# Husband needs to see a doctor, but won't



## dw1011 (11 mo ago)

My husband isn't the most proactive when it comes to his health. His whole family is like that. They have the mentality that if there's a pill you can swallow to help the problem, then that's all you do. Unfortunately, that isn't always enough and they're pretty resistant to lifestyle changes. Meanwhile, I am the exact opposite and it's been a point of contention between us in the past.

My latest endeavor has been trying to get him to see an ENT about the fact that he has constant, excessive mucus production (I know it's gross, I'm sorry if it's TMI). He's always had problems with this and just takes mucinex daily. About 6 months ago I suggested he try saline nasal rinses and he actually did start doing it daily. He says it helps but afterwards he spends the rest of the evening hacking up phlegm... very loudly. I can hear him clear across the house and it's absolutely revolting. Clearly he has a bigger problem going on that an ENT could possibly treat, but when I suggest it he just says "well, I went to one as a kid" like that's a reason for his 35 year old self not to bother.

I am trying not to push it, but this is contributing to other issues:
1. He's always so tired and thinks part of the reason is poor air flow while he sleeps because of congestion.
2. Because he's so tired, he doesn't usually want to do more then veg on the couch and watch T.V. Our sex life in particular is suffering (not to mention this issue is a major turn off for both of us).
3. Sometimes he has such a hard time breathing at night, that he sleeps sitting up on the couch, so there are a lot of nights we end up sleeping separately. 
4. It's hard for me to be around him in the evenings after he does the rinses because the noises make me want to vomit. I feel like a terrible wife... but it grosses me out so much that sometimes I say I'm tired and go to bed at 8 just so I can leave the room and listen to music through headphones to drown out the noise. 
5. I resent that he doesn't make an effort to take care of himself. He knows it's important to me. He knows I've made my own challenging lifestyle changes to manage my autoimmune disease and that I do it for him more than any other reason. He promises to be more proactive, but then he never is. 

I don't know how to approach this without making him feel nagged. He's been under a lot of stress at work and it make's me feel like I shouldn't bring up how health affects our relationship. Any advice would be appreciated.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

dw1011 said:


> I don't know how to approach this without making him feel nagged.


The easy way to do this is not to nag. Nagging is persistent and droning (much like his hacking) and is annoying.

Have a heart to heart and tell him his physical problems are driving you insane, you’ll go with him to his appointment but he needs to make one now because it’s driving you crazy, and then sit there and watch him do it. If he says no, tell him you’re serious, this has gone on for far too long. He’s a grown man, just go to the doctor.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

What would happen if you book an appointment for him, and give him friendly reminders of the upcoming appointment? 

You shouldn't have to do that but it may help.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Maybe he had allergies, or an obstruction in his sinuses, and sleep apnea.

I'd do everything you can to get him to a doctor. Sometimes you have to firmly step in.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Instead of nagging just have a serious conservative with him and say you can't live like this and things need to change or you'll be gone.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

dw1011 said:


> Clearly he has a bigger problem going on that an ENT could possibly treat


He may not need any other doctor. A family-practice doc can probably figure out what he needs, and whether he needs a pulmonologist. 



dw1011 said:


> He's always so tired and thinks part of the reason is poor air flow while he sleeps because of congestion.


Personally, I'm thinking sleep apnea....;and the congestion is probably due to poor air flow. This adds up to wanting to sleep sitting up.



dw1011 said:


> I resent that he doesn't make an effort to take care of himself.


Please, do yourself a BIG favor and fuhgedaboudit. LOVE him. SUPPORT him. Be the best wife you can be. That's all. Don't make him any appointments.....don't nag. It is COUNTERPRODUCTIVE. Nagging makes us "dig in our heels". If taking care of himself was not supported in his FOO, it is highly unlikely that your husband will EVER do it. You will not be able to "change" him. You're being his mother. Sexually, that is quite a turn-off to us. We are not sexually attracted to our mother.

One thing you might suggest is those velcro deals which hold the nose open during sleep. If it's sleep apnea, he may notice some improvement. Suggest ONCE. Don't buy it for him, allow him to decide whether it's right for him.

My wife has been nagging me for 3 years about using a cane. I have some problems with balance control. She has bought 3 canes, and a "Moses" walking stick. She has now bought a 4-pronged cane attachment. I use none of them.

I can GUARANTEE this. I will use a cane when I am, by God, ready to use one. The end.

She says I am stubborn. I got news. I wouldn't give you a plug nickel for a man who doesn't have a strong will.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Make an appt for him to see the family practice doctor. Say that you will go with him. 
Drastic measures are needed.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Surely you knew he was ... not very appealing .... *before* you married him?

I mean, _*surely*_ you KNEW since you say this has always been a problem for him, so this wasn't some kind of surprise he kept from you.

I'm just saying, you knew about it and married him anyway, so you don't get to cry 'foul' now. He sounds nauseating, don't get me wrong, but you chose this.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> you knew about it and married him anyway,


And, you know about it, and you remain married to him anyway. If this is a "deal-breaker" .. you may as well get a lawyer now. No amount of nagging, cajoling, etc, is going to change him.

The only person you can change is you.



thunderchad said:


> just have a serious conservative with him and say you can't live like this and things need to change or you'll be gone.


Yep. Conversation to last no more than 1 minute. And, never to be said again. You have to be seriously willing to leave promptly if there's no action.

The partner who cares less about the relationship has ALL the power.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

A change of diet may help such as cutting out all dairy products.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear DW1011;

Unless you are a doctor, don't diagnose him. It cold be anything. If you have a concern, express it and ask him to see a doctor because you rare concerned. 

A lot of men (and some women) have an dumb aversion to seeing doctors. It has gotten a lot killed of things that could have been prevented. It is a fine line between expressing concern and bullying someone into doing something they don't want to do, even if it may be good for them.

If it was me. In this day and age of Covid, I would point out to him that he needs to keep his health in top shape so as to fight off any potential virus infection and as such you would like him to go in for a check up and ask about his excessive mucus. All you can do is express your concern and ask, unless you know he is looking to you for leadership.

Good luck.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Maybe he had allergies, or an obstruction in his sinuses, and sleep apnea.
> 
> I'd do everything you can to get him to a doctor. Sometimes you have to firmly step in.


I agree.

Tell him, don't ask.
Make the appointment for him.

Some call it post nasal drip, _The Grunge_, etc.

Let him try OTC daily Benadryl.Allergy Plus.

Keep in mind he may be allergic to pet dander.

Dander from dogs and cats, even birds.

If you have shag carpets they give off dust and dirt and fiber particles.

Have your house checked to see if you have any black mold present.

He may need his nasal airway opened up.

Is he very much overweight, and have _Sleep Apnea ?_
Livvie mentioned this already.

Losing weight may ease his symptoms.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@dw1011

You are right to be very concerned about his health. He's 35 yrs old and having these sorts of problems? The nighttime sleeping/breathing issue should like a serious case of obstructive sleep apnea. Though I'm not diagnosing him of course, just stating thta it sounds serious.

You need to have a serious talk with him and tell him that you need for him to go see a doctor. If I were you, I'd go to the appointment with him because he will most likely downplay the whole situation? He is most likely so used to his breathing problems that he does not even realize how bad it is or even all that he's doing.

Do you two have children?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Get him checked for allergies.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

dw1011 said:


> My husband isn't the most proactive when it comes to his health. His whole family is like that. They have the mentality that if there's a pill you can swallow to help the problem, then that's all you do. Unfortunately, that isn't always enough and they're pretty resistant to lifestyle changes. Meanwhile, I am the exact opposite and it's been a point of contention between us in the past.
> 
> My latest endeavor has been trying to get him to see an ENT about the fact that he has constant, excessive mucus production (I know it's gross, I'm sorry if it's TMI). He's always had problems with this and just takes mucinex daily. About 6 months ago I suggested he try saline nasal rinses and he actually did start doing it daily. He says it helps but afterwards he spends the rest of the evening hacking up phlegm... very loudly. I can hear him clear across the house and it's absolutely revolting. Clearly he has a bigger problem going on that an ENT could possibly treat, but when I suggest it he just says "well, I went to one as a kid" like that's a reason for his 35 year old self not to bother.
> 
> ...


He sounds as bad as me. I have a nose that I never got fixed. It's broken, the ENT said in the 1980s, seven ways. Back then, the procedure sure didn't sound like fun at all. Don't know if it's any better now -- and there's no guarantee it will work. 

On top of that, I got exposed to black mold in the 90s, and that's when my hacking began and never stopped. It's like mucus is too thick and just sticks in my pipe. One doc said maybe the coughing made a little bump or hernia that makes it get stuck, but no doctor has said anything like they knew there was anything to do about that, and that bothers me most of everything. Like your husband, I take mucus relief, 1200 milligrams at night every night. I now have COPD and shortness of breath and a lot of that is from that condition. But part is from atrial fib because it got a little better when I got on meds for that. 

I have refused to go get a colonoscopy because every now and then I will get really choked trying to get the phlegm out of the way so I can breathe, and on colonoscopies, they keep you awake but too messed up to do anything and if it should happen during that, I would not be able to clear it. At least with regular anesthesia, you are intubated. Not fun, but you won't drown on your own drainage. 

You can't make him go to the doctor -- or maybe you can if you really get serious with him. I will tell you one thing that works the best for me on the drainage (I have constant drainage seems like down my throat) is NasalCrom. It's not always available on the pharmacy shelves, but I get CVS to order it for me. I mainly take it at night when I take the guaiffensen (spelling wrong). 

I take a daily Zyrtec too. I tried the rinse and it's good for allergies but doesn't do me much good. For straight up allergies, I take NasaCort spray, but that does nothing for my drainage, really. Stops the sneezing. 

What is the source of his problems? Is it a broken nose? Deviated septum? I think you ought to just tell him that some days it really makes you kind of nauseated to listen to him. Ask if he'll go to an ENT and if not, sleep in a separate bedroom so you don't always have to listen to it.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I have a nose that I never got fixed. It's broken…


Ugh! I have had mine pounded flat and bleeding but not broken. I hope you got some payback.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ccpowerslave said:


> Ugh! I have had mine pounded flat and bleeding but not broken. I hope you got some payback.


Oh, no. It happened in a car wreck when I was 12 -- my sister never bothered to tell my mom she wrecked me and my head hit the windshield. Nice. It got more apparent as the years went on where you could look and tell. It ruined my singing voice over time.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Oh, no. It happened in a car wreck when I was 12 -- my sister never bothered to tell my mom she wrecked me and my head hit the windshield. Nice. It got more apparent as the years went on where you could look and tell. It ruined my singing voice over time.


Payback on your sister! Hahahaha.

My mom wants payback for the times she drove us to the doctor after me pounding my brother’s head in. Yeah I was a “little ****”.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> I agree.
> 
> Tell him, don't ask.
> Make the appointment for him.
> ...


GOOD POINT!
Do you own any animals? dog. cat?
they would be prime suspects.
then go down the list, stuff like mold or tiny bugs in the house...when did you last replace your matress, for instance. Do you have a non alergenic pillow, or a goose down one?

start going online and researching alergy forums. they will probably recommend some simple things, and after that some more complex and expensive things.

You can buy a pretty good hepa air filter for the bedroom for a couple hundred bucks.

A top of the line Euroclean GD930 hepa vacuum is only $400, and will keep all the nasty buggies at bay (btw, most vacuum cleaners labeled "hepa" are lying to you). Euroclean is what lead abatement contractors use.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

He may have Obstructive Sleep Apnea. Don’t underestimate the seriousness of that condition. According to this article, it doubles the chance of death: Does Untreated Sleep Apnea Lower Life Expectancy?

IME, treatment of OSA make a huge difference on energy levels.

But whatever it is, it’s a big problem, at least for you. It takes some of us a long time to figure out how important something is to us, and what the cost ultimately adds up to. Your life and what you experience in it should be very very important to you. It’s good to have limits, express them, and choose the path that’s best for you.


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## dw1011 (11 mo ago)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Surely you knew he was ... not very appealing .... *before* you married him?
> 
> I mean, _*surely*_ you KNEW since you say this has always been a problem for him, so this wasn't some kind of surprise he kept from you.
> 
> I'm just saying, you knew about it and married him anyway, so you don't get to cry 'foul' now. He sounds nauseating, don't get me wrong, but you chose this.


Actually, no, because the problem only got severe like this over the last 6 months.


She'sStillGotIt said:


> Surely you knew he was ... not very appealing .... *before* you married him?
> 
> I mean, _*surely*_ you KNEW since you say this has always been a problem for him, so this wasn't some kind of surprise he kept from you.
> 
> I'm just saying, you knew about it and married him anyway, so you don't get to cry 'foul' now. He sounds nauseating, don't get me wrong, but you chose this.


I mean allergies have always been a problem. The way it is now has only been going on since he started sinus rinses 6 months ago, so no, I didn't know about this before we married. I did know that posting on a forum meant someone would manage to be obnoxious. Congrats on being that person 👏


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## dw1011 (11 mo ago)

TJW said:


> And, you know about it, and you remain married to him anyway. If this is a "deal-breaker" .. you may as well get a lawyer now. No amount of nagging, cajoling, etc, is going to change him.
> 
> The only person you can change is you.
> 
> ...


I never said anything about wanting to leave him over this. I just wanted advice on broaching the topic in a way that didn't feel pushy... and no,this wasn't an issue when we were married. It started over the last 6 months.


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## dw1011 (11 mo ago)

Talker67 said:


> GOOD POINT!
> Do you own any animals? dog. cat?
> they would be prime suspects.
> then go down the list, stuff like mold or tiny bugs in the house...when did you last replace your matress, for instance. Do you have a non alergenic pillow, or a goose down one?
> ...


Thank you for your helpful suggestions. We just got air purifiers, so hopefully they'll make a difference.


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## dw1011 (11 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He sounds as bad as me. I have a nose that I never got fixed. It's broken, the ENT said in the 1980s, seven ways. Back then, the procedure sure didn't sound like fun at all. Don't know if it's any better now -- and there's no guarantee it will work.
> 
> On top of that, I got exposed to black mold in the 90s, and that's when my hacking began and never stopped. It's like mucus is too thick and just sticks in my pipe. One doc said maybe the coughing made a little bump or hernia that makes it get stuck, but no doctor has said anything like they knew there was anything to do about that, and that bothers me most of everything. Like your husband, I take mucus relief, 1200 milligrams at night every night. I now have COPD and shortness of breath and a lot of that is from that condition. But part is from atrial fib because it got a little better when I got on meds for that.
> 
> ...


We don't know the source of his problem. He's been to an allergist and they just said pollen was an issue for him. Usually it's all just congestion and this phlegm didn't start until he began doing sinus rinses 6 months ago. It seems to me like the rinses make it worse, but he says it helps because it has reduced his occurrence of nose bleeds.


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## dw1011 (11 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> @dw1011
> 
> You are right to be very concerned about his health. He's 35 yrs old and having these sorts of problems? The nighttime sleeping/breathing issue should like a serious case of obstructive sleep apnea. Though I'm not diagnosing him of course, just stating thta it sounds serious.
> 
> ...


He has mild sleep apnea, not bad enough to need a breathing machine.


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## dw1011 (11 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> I agree.
> 
> Tell him, don't ask.
> Make the appointment for him.
> ...


He's not overweight but does have mild sleep apnea. The sleep specialist didn't think he needed a breathing machine, but recommended nose plugs. They don't help him though.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

dw1011 said:


> We don't know the source of his problem. He's been to an allergist and they just said pollen was an issue for him. Usually it's all just congestion and this phlegm didn't start until he began doing sinus rinses 6 months ago. It seems to me like the rinses make it worse, but he says it helps because it has reduced his occurrence of nose bleeds.


That is strange. Well, he definitely needs to see ENT. The thing is I think you need to go with him so he tells them everything. The nosebleed thing is odd. You know the rinse is used warm water. It seems like that would make your nose bleed worse. What if the rinses are making him more congested, easy fixis to quit using them.

All they did to me was make me have to blow my nose afterwards. I hope you can get him to a proper doctor.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You know when my dad didn't have enough sense to go to the doctor, me and my sister just pretended we were taking him somewhere else and then took him to the doctor and he never even squawked about it.


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## dw1011 (11 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> That is strange. Well, he definitely needs to see ENT. The thing is I think you need to go with him so he tells them everything. The nosebleed thing is odd. You know the rinse is used warm water. It seems like that would make your nose bleed worse. What if the rinses are making him more congested, easy fixis to quit using them.
> 
> All they did to me was make me have to blow my nose afterwards. I hope you can get him to a proper doctor.


Thank you.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

My dad was like this. He was a smart guy, but dumber than a box of rocks and stubborn when it came to his health. A couple of the many idiotic thoughts he had.....

1. Absolutely atrocious diet and eating habits. Had a very mild heart attack at 52 years old. Waited nearly 18 hours before admitting chest pains and needing help. At the hospital, he had 3 arteries over 90% blocked. He shocked the surgeon when he asked if he could just skip the surgery and eat better. The surgeon said in all his years, he never heard anyone say anything like that. Said if you skip surgery, get your affairs in order as you have 30 days at the absolute most with blood thinners.

2. At 60, he developed every sign of diabetes. Waited nearly a month to see his doctor who was an absolute quack who later was arrested on illegally prescribing opiods. His blood sugar was right around 800. She gave him sample packs of the latest med which was Triceba. He went home and said will just see what happens if I don't take it. His blood sugar got worse and he appeared so intoxicated and confused that paramedics were called. They thought alcohol poisoning but were informed he hadn't had a single drop. He spent 3 weeks in ICU and a month in rehab.

With the right treatment and diet in the hospital, he was in great shape. Once he got home, he went right back to his old ways. Within six months he was back in ICU. He was so combative with staff that he was kicked out of the hospital. He spent the next 4 days confined to a recliner and could not move because of diabetic neuropathy of the legs and the pain of a fractured shoulder from collapsing weeks earlier. I was on the verge of calling adult social services. I didn't live with him. But I got the call one day he was found slumped over and unresponsive. Paramedics had him hooked to a cpr machine along with adrenaline shots, oxygen, and shocks to the heart. They worked for about 30 minutes and he was gone. Turns out he suffered a massive pulmonary embolism. 

I am rambling, but at 35 years old, your husband is at a crossroads with his health. He is going to come to realize that he can no longer rely on being invincible from being young. His decisions right now are going to greatly affect his future health. If you want to really mess with his mind and get him to see a doctor. Say baby, I love you. Your wellbeing is important to me and should be important to you as well. If you care about my feelings, you will see a doctor.... At this point dont say anything else, turn around and walk out of the room. That is unless he agrees to see someone. 

I am telling you, saying if you care about my feelings. It will play on his mind and crush him inside until he says he will go.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

If this happened to me, I would sit down with the computer, pull up the website for his doctor and ask him to get out his calendar to make an appointment. I would write the description of the problem. Around here, I don't think you are allowed to take anyone with you to doctor, because of the restrictions. I would let him know that this is bothering me a lot and he needs to do something about it. End of story.
He's probably afraid. Talk to him and tell him he should be more afraid of letting this continue than about doing something to find a resolution.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Cynthia said:


> If this happened to me, I would sit down with the computer, pull up the website for his doctor and ask him to get out his calendar to make an appointment. I would write the description of the problem. Around here, I don't think you are allowed to take anyone with you to doctor, because of the restrictions. I would let him know that this is bothering me a lot and he needs to do something about it. End of story.
> He's probably afraid. Talk to him and tell him he should be more afraid of letting this continue than about doing something to find a resolution.


Love your advice. But I doubt he is afraid. Its probably more like idiotic self pride that some men get


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

You have every right to be concerned, and angry at him for his inaction. Trying to not seem pushy is a good strategy, considering many humans dig in their heels as soon as they sense someone has an agenda. But don’t doubt for a second you have a valid concern.

You have a vested interest in his health. And, his symptoms are annoying and a constant reminder he may go downhill faster than he might otherwise.

I’ve got no advice as to how, but folks sometimes find a way to define boundaries and limits, express them, and honor themselves by enforcing them. When there is a limit to what you’ll endure or accept without consequences, it’s fair and kind to be clear about it upfront.

If he’s a slacker about his health, is that likely to affect your relationship, including your level of attraction towards him? If so, maybe he needs to be worrying about that.

Did he have a sleep study performed? If not, then what is the sleep specialist basing his guidance on? And if so, was the study done before things got worse?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

dw1011 said:


> We don't know the source of his problem. He's been to an allergist and they just said pollen was an issue for him. Usually it's all just congestion and this phlegm didn't start until he began doing sinus rinses 6 months ago. It seems to me like the rinses make it worse, but he says it helps because it has reduced his occurrence of nose bleeds.


You CAN contaminate your sinus with impure water, and cause an infection. tap water, for instance, is NOT sterile enough to flush your sinus with. Either buy bottles of distilled water, or boil the water (and of course let it cool first) to use in sinus irrigation.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> You CAN contaminate your sinus with impure water, and cause an infection. tap water, for instance, is NOT sterile enough to flush your sinus with. Either buy bottles of distilled water, or boil the water (and of course let it cool first) to use in sinus irrigation.


@dw1011, Does your husband use tap water to rinse his sinuses? If so, that might be creating some problems. He should only use purified water. They sell distilled water in the store.


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