# He dropped a bomb on me...



## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Just joined the forum, hope to find some support that has been most difficult to find. Family, friends are trying their best but it seems they are every bit as confused, disappointed, hurt and angry as I am. No one seems to be able to make any sense of what is happening between H and I.

A little back story first. We've been married for almost 24 years, met 25 years ago. We have 2 kids. Our son is 23 and getting married in October. Our daughter will be 18 in less than 2 months. Until recently we had our own trucking business. He's been driving for about 20 years, mostly local and regional until we went on our own about 11 years ago. I left my job in logistics to run the office from home. Financial downturn started a few years ago and has just gotten progressively worse. In 2009, my health was in jeopardy, diagnosed with a brain tumor (benign) and had surgery to remove it in October of that year. I suffered with double vision for nearly a year. Being right handed, the surgery affected my right side and nearly destroyed my handwriting. Walking, driving, even doing the simplest tasks are so difficult. I've adapted to using my left hand for most everything. The doctors told me 4 things could happen. If the tumor was left untreated, it would kill me eventually. The surgery could either kill me, result in a coma or be successful. Thank God it was the latter result. Currently I am waiting for a hearing date on disability. It's been almost 2 years on that.

Now to the disaster that is unfolding. About a month ago, H informed me, by phone, that he no longer wanted to be married.
He has chosen to live in his truck, staying on the road to earn $$$. After being at home to take care of me as I recovered and seeing the business fall apart, he had to lease on and get to work on the road again. In doing so, me and our daughter are losing our home ( a rental on the Gulf of Mexico), our vehicle, and I have no income to support us. H says once the $$$ starts coming in again he will pay for a place for us to live, get another vehicle, etc. In the mean time, we lose everything.

He refuses to go the MC route. But continues to tell me and both kids that I am his best friend and that he still loves me but (all together now) is not in love with me. :scratchhead:

We have been through just about every conceivable hardship there is, why is the 25 years we have together not worth his effort to save? No one, not his family, understands this.

I'm just looking for ways to get through this and keep some semblance of my sanity, grace and even humor. Any suggestions?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

cherokee96red said:


> Just joined the forum, hope to find some support that has been most difficult to find. Family, friends are trying their best but it seems they are every bit as confused, disappointed, hurt and angry as I am. No one seems to be able to make any sense of what is happening between H and I.
> 
> A little back story first. We've been married for almost 24 years, met 25 years ago. We have 2 kids. Our son is 23 and getting married in October. Our daughter will be 18 in less than 2 months. Until recently we had our own trucking business. He's been driving for about 20 years, mostly local and regional until we went on our own about 11 years ago. I left my job in logistics to run the office from home. Financial downturn started a few years ago and has just gotten progressively worse. In 2009, my health was in jeopardy, diagnosed with a brain tumor (benign) and had surgery to remove it in October of that year. I suffered with double vision for nearly a year. Being right handed, the surgery affected my right side and nearly destroyed my handwriting. Walking, driving, even doing the simplest tasks are so difficult. I've adapted to using my left hand for most everything. The doctors told me 4 things could happen. If the tumor was left untreated, it would kill me eventually. The surgery could either kill me, result in a coma or be successful. Thank God it was the latter result. Currently I am waiting for a hearing date on disability. It's been almost 2 years on that.
> 
> ...


What's his ultimate goal? In your heart what do you think it is?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

There's someone else.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> What's his ultimate goal? In your heart what do you think it is?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I truly do not know what his ultimate goal is, seems no one does.
Speculations run rampant though. The disability lawyer first made the statement that things would go faster and easier if we were divorced. H said that he didn't want to drag me down with him, whatever that means. I just don't know.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Atholk said:


> There's someone else.



What an original and sensitive thing to say.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

cherokee96red said:


> I truly do not know what his ultimate goal is, seems no one does.
> Speculations run rampant though. The disability lawyer first made the statement that things would go faster and easier if we were divorced. H said that he didn't want to drag me down with him, whatever that means. I just don't know.


My original thought if there was some advantage to your disability claim if single. So he just works and lives in truck? Your kids are pretty much adults - what are their thoughts?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> My original thought if there was some advantage to your disability claim if single. So he just works and lives in truck? Your kids are pretty much adults - what are their thoughts?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


They both seem to be angry, at him. He calls them both about once a week. My son tends to keep a lot of his feelings about this from me. He and his fiance came over in the middle of the night when H initially told me that he wanted out. My son had gotten a hysterical call from his sister. I had completely lost it, uncontrollable sobbing and such on my part. He told his grandma (my mom) that he'd always been so proud of the fact that he was the only one of his friends that the parents were still married and still in love, he thought.

My daughter is mad at him too. Besides what he's doing as far as me, but what it's doing to her. All the way down to her having to give up her dog. There is so much that she is having to deal with here. 

And they both seem to feel that he is being a coward. He won't talk to me unless it concerns a bill being paid, or get something done that he needs for his work. H has told both of them repeatedly that I'm still his best friend and that he is not abandoning me or them. But they have witnessed firsthand how this is affecting me and I don't think any child, no matter the age, should see or have to deal with this. Maybe I'm wrong on that, don't know.

I handled the whole tumor thing so much better. Never had any thought other than I would come through it somehow. 

Guess it boils down to my daughter is the stronger (emotionally) of the 2. She tries to look at some of this as opportunity, While my son tries his hardest not to let me see how upset he is. I have raised 2 wonderful kids. And I'm doing all I can to not bash, belittle, or say hurtful things to them about their dad. He will always be their dad and I will not be the one to interfere with that.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

cherokee96red said:


> They both seem to be angry, at him. He calls them both about once a week. My son tends to keep a lot of his feelings about this from me. He and his fiance came over in the middle of the night when H initially told me that he wanted out. My son had gotten a hysterical call from his sister. I had completely lost it, uncontrollable sobbing and such on my part. He told his grandma (my mom) that he'd always been so proud of the fact that he was the only one of his friends that the parents were still married and still in love, he thought.
> 
> My daughter is mad at him too. Besides what he's doing as far as me, but what it's doing to her. All the way down to her having to give up her dog. There is so much that she is having to deal with here.
> 
> ...


So while he's saying he's not abandoning you, he is. At first I thought maybe being honorable and trying to get help quicker for you but it sounds like he's just gone. He does owe you and your children a sit down. It's not fair he take off - no explanation. He can say he's not abandoning you but 'pretty words' don't change the facts. Could he be stressed over what happened to you? Some men don't handle crisis well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> So while he's saying he's not abandoning you, he is. At first I thought maybe being honorable and trying to get help quicker for you but it sounds like he's just gone. He does owe you and your children a sit down. It's not fair he take off - no explanation. He can say he's not abandoning you but 'pretty words' don't change the facts. Could he be stressed over what happened to you? Some men don't handle crisis well.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, he does owe us all an explanation, the truth would be best. I agree with you about the "pretty words" too. He has used those words to everyone, including his mom, siblings, and probably even friends. He is stressed about many things, including what happened to me. he has said there are things that I used to do, like my writing, that I haven't done in a while that he misses. I am not quite the same person I was. The tumor, surgery, menopause, age have had effects. But all I ask is give me a chance to work through those things. As much as I have been there for him, be there for me now.

I worry about how this will affect both kids, while both are pretty much grown, I don't want this situation to ruin their perspectives on marriage and such. It is so hard to work on this when he doesn't even talk to me or have the cojones to face us. All I see is a coward!


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

cherokee96red said:


> Yes, he does owe us all an explanation, the truth would be best. I agree with you about the "pretty words" too. He has used those words to everyone, including his mom, siblings, and probably even friends. He is stressed about many things, including what happened to me. he has said there are things that I used to do, like my writing, that I haven't done in a while that he misses. I am not quite the same person I was. The tumor, surgery, menopause, age have had effects. But all I ask is give me a chance to work through those things. As much as I have been there for him, be there for me now.
> 
> I worry about how this will affect both kids, while both are pretty much grown, I don't want this situation to ruin their perspectives on marriage and such. It is so hard to work on this when he doesn't even talk to me or have the cojones to face us. All I see is a coward!


You and kids need to lean on each other right now - he not only left you, he left them. There's lots of tools on here re: the 180. It helps you work on your inner strength and happiness while making yourself a more attractive partner. A lot of people decide they don't want their partner after they strengthen themselves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

cherokee96red said:


> What an original and sensitive thing to say.


I don't mean to sound rude, but it's extremely rare that a man permanently leaves a long term sexual partner, for no sexual partner at all.

It sounds like he's telling you a bunch of BS that he's your friend etc to probably make you start hoping that maybe you'll get back together again. Meanwhile it's just to throw you off balance as the divorce paperwork comes closer and closer.

Unless you've managed to actively rule out another woman being involved, you should suspect it.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> You and kids need to lean on each other right now - he not only left you, he left them. There's lots of tools on here re: the 180. It helps you work on your inner strength and happiness while making yourself a more attractive partner. A lot of people decide they don't want their partner after they strengthen themselves.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If it weren't for the kids, I'm not sure I could deal with this at all. They are doing whatever they can to help me. And yes, he has abandoned them too, regardless of what he says to them.

I read the 180 and found that I have already been instituting most of them, at first not by my choice. Yesterday while at my son's for an Easter get together with them and his fiancee's family H called my cell. I didn't answer, just put it on ignore. No way was I going to let him ruin my day there. Later I did send him a text saying "U called?" Nothing today, don't think he's even contacted the kids. All I can say is WHATEVER! He'll ruin those relationships all by himself.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Atholk said:


> I don't mean to sound rude, but it's extremely rare that a man permanently leaves a long term sexual partner, for no sexual partner at all.
> 
> It sounds like he's telling you a bunch of BS that he's your friend etc to probably make you start hoping that maybe you'll get back together again. Meanwhile it's just to throw you off balance as the divorce paperwork comes closer and closer.
> 
> Unless you've managed to actively rule out another woman being involved, you should suspect it.


In all the years we've been together, I know that I have never been unfaithful to him. There is nothing in the past to suggest that he has been. But to not accept that possibility, is to be naive. H has been the only man, ever. Yes, he is the only man I've been with, call me a dinosaur, whatever.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

It's hard to imagine someone just disappearing and literally leaving his family destitute with no warning what so ever. There is definitely something more going on--could be another woman, a gambling problem, goodness knows what. 

But none of that matters; what matters is, how you and your kids will manage. While you wait for a disability hearing, do you have family, friends, and other resources to draw on? Can you contact the hospital social worker from your time in surgery for some ideas/suggestions? Can you negotiate with your landlord to give you time to pull together some $$ and maybe prevent the need to move, or at least give you time to find a place you can take the dog? That seems like such a minor thing, but it could make things easier on your daughter. 

These are just ideas off the top of my head. I'm so sorry you have this situation--but try to pull yourself together enough so your daughter doesn't feel responsible for you-she's probably close to being ready for that, but not there yet. Handle this together and you'll both feel better despite how bad it is.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

sisters359 said:


> It's hard to imagine someone just disappearing and literally leaving his family destitute with no warning what so ever. There is definitely something more going on--could be another woman, a gambling problem, goodness knows what.
> 
> But none of that matters; what matters is, how you and your kids will manage. While you wait for a disability hearing, do you have family, friends, and other resources to draw on? Can you contact the hospital social worker from your time in surgery for some ideas/suggestions? Can you negotiate with your landlord to give you time to pull together some $$ and maybe prevent the need to move, or at least give you time to find a place you can take the dog? That seems like such a minor thing, but it could make things easier on your daughter.
> We actually have 2 dogs, one is 10 the other just a year. We may have them temp homes, til we get our own place again.
> ...


Family and friends have been helping with what they can. No one is really financially able to do anymore than what they can afford. I've met with the landlord myself. H had said that he had talked to LL and not to worry about it. But when I met with LL he told me that H had given the 30 day notice. LL has been so good to us for the 2 years we were here. He called to check on me and was so mad at H not returning his calls that he left an angry message for him.
As for the disability, I have been granted a hearing but it hasn't been scheduled yet. I gave the lawyer a "Dire Need" letter to submit to the court to try and speed things up. I have gotten approved for food stamps and am waiting to hear about housing, cash assistance, etc.
Doing what I have to in this state to get the help I need.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

My guess is he is probably involved with someone and just now made the decision to pursue it full time. it could be somethingn else but 9 out of 10 times it's an affair. Him telling you via a phone call is cold though. 



Atholk said:


> I don't mean to sound rude, but it's extremely rare that a man permanently leaves a long term sexual partner, for no sexual partner at all.


Sadly, this is almost alawys true.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> My guess is he is probably involved with someone and just now made the decision to pursue it full time. it could be somethingn else but 9 out of 10 times it's an affair. Him telling you via a phone call is cold though.
> 
> 
> 
> Sadly, this is almost alawys true.


Up until Jan of this year, he had been by my side 24/7. Even in February, I was in the truck with him. We were even talking about what we were going to do in together in the very near future. I think that the financial stresses like a failed business, no income, bills piling on, all of that led to this meltdown of his. Honestly don't know where or how he'd have had the time, resources or energy for someone else. Maybe getting some strange, but anything long term is doubtful. 

As for the Dear Jane phone call, not just cold but COWARDLY!


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Well, made it through Easter, somehow. Just spent the day with my daughter, son and his fiancee. No calls from H. This am he tried calling me again, I didn't answer. I was out taking care of some business. When I got back, my daughter told me that H had tried to call her and she ignored him, 2x. He tried calling me again later in the day, IGNORE yet again. My daughter told me that she was pissed off at him because he didn't even bother to call and wish her Happy Easter, didn't answer her call or respond to her text. Just found out from my son that he did talk to his dad this am and said that the reason no one could reach him was a problem with his phone battery... yeah, right!

I have made the decision that I will no longer enable him in what he's doing. I'm done with communicating with him in any way. If the kids choose to talk to him, so be it, after all he is their father. I will not interfere. But as for me, I am shifting into hard case mode.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

cherokee96red said:


> Well, made it through Easter, somehow. Just spent the day with my daughter, son and his fiancee. No calls from H. This am he tried calling me again, I didn't answer. I was out taking care of some business. When I got back, my daughter told me that H had tried to call her and she ignored him, 2x. He tried calling me again later in the day, IGNORE yet again. My daughter told me that she was pissed off at him because he didn't even bother to call and wish her Happy Easter, didn't answer her call or respond to her text. Just found out from my son that he did talk to his dad this am and said that the reason no one could reach him was a problem with his phone battery... yeah, right!
> 
> I have made the decision that I will no longer enable him in what he's doing. I'm done with communicating with him in any way. If the kids choose to talk to him, so be it, after all he is their father. I will not interfere. But as for me, I am shifting into hard case mode.


You sound stronger - good for you! Please stick around for when you need a pick me up and keep us updated. We do care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> You sound stronger - good for you! Please stick around for when you need a pick me up and keep us updated. We do care.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_[/ since this QUOTE]
> 
> TY! I do feel a bit stronger. I have decided to take ownership of this and do what I need to do for me and my kids. The in laws are growing quiet, sporadic contact, some of them not all since this happened. I have adopted a new nickname "Steel Magnolia", referring to being southern, strong and beautiful. After all, if I don't think I'm these things who else will?


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Go see a lawyer and file for bankruptcy protection so you won't lose your home, car, etc.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

karole said:


> Go see a lawyer and file for bankruptcy protection so you won't lose your home, car, etc.



Can't file bankruptcy, rent the house. Don't care about the car as I can't drive anyway (medical reasons), couldn't afford to put gas in it either as it is a Chevy Silverado pickup truck.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Welcome to May!

A quick update. Yes, there is someone else, got confirmation from H on that. Been "connecting the dots" as it were and it's developing into a really ugly picture. My son called his dad, chewing him out but good and advised him that dad had best not bring anybody to the wedding with him. A few choice words were used, and even some threats as to what son would do if dad brought a "guest" to the wedding. Their phone call happened before I ever told my son what was happening. Daughter is extremely mad/angry at her dad as well. We only have a couple of more days to finish packing, cleaning and get out. She seems to be looking forward to leaving the house, bad memories I guess. 

I'm debating composing/sending an email to MIL. Talked to her a few days ago, entire family expressed concern but haven't heard a peep from them since. Detected a certain amount of rationalization for his decision to violate marriage vows and trust. Seems MIL had done similar thing in the past. "I don't think he set out to find someone else, it just happened." Pardon me, but BULLSHEYAT! 

He also told me that he wanted to tell me abut the OW face to face. And just when would that be? H hasn't been home since the end of Feb! Been using the truck driving thing as the excuse for that. 

I'm feeling stronger and more determined by the day. I will survive and rise above this crap.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

cherokee96red said:


> Welcome to May!
> 
> A quick update. Yes, there is someone else, got confirmation from H on that. Been "connecting the dots" as it were and it's developing into a really ugly picture. My son called his dad, chewing him out but good and advised him that dad had best not bring anybody to the wedding with him. A few choice words were used, and even some threats as to what son would do if dad brought a "guest" to the wedding. Their phone call happened before I ever told my son what was happening. Daughter is extremely mad/angry at her dad as well. We only have a couple of more days to finish packing, cleaning and get out. She seems to be looking forward to leaving the house, bad memories I guess.
> 
> ...


I'm very sorry to hear that. At least you now and can make plans. And you have your kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

I am in a similar position. Don't look for the truth or closure from them (azzholes) they can't give it to you. Some tell me they don't even understand it themselves, so they can give you the truth. I suspect another woman in my mix as well, but that is not my focus. I want to understand me and move forward. I need to know why and how and if in my situation since it happened last month, but nothing... I hope you are feeling better in your personal space and you get some answers to how you will make it from now on.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

hesnothappy said:


> I am in a similar position. Don't look for the truth or closure from them (azzholes) they can't give it to you. Some tell me they don't even understand it themselves, so they can give you the truth. I suspect another woman in my mix as well, but that is not my focus. I want to understand me and move forward. I need to know why and how and if in my situation since it happened last month, but nothing... I hope you are feeling better in your personal space and you get some answers to how you will make it from now on.



No, I know not to look for closure or much else from his family, despite their reassurances that I'll always be family, that they love and care about me and the kids, etc. I don't even want to know any details about the OW. I do think it'll be very short lived. I am debating about the email to MIL simply as a way to express my feelings about this. After I don't care to have any further contact with them, really. I have promised my son and his fiancee that they can count on only the best behavior from me.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

I feel so alone today. This has not been one of the better days/ I find myself breaking into tears even while folding laundry. I see this as the biggest fail of my life! I've been left homeless, no source of income for the foreseeable future, and I guess hopeless too. Just don't know what to do, where to turn, nothing. Seems that nothing can be done without money and until this disability thing is settled I can't do anything. I can't even look at pics of H without feeling a stab to the heart. Doing the 180 and it just seems to make things easier for him, not me. HELP!


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

The 180 is for you. I don't believe in it to get someone back. It is to make you stronger for the journey away from the cheating bastard.

What's worse in your case is he's left you with nothing. He's a coward. He is unworthy of a good woman's love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

cherokee there must be better days ahead! I am so sorry you're going through this. What a dirtbag.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

staircase said:


> cherokee there must be better days ahead! I am so sorry you're going through this. What a dirtbag.


Can your kids help with part-time job? Friends - family to live til you get on your feet? Sorry today is a sad day. Divorce? Alimony? Child support?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

I am sorry to hear you are going thru this. Hang in there.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> Can your kids help with part-time job? Friends - family to live til you get on your feet? Sorry today is a sad day. Divorce? Alimony? Child support?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Son is 23 and getting married in Oct. He does what he can but things are tough money wise for him and his fiancee. Daughter turns 18 in a month. Child support is a non issue, how convenient for him. My mom and brother are helping when they can. I have help from my family and friends, seems everybody(but not his family) has stepped up to take care of things that HE should be taking care of himself. We're all tired of being his "cleanup crew" and this is his biggest mess ever!


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Well, May 22 and the world is as it was on May 21. Hmmm!
Aside from that, things haven't changed much in my world. Still feels as though my "world" has ended, at least as I knew it. I continue enacting the 180 and doing a pretty good job at it. I did send H a text a few days ago but it only concerned our pick up truck. He has yet to provide the financial assistance that he so heroically promised. I have been stretching the little bit of cash that was made nearly a month ago when we (me and the kids) had a forced yard sale. But it's about to run out. Haven't seen H since Feb. He does contact the kids periodically, but as my son now says only when H needs something done for him. Guess he's too chicken s*** to call me directly. My family has been as helpful as they can be. His, not at all. 

Come the first of June we (daughter and I) must find other arrangements for her dog that's being kept by friends but only temporarily. Our other dog is with me, she's 10 yrs old and pretty mellow. The other is just over a year and too rowdy to be here with 2 dogs and 2 cats. So unfair to daughter to have to give him up when she's already given up so much.

I feel like H is enjoying the footloose and fancy free life now. He is not having to witness first hand the carnage and devastation he is leaving in his wake. Out of sight, out of mind!

I continue to try to get myself on track, still cannot eat much if at all. I don't recommend this diet although between the surgery and now this it has been most effective.

I just find it amazing that someone seems to be able to shrug ALL of this off like the last 25 years didn't even happen! Where are his consequences? Guilt? Regrets? Just don't get it.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Wow, the silence is most deafening.:scratchhead:


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Now mid July and all I can say is "let me off of this roller coaster and NOW!". Don't get me wrong here, I love roller coasters just not this emotional kind. I've ridden them all from Disney to Busch Gardens to Universal, after all, I live in central Florida. But this one is not for the faint of heart.

Had good days, tearless. Had bad days, non stop pain and tears. Today, so far has been good. Keep having roadblocks thrown in my path but working to get over or around them.

H has been in contact, both calls and texts. He's made it abundantly clear that he does not ever want us to be H & W again. Friends, yes, always according to him, even close friends. We do have 25 years of history together. He'll be down in Oct. for the wedding, taking a week off. Has said he wants us to "hang out", spend time together, even go to some of our old haunts on the river. I just don't know, feeling ambivalent. I understand he sees no chance of R, that's what he says right now. Knowing that he is prone to changing his mind with the next gust of wind.

I'm keeping busy with trying to regain my independence, in lots of ways. Job hunting, studying yoga/meditation, reading, wedding planning, writing, whatever will distract my mind from unpleasant thoughts.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

So sorry Cherokee! I can tell you that if that were the case with me and I was not over my SO yet, I would probably opt out of the going out part. If I was well on my way into recovery, I would probably consider it just for the sake of knowing how my SO was doing. I think it might set you back though if it will bring back memories of better times and a life lost. I guess my short answer is, don't take him up on the offer if you are still holding on to your past. I know that sounds like it is opposite of what you want but really, it'll just set you back. Now, if you are feeling better and somehow can find a way to open your heart again, and even better if you were seeing somebody else, then maybe a short get together for old times sake would be OK.

And as for him changing his mnd with every gust of wind - maybe it's time that he learned that there are serious consequesces to his actions and decisions and that his waffling ways are hurting other people and you won't tolerate it.

I dunno, just my thought on it.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> So sorry Cherokee! I can tell you that if that were the case with me and I was not over my SO yet, I would probably opt out of the going out part. If I was well on my way into recovery, I would probably consider it just for the sake of knowing how my SO was doing. I think it might set you back though if it will bring back memories of better times and a life lost. I guess my short answer is, don't take him up on the offer if you are still holding on to your past. I know that sounds like it is opposite of what you want but really, it'll just set you back. Now, if you are feeling better and somehow can find a way to open your heart again, and even better if you were seeing somebody else, then maybe a short get together for old times sake would be OK.
> 
> And as for him changing his mnd with every gust of wind - maybe it's time that he learned that there are serious consequesces to his actions and decisions and that his waffling ways are hurting other people and you won't tolerate it.
> 
> ...


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## wunderbar (May 30, 2011)

cherokee96red said:


> H has been in contact, both calls and texts. *He's made it abundantly clear that he does not ever want us to be H & W again.* Friends, yes, always according to him, even close friends. We do have 25 years of history together. He'll be down in Oct. for the wedding, taking a week off. *Has said he wants us to "hang out", spend time together, even go to some of our old haunts on the river. I just don't know, feeling ambivalent.* I understand he sees no chance of R, that's what he says right now. Knowing that he is prone to changing his mind with the next gust of wind.
> 
> I'm keeping busy with trying to regain my independence, in lots of ways. Job hunting, studying yoga/meditation, reading, wedding planning, writing, whatever will distract my mind from unpleasant thoughts.


First of all, he is absolutely playing emotional games with you. And abusing his 'upper hand' in this whole thing. He still thinks he can have your attention whenever he wants but not be attached to you. (I wouldn't be surprised if that wasn't a not-so-subtle sexual advance.) Here is what I think: he is not over you, but desires his freedom. 

Play your cards right and you can get the best outcome either 1) he comes back to you or 2) you have closure (finally). So while it you have been trying to 180 him, he is not getting the message. I would highly suggest getting divorce 'proceedings' started. This will do one of two things; 1) light a fire under his butt and show him you are 'moving forward' (even if you are not) and 2) it will get you alimony / show him how his wallet will hurt by leaving.

I went through something similar last month, but we have since reconciled. When he was playing these games - telling my neighbors he was excited for a new house, more kids - while not living in our home. I called his bluff. I made an appointment with the court and set a date, got dressed up all nice and went out with my friends (and flaunted it in his face). Anyway, eventually, a week before our court date he caved and came home. We're going to counseling now. Hopefully you will feel more closure one way or another soon, moving forward really does help. Good luck.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

cherokee96red said:


> brighterlight said:
> 
> 
> > So sorry Cherokee! I can tell you that if that were the case with me and I was not over my SO yet, I would probably opt out of the going out part. If I was well on my way into recovery, I would probably consider it just for the sake of knowing how my SO was doing. I think it might set you back though if it will bring back memories of better times and a life lost. I guess my short answer is, don't take him up on the offer if you are still holding on to your past. I know that sounds like it is opposite of what you want but really, it'll just set you back. Now, if you are feeling better and somehow can find a way to open your heart again, and even better if you were seeing somebody else, then maybe a short get together for old times sake would be OK.
> ...


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Ah, gee..hanging out and being friendly with stbx along with the kids. As you said you'll have to wait and see come October how you are going to play that one out. One thing I was wondering about is why he's still in communication with you through calls and texts. Is he calling/texting everyday? To just talk to you or for the kids? 

This would be a huge road block in my recovery if H was talking to me everyday or even a couple times a week. I think the most imperative thing I have done for myself regarding recovery is to not talk to H at all. It's hard it's painful but it really does help, and I think it speeds up the mourning/detaching process. 

I have good days and bad days just like you. I have been trying to keep myself busy as well and lately I have had a lot going on. This makes it easier for me to disregard my emotion(s) for H and the separation/D, but in the long run I know it is not in my best interest to suppress any feelings I am having so I let them out or write them out. 

I hope better days are ahead for you. I have read your earlier posts and I know you have a lot on your plate.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> cherokee96red said:
> 
> 
> > Wow, isn't that limbo just too long. I wonder why he hasn't filed. It's not fair keeping you "hostage" while he just goes about his business. I couldn't have done it for that long, for me and my W, it's feast or famine after August 19th. It's either divorce or back together but I can't do limbo anymore, it's like a hell on earth.
> ...


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

cherokee96red said:


> brighterlight said:
> 
> 
> > Neither of us has the financial means to file. H left FL, in NJ now. Should he be able to afford it, he has to do so down here in FL, a fact I have not shared with him. If I ever get where I can afford it, I think I'll still let him do it.
> ...


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> cherokee96red said:
> 
> 
> > Then at some point you have to move on I would think so it goes back to my previous post about seeing other people. I mean, you at least have a time limit for yourself I hope. It may sound callous but you should not have to wait years to be happy and find some joy again. At least that's my thought on it. And your chances of seeing/being with someone else will be better if you are officially divorced.
> ...


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

saw your postings-----how are you doing? any progress?


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Guess I'm a bit behind in posting my monthly update so here goes:

Got my license, ready to drive again. Problem is I still don't have anything to drive. Intense car hunting has been underway for a couple of weeks.

Had a job interview for a job in my field, but alas, I didn't get it. Job hunting is as intense as the car hunting.


DD is currently visiting STBXH in NJ. She seems to be miserable, can't wait to get back home. I'm not asking her any questions about the OW, don't want to know a damned thing on that front. Just knowing that she exists is more than I wanted to know. DD will be home right after Labor Day.

STBXH can't seem to go more than a week without calling me. He asked me why I don't call him, that I can call him anytime. Uh, DURR! Is it not obvious why I don't call him? Seems weird that he calls me so much, why not call the (insert descriptive adjective of your choice)? Then in the same breath he tries to discuss the divorce. HUH??


Now the really good news! I'm gonna be a Grandma! My son and his fiancee told us Moms yesterday! My first! I finally got something good out of 2011.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Congratulations.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

it is October----what is happening?


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

October 15

My son's wedding was yesterday. Beautiful ceremony on the beach with a gorgeous Florida sunset on the Gulf. I, naturally, teared up. The reception was at their house, outside under a canopy/tent and went pretty well (as receptions go). No shortage of "excitement" , family drama, etc. All the time and work that I and my DIL's mom put into everything showed in our kids' faces through non stop smiles.

As for the STBXH, he arrived last Sat nite. Didn't see him until Monday, which also was his Bday. I kept myself in check all week. No fighting, no tears (at least not around him), basically the 180 in person. I felt pretty good about how I handled all of it. Even when he presented me with the divorce agreement. I looked it over, made some changes/additions and gave it back. He had a problem with the $ and time terms. I am holding fast to it. I informed him that we could let a judge decide everything. He tried to argue that I might get less than what he is offering. The reality is that right now there has been no forward progress on the divorce. 

He did seem somewhat surprised (can't think of the right word) by the weight loss, haircut and color, my overall appearance. Each time I knew I'd be seeing him, I made sure I looked good, pulling out all the stops for the wedding. 

Ain't it a kick in the azz to be celebrating your child's marriage at the same time you're witnessing the death and imminent burial of your own marriage?


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## Loveher (Oct 15, 2011)

Sounds like he is stressed and can't handle the situation.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Nov 23,

The day before Thanksgiving, what can I say. Things are pretty much at a standstill as far as either a settlement or straight divorce. Neither of us can afford to file and get a "court" style divorce. Have gone back and forth a few times with an agreement but he hasn't responded to the last one I sent. 

The biggest battle seems to be focused on the DD. I'm moving this coming weekend. She doesn't want to go to that particular place. Keep in mind she is 18 and wanting to try life on her own by staying where she is, with her friends. STBXH is really pressuring her to go to NJ. I'm just trying to be supportive of and for her, nevermind how I feel about him. What a quandry this is!

On the brighter side, my son and his wife have found out through sonogram that the 1st grandchild is going to be a girl! They've already picked the name, after both of us Mom's. She's due to arrive April 12! Still searching for my "grandma" handle. Just so excited.


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## Joodlestar (Nov 10, 2011)

I've just been reading your whole thread. What a strong woman you are. You should be proud of yourself .


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

... but is close to being extinguished.

December's update finds me now in another city. Job hunting is the main focus daily. It's not easy to find employment when you are female, 50, still recovering from brain surgery, etc. Not so much lamenting as stating the truth. But I do have plenty of experience, a college education, determination and faith that I will rise above this quagmire that STBXH has so deftly pushed me into.

I'm alone for the first time in 25 years, not even my dog. I had to leave her with my son. But on the plus side I no longer have to worry if the toilet seat is up (it's not ever now), have regained control of the remote, can eat what I like and when I want. Finally, all choices are for ME!

To keep busy when I'm not job hunting I have begun working on a 1,000 pc jigsaw puzzle of my fave thing, dolphins. I have also started a family survival/history book for the kids and granddaughter to be. I've reconnected with my roommate from college and several other friends that "disappeared" when I got married. On the whole, things are looking up now.

As for STBXH, deeper and deeper he sinks in the financial morass he is perpetuating. He's attempting to entice DD to joining him in NJ by saying he'll help her get a car and such. Looks like manipulation by money to me. She says it shouldn't make any difference where she is for him to help her. I've called him on his "look at me and what I'm doing" routine. So much that could be said about him, by me, his own kids, his family but I just don't even waste my breath anymore, to anyone. We all know him and he seems to be opting to cut himself out of everyone's life, that is except the POS he has taken up with.

Divorce still not filed, no money to do so. No agreement on the settlement. But going forward myself as best as I can right now. In time, things will change.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Survived anniversay day that was 10 days ago. Pretty smooth, think the fact that my fave BIL's birthday was the same day helped. Just about to see the day end when STBXH sent me a text, seemingly oblivious to the date. I simply told him that it was not a good day to discuss anything with me. When he asked why I suggested that he check the date. He must've because he replied with ok, next week then. Anyhow, I survived it.

Had a couple job interviews, nothing yet. Some days I feel so defeated on this front. Seems like so many things against me. I need real employment but it seems the self employed thing I did with STBXH, for 11 years, is biting me in the azz, more like chomping. Ugh! 

Now looming ahead is Christmas. I am looking forward to the kids coming over. DD will stay with me until STBXH :tool: gets her ticket to fly to NJ. I'll be taking her to the airport when it's time. Not looking forward to that, at all. 

Really cheeses me off, this financial pit I'm in because I am so restricted, heck, even unable, to give presents to anyone. It sucks, big time. Even making gifts is impossible because I can't get the supplies needed to create them. All I can come up with is printing each a special picture and composing heartfelt letters to each. I am determined to give them something that I hope means as much to them as it does me.

Hope that DD's time in NJ sees an attitude adjustment in her, for the better. Feels as if she keeps so much to herself, thinks she always has to be the strong one, that lately she has been acting out. Disrespect, ungrateful, uncooperative, teenage angst X 100. :rules:

STBXH and I have called a truce between us as a means of helping DD. Although, I think it would be better for her NOT to be staying with Dad's partner in crime in destroying the family. Me thinks it does not bode well. But, in DD's immortal words I must "suck it up and move ahead"!


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Jan. 2012


And I'm still here. Not quite the same person as I was, but not quite through with the transformation. Damn, but this is hard work, just getting through the day.

I've done more than the occasional glance back, replaying some things in my mind's eye, looking at things with a perhaps more jaded perspective. Not major events, rather very small, seemingly inconsequential things that now make me go "hmmmm?!" Things that aren't really worthy of a second, closer look now.

Close to 48 hours since I received the 1st of 3 emails from Lieceratops. I think my silence, thus far, is making him squirm with discomfort, maybe even a touch of guilt, definitely apprehension, waiting for the other shoe to drop as it were. Have to admit that I am taking a certain modicum of delight in this. Not sure how long I should persist in this, as at some point I will need to acknowledge him, at least where the taxes, settlement agreement and the like are concerned. Maybe some time next week, even next month. All depends on me, I have control of that anyway.


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## coffee shop (Jun 6, 2011)

I just read about your journey. You are really doing well. I love your attitude. You do have control and you will be sucessful I am sure. Hang in there! Good luck.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Atholk said:


> There's someone else.


Or, he's simply not committed enough to you to stick with you during the down times. Your life might not be in danger from the tumor or surgery, but it seems like you will experience repercussions for an extended period (ongoing health issues, loss of income from being unable to work) that will impact his lifestyle negatively if he continues to stick around.

I am definitely not defending him, just making an observation from having been on the receiving end of similarly crappy treatment. I'm sorry this happened to you, and you deserve better.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

DTO said:


> Or, he's simply not committed enough to you to stick with you during the down times. Your life might not be in danger from the tumor or surgery, but it seems like you will experience repercussions for an extended period (ongoing health issues, loss of income from being unable to work) that will impact his lifestyle negatively if he continues to stick around.
> 
> I am definitely not defending him, just making an observation from having been on the receiving end of similarly crappy treatment. I'm sorry this happened to you, and you deserve better.


:iagree:

As sad as it is, that was one of my first thoughts when he chose to set himself upon this path. I have felt that he decided this course of action when the cash flow ceased, ie: my income producing ability. See, when we first met, I was gainfully employed and he wasn't. I had my own condo, he lived in his parents' garage. I had a car, he didn't and had lost his license to a DUI. (Now I see the pattern of red flags!). 

Over the years though he became a viable contributor to the home, life and family we were building. He overcame, conquered even, so much and everytime I was right by his side with unflinching faith. I willingly sacrificed my job to be his partner in achieving his dream of a family biz.

There are a multitude of events, good and bad, in the story of us. Hurts that it seems to me that he has chosen to edit and rewrite that history.

Now here I am, attempting to completely reconstruct my life, beginning with employment.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

March 17


Way past time to update here, so get comfy.

Good Stuff:

Added the title of "Grandma"! She wasn't due until Aoril 12 but "made her escape" on Feb 5, exactly one week prior to my bday. After spending a bit over a month in the hospital, she is now at home. I was so blessed to be there when she made her grand entrance. For once, I was on the "list", allowed to be in the room. Leaving in the am to go and spend a few days with them and hold her for the first time ever!


Not So Good Stuff:

Still job hunting, not sure what the negative is with not getting a job, age, credit rating (the pits because of med bills, etc) or what.

Had to find another home for my beloved lab, hopefully I'll be reunited with her soon.

Really missing my DD. She's working hard, 2 jobs, to get her car but Lieceratops is becoming somewhat of a stumbling block, financially. Have reason to believe that it's her money that he sends me. Claims he doesn't make enough, after bills, to do what he offered. DD has told me that anytime I need $, she'll send it, but I refused. It's hers, she earned it to get a car. My thinking is once she has a car, etc she'll leave a trail of dust on her way back to Florida, but it just may be wishfully thinking.

Still no progress on the divorce. Have gotten legal advice re: settlement agreement, sent to STBXH now he's dragging his feet.

Mostly the days are a little better than just tolerable though the last few were not good ones at. Allowed myself to be sucked into a text discussion w/ Lie but I did very well at maintaining control of my desire to make snarky, sarcastic remarks. It was tough but I did it. 

Continue to be utterly amazed that he keeps clinging to the "I love you but I'm no longer in love with you" refrain. Just own up to the fact you cheated, live with the title and reputation you (he) earned.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

cherokee96red said:


> Mostly the days are a little better than just tolerable though the last few were not good ones at. Allowed myself to be sucked into a text discussion w/ Lie but I did very well at maintaining control of my desire to make snarky, sarcastic remarks. It was tough but I did it.


I know mine has made it very hard to refrain and my adult children are getting tired of his behavior.


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

How are things going, Cherokee? Any updates?


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Been so preoccupied posting in The Social Spot that I've neglected this thread.

ATM, there's little to update. STBXH is still dragging his feet on what he said he wanted, namely the divorce. I want it in order that I can "move on". Granted, he didn't let a silly thing like being married stand in his way, but that's the difference between me and him. I have brought in a lawyer to try to get him moving on this Collabrative divorce. Hasn't been a week yet since the lawyer emailed the info. STBXH responded to me, crying that he needed more time as he just started a new job (yet again). Feels like he's thinking that if he keeps putting me off with this that I'll eventually give up and go away. Not happening!

Nearly 6 months since DD went up to him. We talk and text quite a bit. She is working full time and got her car. Don't know when she'll be down to visit, already had to change her plans 2 months in a row. She has a BF (she hasn't used that title for him yet tho") but he has met dad and OW. Have to wonder if and how DD explained that situation! I've talked to BF on the phone, seems nice. 

DS and DIL have little to no use for STBXH. DS has expressed some of his anger towards his dad (esp where G'daughter is concerned). Hurts me when DIL tells me just how hurt DS is and it just makes me so angry at STBXH, more than all the sh!t he's putting me through.

My disability has been settled and begun but how they think anyone can live on the piddly amount I am getting is beyond me. Looking for a place back over where DS is, but it's tough to find anything that's reasonable for me and them, let alone me by myself.

Evidently, I have become an advice giver now on dealing with a cheater and such. A friend has discoverd, for at least the 3rd X, that her man has cheated. They've split and she has turned to me (among others, I'm sure) for words of wisdom. How can I advise anyone on this when I'm barely muddling through it myself?

I'm still angry but the anger is not quite as intense as it once was. I've cut ties with most of the in laws, been 5 months since any contact from them. Just pics to MIL of her family members that I came across. While they no longer mean anything to me, I couldn't bring myslef to destroy them. Didn't waste the effort to include a note or even put return address on the envelope.

Coming to grips with the fact that once the D is final, I will not ever need to contact STBXH again. The kids are grown and there is no need to co-parent. I will continue to love and support them the best I can and spoil the heck outta my Li'l Puddin"!


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Despite the sh!tty way your STBX is treating you with regards to the D, I'm happy that you are still positive and seem to be enjoying life, especially your grandchild.  

When I found out about my WH's infidelity, a close family friend said that one day I would use this experience to counsel others. Well, surprisingly, that very prediction came true one month later when a childhood friend called to vent about his W. She is a pathological liar and had been lying to him about literally everything since they met. I honestly think she is worse than a cheater, but that is for another thread. 

Still, just like your posting here is counsel and inspiration to me (and, I'm sure, others), please don't think that your advice to your friend is lacking in any way. 

Thanks for the update!


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

You may not be am expert, but sharing the knowledge you have gained with others can be therapeutic for both. Not ex bashing, mind you. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

MyselfAgain said:


> You may not be am expert, but sharing the knowledge you have gained with others can be therapeutic for both. Not ex bashing, mind you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I try not to indulge in the X bashing, though ATM I'm feeling a real desire to BASH my own STBXH. I could really use that 2X4 that's going around.

But seriously, she's drunk texted me several times this week and I just try to be there for her without all that drama. I just keeo telling her to let it go, she's better than what she's feeling she is, etc.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

So, apparently the old saying about thing happening in 3's has some merit. Just found out that BIL & wife are splitting after 12 years. Quite a few medical issues involved like fibromyalgia (her) and bipolar (him). BIL is the only in law to keep in contact with me and the kids. Both have said that infidelity plays no part, kind of a mutual "can't do this anymore" type decision, not at all like my situation.

Got email from STBXH, still dancing around the question I asked regarding what assurance there is that he won't put off the settlement thing again after the months he asked for me to allow him to get finances in order. So hard to fight my instinctive sarcastic responses to evry single word he used. Keeps pattin' himself on the back that he is doing certain things, with "NO" help from me. Uh, excuse me but I'm in this position because you (he) put me here. And he brags about how he's taking care of DD. From what I hear from DD, it's the other way around. Hursts me that he never mentions DS in any way. WTF!?

I'm contacting the lawyer to give him the go ahead on the filing and serving STBXH legal notice. Unsure when they'll ever be able to serve him as he drives OTR (trucker) and is rarely in one spot for very long.

This is not what I wanted, but a year of this sh!t is too long. It's time for him to either put up or shut up as the road to he!! is paved with good intentions.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Wow!
Just read this thread from the beginning. Even though I'm living this tale, it's still revealing, to me at least, the subtle changes from where I was a year ago and yet see some circumstances that haven't changed yet.

It has renewed me in my efforts to continue and step up the 180. I, once again, got sucked into the swirling vortex that has become communication with him. I only communicated this last time in reference to the settlement but somehow he managed to twist it back to ALL that he's doing, that "woe is him, poor him. He was so busy bragging about how DD is flourishing, being there with him, that it seemed he had forgotten that he also had a son. Appears that little tidbit has escaped him for sometime now. I pointed it out and told him to drop the "look at what a good father I am" routine. OK, I s'pose I shouldn't have said that. Just that the She-bear got poked one time too many and the claws went flying.

Fact is, I love both DD and DS, and I know they both love me. I'm proud of both, but want and they are both capable of more in life. They are the best things that ever came from our marriage.

I fail to recognize who STBXH has become over the past year or so. I've acknowledged my imperfections and am striving to remedy them. So onward I go in my rebirth, feel like a caterpillar in a cocoon and look forward to the day the butterfly emerges.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

"How can I advise anyone on this when I'm barely muddling through it myself?"

Don't sell yourself short, Red -- you are very wise.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

lamaga said:


> "How can I advise anyone on this when I'm barely muddling through it myself?"
> 
> Don't sell yourself short, Red -- you are very wise.



I got a msg from my friend that's going thru this now thanking me for the verbal "kick" I sent her. Actually helping her is helping me, if that makes any sense.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Yes, makes perfect sense!

It's a truism...if you really want to learn a topic, teach it.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

July 27, 2011


Got back a week ago from 3 weeks at DS's. So loved all the time I was able to spend with my puddin'. She is now rolling over and laughing, so much fun doing things to make her laugh! Though I did hate not having my computer available, it was needed time away from it. 

STBXH sent a settlement offer last Saturday. Even though I find it all so insulting, demeaning and personally devaluing I will likely agree to it just to get this whole debacle over and done. I just can't believe that 25 years, in the end, means so little to him.

As of late, more cheating incidents have come to light. Gawd was I just plain stupid all those years? No point in getting upset and angry about any of it, anymore, as no purpose will be served by doing so.

STBXH is growing ever impatient, even disturbed by my lack of response to his emails and texts this week. He wants my agreement on his "offer", have sent all communications to my lawyer and have an appt set for next Wed. STBXH has blown up my phone today with texts, says my not answering must be my way of messing with his head. Ok, I'll admit to a certain amount of glee in this. Have to "mess with his head" as it's obvious he has NO HEART! I'm really just letting the lawyer handle it but the side effect is fun.

So, if the new year begins and I am officially single, then I have a "cleansing" ceremony planned. NTS: get fireplace matches!

On a side note, it has been oh so hard to not give full rein to my sarcasm. It stays in my head, never makes it to print. I've seriously been contemplating an EFF off letter to STBXH once D is final and official.


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