# What is this????



## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Brief update:

Together 10 years, married 3. Fights over intamacy, money and brother(in law for me). Realized my faults, battled depression, husband (maybe) anxiety. He wants out - I say it's to early to quit.

1) He tells my mom that he wants a seperation, not divorce. Yes you read that correctly. My mom heard...not me.

2) This is an email reply I got: It isn't easy walking away from something BTW. Regardless of the situation there are "what if's" and things like that. Either way it is broken, weather or not it is fixed. I don't doubt that things can be ok, my concern is if things can be good or great

What do I make of this.....My response to his last email that that I agree things are broken. Nothing will be fixed either way if no one tries. I've asked him to meet with the Pastor who married us (frankly I need to believe in SOMETHING again)....because if he has no doubts things can be ok, why not take the change, get some help from someone who has only our best interests at heart (not a paycheck) and strive for a great future. .....and now I wait.

What do ya'll make of him telling, seemingly, everyone but me, and they all hear differernt things....he told my mom "I keep looking for reasons not to get divorced"....I think we should seperate....my mom asked not divorce? He said seperate. I get the email above.....His brother is adament he wants to divorce. 

Too many hands in the cookie jar it seems......I'm all for a legal seperation while we figure out if we can be mended into something great....what if's are enough to kill someone emotionally. 

PS - I hope you all survived Thanksgiving!!


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

To me, it sounds like he's confused. And he's "thinking out loud" while talking to people - including you and your mother. Not a good idea on his part, because it just creates even more confusion.

Kind of wondering though - why would he be talking directly to your mother about these things?


----------



## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

my sedements exactly....he and my family have always been close....closer than he is with his own family. She asked him for his car payment via text (he's 2 mo late). And then she just said he needs to figure things out....to which (I guess) he replied he is looking for reasons not to divorce but cannot find any (which contradicts what his email to me said), and thinks a seperation is best...not divorce. 

I agree the one person he needs to talk to (ME) he doesn't. He's backed out in meeting we've set up for nearly 3 weeks now. 

I agree with you - he's been confused....looking back he's seemed confused since I met him. 

Now I'm confused...no doubt that things can be ok, but unsure they can be good\great. And doesn't like what ifs -- well why not try. I'm not sure what options I have. I cannot show him good\great if we don't try - if we don't communicate. His actions don't match his words....his words don't match his words....his actions don't match his actions.


----------



## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

JennaLynne- In reading your posts, you have been separated since August. You identify some issues you had / have as a person / wife, and you have been working on them. Which is good stuff, and it will eventually get you to a healthier place. 

Unfortunately, none of the changes you have made seem to have really affected the important goal you have set, which is to save your marriage. You are still living apart from your husband. He is still borrowing his brother's testicles when any kind of difficult decision arises. He continues to have all the willpower and focus of a teenage girl trying to decide if she likes vampires or werewolves better.

The general advice offered to guys on this site in situations similar to yours is "do the 180," and "stop being accommodating, and start setting some boundaries." While that's not necessarily the best advice for a woman with respect to her spouse, in your case I think it actually is the best course. 

Okay, you made some mistakes in the marriage. Congratulations on being a flawed human being like the rest of us. You have also worked pretty hard to correct those mistakes and make the marriage better. Your husband has done a variety of things, such as, not-communicate, not-try, not-decide, and not-make-progress. 

It is of course, up to you what you do, but it seems like putting some actions in motion might give you some structure and a sense of progress. 

May I suggest that you consider the following actions, and use them as you see fit (or not at all).

1) Sit down and figure out what you want to happen, and when you want it to happen, in the marriage. This can be things such as going on dates, going to counseling sessions, physical intimacy, vacations, moving back in together, and any other type of activity that takes the two of you to perform correctly.

2) Write all the stuff from item 1 above down on a piece of paper. Assign dates to be achieved. Document when actions are achieved, or not.

3) Review it to see how you are doing, so that you have a written record of your progress or lack thereof in restoring your marriage to normal.

3a) I recommend "getting the brother as far out of the picture as possible" as a goal to be focused on early and often. He sounds like he's really toxic to the relationship.

3b) I hate to throw this out, but I also recommend that you establish criteria for "when do I go ahead and file for divorce." I know you don't want to do that. I know you hate the idea and are committed to saving the marriage. And nothing you have written indicates that your husband is even slightly interested in saving the marriage. All you have gotten from him is cheap talk and broken promises. He has not done any work at all on fixing things. So figure out "how much effort is enough" and stick to it in the days and weeks ahead.

You keep on focusing on what he is SAYING, when you should be watching what he is DOING. Change your focus to where it needs to be and I think you will start making better progress towards how this thing ends, be it reconciliation or divorce.


----------



## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

NotLikeYou said:


> You keep on focusing on what he is SAYING, when you should be watching what he is DOING. Change your focus to where it needs to be and I think you will start making better progress towards how this thing ends, be it reconciliation or divorce.


This can be taken two different ways 1) he's not doing anything, thus he wants out....2) he's not doing anything, thus he doesn't want out.

As they say the only message received is the message perceived. And right now I am in receipt of one H*ll of a grab bag of mixed signals. 

And you are right - his brother is webster's dictionary of toxic....haven't talked to him since the inital chat where he talked FOR my H. 

Right now I have the power to salvage things, or let things go. The 180 to me is not a right fit for me.....it's a way of reverse psychology if you will, and that sort of thing has zero effect on my H. 

His email is odd - it says a lot yet nothing at all....which is just like my H. Right now we either need to agree to end or agree to work it out. Right now he is stuck on neither, and well I will not end things. It is not what I want. So my offer to him was seeing out Pastor, since he is against MC -- either Pastor will help us work it out and help us acheive good\great as H referenced....or he'll serve as a mediator to financial stuff. Either way an end point is reached. Problem is H doesn't want to face reality - he wants to pretend that this will just go away. Well life is too short not to fight for what you believe in. Things don't fix themselves....they don't get to great without work - so if he has no doubts they can be OK - why not strive for great. 

this is where my head is at.


----------

