# Question about "exposing"



## hurtinginohio (Nov 18, 2014)

From everything I've been reading, everyone suggests exposing the WS. What exactly does this accomplish especially if you're trying to reconcile? I guess I'm looking at it from my point of view, that if everyone knows what's he's done and I still want to be with him that it will make me look weak and pathetic. Does that make sense? I guess it's a matter of pride for me.

If you read my post from yesterday you can see the details, but basically my husband was having an EA with a woman he met online, never in real life. He cut off all contact a week ago and we are seeking therapy to try to rebuild our marriage. I have told 2 very good friends what is going on but that's it. Maybe if it were a full on PA and he showed no remorse or intention of working it out I'd feel differently and want the world to know what an a$$ he's being.

Thoughts?


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

In general, exposure is a tool used to end the affair. If OW is married, I do recommend telling her husband. That way she's busy working damage control and doesn't have time to be playing gf to your husband.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Much of it is covered in this thread:

To expose or not to expose...that is the question.

I exposed her EA with someone online, and we are in R. There are consequences to cheating, and she had to bear it.

I believe the degree of exposure depends on your individual situation.

_"11- You have the right to out the affair to anyone you deem will help you and/or your marriage. This is not your secret to keep, *this is not your shame to hold*. You owe no protection to those that failed to protect you."_


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

I think it makes you look just the opposite. When you expose you are showing everyone you will not tolerate any bullsh¡t. It also shows you will fight for what is yours. And if things don't work out, your version of things is the first one people will hear. Less chance of you becoming the "villain"


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I agree wholeheartedly with ButtPunch. I would only add that you be prepared when you speak to the other spouse. I informed the OM's wife ad she wasn't very pleased with me. But I just threw a grenade into her world so how happy would you be? We never spoke again except about two months ago where she began calling my WW at work. I called her and politely informed her that all communication go through me. She hung up on me so, I'm going out on a limb here, I think she is still angry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hurtinginohio (Nov 18, 2014)

Thanks, this gives me something to think about.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Is he doing all the right things? 

Are you certain that he has stopped all contact?

For your piece of mind, I think exposing to the OW's spouse is a good idea.

If this was my wife, I would want to know.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

I exposed to the OWH and to his parents. I did not tell my parents because I knew it would affect their relationship forever. His parents will love him no matter what but will usually take my side in most issues (they love me!) and were a big help in this. Also, my kids are college age and they found out. That was a huge wake up call to my H. Had it been a workplace affair I would have exposed there too. Embarassment and shame are bigtime affair killers.

My H had an EA, relatively short. Had it been a long-term PA, I would have exposed to everyone in the family and social circle...and then divorced. Had he not ended the EA and worked hard on R as quickly as he did...I would have done the same.

Please trust the folks of TAM. Before I found the advice here I had done a soft confront and made the usual mistakes. Once I got here, it was so helpful. I accessed emails, texts, phone records and put the data into a document to show H (so hard to deny when the proof is staring back at you). I put a VAR in his car. I exposed. Today, I am in a successful R because of many things including the many good years prior, the fact that both H and I are working hard at it...and because I exposed.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Hurting,
It's really up to you as to how you want to deal with it. I feel exposing forces the WS to deal with fallout and to help them see that actions have consequences. I agree with thenub and fail to see how their bonehead move makes you look bad. To me it shows strength of character in that you are willing to fight for your marriage but not willing to let them skate on what they did.

It's easy to duck and run but exposure forces them to show their true character when they have to stand and face. That's just how I see it, you may not. Good luck.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

If the WS is clever enough, he or she can screw everybody in a small town and there won't be any point in exposing because they already know.


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

hurtinginohio said:


> From everything I've been reading, everyone suggests exposing the WS. What exactly does this accomplish especially if you're trying to reconcile? I guess I'm looking at it from my point of view, that if everyone knows what's he's done and I still want to be with him that it will make me look weak and pathetic. Does that make sense? I guess it's a matter of pride for me.
> 
> If you read my post from yesterday you can see the details, but basically my husband was having an EA with a woman he met online, never in real life. He cut off all contact a week ago and we are seeking therapy to try to rebuild our marriage. I have told 2 very good friends what is going on but that's it. Maybe if it were a full on PA and he showed no remorse or intention of working it out I'd feel differently and want the world to know what an a$$ he's being.
> 
> Thoughts?


*****************************************************

In my case the i outed the OM to his wife,when i found her phone and the undisputed evidence of her PA...In doing so the OM/BOSS came to me a flash drive pics of him and my WW engaged in acts she never did with me...

There is much more, but the point is i exposed everything to EVERYONE (her family as well..."at their request '') and i promise you it ENDED everything...

Affairs in THE LIGHT do not last.....

But the aftermath was what it was...the complete destruction of 2 families...

I am a better man without her,and i know i could never forgive for forget what i saw in the pics....It was over that second...I guess in retrospect it was over the moment she decided to have a PA....


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