# Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife



## MovingForward

Hi I was hoping for advice from woman who have been in my Wives shoes or Husbands who have made the same mistakes I have.

We have been Married for 12 years and had a lot of great times, two beautiful children and a ton of fun, somewhere over the last 2 years things started to deteriorate, looking back I closed my self off from people, went through a rough patch at work and was going through the motions in life, instead of leaning on her tried to handle it all myself and ended up making her feel rejected and unloved, she tried to tell me she was feeling like this but in my haze I didn't see or hear. 

Deep down I felt something not quite right but didn't know what or how to resolve it. Looking back I can see all this now and understand where I ****ed up but it took her telling me she wanted a divorce for me to realize this, I felt completely blindsided at first and I know that's my own fault.

I want so badly to undo the bad feelings I have left her with and to be the husband she deserves and I really feel like I can do that but not sure if it is too late? 

She told me she is not sure if she can open back up to me again because she tried for so long and got so hurt she detached herself from me, she still loves me but is not in love with me currently. 

If anyone has experienced this and got through it please help with any input.


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## Yeswecan

I have been there. You can turn it around. I did after I realized how I was not attentive to my W. 

1. Look your W in the eyes and with all sincerity in your heart let her know you are going to turn this around.
2. Return to dating like you did when you were dating. Movies, dinner, walks and day trips. 
3. Random notes.
4. Always tell your W you appreciate her and everything she does. 
5. Spend at least 15 hours per week doing something together.


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## MovingForward

Thanks for taking the time to reply and some reassurance that there is some hope. Worst feeling in the world knowing you messed up and you hurt the woman you love. 

I am going to do everything I can.


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## TheTruthHurts

Absolutely. But there has to be open communication. In a LTR there are likely to be bouts of stress, depression, withdrawal, etc. Particularly with work, kids, financial strain, etc.

Be honest and own up to this. Discuss what a LTR means in terms of supporting each other, but also recognizing when you are the one with issues. Be open to the insights of your partner.

Your W may respond much better if you talk about how you feel about this, admit mistakes, and ask for help. Women tend to be more emotionally attuned, and she may react positively to your requests for help.

I pulled back harshly after getting a cancer diagnosis, and my w responded the same way. We both protected ourselves - in my case I WANTED to pull support because I didn't want her and the kids to rely on me if I were going to die. But I worked through it and then I talked about it and confronted her pullback as well. Neither of us really wanted that and we worked hard to rebuild intimacy. We had drifted anyway through life though we were always each other's best friend.

So pull her back and allow yourself to feel vulnerable and tell her you understand why she is apprehensive about making herself vulnerable again. It's part of life


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Yeswecan

CMB82 said:


> Thanks for taking the time to reply and some reassurance that there is some hope. Worst feeling in the world knowing you messed up and you hurt the woman you love.
> 
> I am going to do everything I can.


I understand completely. 

Take a moment to let this sink in...your W(like mine) felt neglected for years. In my case, about 20. I'm a great dad and provider. My W will tell anyone that. Of those 20 years I was great at those two things but being a H I was not. Of those 20 years my W could have gone off to anyone or whatever but she did not. My W hoped and stayed course. Told me time and time again that sex was lacking. I ignored and felt I was doing enough. Just the idea that my W stayed the course until I would "get it" really got me. My W thought enough of me to wait and hope I came around! From that point on I completely changed my entire marriage and way I communicated/interacted with my W. 

It is all in your actions. These actions must have staying power. Not just a flash in the pan then back to the old you. Through these actions your W should see you are turning it around.


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## jb02157

I feel bad for you. Although she will tell you that she tried to tell you she was unhappy for a long time, she wasn't getting through to you and I think that's on her. It's wrong to all of the sudden hit someone with a divorce without them understanding beforehand something needs to change or it could lead to a divorce. I think men face this all the time. Since they are unfairly tasked with being responsible for all the finances, it takes such a toll on them they can take on anything else. Then their wives figure they will cash in and take their half while saying BS that they were unloved and ignored. Marriages today are built to fail in this regard.


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## john117

I have to wonder about the hit the rough patch at work part. During the great recession my company cut 40% of staff and there were days we thought we'd go under. I don't recall my wife being remotely concerned or me making it an issue at all. I went thru the motions like everyone else.

Could you shed some light into the types of issues you encountered, your response, and your wife's expectations vs reality? I'm not of the "blame the guy first" mindset because work issues when you have young children can be very stressful, and any partner worth their marital salt would be expected to be understanding.


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## FeministInPink

jb02157 said:


> I feel bad for you. Although she will tell you that she tried to tell you she was unhappy for a long time, she wasn't getting through to you and I think that's on her. It's wrong to all of the sudden hit someone with a divorce without them understanding beforehand something needs to change or it could lead to a divorce. I think men face this all the time. Since they are unfairly tasked with being responsible for all the finances, it takes such a toll on them they can take on anything else. Then their wives figure they will cash in and take their half while saying BS that they were unloved and ignored. Marriages today are built to fail in this regard.


jb, what century are you living in? Many women in marriages today work and equally contribute financially (and sometimes are the breadwinners), and they stand to lose just as much in a divorce as the man does. Granted, I live in an urban area where many women are educated and have careers--but the majority of America lives in urban centers in the 21st century. And modern divorce laws don't favor women as much as they used to.

I understand that your marriage is bad, but that bitterness filters in and colors nearly every post of yours that I read, and it makes me sad.


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## anchorwatch

@CMB82

It can be done. Learn what a good marriage can look like and how a man should act first. Then make a plan to move forward. Be the captain, chart a course and she may follow. Even if you can't repair the M, you'll be better a better partner, father, and man. 

Start here...

A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

Fall in Love, Stay in Love, Willard F. Harley

8 Tools That Will Change Your Life | The Art of Manliness

Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men, Wayne M. Levine 


Best


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## farsidejunky

CM, no doubt you have a tough road ahead of you.

I want to caution you as you begin to revive your marriage. One of the single largest problems in this process is that the one who was taken for granted has a tendency to overcompensate by doing things that are not for the benefit of the marriage, and are driven by resentment.

While that is understandable to a degree, it doesn't make it acceptable. Your trick is going to be finding a way to walk that fine line between being remorseful and still enforcing boundaries.

When this happens, you are going to have to be able to firmly, without any anger, tell her that her actions are unacceptable. 

Resentment will cause her to justify her actions by how you treated her at one time. Do not allow it.

If you do not enforce boundaries during this process, you will have essentially saved a marriage that wasn't worth saving. You need to take the approach that you are going to either revive a healthy marriage, or take a dying one off life support.

I would suggest that you read a book called Hold On To Your N.U.T.'s by Wayne Levine.

Good luck, and keep posting.


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## MovingForward

I work a Commission Job and was sole provider financially for us all, lots of pressure in the build up to get to the point of being financially stable and I dreaded going to work each morning but felt trapped and ended up coming home frustrated and angry most evenings. She ran the house and felt undervalued and under appreciated which was never my Intention but I guess my actions showed otherwise. This has all passed but she disconnected during this point and it has taken me a long time to see that, its been one big miscommunication

1)I didn't realize she was hurt at first
2)I thought she was nitpicking and attacking me all the time
3)She thought I didn't care
4)She stops showing affection
5)I feel rejected
6)Boom here we are.

All could have been solved if i had pulled my head out the sand earlier.


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## MovingForward

I work a Commission Job and was sole provider financially for us all, lots of pressure in the build up to get to the point of being financially stable and I dreaded going to work each morning but felt trapped and ended up coming home frustrated and angry most evenings. She ran the house and felt undervalued and under appreciated which was never my Intention but I guess my actions showed otherwise. This has all passed but she disconnected during this point and it has taken me a long time to see that, its been one big miscommunication

1)I didn't realize she was hurt at first
2)I thought she was nitpicking and attacking me all the time
3)She thought I didn't care
4)She stops showing affection
5)I feel rejected
6)Boom here we are.

All could have been solved if i had pulled my head out the sand earlier.


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## farsidejunky

@mem2020


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## Yeswecan

CMB82 said:


> I work a Commission Job and was sole provider financially for us all, lots of pressure in the build up to get to the point of being financially stable and I dreaded going to work each morning but felt trapped and ended up coming home frustrated and angry most evenings. She ran the house and felt undervalued and under appreciated which was never my Intention but I guess my actions showed otherwise. This has all passed but she disconnected during this point and it has taken me a long time to see that, its been one big miscommunication
> 
> 1)I didn't realize she was hurt at first
> 2)I thought she was nitpicking and attacking me all the time
> 3)She thought I didn't care
> 4)She stops showing affection
> 5)I feel rejected
> 6)Boom here we are.
> 
> *All could have been solved if i had pulled my head out the sand earlier*.


And you own up to that. For many, when one owns up to their misgivings, etc. it opens up the conversation and course to repair/correct what went wrong. Lay it all out of the table. 

In no uncertain terms and point blank I told my W I was a complete idiot for not listening and acknowledging what she was saying. In now fully understanding the issue I told my W I will turn it around and be the H she hoped(prayed) for all those years. With my actions I was able to turn the marriage around and be all that my W hoped I would be.


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## 269370

CMB82 said:


> I work a Commission Job and was sole provider financially for us all, lots of pressure in the build up to get to the point of being financially stable and I dreaded going to work each morning but felt trapped and ended up coming home frustrated and angry most evenings. She ran the house and felt undervalued and under appreciated which was never my Intention but I guess my actions showed otherwise. This has all passed but she disconnected during this point and it has taken me a long time to see that, its been one big miscommunication
> 
> 1)I didn't realize she was hurt at first
> 2)I thought she was nitpicking and attacking me all the time
> 3)She thought I didn't care
> 4)She stops showing affection
> 5)I feel rejected
> 6)Boom here we are.
> 
> All could have been solved if i had pulled my head out the sand earlier.


Have you excluded the obvious? (Affair) 
Surprised nobody mentioned that. I am not usually the one to extrapolate first.
It is unusual to just decide to leave like this. People do go through rough patches and a strong partnership usually can work through these things.
I am hesitant to recommend fighting for her, in case there is someone else (if there is, there is much less chance of success). If there definitely isn't, I don't think all is lost.


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## anchorwatch

@CMB82,

Acknowledge your mistakes and correct them. When we know better we do better. Do not wallow in self punishment. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get to work. 

"No one is ready for marriage. Marriage makes you ready for marriage." - David Schnarch


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## MEM2020

Cmb,

Has she:
1. Seen a lawyer
2. Discussed moving out or asked you to move out
3. Moved out of the bedroom or asked you to

When did she say she wanted out, and what have you done in response?

Turns out - situations like these - the truth is your friend. 

Here's the truth. A 100% commission job that isn't going very well is a terrific source of the raw materials of anger. 

Anger is a secondary emotion, it comes from two sources: fear or hurt

Coming up a sales learning curve, lots of rejection (hurt), and low commissions (fear of failing as a provider) - is a great recipe for anger. 








CMB82 said:


> I work a Commission Job and was sole provider financially for us all, lots of pressure in the build up to get to the point of being financially stable and I dreaded going to work each morning but felt trapped and ended up coming home frustrated and angry most evenings. She ran the house and felt undervalued and under appreciated which was never my Intention but I guess my actions showed otherwise. This has all passed but she disconnected during this point and it has taken me a long time to see that, its been one big miscommunication
> 
> 1)I didn't realize she was hurt at first
> 2)I thought she was nitpicking and attacking me all the time
> 3)She thought I didn't care
> 4)She stops showing affection
> 5)I feel rejected
> 6)Boom here we are.
> 
> All could have been solved if i had pulled my head out the sand earlier.


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## FeministInPink

Yeswecan said:


> And you own up to that. For many, when one owns up to their misgivings, etc. it opens up the conversation and course to repair/correct what went wrong. Lay it all out of the table.
> 
> In no uncertain terms and point blank I told my W I was a complete idiot for not listening and acknowledging what she was saying. In now fully understanding the issue I told my W I will turn it around and be the H she hoped(prayed) for all those years. With my *actions *I was able to turn the marriage around and be all that my W hoped I would be.


I would also add, that when you own up to it, already have some clear ideas in mind of what action steps you plan on taking to work on fixing the marriage--and this plan needs to incorporate making sure that her needs in the relationship are being met. Be open to her suggestions, and finalize a plan together, and then actually DO it. If you "own up to it" but then don't have a plan [which addresses her needs], and if you don't follow through, she'll think that the "owning up" was just an act and didn't mean anything, and that you didn't really think about it, and that you were just owning up because it's what she wanted to hear, and that you weren't really listening to her.

Words + Actions. You've gotta have both.

(And women really like a man with a plan. Most women WANT their hubby to take on a leadership role in the relationship, which many men fail at, sadly.)


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## Yeswecan

FeministInPink said:


> Words + Actions. You've gotta have both.
> 
> (And women really like a man with a plan. Most women WANT their hubby to take on a leadership role in the relationship, which many men fail at, sadly.)



Words + Actions....that need to continue. Not just for a week then back to the same old same old. You need to want the change, make the change and keep that change going. 


Leadership: definitely.


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## Yeswecan

inmyprime said:


> Have you excluded the obvious? (Affair)
> Surprised nobody mentioned that. I am not usually the one to extrapolate first.
> It is unusual to just decide to leave like this. People do go through rough patches and a strong partnership usually can work through these things.
> I am hesitant to recommend fighting for her, in case there is someone else (if there is, there is much less chance of success). If there definitely isn't, I don't think all is lost.


Don't think affair first. Some do hold it in until they can't take it anymore or there are those that are vocal and eventually call the ball. 

My W was vocal. She called the ball of lack of attentiveness and anger issues of mine. Simply put, "Get it(lack of attention/anger) fixed or I'm gone."


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## MovingForward

MEM2020 said:


> Cmb,
> 
> Has she:
> 1. Seen a lawyer
> 2. Discussed moving out or asked you to move out
> 3. Moved out of the bedroom or asked you to
> 
> When did she say she wanted out, and what have you done in response?
> 
> Turns out - situations like these - the truth is your friend.
> 
> Here's the truth. A 100% commission job that isn't going very well is a terrific source of the raw materials of anger.
> 
> Anger is a secondary emotion, it comes from two sources: fear or hurt
> 
> Coming up a sales learning curve, lots of rejection (hurt), and low commissions (fear of failing as a provider) - is a great recipe for anger.


She has not seen a lawyer as she doesn't want to use one as she thinks we can be civil enough to work it out ourselves, but has got contact info for a mediator and worked out a custody plan and child/spousal support, she has told her Mom and some friends also. We still share a bed and she has not asked me to move out yet but I pay all the bills.
She is a good person and told me she doesn't want to break my heart but is not sure she can be in love with me again and just wants to be happy even if that is alone.


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## MovingForward

MEM2020 said:


> Cmb,
> 
> Has she:
> 1. Seen a lawyer
> 2. Discussed moving out or asked you to move out
> 3. Moved out of the bedroom or asked you to
> 
> When did she say she wanted out, and what have you done in response?
> 
> Turns out - situations like these - the truth is your friend.
> 
> Here's the truth. A 100% commission job that isn't going very well is a terrific source of the raw materials of anger.
> 
> Anger is a secondary emotion, it comes from two sources: fear or hurt
> 
> Coming up a sales learning curve, lots of rejection (hurt), and low commissions (fear of failing as a provider) - is a great recipe for anger.





FeministInPink said:


> I would also add, that when you own up to it, already have some clear ideas in mind of what action steps you plan on taking to work on fixing the marriage--and this plan needs to incorporate making sure that her needs in the relationship are being met. Be open to her suggestions, and finalize a plan together, and then actually DO it. If you "own up to it" but then don't have a plan [which addresses her needs], and if you don't follow through, she'll think that the "owning up" was just an act and didn't mean anything, and that you didn't really think about it, and that you were just owning up because it's what she wanted to hear, and that you weren't really listening to her.
> 
> Words + Actions. You've gotta have both.
> 
> (And women really like a man with a plan. Most women WANT their hubby to take on a leadership role in the relationship, which many men fail at, sadly.)


Thanks @FeministInPink I have a plan and know what I need to do, I just struggle to get any feedback from her, if what i am doing is wrong I want her to tell me, its also hard day to day to be what you want and need to be when your so full of anxiety and there is so much uncertainty.

She is so angry that it took her getting to this point to make me wake up and I get that but I am awake now and just need the opportunity to fix it and get back on track again, I honestly feel if we can get through this then our marriage will be so much better than it has ever been.


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## MEM2020

Good. 

First thing to do when you realize you're in a deep hole, is: stop digging

1. Do playful, physical stuff with the kids - pillow fight - throw a ball around - whatever. It will help with your chronic anxiety.
2. Do NOT ask your wife for reassurance. Don't ask what she's thinking/planning. If she wants to talk, listen. Its ok to acknowledge your role - but - the anxious chatterbug thing is a huge turn off to women. So stick with this - soft and calm: I created this situation. So married or not - I'm going to try to make it up to you. 

If she asks how you plan to do that: Just say - by being a good partner - instead of an emotional boat anchor dragging you underwater.

3. Talking that YOU initiate needs to be limited to positive things. 

And don't promise to 'be' better. Just be better. 








CMB82 said:


> She has not seen a lawyer as she doesn't want to use one as she thinks we can be civil enough to work it out ourselves, but has got contact info for a mediator and worked out a custody plan and child/spousal support, she has told her Mom and some friends also. We still share a bed and she has not asked me to move out yet but I pay all the bills.
> She is a good person and told me she doesn't want to break my heart but is not sure she can be in love with me again and just wants to be happy even if that is alone.


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## FeministInPink

Yeswecan said:


> Words + Actions....that need to continue. Not just for a week then back to the same old same old. You need to want the change, make the change and keep that change going.
> 
> 
> Leadership: definitely.


Yes. The change has to be permanent. If you stop and revert to old ways, it'll be over for you.



Yeswecan said:


> Don't think affair first. Some do hold it in until they can't take it anymore or there are those that are vocal and eventually call the ball.
> 
> My W was vocal. She called the ball of lack of attentiveness and anger issues of mine. Simply put, "Get it(lack of attention/anger) fixed or I'm gone."


I don't understand why people always jump the the affair thing first. Maybe because an affair means that the BS can avoid responsibility? I dunno.


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## FeministInPink

CMB82 said:


> Thanks @FeministInPink I have a plan and know what I need to do, I just struggle to get any feedback from her, if what i am doing is wrong I want her to tell me, its also hard day to day to be what you want and need to be when your so full of anxiety and there is so much uncertainty.
> 
> She is so angry that it took her getting to this point to make me wake up and I get that but I am awake now and just need the opportunity to fix it and get back on track again, I honestly feel if we can get through this then our marriage will be so much better than it has ever been.


If she's not cooperating, then just DO IT. It may take a while for her to give even the littlest inch, because she's assuming that if she waits you out long enough, you'll just go back to the way things were. Don't beg her for input or feedback if she's stonewalling or made it clear that she's not going to be an active participant. When she believes it's for real, she will come to you.

Ditto to @MEM2020's post above. Good advice.


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## 269370

Yeswecan said:


> Don't think affair first. Some do hold it in until they can't take it anymore or there are those that are vocal and eventually call the ball.
> 
> My W was vocal. She called the ball of lack of attentiveness and anger issues of mine. Simply put, "Get it(lack of attention/anger) fixed or I'm gone."


Yes but did she actually go? It's one thing to threaten and quite another, to actually do it.
I would *first* want to make sure before investing all my energy into trying to repair the damage.
Something doesn't seem right to me here.


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## MovingForward

MEM2020 said:


> Cmb,
> 
> Has she:
> 1. Seen a lawyer
> 2. Discussed moving out or asked you to move out
> 3. Moved out of the bedroom or asked you to
> 
> When did she say she wanted out, and what have you done in response?
> 
> Turns out - situations like these - the truth is your friend.
> 
> Here's the truth. A 100% commission job that isn't going very well is a terrific source of the raw materials of anger.
> 
> Anger is a secondary emotion, it comes from two sources: fear or hurt
> 
> Coming up a sales learning curve, lots of rejection (hurt), and low commissions (fear of failing as a provider) - is a great recipe for anger.


I missed your other question - Since she told me I have done a lot of self evaluation, been up/down and every other which way emotionally, I apologized verbally and with letters for things I have done in the past and told her there was never a bad intent, genuinely seen the errors I have made, asked her to be more open with me on what she needs as it turns out things i did which I thought made her happy weren't actually what she wanted. We had one session with a marriage counselor but she told me after her heart wasn't in it and was very hostile in the session. I have since seen the counselor solo since she didn't want to come back with me and I needed someone to talk to.


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## Yeswecan

inmyprime said:


> Yes but did she actually go? It's one thing to threaten and quite another, to actually do it.
> I would *first* want to make sure before investing all my energy into trying to repair the damage.
> Something doesn't seem right to me here.


My W said, "Fix it or she is out." The opportunity was to fix it. If I did nothing, knowing my W, she would have left.


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## Yeswecan

CMB82 said:


> I missed your other question - Since she told me I have done a lot of self evaluation, been up/down and every other which way emotionally, I apologized verbally and with letters for things I have done in the past and told her there was never a bad intent, genuinely seen the errors I have made, asked her to be more open with me on what she needs as it turns out things i did which I thought made her happy weren't actually what she wanted. We had one session with a marriage counselor but she told me after her heart wasn't in it and was very hostile in the session. I have since seen the counselor solo since she didn't want to come back with me and I needed someone to talk to.


It is far better to know what your W wants certainly. For your W not to tell you what she wants is not fair at all. 

Refusal to go to counselor after the first session is not a good sign for you. But it might also be a sign that she feels the counselor will find things in the relationship that she has done that will put a bad light on it.


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## MovingForward

MEM2020 said:


> Good.
> 
> First thing to do when you realize you're in a deep hole, is: stop digging
> 
> 1. Do playful, physical stuff with the kids - pillow fight - throw a ball around - whatever. It will help with your chronic anxiety.
> 2. Do NOT ask your wife for reassurance. Don't ask what she's thinking/planning. If she wants to talk, listen. Its ok to acknowledge your role - but - the anxious chatterbug thing is a huge turn off to women. So stick with this - soft and calm: I created this situation. So married or not - I'm going to try to make it up to you.
> 
> If she asks how you plan to do that: Just say - by being a good partner - instead of an emotional boat anchor dragging you underwater.
> 
> 3. Talking that YOU initiate needs to be limited to positive things.
> 
> And don't promise to 'be' better. Just be better.


This makes a lot of sense thanks I am so thankful for all the input from you all.


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## MovingForward

FeministInPink said:


> If she's not cooperating, then just DO IT. It may take a while for her to give even the littlest inch, because she's assuming that if she waits you out long enough, you'll just go back to the way things were. Don't beg her for input or feedback if she's stonewalling or made it clear that she's not going to be an active participant. When she believes it's for real, she will come to you.
> 
> Ditto to @MEM2020's post above. Good advice.


Thank you for your input and I really hope so


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## FeministInPink

CMB82 said:


> Thank you for your input and I really hope so


I hope so, too. Good luck 

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## 269370

FeministInPink said:


> Yes. The change has to be permanent. If you stop and revert to old ways, it'll be over for you.
> 
> 
> 
> I don't understand why people always jump the the affair thing first. Maybe because an affair means that the BS can avoid responsibility? I dunno.


This is the first time I suggested it here actually. From OP's writing, it seems to me that he is a caring and sensitive person who thinks deeply about issues. We all have stresses in our lives and many couples help each other get through these things.
Some wives stay in abusive marriages. I am not suggesting she should have stayed just that it normally takes A LOT of damage for someone to actually leave. Or people fall out of love (and often fall in love with somebody else).
I am not suggesting there actually *is* an affair. I am only suggesting for the OP *to make sure* there definitely *isn't* one as preventative measure. What is the harm?

Also: if someone is having an affair, it doesn't absolve anyone from any responsibility IMO.


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## MovingForward

inmyprime said:


> This is the first time I suggested it here actually. From OP's writing, it seems to me that he is a caring and sensitive person who thinks deeply about issues. We all have stresses in our lives and many couples help each other get through these things.
> Some wives stay in abusive marriages. I am not suggesting she should have stayed just that it normally takes A LOT of damage for someone to actually leave. Or people fall out of love (and often fall in love with somebody else).
> I am not suggesting there actually *is* an affair. I am only suggesting for the OP *to make sure* there definitely *isn't* one as preventative measure. What is the harm?
> 
> Also: if someone is having an affair, it doesn't absolve anyone from any responsibility IMO.


 @inmyprime I do appreciate all input here and people taking the time to put down thoughts/idea, I don't think she is having an affair but obviously i cannot guarantee that but from knowing her for so long I would find it hard to believe.


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## jb02157

FeministInPink said:


> And modern divorce laws don't favor women as much as they used to.


I have to respectfully disagree with you. Divorce laws and judges DO favor woman in almost every way. I have seen countless examples.


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## MovingForward

anchorwatch said:


> @CMB82,
> 
> Acknowledge your mistakes and correct them. When we know better we do better. Do not wallow in self punishment. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get to work.
> 
> "No one is ready for marriage. Marriage makes you ready for marriage." - David Schnarch


Sounds like the common theme is pick myself up and show the change, thanks for taking the time to respond


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## Yeswecan

CMB82 said:


> Sounds like the common theme is pick myself up and show the change, thanks for taking the time to respond


And keep the good change going. Picking yourself up and getting at it exudes confidence, determination and leading. All excellent qualities in all you do. 

Good luck!


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## FeministInPink

inmyprime said:


> This is the first time I suggested it here actually. From OP's writing, it seems to me that he is a caring and sensitive person who thinks deeply about issues. We all have stresses in our lives and many couples help each other get through these things.
> Some wives stay in abusive marriages. I am not suggesting she should have stayed just that it normally takes A LOT of damage for someone to actually leave. Or people fall out of love (and often fall in love with somebody else).
> I am not suggesting there actually *is* an affair. I am only suggesting for the OP *to make sure* there definitely *isn't* one as preventative measure. What is the harm?
> 
> Also: if someone is having an affair, it doesn't absolve anyone from any responsibility IMO.


I wan't trying to call you out specifically. It just seems to come up in every thread where the wife is unhappy in the marriage, and it's almost always suggested by a male poster. Like it's the default assumption, she's unhappy, she's probably having an affair. I feel like I see it a lot, as if no one's heard of walk-away-wife syndrome, which is what this case is, more likely.


----------



## FeministInPink

jb02157 said:


> I have to respectfully disagree with you. Divorce laws and judges DO favor woman in almost every way. I have seen countless examples.


In some states. Not all. I would have been royally screwed in my divorce if my XH decided to lawyer up. On paper, I earned so much more than he did that he could have sued me for alimony and won, because most of his income was under the table (even though he only made slightly less than I). And he could have taken half my retirement, because my retirement was considered marital funds while his weren't--but he wouldn't have had a retirement account at all, if I hadn't stopped him from cashing it out the year before we married.

So there's a counter example. Women with an education and a career are just as likely to get screwed.


----------



## 269370

CMB82 said:


> @inmyprime I do appreciate all input here and people taking the time to put down thoughts/idea, I don't think she is having an affair but obviously i cannot guarantee that but from knowing her for so long I would find it hard to believe.


And I very much hope that there isn't anyone else. If you do spend a bit of time reading some threads on "Coping with Infidelity" board, you will quickly see that the most unbelievable things tend to happen more often than people realise, and it's usually typical when someone is caught completely off-guard.
Again: I am not saying any of this applies to you. Just better be safe.

If it's all clear then I would try as best as I can to establish through conversations with your wife what it would take, to get another chance with her.

To be honest, I do feel it is rather more unbelievable that someone will throw away years of life together (with kids and everything) because they felt neglected (for how long?) during a very stressful time in a job. There must be more to the story.
I don't like to speculate (because this will invite hostile responses) but for someone who stays at home all day long, it is not unusual to develop an emotional bond with someone else (especially if *you* weren't available).

I made a mistake once trying to help a friend a while ago (who had very similar issues actually) advising him on every possible way how to try and mend things with his wife and win her over again. What I didn't know (nor did he) that his wife was already way past "checked out" and sleeping with another person for quite some time. It explained why counselling did absolutely nothing. Until you are *absolutely sure*, I would be cautious in how to proceed.


----------



## MovingForward

FeministInPink said:


> I wan't trying to call you out specifically. It just seems to come up in every thread where the wife is unhappy in the marriage, and it's almost always suggested by a male poster. Like it's the default assumption, she's unhappy, she's probably having an affair. I feel like I see it a lot, as if no one's heard of walk-away-wife syndrome, which is what this case is, more likely.


I have done a lot of reading recently and walk-away-wife syndrome always comes up, I had never heard the phrase before recently but it sounds exactly like my situation. Also looks and sounds pretty grim on the options to make amends but I'm still keeping some hope.


----------



## MEM2020

CMB,
You really only have one big enemy - and if you want to take his measure - go stand in front of a mirror. 

You come across as a genuinely good guy with one - large but likely fixable - issue. Anxiety. 

Most guys with walk away wives - are simply unable to address their own core issue or issues. You strike me as fairly self aware and pretty determined. 

I have/had similar issues. My guess is - you are probably more controlling than you realize. 





CMB82 said:


> I have done a lot of reading recently and walk-away-wife syndrome always comes up, I had never heard the phrase before recently but it sounds exactly like my situation. Also looks and sounds pretty grim on the options to make amends but I'm still keeping some hope.


----------



## 269370

FeministInPink said:


> I wan't trying to call you out specifically. It just seems to come up in every thread where the wife is unhappy in the marriage, and it's almost always suggested by a male poster. Like it's the default assumption, she's unhappy, she's probably having an affair. I feel like I see it a lot, as if no one's heard of walk-away-wife syndrome, which is what this case is, more likely.


Absolutely. But "unhappy" is really a very different animal from "leaving". The latter takes a lot more. I have also issued many threats during arguments, many times. I would never think of carrying them out (don't tell my wife).

Does a "walk- away-wife" mean there is never somebody else? Or does it also encompass situation where husbands *don't know* that there is somebody else.
I read threads where husbands have been checked out of marriages for years, addicted to porn, don't have sex with their wives are rude and abusive, where the wives actually have evidence that husband is cheating. A lot of them still don't leave! Of course every one is different and will react differently to any situation. Stress at work? I don't know. I do hope this is not the case.

Anyway, it's up to the OP to do his due diligence and mend things, where necessary. How old are the children?


----------



## arbitrator

*Is committed MC(marriage counseling) out of the question for the two of you?*


----------



## MovingForward

MEM2020 said:


> CMB,
> You really only have one big enemy - and if you want to take his measure - go stand in front of a mirror.
> 
> You come across as a genuinely good guy with one - large but likely fixable - issue. Anxiety.
> 
> Most guys with walk away wives - are simply unable to address their own core issue or issues. You strike me as fairly self aware and pretty determined.
> 
> I have/had similar issues. My guess is - you are probably more controlling than you realize.


I agree the issue is mine and the weird part about all this is I didn't realize how anxious i was until this all came to light, In one respect this happening has been great i feel like it forced me to open back up and start socializing again, I had moved to the US from another country where i had a large Network of friends and then spent a couple of years in my Wife's home state before we were forced to move to another State for work as we both were laid off at the same time and had a new born, I have never really had a chance or given myself a chance to make any close friends or have any form of social life and something always held me back I don't know what that was but its gone and I have already become more like my old self again which feels great.

My wife always 'forced' me to get out with her and other couples and to meet new people but I was just not open to it in the past for some reason.

It is a weird feeling to wake up one day and realize you have been hiding yourself in a bubble with no real explanation or reasoning.


----------



## MovingForward

inmyprime said:


> Absolutely. But "unhappy" is really a very different animal from "leaving". The latter takes a lot more. I have also issued many threats during arguments, many times. I would never think of carrying them out (don't tell my wife).
> 
> Does a "walk- away-wife" mean there is never somebody else? Or does it also encompass situation where husbands *don't know* that there is somebody else.
> I read threads where husbands have been checked out of marriages for years, addicted to porn, don't have sex with their wives are rude and abusive, where the wives actually have evidence that husband is cheating. A lot of them still don't leave! Of course every one is different and will react differently to any situation. Stress at work? I don't know. I do hope this is not the case.
> 
> Anyway, it's up to the OP to do his due diligence and mend things, where necessary. How old are the children?


Children are 5 and 8.


----------



## MovingForward

arbitrator said:


> *Is committed MC(marriage counseling) out of the question for the two of you?*


Working on it she is not sold yet that she wants to and thinks i should see a Counselor and work on myself.


----------



## arbitrator

CMB82 said:


> Working on it she is not sold yet that she wants to and thinks i should see a Counselor and work on myself.


*But I'm taking it that she feels that any MC or IC "work" doesn't really apply to her?*


----------



## MovingForward

arbitrator said:


> *Is committed MC(marriage counseling) out of the question for the two of you?*


I cannot get to page 4??? do i need to change my profile to view more pages?


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## MovingForward

CMB82 said:


> I cannot get to page 4??? do i need to change my profile to view more pages?


Figured It out had to use a different browser firefox wasn't working.


----------



## MovingForward

arbitrator said:


> *But I'm taking it that she feels that any MC or IC "work" doesn't really apply to her?*


She did one session but said her heart wasn't in it at the moment.


----------



## arbitrator

CMB82 said:


> I cannot get to page 4??? do i need to change my profile to view more pages?


*Beats the hell out of me! I'm having no problem getting over there!

Maybe one of our astute moderators can help out!*


----------



## MovingForward

I just want to tell everyone who took the time today on my post if I didn't already respond THANKS.


----------



## FeministInPink

inmyprime said:


> And I very much hope that there isn't anyone else. If you do spend a bit of time reading some threads on "Coping with Infidelity" board, you will quickly see that the most unbelievable things tend to happen more often than people realise, and it's usually typical when someone is caught completely off-guard.
> Again: I am not saying any of this applies to you. Just better be safe.
> 
> If it's all clear then I would try as best as I can to establish through conversations with your wife what it would take, to get another chance with her.
> 
> *To be honest, I do feel it is rather more unbelievable that someone will throw away years of life together (with kids and everything) because they felt neglected (for how long?) during a very stressful time in a job.* There must be more to the story.
> I don't like to speculate (because this will invite hostile responses) but for someone who stays at home all day long, it is not unusual to develop an emotional bond with someone else (especially if *you* weren't available).
> 
> I made a mistake once trying to help a friend a while ago (who had very similar issues actually) advising him on every possible way how to try and mend things with his wife and win her over again. What I didn't know (nor did he) that his wife was already way past "checked out" and sleeping with another person for quite some time. It explained why counselling did absolutely nothing. Until you are *absolutely sure*, I would be cautious in how to proceed.


This is a fair observation, but I'm guessing it was more of a snowball/spiral effect. The neglect from the work stress was the first domino to fall that triggered a longer pattern of both people pulling away, each in response to the other.


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## MEM2020

The best spouse is a type of - virtual mirror. They help you see yourself more fully. 

This is such a gift. Such a precious thing. 





CMB82 said:


> I agree the issue is mine and the weird part about all this is I didn't realize how anxious i was until this all came to light, In one respect this happening has been great i feel like it forced me to open back up and start socializing again, I had moved to the US from another country where i had a large Network of friends and then spent a couple of years in my Wife's home state before we were forced to move to another State for work as we both were laid off at the same time and had a new born, I have never really had a chance or given myself a chance to make any close friends or have any form of social life and something always held me back I don't know what that was but its gone and I have already become more like my old self again which feels great.
> 
> My wife always 'forced' me to get out with her and other couples and to meet new people but I was just not open to it in the past for some reason.
> 
> It is a weird feeling to wake up one day and realize you have been hiding yourself in a bubble with no real explanation or reasoning.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

CMB82 said:


> Hi I was hoping for advice from woman who have been in my Wives shoes or Husbands who have made the same mistakes I have.
> 
> We have been Married for 12 years and had a lot of great times, two beautiful children and a ton of fun, somewhere over the last 2 years things started to deteriorate, looking back I closed my self off from people, went through a rough patch at work and was going through the motions in life, instead of leaning on her tried to handle it all myself and ended up making her feel rejected and unloved, she tried to tell me she was feeling like this but in my haze I didn't see or hear.
> 
> Deep down I felt something not quite right but didn't know what or how to resolve it. Looking back I can see all this now and understand where I ****ed up but it took her telling me she wanted a divorce for me to realize this, I felt completely blindsided at first and I know that's my own fault.
> 
> I want so badly to undo the bad feelings I have left her with and to be the husband she deserves and I really feel like I can do that but not sure if it is too late?
> 
> She told me she is not sure if she can open back up to me again because she tried for so long and got so hurt she detached herself from me, she still loves me but is not in love with me currently.
> 
> If anyone has experienced this and got through it please help with any input.


Everyone here is awfully optimistic about your chances of success, which yes, is a nice thought, and some have succeeded. I am here from the other side, in that I WAS your wife...and I was DONE. After years of being ignored, treated as less than, etc...I was DONE and there wasnt a damn thing he could have done to make me stay or change my mind. I lost a lot of what respect I had left for him when, after I said I was leaving, he got clingy and overbearing... that made me run even faster, and I had already had my arrangements made. 

Not trying to be a downer, but giving you the reality of another viewpoint.


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## TheTruthHurts

3Xnocharm said:


> Everyone here is awfully optimistic about your chances of success, which yes, is a nice thought, and some have succeeded. I am here from the other side, in that I WAS your wife...and I was DONE. After years of being ignored, treated as less than, etc...I was DONE and there wasnt a damn thing he could have done to make me stay or change my mind. I lost a lot of what respect I had left for him when, after I said I was leaving, he got clingy and overbearing... that made me run even faster, and I had already had my arrangements made.
> 
> 
> 
> Not trying to be a downer, but giving you the reality of another viewpoint.




You did that after 2 years of your h being focused on work?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 3Xnocharm

TheTruthHurts said:


> You did that after 2 years of your h being focused on work?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Sorry for causing confusion, I was not ACTUALLY his wife... I meant that I was in the same place/frame of mind as his wife.


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## TheTruthHurts

3Xnocharm said:


> Sorry for causing confusion, I was not ACTUALLY his wife... I meant that I was in the same place/frame of mind as his wife.




No, I get that. But I'm kind of shocked that anyone would bail that quickly without intervention of some sort. I've got 35 years dating and marriage with LOML (love of my life) and I can say, without equivocation, that good and bad are our lives and a partner supports you through that. That's all. But if it's not really good when it's good then maybe the bad is that much worse? Idk - no way to tell what OP's W went through


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 269370

3Xnocharm said:


> Everyone here is awfully optimistic about your chances of success, which yes, is a nice thought, and some have succeeded. I am here from the other side, in that I WAS your wife...and I was DONE. After years of being ignored, treated as less than, etc...I was DONE and there wasnt a damn thing he could have done to make me stay or change my mind. I lost a lot of what respect I had left for him when, after I said I was leaving, he got clingy and overbearing... that made me run even faster, and I had already had my arrangements made.
> 
> 
> 
> Not trying to be a downer, but giving you the reality of another viewpoint.




What sorts of arrangements? What exactly did your husband do?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## JohnA

You need to read @DayOne story. The only thread I know of on this board that saved his marriage with a walk away wife http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/221290-day-one.html

As others point out, do not look to her, she has already outlined most of the issues. Look to yourself and use independent actions addressing these issues. Look how long Dayone went not talking with his wife. How many times he had to keep guessing. Look at how much distance she demanded.

To start create the family life she wanted. Become the active father. Become the thoughtful guy in ways that involve the entire family. Do you make breakfast? How about making Sunday brunch with the kids? Let her read a book until the meal is ready. 

Posted ideas on random acts of kindness. Don't ask her for ideas and don't ask for validation afterwards. I.e, did you like ....? If she acts resentful just shrug and say I understand but don't read anything into it, I don't. I didn't do it for you, or us, I did it for myself because I feit good doing it ! Do the samethimg with your kids. 

Keep going to MC!! Post their advise here at first because their are a lot of idots.


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## JohnA

CMB82, 

Very important question: what type of sales (not what but type) are in. 

For example hard sell one and done like car, or regular competitive bid periodically which is really one and done.

Or long term regular interaction which invovles providing goods or services and require integration into multiple aspects of a business? For example legal services. Yes it involves sales. New manufacturing process, legal issues, insurance issues etc. All of which the attorney provides a sold service for. New regulations or court rulings involving personal. The attorney provides pre-sold service to advise ownership, HR dept and department heads on how to implement. While the term used for payment is fees truth is they are commission. 

The answer is important because each type of sales require a different skill set. The skill set you have will bleed over into your personal relationships. One will get you though the door quickly and often, and get you out of trouble till it does not (walk away wife). The other first and foremost keeps on the room and out of trouble.


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## 3Xnocharm

inmyprime said:


> What sorts of arrangements? What exactly did your husband do?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I had already paid retainer to an attorney and had a place rented. Are you asking what he did that made me want to divorce in the first place?


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## 269370

3Xnocharm said:


> I had already paid retainer to an attorney and had a place rented. Are you asking what he did that made me want to divorce in the first place?




Yes. I'm curious what makes women leave all of a sudden.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 269370

And also, did you have somebody else or did you stay alone after you left?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 3Xnocharm

inmyprime said:


> Yes. I'm curious what makes women leave all of a sudden.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I didnt leave all of a sudden.

He ignored me. He never treated me like a partner, or an important part of his life... I was barely an afterthought. There was no affection from him. He was very selfish and self absorbed. He was anti social, never wanted to go out and do anything, or spend time with other people, not even his own family. I went to most of my family's functions alone. He had a tendency to drink too much, by himself. He had anger issues. (he shoved me down one time, over a chair) He had depression that he would not address. He brought home his work problems, and would complain and b!tch constantly about it. He stopped caring about his appearance, and would come to bed in his dirty work clothes, and drunk at least twice a week. We had a baby daughter, and he barely had anything to do with her, I was raising her basically by myself. 

I decided I was never having sex with him again, and I didnt... we hadnt been intimate for two years when I left. I couldnt do it, he disgusted me. Sex was never any fun, he was clear that it was something I was expected to and obligated to provide, and would get very angry when I would turn it down. Add to that ZERO affection shown to me otherwise, the drunkeness, and the grossness of him being dirty from work....ugh. I think at that time, it didnt occur to me that my marriage was over, stupid as that may sound. 

I tried to get him to go to marriage counseling and he would not go, would tell me that things "arent that bad", and that I was the one with the problem. Well, when one partner thinks things ARE that bad, then they ARE. He didnt care that I wasnt happy, he made that very clear. My concerns and feelings were completely dismissed, and I basically just existed in the house with him.


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## 269370

3Xnocharm said:


> I didnt leave all of a sudden.
> 
> He ignored me. He never treated me like a partner, or an important part of his life... I was barely an afterthought. There was no affection from him. He was very selfish and self absorbed. He was anti social, never wanted to go out and do anything, or spend time with other people, not even his own family. I went to most of my family's functions alone. He had a tendency to drink too much, by himself. He had anger issues. (he shoved me down one time, over a chair) He had depression that he would not address. He brought home his work problems, and would complain and b!tch constantly about it. He stopped caring about his appearance, and would come to bed in his dirty work clothes, and drunk at least twice a week. We had a baby daughter, and he barely had anything to do with her, I was raising her basically by myself.
> 
> I decided I was never having sex with him again, and I didnt... we hadnt been intimate for two years when I left. I couldnt do it, he disgusted me. Sex was never any fun, he was clear that it was something I was expected to and obligated to provide, and would get very angry when I would turn it down. Add to that ZERO affection shown to me otherwise, the drunkeness, and the grossness of him being dirty from work....ugh. I think at that time, it didnt occur to me that my marriage was over, stupid as that may sound.
> 
> I tried to get him to go to marriage counseling and he would not go, would tell me that things "arent that bad", and that I was the one with the problem. Well, when one partner thinks things ARE that bad, then they ARE. He didnt care that I wasnt happy, he made that very clear. My concerns and feelings were completely dismissed, and I basically just existed in the house with him.


That sounds terrible. Seems like he suffers from alcoholism and just didn't give a .... Was it very different in the beginning with him? I find it difficult to understand how people can change so much. OP doesn't strike me as the same type. 99% of men are focused on their work. Women partly expect them to, if they are providing. Sometimes it gets to much and the balance tips but it seems leaving is a bit extreme since it's just due to work. Of course I don't know their situation exactly.

So did you find someone else after your husband or while you were still with him?


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

CMB82 said:


> She has not seen a lawyer as she doesn't want to use one as she thinks we can be civil enough to work it out ourselves, but has got contact info for a mediator and worked out a custody plan and child/spousal support, she has told her Mom and some friends also. We still share a bed and she has not asked me to move out yet but I pay all the bills.
> She is a good person and told me she doesn't want to break my heart but is not sure she can be in love with me again and just wants to be happy even if that is alone.


It's all fine and well that she's done and wants to move on, but her ass needs to get out and get a J.O.B.

Does she just expect *you* to support her her whole entire life? Good Christ.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

inmyprime said:


> Yes. I'm curious what makes women leave all of a sudden.


I have to laugh every time I hear a man say this.

Women just don't usually up and leave "all of a sudden." It's not like they get up on a Tuesday morning and decide they've had it. More times than not, they've been trying to tell their husbands what's wrong and for a lot of these guys, they blow it off or consider it nagging or consider it feminine drama or just want the 'talking/nagging' to stop.

Finally, when the wife is fed up because she can't resolve the issues, she files for divorce and inevitably, the guy is asking WHY she's leaving him 'all of a sudden..'

The OP is yet another of these guys who IGNORED his wife's requests again and again and again to try to mend what was broken. Surprise, surprise - she now wants a divorce.

Happens all the time.


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## JohnA

Yes he did but the question is what now and what going forward. We only know what we he posts. What he posts is a daily, daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, decade long fatigue with flash of joy that at a point in time never include him. Two people, one space in complete isolation. 

Hence my question about what type of sales. Each requires a different interpersonal skill set. 

What stands out about DayOne's thread is his grim determination. How he kept postings and engaging posters in trying to discover how to be a better husband. How his wife finally engaged with him and after time began to learn how to engage with him. Learn to engage with him when the marriage began to renew. She began to learn his language and how to use it as he did her's.


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## Marc878

Just to be on the safe side you'd better check your phone bill. Go online. Takes about 15 minutes


----------



## GusPolinski

CMB82 said:


> Hi I was hoping for advice from woman who have been in my Wives shoes or Husbands who have made the same mistakes I have.
> 
> We have been Married for 12 years and had a lot of great times, two beautiful children and a ton of fun, somewhere over the last 2 years things started to deteriorate, looking back I closed my self off from people, went through a rough patch at work and was going through the motions in life, instead of leaning on her tried to handle it all myself and ended up making her feel rejected and unloved, she tried to tell me she was feeling like this but in my haze I didn't see or hear.
> 
> Deep down I felt something not quite right but didn't know what or how to resolve it. Looking back I can see all this now and understand where I ****ed up but it took her telling me she wanted a divorce for me to realize this, I felt completely blindsided at first and I know that's my own fault.
> 
> I want so badly to undo the bad feelings I have left her with and to be the husband she deserves and I really feel like I can do that but not sure if it is too late?
> 
> She told me she is not sure if she can open back up to me again because she tried for so long and got so hurt she detached herself from me, she still loves me but is not in love with me currently.
> 
> If anyone has experienced this and got through it please help with any input.


Find out who the boyfriend is.


----------



## 269370

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I have to laugh every time I hear a man say this.
> 
> Women just don't usually up and leave "all of a sudden." It's not like they get up on a Tuesday morning and decide they've had it. More times than not, they've been trying to tell their husbands what's wrong and for a lot of these guys, they blow it off or consider it nagging or consider it feminine drama or just want the 'talking/nagging' to stop.
> 
> Finally, when the wife is fed up because she can't resolve the issues, she files for divorce and inevitably, the guy is asking WHY she's leaving him 'all of a sudden..'
> 
> The OP is yet another of these guys who IGNORED his wife's requests again and again and again to try to mend what was broken. Surprise, surprise - she now wants a divorce.
> 
> Happens all the time.


That's not how I meant it. I am sure there is a build up over time but the suffering spouse doesn't just get up and leave, they usually find someone else first (an "escape" partner) to help them get out of a hopeless situation. That's what I observed often happening. They don't just leave into the dark unknown and women seem to tolerate a lot of pain until they have an escape "plan" with regards to themselves and the children (if any). I am sure you also read here many times things like "leaving now would be out of the question because of <insert practical reason such as finances, children, job security, insurance etc>". Women are also rational beings. My point is, what is the threshold until things start getting into motion and when they become irreversible. I would have thought, that they are still reversible as long as there is no other partner, because it's a very difficult decision to go through alone.


----------



## MovingForward

Looks like it is over, she is filing for Divorce and has a Mediator booked. She said she loves me but is not in Love and feels like she should have stronger feelings for a husband and she can't see herself being happy with me again as too much has happened.

We are putting house on Market next week but will continue to be living together until it sells.

Not sure what I should be doing anymore feeling very lost.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Focus on yourself and detach. Also you should probably do a consult with an attorney just to be sure what your rights are, before you go to the mediator.


----------



## MovingForward

3Xnocharm said:


> Focus on yourself and detach. Also you should probably do a consult with an attorney just to be sure what your rights are, before you go to the mediator.


How do you detach? I wanted to move out but read it can be classed as abandonment, lose me child privileges and also end up costing me more showing I am willing to support 2 households.

Weird she is being super nice, gave me a massage last night, slept in same bed, she hugged me all night told me I am so special to her and we both made mistakes etc and we will always be part of each others lives. Its hard when I still want it to work and Clinging on to some hope.


----------



## Ynot

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I have to laugh every time I hear a man say this.
> 
> Women just don't usually up and leave "all of a sudden." It's not like they get up on a Tuesday morning and decide they've had it. More times than not, they've been trying to tell their husbands what's wrong and for a lot of these guys, they blow it off or consider it nagging or consider it feminine drama or just want the 'talking/nagging' to stop.
> 
> Finally, when the wife is fed up because she can't resolve the issues, she files for divorce and inevitably, the guy is asking WHY she's leaving him 'all of a sudden..'
> 
> The OP is yet another of these guys who IGNORED his wife's requests again and again and again to try to mend what was broken. Surprise, surprise - she now wants a divorce.
> 
> Happens all the time.


And I have to laugh every time I read this kind of crap. So yeah, maybe she did try to tell him and he didn't get it. But maybe it was because the woman wasn't entirely clear or maybe because she turned around an undermined her message by her actions? Or maybe it was just that the woman had already "solved" the problem amongst her BFFs and woe to the stupid guy who was identified as the problem? It just cracks me up every time I read this BS from women, it was never their fault, it is always the stupid guy that didn't get it. "It happens all the time" yet we are constantly told that women are the keepers of the relationship and the better communicators?
I just wish for once some woman would just admit the truth - they fell out of love and wanted out. Instead we get this kind of excuse making about how the man just didn't get it.


----------



## 269370

CMB82 said:


> How do you detach? I wanted to move out but read it can be classed as abandonment, lose me child privileges and also end up costing me more showing I am willing to support 2 households.
> 
> 
> 
> Weird she is being super nice, gave me a massage last night, slept in same bed, she hugged me all night told me I am so special to her and we both made mistakes etc and we will always be part of each others lives. Its hard when I still want it to work and Clinging on to some hope.




This is so strange, it's spooky. Why would she act all nice if she is supposedly hurt from you ignoring her? Something doesn't seem right. The last paragraph shows that she feels guilty about something. Have you asked her the question?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## FeministInPink

I agree with @3Xnocharm. If she's decided that she's done with the marriage and she's filed, there's not much to be done. Focus on taking care of yourself the best you can, and be sure to consult your own lawyer before meeting with the mediator.

I forget, are you in IC? If now, now would be a good time for that.


----------



## FeministInPink

Ynot said:


> And I have to laugh every time I read this kind of crap. So yeah, maybe she did try to tell him and he didn't get it. But maybe it was because the woman wasn't entirely clear or maybe because she turned around an undermined her message by her actions? Or maybe it was just that the woman had already "solved" the problem amongst her BFFs and woe to the stupid guy who was identified as the problem? It just cracks me up every time I read this BS from women, it was never their fault, it is always the stupid guy that didn't get it. "It happens all the time" yet we are constantly told that women are the keepers of the relationship and the better communicators?
> I just wish for once some woman would just admit the truth - they fell out of love and wanted out. Instead we get this kind of excuse making about how the man just didn't get it.


If we fall out of love, it's because the man DIDN'T LISTEN and was neglecting our needs. It's not crap. Please stop trying to dismiss the real experiences of many, many women.

It's too long ago for me to remember the details any more, but when I went into MC with my XH, I had a list of specific examples of times when I told him that I was unhappy and that we had problems, in which he placated me, rugswept, and dismissed my feelings of having any validity. After a while, I couldn't take the emotional rejection and abandonment, and I just gave up. I stopped voicing these things because they weren't being heard, and that is when I fell out of love with my XH. Because he didn't listen and neglected my needs.

Love is an ACTION, not just a feeling. People don't just randomly fall out of love, the same way people don't just randomly fall IN love. People fall in/out of love for specific reasons, and it is because the other person is either meeting their needs, or is not.


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## FeministInPink

CMB82 said:


> How do you detach? I wanted to move out but read it can be classed as abandonment, lose me child privileges and also end up costing me more showing I am willing to support 2 households.
> 
> Weird she is being super nice, gave me a massage last night, slept in same bed, she hugged me all night told me I am so special to her and we both made mistakes etc and we will always be part of each others lives. Its hard when I still want it to work and Clinging on to some hope.


Well, if she's decided that she's going to file for divorce, move out of the bedroom. If she doesn't WANT you, she doesn't get to HAVE you. Move out of the bedroom, and do the 180. If she wants a divorce, show her what that really means. Don't let on that you are clinging to hope. Show her that you have accepted that she wants out of the marriage, and that you are ready to move on. Move out of the bedroom, and do the 180.

This is for YOU and your kids. Do this, focus on you.


----------



## MovingForward

inmyprime said:


> This is so strange, it's spooky. Why would she act all nice if she is supposedly hurt from you ignoring her? Something doesn't seem right. The last paragraph shows that she feels guilty about something. Have you asked her the question?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I have asked many times and she told me no every time. 

She told me she is devastated and cant believe this happened to us and she never thought this would happen, I am just torn on what to do or think.


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## Ynot

FeministInPink said:


> If we fall out of love, it's because the man DIDN'T LISTEN and was neglecting our needs. It's not crap. Please stop trying to dismiss the real experiences of many, many women.
> 
> It's too long ago for me to remember the details any more, but when I went into MC with my XH, I had a list of specific examples of times when I told him that I was unhappy and that we had problems, in which he placated me, rugswept, and dismissed my feelings of having any validity. After a while, I couldn't take the emotional rejection and abandonment, and I just gave up. I stopped voicing these things because they weren't being heard, and that is when I fell out of love with my XH. Because he didn't listen and neglected my needs.
> 
> Love is an ACTION, not just a feeling. People don't just randomly fall out of love, the same way people don't just randomly fall IN love. People fall in/out of love for specific reasons, and it is because the other person is either meeting their needs, or is not.


Oh please! You fell out of love so it was some dumb man's fault? You fell out of love because there were other issues, issues that went far beyond some dipstick NOT listening! So I would ask you, along with every other woman, spewing this crap to please stop dismissing the real experiences of many, many men. Here is a fact - men and women communicate differently. We often don't comprehend what the other sex is saying because most of us don't understand that simple fact. I would venture to guess that most successful relationships are predicated on the effort of both sides to learn to communicate with each other. But "telling" some one something is far different than "communicating" something in a manner that is understood. Because here is another fact - it "wouldn't happen all the time" were this not the case.


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## MovingForward

FeministInPink said:


> I agree with @3Xnocharm. If she's decided that she's done with the marriage and she's filed, there's not much to be done. Focus on taking care of yourself the best you can, and be sure to consult your own lawyer before meeting with the mediator.
> 
> I forget, are you in IC? If now, now would be a good time for that.


Yes I am in IC if I wasn't I don't think I would be able to stay sane.


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## MovingForward

FeministInPink said:


> Well, if she's decided that she's going to file for divorce, move out of the bedroom. If she doesn't WANT you, she doesn't get to HAVE you. Move out of the bedroom, and do the 180. If she wants a divorce, show her what that really means. Don't let on that you are clinging to hope. Show her that you have accepted that she wants out of the marriage, and that you are ready to move on. Move out of the bedroom, and do the 180.
> 
> This is for YOU and your kids. Do this, focus on you.


I understand, sounds really pathetic but I felt like I needed her also, this is honestly the worst time of my life and I am really struggling to accept it is over.

I will move to spare room tonight and move some clothes up there to give her space, I just don't know how I am supposed to be around her, we still have lots of joint family duties together with the kids so not sure how that is going to work


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## 269370

CMB82 said:


> I have asked many times and she told me no every time.
> 
> 
> 
> She told me she is devastated and cant believe this happened to us and she never thought this would happen, I am just torn on what to do or think.




Interesting. Does she have an explanation Why 'this happened to us'? I know you offered an explanation but what is her version of the events?
'Falling out of love' i know is possible of course but very difficult to comprehend. One begins to doubt how sound the foundations of any relationship are in the first place when something like this can hit one pretty much out of nowhere.
Im very sorry.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 3Xnocharm

CMB82 said:


> How do you detach? I wanted to move out but read it can be classed as abandonment, lose me child privileges and also end up costing me more showing I am willing to support 2 households.
> 
> Weird she is being super nice, gave me a massage last night, slept in same bed, she hugged me all night told me I am so special to her and we both made mistakes etc and we will always be part of each others lives. Its hard when I still want it to work and Clinging on to some hope.


Well this kind of crap needs to stop NOW. Stop sharing a bedroom for starters! You stop talking with her about anything not related to the divorce, sale of the house, or kids. Start treating her like a business associate, be cordial, but not personal. There is a link to the 180 on the site somewhere, I will see if I can find it and post it here for you. You are allowing her WAAAYYY too much leash...keep in mind at all times that she has chosen to divorce you. She is trying to keep up appearance so she doesnt look like the b!tch, and to keep you on the line in case she needs to use you for something or a new boyfriend doesnt work out. Dont allow her to do that.

EDIT... This didnt post when I thought it did, I see FIP already linked The 180. Read it, live it.


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## farsidejunky

FeministInPink said:


> Well, if she's decided that she's going to file for divorce, move out of the bedroom. If she doesn't WANT you, she doesn't get to HAVE you. Move out of the bedroom, and do the 180. If she wants a divorce, show her what that really means. Don't let on that you are clinging to hope. Show her that you have accepted that she wants out of the marriage, and that you are ready to move on. Move out of the bedroom, and do the 180.
> 
> This is for YOU and your kids. Do this, focus on you.


QFT.


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## MovingForward

FeministInPink said:


> Well, if she's decided that she's going to file for divorce, move out of the bedroom. If she doesn't WANT you, she doesn't get to HAVE you. Move out of the bedroom, and do the 180. If she wants a divorce, show her what that really means. Don't let on that you are clinging to hope. Show her that you have accepted that she wants out of the marriage, and that you are ready to move on. Move out of the bedroom, and do the 180.
> 
> This is for YOU and your kids. Do this, focus on you.


Thanks for posting the link to the 180


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## FeministInPink

CMB82 said:


> Thanks for posting the link to the 180


You're welcome. Good luck.

Listen, I have always lived by the following: _why would I want someone who doesn't want me?_

Trying to make it work with someone who has decided they don't want it, well that never works and it just hurts you more. Focus on taking care of you, and being strong for you and your kids, and know that you will be ok on the other side, no matter what happens.

You said you don't know how to avoid her, since you have kids and whatnot. Divide parenting duties, if you can, so you don't have to be in the same room together. And if you're in the same room, engage with the kids, not her. If she speaks to you, give her the bare minimum of an answer, and return your attention to the kids. Don't be hostile, keep it positive in front of the kids. And tell her that what happened last night isn't going to happen. She wants a divorce, tell her she can have it, and as far as you're concerned, that begins today. 

You might want to google "in house separation" for more ideas/tips.


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## turnera

I didn't see - did you follow up looking at phone records, texting, internet to see who she's been talking to?


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## MovingForward

FeministInPink said:


> You're welcome. Good luck.
> 
> Listen, I have always lived by the following: _why would I want someone who doesn't want me?_
> 
> Trying to make it work with someone who has decided they don't want it, well that never works and it just hurts you more. Focus on taking care of you, and being strong for you and your kids, and know that you will be ok on the other side, no matter what happens.
> 
> You said you don't know how to avoid her, since you have kids and whatnot. Divide parenting duties, if you can, so you don't have to be in the same room together. And if you're in the same room, engage with the kids, not her. If she speaks to you, give her the bare minimum of an answer, and return your attention to the kids. Don't be hostile, keep it positive in front of the kids. And tell her that what happened last night isn't going to happen. She wants a divorce, tell her she can have it, and as far as you're concerned, that begins today.
> 
> You might want to google "in house separation" for more ideas/tips.


Sounds good, its the mixed signals sometimes I feel like she doesn't really want this but is so angry that she feels like she cant turn back I just don't know honestly, the last few weeks have been the best we have got on in a long time. 

Crazy how helpful everyone is I usually feel better after speaking to people on here than I do after a session with the Councilor.

I guess its time to get back into some of my hobbies and get a Social life.


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## MovingForward

inmyprime said:


> Interesting. Does she have an explanation Why 'this happened to us'? I know you offered an explanation but what is her version of the events?
> 'Falling out of love' i know is possible of course but very difficult to comprehend. One begins to doubt how sound the foundations of any relationship are in the first place when something like this can hit one pretty much out of nowhere.
> Im very sorry.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Just that we were both at fault and too much water under the bridge.


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## MovingForward

turnera said:


> I didn't see - did you follow up looking at phone records, texting, internet to see who she's been talking to?


I have not, I guess no need at this point either if its over I guess I don't need to find out anything else.


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## Lostinthought61

CMB82 said:


> I have not, I guess no need at this point either if its over I guess I don't need to find out anything else.



Until the next time...


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## FeministInPink

CMB82 said:


> Sounds good, its the mixed signals sometimes I feel like she doesn't really want this but is so angry that she feels like she cant turn back I just don't know honestly, the last few weeks have been the best we have got on in a long time.
> 
> Crazy how helpful everyone is I usually feel better after speaking to people on here than I do after a session with the Councilor.
> 
> I guess its time to get back into some of my hobbies and get a Social life.


Sometimes, when people have made up their mind about what they're going to do (divorce), it sets their mind at ease and they relax, which allows them to be more cordial and amicable.

Don't be mean to her, you can still be amicable; just detach.



CMB82 said:


> Just that we were both at fault and too much water under the bridge.


That's a BS reason. Either there's a real reason she isn't telling you, she actually doesn't want this but she feels like she can't turn back.

If you do the 180, it may be enough of a shock to her system that she comes back to you. The 180 has saved some people's marriages--but that's not why you do it. You do the 180 to make yourself stronger emotionally to weather the storm of the coming divorce, and to reclaim who you are as a person.


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## 269370

CMB82 said:


> Just that we were both at fault and too much water under the bridge.


I wonder what she considers to be _her_ fault, in her eyes...
Because even though you are (apparently) also at fault, at least you would be willing to work/fight for it while she is throwing in the towel...Life is strange sometimes.

I agree with others; at this point it is better to detach yourself emotionally (if you can't detach physically/geographically, though that would be better and possibly necessary).
It's not really fair to you that while she's indulging into saying her goodbyes to you (with massage or whatever), you might be mis-interpreting it as regret. It's actually pretty cruel on the face of it.


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## TheTruthHurts

Maybe you should change "reconnecting" to "disconnecting" in the thread title.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## turnera

CMB82 said:


> I have not, I guess no need at this point either if its over I guess I don't need to find out anything else.


If you still want to be married to her, you ABSOLUTELY must check because you will never stay together if she's cheating. If you are ready and excited to divorce her, you're right - don't check.


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## GusPolinski

CMB82 said:


> How do you detach? I wanted to move out but read it can be classed as abandonment, lose me child privileges and also end up costing me more showing I am willing to support 2 households.
> 
> Weird she is being super nice, gave me a massage last night, slept in same bed, she hugged me all night told me I am so special to her and we both made mistakes etc and we will always be part of each others lives. Its hard when I still want it to work and Clinging on to some hope.


Poor guy.

You're going to be destroyed when you find out that she's had a boyfriend for (at least) the past several weeks.


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## GusPolinski

CMB82 said:


> I have not, I guess no need at this point either if its over I guess I don't need to find out anything else.


If having evidence could keep you from paying alimony then start digging.

If it doesn't matter one way or the other (or if alimony isn't in the picture at all), just detach, let her go, and move on.

I wouldn't let her be the one to file, though -- get out in front and file yourself.

Otherwise you risk getting run through the wringer once she gets dumped in a month or two.


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## MovingForward

inmyprime said:


> I wonder what she considers to be _her_ fault, in her eyes...
> Because even though you are (apparently) also at fault, at least you would be willing to work/fight for it while she is throwing in the towel...Life is strange sometimes.
> 
> I agree with others; at this point it is better to detach yourself emotionally (if you can't detach physically/geographically, though that would be better and possibly necessary).
> It's not really fair to you that while she's indulging into saying her goodbyes to you (with massage or whatever), you might be mis-interpreting it as regret. It's actually pretty cruel on the face of it.


Not sure exactly what she considers her fault. I got a few messages from her and she wanted to come to see counselor with me last night for some reason but couldn't find anyone to watch the kids.

Moved into the spare room last night and told her I don't want any physical contact anymore, she was visibility upset but I cant deal with mixed signals anymore time to try and move on.


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## Lostinthought61

CMB82 said:


> Not sure exactly what she considers her fault. I got a few messages from her and she wanted to come to see counselor with me last night for some reason but couldn't find anyone to watch the kids.
> 
> Moved into the spare room last night and told her I don't want any physical contact anymore, she was visibility upset but I cant deal with mixed signals anymore time to try and move on.


Did you explain yourself as to why you do not want any physical contact with her? you really need to sit down with her in a quiet place away from the kids and find out what what she means it is her fault....


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## MovingForward

Xenote said:


> Did you explain yourself as to why you do not want any physical contact with her? you really need to sit down with her in a quiet place away from the kids and find out what what she means it is her fault....


Yes I told her I don't think it is right if we are moving forward with Divorce. She didn't say it is her fault she said its is both our faults.


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## Lostinthought61

have you asked her what she wants? have you asked her is there someone else ? 
and have you asked her what you want?


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## MovingForward

Xenote said:


> have you asked her what she wants? have you asked her is there someone else ?
> and have you asked her what you want?


Yes I asked what she wants and she told me to 'just to be happy', she told me she see's me as a best friend but there is no romantic feelings and she wishes there was but she cant make herself feel something. I asked if someone else on a few occasions and she has told me no every time but I am not 100% certain on that part and cant prove otherwise.

I was speaking with counselor last night and something I had not thought about since I was so devastated when it came out was all this happened when I first asked her if she was seeing someone else, then she told me all the stuff about how she was unhappy but there is no one else but she doesn't want to be with me anymore as we don't make each other happy etc. etc. The counselor told me its doesn't necessarily mean anything and it could have just felt like that was a good time to break the news she had been holding in.


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## Ynot

CMB, I was in your shoes. It sucks! But you need to do what is best for you. One way to do that is to start thinking about you, instead of her. I noticed you said you were moving to the spare room to give her space. Don't move to the spare room to give her space, move to the spare room to give YOU space. There are a boat load of other things I noticed in your posts, but one other thing I would suggest is to do the 180 for YOU, not to try to save your marriage or to reconnect with your wife. Do it for YOU. Find hobbies that interest you, activities you enjoy, make new friends find yourself. But do all of these things for YOU not for her.
In the immediate aftermath of my divorce I did lots of things. First for her, then to show her I was a "new" me, then to prove to her that I was desirable. I continued acting in ways that were largely motivated by her for many months. Even dating and having sex with other women were activities I did "to show her!" It has only been recently that I have begun to act for myself and in my interests. So whatever you do going forward, try to do so for YOU and nobody else.


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## MovingForward

Ynot said:


> CMB, I was in your shoes. It sucks! But you need to do what is best for you. One way to do that is to start thinking about you, instead of her. I noticed you said you were moving to the spare room to give her space. Don't move to the spare room to give her space, move to the spare room to give YOU space. There are a boat load of other things I noticed in your posts, but one other thing I would suggest is to do the 180 for YOU, not to try to save your marriage or to reconnect with your wife. Do it for YOU. Find hobbies that interest you, activities you enjoy, make new friends find yourself. But do all of these things for YOU not for her.
> In the immediate aftermath of my divorce I did lots of things. First for her, then to show her I was a "new" me, then to prove to her that I was desirable. I continued acting in ways that were largely motivated by her for many months. Even dating and having sex with other women were activities I did "to show her!" It has only been recently that I have begun to act for myself and in my interests. So whatever you do going forward, try to do so for YOU and nobody else.


You make so much sense its its just so hard to think about moving on when I really don't want to. I have some days or parts of days when I am set that I accept it and am moving on and try and be positive about all new changes I can make but then I have times when I can't accept it and fall apart again, I still have really strong feelings for her so its hard to switch off. 

She asked me to come back in the bedroom again last night but I told her I would prefer not to and slept in the spare room again(even though I would have loved to)

Did you ever get back with your wife and were children involved? That all terrifies me never lived apart from my children and don't know how they will handle it.


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## 3Xnocharm

CMB82 said:


> She asked me to come back in the bedroom again last night but I told her I would prefer not to and slept in the spare room again(even though I would have loved to)


You did good! Keep this up. She is only trying to manipulate you, so keep that in mind so you protect yourself.


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## Ynot

CMB82 said:


> You make so much sense its its just so hard to think about moving on when I really don't want to. I have some days or parts of days when I am set that I accept it and am moving on and try and be positive about all new changes I can make but then I have times when I can't accept it and fall apart again, I still have really strong feelings for her so its hard to switch off.
> 
> She asked me to come back in the bedroom again last night but I told her I would prefer not to and slept in the spare room again(even though I would have loved to)
> 
> Did you ever get back with your wife and were children involved? That all terrifies me never lived apart from my children and don't know how they will handle it.


Her wanting you to come back to the bedroom is just weird, especially if she is the one who wants divorce. It is either an attempt to maintain her image or an attempt to maintain control over you. My ex did not do this, although she did engage in other behavior to keep up the appearances and/or remain in control. In many cases it worked. In regards to her image, I have no control over that, ultimately those who know her will realize who she is regardless of how she may try to "message" them. In regards to having control over me, I had to fight that demon myself. Because in the end, it was me ceding control over my happiness to her. She knew this and made the effort to continue this, as she knew what buttons to push to get me to act in certain ways.

I mentioned in another thread that my ex staged events to make it all appear as though everything was my fault. In retrospect this was yet another effort on her part to manage her image and to remain in control.

My children were grown and our youngest had just graduated and moved away when my ex left. I felt as though I was being abandoned as my job (providing) was done, my services were no longer required and I was no longer needed. I had paid all the bills, maintained the house, had taken on much of the housekeeping, laundry, cooking etc. I had struggled to pay my daughters college tuition and often did without so my family (and my ex) could have more. In the meantime, she splurged on spending. She shopped, went on girl's weekends, took a couple of cruises with her "Girlies", blew through a savings account we had set up for our daughters wedding. So my sense of betrayal and desertion was pretty strong.

My reaction was to finish blowing up my world. I closed my business, I sold our house, I gave up my friends and all of my day to day life by moving 125 miles away (but closer to my daughter), I moved into an apartment, took a corporate job and sank into depression. It took a while, but eventually I began to fashion a new life for myself. At first I tried to hold on to some of the old. Eventually I realized I had all the opportunities I could have ever wanted right in front me. And now, for the first time ever I had the freedom to pursue them. Not only the opportunity but the experience to truly profit from them. Now, you have the same. Take some time, it won't happen over night. Be patient. Be forgiving of your self. Learn from whatever mistakes you may have made. Become not a better version of who you were, but live up to the potential of what you always knew you could be if only (name your excuse here).

You will fail. Mistakes will be made. But this is not failure. This is a lesson. Take those lessons and become even stronger because of them. Don't worry about thinking about your past. I still do it all the time. In fact today is my ex's birthday, I wonder what she is up to. I think about what I would have been doing for her. This is natural. But I also know, it doesn't matter. Today, I am doing things I would not have been able to do had I still been married. Tonight, I am going to have a new sexual experience, that I would not have been having had I remained married. Tomorrow, I plan to do nothing - because that is what I want to do, not because I don't have anything to do. That is something I would not have been able to do had I still been married.

One of the things you will discover is that far from being apart from your children you will have the opportunity to develop a stronger relationship with them. For the first time ever, you will be able to relate to them as YOU, instead of as part of "us" or "we". You will be able to develop interests with them apart from any input or influence "she" may want to impose.

Be strong.


----------



## MovingForward

Ynot said:


> Her wanting you to come back to the bedroom is just weird, especially if she is the one who wants divorce. It is either an attempt to maintain her image or an attempt to maintain control over you. My ex did not do this, although she did engage in other behavior to keep up the appearances and/or remain in control. In many cases it worked. In regards to her image, I have no control over that, ultimately those who know her will realize who she is regardless of how she may try to "message" them. In regards to having control over me, I had to fight that demon myself. Because in the end, it was me ceding control over my happiness to her. She knew this and made the effort to continue this, as she knew what buttons to push to get me to act in certain ways.
> 
> I mentioned in another thread that my ex staged events to make it all appear as though everything was my fault. In retrospect this was yet another effort on her part to manage her image and to remain in control.
> 
> My children were grown and our youngest had just graduated and moved away when my ex left. I felt as though I was being abandoned as my job (providing) was done, my services were no longer required and I was no longer needed. I had paid all the bills, maintained the house, had taken on much of the housekeeping, laundry, cooking etc. I had struggled to pay my daughters college tuition and often did without so my family (and my ex) could have more. In the meantime, she splurged on spending. She shopped, went on girl's weekends, took a couple of cruises with her "Girlies", blew through a savings account we had set up for our daughters wedding. So my sense of betrayal and desertion was pretty strong.
> 
> My reaction was to finish blowing up my world. I closed my business, I sold our house, I gave up my friends and all of my day to day life by moving 125 miles away (but closer to my daughter), I moved into an apartment, took a corporate job and sank into depression. It took a while, but eventually I began to fashion a new life for myself. At first I tried to hold on to some of the old. Eventually I realized I had all the opportunities I could have ever wanted right in front me. And now, for the first time ever I had the freedom to pursue them. Not only the opportunity but the experience to truly profit from them. Now, you have the same. Take some time, it won't happen over night. Be patient. Be forgiving of your self. Learn from whatever mistakes you may have made. Become not a better version of who you were, but live up to the potential of what you always knew you could be if only (name your excuse here).
> 
> You will fail. Mistakes will be made. But this is not failure. This is a lesson. Take those lessons and become even stronger because of them. Don't worry about thinking about your past. I still do it all the time. In fact today is my ex's birthday, I wonder what she is up to. I think about what I would have been doing for her. This is natural. But I also know, it doesn't matter. Today, I am doing things I would not have been able to do had I still been married. Tonight, I am going to have a new sexual experience, that I would not have been having had I remained married. Tomorrow, I plan to do nothing - because that is what I want to do, not because I don't have anything to do. That is something I would not have been able to do had I still been married.
> 
> One of the things you will discover is that far from being apart from your children you will have the opportunity to develop a stronger relationship with them. For the first time ever, you will be able to relate to them as YOU, instead of as part of "us" or "we". You will be able to develop interests with them apart from any input or influence "she" may want to impose.
> 
> Be strong.


I really am thankful for your advice and encouragement I hope I can get to the stage you are at swiftly, the initial entire world and life plan crashing down is a huge hit to take and good to know people like yourself have made it out the other side and came back up happier.

I'm sure I will continue to have ups and downs for a while but will take one day at a time and continue improving and rediscovering myself. I keep having to come back here for reassurance to keep on the right track  sad to say but spending the last few years neglecting social life and interests leaves very little support network outside the 'family' which no longer exists so making a new social circle is #1 priority.


----------



## FeministInPink

CMB82 said:


> I really am thankful for your advice and encouragement I hope I can get to the stage you are at swiftly, the initial entire world and life plan crashing down is a huge hit to take and good to know people like yourself have made it out the other side and came back up happier.
> 
> I'm sure I will continue to have ups and downs for a while but will take one day at a time and continue improving and rediscovering myself. I keep having to come back here for reassurance to keep on the right track  sad to say but spending the last few years neglecting social life and interests leaves very little support network outside the 'family' which no longer exists so making a new social circle is #1 priority.


Don't worry about how quickly you get there, just focus on one day at a time. Everyone is different and has their own timeline. And it's not a linear progression. It's more like this:









The social circle part can be difficult. I did a lot of Meetups and such to meet new people, and joined some activities. I found some really good friends there, and then I became friends with their friends... now, I'm overwhelmed at times by the number of people who love and care for me.


----------



## MovingForward

FeministInPink said:


> Don't worry about how quickly you get there, just focus on one day at a time. Everyone is different and has their own timeline. And it's not a linear progression. It's more like this:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The social circle part can be difficult. I did a lot of Meetups and such to meet new people, and joined some activities. I found some really good friends there, and then I became friends with their friends... now, I'm overwhelmed at times by the number of people who love and care for me.


Isn't that the truth LOL. 

That's great news on the vast social circle that's a 'problem' I had 10+ years ago and a 'problem' I hope to have again.

I did find a local group called Events and Adventures but you have to already be divorced to become a member since it is a singles focused group but it is just a group of people looking to meet new friends and do all kinds of social activities which looks like a lot of fun. For time being I should probably look to stop working out at gym alone and start cross fit or some other more social avenue of working out with people.

I will probably keep posting on him from time to time to update as I have read back through other peoples posts and it helps a lot to see how far people have come and how they dealt with there challenges, maybe someone can learn something from this post eventually and either fix something before too long or be able to move on a little easier, we shall see.


----------



## Ynot

CMB82 said:


> I really am thankful for your advice and encouragement I hope I can get to the stage you are at swiftly, the initial entire world and life plan crashing down is a huge hit to take and good to know people like yourself have made it out the other side and came back up happier.
> 
> I'm sure I will continue to have ups and downs for a while but will take one day at a time and continue improving and rediscovering myself. I keep having to come back here for reassurance to keep on the right track  sad to say but spending the last few years neglecting social life and interests leaves very little support network outside the 'family' which no longer exists so making a new social circle is #1 priority.


FIP said it very well. Don't focus on how quickly it will happen, just focus on making it happen! Ups and downs are just a part of it, just remember 2 steps forward, 1 step back! As long as you stay on that course you will keep moving forward.

Also in regards to Meetup, I would suggest NOT joining a singles focused group. While you may think it is a good idea I would avoid them at first. Those kind of groups tend to attract some needy singles looking for a quick solution to their problem(s). There tends to be some pressure to meet someone. Instead just join a few groups with activities you are interested in. There will still be plenty of single people there but the focus will be on the activity and not on meeting some one. If you do meet some one there you will already have a shared connection and the meeting will be more organic than if you are actively looking for a relationship. 

Finally stop making excuses. So what if that group requires you to be single first - find a few that doesn't - NOW!


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## FeministInPink

Ynot said:


> FIP said it very well. Don't focus on how quickly it will happen, just focus on making it happen! Ups and downs are just a part of it, just remember 2 steps forward, 1 step back! As long as you stay on that course you will keep moving forward.
> 
> Also in regards to Meetup, I would suggest NOT joining a singles focused group. While you may think it is a good idea I would avoid them at first. Those kind of groups tend to attract some needy singles looking for a quick solution to their problem(s). There tends to be some pressure to meet someone. Instead just join a few groups with activities you are interested in. There will still be plenty of single people there but the focus will be on the activity and not on meeting some one. If you do meet some one there you will already have a shared connection and the meeting will be more organic than if you are actively looking for a relationship.
> 
> Finally stop making excuses. So what if that group requires you to be single first - find a few that doesn't - NOW!


Agreed. Meetup doesn't technically allow "singles" groups anymore, but they still exist, they've just changed their nomenclature and keywords to get by under the radar.

I focused on social groups that involved activities that I enjoyed, so I could both nurture my interests and my social life at the same time. It's also good, because you'll meet a wider variety of people at different stages of life, not just other singles.


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## MovingForward

So I messed up, I got my confidence back up was feeling pretty good, accepted moving on and getting divorced and was making plans for the future, stopped messaging STBXW and was keeping a distance while avoiding any conflict and remaining civil and then come valentines day I screwed myself, bought her flowers and went back into the bedroom with her, spent a couple days being affectionate together, asked her out on a date for Saturday night which she seemed happy about and arranged sitters for children, we had booked a free consultation for a mediator to discuss the process which we went to yesterday and she was very affectionate the entire time, holding my hand and being her standard touchy feely, she put possibly open to reconciliation on intake form which the mediator exposed accidentally, asked him if we start and decide not to move forward with divorce what happens etc. and has still not served me papers even though the case is showing online so I know she has filed over a week ago, after she filed she told me she has 90 days to withdraw but wanted to submit so we had a time frame to decide what to do and this wasn't anything final yet. 

So driving back from the mediator I tell her I am visiting a new counselor next week and it was one she had heard good things about, he specializes in Counseling men and also emotionally reconnecting couple I told her I have booked a individual session but if she wanted we could change it to a Joint session WRONG MOVE she tells me she doesn't want to be married and she is not in love with me and just wants to be happy and that's not with me. 

I hit rock bottom again and back to the start of this emotional roller coaster. Didn't really talk much after that as i was trying to hold myself together, she asked if i wanted to discuss which i said no but she ended up talking anyway saying she was sorry and she never wanted this or saw this for us and asked if she could hug me which i told her no, she asked for just one more hug again which I refused(way too painful), she asked if we can try to be friends and i told her i can guarantee i will be civil and that is all which really upset her since I cannot see how we can remain friends in this situation. Got a few texts last night asking if i was coming home(had gone gym late) asked if i wanted to watch a show(we binge watch netflix series) with her which I had to reject, asked if she could come to the counselor with me to discuss Co parenting to which I also had to reject and then asked if we could keep it quiet until we have a plan in place so the kids don't somehow hear about it from someone else and then told me were not bad people were just not right for each other anymore and she doesn't want it to turn ugly.

I should have just kept on track. Anyway just putting this hear so people reading can see what NOT to do.


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## 3Xnocharm

I had a feeling this might happen. On the positive side, now you KNOW. Very rotten of her to get your hopes up like that, so selfish. 

You cannot be friends, you need to make that clear to her. There will be no movie watching, no dinners, no sex, no ANYTHING together. Only respond to requests regarding your kids or the divorce, and have her email or text only.


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## Thound

3Xnocharm said:


> I had a feeling this might happen. On the positive side, now you KNOW. Very rotten of her to get your hopes up like that, so selfish.
> 
> You cannot be friends, you need to make that clear to her. There will be no movie watching, no dinners, no sex, no ANYTHING together. Only respond to requests regarding your kids or the divorce, and have her email or text only.


 I don't know. I might would hit it if offered, and act like she was just another in the long line that your about to embark on, but then again I'm an *******.


----------



## FeministInPink

3Xnocharm said:


> I had a feeling this might happen. On the positive side, now you KNOW. Very rotten of her to get your hopes up like that, so selfish.
> 
> You cannot be friends, you need to make that clear to her. There will be no movie watching, no dinners, no sex, no ANYTHING together. Only respond to requests regarding your kids or the divorce, and have her email or text only.


Agreed to all of this. BUMP.


----------



## FeministInPink

Thound said:


> I don't know. I might would hit it if offered, and act like she was just another in the long line that your about to embark on, but then again I'm an *******.


Do NOT do this. It will backfire on you, just like your behavior around Valentine's Day. You think it will make you feel a little better to give her a taste of her own medicine, but it won't work out that way.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Lostinthought61

CMB...i am sorry to hear that, but on positive side this did not get dragged out for weeks, her true self emerged again and now you can move on knowing you tried one last time....that confidence will come back sooner as well as the detachment....she really knows how to burn bridges...


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## TheTruthHurts

Dude she just wants you to be her gay buddy. Most girls want one


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## JohnA

Did you read any of the books suggested in an earlier post? With her or someone else you need that knowledge or you will repeat this cycle. 

As to her friend request be clear with the reason why you cannot. It is not fair to you because she cannot return your love. Friendship involves not asking a person to live in limbo. You love her knowing she does not is destroying you.

Be polite, and always helpful with the children.


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## Marc878

CMB82 said:


> So I messed up, I got my confidence back up was feeling pretty good, accepted moving on and getting divorced and was making plans for the future, stopped messaging STBXW and was keeping a distance while avoiding any conflict and remaining civil and then come valentines day I screwed myself, bought her flowers and went back into the bedroom with her, spent a couple days being affectionate together, asked her out on a date for Saturday night which she seemed happy about and arranged sitters for children, we had booked a free consultation for a mediator to discuss the process which we went to yesterday and she was very affectionate the entire time, holding my hand and being her standard touchy feely, she put possibly open to reconciliation on intake form which the mediator exposed accidentally, asked him if we start and decide not to move forward with divorce what happens etc. and has still not served me papers even though the case is showing online so I know she has filed over a week ago, after she filed she told me she has 90 days to withdraw but wanted to submit so we had a time frame to decide what to do and this wasn't anything final yet.
> 
> So driving back from the mediator I tell her I am visiting a new counselor next week and it was one she had heard good things about, he specializes in Counseling men and also emotionally reconnecting couple I told her I have booked a individual session but if she wanted we could change it to a Joint session WRONG MOVE she tells me she doesn't want to be married and she is not in love with me and just wants to be happy and that's not with me.
> 
> I hit rock bottom again and back to the start of this emotional roller coaster. Didn't really talk much after that as i was trying to hold myself together, she asked if i wanted to discuss which i said no but she ended up talking anyway saying she was sorry and she never wanted this or saw this for us and asked if she could hug me which i told her no, she asked for just one more hug again which I refused(way too painful), she asked if we can try to be friends and i told her i can guarantee i will be civil and that is all which really upset her since I cannot see how we can remain friends in this situation. Got a few texts last night asking if i was coming home(had gone gym late) asked if i wanted to watch a show(we binge watch netflix series) with her which I had to reject, asked if she could come to the counselor with me to discuss Co parenting to which I also had to reject and then asked if we could keep it quiet until we have a plan in place so the kids don't somehow hear about it from someone else and then told me were not bad people were just not right for each other anymore and she doesn't want it to turn ugly.
> 
> I should have just kept on track. Anyway just putting this hear so people reading can see what NOT to do.


If you chase they move farther away. If you really wanted to fix this you go online and check your phone bill to see what you're dealing with. *You buried your head in the sand before and look what it got you.*

Looks like she wants to be "friends". This is all for her to aleviate any guilt, etc. she can say look he's ok with this cause "we're friends!!!!"

This gets you nothing if it is divorce except keeping you in limbo longer and will hold you back. If you have to move on and have a meaningful relationship she cannot be a part of your life. That will just destroy any future relationships. No other woman is going to want an ex in the mix.

My advice. If it's divorce complete no contact period. 

Read up
http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0LE..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=Vc8CpZC1SeUiSTJxiM3xG67tzeg-


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## MovingForward

Just random update to put thoughts down.

Still in same house, no conflict, not been served yet, mentally doing better and working on the detaching which is making me feel so much better about life. Still have some up and down moments but think i am doing OK.


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## FeministInPink

CMB82 said:


> Just random update to put thoughts down.
> 
> Still in same house, no conflict, not been served yet, mentally doing better and working on the detaching which is making me feel so much better about life. Still have some up and down moments but think i am doing OK.


Stick with the 180. It will help YOU, and it should keep conflict at a minimum as well.

Keep updating here, and we will keep encouraging you! Moving forward is never a simple linear pattern, expect and prepare for setbacks, and most importantly, when you have a weak moment or a setback, forgive yourself and see what you can learn from the situation.


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## MovingForward

FeministInPink said:


> Stick with the 180. It will help YOU, and it should keep conflict at a minimum as well.
> 
> Keep updating here, and we will keep encouraging you! Moving forward is never a simple linear pattern, expect and prepare for setbacks, and most importantly, when you have a weak moment or a setback, forgive yourself and see what you can learn from the situation.


Thanks @FeministInPink I keep posting from time to time as it feels like therapy LOL and helps with the day to day.

Got first appointment with new IC on Tuesday and already booked the session for the week after. 

Finally starting to get appetite back, sleeping a little better and got to the gym which has definitely helped me feel more like myself again.


----------



## DonaldDuck666

CMB82 said:


> Yes I asked what she wants and she told me to 'just to be happy', she told me she see's me as a best friend but there is no romantic feelings and she wishes there was but she cant make herself feel something. I asked if someone else on a few occasions and she has told me no every time but I am not 100% certain on that part and cant prove otherwise.
> 
> I was speaking with counselor last night and something I had not thought about since I was so devastated when it came out was all this happened when I first asked her if she was seeing someone else, then she told me all the stuff about how she was unhappy but there is no one else but she doesn't want to be with me anymore as we don't make each other happy etc. etc. The counselor told me its doesn't necessarily mean anything and it could have just felt like that was a good time to break the news she had been holding in.


I wouldn't bother trying to find a "reason" for her feelings. People's feelings DO change over time. I'm struggling with what your wife was struggling with. I have never been unfaithful (I'm so naive with women, I cant say if I've had any chances), but my feelings aren't there. It's torture to have to tell someone what your wife was brave enough to do. 

IF she had an affair, would that make any difference in the end? The end result is the same. You're getting a lot of great advice from other people on here. You will come away from this a stronger person.


----------



## MovingForward

DonaldDuck666 said:


> I wouldn't bother trying to find a "reason" for her feelings. People's feelings DO change over time. I'm struggling with what your wife was struggling with. I have never been unfaithful (I'm so naive with women, I cant say if I've had any chances), but my feelings aren't there. It's torture to have to tell someone what your wife was brave enough to do.
> 
> IF she had an affair, would that make any difference in the end? The end result is the same. You're getting a lot of great advice from other people on here. You will come away from this a stronger person.


I agree at this wouldn't make much difference. 

I did read your posts and it seems we are in slightly different situations though you didn't/don't find your wife attractive, my wife/stbxw told me she still finds me very attractive but can't trust me with her heart anymore. 

Not arguing just pointing out some differences I noticed. Thanks for posting and the encouragement.


----------



## MovingForward

Well had an awful night couldn't stop thinking about how much I wish this wasn't happening, how much I miss our conversations and texts throughout the day, how much I miss coming home and hugging my wife, how much I miss her cuddling up to me at night when we shared a bed. Just feeling really down, should pass but its really hard to have no idea what the future holds in regards to my family and if I will be remaining with them.


----------



## JohnA

Hi CMB, 

I had asked earlier, and I might have missed the answer, but what type of sales are you in? Do you deal with repeat customers on a regular basis or meet, greet, sell, forget?


----------



## MovingForward

JohnA said:


> Hi CMB,
> 
> I had asked earlier, and I might have missed the answer, but what type of sales are you in? Do you deal with repeat customers on a regular basis or meet, greet, sell, forget?


Some of all I have a book of regular accounts which I have build but that is constantly evolving depending on the size of the project time frame and I also look for new business via phone/email and customer visits and trade shows.

Some customers are one and done and others come back regular.


----------



## MovingForward

How often do you all change your feelings on your divorce situation?

Got home from work happy, went bed depressed, woke up depressed and feeling desperate, had a period this morning when I was happy and feeling content and currently angry and frustrated and want to sign papers and be done and forget this entire situation and it is only mid day. 

I literally right now in this current mindset could sign papers without any emotion at all but I know that could change and leave me with huge regret at a later date or even later today .

Is this normal and what everyone goes through?


----------



## MEM2020

CM,
Totally normal to want to show interest. Want to DO something. As you have found, any move that YOU make towards recon - is rejected. Since that is a certain fail, best to avoid doing it. 

I will say that C2 is behaving very selfishly. She seems to want the reassurance that you still want and love her, despite not reciprocating. 

The constructive way to message this is: 
As far as the kids go, I will do my best to support you.

As far as our own lives go, we are going to have to figure those out individually - scary as that might be. 

Regarding the outside world, I have no desire to say or do anything that reflects badly on you. 






CMB82 said:


> How often do you all change your feelings on your divorce situation?
> 
> Got home from work happy, went bed depressed, woke up depressed and feeling desperate, had a period this morning when I was happy and feeling content and currently angry and frustrated and want to sign papers and be done and forget this entire situation and it is only mid day.
> 
> I literally right now in this current mindset could sign papers without any emotion at all but I know that could change and leave me with huge regret at a later date or even later today .
> 
> Is this normal and what everyone goes through?


----------



## MovingForward

Thanks @MEM2020 this entire situation sucks so bad and emotions are all over the place since I cant even think of just myself since Children are involved and financially we are locked together pretty tightly.

Regarding being served papers do you think it is odd that she hasn't pushed me on receiving the papers since she plans to self serve? I wonder if she thinks I am going to fall apart and make the divorce messy so waiting until after my New IC sessions or if she is building more time to sort stuff her end while enjoying all the old perks of being married since it makes things easier for her or if she is not sure and still thinking about working on marriage at some point but not quite ready?????????


----------



## MEM2020

CM,

I have no idea what she's thinking. And I realize uncertainty is difficult. That said, this is the perfect opportunity to focus on acceptance. Acceptance that you have no control over what she does. Only over what you do. 

So focus on:
- work (and improving your financial situation)
- kids
- fun activities 






CMB82 said:


> Thanks @MEM2020 this entire situation sucks so bad and emotions are all over the place since I cant even think of just myself since Children are involved and financially we are locked together pretty tightly.
> 
> Regarding being served papers do you think it is odd that she hasn't pushed me on receiving the papers since she plans to self serve? I wonder if she thinks I am going to fall apart and make the divorce messy so waiting until after my New IC sessions or if she is building more time to sort stuff her end while enjoying all the old perks of being married since it makes things easier for her or if she is not sure and still thinking about working on marriage at some point but not quite ready?????????


----------



## MovingForward

MEM2020 said:


> CM,
> 
> I have no idea what she's thinking. And I realize uncertainty is difficult. That said, this is the perfect opportunity to focus on acceptance. Acceptance that you have no control over what she does. Only over what you do.
> 
> So focus on:
> - work (and improving your financial situation)
> - kids
> - fun activities


I know I guess I just keep needing to hear the same stuff over and over until it sinks in finally :frown2:.

I did find an apartment complex not too far away with a bunch of nice amenities and have build a list of items I need to purchase which is somewhat reassuring at times knowing what I need and where I can go if needed.


----------



## MEM2020

CM,

There's sort of a range of responses to these type situations. Let's break this into:
- The driver
- The passenger

She's driving this. My approach would be:
- If you are unhappy with me, you should end it
- I'm gonna miss you, but I hope everything turns out the way you want




CMB82 said:


> I know I guess I just keep needing to hear the same stuff over and over until it sinks in finally :frown2:.
> 
> I did find an apartment complex not too far away with a bunch of nice amenities and have build a list of items I need to purchase which is somewhat reassuring at times knowing what I need and where I can go if needed.


----------



## JohnA

Ok, so how do you maintain the long term relationships vs the get them in the door and sell them and move on. I had a golden record at keeping and growing accounts. It wasn't because I am a fast talker I am not. It wasn't my company could do things others did not. Instead I focused on the what got the client though the day without heart burn and people piling on. I always strived to make my contact promotable. I wanted to be the file and forget guy. Give me the work it showed up done on schedule. When a problem occured I aiways had three solutions for it to discuss with them. I educated them about what went into the project on my end. Most of all I knew the expression the customer is aiways right is wrong. My job was to make the customer aiways right. 

Think of these traits in terms of relationships overall. See how many apply to your marriage. See what you did well in these terms, and what you dud not. Accept this fact do not repeat the same mistakes either with a new marriage or reconcilation. Grow. don't hesitate to do little thoughful things. Your going out of the office, someone is complaing about a head ache or sore muscle, you stop on the way back at a drug store and pick up a small package of aspirin, or Ben gay and leave it on their desk without a word. This shows awarness and concern. Not a huge act but it hits home. 

Finally read Not Just Friends it discusses healthy boundaries. Also read 7 habits of successful people. Both will impact both you personal and professional life. When you get PM and want them I will share the company I worked for, the clients I develop and how I did it. This cared over into my personal life in one form or another. 

One note, if your job was one and done many of the skills needed are very different and when used I personal relationships always fail. But hey you can pick up woman quickly with them.


----------



## MovingForward

JohnA said:


> Ok, so how do you maintain the long term relationships vs the get them in the door and sell them and move on. I had a golden record at keeping and growing accounts. It wasn't because I am a fast talker I am not. It wasn't my company could do things others did not. Instead I focused on the what got the client though the day without heart burn and people piling on. I always strived to make my contact promotable. I wanted to be the file and forget guy. Give me the work it showed up done on schedule. When a problem occured I aiways had three solutions for it to discuss with them. I educated them about what went into the project on my end. Most of all I knew the expression the customer is aiways right is wrong. My job was to make the customer aiways right.
> 
> Think of these traits in terms of relationships overall. See how many apply to your marriage. See what you did well in these terms, and what you dud not. Accept this fact do not repeat the same mistakes either with a new marriage or reconcilation. Grow. don't hesitate to do little thoughful things. Your going out of the office, someone is complaing about a head ache or sore muscle, you stop on the way back at a drug store and pick up a small package of aspirin, or Ben gay and leave it on their desk without a word. This shows awarness and concern. Not a huge act but it hits home.
> 
> Finally read Not Just Friends it discusses healthy boundaries. Also read 7 habits of successful people. Both will impact both you personal and professional life. When you get PM and want them I will share the company I worked for, the clients I develop and how I did it. This cared over into my personal life in one form or another.
> 
> One note, if your job was one and done many of the skills needed are very different and when used I personal relationships always fail. But hey you can pick up woman quickly with them.


Thanks John I will check out those books.


----------



## MovingForward

OK so update from the weekend, everything was civil and cordial, we took the kids out for dinner and seemed like everything was normal.

She had planned to go hang with her friend in the evening so I was chilling at home, she left and was back within 10 minutes and broke down and told me she didn't want me to be nice to her and she needs me to sign the papers ASAP and that was the end of that conversation. 

We are meeting at the court today so I can officially accept service and start getting divorced. 

Really not sure how I can stay in same house but don't want to cause trouble for myself and move out either, lots of confusion currently which I am sure will continue over the next few months.

I really appreciate everyone who takes time to offer support, advice and encouragement. I have requested a name change on here so not sure how it affects the thread but hopefully it will stay intact so I can continue to post, possibly start a new thread I am not sure yet.


----------



## MovingForward

I just got back from being served Divorce papers and signing at the court, it was a surreal and oddly calm environment, wanted to break down a few times but kept it together just kept thinking about all her bad qualities and the positives that can come from this, more freedom in being able to make decisions and buy/do what I want without having to run it by her and more free time to become someone outside of being someones Husband and Dad.


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## Lostinthought61

You should start a new thread and you can always post the link of this thread to your signature at the bottom if people want to know the whole story, but since you are not entering a new phase in your life, perhaps its a good time...


----------



## Lostinthought61

CMB82 said:


> OK so update from the weekend, everything was civil and cordial, we took the kids out for dinner and seemed like everything was normal.
> 
> She had planned to go hang with her friend in the evening so I was chilling at home, she left and was back within 10 minutes and broke down and told me she didn't want me to be nice to her and she needs me to sign the papers ASAP and that was the end of that conversation.
> 
> We are meeting at the court today so I can officially accept service and start getting divorced.
> 
> Really not sure how I can stay in same house but don't want to cause trouble for myself and move out either, lots of confusion currently which I am sure will continue over the next few months.
> 
> I really appreciate everyone who takes time to offer support, advice and encouragement. I have requested a name change on here so not sure how it affects the thread but hopefully it will stay intact so I can continue to post, possibly start a new thread I am not sure yet.


Curious why did she come back 10 minutes later and ask not to be nice...was she going to do something and she was feeling guilty?


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## MovingForward

Xenote said:


> Curious why did she come back 10 minutes later and ask not to be nice...was she going to do something and she was feeling guilty?


I wish I knew, I assume she has some guilt on her mind and wants out before it comes out so she can keep everything Civil during proceedings.

I am trying not to care as much as possible.


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## MovingFrwrd

-post deleted- wrong thread.


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## JohnA

Figured it out. Sorry for the confusion


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## JohnA

What are the custody terms? Please what are the custody terms? 

CMB, one day at a time, one decision at a time. Custody what is it???


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## MovingForward

JohnA said:


> What are the custody terms? Please what are the custody terms?
> 
> CMB, one day at a time, one decision at a time. Custody what is it???


 @JohnA this has not been decided yet, we will be attending mediation next week to go over and I will update then, the plan is some form of 50/50.

I started a new thread here - http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...tion/369834-entering-divorce-proceedings.html


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