# Trying to reconcile



## Ladybug77 (Oct 8, 2021)

So I cheated on my husband about 20 years ago and since then I have been faithful besides texting with a friend ( of the opposite sex ) about our problems. No lines were crossed there, but he felt there was. Now we have been married for 23 years and he always brings it up and he says he doesn't trust me and he feels like I'm not telling him everything although I am. He just makes me feel so worthless sometimes, but I know that it's just the pain I caused him in the past. What should I do?


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

You shouldn't discuss marital problems with a friend of the opposite sex. I'm pressed for time at the moment but others will soon chime in.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The price for stolen goods are initially, very inexpensive.
When the authorities find out, then there is that bigger price to pay.

You know this.

Continue on the good path, there is no other answer, then him eventually forgiving you.
If he had forgiven you, he would not bring it up, over and over.

He is the one who must mend.
This is all normal.

Painfully normal. 

Keep yourself and him busy.


_Are Dee-_


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

First you need to be honest with him and yourself. You were in the beginning stages of an EA that with your history of poor boundaries would probably have led to a full sexual affair. He knows this and that’s what hurts him. He forgave you before and here you were again, on the road to adultery. 

The talking about marital problems with someone of the opposite sex is so common as a first step of an EA. Many guys will key in on the signals you’re sending and will start to do what’s called mirroring. They will talk about their marital problems which helps to build comfort with the woman. Secondly, the OM will try to make himself into the type of guy that’s the opposite of the things you’re complaining about.

To make your husband feel safer, you should be an open book until he feels secure. That would include giving him access to your devices and letting him know your whereabouts when you go out. You can also work on building intimacy with your husband by both of you working together on your short comings. Meaning that he. Works on the things that you wish he would do differently and the same with you. You guys have a long history together and even though you betrayed your young marriage, it is worth making the effort to turn things around. If you have kids, I’m sure they would want to keep the family intact, even if their approaching their exits.


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## karmagoround (Aug 27, 2021)

Ladybug77 said:


> So I cheated on my husband about 20 years ago and since then I have been faithful besides texting with a friend ( of the opposite sex ) about our problems. No lines were crossed there, but he felt there was. Now we have been married for 23 years and he always brings it up and he says he doesn't trust me and he feels like I'm not telling him everything although I am. He just makes me feel so worthless sometimes, but I know that it's just the pain I caused him in the past. What should I do?


You probably didn't know. Texting with opposite sex when committed is just plain poison. Maybe you know that now. 

Your husband might have to miss you for his heart to remember you. But separating is risky as your paths could further separate. Which may turn out okay. Take separate loops and meet in the flip flop for reunification. 

It's too bad that he won't accept your love. But you broke the man. If you do let him go, then you owe him a fair shake. As he does you. 

If he's just going to keep being abusive, then you would be abusing yourself to stay. 

Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Ladybug77 said:


> besides texting with a friend ( of the opposite sex ) about our problems.


When was that? That's a really serious boundary violation.


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

You need to completely let him see everything.. all the texts.. all of it. You should not be texting as others say. If you need someone to talk to find a counselor. Also read this book... it shows you the boundaries that you are not honoring and it shows you how to rebuild the trust that you broke 20 years ago:









Not "just friends" : rebuilding trust and recovering your sanity after infidelity : Glass, Shirley P : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive


Includes bibliographical references and index



archive.org


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Ladybug77 said:


> So I cheated on my husband about 20 years ago and since then I have been faithful besides texting with a friend ( of the opposite sex ) about our problems. No lines were crossed there, but he felt there was. Now we have been married for 23 years and he always brings it up and he says he doesn't trust me and he feels like I'm not telling him everything although I am. He just makes me feel so worthless sometimes, but I know that it's just the pain I caused him in the past. What should I do?


His concern is justified. Speaking of marital problems with a man is the 100% opposite of what a woman should be doing, even a woman with NO infidelity background, let alone one with a track record. Marital problem discussions are intimate ones. Intimate discussions can lead to emotional connectivity. Emotional connectivity leads to emotional affairs. Emotional affairs leads to physical affairs. 

You were on the doorstep. Trust in wayward spouses are always dicey, fragile and susceptible to getting compromised by a careless wayward who may not have learned what's appropriate and what's not. It's very important to understand the depth of pain resulting from being betrayed is so great, even decades passed will not dull the betrayed person's triggers. 

He continues to by hyper sensitive so that he can protect his heart. Having personal, marital talks with another man is well known among men, as THE fastest way to getting a woman to VOLUNTARILY remove their clothes. His heart is fragile and your actions have created a slight crack where it was once broken.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

Welcome to TAM @Ladybug77 
Let's be honest now by your OP you have to be in your late 30's to early 40's. I assume even though you never said in your OP that your affair 20 years ago was probably both EA and PA and I am sure you lied to your husband multiple times back then about what you were doing, where you were going or was and so on. Now he has caught you again talking/texting with another man and to make it even worse you are talking about your husband with him. Again, you just said your were texting with a male friend I would also assume you have seen this guy in person as well. Of course he is going to be upset and it brings back all of those bad memories from 20 years ago. If you are having problems in your marriage it should be discussed with your husband or with a counselor not a male friend. I would also say that when you were found out 20 years ago you told your husband you would not do that or anything like it again.

I think you need to come clean and apologize to your husband for your mistake and that it was wrong to discuss your marriage issues with another man. Then take it as an opportunity to address the issues with your husband or discuss seeing a MC together. If will not accept this or believe you (with your past track record he may not) but you will have done all you can and it may be time to divorce and move on. That would be between you and husband only and no one else should be involved with that especially another man. Best of luck!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Ladybug77 said:


> So I cheated on my husband about 20 years ago and since then I have been faithful besides texting with a friend ( of the opposite sex ) about our problems. No lines were crossed there, but he felt there was. Now we have been married for 23 years and he always brings it up and he says he doesn't trust me and he feels like I'm not telling him everything although I am. He just makes me feel so worthless sometimes, but I know that it's just the pain I caused him in the past. What should I do?


Your friend, his friend, or a mutual friend?

Either way, the takeaway from this is that adultey really is the gift that keeps on giving.


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## SRCSRC (Nov 28, 2020)

Given your history, I would feel very uncomfortable with a wife that cheated who maintains a texting relationship with another man. In fact, no married man or woman should have such close relationships with someone of the opposite sex. You compound your error by discussing your marital problems with your text friend. Boundaries have been crossed. Get rid of your male friend if you care about your husband and the marriage. Enough already. Why are you so damn insensitive and clueless? This is a no-brainer. BTW, my ex-wife had a male friend after her first affair. They eventually slept together and we are now divorced. That's what happens.


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## karmagoround (Aug 27, 2021)

Ladybug77 said:


> So I cheated on my husband about 20 years ago and since then I have been faithful besides texting with a friend ( of the opposite sex ) about our problems. No lines were crossed there, but he felt there was. Now we have been married for 23 years and he always brings it up and he says he doesn't trust me and he feels like I'm not telling him everything although I am. He just makes me feel so worthless sometimes, but I know that it's just the pain I caused him in the past. What should I do?


Did you try cards and letters? Unexpected something nice once in a while? 

Have you tried a treadmill? Tone up some... I can almost guarantee you it will change his mood. 

Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

A line was crossed, a really big one:

1. Married women texting a male friend.

That’s enough to hurt any man’s feelings. (I’m female).

You seem pretty dismissive of his feelings. And btw he’s not making you feel worthless, it’s more that you don’t want to feel the shame and guilt for your own acts. Because cheating and now texting your male friend is supposed to feel good. But here’s someone ruining the fun for you. So you’re not feeling worthless, that’s something different. 

How did he catch you texting? Are you in trouble now?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Ladybug,

It's not just your intent that is a problem, it's that your BH perceives the "friend" as a affair partner in waiting.

BTW bonding over discussing marital problems is a classic way affair start, and OM types know it.

Did you offer to take a polygraph for the affair from years ago and for this incident. What did your BH do about the OM?

Is the "friend" married your BH should discuss this with his W.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Ladybug,

*So I cheated on my husband about 20 years ago and since then I have been faithful *

That statement almost sounds like you did the minimum were faithful but didn't love him, perhaps staying out of duty or for the children?

You can also ask your BH if he would like a timeline. Often the unfaithful spouse gives a list of small stories about the affair which the betrayed spouse tries to knit together in a cohesive narrative with difficulty. 

If you trickle truthed your BH for months he may have completely lost faith in you and accepted as a fact that he will never get the facts.

Is the "friend" in any way associated with the OM, do you still live near the OM or run into him on occasion?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Ladybug77 said:


> So I cheated on my husband about 20 years ago and since then I have been faithful besides texting with a friend ( of the opposite sex ) about our problems. No lines were crossed there, but he felt there was. Now we have been married for 23 years and he always brings it up and he says he doesn't trust me and he feels like I'm not telling him everything although I am. He just makes me feel so worthless sometimes, but I know that it's just the pain I caused him in the past. What should I do?


How do you feel he feels? What do you think your cheating did to him?


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## jparistotle (Jul 10, 2018)

Ladybug77 said:


> So I cheated on my husband about 20 years ago and since then I have been faithful besides texting with a friend ( of the opposite sex ) about our problems. No lines were crossed there, but he felt there was. Now we have been married for 23 years and he always brings it up and he says he doesn't trust me and he feels like I'm not telling him everything although I am. He just makes me feel so worthless sometimes, but I know that it's just the pain I caused him in the past. What should I do?


"No lines were crossed there, but he felt there was." You husband is correct. You did coss a line. You are talking to another man about your issues with your husband. You are emotionally cheating on him with another man. Ask yourself why does your relationshipand and its issues anyone elses business but you and your husband. That is what couseling is for. Not sure why this "friend" cares so much about what is going on in your relationship. Most people would steered away form that type of converstation unles they are in an affair. 
What if your husband found another women to talk to about your issues? Would you be OK with that. My wife would not.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

karmagoround said:


> If he's just going to keep being abusive, then you would be abusing yourself to stay.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk


Where did she say he was being abusive? You are reading more into it than she is saying. She said he keeps bringing up her past cheating, which he has every right to do, since she obviously learned little from it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Ladybug77 said:


> So I cheated on my husband about 20 years ago and *since then I have been faithful besides texting with a friend ( of the opposite sex ) about our problems. *No lines were crossed there, but he felt there was. Now we have been married for 23 years and he always brings it up and he says he doesn't trust me and he feels like I'm not telling him everything although I am. He just makes me feel so worthless sometimes, but I know that it's just the pain I caused him in the past. What should I do?


Lol, you know your actions are so horrid that you can’t even bring yourself to plainly say “I’ve been talking to another MAN whom I’m friends with about our marital problems.
As someone else pointed out, what is his interest in your marital problems?
Cheated on your husband and now you’ve got yourself a manfriend that you talk about your bad husband with? 
And you say, “BUT no lines have been crossed…”
Well, your husband doesn’t like it, shouldn’t like it, you know he doesn’t like it, you’re doing it anyway………. You bet your ass “a line has been crossed”. You’re telling your personal business to another man (your husbands personal business alsoAFTER he graciously gave you another chance (I wouldn’t have) and this is the best you can do?

You should be ashamed of yourself for valuing this manfriend and your “friebdship” over the feelings of your husband.

He’s have every moral right to divorce you, and he should. You don’t have boundaries, you have poor judgement, and you are NOT a safe partner. You certainly don’t make him feel safe, do you?

So anyway, you asked for an opinion, there’s mine.


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## karmagoround (Aug 27, 2021)

Ladybug77 said:


> He just makes me feel so worthless sometimes, but I know that it's just the pain I caused him in the past. What should I do?


How is it going ladybug? How often is "sometimes? Did you guys get counseling? 

You made him feel worthless too. 
May you both see the day when you can't both find great value for each other. And feel that good sense of security that you are valued.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You were wrong to cheat. He was wrong to hold onto a conversation with a friend all this time. But trust doesn't come back from cheating. It won't. So you decide if it's manageable to live with it and any further restrictions it has you acquiescing to or if you should just get out and be on your own and be able to breathe again.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Ladybug77 Why did you cheat 20 years ago? 

What led up to the cheating?

Why are you telling another man about the problems you and your husband are having? He would, with good reason, feel that to be disloyal and the first steps to more infidelity.

Rather than talking to a male friend, have you thought about counselling?


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Ladybug. Been around a few men whose wives stepped out years ago. One overriding fact; the result of her affair and his staying is a severe affectation on the self-esteem. I have worked with males who accepted and rugswept their wives' affairs. It. broke. them. You need to tell OM goodbye. You need to go through all of the recommended post affair behaviors, in an effort to re-establish his ego. I have numerous horror stories of men that exploded in various time frames subsequent to their wives" affairs. Those are the behaviors you are going to desperately want to avoid. Suffice to say that most end in scorched earth for one, if not both partners. I have had men assault their wives' lovers at their place of business. I have had husbands attend their wife's place of business and expose the wife and her lover to senior management of their employer. I had one woman who was articling for a law firm after four long years of Law School. Her husband attended her firm. By lunch time, it was clear, she would never be a lawyer. She was ejected from her firm. She could not complete her articling, and was black balled from every major firm in the country. Her AP was a partner in her firm, he was brought up on ethics charges with the local law society, and stripped. He lost his wife and children, and lost most of his settlements to his wife. He began work as a paralegal, at a significant reduction in pay. Infidelity, in my experience, can be the shock that starts the tidal wave. I have met very wayward spouses whose life was not affected in almost every way.


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## Cat4lives (11 mo ago)

Ladybug77 said:


> So I cheated on my husband about 20 years ago and since then I have been faithful besides texting with a friend ( of the opposite sex ) about our problems. No lines were crossed there, but he felt there was. Now we have been married for 23 years and he always brings it up and he says he doesn't trust me and he feels like I'm not telling him everything although I am. He just makes me feel so worthless sometimes, but I know that it's just the pain I caused him in the past. What should I do?


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## Cat4lives (11 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Lol, you know your actions are so horrid that you can’t even bring yourself to plainly say “I’ve been talking to another MAN whom I’m friends with about our marital problems.
> As someone else pointed out, what is his interest in your marital problems?
> Cheated on your husband and now you’ve got yourself a manfriend that you talk about your bad husband with?
> And you say, “BUT no lines have been crossed…”
> ...


Good Points worth listening too!


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## Cat4lives (11 mo ago)

Quit talking to men, they cannot be your friend. Give your husband the respect he deserves or let him free. If you're going to commit to this marriage, you need to give all you have and if it isn't enough, give some more, or get out and set the guy free.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Ladybug77 said:


> So I cheated on my husband about 20 years ago and since then I have been faithful besides texting with a friend ( of the opposite sex ) about our problems. No lines were crossed there, but he felt there was. Now we have been married for 23 years and he always brings it up and he says he doesn't trust me and he feels like I'm not telling him everything although I am. He just makes me feel so worthless sometimes, but I know that it's just the pain I caused him in the past. What should I do?


Wow,this is a lot like my story with my wife.
I never knew it was 20 something Years ago,I didnt know.
It's not easy for either spouse in a case like this.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ladybug77 said:


> So I cheated on my husband about 20 years ago and since then I have been faithful besides texting with a friend ( of the opposite sex ) about our problems. No lines were crossed there, but he felt there was. Now we have been married for 23 years and he always brings it up and he says he doesn't trust me and he feels like I'm not telling him everything although I am. He just makes me feel so worthless sometimes, but I know that it's just the pain I caused him in the past. What should I do?


Try responding to some of the posters here and give us more background about your marriage and affair.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Looks like she disappeared four months ago after one post and hasn’t logged in since.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Openminded said:


> Looks like she disappeared four months ago after one post and hasn’t logged in since.


Damn


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

calvin said:


> Damn


Unfortunately, that happens all the time. Wish they would stick around.


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## bricks (Aug 14, 2017)

just my take, but it seems the previous reconciliation was superficial. Your husband has not trusted you for the last 20 years, and you just proved him right by oversharing with affair-potential.

And also my take, your husband does not really want this to work out. I say that as the spouse of someone who was never 100% trustworthy.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Lady, you have the wrong attitude.
you cheated on him, and had a semi emotional affair just recently with another man.

Of course he does not trust you.
how about you hand your phone and computer over to husband, and tell him "hold onto these until i can be trusted again".

yes, it is that bad


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

He doesn't trust you because you are not trustworthy.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Ladybug77 How are you doing?


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