# Very Ffustrated With Our Intimacy



## JourneyOn (Aug 10, 2014)

Hi everyone,

I wanted to post this because I need some opinions. I'm aware there are other posts with frustrated women like me, but I had some details that may help others to give input to my situation. 

I'm a 28 year old woman married to a 36 year old man. We've been together for almost 11 years now and married for almost a year. He was my first actual long term relationship. Our sex life is very unsatisfactory to me and it's driving me crazy at this point. When we first met, it wasn't an issue and I think I really started realizing the decline some years ago, but definitely within the past 3 years. I love being intimate even though I've never had an orgasm. I desperately miss passion in my life.

Healthwise, I am slim and was blessed with a fast metabolism/figure so I make sure I don't go over 120 lbs at nearly 5'7 (currently 117). I didn't lose my figure, so that can't be the reason for the decline. My husband is slim but he doesn't take care of himself that much (slim with potbelly) due to drinking beers every night (at least 7 cans), and he smokes heavily. He's a professional with a stressful job, so I don't say anything about that. He likes to play video games for hours as well after work. 

Sometimes, I have to leave for a week or so every month to help my sister and our sick mom who has a lot of health issues. That has been hard and I think that has paid a toll on our marriage (he doesn't like when I have to leave). 

~EVERY TIME we watch a movie or show with a sex scene on, he'll either shift to smoke a cigarette, fast-forward the scene, shift to take a swig of beer, get up to go to get another beer or start talking to me to shift the attention away from the scene. I noticed this for years now and never told him I observed it. I find this very strange because he has no problem watching GB porn when I'm not there. Men, can you help me understand this? 

He knows I have vibrators and I don't hide that. He's never said anything about being offended or threatened by them. He wouldn't be interested in joining me if he knew I were using one either.

He is a good man. He gives me kisses every day and tells me he loves me every day and it's reciprocated. However, sexually... there is hardly anything. It's sad when I get more attention/looks from other men than my husband. I really don't know if it's related to vessels (low blood circulation), low testosterone, just not sexually attracted anymore, etc? I've come to him before about my feelings, however I don't want to keep bringing it up to him or make him feel forced. I refuse to beg for sex. Am I in the wrong? Do I sound too needy or entitled? Am I expecting too much? I know sex changes in a long term relationship/ marriage, but 1 a month is too little. I really feel like he's no longer sexually attracted to me anymore and I feel like he married me to settle. 

Sometimes I think I was too young to get into a serious relationship because I didn't realize certain things before and occasionally wonder about "what ifs" with other guys who were interested while I was in a relationship. I don't want my frustration to turn into full blown resentment especially because we are mostly fine otherwise.

I'm sorry for the length, I just need some advice.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Sounds like stress has gotten the best of him. And possibly upbringing / culture.

Without going into the gory details, is his job secure? Advancement options? Decent paying? Stressful? Do you work? Children? Any family or cultural or religious skeletons in the closet?

Does he exercise? I'm not the world's most stressed man (far from it) but I started cycling 2 months ago and it has done wonders for my mind. There's something to be said when you put your life on your hands only. You focus on making it there and back, no beers, no smoking, no stress. Other forms of exercise like running are just as useful.


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## JourneyOn (Aug 10, 2014)

john117 said:


> Sounds like stress has gotten the best of him. And possibly upbringing / culture.
> 
> Without going into the gory details, is his job secure? Advancement options? Decent paying? Stressful? Do you work? Children? Any family or cultural or religious skeletons in the closet?
> 
> Does he exercise? I'm not the world's most stressed man (far from it) but I started cycling 2 months ago and it has done wonders for my mind. There's something to be said when you put your life on your hands only. You focus on making it there and back, no beers, no smoking, no stress. Other forms of exercise like running are just as useful.


Thank you so much for your post!

He is an attorney. It pays the bills, but it's stressful. + He has always said when I talked to him about the issue that he's had a long week and he's tired. I assist him in his office (I would prefer to work elsewhere, but I moved out here with him and there are much less opportunities), no children. He's not religious or has any real family skeletons that I'm aware of. 

He doesn't exercise. I've initiated the idea of doing a walk together every weekend. We walk together almost every weekend. I would love if he exercised more to keep him healthy and raise his energy. That's great you found the cycling beneficial!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Walking once a weekend is about as useful as sex once a month.

With his current lifestyle choices sex would be the least of my concerns. Stress and smoking would be.

I used to take daily walks with my wife. Only aggravated me more. Cycling is just me, the bike, and the occasional squirrel. That reduces stress. Spending an hour on the trail with my wife listening to her b!tching about her work was not quite the same


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Dr Pavlov once figured out that if he fed dogs treats while ringing a bell, later on he could get the dogs to drool with anticipation by just ringing the bell without the treats!

So, be the Dr Pavlov in your relationship. NExt time a romantic or sexy part of a movie is going on, come on to him. Start rubbing his inner thigh, accidentally stroke along his member....in other words make him feel sexually aroused every time he sees a sexy movie clip with you there. with some time and conditioning, he might just get a hard on the moment the romantic scene starts!


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

I would not rule out your orgasm situation as impacting his desire.

Many if not most men want to be confident that he can please his partner.

I have felt that anxiety and let me tell you that it is a surprisingly powerful feeling that takes a lot of communication and caring to keep in perspective within the relationship..

Stretch


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So he's an alcoholic, a heavy smoker, you've never had an orgasm with him, and the frequency of sex with him dropped off three years ago. So why did you marry him last year?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening JourneyOn
Does he try to give you an orgasm when you have sex? Have you tried letting him use a vibrator on you - maybe during intercourse? Does he seem to enjoy sex when you do have sex?

His wanting to fast forward through intimate scenes in movies but watch porn is strange. GB = gang bang, or something else? Has he ever watched porn with you? 


You are NOT expecting to much. A happy exciting sex life should be part of a marriage and is part of a happy marriage. I don't think it is anything at all about you, or anything you are doing or not doing. 

I understand just how incredibly frustrating this is - I was in this situation for a long time and it is really awful. You might read some of the HD/LD (high desire / low desire) threads on this site - this issue is discussed a lot and seems to be a big problem in many marriages.


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

Hello Journeyon What a bummer that you are going through this. Drinking beers every night and smoking cigs like mad is a huge concern ( I use to party like a rock star years ago) ,and it will affect your life big time I would try to get him to make some lifestyle changes without it causing an argument.

Also does he have trouble getting erections due to these bad habits? I have had friends do similar things like this and there problem came from thinking that there penis was too small and they became very self conscious and could not perform for there partner.
Does he go down on you to help you reach the top?

As far as Gang Bang porn goes. This is just what he is into and most likely is a fantasy for him. 

Maybe try what murpy recommended sounds like a good plan.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

PBear said:


> So he's an alcoholic, a heavy smoker, you've never had an orgasm with him, and the frequency of sex with him dropped off three years ago. So why did you marry him last year?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree

This one will require more "looking in the mirror" OP than it will "looking at him".

How in the world did you accept it and made a LIFETIME commitment based on above.

As for lack of orgasm, do you know how make yourself have orgasm? MILLIONS of women out there that CANNOT have orgasm with penetration only. You are NOT the only one.

What you need to figure out is how (usually stimulating clit) and then make sure that he actually wants to work with you.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

journeyOn, is it possible for you to have an orgasm with either masturbation or vibrators? If so, have HIM give you one with the same technique. Be easy going about it, do not pressure him. Have him do it again and again over a few weeks period of time. After he has proven that he can give you an orgasm THAT way....step it up. Get him some Viagra, and let him try PIV. If it fails to get you going, switch over from PIV after he cums to a sex toy for you to cum. 

You want him to develop confidence that he can get you to orgasms. You just need to figure out what it will take, and teach him the technique. I don't care if it involves smearing your boobs with chocolate pudding and him licking them, do whatever it takes for you to cum, and encourage him to experiment more and more as he gets more skilled and confident.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Do not hesitate to tell him your needs, especially when it comes to intimacy. If you are not happy now, what happens if he feels forced to give you more intimacy? You won't be as unhappy and he will be unhappy because he needs to give you attention and intimacy?

Is that the life you want to live? A life where you feel bad for wanting intimacy and/or you feel bad asking for more intimacy from the person that is supposed to take care of all your intimate needs. 

You aren't wrong for wanting your intimacy needs met. No-one that understands how a true happy relationship works will tell you to stop needing too much intimacy, it's bad for your marriage. Communicate with him and let him know.


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

Coldie said:


> Do not hesitate to tell him your needs, especially when it comes to intimacy. If you are not happy now, what happens if he feels forced to give you more intimacy? You won't be as unhappy and he will be unhappy because he needs to give you attention and intimacy?
> 
> Is that the life you want to live? A life where you feel bad for wanting intimacy and/or you feel bad asking for more intimacy from the person that is supposed to take care of all your intimate needs.
> 
> You aren't wrong for wanting your intimacy needs met. No-one that understands how a true happy relationship works will tell you to stop needing too much intimacy, it's bad for your marriage. Communicate with him and let him know.


:iagree:

Yup you have to let your feelings out. Do not let them build up it will only drive you crazy. I'm going through problems as well with my SO and we are slowly making changes. We are now heading for MC to help us through our roadblocks.


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## COfan (Oct 4, 2012)

So there could be a number of reasons this is happening. It's possible your husband doesn't even know why his interest has diminished. I recently read this article and found it to be really helpful: Help me understand why my husband's sex drive is so low and why he doesn't seem to want to fix it. Hopefully, it'll provide you with some insight and get you two to seek out answers from professionals. Good luck!


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## JourneyOn (Aug 10, 2014)

Stretch said:


> I would not rule out your orgasm situation as impacting his desire.
> 
> Many if not most men want to be confident that he can please his partner.
> 
> ...


Well, he was aware of it early on even when the sex was much more frequent. He never showed any signs of it bothering him. It hasn't been brought back up since then.




PBear said:


> So he's an alcoholic, a heavy smoker, you've never had an orgasm with him, and the frequency of sex with him dropped off three years ago. So why did you marry him last year?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He is a person who means well and he has never physically or emotionally abused me. He is a good person and I know he works hard. He was my first love, so that is another factor. Maybe I was naïve, but I thought things could get better. As for the orgasm situation, I can't even make my own self orgasm, so I can't expect him to.


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## JourneyOn (Aug 10, 2014)

john117 said:


> Walking once a weekend is about as useful as sex once a month.
> 
> With his current lifestyle choices sex would be the least of my concerns. Stress and smoking would be.
> 
> I used to take daily walks with my wife. Only aggravated me more. Cycling is just me, the bike, and the occasional squirrel. That reduces stress. Spending an hour on the trail with my wife listening to her b!tching about her work was not quite the same


You're right. I don't like his health habits. I'm trying to be less angry about this whole situation and try and help him be less stressed out.

I hear you. It's good to get out by yourself. I like to take walks by myself too to help alleviate stress and just have inner peace.



richardsharpe said:


> Good evening JourneyOn
> Does he try to give you an orgasm when you have sex? Have you tried letting him use a vibrator on you - maybe during intercourse? Does he seem to enjoy sex when you do have sex?
> 
> His wanting to fast forward through intimate scenes in movies but watch porn is strange. GB = gang bang, or something else? Has he ever watched porn with you?
> ...


He does what he can, but he's never asked me if I orgasmed. Years ago, when I brought up that I never orgasmed before, he said we could work on it, but he's never asked me. Before, I've let him try the vibrator with me, but it felt awkward. Now that I'm older and know more of what I want, I want to bring the vibrator back in the bedroom. He seems to like sex when it happens. 

Yes, GB=gang bang. Years ago (probably our second year together) I suggested we watch a porn together and it only happened that one time. It was fun though. I don't mind if he watches porn and he still is interested in sex. I do feel annoyed if he watches porn and he's not interested in sex. 

Thank you, I have started reading some of the other threads. Between this forum and some other articles I've been reading, I've learned that this is quite an issue with a lot of couples. I usually am used to hearing about husbands wanting more from their wives and not the other way around.


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## JourneyOn (Aug 10, 2014)

DoF said:


> I agree
> 
> This one will require more "looking in the mirror" OP than it will "looking at him".
> 
> ...


I basically felt like things could probably get better. He was my first love, we've been together for so long and he's a good person. I think I was very naïve though when I first got into the relationship and when I look back at things, I don't think I should have gotten into a serious relationship so young. I still think he's a good person.

It's something I'm working on by myself. If I can't make myself orgasm, I can't expect him to. I think that I could with someone that was more sexually compatible with me. A part of it is miscommunication on my part. I need to be more comfortable in telling him what I want sexually.


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## JourneyOn (Aug 10, 2014)

Juice said:


> Hello Journeyon What a bummer that you are going through this. Drinking beers every night and smoking cigs like mad is a huge concern ( I use to party like a rock star years ago) ,and it will affect your life big time I would try to get him to make some lifestyle changes without it causing an argument.
> 
> Also does he have trouble getting erections due to these bad habits? I have had friends do similar things like this and there problem came from thinking that there penis was too small and they became very self conscious and could not perform for there partner.
> Does he go down on you to help you reach the top?
> ...


Thanks everyone in this thread for their insight. It's really appreciated. 

Yes, I want to try and encourage him to be a little more physically active.

He doesn't have erectile problems. He doesn't go down on me because I stopped him years ago. It wasn't doing anything for me (but I didn't tell him that it wasn't making me aroused!).


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## JourneyOn (Aug 10, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> journeyOn, is it possible for you to have an orgasm with either masturbation or vibrators? If so, have HIM give you one with the same technique. Be easy going about it, do not pressure him. Have him do it again and again over a few weeks period of time. After he has proven that he can give you an orgasm THAT way....step it up. Get him some Viagra, and let him try PIV. If it fails to get you going, switch over from PIV after he cums to a sex toy for you to cum.
> 
> You want him to develop confidence that he can get you to orgasms. You just need to figure out what it will take, and teach him the technique. I don't care if it involves smearing your boobs with chocolate pudding and him licking them, do whatever it takes for you to cum, and encourage him to experiment more and more as he gets more skilled and confident.


No, it's something I'm working on. It's frustrating and sad, but I'm trying to work on it (I don't take it out on him about it though... if I can't do it then I can't expect him to). I think I just have a problem with letting go. However, I've come to the realization that I'd like to bring the vibrator back in the bedroom to help me get closer. What is PIV? 

I need to communicate with him more about what I want in the bedroom. Hopefully things will turn out.


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## JourneyOn (Aug 10, 2014)

Coldie said:


> Do not hesitate to tell him your needs, especially when it comes to intimacy. If you are not happy now, what happens if he feels forced to give you more intimacy? You won't be as unhappy and he will be unhappy because he needs to give you attention and intimacy?
> 
> Is that the life you want to live? A life where you feel bad for wanting intimacy and/or you feel bad asking for more intimacy from the person that is supposed to take care of all your intimate needs.
> 
> You aren't wrong for wanting your intimacy needs met. No-one that understands how a true happy relationship works will tell you to stop needing too much intimacy, it's bad for your marriage. Communicate with him and let him know.





Juice said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Yup you have to let your feelings out. Do not let them build up it will only drive you crazy. I'm going through problems as well with my SO and we are slowly making changes. We are now heading for MC to help us through our roadblocks.


No, and that's why I don't want to keep bringing it up because I don't want him to feel pressured to have sex if he doesn't want to. I'd feel terrible about that.

You're both definitely right. I haven't been letting my feelings out all the way most of the time and it eats at me. I have a bad habit of doing this, but he's also someone who holds in things too. We are both poor communicators with each other when it comes to more serious issues. The thing is, I felt like this situation was really a problem and he never addresses it until I do. I'm not sure how many times I can keep addressing this and nothing changes...and I will admit I get distant from him when I feel like he's not interested. I'm trying to tell myself not to be so upset and help him more with dealing with stress (if that really is the issue with why he's not interested in sex), but it's hard. If I'm distant from him, he'll ask me if anything is on my mind and most of the time I don't tell him (I know, that's a problem) because I try not to burden people with my feelings. However, sometimes it gets to be too much. So yes, improving on communication is definitely the step I'm working on.


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## JourneyOn (Aug 10, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> Dr Pavlov once figured out that if he fed dogs treats while ringing a bell, later on he could get the dogs to drool with anticipation by just ringing the bell without the treats!
> 
> So, be the Dr Pavlov in your relationship. NExt time a romantic or sexy part of a movie is going on, come on to him. Start rubbing his inner thigh, accidentally stroke along his member....in other words make him feel sexually aroused every time he sees a sexy movie clip with you there. with some time and conditioning, he might just get a hard on the moment the romantic scene starts!


Thank you for the suggestion! Hopefully I can get some type of success from this.



COfan said:


> So there could be a number of reasons this is happening. It's possible your husband doesn't even know why his interest has diminished. I recently read this article and found it to be really helpful: Help me understand why my husband's sex drive is so low and why he doesn't seem to want to fix it. Hopefully, it'll provide you with some insight and get you two to seek out answers from professionals. Good luck!


Thank you for the link! I need all the help I can get. 

Thanks again everyone for their insight! I hope all of us in this situation can see the light.


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

PIV= penis in vagina

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How much effort have you made to try to figure out why you can't orgasm? Maybe he feels that since you're not getting full enjoyment from it, then you don't really want/need it? Just hypothesizing...

And there's lots of good , well meaning people who don't abuse you... Doesn't mean they'd be good candidates to be married to you. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

definitely a vibrator would be a good idea! Fun Factory delight and Doc Johnson lucid dream are really good ones to try. 

If you are thinking it is some mental inhibition, get a cheap pair of Velcro handcuffs on amazon, have your husband tie your hands behind your back, and have him use the vibrators on you. You will be "in his control", dominated, no choice in cuming or not, so your mind will be relieved of any decision making. Maybe you can orgasm then?


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## JourneyOn (Aug 10, 2014)

Thanks for the clarification. 

As for how much effort, I've been trying for years now and many times I want to give up because I end up frustrated and in tears. It's really a shame. I have used vibrators for well over an hour and I get really close, I just think I have to get over my fear of letting go. I've been reading Tantric Sexuality for Women and starting to get into Kundalini yoga to help arrange my energies a little better. I've tried taking iron to help my blood and perhaps better circulation. I've tried porn, I've tried erotic meditation. Rabbits, butterflies and regular vibrators aren't helping me so my next step is a Hitachi and working on why I can't seem to let go, lol. I said though, in a previous post I feel I probably could with someone who is more sexually compatible with me. I don't think me not orgasming has any real effect with him. Years ago when I brought up that he never asked me if I come and I told him I've never orgasms, he said its something we can work on. However, it was never brought up and he has never asked me if I came. I work on this issue by myself. 

The handcuffs are a good idea... I actually had a pair from 2003 or so and we haven't used them since probably 2004. I might have to get another pair because I have no idea where the keys are! You are on to something as well Murphy, because I really do like being dominated in the bedroom which makes me turned on the most, but I don't get that feeling. Every time we are intimate, I'm usually on top for the majority of the time. This ties again into me not speaking up enough about what I want in the bedroom.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you considered the two of you going to a sex therapist?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

well he does not have to *be* dominant..he just has to *play like he is *dominant! Tell him what to do, and make sure he does it right.

Also, you might consider some really sexy/****ty lingerie. It has a powerful effect on YOUR mind...even just sliding on those thigh high mesh stockings gets you part of the way there.

as far as a vibrator for an hour getting you almost there....sounds like you need just a little moreto get over the edge. Use the vibrator, and when you come close...have him start to suck and pull gently on your nipples. That will probably do it. If you are too sensitive, wear a shear top, and have him rub your nipples thru the silky fabric instead.


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## JourneyOn (Aug 10, 2014)

PBear, I did consider the thought of a sex therapist before. I'm currently trying to take care of the issue myself for now until I really feel I might need some extra help in getting a hold of my problem with letting go. I see potential in Kundalini, so I'm giving that a lot of effort. Murphy, yes I admit I haven't worn my really sexy lingerie in quite a while, so I need to get those out. You have really great spicy tips, lol!

We had a serious discussion and it was a load of a lot better after we expressed ourselves. It was really what we needed. He knew I was unhappy and he said he would be willing to go to someone together if needed. However, being that we talked, I don't think we will need to see a therapist, we are just working on better communication (especially me). He pointed out some things that I didn't realize I was doing (I wasn't as cuddly with him at bedtime anymore as I used to be and I got into the habit of sleeping further away from him, for one example). I really didn't realize this until he told me, so I'm grateful he made me aware of it so I can go back to sleeping closer to him in his arms. It was basically just a lot of miscommunication and misunderstanding and a lot of my fears were put to rest. We connected very well emotionally and physically already as well!

Thanks again to everyone with the advice! Communication is so crucial.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

If he fast forwards the sexy parts in movies, he is likely uncomfortable with what YOU are thinking during these parts. Tell him you want to see these parts....and be comfortable with them in front of him. Make sure he knows you are ok with watching sexy scenes.

The thing that stood out to me from your opening post is that he is choosing beer, cigarettes and video games over you, his wife. I know he has a stressful life, but there are other ways to work out the stress. You could both exercise together, both go for a walk together....or better yet, buy a massage table and give each other massages on occasion. They can be therapeutic or turn naughty when necessary. 

Beer, cigarettes, and stress can likely lead to ED problems. Who wants that? Just my two cents. 

Good luck to you!


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