# Going through divorce after 16 years



## Skyborn99 (Jun 5, 2018)

Hello, I am in the middle of a divorce after being married for 16 years and together for a little of 17 years. I am struggling with the reason why she wanted the divorce. We have two kids. A 19 year old that I adopted from her when he was 2 and a 12 year old that we have together. We had are ups and downs just like everyone else but we always came through it together. From bankruptcy to moving to another state to start over and moving back again we always made it together. We had talks over the last couple years that things needed to start changing for both of us, but neither one of us did anything. We have always gotten along great, loved being with each other and doing things together. That all changed at the first of the year when we ran into more money problems. We were in such a rut in our day to day lives that it was the same thing everyday. But I thought they were starting to get better. I got promoted at work we were saving money and we were a little more affectionate with each other. Than April hit and my world ended that month. She went on two business trips in back to back weeks and she wanted use not to talk and give each other space. So I agreed but when she came back on the 26 th which was my birthday she asked for a divorce. I was shocked and stunned. That was the last thing I thought she would ask for. She told me that she still cared for me and loved me but not in that way anymore. It took me a few days to settle down from the shock, but we don’t have the money for one of us to find a place that quick so we stayed in the same house it in different rooms. Then I pulled the phone records and found out she has been calling and texting a co work since the 4 th of April to the time of 60 to 70 texts a day. I confronted her about it and of coarse she lied and said they were just friends. She said she had been thinking about a divorce for years but just got the balls to do it now. I finally got her to admit she had an affair a couple of days ago but she still thinks she did nothing wrong and the young kid is so mad at her he doesn’t want to see her and she is not trying to see him either. None of this makes any since to me and she is still seeing the other man who is married with two kids of his own and she acts like the last 17 years has never happened. If some one can give me answers I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

exit affair....She may have checked out longer than that though. You guys struggled with life, as it were. But she was emotionally immature and looked elsewhere for her immediate gratification. You are going to hear lots of excuses and blame-shifting. But the onus is on her. She checked out..."For better or worse" just wasn't in her lexicon.

I feel that you have a couple of choices here...1. You find out entirely about the affair and find answers, that may or may not change things for you on a personal level.
Or, 2. You realize that the marriage is dead in her eyes and therefore, you are fired from that "job". And like anything else, you need to prepare yourself for single life and start the 180. You need to check out from this marriage yourself, and start finding a semi-comfortable place in your life that you feel safe in. Unfortunately, it does not include your STBXW.

As for finding more about the affair...I really don't think the way that this has played out, it will help you in the long run. You may just go pain shopping and still ending up with no closure for yourself. And then you get all the mind movies and such. If you cut that part out of your life, you may save some sanity. IC can help with that. You can write down your feelings on the matter and maybe find out more stuff on YOU and not HER. 

Life is difficult, and she quit. She is the quitter, not you. Eventually you will be able to hold your head high and have some self worth and respect. I hope you have a lawyer on hand! You need to start protecting yourself and organize your life going forward. Sorry for your loss. I hear you loud and clear.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I think you need to find out who the AP is and tell HIS wife ASAP. DO NOT tell your wife you are doing this before you do. Try to get something solid (texts, a recording of her telling you about it, etc. ) to prove to the POSOM's wife.

This is typical BuLL**** that cheaters do (she didn't do anything wrong!! SERIOUSLY!!! wow, she has no idea how many people she has hurt). VERY sorry that you are going through this.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

you married a coward, and i would have told her that to her face, instead of exiting properly she cheated on you and so as you divorce you remind her that she was a cheat and coward and destroyed any good will you had for her and worse of that she did this to her child as well. shame on her. believe it or not you will be better off in the long run.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Sucks and I am sorry to hear this for you.

You need to try and be strong and why she is in a affair fog go full force into getting a fast divorce which provides you the best settlement, she may still have feelings for you or try to not be the bad guy so let her be nice and tale advantage of this Window.

You did not deserve this and you will be better off long term, I am one year into signing and about 2 since a similar situation occurred, it sucks, it hurts but you will come out from this and look back and wonder why you cared.


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## stro (Feb 7, 2018)

Cheating spouses will rewrite the history of their relationship to justify their affair. You have to understand your wife is living in a fantasy world. She is no longer the woman you married. That woman is gone forever. Even if you somehow manage to recover your marriage, it will not be THAT woman you are married to. It will be the one who hurt you, betrayed you and re wrote the history of your marriage to justify her fling with some married dude at work. 

Talk to a lawyer before you do anything. Divorce laws vary from state to state and certainly from country to country. Then consider Telling the other mans wife. Blow this thing up and bring it out in the light of day. Her actions are going to have painful consequences. Let her feel them. Also let him feel them. They’ve earned it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Why: She wanted to.
Why 17 years don't matter: She has no feelings for you now. You're nobody to her. OM is everything. It's just how it works.

What she says: About your marriage history, why she did what she did, why she is doing what she is doing now--- all lies.

Don't try to understand it, sir. YOU are NOT a CHEATER. Therefore you will hopefully NEVER understand it. I hope you never do.
The only thing to do: Move forward with your life. DO NOT be fearful of not meeting another woman to love. They will come. There are herds of women looking for a good, loyal, hard working man to marry. TRUST ME ON THIS. Smarter, MORE LOYAL, younger, more beautiful women than your wife are out there waiting on you. 

When you get your head right and you find another woman that YOU think is all that, you will forget her just as she has done you.

I know it hurts. I know it's scary. I know it seems like it just keeps getting worse and worse. 

But if and only if you accept she is gone and that she is not worth worrying about and move on, you will be fine. 

I'm sorry your wife is a traitor and person of low character. I'm sorry she has hurt you. 

MOVE PAST IT. you CAN. You just are hurting too much to see it yet. Hang in there, it will take a while but it will get better. Don't grieve the loss of your wife. She sucks. But grieve the loss of your marriage and your current plans for the future.

GET EXCITED about the NEW plans you are going to make. That will help you move forward.


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## Skyborn99 (Jun 5, 2018)

Thank you for all your advice and past experiences. I appreciate it hearing them and it all has helped in one way or another. I have filed for divorce and she has been served, with a court date later this month. She actually had the guts to tell me why I didn’t tell her I was going to file. I told her that it sucks getting surprised. So now we are in a fight over our young son because she didn’t not want to give up custodial rights. Even though she is only a show mom. She has already moved out of the school district and my son lives with me. My wife only sees him twice a week right now and wants joint custody but he doesn’t want to be at her place or go over there right now. If you all have any suggestions please let me know thanks.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Why haven't you exposed her to his wife and their workplace?

Great job filling. What has her parents and friends said about her cheating?

What kind of support group do you have?

Your wife is just a typical cheater that follows cheating 101. Exposure usually breaks up the affair but that doesn't mean you take them back!!!!!!!


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

When did she move out ? Yesterday, you said she moved to a different room. When did you find out ? If she already had somewhere lined up to move to, she has been planning this for some time now.

And don't forget to tell the other betrayed spouse and take proof with you. Do not tell your wife you are going to do this.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

DOCUMENT every day she doesn't see or talk to your child. Talk to your lawyer about this. Yes, it will be fight. Don't give up. Keep your child with you full time at all costs. You don't want to pay your wife to put your child in the presence of other men who may abuse him or her, or teach them morals and values that are not your own.

Write it all down, record all conversations if possible. This information will be invaluable.


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## Skyborn99 (Jun 5, 2018)

She asked for the divorce at the end of April and I found out about the affair on the 7 th of may. I told her to leave that night but she had been looking for a place since she asked for it. I did contact the other guys wife and left a message with her to call me. She texted back and told me to worry about my family and she would handle hers and not to contact her again. As for letting there work know I thought about sending an email because my wife is in HR and does payroll so she would be fired on the spot but I’m thinking of both my kids and I don’t want them to know that I caused there mom to loose her job and she would spin it that way. I do have proof through a friend of my wife’s who is feeding me info on what she has done. She is sending me screenshots of there text messages when they talk to each other about what she has done. She does not like what my wife has done but is trying to get me all the info she can for me. 

My thing is I can not understand how someone can just not care about th last 16 years and what they do to there kids. That is what I am having a hard time dealing with.


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## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

Sky, when i read the other wife's reply back to you...I thought, I wonder if HE got a hold of it before his wife saw it...HE may have deleted the vmail as well....just a thought...

I too am in the same boat, how the hell can someone you love and care about just drop you...and I mean DROP you and the family like a dime!!!...

I am right there with you, that is the HARDEST part IMHO...


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## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

Oh she works for HR...yea, I would bust her a$$...

YOU didnt cause her to lose her job, you self centered, selfish behavior caused that...you are justified on letting them know...if you want to use it, than hold that card...file for divorce...and than say to her sign it or an email goes to your HR office...and she'll get the message...ask for whatever you want and tell her...NO ONE has to know a thing except you and me...and thats up to you...have her sign the divorce than let it go...look at it this way, its a card for your KIDS...play it only when you need to ...and lets hope you dont...


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Skyborn99 said:


> She asked for the divorce at the end of April and I found out about the affair on the 7 th of may. I told her to leave that night but she had been looking for a place since she asked for it. I did contact the other guys wife and left a message with her to call me. She texted back and told me to worry about my family and she would handle hers and not to contact her again. As for letting there work know I thought about sending an email because my wife is in HR and does payroll so she would be fired on the spot but I’m thinking of both my kids and I don’t want them to know that I caused there mom to loose her job and she would spin it that way. I do have proof through a friend of my wife’s who is feeding me info on what she has done. She is sending me screenshots of there text messages when they talk to each other about what she has done. She does not like what my wife has done but is trying to get me all the info she can for me.
> 
> My thing is I can not understand how someone can just not care about th last 16 years and what they do to there kids. That is what I am having a hard time dealing with.


This is very typical. An affair trumps everything. Nothing special about this at all.

Sounds like your warning got intercepted by her husband.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

I'm so sorry for your lost. Your wife is a different person now (don't try to explain it) and you have to protect yourself. Talk to your attorney and seek therapy.
You deserve a much better woman - and there are many out there waiting for you.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Skyborn99 said:


> My thing is I can not understand how someone can just not care about th last 16 years and what they do to there kids. That is what I am having a hard time dealing with.


Every answer comes back to her being selfish and feeling entitled. Your never going to understand it and the more you try the more you spin your wheels. She did it, she's doing it. For now quit analyzing, it's only holding you back. Once you start to gain some distance from her and your brain starts overriding your heart you'll see her for who she is, not what you want to see.


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## BE12 (Jun 7, 2018)

People can be very selfish. Your wife is under the delusion that the grass will be greener on the other side but unfortunately she is done with your marriage. She will care about 16 years of marriage when the world she is creating for herself falls completely apart. My wife is pretty much done with me too and unfortunately when a woman is done there isn't much you can do about it. Don't listen to people telling you to cause her to lose her job. All that will do is cause you to have to pay more in alimony. That's a petty move. Your kids will be much better off with a mother who has steady income.


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## Skyborn99 (Jun 5, 2018)

All right I need some advice on how to stop thinking about my soon to be ex. I am having trouble trying to get through the days without think what she is doing or who she is talking to. I used to know everything she did or I thought but now it’s stucknin my head all day who she is messaging at 4 and 5 in the morning. And having to see her every couple of days because of the kids sports doesn’t help either. I know she is struggling with money but every time I see her she looks really good and together which makes me very upset. I have tried for the last couple of weeks to start running but that doesn’t seem to help. I am seeing a counselor but that’s not working either. I talk to friends and that seems to help at that moment but the rage and anger of what and how she did things comes back. I just thought that she would struggle just as much as I have but that isn’t the case. If anyone has any ideas I’m all ears because I’m tired of feeling this way and don’t want to keep going like I am. Thanks.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

The money problems broke down the last of her fragile boundaries (this is extremely common). It set off the "must procure new mate" mode. When that happens, your wife is a new person. Absolutely positively nothing you two have together will register in her brain. Kids, your good times, your loving times, your home... none of it.

Read:

You can't beat emotion. Stop trying. | Dad Starting Over


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

See your doctor if you're having anxiety. Zoloft helped me a lot in my divorce. I took it for a couple of months. 
Nothing is going to keep you from having to endure some terrible pain. Just know that you are your father's son and by God, you can handle it. You can. It will take several months before you're able to accept what a lowlife your wife really is. When you gain acceptance, you will get better mentally at an exponential rate. 

I will ask you to do a few things:

Eat healthy.

Run/lift weights whether it feels good or not.

Talk regularly to one trusted friend--DO NOT constantly tell your problems to every tom,****, and harry you see. They will tire of that crap and you'll regret it later when you're in a different state of mind. I'd try a relative, or your best friend-- someone that you know really loves you. Or if you can afford it, see a damn therapist. Anyone who will listen.

See a doctor for the anxiety. It's hell. I know. I've been where you are. And I feel your pain, bro.

Start forcing yourself to interact with women on a daily basis. Get some interest. You're about to be a single man. Learn how to act like a single man. Learn to ENJOY being a single man. Hey, it's not all that bad. Trust me, you are about to learn a lot about things. You are a much hotter commodity than you think you are--- guaranteed. Have ZERO fear that you can find a better spouse than the one you have. I give you my solemn promise that it is not only possible, but extremely likely. If you aren't careful, you are going to mess up AGAIN and marry the wrong one. Why? Because women that are younger and more beautiful than your wife are going to be begging you to be their man, and you are going to wonder why you're getting all this attention that you may have never had before from such beautiful women. 

Remember that I told you that your wife has given you a GIFT. A freaking GIFT. Yes, you will see it that way one day when you're past this. You may even have some urges to thank her. You will become indifferent to her. You won't look at her and feel all choked up and gut wrenched. You won't even be all that angry at her. She won't mean a damn thing to you. And you will be glad for it.
Yes, the divorce and breakup of your family and knowing you had to rebuild your life will always be a hurtful thing. BUt as for HER, you will NOT feel this way about her forever like you think. But yes, it's gonna take some time.

I hope you will keep posting and keep talking about it. It helps. We don't know you and we don't mind listening.
Good luck


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Skyborn99 said:


> All right I need some advice on how to stop thinking about my soon to be ex. I am having trouble trying to get through the days without think what she is doing or who she is talking to. I used to know everything she did or I thought but now it’s stucknin my head all day who she is messaging at 4 and 5 in the morning. And having to see her every couple of days because of the kids sports doesn’t help either. I know she is struggling with money but every time I see her she looks really good and together which makes me very upset. I have tried for the last couple of weeks to start running but that doesn’t seem to help. I am seeing a counselor but that’s not working either. I talk to friends and that seems to help at that moment but the rage and anger of what and how she did things comes back. I just thought that she would struggle just as much as I have but that isn’t the case. If anyone has any ideas I’m all ears because I’m tired of feeling this way and don’t want to keep going like I am. Thanks.


Everyone goes thru this to varying degrees and part of it you just have to ride out, it will pass but you've also got to make a real effort to stop thinking about her. If/when you start thinking about her you've got to force yourself to think about something different or distract yourself to avoid the thoughts. It'll take some trial and error, for many it's working out, some it's finding a new hobby. Physical activities tend to work the best and will help with sleeping as that is typically hard to get a good night's rest in the beginning. 

You need to quit worrying whether she is struggling or not, this isn't your problem now and again in the short term she having a great time exploring the new "happy single world" and just avoiding the headaches of the real world. It'll most likely come back to bite her but it's not your problem. She certainly isn't going to show you any hint of struggle if she is.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Skyborn99 said:


> I have tried for the last couple of weeks to start running but that doesn’t seem to help.


Exercise can be a fantastic way to lift your mood, but stay away from activities which have a lot of time for contemplation. If you do activities where your mind can wander--like running, treadmill, cycling, etc--you will often dwell on your situation. Plus, people often don't do those activities at a strenuous enough level to create endorphins.

Instead, join an instructor-led class which will work you hard and keep you moving so much you won't have time to think. Classes like these are boot camp, kickboxing, etc. You'll get both mental and physical benefits which will help you through this tough time. Weightlifting can also be a great activity, but it will be harder to get a good workout if you're not experienced. If you're a novice, try classes for both the instructional and motivational benefits.


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## Skyborn99 (Jun 5, 2018)

Just needing to vent. Today was not a good day for me. All the thoughts and emotions just started at once today and I could not stop my mind from spinning. I do a lot of driving and when those thoughts get in my head it’s really hard to get them out. With my soon to be ex getting a lawyer and she is pretty much telling her to get more active in my sons life, so she is texting me more and asking if she can pick him up and have him for a Saturday. But she won’t tell me what they are going to do or what time she is going to pick him up or drop him off. She said she doesn’t know what they are going to do yet. Which I find hard to believe that you wouldn’t have something in mind yet. The thoughts of why she did this and would I take her back, than I wouldn’t take her back and than how can I even think about that after what she has done to me and my son and it just goes round and round in my head. It really sucks for me because I don’t have a lot of friends and the ones I do have are all married with kids and are busy with there kids events and there own lives. With me having my son just about all the time I have not been able to get out much if at all and even though my son is 12 I can’t leave him by his self with what has been going on and when we are out together he doesn’t really want to stay out long. So it’s been hard adjusting to all of this but it seems to help me write down what’s been going on. Just needed to get things of my chest and try and breath a little easier.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You can't control her. She will get partial custody. You have your time she as hers. Keep everything separated.

Limit contact. Communicate only by text or email. Don't talk with her on the phone. Let it go to voicemail reply only if it's kid or business related by text. Ignore anything else.

Pick ups and drop offs should be a 3 minute exercise with zero engagement. You have control over yourself and your phone. You'd better use it or you'll stay wrapped up in this.

I know of 3 who use this approach and it works only if you apply it fully.


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## Skyborn99 (Jun 5, 2018)

What should I do when she drops him off and she comes to the door and starts talking about what was going on at practice. Should I say thanks and if there is anything I need to know text me or do I stand there till she is done and say ok and shut the door. These are things I don’t know what to do with. For her it’s like we have been divorced for 10 years and we are friends now. She has no idea what’s she is putting all of us through. It’s like nothing has changed for her except she no longer lives with us. Very strange.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Remind you do not want the other man around your son. But I would short with her, to the point and then close the door...no fake smile ....read up on 180...it's on this site.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She doesn't care what she's putting everyone through. If she did, none of this would be happening. 

When she starts talking, tell her just to text you and shut the door (or walk away if she's not inside your house).


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> See your doctor if you're having anxiety. Zoloft helped me a lot in my divorce. I took it for a couple of months.
> Nothing is going to keep you from having to endure some terrible pain. Just know that you are your father's son and by God, you can handle it. You can. It will take several months before you're able to accept what a lowlife your wife really is. When you gain acceptance, you will get better mentally at an exponential rate.
> 
> I will ask you to do a few things:
> ...


LOVE THIS! So true........It's a beautiful thing. The best way to get over a woman is to get under another........


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Skyborn99 said:


> What should I do when she drops him off and she comes to the door and starts talking about what was going on at practice. Should I say thanks and if there is anything I need to know text me or do I stand there till she is done and say ok and shut the door. These are things I don’t know what to do with. For her it’s like we have been divorced for 10 years and we are friends now. She has no idea what’s she is putting all of us through. It’s like nothing has changed for her except she no longer lives with us. Very strange.


NO CONTACT! SHE IS THE ENEMY! Read and practice the 180.........She is DEAD to you. Get my drift?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Skyborn99 said:


> What should I do when she drops him off and she comes to the door and starts talking about what was going on at practice. Should I say thanks and if there is anything I need to know text me or do I stand there till she is done and say ok and shut the door. These are things I don’t know what to do with. For her it’s like we have been divorced for 10 years and we are friends now. She has no idea what’s she is putting all of us through. It’s like nothing has changed for her except she no longer lives with us. Very strange.


All cheaters want to be friends. It helps them alleviate guilt, makes them feel better but does nothing for you. They aren't on the receiving end of this so they don't care. You control your life and your time. If you don't you'll just wallow longer in this. Don't be afraid of pushing her away she's already gone.

You either cut her off or suffer longer. That is your choice.

Definition of friend = loyal, trustworthy and honest. She's not friend material.

The only one that can keep you in this is you.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"For her it’s like we have been divorced for 10 years and we are friends now. She has no idea what’s she is putting all of us through. It’s like nothing has changed for her except she no longer lives with us. Very strange."

You need to make it clear that you are NOT friends, nor will you be. Just tell her that you are not friends with people who betray their spouses by cheating. You will co-parent, nothing more, nothing less. She is NOTHING to you other than the mother of your child. Period. Be clear that the ONLY conversations you will have will be about your child and/or about financial matters concerning the divorce. You may want to tell her that all communications should be via email only.


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## Skyborn99 (Jun 5, 2018)

Have a few questions. If anyone has gone through this let me know. As you have read in my earlier post I served my wife 10 days ago. She has 20 days to respond and I have not heard anything about the papers from her but she is now taking an interest to my son. Asking him to go do things with her and taking him out for lunch in the past week. I have found out that she has broken the affair of at the end of may. I have taken some of you guys advice and have not been in contact with her except for my son and I only communicate through text. I have told her I do not want to see her or talk to her which has been fine until the past few days. She is texting me more about our son and about things in the house that aren’t really important. I am taking my son to a counselor today and she has known about it for a couple of weeks but just started to get involved with it on the past few days. She is being a lot nicer than she usually is and it’s freaking me out a little bit. She even called me yesterday to tell me she dropped our son off and what they talked about and offered her free counselor session to me through her works insurance because mine has run out. I do not know if she has a lawyer yet but she goes out of town at the end of the week for work and won’t be back till Friday of next week which would only give her a day to respond to the papers. If someone can let me know what she is trying to do I would appreciate it. I don’t know of she is trying to manipulate me into dropping the child support and sole custody or she has come down from her high from the affair. Let me know please.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Why do you believe she has dropped him. She sounds happy and still in the affair fog of new love.

Did you talk to his wife. Looks like he intercepted your message. At least talk to the other mans wife. If they took it underground he is playing his wife. 

Did you talk to your doctor? Have you started lifting?

If you look at some of the older threads in the infidelity section you will see they all act alike. Your wife is just that kind of self centered person. 

Is there a YMCA around you can work out at and take your son too?

She’s telling you they broke up to keep you from outing her to her work and the Posom’s wife. Lying is second nature for cheaters.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Skyborn99 said:


> Have a few questions. If anyone has gone through this let me know. As you have read in my earlier post I served my wife 10 days ago. She has 20 days to respond and I have not heard anything about the papers from her but she is now taking an interest to my son. Asking him to go do things with her and taking him out for lunch in the past week. I have found out that she has broken the affair of at the end of may. I have taken some of you guys advice and have not been in contact with her except for my son and I only communicate through text. I have told her I do not want to see her or talk to her which has been fine until the past few days. She is texting me more about our son and about things in the house that aren’t really important. I am taking my son to a counselor today and she has known about it for a couple of weeks but just started to get involved with it on the past few days. She is being a lot nicer than she usually is and it’s freaking me out a little bit. She even called me yesterday to tell me she dropped our son off and what they talked about and offered her free counselor session to me through her works insurance because mine has run out. I do not know if she has a lawyer yet but she goes out of town at the end of the week for work and won’t be back till Friday of next week which would only give her a day to respond to the papers. If someone can let me know what she is trying to do I would appreciate it. I don’t know of she is trying to manipulate me into dropping the child support and sole custody or she has come down from her high from the affair. Let me know please.


She is looking for a softer landing.
You are looking for a miracle.

You are looking for her to have a change of heart.
She is looking for a support base.

She stands alone. 

Few are comfortable being naked in a forest of hard wood starers.
All lookers, seemingly, know she is a cheat.
Someone who cannot be trusted.

At work, she looks in everyone's face, looking for the knowing shift of disapproving eyes.

Do not for a minute think that some coworkers are not onto her situation.
The scent of guilt pours out of her. 
All the knowing men first look at her groin, then at her face.

When she passes, their eyes and minds downshift....again to waist level. 
To waste her level down..
To that of a no longer colleague.

To now?
To coquette.

A waste of a once 'good' wife, a good women.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Skyborn99 said:


> If someone can let me know what she is trying to do I would appreciate it. I don’t know of she is trying to manipulate me into dropping the child support and sole custody or she has come down from her high from the affair. Let me know please.


It could be that she is acting that way simply because she is his mom and is acting like a mom. Do you think she's a cold, manipulative person that is just using your son as a bargaining chip? That's also a possibility, but you would likely have seen many warning signs before now if she's that impersonal. But if she was a caring, loving parent in the past, she may be just getting back to that again. No doubt the fog of an affair changes a person's personality. If she's out of the fog, she may be getting back to normal.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Skyborn99 said:


> Have a few questions. If anyone has gone through this let me know. As you have read in my earlier post I served my wife 10 days ago. She has 20 days to respond and I have not heard anything about the papers from her but she is now taking an interest to my son. Asking him to go do things with her and taking him out for lunch in the past week. I have found out that she has broken the affair of at the end of may. I have taken some of you guys advice and have not been in contact with her except for my son and I only communicate through text. I have told her I do not want to see her or talk to her which has been fine until the past few days. She is texting me more about our son and about things in the house that aren’t really important. I am taking my son to a counselor today and she has known about it for a couple of weeks but just started to get involved with it on the past few days. She is being a lot nicer than she usually is and it’s freaking me out a little bit. She even called me yesterday to tell me she dropped our son off and what they talked about and offered her free counselor session to me through her works insurance because mine has run out. I do not know if she has a lawyer yet but she goes out of town at the end of the week for work and won’t be back till Friday of next week which would only give her a day to respond to the papers. If someone can let me know what she is trying to do I would appreciate it. I don’t know of she is trying to manipulate me into dropping the child support and sole custody or she has come down from her high from the affair. Let me know please.


- It's possible the affair may or may not be over, that's not real important right now.

- She is taking interesting in your son because, even if she is still in the affair, there comes a time when the entitled STBXW starts to believe that they can have their fantasy love and their kids too. In reality, they should and should be allowed to have time with their kids but what I'm getting at is that early in the affair (in my case) wife just kept talking about wanting to leave and be alone (with AP but obviously left that part out). But there comes a time when the affair high is still going but the mothering trait starts to come back and they re-engage with the kids once they get the thought they are entitled to have their kids and their new love as well. There's that aspect and the aspect of wanting to save at least some face. It's one thing to leave your husband, she can spin that 1,000 ways and tell lies about you, say you didn't love her or the love was gone, etc. There's no way to spin leaving their own children, so in order to relieve guilt and save face, that comes into focus as an aspect as well.

- The small talk is another way of relieving her own guilt. Cheaters want to be friends, they want to be seen as good people still and that the affair was out of their control and a matter of the heart and soul. Keep it short. Keep it cordial but keep it short and continue to have as little contact with her as possible aside from kid matters.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

MovingForward said:


> Sucks and I am sorry to hear this for you.
> 
> You need to try and be strong and why she is in a affair fog go full force into getting a fast divorce which provides you the best settlement, she may still have feelings for you or try to not be the bad guy so let her be nice and tale advantage of this Window.
> 
> You did not deserve this and you will be better off long term, I am one year into signing and about 2 since a similar situation occurred, it sucks, it hurts but you will come out from this and look back and wonder why you cared.


My friend is a family lawyer and said the one party who is having the affair will often feel some guilt and warmth but not love towards the BS. They will often be in favour of a settlement that is in the BS's best interests. And later regret that they gave so much away.....

It is also true that a BS often lets the WS have a more than equitable settlement because they are still hoping the STBX will come to their senses and see how "nice" the BS is and come back.....


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

I would like to know how YOU KNOW the affair is over? That is important. 

What she is doing now, is taking an interest in being a mom because a friend or lawyer told her she has to show what a good mom she is. 

That is all, it is just for show. This is how it always goes. 

Really it does not matter, you can't stop her from seeing your son. If the affair is really over, she will find someone new soon and after the divorce you will have your son most of the time. 

Pretty standard for someone like your STBXW...


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

BluesPower said:


> I would like to know how YOU KNOW the affair is over? That is important.
> 
> What she is doing now, is taking an interest in being a mom because a friend or lawyer told her she has to show what a good mom she is.
> 
> ...


There's no doubt my STBXW loves our kids but her needs and wants seem to have always come into focus ahead of all else. During the limbo part of her affair when I really had no idea what she was doing or that she was still involved, I went from primary parent to borderline only parent. Then after she got hit with the kid guilt and the small chance she might not end up with Prince Charming and things started to head towards the legal side of divorce (early stages), my lawyer phrased it like this ... "she will become mom of the year" and that's exactly what happened January-Current


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Nothing but words and like most you can’t apply the no contact 180.

You are going to wallow awhile.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

stillfightingforus said:


> There's no doubt my STBXW loves our kids but her needs and wants seem to have always come into focus ahead of all else. During the limbo part of her affair when I really had no idea what she was doing or that she was still involved, I went from primary parent to borderline only parent. Then after she got hit with the kid guilt and the small chance she might not end up with Prince Charming and things started to head towards the legal side of divorce (early stages), my lawyer phrased it like this ... "she will become mom of the year" and that's exactly what happened January-Current


And this is exactly why you should listen to your attorney. He or she has seen this hundreds of times.

MAKE NO MISTAKE: She does NOT have any feelings for you whatsoever, has no intention of a TRUE reconciliation--- she doesn't love you. It's sad. It's hard to believe the love isn't in there somewhere still. IT'T NOT.

Everything she is doing is cheaterscript extraordinaire. Please don't misinterpret her desire for self-preservation (lifestyle preservation) as anything worth noting. Follow your attorney's advice to the letter. Document everything. She is likely getting coached by her attorney and don't think for one second that she's not going to respond. She will. Or she's an irresponsible idiot. 

For you to think the affair is over, is nonsensical. If it was OVER, and her marriage was OVER, she'd be a limp mess of hysterical bonding jello. She isn't. The affair isn't over. She's just laying low with it to make her case better for court, because she doesn't want to be steamrolled.

I WOULD STEAMROLL her if I could. Get as favorable of a divorce and custody as you possibly can, at any cost. You can give her whatever and let her have whatever she wants after the divorce is signed, but don't be legally on the hook to her if you can keep from it.

Women don't suddenly fall back in love once they flip the switch in an affair. REMEMBER THAT.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

You stick a fork in her being mother of the year. I would recommend that you have both her and the AP fired. Then you are in a position to dictate terms. While she is trying to improve her image for the courts, you need to have it pointed out in the worst way possible that her affair is what led to the marriage breakdown. My wife had a little one at work while we were separated. (I had the original affair). I knew that her office and friends would line up behind her. When she told me that she had slept with a guy from work, she expected that I would just accept it. Her GF called me for a date, and dropped the guy's name. Next day, I go to her office, and wait for quitting time. When the plant guys emerge I call his name. One guy turns around and I clock him. I proceed to tear him a new assh0le. He gets furious and says that she wasn't worth this. I drag him inside, and let the boss know what she was up to. They are fired on the spot. (The boss did not want the police involved, as almost everyone who worked for him was in the country illegally, and I banked on that) Her little fu cker was telling everyone in the office that she was fat, was a lousy lay, and not worth the trouble. She left to go to her mom's only to hear me say, just go home, your mother was told this afternoon, and she wants nothing to do with you. I had successfully cut off all of her supports. It was the only way I could see me not being victimized if she went to divorce. Without her family or her workplace behind her, she was unable to get the support spiritually and monetarily to divorce me, I felt that I had a lot of people against me, her best GF wanted to date me, and worked to split us up. (My wife was told of this a day later, and had her GF fired from that job-she pointed the prick at my wife, so she could have a clear path to me, I told her to her face in an open office that I wouldn't fu ck her with someone else's ****.) My actions stymied her path to divorce. My affair was cancelled out by hers. She did not have the moral high ground, and she lost a job, her family and her friends. It was the only way I could bring her back down to earth, was to isolate her from her support system. Without her GF whispering in her ear, there would have never been an RA, nor would there have been her meeting with a lawyer, conveniently supplied by the GF. I basically put her into a position of not having anyone, just like me. I admit, I manipulated the situation, but it was for defensive purposes. I could not overcome the legal beagles sent after me by her parents, who had enough money to destroy me. Therefore, I removed her friends and family from the equation.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Taxman said:


> You stick a fork in her being mother of the year. I would recommend that you have both her and the AP fired. Then you are in a position to dictate terms. While she is trying to improve her image for the courts, you need to have it pointed out in the worst way possible that her affair is what led to the marriage breakdown. My wife had a little one at work while we were separated. (I had the original affair). I knew that her office and friends would line up behind her. When she told me that she had slept with a guy from work, she expected that I would just accept it. Her GF called me for a date, and dropped the guy's name. Next day, I go to her office, and wait for quitting time. When the plant guys emerge I call his name. One guy turns around and I clock him. I proceed to tear him a new assh0le. He gets furious and says that she wasn't worth this. I drag him inside, and let the boss know what she was up to. They are fired on the spot. (The boss did not want the police involved, as almost everyone who worked for him was in the country illegally, and I banked on that) Her little fu cker was telling everyone in the office that she was fat, was a lousy lay, and not worth the trouble. She left to go to her mom's only to hear me say, just go home, your mother was told this afternoon, and she wants nothing to do with you. I had successfully cut off all of her supports. It was the only way I could see me not being victimized if she went to divorce. Without her family or her workplace behind her, she was unable to get the support spiritually and monetarily to divorce me, I felt that I had a lot of people against me, her best GF wanted to date me, and worked to split us up. (My wife was told of this a day later, and had her GF fired from that job-she pointed the prick at my wife, so she could have a clear path to me, I told her to her face in an open office that I wouldn't fu ck her with someone else's ****.) My actions stymied her path to divorce. My affair was cancelled out by hers. She did not have the moral high ground, and she lost a job, her family and her friends. It was the only way I could bring her back down to earth, was to isolate her from her support system. Without her GF whispering in her ear, there would have never been an RA, nor would there have been her meeting with a lawyer, conveniently supplied by the GF. I basically put her into a position of not having anyone, just like me. I admit, I manipulated the situation, but it was for defensive purposes. I could not overcome the legal beagles sent after me by her parents, who had enough money to destroy me. Therefore, I removed her friends and family from the equation.


I really love this story @Taxman.
You’re not one of my lawyers by any chance?


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

NOT a lawyer. I have respect for many members of that profession, and I have been trained to think and write like one. (One day I will relate a consumer story, where I had an airline convinced that I was a high powered lawyer, and stood to lien their entire fleet. People are easily cowed by complex words and sentence structure.) I had the good (bad) luck to work for a disbarred lawyer. I learned the power of a well written letter. I learned the power of putting in chilling phrases. (My favorite? The closing line should always read, "Govern yourself accordingly" It is the last line in every collection letter written and every request for documents or basic information. It says that you mean business, and you come off as someone not to be trifled with.)


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## Easydoesit (Jun 12, 2018)

Sorry you are going through this.


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## Skyborn99 (Jun 5, 2018)

I was told the affair was over by a friend of hers that has been telling me everything she has been doing. She sends me the screenshots of there conversations so I will have my wife’s name on the texts. She told her that she called it off because she didn’t want to be the other women but said she would wait for his decision on his marriage. That was 14 days ago that she did that. But my older son who lives with her told me she spun it to him that they were just friends and we’re talking and he believes her even though I have the phone records and a voice recording of her admitting she had an affair. He also told me that her mom is paying for all the bills they have rent car ins cell cable you name it even her lawyer and she is getting garnished from her check for a credit card I didn’t even know about. I’m still on the bank accounts so I can see what they are doing and she is stupid to use the card for everything. They go out to eat three times a day and statements from women’s clothing stores and nail salons that her mom has no idea they are doing. She even used the card right before I found out about the affair at a hotel in the city and movie tickets and dinner so she is or was paying for all of there stuff they were doing together. If they are still seeing each other than they deserve one another she makes me sick every time I see her. Just had to vent a little. I will be back when I find anything out about her response.


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## Skyborn99 (Jun 5, 2018)

Back again and needing some advice. I have started the 180 about a week ago but am struggling with still thinking about her. I have told her that I don’t want to see or talk to her and when she picks up and drops my son off that she needs to stay in the car. He is old enough to get in and out of the house by himself. I didn’t even talk to her at my sons counseling session this past Tuesday which she showed up for. Shocker. We sat there in the waiting room which she sat next to me with a set in between us for the entire session until it was over and didn’t say a word to each other. But it’s the little things that upset me like the fake smiles and the clothes she wears. She never wore things like that when we were together. But anyway now I can not get her out of my head. I see and hear her all the time. I don’t know if it’s because I’m in the house we sjarednfor ten years or it’s jist my mind playing tricks on me but it seems to be getting worse not better. If any of you have some advice I would really like to hear it. Thanks.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Skyborn99 said:


> Back again and needing some advice. I have started the 180 about a week ago but am struggling with still thinking about her. I have told her that I don’t want to see or talk to her and when she picks up and drops my son off that she needs to stay in the car. He is old enough to get in and out of the house by himself. I didn’t even talk to her at my sons counseling session this past Tuesday which she showed up for. Shocker. We sat there in the waiting room which she sat next to me with a set in between us for the entire session until it was over and didn’t say a word to each other. But it’s the little things that upset me like the fake smiles and the clothes she wears. She never wore things like that when we were together. But anyway now I can not get her out of my head. I see and hear her all the time. I don’t know if it’s because I’m in the house we sjarednfor ten years or it’s jist my mind playing tricks on me but it seems to be getting worse not better. If any of you have some advice I would really like to hear it. Thanks.


It's like an addiction it's going to take time, you are going through withdrawal now. You need to practice training your brain, disciplining your mind. Every time you start to romanticize about her remember what she did to you. She is no longer the women you were with, now she is a liar and a cheat. Remind yourself that and force your brain to think of that and get mad. Also every time you get sad you must remind yourself and have the courage to think that your life is not over and this women is not the only one on the planet. Give yourself permission to have hope. Know that even though it doesn't feel like it, you WILL get over it, you WILL feel better. You can do this, just takes time. 

Hang in there, I promise me and a lot of other people can attest to this.


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## MThomas (May 8, 2018)

Skyborn99 said:


> Back again and needing some advice. I have started the 180 about a week ago but am struggling with still thinking about her. I have told her that I don’t want to see or talk to her and when she picks up and drops my son off that she needs to stay in the car. He is old enough to get in and out of the house by himself. I didn’t even talk to her at my sons counseling session this past Tuesday which she showed up for. Shocker. We sat there in the waiting room which she sat next to me with a set in between us for the entire session until it was over and didn’t say a word to each other. But it’s the little things that upset me like the fake smiles and the clothes she wears. She never wore things like that when we were together. But anyway now I can not get her out of my head. I see and hear her all the time. I don’t know if it’s because I’m in the house we sjarednfor ten years or it’s jist my mind playing tricks on me but it seems to be getting worse not better. If any of you have some advice I would really like to hear it. Thanks.


I am sorry you are here. I'm sorry I am here but that's for another day. The two of you had typical marital spats through the years. She became fed up, as did you. Divorces are so expensive, it sometimes comes down to who will jump first. In your case, she did.

Her emotions were no longer directed at you. They had to go somewhere. I would almost guarantee her and OM traded barbs about you and OMW. Deceit built on lies. First time they are away, they have an affair. Bet your bottom dollar the reason they chose each other was for easy access to sex than anything else.

Now she wants a divorce and he is dragging his feet. Quite common. There is a very good chance she knew this would happen. She was using him as an exit affair. But she also wanted a hand to hold on to, when she lets go of yours. Super common with WW. 

She does not exactly regret her decision but she is coming to the realization that she screwed up. If she could turn back time to before the business trip, she would. But she does not regret what she did. She is dressing herself up for court by spending time with her son. Notate these actions with your lawyer and bring them up. It seems as if each of you make roughly the same amount of money. Alimony would be out. At his age custody would be 50/50 and the judge may ask him for input. That would be in your favor. Hopefully child support would not be an issue with same wages and 50/50 but sometimes it does. Baffles me.

Buying clothes, nail stuff, eating out is an attempt to boost her self esteem. How long had she had problems with depression? When those items do not fulfill her desire to feel better about herself, she blames you. This is super common in decaying marriages.

Once you start detaching, she will begin fishing. That is when you have to decide if the marriage is worth saving, in your eyes. A close friend always says, if you can't trust, you can not love. At least not in a healthy way.

If you do not want more kids or to marry again, you are at an awesome age to be a single man. I can say this because that will be me in the near future. I can relate to not having many friends who are not married. When we were young, we hung out with other single guys. When we were married, we hung out with married people.

I hang out with a group of guys, some never married and no kids, some divorced, some still married. We bounce experiences and ideas off each other. That's how I ended up here on this site.

I am in favor of exposing but only if you want the marriage to work out. If you are completely through with her, exposing would affect the kids if she was fired. Maybe expose her after the divorce is complete. How old were the two of you when you met?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Taxman said:


> You stick a fork in her being mother of the year. I would recommend that you have both her and the AP fired. Then you are in a position to dictate terms. While she is trying to improve her image for the courts, you need to have it pointed out in the worst way possible that her affair is what led to the marriage breakdown. My wife had a little one at work while we were separated. (I had the original affair). I knew that her office and friends would line up behind her. When she told me that she had slept with a guy from work, she expected that I would just accept it. Her GF called me for a date, and dropped the guy's name. Next day, I go to her office, and wait for quitting time. When the plant guys emerge I call his name. One guy turns around and I clock him. I proceed to tear him a new assh0le. He gets furious and says that she wasn't worth this. I drag him inside, and let the boss know what she was up to. They are fired on the spot. (The boss did not want the police involved, as almost everyone who worked for him was in the country illegally, and I banked on that) Her little fu cker was telling everyone in the office that she was fat, was a lousy lay, and not worth the trouble. She left to go to her mom's only to hear me say, just go home, your mother was told this afternoon, and she wants nothing to do with you. I had successfully cut off all of her supports. It was the only way I could see me not being victimized if she went to divorce. Without her family or her workplace behind her, she was unable to get the support spiritually and monetarily to divorce me, I felt that I had a lot of people against me, her best GF wanted to date me, and worked to split us up. (My wife was told of this a day later, and had her GF fired from that job-she pointed the prick at my wife, so she could have a clear path to me, I told her to her face in an open office that I wouldn't fu ck her with someone else's ****.) My actions stymied her path to divorce. My affair was cancelled out by hers. She did not have the moral high ground, and she lost a job, her family and her friends. It was the only way I could bring her back down to earth, was to isolate her from her support system. Without her GF whispering in her ear, there would have never been an RA, nor would there have been her meeting with a lawyer, conveniently supplied by the GF. I basically put her into a position of not having anyone, just like me. I admit, I manipulated the situation, but it was for defensive purposes. I could not overcome the legal beagles sent after me by her parents, who had enough money to destroy me. Therefore, I removed her friends and family from the equation.


YOU had the original affair but go scorched earth on your wife for a revenge affair, wow, this says alot about you! You were separated when she had an affair, but married when you had yours. I doubt very much that one affair cancelled out the other nor have you the moral high ground. Anyway, what goes around comes around, hope it does. You sound like a POS who had an affair then destroyed your poor wife when she gave you a dose of your own medicine. I do hope that someone treats you the same way, you would deserve it. God you are sick!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

SKYborn 99

You sound weak

1. do the 180 stick to you
2. get a good counsellor for yourself
3. tell all family and friends about what is happening, rely on one or two for support
4. Join a gym, club, start getting fit, occupying your time with some other activities outside of work
5. do some activities, clubs with your 12 year old son
6. get a good lawyer, follow their advice
7. document everything she does, no contact except by mail or text
8. if she talks to you, look straight at her and say, 'hmm hmm, good for you, ok then' etc and just shut the door, come on man step up and be a man.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Next time you see your son show him the evidence...alll of it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The 180 only works if you fully apply it. It will take time for you to detach.

Your best path is to let her go


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

aine said:


> YOU had the original affair but go scorched earth on your wife for a revenge affair, wow, this says alot about you! You were separated when she had an affair, but married when you had yours. I doubt very much that one affair cancelled out the other nor have you the moral high ground. Anyway, what goes around comes around, hope it does. You sound like a POS who had an affair then destroyed your poor wife when she gave you a dose of your own medicine. I do hope that someone treats you the same way, you would deserve it. God you are sick!


Fist, 30 years ago, different world, and I was not objecting to the RA, but who set it in motion and how it was set in motion. I was informed that she was on a path to humiliate me, so it was the only way to stick a fork in it. She was more angry that she had been set up.


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## Skyborn99 (Jun 5, 2018)

Well I finally got my soon to be xw response to the papers I served her with. Not much is surprising, she wants joint custody and no child support but she declined to go to counseling with our son and denied some of the debt we have saying she doesn’t have enough information on it, which all the debt is hers anyway. The one thing I thought was strange was that she wanted her name to be changed in the divorce, which I get but not right after it. I don’t think my son will understand that she has a different last name then he dose so soon. I don’t think she is thinking at all about our son and the only reason she wants it changed is to get away from anymore debt issues and not to be reminded of what she did to us every time someone says her name. I’m going to try and stick to my guns on the full custody and child support because my son doesn’t want to go a week on and a week off he all ready told me he doesn’t like that at all and if he doesn’t want to go over there than he shouldn’t have too. But she has told me before that I’d its her week than she will make home come over which I don’t think is right especially if she doesn’t want to go to counseling with him and help him through it. I wish the infidelity would help me in the proceeding but my lawyer says it doesn’t matter in our state. But I don’t want my son to raised by a liar and a cheater and it should matter if they did that to a judge. I don’t know what do you all think. Am I going over board with all this. Thanks.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Skyborn99 said:


> Well I finally got my soon to be xw response to the papers I served her with. Not much is surprising, she wants joint custody and no child support but she declined to go to counseling with our son and denied some of the debt we have saying she doesn’t have enough information on it, which all the debt is hers anyway. The one thing I thought was strange was that she wanted her name to be changed in the divorce, which I get but not right after it. I don’t think my son will understand that she has a different last name then he dose so soon. I don’t think she is thinking at all about our son and the only reason she wants it changed is to get away from anymore debt issues and not to be reminded of what she did to us every time someone says her name. I’m going to try and stick to my guns on the full custody and child support because my son doesn’t want to go a week on and a week off he all ready told me he doesn’t like that at all and if he doesn’t want to go over there than he shouldn’t have too. But she has told me before that I’d its her week than she will make home come over which I don’t think is right especially if she doesn’t want to go to counseling with him and help him through it. I wish the infidelity would help me in the proceeding but my lawyer says it doesn’t matter in our state. But I don’t want my son to raised by a liar and a cheater and it should matter if they did that to a judge. I don’t know what do you all think. Am I going over board with all this. Thanks.


She's doing you a favor changing back to her maiden name and from a paperwork standpoint it's much easier to do it as part of the divorce than later after the divorce.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Skyborn99 said:


> Well I finally got my soon to be xw response to the papers I served her with. Not much is surprising, she wants joint custody and no child support but she declined to go to counseling with our son and denied some of the debt we have saying she doesn’t have enough information on it, which all the debt is hers anyway. The one thing I thought was strange was that she wanted her name to be changed in the divorce, which I get but not right after it. I don’t think my son will understand that she has a different last name then he dose so soon. I don’t think she is thinking at all about our son and the only reason she wants it changed is to get away from anymore debt issues and not to be reminded of what she did to us every time someone says her name. I’m going to try and stick to my guns on the full custody and child support because my son doesn’t want to go a week on and a week off he all ready told me he doesn’t like that at all and if he doesn’t want to go over there than he shouldn’t have too. But she has told me before that I’d its her week than she will make home come over which I don’t think is right especially if she doesn’t want to go to counseling with him and help him through it. I wish the infidelity would help me in the proceeding but my lawyer says it doesn’t matter in our state. But I don’t want my son to raised by a liar and a cheater and it should matter if they did that to a judge. I don’t know what do you all think. Am I going over board with all this. Thanks.


She'll get 50/50 custody. You can't make her do anything. You have your time and she has hers. Keep everything separate.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Marc878 said:


> She'll get 50/50 custody. You can't make her do anything. You have your time and she has hers. Keep everything separate.


And thems the facts right there!


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## Skyborn99 (Jun 5, 2018)

Need some of advice on what to do about my 12 year old son. We talked for a very long time last night about the divorce. He is very angry towards his mother for what’s happening and he doesn’t even know she had an affair. All he knows is she said it was her fault and she left. He let his anger and frustration show last night. I do have him in IC but he has only been a couple of times. He knows my stbxw wants 50/50 custody but he wants nothing to do with her. He said the only reason he goes to her place is to make her feel good but he doesn’t want to have to go over there. He doesn’t want to be made to go over there and he asked me to fight for sole custody last night. Now my question is do I let the lawyers handle it or do I try and reason with my stbxw who has shown that she really doesn’t care what he wants. She said if it’s her tone with him than he will be with her. She is not showing any compassion for him at all and she usually gets what she wants but I have to stand my ground for him on this one. I have never seen him this angry before. So any advice would be great. Thanks.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

My advice: try for full custody, but don't get your hopes up. Sorry you're in this.
Don't drain your whole savings fighting for full custody--- the courts are already against Dads before you show up.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Ask your lawyer what they think of sole vs 50/50 custody. Your son is at a tricky age - they may well listen to his wishes, and take them into account, but that doesn't mean he'll get what he wants. If he were 15/16, no judge would override his wishes, but at 12, it's a tough one.

Could your wife be asking as a way to avoid paying child support? Could you negotiate for sole custody if you drop the child support claim? Or propose 60/40? Something like that?

I really feel for both the kids...this has got to be bloody rough on them too


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

This is a tough one with a couple of aspects. One aspect is you fighting for custody. The other is managing his expectations so he handles the results in a healthy way. I worry that if you make him feel that you getting custody is a possibility, he will be devastated if it doesn't work out that way. He is 12, so he likely has self-centered view as most kids do. 

I would suggest let him know that you will always fight for what is best for him no matter what happens. Tell him that this is a complex process and lots of different outcomes are a possibility. But no matter what happens, he's your #1 priority. If he's with his mom 50%, you'll still be there for him 100%. 

Another aspect is that she is his mom. The feelings he has now won't be the feelings he has forever. Time heals many wounds, and it's likely in the future he can have a good relationship with her. It would be very easy to permanently poison the relationship in a way it cannot be recovered. I know you have negative feelings about her, but it would be best for him if he can have a healthy relationship with her at some point.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

The feelings and wishes of a twelve year old is going to hold a lot of weight with the court. It would be surprising for the court to go against what a child of that age wants.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Skyborn99 said:


> Need some of advice on what to do about my 12 year old son. We talked for a very long time last night about the divorce. He is very angry towards his mother for what’s happening and he doesn’t even know she had an affair. All he knows is she said it was her fault and she left. He let his anger and frustration show last night. I do have him in IC but he has only been a couple of times. He knows my stbxw wants 50/50 custody but he wants nothing to do with her. He said the only reason he goes to her place is to make her feel good but he doesn’t want to have to go over there. He doesn’t want to be made to go over there and he asked me to fight for sole custody last night. Now my question is do I let the lawyers handle it or do I try and reason with my stbxw who has shown that she really doesn’t care what he wants. She said if it’s her tone with him than he will be with her. She is not showing any compassion for him at all and she usually gets what she wants but I have to stand my ground for him on this one. I have never seen him this angry before. So any advice would be great. Thanks.


Your not going to have much luck trying to reason with her by yourself. This almost always just turns into a fight and goes nowhere.

If your stbx is the one on the hook for potential child support and bet a major reason she is seeking joint custody is to minimize the amount she would have to pay. I also wouldn't be surprised that if you told her you would forgo child support she would give you primary custody.


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## Skyborn99 (Jun 5, 2018)

I have tried to get him to see her more but she really hasn’t shown interest in him until I served her and since than she takes him to lunch a couple times and asked him to go do something with her during the day on the weekends but it is usually with another one of her family members like her mom and than they go buy him things at the store. Her mom has already promised him a video game he wants in December. So they are trying to buy him his emotions but he knows a lot more than what they think he does. I talked to him a few times about his mom and that he needs to see her but he needs time and with the court day next week he doesn’t have enough. She really doesn’t know the effect she has caused him and she doesn’t care either. She is to selfish to see anything anyone else’s way. So hopefully this will wake her up so she can see what she has done to everybody


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Go to the Marriage Builders website and search for exposure. There is a great section on how to tell your children what is going on in an age appropriate manner.

Ask your lawyer if your son is old enough to have his wishes taken into account.

Did you talk to your doctor? Have you started lifting weights?

Buy some new clothes, get a new haircut, new cologne and be a new man. New hobbies, friends etc. Make use of your time with out your kids to start your new life. It is what you make it. Your ex is dead weight and you will soon see it.


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## Skyborn99 (Jun 5, 2018)

I had to talk to my stbxw today about our son. And it started out fine but than it changed to talk of the court date next Tuesday. She wants to work things out in a room with the lawyers and doesn’t want to go to the judge. I think she is just trying to manipulate me into giving her what she wants. I’m willing to listen but I’m not going to roll over either. I told her I would consider what she wants if she would answer one question. I asked her what was the OM giving her that I was not giving her. She said it was not the time to have this discussion. I told her you owe me at least that answer for what you have caused. She agreed that she owed me that but is not willing to tell me at this time. She said we would discuss it at another time and she would tell me. I don’t think she really will I think she is just trying to push all of it to the side. I told her we need to talk about a lot of things and that she needs to be honest with me because she keeps deflecting all my questions. She said she doesn’t answer them because of how mad I get but I don’t get made I get angry when she says things like I can’t confirm nor deny that and says that I won’t like the answer but she won’t tell me the answer. So my question is do you all think she will ever tell me the answers to these things or is she just playing me. The temp Oder will be done Tuesday so I don’t know if she is just waiting. She has no second thought of giving up the last 17 years.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Skyborn99 said:


> So my question is do you all think she will ever tell me the answers to these things or is she just playing me.


She's messed up and her head is full of mumbo-jumbo. If she gave you an answer, it would be something wacko like "He makes me see rainbows in the shadows and feel like I am finally living the life God wants me to live." Does any of that make sense? No, but somehow it's what she thinks. 

In addition, you are totally feeding her ego by wanting to know. In her mind, she sees herself a princess on her throne while you grovel for her to throw a tiny morsel in your direction. Don't give her that power!! Any answer she gives you won't give you any satisfaction anyway, and the fact that you show interest in her builds up her esteem. Ignore her and move on so she feels as desired as a discarded tissue in the trash.


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## manknot (Jun 22, 2018)

That was harsh. She said it on your bday??But then it was hard for some couples to make love work the second time around sometimes due to the couple aren't feeling the same way anymore. 16yrs was not a joke. But temptation to some people is inevitable...Ask her why she cheated to see if you guys can sort things out.or not.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

wilson said:


> She's messed up and her head is full of mumbo-jumbo. If she gave you an answer, it would be something wacko like "He makes me see rainbows in the shadows and feel like I am finally living the life God wants me to live." Does any of that make sense? No, but somehow it's what she thinks.
> 
> In addition, you are totally feeding her ego by wanting to know. In her mind, she sees herself a princess on her throne while you grovel for her to throw a tiny morsel in your direction. Don't give her that power!! Any answer she gives you won't give you any satisfaction anyway, and the fact that you show interest in her builds up her esteem. Ignore her and move on so she feels as desired as a discarded tissue in the trash.


QFT


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Skyborn99 said:


> I had to talk to my stbxw today about our son. And it started out fine but than it changed to talk of the court date next Tuesday. She wants to work things out in a room with the lawyers and doesn’t want to go to the judge. I think she is just trying to manipulate me into giving her what she wants. I’m willing to listen but I’m not going to roll over either. I told her I would consider what she wants if she would answer one question. I asked her what was the OM giving her that I was not giving her. She said it was not the time to have this discussion. I told her you owe me at least that answer for what you have caused. She agreed that she owed me that but is not willing to tell me at this time. She said we would discuss it at another time and she would tell me. I don’t think she really will I think she is just trying to push all of it to the side. I told her we need to talk about a lot of things and that she needs to be honest with me because she keeps deflecting all my questions. She said she doesn’t answer them because of how mad I get but I don’t get made I get angry when she says things like I can’t confirm nor deny that and says that I won’t like the answer but she won’t tell me the answer. So my question is do you all think she will ever tell me the answers to these things or is she just playing me. The temp Oder will be done Tuesday so I don’t know if she is just waiting. She has no second thought of giving up the last 17 years.


You need to come to terms with the fact that you are NEVER going to know these things. You will NEVER get an answer. And in reality, at this point its irrelevant anyway. It was all ego and selfishness, thats pretty much it in a nutshell, and any details she would give beyond that would all just be bullcrap. Stop asking because you are feeding her ego and giving her way too much power in your life. You will be much better off without someone like this in your life and your home, she is toxic, and you deserve someone who will not betray you.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Skyborn99 said:


> I had to talk to my stbxw today about our son. And it started out fine but than it changed to talk of the court date next Tuesday. She wants to work things out in a room with the lawyers and doesn’t want to go to the judge. I think she is just trying to manipulate me into giving her what she wants. I’m willing to listen but I’m not going to roll over either. I told her I would consider what she wants if she would answer one question. I asked her what was the OM giving her that I was not giving her. She said it was not the time to have this discussion. I told her you owe me at least that answer for what you have caused. She agreed that she owed me that but is not willing to tell me at this time. She said we would discuss it at another time and she would tell me. I don’t think she really will I think she is just trying to push all of it to the side. I told her we need to talk about a lot of things and that she needs to be honest with me because she keeps deflecting all my questions. She said she doesn’t answer them because of how mad I get but I don’t get made I get angry when she says things like I can’t confirm nor deny that and says that I won’t like the answer but she won’t tell me the answer. So my question is do you all think she will ever tell me the answers to these things or is she just playing me. The temp Oder will be done Tuesday so I don’t know if she is just waiting. She has no second thought of giving up the last 17 years.


If she thinks you'll get angry with her answer, and she still wants something from you in the settlement, don't expect to get an answer until after the divorce is final. If ever.


She could just be messing with your head.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Taxman said:


> You stick a fork in her being mother of the year. *I would recommend that you have both her and the AP fired. Then you are in a position to dictate terms. While she is trying to improve her image for the courts, you need to have it pointed out in the worst way possible that her affair is what led to the marriage breakdown. *
> 
> My wife had a little one at work while we were separated. (I had the original affair). I knew that her office and friends would line up behind her. When she told me that she had slept with a guy from work, she expected that I would just accept it.
> 
> ...


You should blow up their careers. Some will say you will have to pay more child support. Not true. The judge bases this on income history. The courts will expect that you'll get a new job with similar salary. 

Have you confronted POS? Some on this board will advise against it but it usually gets results. As for informing the OBS. Do it in person also or at the very least over the phone, that text obviously came from the OM so I doubt the POS' wife knows. 

You want to see the affair end, the guy facing his BW's wrath will have him throwing your wife under the bus, ESPECIALLY if you're able to get the fired.

You need to continue a strict 180. She is not your friend. Wanting to be friendly is strictly to alleviate her guilt for treating the man that adopted her 2 year old son and put a ring on it. (Not something I advise any guys to do) 

You're right that she's getting legal advise to spend more time with the 12 year old. But he's at the age that it's more important to be around a STRONG dad. Being around his mother, who'll probably be bringing different men around the house and putting her emotional energy on them, is just going to alienate him toward destructive behavior.

Start taking care of yourself. Gym, appearance. ETC.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Skyborn99 said:


> I have tried to get him to see her more but she really hasn’t shown interest in him until I served her and since than she takes him to lunch a couple times and asked him to go do something with her during the day on the weekends but it is usually with another one of her family members like her mom and than they go buy him things at the store. Her mom has already promised him a video game he wants in December. So they are trying to buy him his emotions but he knows a lot more than what they think he does. *I talked to him a few times about his mom and that he needs to see her *but he needs time and with the court day next week he doesn’t have enough. She really doesn’t know the effect she has caused him and she doesn’t care either. She is to selfish to see anything anyone else’s way. So hopefully this will wake her up so she can see what she has done to everybody


Why are you trying to fix this for her? You keep wanting her to "get it" but you are the one who isn't "getting it". An affair trumps everything. You, family just dont matter to her.

You can't wake up to reality you'll just wallow in this longer than necessary.

The only one that can keep you in this mess is you.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Skyborn99 said:


> We have two kids. A 19 year old that I adopted from her when he was 2 and a 12 year old that we have together.


*This, and your other acts of "good dude" heroism have no impact on her decision to leave you.*



Skyborn99 said:


> Than April hit and my world ended that month. She went on two business trips in back to back weeks and she wanted use not to talk and give each other space.


*Your repeated money issues and stressors tore down her boundaries and turned on the "must procure new mate" programming. It was over as soon as she mentioned "give each other space".*




Skyborn99 said:


> ...she acts like the last 17 years has never happened.


*They didn't. They have zero impact on her biological urge to bond with the new guy. You've been replaced. Now go talk to a lawyer because this could get really bad really fast. Oh, and read this:*

You can't beat emotion. Stop trying. | Dad Starting Over


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Minor threadjack….
@dadstartingover, start podcasting again.

Return to normal programming.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Skyborn99 said:


> I had to talk to my stbxw today about our son. And it started out fine but than it changed to talk of the court date next Tuesday. She wants to work things out in a room with the lawyers and doesn’t want to go to the judge. I think she is just trying to manipulate me into giving her what she wants. I’m willing to listen but I’m not going to roll over either. I told her I would consider what she wants if she would answer one question. I asked her what was the OM giving her that I was not giving her. She said it was not the time to have this discussion. I told her you owe me at least that answer for what you have caused. She agreed that she owed me that but is not willing to tell me at this time. She said we would discuss it at another time and she would tell me. I don’t think she really will I think she is just trying to push all of it to the side. I told her we need to talk about a lot of things and that she needs to be honest with me because she keeps deflecting all my questions. She said she doesn’t answer them because of how mad I get but I don’t get made I get angry when she says things like I can’t confirm nor deny that and says that I won’t like the answer but she won’t tell me the answer. So my question is do you all think she will ever tell me the answers to these things or is she just playing me. The temp Oder will be done Tuesday so I don’t know if she is just waiting. She has no second thought of giving up the last 17 years.


You should not even care about the answer to the question you are asking her...........Detatch!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If you don’t get a lawyer and act wisely in this divorce, you’re going to wreck your life in a way that will lower your ability to provide for yourself and the lady that you fall in love with in the future. 

Screw what the other guy was giving. This woman should be lower than dirt in your eyes at this point. Before this is all over, I’m sure she will be. Divorce quickly and take full advantage of what conscience she still has.
Her conscience won’t be around long, I’ll assure you.

Had I waited two more days in getting my wife to sign the agreement, I’d be living in a cardboard box and as her indentured servant for 20 more years. Really.

My advice: Turn your life over momentarily to someone not emotionally connected to your life. Please.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Skyborn99 said:


> I had to talk to my stbxw today about our son. And it started out fine but than it changed to talk of the court date next Tuesday. She wants to work things out in a room with the lawyers and doesn’t want to go to the judge. I think she is just trying to manipulate me into giving her what she wants. I’m willing to listen but I’m not going to roll over either. I told her I would consider what she wants if she would answer one question. I asked her what was the OM giving her that I was not giving her. She said it was not the time to have this discussion. I told her you owe me at least that answer for what you have caused. She agreed that she owed me that but is not willing to tell me at this time. She said we would discuss it at another time and she would tell me. I don’t think she really will I think she is just trying to push all of it to the side. I told her we need to talk about a lot of things and that she needs to be honest with me because she keeps deflecting all my questions. She said she doesn’t answer them because of how mad I get but I don’t get made I get angry when she says things like I can’t confirm nor deny that and says that I won’t like the answer but she won’t tell me the answer. So my question is do you all think she will ever tell me the answers to these things or is she just playing me. The temp Oder will be done Tuesday so I don’t know if she is just waiting. She has no second thought of giving up the last 17 years.


I just wish there was some way for you to understand that the answers, the understanding, the closure that you are looking for will never come. 

I can answer some of them, like others can, but I don't know if you can accept it yet or not. 

The thing that the OM gives her most of all, is that he is not you. It really is that simple. She had already checked out of your marriage, she just forgot to tell you. While it would have been nice for her to do that, to let you know, but most don't do that. 

The thing that you have to understand is that her affair has less to do with you and more to do with her lack of character and cowardice. She could have come to you, she could have tried, but she did not. 

It does not matter if her OM is twice as good in bed as you are or half as good as you are. It does not matter if this guy is twice as big as you are or if he is half as big. None of that matters. 

What matters is that she chose to have an affair and now she thinks she is in love and nothing else matters. And I will be honest, she will probably crash and burn in a couple of months or years and maybe look to get back with you. 

But what man, what real actual man, would debase himself to take a woman like this back? I will tell you what kind, a chump. A weak kneed, sissy, that has absolutely no self respect. 

If that the kind of man that you are? 

As much as you hurt, just move forward understanding that you will never understand, ever. 

None of this is on you, it is on her...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Skyborn99 said:


> I did contact the other guys wife and left a message with her to call me. She texted back and told me to worry about my family and she would handle hers and not to contact her again.


This is EXACTLY and I do mean verbatim of what an OM would say if he intercepted the message and would text back to you himself posing as the other BS. 

Have you done any kind of follow up to ensure that the OM's W is aware of the affair?

If his wife is currently clueless, then he is still telling your WW everything she wants to hear and is emboldening her into thinking she will get everything she wants in the D (because she is so fabulous and deserves her every wish y'know) 

But if the affair is destabilized (by him having to put out the fires in his own house) Then she will realize the future she was envisioning was built on a house of cards which is now tumbling down. 

She will be more likely to come to the negotiating table willing to get out alive and with the clothes on her back.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Wallpaper her behavior on social media and with the employer.

Blow it up.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> If you don’t get a lawyer and act wisely in this divorce, you’re going to wreck your life in a way that will lower your ability to provide for yourself and the lady that you fall in love with in the future.
> 
> Screw what the other guy was giving. This woman should be lower than dirt in your eyes at this point. Before this is all over, I’m sure she will be. Divorce quickly and take full advantage of what conscience she still has.
> Her conscience won’t be around long, I’ll assure you.
> ...


She wants doesn't count now. You'd better wake up!!!!


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## Skyborn99 (Jun 5, 2018)

We go to court Tuesday for the temp order. She wanted to negotiate before hand but I told her that I am not backing down from full custody. She has done a horrible job with our son since she moved out and I think she is scared of what the judge might do, but I don’t care about her only my son. A friend told me that she removed the AP from her FB page this weekend for what ever that’s worth. I don’t know if the lawyer told her to do it or not but it doesn’t matter. I just hope that the judge will see it in my favor. And I’m going to send the other mans wife a certified letter after the court date to make sure she knows becuse I found out that she is pregnant with there third kid. I think she should know if she all ready doesn’t. I will post again after the court date.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I'm assuming you are in a no fault state. You could deposition the AP, maybe proof that she spends more time with him and neglects your son?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Skyborn99 said:


> We go to court Tuesday for the temp order. She wanted to negotiate before hand but I told her that I am not backing down from full custody. She has done a horrible job with our son since she moved out and I think she is scared of what the judge might do, but I don’t care about her only my son. A friend told me that she removed the AP from her FB page this weekend for what ever that’s worth. I don’t know if the lawyer told her to do it or not but it doesn’t matter. I just hope that the judge will see it in my favor. *And I’m going to send the other mans wife a certified letter after the court date to make sure she knows *becuse I found out that she is pregnant with there third kid. I think she should know if she all ready doesn’t. I will post again after the court date.


For a nominal fee you should have it hand delivered to make sure she gets it. During other mans working hours. He'll be watching the mail.


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## Skyborn99 (Jun 5, 2018)

I don’t know how I would be able to prove that. They saw each other at work and at lunch and right after work. I don’t have proof to show the court. I have messages from a friend of hers that she told everything to. I could call her to court but my lawyer hasn’t said anything like that to me. He told me the affair doesn’t matter here. I will look into the hand delivery. Thanks.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Good luck Tuesday. Make sure you are well prepared your sons future depends on it. My brother took his two sons to court with him as they wanted to stay with him. He ended up with full custody.

It can be done


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Why did she do it? Because she is a cheating adulter. On top of that she is a bow wrecker times two. What kind of person does that? Think about the lives she has trashed to get her jollies. Tell her what I just posted and THANK HER for letting you and your kids know what kind of bottom feeding person she is. Tell her in future you want no personal contact with her and only texts about kids will be entertained.

Double check to see if his wife really knows and offer any kind of assistance if she needs any. The two of you are the victims of abuse.


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## Skyborn99 (Jun 5, 2018)

Just got done with court. I asked for full custody and child support did not get everything I wanted. Ended up with joint custody with me being primary and she has visitation Friday through Sunday every other weekend and two days every other week but no overnight stay than. She has to go to counseling with our son and will be re evaluated in 45 days. She also has to pay for his extra out side activities to make up for the debt I’m taking. I don’t think I ended up to bad but will have to wait and see. The best part about it was she broke down in front of her lawyer when she had to sign the papers she was going crazy throughn her hands all over the place and her lawyer had to take her to another room to calm her down. That was the first time I have seen her cry at all even when she asked for the divorce. Than I walked out after signing it with my lawyer will she was still crying to hers.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Don't like the part where you are counting on her to pay future extra-curriculars (betting 50/50 that she actually delivers on that), but oh well...it's over now.

The future is bright Skyborn! 

Good luck!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She was crying for herself not you.

Not your problem anymore.

Hard no contact


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So why did they go with joint custody for now? Did your son let them know he doesn't wish to be with mom? You did good though. And boo frickin hoo for her, she chose this, so she needs to suck it up, buttercup.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> And boo frickin hoo for her, she chose this, so she needs to suck it up, buttercup.


You know, it seems like all of them boo hoo at the signing of things. The just, and I mean barely, start to understand what a **** Storm they have chosen to make of their lives. 

And then they start to feel sorry for themselves. I almost burst out laughing when my Ex pulled that stuff. 

I mean I tried for year to get her to wake up, and NOW you are sad about what you have done to yourself. 

Really?


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## Skyborn99 (Jun 5, 2018)

Have a question for you all. Just had the court date yesterday and now she has to set up counseling sessions with her and my son. My question is does it get easier to let go and not have control or a say in what is going on between her and my son. She is in control of the sessions and his activities which I have talked to the team manager a couple of Times to keep me informed but my xw and them are good friends so I don’t get all the info all the time. I don’t know if anyone has had this kind of situation or not and is there anything I can do. I do not like to be kept in the dark.and find things out last min. I guess I will just have to get used to it over time.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Get used to it.

Her time is her time. Your time is your time.

You have little or NO control over her time. Period.


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## Skyborn99 (Jun 5, 2018)

I don’t know why it bothers me so bad, but we had court Tuesday and a friend of mine from her work texted me and told me that she locked her self in her office with the AP for a few hours because she was so up set about court. So I now know that the affair is not over because she ran right to him and cried her eyes out to him because she didn’t get what he told she was going to get from the divorce. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by this and thinking it was over they just kept it on the low and she is showing who she really is. She also skipped our sons counseling session Wednesday to switch bedrooms with our oldest son because he has a door to outside in his room and the judge ruled them to switch. She couldn’t even take an hour to meet his counselor and this is the second week she missed it. I don’t know if she will get through the 45 days of counseling the court ordered for her and our son. I just wish her running back to him didn’t make me feel so angry again. Any advice would be great. Thanks.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Skyborn99 said:


> I don’t know why it bothers me so bad, but we had court Tuesday and a friend of mine from her work texted me and told me that she locked her self in her office with the AP for a few hours because she was so up set about court. So I now know that the affair is not over because she ran right to him and cried her eyes out to him because she didn’t get what he told she was going to get from the divorce. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by this and thinking it was over they just kept it on the low and she is showing who she really is. She also skipped our sons counseling session Wednesday to switch bedrooms with our oldest son because he has a door to outside in his room and the judge ruled them to switch. She couldn’t even take an hour to meet his counselor and this is the second week she missed it. I don’t know if she will get through the 45 days of counseling the court ordered for her and our son. I just wish her running back to him didn’t make me feel so angry again. Any advice would be great. Thanks.


Wish I could say something that could help you in this instant to relieve the pain but the truth is, it will come in good time but it's going to be around for a while. Take solace in the fact that the pain that exists now is normal and you will be feeling it for a while but it will get better. It's tough in our situation to see through to the other side sometimes but that's when we have to take the word for it, from the people that have gone through this and reached the other side. The people that can see a clearer picture of what we are dealing with because their eyes aren't fogged by the emotional attachment we have to these STBXWs, that have just morphed into someone that doesn't resemble what we married and is gone forever or someone that was really not who we thought they were all along.

It's especially tough when we have kids but that also places a check, so that we have to be strong ... for our kids. Just one step at a time, forward and then it will become easier as time heals and we start to see the other side. We'll get there dude.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Skyborn99 said:


> I don’t know why it bothers me so bad, but we had court Tuesday and a friend of mine from her work texted me and told me that she locked her self in her office with the AP for a few hours because she was so up set about court. So I now know that the affair is not over because she ran right to him and cried her eyes out to him because she didn’t get what he told she was going to get from the divorce. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by this and thinking it was over they just kept it on the low and she is showing who she really is. She also skipped our sons counseling session Wednesday to switch bedrooms with our oldest son because he has a door to outside in his room and the judge ruled them to switch. She couldn’t even take an hour to meet his counselor and this is the second week she missed it. I don’t know if she will get through the 45 days of counseling the court ordered for her and our son. I just wish her running back to him didn’t make me feel so angry again. Any advice would be great. Thanks.


Didn't everyone tell you that the affair was still on going. I would have to look back, but did not several people say that it was still going? 

I mean you had to know that it was still going on, right. 

Brother, you have got to let go of thinking that you have some type of control over anything. You don't.

You have control over you, that is it...


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Are you in IC?

I see a lot of "I wish", "how could she", " why did she", and "why won't she tell me".

Accept that you cannot understand the mind of a cheating spouse and will likely never get any truthful answers from her.

A good counselor can help you accept the situation that she has created and get over her.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

TDSC60 said:


> Are you in IC?
> 
> I see a lot of "I wish", "how could she", " why did she", and "why won't she tell me".
> 
> ...


Yep, you need to accept that she's a lying cheater and quit hoping she'll "get it". It's a waste of your time.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

All the questions you have for your POS EXWW. I don’t understand why you asked for advice and yet you don’t take it. Why don’t you blow them up at her work.? And yet you don’t make any effort at all to notify the OMWife By not letting the OMwife know you’re participating in their deceit against her and while she’s pregnant. That’s a very honorable thing to take part in. If you would’ve taken some of the advice he be in a lot better place right now and how come the 12-year-old does know that she had an affair oh you’re protecting her again very good.


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## Skyborn99 (Jun 5, 2018)

I did call the OM wife just don’t know if he intercepted it or not. On the advice from my lawyer I haven’t contacted her work yet and I have a letter written for the OM wife that I will send when it’s final.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Skyborn99 said:


> I did call the OM wife just don’t know if he intercepted it or not. On the advice from my lawyer I haven’t contacted her work yet and I have a letter written for the OM wife that I will send when it’s final.


Really?

Or will that opportunity come and you'll just be the "bigger person"?

I ask because I have a really good friend who totally screwed himself by stalling, stalling, stalling, etc. with exposure.

He's still on this forum years after his divorce.

He's exposed nothing and now wonders why his grown kids play footsie with the cheater.

I know why.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

One thing.... 

Go through your house and pack up stuff that was hers....anything and everything. Especially photos and momentos/knick knacks of places you went to. Books, bedding, dishes, ....anything at all that was more "hers", that you don't really care about. Box it up...tell her to pick it up. 

Paint the walls.
Buy new bedding. 

Claim the space as your own, as opposed to hanging out in the same place "we used to live and love together in"..... it can be refreshing, like a cleansing. Rearrange furniture. Make it a man space....let sons help you. 

Get rid of anything girly. If there are any heirlooms from her side of the family, ask her if she wants them or would she prefer you to store them for sons? Unless they are big pieces of furniture that is not easy to store...then its her problem what to do with them, not yours. (I kept a couple of my ex's mom's things because he wouldn't get them. There was a dining table and chairs too....I kept the table, my daughter kept the chairs.) 

If there is anything sentimental to you, or that you think your son might want some day (especially photos), box them up and store them in the attic. Make sure ALL her clothes and personal things are gone....its kind of fun to shove it all in trash bags. 

Partly clearing her out of your life, literally..... and partly taking control of YOUR LIFE.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

The level of your passivity is frustrating. Why haven't you blown them up at work? Why have you not hand delivered the evidence to his BW? I can't remember if you did or not. But have you expose to her family.

You sound surprised that it was still going on all along. Your wife took OM off of her social media because she was instructed to by her lawyer, also probably co-workers are starting to talk. Co-workers having an affair always think they can pull the wool over everyone's eyes but everyone sees the stolen moments they share, and especially the body language.

She didn't lock herself into her office with OM because she was distraught over the D. Come on dude, they were very likely "celebrating."

Right now it's time to prepare for your new life. She's no longer your concern and unfortunately she can pretty much do anything with the kids on her time. 

Start working on becoming a confident self-reliant man. Going through this divorce, your kids are going to need a strong dad now more then ever. Your wife has been emotionally MIA for months, so your kids are feeling abandoned. Everyone thinks that that since teens are older, they can handle divorce easier that young kids can but everything I've seen, is that teens are hit harder and their lives truly crash and burn, especially teen boys.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

jsmart said:


> The level of your passivity is frustrating. Why haven't you blown them up at work? Why have you not hand delivered the evidence to his BW? I can't remember if you did or not. But have you expose to her family.
> 
> You sound surprised that it was still going on all along. Your wife took OM off of her social media because she was instructed to by her lawyer, also probably co-workers are starting to talk. Co-workers having an affair always think they can pull the wool over everyone's eyes but everyone sees the stolen moments they share, and especially the body language.
> 
> ...


Everything after the bolded, I fully agree with but because of that and the stage it is in, I don't think the first part is of really any importance. In fact, doing that stuff would probably drag him deeper into the feelings and association he has with this STBXW.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Skyborn99 said:


> Have a question for you all. Just had the court date yesterday and now she has to set up counseling sessions with her and my son. My question is does it get easier to let go and not have control or a say in what is going on between her and my son. She is in control of the sessions and his activities which I have talked to the team manager a couple of Times to keep me informed but my xw and them are good friends so I don’t get all the info all the time. I don’t know if anyone has had this kind of situation or not and is there anything I can do. I do not like to be kept in the dark.and find things out last min. I guess I will just have to get used to it over time.


If you want to let go, you NEED to let go. Just talking about it and looking at your navel will get you nowhere. Have you read the 180. Have you defined 5 things that you can actively do, just for you? And repeat them to build a sense of normalcy? You need to do this now. When you get the kid, have activities lined up for him and do things only YOU and HIM can do. Build that sense of bonding that make dads so invaluable. Make sure you are maintaining your living space in a neat and orderly way. Maintain a good hygiene regimen (remember: you kid is paying attention) and make good and sound physical training goals. This will do tremendous in the future for building a good and healthy ego and a sense of discipline.

Lastly, you see....I never mentioned (her). She is irrelevant and not needed in you life. You need to limit her contact with you to just the kid. Nothing more. Stop listening to the whining, stop feeling her anxiety. She earned it, now she is gonna eat it. Time to move on. You will be okay.


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## Skyborn99 (Jun 5, 2018)

I have stoped trying to understand and I have limited to just text from her about our son. I am in IC and so is he. I have him majority of the time. She only has him every other weekend right now. She is to go to counseling with him and be reevaluated in 45 days but she only has 3 sessions scheduled. So I’m hoping that is not enough and she screws up so I can be award full custody. My lawyer told me not to do anything that can come back to me until it’s finalized. I do plan on letting there work know and what ever famliy members don’t know but I’m not going to jeopardize anything until I’m sure I can’t get what I want and what my son wants. I try and avoid her at his soccer games and practice as much as I can. She always ends up interrupting my conversation with other parents so I just walk away and go off by my self. If that’s the way she wants to be she can. I don’t need or want the drama anymore and if the parents don’t see what’s she is doing than that’s on them. She can try and spin it in her favor with them all she wants but the people that need to know they all ready know the truth.


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