# relationship with my mom-in-law



## choco (Dec 15, 2011)

I have bad relationship with my mom-in-law.

When I was pregnant, my mom-in-law cooked chick soup for me which helped me and my baby. I appreciated her and thanked god giving me a good mom-in-law. I thought I was a lucky girl. 

I am her only one daughter-in-law and my baby is her only one grand-kid so far. Therefore I shared a lot of things with her and reminded her not to be too superstitious when worshiping god, and don’t eat too much artificial food for her health sake, etc…I treat her the way as I treat my identical mom (you know, sometimes you talk to your mom frankly).

I am a person who wishes she is my real mom as I am married to his son. Therefore, I had a lot of talks with her before the time we were together. However, I was wrong. I shouldn’t talk to her that way as I talk to my identical mom. I was too straight to speak out…too innocent to speak out without thinking about her feeling. Everyone warmed me so and people think 95% of relationship with mom-in-law can't work out smoothly. Now I realize that I should be careful to get along with her. 

I think she may complain to my husband her feeling and how impolite I was because my husband blamed me for many times and said she is sick of me…stop talking to her something/ and the way as I talk to my mom.

I was frustrated. It’s hard to stay with somebody who dislikes you in a certain room. I have asked my husband what words I talked to her you guys think was improper? He never corrects me any, but answered: think it by yourself. To threat her as an elder…

My husband hopes his mom take care our baby while we both are at work. I think the main reason is part of building a good relationship with her, besides the reason that it’s safer then other nanny’s care. 

Any better idea to solve my situation? What I can do now is to go home late in order to escape any possible conflict as I really have no idea what I did was wrong. So, I look for some exercise class after work daily or stay in bookstore, etc. But, I really miss my baby and eager to see him soon…What a dilemma!


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

I think you are going in the right direction. Simply step back a little bit and don't get overly frank with her with some conversations - she may not be completely comfortable with that.

I would not avoid her, and dont assume she dislikes you now. If you avoid her, she will think you dont like her either.. and you will both be caught in a 'she doesnt like me' situation - which may not even be true.

Be kind and welcoming and enjoy the things you do have in common... like chicken soup and love for your baby. Here is a thought - maybe buy her a small gift as peace offering? Nothing obvious... '..Oh I was in the store and saw this and thought you migh like it..'... or buy your baby a little shirt that says "I Love Grandma"... grandmas love that. 

I wouldnt stress out too much. Go home and get a full report from grandma on all the daily exitement with the little one - and thank her for for doing day care again. I'm sure she will be as interested in giving a report as you are in hearing it.


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## choco (Dec 15, 2011)

Thanks a lot,"anotherguy". I'll take your idea to buy her small gift...which keeps in my mind for a while...but I haven't got a chance to do it because what gift I should buy to her is also important...sometimes people who may dislike you but gets your gift may think into wrong direction....well, it would be a good try anyway, especially "Monther's day" is coming.

Different generation has different ideas on baby's caring, ex. Doctor says we don't need to wash shower gel for baby under 6-month in winter...not to give little baby general milk and seafood....well, my baby is in his 10th month and is diagnosed as Dystopia dermatitis which is sensitive to many things/environment....but she doesn't think so and she seems not change her though about caring baby...she keeps her way as she did in taking her kids 30 years ago.....and said "This new generation nowadays is so weird..." and she questioned me "What do you think about my kids? Aren't they such strong guys?"

I think not to stay with her without my husband is a better way as I know how frank I am and I would remind/tell her (she may think "educate her") some details about baby's wash, clothe, etc. When I see something go wrong, I speak out for my baby. But, she think it's DEFINATELY ok>< ...It's really hard for me to swallow some words if I think that may hurt my baby...you know...as the baby's mom.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Always follow your doctors advice, and always speak up and do what is best for your baby.

Be kind but firm. There is no room for compromise on it, period. If she does not agree, too bad. If she is unwilling to follow your instructions, then tell her she cannot care for the child, that's just the way it is. You are after all, the mother of your baby, she is NOT.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## choco (Dec 15, 2011)

good! That was what I did for both my idential mom and my mom-in-law. What makes me stressed out are 1) my husband wants his mom takeing care of our baby, instead of a nanny. 2)my husband wants me not to nag too much to her if things don't go as I expected and that would hurt our married relationship...He also said I'm too anxiety about kid's thing and eating a little amount of seafood is not a bit deal...3)My husband said she is his mom and elder to me. I should respect her, not speak up too much about those small things...4)My mom and my sisters said the important thing is to have a happy family, not worry too much and they said I should be thankful for my mom-in-law leaving her husband for our house. (She comes back to her house every weekend.) There is no any supporter around, even your family said so. It's like fight to win or die.

Well, that's why I think I need to avoid her, not to stay with her along as possible as I can. But, I really worry my kid...

I googled and studied a lot of book for taking good care of my baby...some doctor said it's possible to leave dystopia dermatitis if we avoid some allegic thing/food/environment from him before at least 3-y-o.....Oh..God lets me know so much info. to help my baby, but I feel helpless for the sake of a happy family...

My husband disagrees to hire a nanny. He trusts relatives. So far, no way to improve my situation... We actually had fought over this matter before she came after my baby's deliveied and He was thinking about taking his baby to his mom's house and planed to see our baby in the weekend...and I cried for many times in front of him..."don't take my baby away from his mom" But, after fighting, we came to a compomise: to let his mom in and she's free when we're at home.... (By the way, until now she still hopes to bring my baby to her house as she's unwilling to stay at our house...but I know she loves her kid...)

I'm way too tired on fighting over this matter with my husband and I know this could affects my baby if we still go that way.


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## smith9800 (Mar 7, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> I think you are going in the right direction. Simply step back a little bit and don't get overly frank with her with some conversations - she may not be completely comfortable with that.
> 
> I would not avoid her, and dont assume she dislikes you now. If you avoid her, she will think you dont like her either.. and you will both be caught in a 'she doesnt like me' situation - which may not even be true.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
She should surely step back. If her mother in law doesn't respect her frank behavior then she must also avoid this thing. 
Stay limited with your mother in law, this can improve your relationship with her.


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## choco (Dec 15, 2011)

I went home yesterday and felt baby's back was sweating, but she though it's still a cold weather and baby should wear more... What I did was taking off a vest and kept saying "I'm sweating...hot...hot." to my baby.

Which is important, good relationship with mom-in-law vs. healthy baby? That really bothers me.

I know those are small things. I'm sure she won't hurt baby badly, but I am afraid that may hurt slightly compared to life itself. I think she is a good mother, but not a qualified person to take care baby. I really care about baby's sensitive skin but she never care about it and said every baby gets its skin sensitive. We also got different life style...(ex. She loves meat and doesn't like vege. That's another worry thing as she will feed my baby with meat without vege. which is not good in balance his healthy...) I know the biggest problem is my husband hopes we could be together happily...It seems no way out...


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Most mother-in-laws become too nosy and interfering when a new baby is born. They expect their daughter in laws to raise their children exactly the way the older women did 20+ years ago. While a MIL's experience should be respected, daughter-in-laws have to follow their own motherhood compass. 

I don't have children, but my sister in law has a beautiful little girl. That is my niece in my avatar and our mother in law is very critical when it comes to my SIL's parenting choices. I feel so sad for my poor sister-in-law because she is doing a great job! 

Your husband seems like a bit of a mama's boy. Of course you should respect your elders but have the right to politely speak your mind. He should be on your side because you are his WIFE.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

choco said:


> I am her only one daughter-in-law and my baby is her only one grand-kid so far. Therefore I shared a lot of things with her and reminded her not to be too superstitious when worshiping god, and don’t eat too much artificial food for her health sake, etc…I treat her the way as I treat my identical mom (you know, sometimes you talk to your mom frankly).


I can see something I the above that a traditional elder might object to.. .it’s not your place to tell her to not be too superstitious. While I am sure that you did not mean to criticize her, it could be taken as you criticizing her. You would not tell someone to not be too superstitious unless you think they are superstitious.
Same with the artificial food. You criticized her. 
Your husband is completely wrong in not telling you what she objects to. You need to ask him for more clarity as you are not a mind reader.
Your MIL is putting you in your place. She does not want to be your friend. She wants to be the matriarch of the household. 
As long as she is living in your home (or you hers) just be pleasant and respectful to her. Avoid conflict at all cost. Pretend she’s the queen … that’s how she wants you to treat her… not as a friend.


choco said:


> Any better idea to solve my situation? What I can do now is to go home late in order to escape any possible conflict as I really have no idea what I did was wrong. So, I look for some exercise class after work daily or stay in bookstore, etc. But, I really miss my baby and eager to see him soon…What a dilemma!


And stop this. The more you do not come home from work the more reasons your MIL will have to speak badly about you. Your child will hear this and will also think badly of you. Spend as much time with your child as you can.

Do you live in a place where it is normal for the MIL to live with you? This ‘free’ babysitting could very likely break up your marriage. Is there any way either you and your husband could move to a different place near her? Or could she move? She does not need to live with you to take care of your child.

Here is another thought. How old is your MIL? How is her health? Does she really take care of your child well? Or does she do things that bother you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Choco,

What country do you live in?

Your husband was going to give your child to his mother to raise and you would only get to see your child on the weekends? That is crazy... beyond crazy.

If you live in the USA he has no right to do that. If it looks like he is really going to do this.. go see an attorney and find out your rights as your child's mother. 

If I were you I would tell your child's doctor that your MIL refuses to follow the doctor orders for your son's health condition. Your doctor might become a help to you in all of this.


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## choco (Dec 15, 2011)

Hi EleGirl,

You are right in general rule. The only way to solve this as quickly as I can is to terminate our marriage...then, I can claim my right...I may be able to arrange a qualified nanny for a good day care, and avoid MIL. I've ever thought about it and I can absolutely give my baby a better live and education. However, this is the worst way to do as my baby would need to live with his dad and mom separately. I could imagine how terrible it could be in his mind in the future. Stop flighting and have a good marriage and a happy family is what I'm dreaming for. I want my family happy (3 of us) at least we still love each other. And this is what really bothers me because if you keep your marriage and you have to accept MIL in many way. 

I know this is not what I want but, I can't change this situation (He is my MIL's dearest son) If I wanna keep this marriage I have to stick on it...Flight or die...

This is always on my mind: break up because of his family? but you have a 10-month-kid.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How about stay married and rent another place to live?

You said that your MIL left her husband to live with you? Is their home close enough that you can drive there in the morning to drop off your baby for her to care for ? Or could our FIL move near enough and your MIL move back with her husband? She can still watch your child. 

Maybe have her watch your child sometimes and have a nanny for other times.

How old in your MIL?


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## choco (Dec 15, 2011)

Hi EleGirl,

Good solution. Thanks! But those are not workable due to the long driving distance between hers and ours. My H wants to hire a nanny on the condition that baby can express his feeling for the safety sake...He trusts relatives more...even his mom always complains a backache...She's in her mid-50th.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok so your MIL is young enough to be able to handle a baby is she is healthy.

I understand the trusting relatives more bit. My ex-husband trusted his mother with our son. I did not want it but he did so I let it happen. Then I caught her one time kicking my 3 year old son. She did some other mean things to him. So I finally told my husband that I would take him to court if he insisted that she take care of our son. My husband dropped it.

Using a nanny is scary unless you can get one with a good reference. I would also not want my child taken care of by a nanny is does not have a good education. These are the formative years and a child needs a person who can teach them from an early age.

There are nanny cams. There are also nannies with very good references. 

There are some high end child care facilities that are very good and very safe as well.


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## choco (Dec 15, 2011)

To FirstYearDown,

Things became unavoidable after my baby was born. Before this, I didn't go often to his family as I know I have nothing in common with his family. My H said OK I don't need to go with him each time. So, I went to his family once 1-2 months.

Now I have a baby, their first grandkid(maybe the only one in their life as my H's sister & brother are single). Everyone eagers to hug my baby, so they keeps asking "why not coming home this weekend..." Then, I have to go at least twice a month/sometimes each weekend.

If I could foresee those in the past, I wouldnt marry to him. I feel like a torture in my heart. And the big point is I can't let it go and wanna give baby a happy family.


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## choco (Dec 15, 2011)

Hi EleGirl,

Good to hear so. It's like "When the rain is over" Your heart could be settled. Hope god bless mind.

With best wishes


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