# Are they really POSOM/OW?



## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

I was going to comment on a thread but decided to start a new one instead. It seems that BS tend to place a lot of blame on the OM/OW. Myself included. We call them POS, manipulatining, snakes, home wreckers, etc. If it weren't for these "evil" people our DS's would have never cheated on us. We call them things we would not call our spouse. I do it a lot. The say stuff like "my wife was vulnerable" or "she said the all right things" or "he's a predator" just to name a few. I think we don't acknowledge that there is usually a BS and a hurt family on the other side of things that is saying the same things about our DS. I talked and exchanged texts with the OMW a few times in my situation. It was kind of eye opening how she talked about my wife. 

See to me the OM was the user, the manipulator, and the bad person. My fWW was not bad in my mind but was taken advantage of because she was vulnerable as a result of our fragile marriage. If it weren't for this mans expert manipulation she would never have cheated. When I talked to the OMW she talked about her husband like that. My wife was much younger than him and she was using her youth and beauty to seduce him. He loved his wife but it was my wife that was chasing him. Everyone paints Thier spouse in a lot better light than the OM/OW.

My fWW also had said bad things about the OMW. Mostly that she is stupid ,fake, etc. I think she does this so she could justify the pain she caused her and her family maybe. I asked her to stop. I feel sorry for the OMW because I know what she has to go through as a BS. 

Just some random thoughts. Most people are not bad, sometimes they just do stupid selfish things. Our DS's are just as a fault as the OM/OW, probably more because they claimed to love us at some point. Nobody wins, everyone on both sides gets hurt and we are all victims in some form when affairs happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

You are on the mark. 

After I asked my my ex-WW to leave she spent every day over the next six months, and well past our divorce, sending me e-mails telling me what a piece of crap her boyfriend was... and she was living with him the whole time!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Anyone can say "He stole my wife" or "That tramp stole my boyfriend". The way I see it, nobody gets "stolen" against their will. There had to be a willingness on the WS's part to cheat.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

yes, this is a realization that usually comes about slowly through the process for us BS.

The cold harsh reality that I had to learn is that the OM didn't make any promise to me, took no vows, had no commitment to me -- only she did. And yes, that hurts enormously.


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

We probably say harsher stuff about the OM/OW because we want to say these things about our spouses but can't if we are in R or hoping to be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

dingerdad said:


> We probably say harsher stuff about the OM/OW because we want to say these things about our spouses but can't if we are in R or hoping to be.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


NOT true. I told my WW _exactly_ what I felt and thought, as I think many of us do. 
But I do think we resist (hopefully) a much stronger urge to bring the OM severe, permanent, painful harm.... I know I've resisted constantly for 8 months running...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

the big difference


most cases you have you no relationship with OM/OW prior to the affair- thus the only info you have on them is that they f'd your spouse, so it's easy peasy to cast them in the worst possible light


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

dingerdad said:


> I was going to comment on a thread but decided to start a new one instead. It seems that BS tend to place a lot of blame on the OM/OW. Myself included. We call them POS, manipulatining, snakes, home wreckers, etc. If it weren't for these "evil" people our DS's would have never cheated on us. We call them things we would not call our spouse. I do it a lot. The say stuff like "my wife was vulnerable" or "she said the all right things" or "he's a predator" just to name a few. I think we don't acknowledge that there is usually a BS and a hurt family on the other side of things that is saying the same things about our DS. I talked and exchanged texts with the OMW a few times in my situation. It was kind of eye opening how she talked about my wife.
> 
> See to me the OM was the user, the manipulator, and the bad person. My fWW was not bad in my mind but was taken advantage of because she was vulnerable as a result of our fragile marriage. If it weren't for this mans expert manipulation she would never have cheated. When I talked to the OMW she talked about her husband like that. My wife was much younger than him and she was using her youth and beauty to seduce him. He loved his wife but it was my wife that was chasing him. Everyone paints Thier spouse in a lot better light than the OM/OW.
> 
> ...


Exactly why when my wife wants to trash my AP I keep my mouth shut. She doesn't realize it but she's trashing me to cause I'm just as guilty. Sword cuts both ways.


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## MrDude (Jun 21, 2010)

Are they really POSOM/OW? Yes

I think it helps us as the BS to not completely blame our S since we are already pretty pissed at them.
It is just easier mentally somehow.

I swore I was going to ruin him, he is an officer in the Army and I wanted to take him down.

On a side note, and from personal experience, OMW is bat sheet crazy as my wife described her.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

Sorry, but I'm not buying it dingerdad. Your wife is in the same boat as the OM.

She wasn't _taken advantge of_... she had a choice, and she chose to cheat fully knowing that her actions were wrong and hurtfull.

People who cheat might be in a vulnerable state, as you put it, but what about those who are in the same position and chose NOT to cheat. This speaks volumes about character.

Both individuals here, or in any affair situation, are to blame and should held fully responsible for their choices and actions.

So yeah, in answer to you question- _they're both POS_.


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## NatashaYurino (Jan 2, 2012)

F-102 said:


> Anyone can say "He stole my wife" or "That tramp stole my boyfriend". The way I see it, nobody gets "stolen" against their will. There had to be a willingness on the WS's part to cheat.


:iagree: I have always thought this way. That's why I find it a bit weird when someone cheats (male or female) and they say they didn't want to, but the OM/OW came pretty strong. What does that mean??? I know someone may try to seduce you very intensely, but you can still say NO. If you cheat, you do so because you made a choice to. Not because they forced you. Unless you a passed out and someone has sex with you against your will.


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## NatashaYurino (Jan 2, 2012)

dingerdad said:


> We probably say harsher stuff about the OM/OW because we want to say these things about our spouses but can't if we are in R or hoping to be.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:It's a lot easier to trash someone we don't have bonds with then someone we love. MOst of the times we are just venting our anger at the OM/OW, but really that anger is because of our spouse/SO.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

No. I think its Part of the "smog". I think the reality is that we protect the object of our love and desire by projecting undue responsibility to a third party or simply away from that which we love. Thus protecting ourselves, and our own emotions (love).. It's scapegoating. It's a psychological defense response, keeps the drive to prevent uncoupling and the loss of love intact. The tendency is not only to give the bulk of the blame to the om or ow... Many LSs also claim a great deal of the responsibility personally. Anything to protect the object we love and covet. Heard the term "love can do no wrong"? Well...

Sorry if i didnt explain clearly... I understand what I'm trying to articulate but typin on this iPad is a MF
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> No. I think its Part of the "smog". I think the reality is that we protect the object of our love and desire by projecting undue responsibility to a third party or simply away from that which we love. Thus protecting ourselves, and our own emotions (love).. It's scapegoating. It's a psychological defense response, keeps the drive to prevent uncoupling and the loss of love intact. The tendency is not only to give the bulk of the blame to the om or ow... Many LSs also claim a great deal of the responsibility personally. Anything to protect the object we love and covet. Heard the term "love can do no wrong"? Well...
> 
> Sorry if i didnt explain clearly... I understand what I'm trying to articulate but typin on this iPad is a MF
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is what more what I was trying to say but you said it way better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

u blame om, and omw blames ur w... I think the truth is he deserves all the accountability for his actions against her, and your w deserves all of your anger and blame... He didn't marry you or make any promises to you and your w did... There was equal participation and they both choose to have an affair. but, they will throw each other under the bus to each spouse. the spouses will be all to willing in most cases to eat up that it was the other persons fault. Couldn't have been the person they love, must have been seduced, tricked, cohersed or something else...

I began to see this after I started coming out of my own smog... She was throwing the om under the bus and letting me think it was him chasing her and she was weak and vulnerable... And I was ready to destroy him/protect her... I was hook line and sinker... When the smog cleared, she was the equal if not more culpable party. One of those things I couldn't understand why I couldn't see... I wouldn't let myself see it.....

This is just what I figured out now that im not a mess and my head cleared.. May not of convinced me of this when I was in " save mode" 

But truth is they both suck and make me sick. He wasnt the harpy that made vows to me though. Lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The only way I'd call them a POS is if they KNEW their lover was married and still went along with it. That makes them a POS in humanity. Spouse is also a POS.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

that_girl said:


> The only way I'd call them a POS is if they KNEW their lover was married and still went along with it. That makes them a POS in humanity. Spouse is also a POS.


Nicely put. OM/OW have no moral right to damage other people. Having an affair with someone they know is married makes them a POS because they will cause great harm to the BS and the kids. So yes the OM/OW is a POS.

WW/WH is also a POS for obvious reasons.

Sometimes OM/OW will be the aggressor, sometimes WW/WH will be the aggressor. Sometimes they may both be weak and neither one is really intentionally being a predator. Still, there are no excuses for either person.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

dingerdad said:


> I was going to comment on a thread but decided to start a new one instead. It seems that BS tend to place a lot of blame on the OM/OW. Myself included. We call them POS, manipulatining, snakes, home wreckers, etc. If it weren't for these "evil" people our DS's would have never cheated on us. We call them things we would not call our spouse. I do it a lot. The say stuff like "my wife was vulnerable" or "she said the all right things" or "he's a predator" just to name a few. I think we don't acknowledge that there is usually a BS and a hurt family on the other side of things that is saying the same things about our DS. I talked and exchanged texts with the OMW a few times in my situation. It was kind of eye opening how she talked about my wife.
> 
> See to me the OM was the user, the manipulator, and the bad person. My fWW was not bad in my mind but was taken advantage of because she was vulnerable as a result of our fragile marriage. If it weren't for this mans expert manipulation she would never have cheated. When I talked to the OMW she talked about her husband like that. My wife was much younger than him and she was using her youth and beauty to seduce him. He loved his wife but it was my wife that was chasing him. Everyone paints Thier spouse in a lot better light than the OM/OW.
> 
> ...


In many cases this is a good point;not in mine. This woman was more than 2 decades younger then my H and he is not a stud. He is short, balding and has a belly. The most attractive things about him to this very young and very pretty married woman, was his sweet disposition, his saying no repeatedly, and his huge wedding ring. She did chase until she made her conquest and she continued to chase him for months after he came to his senses and told her to p*$$ off. She e-mailed, phoned and showed up at places she knew he( and sometime me too) would be, for nearly a year and a half. She tried to arrange work related rides with him through third party colleges who did not knew she was pursuing him. I have talked with her by e-mail and met her in person because of her continual intrusions into our lives. I don't know what she has told her BS, if anything. She lies, like most cheaters so I wouldn't doubt that she has told him that my H chased her, it just is not so. She is also a MC in training, and if she doesn't know the devastation her actions would cause in my life, then she is a damn poor student. I don't think she is a piece of sh**; I know for a verified certainty that she is. As MC Frank Pitman has wisely stated; wonderful people don't go after other people's mates.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

2xloser said:


> NOT true. I told my WW _exactly_ what I felt and thought, as I think many of us do.
> But I do think we resist (hopefully) a much stronger urge to bring the OM severe, permanent, painful harm.... I know I've resisted constantly for 8 months running...


Oh yeah, I wanted to grab this little beyotch by the hair and smash her face into a wall, and she gave me quite a few opportunities to do so, but unlike her, I can control myself, and I don't enjoy hurting others.


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## lou (Apr 22, 2011)

I don't absolve my STBX of any guilt at all, but that doesn't mean there can't be two guilty parties. 

She lied about her boyfriend beating her cause he wouldnt come over to see her just because she asked. I mean, come on. She even said to the NC letter "I hope we can be friends after your wife realizes I'm no threat!" No threat? REALLY?!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

The way I grew up, there's this convention or unwritten rule between guys that you don't mess around with married women. It's an invisible boundary that all men should respect. Those who over step it are considered the low of the low. So yes I do think the term fits.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

lou said:


> I don't absolve my STBX of any guilt at all, but that doesn't mean there can't be two guilty parties.
> 
> She lied about her boyfriend beating her cause he wouldnt come over to see her just because she asked. I mean, come on. She even said to the NC letter "I hope we can be friends after your wife realizes I'm no threat!" No threat? REALLY?!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There is always two guilty parties, the one who at least makes some effort to extricate themselves, however ineffectual, is somewhat less guilty, but not by much. That he did this, at least initially is the reason I,m still with him. If my H had sincerely wanted to avoid all improper conduct with this selfish harpy he would have told me about her indecent proposals, and removed himself from the situation. He did not; he put his ego above the well being of his wife and family. I'm not sure I will ever completely forgive him for that; time will tell. I know for a fact that I would not urinate on her if she were on fire. Some things are beyond forgiveness.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Some people are vulnerable to a line and some see it as the bullsh!t it is. Some people lead and others follow. I know of an extremely drunk newlywed that dropped her panties in a disco parking lot and I'm sure she did not go out that night planning on anything more than having a few drinks with her girl friends.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I do hold my guy accountable for his actions and choices. I read somewhere one cause of affairs are poor boundaries. And in this climate that male /female friendships are alright or even de rigueur, this why probably a lot of shy people who don't know how to say no get caught up in these problems. But still, if you can say no to me, you can say not to someone who (supposedly) means less to you than I do.

A lot of people like to comfort themselves in these matters by saying that the wrongdoer is "insecure", "pathetic" and oh and btw, no one likes them.

Well, the EA with my guy could boast 400 FB friends, I'm sure she knew at least a few in real life and 70 FB friends checking in to wish her a happy b-day. My guy tried to tell me that she was so insecure and she had emotional problems. So I asked, is that what you like.

I think in general, men like being able to rescue women. So in these matters, being strong and show self control can actually work against you.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

NextTimeAround said:


> I think in general, men like being able to rescue women. So in these matters, being strong and show self control can actually work against you.


The rescue thing is sort of a romantic idea, but not how it works for us. I'm a guy. It's not that we like rescuing. We instinctively sense an easy target, when we find a women attractive and know that we have an opportunity to "mate" some genetic code kicks in, it's very difficult to resist. Like I said, it's almost instinctive to pursue. Like a lion that sees a crippled impala... Much less to do will rescuing, much more along the lines of a predator / prey dynamic
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

dingerdad said:


> We probably say harsher stuff about the OM/OW because we want to say these things about our spouses but can't if we are in R or hoping to be.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In my case, my husband blames me as much, he has called me the same names he calls OM. He has the same anger, no difference really except....he really wants to harm OM, and would never physically harm me. And I think that's why is having so much difficulty even trying to forgive me.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Thor said:


> Nicely put. OM/OW have no moral right to damage other people. Having an affair with someone they know is married makes them a POS because they will cause great harm to the BS and the kids. So yes the OM/OW is a POS.
> 
> WW/WH is also a POS for obvious reasons.
> 
> Sometimes OM/OW will be the aggressor, sometimes WW/WH will be the aggressor. Sometimes they may both be weak and neither one is really intentionally being a predator.  Still, there are no excuses for either person.



:iagree:

Lieceratops told me he told Trampasaurus Wrecks from the beginning that he was married. Told him that makes her "lacking in morals, ethics and humanity. And you're (STBXH) no better!" In my estimation a decent human being would not continue pursuing anyone that told them they are married. OTH, it doesn't absolve the WS of their share of the blame and guilt.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What surprises me is how often the OM/OW gets to take a walk happily looking for another family to victimize. Just because its an inside job doesn't mean the other perp shouldn't be harshly dealt with to the absolute best of your ability and with whatever is handy.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

I couldn't care less about the guys my ex cheated with. In fact, I don't even care that she didn't want to be with me.
What burns my azz is that she was so damned greedy that rather than to just take a walk and not come back, she stayed for twenty years letting me bust my hump financing the affairs and raising two other guys' children.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

2xloser said:


> yes, this is a realization that usually comes about slowly through the process for us BS.
> 
> The cold harsh reality that I had to learn is that the OM didn't make any promise to me, took no vows, had no commitment to me -- only she did. And yes, that hurts enormously.


Well, a pickpocket didn't give you any promises not to empty your wallet either, it doesn't change the fact he's a scum. This does not lessen the responsibility on the WS, but your anger towards their AP is justified.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

The main thing IMHO---that sticks in the craw of the betrayed---is that the AP---does get to walk away clean---unless of course their spouse, if they have one, is notified

Dinger your statement that your wife pursued this guy---is the telling deal here
It is your wife who took vows with you, the children are her own flesh and blood---and she just tossed you/them all away, like a sack of garbage----It is your spouse that your beef is with

Yes the AP is scum of the lowest order---but you are just wasting your time on them----BUT FOR what your wife did, you would not even be on this website.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My experience, as someone who cheated... There's lots of people out there actively seeking affairs, of both genders. In most cases, blaming the other person for their part of the affair is useless, because if it wasn't them, it would simply be someone else. 

I'm not proud of what I've done in the past, and wish it hadn't happened. But I will not blame anyone else for my decision to cheat. Not my wife, and not my affair partners. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

oaksthorne said:


> Oh yeah, I wanted to grab this little beyotch by the hair and smash her face into a wall, and she gave me quite a few opportunities to do so, but unlike her, I can control myself, and I don't enjoy hurting others.


I remember that, she was a bunny boiler and the main suspect when your car was trashed.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I was waiting for this thread to burn for a while and then add:

Yes, they really are POS.

And I find it ridiculous when people say about scum bag cheaters " Well they were still good people and good parents." because no - they aren't. Good people don't do that crap. They make the choice not to go there. They aren't good parents either because good parents set an example for their children instead of choosing to be selfish cheats.

So yes, they really are POS.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Yes, they are Slvtty McSlvtbucket's. No good POS's.


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