# In a sexless marriage does your spouse know you masturbate?



## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Good morning

If you are in a sexless relationship.

1) Does your spouse know you masturbate.?

2) What are there comments on you masturbating?


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

I'm not sexless, but I get it a lot less than I would like. I masturbate frequently. 

1. He has never asked, and I think he assumes I don't. Or maybe he assumes I do and he pretends like he doesn't know. Who cares.

2. He doesn't care. At least then I'm not bugging him. lol. 

If he asked I would tell him honestly, but I see no needs to flaunt it around. It would probably just hurt his feelings.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

If you are sexless cause you are constantly rubbing one out to porn....that is a big problem. A discussion is in order. If your spouse just doesnt want to have sex with you who cares what he or she thinks about it.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

(Wife knocking on a locked home office door)

(muffled sounds of stuff being tossed under the bed)

(door opens)

*Wife:* _Will you help unclog the drain in the downstairs shower?_

*Me:* _Sure no problem!_​

OK, now that is a usual scenario in which self exploration habits are being made discrete but not hidden. It should be obvious as to what was going on if you have been married. Why would you really need to ask or comment about what was really going on if you already know?

And for those that just don't get it, it is obvious that the wife is trying to masturbate in the shower, but finds the clogged drain too distracting!


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Good afternoon badsanta

Unfortunately you caused the blocked drain in the shower, the drain in only 38 mm diameter, your tissues used in the shower, unfortunately block it. Try installing Saniflo.

Regards

Jacko Jack


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

my ex was sexless. I masturbated frequently.

I suspect she knew I was doing it, but she never said anything. She was morbidly (and pathologically) averse to sex.

I often wondered if she knew.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
In a very low sex relationship. At some point I let my wife know that I masturbated regularly. She was very surprised, said it had never occurred to her.

She claims she never does, but the toys seem to end up in different places regularly.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

richardsharpe;

that's shockingly naive of her. did she grow up a sheltered life?
certainly she's aware most men like a lot of sex. was she married before you? 

and so, after you told her, is she trying to be more accomodating?


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## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

About 8 years ago, I had a short bout with internet porn. My wife confronted me about it and I admitted to watching it. Haven't watched it since. During the process of getting through it, she asked me if I masturbate. I told her I did. She said "I don't want you to do that any more". I said "If you can promise me that you'll never refuse sex, I promise I'll never masturbate." She agreed to that arrangement. She also said that she believes masturbation is a form of sex, and sex with anyone(including yourself) other than your spouse is cheating. I told her I think that's ludicrous, but she believes what she believes. The arrangement I agreed to didn't last long at all. She has no problem refusing sex, so I have a girlfriend named Lubriderm. She doesn't know, at least she doesn't ask. She can't possibly be that naive. I almost wish she would ask so I could tell her "hell yes, I beat it all the time because you are a lousy partner". I actually left the bottle of lotion on my nightstand yesterday on purpose, just to get her to notice it was there and hope she'd ask about it.

EDIT: One thing I'll add, that is worth mentioning, is that even though she backed out of the agreement rather soon after we made it, I still went almost 3 years without masturbating. Quite honestly, even though she didn't hold up her end of the bargain, I still wanted to try to honor her wishes. After 3 years I finally said "F it", and the rest is history.....


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Not sexless anymore--but still a work in progress.

Wife does not and never has masturbated, which made me feel weird about admitting it to her, so for the longest time I denied it.

In trying to open up lines of communication, I'm trying to lead by example with honesty now, so she has been made aware.

As far as her comments--I can tell she's a little weirded out by it, but she has never made any overt effort to shame me or anything.  More like she just can't relate to it.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening jorgegene
There are a surprising number of women (NOT ALL) of my generation (in our 50s) who were brought up with very limited ideas about sex. When that is coupled with a low libedo things can be very frustrating for their partners.

She had very limited experience before we were married (and what she had I think was negative). She isn't interested in learning because she doesn't think its important.

She is not more accommodating because she doesn't think it is important. She thinks it is sort of cute that I still want sex after all these years of being married. I think she thinks I a bit of a perv for wanting it so often. 

She physically enjoys sex but views it as a nice thing to do every month or so, if there isn't anything else important to do.






jorgegene said:


> richardsharpe;
> 
> that's shockingly naive of her. did she grow up a sheltered life?
> certainly she's aware most men like a lot of sex. was she married before you?
> ...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

jacko jack said:


> Good morning
> 
> If you are in a sexless relationship.
> 
> ...



If your spouse has decided that you will be in a sexless marriage, what you do with your genitals is none of their business.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Fitnessfan said:


> During the time my marriage was sexless, my husband did know I masturbated. He didn't encourage or discourage it but it seemed to be ok with him. One time I was trying to get busy with him in bed and after being rejected because he was too tired, I decided to precede to take care of myself right there with him in bed. I was kind of in a wtf I don't care mood, I need to do this. The next morning he was hmmm...wait sorry about last night, I guess you were pretty horny? Yes, I was. Thanks.


a woman next to me in bed masturbating would drive me bat shet crazy, nuts, insane. would not be able to handle it. i'm not even high drive wither, i can assure you. got to be somthin wrong with that boy!


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## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

Fitnessfan said:


> During the time my marriage was sexless, my husband did know I masturbated. He didn't encourage or discourage it but it seemed to be ok with him. One time I was trying to get busy with him in bed and after being rejected because he was too tired, I decided to precede to take care of myself right there with him in bed. I was kind of in a wtf I don't care mood, I need to do this. The next morning he was hmmm...wait sorry about last night, I guess you were pretty horny? Yes, I was. Thanks.


OMG! I may have to lock my office door right now!!!


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening jorgegene
> There are a surprising number of women (NOT ALL) of my generation (in our 50s) who were brought up with very limited ideas about sex. When that is coupled with a low libedo things can be very frustrating for their partners.
> 
> She had very limited experience before we were married (and what she had I think was negative). She isn't interested in learning because she doesn't think its important.
> ...


50's huh? so that means she grew up the the late 60's, early 1970's when free love and sex abounded. no std's or aids (or so we thought) existed back then. just go for it. at least that's what i remember. people were nekkid everywhere. maybe just where i lived?


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

jacko jack said:


> Good morning
> 
> If you are in a sexless relationship.
> 
> 1) Does your spouse know you masturbate.?


My wife has known since before our relationship was sexless.



> 2) What are there comments on you masturbating?


She's never had issue with it. Sometimes watches. Sometimes arranges for me to have the house to myself to indulge myself at leisure. That, too, has been the case since before our relationship became sexless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justamale51 (Mar 20, 2015)

jacko jack said:


> Good morning
> 
> If you are in a sexless relationship.
> 
> ...


Yes, she does. 

Was pretty upfront about telling her this, even before we got married. 

Was off masturbation as long as the sex was regular (didn't need it).

Now, it's the only substitute.

Her comment: you should do it more often; use your hand (as a substitute for sex).

My problem is that why masturbation does offer physical relief, the emotional feel is not the same, neither does one get all the oxytoxin that comes from touching another human!

I can manage 2 times a week solo, but need sex at least once more!


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## justamale51 (Mar 20, 2015)

jorgegene said:


> my ex was sexless. I masturbated frequently.
> 
> I suspect she knew I was doing it, but she never said anything. She was morbidly (and pathologically) averse to sex.
> 
> I often wondered if she knew.


Was she anti-sex all along, or is this something that grew with the length of the relationship?


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## justamale51 (Mar 20, 2015)

Fitnessfan said:


> During the time my marriage was sexless, my husband did know I masturbated. He didn't encourage or discourage it but it seemed to be ok with him. One time I was trying to get busy with him in bed and after being rejected because he was too tired, I decided to precede to take care of myself right there with him in bed. I was kind of in a wtf I don't care mood, I need to do this. The next morning he was hmmm...wait sorry about last night, I guess you were pretty horny? Yes, I was. Thanks.


Something similar. After my wife refused me point-blank sex for the nth time, I was so angry, frustrated and rejected that I wanted to masturbate right there in her bed....

We guys are unlucky in a way... masturbation is not result-less!


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

TheCuriousWife said:


> 2. He doesn't care. At least then I'm not bugging him. lol.





jorgegene said:


> She was morbidly (and pathologically) averse to sex.





richardsharpe said:


> At some point I let my wife know that I masturbated regularly.





justamale51 said:


> Was she anti-sex all along,


ET. AL.

And some people believe there is no hell.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

......does she know that I masturbate?

......she doesn't know if I sleep on my left ...right ...or back side. Since she's chosen to nocturnally inhabit the couch 6 out of 7 nights.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

once our marriage became sexless and my wife showed no interest in changing it, my masturbation habits stopped being any of her business. Once in a long while she will reference it, but she doesn't actually seem to know since I am discrete. 

It's not so much hiding but I don't care if she objects nor do I want her permission.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

justamale51 said:


> Was she anti-sex all along, or is this something that grew with the length of the relationship?


She was frigid from before. She didnt tell me. She had a terrible sexual abuse survivor past which I didnt learn of till it was too late. She trapped me because she needed someone to take care of her. I took the fools bait.

thank God its over.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

I would guess she has figured it out by now. Not a topic for discussion when it is fairly obvious that is what I have been up to.



I know she does. Just a couple of months ago I failed to knock on the way to my office on the far side of the master bath. Glad it works for her.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

Fitnessfan said:


> Yes, that was a very long year for me but things are much better now!


Just curious, Fitnessfan... Do you look anything like your profile pic? If so, I can't see how any straight guy would want to turn down sex with you, not to mention if you're trying to "do it yourself" in the bed beside him.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

I'm a fit and attractive woman in my fifties and been married for just over two years. The marriage became sexless on our wedding day (had sex less than 20 times, just once in the past six months). When my husband had flu recently, I moved into the spare room to avoid being kept awake by his coughing, spluttering, sweating, etc. About a week or so later I initiated the latest "discussion" of our problem. I asked him point blank if he masturbates and he admitted that he doesn't. I then explained to him that not ejaculating on a regular basis puts him at much greater risk of prostate cancer and advised him to start doing so. I also explained to him that not having sex is not good for either of us healthwise and that I would remain in the spare room so that I can have a sex life with myself, reiterating that I can't live without sex and that I'm not willing to risk my health in this way. Since then, I've stayed in the spare room sleeping and he hasn't raised the subject again. In the past, I did consider masturbating whilst lying in bed next to him, but didn't feel comfortable enough to do so because of his total lack of interest in having sex. I did sometimes have a sly no hands involved masturbation now and again, using my vaginal and pelvic floor muscles to bring myself off, though most of my masturbation was done standing up in the bathroom with the fan on so that he didn't hear my vibrator in the next room. Moving into the spare room has made a big difference as I can now masturbate in comfort on a regular basis.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening doobie
yup, having separate bedrooms makes thinks easier.

sigh.


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

justamale51 said:


> We guys are unlucky in a way... masturbation is not result-less!


I can't speak of the men because I know nothing about that, but I have often wondered why so many women don't want sex. After reading something like this pathetic quote, I now know my suspicions are correct in that there must be an awful lot of men who have no idea what they are doing. The only time I refused sex was when I was with a guy who had no clue. While I know there are lots of guys who don't know but still try to learn what women need, there are those who, like my ex, who just don't give a darn. Thus, they would naturally have a sexless or low-sex marriage. Even those who do try can't be guaranteed either because they still don't understand how it is for a woman. 

I realize that's not true in every sexless case, but it is in many if not most. I have no doubt the way many women feel is the same way I felt when I was with him, which was that there was no point. There was nothing in it for me, and, therefore, was NOT an activity that we shared. I wasn't important to him, so he began to mean nothing to me. He was a guy who clearly thought sex was only for the man, and no way was I going to be used as his cum receptacle. I have also found that even men who do try to please their woman have a lot of misconceptions AND they don't know what sex is like for a woman.

Concerning the former portion of that statement, one misconception is that women don't have vaginal orgasms, which is not true. Unfortunately, most women don't even know they can have vaginal orgasms, not until they learn it's possible. Particularly for inexperienced women, they have the desire but don't get results, so they don't know there's so much more to sex for them. Finally, they give up hope in thinking that's all there is. If they are with or married to a man who doesn't know how to please them vaginally, then they don't want to be bothered any more since there's nothing in it for them. They just start feeling used and either want the man to hurry up or don't want to be bothered with the man at all, not even for pity sex.

Concerning the latter portion of that statement, a lot of guys don't know that the act of sex is not the same for a woman as it is for them. Men have a very sensitive area just beneath the tip of the penis, so just being inside her is pleasurable. Women have the clitoris that is sensitive like that, so that's the reason many people - both men and women - think clitoris stimulation is the only way a woman can get off. There is nothing inside the vagina that is sensitive like that, so penetration and humping don't do all that much for her like it does a man. While everyone has at least HEARD of the G-spot (and perhaps also heard of the A-spot too), not everyone knows its purpose or how to stimulate the G-spot during intercourse and that it is extremely pleasurable and will easily bring her to orgasm during intercourse. The same goes for the A-spot too. It does not help your sex life at all and it is a very big hindrance to it to think women enjoy intercourse just because the man penetrated her, and to think that women don't or can't have vaginal orgasms. You may go down on her or give clitoral orgasm with your fingers, but she still has to get through the rest of the sex act. If intercourse is boring and makes her feel used, then she will get to the point of not wanting to do it. She was not born to service you. You should both be pleasing each other. 

I know this doesn't apply to every single individual, so there's no need for ONE woman to tell us how wrong I am as if she sets the rules for all women. Nor do I need the guys to boast of their self-proclaimed sexual prowess and master skills and that their wife is just frigid. I am saying it applies to most people because it isn't possible for there to be SO MANY women who have zero interest in sex. So, I'm sorry if that offends anyone's sensibilities and inflated image they have of themselves. In most cases, if your wife is not interested in sex, it's not her. It's that she has given up hope that there is anything in it for her. So, most of you simply have to accept that fact and can stop complaining that when she finally gives in, it's not enjoyable because she's not into it. She's not into it because YOU think you are giving her something to get into just because you are inside her, but you're not. So, set your egos aside and either figure out how a woman's sexual organs work and where they are located, or stay in a sexless marriage. It's up to you and doesn't matter to me one way or another what you do because I'm certainly not trying to argue with you. My husband has no such complaints because I LOVE IT when he reaches for me.

People here need to stop saying "Your wife does not respect you" when a guy complains she won't give him sex. It's not about her disrespecting him in most cases. It's usually about him disrespecting her when they are not in the bedroom. That is another reason women don't want sex. The way they are treated by their man. Some people don't realize that abuse is far more than just physical. So, don't think that just because you are not beating her that you're not being abusive. Any unkindness(es) will turn your woman off from you. What you have to realize is your woman follows your lead. If you neglect her, don't bother listening to her, call her names, criticize her, always have snide remarks, etc., then you deflate her and turn her off. She not only has zero reason to be considerate of your sexual needs but the worse you do and more often you mistreat her, she gets to the point that she is literally repulsed and disgusted by even the THOUGHT of you touching her. It's the way most women are, and that is what YOU do to us. So you might as well stop complaining about your marriage being sexless and do some self reflecting and/or start learning how to make intercourse enjoyable for her. It is NOT an impossibility, and, just like you, a woman will want more of what feels good. It is just that simple. Even if she's not in the mood, which may often be the case, if you treat her right she will not want to turn you away. And, she will GET in the mood once it gets good to her, so she'll get into it if you are bothering to give her something to get into.

Just a note: I'm afraid that in many instances you cannot ask your wife to help you learn to please her because she doesn't know either. You will have to learn by books or web articles or whatever. As I implied earlier in my response, women don't know either, so they say things like "I don't/can't have vaginal orgasms." A woman who has never been pleased in that fashion obviously doesn't know she CAN be. Most of us learn by men who learned their skills before meeting us. It's great for people to learn together, but it normally doesn't work out that way.


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

intheory said:


> I really liked your post, Carla. Lots of good ideas.
> 
> I disagree a bit about men being responsible for learning the pleasure spots in a woman's anatomy. It's a very romantic idea. But I have come to believe that a woman should find out about these things on her own. It's her body, she will get to have the mind-blowing orgasm if she learns the location of these places within her own body; and how to stimulate them.
> 
> If her man, however, doesn't enthusiastically want to share this with her, and do what he can to get to all the right places; then yes, shame on him.


I would like to agree with you, Intheory, because you make a very good point....in theory. But, I cannot agree because all the theory and philosophy in the world can't help "sexless marriage" being the #1 complaint among men. Are you following me yet since you didn't the first time? Okay, I'll try a 3rd time.....

If a man wants to please his wife in bed so that SHE is less likely to turn him away, then it would, it seems to me, behoove him to learn how to do it. These are men complaining that I'm talking about. Their wives are not the ones here doing the complaining. 

So, they can follow your theory of it being HER responsibility to learn how she needs to be pleased if they want....that is, if another 2, 5, 10, and 15 years of a sexless marriage while waiting for her to do that somehow makes an ounce of sense to them. In which case, I'm sure they will be pleased with you *liking* all their posts of complaint like you did in this thread. That will surely get them through the night of imagined orgasms every time you hit the like button, I've no doubt.

Or, they can take it upon themselves to make the effort in hopes of improving their sex life and the frequency. Those are their options - my suggestion or yours.

I cannot disagree that women should learn their own bodies and take responsibility for their pleasure, but I honestly don't understand why you thought it was a good idea to take exception since I explained the common problem in detail.....more than once.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

intheory said:


> I disagree a bit about men being responsible for learning the pleasure spots in a woman's anatomy. It's a very romantic idea.





CarlaRose said:


> If a man wants to please his wife in bed so that SHE is less likely to turn him away, then it would, it seems to me, behoove him to learn how to do it.


Here's the thing ladies. If ya'll are with men who have not learned how to please their woman, you're with the wrong man. Some men are experts. Plenty of others have the ambition to learn. Both types have made it a priority.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

CarlaRose said:


> I would like to agree with you, Intheory, because you make a very good point....in theory. But, I cannot agree because all the theory and philosophy in the world can't help "sexless marriage" being the #1 complaint among men. Are you following me yet since you didn't the first time? Okay, I'll try a 3rd time.....
> 
> If a man wants to please his wife in bed so that SHE is less likely to turn him away, then it would, it seems to me, behoove him to learn how to do it. These are men complaining that I'm talking about. Their wives are not the ones here doing the complaining.
> 
> ...




Are your explanations always correct and clear? 



Do you expect others to never take exception to what you explain, especially after explaining it more than once?



Is there something wrong with someone *liking* a post?



Maybe it just caught me at the wrong time or something, but your post above sounds condescending to me.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I agree, it came off very condescending. Your spouse doesn't want to have sex as much as you? You are obviously a poor lover. As if it doesn't feel bad enough to be rejected on such a deep level by your spouse already. 

You are probably with a partner who won't do anything but missionary, won't let you give oral, is unphased by romance or sexy clothing, won't talk about sex, has better things to do. 

It's obviously because you are a bad lover. 

I think rather sex drive is something that is inate and a mismatch in this area is the number one cause of marital grief. Numerous specialists say this cannot be changed or cured. The most you can do is hope for a cognitive adjustment where you're spouse will find some motivation to have regular sexual relations. However it isn't likely that their own bodies will drive them to it. 

Any time on this board shows there are women who cum, multiple times when they do have sex, but don't ever want to do it. 

Also women who don't or can't orgasm who want it more than their men. 

And yes, there are selfish ignorant lovers out there but I don't think those men find their way to this site. Why would they? What would make them look for an outlet to talk about their sex lives? After a year here it seems the men on this board are more sexually intelligent than most and want more than anything to please their wives and have a good equal sex life. Those are the men that Google for answers to their problems ans end up here.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

I'd like to raise afew points....

An early poster mentioned that his wife was very LD and had sexual issues because she was a victim of sexual abuse.

Whilst I have not been sexually abused, fortunately, I have in the past had to deal with sexual abuse/assault etc as a cop. It is an awful thing to have happen to you.

However, I have a problem understanding victims of sexual abuse who have sexual 'issues' entering relationships and indeed marriage when they know full well that a sexual relationship with their partner is a key part of the marriage. If you are unable to have sex for whatever reason, don't get involved and certainly don't get married unless your partner is quite happy not to have sex as well. Of course we all have to be understanding...but its a bit like a vegetarian going into an all you can eat meat only bbq. If you can't or don't want to eat meat, go to a veggie restaurant! If you can't or don't want to have sex, stay single.

On the issue of G-spots and bad lovers etc....I would have loved to try to find my wifes G-spot or even A-spot with my tongue, finger, c0ck, vibe....whatever. However she was simply not interested in trying to find it.
If a woman is sexually 'open' to experiments, trying new things, trying to find her G-spot etc then that is wonderful....but if she simply isn't interested and doesn't care about her sexual self, or indeed that of her spouse then there really isn't much hope.

As a result of my wifes attitude towards sex, I have lost ALL sexual (and almost all 'general') interest in her.

So yes, I masturbate. Sometimes I am just horny sometimes if I haven't 'emptied the tanks' for awhile I might need something (porn) to start me off. 
I don't lie in bed next to her jacking off - she's a turn OFF - but I will generally wait till I have the house to myself. I probably jack off six times a month. I'm 50.

I really don't care what she thinks....I don't think she thinks anything anyway because sex, masturbation etc simply isn't on her radar.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

My wife is very orgasmic and simply has a low drive. I have heard many similar stories, and can't agree that it necessarily follows not merely in every case, but even in the majority of cases that the husband is somehow technically deficient or lacking in an ability to please. 

I have gone through a period of low drive myself and I know I can still orgasm but the appeal or energy for sex is simply not there. 

If one spouse expresses sexual dissatisfaction then if they want to stay married and in love they BOTH have the obligaiton to invest time and energy into finding a way that will make them BOTH happy.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening CarlaRose
I assume you are a woman who enjoys sex. As such it may not be easy for you to put yourself in the mind-set of a LD (low desire) woman.

I know how to please my wife physically. I can get her to orgasm in a few minutes if she wants something quick. I am happy to spend long hours in slow erotic lovemaking. I know how to give her quiet orgasms, and wild ones (she gave herself mild whiplash one time). I have never turned her down for anything she has asked for or hinted she would like in bed. 

I am romantic. Love notes, flowers, romantic dinners, vacations to exotic locations. (We've slept in a Roman emperor's palace). I buy her jewelry and silk bathrobes. I bought her a "magic" bottle of massage oil - magic because it came with a promise to give her a massage any time she asks. 

I have always been employed in a good paying, high status job. Yet I balance that with her needs - once leaving an important business meeting an hoping the next flight home from 10,000 kilometers away because she needed me.

I do chores around the house. We have lots of interesting conversations. We sit on the sofa and cuddle while we watch TV. I am tolerably attractive and keep myself neat and clean, and dress reasonably well. 

She simply doesn't want sex, and it is NOT anything I am, or am not doing. 

(sorry, don't meet to tout my awesomeness here - but I think a lot of men, and maybe even more women feel like they are at fault because their partners do not want sex). It is not because we are ugly, abusive, unskilled or anything else, we simply have LD partners and there is nothing on earth we can do about it.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening intheory
He as absolutely no right to be angry at your using toys. 

The is the classic LD problem - not only do they not want sex, they don't want their partners to have sex.




intheory said:


> We have a low sex marriage.
> 
> Yes, I tell him.
> 
> ...


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

intheory said:


> We have a low sex marriage.
> 
> Yes, I tell him.
> 
> ...


Good for you. Don't blame you at all. Hang in there.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Fitnessfan said:


> *There could have been 25 Victoria Secret Angels parading through the bedroom and he would have been like....man, I'm so tired...goodnight! * It was very difficult to not feel like I must be butt ugly and my esteem took a nosedive. I starting working out like a crazy person and trying to dress really nice all the time.....anything to attract his attention/interest/affection. *I honestly don't think people who have never been rejected by their spouse can grasp the effect it can have on your self worth/loneliness/insecurities. And you can't go looking for that connection elsewhere while youre married so you're stuck. It's rough.
> *
> PS. Yes, I look exactly like a badass warrior princess.


My husband is just the same - sex just never enters his mind since we got married, even though he game the impression before marriage that we would have a full and lusty sex life. Being rejected just sucks, as you say - whether it's being rejected directly when you try to initiate or the continual everyday rejection of having a partner who never initiates. You don't get used to how you feel when you're directly rejected - you just get to a point where you stop initiating because you can't stand the humiliation and pain one more time. And the worst part, as Fitnessfan has pointed out is that you can't go looking for what you need elsewhere without abusing your marriage vows. LD spouses who continually refuse to have sex put their partners (of whatever sex) into a truly difficult moral situation. How long can you take the constant humiliation of rejection - it spoils your relationship on every level, no matter how hard you try to be calm, moral and kind about it.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

I sometimes wonder if there is motivation in the rejecting partner to lower the rejected one's self-concept and self-esteem. Perhaps less than conscious motivation.



In any case, it is a powerful dynamic that helps keep the rejected partner from having thoughts of leaving, and at the same time makes her or him less attractive to someone else.



One more reason for someone in our shoes to work on one's own mind and body.


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## some_help (Mar 30, 2015)

jacko jack said:


> Good morning
> 
> If you are in a sexless relationship.
> 
> ...


Not in a sex less marriage but we both masturbate when we are not together (say in different cities due to work). We both know this about other. This is NOT something that we talk about. Probably it's because that she is worried that I may not like her fantasies.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening PieceOfSky
A really interesting thought. How can we know that it isn't calculated. The LD partner doesn't need much sex, so they use it as a means of control. hmm...



PieceOfSky said:


> I sometimes wonder if there is motivation in the rejecting partner to lower the rejected one's self-concept and self-esteem. Perhaps less than conscious motivation.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

I read the title of this thread and my first thought was that if there's a lot of masturbation going on then the marriage really isn't sexless.

It's just.. not sex with the other person.

Still counts though


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Fitnessfan said:


> And you can't go looking for that connection elsewhere while youre married so you're stuck. It's rough.


Why should you suffer for something that's in the "contract" that he fails to provide? Just because he's not up the the task doesn't mean anything is wrong with you so why should your self esteem suffer. Just ditch his azz and find someone who appreciates a woman with some fire in her blood. Same thing goes for Doobie.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Fitnessfan, did you ever figure out why he turned off? My first wife was hot to trot before we married and became a real nag and ice burg afterwards. As a result, I experienced the same feeling of rejection you did. After a number of years wondering what was wrong with me, I had an old classmate give me opportunities that proved nothing was wrong with me. My depression and feeling of worthlessness disappeared. A few years later, I got out of the business when I met and married my current wife and it makes all the difference in the world. I'd never again put up with a ice cold marriage. Its too big of a sacrifice. 
I understand that when you're not in the mood, you're not in the mood. But when it goes on to the point of hurting the one you're suppose to consider the most important, its your fault for not recognizing it and giving it the old college try in an effort to fix it. If they walk because you cannot muster the effort, its your failure, not theirs.


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## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

some_help said:


> Not in a sex less marriage but we both masturbate when we are not together (say in different cities due to work). We both know this about other. This is NOT something that we talk about. Probably it's because that she is worried that I may not like her fantasies.


I used to travel in a band for a living. Phone sex was the norm when I was on the road. It's one thing to call a phone sex line(which I've never actually done) that you know is all an act, but it's a whole different level of arousal when you're wife is on the phone, playing with herself, making authentic noises, and talking dirty while she does it. There were times that I'd come so fast listening to her, but I wouldn't tell her because I wanted to listen to her for as long as possible. There were plenty of times I came twice before we got off of the phone. :smthumbup:

I'm assuming you've done this, but since you mentioned being separated because of work, I thought it's worth mentioning.


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## 1marriedlady (Mar 27, 2015)

I agree it's discouraging and heart breaking when your dear spouse rejects you. You can only try for so long before you give up. 
I miss the connection, the intimacy of being with him. my fingers do the job but I want my hubby. I want the kissing, licking, nipping and touching. I want to be taken. My fingers can't do that.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear 1marriedlady, 

I am sorry for your pain, over the last couple of months, I have realised that I am not alone in the world. I too, miss the touch, hug and little nuances that go with married life, it is not the actual act that I miss it is more the intimacy, my wife seems, cold and aloof. In a way I feel sorry for her, that she is missing that vital ingredient that is married love. She thinks that if I am masturbating, I am committing a crime against humanity. I realise that this is now not a gender issue but one which can effect both genders. She thinks that I should not masturbate, I do not agree with her, I think that the release of sexual tension makes me a better person. She has also financially and physically abused me.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

We used to have sex rarely. Now basically not at all. She knows I masturbate. I leave the room at night to take care of business, come back to bed, roll over, and go right to sleep. She does not discuss it. Doesn't want to know. One night she turned away from me when I got into bed, and held her hands up as if to ward me off. I said "do you really think after I slink off to another room to masturbate, that what I want when I get back into bed is interact with you?" She said "ouch, that hurt". I said "yes, I am sure it did, but not sure it hurt as much as it hurts me that masturbation is the extent of our sex life".

No, I don't expect that will make the situation better. But I don't think anything would (except leaving, which I won't do). So at least I can be honest with her.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

jacko jack said:


> Dear 1marriedlady,
> 
> I am sorry for your pain, over the last couple of months, I have realised that I am not alone in the world. I too, miss the touch, hug and little nuances that go with married life, it is not the actual act that I miss it is more the intimacy, my wife seems, cold and aloof. In a way I feel sorry for her, that she is missing that vital ingredient that is married love. She thinks that if I am masturbating, I am committing a crime against humanity. I realise that this is now not a gender issue but one which can effect both genders. She thinks that I should not masturbate, I do not agree with her, I think that the release of sexual tension makes me a better person. She has also financially and physically abused me.


I wonder how she rationalizes in her head how you are not suppose to masturbate when she denies you intimacy?

Or maybe she's incapable or disinterested in rational thinking in these matters?


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## 1marriedlady (Mar 27, 2015)

jacko jack said:


> Dear 1marriedlady,
> 
> I am sorry for your pain, over the last couple of months, I have realised that I am not alone in the world. I too, miss the touch, hug and little nuances that go with married life, it is not the actual act that I miss it is more the intimacy, my wife seems, cold and aloof.


You hit the nail on the head Jacko jack - it's the connecting. I've told my husband it's not the sex I miss it's being with him. Sharing a special moment that only a husband and wife can share. The intimacy is gone - the special bond that makes us connects to each other. I don't think he gets it.


Wait she physically abuses you? Why do you stay? If it was reversed and you physically abused her - people would be encouraging her to leave. You don't have to stay and take any abuse. You deserve better my friend.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Why are you cats whose spouse willfully cuts you off so ok with spanking your monkey as a substitute, but not wanting to simply have something on the side? You know when your doing the deed you ain't fantasizing about your old lady anyway. Your spouse is the one who wants to stay on Nolay Road and wants to force you to go along for the ride. Its their choice and they are failing to keep their end of the bargain. Why not let them make that trip alone? Ain't like you're giving somebody else what they want.


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

I have done it a handfulnl of times in the last year. H doesn't know. I feel shame about it. He's a sex addict in recovery and is very involved in 12 step fellowship. I am LD but he is more LD than me right now. We haven't had sex since December when I conceived. I feel like it's all downhill from here


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

QuietSoul,



I'm really sorry you feel shame about taking care of your needs on your own. I certainly have felt that shame, from the first time through 25 to 30 years later.



During the last 15 -20 years of that, I had freed myself from all conscious belief that there was anything wrong with it, but still was not comfortable about doing it, though I often did.



Now nearly 50 years old, I see all that guilt and worry was a waste. The desire for a release, the pleasure of a fantasy, etc are part of normal human experience. Everyone has those feelings and there should be no shame or complications from acting on them on your own (ok, there are exceptions -- some people do not have those urges, I suppose).



I wont ask what the source of your shame is, but feel free to share. I do hope you will consider what that source is, and ask if it truly integrates with what you know about human existence.


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

PieceOfSky said:


> QuietSoul,
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thx POS.

Well... I didn't grow up hearing condemnation around masturbation or anything. The only times I ever did it before the last year was when I was pressured by some boyfriend because all the girls in porn do it and they enjoy it so therefore I should. So I did it so he could get off on that but I was so bored and I faked orgasms so i could stop. It's weird that my interest until now has been zero.
Married 7 years, sex life waning for 6, both went LD in our own ways, mainly due to medication I guess. But just weird tobfeel like I am now the HD between me and my H. 

I didn't have a problem before initiating or asking for sex, but since he became more disinterested than me, that's when I started to feel shame. Like sometimes I will feel like it but I don't want to ask or try in case he says no. 

With the masturbation stuff, I can see why some find it addictive. It's really strange but it's a different kind of high, like more mellow and something that I think of when I have trouble sleeping or if I wake up depressed, or just feel like it, or wake up after sexual dreams. Oh yeah, I am having more of those lately too. 

I became a Christian 13 years ago. I don't feel shame around sex per se (I am married) but the masturbation thing is a no no, it's also considered "sex with self" and a bust of a bottom line for my husband in his 12 step fellowship. So I think part of the shame is that I feel like he would feel weird about it if I told him. A lot of guys would flget turned on but I think he would feel weird about it.

Also, another factor is that around this time last year, I went through this crazy time where I was really tempted to cheat on H. Fortunately I got through that and didn't cheat considered and am really glad about that, but that's where it all started, cos I was thinking about other men


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

QuietSoul said:


> I didn't have a problem before initiating or asking for sex, but since he became more disinterested than me, that's when I started to feel shame. Like sometimes I will feel like it but I don't want to ask or try in case he says no.
> 
> With the masturbation stuff, I can see why some find it addictive. It's really strange but it's a different kind of high, like more mellow and something that I think of when I have trouble sleeping or if I wake up depressed, or just feel like it, or wake up after sexual dreams. Oh yeah, I am having more of those lately too.
> 
> I became a Christian 13 years ago. I don't feel shame around sex per se (I am married) but the masturbation thing is a no no, it's also considered "sex with self" and a bust of a bottom line for my husband in his 12 step fellowship. So I think part of the shame is that I feel like he would feel weird about it if I told him. A lot of guys would flget turned on but I think he would feel weird about it.


I can relate to the above. I have a higher drive than my husband, and the societal pressure/stereotypes can make me feel uncomfortable. It's so normal for men to want sex all the time, but for a woman, it's not seen in such a great light. I can think of quite a few reasons for why I don't like to take care of things myself, even though I do every so often. My husband doesn't know about it, although I don't know how he'd feel. He claims to be HD, but doesn't act that way.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> Not sexless anymore--but still a work in progress.
> 
> Wife does not and never has masturbated


The latter should have predicted the former. Finding out a person's masturbation habits is probably a good pre-marriage screening mechanism. Not doing it at all or doing it too much are red flags.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

moco82 said:


> The latter should have predicted the former. Finding out a person's masturbation habits is probably a good pre-marriage screening mechanism. Not doing it at all or doing it too much are red flags.


I agree. I think it likely represents a baseline. Someone's sex drive may vary and there are of course exceptions but for most people most of the time it is a good indication of a person's overall sexual energy.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

QuietSoul said:


> it's also considered "sex with self" and a bust of a bottom line for my husband in his 12 step fellowship.


Why should you be wrapped up in "his" 12 step fellowship for an addiction he has? If you, for example had an addiction to pain medication and he broke his leg, should he be precluded from taking pain medication because you're on a 12 step program to deal with your addiction?


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Lionelhutz said:


> I agree. I think it likely represents a baseline. Someone's sex drive may vary and there are of course exceptions but for most people most of the time it *is a good indication of a person's overall sexual energy.*


I'd agree but qualify that with "in that moment and context".

Like everything else, things can change for all sorts of reasons. And, if one is taking the other's word for it, well, be careful because people distort the truth sometimes, sometimes to themselves.


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## Shake_It_Up (Apr 1, 2015)

moco82 said:


> The latter should have predicted the former. Finding out a person's masturbation habits is probably a good pre-marriage screening mechanism. Not doing it at all or doing it too much are red flags.


Never thought about it that way, but that's a very good point. If I ever re-marry, it'll be on the application for any potential wife. Do You Masturbate? A "never" response will be an automatic "next!"

Come to think of it, asking if they own a sex toy is valid too. No sex toys? This probably isn't going to work out.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear Shake it up

Do not always rely on pre-marriage questions.

My Wife, before marriage, I am the blow-job queen since marriage no BJ's not even on 14th March.

My Wife, I have had two vibrators, one was called Black Prince, since marriage night, no sex.

Please do not forget that some women and also some men lie.

:rofl::rofl:


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## miker450 (Apr 3, 2015)

Married for many years here, and wife not interested in sex these days. But yes, she does know that I masturbate, and will encourage and assist me with that, which is something I guess.


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## traveler247 (Mar 31, 2015)

Personal said:


> Before we consider not masturbating much or at all to be a red flag, I will recount that my wife self services alone once or twice a decade. Yet after close to 18 years together and being in our mid 40's we enjoy sex fairly frequently at 4-6 times a week and more with plenty of flirtation and play everyday of the week otherwise.


 4-6 times a week?! WOW. I've only been married close to 2 years and we have sex maybe 2-3 times a week. Go you!!


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

miker450 said:


> Married for many years here, and wife not interested in sex these days. But yes, she does know that I masturbate, and will encourage and assist me with that, which is something I guess.


It is more than something. It is fabulous. My wife doesn't want to know. Never helps. Would kill me if I did it near her. And avoids any physical contact as if I have plague if she suspects I am crawling into bed after having done "it" with myself.

Refusing sex is one thing. Acting like I am diseased and contagious for wanting sex or daring to please myself is soul crushing.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Holdingontoit said:


> It is more than something. It is fabulous. My wife doesn't want to know. Never helps. Would kill me if I did it near her. And avoids any physical contact as if I have plague if she suspects I am crawling into bed after having done "it" with myself.
> 
> Refusing sex is one thing. Acting like I am diseased and contagious for wanting sex or daring to please myself is soul crushing.


Why do you accept that kind of treatment?


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Someone has said how does she rationalise this, I would say that my houseguest, aka wife is not rational. How can you say that Marriage is Slavery, when she only gets £32 ($48) per month pension and her ATM, aka her husband pays for everything else. I once made the comment that if she was the slave and I was the master, I do not get much for my money each month, we have not had sex since the night of the marriage. The latest fad is for tattoes on this side of the pond, I am thinking of getting the word "GUM" tattoed on my forehead, to remind myself every morning that I am married.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

foolscotton3 said:


> My wife wants me to tell her if I view porn.
> 
> Lol, I got some random subscription to maxim, i never ordered it, it just started showing up at my home and she freaked out at me, lol...
> 
> Whatever... its tame compared to the sh!t she posts on fb...


I've gotten that mystery subscription to Maxim before. Never figured out what started it either time. I'd much prefer that my Playboy or Penthouse subscription suddenly went free. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> Why do you accept that kind of treatment?


Kids. Finances. Lack of self-esteem. I was never successful with women before I got married. At least I have someone to have dinner with on the weekends. We have been married long enough that if we divorced, I would have to pay her alimony for life. Figured I would rather live with my wife in a nice house and keep my kids' family together than live alone in some dingy apartment.

Plus it is costing her to stay with me. When daughter goes to college in the fall my wife will need to get a full time job. She has been SAHM. She wanted to be woman of leisure after kids were gone. But we need her to work to pay for college. If we divorced, she'd find some other guy to support her.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

foolscotton3 said:


> I think they randomly pick people off of other subscription lists, the more subscribers they have the more they can charge for add space... The only other mag I ever sub to was Game Informer, got it free with my GameStop member rewards card. Maxim bought out Game Informer... sucks, now I get inc magazine.


At least the two or three times I got the mystery Maxim subscription, I'd flip through it, maybe read an article or two. At one point, I got a mystery subscription to (I think) ESPN magazine. I hate sports. That one, I contacted and said, "I didn't ask for this. Don't send another. They'll just end up in the trash."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tiredOfTheLies (Apr 28, 2014)

my wife tells me to: "just go in the bathroom and jerkoff"


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

tiredOfTheLies said:


> my wife tells me to: "just go in the bathroom and jerkoff"


direct, and unambiguous.

No guessing game at all.

I love a clear understanding.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Holdingontoit said:


> Kids. Finances. Lack of self-esteem. I was never successful with women before I got married. At least I have someone to have dinner with on the weekends. We have been married long enough that if we divorced, I would have to pay her alimony for life. Figured I would rather live with my wife in a nice house and keep my kids' family together than live alone in some dingy apartment.
> 
> Plus it is costing her to stay with me. When daughter goes to college in the fall my wife will need to get a full time job. She has been SAHM. She wanted to be woman of leisure after kids were gone. But we need her to work to pay for college. If we divorced, she'd find some other guy to support her.


I found this so sad. I feel for you, must be horrible for you at times. I hold my hat off to you tho, its not something i could do, but i do get where your coming from, and i can understand.


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## feeling lost (Oct 17, 2009)

Does your spouse know you masturbate.? Yes

What are her comments on you masturbating? Don't think she really cares or is concerned.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Good morning

I think it is the hurt caused by her that really upsets me. She seems to treat me as a doormat or ATM, after all she only has a pension of $48 per month. It is the hurt caused by my wife and the lies that she tells, even lying when she is found out.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

If she had the choice, my wife would never have sex with me again. I masturbate in bed beside her regularly. Vigorously. To make sure she knows I'm doing it. She says nothing.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

See, this is why Schnarch calls it "normal marital sadism".


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

she doesn't know I'm breathing


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