# Hi everyone- separation question



## Cnelso22 (3 mo ago)

Hey everyone. I posted awhile back about my separation. My husband cannot commit to a divorce but insists on living separately. Last year(21) we bought the home of our dreams. We have 3 kids and it is big enough for the whole family. Though I love the home, for me it’s beginning to feel like a prison. I’m trapped with all these reminders of my failing marriage. Or all the nights I’ve spent alone here. Since our house payment is relatively high, we cannot afford another payment for his rent. So he comes here to visit the kids on weekends. It always messes with my head and I end up feeling like a total emotional mess afterward. He has always maintained we’d never sell this house, but I’m thinking it may be for the best. Has anyone had similar situations? Thanks!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

He doesn’t get to decide what you do with a house that you own jointly. See a lawyer.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

If neither of you can afford the house on your own, or can buy out the other, it will have to be sold.
If YOU don't want to live there anymore, push the point -- either he buys you out, or you sell it and split the proceeds.

Very sorry you are going through this.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Cnelso22 said:


> _*Hey everyone. I posted awhile back about my separation. My husband cannot commit to a divorce but insists on living separately. Last year(21) we bought the home of our dreams. We have 3 kids and it is big enough for the whole family. Though I love the home, for me it’s beginning to feel like a prison. I’m trapped with all these reminders of my failing marriage. Or all the nights I’ve spent alone here. Since our house payment is relatively high, we cannot afford another payment for his rent. So he comes here to visit the kids on weekends. It always messes with my head and I end up feeling like a total emotional mess afterward. He has always maintained we’d never sell this house, but I’m thinking it may be for the best. Has anyone had similar situations? Thanks!*_



Sell the money pit you live in and use some of the proceeds to get a very needed divorce with it.


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## Cnelso22 (3 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> He doesn’t get to decide what you do with a house that you own jointly. See a lawyer.


It’s hard when he is the main breadwinner. And would have to continue to support us if we moved.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Your lawyer can help you deal with this a make a plan, including what happens with finances.
He will probably have to pay you alimony and child support, but you may also have to get a job (if you don't currently have one) to meet your budget.

If you can't afford a payment for his rent, where is he living? You mentioned he's there on the weekends, but what about the weekdays?


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## Cnelso22 (3 mo ago)

jlg07 said:


> Your lawyer can help you deal with this a make a plan, including what happens with finances.
> He will probably have to pay you alimony and child support, but you may also have to get a job (if you don't currently have one) to meet your budget.
> 
> If you can't afford a payment for his rent, where is he living? You mentioned he's there on the weekends, but what about the weekdays?


He (says) he stays at a friends some nights, and at his office the others. It’s a large building with showers etc..


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Cnelso22 said:


> It’s hard when he is the main breadwinner. And would have to continue to support us if we moved.


That's his problem not yours. He's playing with yours and the childrens lives and that is very unfair. You and the children deserve and NEED stability and certainty. He's either a husband and father, or he's not.

File for divorce and force the sale of the home. You'll all be better off for it.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Cnelso22 said:


> Hey everyone. I posted awhile back about my separation. My husband cannot commit to a divorce but insists on living separately. Last year(21) we bought the home of our dreams. We have 3 kids and it is big enough for the whole family. Though I love the home, for me it’s beginning to feel like a prison. I’m trapped with all these reminders of my failing marriage. Or all the nights I’ve spent alone here. Since our house payment is relatively high, we cannot afford another payment for his rent. So he comes here to visit the kids on weekends. It always messes with my head and I end up feeling like a total emotional mess afterward. He has always maintained we’d never sell this house, but I’m thinking it may be for the best. Has anyone had similar situations? Thanks!


I assume you are in a western country.
You are woman, a wife and have children, no problem.
*It’s hard when he is the main breadwinner. And would have to continue to support us if we moved. *Yes, you can ensure that via the legal system, it will impose that your husband will not have a choice.
If you file for divorce, especially if you`re in a no fault divorce State or country, you will be awarded the house, full custody of your children, receive government assistance to pay for your house and living expenses, your husband will be stung for child support, alimony and only given visitation rights to his children on your terms.
Your husband probably knows this and the reason he is holding back a full blown divorce and opted for separation, but that depends whether this is a legal separation otherwise you can claim he deserted you and the children.
You can`t lose, as a wife and mother you`ll come out of this much better than he will.
The only losers in this situation are your kids that sadly end up being pawns in the game of divorce ending up being brought up by their mothers and having part time dads.
This is one good reason as a guy I`d not consider getting married today.
So what now are your plans? Surely you must know.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cnelso22 said:


> It’s hard when he is the main breadwinner. And would have to continue to support us if we moved.


Have you spoken to an attorney?

If he can't afford to pay the mortgage and to get a place of his own, then the house will need to be sold so that there each of you have a place to live. Hopefully there's some equity since that would be split 50/50.

You will most likely get what's called interim alimony. That's what's paid until the divorce is final. After divorce, since you are married for less than 25 years you might get alimony for some limited period of time to help you become self-sufficient. Basically, you are going to have to get a job.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

It's pretty obvious the OP doesn't want to do anything to try to protect herself and her kids and instead, just does whatever her husband tells her.

It's EQUALLY obvious her husband "can't commit to a divorce" because *he *doesn't want to split his assets and pay alimony and child support. But he sure is loving the single life, ain't he?

Wake UP, OP.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

cnelso22 this is all a legal process. you should absolutely know what the laws are in your state to avoid making a big mistake. Sign nothing until you have competent legal cousel. Sounds like he has left marital residence which is kind of dumb without a separation agreement in place


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

frusdil said:


> That's his problem not yours. He's playing with yours and the childrens lives and that is very unfair. You and the children deserve and NEED stability and certainty. He's either a husband and father, or he's not.
> 
> File for divorce and force the sale of the home. You'll all be better off for it.


and request spousal and child support if the kids are minors.

take your share of the proceeds and find another place to settle in to.


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## Cnelso22 (3 mo ago)

SongoftheSouth said:


> cnelso22 this is all a legal process. you should absolutely know what the laws are in your state to avoid making a big mistake. Sign nothing until you have competent legal cousel. Sounds like he has left marital residence which is kind of dumb without a separation agreement in place


 Nothing of the sort in place. And has been gone since may. Could this count as abandonment?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Cnelso22 said:


> Nothing of the sort in place. And has been gone since may. Could this count as abandonment?


Possibly. Talk to an attorney asap!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Cnelso22 said:


> Hey everyone. I posted awhile back about my separation. My husband cannot commit to a divorce but insists on living separately. Last year(21) we bought the home of our dreams. We have 3 kids and it is big enough for the whole family. Though I love the home, for me it’s beginning to feel like a prison. I’m trapped with all these reminders of my failing marriage. Or all the nights I’ve spent alone here. Since our house payment is relatively high, we cannot afford another payment for his rent. So he comes here to visit the kids on weekends. It always messes with my head and I end up feeling like a total emotional mess afterward. He has always maintained we’d never sell this house, but I’m thinking it may be for the best. Has anyone had similar situations? Thanks!


You need to get an attorney and divorce and split custody with the kids. You'll have to sell the house. It's not a dream home if the people in it aren't happy.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

And it's clear he only wants to see the kids 2 days a week but when you're with the attorney if you're living in the United States you should insist he has 50/50 custody of them so that you have time to work and make a living and have leisure Time and aren't just stuck doing the same thing over and over like you are now. He will have to split the responsibility and take care of the kids when they're his.


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