# Feel as if I were tricked.



## Bow_legs86 (Feb 2, 2018)

Well I’ve been married going on five years now and when my wife and I got together she was way more physical. We only had sex a few times before we got married and that’s because she really wanted to wait until marriage but we did it anyway. Long story hopefully short she made all of these comments about waiting til I came home at night and how she’s make love to me and blah blah blah. The only time that sex was regular was when we were trying to have a baby which we just had last year, got pregnant the year before last and before that we weren’t trying. We’ve actually had arguments about this and I’ve seriously considered infidelity and divorce. We’re both young she’ll be 31 this month and I’ll be 32 in September. After we got engaged the physical contact reduced to almost nothing. After marriage there was me asking for sex always starting it and most of the time she’s too tired to do anything. I understood her wanting to wait before marriage but afterwards there reall Isn’t anything to feel guilty about. Fast forward to 2018 and I don’t think we’ve done anything yet this year. Now she complains because she spends more time with the baby than I do, she works days and I work nights. The baby is in daycare so she picks her up and has her til she falls asleep. Growing up my mom had us all of the time and my dad some of the time because of my parents schedule, he worked evenings/nights and she worked days then he became a truck driver so my mom had my brother and I on her own for weeks. To this day my mom never complained. I feel that my wife’s lacking in the bed is causing me to lack on helping more around the house unless it’s something major. My wife knows that I enjoy sex and physical activities and she continues to not help the situation. I dunno what to do.


----------



## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

First off, LEAVE DON'T CHEAT if your actually willing to go through with it - don't be a *****. And second, how is fighting with her about sex going to make her want you? That makes zero sense. You need to have a serious conversation with your wife and find out why she isn't game for sex. And actually LISTEN to her without resentment and arrogance. And third, whether she puts out or not, that's your home and child as well so stop comparing your WIFE to your MOTHER. She has the right to voice her unhappiness just as much as you do. So don't by blame the lack of sex for your lack of husband and fatherly duties. 

FYI the *moment* you brought your mom into your post, I immediately got a feeling about why your wife is having issues. Welcome to 2018. And by the way, my mom took care of our home and me pretty much by herself too, and she resented my dad every single day for it. 

Good luck.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You're not "helping" around the house, like it's her job and you're doing her a big fat favor. 

You're an adult and you live there. Keeping the house is your job too.

Think about that.


----------



## Bow_legs86 (Feb 2, 2018)

lifeistooshort said:


> You're not "helping" around the house, like it's her job and you're doing her a big fat favor.
> 
> You're an adult and you live there. Keeping the house is your job too.
> 
> Think about that.


Well since she doesn’t have to wash my clothes or cook for me or take the garbage out I thought that would qualify for helping around the house. Maybe not it is 2018 after all.


----------



## Bow_legs86 (Feb 2, 2018)

Saibasu said:


> First off, LEAVE DON'T CHEAT if your actually willing to go through with it - don't be a *****. And second, how is fighting with her about sex going to make her want you? That makes zero sense. You need to have a serious conversation with your wife and find out why she isn't game for sex. And actually LISTEN to her without resentment and arrogance. And third, whether she puts out or not, that's your home and child as well so stop comparing your WIFE to your MOTHER. She has the right to voice her unhappiness just as much as you do. So don't by blame the lack of sex for your lack of husband and fatherly duties.
> 
> FYI the *moment* you brought your mom into your post, I immediately got a feeling about why your wife is having issues. Welcome to 2018. And by the way, my mom took care of our home and me pretty much by herself too, and she resented my dad every single day for it.
> 
> Good luck.


I don’t openly compare my wife to my mother. I can’t bring myself to cheat just thoughts of it. I didn’t say fight I said argument there’s a difference. I get what you’re saying though. I don’t skimp on my fatherly duties when I’m at home at the same time as the baby which is hardly because she’s in daycare since the in home babysitter we had didn’t have reliable transportation. I do what I’m suppose to do as a husband and guess how that makes me feel. I get up go to the gym and go to work and come home. I haven’t been out with friends since the baby was born because I’ve been working more to buy diapers and formula and pay for daycare and takin care of my share of the load at home. I don’t know If you’ve ever been in this kind of relationship but it does get frustrating. I’m not an in home deadbeat dad if that’s what you’re assuming. She hasn’t had to wash my clothes since we got married and she barely has to cook. I do what I can and what I can’t I can’t.


----------



## Bow_legs86 (Feb 2, 2018)

But maybe I am wrong though. I don’t know.


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Get the book "The 5 Love Languages:, both you and wife read & take the quiz in back. Each of you wants to be spoken to in your own language, and your talking past each other.

It's a two way street. You have to meet her needs & she needs to meet yours.

For yourself, get the book or find online "No More Mr. Nice Guy".

Get a sitter and go on dates, if nothing else, go do shopping together. Spend time with your wife not expecting sex.

However, there should be times where after you have had date time, sex DOES occur.


----------



## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Ignore unproductive advice from angry feminists. An honest person with a desire to help would have noted that the problem existed long before your alleged reluctance to help around the house. You need to sit her down and explain how serious the problem is. It really does seem like you were baited and switched, which is dishonest on her part. 

If you look objectively at the tasks around the house that the two of you are performing and see that you're really not pulling your weight, then you should start doing more. But do it because it's the right thing to do. Do NOT do it with the objective of getting in her good graces and hoping for more sex. Anyone who's read these forums know the pattern: 

1) Husband complains about lack of sex, 
2) Wife says it's because he doesn't help enough around the house, 
3) Husband starts helping around the house, doing more than his fair share, 
4) Nothing happens. Wife is still uninterested in her husband--perhaps even less interested--and the sex life is the way it was before.

This pattern is repeated time and time again in the sexless marriage stories in this forum. 

Do NOT cheat on her. Keep the high ground and be a man of integrity. If the problem cannot be worked out, start looking into divorce. Unfortunately, that might be the only point where she finally grasps the severity of the problem.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You fell for the oldest trick in the book. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Doesn't sound to me like you were tricked. Sounds like she advertised exactly what she was offering.

It's not that I'm unsympathetic, I am. You just ignored the red flags.

Now you have a kid and are backed into a hole.

You pretty well have 2 choices.

It's either a deal breaker, or it's not.
Only you can make that decision.


----------



## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

Bow_legs86 said:


> I don’t openly compare my wife to my mother. I can’t bring myself to cheat just thoughts of it. I didn’t say fight I said argument there’s a difference. I get what you’re saying though. I don’t skimp on my fatherly duties when I’m at home at the same time as the baby which is hardly because she’s in daycare since the in home babysitter we had didn’t have reliable transportation. I do what I’m suppose to do as a husband and guess how that makes me feel. I get up go to the gym and go to work and come home. I haven’t been out with friends since the baby was born because I’ve been working more to buy diapers and formula and pay for daycare and takin care of my share of the load at home. I don’t know If you’ve ever been in this kind of relationship but it does get frustrating. I’m not an in home deadbeat dad if that’s what you’re assuming. She hasn’t had to wash my clothes since we got married and she barely has to cook. I do what I can and what I can’t I can’t.


I don’t assume anything. In your post you yourself said you aren’t helping out as much unless it’s something big. I just wanted to draw attention to what you said. I understand all the crazy that comes with being married, overworked and with kids. And I’m glad to hear that cheating isn’t on the forefront of your mind, but letting those types of ideas float around in your head can lead to some serious trouble, and even if your not openly comparing your wife to your mother, trust me, she can feel it. 

You say the sex has been lacking for most of the relationship, and all the red flags were waving pretty hard, besides the new addition, hs anything else changed recently in your life that could have affected your partners intimacy levels? Postpartum depression? Body issues? Confidence levels? Anything?


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Tatsuhiko said:


> Ignore unproductive advice from angry feminists. An honest person with a desire to help would have noted that the problem existed long before your alleged reluctance to help around the house. You need to sit her down and explain how serious the problem is. It really does seem like you were baited and switched, which is dishonest on her part.
> 
> If you look objectively at the tasks around the house that the two of you are performing and see that you're really not pulling your weight, then you should start doing more. But do it because it's the right thing to do. Do NOT do it with the objective of getting in her good graces and hoping for more sex. Anyone who's read these forums know the pattern:
> 
> ...


He said that the sex stopped when they got engaged, so before they married, how is that that baiting and switching?


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Bow_legs86 said:


> Well I’ve been married going on five years now and when my wife and I got together she was way more physical. *We only had sex a few times before we got married and that’s because she really wanted to wait until marriage but we did it anyway.* Long story hopefully short she made all of these comments about waiting til I came home at night and how she’s make love to me and blah blah blah. The only time that sex was regular was when we were trying to have a baby which we just had last year, got pregnant the year before last and before that we weren’t trying. We’ve actually had arguments about this and I’ve seriously considered infidelity and divorce. We’re both young she’ll be 31 this month and I’ll be 32 in September. After we got engaged the physical contact reduced to almost nothing. *After marriage there was me asking for sex always starting it and most of the time she’s too tired to do anything. I understood her wanting to wait before marriage but afterwards there reall Isn’t anything to feel guilty about.*


This IS NOT a bait and switch situation. You married your wife knowing sex was not a priority for her. You made the mistake many young people make in assuming she would come around once married. Now you are learning that it isn't the case and you are pissed.

As someone else already stated, your choices are divorce and find someone more compatible or stay in the marriage and compromise.



Bow_legs86 said:


> Fast forward to 2018 and I don’t think we’ve done anything yet this year. *Now she complains because she spends more time with the baby than I do, she works days and I work nights.* *The baby is in daycare so she picks her up and has her til she falls asleep.*





Bow_legs86 said:


> *I don’t skimp on my fatherly duties when I’m at home at the same time as the baby which is hardly because she’s in daycare* since the in home babysitter we had didn’t have reliable transportation.


Why is your baby is daycare if you are working nights? The only way I could see justifying daytime care for family working split shifts is if one partner is working the graveyard shift. If that's the case, is it possible for you to put him/her in half days? This would allow you to spend some one-on-one quality time with the baby during the work week. 

They grow up fast. You don't want to regret having spent no time bonding with your child.



Bow_legs86 said:


> Growing up my mom had us all of the time and my dad some of the time because of my parents schedule, he worked evenings/nights and she worked days then he became a truck driver so my mom had my brother and I on her own for weeks. To this day my mom never complained. I feel that my wife’s lacking in the bed is causing me to lack on helping more around the house unless it’s something major. My wife knows that I enjoy sex and physical activities and she continues to not help the situation. I dunno what to do.


If you want your marriage to improve then remove any comparison in your mind of your mother to your wife. Different times, different situations.



Bow_legs86 said:


> *Well since she doesn’t have to wash my clothes or cook for me or take the garbage out I thought that would qualify for helping around the house*. Maybe not it is 2018 after all.





Bow_legs86 said:


> *I do what I’m suppose to do as a husband and guess how that makes me feel. I get up go to the gym and go to work and come home.* I haven’t been out with friends since the baby was born because I’ve been working more to buy diapers and formula and pay for daycare and *takin care of my share of the load at home*. I don’t know If you’ve ever been in this kind of relationship but it does get frustrating. I’m not an in home deadbeat dad if that’s what you’re assuming. She hasn’t had to wash my clothes since we got married and she barely has to cook. I do what I can and what I can’t I can’t.


Do you think that bringing home a paycheck, forgoing your partying days, and staying pretty at the gym is "takin care of my share of the load at home"? Your wife is bringing home a paycheck, raising a child almost exclusively alone, and assuming you do not have a housekeeping service, doing 100% of the housekeeping. Has she been out with her friends? Does she get to spend time any alone time to do anything she wants to do?

I ask these questions because it could be that your wife is overwhelmed. She is essentially a single mother during the work week. The last thing on her mind is sexy times. 

If you are working night shift, and your baby is daycare, what ARE you doing during the day? 

I would also assume that working split shifts, you see very little of each other during the work week. Couples should spend 15 hours a week on quality time. That's uninterrupted time dating each other. No tv, no baby, or other distractions. This is time you and your wife focus on becoming emotionally connected. How much time do you and your wife spend with each other during the week?


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Windwalker said:


> Doesn't sound to me like you were tricked. Sounds like she advertised exactly what she was offering.
> 
> It's not that I'm unsympathetic, I am. You just ignored the red flags.
> 
> ...


Not true. My wife did wait until marriage. 3 to 4 times a week for the first 8 years. Then 2 to 3 after that.


----------



## Tiggy! (Sep 9, 2016)

Bow_legs86 said:


> Well since she doesn’t have to wash my clothes or cook for me or take the garbage out I thought that would qualify for helping around the house. Maybe not it is 2018 after all.



Isn't that just cleaning up after yourself?


----------



## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

First, stop looking for blame. None of that really matters. You are married with a child. It behooves you to try to fix the problem regardless of who said or did what.

Your wife is not very interested in sex and you are. Fundamental mismatch of need. If you are both willing to compromise you may be able to come to a mutually agreeable solution. She is not "wrong" for her feelings any more than you are for yours. Hopefully you both love and respect one another enough to want to meet the other's need. If she has no interest in counseling or even discussion about this issue then it will never improve. She must see it as a problem or you are wasting your time. 

We should give because we want to, not to get something in return. Intentionally withholding effort with the household chores is not only childish but a good way to elicit retaliation from her. You end up in a downward, passive-aggressive spiral that usually ends in infidelity or divorce. Give to your wife what she needs, to the best of your ability and regardless of what you find lacking. This is generosity. If she is unwilling or unable to be similarly generous in return to you, you have a hard decision to make regarding the future of the marriage. 

Don't look back, look to the future. Have a calm but direct conversation with her about your sexual needs. Don't make threats or give ultimatums. Don't allow the conversation to stray from the topic. Any unrealized needs of hers can be the topic for another discussion. Stay focused and end the conversation if she insists on a bunch of "yeah, well what about YOU," stuff. This is not the time for horsetrading. 

Counseling would be a great start. You need to discover if she has a low sex drive or an actual aversion to sex. My opinion is that you can work on the former, but the latter will be an uphill battle at best.


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

ABHale said:


> Not true. My wife did wait until marriage. 3 to 4 times a week for the first 8 years. Then 2 to 3 after that.


I understand your point, but your situation is not his. His wife, felt guilty, but did have sex before marriage. Only he had a good view of her level of desire before marriage. I may be wrong, but she didn't sound very sexual from his description. 

On a side note, I don't have sex on the first date. There will be a properly vetted relationship before that stage comes, but I would never get married without having an accurate representation of what her desire level is.


----------



## stiiky (Jul 29, 2017)

I can see where she’s coming from about having to work, take care of the baby, and do household chores. 

Before I became a stay-at-home-mother, I had a very physical job and worked anywhere from 10-17 hours a day, 5-7 days a week. I worked early mornings which would begin anywhere from 12 AM to 3 AM. After my work shift, I had to go pick up our daughter and take care of household chores as well as run any errands I needed to do. 

My husband worked nights but only had 8-hour shifts and he pretty much slept during the day. 

All of the responsibilities fell on me. I did what I needed to do but I was extremely tired. I didn’t want to do anything, let alone have sex. 

I was getting upset at my husband because I felt like a single mother. All power to those that are single mothers but I was starting to resent my husband because he is in the picture and wasn’t willing to help with anything when he was home.

Your wife may or may not work that many hours but it can still become tiresome.

I became a stay-at-home- mother after our second child was born. They are both special needs so I decided to quit work to care for them.

Just because I’m not working a job doesn’t mean I don’t get burned out. I still need a break from the kids. 

I don’t resent my husband anymore about helping with household chores because I have more time to do them. I do get on him about doing his own dishes and putting his dirty laundry in the clothes hamper because he has a tendency to create more work for me to do. I don’t ask him to do anything except pick up after himself and if there’s something that I don’t know how to do I’ll ask him like if something broke and I can’t fix it. 

The point is, no matter what the situation is you need to split the work between you and your wife. She can’t do it all. You may help with a few chores here and there but it may not be an equal distribution in her eyes. 

I suggest sitting down with your wife and create a chore chart for both of you that you both agree to. I would also suggest spending more time with your baby while you are home with the baby. Give her a break from time to time.

There could be more to this as to why she isn’t interested in having sex but at least you can eliminate one possibility by helping her more often and move on to the next possibility.


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> You're not "helping" around the house, like it's her job and you're doing her a big fat favor.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




What? The guy is not getting any sex and it’s his fault?  yes, he should be washing the windows with one hand and masturbating with the other and see what happens. Problem solved. Just be careful not to give the neighbours an eyeful. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Lila said:


> This IS NOT a bait and switch situation.


Is there a different name for promising to wait to have sex after marriage and then not doing it?


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

inmyprime said:


> Is there a different name for promising to wait to have sex after marriage and then not doing it?


Don't know but that isn't the OP's case. He DID have sex prior to marriage but it was at his urging. She's never given him any indication that she was interested in sex but he chose to marry her anyway. This is not a case of bait and switch. 

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Lila said:


> Don't know but that isn't the OP's case. He DID have sex prior to marriage but it was at his urging. She's never given him any indication that she was interested in sex but he chose to marry her anyway. This is not a case of bait and switch.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


Maybe he can clarify this bit although it seems pretty clear to me:

"We only had sex a few times before we got married and *that’s because she really wanted to wait until marriage* but we did it anyway"

A of people wait until marriage to have sex for various reasons (religious or otherwise). Seems pretty clear that she misled him.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

inmyprime said:


> Maybe he can clarify this bit although it seems pretty clear to me:
> 
> "We only had sex a few times before we got married and *that’s because she really wanted to wait until marriage* but we did it anyway"
> 
> A of people wait until marriage to have sex for various reasons (religious or otherwise). Seems pretty clear that she misled him.


We'll have to agree to disagree. He bought the clunker assuming he could turn into a racing machine. Nope. Never happens 

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

"After we got engaged the physical contact reduced to almost nothing"

well you certainly were at the scene of the crime! Should have delayed or called off the marriage. 
Best advice is to divorce....she is simply not the woman you THOUGHT you were marrying. It is partially her lying/tricking you, and partly you not seeing the obvious. But now you are stuck at a dead end. Divorce.

And be much smarter in choosing your NEXT partner.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

inmyprime said:


> "We only had sex a few times before we got married and *that’s because she really wanted to wait until marriage* but we did it anyway"
> .


Where the heck are you, geographically? 
THAT is the thinking we used to have back in the 1950's. Not TODAY in America! NOBODY waits until after marriage for sex, and the few ultra religious that do, are pretty much ALL disappointed after the marriage that they did.


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> Where the heck are you, geographically?
> THAT is the thinking we used to have back in the 1950's. Not TODAY in America! NOBODY waits until after marriage for sex, and the few ultra religious that do, are pretty much ALL disappointed after the marriage that they did.


I am glad to hear that (that 'nobody' waits until marriage). However that's not the impression I get from TAM where I constantly am debating the disadvantages of waiting for sex until marriage (just to find out that you are incompatible).


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Lila said:


> We'll have to agree to disagree. He bought the clunker assuming he could turn into a racing machine. Nope. Never happens
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


Was he supposed to disregard her promise then? Why is it always the guy who 'should have known better'? 
I don't get that here. You also promise to 'love each other in sickness and health'; so when they guy runs off with a younger woman when his wife gets sick, I guess according to your logic, she should have known better.:scratchhead:


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

inmyprime said:


> Was he supposed to disregard her promise then? Why is it always the guy who 'should have known better'?
> I don't get that here. You also promise to 'love each other in sickness and health'; so when they guy runs off with a younger woman when his wife gets sick, I guess according to your logic, she should have known better.:scratchhead:


 I'm not going to get pulled into your strawman argument about sickness and health but will say that it's not just the guy that "should have known better". Plenty of women chase 'bad boys ' only to learn too late that marrying someone expecting them to change is a fool's errand. OP chose to ignore the evidence before him and married her anyways. 

I truly feel bad for the OP but he's ultimately left with two choices, stay or go. Things are obviously not perfect in their marriage and there are things he can do to improve his chances but she is who she is. Attempting to change her is an exercise in futility. 

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Lila said:


> I'm not going to get pulled into your strawman argument about sickness and health but will say that it's not just the guy that "should have known better". Plenty of women chase 'bad boys ' only to learn too late that marrying someone expecting them to change is a fool's errand. OP chose to ignore the evidence before him and married her anyways.
> 
> I truly feel bad for the OP but he's ultimately left with two choices, stay or go. Things are obviously not perfect in their marriage and there are things he can do to improve his chances but she is who she is. Attempting to change her is an exercise in futility.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


I agree with most of it (about his choices now) but your first post, specifically this: "*You made the mistake* many young people make in assuming she would come around once married. Now you are learning that it isn't the case and you are pissed."
clearly lays blame on him. Whereas she clearly *promised him more sex* after marriage and it didn't happen. For some reason you are ignoring this, what seems to me to be a crucial detail. You write as if he was hoping she would come around. If she promised him this, and he trusted her, perhaps you can explain why you think he should *not* have trusted her on her word.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

inmyprime said:


> I agree with most of it (about his choices now) but your first post, specifically this: "*You made the mistake* many young people make in assuming she would come around once married. Now you are learning that it isn't the case and you are pissed."
> clearly lays blame on him. Whereas she clearly *promised him more sex* after marriage and it didn't happen. For some reason you are ignoring this, what seems to me to be a crucial detail. You write as if he was hoping she would come around. If she promised him this, and he trusted her, perhaps you can explain why you think he should *not* have trusted her on her word.


{Sigh} I think you are being purposefully obtuse but giving you the benefit of doubt, I am not going to explain it again because you are not going to get it. Suffice it to say you and I have different opinions. Let's just agree to disagree. 

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Lila said:


> {Sigh}* I think you are being purposefully obtuse* but giving you the benefit of doubt, I am not going to explain it again because you are not going to get it. Suffice it to say you and I have different opinions. Let's just agree to disagree.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


Happy to disagree. But if possible, without insulting me at the same time as well, if you don't mind. That's against forum rules.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

inmyprime said:


> Happy to disagree. But if possible, without insulting me at the same time as well, if you don't mind. That's against forum rules.


If you feel I broke the rules, then please report it. I disagree but I am sorry if you feel I have insulted you. 

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Lila said:


> If you feel I broke the rules, then please report it. I disagree but I am sorry if you feel I have insulted you.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk



Why waste moderators’ time if I can tell you this myself. Calling people names (“obtuse”) is against forum rules. I hope that’s not so difficult to comprehend. 
Peace. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

inmyprime said:


> Why waste moderators’ time if I can tell you this myself. Calling people names (“obtuse”) is against forum rules. I hope that’s not so difficult to comprehend.
> Peace.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Again, let's agree to disagree. Peace to you as well. 

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Do you want to spend anymore time trying to fix this sexless marriage that in the vast majority never change?

If not pull the plug!

Or forever hold your ****


----------



## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> He said that the sex stopped when they got engaged, so before they married, how is that that baiting and switching?


She led him to believe that she wanted to wait until marriage. He made the mistake of respecting her "beliefs". It was deceptive on her part. 

I can't believe this thread has devolved into assertions that a woman has a right to verbally mislead a man, and that she's essentially not responsible for her behavior in this regard. Men would be held to a different standard. If a person wants to be respected as an adult, man or woman, he/she must make his/her actions match his/her words. There is nothing "obtuse" about expecting your wife to be a mature, honest adult.


----------



## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

Bow_legs86 said:


> We only had sex a few times before we got married and that’s because she really wanted to wait until marriage but we did it anyway.


Did you coerce her in any way? If so, you might want to consider the possible impact that has had on her psycho-sexual health.

I don't know her background, but statistically around 3 in 10 children suffer sexual abuse. This does not even include those who suffer emotional or physical abuse. If she falls into that statistic, then even mild forms of sexual coercion in adulthood could have affected her far more than you might realize.

You might need to talk to her about that. I'm not saying that's the reason she so seldom has sex with you. Many reasons may exist. But until you figure it out, you can't exclude this as a possibility.


----------



## Julie smith (Feb 4, 2018)

I have a similar situation. We had sex for the first time after we got married. On our honey moon my husband tells me that he isn’t sexually attracted to me. This DEVISTATED me!!! When the kids were younger Sex actually got better and we were happy for a good chunck of time. He owns his own business and works 100 hours a week! I have always been a stay at home mom and was always with my kids if they weren’t in school. Life has been very lonely for me because it’s only been about the kids for the past 20 years! Now both my kids are away at university and i’m more lonelier now then ever before. My husband never has taken time off from work except for a week a year and that doesn’t happen every year. He’s a workaholic!!! Now that it’s just us home I feel lost. I started having an affair but we never had sex. I am very attractive and constantly get comments on my looks. I just don’t get them from my husband. This is very hurtful to me. I want us to be able to have amazing sex now that my kids aren’t here anymore but we just seem to not even know who we are as a couple anymore because it’s always been about the kids. I never thought I’d be in this situation. Me having an affair gave me confidence and made me feel pretty and wanted all the things my husband never made me feel. I now don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I can’t leave because i’m not financially able to but I am miserable with him. Please help! Any advice is appreciated!!!


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Julie smith said:


> I have a similar situation. We had sex for the first time after we got married. On our honey moon my husband tells me that he isn’t sexually attracted to me. This DEVISTATED me!!! When the kids were younger Sex actually got better and we were happy for a good chunck of time. He owns his own business and works 100 hours a week! I have always been a stay at home mom and was always with my kids if they weren’t in school. Life has been very lonely for me because it’s only been about the kids for the past 20 years! Now both my kids are away at university and i’m more lonelier now then ever before. My husband never has taken time off from work except for a week a year and that doesn’t happen every year. He’s a workaholic!!! Now that it’s just us home I feel lost. I started having an affair but we never had sex. I am very attractive and constantly get comments on my looks. I just don’t get them from my husband. This is very hurtful to me. I want us to be able to have amazing sex now that my kids aren’t here anymore but we just seem to not even know who we are as a couple anymore because it’s always been about the kids. I never thought I’d be in this situation. Me having an affair gave me confidence and made me feel pretty and wanted all the things my husband never made me feel. I now don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I can’t leave because i’m not financially able to but I am miserable with him. Please help! Any advice is appreciated!!!


Here's some advice. Start your own thread instead of cluttering up a bunch of others. You will get more advise that way.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Bow_legs86 said:


> Well I’ve been married going on five years now and when my wife and I got together she was way more physical. We only had sex a few times before we got married and that’s because she really wanted to wait until marriage but we did it anyway. Long story hopefully short she made all of these comments about waiting til I came home at night and how she’s make love to me and blah blah blah. The only time that sex was regular was when we were trying to have a baby which we just had last year, got pregnant the year before last and before that we weren’t trying. We’ve actually had arguments about this and I’ve seriously considered infidelity and divorce. We’re both young she’ll be 31 this month and I’ll be 32 in September. After we got engaged the physical contact reduced to almost nothing. After marriage there was me asking for sex always starting it and most of the time she’s too tired to do anything. I understood her wanting to wait before marriage but afterwards there reall Isn’t anything to feel guilty about. Fast forward to 2018 and I don’t think we’ve done anything yet this year. Now she complains because she spends more time with the baby than I do, she works days and I work nights. The baby is in daycare so she picks her up and has her til she falls asleep. Growing up my mom had us all of the time and my dad some of the time because of my parents schedule, he worked evenings/nights and she worked days then he became a truck driver so my mom had my brother and I on her own for weeks. To this day my mom never complained. I feel that my wife’s lacking in the bed is causing me to lack on helping more around the house unless it’s something major. My wife knows that I enjoy sex and physical activities and she continues to not help the situation. I dunno what to do.




- When you were dating, she wanted to wait until being married to have sex, but you did a few times beforehand. We all do.....:grin2:

- You got married.

- Then it seems she only wanted sex, to have a baby.......

- Now she got pregnant and had your child. Congrats.

- You're both 31 to 32 years old and that's in your primes, the best you will ever be and at 30, you actually start to go downhill.

- Now raising a baby is a full time job in itself and this takes all of her time.

- She also works???? Now that's a woman!!!! That's like two jobs.

- You must realize, that many woman after having their babies, their hormones are way off and that means they aren't interested in sex. This may take a short or long time to recover or might even require going to the family doctor to get meds getting her hormones back to normal. But, that's if she wants to do this. Many don't. Also, unwanted weight gain, baby weight makes her feel unsexy.

- You should be doing more than 50% of the chores, helping a lot around the house, that would be cool on your part. It's the least you can do because you both work. She's raising the baby.

- If she was a stay at home mom, then she could do most of the chores.

- You can always buy sex toys and get it out of your system, thus, not pestering her for sex. When things calm down and she's used to raising the baby and working, her sex drive might get back to normal.

- Did she bait and switch you? 

- I'd say she was LD when you were dating, made sex seem a priority only to have a baby, and now little to no sex afterwards, which doesn't surprise me.

- For the ladies, their 30's are the best sexual years. Men its our teens and 20's.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

This is one of the fatal flaws of waiting till marriage. Not only are you dealing with someone who has no experience at sex, you have someone whom you have no idea of their natural libido, and they have no idea themselves either!

They may have been told 'sex is awesome you'll love it' and assume they'll want it a lot, especially when pop media makes it look fantastic every time, but then reality lets them down, and they find they don't want it nearly as often as they had anticipated. This is worsened if both people waited till marriage and there are no learned skills between the two of them. It can be ameliorated if both partners are comfortable experimenting and learning together, but there are so many hangups about talking about sex, particularly among the cultures that promote waiting till marriage, that this doesn't necessarily happen.

People are quick to accuse them of deliberate 'bait and switch' but in reality it may just be massive ignorance, lack of self-knowledge, and too much shame about communicating about it.

I also suspect that people who find it easy to wait until marriage likely have naturally low libidos that make the waiting more tolerable for them. Especially if they don't masturbate while they wait.

Finally, there is sexuality research that shows that women's bodies are more sexually fluid than men's; their libido is better able to adapt to circumstances than men's are. If there's a drought in sex frequency, women's libido can dwindle away while men's generally does not.

To get over it, you need two partners who are open and can communicate about sex without self-consciousness or shame, who are aware of their own sexuality and preferences, and who are respectful of their partner's sexuality and preferences. That is often hard to achieve, especially in a wait-for-marriage culture where sex isn't discussed.

Add any other difficulties in the marriage, such as children, financial strain, unequal work division in and out of the home, health issues, etc, on top of this, and resentment and stress builds. Generalizing, but in a sexual mismatch, usually one partner (the man) wants sex as a stress reliever so the rest of life doesn't seem so bad, while the other partner (woman) only wants sex when they are stress-free.

You can't easily identify this sort of mismatch without living together in a sexual relationship before marriage. But you can't place blame on only one partner in the 'wait till marriage' situation. Both are responsible for being mismatched and not identifying it beforehand.

I learned a lot about this in and from my long-ended marriage. I made a lot of assumptions, about myself and my partner, that turned out to be incorrect, and impossible to communicate about or fix together. I guess I should end on some advice, which is to sit down with your partner, express that the sexual mismatch is a big problem in the marriage, without blaming your partner for it, and address it together. Sex counselling could be a big help here. If your partner is unwilling to communicate about it, or to engage in such counselling, then you have nothing to work with and the marriage can't be improved in this regard. If you persist in blaming her for tricking you, then SHE has nothing to work with and the marriage can't be improved.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Bow,

Why did you agree to have a child with a wife who really doesn’t like sex with you? 

Your best shot at addressing this was before having a baby. If it wasn’t fixable, you could have divorced far more easily. Now you have a child, and a divorce is far more complicated and expensive. 




Bow_legs86 said:


> Well I’ve been married going on five years now and when my wife and I got together she was way more physical. We only had sex a few times before we got married and that’s because she really wanted to wait until marriage but we did it anyway. Long story hopefully short she made all of these comments about waiting til I came home at night and how she’s make love to me and blah blah blah. The only time that sex was regular was when we were trying to have a baby which we just had last year, got pregnant the year before last and before that we weren’t trying. We’ve actually had arguments about this and I’ve seriously considered infidelity and divorce. We’re both young she’ll be 31 this month and I’ll be 32 in September. After we got engaged the physical contact reduced to almost nothing. After marriage there was me asking for sex always starting it and most of the time she’s too tired to do anything. I understood her wanting to wait before marriage but afterwards there reall Isn’t anything to feel guilty about. Fast forward to 2018 and I don’t think we’ve done anything yet this year. Now she complains because she spends more time with the baby than I do, she works days and I work nights. The baby is in daycare so she picks her up and has her til she falls asleep. Growing up my mom had us all of the time and my dad some of the time because of my parents schedule, he worked evenings/nights and she worked days then he became a truck driver so my mom had my brother and I on her own for weeks. To this day my mom never complained. I feel that my wife’s lacking in the bed is causing me to lack on helping more around the house unless it’s something major. My wife knows that I enjoy sex and physical activities and she continues to not help the situation. I dunno what to do.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Lila,
Totally agree. He had about 3 years of experiencing a low sex marriage - before they started trying to have a baby. He fully understood how she is wired at the point they agreed to make a baby. 

I think it’s fine to recognize that you are incompatible and divorce before having a child. 

But it is not ok to have a child and then decide your partner must change or you are gonna punish them for the way they are. 




Lila said:


> Don't know but that isn't the OP's case. He DID have sex prior to marriage but it was at his urging. She's never given him any indication that she was interested in sex but he chose to marry her anyway. This is not a case of bait and switch.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Bow,
Just to be clear. I agree, you were tricked into marriage. But - before having a child - divorce really isn’t that difficult, nor is it costly. You could have easily left and could have been honest about why. I would have if that had been done to me. But you chose to stay. 

And you were fully aware of how sexually incompatible you were when you agreed to have a child. You chose to make an 18 year commitment to someone who you knew you were not compatible with. Why is that her fault?





Bow_legs86 said:


> Well I’ve been married going on five years now and when my wife and I got together she was way more physical. We only had sex a few times before we got married and that’s because she really wanted to wait until marriage but we did it anyway. Long story hopefully short she made all of these comments about waiting til I came home at night and how she’s make love to me and blah blah blah. The only time that sex was regular was when we were trying to have a baby which we just had last year, got pregnant the year before last and before that we weren’t trying. We’ve actually had arguments about this and I’ve seriously considered infidelity and divorce. We’re both young she’ll be 31 this month and I’ll be 32 in September. After we got engaged the physical contact reduced to almost nothing. After marriage there was me asking for sex always starting it and most of the time she’s too tired to do anything. I understood her wanting to wait before marriage but afterwards there reall Isn’t anything to feel guilty about. Fast forward to 2018 and I don’t think we’ve done anything yet this year. Now she complains because she spends more time with the baby than I do, she works days and I work nights. The baby is in daycare so she picks her up and has her til she falls asleep. Growing up my mom had us all of the time and my dad some of the time because of my parents schedule, he worked evenings/nights and she worked days then he became a truck driver so my mom had my brother and I on her own for weeks. To this day my mom never complained. I feel that my wife’s lacking in the bed is causing me to lack on helping more around the house unless it’s something major. My wife knows that I enjoy sex and physical activities and she continues to not help the situation. I dunno what to do.


----------

