# Apology Required



## toomuchlove87 (Jan 10, 2012)

Hello, 

I basically want to know if I am just a ***** or if all men require this type of thing. 

Okay, I work about four hours from my house, I drive down once and stay for two to three weeks then drive back home. While I am working my husband is at home taking care of our animals and the house. 

Recently, I was here working and he was at home and he calls me on the phone to tell me my horse Lizzie had gotten a snake bite. I asked him to send me a picture. He sends me a picture and it doesn't look anything like a rattler bite. The horses head wasn't insanely swollen and I've had horses since I was a little girl btw, he grew up in Texas and has very little horse experience. So I am on the phone with him and I say "Honey, that doesn't look like a snake bite" my mom is there and she agrees. 

He gets mad or upset because after we get off the phone a few minutes later hes texting me about how I think he's incompetent. I never said that. So he calls a forest ranger guy who helped us with our last colt. The guy tells my husband, and he tells me it is in fact a snake bite. I am in disbelief because it just doesn't look like one at all. I say, Ok and ask what the forest guy is going to do. My husband tells me and we hang up. Now a day later after I have asked a couple of times for head shots of the horse so I could see the swelling I get a bunch of rubbish about how he's not going to indulge my request, because of my mother and I, and because he didn't get an apology or anything when he was proven right. 

Am I wrong or is that insanely prideful? To need an apology everytime you're right about something?? I didn't give him a hard time or anything, now when he gives me a hard time about something and I know I'm right I want an apology, especially if he's been just a straight up jerk. But he's not apologizing to me because I was right, its because of how he treated me. 

Am I in the wrong?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are the two of you?


----------



## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

The saying goes: its not what you say, but how you say it... you must have sounded dismissive or condescending in your call is my guess.

For that, yes, I would apologize.


----------



## toomuchlove87 (Jan 10, 2012)

He is 32 and I am 27


----------



## Icey181 (Apr 16, 2015)

It sounds like your husband took your talk as you being dismissive/condescending of his call and his ability to handle it. And your mom backed you up, to add in that extra feeling of being ganged up on too.

And he was correct in the end.

But you still seem to be questioning him (why do you need head shots of the horse? Sounds to me like you are either still questioning him and/or implying he cannot handle the situation without you and your input).

I would basically just tell him 
1) sorry if I sounded condescending, thought you were wrong, clearly I was.
2) Good job on catching the bite and getting it dealt with.

What else needs to be said?


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Don't stoop to his level. Don't ask for an apology even when your right. Be mature. He sounds childish. "I'm not going to send you pictures until you apologize." stomp, stomp. Talk about unattractive.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

What is the point of you getting headshots, you already know your horse has been bitten by a snake, so what are you doing about it? Are you planning to take leave from work to deal with this or are you delegating it to your H to get the vet there and treated properly? Do you plan on micromanaging from afar or do you trust your H to deal with his situation effectively?


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Are people actually reading her questions?


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You work four hours away from home but stay away for two to three weeks at a time?

That's your problem.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Yeah, I think that being away for long periods of time is just going to erode trust. If you're going to leave him in charge of things at home, you have to trust that he will handle it and sit on your hands.

Also, leave your mom out of things. It'll only make it worse.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

soccermom2three said:


> Are people actually reading her questions?


yes I read them, and she is in the wrong for not acknowledging that he is in a stressful situation and the way she treated him on the phone was disrespectful and demonstrated lack of trust in him to do what she asked of him to take on her responsibilities in her absence at home. It's not about pride and she doesnt need to apologize for her being wrong about the facts, his refusal to send photos was a form of communication from him to say if she is going to put responsibilities on him then she has to let him deal with it. He told her about the bite not to ask her what to do about it but so that she could decide if she wanted to come home and deal with it herself or continue to let him deal with it, and whether or not the head was swollen doesn't change any facts so him taking photos of it would be indulging in her micromanagement of him, which he clearly is not willing to be subject to.


----------



## Icey181 (Apr 16, 2015)

soccermom2three said:


> Don't stoop to his level. Don't ask for an apology even when your right. Be mature. He sounds childish. "I'm not going to send you pictures until you apologize." stomp, stomp. Talk about unattractive.


About as attractive as a wife who is condescending and dismissive of your abilities to handle something, uses her mom as back-up, and despite being _dead wrong_, still wants to micromanage the situation as though it was _his_ inability to handle it that was the problem?

Just how attractive is nagging, being wrong, doubling down, and refusing to acknowledge you were wrong?


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

We have no idea if she was condescending or dismissive. We don't need to add stuff that's not there.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

soccermom2three said:


> We have no idea if she was condescending or dismissive. We don't need to add stuff that's not there.


That's why I asked the question about why she needed whatever information that would be seen in a photo of the horse's head, and what she planned to do with that information. Where I was going with that was to the most important part, being about actually communicating this with her H instead of just demanding this or that from him. It's supposed to be a partnership not a chain of command, he is not her feet on the ground at some remote sight, he's the one in charge of the homestead.


----------



## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I think it was probably her and her mom pretty much telling him that he doesn't know what he's talking about. He goes and finds a professional to confirm that he was right and the OP did not apologize to him for telling him he was wrong, or getting her mother to tell him he was wrong. 

A simple, "Oh wow...I was way off! I'm sorry" would have sufficed. 

It's rare that I'm wrong when my H and I are having our chit chats about stuff, but when I am wrong, I am the first one to apologize and admit it. 

The bigger issues (and I'm not talking about your horse) are that you work away from home weeks at at time and your mother is being used as a brick wall back up for you. Get your mother out of your marriage, and try to find a way to be home more. How can you sustain a marriage if you're never there?


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

staarz21 said:


> ...How can you sustain a marriage if you're never there?


Through the phone and with photos... like Joaquin Phoenix in _Her_. Of course that wasn't exactly sustainable though.


----------



## Love Pandy (Jul 20, 2015)

Oh brother! Just apologize and let him have this one. Heck he honestly didn't have to call and tell you anything.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Agree 

It isn't just that you were wrong it's that you told him he was wrong and he wasn't. I don't see how this is such a big deal....just say hey you were right on that one and I was wrong, great catch sorry about that.


----------



## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

He's the one on the homefront, keeping care of the animals. Hard enough to get everything done but then you get second guessed from a distance. My hunch is that he has resentments built up over this particular work / living arrangement.

Consider yourself lucky. This is a warning sign that something needs to change - how you treat him, how much time you spend with him, something. 

He's probably asking himself "what do I get out of this relationship?" And the answer he comes up with "I get a absent, second-guessing wife who doesn't trust me and uses her mother to gang up on me - even when I know that I'm right." 

You have bigger problems than a snake bit on a horse's neck. If you don't see them, you're either blind or you don't care all that much for your husband. And if I can see that from my little corner of the Internet, you may assume that it has captured your husband's notice as well.


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Apology is required imho


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Yes. Say you are sorry. What's the big deal. You being right with a dead horse.


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Also, reread MarriedTex post.


----------



## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

If I'm being honest, I think you're both being childish in your communication.

Here's how I hear it:
H: it's a snake bite!
W: no its not.
MIL: she's right, its not.
PRO: it's a snake bite.
W: Yeah well, you're still incompetent.
H: I am not! [tantrum]

If I were in a similar situation, I'd feel pretty emasculated, but I'd probably say something more along the lines of "I can manage the horse myself, honey. I sent the picture to inform you, not to ask you what to do. Unless you want to come home and deal with it, let me handle this."


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

There is probably some water under the bridge in this relationship and some work needs to be done.

Men can be fragile when comes to how they think their partner perceives them.
Sure it is insecurity, sure it is unattractive, but what is the outcome you want?

I think that respect to a man has the same atomic weight as that of attention/affection to a woman.

In both cases being demanding and attention or respect mongering is not a pretty sight.

He is barking up the wrong tree trying to solicit respect from you, he knows it too, its weak and condescending.

Do you care about his needs? If he loves you then you are the one person in the world who can crush him with your little finger or build him up as a person. (Btw I am not saying that he should be this vulnerable but it is often the case)

This can addresses, not by pandering to his weakness, but addressing this issue in your relationship, by compromise, and understanding with acceptance.

Just a thought.


----------



## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Wow. So people in relationships should only apologize if they are actually wrong? LOL, have I got it backwards!

I've apologized even if I felt I was ultimately in the right. My H's feelings and our relationship means more to me than 'right or wrong'. 

There's an old saying re: marriage. You can be right or you can be happy. I would suggest choosing happiness. Being right all the time gets ever so lonely.


----------



## toomuchlove87 (Jan 10, 2012)

I asked him nicely for head shots of her so I could see the swelling, my husband is not very experienced in Horses and I also wanted to assess the seriousness of it. I asked for the headshot before our "fight" started though. He sent me a close up of the bite and it didn't look like a snake bite so I said "Honey I don't think that's a snake bite..." and he said he had seen bites like that before in Texas with Rattlers. He had met me earlier the day before and said he hadn't seen the bite on her. 

The mare is mine and I work long weeks so I just wanted to have a reference photo to compare whether she was doing better a few days later. It had nothing to do with thinking my husband was wrong. 

He was fine to send me pictures until he sent me a text saying, "Well I guess since I am incompetent I am having a forest ranger come to look at her, then you'll be satisfied" I replied "I don't think you're incompetent and its great that youre having someone come look at her." 

After he told me it was a snake bite I said, "Ok. So what is he going to do?" it was then that the snippy comments started. I am allowed to disagree, and I did disagree... I just didn't think he needed an I'm sorry from me. That's all.


----------



## toomuchlove87 (Jan 10, 2012)

I am only gone long periods of time in the Summer. In the spring and winter I am only gone a week at a time and home a week.


----------



## toomuchlove87 (Jan 10, 2012)

For an update. I did apologize to him... not sure why but I did anyway...


----------



## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

toomuchlove87 said:


> For an update. I did apologize to him... not sure why but I did anyway...


Good for you. The beginning of wisdom. With enough practice you might see some results that will give you the 'why' you are looking for.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

sapientia said:


> Wow. So people in relationships should only apologize if they are actually wrong? LOL, have I got it backwards!
> 
> I've apologized even if I felt I was ultimately in the right. My H's feelings and our relationship means more to me than 'right or wrong'.
> 
> *There's an old saying re: marriage. You can be right or you can be happy. I would suggest choosing happiness. Being right all the time gets ever so lonely*.










....My husband feels just as you have spoken.. he's said this very thing... he's been a very good example to me.. As he would say "stubbornness" is probably the biggest intimacy killer in all marriages.

I, too, have taken the time/ effort to come to him after being RIGHT on something.. the attitude - it needed some adjustment.. a little too BRASH .... I've had my moments.. 

It helps, I can recognize them... and say.. " I am sorry.. I shouldn't have hauled off on you like that, you didn't deserve that".... these things go a long way in making amends.. they cover a multitude of blunders...you might say...


----------



## Love Pandy (Jul 20, 2015)

Tomara said:


> Apology is required imho





MarriedTex said:


> He's the one on the homefront, keeping care of the animals. Hard enough to get everything done but then you get second guessed from a distance. My hunch is that he has resentments built up over this particular work / living arrangement.
> 
> Consider yourself lucky. This is a warning sign that something needs to change - how you treat him, how much time you spend with him, something.
> 
> ...





Wolf1974 said:


> Agree
> 
> It isn't just that you were wrong it's that you told him he was wrong and he wasn't. I don't see how this is such a big deal....just say hey you were right on that one and I was wrong, great catch sorry about that.


Agreed! This is a waste of an argument!


----------



## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

toomuchlove87 said:


> I am only gone long periods of time in the Summer. In the spring and winter I am only gone a week at a time and home a week.


So, doing the math, that means you're away from your husband about 30 weeks out of the year's 52 weeks. 

When my wife went to Italy for two weeks earlier this year, it got to be a drag watering "her" gardens for a half-hour a day. I can only imagine the time sink for taking care of a horse (and probably other animals). It would be time that would be difficult to allocate, particularly if they would be considered more "my wife's animals" rather than my own. 

If it's his job to take care of the house / farm, then I guess I can see it. If he has a full-time job and then gets socked with taking care of "your" animals on his own for more than half a year, that would appear to be a significant investment of his time for your benefit. 

I stand by by first post on this. This snake bite issue has given you a window to better understand your husband's contributions to your relationship. My hunch - based on an admittedly miniscule sample size - is that you take him for granted. 

What you choose to do with this blessing of greater insight is your call.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

My wife is the same way with horses. Kind of a know it all and always putting me down for not being as knowledgeable. So I no longer feed, water or clean up after them. And if I ride, it's never with her. Life is too short to subject myself to that. If she decided to work away for weeks at a time she'd have to get rid of them or hire someone.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

My favorite response in a similar situation (without any demand, b/c I apologize readily if I'm wrong,) is, "Oops; sorry! You were right and I was wrong. I guess that's my mistake for the year!" Of course, I say this many times a year--we're all wrong, a lot.

It sounds like your h is behaving in a silly way--but unless this is "normal" for him, I think you should pay attention--unusual behaviors can indicate that there is more going on. Yep, he may feel overwhelmed or underappreciated. Apologize *and* let him know you are so grateful for the support he provides when you can't be home to take care of things.

Does he work, or is he dependent on your income for the most part? That could affect the way he thinks (which affects the way he feels).


----------



## Icey181 (Apr 16, 2015)

toomuchlove87 said:


> For an update. I did apologize to him... not sure why but I did anyway...


:slap:


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

toomuchlove87 said:


> For an update. I did apologize to him... not sure why but I did anyway...


This is worse than not apologizing.

Your ego will eventually make you a very lonely woman. You can count on that.

Good luck.


----------



## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

Why not sell the horse, since you're away from it for so long? Is it even worth having?


----------



## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

Actually I'm often on the other end of similar situations: I'm the one having to do stuffs and then my husband's response often seems to not trust that I can deal with things. It can be a pretty bad feeling and i did get hurt and angry even if he thinks he's not wrong. But then he could also have put more trust on how I handle things if he is not handling it with me, I feel unfair that he often got to judge my way when he was not participating. Some time later he finally understood and apologized to me.
(For example, i often plan our trips and he just waits for the plan to be presented, then criticizes, and I felt that he gets to do so while I did the dirty job; and how I feel like he saw me as incompetent)

Perhaps he could have talked in a less childish/passive-aggressive way to express how he felt. On the other hand, perhaps you could have said that he was right indeed and then tell him that you'll let him handle the rest. Also, don't involve a 3rd person in this type of situation. You both could find a gang of people on each side and getting as much people to agree or disagree is not really relevant anyways.

Even if you are not apologizing, you could talk with him and said how it was not your intention to doubt his competence and that you do trust him, and this time if it was not him perhaps the horse could be in danger (not sure how serious is rattle snake bite), and how you will let him take care of the animals his way (no micromanagement).


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

And I bet that your daddy could whup his daddy!

Poor horse!


----------



## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

toomuchlove87 said:


> For an update. I did apologize to him... not sure why but I did anyway...


Kudos for apologizing. 

"Downtwinkles" for the attitude about it. And if you presented the apology with the same attitude, then consider the kudos retracted.

Is it really that hard? This is the person you loved enough to say you wanted to be committed to each other the rest of your lives. And you find it difficult when presented with a suggestion that you apologize when you were objectively wrong? Do you ACTUALLY love this person, or enjoy the benefits of keeping them around? 

I apologize when I'm wrong. I apologize when I feel I'm right. I apologize any time my wife doesn't feel good, even when I'm not involved in the cause all. Why, you ask? Why NOT, I respond? What does that apology cost you? Pride? A prideful life can be an awfully lonely life...

Offering apologies to people doesn't mean anything concerning you. It can even be a way to communicate "I understand that you are unhappy, and I wish it wasn't that way." It shows empathy and caring for the other person's plight. And if that other person is someone you love - why would you NOT want to give that gift?


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

toomuchlove87 said:


> For an update. I did apologize to him... not sure why but I did anyway...


Great! Now let's find out why you're not sure why you did apologize. You must be like my W. Never apologizes for much of anything. Oh well, I just accept it as her being her.


----------



## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Nice attitude about the apology. You were supposed to apologize for being wrong and having your mother also tell him he was wrong. You made him feel like he didn't know what he was talking about. You made him feel stupid. You and your mom ganged up on the man and he had to call in a ranger to save your horses life or at the very least an extremely expensive vet bill. 

He deserved that apology and a very big thank you.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

To me this is an issue of love and respect. We all have our own experience and issues we bring to our marriages. There are things that my H might feel I owe him an apology for & things that I feel he owes me an apology for. Because of our different backgrounds those things may differ. On balance, he is a great guy, so I listen to him and respect his opinion. If he feels strongly that I crossed a line, I make an effort to understand his perspective. I will apologize even if it's not something I originally would have thought required an apology.

I don't think it is worth it at all to face off with your H about something like this. He obviously felt that you disrespected him and his feelings should be considered valid, in my opinion.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> You work four hours away from home but stay away for two to three weeks at a time?
> 
> That's your problem.


This was the biggest thing that stood out to me.

You have way bigger problems than the question you posted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## toomuchlove87 (Jan 10, 2012)

He doesn't work and is on disablity- but he wanted most of the horses... only two are mine.


----------



## toomuchlove87 (Jan 10, 2012)

Firstly the horse care was free... the ranger is a friend of ours.. secondly.. I had said it wasn't a rattler.. which it wasn't it was another snake. If I didn't have to leave home to work I wouldn't, unfortunately my husband has quite a habit for spending money, and I have to work long days away in order to earn that money. My husband has lived off my income since we were together, and only not for a short time when he actually did work. 

I only own two of the seven horses we have... and it would be my luck that it was mine who got snakebit. He called me to ask me for help... 

Secondly, my apology was not smart at all.. I genuinely apologized for what I deemed I was wrong for which was most of it. I did not apologize for having an opinion because I am allowed to have one. I did not mention this before but my husband is the kind of man who gets angry easily, and the last time he did he threw a coffee cup at the wall and then slammed me down on the floor on top of said coffee cup. Then he was mad because I would view him as an abusive husband. When I asked him later about it he said he was justified. That is the type of man he is, a man who justifies his judgements based on his own belief. 

SO before you judge me as a distant, b**tchy housewife, please remember that I have supported this man financially, him and his stepdaughter, since we started dating and after we got married. I am not saying I am always right, because that is not possible for any human... but I am not a mean, vindictive woman either.


----------



## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

Get out of this relationship. Now!

~ Passio


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

toomuchlove87 said:


> Firstly the horse care was free... the ranger is a friend of ours.. secondly.. I had said it wasn't a rattler.. which it wasn't it was another snake. If I didn't have to leave home to work I wouldn't, unfortunately my husband has quite a habit for spending money, and I have to work long days away in order to earn that money. My husband has lived off my income since we were together, and only not for a short time when he actually did work.
> 
> I only own two of the seven horses we have... and it would be my luck that it was mine who got snakebit. He called me to ask me for help...
> 
> ...


So you didn't think any of this was relevant information to elicit objective responses? I think everybody was spot on with their responses based on the information you originally presented, so I don't feel you can rightfully pull the "don't judge me" card when you were the one who presented misleading information, albeit misleading through omission, but misleading none the less. It does make me wonder if this is how you normally interact...present a partial story, then get all self righteous...

As to the more general theme though...

Who is objectively right or wrong is usually the side issue to the bigger picture. In pretty much every conflict situation my wife and I find ourselves in, there is always something we both could have handled differently and better. We both end up apologizing after any conflict.

When feelings are hurt, refusing to apologize, or apologizing insincerely is tantamount to invalidating ones partner. The feelings of the other person aren't yours, and it is very damaging to invalidate them. Not only is it disrespectful, it is sending the the message that you do not believe them, you do not trust them, that you know better than they do how they should be feeling...no, not healthy at all.


----------



## toomuchlove87 (Jan 10, 2012)

On the contrary, I apologize quite often to my husband, for lots of things, some that I am actually right on and some that are not my fault. I get constantly tired of people asking me why I didn't feel I should apologize, I will answer: 

I didn't feel he deserved an apology after how he treated me over the text. I have been with this man for six years almost, and for three of those six years I simply bent down and stayed quiet. My husband urged me to spend more time at grandpas in order to earn more money, it was his idea, he put my nose to the grinder about how we couldn't afford everything he wanted to do around the house, and that I had to put in more days to earn more money. 

I have spent my entire relationship trying not to sully my husband's appearance, I compliment him in public, I show him affection, to which I am usually brushed off or ignored, and I don't say anything. I keep it all under wraps. I used to drive back and forth four hours every four days to go home and see him, then I would drive back down and work. I did that for two years, and then one day he just said that I should just stay two to three weeks and earn more money. SO I did. 

I have always done what my husband wanted, I removed myself from my family, I moved away, I worked twelve hour days cleaning houses to earn money for our household. I got up at 5:30 AM every morning to be at work by 7AM, and I worked until 7PM, every day. I worked overtime, I worked weekends to make ends meet. All for him. I neglect to tell any of you this in my posts because I do not want his image soiled by his past transgressions. However, people seem to deem me self Righteous and naggy, or *****y... all my attempts have been to try to not sully my husbands reputation or his intentions.. I try to give you the most honest account of the story as I can.. sorry I forgot to tell you the vet work was free.. my bad...


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Do you want to stay married to a man so focused on money?

Please do not worry about protecting his pride. Please just be gut level honest with us.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

The relevant part you omitted wasn't that the vet work was free, it's that your H physically abuses you. Why are you even with him? And why are you bragging about apologizing for things that are not your fault?


----------



## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

What does your husband bring to the marriage? You're young and don't have children. Is it possible to consider trying to find a more equitable relationship?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> So you didn't think any of this was relevant information to elicit objective responses? I think everybody was spot on with their responses based on the information you originally presented, so I don't feel you can rightfully pull the "don't judge me" card when you were the one who presented misleading information, albeit misleading through omission, but misleading none the less. It does make me wonder if this is how you normally interact...present a partial story, then get all self righteous...


I agree with this^ comment. Presenting a partial story this way will make some question how much of this is true...

That said, being a veteran of a long, emotionally abusive marriage, I understand completely the varying pulls of bruised pride, embarrassment, frustration, etc. this kind of relationship causes, especially if one is naturally reserved and loyal. Speaking this stuff out loud (or even the internet) is very difficult for some. Not everyone groks the anonymity aspect even if they understand it intellectually. I was a member of another site for a very long time before I shared my story with that community and got some very good advice. Testing the waters, so to speak and establishing some credibility before sharing my story. I made a few IRL friends for the experience. When I finally took action to divorce my ex, however, I joined this one for the objective perspectives.

So, everyone has their way of reaching out for support, or not, in their own time. It's all valid. Let us know how we can help.

- Sapi


----------

