# Has any woman here successfully increased your drive?



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

I'm thinking on ways to do this. I mean so far so good on H's side, he's keeping his **** straight. What can I do? I'm healthy, our kids are healthy, we're employed, our bills are paid, we have nice things. What can I do? That's my New Years Resolution! Maybe I'm asking too much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Two things I can think of:

1) Don't worry about it so much. Worry and stress are libido killers.

2) Go with the flow. Be willing to engage in it and see if your arousal is spurred by doing this. I am this way often, and we make it work. And the more often you have sex, the more you seem to desire it. 

Desire In Women: Does It Lead To Sex? Or Result From It? | Psychology Today

Best wishes.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

LOL... I know you and I are on the same page . I just had a lot of time to think this week.... I want a solution. But alas, I should chill ;-)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

I agree with Enchantment's second point. Just try going with it and see if just having more sex makes you want more sex. It did for me.

My husband and I went from a couple of times a month to at least 5times a week a few months ago. First he had to get his act together and decide he wanted to be married. Once he really committed himself to that I had to do my part. Here's what I tried:
1) Started working out again, which made me feel better about myself and I had more energy left for him at the end of the day.
2) Made a little stockpile of favorite movies that sorta got me in the mood. Not all porn, just movies I found romantic or sexy. Sometimes we'd watch together, sometimes I'd watch one alone before he got home just to get in the mood a little. 
3) Just start. Even if I didn't think I wanted to sometimes I'd go along, and almost always I'd end up being glad I did and enjoying it. Pretty soon I wasn't just giving in, I was really wanting to as much as he was. 
4) I started telling him what I really liked and didn't like as much. If you're going to have lots of sex it had better be good.

Now honestly my drive is at least as high if not higher than his. I had no idea what I was missing.


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## annagarret (Jun 12, 2011)

You know what , you are already on to it. You feel great, life is great, that is so refreshing to hear. Maybe plan a weekly date night and then take him to a hotel. If you are comfortable buy a sexy nightie and text him for a jons call....you at the hotel and then he comes for sex....

blessings


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cherry said:


> I'm thinking on ways to do this. I mean so far so good on H's side, he's keeping his **** straight. What can I do? I'm healthy, our kids are healthy, we're employed, our bills are paid, we have nice things. What can I do? That's my New Years Resolution! Maybe I'm asking too much.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is your sex drive lower than it was at some time in the past?

There are things like progestrone creams that can increase sex drive. 

With women, the more good sex they have, generally the more their sex drive builds. Sex gets the hormones that give you a strong sex drive running.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

You have mentioned before that your husband is abusive and recently spit on you. Perhaps that is why your libido is low. You were considering leaving him but I guess that is not happening now.

When you lack trust, safety and intimacy in your marriage, your libido suffers. It has seemed from your previous posts that you lack these things and would explain your lower libido.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

EleGirl said:


> Is your sex drive lower than it was at some time in the past?
> 
> .


Interesting question, really. I don't know if I was horny in the past or craving attention prior to my marriage, I just know I didn't have hang ups with sex like I do now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Laurae1967 said:


> You have mentioned before that your husband is abusive and recently spit on you. Perhaps that is why your libido is low. You were considering leaving him but I guess that is not happening now.
> 
> When you lack trust, safety and intimacy in your marriage, your libido suffers. It has seemed from your previous posts that you lack these things and would explain your lower libido.


I can't leave and I honestly don't want to. We have been getting along pretty good since that incident. And our children need us to work together. I know it could simply be a matter of time until he has another violent episode...but I feel pretty confident he would leave the house, walk away, count to ten, breath, smoke a j, anything but put his hands on me violently. He knows what will happen now.

The whole abuse part has impacted a lot. And I suppose I need to give it more time. Either that, or live with the fact that I never had a strong drive to begin with, and abuse hasn't helped matters. I was always a sexual person, but thinking back it most likely was for attention. And often times when H does touch me at first I do have brief thoughts of his ******* ways. It probably doesn't help that I quit drinking a few months ago, and I came to rely on getting drunk and just doing it. Guess I need to just relax some more. If my drive never comes back with him, I guess I have my long term answer to my marriage woes :-(
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Oh, darlin', that makes me sad to read. It is AWESOME that you quit drinking, though. That is a good move for you. Way to go!

I hope things change for you. Can you get some counseling just for you? 

I know leaving can be hard. I don't mean to bum you out, but when you don't trust your spouse (and why would you trust him) it gets in the way of sex. Sex is intimacy and intimacy requires trust and safety. 

You are a very insightful person and hope things continue to go well for you. Never give up believing in yourself, Cherry Baby! You deserve lots of good things.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

Has anyone heard of a product called Femtia? Supposedly it helps women get their sex drives going and wanting it more and has alot of good reviews on Amazon. Anyone ever try it?


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Thanks laurae, the drinking thing was escalating to an unhealthy manner, a coping mechanism. I eliminated it so that I can be more clear on my decisions in life. As long as peace remains the way it has in my marriage now, I will stay. I do have a solid safe plan in place if there is a next time. While I'm here, I want to try and enjoy the company of my H. Undeniably our connection has been lost.... That hurts to think about. I hope its not lost forever. Thank you for your kind words 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Cherry said:


> As long as peace remains the way it has in my marriage now, I will stay. I do have a solid safe plan in place if there is a next time. While I'm here, I want to try and enjoy the company of my H. Undeniably our connection has been lost.... That hurts to think about. I hope its not lost forever._Posted via Mobile Device_


But here's where I see the problem and where I believe you really, really need IC: as long as things are peaceful (meaning he's not abusing you), you feel great. You are basing your feelings on how another person treats you. With that mindset, you aren't setting boundaries; you are just going with the flow.

Mind you, the flow will change, sooner or later. Then what? Ride it out, and wait for "peace" again? I'm not sure I understand how you can enjoy the company of someone who, by their abusive actions, has severed the connection you once had. 

It may hurt like he!! to think about what has been lost, but change and growth always entails some hurt. As long as you can tolerate what you have, that is fine. It's your right. But I think there is a large dose of denial in the ingredients that make up your marriage.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Prodigal, what has kept me here is that throughout all he has remained a good father. Of course there is debate in that because of the abuse to me, their mother, but I really would prefer not to get into that. 

I do not see this as basing my feelings on another person. I have developed firm boundaries, before, my boundaries were probably etched in pencil... I have seen my husband overcome some of the toughest challenges, with statistical odds stacked against him and our marriage. The problem now is, yes, he may have broke an important connection, I don't know, that's why I'm asking if there is anything I can do to get my motor running. Is it him, is it health related, is it my twins, is it daily stress (I want to be a SAHM, I really do!!!! I don't want to work, I want to spend time with my kids :-()? 

And I do orgasm EVERY time, its awesome, he takes care of me orally to make sure. Unless its a quicky... Then he knows I don't mind not cumming. I'm beginning to think its a little of everything stacked against my libido :-(
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Cherry said:


> The whole abuse part has impacted a lot. And I suppose I need to give it more time. Either that, or live with the fact that I never had a strong drive to begin with, and abuse hasn't helped matters. ... often times when H does touch me at first I do have brief thoughts of his ******* ways.


You don't want to get into the abuse issues, but you state they may be the reason your drive has been affected. 

Guess there's nothing more to say. It's okay with me that you don't want to discuss it, but you brought it up here. If, as you say, it has had a large impact on your sex drive, then you have your answer.

As Laurae mentioned, lack of trust in one's spouse can get in the way of sex.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Prodigal said:


> You don't want to get into the abuse issues, but you state they may be the reason your drive has been affected.
> 
> Guess there's nothing more to say. It's okay with me that you don't want to discuss it, but you brought it up here. If, as you say, it has had a large impact on your sex drive, then you have your answer.
> 
> As Laurae mentioned, lack of trust in one's spouse can get in the way of sex.


Ugh, I wasn't the first to mention it here... And it most likely plays a big part, but if I removed that whole thing, would my drive still be low? That's all I'm trying to figure out. It may very well be that my drive is broken beyond repair, I wonder if its too early to tell or can our connection be repaired? Am I pushing myself to enjoy something that is pointless? I don't know the answers, I don't know if he caused this or did a 5 year series of events destroy my drive, did I ever really have a drive? I don't know. Guess its not a simple pill to fix it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Cherry said:


> ... most likely plays a big part, but if I removed that whole thing, would my drive still be low? That's all I'm trying to figure out.


Yes, I see what you're saying. I faced this same question, when my passion for hubs suddenly took a nose-dive. I think part of it could be you. Depression? Perhaps. Hormones? Perhaps. I can only speak for myself, but my hormones played a major role in my sex drive. When my estrogen went south and said bye-bye, my sex drive went kaput. Although I can't say I miss that monthly time when I wanted to grab a knife and go on a rampage, I sure miss those times when I wanted to go at it all night long ... sigh. 



Cherry said:


> It may very well be that my drive is broken beyond repair, I wonder if its too early to tell or can our connection be repaired?


Do you have a primary care physician? When was the last time you had a complete physical? This could be tied to a combination of physical and emotional factors. Regarding the connection with your husband, it CAN be repaired, but he has to take responsibility for his part in this. Your husband may never lay a finger on you again, but I think it's in the back of your mind that he might. After all, he is capable of it.

I think, at the least, you need to get into IC to discuss your concerns. Any chance your H would go to MC, even once?


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Cherry said:


> Ugh, it most likely plays a big part, but if I removed that whole thing, would my drive still be low? That's all I'm trying to figure out. _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are essentially saying "I know it's probably my abusive marriage, but I don't want to consider that, even though it's the most likely reason." It's the old elephant in the room!

I would get into IC or at least do MC with your husband. Maybe your husband can continue to change, but you letting him off the hook won't help that process. You getting tough and demanding respect and safety (both emotional and physical) may cause things to shift in a positive way. Living your life walking on egg shells is no way to live.

Keep posting and just understand that lots of people care about your well being. I don't judge you if you can't walk away right now. Only you know what is best for you and your kids. 

Happy New Year! I hope 2012 is a great year for you!


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Cherry said:


> Ugh, I wasn't the first to mention it here... And it most likely plays a big part, but if I removed that whole thing, would my drive still be low? That's all I'm trying to figure out. It may very well be that my drive is broken beyond repair, I wonder if its too early to tell or can our connection be repaired? Am I pushing myself to enjoy something that is pointless? I don't know the answers, I don't know if he caused this or did a 5 year series of events destroy my drive, did I ever really have a drive? I don't know. Guess its not a simple pill to fix it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi Cherry ~

Well, my bad for not going out and reading through some of your backstory. You know what, a person's drive and desire for sex can be a complicated thing. And if you've got a complicated relationship like you have... well... I don't think it can really be answered as to whether your drive would still be low or not if those complications smoothed out.

I have noticed that my drive is very firmly tied to my state of mind. If I'm in a really positive and good spot, it comes much easier and flows more freely.

I admire you for taking the steps that you have, Cherry. Keep that forward momentum going, and I would almost guess that as you get things more settled in your life and in yourself, you may be surprised at what can come back and the force at which it will do so. 

Best wishes.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Thank you ladies for your thoughts. I'm really trying to figure it all at. We have been to MC. I have not been to IC, but when I went through a treatment program for alcohol there was much individual focus. I need to look into IC... My deductible reset, so who the heck knows. Happy New Year!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

I was able to increase my drive during 2011.

The problem is...it didn't increase TOWARDS my husband. It just increased in general. 

I'm at the point now where my drive is slipping again and I really don't feel that inclined to fix it because I don't want sex with my husband.

So, that is a brief summary of my experience. You can increase drive, but it won't necessarily follow that you want sex with your husband.

I think some of the biggest things that increased mine was I started to masturbate (I hadn't since getting married), making an effort to think about sex and fantasize during the day, stop looking at sex as a chore but rather something I wanted to experience and enjoy. During the time my drive was at the peak I also made an effort to initiate sex and I became more vocal about what I wanted. I got some toys and started reading erotica, too.

I actually increased mine to a level that surpassed my husbands. So, I ended up being the one getting rejected on occasion. But I also had a goal of 3-4+ sexual encounters a week. I was trying to see if it would change other aspects of our marriage. It didn't.

Happy 2012!


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Thank you notaname. That's what I'm trying to figure out. I have found that a passing sexy pic of something, or an erotic story I've stumbled on does turn me on if only for a second. I haven't had much time to masturbate, but I do on occasion. So there is a hint of something there... I don't know if my drive for my H is a lost cause as you have determined with you H. But at least I can try to build it up with ways that you mentioned and see if it sticks.

We have our first date night this weekend (it's been forever!). I hope it goes well and I hope I can find a spark 

Thank you for sharing your experience. Happy 2012 to you too!


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Soooooo... My H and I have a date night this weekend. I suggested perhaps we can get a video to watch... I don't know, I've liked porn in the past, but due to all the crap he pulled with porn, I lost interest. I'm wondering out loud I guess if it can assist me in the bedroom. I'm scared and excited. We don't need the spice per say, or maybe I do... Who knows. Just wanted to share  Happy Friday.


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## illinoishubbyandwifey (Jan 6, 2012)

I agree with the person above that stress will kill it. Gotta relax and go with it. Also, I can honestly say that after my wife started weightlifting her attitude changed and she took us on a whole new level.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Soooo... This morning I initiated. That's a first in a long time. Our Saturday date was very nice... We want to the adult store, picked out a video each... Later on we watched it, we both got satisfied  and called it a night. So then he went out to wash the cars this morning, and I was sitting here playing Mario world and thought maybe we could watch his movie before our childfree weekend ended. Still too early to say for sure what it means... But I'm happy with the progress.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Progress is great! Keep up the good work.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Thanks.... We actually have another date night this weekend. One thing that tickled me this week was my H told me all week that a session like we had this weekend would keep him pretty satisfied for a while... and he didn't approach me for sex all week either. I mean we were intimate touchy feely, but not full out sex  We'll see how this goes!


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