# Blackmail



## Haley (Apr 22, 2011)

My husband is in a long distance EA, and says that if I expose (again) to OW's hubby, that her hubby will leave her, she'll be single and more available to my husband.

He says they both want to give their marriages a chance and are trying to say their goodbyes (gag). That it's in my best interest if OW stays married.

This is such stupidity I don't even know how to respond. My husband knows I'm not ready to give up and kick him out, so he's taking advantage. I told him this sounds like blackmail.

Any comments?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Expose away and kick him out!

That is such a blame-shifting load of tripe.

He can't make his cheating your fault--period.

Do you really want him when he is this way?

Yuck.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

As my cousin says, "How pretty."

So he is telling you not to call out his affair or he may end up with OW as a result?

LOL. Tell the OW's husband and if your husband leaves, he just did you a massive favor. You could even open up the door for him and let him out.

Emotional blackmail is so sh-tty.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Expose.

Husband is just threatening/bluffing trying to get you to not expose.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Wow! What a load of [email protected]!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Expose the affair to her husband--and anyone else who would care. And while you are at it show your husband where the door is. My stbx did all of that crap too. It's really no surprise I have been in therapy for almost three years. All of that emotional abuse takes a toll. You may want to find a good therapist too.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It is straight up abusive, like 827 said. 

My ex pulled the "If you don't sign my greencard I am going to file for divorce." I signed it and he filed. 

Omg. sometimes I get so depressed thinking about all this bullchit!

Anyway what I am saying is that if he's threatening you to leave you if you don't placate him, tell him See ya! Who does he think he is? Batman?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It's Ghengis Khan Warfare Time. Burn the city to the ground and kill all the inhabitants. Make a statement they talk about for 500 years.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Runs, your posts make me laugh. They are very short and sound like twisted fortune cookies sometimes. LOL.


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> It's Ghengis Khan Warfare Time. Burn the city to the ground and kill all the inhabitants. Make a statement they talk about for 500 years.


 Hey, Don't forget to sow the land with salt so that nothing will grow there!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Someone told me once I'm the longest fuse attached to the biggest bomb. You can push and push and push and push and I won't do a thing until one day BOOOOOOOOOOOM. It's raining meat. You were warned.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Someone told me once I'm the longest fuse attached to the biggest bomb. You can push and push and push and push and I won't do a thing until one day BOOOOOOOOOOOM. It's raining meat. You were warned.


Next time someone asks me what "passive aggressive" means, I will use that. LOL


TO the poster... what you describe is kind of like this..

You walk into the bedroom and find your husband schtooking some lady... he says " can ya close the door so i can finish?" you close the door and wait outside .... he comes out and says " sorry about that, lets fix this"

Im pretty sure that qualifies as a "hell to the no" 

my 2 cents.


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

Expose. 

Does "trying to say goodbye" mean trying to pull out of her vagina? Because he's prob still in it. 

Don't take the bait.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

OW husband definitly should know. Your H prob doesnf believe you will kick him out so he wont end it and u know it, pack his bags put them on the front porch. Change the locks and leave one of the nice consequence lettes that are out there.
Good luck I hear slow is fast in this battle?!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Doc (Apr 14, 2011)

I have the same situation and my W told me not call, that she didnt want to ruin the OM family, I said that I didnt give a F*** what happens to them. If she want to be with the OM I give her the divorce, and she can take her stuff and bills and go, she knew that she wont be able to support herself and the kids, she just want a relationship w possible benefits. Right know we are working in our marriage, we working in our communication, and she is commited to fix our marriage. I ask her for her passwords and e-mails accounts, she gave them to me w/o making a fight.

his telling you that "both want to give their marriages a chance", so that mean OW is in a FOG too, maybe her H want to fix their marriage too, but you dont know that till you tell the OWH. 

Your H is in the loosing side, he know if you tell the OWH, she's going to stop talking to him and try to fix her marriage. Did you ask your H if he wants the divorce, if he said no that means he knows that he will lose a lot and he dont want that, he just want a relationship with posible benefits, and you are stoping that for him.

"Dr. Gregory House: Your four weeks just expired. Your reign of terror is over. Mine has just begun."

You need to start thinking on your marriage. 
he knows what he want, what do you want?
You want to be crying all the time for someone that dont give you the respect you deserve?

In my opinion I would tell him pack your s*** and go.


"Dr. Eric Foreman: It's the perfect marriage: there's nothing to fight about if you never talk about anything. Dr House MD"


Sorry English 2nd Language


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## bird (Apr 7, 2011)

hes a loser. set him up, buy a keylogger and take everything.


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## Haley (Apr 22, 2011)

Hey, sorry guys, I didn't mean to disappear. It's been a crazy weekend. Both of my elderly parents have ended up in the emergency room.

Thank you for all the replies.

I know I need to leave him. It's just so hard. We've been together 29 years, married 27 and have a special needs child. We're broke, in debt, and I don't make enough to support myself and my child. And yes, I know that ultimately, these are all just excuses.

I've tried therapy, with 2 different counselors that didn't seem to work out. I'm not sure if the problem was me or them. We've tried marriage counseling, but H was not cooperative. I can't install a key logger because H does computers for a living and is waaaay more knowledgable in that area. So my snooping is limited. 

Facebook is the most evil thing ever invented. And yes, I know the arguments that it's not facebook itself, cheaters would find other ways, etc, but it makes it way too easy. I hate it.

I understand fog, cake eating, and gas lighting. And I see all of that in my situation. But I just wondered if any other betrayed spouse had ever had exposure thrown back at them like this, and how they responded. I see by your responses that some of you have been thru this. I guess I'm just looking for a way to respond to a crazy request from a lying person. And I know there's no hope.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I hope your parents are okay. Your H is giving you an ultimatum....why on Earth would you even tolerate that? Your exposing to the OW H won't end her marriage, her screwing around on him will.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Tell OW's H today.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

I too hope your parents are ok. Here are some things it took me a while to realize. 
It's ok to ask for help with your situation and use your real world resources friends family church, look for a BAN group in your area.

Follow affaircares 7 Steps to ending an Affair, I was so confused it took me months and meds to get it.
do each step let it work.
Stop at the step that stops the affair.
Realize you can live your life without him, the sooner you act like you don't care then the theory would be he will see your self confidence realize you will live and be ok without him and he will have to reevaluate.

The OW husband absolutley should know. Maybe they will split up maybe she is lying to your H and OW H will fight for his M.

Expose to OW husband at the least.

Get a individual councillor for yourself, confide in a safe friend. You will get through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Hope your parents are okay. I know about that too. 





Haley said:


> I know I need to leave him. It's just so hard. We've been together 29 years, married 27 and have a special needs child. We're broke, in debt, and I don't make enough to support myself and my child. And yes, I know that ultimately, these are all just excuses.


Unfortunately I can relate to this statement as well. My stbx and I had been together 27 years. I had the same fear of being completely without money for a number of years. I think that's one of the reasons I tolerated so much crap for so long. It is another form of blackmail. Get legal advice. You may be surprised about how much a judge might award you. 

You might be surprised about how much his affair is really costing you. When my husband got in his "fog" he destroyed a business which grossed over $6 million in sales annually. In addition, he gutted the business and didn't pay suppliers, and landed us in all kind of legal problems. I would file for bankruptcy, but I'm too broke for that. With all that said, I'm a happier person flat out broke.....and not having to put up with the mental abuse and all the other crap which accompanied his affairs.

When I finally got enough back-bone to disclose my husband's affairs and perverted lifestyle, I did. I should have done that two years earlier. It was amazing how supportive everyone was towards me. Most people had no idea. I suffered no repercussion; it lifted my soul. It didn't phase my husband one bit though.

Don't buy into the blackmail threats. What your husband is doing is unacceptable. It is abuse.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

...and you buy this? Really, you know what to do so just do it already.


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## Haley (Apr 22, 2011)

Thanks for your replies.

My parents survived the weekend. They each have different health problems, but it's day by day on both of them.

No, I don't buy into his line. But, I guess it might actually have a grain of truth in it. OW's husband might be so fed up by now, that this is the last straw for him. She was ready to leave her kids and travel cross country to meet my husband while she was married. If she's single, it'd be less complicated for her. 

And my husband won't make a firm commitment to me. And ultimately that's the problem. He won't commit. He wants to work on our marriage and enjoy the safety and comfort of our relationship and home while he's actively searching for "the real thing". He's an a$$ and I'm too scared to let go. Too scared of the unknown. I see if for what it is, but just feel really stuck in a bad situation.

He does seem to be trying a little. I don't think he's chatting on line as much. If he is, he's hiding it better. He's been more attentive. He helped me with my parents. He made comments that he liked how I stood up and handled some things. I think the issues with my parents took our attention off our problems. Even with all the bad stuff that was going on, on a relationship level, we had a pretty good weekend. I know that sounds weird.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Haley, glad to hear your parents are OK. 

You cannot live a life with a man who is not fully committed to you, if he is in withdrawal then there is a chance however as it reads like he is actively still in the affair or seeking one you have to make decisions for yourself. No matter how well you plan A him or be the best wife you can he will not see you as the woman he loves until he breaks all contact with the OW and has had no contact for some time. 

As this is not likely to happen soon , prepare for the worst. Move moneys to a secure account, read up on the 180 and put it into motion then start making his affair uncomfortable, either by exposing it to a broader group of people or not accepting his behavior in your marriage, sit on him all the time until the affair breaks or he leaves , even if the latter is not what you want.

You require the marriage boundaries to be set high and adhered to , he either agrees to them or leaves, if he leaves you show no quarter and take what is justly yours by law. Realization only hits many men when their finances are compromised. The fantasy for the OW will die very quickly when he cannot afford her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So are you going to tell OW's husband or not?



Haley said:


> And my husband won't make a firm commitment to me. And ultimately that's the problem. He won't commit. He wants to work on our marriage and enjoy the safety and comfort of our relationship and home while he's actively searching for "the real thing".


That is a major problem. He has the world on a platter and you have...what?



Eli-Zor said:


> You cannot live a life with a man who is not fully committed to you


Actually, you CAN live a life w/ someone who isn't fully committed to you. But it's a joke. A farce of a "marriage." You basically give them everything they want and get nothing in return.

Sad.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Tough spot Haley, I wish you all the best and hope you find a way to call his ultimatum.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Haley said:


> He's an a$$ and I'm too scared to let go. Too scared of the unknown. I see if for what it is, but just feel really stuck in a bad situation.


It's ok to be afraid. Eventually we become strong enough to break free of our fears. 



> *He made comments that he liked how I stood up and handled some things.* I think the issues with my parents took our attention off our problems. Even with all the bad stuff that was going on, on a relationship level, we had a pretty good weekend. I know that sounds weird.


No it doesn't. The more you respect yourself and refuse to be anybody's doormat, the more people will respect you, including your DH - dumba** husband.


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