# My husband says he doesn't feel lust for me...or anyone else for that matter



## Itsokreally (Dec 12, 2015)

Hello all  

To preface, Im 21 years old, my husband is 27. We've been married since March of this year. We were both virgins when
we met a few years ago, he's from a country where people generally wait until marriage to have sex, we didn't wait until
marriage, however we waited a while. Before me he had one semi sexual encounter with a woman, with whom he couldn't
even get it up for. He has some problems with anxiety and depression, he was on anti depressants when we first met 
whitch made it difficult for him to keep it up during sex. We're currently in different countries and have been for a few months, due to family stuff. When we were physically together we had sex every day, sometimes more than once. A few days ago we were talking, and he told me that he didn't lust for me. I asked him how this could be when he made love to me, he said "its probably just love". He then went on with this theory that if he lusted after me, then he'd lust after other women as well (he's always been adamant about only wanting me.) There's nothing wrong with how I look, Im 21 and healthy...though its a bit hard for me not to blame myself for this. He almost made me feel ashamed that I want my husband to lust after my body. He said things like "if a man is lusting after his own wifes body, then he's also most likely lusting after other womens bodies as well". I don't understand how you can make love to your partner without there being sexual desire there. The sex wasn't bad, he kissed my body, made eye contact, ect. ect. I don't think he finds me disgusting, he just doesn't feel lust for me. Is this weird? He also told me he's never really felt lust for anyone. I feel so confused right now. Do I have to sacrifice not being cheated on for a man who doesn't feel any lust for me?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Yes it's weird and if he's telling the truth spells trouble for your marraige. I can understand why you were hurt, of course you would want your husband to lust after you. 

There is nothing wrong with being Asexual and not wanting sex or feeling sexual attraction. There is so etching wrong with marrying someone with a normal sex drive and not telling them how you really feel until after the wedding. He's been dishonest. 

I thnk your first step is getting him to to understand how damaging this could be to the relationship.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Can one truly 'want' what they already possess? Think about your last purchase. Now that you have it you can be happy with it, but do you long for it in the same way as before you had it?

Go read the book "Mating in Captivity". This may be fixable.


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## Itsokreally (Dec 12, 2015)

*LittleDeer* said:


> Yes it's weird and if he's telling the truth spells trouble for your marraige. I can understand why you were hurt, of course you would want your husband to lust after you.
> 
> There is nothing wrong with being Asexual and not wanting sex or feeling sexual attraction. There is so etching wrong with marrying someone with a normal sex drive and not telling them how you really feel until after the wedding. He's been dishonest.
> 
> I thnk your first step is getting him to to understand how damaging this could be to the relationship.



Ive asked him before about whether or not asexuality has ever crossed his mind as a possibility, he told me "I get hard when you're with me, so I know Im not asexual".


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## Itsokreally (Dec 12, 2015)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Can one truly 'want' what they already possess? Think about your last purchase. Now that you have it you can be happy with it, but do you long for it in the same way as before you had it?
> 
> Go read the book "Mating in Captivity". This may be fixable.


Problem is, he's never lusted for me. He admitted that the other day.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Itsokreally said:


> Problem is, he's never lusted for me. He admitted that the other day.



Right. And he had sex with you every day when you were together. When a persons actions don't match their words, believe their actions.

I'll speculate that he's shutting down from the separation.


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## Itsokreally (Dec 12, 2015)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Right. And he had sex with you every day when you were together. When a persons actions don't match their words, believe their actions.
> 
> I'll speculate that he's shutting down from the separation.


Honestly I hope you're right. I was ALWAYS the one initiating though.


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## Itsokreally (Dec 12, 2015)

intheory said:


> No kidding.
> 
> And guess what, even though you are married; from time to time, you are going to "lust" after other guys you find attractive.
> 
> ...


The way he put it was weird, he said he's "extremely attracted to me", but he just doesn't have a strong sexual desire for me. He's always been much more into my face then my body, even though there's nothing wrong with my body. I guess my boobs could be bigger or something.


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## Itsokreally (Dec 12, 2015)

intheory said:


> There's nothing wrong with him being attracted to your pretty face. That's wonderful.
> 
> And your boobs are probably just fine. But you seem, like a lot of women, to feel they should be bigger.
> 
> ...


He's never complained about the size of my boobs, in fact he thinks they're large (they're really not though, I blame that on the lack of experience he's had.) We've had the porn discussion before, he said it really doesn't do much for him. He said when he was a teenager he used to kind of be into it, but now it doesn't really interest him at all. And to be completely honest, I believe it really does nothing for him. Only due to his lack of sexuality though, I mean if he were one of those guys who wanted to have sex non stop, Id be suspicious. He's always been extremely honest, almost to the point where its not exactly a good thing. He would have absolutely no problem telling me if he were really into porn. He said its too fake, even the amateur stuff.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Is it possible that he could be homosexual? I'm not trying to offend, I'm serious. If he has closeted it, it could explain his anxiety and depression.


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## Itsokreally (Dec 12, 2015)

Omego said:


> Is it possible that he could be homosexual? I'm not trying to offend, I'm serious. If he has closeted it, it could explain his anxiety and depression.


I'd be lying if I said it hasn't crossed my mind many times before. Im not sure if its asexuality, homosexuality, or just some weird chemical thing he's got going on in his brain. I know if he were gay he's the kind of person who would deny it to himself, and of course to everyone else. Ive talked to him about asexuality and he told me its not possible for reasons I stated above. Im not sure how to go about figuring out what his problem is. I love him so much, I don't want to leave him, nor do I want anyone else. Not sure what to do at this point.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Could be the separation is doing a psychological thing on him, even though, I would think he would lust even hard from your absence. Unless you're an ugly cow, a normal 27 year old guy with a 21 year old gal, would be lusting like crazy over you.

If he's not lusting after his 21 year bride now, how's he going to be after you've pumped out a couple of kids and are now 35 and not as attractive. This is something you definitely want to get to the bottom of. 
The big things to watch for are heavy porn use, low T, or another woman. You need to go James Bond on his @ss. If the browser history shows no signs of heavy porn use or no signs that he's communicating with another woman on his phone, email, social media, then you need to drag him to the Dr to get his T levels checked. We men don't like the Dr and will try to get out of it. Put your foot down and insist.


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## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

I think that before you guys decide if you have a problem or not it would be good to make sure you are actually on the same page concerning the definition of 'lust' and 'love'.

When I was growing up I was taught that lust was a bad thing and had negative connotations. So if my husband would've asked me if I lusted after him I would've said, "No, of course not!"
It sounds to me that you are asking if he finds you physically/sexually attractive.
Perhaps I'm being too simplistic but since you haven't been married very long and you are separate a lot this could be a huge misunderstanding because it becomes too emotional when you do have a chance to discuss it.
Talk it out and be sure you are both saying the same thing.

My husband and I (married 22 years) have had a few "doozys" in our past where it was based on a huge misunderstanding or difference of perspective.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Can one truly 'want' what they already possess? Think about your last purchase. Now that you have it you can be happy with it, but do you long for it in the same way as before you had it?
> 
> Go read the book "Mating in Captivity". This may be fixable.


I think it is possible. I have been married 24 years and I lust after my wife more than I EVER have, including the first year we slept together.
It's about being creative.
You mention "your last purchase." Cars are notorious in regards to buyers remorse. I figured out a way around this. Buy many cars and drive them sparingly. I have one car I drive every day and some I only drive once a year. I will tell you, even when I have owned a car for 30 years and get sick of it, I park it for awhile and then when I get the urge, I drive it again. It's like a brand new experience every time.

Sex with your long time wife can be the same. Variety is the spice of life. Different places, different positions, escalating kink, etc.
In 24 years I'm just scratching the surface of what my wife and I can do in bed.

Every morning I get up and pray that God give me more and more lust for my wife. It's working.

Yes, I REALLY, REALLY want what I already have and have had for over two decades!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

UMP said:


> I think it is possible. I have been married 24 years and I lust after my wife more than I EVER have, including the first year we slept together.
> It's about being creative.
> You mention "your last purchase." Cars are notorious in regards to buyers remorse. I figured out a way around this. Buy many cars and drive them sparingly. I have one car I drive every day and some I only drive once a year. I will tell you, even when I have owned a car for 30 years and get sick of it, I park it for awhile and then when I get the urge, I drive it again. It's like a brand new experience every time.
> 
> ...


Your example actually hits on one of the points of the book. I think you'd enjoy reading it. She talks about creating a certain amount of distance as part of the solution among other things.


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