# jealousy and trust ! whats normal



## savemeplease (Aug 25, 2011)

i am wondering if it would be considered normal ok so your very attractive husband starts a job and you find that he is working with a very attractive female is it normal like say if you see her and a wave of jealousy comes over you ? i dont mean to actually worry hes gonna do something but is the overall feeling of jealousy over this situation normal cause i think it is.i left my husband this morning and really need to talk i didnt leave about this issue but there are alot of issues that im having that i need advice on


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If there has been nothing done by him or her to warrant that "wave of jealousY" then I'd say you sound really insecure.

There are hot women everyone. Men, too. It's part of life. 

If you left your husband just because there is a hot chick at his work, then it sounds like you need to work on other things--has he cheated on you in the past. Elaborate on why you left him.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Jealosy is when others are getting something (eg attention from your H) that you want for yourself. Regardless of whether they are attractive or not, or even if they are male or female, coworkers do get that professional attention at his place of work, that is what he is payed for (but is that really the kind of attention that you would have much value for anyway?). Where it concerns *Love and affection*, it's other women that are jealous of you.

If he is having an inappropriate relationship with this coworker then you should be concerned, but if there are no indications then it is your insecurity that is the problem.


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## savemeplease (Aug 25, 2011)

well he dont work that was actually a question that i asked him and it was the other way around i asked him cause he believes no amount of jealousy is normal in a relationship ( if you are married) that was just a question i asked him in our last fight last night that if i got a job knowing im a hot chick and if i was working with some buff hot guy would he even be the slighest bit jealous and he said no and it just bothered me 
i left him cause 
ok when i met him i lived far away from him and i gave up everything to go and move in with him but before i did this i was 100% honest with him about what i expected when it comes to bounderies with other women and that would be our only issue is if he did things that werent appropriate when it comes to other chicks ( yes i do have some issues with past relationships as we all do) ive been with guys that would do everything from stare a girl down with me right there to making constant comments about other women) so i told him these bounderies that i expect out of a relationship you know i wanna feel like his only one and i want him to feel like mine ( which he does) but in the beginning even though i told him this stuff he still didnt respect my bounderies he told an x girlfriend online that she was the best but atleast he got 2nd best now the problem is that he seen nothing wrong with this he said it was a harmless joke then before i moved in he had an xs nighty still in his closet after not being with this girl or really talking to her at all all that time i told him before i move in i would like that gone so he got rid of it but not before sending her a message and telling her what i said and did she want it back and i thought that was wrong and again he did not so because of those things and a few other incidents he took him self away from me and we were very much in love laying in bed for hours staring at each other and stuff like that and after those fights he was very distant and blames me for not trusting him he also bought a harley on payments two weeks before he quit his job and he promised me that he would not quit untill he had the money saved for our wedding and he did not do that either there are just alot of things he has done to me to loose my trust but he blames me for not trusting him and the trust is not about weather or not hes gonna cheat its 90% that i dont trust him with my heart that im safe with him or that my best intrests are at heart hes in school but all he does is play playstation all day and he sais its to not feel the stress of not taking care of his family but hes loosing everyone cause of this


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## savemeplease (Aug 25, 2011)

he has given other females more attention than me and this is something i have had to point out to him like if there is another chick around he talks to them actual conversation not short answers like i get


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## savemeplease (Aug 25, 2011)

i have been very good to this man i came in and helped him with his out of control 3 children i told him he could quit his job and go to school when the time was right i cook for him i clean for him i dont flirt with guys or allow them to flirt with me he plays playstation all the time and i stopped fighting with him over that like a year ago i give him everything he wants . and i have been honest with him about everything i have never told him a lie


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## savemeplease (Aug 25, 2011)

and he has never trusted me either from the very beginning he thought i was gonna leave him and he has thought that up until i did today


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## savemeplease (Aug 25, 2011)

now my self esteem is total crap and i dont know what to do i feel like i have been begging for him to just love me for a year and a half


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## savemeplease (Aug 25, 2011)

im not a person that likes conflict so when i first started going to him with things that bothered me like the constant playstation after only being together for a few months and going to him to tell him stuff like that was hard and hes passive aggressive so that hurt my trust too i went to this man that i loved to tell him things that bother me and right away he feels bad for himself not that his wife feels unloved or what ever just that oh no he failed and then the blame comes on so its was hard to trust him


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Are you filing separation/divorce? It seems like there were a lot of problems here. 

Without trust & respect, IMO, there is no good foundation.


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## savemeplease (Aug 25, 2011)

i get the feeling he only married me so that he could feel like i wouldnt leave


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## savemeplease (Aug 25, 2011)

i dont know what to do im so confused right now


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## savemeplease (Aug 25, 2011)

he tells me he loves me and im the best thing thats ever happened to him but i feel like im only his best friend but i dont even know if were that he doesnt see me for who i am being passive aggressive he takes everything that i say and makes it bigger than it is


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## savemeplease (Aug 25, 2011)

like when i told him im not that chick that your gonna go places with and be checking out other women and im gonna be fine with it he thinks i dont even want him to notice them or look anywhere and hes constantly afraid hes gonna get in trouble for everything , but its not like that at all


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok well what is your plan? Are eyou going to divorce or file for separation? Have you spoken to him since you left?


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## savemeplease (Aug 25, 2011)

ive have never even come close to accusing him of it and its like he worries every time we are out


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## savemeplease (Aug 25, 2011)

do you think we should divorce ? yes i spoke to him hes just really depressed and ready to give up i think


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## savemeplease (Aug 25, 2011)

he didnt tell me to leave i think i wanted to see if he would fight for me but at the same time i almost dont want him to


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

savemeplease said:


> do you think we should divorce ?


That is a MAJOR life decision that only you and he can make.

What do you want??


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## savemeplease (Aug 25, 2011)

i want him to be in love with me but i have been trying to get him to see that im not happy for months he use to write me a poem everyday and play fight with me and all kinds of stuff and i just want him back we get along very well when im feeling good about us its just so easy to start to feel VERY insecure and if i tell him that im feeling like i need more he tries but i think i gotta trust him for him to get it back and i cant if i cant even talk to him and be heard we fight everytime i try to talk to him but the strange part is he really tries for a few weeks after then it just goes back to the same thing i dont know im just so hurt that he doesnt talk to me


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Can you guys try marriage counselling???


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## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

Well if you want to save the marriage you two need to talk this out. Counseling. It's the one place you can be free to talk. However, I sense a lot of immaturity on both sides here. Marriage is work. It takes commitment on both sides. It's not just making you feel like you have all of his love and attention, it's giving him the space to do that freely. It's knowing he's a man and men will sometimes "look at" another woman, like say in passing. We're visual beings. A passing glance can simply be hormones and eye candy getting the better of him. Long stares, conversations where you're ignored, etc. are issues, however. It's also him having respect for you and what makes you uncomfortable. It's a balance. Is it normal to have a little jealousy? I think so. No one wants someone else to draw their spouse's attention. But this sounds like something you're obsessing over. You may very well have good reason but you need to get some idea of what is and isn't healthy. It doesn't sound like you really have that.


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## savemeplease (Aug 25, 2011)

i think hes ready to give up


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## lht285 (Aug 25, 2011)

I think that sprinter made a lot of good points. There are attractive people all around us everyday. I would hope that your husband knows better than to even think about "dipping his pen in the company ink". You seem very insecure about your marriage when I have not read anything in your post to make me assume that he has ever wandered in your marriage. There are a lot of posts on these forums that have a lot of red flags about cheating, yours is not one of them. I think you need to get some counseling about the way you feel and work on gaining some self confidence. I expect your husband is frustrated about the fact that he is constantly accused of things when he has done nothing. I would do my best to reign in your worries, take some time to have conversations that are about both your needs, and try and get past worrying. You can't control other people you can only control yourself, but if you get happy with yourself your husband will notice your happiness and it will build happiness in him. Sadness, jealousy and anger can mirror back just the same as happiness. Wouldn't you rather be happy and thus make him feel happy too? Work on that!


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## savemeplease (Aug 25, 2011)

lht285 said:


> I think that sprinter made a lot of good points. There are attractive people all around us everyday. I would hope that your husband knows better than to even think about "dipping his pen in the company ink". You seem very insecure about your marriage when I have not read anything in your post to make me assume that he has ever wandered in your marriage. There are a lot of posts on these forums that have a lot of red flags about cheating, yours is not one of them. I think you need to get some counseling about the way you feel and work on gaining some self confidence. I expect your husband is frustrated about the fact that he is constantly accused of things when he has done nothing. I would do my best to reign in your worries, take some time to have conversations that are about both your needs, and try and get past worrying. You can't control other people you can only control yourself, but if you get happy with yourself your husband will notice your happiness and it will build happiness in him. Sadness, jealousy and anger can mirror back just the same as happiness. Wouldn't you rather be happy and thus make him feel happy too? Work on that!


you are not reading everything obviously this is just something i told him when i first met him 2 years ago (that i will not be with a man that is drooling over chicks in front of me)i have never accused him of anything in that two years hes the one constantly worried that hes gonna screw up


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## savemeplease (Aug 25, 2011)

i do not think he would wander , i dont trust him with my heart


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## savemeplease (Aug 25, 2011)

i dont think hes gonna cheat at all ( do i think he would make an innapropriate decision with another woman for a man in a relationship) yes but cheat no


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## savemeplease (Aug 25, 2011)

and yes im insecure and so is he he has been since i met him but i have been just in the last year


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## savemeplease (Aug 25, 2011)

and there is a big difference in noticing and checking out other women and the things i told him when i first met him were things we women should not half to tell men they should just know that unless your with some tramp women dont like there men checking out or commenting on other women


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## savemeplease (Aug 25, 2011)

but there are lots of women out there that dont have the self esteem to stick up for themselves on topics like this they think if they say anything that they will not be the cool chick that dont care you can do whatever but they are not demanding respect for themself so they are probly gonna get screwed over in the end
ya i probly should not have started with honesty like that i should have just seen if he was that guy and if i seen that he was i should not have chose him i think we all wanna feel like the person we are with feels like there only one but society accepts it for people to be open sexually and relationships rarely have the bounderies they should


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## lht285 (Aug 25, 2011)

If you are looking for a man who will not look at women you will probably find that they are looking at men instead. You are actually causing him to take looking underground instead of just looking openly. 
I look at women openly around my wife, I also make comments to my wife about their level of attractiveness. I also make the same comments to my wife regarding the attractiveness of men. Do I want to have sex with these women? Of course I do, sorry I am a guy. Will I ruin my marriage by having sex with them? ABSOLUTELY NOT. I love my wife, but I am a man. I can control my desires and yet enjoy my fantasies. If you suppress these desires they go underground. When they go underground you stop communicating. This is BAD. 

I have so far had a happy 20 year marriage and 25 year relationship with my wife. She is my best friend, my lover, and my support. I always look at other women and think about my wife leaving me because of something stupid, and these other women then look less attractive. I am not an animal, I can control myself. Your husband is not an animal he can control himself. You are setting him up with unattainable goals. 

Anyone you find after him if you are silly enough to let this bother you will do the same things and you will have the same jealousy. You need to work on your own issues.


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