# I have a big problem



## balr0g (Feb 16, 2012)

Hello people,

First of I'd like to say hello to everyone and second of I wanna go straight to my story.

I have a big problem with my fiance, she is VERY self-centered, selfish, daddy's girl and aggressive. There is absolutely NO way of discussing something without making the problem bigger. She thinks she has the right all the time and it's my problem all the time, which is not true. I don't wanna say I am an angle man who doesn't make any mistakes, but I am fair enough to say it's 50/50 but that is not right in her point of view.

How to deal with this kind of person as I don't and can't figure out ANYTHING? Since she was 4 years old, she has been given ANYTHING she wanted no matter if it's good for her or not and now when I say to something no, we can't do that, it becomes a problem for few days and it sits inside her until the next problem rises and so on.

Today she came up with something else, that if I wanna go and meet my family she have to go with me, which I don't have problem with it but, the problem is that I am a student and can't afford covering all the costs, (they live in another city) so I said we can split or you can pay a little. (she works full-time). Last time we went visiting my parents I paid for everything even-though I didn't have enough money I had to lent from my sister and of course she knows and didn't even mention it once.

And now the funny part is if I say I can't pay for both of us, then I don't have the right to go and visit my parents OR if I am not gonna pay for both of us and go by myself she is gonna travel for 4 days with her friends somewhere and when I say you have money and you can for this, she says no you are my man and you have to stand by my side. I don't know what to do, I am very very very much standing on the edge and this close to f**k up everything. PLEASE if you have an advice or a way tell me, I so badly in a need of an advice. 

Sorry if you think it's a long story, but believe me I just said a a part of one day.


Regards,
balr0g


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Do not at all get married before you find a way to work through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Tell her she's welcome to go if she covers her own costs otherwise she can go with her friends and you'll go see your family without her and that's how its going to be and end of story.

Don't let her be so controlling and learn to just shake it off after trying to work out a reasonable compromise which I have just provided you with. Say hi to mom and dad for me.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

Why would you propose to a woman you find self-centered, selfish, aggressive, etc.?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## balr0g (Feb 16, 2012)

No the problem is that we have agreed that we wont travel without each other outside of the country, and she is doing this ONLY to annoy me.

Plus, she is selfish and self-centered girl which I couldn't find out how to deal with in the last 12 months. :/

I proposed because she wasn't like this, and now she does do stuff and pisses me off, it's like she wants to piss me off.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I would not marry her and move on. You can not change a person from who they are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SilverPanther (Feb 2, 2012)

DON'T DO IT!!! I am saying this from the other side. There were serious problems between my now husband and I before I married him...and I didn't address them honestly. Yeah, we would fight, yeah I would sometimes even get up the nerve to tell him how I felt, and then cry a lot, and then he would hug me and say he loved me and I got all gooey inside and forgot what the fight was about to begin with. I should not have married him. It would have been really hard to admit that to myself, and break off the engagement, when I believed I was marrying my true love and this was a gift from God, but I should have forced myself to face the facts earlier. I didn't. It has turned out to be the worst mistake of my life.

I understand that you proposed to her because you loved her. I understand that probably a part of you still does love her and believes that deep down, she is that person you loved, and that this can all be worked out. That's pretty unlikely, but it if's worth it to both of you to try to work it out and come to a better place, then right now is the time to do that. Don't marry her then assume you'll just be able to get by with her. That's a disservice to you and to her.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

balr0g said:


> No the problem is that we have agreed that we wont travel without each other outside of the country, and she is doing this ONLY to annoy me.
> 
> Plus, she is selfish and self-centered girl which I couldn't find out how to deal with in the last 12 months. :/
> 
> I proposed because she wasn't like this, and now she does do stuff and pisses me off, it's like she wants to piss me off.


So what you agreed to it. 

You're not breaking the agreement, if she chooses to spend her money on going away with friends rather than with you, she's the one who is reneging on it, and you don't seem to have a problem traveling alone, your beef is with the money. 

I know you're not going to break the engagement even if that's in your best interests. So learn how to not be so easily manipulated and, as you put it "pissed off", by a controlling selfish annoying person such as her and maybe you'll get through the next few years in reasonably good shape.


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## balr0g (Feb 16, 2012)

I am not going to marry her if we can't figure out our problems, this much I am sure about and the other part that I am sure about, is that when she is in a good mood, she becomes the same person I loved and love, but sometimes, I honestly say that is out of control and she really gets out of the way and becomes the devil himself. I can control myself to just let her do what she wants, but I am a human being I can't control myself all the time and be the responsible one all the time, this is not fair.

We fought and still fight and sometimes don't talk for day, and I even included families from both side, but she found this wasn't a good way of solving problems. And therefore she mentions it all the time, and I am very afraid of some day I lose my control and burst-out and say stuff that she never forgets. I feel I am very much lost, and this week, I didn't do ANYTHING expect being home and doing nothing just reading in articles and forum posts of other relation problems hoping to find a way to solve my own. Today I feel deep inside anger I have NEVER felt my entire life and I was shocked that I have this much anger. This is very sad to be honest, and I pity myself.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

i don't know how old you two are but if she's old enough to marry you can be pretty sure she's old enough to be set in her ways. because of this, you will deal with this behavior through out what i bet will be a short marriage.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

*High Maintenance Alert*​*Warning Will Robinson​*


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

balr0g said:


> I proposed because she wasn't like this, and now she does do stuff and pisses me off, it's like she wants to piss me off.


She doesn't respect you. And she's probably not so in love with you anymore, either.

Bait and switch - she thinks she's got you wrapped around her little finger now (just like she's always had everything her way in her life), and she no longer is on her "best behavior".

You are seeing her true colors come out. You are seeing who she really is. Pay attention! This is the person she is - she is not going to change for the better. Unless you want a lifetime of being treated like this by her, don't marry her. Do you want to be posting here forever, talking about how awful your wife makes you feel every day?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Get a copy of no more mr.nice guy and read it.

Then really yet think hard before you really marry her, because she don't going to change with a ring on. Imagine living with and raising kids with some one who shows you such little respect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Sounds very immature. Even if you work out your current problems be ready for others to take their place. I wouldn't marry her yet. Give her time to grow up. No rush, marriage is supposed to be forever.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Balrog, welcome to the TAM forum. I'm sorry to hear you are in so much pain.


balr0g said:


> My fiance is VERY self-centered, selfish, daddy's girl and aggressive. There is absolutely NO way of discussing something without making the problem bigger. She thinks she has the right all the time and it's my problem all the time.[


The behaviors you describe -- selfishness, verbal abuse, temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, immaturity, blame-shifting, and always being "the victim" -- are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. Significantly, all of us occasionally exhibit all nine of the BPD traits, albeit at a low level if we are emotionally healthy. They become a problem only when they are so strong and persistent that they undermine a person's ability to sustain a friendship or marriage.

Only a professional can determine whether your finace's BPD traits are so severe that they meet 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having the full blown disorder. Yet, even when the traits fall well short of that level, they can make your life miserable. I therefore suggest you read about these traits so you can spot the red flags, i.e., the strong occurrences of such traits.


> When she is in a good mood, she becomes the same person I loved and love, but sometimes, I honestly say that is out of control and she really gets out of the way and becomes the devil himself.


The Dr. Jeckle/Mr. Hyde behavior you are describing -- where a person flips quickly from adoring you to hating you -- is called "black-white thinking." It is one of the hallmarks of BPDers (i.e., those having strong BPD traits at or below the diagnostic level). It occurs because BPDers cannot tolerate experiencing strong mixed feelings or ambiguities. They therefore categorize everyone (including themselves) as "all good" or "all bad" -- i.e., as "with me" or "against me." And they will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. 

This instant "flip" is necessary because they are unwilling to place someone in a middle ground or grey area. That is, they are extremely uncomfortable with the notion that someone is basically a good person who occasionally does bad things. This distorted "all-or-nothing" view of other people also will be seen in the way a BPDer frequently uses the expressions "you _always_ do..." and "you _never_ do...." This distorted perception of other people exists because the BPDer's emotional development is stuck at the level of a four year old.


> PLEASE if you have an advice or a way tell me, I so badly in a need of an advice.


Balrog, I don't know whether your fiance has most BPD traits at a strong level. I nonetheless am confident that you can easily spot the nine red flags if you will take time to read about them.

Before you graduated high school, you already could identify the selfish and very grandiose classmates -- without knowing how to diagnose Narcissistic PD. You could identify the class drama queen -- without being able to diagnose Histrionic PD. You could spot the kids having no respect for laws or other peoples' property or feelings -- without diagnosing Antisocial PD. And you could recognize the very shy and over-sensitive classmates -- without diagnosing Avoidant PD. Similarly, you will be able to spot strong BPD traits when they occur.

I therefore suggest you read my description of these traits in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that discussion rings a bell and the traits seem to describe your fiance's behavior, I would be glad to discuss them with you. I also would be happy to point you to a good book and excellent online resources. Take care, Balrog.


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## balr0g (Feb 16, 2012)

Married&Confused said:


> i don't know how old you two are but if she's old enough to marry you can be pretty sure she's old enough to be set in her ways. because of this, you will deal with this behavior through out what i bet will be a short marriage.


I am 30 and she is 25, so she is not that young either, 25 years old MUST know how to treat people, IMO.



norajane said:


> She doesn't respect you. And she's probably not so in love with you anymore, either.
> 
> Bait and switch - she thinks she's got you wrapped around her little finger now (just like she's always had everything her way in her life), and she no longer is on her "best behavior".
> 
> You are seeing her true colors come out. You are seeing who she really is. Pay attention! This is the person she is - she is not going to change for the better. Unless you want a lifetime of being treated like this by her, don't marry her. Do you want to be posting here forever, talking about how awful your wife makes you feel every day?


Yes, I somehow know that she doesn't respect me but I am kind of sure she does love me, only she needs attention 24/7 which I can't give because I am a human being too and need my attentions as well sometime. But she thinks, since I am a male and stronger, I neither want the attention nor need to get angry, so I have to take care of her all the time, which I do and that is my mistake, that I forgive her and forget so easily, but I guess, I had enough of this and this wont happen again.

I am not going to marry her if she doesn't change her behavior and start to act like a normal person. I am not saying that she doesn't get angry or be impolite, you are a human and this stuff are natural, but not being angry or flip in a second from being an angle to a devil, I sort of said that a couple of times, this is unacceptable, but still the same thing happens all the time.



Shaggy said:


> Get a copy of no more mr.nice guy and read it.
> 
> Then really yet think hard before you really marry her, because she don't going to change with a ring on. Imagine living with and raising kids with some one who shows you such little respect.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I should probably get a copy of that and I am going to in other words. I actually thought of that more than 1000 times, what or how am I gonna react if she is gonna treat me like that or start being unreasonable and I came to that I am not gonna get marry until I see a 100% change in her behavior. We wanted to get marry sometime in August but I change the date, until further notice and I am glad I did this.



Hopefull363 said:


> Sounds very immature. Even if you work out your current problems be ready for others to take their place. I wouldn't marry her yet. Give her time to grow up. No rush, marriage is supposed to be forever.


Yes, indeed! She is very immature sometimes, that I imagine a 3 year old kiddo, doing this stuff, and when you say to a kid don't do this, they stop after you repeat yourself 2/3 times, if the kid is a little devil, but no not my little girl. :/



Uptown said:


> Balrog, welcome to the TAM forum. I'm sorry to hear you are in so much pain. The behaviors you describe -- selfishness, verbal abuse, temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, immaturity, blame-shifting, and always being "the victim" -- are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. Significantly, all of us occasionally exhibit all nine of the BPD traits, albeit at a low level if we are emotionally healthy. They become a problem only when they are so strong and persistent that they undermine a person's ability to sustain a friendship or marriage.
> 
> Only a professional can determine whether your finace's BPD traits are so severe that they meet 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having the full blown disorder. Yet, even when the traits fall well short of that level, they can make your life miserable. I therefore suggest you read about these traits so you can spot the red flags, i.e., the strong occurrences of such traits.The Dr. Jeckle/Mr. Hyde behavior you are describing -- where a person flips quickly from adoring you to hating you -- is called "black-white thinking." It is one of the hallmarks of BPDers (i.e., those having strong BPD traits at or below the diagnostic level). It occurs because BPDers cannot tolerate experiencing strong mixed feelings or ambiguities. They therefore categorize everyone (including themselves) as "all good" or "all bad" -- i.e., as "with me" or "against me." And they will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action.
> 
> ...


Wow, and thanks a million for taking time and posting such a useful post. I would LOVE to discuss it with you and get some advice, etc. And I can assure you that her BPD is on 101%.  .. I am going to read your list of hell and I can send you a PM if that's ok with you or I can write here and discuss it but I feel some stuff, can't be said here even-though it's anonymous but still. 

Now, something new she came up with yesterday, IF I wanna go visit my parents and don't pay for her ticket she is going to either tattoo herself OR she is gonna do "neck liposuction", it's not that she is not pretty or she is fat, she is HOT as Miami's sun, and she has the Model bodies (but she still has these ideas like other girls that they're fat no matter how beautiful, not fat they're), and she is doing it ONLY to piss me off because I don't like either. :/


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Whoa! You'll marry someone who DOESN'T respect you????

Did I read that right? Wow, you should really take the advice of others around here. I'm on my second marriage. My first husband had ZERO respect for me. I ended up getting abused and cheated on. I left, with child after a year. I couldn't take his selfishness any longer. His abuse carried on to our daughter, which he disrespected her as well(he won't allow her to talk to her siblings) and he shut her out of their life completely. My second marriage is the polar opposite. My husband and I fully respect one another. There is a lot of love, passion, and laughter in our marriage. We have very happy children that are very well behaved. We are very good role models for our children. Is your future wife going to be a good role model for your children if you have them?

I have a pretty darn good idea that this woman will make your life miserable unless she grows up. 

She kinda sounds like those woman on the show bridezilla. Yikes!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## balr0g (Feb 16, 2012)

Hell no, I wont marry her if she doesn't change herself and grow up.

I am not gonna say that when she starts screaming or being selfish which she is all the time, I thought IF I start showing her that she is not the only one who can shout and being selfish, I can do that, but still this kind of behavior from my side didn't work either. In other word I tried every possible way, tried to even show her that when she becomes evil it hurts me, and said some stuff, that she had already said to me, but that didn't help either. 

Now another great thing, was that when I drive you here and there you don't pay for my gas, and you did fill my car with gas only couple of times. What she means by driving me around, when I am at her place I go to the library to study and she drives me there, and when we go out she takes her car and we drive to the restaurant, coffee shops, etc, so this is what she means by that, though I PAY when we do stuff. I asked her, what happens if you PAY one time, what happens if you PAY for parking tickets? Nothing, but you are my man and you should do that. I CAN'T DISCUSS ANYTHING! Gosh, sometimes, I think I WAS/AM the idiot who stayed this long with this baboon!


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Hello, 

There are some steps that you can take to improve your situation. Please keep in mind that what I write is based on generalizations and may not completely apply to you. Take from it what you need. 

In your situation I strongly suggest adopting a calm assertive attitude. It seems that your partner is showing entitlement issues likely due to upbringing. 

In order to maintain balance I suggest you handle her inappropriate behavior in a calm assertive playful way along the lines of: 

- pay attention to the emotional energy you bring when interacting with her. Women usually respond to that much more than the content of what you are saying. As a man your natural tendency is to discuss facts and pay attention to the information and logic of what you are saying. In interacting with her you must focus much more on your energy. 

For instance energy like being tense or angry, justifying yourself or hesitating is considered weakness and invites an escalation in her tantrums. 

The energy you need ideally at all times consists of: 

-	confidence, leadership, decisiveness
-	control your reality, social mastery
-	have a still center, nothing phases you
-	tone of voice and body language 
-	unashamed, relaxed

Now with this energy in mind here are a few hypothetical examples of actions you can do to handle her: 

- playfully spank her when she get's out of line. Nothing phases you, and with the right confident playful energy she will love and respond to the interaction. Be careful with your energy, you need the proper attitude when doing this.

- calmly and unshaped by her protests make your decision and act on it such as going to your parents. Calmly explain to her why and go despite her protests. 

- address her vocal tantrums Dog Whisperer style. Watch the show to see how. use psychological interrupts like touch her without harming her just to snap her out of that state of mind.

Please keep in mind that you must be careful to maintain balance. You are playful never abusive, you touch and address but never hit. You control your reality and act decisively but also respect her opinions.

Balance is the main word


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

^ This is a really good post right here.

Break the chain of action/reaction so it doesn't keep escalating to pointless nonproductive arguing.

Make a decision and stick with it, in this case you're going on your trip, and that's all there is to it. She can join you, or go with her friends, or do whatever else she's inclined to do but if she's looking to join you then she covers her own travel costs.

There's nothing to argue about, stop feeding into her constant attempts to bait you. If you can follow the advice of the above poster eventually the conflict will cease because it takes two.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

balr0g said:


> Yes, I somehow know that she doesn't respect me
> 
> Now, something new she came up with yesterday, IF I wanna go visit my parents and don't pay for her ticket *she is going to either tattoo herself OR she is gonna do "neck liposuction",* it's not that she is not pretty or she is fat, she is HOT as Miami's sun, and she has the Model bodies (but she still has these ideas like other girls that they're fat no matter how beautiful, not fat they're), and she is doing it ONLY to piss me off because I don't like either. :/


Really? This is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with? What exactly do you think will happen here - she will magically become a different person somehow? 

Think about this seriously. You don't want to have children with her - imagine the type of mother she'd be..."baby, i know you're only 5 years old, but you have too much fat on your neck. Liposuction time!...if you don't learn how to go to the potty, it's tattoo time!" WTF?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

_Yes, I somehow know that she doesn't respect me but I am kind of sure she does love me, only she needs attention 24/7 which I can't give because I am a human being too and need my attentions as well sometime_

Why be with someone who you know doesn't respect you?

I wouldn't go through wtih this marriage, man.
Not just that but I suggest you get into therapy to find out why you tolerate staying with someone like this. Know your worth.


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## Stir Crazy (Feb 10, 2012)

Your location shows you live in Sweden, is she Swedish herself or has lived for many years in Sweden and understands the culture? If so, kindly inform her that "jämställdhet" applies to BOTH genders, not just to hers. 

How would she like it if you behaved towards her as she does to you? She would likely think you are a controlling Neanderthal, yet you are supposed to accept it when she behaves this same way? Why...because you are the man? How is that fair and equal?


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