# So Lost... what comes next?



## Lola11 (Dec 26, 2011)

Hi all

I'm a new poster but have been lurking about for a few weeks.

I'm a 27 y/o married for almost 5 years and together for going on 8. No kids, no house, just a car payment/title in my name and 2 dogs.

Our marriage has been rocky for the last 2 years, we have very little relationship left any more, sex life is all but non-existent and frankly I've gotten to the point where I'm not all that interested anymore (I'll explain more). I feel like on a good day we are amicable roommates.

Problems started financially. Husband has severe debt issues which he hid from me until collection calls started. He always found some way to blame the "I took out card/loan and did not pay" on someone or something else. We were really struggling to get by even with both of us working, so I started looking for better paying jobs... ended up going through a training program through my work to advance which gave me 15-16 hr days so I could make more money to help us get by. 

I make 2-3x his pay now, but he gets angry when I focus on bills we must pay. My pay check goes into a joint account, and Husband has been known to take out hundreds of dollars without even telling me or making sure household expenses are paid first. It's not him taking the money that bugs me so much as the not telling me and letting me find out when I get an over draft notice.

I pay 90% of household expenses. Rent, Utilities, Car Payment, Car insurance then my credit cards etc. Husband pays his bills, and then pays the cable and cell bill.

Husband accuses me of holding finances over his head anytime I ask if he took money out of the joint account or ask if he payed X bill on time. 

Around the time that I was doing the 15-16hr days, the break up of household chores also became an issue. I was doing 2 jobs plus training, and still coming home and having to cook/clean up/ do laundry/ take out trash... while husband played video games to "unwind" from his one full time job. Now I can occasionally get him to do dishes but he is of the opinion that absolves him from any other help around the house.

That year we got a crazy amount of snow, and husband refused to leave the house so I ended up having to dig out our cars from our long driveway all by myself. He stayed inside and played video games.

Things just progressed from there. Now, I come home from work and he barely acknowledges my presence in the house. Most days he is playing video games in the living room and cussing/yelling at the tv. I don't like yelling (gives me anxiety attacks which he knows) so I usually grab my laptop and retreat to the bedroom and watch tv or something. He only acknowledges/ acts affectionately when he wants to be intimate... and frankly I'm not in the mood after being ignored.

I do know he plays those online games that you talk to other people on, and I do know he has been talking to other players- some female- off the games. He swears strictly platonic... I'm not 100% convinced but have no evidence.

I've tried to talk to him about some of our issues, but it usually just starts an argument and he starts yelling (back to my anxiety issues... he knows I back off) or he gives me silent treatment. He even admitted the other week he hears every word but doesn't respond if he doesn't feel like talking about it. When he does start yelling he has become more verbally nasty... telling me to shut the f up or calling me a b (usually mumbled toward the end of any fight... I don't even know how to respond to that). I tried suggesting counseling once but he evaded/ doesn't believe in it.

For me it's come to a head recently for two reasons. One, I've started to feel like mother nature is ticking away, and I am getting the baby bug pretty badly. But one night I was holding my cousin's 4 month old and realized I want kids... just not with him. Second, I've developed a crush on a guy at work. I'm not one to act on anything, but the feelings are there and making me even more aware that they aren't there with my husband.

I think I've realized that it is all but over. I feel like even if husband did agree to counseling now, I'm not even sure it would be worth it anymore. I've already talked to my parents (hardest conversation I've ever had) and I can stay with them if I leave.

The only thing left to do is to do it.

Thing is I held on because of the holidays and things actually got better for a few weeks. But they've done that before and things always go back. Now, our anniversary is the 30th.

I'm just so lost in all this mess and have no idea how or where to go from here.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Lola11 said:


> . When he does start yelling he has become more verbally nasty... telling me to shut the f up or calling me a b (usually mumbled toward the end of any fight... I don't even know how to respond to that).


This is not just nasty, it is abuse. That alone would be unacceptable to me. 



Lola11 said:


> I've developed a crush on a guy at work. I'm not one to act on anything, but the feelings are there and making me even more aware that they aren't there with my husband.


This is understandable, since you certainly aren't getting any of your needs met at home, from what you've written. However, please don't jump from the frying pan into the fire. The guy at work is probably a nice enough person, but you don't know him really up-close and personal. Extricate yourself from this relationship, and take some down-time to get to know yourself better. The guy in your office can wait.



Lola11 said:


> I've already talked to my parents (hardest conversation I've ever had) and I can stay with them if I leave.
> 
> I'm just so lost in all this mess and have no idea how or where to go from here.


You make good money, and your parents would let you stay with them until you can get back on your feet. There are so many people posting here who are stuck in awful marriages who can't walk away as easily.

Frankly, I don't see anything from your post that makes me feel you don't know where to go from here. You are married to a man who is fiscally irresponsible and dishonest. That alone would be a deal-breaker for me. You are carrying almost all the load in this relationship. If he's as bad as you say, I'd be packing my stuff come January 2 and moving in with my parents.

P.S. - You are 27. I assure you your biological clock has not yet wound down to zero. I know plenty of women who had their kids when they were in their late 30's, and even early 40's.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I havent much to add to the previous poster, except to ask you why do you still stay with him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> This is not just nasty, it is abuse. That alone would be unacceptable to me.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:

You are very young. Move on now before you are so emotionally drug down that you do not have the strength to leave.


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## Red_Dolphin (Dec 27, 2011)

To add to what the others have said:

Take your name off the joint account and open one if your name only. Have your paycheck moved to the new account at a different bank.

Are you on a lease on the house you are renting? If so, when is the lease up. 

If he was to change his actions now, would you still be interested in a relationship with him or are you beyond that?


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## Lola11 (Dec 26, 2011)

Thank you for the replies/ support. 

Accept- A few excuses have kept me in this so long. A big one for me was coming from a very religious family, divorce just isn't the norm in my life, and considering it at all made me feel like a complete and total failure. It was terrifying for me to admit to my mom what was going on... I should have known she already had an inkling. The other is that because I was the bread winner, I was afraid what would happen to him if I walked.

Red- Have my own account now, and am planning on switching my direct deposit over. If he were to change, I mean really change, I might consider... but things have been in roller coaster mode for the last 2 years between us. They get better for a little while but always go back. And even when things are "good" right now, I've come to realize that those days are what were just "so-so" back when... even on the good days I feel like we are more room-mates.

Prodigal- I have been carefully keeping my distance from work crush. 2 reasons... the first just as you mentioned, and the second because gossip flies around that place faster than the speed of light. It's not too hard, we are on two different shifts so only end up working together for about an hour or two once a week. You are very right that I need to figure myself out more than I need another guy anytime soon.

I guess it's not so much that I don't know what I want or even should be doing. I just have no idea how. Husband was my first serious boyfriend, and so I have no real break up experience to fall back on. I have this constant desire to fix any wrong and never be thought badly of... and it is hard for me to come to grips with the fact that no matter what he is going to hate me if I leave.

My new years resolution is to do whatever it takes to make myself happy. My plan now is to pack up what I can, take the dogs, and go to my parents the 1st of Jan. I have to call the landlord and give 30 day notice... husband can have 30 days to figure out if he can afford to continue to live there or find another place. I just have to figure out if I can go through with it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sounds like you have your plan. I know its sad but really don't think you have a choice.


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