# Is it wrong to be the cheetah, and not the gazelle??



## applelemon (Jan 17, 2012)

Men what do ya think?

Is it wrong that I WANT to chase after the men I am interested in? Is it wrong that I want to be the cheetah out for my prey? It's too boring to be a gazelle. Not that being a gazelle isn't great and all. I mean, I have men calling me to go out but when I start getting "chased", I start losing interest. It's too.... easy because I know they are there already waiting for me. I need some mystery and fun to my love life.

It's easy to just graze in the open land and wait to pass by a nice patch of grass, but that just doesn't do it for me. I need the thrill of the chase. My friend who I always go to for advice has been largely opposing my "ways" of men. She says that, "Men are supposed to be chasing you, NOT you chasing them." I see what she is saying but, it's not like I'm out desperately out there (literally) chasing men. Yes, I said cheetah but I'm not looking for my next meal :rofl:. 

I know that men like the thrill of the chase too. I suppose it's embedded in their DNA as well. As for me, I've always been like this too, it's not like I'm hitting some sort of crisis. 

I just need to know, if this is something inherently WRONG. As a woman, am I not allowed to be playing the role of the cheetah? Should I just stick to the boring old gazelle? :scratchhead:


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

The lioness does the hunting.

The king of the jungle has no issue with it.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Mistys dad said:


> The lioness does the hunting.
> 
> The king of the jungle has no issue with it.


Seen many lions hunting for his own pride. Seen males seeing off the pride's alpha male to become the new alpha. Seen alpha lionesses seeing off male prentenders because they don’t have the balls to dominate her and become the alpha.


But I’ve never seen a lioness hunting/chasing a lion, alpha or not.


As far as I’m concerned I move away from women who chase me. Just doesn’t seem natural at all.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

applelemon said:


> Men what do ya think?
> 
> Is it wrong that I WANT to chase after the men I am interested in? Is it wrong that I want to be the cheetah out for my prey? It's too boring to be a gazelle. Not that being a gazelle isn't great and all. I mean, I have men calling me to go out but when I start getting "chased", I start losing interest. It's too.... easy because I know they are there already waiting for me. I need some mystery and fun to my love life.
> 
> ...


I think you're stuck in a dichotomy of species here: prey vs. huntress. Maybe learn the art of camoflauge, flirtful dodging, scouting, hiding in the herd, and of course, there is a lot to be learned from watching that show about prarie dogs. (I forget what it was, but it was really fun.) There are ways to be evasive and to chase without being overt about it. Hunting and being hunted is more fun when you are not overly ravenous and whatever is hunting you is not overly ravenous. It could be that you need to change your selection of environment to one where the native inhabitants are well fed (emotionally). Species with flexible strategies tend to do better, because they can adapt. Species with set strategies end up always eating the same thing: say, mice. That's all they can catch, because the better tasting prey might be larger and less desperate.  And if you're letting a rat catch you and you're a mouse, you're not letting yourself be hunted fairly. You can CHOOSE who pursues you. I think that's what you might be missing. Signalling the chase is just a different sort of chasing. And, it's more fun if it's a friendly game, I mean, you don't want to be gobbled up, metaphorically, maybe you just want a playful nibble. It's better to choose friends before signalling a chase. That way you know what to expect when you're caught, at least, sort of. It's always fun to be surprised, if you're truly 'caught'. You have to understand what it is you're 'chasing'. If what you're chasing wants to 'catch' it's prey, you have to put some thought into how to attract it, and don't disappoint by getting caught only once. That's like false advertising. There's nothing so disinteresting to a cat than something that doesn't give up a good chase.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I think it’s a lot to do with “nesting”. When we’re young and looking to have a family anyway. In many ways women think long term, very long term. Like the courting getting to know you phase, the setting up home ready for children phase, the having children and nurturing them phase. In all about 20 years, two decades worth of forward planning and thinking.

The initial courtship phase has a lot more to do with chemistry than many realise. There’s stuff that goes on that we’re only just aware of, most of it happens at the sub conscious level. And us humans have, feel, emotions that we simply aren’t aware of. Again it’s at the subconscious level.




And then of course a woman is never ever caught unless she wants to be. So if she wants to be caught by a particular man then she will most certainly fish for him. But it’s typically extremely subtle fishing using various, different types of baits. There’s a whole lot of body language that the woman who wants to get “caught” puts out to her “prey”. And most times her prey walks blindly into her trap, as though mesmerised or in a trance, hypnotised. But again all this can go on at the subconscious level in that men and women can subconsciously flirt with one another.



In addition to the body language signals given out there’s also the behaviour over time. The woman who wants a particular man will ensure there are coincidental meetings, she’ll go to places she know he frequents.

But I feel most men are blind to these things and that seems to be the case. Some say a woman who wants a man will signal to him for up to five times in one way or another. If he hasn’t caught on by the fifth time she doesn’t send any more signals and moves on.



But a woman who hunts like a man? Not for me.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

applelemon said:


> Men what do ya think?
> 
> Is it wrong that I WANT to chase after the men I am interested in? Is it wrong that I want to be the cheetah out for my prey? It's too boring to be a gazelle. Not that being a gazelle isn't great and all. I mean, I have men calling me to go out but when I start getting "chased", I start losing interest. It's too.... easy because I know they are there already waiting for me. I need some mystery and fun to my love life.
> 
> ...


Nothing wrong with you. You're being you. Don't play into what's expected of you because you're a woman. Sure you'll turn off AFEH but that's a good thing because you two aren't compatible. Just be yourself.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Some guys would really appreciate the directness. But if he is from the business world, mentioning that particular analogy might make him turn white and bolt back to work instead. I remember when sales went sky high, and our VP flew the corporate jet down to my location to visit little ole' me, and warned me what life would be like on the unemployment line if I was the slow gazelle. I still get ghost shivers remembering that incident.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Just be yourself...whatever that entails!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

It’s probably more about compatibility than anything else. In my teens I had a young woman after me. She’d always hang around me at work insisting that I date her but I wasn’t interested, as I say it’s a turn off for me so I gently turned her off. I was really surprised some time later to learn she was dating a cousin of mine. They got married and had six children. He’s a very successful snr manager in a large multinational. He does like dominant women. They eventually divorced and his second wife is even more dominant than the first. I’ve only met her on a few occasions for short periods of time. But each time she tried to dominate, tried to control. I don’t like it at all, it’s just not for me. But one man’s medicine and all that.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

applelemon said:


> Men what do ya think?
> 
> Is it wrong that I WANT to chase after the men I am interested in? Is it wrong that I want to be the cheetah out for my prey? It's too boring to be a gazelle. Not that being a gazelle isn't great and all. I mean, I have men calling me to go out but when I start getting "chased", I start losing interest. It's too.... easy because I know they are there already waiting for me. I need some mystery and fun to my love life.
> 
> ...


 The world is full of all different types, thankfully. It is about compatability...

Although my husband DID put himself out there for me, he was never the type to care for this "chasing thing" that most men have in their DNA. He told me had I said "No' when he asked me to go with him days after we met, He would have been crushed but just... walked away, he wouldn't have tried again. I was like .....WHAT !! Really ?! .....I remember having this conversation with him & kinda felt let down he would have given up THAT easily....I even asked him what is wrong with him ! His answer is ...He will only "politely ask" & when rejected- he's DONE, the lady has spoken, he is not a glutton for punishment. He simply never had any interest in *the chase *at all...but he was one of the Shy guys...not Mr Confidence -conquer them as you ride past on your horse. 

My older son admits he is like his dad in this area, he doesn't enjoy "*the chase*" either, once rejected, he's done.....but at the same time, he still feels the man *should *do the INITIAL pursuing, the asking out, the asking to marry type thing -he strongly feels that is his place as a man. He has said though, women who come on "too stong" turn him off. 

Even my 3rd son- he just got a GF , he is rather introverted, it took 2 girls in art class to say " Hey....so & so likes you, go over there & ask her out"...so he did, but I swear he needed a kick in the butt to do it. I know he would have loved her to do it ! 

My 2nd son is more outgoing, popular, a bit of an ego, more of a risk taker, he has complained about the drama of girls coming after him, he doesn't like it. 

I feel if you are this type of woman, you may have better success with the shyer - backwards men who might appreciate it more. But then the question is ....do you like that type? Given what you say here "It's too.... easy because I know they are there already waiting for me. I need some mystery and fun to my love life", anything "stable" might slide into Boring? 



It seems many of the High confident Alphas tend to see this as "desperate" somehow, they feel it is their place in dominance...plus they generally have women at their feet anyway, you will likely be one of many. But for the shyer unattached man, it could be like an ego boost in getting him to come out of his shell .... they need the more fiesty aggressive broads......how I see it anyway. I've always had a thing for the shy boys myself. 

I did a thread on this subject once, but took it down, cause I felt like my husband sounded rather strange in comparison to all the replies I got from men LOVING *the chase*, that conquering spirit that drives them -to win their prey. My husband would be quite content letting the women come after him -he'd say Glory to that. 

Even though I am bit aggressive myself, I tend to still THINK like your girlfriend, that men should do the initial pursuing ...In dating, I would have to suspend that part of myself...the most I would allow myself to be was friendly, try not to be overly so....I expect the man to take the lead in showing he wants a woman, If I felt the least bit slighted, I wouldn't put myself back in that situation, I'd be off....I figure a man has to have enough balls to put himself out there -especially if you have been friends, or are communicating in some way...... once he does that though, and I know I am his "chosen"......look out.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think you should do whatever you want, Apple.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I have two dogs. They love to wrestle with each other, and fight over toys. Playful fights, not vicious fights. One will grab a stuffed duck and run with it, the other chases and tries to get the duck. Eventually he gets it and the roles reverse.

They have a lot of fun chasing each other around.

It wouldn't be fun for either dog if only one of them ever had the duck.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> I think you should do whatever you want, Apple.


I like your posts JB and wondered how you came to the above conclusion. So I looked into other posts by Applelemon.





Applelemon looks as though you are just out of an abusive marriage, physical abuse as well as emotional abuse.


For my mind it is way too early for you to even think on a new relationship plus it looks as though you are not even divorced. If you do actually “chase and catch” another man I reckon all you’ll do is walk right into yet another abusive relationship.


Because you haven’t given yourself time, time to heal your wounds and time to work out exactly how you came to be with an abusive man in the first place, why you stayed with him and why you want to maintain contact with him as friends even though there are no children involved.


Because of those things all you will do is “repeat the cycle” over again. You are still young. Live by yourself and support yourself for a while until you’ve healed yourself and you’ve worked out what is what and what you really want in your life.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

AFEH said:


> I like your posts JB and wondered how you came to the above conclusion. So I looked into other posts by Applelemon.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Definitely food for thought...


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Mistys dad said:


> The lioness does the hunting.
> 
> The king of the jungle has no issue with it.


unless she fails then he eats her babbies!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> unless she fails then he eats her babbies!


Wrong. So very wrong but good luck to you.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> Definitely food for thought...


Why?


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

applelemon said:


> My friend who I always go to for advice has been largely opposing my "ways" of men. She says that, "Men are supposed to be chasing you, NOT you chasing them."


I suspect that is rationalizing what is largely a female ego protective mechanism.

Playing a passive role means you don't put yourself out there and risk the hurt to your ego of possible rejection.

Isn't that really what your friend is saying?



Anyways, women don't really need to chase.

What women need to do is give indicators of interest.

If you constantly avert eye contact and look anywhere but his direction and freeze up in his presence, then it will be hard for him to tell that you are interested.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

AFEH said:


> I like your posts JB and wondered how you came to the above conclusion. So I looked into other posts by Applelemon.
> 
> Applelemon looks as though you are just out of an abusive marriage, physical abuse as well as emotional abuse.
> 
> ...


I am in a similar position and agree with this entirely. Also from a man's POV it would seem to me that no one man would want the responsibility of making good for someone else's abuse - it's really too much to ask for in a relationship, and I mean, really, too much. That's not what relationships are meant for.

It's also good to date and to get used to handling rejection both on the receiving and the giving end, understand that rejection doesn't mean not liking someone in a genuine sense (you should never date people you don't like! or want to get to know a little bit better...) but simply learning to communicate that even if someone wants to be caught, you might not want to keep them. The skill in dating them comes from putting them back where you found them, not only unscathed but feeling the better for it. Every date that someone goes on is something new they learn about themselves, and a bigger understanding of a world beyond their own personal horizons. I think it would kind of nice if more people took the time to do lunches with acquaintances...without the implication of developing friendships with bonds, but just to chat and get to know each other better. I've had the opportunity to do a lot of this, and sometimes the line between dating and social lunching gets blurred. This is probably a good thing, when a person lives in a relatively small social world. It builds tact and diplomacy skills. As well as (ready for it?) your reputation. Even when married, social reputation and reliability counts for a lot, life doesn't end after marriage, and marriages end in ways other than abuse, divorce, cheating. 

Most of all, dating and social dates of all kinds build trust in yourself. Often when I go out to a venue, I treat myself as I would treat a date or a friend. I make sure I do things for myself that make me feel secure, and on the way home, I check in with myself to make sure I had a pleasant evening, and what might have been done differently. I find that while out, I am a better companion for my friends, I naturally treat them the same way I treat myself. There are more hugs, more smiles, more genuine greetings and more intimate conversations (not sexual, but intimate, friendly, confessional, hilarious...). Once you have got used to that, it is difficult to settle for less, and it also makes it easier to identify what you might call 'prey' or to become 'prey' for sport of course, among friends. 

I wouldn't rely on a single relationship to recover from abuse. Really, you have nothing to prove. Just do as suggested and be yourself, but be aware of what you're doing, and be open to change if what you do doesn't work for you.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

I have been both chaser and chased. Do whatever feels right for you.

Personally I am usually attracted to gutsy women.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

AFEH said:


> Why?


Given her history, she probably needs to take a little time to work on herself - regardless of Cheetah or Gazelle.


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## applelemon (Jan 17, 2012)

Oh I've enjoyed all the replies. niceguy, AFEH, jellybeans thanks for keeping "updated" on my situation. Yes, I completely agree with what you mention about needing time to find what I like. I'm not jumping out at men as my original post may have suggested, haha! I'm in no hurry to get into a relationship. TRUST ME ON THAT  . I'm just playing out the dating scene once again.

I guess my analogy was a bit radical and mistaken. I wasn't really talking about how I should date. It was more of a question about if going for guys is a "no-no" for women. 

As most of you seem to suggest, it is okay for women to go for men (as it should be imho  ). 

Yes, I got out of a abusive relationship a few months back. To provide some (perhaps relative) background I was chased by my exH. He did all the things for our dating... psychologically maybe that could be a reason why I'm reluctant to go on dates with men who want to get to know me. 

I've always been a tiny bit aggressive with my dating though, I've never liked playing "the waiting game". I have very little patience for that. Currently I am hanging out with a guy, and we both make chases for each other...which is interesting because I've never had this before.

As for the cheetah reference, I get that a cheetah is a rather "ravenous" creature. I probably should not have used that as a analogy XD But the gazelle, definitely. I am not the type of person so sit around and wait for something to happen. I'm a result-oriented person in general so whatever I am, definitely NOT gazelle


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Applelemon, wives and husbands who have been abused in their marriage typically have very poor boundaries. As adults with poor boundaries we “let the abuse in”. You know, that husband or wife who’s been abused for years knows what the situation is yet still they let the abuse happen.

There are a few reasons for this. Some are codependents to the abuser, thinking they can change them. Rather like the abused husband or wife of an alcoholic. But in time the codependent concludes that a person can only change themselves.

Another reason is that the abuser has things the abused wants, in that the abuser has “value” for the abused. “Love” plays a large part in this in that the abused actually loves the abuser. But then there are many other gifts the abuser brings to the abused and in order not to lose these gifts the abused tolerates the abuse.



You have just come out of an abusive marriage. I think the biggest thing you can do for yourself is to create a healthy set of personal boundaries. Buy books on personal boundaries and take time to create your own. This will be a totally new experience for you and over time you will come to know yourself far better than you do at the moment.

We have personal boundaries to protect ourselves from others’ abuse and to prevent ourselves from abusing others. Our boundaries are our “rules of life” and in a very great way define our most fundamental character, who we are and what we stand for.



I think in a lot of cases abused people have low self-esteem and think the somehow “deserve” the abuse. That is of course very sad and the person must work on themselves to improve their self-esteem. But your self-esteem sounds ok, it may have dipped while with your H but has come back up to a healthy level.


Others who are abused do I think have low self-respect. “Wow if she respected herself she’d never put up with that!”. If you do have low self-respect then going through the process of building personal boundaries and learning how to enforce them in a mature way will most certainly additionally build your self-respect to a healthy level.








Once you have good personal boundaries, good self-esteem and good self-respect they will last you your lifetime because you will always continue to improve them and you’ll never let them go under any circumstances.






And if you are going out “hunting like a man” do not under any circumstances make yourself an easy woman. Because that will do the opposite of the above and you’ll end up with poor personal boundaries, low self-esteem and low self-respect.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

applelemon said:


> I just need to know, if this is something inherently WRONG. As a woman, am I not allowed to be playing the role of the cheetah? Should I just stick to the boring old gazelle? :scratchhead:


Never settle and never deny your nature. Just find the right prey. 

There are many men out there who love to be preyed on.

Happy hunting.


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## applelemon (Jan 17, 2012)

thanks


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