# Need to spill my guts.



## daydreamer (Apr 18, 2011)

I live in a small town, and don't feel like I can talk to anyone about what is going on. I don't want people looking at my husband in a different way, because he is still the father of my daughter, and she needs to grow up respecting her dad no matter what. I'm trying to be the bigger person and do the right thing. However, I need to tell someone and get some feed back, support, etc. 

I've been with my husband for 8 years (married for 2.5 years). A few times throughout our relationship, I have wondered if I was with the right person because my husband as a problem with lying. Also, he quit a fairly good paying job for min wage as soon as I finished school and got my job. He has crappy credit, so the mortgage, car, and all of the bills except one, were paid by me. Either way, I just convinced myself that I was just suffering from the grass is greener syndrome. 

In the past he was in the Over draft on his account. I got him out of it (by showing him how to manage his money and pay it off). Once he was out of it, I asked him to take the OD off of his account, so he wouldn't get back into it. He said no, he wanted to keep it for emergencies. Now it looks like he may never have been out of OD. I got him on track with improving his credit. And then.....

In the past few months I have really been thinking about splitting, but wasn't sure how serious I really was, because it could have been the grass is greener syndrome. Plus we have a toddler, and I would never want to hurt or harm her in any way. 

Then a few weeks ago I was thinking about the bills and such. He had deposited his whole check in our joint acct, and usually around the beginning of the month, he has to put some in his personal account to cover the car insurance. He said no, it wasn't due till friday, and I was pretty sure it was due before then. He said "Oh. Oh well, I guess I missed it." My name is on the insurance too, so I was really mad because that affects my credit too, and he only has one freaking bill to take care of!!!!


So I got to thinking, and I wanted him to go and print out his recent transactions to see how many insurance payments he has missed, but I didn't trust him not to get rid of some of the papers and misrepresent it. Then I remembered he had gotten online banking. So I got him to open it up, and he took his time, playing around. He finally got it up, and then I wanted to see it. He got upset, and I asked what the big deal was and he said that it was "Like you don't trust me." I said I DON'T because he lies. He said that this payment was the only one he had missed, and was quite adamant about it. So I sat in front of the computer and found out that he had hundreds of dollars in NSF charges, he had missed the insurance payments a few times, and had an overdraft of over $600!! And I looked a little closer and found out that he had been put in collections because he hasn't made payments on his OD! I couldn't believe it. I knew nothing of the sort. As far as I knew, everything was being paid, and he had no OD. 

Then things started to really come out. He told me he had been getting a lot of telemarketers calling. But it was really collections. He told me that the mail he got from the bank was about his RRSPs. It was actually notices about his OD. He told me that the letter he got from the insurance was about our renewal. It was a notice of cancellation. When I found out about all of this, we were a week away from having no insurance on either car. He had to come up with over $500 in order to save it. This affects my credit too. I went back through the history of his account, and found out that he has had some sort of OD balance as far back as the history goes (april 2010.) 

So the next day, I asked him to leave. But he had no where to go, and his car broke down months ago, but he never fixed it, we just used my car. So he stayed with me for 4 more days before he went to his moms. 

We've been separated for almost 2 weeks now. I'm doing fine with the baby and balancing the house and work so far, although I've discovered I don't have enough arm power to start the lawn mower! CRAP!

We haven't really told anyone yet. Close family knows, and I told one person at work today. When I told that person, she was completely shocked, almost horrified, and I actually felt ashamed that I have separated. Its not being away from him, its failing at my marriage that bothers me, if that makes any sense.... But I don't feel like there is anything I can do. I don't feel like there is anything he can say that he hasn't said every other time he has lied. I don't feel like there is anything left to say for me either. I don't think he can change. And really, I don't know if I even want to do anything about this. How do you trust someone again after something like this? I know that I am still a bit upset, and I know I have to let that ease before I really make a decision, but things are not looking good right now. How would you feel/react? Thank-you for reading/hearing me out.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Let me get this straight, he normally puts all his money in a joint account, but is also supposed to paying car insurance in another but didnt', so you trashed your marriage and kicked out the father of your child????? Is there something I'm missing here? Is there something else he is spending money on?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I could be very wrong... But if he's a good guy OTHER than the financial issues, can't that be worked out? There's financial counseling available in most areas, lots of books, etc. You could simply take over the financial side... He gives you his paycheck, you give him a weekly cash allowance, and the issue should be much smaller.

In the end, it's probably going to cost you a lot more than the $500 to get rid of him through a divorce. And I can understand how/why you're upset. My wife had a tendency to spend until our bank account was drained, although I took care of all the bills. My solution... Give her access to an account that had limited funds in it; our discretionary money. If she wanted to embarrass herself by having her bank card declined at the grocery store, that was her business. In hindsight, I probably should have pushed more for the education approach, since I've moved out for other reasons, and she's got to survive on her own... 

Oh, and there is a specific financial forum, if you want to try that...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Frost (Aug 2, 2010)

My first wife was a compulsive shopper and had many similar issues and drove us to have to file bankruptcy. As soon as her money supply ran out she found another man and was gone within three months. 

The trust you lose in these situations isn't likely to be mended unless the other person can seriously make changes. In your situation the only possible solution I see is that your husband would have to turn complete control of the money over to you other than a cash allowance that you give him each pay day. By compl;ete control, I mean entire control. He has no access to the bank account and all utilities, vehicles are not in his name. If he will not agree to this for at least a year, then there is likely no alternative other than to call your marriage quits.

I am sorry you are having to go through this, but I can tell you life will go on and things will get better. Just do what is best for you and your daughter.


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## daydreamer (Apr 18, 2011)

For me, it's not the money. It's the fact that he lied, kept secrets, and did things behind my back, and completely blind-sided me. He's been keeping this lie for over a year. IMHO, he trashed our marriage by doing this.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Good luck with that.....


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## daydreamer (Apr 18, 2011)

Locard: I put all my money in a joint account and pay ALL the bills except that one. It is his one responsibility. I asked him to get rid of his OD and switch that bill into our account years ago, he didn't. He told me the OD was gone, and it was not. And then got put into collections for it, as well as being a week away from having our insurance cancelled, even though we had the money to pay it. 

So I get the feeling that you feel that I should stay in a marriage where someone lies to me and can't be trusted? Why do you feel this way? I'm not looking for a fight, I just really don't understand that train of thought, and would like to.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Sounds like it's too late now but when all this started why didn't you just take over and handle all the finances?


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

My issue is where is the money going? Is there just not enough to go around? I know I might sound like I'm being harsh here and I am, this is a HUGE dicession that will affect not only you but your baby. You should NOT be lied to! But lets think about this for a minute.


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## daydreamer (Apr 18, 2011)

I truly have no idea what he did with the $600 in OD. I had no idea about it. He says he doesn't know either. He tends to nickel and dime money away. And as for the payments, we had the money, and we have savings for the OD that we could have used instead of him going into collections..... so I really don't understand why he let it go this far.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Locard said:


> My issue is where is the money going? Is there just not enough to go around? I know I might sound like I'm being harsh here and I am, this is a HUGE dicession that will affect not only you but your baby. You should NOT be lied to! But lets think about this for a minute.


Constant deception, putting you at risk with auto coverage and the others are all signals that this guy can't be trusted. You're not married to one of those people we call an adult, so you shouldn't feel ashamed to have to treat him like a child. What you said was that you worked with him in the past, didn't hold it against him that he changed to a dead end job, yet he continued to try to hide things. Hopefully, he isn't hiding more. How would you know?

My brother was married to someone like this. After the marriage, he found that she was so far in debt that he had to empty out his own nest egg. A few years later, after she promised not to get in debt, he found that she was over ten thousand in credit card debt. For a while, he separated. They didn't get back together until she signed up and completed some basic classes on budgeting.

Thing is, if our spouse just comes clean before it gets ugly, most of us will forgive. We have our own faults. My opinion is that he needs to come to the place where he can make you believe that it won't happen again, and then, and only then, you get him to agree to a higher level of accountability.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Fair enough, I'm just asking you to put this in perspective, maybe you have, just think about this. Raising a child is hard enought with both of you working together! I wish you the best, sincerely.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Daydreamer, I understand what you're saying with regards to the trust. Once lost, for whatever reason, it's difficult to rebuild. And as Halien says, it's almost like having another child to take care of, if you have to do things or control things because you can't trust him.

Having said that, you do have a child together. Do you feel right now that you could look your daughter in the face and tell her that as a couple, you did everything you could to work through this? 
Has he gone to counseling? As a couple, have you?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

To be perfectly blunt, the guys a bum, he is obviously immature, irresponsible, and cannot be trusted, you did the right thing. You seem to be doing fine without him. Just get your neighbor to start your lawnmower.


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## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

please go to the financial infidelity forum. this is what this is actually...if you search my name,,you will see that I was an offender but I have owned my actions..became transparent and now..am in charge of family finances because I am so much better at it (his words...lol)...there is hope..but only if he is honest with you and more importantly HIMSELF..from someone who has been HIM


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Wow Franklinfx, I would be kind of upset if someone told me that person I spent 8 years with and just recently had a baby with was a bum, but I think this is just what she wanted to hear!


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Locard said:


> Wow Franklinfx, I would be kind of upset if someone told me that person I spent 8 years with and just recently had a baby with was a bum, but I think this is just what she wanted to hear!


 If you told the same story as she did, how could you be upset? Shes suffering now cause this guy cant get his financial chit together. I feel sorry for her. what else would you call him?


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## daydreamer (Apr 18, 2011)

Halien said:


> Constant deception, putting you at risk with auto coverage and the others are all signals that this guy can't be trusted. You're not married to one of those people we call an adult, so you shouldn't feel ashamed to have to treat him like a child. What you said was that you worked with him in the past, didn't hold it against him that he changed to a dead end job, yet he continued to try to hide things. Hopefully, he isn't hiding more. How would you know?
> 
> Thing is, if our spouse just comes clean before it gets ugly, most of us will forgive. We have our own faults. My opinion is that he needs to come to the place where he can make you believe that it won't happen again, and then, and only then, you get him to agree to a higher level of accountability.


 That's the thing. He has lied so much in the past about many different things, there isn't anything he can say at this time that would make me believe that it wouldn't happen again. Its all been said a ton of times, and lies still followed....



PBear said:


> Daydreamer, I understand what you're saying with regards to the trust. Once lost, for whatever reason, it's difficult to rebuild. And as Halien says, it's almost like having another child to take care of, if you have to do things or control things because you can't trust him.
> 
> Having said that, you do have a child together. Do you feel right now that you could look your daughter in the face and tell her that as a couple, you did everything you could to work through this?
> Has he gone to counseling? As a couple, have you?
> ...


 Yes I absolutely feel like I was living with a child. Not only with regards to money, but other things as well. We have not gone to counseling. I suggested it before this last incident, and he said he didn't think we needed it. Then when this last incident went down, he told me he was going to call around right away and get some counseling. That was weeks ago, and I've heard nothing. And I am not going to tell him to do it. Not this time. 



donewithit said:


> please go to the financial infidelity forum. this is what this is actually...if you search my name,,you will see that I was an offender but I have owned my actions..became transparent and now..am in charge of family finances because I am so much better at it (his words...lol)...there is hope..but only if he is honest with you and more importantly HIMSELF..from someone who has been HIM


 Financial Infidelity. Hmm. I have never heard of such a thing, but right away the term speaks to me. Thank-you, I'll check it out soon!



Locard said:


> Wow Franklinfx, I would be kind of upset if someone told me that person I spent 8 years with and just recently had a baby with was a bum, but I think this is just what she wanted to hear!


Locard. You couldn't be more wrong. What I want to hear is different people's takes on a portion of what is/has been going on in my relationship. Good or bad. I want to hear things that make me think or see something in a different light. That's exactly what I am getting, and I thank everyone for that.


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