# Dealing with a selfish partner



## BrownLady8535 (Jan 20, 2021)

I am far away from my hometown and haven't seen my family in almost a year. After a ton of reassurance from my husband, we decided to make plans to go see my parents. My father is 80 and my mother in her 60s. I have struggled with anxiety most of my adult life and I am super nervous about going to see them. My father is a double amputee, has diabetes and high blood pressure. 

My mother-n-law tested positive for Covid on the 8th of this month. My stepson and her brother who live with her, refuse to go get tested. My husband had to pick up something from her house. I told him not to stay, just tell her to leave it outside. He said okay. 2 days later while I was sleeping he goes over his mother's house and stays for 2 hours. I feel hurt, mad, and my anxiety is through the roof! I'm suppose to see my parent's in 2 weeks! 

I text him to tell him I'm disappointed and 2 hours was way too long to stay there in a house with possibly 3 covid positive people. It was a selfish decision and not smart at all. I tell him he can sleep in the basement until he goes to get tested or I can get a hotel. He goes to the basement. 
I'm livid.

While I was at work on Sunday night, I calmed myself down enough to think maybe I could discuss this with him and explain to him why this is problematic. I come home in the morning and notice that the bed looks slept on. Now I'm angry again. He tells me that yes he slept in the bed and he doesn't get how any of this is selfish. 

My mind is blown. He doesn't see how this is putting my life at risk, and putting the well needed trip to go see my parent's in jeopardy. My first time yelling and screaming at him in all the 10yrs we've been knowing each other. I explained it to him and told him I was done. I will be gone in 6 months. 

I'm going to get tested Thursday and I'm scared. I'm terrified. What if I am positive and I can't see my parents. What if my 80yr father passes while I'm quarantining? If I'm negative, I don't know how to forgive my husband. How could he be so selfish when he says he loves me? How could he prey on my anxiety. I can't believe he said "I don't see how that's selfish" Did those words really come out of his mouth? It's been 5 days of crying and crazy feelings of anxiety. Trying to breathe my way through anxiety attacks. I've been angry. This is out of character for me. I never cuss, I never yell, and I'm hardly angry. 
I don't see me getting over this and I want to leave. Am I being unreasonable?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Well he was very foolish of course and I would have been very annoyed as well, especially with the up coming trip, but maybe your reaction has been slightly over the top with multiple panic attacks, constant crying and wanting a divorce? After all if you had to delay your trip by a couple of weeks or so would that be the end of the world? Is your dad that ill that he wont last a few more weeks?
If you test negative then be thankful, if you test positive, be very thankful that you have no symptoms and rearrange the trip.


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## BrownLady8535 (Jan 20, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Well he was very foolish of course and I would have been very annoyed as well, especially with the up coming trip, but maybe your reaction has been slightly over the top with multiple panic attacks, constant crying and wanting a divorce? After all if you had to delay your trip by a couple of weeks or so would that be the end of the world? Is your dad that ill that he wont last a few more weeks?
> If you test negative then be thankful, if you test positive, be very thankful that you have no symptoms and rearrange the trip.


I'm thinking about the what ifs and the principle of it all. ...and the fact that he doesn't recognize his own selfishness. I don't see how I could be with a person like that doesn't think about anyone but themselves. I have a no tolerance for stuff like this.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

QUOTE="BrownLady8535, post: 20240673, member: 347972"]
I'm thinking about the what ifs and the principle of it all. ...and the fact that he doesn't recognize his own selfishness. I don't see how I could be with a person like that doesn't think about anyone but themselves. I have a no tolerance for stuff like this.
[/QUOTE]
Is he usually selfish?


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I understand how things like risk to your family can be a big trigger. I flipped my lid when I found out a friend who dropped by lived with someone they were caring for with covid and hadn't got a test. To have your partner do it while you're asleep is frustrating I agree. I agree it's selfish, I'm just not sure how much of a huge deal you should make given that you haven't been to see your folks yet. Could your anxiety be playing a part in the magnitude of your reaction? 5 days of crying seems like you may have overreacted? Of course he owes you an apology but if he is not otherwise selfish, I do wonder if this is just a misstep on his part and stubborness that is causing him not to say he's sorry and try and bury the hatchet.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

BrownLady8535 said:


> I am far away from my hometown and haven't seen my family in almost a year. After a ton of reassurance from my husband, we decided to make plans to go see my parents. My father is 80 and my mother in her 60s. I have struggled with anxiety most of my adult life and I am super nervous about going to see them. My father is a double amputee, has diabetes and high blood pressure.
> 
> My mother-n-law tested positive for Covid on the 8th of this month. My stepson and her brother who live with her, refuse to go get tested. My husband had to pick up something from her house. I told him not to stay, just tell her to leave it outside. He said okay. 2 days later while I was sleeping he goes over his mother's house and stays for 2 hours. I feel hurt, mad, and my anxiety is through the roof! I'm suppose to see my parent's in 2 weeks!
> 
> ...


Is this the first time your husband has done something like this? It was incredibly selfish and he is an ass for doing it, but it is important to know if it's a one-off or not. Sometimes anxiety does blow things out of proportion, so it's hard to say if divorce over this is an overreaction or just the final straw.

It's possible that your husband is just stubborn or that he actually feels like crap but can't own up to it. Or he could just be an ass or an idiot. 

You should figure out a plan with your parents. It might start calming your anxieties a bit. Decide whether you are going to see them as planned or postpone the visit slightly. 

Do you have other techniques to calm your anxiety? Deep breathing is good but it sounds like you need more techniques or help. When you are able to calm down a bit, it would be a good idea to talk to your husband about _why_ you're feeling the way you are. Don't accuse him of things, just explain yourself and your feelings without making him defensive. Look up "I feel" statements and how to use them. If you cannot have the conversation with him, it's okay to write it down and give it to him. Then give him some time to read and process.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you want to end the relationship over this, that’s up to you. I agree he was inconsiderate (and clueless) but your reaction seems a little much as well. If seeing your parents isn’t an emergency, would waiting a bit longer to go help with your fear?


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