# Lost and unsatisfied with 14 year marriage



## geewiz (Mar 30, 2014)

Wife and daughter are out doing there thing while I sit here alone. Often I don't mind because I like more down time than they do but its too much and getting old. 

I am no longer part of their lives for the most part even though we live together. 

My wife is obviously not interested in me and I am not sure we are a good match. I prefer intellectual conversation and working toward long term goals.

She prefers lots of socializing and short term gratification. 

I am not sure I want to bother investing any further in a failure. 

I was hot for my wife and still am but she is not interested. 

I am ready to move out and will tell her so tonight when she gets home.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

Have you sat and talked to her about how you feel? If so,what was her response?


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

You plan to _tell _her you are _ready _to move out, not that you are moving out, but that you are ready to... I know what this subtle difference means. 

You want her to see you're hurting and 'realise' she is doing you wrong. Feel guilt. 

I sense you'd rather not go, really. In which case, she being a woman, will also cotton onto such a subtlety, through the direction your torso is pointing when you say you're leaving, through the tone of your voice, a thousand signs you can't fake... and she'll not take it seriously.

If you are serious about moving, don't say anything. Just do it, and do it when she isn't there.

You want to provoke a sudden sense of loss in her, there's no chance of doing so by wishy-washy words. But there is a slim chance of her experiencing a 'revelation' when the house suddenly echoes to your absence.

This is just how I would handle it.

But only if you really mean it. If you don't, then it's still a duff idea coz you'd be threatening summat you won't carry out... so either way... it's a silly thing to _say_.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

There's already a plan for separation and divorce, covered by the laws of your state. You could even let lawyers handle most of the work. 

What will you do if she says she wants to stay married. Did you have a plan for that? Any ideas who'll do the work?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Have you been drinking?

It's probably better to think this out before unloading this when she comes home. Think of what you want to accomplish. 

Are you interested in working on the marriage for a finite period of time before parting ways or have you tried all avenues and failed? 

What exactly are your plans when you leave? Have you any idea of the legal financial issues. Where will you live. 

Finally, what about your daughter? 

You are ruminating while alone and thus may not be the best time to make any major decision especially if you have no definitive plans.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

:iagree:

It sounds like you're in a sexless marriage. Usually people advise someone in a position like yours to do the 180 to get ready to move on. Everyone understands the 180 is also a method of getting an SO's attention. However, in your case, your wife is already ignoring you, so your 180 might not be noticed. That would not feel good, but then again the purpose of the 180 is get ready to move on.

If your wife does not notice a 180 from you, that would be a certain signal that she is not interested in you. This is not news to you, though, she feel feels no passion.

So do the 180 get the D papers ready and give her the news. Why should you move out? Won't that complicate the divorce settlement and custody settlements?

Do you see your wife as a WAW who hasn't bothered to walk away? Are you a WAH?


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

I'm going to give you different advice. 

Quit living through your wife. Go lift some heavy **** and get in great shape. Go find some kick ass dudes and have some guy time. Get a hobby and learn something new. 

If you were a leader at home and lived for your purpose, not your wife, she'd come around. 

Why are you waiting around for her? She should be chasing you. Make yourself something she'd want to chase!


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## geewiz (Mar 30, 2014)

All responses are helpful.

I have rellt the flames before several years ago with very effective 180 activities. The cause and effect was shockingly effective and very fast. 

It is disappointing there is very limited effort on her end to contribute to improvements. I am not sure she has ever given any thought to making anything better. 

It all seems exclusively like a REACTION to my behavior. It's all on my shoulders and it feels like a seduction that ought to be unnecessary. 

I guess it isn't unnecessary. Seems vital to keep up the manipulative charade. 

OK Ill get busy


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

If you were hot (and still are) then howcome she's not having sex with you?
Women can't resist hot men, unless there's another hot man in the picture...


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## geewiz (Mar 30, 2014)

lovelygirl said:


> If you were hot (and still are) then howcome she's not having sex with you?
> Women can't resist hot men, unless there's another hot man in the picture...


You misunderstood the comment. Hot for my wife meaning I am still very attractED TO her. 

Woman can't resist hot men? That is absurdly oversimplified to say the very least.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

geewiz said:


> All responses are helpful.
> 
> I have rellt the flames before several years ago with very effective 180 activities. The cause and effect was shockingly effective and very fast.
> 
> ...


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## geewiz (Mar 30, 2014)

Please describe a great attitude to adopt about romancing my wife more skillfully and consistently so I am worthy of her consideration as opposed to being largely ignored handmade to feel like an unappreciated wallet.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

You provide very little info on your situation in order to receive help. I'm assuming that you are venting? Do you want input or is your plan in place already?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

geewiz said:


> Please describe a great attitude to adopt about romancing my wife more skillfully and consistently so I am worthy of her consideration as opposed to being largely ignored handmade to feel like an unappreciated wallet.


Serious question or sarcasm?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

geewiz said:


> Wife and daughter are out doing there thing while I sit here alone. Often I don't mind because I like more down time than they do but its too much and getting old.
> 
> I am no longer part of their lives for the most part even though we live together.
> 
> ...


Don't move out yet.

Find some things to throw yourself into yourself, and just do it. Don't even tell her some of the times. I know while she's enjoying her socializing, that she loves that she can depend on you to be home and not go anywhere.

Go somewhere, do your own thing. Don't be missing her, because you are busy doing something of your own.

Plan it and schedule it. Most times you can't communicate verbally, because people don't understand until it's done to them.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

geewiz said:


> Please describe a great attitude to adopt about romancing my wife more skillfully and consistently so I am worthy of her consideration as opposed to being largely ignored handmade to feel like an unappreciated wallet.


I don't think you can do it in your current state. Being social, she's likely giving much more credit to others who are also in her social grapevine.

You are going to have to get out there and get a life of your own.


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## geewiz (Mar 30, 2014)

Yes I am seriously looking for a new outlook. No I am not being sarcastic. I do not intend to move after venting a little until I exhaust and attempt possible remedies. !4 years is a lot to throw away. 

I have a very successful business of which my wife shows no interest. Most of her friends are the moms of my daughters activities. The husbands rarely come around. When they do I have found many of the husbands of her friends to be exceedingly uninteresting.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Forgive me, but you seem to resent having to continue to be someone you're not in order to keep your wife attracted to you. So, I guess my question is, were you portraying yourself as that "someone you're not" when you first dated/married your wife?


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Rowan said:


> Forgive me, but you seem to resent having to continue to be someone you're not in order to keep your wife attracted to you. So, I guess my question is, were you portraying yourself as that "someone you're not" when you first dated/married your wife?



That probably wasn't necessary. His wife needs some sort of external force to create desire. At the beginning, the newness of the relationship was enough to ignite her desire. The new-love hormones flowing through her brain created the desire. But once that wore off, she didn't have that external force creating desire and she lost interest.

My wife is similar. At the beginning she was very hot and heavy, but that subsided. Now I can get her in the mood, but I have to do all the work and it's not enjoyable. I feel like I'm manipulating her and it's a reminder that she doesn't really desire me on a day-by-day basis. I get the feeling like she's really just doing me a favor more than she desires me.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

geewiz said:


> Yes I am seriously looking for a new outlook. No I am not being sarcastic. I do not intend to move after venting a little until I exhaust and attempt possible remedies. !4 years is a lot to throw away.
> 
> I have a very successful business of which my wife shows no interest. Most of her friends are the moms of my daughters activities. The husbands rarely come around. When they do I have found many of the husbands of her friends to be exceedingly uninteresting.


So what came first, your disinterest in what she likes, her disinterest in what you like or was it mutual from the beginning? It sucks to have a spouse that doesn't show any interest in what you like to do and/or is happy to let you do your own thing without wondering if you would like to partake in a different activity. On the flip side, if she's asked you to do things with her and you've regularly refused because her friends are boring/uninteresting, then she's likely gotten the hint that you weren't interested in spending time doing the things that she wants and thus unplugging from you.

I see two people who need to get together and lay their cards on the table.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

geewiz said:


> Yes I am seriously looking for a new outlook. No I am not being sarcastic. I do not intend to move after venting a little until I exhaust and attempt possible remedies. !4 years is a lot to throw away.
> 
> I have a very successful business of which my wife shows no interest. Most of her friends are the moms of my daughters activities. The husbands rarely come around. When they do I have found many of the husbands of her friends to be exceedingly uninteresting.


You might as well try for your own expiramentation and validation. I wouldn't try to "get her". I'd just be out there and get what I can get. I feel what you are saying that you have been compartamentalized and all the husbands in her friends group have too. Literally "killed" socially by these wives.

You may as well try the social validation piece of the equation. You know, get close to ladies and be validated as a sexually capable man. Let the wife see the interactions and see if she responds. 

You might just be a movie that she watches from time to time, but she's not with you.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

If you have a problem in your marriage, its probably staring at you every time you look in the mirror. Seriously, if you don't like your situation, realise the only person in it that you can change is you. What do you do to contribute to the dead dynamic? What do you do to be involved in your daughter's life? To show her that you care and support her, with tangible action, not words? You seem to resent having to be the leader, but guess what? If you won't lead, you don't get to complain about going adrift. Life isn't fair. Biology is what it is. One of your jobs is to lead, to set the tone, fail to do so at your own peril. Be who you are. Ask for what you want. State clearly what you do not like, propose alternative solutions, but be open to reasonable negotiation. Be honest.

Maybe give Divorce Busting, by Michelle Weiner Davis a look, its nor a bad place to start. Then get some John Gottman books and do the excercises with your wife.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

:iagree:


SadandAngry said:


> If you have a problem in your marriage, its probably staring at you every time you look in the mirror. Seriously, if you don't like your situation, realise the only person in it that you can change is you. What do you do to contribute to the dead dynamic? What do you do to be involved in your daughter's life? To show her that you care and support her, with tangible action, not words? You seem to resent having to be the leader, but guess what? If you won't lead, you don't get to complain about going adrift. Life isn't fair. Biology is what it is. One of your jobs is to lead, to set the tone, fail to do so at your own peril. Be who you are. Ask for what you want. State clearly what you do not like, propose alternative solutions, but be open to reasonable negotiation. Be honest.
> 
> Maybe give Divorce Busting, by Michelle Weiner Davis a look, its nor a bad place to start. Then get some John Gottman books and do the excercises with your wife.


This ^^^^. If you don't try and change the dynamics, you might as well bail out now... and that would make you a WAH...

I think the 180 in this case is not "GAL and do your own thing", even if she gives you that impression... been there done that and after a while you get the "we're grown apart" speech...

The real 180 for you AND your wife would be to spend more quality time, things that you BOTH enjoy, on a regular basis. I've seen it happen so many times, in my own marriage also... no quality time together means the marriage dies a slow death.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

SadandAngry said:


> If you have a problem in your marriage, its probably staring at you every time you look in the mirror. *Seriously, if you don't like your situation, realise the only person in it that you can change is you. *What do you do to contribute to the dead dynamic? What do you do to be involved in your daughter's life? To show her that you care and support her, with tangible action, not words? You seem to resent having to be the leader, but guess what? If you won't lead, you don't get to complain about going adrift. Life isn't fair. Biology is what it is. *One of your jobs is to lead, to set the tone, fail to do so at your own peril. Be who you are. Ask for what you want. State clearly what you do not like, propose alternative solutions, but be open to reasonable negotiation. Be honest.*


:iagree:

And I really like that being open to reasonable negotiation part. So many men get hung up on wanting to control women. Negotiating sounds more like working *with* her, and that is very healthy in a marriage.


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