# Chump Lady on Fairy Dust Forgiveness



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

I thought I'd post it for TAM readers to check out.

Fairy Dust Forgiveness


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I love her columns


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> I love her columns


So do I. I hope her readership continues to expand - she is one of the good guys.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

I will have to peruse that site sometime when I have more time. She really seems to get it, unfortunately.

As for my experience, you can't forgive someone who isn't remorseful. It's not the forgiveness that transforms someone into a good person. Ha! The person has to transform into a good person because they are genuinely aghast at their actions and want to avoid them. Then perhaps their victim can forgive them; if they can ever believe the change is true. If the betrayer doesn't express genuine sorrow and live in such a way that they make up for their transgressions every day, then the victim can't begin to try to forgive.

Forgiveness is a two-way process, and the first step is the remorse of the transgressor.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Thanks for sharing, this article really hit home for me. I've been really down on myself this week. I've felt like a failure, like I haven't lived up to the forgiveness standard my faith professes. 

A big part of that is related to my inability to reconcile. I bought into the idea that if you didn't R, then you didn't forgive. This article helps squash that myth, and it couldn't of come at a better time for me.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Acoa said:


> Thanks for sharing, this article really hit home for me. I've been really down on myself this week. I've felt like a failure, like I haven't lived up to the forgiveness standard my faith professes.
> 
> A big part of that is related to my inability to reconcile. I bought into the idea that if you didn't R, then you didn't forgive. This article helps squash that myth, and it couldn't of come at a better time for me.


Glad it helped. Chumplady herlps A LOT of people. That is why I post her stuff.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Acoa, check out the blog Divorce Minister | Binding up the brokenhearted 

It's a Christian evangelical perspective (I have too much of a potty mouth for that to be my perspective, and I'm a very lapsed Methodist.) The writer has an M.Div from Yale, FWIW. 

He's taking on infidelity, divorce, from a theological POV and has quite a bit to say on the forgiveness issue, if you need that scripture and faith perspective. 

Hope this helps.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

How spot on is that !?

"Look, chumps. I could sprinkle fairy dust forgiveness all over the 240 pounds of serial cheater that is my ex. Wouldn’t do a damn thing. I could say “I forgive you! Let’s let bygones be bygones. Hope you’re well!” and he would still be a serial cheater. Because he likes it like that. My forgiveness could no more transform that man into a magic toadstool than a good person."

Right on the money. That backs up my thoughts about it being okay to be angry about someone who wont change. I'll give up my justified bitterness and anger so she can er do what ....well actually so she can just carry on as normal 

I keep hearing I can't 'move on' unless 'I forgive stbx etc etc etc. No. I've moved on, my life feels much better but she gets nothing from me.

Fksakes mstbx *chose* to hurt my children in a way that will scar them forever, forget me and my stuff with her. What do you normally feel about people that attack and damage your children - you fking hate them 

......rightly so 

Chump Lady has this right


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

chumplady said:


> Acoa, check out the blog Divorce Minister | Binding up the brokenhearted
> 
> It's a Christian evangelical perspective (I have too much of a potty mouth for that to be my perspective, and I'm a very lapsed Methodist.) The writer has an M.Div from Yale, FWIW.
> 
> ...


Thanks for checking in!


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

chumplady said:


> Acoa, check out the blog Divorce Minister | Binding up the brokenhearted
> 
> It's a Christian evangelical perspective (I have too much of a potty mouth for that to be my perspective, and I'm a very lapsed Methodist.) The writer has an M.Div from Yale, FWIW.
> 
> ...


 I completely get that public domain bit.

You marry - you take vows. It's a public declaration, full frontal in everybody's face. The positive in full glare.

Once the infidelity has smashed everything to pieces suddenly low and behold all the cheats and supporters of the adulterer want to keep it all tightly snuggled underground for self protection 

That's now longer public property, that's "private" and as mstbx often shouts a me "these are adult matters that concern nobody else" 

Hehehe :lol:

Of course


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

chumplady, you nailed it. You have described what I was trying to explain to Mr. Blunt when I told him I embraced acceptance but I won't take that next step and fully forgive my ex. That kind of forgiveness would truly be a fairy tale....and I'm allergic to dust.

Here here!


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

bfree said:


> chumplady, you nailed it. You have described what I was trying to explain to Mr. Blunt when I told him I embraced acceptance but I won't take that next step and fully forgive my ex. That kind of forgiveness would truly be a fairy tale....and I'm allergic to dust.
> 
> Here here!


:iagree: She frequently hits them out of the park. I hope more TAM BSs discover Chumplady.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> I will have to peruse that site sometime when I have more time. She really seems to get it, unfortunately.
> 
> As for my experience, you can't forgive someone who isn't remorseful. It's not the forgiveness that transforms someone into a good person. Ha! The person has to transform into a good person because they are genuinely aghast at their actions and want to avoid them. Then perhaps their victim can forgive them; if they can ever believe the change is true. If the betrayer doesn't express genuine sorrow and live in such a way that they make up for their transgressions every day, then the victim can't begin to try to forgive.
> 
> Forgiveness is a two-way process, and the first step is the remorse of the transgressor.


HC - do read her site - there is a lot of good stuff there!!!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

There are two forms of forgiveness which are totally different. Really we need two different words.

One is where everything is forgotten and there are no hard feelings. Like when you're a kid and your friend smacks you in the face and you get a bloody nose. It was not maliciously done, and he feels badly for hurting you (even though he laughs his azz off). You forgive him and everything is as if it never happened.

The other form is what we typically discuss wrt infidelity. This is the letting go of the anguish and hate for what happened, but not forgetting. One might even reconcile, but one never forgets what happened. Things never go back to the way they were before the betrayal.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Thor...you still remember your friend smacked you in the nose....so you did not forget that either.


I am certain that multiple friends smacked me, but I do not remember any specific events. So yes I have forgotten it. And our friendship did not suffer at all for the event.

For me this is a very different form of harm and a very different form of forgiveness than when something less benign happens. It could be an affair or something less extreme but still with some strong lack of caring and perhaps no immediate remorse.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

Great piece that complements the thread of last week or so on forgiveness.

I too struggle with forgiveness. SO many say you must to reconcile and I can see that, I am just not sure of how to execute it. As in Fairy Dust Forgiveness you can't just say it, or wave a wand and it is so.

I think it happens over time as you become more convinced that the cheater is seriously remorseful and not about to cheat again. My FCH keeps telling me it will never happen again. I believe him with my head, some day my heart may be totally convinced. 

I can forgive him for his weakness and fallacies now. I am working on the selfishness and deception. Not actively working, but allowing myself to believe it won't happen again, a little at a time.

It's not a conscious effort, just the result of no negative occurrences and more positive actions from him.

As I said before, there is no magic switch for me.


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