# Dating advice



## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

So it's been awhile since I have been on the site and posted. I have now been on 3 dates with a woman I met online and I have a 4th date tonight. She is great and I'm starting to develop feelings for her. 

The thing is...I am not completely sure if she is that into me or not. She rarely initiates texting with me but she responds pretty well. On the dates themselves, she seems to be into me and has positive body language. We have been seeing each other about once a week.

So far, I kisser her on the second date and on the 3rd we made out a little. Maybe she is just a slow mover? Can I assume she is interested in me if she still wants to go out a 4th time?

I know I shouldn't assume anything by the whole texting fiasco but I am really paranoid about this lol. I really wants things to work out and pursue a relationship with her. Also, How many dates would be a good time to discuss being exclusive without scaring her off?

I've been out of the game so long I have forgotten the rules :scratchhead:


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

She wants to go out a 4th time.

That suggests she's interested.

Just play it cool and don't go with the whole exclusive talk if you're not sure where her head is at.

That much being said I've done the exclusive talk after just 2 dates.


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## grays (Jun 24, 2014)

I think it is a good sign that she's going out with you again. I would not be going out on a fourth date with someone I wasn't interested in, especially if there had been some making out. 

As far as the texting thing... Ugh. I am very open and forward and normally willing to make some moves first. But I feel like I've been burned a couple of times by texting a guy first or initiating a new text conversation. Funny, though, both of these guys were of the same ethnicity, known for being kinda macho. They didn't seem that way, but I can't help but wonder if it was a cultural issue. But still, it scared me off a bit from initiating text convos -- with anyone. And it also made me feel like I don't want to make any important first moves for a while, like you won't be catching me initiating the lean in for first kiss any time soon. After having been horribly rejected by my best friend and partner of 25 years I just don't have it in me to handle a dodge of a kiss right now. lol Also, like you, I've been out of the game so long, not sure if I still know how to read all the signals correctly. 

But ya know, I think a lot of women have those kinds of limits. If she's responding to your texts in a good way, you're good. When I get a text from someone I'm feeling good about I almost always respond pretty quickly, but if I don't feel good about them, I'll let it linger, yk? We must all be that way, right?

I have absolutely no idea about talking about being exclusive. Hmmmmm.... I'd say wait till after you've seen if the sex is good. lol I'd only cross that bridge if absolutely necessary, yk? If a guy brought it up with me too early, though, I think I wouldn't react badly. I'd be flattered and nice about it. It wouldn't chase me off but maybe tell me something about him, something positive.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Don't rush it. Do start having occasional short conversations over the next few dates to see if your values, goals, and interests match up - i.e., are you basically compatible? And you may want to watch for or ask about deal-breaker issues soon. If not compatible, end it sooner rather than later, else you may get stuck in a relationship that's not good for you. If so, then talk about exclusivity while you get to know each other more deeply over the coming months. Personally, I'd want to know about sexual compatibility before deciding to be exclusive as it may be harder to break up if you later discover that you're not.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

I personally don't like texting, I suck at it and I'm too busy at work to do it except for during lunchtime and in the evenings. I prefer to use it for that short message "I'm stopping at the store on the way home", "running late" or whatever. What comes across in IRL is the most important...ie the making out and more dates sounds promising. I'm of the camp that if things have gone physical it should be exclusive. I mean would you want to be making out with someone that had had their tongue down several different peoples throats the last couple dates before yours? Someone that would do that would automatically be DQ'd from my want list. Ick.


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## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

grays said:


> But ya know, I think a lot of women have those kinds of limits. If she's responding to your texts in a good way, you're good. When I get a text from someone I'm feeling good about I almost always respond pretty quickly, but if I don't feel good about them, I'll let it linger, yk? We must all be that way, right?
> .


It's weird...she always responds in a pretty positive way but doesn't really make much of an attempt to keep the conversation going. I text her every couple of days and the conversation usually only last a few texts. 

The time of response varies from instantly to an hour. I think(and hope) I am over-thinking the texting ordeal. She may just not be a big texter and I know her schedule is very busy. She is also 33, so she is not as attached to her phone as some of the younger crowd.

Tonight will be a good night to continue judging her body language. Haven't got to the sex yet but I am hoping it will be soon:smthumbupif we even get to that).


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Brokenman85 said:


> It's weird...she always responds in a pretty positive way but doesn't really make much of an attempt to keep the conversation going. I text her every couple of days and the conversation usually only last a few texts.
> 
> The time of response varies from instantly to an hour. I think(and hope) I am over-thinking the texting ordeal. She may just not be a big texter and I know her schedule is very busy. She is also 33, so she is not as attached to her phone as some of the younger crowd.
> 
> Tonight will be a good night to continue judging her body language. Haven't got to the sex yet but I am hoping it will be soon:smthumbupif we even get to that).


My advice is to just be your authentic self.......nice but not clingy. Just chill and guard yourself against disappointment. When you give more than you get you are vulnerable. It's too soon for that. At the risk of sounding cliche' read MMSLP if you have not already or re-read it if you have already. Relax......what is supposed to be will be.


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## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

Betrayedone said:


> My advice is to just be your authentic self.......nice but not clingy. Just chill and guard yourself against disappointment. When you give more than you get you are vulnerable. It's too soon for that. At the risk of sounding cliche' read MMSLP if you have not already or re-read it if you have already. Relax......what is supposed to be will be.


Yes, I have already read it but I need to re-read it again. It definitely has some good info in it.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

The quicker someone the replies to a text, the more interested. If they take days then it is a no go (very generalised).

As for the exclusive thing, well IMHO that is a talk for after you have had sex, not before.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

badcompany said:


> I'm of the camp that if things have gone physical it should be exclusive. I mean would you want to be making out with someone that had had their tongue down several different peoples throats the last couple dates before yours? Someone that would do that would automatically be DQ'd from my want list. Ick.


:iagree:

But I might be old fashioned about this.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Brokenman, as you can see there are many different attitudes re exclusivity. How do you feel about it? You can ask her on the next date how she is feeling about where this is going. Kind of feel her out?

The texting pattern may change as she gets more invested in you. Mine did. We started texting very, very slowly and ramped up as we each got more invested in each other.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Fenix said:


> The texting pattern may change as she gets more invested in you. Mine did. We started texting very, very slowly and ramped up as we each got more invested in each other.


On dating sites I passed along my number, thinking I was making it easy on the woman who seemed interested. 

Little did I know at least from the current G.F. that she would never call a man first.. She feels that a man giving her a number means he is waiting for her to make the call and make the first move. Thus meaning she is more interested in him.. 

She of course wanted the reverse.. 

We started off slowly texting until we had sex.. Then it went to everyday.. Several times a day..

How is the affection on the dates ? Is there pecking and light kissing in public ? Is there hugging and hand holding in public..


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## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

Well date 4 didn't go so well. Her body language wasn't good like it was before and I knew something was up. At the end of the date she asked me what I thought about things so far...

I told her I liked her and could see potential for us. I asked her how she felt and she said she was still unsure. What I didn't mention before is that she has never been in a committed relationship before. Never.

I found that to be odd and a red flag at age 33, but I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt since she has always been invested in her career.
She said she likes to take things very very slow and she did say she wanted to see me again but I'm not sure if she really meant that or not. 

I'm pretty sure that this woman is just unfortunately emotionally unavailable. I feel pretty good on how I handled the whole initial courting process. Maybe she is just too scared to take the plunge and finally be committed to someone? 

I ended up texting her later basically saying that I would still want to date her but I was going to give her space and stop trying to pursue her. I told her she knows where to find me if she does want to go out again.

I like her but I see no point in chasing someone who doesn't want to be chased, so I put the ball in her court. If she truly does want to see me again she will let me know. Either way, I'm mentally preparing myself to never hear from her again....

It sucks because I really do like her and we have a lot in common. I thought this might be an opportunity for me to finally be happy. I'm really tired of getting my heart broken.

Dating can just be such a drain on you emotionally and financially. I'm thinking maybe I should just take a break from trying and accept being alone. It's not what I want and I'm not programmed to be alone but I just can't take anymore disappointment. 

I feel like I keep getting punished over and over again since my separation and I haven't done anything to deserve this


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Sorry I didn't go look - you are only separated? How long? You may be rushing or she might think it would just end up being a rebound relationship.

Yes, 33 is odd for not having any LTR but maybe she really DOES just want to take it slow and most guys won't proceed of there isn't sex past a certain # of dates. Maybe you should ask her why. Are her parents divorced and was it ugly? Or did she grow up poor and taught to focus on her career first? It's only four dates! If you are expecting love by then, you ARE rushing. 

I think your text was premature. She'll probably assume that you gave up due to lack of sex thus far and don't want to put energy into the chase. Good things come to those who wait. Often it is true. Taking your time to really get to know someone can lead to a higher level of emotional intimacy.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

I don't think I would have left the ball in her court.

Some women like to be pursued. 

She may have been interested enough to keep on seeing you and now she may very well be thinking "well so much for that guy, if he really wanted to date me he wouldn't have given up so fast".

Maybe give it a week and if you don't hear from her - and you probably won't- give her a call and tell her you've been thinking about her and you'd like to take her to dinner.


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## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Sorry I didn't go look - you are only separated? How long? You may be rushing or she might think it would just end up being a rebound relationship.
> 
> Yes, 33 is odd for not having any LTR but maybe she really DOES just want to take it slow and most guys won't proceed of there isn't sex past a certain # of dates. Maybe you should ask her why. Are her parents divorced and was it ugly? Or did she grow up poor and taught to focus on her career first? It's only four dates! If you are expecting love by then, you ARE rushing.
> 
> I think your text was premature. She'll probably assume that you gave up due to lack of sex thus far and don't want to put energy into the chase. Good things come to those who wait. Often it is true. Taking your time to really get to know someone can lead to a higher level of emotional intimacy.


I've been separated 1 1/2 years. I'm definitely ready for a new relationship. Maybe there is still hope...I don't know. I made it clear to her though that I would be willing to take it slow. I just didn't want to keep bothering her. I am so confused.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

People who say they're separated when dating is a huge red flag.

Quite often that means they're married, with no intention of divorcing any time soon, sometimes they're still living with, and sleeping with their spouse and just looking for some action. 

If she knows you're separated, for 1.5 yrs, with no divorce action pending, that might be enough to scare her off. If not her, it's going to be an issue with other women, that much is certain.


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## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

She doesn't even know I'm not legally divorced yet, so that's not an issue.

The only reason it's taken so long is because my ex's cheap ass lawyer hasn't made it a priority.

This is exactly what I texted her and I need some advice on how to follow up with this or if I should let it go. 

I know I probably could of responded better but it's already done.

"Thanks for dinner tonight. I think you're a very special woman and you already know how I feel about you, but I'm going to give you space now.

If you are wanting to take it slow I understand. I'd love to see you again but I don't want to pressure you, so I'm going to put the ball in your court. You know where to find me"


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Uh, why isn't YOUR attorney making it a priority? 

Why doesn't she know your marital status? Isn't that something discussed early on? Like date #1?

I would think a man who isn't divorced yet either has property division issues that require court to resolve (or some long drawn-out process) or else it's not important to him to cut that tie.

How about communicate with this woman? You're running on assumptions. You're assuming she's not that into you. You're assuming she's defective, paranoid, scared, scarred, etc. because she's 33 and hasn't had a serious relationship. You're assuming she'll reach out to YOU after it seems you've sort of rejected her and/or appeared frustrated. You're assuming because she's career oriented that she's driven enough or confident enough to initiate contact - many women still aren't comfortable even after you've given the go-ahead.

Now SHE is likely assuming you aren't that interested, or you aren't willing to go slow enough for her preference.

I hope she reaches out since it sounds like it could be a good thing. But if there's a next time, how about have a nice long heart-to-heart. Ask WHY there hasn't been anyone special or if she's jaded or afraid of love and why... by now it's OK to delve a little into the past. She could be a victim of CSA who is uber cautious when it comes to men and relationships. 

Less questions in your head, more questions out loud to the person who can actually answer them.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Holland said:


> The quicker someone the replies to a text, the more interested. If they take days then it is a no go (very generalised).
> 
> As for the exclusive thing, well IMHO that is a talk for after you have had sex, not before.


:iagree:


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Holland said:


> As for the exclusive thing, well IMHO that is a talk for after you have had sex, not before.


It's been my experience that quality women who are relationship material don't have sex until they are in an exclusive committed relationship.

Holland (and southernwife) how has that been working out for you? You see a guy a few times, you have sex and then say "we should be exclusive since we've f%$##ed"?

How fast do they run away?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Brokenman85 said:


> She doesn't even know I'm not legally divorced yet, so that's not an issue.


I don't mean to offend here, but that's a huge red flag. About you, not her. 

If I found out that a guy I'd been seeing for a while wasn't legally divorced yet, it would likely be an instant deal breaker for me. "By the way, I'm still married," is going to be a show stopper for a lot of women. Especially if you haven't been upfront about it.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Rowan said:


> "By the way, I'm still married," is going to be a show stopper for a lot of women. Especially if you haven't been upfront about it.


I'm sure he knows that, which is why he didn't tell her. 

The dating world is a jungle. He's no different then the rest of them out there who lie about their age, their job, their criminal past, their drug addiction, or their marital status. 

The only difference is that he's here asking for our help.


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Dude.

Do yourself the biggest favor of your life and go and order a book called No More Mr. Nice Guy.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

Why is it so hard to be an open book? I don't have the conscience to hide sh!t. Maybe she can sense that you are like this. If so, good on her. Cause who wants to be with somone like that? Best be spilling the truth to her or risk her running off.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

I'm about the same length of time separated as OP, I am doing a bit of dating, but I am honest up front that I am still separated due to the asset division issues dragging on with the house.
I don't get much interest obviously, but I'm not going to be that guy that drops the "only separated" bomb after I've gotten involved with someone I think that's a d-bag move.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Brokenman85 said:


> I've been separated 1 1/2 years. I'm definitely ready for a new relationship. Maybe there is still hope...I don't know. I made it clear to her though that I would be willing to take it slow. I just didn't want to keep bothering her. I am so confused.


To most women this is like saying "I brought you a pie, but I only baked it for 20 minutes. You want a piece?"

You need to wrap up your past before you can truly be in the present.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I think the most important thing is being emotionally over the marriage, not necessarily that the paperwork is signed. So for me being separated isn't that big of a deal, but he should have been honest about that up front.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

firebelly1 said:


> I think the most important thing is being emotionally over the marriage, not necessarily that the paperwork is signed. So for me being separated isn't that big of a deal, but he should have been honest about that up front.


I have dated a few men who were separated - from separated 6 months to 3 years. In ALL instances, they have NOT moved on and that's why they drag their feet. It's not that they love her or want her back but in the 3-year guy, he just wasn't ready to move FORWARD - he was happy with the status quo. I didn't want to marry him any time soon but I did need to know he was completely eligible so I broke it off. He finalized it shortly after so I guess it made an impression on him that he needed to close that chapter before he could open another.

So it's ALWAYS been a big deal and when I break the rule of not dating someone who is just separated it always ends. And the other times I was a rebound.


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