# After an affair, what do you do when the Pain Resurfaces Years Later?



## S4E (Apr 13, 2012)

*I found this online awhile back and wondered if anyone else ever experienced this. I have been troubled and "on the fence" for a couple of years, I've been through counciling and am presently in an "in-house seperation" with my wife doing a 180 on me. This pretty much describes my feelings in regards to my wife and where I have been mentally;*

You can call it what you want - infidelity, extramarital affair, being unfaithful, getting some on the side - but it all ends the same. For the unsuspecting spouse its more pain than anyone who hasn't been through it can imagine. For the spouse who is cheating it is the humiliation at getting caught or finally confessing and the mountains of guilt that go along with that. 

For those couples who endure and struggle through the pain to save their marriage it can be a new and stronger marriage when they've pushed past the hurt and anger. Their marriage may be stronger than when they first married. But for many hurt spouses, the emotional rollercoaster doesn't end in a few months or even two or three years; seven to ten years later the confusion of emotions can still surface and affect the life of the scarred spouse.

Although an affair could have occurred more than say, eight years ago, a mass of confusion for some people still surface. The hurt spouse may wonder why s/he stayed in the marriage. Who did s/he stay for? The kids? The marriage? Financial reasons? They may constantly question their feelings for the spouse even if it was possible to completely forgive what was done in the past. The forgiving spouse may completely trust the husband or wife who was unfaithful, but may feel dead inside toward their spouse on occasion. The hurt may be so deep that the feelings they have for the unfaithful spouse will rise and fall to the point of feeling nothing at all.

This creates a new guilt - not for the unfaithful spouse, but for the forgiving spouse. And it is because of that one word - forgiving. If you have forgiven your spouse who had the affair and it has been so many years in the past; and your spouse is now the perfect husband or wife, but you feel nothing for him or her...what do you do? The scars created by the depth of the deceit have killed off what feelings you had. You pray with all of your heart that God will bring back the feelings you once had for this person. Your spouse is a good husband or wife and wonderful parent to your children. But...you can't let it go.
You may enjoy doing the family things - camping, hiking, and swimming. But you feel horrible and lost when it comes to being intimate with your spouse. In the beginning of the healing process sex was frequent and wonderful because you were trying to rebuild and felt compelled to fill the void that may have occurred during the affair. You wanted to prove to your once unfaithful spouse that you could be spontaneous and sexy. 

But as the years have passed and your spouse has gained your trust and become a full-time family man or woman, s/he says that s/he loves you more than ever and s/he calls home constantly to check in, you feel more distant than you've ever felt. A touch by your spouse may make you shy away. The thought of intimacy may make you feel anxious. How do you get past this? You are supposed to be the wonder couple; you're supposed to be the couple who can survive anything because you survived an affair. Or did you? 

Don't be surprised by these late feelings, especially if the lies from the affair were beyond the usual "I have to work late" type. My husband told me he loved me, kissed me good bye, and a few hours later called me to tell me he had met someone else nearly six months earlier and wanted to leave me for her. My world was thrown into a tail spin that I couldn't control. When I convinced him to stay and that our marriage was worth saving I started asking questions about the younger woman. There are many days I wish I hadn't because I found out he lied to me so many times that every new lie cut my heart deeper and deeper. I felt like I was going completely crazy and I couldn't believe that I had fallen for it all. For nearly six months my husband was not mine. He had a secret life that I knew nothing about where he was playing house with someone else. My heart was and is so badly hurt that even when I go for months not thinking about the affair my feelings for my husband wax and wane. 

The guilt is something else, too. You may feel guilty because you worked so hard to keep the marriage together and it really seemed like everything was fine for a number of years - that you had both gotten past the affair and were enjoying your life together. But now you're questioning whether you even want to be with your spouse. The hurt is back and it feels like it has wiped out all emotion for your spouse. You may want nothing more than to leave, but then you have the guilt of leaving a now innocent spouse and I haven't even mentioned what a divorce would do to the kids. I mean, you forgave him or her, right?

Get counseling for yourself now. Don't make a decision based on your current emotions. You need a third party who is unbiased to intervene and to guide you through this new wave of confusion. Your best friends are wonderful to gripe to, but they are sympathetic and will quickly tell you to start a new life for yourself. This may not be the best advice. Talk to a psychologist or marriage counselor, someone uninvolved who can listen to your new found guilt and resurfaced pain. You made it through once before and thought enough of your marriage to want to save it. Don't give up just yet. You may find that spark again.

*I think I've finally given up. After rug sweeping and blame shifting for years this all finally came to the surface. The last couple of years have been so damaging to our relationship that even if we make an effort, this will always be there and I know it will always be the big elephant in the corner that we both see but don't want to talk about...It's actually quite sad.

Any thoughts? *


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

That elephant sure gets around and very difficult, most likely impossible, to get rid off.

Though there are people who can coexist with or dont mind the elephant.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

aug said:


> That elephant sure gets around and very difficult, most likely impossible, to get rid off.
> 
> Though there are people who can coexist with or dont mind the elephant.


Or become elephant trainers?


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I personally like to poke that elephant every now and again and chuckle as my wife scrambles to avoid being trampled.... 

The elephant is there. I don’t pretend it isn’t.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

In my case, decades after the initial affair and several years after the reoccurrence of the affair, I filed for divorce. 

So was I living in a false R for all those years? I have no idea. I made every attempt to make it work and thought it was real up to the point that the reoccurrence surfaced. 

But it's a moot point now.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Honestly divorce.

You are given one precious life to live. Why waste it on anyone who is not worthy of your gift of sharing it with them?


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## S4E (Apr 13, 2012)

Openminded said:


> In my case, 30 years after the initial affair and several years after the reoccurrence of the affair, I filed for divorce. It'll be final by summer.
> 
> So was I living in a false R for almost 30 years? I have no idea. I made every attempt to make it work and thought it was real up to the point that the reoccurrence surfaced.
> 
> But it's a moot point now.


I guess that's my biggest fear. I honestly believe that my wife has never seen this man again in over 10 years (other than the few times we ran in to each other). I have periodically searched around the house, checked her phone, email, computer, etc..and nothing. I feel and know that she loves me. My problem is, I felt and knew all these things before while she was doing my best friend on the side for who knows for sure how long. She plays it down like it wasn't that long, she was confused, she screwed up, and she doesn't ever want to be with anyone but me. Again, I really believe her, but I did before too.... I have lived with him and this affair in my head for too long. I really feel like the person who wrote this letter.

_"The scars created by the depth of the deceit have killed off what feelings you had. You pray with all of your heart that God will bring back the feelings you once had for this person. Your spouse is a good husband or wife and wonderful parent to your children. But...you can't let it go.
You may enjoy doing the family things - camping, hiking, and swimming. But you feel horrible and lost when it comes to being intimate with your spouse."_

_"You may feel guilty because you worked so hard to keep the marriage together and it really seemed like everything was fine for a number of years - that you had both gotten past the affair and were enjoying your life together. But now you're questioning whether you even want to be with your spouse. The hurt is back and it feels like it has wiped out all emotion for your spouse."_

Unfortunately this has been my reality. I believe she's a good woman and I don't want to hurt her... I'm just staying for the wrong reasons - And there is noone else...if there was maybe I'd be motivated to move faster, but I just can't be "that guy".


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Openminded said:


> In my case, 30 years after the initial affair and several years after the reoccurrence of the affair, I filed for divorce. It'll be final by summer.
> 
> So was I living in a false R for almost 30 years? I have no idea. I made every attempt to make it work and thought it was real up to the point that the reoccurrence surfaced.
> 
> But it's a moot point now.


Hi OM - just about every thread & post I read on TAM cuts me in some way. I'm not perfect and have made mistakes in previous relationships and I lost focus big time in my current relationship. The longest connection of my life - 18 years just about. Three weeks ago I discovered that my partner cheated. We are reconciling and it is all hugs and kisses but I cannot shake the thought that it will end badly sometime later on. I'm on the happy pills and handling family and life quite well but still the doubts, the thoughts about the terrible betrayal persist. How the hell do I know that what has happened to you will not be my situation later on? I have to go with my gut (somewhat diminished gut I might add) and trust it will work out. What happened to you was a disgraceful act - no one deserves to be treated like that, and for so long. I hope you find peace Openminded.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

S4E said:


> She plays it down like it wasn't that long, she was confused, she screwed up, and she doesn't ever want to be with anyone but me.


Two words:

Bull

Shi_

!

She wants to be with you until the next wonderlust or exciting situation comes around. 

I hate those phoney excuses. They come from phoney people. If she said, "Look, what can I say, I found it exciting to screw your best friend. It was wrong, I know it was a mistake and I will do my best to never let it happen again..." I can respect it for the honesty and it gives a platform for possible reconciliation. 

But those cheap lies for an excuse tell me something completely different. 

Also, when someone downplays their betrayal it proves out they really don't care. Care about the betrayal or about you.

I fell badly for you. I really do. You're being lied to and you won't believe it until the next betrayal is discovered. 

Sorry to be so harsh but her cheap excuses are simply inexcusable. And you deserve so much better.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> Two words:
> 
> Bull
> 
> ...


:iagree:
This

they did it because it was exciting, illicit almost taboo within the scope of the relationship the three of you had..but the one common denominator is they both cheated on YOU. No matter how you dress it up it's terrible..from his side was it lust, desire or contempt to have what you had
from her side was it lust, desire or the fact she didn't care enough for you to stop it.
OP basically encapsulated it as a good woman who made a mistake...except it wasn't a mistake, it happened multiple times.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I try to ignore the elephant even when he sits on my chest (often) but I am really tired of cleaning up his ****.


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

S4E said:


> I guess that's my biggest fear. I honestly believe that my wife has never seen this man again in over 10 years (other than the few times we ran in to each other). I have periodically searched around the house, checked her phone, email, computer, etc..and nothing. I feel and know that she loves me. My problem is, I felt and knew all these things before while she was doing my best friend on the side for who knows for sure how long. She plays it down like it wasn't that long, she was confused, she screwed up, and she doesn't ever want to be with anyone but me. Again, I really believe her, but I did before too.... I have lived with him and this affair in my head for too long. I really feel like the person who wrote this letter.
> 
> _"The scars created by the depth of the deceit have killed off what feelings you had. You pray with all of your heart that God will bring back the feelings you once had for this person. Your spouse is a good husband or wife and wonderful parent to your children. But...you can't let it go.
> You may enjoy doing the family things - camping, hiking, and swimming. But you feel horrible and lost when it comes to being intimate with your spouse."_
> ...


I feel pretty similar... today is our 16th anniversary. It has been about 17 months since dday- well, that would be the REAL dday when I found everything. There was also the day he asked for the divorce (while deployed, because he has slept with a co-worker)- that day was 2 years and 2 months ago. 

There are days I am completely numb of any feelings for him- which makes me even more sad because who wants to live like that. He has done all of the heavy lifting, talked me out of divorce about 5 times and been the husband I deserve (and how he should have been all along). But I find my mind wandering- back to those very hurtful days and on to what my life could be, if I moved on. Not that I don't love him, but it just feels different. Like I will never be in love with him the same because I have lost some respect for him. That is huge for me. 

I don't believe couples should be quick to give up and divorce, some marriages can be saved (not just those affected by infidelity)~ but there are also those that maybe should not be. I don't want to live with this elephant. Sometimes my husband has the nerve to say- "so there you go, using your trump card." WTF~ you gave me the damn card I did not ask for! This is a hand I did not want to play and my life is no game. I am trying to deal with and wade through something I never imagined affecting our life. I don't want to be an expert at this. 

I want to trust, fully and not have to hold back. We do have kids, but I am not here because of them. Really, if it were about them, I would have left the day I found out. I am not here for the financial reasons, we have always been responsible and that is no issue. Our only problem is this A. I am not sure if I can come through this, still working on it.


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## S4E (Apr 13, 2012)

newlife94 said:


> But I find my mind wandering- back to those very hurtful days and on to what my life could be, if I moved on. *Not that I don't love him, but it just feels different*. Like I will never be in love with him the same because I have lost some respect for him. That is huge for me.
> * I don't want to live with this elephant.* Sometimes my husband has the nerve to say- "so there you go, using your trump card." *WTF~ you gave me the damn card I did not ask for! * This is a hand I did not want to play and my life is no game. I am trying to deal with and wade through something I never imagined affecting our life. *I don't want to be an expert at this. * Our only problem is this A. I am not sure if I can come through this, still working on it.


I can relate to all of this on so many levels... I wish I had left at 40 when this happened to me...now I'm 53 and feel guilt...she has made an effort, she has for the most part been a great wife since then, and friends tell me I'll probably never find better? But something died...things are and always will be different and it's not a "good different". I asked her last week to open up and let me know what she's feeling. She said I know you need your space and I don't want you to make a decision based on feeling bad for me, I said just tell me! She started crying and said I just want things to go back to how they were before. Then she said..no not how they were before, but how I thought they were before (meaning before I was honest with her about how this has been eating at me all these years)..my thought was - I wish I could go back to the time before you decided to sleep with my best friend and have an ongoing affair...As long as my mind is conditioned to go there... things can never change for me... I think we both deserve better, but maybe this is it? We have 30 + years and family... Maybe this is my destiny and I just nned to make the best of it? And then again...maybe not


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

S4E, understand what you are going through, a part of you died that day and you put forth the effort to try and rebuild and kept moving forward, though in the back of your mind there was that nagging feeling.

The person that you had given your heart and all the trust to had betrayed you and disrespected you. Now you have taken this from others and left them out of your life but with your spouse you have tried to rebuild and basically ate your pain because you knew if you did not it would destroy this "New" marriage but this "New" marriage is not what you want and no matter what has been done it does not satisfy you internally.

Take your time, find a confident or couselor you can talk to about the + and -, maybe even write them out so you can actually see what your issues are this may help.

You sound like the "Nice" guy who always put others needs before yourself and all that paying out is now catching up to you.

Take care and good luck in whatever you decide.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

S4E said:


> I can relate to all of this on so many levels... I wish I had left at 40 when this happened to me...now I'm 53 and feel guilt...she has made an effort, she has for the most part been a great wife since then, and friends tell me I'll probably never find better? But something died...things are and always will be different and it's not a "good different". I asked her last week to open up and let me know what she's feeling. She said I know you need your space and I don't want you to make a decision based on feeling bad for me, I said just tell me! She started crying and said I just want things to go back to how they were before. Then she said..no not how they were before, but how I thought they were before (meaning before I was honest with her about how this has been eating at me all these years)..my thought was - I wish I could go back to the time before you decided to sleep with my best friend and have an ongoing affair...As long as my mind is conditioned to go there... things can never change for me... I think we both deserve better, but maybe this is it? We have 30 + years and family... Maybe this is my destiny and I just nned to make the best of it? And then again...maybe not


She did a double betrayal - cheating and with your best friend. That's especially cruel.

You're 53, it has been years, and yet the pain is still there. If after all these years the pain remains, it's not likely to ever go away.

Better to get that separation or divorce now than wait another 10 years. You'll have lost another 10 years. Better to separate or divorce at 53 than at 63 with even more regrets built up with the passing time.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

At 53 you will be in high demand with single women. Don't believe for a second you don't have options.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

What do you do? You get over it as best you can.

Couple of months back, had a trigger after many, many years. It was weird how all the old insecurities came back, the feelings of inadequacy, heart break, etc.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> What do you do? You get over it as best you can.
> 
> Couple of months back, had a trigger after many, many years. It was weird how all the old insecurities came back, the feelings of inadequacy, heart break, etc.


Ditto...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Horizon said:


> Hi OM - just about every thread & post I read on TAM cuts me in some way. I'm not perfect and have made mistakes in previous relationships and I lost focus big time in my current relationship. The longest connection of my life - 18 years just about. Three weeks ago I discovered that my partner cheated. We are reconciling and it is all hugs and kisses but I cannot shake the thought that it will end badly sometime later on. I'm on the happy pills and handling family and life quite well but still the doubts, the thoughts about the terrible betrayal persist. How the hell do I know that what has happened to you will not be my situation later on? I have to go with my gut (somewhat diminished gut I might add) and trust it will work out. What happened to you was a disgraceful act - no one deserves to be treated like that, and for so long. I hope you find peace Openminded.


Yes, you have to trust it will work out. Otherwise, you will drive yourself crazy.

Thanks for the good wishes. I am currently separated while my divorce is pending and happier than I have been in decades. Smiling. There is life on the other side. It just sometimes takes a few unexpected detours to find it.


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

SE4, did you just steal my login and started typing what was on my mind? I kid, but that is exactly the feelings I had for my WW and why the divorce will be finalized this summer.

After going through the emotional roller coaster of being embarrassed and emasculated, then having to pick up the pieces and try to forgive while at the same time try to keep a smile on your face for the kids, it just gets to the point where you're just numb. She is none the wiser; she comes to give you a kiss you really don't want. She wants to spend time with you and you want nothing to do with her. Even when having sex with her, deep down you know that the sex you're having with her isn't even on the same scale with what she had with the OM and WILL NEVER BE. You go to the love bank and find that there are insufficient funds in the account. 

It's not that you're have some sort of revenge affair or anything. It comes to a point where you just stop caring; apathy. If she told you that she was leaving, you don't care. If she told you that you need to leave, you don't care. As long as the kids were being provided for, you simply DO NOT CARE.

I tried counselors and the like. I read the books and the articles on forgiveness. It may well have worked with others but NOT WITH ME; and that's all that counts in my book.

When you reach this point of numbness like I have, you simply have to suck it up and put the dog down like they did Ole Yeller. For each passing year comes more regret and time lost that could've been better spent improving one's life and perhaps even running into someone who would put more value into your life than the ex took away.

To me, staying in a marriage after an affair, while feeling this way, is just as destructive as the affair the wayward spouse had in the first place. You start off with low self-value and after time it simply morphs into self-hatred. You get to the point of hating the very person you see in the mirror every day. You start thinking of how defective I must be if she not only slept with another guy but no one finds you the least bit attractive to want to do the same. And even if someone did, because of you not wanting to break your vows, you kept to yourself. 

What did you get from her deciding to 'settle' with you, besides a stay of execution from family court? I hated myself for years for not leaving because I didn't have the finances to afford the whopping amount of child support and alimony it would cost, let alone having to start over again in terms of staying with relatives until I could get back on my feet. Sometimes, it would be so much to bear that I'd take days off just to wallow in my sorrows.

If you don't want this feeling, you have to be the bad guy and get the divorce done. There will be days of regret and reflection of what once was and could've been. But life goes on and waits for no one...


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## S4E (Apr 13, 2012)

rrrbbbttt said:


> S4E, understand what you are going through, a part of you died that day and you put forth the effort to try and rebuild and kept moving forward, though in the back of your mind there was that nagging feeling.* Exactly!*
> 
> The person that you had given your heart and all the trust to had betrayed you and disrespected you. Now you have taken this from others and left them out of your life but with your spouse you have tried to rebuild and basically ate your pain because you knew if you did not it would destroy this "New" marriage but this "New" marriage is not what you want and no matter what has been done it does not satisfy you internally. *Once again...all true*
> 
> ...


*Thank you!*


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## S4E (Apr 13, 2012)

Simon Phoenix said:


> SE4, did you just steal my login and started typing what was on my mind? I kid, but that is exactly the feelings I had for my WW and why the divorce will be finalized this summer.
> 
> After going through the emotional roller coaster of being embarrassed and emasculated, then having to pick up the pieces and try to forgive while at the same time try to keep a smile on your face for the kids, it just gets to the point where you're just numb. ...


I was numb for too long. Once I faced it I felt anger and sadness. Now I just feel bad for her. I know I shouldn't but I asked her to stay, she did, and all these years later I'm finally realizing I should have just ended it with her back then. I'm also feeling empty, and lonely, and almost wishing I was numb again.



Simon Phoenix said:


> She is none the wiser; she comes to give you a kiss you really don't want. She wants to spend time with you and you want nothing to do with her. Even when having sex with her, deep down you know that the sex you're having with her isn't even on the same scale with what she had with the OM and WILL NEVER BE. You go to the love bank and find that there are insufficient funds in the account....


My wife is very affectionate and she just wants to hold me, kiss me, and hug me. She will have sex with me at any time.... and yet I don't want it - not from her anyway. He had the same name as me so when I hear her call out my name in bed, my mind sometimes still goes there! I put off doing things i want to do because she will want to go with and I can no longer lead her on... The sad look in her face just kills me, and yet I check her phone, email, Facebook...I believe there is noone but me.  



Simon Phoenix said:


> It's not that you're have some sort of revenge affair or anything. It comes to a point where you just stop caring; apathy. If she told you that she was leaving, you don't care. If she told you that you need to leave, you don't care. As long as the kids were being provided for, you simply DO NOT CARE.....


Agreed, I often think about her finding someone who will love her the way she deserves and needs to be loved, it's no longer in me. But because we have so many years and I still care and have love for her, I hate the thought of her hooking up with some loser and her having a ****ty life? I don't wish bad on her.



Simon Phoenix said:


> When you reach this point of numbness like I have, you simply have to suck it up and put the dog down like they did Ole Yeller. For each passing year comes more regret and time lost that could've been better spent improving one's life and perhaps even running into someone who would put more value into your life than the ex took away.
> 
> To me, staying in a marriage after an affair, while feeling this way, is just as destructive as the affair the wayward spouse had in the first place. You start off with low self-value and after time it simply morphs into self-hatred. You get to the point of hating the very person you see in the mirror every day. You start thinking of how defective I must be if she not only slept with another guy but no one finds you the least bit attractive to want to do the same. And even if someone did, because of you not wanting to break your vows, you kept to yourself. ...


All very true for me as well!



Simon Phoenix said:


> What did you get from her deciding to 'settle' with you, besides a stay of execution from family court? I hated myself for years for not leaving because I didn't have the finances to afford the whopping amount of child support and alimony it would cost, let alone having to start over again in terms of staying with relatives until I could get back on my feet. Sometimes, it would be so much to bear that I'd take days off just to wallow in my sorrows.
> 
> If you don't want this feeling, you have to be the bad guy and get the divorce done. There will be days of regret and reflection of what once was and could've been. But life goes on and waits for no one...


Thank you so much for sharing your story! I'm sorry for what happened to you, but I'm pretty sure we think the same way. I just really don't get how she can just act like everything is so great and we are this wonderful couple? People say "You 2 are so great together"..my mind goes straight to - "If you only had a clue"!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

S4E said:


> I was numb for too long. Once I faced it I felt anger and sadness. Now I just feel bad for her. I know I shouldn't but I asked her to stay, she did, and all these years later I'm finally realizing I should have just ended it with her back then. I'm also feeling empty, and lonely, and almost wishing I was numb again.
> 
> 
> My wife is very affectionate and she just wants to hold me, kiss me, and hug me. She will have sex with me at any time.... and yet I don't want it - not from her anyway. He had the same name as me so when I hear her call out my name in bed, my mind sometimes still goes there! I put off doing things i want to do because she will want to go with and I can no longer lead her on... The sad look in her face just kills me, and yet I check her phone, email, Facebook...I believe there is noone but me.
> ...


I was told what a perfect couple we were. Right in the middle of ny wife's affair! I can smile at that irony now, but I saw no humour in it back then!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## S4E (Apr 13, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I was told what a perfect couple we were. Right in the middle of ny wife's affair! I can smile at that irony now, but I saw no humour in it back then!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you still together?
That has always been a problem for me, I thought we were good and we were that couple everyone always looked up to. I believe I was on a mission to prove the OM wouldn't win and our marriage was strong enough to get through this.. But what she did was too wrong and the cut was too deep! He was my best friend, and she did it right under my nose while i thought we were all good? I bought her a ring as a renewal of my love and commitment and a month or so later she was on a cruise with him? It was supposed to be with her sisters...money became a problem with them, she asked him for help (instead of me)..of course he did and his reward was she asked him to go with?!! Yeah..I call the ship to send flowers and find out she's rooming with this bast*rd who claimed he was away on business! I ask myself now how I could have ever stayed? I lied to myself and said he manipulated her, she was lost, he took advantage, I made her into a victim!?? The fact is, she wanted it and went after him! She says now it was the biggest mistake of her life and she'll regret it until the day she dies...I say it wasn't a mistake - a poor choice, hell yes! It kills me to divorce at this stage in the game, but I need closure..he's been in my head too damn long!


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

sad story..... would be even more sad if you stay in this unhappy marriage for the rest of your life. you're just now realizing that her affair was a dealbreaker for you.

i say you need a change. go to it, m'man. stop wasting valuable time.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

S4E said:


> Are you still together?
> That has always been a problem for me, I thought we were good and we were that couple everyone always looked up to. I believe I was on a mission to prove the OM wouldn't win and our marriage was strong enough to get through this.. But what she did was too wrong and the cut was too deep! He was my best friend, and she did it right under my nose while i thought we were all good? I bought her a ring as a renewal of my love and commitment and a month or so later she was on a cruise with him? It was supposed to be with her sisters...money became a problem with them, she asked him for help (instead of me)..of course he did and his reward was she asked him to go with?!! Yeah..I call the ship to send flowers and find out she's rooming with this bast*rd who claimed he was away on business! I ask myself now how I could have ever stayed? I lied to myself and said he manipulated her, she was lost, he took advantage, I made her into a victim!?? The fact is, she wanted it and went after him! She says now it was the biggest mistake of her life and she'll regret it until the day she dies...I say it wasn't a mistake - a poor choice, hell yes! It kills me to divorce at this stage in the game, but I need closure..he's been in my head too damn long!


Take some time to read some of the posts here on TAM from posters that are struggling for years. Just like you.

Realize that you can divorce for an affair regardless of the time spent trying to R.

Realize that you can divorce just because you don't want to be married even if there is not an affair.

Realize that your time is more valuable than your money.

Realize that a D is better than a sh!tty marriage.

This stuff sucks. I swear that limbo is worse than D. You are in limbo. My dear brother and my supervisor almost had to yell at me to end my bad marriage after my exWW's affair, and a long time in R (limbo).

I vote that you owe it to yourself to try something different. Your current path is not leading you to happiness.

If you like being married, at least try it with someone that you trust and love. Someone that returns the favor with love for you. 

I did it. You can too.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

S4E said:


> He had the same name as me so when I hear her call out my name in bed, my mind sometimes still goes there!


I heard her moan a different name than mine. Don't know which is worse, hearing a different name or the OM having the same name.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Openminded said:


> In my case, 30 years after the initial affair and several years after the reoccurrence of the affair, I filed for divorce. It'll be final by summer.
> 
> So was I living in a false R for almost 30 years? I have no idea. I made every attempt to make it work and thought it was real up to the point that the reoccurrence surfaced.
> 
> But it's a moot point now.


My God! I wish you a good life.:smthumbup:


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Thor said:


> At 53 you will be in high demand with single women. Don't believe for a second you don't have options.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


really? - tell me more Thor!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

S4E said:


> Are you still together?
> That has always been a problem for me, I thought we were good and we were that couple everyone always looked up to. I believe I was on a mission to prove the OM wouldn't win and our marriage was strong enough to get through this.. But what she did was too wrong and the cut was too deep! He was my best friend, and she did it right under my nose while i thought we were all good? I bought her a ring as a renewal of my love and commitment and a month or so later she was on a cruise with him? It was supposed to be with her sisters...money became a problem with them, she asked him for help (instead of me)..of course he did and his reward was she asked him to go with?!! Yeah..I call the ship to send flowers and find out she's rooming with this bast*rd who claimed he was away on business! I ask myself now how I could have ever stayed? I lied to myself and said he manipulated her, she was lost, he took advantage, I made her into a victim!?? The fact is, she wanted it and went after him! She says now it was the biggest mistake of her life and she'll regret it until the day she dies...I say it wasn't a mistake - a poor choice, hell yes! It kills me to divorce at this stage in the game, but I need closure..he's been in my head too damn long!


Yes we are still together 25th anniversary of us getting together! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Horizon said:


> really? - tell me more Thor!


I'll take a stab at it...

First, there are more women than men at this period of life.

Second, it's harder for the women to use what's left of their beauty to get men, so they need to have/develop their charming personality.

Third, even a 50+ y.o. person wants love. I doubt if the women at this stage had already given up on life.

Fourth, I dont think men at this age care to start a family. So, there are more likely to date and dump.

Fifth, 50 y.o. men are more likely interested in 30 or 40 y.o. women than 50 y.o. thereby leaving more of these older women available for dating.

Six, ...


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

S4E, When a partner does this to you and you find out the initial shock is one similar to sudden bereavement. The person who you honestly thought you knew, placed the most precious trust in has turned around and done something so painful as to throw those presious things back in your face. I suspect youve sat there many times and thought "who the heck has she become, where is this person from". The fact is you still have NOt got over the event. I suspect everytime you think about any part of the issue your adrenaline surges. When a loved one does this to you they literally destroy the most important link between you. The link for many will never reconnect again properly as you will always wonder why, and when next. Its not about not forgiving its about putting the issue behind you and if it doesnt stay in the far distant past the you will fell like this all the time. It might be that the link you had was really destroyed (it seems so) If you continue to wonder why and when next then its most certainly not a healed connection. Any partner who causes the trust to be questioned either by thought or deed must expect that the hurt party will need to be able to heal, if not then the offender must except that they have opened pandoras box and take 100% responsibility for what happens. In your case youve not moved forward, youve not healed and by the tone of your post I suspect that youve started to considered a life in a different way. If being with a partner that has hurt you like this continue to hurt Im sorry there is only one way forward and that is to remove the source of the pain. No everyone can forgive and accept. tehre are many that, like you carry on hurting and wondering. Your W had the option of not going there, she did the opposite and went for it. You have time to heal and at 53 its going to be tough but not as tough as hurting for the next 10 years when the same thing might happen.


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## ExisaWAW (Mar 5, 2013)

This is an interesting thread to me because when I found out about my xw's affair, we were divorced in a few months. I wanted to try counseling, to attempt reconciliation, etc. & she wanted the $$$ & a new life to pursue her MLC. So, I often wonder what might have happened if we did reconcile like the posters here. 

I realize I would have to live with the thought that maybe my W couldn't be trusted. I wondered if I could really forgive AND forget. The lesson I learned is that marriage takes work. Not many ppl continue to keep a marriage fresh. In the awesome book The Road Less Traveled, the section on love is incredible! It talks about how real love begins after romantic love ends. The honeymoon always ends. Infidelity, etc. happens when one person puts their selfish needs in front of their partners needs. 

So true. I would much rather work on keeping my marriage fresh than throw it away and start again, even after a betrayal. There are no guarantees that the new relationship will end up any better. Because enivitably, the new relationship's honeymoon will end, things will get regular/ boring, and someone may once again put their selfish needs in front if their partners. And the cycle continues. This is why the divorce rates go up after a previous divorce, not down! 

People think that their spouse is the cause of their unhappiness. Really? Now if there's abuse, etc. I believe in ending the marriage, but most marriages can be saved, even after affairs. I guess if I had been given the chance to reconcile, I may have thought about the betrayal from time to time, but as long as we worked hard to create a lot of positive memories after the affair, the bad stuff would fade away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

I've found Shirley Glass' book Not Just Friends to be very helpful in explaining what we have to deal with. We have grief (loss of faith in our spouse, death of the old marriage) AND we're traumatized, similar to posttraumatic stress disorder (the reason it's technically not the same is because we haven't witnessed loss of life or experienced a threat of loss of our own life).

She also says that for most people, leaving the marriage is not the best answer. But for some it is. I think the questions that she has people ask themselves are helpful in sorting out which category you fall in.

Like any grief or any trauma, you can't undo the loss or the traumatic event(s) - time and healing are the only way to achieve some sense of peace in your life. Right now, with the separation, your WS isn't helping you with your healing, and with infidelity, the WS is always the key person when it comes to healing.

It would be nice if healing didn't require "work" but it does. It takes effort and compassion and the ability to see the big picture. A person is more than all the bad that they did during the affair - you have to be able to see and consider the other things that they have done, too. If the other stuff was decent and kind and fun and laudable and maybe even a little wonderful thrown in, you have to be able to weigh THAT in the balance too. The marriage has to be measured by more than just the affair as well. 

If in your pain you let yourself lose sight of the whole person that your spouse is, you may decide to divorce the cheater in her without fully recognizing she's much more than that - this is more likely if you haven't given it your all when it comes to the hard healing work. (And boy, is it hard work.)

I think at the end of the day, before someone gets out of a marriage, it's good to know that you HAVE given it your all. That you've done your best, worked really hard to heal, to repair the marriage, to move forward, to live with compassion, to strive toward forgiveness and love. If you've done that, and it didn't work, then I think you can move on with a clear conscience.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

hopefulgirl said:


> I've found Shirley Glass' book Not Just Friends to be very helpful in explaining what we have to deal with. We have grief (loss of faith in our spouse, death of the old marriage) AND we're traumatized, similar to posttraumatic stress disorder (the reason it's technically not the same is because we haven't witnessed loss of life or experienced a threat of loss of our own life).
> 
> She also says that for most people, leaving the marriage is not the best answer. But for some it is. I think the questions that she has people ask themselves are helpful in sorting out which category you fall in.
> 
> ...


I generally agree with this, except the part that most would be better off staying in the marriage. Just my opinion, but I think R is probably harder than D for the majority. I think that has to do with the WS doing the "heavy lifting." Most don't. Most cover their tracks, and avoid any consequences.

The idea that you can move forward with a clear conscious has some validity. Not because there is a moral responsibility to attempt R, but because most of the BS need to know they are making the right choice to D.

Life is a gamble that we as individuals can't control. We might get cancer. We might get struck by lightning. We might marry a low committment partner. We might divorce and marry someone that is no better.

My argument is that if I know I am married to a person that will cheat on me, wouldn't the gamble to try again with a different person be worth it? What is the worst that happens? The new spouse also cheats? Lol! Toss your coin and pray for heads. At least with life's experience, we can make a wiser choice than we did the first time.

Resentment has much to do with it. I feel that I can start a new life with no resentment instead of dealing with a mountain of resentment for a WS that betrayed me. Betrayed not only with sexual infidelity, but with lying, deceipt, defaming, etc.

Is it fair for a BS to punish the WS for months or years? I think the WS should be free to pursue a relationship where they too can have a fresh start based on love without resentment. If you love them, set them free!

Not knocking those that are in R. I admire them greatly.

It also is admirable when you recognize defeat, and move onward to your next challenge. Limbo sucks for both the WS and the BS.

Just my opinion as a BS.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

typo edit...


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> What do you do? You get over it as best you can.


S4E wants honest opinions not colored by his past. He is leaving out a very important part to his situation. His case is INSANELY different than many people giving him advice to tough it out. IMO, it isn't a true trigger, it is fresh in his mind for a reason.


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## S4E (Apr 13, 2012)

ExisaWAW said:


> This is an interesting thread to me because when I found out about my xw's affair, we were divorced in a few months. I wanted to try counseling, to attempt reconciliation, etc. & she wanted the $$$ & a new life to pursue her MLC. So, *I often wonder what might have happened if we did reconcile like the posters here.* _Posted via Mobile Device_



You may wonder but you will never know for sure. 



ExisaWAW said:


> I realize I would have to live with the thought that maybe my W couldn't be trusted. *I wondered if I could really forgive AND forget.* .[/B] _Posted via Mobile Device_




[Trust me and read all of the post - YOU NEVER FORGET!



ExisaWAW said:


> The lesson I learned is that marriage takes work. Not many ppl continue to keep a marriage fresh. In the awesome book The Road Less Traveled, the section on love is incredible! It talks about how real love begins after romantic love ends. The honeymoon always ends. Infidelity, etc. happens when one person puts their selfish needs in front of their partners needs. .[/B] _Posted via Mobile Device_




We took lessons and went couples dancing regularly because she wanted too (This is how we met the OM). We went on motorcyle trips, we even went to Europe 2 times the year before this happened. We were the couple who always held hands and kissed. Sometimes while dancing the DJ would joke and say "come on guys, get a room"



ExisaWAW said:


> So true. I would much rather work on keeping my marriage fresh than throw it away and start again, even after a betrayal. *There are no guarantees that the new relationship will end up any better.* Because enivitably, the new relationship's honeymoon will end, things will get regular/ boring, and someone may once again put their selfish needs in front if their partners. And the cycle continues. This is why the divorce rates go up after a previous divorce, not down!.[/B] _Posted via Mobile Device_


 

But there is the guarantee that the new woman you are with did not do this to you...some people are capable of affairs, and some would never consider it!



ExisaWAW said:


> People think that their spouse is the cause of their unhappiness. Really? Now if there's abuse, etc. I believe in ending the marriage, but most marriages can be saved, even after affairs. I guess if I had been given the chance to reconcile, I may have thought about the betrayal from time to time, but as long as we worked hard to create a lot of positive memories after the affair, the bad stuff would fade away.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Again... it may fade, but it is always there lurking in the shadows and all it takes is the wrong song, line in a movie, food, etc... and it's there! *Don't say "I may have thought about the betrayal from time to time" when you have no way of knowing*. I kept silent for years and when she treated a friendship like I was having an affair and told me that what I put her through was every bit as bad, I snapped and everything I held inside for years came rushing to the surface. I told her I had a friend, someone who was supportive, it was never sexual, no lunch, breakfast, drinks, coffee, just a friend and nothing more. I said in 30+ years I have never even held another girls hand and you're gonna treat me like I'm cheating. (I wasn't) She actually called my new job and asked this person (my bosses assistant) "How long have you been farking my husband? I finally said "Until I stick my d!ck into someone else you have nothing to talk about". This person moved 2,000 miles away 2 years ago and I have by far gone through more over having this female friend than I ever put her through over her affair! Keep in mind she owns a hair salon and cuts men's hair all day, she is still free to go dancing.. Where I gave her trust, I got accusations. She started therapy and is trying now - but for me... it's over and just a matter of time!


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## S4E (Apr 13, 2012)

ExisaWAW said:


> I guess if I had been given the chance to reconcile, I may have thought about the betrayal from time to time, but as long as we worked hard to create a lot of positive memories after the affair, the bad stuff would fade away.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh..and one more thing - It's easy for you to stand in judgement and say this when you don't really have a clue what you're talking about since your unfaithful wife did you the favor of leaving! Trust me, if it ever happens the bad stuff does not just fade away - you just have to learn to process it or tell yourself lies every time it comes up about how your wife was taken advantage of and manipulated by the OM... That works for awhile, maybe forever... but it's always there!


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## S4E (Apr 13, 2012)

hopefulgirl said:


> Like any grief or any trauma, you can't undo the loss or the traumatic event(s) - time and healing are the only way to achieve some sense of peace in your life. Right now, with the separation, your WS isn't helping you with your healing, and with infidelity, the WS is always the key person when it comes to healing..


My wife has cried about this and I caught her crying one morning when she thought I left for work and I came back for something. She was crying uncontrollably and said I'm so sorry i did this to you. But other than a few short burst of emotion, she generally says this happened many years ago, this is not who she is now, and she needs to move forward from it - the problem is, I'm stuck!



hopefulgirl said:


> It would be nice if healing didn't require "work" but it does. It takes effort and compassion and the ability to see the big picture. A person is more than all the bad that they did during the affair - you have to be able to see and consider the other things that they have done, too. If the other stuff was decent and kind and fun and laudable and maybe even a little wonderful thrown in, you have to be able to weigh THAT in the balance too. The marriage has to be measured by more than just the affair as well...


I agree, but the cut was too deep. She has all of these qualities - including the wonderful, but if you read my story - the cut was too deep. I thought I could handle it but I can't and I no longer want to try. This has been a part of me for too long and I have to put it and her behind me! Sure she has done a lot of good and is a good person! But she's a good person who was effing me and my so called best friend at the same time. She would slow dance with me at night looking into my eyes making me feel like I was the most special guy in the world, give me a BJ on the way home from dancing (yes this happened more than once), go home and "make love" to me, and then do him the next morning on her way to work? Who does that kind of sh!t? Not someone I can trust or respect! Would she do it now? I seriosly believe NO - But I seriously believed NO back then too! 



hopefulgirl said:


> If in your pain you let yourself lose sight of the whole person that your spouse is, you may decide to divorce the cheater in her without fully recognizing she's much more than that - this is more likely if you haven't given it your all when it comes to the hard healing work. (And boy, is it hard work.) I think at the end of the day, before someone gets out of a marriage, it's good to know that you HAVE given it your all. That you've done your best, worked really hard to heal, to repair the marriage, to move forward, to live with compassion, to strive toward forgiveness and love. If you've done that, and it didn't work, then I think you can move on with a clear conscience.


My conscience will never be clear because I begged her to stay, she did, she held up her end of the bargain, and now I want to move on... I seriously thought over time it would fade. We've had some amazing times over these past 12 + years since her affair... But it's just always been there, and I'm tired of it and him and her...tired...sick and tired!


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## S4E (Apr 13, 2012)

Lovemytruck said:


> Life is a gamble that we as individuals can't control. We might get cancer. We might get struck by lightning. We might marry a low committment partner. We might divorce and marry someone that is no better. My argument is that if I know I am married to a person that will cheat on me, wouldn't the gamble to try again with a different person be worth it? What is the worst that happens? The new spouse also cheats? Lol! Toss your coin and pray for heads. At least with life's experience, we can make a wiser choice than we did the first time.
> 
> Resentment has much to do with it. I feel that I can start a new life with no resentment instead of dealing with a mountain of resentment for a WS that betrayed me. Betrayed not only with sexual infidelity, but with lying, deceipt, defaming, etc.
> 
> ...


:iagree: This could all have been written by me and is EXACTLY where my head is right now!!! Yes, I feel bad but I am tired of 3 plus years on the fence! Limbo does suck, I do feel like I am punishing my spouse and although she just told me yesterday she is fighting for me and not giving up, I feel in the long run - we will both be better off "having a fresh start based on love without resentment".. Love without resentment - I avtually remember that and it was a beautiful thing! Thank you!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You've tried so hard and you know how you feel. In my opinion, it just is what it is. You've certainly given things a lot of time and you've dedicated a lot of yourself to trying to make things work. Sometimes the wounds of infidelity are too much. 

I'd say the vast majority of people on this board, myself included, are very fortunate in the large scheme of things. We're not living in a war zone or held prisoner or facing desperate illness or grinding poverty. We are, for the most part, fortunate in that we can make choices to live our own lives. You have a right to your choice, OP. You can choose to decide for yourself. It's OK to want to be happy, isn't it? Surely, there's nothing wrong with making a choice now to be happy.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

S4E said:


> My conscience will never be clear because I begged her to stay, she did, she held up her end of the bargain, and now I want to move on... I seriously thought over time it would fade. We've had some amazing times over these past 12 + years since her affair... But it's just always been there, and I'm tired of it and him and her...tired...sick and tired!



Every bargain has a termination clause, either implicit or explicit. If you want to terminate the bargain fairly, give her the appropriate notice.


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## S4E (Apr 13, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> S4E wants honest opinions not colored by his past. He is leaving out a very important part to his situation. His case is INSANELY different than many people giving him advice to tough it out. IMO, it isn't a true trigger, it is fresh in his mind for a reason.


I left out my story and posted this story written by someone else because I finally found an article that validated my feelings, my guilt, and where my head was at as well as why! I wanted to know if others experienced this remorse years later as well and if the pain would ever really go away. I guess only if I can go back to justifying how and why it happened, and putting it forever behind me. I know how my mind works and honestly I don't think that will ever happen. Doi love my wife? Yes I do. But I think I love her enough to let her go and hope she finds happiness with someone else because I don't believe it can happen with me. There are too many layers on this onion now and she has resentment as well... Lovemytruck said it best and pretty much descibes what I believe in my heart... "I think the WS should be free to pursue a relationship where they too can have a fresh start based on love without resentment. If you love them, set them free!" It's a sad end to a love story, but it is what it is


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

S4E said:


> My wife has cried about this and I caught her crying one morning when she thought I left for work and I came back for something. She was crying uncontrollably and said I'm so sorry i did this to you. But other than a few short burst of emotion, she generally says this happened many years ago, this is not who she is now, and she needs to move forward from it - the problem is, I'm stuck!
> 
> *She probably does need to move forward.*
> 
> ...


Hell, you are honest. 

I occasionally deal with the guilt of wanting out after an attempt for 8 months at R. I am now enjoying a new marriage with a much different woman. It does make me feel a little guilty because I am very happy, and I know my exWW is struggling to find herself.

It seems that nobody enjoys a lack of security in their marriage. If you really do want your wife to have a complete relationship, it probably will have to be with a different man.

She is still thinking that you might leave. The fear of you leaving might be worse than the reality of doing it. Change is difficult. Often it is better after the acceptance of a new life settles in.

My rationale to deal with my guilt over leaving my exWW is that we are both free to find, create, develop better new relationships.

You obviously are at a point where you have mulled it over for YEARS. Don't let the fear of a new life limit your potential.

Hope I didn't come across as too preachy. Just my opinion after seeing the things you have posted.

The new life may exceed your expectations. It worked for me.


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## S4E (Apr 13, 2012)

aug said:


> I'll take a stab at it...
> 
> First, there are more women than men at this period of life.
> 
> ...


I have only recently thought about the idea of maybe down the road actually dating someone else??? I have been married for my entire life since I was 18. My first marriage lasted 2 years, the second 31 (although I always say we started over after the affair). I know both times I jumped right into relationships and fell hard for people I didn't really know. I want to try being friends with people and going out for motorcycle rides, movies, dinner, bands, dancing, whatever and just enjoy the company as friends. If something clicks at some point - great, but I am in no hurry, I just want to have fun without having this black cloud over me. When I have triggers and think about him, I'll know the person I'm with had nothing to do with it. Maybe I'm fooling myself, but I have actually thought ahead to a life on my own and I like it. 

I think you're probably right about all of your points except maybe #5. I'm sure that's true for most guys and I guess most of the woman I've found myself attracted to do end up being 5-10 years younger than me (my wife is 4)... but through a riding group I belong to I have recently become friends with a couple of women that are both 4 years older than me and I find them quite attractive? And yes - one actually asked me if I was married and I said yes... but it was good for my ego to have someone ask!


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## S4E (Apr 13, 2012)

Lovemytruck said:


> Hope I didn't come across as too preachy. Just my opinion after seeing the things you have posted.


No way! Thank you so much, your words are straight out of my head and just what I need to hear. I need validation for how I think and feel! I have told my wife that I want to try a seperation. She fights it because she says once I leave it will be over. I have said if it is then that is what's meant to be. I don't want to beat her up about this any longer. I have also said that even if we do reconsile, at some point I would NEED TO DIVORCE HER... I have made it clear that in my mind our marriage died back then and if we ever were to move forward, a big healing step would be getting divorced and a new beginning. I don't think she likes that idea, but finally - I am doing what I need to do for me! First step is an out of house seperation so I can decide where I want to take my life without the daily guilt of the look on her face as she or I says goodnight first and goes to bed alone in our seperate rooms.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I've had the experience of PTSD that hit me many years after the trauma. The traumatizing wound never really healed, I discovered. Instead, I had just lived day to day - yes, my life had rewards and there was happiness, but there was a background anxiety that finally came to a head. I have to say that the resolution was truly cathartic. The experience turned me into a different person. I, too, had guilt and resentment, but was finally able to be OK with it all, to just let it go and move on. I was so much more solid and at peace & have been so ever since.

I could be projecting, S4E, but I wish that cathartic effect for you. Your W never really dealt with the hurt that she caused the both of you and now she may finally have to do that. Her resolution will be much more bittersweet than yours, though, in my opinion.

I wish you well whatever you choose to do.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Lovemytruck said:


> ... The fear of you leaving might be worse than the reality of doing it.


I agree with this. This is my experience as well.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

S4E said:


> I left out my story and posted this story written by someone else because I finally found an article that validated my feelings, my guilt, and where my head was at as well as why! I wanted to know if others experienced this remorse years later as well and if the pain would ever really go away. I guess only if I can go back to justifying how and why it happened, and putting it forever behind me. I know how my mind works and honestly I don't think that will ever happen. Doi love my wife? Yes I do. But I think I love her enough to let her go and hope she finds happiness with someone else because I don't believe it can happen with me. There are too many layers on this onion now and she has resentment as well... Lovemytruck said it best and pretty much descibes what I believe in my heart... "I think the WS should be free to pursue a relationship where they too can have a fresh start based on love without resentment. If you love them, set them free!" It's a sad end to a love story, but it is what it is


Then it is time to move on. It'll hurt, but you both can start fresh. 

I quoted MattMatt because he is correct in a normal situation. Many of the people in R deal with their feelings, have the big secondary confrontations and get to mutually work on issues with their spouses. When they give good advice, I normally agree. MattMatt is 100% correct about letting triggers go IF, your reconciliation is normal. You never got to deal with the triggers, have a true secondary confrontation concerning these feelings or have her working on YOUR END of the R. That's what many people forget, R is a two way street. You both need to support each other through the difficult periods. Your R, IMO, was strictly one way to her benefit and your detriment.

She got to move on, bury the affair and never deal with the ramifications. I'd argue you aren't necessarily triggering you are having PTSD episodes. On your side that anger, hurt, disgust, embarrassment and emotions festered with no outlet. Then when that damn was bursting, your new counselor opened the flood gate and 12 years worth of sewage was finally freed. It has now basically ended your marriage.

Psych101 don't hold me to that opinion.


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## S4E (Apr 13, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Then it is time to move on. It'll hurt, but you both can start fresh.
> 
> She got to move on, bury the affair and never deal with the ramifications. I'd argue you aren't necessarily triggering you are having PTSD episodes. On your side that anger, hurt, disgust, embarrassment and emotions festered with no outlet. Then when that damn was bursting, your new counselor opened the flood gate and 12 years worth of sewage was finally freed. It has now basically ended your marriage.
> 
> Psych101 don't hold me to that opinion.


I actually told my therapist that I had most of the symptoms of PTSD. She said she really didn't want to put that as the diagnosis and have it on my records? I don't know what difference it makes, but she used a different diagnosis and said she didn't completely agree that it was PTSD. I have actually gotten worse since leaving therapy and may find another therapist... I feel uncomfortable going out and not asking my wife to go along, but I don't want her to go with because she acts like everythings fine and I don't want to keep putting on the false illusion around friends anymore. Usually I either just stay out after work, or I go home, do a few chores, waste time on the computer or play guitar, and have a few drinks (it's become a daily ritual that I need to stop), and then I go to bed alone wondering what the hell I'm doing?

I still am and probably always will be confused. My wife has so many good qualities. She was amazing with my mom when she was alive, I see her doing hair for disabled kids and the elderly and she is so good with them, she really is an outgoing person, she loves to have fun, she works very hard at her job and around the house, and she has a lot of spirit and I'm afraid leaving will crush that - That's not what I want. But I just can no longer stomach or get over what she did to me (or maybe I just don't want to?) 

I used to always rationalize that she was a victim and now that I know she wasn't, now that I know she actually liked the attention and the sex, now that I know she pursued him because "she got greedy", now that I realize all the pain this not only caused me but other people including the OM's ex girlfriend who still can't be in a relationship to this day because she had been cheated on by a previous husband (my wife knew this)... I just can't accept it!!! I actually get nauseous when I think about it and I can feel the anger build to where I want to throw or hit something! I wish I could just put it away, focus on the good, and move forward..we have 30+ years and it pisses me off that it's ending this way - but I didn't do this... and I have to get over feeling bad for everyone else!

I have been honest with her about where I'm at and that I need to do my own thing at least for awhile, but last weekend I took her on a short 60 mile motorcycle ride with me because it was a big local event and so I asked her if she'd like to ride with (just thought I'd try to be nice)...and I was uncomfortable with her hanging on to me...and of course she started rubbing my back and I tightened up and started thinking about things and felt the rage building. I shouldn't ask, but again, I feel bad...

She has always exaggerated things and I often found myself uncomfortable sticking up for her but I usually did, and yet if I called her out on it, I was always the a-hole who was putting her down... so I usually just kept quiet. She says she can tell that I'm angry and she feels like everything she does annoys her and that's actually become somewhat true. She said I wish things could go back to how they were before all of this came back out..then she caught herself and said "how she thought things were".

I wish I could go back to how I thought things were before her affair too... Sadly - that's just not possible! Thanks for the comments and replies...


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

A lot of PTSD is about unresolved guilt. A lot. In my experience, the guilt at the crux of it is often not the obvious, which in your case is the guilt of leaving her now. Rather, it is often something simple from the time of the trauma.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

> I still am and probably always will be confused. My wife has so many good qualities. She was amazing with my mom when she was alive, I see her doing hair for disabled kids and the elderly and she is so good with them, she really is an outgoing person, she loves to have fun, she works very hard at her job and around the house, and she has a lot of spirit and I'm afraid leaving will crush that - That's not what I want.


 You know what's interesting? This may be the entire problem. Your rage and hurt is now resentment. You watched her step up, do all these great things and you suffered. She kept her family, she kept you, she kept her life and she never had to address the issue until now. Even now, she wants it to be like it was, well like it was during the twelve years you swallowed your emotions. 

The best analogy about your marriage is a chipped windshield. If you get it filled (address the problem), soon after it happens, it'll last longer and be an easier cheaper fix. Let it go too long it cracks or it shatters and needs to be replaced. 



> But I just can no longer stomach or get over what she did to me (or maybe I just don't want to?)


 If you didn't want to, you wouldn't have tried for 12 years. The fact she is shocked and hurt means you made a valiant attempt at putting it in the past. Yet, as most of us know on TAM, you can't move past the affair deal with the repercussions.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

S4E said:


> I still am and probably always will be confused. My wife has so many good qualities.
> .
> .
> .
> ...


S4E, I completely relate to all of this except the part about feeling bad for everyone else. Well, I feel sympathy but not guilt for other innocent bystanders who have been hurt.

We've been married just over 30 yrs. Now I find out my marriage never was what I thought it was, and I never knew the real her. There are things I know she did which are contrary to who I thought she was, and which are not the actions of a kind caring person. Also there are things which I don't know but suspect are out there. These are the toughest in a way because the imagination runs wild and I do the comparison of the imagined thing (must have been fun/wild/amazing/sexy) compared to me (must be boring/unsexy/undesirable). The comparison is false and unreasonable, yet common with infidelity. Mind movies suck.

Yet if you knew my wife well, you would describe her as a lively, accomplished, intelligent, caring person. She is professionally successful, very involved with charities, does community service, etc.

In some ways we are a very good match. The places we aren't perfect can be worked on.

But what she did? It is a bitter pill to swallow. And there is a feeling of being the fool, of being humiliated by her. And she knows *all* the facts of what she did, so doesn't she view me as the humiliated fool?????

If only she hadn't done those things. But she did. I'm the one paying the price, not her. She says, "Stop thinking about the past. Get over it. Concentrate on the future".


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

S4E seek treatment for your PTSD?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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