# New and Need Advice on Avoiding Divorce



## Grid Runner (4 mo ago)

My wife and I have been married 21 years this month. We have 4 kids together and are both in our first marriage. It is almost embarrassing to admit that it took me this long to realize my wife has never had to come to terms with her responsibility for her side of the relationship. I work a lot and make myself available to her when I am home; cooking for her, getting groceries (she is an introvert), helping around the house (though I do need my own downtime) etc...
I put no overt expectations on her as the kids and the house occupy most of her time. Then, that is kind of the problem. She doesn't really do much of anything for me. I wash my clothes. I cook my own food or heat up left overs. I am totally independent and self-reliant....out of necessity. I don't want to expect any more than she already deals with because she is overwhelmed by how much she has to do. Oddly, most days the dishes aren't done, the house is a mess and the kids are fighting. When it comes to these things, she frequently blames me for not helping more. Yet our kids, all but 1 are teenagers now, have no established responsibilities and expectations placed on them. 

I have recently begun calling her out for how unhappy she is. She lets her mom and our kids run her life. All I get is the miserable and depressed aftermath. 

Our most frequent arguments begin when I address the kids for disrespecting her or am tired of hearing how her day is just as miserable as every other for the past 5 years. She has nothing to show for her life and I'm the one she blames. In the meantime, I try to avoid fights because I had a childhood full of conflict. None of my concerns are ever addressed. 

In short, she fights with me because she is afraid or unwilling to fight with those who are actually making her life more difficult. I am the fall back position and the one she pushes everything on. I'm tired of shouldering the responsibility of being sole provider, emotional confidant and root of all blame. In return, I have to rely on myself if I need anything. I have sacrificed my time (working at home and at work with lots of overtime) to allow her the space to make her life what she wants it to be. I have done remodeling projects on the few days I do have off because SHE wanted them done (when I point this out, she claims they are for us). She will not take my advice on what might make her life better. She will not take responsibility for how her actions have led to her misery. 

I just don't know if I'm willing to stay around as her scapegoat for another 15 years when all I have to show for it is knowing I gave all she claimed would make life better...and no payoff. I get blame and little else. 

I swore the only reason I would ever get divorced would be for infidelity. Now, I'm not so sure the standards are that high anymore. 

How do I fix this and should I even continue to try?


----------



## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Have you asked her to go to MC ? Maybe a professional could help you sort all of this out


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I do t understand why she doesn’t do things to take care of you…not just the kids/house?

certainly if your “kids” are older she can work now. Tell her to get a job. It’s odd - but I’ve seen this many times - when working = much more organized and get more accomplished.

if she doesn’t intend to be YOUR partner - then yes, divorce her. She made vows to you not to only herself.

Sit her down - ask her what is her idea of being your wife. See if she actually intends to consider your needs/feelings or if she is just initiate collect your pay and avoid caring for you.


----------



## Grid Runner (4 mo ago)

Jimi007 said:


> Have you asked her to go to MC ? Maybe a professional could help you sort all of this out


We tried counciling years ago but she wasn't really into it and the councilors didn't really seem to have a good grasp of what was going on (not professional but church based).


Beach123 said:


> I do t understand why she doesn’t do things to take care of you…not just the kids/house?
> 
> certainly if your “kids” are older she can work now. Tell her to get a job. It’s odd - but I’ve seen this many times - when working = much more organized and get more accomplished.
> 
> ...


It seems like she takes the path of least resistance. I believe that us why she tends to focus all of her frustration at me. I, typically, don't fight back. I have begun to recently. That seemed to precipitate an escalation which resulted in me seeking the council of strangers. I understand better what is going on but I don't want it to continue like this.


----------



## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Grid Runner said:


> We tried counciling years ago but she wasn't really into it and the councilors didn't really seem to have a good grasp of what was going on (not professional but church based).
> 
> It seems like she takes the path of least resistance. I believe that us why she tends to focus all of her frustration at me. I, typically, don't fight back. I have begun to recently. That seemed to precipitate an escalation which resulted in me seeking the council of strangers. I understand better what is going on but I don't want it to continue like this.


I'm not sure what to tell you. It sounds like you're done with all of it. I hope somehow you can find common ground. . The ball is in your court. I would have a very frank conversation with your wife and tell her exactly the way you feel. If that doesn't change things than you will have your answers. 

My dad always used to say " Live with it or get rid of it "

I'm sorry you're here, 

Best of luck , Jimi


----------



## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Sounds like


Grid Runner said:


> My wife and I have been married 21 years this month. We have 4 kids together and are both in our first marriage. It is almost embarrassing to admit that it took me this long to realize my wife has never had to come to terms with her responsibility for her side of the relationship. I work a lot and make myself available to her when I am home; cooking for her, getting groceries (she is an introvert), helping around the house (though I do need my own downtime) etc...
> I put no overt expectations on her as the kids and the house occupy most of her time. Then, that is kind of the problem. She doesn't really do much of anything for me. I wash my clothes. I cook my own food or heat up left overs. I am totally independent and self-reliant....out of necessity. I don't want to expect any more than she already deals with because she is overwhelmed by how much she has to do. Oddly, most days the dishes aren't done, the house is a mess and the kids are fighting. When it comes to these things, she frequently blames me for not helping more. Yet our kids, all but 1 are teenagers now, have no established responsibilities and expectations placed on them.
> 
> I have recently begun calling her out for how unhappy she is. She lets her mom and our kids run her life. All I get is the miserable and depressed aftermath.
> ...


Sounds like another case of what I describe as domestic bliss, whereas a married couple with kids become trapped in a mundane life.
It`s obvious to me that you have a lack of understanding of your wife`s feelings and I would lay odds that she`s frustrated and suffering from depression.
You are working a lot (your words) and your wife has been stuck at home for years taking care of the chores and kids, which is a job in it`s own right.
She is probably mentally and physically worn out, with lack of energy to control the kids and fed up with her lot.
Rather than calling her out and making criticisms, why don`t you try and see the situation through her eyes and do something about it..
Hire a house cleaner a couple of times a week, take her out more, to a restaurant, a movie, a romantic night at a hotel, a change in environment or whatever she would enjoy, even if it means hiring a child minder at times.
I can tell you from experience, that if your attitude does not change towards your wife and start making some behaviour allowances with more understanding for her, your marriage is doomed to failure later on.
Have a good think about it before you end up pushing her away completely.


----------



## Loves Coffee (4 mo ago)

My advice is to not focus on the behavior problems first such as cleaning and organization. Those will come later. The first step is to not allow her to dump on you. Strengthen your boundaries and let it be known that you're not going to participate in any argument or verbal lashings just because she's having a bad day. Your day was just fine and that is your frame of mind and you're not going to allow her to change it. Next is to talk to her in a neutral setting without arguments and get her to open up about what her problems are. You have to find out what is bothering her really.

Also follow @gameopoly5 advice. Get her out dating again. Take a trip. You have to break out of the rut she is in.

None of this is a guarantee it will work. It will be a process and not be solved easily. You have to decide if this is something you want to do.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

gameopoly5 said:


> Sounds like
> 
> Sounds like another case of what I describe as domestic bliss, whereas a married couple with kids become trapped in a mundane life.
> It`s obvious to me that you have a lack of understanding of your wife`s feelings and I would lay odds that she`s frustrated and suffering from depression.
> ...


No, it's really if the OP doesn't stop doing what things the W should be doing in a 50 50 M, he'll be the maid, his resentment will build, and he'll leave her as he should if W doesn't adult-up.

@Grid Runner pay attention.....


----------



## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

You're not married. You have a roommate.


----------



## So far so good (7 mo ago)

Whether you having an argument or you are confronting your spouse (with infidelity cases), try to remain calm specially when the spouse is yelling… The calm person stays in control whereas the yelling person is not.

My current spouse doesn’t like to do any household chores… do what I have to do is "Let’s go empty the dishwasher together" etc… while being careful with the tone of my voice.

hope this help…


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Do you want to stay married or do you want to just avoid divorce? The two mindsets are completely different and you should maybe sort out that first before you can move forward. I’d imagine if your wife starts appreciating and valuing you, you’d want to stay married. Co-existing for the sake of the kids and to avoid divorce, that will take its toll on you. It sounds like it is, already.

I’m not going to get into your wife’s issues because they could stem from many things but if you’re both unhappy, and counseling either doesn’t happen or doesn’t work, you’ll need to decide if divorce is the better option.

I would also seek legal advice - just to know what you’d be dealing with if you divorced. It may give you peace of mind.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Grid Runner said:


> She has nothing to show for her life and I'm the one she blames.


This is quite a thing to say about the mother of your children.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> This is quite a thing to say about the mother of your children.


No kidding.


----------



## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Not to thread jack you, but I've been in a similar situation for a long time. I now know a bit of it is due to the mental illness issues that run in my family and I have some to. Been working on that. Wife has had a history of depression throughout our marriage. Trying to work on this where I can. A lot of introspective thoughts here for me. Been in therapy many years also. I too have been doing my laundry for most of my marriage, for over the last 15 years I've also done most of the house work, even starting to cook on off days as well as when I work. She has always been a SAHW/ MOM. We only had 1 child and she has now moved. To say I was perfect would be a lie. Also neither has she. I can see many instances of blame shifting and projection from her. I am committed to de-escalating conversations that get amped up, I'm not accepting gaslighting anymore. I have gently pushed her back to the corner to force her to engage in this marriage again or we end the charade. No more going through the motions.
If it sounds familiar, well it's very common in long term relationships. It's easy to forget the little things that make each of ours days, to take the other for granted. Easy to point fingers and blame. A pattern of one upmanship can develop. Emotionally isolating from each other. Then comes the pain game. I'm hurt, no I'm hurt, no I'm hurt more, no I've been hurting more longer! Very destructive for sure.
The important thing is to value what our mates bring into our lives and remember that. She has obviously been believing a long time now that she's of no value and what's the sense of it all. Start small with date nights. Work into more intimacy, invade her space with hugs and holding again. Remember when that meant something?? Men speak a different love language than women. We are hardwired so different. It's really not about the sex for the majority of women. Do things for her around the house with a different attitude that shows you see her and all she's doing to help the life you have happen. Be her lover again, not a tired and disengaged old friend. Do what you need to do to be a couple in love again, don't let her resistance stop you be softly persistent. Write little notes, sweet texts, little gifts, show her your appreciation and that she's the first thing on your mind when you awake and the last thing on your mind when you go to bed. Make her the center of the world and she will either wake up and become the same for you or sleep deeper.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Grid Runner said:


> Yet our kids, all but 1 are teenagers now, have no established responsibilities and expectations placed on them.


You are their parent as well, why can't you establish responsibilities and expectations? That falls on you as well. 



Grid Runner said:


> She has nothing to show for her life and I'm the one she blames.


Well that's a bit rude. She's raising your children. Kind of an important job, don't you think? Was that your idea or hers (being a SAHM)?


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

What does she do while the kids are in school all day?

Why don't you suggest that she get a job, maybe even just a part time job, while they are in school.

You can use the extra money to pay for some hired help around the house and maybe she will feel a boost to her self worth from working.


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Grid Runner said:


> Yet our kids, all but 1 are teenagers now, have no established responsibilities and expectations placed on them.


This is also on you though right? Imagine if you were divorced and still work and it is your week with the kids, how would you handle this? Whatever that looks like, you should try that now.


----------



## Nico_Jacobs (4 mo ago)

Grid Runner said:


> My wife and I have been married 21 years this month. We have 4 kids together and are both in our first marriage. It is almost embarrassing to admit that it took me this long to realize my wife has never had to come to terms with her responsibility for her side of the relationship. I work a lot and make myself available to her when I am home; cooking for her, getting groceries (she is an introvert), helping around the house (though I do need my own downtime) etc...
> I put no overt expectations on her as the kids and the house occupy most of her time. Then, that is kind of the problem. She doesn't really do much of anything for me. I wash my clothes. I cook my own food or heat up left overs. I am totally independent and self-reliant....out of necessity. I don't want to expect any more than she already deals with because she is overwhelmed by how much she has to do. Oddly, most days the dishes aren't done, the house is a mess and the kids are fighting. When it comes to these things, she frequently blames me for not helping more. Yet our kids, all but 1 are teenagers now, have no established responsibilities and expectations placed on them.
> 
> I have recently begun calling her out for how unhappy she is. She lets her mom and our kids run her life. All I get is the miserable and depressed aftermath.
> ...


I know that it can be frustrating, but life and marriage are hard. I have been married for 26 years and spent 25 of them in the military. My wife had to do so much in support of me and like you, I would get frustrated when she would complain about her life. Until I took a step back. First and foremost, I committed to my marriage. We made the rules very early that we had to be honest with one another without the fear of reprisal. My wife and I had our first (of two) children about 4 years in. At this time ,
We chose to have her stay at home with the kids until they got a bit older. Well that turned out to be about 18 years. So when my youngest entered high school my wife, started college. Something she sacrificed for our marriage. She got her bachelors in 2 years and has now been a teacher for several years. My point is that we, as couples, have to assume different roles in a family. Your wife filled a specific role for a long time and maybe now is ready to increase her role or change it altogether. The question is: are you willing to change your role? Have you considered that while your wife was sacrificing a career and a social life, you continued to work and advance professionally? Now that your kids are a little older, she may feel less needed and wants to improve herself. She may just not know how to address it and as a result gets frustrated. Often with herself. Likely, you hear about it because you are her person. You are the only one she has and probably needs you to listen as much as anything else. This is not me coming at you. These are lessons I’ve learned along the day coupled with two degrees in social work and mental health and wellness with an emphasis on family dynamics. Hope this helps.


----------



## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

Take her out on a date. For some ice cream.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

gameopoly5 said:


> Sounds like
> 
> Sounds like another case of what I describe as domestic bliss, whereas a married couple with kids become trapped in a mundane life.
> It`s obvious to me that you have a lack of understanding of your wife`s feelings and I would lay odds that she`s frustrated and suffering from depression.
> ...


How is she worn out?


----------



## Grid Runner (4 mo ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> Sounds like
> 
> Sounds like another case of what I describe as domestic bliss, whereas a married couple with kids become trapped in a mundane life.
> It`s obvious to me that you have a lack of understanding of your wife`s feelings and I would lay odds that she`s frustrated and suffering from depression.
> ...


Very little can be crammed into the OP. I have repeatedly made the point to her that she is not happy and that none of the sacrifices I've made have changed that. I took the sacrifices hoping to make her life better. 
I know why she is not happy. She has become a servant to her abusive mother and the kids who have no problem putting their every inconvenience on her plate. Another reason why I try not to expect anything from her. I have stood up for her repeatedly but she will not stand up for herself. The only one she feels comfortable standing up to is me. 

I know she suffers from anxiety and depression. I have encouraged her to go seek counciling but she isn't interested. I have asked her to go out for dinner with me for years. The last time we went was before Covid. Before that it had been 5 years or more (I attribute some of this to her introversion). 

I just need her to realize what I have tried to do for her has not worked. Her being unwilling to see it and placing all fault for her misery on me is almost too much for me to be able to handle. 

I have tried to "suck it up" to keep the peace and give her space to work through her own issues. I could continue to do that...if she would stop making me the root of all her problems. 

I tell her the way people are treating her is disrespectful, rude and assuming. Honestly, I'm the only one in her life who tells her she deserves to be treated better. 

I spent a lot of my marriage trying to figure what I was missing, why I was screwing up so bad for her to be continually hurt by me when I genuinely tried to give and do what she wanted.


----------



## Grid Runner (4 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> You're not married. You have a roommate.


I felt that.


----------



## Grid Runner (4 mo ago)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Take her out on a date. For some ice cream.


I have been asking her to go out with me for years. We have gone out 2x in the last decade. Mostly, I buy a couple of ribeyes or some other ingredients for a dinner after work and cook for us 2-3 nights a week (that is her acceptable date night). This serves 2 purposes. I am doing something nice for her and for some reason cooking helps me decompress after a rough day at work.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Grid Runner said:


> Very little can be crammed into the OP. I have repeatedly made the point to her that she is not happy and that none of the sacrifices I've made have changed that. I took the sacrifices hoping to make her life better.
> I know why she is not happy. She has become a servant to her abusive mother and the kids who have no problem putting their every inconvenience on her plate. Another reason why I try not to expect anything from her. I have stood up for her repeatedly but she will not stand up for herself. The only one she feels comfortable standing up to is me.
> 
> I know she suffers from anxiety and depression. I have encouraged her to go seek counciling but she isn't interested. I have asked her to go out for dinner with me for years. The last time we went was before Covid. Before that it had been 5 years or more (I attribute some of this to her introversion).
> ...


You cannot fix her. If she refuses to treat her anxiety and depression, and relationships, then that's on her and you're under no obligation to stick around being her punching bag. It's not like you're throwing in the towel after a short while, it's been years. 

If she has gone this long without getting treatment and trying to fix her own life, then it's unlikely she ever will. If you can't continue to live like that, it's okay to end the so-called "marriage". 

Does she know you are considering divorce over this? She may not want counseling but she may change her mind if that's a requirement to stay married. You have to be prepared to follow through with divorce if you give an ultimatum like that though.


----------



## Grid Runner (4 mo ago)

bobert said:


> You are their parent as well, why can't you establish responsibilities and expectations? That falls on you as well.
> 
> 
> Well that's a bit rude. She's raising your children. Kind of an important job, don't you think? Was that your idea or hers (being a SAHM)?


If you read the full OP, you might notice, one of our most common arguments is about our children. Ex: I came home from work one night and heard my 7 yr old call his mom to come across 2 rooms. She dutifully got up to see what he needed. I told him, if he wanted to talk to her, he should come to her. 
This precipitated an argument between me and my wife because she should be able to decide what she is willing to do.

Furthmore, I can establish responsibilities and expectations for the kids but she doesn't make sure they follow through when I'm not there.


----------



## Grid Runner (4 mo ago)

bobert said:


> You cannot fix her. If she refuses to treat her anxiety and depression, and relationships, then that's on her and you're under no obligation to stick around being her punching bag. It's not like you're throwing in the towel after a short while, it's been years.
> 
> If she has gone this long without getting treatment and trying to fix her own life, then it's unlikely she ever will. If you can't continue to live like that, it's okay to end the so-called "marriage".
> 
> Does she know you are considering divorce over this? She may not want counseling but she may change her mind if that's a requirement to stay married. You have to be prepared to follow through with divorce if you give an ultimatum like that though.


I told her during our last argument, that I'm done being the reason she is miserable and if I was not there maybe all if her problems would go away. Or at least I would not have to listen to how I'm still the problem. I was really just trying to wake her up. However, if she will not wake up to reality in this situation, I cannot forsee letting it go for another 10 years. It has only lasted this long because I genuinely thought I was doing everything wrong and was waiting for epiphany. It came but only when I realized I no longer have the stamina to keep up with her demands for my atonement.


----------



## Grid Runner (4 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> This is quite a thing to say about the mother of your children.


Those were her words. I can't tell her she is wrong because she has given it away in an effort to appease the kids and her mother. All I can do is tell her she needs to start focusing on herself and her own happiness at the expense of everyone using her and taking her for granted. Rather than take my advice (confronting her mother is her greatest fear since she is so manipulative and emotionally abusive), she just claims I am biased. I admit I am biased. I am literally the only one advocating for her right to find joy in living.


----------



## Grid Runner (4 mo ago)

re16 said:


> What does she do while the kids are in school all day?
> 
> Why don't you suggest that she get a job, maybe even just a part time job, while they are in school.
> 
> You can use the extra money to pay for some hired help around the house and maybe she will feel a boost to her self worth from working.


She is homeschooling, though her mother contributes


re16 said:


> What does she do while the kids are in school all day?
> 
> Why don't you suggest that she get a job, maybe even just a part time job, while they are in school.
> 
> You can use the extra money to pay for some hired help around the house and maybe she will feel a boost to her self worth from working.


----------



## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

Grid Runner said:


> My wife and I have been married 21 years this month. We have 4 kids together and are both in our first marriage. It is almost embarrassing to admit that it took me this long to realize my wife has never had to come to terms with her responsibility for her side of the relationship. I work a lot and make myself available to her when I am home; cooking for her, getting groceries (she is an introvert), helping around the house (though I do need my own downtime) etc...
> I put no overt expectations on her as the kids and the house occupy most of her time. Then, that is kind of the problem. She doesn't really do much of anything for me. I wash my clothes. I cook my own food or heat up left overs. I am totally independent and self-reliant....out of necessity. I don't want to expect any more than she already deals with because she is overwhelmed by how much she has to do. Oddly, most days the dishes aren't done, the house is a mess and the kids are fighting. When it comes to these things, she frequently blames me for not helping more. Yet our kids, all but 1 are teenagers now, have no established responsibilities and expectations placed on them.
> 
> I have recently begun calling her out for how unhappy she is. She lets her mom and our kids run her life. All I get is the miserable and depressed aftermath.
> ...


Best of luck. At this point it's a habit. Invite her to MC and see if anything can be resolved.


----------



## Grid Runner (4 mo ago)

re16 said:


> What does she do while the kids are in school all day?
> 
> Why don't you suggest that she get a job, maybe even just a part time job, while they are in school.
> 
> You can use the extra money to pay for some hired help around the house and maybe she will feel a boost to her self worth from working.


She is homeschooling, though her mother contributes


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Grid Runner said:


> She is homeschooling, though her mother contributes


Is there a reason they can't go to school? Seems like the effort she spends homeschooling is maybe part of what is taking a toll?


----------



## Grid Runner (4 mo ago)

Grid Runner said:


> She is homeschooling, though her mother contributes


We decided before we ever had kids, we were going to homeschool our kids. I told her I would never demand she get a job.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

So many people stay in unhappy marriages it makes me sad.
Some of these agreements you made with her years ago are hurting the relationship. School for kids is healthy. Likely your wife working would be healthy for her as well.
Agreeing to never ask her to work while you’re married hasn’t helped her.
Women need to know how to work and support themselves. It gives them options in life. It also helps them feel accomplished.

go to a real marriage counselor. Pay the money. Be honest with the counselor about what YOU are unhappy about in the marriage.


----------



## Grid Runner (4 mo ago)

Just had another argument. She doesn't like me telling my 8 year old that the scratch on his leg is not a valid reason to stay up after bedtime to discuss it. I was in the wrong for telling him, "that scratch has been there for hours and if it wasn't important when you were watching YouTube videos, it is not important to justify staying up past bedtime to talk about it."
My wife got mad because I didn't allow her to discuss it with him. I was disrespectful because I cut her off from replying to him that he just needed to go to bed. 

If I'm in the wrong, let me know. If I am setting up boundaries in areas she is not willing to, am I wrong? She is not establishing them for herself. Should I wait for her to reach that threshold or should I intervene?


----------



## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

It's time to put your foot down and become the head of the household. The rules will be made and the kids will abide by them, or there will be consequences! Children need to hear no or stop. It means more than we think. It gives them a sense of security knowing we the parents are watching out for them and do see and care about them. Time to tell your wife to sit down shut up, pull out a pen and paper, write down the new rules and boundaries. They will be enforced by her as well. She will support you as the head of the household. It was the type of relationship you both established. Time to assume your role firmly, but kindly with her as well as the kids. Consider getting them into regular school to give you both space with each other as adults. I suppose there will be friction, at this point what do you stand to loose? Definitely seek out marriage counseling. She is going to resist and definitely start blaming you more. Time to man up!


----------



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I'd try a marriage encounter weekend and another crack at marriage counseling. Do you have daughters, have you asked their advice. Not saying you shouldn't get divorced ultimately but you mentioned money, and recognize there are huge financial costs. In many divorces, each lawyer gives the client an exaggerated, unrealistic view of what he/she should pay or receive, money is drained for the lawyers who make more money the longer the couple fights, each side is told to get a tough lawyer- imagine a football game which stops after 19 quarters and the combatants exhausted and bloodied. I'd work on the marriage a little more.


----------

