# Intimacy after an affair?



## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

My partner and I are about 3 1/2 months into our reconciliation efforts after his EA/PA. Overall things are going well and the relationship is the strongest it's been, but I feel like every few weeks we hit a difficult obstacle. Right now the obstacle is our physical relationship.

My partner has been on a different time line for processing how the physical part of his A affects our relationship. Initially he didn't understand why I was so hung up on the details of his physical relationship with the OW. I felt like our lackluster sex life leading up the affair was a contributing factor but he disagreed. I don't think he was ready to admit his sexual attraction to another person - he insisted that she pressured him into sex and he always needed alcohol to follow through. I think admitting his own desire brought up too much shame and disgust. I worked on my own hangups through couples therapy and I have a sort of "uneasy truce" with the fact that he was physical with someone else. I don't like it but I accept it.

A few weeks ago I mentioned wanting to work on our intimate life, to make it as strong and exciting as the rest of our relationship. He wanted to take that slowly as he was adjusting to a medication that has sexual side effects. Well, the side effects are no more, but he is still not ready to deal with these issues and I'm a bit worried.

I mentioned last night that he seemed a little withdrawn or disengaged during sex. He said that he was trying to avoid doing or saying anything that would trigger me to think about him with the OW (I have read some fairly graphic chat logs between them). I told him that I had moved beyond that sort of thing. I tried to gently ask if there were other reasons he was holding back. He got very angry and defensive and didn't want to talk about it. The reaction was very visceral - he said thinking about it makes him feel half numb and half like he wants to "curl up in a ball and die" or "stab himself in the stomach."

I told him we didn't have to talk about it then but that it seemed important to deal with. I'm worried he's avoiding/repressing his feelings because he's afraid of all the guilt, disgust and shame. I feel like I've already worked through those feelings, but he hasn't yet. He has a history of avoidance related to ADHD so it just worries me. We agreed to talk about the issues in our next therapy session in a few weeks.

Anyone else had a partner who was unable to face this part of their actions? I think he is just genuinely disgusted with himself and I can't really mitigate those feelings or reassure him in any way because it WAS disgusting and degrading. But he can't hate himself for it forever.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

_ worked on my own hangups through couples therapy and I have a sort of "uneasy truce" with the fact that he was physical with someone else. I don't like it but I accept it._

Kudos to you for doing that. I, too, have done that myself with my H's PA so I know what strength it takes to do so. 

I think you may be on to something about dealing with his own disgust and guilt and I think it's a good idea to discuss during your next session. Hopefully doing so in that outlet will help him sort through his issues and let you guys reconnect in your intimate relationship as well.


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## Beninyourshoes (Jul 31, 2009)

Just a thought but maybe he is afraid to get back in tune with his sexual desires for fear that he may not be able to channel those thoughts only to you.

I know that my wife has had a low libido and I have often thought about asking her to get some medication that would help out in that area but I am afraid, do to lack of knowledge, that she would be horny all the time and want to satisfy those needs even though I may not be around. I have expressed my concerns with her about that and she thinks I am crazy and no way would she ever do the things she has done to me again.

I will say this, our relationship in the bed room has never been better. I had a hard time looking at her in the same way after finding out about her A. but we have been truly talking to each other laying in the bed after the kids go to sleep and feeling close to each other. I think you just take it slow, don't really talk about getting intimate but just let things flow naturally and slowly work your way into some foreplay and he will come around. A lot of reassurance that you love him will go a long way also. I know my wife is/was ashamed of herself but we are rebuilding. You guys can do it too, just start dating again, and falling in love again like it was the first time.


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