# Wife just bought F Me Pumps....



## Nix (Jan 23, 2012)

Situation: long term lesbian relationship of 10 years. Partner has been unemployed since 2009. I support us. Lots of financial problems, obviously. R/S was wonderful for the most part until 2010. Partner's unemployment ran out. She has still not returned to work except for a brief stint last year which ended badly (she flipped out and refused to follow directions).

Obviously my partner has some emotional/mental issues and those have become really clear to me in the last couple of months. She is having a mid life crisis spurred on by memories of a traumatic attack that happened to her when she was 19. Oh, she also lost 100 pounds over the course of the last few years. She has lots of mental damage from her family of origin including religious guilt.

So beginning in April things have been really, really bad. She had a flashback and lost her mind. I was cut off from sex and affection, and basically abandoned emotionally by her. I went through the initial shock phase, then the coping phase. Partner wasn't communicating with me really at all at this point.

In mid May she dropped the bomb that she's not sure she's gay. We had a tumultuous weekend, we broke up for about 5 minutes then got back together. A week or so later we had a talk that seemed to clear the air (basically I told her that I had sexual feelings for guys too and was OK with not acting on them, and that it did not threaten our r/s in my eyes). Oh, and I ALSO told her that if she decided she wanted a "boy toy" that I was out and she was on her own. She has been much more affectionate with me and loving since then, and every week has gotten better. The sex has not come back yet but the affection is slowly returning including cuddling. We are also communicating better and she is sharing details of what she discusses with her friends/therapists pretty freely.

What's happening now is this: I posted yesterday about my suspicion that she has an eating disorder. She passed out early Monday morning three separate times. She just eats fruit, and that's it (and not much of it). All she talks about is food, weight and exercise. She is in therapy but I don't think it's the kind of therapy she really needs. 

So we saw her mother the other day. I've always gotten along well with her. It was a nice visit and we went shopping at the end of it. Her mother used to refuse to buy my partner clothes if she was over a certain weight, and now that my partner is skinny she and her mother shop a lot. Plus my partner has no $ and mom buys her whatever she wants. Which on this shopping trip, included a pair of F me pumps. My partner has NEVER worn anything even remotely like this before.....and our sex life does not include that kind of kink......not that I would mind, but trust me, that isn't why she wanted those shoes.

I can understand the shoes in the context of wanting them as a reward for losing all the weight. She told me she likes the way they make her legs look. She admitted that they are totally impractical but she wanted them anyway and mom bought them for her. Of course a bigger concern for me is that she might be thinking these shoes are bait for attention from men. On a subconscious level I am sure that this is true. She has a lot of damage, internalized homophobia, etc. YET at the same time she is being affectionate and loving with me, and it is genuine. Not the same as before but genuine. 

Ladies, I don't know if you agree but I think all of us like to know that we "still have it." I know I do! So if she wants to be whistled at, get an admiring look, etc I really do not have a problem with that. My bigger problem is that I am not attracted to the heel-wearing, appearances are everything, superficial type of woman, and she was not that person when we met. This is what her mother is and it SEEMS that my partner wants to be that way now, too....or feels she "should be" that way......I don't know if she is fundamentally changing or if this is all part of the MLC.

Our lease is up in July and some kind of decision - to stay together and keep working on things, to separate, to break up - is coming then....she had an interview for a job last week and is waiting to hear back, however we had a deal that she was to apply for 5 jobs per week, and she hasn't done that this week.


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## torani (May 6, 2013)

Welcome, sorry to hear your having some issues. 

I suffer from PTSD from a traumatic childhood, 18 years of it. It has caused some major issues in my present relationship. Through counseling I have learned that my partner triggers me and my issues more than anyone else I have ever been with. 

I am doing EMDR and we are in MC. I can relate to your partner, over the past 2 years, I have went through major depressions, spells of drinking, dieting, throwing up my food, smoking mj, and then on to smoking cigarettes, also working hard to change my appearance, buying new clothes changing my hair etc... I have managed to get control of all of it but its taken counseling ( EMDR ) to help me do this and realize WHY I was doing all of those things. 

Its a cover up. To put it simply, something is unresolved and hurts deeply inside, all of these things I was doing was me trying to cope and make myself feel better, even though I have no idea what the unresolved issue is... Still working on it. 

My actions are not my partners fault despite the major relationship issues we have, the triggers are for me to own and get control of, so I hope you will take comfort in this.

Sounds like your partners mom, may be contributing to her illness. Just by the comment about her being overweight and now being rewarded by mom for losing it. Seems like a major "Trigger" for your partner. 

All you can really do is support her, encourage and reinforce good behavior and talk to her about getting the most appropriate/effective treatment to help her because that will make a difference. 

The question may be, can you mentally handle staying with her as she works to resolve the issues. I am CERTAIN it is also very tough on you as well, and your well being is JUST as important as hers. 

Take care of YOU to! I don't know if this is helpful or not but I really do hope the best for both of you.


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## x-ray (Jun 12, 2013)

From what you have described, and without knowing everything you know about your partner, it seems like she has gotten used to having her way paid for her by others.

I think the f-me pumps are in preparation for trawling meat markets for men. Which I assume would be the easiest pockets for her to get into? Should it all go wrong in July with your Lease/Decision.

That's what springs to mind anyway.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

100 lbs is a lot of weight to lose...I really don't connect this with wanting to impress men at all, but rather her now feeling she can pull off wearing this type of shoe with confidence. Generally speaking, when a man or woman loses a lot of weight and are in a relationship, it can cause either insecurities in the other partner to creep in and/or the partner who lost the weight may start to re-evaluate other areas of their life as if a new world has opened for them. Not sure if either of these apply to you - your partner sounds as though she has several personal battles that are holding you both back at the moment.


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## Nix (Jan 23, 2012)

Thank you for the input. Based on the fact that things are starting to improve between my partner and I, I tend to agree with Torani and Swedish that she is going through a process that has nothing to do with me but is bound to affect me as her partner.

I am also taking accountability/responsibility for my own issues which has already helped me/us a lot. I definitely have *a lot* of issues!!! I am getting help but need to get more!

Torani, I do think PTSD is part of what is going on. She is not officially dx'd but underwent an assessment for a dx, so she should hear back soon. Hopefully this will lead to more treatment for her. Your insights are very wise and welcome, and they help a lot.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

You know all about female sexual fluidity. You know about the biological clock and body agenda, so the obvious question is:

How old is she?


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## Nix (Jan 23, 2012)

She's having a mid life crisis for sure on top of whatever else is there. She just turned 40.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Nix said:


> She's having a mid life crisis for sure on top of whatever else is there. She just turned 40.


There you go. And probably too late for kids. My aunt's live-in girlfriend back in the 60's went loopy when she hit menopause and suddenly decided she needed kids. Too late.


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