# Home and Gone Again



## heart (Jul 3, 2011)

My husband came home yesterday but he didn't bring any of his stuff. I didn't ask about it. I tried to be as gentle as possible and not to ask anything of him. We had a hard but nice night last night with dinner and a movie. This morning when I woke up he was sitting outside. I went to him and he said we needed to talk. We talked for a long time and he told me that he is very disillusioned and doesn't know if there is a way for us to stay married when we have so many differences. He told me that he feels like he is finally ready to be honest with me and told me that he shut me down two years ago. He said that is why no attempt to connect with him worked. He checked out. He kept saying that he didn't know but then he felt a sense of duty to go to marriage counseling. He said that he felt he was a giver and I wasn't. I asked him if that was true or if he wouldn't allow me to give to him and he said that I had a point. We had a very calm but difficult conversation with a lot of silent tears. He told me that he is not ready to come home. That he thinks leaving has given him the space to have the most honest conversation he has had with me in years and that he feels that we connected today. It was so hard to hear all the things he said and it hurt but I tried to love him no matter the words that came and to listen and not speak. He wants me to ask my individual counselor for a recommendation on a marriage counselor tomorrow. He said he is going to come home every night and help with our dogs and eat dinner and then leave and sleep at his parents for awhile. I'm not sure what to think. I know I can't ask anything of him right now and I am still confused as to if he wants to commit to working this out or not but I didn't ask. I think any pressure right now would be great. I text him this evening and told him that I know it was difficult and I was proud of him for coming home and talking to me even though I know it was hard. He responded that he feels really good today that he was honest with me because I deserve it and that he deserves it. 

I read love languages yesterday and realized that I have not been speaking his love language so I began trying to do that last night and today. 

I am trying to do these things out of love. Am I doing the right thing?


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## heart (Jul 3, 2011)

oh and the strangest thing is he told me that I was a good wife. That is so confusing!


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Yes. Do not give him any pressure and you did the right thing by not asking or begging. Good Luck, It sounds like you guys have a chance of working it out.


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## heart (Jul 3, 2011)

caughtdreaming, thank you. I don't know if he is ready to say we do but I feel a splinter of hope. I'm trying not to let it consume me though. I am feeling terribly hurt and alone right now. It's difficult as my husband was/is my best friend. I want him to be happy and have fulfillment and I am trying to understand that in addition to this problem he feels lost and at 45 I can't imagine how that must feel for him. He told me today that he feels he needs to tell his parents that he is not the perfect great son they thought he was. I don't know what that means but it says something about his feelings of self-worth. There are two definite issues here and I am trying to navigate between the two but finding it exceptionally difficult. We are both going to be going to individual counseling. He started his a few weeks ago and I am starting mine tomorrow. I am hoping that it helps give me some comfort. I feel so many emotions about myself right now and I'm trying not to cave into it. I feel like there is something wrong with me and that I ruin every good thing that happens in my life. I don't know why this is happening..... I wish I understood what I did wrong.... It's the part that is so hard for me...... what did I do wrong.....


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## heart (Jul 3, 2011)

Please help. I feel like I am going to break into a million pieces. I don't know that I can handle this much hurt anymore. I don't know how to do this. I can't breathe. 

My husband came today and started dinner as soon as he got here. Ate and had his stuff in the car. Why is he coming if he doesn't want to be here? I didn't ask him to come. He said he wanted to come. He can't stand to be around me. I have asked nothing of him. NOTHING. I have let him say all the terrible and hurtful things he wants with no response for three days. Today I just asked.... your leaving? And he got mad and said that he thought he made it clear he needs space. He is the one coming here I did not ask this. He said he wanted to. 

We have our first MC appointment Thursday and I asked what he wanted from the MC. He said he wants to learn to communicate. How can we learn anything when he can't be in the same room with me. NOTHING I do is right. He gets mad at me no matter what I do. He told his friends and family not to talk to me. He got mad because one of my friends who was here when he got here left without saying anything to him. I did not tell her to do this. I didn't say anything to her but she is angry with him. He told me he wants me to talk to my friends. Now he is mad at me.

He has a huge support system here. I have only two real friends. He wants his friends and family to have nothing to do with me and HE wants my only two friends. 

HELP..... I can't hurt this badly for much longer.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

heart said:


> Please help. I feel like I am going to break into a million pieces. I don't know that I can handle this much hurt anymore. I don't know how to do this. I can't breathe.
> 
> My husband came today and started dinner as soon as he got here. Ate and had his stuff in the car. Why is he coming if he doesn't want to be here? I didn't ask him to come. He said he wanted to come. He can't stand to be around me. I have asked nothing of him. NOTHING. I have let him say all the terrible and hurtful things he wants with no response for three days. Today I just asked.... your leaving? And he got mad and said that he thought he made it clear he needs space. He is the one coming here I did not ask this. He said he wanted to.
> 
> ...


If him coming for dinner isn't working for you then it stops. You count too. Wait til Thursday and bring up his mixed signals in MC. Don't think he knows what he wants.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## havehope (Jul 5, 2011)

Sounds alot like my wife. Comes out hangs out with kids and I eats dinner and goes to her moms. Goes to dinner after ballgames, tells me to stop by her office, and has stopped by my work. IC told me these were all good signs and I believed them to be. Stopped by her office Friday and after I left she sent me a text that she had looked at an apt. and thinks she was gonna take it.

Hang in there and if you think there is hope don't give up. Keep fighting if you believe there is still a chance. Good luck with the MC and might I suggest IC too if you are not already seeing someone. Helps me alot and look forward to it each week.


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