# 2 weeks into Separation, now wife wants no contact



## dadof2 (May 9, 2014)

** LENGTHY FIRST POST**

My wife and I have been married almost 5 years, we have 2 children ages 3 & 2. Things have been ok lately, not great but I figured we are just dealing with the daily grind of raising 2 kids and both working. We haven't had a lot of alone time with each other lately, but we both are to blame for that. Our sex life has been okay, but almost always initiated by me. About a month ago it came to light that she had been texting and seeing a coworker after hours. She is a school teacher and this guy is the PE coach who was running a workout group of 5-6 ladies after school. Once caught, she admitted that they had kissed once.

She was very apologetic for about 2 days, and then began blaming me for pushing her to this point. She started telling me things that I do that bother her that I had no clue about. She says I am too controlling and that I am threatened by her independence. (She just went back to work this year.) I began apologizing and telling her that I want to work on things and we agreed to see a marriage counselor. She also agreed to stop contacting the other man, and based on a later check of her deleted messages, she had not been contacting him, other than seeing him at work. She had stopped working out in the afternoons with the group also.

A week later we were supposed to take a vacation together but she said that things were bad and didn't feel like she would enjoy a vacation, and I understood. We sent the kids to her mom's for the weekend and decided to stay home together and maybe go on a couple dates and work on us. The first night without kids she says that the girls from work want to have a girls night out. I reluctantly agreed and asked her just to be honest with me about where they were going and when they would be back. Her friend came and picked her up, and I decided to follow them. I was not comfortable doing it, but I felt like I had to be able to trust her.

They wound up going to a different place than where they said they would go, and the other man's truck was also there. There was a group of about 10 people from her work there. I waited in the parking lot for 2 hours to see what would happen when she left. She eventually came outside and was obviously very drunk. Her friends were helping her stand up. I drove over and asked her to get in the car. I then went inside and confronted the man and told him that he wasn't going to ruin my marriage. The whole way home my wife said I was crazy and I stalked her and that nothing was going on between the 2 of them. She said I don't love her and that she is scared of me. I realize that they weren't there together and nothing was going on that night, but my wife was dishonest about where they were going and that the man wouldn't be there.

She stayed at a friend's house that night and the next day told me she wanted a trial separation. She said she needed some space away from me and that we were not friends anymore. She said that we needed some time apart and we could eventually start doing family nights with the kids and then she and I could go on dates together and start trying to reconnect. She told my parents and hers that this was only temporary, and even joked that she would be able to get a lot more help moving when she was ready to come back. We agreed on the ground rules of the separation, including finances, seeing others, and contacting each other. We agreed on no excessive spending, not seeing other people, and feel free to contact anytime, especially about the children. I helped her find and apartment, helped her move in, and we agreed to share the kids 50/50. She cleaned out every stitch of clothes she has and everything out of her bathroom.

While she was in the process of moving, she changed all of her passwords, removed all pictures of us together from her Facebook, and opened her own separate bank account. She kept her same phone for the time being. 

The first week went as well as could be expected. We texted every few days, and she actually initiated the texts on the nights when I had the kids. I was very careful not to send any sappy texts or be overly apologetic. Then the first weekend she had the kids she went to her parents house 50 miles away and got a new phone number. She also made a significant withdrawal from our savings and put it in her new account. I called her to see what was going on, and she said that the phone was to keep me from going through her bill to see who she had been calling. She said the money withdrawal was a safety net in case she had an emergency and didn't want to have to "ask" me for money.

That's when I got upset with her for the first time in this whole process. I accused her of taking the savings to pay for a lawyer, which she denied. I also got upset about the new phone number saying that it seems like she is hiding something. I admitted to her that I tried to look up her bill online but was unsuccessful. She said that is precisely why she changed numbers because she didn't want me harassing people that she was calling. She said she is just trying to fully separate from me so she can find out what she wants. She then said she was scared of me and that I couldn't keep us together by threatening her. She said not to call or text anymore and that she did not want to keep going to marriage counseling. She is a teacher and said that she wants to concentrate on finishing the school year then she will start thinking about our marriage.

I have tried being the nice guy, and things seemed to be okay the first week of the separation. Then she changes her phone number,moves money out of savings, says not to call her and quits marriage counseling. I am just trying to make sense of everything. I tried talking to her mom about it, but she says that she has to take care of her daughter right now. She told me to go to counseling and work on my problems. I told her I want our marriage to work out and she said, "Just work on yourself right now." Her parents had been on my "side" when she first wanted separation, but now they seem to be supporting her and not talking to me at all. 

Everything I have read and everyone I have talked to pretty much says that she has made up her mind that its over. I am in limbo right now between trying to make it work and trying to cope with the lost marriage. She has begun working out after school with the group again, but I have no evidence of her and the other man being alone at anytime. I am having a hard time trusting her, and tonight (Friday) is the first weekend that she doesn't have the kids and I am scared to death of what she will be doing. I want to know so bad if she is going out and if the other man will be there.

I have backed off and not contacted her all this week. Our last contact was Sunday, almost a week ago. I sent her a text on Thursday about the kids school and got no response. Obviously I can't do anything else right now. I just wish I knew what her mindset was so I could either move on or keep trying to make it work. I am going to counseling on my own right now. Is there any advice out there on how to deal with my emotions and try to keep my head clear? I am trying to stay busy but I have no motivation at work and am reluctant to do anything socially right now. My whole life was my wife and kids, and now that has been turned upside down.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

You won't be able to make it work if OM is still in the picture. She has to go NC with him.

If she is unwilling to do that, there is no way to save your marriage.


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## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

NO MORE MR. NICE GUY!

Give her what she wants. Easier said than done, I know, I was you 6 months ago after 22 years of marriage.

You and your children are and should be your priority. Don't beg...cry if you need to, just don't let her see. 

Remove her from your credit cards and remove your name from hers. You need to go to self preservation mode.

If reconciliation is your goal, these are the steps you need to follow regardless.

I'm sorry you're here. It sucks. You'll find people who understand on this board.

Keep your chin up.


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## dadof2 (May 9, 2014)

<<You won't be able to make it work if OM is still in the picture. She has to go NC with him.

If she is unwilling to do that, there is no way to save your marriage>>

That's how I feel as well. But they work together and she said she's not going to give up a good job. Which to me shows exactly where her priorities lie.

They will be off for the summer soon, so the day to day contact will stop, but I am sure they are calling/texting as well.

I have only a flicker of hope that she is being honest with me and she will start to reflect on the marriage. At our last MC session she said she felt "liberated" now that she is on her own. It is only natural to feel that way currently, but hopefully the newness of being alone will wear off and she may realize what she is giving up. This emotional rollercoaster is taking its toll on me.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Find out if the om is married or has a gf.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Let her go. Ask her to pack up and leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

dadof2 said:


> <<You won't be able to make it work if OM is still in the picture. She has to go NC with him.
> 
> If she is unwilling to do that, there is no way to save your marriage>>
> 
> ...


Yes, she is choosing him over you and the marriage. If she was truly remorseful she would be doing anything and everything to salvage the marriage b/c she would have realized she made a horrible choice and be trying to help you heal. Her behavior reeks of entitlement and honestly - if she doesn't want to take any responsibility for what she has done and try to make it right, there is nothing you can do to "nice" her into working on the marriage. 

You may want to move this over to Coping with Infidelity section if you want more advice about how to properly "R". But I can tell you right now, I was in a 5yr fales R and I see similar behavior between her and my ex at the beginning stages. 

These 2 are the biggest in order to help rebuild your trust:
NC with OM
Transparency with all electronic communication (phone, laptop, tablet, kindle, etc etc etc)

There is alot that is required for successful R. But is your wife even willing to try by doing those first 2?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Every separation seems to be the same, one is liberated, ones waits. Any rules set into place at a separation are almost always thrown out the window immediately. She has made you the monster in her head because she needs to justify her actions. She is probably telling friends and family how horrible you have been to her gaining sympathy and demonizing you and it happens all to often. 

As much as you don’t want to, force yourself to take the outlook that she isn’t coming back because she probably wont. Turn your trial separation into a legal separation and get the ball rolling legally. 

If she is seeing the OM being off for the summer just means they will have more time to spend together not less.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If you do get back together with her, make sure she gets an STD test... I'd put my money on her "spreading her wings" while she's carefree and single. And yeah, she may decide to try you again, but I'd question her motives. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

This should be in the coping with infidelity forum.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Go see a lawyer and file for divorce. Filing will protect you finacially if she and the OM decide to run up a bunch of debt. Do this Monday, as soon as possible. 

Separate your finances. Have your pay funnelled to a new checking account that she cannot access. Do not finance her cheating. Do this toda 

Ask her to move out. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME!!!! She cheats, she leaves. 

Go see a doctor and tell him what is going on. If you need to take a mild SSRI like Zoloft to help minimize the "roller coaster" of emotions you are going through then do so. I did and it helps alot. 

Expose her affair to everyone. He family, yours, all your friends, your church family if you have one....

Post the OM on Cheaterville. 

Eat right. No junk food. Take care of yourself. work out daily. Start living your life without her.. Go out and hang with friends. Dont mope around the house. 

Be the best dad you can be. Tell your kids the truth if they ask you why mom left. 

Do the 180. Here it is. The 180 will allow you to begin to emotionally detach from her and protect yourself emotionally. 


*1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.*

Print this 180 list and tape it to your bathroom mirror. Memorize it and live it every day. It works.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

File and serve her at work.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Lots of good advice here. Let me ask you this: ARE you generally controlling? Think before om came into the picture.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

She is dating. File for D and work on yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dadof2 (May 9, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Lots of good advice here. Let me ask you this: ARE you generally controlling? Think before om came into the picture.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If I look at myself honestly, I have to say yes that I can be controlling. But she has never complained about it and I took it to mean that I was happy taking card of things in the marriage that she didn't care about. After discovering that her and OM kissed, we were together for about a week and we were talking about things and she was finally letting me know what I had been doing that bothered her so much. But then I followed her to the bar when she was dishonest and it has been downhill since then.

I definitely think she is getting advice from friends at work about the divorce. She was off of work a week for spring break and we were communicating. Then she goes back to work and the next weekend she wants no contact
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

dadof2, 

Your story is the same as so many others. I don't say that to be rude, but only to let you know you aren't alone here on TAM. 
I'd recommend you be prepared for your wife to throw away the marriage and family life. She's got a taste of whatever it is she is having, and going back to you must not be looking so good. You're not part of her new circle - you know the real gal....not the one she is re-inventing herself to be. 

I can't stress enough how much you need to detach from her right now. My sense is that you are chasing her. You need to let her go. This will appear counter-intuitive. Believe me, I understand this. I was where you are now awhile back. You've been given great advice by bandit about the 180. This is a very powerful force field for you. Doing these things, or a slightly modified version of the steps will work wonders for your esteem as you begin your re-focus on you and getting yourself set up for whatever is coming. 

Don't be her cuckold beta schlub at home. Get a life, dude. Take those kids out and do things with them. If you're not fit, now is the time to get there (getting fit is what saved my esteem). Let her have the PE coach. He's a doosh for chasing after a married chick. They are both boundary-less. Remember it's not PE coach's fault. It's wifey's fault. She's the one allowing herself to get involved in this drama. She owns her shyte. You own yours. Remember also that you were partially responsible for parts of the marital breakdown or it becoming stale. You aren't responsible for her stepping out, but you need to fix yourself too. 

Keep reading the posts here. Read others' stories too. Read coping with infidelity section. You'll see your situation is one of thousands going through the same thing right now. 

time to take the red pill, Neo. Face what you need to face now. 

Here to support.

HL


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Kissed often means intercourse. When women have other man's semen in them, they get a drug like charge from the ingredients. Machiavelli, a veteran poster can explain the biochemistry. It means that wife is in love. Put POSOM on Cheaterville but not your wife. He will beg her to beg you to take it down. This will make him appear less masculine. You will also shock her with D filing. This may take the fun out of her romance. You will appear indifferent to her. This your best chance of breaking the spell she is under. It may take months for her to awaken
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Counterfit (Feb 2, 2014)

dadof2 said:


> If I look at myself honestly, I have to say yes that I can be controlling. But she has never complained about it and I took it to mean that I was happy taking card of things in the marriage that she didn't care about. After discovering that her and OM kissed, we were together for about a week and we were talking about things and she was finally letting me know what I had been doing that bothered her so much. But then I followed her to the bar when she was dishonest and it has been downhill since then.
> 
> I definitely think she is getting advice from friends at work about the divorce. She was off of work a week for spring break and we were communicating. Then she goes back to work and the next weekend she wants no contact
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


WAKE UP.......Read the post from Bandit 45.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

*You have absolutely NO CONTROL over your wife
You only have complete control over YOU!*


Even though you are hurt, FORCE yourself to take actions to get stronger. The link below is a good summary regarding finding strength for you. You desperately need strength right now so force yourself to stop all your thoughts about your wife. I know it is hard but what good will it do? In fact a better question is what harm is it now doing?

40 Lessons for Finding Strength in Hard Times


I am not saying that this is your fault because fault right now is not the most important. *The most important is for you to get stronger so that you can be oK with or without her.*

*Read Bandit's post regarding the 180 then DO IT!!!*


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## dadof2 (May 9, 2014)

Mr Blunt said:


> *You have absolutely NO CONTROL over your wife
> You only have complete control over YOU!*
> 
> 
> ...



I am considering hiring a private investigator just so I can see what she's up to. I don't want to waste all of my time and effort into trying to be "what she wants me to be" if she isn't even interested anymore. If she is already got an OM, then I would rather know now and officially end it than hold out false hope. 

Is this a good way of thinking?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dadof2 (May 9, 2014)

Mr Blunt said:


> *You have absolutely NO CONTROL over your wife
> You only have complete control over YOU!*
> 
> 
> ...



I am considering hiring a private investigator just so I can see what she's up to. I don't want to waste all of my time and effort into trying to be "what she wants me to be" if she isn't even interested anymore. If she is already got an OM, then I would rather know now and officially end it than hold out false hope. 

Is this a good way of thinking?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dadof2 (May 9, 2014)

This past weekend was my weekend with the kids. Usually we swap around 3 pm on Sunday afternoons. Last week when we were still communicating, she texted me if she could get the kids on Saturday night so she could have all day Sunday with them. I told her that was fine and we could work something out. Well fast-forward to this week, she has not communicated with me in over a week. Saturday rolls around and I am wondering when she will text to see about getting the kids. She never does. I wake up Sunday and text her happy mother's day, just let me know when you want to get the kids, its your special day to have them. No response. A few hours later her mom texts me and says she is in town and will come get the kids. Her mom comes and there is not much conversation. I tell her our daughter is getting sick, if wife wants to make a Dr. appointment that is fine with me. A few hours later her mom texts me back saying to please make a Dr. appt. 

I don't understand why my wife can't even text me. Is she just totally shutting me out so she won't feel any guilt about a divorce? It seems like she gave up half of her mother's day with the kids just so she didn't have to meet me to pick them up. Has she made me into a monster so she feels justified in what she is doing? I don't understand. 

I have respected her wish for space, I haven't made any contact this week at all. She has never said the D word, but I assume that is why she is detaching herself from me and the marriage. When her mom came to get the kids yesterday she told me that wife was very anxious and nervous when I was texting her about picking up kids. This is totally baffling to me.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

B/c she is cheating and wants to keep you away as much as possible so you don't find out.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Maybe she was with OM on Saturday and did not want to be interrupted?

Your wife is not showing any remorse or regret. You can only answer in kind.

If your wife is having sex with another man, meeting you might be uncomfortable. It is nice that she is embarrassed. Some cheaters might not be at all.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Go see a lawyer this week. Take charge of this ! Quit waiting around for your cheater wife to do something. Show some initiative and get yourself moving forwards. Quit worrying about her, quit texting her and quit trying to contact her. 

Have paid attention to anything people have been telling you here?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your wife is making you out to be an abuser, a danger, a bad guy. This is so everyone will feel sorry for her an be OK with her new boy friend.

Don't hand your kids to her mother. Her mother has no legal standing with respect to the kids.

See a lawyer yesterday.

Take 1/2 of all your money (plus the amount she took) and put it in an account with only your name on it. Cancel all your joint credit cards and open new ones in your name. Try to arrange things so that you have your kids for more than half the time.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

She is doing this for a couple of reasons, first to make you the monster, second so you don’t follow or keep tabs on her. Her own guilt over what she is doing is probably fueling her own paranoia for fear of your reaction when you find out the truth. 

Im living this nightmare and have for 14 months. It started with the anxious and nervous things like that which spirals to fear which leads to crazier stories. She will fuel her own guilt more and more. Don’t hire an investigator, if she finds out all it will do is further fuel your obsessed and cant let go stories or however she will spin it. You already know whats going on you just cant bring yourself to admit it. 

You need to file for divorce, get a lawyer and protect yourself. She is going to file out of the blue one day and she is probably right now just waiting for the day you do something to “threaten” her in her mind so she has the final excuse to do so. Your getting set up and your best bet is to file and take the offensive. Your holding onto false hope as she has given you none. Her not filing isn’t hope, she is just having too much fun to bother right now.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

dadof2 said:


> I am considering hiring a private investigator just so I can see what she's up to. I don't want to waste all of my time and effort into trying to be "what she wants me to be" if she isn't even interested anymore. If she is already got an OM, then I would rather know now and officially end it than hold out false hope.
> 
> Is this a good way of thinking?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You know in your gut she is cheating on you. What will the PI find out that you don't already suspect?

No, take that money and spend it on a retainer for the meanest, nastiest, most bloodthirsty divorce lawyer in your area. File for divorce and have her served at work. Expose her to everyone in her family and yours. Tell them what she has been up to. If the other man has a wife, make sure you find her and tell her.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

*Re: Re: 2 weeks into Separation, now wife wants no contact*



bandit.45 said:


> You know in your gut she is cheating on you. What will the PI find out that you don't already suspect?
> 
> No, take that money and spend it on a retainer for the meanest, nastiest, most bloodthirsty divorce lawyer in your area. File for divorce and have her served at work. Expose her to everyone in her family and yours. Tell them what she has been up to. If the other man has a wife, make sure you find her and tell her.


This. 

Please listen to the advice on this thread. These men know what they are talking about.


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## dadof2 (May 9, 2014)

Update:

Yesterday (Monday) I sent a text to my wife concerning our son's school. She did not answer and 10 mins later her mom texted me her answer. It's getting pretty ridiculous.

Today her dad texts me saying wife asked him to text me about changing daycare schedule for kids. I finally say enough is enough and I call and talk to her dad. He tells me he doesn't understand why she won't text me but they are just doing what she asked. She told her dad that it was all part of her being separated from me, she doesn't want to have any contact. I expressed to him that I have bent over backwards but I feel that my wife is dictating the terms and that it is ridiculous to think we can go through this separation having 2 kids without any communication. I tell him I will agree to change the daycare schedule if wife will agree to communicate with me on matters regarding the kids- nothing personal between us.

My wife texted me a few mins ago apologizing for going through her parents, she said she thought that was the best way for us to contact. She said she would be fine letting me know about any issues that come up with the children as far as daycare, doctors, etc. I told her I understand and that I will help re arrange the daycare schedule.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Did you tell her parents there is another man involved with your wife?


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## dadof2 (May 9, 2014)

They are aware that she cheated on me and that they work together. Her dad says he doesn't think anything is going on, but I told him that of course wife wouldn't tell her parents anything.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

dadof2 said:


> I don't want to waste all of my time and effort into trying to be "what she wants me to be" if she isn't even interested anymore.
> 
> Is this a good way of thinking?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your thinking like this is flawed. 

Again, you still believe that if you change to suit her, she will be all in again. Her actions are about her - not you. You still don't believe this. You've taken responsilbity for her actions and accepted blame. Perfect for her, she will happily let you carry that burden. You're giving her all of the control and decision making. 

What I see next is a "controlled separation" where she has all the space in the world to decide what she wants to do and "find herself." You'll wait on the sidelines until she decides. Do you want to live like this? Think hard about this. If you think it won't happen to you, please read the thousands of other posts just like yours. 

My final suggestion to you is this: Analyze what is best for you and what changes you need to make for YOU. Execute that plan for YOU. People are telling you that she is going to do what she wants to do regardless of your input.


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## dadof2 (May 9, 2014)

<<<<Again, you still believe that if you change to suit her, she will be all in again. Her actions are about her - not you. You still don't believe this. You've taken responsilbity for her actions and accepted blame. Perfect for her, she will happily let you carry that burden. You're giving her all of the control and decision making. 

What I see next is a "controlled separation" where she has all the space in the world to decide what she wants to do and "find herself." You'll wait on the sidelines until she decides. Do you want to live like this? Think hard about this. If you think it won't happen to you, please read the thousands of other posts just like yours. 

My final suggestion to you is this: Analyze what is best for you and what changes you need to make for YOU. Execute that plan for YOU. People are telling you that she is going to do what she wants to do regardless of your input.>>>>



I understand and agree with everything you wrote, but where I am currently I can't stop thinking about her and our future. I am going to IC and have gotten on anti-depressant medication. I know in my head that there is little chance of her coming back, but I can't stop thinking about her and our relationship and what I can do to get her back. I realize that since we are separated and barely communicating, that she won't see anything I'm doing anyway.

I understand the concept of the 180, and I know everyone is telling me to let go and start detaching. But I don't know how to do that right now. I am trying to stay busy, but I have no motivation at work and little desire to do anything socially. For the last 5-6 years, I have made my whole life about my marriage and kids, and now that has been totally turned upside down. I know there is little hope of a reconciliation, but how do I convince myself that its over and start to move on? It is easier when I have the kids, but when I don't have them is when I find myself at my lowest points.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

dadof2 said:


> If I look at myself honestly, I have to say yes that I can be controlling. But she has never complained about it and I took it to mean that I was happy taking card of things in the marriage that she didn't care about. After discovering that her and OM kissed, we were together for about a week and we were talking about things and she was finally letting me know what I had been doing that bothered her so much. But then I followed her to the bar when she was dishonest and it has been downhill since then.
> 
> I definitely think she is getting advice from friends at work about the divorce. She was off of work a week for spring break and we were communicating. Then she goes back to work and the next weekend she wants no contact
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


People confuse boundaries with controlling all the time. For example, refusing to be married to someone who wants to go out drinking/clubing without their spouse is setting a rational boundary and is in no way controlling. Controling is cheater talk for not being able to cross common sense boundaries.

How were you controling?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If her parents continue to text you on her behalf, then ignore the message. 

You have children with her and in order for the two of you to discuss the kids it has to be between you and her, not her designated mouth piece.

IMO, take car of your children and yourself and don't waste any time or effort on her because she is in her own world and those kinds of worlds have a habit of falling apart in due time. 

Then when they come back to reality they find out that what they had is now lost.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What you need to tell her parents is that she is having an affair with the asst principal and that information is about to sweep through town like hurricane Katrina. Let them all mull over that on their vacation.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You don't need PI proof. Kissing = fornication

Put POSOM on Cheaterville. Don't talk to your wife except about your children.


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