# Ache...



## RockHopper (Mar 21, 2014)

I don't even know where to start. The whole story? No, I don't have the time to cry for that long. I've been reading on here for a couple weeks now, and I'm still confused by a lot of the terminology/acronyms. Is there a glossary here somewhere? I am specifically looking for this "180" list. 

3 months separated. 7 1/2 years together. (ran away across country, and moved in together after knowing each other only 3 weeks) Married for 6 years. (anniversary in 2 weeks) 20 month old daughter. Me? Confused, hurt, weak, self destructive, suicidal at times. As I read in another post..."still walking on glass and leaving bloody footprints". I'm doing a good job though. I was horrifically terrified of taking care of my daughter alone, but I'm not just taking care of the basics. I take her out, involve her in activities, feed her well, spend quality time with her, and avoid punching her mother in the face.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Where did your wife go?


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## RockHopper (Mar 21, 2014)

I guess that was ambiguous. She stayed in our house, and I moved out into a 200sq ft apartment. I have our daughter 4 nights of the week. She sleeps in a playpen, in the closet, 3 feet away from where I sleep on the floor. It makes for a.....closeness we've never had, that's for certain.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

RockHopper said:


> I don't even know where to start. The whole story? No, I don't have the time to cry for that long. I've been reading on here for a couple weeks now, and I'm still confused by a lot of the terminology/acronyms. Is there a glossary here somewhere? I am specifically looking for this "180" list.
> 
> 3 months separated. 7 1/2 years together. (ran away across country, and moved in together after knowing each other only 3 weeks) Married for 6 years. (anniversary in 2 weeks) 20 month old daughter. Me? Confused, hurt, weak, self destructive, suicidal at times. As I read in another post..."still walking on glass and leaving bloody footprints". I'm doing a good job though. I was horrifically terrified of taking care of my daughter alone, but I'm not just taking care of the basics. I take her out, involve her in activities, feed her well, spend quality time with her, and avoid punching her mother in the face.


Why were you the one to move out?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*We're going to need to hear a little more from you Rock. You've definitely come to the right place here at TAM. So before we can help you, you'll need to help us out with giving us the full story!*


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## RockHopper (Mar 21, 2014)

It was all very sudden...for me at least. Some small problems in our relationship, but nothing out of the "norm". I suddenly realized she was lying to me, and hiding things. Still don't know if she was having an affair or not. We started counseling, and 2 weeks later, she told me she was "done". I couldn't believe it was happening. After a couple weeks of us being separated in the house, (through christmas) she told me that if I didn't go, she would. She has always been the main caregiver for our daughter, because she only works part time. I didn't, and honestly still don't want her to struggle to make it.....so I let her have the house (rental) and moved out. I've been hoping from the beginning that this would all turn out to be just temporary, but she's truly finished as far as I can tell. I also didn't realize that she would suddenly thrust our daughter at me to take care of for so much of the time. Now it's as close to an even time share as it'll probably ever turn out to be. If I'd known that was going to happen, I WOULD have insisted that she be the one to leave. Not that I regret having Hazel, but it is tough in this tiny space.


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## RockHopper (Mar 21, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *We're going to need to hear a little more from you Rock. You've definitely come to the right place here at TAM. So before we can help you, you'll need to help us out with giving us the full story!*


I'll try to do that later tonight, after Hazy goes to bed. Thank you for the warm welcome....


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. All those feelings you mentioned you have had I've had as well (well but not the suicidal one although I did wish I was dead so I would not feel the pain). It really sucks to be on this side of the fence. I can totally relate to you. My H is the one that has left me with now a 7.5 month old. It is extremely difficult to take care of a child without the help and support of your spouse. I totally understand how you feel.

I really don't have any advice to give you but I just wanted to know that you are in my prayers. Hang in there. It does get a little easier as time passes. Don't get me wrong, it is still very very hard each and every day but it DOES get better as time goes by. And always have hope and faith. I always do. My H was very unreceptive towards me right after he left. And now, 2 months later, he is much more receptive towards me and working on the marriage. We are going to go to MC in a few weeks. We spent a wonderful and beautiful day at the zoo over this past weekend with our baby girl and I felt a lot of hope. 

So please hang in there. Things can really change from one week to the next. But I would suggest to do the NC (no contact) and don't beg/plead/cry for her to come back to you. It is very hard not to but at least try. It seemed to have some positive results for me. 

Good luck ok....


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

RockHopper said:


> It was all very sudden...for me at least. Some small problems in our relationship, but nothing out of the "norm". I suddenly realized she was lying to me, and hiding things. Still don't know if she was having an affair or not. We started counseling, and 2 weeks later, she told me she was "done". I couldn't believe it was happening. After a couple weeks of us being separated in the house, (through christmas) she told me that if I didn't go, she would. She has always been the main caregiver for our daughter, because she only works part time. I didn't, and honestly still don't want her to struggle to make it.....so I let her have the house (rental) and moved out. I've been hoping from the beginning that this would all turn out to be just temporary, but she's truly finished as far as I can tell. I also didn't realize that she would suddenly thrust our daughter at me to take care of for so much of the time. Now it's as close to an even time share as it'll probably ever turn out to be. If I'd known that was going to happen, I WOULD have insisted that she be the one to leave. Not that I regret having Hazel, but it is tough in this tiny space.


Move back in as soon as possible.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Move back in as soon as possible.


Why do you say that?




Rock, sorry you are going through this. You sound like a good guy and a great father.  How old is your wife? You? With a courtship like you described, she may be prone to impulsive decisions and not have constancy as part of her make up. 

The only thing I can recommend is focus on your daughter and your health. One day at a time. I would also recommend the 180.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

The reason to stay in the home is that it is, rental or not, considered the marital residence and primary residence of the child until a court says different. 

Whatever you do now creates a status quo. When going before a judge for custody, this will have a significant impact the majority of the time.

The OP posts he has his daughter 4 nights a week. Is that 4 overnights?


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

PS - Since there's no court order of custody/parenting time, I would suggest great levels of documentation of parenting time. 

You will need to be able to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that you actually had and cared for the child during those times. 

Prove that it was meaningful care.

You better know the doctor(s), teacher(s) and other significant people in your daughter's life. They better know you also. Nothing like all them lining up in court to testify that they never met you.


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## RockHopper (Mar 21, 2014)

The full story?

Chapter One...

There was a first wife, back when I was a stupid kid, fresh out of the service. She had a 2 month old when we met, and we had 2 more. She was emotionally and physically abusive. She had affairs on a regular basis. It was 4 years of pure hell. I finally realized that I was never going to be the Dad I needed to be if I didn't change the situation drastically. I thought that if I could get her away from her family, (major abusive history) that she would be able to figure things out, and maybe get some help. I took a job across the country, and tried to get her to go. She refused. I left hoping that without me there, she would be forced to follow. 3 months later...I got a divorce decree in the mail. Child support set, no rights to the children. As soon as I got the decree, I was on the first flight back home...but they were long gone by the time I got there. I found her 2 months later, re-married and living 4 states away. That pattern continued for the next 12 years.
She's been living off one man or another, Re-married 6 times since me, and I currently have no idea where she and my 14 yr old son are. My 16 yr old daughter is in a foster program, and I've been fighting for contact with her for the last 4 years to no avail, but I haven't given up hope yet.
The point is...I lost my kids. Aside from sporadic periods of phone contact, I haven't seen either one of them in over 10 years. I swore to myself that I would never marry again, and certainly never have another child......


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