# So confused



## 2bornot2b (Sep 18, 2010)

Hi everyone. I have never done anything like this before. I feel so alone and need advice and don't know where to turn. I hide recent events from my family and friends and keep it all in and I feel like I am going to go crazy if I don't talk to someone about my problems in my marriage.

I have been married for five years. We have a three year old that is my world. I love her dearly. My husband, I believe, has a very addictive personality. He smokes pot daily, he demands sex daily, although I have "convinced him" to do it every other day. I didn't like the drugs from day one. I tried to get him to cut down and I told him I didn't want him doing it in the basement anymore when I got pregnant. He just hides it more now and we have become distant. He still parties all the time like nothing has changed. By the way we are not really young, I am in my mid 30's and he is in his 40's, so it is not like he never had the chance to party. He gets angry with me when I catch him getting high in the garage and he takes off for two or three days! He has racked up our credit cards with hotel stays. He also leaves if I refuse sex. We do it all the time and if I say no he freaks out. The few times I have left him with our daughter for a few hours, I come home to her alone in the house and him out in the garage getting high! This disturbs me greatly because my daughter means the world to me and I am so angry that he would risk hurting her like that! She is only 3! I found out he went to a nudist colony and I left him for 3 months but he begged me to come back and eventually I did.I have no trust in him and I am losing any sense of respect for him. When we argue he makes our daughter cry with his yelling. He tells her that I will find a new daddy for her and that I probably already have one lined up. He constantly accuses me of cheating on him. He says all women are *****s. He has NO REASON to think this of me. I have never cheated on him! It is the LAST thing on my mind! He has been very verbally abusive to me. I left my job when I had my daughter. We had both agreed on this issue and that I would return when our daughter went to school. He constantly puts me down now because I am not working. I am educated. I am a hard worker and I love being home with my daughter. I plan to return to work when she goes to school next september. I am so upset that he puts me down that way. But at the same time he admitted that he is somewhat scared for me to return to work because he knows that I might leave him. I feel trapped sometimes. The verbal abuse has escalated in the past year and a half to physical abuse on a few rare occassions. He has hit me, pushed me, strangled me, thrown stuff at me. I have had many bruises and cuts. The first couple of times it happened, I told my friends, now I just don't tell anyone. My friends wanted me to leave and they were very dissapointed when I returned to him, so I don't tell them anymore. My family all live far away, so it is easy to hide it from them. I know that the way he treats me is not right. His behaviour is more erractic when he smokes. I told him that he needs to quit. He did for about 3 months and things were great, but then he started again and the same negative behaviour started again. We have gone for marriage counselling for 10 months, didn't help. He wouldnt take any of the advice on how we should resolve our differences. When I tried to leave him before, I was humiliated and went to welfare for help and they turned me away because my husband was paying the bills and giving me money so they wouldnt help me find a place. I have no job, the type of work I will get back into when my daughter goes to school, is "on call" to start so it will be very difficult to be on my own with her. I still love my husband and when things are good they are great. Our daughter loves her daddy very much, except when he is screaming. She doesn't understand what is really going on. I love him, but the love is diminishing everyday. He doesn't do anything around the house as far as what a man should do, doesnt take care of the yard or do any repairs. He could care less. He has no pride. He just sits around after work and eats and drinks beer and takes off and get high and then comes home and demands sex. This is not what I had in mind when I decided to marry him. I really didn't want my daughter to be in a single parent home, but what is worse? SOmetimes I think her and I would be so much happier away from him. I just don't know what I should do?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

My opinion? What you have right now is SOOOO much worse for the both of you. He's physically abused you...what's to stop him from getting worse with you and eventually moving on to her. If the police ever came into your home for some reason and found his drugs, it's possible your daughter could be removed, if only temporarily, from your custody. Especially if this occurred while you were out and he was the only one home with her and getting high. 

If I were you, I'd get a job now and leave him. I know you'd like to stay home with her for another year, but honestly, having mommy at home with her will not make up for seeing mommy get the crap beat out of her or listening to daddy scream her entire childhood.


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## anitakath (Sep 18, 2010)

2bornot2b said:


> Hi everyone. I have never done anything like this before. I feel so alone and need advice and don't know where to turn. I hide recent events from my family and friends and keep it all in and I feel like I am going to go crazy if I don't talk to someone about my problems in my marriage.
> 
> I have been married for five years. We have a three year old that is my world. I love her dearly. My husband, I believe, has a very addictive personality. He smokes pot daily, he demands sex daily, although I have "convinced him" to do it every other day. I didn't like the drugs from day one. I tried to get him to cut down and I told him I didn't want him doing it in the basement anymore when I got pregnant. He just hides it more now and we have become distant. He still parties all the time like nothing has changed. By the way we are not really young, I am in my mid 30's and he is in his 40's, so it is not like he never had the chance to party. He gets angry with me when I catch him getting high in the garage and he takes off for two or three days! He has racked up our credit cards with hotel stays. He also leaves if I refuse sex. We do it all the time and if I say no he freaks out. The few times I have left him with our daughter for a few hours, I come home to her alone in the house and him out in the garage getting high! This disturbs me greatly because my daughter means the world to me and I am so angry that he would risk hurting her like that! She is only 3! I found out he went to a nudist colony and I left him for 3 months but he begged me to come back and eventually I did.I have no trust in him and I am losing any sense of respect for him. When we argue he makes our daughter cry with his yelling. He tells her that I will find a new daddy for her and that I probably already have one lined up. He constantly accuses me of cheating on him. He says all women are *****s. He has NO REASON to think this of me. I have never cheated on him! It is the LAST thing on my mind! He has been very verbally abusive to me. I left my job when I had my daughter. We had both agreed on this issue and that I would return when our daughter went to school. He constantly puts me down now because I am not working. I am educated. I am a hard worker and I love being home with my daughter. I plan to return to work when she goes to school next september. I am so upset that he puts me down that way. But at the same time he admitted that he is somewhat scared for me to return to work because he knows that I might leave him. I feel trapped sometimes. The verbal abuse has escalated in the past year and a half to physical abuse on a few rare occassions. He has hit me, pushed me, strangled me, thrown stuff at me. I have had many bruises and cuts. The first couple of times it happened, I told my friends, now I just don't tell anyone. My friends wanted me to leave and they were very dissapointed when I returned to him, so I don't tell them anymore. My family all live far away, so it is easy to hide it from them. I know that the way he treats me is not right. His behaviour is more erractic when he smokes. I told him that he needs to quit. He did for about 3 months and things were great, but then he started again and the same negative behaviour started again. We have gone for marriage counselling for 10 months, didn't help. He wouldnt take any of the advice on how we should resolve our differences. When I tried to leave him before, I was humiliated and went to welfare for help and they turned me away because my husband was paying the bills and giving me money so they wouldnt help me find a place. I have no job, the type of work I will get back into when my daughter goes to school, is "on call" to start so it will be very difficult to be on my own with her. I still love my husband and when things are good they are great. Our daughter loves her daddy very much, except when he is screaming. She doesn't understand what is really going on. I love him, but the love is diminishing everyday. He doesn't do anything around the house as far as what a man should do, doesnt take care of the yard or do any repairs. He could care less. He has no pride. He just sits around after work and eats and drinks beer and takes off and get high and then comes home and demands sex. This is not what I had in mind when I decided to marry him. I really didn't want my daughter to be in a single parent home, but what is worse? SOmetimes I think her and I would be so much happier away from him. I just don't know what I should do?


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

*His behavior is TOTALLY unacceptable*

2bornot2b 

I know you want your daughter to be raised by both her parents but your husband is endangering her and you. Your marriage should not be. 

I agree with ATG who said:
"If I were you, I'd get a job now and leave him. I know you'd like to stay home with her for another year, but honestly, having mommy at home with her will not make up for seeing mommy get the crap beat out of her or listening to daddy scream her entire childhood"​
I'll say that between physical abuse of you - he should be arrested and jailed IMO - and getting high in the garage when he should be watching her in the house he is guilty of abuse & neglect of a minor and abuse of you.

I hate to be an alarmist but you could be seen as endangering your child if you don't get him out of the house. I have a friend who works for CT's Division of Child Services, I believe she's said that in situations like this they take the kids first and then decide. You don't want your little girl spending a day with DCS and you don't want to spend the next 15 years being monitored by them.

Scary. Try calling 211 and see how they can help.


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## Brioli (Sep 6, 2010)

*Re: His behavior is TOTALLY unacceptable*



ThinkTooMuch said:


> 2bornot2b
> 
> I know you want your daughter to be raised by both her parents but your husband is endangering her and you. Your marriage should not be.
> 
> ...


I agree


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