# im a piece of crap and i know it



## dwill (Jul 3, 2012)

i dont even know where to start. My stomach is turning my head is racing and all i can think about is how bad i've screwed my life up. i cant sleep or eat. its now 2am and im still awake. 

So... i cheated on my wife. (i wish you could feel the knot in my throat as i typed this) with a ex g/f 

BACKGROUND ON EX: i had a kid with but it didn't make it through birth witched ruined our relationship along with a series of other events. so yes there are some feeling left for her but no love.

my wife I LOVE WITH ALL MY HEART ,but we got married young b/c we had a kid and where im from its frowned upon to have a child and not be married. im only 24.

im torn between telling her and not saying a word and going back to remaining faithful and just putting this in my past and growing from it. i want to tell her b/c i want to get it off my chest the weight of this is unbearable. honest to god i dont know what to do. i love her and my son so much and i want my child to be able to have both parents growing up b/c that is something i never had. and my wife is a GREAT woman and deserves much better then me. anyways i would just like some advice from anyone who has been through this. maybe some advice on how i could start the conversation so i could tell her b/c thats honestly what i want to do. i never hide stuff from her and we have a great .... well we had a great relationship until i screwed this up. but please does anyone know what i could say?


----------



## Liveagoodlife (Jun 8, 2012)

tell her, she deserves to know, and if she finds out any other way it will be much worse, you cheated but dont add lying to that too


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Liveagoodlife said:


> tell her, she deserves to know, and if she finds out any other way it will be much worse, you cheated but dont add lying to that too


:iagree: with this.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

dwill,

Getting married young is not a reason to cheat on someone you love. You have no boundaries, that's why you cheated. Do you really love your wife? How did you come to fall in the sack with your XGF? You have changed everything for the both of you and your son. How easy was that, for you? You have a lot of work to do, to make sure this never happens again. 

To answer your question, yes you should tell her. The reasons are many. A secret like that will slowly eat away at you. She may find out latter. She has the right to know who you really are. If you love her, tell her. Ect... 

Sit her down and tell her you were selfish and you made a bad decision. Beg her forgiveness. Ask her to go to counseling with you, this will be traumatic, as you already know. Then she can decide if she can forgive your weakness. Good luck.

Forget you XGF. Married men don't socialize with other women, . Put your party days behind you. Your a husband and father now. The only partying you do is with your wife.


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I'm sorry but I didn't even read your whole story.From my point of view,there is no need for a backstory...you cheated.end of story. Any other details you give just look like excuses for your behavior.

You made a bad choice.Tell your wife and face the reality of what you've done.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

first for my chastizing: how could you go thru with the deed with your X, did you not even begin to realize how much pain it would cause?

now for the rest: come clean with your wife, be a man


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I'm not going to judge you because you're doing a good job of that all on your own. 

You've made a mistake, now it's time to own it, make amends and make sure you don't repeat it.

You need to tell your wife and get into counseling. I would suggest IC and MC, as it sounds like you need to learn about boundaries in relationships.

Good luck


----------



## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm gonna be the naysayer here...I heard Dr. Ruth say once (in response to the 'should I tell her' question) that you should not. What good could possibly come of it? You'll just rip her heart out.

She said don't do it again and live with your guilt on your own.

Just sayin'....


----------



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

BeachGuy said:


> I'm gonna be the naysayer here...I heard Dr. Ruth say once (in response to the 'should I tell her' question) that you should not. What good could possibly come of it? You'll just rip her heart out.
> 
> She said don't do it again and live with your guilt on your own.
> 
> Just sayin'....


Wow, someone on the sight who agrees with me!! Live with the guilt and deal with it. Principle vs Reality and in this case you are remorseful, say you won't do it again, have focused on your wife, etc.

Nothing good will come from sharing that little known fact. Just treat your wife like a queen and next time you have this fleeting thought remember this episode and say NO WAY!

I would NEVER WANT TO KNOW ABOUT A ONS if my wife had one. Why screw up my awesome world because you can't keep your little 1 hr issue to yourself!!


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Sooo...you guys can't control yourselves,betray your partner and still get to carry on with your awesome lives just bc you made a promise to yourself to never do it again?

sounds a little too much like cake eating to me.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

_Something two people know is not a secret._


----------



## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

You made your bed, you have to lay in it. If you don't tell her she will eventually find out and it will definitely be a lot worst. Women can sense things so easily.


----------



## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

And if she is like the type of woman I am and she forgives you (I am a christian and my values are strong) Do all you can to help her regain that trust. Do not complain if she isn't so trusting...Be patient with her when she has future concerns remember your the one that ruin the beautiful trust and bond and you have to be man enough to show her she can learn to trust again.


----------



## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

Infidelity doesn't always end marriages. She deserves to know and if you try, you can work through this together.

Besides, better your wife hears it from you..then your ex, who will hold this against you to get whatever she wants...and will probably end up telling your wife regardless of what you do to keep her silent.

If you are married with a child no less...what are you doing still in contact with your ex?...much less still physically meeting up with her.

Turn the tables..how would you feel if your wife hung out alone with her ex while married to you?


----------



## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Sooo...you guys can't control yourselves,betray your partner and still get to carry on with your awesome lives just bc you made a promise to yourself to never do it again?
> 
> sounds a little too much like cake eating to me.


Actually I'm on the fence about it. If he's truly remorseful, then living with the guilt would me much worse (to me) than admitting it. If he told her, then at some point he would be able to feel "clean" and move on. And she would wonder for the rest of her life if he had done it again. I don't think he would "carry on with his awesome life" living with that guilt. Assuming this never happens again.

Btw...it's not just "you guys". Women cheat too.


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> Btw...it's not just "you guys". Women cheat too.


you guys refers to you and the op. I'm aware women cheat,had a woman who cheated been here giving her opinion my post would have been phrased, "sooo...you guys and gal(s)..."


----------



## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

It always seems to me that when people tell their spouses about an affair, it's really about the cheater, not the spouse. They do it so THEY can feel better about what THEY did. What good does telling her do? It will be the worst news she's ever gotten.

Many of you say she deserves to know. Really? She deserves that heartbreak and the pain and mistrust that comes along with it? What did she do to deserve that? What she deserves is a faithful and loving husband and father to her child.

I don't know the answer to this, but I don't think it's as clear cut as you all think. My suggestion is to learn from this terrible error in judgment and live with your shame. If my spouse cheated on me, I'm pretty sure I would not want to know.


----------



## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

dwill said:


> i never hide stuff from her and we have a great .... well we had a great relationship until i screwed this up. but please does anyone know what i could say?


You obviously feel very badly about your situation - sorry for your troubles.

When our kids screw up, we don't lecture or shame them.

You acted in a manner that is not consistent with your own values and sense of integrity and you are feeling afraid and remorseful. Seems appropriate given the action.

You need to take a close look at yourself and try to understand why you would act with such reckless regard to your own self-interest. Maybe you resent your wife as well. I would consider a visit to a therapist to work through these issues.

As for telling your wife, I think you are going to need to tell her at some point. You will be riddled with guilt and it will negatively impact your relationship. One way or the other, there is a pink elephant in the middle of your relationship and your wife will eventually ask. You don't want to compound the problem by lying about it. I think it is only a question of timing.

Every mistake is a learning experience. Hopefully the only thing that dies from this event is the old you who is capable of such self-loathing behavior. 

One thing for certain, you can act with integrity from this point forward and let the chips will fall where they fall. Worrying will not change the outcome. 

I know that is easy to write and hard to implement. Growth is hard.

Good luck.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> im torn between telling her and not saying a word and going back to remaining faithful and just putting this in my past and growing from it.


What make you believe that you would be faithful? You weren't planning on cheating this time, were you? If you weren't planning on it, but you did it anyway, how do you know you won't do it again?

You can't go "back to remaining faithful". You were NOT faithful. You were communicating with your ex, going out with your ex, and had sex with your ex. You would need to *begin *being faithful now.


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Wait... So you also have a kid with your ex?

That means she's not going to go away anytime soon.

Telling your wife means that everytime you have anything to do with your ex, these things will surface in your wife's mind. :/

I'm not sure what you should do in this situation. If I were your wife I would want to know...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

C123 said:


> It always seems to me that when people tell their spouses about an affair, it's really about the cheater, not the spouse. They do it so THEY can feel better about what THEY did. What good does telling her do? It will be the worst news she's ever gotten.
> 
> Many of you say she deserves to know. Really? She deserves that heartbreak and the pain and mistrust that comes along with it? What did she do to deserve that? What she deserves is a faithful and loving husband and father to her child.
> 
> I don't know the answer to this, but I don't think it's as clear cut as you all think. My suggestion is to learn from this terrible error in judgment and live with your shame. If my spouse cheated on me, I'm pretty sure I would not want to know.



I see what your saying but I have been there and not knowing and thinking something is wrong in your marriage that you did and its your fault hurts too cause it is agony. I would NOT want to find out from the girl or someone else. I would have rathered my husband come to me and tell me instead of me finding it in an email. That would have went a long way with me.


----------



## losing my mind (Jul 3, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> I'm gonna be the naysayer here...I heard Dr. Ruth say once (in response to the 'should I tell her' question) that you should not. What good could possibly come of it? You'll just rip her heart out.
> 
> She said don't do it again and live with your guilt on your own.
> 
> Just sayin'....


I agree with this. No good can come from telling her. If you feel that badly about it and you are sure it will never happen again, find x-gf and come to an agreement that you will never see each other or discuss it ever again.


----------



## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

I would want to know. I believe that marriage is a series of constant decisions. Every day I wake up I choose to stay with my husband. I choose that based on who he is and what I know about him. By not telling your wife you deny her the right to make an informed decision about her life. Your wife might not want to be with a husband who cheated, that's her choice. She may not want to risk it happening again. Ignorance may be bliss but it's rarely permanent. And you DON'T want to be the second person to tell her. 

It's great to tell yourself you're being noble and doing her a favor by "hurting" yourself more by keeping it a secret and living with that guilt- but that's a lie. Who's to say it won't happen again, and you cover that up too? I'm sure people who have multiple or long term affairs start out with the same feelings but secrets in a marriage are no bueno.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> I'm gonna be the naysayer here...I heard Dr. Ruth say once (in response to the 'should I tell her' question) that you should not. What good could possibly come of it? You'll just rip her heart out.
> 
> She said don't do it again and live with your guilt on your own.
> 
> Just sayin'....



At one time I would have agreed with you, but these days the world is becoming increasingly smaller and the chances of keeping secrets a lot less. If somewhere down the line the wife finds out from someone else, the chances of the marriage continuing will be a lot less likely...


----------



## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

this isn't some random ONS - you did it with a person you have a history with and with whom you have a child 

this will not stay a secret forever, I guarantee it


----------



## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

QUOTE=Dollystanford;880343]this isn't some random ONS - you did it with a person you have a history with and with whom you have a child 

this will not stay a secret forever, I guarantee it[/QUOTE]

:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------

