# Has anyone had an extremely remorseful WS but still divorced



## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

Not sure if this is the right section to ask this but here goes:

Many years ago i was engaged to my childhood sweet heart who lived right across the street from me we were so close and had what i thought a very special bound. Long story short she tells me she wants to have a little fun before she is ready to settle down. 
we were in collage at the time she goes out with her friends one night and you guessed it cheated on me, of coarse the next day she begins to act very strange, Sad and upset. like she wanted to tell me something. but before she could get the courage up, a friend of mine spilled the beans, he saw her that night.

I ask her if it is true and she comes clean with all the details , along with a lot of crying and begging for forgiveness. For me our special bound was gone forever, i was kind to her but firm in my decision to break everything off with her. This seemed to devastate her but i did not have it in me to try and put things back together.

She tried to get me back for 6 years, she did not date during that time as far as i know, she even tried to get my family and friends to help her at least be friends. there was no way i was willing to have anything to do with her.

I got married to a wonderful and beautiful woman who was smart and knew what she wanted. the best part she was and still is totally devoted to me and me her. 

right after i was married my x contacted my new wife and wished her all the happiness and said she would no longer try to contact me.

So many years gos by, I heard ( our family's are friends) she moved out of state married some guy, they had one son and he Cheated on her, it looks like she was like me in that she divorced him and moved back to my hometown.

The reason i am asking this question now is this : I ran into her in the hardware store recently, i did not recognize her at first. but she did me. well , we talked a little while just small talk and i could not help but since some sadness in her, I assumed that it might be because of the break up of her marriage. but as i said goodby and stared to walk away she handed me her card with her personal cell# written on the back. when i realized what it was , i handed it back to her and said no thank you and left. i looked back as i was walking away and i think i saw her with tears in her eyes.

I plan on never contacting her, but it has made me think that perhaps their is such a thing as true remorse. for me one of the reasons i would not forgive her was i thought and still do that it is not worth throwing good money after bad so to speak.


So, has anyone divorced a WS whom they felt was truly remorseful and why?


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

I would imagine that there are plenty that have and they like everyone, have a breaking point and what we will and won't accept ion our lives. No amount of remorse can wipe away the shame and disrespect that existed prior to the cheating. If one if willing to reconcile they need to forgive an move on, but they will never forget and need to decide if that is something they can live with for the rest of their life.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You were never married and both very young.

You moved on with her life and so did she.

I think at this point you didn't have to accept the phone number but you could have told her that you forgive her for what she did all those years ago and then gone your way.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Similar discussion:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...t-working-even-ws-doing-all-right-things.html


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## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

michzz said:


> You were never married and both very young.
> 
> You moved on with her life and so did she.
> 
> I think at this point you didn't have to accept the phone number but you could have told her that you forgive her for what she did all those years ago and then gone your way.


 Yea, i thought of this after i left, but by then it was to late and now i will not try to contact her, but who knows maybe i will see her out in public again someday.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

A couple of thoughts...

* Forgiveness is for the offended, not the offender.

* If you feel that you can forgive her, there's nothing wrong in doing so. Having said that, you don't have to let her know that you've forgiven her. Given that you're determined to have no contact w/ her, this should be all the easier for you.

* Forgiving does NOT mean forgetting.

* In the case of marriage, forgiveness and divorce aren't necessarily mutually exclusive; you can forgive, and then divorce *or* divorce, and then forgive. I'd suspect that the latter is most likely the more common of the two.

In either case, good for you! :toast:


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

I guess some cheaters are genuinely remorseful, but they also proved they could pass a certain threshold that non-cheaters won't. Why waste your time on a cheater when there are so many loyal people to settled down with?

I'm sure a lot of former bank robbers are remorseful, but I'm not hiring them to be a bank teller either.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"she even tried to get my family and friends to help her at least be friends. there was no way i was willing to have anything to do with her."

This is why it is important for BSs to NOT beg or plead for the relationship, or do anything to keep the relationship going.

Cutting off the relationship COMPLETELY frees the BS to heal and actually shifts the power dynamic to them if there ever is to be a chance of R.

I just posted about this in another thread where the BS was questioning why they were the one's begging and bending over backwards after the A.

Showing a WS immediate rejection not only frees the BS to heal, but often sends the WS into scramble mode chasing the person they just betrayed.

At that point, the BS gets the decision making power about whether or not to continue the relationship, as it should be since they are the wronged party.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

ReidWright said:


> I guess some cheaters are genuinely remorseful, but they also proved they could pass a certain threshold that non-cheaters won't. *Why waste your time on a cheater when there are so many loyal people to settled down with?*
> 
> I'm sure a lot of former bank robbers are remorseful, but I'm not hiring them to be a bank teller either.


Not so many, even if you pick the more favorable statistics. The chances to get another wayward are huge, around 70 %.
The back robber analogy doesn't apply then as they are a few.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Acabado said:


> Not so many, even if you pick the more favorable statistics. The chances to get another wayward are huge, around 70 %.
> The back robber analogy doesn't apply then as they are a few.


:iagree: this was my thought (and also one of my fears). If you look at the statistics they are definitely not in anyone's favor to find someone that hasn't cheated.

The analogy is fair though, as he stated some might be remorseful but he wouldn't hire them to be a teller. He was not commenting on the chances of finding one that was reformed, just that he wouldn't give a reformed one a chance to be a teller.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Man, that is a sad story. I feel bad for her, actually. It seems she regretted her decision very much and feels her life sucks as a result.

You did the right thing by not accepting the business card. It sent her a clear message that that door will stay closed. She needs to move on, but I do understand her sadness.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I think what you saw from her was regret, not necessarily remorse.

You really can't know how remorseful a person is without testing it. You didn't give her that chance - and that's understandable.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Have you told your wife about this?

I sure hope so.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Gabriel said:


> Man, that is a sad story. I feel bad for her, actually. It seems she regretted her decision very much and feels her life sucks as a result.
> 
> You did the right thing by not accepting the business card. It sent her a clear message that that door will stay closed. She needs to move on, but I do understand her sadness.


yeah is a sad story, she probably thinks that she met the love of her life and lost him (you know childhood friends, neighbors, families are close one to other), probably from her family she has also heard about Jef and how he is happily married and faithful to his wife after all this years and she can not help but to wonder how her life would have been if that night had never happened.

But it the other hand whe have no way to know how her aptitude would have been in case pf being forgiven, after all probably the fact that she crossed paths with someone who did not give second chances regarding infidelity is the thing that forged her actual personality, ans make her understand how destructive and how much is lost when a person cheats.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Mine was very remorseful and was so excited and happy during our attempted R. She was also extremely fearful I was going to walk away, which I did. She really did try hard...leaving sweet notes in my car about how amazing I was for giving her a second chance, sweet Facebook posts, texts, being really sweet. I tried really hard to make R work, but it simply turns out a PA is a straight up deal breaker for me. There's nothing she could have done to save our marriage after she spread for another dude. Nothing.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

I liked your comment not because you divorced in the end, I liked it because even against your nature you tried to save your family. Some Bs discover that they can overcome it, but I think the most important is having no regrets after taking a final action, whatever D or R.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Jeffery said:


> So, has anyone divorced a WS whom they felt was truly remorseful and why?


Well my x-wife claims she was sorry and wanted to keep the marriage, but whether she was truly remorseful, I don't know.

But it didn't matter to me. I couldn't stand the sight of her and a little over a month later, I left.

Why? Because the only way I was going to forget about what she did to me was to not be with her. That's just me. I wouldn't have gotten past it and if I had stayed, I'd look at her from time to time and see "cheater" stamped across her forehead.

I didn't want that life, so I left.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

manticore said:


> I liked your comment not because you divorced in the end, I liked it because even against your nature you tried to save your family. Some Bs discover that they can overcome it, but I think the most important is having no regrets after taking a final action, whatever D or R.


Thanks bro. I sure did - I agonized over it. She knew it would be a deal breaker for me - that's why she left, after her affair was over. Of course she didn't offer that up as a reason, I had to get it out of her. I pushed for R and she said "you're the type of man who will never forgive me for this". I said I would fight, and I fought, hard. But it was going to kill me. It was a literal twisting inside my guts - fighting to R - the biggest struggle I've ever experienced. I had never had such inner turmoil/conflict in my life, ever.

The worst part was breaking my kids' hearts, all over again.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Healer said:


> Thanks bro. I sure did - I agonized over it. She knew it would be a deal breaker for me - that's why she left, after her affair was over. Of course she didn't offer that up as a reason, I had to get it out of her. I pushed for R and she said "you're the type of man who will never forgive me for this". I said I would fight, and I fought, hard. But it was going to kill me. It was a literal twisting inside my guts - fighting to R - the biggest struggle I've ever experienced. I had never had such inner turmoil/conflict in my life, ever.
> 
> The worst part was breaking my kids' hearts, all over again.


Ugh.


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## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

harrybrown said:


> Have you told your wife about this?
> 
> I sure hope so.


immediately. that is our agreement. just before we were married my wife and I sat down together and had a long discussion. basically you tell me everything from your past and I tell you everything from my past and if we still get married that is never to be brought up again and have no power in our relationship. also, if one of our past ex's never did come into contact that's the other one would be notified immediately. I know every marriage is different, but this has worked really well for us
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

When I was in my early twenties I was dating a girl who was a wonderful person. I was not ready to settle down so I did not have the overall commitment to the relationship that she did. I did not cheat on her but I would spend extra time with friends and was very involved in sports.

She was ready for more of a one on one type of relationship that would eventually lead to marriage. She one day informed me she was ending our relationship because I was not meeting her needs. I tried to convince her to stay in the relationship but that I was not ready to give her what she was looking for but maybe in the future. Well...she stuck to her guns and moved on without me.

It was a very painful break up for me. For several years after the break up she was in my heart. My experience with her taught me that in order to keep someone in your life you have to meet their needs as well. I used this knowledge to fully commit to marriage. 

Years went by and by a freak chance encounter I ran into my old girlfriend. She turned out to be a really special woman. Wife, mother, nurse & etc she excelled at. I was so proud of her. I realized afterwards that "our breakup" was a gift from her to me. It help me grow up as a man.

By leaving your WW you might actually be helping her grow up. Her pain today might be her gain tomorrow.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Gabriel said:


> Ugh.


Yup. And then some.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Well done, you did the right thing. Keep in mind that she's probably romanticized your relationship to some degree. I wouldn't even have called your wife, just removed myself from the situation.

Personally I find the slipping the cell number thing to be trashy on her part since she knows you're married. Definitely fishing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

I salute your boundaries OP!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> I salute your boundaries OP!


:iagree:


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

She doesn't sound very remorseful about being a cheater. Because if she was she wouldn't be trying to slip a married man her phone number. Sounds like she was just sorry she got caught and now wants to reclaim what she feels she was entitled to all those years ago. You should of torn up the card in front of her. 

In any event, you seem like a class act OP. I admire your integrity.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I do not believe in "true" remorse.

The reason why is that they were having a wild time betraying and had the remorse AFRER they were caught. In fact, if when a betrayer is on their death bed and if they were hooked up to a truth machine and asked what the the thing they did in their life that gave them the biggest thrill, it'd be the betrayal. So, no, I sincerely doubt "true" remorse for the actual betrayal is ever found.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

Healer said:


> Mine was very remorseful and was so excited and happy during our attempted R. She was also extremely fearful I was going to walk away, which I did. She really did try hard...leaving sweet notes in my car about how amazing I was for giving her a second chance, sweet Facebook posts, texts, being really sweet. I tried really hard to make R work, but it simply turns out a PA is a straight up deal breaker for me. There's nothing she could have done to save our marriage after she spread for another dude. Nothing.


There's a lot of good stuff in this post. I sometimes wonder if my wife's PA is a deal breaker that I'm just too scared to acknowledge. I'm still in R and she is great but I'm still broken inside. I just don't feel like I did before dday. On a scale of 1-10 I'd rate my marriage as a 9.5 before dday (I won't say 10 simply because I don't believe in perfection). We hit a low of 3 and are sitting at about 6.5 or 7 now. If you ask her (I have) she'll say we are a 10 because I'm good at acting better than I feel. I really want to feel like I used to and am not sure if I can stay feeling the way I do.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Acabado said:


> Not so many, even if you pick the more favorable statistics. The chances to get another wayward are huge, around 70 %.
> The back robber analogy doesn't apply then as they are a few.


What if someone were to pick 14% ?

An oft quoted statistic on how many wives cheat at least once during their lifetimes. Respectable source.


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## Sarah14 (May 31, 2014)

Healer said:


> Thanks bro. I sure did - I agonized over it. She knew it would be a deal breaker for me - that's why she left, after her affair was over. Of course she didn't offer that up as a reason, I had to get it out of her. I pushed for R and she said "you're the type of man who will never forgive me for this". I said I would fight, and I fought, hard. But it was going to kill me. It was a literal twisting inside my guts - fighting to R - the biggest struggle I've ever experienced. I had never had such inner turmoil/conflict in my life, ever.
> 
> The worst part was breaking my kids' hearts, all over again.


I am going through a similar thing. Can you tell me how your kids are adjusting? Do they seem okay today?


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Healer said:


> It was a literal twisting inside my guts - fighting to R - the biggest struggle I've ever experienced. I had never had such inner turmoil/conflict in my life, ever.


Words so true, no one ever can understand unless they go through this themselves. 

-sammy


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

confusedFather said:


> There's a lot of good stuff in this post. I sometimes wonder if my wife's PA is a deal breaker that I'm just too scared to acknowledge. I'm still in R and she is great but I'm still broken inside. I just don't feel like I did before dday. On a scale of 1-10 I'd rate my marriage as a 9.5 before dday (I won't say 10 simply because I don't believe in perfection). We hit a low of 3 and are sitting at about 6.5 or 7 now. If you ask her (I have) she'll say we are a 10 because I'm good at acting better than I feel. I really want to feel like I used to and am not sure if I can stay feeling the way I do.


Right with you,Confused, even down to the numbers. I rate my M as a 7 or 7.5 tops, and don't expect it to get better because of the post-A damage. I'm not broken inside anymore, but definitely do not feel capable of reaching 10 in this marriage. 7.5 is enough for me at this stage of life.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Sarah14 said:


> I am going through a similar thing. Can you tell me how your kids are adjusting? Do they seem okay today?


My kids are doing really well. They're happy. And we are closer than ever before - it has strengthened our bond.

It took a little time of course - my son retreated inward at first and my daughter became extremely insecure. "Are you mad??" and "I'm sorry" constantly - for everything. But they are both passed that now. 

Kids will reflect your behaviour - or the behaviour of the stronger parent. If you show strength and are happy, or at least adjusting and coping well, they will too.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I guess the reason one invokes ZERO TOLERANCE, as to trying R---is based on the situation.

If married with kids---that factors in, if in a long mge, as opposed to a short just beginning mge---that factors in, money factors in

Lots of different variables---will go to determine that the Betrayed ends up doing----even tho, there are those, who go with zero tolerance no matter what----for it is their life, and their choice

The wandering spouse also had choices, and some regret those choices till the day they die


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

My ex husband has been remorseful, even appeared suicidal at one point, but still received an instant :redcard: and lifetime disqualification. I guess he shouldn't have married such a soulless woman in the first place.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

adriana said:


> My ex husband has been remorseful, even appeared suicidal at one point, but still received an instant :redcard: and lifetime disqualification. I guess he shouldn't have married such a soulless woman in the first place.


If by soulless woman you mean a woman of conviction then I agree.


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