# Strange acting wife ??



## MiddleAgedFool

wife is 32, Im 33, been married for 9 year have two kids aged 3 and 6. High school sweet hearts, never broke up never fought and no cheating. I have a degree and she never went to college, has worked as a clerk and or at a bank for about 5 years. So Single income and although we are not poor we definitely don't have the extra money to do a-lot. 

Recently she has been spending more time with her sister and just seams distant, she was on antidepressants for the last few years and has just recently got off them. She had difficulty climaxing and was never interested in sex while on them and i could tell my advances frustrated her. two small kids and staying home all day has to be stressful and tiring but sometimes as soon as i get home she want to leave and we have none to watch kids so im the one that stays with the kids. 

Would the antidepressants throw her in a funk and should i be worried?
When i ask her if we are good she always says yes. Are you happy? Yes


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## bobert

Did she go off the meds cold turkey? That could cause issues. Being unmarried treated for depression could also cause behavior changes. 

Have you asked her why the change in behavior? 

Do you know for sure that she is with her sister (not just her word)? What do they do together? Being a SAHM is hard and she does need to get out as well. How often is "sometimes" in "sometimes as soon as i get home she want to leave"? 

Can her sister babysit so you can go out on a date? They don't have to be expensive. A walk in the park, picnic, museum, local sites to see, walk around a festival, etc.


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## MiddleAgedFool

bobert said:


> Did she go off the meds cold turkey? That could cause issues. Being unmarried treated for depression could also cause behavior changes.
> 
> Have you asked her why the change in behavior?
> 
> Do you know for sure that she is with her sister (not just her word)? What do they do together? Being a SAHM is hard and she does need to get out as well. How often is "sometimes" in "sometimes as soon as i get home she want to leave"?
> 
> 
> 
> Can her sister babysit so you can go out on a date? They don't have to be expensive. A walk in the park, picnic, museum, local sites to see, walk around a festival, etc.


1.She went off cold turkey which i protested too, she stated them after her first child we were already married.

2.Yes, she only says she needs some alone time and the kids make her crazy

3.once a week maybe twice sometimes

4. we did, first time one of the kids got hurt, wife never asked her again


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## Al_Bundy

@Laurentium is the guy who could answer this question.


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## bobert

MiddleAgedFool said:


> we did, first time one of the kids got hurt, wife never asked her again


And the rest of the questions? 

Was the injury due to kids being kids, or was is actually the sisters fault?


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## Laurentium

Antidepressants can definitely cause loss of desire and inability to climax. 

What do you mean about "distant"?


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## MiddleAgedFool

bobert said:


> And the rest of the questions?
> 
> Was the injury due to kids being kids, or was is actually the sisters fault?


Total accident, kids being kids, her sister is in high school so pretty young


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## MiddleAgedFool

Laurentium said:


> Antidepressants can definitely cause loss of desire and inability to climax.
> 
> What do you mean about "distant"?


like usually talk daily, usually she initiates holding hands on the sofa

everything just has been happening a-lot less


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## rugswept

This sounds like her depression is becoming more elevated. You haven't stated if she's been secretive with media, hiding screens, texting a lot on the phone and then these "missing hours" (I am assuming she actually is at her sister's). 

There hasn't been a sudden shift in behavior. She's not dressing differently? Fixated on her looks. Fixated on her weight? It's been more a generally increasing estrangement. This all sounds like advancing depression. Other things seem to be missing here.


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## Al_Bundy

We can only guess here obviously. One possibility is that being a SAHM (or even just a parent) isn't what she thought it would be. I've seen women return to their corporate job not because they need the money or want to climb the ladder, but because they couldn't take being at home with the kids all day anymore.


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## jsmart

I would make doubly sure she’s actually with her sister but her wanting to hang out so much with her 18 year old sister seems odd.

I know many will stress the depression angle but consistently we get threads like yours that end up being about an OM. Has she been upping her appearance? Has she been on the phone a lot? When you mention being distant, is she now no longer willing to have sex or even hug or kiss? Has she also changed with the kids? Wanting to get away from your own 3 year old? I wish so bad to able to relive those days with our kids.


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## Beach123

Where are the kids when she is with her sister?

I’d be checking to see if she is communicating with someone else.


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## DallasCowboyFan

She needs to have her hormones checked. If her estrogen and progesterone are in balance and she has no testosterone, adding a testosterone cream could be a fix. It would also increase her libido. A lot of depressed people have a hormonal imbalance.


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## MiddleAgedFool

rugswept said:


> This sounds like her depression is becoming more elevated. You haven't stated if she's been secretive with media, hiding screens, texting a lot on the phone and then these "missing hours" (I am assuming she actually is at her sister's).
> 
> There hasn't been a sudden shift in behavior. She's not dressing differently? Fixated on her looks. Fixated on her weight? It's been more a generally increasing estrangement. This all sounds like advancing depression. Other things seem to be missing here.


YES I think there are some red flags, let me know what you think

Dyed her hair a different color
dressing up a little more than normal
After years of saying no - she now has a facebook 
she just recently got a couple new tattoos and now wants a "sleeve" 
she has always listened to music but now i notice her listening to it louder and more ofter, car is always blaring loud, never was like that ever


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## Al_Bundy

MiddleAgedFool said:


> YES I think there are some red flags, let me know what you think
> 
> Dyed her hair a different color
> dressing up a little more than normal
> After years of saying no - she now has a facebook
> she just recently got a couple new tattoos and now wants a "sleeve"
> she has always listened to music but now i notice her listening to it louder and more ofter, car is always blaring loud, never was like that ever


We probably seem like a paranoid bunch on here but it doesn't take long to see a ton of similar stories unfortunately.

The sudden switch on facebook is of interest. You said you went to college, but not her. Did you actually go away for college or stayed local?


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## DownByTheRiver

MiddleAgedFool said:


> wife is 32, Im 33, been married for 9 year have two kids aged 3 and 6. High school sweet hearts, never broke up never fought and no cheating. I have a degree and she never went to college, has worked as a clerk and or at a bank for about 5 years. So Single income and although we are not poor we definitely don't have the extra money to do a-lot.
> 
> Recently she has been spending more time with her sister and just seams distant, she was on antidepressants for the last few years and has just recently got off them. She had difficulty climaxing and was never interested in sex while on them and i could tell my advances frustrated her. two small kids and staying home all day has to be stressful and tiring but sometimes as soon as i get home she want to leave and we have none to watch kids so im the one that stays with the kids.
> 
> Would the antidepressants throw her in a funk and should i be worried?
> When i ask her if we are good she always says yes. Are you happy? Yes


She needs a break from the kids. And you are the other parent, so you are who gets to give her a break. She probably feels kind of trapped since she's been married and had kids so young and has no money of her own or no other life besides watching the kids. 

Once the kids are school age, no I suggest you talk to each other and let her go back to work so it improves the money situation and the boredom situation and she has some adults to talk to. 

Being depressed this what can make you not want to do anything or feel like having sex. Antidepressants should help once you find the right ones for you because everyone is different, but there's no way of knowing if sexual desire for you will come back if all that gets straightened out, but obviously she needs to be making sure she's getting treatment for depression and not just stop it and if she's not happy with her meds, as many people are not, it's back to the doctor to change meds or the dosage.


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## jsmart

MiddleAgedFool said:


> YES I think there are some red flags, let me know what you think
> 
> Dyed her hair a different color
> dressing up a little more than normal
> After years of saying no - she now has a facebook
> she just recently got a couple new tattoos and now wants a "sleeve"
> she has always listened to music but now i notice her listening to it louder and more ofter, car is always blaring loud, never was like that ever


Just as I suspected. You need to do some digging here. A few will continue to harp on the depression angle but you have a wife who wants to play single woman. The tattoo, dying of hair, new music interest point to a possible new guy she’s attracted to or is already involved with. 

Like I said in my last post, you better find out exactly where she’s going twice a week and who is there. Even if it’s at her sister’s place, who else is there? A 32 year old woman off of her meds that all of a sudden is acting like she is tired of being a wife and mom, may instead want to play cougar to her sister’s friends.


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## EleGirl

MiddleAgedFool said:


> Would the antidepressants throw her in a funk and should i be worried?


What antidepressants was she on? That can make a difference too.

How long has it been since she stopped taking her meds?


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## MiddleAgedFool

EleGirl said:


> What antidepressants was she on? That can make a difference too.
> 
> How long has it been since she stopped taking her meds?


She has been on them all, been on them for a few years, lexapro, przack, Zoloft


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## dadstartingover

SSRI's and the like are POWERFUL POWERFUL drugs that can dramatically alter a person's behavior. They are notorious for killing sexual desire. Suddenly going off them after years of being on a smorgasbord of drugs? Ooof... good luck.


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## rugswept

MiddleAgedFool said:


> YES I think there are some red flags, let me know what you think
> 
> Dyed her hair a different color
> dressing up a little more than normal
> After years of saying no - she now has a facebook
> she just recently got a couple new tattoos and now wants a "sleeve"
> she has always listened to music but now i notice her listening to it louder and more ofter, car is always blaring loud, never was like that ever


Oh Oh. This is starting to point to someone else. 
Especially if she has "to look nice" before she goes out (especially to her "sisters"). 

There's a very real possibility that this "sister" stuff is a cover story. Make sure she's really been going to her "sister's". Don't bring the sister into it. She might lie. Most relatives are very negative on affairs. I have seen some rah rah relatives as well. 

You are NOT foolish for feeling uneasy. Yes, depression would account for some of her behavior but not this "dressing up" stuff. As people sink into depression they look worse and worse, not better and better. 

Be wary and Good Luck.


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## MiddleAgedFool

yes she just stopped taking the SSRI, we still have sex at least once a week maybe twice. She just acts so care free and like a "f_ck it attitude" lots of solo picts and with her friends drinking on facebook. Im seriously concerned. I wish i could follow her but I have to watch the little ones when she leaves.....she's been talking alot about this guy she's been getting tattoos from. I asked questions and she tells me he is married, 14 years older than her. 🧐


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## Captain Obvious

MiddleAgedFool said:


> yes she just stopped taking the SSRI, we still have sex at least once a week maybe twice. She just acts so care free and like a "f_ck it attitude" lots of solo picts and with her friends drinking on facebook. Im seriously concerned. I wish i could follow her but I have to watch the little ones when she leaves.....she's been talking alot about this guy she's been getting tattoos from. I asked questions and she tells me he is married, 14 years older than her. 🧐


Have you checked your phone records yet? Look for like of calls and texts to an unknown number.


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## MiddleAgedFool

Phone records show she has called and text this guy a few times, when asked she says its about her appointment.


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## Captain Obvious

MiddleAgedFool said:


> Phone records show she has called and text this guy a few times, when asked she says its about her appointment.


Have they texted or called each other right before "visiting her sister?" I'd also see if you could get a look at their texts to each other, and do it discreetly as possible without letting her know.


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## MiddleAgedFool

This weekend, should i press her and or sister on whats going on or should i just continue to collect intel ?


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## re16

MiddleAgedFool said:


> This weekend, should i press her and or sister on whats going on or should i just continue to collect intel ?


I think you need to stay silent on the issue for a little and collect info.

The false confronting or tipping your hand that you are suspicious only makes them hid it better.


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## re16

It is very suspicious that she is really into tattoos suddenly and has contact with this guy. How did she meet him and did she decide to get tatoos only after she met him?

You need to see the texts and try to figure out if she is deleting any.


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## Captain Obvious

MiddleAgedFool said:


> This weekend, should i press her and or sister on whats going on or should i just continue to collect intel ?


I definitely WOULD NOT confront anyone at this point because you don't have anything concrete to confront about. If something is going on, she will only deny it and take it further underground. Stay discreet, keep collecting intel. Again, in your phone records, did you see any communication between your wife and tattoo guy before she was supposed to visit her sister??


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## re16

Do you have find my iphone or life 360 in order to see her location? You need to setup some recon to verify what she is saying is true.


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## mickybill

My XWW started to talk about a new vendor at her work. There were changes,in her dressing up more for her teacher job, nicer hair, yada-yada-yada we got divorced.


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## HappilyMarried1

Sorry for what sounds like changes and issues with your wife @MiddleAgedFool here are some suggestions that are not very expensive at all. If you can see her Facebook check out messenger of it.You can purchase two or three VAR's one for your car one for the living room and bedroom a GPS for your car. I would even when she talks about a tattoo that you might consider one and would like to go with her when she goes and make a date out of it. Next time she is supposed to go to her sisters wait an hour or after she has plenty of time to get there and call her sister and say can you put (wife's name) on the phone some reason I have tried to call her phone but for some reason it won;t go through so I tried yours and its went through. Just some suggestions best of luck.

I know you said you never had a lot of extra disposable income so you might not be able to hire a good PI if so you would probably know something one way or the other in 1 to 2 weeks.


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## Jamieboy

rugswept said:


> You are NOT foolish for feeling uneasy. Yes, depression would account for some of her behavior but not this "dressing up" stuff. As people sink into depression they look worse and worse, not better and better.


Im not saying that there isn't something fishy going on, but I want to correct this point, when I went through a depressive episode, I in fact dressed better and paid more attention to my self care as a way of trying to love myself out of depression. It didn't work all on its own and I spent a good year on ADs but just wanted to say its not the same for everyone


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## Trident

MiddleAgedFool said:


> This weekend, should i press her and or sister on whats going on


That's the biggest mistake a person typically makes in these types of situations. 

You'll get nothing useful from her and just tip her off so she'll be more careful.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

MiddleAgedFool said:


> YES I think there are some red flags, let me know what you think
> 
> Dyed her hair a different color
> dressing up a little more than normal
> After years of saying no - she now has a facebook
> she just recently got a couple new tattoos and now wants a "sleeve"
> she has always listened to music but now i notice her listening to it louder and more ofter, car is always blaring loud, never was like that ever


Danger Will Robinson! Wake up!


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## Evinrude58

Yeah she’s cheating 
Sudden change in behavior
Bad attitude toward you
Unaccounted time
Tattoos suddenly 
Solo pictures

DO NOT ask her anything, or confront
It’s a waste of time and it just lets her know to start covering up evidence.


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## Robert22205

The sudden change in behavior is cause for alarm.

If your wife goes out once or twice a week, that takes money. Does she use a credit card? Who is paying her way or buying her drinks?

How much is a sleeve? Is it free or is she getting a discount (that's a red flag)?
Is she seeking your input (or someone else's) on the sleeve?

How late does she come home?

Human beings are wired to bond emotionally and physically with others. Your wife's behavior could expose her to situations where she thinks she's in control (no intention to be unfaithful) - but suddenly escalates out of control.

I think you need to do whatever you have to verify who's she's in contact with during the day (e.g., voice activated recorder), where she is at night and with whom - and to take better control of the situation. This is not 'controlling' her - but rather you're protecting your marriage.

IMO your wife is on a slippery slope to acting more and more like a single woman which will attract other men. 

You need to establish boundaries. Otherwise your marriage is high risk for infidelity.

I suggest you both read and discuss: "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass. It's based on a study of couples (good people) that experienced infidelity. How it happened and how it could have been avoided.


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## Robert22205

If her sister is in high school, then she's not dressing up to go spend evenings with her sister.

The appearance and age of other men in her life is irrelevant. Affairs are built on fantasy not reality. And often the affair partner is "not their type". Don't act crazy but be alert and verify who she's in contact with, why, and how often.

Do not confront unless you have solid evidence of inappropriate flirty texting, secret texting (deleted texts), meeting other men either as part of a group of women or alone.

Among other things, Facebook (especially the messaging feature) opens the door to other men reaching out to her and flattering her and building a false bond with her. Their compliments/attention become addictive (especially for a bored person at home alone in the daily grind). Basically in order to keep the compliments coming - they agree to meet for coffee, or lunch or just to talk thinking it's harmless and they are in control/just friends (and things escalate from there). 

I understand the need to get out of the house. But IMO drinking with her friends every week is not a healthy escape either for her or her marriage. For example, a healthier option is taking up a hobby/class or even volunteering. 

The hair color and focus on her appearance may well be for herself. However, while drinking with her friends she's attracting the attention of other men (which she probably fines flattering and thinks it's harmless).

I suggest she choose a path (hobby or volunteer) to getting out of the house that allows her to see herself as improving or a better more interesting person or contributing to the greater good - vs feeling sexy, pretty & free (single).


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## Rus47

MiddleAgedFool said:


> *Recently she has been spending more time with her sister and just seams distant, she was on antidepressants for the last few years and has just recently got off them. She had difficulty climaxing and was never interested in sex while on them and i could tell my advances frustrated her.*
> 
> Would the antidepressants throw her in a funk and should i be worried?
> When i ask her if we are good she always says yes. Are you happy? Yes


Yes antidepressants starting, using, stopping all a problem. Yes you should be worried. She isnt dressing up and changing hair color to see her teenage sister. The tattoo parlor is another red flag. She wants the single life while you sit the kids. Either doing the tatoo “artist” or someone who hangs with that crowd. Or maybe both.

Did an MD put her on antidepressants? Why? Why did she stop taking them on her own?

Unfortunately, at this point she is telling you what she needs to get you off of her case.

Not sure the point of playing PI. I know everyone on here always says to not confront. IMO, I would just insist the suspect prove to me there is nothing going on. Life is too short for all of the BS.


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## ABHale

MiddleAgedFool said:


> When i ask her if we are good she always says yes. Are you happy? Yes


She is lying.


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## ABHale

MiddleAgedFool said:


> yes she just stopped taking the SSRI, we still have sex at least once a week maybe twice. She just acts so care free and like a "f_ck it attitude" lots of solo picts and with her friends drinking on facebook. Im seriously concerned. I wish i could follow her but I have to watch the little ones when she leaves.....she's been talking alot about this guy she's been getting tattoos from. I asked questions and she tells me he is married, 14 years older than her. 🧐


Age doesn’t matter, there was a 30 something wife ****ing her 70 something boss.


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## ABHale

When she just leaves, who is she going out with?

Is her sister the one she talks with about the tattoos?

Did she talk with you about any of the changes she has made before hand? Or did she just do it?


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## MiddleAgedFool

Wife was prescribed the pills mostly because of depressions and mood swings after having kids. We dealt with it for years but they affected our sex life and she had no drive so after one time i commented about sex she said **** it i wont take them. I told her to wean herself off them but she just quit taking them. She just didn't get into tattoos recently, she has about 6 already, now 2 or so by this guy. Her sister didn't have anything to do with the tattoos, her mother knows the guy and the two of them went together the first time. Now I find out this guy does the tattoos at his home, the whole time i thought it was at a shop. When she leaves I have to watch the kids, she goes "out" with a couple of her friends that are married. 
This weekend she kept telling me how nice this guy is and how we all need to hang out together.


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## Blondilocks

MiddleAgedFool said:


> When she leaves I have to watch the kids,


Why are you resentful of having to watch your own children for a few hours once or twice a week? They aren't infants and you are their father. It is very unattractive.


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## Evinrude58

she’s letting you watch the kids while she goes to some guy’s home that she describes as “really nice” and texts him quite a bit?
Hmmmm


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## jonty30

Evinrude58 said:


> she’s letting you watch the kids while she goes to some guy’s home that she describes as “really nice” and texts him quite a bit?
> Hmmmm


Exactly,


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## Evinrude58

Don’t confront. Too many red flags and your gut is 99% accurate. So tell me, do you have a job? I was confused when you said she worked at a bank for five years and you have a single income….

If you’re a stay at home dad, just give it up and if she’s not cheating, she will be.

If you do work and support the family, then why are you babysitting while your wife goes off to another guy’s home to get tattoos abd you’re footing the bill? If so, there’s your problem. You are passive and don’t have her respect.


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## jonty30

MiddleAgedFool said:


> Wife was prescribed the pills mostly because of depressions and mood swings after having kids. We dealt with it for years but they affected our sex life and she had no drive so after one time i commented about sex she said **** it i wont take them. I told her to wean herself off them but she just quit taking them. She just didn't get into tattoos recently, she has about 6 already, now 2 or so by this guy. Her sister didn't have anything to do with the tattoos, her mother knows the guy and the two of them went together the first time. Now I find out this guy does the tattoos at his home, the whole time i thought it was at a shop. When she leaves I have to watch the kids, she goes "out" with a couple of her friends that are married.
> This weekend she kept telling me how nice this guy is and how we all need to hang out together.


Can you get her panties tested, when she gets home? 

She likely doesn't do laundry the second she gets home from her outings.


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## syhoybenden

There exists a product called Checkmate which is specifically designed for testing for the presence of semen in undergarments.


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## jonty30

syhoybenden said:


> There exists a product called Checkmate which is specifically designed for testing for the presence of semen in undergarments.


Black light as well, though not as accurate.


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## mickybill

"This weekend she kept telling me how nice this guy is and how we all need to hang out together."

Huge red flag and a bit of a kinky power play on her part to get the two men in her life in the same place. He's a great guy, you'd like him...her single male friend who she hangs out with...
If you question that, she will say don't be stupid he's cool and wants to meet you...of course he does. Maybe he just wants to sell you a tattoo?


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## MiddleAgedFool

Blondilocks said:


> Why are you resentful of having to watch your own children for a few hours once or twice a week? They aren't infants and you are their father. It is very unattractive.


Not resentful at all, just stating that we dont have anyone else to help watch out kids so going "out" together is not very often.


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## MiddleAgedFool

Evinrude58 said:


> Don’t confront. Too many red flags and your gut is 99% accurate. So tell me, do you have a job? I was confused when you said she worked at a bank for five years and you have a single income….
> 
> If you’re a stay at home dad, just give it up and if she’s not cheating, she will be.
> 
> If you do work and support the family, then why are you babysitting while your wife goes off to another guy’s home to get tattoos abd you’re footing the bill? If so, there’s your problem. You are passive and don’t have her respect.


we both had jobs before kids, once we started a family she stayed home and we became a single income household, I work and if she needs to do something I have to watch the kids, no help from family.


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## re16

MiddleAgedFool said:


> Wife was prescribed the pills mostly because of depressions and mood swings after having kids. We dealt with it for years but they affected our sex life and she had no drive so after one time i commented about sex she said **** it i wont take them. I told her to wean herself off them but she just quit taking them. She just didn't get into tattoos recently, she has about 6 already, now 2 or so by this guy. Her sister didn't have anything to do with the tattoos, her mother knows the guy and the two of them went together the first time. Now I find out this guy does the tattoos at his home, the whole time i thought it was at a shop. When she leaves I have to watch the kids, she goes "out" with a couple of her friends that are married.
> This weekend she kept telling me how nice this guy is and how we all need to hang out together.


Do not confront... you need more evidence and confronting will drive it underground.

That is very concerning that she's been going to this man's home, texting with him often, and talking about him. He is on her mind often.

You need to do re-con. This very much sounds like a physical affair is already occuring.

I think it is a somewhat normal move to try to get the AP in the friend circle so it seems plausible that they would be communicating.

Re-stating - Do not confront.


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## Evinrude58

MiddleAgedFool said:


> we both had jobs before kids, once we started a family she stayed home and we became a single income household, I work and if she needs to do something I have to watch the kids, no help from family.


So honest question:
If you discover she’s cheating, how will you respond to that? What actions will you take?


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## re16

MiddleAgedFool said:


> This weekend she kept telling me how nice this guy is and how we all need to hang out together.


Was she with him this weekend?


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## Angel wings

MiddleAgedFool said:


> wife is 32, Im 33, been married for 9 year have two kids aged 3 and 6. High school sweet hearts, never broke up never fought and no cheating. I have a degree and she never went to college, has worked as a clerk and or at a bank for about 5 years. So Single income and although we are not poor we definitely don't have the extra money to do a-lot.
> 
> Recently she has been spending more time with her sister and just seams distant, she was on antidepressants for the last few years and has just recently got off them. She had difficulty climaxing and was never interested in sex while on them and i could tell my advances frustrated her. two small kids and staying home all day has to be stressful and tiring but sometimes as soon as i get home she want to leave and we have none to watch kids so im the one that stays with the kids.
> 
> Would the antidepressants throw her in a funk and should i be worried?
> When i ask her if we are good she always says yes. Are you happy? Yes


Your wife feel she can't breath she need space did you ever ask her what do you want she need to find herself again it's not you


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## jsmart

Wow, the more info you provide, The worse your situation seems. We have had so many threads from BHs revealing that their wife was talking about some dude and was telling her husband how they would get along. Also the mentioning of the guy being much older. Both of these statements are to get you to put down your guard.

She may not have gotten physical with this guy yet but she is on the fast track to being his plaything. Do not for a second think that because this guy is older that he is not a threat. Women are attracted to older guys. With this guy being a tattoo artist, he’s going to seem edgy to your wife. Which would explain the dying her hair a new color, dressing more attractive, and putting up solo pics on her social media.

You better up your detective game because this is further along than you think. She has not only changed her lifestyle, she’s going to this dudes house. An older guy with more life experience will get into your wife’s pants much faster than you think. This thread is making me sad for you and your family. Your 32 year old wife has a 3 and 6 year old kids at home but she wants to play like she’s some emo college girl.


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## MiddleAgedFool

Evinrude58 said:


> So honest question:
> If you discover she’s cheating, how will you respond to that? What actions will you take?


I guess it depends on the degree of cheating, I don't think I could deal with the thoughts of her physically with someone else. Back when we were just out of high school she did what i call cheating. 
Went 4-wheeling with another guy
Went to a concert that he was attending and hung out with him "she said she went with her girlfriend and not for him" 
There was goodby hugs and possibly kiss on the cheek (cant remember what she told me) 

I took that as cheating, i never think she ever said anything about it after we discussed breaking up over it


----------



## jsmart

MiddleAgedFool said:


> Back when we were just out of high school she did what i call cheating.
> *Went 4-wheeling with another guy
> Went to a concert that he was attending and hung out with him "she said she went with her girlfriend and not for him"
> There was goodby hugs and possibly kiss on the cheek *(cant remember what she told me)
> 
> I took that as cheating, i never think she ever said anything about it after we discussed breaking up over it


A kiss on the cheek. Taking a girl 4 wheeling is an adrenaline rush for her not to mention you go 4 wheeling out in the middle of nowhere. She also went to a concert with this same guy but told you she was with her girlfriend? You think after a day like that she kissed him on the cheek? More than likely, she was his for the taking but he wasn’t wanting a relationship. But that was when you guys were dating. Now she’s your wife and mother of your 2 kids. You need to get yourself emotionally ready to make a decision if you find out she’s already given herself to this guy. Being caught flatfooted is not good.


----------



## ABHale

Blondilocks said:


> Why are you resentful of having to watch your own children for a few hours once or twice a week? They aren't infants and you are their father. It is very unattractive.


I don’t think he is complaining. He just answered my question.


----------



## ABHale

Some wives that cheat try to get there husbands to be friends with the guy she is cheating with.

“See we are all friends here.”


----------



## ABHale

Evinrude58 said:


> Don’t confront. Too many red flags and your gut is 99% accurate. So tell me, do you have a job? I was confused when you said she worked at a bank for five years and you have a single income….
> 
> If you’re a stay at home dad, just give it up and if she’s not cheating, she will be.
> 
> If you do work and support the family, then why are you babysitting while your wife goes off to another guy’s home to get tattoos abd you’re footing the bill? If so, there’s your problem. You are passive and don’t have her respect.


He has the better paying job. She never went to college.


----------



## MiddleAgedFool

She called me last night and told me she cant be with me, she loves someone else........me and kids are home and she stayed at a hotel last night ( I have a friend that works there and he confirmed she was there and he said he didn't see anyone else with her ) After she told me I was crushed and hung up. WoW just WoW


----------



## jsmart

I hate to be right but saw this from opening post. Just because your friend didn’t see anyone there doesn’t mean that she was alone the whole night. A mother that’s wanting to hangout for hours several times a week, when she has 3 and 6 year old kids at home is emotionally attached to someone new. Work with the facts on the ground. The affair most likely started when the emotional distance started.

You need to file for D. Expose the affair to both families. Get your finances secured ASAP. You don’t want her to put you into debt financing some tattoo artist dreams of opening a shop nor paying for hotel rooms for weeks. The family courts are very slanted against men. You need to document what has taken place as as evidence that she abandoned family. Get a voice activated recorder and record your interactions. You need to be on lookout for her to try to get abuse charges brought against you, so she can get you out of the house.


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## jsmart

@EleGirl , @MattMatt . Now that it’s been confirmed that @MiddleAgedFool is dealing with adultery, maybe this should be moved to the CWI section to get the help and attention his situation needs.


----------



## jonty30

MiddleAgedFool said:


> She called me last night and told me she cant be with me, she loves someone else........me and kids are home and she stayed at a hotel last night ( I have a friend that works there and he confirmed she was there and he said he didn't see anyone else with her ) After she told me I was crushed and hung up. WoW just WoW


Good. Consider yourself cut loose. Wish her will. 
What she has now will probably not last.


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## Evinrude58

Please know that as bad as this hurts, and as slow as it seems to get better (one can’t even tell, the pain is horrendous every day) you WILL get over this and when you do, you will realize what a gift she has given you —— a chance to find a person that really does love you. I know it doesn’t seem that way now, but give it done time and move on with your life and you will find that it’s a lot better life being with someone that actually loves you back.
Very sorry you’re going through this. Please don’t let this woman’s betrayal break you down to much. Don’t give her that much power over your happiness if you can keep from it.


----------



## Rob_1

MiddleAgedFool said:


> She called me last night and told me she cant be with me, she loves someone else........me and kids are home and she stayed at a hotel last night ( I have a friend that works there and he confirmed she was there and he said he didn't see anyone else with her ) After she told me I was crushed and hung up. WoW just WoW


and what are you going to do about it? that's the question. Will you continue being just another Middle Aged Fool trying to nice her back?


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## HappilyMarried1

So sorry @MiddleAgedFool try and stay strong I would today move your finances into your own separate account, cancel all joint credit cards. I would foot the bill since you are the one who works. Who is going to watch the kids while you work? Talk to a lawyer quick know where you stand.


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## re16

tell her: "I've always loved you and want you to be happy and I don't want to hold you back from that, so please don't come back here where you are unhappy".

New bank account today, 50% of funds in it. Kill the credit cards. File immediately.


----------



## Robert22205

That's your wife's confession that she's having an affair (sex).

I know you're in shock and pain. However, experience shows that your best chance to save your marriage (if that's what you want) is to show absolutely zero tolerance for her behavior and start marching toward divorce; and if you want a divorce - it's the same, show zero tolerance and start marching toward divorce.

The stronger you react and reject her behavior - the more attractive you appear to her. Plus the more you take control the better you will feel.

What does not work: crying/begging. Do not let her see you cry (leave the room etc). In her current state of mind she will view that as you're being 'weak' and a free pass to continue her affair.

Get angry (but be civil). Inform her that she can love anyone she wants but not as your wife.

Then:
See an attorney about how divorce will impact you (the first visit is often free).
Separate bank accounts.
Cancel credit cards.
Change the beneficiary on your life insurance.

Except for public shame. Nothing will discourage/undermine your wife's affair more than seeing you rejecting her and marching towards divorce.


Stop being her friend, buddy, advisor (she fired you). Read up on the 180.
Limit communication to just the kids, maintaining a home, and the process of divorce.


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## Tex X

I highly doubt she paid for and spent the night at a hotel alone. Dude could have easily come in by himself and your friend didn't see him. Doesn't really matter. She dropped the hammer on your marriage. See an attorney ASAP and find out what your rights are. If divorce is in the cards, you file and get this over with as quickly and quietly as you can without letting yourself get screwed. Your STBXW is in the affair fog - there is absolutely no better time to file. Once she realizes this guy is not Mr. Wonderful, the proceedings and negotiations will become MUCH harder. And yeah - get the VAR and keep it on you at all times. You'll be glad you did.


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## jlg07

Make sure you expose this to friends/family/etc. --- she WILL try to re-write your marital history to make YOU look like the bad guy in all this....


----------



## MattMatt

@MiddleAgedFool If you would like a moderator to move your thread to Coping With Infidelity, please tell myself @MattMatt or @EleGirl @farsidejunky @Deejo or @lifeistooshort and we can move it for you.


----------



## Evinrude58

Tex X said:


> I highly doubt she paid for and spent the night at a hotel alone. Dude could have easily come in by himself and your friend didn't see him. Doesn't really matter. She dropped the hammer on your marriage. See an attorney ASAP and find out what your rights are. If divorce is in the cards, you file and get this over with as quickly and quietly as you can without letting yourself get screwed. Your STBXW is in the affair fog - there is absolutely no better time to file. Once she realizes this guy is not Mr. Wonderful, the proceedings and negotiations will become MUCH harder. And yeah - get the VAR and keep it on you at all times. You'll be glad you did.


Quoted for truth. Please reread. This is exactly right. You cannot get divorced fast enough. Every day you don’t get it done is another day her friends have to put stuff in her ear about how you owe her. And another day reality hits her. Use the affair fog to your advantage or you’ll be living in a box.


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## jsmart

@Tex X is right about now being the best time to file. In her fogged up head, she thinks her and mr tattoo artist will ride off into sunset. With that mindset, she will be more willing to be flexible on the divorce agreements. 

If on the slight chance that you want to win her back from tattoo, you have to be cold and detached. I know it’s counter intuitive but her seeing you not give a F, will impact her. Of course the opposite will happen if you cry, beg, try to convince her to do counseling. These will be seen as weak. Women, especially women in an affair, are repulsed by weakness. The loser that is banging her is bold in her mind. He puts himself at risk by pursuing a married woman. Add in that he’s probably completely tattooed up, it gives him an edgy vibe that she desires. See the dyed hair, new tattoos, dressing better and loud music, all point to her trying hard to impress him.

Also, like I said earlier, get a voice activated recorder. You don’t want her trying to falsely accuse you of abuse. Sadly it is more common than you think for a WW to file domestic abuse against their betrayed husband to get him out of the house and be able to bring in their new man.


----------



## Beach123

Tell HER to get a full time job immediately! And file for divorce. Arrange child care and petition the court for the kids full time.
She checked out long ago. She’s so interested in this other person that she left her kids and stayed in a hotel? That’s terrible! She’s a coward! She runs away because she doesn’t want to face an HONEST conversation with you…
File - take the kids - make sure she has to start working full time! This is what she gives you for the stay at home life you provided her?
She’s despicable - treat her as such!!!
Do NOT try and nice her into staying married!


----------



## Talker67

i was racking my head wondering how you would move forward with a spouse who had serious medical mental issues, who apparently refuses to take her meds. 

i have two relatives like that, and in both cases it destroyed there relatively good lives, and sent them spiraling downward. In both cases, it was the refusal to keep contact with their psychiatrists and stopping their medications that did it to them. In their degraded mental states, there literally was no way to talk logically to them. They "knew" what was best for them, not those stupid doctors!

i could not think of any advice on how to get your back on her meds, and then you post that she "loves someone else" and is not coming home. I know it does not seem like it at this point in time, but she has given you an out. You can divorce her, try to get custody of the kids with her only visiting sporadically (she may agree to that as all she cares about right now is her affair partner). then divorce, find a nice picture of her from happier times to remember her by, and let that (damaged) ship sail out of port!


----------



## Goobertron

MiddleAgedFool said:


> wife is 32, Im 33, been married for 9 year have two kids aged 3 and 6.


You're in the peak separation and divorce zone. You work full-time. You have two kids and one is now early school age and you're both in your early 30s. The average lifespan of a relationship is about long enough to get one child past the peak years of infant mortality. This ensures the next generation. Now subconsciously that imperative for reproduction has been met because your eldest is now past the early primary school age. So it's natural for a subconscious shift to occur. Sadly you coming home and rescuing her at the end of the day creates a negative reward system where it's all seen as so difficult she can just give it to you. 




MiddleAgedFool said:


> When i ask her if we are good she always says yes. Are you happy? Yes


They will never tell you they are unhappy if they are unhappy. One criticism of relationships with women even other women remark on is that they expect the other one to just "know" how they are feeling and to have taken steps. Women get unhappy very easily. They initiate the majority of divorces. I heard a divorce lawyer who runs his practice says he gets 90% female clients initiating divorce against their husbands. It would be risky to ask her to define "happy". If she has a low sex drive, doesn't exercise and sits home all day and needs antidepressants...


----------



## MiddleAgedFool

wife came home from hotel, she finally confirmed it was tattoo guy, they were together two times... i am crushed, she didn't shed a tear when she told me, i was asking her "how could you do this and why would you throw it all away?" she just sits there and says I wasn't happy. I call the guy and ***** him out, he confirms sex twice and that he told his wife also. She gets pissed when she realizes I called him and keeps asking me what i said, I don't tell her a damn thing. She packs a small bag and tells me she staying at the hotel again tonight, I didn't beg her to stay or tell her anything.......just in shock and feel numb....I keep it together for the kids and when they ask where Mom is I make up some lie to tell them.


----------



## jonty30

MiddleAgedFool said:


> wife came home from hotel, she finally confirmed it was tattoo guy, they were together two times... i am crushed, she didn't shed a tear when she told me, i was asking her "how could you do this and why would you throw it all away?" she just sits there and says I wasn't happy. I call the guy and *** him out, he confirms sex twice and that he told his wife also. She gets pissed when she realizes I called him and keeps asking me what i said, I don't tell her a damn thing. She packs a small bag and tells me she staying at the hotel again tonight, I didn't beg her to stay or tell her anything.......just in shock and feel numb....I keep it together for the kids and when they ask where Mom is I make up some lie to tell them.


Go to the lawyer first thing in the morning and get all the papers together. 
You have to protect the kids, because your marriage is over.
Don't lie to the kids and don't tear down their mother. You just tell them that she loves somebody else now.


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## ABHale

Get a lawyer now. Tell them u to our wife is off her meds and that she has left the home. Get temporary full custody of the kids.

Don’t lie to them. Just tell them she isn’t herself right now and that you love them.


----------



## Tex X

MiddleAgedFool said:


> wife came home from hotel, she finally confirmed it was tattoo guy, they were together two times... i am crushed, she didn't shed a tear when she told me, i was asking her "how could you do this and why would you throw it all away?" she just sits there and says I wasn't happy.


That tells me she mourned the loss of your relationship already, and she has no feelings for you. She is done. That should tell you everything you need to know. File for divorce ASAP. Protect yourself, your children, and your finances. You really need to see an attorney like yesterday.


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## Evinrude58

Sorry brother. Hang in there. It takes a while, but it will get better. As long as you move forward and get out of hope mode. Don’t let yourself wallow in self pity if you can keep from it, it’s hard. Start thinking about how good you can make your life. It is as you make it.
You have a lot to look forward to. Finding a woman who doesn’t bang tattoo guy trash is one. Doing what you want, when You want us another.


----------



## Landofblue

Don’t believe him. Find out who his wife is and call her. Maybe she knows. Maybe she doesn’t. But you should confirm.

Regardless your wife is nothing near reconciliation material right now. Focus on you. Talk to a lawyer and find a therapist who specializes in Trauma.

And honestly if it were me, I wouldn’t lie to my kids. I’d make it age appropriate but I would tell them their mom loves them but seems to think she loves another man and not daddy right now. But that’s just me. Others will probably disagree.

Take care and get support from friends and family. This is rough.


----------



## jonty30

Landofblue said:


> Don’t believe him. Find out who his wife is and call her. Maybe she knows. Maybe she doesn’t. But you should confirm.
> 
> Regardless your wife is nothing near reconciliation material right now. Focus on you. Talk to a lawyer and find a therapist who specializes in Trauma.
> 
> And honestly if it were me, I wouldn’t lie to my kids. I’d make it age appropriate but I would tell them their mom loves them but seems to think she loves another man and not daddy right now. But that’s just me. Others will probably disagree.
> 
> Take care and get support from friends and family. This is rough.


The admission of physical sex makes the number irrelevant. 
I'm with you on what should be told the kids.


----------



## re16

Sorry to hear the PA is confirmed.

One of the main things to keep in mind here is that your brain will want to save the relationship and you have to train yourself that when you feel those emotions / thoughts, that there is no saving it. The marriage is dead, she killed it. Even if she comes back, you'll constantly wonder / never trust her. Everytime she goes off to the store and takes a few extra minutes etc, you'll wonder. You'll constantly reminder her, she'll constantly feel guilty. This dynamic will continue for decades.

Steel yourself to the idea that this divorce needs to get done and get done now. Use your anger about what she did to you and your family to drive you.

Be sure you expose this immediately to all family / mutual friends... she will spin a very different story to everyone if you don't.

You need to act swiftly and powerfully.


----------



## jsmart

MiddleAgedFool said:


> wife came home from hotel, she finally confirmed it was tattoo guy, they were together two times... i am crushed, she didn't shed a tear when she told me, i was asking her "how could you do this and why would you throw it all away?" she just sits there and says I wasn't happy. I call the guy and *** him out, he confirms sex twice and that he told his wife also. She gets pissed when she realizes I called him and keeps asking me what i said, I don't tell her a damn thing. She packs a small bag and tells me she staying at the hotel again tonight, I didn't beg her to stay or tell her anything.......just in shock and feel numb....I keep it together for the kids and when they ask where Mom is I make up some lie to tell them.


They had sex twice? Come on, this became physical months ago when she started pulling away from you. That she’s so cold and in different towards you and doesn’t care about leaving the kids, tells me she is in deep with this POS. Look at how she became protective of the guy when you called him. 

Btw, since it turns out that tattoo is married, you need to tell his wife EVERYTHING. He will immediately throw your wife under the bus to save his marriage. That will rock your WW’s world since she’s under the impression that tattoo is going to run off with her. Her seeing how quickly her soulmate tosses her away will be the cold splash of water she needs. It has to be combined with exposure to both of your families and being served D papers. A shock and awe campaign will let her hit rock bottom. Trying to nice or beg her back will just push her further into Tattoo’s arms. It has to be tough love.

Don’t dilly dally. File for D and expose. Also get your finances secured ASAP. Pull out half the money out of your account and move to a new account. Cancel the credit cards. A heavily infatuated WW will put you in the poor house to keep her soulmate.


----------



## re16

jsmart said:


> A shock and awe campaign will let her hit rock bottom.


This is 100% whats needed.

I would consider packing some of her stuff (doesn't need to be all of it) in a bag and take it to OM's house and leave it on the porch. Tell him he can have her.


----------



## QuietRiot

MiddleAgedFool said:


> wife came home from hotel, she finally confirmed it was tattoo guy, they were together two times... i am crushed, she didn't shed a tear when she told me, i was asking her "how could you do this and why would you throw it all away?" she just sits there and says I wasn't happy. I call the guy and *** him out, he confirms sex twice and that he told his wife also. She gets pissed when she realizes I called him and keeps asking me what i said, I don't tell her a damn thing. She packs a small bag and tells me she staying at the hotel again tonight, I didn't beg her to stay or tell her anything.......just in shock and feel numb....I keep it together for the kids and when they ask where Mom is I make up some lie to tell them.


I’m sorry you are here and this is happening to you. 

Please understand that this is not your fault, your wife is a jerk. She will say anything and everything is your fault, there is no reason to speak to her about anything but a divorce at this point. GO SEE A LAWYER TODAY. 

Secondly, of course every cheater says they were unhappy. And they link being unhappy to the person they are with… the ol “It’s your job to make me happy about my life” ploy. And what I find is most cheaters actually believe this. That it’s someone else’s job to MAKE them happy, or someone else MADE them miserable. But happiness is a fickle beotch for people like this. The selfishness of her actions and behaviors speak volumes. When the limerence wears off, she’s stuck being the same old depressed, unhappy person she’s been for years. So get divorced before that happens and make her shifting, fickle, unfixable happiness issue his problem. 

You will have a much more carefree and unencumbered life without her. and you will come to see that she did you a favor someday. Work through the pain, the heartache, and the grief day by day. Minute by minute if you have to, but know that there is an end to that pain and one day… you will be full and whole again. You just have to get through this rough part to get there. Good luck.


----------



## Graywolf2

Landofblue said:


> Don’t believe him. Find out who his wife is and call her. Maybe she knows. Maybe she doesn’t. But you should confirm.


If the AP is smart he will tell his wife that a crazy guy is falsely accusing him of having an affair with his wife. Just in case he does this have whatever proof you have ready to show his wife.



MiddleAgedFool said:


> She called me last night and told me she cant be with me, she loves someone else........me and kids are home and she stayed at a hotel last night


Ask AP's wife if she knows where her husband was last night.


----------



## jsmart

re16 said:


> This is 100% whats needed.
> 
> I would consider packing some of her stuff (doesn't need to be all of it) in a bag and take it to OM's house and leave it on the porch. Tell him he can have her.


That could really help accelerate mr tattoo throwing his wife under the bus. When POS’s wife sees the seriousness of his affair, she will blow up. That will cause him to repudiate @MiddleAgedFool WW. 

She is not right in the head. What kind of mother abandons her 3 & 6 year olds for a guy almost old enough to be her dad.


----------



## re16

jsmart said:


> That could really help accelerate me tattoo throwing his wife under the bus. When POS’s wife sees the seriousness of his affair, she will blow up. That will cause him to repudiate @MiddleAgedFool WW.
> 
> She is not right in the head. What kind of mother abandons her 3 & 6 year olds for a guy almost old enough to be her dad.


Put your framed wedding photo or a family portrait on top of the bag when you drop it.... it will add to the effect on your WW when she has to go get it.


----------



## jonty30

jsmart said:


> That could really help accelerate mr tattoo throwing his wife under the bus. When POS’s wife sees the seriousness of his affair, she will blow up. That will cause him to repudiate @MiddleAgedFool WW.
> 
> She is not right in the head. What kind of mother abandons her 3 & 6 year olds for a guy almost old enough to be her dad.


There are thousands of women who, for the sake of connectedness, who sacrifice their children in various ways just so they have a man. 
This is not uncommon, unfortunately.


----------



## MiddleAgedFool

POS wife posted on her facebook about him cheating and messaging wife giving her a piece of her mind, I would say she does know it was physical


----------



## QuietRiot

MiddleAgedFool said:


> POS wife posted on her facebook about him cheating and messaging wife giving her a piece of her mind, I would say she does know it was physical


Good for her. What are you going to do now?


----------



## MiddleAgedFool

make a appointment, try to stay calm, take care of the kids, drink Lol


----------



## QuietRiot

MiddleAgedFool said:


> make a appointment, try to stay calm, take care of the kids, drink Lol


All good except the drinking. Don’t give anyone a reason to screw with your custody situation. Exercise instead?


----------



## re16

MiddleAgedFool said:


> make a appointment, try to stay calm, take care of the kids, drink Lol


MAF, you got this and we're behind you. Attack this situation with full force.


----------



## jsmart

MiddleAgedFool said:


> POS wife posted on her facebook about him cheating and messaging wife giving her a piece of her mind, I would say she does know it was physical


That’s actually good. Your wife needs to feel shame to wake her up. As word gets around, she will be bombarded with “WTF are you doing?” From friends and family. She has to face the consequences. Please file for D. It can be stopped later but your WW needs to face some real dire consequences to wake up. Right now she’s high on the false sense of confidence that sneaking around committing adultery gives. Only real consequences will bring her down.

Also, get your finances secured. You don’t want her putting you into debt for this POS. Lastly, get a voice activated recorder. You don’t know what a vindictive WW will do to punish you. Your kids really need you. They can’t afford to have dad falsely accused of domestic abuse and taken away from them.


----------



## Talker67

jonty30 said:


> The admission of physical sex makes the number irrelevant.
> I'm with you on what should be told the kids.


if she is borderline crazy, what is the likelihood that they had unprotected sex, and she might now be pregnant with this tattoo artist's kid? Was she religiously on birth control up until now?


----------



## Rus47

jsmart said:


> That’s actually good. *Your wife needs to feel shame to wake her up.* As word gets around, she will be bombarded with “WTF are you doing?” From friends and family. She has to face the consequences. Please file for D. It can be stopped later but your WW needs to face some real dire consequences to wake up. Right now she’s high on the false sense of confidence that sneaking around committing adultery gives. Only real consequences will bring her down.
> 
> Also, get your finances secured. You don’t want her putting you into debt for this POS. Lastly, get a voice activated recorder. You don’t know what a vindictive WW will do to punish you. Your kids really need you. They can’t afford to have dad falsely accused of domestic abuse and taken away from them.


Why would he want her to wake up until the D is final? No advantage to that. Who cares what her consequences are, she can find another tattoo on the streets, they are a dime a dozen. Under no circumstances should OP even think about stopping the D.


----------



## GusPolinski

MiddleAgedFool said:


> POS wife posted on her facebook about him cheating and messaging wife giving her a piece of her mind, I would say she does know it was physical


Screenshot, screenshot, screenshot.


----------



## jsmart

Talker67 said:


> if she is borderline crazy, what is the likelihood that they had unprotected sex, and she might now be pregnant with this tattoo artist's kid? Was she religiously on birth control up until now?


Oh man. I didn’t even think about that angle. This poor guy has been trying to be a loving husband, standing by his wife as she deals by with depression issues all to be stabbed in the back. The worst is that she’s even willing to abandon her young kids.


----------



## re16

Talker67 said:


> if she is borderline crazy, what is the likelihood that they had unprotected sex, and she might now be pregnant with this tattoo artist's kid? Was she religiously on birth control up until now?


Great point, that may be why she suddenly had to leave and confess she loves someone else. That seemed like an odd move to me... and pregnancy would explain it.


----------



## jsmart

Rus47 said:


> Why would he want her to wake up until the D is final? No advantage to that. Who cares what her consequences are, she can find another tattoo on the streets, they are a dime a dozen. Under no circumstances should OP even think about stopping the D.


Rus, you can see that this guy still loves his wife and probably hopes to salvage the marriage. I’m sure @MiddleAgedFool is thinking that his wife’s emotional issues and being off her meds, have contributed to her emotional state that would allow her to not only betray her husband but to abandon her kids.


----------



## re16

I don't buy being off depression meds causing her to suddenly lose morals and have energy to get out and start boinking OM. I would think coming off those would cause her to feel down in the dumps and not leave the house.

Her meds have little to do with her cheating / abandoning from my perspective, it has everything to do with her character (lack of).

ETA: if she was having problems climaxing on them, maybe she got off so she wouldn't have that problem with OM.


----------



## Talker67

jsmart said:


> Rus, you can see that this guy still loves his wife and probably hopes to salvage the marriage. I’m sure @MiddleAgedFool is thinking that his wife’s emotional issues and being off her meds, have contributed to her emotional state that would allow her to not only betray her husband but to abandon her kids.


from a practical point of view,
raising two kids while he works all day long is going to be a pia.
if there is some way to open his wife's eyes, have her see how stupid she is acting, and get her back trying to reconcile....that is def worth something.

Some would refuse such a reconciliation and kick her to the curb. but that still leaves 14 years of raising kids as a single dad, the cost of the afterschool programs, the restrictions on his career as he has to pick up the kids by 6 PM sharp.

So for purely financial reasons, he may want to try to get her back.

but like was said in hundreds of other threads, she is the one who cheated. she is the one that has to do the heavy lifting of reconciliation.

it seems like a visit to a competent shrink to solve her bipolar/depression/whatever is screwing up her thinking process right now.

he can always choose to divorce her once his kids are old enough to leave the nest. he should be playing the long game right now.


----------



## Rus47

re16 said:


> I don't buy being off depression meds causing her to suddenly lose morals and have energy to get out and start boinking OM. I would think coming off those would cause her to feel down in the dumps and not leave the house.
> 
> Her meds have little to do with her cheating / abandoning from my perspective, it has everything to do with her character (lack of).
> 
> ETA:* if she was having problems climaxing on them, maybe she got off so she wouldn't have that problem with OM.*


This^^^^


----------



## Divinely Favored

Talker67 said:


> if she is borderline crazy, what is the likelihood that they had unprotected sex, and she might now be pregnant with this tattoo artist's kid? Was she religiously on birth control up until now?


She may also have contracted an STD that may not show up on test for 6 months.


----------



## Blondilocks

If you are the primary on her credit card, cancel it. Let her figure out how to pay for her hotel stays. They can always screw in the tattoo parlor.


----------



## Robert22205

Talking to the OM is a waste of time. Why would he tell you the truth? He's clearly not a nice guy or your friend.

Therefore, talk to the OM's wife to find out how she learned of her husband's affair with you wife and when it started.

Her suspicious/changed behavior (actually the affair) has been going on for months. Somehow they got caught and then he & your wife agreed on this story to stonewall you/minimize the affair.

You can save the marriage but it 100% depends on your wife accepting full responsibility, showing remorse for hurting you, and rebuilding trust - and proving to you that she's a safe partner. We're talking years of hard work.

He doesn't want to marry your wife or raise your kids - he was just enjoying an easy lay. In his job, he gets close to women and boasts about himself and flirts with all the women - she was just weak minded enough to say yes and let it go further. 

Of course your wife said she was unhappy (a common excuse). She's not going to readily admit she is selfish, entitled, deceitful, and has no guilt for blowing up her family. It's typical for a cheater to avoid taking responsibility for her decision to cheat - and blaming you. 

There's nothing special about the OM. If not him, it would have been another guy. 

No spouse (sharing the daily grind) can compete with the mystery and attraction of another man. It's like comparing the old family van to a new sports car. Nor should they have to. 

Your wife has poor boundaries with men (she should have shut down his flirting/advances immediately).

You can save the marriage but it 100% depends on your wife accepting full responsibility, showing remorse for hurting you, and rebuilding trust. We're talking years of hard work. And it starts with your wife accepting responsibility.

In the interim, she needs to see you taking steps to divorce her until she proves she deserves a second chance.


----------



## Evinrude58

Robert22205 said:


> Talking to the OM is a waste of time. Why would he tell you the truth? He's clearly not a nice guy or your friend.
> 
> Therefore, talk to the OM's wife to find out how she learned of her husband's affair with you wife and when it started.
> 
> Her suspicious/changed behavior (actually the affair) has been going on for months. Somehow they got caught and then he & your wife agreed on this story to stonewall you/minimize the affair.
> 
> You can save the marriage but it 100% depends on your wife accepting full responsibility, showing remorse for hurting you, and rebuilding trust - and proving to you that she's a safe partner. We're talking years of hard work.
> 
> He doesn't want to marry your wife or raise your kids - he was just enjoying an easy lay. In his job, he gets close to women and boasts about himself and flirts with all the women - she was just weak minded enough to say yes and let it go further.
> 
> Of course your wife said she was unhappy (a common excuse).* She's not going to readily admit she is selfish, entitled, deceitful, and has no guilt for blowing up her f*amily. It's typical for a cheater to avoid taking responsibility for her decision to cheat - and blaming you.
> 
> There's nothing special about the OM. If not him, it would have been another guy.
> 
> No spouse (sharing the daily grind) can compete with the mystery and attraction of another man. It's like comparing the old family van to a new sports car. Nor should they have to.
> 
> Your wife has poor boundaries with men (she should have shut down his flirting/advances immediately).
> 
> You can save the marriage but it 100% depends on your wife accepting full responsibility, showing remorse for hurting you, and rebuilding trust. We're talking years of hard work. And it starts with your wife accepting responsibility.
> 
> *In the interim, she needs to see you taking steps to divorce her until she proves she deserves a second chance.*


I agree with a lot of what you wrote, but for the bolded…..,I don’t think I’d want a wife like this, so don’t feel OP should, either. And, I don’t think she could ever prove she deserves a second chance, because she doesn’t. She’s not even wanting one! So why worry about it, just kick her to the curb and look for a woman that actually cares about him and might not be so damn easy she falls for a tattoo “artist”.


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## TDSC60

Sorry this has happened to you. 
Do not drink.
Cancel all credit cards. Take 80% of the money out of any joint accounts. Start a new account that she has no access. Most folks say leave 50% of the cash in the bank but you have kids to take care of. You should not be paying for her to leave you with 2 small kids.
Contact POS wife and inform her it is physical.
Talk to an attorney ASAP.
Get all this done while she is still in the affair fog.


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## Evinrude58

I wouldn’t stir up the OM Wife unless I wanted her back. OP needs her comfortable in her fantasy of unicorn rainbow sunsets if he’s gonna get a fair divorce.

he doesn’t want her thinking anything but how great life is until papers are signed and filed.
Then he can let the **** hit the fan.


----------



## QuietRiot

Evinrude58 said:


> I wouldn’t stir up the OM Wife unless I wanted her back. OP needs her comfortable in her fantasy of unicorn rainbow sunsets if he’s gonna get a fair divorce.
> 
> he doesn’t want her thinking anything but how great life is until papers are signed and filed.
> Then he can let the **** hit the fan.


This is the right idea.

Fighting for a marriage when someone is cheating is like playing tug o war with a turd. 

Use her cloud 9 state to get everything you possibly can. Do not engage, do not incite her, just ask for EVERYTHING you can and let her negotiate with the lawyer. Getting out of this and away from her as quickly as possible is the best course of action. 

(If he did take her back… he’d get to stare at those tattoos every day. Talk about mind movies.)


----------



## Evinrude58

Why can’t it be like the good old days and OP could give this tattoo guy a special tattoo to remember HIM by?


----------



## Marc878

MiddleAgedFool said:


> She called me last night and told me she cant be with me, she loves someone else........me and kids are home and she stayed at a hotel last night ( I have a friend that works there and he confirmed she was there and he said he didn't see anyone else with her ) After she told me I was crushed and hung up. WoW just WoW


She needed a break from the kids because she’s servicing her shiny new boyfriend. Sorry man but she’s replaced you.
*Don’t: *Do the infamous pick me dance, try nicing her back. All that does is make you look weak, unattractive while making her shiny new boyfriend look strong. Try and jump into married counseling. She broken not your marriage. Rugsweep. That just causes long term problems later. 

*Do: *See three attorneys for free consultations. Cut off contact with her. Talk will you nothing but an extended stay in limbo. Plus all you’ll get will be lies. *Safeguard your finances immediately. Stay out of denial and hopium.*

Try to get strong and stay there. If not you will go through more hell than necessary.

Her sister maybe an enabler so don’t expect much help from her family. Seek out yours for support. You’ll need it. Accept your marriage is over. She ended it with her affair.

Beware of blame shifting.
*Blame-shifting *is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

The only one that can make you a chump is yourself.
Better wake up quick you need too.


----------



## Marc878

MiddleAgedFool said:


> wife came home from hotel, she finally confirmed it was tattoo guy, they were together two times... i am crushed, she didn't shed a tear when she told me, i was asking her "how could you do this and why would you throw it all away?" she just sits there and says I wasn't happy. I call the guy and *** him out, he confirms sex twice and that he told his wife also. She gets pissed when she realizes I called him and keeps asking me what i said, I don't tell her a damn thing. She packs a small bag and tells me she staying at the hotel again tonight, I didn't beg her to stay or tell her anything.......just in shock and feel numb....I keep it together for the kids and when they ask where Mom is I make up some lie to tell them.


Cmon man. Don’t lie to your kids. Just tell them mommy has a new boyfriend so you aren’t together anymore. They aren’t stupid. Keeping them in the dark will only cause them anxiety. They need one sane parent. You don’t want them shocked when she introduces them to her new man.

It’s not your job to help them hide their affair.

I would confirm with his wife she knows. He’s a cheater and they all lie a lot.


----------



## jonty30

Evinrude58 said:


> Why can’t it be like the good old days and OP could give this tattoo guy a special tattoo to remember HIM by?


Because we outlawed tattoos in a numerical sequence?


----------



## Marc878

I would advise not to jump into the trying to save or fight for your marriage routine. Let her go.

Infidelity is a lifetime gift. You’d better put some thought into what you’d get back. Besides repeated infidelity happens. The capability sure is there.


----------



## Marc878

MiddleAgedFool said:


> wife came home from hotel, she finally confirmed it was tattoo guy, they were together two times... i am crushed, she didn't shed a tear when she told me, i was asking her "how could you do this and why would you throw it all away?" she just sits there and says I wasn't happy. I call the guy and *** him out, he confirms sex twice and that he told his wife also. She gets pissed when she realizes I called him and keeps asking me what i said, I don't tell her a damn thing. She packs a small bag and tells me she staying at the hotel again tonight, I didn't beg her to stay or tell her anything.......just in shock and feel numb....I keep it together for the kids and when they ask where Mom is I make up some lie to tell them.


No contact is your best friend. If not you will get dragged through the mire. Inform family and close friends. You’re gonna need all the help you can get. Inform your boss as well.

Don’t be embarrassed. You need to understand your wife is a typical lying cheater. There’s nothing special about her at all. Dime a dozen. Unfortunately this happens. You didn’t cause it. That was a choice/decision she consciously made.


----------



## jonty30

MiddleAgedFool said:


> wife came home from hotel, she finally confirmed it was tattoo guy, they were together two times... i am crushed, she didn't shed a tear when she told me, i was asking her "how could you do this and why would you throw it all away?" she just sits there and says I wasn't happy. I call the guy and *** him out, he confirms sex twice and that he told his wife also. She gets pissed when she realizes I called him and keeps asking me what i said, I don't tell her a damn thing. She packs a small bag and tells me she staying at the hotel again tonight, I didn't beg her to stay or tell her anything.......just in shock and feel numb....I keep it together for the kids and when they ask where Mom is I make up some lie to tell them.


Women, when being unfaithful, tend to understate how many times they have been intimate, looking to do minimal damage.
I can almost assure you that she has been intimate with him multiple times more than she's telling you.
She's only telling what she thinks you are able to prove.


----------



## Marc878

She’ll be with him again tonight.
Bud, there are no excuses.
You’d be better off to let her go.


----------



## HappilyMarried1

MiddleAgedFool said:


> wife came home from hotel, she finally confirmed it was tattoo guy, they were together two times... i am crushed, she didn't shed a tear when she told me, i was asking her "how could you do this and why would you throw it all away?" she just sits there and says I wasn't happy. I call the guy and *** him out, he confirms sex twice and that he told his wife also. She gets pissed when she realizes I called him and keeps asking me what i said, I don't tell her a damn thing. She packs a small bag and tells me she staying at the hotel again tonight, I didn't beg her to stay or tell her anything.......just in shock and feel numb....I keep it together for the kids and when they ask where Mom is I make up some lie to tell them.


How is she paying for the hotel? If she doesn't work you need to stop all credit cards and quit paying for her to go to a hotel and have sex with tattoo guy. First thing and get to a lawyer first thing tomorrow and see what your options are and start the divorce proceedings.


----------



## Rus47

MiddleAgedFool said:


> wife came home from hotel, she finally confirmed it was tattoo guy, they were together two times... i am crushed, she didn't shed a tear when she told me, i was asking her "how could you do this and why would you throw it all away?" she just sits there and says I wasn't happy. I call the guy and *** him out, he confirms sex twice and that he told his wife also. She gets pissed when she realizes I called him and keeps asking me what i said, I don't tell her a damn thing. She packs a small bag and tells me she staying at the hotel again tonight, I didn't beg her to stay or tell her anything.......just in shock and feel numb....I keep it together for the kids and when they ask where Mom is I make up some lie to tell them.


Two times? BS! Proly more like 20 times. Or maybe 10 times two days in a row?

Are you allowed to change the locks and not allow her back into the house? I don't know what the law says, but personally would be tempted to pack her crap in leave it in the front yard to get rained on. She has voluntarily abandoned the family home hasn't she?

Call the tattoo guy n tell him he can have 100% of her, you don't want her diseased self back in your house.


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## skerzoid

Action plan:

1. *Lawyer up and have her served.* Divorce takes time. Watch her actions.

2.* STD Test.*

3. *Either cancel credit cards or get her name off of them.*

4. *Get her off your insurance.*

5. *Get her off your will, pension, all financials.*

6. *Compare notes with his wife.*

7. *Always have a VAR on you when speaking with her.*

8. *Reveal to all families and friends.*

9. *Do not try to reason with her.* Do not do the "Pick-Me-Dance", it only irritates her and makes you seem pathetic.

10. *Tell her to live with him.* She made her choice.

11. *Remember "Strength & Honor".* Let her and your kids remember this was your finest hour.


----------



## Marc878

MiddleAgedFool said:


> wife came home from hotel, she finally confirmed it was tattoo guy, they were together two times... i am crushed, she didn't shed a tear when she told me, i was asking her "how could you do this and why would you throw it all away?" she just sits there and says I wasn't happy. I call the guy and *** him out, he confirms sex twice and that he told his wife also. She gets pissed when she realizes I called him and keeps asking me what i said, I don't tell her a damn thing. She packs a small bag and tells me she staying at the hotel again tonight, I didn't beg her to stay or tell her anything.......just in shock and feel numb....I keep it together for the kids and when they ask where Mom is I make up some lie to tell them.


Reading through this again. You only know the tip of the iceberg. She’s minimizing to make herself look better. They have already made plans awhile back. No good mother walks off and leaves her kids for a new boyfriend. You aren’t losing much.

You get to choose whether you keep yourself stuck in this mess or move on. You can’t fix or save her. You need save yourself and take care of your kids. That should be your priority and the smart move. Living in hopes or denial won’t get you a thing. Except a waste of time.


----------



## re16

The fact that her mother went with her to tattoo guy's house once was probably your wife introducing her mom to her new man.


----------



## DudeInProgress

skerzoid said:


> Action plan:
> 
> 1. *Lawyer up and have her served.* Divorce takes time. Watch her actions.
> 
> 2.* STD Test.*
> 
> 3. *Either cancel credit cards or get her name off of them.*
> 
> 4. *Get her off your insurance.*
> 
> 5. *Get her off your will, pension, all financials.*
> 
> 6. *Compare notes with his wife.*
> 
> 7. *Always have a VAR on you when speaking with her.*
> 
> 8. *Reveal to all families and friends.*
> 
> 9. *Do not try to reason with her.* Do not do the "Pick-Me-Dance", it only irritates her and makes you seem pathetic.
> 
> 10. *Tell her to live with him.* She made her choice.
> 
> 11. *Remember "Strength & Honor".* Let her and your kids remember this was your finest hour.


Just re-emphasizing this. You need to do all of this, and you need to do it NOW.


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## CantBelieveThis

If you were referring to health insurance, he should be careful about doing that before consulting with his attorney 

Sent from my SHT-W09 using Tapatalk


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## CantBelieveThis

The credit cards are also not fool proof, if she has credit cards on her name she can still rack em up knowing all debt wil be 50/50,even if it's just on her name, again I believe an attorney can help with protection from this 

Sent from my SHT-W09 using Tapatalk


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## MiddleAgedFool

update: as you all know she stayed at a hotel the day she told me about the affair. Then she spent the next night there too, she came back the next day and was all lovey telling me she loves me and im the one and she's so sorry. Total 180 from the day prior where she was cold, no emotion, told me how unhappy she was, recalled everything i ever did wrong in the marriage (no cheating). Im so confused, Im just numb, im not playing the pick me dance, im just numb and feel lonely, I look at her tattoos and just get instantly pissed and the mind movies, and she came right out and told me when, where, how long, told me about the sex, i didn't even ask, she just told me, told me things im sure she didn't have too 🤢🤢 F*UK !!!!!!!!! F*UK!!!!!!!!!!!! I never wanted to raised my kids in a divorced family !!! I lived that and I hated it and remember it all when I was a child.


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## MiddleAgedFool

GusPolinski said:


> Screenshot, screenshot, screenshot.


IS already deleted by the OW, but comments on it where very nasty


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## Kamstel2

2 things:


talk to a lawyer immediately and have her served.
go to Dr and get tested for STDs


----------



## Ford_Prefect

Her new tattoos will always be a trigger and a symbol of her betrayal. So, if she is serious about wanting to save the marriage and really loves you, laser removal of the tattoos is the least she can do. Reconciliation should be off the table until the tattoos are removed.


----------



## Casual Observer

Ford_Prefect said:


> Her new tattoos will always be a trigger and a symbol of her betrayal. So, if she is serious about wanting to save the marriage and really loves you, laser removal of the tattoos is the least she can do. Reconciliation should be off the table until the tattoos are removed.


Removal of the tattoos has to happen before even entertaining any conversation regarding the future.


----------



## SnowToArmPits

MiddleAgedFool said:


> she came back the next day and was all lovey telling me she loves me and im the one


Ya you're the one she cheated on.

It's tough with kids. Jesus, every time you look at her tattoos... sorry man.


----------



## Tex X

Wow that was fast. Either she isn't as good of a lay as she thought she was, or Mr. Wonderful was only looking for a side piece to begin with. Either way - F that nonsense. She basically rubbed the affair in your face and told you to suck it. For me there would be no coming back from that. You would be better off divorcing and focusing on your kids and finding a truly healthy woman to have a relationship with. Your kids will benefit growing up seeing what a loving relationship looks like. If you stay you will be suffering eternal hell staying married to a cheater of this caliber. And yeah those tattoos - they're basically a scarlet letter that will constantly remind you of the affair.

Find your balls, talk to an attorney, and employ a hard 180 with your STBXW. I promise you there is no remorse here, and if you let yourself get sucked back in, you will be plan B again in no time. Hell - you're plan B right now. How is that working out for you? File for divorce.


----------



## jsmart

MiddleAgedFool said:


> update: as you all know she stayed at a hotel the day she told me about the affair. Then she spent the next night there too, she came back the next day and was all lovey telling me she loves me and im the one and she's so sorry. Total 180 from the day prior where she was cold, no emotion, told me how unhappy she was, recalled everything i ever did wrong in the marriage (no cheating). Im so confused, Im just numb, im not playing the pick me dance, im just numb and feel lonely, I look at her tattoos and just get instantly pissed and the mind movies, and she came right out and told me when, where, how long, told me about the sex, i didn't even ask, she just told me, told me things im sure she didn't have too 🤢🤢 F*UK !!!!!!!!! F*UK!!!!!!!!!!!! I never wanted to raised my kids in a divorced family !!! I lived that and I hated it and remember it all when I was a child.


Oh, so the reality that OM was not going to run off with her has sunk in. You need to insist that she get tested for STDs. I would also make removal of those tattoos a requirement for possible R. They will forever be a reminder of the sex she had with POS. 
I also would advise that she needs to get some individual counseling to get at why she was willing to not only betray you but abandon the kids too. Do not just offer R. She has to work for it. 

Personally, I would still have her served, kick her out of the master bedroom, cancel her credit cards, and insist that she get a job, all while implementing a 180 to emotionally detach. If she moves heaven and earth to win you back, you can cancel the D. Her seeing that you’re a strong man who will not be trifled with, will remind her what she’s about to lose but if you quickly cave, it will be a complete turn off to her.

Even though she’s now trying to act sweet, she’s actually in save her @ss mode but will eventually start to mope around because she will miss her OM. The couple of nights of a sexathon she had with tattoo, was most likely NOT the only time they hooked up. Her physical affair most likely started months ago when she grew cold towards you. It will take time for her to get over OM. Do not tolerate her pining away for OM in your presence. I’ve read a thread of a BH that held his WW as she wept over losing OM. Don’t be that guy.


----------



## Rob_1

Tex X said:


> Find your balls, talk to an attorney, and employ a hard 180 with your STBXW. I promise you there is no remorse here, and if you let yourself get sucked back in, you will be plan B again in no time. Hell - you're plan B right now. How is that working out for you? File for divorce.


It seems by reading between the lines of OP writings that he might not do a thing. Hope that I'm wrong.


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## blackclover3

@MiddleAgedFool so you are plan C - not even a plan B
you should've been firm and never communicated. 

you should also followed what everyone said here.

if you are not going to take recommendation why are you posting wasting everyone time. 

folks here been and see things you never even experienced. 

she is playing you until she get her plan together whether it is financially or with someone else. 

those tattoos were seen by another guy before you. so they are simple of cheating - basically another man marked on your wife and you are picking the left overs.

wake up and smell the roses


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## re16

MiddleAgedFool said:


> update: as you all know she stayed at a hotel the day she told me about the affair. Then she spent the next night there too, she came back the next day and was all lovey telling me she loves me and im the one and she's so sorry. Total 180 from the day prior where she was cold, no emotion, told me how unhappy she was, recalled everything i ever did wrong in the marriage (no cheating). Im so confused, Im just numb, im not playing the pick me dance, im just numb and feel lonely, I look at her tattoos and just get instantly pissed and the mind movies, and she came right out and told me when, where, how long, told me about the sex, i didn't even ask, she just told me, told me things im sure she didn't have too 🤢🤢 F*UK !!!!!!!!! F*UK!!!!!!!!!!!! I never wanted to raised my kids in a divorced family !!! I lived that and I hated it and remember it all when I was a child.


How did you react to all this 'love bombing' and apologizing?

Your wife was at a hotel with another man this weekend. She confessed that she loved someone else.

It is very clear that she was thinking she could branch to this guy and that you are plan B. I'm sure when she mentioned those plans to her new boyfriend, he was ready to run for the hills, now that he's gotten what he wanted from her.

Your marriage is over. You need to accept it.

It doesn't matter that you didn't want to raise your kids with divorced parents, SHE ended it.

You cannot accept this...

I sure hope you didn't let her have sex with you when she got back.

If you rugsweep this and try to move on, someday you'll realize the **** sandwich that is your marriage and you'll have wasted alot more time.

Deal with this now. You should be mad as hell at her for what she's done.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

Don't be anyone's plan "B"!


----------



## marko polo

MiddleAgedFool said:


> update: as you all know she stayed at a hotel the day she told me about the affair. Then she spent the next night there too, she came back the next day and was all lovey telling me she loves me and im the one and she's so sorry. Total 180 from the day prior where she was cold, no emotion, told me how unhappy she was, recalled everything i ever did wrong in the marriage (no cheating). Im so confused, Im just numb, im not playing the pick me dance, im just numb and feel lonely, I look at her tattoos and just get instantly pissed and the mind movies, and she came right out and told me when, where, how long, told me about the sex, i didn't even ask, she just told me, told me things im sure she didn't have too 🤢🤢 F*UK !!!!!!!!! F*UK!!!!!!!!!!!! I never wanted to raised my kids in a divorced family !!! I lived that and I hated it and remember it all when I was a child.


_she came right out and told me when, where, how long, told me about the sex, i didn't even ask, she just told me, told me things im sure she didn't have too_

*Your wife came out and told you to twist the knife in your heart. *She has no interest in leaving you. Someone has to pay the bills and keep a stable home for her to return to after she sleeps around. She is confident you will not leave her.

Removing your wife from your life will offer more benefit to you than wasting additional time and energy on her. You can co parent with her. You will be much happier without her around.


----------



## manwithnoname

She got dumped byTattoo, that's the only reason for the turn around. 

You've been advised several times already.


----------



## ABHale

Tattoo guy pumped and dumped.

That is the only reason your wife is back all in love with you again.


----------



## OnTheRocks

+1 she got dumped. Tattoo douche is busy trying to avoid child support / alimony.


----------



## QuietRiot

MiddleAgedFool said:


> update: as you all know she stayed at a hotel the day she told me about the affair. Then she spent the next night there too, she came back the next day and was all lovey telling me she loves me and im the one and she's so sorry. Total 180 from the day prior where she was cold, no emotion, told me how unhappy she was, recalled everything i ever did wrong in the marriage (no cheating). Im so confused, Im just numb, im not playing the pick me dance, im just numb and feel lonely, I look at her tattoos and just get instantly pissed and the mind movies, and she came right out and told me when, where, how long, told me about the sex, i didn't even ask, she just told me, told me things im sure she didn't have too 🤢🤢 F*UK !!!!!!!!! F*UK!!!!!!!!!!!! I never wanted to raised my kids in a divorced family !!! I lived that and I hated it and remember it all when I was a child.


The absolute worst thing you can do right now is believe she is done cheating. It takes more than a weekend and a fight with an AP to reform one’s self. If you in fact are even considering reconciliation, I would advise you (from experience) to not jump headlong into it and hope for the best. You are asking to get kicked in the head if you do. 

If there is any part of you that desires reconciliation, please do it the right way, not the easy way, and make sure you’re setting up the best possible chance of success that you can. Anything less is rug sweeping. 

There are threads of people who are reformed cheaters, they post here. I would suggest you start reading up on how someone like that thinks and acts. I guarantee you, your wife is NOWHERE CLOSE to reconciliation material.


----------



## Captain Obvious

Tattoo man probably told her he isn't going to leave his family for her, so she's decided to give you another chance, of course this is probably all after they had a farewell gorilla screw at the hotel.


----------



## Evinrude58

You are in back down doormat mode.
Don’t show your kids it’s ok to ignore cheating, lying, etc just because it’s easier at the moment. Allow fear to cause you to be walked on. Lots of people make excuses to do nothing. They stay in pain for years.

your wife has zero feelings for you. She’s only putting up an act to keep you making her life easier until she can monkey branch to the next tattoo guy. You really should get a divorce snd not tolerate this lousy person you’re married to.


----------



## Beach123

Tell her to find a place to live ASAP! She’s been rubbing her affair in your face and thinks with a few sweet (but lying) words you’ll just move back into position? Oh heck NO!

Make her work full time! Make her move. And don’t give her any benefits she’s had for so long.

Get custody of your kids! She’s a woman who abandoned her kids! She will do that again when she is interested in the next guy. 

Divorce her. She gives women a bad name. 

I’m sure her OM let her know he’s not going to make any future plans with her - so she ran home to secure her financial future thinking you’re so soft you’ll just take her back.

Do not take her back - she will cheat again.


----------



## GoldenR

MAF - 

Her doing all this stuff showing you that you're the one, that's her enacting her backup plan, aka you, bc Plan A didn't want her full time. 

You ok with being Plan B?


----------



## MattMatt

blackclover3 said:


> @MiddleAgedFool so you are plan C - not even a plan B
> you should've been firm and never communicated.
> 
> you should also followed what everyone said here.
> 
> if you are not going to take recommendation why are you posting wasting everyone time.
> 
> folks here been and see things you never even experienced.
> 
> she is playing you until she get her plan together whether it is financially or with someone else.
> 
> those tattoos were seen by another guy before you. so they are simple of cheating - basically another man marked on your wife and you are picking the left overs.
> 
> wake up and smell the roses


Just because people don't follow our advice to the letter (I mean, how dare they have a mind of their own, right? ) is no need for us to get all bent out of shape.


----------



## MattMatt

@MiddleAgedFool Do what you need to do. Protect yourself and your kids.


----------



## Rus47

TBH, after reading a lot of similar threads, it is obvious the betrayed like this OP is always in shock, trying to process and deal with the world they knew having been blown to bits by their wayward. People who have already walked the path from beginning to the end of course know what needs to happen. And can become frustrated that their advice isn't followed to the letter and immediately. But the newly victimized of course grabs at whatever straws they can find vainly attempting to get back to the world they had. They need patience and empathy from everyone. 

My advice to OP would be to seek solace and advice IRL from family and friends, cry on some real shoulders. The road he is walking is a long one, filled with potholes. But he can get through it, and someday just recall his wayward as someone he once knew.


----------



## Taxman

I can play out the scenario at the hotel. He finished, thanked her for the sex then told her there was another date waiting for him. Thanked her again and left. Her behavior is a defence mechanism. It’s retarded for sure, acting as if the past 72 odd hours did not occur. She is desperately searching for a way to address this without losing everything. She miscalculated and lost. A client let his wife yammer on for about two days. Told her he knew that OM was looking to bust a nut and now that he had, she was welcome to find an alternate living arrangement. That is when it all came out. She maintained that she had been bamboozled he told her stuff to sucker her into bed. SHE IS A VICTIM. He laughed her out of the room, and proceeded to expose her. Her lawyer said that this was a dog’s breakfast, and near impossible to defend. The divorce eviscerated her. She asked her husband for mercy, he stated that when she was deep in the fog, she treated him like ****. She said but you are a better person than me. He said not anymore. You get sweet **** all from me. She barely had enough to get back to her mothers house. Took nearly a decade to rebuild her life. She hears of her ex’s new wife and grits her teeth knowing how stupid she was and how she assumed that she could act in a terrible manner and be forgiven. Her life bears no resemblance to the one before divorce.


----------



## MiddleAgedFool

had consultation with lawyer, he laid out that her gone only a weekend will not count against abandonment. My state is a no fault state, i will be paying child support for two kids 10+ years and probably paying her alimony then she will get half my retirement cause we have been married the whole time i've been working. How in the hell is this fair ??? I really didn't think divorce would screw me over like this! So she basically gets to screw someone and then whats my payment for loyalty.....aw Sir you have to work another 10 years to get back what you lost....sorry for your luck.. No fault state ********.........to answer you all I have been doing 180 and just staying away as much as i can, she on other hand has already said she doesn't want to do marriage therapy. I didn't even ask her but she kinda just comes out and tells me things even when I dont ask. 

at the hotel she repeatedly tells me they didn't have sex there, said he showed up on the first day and told her he wasn't leaving his wife because he needed health insurance as I guess hes self employed or something. I was her "PLAN B" just as everyone said LoL ! Everything just makes me sick. She said they have been talking for 4 months so it wasn't just a quick 1 or 2 month affair


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## jonty30

MiddleAgedFool said:


> had consultation with lawyer, he laid out that her gone only a weekend will not count against abandonment. My state is a no fault state, i will be paying child support for two kids 10+ years and probably paying her alimony then she will get half my retirement cause we have been married the whole time i've been working. How in the hell is this fair ??? I really didn't think divorce would screw me over like this! So she basically gets to screw someone and then whats my payment for loyalty.....aw Sir you have to work another 10 years to get back what you lost....sorry for your luck.. No fault state ******.........to answer you all I have been doing 180 and just staying away as much as i can, she on other hand has already said she doesn't want to do marriage therapy. I didn't even ask her but she kinda just comes out and tells me things even when I dont ask.
> 
> at the hotel she repeatedly tells me they didn't have sex there, said he showed up on the first day and told her he wasn't leaving his wife because he needed health insurance as I guess hes self employed or something. I was her "PLAN B" just as everyone said LoL ! Everything just makes me sick. She said they have been talking for 4 months so it wasn't just a quick 1 or 2 month affair


Is starting a business, after the divorce, an option for you?
Your business would not be subject to any income seizure by the state to give to the wife.


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## Butforthegrace

MiddleAgedFool said:


> My state is a no fault state, i will be paying child support for two kids 10+ years and probably paying her alimony then she will get half my retirement cause we have been married the whole time i've been working. How in the hell is this fair ??? I really didn't think divorce would screw me over like this! So she basically gets to screw someone and then whats my payment for loyalty.


The main concern of the government is keeping people off of public assistance to the extent possible. The underlying philosophy of no-fault divorce is "the woman you're married to is the woman you'll be divorced from". If you're married to a woman who is dependent on you financially, that's the woman you'll be divorced from.


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## QuietRiot

MiddleAgedFool said:


> had consultation with lawyer, he laid out that her gone only a weekend will not count against abandonment. My state is a no fault state, i will be paying child support for two kids 10+ years and probably paying her alimony then she will get half my retirement cause we have been married the whole time i've been working. How in the hell is this fair ??? I really didn't think divorce would screw me over like this! So she basically gets to screw someone and then whats my payment for loyalty.....aw Sir you have to work another 10 years to get back what you lost....sorry for your luck.. No fault state ******.........to answer you all I have been doing 180 and just staying away as much as i can, she on other hand has already said she doesn't want to do marriage therapy. I didn't even ask her but she kinda just comes out and tells me things even when I dont ask.
> 
> at the hotel she repeatedly tells me they didn't have sex there, said he showed up on the first day and told her he wasn't leaving his wife because he needed health insurance as I guess hes self employed or something. I was her "PLAN B" just as everyone said LoL ! Everything just makes me sick. She said they have been talking for 4 months so it wasn't just a quick 1 or 2 month affair


While I don’t advocate just lying down and offering that stuff up on a silver platter… what’s it worth to you to get away from a cheating, useless wife who tells you the only reason she’s back home is because she got rejected for some health insurance?


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## Evinrude58

Very sorry, take your lumps and keep your head up. Remember this when the next one comes along . If not marry again if my fiancée didn’t earn at least as much as me. If they don’t work, cheating and divorce is Christmas in July for them.


----------



## Rus47

MiddleAgedFool said:


> had consultation with lawyer, he laid out that her gone only a weekend will not count against abandonment. My state is a no fault state, i will be paying child support for two kids 10+ years and probably paying her alimony then she will get half my retirement cause we have been married the whole time i've been working. How in the hell is this fair ??? I really didn't think divorce would screw me over like this! So she basically gets to screw someone and then whats my payment for loyalty.....aw Sir you have to work another 10 years to get back what you lost....sorry for your luck.. No fault state ******.........to answer you all I have been doing 180 and just staying away as much as i can, she on other hand has already said she doesn't want to do marriage therapy. I didn't even ask her but she kinda just comes out and tells me things even when I dont ask.
> 
> at the hotel she repeatedly tells me they didn't have sex there, said he showed up on the first day and told her he wasn't leaving his wife because he needed health insurance as I guess hes self employed or something. I was her "PLAN B" just as everyone said LoL ! Everything just makes me sick. She said they have been talking for 4 months so it wasn't just a quick 1 or 2 month affair


Whatever the exit tax, it will be worth it in your sanity. She has already divorced you months ago, there is nothing there to rescue. Unfair yes, but such is most of life. 

Expose her to your family and friends. Lean on them hard. Leave her in the rearview mirror.


----------



## jsmart

MiddleAgedFool said:


> at the hotel *she repeatedly tells me they didn't have sex there*, said he showed up on the first day and told her he wasn't leaving his wife because he needed health insurance as I guess hes self employed or something. *I was her "PLAN B" just as everyone said *LoL ! Everything just makes me sick. She said *they have been talking for 4 months so it wasn't just a quick 1 or 2 month affair*


She didn’t have sex at the hotel? So she declared her affections for tattoo at the hotel, stayed for 3 nights but didn’t have sex with him? Right. This sexual affair began when she became cold towards you. I would bet that he had her before the first tattoo. 

I see she’s already backing down on her sweetness. It was a short burst of effort on her part to try to muscle up enthusiasm for you but her heart is still with tattoo. Affairs are very addictive. Any woman that would abandon her kids is like a crack addict. If he would have not been a complete loser and said he was willing to be with her but without the kids, she would have bounced.

I’m glad you have started the ball rolling on D and that you’re implementing the 180. Once she gets served, she will go from desperately fighting for you to becoming a complete vindictive beotch. Unless she gets serious help and does a complete 180 in fighting for you, continue with the D.

In the short term she will be very mopey and crying. Those are not tears for the hurt she has caused you or for what she’s done to the family. Those are her feeling sorry for herself and missing OM. Even though her affair was only 4 months, it will take quite a bit of time for her to get him out of her system. She built up quite a fantasy world with this guy. But like most OM, he was in it for the easy pus... 

He needed to stay with his wife for the health insurance? What a complete loser. Make sure to throw that in her face. Ask her “Is that who you wanted to break up our family for? “.

also, Make sure you’re getting lots of fluids. If you can’t eat, drink some Ensures, Muscle Milk or a similar drink. They’re loaded with needed calories, vitamins, and protein. Also go workout or run. You need to burn off the stress. We’re here for you. Keep posting. There’s always someone on TAM that you can bounce ideas off of.


----------



## Evinrude58

JSmart had some accurate and good stuff there OP. We’ve been where you are. It’s difficult to see things clearly right now in your pain. We’ve all felt it.


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## Marc878

MiddleAgedFool said:


> update: as you all know she stayed at a hotel the day she told me about the affair. Then she spent the next night there too, she came back the next day and was all lovey telling me she loves me and im the one and she's so sorry. Total 180 from the day prior where she was cold, no emotion, told me how unhappy she was, recalled everything i ever did wrong in the marriage (no cheating). Im so confused, Im just numb, im not playing the pick me dance, im just numb and feel lonely, I look at her tattoos and just get instantly pissed and the mind movies, and she came right out and told me when, where, how long, told me about the sex, i didn't even ask, she just told me, told me things im sure she didn't have too 🤢🤢 F*UK !!!!!!!!! F*UK!!!!!!!!!!!! I never wanted to raised my kids in a divorced family !!! I lived that and I hated it and remember it all when I was a child.


She happily left to be with her other man. Like everyone says he dumped her. Now she’s back for a comfy landing spot. Her words now don’t mean squat. All cheaters lie a lot. Why are you confused? Her actions tell you all you need to know. 
Being a martyr is hard thankless work.


----------



## Marc878

You are a chump only if you allow it.


----------



## re16

MiddleAgedFool said:


> had consultation with lawyer, he laid out that her gone only a weekend will not count against abandonment. My state is a no fault state, i will be paying child support for two kids 10+ years and probably paying her alimony then she will get half my retirement cause we have been married the whole time i've been working. How in the hell is this fair ??? I really didn't think divorce would screw me over like this! So she basically gets to screw someone and then whats my payment for loyalty.....aw Sir you have to work another 10 years to get back what you lost....sorry for your luck.. No fault state ******.........to answer you all I have been doing 180 and just staying away as much as i can, she on other hand has already said she doesn't want to do marriage therapy. I didn't even ask her but she kinda just comes out and tells me things even when I dont ask.
> 
> at the hotel she repeatedly tells me they didn't have sex there, said he showed up on the first day and told her he wasn't leaving his wife because he needed health insurance as I guess hes self employed or something. I was her "PLAN B" just as everyone said LoL ! Everything just makes me sick. She said they have been talking for 4 months so it wasn't just a quick 1 or 2 month affair


MAF, so sorry this happening... you are in the thick of the toughest part of this.

The affair is not over, don't think she isn't texting him trying to figure out how to get back with him, even as a side piece for him.

She is lying about the hotel in an attempt to minimize the damage.

Is she still trying to say she wants to stay married?

Have you talked to OM's wife just to hear her side of the full story, two betrayed spouses sharing stories usually enlightens both parties, I'm sure there is stuff she knows that you don't....

Your wife will probably vacillate between depression, anger toward you for causing this to happen to her (history re-write), and trying to love bomb you.

The divorce will be expensive, but to be honest, that is the price of freedom from her, and it is worth every penny.

The famous Winston Churchill quote applies here: "when you're going through hell, keep going".... have a list of every step forward you can make each day, and make sure it happens.

There will be days when you can't make progress on the divorce process, but you can still have things like _do not respond to stbxw except for things related to kids_, _exercise_.... those are all part of the process too.

Be sure to expose this to mutual friends, all family members etc before she re-writes it for them.

Stay strong....


----------



## Rus47

MiddleAgedFool said:


> had consultation with lawyer, he laid out that her gone only a weekend will not count against abandonment. My state is a no fault state, i will be paying child support for two kids 10+ years and probably paying her alimony then she will get half my retirement cause we have been married the whole time i've been working. How in the hell is this fair ??? I really didn't think divorce would screw me over like this! So she basically gets to screw someone and then whats my payment for loyalty.....aw Sir you have to work another 10 years to get back what you lost....sorry for your luck.. No fault state ******.........to answer you all I have been doing 180 and just staying away as much as i can, she on other hand has already said she doesn't want to do marriage therapy. I didn't even ask her but she kinda just comes out and tells me things even when I dont ask.
> 
> at the hotel she repeatedly tells me they didn't have sex there, said he showed up on the first day and told her he wasn't leaving his wife because he needed health insurance as I guess hes self employed or something. I was her "PLAN B" just as everyone said LoL ! Everything just makes me sick. She said they have been talking for 4 months so it wasn't just a quick 1 or 2 month affair


One thing you maybe mentioned, but if not get tested ASAP for STI. And whatever you do, don’t ever have sex with her. You have no idea who she has been with since she started her wayward ways. She may have done all of tattoos friends as well as tattoo multiple times and be loaded with disease already. Of course you dont want her getting pregnant by you. And start wearing a VAR all of the time. Interact as little as possible.


----------



## re16

Rus47 said:


> . Of course you dont want her getting pregnant by you.


^^^^^^^ This part is critical, many a wayward has gotten pregnant as a means of trying to prolong the marriage.^^^^^^

You might want to order a DNA paternity test for your kids, even if you are positive they are yours, it will have the effect of showing your WW how severly she has broken your trust.

If she at all is talking reconciliation, your response should be that she provide a detailed timeline of everything that happened, before you even begin that discussion... it will help to start locking her down to a story... liars have a hard time remembering their previous lies.


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## re16

Have you confirmed that her sister was officially covering for her? Seems like maybe her family knew about this to some extent.


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## MiddleAgedFool

re16 said:


> Have you confirmed that her sister was officially covering for her? Seems like maybe her family knew about this to some extent.
> [/QUOTE
> 
> I asked sister and she tells me she had no knowledge and she never talked about it. All she did was say that she noticed him liking a-lot of her facebook post.. Apparently thats a thing now which i had no idea about


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## Rus47

re16 said:


> Have you confirmed that her sister was officially covering for her? Seems like maybe her family knew about this to some extent.


Remember her mom saw tatoo also. Maybe tatoo has done all of the females in ww family.

Maybe he is unusually endowed. If so, she probably shared the news with mom n sis, told MAF how wonderful Tattoo was, just to turn the knife.


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## Jeffsmith35

MAF, privately mourn the loss of the person you thought was your Wife, because she is dead and gone forever. Realize that you can never trust her again, and that you are far better off without her going forward. It will take time. But the evil she committed against your entire family is inexcusable and should not be forgiven or forgotten. It's almost like the person you married committed suicide and was replaced by a doppelganger.


----------



## re16

Jeffsmith35 said:


> MAF, privately mourn the loss of the person you thought was your Wife, because she is dead and gone forever. Realize that you can never trust her again, and that you are far better off without her going forward. It will take time. But the evil she committed against your entire family is inexcusable and should not be forgiven or forgotten. It's almost like the person you married committed suicide and was replaced by a doppelganger.


The hardest part is realizing that the person she was in your mind, likely never actually existed in reality. She had this in her, the whole time.

The pedestal you placed her on previously needs to be chopped off at the base.


----------



## Gabriel

Sorry Brother. This is a lot of pain. And yes, it seems divorce is super unfair. 

Someone once said "Divorce is expensive because it's worth it"

But seriously, it's ********. This one of the reasons why people hate their Exes.


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## OnTheRocks

This is what divorce looks like from behind a penis. My cheating ex made about 40% more than I did when we split up, but guess who is paying who 20% of their after-tax paycheck? It's still worth not being married to her, though.


----------



## Talker67

Rus47 said:


> Remember her mom saw tatoo also. Maybe tatoo has done all of the females in ww family.
> 
> Maybe he is unusually endowed. If so, she probably shared the news with mom n sis, told MAF how wonderful Tattoo was, just to turn the knife.


I don't get the fascination with Tattoo!









he doesn't LOOK like a stud!


----------



## jsmart

Lol, too funny. She was willing to throw her family away for a freaking loser whose dependent on his wife’s Health insurance. Also, let’s not forget the guy is almost old enough to be her father. Freaking disgusting.

I can tell that @MiddleAgedFool was trying to be a good husband and father. He was holding down the fort while his wife was out playing single girl but he thought he was giving his stressed out wife a break. 

Even though his heart is broken and he’s probably afraid of the future of his family, his future will be brighter. Single father who quickly divorced after he was betrayed by ex will be seen as a strong man who’s a catch. His stbx will not fair as well. She will have to lie about her past to get anyone to commit to her because only a fool would wife up an adulterous woman.


----------



## Rus47

Talker67 said:


> I don't get the fascination with Tattoo!
> View attachment 79969
> 
> 
> he doesn't LOOK like a stud!


He is clothed 😆


----------



## Rus47

jsmart said:


> Lol, too funny. She was willing to throw her family away for a freaking loser whose dependent on his wife’s Health insurance. Also, let’s not forget the guy is almost old enough to be her father. Freaking disgusting.
> 
> I can tell that @MiddleAgedFool was trying to be a good husband and father. He was holding down the fort while his wife was out playing single girl but he thought he was giving his stressed out wife a break.
> 
> Even though his heart is broken and he’s probably afraid of the future of his family, his future will be brighter. Single father who quickly divorced after he was betrayed by ex will be seen as a strong man who’s a catch. His stbx will not fair as well. She will have to lie about her past to get anyone to commit to her because only a fool would wife up an adulterous woman.


I am thinking WW will end up a biker chick. She has the hair and tattoos already. And the morals.


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## skerzoid

Have you contacted tatoo-man's wife yet? 

The reason divorcing is expensive is because it is worth it.

She left you. That's bad. She left her kids. That's unforgivable.

*UNFORGIVABLE!!!*


----------



## jsmart

skerzoid said:


> Have you contacted tatoo-man's wife yet?
> 
> The reason divorcing is expensive is because it is worth it.
> 
> She left you. That's bad. She left her kids. That's unforgivable.
> 
> *UNFORGIVABLE!!!*


I too think @MiddleAgedFool should reach out to tattoo's wife. She may have additional info that could help answer questions he may have and he can in turn help her. It is always good when betrayed spouses team up. Look at how @VintageRetro got so much help from the other betrayed spouse. Even if he doesn't get many answers, if he can help her, it can help OP get some satisfaction in wrecking his ****.

I too think what she did is unforgivable but OP may waiver if she is willing to fight for him. Will she fight for him? If she does, will it be her really just fighting to avoid becoming a single mom? It will be tough for OP to really know because just a few days ago she was blatantly trying to monkey branch.

Then there's the depression issue. His wife was on serious meds and then stopped cold turkey. I believe this all coincided with her affair. That's why getting a timeline of the affair is important. He can put the pieces together of the affair and the meds. I can tell this guy still loves his wife. With them having 2 kids together, I could see him feeling obligated to give her a chance if she turns it around. Every guy here knows that we all have a white knight inside of us. Some can fight it but most will try to fix it. Either path, I want to help OP.


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## Evinrude58

I am not interested in helping this guy if he chooses reconciliation with this one, even if I had something to offer. I think in this case, his wife is just not a keeper in any way. Really a low person based on what she did, how she treated him, how she is attempting to use him further.


----------



## Rus47

Evinrude58 said:


> I am not interested in helping this guy if he chooses reconciliation with this one, even if I had something to offer. I think in this case, his wife is just not a keeper in any way. Really a low person based on what she did, how she treated him, how she is attempting to use him further.


Just from a little different perspective, a mental illness can turn a person into someone unrecognizable. We have had friends and relatives go totally off of the deep end from depression, ptsd, and in one case a brain tumor. Wife of a friend, after 30 years married and grandkids insisted she heard voices telling her to leave her family and join a commune. Which she did.

Psychiatric issues treated with multiple strong medications can add to the problems, and if a person "gets off of their meds", the results can be horrendous. People with these issues can't be reasoned with because they aren't playing with a full deck in the first place.


----------



## MiddleAgedFool

jsmart said:


> I can tell that @MiddleAgedFool was trying to be a good husband and father. He was holding down the fort while his wife was out playing single girl but he thought he was giving his stressed out wife a break.


This is 100% correct, then she tells me we didn't do anything together, I should of not let her go, I should of showed I cared by not allowing her to go by herself... Gee sorry I'm sorry no grandparent will help watch kids even though we live in the same zip code, My fault that I'm the only earner and after paying bills there isn't anything left to do extra things. I think im doing the right thing by giving her space and time to take care of her, thinking she needs time away from family and all the stress 🤯


----------



## Blondilocks

I don't know how much a tatoo costs, but she could have used that money to hire a babysitter and you two could have taken in a movie or just go out to have a drink together. Don't let her blameshift her despicable behavior onto you.


----------



## Rus47

Blondilocks said:


> I don't know how much a tatoo costs, but she could have used that money to hire a babysitter and you two could have taken in a movie or just go out to have a drink together. Don't let her blameshift her despicable behavior onto you.


Our 21 year-old granddaughter spent $50 on ONE rather small tattoo. They aren’t cheap.


----------



## jsmart

Blondilocks said:


> I don't know how much a tatoo costs, but she could have used that money to hire a babysitter and you two could have taken in a movie or just go out to have a drink together. Don't let her blameshift her despicable behavior onto you.


Do you really think she paid for those tattoos? I’m pretty sure those were done around the time she consummated her relationship with tattoo. No, those were paid for with sex.


----------



## Gabriel

This is the classic tale of a woman going after some bad boy, loving it, and in her foggy brain she thinks she deserves this and will leave the family.

But then the bad boy says hey wait a minute, this is just sex, I'm not gonna marry you. And suddenly, lo and behold, the woman comes back and tells the husband, never mind, I'm here, I was never really gonna leave.

Pfffffffftttt

Bye Felicia.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Rus47 said:


> One thing you maybe mentioned, but if not get tested ASAP for STI. And whatever you do, don’t ever have sex with her. You have no idea who she has been with since she started her wayward ways. She may have done all of tattoos friends as well as tattoo multiple times and be loaded with disease already. Of course you dont want her getting pregnant by you. And start wearing a VAR all of the time. Interact as little as possible.


Wonder if he realizes many tattooist are or were convicts. I have supervised several on parole. Many have hepatitis or worse. How many other side chicks with diseases has he banged in exchange for ink work?


----------



## Divinely Favored

Talker67 said:


> I don't get the fascination with Tattoo!
> View attachment 79969
> 
> 
> he doesn't LOOK like a stud!


A stub...hey he was a cool little dude back in the day.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Blondilocks said:


> I don't know how much a tatoo costs, but she could have used that money to hire a babysitter and you two could have taken in a movie or just go out to have a drink together. Don't let her blameshift her despicable behavior onto you.


He did not cost $.... Only her marriage.


----------



## Evinrude58

Blondilocks said:


> I don't know how much a tatoo costs, but she could have used that money to hire a babysitter and you two could have taken in a movie or just go out to have a drink together. Don't let her blameshift her despicable behavior onto you.


They’re expensive unless you’re ****ing the guy doing the tattoo.


----------



## Talker67

jsmart said:


> Do you really think she *paid for those tattoos? *I’m pretty sure those were done around the time she consummated her relationship with tattoo. No, those were paid for with sex.


well, it was more of a "sweat equity" arrangement


----------



## Evinrude58

Rus47 said:


> Just from a little different perspective, a mental illness can turn a person into someone unrecognizable. We have had friends and relatives go totally off of the deep end from depression, ptsd, and in one case a brain tumor. Wife of a friend, after 30 years married and grandkids insisted she heard voices telling her to leave her family and join a commune. Which she did.
> 
> Psychiatric issues treated with multiple strong medications can add to the problems, and if a person "gets off of their meds", the results can be horrendous. People with these issues can't be reasoned with because they aren't playing with a full deck in the first place.


Yes, I agree. I disagree in this case. But regardless, mental illness is grounds for divorce and mental illness that results in bouncing other guys— deal breaker for me.


----------



## jsmart

Divinely Favored said:


> Wonder if he realizes many tattooist are or were convicts. I have supervised several on parole. Many have hepatitis or worse. How many other side chicks with diseases has he banged in exchange for ink work?


This is something that OP needs to be concerned about since I’m sure he’s had sex with his wife during her affair. I suppose that an actual tattoo parlor would have strict hygiene standards with their tools but a guy doing this on the side at his house, not to sure. There was a huge problem around the country in the recent past with hepatitis being spread through the needles that the tattoo machine uses to pierce the skin. So she could have gotten infected that way. 

But you also have the bad boy attraction. Many women will QUICKLY give it up to a guy who’s attraction is his edgyness. So I would not be surprised if tattoo has been cleaning up with these emotionally damaged girls. He could have an std or maybe just a carrier of one and not even know it. Either way, @MiddleAgedFool needs to get himself checked too.


----------



## GusPolinski

MiddleAgedFool said:


> update: as you all know she stayed at a hotel the day she told me about the affair. Then she spent the next night there too, she came back the next day and was all lovey telling me she loves me and im the one and she's so sorry. Total 180 from the day prior where she was cold, no emotion, told me how unhappy she was, recalled everything i ever did wrong in the marriage (no cheating). Im so confused, Im just numb, im not playing the pick me dance, im just numb and feel lonely, I look at her tattoos and just get instantly pissed and the mind movies, and she came right out and told me when, where, how long, told me about the sex, i didn't even ask, she just told me, told me things im sure she didn't have too 🤢🤢 F*UK !!!!!!!!! F*UK!!!!!!!!!!!! I never wanted to raised my kids in a divorced family !!! I lived that and I hated it and remember it all when I was a child.


Sounds like she got dumped once things became a bit too much for OM after his wife found out.

Either way, time for divorce. Sorry man.


----------



## syhoybenden

Gabriel said:


> This is the classic tale of a woman going after some bad boy, loving it, and in her foggy brain she thinks she deserves this and will leave the family.
> 
> But then the bad boy says hey wait a minute, this is just sex, I'm not gonna marry you. And suddenly, lo and behold, the woman comes back and tells the husband, never mind, I'm here, I was never really gonna leave.
> 
> Pfffffffftttt
> 
> Bye Felicia.


----------



## GusPolinski

MiddleAgedFool said:


> had consultation with lawyer, he laid out that her gone only a weekend will not count against abandonment. My state is a no fault state, i will be paying child support for two kids 10+ years and probably paying her alimony then she will get half my retirement cause we have been married the whole time i've been working. How in the hell is this fair ??? I really didn't think divorce would screw me over like this! So she basically gets to screw someone and then whats my payment for loyalty.....aw Sir you have to work another 10 years to get back what you lost....sorry for your luck.. No fault state ******.........to answer you all I have been doing 180 and just staying away as much as i can, she on other hand has already said she doesn't want to do marriage therapy. I didn't even ask her but she kinda just comes out and tells me things even when I dont ask.
> 
> at the hotel she repeatedly tells me they didn't have sex there, said he showed up on the first day and told her he wasn't leaving his wife because he needed health insurance as I guess hes self employed or something. I was her "PLAN B" just as everyone said LoL ! Everything just makes me sick. She said they have been talking for 4 months so it wasn't just a quick 1 or 2 month affair


Is this where the “cheaper to keep her” clause gets invoked?


----------



## QuietRiot

GusPolinski said:


> Is this where the “cheaper to keep her” clause gets invoked?


Well, I suppose he could change this to a platonic marriage, and open himself up to date others. And maybe try to encourage her to get a job before divorcing eventually. “I’ll pay the bills, you need to get a job for your personal expenses.” Type thing? I can’t think of many options for him. Swallowing his own vomit to touch the dirty ho in trying a reconciliation doesn’t seem like a good option. But I guess that’s one too.


----------



## QuietGuy

I would suggest that if he decides to allow her back it should be conditional on them getting a divorce on terms he finds acceptable and she must find a part time job. Once the youngest is in school she must work full time. All this with the understanding that if the arrangement works until the kids are old enough to leave home, they will both review their situation and decide to continue on or go their separate ways. I also agree she should pay to have the tatoos removed.


----------



## Rus47

QuietRiot said:


> Well, I suppose he could change this to a platonic marriage, and open himself up to date others. And maybe try to encourage her to get a job before divorcing eventually. “I’ll pay the bills, you need to get a job for your personal expenses.” Type thing? I can’t think of many options for him. Swallowing his own vomit to touch the dirty ho in trying a reconciliation doesn’t seem like a good option. But I guess that’s one too.


All of this just seems so complex and contorted. It will take him awhile, but hopefully he will see that there isn't anything to build on. He was bamboozled, made a fool of, disrespected, shyt on by this wayward. Nothing unusual in his plight or what she now is. 

The house burnt to the ground, including the foundation. The car was totaled and burned afterwards. The marriage is a total loss. He just has to pay the bills and begin life anew. Healing can't come until he removes the cancer of the wayward from his and his kids lives.


----------



## QuietRiot

Rus47 said:


> All of this just seems so complex and contorted. It will take him awhile, but hopefully he will see that there isn't anything to build on. He was bamboozled, made a fool of, disrespected, shyt on by this wayward. Nothing unusual in his plight or what she now is.
> 
> The house burnt to the ground, including the foundation. The car was totaled and burned afterwards. The marriage is a total loss. He just has to pay the bills and begin life anew. Healing can't come until he removes the cancer of the wayward from his and his kids lives.


I hope so too Rus. I was just mulling his less palatable options. There isn’t many choices in this for him. Unfortunately.


----------



## QuietRiot

QuietGuy said:


> I would suggest that if he decides to allow her back it should be conditional on them getting a divorce on terms he finds acceptable and she must find a part time job. Once the youngest is in school she must work full time. All this with the understanding that if the arrangement works until the kids are old enough to leave home, they will both review their situation and decide to continue on or go their separate ways. I also agree she should pay to have the tatoos removed.


She’s working from a place of having the upper hand here. If he divorces her she gets half, and then alimony and child support. If he keeps her, she can continue to do whatever she wants. She doesn’t seem to mind losing her kids though she will probably use them for a payday if they are divorced. There is no bad option for her. She already took the initiative to say she’s not attending counseling so I doubt removing her tattoos painfully, likely in several visits will appeal either. She has zero incentive to do so.

Crappy situation. But I would hope OP finds it worth the $ to just get her out of his life.


----------



## bankshot1993

Why is divorce so expensive... because its worth it.

I know that divorce terms really seem unfair at the moment and don't get me started on the way the law financially incentivizes women to divorce (is it any wonder 80% of divorces are initiated by women). What I will point out is that divorce will be a lot cheaper now than it will be 10 years from now.

You comment about losing half of your retirement savings, better to lose half of 9 years worth of savings than half of 20 years worth of savings.

Better to pay spousal support based on a 9 year marriage than a 20 year marriage.

Better to lose 9 years worth of equity in a house instead of a completely paid off house.

Better to lose a cheating, lying wife when your 32 and have time to start over than to lose a lying, cheating wife at 55 and get wiped out right before retirement.

Yep, divorcing is expensive, but every year you are still together it gets more expensive.


----------



## Megaforce

re16 said:


> Was she with him this weekend?


I loved watching my kids, despite working all day. Thought my wife needed a break. It got absurd. She was out until after 2am 112 out of 180 nights. Then, I came across her writings in a drawer, describing her desire to " stop having sex with strangers ".
I suspect you are going to find she is cheating. I will read on to see.


----------



## Evinrude58

QuietRiot said:


> She’s working from a place of having the upper hand here. If he divorces her she gets half, and then alimony and child support. If he keeps her, she can continue to do whatever she wants. She doesn’t seem to mind losing her kids though she will probably use them for a payday if they are divorced. There is no bad option for her. She already took the initiative to say she’s not attending counseling so I doubt removing her tattoos painfully, likely in several visits will appeal either. She has zero incentive to do so.
> 
> Crappy situation. But I would hope OP finds it worth the $ to just get her out of his life.


Sadly, this is all 100% accurate.


----------



## marko polo

QuietRiot said:


> She’s working from a place of having the upper hand here. If he divorces her she gets half, and then alimony and child support. If he keeps her, she can continue to do whatever she wants. She doesn’t seem to mind losing her kids though she will probably use them for a payday if they are divorced. There is no bad option for her. She already took the initiative to say she’s not attending counseling so I doubt removing her tattoos painfully, likely in several visits will appeal either. She has zero incentive to do so.
> 
> Crappy situation. But I would hope OP finds it worth the $ to just get her out of his life.


She only has the upper hand if he chooses to give it to her by choice or by default / inaction.

I doubt either option will work for her practically. If they part ways and she gets support what good will it do her? She will squander it. In a sea of single moms what is the best she can expect to replace her devoted husband with? 

Let's assume husband stays with her. What happens if another woman likes what she sees and acts on her desires. The loyalty the cheating wife could have depended on before isn't there anymore. What if OP decides to actively take advantage of the marriage his wife opened up by dating other women. Sure his wife can threaten divorce but if that's what she really wanted she would be pressing for divorce right now. 

If OP decides to start *putting his own best interests first* it really doesn't matter what he choses to do, he will come out alright. Yes there will be a price but it will be a price *he has chosen to pay,* an outcome he has decided is acceptable. This is a happier existence than settling for whatever misery a selfish and ungrateful partner has decided for you in their own best interests.


----------



## Megaforce

The position you find yourself in is pretty standard for a man whose wife stayed home with the kids. 10 years seems to be the magic number for the length of a marriage generating long term alimony. So, maybe you can avoid it to some extent. Jurisdictions vary on this.
Perhaps fight for 50/ 50 physical custody. Things are better for guys nowadays in this area. Not perfectly equitable but better now. That should reduce child support payments.


----------



## Rus47

...


----------



## Kamstel2

MAF, 
Just wanted to reach out to you to see how you are doing. 
Hang in there. I promise you will escape the hell that she has put you in.

Good luck and stay strong.


----------



## MiddleAgedFool

im trying to get by, she's love bombing me and saying how she f'ed up and she will never do it again, I tell her I cant be with her and she threatens suicide by taking pills.... Everything is in shambles. And my problem is Ive always been a "fixer" and I cant fix anything, everything is broken and I cant do anything about it.....I feel hopeless like it doesn't matter which way I go, I STILL LOSE !


----------



## Evinrude58

Threatening suicide is a total manipulation tactic and very common among people who are accustomed to always getting what they want (selfish people). You should record her saying this on a VAR and call the police next time she threatens.


----------



## GusPolinski

MiddleAgedFool said:


> im trying to get by, she's love bombing me and saying how she f'ed up and she will never do it again, I tell her I cant be with her and she threatens suicide by taking pills.... Everything is in shambles. And my problem is Ive always been a "fixer" and I cant fix anything, everything is broken and I cant do anything about it.....I feel hopeless like it doesn't matter which way I go, I STILL LOSE !


Tell her that the minimum required for reconciliation is for her to have all the tattoos removed and at her own expense. This will require her to get a job. Once she’s managed to save up enough to get that done, she’ll have established that she’s capable of working to support herself.

Should make things easier on you financially once you ultimately divorce.


----------



## Landofblue

Not sure if you’re consistently reading here but if you are, i urge you to be simple and honest in your replies to her. Something like…

_“You’ve broken all trust. This will take years to repair. I am not sure you have it in you to do what it will take. I need actions not words. 

Start by researching what it takes to rebuild after an affair and work on presenting me the first draft of a written plan by next weekend. 

I won’t do it for you, but I will give you a couple of hints. If your plan doesn’t include these things then you might as well not even present it at all:_

_How you plan on being no contact with the piece of **** you cheated with_
_Complete transparency of all your electronics. I read everything and you delete nothing_
_You have every tattoo he gave you removed. By someone other than him of course I will be there when it happens. _
_You write down a complete timeline of your affair. What you said. What you did physically (who did what to whom). What you thought about. What you felt. How you thought about me. Each interaction. _

_That’s just a start. I can think of 25more things you need to do. But you need to figure out what some of those things are and present them to me. 

Lastly, and this is the most important. If you still have this man in your heart, then there is no us. So figure out if you still have feelings for this man, and if you do, if you can’t see him as anyone other than the broken person who helped you destroy your family, then you might as well go be with him. I will not share your heart with any man. I need to be my partners one and only. If that’s not the case then there is no rebuilding, and no future for us. 

I look forward to hearing from you with what I asked for above. Until I see that from you and you have done much of the work to fix yourself and rebuild, I will be continuing on a path to rid you and your infidelity from my life.”_

That’s it my friend. Honestly state what you need to consider rebuilding and don’t stop moving away from you until you see and feel her doing it.

Please keep posting. We can only help when you interact with us.


----------



## Rus47

Landofblue said:


> Not sure if you’re consistently reading here but if you are, i urge you to be simple and honest in your replies to her. Something like…
> 
> _“You’ve broken all trust. This will take years to repair. I am not sure you have it in you to do what it will take. I need actions not words.
> 
> Start by researching what it takes to rebuild after an affair and work on presenting me the first draft of a written plan by next weekend.
> 
> I won’t do it for you, but I will give you a couple of hints. If your plan doesn’t include these things then you might as well not even present it at all:_
> 
> _How you plan on being no contact with the piece of **** you cheated with_
> _Complete transparency of all your electronics. I read everything and you delete nothing_
> _You have every tattoo he gave you removed. By someone other than him of course I will be there when it happens. _
> _You write down a complete timeline of your affair. What you said. What you did physically (who did what to whom). What you thought about. What you felt. How you thought about me. Each interaction. _
> 
> _That’s just a start. I can think of 25more things you need to do. But you need to figure out what some of those things are and present them to me.
> 
> Lastly, and this is the most important. If you still have this man in your heart, then there is no us. So figure out if you still have feelings for this man, and if you do, if you can’t see him as anyone other than the broken person who helped you destroy your family, then you might as well go be with him. I will not share your heart with any man. I need to be my partners one and only. If that’s not the case then there is no rebuilding, and no future for us.
> 
> I look forward to hearing from you with what I asked for above. Until I see that from you and you have done much of the work to fix yourself and rebuild, I will be continuing on a path to rid you and your infidelity from my life.”_
> 
> That’s it my friend. Honestly state what you need to consider rebuilding and don’t stop moving away from you until you see and feel her doing it.
> 
> Please keep posting. We can only help when you interact with us.


The only thing is, even if the WW begins down this road, there is high likelihood of falling off the wagon a month, year, or decade down the road. Why should the OP invest one more millisecond in this person?


----------



## BigDaddyNY

GusPolinski said:


> Tell her that the minimum required for reconciliation is for her to have all the tattoos removed and at her own expense. This will require her to get a job. Once she’s managed to save up enough to get that done, she’ll have established that she’s capable of working to support herself.
> 
> Should make things easier on you financially once you ultimately divorce.


Definitely have to get rid of the tattoos. They would be a permanent trigger.


----------



## Rus47

MiddleAgedFool said:


> im trying to get by, she's love bombing me and saying how she f'ed up and she will never do it again, I tell her I cant be with her and she threatens suicide by taking pills.... Everything is in shambles. And my problem is Ive always been a "fixer" and I cant fix anything, everything is broken and I cant do anything about it.....I feel hopeless like it doesn't matter which way I go, I STILL LOSE !


You didn't break it. She did. She is who blew everything up. You can't fix her or everything she broke. You will win by focusing on yourself and your kids. The next time she threatens suicide, call the police and tell them that she is threatening suicide and you are concerned for her safety and the safety of your children. Actually, you should call them and recount her threats. I wouldn't want to sleep in a house with a suicidal person.


----------



## jsmart

MiddleAgedFool said:


> im trying to get by, she's love bombing me and saying how she f'ed up and she will never do it again, I tell her I cant be with her and she threatens suicide by taking pills.... Everything is in shambles. And my problem is Ive always been a "fixer" and I cant fix anything, everything is broken and I cant do anything about it.....I feel hopeless like it doesn't matter which way I go, I STILL LOSE !


I understand that despite the betrayal and abandonment you just can’t turn off the love you feel for her. Add in the fear of the “family” courts using the no fault divorce laws to award your adulterous wife cash and prizes, thereby relegating you to the poor house, while also making you a part time dad, and I can see your reluctance to pursue D. 

While I advise for moving forward with D, I understand that I’m not the one facing the gun. If you’re going to possibly give R a chance, you must have her fight for it.

I think that @Landofblue laid out a good plan and very reasonable demands.


----------



## re16

MiddleAgedFool said:


> im trying to get by, she's love bombing me and saying how she f'ed up and she will never do it again, I tell her I cant be with her and she threatens suicide by taking pills.... Everything is in shambles. And my problem is Ive always been a "fixer" and I cant fix anything, everything is broken and I cant do anything about it.....I feel hopeless like it doesn't matter which way I go, I STILL LOSE !


MAF, classic cheater script moves. You can fix this, by swiftly removing her from your life. Winning at this point is not accepting back a cheater and being plan B, then starting a new and better life for yourself.

Stick with it, it will get better, but you have to chip away at the process aggressively.


----------



## anchorwatch

MiddleAgedFool said:


> im trying to get by, she's love bombing me and saying how she f'ed up and she will never do it again, I tell her I cant be with her and she threatens suicide by taking pills.... Everything is in shambles. And my problem is Ive always been a "fixer" and I cant fix anything, everything is broken and I cant do anything about it.....I feel hopeless like it doesn't matter which way I go, I STILL LOSE !


SLOW IT DOWN! PUT EVERYTHING ON HOLD!

You don't have to do or decide anything TODAY!!! 

Despite what good advice you're getting, sadly, it's going to take a long time before your head can catch up to your emotions and what actually is happening. 

The standard advice is to never make a life-changing decision under emotional stress. Till then keep her at arm's length.

It's unfortunate, she's poisoned the well. You can't fix that.

It's vital to eat well, hydrate, get in regular exercise (even if it's just walking), no alcohol or recreational drugs. See an IC and use your MD if you need something to take the edge off.

Stick to the 180 rules

Best


----------



## OnTheRocks

Go for a postnup now while she's desperate to keep the marriage.


----------



## manwithnoname

One of two things happens EVERY TIME in a scenario like this.

1. The cheater is dumped and then does what OP's wife is doing now.

2 The cheater carries on with the affair and ends up divorcing, either by her choice or betrayed spouse's choice. 

OP, get in the driver's seat, you control where you go and how fast you get there. 

You just need to figure out where you want to be.


----------



## Casual Observer

@MiddleAgedFool - The tattoos are, right now, everything. Nothing to be discussed until the physical evidence is GONE. Further it’s a REALLY bad sign that she didn’t already start on that process without you asking. REALLY bad. It’s a demonstration of how little regard she has for you.

Period.


----------



## jsmart

anchorwatch said:


> SLOW IT DOWN! PUT EVERYTHING ON HOLD!
> 
> You don't have to do or decide anything TODAY!!!
> 
> Despite what good advice you're getting, sadly, it's going to take a long time before your head can catch up to your emotions and what actually is happening.
> 
> The standard advice is to never make a life-changing decision under emotional stress. Till then keep her at arm's length.
> 
> It's unfortunate, she's poisoned the well. You can't fix that.
> 
> It's vital to eat well, hydrate, get in regular exercise (even if it's just walking), no alcohol or recreational drugs. See an IC and use your MD if you need something to take the edge off.
> 
> Stick to the 180 rules
> 
> Best


@MiddleAgedFool Please take heed of this advice to slow down. Besides, you’re not emotionally ready to make life changing decisions. Yes there are a few key demands you should make. Key among them is removal of the 2 tattoos that POS gave her, her being a complete open book, and absolutely know contact with OM or anyone that was purposely covering up for her. Then you can have her provide you a timeline of her affair. You want to know exactly what it is you’re possibly forgiving.

The timeline can also be helpful to see if it all coincides with her getting off the meds. Being off her meds doesn’t excuse her actions but I think everyone can see your wife’s not playing with a full deck. What sane woman is going to leave her family for a married guy, 14 years her senior, after only knowing him for 4 months?

I also want to repeat Anchor’s advise to stay away from the bottle. I understand that we guys tend to self medicate but that’s the last thing you need. Your daughters need their daddy thinking clearly. Since many betrayed spouses tend to lose a lot of wait on the heartbreak diet that adultery causes, you should look into some calorie replacement drinks. Ensure, Muscle Milk, etc. they will help stave off some of the muscle loss that not eating will cause. Start working out or running. Burning off the stress and nervous built up energy can help you get some sleep at night.

Keep coming back. There’s always someone in TAM that you can bounce ideas off of or if you just need someone to vent to.


----------



## Megaforce

Find a bomb shelter, fast. This woman banged her married tattoo artist. And, her mom knew, I bet. Strange, weird people. Possibly the products of inbreeding.


----------



## VintageRetro

anchorwatch said:


> SLOW IT DOWN! PUT EVERYTHING ON HOLD!
> 
> You don't have to do or decide anything TODAY!!!
> 
> Despite what good advice you're getting, sadly, it's going to take a long time before your head can catch up to your emotions and what actually is happening.
> 
> The standard advice is to never make a life-changing decision under emotional stress. Till then keep her at arm's length.
> 
> It's unfortunate, she's poisoned the well. You can't fix that.
> 
> It's vital to eat well, hydrate, get in regular exercise (even if it's just walking), no alcohol or recreational drugs. See an IC and use your MD if you need something to take the edge off.
> 
> Stick to the 180 rules
> 
> Best


As a betrayed spouse I cannot stress this enough.

TAKE YOUR TIME. 

If she wants to fix this she will wait. Someone gave you a list of things she needs to do. Even what to say. Give it to her no matter whether you want to R or D or don't know. It gets her either invested in fixing it or gives you the certainty that she does not have what it takes. But most important, it gives you time to work a plan. Whatever plan you decide.


----------



## SRCSRC

Life eventually throws **** at us. It's practically unavoidable. Some live a charmed life, but most do not. It may be infidelity by a spouse, a horrible premature illness, a terrible debilitating accident, bad fortune in business, a victim of a random act of violence, poor genes, the death of a child, the list goes on and on. You are in the midst of one of those seemingly unfair, but very traumatic and life-altering events. How you respond will set the stage for the rest of your life.

You must do everything to help yourself get through the early stages of the shock and betrayal perpetrated by your WW. If you do not have a decent support group, seeing an IC versed in infidelity may help you move through the extreme grief, disbelief, and helplessness you are presently experiencing. Ultimately, you will understand that your old life is gone and your present world now includes a spouse who is a liar and a cheater. Acceptance of that reality will ultimately follow. 
People cheat for various desires. Your wife cheated because of an infatuation with a low-life. Not only did she throw you, her children, and the marriage under the bus, but she also threw it in your face until she was unceremoniously dumped by the POS. In a matter of one day, she all of a sudden declares that she had ****ed-up and that you are the love of her life. She couldn't have been more insincere. You recognize it, everyone recognizes it. 

Your emotions and thought processes are a jumbled mess right now. In time they will settle down. Again, a good IC might help facilitate that process. A bad IC can do irreparable damage. It happened to me. Do what is best for you. Co-parenting can be done quite successfully. Do not imprison yourself by staying in a terrible marriage simply for the children. It will kill you and the children will also suffer. I, personally feel that the vast majority of marriages that involve infidelity should not be saved. The betrayed spouse ultimately has to swallow what the wayward spouse did. There is never ever true peace of mind and trust ever again. Many betrayed spouses become marriage police. Not fun. I did that for a while. Once an affair becomes physical, in my mind, the wayward spouse has made a conscious decision to deminish the marriage, spouse and children to an unnacceptable degree. Your situation, in particular, where your WW's callousness and subsequent insincerity is so evident, falls into the category of an irredeemable act of betrayal. It may take you time to realize this unfortunate fact, but you will one day regardless of what you decide. If your WW simply stated from the start that she had no intention of leaving you and that her behavior was the result of simple lust, maybe, just maybe, with tremendous work on her part, reconciliation might be achievable if that is what you desired. But that is not your situation.


----------



## re16

SRCSRC said:


> If your WW simply stated from the start that she had no intention of leaving you and that her behavior was the result of simple lust, maybe, just maybe, with tremendous work on her part, reconciliation might be achievable if that is what you desired. But that is not your situation.


Astute advice, it does seem like she was quite calculated about this and it played out over an extended period of time. The thinking, plotting, and planning makes this kind of betrayal so much deeper and damaging. It was not that she just "f'd up" as she says... it was cold, hard calculation against MAF.


----------



## Robert22205

You should report her threat of suicide to the police. They have the resources to help her (you don't


----------



## re16

Robert22205 said:


> You should report her threat of suicide to the police. They have the resources to help her (you don't


This might help with custody later.... document any instability.


----------



## marko polo

MiddleAgedFool said:


> im trying to get by, she's love bombing me and saying how she f'ed up and she will never do it again, I tell her I cant be with her and she threatens suicide by taking pills.... Everything is in shambles. And my problem is Ive always been a "fixer" and I cant fix anything, everything is broken and I cant do anything about it.....I feel hopeless like it doesn't matter which way I go, I STILL LOSE !


The pills and self harm are a ploy, a manipulative tactic to keep you in place. Seems to be working

If she threatens suicide again call the police and allow them to deal with her. 

_*she's love bombing me *and saying how she f'ed up and* she will never do it again*. _When a cheater uses the word _*never*_ it is like a tell in poker. Whatever they claim they will never do is exactly what they will do.

You won't feel hopeless if you leave her and go no contact. While you remain with her she will do her best to break you / get you back under control. Only you can decide when enough is enough.


----------



## Rus47

jsmart said:


> @MiddleAgedFool Please take heed of this advice to slow down. Besides, you’re not emotionally ready to make life changing decisions. Yes there are a few key demands you should make. Key among them is removal of the 2 tattoos that POS gave her, her being a complete open book, and a*bsolutely know contact with OM or anyone that was purposely covering up for her.* Then you can have her provide you a timeline of her affair. You want to know exactly what it is you’re possibly forgiving.
> 
> The timeline can also be helpful to see if it all coincides with her getting off the meds. Being off her meds doesn’t excuse her actions but I think everyone can see your wife’s not playing with a full deck. What sane woman is going to leave her family for a married guy, 14 years her senior, after only knowing him for 4 months?
> 
> I also want to repeat Anchor’s advise to stay away from the bottle. I understand that we guys tend to self medicate but that’s the last thing you need. Your daughters need their daddy thinking clearly. Since many betrayed spouses tend to lose a lot of wait on the heartbreak diet that adultery causes, you should look into some calorie replacement drinks. Ensure, Muscle Milk, etc. they will help stave off some of the muscle loss that not eating will cause. Start working out or running. Burning off the stress and nervous built up energy can help you get some sleep at night.
> 
> Keep coming back. There’s always someone in TAM that you can bounce ideas off of or if you just need someone to vent to.


No contact with sister and mom? How likely is that? Seems they were both involved, maybe doing tattoo as well.

What is the point of going through all the timeline stuff, especially with a nutcase? As previous poster noted, divorce is at the end of this road anyway. He already knows enough to know he would have to forgive the unforgivable. Can you imagine the mind movies remembering her tattoos? Where the h3ll are the tattoos? I can surely imagine! 

Why delay the inevitable and prolong the misery? What is the percent chance that this ever resolves into even a mediocre marriage?


----------



## re16

Rus47 said:


> He already knows enough to know he would have to forgive the unforgivable. Can you imagine the mind movies remembering her tattoos? Where the h3ll are the tattoos? I can surely imagine!


Yes, it would be ludicrous to accept the dish that she is serving him, even if the tattoos weren't involved.. She blatantly went off and f'd another man and she let him put his permanent ink on her body. This will be massively triggering every time he sees them.

I agree that there is no way this ends without divorce and am counting down the days until she sneaks off to see Mr. Tatttoo again. It is coming. Sex is her only currency right now and if it doesn't work on OP, she'll be running to give to Mr. Tattoo again for a small ego kibble.


----------



## jonty30

Casual Observer said:


> @MiddleAgedFool - The tattoos are, right now, everything. Nothing to be discussed until the physical evidence is GONE. Further it’s a REALLY bad sign that she didn’t already start on that process without you asking. REALLY bad. It’s a demonstration of how little regard she has for you.
> 
> Period.


Tattoo removal is expensive. Cheap to get tattoos and expensive to remove.
Don't invest in tattoos. Invest in tattoo removal companies.
That's where the money is.


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## jsmart

re16 said:


> Yes, it would be ludicrous to accept the dish that she is serving him, even if the tattoos weren't involved.. She blatantly went off and f'd another man and she let him put his permanent ink on her body. This will be massively triggering every time he sees them.
> 
> I agree that there is no way this ends without divorce and am counting down the days until she sneaks off to see Mr. Tatttoo again. It is coming. Sex is her only currency right now and if it doesn't work on OP, she'll be running to give to Mr. Tattoo again for a small ego kibble.


I agree with you and Rus that this should be a straight to D situation but I suspect that OP is not there, which is why I advised for him to slow down until he’s emotionally ready to move. This guy just had his world wrecked and is still reeling. Give him time to gather his footing. If we all start harping on D is the only option, we will push him away just when he really needs TAM.


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## Davit Bek

@MiddleAgedFool Part of the reason you are in this situation is that you ignored the fact that she cheated on you previously before marriage. While ending a relationship after cheating is hard, it's the only recourse vast majority of the time. So if you make the same mistake again, realize that sooner or later you might pay the price for ignoring it a second time.

Second, as devastating as raising children in a divorce is, it is not as bad as raising them in a loveless, tumultuous marriage. We might think we do a good job of hiding it as adults, but children do pick up on things. 

Lastly, I'd say protect yourself financially as much as you can (including illegal/unethical but untraceable ways), cut this cancer out of your life, and be the great example of the man you are to your children. Let it serve you as a reminder that you are a man that can act with courage to do the right thing even when it's exceptionally difficult. Divorce her, let some time pass, if she proves worthy then you can take her back. But she needs to pay the price or you'll be in the same position, except when older and more broke. Wish you the best. You're a great father and husband.


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## Kamstel2

Next time she threatens suicide, call 911 immediately!!!! She will be taken in for psych eval.

if she is serious about it, she willget the help she needs. If she is just trying to manipulate you (which she is), she won’t play the suicide card again.

good luck, stay strong, and do what is best FOR YOU!!!

do what you have to to be able to look the man in the mirror in the eye!!!


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## ABHale

I would have offered a glass of water. Then called 911 and had her committed to the psych ward. Then called a lawyer for emergency full custody of the kids.


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## Rus47

ABHale said:


> I would have offered a glass of water. Then called 911 and had her committed to the psych ward. Then called a lawyer for emergency full custody of the kids.


Does involuntary commitment still happen? I thought all of the state psych hospitals closed decades ago and if a person threatened suicide there was nothing to be done except call the police. And the police aren't equipped to deal with these threats. A lot of mentally ill people are just wandering the streets with nowhere else to go.


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## ABHale

I found this on the web. 

To secure treatment during or following a psychiatric crisis, it is essential to know the civil commitment laws and standards that determine eligibility for intervention where the individual in crisis lives.

Three forms of involuntary treatment are authorized by civil commitment laws in 46 states and the District of Columbia. Two forms are available in Connecticut, Maryland, Massachusetts and Tennessee, where court-ordered outpatient treatment has not yet been adopted.

Emergency hospitalization for evaluation is a crisis response in which a patient is admitted to a treatment facility for psychiatric evaluation, typically for a short period of fixed time (e.g., 72 hours). "Psychiatric hold" or "pick-up" and other terms may be used to describe the process.
Inpatient civil commitment is a process in which a judge orders hospital treatment for a person who continues to meet the state’s civil commitment criteria after the emergency evaluation period. Inpatient commitment is practiced in all states, but the standards that qualify an individual for it vary from state to state. “Involuntary hospitalization” or another term may be used to describe the practice.
Outpatient civil commitment or “assisted outpatient treatment (AOT)“ is a treatment option in which a judge orders a qualifying person with symptoms of mental illness to adhere to a mental health treatment plan while living in the community. AOT laws have been passed in 46 states, but the standards for its use vary from state to state. “Outpatient commitment,” “involuntary outpatient commitment,” “mandated outpatient treatment” and other terms may be used to describe the practice.


----------



## GusPolinski

Casual Observer said:


> @MiddleAgedFool - The tattoos are, right now, everything. Nothing to be discussed until the physical evidence is GONE. Further it’s a REALLY bad sign that she didn’t already start on that process without you asking. REALLY bad. It’s a demonstration of how little regard she has for you.
> 
> Period.


Right?

Imagine attempting reconciliation with a WW that allowed her lover to essentially brand her.

Ugh.


----------



## TDSC60

Quick, get yourself a VAR (voice activated recorder). You can get a good one at Best Buy or Walmart. Get a recording of her admitting to the affair.
You will then have a way to record her when she threatens suicide and when she eventually tries to have you charged with domestic violence.

She is now desperate to stay now that her "love" has abandoned her. Don't forget that she was "in love" with another man and planned to leave you for him. All the unicorns and rainbows disappeared and she is back to her Plan B.....you. She is settling for you since she cannot have what she truly wants. She is now smoke and mirrors. Statements she is making to you now are only to get you to allow her back into a marriage she destroyed by her actions. Remember to believe the her actions and never to believe her words.

Action-Left the kids with you to go to POS house multiple times.
Action-Had sex at least twice with POS.
Action-Left you (and the kids) for a life with POS.
Words-POS turns her down and suddenly she loves you, wants only you, it was all a mistake, she didn't really mean any of the things she told you before.

Staying married for the sake of kids hardly ever works out for long. You will be miserable, she will be miserable, and eventually the kids will be infected by the attitude in the house. Not good.


----------



## Divinely Favored

MiddleAgedFool said:


> im trying to get by, she's love bombing me and saying how she f'ed up and she will never do it again, I tell her I cant be with her and she threatens suicide by taking pills.... Everything is in shambles. And my problem is Ive always been a "fixer" and I cant fix anything, everything is broken and I cant do anything about it.....I feel hopeless like it doesn't matter which way I go, I STILL LOSE !


Take her a glass of water and tell her, "Here! So you dont choke on them" and call 911 and report her.


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## SnowToArmPits

> saying how she f'ed up and she will never do it again


Not much of an argument to stay together. If you divorce her it's the same result, she'll never f up and do it again to you either.


----------



## MiddleAgedFool

Thanks for all the replies and different point of views, Im still really struggling with everything, My head tells me that she tried to replace me and broke every promise she made that day in the church. Im her plan B and why would i ever settle to be that. My heart tells me to keep the family together and be the glue and swallow my pride. I came from a divorced family and it was very hard on me and all i ever wanted was to have my dad around everyday, he only had every other weekend and it affected me. My heart just aches everyday, the sight of her goes from love, hate, love, hate hundreds of times a day. I have never been so confused in my life......i feel like all she wants to do is rug-sweep and act like nothing ever happed.

Then i read all your comments, yes the tattoos are a problem, he branded her, he made his mark on her inside and out. She killed Us !


----------



## BigDaddyNY

MiddleAgedFool said:


> Thanks for all the replies and different point of views, Im still really struggling with everything, My head tells me that she tried to replace me and broke every promise she made that day in the church. Im her plan B and why would i ever settle to be that. My heart tells me to keep the family together and be the glue and swallow my pride. I came from a divorced family and it was very hard on me and all i ever wanted was to have my dad around everyday, he only had every other weekend and it affected me. My heart just aches everyday, the sight of her goes from love, hate, love, hate hundreds of times a day. I have never been so confused in my life......i feel like all she wants to do is rug-sweep and act like nothing ever happed.
> 
> Then i read all your comments, yes the tattoos are a problem, he branded her, he made his mark on her inside and out. She killed Us !


I really feel for you. I've thought about your story several times over the past week. The tattoo aspect of this is just so over the top.

I can sympathize with not wanting to break up the family, but remember, that isn't on you. She already destroyed the family. You would only be holding together a lie, for what? The level of disrespect is beyond the pale. I mean she even excitedly told you about the man she was sleeping with. She had every intention of kicking you to the curb and going with this guy. That only changed because he decided to stay with his wife. She has to feel great knowing she is less valuable to him than the medical insurance his wife provides. Don't feel sorry for her in any way. She has proven that she is not a safe partner.


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## Jeffsmith35

It is difficult to deal with something like this. But think of this: If you had to redo your relationship with your W now, knowing what kind of person she has turned out to be, would you still be interested, or not give her the time of day? You can start over as a new man who no longer takes BS, confident that you didn't tolerate this. And "staying together for the kids" = showing them the example of an evil mother and a betrayed father who justifiably hates her for what she did.


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## Marc878

Let her go. Save yourself.


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## blackclover3

@MiddleAgedFool - you cant keep the family together - she is buying her time to replace with someone else. you are a plan and always a plan B. and the reason you are a Plan B because you cant man up and say No. 
again, she will replace you with someone else after she paves her way out. 
stop caring about her, she doesnt care about you - 
your dignity and children's dignity are above all - this is a lesson you will teach your children to not tolerate cheaters.


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## Rus47

MiddleAgedFool said:


> Thanks for all the replies and different point of views, Im still really struggling with everything, My head tells me that she tried to replace me and broke every promise she made that day in the church. Im her plan B and why would i ever settle to be that. My heart tells me to keep the family together and be the glue and swallow my pride. I came from a divorced family and it was very hard on me and all i ever wanted was to have my dad around everyday, he only had every other weekend and it affected me. My heart just aches everyday, the sight of her goes from love, hate, love, hate hundreds of times a day. I have never been so confused in my life......i feel like all she wants to do is rug-sweep and act like nothing ever happed.
> 
> Then i read all your comments, yes the tattoos are a problem, he branded her, he made his mark on her inside and out. She killed Us !


Are you sure she hasnt given you an STD as a parting gift? Are you sure she isnt pregnant by tattoo? Are you sure she isnt still getting poled by him?

Still a lot you dont know. Get a VAR btw so you dont get victimized by a DV charge


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## Landofblue

Landofblue said:


> Not sure if you’re consistently reading here but if you are, i urge you to be simple and honest in your replies to her. Something like…
> 
> _“You’ve broken all trust. This will take years to repair. I am not sure you have it in you to do what it will take. I need actions not words.
> 
> Start by researching what it takes to rebuild after an affair and work on presenting me the first draft of a written plan by next weekend.
> 
> I won’t do it for you, but I will give you a couple of hints. If your plan doesn’t include these things then you might as well not even present it at all:_
> 
> _How you plan on being no contact with the piece of **** you cheated with_
> _Complete transparency of all your electronics. I read everything and you delete nothing_
> _You have every tattoo he gave you removed. By someone other than him of course I will be there when it happens. _
> _You write down a complete timeline of your affair. What you said. What you did physically (who did what to whom). What you thought about. What you felt. How you thought about me. Each interaction. _
> 
> _That’s just a start. I can think of 25more things you need to do. But you need to figure out what some of those things are and present them to me.
> 
> Lastly, and this is the most important. If you still have this man in your heart, then there is no us. So figure out if you still have feelings for this man, and if you do, if you can’t see him as anyone other than the broken person who helped you destroy your family, then you might as well go be with him. I will not share your heart with any man. I need to be my partners one and only. If that’s not the case then there is no rebuilding, and no future for us.
> 
> I look forward to hearing from you with what I asked for above. Until I see that from you and you have done much of the work to fix yourself and rebuild, I will be continuing on a path to rid you and your infidelity from my life.”_
> 
> That’s it my friend. Honestly state what you need to consider rebuilding and don’t stop moving away from you until you see and feel her doing it.
> 
> Please keep posting. We can only help when you interact with us.


I gave you the above words last week. Hopefully you are saying something to that effect with her. 

Truth is, you are right. She has broken her vows and destroyed your marriage. You can’t put the pieces back together and expect it to be just like after you married.

But if she is doing real work over the next several years, you can find each other again and build something new and worthwhile.

But you cannot make her do that work. All you can do is tell her until you hear, see and feel her actually doing the work to prove to you that you are her one and only and that she sees her AP as a piece of **** who helped her destroy everything she had, then you have no choice but to move on without her. And that starts with talking to a lawyer and starting the divorce process.

You can wish all you want, but the cold reality is that the person she is right now is not worthy of being called your wife.

I would tell her things like I wrote above, but stress to her that the process of rebuilding ONLY STARTS the DAY AFTER she has removed EVERY TATOO he put on her skin. Until that happens you will not discuss the possibility of reconciling. (And obviously she goes to someone else with you to remove them, NOT THE AP!).

You don’t deserve a life where you have to look at what the AP actually branded her with.

Good luck.


----------



## Rus47

Landofblue said:


> I gave you the above words last week. Hopefully you are saying something to that effect with her.
> 
> Truth is, you are right. She has broken her vows and destroyed your marriage. You can’t put the pieces back together and expect it to be just like after you married.
> 
> But if she is doing real work over the next several years, you can find each other again and build something new and worthwhile.
> 
> *But you cannot make her do that work. All you can do is tell her until you hear, see and feel her actually doing the work to prove to you that you are her one and only and that she sees her AP as a piece of **** who helped her destroy everything she had, then you have no choice but to move on without her. And that starts with talking to a lawyer and starting the divorce process.*
> 
> You can wish all you want, but the cold reality is that the person she is right now is not worthy of being called your wife.
> 
> I would tell her things like I wrote above, but stress to her that the process of *rebuilding ONLY STARTS the DAY AFTER she has removed EVERY TATOO he put on her skin. *Until that happens you will not discuss the possibility of reconciling. (And obviously she goes to someone else with you to remove them, NOT THE AP!).
> 
> You don’t deserve a life where you have to look at what the AP actually branded her with.
> 
> Good luck.


I would be extremely surprised if someone as unstable as OP's wayward did *ANY* of this. And even if she did 100% of it, it would take years to get back to where they were before she, her sister, and mom started visiting tattoo. As an aside, tattoo must be one fine specimen of a male to keep a wife who knows he cheats, while supporting his non-job. AND at least three women as side pieces. He must have the endowment and stamina of four "normal" males.

So, he can spend years living through the h3ll of wondering who else she is doing besides tattoo. Because IMO she will be doing tattoo for the rest of her days anytime or place tattoo will hold still long enough. Or cut his losses, write this one off as a bad experience, and get on with his life. Put wayward in the rearview mirror. Maybe am wrong, but surely there are plenty of women in his country who aren't lowlifes like this wayward.


----------



## Tex X

MiddleAgedFool said:


> Thanks for all the replies and different point of views, Im still really struggling with everything, My head tells me that she tried to replace me and broke every promise she made that day in the church. Im her plan B and why would i ever settle to be that. My heart tells me to keep the family together and be the glue and swallow my pride. I came from a divorced family and it was very hard on me and all i ever wanted was to have my dad around everyday, he only had every other weekend and it affected me. My heart just aches everyday, the sight of her goes from love, hate, love, hate hundreds of times a day. I have never been so confused in my life......i feel like all she wants to do is rug-sweep and act like nothing ever happed.
> 
> Then i read all your comments, yes the tattoos are a problem, he branded her, he made his mark on her inside and out. She killed Us !


I'm from a divorced family, and I am a divorced father of 2. You're getting yourself all worked up over nothing. It's your choice obviously, but I would much rather divorce and find someone who truly loved me and my children. And that's exactly what I did. Has it been all roses? No of course not, but at least I can look at myself in the mirror and respect the person I see. Your kids will pick up on this as well. If you rug sweep and swallow your pride you are in for a long and painful road with someone who does not love you, and will most likely be looking for someone who she thinks is better than you. And what happens in a year or two when she finds Mr. Wonderful #2? 

Get your balls back man. Take control of this situation - don't let your wife dictate the script. She is the one who drilled your marriage - not you. And you can get 50/50 custody - you know that right? 1 week with you and one week with your STBX. Or maybe it's you who can get full custody, and she can be a weekend mom. Sounds like you're more stable for the kids anyway. I would talk to a lawyer and file. You can always decide to not go through with it, but at this point your wife needs to know you are serious. Me personally, I would be so done.


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## colingrant

Make sure you make the distinction between a divorced family and an unhappy one. Divorced doesn't necessarily mean unhappy. It just means the family doesn't not sleep under the same roof. Conversely, being under the same roof does not in ANY WAY guarantee or even ensure a happy family.

A happy family is created from the parents being happy and loving their lives. It starts and stops there in my opinion. If a happy coexistence is attained, kids will be happy. If parents are unhappy under the same roof, kids will follow suit. I work with kids and see this all the time. 

If you are happily divorced and can facilitate a unified parenting relationship, you and your children can live a happy and healthy life. Divorce is frequently associated with a family's destruction, but the construct of adults living civilly and respectfully can lead to success and happiness. 

Please rethink your view of divorce. I'm not saying to divorce. Just think of the possibilities, as opposed to the impossibilities.


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## Casual Observer

@MiddleAgedFool The fact that she hasn’t already begun removing the tattoos tells you all you need to know. That she hasn’t self-mutilated at least one of them, or tried to cover them up. Those tattoos are an affront before God regarding your vows.


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## Davit Bek

@MiddleAgedFool You need to lead with your values, since your emotions are so chaotic and you feel so confused.


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## Kamstel2

Just checking in on you.
How are you doing?

hang in there, be strong, and good luck


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## Tatsuhiko

One option is to divorce her quietly and separate all assets. Tell her that you'll continue to live with her indefinitely for the kids' sake. This offer is contingent upon her giving you a fair divorce settlement and resuming her medications. This gives you a permanent escape hatch next time she decides to drive the family off a cliff.


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## Evinrude58

Tatsuhiko said:


> One option is to divorce her quietly and separate all assets. Tell her that you'll continue to live with her indefinitely for the kids' sake. This offer is contingent upon her giving you a fair divorce settlement and resuming her medications. This gives you a permanent escape hatch next time she decides to drive the family off a cliff.


So she can use him for security, and with no consequence date whoever she wants, while no decent woman wants near a man who lives with his ex wife? Seems a poor idea to me… respectfully. I’m sure you do not think it’s a great idea either, just sayin….

OP, your heart tells you to stay snd keep the family together. Well your heart told you to marry HER too, right??? Screw your heart, start making decisions with your mind.

you can’t decide to keep a woman that just recently told you she was leaving with another man. It’s not only up to you… You don’t think this will happen again with a new guy? It will.


----------



## Talker67

Rus47 said:


> Does involuntary commitment still happen? I thought all of the state psych hospitals closed decades ago and if a person threatened suicide there was nothing to be done except call the police. And the police aren't equipped to deal with these threats. A lot of mentally ill people are just wandering the streets with nowhere else to go.


YES it does.
Had a crazy nephew get committed a month ago, but it only lasted 3 days.
His wife was concerned he was going off the deep end, she was in a hospital with some serious issues and he refused to come visit her, or even return her phone calls. (I know, he was being a real jerk).
She called the town police and asked to do a wellness check. when they got there, he was incoherent and the cops whisked him away to a looney farm for "evaluation".

at the end, the shrinks provided the evaluation that he WAS batshit crazy AND was on the totally wrong meds. but that is where it ended. they released him, he refuses to change meds, and is actually crazier today than a month ago.

they do not commit someone for a long period of time unless they are clearly a violent threat to someone!

the HIPAA rules have a big impact on crazy people not getting the right treatment. Even if you are married to one, you can not talk to their doctor about what is going on at home, or how nutz your spouse is acting, or even discuss what meds he is taking (or in his case refusing to take).


----------



## Rus47

Talker67 said:


> YES it does.
> Had a crazy nephew get committed a month ago, but it only lasted 3 days.
> His wife was concerned he was going off the deep end, she was in a hospital with some serious issues and he refused to come visit her, or even return her phone calls. (I know, he was being a real jerk).
> She called the town police and asked to do a wellness check. when they got there, he was incoherent and the cops whisked him away to a looney farm for "evaluation".
> 
> at the end, the shrinks provided the evaluation that he WAS batshit crazy AND was on the totally wrong meds. *but that is where it ended. they released him, he refuses to change meds, and is actually crazier today than a month ago*.
> 
> *they do not commit someone for a long period of time unless they are clearly a violent threat to someone!*
> 
> the HIPAA rules have a big impact on crazy people not getting the right treatment. *Even if you are married to one, you can not talk to their doctor about what is going on at home,* or how nutz your spouse is acting, or even discuss what meds he is taking (or in his case refusing to take).


This exactly has been my experience. Where I live, a lot of the homeless population are people "off of" or on the wrong meds. And unless they have insurance to pay for treatment in a private mental facility, there is nowhere for them to go. Even those who are a threat to others are often just released after "evaluation". See stories on the nightly news all of the time recounting the results. If there isn't someone to pay the tariff, there is nowhere to confine and treat them.

OP has a real mess on his hands with WS threatening suicide. I wouldn't want to sleep in a home with a suicidal person.


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## Talker67

Rus47 said:


> This exactly has been my experience. Where I live, a lot of the homeless population are people "off of" or on the wrong meds. And unless they have insurance to pay for treatment in a private mental facility, there is nowhere for them to go. Even those who are a threat to others are often just released after "evaluation". See stories on the nightly news all of the time recounting the results. If there isn't someone to pay the tariff, there is nowhere to confine and treat them.
> 
> OP has a real mess on his hands with WS threatening suicide. I wouldn't want to sleep in a home with a suicidal person.


Doctor Drew has a couple of excellent youtubes on just this. he says money spent on building homes/shelters for homeless people is just money down a rat hole. the reason being that they are homeless for mental health reasons, and until you fix their brains, they actually PREFER to be homeless. all that money should instead be spent on metal health counseling for the homeless

i did hear of a new injectable drug for bipolar...you only inject it once a month. that sort of thing would really help someone who hates taking the meds....


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## Rus47

Talker67 said:


> Doctor Drew has a couple of excellent youtubes on just this. he says money spent on building homes/shelters for homeless people is just money down a rat hole. the reason being that they are homeless for mental health reasons, and until you fix their brains, they actually PREFER to be homeless. all that money should instead be spent on metal health counseling for the homeless
> 
> i did hear of a new injectable drug for bipolar...you only inject it once a month. that sort of thing would really help someone who hates taking the meds....


The thing is, the ill often decide that the meds are causing their problem so stop for that reason. Mentally ill cant make good decisions.

Sri, end TJ


----------



## Talker67

Rus47 said:


> The thing is, the ill often decide that the meds are causing their problem so stop for that reason. Mentally ill cant make good decisions.
> 
> Sri, end TJ


it is a catch 22 situation.
1) when they are off the meds, they think they know it all/are geniuses/are king lord buffoo. they know what is best.

2) IF they took the right meds, they would start thinking logically again, and behave normally--for a while until they forgot they did in fact NEED the meds, and then it is back to 1) above in a vicious circle


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## MiddleAgedFool

Thank you for your insight people, i appreciate it more than you know !

Update: We are still under same roof, ive been practicing the 180 but the weird thing is that it feels like she's doing the 180 to me. At first she love bombed me, holding my hand, trying to have sex, telling me she loves me. For the last week she has stopped all it, so we generally just sit in silence when there isn't something to do. The mind movies get the best of me most days and I just "feel" like she should be doing more if she really wanted me. I haven't ruled out R but i also haven't seen a lot of remorse either. Sure she told me sorry and she cant believe she hurt the best thing to happen to her and all that jazz. But here I sit being plan B, taking care of my kids and wondering am I crazy? Am I just trying to fool myself? Is this even the person I married? Why did she do this? Then I start marginalizing things: well they only did it twice, she said neither came, he was very small, she said didn't do oral... I feel like there is two people inside me fighting over this situation. One calls the other a f"en dum ass and the other is like "well............everyone does it, you probably caused this to happen,


----------



## syhoybenden

Oh please don't go all wobbly now.


----------



## jonty30

MiddleAgedFool said:


> Thank you for your insight people, i appreciate it more than you know !
> 
> Update: We are still under same roof, ive been practicing the 180 but the weird thing is that it feels like she's doing the 180 to me. At first she love bombed me, holding my hand, trying to have sex, telling me she loves me. For the last week she has stopped all it, so we generally just sit in silence when there isn't something to do. The mind movies get the best of me most days and I just "feel" like she should be doing more if she really wanted me. I haven't ruled out R but i also haven't seen a lot of remorse either. Sure she told me sorry and she cant believe she hurt the best thing to happen to her and all that jazz. But here I sit being plan B, taking care of my kids and wondering am I crazy? Am I just trying to fool myself? Is this even the person I married? Why did she do this? Then I start marginalizing things: well they only did it twice, she said neither came, he was very small, she said didn't do oral... I feel like there is two people inside me fighting over this situation. One calls the other a f"en dum ass and the other is like "well............everyone does it, you probably caused this to happen,


You're doing good.


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## Rus47

MiddleAgedFool said:


> Thank you for your insight people, i appreciate it more than you know !
> 
> Update: We are still under same roof, ive been practicing the 180 but the weird thing is that it feels like she's doing the 180 to me. At first she love bombed me, holding my hand, trying to have sex, telling me she loves me. For the last week she has stopped all it, so we generally just sit in silence when there isn't something to do. The mind movies get the best of me most days and I just "feel" like she should be doing more if she really wanted me. I haven't ruled out R but i also haven't seen a lot of remorse either. Sure she told me sorry and she cant believe she hurt the best thing to happen to her and all that jazz. But here I sit being plan B, taking care of my kids and wondering am I crazy? Am I just trying to fool myself? Is this even the person I married? Why did she do this? Then I start marginalizing things: well they only did it twice, she said neither came, he was very small, she said didn't do oral... I feel like there is two people e inside me fighting over this situation. One calls the other a f"en dum ass and the other is like "well............everyone does it, you probably caused this to happen,


Cheaters lie about EVERYTHING! They only did it twice? Come on, you know better. More likely 20 times. Neither came? Sure. Probably more times than they could count. He is small? He actually probably huge! Didnt suck him? More likely started with and finished with BJ to completion. Promise she did things for him she will NEVER do for you. Just replace whatever she tells you with exact opposite and you will be closer. She doing 180? Proly seeing him or his friends again. 

Its your life, but this cant be fixed. You trying to R with someone not playing with full deck. How likely is that to work.

Get STD tested if you have had any sex with her even if oral. You have no idea who she has been with. Tatoo is likely not only one.


----------



## SunCMars

_She chose_ the POSOM, _she chose_ you.

Saying he was small and she did not come, so the cheating was unproductive, so don't worry, it meant nothing?

That shows she has no problem throwing even her affair partner under the bus.

How selfish, how vile.

She has no loyalty, no empathy, whatsoever.

She is a user (and an abuser) of people.


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## blackclover3

@MiddleAgedFool trust me, listen to these guys here - they are the experts. you are doing this not only for you but for your kids. 
if she is doing the 180 on you that means she is showing who she truly is. and all the love bombarding is a lie and fake. she will be like that even if you R because she playing how she can replace you and keep her comfort level. 

she is a narcist - be careful. keep doing what you are doing. if she really was remorseful she would not leave you alone for a minute even if you treat her like a rug. 
think about it, the other guy used her and made her a Slu* and she still care about him. but you on other hand she is adding salt to injury by her doing the 180. 

she is like about you " Meh.,,, he will come around eventually like he always does" 

be an Alpha for once

this is emotional war now and women are very good at it


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## Evinrude58

MiddleAgedFool said:


> Thank you for your insight people, i appreciate it more than you know !
> 
> Update: We are still under same roof, ive been practicing the 180 but the weird thing is that it feels like she's doing the 180 to me. At first she love bombed me, holding my hand, trying to have sex, telling me she loves me. For the last week she has stopped all it, so we generally just sit in silence when there isn't something to do. The mind movies get the best of me most days and I just "feel" like she should be doing more if she really wanted me. I haven't ruled out R but i also haven't seen a lot of remorse either. Sure she told me sorry and she cant believe she hurt the best thing to happen to her and all that jazz. But here I sit being plan B, taking care of my kids and wondering am I crazy? Am I just trying to fool myself? Is this even the person I married? Why did she do this? Then I start marginalizing things: *well they only did it twice, she said neither came, he was very small, she said didn't do oral... I feel like there is two people inside me fighting over this situation*. One calls the other a f"en dum ass and the other is like "well............everyone does it, you probably caused this to happen,


you can’t possibly be stupid enough to believe any of that, can you?


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## Landofblue

When will the tattoos be removed?

have you asked for a written timeline of each and every interaction they had?

have you ask for a written draftof a plan to rebuild your relationship, fix what was broken inside her and help you heal? I can give you 30 things that should or could be in such a plan but tell her to research it and present It to you.

no, not everyone does it. And if you rug sweeping this it will just happen again.

if you are not willing to require she does what it takes I recommend you file for D

Be honest about what you need to see, feel and hear from her to heal. And if you don’t get it, find a new life without her.


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## BigDaddyNY

MiddleAgedFool said:


> *Then I start marginalizing things: well they only did it twice, she said neither came, he was very small, she said didn't do oral...*


Yeah, neither came, lol. I hope you realize that most if not all of this is just a lie. And even if it is true, does it really matter?


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## Rus47

Landofblue said:


> When will the tattoos be removed?
> 
> have you asked for a written timeline of each and every interaction they had?
> 
> have you ask for a written draftof a plan to rebuild your relationship, fix what was broken inside her and help you heal? I can give you 30 things that should or could be in such a plan but tell her to research it and present It to you.
> 
> no, not everyone does it. And if you rug sweeping this it will just happen again.
> 
> if you are not willing to require she does what it takes I recommend you file for D
> 
> Be honest about what you need to see, feel and hear from her to heal. And if you don’t get it, find a new life without her.


What is the point? She would just lie about everything, including a timeline. Read shat he said she told him and see if ANY of it sounds evern remotely believable. OP can spend his time and effort for himself by spending with an attorney and separating his finances from Tattoo's sidepiece.


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## Rus47

BigDaddyNY said:


> Yeah, neither came, lol. I hope you realize that most if not all of this is just a lie. And even if it is true, does it really matter?


Neither came the first time so they tried* only *one more time and gave up.   

She must think OP is really stupid to feed him this line of BS. Disrespectful cheater with no remorse at all. I bet she was telling Tattoo how small her hubby was in comparison, while she tells hubby the same about tattoo.


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## Rus47

MiddleAgedFool said:


> I feel like there is two people inside me fighting over this situation. One calls the other a f"en dum ass and the other is like "well............everyone does it, you probably caused this to happen,


A complicated term for this is called cognitive dissonance. You know in your gut what is true, but somehow want to believe that it isn't, and even if true it is your fault. Your "wife" by her actions and words produces this inside of you. 

It may seem like "everyone does it", but that is far from true. There are a lot of people who would never treat their partner in this way. The ones that do have bad wiring. 

Your wife's mental problems may be what have yielded a person far different from who you married. We have a mentally ill relative who can go from someone you would swear was the nicest, most considerate person you had ever met, to an abusive, profanity shouting, out of control nutcase in the space of 5 minutes. Not taking meds is usually what yields the Mr Hyde. You aren't capable of fixing her (if she can be fixed). More likely, this is now who she actually is.


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## jsmart

Women can only do the fake it until you make it for a short time before running out of steam if they’re not getting results. Since you’re not responding fast enough, she’s given up. Also, it’s very likely that she’s going through withdrawal from OM. Even though they were seeing each other for only 4 months and she fell deeply for him. Think about it, she was willing to leave her own kids. 

She needs some serious counseling from a professional. I’m going to catch shi. For saying this but I’m not sure she would have done what she did, if she weren’t off her meds. That doesn’t excuse it but there’s more happening in your situation. You need to get a timeline of the affair, verify if it ties in with her getting off her meds.

You have to search inside of yourself to see if you even want to forgive her. Just don’t lie to yourself or accept her story as gospel. You know darn well they had sex way more than 2 times over their 4 month affair. We can’t really know if she enjoyed the sex but knowing how the high of sneaking around and being bad is very addictive and WWs are know to get very wanton to keep the high going so it’s very likely that the no BJ is also a lie too. That doesn’t mean her sexual affair is the worse that’s been forgiven.

To me, and a lot of men, the worse part is that she was going to leave you and even the kids for this guy. Luckily for you and your kids, he was like practically all WHs and was only future faking your wife but like most WWs, she believed it and was willing to leave. That this guy was a complete loser was not obvious to your WW because she so badly wanted to believe what he was selling. Pursuing R with a WW that’s with you because POS needed his BW’s health insurance is not a good feeling.


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## Evinrude58

She was planning to leave her kids for him until his wife found out and he dumped her. They had sex a LOT. And she ****ing loved it or she wouldn’t be leaving her kids for him. Damn. Let this snake slither back in its hole.

sex twice snd it wasn’t any good? Yeah riiiggghhttt


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## Talker67

BigDaddyNY said:


> Yeah, neither came, lol. I hope you realize that most if not all of this is just a lie. And even if it is true, does it really matter?


she is probably just trying to stroke the OP's ego a little: "he had a small ****, and could not make me cum the way you do! You are such a big strong man!!!"

trouble is, the OP is seeing thru her ******** at this point, so does not trust her lies anymore.

but at least she is TRYING to let him down easy. i guess it is a small positive move on her part.


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## Rus47

jsmart said:


> *Luckily for you and your kids, *he was like practically all WHs and was only future faking your wife but like most WWs, she believed it and was willing to leave.


I would submit it is actually *unlucky*. If she had stayed with Tattoo, OP wouldn't be agonizing about which way to go because she would have made the decision for him. For sure, whenever Tattoo or one of his friends or another edgy guy whistles she will respond instantly. She is indeed going through withdrawal, dreaming about what it was like to feel his intimate touch. Meanwhile, OP must be having nightmares imagining all that WW and Tattoo did together.

Her mental situation may indeed bee the cause of her behavior, but that doesn't change it at all. As someone who has dealt with people exhibiting diagnosed mental problems, will say that their behavior is very difficult for even professionals to correct.


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## Evinrude58

OP is looking at total misery if he attempts to stay with this woman. She’s a liar, a cheat, and what’s more—— there is zero that she is doing that shows she wants to change. Love bombed him for a couple of days and now frigid toward him? Seems it would be fairly easy to just cut the line and bait up again. No sense in trying to land this lemon fish.


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## manwithnoname

Talker67 said:


> she is probably just trying to stroke the OP's ego a little: "he had a small ****, and could not make me cum the way you do! You are such a big strong man!!!"
> 
> trouble is, the OP is seeing thru her ****** at this point, so does not trust her lies anymore.
> 
> but at least she is TRYING to let him down easy. i guess it is a small positive move on her part.


 She’s not trying to let him down easy, she still expects him to ”come to his senses”. If she told him the truth, she’d be alone.


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## re16

Evinrude58 said:


> OP is looking at total misery if he attempts to stay with this woman. She’s a liar, a cheat, and what’s more—— there is zero that she is doing that shows she wants to change. Love bombed him for a couple of days and now frigid toward him? Seems it would be fairly easy to just cut the line and bait up again. No sense in trying to land this lemon fish.


OP needs to rip the bandaid off and send her packing. There is no way in the world this will ever work.


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## BigDaddyNY

@MiddleAgedFool How are things going for you lately?


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## Goose54

> We are still under same roof, ive been practicing the 180 but the weird thing is that it feels like she's doing the 180 to me. At first she love bombed me, holding my hand, trying to have sex, telling me she loves me. For the last week she has stopped all it, so we generally just sit in silence when there isn't something to do.


Chances are she's back in contact with POSH tattoo-boy.


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## Leeame

MiddleAgedFool said:


> wife is 32, Im 33, been married for 9 year have two kids aged 3 and 6. High school sweet hearts, never broke up never fought and no cheating. I have a degree and she never went to college, has worked as a clerk and or at a bank for about 5 years. So Single income and although we are not poor we definitely don't have the extra money to do a-lot.
> 
> Recently she has been spending more time with her sister and just seams distant, she was on antidepressants for the last few years and has just recently got off them. She had difficulty climaxing and was never interested in sex while on them and i could tell my advances frustrated her. two small kids and staying home all day has to be stressful and tiring but sometimes as soon as i get home she want to leave and we have none to watch kids so im the one that stays with the kids.
> 
> Would the antidepressants throw her in a funk and should i be worried?
> When i ask her if we are good she always says yes. Are you happy? Yes


She never got a chance to experiment and sow her wild oats so to speak. She is probably listening to loud music and dying her hair and hanging with her younger sister Because she is missing her youth and freedom. Mom's tend to put the whole of themselves into their kids and marriage and lose themselves in the process. She is reclaiming some of herself sounds like. 
The meds could be a factor but I'm guessing going off of them was part of the" feeling who she is" she was looking for. If she is behaving irresponsibly, participating in high risk behaviors or acting recklessly and impulsively it is possible that the absence of SSRIs have triggered a sort of mania. People who have serotonin imbalances are at risk for developing mania or depression with the introduction or removal of SSRIs. Honestly I'm thinking it's more of the former scenario. She's been in a relationship since highschool and took a mom/wife identity before really getting to know herself as she matured into her womanhood. 
I think it's important that you have an honest conversation about how you are feeling and show genuine interest in understanding how she feels. It's so important to have a connection with your partner and it should be a priority for you guys after you prioritize your own health and wellness. 
How are you feeling about yourself these days? Are you happy? There's some insecurities lurking that you are experiencing? Make sure you are coming from concern rather than insecurities about yourself. It can make otherwise harmless things appear threatening. Believe you deserve the love and life you desire and you will be able to accept it when it's offered. 
If you need anything else, I'm a relationship coach and I have a plethora of advice and objective insight on deck. 
Best wishes 😃


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## Leeame

MiddleAgedFool said:


> POS wife posted on her facebook about him cheating and messaging wife giving her a piece of her mind, I would say she does know it was physical


Don't get involved in the drama of his failing marriage. Seriously. You have to focus on your own health and wellness for you and the kids. That drama is hers and his and you have to be better to yourself. The best thing you can do is build up yourself and act responsibly. 
You can get a sitter now and you don't need her permission. Find a new place to hang out with new people and do things that help you feel good about you. 
Please know that while you were equally responsible for the health of your marriage you are not responsible for her leaving or anything else she has done. 
It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with how she feels about herself. She was looking for happiness outside of herself and she obviously doesn't value herself if she thinks she deserves a man who cheats and lies like she has. I guarantee you they will be the betrayed one eventually given the lack of values they hold. 
This guy is probably just a catalyst for the subconscious need to self sabotage. When we don't feel worthy of love we don't recognize it as real and we act in ways that become a self fulfilling prophecy. She did this and she has to live with her choices. You are now offered a new lease on life. A chance to be honest with yourself about what is and isn't working and decide what you want and need instead of managing what you're dealt. 
When is the last time you did something that made you feel attractive? Do you have any hobbies or something you have always wanted to do? Be diligent with your self care. Change is frightening and I know it's hard to see it but I promise you that if you take the right steps now you will emerge from this stronger and more in charge of what you tolerate from others. 
If you are open to it, sit down and think about what you want from a partner and make a list of things you will and won't accept that you can use to guide you to the right people. Confidence and self respect are incredibly sexy and the more you foster those things the more attractive you will be. Be a strong man who knows what he brings to the table and don't settle for less than you know you deserve. 
The kids will be fine if you hire a sitter for an hour or two and spoil yourself. Do it.


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## Leeame

MiddleAgedFool said:


> im trying to get by, she's love bombing me and saying how she f'ed up and she will never do it again, I tell her I cant be with her and she threatens suicide by taking pills.... Everything is in shambles. And my problem is Ive always been a "fixer" and I cant fix anything, everything is broken and I cant do anything about it.....I feel hopeless like it doesn't matter which way I go, I STILL LOSE !


This is absolutely emotional abuse from her. If she is not on medication and threatening suicide she is not fit for custody and you need to get another consultation and demand better for your kids and you. This is a safety issue and you need to call and have her picked up and evaluated by a mental health professional for threatening suicide.


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## wmn1

jonty30 said:


> Go to the lawyer first thing in the morning and get all the papers together.
> You have to protect the kids, because your marriage is over.
> Don't lie to the kids and don't tear down their mother. You just tell them that she loves somebody else now.


amen


Marc878 said:


> I would advise not to jump into the trying to save or fight for your marriage routine. Let her go.
> 
> Infidelity is a lifetime gift. You’d better put some thought into what you’d get back. Besides repeated infidelity happens. The capability sure is there.


very well said. A very true statement


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## jsmart

Hey @MiddleAgedFool how are things going? Btw, I hate that user name. You were just a husband fighting for his family that was hoping that your eyes were lying to you. Most husbands, do not have the collective wisdom/experience that’s available on TAM so don’t further the emotional damage you’ve experiencing by beating yourself up.

How has your WW been acting? Is she fighting for you or moping in victim hood as she pines for tattoo? I’m sure you have been going back and forth on divorce or R. Which one is winning out in your mind? How have your kids been. I’m sure they’re picking up that something is wrong with mommy and daddy. As the sane one in the marriage, it falls on you to help make them feel secure.

Speaking of sanity, I hope you insisted that she get some counseling. Even if you D, your kids need a stable mom. Also stay away from the bottle. Your kids need their dad to be 100 % present. If you want to bounce some ideas around or just vent, TAM is here for you. We really want the best for you and your family.


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## MiddleAgedFool

Filed for divorce, she should be served soon. Still living at the house cause I want to be around my kids and continue to do what Ive been doing. I take them to school, bring them home. Help coach their teams, ya I'm really involved with them.
THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED
*wife got tattoo with my name on it, saying she will always love me
*She started getting the tattoos from him covered by other ones from a professional shop
*She dyed her hair the same color as POSW 
*being all lovey dovey and texting me sweet things like "your my everything"
*switches from extremely lovey to questioning anything i've done wrong in 15 years ( bringing up old stuff to pull me down to her level)
*wants pictures of us together all the time. wears sexy things and sends me pictures

im expecting here to turn to satan once she gets the paperwork 🤷‍♂️


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## QuietGuy

Thank you for the update. Sorry it turned out this way, but you are on your way out of infidelity. Glad your kids can depend on you and you are so involved in their lives. Consider keeping a VAR on you when ever you are around her. It would not be the 1st time false domestic violence charges were leveled against the BS. Take care.


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## MattMatt

@MiddleAgedFool You are doing what you have to do.

We'll always be here for you.


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## re16

MiddleAgedFool said:


> Filed for divorce, she should be served soon. Still living at the house cause I want to be around my kids and continue to do what Ive been doing. I take them to school, bring them home. Help coach their teams, ya I'm really involved with them.
> THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED
> *wife got tattoo with my name on it, saying she will always love me
> *She started getting the tattoos from him covered by other ones from a professional shop
> *She dyed her hair the same color as POSW
> *being all lovey dovey and texting me sweet things like "your my everything"
> *switches from extremely lovey to questioning anything i've done wrong in 15 years ( bringing up old stuff to pull me down to her level)
> *wants pictures of us together all the time. wears sexy things and sends me pictures
> 
> im expecting here to turn to satan once she gets the paperwork 🤷‍♂️


Seems like too little too late, OM probably dumped her, so she is now trying to execute plan B (which is you).

Sorry this happened, you are doing the right thing here by ending it. Best of luck, keep us posted..... 

PS Don't get her pregnant.


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## Evinrude58

You’re doing the right thing. Love bombing is a thing. She can’t hide herself from you.
You’ve seen her already for who she is. I’m sorry for your pain, but I do think you’ve started to take actions that will result in healing and a better life.
Good for you


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## GusPolinski

MiddleAgedFool said:


> *being all lovey dovey and texting me sweet things like "your my everything"


I’d be all like…

*You're

🤷🏻‍♂️🤪🤣🤣🤣


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## ABHale

Glad to hear that you’re not in limbo anymore. Love on the kids and keep doing what you are.


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## oldshirt

MiddleAgedFool said:


> im expecting here to turn to satan once she gets the paperwork 🤷‍♂️


She's basically satan now and has been for a long time. 

Be prepared as she may become actually dangerous or destructive when she gets the paperwork.


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## SnowToArmPits

She's obviously unbalanced right now. Be careful when and after she's served. If you're living with her put a lock on your room, carry a VAR with you and/or she acts crazy film it with your phone. 

Good luck mate, hope she stays sane.


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## happyhusband0005

.


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## SunCMars

You need to admit defeat.
She has, she did.

One thing is certain, the lady is broken.
Her mind has failed her, and she has failed her family.

Such is life, the painful side.

Get away from her, _pity her from afar._

Madness is real, avoid it as best as you can.

Whatever madness touches, it breaks.

Let her deal with it, it is her tattered deck, after all.

You have children to raise, there is no time, nor is there the means, to be a _Saint.



KB-_


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## Rubix Cubed

MiddleAgedFool said:


> im expecting here to turn to satan once she gets the paperwork 🤷‍♂️


 Your awareness is on point, unfortunately. Batten down the hatches.


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## jsmart

@MiddleAgedFool , you are right that when she gets served, you will see a very nasty side to her. Don’t be surprised if she goes out looking for a mr Goodbar as a way to lash out at you. I strongly recommend that you carry a VAR around to record your interactions. You don’t want their trying to get a false domestic abuse charge against you. 

Use TAM as your sounding board for your strategies or to just vent. You have a ton of experience on this board at your fingertips from the many who have R’d and the many that have D’d.

Ps, stay away from the bottle and start working out. It will help you the stress that you will face. Your kids need at least one sane and stable parent now more than ever.


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## Rus47

@MiddleAgedFool: If you have any family nearby, it would be good to lean on them and any good friends. Your WW being served is just the beginning of a long and winding road for you and your kids. It is too bad you can't separate


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## SunCMars

Make haste, hie yourself away from her.

There is already enough hate in this world, leave it for others to fling, sling and scornfully fondle.

Be above the fray, your children need to see honor, up close.
It is a wondrous thing to observe.

There is no joy in seeing a broken person kicked, while supine.
Wanton or not, this woman, she is your children's mother.

Let them judge her.
Let society judge her.

_The Universal Power_ has already begun its condemnation of her.
She is crumbling.

Admittedly, she will make herself heard and will (continue to) make herself hated.
That is the broken mirror reflecting her image.

Step back, close your eyes to all that.

Let your attorney do what is needed, what is legal.
This is the best of the worst ways of getting through this.

This is a process, not a simple, _pick, sign and deliver outcome._
It will be years before the smoke and the dust settles out in your life.




_King Brian-_


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## Divinely Favored

Buy a voice recorder and carry it at all times so she does not trump up charges or something.


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## Stormguy2018

MiddleAgedFool said:


> Filed for divorce, she should be served soon. Still living at the house cause I want to be around my kids and continue to do what Ive been doing. I take them to school, bring them home. Help coach their teams, ya I'm really involved with them.
> THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED
> *wife got tattoo with my name on it, saying she will always love me
> *She started getting the tattoos from him covered by other ones from a professional shop
> *She dyed her hair the same color as POSW
> *being all lovey dovey and texting me sweet things like "your my everything"
> *switches from extremely lovey to questioning anything i've done wrong in 15 years ( bringing up old stuff to pull me down to her level)
> *wants pictures of us together all the time. wears sexy things and sends me pictures
> 
> im expecting here to turn to satan once she gets the paperwork 🤷‍♂️


Your wife obviously has some pretty severe mental issues. I feel for you dude.


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## BigDaddyNY

@MiddleAgedFool It's been a while, last update was she was being served. How's it been going?


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## uwe.blab

BigDaddyNY said:


> @MiddleAgedFool It's been a while, last update was she was being served. How's it been going?


Dear OP. Hope your days are better now.


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## HarryBosch

MiddleAgedFool said:


> YES I think there are some red flags, let me know what you think
> 
> Dyed her hair a different color
> dressing up a little more than normal
> After years of saying no - she now has a facebook
> she just recently got a couple new tattoos and now wants a "sleeve"
> she has always listened to music but now i notice her listening to it louder and more ofter, car is always blaring loud, never was like that ever


THOSE...are red flags, big time.


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## MattMatt

@MiddleAgedFool How are things going with you?


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## gameopoly5

My own quote: The Obvious is not always the fact, but also, _If it looks like a duck_, swims _like a duck_, and _quacks like a duck_, then it probably is a duck.
In other words there is a lot to say about gut feeling and should be followed up and not ignored.


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## jparistotle

MiddleAgedFool said:


> Filed for divorce, she should be served soon. Still living at the house cause I want to be around my kids and continue to do what Ive been doing. I take them to school, bring them home. Help coach their teams, ya I'm really involved with them.
> THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED
> *wife got tattoo with my name on it, saying she will always love me
> *She started getting the tattoos from him covered by other ones from a professional shop
> *She dyed her hair the same color as POSW
> *being all lovey dovey and texting me sweet things like "your my everything"
> *switches from extremely lovey to questioning anything i've done wrong in 15 years ( bringing up old stuff to pull me down to her level)
> *wants pictures of us together all the time. wears sexy things and sends me pictures
> 
> im expecting here to turn to satan once she gets the paperwork 🤷‍♂️


MiddleAgedFool. How are you doing?


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## syhoybenden

I suspect that this has not been resolved to his satisfaction.
He was reading here just a few days ago but did not engage.


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## CraigBesuden

GusPolinski said:


> Is this where the “cheaper to keep her” clause gets invoked?


I don’t know about OP’s state and its alimony laws. But you and your wife essentially each own half of your assets, and you support your children with your income. After divorce, it’s the same dynamic. In the short term, you will both be worse off. In the long term, you will do far better than her.

I would wait, make her get a full-time job, rearrange your finances, etc. (You can insist that she agree to a post-nup stating that you get everything if she cheats again.) If you later divorce, you are in a better place.


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## CraigBesuden

Megaforce said:


> Perhaps fight for 50/ 50 physical custody. Things are better for guys nowadays in this area. Not perfectly equitable but better now. That should reduce child support payments.


In my state, guys supposedly get a fair shake in family court these days. Child support can be too high, but split custody works well.


----------

