# The Good Wife: Part 3



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Long interesting conversation last night. Painfully unfiltered. This past week W had UTI - leading to more pain down below. She got antibiotics early in the week. They weren't working so I took her to urgent care Sunday for a new prescription. I didn't initiate anything over the weekend. Monday night was my last night home for the week and she got home from a tough day at work and bluntly told me we "needed to have sex" because she was stressed and needed it to relax her. 

So I got the geisha girl treatment for about an hour and then she pleased me since she was still out of commission. 

Last night I confirmed that she still feels zero sexual desire. Deep sigh. So this is what she said. She desires:
- My company
- My touch, my hugs and caresses
- My happiness and love
- For our marriage to continue to be strong

I asked her if she resented that I still had desire. She said she did not. I offered to "leave her alone sexually for a while". And she replied that sex was "core" to our marriage and would continue. She got angry and one point, compared her situation to male impotence and asked me why I needed to keep asking about it. Deeper sigh. I told her that the totally one way sex we have been having has been making me anxious. She understood. Conversation ended nicely.


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## iDeal (Oct 25, 2011)

Hey, love the title, i haven't quite followed up on all of your "Good wife" threads although i have been reading up on the forum for quite a while before actually signing up. 

My wife also had UTI for about two weeks and then it just went away after i got her antibiotics.

When you said that you "offered to leave her alone sexually" can i ask why?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Huh... My GF has also been going through a UTI. She's been back from a trip for almost a week, and today was the first wrestling match in almost two. She was definately not feeling sexy, and I wasn't going to push her.

But nice job on the communication! You two are a model to follow!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Long interesting conversation last night. Painfully unfiltered. This past week W had UTI - leading to more pain down below. She got antibiotics early in the week. They weren't working so I took her to urgent care Sunday for a new prescription. I didn't initiate anything over the weekend. Monday night was my last night home for the week and she got home from a tough day at work and bluntly told me we "needed to have sex" because she was stressed and needed it to relax her.
> 
> So I got the geisha girl treatment for about an hour and then she pleased me since she was still out of commission.
> 
> ...


MEM,
Gently here. She loves you, that much is clear. She isn't happy with this situation anymore than you are and you keep pushing her. She has sex with you because she loves you but her desire isn't there and that isn't anything you did or that some other guy would make any different. 

When she mentioned an impotent man, she was telling the truth. A man who cannot get an erection doesn't not want sex, he literally cannot get his parts (if you will) to work. She is in the exact same situation and if you keep pushing her, she will resent you. 

She has sex with you despite her pain and yet that isn't enough for you. Her saying she was anxious and needed sex with you going away for a week is quite telling. Why is she anxious? If I had to guess it is because she knows how important sex is to you, you are not happy with what is going on with her and given what you have told her in the past, she is afraid that you will seek it elsewhere.

I don't know your wife from Eve but from what you have posted before, she is a remarkable, sharp and an amazing woman. She loves you, wants you and cherishes you. She has sex with you because she knows it is important to you. That is commitment and dedication. Why is that not enough for you given her medical issues? I really feel for her, I just do. If the roles were reversed and you weren't able to have sex, can you imagine for a moment how you would feel if your wife expressed dissatisfaction with your inability to want sex, nevermind that their is little you could do about it? 

Why can't you be happy with an awesome wife who loves you enough to toss her pain aside, want intimacy with you and keep your relationship happy? I just don't get it.


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## iDeal (Oct 25, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> MEM,
> Gently here. She loves you, that much is clear. She isn't happy with this situation anymore than you are and you keep pushing her. She has sex with you because she loves you but her desire isn't there and that isn't anything you did or that some other guy would make any different.
> 
> When she mentioned an impotent man, she was telling the truth. A man who cannot get an erection doesn't not want sex, he literally cannot get his parts (if you will) to work. She is in the exact same situation and if you keep pushing her, she will resent you.
> ...


If i even remotely thought that my wife is only having sex with me because its "so important to me" and not because i actually make her cum 3+ times a day (its true, i do), i would stop ANYTHING sexual and allow her to initiate when she is ready, in her own time. in fact i think i would be kind of angered by the fact that she felt that way and didn't just speak to me about it. sex is not a necessity, love is. (BS sex is as much of a necessity as love) but you know what i mean...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Bright,
I swear to God I did not intend to express dissatisfaction. Really and truly. I expressed anxiety that this was causing her resentment - hmmm - I really am an idiot since she was the one who initiated. I told her I really do know she loves me and is committed to me and that the fact she is willing to continue to connect with me even though it isn't doing anything for her is just another example of her being a great wife. 

Still - you are right. Somehow this all came across as me not being happy with her. Which was NOT my intent. I really truly don't know how it came across that way but somehow it did. 

Oh well. I think going forward the less said on this topic the better.




Therealbrighteyes said:


> MEM,
> Gently here. She loves you, that much is clear. She isn't happy with this situation anymore than you are and you keep pushing her. She has sex with you because she loves you but her desire isn't there and that isn't anything you did or that some other guy would make any different.
> 
> When she mentioned an impotent man, she was telling the truth. A man who cannot get an erection doesn't not want sex, he literally cannot get his parts (if you will) to work. She is in the exact same situation and if you keep pushing her, she will resent you.
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Just curious iDeal - how old are you? I am 48. We are in year 22 together.



iDeal said:


> If i even remotely thought that my wife is only having sex with me because its "so important to me" and not because i actually make her cum 3+ times a day (its true, i do), i would stop ANYTHING sexual and allow her to initiate when she is ready, in her own time. in fact i think i would be kind of angered by the fact that she felt that way and didn't just speak to me about it. sex is not a necessity, love is. (BS sex is as much of a necessity as love) but you know what i mean...


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

iDeal said:


> If i even remotely thought that my wife is only having sex with me because its "so important to me" and not because i actually make her cum 3+ times a day (its true, i do), i would stop ANYTHING sexual and allow her to initiate when she is ready, in her own time. in fact i think i would be kind of angered by the fact that she felt that way and didn't just speak to me about it. sex is not a necessity, love is. (BS sex is as much of a necessity as love) but you know what i mean...


You haven't been around here long enough to know what MEM and his wife have gone through. She isn't doing a lay there and think of England approach. She wants to have those feelings back again but her body is post menopause and with related health issues she literally cannot. There is a huge difference between a wife who just "does it" as in hurry up and get it over with and what MEM's wife is going through. 
If you would be angered by that then those are your own issues. In sickness and in health means something to MEM. She IS having sex with him in sickness and in health so clearly her vows and her love are there. Her desire is not and that isn't something she can help nor something to get angry over.


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## iDeal (Oct 25, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Just curious iDeal - how old are you? I am 48. We are in year 22 together.


Jesus, no offense to you what so ever, im 22, in our 6th month? :scratchhead:


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## iDeal (Oct 25, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> You haven't been around here long enough to know what MEM and his wife have gone through. She isn't doing a lay there and think of England approach. She wants to have those feelings back again but her body is post menopause and with related health issues she literally cannot. There is a huge difference between a wife who just "does it" as in hurry up and get it over with and what MEM's wife is going through.
> If you would be angered by that then those are your own issues. In sickness and in health means something to MEM. She IS having sex with him in sickness and in health so clearly her vows and her love are there. Her desire is not and that isn't something she can help nor something to get angry over.


I was merely stating my opinion, i read one of his previous posts, kind of have an idea of what is going on, again, no offense meant.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Relax I am not mad or offended. 

When my W was in her twenties and thirties and even mid-forties I was able to please her. Menopause can trash your hormones. She is super good to me. So even though she isn't getting to the rapture, she is still taking great care of me.




iDeal said:


> Jesus, no offense to you what so ever, im 22, in our 6th month? :scratchhead:


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Bright,
> I swear to God I did not intend to express dissatisfaction. Really and truly. I expressed anxiety that this was causing her resentment - hmmm - I really am an idiot since she was the one who initiated. I told her I really do know she loves me and is committed to me and that the fact she is willing to continue to connect with me even though it isn't doing anything for her is just another example of her being a great wife.
> 
> Still - you are right. Somehow this all came across as me not being happy with her. Which was NOT my intent. I really truly don't know how it came across that way but somehow it did.
> ...


Talking about it isn't wrong and no you are not an idiot. Your wife is willing yet her body isn't. 

Funny story that kind of relates to your situation. Me, former gymnast. Hubby always loved that I was a gymnast. Since we met at the age of 9, he saw plenty of my meets. 
Anywho, he came home a few months ago talking about his co-worker's young daughter starting gymnastics for the first time. He said that there is no way his daughter could ever compare to me. He said I "was" awesome in that department. I am now 40. Well yeah, challenge on. I told him to get out in to our driveway and be prepared for what "was". Me in yoga pants and a tank top with no socks or shoes and I am running down the driveway, I do a one handed cartwheel followed by a back flip. I "landed" the landing yet the pain was immediate. I could barely stand up. My heart was in it, my mind was in it but my body was not. I was in pain for days. 
Do you see where I am going here? What if my husband had said that because my body failed the act was invalid? Didn't my heart, mind and willingness mean something?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

MEM - sorry things are so hard for you both right now.

Thank you for sharing such a personal story.

Really rooting for you guys.

I think you sounded unhappy because there is a part of you that truly is. But you guys continue to talk about it - openly and honestly - and that's so much better than trying to put on some happy bull**** face.

Keep us posted...and thanks again.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Bright,
Great story. Pretty impressive you can still do that stuff at all. 





Therealbrighteyes said:


> Talking about it isn't wrong and no you are not an idiot. Your wife is willing yet her body isn't.
> 
> Funny story that kind of relates to your situation. Me, former gymnast. Hubby always loved that I was a gymnast. Since we met at the age of 9, he saw plenty of my meets.
> Anywho, he came home a few months ago talking about his co-worker's young daughter starting gymnastics for the first time. He said that there is no way his daughter could ever compare to me. He said I "was" awesome in that department. I am now 40. Well yeah, challenge on. I told him to get out in to our driveway and be prepared for what "was". Me in yoga pants and a tank top with no socks or shoes and I am running down the driveway, I do a one handed cartwheel followed by a back flip. I "landed" the landing yet the pain was immediate. I could barely stand up. My heart was in it, my mind was in it but my body was not. I was in pain for days.
> Do you see where I am going here? What if my husband had said that because my body failed the act was invalid? Didn't my heart, mind and willingness mean something?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

NG,
Good insight. I guess I am. This was always a big part of our marriage. 




nice777guy said:


> MEM - sorry things are so hard for you both right now.
> 
> Thank you for sharing such a personal story.
> 
> ...


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

Mem, desire is a funny thing. It sounds to me like she DOES have desire. She desires to please you, she desire to be a good wife, she desires to be there for you. She probably desires the connection and an orgasm as well, but doesn not desire the pain, or overhead that comes with it. Or maybe she doesn't desire anything sexually for herself right now.

The point is, she is still desiring to connect with you, just differently.

If you guys work around her issues, and find ways to connect that don't involve pain or intercourse - it's win win.

Maybe you get oral, and she gets a really nice neck massage. Your still connecting, both enjoying an act and both making each other feel good and loved.

She might start looking forward to to her back and neck rubs several times a week!


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

Wow, what part of the world are you in that your posting at 4 am?


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Hello MEM,

I've been on TAM for some time, always followed your posts and am familiar with your story. 

Have you tried writing her a letter and leaving it for her as you leave? It sounds cliche, but there is power in the written word that sometimes humans can't quite capture verbally. 

I work in a hotel frequented by business travelers. Long time ago, a woman dropped a card from her bag. When I picked it up, she voluntarily informed me it was from her husband (I didn't ask), basically saying how much he missed her when she was gone, loved her, etc. She heard it all the time, but the written words from his hand struck her in a way that was very meaningful.


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## iDeal (Oct 25, 2011)

Whip Morgan said:


> Hello MEM,
> 
> I've been on TAM for some time, always followed your posts and am familiar with your story.
> 
> ...


ive kind of had something to drink, not sure where i am going with this but, i met my wife online, knew her for 3 years and then met her and we married, it was great but long distance is killing us, i could pour my heart out to her, but when she is mad, she completely ignores the 8 paragraphs i send her and says "Good for you." when i just literally told her i am at her feet and offering my whole heart and life to her...


BUT MEM i did manage to read all your threads, or as much as i could handle in a few hours, and i can honestly say, i feel for you, bro...

Also, how is the sex, once you and your wife do make love? (i really don't mean to intrude, just being nosy like everyone else >_< )


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Whip,
I wrote her a love letter a couple weeks ago. She wrote me one back the next day. 
She knows how I feel.


TE=Whip Morgan;472136]Hello MEM,

I've been on TAM for some time, always followed your posts and am familiar with your story. 

Have you tried writing her a letter and leaving it for her as you leave? It sounds cliche, but there is power in the written word that sometimes humans can't quite capture verbally. 

I work in a hotel frequented by business travelers. Long time ago, a woman dropped a card from her bag. When I picked it up, she voluntarily informed me it was from her husband (I didn't ask), basically saying how much he missed her when she was gone, loved her, etc. She heard it all the time, but the written words from his hand struck her in a way that was very meaningful.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Not sure which ones you read. I LOVE my W. She can be challenging but I knew that way before we married. As for our sex life,
While frequency is sometimes less than I would like, the experience itself is incredible.
And on frequency she has always met me halfway or more than half way.



E=iDeal;472149]ive kind of had something to drink, not sure where i am going with this but, i met my wife online, knew her for 3 years and then met her and we married, it was great but long distance is killing us, i could pour my heart out to her, but when she is mad, she completely ignores the 8 paragraphs i send her and says "Good for you." when i just literally told her i am at her feet and offering my whole heart and life to her...


BUT MEM i did manage to read all your threads, or as much as i could handle in a few hours, and i can honestly say, i feel for you, bro...

Also, how is the sex, once you and your wife do make love? (i really don't mean to intrude, just being nosy like everyone else >_< )[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

MEM,

I think maybe your right.... "the less said the better". At least in this instance. But keeping up the other signals of love is spot on. Reassuring to her but not anxiety triggers.

Bright eyes?
Were they lulu lemon pants? Cuz those are awesome! Lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

The issues you outline with your spouse hit particularly hard for me due to what went on with my ex. Moreso, because rather than opening a dialogue about what she was feeling and how we could work around it, she chose to internalize, avoid, and, eventually project her anxiety and resent over onto me.

This has been banging around in the back of my head since you posted. Were these issues going on when she claimed she didn't know if she would want to 'go on having sex with you for the next 20 years'?

I'm paraphrasing the circumstance, and I myself am probably projecting, because I fully believe that is the rationale my ex made in building up her aversion.

I'm thinking out loud. In no way am I suggesting this is something that will happen in your case. Your ability to communicate makes ALL the difference.

Still, tough circumstances, wish you both the best.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Bright,
> I swear to God I did not intend to express dissatisfaction. Really and truly. I expressed anxiety that this was causing her resentment - hmmm - I really am an idiot since she was the one who initiated. I told her I really do know she loves me and is committed to me and that *the fact she is willing to continue to connect with me even though it isn't doing anything for her *is just another example of her being a great wife.
> 
> Still - you are right. Somehow this all came across as me not being happy with her. Which was NOT my intent. I really truly don't know how it came across that way but somehow it did.
> ...


Hmmm... I bolded something from one of your responses. See, I think you need to have a perspective change here. You are thinking that because she is not feeling the desire in the way she used to that she then is getting nothing from connecting with you, while she has TOLD you that she does. She is still getting that emotional connection with you, even if she does not necessarily get all of the same physical ones that she used to. Does this not count?

You know what? Growing older really stinks. It just really does at times. As a woman, I get to have the joys of going through menopause too. Maybe it will be better than all of the problems I've had over the last 2 years in perimenopause, but who can know. There's a lot of information and support out there for women about perimenopause/menopause anymore.

But, there's not much out there for men in trying to figure out how to manage in the relationship when something like menopause is going on. A man knows his wife will likely go through this (although he may be very surprised when he starts to figure out it is happening), but I imagine there's a lot of fears and anxiety about what it will mean to him - will it affect her drive and your intimacy, will it affect her moods, will she seem like a totally different person, am I just a crazy and insensitive man for worrying about these things? I don't think it's wrong for a husband to be worried, anxious, and concerned - you're human, after all. 

My only suggestion is that you really look at what she is telling you and try and believe her. You seem worried she will garner resentment because somehow you still have your physical desire while hers has diminished. She tells you that she loves you, she tells you that she wants to connect with you, she tells you that she gets much out of connecting with you in the way she is able to right now. BELIEVE HER. SHOW her that you believe her. When she approaches you - be generous, be enthusiastic, be happy. Are you not the one who says that your ACTIONS will speak louder than your words? 

Believe me, she is likely having many of the same anxieties that you are - worrying about not being able to please you anymore, worrying your desire may diminsh because of that, worrying about aging. It can do a real number on both a husband and wife's psyche. 

You can help soothe her anxieties (and yours) by joyfully accepting, and even initiating, with her. SHOW her that you love her, MEM, and joyfully accept whatever way she is capable of responding in. Don't let both of your various anxieties overwhelm you. You can get through this - you two have built a strong foundation together. Weathering this particular storm and coming out the other side together can only make it stronger if you let it.

God Bless.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

E,
Great advice. Last night I got home after being away on biz during the week. And she glowed and I glowed back and we had this long long hug. We talked a couple minutes I said hi to the kids. And then I took out a new board game and we started playing. And halfway through the game she casually asks if she said anything "wrong" the other night. I made and held eye contact "most of what you told me was very positive. The rest was completely honest, I love that you are so straight with me it is a huge strength and a beautiful trait that you have". And then I went back to playing the board game and she started playing footsie with me under the table.

And one thing led to another. Seems like I have two choices:
- seem anxious and less than happy which makes her feel inadequate or
- accept her love and commitment and continue to treat her like gold

I choose door number two. Oh and fwiw she continues to have real pain down there and we have not had intercourse for almost a month.



E=Enchantment;472439]Hmmm... I bolded something from one of your responses. See, I think you need to have a perspective change here. You are thinking that because she is not feeling the desire in the way she used to that she then is getting nothing from connecting with you, while she has TOLD you that she does. She is still getting that emotional connection with you, even if she does not necessarily get all of the same physical ones that she used to. Does this not count?

You know what? Growing older really stinks. It just really does at times. As a woman, I get to have the joys of going through menopause too. Maybe it will be better than all of the problems I've had over the last 2 years in perimenopause, but who can know. There's a lot of information and support out there for women about perimenopause/menopause anymore.

But, there's not much out there for men in trying to figure out how to manage in the relationship when something like menopause is going on. A man knows his wife will likely go through this (although he may be very surprised when he starts to figure out it is happening), but I imagine there's a lot of fears and anxiety about what it will mean to him - will it affect her drive and your intimacy, will it affect her moods, will she seem like a totally different person, am I just a crazy and insensitive man for worrying about these things? I don't think it's wrong for a husband to be worried, anxious, and concerned - you're human, after all. 

My only suggestion is that you really look at what she is telling you and try and believe her. You seem worried she will garner resentment because somehow you still have your physical desire while hers has diminished. She tells you that she loves you, she tells you that she wants to connect with you, she tells you that she gets much out of connecting with you in the way she is able to right now. BELIEVE HER. SHOW her that you believe her. When she approaches you - be generous, be enthusiastic, be happy. Are you not the one who says that your ACTIONS will speak louder than your words? 

Believe me, she is likely having many of the same anxieties that you are - worrying about not being able to please you anymore, worrying your desire may diminsh because of that, worrying about aging. It can do a real number on both a husband and wife's psyche. 

You can help soothe her anxieties (and yours) by joyfully accepting, and even initiating, with her. SHOW her that you love her, MEM, and joyfully accept whatever way she is capable of responding in. Don't let both of your various anxieties overwhelm you. You can get through this - you two have built a strong foundation together. Weathering this particular storm and coming out the other side together can only make it stronger if you let it.

God Bless.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

D,
I am certain that reduced desire plus intercourse pain caused her to initiate the conversation you referenced below. I think she felt trapped. And I think she has now accepted that our new compromise is: we don't have "sex" anymore because I cannot function knowing it hurts her. She knows that is a huge "loss" for me. I think she believes that I have accepted it and accepted that this may be a permanent change. I believe she feels that doing other stuff is necessary for the long term health of our marriage. And that is true. It is also true that it is difficult to have sex that is close to 100 pct one sided. If that doesn't change I will learn to accept it. Just as I accept that she wants me to be happy and does not resent that I still desire her.



=Deejo;472351]The issues you outline with your spouse hit particularly hard for me due to what went on with my ex. Moreso, because rather than opening a dialogue about what she was feeling and how we could work around it, she chose to internalize, avoid, and, eventually project her anxiety and resent over onto me.

This has been banging around in the back of my head since you posted. Were these issues going on when she claimed she didn't know if she would want to 'go on having sex with you for the next 20 years'?

I'm paraphrasing the circumstance, and I myself am probably projecting, because I fully believe that is the rationale my ex made in building up her aversion.

I'm thinking out loud. In no way am I suggesting this is something that will happen in your case. Your ability to communicate makes ALL the difference.

Still, tough circumstances, wish you both the best.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MEM,

Your testimony is a guide to how supportive partners should be.

While noting your obvious pain, I congratulate you both.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> D,
> I am certain that reduced desire plus intercourse pain caused her to initiate the conversation you referenced below. I think she felt trapped. And I think she has now accepted that our new compromise is: we don't have "sex" anymore because I cannot function knowing it hurts her. She knows that is a huge "loss" for me. I think she believes that I have accepted it and accepted that this may be a permanent change. I believe she feels that doing other stuff is necessary for the long term health of our marriage. And that is true. It is also true that it is difficult to have sex that is close to 100 pct one sided. If that doesn't change I will learn to accept it. Just as I accept that she wants me to be happy and does not resent that I still desire her.
> 
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]


Is HRT going to help her? What has her doctor said about this? Forgive me, I am not familiar with menopause having never gone through it but doesn't desire resume after a certain period has gone by after menopause?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I think it does for some and not for others. I will research some more. The HRT is Definitely making her happier. She had started to make the transition from being "b itchy" to simply being a "b itch" and that combined with a flaky sex life was seriously not fun.

Bantering, wrestling hanging out today and my desire level is spiking. No question that part of this equation is going to be some level of edgy playing hard to get to make this not tiresome for her. I am good at that game and she has enough compassion not to let it stretch out to long.

Off to roller blade.


UOTE=Therealbrighteyes;472595]_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]


Is HRT going to help her? What has her doctor said about this? Forgive me, I am not familiar with menopause having never gone through it but doesn't desire resume after a certain period has gone by after menopause?[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Conrad,
Thank you for your words of support. I had a couple of bad "imaginary" conversations with her (all in my own head)
Before I got home. But I left the negativity of that bad self talk inside where it belonged. And then when I got home and it was obvious she was glad to see me, all the bad stuff faded away.

Your testimony is a guide to how supportive partners should be.

While noting your obvious pain, I congratulate you both.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Off topic.... but 

*A man who cannot get an erection doesn't not want sex,*

This is so not true... of course they still want sex, still want to climax and still can climax without an erection. They might be bummed about the lack of actual intercourse, but as long as both partners are pleased in some way....

*Sorry for the hijack, but it bothers me when women talk about men's equipment more knowingly than they should.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

I'll be blunt...... Since no one else will be..... Start MASTURBATING and leave her alone. Mem11363, always the same from you and your fascinating relationship/power struggle with your wife and your continual posts about the sexual back and forths (letters, conversations, ultimatums....) and what/how much you need.

STOP IT. Show support, love and intimacy with your wife. Hold her, massage her, be great company and wrestle to your heart's content, but quit obsessing and talking about sex, go to the god damn computer, fire up some porn and rub them out 2-3X's/wk (if that is what you need) and leave her alone......


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## OOE (Mar 17, 2011)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> I'll be blunt...... Since no one else will be..... Start MASTURBATING and leave her alone. Mem11363, always the same from you and your fascinating relationship/power struggle with your wife and your continual posts about the sexual back and forths (letters, conversations, ultimatums....) and what/how much you need.
> 
> STOP IT. Show support, love and intimacy with your wife. Hold her, massage her, be great company and wrestle to your heart's content, but quit obsessing and talking about sex, go to the god damn computer, fire up some porn and rub them out 2-3X's/wk (if that is what you need) and leave her alone......


Wrong.

For MEM's wife, it's not about the act (at the moment), it's about the connection. If he takes that away, it will make her feel even more inadequate.

MEM, I have hangups about receiving only during ToM. I'm certain I'll feel exactly like you do in a few (or couple of) years. I think that the reason it bothers me, is that for me, it's really not about the act. Only being on the receiving end feels very selfish to me, and leads to a great deal of anxiety for me. 

You and I have to take a step back and think about it from the other side. 

Even though the level of intimacy might not be the same, it's still an important part of your relationship, and your wife doesn't want to let that go.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

OOE said:


> Wrong.
> 
> For MEM's wife, it's not about the act (at the moment), it's about the connection. If he takes that away, it will make her feel even more inadequate.
> 
> ...


There are plenty of ways to connect, that doesn't result in SEX. I know the struggles, back and forths and the importance Mem11363 places on sex as it has been well chronicled. 

If this closeness manifests itself 1X/mth (with sex as mem11363 expects), that's fine, but I can't help but think mem's wife subconsciously (or not) has a clock ticking knowing how often mem11363 WANTS it and has demanded (strong word) it over the years.

Yes I was a great deal of empathy for mem11363 and his spouse, but this thread does bother me.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

OOE said:


> MEM, I have hangups about receiving only during ToM. I'm certain I'll feel exactly like you do in a few (or couple of) years. I think that the reason it bothers me, is that for me, it's really not about the act. Only being on the receiving end feels very selfish to me, and leads to a great deal of anxiety for me.


Alot of men feel this way, my husband does also- But God I love him for feeling that way at the same time! It is so beautiful really. 

He even started to tear up one morning when he THOUGHT I was slowing down, just cause I offered another position caues I didn't think I could "go" again (we just did it the night before)-but he declined to take me up on it. He was ready -then it was gone. I looked at him, his eyes were moist, I was like ....."WOW" -where did that come from! He told me it will be a very very sad day when I no longer care to "get mine", as that means "everything" to him. That was such a touching moment. 

Who knows what the future holds for any of us as we grow older...... but I believe .....our minds can remain on fire -for giving our lovers pleasure. This should be the goal of every wife as we struggle through menopause, as we have tasted of that fierce wanting before this came upon us -it lives in our memories, it is a part of us - we can conjer it up and relive in our minds as we please our men.... such memories must carry us, to keep the emotional connection ever flowing within us , Orgasms of a different nature, of the heart. 

I really sympathize with this situation though. I remember the 1st time my husband didn't care to "get his" - it bothered me !!! These feelings welled up inside of me.....I didn't like it at all. I wanted him to want it !! I wanted his LUST! Maybe that was selfish of me. I don't know. Thank God this was rare cause not sure how I would have delt with it -if it happened too often. 

Most of us do not think about it, but really ----we want a little sefishness in sex. This brings on the waves of excitement, that the other is also being raptured at the same time, often this brings us over the edge. 

More needs written on this very sensitive subject- on both ends. Maybe you MEM, will be the new explorer here -outlining how this can flourish in a marriage -given these more difficult circumstances -with pain and the changes of menopause -but sustaining love that reaches beyond. 

I would never begrudge anyone for bringing this subject up, it is worthy of discussion, a caring lover wants their partner to feel the same intensity and pleasure- if at all possible. 

It does come down to the Emotional connection though, doesn't it. Those of us who have more arousing LUST need to realize the other can not help their circumstances in this. Even without the lust though, our minds can still be passionately engaged in this act of giving -with enthusiam as well. My husband can not at all tell when I go down, if I am HOT or not feeling it , the mind is so engaged in the "giving". 

I can go DAYS now without getting all worked up about sex- man, I was picking fights about it before -it was a little crazy for a time - but I have found I no longer NEED that release like I did a couple years ago. How much this will wane, we have yet to see, But thankfully, the mind is still very much engaged, still in overdrive really. We'll see how it all plays out . 

Mem, I bet your wife is also living on such memories to carry her too. Let her do for you!


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Alot of men feel this way, my husband does also- But God I love him for feeling that way at the same time! It is so beautiful really.
> 
> He even started to tear up one morning when he THOUGHT I was slowing down, just cause I offered another position caues I didn't think I could "go" again (we just did it the night before)-but he declined to take me up on it. He was ready -then it was gone. I looked at him, his eyes were moist, I was like ....."WOW" -where did that come from! He told me it will be a very very sad day when I no longer care to "get mine", as that means "everything" to him. That was such a touching moment.
> 
> ...


Wow, I didn't know such selfless women existed. Or men upset to the point of tears that you weren't as enthusiastic about sex the next morning and need a different position.

I certainly empathize with mem11363, but maybe I know too much and have read too many of his posts (though I refused to sign up until only 2 weeks ago) to be as moved as others. Like all men or women who don't get enough, you can always take matters in to your own hands, and with mem's wife suffering pain down there and pms it is time he does that and stop saying a single thing about sex to her.....


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> Wow, I didn't know such selfless women existed. Or men upset to the point of tears that you weren't as enthusiastic about sex the next morning and need a different position.
> 
> I certainly empathize with mem11363, but maybe I know too much and have read too many of his posts (though I refused to sign up until only 2 weeks ago) to be as moved as others. Like all men or women who don't get enough, you can always take matters in to your own hands, and with mem's wife suffering pain down there and pms it is time he does that and stop saying a single thing about sex to her.....


It's starting to bother me as well.

Why not back off?


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