# I think it's happening again :(



## SoSadandConfused (Dec 27, 2010)

Well, I think I am well on my way to a Divorce.
A little past history...
My husband and I have been married now for 13.5 years. He cheated on me for most of 2010. I discovered it, did A LOT of information gathering, followed him, confronted him, etc. He didn't stop right away. Then I contacted the OW (keep your enemies close) and she helped me bust him good on New Years weekend of 2011. At that point I told him I wanted a Divorce, even went so far to tell both of our families, and left with no contact for 2 days. When I came back (we have two kids who needed to go to school), he cried, apologized, said all the right things and finally broke it off for good with the OW. I asked him to go to MC with me but he refused. It took me a good amount of time to get past my behaviors of snooping and learning to trust him again. There were a few inappropriate relationships with females I asked him to stop and he did, though somewhat reluctantly. I won't say that life has been perfect since even without infidelity every relationship has problems. At first he was very helpful around the house, etc. and eventually things went back to the way they were before. I think that the only thing that was different was that in my heart I just didn't love him as much as I used to.
More recent history...
I and my husband are both heavily involved in our children's sports. I noticed what I thought was an inappropriate relationship starting between my husband and another coach. It wasn't anything major - just joking around, talking what seemed was more than necessary, etc. I even told a good friend at one point that I just didn't trust this OW. She told me that she didn't think that I should worry. A couple of months goes by and I start noticing the little signs that are red flags in our relationship... the cell phone is starting to be on silent more often, he wants to take separate cars more often than not, I find the Find My IPhone app has been turned off on his phone, he's starting to watch porn more often, and finally we are beginning to fight more often. In the last couple of weeks the fights are happening about every other night and range from the very stupid to the somewhat stupid (most often about sex).
On Friday...
I get a phone call in the middle of the night from his brother but decide I don't want to answer it. But then I get worried that something happened. So I get up to check his phone and find text messages from his brother about his mom being put in the hospital followed by text messages from the OW. One of the first things I read is from her asking if he enjoys her company. His response is that he likes it more than she thinks. Her response was "Just for the sex or bc I'm just that awesome??!!" I am floored. I had suspicions but hadn't thought it had gone that far. I want to wake him up and confront him right away, but I don't. His mom has been in and out of the hospital for months with liver and kidney failure and I knew that this time was probably the last. He lost his dad at age 20 and now at 36 he is about to lose his mom. 
My dilemma...
It has been a couple of days. I am not sure that I am really in love with him anymore. I think I know this now because I haven't cried once since I read those messages. I actually don't feel much of anything. I still care about him though. I don't want to put him through a divorce while is mother is on her deathbed (she is in hospice now). But then again I don't know how long I can keep on pretending everything is okay. He blames all the fights/issues we've been having on his worry about losing his mother. And I know it is no excuse but I worry about our kids (ages 10 and 7) the effect this will have on them. They really have no idea that we are having problems (at least I don't think they have an idea). I don't want to be a part-time mom. I love my kids more than life and the idea of sharing them and not having them with me kills me. In fact I am tearing up now over this when I haven't teared up over anything else lately. I don't want to reconcile for their sake because I feel like that's what I did last time and look where it's gotten me.
I guess I'm just back to being sad and confused about what my next step should be. I have begun gathering information again. He is deleting her messages from his phone (I know because I can see online what numbers he sends/receives messages from). I added Find My iPhone back on his phone this morning while he was sleeping. And now I'm here writing all this down, hoping I will have a moment of clarity about what to do. Any advice or words of encouragement at this point are welcomed...


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Here is a link that will help you get your life back in order if you can find the strength to follow it. 

Good luck on the rest of your life, you can find someone who deserves you and is not a creep.

The Healing Heart: The 180


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Sorry to hear all this Sosad

However the reality of this is that he's running rings around you and clearly has no intention of giving up this OW and has he's been at this for years now 

It will, I feel, sadly end in one way only. 

Again there's is a really really annoying aspect of this about control and manipulation.

Here are you thinking 'well I cant deal with all this now because of his sadly ill mother'. Thing is you/we tend to say that as if he, perpetrator of all this, does not know about his mother's terrible predicament!. 

The news is he knows about it just as much as you do and is imo relying on your delaying your reaction to his misdemeanors because of it all 

If you are delaying any confrontation out of respect to his mum fine and that's understandable but out of respect to your H - NOO! He does not deserve it

Go straight for the balls, I would


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## *needaunderstand* (Jun 11, 2012)

your problem is you feel bad for him, but he doesnt care about your feelings. he isnt going to change, and if he did he would have went to the MC, but he didnt. you should be happy. its not just his life. Its your life too. and your wasting much of your precious time on someone who is giving their time to someone else. MAKE YOU HAPPY!


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## MrB1542 (Jun 7, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Here is a link that will help you get your life back in order if you can find the strength to follow it.
> 
> Good luck on the rest of your life, you can find someone who deserves you and is not a creep.
> 
> The Healing Heart: The 180


thanks for the link.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Go through the regular steps of gathering hard proof. Put a VAR in the car, install mobile spy on his iphone, and a key logger/monitoring software on all the PCs/laptops. Once you have hard evidence of the affair, expose it to the OW husband/family as well as your own family and his mother. It may be harsh, but having his mother learn the truth is the right thing to do. If she chooses to talk to him about his terrible behavior, he may actually have to face the reality of being a bottom feeding scumbag. As mentioned above, he is perfectly aware of his mothers health, and has absolutely no problem sticking himself into another woman, using his mother to justify and excuse that deplorable behavior. His sense of entitlement is sickening, and you have absolutely no reason to put your needs on the back burner while he fking around on you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Remember this simple fact: HE is the one who chose to end your marriage, NOT YOU.

You didn't do this to your kids he did. You are just the last person to know that he chose to end the marriage and leave his family.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

At this point you get your doks in a row, lawyer up, follow his/her advice, play the different scenarios the divorce might play, save the ''affair'' info so he stop the gaslighting when you confront him and file or if you can use it in the divorce procedings (but don't let it go under your skin).
As you seem pretty much out of love after being burned again taylor the 180 to your adventage, get the spirit out of it (the self improvement- the don't get dragged again in his foolishness nad manipulations), take the high road concerning your MIL passing away, detach and let your true self become the master of your actions.
Plan your future.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

It doesn't sound like he was ever truly remorseful for the first A. Although, given his behaviour after, it doesn't sound like it was his first rodeo either.

He wouldn't agree to MC and he had inappropriate relationships with females, then he resorts to flirting then sleeping with the coach of one of his children's sports teams? I don't think you should be protecting him at all at this point. 

But I certainly understand you wanting to protect your kids. 

So sorry you're dealing with this...Your kids are lucky to have one sane parent.


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## SoSadandConfused (Dec 27, 2010)

Thanks all.
I so much wanted to spend the rest of my life in the "perfect" family. The thought of the affair doesn't want to make me cry, but the thought of having to 'share' my kids time does. I don't ever want them to be away from me. They are my whole life, especially right now. He could have everything else in our lives and I don't think I would care. This is the first time in the weeks since I've become suspicious that I've really cried. 
Last night, or should I say this morning, at 5am he finally came home. He lied about where he was going. My nifty little 'FindMyIphone' app came in handy last night and pinpointed his location - which a friend confirmed with a drive-by.
I wanted to go over there and confront him, but I always second guess myself. He is very good and convincing me that I am wrong and overreacting to something innocent. To the point that I am usually apologizing at the end of the conversation. So, I'm afraid that I'm in the same cycle as last time. Last time it took me months to finally do it. And that was only because I befriended the OW and got her to help me set him up. There was no way he could deny that...
I need the strength and courage to end this. Just haven't found it yet... I think I need some serious counseling of my own... I know rationally that I am making excuses but... Please somebody tell me that I am not the only one who has felt this way


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

Oh, bless you (((())))

You sound a lot like me and so does your experience - take my word for it, there is no innocent explanation for 5am

Find your courage, confront him and throw him out if you can. I promise it gets easier to process this stuff when you have the space to do so. I took too long 

Its hard, damned hard to give up our dreams


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The next time he does this, and you know where he is, could you have a friend take you to get his car and bring it home? He'll come out and find it gone.

Maybe write in chalk in the parking spot - "Car went home, you shouldn't bother"


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## SoSadandConfused (Dec 27, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> The next time he does this, and you know where he is, could you have a friend take you to get his car and bring it home? He'll come out and find it gone.
> 
> Maybe write in chalk in the parking spot - "Car went home, you shouldn't bother"


Thank you for making me smile!!! :lol:
I'll keep that in mind for next time...


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Stop having sex with him. Get yourself tested for STD.

Start separating your financials and assets, and move them into a safe place. You'll need the money for sure.

He's a repeat offender. Start protecting yourself and your kids.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

If you're certain he's out having sex with this woman, either confront him now or start filing now. 

The only thing I would caution you on is regarding your feelings. Don't act on feelings; that's how marriages are desecrated to begin with. Remember that throughout a marriage feelings fluctuate. Sometimes people feel like they're falling out of love, but in reality that is simply a rough spot. When people come through that together the love they experience after that trial is more intense and vivid than what they had even before. Don't be directed by your feelings-- you won't be happy if you are. He was directed by his feelings and it led him to adultery. Instead be directed by what you know to be true. 

But the stipulation here is that he's cheating on you, and it's so very hard to put that trust back together once it's broken. Especially when this is the second time in the marriage that he's done it. 

My heart goes out to you. I really don't understand why people do this kind of thing. I would say that if there's any doubt in your mind to try to get him to go to Marriage Counseling, but by the looks of it he wouldn't really be up for that.

But I would not recommend deceiving him.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

He chose the time and the place. I am in a foul mood tonight and frankly I think he is just crapping on his mother while she is dying. The OW is all over it, giving him comfort in his time of trouble. In my foul mood I would expose it now and to hel* with his family. He is crapping on his mother as she dies.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

SoSadandConfused said:


> I think I need some serious counseling of my own... I know rationally that I am making excuses but... Please somebody tell me that I am not the only one who has felt this way


For a start, you are far from the only one. As you can see YellRose, others and I are in exactly this position. You're finding you are in your own 'fog' right now - cant think straight, anger, cant sleep, cant eat, can't really function on all but the most basic levels - guilt feeling deep down you must have been doing you own "terrible" things to have "made him/her do it" because inside the mind of a cheater (especially a serial cheater) this bit sits and will not move regardless, they simply will not look at themselves 

They have to put it on you no matter how pathetic their reasons and justifications may be. It keeps the huge underlying guilt at bay for them. At the moment you're rationalizing it and then I think will come the anger just when you realize what he's been up to and then sadly you'll find you're getting maybe half of the story too. 




SoSadandConfused said:


> I so much wanted to spend the rest of my life in the "perfect" family.


Yep and some of us did that with our hand on our hearts and meant every word



SoSadandConfused said:


> The thought of the affair doesn't want to make me cry, but the thought of having to 'share' my kids time does. I don't ever want them to be away from me. They are my whole life, especially right now. He could have everything else in our lives and I don't think I would care. ..........


This upsets me the most too I have been the main carer for our kids and have gone from dealing with them 7 days a week to sharing them and the days when they are away are just rotten and the most difficult time



SoSadandConfused said:


> He is very good and convincing me that I am wrong and overreacting to something innocent. To the point that I am usually apologizing at the end of the conversation.


 That's trading on your all encompassing love for them, stringing out every bit of it in the hope that what they are saying you so want to be true and be able to get back to the normality of every day love and marriage.



SoSadandConfused said:


> So, I'm afraid that I'm in the same cycle as last time. Last time it took me months to finally do it. ........
> I need the strength and courage to end this. Just haven't found it yet...


Here's where you have to be brutally honest to yourself. 

I have not taken months to do 

I have taken years and I now realize they have been mostly lying years, years of deceit and her wanting her cake and having it at the expense of my heart and our kids and my anger is partly at myself for being such a fool and soaking it up time and again.

No-one can tell you what to do but I would urge anybody not to waste years and years and then do what they feel they should have done a long time ago.

You will be even more unhappy should you make that decision way way down the line and realize you have been living a complete lie.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

NO games just file divorce!! Protect you and your kids..........not saying he isn't a great dad because I do believe you can be a ****ty husband and great father.

You deserve better............. file!!


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

Its the children isn't is that makes it worse

A lot of your dreams are for them with no1 being carefree childhood and loving supportive family. The cheater rips that possibility away and as the more committed one you search and search for justification and forgiveness and tolerance and whether you can live with things for the sake of your children.

I know I would be OK on my own , well maybe not OK but find it easier to accept and deal

The boys and their faces and their tears and sadness are just ripping me up endlessly. Cheater dad doesn't see that, he is busy making time with them good and fun and they enjoy it because thats what children do. But come bedtime, its mum they are crying to and mum has to explain why dad can't stay

Its sucks to hell and back and weakens you to the point of giving up, it really does


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Listen, you, sosadandconfused and others are not alone. There is a crumb of comfort there. 

And ultimately you have to have self belief and self respect that you are, at your core, a good hearted and loving individual.

I am trying to not let my lying, history rewriting, excuse for a wife not allow me to waver from my core beliefs about myself.

That does mean to say I am perfect and that I am blameless in the collapse of my marriage, (there are some things I would have done differently and better) but I know in my heart I have given my soul in the best possible way and sadly it has been wasted on somebody who wanted that and then more.

I'm beginning to understand that these people can actually never be content.

That belief in me is growing and I'm hanging on to it as I feel it will become a huge factor in my no doubt long and troublesome recovery


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