# Feeling Sorry for XW on occasions



## MovingForward

Weird post kind off.

Not all the time but maybe once or twice a month I feel sorry for my XW sometimes for a day or sometimes just a couple hours, usually short lived as an interaction usually just makes me angry and I get over it.

For anyone who read prior posts she lied to me, met a new guy and then move on with him while telling me I was crazy for thinking there was someone else. My entire Divorce process was fast from filing to Signing only 5 months as she was in such a rush to move on, 12 years marriage and life together gone like that. This mostly all worked in my favor although devastated at the time, my life is better, i am happier and since she left so fast i kept majority of the items in the house, kept the house for a great price, kept majority of the kids items and keeping the family home for the children, financially she could have taken more but didn't and life is genuinely good, she lost most of her friends, killed her reputation and is really isolated although not sure she see's that fully yet but I can tell she has some sadness about how it ended at times.

It just saddens me that it ended how it did, we did not have the perfect marriage and towards end we were not compatible so a divorce was a way for us both to have a chance of happiness again but I just feel like it all could have been handled differently. We could have slowed it down and ended amicably, we could have kept some relationship to ease stress on the children who want to spend time with both of us, I would have been available to help with stuff and it would have just been better for all. Our current relationship is non existent and it is good for me since I find her toxic and she brings out the worse in me currently but something inside me still almost feels responsible for her.

I understand her after 12 years and know what she was thinking, I know she felt trapped and unhappy, it was not working and I was never going to end it but I just wish she had gone a different way about it all. I feel bad she has lost so many friends, feel bad she is financially going to be much worse off, that she has put all her eggs in one basket on the new guy and if it doesn't work out then her entire world is going to end and I do not think she would be mentally able to cope with it.

I am just writing out my thoughts not sure if normal to feel like this or not, I do not want to get with her, I do not want to be married to her but I do not hate her either or wish to see her struggle or fail, she is the mother of my Children so I want and need her to be happy. Seems so weird to say that.

Did/does anyone else ever have this?


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## C3156

I get where you are coming from. We are all human and have empathy for other people. It's okay to worry a little about your ex, but in the end she made her decision and she is the one who has to live with it. I too wish my XW had gone about things differently, but I cannot change the past. All you can do is focus on you and your children and help them through this tough time in there lives. Be the rock in their lives while your XW may be floating about.


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## Diana7

You sound like a good caring man. Both my husband and I feel a degree of compassion for our ex partners and sadness for what happened in our marriages even though we have a very good happy marriage now. When you have been married to someone for many years there is a connection, especially if you have had children together, and that doesn't just disappear completely because you are no longer married. Neither of us wish our formers spouse ill, we are just not like that, and we have forgiven them for what they did as well. 

Be thankful that you are not consumed by anger, revenge and bitterness as so many are after their marriages end. Its far healthier for you to have that caring nature and feel as you do. So good for you:smile2:

Also it will mean that you are far more likely to meet a good lady if you aren't consumed with bitterness towards your ex. There isn't much worse than being with someone who cant do anything but attack and criticise their former spouse. It shows more than anything that they are not ready for another relationship.


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## Ynot

What you are feeling is completely normal IMO. My divorce happened even faster than yours. She left me towards the end of August. By mid September I was living a 125 miles away. By early November our marriage was officially dissolved only because of the state mandated waiting period and the time it took to finish and file paperwork. I was blind sided by it all and tried to "nice" her by being overly generous (not involving the equity in her paid in full 1 y/o car or her 401K in the settlement) I left a lot on the table. 
The end came about because of a completely planned series of events. She knew which buttons to press to get the reactions she wanted in order to justify what she did. In the end she ended up poisoning what little remained between us. To date she has yet to even acknowledge what she did. She lied to me and to my children. She made no effort to think of anyone but herself. I too would like to think she could have handled things like an adult rather than like a high school drama queen. But she chose the alternative so there is nothing that can be done about that.
After my divorce I readily admit to being devastated and floundering. I had no plan, I had no sense of being. I probably would have killed myself if I had known that anyone other than my daughter would have found my body. Now things are much much better for me. I am happier and actually feel a sense of gratitude that she did what I was unable or unwilling to do. I do feel bad for her. I do not think she will ever find happiness mainly because I think she is sick. I do not think her actions were those of a healthy person. She left after 24 years of marriage as though she were going to the grocery store.


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## MovingForward

Diana7 said:


> You sound like a good caring man. Both my husband and I feel a degree of compassion for our ex partners and sadness for what happened in our marriages even though we have a very good happy marriage now. When you have been married to someone for many years there is a connection, especially if you have had children together, and that doesn't just disappear completely because you are no longer married. Neither of us wish our formers spouse ill, we are just not like that, and we have forgiven them for what they did as well.
> 
> Be thankful that you are not consumed by anger, revenge and bitterness as so many are after their marriages end. Its far healthier for you to have that caring nature and feel as you do. So good for you:smile2:
> 
> Also it will mean that you are far more likely to meet a good lady if you aren't consumed with bitterness towards your ex. There isn't much worse than being with someone who cant do anything but attack and criticise their former spouse. It shows more than anything that they are not ready for another relationship.


I do have anger at times but mostly because she does not acknowledge what she did. I do not dwell or think about it but when she tries to be friendly i close up and back away, she needs to acknowledge what she did before i will ever be able to speak to her.


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## MovingForward

C3156 said:


> I get where you are coming from. We are all human and have empathy for other people. It's okay to worry a little about your ex, but in the end she made her decision and she is the one who has to live with it. I too wish my XW had gone about things differently, but I cannot change the past. All you can do is focus on you and your children and help them through this tough time in there lives. *Be the rock in their lives* while your XW may be floating about.


I plan to be, I did a terrible Job at first since I could not even take care of myself but I am good and plan to make sure they always will be also.


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## MovingForward

Ynot said:


> What you are feeling is completely normal IMO. My divorce happened even faster than yours. She left me towards the end of August. By mid September I was living a 125 miles away. By early November our marriage was officially dissolved only because of the state mandated waiting period and the time it took to finish and file paperwork.* I was blind sided* by it all and *tried to "nice" her by being overly generous *(not involving the equity in her paid in full 1 y/o car or her 401K in the settlement) I left a lot on the table.
> The end came about because of a completely planned series of events. She knew which buttons to press to get the reactions she wanted in order to justify what she did. *In the end she ended up poisoning what little remained between us*. *To date she has yet to even acknowledge what she did. She lied to me and to my children. She made no effort to think of anyone but herself.* I too would like to think she could have handled things like an adult rather than like a high school drama queen. But she chose the alternative so there is nothing that can be done about that.
> After my divorce I readily admit to being devastated and floundering.* I had no plan, I had no sense of being*. I probably would have killed myself if I had known that anyone other than my daughter would have found my body. Now things are much much better for me. I am happier and actually feel a sense of gratitude that she did what I was unable or unwilling to do. I do feel bad for her. *I do not think she will ever find happiness mainly because I think she is sick. I do not think her actions were those of a healthy person. She left after 24 years of marriage as though she were going to the grocery store*.


So many similar feelings, thoughts and emotions to my own. Lucky for me I was nice and would have let her take everything but she didn't have time and I do feel a small part of her still cared about me maybe and she wanted to make it easier in a weird way. 

I was blindsided, lost all confidence. no plans or anything and she was set up and ready to move on immediately, I do hope one day she will acknowledge what she did though but it seems she is rewriting history so i do not hold out hope. 

In a way I would love her to just apologize, admit what she did was wrong so we could start a new relationship as co-parents to do best for our kids without all the tension. 

Aside from feeling sorry for her I also get guilt on occasion for being happy which is even weirder LOL


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## Ynot

MovingForward said:


> So many similar feelings, thoughts and emotions to my own. Lucky for me I was nice and would have let her take everything but she didn't have time and I do feel a small part of her still cared about me maybe and she wanted to make it easier in a weird way.
> 
> I was blindsided, lost all confidence. no plans or anything and she was set up and ready to move on immediately, I do hope one day she will acknowledge what she did though but it seems she is rewriting history so i do not hold out hope.
> 
> In a way I would love her to just apologize, admit what she did was wrong so we could start a new relationship as co-parents to do best for our kids without all the tension.
> 
> Aside from feeling sorry for her I also get guilt on occasion for being happy which is even weirder LOL


Again, completely normal IMO. The last I heard about my ex was that she was working two jobs to make ends meet. When she left she had what she thought was her dream job and used to tell me all the time how much they loved her and that she was a "rock star!" She lost that job not long after. As for me I am now more comfortably financially than I ever was in 24 years of marriage. I have more money, while work is easier here, I really don't think I am any busier. But sometimes I stop and wonder just how good we could have had it, had only she been willing to act as a partner and not a parasite. We probably made over $125k a year, living in a relatively low cost of living area, in a modest home with little debt. But at the end of the day we had NOTHING in the bank and very little in assets to fight over.


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## MovingForward

Ynot said:


> Again, completely normal IMO. The last I heard about my ex was that she was working two jobs to make ends meet. When she left she had what she thought was her dream job and used to tell me all the time how much they loved her and that she was a "rock star!" She lost that job not long after. As for me I am now more comfortably financially than I ever was in 24 years of marriage. I have more money, while work is easier here, I really don't think I am any busier. But sometimes I stop and wonder just how good we could have had it, had only she been willing to act as a partner and not a parasite. We probably made over $125k a year, living in a relatively low cost of living area, in a modest home with little debt. But at the end of the day we had NOTHING in the bank and very little in assets to fight over.


Same I am financially better at this moment than I have ever been, I just hope it continues.

My X has a better Job but from the sounds of it is having to put in a tremendous number of hours and to be in a worse financial position. She did not contribute towards the house at all and spend all the money she earned and then dipped into the Joint.

The only cost my new girlfriend is the occasional dinner together and she wants to do lots together so i get out more and take part in different activities which is great and something I had not done in years.


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## Ynot

MovingForward said:


> Same I am financially better at this moment than I have ever been, I just hope it continues.
> 
> My X has a better Job but from the sounds of it is having to put in a tremendous number of hours and to be in a worse financial position. She did not contribute towards the house at all and spend all the money she earned and then dipped into the Joint.
> 
> The only cost my new girlfriend is the occasional dinner together and she wants to do lots together so i get out more and take part in different activities which is great and something I had not done in years.


Early in the process I discovered that she had completely drained an account we had set up for our daughters wedding. One day she came to me to ask to take $1500 from a small saving account I had in a CU for a deposit and first months rent on an apartment. I stupidly said OK as I figured she would probably be getting this anyways. Later I started thinking about it. So I checked this account and she had nickel and dimed it to the tune of over $2000 in just a few weeks. When I confronted her, she claimed to have paid doctor bills. I had access to her bank account as a joint signer so I had all of her statements. During that time not a single payment had been made to any doctors. There were a lot of charges for new shoes, new clothes, tanning salons etc. At that same time I brought up the subject of her car and her 401K, Looking back I really should have seen the light. Because it was the ONLY time through out the process that she got emotional. She angrily screamed at me "If you try to screw me out of MY car and MY retirement, there will be NOTHIG, NOTHING between us!" Again, stupidly, I caved. She knew I was hoping for reconciliation and she used that against me to get half the equity in our house. Looking back I was such a Nice Guy.


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## MovingForward

Ynot said:


> Early in the process I discovered that she had completely drained an account we had set up for our daughters wedding. One day she came to me to ask to take $1500 from a small saving account I had in a CU for a deposit and first months rent on an apartment. I stupidly said OK as I figured she would probably be getting this anyways. Later I started thinking about it. So I checked this account and she had nickel and dimed it to the tune of over $2000 in just a few weeks. When I confronted her, she claimed to have paid doctor bills. I had access to her bank account as a joint signer so I had all of her statements. During that time not a single payment had been made to any doctors. There were a lot of charges for new shoes, new clothes, tanning salons etc. At that same time I brought up the subject of her car and her 401K, Looking back I really should have seen the light. Because it was the ONLY time through out the process that she got emotional. She angrily screamed at me "If you try to screw me out of MY car and MY retirement, there will be NOTHIG, NOTHING between us!" Again, stupidly, I caved. *She knew I was hoping for reconciliation and she used that against me to get half the equity in our house*. Looking back I was such a Nice Guy.


We should get a bunch of us on here and put our ideas together and write a book 'how to not get screwed in divorce' LOL.

Like I said though lucky for me she was so eager and desperate to move on it that financially it all worked in my favor, she could have demanded more alimony and for longer and she took her brand new car debt and left me with my almost paid off 3 year old car. She has always been this way and acts impulsively without thinking through consequences and that is why I worry, the new guy she is with luckily has money and does not need the money I paid her so hoping he will not do anything to stop her buying a place or make those funds go away.

I think part of me worries about her also because of the kids so maybe subconsciously worry about her also, it is a concern if she moves in with him and does not work out that she will have nowhere to go, it is a concern if she somehow gets scammed out of the house equity she will be unable to get anything in the area or forced to rent a less than desirable place or just hook up with someone who will look after her because she becomes trapped or desperate!! I just do not want my children to be involved in any of this.


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## sokillme

It's good to have empathy but don't project your thinking on to her. I think a lot of times projecting ones thoughts onto ones spouse is part of what gets people married and then blindsided by people like your wife in the first place. She may be totally fine with what she did. When you read unfiltered comments from cheaters even after the fact they still romanticize their affairs and act like they lost some powerful profound love. They really don't think the way you think a decent person would, it's how they can do something so terrible in the first place. Most don't even think about the waste they lay in their selfishness. There is no introspection. People are just bit players in their lives. 

Also don't assume this was a exit affair in the sense that she decided to blow it all up in such a way that there would be no turning back. I don't think she put that much thought into it, because look what she accepted. Nah this was about her being selfish she just didn't care what would happen to you. You have wasted a lot of time on her you shouldn't waste much more. She is not thinking about your pain I bet.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

STOP. Seriously. She is not your problem. If she wanted out so bad that she was willing to take a loss good for you!

She made her adult choices, choices that stabbed you in the back and broke up the family. If her boyfriend is stupid enough to let her leech off of him that is fine. They deserve each other. 

Remind your children it's their mother's responsibility to worry and take care of them, not the other way around. She is an able bodied adult and her self inflicted chaos must not be your children's concern.That is so unfair to them in so many ways. 

She made her bed. She sleeps in it. Your children ask remind them of that. That means she loses all her money and lives in a tent ohh well. She has no one to blame but herself. No one put a gun to her head. 

You and your children should concern themselves with you providing a stable home so they can grow up to be confident, mature responsible adults and your children acting accordingly.


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## MovingForward

sokillme said:


> It's good to have empathy but don't project your thinking on to her. I think a lot of times projecting ones thoughts onto ones spouse is part of what gets people married and then blindsided by people like your wife in the first place. She may be totally fine with what she did. When you read unfiltered comments from cheaters even after the fact they still romanticize their affairs and act like they lost some powerful profound love. They really don't think the way you think a decent person would, it's how they can do something so terrible in the first place. Most don't even think about the waste they lay in their selfishness. There is no introspection. People are just bit players in their lives.
> 
> Also don't assume this was a exit affair in the sense that she decided to blow it all up in such a way that there would be no turning back. I don't think she put that much thought into it, because look what she accepted. Nah this was about her being selfish she just didn't care what would happen to you. You have wasted a lot of time on her you shouldn't waste much more. She is not thinking about your pain I bet.





Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> STOP. Seriously. She is not your problem. If she wanted out so bad that she was willing to take a loss good for you!
> 
> She made her adult choices, choices that stabbed you in the back and broke up the family. If her boyfriend is stupid enough to let her leech off of him that is fine. They deserve each other.
> 
> Remind your children it's their mother's responsibility to worry and take care of them, not the other way around. She is an able bodied adult and her self inflicted chaos must not be your children's concern.That is so unfair to them in so many ways.
> 
> She made her bed. She sleeps in it. Your children ask remind them of that. That means she loses all her money and lives in a tent ohh well. She has no one to blame but herself. No one put a gun to her head.
> 
> You and your children should concern themselves with you providing a stable home so they can grow up to be confident, mature responsible adults and your children acting accordingly.


All good points, I know she probably does not care at this moment and i am fully aware she did not care about me or think about me at all when she decided to do it, i meant nothing and she could have stabbed me in the back to get what she wanted and in a way feel she did just that, she played on my emotions, she lied, manipulated and played me and i was like led like a little puppy.

I don't know why I think like this when I know I shouldn't but its just a recurrence in my head that I cannot explain and bothers me. My girlfriend is amazing, life is good, I am happy so I do not understand why I think about this when i should just enjoy what I have and forget about the past.


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## Cooper

My only advise would be to never let empathy turn into her taking advantage of you, many people become very good at playing the victim card to their benefit. As someone posted earlier she isn't your problem, honestly one of the most liberating things I said to my ex soon after our divorce was "I don't care, you are no longer my responsibility".


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## sokillme

MovingForward said:


> All good points, I know she probably does not care at this moment and i am fully aware she did not care about me or think about me at all when she decided to do it, i meant nothing and she could have stabbed me in the back to get what she wanted and in a way feel she did just that, she played on my emotions, she lied, manipulated and played me and i was like led like a little puppy.
> 
> I don't know why I think like this when I know I shouldn't but its just a recurrence in my head that I cannot explain and bothers me. My girlfriend is amazing, life is good, I am happy so I do not understand why I think about this when i should just enjoy what I have and forget about the past.


Worse she probably blames you for her situation. You are wasting energy save it for someone loyal.


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## SunCMars

Ynot said:


> What you are feeling is completely normal IMO. My divorce happened even faster than yours. She left me towards the end of August. By mid September I was living a 125 miles away. By early November our marriage was officially dissolved only because of the state mandated waiting period and the time it took to finish and file paperwork. I was blind sided by it all and tried to "nice" her by being overly generous (not involving the equity in her paid in full 1 y/o car or her 401K in the settlement) I left a lot on the table.
> The end came about because of a completely planned series of events. She knew which buttons to press to get the reactions she wanted in order to justify what she did. In the end she ended up poisoning what little remained between us. To date she has yet to even acknowledge what she did. She lied to me and to my children. She made no effort to think of anyone but herself. I too would like to think she could have handled things like an adult rather than like a high school drama queen. But she chose the alternative so there is nothing that can be done about that.
> After my divorce I readily admit to being devastated and floundering. I had no plan, I had no sense of being. I probably would have killed myself if I had known that anyone other than my daughter would have found my body. Now things are much much better for me. I am happier and actually feel a sense of gratitude that she did what I was unable or unwilling to do. I do feel bad for her. *I do not think she will ever find happiness mainly because I think she is sick. I do not think her actions were those of a healthy person. She left after 24 years of marriage as though she were going to the grocery store.*


...


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## MovingForward

sokillme said:


> Worse she probably blames you for her situation. You are wasting energy save it for someone loyal.


Yeah you just reminded me..............the affair and divorce was my fault LOL.


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## Marc878

Nothing wrong with empathy but you didn’t do this. She made that bed. Your well-being or thought was not in her mind. 

Don’t let your guard down around that. You try and play nice around someone who doesn’t you’ll end up getting it stuck up your ass.

Beware. You can not fix her. You could destroy what you have now by trying though.


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## MovingForward

Cooper said:


> My only advise would be to never let empathy turn into her taking advantage of you, many people become very good at playing the victim card to their benefit. As someone posted earlier she isn't your problem, honestly one of the most liberating things I said to my ex soon after our divorce was *"I don't care, you are no longer my responsibility"*.


I like it, never said these exact words but used variances of it ' i dont care its not my issue' I dont care what you do does not concern me' i dont need to worry about your opinion as it does not affect me' 

If we had no kids i wouldn't even know she existed.


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## Marc878

Mr Nice Guy got you walked on. Guard against that.


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## MovingForward

Marc878 said:


> Nothing wrong with empathy but you didn’t do this. She made that bed. Your well-being or thought was not in her mind.
> 
> Don’t let your guard down around that. You try and play nice around someone who doesn’t you’ll end up getting it stuck up your ass.
> 
> Beware. You can not fix her. You could destroy what you have now by trying though.


I'm not trying to fix her and mostly I do not care but from time to time i do have these thoughts, I am really thinking like I mentioned earlier it may be more to do with the children, she is with them 50% of time so a huge influence in there lives. I just dont want her bouncing from place to place and man to man with them I just want her settled and happy so the kids have security and consistency 100% of the time.


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## BobSimmons

Is she really sad or are using this an excuse to feel empathy in a situation that doesn't exist.

The entire context of the post is supposition and hypothesis for stuff that might not even happen at all.

"I feel bad she has lost so many friends, feel bad she is financially going to be much worse off, that she has put all her eggs in one basket on the new guy and if it doesn't work out then her entire world is going to end and I do not think she would be mentally able to cope with it."

Yeah but maybe she's happy, maybe it will work out with the new guy or maybe her world won't end and she'll be mentally able to cope.

You say you're happier then go and live your life. Imagining doomsday scenarios for futures that may not happen will only hold you back.


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## MovingForward

BobSimmons said:


> Is she really sad or are using this an excuse to feel empathy in a situation that doesn't exist.
> 
> The entire context of the post is supposition and hypothesis for stuff that might not even happen at all.
> 
> "I feel bad she has lost so many friends, feel bad she is financially going to be much worse off, that she has put all her eggs in one basket on the new guy and if it doesn't work out then her entire world is going to end and I do not think she would be mentally able to cope with it."
> 
> Yeah but maybe she's happy, maybe it will work out with the new guy or maybe her world won't end and she'll be mentally able to cope.
> 
> You say you're happier then go and live your life. Imagining doomsday scenarios for futures that may not happen will only hold you back.


I am not sure honestly if she is happy or not we dont have contact and I do not know why i feel like this on occasion and if it even exists.

I was just putting down my thoughts and feelings, this is not a daily occurrence.


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## Marc878

Most cannot understand the selfishness, entitlement and lack of empathy because you are not like her.

Make no mistake that is part of who she is.

She doesn’t feel like she owes you a thing. Her past and present actions tell you that.

You don’t matter.

Not understanding who and what she is will just get you continued disappointment


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## Bananapeel

I used to feel sorry for the XW because she really got the short end of the stick. After our divorce she got in a car accident and I let her stay with me and I took care of her while she recovered. However, after about 6-9 months after divorce I stopped feeling sorry for her because by then the feelings of love I had for her had completely withered away. Now I am just neutral to her and only care that she is a good mother to my kids.


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## Ynot

MovingForward said:


> I am not sure honestly if she is happy or not we dont have contact and I do not know why i feel like this on occasion and if it even exists.
> 
> I was just putting down my thoughts and feelings, this is not a daily occurrence.


As I said, this is normal. Falling back into old thought patterns is something that I also allow to happen from time to time. I have been told even that fades as new thought patterns develop. As I have meandered through life I have come face to face with some of the "truisms" my ex applied. I had her on the pedestal and came to believe she must know more than me (continually being told you are wrong to think or feel something tends to do that to you). At times I allow those thoughts back into my head, often to my own detriment. Then when I stop to think about I could kick myself for even entertaining those thoughts.


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## Edmund

MovingForward said:


> Weird post kind off.
> 
> 
> 
> Not all the time but maybe once or twice a month I feel sorry for my XW sometimes for a day or sometimes just a couple hours, usually short lived as an interaction usually just makes me angry and I get over it.
> 
> 
> 
> For anyone who read prior posts she lied to me, met a new guy and then move on with him while telling me I was crazy for thinking there was someone else. My entire Divorce process was fast from filing to Signing only 5 months as she was in such a rush to move on, 12 years marriage and life together gone like that. This mostly all worked in my favor although devastated at the time, my life is better, i am happier and since she left so fast i kept majority of the items in the house, kept the house for a great price, kept majority of the kids items and keeping the family home for the children, financially she could have taken more but didn't and life is genuinely good, she lost most of her friends, killed her reputation and is really isolated although not sure she see's that fully yet but I can tell she has some sadness about how it ended at times.
> 
> 
> 
> It just saddens me that it ended how it did, we did not have the perfect marriage and towards end we were not compatible so a divorce was a way for us both to have a chance of happiness again but I just feel like it all could have been handled differently. We could have slowed it down and ended amicably, we could have kept some relationship to ease stress on the children who want to spend time with both of us, I would have been available to help with stuff and it would have just been better for all. Our current relationship is non existent and it is good for me since I find her toxic and she brings out the worse in me currently but something inside me still almost feels responsible for her.
> 
> 
> 
> I understand her after 12 years and know what she was thinking, I know she felt trapped and unhappy, it was not working and I was never going to end it but I just wish she had gone a different way about it all. I feel bad she has lost so many friends, feel bad she is financially going to be much worse off, that she has put all her eggs in one basket on the new guy and if it doesn't work out then her entire world is going to end and I do not think she would be mentally able to cope with it.
> 
> 
> 
> I am just writing out my thoughts not sure if normal to feel like this or not, I do not want to get with her, I do not want to be married to her but I do not hate her either or wish to see her struggle or fail, she is the mother of my Children so I want and need her to be happy. Seems so weird to say that.
> 
> 
> 
> Did/does anyone else ever have this?



MF I am really disappointed in you in thinking this stuff. What your XW did to you was unspeakably cruel, planned in advance, executed with military precision, and carried out with lies and betrayal. I don’t even know you but I was angry over the way you and especially your kids were treated. All the TAM folks could see what was happening to you. We knew you were being cheated on when she went out, received ultimatum from her AP, thus came back unexpected 10 minutes later and said, “don’t be nice to me” and to file for divorce the very next day. She may have actually been thinking of going slower but was being pushed to rush the D by her POSOM. Yet you still had faith in her right to the end, when it became so obvious that even you couldn’t deny it.

So don’t be thinking about her any more. You don’t want any sort of relationship with her. Trust your kids to tell you if something is wrong while they are with her, that needs your intervention.

What she did was cold hearted and unforgivable.


----------



## sokillme

Dude we are not trying to pile on. I get that you were just kind of writing down your feelings, but I think some of us who can see this situation from the outside are just trying to tell you that you are probably projecting a little bit. And for me my point is that that kind of thinking where you assume your spouse thinks the way you do is dangerous. You don't want to be in the same situation one day. Don't assume anything about anyone, watch their actions. See if they match up to their words. In big things but more importantly in little ones. 

I am just convinced after reading the horrible posts that we do here and on other sites that a lot of times the BS doesn't really have a good sense on who their spouse was because they for whatever reason ignored the warning signs and projecting what they wanted that spouse to be onto them. Now that may not be you but I am just pointing it out.

I would bet money that your ex has always been good at giving you the sob story to manipulate you into doing her bidding. Feeling sorry for herself and entitled is probably her MO. 

Anyway I think we are all just trying to point this stuff out to you.


----------



## DustyDog

I feel sorry for my STBX all the time. Her inability to trust, her inability to enjoy life - who wants anybody to suffer that? On the other hand, I don't feel obligated to be the shield behind which she hides.


----------



## Robbie1234

Cooper said:


> My only advise would be to never let empathy turn into her taking advantage of you, many people become very good at playing the victim card to their benefit. As someone posted earlier she isn't your problem, honestly one of the most liberating things I said to my ex soon after our divorce was "I don't care, you are no longer my responsibility".


This is so true. When I caught my wife cheating for the second time I threw her out of the house (it was originally my parents home,she had no claim on it)and I told her boyfriends wife and she threw him out.
She was fired because her affair partner was her immediate boss and he was fired too. She begged me to take her back but I had already gone through that **** once so I wasn't going to do it again. 
She begged me to forgive her at least, but for a full year I blocked her on everything and then I finally told her she wasn't my problem any more and to find someone else to cheat on. She looks like an old woman and lives in a small apartment alone. I wish I could be like you guys who feel sorry but she put me through hell when the kids were young and I couldn't leave but never again.


----------



## Wolf1974

I know I don’t often say it here but yes I do feel sorry for my XW. No doubt she did me wrong and her demise is of her own doing however I know for a fact that she is alone and that no one will love her the way I once did. I have no doubt she has some severe emotional issues that I could never protect her from. I feel sorry for her life: she has limited friends and no relationship with her family except an inappropriate one with her niece. I can already see the writing on the walls that our daughters are turning from her . She will become the cat lady


----------



## RaisedGarden

I can say at the beginning of the whole divorce, I did fall for her old tricks and felt terribly sorry for her. Her OM left her and quit their job to get away. Her friends and family had abandoned her for what she did. I honestly thought about taking her back in and trying to make it work. Then I remembered what a manipulative creature she is and I knew I would be dealing with it all over again later. I stood my ground and to be honest I am glad I did. Now I just look at her life with disgust and laugh at some of the greatest post relationship hits from the album titled "She ain't my problem no more"

Track#
1. The OM came out of the closet and is living proud with his boyfriends
2. Married a known player who I have been told is bleeding her dry
3. Her god children's parents won't let her near their children after her lies to them and the family
4. She looks like she is 10 years older than her license says
5. She bought a house with her current man for 500k in an area that is going down hill and she will be lucky to get 1/2 when her new marriage inevitably fails
6. She has gone on a number of vacations to the same exact places with same accommodations I had booked and gone on her with. Must be weird "Oh that's whey my first husband got me a coconut.."

I could go on an on, but the smile is starting to hurt.


----------



## MovingForward

RaisedGarden said:


> I can say at the beginning of the whole divorce, I did fall for her old tricks and felt terribly sorry for her. Her OM left her and quit their job to get away. Her friends and family had abandoned her for what she did. I honestly thought about taking her back in and trying to make it work. Then I remembered what a manipulative creature she is and I knew I would be dealing with it all over again later. I stood my ground and to be honest I am glad I did. Now I just look at her life with disgust and laugh at some of the greatest post relationship hits from the album titled "She ain't my problem no more"
> 
> Track#
> 1. The OM came out of the closet and is living proud with his boyfriends
> 2. Married a known player who I have been told is bleeding her dry
> 3. Her god children's parents won't let her near their children after her lies to them and the family
> 4. She looks like she is 10 years older than her license says
> 5. She bought a house with her current man for 500k in an area that is going down hill and she will be lucky to get 1/2 when her new marriage inevitably fails
> 6. She has gone on a number of vacations to the same exact places with same accommodations I had booked and gone on her with. Must be weird "Oh that's whey my first husband got me a coconut.."
> 
> I could go on an on, but the smile is starting to hurt.


LOL @RaisedGarden how long have you been divorced?


----------



## DTO

It's normal to have those feelings. Yes your former partner's fortunes may have taken a hit after you split up, but so what?

I used to be of a mindset where I'd be vulnerable to feeling bad or indebted to my ex, and there is a sizable achievement gap between us since our breakup to make me feel like I should jump-in and do something for her:

* I've rebuilt my career (divorce happened after job loss) where I'll be at six-figures in a few months (and going up substantially from there) whereas my ex has an average income and is topped-out ($20 an hour, and we're in SoCal). I can afford two good cars (and looking for a third, "fun" car just for my pleasure) and do lots of fun stuff, whereas she basically goes straight from work to home and watches Netflix on her off time. But that's not my problem.
* Even with our lifestyle differences, I'll retire at 65 with a paid-off house and 100% of pre-retirement income; she'll struggle indefinitely and likely won't retire comfortably, without a major restructuring of her life. But it's not my problem.
* I have a young, smart, fairly ambitious girlfriend who wants to build a life with me. My ex is now twice-divorced and doesn't have much of a social life. She really feels a lack from not having a partner (both on a practical and emotional level) but with her achievements and expectations will have a hard time finding someone. But it's not my problem.

But then I realize she's as much of an adult as I am, and just as responsible for her success. Also, she (like many/most of us here on TAM) did not treat me well during our marriage and (especially) during the divorce process; why would I feel responsible to someone who tried to gain at my expense?

The bottom line is that every problem I've listed above stems from some action she took or failed to take in our time together. I'm mindful of that, and the sense that I have some responsibility to her just vanishes. I still help her out at times (my kid does still live with her 50%) but it's only when and how I really want to. I have no problem saying "not now" or an outright "no", which is where you need to be.


----------



## Canada75

MovingForward said:


> Weird post kind off.
> 
> Did/does anyone else ever have this?


I have felt this for awhile. It's a weird feeling after what she has done to me and to our family with her lies and deceit. It almost feels like a necessary stage I'm going through. I noticed it in small doses at first but I think it boils down to me slowly falling out of love with her. 

First off she looks old and tired,(I've only ever seen her as being gorgeous) has sever guilt and shame which I can tell from her body language when I do see her. Try's to avoid me like the plague because of said shame and guilt. Never a smile on her face, and can't look me in the eyes for more then a second before slowly lowering her gaze and her head.

It's sad to see her like that, especially after informing me over a year ago how she was happy and wouldn't be moving back in and wanted to go ahead with the divorce. 
I know the POSOM she left me for is still in the picture and finally after a year of playing happy family with him and my son and convincing my son they are only friends, she told him last week they like each other...lol.
It's a combination of her teenager mindset, blowing her life up for a co-worker, giving up our 17 years together, the house her guilt let me have without any equity for her, all the savings she let me keep, giving up 50% of her time with her son, and having to pay me child support.

Midlife crises, walkaway wife, wayward wife, pre-menopause....whatever label that she deserves, she truly seems miserable and depressed. Although I have always felt karma will catch up to her, I also feel kind of bad for her. When the rest of the shine disappears from the POSOM, she will be left paying me child support for the next 8 years, no savings, no house, and will most likely have to leave her job as they work closely. Yes she hurt me beyond belief, but unlike her I have compassion and empathy and feel sorry for what her life has become.


----------



## MovingForward

Today no longer feeling sorry for XW, today I feel rage and hatred towards her.

She won, she got away with a ton of cash, richer guy, more money than she has ever had in her life and what seems like a clear conscience and still is disrespectful towards me on a weekly basis.

Basically any time she has a bad day or kids are behaving she messages me like she used to when married and somehow it becomes my fault/problem etc. There are two modes I go into when this happens, I laugh to myself and ignore or I get pissed and throw abuse back and we argue and I get really mad and frustrated since she is unreasonable and impossible to get through to so it seems like she wins again.

This is not a daily occurrence 90% of the time life is good, i focus on me, what I am doing, my happiness but there are times I get mad about how everything happened and she got away with everything.

Sounds like an evil thing to say but I wanted her to suffer like I did and feel my pain and frustrations,


----------



## farsidejunky

Radio silence.

You know better, MF. Now live better.


----------



## SunCMars

Ynot said:


> I am happier and actually feel a sense of gratitude that she did what I was unable or unwilling to do. I do feel bad for her. I do not think she will ever find happiness mainly because I think she is sick. I do not think her actions were those of a healthy person. She left after 24 years of marriage as though she were going to the grocery store.


I parsed your words that have meaning for me....

She wanted out and knew that you would never be the vehicle or the means to this ending, your divorce.
She wanted what she wanted and 'Threw Caution to the Wind'.

She set fire to her past and to any bridges back home.
Some call this cowardice, madness, I call this extreme..

Extreme resolve, almost suicide.

Actually, did commit suicide. 
She killed the old her. The old Mommy, the other woman who shared your life and your bed. Killed the other woman who kissed your lips and took into her heart your sperm.

She killed that women.
A day, a month, a year at a time.

She too fell for that Wanderlust, that I so oft espouse. She was meant to live at least two lives, maybe more. Her life is a variable equation, under a mutable spell. Not fixed in space, nor in life.
She has been taken over by a spell, one so complete, the other dis-spelled. Unwritten, forgotten. 

Yes, you wish she has some remorse, she longing for those 'old' days with you in her life. 
These thoughts help YOU cope, not so much, if at all, she.

She may be sick. But she may have just morphed, the mutable in her going off on some tangent. Away from you and the past.

She may not be sick, a lick. Just done with the phase of life that was you and your child. 

These things happen. They devastate the 'fixed' men and women in life.
They reinvigorate the mutable, the Ulysses minded folks. 

She is just being normal, in a multi-faceted Sentience, life is varied, fast moving, appears chaotic.
Or she is indeed sick. Her brain unraveling, as they sometimes do.

Oh, she is being influenced by forces without. Of that, I have no doubt. It is the mutable, that recast their lives, their role in the play.


----------



## TAMAT

MF,

You wrote, *Sounds like an evil thing to say but I wanted her to suffer like I did and feel my pain and frustrations, *

Then lay low, when she messages be supportive and understanding, be the person she wanted you to be before admit fault this is a long game. In time she will start to hate or grow indifferent to the OM when something happens and may rebond to you, this may be after she marries him. Save all the correspondence send it in a neat PDF file to the OM.

In the meanwhile about the OM we know he is bound to cheat on your W in time, and you need to be there to bust him, possibly you can get the OWH to do the busting for you, it will be worth your hiring a PI to do this. 

Tamat


----------



## MovingForward

TAMAT said:


> MF,
> 
> You wrote, *Sounds like an evil thing to say but I wanted her to suffer like I did and feel my pain and frustrations, *
> 
> Then lay low, when she messages be supportive and understanding, be the person she wanted you to be before admit fault this is a long game. In time she will start to hate or grow indifferent to the OM when something happens and may rebond to you, this may be after she marries him. Save all the correspondence send it in a neat PDF file to the OM.
> 
> In the meanwhile about the OM we know he is bound to cheat on your W in time, and you need to be there to bust him, possibly you can get the OWH to do the busting for you, it will be worth your hiring a PI to do this.
> 
> Tamat


I do not want her to rebound to me, I just want to be able to have nothing to do with her ever, I want to cut all ties but I am court ordered to still financially support her with Spousal support, my child support despite 50/50 custody is large and she is living rent free with new man so it just frustrates me how she gets to chill and take my money, bank a load of cash and be happy when I had to go through hell and still have another 2 years of payments on top of her trying to inconvenience me with the kids constantly


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

MovingForward said:


> Today no longer feeling sorry for XW, today I feel rage and hatred towards her.
> 
> She won, she got away with a ton of cash, richer guy, more money than she has ever had in her life and what seems like a clear conscience and still is disrespectful towards me on a weekly basis.
> 
> Basically any time she has a bad day or kids are behaving she messages me like she used to when married and somehow it becomes my fault/problem etc. There are two modes I go into when this happens, I laugh to myself and ignore or I get pissed and throw abuse back and we argue and I get really mad and frustrated since she is unreasonable and impossible to get through to so it seems like she wins again.
> 
> This is not a daily occurrence 90% of the time life is good, i focus on me, what I am doing, my happiness but there are times I get mad about how everything happened and she got away with everything.
> 
> Sounds like an evil thing to say but I wanted her to suffer like I did and feel my pain and frustrations,


Do not tolerate her disrespect.

Dude, ignore the small nonsense that she uses to engage you. Then the second she starts her over the top crap just text her that she is a cheating, lying gold digging skank who banged her boss for a promotion breaking up a family in the process and that you will spend the rest of your natural life making sure your children do not emulate her behavior or get involved with those who do. 

Remind her that even worms have a mother. She certainly gets no accolades in that department nor as a loyal wife. 

Keep the above in a easy place to copy / paste. Let her read that 10,000 times from you. She will stop trying to use you as her emotional tampon.


----------



## Marc878

MovingForward said:


> Today no longer feeling sorry for XW, today I feel rage and hatred towards her.
> 
> She won, she got away with a ton of cash, richer guy, more money than she has ever had in her life and what seems like a clear conscience and still is disrespectful towards me on a weekly basis.
> 
> Basically any time she has a bad day or kids are behaving she messages me like she used to when married and somehow it becomes my fault/problem etc. There are two modes I go into when this happens, I laugh to myself and ignore or *I get pissed and throw abuse back and we argue and I get really mad and frustrated since she is unreasonable and impossible to get through to so it seems like she wins again.*
> 
> All this does is give her control over you. Like Far said you know better.
> 
> This is not a daily occurrence 90% of the time life is good, i focus on me, what I am doing, my happiness but there are times I get mad about how everything happened and she got away with everything.
> 
> Sounds like an evil thing to say but I wanted her to suffer like I did and feel my pain and frustrations,


You don't cut off all unneeded communication you'll just stay tied up in this. 

Silence hurts them more. Make her a non entity


----------



## bandit.45

MovingForward said:


> I do have anger at times but mostly because she does not acknowledge what she did. I do not dwell or think about it but when she tries to be friendly i close up and back away, she needs to acknowledge what she did before i will ever be able to speak to her.


Because in her mind the marriage was over so she was free to hook up with another man and lie to you about it before things were fully settled. In the end she is simply just a liar and coward. Don't feel guilty about her character shortcomings.


----------



## Ynot

SunCMars said:


> I parsed your words that have meaning for me....
> 
> She wanted out and knew that you would never be the vehicle or the means to this ending, your divorce.
> She wanted what she wanted and 'Threw Caution to the Wind'.
> 
> She set fire to her past and to any bridges back home.
> Some call this cowardice, madness, I call this extreme..
> 
> Extreme resolve, almost suicide.
> 
> Actually, did commit suicide.
> She killed the old her. The old Mommy, the other woman who shared your life and your bed. Killed the other woman who kissed your lips and took into her heart your sperm.
> 
> She killed that women.
> A day, a month, a year at a time.
> 
> She too fell for that Wanderlust, that I so oft espouse. She was meant to live at least two lives, maybe more. Her life is a variable equation, under a mutable spell. Not fixed in space, nor in life.
> She has been taken over by a spell, one so complete, the other dis-spelled. Unwritten, forgotten.
> 
> Yes, you wish she has some remorse, she longing for those 'old' days with you in her life.
> These thoughts help YOU cope, not so much, if at all, she.
> 
> She may be sick. But she may have just morphed, the mutable in her going off on some tangent. Away from you and the past.
> 
> She may not be sick, a lick. Just done with the phase of life that was you and your child.
> 
> These things happen. They devastate the 'fixed' men and women in life.
> They reinvigorate the mutable, the Ulysses minded folks.
> 
> She is just being normal, in a multi-faceted Sentience, life is varied, fast moving, appears chaotic.
> Or she is indeed sick. Her brain unraveling, as they sometimes do.
> 
> Oh, she is being influenced by forces without. Of that, I have no doubt. It is the mutable, that recast their lives, their role in the play.


All I can say in reply is that I am trying to not be a "fixed" man. I trying to be that mutable man. I have thought long and hard about what happened to me and about her. I have not achieved the point of being "OK" and accepting of what has happened. But I am getting there.


----------



## trying2212

I don't post much here because as a WS, I have been seen as the embodiment of evil incarnate along with the rest of the WS out there (and to be fair, what I did to my husband was selfish and thoughtless and I can obviously not understand the full depth of the hurt it has caused him since DDay. I am in no way trying to insinuate that I don't understand the sentiments that BS have about WS and tend to project on everyone out of the deep, deep hurts left by their own circumstances.)

But I will say this: I don't know your wife or the specifics of your circumstances. It sounds like she rushed ahead with D, perhaps because it's easier to convince yourself that the marriage was so bad that you were justified in having an affair to escape the situation. I know I have been there at times over the past several months. It's easier to look yourself in the mirror if you can justify. It's easier, but not easy. At least for me it isnt. 

I have tried to move very slowly though my process because I care deeply for my husband (which probably sounds laughable based on my actions, both real and presumed) and because I care deeply for my children. Say what you want about my poor judgement (or your wife's) but my guess is that it's a minority of women who have affairs that would say they legitimately just hated their husbands. More frequently, I believe, women back themselves into corners and don't know how to get out of them. Or they feel starved for attention or affection or intimacy or whatever (whether it's a fair feeling or not). And sometimes we just make stupid, selfish, immoral choices without really thinking through the consequences. 

Our self image is shattered (as well it should be) and the only way forward is, well, forward. My guess is that your wife, if not now, will feel remorse. She will start to regret her choices, whether she is happy with her OM or not. She will question how she did something she never thought herself capable of to someone she loved (even if there were problems in the marriage before A) and wonder if, as the saying (possibly too broadly) goes: once a cheater, always a cheater. And when that day comes, you may be glad if you ignore some of the advice here, for the sake of your kids, if nobody else.

I am only separated from my husband (by mutual decision) and I know how hard the road toward possible divorce and co parenting is. You don't want to stay enemies with your XW forever. Your kids don't want that. There may be a lot of animosity between the two of you, but letting it go may be really healthy for both of you. Not forgiving the affair, not agreeing to take care of her, but, as I read somewhere recently, getting to a state of benign indifference. But feel sad for her if you feel sad for her. You, presumably, had some good years and you have kids together. It's natural that your response would be born out of years of love and shared history, regardless of how things ended. It's okay to be human. It's okay to feel compassion. I actually think it takes more strength to do that than to think only horrible things about your ex. 

As I said, I am just a WS. My opinion may not mean much and my circumstance may be very different than yours. But whether or not you have a best friend relationship post-divorce or not, it's okay to feel compassion for your XW. She is human and so are you, whether or not you made different decisions under the same circumstances. Just my .02. Hoping the best for you and yours, however the process goes.

ETA: after reading your last post, I would have to agree that if communication is breaking down between you, best not to engage. My H and I fight more now than we ever have before (and it has been really good for us) but when communication breaks down to anger and disrespect, on either side, we take a break for a few days and just communicate about the kids, something we can usually agree on and connect over. But don't get sucked into the drama. Emotions are high all around and it won't help anyone to stay in a toxic cycle. You are divorced, both with a fresh start. Seek the benign indifference and see if your co parenting relationship improves over time.


----------



## Diana7

MovingForward said:


> Today no longer feeling sorry for XW, today I feel rage and hatred towards her.
> 
> She won, she got away with a ton of cash, richer guy, more money than she has ever had in her life and what seems like a clear conscience and still is disrespectful towards me on a weekly basis.
> 
> Basically any time she has a bad day or kids are behaving she messages me like she used to when married and somehow it becomes my fault/problem etc. There are two modes I go into when this happens, I laugh to myself and ignore or I get pissed and throw abuse back and we argue and I get really mad and frustrated since she is unreasonable and impossible to get through to so it seems like she wins again.
> 
> This is not a daily occurrence 90% of the time life is good, i focus on me, what I am doing, my happiness but there are times I get mad about how everything happened and she got away with everything.
> 
> Sounds like an evil thing to say but I wanted her to suffer like I did and feel my pain and frustrations,


Please never react, its what she wants, and can you tell her that on no account is she to contact you unless its specifically to do with the children?


----------



## SunCMars

Ynot said:


> All I can say in reply is that I am trying to not be a "fixed" man. I trying to be that mutable man. I have thought long and hard about what happened to me and about her. I have not achieved the point of being "OK" and accepting of what has happened. But I am getting there.


If you are fixed, you cannot be mutable.
You can only be wiser, slightly more convertible.
..........................................................................................................................

I always liked 57 Chevy convertibles, with a blue printed, super charged 327 in them.
And three on the tree.


----------



## Bananapeel

It seems like every few months my XW will try to viciously attack me via text and I can tell you from experience that the best way to handle that is just ignore her. Only respond to texts about pertinent kid stuff and if she's argumentative then don't respond until she's back to playing nice. What I have realized is that when my XW goes on a rampage it's really because she's unhappy with herself and it has nothing to do with me. Since I took that attitude and completely disengaged from her, the frequency of her attacks have dramatically dropped because there is no satisfaction in sending a barrage of ignored texts.


----------



## 2arebetter

trying2212 said:


> I don't post much here because as a WS, I have been seen as the embodiment of evil incarnate along with the rest of the WS out there (and to be fair, what I did to my husband was selfish and thoughtless and I can obviously not understand the full depth of the hurt it has caused him since DDay. I am in no way trying to insinuate that I don't understand the sentiments that BS have about WS and tend to project on everyone out of the deep, deep hurts left by their own circumstances.)
> 
> But I will say this: I don't know your wife or the specifics of your circumstances. It sounds like she rushed ahead with D, perhaps because it's easier to convince yourself that the marriage was so bad that you were justified in having an affair to escape the situation. I know I have been there at times over the past several months. It's easier to look yourself in the mirror if you can justify. It's easier, but not easy. At least for me it isnt.
> 
> I have tried to move very slowly though my process because I care deeply for my husband (which probably sounds laughable based on my actions, both real and presumed) and because I care deeply for my children. Say what you want about my poor judgement (or your wife's) but my guess is that it's a minority of women who have affairs that would say they legitimately just hated their husbands. More frequently, I believe, women back themselves into corners and don't know how to get out of them. Or they feel starved for attention or affection or intimacy or whatever (whether it's a fair feeling or not). And sometimes we just make stupid, selfish, immoral choices without really thinking through the consequences.
> 
> Our self image is shattered (as well it should be) and the only way forward is, well, forward. My guess is that your wife, if not now, will feel remorse. She will start to regret her choices, whether she is happy with her OM or not. She will question how she did something she never thought herself capable of to someone she loved (even if there were problems in the marriage before A) and wonder if, as the saying (possibly too broadly) goes: once a cheater, always a cheater. And when that day comes, you may be glad if you ignore some of the advice here, for the sake of your kids, if nobody else.
> 
> I am only separated from my husband (by mutual decision) and I know how hard the road toward possible divorce and co parenting is. You don't want to stay enemies with your XW forever. Your kids don't want that. There may be a lot of animosity between the two of you, but letting it go may be really healthy for both of you. Not forgiving the affair, not agreeing to take care of her, but, as I read somewhere recently, getting to a state of benign indifference. But feel sad for her if you feel sad for her. You, presumably, had some good years and you have kids together. It's natural that your response would be born out of years of love and shared history, regardless of how things ended. It's okay to be human. It's okay to feel compassion. I actually think it takes more strength to do that than to think only horrible things about your ex.
> 
> As I said, I am just a WS. My opinion may not mean much and my circumstance may be very different than yours. But whether or not you have a best friend relationship post-divorce or not, it's okay to feel compassion for your XW. She is human and so are you, whether or not you made different decisions under the same circumstances. Just my .02. Hoping the best for you and yours, however the process goes.
> 
> ETA: after reading your last post, I would have to agree that if communication is breaking down between you, best not to engage. My H and I fight more now than we ever have before (and it has been really good for us) but when communication breaks down to anger and disrespect, on either side, we take a break for a few days and just communicate about the kids, something we can usually agree on and connect over. But don't get sucked into the drama. Emotions are high all around and it won't help anyone to stay in a toxic cycle. You are divorced, both with a fresh start. Seek the benign indifference and see if your co parenting relationship improves over time.


This in incredible! Your words could have been my wife's words.

For the OP, I am worried I'll be in your shoes some day. I hope its the mark of a good person to not lose all feelings for someone you spent a lot of your life with even if they put you through their worst.


----------



## MovingForward

2arebetter said:


> This in incredible! Your words could have been my wife's words.
> 
> For the OP, I am worried I'll be in your shoes some day. I hope its the mark of a good person to not lose all feelings for someone you spent a lot of your life with even if they put you through their worst.


The feelings do not last long just a flicker here and their of a fake past.

She has/had some good qualities but I cannot put her above me, I need to be #1 and focus on me and she can look after herself. 

I had really hoped for being able to put everything a side for the kids and work together in a business arrangement but she insists on making it all a competition and just gets in my way and makes my life more inconvenient.


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## MovingForward

trying2212;18998586 [B said:


> *It sounds like she rushed ahead with D, perhaps because it's easier to convince yourself that the marriage was so bad that you were justified in having an affair to escape the situation.*
> [/B]
> My thought are she had a one night stand, I questioned it, she panicked and made the road to start demonizing me and blame shifting.
> 
> *I believe, women back themselves into corners and don't know how to get out of them. Or they feel starved for attention or affection or intimacy or whatever (whether it's a fair feeling or not). And sometimes we just make stupid, selfish, immoral choices without really thinking through the consequences. *
> 
> I was the one who was starved for attention, she was so 'busy and overworked'(I paid all bills and did most house stuff) that she needed time to get out, this time was all the time so me and kids just did everything together. She is just selfish and entitled person but doesn't realize it.
> 
> 
> *I am only separated from my husband (by mutual decision) and I know how hard the road toward possible divorce and co parenting is*. You don't want to stay enemies with your XW forever[/B]. Your kids don't want that. [/B]
> 
> Co-parenting with someone who doesn't care is dam near impossible as they take advantage of you every opportunity.
> *
> There may be a lot of animosity between the two of you, but letting it go may be really healthy for both of you. Not forgiving the affair, not agreeing to take care of her, but, as I read somewhere recently, getting to a state of benign indifference. But feel sad for her if you feel sad for her.You, presumably, had some good years and you have kids together. It's natural that your response would be born out of years of love and shared history, regardless of how things ended. It's okay to be human. It's okay to feel compassion. I actually think it takes more strength to do that than to think only horrible things about your ex.*
> 
> I do not even care about her or the affair but I have forgotten entirely about any good years we had, I honestly do not remember any, I also do not have a single picture left of us together or us together with the kids, as far as I am concerned that family doesn't and never existed in my eyes.
> 
> When I first wrote this post I was at a moment where I cared, the more I hear from her the less I care, she has almost succeeded in killing and finalizing any type of relationship ever again, she is just running out of chances. I don't even talk to her face to face anymore, she can try to speak to me on one of her nice minutes and i can do nothing but glare at her or look straight through her and dont say a word back.
> 
> Tip for you, if you care about your husband and kids then expect some hurt to spill out from him, be as good a parent as you can be, do not bad mouth him to the children or criticize his parenting, do not make his life more difficult, do not try and extort him every chance you get, be respectful and hope once he gets over it you can co-parent and put the kids first.


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## trying2212

I’m sorry. I can hear the hurt in your response. It sounds like our situations are very different, though even with the differences and the fact that we are strangers I can truly say I’m sorry because the hurt is still pretty evident. And it sucks. It sucks to feel like you had more of a reason to feel dissatisfied in your marriage but stayed the course. It sucks to be dragged into a sucky situation by someone else’s bad choices. I appreciate your advice and trust me, I am the one trying to encourage my H to express some hurt, to differentiate himself enough to understand that this A isn’t something that can be forgotten because it’s more comfortable to sweep it away and get back to the stability of what we had (which is gone now, and probably for the best.) Our issue is not one of extortion or bad mouthing, it’s one of still caring too much about each other. I still want to take care of him (which he also wants) but I also want a relationship that reciprocates that meaningfully (which he admits he doesn’t know how to do yet.) so for us, it’s a big swing the other way. We can’t let go but we haven’t learned how to be married healthfully. I am sorry you have lost the good memories, though sometimes I think it would be easier to figure out getting out of the in between if we could forget ours. At any rate, I think it’s a shame to lose the good stuff because, for us at least, the good stuff was really good (though somewhat inconsistent based on our own unhealthy patterns of relating to one another.) Even though that family doesn’t exist anymore for you, know that it did for your kids and to forget it completely is to negate their experiences. Which is such a fine line to walk. I know I can’t say anything to change your situation, but I will say I’m sorry. However you feel about you XW, none of it is easy anymore. For anyone. Hoping the best for all of you.


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## Taxman

Moving Forward.
In my experience there is a subset of people who self justify their actions whether good or bad, the justification is where they hang their hat, and will not be convinced otherwise. It is an earmark of people who compartmentalize. She justified what she did to you, and will be no where near remorse. She will regret like hell, not taking you for more money, not getting more out. But, she had her parachute packed and ready to go. From that standpoint, whatever she did to you at the end of the marriage was calculated to cut you off at the knees, and grind you down. I have had this talk with a good number of people. Infidelity is not always a factor, BUT the so called emotional flatness is always a factor. The betrayed spouse is always left questioning what went wrong, and my response is that nothing you did precipitated these heinous actions. Someone has to have this ability in their heart, and I always encourage the spouse that is left behind to view this as a symptom of a disease that the leaving spouse has, and it is best to be far away from someone who is diseased.

The secondary thing is that the spouse who was left behind, generally finds a new and better relationship within several months. It seems almost Karmic in how often this happens (maybe it is because my partners and I are "yentas", and have been known to fix our clients up with new partners.)


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## MovingForward

trying2212 said:


> I’m sorry. I can hear the hurt in your response. It sounds like our situations are very different, though even with the differences and the fact that we are strangers I can truly say I’m sorry because the hurt is still pretty evident. And it sucks. It sucks to feel like you had more of a reason to feel dissatisfied in your marriage but stayed the course. It sucks to be dragged into a sucky situation by someone else’s bad choices. I appreciate your advice and trust me, I am the one trying to encourage my H to express some hurt, to differentiate himself enough to understand that this A isn’t something that can be forgotten because it’s more comfortable to sweep it away and get back to the stability of what we had (which is gone now, and probably for the best.) Our issue is not one of extortion or bad mouthing, it’s one of still caring too much about each other. I still want to take care of him (which he also wants) but I also want a relationship that reciprocates that meaningfully (which he admits he doesn’t know how to do yet.) so for us, it’s a big swing the other way. We can’t let go but we haven’t learned how to be married healthfully. I am sorry you have lost the good memories, though sometimes I think it would be easier to figure out getting out of the in between if we could forget ours. At any rate, I think it’s a shame to lose the good stuff because, for us at least, the good stuff was really good (though somewhat inconsistent based on our own unhealthy patterns of relating to one another.) Even though that family doesn’t exist anymore for you, know that it did for your kids and to forget it completely is to negate their experiences. Which is such a fine line to walk. I know I can’t say anything to change your situation, but I will say I’m sorry. However you feel about you XW, none of it is easy anymore. For anyone. Hoping the best for all of you.


It is just alien behavior for me, i dont understand the logic or reasons for it. It is starting to appear she never loved me.


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## Marc878

She may not be capable of love.

Make that “not your problem”


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## MovingForward

Taxman said:


> Moving Forward.
> In my experience there is a subset of people who self justify their actions whether good or bad, the justification is where they hang their hat, and will not be convinced otherwise. It is an earmark of people who compartmentalize. She justified what she did to you, and will be no where near remorse. She will regret like hell, not taking you for more money, not getting more out. But, she had her parachute packed and ready to go. From that standpoint, whatever she did to you at the end of the marriage was calculated to cut you off at the knees, and grind you down. I have had this talk with a good number of people. Infidelity is not always a factor, BUT the so called emotional flatness is always a factor. The betrayed spouse is always left questioning what went wrong, and my response is that nothing you did precipitated these heinous actions. Someone has to have this ability in their heart, and I always encourage the spouse that is left behind to view this as a symptom of a disease that the leaving spouse has, and it is best to be far away from someone who is diseased.
> 
> *The secondary thing is that the spouse who was left behind, generally finds a new and better relationship within several months.* It seems almost Karmic in how often this happens (maybe it is because my partners and I are "yentas", and have been known to fix our clients up with new partners.)


I agree she thinks she is/was the wronged one.

I am in a great relationship currently or it seems that way, maybe my last was so bad that any one would seem better,


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## bandit.45

MovingForward said:


> I agree *she thinks she is/was the wronged one*.
> 
> I am in a great relationship currently or it seems that way, maybe my last was so bad that any one would seem better,


I think we have all known people like this...both men and women. 

We had a family friend when I was a kid: a lady who my dad knew, and she was just like this. She burned through four husbands and each one of them, according to her, was a snake in the grass and no good. She never had anything good to say about any of them. Well it just so happens I knew two of them and they were both stellar, stand-up guys. 

She was just a miserable human being. No kids. She smoked like a blast furnace, gambled all her money away, and was fat and gross... and blamed all her problems on her ex husbands, her siblings and anyone else who had something to do with her existence on earth. My dad told me that when she died her older brother didn't even hold services for her because no one would have come anyway. They buried her three days after she died. It also turned out that she owed the county ten years worth of unpaid property taxes and had gambling debts somewhere in the range of $30k, so her brother didn't even make anything off the sale of her house.


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