# losing weight and lost attraction...



## confusedstate (Jul 17, 2012)

It’s taking all I have to post on here but I have nowhere else to turn and I really need some unbiased advice not from friends and family. Nobody knows how I’m feeling right now overall though my husband is aware that we are having bedroom issues. I’ll begin by saying this:
Over the past four years, I have lost 110 pounds. When I met my now husband, I was almost 300 pounds and he was heavier as well. Our sex life was good. Yes, he wasn’t like some other past lovers as far as experience and being wild and kinky in the bedroom but I figured I could help him get there. He is also smaller in size than what I am used to. Regardless of all that we had a good sex life back when I was heavier. I was having O’s left and right and even sometimes together. No issues at all. Soon after I met my now husband I decided I wanted to change my life and lose weight, get healthy and start living again and that’s what I did. I tried to convince him to do the same so we could do it together and share an active life together. As the first and second year went by I found myself trying to help him and encourage him to do what I was doing because I love him and want him to be happy. He was very resistant and we had so many fights back and forth about me loving him for him and to stop trying to change him. I tried to explain it was because I love him and want him to be free of the burden of being heavy and to be healthy. He would look in the mirror and say he was disgusted with himself but then push off losing weight because I was trying to change him. In our third year it finally clicked I think and we started working out together, getting healthy, eating better etc….behaviors did change but the weight wasn’t really coming off. About two years ago we had a conversation that I believe changed our relationship forever. I basically told him that I really wanted it to be our year and I want him to do this with me and that I needed his support. I also told him that I was attracted to him in a sense, which was yes partially true. When you lose weight and change your life, so much of you changes as a person. You have goals and dreams and when it starts to come off you start believing in yourself again. Because I was doing it, I wanted him to do it too. Is that wrong of me? Probably so. After that conversation in January is when our sex life halted. I had no urge to have sex with him. I loved kissing him and making out but when it came to getting naked, I now found myself getting turned off because of his size. How could I feel this way about a man whom I loved so much, I used to be the same way and now it felt like I was looking down on him. I also found myself getting frustrated because we couldn’t do certain positions in the bedroom because of his smaller size and his belly kind of got in the way. I even told him that and he still to this day says that’s not it. With all that said, I thought things would change and that I was just going through a big life change and that it would pass. It never did sadly. We just recently married a few months ago and I honestly have not had an O in over a year. We have sex because I feel it is my duty to have sex with him but there is no more wanting him or honestly being hot for him because I know that I’m not going to O and that we only do certain positions and it’s just gotten boring. Here’s the kicker…in 2012 of this year we both kickstarted our weight loss and he has lost almost 40 pounds and I am now so close to my goal weight I can taste it. I am so proud fo him and am his biggest fan and supporter. But even still, I find myself not attracted to him. I love kissing him but that's about it.I still don’t have that urge to have sex. He has even said, when he looks at me, I don’t make noise, I don’t look like I’m enjoying it. Honestly, it’s because I really do not feel anything when we are having sex. I love this man, he is a wonderful husband, an amazing man and I’m honored to be his wife but how can I get past this? Is this something that cannot be corrected or fixed? I find myself now wanting other people and honestly able to get worked up when thinking about other men but not my own husband. I feel so horrible and guilty. I am fully aware that a therapist is probably the way to go, but before all that, can anyone give some advice as to what you think the issue is? When people asked me if I have changed as a person since losing the weight my answer is simply yes. I have changed in that I want an active lifestyle and I want to have a partner who wants the same. Being overweight was smothering, I wasn’t living and I will never go back to that life. But has it changed me in that I place judgments on others to do the same? Who even knows if losing the weight on his end would help? I’m just so confused and sad, I really do not know what to do. I imagine if somebody had told me that they weren’t attracted to me because of my weight or size of my breasts etc….and I cannot imagine how painful that is to hear. No matter how it’s said, it’s hurtful. I love my husband, I really do but I’m just lost as to what to do and why i'm feeling this way……


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Well, a few things first off. I'd like to express that it's positive to see you are trying and you want to make this work. Where there is a will, there is a way I believe.

That said, I think your biggest mistake was to be feeling this way about your man, and then marrying him. If your sex life was 'boring' before marriage, it's not likely a marriage itself will fix that. The same applies to comments about his penis size. That hasn't changed at all, yet you were having plenty of orgasms before.

I assume you were attracted to your husband when you first got together. There were plenty of orgasms and great sex, so the attraction was there by the sounds of it. You complain about him not being as into the weight-loss as you are, yet you admit he's lost 40 pounds or so, so if weight-loss equals attraction in your eyes, shouldn't he be more attractive now to you?

As such, the issue at hand likely isn't his weight, penis size or anything physical. I suspect the issue is yourself and your self-confidence. Due to relieving yourself of this weight, you likely feel great about yourself, and you should. It's quite an accomplishment and I'm proud of you. That said, with greater confidence comes greater expectations of what you should get for yourself, and I suspect that the type of man you were willing to settle for when you were 300 lbs. is not the type of man you think you should get at 190 lbs. As such, you sub-conciously feel you are worthy of a 'better' man than your husband. I will assume you are also generating more attention from other men, based on what you posted about being attracted to other men and wanting to be with them, so this will only fuel that expectation.

I think you need to reassess what you value in a man and a life partner and focus on those aspects more. If you want a good, honest, kind husband, and your husband is that, then start doing activities that will highlight those qualities in him. As well, get away from the mirror. It's good to be happy with your weight-loss progress, but to much self-infatuation can be overload to your ego, leaving your husband with an expectation level you are setting that is to high for him to reach.


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## confusedstate (Jul 17, 2012)

@kingsfan-
Thank you so much for your reply and it honestly makes a lot of sense. You're right, i had no problem having O's before and being turned on so why has that changed now. Everything on him has stayed the same except for him dropping 40 pounds which is admirable. And that alone came with a lot of pushing from me. Now, he finally wants it for himself which i'm very happy to see but hsi whole outlook on life and his goals has changed. I think you might have hit the nail on the head that the problem lies with me. I want an active partnet someone who will push me and motivate me to be better and hold me accountable. My husband loves me for me, whether i am 300 pounds or 100. He honestly is a wonderful husband and man. Yes, i complain that there is not enough romance and that he is not romantic enough and i will admit i want romance like it is in the movies....completely silly I know. He does try from time to time which I am thankful for. BUT, overall i guess i do feel now that I want someone who is on the same level as me as far as being fit and healthy goes but it makes it sounds like i am not happy with what he has achieved so far which is not the case. I am, i truly am. The whole being attracted and having thoughts about others is completely normal, or so i have been told and actually healthy for a relationship, or so i have been told? I would never cheat on my husband and he and i have both discussed before that if either ever wantd to, have the decency to say something to the other. Everything i want in a partner besides some silly, petty things is him. He is a stand up man, repesctful, level headed, responsible and a hard worker. He puts me first. I just cant help but wonder when things will get back on track in the bedroom for us and if they ever will. I guess I'm just not sure what to do next....and the thoughts i have make me feel so guilty even though they are just thoughts....


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I guess thoughts about other people are fine, depending on what you are referring too.

Thoughts about some random stranger who walks past you and you think looks hot, yeah, I'd agree that's fine. If it's someone in particular though, like a co-worker, then that's not nearly so fine.

I think you need to have a legitimate discussion with yourself first and figure out what you want and what you need in a relationship, then ask your husband to think up the same things. Put them on a list. Then have a discussion and share your lists and explain them. Be honest and non-judgemental.

Maybe there's something small that can have a huge impact on your relationship.


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## confusedstate (Jul 17, 2012)

Thank you for your advice and time. I'm willing to try whatever it takes and I appreciate your feedback from an outsider's perspective. It's very easy to be judgemental and I appreciate your honest opinion.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

confusedstate said:


> Thank you for your advice and time. I'm willing to try whatever it takes and I appreciate your feedback from an outsider's perspective. It's very easy to be judgemental and I appreciate your honest opinion.


Anytime. That's what this board is for. I hope you and your husband do well. If he's as willing to communicate as you seem to be, I'm sure that things will be just fine.

Communicate on every problem and be ethusiastic about approaching every possible solution.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

You seem to mention it a few times so I guess I will respond to it:

No matter what, his penis will not change. 

With that out of the way, I assume there isn't a position you could do before when you were both chubby that you CAN'T do now because he is chubby and you are not. I think losing weight went to your head and you have became THAT girl. Usually when a wife says, "Oh I want a breast job" the first thing a husband will say is, "No way, it will go straight to you head, you'll leave me because you'll think you are too good for me."

You are THAT girl. *sorry to the forum member that_girl who is truly that girl, but not THAT girl.

Congrats on the weight loss. Be proud of yourself, but don't project onto others, sometimes it comes off as super obnoxious and rude. Yay I lost weight, now everyone in the world should be skinny too!!!!!!! 

Remember when those type of attitudes pissed you off? Maybe he is proud the way he is. You may not be, but maybe he is.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Its tough when someone changes their life for the better and the other one doesn't. Could be drugs, alcohol or food. The truth is you bettered yourself and he didn't. In fact he fought you on it for years and it wasn't until you had one foot out the door that he decided to change. And even then he's doing it for the wrong reasons and you know it. You've grown apart and while that's sad that is your reality. It would be like me being an alcoholic married to an alcoholic. If I got sober and he didn't it would be incredibly difficult to stay together.

I'm not sure you can fix this on your own. Either your husband gets with the program or he gets left behind. I think it's totally fixable but it depends on how willing BOTH of you are willing to work hard at it.

I did the math. He's lost on average what 1.4 pounds per week? I think that's reasonable. At this rate how long before he loses down to a size that's acceptable to you?

I do agree the judgemental part of you could use some work. I see it in my sister. She lost weight and now judges everyone who isn't thin like her. She has no idea how ugly she comes across when she acts like that.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I don't agree with the statement "either he gets with the program or he gets left behind" Mavash.

Let's not forget here that he is essentially the same person he was when they got together and got married. She's the one who changed and while that's great for her, why should he be forced to change who he is because she chose to change who she is?


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## confusedstate (Jul 17, 2012)

@Aristotle- that's not how i feel at all. I dont judge others nor do i look down on them. I just want him to be happy so when he has made comments in the past about not being happy with himself or changing outfits 15 times because he doesn't like the way he looks, i'm going to take that as he is ready to make some changes and he has already. I'm just being honest and expressing my feelings here.

@Mavash- thanks for your feedback. I don't want to appear ugly to other because my outlook on life is different now. I see myself wanting to help people and trying to encourage them to do the same. At the time, when i was a lot heavier, i scoffed at thinner girls and made fun of them because i was envious and wanted to kise weight. I dont judge others, my husband or my friends who are heavy. If they want help, i give them help and try to encourage them, the same thing ive done with my husband. i just want him to be happy and more confident and i feel like our sex life could get back on track and he would be more confident in the bedroom and willing to take the reigns are try more things if he lost the weight. But, he is in the process of doing that. The point is that, he gets satisfcation whether he feels im into it or not, i on other hand have not for over a year. I'm just trying to figure out what the real problem is, and yes, it most likely me. With that said, can that be fixed, that's where I'm at right now.....


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> I don't agree with the statement "either he gets with the program or he gets left behind" Mavash.
> 
> Let's not forget here that he is essentially the same person he was when they got together and got married. She's the one who changed and while that's great for her, why should he be forced to change who he is because she chose to change who she is?


Nice theory but it doesn't work this way. When I changed my therapist said my husband was going to have to grow WITH me or this had the potential to end badly.

Nobody is forcing this guy to change. It's his choice. Go read up on sex rank by atholk. He advocates the man maintaining a sex rank equal to or higher than the woman's and the consequences of not doing so.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

confusedstate said:


> I'm just trying to figure out what the real problem is, and yes, it most likely me. With that said, can that be fixed, that's where I'm at right now.....


I don't think this is ALL you. What steps has he taken to make sure you enjoy sex? Anything?


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## confusedstate (Jul 17, 2012)

Well, i tell him i want to try other positions and want him to be more take charge and he just doesn't do it and i think because he has not been adventurous like that with anyone else. It's almost as if he is willing to lay there and just let me go at it so he doesn't have to put in any work. That's how i feel sometimes and so then i get upset and label him as lazy. He def tries to please me (oral etc...) ,it's just that I'm concentrating on it so much, i think it's not happening because of that. Maybe I just need to relax a little.....i don't know, i'm lost.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Nice theory but it doesn't work this way. When I changed my therapist said my husband was going to have to grow WITH me or this had the potential to end badly.
> 
> Nobody is forcing this guy to change. It's his choice. Go read up on sex rank by atholk. He advocates the man maintaining a sex rank equal to or higher than the woman's and the consequences of not doing so.


No, it doesn't work that way for YOU. 

Just like the other thread about what is normal in terms of sex in a relatiuonship, the same applies here. This is about what works for both of these people, so to advocate that she tell her husband to either get on the train or be left at the station is not only semi-selfish but also rather cold.

Additionally, I agree with maintaining an equal sex ranking, but neither sex, male nor female, should be told to maintain a higher rank for fear of consequences. Marriage is a partnership, one based on equality. To assert equality should not exist inside the bedroom is just wrong.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

confusedstate said:


> Well, i tell him i want to try other positions and want him to be more take charge and he just doesn't do it and i think because he has not been adventurous like that with anyone else. It's almost as if he is willing to lay there and just let me go at it so he doesn't have to put in any work. That's how i feel sometimes and so then i get upset and label him as lazy. He def tries to please me (oral etc...) ,it's just that I'm concentrating on it so much, i think it's not happening because of that. Maybe I just need to relax a little.....i don't know, i'm lost.


You aren't lost, you are trying to find out what will work and what won't. You've gained some insight from this thread, now apply it. Worst case scenario, you are back here in a few weeks/months back at square one, but you may have already found the key in this thread, you just haven't applied it yet.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> I don't think this is ALL you. What steps has he taken to make sure you enjoy sex? Anything?


So she went from great sex and lots of orgasms to dreading it, with the only change being she lost weight and he did not, and his technique is being called into question? 

What is he doing differently? Anything? Have you asked him for different things?


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> So she went from great sx and lots of orgasms to dreading it, with the only change being she lost weight and he did not, and his technique is being called into question?
> 
> What is heing doing differently? Anything?


Good point. Sounds more like confusedstate, 100+ lbs lighter, is looking at her husband in a different way. Maybe she sees other guys checking her out now. Her H better hit the gym and up his s*x rank, or this probably won't end well.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> So she went from great sex and lots of orgasms to dreading it, with the only change being she lost weight and he did not, and his technique is being called into question?
> 
> What is heing doing differently? Anything?


Back to my alcohol example. If we both drink I can easily have sex with the smell of booze around. If I quit drinking I may suddenly develop an aversion to it. I think this is the same thing. She's developed an aversion to a grossly overweight man because she's lost A LOT of weight.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> No, it doesn't work that way for YOU.
> 
> Just like the other thread about what is normal in terms of sex in a relatiuonship, the same applies here. This is about what works for both of these people, so to advocate that she tell her husband to either get on the train or be left at the station is not only semi-selfish but also rather cold.


Yes we are all different. Me personally I lose attraction for my husband when he gains more than 30 pounds (yes he's done this). I'm thin btw. I still love him but that belly is quite the turn off (all his extra weight seems to go there). As much as I wish it weren't true it just is. Does that make me cold? Probably. I'm not going to divorce him over it but sex isn't going to be much fun for me with him fat.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Back to my alcohol example. If we both drink I can easily have sex with the smell of booze around. If I quit drinking I may suddenly develop an aversion to it. I think this is the same thing. She's developed an aversion to a grossly overweight man because she's lost A LOT of weight.


And that would be her issue in this case. Alcoholism carries with it all the same problems that obesity does on a health issue, but it also is far worse as it can cause other problems that obesity doesn't, such as anger and abuse.

In the end, it is her who change who she was while the man remained the same. He hasn't done anything wrong, and in fact has gone her way a little bit by losing 40 pounds. Yet we are chastizing him for not getting on board her fitness bus?


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

kingsfan - I agree that it's rather cold, but it's also a harsh FN reality in a lot of cases. It would be better for the OP to tell her that she is losing attraction for him due to his weight vs. her just bottling it up, faking it, and then leaving or cheating on him with a slim dude.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Yes we are all different. Me personally I lose attraction for my husband when he gains more than 30 pounds (yes he's done this). I'm thin btw. I still love him but that belly is quite the turn off (all his extra weight seems to go there). As much as I wish it weren't true it just is. Does that make me cold? Probably. I'm not going to divorce him over it but sex isn't going to be much fun for me with him fat.


But this is different than the OP's issue. In your case, your husband gained weight and changed for the worse (physically) who is compared to the man you married. The OP's husband didn't. In fact, he actually lost weight.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

thunderstruck said:


> kingsfan - I agree that it's rather cold, but it's also a harsh FN reality in a lot of cases. It would be better for the OP to tell her that she is losing attraction for him due to his weight vs. her just bottling it up, faking it, and then leaving or cheating on him with a slim dude.


Completely agree. Communication is the key. It's ok to lose attraction, it happens in a lot of marriages actually. Talk to him about it and see what can be done, something I advocated in my first post in this thread. But to blame him is just wrong.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> In the end, it is her who change who she was while the man remained the same. He hasn't done anything wrong, and in fact has gone her way a little bit by losing 40 pounds. Yet we are chastizing him for not getting on board her fitness bus?


I've been told I'm blunt and cold but I do call it like I see it. She upped her sex rank and he sat by and fought her on changing his. She did communicate and he accused her of trying to 'change him'. And now he might end up paying a price for that choice he made.

I can't make the OP be attracted to her husband anymore and neither can she obviously. It is what it is. We can argue this all day but she just isn't into him now that she's lost weight. I wish it weren't true but it is. All the posting and counseling isn't going to change that.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> I've been told I'm blunt and cold but I do call it like I see it. She upped her sex rank and he sat by and fought her on changing his. She did communicate and he accused her of trying to 'change him'. And now he might end up paying a price for that choice he made.
> 
> I can't make the OP be attracted to her husband anymore and neither can she obviously. It is what it is. We can argue this all day but she just isn't into him now that she's lost weight. I wish it weren't true but it is. All the posting and counseling isn't going to change that.


I agree completely with this, but it is still her. We tell people on this board all the time that you can't change people, or expect them to change. She made her change and it affects her perception because he stayed the same. So that it on her, neither for bad nor for good. I am not judging it, only pointing it out because that was her decision. I suspect that she has resentment that he has not take the same journey with her.


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## confusedstate (Jul 17, 2012)

Hey all, 
I read over all of the comments posted and I see truth in what everyone is saying. My Husband has lost weight, 40 damn pounds and that is pretty great. So, for the life of me, i cannot understand why I am still not happy with that. I think it is because he hasn't been so gungho about it and i worry that he is only doing it to make me happy. I worry that he will put it back on one day and maybe get even heavier, then what? I understand how people perceive this as being cold and harsh, really I do. But something has to be said for me changing my life for the better and getting healthy and now wanting that in a partner. People change, we grow, we see the light and makes changes that change how we once were sometimes. Is it my fault that I did that while I was dating this man? He has even told me that I'm his motivation, he gloats about me to his friends and family and is so proud of me. Is it my fault that I wanted him to feel what I was feeling and living a new life free from the burden of being overweight? I dont know. The point is, is that I dont look at my husband and say "damn, he is so hot, i want to ravage him right now." I look at him and say " What a good man, i love him, i'm lucky." I remember past relationships where i did feel like that, so sexually aroused and wanting it all the time, now i rarely do. And we've talked about this before. I was in tears on Sunday and just basically told him, i dont have a drive to have sex.....please tell me it's going to get better. And for the sake of putting it all out there, what started this new rant is the fact that we couldnt have sex in the shower. I personally believe with a smaller size penis and a big stomach, there are certain positions you just cant do, they dont work and i just end up getting frustrated. And that to me is like telling me that i cant run a marathon because I'm over weight and out of shape and i'm not living life like that anymore. Weight is no longer my crutch. So with that said, we tried to have sex in the shower and it just wouldn't work, he couldnt even get it in. So he ended up just getting his rocks off and i'm sitting there thinking to myself...this sucks. Here I am, haven't had an O in over a year and again, i'm let down because we can't do a certain position in the shower. The only thing that goes through my brain is that his weight is holding us back from doing things, whether it be a certain position or an activity. It still sucks. I dont want to live life like that anymore. Does that make sense? It's not like he is obese either, unfortunately he just carries his weight in his belly and wasn't blessed with a average size member in my eyes. He is aware he is not big and has said it to me before.....i dont acknowldege it because i imagine how embarassing that might be for him but i still love him. I'm not going to leave him because he is small, but I need satisfaction too. The wieght he has lost hasn't really come from his belly either, maybe a little bit but not what either of us were hoping for. I just want to make our sex life better and without being cold and harsh how do I do that.....what if his belly never goes down, then what. Am i right in assuming that if you are a man with a smaller size member and you have a gut, there are teo things working against you and not every position is going to work? I'm tired of doggy, i'm tired of being on top etc.... Sheesh, i'm just at a loss. i want those feelings of being turned on and aroused to come back. i almost wish I didn;t love him so much, this wouldn't hurt me so bad to feel this way......


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

I feel for this guy...really do. He can say he's inspired by his W's weight loss, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he's going to get his azz in gear and drop the lbs. More likely, he'll start gaining more as the marriage slips away. 

My W and I somewhat went through this over the past few years. I worked hard to up my s*x rank. I hit the gym more, try to eat healthy, etc. I'm told that I look younger than my age. My W isn't overweight, but she doesn't take care of herself, so she generally looks/feels run down. No exercise and doesn't eat well. Some days her diet consists of only coffee and beer. I'm still attracted to her, but I'm guessing she can tell that I've gone up a notch or two on s*x rank. She makes up the difference with more s*x. Confused's hubby doesn't really have that option.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

thunderstruck said:


> Good point. Sounds more like confusedstate, 100+ lbs lighter, is looking at her husband in a different way. Maybe she sees other guys checking her out now. * Her H better hit the gym and up his s*x rank, or this probably won't end well.*



:iagree:

I want to agree with what both you and Mavash are saying.
Sometimes the truth is an inconvenient thing.
In the early years of our marriage,I was athletic built.
The sex was explosive and non stop. Mid to late 30's I let myself slip and due to stress etc, I began having mild
" performance issues " , and the sex dropped. Her response was mild.
Wife didn't really complain too loudly,and she was supportive._But the avarage woman has a mental image of the man she wants to ravage her body. _
So here's the rub. I noticed that she would be highly aroused after we looked at certain movies with certain type of actors, athletes etc......Then the " inconvenient truth " dawned on me my " sex rank" had dropped in her subconscious mind. I didn't even know about that term until years later,but I understood what it meant,because I was observant. I remedied it by getting myself back in shape , and I also got rid of the" performance issues." 
We are both now in our 40's and the sex has never been better ,
[ and wetter  ].
Human behaviour is complex.
Human sexuality is even more complex.


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

http://www.betterbodyjournal.com/fi...ight-loss-and-exercise-make-your-penis-bigger
Good article stating when an obese person loses weight the fat around their pelvic bone decreases enough for their penis to penetrate deeper. Good reason to loose weight if I ever heard one


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

confusedstate said:


> Hey all,
> I read over all of the comments posted and I see truth in what everyone is saying. My Husband has lost weight, 40 damn pounds and that is pretty great. So, for the life of me, i cannot understand why I am still not happy with that. I think it is because he hasn't been so gungho about it and i worry that he is only doing it to make me happy. I worry that he will put it back on one day and maybe get even heavier, then what? I understand how people perceive this as being cold and harsh, really I do. But something has to be said for me changing my life for the better and getting healthy and now wanting that in a partner. People change, we grow, we see the light and makes changes that change how we once were sometimes. Is it my fault that I did that while I was dating this man? He has even told me that I'm his motivation, he gloats about me to his friends and family and is so proud of me. Is it my fault that I wanted him to feel what I was feeling and living a new life free from the burden of being overweight? I dont know. The point is, is that I dont look at my husband and say "damn, he is so hot, i want to ravage him right now." I look at him and say " What a good man, i love him, i'm lucky." I remember past relationships where i did feel like that, so sexually aroused and wanting it all the time, now i rarely do. And we've talked about this before. I was in tears on Sunday and just basically told him, i dont have a drive to have sex.....please tell me it's going to get better. And for the sake of putting it all out there, what started this new rant is the fact that we couldnt have sex in the shower. I personally believe with a smaller size penis and a big stomach, there are certain positions you just cant do, they dont work and i just end up getting frustrated. And that to me is like telling me that i cant run a marathon because I'm over weight and out of shape and i'm not living life like that anymore. Weight is no longer my crutch. So with that said, we tried to have sex in the shower and it just wouldn't work, he couldnt even get it in. So he ended up just getting his rocks off and i'm sitting there thinking to myself...this sucks. Here I am, haven't had an O in over a year and again, i'm let down because we can't do a certain position in the shower. The only thing that goes through my brain is that his weight is holding us back from doing things, whether it be a certain position or an activity. It still sucks. I dont want to live life like that anymore. Does that make sense? It's not like he is obese either, unfortunately he just carries his weight in his belly and wasn't blessed with a average size member in my eyes. He is aware he is not big and has said it to me before.....i dont acknowldege it because i imagine how embarassing that might be for him but i still love him. I'm not going to leave him because he is small, but I need satisfaction too. The wieght he has lost hasn't really come from his belly either, maybe a little bit but not what either of us were hoping for. I just want to make our sex life better and without being cold and harsh how do I do that.....what if his belly never goes down, then what. Am i right in assuming that if you are a man with a smaller size member and you have a gut, there are teo things working against you and not every position is going to work? I'm tired of doggy, i'm tired of being on top etc.... Sheesh, i'm just at a loss. i want those feelings of being turned on and aroused to come back. i almost wish I didn;t love him so much, this wouldn't hurt me so bad to feel this way......


I think you are using his size and the shower positions to justify not being attracted to him because you are now the more attractive one. Those things did not matter when you were Oing all the time when you are both heavy.

I would suggest either IC for you or MC. Look into why you need him to be as gung-ho for this as you are. Also consider whether you look down on him for having been attracted to the old you. Not saying that is the case, but I see a whole host of potential issues that will not get sorted out here on a message board. If you have not made the decision to leave (and frankly it sounds like you might have already), then figure out if there is anything you can do to get that attraction back.


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## mupostori (May 20, 2012)

since he has a small size there are positions that will not work
weight loss or no weight loss . That beign the case you just have to restrict yourselves to positions that are suitable for his size and perfect those , unfortunately that's your fate . How is it like when he is on top


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## confusedstate (Jul 17, 2012)

@Aristotle- ouch. I guess without ever being in another's shoes it's hard to see how I feel and how I don't see myself as being shallow. When you completely change who you are, you change your thinking. You seem to forget the fact that my H gets his whenever he wants or needs it, i'm the one who doesn't get mine. but i do that for him because i love him and i know the problem lies with me in a lot of ways. I think i do need some counseling in dealing with my thoughts and to figure out what i have this block up and can't seem to get back to how things used to be before my weight loss. i can also see how some might view this as "shallow" i don't label myself a shallow person simply because I am trying to figure out why this happened and fix it rather than just give up on it, go find a George Clooney look a like and walk away. I'm not even thin persay, so it' not like i'm sitting around thinking i'm perfect. I'm far from it. I just want the sex back how it used to be. i want new positions, i want more penetration. If that's shallow, then im shallow i guess. Thanks for your input either way.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I went back and reread your OP. It's possible that you settled. You said yourself he wasn't as good as past lovers and that he was smaller than what you wanted. The sex might have been good because mentally you made it work because you wanted it too (with women I believe it's mostly mental). I totally get it. I've been in relationships like that before. Thankfully I got out before I married them. 

Shortly thereafter you began on a path of becomming a better person and THAT is when you had to face the fact that you settled. You know now you could do better and that is the fact that is haunting you. If this is the case even if he lost weight it won't work. He's still small and not as good as past lovers. KWIM?


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## confusedstate (Jul 17, 2012)

Yes, i know what you mean Mavash. I think you might be right.I would hate to think there's no way to improve it though. Then i really messed up. i want to fix it. i want that kind of passion with him.....other than sex which is a HUGE part, we are an amazing couple together.....


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Sex is the glue that holds a marriage together. If you don't have that you're in trouble.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

you have two options imo

wait it out and try marriage counseling

or 

just leave and divorce


i go around and it seems like i am a huge proponent of divorce and truth is i am. I see people divorce all the time who should of never married and ruin their lives. Its cruel to say but it becomes laughable when you start to realize how many people lack common sense i feel bad for people but at the same time i feel like if more people were less selfish and more in tune with reality and being a good person this could be avoided. 

I would hate for you or your husband to have an affair or your marriage to only get worse and more ugly and divorce years down the line. When you could end it now and save yourself of future pain

a marriage is not worth it if you do not have a consummate love and if you are not willing to work. If you are frustrated and at your ends than its best you just leave and stop trying because you have had enough.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

confusedstate said:


> @Aristotle- ouch. I guess without ever being in another's shoes it's hard to see how I feel and how I don't see myself as being shallow. When you completely change who you are, you change your thinking. You seem to forget the fact that my H gets his whenever he wants or needs it, i'm the one who doesn't get mine. but i do that for him because i love him and i know the problem lies with me in a lot of ways. I think i do need some counseling in dealing with my thoughts and to figure out what i have this block up and can't seem to get back to how things used to be before my weight loss. i can also see how some might view this as "shallow" i don't label myself a shallow person simply because I am trying to figure out why this happened and fix it rather than just give up on it, go find a George Clooney look a like and walk away. I'm not even thin persay, so it' not like i'm sitting around thinking i'm perfect. I'm far from it. I just want the sex back how it used to be. i want new positions, i want more penetration. If that's shallow, then im shallow i guess. Thanks for your input either way.


this is true

anyone trying to preach that you do not change to some degree is naive. 

He made some good points but i do have to agree with you that when you change your body a lot and get in great shape you change. Same thing happened to me but instead of losing lots of weight i lost a little than gained muscle and had good definition. I looked at my wife who had gained weight and i wanted her to be thinner but i still loved her i was not going to leave her but when you change you want to some degree your spouse to look as in shape or as good as you.

Here is the thing you are getting in shape and healthy so their is nothing wrong with that. Almost 40% of Americans are obese. 70% of people are overweight counting the obese! its an epidemic and obesity and being overweight by even 20 pounds or 15 is not healthy at all. It can also have negative psychological affects on the brain and from my experience i believe that to be true. What i did was i encouraged my wife to get in shape again and worked with her and she complied which was great. I do wonder what would of happened had she said to hell with getting in shape and if she continued to gain weight. Thankfully she did not and thankfully she was never big but if she was i would of still loved her but you still have those thoughts in the back of your head. 

the "i am in shape and healthy and so much more confident and good looking now"

and

"my spouse who i love is unhealthy and is what i used to be at which is when i was more insecure and not as confident, i want them to look great and be sexier and confident"

sorry to say but those thoughts occur.


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## Knoxvillekelly (Mar 17, 2012)

weight and attraction is both physical and mental. Also the difference between you and your partner's weight is important. The ability to control your weight is important. The belief that you and your partner are loosing weight in a responsible mannor.

We want to think that just control your diet and get more exercise is enough. It is in a perfect world with out kids, jobs, drama, etc

There are two new drugs that the FDA have approved this summer. Both show promis to help us that battle and do not have the luxury of the perfect options. Booth should be available to us soon. They do have side effects so make sure you understand them.

Belviq Informaiton
www.qsymia.ws

Also pay attention to their addictive qualities and risks to unborn children.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

funny how when the overweight person being discussed in a negative way is a woman how the cat claws come out, but in reverse it seems to be his problem.

i hate to say this, but starting at 300 and losing 110 (Congrats) still leaves you technically overweight. im not sure how much he weighs. i think you need to keep helping and encouraging him to lose weight along side of you and do not give up on him.


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## Knoxvillekelly (Mar 17, 2012)

I would never of thought it


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## Bafuna (Aug 13, 2012)

I think its unfair that you want this man to want what you want, its selfish. Has it ever occurred to you that he may have married you because of who you were including your weight. To be fair I think he should be the one complaining because you are not the woman he married. When you married him was losing weight part of the conditions for loving each other, if not then you just don't love him anymore, he's done nothing wrong, you've done nothing wrong, but it happens, thats life.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Confusedstate....I have read through your thread and many of the resplies. I just have a hard time believing that your sole attraction to your husband is based on his weight....really? There are some really beautiful people out there that are the ugliest people on the inside I have ever seen and some people who are plain Jane but truely beautiful on the inside....I'll take the plain Jane any day of the week. 

I have been married to my hubby for 31 yrs he is a yo yo dieter. ..at 6'3 his weight can vary from 280 lbs to 180lbs he is a beautiful man inside and out to me whether he is body building or being a couch potatoe. I want him to be happy and healthy those are the goals I work towards with him...other than that I love him and am attracted to who he is on the inside....the outside is just the wrapping. With age the wrapping will constantly change on all of us ....so don't get so attached to it...what's really importantant is what is on the inside.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

confusedstate said:


> Hey all,
> I read over all of the comments posted and I see truth in what everyone is saying. My Husband has lost weight, 40 damn pounds and that is pretty great. So, for the life of me, i cannot understand why I am still not happy with that. I think it is because he hasn't been so gungho about it and i worry that he is only doing it to make me happy. I worry that he will put it back on one day and maybe get even heavier, then what? I understand how people perceive this as being cold and harsh, really I do. But something has to be said for me changing my life for the better and getting healthy and now wanting that in a partner. People change, we grow, we see the light and makes changes that change how we once were sometimes. Is it my fault that I did that while I was dating this man? He has even told me that I'm his motivation, he gloats about me to his friends and family and is so proud of me. Is it my fault that I wanted him to feel what I was feeling and living a new life free from the burden of being overweight? I dont know. The point is, is that I dont look at my husband and say "damn, he is so hot, i want to ravage him right now." I look at him and say " What a good man, i love him, i'm lucky." I remember past relationships where i did feel like that, so sexually aroused and wanting it all the time, now i rarely do. And we've talked about this before. I was in tears on Sunday and just basically told him, i dont have a drive to have sex.....please tell me it's going to get better. And for the sake of putting it all out there, what started this new rant is the fact that we couldnt have sex in the shower. I personally believe with a smaller size penis and a big stomach, there are certain positions you just cant do, they dont work and i just end up getting frustrated. And that to me is like telling me that i cant run a marathon because I'm over weight and out of shape and i'm not living life like that anymore. Weight is no longer my crutch. So with that said, we tried to have sex in the shower and it just wouldn't work, he couldnt even get it in. So he ended up just getting his rocks off and i'm sitting there thinking to myself...this sucks. Here I am, haven't had an O in over a year and again, i'm let down because we can't do a certain position in the shower. The only thing that goes through my brain is that his weight is holding us back from doing things, whether it be a certain position or an activity. It still sucks. I dont want to live life like that anymore. Does that make sense? It's not like he is obese either, unfortunately he just carries his weight in his belly and wasn't blessed with a average size member in my eyes. He is aware he is not big and has said it to me before.....i dont acknowldege it because i imagine how embarassing that might be for him but i still love him. I'm not going to leave him because he is small, but I need satisfaction too. The wieght he has lost hasn't really come from his belly either, maybe a little bit but not what either of us were hoping for. I just want to make our sex life better and without being cold and harsh how do I do that.....what if his belly never goes down, then what. Am i right in assuming that if you are a man with a smaller size member and you have a gut, there are teo things working against you and not every position is going to work? I'm tired of doggy, i'm tired of being on top etc.... Sheesh, i'm just at a loss. i want those feelings of being turned on and aroused to come back. i almost wish I didn;t love him so much, this wouldn't hurt me so bad to feel this way......


Confused - how many sexual positions do you need to make you happy? And why so impatient with his weight loss (that will help to add more pie positions to the repertoire....agree)?

Your story is just not adding up for me. You were quite heavy, he was too, with a small penis...but the sex was very good. O AFTER O AFTER O for you. You lose 110 lbs and he loses 40.....but now you can barely feel anything, cannot O at all and your very frustrated at the limited positions for pic sex....only 2. Whatever is going on is inside your head. MC is a must if you want to work through this.

How loose is your vagina? Could you tighten it any to make penetration more pleasurable? Exercises? How about your weight? Could you drop another 70 say? Then he might be able to pick you up......maybe that could add some more variety to PIV


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