# Is she pushing me away, or is it imagined?



## phantom (Jan 15, 2010)

Hi there

So first a little back ground I'm a 33 year old male and my fiance is 30 she has two children by a previous marriage.. We've been together for five years this year but now I'm starting to see something and I'm not sure if I'm reading it wrong or what she works days and I work nights (Till midnight) She used to get up at 6:00 and we would talk about things till it was time to get up , now that that's been pushed back to waking up at 6:20 and we head upstairs at 6:30 so we get a whole ten minutes before she gets ready we then talk on the way to her work via the cell so I guess add another ten minutes..

She used to call me at lunch time and we would talk for quite awhile but that's been cut now down to often less then ten minutes and for the last two days no call at all has come, no text no nothing .. Yesterday was because she was having a bad day at work (Which she has been having for a while now at her work) But today again nothing.. Over the past few weeks she has seemed very short and easy to anger , I've tried talking to her about things but am assured in a very pissed off tone at times that "Everything is fine!" Or she just won't talk at all...Is it me being overly sensitive here or am I justified in my wondering ? She's never been able to lie so I don't think there is something going on with anyone else although I will admit over the last couple of days I have had a lot of what if's I'm trying to keep at bay 

Grrr


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## BRK123108 (Jan 15, 2010)

Is she dealing with any other new stresses? It sounds like maybe something may be stressing her out at work which could cause her to need/want more sleep. I think everyone goes through times when they just need some time to themselves. I wouldn't take it too personal unless there is something else going on that you haven't posted. But it could just be work stress. Maybe try and do something nice for her like clean the house or give her a guilt free day at the spa or both


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## phantom (Jan 15, 2010)

Each day before I leave for work I make sure all the dishes are done, laundry is done... There are changes going on at her work that has her pretty pissed off hearing her talk about it


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Did she wake up on her own at 6am or did you wake her up? Did you ever call her at lunch, or did she always call you?

The reason I ask is because maybe she feels like she is putting more "work" into keeping you two connected. Maybe she feels like it's your turn to wake up early and talk to her or call her at lunch, kwim? 

At least you noticed. That means you are paying attention.


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## phantom (Jan 15, 2010)

She wakes up because that's when she has to start getting ready for work.. I get up before hand make coffee and just lay in bed with her ... I for my part call on each of my breaks at work just to have quick "Hi how are you, thinking of you " Calls .. When I know she's not busy with doing homework with the kids I also text her often getting one or two word answers


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

phantom said:


> She wakes up because that's when she has to start getting ready for work.. I get up before hand make coffee and just lay in bed with her ... I for my part call on each of my breaks at work just to have quick "Hi how are you, thinking of you " Calls .. When I know she's not busy with doing homework with the kids I also text her often getting one or two word answers



Maybe she's feeling smothered. Maybe she feels like you two are too close. Maybe she's bored. 

What does she do other than work and be with you and the kids? Does she have a life outside of your relationship?


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## phantom (Jan 15, 2010)

Good point , no not really the people she works with are into drugs and parties which she's not .. Her old friends are pretty much into their own thing sucks I know


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

phantom said:


> Good point , no not really the people she works with are into drugs and parties which she's not .. Her old friends are pretty much into their own thing sucks I know


I think all she needs is a change of pace. Mabye she needs to reconnect with some old friends and have dinner once a week with some girlfriends. Maybe she needs to get a hobby she likes. What did she used to like before she had children/got with you? It sounds like she's lost herself in being a working mother and fiance and resents it. 

I've been there.


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## phantom (Jan 15, 2010)

themrs said:


> I think all she needs is a change of pace. Mabye she needs to reconnect with some old friends and have dinner once a week with some girlfriends. Maybe she needs to get a hobby she likes. What did she used to like before she had children/got with you? It sounds like she's lost herself in being a working mother and fiance and resents it.
> 
> I've been there.


 Before I knew her she had one friend that she hung out with on a regular basis but that person has children of her own now, her mom lives in town and I know she loves spending time with her .. Maybe on my day off I'll offer to take the children for the day and she can chill with her mom and just have a mother daughter day


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

phantom said:


> Before I knew her she had one friend that she hung out with on a regular basis but that person has children of her own now, her mom lives in town and I know she loves spending time with her .. Maybe on my day off I'll offer to take the children for the day and she can chill with her mom and just have a mother daughter day


I think that's a good idea! Or you could give her a gift certificate to something she likes to do (or used to like to do) like get her nails done or something. 

I think she just needs time to herself. You are very thoughtful for thinking of taking the kids for the day. I wish my husband would offer that more often.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Why don't you set things up so "she" can set the pace? Meaning you call her / text her and then let her be the one to initiate the next contact. What YOU have to accept that is just because she chooses to communicate less often does not mean she does not love you. 

If she withdraws a little it seems like you become MORE clingy which is natural but super destructive. You will end up KILLING her sexual desire for you if you act like this. A certain amount of contact is critical to a relationship but if things had gotten really tense for me at work and I was sending my spouse one word answers to text messages I would expect them to respect my desires and back the hell off for a while. An emotionally clingy man is a slow motion train wreck in a marriage. 

And this isn't about being cold or indifferent or ignoring her. It is about having a good understanding of how much contact she wants and having just a little bit less then that. It keeps things interesting and passionate. And the best way to do this is to have some hobbies/friends so that you are just a bit less available/present then she would like. Get to the point where SHE is asking YOU to spend more time together. 




phantom said:


> Hi there
> 
> So first a little back ground I'm a 33 year old male and my fiance is 30 she has two children by a previous marriage.. We've been together for five years this year but now I'm starting to see something and I'm not sure if I'm reading it wrong or what she works days and I work nights (Till midnight) She used to get up at 6:00 and we would talk about things till it was time to get up , now that that's been pushed back to waking up at 6:20 and we head upstairs at 6:30 so we get a whole ten minutes before she gets ready we then talk on the way to her work via the cell so I guess add another ten minutes..
> 
> ...


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## phantom (Jan 15, 2010)

Thing that really sucks is that the way our days off work we get one day total together as a family other that that she works Monday to Friday and I work Tuesday to Saturday. She's not awake when I her home after midnight so we already have very little time to be together
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

phantom said:


> Thing that really sucks is that the way our days off work we get one day total together as a family other that that she works Monday to Friday and I work Tuesday to Saturday. She's not awake when I her home after midnight so we already have very little time to be together
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



My husband and I have similar schedules. He works nights and I work days. It is hard to spend quality time together often.

Even still, it's obvious she is feeling smothered by the frequent calls and conversations. You are going to have to give her room to miss you.


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## phantom (Jan 15, 2010)

Yeah I'll float the idea of my talking the kids on Sunday so she can do something for her. Be interesting too see what the reply is
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

How often did she initiate sex prior to this work problem?

How often now? 

How often do you? How often does she reject you?

That is the ultimate measure of how she REALLY feels about you. Sorry but it is true.



phantom said:


> Yeah I'll float the idea of my talking the kids on Sunday so she can do something for her. Be interesting too see what the reply is
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phantom (Jan 15, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> How often did she initiate sex prior to this work problem?
> 
> How often now actually she never really did but has been the last couple of times. She likes me to put the effort in, always has
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisakifttherapy (Jul 31, 2007)

Trust your instincts. Something is clearly bothering her but it's hard to know "what" and if it's got anything to do with you, her or the relationship. It must be hard to attempt to check in with her to be told everything's "fine" when it's not clearly not.

Perhaps she is overwhelmed - liked the idea of taking the kids so she can have a "me" day. Maybe she's just really stressed out. If that doesn't seem to alleviate anything, I suggest you try talking to her again. 

Something is up - the behavior is indicating it.


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## phantom (Jan 15, 2010)

Well I floated the idea of giving her a day to herself tonight her response "well see". She did text me tonight though and thanked me for cleaning up and ask I wrote this sent me a "love you" text
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phantom (Jan 15, 2010)

I'd like to thank those who responded, I took out my eldest step daughter yesterday to her bball practice and helped my fiance clean the house... We had a good night last night so perhaps, just perhaps my fears where for nothing


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

P,
If you get scared/react every time she is cold/withdrawn/not nice you will kill her desire for you. 

And by react I mean cling. If she is signaling she wants space - give her space. In fact give her enough so that she can COME TO YOU. Otherwise she will feel crowded and being crowded kills love/passion in almost any woman. JUST ASK HER in a non threatening way. 



phantom said:


> I'd like to thank those who responded, I took out my eldest step daughter yesterday to her bball practice and helped my fiance clean the house... We had a good night last night so perhaps, just perhaps my fears where for nothing


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## phantom (Jan 15, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> P,
> If you get scared/react every time she is cold/withdrawn/not nice you will kill her desire for you.
> 
> And by react I mean cling. If she is signaling she wants space - give her space. In fact give her enough so that she can COME TO YOU. Otherwise she will feel crowded and being crowded kills love/passion in almost any woman. JUST ASK HER in a non threatening way.



All good points, thank you


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