# love / respect / desire



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

This is a three-part question.

Does your spouse love you ?
And, please explain how you know.

Does your spouse respect you ?
And, please explain how you know.

Does your spouse desire you ?
Likewise.....


I'll start.

Yes, my wife loves me. She sends me lovely greeting cards, buys me nice gifts, and when I'm in the hospital she's right there beside me. She makes me healthy food to take to work for lunches, packs them for me. She loves me like a parent loves a child.

No, my wife does not respect me. She speaks to me with a scolding, condescending tone of voice. She never misses a single opportunity to point out my faults and weaknesses, while
never once admiring nor complimenting my strengths. Her life-statement of marriage was that she is going to CHANGE me if it's the last thing she does.

No, my wife does not desire me. She avoids me sexually for months on end, while clearly expressing desire for other men.

How about a fourth?

Are you happy in your marriage ?

My answer, I really don't know. I'm not unhappy so much, but there is a lot of room for improvement.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

TJW said:


> She loves me like a parent loves a child.


I am not going to answer your questions. 

I am going to say that you lost me right there...^^^


Your wife should not be loving you like a parent loves a child.

What have you done to allow this to happen? What is your plan for getting to the position that you should be in - that of an equal person in this relationship?

Solve that problem and you will solve the lack of respect and the lack of desire.


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## RoninJedi (Jun 22, 2013)

Yes, my wife loves me. She greets me every morning with a "Good morning, Baby" and a cup of coffee for me. I'm at work when she cooks dinner, but every time she does the first plate that gets made is one for me that she puts in the fridge. And even when she doesn't really feel like it, let's just say she takes care of me, but I can tell by that look on her face she's happy she did.

Yes and no on the respect thing. When it comes to matters of the household (bills, plans, etc.) she defers to me in those departments. However, she's also very impulsive (particularly with shopping), and has often gone over budget because she "thought it wasn't a big deal". I don't mean like 200 or 300 dollars, but anywhere from 20 to 60 because she goes to the store for laundry detergent, and comes home with detergent, cat litter, toilet paper, 13 candles because "they were only a dollar"...you get the picture. And on our budget, 60 bucks is a big deal. 

Yes, she desires me, but she is more about intimacy than intercourse, if that makes sense. She desires my time and attention - sitting in bed talking, watching tv together, snuggling, etc. - although there are times when she wants the physical part more than I do.

Am I happy with my marriage? There's definitely room for improvement, but overall yes I'm happy. Although I'll concede that's because I know where we are now vs. where we used to be 5-7 years ago.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

> Her life-statement of marriage was that she is going to CHANGE me if it's the last thing she does.


Hope springs eternal and all that jazz...

Before I forget:

Love? maybe for the first few years... 

Respect... Yes. I'm a lot smarter than she is, and she's very smart to begin with, and I'm a lot more knowledgeable in life things, so she defers to my judgement. 

Desire? :rofl:


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

> What have you done to allow this to happen?


If I judge by her complaints, I have the "typical man" faults.

She sees me as a procrastinator, but in truth, I have to work 70 hours a week in order to make ends meet. So, yes, some things don't get done as soon as she would like.



> What is your plan for getting to the position that you should be in - that of an equal person in this relationship?


I have no such plan at all. It would be like "planning" to become the president or a major-league sports player.

I'm 61 years old, I have serious doubts that I will find a much better job than the one I have. Besides, I make 130k at it, and I LIKE it. This is the only way I have to provide enough money so that she can not work outside the home and play grandmother like she loves to do.

I mean, I get it that this is no great shakes. During my career, I made more money.
So, I guess I don't blame her for finding fault. Her son is a national vice-president of the company he works for, so I have very little chance of becoming her admired through that "door".

Compared to the men she expresses desire for, I don't "stack up" very well. They have prestige and power and good looks.

I could lose a bit of weight (so could she). However, it would not put me into the "movie star" class, so I would stand no chance of achieving my goal of being desired by her anyway. It's just not worth the pain of dieting and exercise (which takes time and LOSES MONEY and makes my life more miserable). 

I could eat more healthy (this is a major complaint) - however, honestly, I just don't desire to do this. The LAST thing I want to do is live a long life in an unhappy marriage in genteel poverty.

And, as to plan, I want to point out that all the "plans" in the world, even when carried out, won't change HER.

I could also spend my life finding fault with her and expressing desire for other women, and I can do this REGARDLESS of how good or beautiful she is, or how much money she made.


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## James C (Sep 6, 2013)

My wife loves me and respects me because she values my opinion and does things for me that are two steps ahead of what I need or am thinking. If she knows I enjoy something she will go out of her way, even if it means sacrificing on her part. I do the same for her. We've been through good times and bad and have stood by each other. We consider ourselves a team. 

As far as desire, I'd like to say yes, but who knows. She initiates half the time. 
Says all the right things but that is an area and a word that can have different aspects.
I think you can desire multiple people. I'm not saying she does but just trying to be real. 
I come across very beautiful women and I'm not about to or want to cheat but I've got to admit 
that as most guys, we're always wondering. I just don't verbalize or act on it to anyone. To say it
in a Disney way is ... I just appreciate their beauty. So she could feel the same way. 

TJW-I'm sorry you're going through this and feel this way. But the questions posed to you are spot on. 
She shouldn't live you like a mother. Something is very wrong there. 
Also, you need to respect yourself before she respects you. Part of that is eating right and 
exercising. You may not like it at first but trust me, you feel a ton better both mentally and 
physically. It doesn't matter about movie star looks. Just respect yourself enough to be the 
best you can be. All else will follow. 

As far as money, I don't understand how 130k is not enough. It's not just you. I've noticed that 
our society has gotten so trucked up that people will never have enough. My wife and I never made 
More than 100k a year and yet our house is paid. No car loans. Our only debt is this months credit card 
charges, which will be paid off in full. We just spent less than we made. If that meant no mansion, boat,
lavish vacation or expensive toys, we just didn't get it. Our time and goals were more important. I find I'm lucky 
to have a wife like mine. We are probably more happy and with less problems than people making three times 
more than us. 130K is enough. You either need to downsize or both your priorities are out of whack. 

Please take care of yourself
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

TJW said:


> She sees me as a procrastinator, but in truth, I have to work 70 hours a week in order to make ends meet. So, yes, some things don't get done as soon as she would like.


70 hours a week is a LOT!!! Makes me wonder if you have any time left over to spend with your wife? Easy for women to become disconnected and invest our energy elsewhere if we feel neglected.

130K sounds like plenty to me. 



> Her son is a national vice-president of the company he works for, so I have very little chance of becoming her admired through that "door".


 It sounds like you feel you are in a competition with your wife's son over income and with your grandchildren over your wife's attention? Our children make more than we ever did. That makes me feel proud and rather successful as a PARENT but the children are not in a competition with H for who makes the most money. 

Your wife wants a HUSBAND, not another child.

I depend on my HUSBAND to take care of various household and car repairs. If he procrastinates and neglects these things, I feel neglected, unloved, and disrespected and not at all warm and fuzzy toward him!!!

Can you hire out the things you are procrastinating about? 

As for your weight/health, you should be eating healthy and exercising for YOURSELF. You will feel better, have more energy, etc. 


> I could eat more healthy (this is a major complaint) - however, honestly, I just don't desire to do this. The LAST thing I want to do is live a long life


If I was in your wife's shoes, making such a big effort to give you healthy lunches and whatnot (motivated by love and concern I expect), I would feel disrespected by you stuffing your face. And it would come across to me as if you are a rebellious teenager fighting me on something which is plain common sense instead of a HUSBAND on the same team working together for good common goals.

BTW, if your wife was here, I would tell her to stop making you food since you are so unappreciative, to hire out everything you procrastinate about so that she doesn't have to live with that frustration, and to find lots of hobbies and activities to occupy her time and energy since you are gone so much and tired when you are around.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

> Easy for women to become disconnected and invest our energy elsewhere if we feel neglected.


Choose the behavior, choose the consequences. 

My wife WANTS to invest her energy in her grandchildren and children, rather than working and earning money to contribute to our family, and overcome the financial loading that she contributes to. 

Therefore, her husband has to make the ends meet financially. The natural result of this is more hours.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

TJW said:


> Choose the behavior, choose the consequences.
> 
> My wife WANTS to invest her energy in her grandchildren and children, rather than working and earning money to contribute to our family, and overcome the financial loading that she contributes to.
> 
> Therefore, her husband has to make the ends meet financially. The natural result of this is more hours.


I think I hear resentment in there ^^ If I feel resentment spewing off of H it is a MAJOR turn off! Just sayin'

Let's reframe your situation using your way with words. You WANT to work 70 hours a week, stuff your face, not exercise, and "procrastinate" (blow off things your wife wants you to do around the house?)

The natural result is that she has no respect nor sexual desire for you.

Working 70 hours a week is something you *choose*. You can scale back your hours and scale down the household spending proportionally.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Blonde said:


> Working 70 hours a week is something you *choose*. You can scale back your hours and scale down the household spending proportionally.


Easier said than done, unless you're like my old college roommate who after graduation lived in a one bedroom apartment in Oregon for 25 years, drove one car for most of that time, never married, and retired at 51.

70 hours is a lot but the typical is more like 55. I have done well for myself working barely over 35 a week, compared to my wife's 70-75 a week, but also keep in mind that I produce more in 35 hours a week than she does at 70. My hours are also more much more tiring.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

> Easier said than done, unless you're like my old college roommate who after graduation lived in a one bedroom apartment in Oregon for 25 years, drove one car for most of that time, never married, and retired at 51.


Yes. The ends don't meet unless you're like him. For a married guy with a family, it is easy to say that you can cut hours down, and "scale down the household spending" - but, there is no evidence to support that.

The evidence is that we are waiting with baited breath for every paycheck and scraping the bottom of the barrel to find money to get to work at the end of the pay period.

This is math, not magic. If you want me to believe you, show me DATA, not speculation.



> The natural result is that she has no respect nor sexual desire for you.


If this is true, why is the "natural result" also not true for me?

My wife blows off our family day after month after year - she "stuffs her face" as bad as I do (in fact, her BMI is HIGHER than mine) IN SPITE of the fact that I bust my ass to earn enough money so that she can go to spas, massages, weight-loss groups...

no, she doesn't "procrastinate" when it comes to her "kids", only when it comes to ME. Whatever the kids need, she is Johnny-on-the-spot to take care of it. Whatever I need ? It's like that vanishes into a black hole.

And yet.... I do not nag, criticize, or belittle her EVER. I have nothing but loving, respectful, edifying words for her ALWAYS.

And, I still want her sexually like the first day I met her 36 years ago. And, I have NOT ONCE in 36 years expressed anything about any other woman to her. Not movie stars, not ladies where I work or in the church, not the girl next door.

So, I just don't buy your argument.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

TJW said:


> Yes. The ends don't meet unless you're like him. For a married guy with a family, it is easy to say that you can cut hours down, and "scale down the household spending" - but, there is no evidence to support that.
> 
> The evidence is that we are waiting with baited breath for every paycheck and scraping the bottom of the barrel to find money to get to work at the end of the pay period.
> 
> This is math, not magic. If you want me to believe you, show me DATA, not speculation.


You make 130K. Not "poor". You have a spending problem not an income problem IMO. If you cut your hours to 50 and the income went to 100K STILL not poor! 

Here is data out the wazoo.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

TJW said:


> And yet.... I do not nag, criticize, or belittle her EVER. I have nothing but loving, respectful, edifying words for her ALWAYS.


The resentment and chip on your shoulder absolutely spews out of your posts and I am sure that she feels it. Women are very intuitive about these things. You might not say so but she feels it. She KNOWS you hate and resent her and her response is to shut herself off toward you- it is quite a normal healthy female response....


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Try this Marriage Help Program For Couples

It was helpful for us.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

TJW said:


> IN SPITE of the fact that I bust my ass to earn enough money so that she can go to spas, massages, weight-loss groups...


My husband was the absolute worst when he made the most- just POS horrid! For some men, money turns them into entitled SOB's,



> So, I just don't buy your argument.


Suit yourself. ((((((shrug))))))


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Blonde said:


> The resentment and chip on your shoulder absolutely spews out of your posts and I am sure that she feels it. Women are very intuitive about these things. You might not say so but she feels it. She KNOWS you hate and resent her and her response is to shut herself off toward you- it is quite a normal healthy female response....


I feel the resentment in his posts as well. But appears to me to be causal in the opposite direction. Her treatment of him produces his resentment, not the other way around. 

OP
Her avoidance of sex with you, coupled with her expressed desire/attraction for other men.....is enough for me to conclude that she does not respect or love you either. Sounds like plain old emotional abuse to me. Why do you tolerate it?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Blonde said:


> Try this Marriage Help Program For Couples
> 
> It was helpful for us.


"You will be encouraged to put the past behind you and start rediscovering each other"

Well, pardon me for being skeptical but a couple with an eventful past are hardly the types to put the past behind them, essentially wiping away years of strong feelings and the like..

As for rediscovering each other, again, if the other partner is not fixed it won't be rediscovering anything, I'm afraid... 

If you have a snag or two it sounds like a great idea, but not if you're in the Beyond section of Bed, Bath, and Beyond if you get my drift.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

> if the other partner is not fixed it won't be rediscovering anything


:iagree:



> My husband was the absolute worst when he made the most- just POS horrid! For some men, money turns them into entitled SOB's


I guess he disagreed with you, too.....


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

TJW said:


> I guess he disagreed with you, too.....


Nope. This is our story (and this).

Happier ending though. He got laid off from the 6 figure job and was unemployed for 13 months and re-prioritized.


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