# How long to give Bad Sex



## Lila

I read a post today on an over 40 dating forum where the OP wanted advice on how to let someone know they weren't interested in dating after a bad first sexual encounter. Most of the advice involved giving the potential partner a few more opportunities to make sure it wasn't nerves and to learn the OP's likes/dislikes. Some even recommended "Teaching" the potential partner how to be a better lover. 

I know the divorced/single demographic at TAM is mostly over 35. I'd like to hear your opinions. 


Would you give a potential partner another chance to test sexual compatibility if the first sexual encounter was not great? If so, how long would you give it? 
Would you be open to teaching them to be a better lover?


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## ccpowerslave

Probably get different answers from men and women.

1. Yes if I got off and didn’t get injured or insist on going raw early on and in all other ways I liked the lady.

2. Yes, provided #1.


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## Torninhalf

Lila said:


> I read a post today on an over 40 dating forum where the OP wanted advice on how to let someone know they weren't interested in dating after a bad first sexual encounter. Most of the advice involved giving the potential partner a few more opportunities to make sure it wasn't nerves and to learn the OP's likes/dislikes. Some even recommended "Teaching" the potential partner how to be a better lover.
> 
> I know the divorced/single demographic at TAM is mostly over 35. I'd like to hear your opinions.
> 
> 
> Would you give a potential partner another chance to test sexual compatibility if the first sexual encounter was not great? If so, how long would you give it?
> Would you be open to teaching them to be a better lover?


Nope. One and done. I got a vibrator that does it’s job and doesn’t expect a dance or a meal. 😂😂


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## Lila

ccpowerslave said:


> Probably get different answers from men and women.
> 
> 1. Yes if I got off and didn’t get injured or insist on going raw early on and in all other ways I liked the lady.
> 
> 2. Yes, provided #1.


Yep, I expect we shall see very different responses from men and women. See below.



Torninhalf said:


> Nope. One and done. I got a vibrator that does it’s job and doesn’t expect a dance or a meal. 😂😂


LOL. What if you really liked this person A LOT? Would you be open to teaching them to be a better lover?


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## Lila

ccpowerslave said:


> Probably get different answers from men and women.
> 
> 1. Yes *if I got off* and didn’t get injured or insist on going raw early on and in all other ways I liked the lady.
> 
> 2. Yes, provided #1.


So I think the bolded makes all of the difference. Would you be willing to give it another change if you didn't orgasm and the sex was just bad?


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## CharlieParker

I’m glad my wife gave me some time, and probably more than was appropriate. It wasn’t bad sex, I wasn’t getting it up (nerves and too much to drink). I don’t recall exactly when she thought me to do that thing with my fingers (I still use that skill 30 years later).


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## Lila

CharlieParker said:


> I’m glad my wife gave me some time, and probably more than was appropriate. It wasn’t bad sex, I wasn’t getting it up (nerves and too much to drink). I don’t recall exactly when she thought me to do that thing with my fingers (I still use that skill 30 years later).


Not to get too personal, but how long (approximately) did she give you - days, weeks, months, or years?


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## TXTrini

Lila said:


> I read a post today on an over 40 dating forum where the OP wanted advice on how to let someone know they weren't interested in dating after a bad first sexual encounter. Most of the advice involved giving the potential partner a few more opportunities to make sure it wasn't nerves and to learn the OP's likes/dislikes. Some even recommended "Teaching" the potential partner how to be a better lover.
> 
> I know the divorced/single demographic at TAM is mostly over 35. I'd like to hear your opinions.
> 
> 
> Would you give a potential partner another chance to test sexual compatibility if the first sexual encounter was not great? If so, how long would you give it?
> Would you be open to teaching them to be a better lover?


First off, what's bad sex, Precious?

1. If I liked the dude, I would mind giving it few more go's rather than hopping to the next ride. 
2. Sure, see above.


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## Lila

Lila said:


> Would you give a potential partner another chance to test sexual compatibility if the first sexual encounter was not great? If so, how long would you give it?
> Would you be open to teaching them to be a better lover?


I'm going to answer my own post. 

1. Depends on whether I can chock things up to nerves or a selfish lover/poor listener. The former gets a mulligan. The latter gets the boot.

2. No. I feel at this age, we are who we are. We're either compatible or not.


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## coquille

Lila said:


> I read a post today on an over 40 dating forum where the OP wanted advice on how to let someone know they weren't interested in dating after a bad first sexual encounter. Most of the advice involved giving the potential partner a few more opportunities to make sure it wasn't nerves and to learn the OP's likes/dislikes. Some even recommended "Teaching" the potential partner how to be a better lover.
> 
> I know the divorced/single demographic at TAM is mostly over 35. I'd like to hear your opinions.
> 
> 
> Would you give a potential partner another chance to test sexual compatibility if the first sexual encounter was not great? If so, how long would you give it?
> Would you be open to teaching them to be a better lover?


In my last 18-month relationship, during our first sexual encounter was bad. Just bad. He orgasmed. I didn't. I didn't even enjoy it. I gave him another chance because I liked him and I know that I am not comfortable sexually until I am comfortable emotionally with the person. Plus we don't know each other's bodies. We ended up having the best sex as we are sexually compatible (he also told me that with me he had the best sex of his life). 
2. Teach? I don't think so when we are both in our 50s. Just directing him and telling him what pleasures me.


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## Married but Happy

I'd give someone another chance unless it was very clear we weren't sexually compatible. And yes, I'd be willing to teach them some things if they are willing and show some promise. Often, first encounters aren't idyllic, although they are rarely true disasters. In her experience, men (even supposedly experienced men) are often clueless and don't pay attention; in mine, some women are clueless as well (or just too passive), but it's much less common.


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## Lila

TXTrini said:


> First off, what's bad sex, Precious?
> 
> 1. If I liked the dude, I would mind giving it few more go's rather than hopping to the next ride.
> 2. Sure, see above.


I think "bad sex" is defined differently for each us. 

Some people may think having different sexual styles is bad sex. I personally don't see that as bad sex but sexual incompatibility. 

To me, it becomes bad is when the other person is either selfish or won't listen to me when I tell them what I like/don't like.


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## ccpowerslave

Lila said:


> So I think the bolded makes all of the difference. Would you be willing to give it another change if you didn't orgasm and the sex was just bad?


It’s hard for me to envision what terrible things would need to happen for me not to get off unless I was high on drugs or alcohol. Maybe doing something causing serious injury like broken bones, sprains, burns, blindness, etc...

Man now I wish I didn’t start thinking of how bad it would have to be for me to not get off with someone physically attractive enough to me where I’d want to have sex with them in the first place. 

Like maybe if they just layed there motionless and crying or something I would just stop, go to the bathroom and text my lawyer about what to do before leaving.

So provided they don’t have mental problems, dangerous kinks either to one of us or bystanders, and nobody is that messed up on drugs or alcohol I don’t really see how I wouldn’t give them a second chance because I’m thinking there’d be something to build on if I really liked them.


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## Lila

coquille said:


> In my last 18-month relationship, during our first sexual encounter was bad. Just bad. He orgasmed. I didn't. I didn't even enjoy it. I gave him another chance because I liked him and I know that I am not comfortable sexually until I am comfortable emotionally with the person. Plus we don't know each other's bodies. We ended up having the best sex as we are sexually compatible (he also told me that with me he had the best sex of his life).
> 2. Teach? I don't think so when we are both in our 50s. Just directing him and telling him what pleasures me.


Did you have any inkling that he had the potential to be a compatible sexual partner even after the first go?


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## Torninhalf

Lila said:


> Yep, I expect we shall see very different responses from men and women. See below.
> 
> 
> 
> LOL. What if you really liked this person A LOT? Would you be open to teaching them to be a better lover?


Nope. Not after 40. 😂


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## Lila

Married but Happy said:


> I'd give someone another chance unless it was very clear we weren't sexually compatible. And yes, I'd be willing to teach them some things if they are willing and show some promise. Often, first encounters aren't idyllic, although they are rarely true disasters. In her experience, men (even supposedly experienced men) are often clueless and don't pay attention; in mine, some women are clueless as well (or just too passive), but it's much less common.


How many opportunities would you give someone after a less than idyllic first time? What about your wife?


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## CharlieParker

Lila said:


> Not to get too personal, but how long (approximately) did she give you - days, weeks, months, or years?


3 to 5, maybe 6 encounters over 2 to maybe 3 weeks.


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## coquille

Lila said:


> Did you have any inkling that he had the potential to be a compatible sexual partner even after the first go?


No, not at all. I actually contemplated not seeing him anymore because of the bad sex.


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## Lila

CharlieParker said:


> 3 to 5, maybe 6 encounters over 2 to maybe 3 weeks.


@CharlieParker, you are one lucky dog....on so many levels.


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## Lila

coquille said:


> No, not at all. I actually contemplated not seeing him anymore because of the bad sex.


So here's a personal question, what was bad about it? Was he zipping while you are zagging?


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## coquille

Lila said:


> So here's a personal question, what was bad about it? Was he zipping while you are zagging?


It was more than two years ago, so I don't remember all the details 😂 I remember how I felt, which was disappointment, because I didn't enjoy any of it. I remember he was sweating a lot (that was a turnoff) and we didn't engage in much foreplay. 

Also, to think of it, we had planned on spending that night together, and we had a hotel reservation. So it was not a spontaneous night after a lot of sexual tension. The date before that one was full of sexual tension; he wanted us to get a hotel room, but I had not planned to spend the night with him yet, so I wanted to wait for another date. For the following date, we went for dinner and drink and to the hotel room after that, but the sexual tension that we had in the date before was not there.


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## Enigma32

That depends. If this potential partner had all the other traits that I look for and was an overall great catch, I would forgive bad sex indefinitely. I find other things to be of higher priority when searching for a long term life partner.


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## TXTrini

Lila said:


> I think "bad sex" is defined differently for each us.
> 
> Some people may think having different sexual styles is bad sex. I personally don't see that as bad sex but sexual incompatibility.
> 
> To me, it becomes bad is when the other person is either selfish or won't listen to me when I tell them what I like/don't like.


I've had "bad" sex for various reasons but didn't punt the dude immediately. 

I did dump a guy after sex bc he was a player and I don't share my toys. The sex was OK physically, but did nothing for me emotionally. He was really weird during the session but I didn't leave immediately, bc I figured I was already there, we already did it, so might as well milk the moment .

Hmm, I guess you could call it "doggie bag sex" , store it up for later...


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## BigDaddyNY

My wife was my first and I know I was no stud when we first had sex. I'm glad I wasn't one and done!


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## SpinyNorman

Ignoring all of the posts and responding to the thread title, I just give bad sex until they dump me.


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## Personal

No and no.


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## DudeInProgress

I don’t know that I’ve ever really had BAD sex. Certainly boring sex, uninspiring sex, slightly awkward sex, almost-not-worth it sex. But nothing I would consider really bad, or completely UNpleasant.


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## frusdil

Yep, I would give him another chance.


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## Cletus

Lila said:


> LOL. What if you really liked this person A LOT? Would you be open to teaching them to be a better lover?


Only if they were an enthusiastic student.


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## Mr.Married

The answers may well be different between women and men but also if the person is coming out of a sex starved relationship. A person dying of starvation may not care if it’s steak or potted meat.


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## TXTrini

Mr.Married said:


> The answers may well be different between women and men but also if the person is coming out of a sex starved relationship. A person dying of starvation may not care if it’s steak or potted meat.


OMG!!🤣 🤣 🤣
Accurate though


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## CharlieParker

Mr.Married said:


> potted meat.





Mr.Married said:


> The answers may well be different between women and men but also if the person is coming out of a sex starved relationship. A person dying of starvation may not care if it’s steak or potted meat.


Potted meat, * swoons *


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## TXTrini

CharlieParker said:


> Potted meat, * swoons *


At least he didn't say vienna sausages...


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## Personal

I had sex with one very pretty older divorced woman, at her place following her initiation, after she took me out on a date that she paid for.

Yet she then insisted (and I was home alone with her) that the sex be in her bedroom, in the dark, under the sheets and she then lay on her back starfish. Plus she wasn't interested in any foreplay except for a little kissing (ugh). Also as best as I can recall she even had a shaved snatch.

Anyway since I didn't like that experience, I let her go and didn't see her again. What baffles me is that she was surprised, I wasn't interested in having an ongoing sexual relationship with her after that.

That said I have never experienced anything else like that sexually, either before or since.


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## RebuildingMe

If the desire is there, I’d stick with it. It’s only a lost cause for me when she’d rather watch a “Friends” episode from 25 years ago than want to have sex with me.


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## In Absentia

1. No
2. No


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## Numb26

I am going to have to agree with @Torninhalf it would be one and done for me. I am to old to "teach" and there are more options out there then dealing with bad sex.


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## heartsbeating

Depends on what ‘bad’ means… if I consider certain possibilities that are likely engrained, there wouldn’t be a next time. The context is important.


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## Lila

coquille said:


> I remember he was sweating a lot (that was a turnoff) and we didn't engage in much foreplay.


Was he really nervous?


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## joannacroc

I think it depends for what reason it was bad. Was the hygiene bad? That's not super fixable at that age. Or bad in terms of they don't care about your pleasure? Again, not really fixable. Or you're just not compatible? They like things you don't? If they are just a bit clueless and are doing what a past partner liked they might not know they're terrible. Could maybe give positive feedback next time when they do something you do like, or see if they are up for encouragement to do something you do like. Someone who is not open to suggestion or feedback is pretty hard to turn into a good lover. But if you have good communication you guys can probably work on it...


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## Lila

Enigma32 said:


> That depends. If this potential partner had all the other traits that I look for and was an overall great catch, I would forgive bad sex indefinitely. I find other things to be of higher priority when searching for a long term life partner.


This response from you surprised me. I didn't expect it from you.


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## joannacroc

The only thing you can't bounce back from is if they do something to break your trust like not stop or "not hear" when you say "stop" or "no." That's when it's not just about sex - their character is sh&*.


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## ccpowerslave

Personal said:


> Yet she then insisted (and I was home alone with her) that the sex be in her bedroom, in the dark, under the sheets and she then lay on her back starfish. Plus she wasn't interested in any foreplay except for a little kissing (ugh). Also as best as I can recall she even had a shaved snatch.


Everything there sounds awful and then that last sentence there is maybe hope!

Throw in some crying though and I’d be out 💯


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## Lila

BigDaddyNY said:


> My wife was my first and I know I was no stud when we first had sex. I'm glad I wasn't one and done!


When I was young, the sexual experience grading scale ranged from meh to awesome. In general, all of us were in the early learning stages of sex. We didn't know any better. I think we were all forgiving of each other's lack of experience or sexual knowledge. It's different in my late 40s. The grading scale is yes/more or no/not for me. At my age, the men do not have to be a stud from the get go but they have to be sexually compatible and be willing to listen to me.


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## Lila

SpinyNorman said:


> Ignoring all of the posts and responding to the thread title, I just give bad sex until they dump me.


I realized it the thread title was "off" as soon as I pressed post. Figured it would at least draw some traffic.


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## ccpowerslave

Lila said:


> It's different in my late 40s. The grading scale is yes/more or no/not for me. At my age, the men do not have to be a stud from the get go but they have to be sexually compatible and be willing to listen to me.


I think maybe you’re onto something Lila. I’d expect they come with a variety of techniques at that age (my age), will have tried a bunch of stuff, and can take instructions. If not that is pretty sad/bad.


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## She'sStillGotIt

*Would you be open to teaching them to be a better lover?*
I distinctly remember saying at the age of 45, "I'm not training another one. School is out."

Some of you would be amazed that there are STILL men out there over the age of 45 who are as clueless about how to please a woman as they were at 21. 🤣


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## Lila

DudeInProgress said:


> I don’t know that I’ve ever really had BAD sex. Certainly boring sex, uninspiring sex, slightly awkward sex, almost-not-worth it sex. But nothing I would consider really bad, or completely UNpleasant.


I think if you've never had "bad sex" (by whatever definition you use), then it's really hard to wrap your head around it. 

I'm give you an example which you may not be able to relate to because it's from a woman's POV but i hope you can sympathize. The man had one move - the jackhammer - and he wouldn't listen to me when I kept telling him "slower", "more gently" and finally "i don't like being jackhammered". It went in one ear and out the other. And not to be vulgar, but I even tried salvaging the situation by riding. He grabbed my waist and used me to jackhammer him! That's bad sex in my book.


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## Lila

Mr.Married said:


> The answers may well be different between women and men but also if the person is coming out of a sex starved relationship. A person dying of starvation may not care if it’s steak or potted meat.


This is a great point. Patience is certainly needed with a new partner and I'm sure those coming out of dead bedrooms have loads of it.


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## joannacroc

She'sStillGotIt said:


> *Would you be open to teaching them to be a better lover?*
> I distinctly remember saying at the age of 45, "I'm not training another one. School is out."
> 
> *Some of you would be amazed that there are STILL men out there over the age of 45 who are as clueless about how to please a woman as they were at 21. * 🤣


Sadly I would not. I blame the pressure to fake it and or the women who faked it and then told them they were the BEST EVER! No amount of gentle suggestions will persuade some people they are anything less than a stud. With a straight face my XBF told me quite late on in the relationship after he stopped oral on me completely and I asked if everything was ok because he used to say he enjoyed it, "Oh, nothing's wrong, I'm just lazy sometimes. I like XYZ. "(which essentially equated to me giving and never receiving). I had a brain freeze and couldn't believe a human being could actually admit out loud that they were lazy in bed and only interested in receiving from now on.


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## Lila

Personal said:


> Anyway since I didn't like that experience, I let her go and didn't see her again. What baffles me is that she was surprised, I wasn't interested in having an ongoing sexual relationship with her after that.


Did you tell her at the time why you didn't want to see her again?

If you'll read my response to @DudeInProgress i too was baffled by jack hammer dude. He wanted to sleep over and I literally told him to leave afterwards. He messaged me the next day telling me how wonderful I was and how he wanted to get together again. The whole time I'm thinking why TF would you think I would want to put myself through that again.. 🤔


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## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> If the desire is there, I’d stick with it. It’s only a lost cause for me when she’d rather watch a “Friends” episode from 25 years ago than want to have sex with me.


What do you mean by desire? Sexual passion or desire to learn on her part or she caught you on a good day and you desire to put up with it?


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## Lila

Numb26 said:


> I am going to have to agree with @Torninhalf it would be one and done for me. I am to old to "teach" and there are more options out there then dealing with bad sex.





heartsbeating said:


> Depends on what ‘bad’ means… if I consider certain possibilities that are likely engrained, there wouldn’t be a next time. The context is important.


I agree with @heartsbeating in that context matters. 

@Numb26 & @In Absentia would there be any reasons to make you reconsider? What if you enjoyed everything else about this person?


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## Lila

She'sStillGotIt said:


> *Would you be open to teaching them to be a better lover?*
> I distinctly remember saying at the age of 45, "I'm not training another one. School is out."
> 
> Some of you would be amazed that there are STILL men out there over the age of 45 who are as clueless about how to please a woman as they were at 21. 🤣


I'm the first to admit that all women are different when it comes to sexual likes/dislikes but i agree, at over 45 if you have never learned to observe your partners to determine if they are enjoying themselves, that's a problem. 

It's like getting a new job. The person may have previous job experience in the industry and a college degree in that particular field, but there's usually an on-boarding process and on-the-job training. A good company doesn't expect a new hire to just know every little nuance of their job but they do expect the new hire to have a basic understanding of the job responsibilities. And they expect them to be able to learn their new job.


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## Lila

joannacroc said:


> Sadly I would not. I blame the pressure to fake it and or the women who faked it and then told them they were the BEST EVER! No amount of gentle suggestions will persuade some people they are anything less than a stud.


You bring up another good point. I wonder how many over 40 year olds are genuinely interested in learning to be a better lover? 

I'm of the mind that at my age this falls under the category of sexual incompatibility. I feel there is less drive to want to learn new tricks to please a potential partner.


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## bobert

I'm not single so take this with a grain of salt, but I think if someone left a marriage because the sex was bad (whether that was the main reason or just part of the reason), they won't want to deal with that again. Why divorce just to deal with the same crap? I think I'd be out if I divorced and met someone who had CSA issues, for example. I've dealt with it enough in my marriage, and the relationship before meeting my wife. I'd have zero desire to do that again. 

So if the bad sex is anything like previous problems they've had, I think most people would be out. If the bad sex is a totally different set of problems, then there might be a bit more wiggle room to see if things improve.


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## joannacroc

Lila said:


> You bring up another good point. I wonder how many over 40 year olds are genuinely interested in learning to be a better lover?
> 
> I'm of the mind that at my age this falls under the category of sexual incompatibility. I feel there is less drive to want to learn new tricks to please a potential partner.


A really good question...I would say I'm interested in learning especially if the communication is good. When you're learning someone's body whether you're 20 or 60, there's got to be some kind of willingness to adjust or listen to each other because they might hate the things other partners love and you might hate the things their previous partners love. One of my best sexual partners talked practically not at all when not having sex but was an amazing communicator in bed. He was attentive, listened, picked up on cues, and gave me orders/feedback so I knew what he liked. He learned early what I enjoyed, and communicated what he liked. Unfortunately out of bed we weren't meant for longterm. If I could find that connection in bed again with someone who I was compatible with outside of bed, that would be amazing.


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## Numb26

Lila said:


> I agree with @heartsbeating in that context matters.
> 
> @Numb26 & @In Absentia would there be any reasons to make you reconsider? What if you enjoyed everything else about this person?


I am not sure. I know this won't be a very popular opinion but between my kids, work and hobbies/travel most of my mental and emotions needs are being met. So my dating now is more about satisfying other "needs". I don't think that I have the patience to invest the time in teaching. Don't get me wrong, it takes awhile to learn what a partner likes and dislikes and I understand that but I don't want to have to teach what an experienced partner should know already.


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## BigDaddyNY

Lila said:


> When I was young, the sexual experience grading scale ranged from meh to awesome. In general, all of us were in the early learning stages of sex. We didn't know any better. I think we were all forgiving of each other's lack of experience or sexual knowledge. It's different in my late 40s. The grading scale is yes/more or no/not for me. At my age, the men do not have to be a stud from the get go but they have to be sexually compatible and be willing to listen to me.


Very true. Even though my wife was more experienced than I was she was still young. Standards are definitely different when younger. You have more time to figures things out. Now, everyone should have had time to figure things out. If you are 40+ plus and don't know what you are doing it is pretty hopeless.


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## coquille

Lila said:


> Was he really nervous?


Maybe, but it might also have been a combination of things physical and emotional. As we met again and decided to start a relationship, I never looked back at that night, so I didn't much think about it afterwards.


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## Lila

bobert said:


> So if the bad sex is anything like previous problems they've had, I think most people would be out. If the bad sex is a totally different set of problems, then there might be a bit more wiggle room to see if things improve.


What about if you met someone who had been a victim of CSA but who has dealt with it with therapy? Would you still avoid her?

My ex husband had erectile dysfunction that was all mental. He refused to address it either with meds or therapy. I swore after my divorce that I wouldn't date someone with ED. The first person I started dating after the divorce (and on/off again FWB to this day) had ED when we first met. The difference is that he was proactive about treating it. The ED stopped about a year after we started seeing each other.


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## Lila

joannacroc said:


> If I could find that connection in bed again with someone who I was compatible with outside of bed, that would be amazing.


That's called hitting a Grand Slam in the dating world 😁


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## bobert

Lila said:


> What about if you met someone who had been a victim of CSA but who has dealt with it with therapy? *Would you still avoid her?*


Probably, yes. I don't think those issues are ever totally resolved, even with therapy. My wife has been dealing with it in therapy for the last 2½ years with inpatient and outpatient (so more "intense" treatment than IC a few times a month) and she wants it to be better but the issues aren't going anywhere. 

If I was with someone new and able to suspect CSA, obviously it hasn't been resolved. If it came up later in conversation, I'd still be cautious. Those issues have a way of creeping back up.


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## southbound

DudeInProgress said:


> I don’t know that I’ve ever really had BAD sex. Certainly boring sex, uninspiring sex, slightly awkward sex, almost-not-worth it sex. But nothing I would consider really bad, or completely UNpleasant.


Same. I’ve often wondered even how to define bad sex. If the person acts like they’re in a coma or trying to knit gloves instead of have sex, I’m sure it could be bad, but if the other person has fire in their eyes and is trying, it’s all good.


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## ccpowerslave

So the first time with my wife I did a bunch of foreplay with her then gave her oral to completion before I did anything for myself because I really liked her and didn’t want her to think I was a dud. 

So my idea was if she has an orgasm right out of the gate can I really be a dud? Apparently not because her ex never did that and she was like, “Wow...” afterwards.

I really suspect this is a bigger problem for women. You can read stories about it on here where even married guys can’t get their wife off.


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## Personal

Lila said:


> Did you tell her at the time why you didn't want to see her again?


Nope, I felt it was better for her to believe I was the bad guy and was just using her.

That said I liked her and was excited to go on a date with her and I was flattered by her overt desire to date me. Yet given my experience with her, versus my sex life with others, I felt we were simply too far apart sexually to carry on together.

And that experience was worlds apart from any hesitation, or clumsiness/awkwardness, that one may encounter when getting together for the first time.



> If you'll read my response to @DudeInProgress i too was baffled by jack hammer dude. He wanted to sleep over and I literally told him to leave afterwards. He messaged me the next day telling me how wonderful I was and how he wanted to get together again. The whole time I'm thinking why TF would you think I would want to put myself through that again.. 🤔


Well at least one of you found the experience a real pleasure.


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## Personal

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Some of you would be amazed that there are STILL men out there over the age of 45 who are as clueless about how to please a woman as they were at 21. 🤣


I would be surprised if that wasn't the case.


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## In Absentia

Lila said:


> @Numb26 & @In Absentia would there be any reasons to make you reconsider? What if you enjoyed everything else about this person?


At my age, I don't have time for another "problematic" relationship, especially because sex has been a great bone of contention in the last 15 years of my marriage. I enjoyed everything else with my wife. Also, "teaching"? No, thanks. As I said, no "complications" for me...


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## Lila

Personal said:


> Well at least one of you found the experience a real pleasure.


That experience taught me two things.....be selfish and don't be afraid to stop all activity and either leave or have him leave. Never again.


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## Laurentium

For me, bad sex is
- not willing to listen (and learn) when I say what I like
- not willing to tell me what they like
- no enthusiasm

I'd give those very short shrift. Anything else can be remedied.


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## Married but Happy

Lila said:


> You bring up another good point. I wonder how many over 40 year olds are genuinely interested in learning to be a better lover?
> 
> I'm of the mind that at my age this falls under the category of sexual incompatibility. I feel there is less drive to want to learn new tricks to please a potential partner.


I more than doubled my knowledge, skills, and range of experience after 40, and am definitely a better lover because of it. I still occasionally learn or try something new, especially with a new partner. If you don't learn what a new partner likes, the overlap of what you _both_ like may be limiting; why settle for less than great?


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## Married but Happy

Lila said:


> How many opportunities would you give someone after a less than idyllic first time? What about your wife?


It depends on what caused the issue. Someone who is a little nervous (or somewhat inexperienced, but willing) is likely to get another chance (but unlikely a third), whereas someone who can't adapt/listen, won't. That's true for both of us, but as the man is usually expected to take the lead, I have better results more often than my wife. In our experience, there aren't that many really skilled lovers, but some make up for that to some extent with personality and passion.


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## Emerging Buddhist

I would think for many of us at our age we would know the difference between nervous sex and bad sex... @Laurentium defined it nicely that I could agree with for me as well but for many of us who were in very long-term marriages-relationships there is also the transition of focusing dedication from being married and faithful and shifting that to another who may be entering that emotional portion of our world anew.


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## TXTrini

Personal said:


> I had sex with one very pretty older divorced woman, at her place following her initiation, after she took me out on a date that she paid for.
> 
> Yet she then insisted (and I was home alone with her) that the sex be in her bedroom, in the dark, under the sheets and she then lay on her back starfish. Plus she wasn't interested in any foreplay except for a little kissing (ugh). Also as best as I can recall she even had a shaved snatch.
> 
> Anyway since I didn't like that experience, I let her go and didn't see her again. What baffles me is that she was surprised, I wasn't interested in having an ongoing sexual relationship with her after that.
> 
> That said I have never experienced anything else like that sexually, either before or since.


That sounds horrid! Maybe she was trying to get back into the groove after her divorce and felt inhibited?🤷‍♂️


Numb26 said:


> I am going to have to agree with @Torninhalf it would be one and done for me. I am to old to "teach" and there are more options out there then dealing with bad sex.


Suppose you really like the woman? I dunno about you, but I don't like many people, much less enough to hump em. So I'm more willing to work with them if they're open to improvement.


joannacroc said:


> I think it depends for what reason it was bad. Was the hygiene bad? That's not super fixable at that age. Or bad in terms of they don't care about your pleasure? Again, not really fixable. Or you're just not compatible? They like things you don't? If they are just a bit clueless and are doing what a past partner liked they might not know they're terrible. Could maybe give positive feedback next time when they do something you do like, or see if they are up for encouragement to do something you do like. Someone who is not open to suggestion or feedback is pretty hard to turn into a good lover. But if you have good communication you guys can probably work on it...


I agree. How can you judge someone after a couple of times anyway? Nervous people don't have the best days sometimes. If I wrote off my dude early on, I wouldn't be having as much fun as I've been now.


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## RebuildingMe

Lila said:


> What do you mean by desire? Sexual passion or desire to learn on her part or she caught you on a good day and you desire to put up with it?


I’d say both. If by bad, she didn’t want to improve or get to know my likes because it’s just unimportant to her, then that’s a hard no and I’ll pass.

However, if it’s bad because we haven’t figured out what each other likes and what turns us on, but she’s willing to explore, I’d stick with it.

I’ve learned that no desire = no go for me.


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## TXTrini

Lila said:


> This is a great point. Patience is certainly needed with a new partner and I'm sure those coming out of dead bedrooms have loads of it.


I was like Mr. Married described at first, gorging on potted meat 😁. I suppose after years of NO sex, any sex seemed great at the time. 


Numb26 said:


> I am not sure. I know this won't be a very popular opinion but between my kids, work and hobbies/travel most of my mental and emotions needs are being met. So my dating now is more about satisfying other "needs". I don't think that I have the patience to invest the time in teaching. Don't get me wrong, it takes awhile to learn what a partner likes and dislikes and I understand that but I don't want to have to teach what an experienced partner should know already.


Fair enough. Many women (myself included) don't date dads with young kids because of time constraints, so all good. 


Emerging Buddhist said:


> I would think for many of us at our age we would know the difference between nervous sex and bad sex... @Laurentium defined it nicely that I could agree with for me as well but for many of us who were in very long-term marriages-relationships there is also the transition of focusing dedication from being married and faithful and shifting that to another who may be entering that emotional portion of our world anew.


The emotional part of sex was a steep learning curve for me. It didn't take me long to realize physical sex was not enough. I was very inexperienced for a 40 y.o., heck, you "no men" would have run from me🤣. 

I think I hit the "grand slam" as Lila put it with my bf, b/c it was hot hot hot from the getgo. He didn't last long the first few times, but I was fine waiting for him to get his groove (he hasn't had regular sex in a while). If I'd been super picky, I'd have missed out on a really great connection.


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## RebuildingMe

I’d also say that my current relationship is making me feel that quality over quantity is what I prefer. Our schedules don’t line up all the time, we have 5 kids between us from ages 10-17. Her ex only has the kids every other weekend and never during the week. But the times we do spend together, sometimes only 2-3x a month on a bad month, are very fulfilling because we both really attack each other. Passion is what I have missed for so many years. A partner that is there because she *wants* *to be there with me,* not checking off boxes. For years I was hung up on how many times a week versus the enjoyment of sex. I often traded off enjoyment to meet my quota. In the end, I was still miserable. Now I’m not. If we lived together, I think I’d lose this dynamic which is why starting over again at 50, I’m doing things differently this time.


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## lifeistooshort

Lila said:


> What about if you met someone who had been a victim of CSA but who has dealt with it with therapy? Would you still avoid her?
> 
> My ex husband had erectile dysfunction that was all mental. He refused to address it either with meds or therapy. I swore after my divorce that I wouldn't date someone with ED. The first person I started dating after the divorce (and on/off again FWB to this day) had ED when we first met. The difference is that he was proactive about treating it. The ED stopped about a year after we started seeing each other.


Ah yes....I'm no stranger to ED.

My ex had it for years and not only did it get worse he blatantly refused to do anything about it. Looking back he was already showing signs of it when I met him (he was 50 at the time), but I was 31 and figured that'd how it must be for men that age.

I put up with that for years and would never do it again. To your point if a guy made an honest effort to address it and I otherwise liked him I'd give it some time.

On a side note, imagine my surprise when I divorced ex and started dating my current bf, who was 53 at the time. We'd see each other on weekends early on and the first time he wanted it 4 times over the weekend and kept it up for all of it I realized how badly I'd misjudged men over 50. He's now almost 56 and still keeps it up.

My apologies guys....in this case I'm thrilled to be wrong 😀


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## Enigma32

Lila said:


> This response from you surprised me. I didn't expect it from you.


Always expect the unexpected  I chose this name for a reason.


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## Hiner112

Lila said:


> I read a post today on an over 40 dating forum where the OP wanted advice on how to let someone know they weren't interested in dating after a bad first sexual encounter. Most of the advice involved giving the potential partner a few more opportunities to make sure it wasn't nerves and to learn the OP's likes/dislikes. Some even recommended "Teaching" the potential partner how to be a better lover.
> 
> I know the divorced/single demographic at TAM is mostly over 35. I'd like to hear your opinions.
> 
> 
> Would you give a potential partner another chance to test sexual compatibility if the first sexual encounter was not great? If so, how long would you give it?
> Would you be open to teaching them to be a better lover?


I'm going to answer the OP and then read the other responses. There might be other comments later.

The main difference between a good lover and a bad one is consideration and a willingness to listen and learn. If I already know they have these personality traits, technique would just be a matter of time. Judging from when I was 20, I would work with them for at least 6 months. Probably longer but that was how long I _did_ work with my ex.


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## Hiner112

TXTrini said:


> First off, what's bad sex, Precious?


If no amount of foreplay gets her ready for penetration and everything else is to messy or gross for her to do.



Lila said:


> I wonder how many over 40 year olds are genuinely interested in learning to be a better lover?


Never stop learning.

I mean I would expect with each partner you'd have to learn whether they prefer up and down, side to side, or circles at the very least. How hard and how fast. Preferred positions.

The current person I'm talking to has offered kissing lessons since I didn't do that much with my ex once we are able to meet in person. She might have been joking but then again maybe not.



Lila said:


> My ex husband had erectile dysfunction that was all mental. He refused to address it either with meds or therapy. I swore after my divorce that I wouldn't date someone with ED. The first person I started dating after the divorce (and on/off again FWB to this day) had ED when we first met. The difference is that he was proactive about treating it. The ED stopped about a year after we started seeing each other.


My ex wife might have noticed if I had developed ED but then again maybe not. She only had orgasms during clitoral stimulation so PIV rarely involved an orgasm for her unless we were in a positions specifically so I could reach it.


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## TXTrini

Hiner112 said:


> If no amount of foreplay gets her ready for penetration and everything else is to messy or gross for her to do.


Wow, does that happen? I can't imagine bothering to have sex if stuff like that is gross.


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## Hiner112

TXTrini said:


> Wow, does that happen? I can't imagine bothering to have sex if stuff like that is gross.


It did happen. When I was first sexually active a couple decades ago. She got over it eventually... sort of. I will never forget the look on her face when she said, "In my MOUTH?!". For a long time she would have rather done anal than oral (which was obviously long after regular PIV was an option) because it was neater. She wasn't much on hand jobs either because they were slimy.


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## 2&out

I expect to not be that great the first time but do my best to pay attention and responsive to what seems to be either working or not. It has worked for me as my track record of getting another go to improve my performance is pretty good. I expect it to take multiple times to learn and find the rhythm and groove for mutual we need to do this lots more.  Sex has never killed a relationship for me - it's always been something else.


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## 2&out

O.. to answer the question - yes and yes. Haven't ever experienced anything "bad" enough to say no way to giving it another go / try. But I'm a horn dog guy that some is always better than none and am OK with it if I don't think anything "deeper" emotionally or lasting is likely.


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## gr8ful1

Lila said:


> I wonder how many over 40 year olds are genuinely interested in learning to be a better lover?


I’m over 50 and I certainly am.


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## Lila

Glad to hear that most over 40s here are willing to keep learning to be better lovers. 👍🙂


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## DownByTheRiver

Lila said:


> I read a post today on an over 40 dating forum where the OP wanted advice on how to let someone know they weren't interested in dating after a bad first sexual encounter. Most of the advice involved giving the potential partner a few more opportunities to make sure it wasn't nerves and to learn the OP's likes/dislikes. Some even recommended "Teaching" the potential partner how to be a better lover.
> 
> I know the divorced/single demographic at TAM is mostly over 35. I'd like to hear your opinions.
> 
> 
> Would you give a potential partner another chance to test sexual compatibility if the first sexual encounter was not great? If so, how long would you give it?
> Would you be open to teaching them to be a better lover?


If I thought I really liked them as a person, I'd give them a lot of chances and try to guide them. I mean, one guy I was nuts about was the best looking and really brief in bed, but I still think about him. Even though he was nothing much in bed, he was very romantic in a way and I was always excited by him, but yes, if it had become a steady thing (it was intermittent over years), I'd have had to try to get him to compensate with more foreplay. I even tried him 25 years later and he took Viagra, but he was exactly the same. And even lazier. And I was even lazier, so it was destined for failure....but I will always love him.


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## TXTrini

Lila said:


> Glad to hear that most over 40s here are willing to keep learning to be better lovers. 👍🙂


We might be on the wrong side of the timeline, but we ain't dead yet, girrrrrrrl
Reor!


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## lifeistooshort

TXTrini said:


> We might be on the wrong side of the timeline, but we ain't dead yet, girrrrrrrl
> Reor!


There is no wrong side of the timeline if you're still on this Earth.

All birthdays are gifts, especially when you consider the alternative.


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## TXTrini

lifeistooshort said:


> There is no wrong side of the timeline if you're still on this Earth.
> 
> All birthdays are gifts, especially when you consider the alternative.


True. We simply look at things differently.
We're all dying the day we are born, so best make every day count!


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## Lila

TXTrini said:


> We might be on the wrong side of the timeline, but we ain't dead yet, girrrrrrrl
> Reor!





lifeistooshort said:


> There is no wrong side of the timeline if you're still on this Earth.
> 
> All birthdays are gifts, especially when you consider the alternative.


I don't think there's a wrong side of the timeline but I do think there's "extra". 

I've lived a great life. Experienced a pretty good, long term marriage. Raised a wonderful child. Loved unabashedly. Lived a relatively healthy life. Enjoyed my free time and money doing what I want. And yes, had phenomenal sex. If Death knocked on my door right now, I'd go willingly and without regrets. I guess what I'm saying is that anything beyond this point is icing on an already delicious cake and should be ready to pour. For me, too much effort = incompatibility.


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## Quad73

Lila said:


> Glad to hear that most over 40s here are willing to keep learning to be better lovers.


For me, this is half the fun of keeping things exciting in a LTR.

Over 40s can also work on strength and endurance to make it better. 

And there's a another level of course; try completely new / initially awkward things and get better at those too.

Staying in school basically!


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