# Convincing wife that I still love her even though I cheated



## jgomez (Jul 19, 2012)

I am having a major problem here. I have been married for 3 years and me and my wife has 2 daughters together. We are both 25 and only months apart in age. I also have a best friend who I will call Greg. Me and Greg have been close since high school and he is engaged. His fiance cannot have children so of course, he doesn't have kids. He is supposed to get married next April and I will be the best man.

Me and Greg can be described as best friends. We shared a dorm for 2 years in college and we have a lot of things in common. I would say that I am more sexual than him. His fiance is very religious so according to him, she is not comfortable with doing kinky things in the bedroom. She also does not give him oral sex because she says it is degrading. Greg has decided to stay with her because he loves her for so many other reasons. 

In regards to my own marriage, the sex has diminished since we got married. My wife used to give me oral sex all the time but the frequency got less and less. I started to press her about it and one day, she snapped. She told me that she never enjoyed doing it and that she doesn't want to do it anymore. This hurt me because I felt I was conned. The sex was good when we got married and I was under the impression that she would always give me bjs. I should have tried to find the cause of her stopping this but it's too late for that now.

Me and Greg used to casually talk about our sex lives but one day at the pool, I told him how upset she made me. I told him how it wasn't fair that she wouldn't give me this anymore and how she would probably feel if I withheld giving oral to her. Greg was concerned and had the idea that maybe we should satisfy each other. I thought he was kidding but he was dead serious. Once he explained himself, it made sense. We are young men in our twenties with women that we love. We cannot leave them over this but that doesn't mean we shouldn't be happy. I agree that Greg doesn't sleep around and he feels the same about me. We are both heterosexual men also. 

I decided to give his plan a try and I admit that we both got addicted. We would get together at different times and give each other what we wanted. We never had sex, we only satisfied each other orally. It would be to the point that we would meet up at lunch to satisfy each other in the car. Again, we never had sex and we are both happy in our relationships. We just have a bond that we acted on and that I now regret.

Apparently, Greg's fiance has suspected him of meeting up with his ex. She is somewhat insecure even though he is a good guy and I know he hasn't seen his ex in months. His fiance hired a PI and she found out about our arrangement. The PI took pictures of us both committing the same act over a period of 4 days. His fiance made copies of the pictures and gave them to my wife. I'm sure you know what happened next.

Now my wife wants a divorce. She says i'm dirty, gay, and a liar. I tried to explain our arrangement but she doesn't understand or want to listen. I told her that if she would have kept giving me what I wanted, this would never had happened. She is willing to give up everything we built because of this. To make matters worse, Greg's fiance has called off the wedding and doesn't want to see him. It hurts me because he was so happy with her and I feel that I was the cause of this. 

What should I do? I want to fix my marriage and be back with my wife. I would also like to be in my daughters wife. I never thought I would get caught but it's too late for that now. Also, what can I do for Greg to save his wedding? I told my wife that it was my idea although it was really his. I thought at the time that he would benefit from my lying and be able to save his wedding. Apparently, that didn't work as she still wants to leave him. Please I hope someone has experience with this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Good grief, is your name Bill Clinton? Of course you had sex with Greg, what do you think BJ’s are? They are sex. Do you know the definition of “is”?

There is nothing you can do to help Greg save his wedding. For one thing if his relationship with his fiancé were to be saved, he could never even talk to you again. You are his affair partner. Greg has ruined his relationship with his fiancé. From the tiny bit I now know of her I doubt she would ever marry him. He’s toast.

You are not in a much better place. You cheated on your wife. Most women do not want to be involved with a gay man. How does she know if you are gay or not? The fact is that you cheated on her. So you are a liar. Now you want her to believe you when you say that you are not gay? Why should she believe you? I’m sure that she is very concerned that you are gay and thus she can never really satisfy you. Or you are bi and again she can never totally stratify you.

I’m not even sure I believe your story that two 25 year old heterosexual men just had this great idea one day to give each other BJ’s. Don’t buy it. There have been quite a few women who come after finding out that their husbands have been hooking up with men for casual bj’s. It’s a dangerous thing to do with a very high risk for STDs. 

Most marriages do not survive infidelity. 
The only thing you can do is to give your wife time and see if she starts to want to think about recovering your marriage. You could never see or talk to Greg again; he is your affair partner. You have to go no contact with him NOW if you are ever going to recover your marriage.

So what can you do to make your wife feel safe, now that you have destroyed her?


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## jgomez (Jul 19, 2012)

I don't want to seem naive but I actually didn't realized that bjs are actually sex. I understand how this could have hurt her but I cant forget that she put me in this in the first place. She is not willing to accept any of the responsibility on this. Furthermore, I trust Greg enough that I wouldn't expect to get a STD from him. He told me that he feels the same. The issue we have is that they believe we are gay or bi but we are neither. I could give her time but that would kill me everyday having to wonder if she will leave or stay. Greg is my best friend so I can do contact with him if she wants. I do not want to lose him as a friend but I guess I may have to if it is necessary.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jgomez said:


> I don't want to seem naive but I actually didn't realized that bjs are actually sex.


Oh come on. And you claim to have gone to college. I have son’s your age… they know that bj’s are sex.



jgomez said:


> I understand how this could have hurt her but I cant forget that she put me in this in the first place. She is not willing to accept any of the responsibility on this.


She has no responsibility for you choosing to cheat on her. That is 100% on YOU. You are the one who made a conscious choice to go outside of your marriage for sex. If you think that BJ’s are the most important part of your marriage, then divorce her.

Further no woman is obligated to give her husband BJ’s. Just because women in porn flicks act like it’s required it’s not. It’s only been in the last couple of decades with porn being so available on the internet that some men have come to think that women owe them BJ’s. Some women do not enjoy giving them. 

(And I’m saying this as a woman who really enjoys giving them when I’m in a relationship where there is a lot of good give and take.)

The fact that you cheated with a man because you feel so entitled to bj's makes me wonder if your attitude towards them is what turned her off to giving bj's. Before she stopped (or reduced) the amount of bj's she gave... what % of your sex with her consisted of bj's? Did you demand them? Push her to give them?

Take some responsibility for what you did wrong. Infidelity is probably the most painful thing you could have done to hurt your wife. She may never recover from this emotionally. It takes about 2-5 years for a betrayed spouse to start to get their emotional health back.



jgomez said:


> Furthermore, I trust Greg enough that I wouldn't expect to get a STD from him.


Who cares if you trust Greg. Your wife does not trust him enough to know that nor do you really. You do not have the right to endanger your wife’s health by exposing her to you having sex with other people. The fact is that none of us know 100% about another person. Your wife thought she knew you well enough to trust you.. opps. That was foolish of her wasn’t it?


jgomez said:


> He told me that he feels the same.


Again who cares what Greg said? According to your story, he suggested that he give you oral sex, right? He’s probably been doing other guys for a long time. It’s probably why he, a guy who cannot live without bj’s, agreed to marry a woman who will not give them… because he knew he’d be getting them on the side.


jgomez said:


> The issue we have is that they believe we are gay or bi but we are neither.


That’s your issue. Here’s an idea.. if you are not gay or bi, do not have sex with other men. Why did you have sex with Greg if you are not at least bi? You are bi. 


jgomez said:


> I could give her time but that would kill me everyday having to wonder if she will leave or stay.


You have 2 choices here. 

1) Leave her now on your own accord. You and Greg could now walk off into the sunset and get all the bj’s you want from each other… just think of it. And no one would care.

2) Give her time. It’s her choice on whether or not she wants to stay married to you. Sounds like she does not. Most marriages break up over infidelity. You chose to be unfaithful so you broke the marriage. She now gets to take as long as she needs... even months to decide if she wants to remain married to you and work on the marriage.



jgomez said:


> Greg is my best friend so I can do contact with him if she wants. I do not want to lose him as a friend but I guess I may have to if it is necessary.


The first step in getting her back is not end all contact with him …. Forever.


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## jgomez (Jul 19, 2012)

Maybe I am naive but it's just my interpretation of sex is actual intercourse. I considered bjs to be similar to foreplay or something recreational. If I understood how much this meant to her, I wouldn't have did it in the first place.

I know that I was wrong but I still can't help to think that at least a small bit of the blame is on her. Even you stated that you like to give bjs under certain circumstances. If you had a longtime partner and you one day just decided that you didn't want to give them anymore, would you really blame him if he sought to get them elsewhere? Part of the reason this upsets me is the fact that she said that it is something that she never liked. Basically, she never wanted to do it but did it only to make me happy and maybe to seem cool. Once she got comfortable in our marriage, she thought it would be ok to stop.

In regards to before, it was once a automatic thing. I would go down on her and she would do it to me without asking. It later drifted to my having to urge her or ask her to do it. Then came the excuses: my touch hurts or I have a cold sore in my moth. She made these little excuses to get out of it. I'm not trying to justify my actions but I'm just trying to prove how I felt cornered and decided to make a poor choice. I'm not proud of this but I'm still human after all.

Me and Greg are comfortable enough with each other to break off our friendship since we know how much it could ruin our lives. It's just our lives were so combined to begin with that it would be hard to break off. His wife would sometimes watch our kids while me and him went out. Heck, I was supposed to be the best man in his wedding.

As far as my sexuality is concerned, I am definitely straight. I have never thought about doing anything else with him outside of what we have already done. I simply looked at this as an arrangement to please each other and fill the voids in each others lives. We had no intention of running off and being together. This is the same thing as lending money or helping a friend move. We both saw something that each other needed so we tried to step up and take that role.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jgomez said:


> Maybe I am naive but it's just my interpretation of sex is actual intercourse. I considered bjs to be similar to foreplay or something recreational. If I understood how much this meant to her, I wouldn't have did it in the first place.


Would you be ok with your wife giving other men bj’s? Would you be ok with other men giving her oral? It’s all sex. It’s not recreational. 


jgomez said:


> I know that I was wrong but I still can't help to think that at least a small bit of the blame is on her. Even you stated that you like to give bjs under certain circumstances. If you had a longtime partner and you one day just decided that you didn't want to give them anymore, would you really blame him if he sought to get them elsewhere? Part of the reason this upsets me is the fact that she said that it is something that she never liked. Basically, she never wanted to do it but did it only to make me happy and maybe to seem cool. Once she got comfortable in our marriage, she thought it would be ok to stop.


Look, I know what it’s like to have a spouse without sex. I’m high sex drive. My husband and I had a very good sex life for several years. Then one day he just stopped having sex at all. He would not talk about it. We had 3 children (his 2 and my 1) in high school. Once the kids were out of school I divorced him. Sex is important.

I understand that you are upset because you feel deceived by her. And I do not believe that she never enjoyed giving them and just did it to be cool or to get you. Women say things like that when they are feeling unloved. .. they forget what made them so crazy in the sex department when the relationship was new. Your relationship his broken. It’s not 100% her fault. The problems in your relationship are 50% her faults and 50% your fault. 

But your choice to get bj’s outside of your marriage is 100% your fault. And the damage you caused your marriage by doing this is 100% your fault.

There were other ways to handle the problems in your sex life and the rest of your marriage. But you chose to not get the help the two of you needed. Instead you chose to cheat.



jgomez said:


> In regards to before, it was once a automatic thing. I would go down on her and she would do it to me without asking. It later drifted to my having to urge her or ask her to do it. Then came the excuses: my touch hurts or I have a cold sore in my moth. She made these little excuses to get out of it. I'm not trying to justify my actions but I'm just trying to prove how I felt cornered and decided to make a poor choice. I'm not proud of this but I'm still human after all.


She is human as well. How much concern did you have for her and for what might be leading to her feeling like she no longer wanted to give bj’s. Something changed in your sex life or in the rest of your relationship that made her pull back. You see it as her being selfish. I’ll bet that it was more her feeling like her needs were not being met so she started to pull back emotionally.. and thus sexually.

There is a very good quote… “Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” When a woman starts to feel that her man is taking her for granted, that her he’s not romancing her or treating her special she pulls back sexually. The first thing to go will be oral sex. 

For the last two years, what is the average amount of time you and your wife spend together doing date-like things together, just the 2 of you… things like going for a walk and holding hands, snuggling and talking, going out together (not to a movie)… things where you talk to each other and are close?


jgomez said:


> Me and Greg are comfortable enough with each other to break off our friendship since we know how much it could ruin our lives.


That’s an odd thing to say.. comfortable enough to break off your friendship? Usually it’s easier to break off a friendship with someone that you do not care about.


jgomez said:


> It's just our lives were so combined to begin with that it would be hard to break off. His wife would sometimes watch our kids while me and him went out.


You have no choice if you want our marriage to survive. The two of you have destroyed so much.


jgomez said:


> Heck, I was supposed to be the best man in his wedding.


Well.. there is no wedding now is there?



jgomez said:


> As far as my sexuality is concerned, I am definitely straight. I have never thought about doing anything else with him outside of what we have already done. I simply looked at this as an arrangement to please each other and fill the voids in each others lives. We had no intention of running off and being together. This is the same thing as lending money or helping a friend move. We both saw something that each other needed so we tried to step up and take that role.


If you need bj’s to this point then your “need” for bj’s is way out of whack. It’s the same kind of thing that guys who go to parks to get bj’s from random guys say. And guys who go to sex shops and get bj’s in the back room from random guys say it as well. A lot of those guys say that they are heterosexual.

You really do need to see an individual counselor about this. Explore the idea that you might be heading down the road to what is called a sexual addiction. The need for a particular sexual behavior to the point that it interferes with your life. Your need for bj’s has destroyed your family. It definitely is interfering with your life.

One of the reasons that guys who do this often end up getting it from other men is that it’s just easier to find men who want to engage in risky sex activities then it is to find women who will.

You seem very concerned about being labeled bi or gay. I think that you actually are doubting yourself now.

You really do need to go see an individual counselor.


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## jgomez (Jul 19, 2012)

I will see a counselor as well as urge my wife to see one. I would like to see one together to hopefully reconcile. I do realize that I hurt her so I am really not expecting to change her mind although I hope I can.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> Now my wife wants a divorce. She says i'm dirty, gay, and a liar.


I don't know your hygiene habits, but your wife was right at least in the last two accusations. 

You're a liar because you made vows and you broke them. And don't you give that "i didn't know BJs are sex" crap. This is post Bill Clinton now. Everybody know what went down and the discussions in the media all pointed to one outcome. Are you telling me you are not aware of that? Heck, i'm portuguese and i'm aware, how can you not be?

And about not being gay... :rofl:

Sorry man, but no straight guy would find it normal and dandy to be offered oral sex from another guy and then actually do it. You have issues regarding your sexuality identification. You must have had the hots for that Greg guy for years. You were just in the closet. 

Nothing wrong there except you made a woman suffer when she didn't really deserved it. There were tens of ways to get your wife to act hotter in bed, but instead of doing your homework and research a bit for it you promptly accepted sexual gratification from another guy.

You must in denial or something.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Dude. Oral sex is sex. It's even right there in the name. Oral *sex*! 

Oh, and you had sex with your same-sex best friend. You've pretty much lost any legitimate claim to being "definitely straight". 

My guess? You and your wife were probably both feeling like your needs weren't being met. Your wife detached emotionally, which led her to feel less sexual with you. At first you lashed out at her with anger and pressuring, probably a little sulking as well. That turned her off even more. But you weren't about to let a little thing like your vows, or, hey, even consideration of how your actions might effect others, stop you from getting what you wanted. The fact that you are still blaming your cheating on your wife points to a huge sense of entitlement as well as a deep level of immaturity and selfishness. You screwed up. Huge. Whining that you'd never have done what you did if she wasn't mean to you first just makes you sound like a spoiled child who's gotten in trouble and is now throwing a tantrum. 

Stop blaming your wife, and Greg, and his fiance, and any and everyone else. Take some responsibility for your own actions! There were lots of things you could have done to constructively address the sexual disconnect in your marriage. But you didn't opt for any of those. Instead, you chose to cheat. The state of the marriage was 50% on her and 50% on you. Deciding to cheat on her, well, that's _all_ on you.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

jgomez said:


> I don't want to seem naive but I actually didn't realized that bjs are actually sex. I understand how this could have hurt her but I cant forget that she put me in this in the first place. She is not willing to accept any of the responsibility on this. Furthermore, I trust Greg enough that I wouldn't expect to get a STD from him. He told me that he feels the same. The issue we have is that they believe we are gay or bi but we are neither. I could give her time but that would kill me everyday having to wonder if she will leave or stay. Greg is my best friend so I can do contact with him if she wants. I do not want to lose him as a friend but I guess I may have to if it is necessary.


Yes, Jgomez, a Blow job is having sex. You gotta' know that?

A blow job is also cheating. 

Kissing is cheating and so is having an emotional affair in which you share intimate details of your life with a person of the opposite sex.

BTW: Demanding that your wife give you BJs is the least likely way to get one. A little romance might be more productive, or a request of mentioning how much you liked them and now miss them in a non threatening way. 

Also you need to ditch this boyfriend. It's him or her time. If you want him, set her free.

Just sayin'


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Give her what she wants - a divorce.

Game over.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You gotta be kidding! Dude not only are bj's sex, but you are both clearly bi . 100% Straight guys just don't go there. Not once. Not ever.

This actually read like a story and not real as no one at 25 with kids is this naive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jgomez (Jul 19, 2012)

Instead of starting a new thread, I wanted to post back and say that everything worked out in our relationship. My wife was able to finally come around and we got counseling. As far as Greg is concerned, he didn't get married. His fiance ultimately called it off for what we were doing as well as other things. We are still best friends but we don't cross that line anymore. I just wanted to post this that even the most outrageous situations can be fixed with therapy and time.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Just out of curiosity---do you now follow your boundaries

If your wife says no to something---do you listen???????


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

jgomez said:


> My wife was able to finally come around and we got counseling. As far as Greg is concerned, he didn't get married.


Was it the kids that saved your marriage?


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## jgomez (Jul 19, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Just out of curiosity---do you now follow your boundaries
> 
> If your wife says no to something---do you listen???????





Will_Kane said:


> Was it the kids that saved your marriage?


Yes I listen to her more and I now try to tell her how I feel and what I need rather than try to figure out everything on my own. It's really easier that way. Also, the kids were a big part of saving our marriage. My wife still had feelings for me but it just took her time to come around.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

jgomez said:


> I don't want to seem naive but I actually didn't realized that bjs are actually sex. I understand how this could have hurt her but I cant forget that she put me in this in the first place. She is not willing to accept any of the responsibility on this. Furthermore, I trust Greg enough that I wouldn't expect to get a STD from him. He told me that he feels the same. The issue we have is that they believe we are gay or bi but we are neither. I could give her time but that would kill me everyday having to wonder if she will leave or stay. Greg is my best friend so I can do contact with him if she wants. I do not want to lose him as a friend but I guess I may have to if it is necessary.



Umm yeah trust is all you need to prevent an STD (heavy sarcasm). You placed a target on your naive forehead with these comments. Yes, BJ's are sex very intimate sex. Getting aroused for/with another guy...BI or Gay. 

You need to reevaluate some things. If BJ's are that important and she won't go there. You are with the wrong "person". I'm not going to assign gender because you've shown either will do it for you. Wake up. Own who you are, and your poor choices and calling yourself "naive" is not an excuse for cheating flat out by the most liberal standards.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

jgomez said:


> Instead of starting a new thread, I wanted to post back and say that everything worked out in our relationship. My wife was able to finally come around and we got counseling. As far as Greg is concerned, he didn't get married. His fiance ultimately called it off for what we were doing as well as other things. We are still best friends but we don't cross that line anymore. I just wanted to post this that even the most outrageous situations can be fixed with therapy and time.



Well, be vigilant. This is not something a wife would forget. She be triggering at times throughout the rest of her life. One day she may say "fvck it all".


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