# I'm afraid my jealousy will ruin my marriage



## Wyrd One (Sep 10, 2012)

My wife and I, married 10 years, have had some recent turmoil and it's driving me up the walls with worry.

*Some back story:*
My first real girlfriend growing up was a long distance relationship. She was verbally abusive and didn't treat me very well. We went out for nine months and it wasn't great, but I was a 16 year old kid who thought he was in love. 

Then I met a new girl at school, who lived much closer, and ended up breaking up with the first girl to go out with the second. This second girl is the root of my jealousy issues I believe. 

The first month I was very happy with her. She seemed great compared to the first girl. Then we went to the Rocky Horror Picture Show together. It's a very "free love" experience there and I was just a nieve kid. She was kissing other people and ignoring me. That very night she met another guy she liked there and from that point forward she was trying to choose between him and me. This continued on for 2 more months and the cast of "other guys" rotated and grew and shrank. At one point she had 4 boyfriends she was trying to choose between. She strung me along for those 2 months, dangling the promise of us being exclusive together in front of me and then snatching it away, until I finally grew a little backbone and broke up with her. I kept a journal during this period of my life and the whole time I would sign off each entry with "but I love her so much".

At the end of the 3rd month immediately after I broke up with the 2nd girl, I met another girl, Crissy, and everything went from being dark and depressing to wonderful. She and I were happily together for 4.5 years, and we lived together for 2 of those. I thought everything was going great, but near the end I learned she had been drifting away from me for awhile. She met a guy at her work she really liked, and we were broken up before I knew what happened. To be fair she was only 15 and a half when we started dating and she'd never been with anyone else. It wasn't likely to last, I just wish the end hadn't been so abrupt.

I don't think I ever dealt with any of this. I moved so quickly from the awful situation with my 2nd girlfriend to the happy times with my 3rd that I just never really faced what I'd gone through I think. It's just been buried in some corner of my mind for 17 years.

*My Current Story*
I was single for a year and a half after my last grilfriend broke up with me, which was a good thing for me I think. Then I met my current wife at the college book store where I worked. We hit it off, started dating, and have been together for 10.5 years now.

It was nothing but happyness for me. I could be myself and she loved me for it. I didn't have to put a lot of effort into things, we simply got along great and had a lot of fun together. We never really fought and on the rare occassions we did it was a reasoned discussion about things. Life was pure bliss for 10 years and I loved every minute of my time with her.

She's a surgical resident who is at work 80-90 hours a week, and while there she's making major decisions and can literally have people's lives in her hands. On the other hand I'm a programmer and I really have no conflict or turmoil in my life. Everything always seems to go my way and I loved it. Because of this difference she has matured quickly, and a lot more than I have, and she recently revealed she feels like this is causing us to grow apart a bit. She wanted to bring it up now so we could repair it before the gap gets to wide, which I definitely appreciate.

So there's that I'm contending with. On top of that, she recently had a party with her fellow residents while I was out of town, and the last person to leave was a guy named Louie. They were drinking and talking together late into the night and now she says she really connects with him and can talk to him easily. She hasn't really had any real friends in the area for the last 10 years. Her closest friend moved to DC and they talk on the phone every now and then, but she can't hang out with her. So now she has decided to invite Louie to be her new closest friend. They've started hanging out and texting and I find myself becomming incredibly worried about this new development. 

The combination of her saying she feels we've grown apart a bit, plus her finding this new close male friend is truly scaring me. The fact that he's a single male just makes it a hundred times worse. If her new friend was a woman I would have zero concerns and be happy she has a friend in the area she can hang out with and talk to again. She has told me over and over again she has no romantic interest in him and he's just a close friend she can talk to about work and seafood and coffee and other things I don't share her interest in.

So I don't know what to do or think about all of this. On the one hand, she's an adult and has every right to have a friend, even a male friend. On the other, I feel like it's really weird that my wife is starting to hang out with and talk to another man. 

She's trying to invite him to go out to a nice dinner with her this week, and I know I'm just going to be sitting at home alone, fuming, and letting my brain spiral into darker and darker scenarios, and by the time she gets home I'm probably going to be livid with her for things she likely didn't even think or do.

I need help. I need to know if this situation is normal for an adult couple, or if her starting to spend some of her very limited free time with another man is a bad sign. 

I also need to get over this jealously because she's gone so much, and when I can't talk to her I just start to let my mind run wild and completely freak myself out. She has also pointed out that she feels a little smothered by me, that I'm too possessive. I can see that I think. I don't want to share her, I don't want her to have fun, interesting, deep conversations with another man. I don't even want her to have negative thoughts about me, but I can't control her, I don't own her, and it's not fair for me to restrict her or impose my will upon her too much. Then again, I don't want to be a doormat again like my previous relationship and just let her take advantage of me.

One good thing that's come of this is that I've never been good at dealing with confrontation. In the past if my wife told me negative things, or was mad, I would just retreat into my shell, clam up, and just be sad, like a scolded little puppy. I'm getting better now though. This whole situation is forcing me to face this head on and we've spent nearly every night of the past 2 weeks having adult conversations about what's happening and how we might fix it. I just don't know if we can fix this and cure my jealousy, or if I need more help. I don't really have anyone to talk to about all of this except her.

So thank you if you've taken the time to read all of that. If you have any words of wisdom I sure could use them right now. I'm so scared I'm going to lose the love of my life, I want to do whatever I can to make things okay again. I want to go back to being happy with her again, but maybe that time of our life/relationship is gone forever?


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I do not think you're being unreasonable. If I was in your shoes, I would be very firm and clear about my beliefs, which happen to be that it's fine to have opposite sex friends, but it is *not* fine to harm a relationship over it. 

I have opposite sex friends, and I would never dream of not inviting my husband along whenever I meet up with them, which is rare enough - maybe once a year or so. He doesn't always want to join (in fact, never has!) but he's ALWAYS invited. I would expect the same consideration and if I did not get it, I'd be very clear that my partner's behavior was showing me how much they didn't value our relationship.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Actually the problem you have with jealousy is that over and over you do not listen to your feelings and be the man. This is very unattractive to many women. You have no boundaries and continually you are ok with you GFs and now wife dating other men.

Why are you so submissive and willing to let other men take your women? You know some women will push their boundaries to see if their man is man enough to object or cares enough to intervene.

So why do you think it is ok for your wife to date other men?

And look at from the woman's point of view. Why would they be interested in a man like this? You need to work on your own self esteem. 
You need to feel that you are worthy of being the man in her life.

So I would tell her that her dating other men, hanging out and partying with other men is unacceptable in the marriage. If you cannot do this then she is gone. If you compromise on this boundary that means you do not have a true boundary.


----------



## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I think if I was in your position I would tell your wife this man has to be friends to both of you - you get invited along always when they want to talk.


----------



## CynicalMate (Sep 12, 2012)

I'm sorry to say it, but fidelity of people in medical residency is astonishingly low. People in medical residencies are treated worse than factory workers in China, so the residents all share a common bond of "shared suffering". Your wife's friend understands exactly what she's going through, and this is likely a source of comfort for her. 

Tell her how you feel. DO NOT give an ultimatum since those never do anything but cause resentment and distrust. But also acknowledge her strains from work too - it's hard to be a resident and have a relationship at the same time. I'd try to find a support group (here's one: The international Medical Spouse Network -) and see if that helps.

You can make it, but you both have to be devoted to the cause. If she loves you, she'll understand your fears. The best thing possible is to communicate.

As a side note, who the hell would ever want to be a doctor in this society? Doctors are not held in high esteem anymore like they once were, and they spend 70% of their time filling out insurance paperwork and putting together PowerPoint presentations about difficult cases. The insurance companies call the shots, so they don't even really get to help people like they hoped they would in their college days. If she likes to solve problems and make lots of money, tell her to learn some computer programming and go become a technical analyst.

I've witnessed this exact situation first-hand, except my friend had children with his wife too. They're still married, but oh the problems he used to cry to me about...


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Wyrd One said:


> My wife and I, married 10 years, have had some recent turmoil and it's driving me up the walls with worry.
> 
> *Some back story:*
> My first real girlfriend growing up was a long distance relationship. She was verbally abusive and didn't treat me very well. We went out for nine months and it wasn't great, but I was a 16 year old kid who thought he was in love.
> ...


----------



## jfv (May 29, 2012)

You should change the title to "I'm afraid my poor boundaries and conflict avoidance will ruin my marriage". These are your real issues. If anything you don't seem jealous enough.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

AndreaLeel said:


> I would be very firm and clear about my beliefs, which happen to be that it's fine to have opposite sex friends


And to date them?

If you are married?


----------

