# Marriage Goin' Bye-Bye



## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

We will be married sixteen years next week...and it will be our last anniversary...except this one won't be celebrated. Sixteen years ago, we were young, excited about our future.... I proposed at nighttime...right off the Golden Gate Bridge...cold and windy as hell. We had a nice, intimate ceremony in the Napa Valley...and then had a week in Monterrey, L.A., and San Diego/ La Jolla. 
Fast forward to now...just painful. We are talking to a court facilitator first thing in the morning to make sure everything is filled out correctly. Thankfully, this is going along very well...and we aren't going to need to bring in the lawyers. I think this dissolution is going to happen very quickly...I barely feel prepared...like getting on a rollercoaster that scares the **** out of you...too late now. I still don't want this to end...but it is I alone who I have tried to make this work...but she just couldn't get there...and chose to lie and cheat...and sabotage everything. I am looking forward to start over...but there are times that I just feel shaken. Food sickens me...as does the thought of any future relationship. After this is done...and I think it is going to be quick...I intend to travel, reconnect with old friends, make lots of new friends (as you don't have many when your wife can't connect with people long), and just leave it to God to handle the stress of any future romances. I so feel my age today...38...even though I look a good ten years younger, so I know I still have some living to do...it is just so drastically different than what I imagined, getting married under that gazebo in Napa. **** you, Pastor C___ for the great marriage counseling!


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Sorry your hear FS, i'm sorry your marriage is over, or soon will be. I understand your feelings, and I think you should use them for your benefit......anger. Let that anger drive you in other outlets in your life, plus it keeps you from letting them build up. It sounds like you have a plan, cant go wrong with a plan. Need to find lots of outlets to keep that mind busy, and make sure your EATING, nothing will drag you and your mind down faster than your diet. Maybe do a little individual therapy to help with some tools.

I wish you good luck, theres a wonderful person out there waiting to find you.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

It kinda all started avalanching two years ago. It actually was a dream that was the starting point where I knew things were bad. I dreamt I was in a highly decorated house during the holidays, twinkle lights, hunter greens and deep reds...a crowd of guests I heard celebrating in the background. However, I was taking it all in through a camera lens...choosing to capture the fine detail...remarking at what a great job I had done. Behind me, I hear my wife say, "I'm leaving you." I hear this, but I am still looking through my lens at other things.
Two weeks later I am on edge. While things aren't terrific between us...they aren't horrible. We had maybe been in our new apartment for maybe a month. Wife landed her first post-grad job in a new city, empowered by the courts to involuntarily commit people into mental health observation/treatment. She was chosen out of 80 applicants. My wife is extremely gifted...but all on an intuitive level...which made her great as a clinician...had the instincts to know the right questions to ask. The job is the real deal. Nobody holds your hand...and on day 1, a co-worker tells her, "Hey, no one here is your friend. You need to CYA at all times...and do not trust that anyone, even the agency will back you up. You are on your own here...as no one wants to share liability if you screw up or a patient commits suicide. And whatever you do, WHEN you get called in ***'s office, do not cry no matter what. It will be the end of you here." Let's just say it is not an easy transition to our new home. Wife is edgy..already is naturally keyed up...never slept well. Also had been relying on a game (WoW) to be a main distraction for some time...but gave it up for the marriage maybe two months ago then. I hate the game because of all the emotional reactions I see on her face when she plays...but has nothing for me. When she quits, she nearly had a meltdown. I was floored.
Anyway, we are driving on the road from something...and I bring up the dream that I had bouncing around in my head. It really sends my anxiety skyrocketing. She listens quietly. I ask her if she is thinking about leaving. She solemnly swears she would never do that to me. Then as we get almost home, she abruptly asks to play WoW. I am flabbergasted: "Why the hell would you play something that caused me so much pain and was clearly touching on your addiction issues?!" She doesn't have an answer except that she's bored. I can't figure out her deal...and I say no.
Very next day, she is downloading the game back onto her computer. She is really indignant about it. I bring up that same argument, but this time trying to appeal to her senses or something, but no dice. Then I tell her, "Fine, if youwant to play the game, go ahead, but then we need to start having more sex."
"I am divorcing you."
"Whoa...what?"
She insists. I have no leverage. She has the big paying job. I haven't landed one yet. After some talking...she relents to do a trial separation...wants space. Allows me to stay the night...as I already arrange to move in with parents 2.5 hours away.
Wake up next day with another dream. I am in a small room crowded w/ boxes. I get up, picking up my yellow backpack (which I do have in RL) and standing at the door. I look to the left and see a gas station...two large piles like something is buried are blocking access to the pumps. I look right and see a blonde women in uniform facing away from me (wife is brunette)...I feel just absolute perfect peace, like God is present with me. I wake up to this song by Kevin Max running in my head...for which my username is paying homage:

even when it hurts

time to face the road
you've got somewhere to go
there's no turning back
tonight

you're troubled by your shame
and here you must remain
and take it as you should
even when it hurts

you live your life on rent
touching with kid gloves
but you need to hit a nerve
even when it hurts

take another bite
from the masochistic rind
erudite sunrise
its alright

no one is an island
so reach out for someone else
and swallow up your pride
inside

i know you tried for real
but you need some time to heal
in exasperated spurts -
even when it hurts -
and your standing by your former self
and your standing by your former self
just a shadow of what could've been
and you cannot recognize

you wonder if you crawl
could you make it past the wall
can't you hear The Spirit call?
'come unto me'

and everybody doubted
everything about you
but you changed into something
new
you changed into something 
new

even when it hurt
even when it hurt
even when it hurt


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

You said your wife lied and cheated? And sabotage everything? Could you explain?


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

I had dreams that probably were telling of my fate about a month or two before me and my (then) wife parted ways. I kept having dreams that I was living back with my parents and about my family (when we were together, I lived 4 hours away from my immediate family and rarely saw them for the 9 years we were together) I thought this was strange and told my ex about it. She just kind of said that was weird. A little while later, she tells me that she's "fallen out of love with me a little bit" because I have been neglecting her throughout our marriage and it was just all about me. We separate 4 days later and two days after that, she hands me divorce papers. 9 years together gone in the blink of an eye. We never had any serious fights, so I thought things were ok between us. I never imagined that we were on the brink of divorce. Apparently, she "checked out" a year before she said anything to me. 

I'm sorry that you're here but it sounds like you're taking it well. It doesn't sound like you're putting your wife up on a pedestal like many of us do after we've been blindsided with the d-bomb. You also are not blaming yourself (solely) for the disintegration of your marriage. You've got the right mind set for moving on as well. Sounds like you're going to be just fine and that you were not that happy in the marriage, either. Maybe this is for the best. I personally am having a very hard time moving on....getting past the denial stage. These past 2 months have been absolute hell. I have so many questions I want to ask....I just want to prove to my ex wife that I can change and that I'll do whatever it takes to be with her again. None of that matters to her. She's already made up her mind that she's through with me.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

PreRaphaelite said:


> You said your wife lied and cheated? And sabotage everything? Could you explain?


She was expertly hiding porn use, EAs, possibly PAs (can't really get the whole truth of her out about that) our entire marriage. The EAs were of an extreme sexual nature...looking for men to roleplay and dominate her, yet unable to have a sexual relationship with me cos she couldn't act out...and she hated emotional intimacy. Past childhood abuse/ incest...and not having dealt with it...so lived a very promiscuous adolescence and...had a God encounter and wanted to change, thinking marrying me would change everything, but just wasn't as ready as she thought. 

As for the sabotage: When it came to sex, she would blame me and be critical just to stop having sex...many sex sessions would end in argument or disconnected awkwardness. She burned all bridges with friends/family/jobs for years. Binges of food, money spending...resulted in weight gain, debt, and us not enjoying life due to limited budget all the time. Her favorite thing were "do-overs", thinking she could change everything up and walk away from her problems with a clean slate. I have now been added to the list.

Just got back from facilitator appointment. In my state's divorce law, don't need a reason...just a statement of "marriage is irretrievably broken". We have no kids...and aren't contesting anything...no litigation, no mediation. I hate this, but no use in holding her hostage. Wife wants to file today. I sign the papers and she is heading off to file this very minute. Almost too easy after sixteen years. She looks more shellshocked than I right now, but she is committed to doing this. I made one final gesture to say that I believe we can turn this around, that we still have a chance to make a great future together. I came across this beautiful marriage recommitment certificate that I found laying around from a FamilyLife couples event last month...it gave me hope that maybe there was a chance...I tell her have it and that we can try again. No response. It is what it is. I guess I am thankful, that we aren't going at each other's throats. I don't feel the desire to get revenge or make it hard. I just want to release her to the new life she chose, and not spend my remaining decades in combat. Wife invited me to come along with filing, but I politely tell her that although I have been willing to cooperate...it still is not my desire.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

hank_rea said:


> I had dreams...


 Yeah, I take a lot of stock in dreams. It takes some intuitive skill to interpret them..some or more concrete than others. Sad to hear you go through the same thing. Such a powerless feeling.



hank_rea said:


> I'm sorry that you're here but it sounds like you're taking it well. It doesn't sound like you're putting your wife up on a pedestal like many of us do after we've been blindsided with the d-bomb. You also are not blaming yourself (solely) for the disintegration of your marriage. You've got the right mind set for moving on as well. Sounds like you're going to be just fine and that you were not that happy in the marriage, either. Maybe this is for the best. I personally am having a very hard time moving on....getting past the denial stage. These past 2 months have been absolute hell. I have so many questions I want to ask....I just want to prove to my ex wife that I can change and that I'll do whatever it takes to be with her again. None of that matters to her. She's already made up her mind that she's through with me.


 It's just easier for me to accept it now as we have been doing this push/pull thing for the last three years. My story above was about the separation that kicked off for about six months. I moved back in for 4 months...separated for another month...then we finally stayed together for two years...ending into what is happening now. At the inception of it all...I WAS A WRECK. I did everything wrong in the book to try to get her to stay. Best book I read was Love Must Be Tough...I guess a form of it is the 180 they mention a lot here. Yet, the book gets into some of the reasoning of the WS and how to stop dumb fear-reactive behavior and set boundaries. I was an eye opener and it was key to reconciliation...but it didn't address her sex addiction. I KNOW she has her heart on OM who she met online...she is keeping her distance for her "recovery" but I know she has been checking into relocating near where he is. She is making a big girl decision, she is going to have big girl consequences. I am releasing her. I am calm now, but trust me it's because I have been in a place of acceptance for a long time.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Well, the 90 day period is underway. July 30 is court date. And about a mo. after that...it will be done. My STBXW has been in so much denial, that she doesn't even know which end is up or how to process what she has just done. All I am focused on is what I will do from here on out and how I can pay off my portion of the debt ASAP. Good times, good times.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

After the wife forced me out...I drove those 2.5 hours a complete wreck. I fought back panic attacks and had to calm myself down from just having a nervous breakdown. My wife had been very adamant...told me she didn't love me anymore, was ashamed to be around me, doesn't respect me, and couldn't trust me which is why she never wanted to have kids. Because of me.
That dream I had where I felt perfect peace, I wanted that, but it just wasn't happening...I was bouncing between rage and tears. And when I got to my parents I didn't know what to do with myself. I know I needed a job, so I went back to a place that I hadn't worked for 5 years. They took me back immediately (which is why I NEVER burn my bridges)! Still, that wasn't doing much for my marriage. For what I thought was going to last a couple weeks...was looking to be indefinite.
Still, I am an anxious wreck...I can't get it under control, So I go in for some prayer...which some gifted people prayed for me...and one of them remarked "You have betrayal on you." Now all I knew was just a brief EA she had with a dude on WoW...but she swore it was over, that she wasn't going there again. I didn't know anything else. Anyway, I left feeling much better and decide to return for a more intentional prayer session.
It basically starts with me asking God what he wants to do...and the guy who is praying to listen to what he is sensing. The prayer guy would ask God, what do you want to do...and then I would have to answer based on what I thought God could be saying. I drew blanks. But he asked, "Jesus, what you you want to show FormerSelf night now?" And in my head popped a Scripture that I somehow connected with which was Psalms 62:11-12:
One thing God has spoken,
two things I have heard;
that you, O God, are strong,
and that You Lord, are loving. 

We went through a couple things, but then he asked Jesus to show me a time where I was scared...where I felt lonely. And I thought of it immediately, but I didn't know what to say. I just remembered a time when i was a little kid, living in Southern California. It was a hot, windy day...the Santa Ana Winds we know them as. Well it windy...and there was a fire somewhere nearby cos the sky was lit up bright orange and smoke spreading across the sky. My stepfather, a neglectful alcoholic was watching news, and I recall overhearing something about a tornado watch. I remember asking my dad if I heard it correctly...but he usually got very irritated when we interrupted his tv, so he ignored me...but I was worried (cos when I think of tornadoes...I think of some Wizard of Oz ****). "YES!" he said, snapping at me. Man, I started to panic...my mom was late home from work, my sister was out playing...and I just remember being really scared with so one to console me or protect me...all I could do was go outside and see the fire-red sky blow around the hot wind. Nothing happened of course, but that was the day where I felt like I had no one in my family to count on.
Anyway, I felt stupid bringing it up, but we just ran with it. And then eventually it came to: "Jesus, could you show FormerSelf where you were at that time?" And I reluctantly said what I thought I envisioned...and that was Jesus being like a giant, holding back the fiery clouds, but at the same time I also saw Him kneeling to console me as I was crying on the sidewalk. And then we asked what He was wanting to show me through this...and then it hit me like a ton of bricks...I said, holding back tears, "That He is both strong...and loving" completely echoing that scripture that popped in my head. I never had anxiety attacks ever since...and this was something I lived with nearly all my life. It was at that point, that no matter what happened between me and mt wife...everything was going to be okay. I have to remind myself of that three years later...as my marriage is ending for good.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

The discovery.

Weeks into our separation...wife is being a jerk. Not wanting to work on things at all...so I don't call, but then she baits me I when back away only to then insult me. I am getting upset..and I just really start to wonder what she is doing. As I dealing with bills, I check phone usage online and I see a number from an area code that I know (cos we lived there once) in N. Cali. I also know that her "brief" online affair was with a guy from that area. I call the number...and its the guy...his voice is is echoeing like he is in a bathroom stall. He says they are just friends...and says he admits that they were inappropriate before but it has ended...and since she alone, she doesn't have anyone to talk to. I tell him to back away, to handle his own family affairs...and how would he like it of his wife knew. "No, she already knows..." Bull****!! Anyway, he tries to come off pastoral or paternal...saying that he knows she loves me but just is missing something blah blah blah. I tell him he needs to do the honorable thing...especially since he is in a school for ministry. Says he is studying new testament language blah blah blah. Stupid ***** doesn't know I've studied Koine Greek and ancient Hebrew under some of the best minds in Theology. He agrees, but I can tell, his pride wants him to not back down. I then call my wife...and she admits to it...but actually says no, they haven't been just friends...they talk on the phone...e-mail at work...constantly. So she starts getting in a hissy because it sounds like he threw her under the bus a little...and at that point I can tell she isn't ready to give it up. I had already been studying up on Love Must Be Tough and on codependency to know it was time to draw the line in the sand...that for as long as she kept this up...as long as she gamed...and if she didn't get help for what looked like sex addiction...then there would be nothing more to talk about. This was the first time that I realized that my wife had been lying to me for years...and that hurt more than the affairs.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

It took a while for my wife to absorb that she might be a sex addict. She had it so compartmentalized, lived the lie for so long, just had been in denial for years that it never dawned on her that she was being an addict. It made sense as to why she never remembered small details or past meaningful conversations. Of course that immediately altered my view point of what my behavior was too...and that was a codependent.
But one of the biggest things that restored my confidence for not just feeling like a loser who lost his wife to some EA on a flippin' videogame, is a book I read Your Sexually Addicted Spouse...which really validated the traumatic feelings that we receive when our spouse cheats...it is real, valid pain...and it's not all just codependency. They have some similar symptoms...so it really encouraged me that I didn't have to fully get in the "YOU'RE BEING CODEPENDENT!" camp...but realize trauma takes a while to recover...you are shaky and messed up for a while...and you are trying to find safety, so whenever your spouse does something that tests that safety, you're gonna react. This is why it is important to have a safe place to talk with someone.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I suppose I'm still angry and want to still see what she is up to, but it is all loss now. Hurts when I find out how she saddled with some d-bag, talks about me and her relationship and tries to make infidelity sound all adult and civil. It's not, it's immature, sneaky.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Definitely in a much better place lately. This site has helped me gain some perspective to help let go. Inserting something I wrote in another thread...but I think my paradigm was altered in a big way today:



> Well today was week two in going back to church. The sermon hit me square in the face cos it was about being single/alone...and dealing with a divorce it was obviously very pertinent.
> The pastor spoke on how Paul claims his preference to be single in order to serve God better...he sees it as a gift...not having to worry about responsibilities we have when we have a spouse...yet if we can serve God better with a spouse, then that id a gift too. Yet the sermon was really addressing lonliness...and how it can negatively affect us when we view being alone as a reflection of our personal worth. Being alone is painful...we slip into despondency and often push others away from us...as well as self-medicate to ease the pain. He also mentioned how easy it is to avoid church relationships cos of past hurts...but we are closing a piece of ourselves to God and relationships when we start shutting down to protect ourselves. He then challenged us to see alone-ness in a separate light...to see it as a great opportunity to see God in a more intimate fashion, where we isolate ourselves seeking him in prayer...showing several examples of God revealing Himself to others in their alone time, giving them visions, a new direction, and a restored connection to Him. He also challenged us to not close our hearts...to negatively isolate for self-protection...as well as to avoid at all costs ways to self-medicate. It was really uplifting to me...that for this time in my aloneness...I am not alone...that my Father is with me at all times...and that I can have great expectations of good things to come. Thought I'd share that.


I realize I am getting over the OFFENSE of my wife's actions...and beginning to let this go. She doesn't owe me anything anymore...nor do I. I don't have to live in shame of what I had failed to do...and I refuse to purposely hold an offense against my wife. She is choosing her path, and it hurts a lot...feels a lot like rejection...but today I learned that does not diminish my worth in God's eyes...nor does it diminish hers. While I am not ready to move on with another relationship, I for a few days have been deeply anxious about being alone, scared that I will only attract unhealthy relationships...and now...I feel at peace. My priorities are different. I have the whole world in front of me. I am just going to continue to release and let go of all the hurt, garbage, bitterness, and shame...and then just take in love, invite wholeness, and stare down fears of rejection.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Update: In another thread about revenge cheating someone quoted a Chinese proverb about if you plan on enacting revenge, then be sure to have two graves ready. It made me think about my dream I wrote in a previous post on this thread...as I have never fully interpreted it.
Since the two grave like piles were on left side in my dream (and in ancient symbolism, LEFT represents our sinful side/nature)...it could mean that responding poorly to the situation could result in loss or spiritual death...not just for my STBXF...but also for me. Why would I want to rob myself of blessing by acting on my pain??
On the right side (which represents our good side/nature) was the blonde woman facing away). Could mean God has someone in my future, or could represent future blessing (I know there is much in ancient symbolism regarding blonde females in mythology...read Iron John by Robert Bly).
Look, I don't want to go through life expecting I DESERVE reward for following my conscience in the best way that I could...hell, I know I get ZERO medals for this codependent cycle that I have been in...or as the late Brennan Manning would put...I have been living the life of an imposter.
I STILL DON"T KNOW WHO I AM. And no feel good dream or sermon will alter that unless I dig deep and do the hard work. First, yes, staying true to my personal integrity...but also facing severe challenges of facing being alone and connecting with passion that isn't a fake role...but comes from a personal authenticity. THAT'S HARD..and for as long as I don't face this...then the blonde woman (whatever she represents) will never turn my way.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Sounds like your in a better place FS. Keep working on you of course, cause after all, its all you can do. It gets better/easier with time, but its something that will never quite go away.

Keep chiming in, keep plugging away.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Two days ago, my wife approaches me crying, asking for help for addiction and wants to reconcile the marriage.

I feel like a car barreling ahead in momentum that has suddenly been thrown in reverse. And while her attempt to reach out to me is something I prayed for and waited to welcome her back with open arms many times before...now, this time,all I feel is anger and conflict. I was SO convinced that this was done...that I had accepted a stark reality that this was ending...and so now here we are, setting appointments for her individual counseling and for marital counseling. I have not been holding back my feelings of skepticism concerning this...but I know she hit rock bottom...and DOES need help...which I am willing to support her as SHE initiates her recovery. AS for the marriage...I am willing to talk to someone either to help guide us through a healthy reconciliation or a healthy divorce. Exhausting....

Called the OM...of course, he was blindsided too, convinced that she was divorcing and going to run off with him. Sadly, he is a single, isolated fellow who comes from a poverty background, having nothing to lose, having no family or wife to inform. It sounds like, however, that he will respect our boundaries...but hell, she's restarted her flings even after I have confronted OMen in the past. Familiar ground being tread....the difference is that she is actually going to follow through with counseling...and that I don't give a ****. I hate being like this...but I can't ignore myself any more...all of tis has broken me just as it has broken her. What I DO KNOW is that if she relapses again, she is going to have a mental break...she had gone too far. Even she had said, that she just momentarily lost her ability to compartmentalize her acting out and just was freaked out...seeing how far down she had gone, and seeing that she was becoming someone different...and that she was dooming herself to a life of depravity and darkness...and she knew she wasn't going to survive. She felt like it was her soul making a gasp for its last breath. Now, she says, that she can feel that something is broken within her...can't peg it down...that something is wrong with her from her last season of relapse. I know she will either end up lost forever or will kill herself if she falters again...the consequences of living an impostor life...I do want to help her get on right track...but unless God steps in and performs some miracle...I just don't see how WE will be reconciled to ever be happily married. So I am happy that she is getting help...but that's about it. The rest is me just being willing to see if anything is salvageable. Many prayers are asked for....


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I'm not sure whether to congratulate you on a possible R, or congratulate you on moving on. Which ever you choose, I wish you luck in your journey. Its got to be absolutely weighing on your mind. But the choice is yours now, what a nice feeling it must be to have a "decision" to make for yourself, and not have it feel like its out of your control.

Throwing all my good karma your way!!!


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Thanks Thumper!

I am a mess of emotion right now. Part of me wants to reconcile, the other part of me fears being held hostage. What would hold you down, you, casual readers, may ask? My values, my deepest core that holds me to my marriage vows, my commitment I made...and I do not take them lightly. But she broke the vows, wouldn't that in effect, release you from yours? I agree, and even my wife concedes, that I could walk away and not be socially chastised...or even biblically, I have license to vacate this marriage. It just seems like I am held down to the faith that things can change for the better, and dammit, I want to be a victor, not a retreater!

So what am I doing differently to get different results, as there seems to be a pattern here? I am letting her do her work...in the past, I was so afraid of losing everything, that I just stepped in and did all the work to make it happen, while my wife continued to not invest any energy...basically living the life of a "dry drunk". Meaning that although the acting out had stopped, life was just colorless and flavorless due to that fact that she only lived with the emptiness of not having her addiction...not really pursuing new avenues or possibilities...she just lived with an empty sex-addiction sized hole inside her.

Sex addiction? Is that so bad? One would not think so...especially in this porn/fantasy informed world...filled with wanton nymphomaniacs...and tales of marriages being "improved" with the quantity and quality of explorative sex. It's not like that at all...sex addicts use sex to regulate their moods, like others rely on booze, drugs, etc. There is no intimacy in this sex...and in a marriage where intimacy is core, there is no attachment taking place...and the sex addict cannot rely on his/her partner to provide the "high" that they pursue...because intimacy is the ultimate buzzkill. My wife couldn't deal with her emotions, used other to help her "check out" in her mind...and then grew more and more dissatisfied of her confining marriage that was keeping her from living in the liberty of acting out sex.

Anyway...she bottomed out just a few days ago...had her eyes "opened"...and want to work it out as I have said. My values are in working it out...but my emotions want me to get out while I still can. So best I can do is be bluntly honest with her about where I am at...even if it causes her some destabilization...'cos I can't have a wife who can't handle reality anymore. And SHE NEEDS TO KNOW the full gravity of her self-destruction...how it has obliterated everything. She has been crying and asking for forgiveness a lot, but she is also feeling just a potent slap of inadequacy and the emotional absence of the OM. So she at least has been honest with me about this, too.

So exhausted from all of this....


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

OP: Ok so her world is falling apart, and what is she doing? Latching onto the easiest life-preserver she can--you. 

My advice? Do NOT try to reconcile with this woman, but I think you already know that yourself, it's just that your emotions are getting the better of you. The chances of a real R are very slim here. 

Considering what your wife has done, the chances of her just changing all her feeling, inclinations and obsessions overnight is zero to none. 

She needs help, and you are not the one to be her savior. She has to face up to her own demons.

Be very, very careful OP.

And like she admitted to you, her desperation is mostly because the OM has abandoned her, not because she's suddenly "had her eyes opened." She is in no way ready for the effort it would take from her to R. Don't fall into a trap.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I certainly understand your commitment thoughts about wanting to R. Those vows mean something, at least to some of us.

But a "few days" isn't enough to make an informed decision. Theres regret but is it real remorse? I'd certainly be feeling like the plan B this early in the game. Until she shows she gonna really WORK at it, I think you might need to certainly be careful, and you know that.

Tread lightly my friend, please be careful, and know i'd support either decision your going to make. I hope you get what you truly want out of this.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

FormerSelf,

You're a superb gifted writer.

Was there ever a time when there was physical passion between the two of you?


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I started a huge response to reply to you all...but then computer blanked out...and I just don't feel like retyping it all again.

Summary: I am being keenly observant with wife's motives for her sudden turnaround. And for clarification, she came to me and confessed everything and initiated in my presence that call to the OM to end it. He was stunned. She also had been the one to initiate the counseling appointments....we have on one on Monday...and another on Wednesday (one who specializes in infidelity). I have not hidden my ambivalence...just as she has not hidden her inner struggle with OM withdrawals...and the shame/inadequacy that seems to fuel her impulse to bolt. We are on very shaky ground her...and the membrane that separates sobriety and acting out is very thin.
In the past, I made it out to be my job to do the work for her. Now I am not. In fact I have been very cold to her emotional highs/lows right now, when in the past I would generally fold and let her back in, throwing caution to the wind.
And yes, I am particularly looking around for signs as to if she had just bottomed out and is just relying on me as the safe Plan B...just because she "saw the light" concerning OM. She said the sex roleplays were great...and that she was hooked to the excitement and adventure that it made her feel. What disgusts me more than anything is that she confessed her sex addiction to this guy...and all he did was monopolize on it...constantly triggering her so he could get his hooks in.
And yeah, there was physical attraction between us...and for some season it seemed like we were going at it like rabbits. I guess my first clue, that sex/intimacy was an issue for her, was that on our wedding night she just got so freaked out and overwhelmed for some inexplicable reason that we didn't even consummate. I suppose that set the stage...and soon sex between us was awkward, difficult, often ended in frustration...mostly where she blamed me or tried to sabotage it until I just gave up...about two years into our marriage...she finally confessed her childhood abuse. So I waited until she was ready...but already she had sought EA online partners to act out with. On the other hand, her shame about her body was so acute, that her weight ballooned...getting to the point that I DID NOT feel attracted to her, and I just grew more and more resentful...and it came out in very passive aggressive ways...as I did a lousy job of confronting her on her behaviors. And no, I'm not talking about 20 lbs or so...I'm not a picky bastard who expects his wife to look like a supermodel...I'm talking like 100lbs. It got to the point that I was embarrassed to be with her in public. She fought to lose the weight, but she was motivated to act out physically...not to share with me. Okay, now I'm venting, and losing train of thought....
I am still on the fence. I am interested what the counselors have to say. I would love for my wife to be sober...and if that helps us to be compatible, great. But if I deem it better for us to separate for our health, then I will make it happen. I really don't have anything more to give other than my consent to look at possibilities.

Thank you all for your advice...I am taking it all very seriously.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Nobody will b.s. you here.

This is a long rocky road.

And, you may not be certain it's what you want.

But, I do want to ask you one thing.

Is it possible that this feeling of going "all in" merely is the codependent part of you that she despises?

I say that because I've experienced something similar.

My wife says she "misses" the long emails and other methods I had for being "all in"

Yet, I don't listen to what she says.

I watch what she does.

And, it finally feels like she loves me.

So, we're going to stay like this for the forseeable future.


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## jay_gatsby (Jun 4, 2013)

FormerSelf said:


> I started a huge response to reply to you all...but then computer blanked out...and I just don't feel like retyping it all again.
> 
> Summary: I am being keenly observant with wife's motives for her sudden turnaround. And for clarification, she came to me and confessed everything and initiated in my presence that call to the OM to end it. He was stunned. She also had been the one to initiate the counseling appointments....we have on one on Monday...and another on Wednesday (one who specializes in infidelity). I have not hidden my ambivalence...just as she has not hidden her inner struggle with OM withdrawals...and the shame/inadequacy that seems to fuel her impulse to bolt. We are on very shaky ground her...and the membrane that separates sobriety and acting out is very thin.
> In the past, I made it out to be my job to do the work for her. Now I am not. In fact I have been very cold to her emotional highs/lows right now, when in the past I would generally fold and let her back in, throwing caution to the wind.
> ...


FS, do you love your wife? Do you want to salvage what you have and make it work bc you love her? I am having a hard time understanding what your feelings are towards her.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

jay_gatsby said:


> FS, do you love your wife? Do you want to salvage what you have and make it work bc you love her? I am having a hard time understanding what your feelings are towards her.


I think he is too.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

FormerSelf, I also was married -- 15 years in my case -- to a woman who had been sexually abused as a child (by her own father). As with your W, my exW had a history of putting on weight to keep herself safe from men. Before our marriage, however, she had lost a lot of weight and looked great. The day after our wedding, however, she started eating freely and gained 80 pounds within a year. 

As with your W, my exW had great difficulty in sustaining attachments. Although she craved intimacy, she could not handle it when she got it because it made her feel like she was engulfed by my personality. This inability was evident not only in our marriage but in her inability to sustain any close long-term friendships. Significantly, my exW suffers from BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I therefore suggest that you take a look at the following 18 traits to see if most sound very familiar:

1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;
4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude and a double standard;
5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells;
6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;
7. Low self esteem;
8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;
9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;
10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);
12. Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated her well;
13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;
16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);
17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence.

If most of those traits do not sound familiar, FormerSelf, please ignore the list. If most do sound familiar, however, I suggest you read more about BPD traits to see if they are pertinent. I caution that, if your W really does exhibit a lifetime pattern of strong BPD traits, they would not have started appearing in the last two years of your 16 year marriage. Rather, the symptoms likely would have started right after the wedding, if not before. They would not lie dorman for years at a time.

If you would like to read more about BPD traits, an easy place to start is my post giving a more detailed description of them. It is located at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, FormerSelf.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Well, just to clarify, I DO love my wife...but presently in terms of a an unconditional love...that I hope and desire the best for her...that I do not want to hold anything over her head and desire that she can attain the best for herself. As for romantic love...this is definitely in question. WE both discussed today how much within the last two months we had been completely of the mindset of going own separate ways...that it is very hard to reconcile this fact. Presently, she has been working through a lot to bring herself to attention of how horrible, demanding and abusive towards me she has been and has been crying and saying sorry a lot for it...but at the same time, she is seeming to adopt the same attitude to be very accepting of where things are at...and working with a counselor to help guide us to see if we have anything to salvage to act as a foundation to restore the marriage...or just start over.

I am hopeful that she may finally be getting to the place to get her addiction under control...but I just do not know the answer of what this means for my marriage.

As for a personality disorder...I had once considered that she could be borderline, especially after seeing Girl, Interrupted once. And SHE DOES seem to fit a majority of the behavioral symptoms...yet her past IC sessions show that she is PTSD...and I think her negative behaviors are a result of her extreme survival/attachment disorder issues...but BPD may be worth mentioning to the counselor. 

Thanks for all the support and questions. I think we are in a good place to begin to soberly review our options without holding each other hostage...and that is all I desire for the time being.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

FS,

You do realize that PTSD is a huge roadblock.

If she has PTSD, she will be resistant to taking any responsibility for her part, because her emotional centers will scream out... "NO". we'll be punished if we accept the blame.

it's a huge hurdle.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

FormerSelf said:


> SHE DOES seem to fit a majority of the behavioral symptoms...yet her past IC sessions show that she is PTSD.


FormerSelf, please keep in mind that HER therapist is not your friend. Relying on her _therapist_ for candid advice during the marriage would be as foolish as relying on her _attorney_ for advice during the divorce. It is important that you see an IC (ideally, a psychologist or psychiatrist) who has NOT treated or seen your W. In that way, you will be assured that he is ethically bound to protect YOUR best interests, not hers.

It is well known -- both inside and outside the psychiatric community -- that therapists generally are loath to tell a BPDer (much less tell her spouse) the name of her disorder. That information is routinely withheld for the protection of the BPDer. One reason is that insurance companies typically refuse to cover treatments for BPD but they will cover "clinical disorders" like PTSD, anxiety, depression, and bipolar disorder. 

It therefore is common for a therapist to list one of the comorbid (i.e., co-occurring) disorders like PTSD on the diagnosis and not mention the BPD. This is why, if you conclude that your W exhibits strong symptoms of BPD, it is prudent to obtain a professional opinion from a psychologist who is ethically bound to protect your best interests.

There are several other reasons why BPD information is routinely withheld from high functioning BPDers. If you are interested, I discuss them in my post at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-official-im-getting-divorced.html#post811909.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Uptown said:


> FormerSelf, please keep in mind that HER therapist is not your friend. Relying on her _therapist_ for candid advice during the marriage would be as foolish as relying on her _attorney_ for advice during the divorce. It is important that you see an IC (ideally, a psychologist or psychiatrist) who has NOT treated or seen your W. In that way, you will be assured that he is ethically bound to protect YOUR best interests, not hers.
> 
> It is well known -- both inside and outside the psychiatric community -- that therapists generally are loath to tell a BPDer (much less tell her spouse) the name of her disorder. That information is routinely withheld for the protection of the BPDer. One reason is that insurance companies typically refuse to cover treatments for BPD but they will cover "clinical disorders" like PTSD, anxiety, depression, and bipolar disorder.
> 
> ...


This place is like a one-stop truth shop.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Uptown said:


> FormerSelf, please keep in mind that HER therapist is not your friend. Relying on her _therapist_ for candid advice during the marriage would be as foolish as relying on her _attorney_ for advice during the divorce. It is important that you see an IC (ideally, a psychologist or psychiatrist) who has NOT treated or seen your W. In that way, you will be assured that he is ethically bound to protect YOUR best interests, not hers.
> 
> It is well known -- both inside and outside the psychiatric community -- that therapists generally are loath to tell a BPDer (much less tell her spouse) the name of her disorder. That information is routinely withheld for the protection of the BPDer. One reason is that insurance companies typically refuse to cover treatments for BPD but they will cover "clinical disorders" like PTSD, anxiety, depression, and bipolar disorder.
> 
> ...


That's good to know...but I really doubt that she is borderline. We are starting a new counselor together tomorrow, so I may explore that area...but I have known borderlines, and my wife who is a mental health professional, has frequently described (maintaining HIPAA laws of course) the challenges of working with BPDs...and she is not like that at all. 

But as for PTSD...we had been going at this for twelve years before she was even professionally diagnosed. It is a hurdle...and the times that she attempted to work through her past...her safety issues just immobilized her ability to progress any further...and she had to act out to bury it again. She has always been safety seeking and hypervigilant...and social situations just run her down...as does the workday. Acting out has been her ONE THING to cope.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Yesterday, I think we scared the **** out of our new marriage counselor. Probably going to go with a new one. He was being overly nice and beat around the bush...but I saw his degree from an evangelical Christian college and my heart sank. NOT bashing on evangelicals, but this guy seemed like such a friendly, nice-guy, family-man, I don't think he even had a frame of reference for what we told him...haha. He opened just way too passively...and it just irritated the hell out of me...and I just had to force the direction of the conversation...to get the ball rolling. Basically told him we were in the process of divorce, wife very recently had a moment of doubt in her plans, we need to know what is there that is salvageable....we were referred to him through a service...and we asked fro a guy who specialized in infidelity. Anyway, we tagteamed him and dropped the bomb about her lifestyle...and I think it blew him away and he really needed to gather his wits. The only thing that I could credit him for was that he was easy to talk to.
Wife is really struggling. She has been very honest about her overwhelming desire to act out...and has to constantly contend with the fog mindset. She saw a guy independently...the one who helped me deal with my anxiety...and it seems like she may make return visits. We had planned a couple of days away somewhere starting today, mainly cos she asked that I could accompany her to a work-related conference so that she isn't acting out at the hotel...and that we could have a real isolated time to talk. But in the long run, she decided she valued going to her sex addiction group more...and just knows the conference will only trigger her safety issues, leading to acting out. 
She says she isn't entirely sure what it is that is holding her away from acting out presently...except that it seemed to be the self-preservation impulse that shook her awake enough to ask for help. We have been talking about the OM...sounds like she got in over her head...as she is usually the one in control...manipulates to stay ahead of the game...to get what she wants and maintain that sense of power over them. IN this case, however, she tried the same tactic...thinking she was in control...only to discover that the OM was always several steps ahead of her, being a far more skilled manipulator, and suddenly she saw that she had lost control. So now, she is trying to get away from the high of the game...to see the all of that wasn't real. IDK, after talking with the counselor, it just seemed evident to me that working on the marriage is putting the cart before the horse; my wife needs to get sobriety under her belt, stabilize in that sobriety, then manage her PTSD, THEN maybe we can hammer out marital issues. All I know, is that if she relapses again, I will doubt she will ever resurface from it.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I know it took a lot of reseach finding a decent MC for us. Just as I found a good one (our forth), she decided she was done with counseling.

I think every state has a website that you can check qualifications on, and their specialties, its how I found the fourth/last one. We used refererances for the first 3, and they were terrible for our situation.

I just googled marriage counselors in my city, and it came up with a list and all the pertinent info for each one. Was easy going thru several pages and seeing who did what, to make a decision easier.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Damn...

I really hate the situations where the walkaway returns because posOM wasn't what she thought he was.

I think those attempts at getting it right are much more difficult.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Thumper said:


> I know it took a lot of reseach finding a decent MC for us. Just as I found a good one (our forth), she decided she was done with counseling.


Yeah, it was kinda funny how the wife and I were on the exact same page that this guy wasn't cutting mustard. We both caught on that our frankness about her sexual addiction made him uncomfortable...especially as it seemed clear to us that he was assuming that it was I who went wayward. I guess you had to be there to appreciate the humor in it...but I almost laughed when wife said she was compulsively masturbating...and saw the counselors's reaction. Haha. He gave us some personality questionnaires to answer which I think we will fill out and compare...but I already called and cancelled future appointments with him...deeming it more necessary to invest in a counselor who will help assist wife with sobriety and managing her PTSD. Then maybe we can work on marriage if it seems like we still want to. I'm not afraid of the outcome...I just want what is best.



Conrad said:


> I really hate the situations where the walkaway returns because posOM wasn't what she thought he was.


Yeah...we have talked a lot about this. I think she is trying her best to come to terms with the high-euphoria experience of infidelity...letting go of the fact that it wasn't real...NOT the beginning of a new and transcendent relationship...in fact, the more she gets out of the fog...the more she saw how she ignored red flag after red flag...that the relationship was going nowhere...and it was a blow to her pride (being someone I guess who got off having seductive power over someone) that she went from playing a game...to actually believing that it was becoming a real relationship.
IN her withdrawal...I know she is missing the intensity. She is afraid that she is never going to get that in marriage...and she is worried that she will never feel it for me. But I also know she is sharply divided in her thinking.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Are you working on your own attractiveness?


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Are you working on your own attractiveness?


Good question.... For me, I must admit I'm not a bad looking guy...but could always keep on top of it better. I've always caught the attention of other women at work, so I know I'm not grotesque...but wife is really turned on by masculine leadership...something I could improve.
I have a series that I am going to start working on...to shore myself up in some areas...so that I can maybe close some back doors that I'm responsible for. We made a pact to get back into our paleo eating...'cos she realizes that bad food, sugar (especially soda) is a huge trigger for her with addiction mindset...and I know it affects me in a positive way when I eat clean...changes your whole brain chemistry.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Been a while since I posted. Life has been pretty rollercoaster.

Wife and I had been working things out, reading lots of texts, and trying out several counselors for her sobriety from sex addiction. Things have been very good between us, but not exactly spectacular. Wife just made it past her 30 days sobriety without acting out, so I have been really proud of her. However, her last decision several months ago to divorce feels somewhat has gotten the ball rolling on its eventuality. I have been on the fence concerning this...and as I have been reading more and more on what it takes to recover from sex addiction, I have really been putting the question to my wife as to what is the more healthier option...at the same time, I have been feeling more and more convicted that I am the one that needed to make the call. I have been praying about it...and one quiet morning after praying, I felt something within myself (I'd like to say God) said "You know what you need to do...." My heart really wrestled with this...and I just asked for more clarity, 'cos my heart has been really mixed up. 

Anyway, we have been going through His Needs, Her Needs text...and we started journaling after each chapter and then shared what we have written to each other...and after reading one of her journals...it came really clear to me that she just "isn't there" when it comes to being married. Of course, she has been very upset when I pressed the matter...but it wasn't the kind of "No, I want to fight for this, we need to work this out" sorta pain. I pointed this out to her, that it seemed like her sadness was immediately an "acceptance" sadness...and she agreed...that even though she was happy to work on sobriety and patch things up between us...she too had been feeling our marriage had run its course. I might have changed my mind if I had gotten a sense that she was willing to do whatever it took to make it work, but she wasn't, nor never really had...and I feel like that was the answer I needed to finally let go. With our original finalization date still on track, I will be married for only for one more week.

Has anyone really suffered physically during their marital rollercoasters? My back has gotten progressively worse over the last three months...where I have to constantly rely on ibuprofen, icing, and spa jets to get my muscles to stop their spasms. I went to a chiropractor when the pain started escalating after working out at the gym...and I was worried about an alignment issue...and he felt like he could help, but it didn't, so I went back two more times...and I would say that my back had gotten worse. Going to schedule regular doctor appointment at the end of the month....


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Wife had major turnaround. Getting on the ball. Decided not to finalize divorce...so despite the ups and downs and uncertainty...we are in fact still married. Such an odd tale we share...odd enough that Dr. Phil Show was trying to get us to fly out at the end of this month to shoot an episode about marriages in crisis...I kid you not!!! Not sure how that came about...wife was in fog when she communicated to them unbeknownst to me a while back and that they had been periodically contacting her to see if we were interested in being featured on the program. Ummmmm...no thanks.
Wife still going to recovery, groups, and finally synced up with a female sponsor...so that is good. As I said in my last post, i have been having back pain...my back blew out at work last week and I have been bed-ridden and have not been able to barely do anything without my lower right back and flank cramping and seizing with such great intensity that I had to be ambulance delivered to urgent care who all the could do was prescribe some strong meds that really did nothing for me. L & I may/may not cover it cos I have been honest about the chronic development leading up to my back going out on me for a menial task. God will provide. At the same time, stress levels between us is lowering (even though wife had been scared witless about my immobility) but today is the first day I haven't been having to use assistance to get around, and no major cramping/spasms, and just moments of pain, but I have taken zippo meds today. Much to be thankful for, much work to be done. I am in my late 30's and this is the first time I have ever had back issues or anything close to it...so I chalk much of it to our relational stress, very humbling. I notice i have been speaking my mind more and keeping my wife's fear/worry in check by telling her to knock it off...and she seems to be be respecting that and saying sorry about it (which is uncommon for us). Wife just felt that deep down divorcing me was wrong and of course, I have always had the same value...so it looks likes in spite of how we have been hurting each other a lot...it appears we are hitting a doorstop to actually divorce. Whatever the case, I told her that either we get past the dysfunction and NEVER bring up divorce again, or I'll pull the plug myself...cos my body is obviously telling me that I can't handle any more destructive patterns. One day at a time.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

FormerSelf said:


> Wife had major turnaround. Getting on the ball. Decided not to finalize divorce...so despite the ups and downs and uncertainty...we are in fact still married. Such an odd tale we share...odd enough that Dr. Phil Show was trying to get us to fly out at the end of this month to shoot an episode about marriages in crisis...I kid you not!!! Not sure how that came about...wife was in fog when she communicated to them unbeknownst to me a while back and that they had been periodically contacting her to see if we were interested in being featured on the program. Ummmmm...no thanks.
> Wife still going to recovery, groups, and finally synced up with a female sponsor...so that is good. As I said in my last post, i have been having back pain...my back blew out at work last week and I have been bed-ridden and have not been able to barely do anything without my lower right back and flank cramping and seizing with such great intensity that I had to be ambulance delivered to urgent care who all the could do was prescribe some strong meds that really did nothing for me. L & I may/may not cover it cos I have been honest about the chronic development leading up to my back going out on me for a menial task. God will provide. At the same time, stress levels between us is lowering (even though wife had been scared witless about my immobility) but today is the first day I haven't been having to use assistance to get around, and no major cramping/spasms, and just moments of pain, but I have taken zippo meds today. Much to be thankful for, much work to be done. I am in my late 30's and this is the first time I have ever had back issues or anything close to it...so I chalk much of it to our relational stress, very humbling. I notice i have been speaking my mind more and keeping my wife's fear/worry in check by telling her to knock it off...and she seems to be be respecting that and saying sorry about it (which is uncommon for us). Wife just felt that deep down divorcing me was wrong and of course, I have always had the same value...so it looks likes in spite of how we have been hurting each other a lot...it appears we are hitting a doorstop to actually divorce. Whatever the case, I told her that either we get past the dysfunction and NEVER bring up divorce again, or I'll pull the plug myself...cos my body is obviously telling me that I can't handle any more destructive patterns. One day at a time.


Stay the course brother.

You are made of stern stern stuff.

Don't forget it.

You have a fan in the midwest.

Tell Dr. Phil hello.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Major changes in life...MAJOR changes. Like I said, I was having what I thought were back pains...and since I've last written, they had not gotten better. One thing I failed to mention was that in my urgent care visit, they noticed that my kidneys showed slight elevation in numbers. They couldn't answer for all of the back pain...especially when I couldn't really target anything down to a specific injury event. They said to go follow up with my family doctor...who in the same way, was really confused about the symptoms that I tried to explain. She wanted to know more about the elevated kidney numbers...and sent me off to do a lab in a couple weeks and come back at that time. I did just that..except, my doctor calls the next day and tell me to go to the emergency room immediately...my kidneys are failing. Wife rushes me over and emergency room says that my kidneys' were indeed failing...which may have resulted in the severe back pain. On a hunch, the hospitalist orders lots of x-rays of my skeleton...because of all of the pain I had been experiencing (and working through all this time.) They saw skeletal lesions all over, fractures in my back and ribs. My kidneys going bad and the skeletal fractures were all symptoms of the same thing...which is multiple myeloma...which is a bone marrow cancer. It had weakened my bones, causing fractures, and spewed out all this junk and calcium in my bloodstream, overtaxing my kidneys. I had to stay in the hospital for ten days...and just got out 3 days ago Thankfully the kidneys have recovered (Praise God) so we only have to treat the cancer with good ol chemo.
Such a dramatic turn of events...devastating to our finances and to our family...but at the same time I have only been witnessing good things coming out of this. Specificaly, on how this has affected my wife...who was hellbent just a few short months ago on divorcing me and running off with some other lost human being (I just can't label anyone in hatred anymore...not after all of this). Even though i am the one with the affliction i can't ignore how my wife has been changed.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Brother... I've followed your story.

You're in my prayers tonight.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I'm so sorry.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

FS, I'm so sorry to hear the bad medical news. I am hopeful you can manage it with the chemo. You and your W are in my prayers.


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

I will keep you in my prayers.. I'm glad they caught it.. I'm glad your wife is stepping up.. Sometimes really learning that you will lose someone makes you realize the treasure you have.. 

Best of luck.. You will beat this..


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Thanks for the prayers and well-wishing! It has been quite a journey. Still haven't got the full prognosis regarding how bad the cancer is/was. Just went through the first cycle of chemo...starting the next cycle on Friday...as well as get the full prognosis. All I can tell is that I am feeling better.
The people at my work have been really supportive...I work at a hotel...and the company allows employees to donate sick time...and HR just called and told me that my co-workers donated together 400 hours of sick time to me!
Marital relationship doing okay. Wife is really struggling with not knowing how bad cancer is...otherwise, she has been really great and supportive...but on the other hand we have not even begun to address all the issues that led her to give up a few months ago. She is having a hard time dealing with all of this.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

FormerSelf said:


> Thanks for the prayers and well-wishing! It has been quite a journey. Still haven't got the full prognosis regarding how bad the cancer is/was. Just went through the first cycle of chemo...starting the next cycle on Friday...as well as get the full prognosis. All I can tell is that I am feeling better.
> The people at my work have been really supportive...I work at a hotel...and the company allows employees to donate sick time...and HR just called and told me that my co-workers donated together 400 hours of sick time to me!
> Marital relationship doing okay. Wife is really struggling with not knowing how bad cancer is...otherwise, she has been really great and supportive...but on the other hand we have not even begun to address all the issues that led her to give up a few months ago. She is having a hard time dealing with all of this.


Anyone would have a hard time with this.

Not just disordered people.

Hang in there brother. We're with you.


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

Just read your thread...'


praying hard in Australia for you FS...


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