# Husband made a big purchase against my wishes...



## ramsesgirl

My husband had been wanting a motorcycle. One day, we had a fight, and he decided that he would purchase it to "put me in my place." I was against this, because we don't have the money for it, (and of course, the intention of it all). I asked if he could wait at least until after my exams, because his animosity/passive-aggressive behavior makes it hard for me to focus on my rigorous coursework. He said he didn't care, and made the purchase.
In order to even the playing field, we have made an agreement that I will withdraw, from our savings, an equivalent amount to all money spent on the bike. This is not the best way to do things, but it's all I can do for now. In my opinion, nothing good can come of any of this, and I don't have an immediate use for the money. I would rather just have a kind husband that doesn't assert his dominance in such dramatic ways. 
A bit of background: I am a full-time student; he is in the army (special forces). We have no children. I do not work, but I also don't agree with the idea that it is "his" money. Marriage should be a team. When I do get my career going, I would certainly never pull any nonsense like this on anyone. 
I have a tendency to be controlling, but I have also brought it to his attention that if he was someone I could look up to, I wouldn't feel the need to make a lot of the decisions. (He does not read contracts, shop around for prices, and in general, does not like to "think" about any decisions that affect him or the two of us.) He threatens divorce and does things like this to shut me down.
I don't associate with his peer group, but they all get what they want, and I have a feeling that this macho mentality has rubbed off on my husband. I also have a feeling that his dad treated his mother poorly when my husband was growing up, and that my husband probably sees this as normal, acceptable behavior for a man. 
I don't believe in divorce; I'd like to try all possible routes to make us work, but I know I don't deserve to be treated this way.
It's Thanksgiving, and he decided that he's not going to help me cook, just to "punish" me for disagreeing with him. He does this frequently. In order to keep the peace (and I guess it's also avoidance), I have him stay the night at his work, so that I can focus on school without him throwing his dominance in my face all of the time.
Anyone else gone through this?


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## EleGirl

Why do you object to him getting a motorcycle?


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## ramsesgirl

We can't afford it


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## EleGirl

But you said that you have enough in savings that you could take out an equal amount.


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## ramsesgirl

True, but the money in savings is intended for putting into our investment accounts at the end of the year, as well as for emergencies. Just because the money is in the account does not mean that we can afford to make frivolous purchases on a whim.


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## EleGirl

Well there is a balance that needs to be achieved. 

In marriage, the goal of each spouse should be to facilitate, if at all possible, the other getting what they want.

Why do you think it’s your place as a wife to tell him that he cannot get a motorcycle?

My suggestion is that you take an equal amount and put it in a saving or investment for yourself.

How often does he make the unilateral decision to put big money on things?

From your post I get the impression that you are full time student and his income is supporting you two. Is this right? Or do you also contribute financially to the household?


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## ramsesgirl

I never said it was my place to tell him that he cannot get one. I don't think it's a great idea to purchase something simply to assert dominance or to "put me in my place." We can agree to disagree on that one, but in my opinion, that motive is inexcusable and facilitates resentment.
I have taken an equal amount out which will most likely go into my investment account, not our joint one.
The last time he made such a decision was about a year or so ago, when he needed a new car. It was a new BMW; he didn't want a used one and didn't want to shop around or deal with the dealers. I was left to do all of that if I didn't want him dropping 60K that we didn't have.
I had worked in the past, but when I started school full-time, I stopped working.


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## EleGirl

So he acutally said that he bought the motor cycle to put you in your place?


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## EleGirl

Up front I want to say that I'm not coming down on you. I'm giving you different points of view.... playing devil's advocate.

I can see both of your points of view.

You want to invest more.

He wants some nice things.

Neither of you is right or wrong. 

You also made a decision to go to school and thus the household lost a huge chunk of income. So your desire to save more seems to only be tied to him not being able to get what he wants.

Was he putting you in your place.. as in a man pushing a woman down? Or was he showing you that it's not your place to tell him he cannot have a motorcycle? He works hard for his money.

If I were you I'd drop this bit about the motor cycle. Just tell him that you are glad he can have a nice toy that he really wants.

Then, once you mend this bridge, find a good financial counselor. He might do a lot better working with someone else in handling money.


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## ramsesgirl

Yes, he did say just that, on several occasions. He understands that it is not the best way to go about things, but also that he "deserves" it and that he doesn't care. There are also a lot of other issues surrounding the situation at hand: name-calling, destruction of property, etc etc that I won't get detailed about, but they cause the situation to be more loaded than it sounds.
I don't think he has PTSD or anything from deployments, but I do think that the nature of his job, peer-group, etc has caused some anger management problems. He explodes, and then blames me. I've told him that it's his brain that fills up with anger, and therefore, it is his anger to manage. It is not my job to manage it for him. Of course, he won't go to anger management counseling. Not sure if it shows up on his security clearances or not, but there's definitely a stigma attached to it.
Thanks for pointing out that you are playing devil's advocate; for a second, I wasn't quite sure...


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## EleGirl

You married a man who has a different money style than you do. Surely you knew this. You are not going to change him completely on this topic.

How old are the two of you? How long have you been married?

You should each get to spend $x each payday on anything you want… put x% in savings, pay all bills then split the rest. He can save up for the toy he wants out of that.

A book that might help is “Smart Couple Finish Rich”. Maybe reading it from a man will help him get it.



ramsesgirl said:


> Yes, he did say just that, on several occasions. He understands that it is not the best way to go about things, but also that he "deserves" it and that he doesn't care.


He feels that you are controlling him. You two need marriage and financial counseling to learn how to deal with this issue.



ramsesgirl said:


> There are also a lot of other issues surrounding the situation at hand: name-calling, destruction of property, etc etc that I won't get detailed about, but they cause the situation to be more loaded than it sounds.


This is extremely important yet you left it out of your initial post.
Has he hit you? pushed you?

When he breaks things.. are they things he cares about ? or are they your things and just general household things?



ramsesgirl said:


> I don't think he has PTSD or anything from deployments, but I do think that the nature of his job, peer-group, etc has caused some anger management problems. He explodes, and then blames me. I've told him that it's his brain that fills up with anger, and therefore, it is his anger to manage. It is not my job to manage it for him. Of course, he won't go to anger management counseling. Not sure if it shows up on his security clearances or not, but there's definitely a stigma attached to it.
> Thanks for pointing out that you are playing devil's advocate; for a second, I wasn't quite sure...


Honestly, the motorcycle is not an issue. You had the money and he should be able to have a motor cycle if it’s important to him. 

His anger and violence are the issue. He needs to get help or you will need to leave him.

The army is very attuned right now to things like PTSD. He needs to go get the help he needs or he is going to lose you.
A good way to tell him that when things get heated you will stop talking to prevent it from escalating. 

I use the word ‘STOP’. When he starts to let his anger get the better of him put up your hand in a stop sign and say the work ‘STOP” very firmly. Do this a couple of time and then tell him you are leaving while he calms himself down.

When I did this I practiced it in front of a mirror over and over. 
I’d imagine that he was yelling and getting ready to start the pushing and throwing things. I’d then do the stop routine. I practiced it until it as an automatic response to his angry behavior.

So after it’s an auto response tell him that you have a save word now “stop”. And that when you use it the conversation is over. That he needs to then go do something to calm himself down. He can go for a walk, work out, listen to calming music… something that he finds works for him.

You can go to a safe room, go for a walk, a ride… whatever you need to avoid the conflict and calm down yourself.

Tell him you are going to do this then do it. If he follows you around when you try to go away to defuse things, if he hits you, etc call 911. You have to teach him that this is not ok with you; that you will not allow this behavior in your home.

The other thing that you need to talk with him about is that he needs to be proactive about his anger. He needs to plan things on a regular basis…like exercise to help him manage it. Exercise causes endorphins to be created. Endorphins will help control his anger. Perhaps he can start writing a journal about what he’s angry about. Or he could use a voice recorder…. Anything to get it out of his system and not let it out on you.

We teach people how to treat up. You have to teach him some new rules.


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## costa200

Guy gets shot at for a living, comes home to a wife that tries to control where he spends the money he earned? The same money that is paying for her education? Did i got that right?

Reverse the roles in this. Imagine a woman that works and her husband goes to school. She wants to buy something with the money she earned and he says no, because he knows better what to do with the money SHE is earning!

Is this acceptable? If not, why? And how is this different?

It's not like you're starving or anything. There was enough to go around and take even some more to make it even.


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## ramsesgirl

I'm not saying that I should dictate where his money goes... we are supposed to be a team.
And he does not pay for my education... my university pays me to go to school....


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## Oldmatelot

Marriage is 100% teamwork. It can never be good when one side goes their own way. 
Whilst still serving PTSD is always going to be an issue. Things will be viewed in a different way once he is out if the service. All the same it does sound like he has anger issues. He can still get help with this. 
Have you considered doing 'Financial Prace' together?
A great program to get two people working together financially.


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## Athena1

ramsesgirl said:


> ...to "put me in my place." ...
> 
> ...
> 
> I would rather just have a kind husband that doesn't assert his dominance in such dramatic ways.
> 
> ...
> 
> He threatens divorce and does things like this to shut me down.
> 
> ...
> 
> ...just to "punish" me for disagreeing with him. He does this frequently...


This doesn't sound like money's the real issue here. 

Is this a dynamic that you've agreed to? This is some pretty intense domination.


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## Athena1

costa200 said:


> Guy gets shot at for a living, comes home to a wife that tries to control where he spends the money he earned? The same money that is paying for her education? Did i got that right?
> 
> Reverse the roles in this. Imagine a woman that works and her husband goes to school. She wants to buy something with the money she earned and he says no, because he knows better what to do with the money SHE is earning!
> 
> Is this acceptable? If not, why? And how is this different?
> 
> It's not like you're starving or anything. There was enough to go around and take even some more to make it even.


While we're reversing the roles, are we allowing the wife to put the husband in his place? To punish him? 

Would that be ok?


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## ramsesgirl

Oldmatelot: Thanks for your input. I've heard of Financial Peace, and that is something that I think we both would be willing to try. The army actually gets people together for that on a fairly frequent basis.

Athena1: Yes, it is intense. He actually just cried "divorce" again a few hours ago. He is staying the night at work and not speaking to me. I'm composed and whatnot, but I don't really want a divorce. No telling if he is trying to shut me down again or is serious...


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## ramsesgirl

And yes, if the roles were reversed: I would not be buying a European vacation just to spite my husband, I would not make him feel that he is insignificant because he is a student and not the breadwinner, and I would not threaten to leave him everytime I felt cornered. I'm not the perfect wife, but I certainly don't operate like that. We agreed to this "me being a full-time student" situation. We also agreed that when I graduate (and I will have a guaranteed position, making at least what he does), that he can get out of the army, get his degree, and that I will support HIM. 
Also, we are in our early thirties, and have been married for six years...


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## that_girl

Let him have his motorcycle.

My husband rides. It's good for them. Just my opinion, of course, but it sounds like he really wanted it and didn't want to take no for an answer. I get it. You aren't his mother. Just let it go. I will probably get beat for this, but I just don't see the big deal. It won't hurt in the long run.


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## that_girl

He is not really doing it out of spite. He's just saying, "Hey, I really want this and I know you'll say no, but It's really not up for discussion this time." 

Sometimes there is no compromise. I know it's frustrating but don't play the game "tit for tat". Just put your money back in the bank and just let it go. He's probably feeling like YOU want to control what he's doing, etc. I have been there with my husband. I tried to control everything and say what to do, etc. Yea, he left me for 3 months. This isn't a big deal in the big picture. He wants a bike. Let him ride. 

Maybe I'm just projecting, I duno.


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## that_girl

He threatens to leave?

Eesh. Talk to him. Figure out why he wants to leave. Something is out of whack. Talk now. don't wait until he leaves. I know from experience.


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## EleGirl

ramsesgirl said:


> I'm not saying that I should dictate where his money goes... we are supposed to be a team.
> And he does not pay for my education... my university pays me to go to school....


Your university pays you? Like a salary? Or do you mean grants, student loans, etc? 

Do you bring in extra money to pay half the bills at home as well?


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## EleGirl

About him saying that he got it to put you in your place. I agree with that_girl, he most likely meant that it was not up for discussion. That’s ok since the two of you seem to be doing ok financially. Having the motorcycle might help him handle his anger issue.

What I find curious is that you are more concerned about him saying that he bought it to put your in your place than you are about the money or about his overall anger and abuse.

I just re-read all of your posts… 

Sounds like the two of you are in a power struggle. It also sounds like you are losing this struggle.



ramsesgirl said:


> I would rather just have a kind husband that doesn't assert his dominance in such dramatic ways.
> ….
> I have a tendency to be controlling, but I have also brought it to his attention that if he was someone I could look up to, I wouldn't feel the need to make a lot of the decisions. (He does not read contracts, shop around for prices, and in general, does not like to "think" about any decisions that affect him or the two of us.)


You tell him that you cannot look up to him… then you get upset when he stands his ground? 


ramsesgirl said:


> It's Thanksgiving, and he decided that he's not going to help me cook, just to "punish" me for disagreeing with him. He does this frequently. In order to keep the peace (and I guess it's also avoidance), I have him stay the night at his work, so that I can focus on school without him throwing his dominance in my face all of the time.


He punishes you by saying that he will not help you cook. 

You send him away to sleep elsewhere… (surely there is a better way to defuse this!)

If my husband sent me away to spend the night in the barracks for a major holiday I’d probably be crying divorce as well. 

No wonder he feels like he has to assert his dominance with him, you treat him like a little boy who you do not respect at all.

 This does not justify the way he acts when he’s angry… but he has every right to be p!ssed off.


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## ramsesgirl

It was not the "act" of him not helping me to cook, but the act of withdrawing himself from what is supposed to be a family holiday, as a means of "punishment." The same with him "putting me in my place." And I AM concerned about the abuse. These things just add to it, and it is becoming hard for me decipher where normal, angry reactions from him end and where the abuse begins...
I did not "send him away" to the barracks in order to prove a point or to be spiteful. He does not mind staying the night there, and (while it is a form of avoidance) we mutually agree each time that it is a good idea. I would offer to stay the night elsewhere at times, but I have no support system here, and nowhere to go. 
I understand that we will not see eye-to-eye here, and I appreciate your input, nonetheless. I try to be forgiving when he tries nearly anything and everything to tear me down, and he constantly reminds me that I am nothing without him (=ridiculous). I am sorry, but it is hard to respect someone who thinks that the home is run like "the barracks." The world is a little bigger than that... I feel like he will run rampant with his angry outbursts on me, because I am "safe" and have been putting up with it. My fault for putting up with it, I know. But that doesn't absolve him.


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## ramsesgirl

And I can let the motorcycle thing go, to keep the peace, if for no other reason. But I hardly believe that this will solve his anger issue. He needs a professional, not an inanimate object. Actually, we BOTH need professional counseling...


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## EleGirl

ramsesgirl said:


> It was not the "act" of him not helping me to cook, but the act of withdrawing himself from what is supposed to be a family holiday, as a means of "punishment." The same with him "putting me in my place." And I AM concerned about the abuse. These things just add to it, and it is becoming hard for me decipher where normal, angry reactions from him end and where the abuse begins...


I get why him not helping you cook is a big deal. But I wonder if you push things to the point that he feels he has to stand his ground.

From experience when people say stupid stuff like that it’s in the midst of a blow up. .they really do not mean it. So you have to give them a way out so that they can save face… 


ramsesgirl said:


> I did not "send him away" to the barracks in order to prove a point or to be spiteful. He does not mind staying the night there, and (while it is a form of avoidance) we mutually agree each time that it is a good idea. I would offer to stay the night elsewhere at times, but I have no support system here, and nowhere to go.


Out of spite or not, going away or asking him to stay elsewhere is a really bad idea. I would not accept it from my spouse. I would be ticked if he left or he wanted me to leave. 

But if it was mutually agreed upon then that’s between the two of you.


ramsesgirl said:


> I understand that we will not see eye-to-eye here, and I appreciate your input, nonetheless. I try to be forgiving when he tries nearly anything and everything to tear me down, and he constantly reminds me that I am nothing without him (=ridiculous). I am sorry, but it is hard to respect someone who thinks that the home is run like "the barracks."
> The world is a little bigger than that... I feel like he will run rampant with his angry outbursts on me, because I am "safe" and have been putting up with it. My fault for putting up with it, I know. But that doesn't absolve him.


Here we are at the crux of things. This is what is important. The two of you have a huge power struggle going on. He’s using verbal abuse, angry outbursts and violent behavior in an attempt to impose control. 

I believe I asked you earlier whose stuff he breaks when he breaks stuff. It’s an extremely important question to have answered when looking at abuse. Why?

If he breaks only your stuff. He’s attacking you. The message to take away is that this time it’s you stuff. Next time, not of these next times, it will be you. Again, he might look out of control but he’s not. He’s using the violence to get a very strong message over to you. He’s willing to not only break your stuff but to physically harm you if he needs to get control over you. 

Hitting walls, furniture, etc. is also a message that next time this could be you.


If he’s breaking his own stuff that he likes, he’s most likely truly out of control. 


I wonder if his anger and violence has increased as you get nearer to completing your degree… is it a bachelors, masters or PHD?

Does he have a degree of any kind. If what? (BS..etc)
One thing to keep in mind is that when one spouse increases their level of education to be more than the other spouse it often causes the marriage to end. It creates and imbalance that one or both cannot deal with. You’re getting this new degree might be making your husband feel very insecure. Don’t worry, I’m not suggesting that you abandon the degree but instead just letting you know that this is a very common dynamic.

Years ago I married a man with an MS in EE. I have an MS in CS. Things were pretty good. Then he decided to go for an MD. It’s what he really wanted to do all along. So I supported him through medical school and residency. The month he finished residency he announced that he wanted a divorce. By that time it was clear that he felt he was better than me. The put down, insults, were constant. I’ve read that something like 98% of people who get a higher level degree than their spouse during marriage end up divorcing.


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## EleGirl

ramsesgirl said:


> And I can let the motorcycle thing go, to keep the peace, if for no other reason. But I hardly believe that this will solve his anger issue. He needs a professional, not an inanimate object. Actually, we BOTH need professional counseling...


I agree that letting the motorcycle thing go will not solve his anger issue. 

But it will get your focus on the most important issue.... his anger and the outbursts, verbal put downs, etc. This needs to be your focus.

And I agree with the counseling.


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## that_girl

He doesn't need a therapist.

He needs a wife, not a mother.

I say that because I was there. Where you are now. And I almost lost my marriage because of it. 

I knwo you may read these words and think, "Psh! You don't know me!" I know I didn't listen to warnings...even from my own husband.

I had to go through some hell of him leaving and I had to get therapy for myself.

It's not a power struggle. It's two lives merging. You are not in control of his life. You two should work together, of course, but it's not a "who is in control" thing. But it's difficult to explain. I didn't even know I had an issue until life slapped me HARD in the face when he sat me down to say he's leaving because of how I treated him. He even said he was always SO ANGRY (he never showed it) that he was worried about becoming violent --- so he had to leave before that happened. Your husband's anger probably comes from frustration and the feeling of being 'controlled'.

Be his wife, not his mother-- that's all I'm saying. He will continue to do these things (lie about money, go behind your back) because he doesn't want another mother.

He isn't 'punishing' you by not helping. He just doesn't know HOW to talk to you to say how you feel. If you are anything like I was, had my husband come to tell me my faults, I would have blown up and fought with him about how i'm right and he's wrong, blah blah blah...all horse shet. BUT...it made my husband detach from our marriage. ...he simply didn't want to deal with it.

Be careful, I fear you're on the same path.


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## that_girl

I come back to this to add some things:

I had to realize that this is our one chance at life. WHO AM I to squash anyone's dreams just because I had 'rules' or had to control the situation? My god, how stupid and selfish of me! he'd never squash something I wanted badly enough.

I also had to realize that at some point, I will do something on the spontaneous drive of "what the eff" and sometimes that's ok as long as responsibilities are taken care of. 

My husband SHOULD NOT be lying/hiding his life from me.  What a blow! I am his wife! It was time for me to lighten up and just learn to flow. Smile more. Laugh more. Enjoy more. 

My new attitude was "F&ck it"...with a smile  All this crap we feel we need to control is just garbage. Perhaps, like me, there is some turmoil within yourself so you want to control what you can--- best to calm the storm and just flow with life.


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## costa200

Athena1 said:


> While we're reversing the roles, are we allowing the wife to put the husband in his place? To punish him?
> 
> Would that be ok?


Absolutely. If a guy willingly places himself on a position where he lives off what his wife makes and starts to mouth off about how the money should be spent and tries to prevent the wife from making decisions about how the money she earned, then yeah, i totally support that. He totally needs to be taken down a peg.


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## Bobby5000

1. The money is there. You decided you had the right to control the money through investments, he didn't. I don't have too much of a problem with him buying this, particularly since he allowed you to use an equivalent amoun to of money. 

2. I do have a problem with his destroying property. While he is in a violent business, he has to learn boundaries.


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## ilyers2002

Hi, i just want to say that Im not trying to be mean to you when I say this, I just feel it needs to be said. (I actually created an account just to reply to your ? bc I feel like I have an important enough reply.) Anyhow, you state over and over that you feel that your husband does not respect you due to his "frivilous" and "unnessesary/expensive" purchases, and while I agree with you 100% that he should not be using the reasoning of doing so as "to put you in your place", I have to say that I DO agree with him on his purchases. Your husband is in a line of work where he may not come home one day, and he is doing that line of work not only for YOUR freedom, but for that of MINE and everyone else on this forum and around the U.S. My point is: I think you need to loosen your reigns on his spending and his purchases. While you may have the rest of your life to live and save and make those purchases when you can afford them, he may never get to. If you keep telling him "next year, next year, not right now..." and he gets deployed and doesnt come home, then he never got the opportunity to enjoy the things that he wanted to in life and that HE worked for. If that were the case, the he would have spent all those years doing his job to pay for everyone else's things, I.E. YOUR education, (what will become)-YOUR house, YOUR car, and the nations freedom. What will he take away from the enjoyment his life fullfilled except providing for everyone else except him? if he wants a motorcycle, let him have it. If he wants a BMW, let him get one. If he wants to buy a 50" flat screen, you should get dressed up and go with him happily to buy it. Im sure he knows everyday is a risk for him and that is probably why he resents you telling him what to do with his money. I think he IS being fair with you on money, he is paying your tuition. You dont find it a little off that you ask him to do so and then tell him he cant have nice things as well and then when hes had enough and goes behind you, you "comprimise" by making him allow you to take out the equal amount of money from the bank account for YOUR next purchase (investment, i dont care.) THAT IS NOT *YOUR* money, sweetheart, and you have ALREADY been compensated by him in the means of your tuition. I suggest you put that money back in the bank account and leave his account and purchases alone until you have a job and pay your own tuition and make equal household contributions. (BTW, if you are not working, then I assume as well that he pays for your housing, food, gas, entertainment, books, electricity and the rest of the works.) I dont agree when you say that "the two" of you cannot afford it. What you really mean is that YOU cannot afford it. HE CAN. If he was not married to you and paying your way with your extra expenses, he COULD afford it. I dont understand why you dont work if money is creating such an issue in your household? Going to school is not an excuse to not work. There are tons of single (and married) moms (and dads) that not only go to school full time, but work 2 jobs and raise a family. You can do both, I think you choose not to, and I think you expect him to cut back on his purchases in order to keep the expenses low so you wont have to work. I think you are being incredibly selfish. I think you need to understand your husbands line of work more, and start appreciating him and stop ball-busting him. Hopefully, this scenario will never become a reality, but there is a possibility that you might get a knock at the door one day telling you that your husband is not coming home...I think at that point that these frivilous fights you are having over HIS purchases made with HIS money that you started a fight over will replay in your memory. As a wife, Id rather have the memory that I supported my husbands hobbies, ambitions, goals and that I participated in the things that made him happiest while he was here. You need to step back and re-evaluate your input in this marriage. You are not being supportive, you are being demanding. I also do not like the part where you told/tell your husband that his anger issues "are his and in his head, not yours and he needs to deal with it himself" You dont find that CRUEL at all?? You are his wife! You state that he wont seek help because he is afraid of the ramifications and we all know men do not talk to their buddies about these things, you are the only person he SHOULD be able to talk to!! No wonder your husband is that angry. He is forced to keep the horrible things he needs to talk about to himself. I feel very sorry for him. You seem like you are quite selfish and rude and insensitive and oh so many other things. I did start off this post by saying that I wasnt trying to be mean to you, but as the words crossed my mind while I was typing this, my mind may have changed just a little. Wether or not you and your husband stay together, will be between you and your husband, but you need to remember this--at the end of the day, you are going to walk away from this marriage with an education that was essentially free, and a career because your husband was kind enough to allow YOU that. Find a reason to be thankful for him. Find a way to appreciate him and be the kind of wife to him that a husband he is to you. Acknowledge that he knows he may not come home one day, and support his intrests and EMOTIONS. Also, get a job. He is not your throwaway piggy bank. And put that money back into his account, or withdraw from your classes until you start paying for them yourself. You are not owed that money. That is HIS money and be thankful with what he has ALREADY done for you, dont be greedy. And lastly, get of the computer (or smartphone) and go tell your husband you LOVE him, and ask him to take you for a spin around the block on his new ride. If you do these things, I promise your marriage will do a 180*. Thats all I have to say. Take care.


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## Omegaa

Interesting thread.

I did wonder if your spouse is happy being married to you generally? 

Usually, some men do behave this way when he's unhappy... 

(Some men unfortunately do not know how to communicate his frustrations and use aggression instead, which is a very juvenile / immature thing to do..)

You don't sound like you're in love with your h..you sound more like an "bank manager"....Believe me, I know where you are coming from as I have been there and done that and got the T-shirt myself.

Good luck! it's not the best situation you are in. Hope you get sorted out soon.


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## ChuckCanuck

EleGirl said:


> In marriage, the goal of each spouse should be to facilitate, if at all possible, the other getting what they want.


Is this actually true?


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## Principal

ramsesgirl, maybe your H could have gone about it better, but let me try to give you a sense of what a motorcycle can mean to a guy.

Riding a motorcycle is a primal thing - not unlike a caveman taming a wild beast. Except in our modern world we settle for horses or motorcycles. Riding them brings out that subconcious feeling that we are free and able to control a dangerous wild thing and do it while riding off into the sunset. Ok, that may be a little too romantic but you get the idea. That is why guys just "go for a ride" without any intended destination other than to go where ever the wind takes them.

There are other advantages as well. Motorcycling is usually guys hanging out with other guys. More often than not, women riders hang out with other women riders, and sometimes, but rarely, couples ride together. My point being, we are not doing it to meet other women that's for sure - quite the opposite.

In my case, my STBEW has fully supported my motorcycling habits always. She rarely comes with me but will do on occasion if the conditions are perfect. Mostly she wants me to go off and "ride with the boys." She knows how much it clears my head, etc.

You may have very valid concerns about your H's safety, his experience level and who he might be hanging out with. Certainly motorcycling can be dangerous for the inexperienced. In my case, I ride on the racetrack as well as the street and once a year take a 3 to 5 day tour with my buddies. My wife loves my Italian motorcycle and how I look in a full set of Italian leathers.

If you can get past the very valid financial issue (spending a lot of your joint funds without first discussing it with you) and can now come out positive and supportive of your H's new found interest in motorcycles, you could turn this into a very rewarding experience for both of you going forward. Just sayin'.

I hope this helps just a little with one part of the issues you're dealing with.


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## bewilderness

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is anyone READING this? Are people actually saying that the OP should be taken down a peg because she disapproves of her husband's passive-aggressive spending habits? Are people arguing that OP's husband "deserves" a motorcycle because he works while she merely goes to school? She is investing in their future too. And responsibly, I might add....while he gets a BMW and a motorcycle. He's in the ARMY...not a law firm, for crying out loud. There is no way his purchases make financial sense. On any planet. Let alone when they are made in spite. 

There are several threads in this forum about wives and reckless spending. No one is saying that the wives deserve 150 purses. 

To suggest that one person controls the spending simply because the other spouse is a student is absurd. Partners support each other through education for the good of the WHOLE. And in the meantime, they make decisions together. With respect for the family finances. 

I am shocked at these responses. No wonder we are suffering a global economic crisis. 

OP works. School is work. OP's education is paid for and will continue to provide benefits in the future. A motorcycle and a BMW? Toys. A real man invests wisely in his future, his marriage, and his relationship. People before things. If they decide to make a large purchase, it should be done with consent and respect. Or they agree to annual personal spending accounts/amounts that are not up for debate. But this way? Totally unreasonable and uncalled for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Viseral

Here's an idea:

Next time he comes home, tell him how hot and sexy he is wearing all that leather and taming that beast of a motorcycle. Tell him you "want a ride baby", then when you two get home, give him a romp he'll never forget!

You'll be happy, he'll be happy, and you will have overcome this hurdle in your relationship.

If what you're doing is wrong, then the opposite must be right.

You married a high test special forces soldier. He goes down range, gets shot at for a living, and asks for more. 

As much as you try, you won't be able to control him. And deep down, this is probably what made you hot for him in the first place.

Use the power of your femininity to influence him in other ways. His high testosterone is also his biggest weakness. Trust me, if you do it right, you'll get whatever you want.


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## unbelievable

You admit that you have "control issues". If that's the case, this guy either has to defy your wishes occasionally or quit being an adult human being. He's SF but you think he requires your supervision? The man is a master planner and doer. He is trained to go deep into the crap with almost nothing, kill people, break their crap, and get himself and his team out in one piece. He obviously has better-than-average intelligence or he wouldn't have a tab on his shoulder. 
You attend school and that requires tuition and the loss of your potential earnings for a time for you to get what you want. He's apparently supportive of that. The money isn't the issue or you wouldn't have agreed to take a sum equal to that of the bike out of savings for yourself. That would double whatever is lost from investment income. 
If you admit you are controlling and he came right out and said he bought a bike to put you in your place, I suggest you back off and let this guy be an adult male as God and the U.S. Army intended. If he honestly is a tab wearing, beret wearing, Q course graduate, he's not only a man, he's a leader and has proven himself to be one of the most feared, capable, resourceful men on the face of the earth. He gets to come home to an unemployed woman who feels he needs supervision and she's qualified to give it? Are you serious? 
Depending on the bike he buys, he could be making an investment. Your average Harley or a Goldwing, for example, actually appreciate it value and a lot more reliably than most mutual funds or stocks. For a wife, statistically, the best possible investment she can make is to maintain her marital status. That requires having a husband who feels respected in his own home. The average income of a married woman is over 2.5X higher than that of a divorced or unmarried one. SF soldiers typically receive accelerated promotions, jump pay, hazardous duty pay, and bennies you know of better than I. They get to retire with 20 years service. Financially, he aint a bad catch at all. If the price for keeping him is the value of a motorcycle, that's the best bargain you'll ever get in this life. 
My wife doesn't work and money is tight over here like everywhere else. Still, she's an adult, rational, responsible human being. If she wants a major purchase once in a while, I'll make it happen. It's more important to me that I have a wife who feels like a valued adult than for me to have a few extra bucks in the stock account. I'm as tight as they come with money, but I know what divorces cost. Marriages where both people can't feel valued and respected don't last. If you think you have assets, be forced to liquidate them due to a divorce and you'll find out what you really have. It won't be a fraction of what you believe you have. Neither of you will win, financially, in a divorce. 
This marriage thing is a two-way street. If you can't respect him or his wishes, he won't feel the need to respect your's. Being married to a Soldier is tough and the odds are against you. Staying married to an active duty SF Soldier is just about impossible. Most women couldn't or wouldn't. You have enough odds against your marital success without adding a stupid motorcycle to the list. You may find you enjoy the bike as much as he does. My wife loves mine and riding is how we spend most of our recreational couple time. You can turn this into something really great for your marriage or you can easily jump into a passive-aggressive spend-fest that only will benefit a couple of lawyers down the road. You're better off living in a single wide trailer with a man who feels respected than in a mansion beside a resentful, henpecked one.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Let the motorcycle issue go. Being controlling does not work for a happily married couple, supporting one another does and this includes buying motorcycles. 

This is a one time deal and he doesn't have a spending addiction where he buys everything in sight. He feels like you are treating him like a child. I'd personally only be upset if there was a spending addiction. 

My husband provides for us 100% and has done this for the last 11-12 years. I have never stopped him before from spending any of his hard earned money, nor would I either. I'm also free to buy anything I want with my husbands hard earned money. He supports all my hobbies without any question and I support his.


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## Theseus

bewilderness said:


> To suggest that one person controls the spending simply because the other spouse is a student is absurd.


No one is saying one spouse should control 100% of the spending. Actually, that's the very point here. The wife is trying to control it. It's great to make joint financial decisions but when one person wants to buy something and the other person doesn't, where do you go? Does the wife always break the tie vote?

The man earns money. It's beyond ridiculous to tell him he can't spend at least half of it the way he wants to. Yes, it might be a poor financial decision. But guess what, he's an adult, and it's his decision to make.


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## bewilderness

Theseus said:


> The man earns money. It's beyond ridiculous to tell him he can't spend at least half of it the way he wants to. Yes, it might be a poor financial decision. But guess what, he's an adult, and it's his decision to make.


So his total disregard for their financial well-being can be overlooked because he wants to do something...like a child...but her maturity and restraint is out of line? Seriously. It is no surprise that we are in a global economic crisis if this is how people think. I keep hearing a whining child in the checkout lane, demanding candy. 

Earning money doesn't grant a person the right to control it. The person who is best suited for managing money should have the most say. And any major purchase should be made together for the sake of the marriage and financial well-being. Period. Quite certain Dave Ramsey would agree. 

Lastly, I guarantee that if the tables were turned and a wife made an irresponsible purchase, people would be defending the husband. It happens all the time. The fact that she is a student should not matter. She's working. She just doesn't get paid - yet.

I would love to hear how the OP and her husband resolved this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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