# Will the 180 Rule work for my situation?



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

When my H told me he wanted a separation a month ago someone recommended that I read Divorce Remedy Program which talks about the 180 technique. What I didn't know at the time I bought the book was that my H read the same book when he was fighting to save the his marriage with his ex-wife.

Well I started doing the 180 technique about 2-3 weeks after he told me about the separation which was basically right after Thanksgiving. So I've been doing it since then. In our last MC session (which he doesn't want to do MC anymore) he told me that I'm not acting the way I normally do and that I'm doing things on my own and acting different to manipulate him into going back to me because that's what I read in the book. The therapist asked me to clarify what I was doing (she didn't know about the book) and I told her that yes I was reading the book and that it was suggested that I do that in the book but in reality that I'm trying to find my life again and start doing things for myself again....something I didn't do through our marriage. I told the therapist that my H is going out with his friends and having a good time and I'm at home taking care of our 7-month old. So the therapist said to my H that it seems to her that I'm moving on with my life which he is doing as well.

So my question is....can the 180 technique work for me even though I did the begging, pleading, etc for the first 2-3 weeks and that he knows about this technique? It seems like he's moving further and further away from me as I've been doing the 180 rather than coming more towards me. We still live in the same house until the house sells.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

No it won't work because you are using it to try to get him back.

Doesn't even matter that he knows you're doing this. 

Doesn't even matter that you know that he knows you're doing this and you're trying to cover it up.

The 180 is not a manipulative tool to try to win back a partner. But you already know this and yet you're still expecting to get results.


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Lenzi - OUCH! 

No I'm not using it to get him back. At the beginning...yes I was. But as I was reading the book and learning about marriage and doing some soul searching, I realized that I need to process what is happening, make changes in my life to make myself happy, and begin to move on with my life. I am actually a much stronger person doing the 180 technique because I'm making myself better and putting myself first. At this point, I don't even know if I would take him back if the technique actually worked and he did come back...and no I wasn't trying to cover it up. What I said in our MC session was 100% true...if he can hurt me this way and still go out and have fun with no regard to me or our daughter, then I was going to start to live my life and do things.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If you're not trying to win him back, what exactly do you mean by it 'working' then?


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Lenzi - OUCH!
> 
> No I'm not using it to get him back. At the beginning...yes I was. But as I was reading the book and learning about marriage and doing some soul searching, I realized that I need to process what is happening, make changes in my life to make myself happy, and begin to move on with my life. I am actually a much stronger person doing the 180 technique because I'm making myself better and putting myself first. At this point, I don't even know if I would take him back if the technique actually worked and he did come back...and no I wasn't trying to cover it up. What I said in our MC session was 100% true...if he can hurt me this way and still go out and have fun with no regard to me or our daughter, then I was going to start to live my life and do things.


The 180 is for your healing and not to win ex spouse back. Heck it probably will push him further away.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*"The 180" is certainly not a technique or a remedy to be used to effect reconciliation! It is to provide you with peace of mind in your separation process! Plain and simple!*


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

If you look at numerous posts all over this site, everyone tells you to "do the 180" because it worked for them. There are other posts that say "they always come back" and so on. The technique was even written so you can try to save your marriage. So I'm not wrong for wanting my H to come to his senses and want to come back to me, but at this point in time, I don't know if I would take him back. 

GutPunch - why would it push him further? He already says he wants a separation, he already is going out with his friends multiple nights a week, he barely talks to me. Why would me giving him space and not hounding him anymore about wanting to talk about things and not trying to point out all the good things, etc be pushing him further? How much further can he be than he already is?


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *"The 180" is certainly not a technique or a remedy to be used to effect reconciliation! It is to provide you with peace of mind in your separation process! Plain and simple!*


Then why is the technique listed in "Divorce Busters" and "Divorce Remedy Program"?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Reconciliation is at best a side effect of the 180. But anyone who lists it as a method of R is sadly mistaken. Anyone on TAM who uses it as a way to get their spouse back is sadly mistaken also, and is usually corrected in short order, just as you are being. From those of us who know what it is, if we suggest 'doing the 180', it's a way for someone in pain to regain their equilibrium. 

I did a version of the 180, unknowingly, right after D day, and it sure worked for me. I realized I would be perfectly fine if my cheating husband dropped off the face of the earth, and I started enjoying my single-mom life.


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Hope - I guess I am being corrected in my thoughts. Like I said, I initially did it because I was desperate to get him back but as I was doing it, learning about myself, and watching him have no regard for me what so ever....I started to do it for myself. I started IC as well to help me move on. Like I said, if my H decides he's making a mistake and wants me back I don't know if I would take him back or not but....am I wrong in hoping he does come back so I get to make that decision?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Wrong?? I'm not going to say you're wrong for hoping. You sound like you know in your head what the 180 is for, but in your heart you're doing it to win him back.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Wrong?? I'm not going to say you're wrong for hoping. You sound like you know in your head what the 180 is for, but in your heart you're doing it to win him back.


^^ This.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*With me, I embraced "the 180" immediately after XW's abandonment of me. Her "nice" well-thought-out vernacular for it was simply called a "trial separation!" 

So some 7 months and a plethora of silence later, she called me up to dine on my a$$ about some totally unrelated issue, and having talked, she temporarily agreed to consider R ~ all for a grand total of some 10 hours, to which she then intoned that there would, in fact, be no hope of R.

Upon advice of counsel, I had her personal cell phone/texting records dug up as well as some of her FB activity, and found out that not only had she been cheating all during the separation itself, but that her cheating activity with two of her old BF's from her past had been going on, even back to when we were still domiciled as "happily married" and sleeping together in the same bed, which extended all the way back for more than a year prior to our actual separation.

In essence, I found that "the 180" is greatly to help the BS heal ~ and not to help them foster R!*


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

You have been seperated a month, only beginning to do the 180 approach. It wasnt like after a week of trying it he was going to magically come back. 

So what if he knows about the 180, he left, he wanted the separation. Is he moving on? Does anyone move on in a month? He is out having fun, so what. In its simplest form the 180 is to allow you distance, time to focus on yourself and start to prepare for life without the other. A side effect may be that the ws comes back. 

The 180 will work for you because its a tool for you to cope and learn and better yourself. He made his intentions clear with the separation. Him saying that you are trying to manipulate with the 180 is just blame deflection etc, etc. A week or a month he may want to try and reconcile. It may never happen.


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## outNabout (Mar 2, 2013)

My understanding it that "doing a 180" is about letting go of the other person instead of running after them, pleading, following them etc. You place less focus on the other person and allow them to not be 'everything' in your life. 

You decide that you are fully able and willing to move forward with your own life and that may or may not involve them in the future. 

It's a decision that you make that you've accepted that they've left, walked out, cheated, abandoned you etc. 

You decide that you can move on with your life and be complete and whole regardless of that other person. 

Its hard to do and takes time to heal. You need to take care of you. 

It's possible the other person may eventually turn around and say wait, I want to reconcile. But whether they do or don't, you carry on with your life.


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Thanks everyone. I guess I've been going about this all wrong. I thought I was doing good by getting strong, going to IC, going out and doing things for myself but maybe I need to decide whether I would take him back or not if he wanted to R and until then I won't be able to fully heal.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

I see nothing wrong with hoping that your husband changes and wants to work on your marriage.

Seems like there are two ways of handling a situation like this. Try to reason with him, beg, basically engage him in discussion of his issues with the marriage. 

Or, the 180. 

The first option is most likely going to frustrate you and prevent you from starting to heal. Also, it is almost guaranteed not to get him to work on your marriage and try to fix things.

The 180 might wake him up, that happens sometimes. Like I said, I think there's nothing wrong with hoping that it might. It's hard to give up hope.

But most importantly, as has been said by others, even if he doesn't come back, you're on the road to healing. Also, you gain a feeling of control over yourself, the situation, and your emotions. 

There is very little in situations like this that you have control over, and that is extremely frustrating. He has made a unilateral decision to make a break from you and your marriage. Stay the course on the 180 and see how things go.


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Maincourse - Thanks. I am actually very surprised by how strong I've been during this time. I'm normally the type of person that would just break down, crawl into a hole and not come out. I haven't done that. Actually....I did that at the beginning but then stopped. I think I'm doing so well because of my daughter. When I look at her I know I'll be ok. She's my everything.


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