# No birthday acknowledgment



## Katiemelanie (Apr 20, 2015)

I'm feeling really bad for feeling this way, but today is my birthday and my husband didn't get me a card. Last year he got me a card with $2 in it. I told him that I thought that was a bit strange. He has money, and honestly...I would have just preferred a card. But this year nothing. And I'm kinda mad, but then feel really stupid for feeling this way. I do so much for him and his children and he does do nice things for me, but only when he does something wrong and then feels bad about it (like treating me like ****). He is upset with me because I'm upset. I wanted to have dinner with my family and make it a quiet dinner. My mom spent 2 hours cooking (also because it is Easter). We ate and then all the sudden he had to go home because he got a work email and had to do something on the computer real quick. I definitely feel kinda crappy.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

:birthday: Katie


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Yeah, that's pretty crap. Is he part of a religion that has something against celebrating birthdays? Does he get his children gifts on their birthdays?


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## Katiemelanie (Apr 20, 2015)

breeze said:


> Yeah, that's pretty crap. Is he part of a religion that has something against celebrating birthdays? Does he get his children gifts on their birthdays?


Nope and yes. And when it is his birthday I go all out. I think he may feel bad because he is treating me pretty crappy today and trying to make me feel bad about the way HE feels. But geeze! A card. Even if he wrote me a letter on printer paper...I would be happy. And writing this makes me feel like a spoiled brat.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Katiemelanie said:


> Nope and yes. And when it is his birthday I go all out. I think he may feel bad because he is treating me pretty crappy today and trying to make me feel bad about the way HE feels. But geeze! A card. Even if he wrote me a letter on printer paper...I would be happy. And writing this makes me feel like a spoiled brat.


You are not a spoiled brat. You are a slighted and hurt wife, dammit!

He should know better. In fact he does know better.

He really should sharpen his act.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Last year my H did not get me a card, and I let him know how much that hurt me. It was the first time since we have been together I did not get a card, he felt bad after I said something to him especially he was too busy to race home to chat with his group buddies. When I found out that was why he said he forgot I was a little more upset, I like you go all out for him as well.

this year he did get me one, and has started making an effort with the little things as well.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Happy Birthday! And I'm sorry. I'd be hurt as well.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I've been through this. It got better only after I changed.

Every year he did little to nothing for my birthday. Every year I bought him b-day gifts, had the kids get him things, cooked a special meal and had cake.

Then one year I just ignored his birthday. He complained. I told him that I had become clear to me through him ignoring my birthday every year that birthdays were not important to him. So all those years when I made a big deal out of his birthday I was clearly making him uncomfortable.

On my next birthday got me a gift, had the kids get me things, cooked a nice dinner and got me a cake... and he did that every year after ....

See you put up with his dissing you for your birthday. Sure you complain a bit. But then you shower him with attention for his birthday so he things all it good. 

Stop doing for him what he will not do for you.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> You are not a spoiled brat. You are a slighted and hurt wife, dammit!


 A small gift, or a gift you didn't like might have been "spolit"... but yeah I agree.. 2bucks and a card is an insult, good reason to be annoyed.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Ok, thinking outside the box here......you say on his birthday you go all out, maybe he doesn't like that and maybe he is trying to send you a message that his/your birthdays are no big deal and he would just as soon not make a fuss over them. Last year he gave you $2, pretty insulting, yet this year did you again make a big deal out of his birthday? So this year he pushes it even further by not acknowledging your birthday at all thinking you will get ticked off and then not acknowledge his.

I speak from experience on this scenario, I don't like being fussed over and never enjoyed celebrating my birthdays, yet every year my wife (ex) would make a big deal out of it. And every year I would tell her not to, but she never listened, it always bothered me she couldn't respect my wishes. Though I never took your husbands approach.

Certainly a passive aggressive approach if that's what he's doing, but thought I would throw that scenario out there. Or he could just be an insensitive turd.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> I've been through this. It got better only after I changed.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Perfect advice. 
But as someone else pointed out you might want to make sure he really likes having you go all out over his birthday.
My H does not like birthdays...calls it just another day. When we were first married I went huge and all out and he flipped. Said I should have known him better that he really hates it. Now we do something more quiet. Cake and a meal but no huge fuss and just a small gift.
He does the same for me even though I love birthdays and feel like it should be your special day. However in the end we are both compromising. He is accepting a bit of fuss and I'm accepting less.

I would simply ask him why he seemed to ignore your birthday. 

Anyway...happy birthday


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

How has the marriage been the past several months? Getting better?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Katiemelanie said:


> Even if he wrote me a letter on printer paper...I would be happy.


Buy him this thank you gift for that handwritten letter you will cherish forever!










Cheers,
Badsanta


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## Bitteratwomen (Jun 21, 2014)

Happy Birthday, it sucks that he forgot your birthday. Im guilty of that as well though.I have a terrible memory.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> You are not a spoiled brat. You are a slighted and hurt wife, dammit!
> 
> He should know better. In fact he does know better.
> 
> ...


i'm thinking something like this, but in much stronger terms.

with language that would get *****!


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I just had a birthday and got nothing from my wife either. I know how bad it feels. Sorry that's happened to you.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Happy birthday! And sorry.

How long have you been together? 

Sounds like gifts is high up there as one of your love languages. It's maybe not one of his. You both don't need to have the same LL's just to speak each other's. (Although I'm glad we both not gift people.)


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I think getting $2 in a card is WAY more insulting than getting nothing, personally. Katie, Im sorry he blew off your special day, no excuse for that.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Why $2?!? What were you supposed to do with $2?!? 

Buy a scratch ticket or a pack of gum? Really?!? Did you ask him?

Why not give just the card... he's either a fvcking idiot or mean as fvck.

There's no other explanation. Either way, you shouldn't be married to him. 

You can't blame him as long as you stay in this relationship, he gets what he wants. 

$2 must be the annual tip for being his maid. Stop being a doormat and dump him.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

That sucks. When his birthday comes around don't do anything. I would just take the day and go out by myself. Let him have fun alone.> I can be pretty mean.

Jackass. Some people are just jerks.


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

Having read and followed your other threads I have to say that I'm not surprised at all that he did this. He's showing you how much he cares about you, what he thinks of you and how much he respects you. 

And if you say anything to him about how hurt you feel, he'll turn it around and make it sound like it's all your fault. 

Has his abusive behavior stopped?


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

I feel your pain girl. Many many years of nothing for any special occasion. I stopped doing for him and although he was butt hurt, it didn't get through to him that I was just doing what he had been doing for years. It took our marriage counselor for him to understand (recently) what all those years of nothing meant to me.

You gotta talk and tell him how you feel and get some insight into why he "forgot".

Hang in there...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Forgot? That's why we have calendars, dipsh!t.

Repeat after me: Nothing for his birthday - not even a "Happy Birthday".


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## Katiemelanie (Apr 20, 2015)

Yeah...thank you everyone. I guess I shouldn't feel guilty or selfish for feeling this way. Things are not awesome in our marriage. He says he loves me and sends me sweet messages and does nice things, but sometimes he can be a complete jerk. Like today...we have several people coming over to get house estimates and he is leaving to run an errand in the middle of it after we had discussed that I need him here. I'm so done.


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## mitchell (May 19, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> I think getting $2 in a card is WAY more insulting than getting nothing, personally. Katie, Im sorry he blew off your special day, no excuse for that.


I agree and couldn't get past this! How in the world did he put $2 in a card and give that to you. It's unbelievably insulting. What could he have possibly been thinking?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Katiemelanie said:


> he is leaving to run an errand in the middle of it after we had discussed that I need him here. I'm so done.


Don't worry, I have some advice that will likely help you understand things much better as well as how to deal with feelings in the relationship in a way that improves your self confidence. The first thing is to realize is that you have to trust both...

...I got to run to the grocery store to get some cat food! I'll be right back.

Badsanta


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

badsanta said:


> Don't worry, I have some advice that will likely help you understand things much better as well as how to deal with feelings in the relationship in a way that improves your self confidence. The first thing is to realize is that you have to trust both...
> 
> ...I got to run to the grocery store to get some cat food! I'll be right back.
> 
> Badsanta


PS: In case you did not catch my humor, this is my sarcastic way of saying most men (even good ones) can be jerks. If you happen to find a nice guy, well then you should read up on what happens to "Mr. Nice Guy" in marriages.


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## Happykat (Mar 29, 2016)

Katie, what's your goal now? I mean, what do you really want and don't want after this happened?


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Between reading this thread and your "bath" thread, it seems like your H feels a lot of resentment towards you.

Why is that?


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## Kerry (Jan 9, 2009)

Same scenario here for my recent birthday.

Do you think he's punishing you for things that he's displeased about and that are unrelated to your birthday?

I do have a tip - don't EVER let another birthday go by where you wait for someone to make it nice for you. Make your birthdays (and each day) the best you can whatever it takes. You might have to start small, but start navigating in ways that make you feel good.

My bday was a few weeks ago and instead of feeling sorry for myself that my spouse "doesn't believe in birthdays", I planned a nice day for myself. I went to yoga the night before so I woke up feeling good, had lunch with a friend, and took a half-day off work to get a massage!

Does it still hurt that he withholds tiny things that would make a world of difference? Yep. Did I have a nice birthday anyway. Yep.

Don't wait for anything outside you to change! Make your life better for you. 

Happy (belated) birthday! You can always give yourself a little post-bday treat.

Kerry


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## Katiemelanie (Apr 20, 2015)

ThreeStrikes said:


> Between reading this thread and your "bath" thread, it seems like your H feels a lot of resentment towards you.
> 
> Why is that?


I'm not sure. I can guess and say it's because he feels bad about HIMSELF. I know I am not perfect, but I do a lot for this family. And I definitely feel taken advantage of sometimes. But as far as him having a legitimate reason to resent me...there is none.


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## Katiemelanie (Apr 20, 2015)

Hi behavior has sort of stopped. And I have definitely seen a pattern. When his stress is high/anxiety...he takes it out on me. I can go on and on about the things that he does, but he doesn't see it. And when I bring it to his attention he gets mad about that!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Breaking that pattern he has would require a great deal of time and energy and effort from him. Does he know if he doesn't get help to break the pattern that's a deal breaker for you?


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## Katiemelanie (Apr 20, 2015)

Openminded said:


> Breaking that pattern he has would require a great deal of time and energy and effort from him. Does he know if he doesn't get help to break the pattern that's a deal breaker for you?


Yeah. I told him that I refuse to live this way anymore. He gets really bad when his special needs son and daughter come over on the weekends. I told him that he needs to hire an aid for his son in order for him to come over anymore because this is a regular thing when they come over. He agreed and sent flowers to my work. Well...no aid has been hired yet. And he has the number to the aids and it's free (paid by the state) because they were adopted out of foster care. So really there is no excuse. But if I get one outburst I will leave the house. I can't handle it anymore. My stress level is through the roof.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Stress can certainly be a killer. 

Keeping good thoughts for you.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Katiemelanie said:


> Yeah. I told him that I refuse to live this way anymore. He gets really bad when his special needs son and daughter come over on the weekends. I told him that he needs to hire an aid for his son in order for him to come over anymore because this is a regular thing when they come over. He agreed and sent flowers to my work. Well...no aid has been hired yet. And he has the number to the aids and it's free (paid by the state) because they were adopted out of foster care. So really there is no excuse. But if I get one outburst I will leave the house. I can't handle it anymore. My stress level is through the roof.


Sounds like a good plan. Leaving him for the entire weekend to deal with everything on his own might be the only thing that will get through to him.


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