# confused sexuality or an excuse?



## crazylady (Jun 12, 2010)

My husband of 15 years - been together for 20 years- has told me out of the blue that he thinks he might be gay. We have not had sex in over 7 months and before that it was maybe once every 6-8 weeks. He is fine with this and as we sleep in separate bedrooms its not the 'natural' end to the day. I feel like I am going crazy its all I can think about. He has told me that he doesn't want me anymore and that he finds it impossible to maintain a relationship with me. 
I love him. But he says he will never have sex with me again, he won't kiss me and I have to ask if i want or need a hug.
I can't believe I will never be kissed again.
Of course there is more than this but putting this into words has helped.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

First of all, I'm sorry you are going through this. I recently met a woman who discovered her husband was a cross-dresser (but not gay - confusing to me but that's what it is nonetheless).

I told her in no uncertain terms that it had nothing to do with her. It really doesn't.

Second. . .wowser. . .you are in the initial phase of grief:

Shock, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance in review. You are naturally in disbelief and I can see you moving through these with this kind of issue, all natural.

Um. . .I don't know what to say other than if a man tells you he's gay. . .99.9999% chance he is. It's not something that is usually "confusing" to have those urges as that's a huge Scarlet letter to ask for in American society for men.

I hope your suffering through this isn't too bad and I wish you well.


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## crazylady (Jun 12, 2010)

Thank you for your reply - I agree that I feel I am going through the grieving process - I have been on medication which confused me for several months - he told me during this time- so now I feel like I am waking up after a long sleep - less drugs now!

I do think that I am coping very well on the outside and my first thought was how to help him with all the stuff he has going on in his head. I love him and do not want anyone else in my life or my bed so its down to me to play my part and keep our family together, and perhaps ultimately be comfortable with his sexual preference. 
We have discussed him taking a 'friend' and if he did would I want to know about it - I am very supportive of him and I think that many other wives would have thrown him out, but I dont think I could stand the thought of him finding someone else to love and me still live with him. I feel that is too much to ask. I am damned if I say go or if I say we wil stay together. I will be alone either way. 
Yet still my thoughts are with and how bad he is feeling, I hate to see him like this, so withdrawn. He recently went away for a few days torecharge his batteries and I didnt mind him going as I hoped he would come home in a better frame of mind. He came home and looked very well but nothing has changed with us- he wasnt pleased to be here and there is nothing I can do to change that, but its where he lives and thats that.
He has said that he will not pursue a course of finding a gay mate and so wil deny his true sexual needs - but that is only the same weight that he has placed on my shoulders. I have done nothing to deserve this and have lost the one person who I thought I could rely on and trust. Things are not good.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

No, things aren't good.

I will give my "pat speech" I give here on sex and marriage and it's this:

The Christian view (I read Catholic doctrine but don't practice) is that sex consummates the marriage and that consummation is not a one time act you do on your wedding night. . .consummation is an ongoing act to keep the marriage in a state of validity.

Now. . .if he can't consummate it becuase of his sexual preference. . .sorry, that sucks. . .sucks for him. ..sucks for you. . .it really does. . .but you aren't husband and wife. 

I would file for an annullment and annullments exist for reasons exactly like this (both legally and religiously). If your church, synagogue, or temple won't do it. . .well, then, you have another dilemma but let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Anyway, "mating" is part of life. It's part of who we are biologically. If he doesn't want or can't mate (I kind of find a "gay mate" kind of an unnatural oxymoron but that's another topic) for whatever reason, well again, that's not marriage. Mate is a noun and a verb.

I mean really, how to you "mate" with a person of the same sex? I guess you "partner" but you don't "mate" IMO.

I mean think about it - we aren't supposed to have pre-marital sex, extramarital sex. . .the Catholic Church even says you aren't supposed to have lustful sex. . .so damn. . .when can you have sex? When you are married and in love!!!! It's all about repression for most of your life and now you are finally at a place when you don't have to repress, you are supposed to repress your urges now that you are married because he wants a guy's hairy butt instead of yours?

Uh, uh. 

No go.

I wouldn't go for it.

Those are my thoughts as crass as they may be.

Good luck.


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## crazylady (Jun 12, 2010)

Scannerguard thank you for your post - its not crass at all - it is your opinion and I'm grateful for it as it is making me think outside the box I have been in since my H told me this. 
I feel like I should be in a stable secure relationship at this time of my life and suddenly I'm not, this makes me doubt myself in all other areas of my life. If I'm not a good enough wife maybe I'm not a good enough mother etc, I am spending my whole day worrying about things.
I was hoping to have a renewal of our vows later this year - that won't be happening will it? 
I need the physical side to our marriage and the more I don't get it makes me want it more. I am scared that I may say something to make him hate me and then he will leave - as i've said before I dont want to lose him so that makes me hold my tongue. 

Maybe silence is the better option until I have decided what to do.


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