# My husband won't open doors for me



## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

The day before yesterday I was rushing because I was late for work in the morning. While trying to carry a cup of water and my mug of coffee and a backpack purse and duffel bag over my shoulders I found myself struggling trying to close the bedroom door behind me. I saw that my husband was sitting on the couch working on his computer and I asked him if he could get the door behind me. He jumped up and ran to close the door behind me and as I was walking towards the front door I asked him if he could open the front door for me too. He sped up in front of me and open the front door. As I was giving him a kiss goodbye I also asked if you could unlock my car door since he was opening up all the doors. He immediately snapped at me and said "no I will not because I got to get to work!".
So angry at the fact that he yelled at me and snapped at me I immediately snapped back and called him a "****ing *******!".

Still today he refuses to apologize for snapping at me because he felt that I was taking advantage of him for asking him to open the door for me. 
Granted this isn't the first time he has snapped at me when I have asked him to do things for me or to help me with anything. So I know that this is stemmed from something deeper but I don't know how to fix the situation and I don't know how to get over the fact that I'm still so hurt.
My feelings are just so hurt. My husband does not want to help open the doors for me! It's insulting! 
Still today I am feeling down and hopeless about the situation because I know that I will not get a resolve I know that I will always have to walk on egg shells asking him to help me with things and I don't know how to fix it. Am I in the wrong for feeling this way? Does anyone have advice on how to resolve this problem?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

So is it opening doors specifically or is this a pattern with other things as well? Because if your complaint is he won't open doors for you then I'd let that go, just not bother asking, and plan accordingly next time.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Jasel said:


> So is it opening doors specifically or is this a pattern with other things as well? Because if your complaint is he won't open doors for you then I'd let that go, just not bother asking, and plan accordingly next time.


:iagree:

If the two of you are swearing at each other and calling each other names that's a far bigger problem than the doors.

My husband has never sworn at me or called me a name (nor have I to him). He wouldn't want to either :rofl:


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

Jasel said:


> So is it opening doors specifically or is this a pattern with other things as well? Because if your complaint is he won't open doors for you then I'd let that go, just not bother asking, and plan accordingly next time.


No it's not just opening doors. It's anything. If I ask him to help me with something he gets so angry. Helping me bring in my bags form my car when I get home after a 14hr day, help me change the sheets on the bed, help me carry the vacuum cleaner up & down the stairs. Anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

frusdil said:


> :iagree:
> 
> If the two of you are swearing at each other and calling each other names that's a far bigger problem than the doors.
> 
> My husband has never sworn at me or called me a name (nor have I to him). He wouldn't want to either :rofl:


Yea, well unfortunately avoiding swearing at each other is not a reality. It happens all the time. Just today he asked me where something was, and I sarcastically said to him 'well, if you read my text message that you never replied too, you would know where they are". His response was "well moron if you knew how to send a coherent text in English then maybe I'd respond". 

I didn't think my sarcasm deserved being called a moron, but when I told him that I didn't deserve being called names that doesn't resolve, fix, or prevent it from happening again. 

Swearing, calling names, not opening doors....I just don't know what the real problem is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

rydellluy said:


> just not bother asking, and plan accordingly next time.


^Really?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Lack of respect for each other, that's what it really sounds like to me.

He ran to do as you asked twice and you asked him to follow you out to the car also? To be honest, I think you were going a little overboard. Then he snaps, simply because he doesn't want to go out to the car I imagine, and you swear and insult him.

Then he asks you where something was, a simple question, to which you responded sarcastically. Yes he was nasty after that but you get what you give.

Honestly, I'm not trying to insult you or make things worse for you, I really hope you can improve your situation, and in light of that I have to say; you really need to adjust your bad attitude if you want him to be nicer as well. Sarcasm and insults will get you nothing but negative stuff back. If you really want this to stop, then stop and think before you speak. 

Put yourself in his shoes. If you would feel bothered and annoyed to be asked to do whatever it is you're about to ask him to do, then don't be surprised when he feels that way. If he reacts badly, you don't need to react badly as well. If he gets angry, you could just say, 'no need for that, I was just asking'. You need to make him feel ridiculous in his overreaction instead of justified because you just spat venom back at him.


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

Agree with Breeze 100%


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

It sounds to me as if you two could do to work on your marriage. Have you read His Needs Her Needs and the Five Love Languages?

Remember that when you married that you both promised to love each other. That means acting - and talking - lovingly to each other at all times. It is not always easy but it's part of the deal.

Good luck.


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

breeze said:


> Lack of respect for each other, that's what it really sounds like to me.
> 
> He ran to do as you asked twice and you asked him to follow you out to the car also? To be honest, I think you were going a little overboard. Then he snaps, simply because he doesn't want to go out to the car I imagine, and you swear and insult him.
> 
> ...


"You need to make him feel ridiculous in his overreaction instead...."

I hear you and yes I need to work on biting my tongue. 
It's hard to do that cause I always feel like I'm being abused and walked all over when I do bite my tongue. 
Deep down I want a husband who would take his coat off to lay over a puddle so I don't have to step in it...if you know what I mean. 
Yes when my arms are full and I'm clearly struggling, I want a husband that would be happy and willing to come to my rescue. The thought of me being annoying didn't come up cause I thought it would be an act of love to help me. Not an inconvenience or annoyance. 

So yea, I'll bite my tongue and scale back on my sarcastic personality...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

tryingtobebetter said:


> It sounds to me as if you two could do to work on your marriage. Have you read His Needs Her Needs and the Five Love Languages?
> 
> Remember that when you married that you both promised to love each other. That means acting - and talking - lovingly to each other at all times. It is not always easy but it's part of the deal.
> 
> Good luck.


No I haven't read that book, and yes we do need to work on the marriage. When he's easily annoyed at me asking for help and hyper sensitive to my sarcasm, then the last thing I want to do is suggest we read a self help book together...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

breeze said:


> Then he asks you where something was, a simple question, to which you responded sarcastically. Yes he was nasty after that but you get what you give.


Not sure is this is relevant or not, but part of the reason why I was sarcastic to him is because I'm sensitive to the fact that my husband takes the time to respond to emails, phone calls, & text messages from friends, family, and clients but mine always go on the back burner. I constantly feel like I'm in competition for his attention. Maybe I need to get over that and except it? But with these feelings I get about not being important it is hard for me to keep my mouth shut and prevent sarcastic comments over "simple questions".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I get what you mean, I really do. It wasn't all that long ago that I'd struggle constantly doing something and DH would just sit there and do nothing to help. I'd come home from doing all the grocery shopping and lug all the bags into the house on my own and immediately I'd be super cranky because he wouldn't get off his butt and come out and help me. He'd never just jump in and open a door for me if I was struggling. I don't think it would even occur to him. 

I think things started to change a little when I stopped getting so cranky about it. It was only causing me stress. I asked when I needed help but I tried not to expect it to just happen. We can't make them want to help, but we can help ourselves by learning how to let go of our frustration.

As for you feeling like you always come second to everyone else, that can be helped I think by reading the books mentioned. Don't ask him to read them, don't expect him to, but if you do it, you can improve things between you. I had to read the books on my own. DH never read them, but it helped us anyway.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

Sad to see a simple little Curtisy as holding a door or carrying packages seems to be a disappearing practice.my wife goes shopping she will call when on her way home and I will meet her outside.I have to laugh we were out shopping once and two ladies with baby carriages were coming in the store,so I waited and held door open for them.The one lady commented we must be in NJ,they were from N Y C .I just find it odd that it is a issue.I was taught by my dad when I was kid to hold doors or help carry packages for ladies where we lived.If I forgot to do either I would definitely hear about it.Maybe you both should try to cut back on the name calling.Opening doors and help carrying packages should be automatic and not argumentive.Best of luck .


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ah, marriage.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

If you lived by yourself, who would be opening the doors, helping you carry a vacuum (just how do two people carry a vacuum?), change sheets?

Expect less and get more and be thankful. And drop the sarcasm - it's a killer in a relationship.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I think opening doors and helping your wife when she needs alittle help is the right thing to do.

when you come home with groceries he should help you carry them in,when he see your hands are full and you need help he should gladly want to help you.


with that said......if your always running late and have to rush carring everything at once and expect your husband to jump and help you for every little instance then I think your abusing it and then if your always sarcastic about it then I could see why he it disinterested in helping.

do you run and get the door for him when his hands are full etc?

I mean he was perouccupied with his computer so he didn't see you needed help. maybe if when you asked for help you could have said,

honey could you help me with the door I sorry I'm running late if you could help me all the way out to the car I would be soo greatfull you big strong hunk of love!

But just expecting him to jump and help every time is unrealistic in my opinion and like others have said maybe planning better would go a long way.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Getting up to offer a seat, stopping in traffic so someone can cross comfortably, helping someone carry bags...

These are good manners. Nothing to do with you being a spouse. This is stuff one should do for strangers as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

But its not stuff we do when people talk crappy to us. 

MAYBE.... he sees you as too needy? Maybe all these little things that you need help with add up, so maybe he thinks you can't or don't do anything for yourself. Just some maybe's to think about.

Two things come to mind:
1. Don't expect things and you won't be disappointed.
2. Don't talk to the person who you supposedly love and cherish like you don't like them.

*Edited to add: You can't change him, so you change how you relate to him and hopefully that encourages him to change how he relates to you!


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I don't think "no I will not because I got to get to work!".
deserved getting met with calling him a "****ing *******!". (which I can only guess is pretty bad  )

If I have to get ready for work and don't have time to do a bunch of little things for someone else I think it's reasonable to say no, I can't do anymore. I have been there and I have gotten upset that I was asked for repeated things "Can you grab me a coffee? Where are my keys? Can you grab my cell from the table, I already have my shoes on?, etc" It's annoying and disrespectful of my time. None of them on their own is too much to ask, all of them together feels disrespectful to me when it's a constant thing. 

Another aspect of why it upsets me is because it's rarely reciprocated. How often do you do things for him? Has he asked you to do things that you either didn't do or got annoyed by being asked? When there is a balance of each doing things for each other I think these little things end up not being a big deal but if it becomes too one-sided, making a big deal over the little favors could mean a sign that he doesn't feel you do enough for him. Just a thought.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

So I will ask the obvious question then. What are you doing for him? If he was here would he say that you ask all these things of him and from him but if he asks for anything it's a no or you won't do it?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Marriage is a partnership.
No man worth a darn will endure being his wife's doormat. And if he cannot count on you to meet his needs, then you cannot count on him to meet your needs. The question is, which ONE of you is going to break this vicous cycle?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

This would be considered "1st world problems" when it comes to relationship issues.

Sorry

Anyways, what it really comes down to is "HOW" did the OP ask her husband.

Was it "open the door" or was it "honey, could you please open the door for me". I also don't think OP should assume that her husband read her mind and assumed she needed help. 

Husbands don't walk in front or behind their wife's and keep track of the radar or what's coming up/what needs doing.......


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## Baablacksheep (Aug 29, 2013)

OP I totally get that you are hurt by his actions, but hey 2 out of 3 isn't so bad is it ? \"/ [Acts of love] Have you done extra things for him today ? I don't know either of you, but it sounds like both of you are building up resentment for your partner. Look at it from his angle, he did 2 acts of service and gets called a ^^^ing ****itch. That would build a up resentment in me right there !! Maybe in the same situation a little recognition for what he's already done and say this is way overboard of me too ask this, but can you get the car door too ? I know as a guy the fact that you recognize your acting like a little queen ***itch would probably go a long ways to get me out to your car door. Just my thoughts here. Best of luck to you and him.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> I think opening doors and helping your wife when she needs alittle help is the right thing to do.
> 
> when you come home with groceries he should help you carry them in,when he see your hands are full and you need help he should gladly want to help you.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I think that the communication style might be a problem with both of them too.
Talking down to instead of talking with.
Giving a command instead of asking for help.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

My H has never said "Bless you", after I have sneezed. Not once in 20yrs.....that annoys me.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

101Abn said:


> Sad to see a simple little Curtisy as holding a door or carrying packages seems to be a disappearing practice.my wife goes shopping she will call when on her way home and I will meet her outside.I have to laugh we were out shopping once and two ladies with baby carriages were coming in the store,so I waited and held door open for them.The one lady commented we must be in NJ,they were from N Y C .I just find it odd that it is a issue.I was taught by my dad when I was kid to hold doors or help carry packages for ladies where we lived.If I forgot to do either I would definitely hear about it.Maybe you both should try to cut back on the name calling.Opening doors and help carrying packages should be automatic and not argumentive.Best of luck .


My dh is very helpful, too. I am certainly thankful for it, but even if I were not always saying thank you, he would still do it. He just sees it as his job to help me in life.

I don't know how you live with the sarcasm and name calling and all that, OP. That must feel so unloving and disrespectful, for both of you.

Could you, every time you say something unkind like that, regardless of his response, just apologize? Maybe say, honey, I'm sorry I said that. What I really mean is . . . . That might help your communication issues. And it shows respect for his feelings.

I know, he should know these things already. But he doesn't. So communication can help that.

Marriages are so much more complex than what we can express in words here. You may want to consider marriage counseling if self help books do not help you enough.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

You don't feel loved (and you probably grew up like this), so you put yourself into situations where you need to be "rescued" in order to validate yourself. Conversely, you have a very difficult time opening up emotionally, because you're afraid of being hurt or rejected, so you keep people at a distance and try to control your relationships with sarcasm and so forth. 

This is something that will take you time to work through, but you won't ever have the closeness you long for without hard work on your part. 

Firstly, start to open up more. You can't love someone 99% and expect it to feel like true love. Giving 100% is showing love. 

Secondly, talk to your husband and tell him you want to work on yourself and your communication skills and you are giving him a heads-up so he knows what's going on. In reality, this is a subtle clue for his support, but I don't think it's best for you to ask for it straight up, because he will feel like you're just trying a new way of controlling the relationship. 

Next, allow your husband to be a man and take the lead. Trust me on this. You'll get support in spades once he starts. 

Open up more in the bedroom with your husband and allow yourself to be vulnerable. Also, flirt with him more outside of the bedroom. Flirt, though; don't be sexually obvious (find a balance, anyway). The idea here is to become more feminine and less aggressive and allow him to pursue you. 

Read the Five Love Languages book. See if he'll do the quizzes with you. In fact, you can even just Google the quizzes and do them together. But I recommend the book over the lazy way. 

Work on your communication skills.

Compliment your husband and express admiration for him. Women don't realize how powerful this is, but there is almost nothing more powerful that wives can do.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

I think there's a big difference between _wanting_ help and _needing_ help. 

There's a big difference between being _unable_ to do something yourself and _unwilling_ to do it yourself. 

I am more inclined to help someone who _needs_ my help because they are _unable_ to do it themselves. Otherwise, I see them as 'needy' and dependent in an unhealthy way. 

Vega


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

pidge70 said:


> My H has never said "Bless you", after I have sneezed. Not once in 20yrs.....that annoys me.


It should. It shows he has no concern for your physical well-being and is not being kind, considerate or chivalrous. I suggest you call him an ugly name each time you sneeze and see if he starts 'blessing' you.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

mymooser said:


> No it's not just opening doors. It's anything. If I ask him to help me with something he gets so angry. Helping me bring in my bags form my car when I get home after a 14hr day, help me change the sheets on the bed, help me carry the vacuum cleaner up & down the stairs. Anything.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My STBX is the exact same way. I've put up with it for 13 years, among many other things. They won't change, no matter how much you gripe about it. 

Just take care of those things yourself.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

pidge70 said:


> My H has never said "Bless you", after I have sneezed. Not once in 20yrs.....that annoys me.


Bless you 10,000 times for all the ones he missed!!!!!


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

breeze said:


> I get what you mean, I really do. It wasn't all that long ago that I'd struggle constantly doing something and DH would just sit there and do nothing to help. I'd come home from doing all the grocery shopping and lug all the bags into the house on my own and immediately I'd be super cranky because he wouldn't get off his butt and come out and help me. He'd never just jump in and open a door for me if I was struggling. I don't think it would even occur to him.
> 
> I think things started to change a little when I stopped getting so cranky about it. It was only causing me stress. I asked when I needed help but I tried not to expect it to just happen. We can't make them want to help, but we can help ourselves by learning how to let go of our frustration.
> 
> As for you feeling like you always come second to everyone else, that can be helped I think by reading the books mentioned. Don't ask him to read them, don't expect him to, but if you do it, you can improve things between you. I had to read the books on my own. DH never read them, but it helped us anyway.


Thanks for understanding. I'll try reading the book on my own for sure!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

101Abn said:


> Sad to see a simple little Curtisy as holding a door or carrying packages seems to be a disappearing practice.my wife goes shopping she will call when on her way home and I will meet her outside.I have to laugh we were out shopping once and two ladies with baby carriages were coming in the store,so I waited and held door open for them.The one lady commented we must be in NJ,they were from N Y C .I just find it odd that it is a issue.I was taught by my dad when I was kid to hold doors or help carry packages for ladies where we lived.If I forgot to do either I would definitely hear about it.Maybe you both should try to cut back on the name calling.Opening doors and help carrying packages should be automatic and not argumentive.Best of luck .


I agree that helping each other should be priority over name calling. For sure! And honestly, I expect it. It's what you do not only as curtosy but also respect and in marriage it's LOVE! That's why I'm so hurt when he doesn't want to do it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Ah, marriage.


LOL
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> If you lived by yourself, who would be opening the doors, helping you carry a vacuum (just how do two people carry a vacuum?), change sheets?
> 
> Expect less and get more and be thankful. And drop the sarcasm - it's a killer in a relationship.


Hmm? 
I don't think it's right to expect less. 
I expect curtosy & manners. 
Sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

The answer is simple:

Don't be late. Get up 10 mins earlier. Don't treat your husband as if he is your own personal doorman. Where is the respect?


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> I think opening doors and helping your wife when she needs alittle help is the right thing to do.
> 
> when you come home with groceries he should help you carry them in,when he see your hands are full and you need help he should gladly want to help you.
> 
> ...


No I'm not always late nor am I not always sarcastic. I probably should have planned better. Working three jobs I do try to do my best in planning ahead. I don't feel that I was being unrealistic when I ask for help opening a door.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

im_tam said:


> Getting up to offer a seat, stopping in traffic so someone can cross comfortably, helping someone carry bags...
> 
> These are good manners. Nothing to do with you being a spouse. This is stuff one should do for strangers as well.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


AMEN!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> But its not stuff we do when people talk crappy to us.
> 
> MAYBE.... he sees you as too needy? Maybe all these little things that you need help with add up, so maybe he thinks you can't or don't do anything for yourself. Just some maybe's to think about.
> 
> ...


I hear you!....maybe ;P
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I don't think "no I will not because I got to get to work!".
> deserved getting met with calling him a "****ing *******!". (which I can only guess is pretty bad  )
> 
> If I have to get ready for work and don't have time to do a bunch of little things for someone else I think it's reasonable to say no, I can't do anymore. I have been there and I have gotten upset that I was asked for repeated things "Can you grab me a coffee? Where are my keys? Can you grab my cell from the table, I already have my shoes on?, etc" It's annoying and disrespectful of my time. None of them on their own is too much to ask, all of them together feels disrespectful to me when it's a constant thing.
> ...


Yes. I will work on that and hope that it will help the situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

mymooser said:


> ....Does anyone have advice on how to resolve this problem?


My wife and I had a tense moment last night. She asked if I could take the dog out for its evening walk. I said no. She asked me nicely, reminding me that being with me improved its discipline and she had taken it out every evening for about a week. I said no, but I would take it out on Friday. I gave no reasonable explanation.

This will remind you of your situation. The reason I was like this is that my wife considers everything she does as to be for me. She does not work, does a small amount of housework (not yesterday) and gives very little. When I saw her trying to get out of walking her dog, it was not going to work. When she went, I cleared the table, cleaned up and put the laundry away, but I was not going to negotiate.

Do you actually help out and contribute a significant amount? Actually, rather than on an emotional level. If you do, the example cannot be compared to yours, but perhaps it is.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Guess not going to get an answer to my question. That's telling


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You didn't expect courtesy and manners from him before you married or else you wouldn't have married him. Did you think the ring would bring about this desired behavior?

What says 'love' to you says 'pita' to someone else.

Have a convo and set forth your expectations for acts that make you feel cherished. He might change and he might not. After-all, you knew what you were getting when you married him.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

mymooser said:


> No I'm not always late nor am I not always sarcastic. I probably should have planned better. Working three jobs I do try to do my best in planning ahead. I don't feel that I was being unrealistic when I ask for help opening a door.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I might be way off base but I get the feeling you have some what of a martyr complex.why do you work so many jobs? could you possibly get one job where you don't have to run around like a chicken with its head cut off.

do your 3 jobs equal the hours his one job dose? or the earning his job dose?

and you asked for help twice and he did help you then you asked for more and he said he had to get ready for work. seems reasonable. But then you were pi$$ed and called him foul names. don't see how that is going to help him to want to help you. 


But hey maybe you should divorce his a$$ for not meeting your every whim! That seems reasonable!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

mymooser said:


> No I'm not always late nor am I not always sarcastic. I probably should have planned better. Working three jobs I do try to do my best in planning ahead. I don't feel that I was being unrealistic when I ask for help opening a door.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He did open the door for you. Two of them, actually. You're forgetting that part. But for whatever reason, he drew the line at three. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think it's too bad that your so upset at this one incident. I agree that it was a really bad thing for your husband to do but I think you do both of you a favor if you would just let it pass. If I was pissed off like this after every thing my wife did that upset me, I would be institutionalized by now.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

So you want a guy who will lay his coat over a puddle, but if he DOESN'T, you swear and hit him over the head with sarcasm? Is that right?

"As ye sow, so shall ye reap".

It makes a person feel better when they're respected and maybe even loved. Maybe THEN he will open doors and lay down coats.

Or, just divorce him and look for a "door opening coat layer".

Not trying to be totally sarcastic, but there are about a gazillion folks on here who wish THEIR biggest problem was doors and puddles!


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

OP,

You admitted using sarcastic language. I do not know of one single man that appreciates sarcasm from his wife/partner unless its of a good nature and NOT directed all the time at him. 

I think you need to have a sit down with your husband and write down what things are bothering each other including character traits. Be open and honest and cook this beef and eat it before it eats your marriage. 

Lack of respect and insults were the precursor to my divorce. Learn from it and repair.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Btw my ex wife was like this. I could kill two lions with my bare hands but the moment I said no to swimming in a gator pond to get her a glass of water I was the biggest Ahole in the world.

Point being, you should not assume a man was put on this earth to serve your every whim on the spot, when you want just like he should not assume that from you.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Did you say "please" and "thank you" in a pleasant tone the first two times? It's one thing to open doors inside for you but to go outside and open the car door, too? I felt you'd crossed the line from expecting kindness to expecting to be treated like a princess. Set the drink on top of the car and open the door yourself while you put your things inside. Or start carrying a water bottle with a lid and toss it in your bag. 

I may be wrong here but it seems like a lot of women, especially young women feel they 'deserve' to be fawned over and that is love. It isn't. Mutual kindness, admiration and respect equal love.

I'm glad to see you have accepted a lot of the feedback gracefully here. Sarcasm, name calling and refusing to compromise will be the death of any relationship. We teach children to not call names or be smart alecs so I don't know why so many adults do it but I hear it a LOT.


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## loveadvice (Dec 22, 2013)

You would get a lot farther using honey rather than vinegar with him. 

Had you thanked him sweetly and said something like "You're the best" after he opened the first door for you, and then followed up with another grateful thank you or something similar after the second time he opened the door for you, you may have gotten him to gladly open the third door for you.

Whenever my boyfriend does something nice for me, I always express my gratitude. I think men like to be your heroes, but they need to know that you are appreciative of their effort.


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

Sounds like princess syndrome to me


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Quite honestly OP from what little you've posted here it sounds like your man is just giving what he gets.

Not the best way to handle things but if this is how you've been for the duration of the relationship I can see why he holds the resentment.

Holding three doors while you juggle enough stuff to bend a Sherpa?
Sounds like a three stooges skit.
My wife would have simply asked me to help her carry the stuff to the car and be done with it.

The way you responded to his asking where something was would have put me on the defensive too and while I' m not usually as harsh as your husband was I can't say I wouldn't be if this is how I was treated on a regular basis.

Now you may be acting this way because he's acting this way but I can guarantee you he's acting this way because you are.

See the ****ty vicious cycle y'all have gotten yourself into?

I would say the two,of you need to sit down and clearly communicate how you want to fix this but I don't think either of you are capable of that at this point.

I think you need some counseling where a third party can make you see how you treat each other and teach the two of you to communicate in a healthy manner.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> My H has never said "Bless you", after I have sneezed. Not once in 20yrs.....that annoys me.


I don't bless anyone when they sneeze.

I'm an atheist I can't bless anything.

I always wondered why we said "excuse me" when we burp a little air out of our mouths but when we projectile launch a high. velocity cloud of mucus and saliva all over everyone within a ten foot radius we need to be blessed instead if apologizing or excusing ourselves.

:scratchhead:

Maybe I think too much.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> It should. It shows he has no concern for your physical well-being and is not being kind, considerate or chivalrous. I suggest you call him an ugly name each time you sneeze and see if he starts 'blessing' you.


If I did start to call him names, it is because demons took my soul from the lack of blessing......


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> Bless you 10,000 times for all the ones he missed!!!!!


Thank you kind sir.....let us hope it is not too late....


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I don't bless anyone when they sneeze.
> 
> I'm an atheist I can't bless anything.
> 
> ...


Well, I'm not an atheist but, I am a non believer. Still, I didn't say he had to say *"God"* bless you, just a regular bless you. Also, I *always* say excuse me after I sneeze. Now, flatulence, that's another matter......:rofl:


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

> when we projectile launch a high. velocity cloud of mucus and saliva all over everyone within a ten foot radius we need to be blessed instead if apologizing or excusing ourselves


One explanation holds that the custom originally began as an actual blessing. Gregory I became Pope in AD 590 as an outbreak of the bubonic plague was reaching Rome. In hopes of fighting off the disease, he ordered unending prayer and parades of chanters through the streets. At the time, sneezing was thought to be an early symptom of the plague. The blessing ("God bless you!") became a common effort to halt the disease.

Another explanation suggests that people used to believe that a person's soul could be thrown from their body when they sneezed,[1] that sneezing otherwise opened the body to invasion by the Devil[2] or evil spirits,[3] or that sneezing was the body's effort to force out an invading evil presence.[1] In these cases, "bless you" or "God bless you" is used as a sort of shield against evil. 

Another legend holds that the heart stops beating during a sneeze, and that the phrase "bless you" encourages the heart to continue beating.


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

Wolf1974 said:


> So I will ask the obvious question then. What are you doing for him? If he was here would he say that you ask all these things of him and from him but if he asks for anything it's a no or you won't do it?


I do do things for him. If he was here, he'd probably say I do things for him, but not enough things. 
We've talked about this before. We've fought about this. I'm always trying to help as much as possible. Sometimes he forgets that I work three jobs and he works one. He forgets that I leave the house at 7:30 am & don't get home until 10pm Monday through Saturday, when he leaves at 9:30 & gets home at 5 maybe 6pm. Wish I had the energy to help around the house more than I do. Yet whenever we talk about this, there is no compromise....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Marriage is a partnership.
> No man worth a darn will endure being his wife's doormat. And if he cannot count on you to meet his needs, then you cannot count on him to meet your needs. The question is, which ONE of you is going to break this vicous cycle?


I don't see how me getting upset and insulted at my for yelling at me when I ask for help opening a door is me treating him like a door mat? 

I truly believe he can count on me to meet his needs. Like I said, when we've talked about this he doesn't acknowledge my efforts, he only addresses how it's not enough. Which I always try to do better. 
But asking for help the opening a door is far from being treated like a door mat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

DoF said:


> This would be considered "1st world problems" when it comes to relationship issues.
> 
> Sorry
> 
> ...


I most definitely did demand him to open the door. I sincerely asked nicely while I was struggling with bags & running late. 
And I wasn't assuming that he should be able to read my mind. He can clearly see with his own eyes that I was struggling. What I do expect is that when I ask nicely for help is NOT be yelled at in return.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

Baablacksheep said:


> OP I totally get that you are hurt by his actions, but hey 2 out of 3 isn't so bad is it ? \"/ [Acts of love] Have you done extra things for him today ? I don't know either of you, but it sounds like both of you are building up resentment for your partner. Look at it from his angle, he did 2 acts of service and gets called a ^^^ing ****itch. That would build a up resentment in me right there !! Maybe in the same situation a little recognition for what he's already done and say this is way overboard of me too ask this, but can you get the car door too ? I know as a guy the fact that you recognize your acting like a little queen ***itch would probably go a long ways to get me out to your car door. Just my thoughts here. Best of luck to you and him.


You're right. Two out of three are not bad. And as he did help be close a door behind me and then open the front door for me I most definitely said thank you. As I gave him a kiss goodbye I asked him to unlock my car door by reaching into my purse and hitting the button. I didn't demend. I didn't even expect him to walk out to the car. I simply was looking for him to reach into my purse that was on my shoulders and unlock the car. And that's when he yelled back at me NO. 
I didn't call him a ****ing ******* until after he yelled at me. If he has resentment towards me yelling at him, it's most definitly not because of this particular situation. And if he resents me for another situation then I'm in the dark on that one...and then who NOW is expecting minds to be read?! Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I think that the communication style might be a problem with both of them too.
> Talking down to instead of talking with.
> Giving a command instead of asking for help.


I was not giving commands. I was asking for help. Asking for help opening a door is not a command. 
I'm fine with learning ways to improve my communication style. 
But know that I didn't demand anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> My H has never said "Bless you", after I have sneezed. Not once in 20yrs.....that annoys me.


That would really annoy me too!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

jld said:


> My dh is very helpful, too. I am certainly thankful for it, but even if I were not always saying thank you, he would still do it. He just sees it as his job to help me in life.
> 
> I don't know how you live with the sarcasm and name calling and all that, OP. That must feel so unloving and disrespectful, for both of you.
> 
> ...


We've tried 3 marriage counselors and we failed at all three. 
I haven't read a self help book yet. I think I might do that. (Preferably on tape since I work three jobs and don't have time to read. Hehe)

Sometimes I feel our marriage is lacking love, yes. 
He doesn't always respect me. He's grouchy a lot and is a bully and uses me as a punching bag. These are issues that I recognize and we've indentified as problems in our previous counseling sessions. But we never got to a point of resolve. Hopefully some self help books will help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Is Mrmooser going to join us very soon to give us his side of the story?


His side of the story? You want me to read my husbands mind? Ok?...how about...I'm mad that you pulled me away from whatever I was doing in front on my computer...
Idk?!!!! I can't speak for him. 
And we haven't talked about this all week cause he refuses. 
(...and no, I don't know why he refuses. I still can't read his mind.)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

MSP said:


> You don't feel loved (and you probably grew up like this), so you put yourself into situations where you need to be "rescued" in order to validate yourself. Conversely, you have a very difficult time opening up emotionally, because you're afraid of being hurt or rejected, so you keep people at a distance and try to control your relationships with sarcasm and so forth.
> 
> This is something that will take you time to work through, but you won't ever have the closeness you long for without hard work on your part.
> 
> ...


"Conversely, you have a very difficult time opening up emotionally, because you're afraid of being hurt or rejected, so you keep people at a distance and try to control your relationships with sarcasm and so forth."....????
Ummm...NO. That is NOT me. 
Although I'm willing to try and can agree with everything else you said. Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

Vega said:


> I think there's a big difference between _wanting_ help and _needing_ help.
> 
> There's a big difference between being _unable_ to do something yourself and _unwilling_ to do it yourself.
> 
> ...


That morning I needed help. 
Sometimes I want help. 
He was able to see me struggle with my bags as I was running out the door. It was obvious that I needed the help. 
And I do know the difference.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

southern wife said:


> My STBX is the exact same way. I've put up with it for 13 years, among many other things. They won't change, no matter how much you gripe about it.
> 
> Just take care of those things yourself.


Well that's unfortunate. Cause you see, when we first were together he would always open doors for me, without me asking. In fact, he would take my bags from me FOR me AND open the door for me. Now, I have to ask, and I get yelled at for it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

FizzBomb said:


> The answer is simple:
> 
> Don't be late. Get up 10 mins earlier. Don't treat your husband as if he is your own personal doorman. Where is the respect?


I don't understand how asking for help is treating someone like a doorman. 
Of course I was in the wrong for being late. Perhaps I shouldn't have stayed up with him on the couch the night before watching TV, and should have just gone to bed...but that doesn't change it. 
If he didn't like that I was asking for help, there's nothing stopping him from saying nicely that he's sorry he can't help me cause he's busy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

Mr The Other said:


> My wife and I had a tense moment last night. She asked if I could take the dog out for its evening walk. I said no. She asked me nicely, reminding me that being with me improved its discipline and she had taken it out every evening for about a week. I said no, but I would take it out on Friday. I gave no reasonable explanation.
> 
> This will remind you of your situation. The reason I was like this is that my wife considers everything she does as to be for me. She does not work, does a small amount of housework (not yesterday) and gives very little. When I saw her trying to get out of walking her dog, it was not going to work. When she went, I cleared the table, cleaned up and put the laundry away, but I was not going to negotiate.
> 
> Do you actually help out and contribute a significant amount? Actually, rather than on an emotional level. If you do, the example cannot be compared to yours, but perhaps it is.


Doesn't quite fit in comparison to my situation, but that ok. 
I guess I just don't understand why a calm short polite explaination can occur? He didn't have to yell at me after asking for help. 

By you refusing to give an explaining is fine I guess. But my hubby didn't do that. He yelled no That's different.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

Wolf1974 said:


> Guess not going to get an answer to my question. That's telling


No. I answered you. I just didn't stay up all night responding to everyone's reply. I didn't want to be late to work again in the morning ya know...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> You didn't expect courtesy and manners from him before you married or else you wouldn't have married him. Did you think the ring would bring about this desired behavior?
> 
> What says 'love' to you says 'pita' to someone else.
> 
> Have a convo and set forth your expectations for acts that make you feel cherished. He might change and he might not. After-all, you knew what you were getting when you married him.


Opening doors, helping me with my coat, brushing my hair aside when I'm putting on my purse or looking into my eye when I talked are all things that I know he did before we got married cause they're things he did that made me feel charrished and made me fall in love with him from the get go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> I might be way off base but I get the feeling you have some what of a martyr complex.why do you work so many jobs? could you possibly get one job where you don't have to run around like a chicken with its head cut off.
> 
> do your 3 jobs equal the hours his one job dose? or the earning his job dose?
> 
> ...


Martyr?! Really? That's new. 
I work three jobs because I'm a ballet dancer that went to school and got a career cause ballet doesn't pay, but when my career reduced my hours due to budget cut backs I started teaching ballet to make up for the loss in income. Once I got back into the 'dance world' I got offers to start dancing again. Because he knows how much I love & miss performing we agreed I'd take that on too. Hence the three jobs. 
I am not angry that he isn't at my every whim. I'm hurt that he doesn't offer to help when he sees me struggling & that he yells at me when I ask for help. 

I don't see that at being a martyr.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

PBear said:


> He did open the door for you. Two of them, actually. You're forgetting that part. But for whatever reason, he drew the line at three.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not saying that he can't draw the line at three. I'm saying that I don't deserve being yelled at when I ask.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

jb02157 said:


> I think it's too bad that your so upset at this one incident. I agree that it was a really bad thing for your husband to do but I think you do both of you a favor if you would just let it pass. If I was pissed off like this after every thing my wife did that upset me, I would be institutionalized by now.


Well, like I said. He always gets mad when I ask for help. So, yea. I get hung up on it. I can only take being yelled at so many times.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

lonelyhusband321 said:


> So you want a guy who will lay his coat over a puddle, but if he DOESN'T, you swear and hit him over the head with sarcasm? Is that right?
> 
> "As ye sow, so shall ye reap".
> 
> ...


Respect is a need of mine that he is not fulfilling. Undevoted attention is another. 

This is a large issue in my eyes. And I have a hard time understanding why I'm being told that I shouldn't feel that way. 
When he doesn't take the time to respond to a call, vm, text or email I'm not getting his attention. When it happens repeatedly that I get frustrated = why I was sarcastic. 
When he can't respect me enough to say 'no I can't, sorry I'm busy" then I have a propel that I want to fix because I don't deserve being yelled at "no I don't want to open your door". 

I'm not saying I want a divorce. I'm saying I was respect. I want I be cherished. And if a coat laying man is what makes me feel loved then I think I deserve that. 

Are you telling me that I don't deserve that?

Or are you being sarcastic and making fun of what behaviors I view as affectionate?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

Sanity said:


> Btw my ex wife was like this. I could kill two lions with my bare hands but the moment I said no to swimming in a gator pond to get her a glass of water I was the biggest Ahole in the world.
> 
> Point being, you should not assume a man was put on this earth to serve your every whim on the spot, when you want just like he should not assume that from you.


I don't assume that!
I never said that I assume that. I never even said that I expect that. 
But what I do expect is to be spoken to nicely. Just like I nicely asked for help. He may not have liked that I asked him to reach into my purse and also unlock my car door, but he didn't have to yell at me for it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Did you say "please" and "thank you" in a pleasant tone the first two times? It's one thing to open doors inside for you but to go outside and open the car door, too? I felt you'd crossed the line from expecting kindness to expecting to be treated like a princess. Set the drink on top of the car and open the door yourself while you put your things inside. Or start carrying a water bottle with a lid and toss it in your bag.
> 
> I may be wrong here but it seems like a lot of women, especially young women feel they 'deserve' to be fawned over and that is love. It isn't. Mutual kindness, admiration and respect equal love.
> 
> I'm glad to see you have accepted a lot of the feedback gracefully here. Sarcasm, name calling and refusing to compromise will be the death of any relationship. We teach children to not call names or be smart alecs so I don't know why so many adults do it but I hear it a LOT.


Yes I sure did say please and thank you. I asked him to unlock my car door after kissing him goodbye and after thanking him for helping me. But he didn't kiss me back, he rushed me out the door (knowing I was in a rush) and got mad that I asked for help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

loveadvice said:


> You would get a lot farther using honey rather than vinegar with him.
> 
> Had you thanked him sweetly and said something like "You're the best" after he opened the first door for you, and then followed up with another grateful thank you or something similar after the second time he opened the door for you, you may have gotten him to gladly open the third door for you.
> 
> Whenever my boyfriend does something nice for me, I always express my gratitude. I think men like to be your heroes, but they need to know that you are appreciative of their effort.


Like I said. I did. I did say thank you, can you, will you please, all of the above.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

ricky15100 said:


> Sounds like princess syndrome to me


Thank you. You're so very helpful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Quite honestly OP from what little you've posted here it sounds like your man is just giving what he gets.
> 
> Not the best way to handle things but if this is how you've been for the duration of the relationship I can see why he holds the resentment.
> 
> ...


Yes I see the cycle. And the three counselors we've seen the past have helped us identify these cycles. The last one helped us the START of talking through it. But it never got resolved. He went back into old habits, I went back into my old defensives and it's all over again. 
In fact I do what I can to remind him of those things we talked about in counseling. But that makes him angry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

You mention working three jobs a lot. But at least one of those jobs is a pleasure for you, you find it fulfilling (performing ballet). I'm assuming you don't need that one for income.

So I don't think you get to use that as a reason he needs to be extra solicitous of you. You're choosing it, consequence is, you're busier and more tired. Not his issue. If you can't cope, then give it up.

In the original scenario it sounds like he helped you twice and didn't want to help a third time. He expressed it badly, and then you swore at him. Both at fault here. 

And no, you don't deserve everything you want in order to "feel loved". How old are you? It doesn't sound like you have kids. How long have you been married? 

Both you and your husband sound like bad communicators who are resentful of each other. Not great. Resentment kills love very quickly. Maybe he loves you less now and doesn't want to help anymore.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Wow! I have never had to ask my husband to open a door or to help me with the groceries, ever! Not once in 29 years. I guess this is what happens when little boys think they're men?

That being said, OP it sounds like your marriage is really polluted with sibling rivalry instead of a spirit of team work.

IF your husband treated you the way you wished him to... How would you treat him differently?

Instead of cussing at him and treating him disrespectfully, why not treat him with admiration, adoration and kindness no matter what he does or doesn't do for you? Try that for a month straight and see if that doesn't bring out the Prince in him.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You need more time together. Essentially, your husband has a wife one day per week. Not enough time to engender loving feelings.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Sorry if your feeling attacked.

with that said.

YOU came here looking to improve things not him YOU are the one (maybe the stronger wiser one) that see this isn't what a marriage is suppost be be.

you can only change yourself and sometime changing yourself(revaulating priorities) will make a huge difference.

kill him with kindness and hope he returns the kindness to you. your frustration with him is make you seem demanding and is not working to get him to see the light so to speak. maybe a different aproach would work better.

On another note how the sex life? I ask because if he feels your not meeting his need for sex He could be indifferent to trying to meet your needs. Lots of people feel that if he loves me he will put up with being turned down over and over again because your too busy working or have hidden resentment built up.

I respect that you found this place and are trying to make your marriage better, that you realise that something is off in your marriage and that you are being pro active looking for solutions.But alot of times when people come here they are so defencive that they fail to see their part in the problem try to have an open mind and realise that a marriage take a huge effort on both partners and its a give and take type of dynamic.

Best of luck to you and your husband!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> Sorry if your feeling attacked.
> 
> with that said.
> 
> ...



This is sadly true!

Even those of who are practically perfect in every way, ahem, have areas in which we need to improve ourselves in order to improve our relationship.

Someone has to start and since you're the one here, we vote for you to start.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

mymooser said:


> Respect is a need of mine that he is not fulfilling. Undevoted attention is another.
> 
> This is a large issue in my eyes. And I have a hard time understanding why I'm being told that I shouldn't feel that way.
> When he doesn't take the time to respond to a call, vm, text or email I'm not getting his attention. When it happens repeatedly that I get frustrated = why I was sarcastic.
> ...


I'm not telling you that at ALL.

What I am telling you (as are SO many others) is that IF you treat him like you have no respect, that is what you will get back.

I think that you both should have a very long heart-to-heart. He should offer things like opening doors, but at the same time, when he doesn't - swearing and berating are completely uncalled for.

Like I said "As ye sow, so shall ye reap."

I hope not to offend you, but on here, there are REALLY big issues that people are dealing with. To many of us, this frankly seems paltry.

Best of luck, and I sincerely hope that you TWO can work it out...


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

chillymorn said:


> Sorry if your feeling attacked.
> 
> with that said.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

*THIS!!!*


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