# Wife of 15 yrs left for another woman



## At83 (Jan 2, 2021)

As the title states it’s happening right now and I’m totally blown away. Mad,angry ,confused etc.. we have a five year old daughter and it’s going to break her heart once everything starts to unwind. She informed me she has always felt this way towards women but didn’t quite know and having a baby solidified it. She also informed me that she was just going through the motion our whole marriage and wanted to play the part. I think that’s the hardest part to understand and that she said it was inevitably going to happen. As we sit she goes back and forth to her girlfriends house with no remorse as we prepare for a divorce. I want to keep it amicable for the sake of my daughter, but she is making it really hard to do that. I guess my question as I wait to hear from lawyers and stuff like that is what do need to expect going into the future. Emotions are still raw and at times I do break down. The way I’m looking at it now is I’ve been faithful and she is currently cheating on me for girl she’s known for 3 weeks.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Cheating is cheating same sex or not, lawyer up ASAP, and exposed the affair to everyone


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## At83 (Jan 2, 2021)

I reside in Texas and am waiting until Monday to contact a attorney. I’m conflicted on how aggressive to go as I have a 5 yr old with my future ex. I don’t want it to be hostile, but she was the one that lied to me for 15 yrs. I’m more or less in a daze right now .🤦‍♂️


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You’ll get the “let’s be friends” thing. Most cheaters do this. This is all for them not you. Helps them alleviate guilt but will keep you in limbo. You don’t need hopium right now.

No contact is your best friend. you can be civil but stop there. You can do all you need by text or email. Look up and read the 180.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Marc878 said:


> be civil but stop there
> 
> Look up and read the 180.


*THE 180*

And, yes, keep it that way for the sake of your daughter. You won't regret anything you do for her sake.



At83 said:


> she was just going through the motion our whole marriage and wanted to play the part.


I have watched this in the life of two very close friends. One friend was a woman I worked with and got to know through conversations at "break". She tried living with a guy for 4 years. She couldn't marry him, she expressed that she was "trying to be what her family wanted" but on the inside, she just couldn't do it.

The other friend was a man, his wife blindsided him one day with the revelation that she was gay and that she was moving out with another woman. He agreed that he saw her "going through the motions" but didn't deduce her closet homosexuality.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Personally, this one would be easier for me to deal with than had a man stolen away any wife of mine.

Your wife did not get dikked, but yes, you got diked.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

In my teens, I dated a woman briefly, and she became a lifelong friend. She got married, had two kids, and then realized she had been socialized into being heterosexual, but was really a lesbian. It took a long time to really figure out why she wasn't happy in her marriage. She divorced her husband, had a series of same sex relationships, and is now in a long term relationship with another woman. She remained very close friends with her ex, even when he remarried. They'd usually all get together for holidays and such. However, I do not know if she cheated on him at the time they split up, but that would clearly be a major issue to overcome, if you choose.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

At83 said:


> I reside in Texas and am waiting until Monday to contact a attorney. I’m conflicted on how aggressive to go as I have a 5 yr old with my future ex. I don’t want it to be hostile, but she was the one that lied to me for 15 yrs. I’m more or less in a daze right now .🤦‍♂️


Sounds like you're prepared to do the smart thing and seek legal advice. The best advice my lawyer gave me during the divorce was that if it went to court, it would cost a lot of money - that it was a last resort if my XH couldn't be reasoned with. That custody and alimony/child support are two different matters. I was furious with him for his infidelity but had to grudgingly admit that while he wasn't father of the year, he didn't pose a danger to our son and that our son would ultimately suffer if he didn't spend time with his dad. How you deal with issues other than custody are up to you. Do yourself and your child a favor and keep the hostility towards your soon-to-be-XW out of earshot of your child, and do not allow others to bash her mother in front of her. You are angry and you have every right to be. But in the end, it will effect your child negatively if you let your daughter see it. Be civil in front of your child. Beyond that, you don't owe your XW any favors. I've seen people softball it with their ex, and I've seen others play hardball and lose a lot of money taking things to court out of revenge, and then not get what they want. What route you want to go is ultimately up to you, but make sure you take your lawyer's advice.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

At83 said:


> As the title states it’s happening right now and I’m totally blown away. Mad,angry ,confused etc.. we have a five year old daughter and it’s going to break her heart once everything starts to unwind. She informed me she has always felt this way towards women but didn’t quite know and having a baby solidified it. She also informed me that she was just going through the motion our whole marriage and wanted to play the part. I think that’s the hardest part to understand and that she said it was inevitably going to happen. As we sit she goes back and forth to her girlfriends house with no remorse as we prepare for a divorce. I want to keep it amicable for the sake of my daughter, but she is making it really hard to do that. I guess my question as I wait to hear from lawyers and stuff like that is what do need to expect going into the future. Emotions are still raw and at times I do break down. The way I’m looking at it now is I’ve been faithful and she is currently cheating on me for girl she’s known for 3 weeks.


Hopefully you have proof of the affair. Text messages, social media messages, ANYTHING really.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

GC1234 said:


> Hopefully you have proof of the affair. Text messages, social media messages, ANYTHING really.


Um why?


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## At83 (Jan 2, 2021)

Other then her coming out to me and saying it’s been hard to find anything. She’s told several people that she is in a relationship and it’s a woman, but as for hard evidence no. Trying to get her cell phone would only pose a bigger problem.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Unlike many other states, Texas courts consider adultery when deciding how to divide the couple's property in a divorce. If you can find sufficient evidence (ask your attorney what suffices), then you might get a better settlement. However, that may impact how amicable things remain going forward, but after a while that probably won't matter much. You can hold the information in reserve if things become unpleasant as the divorce progresses.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

At83 said:


> Other then her coming out to me and saying it’s been hard to find anything. She’s told several people that she is in a relationship and it’s a woman, but as for hard evidence no. Trying to get her cell phone would only pose a bigger problem.


Trying to get her phone would probably make her mad, and you don't want to do that unnecessarily until after the divorce is final. I don't recommend it then either, but there is less risk then.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Livvie said:


> Um why?


Possibly this: Adultery in Texas: Does Cheating Affect Alimony?

Although, not sure how important the term “sexual intercourse” is and how it would be interpreted in this case.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

At83 said:


> I reside in Texas and am waiting until Monday to contact a attorney. I’m conflicted on how aggressive to go as I have a 5 yr old with my future ex. I don’t want it to be hostile, but she was the one that lied to me for 15 yrs. I’m more or less in a daze right now .🤦‍♂️


It's kind of a myth that you can be aggressive in divorced proceedings. I am also in Texas and basically you will split up assets and the division won't have anything to do with the fact that she cheated. Judges don't care about any of that and their first concern is going to be for the child. 

The norm is 50/50 joint custody. You will likely have your daughter two and a half days through the week and one day on the weekend, and your wife will have her the same amount of time on the days you don't have her. 

Because you will have joint custody, if there is any temporary financial custody burden, it would only be because one or the other of you didn't work. But you will both be expected to work. He will each split expenses. If one or the other of you needs child care for when you're working, that will be up to each of you to pay for individually. 

You will split medical expenses. 

So you should just get an attorney and get things going. If for some reason you do not want equal custody of your child, the judge may say too bad because that child is half yours. But if for some reason she wants most of the custody and you don't, then you will be paying her child support. I advise you to 50/50 custody and keep it simple. 

If you brought something into the marriage such as a personal position, you're supposed to be able to keep that. Otherwise anything you've accumulated since the marriage is 50/50. 

Sorry this has happened to you. At least you won't have to worry about your daughter being around strange men while the ex-dates men.


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## At83 (Jan 2, 2021)

I appreciate everyone on here, as I’m new to this and for the most part try to have two steps planned out in my life choices. In this instance I’m just here trying to make sense of things. And what goes through my head , is I wasn’t a perfect husband but nobody is. I did always try to provide the best for her and my daughter. They never did without. To drop 15 yrs is a kick in the gut


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

At83 said:


> I appreciate everyone on here, as I’m new to this and for the most part try to have two steps planned out in my life choices. In this instance I’m just here trying to make sense of things. And what goes through my head , is I wasn’t a perfect husband but nobody is. I did always try to provide the best for her and my daughter. They never did without. To drop 15 yrs is a kick in the gut


Sure it is. But isn't it better to know the truth now? She can't change who she is attracted to, and it isn't men.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

__





Understanding and Calculating Alimony in Texas


Learn how alimony is calculated in Texas and the factors courts consider when deciding spousal maintenance awards.




www.divorcenet.com





This article if read carefully will explain to you that adultery can only be considered in certain cases when spousal maintenance is required. but they go into it with their presumption that there will be no spousal maintenance and spousal maintenance is only granted under very limited circumstances. And adultery only comes into it once it is determined that these limited circumstances make spousal maintenance necessary and then it is only used as one factor among many to determine an amount. I've never seen it granted. I read a lot of cases.

So better get revenge out of your mind. Judges don't like that attitude because it may affect the child. My best advice to you is get an attorney a family law attorney that you can reasonably afford, and be the sane one and not go in there all worked up and making demands because of your anger. Judges look for who seems to be the sane one in custody hearings.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

At83 said:


> I appreciate everyone on here, as I’m new to this and for the most part try to have two steps planned out in my life choices. In this instance I’m just here trying to make sense of things. And what goes through my head , is *I wasn’t a perfect husband* but nobody is. I did always try to provide the best for her and my daughter. They never did without. To drop 15 yrs is a kick in the gut


But would it have mattered? I think you need to get those thoughts, about being a perfect husband, out of your head. Because you never were. Not the perfect part; you were never her husband. You were not her one-and-only; she knew that all along. You have just one job right now, and that's to figure out how to be a very good father. The best father you can be to your kids. 

Above all, do not for one second thing that, if you had done this, or been better about that, that you could have kept her from desiring a same-sex partner. She was wired to be this way, maybe from birth, maybe not, that's a discussion that's entirely irrelevant right now because it's who she is. She's also got questionable moral character, based upon cheating on your marriage. Not based upon her sexual choice. That is hers to be.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

The best answers are not going to be the easiest...

Being truthful now means living a lie until then... such deception is always hard to come to terms with in the beginning but the truth now is she has abandoned your marriage.

Whether it is for limerence or if her "truth" has finally become a lie she can no longer live, your family will not be the same from here on out. Forget collecting proof, that is anger misdirected because you really have all you need to establish where you stand. 

Use your energy to begin protecting yourself and your child, think about the life that is going to change and how you choose to rebuild it because the angrier you are with her the more she will control.

True, you deserved different than you got... but know that what you got will not remain.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

At83 said:


> I appreciate everyone on here, as I’m new to this and for the most part try to have two steps planned out in my life choices. In this instance I’m just here trying to make sense of things. And what goes through my head , is I wasn’t a perfect husband but nobody is. I did always try to provide the best for her and my daughter. They never did without. To drop 15 yrs is a kick in the gut


Don't do this to yourself - she HERSELF said that she was just going through the motions for the entire marriage -- it had NOTHING to do with you being or not being a good husband.
I wonder if you could discuss getting the marriage annulled since she obviously married you as a fraud.

Also, if she is rubbing the affair in your face, why don't you ask her to move out since its' only hurting you and your daughter for her to do this.


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## At83 (Jan 2, 2021)

it’s not so much that she’s rubbing the affair in my face, as much as it is strange being in the house with her there. If the roles were reversed I would have had my clothes on the street and she would have fought for full custody. Also I don’t want to kick her out because of my daughter and trying to keep the peace. It sucks having to be the bigger person in the relationship even though the other was clearly wrong


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Yeah, please don't self-blame. She was a gay person in the closet. you know gayness and straightness is all on the same sliding scale and there is everything in between. So she was enough into men to marry you and probably just didn't have the courage to explore women until she was older and then found out that's either more her thing or that she wants to explore more. The thing she did that was bad is doing it within the marriage. 

It's left you feeling like you are married to an illusion. But it was all real enough. She just finally grew into her sexuality. Please don't be yourself up over anything you could have done because I don't believe there is anything you could have done.


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## At83 (Jan 2, 2021)

Also she goes and stays the night 1 or 2 nights with her. While I’m at the house, so yes it is like her rubbing it in my face. But I look at my daughter who is the innocent one and I try to keep things normal.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

At83 said:


> it’s not so much that she’s rubbing the affair in my face, as much as it is strange being in the house with her there. If the roles were reversed I would have had my clothes on the street and she would have fought for full custody. Also I don’t want to kick her out because of my daughter and trying to keep the peace. It sucks having to be the bigger person in the relationship even though the other was clearly wrong


She couldn't get full custody unless you granted it. It's just not that way anymore. The courts want the child to have both parents. You wouldn't believe how bad someone has to be to lose custody of a child and even those with heroin addictions or who have been in prison are offered a pathway back to custody.


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## At83 (Jan 2, 2021)

She also stated she thinks she should live at the house,I told her no your the one who initiated this and lied . How does the house work with the judge choosing who gets to live there.


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## At83 (Jan 2, 2021)

The humorous but sad thing out of this is, I asked her what her sexuality is gay , bi etc and she can’t say the word gay. But she said she sees herself with women here on out. It’s like I just want to shake her and say wake up!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

At83 said:


> it’s not so much that she’s rubbing the affair in my face, as much as it is strange being in the house with her there. If the roles were reversed I would have had my clothes on the street and she would have fought for full custody. Also I don’t want to kick her out because of my daughter and trying to keep the peace.* It sucks having to be the bigger person in the relationship* even though the other was clearly wrong


You are the_ bigger_ person.
Take comfort in that, it is not a _small_ matter.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you both want the house, it could become a contested asset. Mediation (if it’s required in your state) only works if the parties can agree on key issues (custody, asset division, etc.). That’s the easiest way to settle things. If an agreement can’t be reached in mediation, it gets more complicated.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

At83 said:


> I reside in Texas and am waiting until Monday to contact a attorney. I’m conflicted on how aggressive to go as I have a 5 yr old with my future ex. I don’t want it to be hostile, but she was the one that lied to me for 15 yrs. I’m more or less in a daze right now .🤦‍♂️


You go as aggressive as you possibly can because that is exactly what will be done to you. Once this crap starts, the person you once loved, you will find is hone and you won’t recognize the person. You will need to please listen to your attorney and under no circumstances try to be nice or generous.
You need to realize that you need to leave the marriage with your future in mind and not hers, because that’s what she will selfishly do to you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You should be documenting every night she spends with her lover . This could be important in custody results.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

At83 said:


> Also she goes and stays the night 1 or 2 nights with her. While I’m at the house, so yes it is like her rubbing it in my face. But I look at my daughter who is the innocent one and I try to keep things normal.


Asking her to leave isn't going to "unnormal" things for your daughter. I didn't say kick her out with no access to your child.
She is already out staying 1 or 2 nights -- just ask her to move out completely as she isn't being fair to you at all.
She can she the child, take her out, etc., but it would be better for YOU if she wasn't there.
The more she is gone, the better for YOU for any custody issues -- it proves that you are completely capable of taking care of her on your own, and may lean towards YOU being the primary care giver.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

DownByTheRiver said:


> __
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I’m sure @DownByTheRiver is more familiar with what happens in Texas courts than I. But fwiw the article I linked earlier also says the other court decisions may be effected by adultery, and the article source, NOLO, has appeared to me to provide good quality info about other divorce-related things.

Not at all saying OP should be aggressive, be out for revenge, or even mention the adultery to the court. But, knowledge of what might be useful is important to dig into sooner than later especially if evidence will degrade over time. So, imho, definitely worth mentioning to one’s lawyer.

*What Else Does Adultery Impact?*
_Unlike many other states, Texas courts consider adultery when deciding how to divide the couple’s property in a divorce. A spouse who was unfaithful may receive a smaller share of the couple’s property and funds. Courts will also take into account any money spent on an affair, such as money spent on trips, hotels, or gifts.

Texas law typically doesn’t allow adultery to be considered when deciding child custody and visitation. Courts focus more on the parenting abilities of each parent when deciding which spouse will have custody of the children. Adultery can indirectly impact child custody or visitation, however, if a spouse abandoned the children while having the affair._


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

At83 said:


> She also stated she thinks she should live at the house,I told her no your the one who initiated this and lied . How does the house work with the judge choosing who gets to live there.


It's all going to hinge on the child's welfare. And a lot of it depends on the assets between you two. Sometimes you just end up selling the house. Sometimes one person buys the other one out. the judge isn't going to leave the child with nowhere to stay that's for sure. But this is yet one more reason you should insist on joint custody because then there is no reason why they should choose her to have the house to live in with the child over you to have the house to live in with the child during your respective visitation. If she was going to get the child then she probably would get the house. But joint custody is the preferred norm.

You may have to sell the house off and divide the assets.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Listen, you need to stop talking about this stuff with her until you've talked to an attorney because she could be recording and if you agreed to something she could say you had an oral agreement. Just tell her you're not ready to talk about any of that yet. 

And you need to get an attorney tomorrow so that you can account for the assets and get that inventory complete and at that point forward you're both have to account for what you spend. She could be helping this other woman out with rent or something. So you need to get an attorney and get them working on what to do about the money and other assets.


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

At83 said:


> She also stated she thinks she should live at the house,I told her no your the one who initiated this and lied . How does the house work with the judge choosing who gets to live there.


I have heard of people getting a small place in addition to the marital home. The child(ren) stays in in the marital home (until it is sold - say when (youngest) child is 18) and the parents swap properties.

Unusual, and circumstances dependant - but don't be afraid to think outside the norm.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

At83 said:


> we have a five year old daughter and it’s going to break her heart once everything starts to unwind.


You know its possible, if you talk with your wife and the other chick, to work out an arrangement that would be of mutual benefit to the three of you, and your daughter. May not be exactly what you have in mind but it wouldn't be not bad duty.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

GC1234 said:


> As always, rude! I didn't expect anything less. Please stop replying to any of my messages, now and in the future. Respect my wishes, that's a boundary!


No can do. I'm really just not going to remember that you don't want me replying to any of your posts. Your best course of action is to block me, put me on ignore. That way if I do, you won't see it. If you are unsure how to do that, let me know and I'll write out the instructions.

P.S. A boundary usually has an if/then clause...

P.P.S. I wrote "Umm why?" and that is what you labelled "rude". I'm giggling because _um why_ aren't rude words.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Whatever happens, keep your wits about you at all times. Until your divorce is final the head must overrule the heart at every turn.

While she is wrapped up in the euphoric endorphins of her affair you may find her much less concerned about the more mundane aspects of a divorce settlement. This is chess, not checkers. It may behoove you to acquiesce on some more minor things to win the majors. Every decision needs to be made with careful consideration of the ultimate goal - the best settlement you can achieve for yourself. 

Don't argue over nonsense. Fight where you have to, but otherwise it is far better for her to feel guilty when she thinks of you rather than anger. I've seen too many smart people really hurt themselves in the divorce because they wanted to exact some kind of vengeance. The cliche is that revenge is a dish best served cold. I'd say that it's like cotton candy; enjoyable for a moment but not satisfying and will most likely leave you wanting to vomit in the end

Good luck.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

SpinyNorman said:


> It's a public forum, you are allowed to post, and everyone is allowed to reply.
> 
> If you feel a post is rude, report it.


How can I report it?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

GC1234 said:


> How can I report it?


You are going to report me writing "Um why?" I feel like I'm in the twilight zone.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

SpinyNorman said:


> It's a public forum, you are allowed to post, and everyone is allowed to reply.
> 
> If you feel a post is rude, report it.


I figured it out. Thanks for the suggestion.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

GC1234 said:


> I figured it out. Thanks for the suggestion.


Great...now follow the other advice and put her on ignore so you won’t have to be so petty. The mods have enough to deal with. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Great...now follow the other advice and put her on ignore so you won’t have to be so petty. The mods have enough to deal with.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I wasn't asking. I handled it my own way.


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## At83 (Jan 2, 2021)

I really do appreciate everyone’s reply’s. At first I felt like I was going through this alone and now not so much.


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## At83 (Jan 2, 2021)

Everytime I see my daughter it erases the heartache a little at a time .


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

GC1234 said:


> I wasn't asking. I handled it my own way.


You did ask. However, you don't get to control what other members do. You can put them on ignore.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> You did ask. However, you don't get to control what other members do. You can put them on ignore.


I was talking to Livvie, not Elizabeth.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

That's not how public forums work.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

At83 said:


> Everytime I see my daughter it erases the heartache a little at a time .


Good, just remember being the bigger person does not mean you have to be a doormat.


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