# Can she really move on so easy? I'm trying so hard to get past this.



## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Sorry for another post. I am fighting hard to move ahead. Its taking so much. 

I am realizing many here are not spiritual, but my ex and I are Catholic and both believed we had met for a reason. How we met, when, it was all so 'right'. I have been fighting so hard to bury the pain, but I just keep reliving hers and her little girl. They needed so much for me to be there more. I worked all the time trying to do what "I" thought they needed. I missed so many special moments. 

Its just unbearable that she was only asking in Dec for a house, any house, to short the gap until the new place was done, so we could all be together. After waiting 3.5yrs for a ring, marriage, and a child, she was tired and moved on. She knows now I have every intention of marrying her and was willing to rent a house just before this went South. I know she still has feeling. I know we had a connection. I know she knows how long it will take to rebuild something new. 

I know we needed time apart. I needed my eyes opened up. I was swimming in my own selfishness, thinking I knew what my family needed. She knew it better than me. The kids needed my time. She needed my time. Time I didn't give nearly enough. It was so easy. 

I would almost accept the time apart to grow and reunite with a change of directive, but she elected to start dating someone immediately. I don't know if it is to bury the pain. I know some probably feel she was already out. But why fight for me all the way up to the last day? It was not like we were totally disconnected for a year. She wanted it. She wanted me, she wanted us together. 

I know now that I always kept her at arms length and did not chase her because I didn't want her to know how vulnerable I was to her. It was SO foolish and childish. I was warned by others when we met that she may not stick around so that was always in my mind. Looking back, this woman stuck with me through EVERYTHING! We had a VERY serious event with my son that even drove a wedge between my son's mother and her boyfriend. My relationship survived it with ease. She stayed. She was so patient with me. Through all my BS of being "busy", she ranted about it, but she stayed, for 3.5yrs wanting a forever with me. 

I know I should have seen it. I know I have to learn from this. I kept my head down trying to do too many things that were not for the immediate need of the family. Her daughter would ask for me during the day, and they would stop by my shop for a hug. I never turned those down, but it wasn't enough. She needed me there as true husband/father material, to do those things that are expected. 

I am realizing so much. I know she carried all this pain, and could no longer do it. I want to so badly tell her everything, and repair this, but she has completely locked me out. Did it in an instant. I know a talk could change so much. It could never replace all the lost time, but all time is not gone and there are so many memories that are still intact. We had plenty of special moments to remember.

I swept in when her daughter was only 1yo. She was fighting so much in her life. I remember her daughter getting sick and us cleaning all that up together. She was sure I would leave over it, but that only drew me closer. 


I know everyone here will say "learn from it and find another". That is NOT easy to do, feeling that I had truly found my partner. We taught each other so much. We had such a deep connection when we met. I know things about her that only God knows. Things in her past she has never shared. She entrusted me with every part of her. Her phone, laptop, money, child. She put all her trust in me and I dishonored her by not being the man I promised to her. I let my pride, ego, and selfishness stand on the way. 

All am doing now is pushing her away by sending emails, and sent her a letter the other day. The letter was not an "i'm sorry", it was my ultimate realization that all the pain I feel is not just my own, I feel all of hers fighting for me for so long and wanting the family together. Her daughter needing me and the connections of my boys with her. I knew I had to own up to what I put her through and that I see it. I can see so much stepping away from this. It feels like the difference of playing in a football game vs watching from the stands. I also included a jump drive with 2 songs on it. One was a song she sent me soon after we met. One I could never forget. The other was a song she sent to me 1.5yrs ago. A wedding song she wanted, email title was "someday". I know she thought I was not paying attention. I was. We were always connected through music. She loves it and loves concerts, and I have played guitar my whole life. Music is part of me.

I know there is little I can do now. But if someone has any idea, please fire away. I know it is ridiculous, but I know I can't give up just yet. I know it can be fixed, but we would have to do it together, and she is the most stubborn person on the planet. 

I don't know if she is blocking my texts for not, but we always shared enjoyment in sunrise/set. I sent her a picture of the sunrise this morn. It was unique and reminded me of her.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

You're the one who blew her off and ignored her. You waited over three years to do anything to cement your relationship. She bailed on you because you couldn't make a commitment.

She had probably been drifting from you for a while, now.

It's not that she moved on so fast, she's just _over it_.

Stop trying to contact her. Stop trying to contact her daughter. Stop trying to weasel your way back in. It's over.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...i-fix-now-i-think-she-has-written-me-off.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies...wanted-commitment-how-fast-does-she-move.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...able-ask-about-see-my-exs-child-some-day.html


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

I have not posted on any of your posts before now. Just read, okay?

Common advice for a break-up is to stop all forms of communication with the other party until enough time and emotional processing has happened.

You have to stop. Block her on social media, block her phone. Block her friends and family from posting pictures of her on your wall. 

Stop sending emails, block her email address. Clear out your phone of any old texts and pictures. 

Stop re-opening the wound.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sorry brother. But...you snooze you lose. 

Chalk it up to experience, lick your wounds and move on. All of us guys have lost women we've loved. That's life.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I agree with Bandit. Do you think any of us found it easy to give up the one we loved -- that we thought we were meant for? Hardly. But it can be done. Find something to do so you aren't constantly obsessing over her. She may still decide she can't do better than you at some point in the future and come back but in the meantime work on you so that you can be a better partner one way or the other.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Don't you have a thread in which you talk about a lot of negatives about your ex girlfriend, and how you were talking to a friend and realized none of the problems were you, you didn't commit because of those negatives about her?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Ok reality check time.
What you are experiencing is the "questioning" phase of grief. You are questioning why everything happened. One of the toxic by products of this type of thinking is that you assume all the blame. "If only I had been more..., if only I had done..."

The reality is that you were acting to the best of your abilities at the time. Hindsight may be 20/20 but it usually isn't, especially so soon after. She didn't just decide to leave because of anything you did or did not do. She left because it was in her best interest. The fact that she is dating someone so soon is evidence that she had already decided and settled it in her head quite some time ago. You experienced her burning off some fumes of the relationship (probably to set the stage to blame you, as no one likes to be the cause of a bad thing).
As others have said, stop contacting her. Stop worrying about what she does. Worry about you, focus on you.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

just. stop.

if she were to contact you again...

if...

You'd essentially just be her *****. You won't want that anyway, and you'll end up without her again.

Have some respect for yourself and just stop.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Don't you have a thread in which you talk about a lot of negatives about your ex girlfriend, and how you were talking to a friend and realized none of the problems were you, you didn't commit because of those negatives about her?


I know my emotions have been all over the map. There is no doubt she has some negative traits that cause me to think twice. However, I have learned that in myself, I seem to find the negative with everyone. It is an absurd flaw. I know for sure even if she talked to me, we would still have to air some things out and if she could not accept change within herself, I know it can't be. 

I honestly believe if we had the connection back, and I showed her all of me, without my own conflictions, she would be much more motivated to work for me. 

I know there are plenty of good marriages out there where partner has flaws. No one is perfect and I need to accept that.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

bobsmith said:


> Sorry for another post. I am fighting hard to move ahead. Its taking so much.
> 
> I am realizing many here are not spiritual, but my ex and I are Catholic and both believed we had met for a reason. How we met, when, it was all so 'right'. I have been fighting so hard to bury the pain, but I just keep reliving hers and her little girl. They needed so much for me to be there more. I worked all the time trying to do what "I" thought they needed. I missed so many special moments.
> 
> ...



Here's what she did with your letter. Choose whichever option, all have about the same chance of being true:

option 1: She wadded it up and threw it in the trash after reading the first few lines, the bolded one in particular. Probably vomited in her mouth a little.

Option 2: She trashed it without even opening it.

Option 3: She read it, then immediately blocked your email and all other communication sources you could use.

The answer to your post is this :

*YES! SHE CAN MOVE ON THIS EASILY!*

I am only telling you this so you will not be able to read my post and think there is any hope whatsoever of getting back with this woman. She has been detaching emotionally for months most likely. She's not moving on easily, she is just moving on with a LOT of lead on you as far as detaching time.
She is not the person you once knew. That person cared about you. Sadly, when they throw the care switch, it gets welded in the off position forever. No matter what anyone tells you, the chances of getting back with your wife and having her love you like she once did are 1,000,000 to one, or worse.

You are going to need to stop all contact and move on. That's all you can do. You have NO CHOICE. I did. By golly, you can do it to. I had 18 years and 3 children and a home involved. Yeah, it hurt. CRUSHING PAIN. We have all felt it. 
It's your turn. All we can do is tell you the truth on how to get through this in the shortest time possible. The way to do it is to accept that it's over, accept that she no longer cares about you, and MOVE ON.

I'm really, really sorry. But this is the truth.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

bobsmith said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> > Don't you have a thread in which you talk about a lot of negatives about your ex girlfriend, and how you were talking to a friend and realized none of the problems were you, you didn't commit because of those negatives about her?
> ...


I've been where she is. After my divorce, I had a long term relationship with a man who wouldn't merge his life with mine, much like you wouldn't. BUT he wanted the perks of a joint life, without actually merging. He very much " did his own thing" but then wanted me there on how schedule, with all of what someone would provide only in a much more connected relationship...

So I know what perhaps she is feeling.

Maybe you should move on. There probably is too much resentment in her end to ever have a healthy relationship even if she would contemplate trying again.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Bob, one hard truth you need to learn about women is that once a woman has made her decision to shut the relationship down and move on, that door is closed....forever. There is rarely ever any going back for a woman. 

Women process their emotions much more efficiently and faster than men. They grieve the relationship, and then they pull stakes and move on. A woman doesn't carry a torch for decades the way a man will. And once she finds a new man and falls in love, you will be yesterday's news...nothing more than a footnote in the history of her life. She won't care where you are, what happened to you or what you are doing.

She was saying goodbye to your relationship long before she ever broke up with you, and by the time she did you were already in her rear view mirror. You are just now catching up.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> She was saying goodbye to your relationship long before she ever broke up with you, and by the time she did you were already in her rear view mirror.


This is right on target. And this is how I operate as a woman. When I was done, I was DONE. No need to stick a fork in me. I can also say that the one time a guy I broke up with sent me a letter to rehash the relationship, I was BEYOND done.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

It is interesting having a good convo with my other ex. We lived together 2yrs and I honestly just blew it with her totally. I was not ready for a relationship. She moved and bought a house. I actually got her back and we spent another decade together. I fought for her, she even called the cops once to tell me to leave but I stayed in contact. BUT, we had a child together so it is not like should could completely avoid me. I think we both finally realized we were just wrong for each other, but I fought for her anyway. 

After she left the second time, she contacted months later to "hook up" and we did that several times. We both knew it was nothing, but we knew each other well and always had that part figured out. Once I was in a relationship, she REALLY wanted me. 

So, I don;t know, first ex went so far to get a house. 

The **** thing is I REALLY love my latest ex and I can see a forever for us. I know we needed to part though to get some perspective. I was really hoping she would sit down and have a really good discussion with me so we can finally get all our little stuff worked out, but so far I am locked out tight. I think the issue right now is she is gorgeous and certainly has options. No man is going to say no to her, ever. She knows this, BUT this is the whole reason I NEVER chased her. This is part of what ruined us. At some point I needed to realize she really was into ME and I needed to switch things over. I can't believe how bad I let this all get.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Bob, if she was able to start dating immediately, then she clearly didn't think that you were meant to be or that it was all 'so right'. 
It was 4 years after my marriage ended before I felt ready to possibly meet another man, so it seems that her feelings for you weren't as strong as yours for her. Or Maybe she just got fed up waiting for you to ask her to marry her and she gradually cooled off. 

She is with someone else, she has moved on, and you have to accept that and stop with the 'what if's'. 

As others have said there is no need for you to have any contact and it will help you to move on faster if you don't. Yes it hurts. Many of us here have had long marriages end with children and homes together etc which is much harder. It will get easier, but until you can accept that she isn't coming back how can you heal? Don't give yourself false hope.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Yeah, I know with my first ex, I was still in the healing stage when I met my recent ex. I talked with her many nights about it and was not holding back. I was NOT going back to my ex, but it took a little time to rebuild. My recent ex was considerate with this knowing it could be tricky. however, she really did snap me out of that crap pretty quick because she was just a way better match for me. 

I can only hope that strikes again and someone even better comes along. I know there are certainly things in my ex that I was not a fan of. Not deal breakers, but hey.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

bobsmith said:


> I can only hope that strikes again and someone even better comes along. I know there are certainly things in my ex that I was not a fan of. Not deal breakers, but hey.


See, here is part of your problem. What are hoping strikes again? Another failed relationship? Someone feeling sorry enough to listen to you lament the loss of your past Ex's? Read what you wrote. You said when you met your recent ex you still weren't over your first Ex. You were broken when you met her, you broken still.

You really need to take this time to heal yourself. Focus on you. Do it without the constraints of a relationship where you think you should act certain ways or do certain things in order to keep that person in your life.

Do a 180, stop communicating with her. Stop sending letters. Stop thinking about her. 

Here is a neat little trick. Get a rubber band and slip it over your wrist. Whenever you get the urge to contact your ex, snap the rubber band. Whenever you start thinking about her, snap the rubber band. Eventually you will stop thinking about her because you won't be able to stand the pain of snapping that rubber band against your sore red wrist anymore.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bobsmith said:


> Yeah, I know with my first ex, I was still in the healing stage when I met my recent ex. I talked with her many nights about it and was not holding back. I was NOT going back to my ex, but it took a little time to rebuild. My recent ex was considerate with this knowing it could be tricky. however, she really did snap me out of that crap pretty quick because she was just a way better match for me.
> 
> I can only hope that strikes again and someone even better comes along. I know there are certainly things in my ex that I was not a fan of. Not deal breakers, but hey.


If you are looking for a new women to enable you to get over this last one, then you will have another bad relationship. I would give it a year or so before you even think of dating again so that you can reflect on your mistakes and what went wrong.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I seriously was NOT looking for another relationship and I flat told her that! However, it was a very unique opportunity and one I just could not pass up. In hind sight, maybe I should have just walked away. Too late now. I have plenty I need to do, so no problem finding something to do. It just becomes an extremely hard talk to regear my brain. One minute I was looking down the barrel of marriage/house/baby, the next single AF and worrying only about me. 

It is going to take a minute!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@bobsmith, 

I believe this quote, from your first post on this thread, really explains things:



> After waiting 3.5yrs for a ring, marriage, and a child, she was tired and moved on


Your point of view may feel like "Whoa this happened so suddenly! How could she just move on so easily?" but to her, it's been going on for 3.5 years. Now, my guess is that you were together 3.5 years, and maybe 1 year into it she began to think more permanently...so really it's been 2.5 years. But hey, if you don't look at her and think "I want to commit to her!" in 2.5 years... is she really moving on all that easily? I'd say no!! I'd say she waited and gave you plenty of time, and the only time you even seemed to give a **** was when she was looking at you in the rear view mirror. Remember...before that for at least 2.5 years you told her by your actions that you did not want her and she wanted you to want her. You didn't. And the consequence of not wanting someone is that they go away. 

If I were you, I'd learn from this life lesson. You've kind of done this twice now, and that indicates a pattern. Why do you act like this in serious relationships--pushing them away and not being willing to commit. See, if you want an adult, loving relationship in the future that's healthy, you're going to have to face yourself and figure out what it is inside you that drives you to treat people like this and avoid commitment. If you can figure that out and address it...and then practice a new, healthier option like treating people you love with care and dedication...then you'll have a chance for a better relationships. If you avoid figuring it out, don't address it, or don't practice new, healthier choices, then you'll likely repeat this again and again. 

You're going to have to let this one go. You drove her away--it's over and you'll need to accept that. You'll be okay, but as someone who cares, I strongly recommend you take this time to do some work on your own self and figure some of these things out. You'll be glad you did.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I will seem like a complete hypocrite right now but here are the honest signs I saw in the relationship that flagged things for me a bit. 
TOP CONCERN - in the first month, she told me the father of her child left her at 6mo preg, cheated on her, and deserted her. however, she begged him to stay and marry her when child was born. Would LOVE to have a convo with the ex!!! She might be total pyscho clingy when pregger. No idea. 
1. When we first met, she was ALL over me, introducing me to everyone like we were dating. 
2. When we met the second time, she again jumped ALL over me, and bedded me so fast, I didn;t know what to think
2a. Talked about marriage, kids, house asap. I want to do that only with the RIGHT person, not just to have them. 
3. She was very needy. She liked to give affection and receive it constantly. I am very affectionate but it was a bit much.
4. She likes thing her way. I can adapt, but she doesn't seem to be able to do that. 
5. She did not show genuine interest in anything I do. If I am fixing the law mower, she will just ask when it will be done. Just wants the attention back to her.
6. She started biting at EVERYTHING I did. I don;t know if this is because the resentment of waiting too long but you track a leaf in the house, BAD....
7. She knows nothing about the real world like working on finances. You just work, put it in the bank, and spend it. 
8. Her family was always a priority over mine. If my family had a function, hers had more priority. 
9. Looks are very important to her. Me too, but she was always working on me. I didn't mind much but it was a bit much. 
10. She didn't know how to just unplug and let time pass. Something as simple as looking around a store was on a tight timeline. Get what you need and go. 
11. If we did something for me like go shooting, it never seemed to give her happiness. She just wanted to get it done. 
12. Sex life was off. I am passionate and like to take 'the tour'. She wants to get at it right now. 
13. If I needed a minute to warm up for sex, she would kill it all saying "what is wrong with you"
14. There was a layer of 'fake' in things she did. Rush to carve pumpkins in 15min so we can take pictures and make a memory. Let it just happen!!!
15. She whined about communication but when I got there, we were gunna watch dancing with the stars or something. We needed to talk
16. Not once did I EVER get to watch an action movie. Not a huge deal, but if I have to watch tear jerkers, there should be compromises. 
17. All her sexual motives were fast. If I started touching her, she would want to advance that like lighting. Like she was not able to be in that moment and just enjoy what I was doing to her. 
18. Never seemed to show interest in what I was doing like cooking, just "when will it be done". 
19. She is not the best mom. Loves her child to death but smothers her. Lets her child have markers on the carpet and expects that not to get ugly. duh...
20. Fun outings were always pressured up for no reason at all. We don't have to get to the lake at exactly 1pm. 
21. I couldn't even pack a cooler right even though I know exactly what I am doing. 
22. Never appreciated that I am deadly smart (questionable now). I know many things but she just wanted my affection. 
23. Could not take appreciation of certain things in nature like me. I can admire something as simple as a tree. She didn't have to love the tree, but appreciate that I love the tree. It shape, its leaves. 
24. Small town girl but could not unplug for something like 2 chairs, a cooler, and a wheat field. That sort of thing resets my brain. 
25. Never really showed BIG appreciation for work I did for her. LOTS of work. fixed her cars, house, installed things, etc. My other ex at least showed genuine appreciation for what I did for her. It may not be romantic, but.... She used to push mow her whole yard. I bought and tuned up the perfect riding mower for her and cut it down from 1.5hrs of sweating, to 20min of easy. 
26. LIked to plant some flowers but did not take time to really ENJOY what she was doing. just get it done, right now. Look, they are pretty, move on. 
27. Treats her daughter like an accessory. Has to wear nice everything and look like a princess. 
28. Always told me raising girls is different. You just kiss them and never punish them. Hers is a snot for that reason. 
29. When did finally discipline her kid, she screamed at her, when a simple redirect would do fine. I am a father of 2. I get it. 
30. Would never trust my fathering instincts with her daughter. If I disciplined for good reason, kid would whine, mom would come after me. 
31. Would never give me alone time with just her daughter to build a better bond. After 3.5yrs, I can count them on one hand. Mom wanted to be there. 
32. Did not seem to fill the "step mom" role very well and care for my boys as her own, like I did with hers. Hers was her priority. 
33. Never really laughed at my humor. I throw jokes constantly. She likes straight, sincere communication. 
34. I could NEVER bring up things that bothered me like her smoking a cig in the evening. She would get pissed just talking about that. her way only. 
35. Her mood would switch back and forth. She would be loving on me, then bite me about something simple. Like a seesaw. 
36. Her way of prying at my emotions was aggressive. i warned her I don't dump my emotions out with anything less than sincere communication. 
37. Always said our communication was nill but she lacks there as well. No plan or directive, just tell me what is wrong. Never offer a plan on how to fix it. 



WHAT I LOVED> 
1. I could count on affection that I was deprived in my first relationship and most of the reason we parted. I like a woman that touches me. She did that. 
2. She always liked everything I cooked. I am a grill and smoker master. Good in the kitchen. She loved that. 
3. She always told me how much she loved my physical traits. Look, smell, hold her, kiss her. etc. because I do that with passion, not just 'do it', I 'feel' it
4. She keeps a clean house, runs a tight ship, and keeps her self clean
5. She works out and keeps herself looking nice
6. No problem being dressed down at home. So insanely gorgeous without makeup. 
7. Very comfortable in her skin. Always peed in the bathroom with me at public places. I loved it! We were comfortable like that. 
8. She is dedicated to the church and going. 
9. Loves being around family. Anything fun with kids she wanted to do. 
10. She was not afraid to get dirty. Working in the yard, etc.
11. Her schedule helped me stay on a better schedule. Kids and such. 
12. She was good with cooking and washing clothes.



her sisters are married with kids, in nice expensive homes. She said she was fine with whatever as long as she was happy, but I genuinely think if those things don;t happen, she will never be happy. She is the prettiest woman in the family, and I think she is just torched that she does not have what her sisters have yet. She wants it all NOW, but she waited 3.5yrs for me so..... I don't know. 

Looking at things right now, I would say I needed to bale MUCH sooner and thought things would just get better. I got WAY too attached and royally ****ed myself. I think she is borderline narcissistic and superficial. 

I honestly felt in 10yrs, she might chill out, but I am probably kidding myself. I always felt like her on weed would be a good play. CHILL

I honestly see her pushing VERY hard and rushing her new man, being super nice, over the top, to get the marriage and kid asap, then her man will finally see what he has. BUT she is so pretty and wants to be a great person, it is a very conflicting decision. If he has no real dreams in life other than to please her, it might work out, but I tend to think most men want a little man time, but seems most in that area out there don't. They are just dads/husbands 100%. 

If he is a stress free guy, i think he will start to feel the pressure but not for many months. I think it took me 6mo to realize I was in a pressure cooker.

In all of this, i really thought we could have worked through some differences, but it would have taken REAL talking to accept my input on her ways, and me changing my constant projects that are taking away from family. I know I have to do that.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

3.5 years isn't fast. Take your list tell yourself you dodged a bullet. 

But know you'll continue to dodge bullets if you don't learn to figure out what you want and what you don't want. Once you find what you want then put a ring on it.

You refer to your exes but the truth is your like the 40 year old virgin. Except in this case you've never found a woman worthy of marrying, you are self sabotaging.

Ask yourself if you actually want to stare down the barrel at all. You sound very resistant to actually being in a relationship you like the idea but not actual daily nitty gritty. Until you figure your own true desires out please stop wasting years of women's lives that are looking for the forever package.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I firmly agree!!! I saw signs instantly, yet I stayed and wasted both of our time!

I know I want a marriage more than anything, but I seem to stagnate in a bad relationship because i don't like dating at ALL. I hate it! 

Every single woman I have been with except in high school came to me. I have no game. However, when in a relationship, the pressure is off, and women see that I am with someone and I can chat it up free as a bird. 

Now, I am certainly NOT going to date right now, because I know I have to figure out WHAT type of woman I will need to ensure I can stay on the rails. Certainly someone that knows how to communicate VERY well and help me along.


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