# Checking in – On the right track?



## BettyBoop (Apr 2, 2012)

Hello again, thanks you for all your help and concern. Perhaps, one day I will help someone else with my experience, for right now I just need this so much and so glad you are here. 

H finally gave me the e-mail address and password he used with OW. I read it all 4yrs worth and the ones on the ‘sent folder’ as well. It was difficult to read but not as bad as what I had in my imagination. And at times, I almost felt sorry for her. So that leaves me with the question. What was in his heart to use person like that? This individual is not the H that I know. Now I know how sneaky he can be. He has told me a whole lot and of course, swears to never do it again. But I will never be that trusting again, not ever. So what should I do with all this info from the inbox? Should I erase it, save it? 

He will write the NC letter this weekend. I will have it certified and send it by certified mail. From her letters I found out she knows the law well and will use it if she can. We are using the sample NC letter from “Newbie” and adding that if there is any more contact that we will be getting a restraining order. 

I am not able to find the VAR locally, they all say digital. Please tell me how that works because I def want to use it. I have his personal blackberry and I can install a gps/tracking device and give it back to him. 

I have forgiven him but I am still not sure if I will stay with him. I feel he has crossed a line that perhaps there is no turning back. He swears he is glad to be rid with her and excited to get our lives back together again, and when he is saying it, it sounds sincere; but as many of you say, only time will tell. One of you said that the affair was not my fault. I know that, but I am at fault at what went on in the marriage and I intend to recognize it and repair it. 
I am thinking if I stay I will give it a year, and see how things progress, but I have not conveyed this to him. 
I have my good days but when I have bad days they are very bad and he is helping through it. 

Please let me know if I am missing something and if our progress is a good one. Thanks again.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

BettyBoop said:


> It was difficult to read but not as bad as what I had in my imagination. And at times, I almost felt sorry for her. So that leaves me with the question. What was in his heart to use person like that? This individual is not the H that I know.


In almost all cases the cheating Husbands never leave their wives for the other woman. The other woman is essentially used as a sex object, there's nothing more. What many of them don't understand is how disposable they are to the man they're cheating with.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

BettyBoop said:


> Hello again, thanks you for all your help and concern. Perhaps, one day I will help someone else with my experience, for right now I just need this so much and so glad you are here.
> 
> H finally gave me the e-mail address and password he used with OW. I read it all 4yrs worth and the ones on the ‘sent folder’ as well. It was difficult to read but not as bad as what I had in my imagination. And at times, I almost felt sorry for her. So that leaves me with the question. What was in his heart to use person like that? This individual is not the H that I know. Now I know how sneaky he can be. He has told me a whole lot and of course, swears to never do it again. But I will never be that trusting again, not ever. So what should I do with all this info from the inbox? Should I erase it, save it?
> 
> ...


Save those mails, in some form for your reference, if need be.
About VAR, other posters will advise you.
Why are you forgiving him so quickly?
See how sincere he is.


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## BettyBoop (Apr 2, 2012)

I don't know why I am forgiving him so quickly. I am not condoning what he did or accepting. I do not know if I will stay with him at this point. I am still hurt, angry and sometimes wake up crying. But there is a willingness to forgive for my piece of mind. That it make sense? Not much to me.


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## BettyBoop (Apr 2, 2012)

Complexity, now that I've read her letters, you are so right.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Keep the emails, just in case. But go out of your way to avoid re-reading them and obsessing over them. Make it a point, because it is too easy to spiral into digging through over and over, and it does no good. It *does* sound like he's doing the right things ("now, finally" is a concern), and you can believe he is relieved to be done with it -- for now. The best thing is you're looking hard at the 'why' and your own role and addressing that too -- but absolutely do not blame yourself; this was his choice, his doing, and his risk. he needs to win YOU and your trust back, not the other way around. That takes time and work and effort and patience. Don't be too quick to make forgiveness statements until you know you really have done so. Agreeing to move past it and see how it goes is a great start, but it is a start. 

Sounds like you have the right begiining to possible R working -- keep at it and good luck!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I suggest that instead of saying restraining order ( as these are hard to get without the threat and evidence of physical violence) , use words like "if you continue to contact myself, my wife or our family we will take legal council."

It's vague enough not to tell her what you are doing and polite enough not to threaten her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BettyBoop (Apr 2, 2012)

Ok, Eli-Zor, we will include that phrase instead and thanks. I forgot to mention that we are both reading the book.."His needs, her needs" but it is slow going because we talk a lot. I guess I need to look more into the forgiveness thing. It is why I am here after all. thanks!


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

BettyBoop said:


> I don't know why I am forgiving him so quickly. I am not condoning what he did or accepting. I do not know if I will stay with him at this point. I am still hurt, angry and sometimes wake up crying. But there is a willingness to forgive for my piece of mind. That it make sense? Not much to me.


Betty whatever you do, do not let him off the hook so easily. If you've forgiven him that's fine, but make him earn it too. He'll do anything to rug sweep and if you let go of this too easily he'll know next time the consequences won't be as severe. 

He's ruined two people's lives. As bad as the other woman was, he fed her a bunch of BS and in her desperate/lonely state she believed it. He simply discarded her like trash afterwards. That's a pretty callous thing to do.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I agree with others. Anything that is acquired with no effort is worthless. Anything that is worked for will be valued. Make him earn forgiveness. Otherwise he will not value it...and you!


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> I agree with others. Anything that is acquired with no effort is worthless. Anything that is worked for will be valued. Make him earn forgiveness. Otherwise he will not value it...and you!


As one who is reconciling at the moment and who has forgiven this subject is a little perplexing for me. For the most part I just want my life to return to normal and we are well on the way to doing this but there is a small part of me that thinks I have forgiven him for my year of hell too easily. It's not a case of me wanting him to suffer for his crimes but as you say there is a part of me that feels he has just got away with this all too easily. 
I just don't know what to do about it though! In my heart I just want us to put it behind us and move on. But is this ultimately the right thing to do?
DG
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> As one who is reconciling at the moment and who has forgiven this subject is a little perplexing for me. For the most part I just want my life to return to normal and we are well on the way to doing this but there is a small part of me that thinks I have forgiven him for my year of hell too easily. It's not a case of me wanting him to suffer for his crimes but as you say there is a part of me that feels he has just got away with this all too easily.
> I just don't know what to do about it though! In my heart I just want us to put it behind us and move on. But is this ultimately the right thing to do?
> DG
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know that it would seem that putting it all behind you is the best way to get back to normal. But what was normal? Was it the good marriage you thought you had? Was it all those times when you thought your marriage was great and your husband was betraying you? Will normal be when you once again can have blind trust? That kind of normal will never exist again. You and you husband are irrevocably altered from this experience. And in all honesty why would you want that kind of normal ever again? A relationship based in reality and on honesty and integrity is so much better. That's what Morrigan and I have now.

I've read your threads Daisy and while I am extremely happy for you that your husband came back I also cautioned you that a heart can only take so much breaking. You want to make sure that he can never do this again. Continue to check on his email, facebook, texting, browsing history etc. Make sure to read marital books with him like His Needs Her Needs or whatever books you like. Have weekly discussions about the marriage and whether it is meeting both your expectations. If you are in MC continue to go. I do not recall if your husband is still working with the OW. If so he needs to look for another job asap. You should show up to his work unexpected once in a while. Keep him on his toes. He should be staying in constant contact with you.

Make sure to plan a lot of family activities with you, your husband and the children. Make sure he is fully invested in the family. If he for some reason doesn't want to go or it seems he is "too busy" to do family things go with your children without him. People instinctively do not like to be left behind and not included. Plan on date nights where you dress and behave as if you were being courted (I know that is an outdated concept but I choose it purposefully). Dress up nice for him. Make him want you. Give yourselves time alone together. You need that connection because as long as you are focused on each other neither of you can focus on anyone else. Make sure he knows you are a strong independent person in your own right. Do not ever completely rely on him again. There are three corners to all good marriages, the husband, the wife and the marriage itself. If any one of these is weak the others will fall.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

As everyone recommends, save your evidence, emails, etc. and put them in a safe place. You never know when or why you might need them. My WS was able to delete most of the email I found after DD#1. However, I had copied and saved the worst ones and set them aside in a safe place.

Another thing: cell phone records. Our wireless carrier only keeps them for the past 12 months, and then they're gone. They only provide a list of texting numbers (not the texts themselves--they don't give out any of those) for the current month's bill. If I had not printed those out and saved them immediately, some of that evidence would also be gone into the ether within a matter of days.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> I know that it would seem that putting it all behind you is the best way to get back to normal. But what was normal? Was it the good marriage you thought you had? Was it all those times when you thought your marriage was great and your husband was betraying you? Will normal be when you once again can have blind trust? That kind of normal will never exist again. You and you husband are irrevocably altered from this experience. And in all honesty why would you want that kind of normal ever again? A relationship based in reality and on honesty and integrity is so much better. That's what Morrigan and I have now.
> 
> I've read your threads Daisy and while I am extremely happy for you that your husband came back I also cautioned you that a heart can only take so much breaking. You want to make sure that he can never do this again. Continue to check on his email, facebook, texting, browsing history etc. Make sure to read marital books with him like His Needs Her Needs or whatever books you like. Have weekly discussions about the marriage and whether it is meeting both your expectations. If you are in MC continue to go. I do not recall if your husband is still working with the OW. If so he needs to look for another job asap. You should show up to his work unexpected once in a while. Keep him on his toes. He should be staying in constant contact with you.
> 
> ...


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## BettyBoop (Apr 2, 2012)

No problem Daisy. That is why we are here to make sense of this awful mess we find ourselves in. 

I have saved all the e-mails in a safe place and he was most agreeable with that and thought it was a great idea. 

One step forward two steps back. Last night he wrote the NC letter, but I could tell that he had his reservations about it. I asked him if he had a problem with writing the letter and he said no, but that he was worried about the ramifications when she received it because he said she has anger issues. He wants to take the letter to a lawyer and make sure it will not create anymore problems for us. What do you think? 

As for the forgiveness subject; he is very apologetic and so far wants to do anything I ask of him. I feel that even though I have forgiven his mistake, the lies and the betrayal will take longer and how can I ever forget. I gave him a year to try to mend for his terrible actions, for bringing a strange woman right in the middle of our marriage. Very hurtful

There are many things he needs to be remorse for, and of course the very obvious ones. I do want him to someday be the person I married, if it can be possible. He did destroy to lives. At this moment I no longer feel the need to have revenge on him or the OW. However, I want him to feel remorse for using her, I do not want him to go back to her with a regretful heart and ask for forgiveness. She is no child not even a young person. In her letters she blames me for driving them both to temptation.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

If the NC letter was from the template then it's fine, there is nothing contentious therein . It makes me think he is looking for an excuse not to send it , if she loses it he will be forced to face the demon he helped create and stand by you. Consequences!!!!!

He was cheating with this woman for many years the least he can do is send the letter as is and evidence by this action she was nothing to him, and therein may lay the problem. I am very sure the sweet nothings whispered between them included long term plans and the NC letter will let her know he was ----lying.

Edit: A lawyer is not a marriage broker nor do they save marriages , the template from my recollection comes from the MarriageBuilders site and has been written by a professional , I am not aware of any legal cases against a sender. If the OW harrasses you it plays into your hands , make sure you have a copy of what you send.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BettyBoop (Apr 2, 2012)

You might have something there. He keeps downplaying the affair saying that it was not an affair, that it was a relationship. He says there was no romance, no going out to places, no lavish presents, bla, bla bla (could it be because he is well known in our community? Hummm? Have lots of work yet and in some ways I have been satisfied with his answers and have some prof but in others I am still confused. He said that he mentioned several places where he was going to retire and that she was willing to follow and that some places she objected to. He talked to her about our plans, our dreams, and you're right she might have been included, and might still be, who knows anymore. grrrrrrrrrrrrrr ??????!!!!!!!!!


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## BettyBoop (Apr 2, 2012)

We used the form from the Newbie thread, but included the "if you continue contact we will seek legal action"


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

BettyBoop said:


> We used the form from the Newbie thread, but included the "if you continue contact we will seek legal action"


The NC letter template is OK include your extra words,, have him write it and you send it. Take each day as it comes , deep breaths , one step at a time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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