# Never will be enough



## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

You guys, I was looking at my handsome, strong, stress-riddled, deeply analytical, tortured soul of a husband and realized; I am not and will never be woman enough for him (he's had a bad day in his brain). I'm not sure if he'll ever be happy, but I'm fairly certain that it won't be with me. I can't give up on my current plan- showing my remorse for my EA, and proving that I love HIM. But since my remorse v desperation thread and my deleted snooping thread, I have not been coping well. Have seen therapist thrice in two weeks... 
"let him go" is what you say. He's not going, though. He's here. 
I don't want to believe it, maybe tomorrow, I'll believe it.
Can you tell I'm the emotional type, a trait that I hope to overcome in IC?
And I'm so sorry if you're a BS having to read my bs. No electronic pun intended. 
(is it even allowed for me to do this here, as a ws?)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

You're welcome here as far as I know,so welcome.I've been reading your posts somewhat and I can understand your H's need for space in dealing with your EA.I'm just curious how you've both dealt with things in your past.You said you had 4 tumultuous years pre-marriage and you even had a brief PA early on in the relationship.How did you both reconcile all this to the point where marriage was viewed as a good path to go down? You obviously found something worthwhile in one another.So what's missing now that wasn't back then? Or is it just a matter of one too many bad choices?


----------



## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

Because we were knocked up, and loved eachother, we decided to start over, a R of sorts. False, I guess, because I was never truly remorseful, and he never recovered from his resentment. 
But, we valued family. I also believe that, even though, we love eachother and are intelligent beings, we're codependent. I'm sighing and crying. "It's complicated" is accurate for us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

You know my view. It's all in front of you. And at this point in your court. Be the person you'll both be proud of in 40 years.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> I am not and not never be woman enough for him


You may well be. Don't give up on your husband, yet!


----------



## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

Matt, you are so optimistic. You bring a freshet of tears to my eyes. Your encouragement helps me to be the woman I desire to and am working to be. Thank you.


----------



## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

Sayjellybeans, what has been your husbands response when you've spoken about separation? Is he just not deciding? Or does he feel pressured by other factors,like the children.

Have you both considered a trial separation? Sound like he needs space. Maybe you too.


----------



## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

I do think we both feel pressured because of the children. Funny, ive been advised to not leave the home. I offered to give a break by staying with my mother, but he didn't take me up on it. Yes, I need SOMETHING to help me from breaking down every other week.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

I'm pretty much where your Husband's at. I'm at 2 years post D-day,and my CW has only recently got to a point where I'm comfortable with her company. She made a lot of big mistakes, especially lies, post D-day. I'm not sure I'll ever forgive her.

But she is giving it the best chance now. I guess all you can do is your best, keep working at it. Listen to him. Show you care.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Sayjellybeans, I have been in your position...and I have been in HIS position. The only thing I can say is this. If you love him, don't give up. I didn't give up, I am not giving up. It's not easy, let me tell you. But I love him, and we are determined to make our marriage work. We've had a few setbacks, in various areas, but we still keep moving forward, together. If that is what you truly want, then don't give up. I didn't think I was worthy of my husband after what I did (2 EAs). But he forgave me, even when I couldn't forgive myself. But it CAN happen, if you both want it.

And welcome to TAM.


----------



## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Answered my questions via PM, thanks.


----------



## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

What helped ME feel better was being able to get our kids out of
the house for the weekend and just spending time together relaxing and communicating.

There were moments where we didn't agree and it got ugly...
there were others that where great and we found that we could've avoided certain situations or feelings, 
had we discussed them first.

Negative or positive... after communicating, you'll have a better
sense of where you are and what's in store ahead for you once
you get your feelings all out in the open.

I honestly feel better about things when my wife and I talk, as opposed
to talking to my IC.

I would also *highly* suggest reading "The 5 Languages of Love"
and "NOT Just Friends".


----------



## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Sayjellybeans, I have been in your position...and I have been in HIS position. The only thing I can say is this. If you love him, don't give up. I didn't give up, I am not giving up. It's not easy, let me tell you. But I love him, and we are determined to make our marriage work. We've had a few setbacks, in various areas, but we still keep moving forward, together. If that is what you truly want, then don't give up. I didn't think I was worthy of my husband after what I did (2 EAs). But he forgave me, even when I couldn't forgive myself. But it CAN happen, if you both want it.
> 
> And welcome to TAM.


You've posted on a thread of mine before.  
FYI, don't think he wants it.


----------



## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

cantthinkstraight said:


> What helped ME feel better was being able to get our kids out of
> the house for the weekend and just spending time together relaxing and communicating.
> 
> There were moments where we didn't agree and it got ugly...
> ...


Thank you. I've read Not Just Friends, but The 5 Languages. I'm interested in knowing his love language, but it's hard with a man like him. 
We do nice activities with the kids. It does help. 
I definitely engage in open communication (too much? maybe) He tries sometimes, but sometimes, when he's especially stressed, he just wants the feelings to pass since, in his mind, talking about it will prolong acute attacks of stress/sadness. I've tried to get him to open up to me, that saying out loud these ugly feelings might help them to dissipate, but I have to drag it out of him.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Purchase a punching bag and a pair of gloves for the garage as a gift.
Althought I rejected it my wife put a picture of herself in the darts's board.


----------



## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

Ha! Good one. His birthday is next month...
I was finally able to tell him why I was so distraught last night. He shook his head and replied that it's not true; it's not who I am, it's what I did that matters right now, and then proceeded to say a few complimentary things about me. That was sweet of him to say. I know in the not too distant past, he would have let me continue to think the worst.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Say Jelly Beans do not move out and do not give up.

I would take over emotional from my wife than not emotional at all.

And if you are hurting then try to communicate with him. I know you said he is tough to get him to open up.

But there is always the chance he will.

We have another BS who did not open up until it was too late (affair went physical and his wife went crazy and moved out with OM) and you know what? He found his emotions, communicated that he would like to R with her under very specific conditions.

Guess what? It was just the sign she was looking for. They are together trying to R under very trying circumstances. But they are trying!!!!!!

Do not give up and keep looking for a sign from him. Be open and honest no matter what he says.

And if he really needs space go to the other side of the house for a little while.

HM64


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Say Jelly Beans do not move out and do not give up.

I would take over emotional from my wife than not emotional at all.

And if you are hurting then try to communicate with him. I know you said he is tough to get him to open up.

But there is always the chance he will.

We have another BS who did not open up until it was too late (affair went physical and his wife went crazy and moved out with OM) and you know what? He found his emotions, communicated that he would like to R with her under very specific conditions.

Guess what? It was just the sign she was looking for. They are together trying to R under very trying circumstances. But they are trying!!!!!!

Do not give up and keep looking for a sign from him. Be open and honest no matter what he says.

And if he really needs space go to the other side of the house for a little while.

HM64


----------



## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

cantthinkstraight said:


> I would also *highly* suggest reading "The 5 Languages of Love"
> and "NOT Just Friends".


I would add dearpeggy.com. Basically, "Not 'Just Friends'" reduced to soundbites. Should be required reading for every WS.


----------



## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

Those who care, I have a post in the private section. If you have any more words of wisdom, I'd appreciate it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

I don't know about your husband but I know that even a year and a half out I still have to struggle with extreme angry when I feel triggered. I get the same way during those times. It's either withdrawal or let it fly which would be equal to a verbal tsunami if that happened. I've made sure he knows my pain but only when I can control the anger. He might feel like if he starts he won't be able to stop. Hope that makes sense.


----------

