# Anyone have experience dealing with Adult ADD?



## Sillyputty (Jan 22, 2013)

My wife has adult ADD and, among other marital issues we have, it complicates things immensely. I have done some research that basically stated this condition gives the impression that the afflicted person is irresponsible and uncaring. That is very much how it appears and feels to me as the spouse. All of the burdens and responsibilities she "forgets" to do FEELS LIKE she is simply dumping them off to me (even if that was not her intention). She misses kids' medical/dentist appointments, doesn't get groceries or common things we need (like milk, etc.), so I have to constantly remind her or else I'll end up cleaning up her messes. It feels like I'm caring for another child and, I must confess, sometimes I treat her that way out of sheer frustration. I work 40+ hours as sole supporter yet I still have all the burdens of homemaker too! I'm trying to come to terms with this "illness" but I fear that I am falling short. Sadly I am constantly angry at her and our predicament, her counselor told her to keep a list for everything but she is not consistent and of course things fall thru the cracks again. Anyone have experience with this? What other coping strategies can we try? Will it ever get better / is it treatable with meds?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I have a son with it who is 22 and an ex husband.

Yes it's highly treatable with meds, but often they don't like the way they feel on them - my son said they make him just feel 'flat'. He doesn't take them and he doesn't need them - he has a successful career on the go and is a very happy person.

Maybe the reason he's the way he is is that he took neurofeedback training when he was young. It taught him how to 'train his brain' to deal with it.

Scatterbrains do need to learn ways of managing their life, otherwise things fall apart. You can't really do it for her, she has to learn it for herself. What exactly has she tried besides trying to keep lists?


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## Sillyputty (Jan 22, 2013)

Other than lists she has had a few counseling sessions (maybe a handful). In my view she really has not taken full responsibility for it. For a long while she has admitted to being scatterbrained but only recently (thru counseling) she has used the term Adult ADD. It is apparently well documented and I have done some research to confirm that. I have trouble accepting it though because it seems she only forgets to do the hard or unpleasant things.:scratchhead:


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I was diagnosed about 20 years ago.

Grew up being told I was lazy and just didn't apply myself. Would go from A's to F's. Could spend hours reading and not remember a thing. Could spend 5 minutes reading something that engaged me and remember it verbatim 20 years later. I have no concept of time. I don't mean that in a cutesy, smarmy, aw shucks way. I mean I literally am unable to estimate time. 
I am very often late. I either grossly under, or over-estimate the time required to do certain tasks, and I forget things very frequently.

Medication was like a God Send for me, but I no longer take it as I developed some rather unpleasant side effects as a result. Nothing your wife would have to worry about, as she doesn't have a prostate gland.

People would make all kinds of time management suggestions to me. Write things down, keep a calendar, make lists, use apps ... all great suggestions, as long as you remember, and make the time to use them.

I had 3 reminders for a doctors appointment. Didn't make it on time. Have had my ex remind me to bring something with me when I drop off the kids. I remember the sixteen other things I need to do for the kids, and within moments forget that last thing that was asked.

I have a very simple premise when it comes to dealing with Adult ADD, it is either an issue in your life and affects it negatively, or it doesn't.

If it doesn't, then no need to worry. If it does, then your wife would without question benefit from medication.

I often find it interesting when people describe taking ADD meds as feeling flat, or like a zombie. Generally because the medications are actually stimulants. They speed up your neurochemistry, not slow it down. 

That's the fundamental issue with folks with ADD, their neurotransmitters don't fire like most other folks. The meds bring you up to normal function.

People that were close to me could easily tell when I was on meds and when I wasn't.

The other benefit of meds, is that they are immediate. There is no, systemic buildup. If your wife were to take 10 mg of adderall, she is going to know inside of 15 minutes whether or not it is working.

I used to describe as the 'fog lifting'. I could see things more clearly, respond more appropriately and not get lost in my head.

I can understand being angry at a spouse, and how this condition can look like your partner just doesn't care.

I don't make excuses, ever. Neither should your wife. She has to find ways to effectively function and contribute. Has she considered medication? If not she should.


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## Sillyputty (Jan 22, 2013)

Thanks you Deejo, that is very insightful information to have. I appreciate you sharing this very personal information. It is affecting us negatively and I think I have convinced her to go back to counseling where they may (or may not) recommend medication for her. You mention having an "ex", would you estimate that ADD was a contributing factor in this?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I started to read this thread but just couldn't get through it


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## Sillyputty (Jan 22, 2013)

Almostrecovered said:


> I started to read this thread but just couldn't get through it


Is there a point to your lame comment? This is a place to help and support or didn't you know?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You have to take AR with a grain of salt.

I am curious, is the counselor she is seeing someone who specializes in ADD/ADHD? Because there are literally thousands of ways to manage it. Everyone is so different, sometimes it takes a few gos before you find what works.

Your wife needs to make a commitment to work on this. Doesn't she want to? Or is it that she just doesn't know how?


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## worley (Oct 22, 2013)

Almostrecovered said:


> I started to read this thread but just couldn't get through it


lol'd at that one. snorted even


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

It wasn't a primary factor, but as things continued to degrade, it went on the heap. There comes a point where the relationship deteriorates and people start looking to validate their feelings to get out of it. In my case, I was actually the engine for separation and divorce. The ADD although something that definitely annoyed her, wasn't one of the major reasons for our relationship ending.



Sillyputty said:


> Thanks you Deejo, that is very insightful information to have. I appreciate you sharing this very personal information. It is affecting us negatively and I think I have convinced her to go back to counseling where they may (or may not) recommend medication for her. You mention having an "ex", would you estimate that ADD was a contributing factor in this?


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## Sillyputty (Jan 22, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> You have to take AR with a grain of salt.
> 
> I am curious, is the counselor she is seeing someone who specializes in ADD/ADHD? Because there are literally thousands of ways to manage it. Everyone is so different, sometimes it takes a few gos before you find what works.
> 
> Your wife needs to make a commitment to work on this. Doesn't she want to? Or is it that she just doesn't know how?


She is not seeing an ADD specialist, and I don't feel she is fully committed to work on it at this point. We have 3 young kids and now she works part time so her mind (and time) is "busy" as ever. I give her credit for getting to this point, but I'm not sure how to help her to the next level. It really needs to come from her, wouldn't you agree? Part of me thinks she needs to hit bottom but I tend to rescue partly for her benefit but more so that things don't completely fall apart.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Even with meds, she will have to make a commitment to work on this.

She really should see someone who specializes in it too.

How can you help? Search up specialists, make sure she gets to appointments, go with her if she wants, search up coping strategies and talk to her about them. But all that will be for naught if your wife doesn't do the hard work.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Poster boy for ADHD here... Diagnosed 30 years ago formally in grad school, in practice the signs were there if only the medical and school people in Zhee Middle of Novhere, Europe where I grew up knew what it was...

Lots of coping mechanisms have made it a no issue for me. Meticulous planning, use a smartphone or PDA (I had a Sharp Zaurus in 1994!) and work at a job that offers lots of different experiences as opposed to deep focus on one thing. But it is not getting milder.


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## Tenyears (Jul 28, 2014)

The first six-seven years of our marriage my wife actively and succesfully managed her ADD. She had terrific systems, routines, mental discipline and actively managed her meds. She was also an independent and responsibly adult and wonderful life partner. Gradually however she stopped managing the ADD. Now she is a different person who irresponsible and always claiming she can't help it because of her ADD. This new self that has emerged is extremely alienating and I am at my wits end. I am so sick and tired of it being used as an excuse, especially since she "forgets" or "has an ADD" moment at the most convenient times for her and then doesn't understand why I won't clean up the practical or logistical messes (AND emotional messes) she creates. I do see it as a medical issue and try to be supportive but where is the line between that and being an enabler?


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## Butterfly1014 (Jul 24, 2014)

Having first hand experience with my husband's ADHD and underlying BP I can so relate to what you are experiencing. When we first met he was on his meds, doing good, seeing his therapist. He told me about his past and believe me it was a long one, but we were in our 30's when we met and married and I believe that everyone deserves a second chance. A year after we were together I was pregnant with our son. He stopped taking his meds bc they made him feel to tired. He was okay at first, then his needs to go out and self-medicate came out. We still married I tried to deal with the fact that he was using pot to 'get by' as long as it wasn't in our home. 
Needless to say after being together six years his ADHD and needs/wants, not wanting to get treatment for it. Actually straight out refused to go to any kind of therapy, even for our kids he moved out. I am trying to make sure that the kids know that they are loved. He has only seen our son 4 times. My daughter he doesn't even speak to and they were close. He is a 37 man and doesn't see the damage he caused. My therapist told me that it's the ADHD and the addiction. I wish he would get help bc I know that guy I met is still in there. I hope you're W can find the strength in herself to get help and you stay strong.


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## ellie-ann (Jul 29, 2014)

I empathize and sympathize with you! (see new post) Just realized..
I personally am not a patient person so I complain a lot! I go to Al-Anon to learn about focusing on taking care of myself. My husband has a lot of room to do his own thing now and I have my space as well. Not really how a marriage is supposed to work but helps for now. I can imagine you are very exasperated so you need more help with this. 
I have recently been less of a caretaker and enabler; I feel bad because I think "he can't help it", but then I say to myself, "he has to learn the hard way". Counselors told me despite his issues he can take care of himself. Recently, when he did not plan an outing well and called me to find phone numbers etc. I said "no". I no longer am looking for his phone, keys etc. Nor am I helping him organize his day.


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