# He is a superstar, I am a....?



## Aliya17 (Apr 23, 2018)

We've been married for 2 years and my husband is a great man. But when we meet new people he usually dominates the conversation, because he has something to say about everything. He will recognize the authors, or people, or he can easily relate to the career sphere, or the hobby we are talking about, and I just sit there quietly... Then those people we meet together become more close with him, because I don't even have a chance to jump in with something to say.

He is a great person and I love him, but I think he feels like he always needs to lead the conversation and fill in the silent seconds, so I feel like I don't have a chance to introduce myself or just ask questions, or share a funny story because chances are he already did.

He will usually introduce me and say facts about me and us, or relationship etc. in a very friendly and professional manner. It's not like he is ignoring me at all. But I am not a shy introvert, and just want to be able to lead conversations myself for once.

Also, a lot of times, because he is the one asking or talking, others usually look at him during the conversation so I feel completely left out and lose interest and stay silent. I feel straight up disrespected...

How to deal with that? Does it all sound crazy to anyone? Just asking him about does not help, because he cannot help it, he loves people and will become almost unnaturally bubbly when a stranger is around or even someone we know, and it annoys me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like he dominates the conversation. Do the other people you are with get a chance to say anything? Or does he just shut everyone down?

How old are the two of you?

It sounds like you are being very passive. Is this normal for you? 

In this conversations, are there things that you want to say but he is talking so much you cannot get a word in?


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

Asking him about it?

How about sitting him down, with the provision that he keeps quiet whilst you say your piece and voice your concerns...?

If he can't keep quiet for 10 minutes then he doesn't respect you.

If he cannot at least TRY to look at it from your perspective he is too wrapped up in himself and views your concerns as secondary


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## Aliya17 (Apr 23, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> It sounds like he dominates the conversation. Do the other people you are with get a chance to say anything? Or does he just shut everyone down?
> 
> How old are the two of you?
> 
> ...


Yes, other people get a chance depending on how extroverted they are. If they are extroverts then it's just a fun long conversation sharing interesting things, and getting to know each other closely. If they are more shy- he takes lead and he is good at that. He read a lot of books on how to make friends and make people feel loved. Aside from books, he also has rich experiences which I don't so much. And things like this make me realize I am "behind" and I feel like anything I say is not gonna be cool like that. He is 40 (I am 33), former military pilot, been on a ship, flew jets, been to different countries and has a lot to share. 
It is not normal for me to be passive, I always felt like fish in the water in big parties with strangers, it has never been a problem. I just think since I started noticing he is dominating every time we meet people, I lose interest and don't compete. It makes me feel I don't have much to say because how can I beat his jet flying experience or 4 months on a destroyer or living like a king with a personal chef or tailor once on such and such island etc???  I am a country girl, lived in one country all my life, I traveled a lot but it all sorta fades after his stories... And all the couples we meet end up being his close friends and not mine. Even the wives.


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## Aliya17 (Apr 23, 2018)

Luminous said:


> Asking him about it?
> 
> How about sitting him down, with the provision that he keeps quiet whilst you say your piece and voice your concerns...?
> 
> ...


I have gently let him know that he acts a little different when people are around. But that is who he is, it's hard to change when you are 40. 
He has a goal almost every time we are out to meet someone and become friends. Sometimes it annoys me and I don't support, that is why I am silent. Sometimes even if I don't mind, they still become HIS friends. When I say something either they all don't hear me talking, or talk about something else, or pay attention to each others questions first and then say ' what did you say"


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He's a performer and you are a member of his audience. If I don't like a show, I get up and leave. If I've seen a show before, I change the channel.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@Aliya17 , why do you feel the need to be by his side. I would meet people when you arrive, then go off and make your own friends and strike up conversations with others at the gathering. If you are sitting at a table strike up a conversation with the person on either side of you. There's ways and means of taking the attention of your H, I think perhaps you are feeding into this as nothing is stopping you of doing any of these things. Some people are domineering and I am sure there are people in these groups who would like to have a more two way conversation, you just have to find them and act and stop being in his shadow.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

aine said:


> I think perhaps you are feeding into this


Yes.

I stay at home and do my work. I let my wife go off to partying and socializing and wasting her life and energy, if that's what she wants to do with it. I have nothing to say to them, and they have nothing to say to me, that is of any mutual benefit or value.



aine said:


> Some people are domineering and I am sure there are people in these groups who would like to have a more two way conversation


I've been able to develop close conversation with three men out of our large extended family. I go to the gatherings when they are coming. The others, I simply avoid.
I actually enjoy going to our son's house, mainly because he is a busy man and has things to do, he makes sure the party gets over in 2 hours max. He sees things like I do, that this is ok to do once or twice per year, but not to occupy any large portion of his time budget.


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## Aliya17 (Apr 23, 2018)

aine said:


> @Aliya17 , why do you feel the need to be by his side. I would meet people when you arrive, then go off and make your own friends and strike up conversations with others at the gathering. If you are sitting at a table strike up a conversation with the person on either side of you. There's ways and means of taking the attention of your H, I think perhaps you are feeding into this as nothing is stopping you of doing any of these things. Some people are domineering and I am sure there are people in these groups who would like to have a more two way conversation, you just have to find them and act and stop being in his shadow.


Most of the time this occurs let's say on the beach, at the restaurant or a house party where there is not many other people. Otherwise it would be very easy to just leave and meet on my own, which I've done before, and it goes fine.

This is like going to a friend's house and that friend has other friends -a couple- over. And we don't know this couple and trying to meet them and talk. Or even if it is a solo person. When he talks he is genuinely trying to get to know people, not to boost his ego. And that is the thing, if I knew it's all an ego issue, I would stop feeding that a long time ago. 

I think I am starting to develop a complex and the activity that I loved doing, slowly becoming intimidating due to husband's 110% success and my almost 100% failure. 

Back when we were dating he was introducing me to his friends or talking about introducing, and he was thinking that I will be great friends with his best friend's wife, and that they will love me and all that. But actually, none of those wives befriended me or "loved" me like we expected. I was the one always initiating a conversation or a text message. Some ignored it, some answered, but I never felt completely "accepted" in the old friend's wive club. He still does not get it.


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## Aliya17 (Apr 23, 2018)

TJW said:


> Yes.
> 
> I stay at home and do my work. I let my wife go off to partying and socializing and wasting her life and energy, if that's what she wants to do with it. I have nothing to say to them, and they have nothing to say to me, that is of any mutual benefit or value.
> 
> ...


That would be an option, but I like doing things together and I actually enjoy meeting people. Also, he is going to a plenty of business trips and men retreats or men's brunch/beer time, so I can't just always avoid his presence or chose a different activity from him. We are a family, we have to spend time together and I like when we do. 

I have told him before, but he refused to admit or did not even remember a single time when he ignored my questions and jump into the other person's story or something like that. He straight up says I did not hear you. Usually we are sitting side by side, so this baffles me. How can you not hear your wife but hear very well but the other person said across the table?!


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## Aliya17 (Apr 23, 2018)

Luminous said:


> Asking him about it?
> 
> How about sitting him down, with the provision that he keeps quiet whilst you say your piece and voice your concerns...?
> 
> ...


Thank you Luminous, but believe me, when we are out or we have people over he almost changes. He gets this flow of energy and starts talking a little louder, laughing and just super bubbly almost looks fake. I've asked him about it, says he is not an introvert and he loves people and so becomes this way. And I get it, not often you get the same way when it's just you and your wife whom you know so well. I don't want to rain on his parade or make him feel like this is a bad thing, because he is not. People love it, they feel welcomed, they feel cared for and remember those days as very interesting and fun. The only problem is I feel that I can't participate.

My husband is a great guy, and I am not ashamed of him, but I also want people to notice me and get to know me, become closer with me and not only through my husband & view me not as the funny/charming/smart/experienced veteran's wife, but as me myself. 

Because of this I am not very happy about introducing him to my friends, these are just some handful of people I've known before him and I want to have my little oasis where people are interested in my life.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I'm like your husband and I had to learn, sometimes awkwardly, to pull back sometimes.

It took a long time and I still sometimes slip but Mrs. Conan has been patient with me. She has awkwardly inserted herself into the conversation sometimes and I was thrown off my stride. I was annoyed until I started to realize what she was experiencing. We have been together for nearly 29 years and it took me a long time to get it through my head what was happening because Mrs. Conan tried to talk but had a lot to learn about communicating with me.

Hopefully your husband can pick up on the fine art of understanding "Sometimes less is more".


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I've been in your situation. I had a boyfriend who everyone thought was great. He had lots of interesting hobbies and was quite a charmer. I am quite gregarious and friendly. I am no wallflower. But people gravitated to him because he was more interesting. It wasn't even a competition. It was just who we are.

Your husband needs to show you respect and step aside every so often to let you get a word in and allow people to get to know you. You two should tag-team in social situations,not one partner dominate the social activity, as he does. And eventually, people will tire of his stories and obvious domination of the conversation and not letting you in. It's a libido killer for me when a partner does that. Respect , on the other hand, will get you all kinds of fun things from me.

Sit him down (again) and tell him how heavily this affects you. If he still doesn't get it, I would start to decline the invitation to accompany him to these events. When he asks why, remind him of your conversation.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Aliya17 said:


> I have told him before, but he refused to admit or did not even remember a single time when he ignored my questions and jump into the other person's story or something like that. He straight up says I did not hear you. Usually we are sitting side by side, so this baffles me. How can you not hear your wife but hear very well but the other person said across the table?!


This sounds simplistic, but do you speak too quietly?

Regarding how others treat you, look at how you participate in the conversation. Do you sound timid or unsure of yourself? Ideally people would still be interested, but when they're focused on what's being said and what they want to say, people can get lost.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Aliya17 said:


> That would be an option, but I like doing things together and I actually enjoy meeting people. Also, he is going to a plenty of business trips and men retreats or men's brunch/beer time, so I can't just always avoid his presence or chose a different activity from him. We are a family, we have to spend time together and I like when we do.
> 
> I have told him before, but he refused to admit or did not even remember a single time when he ignored my questions and jump into the other person's story or something like that. He straight up says I did not hear you. Usually we are sitting side by side, so this baffles me. How can you not hear your wife but hear very well but the other person said across the table?!


So. maybe if you turned on a recorder during some of these get togethers during the conversations, and then play back instances where he does this, it may be enlightening to him. It may show how much he is dominating the conversation.
Did you ever tell him flat out to leave space in the conversation so that YOU can jump in with comments?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

can others jump in the conversation, or they are out too?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Aliya17 said:


> Yes, other people get a chance depending on how extroverted they are. If they are extroverts then it's just a fun long conversation sharing interesting things, and getting to know each other closely. If they are more shy- he takes lead and he is good at that. *He read a lot of books on how to make friends and make people feel loved.*


If he's read a lot of books on how to make friends and make people feel loved he has not been understanding what the books are trying to teach. The idea is not to dominate the discussion and ask people questions about themselves. Instead it sounds like he talks a lot about himself and what a great person he is and what great adventures he's had. A person who does that becomes a bore very quickly.

There is a very easy strategy to making friends and making people feel loved, or at least good about themselves. You talk about them. You ask them about their opinions and their experiences. It does not sound like that's what he's doing at all. Instead it's all about wonderful him. While people might find that interesting at first, over time they will get to feeling the way you do.



Aliya17 said:


> Aside from books, he also has rich experiences which I don't so much. And things like this make me realize I am "behind" and I feel like anything I say is not gonna be cool like that. He is 40 (I am 33), former military pilot, been on a ship, flew jets, been to different countries and has a lot to share.


When he meets people does not mostly talk about himself, all his adventures, and shows off things that he knows?

On this thread, you seem to mostly be talking about new people he meets. How many long-term friends does he have?

How many long-term friends do the two of you have as a couple? Do you two go out and socialize with these long term friends?



Aliya17 said:


> It is not normal for me to be passive, I always felt like fish in the water in big parties with strangers, it has never been a problem. I just think since I started noticing he is dominating every time we meet people, I lose interest and don't compete. It makes me feel I don't have much to say because how can I beat his jet flying experience or 4 months on a destroyer or living like a king with a personal chef or tailor once on such and such island etc???  I am a country girl, lived in one country all my life, I traveled a lot but it all sorta fades after his stories... And all the couples we meet end up being his close friends and not mine. Even the wives.


I agree with the other posters who are saying that if he is dominating the conversation, just walk away and go find other people to talk to.

He's putting on a performance. Does he basically tell the same stories to each new person/group that he meets?

If at all possible, you might want to go to some individual counseling to learn to be more assertive with him. For example you could talk to him and tell him that you feel that you cannot engage in the conversation because he shuts you down. That you would like for there to be a signal, like you touch his elbow. And when you do that he stops talking and allows you to say what you have to say.

How did you meet this man? How long did you date him before you married him?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Aliya17 said:


> I have gently let him know that he acts a little different when people are around. But that is who he is, it's hard to change when you are 40.
> He has a goal almost every time we are out to meet someone and become friends. Sometimes it annoys me and I don't support, that is why I am silent. Sometimes even if I don't mind, they still become HIS friends. When I say something either they all don't hear me talking, or talk about something else, or pay attention to each others questions first and then say ' what did you say"


When you say that they become his friends, do you mean that they become people who you two hang out with, or that he socializes with on a regular basis? Or are these people that he just is 'friends' with when he meets them and talks to them. But you two don't see them again?


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

Your husband acts one way with you and another way with new people in a group setting. I suggest your husband is confident with you, and significantly less confident with the new folks. A long time ago I was trained as a professional negotiator. One of the most difficult negotiations is a "Zero Sum Game" with more than 4 participants. I'll skip the theory, but one technique taught is called "bringing people in". This is a skill and it takes practice to do it well. You look for the person in the group that presents a non-verbal cue and you interject a topical but open-ended question directly to that person. Might it be possible to share a cue with your husband to let him know you wish to be brought in?

Husband: I remember a time my unit was shearing camels in the Middle Est to make blankets for the local tribesmen. Camel hair everywhere!
Guest: I once witnessed a sheep shearing on a farm in downstate Vermont ... those little devils are fast!
<*Aliya17 smiles/winks or steps on husband's foot>*
Husband: Aliya1 once told me about her time on a farm with .... (needs to be on topic or tangential)

Good luck and kindest regards!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Aliya17 said:


> He straight up says I did not hear you.


He probably didn't because you sit in the balcony (the cheap seats where the unimportant people sit) and he's playing to the front row where the VIPs sit.



Aliya17 said:


> The only problem is I feel that I can't participate.


You can't because that isn't your role. You're part of the audience or the scenery or a prop. The only reason you're there is to give him opportunity to perform which if he were solo probably wouldn't exist.



Aliya17 said:


> My husband is a great guy, and I am not ashamed of him, but I also want people to notice me and get to know me, become closer with me and not only through my husband & view me not as the funny/charming/smart/experienced veteran's wife, but as me myself.


Then you'll need to do this when he isn't around. He is the center of attention and the star of the show.



Aliya17 said:


> Because of this I am not very happy about introducing him to my friends, these are just some handful of people I've known before him and I want to have my little oasis where people are interested in my life.


Couples generally have 3 friend groups: his, hers & theirs. When with his - wife takes a backseat; when with hers - husband takes a backseat. When with theirs - they interact according to the shared interests. You're afraid that if you include him with your friends that he'll hog the conversation and again put himself at center stage with you on the periphery.

Just because he 'loves' people doesn't give him the right to treat you like an accessory. When meeting new people, suggest that he share 'we' stories rather than 'I' stories. That at least acknowledges your existence. People ignore you because he ignores you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Aliya17 said:


> Yes, other people get a chance depending on how extroverted they are. If they are extroverts then it's just a fun long conversation sharing interesting things, and getting to know each other closely. If they are more shy- he takes lead and he is good at that. He read a lot of books on how to make friends and make people feel loved. Aside from books, he also has rich experiences which I don't so much. And things like this make me realize I am "behind" and I feel like anything I say is not gonna be cool like that. He is 40 (I am 33), former military pilot, been on a ship, flew jets, been to different countries and has a lot to share.
> It is not normal for me to be passive, I always felt like fish in the water in big parties with strangers, it has never been a problem. I just think since I started noticing he is dominating every time we meet people, I lose interest and don't compete. It makes me feel I don't have much to say because how can I beat his jet flying experience or 4 months on a destroyer or living like a king with a personal chef or tailor once on such and such island etc???  I am a country girl, lived in one country all my life, I traveled a lot but it all sorta fades after his stories... And all the couples we meet end up being his close friends and not mine. Even the wives.


But he can't make *you* feel loved? 

He needs to work on that. And damn quickly.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Aliya17 said:


> We've been married for 2 years and my husband is a great man. But when we meet new people he usually dominates the conversation, because he has something to say about everything. He will recognize the authors, or people, or he can easily relate to the career sphere, or the hobby we are talking about, and I just sit there quietly... Then those people we meet together become more close with him, because I don't even have a chance to jump in with something to say.
> 
> He is a great person and I love him, but I think he feels like he always needs to lead the conversation and fill in the silent seconds, so I feel like I don't have a chance to introduce myself or just ask questions, or share a funny story because chances are he already did.
> 
> ...


There are times in a bar when I have been slightly ill at ease in a bar, tired etc.
Those are the times when I am most likely to be entertaining a group of strangers at a bar. I am rather good at it and it allows me to take control of the situation in my own terms. 
That does not make it OK, but it might be what is happening (you would know better than me).


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Trying to figure out how you will have more fun in conversations, there are 3 parties to concern ourselves with. You, H, and everyone else(EE). 
How do you think your contributions to the conversation are? Do you think you speak in a way you'd like others to speak? Do you come off as nervous or timid? It's not surprising if you do, but it could be undermining you.

About your H, how does he treat you in conversations? It sounds like he is good at engaging others, but sometimes we are less considerate to those we know than we are to strangers. Does this apply? If he interrupts you more than others, tactfully call him on it, preferably one-on-one.

As for EE, here you have the least control. If they are more inclined to chat up H b/c of his past than you, that is unfortunate but there's only so much either of you can do. H will have some ability to redirect to you, aka "pass you the ball", but this isn't always easy to do especially if the conversation is fast-paced.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> People ignore you because he ignores you.


This is a good point. OP, how have you addressed this with him?

My husband and I are both typically more extroverted than introverted, however, in our dynamic he does engage more readily than I do. Which is through his genuine interest of others. And that does warm others to him. I couldn't say that he dominates conversations; he's good at asking questions, listening, and engaging about various topics. Out of the two of us, it's more common for him to lead conversations. However, he typically does remain inclusive of me. Although, where I have wanted to jump into the conversation, I have stroked my husband's arm. That's caused him to turn to me and pause. Then I have said that I wanted to also add/ask ...blah blah... and inserted myself to the conversation.

In saying that, I have noticed that I behave slightly differently _without_ our dynamic. Examples: invited by one girlfriend to attend with a bunch of other women I didn't know. And guess who was then asking questions, and readily engaging to get to know others? Yeah - twas this kitty-cat, that's who. Next time I saw that group of women with husbands present, the women instantly shared hugs and rapport with me... and we introduced the husbands. While that may be slightly different, being a same-gender social setting, another instance was a (new) group-setting and seated at a restaurant. Hubs and I next to one another. He spoke to more people, including the couple next to him. I was more in conversation with just the couple the other side of me. We ended up becoming good friends with both couples. That side of my personality is there. In our dynamic though, I'll be more quiet first, then warm-up but I also enjoy listening to the conversations. Whereas, errands to a cafe and such, he's more likely to learn of the people around him... whereas in those settings, I'm more transactional.

With one couple though... I did feel quite ignored by the other wife, even though I was part of the conversation. I mentioned it to hubs; he hadn't noticed. Next time we met up, he did notice. And he consciously looked to me more in the conversation, and at select times would suggest, 'Hearts probably has some good thoughts around this, as she has experienced... what would you think of this?' It felt good to me that he recognized it and then adapted.

So I'm wondering how your husband has responded when you raised how you feel?
And, what you could do differently / how you could include yourself more - to switch up this dynamic?


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## Aliya17 (Apr 23, 2018)

SpinyNorman said:


> This sounds simplistic, but do you speak too quietly?
> 
> Regarding how others treat you, look at how you participate in the conversation. Do you sound timid or unsure of yourself? Ideally people would still be interested, but when they're focused on what's being said and what they want to say, people can get lost.


I don't speak quietly, but not too loud either. I mean, when there is 2-3 people talking in a noisy room he can hear conversations from across the table but not me who is usually very next to him. That's not that he does not hear me, more like he focuses on other's conversations, so he hears them instead. I thought it's okay, we talk at home the whole time so when go out with others, we can allow over selves to be dissolved a little in something else, after all we went there to socialize. But it started getting to my nerves and he apologizes and says he did not hear me. How can I say why you did not hear me? 

Regarding the second questions: this repeating pattern might have changed my confidence. It was never a problem, I hold some public speaking events and presentations and those skills of mine are quite good. But maybe I just sense failure upfront and don't get too deep.


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## Aliya17 (Apr 23, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> When you say that they become his friends, do you mean that they become people who you two hang out with, or that he socializes with on a regular basis? Or are these people that he just is 'friends' with when he meets them and talks to them. But you two don't see them again?


Yes, they become people we both hang out with, but they mostly talk to him. Or when they need something they always text or ask _him_, regardless of gender, although it may very well be something that I know also. They either see him as a leader/barrier or see me as a boring person? or it's just easier since they know he talks more and steps in every time.


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## Aliya17 (Apr 23, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> When he meets people does not mostly talk about himself, all his adventures, and shows off things that he knows?


No, he starts with asking questions, it is just that no matter what topic the person is interested in my husband can easily relate or has some information about it, and thus they just click. Even if it is a show they watched, or a book they both read or an author they both seem to like.



EleGirl said:


> On this thread, you seem to mostly be talking about new people he meets. How many long-term friends does he have?


Same with long term friends, especially because they all have inside jokes or things they all know about. They've shared life at some point that I was not a part of and I can't seem to fit in.



EleGirl said:


> How many long-term friends do the two of you have as a couple? Do you two go out and socialize with these long term friends?


We have about 3-4 couple friends that are mutual, and a bunch of singles mostly from his side. We go out with them a lot, he is a people's person and loves being around them.



EleGirl said:


> He's putting on a performance. Does he basically tell the same stories to each new person/group that he meets?


Not really, he does repeat himself every now and then but it's not a pitch he uses with everyone.



EleGirl said:


> How did you meet this man? How long did you date him before you married him?


We worked together and went to church together, that's where we got to know each other.


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## Aliya17 (Apr 23, 2018)

Aliya17 said:


> We worked together and went to church together, that's where we got to know each other.


Sorry, my quotes did not work :/


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## Aliya17 (Apr 23, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> So. maybe if you turned on a recorder during some of these get togethers during the conversations, and then play back instances where he does this, it may be enlightening to him. It may show how much he is dominating the conversation.
> Did you ever tell him flat out to leave space in the conversation so that YOU can jump in with comments?


Yes, he brings out topics that mostly interest him and he is well equipped to carry on a conversation because of that. 
I have not see a person just like him among his friends, it almost seems like people of the opposite type are attracted to him and love listening to him. That is why nobody thinks his stories are boring, repetitive or that he dominates conversations. 

Another thing, I thought girls have something in common, so when you are friends with a couple, then it is natural that wives will be closer friends and husbands will be closer friends than the opposite. But, specifically this one couple we hang out with - the wife seems to click with him way better than with me and they are on the same page when it comes to most topics and discussions. Even if a common questions was asked she is only looking at him and her husband while talking and not looking at me at all (and I like sit next to him). So I feel like the conversation is happening between them and I feel like a third wheel. I think it's disrespectful to do it, because there are ways to non-verbally engage others make them feel included. I don't know, maybe I am just thinking too much, but we are now about to move to a different city, and all I think about is will I be able to make friends or is this pattern will keep repeating?!


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## Aliya17 (Apr 23, 2018)

WandaJ said:


> can others jump in the conversation, or they are out too?


Others do jump and find him fascinating. All the people we meet in gatherings stay in contact with him, not me  even females.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Aliya17 said:


> Sorry, my quotes did not work :/


I fixed it. If you open your post for "edit" (see the three dots at the top right of the post) you can see how I broke up my quoted post so that your reply to each paragraph is displayed correctly.


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## Aliya17 (Apr 23, 2018)

heartsbeating said:


> This is a good point. OP, how have you addressed this with him?
> 
> So I'm wondering how your husband has responded when you raised how you feel?
> And, what you could do differently / how you could include yourself more - to switch up this dynamic?


Hmm, very interesting how you described it. I think it's good mix of personalities and I do want my man to lead and not look at my mouth if he wants to say something or talk to people on his own. He does ask me questions or suggests that I answer something, but it's like a back vocal in his performance. 

He gets all the attention, people gravitate towards him. And that is just how he is, probably even if he did not try. Another thing that may cause it is he is super friendly, like ultra friendly, and with females too. So I don't know if that feeds their ego (single or married, does not matter), and they feel attention and think it's something else and gravitate towards him, or what. With men- he is probably the man they wanted to be in some way (manly, tall, financially stable, experienced, big friend group, diverse hobbies bla bla bla). And this happens almost all the time, and I feel left out. I don't put on a fake smile or friendliness, I do like taking my time before getting deep in a relationship. I am NOT super -uber friendly with other men to the point that it may look like flirting, so maybe that is why.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Aliya17 said:


> 2 years and my husband is a great man. But when we meet new people he usually dominates the conversation, because he has something to say about everything. He will recognize the authors, or people, or he can easily relate to the caree


Ok I note the age difference is only 7 years and he has had quite an exciting career.
Was he married before?


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## Aliya17 (Apr 23, 2018)

SpinyNorman said:


> Trying to figure out how you will have more fun in conversations, there are 3 parties to concern ourselves with. You, H, and everyone else(EE).
> How do you think your contributions to the conversation are? Do you think you speak in a way you'd like others to speak? Do you come off as nervous or timid? It's not surprising if you do, but it could be undermining you.
> 
> About your H, how does he treat you in conversations? It sounds like he is good at engaging others, but sometimes we are less considerate to those we know than we are to strangers. Does this apply? If he interrupts you more than others, tactfully call him on it, preferably one-on-one.
> ...


EE is more inclined to get to know my husband, that is a fact 
H treats me okay, his questions and target is on others and I don't know if its because he already knows my opinion about the topic or he is just basically trying to engage with others.

I speak confidently and usually about things I know. I am educated, hard working and not a sit at home wife, so there are things I do. I just stay in his shadow everywhere we go.


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## Aliya17 (Apr 23, 2018)

aine said:


> Ok I note the age difference is only 7 years and he has had quite an exciting career.
> Was he married before?


 No, it's his first marriage so is mine. And, true, his career is way way exciting than mine or an average civilian's... but it also has something to do with his personality. There is so many people out there that do great things that'd leave your jaw open, but you don't even know, because they can't communicate it to you well, they can't "sell" it. On top of everything else he also has like superb qualities when it comes to entertaining a crowd or being the leader.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Aliya17 said:


> it also has something to do with his personality.


It may have everything to do with his personality, and yours. Wow, do I ever know the sting of that. I was in the music business all of my life. I have seen people of mediocre talent and ability make large successes, get lots of opportunities, because they were a "salesperson" - and I have seen people who could have been the next Mozart live entire lives in genteel poverty with very few opportunities for success or recognition. Some of them lived and performed as "sidemen" in the shadow of the "salesman". 

The very hardest thing there is - is to hold on to the fact that he didn't "choose" his personality, like you didn't "choose" yours. God chose. Why ? is a question God leaves unanswered, even to His only Son on the cross.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Aliya17 said:


> EE is more inclined to get to know my husband, that is a fact


The public's taste is what it is. There are much uglier examples of people valuing flashy things over more thoughtful things.


> H treats me okay, his questions and target is on others and I don't know if its because he already knows my opinion about the topic or he is just basically trying to engage with others.
> 
> I speak confidently and usually about things I know. I am educated, hard working and not a sit at home wife, so there are things I do. I just stay in his shadow everywhere we go.


Thanks for the added info. 

It sounds like H could do better. It is smart of you to realize it may be b/c he knows your opinion. While that isn't as bad as thinking you're less important than EE, ideally he could ask EE's opinion and then give you a nod or look to give you an opening so you aren't left out.

Sometimes we aren't as fair to those familiar to us as we are to strangers. A popular example is politely asking a waitress to fix a mistake, while being rude to a spouse for a similar mistake.

If you say something, I'd phrase it as "It's great how you get people you don't know talking, I can see how much fun they have. Sometimes I don't know how to get in on that, could you once in a while do for me what you do for them?"


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

SpinyNorman said:


> If you say something, I'd phrase it as "It's great how you get people you don't know talking, I can see how much fun they have. Sometimes I don't know how to get in on that, could you once in a while do for me what you do for them?"


I like this suggestion.

Aliya, based on a few things mentioned: you feeling disrespected and ignored by the other couple/wife; feeling you're in your husband's shadow; and moving cities... how does your husband address when you express that you felt disrespected with the interaction with the other couple/wife? Personally, I'm the sort that would become less inclined / stop hanging out with those people.

Feeling you're in his shadow. Resentment and competitiveness will not feed your marriage. Sometimes when I feel bothered by something, it is typically a result of how I have handled the situation. Could there be room for you to both be superstars, maybe at different times, and complement each other? Granted, maybe he could reel things back and if the wife-friends are texting him, there's opportunity for him to direct them to you instead. Simultaneously maybe there's room for you to try switching up your approach. Perhaps you could start reaching out to them first?

What I do find conflicting in your posts is whether you find him to be genuine - and that has me wondering if you respect how he presents socially. Some posts indicate that his communication 'sells', he's 'fake', an entertainer of sorts. Other posts indicate that others naturally gravitate towards him, and would be that way even if he wasn't trying.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Aliya17 said:


> I thought it's okay, we talk at home the whole time so when go out with others, we can allow over selves to be dissolved a little in something else, after all we went there to socialize.


A light-hearted post for you...


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Aliya17 said:


> Regarding the second questions: this repeating pattern might have changed my confidence. It was never a problem, I hold some public speaking events and presentations and those skills of mine are quite good. But maybe I just sense failure upfront and don't get too deep.


What interests or hobbies do you have? I'm thinking of your confidence here... if you pursue anything for yourself in terms of goals and interests?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Aliya17 said:


> *When he talks he is genuinely trying to get to know people, not to boost his ego. And that is the thing, if I knew it's all an ego issue, I would stop feeding that a long time ago. *


Just because his eyes are sparkling and and he's smiling while he's blabbing incessantly *doesn't* mean it's not an ego thing for him, because it IS.

When someone feels the need to *continually* dominate every single conversion, that just shows how self-important they really are. He thinks everything HE has to say is simply much more important or that his words have more value than anyone else's and apparently, the only ones who CAN get a word in edge-wise are the people who are aggressive enough cut in. Everyone else is merely a prisoner and smiling and pretending to find him fascinating.

I've dealt with guys like him many, many times. They love the sound of their own voice and while I'm smiling and nodding on the OUTSIDE while they're talking non-stop, on the* inside* I'm plotting my own damned death just to get away from him.

You can sugarcoat it all you want but it doesn't change the fact that it has PLENTY to do with his ego. Plenty.


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## Aliya17 (Apr 23, 2018)

heartsbeating said:


> What interests or hobbies do you have? I'm thinking of your confidence here... if you pursue anything for yourself in terms of goals and interests?


I love reading, cooking, painting, making accessories and pottery, photography. I don't have a master's like him, but a BS degree. He always says how smart I am and is very eager to help me to go to college again for a second degree. We are waiting to move first. I hope that will give me a new group of people where I will interact without him and make friends.


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## Aliya17 (Apr 23, 2018)

heartsbeating said:


> I like this suggestion.
> 
> Aliya, based on a few things mentioned: you feeling disrespected and ignored by the other couple/wife; feeling you're in your husband's shadow; and moving cities... how does your husband address when you express that you felt disrespected with the interaction with the other couple/wife? Personally, I'm the sort that would become less inclined / stop hanging out with those people.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your post. I enjoy reading you. 
Honestly I have not brought up the couple wife thing to him. He does not notice anything and he actually thinks we are close friends. She is a very sweet lady, and a great mother. Maybe that is just the way she is?! My H has not noticed that with a lack of eye contact during conversations I'm being left out. If I say something I'd have to really explain, and he will probably think Im exaggerating, which is partially a reason I wrote it here first to see if this is something that would bother others too or just me.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Aliya17 said:


> Thank you for your post. I enjoy reading you.
> Honestly I have not brought up the couple wife thing to him. He does not notice anything and he actually thinks we are close friends. She is a very sweet lady, and a great mother. Maybe that is just the way she is?! My H has not noticed that with a lack of eye contact during conversations I'm being left out. If I say something I'd have to really explain, and he will probably think Im exaggerating, which is partially a reason I wrote it here first to see if this is something that would bother others too or just me.


Do you have a tendency to exaggerate things? 

All I can offer is how this cat of the interwebz handles things. When I felt a certain way around the other wife, I observed at first. And then shared with my husband how I felt. He was more aware with the next interaction and saw what I experienced.

With another couple, I simply find the wife to be too intense and it feels draining. While my husband doesn't feel this himself, and enjoys the conversations, he can understand it. After seeing them several times, and figuring out if I could adjust to her style and connect, decided to just call it with Batman that I wasn't interested in hanging out with her/them anymore. While I can see the positives in her, each time I felt exhausted afterwards. Eh, wasn't a fit for me... and likely not really for her, either. Moving on..!


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Aliya17 said:


> He always says how smart I am and is very eager to help me to go to college again for a second degree. .... I hope that will give me a new group of people where I will interact without him and make friends.


I'm very glad to hear this. Your husband considers you an equal, his conversation-monopolizing is probably due to his personality type, and your tendency to sit in the background may be also.

Having two sets of friends seems, to me,. the best thing y'all could do.

I don't know if you have looked into it, but the *Myers-Briggs Personality Type* revealed quite a bit to me about myself. I also "took the test" for my wife, which makes it somewhat inaccurate, it is a self-test, but I learned a great deal about "us" as a couple and her as a person from it.

I found the test very helpful for me. It gave me far more insight about myself, my struggles, my thought patterns, the way I approached daily and career-associated tasks.

The test revealed to me that whether I was INFP or INTP was hard to discern. I had almost a 50-50 mix of "Feeling" or "Thinking". This told me my own story, why I chose two parallel careers (musician-engineer) - why in both careers, I was a good, but not great performer, I preferred to work alone rather than in a team, and I preferred the "support" role rather than the "lead" role. Why my business did "ok" and provided an average-middle-class living, but wasn't hugely profitable, like some are.

It pointed out in "us" the compatibilities, complimentary traits, and those that are "sandpaper", My wife and I would have made a great team in business with her on sales and me on fulfillment.

We have one set of friends (she is extremely extroverted) and I am extremely introverted, preferring to live in "my own world". It also told me why I had to "take the test" for my wife


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