# Men--what does it take for you to be



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

100% honest, good and bad? No walls up period?

I'm working on my reactions to my husband so he doesn't feel judged or worried/scared of my reactions (because I've overreacted, yelled, etc in the past). I'm committing myself to being more reasonable, calm and a better listener when he DOES say something.

So what else would it take? Do I just have to be patient? He says he is making efforts to tell me things, regardless of what he thinks I'll say/do/think. He is being more open sexually (a bit, maybe it's just ME that has more fantasies, pushes the limits etc--I keep thinking he'll want to do/say more but he is a bit 'vanilla' compared to me), he is being 100% transparent about things now. I noticed it and noticed he is making lots of efforts on his part.

So just wait around? Anything else I can do on my part so he feels comfortable to totally put his walls down? 

For the record, we've been married/together for almost 10yrs and I was his first gf/lover. I was more experienced than him when we met. Also from his family I can tell he was never really open with them etc. I think until me he never put down any walls. So I should be happy about this, I just want to know what else I can do to keep moving in this direction. Thanks!


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## Laila8 (Apr 24, 2013)

I think this has more to do with maturity than anything else. I too was my husband's first gf/lover. He lies about dumb things often because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. It's like he's a little boy who doesn't want to get scolded by mommy.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

And if you treat him like you're the mommy......


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Counseling for him in a group setting, practice, and consistency in his attempts to be open and honest and consistency in your attempts to be non-judgmental.


We are going back to MC this week together...

What kind of group? I'm not sure what it would be for, I don't know if he would agree to the group one, maybe? He was very agreeable to go back to MC so we can communicate better.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Laila619 said:


> I think this has more to do with maturity than anything else. I too was my husband's first gf/lover. He lies about dumb things often because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. It's like he's a little boy who doesn't want to get scolded by mommy.



Yes, and this is partly my fault because I *did* treat him like that, scolding him, yelling at him etc. I don't want to do that anymore. he is better about being honest now too but I want to keep moving in this direction, not sure what other good ideas are to help keep us like this. 

I told him for example, when we were dating and I caught him looking at porn, he lied, etc then just hid it better...now we watch together sometimes. BUT I told him it would be better if he responded by saying, "Yeah so what I look at it a little bit, its not a big deal to me, how do you feel about it?" etc...versus acting embarrassed/angry and defensive. But this is not an issue anymore.

I want him to keep putting his walls down, not sure what else I can do to help.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Not sure what kind. I just know from experience that when I heard other men tell their stories and saw their expressions, it made it easier to understand my issues and open up. Maybe you can explore the idea with the MC? I don't mean to forgo the MC. This would be in addition to it.


Ok...sounds good.

I remember I asked him once to go to a men's session for the group I go to (related to pregnancy stuff) and he wasn't keen on going BUT when he came back he said he was glad he went and he had a lot to say about what he heard. 

I guess I could look up groups or whatever is around...thanks!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

What would it take? Well, I'd have to feel completely safe and free from judgement. Personally I don't think my wife is capable of that for any long period of time. Maybe your husband feels the same. 

Also, if SHE opened herself up and made herself be vulnerable to MY judgement (not that I would be judgmental, but that she would expose herself to the possibility) that would go a long way to making me feel like I could be vulnerable to her. Kind of a shared risk thing I guess. Anyway, my deepest darkest secrets have to be earned. I don't give them to people I don't trust. And especially not my wife.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

BJ every time he is open will have him confessing the JKF assassination


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> What would it take? Well, I'd have to feel completely safe and free from judgement. Personally I don't think my wife is capable of that for any long period of time. Maybe your husband feels the same.
> 
> Also, if SHE opened herself up and made herself be vulnerable to MY judgement (not that I would be judgmental, but that she would expose herself to the possibility) that would go a long way to making me feel like I could be vulnerable to her. Kind of a shared risk thing I guess. Anyway, my deepest darkest secrets have to be earned. I don't give them to people I don't trust. And especially not my wife.


I think I am open and make myself vulnerable to him. I think I'm getting better at listening and not judging him, I still have to get better at not overreacting. Doesn't help that I'm pregnant because I'm highly emotional. He is making progress, I'm just wondering what can I do to reach that ideal openness/100% honesty.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

It took you 10 years to get here it will take roughly 3 years of good behavior before he trusts you completely.

Be patient.

You can't talk your way out of something you behaved your way into.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

I've never withheld from any relationship, and if they didn't like what I had to say they didn't become relationships.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> It took you 10 years to get here it will take roughly 3 years of good behavior before he trusts you completely.
> 
> Be patient.
> 
> You can't talk your way out of something you behaved your way into.


Exactly. You built this reputation and the woman he made himself vulnerable to treated him like his opinions and desires were wrong. Not perhaps unhealthy, but WRONG. Women have been teaching men for decades that what they ARE is wrong instead of finding a way to live with these different creatures...then they blame us for not opening up to them.

So men who want sex hide and lie.

If you backslide at all, you won't be trusted again. It takes at least 2 years to change a reputation.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

BTW...are you 100% open and honest with him...or is it a one way street?


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

JCD said:


> BTW...are you 100% open and honest with him...or is it a one way street?



I'm 100% open and honest with him. No secrets here and he trusts me, I feel confident in that.

I am feeling good about his trust too, I just want him to be more comfortable to say whatever...

I feel like even though I created some of this, some of it is just the way females are wired? I'm not sure but I'm going to try my hardest to be non judgmental and not overreact at all to him.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well you can be like my STBX and "probe" via manipulative games and tests to force honesty, and for minor issues it was even be fun especially when I decided to play hard to get with my STBX back in the day. But for serious issues, 100% transparency was difficult.

Leading by example can only do so much too, my STBX was 95% transparent, the 5% was her own messed up thoughts so I was happy with 95%, but I was only perhaps 80% transparent, I kept more secrets then her. I did so because I couldn't trust her with the truth nor did I believe she could handle it. But since seperation we're both 95% transparent now, nothing to lose, we've already lost everything and ready to break.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> It took you 10 years to get here it will take roughly 3 years of good behavior before he trusts you completely.
> 
> Be patient.
> 
> You can't talk your way out of something you behaved your way into.


Exactly. I behaved my way out of getting my exes honest reactions to things and I was never able to get it back.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I didn't feel I could be at all open or honest with my ex - it didn't start out like that but became so as our relationship deteriorated. I just couldn't be myself any more. It's going to take some time for him to break down the walls if you've behaved how my ex used to. I just stopped wanting to tell him anything

Any new man is going to have to take me as they find me and if they don't like what they find then don't take me


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> I didn't feel I could be at all open or honest with my ex - it didn't start out like that but became so as our relationship deteriorated. I just couldn't be myself any more. It's going to take some time for him to break down the walls if you've behaved how my ex used to. I just stopped wanting to tell him anything
> 
> Any new man is going to have to take me as they find me and if they don't like what they find then don't take me




I just wanted to add, when I say walls it has more to do with him and interactions with any other females and just even his opinions about female celebrities, people we know etc. For example I've teased him incessantly before if he said someone is attractive (celebrity) or I've asked about people we know and he told me honestly and then I don't let go about it. I didn't like when he was really friendly with a coworker and checked out her FB page all the time--I didn't want them to be friends (he works with her)--he still was friends and lied about it. When I found out he admitted he was still just friendly at work thats it and said he lied because he didn't want me to flip out but didnt think him being friendly was wrong. 

Because of his inexperience dating when we FIRST started dating 10+yrs ago, we got into a fight once about some friend of his--a girl. I saw in an email then he told her something like "our relationship is on the rocks"---but it was in a joking way. I got SO upset and flipped out, I said relationship problems shouldnt be taken to opposite friends outside of us. He learned after that incident. 

I guess with regards to how much he will share/be open, I don't know what to reasonably expect. Like 

1) yes I expect you to be honest about who you interact with and not lie for NO reason if someone calls from work (I posted how last week he blatantly lied and said no one called it was a phone alarm--but then admitted someone DID call and he didnt want to deal with the calm OR 20 questions from me---which btw I don't ALWAYS do--he said it was more not wanting to deal with the call. Still--no excuse to lie). 

2) is it reasonable to expect he will tell me if he finds someone attractive--do I really want to know? Maybe not. I do expect him to tell me if he wants to go out and do stuff on his own---he hasn't in te past and then gotten frustrated and said we don't have time, you'll be upset etc. not true but maybe my reactions in the past made it seem that way. 

3) I do hope and expect he will be honest about sexual intimacy--likes, dislikes, taking more authority, expressing himself more. He is definitely doing this--inititating a LOT more, more playful/touchy feely etc. i also hope he shares more in terms of fantasies but he says what he has shared is pretty much the extent so far. I guess I'm just more creative and charged and want more variety? But we still have a good physical relationship now . Before he never asked/suggested I go down on him but now he does. Some progress I think!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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