# Is having kids a sex killer?



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

In other threads, it is stated that having children kills the sex in a marriage. Especially for the woman. The obvious hormone impact of pregnancy, birth, lactation. Sleep deprivation while the baby settles into the family routine. But for the next 18-20 years, the kid is a constant exhausting influence, especially on the female, so she loses all interest in sex.

Comments?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Three kids here, Not sex killer. Dh and I enjoy each other 4-5 times a week. And we both give our all.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Never had kids so can't be sure.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Never affected my sex life. 
my ex wife liked sex so much, she outsourced me with other men even though I was having sex with her every night up to the day I “kicked her out”….(she wanted to go after other, richer penises). I like watermelon, ice cream, and medium rare steak. Therefore I think that everyone likes those things.

everyone is different. But people that like sex and have the desire for sex…. They have sex. I suppose kids may ruin some hormones and make frigid wives, but from my experience it isn’t common. The women I date who are in their 40’s have all been sex fiends. Oh, and they all had kids in the past.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Arranged marriages was cited as reason that world population stands at 8 billion and women continue having lot kids because they have no choice. Arranged marriages are 55% of total worldwide, so maybe that is the case. 

Maybe if arranged marriages disappeared the birth rate would drop to less than one per couple. Once a woman had the first she would never want sex again. BTW, my wife DID threaten that while giving birth to our first.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> I like watermelon, ice cream, and medium rare steak.


So do I. 2 of 2 is 100% of sample


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Having kids definitely can cause problems in that area, but it shouldn't for 18-21 years. At a certain point it's likely an excuse or some other reason than just having kids.

Pregnancy, postpartum, and the early months/years can definitely make things harder for some people. Each pregnancy and each post partum period are different though, even for the same woman. So there's no guarantee how that will play out.

I don't recommend having a bunch of kids back to back and all under two though... Or probably just a bunch of kids in general, all with busy schedules.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

It's different for everyone. We only had one kid, so it was far easier for us. My friend on the other hand is in a difficult situation. His wife got baby fever and they had one kid after another. He can't even enjoy alone time in the bathroom without kids bothering him. Heck, he can barely afford a roll of Charmin. Him and his wife are at each other all the time because of the stress of multiple kids


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> It's different for everyone. We only had one kid, so it was far easier for us. My friend on the other hand is in a difficult situation. His wife got baby fever and they had one kid after another. He can't even enjoy alone time in the bathroom without kids bothering him. Heck, he can barely afford a roll of Charmin. Him and his wife are at each other all the time because of the stress of multiple kids


How many do they have?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It's a combination of things that happens with kids. As you well know, exhaustion, hormones, resentment if the man isn't helping out much. And trying to keep the toddler from popping into the bedroom, as well as some people sleep with them. Having a toy-littered house and no end in sight to the housework, having to be on the kids' taxi schedule. It's a huge myriad of things.

Here is a link to a related article for those so afflicted. 





Stop Making Married Moms Feel Bad About Not Having Sex | Ravishly


While we know adjusting to a new baby can profoundly impact a couple’s life (including sexual intimacy), we, as a society, act like it shouldn’t. We act like there’s something wrong with a new mother needing a time out from sex.




ravishly.com


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Diana7 said:


> How many do they have?


They have three.... The major issue is she got baby fever but that's about it. She not really interested in the parenting part of having kids. He works 50-65 hours a week to support the family and she is constantly complaining about how stressed she is dealing with them and the house.

He sometimes lies about being at work and just comes over to our house. We have a couple of beers and he just enjoys being able to destress and feel like a guy for a couple of hours.... Great guy who was desperate for a relationship and even more desperate to hold on to her once he got into a relationship.

And I know it's wrong that my wife and I cover for him. But I have known him since high school. And his wife has never asked if he is at our house when he says he is at work. So I guess technically, there is no foul.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> It's different for everyone. We only had one kid, so it was far easier for us. My friend on the other hand is in a difficult situation. His wife got baby fever and they had one kid after another. He can't even enjoy alone time in the bathroom without kids bothering him. Heck, he can barely afford a roll of Charmin. Him and his wife are at each other all the time because of the stress of multiple kids


All I can say is your friend knew how NOT to have another kid if he didn't want them.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

I gave birth to my 2 kids and having children never effected my sex life. Sometimes we would do it more by squeezing in a quickie.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I think it often does, but it depends on the couple. You definitely trade one life for another. Going from married to parents is as radical as going from single to married, 
maybe more so. Just like marriage itself, it takes dedication and determination. If both parents are on board and committed to keeping intimacy, then it should work.
but. busy schedules, manic home life (things can get crazy with baby and kids), increased stress, shifting goals will often redirect parents attention from each other and dead bedroom results.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

My experience: I’ve had a few… killed the sex life.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> she is constantly complaining about how stressed she is dealing with them and the house.
> 
> He sometimes lies about being at work and just comes over to our house. We have a couple of beers and he just enjoys being able to destress and feel like a guy for a couple of hours....


So I guess this confirms that for them, three kids are killing the marriage. My only comment is him lying to have some beers contrasts unfavorably with her being stressed at home. Your friend isn't doing himself any favors. He could work fewer hours and take the kids to the park or zoo to give his wife some time to herself. I took the baby to the grocery store, pushed stroller around the park, swept, mopped, changed diapers, did night feedings, fixed meals at various times. A little effort went long way toward relaxing the wife and paid dividends for me.

I grew up amongst families with 4-6-8 kids. Maybe they weren't having any sex(?!), everyone was miserable as h3ll, and the wives all hated the husband. I would have thought some of the unhappiness would have leaked out. Guess they all kept up a good front.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Rus47 said:


> So I guess this confirms that for them, three kids are killing the marriage. My only comment is him lying to have some beers contrasts unfavorably with her being stressed at home. Your friend isn't doing himself any favors.
> 
> I grew up amongst families with 4-6-8 kids. Maybe they weren't having any sex(?!), everyone was miserable as h3ll, and the wives all hated the husband. I would have thought some of the unhappiness would have leaked out. Guess they all kept up a good front.


You only quoted part of my post to fit your opinion....I have zero issues defending my friend as I genuinely think he is a good guy in a bad situation.

As I stated before. He was desperate for a relationship and even more desperate to keep her when he met her. He agreed to have kids with her when she got baby fever. She just doesn't like the parenting part of having children.

Even when married and a parent, a male or female still needs time alone to be themselves from time to time. This doesn't make them bad in anyway whatsoever. Marriage and kids doesn't equate to the end of your individuality as a person.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Having kids is just one entry on an endless list of excuses for my wife.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

It honestly depends on how much you guys like sex (or at least like the closeness). The reality is that kids are hard work. You won't have as much free time as before you had kids, nor will you have as much money (which in turn puts additional burden on your time). Some stuff will have to be given up to accommodate kids in your lives.

If sex is no big deal to your spouse, guess what he or she will choose to give up?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Hmmm. Mrs. C couldn't wait to get back in the saddle after giving birth and our bedroom has always seen a lot more than sleeping taking place.

My son is expecting his fourth child, third from his fiance, and they don't seem to be slowing down.

No arranged marriages here.

I'm really unsure if Mexicans arrange marriages but they are obviously having both a lot of sex and babies.🙂


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

I think it’s slowed us down a little bit due to fatigue and logistics but the desire is the same as always. My wife was ready to go 4 weeks post-partum on our first one. The second one was 11 pounds so we waited the full 6 weeks.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

If it was then it would kill the sex life off for everyone who has children and we all KNOW that isn't the case.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

My first wife, yes. Not a killer, but it changed things because she was so focused on being a super mom that our life became second fiddle to the kid's.

Current wife, no. Nothing changed after she had the twins. She's of the belief that if she and I are each other's #1 important thing and in a good place together, that'll keep the kids in a good place without much additional effort.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

I believe we can always find an excuse to do what we really want. Or to stop what we don't want to do. If it wasn't kids killing the sex it would be something else, like financial hardship. But let the right alternative show up and the inner beast will quickly be unleashed.

Recall the very long thread by woman who birthed twins who she didn't know who father was.. Didn't slow down the libido at all.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

If she can keep her head from being all about super mom and remember she has a husband and was a wife 1st. Some women balance it well. Some forget they are married and are consumed with being a mom, leave nothing for their husband or themselves. Then they start resenting the hubby for wanting time when they don't evel set aside time for themselves. For men married to those women, yes the sex drops off. They either live miserably, wife gets her head out of her azz or she can get slapped with divorce and only spend 1/2 her time as mom, get the time for herself she wants to relax and then start screwing other men. #2 & #3 are up to her. #1 is on you.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Zedd said:


> My first wife, yes. Not a killer, but it changed things because she was so focused on being a super mom that our life became second fiddle to the kid's.
> 
> Current wife, no. Nothing changed after she had the twins. She's of the belief that if she and I are each other's #1 important thing and in a good place together, that'll keep the kids in a good place without much additional effort.


Your 2nd wife is a wise woman and very correct.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Zedd said:


> She's of the belief that if she and I are each other's #1 important thing and in a good place together, that'll keep the kids in a good place without much additional effort.


I recall my mother made what my Dad liked for meals. Her priority was him, and his was her.


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## harperlee (May 1, 2018)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> It's different for everyone. We only had one kid, so it was far easier for us. My friend on the other hand is in a difficult situation. His wife got baby fever and they had one kid after another. He can't even enjoy alone time in the bathroom without kids bothering him. Heck, he can barely afford a roll of Charmin. Him and his wife are at each other all the time because of the stress of multiple kids


Oh, she got baby fever and ordered three kids from Amazon (no one is buying the stork story anymore.)
Poor guy.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Rus47 said:


> I believe we can always find an excuse to do what we really want. Or to stop what we don't want to do. If it wasn't kids killing the sex it would be something else, like financial hardship. But let the right alternative show up and the inner beast will quickly be unleashed.
> 
> Recall the very long thread by woman who birthed twins who she didn't know who father was.. Didn't slow down the libido at all.


This.

Women who don't want to have sex with their husband will use kids as an excuse.

Women who do want to have sex with their husband will make it a priority and fix any hurdles and make it happen, even with a baby or toddler in the house.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

When our first was baby, we lived in one bedroom apartment. Crib was in our bedroom. Didn’t slow wife down one bit. Blanket over us, we engaged every morning and every night when baby wasnt hollering.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> If it was then it would kill the sex life off for everyone who has children and we all KNOW that isn't the case.


Why, because all people are identical?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> Hmmm. Mrs. C couldn't wait to get back in the saddle after giving birth and our bedroom has always seen a lot more than sleeping taking place.
> 
> My son is expecting his fourth child, third from his fiance, and they don't seem to be slowing down.
> 
> ...


It's a patriarchal setup where women start having children in their mid teens and don't have much say about it. The better parents will try to buck tradition and encourage their girls to wait, but the tradition there is to declare them a woman at 15. They are mostly all Catholic and they are the type of Catholics who don't believe in birth control. They believe they have to obey the men. Since they start getting pregnant and having children so young they don't have the sense to even choose a proper mate and find themselves trapped in the traditional lifestyle of raising kids their whole life whether their own or the next generation. 

You have only to look at the violence against women statistics in Mexico to understand how little control they have over their own lives. Both rape and incest go mainly unreported to officials.



https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Violence_against_women_in_Mexico#:~:text=In%20the%20year%202009%2C%20there,percent%20of%20rapes%20are%20reported


.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Well, criminal behavior aside, Mrs. C and I have known many families that had a lot of life and joy. They were also having a lot of sex! LoL!😋


DownByTheRiver said:


> It's a patriarchal setup where women start having children in their mid teens and don't have much say about it. The better parents will try to buck tradition and encourage their girls to wait, but the tradition there is to declare them a woman at 15. They are mostly all Catholic and they are the type of Catholics who don't believe in birth control. They believe they have to obey the men. Since they start getting pregnant and having children so young they don't have the sense to even choose a proper mate and find themselves trapped in the traditional lifestyle of raising kids their whole life whether their own or the next generation.
> 
> You have only to look at the violence against women statistics in Mexico to understand how little control they have over their own lives. Both rape and incest go mainly unreported to officials.
> 
> ...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> Well, criminal behavior aside, Mrs. C and I have known many families that had a lot of life and joy. They were also having a lot of sex! LoL!😋


I'm sure you have and I'm sure there are, but not everyone is in the same situation.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Our sex life has not suffered due to being parents. Sure, there have been times we haven't been able to have sex when we've wanted to, but remembering that we still desire each other during such times is helpful.

Also, in general, keeping things fun and playful also helps keep the spark alive in our marriage. Perhaps things kind of like this birthday card I recently gave my husband:









LOL


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Kids changed our sex life habits, but certainly didn't kill it. We married young, 18 and 21, but we didn't have our first child until I was 28 and my wife was almost 30. We had an established marriage that involved a lot of sex because we liked it, not to make babies. I think that made it an integral part of our married life and we didn't have any desire for that to change. Obviously we weren't as free as before kids, but we found the time for us, simple as that.

I actually think my wife enjoyed it as a stress release. When the kids were toddlers she was always ready to go if we had some free time, even a little. I also credit the fact that we have always slept nude. One less barrier to overcome, lol.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

I don't know whether having kids is a sex killer, but I read here that a marriage ceremony causes below-the-waist paralysis.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Sfort said:


> I don't know whether having kids is a sex killer, but I read here that a marriage ceremony causes below-the-waist paralysis.


Not true


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

> Is having kids a sex killer?


It sure can be, for a wide variety of reasons. As someone said above, people will find a way to do something they really want to do. And there's almost never one single "cause" for problems. 

Some of the most common factors I see that can happen are:

physical injury during delivery, eg tearing or badly repaired episiotomy, resulting in pain on intercourse
severe lack of sleep for either or both
failure of father to exhibit "bonding" behaviour during pregnancy or during or after the birth; kind of acting as if it isn't happening. Failure to stay in sight during the actual delivery.
the power dynamic between the couple changes radically because the woman now has something where she's "in charge", ie the baby, and she's going to call the shots
the mother focuses 100% on the baby and excludes the father (typically saying "I feel as if he's an extra child")
there is also of course post-natal depression, which can have psychotic features, and may be worsened by any of the previous factors
Not every case is the same!


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## Destrozada (10 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Never affected my sex life.
> my ex wife liked sex so much, she outsourced me with other men even though I was having sex with her every night up to the day I “kicked her out”….(she wanted to go after other, richer penises). I like watermelon, ice cream, and medium rare steak. Therefore I think that everyone likes those things.
> 
> everyone is different. But people that like sex and have the desire for sex…. They have sex. I suppose kids may ruin some hormones and make frigid wives, but from my experience it isn’t common. The women I date who are in their 40’s have all been sex fiends. Oh, and they all had kids in the past.



Well, by 40's you will rarely have little kids... And if a woman does, she have had all the sex she wanted before having them... It's when they a little when sex is desirable for some women.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Laurentium said:


> failure of father to exhibit "bonding" behaviour during pregnancy or during or after the birth; kind of acting as if it isn't happening. *Failure to stay in sight during the actual delivery*.


I was present in delivery room during the delivery of all of my kids. But doctor always put me standing behind my wife's head so I wasn't visible in any case, there was no mirror in any of the delivery rooms. In one case he told be if I passed out I would be out of the way and not interfere with him from the task at hand. 

And in the old days before my generation, men were not allowed anywhere but the waiting room, smoking and pacing until the doctor announced "its a ...".


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Laurentium said:


> the mother focuses 100% on the baby and excludes the father (typically saying "I feel as if he's an extra child")


Can certainly imagine that switching to "mommy" mode would exclude the "extra child" from any attention. I wonder if the people where having a baby kills their sex life arrive there because of a dynamic that begins when pregnancy begins.

The hormones play a role, as does the physical changes. The woman begins to dislike how her body changes so doesn't feel "sexy". Husband not being invested during the pregnancy amplifies those feelings. Less and less intimacy over 8-9 months, followed by enforced abstaining after delivery for 6 weeks ( or longer if there are physical issues like surgery ) basically kills the sexual bonding of a couple. The response of both amplifies the damage, so the woman focuses on the baby and ignores the old man, which creates resentment there. The sexual bond is killed forever after.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Rus47 said:


> The woman begins to dislike how her body changes so doesn't feel "sexy".


Yeah, that's another one!


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

We adopted our twins in our mid-40's as newborns, and it certainly killed our sex life (they're ten now). Think we've had sex six times since they've been born - wife would let me know that sleep was more important than sex. I recall when the kids were around a year old and we were finally able to get a sitter and go out (didn't live near grandparents and they were too old anyway) - we go out and have a nice dinner and it's just about guaranteed that we'll have sex. Get home and wife tells me she's really tired. Next week go out again and it's literally stated that there will be sex when we get home - nada, as wife says she's crampy. Gave up after that. Now in our mid-50's, it's been around 18 months since we last had sex, and I think part of the reason is that her friends tell her that they never have sex, so thus we're normal when we only do it once every 18 months. 

Part of our issue was the constant stress my wife was under when the kids were around 1-2 years old - partly her doing and partly from outside. As mentioned earlier in the thread by another poster, she felt like she needed to be SuperMom, and would constantly ***** about how I did nothing right (changing diapers, feeding the kids, bathing the kids, driving the car, etc). She'd also ***** if she had them for a half-hour when I wasn't around - I'd get home and get a blast from her about how they're driving her nuts and she's not getting any help (this would be a day after I'd take them to visit my family all day to give her a break - never had any issues). I couldn't win - if I was home then I was an idiot doing nothing right, and if I wasn't home then I wasn't helping her. The outside stress was caused by her drama queen, idiot sister, who was going through her latest divorce and calling my wife every day with her latest drama and to hit us up for money. Instead of my wife telling her sister to knock it off, she'd just give her what she wanted and take it out on me. Finally figured out that I needed to bite back at her when she got this way, and it did help (ETA - with her attitude, not with our sex life).


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Never was to me. My wife seldom if ever denied me while raising our kids..


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