# I cheated... what's next for me?



## confusedwondering (May 12, 2015)

Hello All,

I have been married for couple of years. I felt that we rushed to make this decision but here I am... married.

First, I should explain that under no circumstances I want to defend my position. I have been unfaithful to my previous girlfriends before, more than few times. But infidelity when you are married seems more serious.

The reason for cheating has always been to sleep around and eventually it became a routine. While that is true I also felt that I need someone else and have never been happy with whoever I'm with. Perhaps this is one of those cases?

When I first met my wife I felt that she could really be the one. She is family oriented, pretty, appeared friendly and confident at the time, and that was really attractive to me. After we moved in together and living as a married couple things completely changed. She gained weight and doesn't care about her appearance, has no job, not feeling very confident with people, not hanging around with her friends anymore. She often tries hard and I really appreciate it but I feel the spark is gone. Resentment is growing and when I try to help her I might be doing the exact opposite. I really don't want to hurt her... At this point, I have no interest in family; not like this!

Sex is starting to really be a problem also. After the recent encounter I had with another woman I have zero desire for sex with my wife. I can't stop thinking about the other girl, which seems like the best time of my life. Why am I missing out on this kind of opportunity? Or maybe I'm just delusional.

I really don't know what the next steps should look like for me?
I have option to ask for a divorce, which will crush her, shock my family and hers. Beyond that I don't even know what the consequences are. Or, I can try and make this work. This needs some serious help though and I really hope that there is something that would make me happy.

Am I just another player who never grew up? Or have I made a terrible decision when I got married?


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

confusedwondering said:


> I really don't want to hurt her...


You already have. She just doesn't know it yet, but it's inevitable. 

Set her free. 

You're a serial cheater, she's let herself go. What's to save? 

This way you both can learn from the experience and hopefully move on and improve yourselves for the next relationship.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

confusedwondering said:


> Hello All,
> 
> I have been married for couple of years. I felt that we rushed to make this decision but here I am... married.
> 
> ...


Most of your post is shifting blame onto your wife for your affair. Your willingness to betray her and the problems in your marriage are only related as an excuse for you to behave badly. 

First of all you have to confess your affair and then you will have to spend several years winning back her trust. This will be very difficult, but if you assume a marriage can exist on lies, you only waste time to learn later that it cannot and you will continue to cheat and manipulate her. Who knows, she might dump you the moment you confess.

If you choose reconciliation (R) together it will be a long road. It will require Individual Counseling and Marriage Counseling (IC and MC) and in the process you will need to eliminate any expectation of privacy in your life and live proactively transparent to your wife. In this process you will need to find a way to deal with the wider issues in your marriage, but you lost any moral authority to address your dissatisfaction with the marriage first when you had the affair. 

If you don't love her, just leave her. The worst thing you could do is continue to deceive her. Sometimes a shock like that is what is needed for a person to get their life together.

Edit: So long as you are willing to cheat, you will cheat no matter how great your partner is. You need lots of IC before you are suitable for marriage because you have no clue what sharing your life is with someone.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

confusedwondering said:


> Hello All,
> 
> I have been married for couple of years. I felt that we rushed to make this decision but here I am... married.
> 
> ...


Yes, and yes.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You are not a grown up. Marriage takes a man. Fess up and give her an amicable divorce. 

Then grow the hell up before you set your eyes any higher than a party girl.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

confusedwondering said:


> Am I just another player who never grew up? Or have I made a terrible decision when I got married?


I give you credit, you are here looking for answers which is more than 90% of serial cheaters do, but you sound like you are looking for validation. You won't find much of that here. If you want to be different and in a committed relationship, you will need to grow up. 

The problem is so deeply rooted in how you view other people, your empathy, compassion ( or lack there of) are all offset from reality. You avoid consequences for your actions through manipulation and lies and probably do it in all areas of your life. If you want to change you will need to approach this as seriously if you where are an alcoholic working on killing themselves with booze. The first step is to recognize you have a problem and then start a long road of self discovery and renewal. Probably not worth the trouble, much easier to just keep playing people.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

OP, you aren't marriage material. Maybe you married young and thought you knew what you wanted, but if you cheated on your past girlfriends, that would have indicated the kind of lifestyle you really desired... And still do. 

Put your big boy pants on, tell your wife the complete truth, then divorce her in the most amicable way you can muster. Don't let her cave and beg you to stay, because she sounds a bit like she might be a doormat with low self esteem that would blame herself. 

Leave her alone, don't sleep with her and risk her health anymore, especially not if you can't wait to have more sex until after your official divorce. 

Be happy with the current woman getting your rocks off... The kind of woman that will gladly have sex with a married man. I genuinely mean that. Best of luck to you.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You're not going to change. You have cheated on your previous girlfriends and now your wife. Be kind to your wife and divorce her. At this point in your life, you are a frat boy. You are best a single man and remain that way, until you become responsible for that "one woman man".


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You know the one person who you constantly cheat on? Yourself.

And why has your wife "let herself go?"

She knows you are cheating on her. You have destroyed her. Good job.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Just divorce your wife.

Then seek counseling to figure out why you act this way.

Were you molested as a young boy? Did your father step out on your mother?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Roselyn said:


> You're not going to change. You have cheated on your previous girlfriends and now your wife. Be kind to your wife and divorce her. At this point in your life, you are a frat boy. You are best a single man and remain that way, until you become responsible for that "one woman man".


This is a good response.

You are who you are- a betrayer.

Get divorced and then go out and have a good time with unmarried women.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)




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## confusedwondering (May 12, 2015)

Thanks for replies. I like this one in particular because I believe it to be true. Yes I have behaved in this manner in other areas of my life as well. Quite frankly other people are quite manipulative too but I'll let that go. This isn't why I'm here. What I'm trying to find out is how to fix myself so that I don't ruin peoples lives. IC seems like an option, how about books I could read? I'm not young anymore and I keep making the same mistakes...

Most importantly how did I not see this coming? It seems that I'm capable of making other decisions but I make really poor ones with relationships.

Does all this have to do with my self esteem too? Why am I always feeling like I'm entitled to more that what I already have? Is this really only my fault? If it is then what could I have done differently to not allow the spark to be gone? Or do I just have to accept that as fact of life and suck it up?

I'm am not seeking validation, I just want to understand how others with more experience deal with this. Yes I'm obviously still not marriage material but I'd like to be. Most importantly I want to reach some stability and right now I don't have it...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are the two of you?

How long did you two date before you married?


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

confusedwondering said:


> Thanks for replies. I like this one in particular because I believe it to be true. Yes I have behaved in this manner in other areas of my life as well. Quite frankly other people are quite manipulative too but I'll let that go. This isn't why I'm here. What I'm trying to find out is how to fix myself so that I don't ruin peoples lives. IC seems like an option, how about books I could read? I'm not young anymore and I keep making the same mistakes...
> 
> Most importantly how did I not see this coming? It seems that I'm capable of making other decisions but I make really poor ones with relationships.
> 
> ...


Why do you not rob banks for more money? 

How about rape? Feeling a bit horny? Why not go take what gratifies you?

Is it just to avoid jail? If the apocalypse happened tomorrow would you be some maniac on a motorcycle killing people for sport?

Why do you cheat to have more (sex, intimacy, ect...)?

It is the same moral problem. You choose to be a moral person or you choose self gratification at the expense of others. So Choose to do the right in all cases if you want to be different. 

If not try to minimize the carnage you leave in your path because the rest of us have to live in the same world.

Edit: I am not comparing murder, rape, and theft with your cheating, I am making the point that if this seems complicated or difficult you just have not applied morality to the question. I believe people can compartmentalize. You need to unpack your infidelity from the "normal" and put in the same spectrum as all things hurting others. -Wrong and immoral.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

confusedwondering said:


> Thanks for replies. I like this one in particular because I believe it to be true. Yes I have behaved in this manner in other areas of my life as well. Quite frankly other people are quite manipulative too but I'll let that go. This isn't why I'm here. What I'm trying to find out is how to fix myself so that I don't ruin peoples lives. IC seems like an option, how about books I could read? I'm not young anymore and I keep making the same mistakes...
> 
> Most importantly how did I not see this coming? It seems that I'm capable of making other decisions but I make really poor ones with relationships.
> 
> ...


How do you stop this?

Stop cheating. You just stop it. The moment you start looking at a woman with the intent to hook up with her you have destroyed your marriage. Why? Because once you start down that path, your subconscious will be looking for ways to justify cheating. 

Cheating is a lot like a drug. The excitement and clandestine manner of it makes our brains pour out all kinds of feel good chemicals. So you get high. That's why you keep thinking of the other woman, you want a fix to increase your brain chemistry.

You keep moving from woman to woman because at the start of a relationship, the feel good brain chemistry is pumped out in large quantities. Once you have been with a woman for a while, your brain slows down the production.. so you go looking for a new woman.

IC is a very good idea for you. I think that you also need to see a psychiatrist to see if you are Bi Polar. What you describe is very common among with who are Bi Polar.. always chasing a new high through risky behavior.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You are morally deficient big time and need counselling. Your poor wife deserves better than you. Grow a pair, stop making excuses for your actions and come clean with your wife. Be a man and deal with the consequences whatever they may be. Time to grow up!


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## PBDad (Apr 13, 2015)

You need to start being the right man. So far, you have yet to out-grow puberty.

Some boys are stuck there. Man up and face adulthood.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

confusedwondering said:


> If it is then what could I have done differently to not allow the spark to be gone? Or do I just have to accept that as fact of life and suck it up?


Seems you are into the "new" and novelty feelings to come with a new woman/person/experience. What you have to realize is that the "new" wears off with everyone. Everything new eventually becomes old. Relationships evolve.


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## South Stand (Dec 17, 2014)

confusedwondering said:


> Hello All,
> 
> I have been married for couple of years. I felt that we rushed to make this decision but here I am... married.
> 
> ...


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## Cakes (May 13, 2015)

confusedwondering said:


> Hello All,
> 
> I have been married for couple of years. I felt that we rushed to make this decision but here I am... married.
> 
> ...


Its not hard.. You need to let your wife go. Your just going to give her more misery. Quit wasting time she deserves to be happy and you are not the one that can make her happy, you have already proven that. If your still thinking of the other woman you are cheating still and your wife deserves better. As far as not working, no friends, and letting herself go that is your opinion. The facts are that you cheated and continue to do so, but you do not love your wife. Let her go, let her live, LET HER LOVE AND BE TRULY BE LOVED.


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## Cakes (May 13, 2015)

Let your wife go. She deserves to be truly loved, not tolerated. You will only make her more miserable. Your still thinking of the other woman then your still cheating. You did not really say anything nice about her only that you did not want to hurt her. If you do not want to hurt her, LET HER GO.. LET HER LIVE, LET HER LOVE, LET HER BE LOVED BY A MAN THAT WILL APPRECIATE HER, Because it is not YOU..


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You can't have both...

So decide!

you say you want a committed marriage but your heart says other wise. stop bull shyting your self and except the fact that you like phucking strange and being with new chick while enjoying the score/hunt.

It ain't wrong but once you start lying to your self and other and hurting your self and others then thats the problem. 

Time to own it and be the guy the wants to be single ...even whe everyone thinks you should settle down.

Go have fun, be honest and most off all stop bull shyting your self in thinking you want a committed relationship.

A relationship will come along...stop forcing it and enjoy phucking around by being honest.....AND STAY AWAY FROM MARRIED CHICK!

My point is you can play around but be honest about it...face it and own it and stop being some one you think other want you to be.

That's my $0.02

At the end of the day you keep forcing this bull shyt on your self and on to these women ...when you can be honest except your self and have a good time.

The reason you feel like shyt is you keep forcing your self into this mold...do your self and the women you meet and stop it!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm curious...do you have any house plants or even a garden? Do you have a pet?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm serious here...if you don't have a house plant then get one. If you can keep it a live for a year then get a pet..if not forget abot the pet.

However if the plant thieves then get the pet. If you can keep the pet a live with out loosing it all the time and it thrives for a year...then maybe you can work your way in to a relationship with out killing it or losing it.

Just saying you gotta start some were by committing to something with out phucking it up!


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
You are most assuredly not mature enough to be in a committed, monogamous relationship. If you truly want to be in one, then you are limited to being forced to behave in the same way that you are forced to act responsibly within the confines of normal society. You must be threatened with punishment.

If you break a law then you must face very unappealing consequences and the same must be initiated for your marriage vows. If you break them then you must receive negative consequences commensurate with the offense.

This is the only way to keep a child's behavior within acceptable parameters. The mind of a child only understands fear and retribution so those are the only effective deterrents to bad behavior. Since children do not understand empathy, then their offense that hurts another must also be made to hurt them as well, if we are to modify their way of behaving.

How does it feel to be of whatever chronological age you have attained and to now realize that what you need in order to behave like an adult is a spanking. This must be a source of great pride for you. You may take heart however, in the knowledge that you are most definitely not alone and, given your mentality, that is most likely consoling. I wish you success in your attempt to grow up.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

"She let herself go".

Please. Gaining weight is the ultimate sin in a marriage? Great, put even more pressure on women so they feel their appearance defines their worth. 

You weren't in it to begin with. You thought you were until the old p*ssy wrangling you creeped up. You were supposed to say goodbye to that guy when you married .. and develop a more mature form of love. 

Whatever you do, don't tell her it's because she let herself go. Don't add insult into injury, mate, if you have a bloody heart. She'll probably tear herself apart thinking that's the reason anyhow. :-(


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## len51 (May 22, 2015)

Been there and done that. You can stop if you truly love your wife and want it to work. If you really loved her, how she looks would not matter. If you do not love her it would be kinder to divorce her now before you have kids and wasted years of her life in a loveless marriage. Everyone deserves better than that.

The bloom comes off the flower in all marriages. Most divorces occur in the third year. When we hit a bumpy spot I started communicating with my wife to tell her why I was not happy and asked her to tell me the same because I loved her and wanted to make the marriage work. It did help and we went on and the next forty years were wonderful. 

The grass is always greener and if you want to stop all you need to do is stop. It is a decision you make. Many of my friends are on their 3rd and 4th marriages, paying child support and alimony so that they live like paupers. There is always someone better as I too learned. A new lover is always more exciting than your wife. After all your new lover does not nag you to take out the trash or stop spending so much. She is only with you for the gun and games part of your life so naturally she is going to be viewed in a better light than your wife. Just realize this because many divorce their wives for girlfriends and after they live with them, leave them too.

It is simply a decision you have to make.


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## quiesedba (Apr 19, 2015)

Look dude, you do not have any kids right? and after 3 years she is letting herself go? Dumb her..... she'll get over it..... dont let these people judge you.... they dont live in your house.... I agree your not marriage material... that's great... you don't have to be marriage material..... stay single and you wont be here asking strangers questions.... this site is full of women, feminist and lawyers.... 

Take if from me I have been married 20 years and it sucks, set yourself free.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Maybe you just like sex w/a variety of people. Life is more than plain vanilla for some. This is perfectly okay, btw.

What is not okay is you broke a commitment you made to your wife. You are now adding insult to injury by taking away HER right to make a decision about what she wants to do about it.

Its interesting. The more I learn about fidelity, or lack of, the more I am convinced that it is not the cheating per se (there are always 2 sides to a story) but the *lying about it* (and being caught) that is what destroys most couples chance of reconciliation.

The stories I read where a spouse screwed up *but fessed up BEFORE their BS found out* and then committed to making amends are the ones where R has the highest chance of success.

Choose what is most important to you - marriage or sex with a variety of people, then act accordingly. If you divorce your wife (I assume you don't have kids?) before you take her too far down the path, I think you will actually be doing both of you a great favour.

I wish you the strength to move forward with integrity. Good luck.


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