# Once Trust is Shattered...



## katharina (Jun 29, 2007)

I don't have experience with this, but my feeling or perception at this point
is that once there's infidelity, whether or not the couple stays together,
that trust can never really be built again. Maybe some lip service *saying*
it returned, but is that even possible?


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## MrsLV (Jul 3, 2007)

Trust is a choice. It honestly is. I learned that through therapy, and when I praticed it, it really worked.


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## katharina (Jun 29, 2007)

MrsLV said:


> Trust is a choice. It honestly is. I learned that through therapy, and when I praticed it, it really worked.


A choice... can't say I've ever heard that one before. Doesn't that only work for as long as the other person remains trustworthy? And if one chooses to trust someone who isn't trustworthy, isn't that like putting blinders on to problems that may be present?


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## trick-r-treat (Jul 3, 2007)

You would just have to have your doubts, I don't think it would ever not be in the back of my mind.


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## MrsLV (Jul 3, 2007)

In one of my past relationships, my therapist told me and my boyfriend at the time that trust was a choice. Basically, I didn't trust that he loved me, and he kept telling me over and over again that he did. The therapist explained that by choosing to believe him instead of choosing to believe my doubts, i'd basically have to force myself to do it and thus, not contribute to the thing that was causing our relationship to ruin. 
I'd not heard of it before, either. And also...just last week during pre-marriage counseling, our pastor told us that love was also a choice. He said it to say that when you are out, away from your spouse, you can choose to love your spouse and choose to be faithful, and that choice will give you the strenght to do the right thing. He wanted us to understand that yes, trust and love derive from feeings/emotions, but we can also make them choices and therefore have some control over them instead of them controling us. 
You are the captain of your own being, so why not be the boss of it?


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## tater03 (Jun 29, 2007)

I can say that if you don't have trust you don't have a relationship. I just have seen so many relationships where there isn't trust for one reason or another and they have nothing but problem.


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## Mrs.Mo (Jul 6, 2007)

*Trust Shattered*

Well, I can say that time and prayer will definitely help. It has brought me closer to God. I do from time to time get rethink what has happened but I force thoe negative thoughts. It does me no good to hold on to the past. But I do understand your pain. It has been almost 3 months since I found out about my husband's affair.


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## mamab (Jun 29, 2007)

I can't imagine the feelings that must have been caused from a husband's infidelity. I think with God all offenses can be forgiven, though. I know it would be very difficult to trust again.


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## tater03 (Jun 29, 2007)

Yes, I do agree that you can reestablish trust but I would imagine it would be a long an hard process. It is getting to that point where I see alot of people cannot establish the trust again and that is when a decision really needs to be made on whether to continue the relationship.


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## lilyflower_1978 (Jun 29, 2007)

My husband told me last week he had been seeing someone else for a couple weeks. Said it wasn't sexual. It really hurt but the fact he told me without me finding out another way helped me still feel I could trust him. Maybe that doesn't make a lot of sense but I saw it as a turning point. I'm still not sure where we will end up but holding on to hope.


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## katharina (Jun 29, 2007)

lilyflower_1978 said:


> My husband told me last week he had been seeing someone else for a couple weeks. Said it wasn't sexual.


I'm not understanding how "seeing" would be defined if not actually cheating. Did he define "seeing" for you?


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## accord006 (Jul 14, 2007)

I'm going thru that right now. I found out after 26 years of marriage my husband has done the unthinkable. His daughter called and told me what her mother and my husband did. This was five years into my marriage when this happen he was in the navy and in school when this happen. I'm hurt, heart broken. And my trust is gone. He is now trying to keep me in his life. But this young lady does'nt like me at all. All she wants is her father. Her mother put her up for adoption and my husband signed the papers. Thinking it would keep me from finding out. Funny that did not happen at all. Right now I want to leave because I don't trust him or believe him. I am in therapy. It is helping a little but. I need support


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## accord006 (Jul 14, 2007)

accord006 said:


> I'm going thru that right now. I found out after 26 years of marriage my husband has done the unthinkable. His daughter called and told me what her mother and my husband did. This was five years into my marriage when this happen he was in the navy and in school when this happen. I'm hurt, heart broken. And my trust is gone. He is now trying to keep me in his life. But this young lady does'nt like me at all. All she wants is her father. Her mother put her up for adoption and my husband signed the papers. Thinking it would keep me from finding out. Funny that did not happen at all. Right now I want to leave because I don't trust him or believe him. I am in therapy. It is helping a little but. I need support] What happens in the dark comes out into the light.


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## accord006 (Jul 14, 2007)

I'm close to where you are at. But I am still in alot of pain. I don't know if I can do this. I really want to leave my husband. But I don't know. Help!


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## lilyflower_1978 (Jun 29, 2007)

katharina said:


> I'm not understanding how "seeing" would be defined if not actually cheating. Did he define "seeing" for you?


Well his words were affair. When I asked if the relationship was sexual he said no. So I asked why then label it an affair. He said because I was out with her having fun and had thoughts that went further which I did not feel guilty for having them. So what I gather is he'd pick her up before his weekend long parties and trips and spend the whole time basically dating her. I guess what bothers me the most is he was looking to develope a real relationship with this person. Like I was already out of the picture.


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## bibi (Jul 18, 2007)

*help my abt retrusting my husband*

HI,
Im a muslin female and got married 1 1/2 yrs ago to a guy i loved,it was a love marriage and everything was fine since last december when i found out that he has been searching online for erotic services, i found it on time an asked him not to, he said he wont go to call girls for sex as our religion consider it as a sin. but despite that he went to have sex with 2 call girls and now after six months he admitted it in front of me and saying that he is sorry and wont do it again. I forgave him but now i cant stop these flashbacks that he cheated on me and had sex with someone else just for fun. I have been so nice to him and i didnt deserve this, this thought keeps me disturbed all the time and gives me headaches and it is ruining my relationship. I spoke with husband and he said he told me already that he would not do it again so why am i thinking abt it and if i keep on doing like this he warned me that the consequences would not be good and in our favour. I have a 6 month old son too, Now plz help me what should i do, should i just forget eveything that has happened and take a new start which is very had for me..would i be able to trust him again. i always keep thinking that he might me seeing some other girl if he is out.what is the gurantee that he wont cheat on me again? plz plz give me advice,i know it would be hard for me to leave him coz of my son and coz of family and cultural restrains too. so plz kindly answer my question on my email on detail as i really need help otherwise i would ruin my relation ship.
thanks a bunch in advance.


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## lilyflower_1978 (Jun 29, 2007)

How does your culture feel about getting therapy? Trust takes awhile to rebuild, especially for women. Our brains work overtime and love to dissect the worst case senerios over and over. So, if you want to work through this I suggest seeking counseling for yourself and it would also be great if your husband would go to a few with you. He might not want to and you can do it without him going but maybe if he were to go he can understand better how it hurt you and why trusting is hard for you. Good luck.


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## LetGo (Jul 18, 2007)

*trust is hard to get back*

Trust is very hard to get back. Ten years ago my wife was depressed and feeling guilty about an indiscretion that took place 18 months earlier. One night she was feeling very comfortable with us and confessed this to me. My initial reaction was that she was being honest with me. After a night of sleeping on this and more discussions and details coming out I was very upset. My reaction to it was that she had had an affair. Her opinion was that it was just a slip up and she stopped it because it made her realize she loved me.

This all took place out of town when she went to visit her oldest friend. He was a coworker of her gf, who she had meet on a solo trip a couple of years earlier. She also saw this guy one time when we took a family trip to visit this friend. One night I took the kids and she went out with her GF and this guy just happened to be there. She communicated with him during those 2 years. I'm not sure how much communication occurred after that last trip. Worst was that I used to encourage her to visit this gf and this last trip was taken while our 8 yr old son had chick pox. 

It took me about 2 yrs of therapy to forgive her. There were many ups and downs during this time. The worst things were that during this time her gf moved back to town and was working in the same building as I was. My wife has a tendency to try to justify all of her actions, and in working through my anger and outrage I put some blame on her gf. In the end the gf moved back out of town and we worked through this. 

A few years ago all the work was destroyed in a string of her actions. Me seeing her walk out of a bathroom at a party followed a minute later by a guy. Her forcing her gf back into our lives and then just a couple of years ago me discovering she's spending 600+ minutes a month talking to a guy on her cell phone. This was taking place all hours of the day. 

I've now lost all trust in her. I never thought of myself as the jealous type, but find myself feeling that way. Even when we 1st meet 26 yrs ago she had guy friends. No it makes me question was I naive all these years. Was I the fool to have trusted her. She knew how I felt about infidelity. Shortly after our marriage I went out with the guys to a football game and we all went out after. Ends up one of the guys (married,) has his gf show up. I was so upset that I wouldn't go out the guys or the couples any more. I eventually had to explain this to my wife. She agreed with me and we working on establishing a new group of friend to do things with. 

Do I still love her, yes, but I don't feel like I'm in love. NO. 

Bottom line is trust takes work from both sides and once it's broken I really don't know if it will ever fully come back.


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## marissa (Jul 28, 2007)

Regaining trust is such a long and difficult journey. It can be done though, but honestly, speaking from experience, it's not worth it. The thing is, the trust is never fully restored. 
There are some great books out there that can really help you figure it out.
I recommend either one of these:

His Needs, Her Needs and/or Fall In Love, Stay In Love


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## Lovinblind (Jul 5, 2007)

I wish I were as strong as some of you. I don't think once my trust was broken, that I could ever trust that person again. I hold people to the same ethics and beliefs that I live by, so once thats gone, its gone. My wife tells me that I am to hard on people, that people don't have the same beliefs that I do, and truly, I feel that is sad.


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## katharina (Jun 29, 2007)

Lovinblind said:


> I wish I were as strong as some of you. I don't think once my trust was broken, that I could ever trust that person again. I hold people to the same ethics and beliefs that I live by, so once thats gone, its gone. My wife tells me that I am to hard on people, that people don't have the same beliefs that I do, and truly, I feel that is sad.


You're not alone here because I'm the same way. I agree that once it's
gone, it's gone. I'd never know when another lie was happening. I've
wondered if I've been too hard on people in the past, too, but a little
respect and truth isn't too much to ask, I think. I'd hate to live life
questioning whether something someone tells me is the truth or not.


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## yen (Sep 6, 2007)

Lovinblind said:


> I wish I were as strong as some of you. I don't think once my trust was broken, that I could ever trust that person again. I hold people to the same ethics and beliefs that I live by, so once thats gone, its gone. My wife tells me that I am to hard on people, that people don't have the same beliefs that I do, and truly, I feel that is sad.


Trust is hard to gain in the being of a of relationship and sharing all your feels with someone. You trust that they will treat you the way you treat them and love them. And find out they didn't give you a second thougt when they was with someone else hurts. Until they get catch and try to tell you what you want to hear and you will always be wander in the back of your mind if they are telling the truth are not how would you know you didn't the first time. Thats my 2 cents.


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## justme880 (Sep 18, 2007)

I agree that it's possible to rebuild trust. If you both are willing to work on the relationship, you have to make the conscious decision to give that person the opportunity to redeem himself/herself. Also, constant communication is necessary so you're in the loop in terms of his/her thoughts, feelings, whereabouts, plans, and so forth. Reestablishing trust takes time and effort on both parties. Good luck!


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## chocolat07 (Sep 21, 2007)

Yes, trust can definitely be rebuilt. However, it will take time and commitment from both parties to make it work. Constant communication and reassurance from the cheating partner is required.


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## lovelyl (Sep 11, 2007)

Yes, trust is very hard. It will take much time to recover. It also takes praying being open to one another, and expressing your feelings. Most of all, you have to know yourself. If you're not willing to let it go and move on, be honest with yourself, or else it won't work.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Let me take this from several angles.

First a poll taken showed that 30% of all marriages involved one or both people cheating. and that in that most people knew found out about the cheating. So a marriage can survive it.

Second, I have been on many forums and this issue has come up before. Many more people then you think can build back the trust, love and commitment.

Third my perspective. I ended my first marriage because of her cheating. I told my wife I have now that it is something I could never forgive or forget. She has told me the same thing. 

So while it is possible it by far is not that everyone can forgive and forget.

draconis


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## kajira (Oct 4, 2007)

Trust is huge!!!! After finding out about my husbands affair, I have lost more than trust, I have lost respect. As time goes by (it has been almost a month) and even with counseling, I find I want out. I would already be gone if it wasn't for my children. I have come to the conclusion, I have to first be happy with myself before I can think about a relationship....and being with him right now is misserable.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

kajira said:


> Trust is huge!!!! After finding out about my husbands affair, I have lost more than trust, I have lost respect. As time goes by (it has been almost a month) and even with counseling, I find I want out. I would already be gone if it wasn't for my children. I have come to the conclusion, I have to first be happy with myself before I can think about a relationship....and being with him right now is misserable.


I was in a simular situation so I understand. You have to do what is best for you. If you stay in a unhappy marriage then that will effect your child.

draconis


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## Doubt&Wonder (Oct 29, 2007)

*IMO - *
Broken TRUST can be Re-built...... but it will NEVER be as Strong as it once was.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Doubt&Wonder said:


> *IMO - *
> Broken TRUST can be Re-built...... but it will NEVER be as Strong as it once was.


Personally I know couples that would disagree. Having "strayed" both of them. They never use the term cheated etc. They have survived many things. I guess it all depends on the people. To me trust could never be rebuilt. I think that is true for most people. Trust is hard to regain. Near impossible to mend completely.

draconis


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## Carey1979 (Nov 26, 2007)

lilyflower_1978 said:


> My husband told me last week he had been seeing someone else for a couple weeks. Said it wasn't sexual. It really hurt but the fact he told me without me finding out another way helped me still feel I could trust him. Maybe that doesn't make a lot of sense but I saw it as a turning point. I'm still not sure where we will end up but holding on to hope.



Dear Lilyflower:
The fact that your husband came forward and told you means that he loves you and could not go thru with any infedelity. I would say you can trust him and be glad he told you. Although I know it hurts knowing he was talking to someone else. I just found out the wrong way that my boyfriend was talking to someone else. By accident i found on the computer and that they did go out one time but nothing happened. He lied about it to my face many times said he was with his friend Franky and swore to me he never lies. Well let me tell you he lied to me big time. Anyway if he had come forward and told me what he did but that he was wrong and still wants to be with me and promised to never lie or go behind my back that would be much better, trust me.
-Carey


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I think Carey1979 has a good point. He didn't go through with it and was truthful about what he did do. Emotional cheating can hurt but atleast it isn't physical cheating.

draconis


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