# Cheating debate, to stay or not to stay



## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

I read a lot on here about a spouse cheating. Some choose immediately to divorce, some choose to stay and try to work it out. Unfortunately a lot of couples end up divorcing. My question is, what r your thoughts on staying if it was a long term affair vs. a one time screw up?
I'm curious about this because my DH cheated ONCE with his sons mother, while dropping him off to her. She jumped him and he just went with it, never could say why. I stayed and it all worked out. He's been faithful since, and yes I have taken steps to be able to know where he is all the time via his phone and go through his phone. I know all passwords and can go through anything at anytime. So it is possible for everything to work itself out, but I'm curious as to what others think about these two different situations and leaving vs staying. Sorry for the novel!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Screw up(bad choice of words), long time affair, sexual, emotional....DOES NOT MATTER...I'm gone. I will be darned to put in 100% of my emotions, time, effort only to have my significant other wandering off to whatever. I really don't care the circumstances.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Remee81 said:


> I read a lot on here about a spouse cheating. Some choose immediately to divorce, some choose to stay and try to work it out. Unfortunately a lot of couples end up divorcing. My question is, what r your thoughts on staying if it was a long term affair vs. a one time screw up?
> *I'm curious about this because my DH cheated ONCE with his sons mother, while dropping him off to her*. She jumped him and he just went with it, never could say why. I stayed and it all worked out. He's been faithful since, and yes I have taken steps to be able to know where he is all the time via his phone and go through his phone. I know all passwords and can go through anything at anytime. So it is possible for everything to work itself out, but I'm curious as to what others think about these two different situations and leaving vs staying. Sorry for the novel!


Your story is a little more complicated than that. Son's mother? That mean's there is ZERO chance he can go no contact with her because of the shared child.

And in a situation where NO CONTACT is not a possibility, you have no choice but to divorce unless you want to continue to be played for a fool. Wise up lady.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

BetrayedDad said:


> Your story is a little more complicated than that lady. Son's mother? That mean's there is ZERO chance he can go no contact with her because of the shared child.
> 
> 
> 
> And in a situation where NO CONTACT is not a possibility, you have no choice but to divorce unless you want to continue to be provided opportunity to be played for a fool.




I do the pick up drop off from then on. She will text him about his son or about child support but that's about it.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Remee81 said:


> I do the pick up drop off from then on. She will text him about his son or about child support but that's about it.


You're not listening. THEY STILL TALK. They are STILL connected because of the child.

How long until she "throws" herself at him again and your dopey husband drops his pants in compliance?

You REALLY want to play warden the rest of your life? Don't you think you deserve better than that?

I don't know why you would title this thread, "Cheating debate".... This one is an absolute no brainer.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Deal breaker for me. I'm gone. This is one thing I will not tolerate, ever. I have trust issues already once its gone its gone for good. There is no coming back. 

I wouldn't do it to him, I would leave first . if you dont want it done to you, dont do it to me.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

BetrayedDad said:


> You're not listening. THEY STILL TALK. They are STILL connected because of the child.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I understand what u r saying, I do. But she has tried, and so failed. He has seething hate for her after they did that. It almost cost him three of his kids and a wife he loves, I quoting here. It took a lot of work, and a long time for trust to build back up. No it won't ever completely be there that would make me an idiot. My inquiry wasn't specific to me or my situation, it's more about is there a difference in feelings of divorce between the two situations? 


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Until it happens to me I refuse to say anything that I definately will or will NOT do. Although I like to think it would be a deal breaker, immediate divorce situation, I share 23 years with my wife and it would not be so easy to just split up and move on. I love my wife dearly. It would be a tough call. 

As for your question, I would tend to see a one-time indescretion as easier to forgive than a long-term affair. Your situation is unique to you and your husband, and although there have certainly been similar stories on here, no two relationships are the same. 

I would refrain from calling your husband "dopey" or any such thing. But, he does need to set boundaries with his ex-wife. They share a child together, so there will be contact. He simply has to make sure he doesn't cross boundaries. 

I am generally pro R if the spouse who cheated puts in the effort to fix themselves and shows remorse. I don't know your whole story. Aside from saying he doesn't know why it happened, has he offered up any indication of remorse or a willingness to work on his boundaries? 

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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

There will always be a connection as a child is involved. It is a matter of Remee accepting since she does not have the ability to make it go away. It is a matter of Remee H to build that trust again and stick to it. 

For me, in this situation...I would have walked. There are just somethings I will not accept. I like to be treated as I treat others.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This is too individual of a thing to assign a right or wrong, good or bad. Staying together after infidelity requires the person who cheated to put in some very serious work for it to work out. Sadly though, it seems that more often than not, they end up doing it again, (or never really stop in the first place) which is why you see so many people pushing betrayed spouses to get out. 

In your case. I remember your H losing his mind over your male friend, while its all hunky dory for him to hang with a female friend. No way in hell would I allow that after he cheated. Double standard hypocrisy.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

This is one issue that's a hard and fast deal breaker for me. I don't care whether it's a one-time event or a long term affair. If a partner cheats on me, I'm gone. My ex-husband's "one-time EA" was eventually revealed to be nearly 21 years of serial cheating. I have zero desire to ever deal with that sort of situation again. I think my ability to extend the benefit of the doubt to an unfaithful partner has simply been permanently exhausted. It may hurt, I may be sad about it, but I'm just neither willing nor able to attempt to save something that the person who professes to love me has chosen to throw away.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

He cheats, HE is gone, not me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Remee81 said:


> I understand what u r saying, I do. But she has tried, and so failed. He has seething hate for her after they did that. It almost cost him three of his kids and a wife he loves, I quoting here. It took a lot of work, and a long time for trust to build back up. No it won't ever completely be there that would make me an idiot. My inquiry wasn't specific to me or my situation, it's more about is there a difference in feelings of divorce between the two situations?


One thing you need to keep in mind is that there are very few people who post on TAM who believe that there should be any reconciliation after infidelity. For the most part, the only solution most who post on TAM will agree with is immediate divorce.

Yet somewhere between 50%-75% of all couples who experience infidelity reconcile. I know a lot of couples who have reconciled after infidelity. Many of them are years, even decades, beyond it. They have good, strong marriages. I've also know many people who post online who have reconciled and who have gone on to have good marriages afterwards. I am a strong proponent for reconciliation because of this. 

Very few people who reconcile their marriages stay on TAM. They leave mostly for one of two reasons... one is that there is little support here for it. Plus, few people stay on TAM after their resolve the initial shock of infidelity. This is especially true if thy are happy in their reconciliation. Most people do not hang out on internet forums like this when things are going good in their lives. TAM is a self selected group of people.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Remee81 said:


> I read a lot on here about a spouse cheating. Some choose immediately to divorce, some choose to stay and try to work it out. Unfortunately a lot of couples end up divorcing. My question is, what r your thoughts on staying if it was a long term affair vs. a one time screw up?
> 
> I'm curious about this because my DH cheated ONCE with his sons mother, while dropping him off to her. She jumped him and he just went with it, never could say why. I stayed and it all worked out. He's been faithful since, and yes I have taken steps to be able to know where he is all the time via his phone and go through his phone. I know all passwords and can go through anything at anytime. So it is possible for everything to work itself out, but I'm curious as to what others think about these two different situations and leaving vs staying. Sorry for the novel!


I think that there are different types of affairs. Long term, ONS, one-time screw up with an ex, and true serial cheaters. Each has it's own unique set of issues. The hardest to reconcile from is a true serial cheater. Then the long term affair. 

It all depends on the couple, the work that they are willing to do to reconcile, and how broken their marriage is.

Remember that every serial cheater started with their first affair. So is the one-time screw up the start of serial cheating? Or is it really a one-time thing? Who knows.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I do see them differently. I see your case as a different case from either.
A one night stand, or drunken mistake, where it is a mistake and real remorse exists, then as a Christian I believe that people can change. I believe there is a chance.
Now a long term affair, or a pattern of cheating is a different thing. It's much more like an addiction, and the chances of a real change are not as good. In fact they are poor.
Your case is a rekindled affair. Where feelings return. This is very shaky ground and you two have handled as well as it can be handled. 

Having pontificated all of that, I have never been in any of those shoes. But as many have said I want to treat people the same way that I would want to be treated, INCLUDING Forging them if I would want to be forgiven. As hard as that may be in reality. Also forgiveness does not necessarily mean that the marriage stays together.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> One thing you need to keep in mind is that there are very few people who post on TAM who believe that there should be any reconciliation after infidelity. For the most part, the only solution most who post on TAM will agree with is immediate divorce.


Respectfully, that's simply not true. 

There are plenty of "R" supporters here. 

Disclaimer: I'm not one of them.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

TX-SC said:


> Aside from saying he doesn't know why it happened, has he offered up any indication of remorse or a willingness to work on his boundaries?
> 
> Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk



Yes he has, lord yes. He has done absolutely anything and everything he can to fix what he did. He is willing to do whatever I need him to do. He has never gotten defensive or angry never put the blame on anyone but himself.



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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I truly believe that the only way you can truly reconcile is to get RID of the cheater. If the cheater has an epiphany and decides their marriage is more important than their cheating, only THEN can you reconcile knowing they really mean it.

So yes, I advocate kicking them out. Almost every single time. But THAT is the best road to R. Let them know you WILL NOT stand for their bullcrap.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Remee81 said:


> I read a lot on here about a spouse cheating. Some choose immediately to divorce, some choose to stay and try to work it out. Unfortunately a lot of couples end up divorcing. My question is, what r your thoughts on staying if it was a long term affair vs. a one time screw up?
> I'm curious about this because my DH cheated ONCE with his sons mother, while dropping him off to her. She jumped him and he just went with it, never could say why. I stayed and it all worked out. He's been faithful since, and yes I have taken steps to be able to know where he is all the time via his phone and go through his phone. I know all passwords and can go through anything at anytime. So it is possible for everything to work itself out, but I'm curious as to what others think about these two different situations and leaving vs staying. Sorry for the novel!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


My 2 cents. It depends on the couple.

In the abstract, I think that a long term affair, is worse as it would involve emotional bonding and perhaps even "love" for another person. A stupid mistake would for me be easier to forgive, it I felt sure that the spouse had truly changed.

There is a TED talk on Monogomish that indicates the a certain marriage counselor tells clients that after an affair of any kind, their marriage has ended. If they want to and are willing on working at it, their next marriage can be with the same persons, but it will be a different marriage by necessity. They many not technically divorce, but they will have to date, woo, build trust, just as they did leading up to their first marriage to each other.

As to your situation. Even if he says he hates his ex, he will always be tied to her via their children and they must have been some good times. That would drive me nuts. He needs to understand how damaging that is to your trust of him. Does he need to be chaperoned every time he drops off or picks up his kids from her? Your his wife not his mother or guardian.

You need to figure out what your boundaries are and let him know what they are and make sure he repents are works at rebuilding trust and never betraying it. 

Good luck.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Remee81 said:


> I read a lot on here about a spouse cheating. Some choose immediately to divorce, some choose to stay and try to work it out. Unfortunately a lot of couples end up divorcing. My question is, what r your thoughts on staying if it was a long term affair vs. a one time screw up?
> I'm curious about this because my DH cheated ONCE with his sons mother, while dropping him off to her. She jumped him and he just went with it, never could say why. I stayed and it all worked out. He's been faithful since, and yes I have taken steps to be able to know where he is all the time via his phone and go through his phone. I know all passwords and can go through anything at anytime. So it is possible for everything to work itself out, but I'm curious as to what others think about these two different situations and leaving vs staying. Sorry for the novel!


I'm pretty hard stance on cheating, BUT I'm also pretty flexible when it comes to a one-night stand. Especially when it comes to men, who have been known to lead with their other brain. I don't necessarily fault them for that, UNLESS it happens more than once.

But I sure as hell wouldn't put the two of them together alone in a room again, either.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I see it as an entirely personal decision. For some people cheating is unforgivable, for others, not such a big deal. 

For me, its just not that big a deal. If I found out my wife had been having an affair what would upset me is that she was having an affair AND not sleeping with me. Otherwise, if our sex life was good and I found out she had a random affair on a business trip or something, I'd have no trouble forgiving. 

Not saying its OK, but rank it as less serious that say stealing from joint money, undisclosed substance abuse, or in fact long term withholding of sex.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

TX-SC said:


> Until it happens to me I refuse to say anything that I definately will or will NOT do. Although I like to think it would be a deal breaker, immediate divorce situation, I share 23 years with my wife and it would not be so easy to just split up and move on. I love my wife dearly. It would be a tough call.
> 
> As for your question, I would tend to see a one-time indescretion as easier to forgive than a long-term affair. Your situation is unique to you and your husband, and although there have certainly been similar stories on here, no two relationships are the same.
> 
> ...


I agree after being with someone for a long period of Time, its hard. However for me its a complete deal breaker, has always been such. Absolutely no tolerance for cheaters. Once trust is broken there is no getting it back, ever.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I think that there are different types of affairs. Long term, ONS, one-time screw up with an ex, and true serial cheaters. Each has it's own unique set of issues. The hardest to reconcile from is a true serial cheater. Then the long term affair.
> 
> It all depends on the couple, the work that they are willing to do to reconcile, and how broken their marriage is.
> 
> Remember that every serial cheater started with their first affair. So is the one-time screw up the start of serial cheating? Or is it really a one-time thing? Who knows.


And honestly for me, I think in some ways, I would find it more difficult to get over the one night stand. Not only would there be the physical part, it would make it clear they were person with so little self control, so little self discipline, so little self awareness to end up with a whoopsie affair like that? Yikes...not even remotely attractive to me in any way, and not someone I care to devote myself to in a marital relationship.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

I've heard that the pain experienced by the betrayed spouse is almost comparable to the pain experienced from losing a child. 

I think it takes a certain person to be able to overcome that pain and repair their marriage. 

Add to that the WS who refuses to take extraordinary precautions to reassure the BS, like finding a new job if their affair was with a co-worker, or moving if the affair was local...I don't know if all WS fully understand the extreme pain, terror, and trauma they cause to their spouse. And I don't know if a BS can ever fully recover from that. And for me, the emotional component would be impossible to get over. I'd be on high alert anytime my spouse seemed remotely distant. 

I couldn't look at the person who promised to protect, love and cherish me, and forsake all others the same way if they didn't.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Unforgivable.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Why throw good time away reconciling when plenty of bad time has already been squandered, while your cheating spouse unconscionably broke their holy vows by deceptively and having absolutely no problem in seeking out and then lasciviously screwing some other person.

When they come to cheat, IMHO, they just aren't worth it anymore!*


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Remee81 said:


> I read a lot on here about a spouse cheating. Some choose immediately to divorce, some choose to stay and try to work it out. Unfortunately a lot of couples end up divorcing. My question is, what r your thoughts on staying if it was a long term affair vs. a one time screw up?
> I'm curious about this because my DH cheated ONCE with his sons mother, while dropping him off to her. She jumped him and he just went with it, never could say why. *I stayed and it all worked out. He's been faithful since, and yes I have taken steps to be able to know where he is all the time via his phone and go through his phone. I know all passwords and can go through anything at anytime.* So it is possible for everything to work itself out, but I'm curious as to what others think about these two different situations and leaving vs staying. Sorry for the novel!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


It all worked out, really? 

Ok for me the above would not be classed as "all worked out" because a relationship that involves monitoring of a partner to such a degree is not a healthy relationship. 

As for cheating I have zero tolerance but for other reasons to many here. IMHO people that stay with cheaters have low self esteem and it is not how I would choose to live the rest of my life. I am good enough and if a partner showed me via their actions that they didn't think I was then they would be out the door that day.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *Why throw good time away reconciling when plenty of bad time has already been squandered, while your cheating spouse unconscionably broke their holy vows by deceptively and having absolutely no problem in seeking out and then lasciviously screwing some other person.
> 
> When they come to cheat, IMHO, they just aren't worth it anymore!*


I completely agree.There are billions of men and women in the world.If you were unlucky enough to marry a cheat then walk away and meet someone else.Leave the cheater to his or her AP and move on.
I know this is an oversimplification especially if children are involved but I have been on this forum almost a year and I have came to the conclusion that once someone cheats and gets away with it then they just keep doing it.All this talk of voice activated recorders,location apps on phones,gps on cars etc is futile in my opinion.
If you catch your spouse cheating then breakup.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

MrsHolland said:


> It all worked out, really?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I see what u mean, and yeah I do once in a while check up, but for the most part I just know where he is all the time. He calls me from work especially if he's working OT, I think it's to prove he's working even though I didn't ask him for that. But pretty much there isn't time when I am unaware of where he is. As for spying with devices on his car etc. no that would not happen if I was that worried I'd be outta here, done.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Remee81 said:


> I read a lot on here about a spouse cheating. Some choose immediately to divorce, some choose to stay and try to work it out. Unfortunately a lot of couples end up divorcing. My question is, what r your thoughts on staying if it was a long term affair vs. a one time screw up?
> I'm curious about this because my DH cheated ONCE with his sons mother, while dropping him off to her. She jumped him and he just went with it, never could say why. I stayed and it all worked out. He's been faithful since, and yes I have taken steps to be able to know where he is all the time via his phone and go through his phone. I know all passwords and can go through anything at anytime. So it is possible for everything to work itself out, but I'm curious as to what others think about these two different situations and leaving vs staying. Sorry for the novel!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I couldn't stay I think the change in the nature of the relationship would be too much for me. I grew up in a home without a lot of emotional security I will be damned if I am going to willingly live in one like that. I also think for the most part 95% of cheaters are just not worth the effort. I do believe there are certainly levels of cheating a long term affair is worse then a one night stand immediate confession. I would still be worried about his character. How did you find out, how long into your relationship did it happen.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> I completely agree.There are billions of men and women in the world.If you were unlucky enough to marry a cheat then walk away and meet someone else.Leave the cheater to his or her AP and move on.
> I know this is an oversimplification especially if children are involved but I have been on this forum almost a year and I have came to the conclusion that once someone cheats and gets away with it then they just keep doing it.All this talk of voice activated recorders,location apps on phones,gps on cars etc is futile in my opinion.
> If you catch your spouse cheating then breakup.


I agree with your stance on cheating but wanted to point out that investigating can help a betrayed spouse confirm their suspicions when they don't have proof or are being trickle-truthed (it never went physical, it was nothing more than friendship, etc.), and provide evidence to expose to the OM/OW's spouse, for example, which is important since cheaters are notorious for lying. This can help children who are misled to believe that the BS "was paranoid, crazy, overreacting" or that they just "walked away" from the marriage. It can give the BS enough evidence to get the support they need in ending the marriage.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

sokillme said:


> I couldn't stay I think the change in the nature of the relationship would be too much for me. I grew up in a home without a lot of emotional security I will be damned if I am going to willingly live in one like that. I also think for the most part 95% of cheaters are just not worth the effort. I do believe there are certainly levels of cheating a long term affair is worse then a one night stand immediate confession. I would still be worried about his character. How did you find out, how long into your relationship did it happen.




Oooooh how I found out...lord. Well, the moment he left, she knew I was at my ex's giving him his time with the kids and I usually am there a few minutes talking parenting stuff. The ***** called my ex and told him! He immediately told me what happened. I turned around (mortified) and drove home, wanting to run his ass over with the car the whole way. Pulled into the driveway, saw his car and the dogs were outside but no H to be found. Looked in the shed, found a four wheeler missing, strapped my helmet on and went to the woods. Found him sitting on his crying. ****ing crying! He told me everything, and literally begged at my feet not to leave him. I kicked him over, got back on my four wheeler, went home, and drank a bottle of wine. Locked him out for the night. He slept at a hotel our parents manage. He came home the next day after work and we talked for six hours. She then tried to tell me she was pregnant and gave me a pic she found on ****ing google like I'm that dumb! Then later sent me soon pics of my step son (we still had them, she's so stupid) and pretended to be pregnant until it was obvious she wasn't then claimed the baby died....yeah ok. We didn't believe u the whole time.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

sokillme said:


> I couldn't stay I think the change in the nature of the relationship would be too much for me. I grew up in a home without a lot of emotional security I will be damned if I am going to willingly live in one like that. I also think for the most part 95% of cheaters are just not worth the effort. I do believe there are certainly levels of cheating a long term affair is worse then a one night stand immediate confession. I would still be worried about his character. How did you find out, how long into your relationship did it happen.




Oh and it happened three years ago. So long time now. Not a huge amount of time but a while in terms of building trust.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Jessica38 said:


> I've heard that the pain experienced by the betrayed spouse is almost comparable to the pain experienced from losing a child.


I completely get that, completely.

While I understand there is a big difference (in theory) between an ongoing, long term affair and a ONS, and I can see how *perhaps* the ONS may be easier to come back from...in theory....I honestly don't think I could. 

I could perhaps forgive the affair, for my sake (forgiveness is more about me than them), but forget and stay married to him?? I don't think I could.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Remee81 said:


> Oooooh how I found out...lord. Well, the moment he left, she knew I was at my ex's giving him his time with the kids and I usually am there a few minutes talking parenting stuff. The ***** called my ex and told him! He immediately told me what happened. I turned around (mortified) and drove home, wanting to run his ass over with the car the whole way. Pulled into the driveway, saw his car and the dogs were outside but no H to be found. Looked in the shed, found a four wheeler missing, strapped my helmet on and went to the woods. Found him sitting on his crying. ****ing crying! He told me everything, and literally begged at my feet not to leave him. I kicked him over, got back on my four wheeler, went home, and drank a bottle of wine. Locked him out for the night. He slept at a hotel our parents manage. He came home the next day after work and we talked for six hours. She then tried to tell me she was pregnant and gave me a pic she found on ****ing google like I'm that dumb! Then later sent me soon pics of my step son (we still had them, she's so stupid) and pretended to be pregnant until it was obvious she wasn't then claimed the baby died....yeah ok. We didn't believe u the whole time.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yeah, not worth it. Sorry you had to endure such stupidity.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Remee81 said:


> I see what u mean, and yeah I do once in a while check up, but for the most part I just know where he is all the time. He calls me from work especially if he's working OT, I think it's to prove he's working even though I didn't ask him for that. But pretty much there isn't time when I am unaware of where he is. As for spying with devices on his car etc. no that would not happen if I was that worried I'd be outta here, done.


This is what I don't understand.

You're willing to do all the legwork of picking up and dropping off HIS kids from his ex for the next *10 years* (while he sits on his ass at home), yet the thought of a GPS on his car would send you 'outta there?' So becoming his trained monkey and doing HIS job of picking up his kids and dropping them back off because he broke the rules and can't be trusted *isn't *offensive and pitiful to you, yet a spying device _would_ be? :scratchhead:

I'm not a fan of reconciling with a cheater who thought it was ok to disrespect me in the worst possible way, then suddenly proclaim his love and devotion to me only AFTER his sorry ass was caught. If they didn't love and respect me enough not to do it in the *FIRST* place, then their 'love and respect' for me after D-Day just rings completely hollow to me. I'd never settle for that crap.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Remee81 said:


> Found him sitting on his crying. ****ing crying! He told me everything, and literally begged at my feet not to leave him. I kicked him over, got back on my four wheeler, went home, and drank a bottle of wine. Locked him out for the night. He slept at a hotel our parents manage. He came home the next day after work and we talked for six hours. She then tried to tell me she was pregnant and gave me a pic she found on ****ing google like I'm that dumb! Then later sent me soon pics of my step son (we still had them, she's so stupid) and pretended to be pregnant until it was obvious she wasn't then claimed the baby died....yeah ok. We didn't believe u the whole time.


It sounds more like he was having a pity party for himself crying on that rock, because he KNEW she'd tell you what they'd done and he knew he was screwed.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Yeah, you having to do all of the drop off and pick up for his kids plus having to make sure you know where he is all the time?

Sounds exhausting and not worth it. 

Particularly If it's true that he can have female friends but you can't have male friends.

I hope you get a lot out of him to make this worth it.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> This is what I don't understand.
> 
> You're willing to do all the legwork of picking up and dropping off HIS kids from his ex for the next *10 years* (while he sits on his ass at home), yet the thought of a GPS on his car would send you 'outta there?' So becoming his trained monkey and doing HIS job of picking up his kids and dropping them back off because he broke the rules and can't be trusted *isn't *offensive and pitiful to you, yet a spying device _would_ be? :scratchhead:
> 
> I'm not a fan of reconciling with a cheater who thought it was ok to disrespect me in the worst possible way, then suddenly proclaim his love and devotion to me only AFTER his sorry ass was caught. If they didn't love and respect me enough not to do it in the *FIRST* place, then their 'love and respect' for me after D-Day just rings completely hollow to me. I'd never settle for that crap.




If I felt that I had to worry about him cheating to the point that I had to spy like that then I wouldn't find the relationship viable. I don't have to drive him much because after the pregnancy didn't have him running back to her and we moved past it, she hardly lets him come over and has him saying he doesn't "feel safe" at our house. Which is total bull****. So it's not that I'm carting him around constantly and I do it for my comfort, so I don't have to deal with her crazy and manipulative **** with him. I suggested it for that reason. I don't think he would do it again but I don't want to deal with having her arrested when she throws herself at him again. Because she will and he will throw her off of him and that will start of whole lot of ****.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> It sounds more like he was having a pity party for himself crying on that rock, because he KNEW she'd tell you what they'd done and he knew he was screwed.




That's exactly what he was doing, other than the fact that he was also trying to figure out how the hell he was going to tell me what he had just done to "**** up everything he cared about in life"


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Your H says he doesn't feel safe at your house?


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

If both people are historical cheaters, I wholeheartedly believe they should try to reconcile and stay together. Cheaters belong with cheaters, and the faithful belong with the faithful.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

turnera said:


> Your H says he doesn't feel safe at your house?




No his son is saying that, his mother is manipulating him into thinking that and saying that. So taking her to court is futile he won't get visitation.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Jessica38 said:


> I agree with your stance on cheating but wanted to point out that investigating can help a betrayed spouse confirm their suspicions when they don't have proof or are being trickle-truthed (it never went physical, it was nothing more than friendship, etc.), and provide evidence to expose to the OM/OW's spouse, for example, which is important since cheaters are notorious for lying. This can help children who are misled to believe that the BS "was paranoid, crazy, overreacting" or that they just "walked away" from the marriage. It can give the BS enough evidence to get the support they need in ending the marriage.


I understand what you are saying but the question was what would you do if cheating was confirmed.What I meant in my post was people continuously checking up on their spouses for years after the affair was admitted shouldn't waste their lives on a cheat.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

_anonymous_ said:


> If both people are historical cheaters, I wholeheartedly believe they should try to reconcile and stay together. Cheaters belong with cheaters, and the faithful belong with the faithful.


It's a shame people don't come with signs.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

To answer the topic, I'm out and I don't think twice. If you can't not **** someone else while you are married to me...I never want to be with you again.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

hope1964 said:


> i truly believe that the only way you can truly reconcile is to get rid of the cheater. If the cheater has an epiphany and decides their marriage is more important than their cheating, only then can you reconcile knowing they really mean it.
> 
> So yes, i advocate kicking them out. Almost every single time. But that is the best road to r. Let them know you will not stand for their bullcrap.


this


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