# He talks to his former mistress



## Cookies (Dec 10, 2017)

My husband has been talking to his former mistress. He was over seas for 3 years and they were friends. Our marriage started getting tough and he cheated on me with her. I could do nothing becuase i was here in the states and they were over there. Hes been home a few months and shes in california and we fight off and on, because hes still texting and callig her. For what reason i dont know. It hurts to see they're talking when im not around. 
He claims they're just friends now and he doesnt want her. But recently we got into a fight and he called her his back up plan. When asked again he said he told me that to hurt me. When we fight he tells me im being childish and i jeed yo grow up. He won't stop talking to her and i dont know what to do. He says hes not cheating on me again andhe says he really doesn want her. 
Should i forget about it and let them be friends? Or do i have something to worry about?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Draw your line and be willing to enforce it:

Either she goes, or you go.

Active contact=active affair. Oh, and she is your back up? There are emotional ties there. 

Said to hurt you? That may be the only honest thing he has said to you.

Then to top it all off, he blames you for being immature when you tell him to stop cheating? What a lovely human he is.

Forget drawing the line. Leave him. From a relationship standpoint, the only thing harder than living alone is living with an *******.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Moved to Coping With Infidelity section.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

He keeps talking to her because you let him get away with it with no consequences. He's got you both on the hook. 

Do you like being baited/used? 

If the answer is no, then cut his line. 

You're not crazy - just married. 

How long have you put up with this ****? Second and better question: How much longer are you going to put up with this ****? Do you see him one day suddenly changing? Why should he? You give him no reason to change/respect you. You are disrespecting yourself with this man. YOU are the only one that is going to make any changes. 


The answer isn't in the palm of your hand....it's written on the wall actually.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Make him your former husband.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

OP, there is plenty you can do. Start enforcing boundaries and hold his ass accountable for his actions. He's a cheater, and as long as you let him eat cake, he will. Make the decision for him by filing.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Cookies said:


> My husband has been talking to his former mistress. He was over seas for 3 years and they were friends. Our marriage started getting tough and he cheated on me with her. I could do nothing becuase i was here in the states and they were over there. Hes been home a few months and shes in california and we fight off and on, because hes still texting and callig her. For what reason i dont know. It hurts to see they're talking when im not around.
> He claims they're just friends now and he doesnt want her. But recently we got into a fight and he called her his back up plan. When asked again he said he told me that to hurt me. When we fight he tells me im being childish and i jeed yo grow up. He won't stop talking to her and i dont know what to do. He says hes not cheating on me again andhe says he really doesn want her.
> Should i forget about it and let them be friends? Or do i have something to worry about?


If he has had an affair with her the very least he can do is have no contact. In your place I would insist on it for the marriage to carry on, but it seems he has little idea of repentance or of trying to rebuild your trust. Calling her his back up plan was very cruel. 
Not sure what you can do with a man who acts this way and thinks its ok. Who blames you for the fights about it. Unbelievable. 

Would he go to marriage counselling?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Cookies said:


> My husband has been talking to his former mistress. He was over seas for 3 years and they were friends. Our marriage started getting tough and he cheated on me with her. I could do nothing becuase i was here in the states and they were over there. Hes been home a few months and shes in california and we fight off and on, because hes still texting and callig her. For what reason i dont know. It hurts to see they're talking when im not around.
> He claims they're just friends now and he doesnt want her. But recently we got into a fight and he called her his back up plan. When asked again he said he told me that to hurt me. When we fight he tells me im being childish and i jeed yo grow up. He won't stop talking to her and i dont know what to do. He says hes not cheating on me again andhe says he really doesn want her.
> Should i forget about it and let them be friends? Or do i have something to worry about?


Nope.

Rule #1 of affairs — for as long as they’re in contact, the affair is ongoing.

Either he commits to 100% no contact now and forever, or you divorce.

Or, honestly, just divorce either way. Given his crappy attitude, he doesn’t have what it takes for reconciliation. The best that you can realistically expect from him is rugsweeping.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## RonP (Dec 6, 2017)

What a piece of work. Get him served with papers. This will concentrate his mind on what's important.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Windwalker said:


> OP, there is plenty you can do. Start enforcing boundaries and hold his ass accountable for his actions. He's a cheater, and as long as you let him eat cake, he will. Make the decision for him by filing.


Other than getting a divorce, how else can she enforce boundaries?


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, the affair is ongoing. He is not minding you because you don't matter. You deserve a better husband! See an attorney to protect your rights. Sorry you are here.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> Other than getting a divorce, how else can she enforce boundaries?


State her boundaries.
pull back away for him when he crosses them.
180.
Throw his ass out. 
File for divorce and follow through


Seems to be the most commonly suggested approach to things. Short of divorce, nothing will make him respect boundaries unless he wants to. I always thought that was pretty self evident.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

NextTimeAround said:


> Other than getting a divorce, how else can she enforce boundaries?


Consequences.
Cheaters are like children when it comes to feeling "entitled" to having/doing what THEY want. You can threaten and scream all you like, but until you actually demonstrate that you are willing to make life unpleasant for them, there is unlikely to be much change. 

Consequence 1 - who knows about the affair? 
Disclosure to people who the cheater respects is always a good start, if they are still managing to convince themselves that they really haven't done anything that bad (which it sounds like to me in this case). For most cheaters, this is usually when the truly shameful aspect of their behaviour becomes particularly clear to them. I'm not talking about wholesale reputation damage - but speaking to a parent, pastor or close friend of the cheater about the situation and asking them to intervene with the cheater can be very effective. The cheater has basically perfected the art of ignoring the hurt and anger of the betrayed spouse because that was necessary for the affair to happen in the first place. But, when others (whose opinion matters to the cheater) know about the affair and subsequent disrespect, then this can be useful.

Consequence 2- loss of intimacy and the trappings of marriage
A healthy marriage requires trust. The OP's husband sees no need for cultivating trust from his wife. So, if I were her, I'd stop behaving like a wife. There are many little courtesies (and many bigger ones) that someone shows the one they love in marriage. These include sex, but also things like doing laundry, groceries, general thoughtfulness etc. Once the OP's husband is prepared to act like a husband again, then the marriage can be resumed. I'm not talking about behaving destructively, rudely or vengefully. She should simply treat her husband politely like a housemate that she doesn't particularly like. Go out with friends and start working on her own life and happiness, independent of him. Asking him to move into a separate bedroom would also be good.

Consequence 3 - filing for divorce is not the same as following through
I think that some here on TAM can advise threatening divorce too easily. But, in this case, the OP's husband does not appear to be showing much remorse for the past pain and hurt he caused his wife, or indicating any willingness to change his behaviour to prevent further pain. He is basically saying he doesn't care that this hurts her. Unless he can change, he doesn't deserve her commitment to their marriage. Filing for divorce is not irreversible. And I believe the OP can be up-front about this - saying "I cannot stay married to a person who doesn't put me and our marriage first. If you change how you are acting, then I am prepared to reconsider because I love you and would prefer to remain your wife. But, until you change this, this is not a marriage I can be part of for my own health and wellbeing."

Cookies, I don't know if you have children. They complicate things a great deal in this type of situation. But either way, is your relationship with this man really worth the pain he is currently causing you?


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Yeah, sorry, one doesn't get to remain "friends" with the co-conspirator who murdered one's marriage. Tell him he can go be closer friends with her once the divorce is final.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Cookies said:


> When we fight he tells me im being childish and i jeed yo grow up. He won't stop talking to her and i dont know what to do. He says hes not cheating on me again andhe says he really doesn want her.


First, prior to you finding out that he was cheating with her I am sure that he told you that they were just friends, just like he is telling you now. He was lying to you then, and he has no right to expect you to believe him now. Second, he is the one that cheated. He does not get to make the rules for what it will take for you to be able to feel safe again in your marriage. Third, he is showing zero remorse for having cheated on you with this other woman, and without true remorse there can not be true reconciliation. You are currently in false reconciliation with a heartless cheater. You need to take a stand now, and be willing to back it up with divorce.


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## RonP (Dec 6, 2017)

TRy said:


> First, prior to you finding out that he was cheating with her I am sure that he told you that they were just friends, just like he is telling you now. He was lying to you then, and he has no right to expect you to believe him now. Second, he is the one that cheated. He does not get to make the rules for what it will take for you to be able to feel safe again in your marriage. Third, he is showing zero remorse for having cheated on you with this other woman, and without true remorse there can not be true reconciliation. You are currently in false reconciliation with a heartless cheater. You need to take a stand now, and be willing to back it up with divorce.


Couldn't agree more!


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Compared to most I see on this forum, I have fairly liberal views of men and women being friends. I have lots of female friends and my wife has lots of male friends and were all happy and secure.

That said, I don't think either of us would be comfortable with the other having contact with anyone they'd had an affair with. Forgiving an affair is more than the cheater has a right to expect. Asking to also carry on a friendship relationship with that person is stupid. It shows a complete lack of respect for the BS.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

If my spouse did this she would find her **** on the lawn. I would fully expect her to do the same if I did something like this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

NextTimeAround said:


> Other than getting a divorce, how else can she enforce boundaries?


She can inform him that the next time she sees they were in contact, she will have his belongings moved to the spare bedroom and sex will be off the table. And the next time after that, his belongings will be move to the street. And then do it. She doesn't have to divorce him to get him to respect her. She just has to take action.

I told my H 40 years ago that if I ever caught him cheating, I would disappear. He'd never see me again. He'd never even have a CHANCE to save the marriage because it would be over before he could make a move. I asked him about a year ago why he never cheated, while most of his friends do. He reminded me of what I told him 40 years ago; he said he wasn't willing to take the risk, even if he DID want to cheat (which he doesn't, for some reason).


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He meant what he said. She's his backup plan. You either live with that or you don't.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Slartibartfast said:


> And guess what they talk about.


Actually, that doesn't matter.

Why? Because talking about the great sex they had or talking about what they had for their evening meal isn't the important point, here.

He should not be communicating with his mistress about anything at all!


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Can't believe you even asked the question on what you should do. This matter is very straight forward. Either he ceases all contact now or you visit a Divorce Lawyer and take him for everything he is worth.

In other words leave his sorry ars..e and show him his foul behaviour will no longer be tolerated.


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