# My Husband's Drinking Is About To Distroy Our Marriage



## 7yrwife

Hi,
I have never posted here before but after what happened last Saturday night I need some advice. My husband and I have been married for 7 1/2 years. I have only been married to him and I love him with all my heart. However, we have a friend that everytime my husband goes over to his house, my husband gets so drunk that he doesen't know what he is doing. This has happened twice before. My husband does not call me when he is over there and once he didn't come home until the next day. My husband only does this when he goes to this person's house. 

Anyway this past Saturday I had to work and my husband tells me he is going over to (Neil's) house. I expressed my concern about him going over there but he said he would be home when I got home. I came home at 7:00pm he's not there. I waited until 10:45pm and called (Neil's) cell. No answer. I go over there. About an hour trip. There he is drunk again and cannot drive. After I finally got him in the car we started arguing. Then he starts his man bull crap about how he pays for everything... blah, blah, blah. (I run my own business online. Through the week I make items and I go out and physically sell them on the weekends). He doesn't want to hear about the money I contribute only what he does. I make more in one day than he does in almost a week. But that is beside the point. Anyway he starts ranting and raving in the car and grabbed the wheel and tried to run us off the road. Then he grabbed my arm and hit me. I was in shock. He has never done anything like that before. The only way I could get him to let go was by punching him in the face. I have never hit anyone in my life. Then he threw his wedding ring out the car window and made me stop and he got out and started walking home. I went and got our friend and he helped me get him home. 

The next day he sobered up and was sorry and cried and apologized to me. But I just can't forgive him for throwing his wedding ring away or for hurting me. I love him so much but I feel like I'm not even married anymore. I do not know what to do. He said that if he has to stop going to (Neil's) house he will if that is what I want. But if I tell him o.k then he will just feel like I am smothering him and get made anyways. We are not kids. He is 45 and I am late 30's. I am so sorry this is so long. I am at my wits end and do not know what I should do. Any advice would really help me. Thank you.


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## dobo

Accept his gracious offer of not going over Neil's house anymore. And then ask him to reflect on why Neil has had such a bad influence on his behavior.


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## Hispetal

I think you should demand answers from him regarding his extreme behavior issues when he goes to hang out with his buddy. There is obviously something more to this, and after the way his out of control drunkenness lashed out on you, you deserve honest answers. 

I am dealing with a husband that is a habitual drinker (after reading the forums here, I now refer to him as a 'functional alcoholic'). Being on the receiving end of his under-the-influence behavior, it continues to create wedges between not only us, but our two teenager kids as well. It's something I still struggle with, and I've found out that being vocal and standing my ground has gained me a bit of progress (for lack of a better word). 

Your husband's physical attack on you is assault - and he jeopardized BOTH of your lives with his antics in the car. I hope the two of you are able to communicate your way through this mess. Given it only happens when he's with his buddy, I think it stands a chance of improving if he simply agrees to halt his socializing with Neil.

I wish you well with finding solutions to your issues with him.


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## mea_3

7yrwife said:


> Hi,
> I have never posted here before but after what happened last Saturday night I need some advice. My husband and I have been married for 7 1/2 years. I have only been married to him and I love him with all my heart. However, we have a friend that everytime my husband goes over to his house, my husband gets so drunk that he doesen't know what he is doing. This has happened twice before. My husband does not call me when he is over there and once he didn't come home until the next day. My husband only does this when he goes to this person's house.
> 
> Anyway this past Saturday I had to work and my husband tells me he is going over to (Neil's) house. I expressed my concern about him going over there but he said he would be home when I got home. I came home at 7:00pm he's not there. I waited until 10:45pm and called (Neil's) cell. No answer. I go over there. About an hour trip. There he is drunk again and cannot drive. After I finally got him in the car we started arguing. Then he starts his man bull crap about how he pays for everything... blah, blah, blah. (I run my own business online. Through the week I make items and I go out and physically sell them on the weekends). He doesn't want to hear about the money I contribute only what he does. I make more in one day than he does in almost a week. But that is beside the point. Anyway he starts ranting and raving in the car and grabbed the wheel and tried to run us off the road. Then he grabbed my arm and hit me. I was in shock. He has never done anything like that before. The only way I could get him to let go was by punching him in the face. I have never hit anyone in my life. Then he threw his wedding ring out the car window and made me stop and he got out and started walking home. I went and got our friend and he helped me get him home.
> 
> The next day he sobered up and was sorry and cried and apologized to me. But I just can't forgive him for throwing his wedding ring away or for hurting me. I love him so much but I feel like I'm not even married anymore. I do not know what to do. He said that if he has to stop going to (Neil's) house he will if that is what I want. But if I tell him o.k then he will just feel like I am smothering him and get made anyways. We are not kids. He is 45 and I am late 30's. I am so sorry this is so long. I am at my wits end and do not know what I should do. Any advice would really help me. Thank you.


Sounds to me like your husband has a drinking problem and needs help. Is he willing to admit that?


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## shelleyv

Your husband is or sounds like an alcoholic. the only way he is going to change his behaviour is if he admits that he has a problem. He might not because they have so many excuses to try and convince themselves that they dont have a problem. The thing is if it is ruining your relationship, its a problem. Sad to say but until he knows he has a drinking issue, he wont change. If he realises he does then he needs to do something about it. Its going to be a long hard road ahead but you have to stand your ground. Tell him its unacceptable and that he must do something. The sooner he gets help, the better for the both of you. And he will unfortunately have to say "cheers" to the buddie of his as well. he wont get over his drinking problem if he still associates himself with other drinkers.


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## 7yrwife

Thank you all so much for your comments. They are really helping me. My husband and I have been having a lot of heart-to-heart talks about what happened that night. I told him I think he had a good idea about not going over to (Neil's) house anymore. At least until we can all find out why he acts like he does over there. My husband says that they start watching football and are talking and just keep drinking not realizing how much they have drank. I have told my husband before that I believe (Neil) is an alcoholic but I just do not know about my husband. He doesn't even drink unless he is over there that is what is confusing me. We are going to try and work everything out. My husband is a great guy until he goes over there so maybe staying away from him for a while will be a good thing. Let me know if you think I am on the right track and again thank you all so much. I was feeling so alone and your advice has helped me be a lot stronger.


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## swedish

7yrwife said:


> I told him I think he had a good idea about not going over to (Neil's) house anymore.


I think you are on the right track...and I liked your wording here...let him 'own' this idea as he is the one who suggested it.


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## dobo

Your husband sounds like a binge drinker, not an alcoholic. But binge drinking has its own hazards as you've seen. It is also particularly hard on the body. His lack of awareness of how much he's been consuming is the real gotcha here. He could get himself really sick (or dead) this way! Not to mention what it has done to his family.


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## Hispetal

dobo said:


> Your husband sounds like a binge drinker, not an alcoholic.


I will respectfully disagree with this, only because 7yrwife has explained that he doesn't drink unless he goes to this friends' house. A true binge drinker is a *regular* consumer of alcohol, and then in social situations becomes out of control and irresponsible with handling their liquor (with a variety of consequences to follow).

7yrwife, I do think you may be on the right track with communicating about it. I do believe there are addictive personalities out in the world who have strange influences upon others. If he can make a vow to discontinue socializing with his friend, then in turn give him the benefit of the doubt and allow him to prove himself to you. 

Good luck!


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## MsDani

Ive been somewhat in your position only when i met my husband I was 19 and he was 22 he was out at the bars all the time and obviously i couldnt go he said it was my choice to stay home...not that I was not LEGALLY ABLE TO GO. anyways we fought a LOT eventually all his DUI"S caught up to him and he went to jail for four months four monthat that happened to be the first four months of my prgnancy with our first son. when he got back he talked about how much he changed and he never wanted to drink again and wanted new friends blah blha blah-- a week later he went to a friends and got drunk and didnt come home.
he didnt drink again for a long time till about 6 months after our son was born he did good that night stopped once he was buzzed so i thought he could handle going out to the bars with me [ by this time i had turned 21] I rarely went out maybe 2 times a month. we went out for my friends birthday he got so drunk he made both my friends cry for being such a jerk- by the time we left i was sober and he wouldnt let me drive i had a panic attack on the drive home b/c i thought we ere going to wreck and/or die. luckily we made it home- [after he cursed out the burgerking drive thru girl and insisted they didnt spit in our food] --i didnt eat it- we got home and **** hit the fan he broke my cell phone and pinned me in the bathroom even to the point that the door broke off door frame and all i ran to the bedroom and he pinned me behind the fdoor this whole time i was screaming ur scaring me get away and he just stood there. finally he left and went to the neighbors and called the police ONE ME [ i know right?] well he got taken to jail for being drunk on probation and keeping me from being able to dial 911.... almost a year went by with no more outburst . but i still dont trust him to drink almost a year went by then two more. not nearly as severe. So far ive only justified it as being ok is because NONE of these incedents have ever happend when our son was with us he doesnt drink when we are all together[ thank god] and recently after an argument on my birthday we'ce decided that neither of us are drinking again. 
its only been 2 months and with the holidays coming up we'll see how this goes.
I hope your situation is lightened . my only advice is either ask to go with your husband and JOin in on the activities of hanging out[ not the drinking] and maybe with you being there he wont drinka as much- or keep the hang out nights on week nights he'll be less likey to drink if he has to work. and also since he mentioned the money i think you should both sit down and have a serious talk about it cause he probably thinks about it alot and it will just build up more and more


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## stresslady

7yrwife said:


> Hi,
> I have never posted here before but after what happened last Saturday night I need some advice. My husband and I have been married for 7 1/2 years. I have only been married to him and I love him with all my heart. However, we have a friend that everytime my husband goes over to his house, my husband gets so drunk that he doesen't know what he is doing. This has happened twice before. My husband does not call me when he is over there and once he didn't come home until the next day. My husband only does this when he goes to this person's house.
> 
> Anyway this past Saturday I had to work and my husband tells me he is going over to (Neil's) house. I expressed my concern about him going over there but he said he would be home when I got home. I came home at 7:00pm he's not there. I waited until 10:45pm and called (Neil's) cell. No answer. I go over there. About an hour trip. There he is drunk again and cannot drive. After I finally got him in the car we started arguing. Then he start
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## InnerGold

Hispetal said:


> If he can make a vow to discontinue socializing with his friend, then in turn give him the benefit of the doubt and allow him to prove himself to you.


If he has never given you a reason to not trust him, I agree give him the benefit of the doubt.

When someone gets into these behaviors, they cannot think rationally, especially with alcohol. That is why he was so emotional the next morning because he remembered parts of what happened or sees a bruise. 

Unfortunately, addictive behaviors limit the rational thinking and abuse occurs.

*Loss of Control: *(hence, throwing wedding ring out the window)
In this state the person experiences a sense of loss of control. All attempts at stopping the acting out behavior, regardless of commitments, fail, and it literally feels as if something else is in control.	

*Negative Consequences:
*Soon after a person experiences loss of control, it is common for negative consequences to begin to unfold. The weight of the addiction begins to wear one down. It requires tremendous energy to live this double life. It is common for an addict to live in constant fear of being found out or caught. For many, it is a spouse that will find evidence of the addiction and begin the confrontation. It is also common for those who are confronted with indisputable evidence to minimize it and swear that it will never happen again. But a person in this phase can no longer ignore the reality of negative consequences that are following their addictive behaviors. 

It sounds like he is willing to get help and listen to you. This is a wonderful thing. You can read many posts on this forum where the husband won't even listen to the spouse.


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## MissBhaven

Oh 7yrwife - I feel soooooo sorry for you! 

At first my H only hung around those "certain" people also. He would sneak out in the middle of the night - hoping I wouldn't know! I would get angry and hate THEM (some were family members that I tried to exclude him from for this reason) - then I realized that if it wasn't them it would be someone else because that's what an alcoholic does. They surround themselves around others like them. It's a start for him to not hang out with "Neil" ...but do you think it will change? It sounds like he needs help - and all you can give is support! Is it worth a life of he!!? I still am not part of his family today because I "don't drink"....

My H has also has lied, sneaked, borrowed, begged - whatever he had to to get his drink. I too have been through this for a long time and I can tell you from my experience that time and patience doesn't make it better! To this day he still ignores my calls and texts - and has included all his "friends" in on the deceit as well. When that happens I know he's up to no good!

I wish you the best of luck in whatever decision you make!


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## InnerGold

7yr, your husband sounds like a good man, willing and recognizing there is a problem. Have him watch these videos: YouTube - Addiction Presentation to learn about how the alcohol is affecting his brain and rational thinking. It sounds like he would be willing from since he is talking to you.

Again, unlike a lot of other spouses, he seems like he is willing to do what it takes, even give up a long time friend (that needs help). Maybe, through your husband's courage and willingness to leave this friend, your husband maybe able to help his friend recognize he has a problem. His friends wife (if married) must be an absolute basket case.


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## Trouble

It really does sound like your husband is an alcoholic. In talking to him you may want to find out about his past and if he ever struggled with alcohol before, that could provide you both with some answers.
My bf is a recovering alcoholic. He's been a drinker his whole adult life and his family are all alcoholics. He had a bad childhood, his dad was a very mean, abusive drunk. My bf was mean when he drank to. 
He tried sobreity for about 6 months and went back to drinking. It got progressively worse. He went from freaking out and hitting walls, or objects to 1 day grabbing me up by the throat. I split for a while after that and came back after all the apologies and promises. Needless to say it still got worse. My breaking point was 10 months ago, we went to his buddies and hung out, I never drank and he got smashed. There was another guy there talking to me about his wife and my bf flipped out telling me I wanted to sleep with that guy.
We left and partway down the road he went crazy. At 1 point he got out of the car and I left him. But I went back and got him. He punched me in the face and took my phone. He threatened to kill me. I left that night but he followed me.
He was apologizing and acting sorry. In the morning I told him it was enough, either he stopped drinking or I was gone for good. He's not picked up a drink since. He had to alter his life and quit hanging out with his friends but he knew it was bad and the time was then to quit. It's been a long road but I've stuck by him and its worth it.
I hope that you and your husband can work this out now and that it doesn't progress. For your safety and your families you need to stand your ground. Let him know what you expect but make sure he knows he's not alone. Good luck to you both.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## uptight

This is remarkable. So in 7 and a half years of marriage your husband has been drunk with his mate 3 times at his mates house. So once every 2 and a half years he over endulges with his mate in alcohol. How does this constitute an alcoholic? You knew he was likely very drunk when you marched over there; to humiliate him I suspect, as you did here with your comment about earning more money in a day than him in a week. You get to control him every other 999 days out of every thousand so give him a break.


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## hawaii

its not gonna change. been dealing with it for 26 yrs and still don't no wat to do. wore a beauty bruise on my arm from his hands to our daughters wedding. he says it was all my fault, my mouth caused him to get pissed and grab me. not the first time. if i fight back it scared our kids so much that now to make peace for our son i just shut up. daughter is married a yr ago son is 16! great kids. just sick of this behavior in husband. couldn't love him more when he isn't drinking but CANT STAND HIM WHEN HE IS.


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## julia71

uptight said:


> This is remarkable. So in 7 and a half years of marriage your husband has been drunk with his mate 3 times at his mates house. So once every 2 and a half years he over endulges with his mate in alcohol. How does this constitute an alcoholic? You knew he was likely very drunk when you marched over there; to humiliate him I suspect, as you did here with your comment about earning more money in a day than him in a week. You get to control him every other 999 days out of every thousand so give him a break.


So I guess since she "embarassed" him that made it ok for him to hit her then, huh? You're a piece of work I'll bet.


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## newbie3191

Hi all, I noticed this was written some years ago but if I can bring up the discussion again I would appreciate any and all input. I myself have been dealing with my spouses drinking problem for over 5 years. I don't know how much more I can take. He is a functioning alcoholic however for me to see him start drinking every single day after work and come to bed drunk is killing me. He stays in garage and tells me he is "working" on this and that which sometimes is the case but most the time its just an excuse to stay in garage and drink. When he starts feeling a buzz he then starts texting and calling people and 9 times out of 10 one of his buddies always ends up out there with him too. If I show my frustration I am just a B^&*( that he says causes him to drink. If I didn't nag so much he wouldn't drink but even if we are good and theres no arguing nothing changes. No matter what I say nothing changes. He has gotten physical with me in the past but always verbally abuses me. He loses touch of all reality. Sometimes he will even disappear and I have no clue where he went. He will either call a cab or he will walk to a particular buddies house that I cannot stand because he is a true alcoholic among other things that I know he does (drugs) I have told my spouse I do not want him here and he is not welcome. When my spouse is sober he is a totally different person but unfortunately I don't see that side of him very often these days. I went 2 weeks without speaking to him after one night of him getting drunk and busting my windshield with his fist because he was out of control. He passed out one night and as I was walking to my car to get something his phone was laying in middle of driveway. I had this awful gut feeling that if I looked in it I would be heartbroken. Well I did and he was sending messages to one of his employees who is married telling her how sexy she was and that he was hor&**ny..... I couldn't believe my eyes. My heart was in my stomach. I confronted him the next day and he got very angry and said he was drunk and doesn't remember which brings me to ask what other times has he been drunk and done something he doesn't remember. The only other incident in the 9 years we have been together was around the same time as this event when I found numerous emails he was sending out from craigslist evidentaly he was looking in the personals sections for one night stands and was replying to them. He sent out about 10 but never got a response they were all outgoing but none were replied to. Those 2 incidences has really caused me to be insecure about our relationship. He accuses me of things that only he has gotten caught doing (referring to the 2 incidences above) We have since talked and agreed to start over and to never betray or be hurtful in any way again. Well his drinking hasn't changed. I get very mad and let him know when hes out there drinking because all I can think of is him betraying me on his phone and he will make me look at it to prove hes not doing anything wrong. I am just so tired of the drinking and I know that he will never give it up. WE have 2 kids who are teenagers and they don't seem to be bothered by it. THey will laugh at him at times because he can be a fun person when drunk but I just cant stand to see it so that's why we continue to have issues. He will say he knows he drinks too much and will slow down but it just never happens. I am sorry this is so long. I am so lost and feel so alone. Is anyone else going through this or been through similar and if so what did you do to get them to change. I know that he has to want to but I don't see the "wanting" ever happening. His dad drinks all the time too. He owns a business and has someone running it so he is able to sleep in and have no consequences at all. HElp


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## Acoa

Find a good alanon group. Your nagging doesn't cause him to drink, that's just him trying to manipulate you. Don't be afraid to start seeing a therapist for while. Don't bother badgering him to go, that doesn't work with addicts. Work on stabilizing yourself. Figuring out if you can let him live with the consequences of his addiction, and then letting the chips fall. If my hunch is right, you spend much of your time and effort cleaning up his messes (not just in a mop and bucket sense).


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## Mr.Fisty

newbie3191 said:


> Hi all, I noticed this was written some years ago but if I can bring up the discussion again I would appreciate any and all input. I myself have been dealing with my spouses drinking problem for over 5 years. I don't know how much more I can take. He is a functioning alcoholic however for me to see him start drinking every single day after work and come to bed drunk is killing me. He stays in garage and tells me he is "working" on this and that which sometimes is the case but most the time its just an excuse to stay in garage and drink. When he starts feeling a buzz he then starts texting and calling people and 9 times out of 10 one of his buddies always ends up out there with him too. If I show my frustration I am just a B^&*( that he says causes him to drink. If I didn't nag so much he wouldn't drink but even if we are good and theres no arguing nothing changes. No matter what I say nothing changes. He has gotten physical with me in the past but always verbally abuses me. He loses touch of all reality. Sometimes he will even disappear and I have no clue where he went. He will either call a cab or he will walk to a particular buddies house that I cannot stand because he is a true alcoholic among other things that I know he does (drugs) I have told my spouse I do not want him here and he is not welcome. When my spouse is sober he is a totally different person but unfortunately I don't see that side of him very often these days. I went 2 weeks without speaking to him after one night of him getting drunk and busting my windshield with his fist because he was out of control. He passed out one night and as I was walking to my car to get something his phone was laying in middle of driveway. I had this awful gut feeling that if I looked in it I would be heartbroken. Well I did and he was sending messages to one of his employees who is married telling her how sexy she was and that he was hor&**ny..... I couldn't believe my eyes. My heart was in my stomach. I confronted him the next day and he got very angry and said he was drunk and doesn't remember which brings me to ask what other times has he been drunk and done something he doesn't remember. The only other incident in the 9 years we have been together was around the same time as this event when I found numerous emails he was sending out from craigslist evidentaly he was looking in the personals sections for one night stands and was replying to them. He sent out about 10 but never got a response they were all outgoing but none were replied to. Those 2 incidences has really caused me to be insecure about our relationship. He accuses me of things that only he has gotten caught doing (referring to the 2 incidences above) We have since talked and agreed to start over and to never betray or be hurtful in any way again. Well his drinking hasn't changed. I get very mad and let him know when hes out there drinking because all I can think of is him betraying me on his phone and he will make me look at it to prove hes not doing anything wrong. I am just so tired of the drinking and I know that he will never give it up. WE have 2 kids who are teenagers and they don't seem to be bothered by it. THey will laugh at him at times because he can be a fun person when drunk but I just cant stand to see it so that's why we continue to have issues. He will say he knows he drinks too much and will slow down but it just never happens. I am sorry this is so long. I am so lost and feel so alone. Is anyone else going through this or been through similar and if so what did you do to get them to change. I know that he has to want to but I don't see the "wanting" ever happening. His dad drinks all the time too. He owns a business and has someone running it so he is able to sleep in and have no consequences at all. HElp



Your love is not going to change him, nor any of your actions. His problem goes further than you have the capacity to change or help. By staying, you allow and accept this behavior.

If all he has done is not enough, how much farther will it have to go? When he beats you, when he gets arrested? Where are you going to draw the line?

It is not your job to save him, but his own. If you have not yet noticed, you are in a cycle, a hamster running on a wheel but getting nowhere. You are doing the same thing and expecting something different.

You need help for yourself. You should only be taking care of you and your needs. Please find a support group to help you deal.

Once you learn about his problems, you will learn that the best thing you can do is separate and become safe to protect yourself.

It took my father going to jail, and my suicide attempt before he hit rock bottom. Do not sacrifice yourself and love yourself not to allow another person to treat you this way. You are a victim.

Love yourself more than this. You have to detach and look at the facts, not listen to your feelings, they have kept you trapped.

Love is a neutral drive. You know that you are not married to what society would deem a good person, but love is blind. You need to take love out of the equation because it will keep you drawn to him.

You also have a draw to save him, to cure him, and bring him back. You probably feel that if you can help him through this, that you can bring back the man you love. Things are not that simple. He may not be the man you fell in love with again. Odds are, the alcohol has changed his brain physically. He may need it for the rest of his life just to operate. The man you loved may be gone.

The only way to find out is to detach and find support. If he is going to change, it will take a long time to do so. and this may be a lifetime battle for him.


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