# Separated but Confused now



## Jessica2009 (Aug 8, 2009)

Married 12 years, no kids, feeling lonely and taken for granted with a literal absentee husband.. I've browsed this forum looking for a similar situation to mine but can't really find one. Hoping someone out there can relay some advice.. 

Husband is always gone, playing mostly. Not work-related or military, or anything important.. just gone, traveling out of town, hanging with friends, or staying at friends' houses. For years I have spent all major holidays alone, plus most weekends. Except for being the occassional designated driver at new year's, not one holiday in the last 4 or 5 years! Christmas is the worst! Not to mention, I am "dateless" in general for all my work-related functions and other life events (weddings, parties, bbq's, family events, etc). 

It is embarassing how people I've known for YEARS think I'm lying about being married!! 

After a long time feeling depressed, I finally asked for a separation and felt so much freer -- but he is (or appears to be) in so much pain now and wants to work it out... how fair is that?! I truly thought he'd be relieved to be rid of me, and am shocked to learn otherwise! This is now tearing me apart because I feel so "done" and "spent". 

I am in counseling, but he won't go and I've seen him make no effort to change, other than a vague offer to travel less. Yet, he wants us to stay an "us". And I am left with guilt for not even wanting to give him a chance anymore.

My counselor suggested he also get in individual counseling, then later on, try joint couples counseling. But he hasn't taken that first step yet!

any advice?


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Jessica, let him be in pain for a while. That is an odd statement coming from someone whose w is taking a little break. But geez, I'm not that way at all and 12 years. Let him feel it for a bit. If he won't go to counseling, then I don't think he will make any effort.

Just my opinion - - and yes I am going to counseling. But not for that type of behavior. There is just nothing that can close to that that I knkow of at all. 

Just my thoughts.


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## Jessica2009 (Aug 8, 2009)

Thanks and good luck to you!

I'm just tired of raising an almost-40 child!! I've been nothing but supportive of his strange lifestyle and need to have fun and enjoy life, patiently waiting for him to grow up. But I live in the real world and my life isn't so easy. I know all his friends, he can barely name mine.

The weird part is he says he had no clue I was upset about all his time away from home. Really?!? What grown married man does this? And what kind of idiotic wife would allow this for so long? I thought I was losing my mind for wanting to leave him, so I sought professional help thinking I may have a mental disorder, but my diagnosis: unhappy marriage. Pretty simple. I want to be alone or at least free to find a real partner at some point in the future. It's like I'm trapped. Can't have him, can't have anyone else..


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## Pheobe B. (Aug 8, 2009)

Jessica, 

I am so glad that you have taken the step to seek counseling. It shows that you are being pro-active and not blowing off your marriage. As things stand with your marriage, I can't imagine going forward without him going into counseling with or without you. Have you had that discussion of this being a necessity as things haven't changed over the years, let alone since you have expressed the issues? 

I hope that things turn around for you.


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## Jessica2009 (Aug 8, 2009)

Thank you for your reply. He has owned up to his mistakes - basically not being a part of my life - but doesn't really want to do the counseling thing. He's basically looking to me to find the solution and tell him what to do to fix our marriage. Ironic since he's the one who wants to save it, and me with one foot out the door! I'm just tired of being the grownup.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Jessica your post made me sad for you. Holidays...Christmas alone! 12 years of this.....

He seems selfish and is SHOCKED that you want out. He's selfish and doesn't want you to go but doesn't want to do anything about it.

Make it REALLY painful for him. Either he shapes up (counseling) within the week. He needs to prove his love.

You are doing the right thing. Action is everything.


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## Jessica2009 (Aug 8, 2009)

Thanks Corpuswife. Holidays are dreadful for me. I am like a single mom, only my 'child' is off having fun. I know other wives complain about their men being immature, but mine really takes the cake!

In the last week, he bought me some roses and offered to work more. If only finances and flowers were the problem. It's like he's lived like a little kid so long I don't think he'll ever be able to figure this out. 

I've read other men's post on here, and the term "blindsided" appears often, and seems to ring true here. He didn't see it coming. At first it was even MY fault for not telling him I prefer he stay home for the holidays. Perhaps, but why would he WANT to go? Could he really think that was alright? I was just being nice and didn't want to nag him!! I'll take the blame for that, but geesh.. 

Even still, why do I feel like I blindsided him and feel so sorry for him? His face is so sad and he keeps looking at me with sad eyes asking me if there's any hope for us? I am trying to find a way to go back to being ok with our life together because I made a vow, but til death do us part sure looks long and lonely to me at this point.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Jessica,

I'm sure he was blindsided by your actions. And I'm not saying to leave him. All I'm saying is force the issue with regards to him changing and seeking counseling. His pain and what you are seeing are the natural responses to his realization. I've been there and understand what he is going through. Remember right now if he is like me he is in a heightened emotional state. His world is upside down. He needs to seek counseling, but don't create a rigid timeline in your mind about it.

I understand how you feel about the Holidays and can't really fathom why he wasn't with you. But if as you say you didn't tell him directly and you've said you take that part of fault, just remember to be direct about your needs in the future. He can't read your mind and you can't read his. If we could read each others minds this forum wouldn't exist.


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## Jessica2009 (Aug 8, 2009)

I wouldn't expect him to read my mind, my heart, or anything else. I simply denied my real feelings about it. I didn't read my OWN mind!! It is only recently that I've realized how ridiculous things have gotten! Besides, wouldn't common decency tell a normal human you don't leave your wife alone on easter, christmas, halloween, 4th of july, birthdays, anniversaries?.... just sayin. Hell, I've gone it alone to funerals!! No better time to have a comforting spouse than at one those, but he "didn't wanna" and I didn't push him to going.

Sure I know was dumb to say "sure, honey, please, go have fun! I'll be fine" but I was going thru hell so often with family and work crises I thought I was sparing him from my misery. My thinking error, I know. But he still could have said "no way, I'm here for you!" I'm tired of rationalizing his bad behaviors and condemning myself for denying my true feelings (unknowingly, just figured I was being a nice, thoughtful wife). But some things just aren't right. or fair. Sorry, I'm just angry. I have to get over that..


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## Flutterby (Aug 6, 2009)

Jessica... First of all, I'm sorry that you have been alone in your marriage for so long. While my husband has been here day in and day out (never left except for work), I can sympathize with some of your loneliness. I often went to family gatherings alone, some holidays, niece/nephew birthday parties, etc.

My husband didn't even come to my step-dad's funeral last year.

But that is because my husband is anti-social, not because he's off playing. So, I'm sorry.

Sounds like your husband is blindsided because he was too busy having fun and traveling to pay attention to his wife. I can't believe that you never expressed to him over all of those years that you wanted him to go to these events with you, or just spend time with you. As your husband, he should have known. Seriously? 

Here's the thing... you felt alone in your marriage and were miserable. You are alone now and you are free... you are happier. 
Your husbands puppy dog eyes shouldn't be a factor. He said he's willing to try, but isn't really showing you that he is willing since he won't go to counseling. 

If you are truly happier now, then you won't really be any worse off, right? You were alone in your marriage for 15 years... at least this way you have the opportunity to find someone who actually wants to spend some time with you.


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## Jessica2009 (Aug 8, 2009)

Thanks Flutterby! Mine is anti-social too (well, with anything to do with my life), but a social butterfly in his own. 

Sensitive (easily hurt) and yet insensitive (harsh and critical).

He confuses me to no end. 

And I can't believe I never let him know how his fun life hurt me to watch sooner either. Mine seems to be full of family problems, deaths, losses, work deadlines, obligations, tragedies..

Problem is now that we're separated, it actually just feels normal. Me hanging around the house by myself as usual. So how is separation supposed to feel any different, I'm not sure?? Only I don't have to pick him up from the airport or get the "having fun, but miss you" calls anymore! If only he would just disappear altogether, I could finally move on with my life! I want him to continue having fun, but I just can't share a grownup life with someone like this anymore. Our connection has been seriously lost.


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## Flutterby (Aug 6, 2009)

Doesn't your husband work? Did I miss something?


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## Jessica2009 (Aug 8, 2009)

Yes he works, just very part-time.. ironically, he makes pretty good money in a short time and has a lot of free time to play. We split the bills 50/50, but he usually has a lot more of both time and money leftover after bills though. What a partnership.


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## Flutterby (Aug 6, 2009)

As long as you aren't supporting his behavior.

Jessica - I think you know the answer to your own dilemma.. You are happier right now. You said you feel free. 

You deserve to be with someone who puts you first.


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## Jessica2009 (Aug 8, 2009)

But he has offered to make all sorts of changes - so many I don't think he can, and even IF he can, I'm pretty sure he won't be happy with that. It's a whole lifestyle change. It seems way too unrealistic if he doesn't get some kind of counseling to help guide him thru it. I think he's just "offering" and not "doing" because he's truly waiting for me to come to my senses and just go back to accepting things the way they were. And I can't do that anymore. 

He doesn't really want to spend time with me, he just doesn't want to lose me. Makes no sense.. I just sort of fill in the gaps for him when he has nothing else going on. I used to think we were a good balance of yin and yang, laid-back/uptight, fun-loving/responsible.. but now I think we're just so different we don't fit together in each other's lives anymore. It is a sad thing to realize after so many years. I still love him and want his happiness, but me staying is the only thing he says will make him happy. Unfortunately, the idea of staying is making me miserable. But so is leaving and making him unhappy. Seems so one-or-the-other to me.


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## Flutterby (Aug 6, 2009)

But that too shall pass as you find your own happiness. It is NOT your responsibility to make him happy. If you are filling the gaps in his life and you aren't okay with that, I say that you shouldn't settle for it.


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## separation anxiety (Aug 10, 2009)

Jessica,
You have to stick to your guns. Sounds like he doesn't want to go to councelling to change because he likes things the way they are. Does what he wants and doesn't bother with your things that are important to you. 

My situation is different but similar in that i just separated from my wife friday and as easy as it would be to go back now that she sees the "light" and everything is perfect i will stick to the separation and give it time to see if she has true intent to change. Change happens under duress and caving to your husband and taking him back right away will only get you back to the same location all over again. 
You have to stick with your decision and be patient. Don't give a time frame, just wait until you are satisfied with the results of change and then move forward. 

Right now, being displaced from my home and seeing the kids half the time is unbearable, but this is the only way to know for sure. you owe it to yourself, and going back too soon is only going to betray yourself. Good luck and dig for strength.


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## Jessica2009 (Aug 8, 2009)

Thank you all. I spoke to him again last night. He still doesn't see the need for personal counseling, though he might be willing to do couples counseling now. Seems a bit self-serving since I am doing individual counseling. He basically thinks I am the one who has it all wrong though. I know him very well. He will never share my interests and he will never love my family, though is now willing to go through the motions to keep me. I know that won't last. He will grow tired of walking my life with me very quickly - it's not his nature to do anything he doesn't want to do. And it's not my nature to make him, so I know giving in too soon is just a band-aid that will fall off later..


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## Guest (Aug 11, 2009)

It's sad that us guys need a kick in the groin to wake up sometimes but some of us do wake up. He may or may not but I would think you might come full circle and wonder if you should have given him a chance. Maybe not, I don't know. A couple of thoughts/?'s though. 

Why do you not go with him on his trips? 

If you are seperated, I assume your living arrangements are as well. If so, make him prove his change of heart. Personally I would have never thought I needed counseling myself but I have to admit, it was the best thing I ever did. My X never agreed to go once and she was similar to you in her reasoning for leaving, granted someone else was involved on her part. If he follows thru, maybe you two can start dating again and see if it works from there. 

I just don't know if outright closing the door is right unless there is more to his trips. Sorry but guys can be as dumb as a box of rocks and people can be very selfish of their own needs and not that of their spouses. Not to meantion it seems like everyone has communication breakdowns, especially the longer their together.


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## Jessica2009 (Aug 8, 2009)

Thank you Jason. No one I know gets why I stay, if that's any indication. In fact, most don't get why we were ever together. Of course, I don't take too much of other people's view of MY marriage to heart - no one else lives under my roof so they don't know! But now that I've started talking to my friends and family about separating (who do actually like my H as a person), I'm getting a lot of "well that makes sense" or "I predicted this years ago" or "about time" responses. 

Oh and to answer your question - I don't go on his trips because, for one, I have a job. For two, well, ever gone on a 10-day shoe shopping adventure with your wife? Yeah, it would be the equivalent of that! Only a bunch of guys doing guy things, whatever that entails.. I don't think he's cheating or anything, although many of my friends and family think that may be the case. Not sure why I don't think he is, I just don't have that feeling.


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## Flutterby (Aug 6, 2009)

I know that my initial thought was "are you sure he isn't sleeping around while he's on these trips?" But I do believe there are men out there that don't cheat - it's just an initial gut reaction. Kind of like with women when you say you have been feeling nauseated and they say "Are you pregnant??" Annoying.... but it's what people assume.

It's unfortunate when people put their 2 cents in about your marriage. The "I predicted it" thing, that's just wrong. You stay together because in your heart you wanted this marriage to work out. You love him. You wanted it to be forever. 

Don't let other people's comments cloud your decision for what you want to do. If you want to leave and you stay because you feel you are supposed to try harder, then you may end up miserable longer. If you go because other people tell you to go, then you may be filled with sadness once you have ended it and wish you had him back.

You could certainly try the couples counseling. It's never hurts. Sometimes it just helps clarify things.
But really you have to listen to your own heart.


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## Jessica2009 (Aug 8, 2009)

Update - he's still made no efforts. I stay married-but-separated at this point, mostly out of fear and guilt, even despite his lack of effort. He doesn't want me to stay for that reason, but that's where I'm out and can't seem to rebound from. I have gotten to the point where I don't even miss him, don't want to see him, want my own life back... yet I still care for him (like a parent does a child) and I'm terrified of living with 'dumping' him twice. Once with the separation, then another with legal papers. 

He has told me again and again 'it's over' and he can 'live with it', and 'it's ok' and he's sorry but maybe 'we should just get the divorce' so many times in the last month or so. He has given me many ways out of this, so why can't I do it? Why is this so hard when it's what I wanted? I just want to fall in a hole.


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