felt like an unwelcome house guest. 
I read NMMNG and MMSLP, taking what I could from both I started working in myself. The changes were gradual, but effective. I still have things I have to work on and will slowly get them taken care of. 
She was started to work on herself as well and I think we are getting there.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Good. Glad for you. Keep working on yourself. She'd probably appreciate being included a bit more in the 'improvements'.. but it's a self journey.

Just remember in that journey not to shut her out completely, or shut out her concerns of financial security.


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