# My wife and I



## Douglas Zelkowski (Jun 9, 2012)

Hi, my wife and I have been married for 6 years 11 months and 29 days. It is close to 7 years. We have 3 beautiful sons ages 5,3 and 1. My wife and I meet while we were in the military and only knew eachother for 4 months prior to marriage. We have always fought and never truly had any real click i guess is the word. About four months into our marriage I started a down slide which had followed me until last year. In those years I emotionally cheated on my wife 5 times in as many years. I told people i believed she had cheated on me and my children were not mine. I lied about her actions alot. I was a very angry person, I could switch like a light and just start yelling and then blank i would shut her out. She told me many times she wanted a divorce but she never filed or anything and we kept having kids. At one point we had only had sex twice in 18 months and wham she got pregnant with my second son. I was angry because i felt she was only using me to become pregnant. 38 days ago she came to me and said i was a bad father and husband and my children were afraid of me. She wanted out. I had never herd I was a bad father before...... This time a light switch flipped and emmotions i had never felt before came to me. I felt alive, ashamed and scared. I did not want to lose her. I asked her for three months to prove i could change she agreed. But she didnt see she had a FRIEND (WHom i dont believe was just a friend) But that truly doesnt matter. She went away on business and didnt call nor let me know she was ok and after 4 hrs i called the police in the areas where she could be to ensure her safety. She was found in a motel with another man. She admited to having sex with him, Which hurt alot because she never really wanted sex with me at all. Then a few days after she was still texting him.. After this she told me she has no feeling and she is depressed and she doesnt love me.. so i have been doing all that i can. to show her i changed.. I now Clean, cook, take care of kids, even so far as to do her homework so she can rest. she doesnt believe i can change and she thinks i am just trapping her. I am so much in love with her now though and i want to help her.. My main question is can someone regain LOVE.. how can I help my spouse with this..... Anything would be greatly used. thanks


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Douglas Zelkowski said:


> I now Clean, cook, take care of kids, even so far as to do her homework so she can rest.


She cheated and you're gifting her, do you see anything wrong with this?


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## Douglas Zelkowski (Jun 9, 2012)

No I dont.... I also dont feel its a gift to for the first time treat her like she deserved the entire time we were married..... i love her and i hope for OUR sake the little im doing will pay off...


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Ok then buy her flowers everyday till you feel she loves you. Girls love flowers.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

SNORF. I was wondering what you were gonna do with that one, Keko


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

DZ it my observation that once a woman loses interest in you, you'll never get it back. She lost interest long before the affair. One way or the other, your history.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

3 months can't overturn years of emotional abuse/cheating. I think your wife checked out a long time ago and it's a classic case of you don't know what you have till you lose it. What incentive does your wife have to reconcile?


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

I think you're right about the kid not being yours. She may have had sex with you because the guy she was F#%ing may have ejaculated inside of her and she feared she may get pregnant. So to solve that disaster, she had sex with you so the times would match.

Sorry


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Douglas Zelkowski said:


> Hi, my wife and I have been married for *6 years 11 months and 29 days*.


DZ, unless you are extremely OCD, you make it sound like you're counting down the days until you get out of prison. My god, you're just one day away from being married seven years but you list the years, months, and days. 

I agree with Complexity. She's probably been checked out for quite awhile. And if you're truthful, you'll probably realize that you have been also.

By the way, cleaning and cooking and doing all those other chores won't get her to stay with you. Trust me. I know. I calculated that over the years I cleaned the house for a total of over 3800 hours. My ex left me anyway.

Good luck.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

I see the concern about the lack of sex then bam the second son but whats the story about the third son (1 yr old)?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

ShootMePlz! said:


> I see the concern about the lack of sex then bam the second son but whats the story about the third son (1 yr old)?


3 kids from 3 different fathers?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

Douglas Zelkowski said:


> No I dont.... I also dont feel its a gift to for the first time treat her like she deserved the entire time we were married..... i love her and i hope for OUR sake the little im doing will pay off...


Douglas, the folks posting in this thread are being a bit sarcastic, but the point is, she cheated on you, and you are _rewarding_ her for her infidelity.

There's a popular saying on these message boards that goes something like:

"A betrayed spouse is responsible for 50% of a marriage's problems. A Cheating spouse is 100% responsible for having an affair."

Nothing - _*nothing*_ you could have done prior to her infidelity, justifies her infidelity. *Period*. Do _not_ argue this fact. Not even infidelity on your part - as they say, two wrongs do _not_ make a right.

If she had a problem with you and the marriage, she could have talked about it with you. She could have divorced you. She _didn't_. She took the cowards way out and found what she wanted in a relationship from another man. She _chose_ to have an affair with this person, rather than work on the marriage with you.

She never divorced you because her marriage to you has given her _security_. She had a home she can come back to. So she can have as many affairs as she wants (and I promise you, she has been having an affair, if not multiple affairs, for a _long_ time), and still come home to a "loving and caring" husband. 

You are, in essence, her babysitter and housecleaner. You're her caretaker. You are _not_ her husband. She doesn't see you as her husband - she is not attracted to you, nor does she love you. And you will never gain her love, because you do not have her _respect_.

You do not have her respect because, rather than giving her _consequences_ for her infidelity, you have rewarded her with more security and comfort. 

Douglas, I agree that you need to work on creating a safe and comfortable environment to work on the marriage. But you cannot work on a marriage that she does not want to be a part of. What you need to do (and I'm sure you don't want to hear this) is divorce her. Go to individual counseling. Work on your own personal problems. Take care of your house. Protect and provide for your children. Do what ever it takes to make yourself a better person. But _divorce your wife_. You need to establish that infidelity will not be tolerated, _period_. By standing up for yourself, you may very well earn her respect. And, after the divorce, she may want to repair things between you, and that's fine. She may not want to, and that's also fine. 

But work on yourself first. The first step is separating from her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Marriage counselling might help.


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## Douglas Zelkowski (Jun 9, 2012)

Well first let me address.. It is evident that the kids are mine.... They are spitting image and they all look alike also... Second i dont believe she was unfaithful until now.... I belive i drove her away with my lazyness and this is why she left. I am hoping thats the case anyway....Third i dont believe this is a case of lost then loved.... it could be but i doubt it........ fourth... I dont want a divorce.. Now i know most people take that route but i dont believe that is the way i want to travel.... I want this marriage to work.. I want this to be as happy as it was the day we married.... we were married fast and i think we never connected they way a couple should... So please if you want to help give me sound advise.... Also to answer the sex question my wife was assualted prior to us getting married and so sex was never a huge thing and right after our first child i started EC on her so i wasnt shocked we only had sex twice in 18 months... When i look back on the hurt i caused her it topples the hurt i was caused... She did tell me she doesnt love me but today she did tell me that she has seen improvement... I mean who would want to come home from work and see their spouse just playing video games and the first question they ask is whens dinner im hungry,..... That was me for 5 years,,,,,,,,, daily...


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

D. you may not want to face this, but you have opened a WHOLE can of worms. Before you go all " oh I did so wrong ", and start wiping her feet. You better make sure the kids are yours. She may have been getting back at you all those years by cheating all along. And don't tell us you would have known. This one just may have been new and she was too excited to check in with you. But was more careful in the past.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Hey if you said it I believe it.


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## Douglas Zelkowski (Jun 9, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> D. you may not want to face this, but you have opened a WHOLE can of worms. Before you go all " oh I did so wrong ", and start wiping her feet. You better make sure the kids are yours. She may have been getting back at you all those years by cheating all along. And don't tell us you would have known. This one just may have been new and she was too excited to check in with you. But was more careful in the past.


Well. Even if the chance of the kids not being mine could be there which I dont believe but that wouldn't change the fact that they are mine. I love all three and that could never change. But again I don't believe they are someone else's.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

You did drive her away. The likelihood of getting her back is about nil.

I wouldn't ignore the advice of the previous posters. They seem right to me. I dont think this is salvageable.

You hurt her and she hurt you. You hurt her because you were selfish, she hurt you because she doesn't want you anymore. The first is fixable, the second is not.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

OP.

She is gone. Long ago.

Work on yourself. You needed counseling before your marriage.


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## Antigen (Apr 9, 2012)

Douglas Zelkowski said:


> how can I help my spouse with this..... Anything would be greatly used. thanks


You can't. 

She's gotta figure it out for herself.

It doesn't sound like her future plans are going to include you.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

DZ,

Sinnister is right.

Your wife was wrong to cheat but you drove her away.

If you really love this woman you two will sit down and figure out what you both want from your relationship.

Set a time limit on you getting your act together,

If she won't agree to sticking with you no matter what you do then it is time to dissolve the marriage amicably.

This is a tough situation because of the years of neglect and abuse to her, your kids and the marriage.

The A is all on her. She should have had the balls to walk away from you and take the kids with her.

*If you really want to show her the new and improved you, offer her an amicable split. Tell her the new and improved you does not want a woman to stay with him if she no longer can love him.*

Try those balls on for size DZ......

HM64


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