# An endless cycle of disrespect



## Gemma (Jul 7, 2011)

I'm new to the forum and hoping for some advice. First, a short background on my relationship (when is any marriage easy to sum up?) - when my now-husband and I were dating for just a few months, we found out we were pregnant. So, we decided that since we loved each other and felt it was meant to be we would get married. When we got married, we had been together a total of six months. Presently, we have been married 5 1/2 years and have an-almost-five year old and a two year old. 

My problem is this: we are both in a cycle of being disrespectful to each other and at times verbally abusive. This is not the way I want to parent my children, or be in a marriage. After examining my own behavior, I concluded that when he was disrespectful to me in the past I have retaliated in anger and defense. So neither of us have been acting appropriately. I purchased the book "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship" and found great insight into my own behavior and issues. However, he has maybe cracked one page of the book in 4 months. I have made a conscious effort to change how I interact with him and try to engage in "discussions" without lashing out. I have also made a serious effort to be respectful towards him in front of my babies. 

Here are some instances of disrespect that have happened in just the past COUPLE OF DAYS: he told me to "get off his ass" in front of out-of-town friends visiting when I asked for help with the kids at dinner, going home that night he called me an "a**hole" for turning down the radio in the car. Tonight, he was supposed to be helping while I finish some schoolwork. Instead, I am constantly distracted by his getting frustrated with the kids not going to sleep. When I get the little one some more milk I hand him the bottle and it accidentally drops. His response? A mumbled "f-you". These are issues happening daily over the most minute things! 

I absolutely do not want to live my life this way. He does not get it when I have zero interest in sex anymore. While he is getting all "excited" all I can hear in my head are the hateful things that he has said to me lately. 

I understand that things are stressful - we have two small children, finances are tight, I am a new business owner and also go to school part time. But I feel like I don't have a friend anymore, just someone who can't stand me. We are both smart, nice people and I don't know how things got so bad. It's like one instance by itself isn't so bad (he's not knocking me around the room or anything) but each mean thing he says to me or we say to each other adds up over time. 

How can we fix this? Or what else can I do to help the situation?


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

There's definitely a lack of respect in your relationship and I think that if you fix that you'll be able to deal with other issues much better. Try setting up some "ground rules" of no more personal attacks during an argument. Even if he doesn't abide by it, make sure you do so that he can't come back later and hold it against you. Once you control your own verbal attacks you'll have the upper hand on him and can then demand that he stop verbally attacking you in front of others.


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

There needs to be a cause and effect to his treating you this way, such as you leaving for a few hours to show him his behavior is unacceptable. If you are working on your end he should be working on his. Maybe audio books would be better for him? Or talking it out, or making lists? Everybody works differently, maybe books aren't his style, but he should be willing to do SOMETHING.


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## Gemma (Jul 7, 2011)

You both are very right. I am going to put 100% effort into not engaging in these name calling exchanges. I can't control what he does but I can control what I do. I have thought about leaving before when he says something rude but I always feel like that's ridiculous when it comes down to it. But maybe I should. Most of the time what happens is I'm the one that's upset for hours (interfering with my school work) and then the next morning he acts like nothing happened. Then I feel like I should keep the peace and not bring it up. So you are right, there are no consequences for him. I will have to think up some good ones. Any other suggestions other than leaving for a few hours? Maybe if it happens during the day I can pack up the kids and we can all leave.


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## angbaby (Sep 18, 2013)

How did your situation resolve? Have things been better? I am newly married and we are going thru the same issue. We were together for 2 years, then got an apartment together for 2 years, then got married. We've only been married since June and it is an up and down rollercoaster. We are constantly arguing and so easy to say "whatever". My situation is exactly like yours. How did you make things better?!


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