# separated a few days officially....couple of years really



## adji (Jul 9, 2015)

Hi 

Been busy reading here and I like what I've read, so I will leap in and share  wife just announced separation, she is adamant. She has said she loves and cares for me however she is unhappy and needs passion. Me too for that matter. 

We have been married 11 years with two boys, 8 and 10. Our first years were wonderful and then about half way through I got sick. It's a degenerative neural disease which has taken both bicep muscles, nope nothing there anymore...try to imagine all the things you do each day with your biceps lol, but I manage it really well. What it also brought was unexplained, no reason pain. This is break your leg kind of pain. 

OK so I've always been a one to hold onto emotions and remember bad times, if you do this please stop...man I know I need too, and now I need to deal with this crazy illness. The final straw in my ability to maintain my relationship with W was a diagnoses of motor neuron disease (maybe called ALS in the US, not sure) from a trusted doctor. Possible five year death sentence, wheelchair, total paralysis, all that jolly stuff. He was wrong, didn't happen, still got enough faculties to bang this out to you people and a bunch of other stuff too. Wife was supportive as anyone could of dreamed of through all this, she still is to give her due credit (I believe she deserves a lot of that credit stuff) but me being a one who makes emotion hard work started to withdraw from her, strong pain drugs assisting in that fools quest, and despite her wealth of warnings, verbal and otherwise, that withdrawal has run its course and we are, duh duh duhhhh, separated.

I'm quite a determined guy when my engine fires and I've been coping really well with the pain, can deal with it without those nasty opiates that work oh so well. But doing so has changed me into someone I don't know anymore. What I do know is that I love my family with a total and longing affection and love. My boys, truthfully, adore and respect me. I could not work my old job after illness so W got work, that really hurt...she wanted to stay home, and I took over the home. Did pretty good mostly, cooking, dishes, etc etc.

But all this is background. Right now things SUCK! I can't emphasize enough how distant I became from my wife, she who is the very best of people, she who is now emotionally exhausted and out of true passion to keep putting in. She has friends from her work, recent ones that I've not got to know very well, who have good marriages and I can see that she really wants that. I do too, with her.

I'm resolved to the separation. Didn't react well at once, something i've read since is classic for people who repress emotion, but have calmed down and started to talk sensibly, take ownership, see how I need to deal with my emotional past and stop being a jerk to myself. Cant give her what she needs if I am acting like an emotionless...i dom't know...something bad anyway.

On a good front I am improving over the last year, am completing high school this year (mature age student) with A level grades and mucho happiness to find something I am good at. Accepted for Uni next year for BA in classics and will enter into teaching classics and history at high school level for a new career. 

Well thats enough, I hope I rambled out the gist of my story, opinions? I want my wife back in my life and smiling but I'm accepting that this may not be so. Mostly my thoughts are that I need to fix me before I can even dream of making that a possible future. 

and hey, thank you for reading


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## skynet (Jul 9, 2015)

She vowed to be with you forever, for better or worse, and now you've got this illness and she's gone.

Nice.

You can't even jack off anymore.

Sad.


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

Is there a support group that your wife could join? Being a caretaker is tough. Learning how to deal with your moods and emotional withdrawal could really help her. She's taking it on as her fault that she can't reach you. I'm sure she's feeling very frustrated and overwhelmed because she can't "fix" you and you're not meeting her halfway (from what you described).


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## adji (Jul 9, 2015)

Yeah I think your right. She isn't fond of counselling, doctors, support groups etc. Have encouraged in that direction but I'll be honest I'm not either. I'm starting to see the last couple of days that that is something I should reconsider. Meeting half way sounds really attractive to me right now, I really do feel I am bit stunted emotionally. I could give a bunch of reasons but I'm tired of reasons, I just want to feel like a complete person before I'm really old, damn I am old enough as it is. I am independent, not bed ridden or anything like that. She wasn't my caretaker but we did reverse roles due to old job being impossible physically for me to do. Asked her again to seek help tonight but I'll eat a raw frog if she does. I've made appointments for mc but she backed out and I was relieved! believe that? I think now I needed to push on that but didn't as it meant I would not need to discuss my all so private emotional state. By contrast W is very open and I think it would of helped us. Ah well lesson to take on board and not repeat if I can help it.

I want to take this horrid situation and turn it into a life experience that I come out of proud of my actions and self with her or without.


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## adji (Jul 9, 2015)

skynet said:


> She vowed to be with you forever, for better or worse, and now you've got this illness and she's gone.
> 
> Nice.
> 
> ...


Yes she did. I vowed to cherish and nourish and I messed that up first.

Turn your hand around backwards and feel how your triceps could be used to move your arm....yeah I can jerk off. That would suck. I am pretty damn good at making my arms move using alternate muscle groupings.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

adji said:


> Yes she did. I vowed to cherish and nourish and I messed that up first.
> 
> Turn your hand around backwards and feel how your triceps could be used to move your arm....yeah I can jerk off. That would suck. I am pretty damn good at making my arms move using alternate muscle groupings.


Thank you for recognizing this. When pointing to vows, so many conveniently point to the vow to stay married but forget the ones surrounding love, honor, and cherish. 

I'm sorry for your illness, what a crappy hand to be dealt. I'd suspect a lot of marriages don't survive chronic, severe illness. One need only look at the posts by guys in sexless marriages thanks to illness. Many are sticking it out but they're miserable. I think in general men are actually more likely to bolt over illness, women are more nurturing that way. 

She may not have anymore to give and I don't know what the answer is. Please take care of yourself and take any therapy available, both physical and mental.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## adji (Jul 9, 2015)

Yes we both really need rest and to heal and I think I need to show her that I can look after myself, that she doesn't need to worry. 

all the promises you make to your partner are there for a reason, ignore them at your peril!


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