# Is there a real chance to mend this marriage?



## trw1105 (May 30, 2013)

My wife and I have been together for about 4 years, married two and a half of that. A couple of weeks ago, she caught me in a lie about smoking pot, this was not the first time. It actually was about the 5th time in our relationship. At first it was okay for me to smoke, then over time became a little more unfavorable, tho there have been times when it was okay. I think the bigger problem was not so much the actual smoking weed aspect of it as it was the lying.

This last instance goes something like this: About a year ago, we moved from MN to NC for my wife's work. It had happened before, the lying, but we never fought or worked through it to a real resolution. Due to economic circumstance, we had made a choice for me to return to MN to work for a lot better money than I could make in NC, with me flying back for a weeks time every couple of months. Well, on my second trip back, at a concert we went to, I did purchase a small amount for the remainder of my stay. She realized this the next day but said nothing until the day of my flight back to MN the following Wednesday, when she asked me if I had bought some. I lied and said no... I don't know why, perhaps to try and protect her feelings. Later that morning as she was getting ready for work and I was getting ready to fly out, she stated she thought we might not be able to be together any more and needed some time apart to figure out if she wanted to be apart of this marriage any more. So I went back to Minnesota and we have had talks about it almost every day. Some good, some bad, some downright nasty. I had a hard time being away from her with our marriage that much in jeopardy, so I said I wanted to return to NC. She said that if I came back right away, we would be over. This fight got nasty, I accepted that it was over (so I thought) and returned to pack my belongings. Upon returning, I realized I wanted nothing to do with a divorce and leaving her and our nine fur-babies (two dogs, three cats, two chinchillas, a tortoise and a pet skink [yes I realize the last two aren't furry]). Now I am in the process of getting my things packed and am getting a U Haul to move to Florida, of all places. She says she isn't sure that there is a future for us but needs time to figure that out. Well, that's the short version anyways.

I've done everything I can think of to mend this. I've apologized numerous times. I've explained my actions, not to justify them, but to be completely honest. I've bought her flowers. We've been semi-intimate upon this latest return. 

I just wonder if this kind of a separation has really worked for people before? I don't want to lose her at all and I can't wrap my mind around not having her as my wife but if she can't be with me anymore, I know there is nothing I can do but honor her wishes. Any words of advice or knowledge of this type of a situation would be more than helpful. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely, 
Worlds biggest [email protected]#$%

PS, please no digs or trash-talking about my wife. She is a lovely lady and I just fear I've lost her forever.


----------



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

You can only control your behavior. You not being honest to your wife (regardless of the reason, my husband did the same thing, trying to spare my feelings but its backfires!) blew up in your face and now you have to earn her trust back. I don't really know about the moving/living situation thing but it sounds like you have some work to do. And stop smoking pot, I can see why you'd lie about it, expect better from yourself!


----------



## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

In my opinion, the answer to your thread title: "Is there a real chance to mend this marriage?" is "yes." BUT...you've both gotta want to. 

I've got no problems with getting high...it's an amazing release (and so much safer than booze) but it's illegal and a lot of people do have problems with it. My brother actually lied about his smoking habits to his wife for a long time...that made me sad. Because it's a fun thing that's awesome for a couple to share. Anyway...

It sounds like there's waaaaaay bigger problems than your lies about weed (which, by the way...I don't say stop smoking...I say just stop lying about it!! marriage can't exist without trust!) have you and your wife considered marriage counseling? It seems there's a lot more to do here beyond apologizing and explaining yourself. I imagine the distance doesn't help.

I think it's time for a loooooong, face-to-face sit down about why everything's fallen apart, if it's worth fixing and what you could do in the future. 

Good luck to you!


----------



## trw1105 (May 30, 2013)

I really thought/think that too but we've never had an issue other than the pot and the lies that come from it. All of our fights have been only about that. It used to be okay when we were dating, I had used in front of her. I worked as a roadie for a rock and roll band, it was readily available and it did wonders for my back and joints. She said she had kind of expected me to stop when I was no longer working for the band but didn't. I continued to use, semi-frequently, and she says she just hid her feelings mostly until we had fights about it. Fights that usually led to no apology from me, her crying and one of us leaving the room. Never got to a resolution about it. This last time that I lied, I feel, was the proverbial straw breaking the camels back. 

We've had many long, heart to hearts about this problem, which I feel is more about the lying than using. She says she needs time alone to figure things out, if she even wants to be in this marriage anymore. 

Again, at first I had really thought there was a bigger issue. But there is no infidelity on my part, no evidence of it on hers and nothing that I can figure to be the problem but this.

I've told her, I will never smoke it again as this marriage is more important to me that weed. And I know that it is and I know my choice is my marriage. But I've told her I'd stop before and didn't. Didn't for many reasons, general confusion on it being okay or not (there were two occasions where she partook also) but perhaps this is neither here nor there. Its just hard for me to accept that smoking pot and the lies I told about it are about to break up our once happy marriage (Tho she says this situation has caused her to be unhappy for a long time).


----------



## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

You know, pot makes you stupid, right? So she just wants a smart man and the more you smoke the lazier and more stupid you get. I can see why she's not happy with that.


----------



## trw1105 (May 30, 2013)

@ Fallen Leaf

Wow, troll much? I'm looking for honest advice about marital problems and your preaching some uneducated, ignorant views on pot?

If it makes me lazy and stupid, why is it in the 9 months we lived together, before I decided to take that job back in MN, was I able to build a 480'x6' fence around our back yard? I installed new flooring in the kitchen, hallways and entryway, remodeled our master bath, new closet system in master closet, new floor in master bed... on top of regular house chores and working 50-60 hour work weeks. Damn, that's lazy. 

I really didn't expect childish postings in a forum like this but I guess losers abound everywhere on the interwebs. Sorry for putting myself out there as such, thought I might get some solid advice I haven't came across yet.

I may have done an awful act to my wife and my marriage but you sir, or ma'am, are pathetic.


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

> I may have done an awful act to my wife and my marriage but you sir, or ma'am, are pathetic.


You're into illegal drugs and _Fallen_ is pathetic?? You're probably going to have to change your outlook on life before you can get any where with your wife. 

I hope you're serious about giving up pot. Unless it's your only alternative for a medical problem its really loser behavior. Good luck.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

trw, 

It's not the pot it's the lying. You know that. Your lying has slowly diminished her respect for you, more than hurting her by ignoring her wishes that you stop this activity. 

You already agreed that you would stop and you ignored your agreement. I assume you really didn't see any harm in smoking and didn't expect it to disrupt your marriage, yet it has. You wanted to be a nice guy and tell her what she wanted to hear, but that was not the real you and she found that out. 

It's time to find real you, not who you think others want you to be. It may not be a nice reality, but once you find out who your are, you can make it better. Once you make yourself a better man you may have a chance to mend this marriage. 

Here is some reading and a quiz for you to take. See where you stand. Give yourself a chance. 

No More Mr. Nice Guy

https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group - Powered by vBulletin


----------



## trw1105 (May 30, 2013)

@ committed4ever

Again, just like Fallen Leaf, what is your point of being here? I'm looking for help with my situation and you want to hold judgement based on your personal opinion of secondary matters. Not even my wife holds such views on marijuana, heck, she's even smoked with me on a couple different occasions. So instead of trying to help, you want to pour salt in an open wound. For that, get bent.

@ Anchorwatch

Thank you for those links. I've read most of the pdf book and, wow, that is a lot of me in there. Not 100%, but a lot. I think that with some more reading, re-reading of it, things will be better put into perspective about me. It's hard to see that my selfishness was, ironically, me trying to be unselfish but I'm not a psychiatrist and it is real interesting to hear what he has so say. Thank you.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Look I know you don't like our answers but we are truly trying to help.

To you lying and smoking pot isn't a big deal but to your wife it is.

To me those are deal breakers.

It's an illegal drug and lying about it is even worse.

The only chance you might get your wife back is to prove with actions that you are serious.

Seek help, go to counseling, dig deep to find out why you felt the need to make promises you had no intention of keeping.

Your word now means nothing so you are going to have to SHOW her you are serious about changing.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

It seems like your wife was trying to mother you and your lying was you trying to rebel against it.

I think you either need to let your wife mother you, which means giving her authority over your decisions on whether to use drugs, or you need to stop letting her mother you, which will include being honest about your decisions.

As for whether drugs are good or bad, they're not really my thing. I've tried them before and just didn't have particularly good experiences. But I'm also not such a drone that I think some government bureaucrat has the moral authority to tell me what substances are appropriate for me to use and what substances are off limits. I don't even let bureaucrats mother me.

P.S. Long distance marriages aren't a good idea. There's a decent chance that you not being around is resulting in her focusing on another man who is.


----------



## dusty4 (May 8, 2013)

trw1105 said:


> PS, please no digs or trash-talking about my wife.


Why would we trash talk your wife?


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

trw1105 said:


> @ committed4ever
> 
> Again, just like Fallen Leaf, what is your point of being here? I'm looking for help with my situation and you want to hold judgement based on your personal opinion of secondary matters.
> 
> ...


----------



## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

A little pot should not end a loving marriage. I think her issue with your pot use is just a proxy for a larger issue. She married a roadie who she thought she could change into her ideal man. It turns out she was wrong and you're still the same guy who likes to smoke some bud. She didn't marry the actual you. She married the person she imagined you'd become. Now she's disappointed with her life and anytime you do something she doesn't like she's reminded of her poor choice. 

When I read your post you came off like a bumbling husband who lacks direction and purpose. You sound like you have no control of your life. Why are you going to move to Florida it if you don't really want to? What's your 5-10 year life plan? You need to work on not being a victim of circumstances. It's unmanly and unattractive to the majority of women. 

If your post respesents how you interact with your wife your marriage is likely doomed. I don't think you can nice your way back into her good graces. At a minimum she's looking for space so she can evaluate her options and it's possible she already has another man. You need to figure out if you can ever man up and be the leader of your marriage because that's what its going to take to convince her you are worthy of her respect. Don't let my name confuse you. I've been around pot culture in CA since the 70's so I know exactly what it does and how it affects your thinking. Only you can decide if smoking pot is holding you back from being the best person you can be. The bigger question is whether or not you can honestly be the man she thought you'd turn into. 

Peace


----------



## dusty4 (May 8, 2013)

Or perhaps the pot smoking and lying leads her to think you are lying and exhibiting other undesirable behaviors....such as cheating. I know it would be in the back of my mind of someone that lied and was on the road all the time.


----------



## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

trw1105 said:


> My wife and I have been together for about 4 years, married two and a half of that. A couple of weeks ago, she caught me in a lie about smoking pot, this was not the first time. It actually was about the 5th time in our relationship. At first it was okay for me to smoke, then over time became a little more unfavorable, tho there have been times when it was okay. I think the bigger problem was not so much the actual smoking weed aspect of it as it was the lying.
> 
> This last instance goes something like this: About a year ago, we moved from MN to NC for my wife's work. It had happened before, the lying, but we never fought or worked through it to a real resolution. Due to economic circumstance, we had made a choice for me to return to MN to work for a lot better money than I could make in NC, with me flying back for a weeks time every couple of months. Well, on my second trip back, at a concert we went to, I did purchase a small amount for the remainder of my stay. She realized this the next day but said nothing until the day of my flight back to MN the following Wednesday, when she asked me if I had bought some. I lied and said no... I don't know why, perhaps to try and protect her feelings. Later that morning as she was getting ready for work and I was getting ready to fly out, she stated she thought we might not be able to be together any more and needed some time apart to figure out if she wanted to be apart of this marriage any more. So I went back to Minnesota and we have had talks about it almost every day. Some good, some bad, some downright nasty. I had a hard time being away from her with our marriage that much in jeopardy, so* I said I wanted to return to NC. She said that if I came back right away, we would be over.* This fight got nasty, I accepted that it was over (so I thought) and returned to pack my belongings. Upon returning, I realized I wanted nothing to do with a divorce and leaving her and our nine fur-babies (two dogs, three cats, two chinchillas, a tortoise and a pet skink [yes I realize the last two aren't furry]). Now I am in the process of getting my things packed and am getting a U Haul to move to Florida, of all places. She says she isn't sure that there is a future for us but needs time to figure that out. Well, that's the short version anyways.
> 
> ...


Anyone think that it would have been over if he came back"right now" because of a third wheel?


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

> Anyone think that it would have been over if he came back"right now" because of a third wheel?


I think it's more likely she wanted some time and space away from him because of his behavior.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

anonim said:


> Anyone think that it would have been over if he came back"right now" because of a third wheel?





committed4ever said:


> I think it's more likely she wanted some time and space away from him because of his behavior.


I think that's it is both. Bad behavior and separation never bodes well...


----------



## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

trw1105 said:


> @ Fallen Leaf
> 
> Wow, troll much? I'm looking for honest advice about marital problems and your preaching some uneducated, ignorant views on pot?
> 
> ...


Well, from what I read in your initial post, it sounded like this to me:

1. You smoke pot

2. You lie about smoking pot

3. Your wife gets upset at you for lying about smoking pot

In all three instances, the word pot is in there and lying about it added to the problem. 

The big question is, Why would you lie about smoking pot if your wife is okay with you smoking it??????

If you had said, I lied about smoking pot, then I lied about building a shed, then lied about a suit I bought, etc. Yeah, I can see then that it's your lying. But, for some reason the pot just stands out.

So why does it bother you so much what I say about pot? Is it because it's partially true? Maybe you're an addict in denial? Not saying you are, just asking. At what point would you call a pot smoker an addict anyway? 

If there's more to your situation then say it otherwise it does look like it's the pot.


----------



## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

Sorry about my assumption of what pot does. I lived among welfare recipients (cheap rent) while working my way up and that's all they ever did. They'd get so clouded about every day things, slur their words, and sat around all day every day smokin' it up, waiting for their next welfare check so they can keep it up. That's what I was exposed to so when you say pot, that's the image that comes to mind.

If your image is different (rainbows and unicorns?) then I apologize.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Fallen Leaf said:


> Sorry about my assumption of what pot does. I lived among welfare recipients (cheap rent) while working my way up and that's all they ever did. They'd get so clouded about every day things, slur their words, and sat around all day every day smokin' it up, waiting for their next welfare check so they can keep it up. That's what I was exposed to so when you say pot, that's the image that comes to mind.
> 
> If your image is different (rainbows and unicorns?) then I apologize.


Pot affects people more mildly than alcohol. I've had three martini lunches with accomplished CEOs who begin slurring their words. And those people are then a danger on the roads afterward. Recent studies suggest that alcohol is much more harmful to brain tissue than cannabis.

Yes, unmotivated people probably use pot at a high rate. However, those same people probably use alcohol and other drugs at similarly high rates. Does that mean all drugs, including alcohol are bad? I wouldn't make that leap.

It seems that the OP's wife does want him to stop smoking pot. It is now up to him whether he wants to comply with her demands. He has said that he would. However, that doesn't mean that her demands are reasonable. But, people comply with unreasonable demands in order to maintain marital harmony every day.


----------



## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> Pot affects people more mildly than alcohol. I've had three martini lunches with accomplished CEOs who begin slurring their words. And those people are then a danger on the roads afterward. Recent studies suggest that alcohol is much more harmful to brain tissue than cannabis.
> 
> Yes, unmotivated people probably use pot at a high rate. However, those same people probably use alcohol and other drugs at similarly high rates. Does that mean all drugs, including alcohol are bad? I wouldn't make that leap.
> 
> It seems that the OP's wife does want him to stop smoking pot. It is now up to him whether he wants to comply with her demands. He has said that he would. However, that doesn't mean that her demands are reasonable. But, people comply with unreasonable demands in order to maintain marital harmony every day.


Interesting. So why isn't pot legal everywhere if it's not so bad?

And, if it isn't so bad, why would his wife want him to stop? And again, why did he lie about it? Why can't he just be honest to her and say, "Hon, I did pot again yesterday and oh btw, I'm going to a buddies home to do some pot right now. Want to join us?"


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Fallen Leaf said:


> Interesting. So why isn't pot legal everywhere if it's not so bad?


It was outlawed before we had MRIs and PET scans to analyze the exact effects on people. And it was outlawed when the temperance movement was at its height. Many people believed that God didn't want people using chemicals to alter their moods. Also, governments tend to like regulating things. The more things that are illegal, the larger government needs to be in order to police the illegal acts.

However, I expect more and more states to follow the examples of Washington and Colorado in the future. Public support for legalization is already at a majority and is growing.



> And, if it isn't so bad, why would his wife want him to stop?


How should I know? Maybe she is worried that he will be arrested using it. Maybe she just likes bossing him around. If she forbade him from wearing hats, would we assume she must have a good reason? Lots of people have extremely negative opinions of cannabis that are based on little more than propaganda like the "Reefer Madness" film. Perhaps she's one of them.

It's possible that he's a lazy jerk while he's using. Although, if that were the case, I assume she wouldn't have dated and married him during a period when he was using more heavily.



> And again, why did he lie about it? Why can't he just be honest to her and say, "Hon, I did pot again yesterday and oh btw, I'm going to a buddies home to do some pot right now. Want to join us?"


He probably didn't want to get nagged at. He should have been honest. But he wasn't. His options now are to keep using and be honest about it, keep using and try to hide it, or stop using. It seems like stopping is the safest route to appease his wife.


----------

