# Love but not in Love



## wizard (Sep 2, 2009)

I have been married for almost 10 yrs,and up until 4 yrs ago,things were pretty good,i made the mistake of looking elsewhere on a buisness trip,although i never did anything sexual with the new woman,i met her several times when outta town,long story short my wife found out,for several month it was hell,guess it should have been,but now after 4 yrs every time she wants to be physical,she keeps bringing up the past ,so i quit trying,could care less if we do,i recently found a friend that i so much had a crush on in school,started talking and seems we had alot in common,so after sveral months i have fallen in love with her,we waited along time before making it physical but ever since she s all i think about,my wife and i have argued and fought alot here in last 3-4 months and have even tlaked about divorce, we have a son 5 yrs old,and i know how hard this would be on him but i dont want to stay for him (only)i know what im doing with the girl is wrong but feels so right in every way,is it time for me to move on,and how to exit ,,,i love my wife but havent been IN love for several yrs,should i stay with her and be unhappy?


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## shelleyv (Aug 13, 2009)

Does your wife know you have cheated on her? If she does, she might just leave you first, in which case you dont need to make that decision. I dont understand people who say they do love their spouse but then cheat on them. Where's the love in that. With love, comes respect, and you dont respect someone if you betray them and sleep with somoene else. Your wife doesnt trust you and clearly isnt over the past incident. If she founds out you have slept with someone else that is surely going to ruin the trust forever. You should be honest with her. If you not in love with her anymore, do her a favour and leave. she deserves better, dont you think?


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

shelleyv said:


> Does your wife know you have cheated on her? If she does, she might just leave you first, in which case you dont need to make that decision. I dont understand people who say they do love their spouse but then cheat on them. Where's the love in that. With love, comes respect, and you dont respect someone if you betray them and sleep with somoene else. Your wife doesnt trust you and clearly isnt over the past incident. If she founds out you have slept with someone else that is surely going to ruin the trust forever. You should be honest with her. If you not in love with her anymore, do her a favour and leave. she deserves better, dont you think?


I totally agree with all that !!!


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## feylovelyheart (Jun 13, 2009)

shelleyv said:


> Does your wife know you have cheated on her? If she does, she might just leave you first, in which case you dont need to make that decision. I dont understand people who say they do love their spouse but then cheat on them. Where's the love in that. With love, comes respect, and you dont respect someone if you betray them and sleep with somoene else. Your wife doesnt trust you and clearly isnt over the past incident. If she founds out you have slept with someone else that is surely going to ruin the trust forever. You should be honest with her. If you not in love with her anymore, do her a favour and leave. she deserves better, dont you think?


:iagree:

I think you should be honest with her. Try to communicate with her heart to heart. Tell her how you feel and listen what she told you about how she feels. 

Maybe you should think deeper which decision benefit you the most. Think about it thoroughly and see if leaving her is the best decision for you all. But...I am not sure if your wife will stay with you if she finds out about your infidelity.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

wizard has already tasted the forbidden fruit so no amount of talking with his wife is going to matter. 

wizard, you asked "should i stay with her and be unhappy". what happened to the option of staying with her and being HAPPY? is that an option?

i suspect you will say 'no' because you are not in love with her. but honestly, you currently have a distorted view of your feelings because you're amped up from your OW affair.

if you really want to stay in the marriage, the first thing you have to do is drop the other woman. can you do it? do you want to?

if not, then you have your answer. leave the marriage and pursue the OW. but this sounds like a classic case of "the grass is greener". 

choose wisely, my friend, because your choice will have MAJOR consequences on 4 people - you, wife, son, and the OW.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Personally I've never understood the concept of loving someone but not being in love... guess because if I don't have certain feelings about someone...
I WOULD NOT BE DATING THEM TO BEGIN WITH and never end up married to them.

Some people are desperate to marry I guess for whatever reasons and SETTLE... creating lots of problems for themselves.


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## Ingrid (Aug 12, 2009)

re: loving someone but not being in love...

That feeling CAN change... especially over a period of many years. So someone you started out being in love with, after many years, you don't feel the same. Wouldn't call it "settling" since things have actually changed. 

Secondly, it can be hard to separate the feeling of being in love with the *situation* (of finally having met someone, the thrill of learning new things about a new person, of getting regular sex, of telling all your friends about the new "guy" or "gal", the thrill of engagement, planning a wedding, etc.) from being in love with the *person*. After all the excitement has died down (which can take years, actually) you suddenly realize that well, the person is very nice, but indeed, it was the situation that brought more of the excitement.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

The in love feeling is nothing but hormones at the time. It is totally BS and can come in and out.. Love is deep down and always present.. Sometimes its covered up by anger/frustration/hurt but still there when those emotions disappear. This is why so many people get back together after a seperation.


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## Ingrid (Aug 12, 2009)

Aren't ALL of our feelings/emotions supposedly "caused" by chemical reactions of some kind? 

I am always amused when people talk of the deep feelings of love they have, or had, for a spouse... the feelings that caused the person to marry each other and are considered "real." 

Whereas, when the same feelings are felt in an affair, they are just "hormones," "love chemicals," or "BS" as the above poster has stated.

I say, it is ALL real, and it is always changing too.


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## ojcamero (Jul 28, 2009)

Loving Husband said:


> The in love feeling is nothing but hormones at the time. It is totally BS and can come in and out.. Love is deep down and always present.. Sometimes its covered up by anger/frustration/hurt but still there when those emotions disappear. This is why so many people get back together after a seperation.


I couldn't agree with you more LH. As you know in my situation my wife has had a lot of resentment towards me and anger. This was always shown in conversations with me and the way she would act around me. As time has passed her anger has been decreasing and our conversations and interactions have become a little more friendly. We just started "joking" with one another in our conversations and interactions over this past week. We have a long way to go but feelings can definitely put up a wall and make you feel like you are no longer in love with someone. After all, how can you love someone you hate? Life is based on perspective, ever notice how you can have a good and bad day within a few hours? Situations may change, things may happen but it's all about how you perceive the situation that will bring out how you are going to feel. Being negative, holding grudges, being angry is easy but far from healthy or productive. Being positive and letting go of anger and resentment is difficult. Stay positive!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Why would she bring it up when SHE initiated sex? Were you typically not into her, not wanting to have sex with her? Because I can only imagine her bringing it up if you were rejecting her. If she wanted you and knew you would respond with a YES, why would she kill the mood by bringing up a 4 year old mistake?





wizard said:


> I have been married for almost 10 yrs,and up until 4 yrs ago,things were pretty good,i made the mistake of looking elsewhere on a buisness trip,although i never did anything sexual with the new woman,i met her several times when outta town,long story short my wife found out,for several month it was hell,guess it should have been,but now after 4 yrs every time she wants to be physical,she keeps bringing up the past ,so i quit trying,could care less if we do,i recently found a friend that i so much had a crush on in school,started talking and seems we had alot in common,so after sveral months i have fallen in love with her,we waited along time before making it physical but ever since she s all i think about,my wife and i have argued and fought alot here in last 3-4 months and have even tlaked about divorce, we have a son 5 yrs old,and i know how hard this would be on him but i dont want to stay for him (only)i know what im doing with the girl is wrong but feels so right in every way,is it time for me to move on,and how to exit ,,,i love my wife but havent been IN love for several yrs,should i stay with her and be unhappy?


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## Inturmoil (Sep 22, 2009)

Bringing up old mistakes is how most women work...they never forget! In my case my wife is leaning on things I did or didn't do 13 yrs ago....never any cheating but just the way I made her feel so I can totally relate to you. It all seems like a crappy reason to split up.....but in most cases there is usually someone else in the picture to cloud their judgement and give them those warm fuzzy in love feelings all over again.


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## Recovered (Oct 8, 2009)

Let's see.....you love your wife, but you're not in love with your wife....and this finally came to you after you betrayed your wife's trust and hooked up with another woman?

Is it entirely possible that "I love my wife, but I'm not in love with my wife" really means...."I'm full of shame and guilt for what I've done and I'm thinking about exiting the marriage instead of facing the feelings that I currently harbor toward myself?"

Go ahead and divorce. The one thing you always get in the divorce is yourself...shame, guilt, and lowered self-respect included. They'll be there wherever you're at.


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## sjm1983 (Sep 18, 2009)

I received an email from Mort Fertel just the other day about "love but not IN love"

The jist of it was that when you feel this way or when someone tells you this you are saying, I care about you but I'm not excited about you. Neither of those things are love. Love is not just a feeling its also actions. Love is really the feeling you get for doing something for that other person. Basically love is created by yourself.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

and if your thinking "i love him/her but i'm not IN LOVE with him/her" stow those thoughts away. develop yourself, chances are good you will again be IN LOVE with him/her and you won't have to put him/her through the emotional turmoil and bu77$#!t that goes with that ignorant statement.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I honestly don't blame you. You almost cheated - 4 years ago. OK that is bad. It is. But you know what - after some amount of time - maybe several months maybe 6 months - sure as hell not more than a year - you get forgiven and your wife comes enthusiastically to your bed. Remember you came close but you DID NOT cheat. So the endless abuse on this point is just not even close to proportional. 

It sure sounds like it is over. I do think you should be honest with her - but be careful. She may want to stay together and work it out. Based on how she has reacted to date - working it out will consist of her beating you up about this for as long as you both live. 






wizard said:


> I have been married for almost 10 yrs,and up until 4 yrs ago,things were pretty good,i made the mistake of looking elsewhere on a buisness trip,although i never did anything sexual with the new woman,i met her several times when outta town,long story short my wife found out,for several month it was hell,guess it should have been,but now after 4 yrs every time she wants to be physical,she keeps bringing up the past ,so i quit trying,could care less if we do,i recently found a friend that i so much had a crush on in school,started talking and seems we had alot in common,so after sveral months i have fallen in love with her,we waited along time before making it physical but ever since she s all i think about,my wife and i have argued and fought alot here in last 3-4 months and have even tlaked about divorce, we have a son 5 yrs old,and i know how hard this would be on him but i dont want to stay for him (only)i know what im doing with the girl is wrong but feels so right in every way,is it time for me to move on,and how to exit ,,,i love my wife but havent been IN love for several yrs,should i stay with her and be unhappy?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I think if you tell her about this OW, she may just go ahead and decide to leave you, making the decisions hers, not yours. I can't say I would blame her. But if you are cheating on your wife I would go ahead and talk about divorcing, let her find someone to love her too, don't just think about yourself here.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

I also don't get the concept of love but not in love but I hear people say it all the time.


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