# intimacy issues



## Guest (Dec 22, 2008)

This is my first post in a relationship forum. I hope that you bunch of strangers can give me some support that I need. So, thanks for reading.

I have been in a committed relationship with my boyfriend for 4 years, we have been living together for 1. While I find him very attractive he has extreme self confidence issues that affect our sex life, in short we have none. He says he finds me attractive but can't ever work up the nerve to approach me. I have never denied him and whenever I initiate with him I'm met with rejection. The rejection has gotten so bad I no longer can look at myself in the mirror and see a woman or a female. I only see an asexual person and feel unwanted. 

All of this has left me wondering if the relationship is worth it. If eventually, I will end up cheating on him (I think this is awful but having been denied for so long if someone were to pursue me I don't know if I would say no). Everything else between us is fine but how long should I wait for things to change?

We have started to see a therapist but he already has misgivings about her. I don't know if there is a permanent fix for these problems he has. I love him very much and it hurts me to see him go through whatever it is he has to deal with. But when do I say enough is enough and think about me?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

crankypants said:


> . But when do I say enough is enough and think about me?


Preferably before the kids come along. Then it will be harder.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Has he ever had any kind of sexual dysfunction with you or maybe a previous GF? Anticipatory anxiety can cause a guy to become uncomfortable with sex.

Also, he may be masturbating a lot, maybe using porn. This will drain a guy's libido and in some cases cause him to come to prefer this kind of sexual release over partner sex.


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## HusbandFatherSonBrother (Feb 7, 2009)

Mr B said:


> Also, he may be masturbating a lot, maybe using porn. This will drain a guy's libido and in some cases cause him to come to prefer this kind of sexual release over partner sex.


You're kidding, right? You don't honestly believe that the human body works that way?

I myself am one of those men (and I keep hearing about it more and more) that has lost interest in sex with his wife. If you asked me why, I truthfully couldn't tell you. It's something I'm trying to look inside myself to figure out.

I have no physical issues, and have never once in my life had trouble with erections. As a matter of fact, just a simple touch from my wife, or a kind word can cause me to be aroused. But I still don't want to have sex with her.

I'm sure you're well aware that us men are not very introspective, and we do have trouble understanding our emotions (just ask a jealous man if he is jealous, he will always say "NO"). Communication is good, but understand that he may have trouble expressing his feelings.

I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful, but it's not masturbation and it's certainly not porn.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

HusbandFatherSonBrother-

Very interested to know more. Could you give a brief history of you sex life with your wife, and when was the last time you had sex. How does she feel about not getting sex?


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## HusbandFatherSonBrother (Feb 7, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> HusbandFatherSonBrother-
> 
> Very interested to know more. Could you give a brief history of you sex life with your wife, and when was the last time you had sex. How does she feel about not getting sex?


A brief history? Well, I guess we've had our ups and downs (pun intended). First, let me tell about us. We've been married 20 years and have three fantastic kids, a son 20 and daughters 17 and 14. I credit my wife with being a great mother to them, and turning them into wonderful people.

Sex before marriage was good. If there were any failings in our sex life in the beginning it was all me. I was inexperienced with sex, and inexperienced with women (raised in a family of all boys). We lived together for a year before marriage, and she taught me well (so I thought).

Our wedding night was a disaster. We got kicked out of the reception hall at midnight and decided to continue partying at the hotel with our friends. But we agreed to go to our room and "change our clothes" before meeting everyone in someone else's room. That never happened. By 2:00 am I was hoping to pressure her to go to our room for a quickie, but when I said I was going to bed, she said "Ok, see you later".

I was angry, and went to bed pissed off. I promptly fell asleep (lots of alcohol) and was awakened by her at 5:30am. Now she was ready to have sex, but I was still so angry I refused. This started a huge fight, but in the end I relented and we consummated our marriage.

Now remember, this happened almost 21 years ago, and I still remember it like it was yesterday.

I have tried to bring this up with her in the past, but she feels I just "passed out on her" and she has a good laugh with her friends about it. She cannot and/or will not understand that it upset me, or that SHE may have done something wrong.

I have given up trying to mention it, and it just stews there. Now we have had some really good sex over the years, but it seems to me that whenever we have any trouble in our marriage, that memory creeps back into my head.

Currently we haven't had sex since November, and we only had sex about 4 times last year.

Truthfully, I don't know how she feels about it. She does try to initiate it, and I refuse her (THAT must hurt). But she acts like it's no big deal.

I have TONS more to talk about, but this isn't actually my thread, and I'll save it for future posts.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I don't think the thread starter will be coming back, as they are now registered as guest...



HusbandFatherSonBrother said:


> Truthfully, I don't know how she feels about it. She does try to initiate it, and I refuse her (THAT must hurt). But she acts like it's no big deal.


I suspect it's killing her. I could PM you with some stuff to prove it. To painful to give the link in public.

From your statement, it sounds like you actually want to hurt her.


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## HusbandFatherSonBrother (Feb 7, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> From your statement, it sounds like you actually want to hurt her.


Well, no. At least I don't think so. Gee, I'm going to have to think about that, maybe I am.


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## HusbandFatherSonBrother (Feb 7, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> I suspect it's killing her. I could PM you with some stuff to prove it. To painful to give the link in public.


I believe you, I don't need citations.

I've decide to bring that up with her. i.e., "Am I hurting you when I refuse". I probably need to hear it from her.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Women don't work like that. Asking a direct question is not the best way.


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