# What do I do and how do I fix this?



## Big John (Aug 9, 2010)

My wife and I have known each other for 11 years and have been married for 9 years. We have 2 beautiful kids together, gorl 5 and boy 2. Everything started out great as usual. I own a real estate appraisal company and have been in the industry for almost 19 years. After we got married we sold her place and built a new house in 2003. During after the sale and during the construction phase my business started to diminsh due to the new location. She lost her job before we moved in and money became really tight. As time went on, she became very distant and we began to agrue alot about jobs and money. She eventualy saught out an ex-boyfriend that became a troubling issue with us, but after many discussions and therapy with our priest she quit talking to him and things became much better. We had our first child and she finally found a new job. My business continued to struggle. As years went on she started to get addicted to spending money (credits cards, etc) and we eventually had to refinance our place 3 times to cover the equity line that I had to use to payoff the cards. After seeing a marriage counsler I thought things were getting better as she stopped shopping, but we eventually were forced to do a short sale as the real estae market collapsed. My business followed in the boom, but still running, barely. I have been forced to seek a second job and got one as a truck driver which keeps me away from home (home everyother weekend). I thought things were OK with all things considered, but I recently noticed and excessive amounts of phone calls to one number when I was reviewing the bill. She claimed it was an old giorlfriend from high school. I found it wierd that she would be talked that much all of a sudden...when she woke up through out the day and before bed and sometime to 3am. I eventually called the number and got the voicemail to her ex-boyfriend. I confronted this to her and she claimed she didn't tell me the truth as I would get mad, go figure. I asked her to stop talking to him and lets get this marriage back to were it needs to be. She stated she doesn't want to stop talking to him, but will on her terms. He is now married out of the area and his wife has no idea what is going on. My wife stated that she still loves me, but is not sure if she is in-love with me and that she hasn't been happy for many years. My wife also stated that she enjoys talking to him as that is something she can't do with me on the phone or in person as when she does it reminds her of how unhappy she is and all the issues and problems with have and had throughout the years. Before I left yesterday to go back on the road, she did mention that she would like to fix the marriage, but doesn't know how. Sionce I have known her, she has not once gone out on her own to seek advice or search on the internet to improve our marriage and refuses from day one to do a financial budget. I don't know what to do anymore and I don't want to loss my marriage. What do I do and how do I fix this before it goes to far to repair? Sorry for the story, thought knowing a brief history would help in the repsonses.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Wow...I'm not sure what to say. My boyfriend used to drive truck like you, and is considering going back to it. For us, we generally found that the majority of our time spent on the phone was with each other. I have other friends, as does he, but because we didn't get to see each other at the end of the workday like other couples, we would spend most of our free time on the phone together to make up for that. We both have headsets for our cell phones, so talking while he was driving wasn't an issue, unless he was in heavy traffic or bad weather, otherwise we only got off the phone when he was picking up or delivering or going to bed. 

I find it odd that she wouldn't want to talk to you. I think that is a big indication that things are pretty bad. Even if my boyfriend and I argued, I still would want to talk to him, maybe even more so because he wasn't here. Her claim that talking to you reminds her of how unhappy she is and all the issues you guys have had is why she doesn't want to talk to you seems unusual to me, too. Like I said, if my boyfriend and I were having problems (and we have before), that's all the more reason I'd want to talk to him. I wouldn't want to be unhappy. I'd want to try to fix things, or determine they're not fixable and move on. 

I can't suggest you guys get counseling, because I know from experience that scheduling stuff and doing anything that requires a commitment to physically being there is pretty much impossible. Possibly some phone based counseling, but again, requires the commitment of calling at a certain time, and you might not be able to do that. 

I think you need to ask her to tell you honestly if she wants to fix things. If she says she does, then I'd tell her she needs to go online and do some research of her own and try to find some ways of fixing this. Explain that you can't fix this all by yourself, and that you aren't able to do any research yourself due to the job. Tell her you're open to any and all suggestions she comes up with, and see what happens. I would also tell her that the old boyfriend needs to go away. Make that a requirement, not a request.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

If you ask me i think you should confront the OM and his wife. Why should they get the priviledge of keeping this from his wife and you are trying to hang on to your marriage? 

You already know if you do nothing at all then they will continue with their behavior which will lead (if it hasn't already) to a PA. 

Also since you are newb search this forum for advice on what to do. There are MANY post that give excellent advice on how to stop this behavior, if she doesn't stop at least you will know where you stand and know what to do.

good luck!


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Your wife is either in a full Emotional Affair or the beginning of one.

“She stated she *doesn't want to stop talking to him*, but will *on her terms*.

He is now married out of the area and* his wife has no idea what is going on*. 

My wife stated that she s*till loves me, but is not sure if she is in-love with me* and that she hasn't been happy for many years. “

YES this is the pattern … 




Read the following..

Infidelity, Cheating Wives - Women's Infidelity



Now you must assume that your wife is having an affair.. 

Stop the affair or loose your marriage.. Do not tolerate this under any circumstances she is laughing at you. 

---------------


Typically the steps to save your marriage are:

Stop the affair and then save the marriage.

Do the following..

Suck your gut in and man up. Breath deeply, focus, the road ahead is tough, act with conviction and do not waver.

Gather the evidence, duration and times of the calls, text messages, copies of the mails contents, where she is going, photos if you can. etc. Do so NOW

Then 

Tell your wife; be absolutely clear that you know she is in an AFFAIR and it stops now. Do not debate, argue or present evidence. 

I suspect your wife will decline so the next piece does not count YET. go to the end of this section.

****

If she says yes and agrees to cooperate say you require of her to write a no contact letter, she writes, you read, she mails.


The Purpose Of No Contact

Sample No Contact Letters


She gives you full access to her mail, text messages and any other form of communication she has with OM. All links to OM are to be severed.

Be very observant, doing these things does not mean she has stopped the affair – often this continues underground.

You must now support her, listen and hear what she says, try to understand why this happened in the first place, you may have to change - do it. Go to counselling together.

*****

If she declines or denies then you have no option but to fight for your marriage..

This step is caused exposure..

Continue to gather evidence: - text messages, phone call details, mail content, her whereabouts, her behaviours every thing you can get.

You need as much information on the OM as you can get:-, his contact details, his wife , girlfriend, parents, place of work, etc.

Once done let all her family know - just the facts only, no emotions calm and concise. 

Let her friends know 

Get hold of his wife & family let them know. 

You need to make the affair uncomfortable and unpleasant and put it in the torchlight so all can see.

There will be some reaction, often the affair partner leaves home, DO NOT leave your home, it is their affair therefore it is their problem. 

Secure your finances; you must not financially support the affair. 

It is now that you have a difficult route. 

They are in the fog and will not cease contact.

You have no other way forward on this and cannot influence anything while they are in this mode whether they are at home or not.

It is in this period you now start working on you. Affairs happen for a reason. A bit of self-assessment is needed. 

Make changes to yourself; it must be evidenced by your actions. Do not grovel or engage in any communication or actions that place you at an emotional or mental disadvantage to your wife. You take the moral high ground, no lectures, no anger , no fighting, just loveable you who wants to save the marriage.

****
Extract from another post..

Instead, step back. Slow down. Learn some new methods of communicating, and begin a very thorough analysis of your marriage history. Look back for trouble areas - things that you may consistently fight about, things that bother you (but you never talked about), things that made you sad, things that hurt either of you. 

Take some relationship questionnaires - download and print out copies: if your marriage is to recover and become a better refuge for the two of you, these things will give you the tools you need to communicate exactly what you need to fix the broken parts

*****

Should you see your wife in this period then ensure she knows you love her and she is welcome to return back on condition she stops the affair. 

You acknowledge your failings and evidence that you are working to be a better loving husband.

This is a long road and it may take days, weeks or even months.

Go to marriagebuilders.com and explore the tips to fix your marriage. 

Research Plan A and Plan B. on marriagebuilders.com


Look after YOURSELF at all times.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Below is the response from another thread. 

I need to caution you, many who come to the site fail to understand the gravity of their position and choose not to follow the advice.

It inevitably turns out to be a long painfull hurtfull processes. Please do listen. Your post details the typical pattern of an emotional affair.

********

If I could interject some advice: when you ask a Disloyal Spouse to stop contacting someone, they will either argue that you are trying to control them, or they will grow angry, claiming it is just a friend, or else they will agree, and take the affair deeper. Asking them to stop is an incomplete step:

...it will fail. 

It isn't the snooping that is the problem, it is the affair. It is the hiding, lying, and turning to ANOTHER person to get the things you should ONLY get from your spouse. In fact, if things are going normally between you and your spouse, there is almost no reason why, if you asked your wife, she would not simply show you what she had been doing. 

So - ask her to stop, yes. But FOLLOW THAT UP by requesting that she write a no contact letter to this Other Man; one that YOU read and mail. 

Purpose of no contact.

Sample No Contact Letters.

The reason is that there must be a break between the Other Man and she, not a retreat. And to cut that relationship off, the Other Man needs to know that it is over. Asking her to stop (and then relying on her promise that she has) is a bigger risk to your marriage than the anger she will experience when you ask her. Your marriage can get over anger. It cannot survive another man.


Quote:
You will know then once and for all, whether she is cheating or not. Make sure you get hard proof that she cannot deny (pictures). 

If you take a little time to read some of the threads on this site (and other sites) you will see that REGARDLESS of the evidence, it can, and will be denied. That is not the point of the evidence. The point of the evidence is to answer any questions YOU might have - it is not a useful tool to get her to stop the affair (that rarely happens.)


Quote:
You will know one way or another after that, and you can then decide where to go from there. 

In essence, you have enough proof to proceed. You can easily take the necessary steps to recover your marriage with what you have now. If you still doubt things, then by all means, continue to gather evidence until YOU are convinced that an affair is happening. 

Then move to the NEXT step in the process.


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## Big John (Aug 9, 2010)

Thank you everyone for your posts as this is all helpful information. Please keep posting with great ideas and options. I guess the big key right know being thatI'm away on the road is getting some time to have a good conversation via phone. I don't think waiting 2 more weeks is a good idea now that everything is out in the open as she might continue as lose more interest in me. Really wish I could be home with her and the kids so we can work it out together versus phone and seeing each other everyother weekend. Sad thing is she already getting settled in as a single mom and thats not what I want, but I have to make money to pay the bills.


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## Big John (Aug 9, 2010)

Well, I talked to my wife and she admitted that she has feelings for the OM. I asked her if they were strong enough to end our marriage or does she still want to save it, she claimed she didn't know. She claimed that she enjoys his conversation and they talk about many things and even talked about them meeting each other. Later she mentioned that they both agreed that meeting each other was a bad idea. I mentioned that she need to be proactive if search steps that we could try to fix this marriage and writing down what makes her unhappy and what she feels would make a happy marriage and she agreed , but stated again she need to figure out what she really wants. I also mention that she should seek counseling as it helped her last time and maybe devulging her issues to a counsler who is unbaised would be better for her. She is obviously confused and torn and having this OM in the picture doesn't help. I obviously have to give her some space to figure out what she wants, but this is just not fair to me as I wait around and watch my life to fall apart and lose my kids.

I called the OM wife this evening hoping that her and I could work together to save both our marriages. Didn't work, turns out they have been seperated for 2 years and she is about to file for divorce. Now I know the OM true intentions. My wife claims that in the text messages that he supports my wife in trying to save the marriage, how hard is that to believe?

I have always been close to my mother-inlaw (wierd I know). When the OM popped in the picture 6 years ago she helped. I promised my wife during our agruement on Sunday that I would keep the family and friends out of it until we could figure everything out. I think it might be time to ask for re-inforcements. My biggest fear and feeling is that she is so unhappy that she won't attempt to fix the marriage and will see what could happen with this OM. 

I thought of taking a leave of absence to go home and try working this out, but it could take to long and we need the money. I also thought of quiting my job that I have had for a month and go home make less (really less, poverty less) money, but be available to work things out. How does one fix a marriage when your never home? What should I do?


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Your wife is having an affair. 

To stop the affair is the first priority. There will be no progress in "fixing" your marriage until her affair is stopped.

1. Study posts from Wisp. They hold the key.

2. Stop being the "nice guy." This time for that is over. Now to be the stand up guy to save your marriage. This is saying do NOT ask your wife how she feels about you, or the affair man, or give her time, or give her "space", or wait for her to make a decision, or any of these other marriage killers, etc. No no no no no! The action and decision is in your court only!

3. Cut off her money. She is using you to finance her affiar. No cell phone, spending money, etc.

4. Fully involve her family and even yours if necessary to REVEAL the affair. Do not worry to spare her feelings, the reality is practically everyone will see you as the good man standing up for his marriage and your wife's best interest. Do NOT make any "deals" with your wife to keep things quiet, etc. This will not work and is making you look, well, in her eyes like you are helping her with her affair.

5. Do not put stock into words she says. She will say things like "I've never been happy", and "the affiar man makes me happier now than ever", etc etc. These are just her "emotional high" speaking, clouding her judgment. This high is what you are to eliminate when you expose the affair to the light of day, suddenly the affair loses it's luster and becomes an embarrasment and something making her feel worse about. This is what you want.

6. Most important, take care of yourself. I have seen time and time again on this forum, the man in his confusion and frustration becomes desperate and even sometimes "begs" his woman to stop her affair, etc. This is the worse thing, because to your woman it reinforces her idea that the affair man is strong and sexual, and her husband is weak, immature, and less of a man. So behave in ways to contradict this, so to focus on yourself is very important to give you the confidence and emotional strength to engage and defeat the "emotional high" your woman gets from the affair man.


In all this, search these forums for posts from MEM11363, Turnera, atholk, and even myself for these hints.

I know being on the road makes things even more difficult. To overcome this, still to decide to communicate direct and matter of fact to your wife over your cellphone (take hers away!), and enlist the asisstance of friends and family as allies right away, do not be ashamed of taking action to save your marriage, it is the right thing to do!

I wish you well.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Thread with similar situation that may be beneficial.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...968-my-world-has-fallen-apart.html#post124273


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

How does one fix a marriage when your never home? What should I do? - You need to stay at home and find work locally. This is tough in today's climate but your marriage comes first, let your wife know that you are doing this to save your marriage. 

Call all the family and friends and tell them about the affair.

A point on the OM , DO NOT TRUST HIM OR YOUR WIFE. He has everything to gain you have everything to lose.

You need to call his wife again and find out where he works, do not let her know your game plan, if he is in contact with your wife it could be during office hours, thus you can make the call to his company and state that he is sexually harassing your wife on company time... 

Let your wife know you love her and together you will save your marriage.

Make sure at all times she knows that if she leaves the relationship or house the children stay with you.

Do not debate the practicality of you looking after them, keep to the script - this is her doing not yours. She is choosing an affair above her family and your love and her love for you. She is in the FOG.

Choose key sentences from these posts and use them in your conversation with her.. 

Wishing you well , the journey ahead is tough..


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If she refuses to stop talking to him, and she refuses to give you access to her phone and computer so you can verify it, you need to expose the affair to her family and best friends. Pick one person first she's closest to and ask her to help. If that doesn't work, tell all her important people. This will force her to either go full on to the OM or commit to the marriage. You HAVE to do this to get the contact to stop, or you don't have a marriage.


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## Big John (Aug 9, 2010)

During our agruement on Sunday when everything came out she asked me not to tell either of our family's and I told I wouldn't. I told her then she had 48 hours to end the relationship even though she declined and want to do it on her terms. 48 hours came and gone with no communication of her ending the affair, so I called her mother. Boy was she pissed....so angry we had to end the call so she could calm down. Before I knew it had a call from my wife asking me why I would call her mother when she asked me not to. I told her I was saving our marriage and she didn't end the affair. I also told her that it was her fault not mine and if she didn't have the affair none of this would be happening. Her mother told her that if she seperates or divorces me for the OM or any OM, that they were done with her. They don't want her calling them and they don't ever want to see her again. I was not expecting her mother to say all that. I fealt bad for what occured as I know she has been working on building a better relationship with her parents. After everything settled in my head I realized that I dont feel bad at all, actually happy it happened as it exposed her secret. The got a text from her telling me that her sister just sent her a text aand disowned her if she went through with it. Same thing with the other sister. Her entire family is ashamed and pissed off and supports me and her parents claimed if that all happend they will do whatever they can to help me get full custody of both kids. I sent a response text back to my wife telling her that she caused this and it's time to step up and fix this marriage. she texted me back telling to F you and leave her alone. Then my daughter calls me to say hello and tells me that mommy is crying and that I broke her heart. I happy to hear that, but pissed that my daughter who is 5 knows whats going on, just not right.

I figured I will let this settle in with her and make no contact unless she calls me, hopefully this all works, but fear is that this pushes her furhter away from me. As time goes on, I'm realizing that if that does happen, she was already gone before. I going to remove her from my checking accounts tomorrow to protect my money and will probably have to quit my job to protect my relationship with my kids and tell her if she wants out to go, but the kids stay. Sad thing is no body is hiring where I live, don't know how I'm going to do this financially.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

John,
Wow. You are a determined guy. Good moves all. That took some steel balls - good for you. One thing - do NOT quit your job until you find a comparable job where you live. 

In this economy you WILL be able to find someone to pay for childcare while you travel - or family will help. OR your W will watch them while you travel if you trust her to do it well. No matter what though, DON'T quit your job unless you have a written offer from a local company that is enough to pay your bills. Your children are counting on you to care for them. 

As for your W, it may be that you have to freeze her out totally - read up on "doing a 180" - for a while for her to regain her sanity. Or maybe she never will. Either way a 180 gives you the best chance of success. You have already commenced the steps to a 180, good luck to you. 




Big John said:


> During our agruement on Sunday when everything came out she asked me not to tell either of our family's and I told I wouldn't. I told her then she had 48 hours to end the relationship even though she declined and want to do it on her terms. 48 hours came and gone with no communication of her ending the affair, so I called her mother. Boy was she pissed....so angry we had to end the call so she could calm down. Before I knew it had a call from my wife asking me why I would call her mother when she asked me not to. I told her I was saving our marriage and she didn't end the affair. I also told her that it was her fault not mine and if she didn't have the affair none of this would be happening. Her mother told her that if she seperates or divorces me for the OM or any OM, that they were done with her. They don't want her calling them and they don't ever want to see her again. I was not expecting her mother to say all that. I fealt bad for what occured as I know she has been working on building a better relationship with her parents. After everything settled in my head I realized that I dont feel bad at all, actually happy it happened as it exposed her secret. The got a text from her telling me that her sister just sent her a text aand disowned her if she went through with it. Same thing with the other sister. Her entire family is ashamed and pissed off and supports me and her parents claimed if that all happend they will do whatever they can to help me get full custody of both kids. I sent a response text back to my wife telling her that she caused this and it's time to step up and fix this marriage. she texted me back telling to F you and leave her alone. Then my daughter calls me to say hello and tells me that mommy is crying and that I broke her heart. I happy to hear that, but pissed that my daughter who is 5 knows whats going on, just not right.
> 
> I figured I will let this settle in with her and make no contact unless she calls me, hopefully this all works, but fear is that this pushes her furhter away from me. As time goes on, I'm realizing that if that does happen, she was already gone before. I going to remove her from my checking accounts tomorrow to protect my money and will probably have to quit my job to protect my relationship with my kids and tell her if she wants out to go, but the kids stay. Sad thing is no body is hiring where I live, don't know how I'm going to do this financially.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Keep on track, it will be tough but you have the moral high ground. Your wife will see the truth for what it is , eventually.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

I am standing in admiration of your quick and decisive action. If there is hope to save your marriage, yes if that is ultimately what you choose when you realize the choice is very much your own, then you are on the right and only track to get there. 

It is not surprising the reaction of your wife's family, although I am glad to hear your strong network of support, it is the truth that is sometimes maybe not so obvious to yourself caught in the stress and emotion but that is plain to those a little more removed from the situation. For your wife's well being, her family is showing the tough love that your wife is needing.

Regarding your wife, now things are falling apart in the fantasy world in her mind, her emotional high is to be replaced with the ugly reality and it is going to be very much the reality check for her. She will blame you and maybe even blame the whole world, but the truth is just as you said, the affair was her decision and you are the man stepping up with integrity to apply the medicine for the remedy, although it is a bitter pill to swallow to say the least. 

For the children in these matters, always take the high road even in some cases if you are feeling you need to defend yourself. When the dust settles, they will see your love and strength and integrity. 

And my advice on "no contact", as always with "giving space" I advice against it, and if necessary only sparingly. Instead, make your plan and continue to see it through. 

For example, if you decide that your next step is marriage counseling, then do not wait for your wife to "calm down" or for you two to "talk" or some other arbitrary line in the sand, but know to continue the momentum of action. 

Instead of waiting, make the phone calls yourself to the marriage councellor, set up the appointment yourself, and tell your wife when the appointment is. 

If she is refusing to attend, simply attend the appointments by yourself and document them, and if your wife continues to refuse then let her know you are documenting her refusal and you will be sure to let your lawyer know this when it comes time to fight for child custody.

In this way, it is crystal clear who the decisive man holding the cards in the scenario is, it will be you and not the affair man, who at this time will continue to be looking smaller and smaller in your wife's eyes.

Remember to continue to look after yourself as well, to be the strong leader mentally, emotionally, physically, and yes even financially. Eat, exercise, take walks, confide in a close friend or even on this forum the things that otherwise would eat you up inside. 

This is not the time to be a solitairy warrior, but build your army around your marriage so to speak. Instead take every advantage of the resources available to you, even your wife's family that have stepped up so readily to the plate. 

Perhaps arrange the childcare with them, even so your wife can experience the reality, and not just the words, of the possibility of her losing the children due to her affair.

I am trusting MEM11363 in these job issues, there may be much of these things can you coordinate over the phone and through local friends and family, the marriage counselling and childcare for example, without leaving your existing job until the time is right.

Again I applaud your determination and integrity to save your marriage and I hope to be helpful in some way.




Big John said:


> During our agruement on Sunday when everything came out she asked me not to tell either of our family's and I told I wouldn't. I told her then she had 48 hours to end the relationship even though she declined and want to do it on her terms. 48 hours came and gone with no communication of her ending the affair, so I called her mother. Boy was she pissed....so angry we had to end the call so she could calm down. Before I knew it had a call from my wife asking me why I would call her mother when she asked me not to. I told her I was saving our marriage and she didn't end the affair. I also told her that it was her fault not mine and if she didn't have the affair none of this would be happening. Her mother told her that if she seperates or divorces me for the OM or any OM, that they were done with her. They don't want her calling them and they don't ever want to see her again. I was not expecting her mother to say all that. I fealt bad for what occured as I know she has been working on building a better relationship with her parents. After everything settled in my head I realized that I dont feel bad at all, actually happy it happened as it exposed her secret. The got a text from her telling me that her sister just sent her a text aand disowned her if she went through with it. Same thing with the other sister. Her entire family is ashamed and pissed off and supports me and her parents claimed if that all happend they will do whatever they can to help me get full custody of both kids. I sent a response text back to my wife telling her that she caused this and it's time to step up and fix this marriage. she texted me back telling to F you and leave her alone. Then my daughter calls me to say hello and tells me that mommy is crying and that I broke her heart. I happy to hear that, but pissed that my daughter who is 5 knows whats going on, just not right.
> 
> I figured I will let this settle in with her and make no contact unless she calls me, hopefully this all works, but fear is that this pushes her furhter away from me. As time goes on, I'm realizing that if that does happen, she was already gone before. I going to remove her from my checking accounts tomorrow to protect my money and will probably have to quit my job to protect my relationship with my kids and tell her if she wants out to go, but the kids stay. Sad thing is no body is hiring where I live, don't know how I'm going to do this financially.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I am so glad you got such amazing support from her family! Wow! That's the strongest support I've ever heard. I have high hopes.

Now what? Now, you step back, wait, NEVER raise your voice, ALWAYS remain calm and LOVING, and WELCOMING. The one thing most cheaters feel at this point is shame and the next thing is that you will hate them for the rest of their lives and make their lives hell if they come home. Your job is to convince her that you WILL forgive her, but not forget, because you intend to FIX your marriage and BECOME all that she was missing. Tell her that this was your wakeup call, and that you will never again be that man that made her want to look elsewhere; that you are dedicated to making her the happiest woman on earth. 

And BRAVO to you for standing your ground on saying the kids stay with you, and the money situation. I agree; do NOT quit your job. Go to United Way and find your local chapter. Call them up and tell them what's happening, and see if they can help you make arrangements with the kids if you end up needing help.

Great job!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Big John,
Let me briefly explain the reasoning for my comments about your job. As Men we are expected to provide. And much of how WE feel about ourselves is impacted by our ability to do so. At this time in your life - when it is so critical your children see you as the strong, confident protector in their lives you need to FEEL that inside. It will be much harder to do so if you are unemployed or if you have to take a big pay cut. 

I understand how difficult your situation is, I simply think that harming your provider ability at this point is a mistake. It will ALSO reduce the chance of reconciliation with your W as a lower salary or full unemployment will very likely effect her opinion of you.






BigBadWolf said:


> I am standing in admiration of your quick and decisive action. If there is hope to save your marriage, yes if that is ultimately what you choose when you realize the choice is very much your own, then you are on the right and only track to get there.
> 
> It is not surprising the reaction of your wife's family, although I am glad to hear your strong network of support, it is the truth that is sometimes maybe not so obvious to yourself caught in the stress and emotion but that is plain to those a little more removed from the situation. For your wife's well being, her family is showing the tough love that your wife is needing.
> 
> ...


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## Dontknowhow2love (Aug 13, 2010)

I believe that her talking to an ex on the phone is not a reason for divorce. I know I have ex's that are only my friend now we came to the conclusions we are better friends then we ever been lovers. I have one in particular that I speak to often but have no emotional love for him other then a friendship. We can talk about anything and most of the time I am talking about my husband or other issues in my life. He is a good listener without judgement. You did say he is out of the area and married so right there you know there is no way of physical affair. I feel you need to learn to be a friend to your wife. I know men get so caught up in making money and taking care of home they forget how to listen and talk to their wives. sometimes it is good just to listen without judgement so she knows she can talk to you. I don't know your relationship with your wife but if everything turns into an argument like some couples sometimes words become less and less. Try romancing your wife and remind her why you fell in love in the first place. Put back in your relationship what you use to have when you first fell in love. Don't automatically make assumptions because she is talking to an ex. Even if she is having what they may call an affair of the heart. She is only trying to fill a void and you can fill that void back. The point is the man is married and far away when she could easily find a man within her reach. That tells me her subconscience really don't want to cheat because if did she would trust me not just talk on the phone. The money issues can be delt with at a later time. As you start communicating better you can talk to her and find a compromise.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Dontknowhow2love, if your husband were to tell you that he wanted you to stop communicating with your ex, would you?


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## Dontknowhow2love (Aug 13, 2010)

That is a real good question because we are good friends and we have no romantic interests with each other. My husband is pretty secure in our relationship so I don't think it will happen. I also only speak to this person on the phone. we live far from each other. but if he did I would strongly consider it. I cant say I would do it.


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## marriagesucks (Sep 24, 2010)

i think your wife started talking with her ex to try to fill a void that was missing in your relationship. Sounds like she is at the point where she is really checked out.

I applaud you for trying to keep your family together. But, I hate to say it. It seems your marriage is over. How do you overcome this exposure to the entire family and still put things back together. Why do you want to stay with someone like that?

It seems what is keeping you together are your fear of loosing your kids. If your kids were not in the picture, would you still stay together? 

Some marriages can survive affairs, but the cheater has to realize he/she made a mistake and want to save the marriage. This is not the case hear.

I think you made all the right steps considering the situation. I think you are good to protect yourself financially. I think you should talk to a lawyer so you understand how you can LEGALLY protect yourself. She is probably not crying for you, she is crying because her world is now upside down.

If she came to you now that she is at real risk of losing the marriage and says, I want to work it out and I am serious, that by all mean do it. You can't force anyone to stay who doesn't want to and is already emotionally invested in someone else. The real bombshell was finding out he was separated 2 years and they are getting a divorce!!! As soon as he is available, what is going to stop her from going to him?

Let me stop here....


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