# sex in marriage



## Ifeelstuck (Jan 10, 2012)

I need some advice. I am new to this website but you ladies and gents seem to be open and honest with your advice and opinions. I don't know what to do. I am 58 and my husband is 66. He lost all desire for any affection about 2 years ago. We used to have a great sex life. 
No touching, hugging, kissing, cuddling or sex. Absolutely nothing. We have been married for 14 years. I recently had an affair with a man I had a big crush on since junior high school. This man never gave me a second look in school but we started talking on facebook and he was separated from his wife and one thing led to another. We were only together 1 time and then he dumped me to go back to his wife. I am devastated and can't get over it. I had kinda loved him for years. I don't know what to do about my marriage. In addition to our sex problems my husband is the laziest man on earth. He has had blood tests and his hormones are fine. He has money in an annuity account and he won't leave it to me to pay off the house if something happens to him. He would rather leave it to his kids then take care of his wife. I resent this tremendously! He yells and snaps at me but I am not allowed to talk to him that way. I want to leave but I am afraid. Can I support myself? Will my kids and grandchildren hate me for taking him out of their life? They love him and don't know him like I do. He is very affectionate to everyone but me and always has been. There is a part of me that loves him like a very good friend and I know it would hurt him if I left. I know you guys will condemn me for the affair but I am not dead yet and don't want to live like I am for the rest of my life.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

get off of face book.
it is evilness pure and simple. 
even fb is not an excuse for cheating.

has he had his testosterone levels checked?
i have heard that can cause tiredness.

dont know about the will part, that is something you need to discuss more with him.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Why did you allow this to go on for so long without addressing it? I think you should go to MC, if he's not willing, then you know your answer.


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## Ifeelstuck (Jan 10, 2012)

I don't think MC would help. When I have talked to him about the affection he says he forgets. (this man has never forgotten anything). We've discussed it several times and to do it again would sound like begging and I won't do it. Anytime I try to talk seriously with him he turns it around and makes it all my fault. I have tried talking about leaving enough money to me to pay off the house if something happened to him and he won't and he won't budge. I think he wants me to loose the house. He is afraid I would not give his kids their share when I die. He thinks I would give it all to my kids. I am not like that. I won't if he gives money to his kids and not mine. 
I don't agree facebook is evil. I have re-met some good friends. I have disabled my account until I can get over the pain from the affair.
And yes, he has had his testosterone checked. It keeps coming back normal. He has tried shots anyway and viagra. Nothing helps. I'm starting to think its deliberate. I am not an unattractive woman. I weigh 114 pounds. On the other hand he is a couch potato and fat.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Ifeelstuck said:


> I don't think MC would help. When I have talked to him about the affection he says he forgets. (this man has never forgotten anything). We've discussed it several times and to do it again would sound like begging and I won't do it. Anytime I try to talk seriously with him he turns it around and makes it all my fault. I have tried talking about leaving enough money to me to pay off the house if something happened to him and he won't and he won't budge. I think he wants me to loose the house. He is afraid I would not give his kids their share when I die. He thinks I would give it all to my kids. I am not like that. I won't if he gives money to his kids and not mine.
> I don't agree facebook is evil. I have re-met some good friends. I have disabled my account until I can get over the pain from the affair.
> And yes, he has had his testosterone checked. It keeps coming back normal. He has tried shots anyway and viagra. Nothing helps. I'm starting to think its deliberate. I am not an unattractive woman. I weigh 114 pounds. On the other hand he is a couch potato and fat.


he may just have some major contol issues it sounds like.

and yes, face book IS evil and Mark Elliot Zuckerberg IS the devil himself. no lie.


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## New Day (Jan 10, 2012)

Sounds like (according to what you say) he is considered an affectionate and nice guy to the world including your family. But it also sounds like this is what life will be like (no sex etc) and you want to leave but worried about finances. Well then you have to make a choice. The choice to have an affair with someone you had a crush on in junior high school - well obviously a bad decision and sounds like you would have left your husband for this guy had he stuck around. Have you told your husband about the affair? He deserves to know as he has the right to decide if he wants to be married to you anymore. 
As to the money issue, those are his kids and they should come first - so if he has a concern that you would cut them out - what is supposed to do?


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

New Day said:


> As to the money issue, those are his kids and they should come first - so if he has a concern that you would cut them out - what is supposed to do?


im not real clear on this myself.
he chose to be with her, she should be his first concern.
i believe he should see that she has enough to be ok if he dies, if they stay together, then give some to his children.


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

Hello "IfeelSuck",

I live in Texas and am a husband in a non-perfect marriage. I'm sorry to hear about your marital troubles. We are all human and have shortcomings and thus make mistakes. You sound like a decent person with a good heart, and without further information I'd hate to judge your husband as otherwise. In my opinion, your first step should be to communicate with your husband your feelings. I wouldn't divulge the affair yet, but do voice your concerns regarding the intimacy in your marriage and its affects in regard to meeting your personal needs for affection and intimacy. If you want to save your marriage, (and personally I think marriages always deserve utmost effort in saving), then earnest communication in key. If you open your heart to your husband and pour it out to him and he still doesn't "see the light", then we have a problem. But until then, let's focus on saving your marriage and leading your husband to the light.  Good luck and God bless.


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## Latinking (Nov 29, 2011)

I feel for you, I can't imagine being with someone who doesn't make the effort to show you if he even cares for you, much less love you. So, I can understand why you cheated, only wished you could have taken your time on having sex. Anyone can say I am separated. I'm sorry he too only got your hopes up. Best of luck to you and God bless.


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## New Day (Jan 10, 2012)

@ 2nd time is best - of course as his wife he has an obligation to take care of her and vice versa. But my point is that parents also have an obligation to care for our children - we are to put the kids first above us. and if, as she says, he has a concern that she would screw his kids over, then what is he to do? is he simply supposed to dismiss that feeling and let it go? 
None of us have the answer but to say this is not a consideration is short sighted. Maybe you (I feel stuck) need to find out from him why exactly he feels this way and if you can eliminate those fears.
I wish you great luck.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

HA! FB isn't evil. It's the user who is evil and conniving and getting into trouble. I love FB! But if you look at my friends...you'll see they're 99% female and I don't accept random friendships...and I rarely accept friendships from men or "old friends".

That being said, OP, does your husband know of your infidelity? I didn't read all the responses here...but am curious.

If Hubs cheated, I would not show his affection either.

OP, is your husband cheating? did he cheat? This would also show me a red flag...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

New Day said:


> @ 2nd time is best - of course as his wife he has an obligation to take care of her and vice versa. But my point is that parents also have an obligation to care for our children - we are to put the kids first above us. and if, as she says, he has a concern that she would screw his kids over, then what is he to do? is he simply supposed to dismiss that feeling and let it go?
> None of us have the answer but to say this is not a consideration is short sighted. Maybe you (I feel stuck) need to find out from him why exactly he feels this way and if you can eliminate those fears.
> I wish you great luck.


I don't think so. When you have grown children, you really owe them nothing. He should be thinking of his WIFE and her life AFTER he passes. He should want to make it easy for her to live and keep the house. That's a mature, responsible reaction.

When my grandpa died, my mom didn't get anything...it all went to the life and care of my grandmother  As it should. It was her life too that he passed from. MORE SO her life because all of their children were gone. She was really his only responsiblity, and he did good by her 

If this was my husband and he wouldn't think of caring for me after he passes, I would highly question how much the marriage meant to him.


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## Ifeelstuck (Jan 10, 2012)

That's what makes me think its deliberate. I have never heard of anyone Viagra didn't help. He is also a cheapskate. I think he just says that so he won't have to buy it. Thanks for the website, I might just buy it myself. Don't know. Its gotten to the point where I don't want him to touch me.


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