# Would appreciate feedback on in-law issues and husband's behaviors



## HBnFV (Sep 22, 2015)

Hello. I am new to posting; however I have visited this site anonymously for several years in an attempt to help myself and get information. A few years ago, I followed a link I saw for some tests/questionnaires that we printed and filled out. I took it seriously and had a pretty good list going of things that bothered me about our relationship. He put exactly one thing on his list that bothers him and that is that I don't talk to him when something is troubling me. I shut down. I will readily admit I do this. I feel it is justified though, because I have tried talking to him many, many times and it results in caveman like responses like, "yeah, wow, that sucks, babe..."

Moving on...

I have been married for four years. We've been together for seven. I have not been happy for pretty much the entire time we've been married. Back then I was troubled by little lies he told about random, nothing things. After talking about it, he would say he just said it to avoid fights, etc...

We decided to have a child after marrying. We were fortunate to have gotten pregnant immediately. He seemed VERY excited which was encouraging. I ended up losing that pregnancy along with three subsequent ones that followed. Even before losing the first one, I went to doctor appointments alone, and was left to take care of chores I felt I should not have to have done while pregnant. 

I finally was able to have a successful pregnancy and when our daughter was born, I was totally the main caregiver with my husband never even bathing our child once, for like a whole year. I put her to bed every night. I bathed her. Played with her constantly. I work very part time and am mostly a stay-at-home mom and love it. There were some nights he'd get home from work and spend - and I'm not kidding - less than ten minutes with her a day. I guess I cried and nagged enough about needing help that after our daughter's second birthday my husband became more involved. We now take turns putting her to bed, but even on his nights, I am still left to bathe, do story time, brush her teeth, etc... He spends a lot more time with her and cares for her for when I go into work for a bit so I am never going to win the shared bedtime battle and I've accepted it. 

Major problem #1: We do not share money. As I mentioned previously, I am mostly a stay-at-home mother. I work part time for a school and earn very little. Somewhere along the way, it was assumed that I would pay for the water bill and groceries. I do not make enough money for this. Oftentimes I have to use a credit card to hold me over until the next pay period. Summers are even rougher as we have off and do not receive paychecks, obviously. I have asked him no less than 294834756384859 times to sit down and budget with me, open a joint checking, etc...so that I can pay for things when shopping without stressing that I have enough in my account. I cannot tell you how humiliating it makes me feel. No, I don't have a shopping addiction. I don't have a shoe or jewelry fetish. I basically wear the same clothes year after year and could care less.I have no idea why he won't share the money he earns. It is embarrassing every year when we go to do our taxes and the lady says, "I can put the return right into your joint account, " and then he says, without fail, "we'll just put it in my account. We don't have a joint account." Humiliating. 

I've also explained that not only is it embarrassing that I am married yet living at poverty level counting my pennies every month, but I don't have codes, passwords, or account information for his accounts, so that if, God forbid something happened to him, his daughter and I would be royally screwed. I'd have no way to pay the mortgage or bills because I can't access accounts! To which he replies, "Yeah, we gotta go to the bank one of these days." But that day never comes.

Major issue #2: His mother and sisters. My husband and I were dating for quite a while before I met them. They were extremely fond of his former girlfriend, I found out soon after. I tried to reach out on so many occasions. I made sure he bought his mom flowers for Mother's Day, a birthday cake for his sister (she complained it wasn't her fave flavor), I invited his sisters to shop and come to the pool several times and they declined. I asked them to help me plan a surprise party for their brother/son so they could feel involved. At that initial meeting, they thought it would be appropriate to tell me they would "not stop being friends with this other girl, just like they would probably still be friends with me if my relationship with their son didn't work out." Over the course of many months, they passed around a photo album of pictures of this girl while at dinner. They've "accidentally" called me by her name (we are talking YEARS after they were together). Despite all this I used to take his mother to lunch and without fail, at these lunches she would talk about her to some degree. The final straw was riding home from lunch one day, the mother-in-law let me know that the sisters did not like me and liked the other girl better and listed all the reasons why.

When I got home, I was very upset. I asked my husband if I could write his mother a letter explaining my feelings. I did, I got my husband's approval before sending it (he read it). The day the MIL received it, she called my husband crying hysterically that she had no idea she had done these things and didn't mean anything by it. Riiiiiiight.

To this day she has never addressed the letter with me or apologized to me. 

I stood my ground and kept my distance. When I was finally able to keep a pregnancy, one of the daughters sent me an email saying it was time to "make up." I was entertaining the idea until she denied ever saying those things for the mother to relay to me. At that point, I shut down, and ended the conversation politely. I am convinced she only reached out because I was close to giving birth and they wanted an invite to the baby shower and did not want to be closed off from their grandchild/niece.

I had started seeing a marriage counselor a few months ago, alone, because husband doesn't really want to "involve a third party" into our marriage. I was going crazy and really wanted to reflect on why I am so angry at his family, among other things. I think a lot of it has to do with they really didn't need to tell me they didn't like me. They were pleasant enough around me that I had no idea. But now that I know it, it's maddening. I also hold them responsible (maybe justified, maybe not) for my first miscarriage. I had it a few days after finding out the mom and two sisters were in contact with the ex girlfriend on Facebook and were publicly posting how much they missed each other. It was upsetting because it was my idea to surprise his mother with a "Grandma" charm for a bracelet. It was so insulting to me that she just found out her son and I were expecting her first grandchild, but she's on social media talking with the other girl. This was back in 2011 and it still angers me to this day.

I really get anxious when we have to see them at holiday functions. I am so incredibly uncomfortable. I do not find them pleasant regardless of what they think of me. They are very gossipy and speak negatively about other family members, friends, coworkers, etc...I just simply don't want to be around that. And I don't want my daughter to be either.

My husband does not seem to understand how I feel about this. When we do discuss it, I feel like I have to sell him on why I don't want them around me! I feel like I am more than justified!!

He regularly either lets her invite herself over, or perhaps he invites her himself on the days I work. I only find out because my daughter says something about it. Again, this is so insulting to me that he would sneak and have her over. I find that it communicates that he accepts her treatment of me. I can only assume he feels caught between his mother and me, and yeah, that sucks. I'm sure he wants his daughter to know his mother. But to me, I feel like her not being that close to our daughter is a natural consequence for how she has treated me for the last 5-6 years. She shouldn't get to have all the benefits of a relationship - she's never apologized to me. Honestly it's too late. It would be so not genuine, anyway.

To sum up (sorry this is so long), I have had so much unhappiness and trauma in my life that I seriously just want to have a calm, happy , normal life. I don't want to not look forward to every holiday and birthday in the future because it is inevitable that we will have to see them. I don't want to continue to live like a single mom trying to scrape funds together for food and diapers because hubby doesn't want to share for some reason.

Yes, I have told him I want to separate, and that divorce has been on my mind for a while. Maybe that is why he keeps his funds to himself? So that I can't go anywhere and am trapped. After all, it IS a roof over my head. 

What do I want? I want him to wake up one day and SHOW me he loves and respects me by joining our finances. I want him to continue to be helpful around the house. I don't want him to resent me for keeping his family at a distance, but I fear that is what has happened. But I really don't think I am wrong for wanting nothing to do with them at this point.

Any input is appreciated. I can take constructive criticism! Thank you in advance for reading this diatribe. Oy.

~HBnFV


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## fitchick1961 (May 5, 2015)

I don't mean to be judgemental but it doesn't sound like much of a marriage to me. I understand you don't have much of your own money, being a stay at home mom, and maybe your husband resents this. But whether or not you contribute to the family income, you do other things I'm sure, the money is supposed to belong to both of you, regardless of who makes it. Having to use a credit card to pay for your share of the household expenses is ridiculous. Children are supposed to be a shared responsibility. I would have exactly the same feeling about his family. They don't sound like they support your marriage at all, and I would be angry that he's sneaking her over, given the fact, she had never acknowledged any of her actions, or apologized. He could see her at her home, not mine or ours, that's what I would tell my husband.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

My lord, your husband is a selfish jackass. What I would do is to stop buying food. Just make sure the baby has food. Find a babysitter and get a full time job. When he comes home and is hungry, he can go to the grocery store and buy food himself, that he has paid for.

You know he can put the money in his name and you are still entitled to 1/2 of everything in a divorce. So, if you want to leave this poor excuse of a man behind, don't let this stop you.

Forget the in laws. They are unhappy people who just like to think they are important. 

At this time the most important thing is how to get more money from you husband. Tell him you are going to the bank right now. Get all the proper ids and march his butt to the bank. Don't take any excuses.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I'm afraid I have to say I don't agree that all, these problems are your husband's. I do agree that you should pay for some things although maybe they should be lower cost items. I do think that when women are stay at home mom's they expect too much and become way too demanding. It's wrong to expect their husband to make all the money, come home from a horrible day at work and be expected to take care of the kids, meals and housework for the rest of the night. The issues you are having with your in-laws are quite mild compared to others I've heard about and experienced. In-laws can get down right nasty and while your in-laws aren't treating you right, it's not bad enough to pull the plug on the marriage about. Mother-in-laws are just going to be nasty and tough to deal with, if you don't get an apology from her about every transgression, deal with it.


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## HBnFV (Sep 22, 2015)

Thanks for the input so far!

I certainly do agree that there are far worse in-law situations than the one I am in! I do think that I don't have to accept or tolerate being called the wrong name after we've been married. It is an uncomfortable situation that causes me stress knowing I am in a room with people who I've been told don't like me. Life is too short and I feel like I am entitled to not have to put up with it. One of the reasons I included the in-law stuff in the post was because I am so hurt and mad about it that I was beginning to think I was being irrational and wanted others' opinions. I realize not everyone who meets me in life is going to like me; however, I have never tried so hard at making a good impression and trying to fit in only to be disliked so much. The mother-in-law makes an occasional comment about the parenting style we practice, and has insulted the church I once belonged to as well. It's just very unpleasant all around. But I know it's not the worst. The in-law issues would not be the ONLY thing that would cause me to file for divorce, but it certainly doesn't help to think I could be dealing with this stress for the rest of my life, especially when my husband does not support or respect my feelings about it.

I have not forced husband into the bank just yet, although there's been plenty of time to! I guess I am foolishly waiting for him to grow up and do what is right himself. I am considerably older than he is, and the thought of grabbing him by the ear and dragging him into a bank to combine our finances makes me cringe. It makes me feel more like a mother and less like a wife and equal partner. Although at this point I could continue to complain and hope for it to happen or I could just put my foot down even though that is unappealing to me.

My husband works 14 days per month. Perhaps I need to clarify that I never ever expect him to come home from a 12 hour shift and prepare his own food, clean up, do laundry, run errands, or really do much of anything. He goes right to the Playstation most nights. I know a few fellow SAHM who do not excel at housekeeping, I guess you could say. My beef is that I am mainly a SAHM, but I also work two days per week, do all cooking, all cleaning, all laundry, all pet care, all child related duties, all errands, all shopping. He makes a very good living. I do not. I do not see why, even though I MOSTLY stay home, I am also expected to pay for family items that I can't really afford. I will not combine accounts blindly without sitting down to go over a budget and I've asked for that until I'm blue in the face. He HAS gotten better with spending more time with our daughter and he is a loving, calm, gentle dad, which I appreciate. It's everything else that blows :-(

Thanks again for the replies. I definitely will need to get back into counseling once my paychecks start rolling in!

~HBnFV


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Your husband's family doesn't like you. Sounds like they never have and never will.

Your husband refuses to commingle funds. I assume you don't have a prenup agreement. However, here's how this plays out: you do not have a marriage of longevity; that means 10 years or more. Thus, if you decide to walk out on this marriage, I highly suggest you have a full-time job. Because there are children are involved, he will have to pay support, but it depends on the court's decision as to how much you would receive.

There is the issue of spousal support. Do you have a degree that would allow you to be a viable candidate in the job market? Spousal support is only given for half the duration of the marriage, unless the marriage is 20 years or longer. Forget the community property states myth that everyone thinks everything gets split 50/50. That isn't necessarily the case.

It's one thing to have separate accounts; it's another thing to be kept in the dark and almost destitute because your husband refuses to give you enough to survive. Frankly, I have no idea why women get into these type of totally crappy situations. I only dipped my toe into this polluted pool once and I learned the hard way: DO NOT BE OBLIGATED TO ANYONE ELSE TO SUPPORT YOU FINANCIALLY.

I admire and respect SAHM's. They contribute a great deal of time, effort, and love to raising children. But your case is way over the top. If you get p!ssed enough about this situation, you WILL get out. I earn a good living, I live in my own apartment (small, but MY space), and I enjoy my life. 

Has your husband ever straight-out told you why he won't let you know how much he has in accounts, IRA's, 401(k), mutual funds, stocks, etc.???


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP you have my full sympathy with the regards to the in laws...my in laws brought me to TAM...there's not much you can do there other than distance yourself from them. That's what I've had to do. I don't see them at all now, not even for birthdays and holidays. Hubby goes to see them on his own, but knows that holidays and mothers/fathers day belong to me and our daughter. He fits the in laws in around us. I'm happy with that.

With regard to your husband - wow...just wow. The in laws are the least of your worries! Why on earth do you allow this to happen?

General question for TAMers, is it a US thing that even when married, expenses are split according to salary and everything kept separate? That's not the norm here in Aus...seems very unusual.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Your husband and you have a bad marriage, made worse by the fact that everyone is planning for divorce. He needs to work on the marriage, and only if that happens can you discuss the secondary problem on the inlaws.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Reading your post was like reading my own life, with the exception of 3 miscarriages (I had one). Some of this is learning that it is okay and good to speak up for yourself instead of trying o keep peace and trying to make your husband happy. These things that you do to compromise will cause you hurt that you repress and one day you will find yourself exploding like a volcano and you have no idea what triggered it and then you will feel bad for expressing all these hurts in the manner in which you did. When we erupt on our loved ones they aren't hearing our pain they are hearing that they are being screamed at and called names (if that happens) and they then see their own hurt. I hope hat all makes sense.

The best thing you can do for yourself is learn to be assertive. Your husband won't take the car to the garage to have ______done, you make the appt and you do it. You draw up that budget which gives you a savings plan and you present it to him. Your inlaws talk about old girlfriend like this is the only girl your husband should ever love, you say, "Well _______, I hope you can accept that we are together now. I love my husband and I would like to have a relationship with you but I am not sure talk about old girlfriends is a positive productive way for us to form bonds." Yes, say it!!!!!! I wish I would have. I am the one that ended up erupting and my inlaws were the same about an old girlfriend of my husband. You don't have enough money, find a part time job, getting out o the house and forming friendships will warm your heart and help your attitude towards life so much. Your husband won't bathe he child, tell him, "______, would you bathe _____? I have to get this done." Yes, just do it. I had to learn this. I thought if I took it all on myself it would pay off and I would be appreciated, far from the truth, it creates the very opposite and you are the one dismissed and hurt.
You have a kind heart and good intentions but you need to let your husband share your work load. Your husband isn't neglectful or being a jerk necessarily, could be that he knows you have a handle on everything. Step out step by step and try it, keep doing it and you will find your wold will change. Trust me on this one!!!!


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## HBnFV (Sep 22, 2015)

Yep, I do have a four year degree. I was previously a teacher before becoming a stay-at-home mom. I actually applied for, and went on an interview today for a position that I was fairly sure was full-time in a private school where I could bring my daughter to work with me. After interviewing for over an hour, it is more part time and even after the employee discount for childcare, I wouldn't be taking home as much as I do now (which is next to nothing)! I'll definitely keep looking at other options. I may just pick up an extra day at this school.

All of your advice really helped me work up the nerve to sit him down last night and we talked for a good while. I told him I was interviewing because I feel like I need to prepare financially as I see divorce as inevitable because things have not improved. I also reiterated how much it feels like a slap in the face that he sneaks MIL over here when I'm working. I guess I was able to explain it differently this time because it appears to have registered with him this time. He acknowledged that he should have had a frank discussion with his mom when it initially happened years ago. He knows he needs to speak to her now.

So many of you have posted really honest and good advice and I really appreciate it. Like I said, I was able to really get my points across last night and I legitimately felt heard, finally. AVR1962...I am sorry for your loss and that you identify so much with my situation. You made some extremely good points as well and I kinda knew most of it already, it's just as I mentioned before, unappealing to me to MAKE my husband do stuff. I want so much for him to do things on his own. But that is not realistic I guess. I think you are exactly right about him sitting back because he knows I take care of everything. I've said it to him many times!

Again, thanks for all the input. It's never easy to hear that other people think your marriage is horrid. It is only going to make me try harder to communicate better. I will pick my battles, try to let smaller things go, but put my foot down about money, creating a will, and the in-laws thing. 

I will be at work the next two days and he just told me he is planning to go out with my dad tomorrow night and golfing on Friday after I get home. Must be nice!! 

Baby steps....sigh...


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## karazy (Aug 31, 2015)

When you're a SAHM, either making 0$ or making chump change, your husband's responsibility is to provide financially for the family as yours is to care for the household. The situation you have here is lopsided and unfair. Not only is he expecting you to do all that a SAHM does, but also part of his responsibilities, too. Since that is the case, he needs to do: 1) start providing for you and your daughter as that is his responsibility 100% or 2) start taking on some of your responsibilities like cleaning, cooking, caring for daughter, etc. or 3) hire someone to do them in his place and realize how much money it costs to maintain a household.

When you were dating (period in which you access whether or not your gf/bf is marriage material), was he just as cheap? Men like your husband don't become selfish overnight. And who knows, since the in-laws don't seem to like you very much, they might even be telling him not to provide for you. And you might as well be a single mom and get more help from the government temporarily.

Your husband is not a man at all.

Re: In-laws. They sound pretty annoying and immature. MILs and SILs are generally the worst people to deal with since they are family to the husbands. Right now, there are no boundaries in your "marriage," quoted because it's not quite a marriage in my eyes. They need to be below you and your daughter in terms of importance. 

I don't think your husband realizes his actions or inactions are causing the "marriage" to head for divorce. Make it known to your husband that if your in-laws want a relationship with you or your daughter, they need to never mention the ex again. Otherwise, you will distance yourself. Also, moving far away from in-laws tends to solve a lot, if not all, of in-law problems







.

I had some bad in-law problems (much worse, MIL avidly tried to break us up and she was emotionally abusing husband as she wanted to live with my husband forever and for him to never get married; SIL was just disrespectful) as well that only went away when my husband put his foot down and told his mother and sister to simply stop. And by letting them know my importance in his life and reminding them he is married now. He only realized this because I kept putting my foot down and telling him I would not continue with the relationship and marry him if he doesn't resolve the issue. It did trail into the first 6 months of our marriage which was when I told him that if it doesn't stop completely, I would have to end the marriage. It finally clicked.

It was hard for my husband because he was used to hat treatment and didn't know any better, which I think is the case with your husband, too. He is used to his mother and sisters as he grew up with them. He just needs a little education .

Your husband needs to realize that before you will see any end to the in-law issues. Just as he needs to realize not providing 100% for you is not "husbandly" at all. 

Your husband might seem cooperative right now but wait for his actions as they speak louder than words.

I admire that you can stay in this position for this long. I could never date a man who is not generous with me so it would be impossible for me to be married to one...only because I won't be able to give all of myself to someone who is so darn selfish. And on top of that, you have silly in-law problems that your husband won't help you with but exacerbate them by sneaking in your in-laws and doing nothing about their disrespect towards you, and your "marriage."

Don't listen to comments that say your problems are not as bad as others on TAM as they're invalidating your feelings and situation.


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## HBnFV (Sep 22, 2015)

Thanks for the insightful post, karazy. We actually DID just move about 35-40 minutes away from my MIL. We used to live, seriously, about 1 minute away. Keep in mind I have no idea how many times she visited while I was working; however, I saw her an average of once per month. When she visits and I'm home, I am so uncomfortable and anxious so I keep myself busy by washing dishes or tidying up in a nearby room. I hardly participate in the conversation - it's always the same stuff - gossip about family members, neighbors, etc...

We have been in our new house for a little over three weeks and I know she has been here twice - once when I was home. She invited herself over telling my husband she had our anniversary gift and gifts for our daughter to bring over. She came over empty handed (I totally don't care) and laughed my butt off internally. The second time was last Friday when I was working (husband invited her). So.....we moved 40 minutes away and she's been over twice as much as normal! 

Hopefully the little chat we had last night will help. An apology at this point would be meaningless. It would come only because husband demanded it of her. Neither she or her daughters were compelled to reach out and improve the relationship for the last few years, so that says a lot, I think. I guess I'd just want my husband to tell his mother that the way they have treated me has greatly affected our marriage. We have moved in an attempt to "start over" and would appreciate space. It is the direct result of their actions and they should not expect to have a rich and healthy relationship with me or our daughter. I'm not exactly sure what the MIL was hoping to accomplish by constantly comparing me to the ex and revealing the sisters don't like me. She couldn't possibly think it would endear them to me. 

I thought about this last night a little and I think I realized a major reason for why I am so angry at the MIL. I do not open up or trust easily at ALL. When I first meet people I am genuinely interested in learning more about them; however, it might be like pulling teeth to get similar information out of me (which probably isn't fair, but it is what it is). I am very outgoing and friendly, I just don't give up my life story that easily. When we first met, I learned that the MIL and I had something major in common. I made the decision to share what happened soon after meeting her (perhaps because I wanted to bond with my boyfriend's mother), and that is what I deeply regret. I am mad that I let my guard down, shared feelings, provided details, and even cried in front of her. It makes me just plain angry that I misjudged the dynamic between us enough and appeared vulnerable.

Moving on....

My husband and I dated for three years before getting married. I was working full-time in an assistant position, making a fraction of what he makes, BUT still full-time. We lived together in an apartment and we had a similar arrangement. I paid for groceries and water bill, he paid utilities and rent. I am pretty independent and don't ask for much. He would hand make Christmas gifts for me (a photo album one year full of ticket stubs and other memorabilia). Now I seriously don't even get a card! He didn't even SAY happy birthday to me this year. I had to keep biting down on my tongue that whole day because I felt so unloved I wanted to cry. 

It's been four long years, but I just don't want to give up because there was a time I really loved and cared about him so much. He was there for me and made me laugh years ago when I needed it. I know that same guy is in there somewhere. We just need to find our old selves, I guess - or some form of them.

Thanks karazy for your advice and for the last line of your post the most ;-)


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## karazy (Aug 31, 2015)

No problem, HBnFV! I understand because I had in-law problems and they were so hard to deal with--raised blood pressure all the time!

Haha, my husband used to visit his mother behind my back and would lie about it for no good reason. Yours has her come over without your consent. It's so frustrating, isn't it?! My hubby really didn't know better and felt soooo guilty if he didn't visit her often; somehow she had brainwashed him that way. Perhaps, your husband is also under some kind of emotional abuse that he doesn't know about because EA is hard to recognize. Now that my hubby is no longer under her "spell," their relationship is completely different! 

It's obvious, your MIL doesn't like you; perhaps because you had married her son and the ex couldn't. Some mothers are super attached to their sons and feel threatened by the woman who married the son. So she uses the ex--the one thing she knows would hurt you. Is there no FIL? My MIL is divorced and has no man in her life except my husband...

Well, it looks like you're either not vocal enough about your needs or your husband has started taking you for granted. Hence, nothing for your bday.

I noticed you wrote that you're not demanding but sometimes a little bit of it helps. When you don't ask for much, they really do get used to it as you have set that expectation.

When you were dating, did you mention about a joint account once married? Like I said, maybe you have set that expectation so he doesn't feel like he has to do more.

If 45 minutes is still not fixing the problem, move further! Keep moving until she is incapable of visiting on a whim =P. The further you move, the more she will lose so maybe it'll click and she will be nicer and respectful of you and back the hell off.

I'm also married for 4 years and with my husband for 7 years like you! Good luck with your marriage. All the baby steps do help. You can still fix it and not have to walk away. Do you let your hubby know his family is causing problems with your marriage and happiness? Your husband needs to see that before real changes can be made, provided that he still cares for you and his daughter and doesn't want a divorce.


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## HBnFV (Sep 22, 2015)

That is what is mystifying me...my husband is her firstborn and only son but she so OBVIOUSLY prefers the girls over him. They both lived with her recently while finishing college, she's paid for one to go to Europe and the other gets personal loans forgiven all the time. They do a ton of stuff together - Both girls now have boyfriends so it's the four of them plus mother. Husband was a typical boy growing up, I guess. Too wild and talking in school, it seems like the girls can do no wrong. So, I really am perplexed because it isn't like they are super close. He has even told me that he doesn't feel they are close. He doesn't particularly want to be either, I just think that it is what you suggested, he probably feels like he HAS to attempt a good relationship with her for no other reason than she is his mom. No FIL in the picture as he passed away when husband was 21.

I definitely need to speak up and be more demonstrative. He absolutely doesn't do certain things because I have set that expectation. We've also had this discussion before!

We eloped in 2011 (but it was MY idea to invite/pay for his family to come along but they declined) and while on our honeymoon we discussed for about 5 minutes, putting our accounts together but when we got back, nothing happened and I let it go on.

You have a nice way of asking questions and doling out advice. Thanks, karazy!


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

I think it's time to do two things:

1) schedule a date to open a joint account into which both pay checks go.
2) tell H that unless his mother can behave respectfully, she is no longer welcome in your house.

The above have to be non-negotiable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

HBnFV said:


> *I guess I'd just want my husband to tell his mother that the way they have treated me has greatly affected our marriage*. We have moved in an attempt to "start over" and would appreciate space. It is the direct result of their actions and they should not expect to have a rich and healthy relationship with me or our daughter.


No no no!!! That's what they want honey...you do NOT want hubby telling them that. 

Tell them that you moved away to ensure the problems don't affect your marriage, sure, but not that they already have.

Your husband sounds like a first class jack ar$se. He didn't buy you anything for your birthday???? Wtf? 

I'm a SAHM, and you better be damn sure that I have access to ALL OUR accounts, for OUR money. Just because hubby earned it doesn't mean it's just his money. We are married, we are a team. He has his role and I have mine. Both are of equal value to our home and family, they are just different.

Get that joint account opened now - if he won't do it, file.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

They'd love to know, Hvb, that they'd negatively affected your marriage. That's what they are trying to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## karazy (Aug 31, 2015)

Ha, sounds very similar to the relationship my husband has with his mother. He doesn't feel close with her either. She does everything for the sister (gives mother, cooks for her, etc) but expects my husband to give her money and take care of her.

Usually women without husbands or a partner become emotionally dependent on their son. 

Really, if you can find an opportunity to move far, far away, please do so. In-laws like your husband's ruin marriages all the time!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Find a really really good, well-revered local accountant or financial planner. Schedule an appointment. Inform your husband that you have made the appointment and that you will be attending, and you expect him to go, too. Gather up every piece of paperwork you can find in the house and bring it with you; fair bet he's been hiding where the money goes, and fair bet his family is getting some of it.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

HB, what does your H say when you mention divorce? How does he react?
it seems that you've bent over backwards to befriend your MIL. What reasons did she give for not liking you?

It seems as though H is not on your side in many ways. I really think you need to get the finances in order ASAP. As you don't have access to funds, is there any way you can go for a free legal consultation somewhere?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

HBnFV said:


> I guess I was able to explain it differently this time because it appears to have registered with him this time. He acknowledged that he should have had a frank discussion with his mom when it initially happened years ago. He knows he needs to speak to her now.
> 
> Like I said, I was able to really get my points across last night and I legitimately felt heard, ... it's just as I mentioned before, unappealing to me to MAKE my husband do stuff. I want so much for him to do things on his own. But that is not realistic I guess.


So at the end of this heart-to-heart talk, did he declaratively state he would give you access to his accounts, give you a reasonable amount of money to live on, or make his accounts joint?

Doesn't sound like it to me.

This is sad. Why? Because it sounds like you were able to vent, and he acknowledged what you said. But it doesn't sound like he agreed to any of your demands.

Sounds to me like he gave you enough hope to string you along for awhile. I'd be interested to know exactly what he said he would do about the finances. 

I had a number of heart-to-heart, gut-wrenching, we-are-having-a-meeting-of-the-minds talks with my late husband. Meh. He was willing to throw me a bone to keep my hopes alive that I would share his assets and help him get sober. When I had a number of these chats, I finally realized he was full of sh!t. 

I hope you got some solid reassurances from your husband that he will meet your needs. Seriously.


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## HBnFV (Sep 22, 2015)

Wow. Good thing I checked in here before asking H to say something to his mom!
Thank you all for the additional advice!


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## HBnFV (Sep 22, 2015)

Oops, didn't see your post Prodigal. It was more of the same generic, "yeah, we gotta go to the bank soon," comments I always get. This coming week is his last week off of vacation from work. So there is no excuse to not go into the bank and take care of this on Monday. Groceries are low and I'd normally go today and its the end of the month so I'd have to use a credit card. I will not be shopping today - at least not on my dime. I'm going to just tell him flat out that I'm out of money until my check gets deposited and he will have to buy them. 

Moving again isn't a reality. We bought a house so we will be here a while. It is MIL birthday tomorrow. I am very interested to see what/if anything, he does. 

Hope everyone has a nice Saturday ?


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

HBnFV said:


> It is MIL birthday tomorrow. I am very interested to see what/if anything, he does.


Another thing: Please don't ask about your MILs birthday or how she is or anything of the sort. Pretend she doesn't exist. I never ask about my MIL. If H says, MIL said to say 'hi' I say 'ah, thanks, say I said hi'. Never initiate any contact or comment yourself.

This is the only way to make yourself understood with people like this.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

HBnFV said:


> It was more of the same generic, "yeah, we gotta go to the bank soon," comments I always get. This coming week is his last week off of vacation from work. So there is no excuse to not go into the bank and take care of this on Monday.


Sure there is an excuse not to get to the bank on Monday. He didn't commit to it. He gave you a non-answer.

As far as groceries go, don't pin your hopes on him buying anything.

You're willing to live with the status quo, so I'd suggest you just get used to this. He has no intentions of changing.

As far as the house ... are you on the mortgage or is it in his name only?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My H is the perpetual avoider of dealing with 'stuff.' He ignores, he 'vaguely' agrees but gives nothing concrete, and nothing ever gets done. Here's what my IC told me to do. 

"Go to him, in a loving but firm manner, and say 'I need to get ABC done. I want you to do it with me, but if you're not able to do it with me, I'm going to go get it done by myself. I am going on X day at X time, and I hope you'll go with me. If you can't, I'll let you know how it goes when I get it done.'

You tell him you're going to get it done, you tell him exactly when it's going to be done, you lovingly invite him to do it with you, but you make it clear it WILL get done, one way or the other. You're his equal; you have to start acting like it."


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## HBnFV (Sep 22, 2015)

Omego - I never ask how his mom and sisters are. He will occasionally relay some random news about what's going on with them to me and I don't say much at all. I am definitely not contacting her tomorrow. I have stopped getting her gifts or texting happy birthday - haven't done it for the last two years. Thanks for the suggestion!

Prodigal - My name IS on the mortgage and deed to the house. It was not on our previous home. It was my idea to move and start over fresh somewhere new with no negative memories. He agreed after much persistence. I demanded I be on the mortgage/deed this time and he complied. I was at closing so I signed/saw the papers. I have had a taste of what it's like to feel like his partner, so Monday is bank day. I reminded him today that we are going. Have a sitter lined up to care for our daughter. Reading posts that say he sucks and my marriage sucks is really helping to light a fire under me. I am not caring about "making" him do things that much anymore. Whatever gets it done at this point. 

I'm on my phone- please excuse typos and punctuation errors. Stupid auto correct.


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## HBnFV (Sep 22, 2015)

Turnera- that is some seriously good, precise information! I WILL be stealing it! 

Thank you!


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## karazy (Aug 31, 2015)

Forget MIL exists. When hubby used to bring her up during "those days," I'd just tell him I don't care to hear about her and please not to share any unrequested information about her and that I'm not interested in hearing about people who don't respect me and I'd just walk away.

He wouldn't buy groceries for the family? ((
Well then, you buy just enough daily for you and your daughter. When he has no food and asks where's dinner, inform him you need $$ that you don't have to pay for groceries.

The same way you got him to agree to have you on the mortgage, be that determined person again when it comes to things you need. 

You have to start changing the way you deal with him before you can see any changes. He's used to the you that lets things slide.


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## HBnFV (Sep 22, 2015)

I didn't see your earlier questions, Omego - sorry.

Each time I share my feelings and if I mention divorce, he just says something like "I don't want that," "No, we're not getting a divorce," etc... I remind him that I don't need his permission. He really isn't a talker, which is frustrating. He'll just stare or repeat the same thing like, "no, we're not getting a divorce, we will fix this."

As for why my in-laws don't like me? MIL has informed me of the newsflash that I am not his ex girlfriend, so there's that. She and my husband, when dating, would apparently do stuff with the three of them (MIL and two sisters) frequently. And perhaps the fact that she was the nanny of someone locally very famous has a lot to do with it, as I was told MANY stories about it when we were first dating. I mentioned before that I was considerably older than my husband, so maybe it's a bit of that too. I absolutely reached out right away in all the ways I mentioned in a previous post. I was not rude or stand offish in any way. I was always inviting them to stuff and even told my husband if he wanted his family to come with us when we eloped that that would be fine with me (sisters were pissed we were eloping I was told later). I am so glad they declined. I don't know what I was thinking inviting them - it would have been hideous!! It's just an example of how hard I tried back then.

Yes, I'm sure there is a free or low cost consultation place I could go if needed. I am actually feeling very positive about tomorrow. Going to the bank to get account access, etc...will be a huge yet long overdue step towards healing for me and it really will speak volumes on what he's willing to do to finally change and improve the dynamic between us!


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## HBnFV (Sep 22, 2015)

Oh, and this ------> He did buy groceries yesterday because I told him I haven't been paid yet this month and am out of money. 

I am pleased with this but it makes me feel really bad because apparently all I had to do was tell him this stuff all along and he would have done it, most likely. I brought a lot of stuff and stress on to myself because I set such a low expectation and took care of everything myself. He is definitely the type of man who needs to be flat out told "Please do _____ and ______ and ______." It does not appear to come naturally for him. And I hate to nag or ask for things. So we are definitely a mismatch.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

HBnFV said:


> Oh, and this ------> He did buy groceries yesterday because I told him I haven't been paid yet this month and am out of money.
> 
> I am pleased with this but it makes me feel really bad because apparently all I had to do was tell him this stuff all along and he would have done it, most likely. I brought a lot of stuff and stress on to myself because I set such a low expectation and took care of everything myself. He is definitely the type of man who needs to be flat out told "Please do _____ and ______ and ______." It does not appear to come naturally for him. And I hate to nag or ask for things. So we are definitely a mismatch.


I'm really glad he's doing what's necessary. You're being firm and it seems to be working out well. If you ask in a neutral tone and don't complain about past things he hasn't done, you're not nagging. 

I saw your post about why the MIL and SILs didn't like you and as I thought, there is no reason expect a simple lack of affinity. So if they aren't smart enough to at least be courteous, you're really doing the right thing by ignoring them.

Keep us updated and good luck with everything.


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## HBnFV (Sep 22, 2015)

Thanks Omego - went in this afternoon and simply added my name to his two accounts. I feel a lot better knowing daughter and I will not be up crap's creek financially if there were ever an emergency.

Also thought it was funny and wanted to share that his mother didn't waste any time posting to Facebook a huge thank you to her "daughters and their guys" for the "best birthday dinner ever". Either we weren't invited or we were and my husband made the decision for us to decline. Either way I find it funny that she made it clear to everyone that her son and daughter - in- law were not part of making her birthday special.

Last time something like this happened, I received a nasty private message from MIL's sister, who I don't even know, insulting me for not getting her a birthday gift. These people. Sigh.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

HBnFV said:


> ... went in this afternoon and simply added my name to his two accounts.


Did your husband accompany you to the bank?



HBnFV said:


> Also thought it was funny and wanted to share that his mother didn't waste any time posting to Facebook a huge thank you to her "daughters and their guys" for the "best birthday dinner ever". Either we weren't invited or we were and my husband made the decision for us to decline. Either way I find it funny that she made it clear to everyone that her son and daughter - in- law were not part of making her birthday special.


Why is this funny? You know your MIL is a cruel, nasty woman. Why are you looking on her FB page? No, I don't think you find this funny at all ... there is nothing laughable here. Quit picking at the scab and throwing salt in the wound. She basically hates your guts.

Leave it alone and stop all contact; even the type where you go online to see the latest comments from this bunch of nuts.

A saying we have in Al-Anon: "What you think of me is none of my business." If you want to really cut these people out of your life, don't go looking at their FB pages, twitters, or any other social media where they can tell the world how great everyone is ... except for you.


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## HBnFV (Sep 22, 2015)

Husband and I left our daughter with my parents for the afternoon. We took the car for an oil change, went into the bank to get my name added to his checking and savings, and then he suggested we go to lunch at my favorite restaurant. I have no idea if this progress is because I basically put my foot down and said, "we are going to the bank on Monday to get this finally taken care of," or if he came to the realization himself after I asked him if he thought a good dad and husband would do this to his wife and daughter. Either way, I'm both pleased and relieved. We had a comfortable lunch date and I let him know that I appreciated all his effort lately.

Hopefully this trend will continue if I ask for things, be more assertive and acknowledge his efforts.

I have his mom and sisters blocked from seeing what I post on FB but they have not blocked me. Occasionally when I scroll through my news feed I see something she posted like she did yesterday. I thought I was making progress because I found that post amusing instead of being wrecked about it like I would have been before. 

I am not connected to them on any other site - twitter, pinterest, Instagram, etc...they have requested to follow me on all three but I never accepted. 

Don't know if the woman hates my guts but she is obviously definitely not a fan!


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

How's everything going, HBnFV?


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