# Wife sleeping with my former mistress' husband



## learningtocope (Jun 2, 2016)

About a month ago the biggest mistake of my entire life was brought to light. Of course my wife was devastated, and I feel like the biggest pile of S&it around. I really love, want and need my wife. I fell into a deep depression about 8 years ago that I truly believe led me to having an affair. The affair lasted about 18 months. The husband of the woman I was having an affair with is the one that contacted my wife and told her about everything. They began corresponding through email and talking/texting about the facts. That quickly turned into them meeting for coffee which turned into a sexual relationship in a matter of days. That relationship is getting stronger and stronger. To the point he is talking about moving away with her and my kids and starting a new life, although he sends messages to her that he really wants us to be able to work it out. She says she has feelings for him but still loves me. I tell her that as long as he is in the picture, we will never be able to repair our marriage. Repairing the marriage is what we both want (as far as I've been told and led to believe). She has said numerous times she will never talk to him again, but I've caught her contacting him even after promising that. She says he's the only one that understands what she's going through and he's the only one she can talk to, and I just have to deal with it. I have completely severed all ties with the other woman, and am all for total transparency with my wife. She is not so much. She claims I'm invading her privacy. There's more to the story, but I don't want to take up everyone's time. Any thought's would be greatly appreciated.


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

I'm sorry, but you're reaping what you've sown, in this case.

What happened to your mistress, btw?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

They are close friends now if they find each other easy to talk to. 

What you did contributed to this, so you can't even blame her for what she is doing. 

If you can tolerate her contacting him, then just wait patiently. Maybe someday she will see your hard work and forgive you and accept you again as her only man.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

learningtocope said:


> There's more to the story, but I don't want to take up everyone's time.


The more you tell the better the advice and help. There are people here who will spend as much time as needed to assist you.

Post away...


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

learningtocope said:


> There's more to the *story*, but I don't want to take up everyone's time.


Of course there is...of course there is


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

learningtocope said:


> About a month ago the biggest mistake of my entire life was brought to light. Of course my wife was devastated, and I feel like the biggest pile of S&it around. I really love, want and need my wife. I fell into a deep depression about 8 years ago that I truly believe led me to having an affair. The affair lasted about 18 months. The husband of the woman I was having an affair with is the one that contacted my wife and told her about everything. They began corresponding through email and talking/texting about the facts. That quickly turned into them meeting for coffee which turned into a sexual relationship in a matter of days. That relationship is getting stronger and stronger. To the point he is talking about moving away with her and my kids and starting a new life, although he sends messages to her that he really wants us to be able to work it out. She says she has feelings for him but still loves me. I tell her that as long as he is in the picture, we will never be able to repair our marriage. Repairing the marriage is what we both want (as far as I've been told and led to believe). She has said numerous times she will never talk to him again, but I've caught her contacting him even after promising that. She says he's the only one that understands what she's going through and he's the only one she can talk to, and I just have to deal with it. I have completely severed all ties with the other woman, and am all for total transparency with my wife. She is not so much. She claims I'm invading her privacy. There's more to the story, but I don't want to take up everyone's time. Any thought's would be greatly appreciated.


1)She has feelings for him but still loves you ? She can't have both.
2) No she doesn't want to repair the damage, she wants a revenge affair and is going to beat you over the ehad with it
3) She lies about stopping talking to him. this isn't hard to figure out that she can't be trusted
4) She doesn't have privacy in having an affair. other than taking a $hit on the toilet, she has no privacy regarding stuff like this
5) He's the only one she can confide in because he understands and you'll just have to deal with it ? I am throwing the BS flag on this
6) They want to run away and take your kids ? 

Look, you were wrong to affair years ago and she had every right to dump you on your arse but she chose not to. So for her to do this right now and create instability for you and your family by having a revenge affair is plain evil.

I would seek legal counsel and file for divorce and she what she does. It takes her power away from her because as it stands right now, she's close to getting banged by him openly and in your face. 

You two shouldn't be married anyway. Too many affairs, too many issues. I don't blame her for her pain but I do blame her for the way she's handling it now. I don't blame you for your pain but I do blame you for your affair and with a married woman years ago.

But for God's sake, file for divorce and protect the kids


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I'll have to read this later from home.

I don't have nearly enough popcorn here at work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

learningtocope said:


> I fell into a deep depression about 8 years ago that I truly believe led me to having an affair.


Nope. You have to really own what you did. It wasn't depression's fault you had an affair. That was all you. 100%. For both of you to heal you have to understand that.




learningtocope said:


> I tell her that as long as he is in the picture, we will never be able to repair our marriage.


100% correct. It's an absolute waste of time working on a marriage that has more than 2 people in it. Right now yours has more than 2 people in it. You have to make sure her affair is 100% dead and buried before attempting to work on the marriage.




learningtocope said:


> She says he's the only one that understands what she's going through and he's the only one she can talk to


Absolutely not true. You know exactly what she's going through because she did it to you. You know the sting of betrayal regardless of what happened on the path to getting there. She can, AND SHOULD, only be talking to you about this. With that said, make sure you know how to listen and be empathetic. Same thing applies to her. She has no moral high ground here. Her affair is not in any way less of a betrayal than yours was because it was a response to yours. Nope. You own yours 100%. She owns hers 100%.

Good luck.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

You are in a tough spot aren't you. You gave up that moral high ground and your wife took advantage of it.

The last thing you want to do is come off as a hypocrite, but at the same time you don't have to live with her continued contact with the OM, and you shouldn't. Either she wants to reconcile or she doesn't. It's one thing to wait for her to decide if she does - but sorry, not while she's cheating herself.

I think you should tell your wife that you regret all that you've done; once again. Tell her you love her. That you are willing to forgive her, just like you hope that she is willing to forgive you. That you can understand if she prefers to be with the OM after what you've done.

Tell her that if she can't find it in her heart to give a genuine attempt to reconcile, to include ending her A, you will hold no ill will against her; but that you don't want to continue in the marriage like this and that it would be best for both of you if you divorced amicably. 

If she doesn't stop the contact, that means she doesn't truly want to R. So, you accept that, move on with your life, and be faithful to your next wife.

Good luck.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

greenpearl said:


> They are close friends now if they find each other easy to talk to.
> 
> What you did contributed to this, so you can't even blame her for what she is doing.
> 
> If you can tolerate her contacting him, then just wait patiently. Maybe someday she will see your hard work and forgive you and accept you again as her only man.


wow, I strongly disagree with this. Noone, absolutely NOONE should just sit back and be patient and tolerate an affair, regardless of the past. As I said before, she had a right to divorce you but not to stretch things out, have a family and then a revenge affair. 

And yes, you can blame her for what she's doing. By that rationale, if she cheats and because you cheated, you can't blame her, then she can no longer blame you for cheating on her years ago. It goes both ways. Personally, I would have taken the high moral ground and divorced the OP but noone should tolerate being cheated on and that goes for her too


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

badmemory said:


> You are in tough spot aren't you. You gave up that moral high ground and your wife took advantage of it.
> 
> The last thing you want to do is come off as a hypocrite, but at the same time you don't have to live with her continued contact with the OM, and you shouldn't. Either she wants to reconcile or she doesn't.
> 
> ...


agreed


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

wmn1 said:


> Look, you were wrong to affair years ago and she had every right to dump you on your arse but she chose not to.


 To the wife, the OP's affair was not years ago as she just learned about it a month ago, and it had gone on for 18 months, which is a long time. This is a revenge affair that the OP's wife and OP's affair partner's spouse are deliberately doing in a misguided attempt to seek balance. This is just messed up.


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## Capster (Jun 10, 2014)

Expose her affair to OM's wife. He doesn't want to leave her, which is why he says he wants you to work things out. It's common for the OM to string their AP along with dreams of running away together, but often the affair dies before that happens.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

TRy said:


> To the wife, the OP's affair was not years ago as she just learned about it a month ago, and it had gone on for 18 months, which is a long time. This is a revenge affair that the OP's wife and OP's affair partner's spouse are deliberately doing in a misguided attempt to seek balance. This is just messed up.


It would probably still be going on if his skvnk's hb hadn't outed him. 

Sounds like he's sorry he got caught.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

TRy said:


> To the wife, the OP's affair was not years ago as she just learned about it a month ago, and it had gone on for 18 months, which is a long time. This is a revenge affair that the OP's wife and OP's affair partner's spouse are deliberately doing in a misguided attempt to seek balance. This is just messed up.


But apparently it did it's job, because now he knows how sh!tty it is. 

Just saying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

wmn1 said:


> wow, I strongly disagree with this. Noone, absolutely NOONE should just sit back and be patient and tolerate an affair, regardless of the past. As I said before, she had a right to divorce you but not to stretch things out, have a family and then a revenge affair.
> 
> And yes, you can blame her for what she's doing. By that rationale, if she cheats and because you cheated, you can't blame her, then she can no longer blame you for cheating on her years ago. It goes both ways. Personally, I would have taken the high moral ground and divorced the OP but noone should tolerate being cheated on and that goes for her too


He had a 18 months affair that ended ONE MONTH AGO. He didn't cheat on her years ago.

That doesn't make what she's doing right, but the fact that she probably not sure if she wants to reconcile or leave him for the OM is human and understandable since herwound is much fresher than you acknowledge

ETÀ: it's actually not clear when he did cheat, but she levarne d about it one MONTH ago, so I think that it is actually the same.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

TRy said:


> To the wife, the OP's affair was not years ago as she just learned about it a month ago, and it had gone on for 18 months, which is a long time. This is a revenge affair that the OP's wife and OP's affair partner's spouse are deliberately doing in a misguided attempt to seek balance. This is just messed up.


I agree with you, TRy. It is new to her. Divorce or reconcile or figure it out but a revenge affair is so messed up. And the talk of taking the kids as well. I get the pain, heck, I would get a DV episode from the wife to him and understand it. Just not this as tempting as it would be


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

italianjob said:


> He had a 18 months affair that ended ONE MONTH AGO. He didn't cheat on her years ago.
> 
> That doesn't make what she's doing right, but the fact that she probably not sure if she wants to reconcile or leave him for the OM is human and understandable since herwound is much fresher than you acknowledge
> 
> ETÀ: it's actually not clear when he did cheat, but she levarne d about it one MONTH ago, so I think that it is actually the same.


It is not quite the same. Yes, it's new to her, her D-day is. I get that but I think it's clear based on what he said that he cheated years ago. She needs to digest this and figure out a path to healing but not through a revenge affair. I am as much against cheating as anyone here but to suggest that it is ok for her to go out and bang away at this guy for an unspecified period of time and then come back and say "hey, let's work on this" is absolute BS.

I normally agree with you Italianjob but regardless of how fresh her wound is, a revenge affair is plain wrong and is causing more pain that will certainly end the marriage despite her saying that she doesn't want to leave. That's like me saying "hey, I don't want to hurt you but put your arm on the table and elt me put an axe through it". It doesn't work. 

And BTW, I never condoned what he did. I think I was pretty clear on that and how much I disagree with him when I said she is justified in dumping his arse


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> But apparently it did it's job, because now he knows how sh!tty it is.
> 
> Just saying.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think you are way wrong. It doesn't justify her actions. Not at all. besides it seems like the affair was years ago so her revenge affair didn't stop $hit. It's actually throwing crap in front of you on the path you are on for you to step in it


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

wmn1 said:


> It is not quite the same. Yes, it's new to her, her D-day is. I get that but I think it's clear based on what he said that he cheated years ago. She needs to digest this and figure out a path to healing but not through a revenge affair. I am as much against cheating as anyone here but to suggest that it is ok for her to go out and bang away at this guy for an unspecified period of time and then come back and say "hey, let's work on this" is absolute BS.
> 
> I normally agree with you Italianjob but regardless of how fresh her wound is, a revenge affair is plain wrong and is causing more pain that will certainly end the marriage despite her saying that she doesn't want to leave. That's like me saying "hey, I don't want to hurt you but put your arm on the table and elt me put an axe through it". It doesn't work.
> 
> And BTW, I never condoned what he did. I think I was pretty clear on that and how much I disagree with him when I said she is justified in dumping his arse


I never suggested her RA is ok, it is obviously wrong. But people might have an hard time to deal with these things so I think it is at least humanly understandable while still being unacceptable. The OP cheated for One year and a half, so, while reprensihible, it's not her the main villain in this story, IMO.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

karma.


be a man and kick her to the curb.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sorry, can't help it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

chillymorn said:


> be a man and kick her to the curb.


shouldn't she kick HIM to the curb? Which one did worse?


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Must...... not..... get... myself BANNED


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> Sorry, can't help it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Where my mind went:


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Talk about the Karma Bus ... I guess it sucks when it happens to you.

Don't know what to say but divorce her and leave knowing it's all your fault.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

OP....you stupidly destroyed your M years ago with this A.....I have little sympathy for the situation you find yourself in.

If there is any type of A that I can understand, it is an RA......and this is definitely what your W is doing.....giving you some payback.

And as far as it goes, so is the OM.....he is giving you a justifiable retribution for invading and destroying his M and family years ago.

That said.....you also have rights here.....you have the right to not tolerate her continuing her RA.

She has had her A, and made her point to you....I'm sure you feel like crap about it.

At this point though, you are well within your rights to say enough is enough....either end the RA and we work at fixing this M, or I will unhappily and unwillingly take the step of filing for D.

Some might consider it hypocritical, and I might even agree, but for the following fact......her A is not done and finished.

There is nothing that says you have to tolerate a CONTINUING A, even if it began for an understandable revenge.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Don't understand why so many married people are drawn to drama, like this. He's cheating, then she's cheating...she's talking about running away with your ex mistress' husband. Why be married at all?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

larry.gray said:


> Where my mind went:


Per the stipulations of my contract, I'm obligated to employ images of John Candy where possible.

Still, that's funny.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

*Deidre* said:


> Don't understand why so many married people are drawn to drama, like this. He's cheating, then she's cheating...she's talking about running away with your ex mistress' husband. Why be married at all?


Because a lot of married people aren't drawn to drama. Plus if you want kids marriage is better than single unless your marriage is all hosed up - like this guy's


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

wmn1 said:


> I think you are way wrong. It doesn't justify her actions. Not at all. besides it seems like the affair was years ago so her revenge affair didn't stop $hit. It's actually throwing crap in front of you on the path you are on for you to step in it


Well we'll have to disagree. She just found out so it's like it just happened, and it says he was planning to keep her in the dark. 

Besides, it wasn't a justification. .... it was an observation of am unfortunate irony, and that is that he now knows what it feels like. 

I have no sympathy for him. .... his marriage wasn't that important for 18 months while he had his wh0re. And if it was truly years ago then she no doubt feels all these years have been a lie. 

And they have been. 

But I'll admit I'm wondering if everyone's chain is being yanked here..... just way too good of a karma story.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> shouldn't she kick HIM to the curb? Which one did worse?




They both are incredibly wrong.
And there are kids caught in the middle of this.
Separate and get marriage counseling if you want to reconcile.
You each have to own what you've done. You've both done huge damage to a marriage that was obviously damaged prior to both affairs.
You need to give her an ultimatum. Don't accuse her because you've done just as bad...but say you or him. If it's you then you both need to stop seeing your affair partners.
You guys need IC and mc if you are going to try to reconcile.

Good luck


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Have you thought about taking this one to Jerry Springer? I think his show would love this topic.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

In the final analysis, the balls in the wife's court. I agree with what Badmemory proffered. Hence,

_"Tell her that if she can't find it in her heart to give a genuine attempt to reconcile, to include ending her A, you will hold no ill will against her; but that you don't want to continue in the marriage like this and that it would be best for both of you if you divorced amicably.

If she doesn't stop the contact, that means she doesn't truly want to R. So, you accept that, move on with your life, and be faithful to your next wife."
_

Its much better than putting her on a guilt trip to stay with him while reminding her of marital obligations. If either were that happy in the marriage, we wouldn't be discussing this anyway.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> Don't understand why so many married people are drawn to drama, like this. He's cheating, then she's cheating...she's talking about running away with your ex mistress' husband. Why be married at all?


this is what I said essentially Deidre


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Well we'll have to disagree. She just found out so it's like it just happened, and it says he was planning to keep her in the dark.
> 
> Besides, it wasn't a justification. .... it was an observation of am unfortunate irony, and that is that he now knows what it feels like.
> 
> ...


I agree that I do wonder if everyone's chain is being yanked. It is too good of a karma story.

We'll agree to disagree on substance. 

I suggested divorce for this couple. Good God, what are their kids going to grow up learning from either of them ?

My mantra is simple. I can't stand cheaters. Him for what he did, her for what she's doing. 

This is all jacked up, Life


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## learningtocope (Jun 2, 2016)

Don't know. Totally stopped any and all contact.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think you need to be kind and understanding with her. After all, she is most likely deeply depressed. That is why people have affairs. You yourself fell into that trap, helpless to resist and even so depressed that you couldn't confess your betrayal to your BW. Imagine how she is feeling now. The trauma of learning of your cheating has sunk her into a serious depression and this naturally hypersexualizes her and erases her sense of right and wrong.

Not quite, OP, but you get the point.

You permanently shifted the sands of your marriage. You lost any high ground you might have had. Of course, it's wrong of her in an absolute sense to engage with the OWM, but it's natural; he was a faithful man and she finds that attractive.

You can't really make demands because of this. You have zero moral authority. You're like the mugger who goes to the police to report that he's been mugged. The cops will file the report, but there won't be any outrage.

Go get some counseling and try to figure out how to behave with honor through all of this. You can't control her, but you can control yourself.


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## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

learningtocope said:


> Don't know. Totally stopped any and all contact.


Why don't you call her? 

Sent from my Z936L using Tapatalk


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I'm confused. Who stopped contacting whom?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Sorry, can't help it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1oOv3cuP8M4 Add on


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Now that people have gotten that out of their systems, I hope we haven't scared you away learningtocope. You should have expected some of this.

First off, perhaps you can clarify when the affair is, since that was brought up? Was it 8 years ago and recently discovered, or have you been depressed for 8 years and were recently caught in an active affair? That can change up the advice some.

I suggest you follow the advice offered above by a couple of other posters. You can't let her waffle and cake eat now. She's had her RA, and gotten back at you. Let her know that she's either got to commit now or you need to end this amicably.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> karma.
> 
> 
> be a man and kick her to the curb.


He should be a man and give himself a good a** kicking to the kerb.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

LTC,

1. you screwed up big time
2. For your wife this is totally new, she just found out a month ago (have a revenge affair is stupid but she will have to deal with that)
3. She is in pain and probably wants you to know how she felt when you had an affair for 18 months and knew in her gut what you were up to and now when it is exposed
4. She and the OM are driven by the same engine, your affair
5. It appears to me you now love your wife because you cannot have her (18 mths is not a one night stand, it shows a high level of deceit and manipulation, depression or no depression, you use that as an excuse but you were still very well aware of what you were doing and assumed you would no get caught)

You can do one of two things

1. ride out this storm, tell her you f8888 up but you want to work on the marriage, set a deadline for yourself

2. Tell her what you did was wrong but you will not tolerate this, and ask for a divorce - you will look like a right sanctimonious prick doing this, but you made your bed......... sorry


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

aine said:


> You can do one of two things
> 
> 1. ride out this storm, tell her you f8888 up but you want to work on the marriage, set a deadline for yourself
> 
> 2. Tell her what you did was wrong but you will not tolerate this, and ask for a divorce - you will look like a right sanctimonious prick doing this, but you made your bed......... sorry


There's an option 3 that would make for a better TV series:

3. Resume your affair with the OM's wife, and eventually swap spouses permanently! Or maybe you could even all move in together!


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

My friend you Cheated on your kids and wife for 18 months. If you think you are good Husband and Father then you are lying to yourself.

Depresion have nothing to do with your Cheating. You are making excuses for you own behaviour.
Your Affair stopped only because Husband of your ***** contacted your wife. You didnt want to end Affair,you didnt do anything for your wife to let her know you are sorry.

Now your wife is Cheating on you and once again you do nothing about it. You let her screw other men and then come back to you. 

Maybe this kind of Marriage you need where you dont care about each other and it is easier for you to pay the bills with two incomes.

I feel sorry for your kids. They will not learn a single good thing from both of you.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

blueinbr said:


> shouldn't she kick HIM to the curb? Which one did worse?


well she didn't and decided to be a vindictive B1tch and now shes stringing him along.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

two wrongs don't make a right. and she seems to be just getting revenge so my opinion this isn't really savable so save your dignity and just end it. don't be surprised if when you serve her paper she all of a sudden changes her mind.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Because a lot of married people aren't drawn to drama. Plus if you want kids marriage is better than single unless your marriage is all hosed up - like this guy's


No, I meant why be married, if the marriage turns out like this? I'd rather be divorced than live like this.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

*Deidre* said:


> TheTruthHurts said:
> 
> 
> > Because a lot of married people aren't drawn to drama. Plus if you want kids marriage is better than single unless your marriage is all hosed up - like this guy's
> ...


Sorry I misunderstood - yes I agree it is time to either both lay their cards on the table and become totally devoted to one another (it could happen) or put a fork in it.


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

tom67 said:


> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1oOv3cuP8M4 Add on


A perm for Candy? Nice!


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Sorry I misunderstood - yes I agree it is time to either both lay their cards on the table and become totally devoted to one another (it could happen) or put a fork in it.


haha When I saw your reply to my earlier post, I laughed, and realized I could have been clearer.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Im like...Good for your WIFE!  i sincerely hope she rides off into the sunset with the other man. On another forum SI a woman hooked up later with the other BS and they married and were happy and perfect together. The two cheaters were broke, and BROKEN up since neither could actually stand one another. If you believe in fate maybe your wife has actually found a man worthy of her? Let her go. 

Seriously why do people cheat when they claim to value house and home, wife and kids? lemmings deserve to fall off the cliff 


please don't ban me!


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Is she still sleeping with him?

If so you need to tell her to pack her stuff and go with him and fill for divorce.

You both screwed up, you are working on fixing things by cutting all contact with AP and she is refusing to. If she is not willing to do her part there is no fixing what is broken.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

I have to be honest, good for this guy showed you how it feels to have your life destroyed and your wife taken from you. I feel like if he ends up with your wife justice will be served to an extant. So either live as a cuckold and this guy routinely banging your wife, or move on and learn to not be such a **** to the next woman you meet and don't bang other dudes wives.


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## becareful (Jan 28, 2016)

To the OP:

Live your life with integrity and don't cheat or the Karma Bus will run you over again. Serve your wife with divorce papers and don't get married again. You are not husband material.


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## becareful (Jan 28, 2016)

threelittlestars said:


> Im like...Good for your WIFE!  i sincerely hope she rides off into the sunset with the other man. On another forum SI a woman hooked up later with the other BS and they married and were happy and perfect together. The two cheaters were broke, and BROKEN up since neither could actually stand one another. If you believe in fate maybe your wife has actually found a man worthy of her? Let her go.
> 
> Seriously why do people cheat when they claim to value house and home, wife and kids? lemmings deserve to fall off the cliff
> 
> ...


Hi 3LS,

You have a link for that?


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

chillymorn said:


> two wrongs don't make a right. and she seems to be just getting revenge so my opinion this isn't really savable so save your dignity and just end it. don't be surprised if when you serve her paper she all of a sudden changes her mind.


Who came up with this two wrongs not making a right idea? Seems to me they sometimes do,in terms of equity.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

becareful said:


> Hi 3LS,
> 
> You have a link for that?



I wish, i was hunting for it just now. I read it last summer in the divorce forum or new beginnings....I think it was divorce forum tho. 

That website does not seem to go back more than 25 pages. and thats only March!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I've always wondered...

Does the bus actually have the word "Karma" anywhere on it?

:lol: :rofl:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> I've always wondered...
> 
> Does the bus actually have the word "Karma" anywhere on it?
> 
> ...


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

threelittlestars said:


> Im like...Good for your WIFE!  i sincerely hope she rides off into the sunset with the other man. On another forum SI a woman hooked up later with the other BS and they married and were happy and perfect together. The two cheaters were broke, and BROKEN up since neither could actually stand one another. If you believe in fate maybe your wife has actually found a man worthy of her? Let her go.
> 
> Seriously why do people cheat when they claim to value house and home, wife and kids? lemmings deserve to fall off the cliff
> 
> ...


all cheating is wrong and noone should tolerate it. So, no, not good for the wife. His wife has become what she hates in him. This marriage should end. Yes, but noone should be a cuckold


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

knobcreek said:


> I have to be honest, good for this guy showed you how it feels to have your life destroyed and your wife taken from you. I feel like if he ends up with your wife justice will be served to an extant. So either live as a cuckold and this guy routinely banging your wife, or move on and learn to not be such a **** to the next woman you meet and don't bang other dudes wives.


I agree about not banging other people's wives. The OP doesn't deserve much sympathy. However, I am consistent and am against all cheating and this RA is morally decrepit. Justice served would be a divorce and some pain in the settlement. There is no justice when people cheat and become what they detest. I hope this new affair ends in ruin for the cheaters. Then I hope these two divorce as they don't know what marriage is all about. I hate cheaters, all of them. There isn't any of these 4 that deserve to be married.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

This thread causes a conflict in me. I read about his pain as a BS and I know that pain all too well so I'm really sympathetic. Then I read that he was the first one in their relationship to dish out the pain of betrayal so then I'm like oh, well then F this guy, he deserves it. Karma knocking at his door. I got the yin and the yang of this thing battling it out with my emotions.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

wmn1 said:


> all cheating is wrong and noone should tolerate it. So, no, not good for the wife. His wife has become what she hates in him. This marriage should end. Yes, but noone should be a cuckold


Not everyone has PERFECT morality. Liker perhaps yourself, but these actions even wrong can serve as a harsh lesson and warning to those that participate in affairs. 

I still say, good for her. I think its Just why? She is not reconciling with him though he (OP) wants her to. If she were trying to R, i would say now that was dumb.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

threelittlestars said:


> Not everyone has PERFECT morality. Liker perhaps yourself, but these actions even wrong can serve as a harsh lesson and warning to those that participate in affairs.
> 
> I still say, good for her. I think its Just why? She is not reconciling with him though he (OP) wants her to. If she were trying to R, i would say now that was dumb.


actually, she is giving mixed signals. Look, the lasttime I checked, this is a 'coping with infidelity' board, not an endorsing infidelity board. YES, I hate infidelity. Even in revenge affairs and I am one of the people here who usually endorses divorce in these cases. But starting an affair on your own and having people support that in a 'coping with infidelity' board is not only counter productive, but it goes against what we are supposed to be about Sure, hammer the guy for what he did. At least he was honest enough to admit it. But expecting someone to be a cuckold while his wife cheats on him in my opinion is not only counterproductive, it stinks in the way of someone who comes here to ask for help dealing with infidelity and isn't helpful at all. In fact, it's counetrproductive

If she came here, I would have been one of the first ones to tell her to dump his arse. But he came here and IMO we are supposed to help him get over this and telling him to cuckold himself is no solution. 

Sorry, as I said earlier, cheating is always wrong and now his wife lost the high moral ground. Shame on her. Shame on him for being in this situation. Also, did she verify ? or just take the other guy's word.

In the end, cheating is cheating and revenge affairs are morally reprehensible and anyone here shouldn't support them on an infiedlity forum !!!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> I've always wondered...
> 
> Does the bus actually have the word "Karma" anywhere on it?
> 
> ...


It's under the left rear fender well. You'll need a flashlight.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

threelittlestars said:


> Not everyone has PERFECT morality. Liker perhaps yourself, but these actions even wrong can serve as a harsh lesson and warning to those that participate in affairs.
> 
> I still say, good for her. I think its Just why? She is not reconciling with him though he (OP) wants her to. If she were trying to R, i would say now that was dumb.


I agree with your first point.....I actually do not have a problem with a RA to give a WS a taste of his/her own medicine.

But the problem is, I did not hear OP say his BW/WW wants a D at all....she is uncertain.....BUT she won't end the RA.

Well she had her RA....made her point to her dopey WH.

At this point, she is fence-sitting/cake-eating herself.....and OP has every right to knock her off that fence.

Either she quits the RA and commits to fixing the M.....or he is justified and right to file for D from her.

If OP had posted that she said she was done with him and the M and was moving on, I think you would be correct your other point......because then it would be a case of her WH/BH wants R, but she has chosen to D.

Wmn1 is right though.....OP's BW?WW has NOT said she wants the D.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

learningtocope said:


> Any thought's would be greatly appreciated.


Ask your wife to have her new lover wear a condom.

Enjoy the fruits of your labor. You earned it.

18 mos. of hard work producing a bountiful harvest.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think this is the sort of RA that might have some legs.

Think about it. The OP's BW is together with his lover's BH. Personality-wise, they are probably quite compatible: WH is compatible with BW and OW is compatible with her BH. If we follow the logic, then the BW is very likely compatible with the OW's BH. The two of them have probably leap-frogged some steps in a standard courtship. The difference is that the new couple isn't composed of organic cheaters.

This is facetious, I know, but not totally. I actually think the OP might be permanently losing his BW to the new guy.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> I think this is the sort of RA that might have some legs.
> 
> Think about it. The OP's BW is together with his lover's BH. Personality-wise, they are probably quite compatible: WH is compatible with BW and OW is compatible with her BH. If we follow the logic, then the BW is very likely compatible with the OW's BH. The two of them have probably leap-frogged some steps in a standard courtship. The difference is that the new couple isn't composed of organic cheaters.
> 
> This is facetious, I know, but not totally. I actually think the OP might be permanently losing his BW to the new guy.


Yep. 

Quite a pickle he's in.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Each of the betrayed's are married and ARE cheating on their wayward spouses. Makes them pretty organic as cheaters! They just feel a little more entitled to do it now - they won't let a little thing like morals get in the way because of this. But they are cheating and the way in which they got together does not suggest this is going to be a good relationship long term!


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

learningtocope said:


> Any thought's would be greatly appreciated.


Divorce, foursome or wifeswapping. Good luck.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I vote for foursome - I think its the next best since you are trying not to divorce. Swapping would just lead to more problems. Go for the Bob and Alice and Ted and Carol model. You just need to decide who is going to be Robert Culp and who is going to be Elliott Gould. And the harder decision: who is Natalie Wood and who is Dyan Cannon ! Oh and you will both need a very large bed!


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> I think this is the sort of RA that might have some legs.
> 
> Think about it. The OP's BW is together with his lover's BH. Personality-wise, they are probably quite compatible: WH is compatible with BW and OW is compatible with her BH. If we follow the logic, then the BW is very likely compatible with the OW's BH. The two of them have probably leap-frogged some steps in a standard courtship. The difference is that the new couple isn't composed of organic cheaters.
> 
> This is facetious, I know, but not totally. I actually think the OP might be permanently losing his BW to the new guy.


I agree. We all have strong opinions about things like this but each case is different.


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## lostmyreligion (Oct 18, 2013)

rzmpf said:


> Divorce, foursome or wifeswapping. Good luck.


This is it, really.

This is also how I imagine meeting the ground face first at terminal velocity feels when your parachute fails to open.

Nasty shock that a figurative 'slap in the face' doesn't begin to do justice describing.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

wmn1 said:


> actually, she is giving mixed signals. Look, the lasttime I checked, this is a 'coping with infidelity' board, not an endorsing infidelity board. YES, I hate infidelity. Even in revenge affairs and I am one of the people here who usually endorses divorce in these cases. But starting an affair on your own and having people support that in a 'coping with infidelity' board is not only counter productive, but it goes against what we are supposed to be about Sure, hammer the guy for what he did. At least he was honest enough to admit it. But expecting someone to be a cuckold while his wife cheats on him in my opinion is not only counterproductive, it stinks in the way of someone who comes here to ask for help dealing with infidelity and isn't helpful at all. In fact, it's counetrproductive
> 
> If she came here, I would have been one of the first ones to tell her to dump his arse. But he came here and IMO we are supposed to help him get over this and telling him to cuckold himself is no solution.
> 
> ...


You are correct. It is Coping With Infidelity. And this is his wife coping with infidelity.

It is HER way of coping with his infidelity.

It is not your way. Which Is fine for you. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> You are correct. It is Coping With Infidelity. And this is his wife coping with infidelity.
> 
> It is HER way of coping with his infidelity.
> 
> ...


Oh thank you! I was beginning to think this place was more like SI than i initially imagined. I don't want to have to SUBSCRIBE to a certain philosophy to belong here.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

threelittlestars said:


> Oh thank you! I was beginning to think this place was more like SI than i initially imagined. I don't want to have to SUBSCRIBE to a certain philosophy to belong here.


We do not have to! Thank the Lord! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> You are correct. It is Coping With Infidelity. And this is his wife coping with infidelity.
> 
> It is HER way of coping with his infidelity.
> 
> ...


Wow Matt, I couldn't disagree with you more, especially from your background. None-the-less, you are correct that it is her way of dealing with his infidelity. However, I feel I am correct because she has just proved she is in better than him and I am throwing the BS flag on your response and three little stars. C heating is cheating and while i am board neutral between here and ST, this is one of the get areas where I agree with SI and think some of the people here have lost their minds
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

And no I am not calling you crazy Matt. You know I am a big fan of yours but some of these responses? Wow
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

wmn1 said:


> Wow Matt, I couldn't disagree with you more, especially from your background. None-the-less, you are correct that it is her way of dealing with his infidelity. However, I feel I am correct because she has just proved she is in better than him and I am throwing the BS flag on your response and three little stars. C heating is cheating and while i am board neutral between here and ST, this is one of the get areas where I agree with SI and think some of the people here have lost their minds
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Whilst I do not necessarily agree with her coping method (too many problems might result from it, psychological and physical) it is her coping method.

As St. Augustine wrote: "Cum dilectione hominum et odio vitiorum", With love for men and hatred for sin, or as it is commonly rendered, love the sinner but hate the sin.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Whilst I do not necessarily agree with her coping method (too many problems might result from it, psychological and physical) it is her coping method.
> 
> As St. Augustine wrote: "Cum dilectione hominum et odio vitiorum", With love for men and hatred for sin, or as it is commonly rendered, love the sinner but hate the sin.


yes which is why I support divorce in this case. I believe in the high moral ground. Had she divorced him or filed, I would be high fiving her to death. Some coping methods are fine some are bad. Some people kill, some burn a house down, some try to steal the kids away (her) but someday she is going to look at herself and say "I did the same thing as he did" and while she may think she was more justified, why dirty herself up ? And for some here to suggest he cuckold himself, no, I disagree. Oh well, looks like the OP left here so we'll save this argument for another day


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

wmn1 said:


> yes which is why I support divorce in this case. I believe in the high moral ground. Had she divorced him or filed, I would be high fiving her to death. Some coping methods are fine some are bad. Some people kill, some burn a house down, some try to steal the kids away (her) but someday she is going to look at herself and say "I did the same thing as he did" and while she may think she was more justified, why dirty herself up ? And for some here to suggest he cuckold himself, no, I disagree. Oh well, looks like the OP left here so we'll save this argument for another day


I can sort of understand where she is coming from in that I had a stupid RA but I confessed immediately to my wife. In fact I found my RA perhaps more psychologically damaging to me than my wife's affair had been.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

I second the suggestion that you all work it out together and swing together. Everyone wins that way. Especially the dudes.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

LucasJackson said:


> I second the suggestion that you all work it out together and swing together. Everyone wins that way. Especially the dudes.


naah Lucas . I can't go with that. I can't stand swinging nor can I stand open marriages. Too many people will trigger there, there will be inequities if one is at work on a night shift and the others are having a threesome without him/her at home or someone is home more often. The whole concept disgusts me. You may as well be as worthless to each other as someone pulling a number ticket at a butcher shop.

And BTW, the dudes don't win in open marriages. Women can get a whole lot more than men can. It's not even close, Matt. 

You will never convince me that open marriage or swinging is a good thing. Just divorce and stop being pigs


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

wmn1 said:


> naah Lucas . I can't go with that. I can't stand swinging nor can I stand open marriages. Too many people will trigger there, there will be inequities if one is at work on a night shift and the others are having a threesome without him/her at home or someone is home more often. The whole concept disgusts me. You may as well be as worthless to each other as someone pulling a number ticket at a butcher shop.
> 
> And BTW, the dudes don't win in open marriages. Women can get a whole lot more than men can. It's not even close, Matt.
> 
> You will never convince me that open marriage or swinging is a good thing. Just divorce and stop being pigs


This might surprise you, but I am not in favour of swinging. Too many things to go wrong, too many opportunities for people (especially the children) to get hurt.

It's not worth it.

I hope the wife in this case can learn to fly right. But it looks like she is into hysterical bonding, but with the wrong person.

Reconcile or divorce are really the only valid choices. A continued revenge affair is very bad. But that's just my opinion, of course.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Looks like OP hasn't been back, unless I've missed it. 

Are we sure there's no chain yanking going on?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

wmn1 said:


> naah Lucas . I can't go with that. I can't stand swinging nor can I stand open marriages. Too many people will trigger there, there will be inequities if one is at work on a night shift and the others are having a threesome without him/her at home or someone is home more often. The whole concept disgusts me. You may as well be as worthless to each other as someone pulling a number ticket at a butcher shop.
> 
> And BTW, the dudes don't win in open marriages. Women can get a whole lot more than men can. It's not even close, Matt.
> 
> You will never convince me that open marriage or swinging is a good thing. Just divorce and stop being pigs


I'm not into that either but the OP in this story had all kinds of cheating going on. He's messing with the wife, she's messing with the hubby. That seems like it lends itself to them all swinging together. That, or two divorces.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Oh i just assume with the wife's actions she has made her choice, and though it may not work out with the new man she got the validation she needed to toss her husband out. The part that im not in agreement is that she hasnt actually told her husband what she had already DECIDED to do. I think she had chosen to leave, but maybe certain things are making her not admit her feelings yet, or show her cards. 

So agreed Revenge affairs are unreasonable if you really are wanting to work things out. But i think this situation is the definition of "Grey area"


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Whilst I do not necessarily agree with her coping method (too many problems might result from it, psychological and physical) it is her coping method.
> 
> As St. Augustine wrote: "Cum dilectione hominum et odio vitiorum", With love for men and hatred for sin, or as it is commonly rendered, love the sinner but hate the sin.


you could argue that the wayward was "coping" the only way they knew how as well. When do people have to grow up and take responsibility for their own actions?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

stephscarlett said:


> you could argue that the wayward was "coping" the only way they knew how as well. When do people have to grow up and take responsibility for their own actions?


That's a very big question.

If the RA wife ever stops by it would be interesting to have her take on the situation.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

The cheaters roulette is easy to start but hard to stop because the preening and cuddling is fun. Maybe you guys can do a six month or a year on again, off again swap. Everybody gets a good sample of what's the recreation partner is really like before ya'll decide who you want to be with.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> This might surprise you, but I am not in favour of swinging. Too many things to go wrong, too many opportunities for people (especially the children) to get hurt.
> 
> It's not worth it.
> 
> ...


Matt, that is why you are my friend. I agree completely brotherman


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

LucasJackson said:


> I'm not into that either but the OP in this story had all kinds of cheating going on. He's messing with the wife, she's messing with the hubby. That seems like it lends itself to them all swinging together. That, or two divorces.


I support two divorces Lucas


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

I would have loved to have done this with my cheating husband's mistress. Unfortunately she was single otherwise I would have actively seeked him out. Good for her.


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