# Its Over - I caught her



## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

I really should have listened to my gut.

After almost 3 months of agonizing and trying to better myself. I busted her, and it was ugly.

I went to visit her mother who's in the hospital slowly dying on cancer. Had a good talk with her and my wifes sister. They shared similar thoughts as I did. and were very hopeful we would get back together.

Boy, that sure didnt last long.

I stopped by the house to say good night to my boys as I was in town. She didnt want me to come in (hmmmmmmm). She said they just went to bed and she was very tired and wanted to turn in also. I began to shake, I could see the lie in her eyes. I kept at her till she confessed " I have company"

I moved past her and into the house. There's some scumbag hiding in my basement. I ask to get out of my house. He is unresponsive. When I ask who the heck he in he wants to shake my hand( biggest WTF of all time). She admits they have been "hanging out" for 3 weeks and didnt want me to find out to spare me from the pain...barffff.

I tell her to take him home as he has no vehicle. She refuses. Also claims his daughter is asleep upstairs as well. I figure I have 2 choices:

1) I attempt to pummel him and likely loose and end up in jail.
2) I call the cops and keep it reasonable.

Seeing as how my 2 kids are in the house and his daughter, I opt for option B.

I call the cops, she goes into a rage. Tries to make it all my fault. Its all because I didnt pay enough attention to her. She figures what she did was perfectly acceptable as we were separated.

She says that if she is leaving to take him home, the kids are going with her and I better be gone when she gets back. She will now fight me tooth and nail on everything.

I dont want her to take the kids as shes:

A)Mentally unstable
B)Setting an awful example for our kids
C)Physically unfit (she passed out in the store the other day with the kids)

I called her family for some support (didnt know what else to do..so terrified). Her dad and sister come down. They side woth me. She is spitting venom at everyone. Ive never been called a piece of you know what so much in my life. She tried to tear the phone from my hand and I really thought she was going to hit me.

The cops arrive, one talks to me, one talks to her. I tell my side as it happened CALMLY. She starts ballling away but I have no idea what she said. They ask to speak to Mr. Homewrecking scumbag. He comes out on the porch, I go in to hold on to the dog. His daughter is on the stairs crying. She seems to be familiar with cops (hmmmm). I try to comfort her as best I can. Tell her its ok and not her fault. She asks who I am so I tell her. She cheers up a bit, then starts crying as she says this was suppose to be her first sleep over ever. Now I start to cry as this poor girl is caught in the middle. Thankfully my kids didnt wake up.

Cops tell wife to take Johnny Lowlife home. Her sister will stay with the kids till she gets back. I have to leave the premises along with her father. I am ok with this and have get her Dad to back off as he says its BS cause its my house too. He thinks shes nuts and makes it quite clear.

I really think the cops saw through her BS. Shes still yelling at me and her Dad right in from of them. I promise to keep in touch with her Dad tomorrow and he says he will support me in taking the kids till she gets some help if thats what I want.

Now I totally broken. I dont know how to feel. I hurt but its like nothing Ive ever felt. I want to cry but I dont want to either. Im at a total loss.

I cant believe this crap is happening to me. I stood by her for years and put up with lots of crap, but its still "all my falut" I dont buy that anymore.

I have to make some tough decisions tomorrow (or tonight as I sure as hell ain't gonna sleep for awhile. I have to secure myself financially, legally and decide what I can do about the kids before she can take advantage of me anymore. She even said that I finally grew some balls, but I had nothing else to loose with her.

Did I do the right thing? Im not sure, but I didnt want to just leave and enable her. Its my life too and its about time I stood for something.

Any advice on what to do now? I really dont know. Help me please!!


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## Conflicted (Jun 24, 2009)

I don't have any advice, but i just want to wish you good luck through the process lying ahead of you.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

There was no 'win' here. Call her out and deal with it, or you walk away, enabling her behavior and feeling like you just lied down and got steam-rolled, over and over.

I believe you made the right call. Police are the only reasonable solution when nobody's being reasonable.

As ugly and painful as it is - you now know. No more doubts, no more wondering.

Get a copy of the police report. Get a lawyer. Start documenting why this woman is unfit to have custody. Fixating on what you must do, can take the edge off the pain - and what you must do is establish the safety and well-being of your kids.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Thanks, Im just falling apart right now. Im angry, scared and devastated all the same time. I feel like Im going to be sick and I cant stop shaking.

How could anyone who ever said they love you do such a thing?
How could they ever talk to you with such hate!

I never even raised my voice with her.

Im so terrified of the influence she will have on my kids now, and what shes exposing them too (along with what she has already done). I dont want them to hurt. I am in agony for what they are going to have to go through.

Shes backed into a corner now and will fight it out. its her nature.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

DA, I'm so sorry! I do know how it feels and it's not good. I also know you will heal but it will take time. 

It's good that you finally busted her. And it's good that your FIL supports you! You're going to need lots of that in the days ahead.

You know the things to do, get your bank accounts straightened out. Talk to a lawyer. Find a counselor (for YOU). Stay here and vent; let us know what's happening. 

Why did the cops make you leave? You might think about moving back into the house, kicking her out and getting a court order barring her from the area. 

She did (potentially) put the kids in danger by having someone else at the house! 

Go ahead and cry. It will help relieve some of the hurt. Have a couple of fingers of something (not beer!). Something to help you calm down, to stop your mind from racing. I'm not suggesting getting drunk...just to help relax, to slow down your mind.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Thanks DCRIM

The cops made me leave to diffuse the situation. I was OK with it. I wasnt currently living there but at my parents house. I was dragging my heals on doing anything with the house in hope that she would come around. I guess she found any easier way out in the end.

If I do decide to pursue full custody (once Im less angry) I fully intend to keep the house as I would like at least to keep SOMETHING that they are use to, and I really couldnt get an apartment for much cheaper, especially in a decent neighbourhood.

God only knows what Replacement Dads accomodations are like. As I said, it appeared his daughter was familiar with the fact that cops mean trouble is brewing on the home front.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

oh ****, you got her buddy. the cops recorded everything, i'll bet you a buck. get you a lawyer and drag her ass to court. you're lawyer will call his wife (please tell me he's married) to identify the pathetic little voice on the tape. that's gonna be worth it's weight in gold.

i don't understand dcrim suggestion to drink alcohol at this point. it's a depressant. do you really need that right now?


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

and i love the "shake hands" thing. i'm sure frigging killing him crossed your mind at that point. would've been okay with me. i'd vote to acquit you. serious. and a jury only needs one of me to nullify a charge. one in 12 to see the light. one of twelve.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

I didnt notice them recording anything. That would be a shame too cause she was cussing up a storm. It was horrible. I never thought her capable of that.

I dont know much about him yet, but I intend to find out. Her sister knows exactly who he is and apparently is on of her girl friends ex boyfriends from years past.

No alcohol..too dangerous.

The tears are coming and going, im just trying not to fall to the floor and not want to get up again.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

voivod said:


> and i love the "shake hands" thing. i'm sure frigging killing him crossed your mind at that point. would've been okay with me. i'd vote to acquit you. serious.


Yup

I had a BIG long steel prybar in my truck too.

Its not really my nature though. Im about as harmless as you can get and not physically imposing either.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Dark Angel said:


> I didnt notice them recording anything.


maybe transmitted from a shoulder mounted microphone to the squad car. that's how i've seen it done. i hope so this time.



Dark Angel said:


> That would be a shame too cause she was cussing up a storm. It was horrible. I never thought her capable of that.


cornered animals react much the same way. animals without morals.


Dark Angel said:


> I dont know much about him yet, but I intend to find out. Her sister knows exactly who he is and apparently is on of her girl friends ex boyfriends from years past.


you're about to learn a lot about him, and quite probably about her. don't close your ears. the pain is gonna hurt. the education won't.


Dark Angel said:


> No alcohol..too dangerous..


yes it is.


Dark Angel said:


> The tears are coming and going, im just trying not to fall to the floor and not want to get up again.


buddy, you just described it. that's the feeling, and it sucks. bad. i'm sure. never forget that. hang in there and hopefully this crew can help you through the hell.

ladies...explain to our friend here how someone can say "i love you" and then f#$K him over like this. please. he needs to know the dynamic. 

guys...tell him how to get the [email protected]$k from here to there. because i am not capable. but i can (and will) pray for you.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Dark Angel said:


> Yup
> 
> I had a BIG long steel prybar in my truck too.
> 
> Its not really my nature though. Im ...not physically imposing either.


either were most of the guys who kicked my ass (i deserved most of what i got over the years). you'd be amazed what a little well-placed rage can do for your physical nature.

and i think i'd have not found the prybar if i was the cop investigating the case. )


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Dark Angel said:


> I didnt notice them recording anything. That would be a shame too cause she was cussing up a storm.


When you get a copy of the police report, ask if the officers on scene had a utility belt recorder and if they activated it. Often times officers will carry small recorders on their belt or shirt pocket. That would be great evidence for you to gain custody of your children.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Thanks man

I know but I decided I really dont need my kids to be familiar with the cops as well. Plus I cant help them If I got arrested. I'd never get custody then.

Maybe she had a microphone. It never crossed my mind. I was talking kind of quiet too. I suppose I could look into it if need be.


I just dont want to make any mistakes here, I want to do whats right for my kids. Period.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Dark Angel said:


> Thanks man
> 
> I know but I decided I really dont need my kids to be familiar with the cops as well. Plus I cant help them If I got arrested. I'd never get custody then.
> 
> ...


hey bud, i'm not trying to provoke you. i just want you to know that i'd understand. and if i understand and voice my opinion that it's okay to feel that way then maybe you won't have to feel like s#!t feeling that way. and maybe jackasses like mr. psssy shake your hand hiding in the basement will feel a little fear. that would not hurt my feelings.

hey, i'm no mort fertel. but i think that's how i'd handle this situation.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Thanks Voivod, I understand. The anger is there, but its better in the end to stay there.

Who knows how much he really even knows. I know she told people some really awful things about me that are completely untrue and those that know me wouldnt buy it. He on the other hand is probably drinkin the Kool Aide shes servin up as he doesnt know me.

You can still tell hes a real piece of work though just by the way he acted. The blame still falls squarely on HER shoulders though.

Did I play a part in this.. YES
Does it validate what she did (she sees nothing wrong with it) NO!!!

MsStacy - Thanks, I'll be sure to check that out.

anyone know of any good websites about child custody?
Is it still utterly impossible for a man to get custody (as she claims).

What an awful waste this is. The legal fees are going to break me if this goes where I now believe it will. Its still the loss of a part of myself thats the worst though.

I got married to love somebody and be loved by them in return, not to fight a war.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Voivod, yes it's a depressant. Including depressing the anxiety levels. Easing the strain a little bit. This was/is a TREMENDOUS shock to the system, to the emotions! I know, been there, too. Just enough to get by, to cope for the moment, to help get to sleep tonight (but not every night!). NOT a long term solution, but sometimes it helps. Ask OITC sometime. 

DA, you do what you need to do. The cards are stacked in your favor at the moment. I know it's not the hand you wanted, but it's what you got. It's ok to cry...I did, too. A lot. I healed and you will too even if you don't think so at the moment. 

Just remember, we're all here for each other. We all came here for a reason and found the support and guidance we needed. We're still here for each other! For some of us, we can pay back what we've learned. I'm certainly not going to claim expertise...just some experience in some areas.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

DA...no web sites...but try googling it...


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

dcrim said:


> Voivod, yes it's a depressant. Including depressing the anxiety levels. Easing the strain a little bit. This was/is a TREMENDOUS shock to the system, to the emotions! I know, been there, too. Just enough to get by, to cope for the moment, to help get to sleep tonight (but not every night!). NOT a long term solution, but sometimes it helps. Ask OITC sometime.


okay, i know the effects of alcohol. heck man, it works! one of the reasons i used it for so many years. but...

if i suggested an oxycontin here, what would you say. cuz i can get oxy just about as easily as you can get jim beam. and a little taste of oxy ain't gonna hurt ya none.

and that **** does "ease the strain" as you put it.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

I had 1 beer, that might help me sleep..... sooner or later.

Im looking for websites but not finding much dealing with father vs unfit mother.

Im not even sure if she qualifies as an unfit mother, but some other people do.

Why cant I completely hate her for what shes done? Is that normal?


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

You can't hate her because you still love her. Plain and simple. I've been there. I'm recently divorced and still don't hate him. In fact I love him like crazy BUT he is in no way shape or form to be married to me or anyone else at the moment. As much as that sucks it's the truth. What hurts even more is when all the things you thought you were doing right still don't matter. When you're faithful and loving and supporting and you stand by them...they just don't matter. It's strange. I sit here and think W...T...F does it take these days...why do some people find a way to f*ck things up when they have it good? Why do some decide one day to just go? Leave, no explanation, nothing. In some cases it's all them but they blame you, in other cases, they blame themselves and instead of fixing themselves they just leave...I really wish I had some answers for you...for me...for everyone. It hurts. Cry as much as you need to, it's painful. I know. Hugs. 

Anyway before I start rambling. As I said I don't hate him but I am disgusted by the sh*t that he's done and continues to do. You don't just stop loving someone...it doesn't work that way.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Voivod...ok oxy. The first night is the roughest. DA needs to relax and get some rest, sleep. Otherwise it will be a looonnnggg night. There will be plenty of those ahead, but right now is the hardest. 

DA, you can't hate her because you loved her. I don't hate my xgf (for what she did to me). But I no longer feel anything for her. I don't want to see her, talk to her...nothing. If I see her in the store, I'll go down another aisle. 

It's "normal" for you. It will take some time to find web sites and resources...even google isn't perfect (just one of the better ones available). hee hee...try googling search engines!  

Also try your city, county, state for resources. Search for support groups with the topics of your choice. There is something out there, available.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Thanks Rhea.

At least I know she doesnt love me anymore. Im sure she hates me more than anyone in the world at the moment for ruining her little slumber party.

I guess that freight train finally ran her down.

Now Im scared what she might do tomorrow. Might she split with the kids? Who can say.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Well as far as that freight train goes...steamroll her ass.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

DA, if you can, be up early enough to see that she doesn't do that. Sleep in your car if necessary. Call the cops if she does!

I know that doesn't jibe with my earlier suggestions...so, do what you have to do, dude. 

I know you're up late...and I know it's eating a hole in your heart! Sh!t it's 0200 for me and I have to get up at 0530! But I know the hurt, the pain. I can't go to sleep myself just knowing what you're going through. 

Even at this hour, you know you have people here who care. Remember that!


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

It would not be in her best interest to do that...in fact if she's thinking at all that'd be the last thing she'd do and for sure not look good on her part. I'm so glad to hear your FIL is on your side...that means a lot as most families even though they know what their kin is doing is foul...you tend to be the one that get's frowned apon.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Rhea said:


> Well as far as that freight train goes...steamroll her ass.


yessss!!!!!


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Thanks everyone, I really do appreciate it.

Rhea - The problem is she is in no way thinking clearly or towards the future. She is like a cornered wild animal ready to strike. Ive neve seen a woman in real life in such a rage. It was like she wasnt even the same person.

Im sure she will call and scream at me tomorrow and try to make me feel responsible for what happened tonight. Yippie!! Can hardly wait.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

DA, sorry, couldn't help LOL at the "yippee"! 

Yes, it's going to be interesting for a while. Just hang in there!


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Dark Angel said:


> Thanks everyone, I really do appreciate it.
> 
> Rhea - The problem is she is in no way thinking clearly or towards the future. She is like a cornered wild animal ready to strike. Ive neve seen a woman in real life in such a rage. It was like she wasnt even the same person.
> 
> Im sure she will call and scream at me tomorrow and try to make me feel responsible for what happened tonight. Yippie!! Can hardly wait.


Let her yell...follow it w/a courtesy "yep" and "mmmhmm" every 5-6 seconds or so...think in the back your mind "I'm not responsible for HER actions" don't yell back. KILL her w/kindness...they HATE that.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

I dont know what to do with myself.

Oh Lord I'm afraid to close my eyes as I will see "them" together as I have seen since late last week.

Except now he has a face too.

in my bed

touching my wife

Im going to be sick.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Those dreams are a b*tch. Been there too. If you start to have problems sleeping Dark...see a doc. 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish I could personally kick the a$$ of every lier and cheater there is. Don't say you want to work it out if you don't. Don't say you want to fix us then go "fix" someone else.

I applaud you for not beating the ever living tar out of the homewrecking hoe that was cowerring (sp) in your basement like the p*ssy that he is. 

Also BRAVO to you for comforting HIS little one.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

I felt so bad for that little girl. What kind of life does she lead.

I almost didnt call the cops cause of her, but I felt I had to do it. I honestly wanted to hug her and tell her its alright, but that wouldnt have been appropriate. I dont want him playing Dad to my kids either. Plus he will likely leave in the end and then they are really confused.

She never did say she wanted to work things out and she didnt want to give me false hope. I really felt we could though if I gave her time and space to see that things arent so great without me. Then I could prove to her that I was serious about this. I had books I read that I was going to give to her next to see if she would read them. Never got that far.

She was so cold from the start that even tough she says they have been "just friends" for 3 weeks (who have sleeps overs btw). I dont buy it. I was replaced right away, or perhaps even before we separated. I really have some decent grounds for believing that.

Maybe Im just a fool for believing in people a little too much.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

DA, GO TO BED! GET SOME SLEEP! Try! In the morning, you can do what you need to do!


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Youre right Dcrim. Im exhausted.

Ill read a book without actually absorbing anything and I will eventually fall asleep.

Thank you all so much. You have no idea what a help you all are.

Michael


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

Just fyi- I have a couple male friends that have full custody, it's not the norm, but it can happen... if they think that she is unstable and you can give the kids a calmer and safer life- which she is showing there's a chance... she would still probably have visitation... maybe if she is selfish enough to want to do whatever she wants right now she won't put up much of a fight... ?? I don't know... best of luck...


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Wow..you poor thing. She is certainly...a peice of work. Custody is no longer based on male vs. female. Talk to a lawyer, explain the situation, and see what he suggests. IMO, having a sleepover (huh?) with a guy she has been seeing for 3 weeks, puts your children in harms way potentially; its WAY too early to be exposing the kids to a BF, and not to mention, you guys are not divorced. If you can prove the environment you can provide is more stable and the better place, the courts would likely side with you...and then YOU can stipulate the terms of her visitation (such as, no exposure to boyfriends, NO sleepovers, etc...)..good luck, and I sure hope you got some sleep.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Hey friend pm me, you need to read "the list". It's for dads like us and it can be invaluable to ya.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Well, my dh dragged me through 3 YEARS of custody battle. 

I can give you a few _tips_ if you want to leave her and the kids with indelible scars.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I am very sorry to hear about your pain. After all the anger has calmed down, please plan ahead for the kids. Depending how old they are, they will likely remember this divorce moment for the rest of their lives.


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

DA you totally did the right thing. The police report could be ammunition enough to build a case. The police may have recorded your demeanor as compared to hers. Her psychotic behavior is proof enough that she is unfit. Console your children and get a counselor. *HUGS*

I applaud your actions as you did the right thing, vent it out here buddy if you have nobody else to talk to.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Thank you all so much from the bottom of my heart.

I do have a great support group here and with family and sdurprisingly her family.

I feel so horrible that her mother is going to have to deal with this. Shes basically on her death bed. It could be weeks, it could be months.

I really hope it was recorded as what was coming out of her mouth was unbelievable.

At least there is some hope that I can protect them. I really believe its in their best interest. My mother supports me on this 100% and her father will to. I really think its right untill she gets some help. They still NEED their mother. This decision is going to kill me and be so awful for them. I guess the grounds I have are as follows:

- She depresssed and has talked about killing herself.

- The Doc said she needs to be on anti-depressants, she refuses.

- She isnt taking her medication for her thyroid (probably to loose weight even though she looks anoerixic.

- She is severly unstable, possibly bi-polar? 

- She doesnt do anything. The house is FILTHY. My kids are living in that!

- She wont get a job, but feels "guilty" speeding my money like crazy. She has no way to support the kids other than me.

- She wont have a vehicle soon as the van I pulled a ton of strings to get recently belongs to my company, not "us"

- She sees nothing wrong with introducing other men into her kids lives. I still cant get over that one!

- She does nothing but tell lies to everyone about a great 
many things.

- Shes trying to label our eldest son as autistic even though the high priced Doc she took him to behind my back said NO!

- Now shes starting in on the younger one.

- She chain smokes and drinks a gallon of coke everyday.
This is what she exists on and doesnt eat well. Takes the kids out for fast food constantly as she doesnt want to cook. Cant do that were broke. Would never stop it no matter how many times I asked. Not to mention what its doing to my children.

Honestly she has reverted to being a teenager again and wont grow up. She has a history of doing this (so says her family) Shes hanging around some pretty sleezy people from her past again who havent grown up either.

What a freakin mess. My poor kids. They will be devasted no matter what, but I will try to shield them as best I can.

sirch - Thank you will do so.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Sandy55 said:


> Well, my dh dragged me through 3 YEARS of custody battle.
> 
> I can give you a few _tips_ if you want to leave her and the kids with indelible scars.


The funny thing is I still dont want to hurt her. I dont want to see her struggle in misery, but I have to do whats right for me and most of all my kids.

Im so scared to make a mistake and screw everything up. I dont want to make their lives worse than they have to be.

I dont want revenge either. She will, so I have to be careful.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

DA, I hope you got some sleep last night!! I finally had to bail around 0300...had to get some myself!  

If you want someone to actually talk to, PM me and I'll give you my phone number...

From what you say, she sounds definately like an unfit mother. Talk to a lawyer! You should be able to get the kids. Is there any chance you could take the kids to your (or her) parents for a while? If so, make sure you write (and sign) a note allowing them to stay there! 

So far, you're doing everything right; no mistakes. Just hang in there. She is going to hang herself.


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## XiaSulin (Jul 5, 2009)

Play it by ear, and be aware that you may be the best parent but you have to have evidence and or a great defense (I think you have plenty of both). It sounds like you have your head together and can present yourself calmly and rationally and if your wife is the way she was with the police in court, and you have even her family backing you up, then this should play in your favour.


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## XiaSulin (Jul 5, 2009)

Oh, I have to add since by the time I posted there was more stuff written! If you don't want revenge remember that the way to hit low is through the kids (in my opinion that's the hardest part, turning your kids against the other, and through who has them), so I'd say...try and be fair and reasonable with the custody? I don't know how it works in court but I have suffered the results of it so I imagine that one way is to have the spouses compromise or the judge come up with a decision(?). My family on the other side are still years after having custody battles. 

I have no idea if that's what you're talking about I get lost because there is posting going on really fast, and I read one thing and reply to it and then something else is posted. And I don't know if it matters, but hey there's my now officially 2 cents.

Sorry you're going through all of this, it's tough. I hope it gets better. It'll get better.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Thanks Dcrim, I'll consider it if need be. Its nice to have an impartial view and know that it really isnt just your fault (she must have screamed this at me at least 5 times last night)

Not much sleep, maybe an hour and a half.

Got up this morning and got sick.

Felt a bit better after.

I seriously need to eat, but I cant.

Having them stay with my parents for awhile is absolutely no problem. I swear I have the most generous and loving mother in the world and she will go to the ends of the earth to help me, and them.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Thanks XiaSulin

Dont worry I wont alienate my kids. I think its one of the most horrible things you can do (yes, it can damage them).

I fear she will try this on me now though as I wrecked her little new and improved world. My eldset son has already said some things that are suspect.

"where did you hear that?"

"From Mommy"

*sigh*

She will demonize me to anyone who will listen. the list is growing kinda short though.


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

A very wise friend told me, "the best revenge is living well"


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

> Is it still utterly impossible for a man to get custody (as she claims).


100% wrong. 
If one spouse is stable and the other simply isn't - it doesn't matter which one is the freak-show. The parent that can demonstrate stability, good judgement, and consistently acts in the best interest of the children will be awarded custody. The mother always gets the kids crap went out the window nearly 20 years ago.
You really need to talk to an attorney. Talk to several. Initial consult should always be free. If it isn't, find another.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

How very true

I really think it pissed her off more last night because I managed to keep my head for the most part and wouldnt argue with her very much. As usual she wanted a fight and she wasnt goingto get it.

She will when the time is right, under MY terms.

I told her this isnt about her anymore. It always has been, but now its about ME.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

you have mail my friend!


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Thanks Deejo.

I plan on doing that now. I will look for a free consultation but Im not sure I can even afford to scrap it out with her in court. She will make it very very tough. You should have seen her turn on the water works for the cops. Before that is was nothing but anger. I think they say through it though as I basically git what I wanted.

I will start looking today.


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## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

I’m so very sorry you’re going through this.

Dads can get custody if the mother is proven to be unfit. I’ve seen it happen to people I know a couple times but you need cold hard evidence. Document, document, document. Take pictures of the living conditions, obtain statements from her doctors if you can and most importantly keep your cool around her and the kids as you did so well last night. I don’t have much more advice other than to say divorce can be hard on a child, yes but living with an unfit parent is even harder on said child. My heart goes out to you. Sending you a PM with attorney contact info.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Gotta wonder what was going through that guy's head after he left...she's probably been filling him with all sorts of BS and then he sees her flip out and you and her dad calm and reasonable.

I'm not sure what can/cannot be used in court, etc. but my BIL had a very similar situation with his ex and he bought a little tape recorder and started taping all of their conversations. I listened to a few minutes of it and it was disturbing...she was clearly nuts. At least you would have something to show a lawyer so they know where you are coming from and can advise you the best route to take going forward. I'm so glad you have her family's support. That means a lot.


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## melancholyman (Jun 1, 2009)

"...finally grew a pair of balls.."

Yup, I've heard that one. I'm generally calm and even-tempered in most things, but to think that she wanted me to be the opposite still boggles my mind.

Yeah man, like most of us, we can relate to your situation in one way or another.

You're doing all the right things, and you've got a wonderful support system in place, including her family (that will count BIG) and us, who are here 24/7.

You still need to secure your finances, see a counselor and seek a lawyer. Protect yourself. Don't let your love for her make you drag your feet, like I'm doing. 

You've grown a pair, now you have to exercise them.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Went to the bank to close our account.

They couldnt do it as its in overdraft. That has to be cleaned up first. I cant put money in or else it will dissapear and I cant even the balance all at once.

I put a freeze on all withdrawls anyways, so she cant touch it. There was only about $120.00 of overdraft anyways, but its still money.

Got an appointment to go over all my financials tomorrow.

Called the insurance company and with a heads on on what changes I need to make when I take the van back. Im going to take my computer too.

No money, no vehicle, no facebook..boy is she going to freak.

It feels so wrong and mean, but I have to do it.

Im calling the shots now.


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## vasmar (May 28, 2009)

DA, 

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. Especially since there is children involved. 

I applaud you for keeping your cool after finding that bastard in your basement. I don't think I would have kept my self together if it were me. I probably would have shoved my fist down his throat. Glad you were able to think of the consequences. 

It's over now, at least the waiting around to see if it still works out, thinking what you've done, blaming yourself. Now you know what the reason was/is.

Fight for your children, like most people have said, things have changed and it doesn't matter whether your a guy or girl. The judge is going to grant custody to the parent that can provide a better life to your children.

Keep your head up high bud. Hang in there. Focus on the love that you feel for your kids. No offense, but it sounds like your better off without her. 

We are here you you. Good Luck...


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Dark Angel said:


> It feels so wrong and mean, but I have to do it.
> 
> Im calling the shots now.


No...it's not wrong or mean. It is taking care of business. Do everything you have to do to protect yourself, your children, your assets and financials. You have backed her into a corner which will likely be very destructive. You are taking care of things so they won't be destroyed in her path. You're doing a great job.

Don't forget credit cards....even for gas and department stores...all of them! Any open equity lines/loans, freeze all retirement/IRA/Money Mkt type accounts...freeze it all. And if your children have accounts, freeze those too!


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

I just got some rather disturbing information.

Looks like Mr. Fantastic works as a boucer at a strip club (classy eh?) Hes getting laid off in November too so fat chance at him supporting her.

Hes also making threats to me. Apparently he said that I cause him any child custody issues with his ex (whatever that means) he will beat the crap out of me.

Nice attitude.

I cant stop him being with her...fine.

I dont want my kids around him PERIOD.

I guess I should phish around dome more and get everything I can on him as well. May need it for ammo.

Im not going to try and wreck his life out of spite. I cant believe that my wife would even believe Im like that.

I think I scared her badly last night. I heard she was VERY surprised at how composed I was. She FINALLY admit that she made some mistakes too.

Its probably getting a little foggy in her head now. I wonder what she will think in a few more days when her easier life is gone.

What a friggin waste.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Document EVERYTHING! Document his threats towards you. Document everything you learn, hear...everything. I would even spend the couple bucks it will cost to do a background check on him. Your wife has him coming around and sleeping around your children. Get a background, see if he has a wrap sheet that you can use to show a judge the kind of people your wife is exposing your children to.

And document everything!


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

MsStacy said:


> Document EVERYTHING! Document his threats towards you. Document everything you learn, hear...everything. I would even spend the couple bucks it will cost to do a background check on him. Your wife has him coming around and sleeping around your children. Get a background, see if he has a wrap sheet that you can use to show a judge the kind of people your wife is exposing your children to.
> 
> And document everything!


Thanks,

Thats exactly what I was thinking. I have to find a way to prevent him from being near them as I really dont think she will respect it. I have no idea how I can do this yet, but I will certainly find out.

When you say document it you mean in a journal? Its kinda second hand info though so Im not sure if it applies.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

How did you get wind of the threat?

I'm not minimizing how painful all of this is - I know it isn't easy and you can easily second guess everything when it is apparent that your decisions are impacting her and causing her _pain_.

But it is crucial to recognize that you do have control. You have control over how you respond and react. You have control over what happens _for you_.
If this knucklehead actually did threaten you and he is going to be in the picture - file a restraining order. Again most of this stuff is best left to addressing with an attorney. 

In terms of documentation:
I'm assuming your wife is on your insurance? You mentioned that she is diagnosed with depression and/or other issues and _isn't_ taking medication. Your pharmacy can provide you with a complete record of prescriptions that have been filled - or in your case, not filled.
Medical records. Appointments diagnoses. You also mentioned that her family will back you up, that in itself is huge. Stay level-headed, frame your actions from the perspective of what is best for your children and you *will* do the right things.

If she isn't going to work with you on any of this stuff, that means having an attorney, and the law involved.

If she is willing to talk about arrangements, set the agenda - if she goes off the deep end - walk away. 
You certainly won't feel good about everything that goes down, but I promise you will feel better about exercising your own decisions about what should happen rather than leaving it up to her, or taking no action.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

I got it second hand. So it is probably denyable.

She told someone, they told me as this person thought it sounded a little serious. I know Im not getting everything from this person, but just what they feel is totally unacceptable.

DId a little more searching.Im pretty sure now that he shacked up with her right after I moved out.

I really dont trust her to respect my wishes and keep the kids away from him.


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

Make it your job to build a case against her, start a journal. Bouncer at a skanky strip club? EWWWWWwww definitely not someone you want around the kids. She sounds like trash to me.

Change your locks.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Yes a journal...dates and times...all the specifics you can remember. Either get a note book or do it on your computer in a word or excel doc (that way you can easily email it to said lawyer or whomever else need be)

Yes it doesn't feel right and yes it sucks. But now it's not about you and her anymore it's about you and those kiddos. You and those kiddos are now the only priority. Her feelings, pride, etc are not. Keep your focus, keep your cool, and keep your support system around you. You will make it through, and when you do knowing that your finances, you, and your children are safe, will be all the payment in the world for the heartache, pain, sickness, and whatever else you're experiencing at the moment. 

Stay strong...it will be hard but we're here for you and it sounds like a bunch of other's are too. 

Hugs,
Rhea


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Notebook for journal in hand - check

Pen in hand - check

I just got the phone call. WOW. Wish I coulda recorded it.

she just discovered that she cant get in the bank account.

Says to hurry up and give her the effin money for the house so she can be out of my life.

Its still all my fault.

Apparently I was yelling last night. Ive never yelled at her in my life. She has no idea what it would be like for me me to actually yell at her, or the kids. Stern words with a slightly raised voice, thats all. My Dad use to scare the living crap out of me when he did, so I try not to.

She is fabricating and distorting stories.

Looks like this turkey is a pot head and thats why I want him away from my kids (I have no idea where this came from, but thats basically what she was pointing to). She said that she is going to keep the kids from me and is going to fight me hard.

But its my fault.

Still doesnt see what she did wrong having this guy in the house when we havent even been apart for 2 months. No clue as to the damage that it could cause. Says I really screwed Mr. handshakes little girl by calling the cops.

Thats right, you guessed it...my fault.

Do we see a pattern here?

Its also my fault the van is out of gas and she has no money to put gas in it. Perhaps if she took less trips to pick up looser boy, it wouldnt be a problem. Tried to make me feel guilty that I could have stranded my kids.

Why dont people ever LOOK at thier gas guages, I dont get it.

Shes tearing a strip off me (but not quite yelling) with our kids in the background watching TV.Oh, they cant hear me she says.

Wrong again.

She says NOT to call her family as they dont want to talk to me. Not true. She says she can change that. Hmmm.

I told her to call me when she is reasy to discuss things when she is a little less angry. She says that could be a very long time.

Gulp...What happens when I take the van away. She has to know its coming as we talked about it before when things were to be "amicable"

Shes going to fight me 100% so I guess I gotta play that way too but I really really dont want to. its going to be such a mess and shes going to lie up a storm.

Lord, please help my poor kids.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

She also says I cant keep this this guy away from them. I really have to find out if thats true.

We just go to the park together as "friends"

ahem...whosleepoveranddogodknowswhat....ahem.

This is unreal.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

They got to the park my a$$. Sorry but did she really think that one would fly?

Wow...she sounds like a piece of work DA. I'm really sorry you have to endure this. It's always heartbreaking when a divorce gets ugly. Doesn't have to be that way unless someone (your stbx) wants it to be.

You are right in wanting to keep him from your kids....research and see what you can do about that.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

I really never expected her to ever be this horrible of a person. 

I cant believe shes this stupid either that she thinks she can juts get away with it.

Im sure they do go to the park and his little girl plays with my boys.

Shes adorable, and Im heartbroken that she got swept up in this.

That would be fine if they were "just friends" but who are we kidding here. My kids are going to be so confused when they crash and burn and he disappears only to be replaced by some other wayward fool.

She thinks there is nothing wrong with this.

Anyone know how you can get a background check on someone in Canada? Im not sure if you can without consent here.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Find a PI. That is what my dh did to me. The reports are very interesting....makes a nice journal.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

DA, I'm the only dissenting voice here - so bear with me and feel free to ignore me  

I think you are right in some senses - but you are basing WAY too much of what you are doing and planning on doing (all mean, evil and you know it) on speculation rather than fact. 

"My kids are going to be so confused when they crash and burn and he disappears only to be replaced by some other wayward fool."

You can't predict the future. And it's dangerous and stupid to try. 
If You really DID know all about what was going to happen so well, you would not be in the position you are - or have lost your wife. 

You are in many senses, vilifying her with extreme prejudice. Painting yourself as the 'poor martyr" in all this who is just trying to survive his 'insane' wife is a little much, don't you think? 

You are not completely innocent in this, nor she completely guilty. Just because you don't 'yell' doesn't mean you aren't abusive. Just because someone does get angry and yells doesn't make them automatically abusive and crazy either. 

You are tearing her down in flames, giving everyone here the 'oh poor me, i hate to do this to her' nonsense - and yet YOU KEEP DOING IT. 

It's ok to be angry. She cheated on you when you were separated. Heavens knows nobody ever dated while they were separated 

Still and all, other men have caught their wives (as in STILL MARRIED AND NOT SEPARATED) doing worse and not had the snit fit you are having. 

So sure - take everything away. Take the car, the house, the money etc. Tell yourself it's to protect your poor innocent children - and that (sniff) poor little girl of the wife's new bf. Tell yourself you have no choice. Tell yourself she's insane and of no value. Tell yourself she can't see reason. 

Then stop bullshi**ing yourself for a minute and really LOOK at what you are doing. And realize it's really for your ego. It's all about revenge for you for the hurt she put you thru. If you are ok with that, then proceed to wreck her life in any way you please. But don't ever kid yourself you are doing only what you 'have' to. 

We all have a choice. Even in war.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

I can appreciate your opinion.

Theres really no way you can tell if Im full of it or not. Thats always going to be a problem here.

I'm just telling my story as it happens. Lying about it now certainly wont help me any.

Oh I sure made a hell of alot of mistakes along the way, but so did she. I use to blame myself exclusively.. not anymore.

If you could have heard the phone call I got from her earlier I think you would differ in opinion. She has threatened to take everything I hold dear away from me. Am I suppose to just let her?

To each their own I guess.. no hard feelings.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

snix11 said:


> DA, I'm the only dissenting voice here - so bear with me and feel free to ignore me
> 
> I think you are right in some senses - but you are basing WAY too much of what you are doing and planning on doing (all mean, evil and you know it) on speculation rather than fact.
> 
> ...



Why should he not close the bank account? Would it be better for her to run up more overdraft charges for him to have to pay as he is the one working?

I do not think this has anything to do with ego. Sure he is hurt, but honestly, he needs to do whatever he can to protect himself financially. The van is his company car. Who will be paying for that if she wrecks it? You guessed it, him. 

I do not think he is playing a martyr. I think he does feel bad knowing that he is going to have to cut her off financially and such because he still loves her. 

You are right, he has a choice in this war and if she is threatening to take his children, then you better believe he should take all ammo with him.

I also do not think he is "having a fit." He is processing what he is living and making the appropriate choices as he sees fit.

Last, but not least, he is not "wrecking" her life. She made the choices and ultimately has consequences. As do all choices.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Looks to me like she already took the money...but hey that's just what "the account was negative $120" means to me. Yep I'd be shutting that one down too.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Snix...you can ignore me on this one as well if you wish cause I'm really not trying to start a war w/you (as I'm big on no conflict) and because opinions are like a$$holes and we know everyone has one regardless of whether we want them to or not...but are you really one to be calling someone out on "poor me'ing" themselves???...maybe you ought to reread your Zombie thread...I think you've been "poor martyr'ing" yourself for quite some time.

I really don't see DA as wrecking her life. If those kids need something I'm sure DA would step in and provide it for them. I think he's simply taking steps to protect himself and the kids seeing how as the stbx has declared war....


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Rhea said:


> Snix...you can ignore me on this one as well if you wish cause I'm really not trying to start a war w/you (as I'm big on no conflict) and because opinions are like a$$holes and we know everyone has one regardless of whether we want them to or not...but are you really one to be calling someone out on "poor me'ing" themselves???...maybe you ought to reread your Zombie thread...I think you've been "poor martyr'ing" yourself for quite some time.
> 
> I really don't see DA as wrecking her life. If those kids need something I'm sure DA would step in and provide it for them. I think he's simply taking steps to protect himself and the kids seeing how as the stbx has declared war....


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree: PERFECT!

You know the saying, don't throw stones when you live in a glass house!


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## Nobody123 (Jun 23, 2009)

Snix,
I totally disagree with you. His wife, not him, is the one who has wrecked her life and the life of her family. DA is doing the right thing to protect himself and his kids from further financial and emotional damage. If he doesn’t take any precautions, he can be totally cleaned out just like one of my friends. His wife has also demonstrated poor judgment and bankrupted morals by cheating on her husband under the roof of their home with the kids inside the house. 

One has to stand up and fight for the right cause in order to earn his/her self respect. Being a doormat in this situation will only enable the other party to continue her wanton and irresponsible behavior. People often take things they have including loving care from their spouses for granted; some even consider kindness as weakness. These benefits need to be withheld in appropriate conditions so they too would feel the pain and they’ll think twice next time before they act crazy. If you let someone walk all over you, you are betting that they will.


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

DA has every right to be hurt. People gotta be bat**** crazy if they think they are exempt from being "poor me" in any situation that involed a breakdown of a relationship. Isn't that what we are here for? If someone can't feel safe to post their true feelings on an online forum designed to provide emotional support; then wouldn't the innocent suffer more should someone vent frustration in an unhealthy manner in their own household?

If it wasn't for this forum, I'd be a raving emotional mess between appointments with my therapist. It's better to have an unbiased opinion than to plague family and friends with personal problems.

DA a wise person suggested that I keep being myself and I am passing that onto you. Let it all out because it's better to feel safe than to be sorry for actions or words said while under the influence of anger.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

StrongEnough said:


> I think he does feel bad knowing that he is going to have to cut her off financially and such because he still loves her.


You're right I do. I still desparately want to hold her and make everything OK. Why? I dont have an answer for that.

She has always looked at my kindness as weakness, and used it to get what she wanted or just knew I would let her mistakes go.

Im certainly not going to let her sit there with no money at all. I was hoping she would call me back to discuss it like adults. I was planning on bringing her about $300.00 today so she can get by. Thats over $100.00 more than what the child support payments would be (using a simple calculation) If she needs more and provides good reason, no problem, I just cant leave it up to her anymore. She took $160.00 out of the account and spent $180.00 on groceries for her and 2 kids?? They eat out half the time too. I asked her to keep reciepts, she didnt, I had to act.

Im trying to work with her family and my family to determine what really is best. Our hope right now is she will move in with her family and get a job. That way she is in a good place, I know my kids will be safe and looked after, and Mr. Wonderful wont be around their "home"cause her Dad wont hear of it.

Last night she told me it doesnt even matter if I dont see the kids. Im not there and they dont even miss me!! Not true! Sunday night she told me that my youngest was crying for me after spending the weekend here. She still makes me feel so awful.

Im living in terror with all this. I dont feel "good" about anything.Im just doing what I think is right at the time. She needs help and wont get it. Maybe a little push will help as being nice certainly didnt.

I dont have much hope in all this. I would like to work it out, but I have to protect myself. She will try to destroy me (she even said so). If she will make concessions, so will I.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

> Originally posted by Snix:
> Then stop bullshi**ing yourself for a minute and really LOOK at what you are doing. And realize it's really for your ego. It's all about revenge for you for the hurt she put you thru. If you are ok with that, then proceed to wreck her life in any way you please. But don't ever kid yourself you are doing only what you 'have' to.


Snix, we've had our exchange of opinions before. I don't think anyone is generally going to argue that it takes two to muck up the marriage. But bad behavior and actions on the part of one partner does not mean that the other partner is responsible for, or the source of, the behavior.

It isn't about revenge or ego. That's just plain wrong. It's about protecting yourself from the careless and irresponsible at best, selfish and destructive at worst, actions of a former partner.

It's that sick sense of entitlement and control on the part of one partner that enables them to steamroll the other. All I wanted to do on my end, and would encourage DA to do the same, is not allow that to happen. 

There comes a point where even if you can fix what is broken, you need to be able to look at it and ask if you actually believe there is a benefit in doing so. What you learn about the person you marry when they have made _you_ the enemy can be tragically enlightening.

Sometimes you need to be able to demonstrate that you will use the nuclear option in order to make your partner see that you aren't going to roll over. If they still refuse to work with you, then it's time to push the button.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Sorted out more banking issues today. The woman there could see I was struggling and was very helpful.

Did some more research too, didnt find much that would help. Left me feeling like Im screwed unless I use said "Nuclear Option"

She called me today, and was calm. she said she would bring the kids to her parents house as I asked so I could see them.

She asked for $20.00 for gas. I told her I was going to bring her money today anyways.

Still lying and denying though, but no rage.

I was 5 min late and she was calling me wondering where I was (shes always like that). I was having trouble getting money for her. Bank made a mistake. Had to fix that first.

She wasnt really suppose to be there, but I guess she needed to wait for money. I felt dizzy walking in the door and the sight of her was real tough.

When the kids came running to me I almost fell apart. My 2yr old was all over me. It felt nice. He did miss me.

We talked briefly and I gave her $200.00 for the week. She told me her plan to get an appartment and somehow get assistance with it. She still wont move in with her parents as everyone wants cause she feels they would try to control her. I figure its also cause her new pal wont be allowed near the place.

She asked if I wanted the kids this weekend. YES! absolutely (although she said just the other day DONT expect to see them this weekend) She says she has alot of stuff to take care of. I guess well see. I can also take them on a day trip next weekend that we were still suppose to do together.

Spent some good time with the kids.

My 5yr old is still saying some disturbing things that hes probably hearing her say on the phone. My FIL and SIL have noticed this too.

Had a good talk with my FIL. Very supportive. Wants me to get a lawyer and start protecting myself.

She came back. I said my good byes and left.

Not sure what to make of her attitude. Perhaps reality setting in and her mind is starting to fog? I gotta be careful though as she might be up to something. I really have no way to tell.

I gotta stop falling apart. It keeps coming in waves and I hold it, hold it, hold it. Then it all comes out at once.

BTW: Thank you all for your support and just for listening. You really are a great bunch.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

DA, where are you living? She is talking of getting apartment, is she still in the family home or what?


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Hey M,

I'm so sorry but like everyone is saying, now you know.

I think you have sone the right thing with the cops and the beauty phychologically, (can't spell), is that it will be easier to deal with because you at least have a logical reason that is black and white for walking away, not millions of what if's and maybe's and inuendo and suspect feelings. Black and white. She has let you know where she stands.

Go to court. Keep close to your FIN and your freinds. Sleep. Try to keep busy even though youdont want to. I know EVERYONE says ity but I think it is because hindsight shows us all that when we stop, we fall apart.

Take care,

S


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Sandy55 said:


> DA, where are you living? She is talking of getting apartment, is she still in the family home or what?


I have been staying with my parents since the start of this.

She has been staying in the family home with the kids.

I have been visting the kids once or twice a week there (with her present) and bringing them here every second weekend.

She plans to get an apartment and move out so I can fix the house up and sell it.

Overitnolove - Hi S

I know what you mean but surprisingly I dont feel that much different toward her. I still love her and want her to be happy, but I dont trust or respect her anymore. You're right though, at least I dont look like the bad guy but shes still trying to make it look and feel that way.

Thanks

M.


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

Hey DA,

I just read this whole thread and my heart goes out to you. It's true there is always two sides to every marriage, but what she did was way out of line over the boundaries of good sense with the kids in the house. Sounds like you handled the situation with a good head by calling the police....you did the right thing and are continuing to do so.

The fact that your FIL supports you says a lot about her..most fathers would never do that unless they felt confidence in you as the better one to parent the children. 

I feel your pain...so sorry. Nothing like it when you love someone and find they have turned to another outside the marriage, and all you have to deal with young children and custody on top makes it 10 fold worse. But it will be OK...it WILL work out so try to get yourself to a good counselor as that will help too!


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Hang in there, DA. You know we're here for you! 

You're doing fine (on the outside); the inside will just take some time. 

I know you love her...but she made her bed (ok, so maybe a bad metaphor  )...


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## XiaSulin (Jul 5, 2009)

Man I know this doesn't mean anything since I've blubbered my whole family situation here, so it won't be of any condolence if I said I understand what you're going through. Both of my parents have married/divorced or fell in love and had kids with someone then split up. But I've just seen firsthand how it can destroy people and kids, esp. when even just one spouse (doesn't matter if the other isn't) seeks to destroy the child's relationship with the other. 

http://www.divorcemakingthebreak.com/pdf/BrainwashingChildren.pdf

It's early and I'm really tired but in the end we can't control too much about the outcome, we can try to. But what you can try to do is make sure your kids are emotionally doing ok. I'm sorry about your wife/divorce . You're a good dad.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

XiaSulin said:


> You're a good dad.


I hope so. I havent always been the most attentive. Havent always made as much time for them as I should. Havent done as much with them as I should have in the past.

Ive been much better in the last year or so.

I had to slip out of the way I grew up. It wasnt how things should be.

Not that I was bad, but I could have been better.

then again, she usually tries to make me feel like a bad father. I would try and pump her up and tell her what a great mother she was when she was doublting herself, even when I was really struggling with it.

Now its essential that I be the best I can be. I let her make to many of the decisions about the kids on her own because I figured she knew best. Not anymore.

Thats why I need to be so careful that I make the right decisions for them and try not to let my emotions get in the way.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Hi DA,

There's not much you can do about the guy she is seeing, but I totally agree with you that she should not be introducing him to your kids at this point. That could go south at any time and they don't need to be pulled into that. I think (even if she has other motives) when she is talking calmly and rationally to you, that would be the time to talk about it...in a very logical way so that it doesn't turn into an argument...that your only concern with her seeing this man is your kids and for their sake you think it is in their best interest if she limits her time with him to when the kids are with you...that their lives are already chaotic enough right now and you want the transition for them to be kept as easy as possible should her 'friendship' end with him. You don't even have to argue whether 'it's only a friendship' or not...if you stay calm you have a shot that something will register with her that you are thinking of the kids here and she may realize it's the right thing to do.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

swedish said:


> Hi DA,
> 
> There's not much you can do about the guy she is seeing, but I totally agree with you that she should not be introducing him to your kids at this point. That could go south at any time and they don't need to be pulled into that. I think (even if she has other motives) when she is talking calmly and rationally to you, that would be the time to talk about it...in a very logical way so that it doesn't turn into an argument...that your only concern with her seeing this man is your kids and for their sake you think it is in their best interest if she limits her time with him to when the kids are with you...that their lives are already chaotic enough right now and you want the transition for them to be kept as easy as possible should her 'friendship' end with him. You don't even have to argue whether 'it's only a friendship' or not...if you stay calm you have a shot that something will register with her that you are thinking of the kids here and she may realize it's the right thing to do.


I did have that exact conversation with her because it was s good time to. She didnt get upset and talked it out. I told her its fine if she wants to see him. I just dont want the kids involved as its too soon and it has a good chance of ending.

I still didnt get through though. She still sees nothing wrong with him being around the kids.

I'll keep trying. Every conversation is like another stab to the heart though, especially when shes not being mean.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Here in the US, most states have some court records publicly searchable, so you can look someone up and see if they have had charges against them in civil court etc. Might be worth looking into if you are in Canada as well. Please get to a lawyer and talk about this with him. Most consultations are free, and you really need some professional advice on this one.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Mommybean said:


> Here in the US, most states have some court records publicly searchable, so you can look someone up and see if they have had charges against them in civil court etc. Might be worth looking into if you are in Canada as well. Please get to a lawyer and talk about this with him. Most consultations are free, and you really need some professional advice on this one.


Thanks Mommybean.

Things like that seem a little bit harder to obtain here.

A lawyer will know. I really didnt want to involve them, but it seems that my options are limited. Unless I wish to leave myself vulnerable.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

DA - 

My heart does NOT go out to you. Yes, you were cheated on, but you were SEPERATED. That was at least partially your decision. 

It takes TWO to screw up a marriage. 

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. It's ok to close the bank account, just tell her first. No surprises, NO sneaking around to lawyers behind each others back. 

She seems to be being more reasonable - like you said - she's not being mean. Perhaps a mediator would work in this case? 

You have thrown her away, why do you care who she spends her time with? You may want to date someday too - with divorced parents that is 'normal'. The relationship with the new guy (or girl in your case) may or may not last. But that is not for you to decide. 

You have to stop trying to control who she sees and doesn't see for such a lame-o reason as the kids might not understand if the relationship doesn't last. Well, duh - mom and dad's didn't last, did it? You DO expect the kids to understand that relationships, even MARRIAGES don't last, right? Well then, man up and realize that both of you are going to date (yes even you eventually) and if she didn't want you to date (or be around the kids) based on you not knowing if Ms. X will be Ms. Forever or not you would think your exwife was nuts.

Either fight for her or LET HER GO. Do what you have to, but don't go overboard. In the end, you will want to look back on this and know you did everything you could NOT to be spiteful. Keep yourself on the higher moral ground.


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