# As the end gets closer, I'm dreading living alone



## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

I came here to post about this and then saw this thread. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-a...ing-able-see-your-kids-lot-after-divorce.html

Very similar but I didn't want to hijack so I figured I'd start my own thread.

I filed in February and expect it to be final in the next month or so. I don't plan on moving out until after Christmas but I find I'm really dreading it. We separated for 10 months so I know all too well what it will be like. There is SO much activity in my house on a daily basis that the quiet of livnig alone is going to kill me. I know all the things about keeping busy, etc. but nothing will replace seeing my children frolicking around the house every day. Even if it's just them watching tv, laughing, outside playing, arguing with each other, whatever.

Almost makes me question whether or not I should go through with this all the way. Besides the kids it's looking like I'm going to end up shelling out 50% of my income every month, losnig my house and it's equity, half my retirement...even the dog and the cat will stay with her.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Sorry I don't recall all of your history but isn't there a limit to how much $ they can take - 30% of your income? 

And isn't your home equity considered in the settlement? i.e. shouldn't you keep the lion's share of retirement if she gets the house?

I realize that is merely logistics and what you are really afraid of is the lonliness. You've been here long enough to know that you need to stay involved, take a part-time job, join some activity clubs, etc. to keep yourself occupied after work. 

Make your new place a HOME, include your kids in bargain hunting. Maybe your new look is cool and eclectic. 

Get a dog or cat or parrot. Something alive at home that is happy to see you. Take up a new hobby or take a class at your local college. Your kids are old enough to skype every night at bedtime - find ways to stay connected when they aren't with you and make your time together special.

Good luck. It's not easy, I'm sure.


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

_Get a dog or cat or parrot. Something alive at home that is happy to see you. Take up a new hobby or take a class at your local college. Your kids are old enough to skype every night at bedtime - find ways to stay connected when they aren't with you and make your time together special._

Great ideas! :iagree:

But I can only imagine how you feel. My kids came with me after the separation and even though they are older and not always home, I can't imagine them not living with me.

Hang in there - it'll be an adjustment.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

It's hard, horrid and at times miserable.

Then something clicks. You get happy in your skin and being happy at being alone. You'll find yourself looking at TV programmes you wanted to watch but never did (I'm still catching up with Downton Abbey Series 2 on DVD! as XH hated period dramas!). Then one day after a day at work, you'll cook a "ping meal" open a beer and smile.

Because you've made a start on your new life!


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

> Sorry I don't recall all of your history but isn't there a limit to how much $ they can take - 30% of your income?
> 
> And isn't your home equity considered in the settlement? i.e. shouldn't you keep the lion's share of retirement if she gets the house?


The limit is 50%. And yes the homes equity is considered as a lump sum alimony payment so it would be adjusted accordingly. Right now (not final yet) with alimony and child support I'd be paying out just under 50%. If they accept my counter offer which I'm sure they won't. She wants alimony for 15 years.

I get what y'all are saying but "staying busy" is just not the same as being with my kids. There is no solution. I know this. It's either live alone or stay married to the woman.

But lord have mercy...if I'm going to have to give her so damn much, why not stay and keep what I have. The laws are SO unfair!!! She's done squat in 22 years to earn ANY alimony.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Beach,

You will come to a point where you actually enjoy your alone time.

Alone does not equal loneliness.

Are you getting 50/50 custody? If not, why?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

To play devil's advocate, she hasn't done squat in 22 years? Why did you stay if she never took care of the kids, the house, the meals, errands, laundry, holidays, social calendar, kids' events and YOU?

Did you mean it's unfair because she didn't hold down a typical job yet had the education/ability to? Because she'll likely not be able to catch up earnings-wise after not being in the work world for so long.

I have almost always worked and I never asked for alimony but I do know from my 2 years as a SAHM I was pretty darn busy doing 'squat' but I also know not every SAHM also cleans, cooks, does laundry, etc..


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> To play devil's advocate, she hasn't done squat in 22 years? Why did you stay if she never took care of the kids, the house, the meals, errands, laundry, holidays, social calendar, kids' events and YOU?
> 
> Did you mean it's unfair because she didn't hold down a typical job yet had the education/ability to? Because she'll likely not be able to catch up earnings-wise after not being in the work world for so long.
> 
> I have almost always worked and I never asked for alimony but I do know from my 2 years as a SAHM I was pretty darn busy doing 'squat' but I also know not every SAHM also cleans, cooks, does laundry, etc..


Don't want to go back down that road as that wasn't the intent of my post but no, she doesn't do ANY of those things. She has a degree but never did anything other than clerical/receptionist type work so it's not a "skill" she lost by being out of the workforce. She could go back to that, no training required. It's way more than that though. I'd be happy to message you the details but I'm sure others on the board are tired of my story.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

That's OK - I get the gist. That IS a bummer. You obviously aren't a guy who didn't acknowledge his SAHM's contributions to the family - she didn't make them.

The short time I was at home I DID do all of those things and continued to do a lot of the when I went back to work. And now I do them all. But I don't take care of the lawn as well as I should. Trimming around trees and flower beds? So THAT's what the weed eater is for!  

Pressure washing the house/walk doesn't happen or doing windows (hasn't been done in 5 years I admit). Car maintenance is a PITA without someone to drop the car off for the day. Now I sit and wait for hours. Ah well - the lack of daily conflict in my life is worth it being a bit imperfect and inconvenient.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> That's OK - I get the gist. That IS a bummer. You obviously aren't a guy who didn't acknowledge his SAHM's contributions to the family - she didn't make them.
> 
> Car maintenance is a PITA without someone to drop the car off for the day. Now I sit and wait for hours. Ah well - the lack of daily conflict in my life is worth it being a bit imperfect and inconvenient.


I hate the car thing as well. I do the same when I can.. 

I never knew my wife never did the laundry until she left and my mother told me that she used to do it. I thought my mom was exaggerating and asked my brother.. He confirmed it.. I was shocked.. She would bring it down the stairs and toss it in the machine, but my mother did all the rest. 

And to think she complained about me for her having the affair.. What a D1ck I was..
You do such stupid things sometimes to keep a marriage regardless of how lost it is.

@BeachGuy

You know there could be an argument made if she is a licensed doctor working as a receptionist, if you get what I mean.. Just because she does not want to work as a doctor it doesn't mean you have to suffer for it. At least there should be wording in your paperwork that would allow you to address this situation if she mysteriously decides to be a doctor right after the divorce is final. 

I have wording that my Ex has to pay me half tolls if she moves out of the area we live in. But there is nothing in the paperwork about me paying her if I move out of the area. 

Maybe look into another lawyer, get a 2nd opinion or a 3rd ?

My friend is in philly and its a 50% state as well for the first 3 years or so. Then it changes up to a lower percentage.

I understand what you mean about the kids.. I wish there was a easy answer for you. 

Maybe just tell your soon to be Ex that you want to see them more. Maybe she will sympathize with you and concede.

But let me tell you the other end of the spectrum. If you want to meet someone else, then you will meet someone else.. I did and it was slow to start but now I need to swat them away and card catalog them. 

My problem is I have my kids with me. I know its retarded problem. I'm not complaining. But my friend who sees his kids every other weekend and Wednesdays can have women over for 10 days out of the 2 week period. 

I can't have sh1t over.. Its either their place or a short stay.. 80 dollars for a short stay.. After a week of dating your going to start have sex several times a week with this person. Do the math and the logistics. 

Plus you actually have the time to build a meaningful relationship. 

I can only see woman on the weekend and maybe 1 day during the week. But I can't sleep over their house because I have kids at home. 

I know its disheartening right now. But as you level out and come to terms with this stuff you will see its okay or at least okay enough to survive it.

Right now everything is doom and gloom for you.. Again been there done that.. I didn't even see myself dating woman and now I am upset I didn't do this when I was younger.

I don't know how old you are but I am 46 and I wish I was 40 just so I can dip into the 30s pools a bit more easily.. 

But I tell you 2nd or 3rd date you're either having sex or talking about having it.

But again once you're at that stage you will be happy you can have a Miss Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Am I the only one on Earth that LIKES living alone? :scratchhead: I am truly an odd person. :rofl:


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Am I the only one on Earth that LIKES living alone? :scratchhead: I am truly an odd person. :rofl:


Do you have younger kids and still like living alone?


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## Mrlonelyhearts (Apr 12, 2012)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Am I the only one on Earth that LIKES living alone? :scratchhead: I am truly an odd person. :rofl:


No and no.

I enjoy having the quiet time, although having more time with my kids would be nice.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Hardtohandle said:


> I don't know how old you are but I am 46 and I wish I was 40 just so I can dip into the 30s pools a bit more easily..


I'll be 51 in a few weeks.


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## Pinkturtle (Apr 5, 2013)

I don't have kids of my own and my brothers and Dad live 600 miles from me. My ex and I did not have children. It does get lonely sometimes. It really didn't change from when we were separated til the final divorce.

I have 2 dogs and they keep me company, keep me on a schedule, and insist on walking at least 1-2 hilly miles everyday. I'm also a member of a church which keeps me busy. Don't give yourself a lot of alone time to relive the past. For me, it only made me feel worse. 

I miss the security of marriage. I'm trying to replace that with building friendships and volunteer work(stuff that makes you feel good about yourself). I just started therapy so maybe that will help with the healing process. 

Try something new like remote control airplanes or building models. This is not an easy journey by any means. I hope I helped.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

BeachGuy said:


> Do you have younger kids and still like living alone?


My kids are 19 and 15. I think I'd love living alone regardless. In fact, one reason I stayed as long as I did with my ex is because I didn't want to raise my kids by myself when they were younger. I liked being a parent more to my kids as they got older. 

I miss my daughter now that she's at college and enjoy having here but we're more like roommates then mother-daughter. When she leaves I miss her but I settle back into my routine fine. 

I don't like living with my son. We fight constantly and stress each other out, which is why he lives with his father now.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

BeachGuy said:


> I'll be 51 in a few weeks.


I'm 50. How old are your kids? They must be at or approaching an age where they are getting independent or have lives/friends that they are busy with, unless you had them later in life. While many hate the idea of their kids getting older and less dependent on them it was something I wanted and appreciate. I don't look upon it as the end of something, but rather a new beginning and stage of life. 

I hated when my kids were very young and dependent on me. During my entire marriage I would go off and "do my own thing". It was one of the conditions I put out when we decided to have kids...that I could retain my hobbies and circle of friends even after we had children. My ex-H agreed but it definitely put a strain on the marriage but for various reasons I didn't trust him enough to give up my life for him and having a family. 

Then I found I hated being tied down. I always have. I should've remained single and if I had to do it again, I would. I love going off on my own and doing my own things. I've traveled alone all over and now, as a divorcee I have a variety of things I do to keep me busy. I go camping, hiking, kayaking. I travel, I go skiing, I go to concerts..all sorts of things. 

In 3 years, when my daughter is graduated from college I have plans to sell everything, pack up my belongings and begin a new life. It's been a dream of mine for decades and I'm finally going to be free to pursue it so I plan to do just that. Then I could be truly alone in life. But I'm not scared or depressed at the thought. I'm looking forward to it. 

My ex used to say that I was meant to be a hermit and he could see me living in a cabin in the middle of nowhere in Alaska. That may very well happen.  

The strange thing is, I'm very sociable as well. I belong to Meetup groups and go out all the time and enjoy my friendships. I'm rather chatty and outgoing and always meet people to talk to and socialize with. My ex husband was always amazed at my ability to be able to engage in conversations with anyone and everyone. 

But I don't actually get CLOSE to many. I'm always ready and quite able to walk away from a relationship and just head off and do my own thing. I guess I don't get too attached. It's a very strange situation. Some would say it's a bad thing to be like this but I find it to be an asset because it gives me the freedom to do what I want when I need to. 

More than anything else in life, I value my freedom. Not getting attached and being independent is good but it has it's costs too.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Beach Guy, my recommendation is that you check out Meetup.com and see what groups would interest you. There are groups for everything, every interest and every way of life. I've belonged to hiking and kayaking meetups and met some really nice people although in recent years I've done most of those activities on my own. 

The "social" meetups are where you meet others who are divorced and looking for friends, potential relationships etc. I just go to socialize and meet friends and have met some really nice people, both male and female. We go to bars, have parties, do dinner..etc. 

Don't sit around in the house feeling sorry for yourself mourning what was. You need to focus on what you can do and look forward to now and in the future. 

I often say that if you continually turn around and look behind while walking forward, it's good way to stumble and fall flat on your face.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Hardtohandle said:


> But I tell you 2nd or 3rd date you're either having sex or talking about having it.


Another reason I'm not interesting in dating. No way am I having sex with anyone on the 2nd or 3rd date. Not happening. That's not me, never has been. I would have to know and trust someone extremely well to have sex with them.

In the 3 years I've been separated and 6 months divorced I have yet to meet anyone I want to sleep with. I had sex with an old friend and don't regret but it was one time only.


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## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

I think a person has got to get in the right frame of mind. You can look at it as time to do things that you couldn't before, and you can focus on the freedom and the start of something new and exciting or you can miserable. 
I have found myself going back to hobbies that I'm passionate about and that really takes the edge off of loneliness.
Another psychological thing I've done is remembering how miserable my time was with the ex especially the last couple of years-living alone does have its benefits!


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Hardtohandle said:


> @BeachGuy
> My problem is I have my kids with me. I know its retarded problem. I'm not complaining. But my friend who sees his kids every other weekend and Wednesdays can have women over for 10 days out of the 2 week period.
> 
> I can't have sh1t over.. Its either their place or a short stay.. 80 dollars for a short stay.. After a week of dating your going to start have sex several times a week with this person. Do the math and the logistics.
> ...


REALLY? You think after seeing someone for a week you're going to be having sex several times a week?!? 

Maybe it's because I do have my daughter full time but unless I'm LIVING with someone I don't see it possible to be having sex several times a week except weekend get-aways and such once it becomes very serious. And especially after seeing someone for a week because one week means one date! Since you are only a year older than I am, I can't think that this is a younger person's perspective. Yikes.

I want to have several REAL dates, some lunches (if possible) some flirtation and then maybe sex. Which would take about 2 months considering I can only date every other weekend and not until a couple dates am I going to be sure enough to book multiple dates in one weekend. 

I need a little more space than that. Heck, there's a house and yard to take care of, and other friends to do things with, too.

Interesting, though.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

I know how to keep busy. The point is I don't want to have to "find new things" or "join groups" right now. I want to be under the same roof as my children (which keeps me busy). And not being there is going to plain suck. And no amount of keeping busy will replace that. But like I said...there is no solution. I either stay where I am or move out. And the closer it gets the sadder I get and the more pissed off I get at her for failing me in this marriage.

Someone asked....my kids are 11 and 14.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

They are at an age where the oldest will soon be driving and can choose to live with you. Is that a possibility? Or a week on/week off?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

BeachGuy said:


> The point is I don't want to have to "find new things" or "join groups" right now.


Then don't. Maybe you can do the things that you already do more. It will be an adjustment but with time, will be ok.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hardtohandle said:


> I don't know how old you are but I am 46 and I wish I was 40 just so I can dip into the 30s pools a bit more easily..


What do you mean by "the 30s pools?" 



Hardtohandle said:


> But I tell you 2nd or 3rd date you're either having sex or talking about having it.


Or not...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> REALLY? You think after seeing someone for a week you're going to be having sex several times a week?!?
> 
> I want to have several REAL dates, some lunches (if possible) some flirtation and then maybe sex.


:iagree:


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> They are at an age where the oldest will soon be driving and can choose to live with you. Is that a possibility? Or a week on/week off?


A year ago I would've said absolutely she'd be staying with me most of the time. But in the past year, my relationship with her has changed. Not in a bad way. She just doesn't hang out with me like she used to. So now I don't know what she'd prefer.

The other one I have a great close relationship with. But she's a real momma's girl and would be hesitent to even spending the night at my place after I moved out. She's very admanent that she does not want daddy moving anywhere.

Neither one of them really understand the reasons I want a divorce. They're just too young still.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

The younger one will come around. She'll miss you and she'll have her sister there.

The older one will obviously want to spend more and more time with friends. That is going to happen regardless of a divorce. But you can make your house fun for her to invite her friends over even on her weekends with you. You'll get a lot of insight that way, too - kids forget their voices carry or they'll let their guards down and you'll start hearing conversations about school or boys.

Girls love their daddies.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

When I first split I went from seeing my kids all the time, to half time for 6 weeks, to standard visitation for about 3 months.

I thought I was going to die.

If you stay active you will adapt much quicker than you think. Just don't mope around the house, because then you will spin into a depression.

You can't control what you can't control, don't dwell on it. Make the best of the situation. Use your free time to volunteer, that way you will feel good about your alone time instead of it being depressing. Turn the negative into a positive, it will also have the side effect of modeling a healthy attitude to your children in the middle of a hardship.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I hate living alone too. I spend a lot of time at my mothers! My condo sit empty a lot which is sad and silly I know.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Repeating what a few have already posted, but...fill your time. That was one of the best life lessons I learned in Army Basic Training many years ago. If your day is filled, even with dumb shyte like digging/filling holes, you cut down on the time in which you sit there and think about how miserable you are.

Interests, hobbies, friends, volunteer, etc...just do something.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Take the time to get in the best physical shape you can.


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