# How to forgive?



## Teebler

I am usually just a troller (reading other posts and taking the advice that I'd useful to me), but I have a huge dilemma and have not seen any related posts. My husband and I have been married for almost seven years, and we have a five year old son. I have always been a person who holds grudges, and is very slow to forgive. In recent weeks/months I have been really making an effort to be a loving, forgiving wife and it has really worked wonders in that short time in our relationship. The problem is, the other day my husband and I got into this huge argument abut something that he said to me (it was way offensive, disrespectful, and inappropriate), he has apologized but I just cannot seem to let it go.....any advice??? I have started realizing that in order to spend a lifetime together I am going to have to learn to forgive and move past most things. HELP!!!!


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## Mavash.

Is he a repeat offender or is this something you've always done?


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## Kermitty

I would try to first see if there is a reason behind my holding onto the anger. Is it because I still think he means it? Was his apology insincere? Does he not do enough to make me feel good as opposed to only do things that make me angry?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane

It helps to remember that people are human and they will screw up. No one is perfect - you see that you are not since you know that you hold grudges. Others are imperfect as well, and you aren't "better" than they are.

Besides, if you hope and expect to be forgiven for your errors and imperfect behavior, then you have to be willing to open your heart and forgive others their errors and imperfect behavior.


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## SimplyAmorous

My advice is to buy a book by *Lewis Smedes*..I feel he is the Best author on this subject...his books really open your eyes to all sides of this...how hurt , wrong doings cause these well of emotions....resentment...how this can destroy relationships/communication.... our boundaries with those who hurt us.....the freely power let go -and forgive. 

True forgiveness does not happen overnight, I believe it can be a grueling process, I've had to walk this road a few times (never with my husband, but with others)...where I wanted to hold on to the nasty feelings but...they were only eating me...I longed for that freedom from them...just as you are. 

*1.* Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve : Books

*2*. The Art of Forgiving: Books


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## eyuop

SimplyAmorous said:


> My advice is to buy a book by *Lewis Smedes*..I feel he is the Best author on this subject...his books really open your eyes to all sides of this...how hurt , wrong doings cause these well of emotions....resentment...how this can destroy relationships/communication.... our boundaries with those who hurt us.....the freely power let go -and forgive.
> 
> True forgiveness does not happen overnight, I believe it can be a grueling process, I've had to walk this road a few times (never with my husband, but with others)...where I wanted to hold on to the nasty feelings but...they were only eating me...I longed for that freedom from them...just as you are.
> 
> *1.* Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve : Books
> 
> *2*. The Art of Forgiving: Books


Great advice! Forgiveness, although not natural, is one of the most powerful acts in the world. "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you."
(Lewis B. Smedes)


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## WillK

I think people have forgotten the process God has laid out for forgiveness. In church so much energy is spent on talking about how Jesus died on the cross so that our sins might be forgiven, and it creates the impression that it's automatic.

Forgiveness is the last step, and it is one for which God tells us that giving forgiveness is something we ought to do as we are supposed to live our lives acording to the example of Jesus.

But first, when our brother trespasses against us we ought to rebuke him. Forgiveness is not license to sin without consequences.

After the rebuke, the person who committed the trespass must make a sincere, contrite and humble apology and ASK for forgiveness.

Only then is it right and proper to grant forgiveness.

Forgiving someone who does not admit wrong-doing is an act of enablement, and only enslaves the sinner to the sin even more.

I've learned this lesson myself, and probably too late.

I was given a passage from the book of Luke in the bible that really made all of this make sense to me.


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## HarryDoyle

WillK said:


> I think people have forgotten the process God has laid out for forgiveness. In church so much energy is spent on talking about how Jesus died on the cross so that our sins might be forgiven, and it creates the impression that it's automatic.
> 
> Forgiveness is the last step, and it is one for which God tells us that giving forgiveness is something we ought to do as we are supposed to live our lives acording to the example of Jesus.
> 
> But first, when our brother trespasses against us we ought to rebuke him. Forgiveness is not license to sin without consequences.
> 
> After the rebuke, the person who committed the trespass must make a sincere, contrite and humble apology and ASK for forgiveness.
> 
> Only then is it right and proper to grant forgiveness.
> 
> Forgiving someone who does not admit wrong-doing is an act of enablement, and only enslaves the sinner to the sin even more.
> 
> I've learned this lesson myself, and probably too late.
> 
> I was given a passage from the book of Luke in the bible that really made all of this make sense to me.


I'll have to disagree with you here. Jesus said from the cross: "Father forgive them for they know not what are doing." (Luke 23:34) Stephen said the same thing as he was being stoned to death, and then he saw the Lord in the sky. These people did not ask Jesus to forgive them, they killed him! Jesus said that we are to forgive our brother 70X7, which means every time, Jesus said nothing about if your brother asks for forgiveness, he said if your brother sins against you, you must forgive him. 

But........just because you forgive someone does not mean your don't hold them accountable! The victim in a court of law can forgive the accused (whether they ask for it or not), but does not mean the case is thrown out and the defendant goes free! No. The defendant is still sentenced for the crime they committed. Jesus forgave the the people who crucified him, but that does not mean they will escape judgement, they won't. 

If you do not learn to forgive it will build up inside you and become a festering wound of resentment that will eventually eat you up from the inside out. I know, my wife is a grudge holder and used to stuff everything. She eventually became so bitter she had a year long affair with a guy at work just for the attention she needed because she had pushed me so far away from her, AND to get back at me for all the perceived wrongs I had done to her (and a lot of real wrongs wrongs I had done in the past.)

Now it was my turn to forgive, and i did, regardless of what my wife would say. But, only AFTER she apologized and showed true remorse and came clean about everything and understood how she screwed up did I agree to TRY to reconcile and save our marriage. (And still am)

Forgiveness is a choice and not an emotion or feeling and it does not relieve the forgiven person of any responsibility at all. Forgiveness is for YOU, not the other person. Only if they ask for forgiveness can they benefit from it. And they need to accept your forgiveness for their their own well being, otherwise guilt and regret will eat them up, and and that I know a little about.


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## Convection

Around here, people say, "Holding onto resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies." You forgive as much for yourself as for the offender.

When you feel those tense moments crop up, take a deep breath and ask yourself if this was your last day on Earth if you woulf want to spend it in anger. Doing that helps me let go quite often.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore

Teebler said:


> I am usually just a troller (reading other posts and taking the advice that I'd useful to me), but I have a huge dilemma and have not seen any related posts. My husband and I have been married for almost seven years, and we have a five year old son. I have always been a person who holds grudges, and is very slow to forgive. In recent weeks/months I have been really making an effort to be a loving, forgiving wife and it has really worked wonders in that short time in our relationship. The problem is, the other day my husband and I got into this huge argument abut something that he said to me (it was way offensive, disrespectful, and inappropriate), he has apologized but I just cannot seem to let it go.....any advice??? I have started realizing that in order to spend a lifetime together I am going to have to learn to forgive and move past most things. HELP!!!!


Perhaps his comments tapped into some deep insecurities you have about yourself and hearing him say those things to you just confirmed those insecurities. 

If what he said was deeply offensive, a simple apology might not cut it. When the wound is deep a simple band-aid isn't going to heal. Maybe you need to think of what he could do to make you get past this resentment. Brain storm what other things he could do for you.

Forgiveness is ultimately something you do FOR YOURSELF. It's so you can move on. It doesn't mean you've forgotten what he's done or that you're ok with his comments. Forgiveness is so you don't carry the resentment and anger which will slowly poison your health from the inside.


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## thatbpguy

I have heard it said that people who have a hard time forgiving others do so becasue they have a harder time forgiving themselves.


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## SimplyAmorous

thatbpguy said:


> I have heard it said that people who have a hard time forgiving others do so becasue they have a harder time forgiving themselves.


They say practicing "*self compassion*" helps us be more compassionate towards others...as it's really the human experience... we screw it up good sometimes, with our mouths, a stupid action in a moment....in it's own way, we are all in this together... I find comfort in this personally. I have no desire to be Perfect, wouldn't be able to live up to it anyway!

Definition of self-compassion

I have never been one to hold grudges on anyone ....this is not to say I haven't struggled with *forgiveness* though...oh yes... I swear the hardest for me ...was with a young girl who hurt my oldest son with her words...had nothing to do with me... but she spoke behind his back, she was a christian, and I loathed her for a time.... I've found when a child is wronged, the Mother takes is very hard. I had to let go... He forgave easier in his hurt than I DID!

I found it a grueling process to get through...it is never just a bandaid for me...and in my view...sure it is to release yourself from that merry go round of occupying your mind with ugly thoughts of another, wanting bad to come to them...nasty.....but (FOR ME) -it is also to make peace with what happened... to understand their side in it, the why's.. the wayward moment....not carrying anything at all...for that person in a negative way....

Meaning if I saw them in public, I would  AND MEAN IT FROM THE HEART...I have no care to be fake around others... if I don't like you, chances are I wouldn't even look at you...so I need to be true to myself and rid myself of the vile lurking within (that noone else sees) cause my conscience still carries it...

I will seek to get to the root with a friend, my husband, whomever I care about....and if they want no part of it, leaving me in the dust.... I would still need to find forgiveness in my hurt...though I've found it's far easier to DO when the other holds a hand out to reconcile ...wanting to make amends, coming half way. Some people are too stubborn... those ones you can't take it personal. You must move on... *knowing you did the best you could with the situation at hand.*

Forgiving sometimes still has boundaries attached. Depending on the circumstances...and the heart of the other.


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## firefly789

How sincere was the apology? Did he acknowledge the hurt and pain it caused you? Did he show remorse for his actions? Or, was it a lame apology?

You may need to talk to him about how much it hurt you if he didn't apologize sincerely. Also, you need to talk about what is fair in a fight. Name calling, etc. is not. Set some ground rules and find out how he will act differently next time.

Holding grudges is really passive aggressive and a way of winning an argument in the end. You just kind of grind a person down. That's why if he was sincere you need to let it go, but have the ground rules talk. If he's not sincere, you need to address his actions with him and get a sincere apology. Then let it go. Remember, your son is going to learn how to deal with conflict from you.


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## youkiddingme

Jesus prayed "FAther forgive them for they know not what they did", before they asked for forgiveness. But God has not done it. God forgives AFTER we repent and ask for forgiveness, and only after we repent and ask for it. That is the ONLY way it occurs in the Bible.


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## HarryDoyle

youkiddingme said:


> Jesus prayed "FAther forgive them for they know not what they did", before they asked for forgiveness. But God has not done it. God forgives AFTER we repent and ask for forgiveness, and only after we repent and ask for it. That is the ONLY way it occurs in the Bible.


You're going to have to provide a biblical reference here because I respectfully disagree. There is NO evidence that any of the people who murdered Jesus, I.E. Pontius Pilot, the Romans, the High Priests and other leaders, ever repented. (Though some might have, like Saul). In fact Jesus condemned them in front of Pilot. And because their lack of repentance Jeruselum was totally destroyed in 70 AD. There's a difference between forgiveness of individual acts, and the total absolution (forgiveness) of sin you receive from God when you believe and repent.


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## Coffee Amore

While Bible references may help some, not everyone who posts here is a Christian and we shouldn't assume it. Unless the original poster makes a reference to the Bible, I'd leave Christian concepts out of the responses as it may not be helpful to her at all.


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## HarryDoyle

Coffee Amore said:


> While Bible references may help some, not everyone who posts here is a Christian and we shouldn't assume it. Unless the original poster makes a reference to the Bible, I'd leave Christian concepts out of the responses as it may not be helpful to her at all.


Really?? That's interesting, are you saying forgiveness is not a Christian concept?? You don't have to answer that, I know what the answer is.


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