# Been married 12 years. Affair of the heart for 2 years.



## indymovie

I don't know if this will help me or not, or if I'll even get any responses. But I have no one else to talk to, and I need to put everything that's in my head down somewhere.

I'm 36, Male, been married for almost 12 years, my son is 3. I love my wife, and she's a terrific mother. But for a long time I've known that my feelings have changed in a bad way. 

Here's the first layer:

The best way to describe it, it's like she's my sister. We get along fine. Not a lot of fights, good parenting pair, plenty of trust and freedom throughout our 12 years. I would give my life for her's, what happens in her life is very important to me, and I can't stand the thought of hurting her or breaking her heart. 

But I am pretending. When I kiss her it feels unnatural. It's not physical though, I'm pretty sure she's still beautiful. But still, it almost creeps me out. I have had trouble having sex with her for almost 4 years. It feels wrong, and forced, and sad.

For a long time, I convinced myself that this was some kind of natural progression of marriage/relationships. And maybe it is, I don't know... I consider myself a very logical, loyal, almost old-school "you made your bed, now you lie in it." kind of guy. Maybe most importantly, I would move the universe for my son. So I tried to just power through it, convince myself that the growing sadness was not there.

But now my wife is ready for a second child. And I am ready for a second child. But like a ton of bricks it hit me that I do want another baby, but I don't want to have one with her. I don't want to add another lie to the pile, or have a baby out of obligation or something. And coincidentally, I've become suddenly impotent. God...

So let's get into layer 2 of this mess. 

About 2 years ago, I began working woman, and without any trying whatsoever, we became strong friends. She was very good at her job, and essential to what I do for a living. And I have been colleagues and friends with a hundred women in my 12 years of marriage, so it's not like this was some crazy new situation for me. I knew she was kind of special, but wrote it off as a professional crush, compartmentalized it, we did our jobs, worked adjacent, whatever. It never occurred to me that this was "something." Not at first.

Then, six months later, my colleague was laid off. And it devastated me. I never expected that, but there it was in front of me. That compartment opened up, and my stomach dropped out, and I was very afraid that I was in love with this person. I was guilt ridden, couldn't sleep for days. Though I had feelings for her, in many ways I thanked God that this person was leaving.

Eight months passed. And I tried to rededicate myself at home. But it was largely still a fabrication. And I thought about my friend all the time, and my feelings did not fade. Then I got the good/bad news that we were going to possibly rehire my "friend." When she called to tell me, and ask me advice about coming back, I concocted a story to convince her not to come back to maybe avoid more of this. But it was a lot more money, and she hated her new job, so of course she came back.

At first I avoided hanging around her, we never had lunch even though I have lunch regularly with every other person who works with me in that capacity. But that pretense wore down eventually, and we fell back into our previous friendship. Even now, I still felt like I could work harder at home, and put this weird crush back in the box. I never scheduled work travel with her, I never went to happy-hour when she was going. And about another year passed.

That brings us to now. Last week, there was a terrible snow storm here on a Friday night, and many of us from work walked to the bar across the street. My friend was not going to go so I tagged along until the snow let up. 30 minutes in, my friend showed up, and sat across from me. We all chatted over a few drinks and food, and I kept up my act as usual. About an hour in, my friend came back from the bathroom and when she sat down her foot touched my foot, and I jerked mine back, and we looked at each other. And she put her foot back against mine. And then she got up and left. And I was kind of in shock. And then my phone buzzed with a text message.

"I am in love with you."
(and neither of us were close to drunk)

So there it was. She loved me too. No physical affair, no contact for the better part of a year, trying to avoid it. But we were both in love.

Now I'm a wreck. I'm the good guy in my family, I think with my head, I talk people out of stupid moves all the time. I never hurt anyone's feelings if I can avoid it. I would call myself a moron if I heard this story. My in-laws love me, and think of me as the dependable one. My dad talks about how proud he is of my marriage. I can't lose my son forever, I can't ruin his life. I think of the pain that I will cause and it is unbearable.

But I am also in pain. I've felt broken for a long time. My good friends have told me I seem sad for years. I'm faking it to make my wife believe we have something. And I'm lying by omission. And I think of waiting another 5 years, and what if we could find something for both of us that was better? And I think of dying with regrets. 

But I could probably just power on. I could probably just push further into a marriage that feels wrong. I think I have that in me still. I almost wish I'd had sex with someone, and that was my secret. But how do you tell someone the things I'd have to tell my wife? How do you utterly destroy someone who is not a bad person, and has done nothing directly to change your heart?

I've tried to be as honest as possible here, and I know its a strange stream-of-consciousness story. Sorry. Please feel free to throw any responses back that you have. Judge me, point me in some direction for help, whatever. I just need someone to tell me something. Thanks.


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## unloved

Your story is very similar to mine, only I'm the wife. Please tell her if you have any shred of decency. Be kind - It will be extremely painful and devastating for her. But it will allow both of you to deal together with what is happening, either by working to rekindle your love (which means no more contact with the other woman) or for each of you to move on. My husband went 6 yrs "faking" the good husband while withdrawing affection and sex. Trust me, your wife knows something is wrong. Her wanting another child may be her way of trying to rekindle your connection.

Think long and hard about what you are giving up if you leave to pursue a life with this other woman. You are having a classic emotional affair that is bordering on becoming physical. The deeper you get in to this the harder it will be to save your marriage and your family. 

My husband is staying for now, but so far has refused to try to rekindle any connection (or maybe he doesn't know how at this point). I've gone from anger, to desperation, to resignation, and I'm almost to the point of letting him go and moving on. I just wish he had said something sooner.


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## publicme

Quite a story. Feel bad for you. It's hard because you still admire this woman and think she's beautiful. It seems like you need to decide whether you want to give it another full-out try to make it work. Maybe try to imagine what it would be like if you could get trough it, how much greater it may be for the pain you went through. Maybe start off slow with a counselor broaching the subject to your wife that you simply don't feel so happy and it may be depression, may be mid-life crisis, may be a need to find a way to put a new spark in your relationship. In that context, with a pro, maybe just lay it all out on the table with the knowledge that the adviser can at least prevent a wild fight, give you both space to talk, and set a plan for resumed talks.

No, from what I hear, the pain of getting out will be more than staying in and trying to deal with it. Just my 2 cents.


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## Cgreene21

To me, I guess its a matter of whether or not you decide to persue this new found love.

From personal experiance, I recently found out my W was carrying on an affair for the last 6 months. She never told me, and denied it when I questioned her. Although it would have hurt like hell, I would rather have had her tell me the truth from the start instead of being lied to for months on end, only to discover the truth myself.

If you choose not to, then I would keep it to yourself. To me its a matter of dignity and integrity. Why cause her pain if there's no reason?

Be honest with yourself and her. The fact that you stopped to question what you are doing is more than most people would do. You do seem like an honest man, and I respect the fact that you sought help in this situation. In the end, I'm certain you will do the right thing, no matter what you choose.


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## Amplexor

My marriage survived a pretty serious EA and from that sprung a stronger marriage that operates at a level that was impossible a few years ago. It is important to recognize that some of your connection issues with your wife are a direct result of your feelings for this other woman. Even though you were out of contact with her for a year, it was apparently not enough time for you to get passed the fantasy of a relationship with her. My recommendations are almost always to save the marriage and I see nothing here to advise differently. Since she has "expressed her love" I believe you need to have a frank discussion with her that this is interfering with your marriage and family so the relationship will not happen. Working at the same company makes no contact impossible. Consider that a job change may need to occur. Do not have another child at this point and you owe it to your wife to tell her you are feeling disconnected from her and now is not the time. Whether you tell her about TOW is a tough call. I suggest you and your wife begin counseling as it is obvious you have not been able to resolve this issue on your own and your marriage, wife and family deserve every option be explored. You've done nothing wrong other that letting your heart lead you away from you marriage. I commend you for recognizing and trying to be proactive in this. Good luck.

OBTW is the other woman married also?


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## mbhand2k

You have a lot of work to do my friend. I would suggest you see a counselor and let it all out. Then I would suggest to write down all the pros and cons of your life now, and then your life without your family. It will be a tough road whichever you decide. Good Luck.


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## mocon

I'm connecting with your story big time, just without the love interest outside of the marriage (there's none for me). I do not envy you my friend, what you're going through sounds really tough. My attitudes and lack of real love towards my wife are my deal also, and despite the fact that we've been in counseling for a while now, it's just not coming back. I cannot say how sad that makes me, although I think you understand. I also have two beautiful little girls that I can't bear the thought of being away from, so I try to find a way. I know this can't last forever and I guess I'll know when the right time or decision comes. But I'm praying for you and wish I had any real advice to offer. I hope some understanding support will suffice.

mike


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## Undecided2063

I've had my husband cheat on me - it's hard to recover from - but if my husbad felt the way you did I would want him to follow his heart - but leave me first. As hard as it would be, especially at first, I would want him to be happy even if it was with someone else. It's easier said then done to leave someone you care for. You never know, your wife may feel the same way.


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## chris01

As many others have already posted, I can relate to your story and am currently going through the same struggle. Here are my insights and a couple of points to consider that may be helpful:

1. As one of the other posters said, DO NOT have another child. Yes, your wife wants one, but what would be worse - having an only child if you stay married, or having 2 kids if you divorce? 

2. Be honest with your wife - now. Yes, it will be painful. Yes, she will feel betrayed - but if there is even a remote possibility to restore your marriage to a healthy state (if that's what you decide you want), then you must be honest. Not to mention the fact that she deserves to make her own decisions as well. Counseling will be necessary to not only repair the past, but to build a future (or at least see if you have one.)

3. I agree with the previous poster who said the best option is to stay married - to a point. I agree with the wisdom that a two parent home creates the healthiest children IF it is a healthy marriage. If it is not healthy (i.e. your situation if it doesn't change), then IMO it is better to be healthy influences apart rather than unhealthy influences together. 

4. Thinking back to your relationship with your spouse before you were married, was it a healthy relationship? Were you drawn together because of similar values, shared goals, religious beliefs, etc.? If so, can you identify (or have you already) what changed? I don't believe that people necessarily "fall out of love", but I do believe we can be drawn together for the wrong reasons and eventually those reasons catch up with us. Not to say you can't overcome them and build a strong relationship, but first you have to be honest about how you got there.

5. Finally, I believe the ultimate decision is this - we must weigh faith and obligation against the realization that life is fragile and we must make our choices count. At the end of the day, only you can make that decision.

I wish you well, whatever the ultimate outcome.


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## pearl18

Wow, my story is similar but I am the woman in this situation -- and fell in love with a co-worker. Ours did get to a physical level pretty quickly. We didn't have sex but we hugged, then kissed, then touched. It was hard to stop it. We mutually ended the affair after 2 months due to both of us having a lot of guilt. I am married & he has a long term gf. 

We still have to see each other at work too. I work part-time but we see each other twice a week or more. I start to recover on the days I don't see him...only to have those feelings rekindled the minute I see him. Seeing each other definitely makes it harder.

I am curious if she is married? And, was there any discussion after her text? Did you respond? I am just curious because she really went out on a limb with that sudden text to you. I never got to tell the guy I had the affair w/that I loved him. Its been 5 months since we ended it. I have had a very difficult marriage due to my husband's verbal abuse. We are in marriage counseling (and me in individual counseling) which is helping somewhat. But, I have zero feelings for my husband. I am numb. Sex is almost torture. I don't feel close to him. 

I can so relate to your confused feelings as I am a girl version of you. Everyone thinks highly of me -- I am the stable, dependable, happy girl who does not wrong (haha). Everyone who knows me would be shocked to hear about my EA. I am not one to break from a commitment, yet everyday I wonder how I will survive the next 40 years in my marriage. I have four kids so its not easy to walk away. 

I guess the few things I have realized throughout the past 6 months is:
1) Even if you were already in a bad marriage, the EA does effect your mind & how you view your spouse. It makes it easier to want to end the marriage. It makes it easier to imagine a different life. Its becomes really hard to tell if the marriage is really over or if you just feel that way because of the EA
2) EAs hard like an addiction. They are very hard to break away from. No contact is the rule I read about all the time & I think its true. I feel addicted to this guy. After 5 months, I still think of him all the time. He consumes my mind.
3) Something my brother told me was..."Do not leave your spouse for someone else. Do not stay with your spouse only because you feel sorry for them. If you are going to leave, leave only for yourself becuase there is no guarantee that person you think you love will be waiting for you.
4) Most affairs never work out. Only 3% do. The statistics are against it ever working out even though it feels like you have met your soul mate (or at least I do).
5) Individual counseling is helping me a lot -- its so great to tell SOMEONE how you are feeling cause EAs are very lonely. Marriage counseling is painful & not helping much right now but I am plugging along anyway.

I can't give you an answer because I am in the exact same stuggle. I keep hoping time heals & that my love for my husband will come back. So far it hasn't. You sound like a great guy so I hope things work out for you.


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## trinidadmauby

Everyone seems to be in a similar situation with no solution. They say if u can beat them join them. lol. Anyway, i thinks what chris said:
I don't believe that people necessarily "fall out of love", but I do believe we can be drawn together for the wrong reasons and eventually those reasons catch up with us. 

i think that is so true. and now that we find someone who seems to be what we should have chosen in the first place we then realise what we did. but alas we know in the pit of our stomach that it is not the fault of the other person and to come out and say it make u look like a "donkey". what to do? i am awaiting the answer also.


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## SouthernGrl

I feel for you. Mostly because I would have an EA if the chance presented itself. I know exactly what it feels to have a wonderful spouse but have little to know real connection anymore. And I love what Chris said as well, people being drawn together for the wrong reasons and it catching up to them. One discrepency--I don't believe in "wrong" reasons. The reasons were right at the time. There are no right and wrong reasons--only ones that work for us over time as we grow and change. If what drew you together could only last a few years at best you either needed to re-evaluate and re-connect or something like this was bound to happen. 

In my case, I was addicted to his obsession of me. I was his everything. Things in his everyday reminded him of me and he let me know on a daily basis. It was what I needed (still do) and fell for. I don't think those are "wrong" reasons, I just think I'm the type of woman who needs a lot of emotional reassurance. I've talked to him ad naseum about this, but he just doesn't get it. It's gotten to the point where I'm now not sure I'm really attracted to him anymore. He thinks I have no sex drive, it's really that I have no sex drive for him. I've lost what makes me connect to him.

I guess you need to remember what connected you to your wife in the first place. Can you get that back? The EA started because the connection was lost with your wife. Is it possible to find it again? Perhaps then you can stop seeing her as a sister and more as a lover. Good Luck.


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## maemayon

I agree. My husband had an EA and tried to pretend it wasn't so. But the fallout was insurmountable. And as a result, I'm leaving. Better to tell the truth up front, deal with the fall out and move on. And by all means, don't make the mistake my husband and I did. STICK with one child.


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## hethybee85

I think that if your wife is the woman you say she is, you need to trust her with this information. The guilt may be the problem here anyways. I think that children take a toll on marriage and can make it hard to focus on your spouse. I don't think that you should give up with your wife but I think you owe it to her to cut it off with your work friend. I would talk to your wife about how you two think this should happen (ie. job change if necessary) This is a difficult situation--but it can either be a time that your marriage crumbles or flourishes. It's no wonder you're feeling distant though...when there is a huge secret upon the horizon, you're going to feel that way. 

Also, it is definitely not uncommon or wrong for you to have thoughts of the "grass being greener"....everyone does. You will get to that point with ANY woman, mark my word. All i'm saying is try to work through these things before walking away. Take a romantic vacation or even start working with a sex therapist....try to rekindle. You took vows and you love this woman. Also, you said you know that the sex issue is not physical--but it sounded like you were saying it's not physical in the sense that your wife is lacking in attractiveness. I would make sure that there is nothing else going on too (ie. are you taking any antidepressants that could affect sex drive? are there other health issues like a heart condition that could affect your sex life? And guilt or anxiety can also do this...) 

The mind is an amazing thing and sometimes we forget which came first....

For example, I am a social worker and I have studied relationships of people for years. When you think about things with the mind though for example people with panic attacks can have two ways that they manifest:

They can first be very anxiety ridden and then have the physical feeling of a panic attack because they're so anxious.
ie. your guilt leading to problems with your sex life

OR

They can have the physical feeling of a panic attack with no anxiety and then look for things to panic about because their body is in panic mode. 
ie. problems with your sex life because of something physical leading to guilt and questioning your marriage.

I think that making your decision before letting your wife in on the info would be a mistake. I think you should at least trust your wife enough to work through this with you. Will it be pretty-probably not? But is it necessary for this woman you love so much? I think so. 

Working through the emotional stuff, the sex stuff may fall back into place--but definitely not overnight.

Your situation reminds me very much of the lyrics to the pina colada song (funny, I know....but seriously):

I was tired of my lady, we'd been together too long.
Like a worn-out recording, of a favorite song.
So while she lay there sleeping, I read the paper in bed.
And in the personals column, there was this letter I read:

If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
If you're not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
I'm the lady you've looked for, write to me, and escape.

I didn't think about my lady, I know that sounds kind of mean.
But me and my old lady, had fallen into the same old dull routine.
So I wrote to the paper, took out a personal ad.
And though I'm nobody's poet, I thought it wasn't half-bad.

Yes, I like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne.
I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon, and cut through all this red tape.
At a bar called O'Malley's, where we'll plan our escape.

So I waited with high hopes, then she walked in the place.
I knew her smile in an instant, I knew the curve of her face.
It was my own lovely lady, and she said, "Oh, it's you."
And we laughed for a moment, and I said, I never knew...

That you liked Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
And the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape. 
You're the love that I've looked for, come with me, and escape.

If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
If you're not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
You're the love that I've looked for, come with me, and escape.

Anyways, Let us know how it turns out--I wish you the best!


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## AdrenalineJunkie

I felt like I just read my exact story only I'm a woman who feels that way about her husband. I love him and never want to hurt him and think he is a wonderful dad but we are so different in personality and for the last few years we started to just totally disconnect. Long story short I developed emotional feelings for a co-worker just like you. I did tell my husband finally though and he suddenly wanted to do anything within his power to fix our marriage. Even though time and time again I told him I wasn't happy before and he never wanted to talk about it. So we went to counseling and I stayed and tried to stay away from my co-worker. however now MONTHS later I still do not have the physical feelings I should for my husband. I feel like you as far as it being like kissing my brother or just living with a roommate. I'm comfortable with him in that way and like the home we have made and so I try to push through the other stuff. Only where before he didn't care about the lack of sex and it was me trying to spice things up the roles have now reversed. My dad thinks that he hung the moon and would be devastated if we separated. I have two children age 7 and 5 and I hate the thought of breaking up there home. I guess the thing we need to ask ourselves are is it fair to us or to our spouses to basically live a lie? I have promised myself I will make a decision about what I want to do after the new year. Living like this is only killing me inside. I'm turning into a person I don't want to be. So while sometimes I think like you "I made my bed and must suck it up and lie in it" other times I feel that being unhappy makes me on edge and my husband and kids can sense that. I know that no matter what I will always be there for my kids and I would not be leaving them. I think that is the main thing. 
One problem I have is that my husband is a stay at home dad so financially it will be a huge hit for me. My co-worker was also married but now he is separated and took a hit financially but he's doing okay and he says he's much happier because he did not love her anymore. He also had 2 young kids and they handled it surprisingly well. In fact I think it's better when they are young. My brother recently divorced after 21 years of marriage and the teenage children did not take it well at all. As hard as it is I would recommend talking to your wife about things and see how she feels. I felt so much better after I told my husband the truth but now I feel like it's time for me to talk to him again. I tried and throught I could get those passionate feelings back but I haven't been able to. Good luck to you.


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## F-102

I think you have to look for the lesser of two evils. I know, it sounds like an overpractical cop-out, but consider:
Would you rather live with the regret that you didn't leave to try and find "true happiness", and playing "what if" for maybe the rest of your life?

OR:

The regret that you left your wife and child for the other woman, found out that there wasn't a pot o' gold at the end of the rainbow when that relationship goes sour, realizing that you really loved your W all along, but were too blind to see thru the fog, and now you have to pay alimony and child support to a woman who never wanted this, and there is the possibility that she will poison your kid against you, or even the possibility in her shocked and confused state, she hires an unscrupulous lawyer who will rob you blind in divorce court, and you may be stuck reminding yourself that this never had to happen.

And that OW, does she REALLY love you, or does she know full well of your vulnerable state, and is just looking for a fling with no intention of marrying you or even a serious relationship? And, who's to guarantee that you won't piss her off someday, and she'll go to your HR people, telling them of the "unwanted" sexual advances from you?

I think you know what side I'm on for this, but you have to make a choice, and I really hope that it's the one you can live with.


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## Fac 51

Well I have to say my story is pretty much exactly the same although I did have the affair. Not at first but after a few months..I have been with my wife for 16 years, married for 10, 2 children - 6 and 2 .. I made the mistake of having the 2nd child which although I know sounds terrible as I love my kids dearly .. 

My sexual desire for my wife faded rapidly and for the last 10 years we have only been doing it once or twice a year.. she is beautiful far more beautiful than the OW but I just dont find her sexually attractive. 

The connection with the OW was extremely srong mentally and phsically.. I discovered that not only was I a very sexualy person, I was actually quite good at it! 

The affair is out in the open and I have been seperated for 7 months now.. whilst my head is telling me to rekindle things with my wife my heart is still with the other woman.. she made me feel things that I had never felt before..

I am not sure if the reason I am unable to re connect with my wife is because I am still in love with the OW..

My advice is to talk to your wife.. discuss the issues that you have.. she may be feeling similar things.. I dont believe that councelling can solve that fact that whilst you love your wife you are simply not in love with her! if you have never experienced this it is difficult to understand.. you have a sexual desire, its not like you have lost that, its just that you have lost it with your wife.. people fall out of love all the time and your wife needs to know this so you can deal with it.. The attraction you feel for the OW may never go away.. do you want to carry on like this for the rest of your life?? you did not ask to fall out of love with her but it happened..

Good luck .. you are not alone


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## Sterling

I'm just curious to know if you have ever stopped n considered the thought of seeing your wife with another man? What emotions come to mind when that thought enters your mind? Searching for why you do or don't have feelings may help.


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## Rico

Well I can say that my story is exactly the same except I lose on all fronts. The girl from work that I am in love with got fired and then asked me not to contact her anymore as she is trying to work things out with her boyfriend and my wife who for the last four years solely concentrated on being a mother and neglected me found out about the affair and will not forgive. I feel your pain man. 2 weeks form this saturday I will be going for my first mediation consult, we have a ton of bills and I have to stay in the house we bought because I have no where else to go. I have a 6 and 2 year old and I simply gave up on the marriage after telling my wife constantly about my feelings of being ignored and neglected. I took the easy path and went to the arms of someone willing to give me the attention. I regret it all now but it seems a little too late now. I have no girl and now I also have no family. I will concentrate on putting all of my effort into being the best father I can be. That is all I have left at this point.


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## Falene

I would bet my last penny that if your wife started to show interest in another man and/or you suspected she was having an EA/PA she would all of a sudden not feel like your "sister" at all.

She is doing everything she thinks she is supposed to do and gets this? Do both of you a favor and tell her. If it works out for the both of you...fantastic. If not at least she can move on with her life and find someone who is passionate and loving towards her.

My heart bleeds for her.


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