# Lost in the in between



## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

I cheated, I ended it, I confessed and he tried, in his way to work through it. Now he has asked me to leave him alone, sleeps on the couch and leaves every night when the kids go to bed only to return sometime between 1 am and 5 am. I want my husband, marriage, and family. I don't really think he knows what he wants, but for sure it isn't me right now. He is constantly texting to a number he claims is a man, but when I call the number I get a woman everytime. 

I want to give him the space he is asking for, but I am afraid the space he is asking for is just to get prepared to leave me.........so lost.....fire away, I am totally expecting to be told off, just know that I do love my husband and want him to be happy and will if I have to let him go to that end, but it is not what I want at all.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

In many respects, your story is not unique. Many bs's have difficulty getting past infidelity. You have at least one thing going for you and that's the fact that you're still under the same roof. With that said, no amount of 'I'm sorrys' are going to do anything to convince your husband not to leave if that's what he wants. He has to see change.

So what do you change? A start would be voluntarily eliminating things that made your infidelity possible. Get off of Facebook, give him open email and cell phone access, maybe even change numbers if you have to. You could call him and account for all your time away from home. There are many things you could do but nothing you say will work. He has suffered something that has been described as more devastating than even a rape (from the mouth of a BS who was also a rape victim). It is tough. 

If you really want it to work out, you have to do the heavy lifting and make an excePtional effort trying to earn back that trust that has been shattered. Is he without fault? No! But you are the one that had weak boundaries and made the decision to go outside the marriage. You are the one that should begin the process. It is possible if he sees your effort.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Why did you cheat on him?


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

Thank you for your responce.....first I am new to all of this, what is BS?

I have tried to be open with him. I keep a diary everyday of what I do and what I feel, and told him he can read it anytime. I tried leaving him my intentions of what I will do each day and he took the opportunity to write back "Pack". I have not stopped using FB, but the password is known to him and he checks my posts daily. He is welcome to check my email and texts but does not want to.

I have listened to what he has had to say and agree with many things he says about how I have helped to get us to this point and am trying to change in those regards, but he says he thinks it is just an act.

I understand that fault is not helpful and that really it is no one's fault, but both of our responsibility. 

He is a man of action and I am a woman of words, it is hard for each of us to convey love to one another. So understanding this about him and am trying to leave him alone in the word department, no texting no calling, little conversation, BUT I make his coffee (I don't drink coffee) every morning and place a cup beside him, I wash his clothes, and iron (never done that in our entire 9 years of marraige) his shirts, make him dinner every night and provide for his friend who is often here now. I can and will do all this and more if I can come up with more that he will allow, until he closes the door on me and moves out. Unfortunately that may be soon 

He acquired a trailer that is in pretty rough shape and he is tearing it apart to fix up......he told one person to live in "If she wont leave I will stay in there", and told another "Could make a good dollar of this if I fix it up", his best friend told me tonight that we will have fun with it next summer, so maybe he has said that to him he is just putting me through the hell I have caused him???? Man I wish he would talk to ME!!

Some days I think he is just hurting so much and has such a hard time opening up, that he can't talk to me, and other days I am sure he is calculating every move trying to make sure I suffer.

Wow I had alot to say....basically I just need support to keep this all up, cause I am starting to come apart at the seams while he seems to be coming together all of a sudden.


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

bryanp, I don't have an answer that makes any sense. I was feeling un-needed, a friend started to need me more that (as hind sight shows) he should have, and I fell for the feeling. I started spending too much time with him and eventually let him kiss me.....I told my husband about this and he almost seemed not to care. I tried to back away and for a little while did back away from the OM, but then one night ended up at his house via a mutal friend, and it just happened. I am not so sure I was totally uninhibited, but didn't intentionally take or drink anything.

I pulled away greatly from the OM after this and only spoke sparingly and visted with my children as I was trying to keep the friendship and confirm for myself that friendship is all there was there.

I am, as anyone who knows me would tell you, a prude! This whole thing does not fit within the scope of who I am at all. It's almost as though I became someone else for a few weeks and then came to my senses

I hope that answers your question though to my mind there really is no ok reason to do this aweful thing I have done. I can't believe I have hurt the one man I love so dearly.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Do you think you could have been drugged? Have you been tested for STD's? Good luck.


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

It is possible, but I don't know for sure, it was too long after it happened that I realised this possibility.....yes I have been tested for STD's and am clean.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

BS means betrayed spouse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

What was/is wrong with your mge., that you would/could not communicate with your H., prior to straying??

You said there were things you had not done for your H., in the 9 yrs you were married, were they things only you would normally do, in the course of being married, were they things only he would do for himself??

How close were the two of you, as to intimacy, as to helping each other do things around the house, as to care of the kids, as to dealing with problems, did you each handle the problems together, did you each do your fair share of the work??

Why do you feel, you needed to be with another man, what was your H., doing/not doing to drive you to want to even approach someone else for companionship, or whatever it was you were seeking, in all actuality what were you seeking, that you couldn't gain by talking to your H., about the same problem.

I don't remember how long you said you were married, if you are anywhere in the 7 yrs., and beyond range---had your mge., become stale, boring, same old, same old---had the passion, and hot sex gone, to be replaced by ho hum, same thing not so often------Was this some of the reason, you sought another man---what were you seeking, outside your mge??????


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

Communication was/is wrong or rather lacking.....I am a talker and he is not. I say things without thinking them through enough and he does not ask for clarification and thus gets the wrong idea alot.

I had basically become the sole parent, or so it felt....he would not go do things with us when I asked, always blaming his job, when in actual fact he could get off work if needed. I came to a point where I would make all our plans without him and just hope he could/would make it sometimes.

I didn't do much if any of the housework, out of pure laziness really I think, but at the time I told myself it was that I had no time. He did most of the housework on the weekends. We tried councelling last year, but I was unable to speak my mind out of fear, and didn't tell him all I was feeling, but we did discuss the state of the house and the chores and he said he was fine with it the way it was - this was a lie, one of many.

I don't feel we were close at all, he had stopped confiding in me at all, and I felt like I didn't know him.....through all this I have found I know more about him that I had thought. Intimacy had been strained by the fact that intercourse became painful for me 8 years ago, and the doc kept saying it was emotionally linked (I have since realized what was wrong and fixed it myself, not emotional) around the house was a sore spot as he did so much of the housework that the household maintenance got ignored, care of the kids was 90% me, he would get their lunches and sometimes breakfast in the morning and walk them to the school bus, but other than that he didn't do much, until after the EA, we talked one time and I told him the kids missed him so he started being here when they got home from school more, but that was time with them without me, making me feel unwanted and excluded. No I don't think fair share was done at all, but now I see my faults in that area as well as his, where before I think I was too focused on what he was doing wrong.

I don't feel I nIn many respects, your story is not unique. Many bs's have difficulty getting past infidelity. You have at least one thing going for you and that's the fact that you're still under the same roof. With that said, no amount of 'I'm sorrys' are going to do anything to convince your husband not to leave if that's what he wants. He has to see change.

So what do you change? A start would be voluntarily eliminating things that made your infidelity possible. Get off of Facebook, give him open email and cell phone access, maybe even change numbers if you have to. You could call him and account for all your time away from home. There are many things you could do but nothing you say will work. He has suffered something that has been described as more devastating than even a rape (from the mouth of a BS who was also a rape victim). It is tough. 

If you really want it to work out, you have to do the heavy lifting and make an excePtional effort trying to earn back that trust that has been shattered. Is he without fault? No! But you are the one that had weak boundaries and made the decision to go outside the marriage. You are the one that should begin the process. It is possible if he sees your effort.


I don't feel I NEEDED to be with AM, I just was feeling not wanted, inadiquate, and not needed. My kids were becoming more independant, I had been parenting for 11 years and was kinda tired and feeling like I needed to get out. I asked my husband to take me out more and he didn't get it. Then I caught up with an old friend who had had a tragedy in his life and we started hanging out. I was someone to talk to about my marital woes at first, just on the phone and text, then I started visiting, and one night he made advances, I didn't stop him right away and then when I did I left. I told my husband and he didn't even seem to care. Though I know now that he really did, just isn't good at showing it. I pulled away and even told OM we could not talk anymore at one point....then a few weeks later he contacted me again and was very sad and upset, so Stupidly and I guess drawn by the feeling of being needed, I went to him we started talking and texting again, and I even got my husband to join us out one night attempting to reenforce the I am married and we are friends theme...

Since telling my H about this I have cut off all communication with OM, though I don't think that H believes I have. I was definately lonely and from that maybe bored, but not bored with my H, hot sex was a thing of the past, but that was both of our parts. What I was seeking was my marriage, my husband, but better, and didn't intend to look or find it outside my marriage.

The screwy thing is that after the PA, things did get better with H, and we were happy and extremely affectionate with one another, and I felt to continue this way I would have to tell him, in order to keep the honesty......he says now if I had not told him that we would have been better off, and now I wonder, but I cannot undo the telling any more than I can undo the deed.

He is so distant now and I just want him back and NEED him in my life

I read the 180 thing and wondered if that works from the perspective of the offending spouse who's offended spouse doesn't want to work on things, but isn't leaving either?


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

"then one night ended up at his house via a mutal friend"

--ahh,,, good old friends.
The ones the stood in the wedding as maid of honors and best men no less.
Those who took an oath not to just appear there for the day, but to support and honor that marriage from that point on.

My exwife has nothing but friends like this. 
Sad lonely desperate women who have no life outside of their self created, delusional soap opera. Who, when finding out my exwife was being hit on by another man, chose to live vicariously through her passionate drama.
And now have the fking gall, the unmitigated gall, to smile in my face, and pretend they are friends with me too.

I should have chosen that cave to live in.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I'm going to give you my opinion based on what you've posted and what you can do about it. IMHO, you're absolutely going about trying to Reconcile (R) the wrong way.



GodIsWorking said:


> I have not stopped using FB, but the password is known to him and he checks my posts daily. He is welcome to check my email and texts but does not want to.


The fact that he checks your FB daily shows that he doesn't trust you. Most likely you were using FB to keep in contact with your Other Man (OM). First, you need to immediately stop using FB. FB is quite obviously a trigger for him. A trigger can be anything that triggers his memories of your affair. And those are painful memories.



GodIsWorking said:


> I understand that fault is not helpful and that really it is no one's fault, but both of our responsibility.


Wrong. You were both 50% responsible for the state of the marriage before the affair, but you were 100% responsible for the affair itself. You need to accept full responsibility for the affair. You chose to go outside the marriage to another man.



GodIsWorking said:


> I started spending too much time with him and eventually let him kiss me.....I told my husband about this and he almost seemed not to care.


Your husband seemed not to care either because he was in denial, denial that the woman he most loved in this world would betray him like that. Or he trusted you that much. Most likely the former. If you read a lot of the stories here, you will see many BSs in denial, they refuse to believe that their spouse would betray and hurt them like that. Like most Wayward Spouses (WS), you took it as a sign that he didn't care. He cared alright, he cared so much that he refused to believe it.



GodIsWorking said:


> I tried to back away and for a little while did back away from the OM, but then one night ended up at his house via a mutal friend, and it just happened. I am not so sure I was totally uninhibited, but didn't intentionally take or drink anything.


Now, this bothers me. It shows that you are not owning up to the affair. Sorry, you didn't just end up at OM's house, and it "didn't just happen". You wanted it. You wanted to sleep with the OM, otherwise there is no way this could have happened unless he raped you. And you sure as heck weren't raped, were you? You need to stop dodging responsibility for this and own this. If this is the story that you told your betrayed husband, it's no wonder he doesn't trust you.



GodIsWorking said:


> I pulled away greatly from the OM after this and only spoke sparingly and visted with my children as I was trying to keep the friendship and confirm for myself that friendship is all there was there.


After sleeping with OM, you still maintained contact with him. Did you admit this to your husband?



GodIsWorking said:


> Then I caught up with an old friend who had had a tragedy in his life and we started hanging out. I was someone to talk to about my marital woes at first, just on the phone and text, then I started visiting, and one night he made advances, I didn't stop him right away and then when I did I left. I told my husband and he didn't even seem to care. Though I know now that he really did, just isn't good at showing it. I pulled away and even told OM we could not talk anymore at one point....then a few weeks later he contacted me again and was very sad and upset, so Stupidly and I guess drawn by the feeling of being needed, I went to him we started talking and texting again, and I even got my husband to join us out one night attempting to reenforce the I am married and we are friends theme...


Ahh....the old friend, the shoulder to cry on. Discussing the most intimate details of your marriage with another man creates a closeness. That was your first mistake. Never, ever, discuss intimate details to anyone outside your marriage. You should have been discussing this with him.



GodIsWorking said:


> Since telling my H about this I have cut off all communication with OM, though I don't think that H believes I have.


Considering what you've said, I probably wouldn't either. How did you cut off all communication with OM? If you haven't already, you need to send a No Contact Letter to the OM in front of your husband, either by email or registered letter. Let your husband read the letter before sending it. Assure your BH that you will never ever contact this OM ever again, and that he can check on you all he wants to ensure that. You have to show him absolute transparency. Hand over any and all passwords to emails, social networking accounts, anything that he feels that he would be suspicious about. If you don't know, ASK HIM. Be physically accountable for your whereabouts. If you go anywhere without him, tell him where you are, call him when you are there, and call him again on your way home. You need to reassure him and rebuild the trust that you broke.



GodIsWorking said:


> The screwy thing is that after the PA, things did get better with H, and we were happy and extremely affectionate with one another, and I felt to continue this way I would have to tell him, in order to keep the honesty......


This is called Hysterical Bonding,

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity

And as you noticed, it doesn't last.



GodIsWorking said:


> he says now if I had not told him that we would have been better off, and now I wonder, but I cannot undo the telling any more than I can undo the deed.


Because he was in the initial phase of shock and denial. This is the initial phase of Grief. This goes to prove my point that when you first told him OM kissed you, he didn't want to believe it.



GodIsWorking said:


> He is so distant now and I just want him back and NEED him in my life


He is most likely in the ANGER stage of grief. He will be in it for a while. How long it lasts will depend on you.



GodIsWorking said:


> I read the 180 thing and wondered if that works from the perspective of the offending spouse who's offended spouse doesn't want to work on things, but isn't leaving either?


Like many people here, you have this perception that the 180 is a tool for manipulating the other spouse. It's only a tool to help the betrayed spouse gain strength and confidence. You, as the Wayward Spouse (WS) could not use this, it would most definitely end your marriage, and it seems that you're already doing some of it.

You're going about this the wrong way. You say you're giving him space. If I were in his shoes, which I was as a BS, I would see you has cold and unremorseful. It would make me even angrier and want to leave even more. You need to show TRUE REMORSE. You need to accept responsibility and own the affair. 

You need to go all out and engage him. Constantly talk to him. Constantly reassure him, apologize to him. Reassure him during the times that he will trigger, and I guarantee you he will trigger. Be completely transparent. Send that NC letter. Go to mariage counselling if he requests it. Tell him with words AND actions that you're sorry and remorseful about what happened and that it will never happen again.

Because with you giving him space, all it's doing is driving him away.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

GOOD to see you LordMayhem. Hope you are doing well man.

(Agree with above post as well)


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## Hijo (Sep 1, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> You're going about this the wrong way. You say you're giving him space. If I were in his shoes, which I was as a BS, I would see you has cold and unremorseful. It would make me even angrier and want to leave even more. You need to show TRUE REMORSE. You need to accept responsibility and own the affair.
> 
> You need to go all out and engage him. Constantly talk to him. Constantly reassure him, apologize to him. Reassure him during the times that he will trigger, and I guarantee you he will trigger. Be completely transparent. Send that NC letter. Go to mariage counselling if he requests it. Tell him with words AND actions that you're sorry and remorseful about what happened and that it will never happen again.
> 
> Because with you giving him space, all it's doing is driving him away.


I get so beta reading this forum. Freaking tears in my eyes. Thanks LM. You turd! 

Awesome post, as usual.

GiW: Do the steps described above, and I think you might see a change in your husband's attitude.

I am somewhat concerned on his phone/texting though. I think it might just be his external support, and I don't recommend you bringing it up, but I might try and do some verification on your end if I could do so without alerting him.

If he is having an EA/PA in retaliation for yours (not unheard of, hell I've considered it), that certainly isn't conducive to reconciliation.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Hijo said:


> If he is having an EA/PA in retaliation for yours (not unheard of, hell I've considered it), that certainly isn't conducive to reconciliation.


I know. He may be so angry that he might be trying to have a Revenge Affair. I think most of us BSs have considered it at one time or another.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I forgot to add: You need to throw lots and lots of sex at him. If he isn't in the mood, GET him in the mood. Do stuff to turn him on. Because all that *physical intimacy* will help him reconnect to you.


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## Hijo (Sep 1, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> I forgot to add: You need to throw lots and lots of sex at him. If he isn't in the mood, GET him in the mood. Do stuff to turn him on. Because all that *physical intimacy* will help him reconnect to you.


Please speak to my wife and get her in this mindset. Thank you, that is all.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Hijo said:


> Please speak to my wife and get her in this mindset. Thank you, that is all.


Feel free to send my post to her.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> The fact that he checks your FB daily shows that he doesn't trust you. Most likely you were using FB to keep in contact with your Other Man (OM). First, you need to immediately stop using FB. FB is quite obviously a trigger for him. A trigger can be anything that triggers his memories of your affair. And those are painful memories.


Excellent post as always LM, please stop getting banned


I will disagree with a nuance with the above statement however

I say that she should "offer" to close the account to him- the reason being if my wife suddenly just upped and deleted her account I would have gotten paranoid that she deleted it to hide prior evidence and perhaps start a new one that I wasn't aware of.


Just a tweak to what you're saying and I agree with the sentiment and the fact it can be a trigger, etc


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Thanks AR!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I say that she should "offer" to close the account to him- the reason being if my wife suddenly just upped and deleted her account I would have gotten paranoid that she deleted it to hide prior evidence and perhaps start a new one that I wasn't aware of.


It seems to me that an important part of taking these steps is informing your spouse about what you are doing and why. It begins the process of establishing trust and sharing, avoids surprises and demonstrates that you are thinking about them and their needs. It can also serve as an avenue to ask what other things can be done to help the reconcilation process.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

GodIsWorking said:


> Now he has asked me to leave him alone, sleeps on the couch and leaves every night when the kids go to bed only to return sometime between 1 am and 5 am. I want my husband, marriage, and family. I don't really think he knows what he wants, but for sure it isn't me right now. He is constantly texting to a number he claims is a man, but when I call the number I get a woman everytime.


You`ve gotten some great advice but this sounds like he`s having a revenge affair to me.

I`m at a loss as to what you can do about it in your situation but I`d like to hear some of the wisdom from other posters what they think can be done.

If he`s in the midst of a revenge affair he`ll be in is own angry fog and any thing she tries will be for naught ..won`t it?

I dunno.


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

Thank you all for your words.

I do take responsibility for this affair, but his denial is causing me to second guess everything, even my original motives. This all took place in February into early March about 6 weeks from started talking to PA, then I told him end of May, so we have been going through hell since then up and down and all over and his last request to me was that I Leave Him Alone, so I have tried. Any sexual advances I make on him are now being not only ignored but treated as discusting. He will phsycally leave the house. Now he never leaves any opportunity for me to make any advances as he leaves every night once the kids are in bed. and comes back just before they get up. 

I want to make use of your advise, but don't see how going against his wishes will persuade him to anything.


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

Tacoma, what makes you think he is having a revenge affair?


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

LM
Originally Posted by lordmayhem View Post
I forgot to add: You need to throw lots and lots of sex at him. If he isn't in the mood, GET him in the mood. Do stuff to turn him on. Because all that physical intimacy will help him reconnect to you.

I don't know how to turn him on  Sadly that was a part of the original issues, nothing I did seemed to turn him on, I just relaxed him and he fell asleep  Made me feel quite inadequate.

Suggestions?????


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

GodIsWorking said:


> LM
> I don't know how to turn him on  Sadly that was a part of the original issues, nothing I did seemed to turn him on, I just relaxed him and he fell asleep  Made me feel quite inadequate.
> 
> Suggestions?????


Have you had a real heart to heart talk with him about this, or are you just trying to guess what turns him on? Have you ever discussed his fantasies and desires with him?


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

I have tried but when I ask him questions like that he just says I don't know...... And at this point I have a hard time even asking him what he wants for dinner w/o feeling like I am out of line.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I wonder if he's harboring some resentment towards you for some perceived wrong you committed in the past. Women's libidos are not the only ones affected by resentment you know. I think that it might be something you should look into.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

i believe GisWk'g needs to either personally analyze herself, or better yet get professional help to do so effectively, for i read SOME waffling behaviors in 
her words she posts here when "explaining" things.

He may indeed be pursuing an EA/PA of his own; or pissed that he cannot/will not do so; or like GiW'g said, is "getting back" at
her (as in spite, u digg?) for the pain n suffering she has caused
him in upsetting his "little world".

But again, methinks if u get to know yerself better, u can then
understand where U went wrong 1st, Him wrong 2nd, and then
"ah ha!" where BOTH went/are going wrong now, and what to
do planning wise, to overcome this mess u've (both?) made.

i also think this self-awareness phase, albeit with prof help, will
give u the secular strength to carry on, put up with, and over-
ride your self pity, feelings, etc, when He's not "cooperating".

i say secular 'cuz if u were more spiritual (which i dont read
any into yer posts) u'd have alot more answers from a better
source than us "blokes" here at TAM. God the Father, the Son,
and the H>S>

Funny tho', u did/do use GisWk'g as a "moniker", but dont 
write like it.:scratchhead:

shalom.


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

cb45 said:


> i believe GisWk'g needs to either personally analyze herself, or better yet get professional help to do so effectively, for i read SOME waffling behaviors in
> her words she posts here when "explaining" things.




Yes CB45 your correct I do need to personally analyze myself and with help, as you say professional help. And I am, I am seeing both a pastor and a marital counselor that my H and I started seeing , but he stopped because he thinks that if I hadn't asked him to see the councilor we would be ok  



cb45 said:


> He may indeed be pursuing an EA/PA of his own; or pissed that he cannot/will not do so; or like GiW'g said, is "getting back" at
> her (as in spite, u digg?) for the pain n suffering she has caused
> him in upsetting his "little world".




I am less concerned that he is cheating on me than I am that he is causing himself more pain and not able to reconcile all this with God.



cb45 said:


> But again, methinks if u get to know yerself better, u can then
> understand where U went wrong 1st, Him wrong 2nd, and then
> "ah ha!" where BOTH went/are going wrong now, and what to
> do planning wise, to overcome this mess u've (both?) made.




I do agree, and feel I know alot of where I went wrong and with God's help am changing as much of me as I believe I am being led to change. He on the other hand does not believe there is anything that he did/didn't do that caused any trouble at all in our marriage, so that will be a longer road, and I trust one the Lord will take with us.



cb45 said:


> i also think this self-awareness phase, albeit with prof help, will
> give u the secular strength to carry on, put up with, and over-
> ride your self pity, feelings, etc, when He's not "cooperating".




I do not self pity, I fear for the loss for us both.....and yes I am lonely, but believe me most of my sadness is from the pain I have caused him and the doubt I have put in his mind regarding me, himself and our entire relationship.



cb45 said:


> i say secular 'cuz if u were more spiritual (which i dont read
> any into yer posts) u'd have alot more answers from a better
> source than us "blokes" here at TAM. God the Father, the Son,
> and the H>S>




I don't believe you can determine a person's spirituality from posts, forgive me for being blunt, but I read little in your response that is God led. I am aware I have left out my Father in much of what I have posted here and much of that is due to the fact that I am still trying to reconcile myself that fact that I walked away from not only my H, but my faith and feel undeserving of the work I know God is up to.



cb45 said:


> Funny tho', u did/do use GisWk'g as a "moniker", but dont
> write like it.:scratchhead:




My moniker as you call it is a constant reminder to me that though I often fail, and perhaps have moments of pity and anger, that He is working, even when I am not. I will and do continue to grow in my faith and love for the Lord.

Thank you for your post, it is helpful to hear from those who also believe, and to be sharpened in our own faith through the doubts of others. Sometimes it is not the conscious effort to let God's light shine that sets us apart, but the unconscious lack of effort that causes us to shelter it.


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

morituri said:


> I wonder if he's harboring some resentment towards you for some perceived wrong you committed in the past. Women's libidos are not the only ones affected by resentment you know. I think that it might be something you should look into.


You make good sense, and I wish that I could, but we are at the what to have for dinner or have you seen my ____ point right now and I promised I would not push him for more that he can give. 

This has been an over 3 month process right now and through it we have come close enough that we were staying in the same bed and having intimate moments, but each time he pulled away asking for space I went to him after a time and I guess pressured him back into things, and that has not been successful so I am trying to wait for him to come to me......not sure it will work either or that I can hold off since every time I see him I just want to jump him lol, but I am trying to let him set the pace.


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> Excellent post as always LM, please stop getting banned
> 
> 
> I will disagree with a nuance with the above statement however
> ...


AR
I have read much of what you have said in other threads and wonder if you would take another look here.

I read in one post your opinion on R vs D, and some days wonder if I have missed the boat am sitting at the peer......he asked me to leave him alone, stopped communicating with me, moved out of the bedroom onto the couch, leaves most nights around the children's bedtime and does not return until 4 or 5 in the morning.....I am waiting for him to come to me, but am I waiting in vane? Is there something else I should be doing?

In the waiting I am still doing things to show I care without pushing the communication.

I would like to hear your opinion, please.


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> I'm going to give you my opinion based on what you've posted and what you can do about it. IMHO, you're absolutely going about trying to Reconcile (R) the wrong way.
> 
> 
> The fact that he checks your FB daily shows that he doesn't trust you. Most likely you were using FB to keep in contact with your Other Man (OM). First, you need to immediately stop using FB. FB is quite obviously a trigger for him. A trigger can be anything that triggers his memories of your affair. And those are painful memories.
> ...



Thank you for this insight, it makes much more sense than him not caring. Wish I had found this site when I was in the middle of all this  But if wishes were........anyway can't change the past.



lordmayhem said:


> Now, this bothers me. It shows that you are not owning up to the affair. Sorry, you didn't just end up at OM's house, and it "didn't just happen". You wanted it. You wanted to sleep with the OM, otherwise there is no way this could have happened unless he raped you. And you sure as heck weren't raped, were you? You need to stop dodging responsibility for this and own this. If this is the story that you told your betrayed husband, it's no wonder he doesn't trust you.


I did not know we were going to his house until we were almost there, I actually wasn't going to go in and did say no, but no I was not raped, I did eventually give in to his advances and I do own that, but it was not as premeditated as you make it sound. I did this, I made the conscious choice to sleep with him and that I have told my H, but he has not asked for the details and I have not told him more than he has asked for.




lordmayhem said:


> After sleeping with OM, you still maintained contact with him. Did you admit this to your husband?


Yes I did tell him that and that I did because I needed to prove to myself that it was a mistake and not something more.



lordmayhem said:


> Ahh....the old friend, the shoulder to cry on. Discussing the most intimate details of your marriage with another man creates a closeness. That was your first mistake. Never, ever, discuss intimate details to anyone outside your marriage. You should have been discussing this with him.


Yes you are right, but again I cannot change the past, unfortunately  I did try to discuss with my H, but he wouldn`t, not that makes it ok to talk to the OM about it, but it explains a bit of why.



lordmayhem said:


> Considering what you've said, I probably wouldn't either. How did you cut off all communication with OM? If you haven't already, you need to send a No Contact Letter to the OM in front of your husband, either by email or registered letter. Let your husband read the letter before sending it. Assure your BH that you will never ever contact this OM ever again, and that he can check on you all he wants to ensure that. You have to show him absolute transparency. Hand over any and all passwords to emails, social networking accounts, anything that he feels that he would be suspicious about. If you don't know, ASK HIM. Be physically accountable for your whereabouts. If you go anywhere without him, tell him where you are, call him when you are there, and call him again on your way home. You need to reassure him and rebuild the trust that you broke.


I called him and told him that I had told my husband and that we could not talk, text, FB, communicate in any way. I apologized for my part in the mess we had made. He contacted me 2ce more, the last time I didn`t even know who it was at first because I had deleted him out of my phone and everywhere else.....when I realized I stopped texting called a friend and asked them to call him and remind him that we could not communicate at all, that was the last I heard from him. He was concerned for my happiness he said. 

I told my H, when he snarkily make a comment insinuating that I was still in contact that I was not and that I did not want to be either. I told him that I had told OM that we could not communicate any longer. My H has not brought it up again.



lordmayhem said:


> This is called Hysterical Bonding,
> 
> SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity
> 
> ...


I didn`t think the 180 would work for me, but would love to know what TO do, and how to go about helping him.



lordmayhem said:


> You're going about this the wrong way. You say you're giving him space. If I were in his shoes, which I was as a BS, I would see you has cold and unremorseful. It would make me even angrier and want to leave even more. You need to show TRUE REMORSE. You need to accept responsibility and own the affair.


How do I show true remorse, I thought I was......please explain what you think I should be doing



lordmayhem said:


> You need to go all out and engage him. Constantly talk to him. Constantly reassure him, apologize to him. Reassure him during the times that he will trigger, and I guarantee you he will trigger. Be completely transparent. Send that NC letter. Go to mariage counselling if he requests it. Tell him with words AND actions that you're sorry and remorseful about what happened and that it will never happen again.
> 
> Because with you giving him space, all it's doing is driving him away.



You say reasure him, how.......I have told him I am sorry, he doesn`t want to hear it. I go to MC, he does not want to go. I will send him an email with all my email, FB, and Blackberry access and passwords, but he will not check them is my guess. I would offer the NC letter if I had any clue what to say in it, and thought he would want me to. 

The last thing I want to do is drive him away, but he is like no other man I have ever known nor anyone that I know has ever know. I think that the space is the one thing that will bring him back to me, but I could be wrong.

Still looking for the answers, but appreciating the opinions and suggestions.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

GodIsWorking said:


> How do I show true remorse, I thought I was......please explain what you think I should be doing


Are you totally in the left hand column here?










Difference Between Guilt and Remorse | Difference Between | Guilt vs Remorse



GodIsWorking said:


> You say reasure him, how.......I have told him I am sorry, he doesn`t want to hear it. I go to MC, he does not want to go. I will send him an email with all my email, FB, and Blackberry access and passwords, but he will not check them is my guess. I would offer the NC letter if I had any clue what to say in it, and thought he would want me to.
> 
> The last thing I want to do is drive him away, but he is like no other man I have ever known nor anyone that I know has ever know. I think that the space is the one thing that will bring him back to me, but I could be wrong.
> 
> Still looking for the answers, but appreciating the opinions and suggestions.


You've told him sorry, how many times? Because you say you're giving him space, which means to me, that you aren't talking to him much. Tell him everyday if you have to, not just say it, but show it.

At the end of the day, your PA may just be a deal breaker for him, as it is for a lot of people. A PA is a deal breaker for me also, my fWW had an EA, and that is the only reason besides her remorsefulness, that I'm even giving her a shot at R. If she had gone PA, R would not even be on the table. 

If he's in the midst of a revenge affair, then he will not likely respond to any attempts at R. You have to find out. If he is, then perhaps you would be better off with D.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

GodIsWorking said:


> AR
> I have read much of what you have said in other threads and wonder if you would take another look here.
> 
> I read in one post your opinion on R vs D, and some days wonder if I have missed the boat am sitting at the peer......he asked me to leave him alone, stopped communicating with me, moved out of the bedroom onto the couch, leaves most nights around the children's bedtime and does not return until 4 or 5 in the morning.....I am waiting for him to come to me, but am I waiting in vane? Is there something else I should be doing?
> ...



I think the best thing I can do is relay a similar story that I saw a year ago on another forum.



A woman came onto that forum asking for help. She was involved in a 3-4 week emotional affair and her husband found out. She finally snapped out of the fog and wanted to atone and work on the marriage but like your husband, instead of filing for divorce or looking to fight about it he completely disengaged and checked out. (however, I will point he didn't go out til 5 in the morning like your husband, that is particularly troubling to me and may indicate either alcohol abuse or having his own affair)

This woman then went on to learn everything she could about recovery from an affair, why she did it and what she could do to atone for it and how to not let it get swept under the rug. She was relentless in trying to engage her husband and he continually shut her out. This went on for months, day in and day out she carpet bombed her husband with books to read and to talk about how sorry she was and to continually demonstrate how transparent she being. (It was like she doing all of the vigilance a betrayed spouse does but was reporting on herself) it got to the point where most of us on the forums were advising her to just let it go and move on since she obviously had no willing partner.

He started to respond, but in a negative way. He really put her through the ringer and was continually testing her, seeing how far she'd be willing to sacrifice, it almost bordered on abuse. I was truly impressed to the lengths she would go to save the marriage and it was a sight to see how a wayward spouse gained so much sympathy from a group of betrayed spouses.

Finally after close to 7 months post d-day, and just when she was about to reach her breaking point, her husband finally admitted he wanted to attempt a reconciliation.

Think about that time period- seven months 

seven months just to get that point of saying "let's give it a shot"


Sacrifice

That's what you have to do, but do it in the true sense. Don't ever hold that effort of sacrifice over his head or use it get your own way. It's about engaging him to the point of where he can make his choice. (D or R) It's a sacrifice to help him to get to where he's going- why? Because you love him and it's the best thing you can do for him.

are you prepared for the very real possibility he will choose to divorce? I hope you are but as I always say here, hope for the best and prepare for the worst.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Sorry it took so long. I wasn't ignoring you but the notifications are so darn small. Help him with the trailer, if he will allow you. Working side by side may help rekindle the relationship. It shows that even though you don't want him to move into it, you are willing to help him in his project (let him know that). Its going to be parked on your property right? If you can't swing a hammer make him curtains for it. Or seat cushions. If you don't sew, do the clean up for him, daily or when ever he works on it. God created man as a visual creature, so if there is a cute pair short shorts you can wear, and if the opportunity arises......whoopee! I do not believe that this is manipulative as it was Gods original plan. He needs to see actions that he can interpret as you helping him. Just as God intended. My hope for you is that you can bond during that time and when it is finished, God willing he will want to sell it. Do you pray of fellowship together?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Remember Hosea in the bible? Remember how God used Gomer to show him how Israel was playing the harlot with other Gods. And remember how each time Gomer fell, Hosea would look for her until he found her. And when he found her would clean her up and restore her. Ask your husband if he could be Hosea to you, this once. Humble yourself before your husband with tears. He doesn't need to see your strength he needs to see your weakness and contrition. Sometimes a word picture helps us understand the truth in certain situations.


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## Darth Vader (Jan 2, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> I'm going to give you my opinion based on what you've posted and what you can do about it. IMHO, you're absolutely going about trying to Reconcile (R) the wrong way.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I couldn't have said it any better!:iagree:


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Are you totally in the left hand column here?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Have still to read the second part of this, kids keep my busy, but as for the columns, no I have not yet been in the left column fully. I have not offered to be transparent, as you say, this is more due to the fact that he has checked out, he asked me to leave him alone. That is why I have been given him space. If it was my choice I would be with him as much as possible and talk to no one but him and counselors, but he has shut me out. The only thing I can think to do for the transparency at this point is to write him an email with all the details of access to everything I do, but I doubt if he will want it, or see it as a sign of remorse, more a sign of manipulation.




lordmayhem said:


> You've told him sorry, how many times? Because you say you're giving him space, which means to me, that you aren't talking to him much. Tell him everyday if you have to, not just say it, but show it.


I have tried to tell him sorry many times, and will try to do it more now as you have mentioned it it makes sense to do so, but he has told me that he does not believe me.



lordmayhem said:


> At the end of the day, your PA may just be a deal breaker for him, as it is for a lot of people. A PA is a deal breaker for me also, my fWW had an EA, and that is the only reason besides her remorsefulness, that I'm even giving her a shot at R. If she had gone PA, R would not even be on the table.
> 
> If he's in the midst of a revenge affair, then he will not likely respond to any attempts at R. You have to find out. If he is, then perhaps you would be better off with D.


He is indeed going out at night and not returning, but I believe just to get away from me, as I am the greatest trigger for him and he can't stand to see me  I don't really think he is having a PA, maybe an EA and not acknowledging to himself as I wasn't really myself when I was in it, justified to myself that it was just flirtation, man how could I have been so stupid???

He has not filed for divorce, not tried to have me sign separation papers, so I am trying to take these as signs there is still a chance and he just needs time???? Am I being naive? is the door closed and I am just staring at it? I keep praying that the Lord will touch his heart and help him to talk to me.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

GIW, you may want to consider purchasing and reading books on healing after an affair. Books such as *How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful* by Linda J. MacDonald and *How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To* by Janis A. Spring, and reading them together with your husband or by yourself. Leave the books in plain sight so your husband can see them and hopefully become curious enough to pick them up. Another thing you can do is invite him to come here to TAM or any other marriage oriented sites such as Marriage Advocates, etc to receive emotional support from other betrayed spouses.


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

Morituri

Thank you for the suggested titles I am looking them up now. I would be please if he did read them and am reading a few books myself, but am always willing to add to the list.

I am, at the advise of my pastor, reading John, MAtthew, Luke, then Acts in that order.....not sure what or how it will help, but I am trying to take the advise......

The hardest part is that he will not talk to me and wants me to go away.

Thank you all for all your advise and suggestions.


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

Does anyone have an example of an NC letter?

I don't think my H will want anything to do with this idea, but think I should offer.....thoughts?

Also as for being transparent, in that he doesn't want to talk to me, which he said again last night, I have drafted an email detailing all of my online accesses and am going to put a text tracker on my cell that he can access online as well.....does anyone think this a good idea, or do you all think I should wait till he is willing to talk to give it all to him personally????


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I think the best thing I can do is relay a similar story that I saw a year ago on another forum.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Thank you so much for this, it is by far the most motivational thing I have read or heard. It seems no matter who I talk to or where I go, no one is in quite the situation I am.. My pastor is at a loss, my counselor is at a loss, they have never come ac cross a man like mine. I knew he was a man like no other when I married him and I have done the one thing he does not know how to handle. I may have totally destroyed this man, but I hope and pray every day I have not.

I WILL sacrifice, and I WILL find a way, 7 months, or 40 years, I am here and not going anywhere.

Yes I have thought of the idea he may choose D, but I don't want to prepare for it, because I am not willing to accept it as a possibly at this time.

I truly do love him, and know I have not loved him well. He has told me many things he feels I did/do not do that cause trouble in our marriage and I am trying to listen and change what I can.

Matthew 19:26 With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.


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## Darth Vader (Jan 2, 2011)

GodIsWorking said:


> I have tried but when I ask him questions like that he just says I don't know...... And at this point I have a hard time even asking him what he wants for dinner w/o feeling like I am out of line.


If I didn't know any better, I'd say it may be possible that your husband's depressed, has he been evaluated by a Doctor? I suggest he gets to a Doctor, chances are, he's depressed from what's happened!




GodIsWorking said:


> You make good sense, and I wish that I could, but we are at the what to have for dinner or have you seen my ____ point right now and I promised I would not push him for more that he can give.
> 
> This has been an over 3 month process right now and through it we have come close enough that we were staying in the same bed and having intimate moments, but each time he pulled away asking for space I went to him after a time and I guess pressured him back into things, and that has not been successful so I am trying to wait for him to come to me......not sure it will work either or that I can hold off since every time I see him I just want to jump him lol, but I am trying to let him set the pace.


I read something else in another post of yours, he hasn't asked for details about the affair, sex position/s, etc., and you haven't told him yet either. Ok, I want you to read this next part 10 TIMES!

_Anytime you try to initiate sex and he pulls away, realize this, he's probably having Porno Mind Movies of you straddling and Riding your OM, screaming and orgasming wildly as OM shoots into you! Why? Because, he doesn't know what happened, he doesn't know if the sex was better with the OM, if OM was bigger, thicker, was protection used, could you be pregnant with OM's baby? Your husband may feel like he can't compete with the OM sexually!_ I'm serious about this! This is the way Men feel, not alot of Men will tell you these things!


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Get rid of Facebook. Get rid of any messaging services (yahoo ,msn ,etc.) Change your cell #. These are things mine did to make sure there will be no contact. Though we are doing well I still check her hotmail, and I check her phone. Trust is slow in coming and might take years. If you really want him these are things you will do. You have to prove that love him all over again. His heart has been broken, his ego shattered, and his pride stolen. Right now he is wondering if the pain he has to go through to stay is worth it. You have to win him back now.


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

Darth Vader said:


> If I didn't know any better, I'd say it may be possible that your husband's depressed, has he been evaluated by a Doctor? I suggest he gets to a Doctor, chances are, he's depressed from what's happened!


I had made an appointment with the doc, but he didn't go, I have rescheduled it, and talked to doc, but not sure if he will go.



Darth Vader said:


> I read something else in another post of yours, he hasn't asked for details about the affair, sex position/s, etc., and you haven't told him yet either. Ok, I want you to read this next part 10 TIMES!
> 
> _Anytime you try to initiate sex and he pulls away, realize this, he's probably having Porno Mind Movies of you straddling and Riding your OM, screaming and orgasming wildly as OM shoots into you! Why? Because, he doesn't know what happened, he doesn't know if the sex was better with the OM, if OM was bigger, thicker, was protection used, could you be pregnant with OM's baby? Your husband may feel like he can't compete with the OM sexually!_ I'm serious about this! This is the way Men feel, not alot of Men will tell you these things!


Ok, read, and I think understood, BUT how can I help if he doesn't want to talk? And what if he just doesn't want to know?


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

He will talk when he is ready. In those dark days after D-day I would go days with just a grunt or a nod. If I did speak it was just to ask if she had been a wh*re that day. It was a good 5 mos or so before we made any progress. She fought for me hard. Very hard. I did everything I could to push her away, to the point of seeing another woman. She still fought. Fight for him. It won't be easy, it won't be overnight. Fight.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> He will talk when he is ready. In those dark days after D-day I would go days with just a grunt or a nod. If I did speak it was just to ask if she had been a wh*re that day. It was a good 5 mos or so before we made any progress. She fought for me hard. Very hard. I did everything I could to push her away, to the point of seeing another woman. She still fought. Fight for him. It won't be easy, it won't be overnight. Fight.


That's because she knew you were worth fighting for Joe.

GIW is your husband worth fighting for?


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> He will talk when he is ready. In those dark days after D-day I would go days with just a grunt or a nod. If I did speak it was just to ask if she had been a wh*re that day. It was a good 5 mos or so before we made any progress. She fought for me hard. Very hard. I did everything I could to push her away, to the point of seeing another woman. She still fought. Fight for him. It won't be easy, it won't be overnight. Fight.


I am trying, thing is I don't know what is working and what is hurting.  But I am fighting the best I can.


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

morituri said:


> That's because she knew you were worth fighting for Joe.
> 
> GIW is your husband worth fighting for?


I think he is! Man o man do I think he is. I just hope in time he thinks I am.


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> He will talk when he is ready. In those dark days after D-day I would go days with just a grunt or a nod. If I did speak it was just to ask if she had been a wh*re that day. It was a good 5 mos or so before we made any progress. She fought for me hard. Very hard. I did everything I could to push her away, to the point of seeing another woman. She still fought. Fight for him. It won't be easy, it won't be overnight. Fight.


It has been 3 1/2 months and for the first month he tried just being with me, but couldn't help looking at me like I belonged 6 feet under, the second month was back and forth he pulled away to the point of not coming home accept during the day for a week, then I guess the trickle truth I have read about happened in the 3rd month.

I didn't intend for that, I told him about the A, and he didn't ask questions, but said that I shouldn't have told him and it would have been better if I hadn't, so I didn't think that telling him more would be good.

Through a deep conversation about 3 weeks ago he figured out that what he thought was one night was actually 2 and this I think broke him. I only slept with OM once, but I had made out with and admitted to making out with him about 4 weeks prior to sleeping with him. My H assumption that I was unaware of was that the making out had actually been the full blown act and I had just lied about it, but when he realized the truth it tore him apart that I had said sorry and then ended up sleeping with the OM after that. Since then he has been leaving near the kids bedtime most nights and not coming home till early hours next morning.

I totally understand his reaction and hate that I have done this to him and caused him this pain. I pray that he will come back to me and he will talk someday soon.


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

He answered my text yesterday  and then he told me where he was going last night, AND came home before midnight. I was so overwhelmed I just went to bed, afraid to push my luck  Hope I didn't miss an opportunity there.....text him I was happy he was home and went to sleep.

I feel like a shy teenager unsure of what is ok to ask for, what is ok to try to do

Tonight he has gone out again, told the kids in front of me where he is going, but no indication of when/if he will be home.

Just keep praying, just keep praying.


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## Darth Vader (Jan 2, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> He will talk when he is ready. In those dark days after D-day I would go days with just a grunt or a nod. If I did speak it was just to ask if she had been a wh*re that day. It was a good 5 mos or so before we made any progress. She fought for me hard. Very hard. I did everything I could to push her away, to the point of seeing another woman. She still fought. Fight for him. It won't be easy, it won't be overnight. Fight.


Ok, yeah, what he said, He'll talk when he's ready! But expect your husband to hit the anger stage when he does start talking! The only thing I can figure is he's dealing with this by distancing himself from you, perhaps so he's not tempted to hit you!


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I hope it all works out for you and your family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

Darth Vader, you are likely correct. He has never been violent near me, but tells me that he has been in his past and is afraid of what he might do.

I am not afraid of him, and love him, but I am trying to understand his point of view.


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

Pidge ty, I do to

Just hard to be patient, I am a results kinda gal, and know I have to wait on this one, it's hard.

Good thing God Is Working, cause sometimes I don't think I can


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

So confused!!! One night he comes home when I ask, then tells me he doesn't want to talk to me, the next day he is answering my texts (which he hasn't done in weeks) then he goes out last night and doesn't come home, I text every 40 min or so, and he finally comes home, but still not talking to me.

He talks in front of the kids and is quite pleasant to me in front of his friends, but now he is gone out for the night again and still talking to others and not me  I am trying to be patient and am far from done in, but soooooo very confused.

Anyone have any insightful thoughts for me?


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Unfortunately I don't. We are almost a year out and it is been bad again the past few days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

Pidge

I am sorry to hear that.....hope things get back to good soon.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

GIW- Keep praying Sister!

You might want to go get a spiral Notebook - write down why you were wrong and what you'll do to help recover the marriage/relationship with your husband. Show him your plan for keeping HIM safe and protecting the marriage. Give it to him and ask him that anytime he feels triggered or hateful or angry to write it down in the notebook as well as any questions he might need to ask of you about what he's angry about and for him to give it back to you to answer within 24 hrs. 

Be fully truthful GIW, no trickle of truth. Full complete answers, no matter how disgusting or nasty it might be. Sugar coat nothing, gloss over nothing. Make like you are answering Jesus himself, because in all honesty - you are answering Jesus too. 

If he has nothing to write, take it and write something from your day about him. How he is not second choice, how you like what he does for the children to what he smells like and the memories it invokes in you. 

God bless you GIW! Fight for him now- tell him in words and then shut up and show him with actions!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

GodIsWorking said:


> Pidge
> 
> I am sorry to hear that.....hope things get back to good soon.



Thanks for your concern. I do appreciate it. I hope all works out for you....I truly do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

PB Thank you for the suggestions.....I am forever trying to find things to DO, to help.

I never know what "Heavy Lifting" I am expected to do, or what "actions" are the best to show him I do care.

Thanks for your honesty and bluntness. I am a straight forward person and don't do well reading between the lines.

Thanks again


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

GodIsWorking said:


> So confused!!! One night he comes home when I ask, then tells me he doesn't want to talk to me, the next day he is answering my texts (which he hasn't done in weeks) then he goes out last night and doesn't come home, I text every 40 min or so, and he finally comes home, but still not talking to me.
> 
> He talks in front of the kids and is quite pleasant to me in front of his friends, but now he is gone out for the night again and still talking to others and not me  I am trying to be patient and am far from done in, but soooooo very confused.
> 
> Anyone have any insightful thoughts for me?



He's probably trying to come to terms with his inner turmoil. Some days the turmoil is less, other days more.


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

aug, yes, but but but, ok so I have no real good but, accept that I just don't know what to do and when to try and when to give him space

When he comes home after I basically beg him through text I feel like I should accept the effort as is and leave him alone, but then the next day I second guess myself into a frenzy wondering if I was supposed to go to him????

I just don't know what to do that is helping and what to stop doing that is hurting or triggering.......feel really lost


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

Hijo said:


> I get so beta reading this forum. Freaking tears in my eyes. Thanks LM. You turd!
> 
> Awesome post, as usual.
> 
> ...


So many replys and so much to take in I just got back to reading yours tonight. I have a few questions

1 - how would you suggest I go about verifying and what am I verifying?

2 - How do I reassure him when he triggers?

3 - I understand if he is having RA, then it is not conducive to R, but what am I to do about it? He is very PA and I never know how to approach anything with him, least of all the fact that someone else might be making him happy when I couldn't/can't.


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

He left his phone home tonight while he went to the store accidentally and he got a text, it was from her..."you coming over tonight Babe?"

I confronted him when he came home and he said, she is an old friend and a potential possibility for the future. He hasn't been "working" on our marriage for the last month.

Then we started talking details and he had them all backwards, argued with me when I corrected him and said "he is never right" then that the details don't matter, that I couldn't have done this any worse, and that he doesn't want to work on us.....he expects me to move out and leave my kids. I still love him and did everything I could to explain that it is my fault and nothing seems to matter.

I don't want to give up, but what do I do now???? Do I confront her? They have been talking since 2 months before D day. He says she is an old friend, but not who. If she was such a good old friend, why wouldn't his wife of 9 years know her??? Am I fooling myself? Has he been up to something longer than I know? Did he ever love me??? What am I doing?


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

I'm sorry to read about this situation tonight. I was hoping for better news on your situation. 

He is going to regret his actions in time. You do deserve to know the truth about what is going on here.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Sorry. I knew that what was happening because I did the same. Just sounded so familiar.


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> Sorry. I knew that what was happening because I did the same. Just sounded so familiar.


Joe, what do I do now?

I want to call her and confront her?

Did you decide/rationalise in your head that your marriage was over and that was why it was ok to be with OW?

I want to follow him and see if he goes to her, and I want to stay right here, clean the house, do his laundry and make our home a place he wants to be.......what would you have reacted to the best when you were here?


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

Soccerfan73 said:


> I'm sorry to read about this situation tonight. I was hoping for better news on your situation.
> 
> He is going to regret his actions in time. You do deserve to know the truth about what is going on here.


Thank you for your positive outlook, I too was hoping for better, but truely in my gut knew this was there too. Just hoping it would end before I had proof


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

GodIsWorking said:


> Joe, what do I do now?
> 
> I want to call her and confront her?
> 
> ...


This is what happened.... Pidge crushed me. In every sense of the word, I was broken. Got online and found someone who told me what I wanted to hear. 
She told me that I was a good looking man who didn't deserve what had happened. She said everything that I wanted to hear. 
Though I was broken and "seeing" the OW I knew it was fantasy. Pidge begged and pleaded for another chance, I was a self absorbed drunk at the time who threw the EA I was having in her face. I felt entitled. I felt that she needed to know the pain she caused me, a taste of her own medicine if you will.
I sobered up and looked around, if Pidge didn't care for me why is she on her knees every day pleading for us? I told her I would give us a chance. ( I would say after what I did she was giving me one as well) If he comes back to you it won't all be roses.
We still have our moments. Mind movies play out in my head to this day. ( we are a yr out from D-day) 
She fought, she called the OW and gave her hell. Yes it pissed me off but she made it clear to the OW she wasn't going away. Will we be a happy ending? IDK. We take it day by day.


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

I am sooo scared that if I piss him off further I will never get him back.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

GodIsWorking said:


> I am sooo scared that if I piss him off further I will never get him back.


She was too. I told her it was done and I would see other people. She ok just remember I will always be here when you change your mind. After about a mo of that she decided she was going to step it up. She took a big chance, luckily I saw it for what it was. 
A woman who made a horrible mistake was asking me not to throw 16 yrs away like she almost did.


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

Thing is he isn't even hearing me and doesn't remember anything I have said properlyand says I am changing my story.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

GodIsWorking said:


> Thing is he isn't even hearing me and doesn't remember anything I have said properlyand says I am changing my story.


He hears. He chooses not to respond. I did the same. He is now trying to justify what he is doing. 
Look. If you let him do his thing...you lose him. If you keep pushing you might lose him. I would choose might . Really what have you got to lose? If you do nothing he is gone. Go down fighting, Might is better than nothing.


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

so call her?

or what?

what do I do?

I want MIGHT!!!


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

so what do I do?

Call her?

Push him?

I know where he is now, do i go confront him again?

I want might!!!!


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

GodIsWorking said:


> so call her?
> 
> or what?
> 
> ...


Call him 1st. Tell him you know. Tell him you love him anyway and you will do whatever you have to to make this work.


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

We did talk tonight, cause I confronted him about the text I saw and I did tell him I love him, and that I want to make this work, and that we can fix this. He said after all I have done this year and how I have done it he isn't sure he wants to fix this.

He left and went to his buddy's

I got kids to bed (my son is old enough to watch my daughter) and went to my friends

Funny thing is my BF back yard meets up with his BF back yard, so he is less than 150 yard from where I now sit


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## sam83 (Jul 23, 2011)

If only people just think for minutes before going into fu*** affair they'll not face that horrible consequences 

what ur husband doing isn't right but completely understandable I hope u can work things out of this sh**


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

sam83 said:


> If only people just think for minutes before going into fu*** affair they'll not face that horrible consequences
> 
> what ur husband doing isn't right but completely understandable I hope u can work things out of this sh**


While some of what you say is true, how is it helpful? This is supposed to be a place to help people...not bash them when they are down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> While some of what you say is true, how is it helpful? This is supposed to be a place to help people...not bash them when they are down.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep. I agree with that. 

I think she knows what she's done. Now it's a matter of trying to save the marriage if it's possible, and I think she really is trying.


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

Thank you all for your support. I don't know that there is much more I can do. He is with the OW now, and I don't think he will ever truly try to save our marriage.

Worst part for me is knowing that nothing is resolved and he will likely be hurt again  All I truly want is happiness for him, and me if possible.

I am not giving up, just trying to figure out next step.

I took a day to myself to digest this reality and ended up at the local fair with him and the kids at their request, we ended up fighting and though he left, he did come back once we were home at my son's request. He also left in the night and has not come back 

I don't know that he is with her, but there are clothes missing from the closet, and he said he is done, and hasn't been working on this marriage for the last month.

I had self esteem issues before this, now I just don't know how to keep going. If he only knew how badly this hurts me too.


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

work in progress.....long road to go, but he is home!!!! Yay!!! Thank the good Lord for the work He does.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Glad to hear about the positive development in your story! 

How are things going since you last updated? Is the OW out of the picture?


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

I dont know to be honest. He hasn't made contact that I am aware of, but not only will not do a letter of no contact, he refuses to even stop the friendship. 

He did say that she likely wont be around much anymore and when I question that he said she stopped by to tell him she was going for cancer treatment 

I am taking it day by day. I wasn't ready to give up my friendship of 20 years right away either until I realized our marriage could not survive if I tried to keep the friendship with the OM. So I want to give him time to come to that conclusion on his own about OW. They have been friends (secretly for 9 years mind you) for 15 years total. 

I guess that will be the breaking point maybe......if he never does realize, can I really stay???


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

GodIsWorking said:


> I dont know to be honest. He hasn't made contact that I am aware of, but not only will not do a letter of no contact, he refuses to even stop the friendship.
> 
> He did say that she likely wont be around much anymore and when I question that he said she stopped by to tell him she was going for cancer treatment
> 
> ...


Look. What you did was wrong but that doesn't mean you have to stay with a man who wants to have her on the side. He will eventually have to choose. Either he wants to stay and work on the marriage or go his own way.


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

I totally get and agree.

When is eventually? I mean is that up to me? Do I have to set that deadline?

I guess what I am saying is it a matter of what I can handle and for how long before I NEED him to choose?

As much as he said he doesn't want to give up her friendship, I don't think he has had any contact with her. I mean I don't have anyway to know for sure, but I have not seen any signs that he has.

I did tip my hand though, and he knows I was watching before so likely would be more stealthy now if he did choose to contact her.


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