# Payback would be a mother...... UPDATE



## Oriana (Jun 22, 2012)

I am in desperate need of help. I have been married for 18 years to a wonderful man...so I thought. We have 2 children (girls) (17 and 10). I have had some feelings about my husband cheating on me. I asked him a couple of times (he said no of course). After trying to make sense of it all, I prayed to GOD to reveal everything. 

That prayer was on February 27th and on March 1st, he did admit that he cheated on me. It's weird how I found out. I had called him and ask that he stop by the ATM to bring our daughter some lunch money home. When the phone rang, someone picked up and thenI started to hear all of the yelling in the background. A female voice. She was very angry and I could hear as if they both were struggling to get the phone. Well, he TOUGHT he hung the phone up. But like I always say....DUMB PEOPLE SHOULD NOT HAVE SMARTPHONES!!!!! 

He thought he hung the phone up but instead the volume increased on the phone. I could hear everything said between the them. I waited until his cell phone became clear and called him back to let him know that I hear the ENTIRE conversation. He did not answer the phone but I left him a very ugly message. Of course when he came home he tried to pick a fight with me. I told him, that will not work, I know the truth and no matter what lie you try to come up with, it will not work anymoe. I KNOW THE TRUTH!!!

That's when he told me that he cheated on me. BUT GET THIS....He said he cheated on me 4 years ago....WOW!!!! I said if you cheated on me 4 years ago, who was that heffer on the line? OH, I was picking up the pictures at a store and you heard me talking to the cashier!!!! Seriously...talking to the cashier.... ok. So, I asked him, do you think I am that stupid? You were talking to your girlfriend, and ladies, we all know that if another female calls your husbands cell phone and you do not recognize the name and number...OH we are going to get Sherlock Holmes on your [email protected]@ real quick!!!!

Anyway, he proceeded to tell me about the encounter that happened 4 years ago. Truthfully, I did not believe it. He has already proven that he is a liar. I asked him, do you love her, did you talk about us? He said no. I don't believe that either!!! Anyway, this is where it gets real UGLY. I asked him to describe how she looked. He did. He told me that he has felt guilty ever since and wanted to come clean but was scared that I would take the kids and leave him at the time. 

Needless to say I was angry. He asked me if I was going to leave, I said no. I am not going to up root my life and the kids. BUT stay away from me. I told him that he was a liar and the sight of him made me want to vomit.

Fast forward to about 2 weeks ago. My husband and I had an argument about whether or not to try to save our marriage. He said very loud...I can't believe that you are still bringing that up. I told you I was sorry, it happended 4 years ago, let it go!!! Really...Let it go? I said you want to have sex with me but you are not seeing it from my end. You gave another woman something that I tought was special between us. I have to get pass the mental picture of the both of you having sex. If the shoe was on the other foot, we would not be even having this conversation, as you would already left me and the kids!!!!! At that point he left me alone.

A little while later my oldest daughter came downstairs and said Mom, I have something to tell you. I said what is it. She said dad is lying to you. I said lying about what. She said i was listening to your whole conversation and I need to let you know something. I said ok. She said when I was about 7 or 8, I asked dad to use his cell phone and he let me. I was taking picutes of myself and I ran across some videos on his phone. I opened them up and it was a video of dad having sex with another woman. I said WHAT?!?!?! She said, yes. I held this for so long, but now you need to know. I did not want to tell you then because I was confused. I said do you remember what she looked like? She described the same woman that my husband had that night when we talked.

Now, I have NEVER told my oldest daughter about what was going on. So, he must have been seeing this woman for a long time during our marriage. I am very hurt and really devestated for my daughter. Now I know why she always leave the room WHENEVER he came home. My daughter is now in counseling and so am I.

I told my husband about what my oldest daughter told me (she told me to tell him because she was tired of his lies) and he called her a liar. I asked what does she have to gain with telling me that story, why would she make something up like that? He still said that she was lying.

I am totally hurt by all of this. I can no longer look at my husband the same. I do not trust him and I am borderline starting to hate him. I have already looked at and obtained approval for another place. My husband has been trying non-stop to save our marriage. 
Once a cheat always a cheat, correct? How do I get over this? I am afraid that if I try to save our marriage, I will be right back on the forum again.

OH, I also wanted to mention that my husband no longer has that cell phone. He now has a company issued cell phone that bills directly to the company. He ALWAYS keep that cell phone on him and keep it password protected. I joked to him once that, you must keep that cell phone taped to your thigh!!!! 

I told him that if he wanted me to start trusting him again, that I would like to see his cell phone when I ask, just to see what he would say. He said NO! That's juvenile. I told him that if he wanted to save our marriage, he would not have a problem with any requests. I told him that people with nothing to hide...hide nothing. I am not sure what to believe anymore.

To make matters worse, his fine [email protected]@ brother has been coming onto me for years!!!! I have not told my husband, but I wonder if I should act on it? I have NEVER cheated on my husband, but, Payback would be a mother******

Sorry my email is so long, but I needed to vet!!! Have to leave to clear my head for a while. I will check back later. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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Well, it's been about 6 months since discovery. The place that I thought I had fell though. I have been with living with my husband. I thought that maybe GOD was trying to give me a sign. After praying almost everyday, nothing has changed.

My husband refuses to discuss what happened. He said that an apology is enough. He feels that he should not suffer for his actions. I asked him to go to counseling with me, he flat out refuses. My daughter has been a couple of times and she told me that she does feel alot better. I have been too. It does help alot to talk. I feel that the person that I really should be talking to should go. 

I told him that since the place fell through and he wanted to work on our marriage, we should use the time to try to work on our marriage. He agreed. Nothing has changed. We now sleep in separate rooms (me in the bedroom - him in the basement). I even asked him that even though I let him know that my feelings have changed for him and that I am not happy, would he stay married to me? He said YES!!! WTF?!?! At that point, I knew that he only cared for himself and what I can do for him. 

He does not care how much he has hurt me because he was not on the other side of the bull. I have asked a couple of folks (family friends) that I know, who have been through this, what should I do. They said to try to work it out. Why??? For the kids sake. OK, let's talk about the kids. My oldest daughter still has her bag packed from the last time. She told me that she did not want to unpack because it would take to long for her to gather up her things. She has been ready to go. My youngest daughter just only knows that her parents are not getting along.

OH, and the cell phone is still off limits...charged up at night UNDERNEATH the couch where he is sleeping and stay on vibrate. I told him that if he wanted me to trust him, that I should be able to look at any and everthing he has. He still refuses. I even...dare i say it...tried to have sex with him a couple of times. Worst mistake of my life!!!! Although it did help me finally realize that I now feel nothing for my husband. I am only there physically. I am hurt beyond words as i want to love my husband but he has killed all the love that I have for him. 

Even though it has only been 6 months, my same friends are telling me to give it more time. My question is, am I being unrealistic about my husband and my marriage? Again, any advice would be appreciated.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

So what is your plan going forward? You really do not expect that he has stopped cheating right? If i were you I would kick his arse OUT and file for a D, he is unrepentant and could care less about you or his kids. Sounds kinda narcissistic if you ask me! If you are hell bent on staying with him, 180 his butt and do absolutely NOTHING for him or with him, only for you and the kids. Time to take care of what is important, you and kids! Also DO NOT HAVE A REVENGE AFFAIR!! There are some members on this board (Mattmatt) that can tell you first hand that they DO NOT HELP AT ALL and will make things worse then before. Good luck and continue to come back to this board for emotional support.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

and another thing what is up with his low-life brother?!?! stay away from him, he does NOT have your best interest at heart. Ask yourself what the heck kind of man is he that he is hitting on his brothers wife, regardless if his brother is a cheating scum.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Oriana said:


> Even though it has only been 6 months, my same friends are telling me to give it more time. My question is, am I being unrealistic about my husband and my marriage? Again, any advice would be appreciated.


Your friends are morons and yes you are wasting your time, nothing is going to change.


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## Oriana (Jun 22, 2012)

Thanks for your advice. I am not going to have a revenge affair. Can you imagine if I did? What would my daughters think of me? My mother slept with my uncle...Now that would be some Jerry Springer Stuff...No. I will not cheat on my husband. I would leave first. i am slowly realizing that my marriage is over. How do i move on?


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## Oriana (Jun 22, 2012)

Sadly, I agree.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

A marriage only works if both partners are working to make it work. That's not the case in this situation. He's hanging around for (finances), (b) convenience or (c) appearances, none of which are reason for you to keep him there.


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## karval2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

I agree that revenge would be just making things worse. And I mean conscience here. you would do worse only to yourself. And with this to your daughters as well... He would get over it with ease,a s far as I can imagine...
As my life understanding tells me, at first place, everybody should be living with clean conscience. This means - to do everything you can, to give everything you can no matter what. To do the best and even more.
And if you fail then - you are free to change things. But not earlier. You will never regret, because of you will always now, you did EVERYTHING you could. 

Regarding to your story..... As far as I can decide, he lied, he lies and he will continue to lie....  That man has no respect, has no love, only thinks about himself. He even dares to say his daughter lies?! It is so ugly.... What an egoistic character.


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## Oriana (Jun 22, 2012)

Hey Chris Taylor.

I think...no, I know that you are correct. My husband is the type of person that has to have all the attention. Look at me, me, me. I thought about the same thing. He does not want people to know what is happening. But when the stuff finally hits the fan, what will he do. What would you do in a situation like this?


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## Oriana (Jun 22, 2012)

Hey Karval...how about this for ego...He even said this to me...AFTER I caught him cheating....and I quote, IF YOU EVER CHEAT ON ME, YOU BETTER NOT LET ME FIND OUT!!! WTF??? So, it ok for him to cheat, but not me. I guess the double standard still exists. But, I will not cheat on him. Not because of what he said, but because I have to much respect for myself. Plus, I really don't even feel like being bothered.

I will get through this. Thanks for your response.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

MAm it takes a remorseful spouse to have a marriage. It also takes him giving you full transparency (unlocked phone, passwords to all email, access to his computer, and phone records)
You didn't get the whole truth and you know it. He has no intention of telling you everything because he knows you will run off. 

I would simply go dark and start doing the 180. if you have not read the 180 it is in the newbie section. No revenge affairs you need to proceed and have him served. This woman is is side thing and he is using you. You are his safe and comfy home that he gets to go back to while he is juggling his girlfriends and trying to manage all the lies he is telling. Do not sleep with this man, do not show him any affection, you are to be cold, distant. You need to get out of the house as much as possible and go work out and find a hobby. Get dressed up and go have fun with your girlfriends. STop asking him about the affair, stop chasing him around the house, stop asking him how is day was. Stop making him meals , stop doing his laundry, and from this point out treat him as a bad college roomate who you are stuck with. Don't answer the phone, do reply to texts, don't say I love you, Don't say I hate you, do not respond with emotion stay calm and cool. Show him that you are no longer his and that you don't need him for support. GEt a job and get back on your feet asap. GEt to a lawyer as soon as you can and have him served. 
Don't break the 180 until he comes crawling back to you willing to do whatever it takes to save the marriage. If he doesn't you live the 180 until you find someone that isn't a lying cheating scumbag. Then you get to be the happy carfree you while your STBXH has to find a new wife that will put up with all of his cheating.


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## karval2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

ha ha, what a familiar situation....
My wife is sooooo jealous person! She is soooooo suspicious, she is histerical about it.
And, whats the funny part, I have not even had a smallest thought about cheating, ever.
All I can say there - everybody is making decisions based on his behaviour. If my wife cheats, she thinks I do as well. If your husband cheats, he thinks you could... They can not understand, how it is, not to want anybody else but your married partner. They are all measuring everbody by themselves. Everybody cheats on their opinion.
Situation felt so familiar!  It made me laugh.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi Oriana sounds like you need to make a decision either Divorce or Reconcile your marriage. If you decide to divorce i would separate finances and open a separate bank account also get off charge cards that arent yours and then file also take care of yourself do some type of exercise walking jogging riding a bike etc this will help with stress etc and take care of your kids your hubby sounds like a real winner 

Good Luck


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## Oriana (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow badbane

So you think I should leave? Just kiddin...I understand 100%. I can see what is going on. i do have a job and I am getting out of the house more. You are right, I have to STOP.....

You sound like my best friend, she told me to STOP. I should have left back then. Even when the place fell through, I should have tried to find another one. My husband has no respect for me. His idea of a marriage is to have all his needs met. I feel really stupid.

Back when we were trying to work on our marriage, I asked him for three things:

1. Spend more time with his family. His response: YOU should let me know when you want us to do something.

2. Since he said alcohol was the reason for his cheating (yeah right...) please stop drinking. It only hurts me more when you do that and it might put you in a position again to cheat. His response: You can't tell me what to do, I will drink until I go in the ground.

3. Why are you sleeping in the basement? His response: The mattress hurts my back. I said you bought the mattress. His response: Until we get a new mattress, I will not sleep upstairs. My response: I am not buying a new mattress and I no longer care if we sleep in the same bed.

He also told me that he realizes that he made a mistake and why I can just leave it alone. He already apologized that should be enough. 

My response: You only told me when you got caught and by the way, your stand up (apology) was weak. Without actions, they mean nothing. I know what I have to do. 

Thanks for responding. It is really helpful!


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## Oriana (Jun 22, 2012)

Thanks In The Wind.

I agree and I am working on leaving....believe that!!!!


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Oriana,

You helped me see that there are bigger a$$holes than mine out there! 

Seriously though, the moment he called our daughter a liar knowing damn well she wasn't would have been the end of it for me. To do that to a child, even at 17, is more repulsive than the infidelity for me. He betrayed her too! He has forever ruined his relationship with her. 

If it were my husband I would have taped his arse to the couch and gone through his phone with him mumbling for help. But that is just me. And no...I think your friends are crazy. You shouldn't spend one more precious nano-second of your life with him.

I am sorry you are dealing with this. *hugs*


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Payback thoughts are always there, but be the bigger person no matter the betrayal, they're the ones that have to live with their sh*tty fuc**ng decisions. 

Stay strong


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Read about the 180 and implement it. You need to rediscover your self-respect. You're slow-walking yourself out the door for what reason exactly? You need to get rid of him now. Your kids will respect you more for respecting yourself. They sure don't respect their father.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

The moment he called your daughter...HIS daughter...a liar to protect his little endeavors..he showed you what kind of man he is. You need to kick HIM out. You don't need to find another place to live....HE DOES. Serve him with papers. I'm assuming you're a SAHM. You will get alimony, probably the house, the kids (especially if your daughter is willing to testify because what he did borders on abuse depending on the state and judge you get). Seriously, there's no fixing this.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> The moment he called your daughter...HIS daughter...a liar to protect his little endeavors..he showed you what kind of man he is.


x1000 He threw his daughter under the bubs to protect his lies, his sexcapades. So he's all about facade? Expose him wide ioen. To everyone. Inclusing this.
He had to on his knees begging forgiveness from your daughter and from you.


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## Is It Just Me (Sep 8, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> The moment he called your daughter...HIS daughter...a liar to protect his little endeavors..he showed you what kind of man he is. You need to kick HIM out. You don't need to find another place to live....HE DOES. Serve him with papers. I'm assuming you're a SAHM. You will get alimony, probably the house, the kids (especially if your daughter is willing to testify because what he did borders on abuse depending on the state and judge you get). Seriously, there's no fixing this.



Completely agree.

I 100% vote for divorce, this 'man' is disgusting.

And I really think you need to talk to your daughters about what have been their interactions with him. For one of them to 'always walk out the room when he comes in' should have tipped you off that something was off, so who knows what else your daughters have seen or heard in regards to your husband.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He isnt sorry, he is just sorry he got caught.  Do yourself and your girls a favor and get out of this.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

There has been plenty good advice said already. I am always for R, but there needs to be proper grounds for it to happen and it can take years to break him off his addiction. Your husband says he should not suffer for what he did, ridiculous, make him suffer regardless of what he says.

You need to move on, focus on yourself, stop associating yourself with him, do what BADBANE said, it works, he needs to be on his knees, crying, begging, and doing everything that you demand for, not only in words, because he is a liar, but in actions. Pay attention to his actions.

Do not talk to him about his affair unless he brings it up, and let me tell you HE WILL bring it up after you start keeping to yourself and stop relying on him. Cheaters have an ego, they do not want to get left behind, they want to keep cake eating as long as there are no serious consequences. Have you ever had an addiction? Its exactly that, just one more, just another time, i'll start tomorrow etc. It is hardwired in the personality that they have built becoming a cheater to keep you around. Once you start moving on and you stop talking to your WH you will seem far away to him and there is a good chance you can wake your WH if you only get that withdrawal, NC ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT, no smoke signals, no sos, no telegraphs, nothing. He needs that withdrawal to escape this addictive fantasy, a 7-10 day will bring him mildly back but with still high chances of relapse. Keep the NC, he must be transparent for you to verify.


"Look, (husbands name), i already know you have cheated on me and your actions tell me you are still cheating and have not changed. There is not point in lying, listen to yourself. You disgust me, everytime I look at you I want to vomit, I don't want you near me, I dont want you speaking to me, you have changed me because of what you have done. I want you to stop. You are addicted to this behavior, to this woman, just stop, if you want to save us, just stop. If you want me back you need to x, x, x, x, x, x, x otherwise I will not share my husband. I cannot control you, I have not condoned this, so stop because this family needs a strong man, not one who allows his weakness to outweigh his strengths, who is controled by his addiction, falls on his knees for another woman. If we cannot be transparent with each other, and not tell lies or hide anything then we can't be together. You can keep doing what you are doing but I will not tolerate it, I WILL leave because I deserve better, I have worked long and hard enough to deserve better."
Do not argue, only state facts, stay calm, do not shout, do not let him interupt you, he needs consequences.


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

Your husband is a Narcissit who threw his own daughter under the bus... Leave him.
I'm also all for R... But not in this case. His own daughter. SMH


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## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

Its a natural (horrible) defense to deflect. "You're crazy I would never cheat, you must be cheating" 

But when confronted with his daughters story and he called her a lair, that steps in the land of WTF!!!!!!!!!!

This man does NOT want a cherised wife he wants to keep his housecleaner. He wants to keep the image of a family man to the world and f*ck anyone with feet in his fantasy life.

RUN RUN RUN DON'T WALK


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