# Wife says "my" to everything.



## mrfrustrated (Jul 17, 2012)

Please help me understand the meaning behind this. No matter what the itme or question is, my wife will refer to everything inthe home as "my".. For example if she wants something from our bedroom, she will ask one of the kids to get it from "my" room. The Tv is "my", the lawnmower is "my", the swimming pool is "my". If she buys something in the store, it's hers, as is every item in the house. Nothing is ever referred to as ours or our. 

Is this normal, or am I missing something here.

I find it very disconcerting it makes me feel as if I -as the onlhy one who works - is working for her benefit, and not the rest of the family.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Tell her how you feel.

I would find that annoying, t oo.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

mrfrustrated said:


> Please help me understand the meaning behind this. No matter what the itme or question is, my wife will refer to everything inthe home as "my".. For example if she wants something from our bedroom, she will ask one of the kids to get it from "my" room. The Tv is "my", the lawnmower is "my", the swimming pool is "my". If she buys something in the store, it's hers, as is every item in the house. Nothing is ever referred to as ours or our.
> 
> Is this normal, or am I missing something here.
> 
> I find it very disconcerting it makes me feel as if I -as the onlhy one who works - is working for her benefit, and not the rest of the family.


Have you ever pointed it out to her? What was her response?

Maybe if you felt appreciated it wouldn't bother you.


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## mrfrustrated (Jul 17, 2012)

She informs me to "get over it"..it's what we do here in the States. I'm from England, and am also 9 years older. I was brought up in an environment where the home was a shared place, not divided into mine and yours.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

mrfrustrated said:


> Please help me understand the meaning behind this. No matter what the itme or question is, my wife will refer to everything inthe home as "my".. For example if she wants something from our bedroom, she will ask one of the kids to get it from "my" room. The Tv is "my", the lawnmower is "my", the swimming pool is "my". If she buys something in the store, it's hers, as is every item in the house. Nothing is ever referred to as ours or our.
> 
> Is this normal, or am I missing something here.
> 
> I find it very disconcerting it makes me feel as if I -as the onlhy one who works - is working for her benefit, and not the rest of the family.


I once worked with a much older woman who told me one time, "Everything of mine is mine and everything of my husband's is mine too!" 

I don't know if that helps, but it was amusing to me.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

mrfrustrated said:


> She informs me to "get over it"..it's what we do here in the States. I'm from England, and am also 9 years older. I was brought up in an environment where the home was a shared place, not divided into mine and yours.


Your wife is full of sh!t. It's NOT what we do in the states, it's what a selfish be-otch does and it sounds like she does it to hurt you purposely.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

It means your wife has set you up to be abused. She managed to pick a man who would be dependent on her, makes everything hers so she can use you as a verbal punching bag.

**see his other post about how he's being abused**


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

She does sound like a bully. Not loving at all.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

mrfrustrated said:


> She informs me to "get over it"..it's what we do here in the States.


Correction: that's what SHE does in the States. Not everyone does this. Promise.

Sounds like my exH. Everythin was "his." He'd even hide my wedding ring from me when he was upset about something and tell me he wouldn't give it back to me because it was "his." 

Okay then.


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## Sprout (Jul 8, 2012)

I often catch myself saying My. I really don't mean anything by it, it's just how it comes out of my brain!


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## Dan Carruthers (Jul 14, 2012)

Conscious, Sub-Conscious or Unconscious, she is being a Selfish One..Moreover she seems rude and unscrupulous..

Seems A Clap Trap, Refractory head She has, and needs Resounding Hits..to clear her uncanny "Head Strength" ..


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## jennz (Jul 14, 2012)

Sometimes I do this, but catch myself and change it to our. I wouldn't like it if he did it, so I am quick to apologize.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Seems we have the same issue. My wife does the same thing. I have pointed this out on several occasions and her way of speaking has not changed. I, like you, have asked myself if I'm reading to much into this. It is frustrating as it does sound that what she does is purely for her and about her and not us. I believe that it will take some soul searching on her part to look at the relationship as a team. This will require that she see you as an equal. I'm working on this too.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

mrfrustrated said:


> She informs me to "get over it"..it's what we do here in the States. I'm from England, and am also 9 years older. I was brought up in an environment where the home was a shared place, not divided into mine and yours.


You are right. The home, the furnishings and appliances are all "ours" aka "community property". For her to call those items "mine" is extremely selfish. Her clothes are hers. Her cosmetics are hers. Her jewelry is hers. Same with your clothes and personal items. The rest belongs to the household, aka "ours".

You should correct her "entitlement issues" and not "get over it" because it is rude and insulting behavior. If she wants things to be "hers" then she should consider being single. Is that what she wants? Is that the purpose of her message?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

"I spent $400 getting that A/C repaired....."

No you did not. I did. You've never held a job. At best "we" spent $400 getting that A/C repaired. But you didn't even make the appointment or talk to the service tech. Hell you don't even turn on the A/C unless it's 83 degrees upstairs and even then you complain bitterly about how cold it is and bury yourself under quilts on the couch as you zonk out in front of Netflix. 

You also didn't pay to replace your transmission in your car, a problem btw that was entirely avoidable if you weren't so stock staring dull about everything.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

So why don't you just start referring to it all as yours? You both know it belongs to both of you.


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## Dan Carruthers (Jul 14, 2012)

Try and see, how she will reflect on it, if you address things as My, Mine etc...


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I think it's because selfish people have huge problems with pronouns.

It's no more difficult to say "the" instead of "my".


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My husband is somewhat like your wife. He refers to our house as "his" because he pays the mortgage. Now, we designed and built the house together and I work full time and contribute to the family finances. But the mortgage payment comes out of his checkbook, so in his mind the house is "his" and he refers to it as such. The cokes that I buy him are also "his" even though I pay for them. I buy them for him, they are his. He would consider it rude if I were just to drink one without asking first. He considers the laptop to be mine and always asks permission to use it, even though I bought it for the family and have told him he doesn't need to ask. 

He's just odd like that. We've never discussed it, but my guess is that he doesn't really grasp the concept of things belonging to the group as a whole. Even jointly owned property he seems to associate automatically with each party owning one portion of the property - two owners, two hundred acres, each owner owns one hundred acres. Some of it is selfishness, some of it is just the way he was brought up, some of it is just the way his engineer's brain works.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I would have no problem with the lawnmower being hers!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheOnceler (Jul 3, 2012)

It's not a 'stateside' thing, that is for certain.

My significant other refers to the car she drives as 'hers', even though I pay for it. but I get the attachment to cars.

Conversely, she lives in MY house. Her name is not on the mortgage. I supplied the down payment by liquidating an asset that I bought LONG before I met her. We were cohabitating and coparenting when I decided to buy the house, and I told her flat out at the time, "You and I are not a couple, and this is not OUR house. It is my house. You can stay here in the rental, or you can come with me."

However, she gets upset if I refer to it as mine, so I try to refrain from doing so now, in the interest of getting along.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I often find myself doing the same thing as your wife. It does speak to a person's subconscious feelings about their relationship. One study showed that in the early stages of relationships, a person who talks about "we" and "our" is more committed and serious than someone who refers to "John and I" or "his and my." 

I was surprised to learn this, because I had taught myself to say "I" and "my" as a way to avoid assumptions that might hurt others' feelings! It was a real eye-opener to learn that when I thought I was being courteous, others might perceive me being distant.

Why does your wife do it? Could be that she has a psychological barrier to being "over-merged" with you and protects her sense of identity. Could be that she thinks it's rude to ask for something that "doesn't belong to her" - and that "our" things are not "her" things. 

What is it that disturbs you so much? Are you afraid that she will try to take everything if she leaves? Do you think it means you don't count in her eyes? Something else? If you can answer that, you might get to the real issue between you.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

"Your son messed up."

"My son is a peach!"


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## Jimena (May 28, 2012)

I generally refer to objects using "the".
I might suggest you analyze how her parents speak. It could partly be that, but she could also just be domineering.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

mrfrustrated said:


> She informs me to "get over it"..it's what we do here in the States. I'm from England, and am also 9 years older. I was brought up in an environment where the home was a shared place, not divided into mine and yours.


I'm sure that's exactly how we did it in the house she grew up in. Looks like there are some big differences in the way you two were brought up. Either obsessive selfishness or damaged trust or both are working against your wife's ability to join with you emotionally. A cultural backdrop that promotes individual assertiveness over partnership allows her to feel justified


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Thinking more about this, it sounds to me like she's insecure and is trying to feel like she has more of a sense of control.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

mrfrustrated said:


> Please help me understand the meaning behind this. No matter what the itme or question is, my wife will refer to everything inthe home as "my".. For example if she wants something from our bedroom, she will ask one of the kids to get it from "my" room. The Tv is "my", the lawnmower is "my", the swimming pool is "my". If she buys something in the store, it's hers, as is every item in the house. Nothing is ever referred to as ours or our.
> 
> Is this normal, or am I missing something here.
> 
> I find it very disconcerting it makes me feel as if I -as the onlhy one who works - is working for her benefit, and not the rest of the family.


 Tell her how you feel. My husband does the same except it's I. I am coming over, I I I, instead of WE. We have been married for 4 years now and you'd think he'd get used to being a WE by now.


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## FRANC (Mar 2, 2012)

Try this...every time she refers to communal property:

Wife: Can you take your feet off my sofa please?
You: Our.
Wife: What?
You: Its our sofa, not your sofa. Just saying.

After this has happened 10 times:

Wife: Can you stop saying that, it irritates me...
You: I will if you stop referring to everything as yours, not ours. That irritates ME. If you want to be really pedantic, i can point out everything in this house which was purchased with MY earnings. But that wouldn't be nice, so i won't.

Could work.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Sometimes I will say to one of the kids, "It's in my bedroom." Hubby will respond with, "Oh, so now it is YOUR room then? Where's MY room?" In this case it is nothing more than just a way of identifying the room. It would be annoying though if a spouse constantly said 'my' and not 'our'. 

Most of the time though, unless we are talking about something that does belong to or get used by one person, it is 'the'.

Or, if the kids are being bad, 'Your daughter is being a pain today."


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Perhaps it's time to start talking about "my salary," "my money" and "my savings" etc. I'm not a believer in tit for tat, but it might get the message across.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Rowan said:


> My husband is somewhat like your wife. He refers to our house as "his" because he pays the mortgage. Now, we designed and built the house together and I work full time and contribute to the family finances. But the mortgage payment comes out of his checkbook, so in his mind the house is "his" and he refers to it as such. The cokes that I buy him are also "his" even though I pay for them. I buy them for him, they are his. He would consider it rude if I were just to drink one without asking first. He considers the laptop to be mine and always asks permission to use it, even though I bought it for the family and have told him he doesn't need to ask.
> 
> He's just odd like that. We've never discussed it, but my guess is that he doesn't really grasp the concept of things belonging to the group as a whole. Even jointly owned property he seems to associate automatically with each party owning one portion of the property - two owners, two hundred acres, each owner owns one hundred acres. Some of it is selfishness, some of it is just the way he was brought up, some of it is just the way his engineer's brain works.


Sounds like you're describing my wife.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Why don't YOU get YOUR UHAUL truck and pack YOUR stuff up and GTFO. Don't let me stand between YOU and YOUR destiny.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

When mom talks to me and refers to her and dad's room then she says "my" room. When she talks to dad and refers to their room she says "our" room. 
But if she talked to dad, referring to their room, saying "my" , it would be annoying and selfish.


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## Son of Kong (Jul 12, 2012)

How bout this tell her everything is her's but she "belongs" to you so no matter what she has it's yours anyhow. It's how they do it in England.


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## Smoke (Jul 17, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> Why don't YOU get YOUR UHAUL truck and pack YOUR stuff up and GTFO. Don't let me stand between YOU and YOUR destiny.


And YOU can kiss MY azz!! :smthumbup:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

mrfrustrated said:


> She informs me to "get over it"..it's what we do here in the States. I'm from England, and am also 9 years older. I was brought up in an environment where the home was a shared place, not divided into mine and yours.


No, it's not something "WE" do in the States. It's something SHE does in the States. :rofl: I've never done this...and I'm a California girl. It would drive me CRAZY if my husband did that. I'd probably pop the tent out back and stay in MY tent.. ..


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## joelmacdad (Jul 26, 2010)

So funny how within a few short replies the woman has been written off as "rude" "selfish" "unscrupulous" was brought up wrong, etc etc.

I don't think it is such a big deal unless you know she is doing it to put you down or undermine authority. If so, that is a deeper issue.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

My wife does this, and while I do think that perhaps it is a sign of being self absorbed, the part that is truly annoying to me is when the "we" shows up conveniently, as in:

Wife to friend: Yes, my yard is really wonderful.
Wife turning to me: By the way, we need to rake the leaves soon.

I always feel like that's translated to: You need to rake my yard.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Acorn said:


> My wife does this, and while I do think that perhaps it is a sign of being self absorbed, the part that is truly annoying to me is when the "we" shows up conveniently, as in:
> 
> Wife to friend: Yes, my yard is really wonderful.
> Wife turning to me: By the way, we need to rake the leaves soon.
> ...


Ummm...yeah I wonder why you feel that way? 

My wife does this about certain things when she talks to the kids, like our bed and our bedroom. I was unconsciously actually picking up on it too and start referring to them as hers too until the kids started asking me, "why do you call it Mommy's bed? it's your bed too, Daddy ". Funny.


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## TheOnceler (Jul 3, 2012)

Acorn said:


> My wife does this, and while I do think that perhaps it is a sign of being self absorbed, the part that is truly annoying to me is when the "we" shows up conveniently, as in:
> 
> Wife to friend: Yes, my yard is really wonderful.
> Wife turning to me: By the way, we need to rake the leaves soon.
> ...



Ha! I get that sort of thing all the time!


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