# Should I reconcile with my ex?



## Ms.Skeptical (May 15, 2009)

My husband and I were together for 10 yrs, married for 7, and have 3 wonderful kids. I found out Feb. '08 that he had been having an affair since Sept. '07. I stuck around hoping that the affair would end, he would lie and say it did and I would find out a few months later that it hadn't. This happended 3 or 4 months. After finding out the last time, I left him and moved out in Oct.08 - moving in with family. I love my Ex to death (which is why I gave him so many darn chances) and we remained totally cool while I lived with my family. I finally recentally was finiancialy capable to support myself and the kids and I got my own place in February and his attitude tword me totally changed. I met a guy who I really like and we have been dating for about 4 months now but as the time goes by all I seem to remember about my Ex is the good times and the life that I absoulutly loved! the bad things start to seem like a distant memory. Distant of course until we hang out or spend the weekend with eachother and all I can do is think about all the things that he's done and the way he treated me long before an affiar ruined us. (he's never been the considerate or appreciativetype) That past couple weeks though I've really been missing him and missing my family. We've been talking about trying to make it work. He says that he now knows that he never treated me the way I deserved and if we get back together; He'll be the husband I always wanted, the man that he should have been and will NEVER hurt me ever again. I'm torn because most recently as yesterday I found out he's still lying to me about the things he's currently doing. Now granted we're not together... it does sway my decision. He says I either make the decision to get back with him and things will change or I can't say anything about what he's doing. I guess I'm not sure if I miss the thought of him and my routine or do I really miss him? I don't want to try and it doesn't work out and I gave up the new relationship that is complelety innocent (no bad memories!!) and most definilty don't want to try and it not work out and my kids have to go thru it again!!!! I just don't know what to do! Can people really change?


----------



## in denial (May 15, 2009)

I'm a counselor, so im optomistic that people can change. the catch is that they want to change and are willing to go through all of the grueling work to make that happen. I'm separated myself and left my husband for the same reason- he cheated on my with a co-worker. Even though i love him to death and am constantly fighting the urge to go back home, i know that i deserve better, and dont know if he's ready to look at himself to change. 

my husband is actually a great guy: he cooks, cleans, doesnt argue, isnt mean. he's a great catch, but he has relationship and self esteem issues. without addressing those, he will continue to do this to me and use. 

i dont know if this helps at all, but i dont know how committed to change your ex is if he's already being defensive and hasn't given up his extra relationships. this is the time he should be trying his hardest to win you over, what does it say that he isn't?


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

My first reaction is no. But if you want to save your marriage, give it a try. If he continues to lie & cheat...definately leave!


----------



## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Can't say I agree with In Denial. I've been in group therapy for the last 8 months and I've seen first hand positive changes people have made with their spouses, children, family and their bosses for the better. Your ex may be capable of change, maybe not. Before your ready to make a commitment to him again, test the waters. Go to councelling, date him, etc.. Make it clear it's just the TWO of you again. Any third parties you are both involved with end them. You may be surprised. The first step to any real change is acknowledgement, taking responsibility and making a firm plan to change. I would also tell him if he relapses again you are gone for good this time! Unfortunately there are no guarantees but you two owe it to your children to really make a good effort and try to salvage your relationship. Good Luck.


----------



## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Oops, sorry In Denial I thought you posted people were incapable of change. I need some more coffee this morning.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Ms.Skeptical-

There is only one way to look at this: If he were capable of change he would be doing it now. He speaks of a future change. That's pie in the sky. 

I'm sure he can change, but you need to wait until he *has* changed.

You are right to be sceptical.


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

I know you miss what you think he was but the reality of what he actually was, A CHEATER... 
may be coming blurred.

I'd say you should forget him since you have already uprooted your life.. would also not be good for the kids to be bounced around back and forth. Work on taking care of yourself and creating a stable homelife, not reuniting with a cheating ex.


----------

