# I would like to hear from cheaters (specially men)



## NatashaYurino (Jan 2, 2012)

Do you trully regret cheating?

I am having a hard time believing cheaters really regret what they did, or if they put on this facade of being sorry only because it's what we want to see.

How did you feel about damaging your relationship and how did you show it to your loved one that you were regretful of your choices?

I mean no disrespect to people who have cheated, I only want to hear their side of the story. Thanks!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Not a man but yes, I truly regret it. I felt bad for what I did. The relationship was not good prior to the cheating. No that's not an excuse...its just being honest. I know some people say a relationship can be fine/happy if cheating occurs but that was not the case w me. I had been and suggested marriage counselling. He didn't want to go. I ended the affair, apologized and confessed whaat I did, and never had contact w the OM again. My husband had also cheated. We divorced.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I'm not a male but I've cheated. I regret what I did because I'm seeing the pain it is causing. I regret it because it wasn't a solution to the problems I've been having and still have in my marriage. I would not put a fassade up because that's what my husband wants to see. If I felt that way, I would have a reason to stay in the marriage and I would be long gone. If I really wanted to be with the OM, I would be there right now.
I feel horrible about damaging my marriage the way I did, I know I can't ever un-do it no matter what I do.
I have cut off any contact with the OM immediately and haven't had any contact with OM or any other male ever since (it's been over 3 years since Dday). My husband has complete access to my computer, phone, email etc. you name it. I don't know if there are still key loggers, if there are, that's totally fine with me. I have nothing to hide from my husband. I was happy to take a polygraph test, I couldn't wait to do it, and I passed. I initiated MC after realizing that there were too many issues that remained unaddressed. I have offered to take more polygraphs and whatever else my husband felt he needed to verify. My job requires almost daily travel for several hours and every once in a while I'm meeting with strangers in vacant homes. I always let him know where I will be going that day, what I'll be doing, when I'll be back. I call and text daily to give reports where I am and when I will be home. I make sure I can document my entire work day. I can't think of anything I could do to show transparency.
I realize there are many things that I know my husband would have liked for me to do but I didn't do in our marriage. It's little things that aren't of much importance but they mean a lot to him. Some of them are sexual and I will not go into details because that's only between him and me. I have spent a lot of time working on a certain issue I've had that has resulted in a less than stellar sex life previously. I have resolved this issue. I try the best I can do be attentive to his needs, get him his coffee in the morning, cook his favorite dinner more often, encourage him in this career choices, I had his first name tatooed on my ring finger (I didn't want to do it because I'm a whimp when it comes to pain and it did hurt like hell. I did it because it meant something to him at the time), I'm reading this forum because I want to better understand what he is going through and has been going through.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I absolutely regret it. To see the pain on my wife's face nearly destroyed me.
However, we both had been involved in affairs, but I confessed. It was the wake up call we needed to rebuild.
Read my story below.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Why do you find it hard to believe we could/would regret such a hurtful thing? Today my wife will go so far as to say, "it was worth it" because like Dan we used my affair as a wake up call to really improve our marriage. Me. I can't say that. I would give anything to be able to say I had always been faithful to my wife. 

How do I feel about it? I hate it. I wish I could undo the pain my emotional affair caused my wife, me, and my affair partner. I wish I could have the part of my soul that I gave up to have that affair back. 

What did I do to show my wife? When I confessed I confessed it all. I told her the truth, took ownership of my actions. I was totally willing to be held accountable for what I had done. I was honest with her. I told her when and why I was hurting, I answered all of her questions gladly. I did my best to do what I told her I would and when I slipped I told her about it. I focused on her and what she needed and did my best to meet those needs. I told her I love her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NatashaYurino (Jan 2, 2012)

Wow DanF and Sigma, you've got impressive stories, you all do. Thanks for your inputs guys. 

The reason why sometimes I find it a bit hard to believe is: first I guess I am trying to protect myself, and second so many people (both males and females) seem so proud of themselves for having cheated.

I know it's not smart to judge EVERYONE based on a small number of people. But at times it seems as if cheating is like a badge of honor for most people.

Anyway, I realise it's NOT the case for you guys and girls here, so again thank you for giving me your point of view. It helps a lot.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am so glad to hear from the guys that cheated how much they regret what they did. Some days I question things in my own relationship, and hearing their stories restores my faith in mankind


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> I am so glad to hear from the guys that cheated how much they regret what they did. Some days I question things in my own relationship, and hearing their stories restores my faith in mankind


I cheated, and I regret it every day. The long-term pain I caused,the deep hurt I inflicted, the waffling I do that keeps her in limbo. I'd give my life to erase it all from history.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

NatashaYurino said:


> so many people (both males and females) seem so proud of themselves for having cheated.
> 
> But at times it seems as if cheating is like a badge of honor for most


What people? I can tell you for me personally, there is NO honor in having cheated. Its shaming and by far one of my biggest regrets in life--the one thing I wish I could undo. Noooo honor whatsoever in cheating. No pride. Just a bad feeling left afterwards. It sucks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

It seems that for the truly remorseful ex-cheaters, the greatest betrayal is not the one they committed against their BS, but the one they committed against themselves.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

michzz said:


> The really narcissistic cheaters, such as my wife only regret being judged, having been found out , and never, ever volunteer any remorse without me bringing up her extended affair.
> 
> Rug sweepers and minimizes to the bitter end.
> 
> ...


Divorcing soon?


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## Kcrat (Mar 18, 2011)

I want to address Natasha's feeling that cheaters may feel "proud" or wear a "badge of honor." I think in my case my ex was very much like michzz's STBX. He was only regretful, that he was caught. He too, never showed that deep, down on your knees, (possible crying) remorse to me or the kids. Yes, when I pushed, he'd say he was sorry that he didn't just leave without this all being found out. Funny how he never said he wished he'd left BEFORE EVER DOING IT! Also, in regards to "being proud," I think my husband did take pleasure and satisfaction in the fact that there was something I didn't know, and something I wasn't in control of. I think he was "proud" he had something all his own, that I couldn't touch, pass judgement on, etc. It was a diversion and escape for him. Our divorce was final 3 weeks ago.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

morituri said:


> It seems that for the truly remorseful ex-cheaters, the greatest betrayal is not the one they committed against their BS, but the one they committed against themselves.


*That* is what I will never forget.


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## johniori1 (Dec 28, 2011)

I think in my case my ex was very much like michzz's STBX. He was only regretful, that he was caught. He too, never showed that deep, down on your knees, (possible crying) remorse to me or the kids. Yes, when I pushed, he'd say he was sorry that he didn't just leave without this all being found out. Funny how he never said he wished he'd left BEFORE EVER DOING IT! Also, in regards to "being proud," I think my husband did take pleasure and satisfaction in the fact that there was something I didn't know, and something I wasn't in control of. I think he was "proud" he had something all his own, that I couldn't touch, pass judgement on, etc. It was a diversion and escape for him. Our divorce was final 1 weeks ago.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

morituri said:


> It seems that for the truly remorseful ex-cheaters, the greatest betrayal is not the one they committed against their BS, but the one they committed against themselves.


For me it's a tie, but only because I put what I did to my wife at the top of the list. She did nothing to earn or deserve what I did to her. What I did to me was self inflicted so it doesn't rise to the level of what I did to my wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

Sigma and Dan - You make me want to believe in my H. However, it's only been a week since DDay of PA, so I'm still very much mistrusting! Besides he can't be over the OW yet. At least not completely.

How long did you get over your AP btw? And do you still "care" for them now?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Desperate - such loaded questions... What does "over" really mean??

There's another thread running around recently by almost the same title in which I posted something to the effect of that getting over the loss of an emotional connection is hard, just as it is with anyone you might have an emotional bond with. The fact that the relationship was illicit doesn't really make it any easier to break that connection. 

In reality it took me about a year to really get "over" my AP. Understand that in that time I never once questioned what I really wanted or who I really wanted to be with but I still had the OW running around inside my head. My first thread here was in May 2011 seeking help for this very thing, a full 9 months after D Day. So is "over" when you stop pining for your AP, stop having feelings for your AP, stop caring about your AP, stop thinking about your AP or when your AP leaves your consciousness and pretty much never crosses your mind again? I don't know. Does an alcoholic ever stop thinking about having a drink? Sure if an alcoholic is successful in their recovery they don't have DT's any more, aren't incapacitated by their addiction, and are happy they have made the choice to remove alcohol from their lives; but, do they ever stop thinking about it? Again, I don't know. Currently, I certainly don't pine for my AP and I don't have feelings for her. 

To your second question - do I still care for her. Yes - and no. This has a lot to do with my wife. If my AP managed to get word to me that she was in dire straights and I was the only person on earth who could help her she would be out of luck. I would not be there for her, it would be very hard on me, but I would keep my back turned to her. I wouldn't help her because I know it would hurt my wife and she is the one I am worried about, the one I must protect, the one I love. However, I'm not a particularly empathetic person and it would be hard on me to know my AP needed my help so to me that means I must still care for her in some way. 

That's a long answer. Here's a short version. I do still think about my AP - I wish I didn't but I do. I also still think about my dog that died several years ago so does that mean anything? I don't think so. I do still care ABOUT her but not FOR her. I would love to be able to totally run her out of me, but honestly at this point I think she will be some part of me for the rest of my life. I'm not sure that's a bad thing though. I need to always remember what I did so I never ever do it again and my AP was a part of it. 

As far as your H goes, there is no way he can begin to know what his emotions are right now. Again, I never questioned who I really wanted to be with and it took me a year. How long all depends on how strong the emotional bond they had was and the bond you have is, unfortunately though it has more to do with the former. Pay attention to your husbands actions, they will tell you more than his words. If he expresses true remorse, takes ownership of what he did and is willing to be held accountable then you're a long way towards reconciling - at least on his end. Remember, it takes 2 - 5 years to recover from infidelity (a statistic I have come to really believe in) that doesn't apply to just the loyal spouse, it also applies to the cheater if they are remorseful.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

DesperateHeart said:


> Sigma and Dan - You make me want to believe in my H. However, it's only been a week since DDay of PA, so I'm still very much mistrusting! Besides he can't be over the OW yet. At least not completely.
> 
> How long did you get over your AP btw? And do you still "care" for them now?


It took me about 3-4 months to get completely past the fog. Probably took a year to quit caring about her.
Now (2.5 years later), there's nothing there. She really no longer exists except in a bad memory. 

You are right to not trust and not completely believe at this point. However, if you spouse is really working to R, the trust will return.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Dan, glad to hear time eventually buries it. I suspected as much but it's good to hear it confirmed.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Yep, regret it. I don't have the same wife I had prior to the affair. She still loves me but I don't have 100% from her anymore.


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## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

Thanks for the honesty guys.

I wish your answers were different...like you got over it in a month. LOL. 

Just crossing my fingers I can be as understanding and loving as your wives. Today, I just feel like throwing in the towel...


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

DesperateHeart said:


> Thanks for the honesty guys.
> 
> I wish your answers were different...like you got over it in a month. LOL.
> 
> Just crossing my fingers I can be as understanding and loving as your wives. Today, I just feel like throwing in the towel...


So many times I have felt like throwing in the towel. Things have gotten slowly better though, and after 2 plus years I am finally seeing a future. I have been so hurt and angry that I didn't recognize myself, but lately I have let him take the responsibility for his own choices, and set about making a new life for myself. He is not the angel I thought he was. He is a flawed human being, like all the rest of us. If I had been able to see him that way, I might have been able to understand what was going on with us in time to head off disaster. I am a flawed human too though. It's taken all of this time to get to the point where I don't obsess about this constantly, and have gotten back to being me. Good luck to you.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Never cheated, but here is my take on it.



NatashaYurino said:


> Do you trully regret cheating?


I don't care if they regret it or not. I will not stay with a cheater.




> I am having a hard time believing cheaters really regret what they did


They regret they got caught. They cheated because they wanted to cheat. They wanted that thrill, excitement. And I don't believe that desire to be with different people, for a cheater, will go away. Once a cheater, always a cheater to me, whether they actively cheat again or not.



> How did you feel about damaging your relationship and how did you show it to your loved one that you were regretful of your choices?


IF I were to stay with a cheater, which I wouldn't, the only thing they could do is basically put themselves on house arrest. No girls night out, no going out for drinks after work, etc.

But I don't want to be that kind of person, so just best to leave a cheater behind.



> I mean no disrespect to people who have cheated


Its ok if they end up being disrespected, because they already are disrespectful.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Life's not black and white and to treat it as such is a luxury.


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## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> Its ok if they end up being disrespected, because they already are disrespectful.


I have to completely disagree with this one. I believe that there is no reason to disrespect anyone, no matter how much hurt they've piled on you. Everyone, cheater or not, still deserves to be respected as a person. Can't stay with a cheater? That's fine. I thought I too would not (still not sure how things'll work out even now). But to say it's ok for them to be disrespected is just wrong. As they say, "two wrongs don't make a right".

Just saying.


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## Thruhellandback (Jan 8, 2012)

I cheated and seeing him in such pain....knowing I was the cause....has changed me forever. I am broken and will never be the same person. It has given me more compassion for people and that in turn has helped me reach out and make a difference in other people's lives.

SOmeone asked me on this website but I can't remember who:
You said in your entry: 'I went ahead with the affair being concious of what it could do to him.' She thought I was admitting to being some kind of sadistic psychopath. In reality, what I mean was I was much worse than any his putdowns and cold dismissiveness. His was partly out of habit of being an executive. He was used to being blunt and saying when something p*issed him off to people's faces without softening his words or his face. With the years and me allowing him to speak to me that way, he didn't realise the full extent of the damage to my self worth.
Now there were other issues but at the end of the day I know that he was being extremely insensitive and he took me and my love for granted. Me on the other hand, I knew the risks of my affair and did it anyway. My transgression is much worse. 

So yeah I regret every second of it. It caused me and my family nothing but grief. We have been given a second chance though and every day that God brings me I endeavour to redeem myself.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> They regret they got caught.


Not everyone gets "caught."

Thruhellandback: It sounds like you are excusing away your husband's bad behavior/insensitivity/mistreatment of you. Someone who is insensitive/cold/mean/rude to their spouse is doing it willfully and on purpose.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I had a brief e/a p/a, so maybe I'm a bit different in terms of how long it took me to get over it. It ended last year in Feb. and by June I would say, I was completely done with the feelings I had for OM. I started to have hatred for him, and realized what a piece of work he really was. He was a liar, a cheater etc. just like I was, how could I respect someone like that. He was also a serial cheater big time. I'm not even sure why I was attracted to him (except physically), I was so needy at the time I suppose.

What did last a long time was my denial of the impact it had on my husband, and that I really needed to show him I was commited to the marriage...I think I just wanted to rug sweep the whole thing.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

DesperateHeart said:


> I have to completely disagree with this one. I believe that there is no reason to disrespect anyone, no matter how much hurt they've piled on you. Everyone, cheater or not, still deserves to be respected as a person. Can't stay with a cheater? That's fine. I thought I too would not (still not sure how things'll work out even now). But to say it's ok for them to be disrespected is just wrong. As they say, "two wrongs don't make a right".
> 
> Just saying.


Funny, I thought respect was earned and not just freely given out.:scratchhead:

So are you telling me there isn't anyone you do not have respect for? You have respect for bin Laden? Casey Anthony? Jeffrey Dahmer?

Come on, I don't believe there isn't anyone you do not respect. And no, not everyone deserves respect, much less those that go around disrespecting people for no other reason than pure selfishness.


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