# For those who got married young . . .



## whathappenedtous (Jun 14, 2010)

. . . 22 or younger. Do you feel like you missed on on an important part of life? I have been married 13 years and got married when I was 21. I went from living at my parents house to being married. I know none of this is my husbands fault, but I just feel like I missed out on a part of life I wish I experienced. Anyone else feel like this?


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

I was 21 when I got married, however I had been away at college for 4 years, lived in an apartment on my own for a bit and had done some traveling as well, so I don't think I missed out too much on things like that. Yes, I would love to travel some more, but I look forward to being able to do it with my Husband. I think what I miss the most is the dating scene. My H was only the 2nd guy I dated and so I don't have a lot of experience when it comes to guys and recently we have spoken about variety of partners and what it would be like to be with other people....


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

I don't feel I "missed out on anything". The problem I see with marrying young is that in many cases you are still changing radically into the "true adult" that one day you'll become. I guess marrying at 21 is sort of like buying a jacket at 12, and wondering why it no longer fits when you graduate high school.

To put it a little more succinctly, at 18 my wife and I were soul mates. At 25 we were friends. At 30 we were partners. At 35 we were aquaintances. At 40 we are strangers. *"The jacket just doesn't fit anymore,"* and that's the main problem I see with marrying young.

LIL


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## elhi13 (Apr 28, 2010)

To put it a little more succinctly, at 18 my wife and I were soul mates. At 25 we were friends. At 30 we were partners. At 35 we were aquaintances. At 40 we are strangers. *"The jacket just doesn't fit anymore,"* and that's the main problem I see with marrying young.


:lol: Wow..last in line hit it on the nail...I got married at 17, had 2 children by 23...hit a couple of dips in the road..I am now 44 years old...wondering about life and is this where I want to be at in 20 years...and even though I have no regrets with getting married young. I just don't want to live in a loveless, sexless marriage anymore. I have recommended to my kids not to do it young..so far..so good.....they are 21 and 26...


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Well, my first marriage ended, but I did get married that time at the age of 21. My marriage didn't end because I felt like I missed out on anything; he might have felt that way, in fact probably did based on his behavior. Although I'm not him, nor am I trained to get inside anyone's head, so...But anyway, I didn't feel like I missed out on anything. Would I have felt differently had the marriage lasted? I don't know. Maybe, but I doubt it. I was never the type that was into the single life anyway; I like being part of a couple, having that connection and commitment, so I think I would have been happy. I lived on my own for some time before getting married, I did the whole dating scene, the partying with friends, etc. I was very young, yes, but I'd done most of the stuff people want to do before getting married; whatever I didn't do, I didn't want to do anyway. Even now, after my divorce, and before meeting my boyfriend, I didn't date much, but that's because I didn't want to. I met my boyfriend and he made me want to be with him. I don't feel I missed out on anything here, either. 

Keep in mind, though, that some stuff doesn't have to be missed out on. No, you can't date other men or have sex with other men (or women, if that floats your boat), but in terms of going out with friends, things like that, you can still do that. Obviously, it has to be modified to fit the confines of marriage (you can't stay out all night, unless your hubby knows and is cool with it), but you can still get some of those experiences you feel like you're missing out on.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

My wife and I married when I was 22 and she was 20. We had our first kid about 11 months later (not planned). I can be 100% honest when I say that I have 0 regrets about anything. For any complaints I do have about my wife at times she IS my best friend and my lover. We have now been married for over a decade and 4 children later she is still just as beautiful as the day I met her.

We can choose to live life in the past with regrets or shame. We can choose to live in the future with worry and stress. Or, we can live for today and just focus on what we have now. Why live life worry about what was or what may be?

Do I have a stress less marriage? No, we have our ups and downs just like everyone else. So did I miss out on an important part of life? Hell no. I found my wife and I have 4 awesome kids. I regret nothing.


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## Eraz2010 (Apr 1, 2010)

I'm on my 2nd marriage and we've done over 10 yrs spliced together now...but my first I was one week over 21.

I have to agree that 21 was just too young! That was a long time ago now, but I tend to reflect on that bad decision of mine (and my lack of maturity in having the guts to call it all off) by realising I didn't know who I was, let alone who my then wife was. That jacket analogy seems to work well.

Thats not to say it can't or won't work... and Crypsys proves it... but my advice would be "whats the big hurry?"... I've had friends rush into it, usually through religious/family moral pressure only to find their elders passing away and leaving them in a loveless marriage, in middle-age, and all alone.


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## SweetiepieMI (Jan 22, 2010)

I got married when I was 18 yrs old to my bf whom I had been dating for 2 yrs. I too went from living with the fam to moving in with hubs. Im now 22, still happily married and have a 2 yr old. 

I have thought about the "what- ifs" and sometimes feel like I am missing out on things that my peers are doing. And feel the added stress of a marriage, bills, child, just more responsibility overall. BUT I still would not give it up. I believe with big decisions, there are pro's and con's. There's always going to be that thought of "would the grass be greener....." but heres the thing.

I love my husband and I love my family that we've created. I still get out and can do things that I enjoy, as does he. Sure some cute guy hits on you, your heart may beat a little faster, but im sure his does too on occasion. The point is that we always have eachother to trust and we both kno we will be there for eachother no matter what...

So yes, I do get those feelings, but as soon as they come they go, because I know that I am lucky to have someone whom I can spend my life with...

(psst. This by no means that we dont argue or have our 
disagreements, believe me we do, the point is we can work them out and have grown together)


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## whathappenedtous (Jun 14, 2010)

I love the jacket analogy. I just really want to squeeze myself back into that jacket and I am having trouble figuring out how to do it . . .


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

lastinline said:


> at 18 my wife and I were soul mates. At 25 we were friends. At 30 we were partners. At 35 we were aquaintances. At 40 we are strangers. "The jacket just doesn't fit anymore," and that's the main problem I see with marrying young.
> 
> LIL


Let's see if this makes anyone look at it differently. My marriage:


at 28 my wife and I were soul mates. At 35 we were friends. At 40 we were partners. At 45 we were aquaintances. At 48 we are strangers. 

I don't know if marrying young gives it a better chance of happening, but it's not the only reason.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I got married when I was 20, but I also went from high school graduation straight to boot camp. I don't really feel like I missed anything at all. I stayed in until I was 24, so I think I got most of my life experience that I would have felt I missed during and before marriage anyway.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It is possible to marry that young, have a strong relationship, and enjoy those experiences _together_. However, few young adults are sufficiently educated or trained to be able to do that; in the early 20s you are really just feeling your way along, and the first thing that suffers is the marriage because you don't have the skills to figure it out and fix it. Then, 10-15 years later, you're in a boring, unfulfilling relationship with a stranger.

Plus, as has been noted, you are not done 'changing' usually til you're at least 25, as all your new 'adult' experiences are molding who you are.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I fell in love with my wife the moment I first saw her and I didn’t even know her name, she was sixteen I was going on nineteen. My love for her lasted over forty years. We split up six months ago and haven’t spoken since. We had two fine sons, traveled the world together and lived and worked in different countries. My wife got herself into a mind set that whenever she looked back all she could see were the tough times, none of the joy and happiness. She held onto resentment for decades and it just got too much for me.

I have thousands of photographs of the places we’ve been and the joy and happiness we shared which I’m just making into movie with a sound track of the music from the different times. It’s a gift for myself, my wife and our sons, I’m hoping she’s going to get pleasure from it.

I’m now sixty-one and by myself for the first time in my life. I consider myself to have been really blessed to have had love for such a very long time. I think in time I may meet someone who I’ll want to be with but then again I doubt it, I’m in no hurry at all.

Bob


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## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

People change throughout their lives...not just at certain ages. We grow continuously. 

If you always look back at the past and think "what if?" then you'll get curious and want to explore other options eventually. You should always look towards the future, not the past...you can't change the past and you most likely won't get those experiences back that you thought you missed.

Look to the future, plan what you want as a couple and work towards those plans. If the jacket doesn't fit...maybe you need to lose some weight? You don't always need a new jacket...


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Well...at 16 we were soulmates...at 20 we were almost strangers and now at 25 we're getting closer to the soulmate phase again. I didn't believe the 'you change a lot when you're around 24' but it's very true apparently. I changed a lot during the past two years or so. If i didn't consciously try to stick together to my husband, even when he bugged the hell out of me and seemed so different, we'd have split until now. Would have been a pitty because now we're actually happy together.


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## SweetiepieMI (Jan 22, 2010)

Good advice lola


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Got married at the age of 20 (8th anniversary upcoming this autumn). Never felt like I missed out on things because I got married. I thought that all the things I supposedly would be missing out on I would do with my Husband anyway. 

Whether I actually have been "catching up" on things with my Husband (he is 10 years older than me), it is another story. I don't think in terms of "would'a, could'a, should'a". 

What I think about (and sometimes obsess about) is "why wouldn't it be, why couldn't it be, why shouldn't it be", now, with my Husband at my side.


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## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

I got married at 22, together since 20 and now I'm 25 but I don't feel like I missed out on anything either. Thought I'd do whatever I didn't get a chance to do with my husband.
I'm not a big party girl, but we did have our fun with friends by just hanging out or going clubbing on special occasions, picnics and vacations and just doing "fun" stuff. But that was just in the beginning.

I also never really dated before my husband but I don't feel like I missed out on that either. I was never too keen on that anyway..too picky


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## NotGoodEnough (Apr 22, 2010)

I married young too, engaged at 19, married at 20 and now at 24 I ask the "what ifs".. H and I nearly divorced and were separated recently but we're trying to figure things out now (still unsure). During the begining of our separation I wished I had never met the guy and asked myself all sorts of questions, I asked him even more questions..Truth is we're always changing, not changing so much but growing..As we get older our views change due to experiences of our own, friends, family, outside influences, etc. Life teaches you so much, I'm only 24 now but I feel like I’ve been through a lot and I know now that I'm not that naive, sheltered, shy 19 year old girl anymore. Sure my core values and beliefs remain the same but even those have been adjusted a tad bit, I'm not so black and white anymore, I see the grey and am a bit more flexable. We’re just constantly growing! I’ve had a lot of the “what if’s” because I’ve never been in any other relationship but with my H..he’s been my first everything. I wasn’t interested in the guys who approached me, I was too consumed with everything else life was throwing at me; didn’t have time nor the desire for a date or relationship. Maybe I was just too darn picky? Whatever the case I didn’t care that I was young and getting married, I figured I’ll experience life, see the world and everything for the first time with my H. right?
It wasn’t until earlier this year when I found inappropriate emails/conversations he and his ex girlfriend were sending to each other that I asked the “what if’s” and wished I hadn’t gotten married so young. I had so many regrets! There’s always pros in cons in every situation; We’re not living in some fantasy made up land, in reality we have to experience difficulties, challenges and realize that we are in control most of the time and sometimes we're not but we can choose how to handle what life throws us. Sometimes we get screwed, other times we’re happy and feel like we’re in heaven and living "the life".. It’s not always going to be pretty but just know what you really want out of life and live it according to your goals, dreams and aspirations. Asking the “what if’s” doesn’t make anyone bad just means we’re growing and seeing things in a different light, people do change and sometimes even for the better, lol
My only advice for those getting married young; if you’re dream is to finish school (as mine was my undergraduate) FINISH SCHOOL FIRST!!!! Marriage isn’t easy, you need to invest time and energy into it just like anything else so get school out of the way if you desire too. I got married young but I had warned my H that my #1 goal was to complete my BSN and he promised me he would support me and assist in any way, etc etc but after we were married all I kept hearing was that I was too busy and always too tired.. What do you expect when you work full time and go to school full time and get home at 11pm every night M-F? Of course I would be tired but for some reason his thick head didn’t get it. He hasn’t worked so hard in his life so my crazy, busy lifestyle of being a full time employee, student, wife and daughter didn’t make any sense to him and he made my life hell! Get school out of the way then you’ll have more time for them, you won’t have to listen to some lame ass excuse as to why they would have an emotional affair and break your heart. 
Men are just pigs (sometimes/ & not all of course just mine


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## NotGoodEnough (Apr 22, 2010)

Sorry my post totally went off topic..
I guess I still have a lot of healing to do!


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## Piecukonis (Apr 3, 2010)

We married young (him 19 me 21) and I don't feel like I missed out on anything. He says he doesn't feel that way either. We have our problems like any other marriage that we are commited to working through and I have 0 regrets. I will say that at that age we still had a lot of growing up to do and now that we are growing older and more mature things do change, priorities change and it can affect the relationship. I know I am in it for the long haul. We have had periods of time that we felt like roomates but then I still go through periods where I have butterflies in my stomach when I know he is on his way home from work and we have been together for 9 years.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I also recommend that you finish school and start your career before marrying. That way, you don't end up giving up a dream job just because your spouse says he/she won't move whereever that job is. And spend the rest of your life resenting them for it.


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## hopelessly_devoted (Jun 23, 2010)

my grandparents got married when they were both 16 and are still happily together. my mom married my dad when she was 24 and they are still happily together. i think young marriages can work, but it definitely depends on the couple and the level of maturity there is.


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## f1r3f1y3 (Dec 8, 2009)

Married at 21, now 7 years on and struggling.

It wasn't until 27 when I started truely considering what I wanted in life. I can't believe how different a person I am now to when I was 21.

There were huge red flags in my relationship, even on the DAY of our wedding, I ignored them all cause she was hot 

I don't "regret" getting married because at the time that is what I wanted to do, I was in the moment. What's wrong with that? It wasn't a mistake, I loved her. That it has failed is unfortunate but you can't go back. No regrets, that is life.

I don't regret WHEN I got married, I regret WHO I married! 

Onwards and upwards.

OP: what specifically do you miss? If it's round-the-world experiences and travel, that doesn't have to stop with marriage  It's not a death sentance, not quite anyway


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

f1r3f1y3 said:


> It wasn't until 27 when I started truely considering what I wanted in life. I can't believe how different a person I am now to when I was 21.


That is EXACTLY what I hear from more and more people, over the years. And why I advocate waiting. If you truly love someone, just have a long engagement. Get engaged at 21, and marry at 25.


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