# Would you stay or would you go?



## ConfusedGuy82 (Nov 18, 2011)

Full disclosure - I am a gay man. I know some of you don't approve of that, but I didn't come here for a debate on homosexuality, so if you can't put that aside, please move on to the next thread. My partner and I have been together for 5 years and basically have lived together like a married couple for the past 3.5 years. For the last 3 years, he has wanted little to do with intimacy in any way. We never had a great sexual connection, but it was like one day he just decided for himself that part of our relationship was done. For those of you familiar with the "Five Love Language" books, my love language is "physical touch", so you can imagine how much this bothers me. We are intimate, on average, once every 6 weeks. There have been dry spells lasting months, however. It has been nearly 2 months since we were last intimate. It makes me incredibly mad that when we are intimate, it is always on HIS terms. When I attempt to initiate, I am re-buffed 95% of the time, so I gave up long ago. I have sat him down and had serious conversations multiple times over the last 3 years telling him how much the lack of intimacy between us bothers me, but little changes. When I threatened to move out this past fall, he increased how often he told me he loved me and increased hugs and pecks on the mouth, but that just isn't enough for me. I get hugs and pecks on the mouth from my Grandma...I expect a little more than that from my partner. As each day goes by, I find the lack of cuddling, making out, and other forms of intimacy increasing intolerable. It makes me resent him and act *****y toward him, which likely makes him want to be intimate with me even less. It's a vicious cycle. It seems for whatever reason, he is unwilling or unable to offer these things to me. I feel like I have a roommate, not a boyfriend and I think about leaving all the time. Have you (or someone you know) left a relationship or marriage not because your partner was abusive or lazy or a cheater, but because even though the person was your best friend in the world, there were just no romantic feelings anymore? He's my best friend and maybe if I were older (I'm only 29) that would be enough for me, but at this stage in my life, it's just not. I would really appreciate feedback from people who have been in similar circumstances. I'm sure many of you will suggest joint counseling. I myself have done IC and it was helpful to see that my expectations are not outlandish (as he has told me they are), however it had really no benefit to our relationship without him being there...so I stopped going. I suggested we try counseling together and he scoffed at the idea. He basically said he doesn't think there is anything wrong. In his his mind, I really do think he believes everything is just wonderful as the relationship is fulfilling what his needs are. Also, he had his testosterone level checked last month at my request and it's normal.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think most of us aren't living with a good friend or roommate because we wanted something "more". At least part of that "more" is an intimate relationship.

And your partner is dead wrong. If one of the two people in a relationship thinks there's a problem in the relationship, then there's a problem in it.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If he isn't meeting your needs and isn't willing to meet them then you have two choices: tolerate it or dump him.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Personally, I'd leave. Well, I did leave someone for similar reasons years ago.

Is it easy for you to go? Do you think he's seeing other people? What are his reasons for being this way?


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## ConfusedGuy82 (Nov 18, 2011)

Jellybeans -

Yeah, I suppose it really is that simple, but I still struggle with what to do. I think if I knew that I could leave without him hating me and he could go on and have a good life with someone else, my decision would be much easier. Even though I resent him at times for not wanting to be intimate with me, I don’t hate him. Does that make any sense?


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## SYC (Feb 29, 2012)

I'm not sure how similar my situation is, but it does have some similarities. I am also 29 years old and my marriage counselor said affectionate is needed just as much as intimacy and sex. If he is not providing that anymore or is refusing to be intimate, than those are grounds for separation. Denying the intimacy from the partner can cause more pain and suffering than verbal abuse, because the feeling of rejection and denial can cause many other problems.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

ConfusedGuy82 said:


> Jellybeans -
> 
> Yeah, I suppose it really is that simple, but I still struggle with what to do. I think if I knew that I could leave without him hating me and he could go on and have a good life with someone else, my decision would be much easier. Even though I resent him at times for not wanting to be intimate with me, I don’t hate him. Does that make any sense?


You are very codependent.

You care about his needs and not your own. He doesn't really care about your needs...Why don't you?


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## ConfusedGuy82 (Nov 18, 2011)

That Girl - 

Are you asking if it easy for me to leave financially or emotionally? Financially? Yes and no. We foolishly bought a house together after only a year together. The mortgage is only in his name, but it it titled in both our names. I would be the one to leave. I have a lot of money wrapped up in improvements we made to the house, so that is a concern. He doesn’t really like the house anymore or the part of town it’s in, so I don’t think he’ll want to live there forever. The house cannot be sold without my signature (as I am on title) so he will have to work out something with me at that time. Both vehicles are titled in both our names. That will be kinda messy. Not sure how we would work that out. I make enough money to support myself alone and a relative offered to let me rent from her for a nominal amount for a while. Emotionally? I think I’m almost ready. It will be hard for a while, but I am confident I can move on. 

What are his reasons for being this way? I’m not entirely certain. He is not very good at expressing his feelings. When we have fights or disagreements, he pretty much barely speaks. He has issues with intimacy for sure…but I don’t think he can even explain why. He once told me that he is uncomfortable being intimate with someone else. He said he would almost rather “take care of business” by himself, if you catch my drift. I thought he just didn’t have a libido. Turns out, he takes care of himself almost daily when I’m not around. I asked him if he was ever abused sexually. He said he has not been. 

I think we just have different views of what a relationship and different expectations of what we expect from it. I think he wants someone to help with living expenses and someone to help with household duties and responsibilities. I think he gets comfort and enjoyment just from me being in the room with him and that’s enough for him. To me, that’s the description of a roommate and that’s not what I want. You asked if I suspect he’s cheating. I have never thought for a moment he is. He doesn’t have the desire or the time.


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## ConfusedGuy82 (Nov 18, 2011)

That Girl -

I have always put the feelings and priorities of others above my own. I can't really tell you why. That was a theme that my Counselor caught as well.


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## ConfusedGuy82 (Nov 18, 2011)

Hey SYC,

So that we don't muddy the waters with our different issues, you should start a new thread with what you just posted.


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## SYC (Feb 29, 2012)

Sorry I didn't know, my first time on here, and didn't know how.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Well if you know that you guys don't have a good sexual connection and never did, it probably does not stem from how he feels about you...that being said the fact that he scoffs at your needs and says that they are out there shows that he doesn't respect you like he should....

My verdict is that if he isn't willing to work on it with you, there's nothing that you could do other than stay and see how things play themselves out, or leave, which you would be justified in doing as he is not willing to meet you halfway it seems...


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## ConfusedGuy82 (Nov 18, 2011)

GreenEyes -

He literally told me what I want is a “fairy tale” and not realistic of a 5 year old relationship. Apparently wanting to be intimate with your partner, wanting to kiss, cuddle, hold hands, etc. is a fairly tale. Wow! I told him flat out a few months ago that in order for me to want to stay in our relationship, I need sex at least once a week, more cuddling, more making out…just more intimacy in general. You would think that would be a wake up call for him and he would act on those requests if he wanted to keep me around (because I’m not terrible to look at and these are things he should want to do anyway). None of those things have happened with any greater frequency than they had before. :-/


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ConfusedGuy82 said:


> Jellybeans -
> 
> Yeah, I suppose it really is that simple, but I still struggle with what to do. I think if I knew that I could leave without him hating me and he could go on and have a good life with someone else, my decision would be much easier. Even though I resent him at times for not wanting to be intimate with me, I don’t hate him. Does that make any sense?


Yes, that makes sense. It's hard to imagine coming undone from someone that you love, no matter the circumstances. It's hard. And yes, it is really taht simple but once you throw emotions into it, it seems a little more complicated.

Thing is, you aren't happy with the status quo. If he won't help change that, then you need to decide what you want for yourself.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

ConfusedGuy82 said:


> Full disclosure - I am a gay man. I know some of you don't approve of that, but I didn't come here for a debate on homosexuality, so if you can't put that aside, please move on to the next thread. My partner and I have been together for 5 years and basically have lived together like a married couple for the past 3.5 years. For the last 3 years, he has wanted little to do with intimacy in any way. We never had a great sexual connection, but it was like one day he just decided for himself that part of our relationship was done. For those of you familiar with the "Five Love Language" books, my love language is "physical touch", so you can imagine how much this bothers me. We are intimate, on average, once every 6 weeks. There have been dry spells lasting months, however. It has been nearly 2 months since we were last intimate. It makes me incredibly mad that when we are intimate, it is always on HIS terms. When I attempt to initiate, I am re-buffed 95% of the time, so I gave up long ago. I have sat him down and had serious conversations multiple times over the last 3 years telling him how much the lack of intimacy between us bothers me, but little changes. When I threatened to move out this past fall, he increased how often he told me he loved me and increased hugs and pecks on the mouth, but that just isn't enough for me. I get hugs and pecks on the mouth from my Grandma...I expect a little more than that from my partner. As each day goes by, I find the lack of cuddling, making out, and other forms of intimacy increasing intolerable. It makes me resent him and act *****y toward him, which likely makes him want to be intimate with me even less. It's a vicious cycle. It seems for whatever reason, he is unwilling or unable to offer these things to me. I feel like I have a roommate, not a boyfriend and I think about leaving all the time. Have you (or someone you know) left a relationship or marriage not because your partner was abusive or lazy or a cheater, but because even though the person was your best friend in the world, there were just no romantic feelings anymore? He's my best friend and maybe if I were older (I'm only 29) that would be enough for me, but at this stage in my life, it's just not. I would really appreciate feedback from people who have been in similar circumstances. I'm sure many of you will suggest joint counseling. I myself have done IC and it was helpful to see that my expectations are not outlandish (as he has told me they are). He scoffed at the idea of joint counseling. He doesn't think there is anything wrong. Also, he had his testosterone level checked last month at my request and it's normal.


That, my friend, IS abusive.
I think since you have done IC and he will not do that or joint counseling, and given your age and the length of the relationship and what he has stated about his limitations, and that you can get what you're getting in the way of affection elsewhere (from Grandma without the scoffing!) it is probably time to go. Whether you want to do this on a trial basis or permanent is debatable. Probably I would see it as a way of gathering more information about the relationship, whether it will effect change. In parenting, they say don't make threats you won't carry out. If you don't move out, then you're setting the stage for the abuse to escalate.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

ConfusedGuy82 said:


> GreenEyes -
> 
> He literally told me what I want is a “fairy tale” and not realistic of a 5 year old relationship. Apparently wanting to be intimate with your partner, wanting to kiss, cuddle, hold hands, etc. is a fairly tale. Wow! I told him flat out a few months ago that in order for me to want to stay in our relationship, I need sex at least once a week, more cuddling, more making out…just more intimacy in general. You would think that would be a wake up call for him and he would act on those requests if he wanted to keep me around (because I’m not terrible to look at and these are things he should want to do anyway). None of those things have happened with any greater frequency than they had before. :-/


:rofl::rofl: A fairy tale????? Sometimes when my husband says stuff like that to me I say wow it must suck to have someone that loves you and wants you still as bad as I do after all this time...Like seriously I don't understand what is so fairy tale about that at all, I think it's a pretty reasonable request....

Is he like a sexually awkward person, like does he get uncomfortable in sexual situations easily??? Because I suppose that could explain it a little bit....


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## ConfusedGuy82 (Nov 18, 2011)

GreenEyes -

Yes, I would definitely say my bf is sexually awkward and definitely a prude.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

ConfusedGuy82 said:


> GreenEyes -
> 
> Yes, I would definitely say my bf is sexually awkward and definitely a prude.


Ok....that's hard to deal with because that would mean his views/thoughts on sex wouldn't relate with his feelings for you.....but that doesn't mean that if you guys can't find a happy medium you should stay miserable, I mean I say work on it as much as possible, but there is only so much you can do if he's not willing/responding.....

Maybe take the opposite approach and you stop putting so much emphasis on sex and see if that makes any changes in him(???)


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## ConfusedGuy82 (Nov 18, 2011)

GreenEyes -

I agree his lack of desire for intimacy with me likely has no reflection on what his feelings are for me...but it doesn't make it any less unpleasant for me. 

As far as not putting so much emphasis on sex, I have tried that. I got tired of initiating and being rejected, so I just stopped "going there"...then one day I realized that it had been 6 months since we had been intimate. I had it out with my bf that day and told him enough was enough. We were intimate that night, however, it was weeks before it happened again. 

To be clear, the lack of intimacy is not my only issue with him.

1) He is like an old person (and he's only 29). He never goes anywhere. He never does anything except go to work. He has a couple friends but he doesn't ever do anything with them. Half the time he won't even answer the phone when they call. He never has any energy. After work, he is totally wiped. He goes to bed at 9:30 PM (even on weekends most of the time). He will rarely go to a bar with me and he resents me going with my friends without him. I realize not having energy and not wanting to do anything are classic signs of depression and I have pointed that out to him. He does not deny that he may have depression, but he refuses to do anything about it. 

2) He can be controlling. I feel like he schedules my nights and weekends and if I don't bow down to what he wants, life isn't pleasant. Sometimes he will "brow beat" me until I give in when I at first do not agree to something he wants to do.

3) He doesn't recognize a relationship is a partnership and some decisions require both partners to "turn their key" before moving forward. He has quit jobs, initiated a re-finance of our home, changed our home and auto insurance companies, and co-signed on a loan for his brother without first consulting with me. He does this crap all the time and he doesn't understand why I get mad.

4) He doesn't take as much care in his appearance as I would like. Sometimes he will go days without showering. Yuck! He's a bit of a wooly mammoth and he doesn't manscape nearly as often as he used to. At best, he brushes his teeth once a day...sometimes not at all. He has gained a bit of a belly since we met. He has a gym membership but he rarely goes. He claims he doesn't have the time...but yet does have time to watch tv. 

That's just a short synopsis. I could go on...


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Well, any prejudices or preconceptions people might have about gay men, you've pretty much addressed all of them here. 

I would say you could move on, with or without guilt. If you end up with guilt, just address it as you would any other problem. It doesn't sound like moving out will hurt him any more as staying will hurt you. In a 'draw' situation, hedge on your side. Moving in with a relative isn't the end of the world. It's a trial run to see how you feel when you are not responsible for his feelings. Take a vacation from that. Do 'you' for a few months, see how that goes.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Yeah it sounds like he has some sort of depression or something, but if he isn't willing to do anything about it there is really nothing that you can do, which sucks, I know.....

You have listed many good reasons in your last post that would warrant you leaving....I just don't think that if you stay, and he remains unwilling to make changes and get help, that you will ever be happy....


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## ConfusedGuy82 (Nov 18, 2011)

I don’t want to offend anyone’s sensibilities, so I will just say that we were finally intimate yesterday after a 2 month dry spell. It wasn’t all that great to be honest. As always, it seemed to be more about him getting off than “making love”. There was little foreplay…there wasn’t even much kissing. He said that he is finally going to commit to improving his libido. He has an appt in two weeks to talk to a urologist about ED issues he has been having lately and is willing to make an appt to talk to a counselor about possible issues with anxiety and depression (which in my mind are definite issues, not possible issues). I am glad to hear that he finally wants to do this, but it was bittersweet news. I feel like after 3 out of the 5 years of our relationship being without passion or intimacy (for the most part), I have divested myself from the relationship and really don’t have it in me to be the support he needs if he actually does follow through with what he says. I just have little doubt that the passion and intimacy in our relationship can ever be what I want. I just don't think it's in him. I almost wish he hadn’t made this overture at all, because it makes it even harder to leave (and makes me feel like a bad person for not wanting to see him through this). I just have a lot of resentment and anger over expressing my concerns over the last 3 years about these issues and those concerns being met with irritation, indignation, and resistance rather than understanding and cooperation. I feel it’s too little, too late and the ship may have already sailed. I'm not happy with him on multiple levels, but he's a good person and I don't want to break heart and ruin his life. I wish there were an easy answer. Ugh.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I'm not trying to be funny at a when I say this. But are you sure he's 100% gay? I know usually it's the other way around with a straight person realizing they are bi or gay but it could happen. I'm thinking of the movie Kissing Jessica Stein where she started dating women out of frustration and ended up in a relationship where she didn't want to have sex with her gf anymore. Ok it's just a movie. It just seems odd to me that a gay man doesn't express his feelings, care about how he looks, or want to have gay sex. Again it's all stereotypes I know but something just seems not right to me. 
You deserve more than to be with someone like this. It seems like he's diminishing you because he's unhappy with his life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Oh and I felt the same way about my ex husband:didn't want to hurt him or ruin his life. He started sleeping with my matron of honor a few months after we separated and three years later they're still
together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConfusedGuy82 (Nov 18, 2011)

Haha yes, I am sure he is gay. If you don't mind me asking, what issues were you and your husband having that made you want to leave?


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

ConfusedGuy82 said:


> I don’t want to offend anyone’s sensibilities, so I will just say that we were finally intimate yesterday after a 2 month dry spell. It wasn’t all that great to be honest. As always, it seemed to be more about him getting off than “making love”. There was little foreplay…there wasn’t even much kissing. He said that he is finally going to commit to improving his libido. He has an appt in two weeks to talk to a urologist about ED issues he has been having lately and is willing to make an appt to talk to a counselor about possible issues with anxiety and depression (which in my mind are definite issues, not possible issues). I am glad to hear that he finally wants to do this, but it was bittersweet news. I feel like after 3 out of the 5 years of our relationship being without passion or intimacy (for the most part), I have divested myself from the relationship and really don’t have it in me to be the support he needs if he actually does follow through with what he says. I just have little doubt that the passion and intimacy in our relationship can ever be what I want. I just don't think it's in him. I almost wish he hadn’t made this overture at all, because it makes it even harder to leave (and makes me feel like a bad person for not wanting to see him through this). I just have a lot of resentment and anger over expressing my concerns over the last 3 years about these issues and those concerns being met with irritation, indignation, and resistance rather than understanding and cooperation. I feel it’s too little, too late and the ship may have already sailed. I'm not happy with him on multiple levels, but he's a good person and I don't want to break heart and ruin his life. I wish there were an easy answer. Ugh.




Well maybe if you start to see more of an effort on his part, you will begin to get those old feelings back....Relationships are the hardest "jobs" that we will ever have and they take constant work and have many ups and downs....The true test of a relatioship is if both are willing to stick it out through the ups and downs and be there for each other. 

I think it's awesome that he is acknowledging that he has a problem and is willing to get help. I also think it's perfectly normal for you to not get excited about it and still harbor some resentment toward him for the past 3 years. But with dedication to each other and with the help that he is going to get, I think you could eventually get back to a good place....


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## ConfusedGuy82 (Nov 18, 2011)

I agree that it's encouraging he's finally willing to admit he has a problem and needs help. His appt with the urologist to discuss his ED issues is next week. If the doctor thinks his problems are more mental than physical (I think they are), he says the next step is talking to a therapist.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

ConfusedGuy82 said:


> I agree that it's encouraging he's finally willing to admit he has a problem and needs help. His appt with the urologist to discuss his ED issues is next week. If the doctor thinks his problems are more mental than physical (I think they are), he says the next step is talking to a therapist.


Good  I mean in the end you could still end up feeling the same way, and just not be feeling it, but it is a huge step for him in the right direction!! Good luck, keep us posted


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