# What I have learned...



## oilfieldguy (Jul 3, 2011)

Hello to all. All of what you read here is about me and what I have done to fix me. I was a cheater in the past and received some great help from a head shrink and learned a lot about myself in the process. First off guy and gals if you are going to cheat just end the marriage now. The pain that will come later, lives that will be changed, the fights, the counseling, the broken trust, and all the other things is not worth the piece of ass your going after when you get caught. I was a serial cheater. For me it started with internet chatting, then phone calls, then meeting and lying to woman that I was not married. Was caught by the wife and told her it would not happen again. It did. Several times. In the beginning I pawned it off on her and told her things like you were not giving me what I needed. Next thing that happened was I started getting hookers. I tried sugar daddy sites. I have done it all. I did things that I will forever be ashamed of. By this time in my marriage there was no trust from my wife and she questioned everything. My phone was check, emails were check, and anything else she could check. My events of the day were analyzed and put under a micro scope. She accused on anything and everything, she had a right too. I was a scumbag bastard. Even when I was telling the truth she did not believe. I had proof of not doing anything and she would not believe me. I hurt this woman to the core. I don’t blame her for her actions. But back then to me it was all about getting in to something else. The final straw came one night when she called my hotel room and I was in the middle of the act. I made her believe I was innocent. She found out later I lied again. Just when she thought I could not hurt her more I manage to do it with that.
We had went to a marriage counselor before in the first stages of my cheating, but he was a joke and it did not help. After the last it was over. After some time I talked her into one more try. We went to a doctor this time. We went there at the same time and talked to him, there was crying and arguing and the stuff that goes with getting help. I took some test and it was said that I am a sex addict. Wow did not see that coming. The wife had said that in the past. 
Now I am a firm believer that what you do is on you. If someone beats their wife they blame it on the parents because that’s how they were raise. Horse ****. I called those hooker, I got on the internet chatting those were my choices. I did not cheat because of anything my wife had done or did not do. I cheated because I had my own demons inside. Through talking with the head doctor I learned more about myself than I ever wanted to know.
Here is a summary of what I figured out. When I was a kid my mother ran around and cheated, my uncles did the same thing. I grew up thinking this was normal. Now I knew what I was doing was wrong. But in the back of my mind I was living to be like my uncles and other people I looked up to as a youngster. 
I had to make a choice. Did I want to be like them or did I want my family and to be a dad to my kids and a husband to my wife. I choose to grow up stop all the bull **** of cheating and live my life to show my kids and wife what a loving family should be. I have been hooker free close to 2 years now. The wife and I still have a long road to recovery. There are other parts to the story that are not covered. 
I have learned that you are responsible for what you do. You don’t get to blame anyone else for your betrayal. You caused the hurt and the stress. Blaming your child hood or blaming your spouse is the wrong way to think. To stop you have to blame yourself and work from there. If you and your spouse are going to work through you have to fix you first. You can stop, you can change, and you can fix yourself if you want to. You have to want to.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Thanks for posting. Got a couple of questions if you don't mind?

Did you see the amount and extent of hurt your wife suffered at the time? 

I mean. Is that pain visible to the cheater while they are cheating and if it is how do you [the old you] deal with the fact that you love this person on one hand but send them to hell on the other?


This isn't a bash. I am just interested.


[so much for having a break from here..]


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## oilfieldguy (Jul 3, 2011)

Back then I knew she was hurt. I cared but not enough to change. Later on and after I found out that she had gotten to the point and started cheating too is when I really felt her pain and I had the complete understanding of what I had done to tear her down piece by piece.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Thanks.
So while you were actively cheating you could disassociate your self with the pain of your wife. 
This is interesting because it seems to be exactly what I observed in my wife.

Again thanks for posting..

If you had to put a percentage on the amount of suffering you saw while you were cheating compared to when you were cheating what would it be. 80% of pain ? 20% of pain ?

If there are any other cheaters brave enough to chime in that would be great!


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

That would be interesting to know


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## oilfieldguy (Jul 3, 2011)

I was so wrapped up with cheating my concern for my wife's pain was not their. When I got busted my concern was to say sorry i will never do it again. I was just saying it to end the fighting and arguing. I would be good for a bit. one month at the most and I was back on the prowl. I would also not let the real healing begin either. when she would bring up her anger I will get deffensive and tell her we moved on, no looking back. I was more concerned about my feelings. I would not face what she was going through. It was all about my needs. When would fight i would blame her for the fight. I did not realize the pain I was still putting her through at the time. After seeing the last doctor and before I found out she had cheated I started to see the real pain she was going through. My actions of not letting her yell at me and talking to me about her pain was hurting her more. It was at that time I new to really fix me I had to go through with her what she was feeling and talk about all i did to her, over and over. Then when I found out she had cheated a few time at the end that was the punch to me that I felt all the pain. I was truly sorry for what I had done. I dont recommend you cheat because you fall into the pot calling the kettle deal. It was the finishing touch that help me see the light.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

My ex was also a serial cheater. We were married 14 years with our divorce being final just last month. I tried very hard to have a good, healthy marriage but all he was interested in was other women. My ex had probably around 10 affairs I know of. 2 of those women became a relationship to him, the others were just fvck buddies. I do believe there were other affairs I never knew about it.
I dont know if my ex regrets anything he did to me. He shows no emotions at all. I have very limited contact with him. I see and talk to him just once a week when he sees the kids and then it's very brief contact, less than 5 minutes. I try to "study" his actions and expressions to try to see if maybe he may feel some guilt but he is cold. I can't get no emotional readings from him.
I do NOT want this man back. Not now, not ever but I do want him to regret what he did and to feel remorse. Does a serial cheater feel guilt even when they show no emotions?


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## oilfieldguy (Jul 3, 2011)

When I was cheating I fully expected that if caught my marriage was going to be over. I did not care while cheating at all. Thought of it often but always said I oh well. I to always said after I got caught thats it I am not doing this any more. But it never last. I had demons that I did not know I had. Once I understood what was going on in my head way in the back where you never looked I learned to fight it. There is a cycle that a serial cheater goes through. Once the steps of the cycle are known it became easy to interupe the cycle. 

Appleif your ex does not know whats going on in the back of his mind he will never really feel remorse. He needs to become aware of his demons and what starts the cycle. He most likely does not even know there is a cycle. Until he finds out what makes him start the cycle he will never stop cheating. Once he gets to that point then the flood gates open he will say sorry and mean it one day.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

oilfieldguy said:


> When I was cheating I fully expected that if caught my marriage was going to be over. I did not care while cheating at all. Thought of it often but always said I oh well. I to always said after I got caught thats it I am not doing this any more. But it never last. I had demons that I did not know I had. Once I understood what was going on in my head way in the back where you never looked I learned to fight it. There is a cycle that a serial cheater goes through. Once the steps of the cycle are known it became easy to interupe the cycle.
> 
> Appleif your ex does not know whats going on in the back of his mind he will never really feel remorse. He needs to become aware of his demons and what starts the cycle. He most likely does not even know there is a cycle. Until he finds out what makes him start the cycle he will never stop cheating. Once he gets to that point then the flood gates open he will say sorry and mean it one day.


he is too late for sorry. He can wallow in his self made sh!t hole now. It's funny how people will say that they love their ex so much they just want them to be happy no matter what. What a crock of crap. I dont want to see my ex happy. ffffffffffffffck that. I want to see him alone and fat and miserable and with a huge blistering zit right on his nose that will never ever go away.


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## oilfieldguy (Jul 3, 2011)

He will never better happy until he fixes himself. Since that does not look like it will he will be alone.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Oh AppleDucklings you made my night, lol! If my H left me for the OW, I'd be feeling the same way. I'm not so magnanimous that I'd be wishing him well for making such a craptastic decision. Nope, I'd be wishing on him the festering zit too. 

Helpful insight OFG on the mind of a serial cheater. There's definitely something going on in the back of my H's mind. It helped to go back and read his old journals from his previous affair (never found out about that one until he confessed it after this A discovery). Turns out his frame of mind prior to that affair was almost identical to his frame of mind right before the most recent one. He's making some discoveries about himself that he never realized and isn't particularily pleased with what he's finding. Seems a step in the right direction is to discover what those mind demons are and face them. Glad you were able to conquer yours, hoping my H can too.


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## oilfieldguy (Jul 3, 2011)

If he is seeing and noticing the cycles and the demons he is on a great track. This is a great sign. Awesome progress. There is good hope there.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

OFG, what could a betrayed husband say to a cheating wife to break that cycle? I'm curious, I have given up on R, am way past the point of no return (or am I really?) but for her sake if there is something I, or her family could say or do that showed her the demons controlling her mind what possibly could it be? Maybe the old "180" tlaked about on here is sometimes effective for that? Or is it something that is entirely internal?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Saffron said:


> Oh AppleDucklings you made my night, lol! If my H left me for the OW, I'd be feeling the same way. I'm not so magnanimous that I'd be wishing him well for making such a craptastic decision. Nope, I'd be wishing on him the festering zit too.
> 
> Helpful insight OFG on the mind of a serial cheater. There's definitely something going on in the back of my H's mind. It helped to go back and read his old journals from his previous affair (never found out about that one until he confessed it after this A discovery). Turns out his frame of mind prior to that affair was almost identical to his frame of mind right before the most recent one. He's making some discoveries about himself that he never realized and isn't particularily pleased with what he's finding. Seems a step in the right direction is to discover what those mind demons are and face them. Glad you were able to conquer yours, hoping my H can too.


LOL at craptastic. That's another one of my favorite words to say just cuz it's fun to say and everyone else knows my all time favorite word is what......?


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

It's ASSHAT everybody.


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## oilfieldguy (Jul 3, 2011)

Lon said:


> OFG, what could a betrayed husband say to a cheating wife to break that cycle? I'm curious, I have given up on R, am way past the point of no return (or am I really?) but for her sake if there is something I, or her family could say or do that showed her the demons controlling her mind what possibly could it be? Maybe the old "180" tlaked about on here is sometimes effective for that? Or is it something that is entirely internal?


The First thing is a true wanting to change. Next a good shrink. Someone to help her find out why the cheating is accuring. On your part you have to insure her that if she comes to and says I have thoughts that would lead to something bad you need to be calm and understand that this part is not cheating but idenafying the cycle. Break the cycle and it stops the cheating. I could not tell my wife about this she would blow a fuse and the fight would be on. I had my close friend that I talked to and he would remind me I cheat I lose.


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## oilfieldguy (Jul 3, 2011)

While i was was in full cheat mode I could not stop. I could tell myself this is wrong, but the wiring in the head seems to prevent rational thought. Thats why I stress found out why you do it, You will need a head doctor for this part. you cant fight demons if you dont know what they are. Once you figure out the cycle you can stop it. after time you can stop the cycle easily with little effort. I have been hooker free for a long damn time. Its a hard road at the begining.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Changes in behaviour are always hard at first. I applaud you OFG for your strength and honesty.


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## oilfieldguy (Jul 3, 2011)

This is therapy for me. If someone gets something out of it great. Thank you. I will soon be putting out a post about sex addicts meetings. If the wife or husband of the addict would know what is said in these meeting they would flip out.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> he is too late for sorry. He can wallow in his self made sh!t hole now. It's funny how people will say that they love their ex so much they just want them to be happy no matter what. What a crock of crap. I dont want to see my ex happy. ffffffffffffffck that. I want to see him alone and fat and miserable and with a huge blistering zit right on his nose that will never ever go away.


Be careful, I also had those same feelings towards my ex-wife and karma or whatever you want to call it, bit her big time and she's paying for it. 

For me, the taste of revenge is bitter and definitely not sweet. 

Please don't give permanent residence in your heart to the toxic twins of resentment and bitterness. They will keep you from moving on with your life and forever poison your soul.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

A favorite saying of mine:
"Revenge, thy name be sweet... but payback is a mother****er!!" 
 

and still ROFLMFAO @ a craptastic asshat with an eternal nose zit!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Numb-badger said:


> It's ASSHAT everybody.


:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::lol::lol::lol:
I knew you would come through NB!!!!!!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Numb-badger said:


> Changes in behaviour are always hard at first. I applaud you OFG for your strength and honesty.


Yes, me too. Thank you for your honesty and being on here to answer the questions of us who have been betrayed. Now, with my serial cheater of a husband, this last time he was caught cheating, when I asked him he did it again, after he promised me to not hurt me again, all he did was shrug his shoulders as if he really did not care. He told me he liked the attention.
Once his affair was exposed, some cheaters go underground with it to try to hide it even more, not my husband. He actually came right out in the open with it and would openly date this ow right in front of me. He knew it killed me but he did anyways. And we were still married, still living together. It was so sickening. Sometimes the ow would actually come to my house to pick him up. He had no regards for me at all. The day our D was final, he told me he was sorry but I really dont believe he actually is sorry.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

2xloser said:


> A favorite saying of mine:
> "Revenge, thy name be sweet... but payback is a mother****er!!"
> 
> 
> and still ROFLMFAO @ a craptastic asshat with an eternal nose zit!


:smthumbup:


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Something I've wrestled with understanding of my WW -- is she sorry she hurt me, or sorry she did it in the first place? ie, if she never got caught...or if somehow I was magically ok with it, would she be sorry she did what she did? I'll never know.


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## oilfieldguy (Jul 3, 2011)

It all depends with if she knows her demons or is she still in cheater mode. When in cheater mode I was not really sorry, I was just sorry I got caught. Every time I got better at hiding it. It would take my wife longer to find out. Now my wife was very resourceful. That woman knew how to dig and find ****. She even posted an ad on a sugar daddy site that she new I would answer. Got me good on that one. Now I get calls to found out how to catch cheaters from friends. Thinking I could start a company one day when I get time.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

oilfieldguy said:


> It all depends with if she knows her demons or is she still in cheater mode. When in cheater mode I was not really sorry, I was just sorry I got caught. Every time I got better at hiding it. It would take my wife longer to find out. Now my wife was very resourceful. That woman knew how to dig and find ****. She even posted an ad on a sugar daddy site that she new I would answer. Got me good on that one. Now I get calls to found out how to catch cheaters from friends. Thinking I could start a company one day when I get time.


It's like you have described my husband almost perfectly. With his demons and his multiple affair partners. He knew the consequences of his actions but it did not matter to him. He did what he wanted. Does a cheater truly love their spouse? How does the cheater feel when the spouse finally has enough and lets them go?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So, are you still married? Did you both get tested for STDs?


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## oilfieldguy (Jul 3, 2011)

Yes still married. yes tested 3 times. I might have been a scum bag but I was safe about it.


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## oilfieldguy (Jul 3, 2011)

For me yes I loved my wife then. I made sure everything at home was taken care. When we did slit up I was ok with. I wanted to be back together but was ok if it was over.


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