# Difficult Mother - Finding it hard to tolerate her.



## rocknrolla

Hi all,

I was wondering if anyone here may have experienced a similar issue, or can offer me advice concerning my mother. When I was younger, my mother and I were very close, but as I got older, I felt this started to change (We also don't live close to one another, so distance also plays a factor as I moved for college).

One thing my mom has never been able to do is apologize, and she never seems to think she is in the wrong, and this has become so much of an issue lately, I am really starting to resent her. 

Here are some examples, so you can get a better idea of what I am talking about.

1. I got a puppy recently (I am 28 years old, and live alone in an apartment that I pay for). When I mentioned I was getting a puppy I had 20 questions. What are you going to do with it as you're at work all day, what about vet bills or if you go on vacation.....all questions that to be honest I don't really think have anything to do with her, and aren't her concern, nor business. She does not live with me and I am not a child. When I told her I got him she sent me an eye roll emoji, but then started asking questions about him and likes the pictures I put of him on Facebook. I find this kind of two faced, because she looks great to everyone else, but no one knows what I have dealt with behind the scenes (she commented on one picture "can't wait to see him when I visit)."

2. Whenever I am going on a date she asks a ton of questions. Who is he, what does he do, is he divorced, does he have kids, because these are all things I guess she has feelings on....like viewing kids as baggage. Again, not her business.

3. One time I bought a dress for new years which has a slight gap above the tummy area (it was the design of the dress), and she asked to see a picture of it. When I sent it she said it was nice, but would it show through belly flab (not kidding). I do not work out, but I am by no means fat, and when I called her out on it saying it was extremely rude and instigated I was fat, she said I had taken it the wrong way and she wasn't calling me fat.

She also has this way of twisting things when I call her out, and it always ends in her saying I am always picking a fight (because I call her out), and then she will say she isn't talking to me anymore and won't read my messages on Facebook, nor contact me again until I reach out to her.

She also never calls me and I get tired of being the one to always call her. If I don't call and a week or so goes by, she will message me asking if something is wrong as she hasn't heard from me. Also she will never apologize. In my whole life she has never apologized for anything, and will never say she is sorry if she said something that was hurtful or upsetting to me. She will just not talk, and I feel she twists things and somehow tries to make it seem that I am the one picking fights, when I merely call her out when she is in my opinion, sticking her nose in where it doesn't belong.

I know this might sound petty to some of you, but this is starting to become a big problem. I am tired of letting things go and her not owning things she does that are wrong, and avoiding it until I speak to her again. Does anyone have any advice? I don't know why she is this way with me.


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## Tatsuhiko

1. She's just meddling and controlling. I have the same problem with my mother. I just tune it out and ignore it. That has the added benefit of making her angry.

2. She just wants what is best for you. She wants you to have a "clean" unencumbered husband. This is something I'd want for my own kids. But again, tune her out.

3. There are a million men on this website who would have loved the picture, so who cares what your mother thought of it?

Just do a semi-disengagement from her. When she's exuding positivity, include her in your life and talk to her. When it becomes negative, just bow out and stay silent for a few days. End the call when she starts getting critical. Don't respond to the critical emails. Just speed-read scan them with your eyes to make sure you're not missing some important news. 

When she calls you to ask what is wrong and why you've been so quiet, respond tersely like "everything's fine, nothing to worry about." Just enough to make her go away for a while. But don't let her manipulate you into getting worked up about it. Tell her you'll talk to her when you have the time. 

There are people that are just not capable of an apology. You just have to be the bigger person and swallow it. If it's any consolation, she'll probably have a moment just before she passes away where she sees all the hurt she caused in her life. It will be the most painful, regret-filled moment of her life. People who have come back from near-death experiences have described this moment as something akin to torture. So at some point you'll at least be able to say "I told you so" even though she can no longer hear you.


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## Ursula

OH my goodness, @rocknrolla, your post could've been written by me, except switch out 28 for 40!  @Tatsuhiko had some good advice that I would echo. Other than that, I'm really not sure what to tell you. I just wanted to let you know that there are others out there in the same boat.


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## peacem

Sounds just like my husband's mother. Even the dog story - but my MIL told us to 'get rid of it' and refused to even acknowledge her. 

The best rational explanation we have been able to come up with is that she is very narcissistic, possibly even NPD but obviously we will never truly get to the bottom of her controlling, critical, polarized behaviour.

Control freaks are usually preoccupied with fear of what others will think - even admitting they have anxieties is a form of weakness and therefore social shame. Its easier for them to control the world than to deal with their hidden fears. Apologising is also a sign of weakness - people may think less of them. 

The dating 20 questions is also about anxiety - that you will pick someone not good enough (loosely translated as you may find someone that will embarrass her). Or it could be a fear of abandonment. Probably more the latter than former. Controlling mothers are very threatened by their children settling down, getting married etc, because they then have to work even harder to control everything (easy with the one you raised from a baby, not so easy for a newcomer who is used to doing his/her own thing).

Controlling mothers are often shallow about appearances and will scrutinize their own children more than a stranger in the street. What will people think!? 

Your mother also is passive aggressive (so is my MIL). Ignoring your adult children is really, really childish and toxic. I cannot imagine ignoring my daughter. In short she is punishing you for suggesting she is less than perfect. Rather than listening to you and learn to do things differently for the sake of your relationship - that's what healthy people do. Guilt is a powerful tool for these types. Twisting something out of recognition to what actually happened can also be a form of gaslighting so be careful with that. 

You might want to keep a journal of exactly what has been said to you, text messages, emails etc so you have a point of reference when she twists things. You probably struggle with boundaries and need to learn from scratch how healthy boundaries work. When she is criticizing you, you could use several techniques for dealing with it. Give stock answer "I'm sorry you feel like that...." (then carry on exactly as you are), change the subject to benign subject or excuse yourself to leave the room, or you can gently laugh at her ("Oh Mom you are so funny"). But whatever you do don't let her think she is in control for a minute because you are rewarding her behaviour each time you give in. 

Facebook is usually a wonderful playground for this type of personality. They can keep up appearances, but also public shame people (or deliberately hurt people by ignoring them or do oneupmanship). If possible it is better to take FB out of the equation so its one less route to get under your skin.

I don't think what you say is petty at all. I have seen my MIL send 4 out of 5 children to therapy because of her behaviour, they all suffer from anxiety and depression. One has borderline personality disorder (I believe this stems from constant criticism when she was growing up, to passive aggresive ignoring, to over praising and spoiling. She never learned any stability or that she was likeable or loveable for her whole being). Not saying you are anything like this but to make a point of how psychologically damaging it can be.

Have you thought about limiting the time you spend with her? My H finds once a month for a few hours more than enough. It took her a long time to except it though - painful at first but better in the long run.


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## Magnesium

You're discovering your mother is a Narcissist. 

Read up, develop and enforce strict boundaries, quit telling her things about your life, and let go of wishing she was anything other than what she is because she will never, ever change.


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## nice777guy

rocknrolla said:


> I find this kind of two faced, because she looks great to everyone else, but no one knows what I have dealt with behind the scenes (she commented on one picture "can't wait to see him when I visit)."She also has this way of twisting things when I call her out, and it always ends in her saying I am always picking a fight (because I call her out), and then she will say she isn't talking to me anymore and won't read my messages on Facebook, nor contact me again until I reach out to her.
> 
> She also never calls me and I get tired of being the one to always call her. If I don't call and a week or so goes by, she will message me asking if something is wrong as she hasn't heard from me. Also she will never apologize. In my whole life she has never apologized for anything, and will never say she is sorry if she said something that was hurtful or upsetting to me. She will just not talk, and I feel she twists things and somehow tries to make it seem that I am the one picking fights, when I merely call her out when she is in my opinion, sticking her nose in where it doesn't belong.


On one hand its normal for parents to ask questions. "Have you considered that dogs are a lot of responsibility?" "Who is this man you are going out with - what do you know about him - are you sure you'll be safe with him?" And even "Is that dress a little tight / revealing?" That's normal.

The rest of the stuff isn't normal - sorry you are having to deal with this.

Can you limit what she can see on your Facebook page? Limit her from making comments?

How do YOU feel when you don't talk to her for days? Do you worry about her? Or do you find that you are happier with limited interaction?


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## peacem

nice777guy said:


> On one hand its normal for parents to ask questions. "Have you considered that dogs are a lot of responsibility?" "Who is this man you are going out with - what do you know about him - are you sure you'll be safe with him?" And even "Is that dress a little tight / revealing?" That's normal.
> 
> The rest of the stuff isn't normal - sorry you are having to deal with this.


I actually think the above would be normal for a child the age 16-21. At 28 I would consider it to be fairly infantalizing. Unless OP is spectacularly immature or has mild learning difficulties its really non of her mother's business. One of the toughest things we have to learn as parents is to look the other way when our adult children are doing things 'wrong' and let them get on with their lives and work it out for ourselves. Unfortunately its not our job to approve or dissapprove of their choices unless they are doing something seriously harmful. 

I agree the other stuff is more overtly dysfunctional.


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## nice777guy

peacem said:


> I actually think the above would be normal for a child the age 16-21. At 28 I would consider it to be fairly infantalizing. Unless OP is spectacularly immature or has mild learning difficulties its really non of her mother's business. One of the toughest things we have to learn as parents is to look the other way when our adult children are doing things 'wrong' and let them get on with their lives and work it out for ourselves. Unfortunately its not our job to approve or dissapprove of their choices unless they are doing something seriously harmful.
> 
> I agree the other stuff is more overtly dysfunctional.


That's fair. 

I'm dealing with my own kids in the age range you referenced, and I'm frequently told by one of them that I ask too many questions. Questions can just be a way of expressing concern or interest. But given the other behaviors and the age of OP, you are probably correct.


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## brooklynAnn

I still buy dresses for my 21 dd. I ask her alot of questions about her boyfriend and what they do because I would like to know whats going on in her life. But I don't need to know everything.

But I don't put her down or talk down to her. She know what my feelings will be about certain things. I am have learned to keep my opinion quiet on certain things because she needs to learn on her own.

I find that my job now has changed with regards to her. I have always supported and encouraged her. I think thats what my main course of action is nowadays. She needs to open her wings and learn to fly. I am just her safety net, incase.

Like she said, if all the things that you taught me until now, did not stick. Then, i am in trouble.

I would advice to not tell your mum everything. She does not need to everything you do. And when she is negative and saying things that bothers you, tell her. My daughter have no problem telling me that mum, I dont need you to tell me this or this. I am not offended when she puts me in my place. It means she is growing and not a small child.

Get in the habit of saying exactly what you need from her and tell her. If she is offended then, next time dont talk about those things with her. 

Good luck.


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## uhtred

Sounds familiar to me too - not my mother by my mother in law dealing with my wife. 

Best we could do is to be polite but otherwise ignore her.


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## Cynthia

I think you're being way too hard on your mother. She's interested in your life and concerned about you.

While she is expressing concern about the puppy, that doesn't mean she isn't going to like your dog. I think it's a stretch to think she's being two faced about the dog. Let her say her piece and let it go. I'd recommend saying something to the effect of, "Thanks, Mom. I've got it covered." If she keeps it up, tell her that you are uncomfortable with the conversation and the abruptly change the subject to the weather. Like, "Mom, I'm feeling uncomfortable with the direction of this conversation, so let's talk about the weather." I've used that approach and people usually think it's kind of funny.

She didn't call you fat. Likely she wouldn't wear a dress like that, because her tummy isn't perfect and she has an opinion that only women with six pack abs should wear them. It's okay. She wants you to be happy. That's why she said that.

You get the point. Let these things slide and don't hold them against her. I don't think she's trying to control you. I think she wants her opinion to be valued and she wants to be part of your life. However, I don't know why she doesn't call you. Have you told her that you'd like it if she called you more often?

Lighten up and cut her some slack. Your mother is concerned about you and living so far apart is probably hard on her.


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## Ursula

brooklynAnn said:


> I still buy dresses for my 21 dd. I ask her alot of questions about her boyfriend and what they do because I would like to know whats going on in her life. But I don't need to know everything.
> 
> But I don't put her down or talk down to her. She know what my feelings will be about certain things. I am have learned to keep my opinion quiet on certain things because she needs to learn on her own.
> 
> I find that my job now has changed with regards to her. I have always supported and encouraged her. I think thats what my main course of action is nowadays. She needs to open her wings and learn to fly. I am just her safety net, incase.
> 
> Like she said, if all the things that you taught me until now, did not stick. Then, i am in trouble.
> 
> I would advice to not tell your mum everything. She does not need to everything you do. And when she is negative and saying things that bothers you, tell her. My daughter have no problem telling me that mum, I dont need you to tell me this or this. I am not offended when she puts me in my place. It means she is growing and not a small child.
> 
> Get in the habit of saying exactly what you need from her and tell her. If she is offended then, next time dont talk about those things with her.
> 
> Good luck.


 @brooklynAnn, I think you deserve Mother of the Year award for this! You've raised your daughter to be a strong, confident woman, and you obviously have the utmost respect for her. The world needs more Moms like you.


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## brooklynAnn

Ursula said:


> @brooklynAnn, I think you deserve Mother of the Year award for this! You've raised your daughter to be a strong, confident woman, and you obviously have the utmost respect for her. The world needs more Moms like you.



Thank you. I knew what kind of mother not to be because i had a crappy one. So, I tried to be one that my kids will love and respect.


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## Bobby5000

First, you need to stop worrying about making mom happy. Some moms are difficult and critical, that's just the way they are. You need to realize mom won't change, there are people who are heavy who remain heavy, some who good at golf and others aren't. You accept people for who they are and if you're comfortable with yourself, don't worry whether they're happy you got a dog or not. "Whenever I am going on a date she asks a ton of questions." After the third question, if you're uncomfortable, you simply say mom I need to go, have a great day.


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## Mr.Married

Until you set up your clear and defined boundaries with her you will only get more of the same. The more you engage her and get mixed in, the more she knows she has influence over you.
Disengage...... I'm not saying totally ignore her but be polite and SHORT. Your 28 years old, an adult, minimize her influence. When she ask why...tell her exactly why without camouflaged words.
It will be difficult in the start but the dynamics will change from control to respect. I'VE BEEN THERE AND DONE THAT.


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## zookeeper

If you don't want your mother involved in the minor details of your life, why do you share these things with her? You say it's none of her business, but you make it her business when you tell her. 

Keep it to yourself and you won't have to worry about her approval.


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## minimalME

To me she comes across like the traditional Jewish/Italian mom. Mouthy. 

I can understand your point of view (how it would begin to grate), but if you are able find the humor in it, and just smile and laugh and say, 'thanks for caring', it would probably make the relationship less stressful for both of you.


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## Diana7

I agree with her about the puppy. If you live alone and are out at work all day its not a good idea to get a dog. They need company, especially at that age. Also they can be very expensive and they need a lot of commitment. One of my children would love to get a rescue dog but as she works full time she knows that it wouldn't be fair. Also dog rescues wont let you adopt a dog if you are out all day. 

As for everything else why do you tell her so much? Do you have to tell her every time you have a date? Or when you buy a dress? I have 3 children who are slightly older than you, and I would think it pretty odd if they told me what clothes they bought.


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## NextTimeAround

Diana7 said:


> I agree with her about the puppy. If you live alone and are out at work all day its not a good idea to get a dog. They need company, especially at that age. Also they can be very expensive and they need a lot of commitment. One of my children would love to get a rescue dog but as she works full time she knows that it wouldn't be fair. Also dog rescues wont let you adopt a dog if you are out all day.
> 
> As for everything else why do you tell her so much? Do you have to tell her every time you have a date? Or when you buy a dress? I have 3 children who are slightly older than you, *and I would think it pretty odd if they told me what clothes they bought.*


Depends on the mother, I guess. I stopped showing stuff that I bought to my mother a long time. she still asks to see what I bought if I go shopping when she's around.

I got tired of her constant need to interject some opinion about what I bought. Usually about price. If I didn't buy it at a deep discount she talks as if I failed.


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## NextTimeAround

> The dating 20 questions is also about anxiety - that you will pick someone not good enough (loosely translated as you may find someone that will embarrass her).


I think with my mother it was totally the opposite. I think she was trying to put a lid on my aspirations and just be happy with what I had. 

It was particularly obvious when I was between marriages and started dating a guy. Ok, he was great with the dinner dates but he was moving too fast. and it unnerved me greatly when he was hassling me to let him move/ squeeze into my place. He started talking abut moving city to be closer to me early on........ I dated him encourage him to be THAT close.

I owned my place (still own it). UK property law is tenant / squatter friendly. From one of the radio programs I also learned, "sleeping" partners /lodgers have even more rights than the platonic kind. He also did some expectations management ie "I'll pay something towards the rent" as a way to suggest, I inferred, "don't expect much while I take away half your living space for you."

Sadly, I had to come to terms with the fact that this was more detail than my mother wanted to process. all she could see was a black, 40 something divorcee (who just happened to be her daughter) having way too many expectations when it came to choosing her next husband Of course, my mother was probably wondering why I wasn't listening to US mainstream (white) media blaring that the majority of black men are in jail and the rest of them are dating white women. My mother certainly listens to that.

She really unnverved me when she said "well, it's well within your rights not to let him move in with you." as if he and I were debating whether to go to the cinema on the weekend and in that faintly sarcastic tone of voice. I'll never forgive her for not showing the requisite outrage suitable when some guy, living in a 3/4 million dollar home of his own (no dependants, no ex wife to pay off) and making 6 figures on someone else's payroll, is trying to railroad me into handing over my freedom and possibly my assets to him. 

I guess due dillgence, even though it's the mature thing to do, gets in the way of a good story.

OP, limit what you tell your mother. If she asks, just say "Fine." This is the price people must pay for their arrogant behavior.


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## SpinyNorman

Don't let her push you around, but be constructive. "I didn't tell you I had a date b/c you were so negative about it last time. That's not your decision. If you can't respect the choices I make, don't criticize. If you aren't going to call me, don't criticize me for not calling you."

Practice what you preach. If you see any kind of improvement, call it out. 

Do what you can to have a good relationship, but remember you don't have control and you might not. In that case, remember the world is full of people, and some of them are capable of respect. Invest yourself in them.


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