# Tried all I can



## Detatchedfromlove (Dec 16, 2021)

Hi not sure where to start but I’ll try my best with this I’ve been with my partner/wife 24 years just over 18 years married were both 40 with 6 children aged 14+ my wife has been alcohol dependent for the last 16 years.

it’s took it’s toll on our marriage & children’s upbringing the emotional & sometimes physical abuse has been nothing less than traumatising for us all to the point I have developed anxiety disorders ptsd depression & personality disorder from how much I’ve changed as a person just to get her to show me love & affection at least once with no avail.

I got some counciling sessions but my wife didn’t/wouldn’t participate she did a little at some point but she wasn’t interested at all that was 3 years ago since then I have noticed that I have seemed to of grieved the loss of the woman I loved & cherished so much I have held on to every glimmer of hope just hoping one day everything will be better.

I’ve noticed a massive shift a change I’ve distanced myself like I’ve detached from love she says she loves me when I ask her but won’t allow any kind of intimacy no cuddling no kissing no touch etc but openly tells me she would with others as well as who they are I have tried 100s of times to sit & speak about our problems & how they make me feel inside (dead not dying completely empty) she says so what unlucky for me if I’m unhappy then leave

she is unwilling to make any kind of change then says if I go then I’m sad for leaving & when she kills her self & that’s my fault of which she has tried on more than several occasions all of which I’ve saved her from in front of the children the family home is completely broken dysfunctional & what seems to be un repairable we have just got the keys to another house & i am thinking off staying in our family home & my wife can’t wait to move but says she wants me to move with her but also I can stay here if that’s what I want as well as all this

I haven’t ever cheated on my wife in any kind off way but just recently I have started what seems to be an emotional affair with another woman a lot of texting 2 meet ups no touching just 2 good friends talking getting along really well but it doesn’t feel right to me hiding this from my wife although she has tried several times to cheat but I caught her just before she did oh well maybe I should of left her to it but i didn’t & now I feel stuck trapped empty to the point I feel dead inside 

I can’t even smile on the outside I’m at a loss what to do & I take full responsibility for my part in all of this even though I’ve been the empath the provider the carer mum & dad to our children through thick & thin I haven’t let go I just need some understanding I feel so alone & scared unsure what to do so I guess I’m looking for some kind of clarity feel free to give me your harsh words even about my wrong doing in all this


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## Resu (May 26, 2015)

Bloody hell! I hope few have been there but many been in dilute versions. You our reactions sound par. I think a domestic abuse support worker may help. Having a friend is hardly cheating. It sounds like a life line. Well done bringing up the family in spite of your partner s problems.

Please note


Detatchedfromlove said:


> says if I go then I’m sad for leaving & when she kills her self & that’s my fault


Is manipulation and psychological abuse.
I stayed in a marriage partly because of this for years as well as so the children could get up.

Have you been to Al anon.might help.

I think the process here is to have a parallel relationship that validates your own needs and experience so as to give you confidence in choices for your own future such as with a support worker or counsellor. Being an empath makes it tough.

I would caution while new friend could be positive outlet. Infidelity could leave you guilt ridden and tied into the bad marriage.

Alcohol problems or dependency is a health matter not a moral one but you have a right to your own well being. Tough situation but where will you be in five years.maybe smiling and relaxed!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Please edit to break up the wall of text into paragraphs and use punctuation. More members will be inclined to read and advise.


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## Detatchedfromlove (Dec 16, 2021)

.


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## Detatchedfromlove (Dec 16, 2021)

Resu said:


> Bloody hell! I hope few have been there but many been in dilute versions. You our reactions sound par. I think a domestic abuse support worker may help. Having a friend is hardly cheating. It sounds like a life line. Well done bringing up the family in spite of your partner s problems.
> 
> Please note
> 
> ...


Thank you for your reply & yes we have had quite a lot of agencies working with us the last few years & domestic abuse support that’s now all finished but just left feeling low empty depressed just don’t know how to make these final steps out of what seems like an impossibility


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## Detatchedfromlove (Dec 16, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Please edit to break up the wall of text into paragraphs and use punctuation. More members will be inclined to read and advise.


I am not very good with grammar & punctuation but thank you


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

How did you meet the new woman? You poor thing, how did you find the time in all of this upheaval, and taking such loving care of your kids? 

Given your diagnosis & sad situation, a professional would advise you not to go there. Ptsd can be debilitating, wait wait and wait again before getting involved with someone. (Ah but it’s done. Ok. Is the new woman sane and stable?) And adding to a volatile situation already. Assuming your wife is as volatile as you paint her and has threatened suicide… I would question how, with PTSD and all the other fears (you mentioned her alcohol abuse as rather frightening) and other factors, you’re keeping such an enormous secret.

Any substance abuse or alcohol from your end? Or abuse from your end? The external supports would have covered all of this though, I’m sure. 

Generally, when I hear a sad story about an awful partner, but then, and at the very end of the story is a ‘I’ve met another man or woman’, always in this order… I like to ask more questions. Helps to clarify things. I’m sure your symptoms must have eased and I really hope you’re feeling ok.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I forgot to add in my previous post, what was the personality disorder that you were diagnosed with? Take care, hang in there!


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## Detatchedfromlove (Dec 16, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> How did you meet the new woman? You poor thing, how did you find the time in all of this upheaval, and taking such loving care of your kids?
> 
> Given your diagnosis & sad situation, a professional would advise you not to go there. Ptsd can be debilitating, wait wait and wait again before getting involved with someone. (Ah but it’s done. Ok. Is the new woman sane and stable?) And adding to a volatile situation already. Assuming your wife is as volatile as you paint her and has threatened suicide… I would question how, with PTSD and all the other fears (you mentioned her alcohol abuse as rather frightening) and other factors, you’re keeping such an enormous secret.
> 
> ...


So things are quite calmer than they was since I started to detach with the help of domestic support + other agencies involved my lady friend I have known for around 6 years but only recently started texting with 2 meet ups absolutely no touching no talk of I like you or anything like that but we do text each other good morning xx etc I suppose it’s helped me out of the dark & filled gaps in my life that are empty I have started to even distance myself from my friend as I feel guilty even tho I haven’t done or said too much other than a good laugh & joke I myself don’t feel ready for a relationship also my children I love unconditionally & safe guard them as much as I can when things are life threatening & volatile the abuse on my part has been telling my wife all the things she’s done that has destroyed us as well as controlling her alcohol abuse & yes I am a cannabis user but completely T total & thank you for your reply


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## Detatchedfromlove (Dec 16, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> I forgot to add in my previous post, what was the personality disorder that you were diagnosed with? Take care, hang in there!


Borderline personality disorder


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Anything secretive is an emotional affair. Cut it off. You have enough problems without adding to them.
You cannot fix your wife’s alcohol problem. She’d have to do that.
If you change nothing, nothing changes. Is this the life you want? If not see an attorney and find a way out.


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## Resu (May 26, 2015)

You might want to get your name down for a house for you and remaining children and/or look for ways to build some secret cash for the move if you see yourself living separately. You should get a few points with your history/problems. Baby steps. Putting the forms on is a step in itself.
The first question might be where will you be when the kids go?

Just being in your own space and getting used to not having any of the worry, taunting, drama or whatever will go a long way and give you a good start. Is there an Al anon group near you?



https://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Detatchedfromlove said:


> she says she loves me when I ask her but won’t allow any kind of intimacy no cuddling no kissing no touch etc but openly tells me she would with others


Ditch the wife and keep and expand the friendship with the other chick.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Detatchedfromlove said:


> I am not very good with grammar & punctuation but thank you


You don't have to be good at grammar or punctuation to put in some paragraph breaks.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Tried all I can.
Tired, that I am.

Your wife may be done with you.
Life is not.

You may not be good at paragraphing and spelling.
Worry not, there are plenty of other women that are interested in intimate spieling.



_Lilith-_ a fifty-something widow


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Luckylucky said:


> I forgot to add in my previous post, what was the personality disorder that you were diagnosed with? Take care, hang in there!





Detatchedfromlove said:


> Borderline personality disorder


Your disorder (very likely) needs to be managed.....somehow.

You don't want to be a burden to the next gal you bond with.

Consider long term dating, before marrying anyone.



_Nemesis-_


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

The manipulation and abuse you are under is excessive.

you said you caught her trying to have an affair on multiple occasions. You sure you caught her in time on all of them? Maybe you didn’t catch some of them.

you are in a dead bedroom and she has said out loud to you (and shown you by trying to have an affair) that she is ready and willing to have sex. Just not with you.

and She’s an alcoholic?


FFS. You have pretty much the worst situation for a partner. You said she’s been an alcoholic for 16 years. How did she go through 6 pregnancies? Did she harm your children by drinking while pregnant?

dead bedroom, attempted to cheat (maybe she has cheated), and an alcoholic. Nope nope nope. Time to leave. If she wants to off herself, call the cops. Take her word for it. If she gets mad, tell her you take threats of suicide very seriously. This is no joke. If she threatens then you will call for help.


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## Detatchedfromlove (Dec 16, 2021)

LATERILUS79 said:


> The manipulation and abuse you are under is excessive.
> 
> you said you caught her trying to have an affair on multiple occasions. You sure you caught her in time on all of them? Maybe you didn’t catch some of them.
> 
> ...


Thank you for advice & the pregnancies were mostly before she started to drink & on the last 2 children she didn’t drink through pregnancy but started the day she had them again The harm has been more emotional & verbal abuse my children are now aged 14-23 only 2 left at home as the others now live with grandparents & in there own family’s now


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Detatchedfromlove said:


> ....... the pregnancies were mostly before she started to drink & on the last 2 children she didn’t drink through pregnancy but started the day she had them again The harm has been more emotional & verbal abuse my children are now aged 14-23 only 2 left at home as the others now live with grandparents & in there own family’s now


As you have posted you need to get your life back, especially to show your children that it is possible. You need to become their mentor so that they know anyone no matter how bad their situation is can recover and lead a good life.

You might want to talk to your children about not falling into the evils of alcoholism (which they have seen) and be a good abstinence role model for them, as some alcohol abuse traits are inherited and others are cultural.

I wish you luck.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Detatchedfromlove said:


> I have tried 100s of times to sit & speak about our problems & how they make me feel inside (dead not dying completely empty) she says so what unlucky for me if I’m unhappy then leave she is unwilling to make any kind of change


The definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

You need Al-Anon. Like yesterday.

P.S. - BTW, you're married to an alcoholic.

ETA: Cut out the texting and meeting up with another woman until you've at least filed for divorce.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I want to add a few thoughts to what you've said thus far. Your children are being harmed. They're getting a front row and center to watch how an alcoholic behaves. I know plenty of folks from Al-Anon who are referred to as "adult children of alcoholics." Alcoholism is an equal opportunity destroyer. Every member of your family is being impacted by it. That's why I suggested Al-Anon for you. Even with the pandemic, meetings are taking place virtually. 

All I can tell you is I was married to an alcoholic and it screwed me up for a very long time. Al-Anon and counseling gave me the tools I needed to handle life and recover from the damage of living with a drunk.


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## Detatchedfromlove (Dec 16, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> I want to add a few thoughts to what you've said thus far. Your children are being harmed. They're getting a front row and center to watch how an alcoholic behaves. I know plenty of folks from Al-Anon who are referred to as "adult children of alcoholics." Alcoholism is an equal opportunity destroyer. Every member of your family is being impacted by it. That's why I suggested Al-Anon for you. Even with the pandemic, meetings are taking place virtually.
> 
> All I can tell you is I was married to an alcoholic and it screwed me up for a very long time. Al-Anon and counseling gave me the tools I needed to handle life and recover from the damage of living with a drunk.


I have been looking in to Al-Anon today I didn’t know it was for people who don’t drink as well & yes it’s the help I need to be able to set my self free from this dysfunctional relationship & for the sake of our children it’s these final steps I need help with thank you


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'd also suggest you see an attorney (or solicitor as I believe you in the UK call them). Know your rights. If your wife is unfit to parent the children, consider finding out if you can have primary custody. First and foremost, protect the kids. Seriously.


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