# Confusing porn use



## confused16 (Nov 25, 2020)

Okay, I have just learned my husband has a porn addiction. We are very sexually active. I have tons and tons of sexy stuff, send him picsand videos whenever he wants. Thousands for his spank bank (literally). And I have giant fake boobs as well!! He has been caught numerous times. I am not okay with it. the time before I told him I would leave if I caught him again. Well, I caught him. He says he loves me and screwed up and is making the same empty promises again. he also claims he NEVER masturbates to the videos. I just don't buy this part at all. Like wtf is the point? Why would he risk our marriage? I'm so confused and sick about it all.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

confused16 said:


> Okay, I have just learned my husband has a porn addiction. We are very sexually active. I have tons and tons of sexy stuff, send him picsand videos whenever he wants. Thousands for his spank bank (literally). And I have giant fake boobs as well!! He has been caught numerous times. I am not okay with it. the time before I told him I would leave if I caught him again. Well, I caught him. He says he loves me and screwed up and is making the same empty promises again. he also claims he NEVER masturbates to the videos. I just don't buy this part at all. Like wtf is the point? Why would he risk our marriage? I'm so confused and sick about it all.


How long have you been married? How old are the each of you? Are there children involved? How many times have you forgiven him already?

I would assume he is risking your marriage, because he doesn’t believe that you will actually leave over this. Will you?


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## confused16 (Nov 25, 2020)

Spicy said:


> How long have you been married? How old are the each of you? Are there children involved? How many times have you forgiven him already?
> 
> I would assume he is risking your marriage, because he doesn’t believe that you will actually leave over this. Will you?


25 years married. I am 43 he is 45. 2 Adult children and 1 16 year old. Over the last years maybe 5 times. Yes I want to leave and he is making it difficult. Also I have been a stay at home mom for 20 years. I'm terrified about my future but I am resilient. I just can't be in a marriage with lies. The lies definitely hurt more than the porn.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Now, you know - all those pics and videos you sent him just fed his addiction.


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## confused16 (Nov 25, 2020)

yes, I feel like a fool.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Why does it bother you if you have a very active sex life? I'm not talking about the lies, but his porn use.


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## confused16 (Nov 25, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> Why does it bother you if you have a very active sex life? I'm not talking about the lies, but his porn use.


It bothers him if I do it. we made a promise to eachother. I kept mine.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

confused16 said:


> It bothers him if I do it. we made a promise to eachother. I kept mine.


ok, got it!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why does he think he's a special snowflake who doesn't have to keep his promises? Why doesn't he want you to drool over naked men? Is he afraid he wouldn't measure up?


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## confused16 (Nov 25, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> Why does he think he's a special snowflake who doesn't have to keep his promises? Why doesn't he want you to drool over naked men? Is he afraid he wouldn't measure up?


I honestly don't know the answer to this. Like I said earlier I'm more hurt by the lying and hiding. Aside from this issue he is an incredibly great man.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

confused16 said:


> I honestly don't know the answer to this. Like I said earlier I'm more hurt by the lying and hiding. *Aside from this issue he is an incredibly great man.*


Gently, no, he isn't.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

There must be something that is driving his addiction. It might be useful if you could get to the bottom of this. I am going to advise not leaving until you get to the bottom of why he does it - is he looking for some new excitement, is getting something he doesn't get from you through this or something else?


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## confused16 (Nov 25, 2020)

manfromlamancha said:


> There must be something that is driving his addiction. It might be useful if you could get to the bottom of this. I am going to advise not leaving until you get to the bottom of why he does it - is he looking for some new excitement, is getting something he doesn't get from you through this or something else?


Right now he is saying he doesn't know why and it's not like you think. He says it has nothing to do with how he feels for me and it makes him want me more. So ya know, just more confusion.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

confused16 said:


> Right now he is saying he doesn't know why and it's not like you think. He says it has nothing to do with how he feels for me and *it makes him want me more. *So ya know, just more confusion.


This is insightful. It may be he is having a little difficulty in the arousal department which would be pretty common for his age. Does he use Viagra or other daddy's little helper?


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## confused16 (Nov 25, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> This is insightful. It may be he is having a little difficulty in the arousal department which would be pretty common for his age. Does he use Viagra or other daddy's little helper?


He's a walking boner...no issues at all.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Well, then. He ain't got no excuse. lol He looks because he wants to and to hell with his promises.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

confused16 said:


> It bothers him if I do it. we made a promise to eachother. I kept mine.


Are you sure he's unhappy if you do it?


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## confused16 (Nov 25, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Are you sure he's unhappy if you do it?


Pretty sure. I mean he says so.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I do think that you need to mean what you say or he will know that he can just carry on. Personally I couldnt be with a man who thought it was ok to use porn, who lied and deceived. A lady I used to know got so fed up with her husbands porn use that had happened over many years she gave him a choice, the porn or her. He knew she meant it as she was ready to end the marriage, and stopped just like that, so it can be done IF he knows that you mean it. She knew that he wouldn't stop otherwise, he had no incentive to. Sometimes a clear boundary needs to be set or nothing will change.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

confused16 said:


> Pretty sure. I mean he says so.


Just checking, he may be rolling that way because you are, just a hint of different perspective. 

Without ultimatums or hysteria here, it seems like there are definitely some relationship challenges, porn may or may not be the only issue I'm thinking. 

Porn that interferes with a relationship is indeed a problem.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

confused16 said:


> 25 years married. I am 43 he is 45. 2 Adult children and 1 16 year old. Over the last years maybe 5 times. Yes I want to leave and he is making it difficult. Also I have been a stay at home mom for 20 years. I'm terrified about my future but I am resilient. I just can't be in a marriage with lies. The lies definitely hurt more than the porn.


IF you are determined then he cant stop you. I do think that he should be the one to leave though.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

confused16 said:


> Right now he is saying he doesn't know why and it's not like you think. He says it has nothing to do with how he feels for me and it makes him want me more. So ya know, just more confusion.


Have you tried 
1.insisting you'll be doing it too.
2. Tell him to carry on, just use discretion and make sure he knows you fully expect him to be available anytime you want him for sex.

Enthusiastically tell him no worries, ask can you buy him some lube, and then ignore it for a set period in your mind, see if he crosses the bridge to it not being so important, after you make it a non issue to him.

Time will tell.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

confused16 said:


> 25 years married. I am 43 he is 45. 2 Adult children and 1 16 year old. Over the last years maybe 5 times. Yes I want to leave and he is making it difficult. Also I have been a stay at home mom for 20 years. I'm terrified about my future but I am resilient. I just can't be in a marriage with lies. The lies definitely hurt more than the porn.


You caught him five times in 25 yrs?
Or, he did it 5 times in 25 years?

Is the porn the only thing he's lied about or is he a habitual liar in all things?

Kindly, these aren't questions because I don't think there are problems but trying to gain more info on his overall character outside of conversations regarding porn.

Has he had an affair?


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## Impulse (Jun 10, 2020)

confused16 said:


> Okay, I have just learned my husband has a porn addiction. We are very sexually active. I have tons and tons of sexy stuff, send him picsand videos whenever he wants. Thousands for his spank bank (literally). And I have giant fake boobs as well!! He has been caught numerous times. I am not okay with it. the time before I told him I would leave if I caught him again. Well, I caught him. He says he loves me and screwed up and is making the same empty promises again. he also claims he NEVER masturbates to the videos. I just don't buy this part at all. Like wtf is the point? Why would he risk our marriage? I'm so confused and sick about it all.


Most men masturbate to porn. It doesn’t (necessarily) mean he wants to have sex with the people on the screen. Maybe he is just getting off and bringing that sexual energy to you. 
The only question that matters is: do you still have enough and satisfying sex? If he’s making causes to avoid sex with you, then I would worry.


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## Impulse (Jun 10, 2020)

confused16 said:


> Right now he is saying he doesn't know why and it's not like you think. He says it has nothing to do with how he feels for me and it makes him want me more. So ya know, just more confusion.


As a guy, I don’t find it confusing. I never crave for any other woman and even if the most sexy woman entered my room, I would still pick my wife to have sex with every time. Sometimes, we watch porn together. She says she hates porn. Yet she gets very wet watching it.
She also doesn’t like it if I do it by myself. And most of the time, I don’t do it (who has the time..). 

The fact that you made him promise not to watch it but he still does it or that he doesn’t want you doing it but thinks it’s ok for him to do it...I am not sure how I feel about it. My first thought is, why make him promise something you both know he won’t be able to keep. It will just give you something to resent him for.

I think there’s a world of difference if he uses it as an aphrodisiac to sex with you vs a substitute. The latter is a problem. The former is not, in my opinion.

I am also sorry you felt you had to get a boob job...People can do what they want with their bodies but I wouldn’t want my partner risking health for something that is not necessary.


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## Impulse (Jun 10, 2020)

confused16 said:


> He's a walking boner...no issues at all.


There are still degrees of desire...If (like me), he wants to experience his partner in the most intense way possible, then why does it matter? If he needs to jerk off compulsively every 5 minutes and porn is the only thing on his mind then it’s a problem. I can’t get a sense of how bad it is. Is it possible you are mostly pissed off about the fact that he broke the promise or does it really interfere with your sex life? (The former could be misconstrued as a form of control). Just reading tea leaves here...


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## Impulse (Jun 10, 2020)

confused16 said:


> 25 years married. I am 43 he is 45. 2 Adult children and 1 16 year old. Over the last years maybe 5 times. Yes I want to leave and he is making it difficult. Also I have been a stay at home mom for 20 years. I'm terrified about my future but I am resilient. I just can't be in a marriage with lies. The lies definitely hurt more than the porn.


Ok, are you sure you want to leave because of porn or you want to leave and would use porn as a reason? Is porn the only issue or do you have other problems? Or just fell out of love? (I don’t mean that there’s anything wrong with falling out of love. Happens to a lot, actually probably majority of couples).

Did he ask you to do the boob job btw or is it something you felt you wanted/needed?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Impulse said:


> Most men masturbate to porn. It doesn’t (necessarily) mean he wants to have sex with the people on the screen. Maybe he is just getting off and bringing that sexual energy to you.
> The only question that matters is: do you still have enough and satisfying sex? If he’s making causes to avoid sex with you, then I would worry.


He claims he NEVER masturbates to porn. Are you saying he is lying about this, too?


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## Impulse (Jun 10, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> He claims he NEVER masturbates to porn. Are you saying he is lying about this, too?


Sorry, that was imprecise use of language...I meant most men watch porn. Some masturbate (touch themselves; I know, gross. Sorry!). And some orgasm from porn. 

I kind of assumed he only didn’t do the latter, if they still have lots of sex. Otherwise he would be shooting hot air and not bother with sex


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

If there wasn't still a child in the house, I'd be having that crap playing 24/7 until he got so sick of it he'd beg me to stop.

As it is, ask him how he's going to explain the divorce to the kids and everyone else. Is he going to say "I can't stop watching porn even though I don't want your mother to watch and made her a promise that I wouldn't, either." Yeah, way to go Dad. Make sure you tell him that you won't be lying for him to let him save face.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Impulse said:


> Sorry, that was imprecise use of language...I meant most men watch porn. Some masturbate (*touch themselves; I know, gross. Sorry!). And some orgasm from porn.*
> 
> I kind of assumed he only didn’t do the latter, if they still have lots of sex. Otherwise he would be shooting hot air and not bother with sex


You're too funny!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So OP, 
Why are you upset about the porn? Do you think he is going to cheat on you? Does he lie about other things? 

honestly, he sounds like a sex addict or at least a porn addict. The porn addiction can be tough to break. And watching pier doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t want you or isn’t faithful. It’s just a very unhealthy thing. Lots of people lose desire for their wife due to porn use.
If he’s a good husband in every aspect other than watching some damn porn, I don’t know if it’s really worth leaving him over. Especially since everyone has some problems and he’s probably done this for 25 yrs and has apparently treated you pretty well. I assure you, it’s not so easy to replace someone that actually loves you.

why does it bother you so bad about the porn? What about it specifically bothers you enough to divorce him? I’m just asking. I realize that’s a deal breaker for some women. And honestly, he may never stop.

and I agree it’s a bad thing. But better than some other bad things.....

the people that are egging you on to divorce him over catching him watching porn—- I think that’s ridiculous.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> Now, you know - all those pics and videos you sent him just fed his addiction.


OP says she's sent thousands of pics and videos to H.

Is it even possible to send thousands, while raising kids?

How would one find the time?

OP,

If H is a habitual liar and untrustworthy you definitely should leave.

But it takes two to tango, are you really sure it's all him and his porn, not him without the porn?

It sounds like finances aren't a problem, just an assumption there.

What else does H do to make you want to leave?


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## Impulse (Jun 10, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> If there wasn't still a child in the house, I'd be having that crap playing 24/7 until he got so sick of it he'd beg me to stop.


‘Porn Torture’ as a provable technique to save failing marriages: I like where this is going!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> IF you are determined then he cant stop you. I do think that he should be the one to leave though.


Why?
That’s crazy. What horrible thing has the guy done? Got caught watching porn?
OMG....... he’s so horrible.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Didn't she say it isn't the porn but the lying and hiding? Not to mention the double standard.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

There's soon to be an empty nest.

I wonder if the H plans on leaving afterwards, without OP being aware?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> Didn't she say it isn't the porn but the lying and hiding? Not to mention the double standard.


That's why I asked is he a habitual liar, or is it only the porn topic?

If only the porn topic, reality is he's shown he's an average guy. The horror of it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> That's why I asked is he a habitual liar, or is it only the porn topic?
> 
> If only the porn topic, reality is he's shown he's an average guy. The horror of it.


Does the average guy make his wife promise to not watch porn and promise he won't watch it either and then goes ahead and watches it? Are you saying the average guy thinks nothing of manipulating his wife and goes back on promises?

I guess I have a higher opinion of the average guy than you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Didn't she say it isn't the porn but the lying and hiding? Not to mention the double standard.


I agree the double standard is bs. I agree the lying and the porn is bs.

but of course he’s going to Hide it if she goes ballistic and will divorce him over it. What matters to me is does he lie about other things, and is he a cheater other than the porn crap. I realize it’s what matters to her that counts. But me, if he has a stupid porn addiction, but only has sex with his wife, and lives his wife—- couldn’t she learn to live with it? Or see if he would get some help for sex addiction if he has it?

I dint see this as a divorceabke offense unless there is other real women involved.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> I agree the double standard is bs. I agree the lying and the porn is bs.
> 
> but of course he’s going to Hide it if she goes ballistic and will divorce him over it. What matters to me is does he lie about other things, and is he a cheater other than the porn crap. I realize it’s what matters to her that counts. But me, if he has a stupid porn addiction, but only has sex with his wife, and lives his wife—- couldn’t she learn to live with it? Or see if he would get some help for sex addiction if he has it?
> 
> I dint see this as a divorceabke offense unless there is other real women involved.


You don't consider lying to your spouse a divorceable offense. Okey dokey.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> You don't consider lying to your spouse a divorceable offense. Okey dokey.


“Aside from this issue he is an incredibly great man”.

This counts. Aside from childish porn use. He’s a great guy. He treats his wife great. Her words. He constantly wants her for sex and apparently loves her and wants her in a rimantic

she has not said he’s been a liar or cheat in anything but the porn crap.

Some of you ladies who are so quick to pile up on a man need to slow down a bit. This woman that has been a stay at home mom while her husband has provided for all these years and has a husband that loves her may find her anger over his porn addiction that apparently doesn’t affect the rest of their lives—- puts her in a life that’s not nearly so good. 

OP, I’m not saying you’re wrong I’m divorcing him. If the lying is the issue, and the porn is not, then stop riding him about the porn unless it creates other problems and he won’t have to lie. If he’s a habitual liar in other things...... I say you should divorce him.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

So he won't *have* to lie. The poor muffin. I feel so sorry for him that she holds a gun to his head. Bullspit. Some guys just need to grow the **** up.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> You don't consider lying to your spouse a divorceable offense. Okey dokey.


Depends, case and point:
Honey, do these shorts make my butt look too big?

"No sweetie. Looks great". Every time ❤❤🙂🙂


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

confused16 said:


> Okay, I have just learned my husband has a porn addiction. We are very sexually active. I have tons and tons of sexy stuff, send him picsand videos whenever he wants. Thousands for his spank bank (literally). And I have giant fake boobs as well!! He has been caught numerous times. I am not okay with it. the time before I told him I would leave if I caught him again. Well, I caught him. He says he loves me and screwed up and is making the same empty promises again. he also claims he NEVER masturbates to the videos. I just don't buy this part at all. Like wtf is the point? Why would he risk our marriage? I'm so confused and sick about it all.


IMO, your options are:

Stay together and accept that things will never change. 
Divorce. He knows your ultimatums don't mean **** and you may have to shock him into getting help. You have to be prepared to follow through.
Since he is claiming he has a sex addiction, then require he gets into therapy for that. If he refuses, choose option 1 or 2. 

Whose idea was it to get the "giant fake boobs"?


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## cd2 (Nov 17, 2020)

Can't you lock out his phone and devices with a content filter that you own the password to? This will help him keep his promise going forward. I think all men should do this if they struggle with it. Let's face it porn isn't something a decent man needs to spend his time on.


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## Impulse (Jun 10, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> Does the average guy make his wife promise to not watch porn and promise he won't watch it either and then goes ahead and watches it?


That’s the one thing that makes no sense to me (that, and the boob job). I find it difficult to believe he would be against it if he did it himself. That’s hypocritical (not to mention against anything I know about men..Who doesn’t want to imagine their wife being a little freaky sometimes? Except when she REALLY gets freaky, then it’s just threatening to our manhood ...).

Maybe we should ask the husband what he meant...

Hey, @confused16, can you drag you husband’s sorry ass over here, we have a few questions!!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> Does the average guy make his wife promise to not watch porn and promise he won't watch it either and then goes ahead and watches it? Are you saying the average guy thinks nothing of manipulating his wife and goes back on promises?
> 
> I guess I have a higher opinion of the average guy than you.


That's a mixed answer. 

1. Yes, from what I read, is common, without saying right or wrong. New generation of internet folks, who grew up with the net.

2. No, as a daily activity. With context? It might happen as in honey, yes, i promise I don't mind, it's not a problem whatsoever your parents and their dog can stay with us a couple weeks or more, however you want.

I'm only saying the described absolutes being applied to the porn topic may just not be the man's entire character. 

I mean he's loved and cared for his family for over 25 years, two grown adults out of the house, one 16 to remains. 

It is possible OP is freaking out because the H soon won't have the whole family at home to worry about, she may want to more strongly make him think he should tighten up to keep him free from thinking how the empty nest will go.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OK so based on what you have said here are my observations:

I agree that most men masturbate to porn which doesn't mean that they don't find their wives attractive or exciting.
He may want the extra stimulus which is also normal.
He hides it for obvious reasons - you have told him that it is a bad thing.
Also most women say they hate porn when it is not always true.
I also agree that while he says he doesn't want you to do it, he could be very turned on if you do (so would you). This may be the stimulus that pushes him over into enjoying it with you.

He is a good husband otherwise and doesn't deny you when it comes to sex (walking boner). Make it so that he doesn't feel bad about doing it and weave it in to your playtime activities. Neither of you should use it when arguing or fighting as a way of scoring points and it should be fine.

This is why I did not advise you to leave. Curiously, is there any particular type of porn that he prefers? Again, you should not be judgmental when finding this out. He may like cuckold porn, or hotwife with big black c*ck, or other particular stuff and maybe its what gets him going even more.

Do you like porn?


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## Impulse (Jun 10, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> So he won't *have* to lie. The poor muffin. I feel so sorry for him that she holds a gun to his head. Bullspit. Some guys just need to grow the **** up.


Agreed! But what if we get into trouble with our wives and get grounded AGAIN?! Last time I tried to ‘grow the **** up’, she took away my weekend TV privileges!  

Always hard to know what’s REALLY going on behind closed doors..Either way, I sympathise with both..


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Impulse said:


> Agreed! But what if we get into trouble with our wives and get grounded AGAIN?! Last time I tried to ‘grow the **** up’, she took away my weekend TV privileges!
> 
> Always hard to know what’s REALLY going on behind closed doors..Either way, I sympathise with both..


Funny my wife did the same to me until I caught her lusting after big black athletes - of course she said she was just admiring their athleticism!


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## Impulse (Jun 10, 2020)

manfromlamancha said:


> Funny my wife did the same to me until I caught her lusting after big black athletes - of course she said she was just admiring their athleticism!


Of course. Totally understandable. Was the couch she was sitting on buzzing/vibrating at the same time while she said that?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

And what defines sex addiction here, daily sex?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> So he won't *have* to lie. The poor muffin. I feel so sorry for him that she holds a gun to his head. Bullspit. Some guys just need to grow the **** up.


Ummm!

You stepped over my line, Buster, um, Busty!.

Men are not subservient to woman.
Any, that are....they be squiggly wimps.

America is neutering its men.

I think he should divorce her for the anile, the demanding and anxious person that she is.
This is *not* a character fault on her part, it is a compatibility factor, one not congruent with continuing this marriage with this husband.

I agree, porn is a scourge on society, as are so many other things in life.

Most women do not have a clue what it is to be loaded with Texas Tea.

Men get it from both ends. Ooops!

Either they are co-dependent and soft wimps, or they are horn-dogs.
Some, you think, find a happy balance. Not really.


I think he should have been honest with her, stood his ground and told her to leave his private dealings out of it.
As long as he does not physically cheat, of course.

Rather than dump him over this, she should pester him every day and keep his sack empty.

Soon, he will age out from this condition.
Maybe, never entirely, but sufficiently.

She will toss an _otherwise_ good man for an honest lap dog.
Then again, if* that is what she wants*, then she should go for it.

Every one needs to find happiness.
She does, he does,.

Penises have no silent mode.


_Ares Martin-_ I am getting ready to duck


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## confused16 (Nov 25, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You caught him five times in 25 yrs?
> Or, he did it 5 times in 25 years?
> 
> Is the porn the only thing he's lied about or is he a habitual liar in all things?
> ...


I've caught him 5 times in 10 years prior to that I dont care. We hadn't come to our "understanding". He is not a habitual liar.


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## confused16 (Nov 25, 2020)

Impulse said:


> Most men masturbate to porn. It doesn’t (necessarily) mean he wants to have sex with the people on the screen. Maybe he is just getting off and bringing that sexual energy to you.
> The only question that matters is: do you still have enough and satisfying sex? If he’s making causes to avoid sex with you, then I would worry.


25 years of marriage 2-3 a week and it is NOT your average sex.


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## confused16 (Nov 25, 2020)

Impulse said:


> As a guy, I don’t find it confusing. I never crave for any other woman and even if the most sexy woman entered my room, I would still pick my wife to have sex with every time. Sometimes, we watch porn together. She says she hates porn. Yet she gets very wet watching it.
> She also doesn’t like it if I do it by myself. And most of the time, I don’t do it (who has the time..).
> 
> The fact that you made him promise not to watch it but he still does it or that he doesn’t want you doing it but thinks it’s ok for him to do it...I am not sure how I feel about it. My first thought is, why make him promise something you both know he won’t be able to keep. It will just give you something to resent him for.
> ...


A lot of assumptions here. 1. I didn't MAKE him promise. That was on his own.
2. I had 3 babies and saggy boobs. I got them done 100 percent for me. My husband didn't even want me to!!!


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## confused16 (Nov 25, 2020)

Impulse said:


> There are still degrees of desire...If (like me), he wants to experience his partner in the most intense way possible, then why does it matter? If he needs to jerk off compulsively every 5 minutes and porn is the only thing on his mind then it’s a problem. I can’t get a sense of how bad it is. Is it possible you are mostly pissed off about the fact that he broke the promise or does it really interfere with your sex life? (The former could be misconstrued as a form of control). Just reading tea leaves here...


It hasn't effected our sex life. I hurt about the lies. pissed isn't the right word.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> Ummm!
> 
> You stepped over my line, Buster, um, Busty!.
> 
> ...


Then he should not have made the promise to her he wasn't going to be involved with porn. And he should not demand that SHE doesn't look at it, what a hypocrite. And it's not like this couple isn't having sex a lot. They are. 

You know, not every man uses porn, especially those who are in relationships with a lot of sex.

If I were a relationship that included a lot of sex, and I had sent him a lot of visual material (as this OP has) and he still was a porn-er, I'd be totally turned off of him.


----------



## confused16 (Nov 25, 2020)

Impulse said:


> Ok, are you sure you want to leave because of porn or you want to leave and would use porn as a reason? Is porn the only issue or do you have other problems? Or just fell out of love? (I don’t mean that there’s anything wrong with falling out of love. Happens to a lot, actually probably majority of couples).
> 
> Did he ask you to do the boob job btw or is it something you felt you wanted/needed?


He would never ask me to do something to my body. I had to convince him. And no, I didn't fall out of love. I don't want to leave him but I do want to protect my heart.


----------



## confused16 (Nov 25, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> OP says she's sent thousands of pics and videos to H.
> 
> Is it even possible to send thousands, while raising kids?
> 
> ...


It is very possible to send 1000s of pics over 25 years.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

confused16 said:


> It bothers him if I do it. we made a promise to eachother. I kept mine.


Fair enough. Whose idea was it, and did one of you push it or insist? Was his agreement reluctant, or apparently equally sincere?


----------



## confused16 (Nov 25, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> Didn't she say it isn't the porn but the lying and hiding? Not to mention the double standard.


yes I did


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

confused16 said:


> It hasn't effected our sex life. I hurt about the lies. pissed isn't the right word.


Would he consider counseling or therapy, really, to help deal with his addiction and save his marriage?

I don't think you should end the marriage yet.

I also don't believe he has the tools or wherewithal to deal with his addiction on his own.

If he isn't willing to get professional help to work through his addiction and heal your marriage, I would say that makes your choice a lot clearer.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

confused16 said:


> I've caught him 5 times in 10 years prior to that I dont care. We hadn't come to our "understanding". He is not a habitual liar.


Thank you for responding. Kindly, gently, we're all on your "side" here, and on the success, if YOU want, on resolving issues to move the M onto happy M footing. 

The five times in ten years isn't a huge issue, really, unless a person is perfect themseleves and is an absolutist willing to die on that hill so to speak.

The fact that otherwise H isn't a liar or lax in his responsibilities is a good sign.

If you're this unhappy, is there a chance the problem is outside the porn issue?

Hang in there. Pls don't think everyone here is unsupportive when you may see a question on more specific details. It really helps advice to be much more helpful to individual circumstances. 

You're doing good.

Best,


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The lies are always the difficult part. They are a betrayal in themselves.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Impulse said:


> Most men masturbate to porn. It doesn’t (necessarily) mean he wants to have sex with the people on the screen. Maybe he is just getting off and bringing that sexual energy to you.
> The only question that matters is: do you still have enough and satisfying sex? If he’s making causes to avoid sex with you, then I would worry.


Even if most men did(and there are a lot who dont) that doesn't make it something that is positive or that helps the marriage.


----------



## Impulse (Jun 10, 2020)

confused16 said:


> It hasn't effected our sex life. I hurt about the lies. pissed isn't the right word.


Ok, so if you didn’t make him promise not to watch porn, and he promised this himself, shouldn’t he be pissed at himself about this?
Sorry if I’m misunderstanding. Trying to understand whether it’s the porn itself or whether you need him to stick to his resolutions.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

confused16 said:


> It is very possible to send 1000s of pics over 25 years.


For that time, even with kids, I can see it.

Thank you for updating.


----------



## confused16 (Nov 25, 2020)

cd2 said:


> Can't you lock out his phone and devices with a content filter that you own the password to? This will help him keep his promise going forward. I think all men should do this if they struggle with it. Let's face it porn isn't something a decent man needs to spend his time on.


Not gonna be a babysitter


----------



## confused16 (Nov 25, 2020)

Impulse said:


> Ok, so if you didn’t make him promise not to watch porn, and he promised this himself, shouldn’t he be pissed at himself about this?
> Sorry if I’m misunderstanding.


He is pissed at himself and acting incredibly remorseful.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> That's why I asked is he a habitual liar, or is it only the porn topic?
> 
> If only the porn topic, reality is he's shown he's an average guy. The horror of it.


I do appreciate that men who watch porn like to think its just normal and ok and that all men do it, but none of them are true. 
Its something that can and does end marriages and for women it can destroy their self exteem and their respect for their husbands.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Impulse said:


> That’s the one thing that makes no sense to me (that, and the boob job). I find it difficult to believe he would be against it if he did it himself. That’s hypocritical (not to mention against anything I know about men..Who doesn’t want to imagine their wife being a little freaky sometimes? Except when she REALLY gets freaky, then it’s just threatening to our manhood ...).
> 
> Maybe we should ask the husband what he meant...
> 
> Hey, @confused16, can you drag you husband’s sorry ass over here, we have a few questions!!


You might be on to something.


----------



## confused16 (Nov 25, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> Would he consider counseling or therapy, really, to help deal with his addiction and save his marriage?
> 
> I don't think you should end the marriage yet.
> 
> ...


He already found a counselor this week.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

confused16 said:


> He is pissed at himself and acting incredibly remorseful.


Which he presumably did the last few times as well?


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Thank you for responding. Kindly, gently, we're all on your "side" here, and on the success, if YOU want, on resolving issues to move the M onto happy M footing.
> 
> The five times in ten years isn't a huge issue, really, unless a person is perfect themseleves and is an absolutist willing to die on that hill so to speak.
> 
> ...


He was caught 5 times.


----------



## Impulse (Jun 10, 2020)

confused16 said:


> He is pissed at himself and acting incredibly remorseful.


Isn’t that a good thing?


----------



## confused16 (Nov 25, 2020)

Impulse said:


> That’s the one thing that makes no sense to me (that, and the boob job). I find it difficult to believe he would be against it if he did it himself. That’s hypocritical (not to mention against anything I know about men..Who doesn’t want to imagine their wife being a little freaky sometimes? Except when she REALLY gets freaky, then it’s just threatening to our manhood ...).
> 
> Maybe we should ask the husband what he meant...
> 
> Hey, @confused16, can you drag you husband’s sorry ass over here, we have a few questions!!


No one demanded anything. He made a promise to me and said the same thing back.


----------



## Impulse (Jun 10, 2020)

confused16 said:


> A lot of assumptions here. 1. I didn't MAKE him promise. That was on his own.
> 2. I had 3 babies and saggy boobs. I got them done 100 percent for me. My husband didn't even want me to!!!


Re 1: What made him make this promise then?


----------



## confused16 (Nov 25, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Which he presumably did the last few times as well?


correct


----------



## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

It most likely is an addiction. People who have and addiction most often need outside help to overcome it.

OP can you support him on trying to overcome this? My guess is that he has been trying to overcome it and has failed his own goals so many times.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> “Aside from this issue he is an incredibly great man”.
> 
> This counts. Aside from childish porn use. He’s a great guy. He treats his wife great. Her words. He constantly wants her for sex and apparently loves her and wants her in a rimantic
> 
> ...


If he was that great a husband he wouldnt risk loosing his wife over watching other women in porn. He wouldnt hurt and upset her for this. She said that if it happens again the marriage is over and he did it again and again. He lied again and again.


----------



## confused16 (Nov 25, 2020)

Impulse said:


> Re 1: What made him make this promise then?


When he got caught last time and it hurt me.


----------



## Impulse (Jun 10, 2020)

confused16 said:


> No one demanded anything. He made a promise to me and said the same thing back.


Oh I see. You mean he did a ‘Hitler & Eva’ manoeuvre? (They promised they would take the cyanide together, but then only Eva took it and Hitler didn’t, if I remember correctly. I wasn’t there).

What precipitated all of this? Was it because he was uncomfortable with you using porn? Or was it because he was uncomfortable with him using porn?

What happened if instead, you both relaxed a bit about each other’s porn use?


----------



## Impulse (Jun 10, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> I do appreciate that men who watch porn like to think its just normal and ok and that all men do it, but none of them are true.
> Its something that can and does end marriages and for women it can destroy their self exteem and their respect for their husbands.


I still think that it’s a lot better than a lot of other things men used to do when access to porn wasn’t so easy...But never mind. I think until all three of us (you, me and your husband) sit down and I show him how to navigate various categories and you realise that marriage can still be good, we will never agree on it


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

confused16 said:


> No one demanded anything. He made a promise to me and said the same thing back.


To perhaps add some broader perspective, I've promised dear W to never go fishing on short notice again; we're 70/30 on me keeping that promise. But she knows it will likely never be 100%.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Porn can be very difficult to give up. It’s possible he never will stop even if he really tries. If you’ve threatened to leave before (sorry, can’t remember) and didn’t, that told him it was an empty threat. If porn actually is something you’re willing to end the marriage over then he needs to be 100% sure you mean it.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> If he was that great a husband he wouldnt risk loosing his wife over watching other women in porn. He wouldnt hurt and upset her for this. She said that if it happens again the marriage is over and he did it again and again. He lied again and again.


Now, if he was an irresponsible drunk loser, mean, spiteful H with no job and a terrible father, you're saying it balances exactly the same?

There are broader circumstances in the whole 25 yr M here.


----------



## confused16 (Nov 25, 2020)

I feel like I need to clear some things up. When i posted I was in an incredible amount of pain. I'm in slightly less pain right now. My husband does treat me well and I would say he is my best friend/soulmate/love of my life.. I guess that is why the lies hurt so deeply. 25 years is a long time and being able to lie to the one person you shouldn't even physically be able to lie to breaks everything down in matter of seconds. He got caught and he offered nothing freely. I count this as more lies. He is appearing to be just as upset as I am and feels he has destroyed his entire existence. I love him so much that in my screwed up brain I say you can't leave and hurt him that way. Right now my brain and heart are fighting eachother so fiercely. He does keep saying he will fight for us forever. He installed 2 accountability apps on his own, signed us up for counseling (I declined) and he wants to still do it alone. And has made the same promise, again. All this is great. It matters to me but, can I believe him? I have told him I will sit and wait and see for now. He has work to do. A lot. 

He never, ever, not even one time asked, hinted or even suggested me getting my boobs done l. I only mentioned it because I do take care of myself. I know I have many physical flaws but I do look pretty good naked!


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## confused16 (Nov 25, 2020)

Openminded said:


> Porn can be very difficult to give up. It’s possible he never will stop even if he really tries. If you’ve threatened to leave before (sorry, can’t remember) and didn’t, that told him it was an empty threat. If porn actually is something you’re willing to end the marriage over then he needs to be 100% sure you mean it.


no I never threatened before


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## confused16 (Nov 25, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> If he was that great a husband he wouldnt risk loosing his wife over watching other women in porn. He wouldnt hurt and upset her for this. She said that if it happens again the marriage is over and he did it again and again. He lied again and again.


While I agree with much of this and have said these things. I also know he is human. Humans screw up. A lot.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

confused16 said:


> 25 years of marriage 2-3 a week and it is NOT your average sex.


Your husband gives you great sex, is a good provider, not a habitual liar, you enjoy his company, and you’re gonna divorce him over catching him watching porn?

I think you’re overreacting


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## Impulse (Jun 10, 2020)

confused16 said:


> I do look pretty good naked!


I totally believe you. Sorry I touched on the boobs subject...I just wondered, if it’s mostly you and your husband who see you naked (and you mentioned that he likes how you look and didn’t ask/force you to get a boob job, what motivated that decision). Isn’t it quite hard to tell what the boobs look like, behind a bra?
But in any case, that’s water under the bridge now and not important. As long as you both like them!


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Openminded said:


> The lies are always the difficult part. They are a betrayal in themselves.


Actually it's one lie. Just repeated. 

His only other option would be to reply; yes, you caught me, honey I'd like for you to give me a pass on this but I want you to be happy, so I'll divorce you tomorrow. 

That's his ONLY other response besides going with the obvious Honey I'm sorry and won't do it again, and stay married, because otherwise he knows they both have a good M and he knows she knows all in all things are good.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

confused16 said:


> no I never threatened before


Good. Never threaten. Mean whatever it is you say and be prepared to back it up.


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## confused16 (Nov 25, 2020)

Impulse said:


> Isn’t that a good thing?


Of course. But my brain does say, "you can't trust him right now"


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

confused16 said:


> I feel like I need to clear some things up. When i posted I was in an incredible amount of pain. I'm in slightly less pain right now. My husband does treat me well and I would say he is my best friend/soulmate/love of my life.. I guess that is why the lies hurt so deeply. 25 years is a long time and being able to lie to the one person you shouldn't even physically be able to lie to breaks everything down in matter of seconds. He got caught and he offered nothing freely. I count this as more lies. He is appearing to be just as upset as I am and feels he has destroyed his entire existence. I love him so much that in my screwed up brain I say you can't leave and hurt him that way. Right now my brain and heart are fighting eachother so fiercely. He does keep saying he will fight for us forever. He installed 2 accountability apps on his own, signed us up for counseling (I declined) and he wants to still do it alone. And has made the same promise, again. All this is great. It matters to me but, can I believe him? I have told him I will sit and wait and see for now. He has work to do. A lot.
> 
> He never, ever, not even one time asked, hinted or even suggested me getting my boobs done l. I only mentioned it because I do take care of myself. I know I have many physical flaws but I do look pretty good naked!


@confused16 , that's a great but of info, and shows you are a well rounded adult imho.

I've been M 36 yrs, and it's the long view, the complete picture that adds balance in a ltr.

I truly believe things will get better. And venting here is allowed, encouraged, so truly welcome aboard.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Actually it's one lie. Just repeated.
> 
> His only other option would be to reply; yes, you caught me, honey I'd like for you to give me a pass on this but I want you to be happy, so I'll divorce you tomorrow.
> 
> That's his ONLY other response besides going with the obvious Honey I'm sorry and won't do it again, and stay married, because otherwise he knows they both have a good M and he knows she knows all in all things are good.


One lie, the same one lie, over and over can hurt just as much — maybe more — than lots of lies about many things.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

confused16 said:


> I feel like I need to clear some things up. When i posted I was in an incredible amount of pain. I'm in slightly less pain right now. My husband does treat me well and I would say he is my best friend/soulmate/love of my life.. I guess that is why the lies hurt so deeply. 25 years is a long time and being able to lie to the one person you shouldn't even physically be able to lie to breaks everything down in matter of seconds. He got caught and he offered nothing freely. I count this as more lies. He is appearing to be just as upset as I am and feels he has destroyed his entire existence. I love him so much that in my screwed up brain I say you can't leave and hurt him that way. Right now my brain and heart are fighting eachother so fiercely. He does keep saying he will fight for us forever. He installed 2 accountability apps on his own, signed us up for counseling (I declined) and he wants to still do it alone. And has made the same promise, again. All this is great. It matters to me but, can I believe him? I have told him I will sit and wait and see for now. He has work to do. A lot.
> 
> He never, ever, not even one time asked, hinted or even suggested me getting my boobs done l. I only mentioned it because I do take care of myself. I know I have many physical flaws but I do look pretty good naked!


I think you should attend with him. Not because you did anything wrong but you are the partner of an addict and, if you want your marriage to succeed, you will need to know some things and go through some of it with him.

There are necessary support groups for the partners of alcoholics and this needs a similar commitment from both of you.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Openminded said:


> Good. Never threaten. Mean whatever it is you say and be prepared to back it up.


A word of caution, your H can also take charge of resolving, he doesn't need your approval to to so. He may say, ok, let's divorce. 

And it won't be because of the porn. It very likely will be something else, and you calling him a liar and dirtbag all the time may push him over his limit, too.

At that point all control is removed from your hands to his.

That is a real possibility. Something to think about.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Openminded said:


> One lie, the same one lie, over and over can hurt just as much — maybe more — than lots of lies about many things.


Not this lie.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

confused16 said:


> Of course. But my brain does say, "you can't trust him right now"


Some women couldn’t care less about porn but you do so, no, you can’t trust him right now and you shouldn’t. Wait and see how this goes.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I totally get that the lying is your biggest problem. Can you get that he is ashamed and at the same time, scared to death you’ll divorce him like you said? I’ll tell you, o consider myself a pretty honest person. I’d lie. I’d lie because I’m human and I don’t see a way out, based on your ultimatum.

I think you’re a fool to consider divorcing this man. And I mean fool figuratively. You sound like a totally reasonable person and I agree that you have reason to be upset. Divorce? Crazy


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Not this lie.


That’s your opinion. It’s not mine and it’s probably not hers.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I agree he can’t be trusted not to watch it. He’s addicted. But I do believe it’s something he wishes he wasn’t addicted to and wants to stop


----------



## confused16 (Nov 25, 2020)

Impulse said:


> I totally believe you. Sorry I touched on the boobs subject...I just wondered, if it’s mostly you and your husband who see you naked (and you mentioned that he likes how you look and didn’t ask/force you to get a boob job, what motivated that decision). Isn’t it quite hard to tell what the boobs look like, behind a bra?
> But in any case, that’s water under the bridge now and not important. As long as you both like them!


Woman get their boobs done all the time after babies. It's a common thing.


Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> To perhaps add some broader perspective, I've promised dear W to never go fishing on short notice again; we're 70/30 on me keeping that promise. But she knows it will likely never be 100%.





Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> @confused16 , that's a great but of info, and shows you are a well rounded adult imho.
> 
> I've been M 36 yrs, and it's the long view, the complete picture that adds balance in a ltr.
> 
> I truly believe things will get better. And venting here is allowed, encouraged, so truly welcome aboard.


Thank you ,I do feel the burden slightly lifted being able to talk to someone other than him about this. I don't want people to think poorly of him so I've told no one. I just can't. And I need an outlet.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Openminded said:


> That’s your opinion. It’s not mine and it’s probably not hers.


We disagree, I'm ok with that.

If this is the only lie, told as she "caught him masturbating" (yes, he surely was)

Its not like:
1. I'll be home from the bar early, then not, repetitively. 
2. I only had two beers, staggering home from the bar.
3. She's only a friend, I'm helping her study, not.
4. I made the car payment, but not,
5. I'm not having affair with my secretary, but is.
6. I won't tell at you and the kids, but does.

On and on. You're saying the lie he feels forced to make if masturbating is 100% the same?


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

confused16 said:


> Woman get their boobs done all the time after babies. It's a common thing.
> Thank you ,I do feel the burden slightly lifted being able to talk to someone other than him about this. I don't want people to think poorly of him so I've told no one. I just can't. And I need an outlet.


You're doing great, no worries. The support here is for you and in the hope it will help you traverse the hard times in hopefully a great M that continues and enjoyed long term.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Could you see yourself telling your husband that you don't care about the porn; but, the lies and hiding have got to absolutely stop? I don't know if you have any interest in watching porn; however, I'd be inclined to disavow that promise to him and do what you please - after all, he does. Tell him he can watch porn as long as he doesn't let it interfere with the marriage and lying and hiding activities definitely interferes with the trust in marriage. If you ask him if he watched, he needs to say "Yes, I did" if he did.

Maybe, it is the hiding that he gets off on - like a child sneaking one over on Mom. Which, I have to say, is a complete turnoff. A woman won't respect a man who behaves childishly.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Ummm!
> 
> You stepped over my line, Buster, um, Busty!.
> 
> ...


Hey, leave my bra size out of this (pervert). If he were a good man, he would say "Babe, I'm not gonna lie. I enjoy watching porn and don't let it interfere with our sex life. Are we going to the mat over this?" Then they could get it all out in the open with him having no feelings of shame or guilt and her not feeling as though her husband is untrustworthy and deliberately stomping on her feelings. 

But, what is good for the goose is good for the gander. She gets to watch, too, if she wants.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> Ummm!
> 
> You stepped over my line, Buster, um, Busty!.
> 
> ...


@SunCMars 

I could never say it as good as _Ares Martin !.
👍👍🙂🙂_


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Which he presumably did the last few times as well?


Unless he's a dummy.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> Hey, leave my bra size out of this (pervert). If he were a good man, he would say "Babe, I'm not gonna lie. I enjoy watching porn and don't let it interfere with our sex life. Are we going to the mat over this?" Then they could get it all out in the open with him having no feelings of shame or guilt and her not feeling as though her husband is untrustworthy and deliberately stomping on her feelings.
> 
> But, what is good for the goose is good for the gander. She gets to watch, too, if she wants.


Yay @Blondilocks !

This, and _Ares Martin's reply sum up the best!_


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

so marriage is good, he is good husband, you guys have sex. Why don't you tell him "porn is ok for both of us from now on" and that's it?. No more lies. He promised you not to watch it, because he knew you didn't like it. Do you have a problem with it, or you'd be fine if porn became ok ?


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> So he won't *have* to lie. The poor muffin. I feel so sorry for him that she holds a gun to his head. Bullspit. Some guys just need to grow the **** up.


Ummm!

You stepped over my line, Buster, um, Busty!.

Men are not subservient to woman.
Any, that are....they be squiggly wimps.

America is neutering its men.

I think he should divorce her for the anile, the demanding and anxious person that she is.
This is *not* a character fault on her part, it is a compatibility factor, one not congruent with continuing this marriage with this husband.


Livvie said:


> Then he should not have made the promise to her he wasn't going to be involved with porn. And he should not demand that SHE doesn't look at it, what a hypocrite. And it's not like this couple isn't having sex a lot. They are.
> 
> You know, not every man uses porn, especially those who are in relationships with a lot of sex.
> 
> If I were a relationship that included a lot of sex, and I had sent him a lot of visual material (as this OP has) and he still was a porn-er, I'd be totally turned off of him.


That is why I was ready to duck.

I did say he should not have made that promise.
Yet, he did, and he broke his promise.

Yes, porn is bad and is very harmful for the vast majority of relationships.

....................................................................................
Men ARE being neutered by Western Societies.
With the wacky notion regarding _toxic male masculinity_.

Men are often bullied by woman.
"Do as I say.... or you get no sex".

These are my main points.

Venus versus Mars, an impossible conundrum.

.................................................................................

Blondilocks has gotten too hard in her 'older' age. (reading a later post, she can, did)

It would be nice if she lightened, up. (she did, Kudos)

She would say that I should wake up.

Back and forth, this banter never ends!

................................................................................

OP said she is loving to her husband and is willing to keep him sexually satisfied.
All good.

She has her issues too, though I will not rehash them.

Her viewpoint is very different regarding porn, than his.

I suspect, that there is more to her story than she says.

Namely, he may not enjoy sex with her, and more.

Therefore, he would be better off divorced.
They need to divorce, problem solved.

...........................................................................

I am a hypocrite in this respect.
I am. 


_Are Dee-_ Ladies do not always side with their own gender.
On this topic, they do and have.


----------



## confused16 (Nov 25, 2020)

SunCMars said:


> Ummm!
> 
> You stepped over my line, Buster, um, Busty!.
> 
> ...


wow. gee thanks


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Hey, leave my bra size out of this (pervert). If he were a good man, he would say "Babe, I'm not gonna lie. I enjoy watching porn and don't let it interfere with our sex life. Are we going to the mat over this?" Then they could get it all out in the open with him having no feelings of shame or guilt and her not feeling as though her husband is untrustworthy and deliberately stomping on her feelings.
> 
> But, what is good for the goose is good for the gander. She gets to watch, too, if she wants.


Pervert?

You realize that *Red Dog*, whom you (many times) fed and pampered, reluctantly reported back with his findings.
He said, matter of factly, that you were a wonderful person and that they were....

.................................................

Thanks for the honest comeback.
Your are forgiven, and I'm forgiven.

Huh? What?


_Ares Martin-_ note: I was coached by_ The Typist_


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

confused16 said:


> wow. gee thanks


Yeah, witnessing that rearing and opposing rune, wreaks havoc on one's hearing that same sung tune.

We cannot all, always agree. That would make life boring.
Hmm, maybe boring is good!


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

confused16 said:


> wow. gee thanks


Remember 🙂 all responses are food for thought, not condemnation 👍🙂🙂. I agree with @SunCMars here, but take what helps, leave the rest.

It's all good stuff, much experience running around the forum. 

Don't take offense anywhere! You do want folks to be honest in responding, otherwise everyone would be a yes person, and that doesn't help Posters at all.

Glad your invested in finding potential solutions!

Your M really sounds worth savin, and even great Ms aren't all roses and sunshine ALL the time.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Impulse said:


> I still think that it’s a lot better than a lot of other things men used to do when access to porn wasn’t so easy...But never mind. I think until all three of us (you, me and your husband) sit down and I show him how to navigate various categories and you realise that marriage can still be good, we will never agree on it


On the contrary, he needs to show you how to navigate certain categories, such as being faithful by not watching porn etc.Watching what you see and look at and how to treat your wife with respect. 
Marriage for us wouldnt be good if one or both were cheating in this way, being so disrespectful towards each other as to be mentally comparing each other by what we see. We know that anything sexual should be between us and us alone.
Before porn men didnt do worse things, porn has made more men act badly towards women than before, especially among teenagers, experts in the field have said this.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

confused16 said:


> Of course. But my brain does say, "you can't trust him right now"


He says he will do anything to save the marriage, but he has had 25 years to do that and hasn't. Maybe he will succeed this time maybe he wont, but its only now that he seems to finally understand that you will leave that he is apparently going to try and stop. Sad that it took so long.
Counselling isnt much good unless he is seeing someone who deals with porn use/addiction.


----------



## Impulse (Jun 10, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> I think he needs to show you how to navigate certain categories, such as being faithful by not watching porn etc.


You know, I’m pretty sure I saw that category last night on pornhub (“how to be faithful”) so your husband may well be onto something here...


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> He says he will do anything to save the marriage, but he has had 25 years to do that and hasn't. Maybe he will succeed this time maybe he wont, but its only now that he seems to finally understand that you will leave that he is apparently going to try and stop. Sad that it took so long.
> Counselling isnt much good unless he is seeing someone who deals with porn use/addiction.


So you're saying he's been a horrible, terrible, dirtbag of a H for 25 years?


----------



## Impulse (Jun 10, 2020)

confused16 said:


> Right now my brain and heart are fighting eachother so fiercely.


Listen to your heart then (if that’s the part that says not to leave him over getting ‘caught’.)
This all seems very dramatic...
I think it’s terrible porn causes so many self-esteem issues to women when it really shouldn’t, especially in your case: he’s clearly not watching it because he prefers those women, he seems to be doing it as an aphrodisiac as he clearly still Ioves and wants you.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> Ummm!
> 
> You stepped over my line, Buster, um, Busty!.
> 
> ...


He might not enjoy sex with her??

So, are you saying men who use porn probably don't _really_ enjoy sex with their partner?


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Some guys hunt, some golf, some work too many hours, some fish.

But remember how Brad Paisley's fishing song turned out, I'm Gonna Miss Her, as he was loading up the boat.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Impulse said:


> You know, I’m pretty sure I saw that category last night on pornhub (“how to be faithful”) so your husband may well be onto something here...


Yes he is.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Livvie said:


> He might not enjoy sex with her??
> 
> So, are you saying men who use porn probably don't _really_ enjoy sex with their partner?


Uh oh.

It's on now. 😉


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> So you're saying he's been a horrible, terrible, dirtbag of a H for 25 years?


No,no where did I say that, but he has had many chances to stop the porn use knowing how much his lying hurts his wife and hasnt. If something I did really hurt my husband I wouldnt think twice about stopping. He knew this was his last chance yet still carried on.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Yes he is.


Then that's it. Your advice should then only be she MUST divorce him right now because he's been just ****ty for 25 years.

That's not really what you're saying is it?


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Livvie said:


> He might not enjoy sex with her??
> 
> So, are you saying men who use porn probably don't _really_ enjoy sex with their partner?


I suspect that many men who watch porn are thinking of the porn when they have sex. I find that really sad.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Impulse said:


> Listen to your heart then (if that’s the part that says not to leave him over getting ‘caught’.)
> This all seems very dramatic...
> I think it’s terrible porn causes so many self-esteem issues to women when it really shouldn’t, especially in your case: he’s clearly not watching it because he prefers those women, he seems to be doing it as an aphrodisiac as he clearly still Ioves and wants you.


Only a man could not understand how porn so deeply hurts many women.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Not this lie.


why not this lie?


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> why not this lie?


This is from my earlier post.

If this is the only lie, told as she "caught him masturbating" (yes, he surely was)

Its not like:
1. I'll be home from the bar early, then not, repetitively.
2. I only had two beers, staggering home from the bar.
3. She's only a friend, I'm helping her study, not.
4. I made the car payment, but not,
5. I'm not having affair with my secretary, but is.
6. I won't tell at you and the kids, but does.

On and on. You're saying the lie he feels forced to make if masturbating is 100% the same?


----------



## confused16 (Nov 25, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Uh oh.
> 
> It's on now. 😉


Luckily this was just rude and not hurtful. I certainly know better...


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

confused16 said:


> Luckily this was just rude and not hurtful. I certainly know better...


👍👍👍


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Some guys hunt, some golf, some work too many hours, some fish.
> 
> But remember how Brad Paisley's fishing song turned out, I'm Gonna Miss Her, as he was loading up the boat.


lol Well, at least ol' Brad had a fish he could hump. Gotta be better than pixels.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> lol Well, at least ol' Brad had a fish he could hump. Gotta be better than pixels.


See? Everyone wins! 😉😉😉


----------



## Ms. Hawaii (Mar 28, 2018)

Impulse said:


> This all seems very dramatic...
> I think it’s terrible porn causes so many self-esteem issues to women when it really shouldn’t, especially in your case: he’s clearly not watching it because he prefers those women, he seems to be doing it as an aphrodisiac as he clearly still Ioves and wants you.


Porn causes self-esteem issues to *some* women. 

I’m a woman,and I’m not bothered by porn. I don’t care if my SO watches porn. 

Correct me if I’m wrong, OP’s husband is the one who came up with the no porn rule. He doesn’t want her to watch porn, yet it’s okay if he does? . 

I don’t get why most men who are responding to this post keep focusing on the porn rather than on the lie. Being that he came up with the no porn rule, he should have no issues following it. 

I would be PISSED even though I’m okay with porn because I can’t stand liars. He LIED to her. 

I don’t get how she’s being dramatic. 

Lying is okay when it’s about porn and double standards?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Only a man could not understand how porn so deeply hurts many women.


Yeah. There obviously aren't any women promoting prostitution in all forms including porn and there obviously aren't any men who are dead set against it as extremely damaging and destructive.

I have never promoted porn anywhere including here and have been very against it when brought up in correct threads.

You need to think a little before opening your electronic mouth and letting loose with your extreme bigotry.

You are sadly mistaken to paint men with such a broad brush and you are often very unhelpful while throwing your biases out as facts.

While the numbers haven't caught up with men YET, female porn consumption is on the rise and becoming rapidly more prevailant. Guess what?

A lot of the same problems men have had with porn use have started popping up with women as well, including porn addiction. Go figure.

At least study up on a subject before slapping people around with your biases so you can at least have an informed response.

You have been wrong on some subjects you lecture others about here from your high horse.

I would think you would start to at least research some of these issues you have no problem beating people up for.

Sexual misbehavior, porn use, etc. is not a male centric sin.

This goes for all the guys here in the good old boys club about porn use as well. You guys sound ridiculous trying to defend the use of porn as some basic male pastime.

As women feel safer, more empowered and entitled, they are making many of the same choices men have made including using porn.

Porn for women is a rapidly growing industry.

I know what you might have been trying to imply but you said it very wrong and women are not separate or so much more moral than men here.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

@Ms. Hawaii 

It's likely initi4ally he felt trapped, had to go with most guys response, as in you're right dear, I'll stop.

He should have taken a stand years ago, and I'd bet it wouldn't have progressed to today's level.

Re the Promise? Again, trapped, pressured into a no win response.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Ummm!
> 
> You stepped over my line, Buster, um, Busty!.
> 
> ...


 ha-ha. You've been on your feet too long. Sit down and take a load off your mind. _* Anile*, _really?


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> This goes for all the guys here in the good old boys club about porn use as well. You guys sound ridiculous trying to defend the use of porn as some basic male pastime.


👏👏👏 👍👍👍 Let's hear it for the Barbarian!


----------



## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

You pretty much backed yourself into the spot you’re in when you told him you would leave him if he watched porn again. Don’t ever back yourself into a corner like that. Always leave a little strip of space to get yourself out. Either that or you’re going to suffer humiliation when you have to to reconsider your ultimatum.

You basically forced him to have to lie to you about it. If it’s the lies and not the porn, why give him anything he has to lie about?

If he’s a good man otherwise, why would you get so bent out of shape on him watching porn? You’re 43 years old and have been a stay at home mom for all these years thanks to him paying the bills, right? Therefore your kids were raised with the benefit of having you around also thanks to him. I’m not saying that as a low blow but as a reminder that he’s been very good to you and your children are probably better people for having had you around instead of being shipped to the babysitter all this time. You’re lucky.

I understand that some people think it’s cheating but I just don’t get it. You said yourself the man gives it to you the **** really good. He says he doesn’t masturbate while watching. So maybe that’s what he uses to have enough mojo left after a long work day to relax, rewind, and get it up for _you_.

I think masturbation, with or without porn, should be treated with the same privacy that one would expect if they were sitting on the toilet or picking their nose. It’s private! It’s _his _penis. This is another one of those things where “don’t ask don’t tell” would work really well. Then nobody has to lie. The lying is what most bothers you, right? Then _why_ make it impossible for him to tell the truth? The truth is he likes porn. The truth is he watches porn. You telling him not to is making it even harder for him to keep his eyes off of it. Everybody knows if someone tells you’re not to do something, that’s the first thing you want to do.

All you can do now is backtrack and try to save face somehow. Maybe tell him you changed your mind. Tell him you don’t give two ****s whether he watches porn or not anymore because you sure as hell are going to! Either that or leave him. Can you imagine telling the relatives? “Oh yea hey, hubby was ogling some porn stars. It’s over! I deserve better! I’m leaving him!”

Every single one of them would look at you like you were stupid. You think _most _men don’t watch porn? Why you gonna give up a good decent man for doing what men do? Isn’t there anything else you can fight about? Drugs? Alcohol? _Actual _cheating? Because in the big scheme of things, this is so small of a deal.


----------



## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I missed this the first time around. Thank you for saying it. 



ConanHub said:


> This goes for all the guys here in the good old boys club about porn use as well. You guys sound ridiculous trying to defend the use of porn as some basic male pastime.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Livvie said:


> He might not enjoy sex with her??
> 
> So, are you saying men who use porn probably don't _really_ enjoy sex with their partner?


This could be the case.
Maybe not.
Dunno.

With porn use, there is no hoping, no begging, no rejections, no foreplay, no complaints.
It becomes a lazy man's (selfish) way of _quickly_ getting his needs met.

Plus, it is addictive.

Passion in a marriage, must be a two- way street, a two-please arrangement.
Lovers want to feel desired. 

And, men and women wish to make love to those who they are passionate about.
Otherwise, it becomes duty-sex.

To me, duty sex is better than no-sex, but it is not good intimacy.

Duty sex, from either party, can inspire the lover(s) to dream of someone else, while doing the deed.

Sexual relations are always complicated.
Passion ebbs and flows, both up and down.

Ideally, inter-personal conflict should end at the bedroom door.


_Are Dee-_


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> lol Well, at least ol' Brad had a fish he could hump. Gotta be better than pixels.


You are on my Christmas, bad list!



_The Fishermen-_


----------



## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

@SunCMars you sure get around, don’t ya? 🤣


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> See? Everyone wins! 😉😉😉


Not the poor fish!


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Not the poor fish!


LOL Gotta love a man with a heart.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It is exactly issues like this, that makes it imperative to pick someone compatible.

In as much as this being, reasonably possible.

The problem is, people change as they age.

We are, but mere, electro-chemical organisms.
Our formulaic is never steady-state.


_King Brian-_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> LOL Gotta love a man with a heart.


As a fisherman, there is a good reason for this.

I do_ catch and release_.

That poor abused fish will never again come near my boat after that humiliation.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Women have important rights.
Some of those rights knock out many male suitors.

Some men get around those rights by doing the_ rope-a-dope._
They never see the left hook, that comes out of nowhere.

It is not a ladies fault, they must survive in this hog eat woman world.


_The Typist-_


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> 👏👏👏 👍👍👍 Let's hear it for the Barbarian!


Im going to agree in concept with @ConanHub here because it may be misconstrued, because in my other posts re porn I've always included the caveat I'm not pro/con on porn, it's up to the individual, and I haven't stated that here, yet, but here it is, I'm not pro/con, it's up to the individual.

Is it always wrong? No. Whether historic nudes, statues, or rin of the mill internet porn.

Is it always right, no, as well.

The best response is to remember this OP @confused16 's perspective related to porn use and masturbation and the tremendous difficulty of her making a decision to immediately divorce her H of 25 years or remain and work through what will be a solution that works for her circumstances that move the M through this tough time without immediately or slowly trashing the whole M.

As in looking for solutions in this M that may or may not be all about porn.

In all ltrs there are smooth times and rocky times but great Ms, re-centering always takes effort and viewing from multiple perspectives.

Of which OP is doing a wonderful job in showing she's trying to work on what can be worked on.

She's showing she's tough, but loving, kind but can be firm, knowing she may not have the answer yet but is confident she'll get there and I believe she will.

In whatever form the answer will be, for her and H, she's thinking it through.


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## Impulse (Jun 10, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Yes he is.


Haha, I’m glad he’s also browsing pornhub then


----------



## Impulse (Jun 10, 2020)

Ms. Hawaii said:


> Porn causes self-esteem issues to *some* women.
> 
> I’m a woman,and I’m not bothered by porn. I don’t care if my SO watches porn.
> 
> ...


Lying is (usually) not ok. I wanted to know why or how he came up with the ‘no porn’ rule in the first place and haven’t heard an answer yet.


----------



## Ms. Hawaii (Mar 28, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> @Ms. Hawaii
> 
> It's likely initi4ally he felt trapped, had to go with most guys response, as in you're right dear, I'll stop.
> 
> ...


How can he feel trapped when it was his idea? 

A stand against what? According to OP (correct me if I’m wrong), he didn’t want her to watch porn, so they agreed not to watch it. 

He’s the one who has an issue with porn, yet he’s victim?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Impulse (Jun 10, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> Sexual misbehavior, porn use, etc. is not a male centric sin.
> 
> This goes for all the guys here in the good old boys club about porn use as well. You guys sound ridiculous trying to defend the use of porn as some basic male pastime.


We make our own porn, thank you very much! 



ConanHub said:


> As women feel safer, more empowered and entitled, they are making many of the same choices men have made including using porn.
> 
> Porn for women is a rapidly growing industry.
> 
> I know what you might have been trying to imply but you said it very wrong and women are not separate or so much more moral than men here.


Has anyone actually seen what the porn landscape currently looks like? People basically mostly upload their own porn. Some get paid for it, some do it because they enjoy it. ‘Getting forced’ making porn is really a thing of the past, if that even was such a widespread thing at all.

My view is this: if nobody is suffering or gets hurt and everything is consensual, what’s the big deal with porn? Plus, if one has a great sex life, and there are a ton of miserable people/couples out there who would dream of being in your shoes, what’s wrong with spreading a bit of love and sharing it, knowing that it would make someone’s life better? Some people make art or cookies or whatever, some people make porn. It’s kind of a supply and demand thing. Ok now I sound like some kind of pimp..But you know what I mean 

I think Diana means her lectures well...and I personally don’t mind if she judges me. One day I am sure I will manage to get her & her amazing husband interested in porn, to spice things up a bit. Can’t be fun, when everything is so proper and perfect all the time


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## confused16 (Nov 25, 2020)

Ms. Hawaii said:


> How can he feel trapped when it was his idea?
> 
> A stand against what? According to OP (correct me if I’m wrong), he didn’t want her to watch porn, so they agreed not to watch it.
> 
> ...


After a rough patch, it was simply a marital promise. Neither of us liked the idea of watching it separately. This was a long time ago. He's not a victim. He broke the promise and then lied.


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## Ms. Hawaii (Mar 28, 2018)

Impulse said:


> Lying is (usually) not ok. I wanted to know why or how he came up with the ‘no porn’ rule in the first place and haven’t heard an answer yet.


I’m not trying to single you out. 

A lot of the male posters, except for Conan, are making excuses for the husband. Lying about his porn usage is wrong. He should not have lied about it. I don’t think it matters why or how he came up with the no porn rule. The fact of the matter is that he did. He made a promise, broke it and lied about it. 

Btw I’m not advocating for divorce. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Impulse (Jun 10, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Only a man could not understand how porn so deeply hurts many women.


I did not say I didn’t understand it, I say that in many instances, this hurt can be self-inflicted.


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## Impulse (Jun 10, 2020)

confused16 said:


> After a rough patch, it was simply a marital promise. Neither of us liked the idea of watching it separately. This was a long time ago. He's not a victim. He broke the promise and then lied.


The ‘never watching porn separately’ was one of marital vows you both made 25 years ago? Can I ask (again) how or why this came about? In the first place? Did something happen?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Impulse said:


> The ‘never watching porn separately’ was one of marital vows you both made 25 years ago? Can I ask (again) how or why this came about? In the first place? Did something happen?


You can ask but she is under no obligation to answer. Her husband made a promise, broke it and lied about it. End of story. Even Sigmund was able to pull his head out of his ass on occasion and admit that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

It's curious how many guys on here think honesty and trust are situational.


----------



## confused16 (Nov 25, 2020)

Impulse said:


> The ‘never watching porn separately’ was one of marital vows you both made 25 years ago? Can I ask (again) how or why this came about? In the first place? Did something happen?


lol who said vow and who said 25 years ago? I said marital promise and I said a long time ago...like 8-10 years. We as a couple had mild porn issues. Separately.


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## confused16 (Nov 25, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> You can ask but she is under no obligation to answer. Her husband made a promise, broke it and lied about it. End of story. Even Sigmund was able to pull his head out of his ass on occasion and admit that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
> 
> It's curious how many guys on here think honesty and trust are situational.


@Blondilocks I really like you!!


----------



## Impulse (Jun 10, 2020)

Ms. Hawaii said:


> I don’t think it matters why or how he came up with the no porn rule. The fact of the matter is that he did. He made a promise, broke it and lied about it.


I am just curious. It doesn’t seem to me like one of the more common marriage vows one would normally hear at a wedding. At least in my experience.

I, Mr Jerkinson, take you to be my wife to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part ladidadida. And btw, let’s also promise to never watch porn. Separately.

I would expect there to be some kind of back story to this, no?...Maybe their dog died because they watched too much porn separately in the past; maybe an airplane crashed into their house when porn was on. I mean, it’s always useful to try and gather as much info as possible in order not to sound completely stupid with advice...


----------



## confused16 (Nov 25, 2020)

Impulse said:


> I am just curious. It doesn’t seem to me like one of the more common marriage vows one would normally hear at a wedding. At least in my experience.
> 
> I, Mr Jerkinson, take you to be my wife to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part ladidadida. And btw, let’s also promise to never watch porn. Separately.
> 
> I would expect there to be some kind of back story to this, no?...Maybe their dog died because they watched too much porn separately in the past; maybe an airplane crashed into their house when porn was on. I mean, it’s always useful to try and gather as much info as possible in order not to sound completely stupid with advice...


yes, you nailed it! 👏👏🙄


----------



## Impulse (Jun 10, 2020)

confused16 said:


> @Blondilocks I really like you!!


I know, the ladies are very good to each other here...
just like in the ‘Golden Girls Gone Wild’ movies  (sorry, I promise, last joke).
I route for you guys...


----------



## Impulse (Jun 10, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> It's curious how many guys on here think honesty and trust are situational.


It’s not. But life situations themselves can be fluid and sometimes you have to chose the hill to die on...

Shall we come up with some sort of punishment for him now that we have established that he is a man and broke his porn promise by making himself very horny for his wife so that she can have regular & mind blowing sex?


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

confused16 said:


> 25 years of marriage 2-3 a week and it is NOT your average sex.


The dishonesty your husband has shown you is woeful behaviour. Then to top it off, he doubles down on it more, by insisting he will stop it again. When it is extremely likely he knows he will choose to view it again.

If he were sensible he would own his behaviour and wants. By telling you he was foolish to make such a promise, and that from now on he won't deny or hide the fact he views pornography. While likewise being okay with you viewing the same.

If he is unwilling to own what he does honestly and stand his ground, you have a big problem. On the other hand if he does own it and stands for it, this can be repaired.

So it's up to both of you to resolve, if you don't care about the pornography, then you would do well to tell him that while reminding him that it is dishonesty which destroys relationships. That said if he doubles down even more following such a discussion, then he is evidently unwilling to be honest with you which does not bode well for a healthy relationship.

In closing frequency may be an issue to consider as well, since it may contribute to his desire to use pornography more often, as an alternative to seeking sex with other women outside of your marriage. Since there are plenty of men (myself included), who consider sharing sex at 2-3x a week in a marital relationship to be insufficient.

For example at 49 I enjoy sex with my wife who is 50, at a frequency of 4-6x a week and often 7-9x a week.Yet given my libido as it stands I would have no hesitation in seeking sex with others outside of my marriage. If our sex frequency remained at 3x a week or below that as a new norm.


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## confused16 (Nov 25, 2020)

Personal said:


> The dishonesty your husband has shown you is woeful behaviour. Then to top it off, he doubles down on it more, by insisting he will stop it again. When it is extremely likely he knows he will choose to view it again.
> 
> If he were sensible he would own his behaviour and wants. By telling you he was foolish to make such a promise, and that from now on he won't deny or hide the fact he views pornography. While likewise being okay with you viewing the same.
> 
> ...


congrats?


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## confused16 (Nov 25, 2020)

Personal said:


> Are you sure you are sharing enough sex with your husband to keep him satisfied?


No, what is the scientific number and duration and number of times per night? I've got to have this data!!!!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Impulse said:


> We make our own porn, thank you very much!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I had a feeling about you and now I'm fairly certain. Should have kept low profile.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> I had a feeling about you and now I'm fairly certain. Should have kept *low profile.*


Couldn't resist.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

@confused16 

Just as a BTW, Mrs. Conan and I decided the same thing about porn pretty early in our relationship.

I used porn a lot when I met her and she even watched some with me at the beginning but we both decided we didn't want it to be part of our marriage.

I slipped up a couple times in nearly 30 years but it was sporadic and usually accompanying life altering circumstances and once was when I was contracting for work and away from her for months.

We got through it and started sending our own sexy pictures while we were apart.

Just letting you know that your situation isn't unique. I don't think I ever had as much of an attachment to it as your husband but my marriage had some similar stuff and we worked through it.

Pulling for the health of your marriage and you individually as well.

Conan.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Impulse said:


> I did not say I didn’t understand it, I say that in many instances, this hurt can be self-inflicted.


It inflicted by the porn use.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Impulse said:


> I am just curious. It doesn’t seem to me like one of the more common marriage vows one would normally hear at a wedding. At least in my experience.
> 
> I, Mr Jerkinson, take you to be my wife to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part ladidadida. And btw, let’s also promise to never watch porn. Separately.
> 
> I would expect there to be some kind of back story to this, no?...Maybe their dog died because they watched too much porn separately in the past; maybe an airplane crashed into their house when porn was on. I mean, it’s always useful to try and gather as much info as possible in order not to sound completely stupid with advice...


Porn use is covered under the promises to be faithful.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ms. Hawaii said:


> I’m not trying to single you out.
> 
> A lot of the male posters, except for Conan, are making excuses for the husband. Lying about his porn usage is wrong. He should not have lied about it. I don’t think it matters why or how he came up with the no porn rule. The fact of the matter is that he did. He made a promise, broke it and lied about it.
> 
> ...


Men who watch porn will always defend a man who watches porn.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Women who have been mistreated by a man in the past, seem to blame every man alive for their pain, also.
And they also seem to get some weird happiness out of seeing other men’s marriages fail.

This guy has been a damn good husband by hus other than his crappy porn thing. And he has tried to keep it to himself and not hurt his wife by it. She CAUGHT him. Some may feel this is cheating. I don’t agree.
It may be gross, it is definitely not a good thing, I do agree that it is the cause all the time of mental problems regarding sexual desire in men for their wives, and do think it would be best if porn didn’t exist.

But I think in this case, this guy’s wife and lots of posters here are making a mountain of a mole hill.

OP, you have a 99% good marriage. Don’t throw it away because the guy has an imperfection that can be dealt with, that he’s willing to deal with. He’s got a weakness. Everyone has some problem. I think you’ll find if you divorce him, that his bad quality is not nearly as bad as a whole lot of other guys’ bad qualities. And he has one quality you may agree on—- he loves you. Hard to find!


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

This is a very difficult one. Seems like a problem I would want to work with to try to manage or eliminate, if the spouse is as wonderful as you say. Clearly he loves you and his family, and he has faltered on a weakness, I hope he is seeing a sex therapist and that you can be active in that recovery plan. I feel your family has a lot of hope for success. I wish you the absolute best!!!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

..............


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> ..............


Spit it out, girl. You know you want to.


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## damo7 (Jul 16, 2020)

So when there is a sex scene on TV you have a problem too? You make him leave the room? lol Porn isn't cheating, it's literally a masturbation tool. Do you tell him he can't masturbate too? "Sorry hun I know it's perfectly normal and your body and all, but I forbid you touching yourself."
I don't understand women with a problem with porn, there is no interaction with anyone else, I find it controlling behaviour.
My partner has no problem with me watching porn. I wouldn't waste my time dating anyone that did. It's a ridiculous thing to rock the boat over, when there are far bigger things out there to have a problem with.
I can imagine some40 something post wall solo mother lamenting her lost dreams: "I had the perfect husband, great father, good job, truly loved me, and I traded it in for countless pump and dumps and 5 cats because I didn't like that he watched porn"
Sorry to tell you this, but most men(unless you're into religious types) watch porn.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

damo7 said:


> So when there is a sex scene on TV you have a problem too? You make him leave the room? lol Porn isn't cheating, it's literally a masturbation tool. Do you tell him he can't masturbate too? "Sorry hun I know it's perfectly normal and your body and all, but I forbid you touching yourself."
> I don't understand women with a problem with porn, there is no interaction with anyone else, I find it controlling behaviour.
> My partner has no problem with me watching porn. I wouldn't waste my time dating anyone that did. It's a ridiculous thing to rock the boat over, when there are far bigger things out there to have a problem with.
> I can imagine some40 something post wall solo mother lamenting her lost dreams: "I had the perfect husband, great father, good job, truly loved me, and I traded it in for countless pump and dumps and 5 cats because I didn't like that he watched porn"
> Sorry to tell you this, but most men(unless you're into religious types) watch porn.


There's a difference between watching a sex scene on TV and watching porn-- getting aroused to and getting off to-- women--- not your wife. 

And many women who are put off by their partner's porn use are put off by the porn part, not the masturbation part.

Stop generalizing and saying things are the same that aren't.


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## Deepinthehearta (Jul 25, 2020)

The 4 deal breakers: Abuse (beating), Adultery, Abandonment, Addiction (drugs or alcohol). These 4 are the only reasons I think that justify divorce or separation, because they put you in danger or they fundamentally break the marriage vows. Every think else can be worked around or compromised. Yes, lying about porn is bad. I would urge you to weigh against that, is he a good provider? Is he otherwise a good husband and father? Weigh the good against the bad and then decide. Decide what you can tolerate, and what you cannot. Some people think veiwing porn is as bad as adultery, but I think that is ridiculous. Your husband clearly is not a saint. He has issues, but do you think it is just or prudent to throw out a marriage based on this one character flaw? Does it cancel out all the good times you have had up to now? Does it cancel out all the good things he may have done over the years? Again, this in a decision only you can make, but I urge you think carefully and not react emotionally based on hurt feelings. Try to be objective and weigh the good against the bad. God bless.


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## salparadise (Sep 13, 2016)

It’s hard for me to fathom that you’d leaving an otherwise great marriage because you caught him masturbating and/or watching porn. If he was doing that instead of sexing you it would be an actual problem. As it is though it’s just irrational jealousy.

Yea, I know you made him promise... which is pretty sad. It’s not a reasonable expectation. Adjustments are in order, but not the ones you assume.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

salparadise said:


> It’s hard for me to fathom that you’d leaving an otherwise great marriage because you caught him masturbating and/or watching porn. If he was doing that instead of sexing you it would be an actual problem. As it is though it’s just irrational jealousy.
> 
> Yea, I know you made him promise... which is pretty sad. It’s not a reasonable expectation. Adjustments are in order, but not the ones you assume.


She didn't make him promise. Read the thread.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

salparadise said:


> It’s hard for me to fathom that you’d leaving an otherwise great marriage because you caught him masturbating and/or watching porn. If he was doing that instead of sexing you it would be an actual problem. As it is though it’s just irrational jealousy.
> 
> Yea, I know you made him promise... which is pretty sad. It’s not a reasonable expectation. Adjustments are in order, but not the ones you assume.


Its not 'irrational jealousy' not to want your partner who promised to be faithful lusting and masturbating after countless other women in porn. And no she didnt make him promise.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Deepinthehearta said:


> The 4 deal breakers: Abuse (beating), Adultery, Abandonment, Addiction (drugs or alcohol). These 4 are the only reasons I think that justify divorce or separation, because they put you in danger or they fundamentally break the marriage vows. Every think else can be worked around or compromised. Yes, lying about porn is bad. I would urge you to weigh against that, is he a good provider? Is he otherwise a good husband and father? Weigh the good against the bad and then decide. Decide what you can tolerate, and what you cannot. Some people think veiwing porn is as bad as adultery, but I think that is ridiculous. Your husband clearly is not a saint. He has issues, but do you think it is just or prudent to throw out a marriage based on this one character flaw? Does it cancel out all the good times you have had up to now? Does it cancel out all the good things he may have done over the years? Again, this in a decision only you can make, but I urge you think carefully and not react emotionally based on hurt feelings. Try to be objective and weigh the good against the bad. God bless.


I would add long term porn use to that list. Its not being faithful, its not being respectful and its not being loving. It ruins lives and ruins marriages. It ruins peoples sex lives and stops many from being able to have normal healthy sexual relationships.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

damo7 said:


> So when there is a sex scene on TV you have a problem too? You make him leave the room? lol Porn isn't cheating, it's literally a masturbation tool. Do you tell him he can't masturbate too? "Sorry hun I know it's perfectly normal and your body and all, but I forbid you touching yourself."
> I don't understand women with a problem with porn, there is no interaction with anyone else, I find it controlling behaviour.
> My partner has no problem with me watching porn. I wouldn't waste my time dating anyone that did. It's a ridiculous thing to rock the boat over, when there are far bigger things out there to have a problem with.
> I can imagine some40 something post wall solo mother lamenting her lost dreams: "I had the perfect husband, great father, good job, truly loved me, and I traded it in for countless pump and dumps and 5 cats because I didn't like that he watched porn"
> Sorry to tell you this, but most men(unless you're into religious types) watch porn.


Of course there is interaction with another person, in your mind. The mind is a very powerful thing. If you are masturbating as well, then your body is clearly very involved.
You assume most men watch porn because you do, so if most men jump off a cliff, you would do the same? I am just thankful that many men dont watch porn and understand what faithfullness means. Not all of them are religious either. 
In case you didnt know, you can masturbate without porn, how do you think people have managed in past centuries?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Women who have been mistreated by a man in the past, seem to blame every man alive for their pain, also.
> And they also seem to get some weird happiness out of seeing other men’s marriages fail.
> 
> This guy has been a damn good husband by hus other than his crappy porn thing. And he has tried to keep it to himself and not hurt his wife by it. She CAUGHT him. Some may feel this is cheating. I don’t agree.
> ...


Weirdly I have noticed that far more with the men here when a wife hasnt acted well. Divorce they say. 
If he loves her, then it shouldnt be hard to stop doing something that is hurting her and that risks the marriage.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> how do you think people have managed in past centuries?


Do I need to draw you a picture, and have you heard of this new fangled invention called the printing press?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink


It wasn’t a big deal to me when I was married. But it was a big deal to her.




www.huffpost.com





This is another thread that could benefit from this article.

It doesn't matter what anyone thinks about what a good man he is except for his wife. 

The next time your spouse craps on your beloved 'treasure' just remember: no one else thinks that thing is such a treasure so get over yourself. Do you really think that attitude will help you?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Personal said:


> Do I need to draw you a picture, and have you heard of this new fangled invention called the printing press?


Come on now, countless people in the past didnt have porn, especially as graphic as there is today.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I clearly remember a very sad and hurting lady I knew in the past on another fourm whose husband used porn a lot. She said that she would have prefered that he had had one physical affair than be lusting and masturbating over thousands of women. She said 'at least then I would only have to compete with one woman and not thousands.' I find it so sad that she would allow him to treat her that way without eventually saying, enough.

I feel that most men would stop if they had to chose their marriage or porn, but sadly many women arent strong enough to mean what they say and stand up against it. The OP warned him last time that if it happened again she would leave, he has had years and years of knowing that it was hurting her and he knew the consequences if he carried on, but he carried on anyway.

For those who say well he is otherwise a decent man so she should put up with it, that could be said about anything. A physical affair, or drinking too much or hitting her occasionally. Many mass murderers were thought to be decent men by those who knew them. Its a silly thing to say.
I just dont get how anyone could claim to love their spouse while carrying on hurting them day after day, week after week and year after year. Thats not love, words are easy, actions are not.


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## salparadise (Sep 13, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Its not 'irrational jealousy' not to want your partner who promised to be faithful lusting and masturbating after countless other women in porn.


I know religious puritans aren’t going to change their minds, but this is thought police level craziness. Nobody restricts their imagination to one erotic fantasy for a lifetime. They couldn’t even if they wanted to. Sex scenes in movies, magazine ads, billboards, and real live women running around wearing tight pants and lipstick... y’all were born in the wrong millennium. I don’t know how you hold it together as well as you do.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

salparadise said:


> I know religious puritans aren’t going to change their minds, but this is thought police level craziness. Nobody restricts their imagination to one erotic fantasy for a lifetime. They couldn’t even if they wanted to. Sex scenes in movies, magazine ads, billboards, and real live women running around wearing tight pants and lipstick... y’all were born in the wrong millennium. I don’t know how you hold it together as well as you do.


You cant avoid seeing what is around you, but you can avoid deliberately searching it out. You can also avoid films that have sex scenes in them. Its really not that that hard if you are determined. 
BTW we arent 'religious puritans' we are just normal people who happen to follow Jesus.We just believe that faithful sex in marriage is the way to go, and we dont include others in that through porn. There are also people who arent of any faith who don't watch porn. Even if I wasnt a Christian I wouldnt watch it for many reasons. I love and respect my husband far too much for a start. I dont want to fill my mind with things that arent helpful or positive for another. I know porn use causes such damage in peoples lives, and many in porn films are damaged people, often abused, other peoples daughters, mothers, sisters, grandaughters who need respect not to be taken advantage of or ogled over. .


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## salparadise (Sep 13, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> we arent 'religious puritans' we are just normal people who happen to follow Jesus.We just believe that faithful sex in marriage is the way to go, and we dont include others in that through porn.


I guess that (whether you qualify as puritan) would be a judgement call, but this degree of obsession certainly isn't mainstream even for religious people. I still think it's obsessive, irrational jealousy over imaginary things, and when you include movies with sex scenes (as you just did) it pretty much confirms the nature and degree of obsession.



> There are also people who arent of any faith who don't watch porn.


Sure, there are nonreligious people who don't have sex, who aren't even attracted to anyone sexually. We also have (soon to be history) a president that cavorts with porn starts and prostitutes. None of these random data points make your argument any more convincing. You are way, way out on the fringes when it comes to how people behave in modern society.

Of course you're entitled to your own views, but when it comes to restricting other people's thoughts (and normal bodily functions), even if you're married, it's considered pretty far out there. Thought control is nuts. And, in case you haven't realized it yet... terribly futile. I can't imagine running around being hung up about my spouse's potential thoughts if he catches a glimpse of a sexy woman walking down the street. Have you considered opening a burka store on 5th Avenue? Probably a ton of pent up demand.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

salparadise said:


> I know religious puritans aren’t going to change their minds, but this is thought police level craziness. Nobody restricts their imagination to one erotic fantasy for a lifetime. They couldn’t even if they wanted to. Sex scenes in movies, magazine ads, billboards, and real live women running around wearing tight pants and lipstick... y’all were born in the wrong millennium. I don’t know how you hold it together as well as you do.


Guess what? I'm an atheist. So, not religious, not a Puritan.

And I'm certainly not prudish, repressed, non sexual, etc.

I'm getting that you are someone who is so stuck in your SMALL MINDSET that you don't understand the vast difference between: sexual situations that occur in everyday life, such as the "tight panted and lipsticked up women" running around in real life you reference, as well as sex in different kinds of mass media, and a person's own thoughts, versus deliberately cueing up porn of individuals ****ing, and pulling out your ****, getting aroused, and getting off to it.

it's actually the reverse of what you tried, and failed, to slam people about. I know women who would rather their partner use their imagination while masturbating instead of consuming porn.


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## Real malaysian (Nov 27, 2020)

salparadise said:


> I guess that (whether you qualify as puritan) would be a judgement call, but this degree of obsession certainly isn't mainstream even for religious people. I still think it's obsessive, irrational jealousy over imaginary things, and when you include movies with sex scenes (as you just did) it pretty much confirms the nature and degree of obsession.
> 
> 
> Sure, there are nonreligious people who don't have sex, who aren't even attracted to anyone sexually. We also have (soon to be history) a president that cavorts with porn starts and prostitutes. None of these random data points make your argument any more convincing. You are way, way out on the fringes when it comes to how people behave in modern society.
> ...


This realll big issue

thats whyyy , when some women look arround “porn” that’s not prob come from the weird thing ...... basically that’s normal ,,,,,,,,,

my advice, handle as best u can, just do the things you want but be smart as u want rite,,,,

dearrrrr, just do, n smart as u can,,,,,,, ”1 reasons is at least yr self get the happiness u want”

be reallllllll

for me , my advice not just wanna go to “hypocrisy rite”, my words standing as real human being quoted.....



opppssss hi to be my frend,,,,,, it’s me,,,,,,, real word as best we are.....


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I'm sure glad this thread* isn't* about Diana7. Let's focus on the OP who (for the hundredth time) *doesn't *have a problem with porn. It's the_ lying,_ ththththat's all folks.

If he were repeatedly lying about how many snickerdoodles he ate or any other non-consequential thing, the problem would still be the same - LYING!!! 

Lying to your spouse <listen very carefully> is DISRESPECTFUL to your spouse. It shouts "I don't love, honor or cherish you".


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Weirdly I have noticed that far more with the men here when a wife hasnt acted well. Divorce they say.
> If he loves her, then it shouldnt be hard to stop doing something that is hurting her and that risks the marriage.


I’m sure it’s true of both. Women think a man watching porn is cheating and hurtful and they have all these women in their heads. I honestly couldn’t name a porn star, never cared who they were, but I did like looking at hot bodies. It’s a rare occasion that I look at the crap, and I’m single. But I looked about as much when I was married and it had zero affect on my feelings for my wife, nor did it cause me to not be attracted to her. 
hiwever, I agree it’s wrong, it’s trashy, it’s unhealthy, and it certainly hurts a man’s wife to do it.

I think OP’s husband needs to wise up and stop, but if he has a weak moment and is asked about it, tell the truth.

if his wife keeps asking constantly, she’s acting stupidly. And I do believe she is thought policing if she does. This doesn’t sound like a bad guy to me. He actually sounds like a man who loves his wife but just has a weakness, and it’s a weakness that hasn’t caused any huge problems if you get right down to it. She can’t help it, but she is being jealous over nothing. Jmo


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

salparadise said:


> I guess that (whether you qualify as puritan) would be a judgement call, but this degree of obsession certainly isn't mainstream even for religious people. I still think it's obsessive, irrational jealousy over imaginary things, and when you include movies with sex scenes (as you just did) it pretty much confirms the nature and degree of obsession.
> 
> 
> Sure, there are nonreligious people who don't have sex, who aren't even attracted to anyone sexually. We also have (soon to be history) a president that cavorts with porn starts and prostitutes. None of these random data points make your argument any more convincing. You are way, way out on the fringes when it comes to how people behave in modern society.
> ...


Ahhh the burka mention, how original.

In our marriage my husband was a man who had strong moral values when we met and still has. That was one of the things that made me fall in love with him. His boundaries of what he watches and sees are his and mine are mine. As it happens he is even more strict than I am about these things and I love and respect him for it. We each have our own 'thought control' if you want to use that weird term. As it happens, I spend absoluely no time at all worrying about him seeing a sexy woman in the street, why should I? He is the one who decides for himself what he thinks and sees and looks at. 
No we arent on the fringes, there are countless people who know and understand that porn is really damaging for those who watch it, for their spouses and for their marriages. Also for those who get caught up in making it, many of whom are damaged people. Even if we were in the fringes, great, its good to go against the flow of what the majority says and does when it applies to something that is so very damaging and negative.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> I'm sure glad this thread* isn't* about Diana7. Let's focus on the OP who (for the hundredth time) *doesn't *have a problem with porn. It's the_ lying,_ ththththat's all folks.
> 
> If he were repeatedly lying about how many snickerdoodles he ate or any other non-consequential thing, the problem would still be the same - LYING!!!
> 
> Lying to your spouse <listen very carefully> is DISRESPECTFUL to your spouse. It shouts "I don't love, honor or cherish you".


I agree with you!!!!!? 
I know people in their 50’s who lie about smoking cigarettes to their parents. theyre embarrassed. They know the cigarettes are unhealthy, but they’re addicted. Same with this guy. What’s she gonna do? Divorce him over this? Well I can say with 99% certitude that she’ll throwing the baby out with the bath water if she does.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> I’m sure it’s true of both. Women think a man watching porn is cheating and hurtful and they have all these women in their heads. I honestly couldn’t name a porn star, never cared who they were, but I did like looking at hot bodies. It’s a rare occasion that I look at the crap, and I’m single. But I looked about as much when I was married and it had zero affect on my feelings for my wife, nor did it cause me to not be attracted to her.
> hiwever, I agree it’s wrong, it’s trashy, it’s unhealthy, and it certainly hurts a man’s wife to do it.
> 
> I think OP’s husband needs to wise up and stop, but if he has a weak moment and is asked about it, tell the truth.
> ...


She is rightly being jealous of him watching countless women in porn. She is his wife, if he cant even be bothered to stop something that deeply hurts her and tell the truth, what does that say about him? Its a form of unfaithfullness, of course many spouses dont like it. 
You say it hurts a man's wife to do it but then say she is being jealous over nothing. Its not over nothing, its countless women her husband watches in porn. 
Men do retain images in their head, not names but the bodies and the acts. I have heard men who gave up porn say that they just cant get rid of the countless images even thought they want to. I just dont get why anyone would want to full their minds in that way.
Its good that at least you see that its wrong and hurtful.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> I agree with you!!!!!?
> I know people in their 50’s who lie about smoking cigarettes to their parents. theyre embarrassed. They know the cigarettes are unhealthy, but they’re addicted. Same with this guy. What’s she gonna do? Divorce him over this? Well I can say with 99% certitude that *she’ll throwing the baby out with the bath water if she does.
> *



Maybe she doesn't want to be married to a baby anymore. Ever think about that?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> I agree with you!!!!!?
> I know people in their 50’s who lie about smoking cigarettes to their parents. theyre embarrassed. They know the cigarettes are unhealthy, but they’re addicted. Same with this guy. What’s she gonna do? Divorce him over this? Well I can say with 99% certitude that she’ll throwing the baby out with the bath water if she does.


Maybe the important thing is what is HE going to do. Does he stop the lies and stop the porn because he knows and understands that it hurts his wife knowing that he may loose her over it, or does he carry on and hurt her more and ultimately end up divorced. The ball is in his court. Its not for her to have to put up with something that deeply hurts her and that is fast eroding her trust, its for him to act in a loving and respecful way and stop.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> I'm sure glad this thread* isn't* about Diana7. Let's focus on the OP who (for the hundredth time) *doesn't *have a problem with porn. It's the_ lying,_ ththththat's all folks.
> 
> If he were repeatedly lying about how many snickerdoodles he ate or any other non-consequential thing, the problem would still be the same - LYING!!!
> 
> Lying to your spouse <listen very carefully> is DISRESPECTFUL to your spouse. It shouts "I don't love, honor or cherish you".


I am glad too. 

However if she was ok with him watching porn they wouldnt have both agreed not to.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’m not arguing that it’s hurtful and he should stop.
Ask yourself this: Do you really think this guy doesn’t love his wife? Is he intentionally harming her?
Do you think she will be happier divorced from this man? How much does she love him if she can’t forgive something that is not earth shattering important?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Maybe the important thing is what is HE going to do. Does he stop the lies and stop the porn because he knows and understands that it hurts his wife even though he may loose her over it, or does he carry on and hurt her more and ultimately end up divorced. The ball is in his court.


It’s only in his court if she’s not divorcing him over it . She says that she is. He thinks this.
I do feel sorry for the guy. I do feel sorry for her too. I hope he stops, and I hope they stay married.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

God, he must think you're pretty stupid to believe he doesn't masturbate to porn. That's literally ALL it's used for. 

Are your objections to porn along the lines of that it's cheating and you should be enough, or are they about that it's giving him unrealistic expectations, or are they about the exploitation of the women in porn? Because the latter is a dealbreaker for me. I want a guy who can understand that, and they're rare enough. I just don't like that attitude toward women. Likewise, I don't like what porn does to a guy's taste and expectations. And it's well known that porn addicts can get into such a rut of watching only the select scenarios that do it for them that they even sometimes fail to be able to just make love and enjoy it like normal couples do. 

I don't think any woman likes the feeling they are not enough. And then the conversation usually goes downhill when the man starts explaining it doesn't have anything to do with you. Yeah. Me liking to watch other women and masturbate doesn't have anything to do with you. I think that's the point, right? 

Is it worth the marriage? If you stay, it's just going to continue. Does he exhibit any other inappropriate behaviors as far as, for example, some people can't seem to speak without it having sexual innuendo, which is inappropriate around anyone except friends and can even get old with the spouse. Certainly bad around kids and the general public. Think about if this has permeated his behavior in other ways that will have an impact. 

And other than just leaving, can you think of anything that might make the situation worth it that you could negotiate? For example. you'll leave him alone to masturbate on Wednesday nights and he won't complain about you going out with your girlfriends? I mean, at least get something out of it if you're not ready to just walk on the marriage.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> I’m not arguing that it’s hurtful and he should stop.
> Ask yourself this: (a.) Do you really think this guy doesn’t love his wife? (b) Is he intentionally harming her?
> (c) Do you think she will be happier divorced from this man? (d) How much does she love him if she can’t forgive something that is not earth shattering important?


(a) This is impossible to answer.
(b) Yes
(c) No idea
(d) You don't consider it to be earth shattering important - just how effin arrogant can you be? Her heart is breaking and she's expected to prove her love by rugsweeping his behavior? 

This boys will be boys mentality has reached a new low.

They can get a divorce now. They can wait until he's had some counseling and see what that digs up. Or, she can tell him that she will alter her expectations of him and he will have to alter his expectations of her. And, then they can create a marriage that works for the both of them. 

It seems they had been attempting to create a truly intimate marriage by both forswearing porn and being honest with one another. One upheld the agreement and one didn't. Without the honesty, it is difficult to create an environment where both parties will feel safe and secure. No one wants to live with waiting for the next shoe to drop.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Geez, people just have the word 'porn' stuck in their brain.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> God, he must think you're pretty stupid to believe he doesn't masturbate to porn. That's literally ALL it's used for.


It’s just so awesome that we’ve been blessed with DownByTheRiver to speak for all men.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> (a) This is impossible to answer.
> (b) Yes
> (c) No idea
> (d) You don't consider it to be earth shattering important -* just how effin arrogant can you be? * Her heart is breaking and she's expected to prove her love by rugsweeping his behavior?
> ...


I suppose I can be pretty f’in arrogant....
But I’m just conversing about someone else’s life. I don’t see the arrogance here.

His behavior is def breaking her heart.
It’s like Dave Chappelle said, “I don’t condone it, but I understand it”.
I personally Admire you greatly for your perfection in all your doings. You have inspired me to do better myself.

Btw, did you notice the OP’s husband has gotten himself a counselor and seeks to honestly be trying. That should say something in his behalf. Yes, we all know he’s likely to fall back into his ways. But he’s trying. He seems regretful and realizes he’s hurting his wife. What more can he do?

Have a good weekend.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Diana7 is right about past centuries. And more importantly, if you look at past centuries, it shows you what porn does to men. In the Victorian era, men got a boner from seeing an exposed ankle or wrist and basically thought nearly all women were desirable. Now, the ante has been upped and now breasts and butts as inflated as a New Year's Day Garfield are hot. 

I remember as a child my dad had magazines in his nightstand. This was pre-Playboy. The pre-Playboy porn built a fantasy around a narrative and then used mostly cartoon drawings of disturbing things. Post WWII, the big fantasy depicted Nazis raping women. The men reading these magazines started getting that squirmy feeling from the fantasy of women being raped. They fell asleep that way. It wasn't harmless. Then mags like Playboy started coming out with real photos, some raunchier than others. They still had the stories though. 

Do you think looking at these exaggerated bodies doing unrealistic acts really doesn't make most guys want to see if they can do that for real? _Do you seriously think young men who have had a steady diet of porn aren't trying relentlessly to get your teenage daughter to bend over? _ Do you think girls who grow up knowing their dad was into porn (and they always know) aren't more likely to let boys use them for sex? You know, all those porn actresses are someone's daughter -- and sometimes they're someone's lost daughter who has been trafficked, but more often someone's daughter who had a sexual inappropriate father in the house. 

Except that porn exploits women, it is like any other thing. If it's chosen above being truthful with your spouse, if the person will compromise other aspects of his life for it, it's a problem. It's an unhealthy addiction if you choose it over your loved ones' welfare, which includes your children. 

How many people here have heard someone talk about or show porn at work or talked about it themselves? 

It's hard not to resent when your spouse is making you a lower priority than watching porn. It's disrespectful and shallow. It also shows lack of imagination. You know, it's perfectly possible to masturbate by just imagining. That's what people did for centuries.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

gr8ful1 said:


> It’s just so awesome that we’ve been blessed with DownByTheRiver to speak for all men.


And the lying and justifying begins.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> And the lying and justifying begins.


The lie is yours. You said men only look at porn to masturbate. I look at porn frequently. Homemade porn. I don’t do it to masturbate. I do it to spark arousal and then pursue my wife.

Put your broad brush down, if you can.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

gr8ful1 said:


> The lie is yours. You said men only look at porn to masturbate. I look at porn frequently. Homemade porn. I don’t do it to masturbate. I do it to spark arousal and then pursue my wife.
> 
> Put your broad brush down, if you can.


You really see a big difference in that huh?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

gr8ful1 said:


> The lie is yours. You said men only look at porn to masturbate. I look at porn frequently. Homemade porn. I don’t do it to masturbate. I do it to spark arousal and then pursue my wife.
> 
> Put your broad brush down, if you can.


Sooooo, you need to look at porn to spark desire so you can have sex with your wife?

And she's okay knowing how you have to get aroused in order to be with her?


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Sooooo, you need to look at porn to spark desire so you can have sex with your wife?


I’m looking at “us porn”, when I do it. My wife is passive an only wants me to pursue her - initiation is not her thing. Medications I’m forced to take are known libido killers. So I could just call it a day with our sex life or, I could do what I do where she enjoys being pursued and sexually enjoyed. Works for us.



> And she's okay knowing how you have to get aroused in order to be with her?


She has no problem with me looking at video of us together.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You really see a big difference in that huh?


You see NO difference in watching sexually video of us together (this is PORN) for the purpose of me pursuing her vs. just rubbing one out for self gratification?


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## Imperfections (Nov 26, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Sooooo, you need to look at porn to spark desire so you can have sex with your wife?
> 
> And she's okay knowing how you have to get aroused in order to be with her?


Some wives encourage it (especially with husbands that have erectile issues) as long as they bring it back to them.
It’s no good having even the most ‘moral’ husband with a snail in his pants most of the time. Just trying to widen the perspective.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

salparadise said:


> This is the most backward, puritanical bunch I’ve ever seen. Hundreds of posts in this topic... I wonder if this is what’s left after the more moderate folks grinned, turned and quietly walked away? I’m also wondering how many of these fine people are big on #45. Is this whole board this way?


Yep...a lot of them left. I’m still here with my own big ol’ fake boobs 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Puritanical bunch? 

Some, certainly not all.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Sooooo, you need to look at porn to spark desire so you can have sex with your wife?
> 
> And she's okay knowing how you have to get aroused in order to be with her?


I'm not understanding your problem with this. Should he order his wife to strip before and do some sexual stuff in order to build his desire to where he wants to join her? Instead he's off by himself, watching porn he made with his wife, enjoying himself and building his arousal and then he goes to chase his wife, expressing his desire for her, a desire he ramped up by watching porn they both made.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

LM,

Haven't you ever told your wife to strip?


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> LM,
> 
> Haven't you ever told your wife to strip?


Sometimes, mostly I kind of just grab her and take her to the bedroom. Sometimes over my shoulder. Then she pretends to object and pounds my back. She's got to work on the laughing and giggling when she pretends to be upset, ruins her act.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Lance Mannion said:


> Sometimes, mostly I kind of just grab her and take her to the bedroom. Sometimes over my shoulder. Then she pretends to object and pounds my back. She's got to work on the laughing and giggling when she pretends to be upset, ruins her act.


I better rush to the pass and block it before someone reads this and concludes that I'm raping my wife. If, by the time I drop her on the bed, and fool around with her a bit she slows me down and says she's really not in the mood, then we just have a bit of a laugh, a few gropes and caresses, maybe lay and talk or cuddle, and then go back to life. No, I'm not taking my wife anytime I please.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> It’s only in his court if she’s not divorcing him over it . She says that she is. He thinks this.
> I do feel sorry for the guy. I do feel sorry for her too. I hope he stops, and I hope they stay married.


He could at least stop and try and save the marriage.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> I’m not arguing that it’s hurtful and he should stop.
> Ask yourself this: Do you really think this guy doesn’t love his wife? Is he intentionally harming her?
> Do you think she will be happier divorced from this man? How much does she love him if she can’t forgive something that is not earth shattering important?


a)He clearly doesnt love her enough to stop the porn.
b)yes he is intentionally harming her.
c)If the porn and lies carry on yes. 
d)For her and for countless women it is extremely important. Lying also. Forgiving doesnt mean he can just carry on hurting her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Imperfections said:


> Some wives encourage it (especially with husbands that have erectile issues) as long as they bring it back to them.
> It’s no good having even the most ‘moral’ husband with a snail in his pants most of the time. Just trying to widen the perspective.


The thing is that in many mens minds who have just been looking at porn to arouse them, it wont be their wives they are thinking of when they have sex.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Puritanical bunch?
> 
> Some, certainly not all.


I didnt realise it was 'puritanical' to want to be faithful to your spouse in mind and body.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> The thing is that in many mens minds who have just been looking at porn to arouse them, it wont be their wives they are thinking of when they have sex.


I wouldn't be so sure of that though. As porn has progressed over time it went from the tame girly shot, showing some boob, hinting at bush, showing bush, showing full beaver, and up the ladder. Now there's all of the "money shot" the focus is on penetration, thrusting, pounding, blowing the load, and so on, the acts, not the woman receiving the act.

The husband doing is wife is probably going to be looking down and getting excited by the act of penetration rather than SOLELY looking upon his wife's face and finding pleasure in her reactions.

That said, some guys have their favorite porn "actresses" but I'm sure that lots of women find Brad Pitt dreamy too.


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## Imperfections (Nov 26, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> The thing is that in many mens minds who have just been looking at porn to arouse them, it wont be their wives they are thinking of when they have sex.


I can’t be certain but I would guess most men don’t watch porn because they are imagining having sex with those women. That’s too easy.

I would guess they watch it because the women in those videos are a lot more ‘eager’ to have sex than their wives and they probably imagine it’s their wives being eager having sex with them in those porn movies, rather than the other way around! Men find eagerness a lot more arousing than physical attributes...

Or they imagine various situations they could have sex with their wives (libraries, beaches, mountain tops, whatever), but can’t because he is ‘not allowed to’ or ‘if I let him do this, he will just keep asking for more’ etc.

(Would this realisation change anything for you? I doubt it).


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## Imperfections (Nov 26, 2020)

About eagerness: I never understood this: Why is it easier for a porn actress to pretend to be eager with a strange guy than for your own wife with her own husband?
Many guys seem to complain about this particular thing.
We actually ran a little experiment. Not that my wife is not eager but I asked her once to pretend more (than she usually does ), as a joke/experiment. She was overdoing it, deliberately, in an almost passive aggressive way. We both laughed a lot however the pathetic thing was that it made the sex a lot hotter, regardless of how stupid it was. We both came so quickly it was like we were 16 again. 
Moral of the story: a bit of acting/performing can sometimes go a long way...Still, I was disappointed in myself. I expected it would have been a turn off or made no difference but it wasn’t the case


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Lance Mannion said:


> I wouldn't be so sure of that though. As porn has progressed over time it went from the tame girly shot, showing some boob, hinting at bush, showing bush, showing full beaver, and up the ladder. Now there's all of the "money shot" the focus is on penetration, thrusting, pounding, blowing the load, and so on, the acts, not the woman receiving the act.
> 
> The husband doing is wife is probably going to be looking down and getting excited by the act of penetration rather than SOLELY looking upon his wife's face and finding pleasure in her reactions.
> 
> That said, some guys have their favorite porn "actresses" but I'm sure that lots of women find Brad Pitt dreamy too.


I dont think I put across what I meant very well, I meant that when they have sex with their wives those images are in their mind, not that they are thinking its the porn women they are haing sex with, although some may be. Well I used to think that Brad pitt was good looking, until he left his wife for that awful woman. Put me off him. Mind you I never think of him or any other man when I am having sex with my husband anyway.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Imperfections said:


> I can’t be certain but I would guess most men don’t watch porn because they are imagining having sex with those women. That’s too easy.
> 
> I would guess they watch it because the women in those videos are a lot more ‘eager’ to have sex than their wives and they probably imagine it’s their wives being eager having sex with them in those porn movies, rather than the other way around! Men find eagerness a lot more arousing than physical attributes...
> 
> ...


See my above post. I dont think I put across what I actually meant. 
The porn is acting so of course they seem eager. Many women in porn apparently actually hate sex, many are damaged, many were abused. 
Would it change anything for me? No because porn isnt something that either of us want in our marriage. There is nothing good or positive about it at all.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Lance Mannion said:


> That said, some guys have their favorite porn "actresses" but I'm sure that lots of women find Brad Pitt dreamy too.


Oh please. Finding Brad Pitt "dreamy" is in no way the same as having a favorite porn actress you watch ****--- and watch **** while you have an orgasm. 

You're not that simple....are you?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

gr8ful1 said:


> It’s just so awesome that we’ve been blessed with DownByTheRiver to speak for all men.


Oh, I'll second her opinion. Unless someone is doing "research" or getting worked up for or with their mate, it is absolutely a masturbating aid.

Any guy who is practicing watching it solo might go wiggy without popping the cork.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

gr8ful1 said:


> I’m looking at “us porn”, when I do it. My wife is passive an only wants me to pursue her - initiation is not her thing. Medications I’m forced to take are known libido killers. So I could just call it a day with our sex life or, I could do what I do where she enjoys being pursued and sexually enjoyed. Works for us.
> 
> 
> 
> She has no problem with me looking at video of us together.


Your situation is also far different than the average porn user. You are keeping all sex between you and your wife.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Your situation is also far different than the average porn user. You are keeping all sex between you and your wife.


I was responding to this:



DownByTheRiver said:


> God, he must think you're pretty stupid to believe he doesn't masturbate to porn. That's literally ALL it's used for.


She thinks the sole purpose of sexually explicit video is to masturbate. That’s not the case for me, therefore refuted.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

gr8ful1 said:


> I was responding to this:
> 
> 
> 
> She thinks the sole purpose of sexually explicit video is to masturbate. That’s not the case for me, therefore refuted.


LoL! I didn't get that she was referring to a situation like yours at all.

All you are doing is having sex with your wife and using videos of yourselves. That is all classified as fairly normal sexuality between man and wife and not what I was referring to as porn use at all.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I can also see where an artist who likes to paint nudes might watch porn. Of course, if they are painting women they might as well just look at the old Playboys with the Vargas drawings and get the same unrealistic female proportions.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> I dont think I put across what I meant very well, I meant that when they have sex with their wives those images are in their mind, not that they are thinking its the porn women they are haing sex with, although some may be. Well I used to think that Brad pitt was good looking, until he left his wife for that awful woman. Put me off him. Mind you I never think of him or any other man when I am having sex with my husband anyway.


I don't think this is what is going on. If I see a porn "money shot" clip and this gets my engine revving and I grab my wife and we got hot and heavy, I'm not thinking of the "money shots" I saw, I'm wanting to make my own "money shots" with my wife, and with my eyes as my camera, look upon the "money shots" we're creating at that moment. The porn is long forgotten. It's my wife's legs in the air, it's her ankles pinned near her ears, it's her on all fours, its her face, with lust written all over it, looking at my eyes, this is the raw sexual visual imagery that excites my hind brain. 

Porn is not romance, it's sexual exercise. Marriage has room for both deep meaningful, romantic sexual union and for raw, passionate, energetic, frantic sex. Porn can be a method of kick-starting that energetic sex. It gets the guy's mind focused on that, not really on the woman or her sexual organs.

I really don't see this "other woman" substitution effect that so many women are upset about. I do though see how the intellectual model women use can seem valid. That model, if applied to men, would have men upset about their wives reading Harlequin romance novels and watching the movie "Dirty Dancing" because the husbands would fear that their wives are substituting the romance novel hero or Patrick Swayze for them. What I see instead is husband's happy that their wives are in the mood after watching Johnny and Baby practice their lifts in the lake.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Lance Mannion said:


> I don't think this is what is going on. If I see a porn "money shot" clip and this gets my engine revving and I grab my wife and we got hot and heavy, I'm not thinking of the "money shots" I saw, I'm wanting to make my own "money shots" with my wife, and with my eyes as my camera, look upon the "money shots" we're creating at that moment. The porn is long forgotten. It's my wife's legs in the air, it's her ankles pinned near her ears, it's her on all fours, its her face, with lust written all over it, looking at my eyes, this is the raw sexual visual imagery that excites my hind brain.
> 
> Porn is not romance, it's sexual exercise. Marriage has room for both deep meaningful, romantic sexual union and for raw, passionate, energetic, frantic sex. Porn can be a method of kick-starting that energetic sex. It gets the guy's mind focused on that, not really on the woman or her sexual organs.
> 
> I really don't see this "other woman" substitution effect that so many women are upset about. I do though see how the intellectual model women use can seem valid. That model, if applied to men, would have men upset about their wives reading Harlequin romance novels and watching the movie "Dirty Dancing" because the husbands would fear that their wives are substituting the romance novel hero or Patrick Swayze for them. What I see instead is husband's happy that their wives are in the mood after watching Johnny and Baby practice their lifts in the lake.


The thing is, those romance novels are exactly what they’re wishing their husbands were like, and they’re just as unreasonable expectations as a man would have if he compared his wife to a porn star—- if he did that....I don’t believe men do, hope women
Don’t. But starting to Suspect...


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> The thing is, those romance novels are exactly what they’re wishing their husbands were like, and they’re just as unreasonable expectations as a man would have if he compared his wife to a porn star—- if he did that....I don’t believe men do, hope women
> Don’t. But starting to Suspect...


I agree with this. Porn and romance novels should not be used as the yardstick by which we measure our spouses.


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## Deepinthehearta (Jul 25, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> I would add long term porn use to that list. Its not being faithful, its not being respectful and its not being loving. It ruins lives and ruins marriages. It ruins peoples sex lives and stops many from being able to have normal healthy sexual relationships.


If all that comes to pass, then the reasons why do not matter.


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## Deepinthehearta (Jul 25, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Its not 'irrational jealousy' not to want your partner who promised to be faithful lusting and masturbating after countless other women in porn. And no she didnt make him promise.


Diana, you seem to want to come down pretty hard on men who use porn. Granted, its a character weakness. What about women who read romance novels? Or are addicted to social media? Or deny their husbands sex because they are tired? Or unwed mother? I'd be willing to wager that you think most of those people deserve compassion and understanding. So, why not some compassion and understanding for men who struggle with this habit? All I am hearing from you is condemnation.


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## Imperfections (Nov 26, 2020)

Lance Mannion said:


> I don't think this is what is going on. If I see a porn "money shot" clip and this gets my engine revving and I grab my wife and we got hot and heavy, I'm not thinking of the "money shots" I saw, I'm wanting to make my own "money shots" with my wife, and with my eyes as my camera, look upon the "money shots" we're creating at that moment. The porn is long forgotten. It's my wife's legs in the air, it's her ankles pinned near her ears, it's her on all fours, its her face, with lust written all over it, looking at my eyes, this is the raw sexual visual imagery that excites my hind brain.
> 
> Porn is not romance, it's sexual exercise. Marriage has room for both deep meaningful, romantic sexual union and for raw, passionate, energetic, frantic sex. Porn can be a method of kick-starting that energetic sex. It gets the guy's mind focused on that, not really on the woman or her sexual organs.
> 
> I really don't see this "other woman" substitution effect that so many women are upset about. I do though see how the intellectual model women use can seem valid. That model, if applied to men, would have men upset about their wives reading Harlequin romance novels and watching the movie "Dirty Dancing" because the husbands would fear that their wives are substituting the romance novel hero or Patrick Swayze for them. What I see instead is husband's happy that their wives are in the mood after watching Johnny and Baby practice their lifts in the lake.


Pretty much. When men watch porn, most fantasise about their wives. When women read ‘romance’ novels, most fantasise about that hero with the throbbing sword or whatever...
Men will never complain about their wives reading this stuff.
Women tend to complain about men watching porn because they think men will imagine what women would, if they read the throbbing romance novels...There’s certainly some projection going on. It can’t be helped.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Deepinthehearta said:


> Diana, you seem to want to come down pretty hard on men who use porn. Granted, its a character weakness. What about women who read romance novels? Or are addicted to social media? Or deny their husbands sex because they are tired? Or unwed mother? I'd be willing to wager that you think most of those people deserve compassion and understanding. So, why not some compassion and understanding for men who struggle with this habit? All I am hearing from you is condemnation.


I'm not so sure that "romance novels" are the appropriate counter-example to use.


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