# hi



## butternutsquash (Jun 1, 2012)

It been 8 months since my wife cheated on me and recently i've gotten pretty down about it again. I was doing good getting over it and feeling like we were starting over and boom. I dont know what brought it on but the hurt feelings are back. 

Is this normal? It really sucks and it really hurts. Any suggestions on how to avoid/deal with these relapses?


Also, although i know my wife is sorry for the way she behaved i don't think she totally gets how she behaved during this period. See she is bipolar and was off her meds when everything went down. How do i trust her fully when i feel she doesn't get it all the way even after the fact?

Thanks


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## hurt_husband (Sep 6, 2012)

It's been 9 months since i found out about my wife. And yes I have gotten down about it to at different times.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Normal? Yes, definitely.

How to deal? Talk is good, maybe IC, you can talk with her, but it could be difficult. She can maybe give you some insight, but if you slip over the edge into anger, you might say some damaging things. Might help you, but it won't help her.

Exercise should help. Staying busy helped me a lot, but that might be kind of false, as I may have just delayed dealing with my ****.

Seems as though it might also be hard to forgive, if you don't feel like she fully takes responsibility for her actions.


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## butternutsquash (Jun 1, 2012)

*question*

Thanks for the responses. I spoke to my wife. She definitely knows she did wrong. Since this happened she has also listened to me more and has been trying hard to improve herself and her perspective. I've never cried in her arms though. She hasn't told me that she loves me often. I don't feel like she has done enough to help me get over the hurt she caused. When we talked she worried that I would never get over it and i wound up comforting her. I'm hurt and i feel like she isn't there for me. How do i deal with this?


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

*Re: question*



butternutsquash said:


> Thanks for the responses. I spoke to my wife. She definitely knows she did wrong. Since this happened she has also listened to me more and has been trying hard to improve herself and her perspective. I've never cried in her arms though. She hasn't told me that she loves me often. I don't feel like she has done enough to help me get over the hurt she caused. When we talked she worried that I would never get over it and i wound up comforting her. I'm hurt and i feel like she isn't there for me. How do i deal with this?


The fact that she is worried that you might never get over it seems all about her again. 

In another words she wants a guarantee, even though she gave you none and you never had one. 

She wants you to take a leap of faith and believe she will never cheat again, but she doesn't want to wait any amount of time to give you time to recover.

She needs to be worried about making it up to you.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Triggers are normal.

I presume you are in R.

Good lucks.

You feel that she is not there for you, She was not there for you when the cheating was going on. Is she truly remorseful?

Success in R requires a great amount of efforts from her. Did you discuss this with her? Are you both in counseling?


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

I feel you should also be taking care of yourself and doing things for you such as exercising and developing new or old hobbies etc


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## butternutsquash (Jun 1, 2012)

*ewing*



In_The_Wind said:


> I feel you should also be taking care of yourself and doing things for you such as exercising and developing new or old hobbies etc



I have been thank you. Its hard though.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

We are at 13 months since D day and I still have ups and downs. They are not as extreme as they once were. We are starting to build trust again but it is a slow process

I do know what you are going through. I woke up at 3:00 and started running things around in my head. In the past I would just get ticked off and angry. This morning when that happend I went for a run, came home showered made myself a big breakfast and started working at about 5:30. Try to turn the negative into a positive

Good Luck
Mike


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## butternutsquash (Jun 1, 2012)

*ewing*



mahike said:


> We are at 13 months since D day and I still have ups and downs. They are not as extreme as they once were. We are starting to build trust again but it is a slow process
> 
> I do know what you are going through. I woke up at 3:00 and started running things around in my head. In the past I would just get ticked off and angry. This morning when that happend I went for a run, came home showered made myself a big breakfast and started working at about 5:30. Try to turn the negative into a positive
> 
> ...



Thanks Mike. Its hard to wake up feeling like crying again. I guess i have to push through again and try not to dwell


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

I think this is the stage every BS who wanted to R without WW/WH showing true remorse or rug swept the A goes through after a period of lovey dovey R. So this is why on TAM we advise BS to wait and take their own time, R only when WS is truly remorseful and beg on knee for forgiveness.


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

*Re: question*



butternutsquash said:


> She hasn't told me that she loves me often.
> 
> I don't feel like she has done enough to help me get over the hurt she caused.
> 
> When we talked she worried that I would never get over it and *i wound up comforting her. *I'm hurt and i feel like she isn't there for me. How do i deal with this?


Exactly - I have experienced this too often. Makes me wonder if I am more hurt or she :scratchhead:. My hurt remains as it is, or deepens.


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## butternutsquash (Jun 1, 2012)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> I think this is the stage every BS who wanted to R without WW/WH showing true remorse or rug swept the A goes through after a period of lovey dovey R. So this is why on TAM we advise BS to wait and take their own time, R only when WS is truly remorseful and beg on knee for forgiveness.



can you tell what the abbreviations stand for?


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

butternutsquash said:


> can you tell what the abbreviations stand for?


BS = betrayed spouse
R = reconcilliation (?) sorry terrible at spelling
WW = Wandering Wife
WH = Wandering husband
WS = Wandering Spouse


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## butternutsquash (Jun 1, 2012)

*ewing*

I don't feel i should talk to her about her need to actually making amends. I think this is something that should come from her and would be much more powerful coming from her. Any advice on that?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Ask her point blank if she had any idea how much she hurt you. Ask her to list the ways that she hurt you. Ask her to sum up what you are trying to deal with. Then you can see if she has really thought about it or not. If she has tried to have a look from your perspective.

She owns the cheating 100%. Unless she was raped, she was the gatekeeper, and she let the OM into your marriage. Does she understand that?


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## butternutsquash (Jun 1, 2012)

*ewing*



SadandAngry said:


> Ask her point blank if she had any idea how much she hurt you. Ask her to list the ways that she hurt you. Ask her to sum up what you are trying to deal with. Then you can see if she has really thought about it or not. If she has tried to have a look from your perspective.
> 
> She owns the cheating 100%. Unless she was raped, she was the gatekeeper, and she let the OM into your marriage. Does she understand that?




I think she does but she just wants it to go away. I feel like if she wants me to stay she has to nurse me. She has to start telling me she loves me so i believe her. She has to start going out of her way to convince me that she is someone i want to stay with.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

butternutsquash said:


> I don't feel i should talk to her about her need to actually making amends. I think this is something that should come from her and would be much more powerful coming from her. Any advice on that?


Hi
She might not know what she needs to do. Maybe she thinks she is doing what is required. 
As BSs we all require different things from our WS in order to move on. Some of us want all the details. Some don't. Some need to set an hour a day aside for discussion, some not so much. There are certain things that you have to spell out for her. 

On the flip side there are some things she should be doing without question. Such as total transparency, complete ownership of the A, no blameshifting etc etc.

There is an excellent sticky here somewhere that spells it all out and will help her to understand how you are feeling and what you need from her. I'm on my phone at the moment so can post the link for you. Will have a look when I'm on my pc later.

My H and I are 6 months into R after his A. And yes there are good days and. Ad, but H is doing ALL the heavy lifting. His actions prove to me that he is truly sorry and remorseful. What are her actions (not words) telling you?
Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

> I think she does but she just wants it to go away. I feel like if she wants me to stay she has to nurse me. She has to start telling me she loves me so i believe her. She has to start going out of her way to convince me that she is someone i want to stay with.


This is how I felt...and still do. Unfortunately STBXWW doesn't seem to get it...or doesn't care.

I wrote her messages out lining exactly what I needed from her. I told her on many occasions what I needed as well. I tried to discuss it with her a couple times a week but she would just shut down. She just never really did any of it...certainly none of the heavy lifting. In fact, many times, she would do the opposite of what I needed. I feel she resented me telling her what I needed from her. I took her 8 months just to see a therapist. She quit going after a couple of months. She never opened up and told me the whole truth about her affair...wouldn't answer simple questions. She wouldn't even remove the passwords from her phone and computer. Showed no real remorse...I never even got a heart felt apology. She would not become completely transparent with her whereabouts. She would only admit where she went during the day if I asked...but I also got the attitude. Even then, she would leave things out. It seems like she doesn't want to give up anything...or feels she doesn't have to. She is unwilling to accept any consequences for her actions.

I needed emotional and physical intimacy with her as well. She seemed to not be real interested in that either. We never had any HB per say. That would have helped me. In the end she would just blame shift and everything became my fault. She even say's "you're the one who is divorcing me". Like I had a choice.

So, for a year I was on the roller coaster from hell. Ups and down...mostly downs. I finally had enough...and filed. Once you get strong enough you realize that you can't live like this anymore. I arrived at the point where I was willing to trade the hell of limbo for uncertainty.


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

When my first wife cheated on me I tried counseling and everything I could to try to love her again. After about 8 years I decided to start cheating on her because the pain ate at me so much. I ended up divorcing her because the feelings never went away. I am now in my second marriage (12 years today). I don't think you will ever have those feelings leave you.


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## butternutsquash (Jun 1, 2012)

she has no desperation. If she really cared


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Quoted by butternutsquash:
I think she does but she just wants it to go away. I feel like if she wants me to stay she has to nurse me. She has to start telling me she loves me so i believe her. She has to start going out of her way to convince me that she is someone i want to stay with.

She wounded you, terribly, so yes, she should be nursing you back to full health again! 

And if she is just not 'getting it', tell her what you need. If she still doesn't get it, you know there is no hope. Limbo is hell, and a spouse who just does not get it has not only caused the hell, but they are watching you burn in that hell with not so much as a flammable rope to make efforts to pull you out. 

As a poster above said, read the sticky (or is it just a post...it is called 'Welcome to TAM newbies, read this' or words to that effect. There is some good info on there, and further down the is a post about being in the sea of mistrust or something. It is an amazing bit of writing that spells out exactly what you are feeling and exactly what you need to heal. I felt truly enlightened and vindicated in my pain and my requests of alleviation of my pain after that. I was reasonable for god's sake...more than reasonable! Before that I was consistently told that I was just making things worse, dragging it up, continuing the pain....WTF! Now I know better. Print it out and give it to her to read. If that doesn't hit the spot, nothing will.


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## butternutsquash (Jun 1, 2012)

Remains said:


> Quoted by butternutsquash:
> I think she does but she just wants it to go away. I feel like if she wants me to stay she has to nurse me. She has to start telling me she loves me so i believe her. She has to start going out of her way to convince me that she is someone i want to stay with.
> 
> She wounded you, terribly, so yes, she should be nursing you back to full health again!
> ...



Thank you but i dont think i can do it. She listens when i tell her things now but i dont want a dog. I want a wife. I've felt the pressure of breathing hope for her and our relationship for so long. She's had chances to step up and earn forgiveness. I think i just want to leave.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I can understand that. Totally. 

There is only so much one can give. Only so much effort one can make, when the wrong is so very much from the other's actions. 

I wish you luck.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

> Thank you but i dont think i can do it. She listens when i tell her things now but i dont want a dog. I want a wife. I've felt the pressure of breathing hope for her and our relationship for so long. She's had chances to step up and earn forgiveness. I think i just want to leave.


This is what my STBXW did. She would not take the initiative and step up with out being asked and even then, remained detached and reluctant. I needed her to want deeply to fix things or at least talk about them. I needed it to be her decision and desire to make amends. I needed to see a sense of urgency from her and of course, empathy for me. She needed to bust her ass and earn back trust and then my forgiveness. I wanted so badly to forgive her but it became obvious that she didn't value that or me...so I could not. Divorce was the only answer. I needed to find my piece again. I couldn't do that with her.

The bottom line is: If she is not doing anything to correct the situation...it is because she doesn't want to. With her attitude there is nothing you can do. You can't change her, she has to want to change and put in effort.


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## butternutsquash (Jun 1, 2012)

Decimated said:


> This is what my STBXW did. She would not take the initiative and step up with out being asked and even then, remained detached and reluctant. I needed her to want deeply to fix things or at least talk about them. I needed it to be her decision and desire to make amends. I needed to see a sense of urgency from her and of course, empathy for me. She needed to bust her ass and earn back trust and then my forgiveness. I wanted so badly to forgive her but it became obvious that she didn't value that or me...so I could not. Divorce was the only answer. I needed to find my piece again. I couldn't do that with her.
> 
> The bottom line is: If she is not doing anything to correct the situation...it is because she doesn't want to. With her attitude there is nothing you can do. You can't change her, she has to want to change and put in effort.



It sounds bad but right I'm just wondering what's in it for me. I know she is sorry and i know she wants things to work out. That doesn't stop me from living my life in doubt and filling unfulfilled. I'm not sure if its fair to ask that question and consider leaving when she isn't currently doing anything mean but it is how i feel.


Things have changed with her since D day. She sees a therapist, she listens to me more, she is willing to leave the house, she doesn't complain near as much, etc. I just don't see how* we're *going to improve. Despite all this she has very little energy for me. I don't want to be doubtful, hurt, and celibate.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

> It sounds bad but right I'm just wondering what's in it for me. I know she is sorry and i know she wants things to work out. That doesn't stop me from living my life in doubt and filling unfulfilled. I'm not sure if its fair to ask that question and consider leaving when she isn't currently doing anything mean but it is how i feel.


At least she is sorry. I really don't think mine was...she never said it. The only sorry I got from her was when I discovered her EA was actually a PA. She said with a look of shame..."sorry"...that's it. That's why living with her was filled with doubt and unfulfilled. 



> Things have changed with her since D day. She sees a therapist, she listens to me more, she is willing to leave the house, she doesn't complain near as much, etc. I just don't see how we're going to improve. Despite all this she has very little energy for me. I don't want to be doubtful, hurt, and celibate.


I can't live with the doubt, hurt and celibacy anymore either. The doubt and hurt are always there because she seems to want them there. She doesn't want to fix that. We have had sex since I have filed but it seems just physical. It is obvious that she is disconnected emotionally. That is not going to be enough for me...I need the whole thing...emotional and physical energy. I needed to see and feel her desire for me again. It's just not there anymore and she doesn't want to try to get it back.


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