# verbal abuse



## yvonne123 (Mar 19, 2013)

i really don,t know what to do & also don,t know if this is really as bad as i feel it is-i think the problem is i have put up with it for so long i am used to it.i have been with my husband for 40 yrs(second marriage for us both)i had 2 children by my first husband & we have a child together-he has always had a bad temper & a short fuse which he blames on his bad childhood ,however i always knew to avoid something that would spark him-over the last possibly 10 or more years the fuse has got shorter & litrally anything can start him,obviously the children are all grown up & we live alone now-his verbal abuse & temper can be over something so petty it is unbelievable,he screams,shouts,insults me,swears profusely,accuses me of anything (like making visitors too welcome so they stay longer than they should)throws things,threatens me,pushs me & litrally terrifies me,i cannot argue back as if i try to say something he,s in my face threatning me-he looks like a mad man-i am made to sit & take it as he is much bigger & stronger than me & could do so much damage.a 2 day ignoring follows & then he slowly acts as if nothing ever happened-what worries me now is although these episodes frighten me at the time they don,t really upset me anymore,i have never had a temper & am a completely different personality to him-i have always been the 1 who takes all the responsibility for the house/bills/kids/budget & have always worked-i know he feels inferior but when i,ve in the past asked him to take over the running of things he doesn,t want to know-i don,t know what the answer is but just to write it down makes me feel better.i just feel stuck,too old to do anything about it & don,t know how to get a peaceful life again


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

You are never too old to have a good life. You are living in an abusive household. Your H will never magically change and get better on his own. He sounds mentally unstable. How old are both of you? Do either of you work?


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## yvonne123 (Mar 19, 2013)

hi there,i am in my mid 60s & he is 5 yrs younger - we are both retired although he hasn,t worked for approx 20 yrs due to health problems


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

Run, don't walk. I don't care how old you are. You will find out there is so much more to life than dealing with this crap! He already pushes you, how long before he starts to hit you? You did say his fuse is getting shorter. You are already in an abusive relationship! I wish you the best of luck and the strength to leave this man who very clearly does not make you happy!


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## notperfectanymore (Mar 1, 2012)

I am so sorry you are in this situation! I agree you are being abused and need to take care of yourself. Has your husband been to the Dr recently? I wonder, given his age if it isn't some early symptom of a degenerative disease? Sorry I can't be more specific but it might help to inquire with his Dr...


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

What health problems does he have? It sounds like you've been a complete caregiver to a man who thanks you by yelling, insulting, and demoralizing you. You do NOT deserve this kind of treatment. He sounds like he can't take care of himself...you sound like you feel obligated to continue taking care of him and feel guilty for wanting to leave him. You need to have an honest discussion with yourself and decide if you REALLY want to life the rest of your life this way. Yes, it is your choice, even though you may feel like you don't have a choice.


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## yvonne123 (Mar 19, 2013)

thank you all so much for your replies & yes w/up to life i do feel obligated to care for him because i know he can,t care for himself & i do feel guilty about thinking of leaving him-he does have health problems,1994 he had to have an op on the spine due to an accident & has had a heart attack but although he constantly has to keep talking about what is wrong with him(usually to me)& telling me why he can,t do various things if a friend turns up & suggests going somewhere or doing something he will be "much better" & can do it ! this sounds cruel of me but he has always milked any illness he has had,i always go to the doctors with him so as i know exactly what is wrong & what is needed,he smokes cannibis every day & if he hasn,t got any he is worse although he says he is not addicted & i think this has had an effect on his brain-i do feel sorry for him but i think a lot of his inadiquacy problems are in his head-he spends too much time thinking about himself & gets frustrated instesd of getting on with things he can do & taking his mind off what he can,t,i suffer from emphysemia so stress makes me worse


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Its more than just verbal abuse. 

Much more. 

Get some pepper spray or mace and keep it handy.

Really what you should do is file a restraining order and have him thrown out of the house.

I know, you're shaking your head thinking "I can't do any of those things!"

Well tell me, whats the alternative? Sit there and take the abuse as it gradually gets worse to the point he throws you through a window?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Yvonne, welcome to the TAM forum. The behaviors you describe -- the verbal and physical abuse, low self esteem, temper tantrums triggered in seconds, blame-shifting, icy withdrawal, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. 

Significantly, I am not saying your H "has BPD." Only a professional can determine whether his traits are so severe as to meet 100% of the diagnostic criteria. Yet, even when the traits fall well short of that threshold, they can make your life miserable and undermine your marriage. 

Moreover, because all of us occasionally exhibit all of the BPD traits (albeit, at a low level if we are healthy), it is easy to spot a strong pattern of such traits in a man you have been living with for many years. To do so, you only have to read about them so you know what to look for.


yvonne123 said:


> He has always had a bad temper & a short fuse.


BPDers (i.e., those having moderate to strong BPD traits) carry an enormous amount of anger and shame inside that they acquired in early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to say or do some minor thing that TRIGGERS the anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer's anger can suddenly explode within seconds and it takes very little to trigger that sudden release.


> He blames [it] on his bad childhood.


Most children having a "bad childhood" do not develop BPD. It nonetheless greatly raises the risk for doing so. Moreover, if your H is a BPDer, he likely had a very traumatic childhood that resulted in the anger and shame he has been carrying ever since. In a recent study, 70% of BPDers reported that they had been abused or abandoned in childhood.


> I know he feels inferior.


BPDers typically have low self esteem. Indeed, that is an understatement. It would be more accurate to say they typically are filled with self loathing and shame. Further, they typically have a fragile and unstable sense of who they are because the childhood trauma interrupted their development, leaving them stuck with the emotional development of a four year old.


> His verbal abuse & temper can be over something so petty it is unbelievable,he screams,shouts,insults me,swears profusely,accuses me of anything.


This is exactly how a four year old behaves when he has the intelligence, cunning, knowledge, and body strength of a full-grown adult. The result is that you are mired in a toxic marriage best described as a parent-child relationship, not a wife-husband relationship.


> I always knew to avoid something that would spark him.


Your "enabling" behavior -- trying to avoid triggering his anger -- is called "walking on eggshells." Such behavior is harmful to both of you. This is why _Stop Walking on Eggshells_ is the best-selling BPD book targeted to the abused spouses. Your behavior is called "enabling" because you are enabling him to continue behaving like a spoiled child -- and GET AWAY WITH IT.


> He throws things, threatens me, pushs me & litrally terrifies me.


Such physical abuse and bullying is strongly associated with having strong BPD traits. A 1993 Canadian study, for example, found that half of the wife batterers had BPD. Roger Melton summarizes the results of that study at Romeo's Bleeding - When Mr. Right Turns Out To Be Mr. Wrong -- Health & Wellness -- Sott.net.


> A 2 day ignoring follows & then he slowly acts as if nothing ever happened.


BPDers typically do "acting out" -- e.g., yelling and throwing a temper tantrum -- when their rage is triggered. Yet, because they are emotionally unstable people, they don't do anything consistently. They therefore will occasionally "act in," wherein they will be very quiet and punish you with icy silence and passive-aggressive behavior.


> I have always been the 1 who takes all the responsibility for the house/bills/kids/budget & have always worked.


If you've been living with a BPDer for 40 years, you almost certainly are an excessive caregiver like me. If so, your desire to be needed (for what you can do) far exceeds your desire to be loved (for the woman you already are). The result is that you likely mistake "being loved" for "being needed." Indeed, you may have difficulty feeling that you are being loved if the person does not desperately need you. People like us learn, at an early age, to be the "fixers" in the family.


> i really don,t know what to do.


I suggest that you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. I also suggest that, while you are waiting for an appointment, you read more about BPD traits to see if most sound very familiar. 

Importantly, I don't know whether your H has most BPD traits at a strong level. I've never even met the man. I nonetheless am confident that you can learn to spot any strong traits that are occurring if you take time to learning the nine warning signs. There is nothing subtle about traits such as verbal abuse, temper tantrums, and lack of impulse control. 

An easy place to start reading, here on TAM, is my post at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description of BPD traits rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. And there are many other TAM members -- like Waking who posted above -- who have shown a willingness to share their BPD experiences. Take care, Yvonne.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Oh, good...I was hoping Uptown would jump in here. Yvonne, PLEASE read what Uptown posted and check out the link "My list of hell" he put in there. Arm yourself with knowledge. It will be your best weapon in your battle to find the peace you are seeking.


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## yvonne123 (Mar 19, 2013)

thank you so much uptown & w/u/t/life - what a brilliant & understandable piece of information you have given uptown,i will indeed read what you have suggested & hopefully there may be a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.to be able to speak about it & for people to offer support is a great help as obviously no one else knows


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## yvonne123 (Mar 19, 2013)

uptown & w/u/y/life - i have read what you suggested & it could have been written about my situation! approx 85% of it was identical to my problems the other 15% was possibly 50/50.i am now going to get the book you suggest & have a read-i can,t believe that after all these years i have found an answer - i was really on the verge of believing him when he says that his aggresion & temper tantrums are my fault because i speak down to him even though i know that i don,t,i am so careful with my words for obvious reasons,but it doesn,t matter what i say to defend myself i am a liar-anyway thank you once again & i am so glad that i have found this site.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Yvonne, I am glad to hear you found the information that Waking and I provided to be helpful.


> it doesn,t matter what i say to defend myself i am a liar


Yvonne, I had the same experience with my BPDer exW. She was convinced that I was making up lies nearly every week. Because an untreated BPDer's emotional development is stunted at the age of a young child, she never has learned the skill of intellectually challenging her intense feelings. So, instead, she firmly believes that her feelings MUST be true and, hence, the spouse MUST be lying.

BPDers nonetheless typically do not want the spouse to leave because they have such a strong desire to have someone around to center and ground them. Hence, although they are devaluing and hating their spouses much of the time, they don't want them to leave. This is why the second-best selling BPD book is called _I Hate You, Don't Leave Me._ 

After my divorce, for example, my exW kept calling me (just to visit) every two weeks for 8 months. I accepted her calls but never returned them. Finally, after 8 months of this, she asked why I never called her and asked whether we could ever be friends again.

In response, I asked her whether she still considered me to be a violent man who made up lies every week. She said, "Oh yes, I still believe that." I then explained to her that, because trust is the foundation on which all friendships must be built, we could never be friends. I told her that it would be impossible for her to ever trust me. I explained that, until she learned how to trust herself, she would never be able to trust anyone else. 

I had delayed telling her this for many months because I just didn't have the heart -- or the good sense -- to do it sooner. It was so sad to do it because I was painfully aware that I was talking to a frightened little girl in the body of a full grown woman. It is very sad to tell a child that you can never be her friend again. Very sad, indeed.


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## yvonne123 (Mar 19, 2013)

hi there all - just a bit low at the moment after yet another outburst of anger from my husband-this time with people here(not usual) again over something simple but theres no reasoning with him-a red cloud decends & thats it-it wasn,t aimed at me this time but i caught it as well-o for some normality


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Yvonne, were you able to find the book? How are you doing now?


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## yvonne123 (Mar 19, 2013)

hi uptown - not to bad thankyou,have found the book on amazon & ordered it so should be here next week.my h had started to spark infront of my daughter & grandson the other day & although she has seen him moody & nasty she had never seen him go that far before (which is nothing to how he goes in private) however i had a good talk with her later & told her what i had found out & she also is going to read the book-anyway she had a good talk/row/shout with him the following day in private & he has admitted to her that he knows there is a problem-he has been very pleasant since but i,m not holding my breath as he has gone 2/4weeks in the past before erupting again although no one else has ever spoken to him about anything before perhaps it may help it certainly can do no harm-at least now i know what i am up against & hopefully will know how to handle it & MAYBE get somewhere-thankyou again for your help you have been great


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

This may have already been mentioned, but while you're waiting for your book to come, scour this website for some really good articles and even a discussion forum about BPD: Borderline Personality Disorder - Support group for families and relationship partners.


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## yvonne123 (Mar 19, 2013)

thank you w/u/t/life i will do that


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