# Hubby's sexual issues and fetish are hurting our marriage



## pride&prejudice (Jun 24, 2012)

Let me start with my hubby and I met in the US while he was on vacation . We started off as friends but after I visited him we became more and maintained a long distance relationship for a year and a half until he moved here. During that long distance time we spoke everyday if not twice a day and the only thing I asked him to do was to be open and honest no matter what because I had been married before and my ex had lied and just wasn't good for me(no need to smear him that's why he is an ex). I was completely honest about my past and what I want for my future including my sexual expectations (I wanted to have fun). We got married about 9 months after he moved here. We have been married for almost 5 yrs now. So now this is the behind the scenes story, there was always something odd when we would have sex; it just always seemed disconnected from the person I would talk to on the phone (if that makes sense) what I mean is the man I talk to on the phone who seemed very sexual was not the man I would get when we were in bed. Very missionary and after his supposed orgasm he would still be completely hard ,which I asked about but never got a real answer . Also after the supposed orgasm,there didn't seem to be any trace of it (if you know what I mean) and my hubby always had an excuse. One I decided I was going to used my skills and do everything to him ,but couldn't get any result. Hubby finally explained he is anorgasmic with intercourse and he had been faking it all along:'( he stated that he has been like this since he started having sex then he threw down that he only gets excited by feet and the only way he can orgasm is by masturbating while my feet are on his face or above his face. Needless to say I was stunned ...HE LIED.. And had lied all along , and now I was married to him and either I excepted it or I would have to go through another divorce.....uuuggggh(I didn't like it the first time) I figure we can work on this we could figure it out together ...well 4years later and we are now down to having sex randomly maybe once a month and sometimes that only consists of me rubbing my feet on his face while he masturbates, his form of sexting or talking dirty or pillow talk is him telling me or me telling him what he wants to do to my feet or should do to my feet. I have tried to get in to this but it just isn't my thing. I even tried to explain to him what I need and he says he just cant get into it. I don't even try anymore because of the constant rejection over the past four years. I slowly gave up. I don't even know what to ask him to do to help me orgasm because I know it does nothing for him so I can't get into it. 
Well here is the dilemma I am in... I have tried to be accepting and understanding but I NEED sex , I need a man to orgasm while I have sex with him because it is satisfying and a major turn on for me to know that I pleased him and that he enjoyed it as much as I did . Well just recently I have been receiving a lot of advances from a particular person and I have never let me repeat NEVER even considered cheating in my life but I am actually starting to consider it.... :'( Has anyone ever gone through this and figured out a balance? Is there hope for my hubby and I ? How do you get your head back in the game when it feels hopeless ? Any advise?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

pride&prejudice said:


> ... I have tried to be accepting and understanding but I NEED sex , I need a man to orgasm while I have sex with him because it is satisfying and a major turn on for me to know that I pleased him and that he enjoyed it as much as I did....


eh, I totally understand this, and I sympathizes with your plight. I used to totally clueless about this until my wife communicated her feelings to me in a way that gets through my (misaligned) concept of sexuality. 




> ...Has anyone ever gone through this and figured out a balance? Is there hope for my hubby and I ? How do you get your head back in the game when it feels hopeless ? Any advise?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There is always hope. Took my wife about 3 years to construct an argument that I could understand, but in the end she gets her messages through, and now we're having scheduled sex about 3 times a month, maybe 4 if all goes according to our plan, maybe more if there are bonus times. 

It's the matter of communication and how to best present your ideas in a way which your husband could relate as it is also interconnected with his own happiness.

I am wishing you the best!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

It is vital that you pull out all of the stops to fix this. You are about to compromise yourself and that will make you feel worse than you feel now. 

Why have you not had therapy of any type? Instead of thinking about this OM, take the time and mental energy to do all you can to salvage your marriage. 

First research the therapist in your area that specializes in sex therapy. Plan to interview a few to see how you feel. Read all you can about your husbands fetish. 

How much have you discussed this with him? Did yiou let him know that his deceit has been painful and unfair to you? 

I would then discuss the problem and your sexual frustration. Put a temporary moratorium on sex. If you don't do this he will not take you seriously. 

Tell him about the therapy that you plan to work on your problems.If he refuses therapy you may have to pull the plug. He is unlikely to be motivated if he thinks that you will not leave. 

It he does not love and care about you enough to solve this problem then you really don't have a marriage. It is more like a sexual service that you are providing. 

There is no reason you should allow this to continue. I believe fetishes are very difficult to change. The person who has them needs to be very motivated. 

Your husband may not be motivated enough to work hard. You may have to make the difficult decision of D. 

I think you need IC. You let this go for a number of years. You detected a problem but you went ahead with the marriage. I think that is a problem that you may carry to your next relationship. 

If there are red flags early in a relationship it may be better to cut and walk. You were probably operating on fear that you would not meet a more suitable man. Have faith that you will meet a compatible man.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

So, let me see if I understand this. While you were "dating" via long distance phone calls, the phone sex was great and you assumed this would translate into the bedroom. It took a while but you finally got the the truth, he's not turned on by women, but by women's feet. He can't even orgasm unles he is masturbating as you rub your feet in his face. You predicate all of this on the foundation that you cannot abide lies. And yet 4 years later, after first discovering his lie, this now becomes an important part of the problem.

Forget about the lie part, it doesn't hold water.

You have given his fetish your best shot and you simply can't find happiness with this man. 

Sounds like a done deal to me. 

I know it must hurt that you are facing a divorce for the second time. Lets hope the third marriage will happen after a prolonged period of actually knowing a man and finding sexual compatibility before you walk down the aisle.

Personally, I would have walked after a few months of trying to work with his fetish. His fetish really is something that excludes real love making so I can't imagine you've stayed this long.


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## pride&prejudice (Jun 24, 2012)

Lets see if I can answer some of these
Catherine: I have spoken to my hubby about therapy at first for him and when he refused I asked for about approaching couples therapy with a sex therapist he refused! When I have spoken to him about he lying he claims that I am just like his ex's that left him and gave up on him which completely pulls on my heart!! I feel completely horrible..

Pink: Yes we had a long distance relationship,but we did visit each other about ever 6 months and did have sex before we got married but it was just off!

Thank you all so much for your responses!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I think it was ****ty of him to not level with you so you could make an informed decision. In this day and age we live in there is a fetish for everyone and a fetish group for everyone and he should have been seeking out a woman who shares or likes to take part in his fetish. For him to fake it so long and make you have to figure out what the problem was is really crappy. 

I agree with anon - you have given it your best shot. It doesn't do it for you. He is unlikely to change either. There is little middle ground if he isn't even taking turns with who gets off.


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