# Uncertain of what to do



## Onthefenc (Dec 11, 2013)

Ive been married to my wife for 15 years. We were highschool sweet hearts, and also rushed into marriage due to her pregnancy. So we have a 15 yo son and an 11 yo daughter.

Mywife and essentially became adults together. Im 35 and she is 34. We have been through so much in the past 15 years. I was in the army for years, been to combat, training schools etc. plus our early marriage years consisted of work and college. Im proud to say we both finished. 

Today im in a really good job, as is she. Our kids are happy and healthy. My wife loves me and she is beautiful. I have always loved her as well. She is still my best friend.

Wth is wrong with me? For about 4 years now, ive struggled with being in my marriage. I know i SHOULD feel as she does, but i dont. She has done absolutely nothing WRONG. It is really all me.

Oh sure, we dont share many interests, and she could be a tad more slim. But thats just me being picky. She is a great mom, loves sex, and a great cook. 

I feel like im suffocating. Im constantly looking at other women. I fantasize about having my own place, living another type of life that ive always wanted to have. I want to be able to do what i want without guilt or complaints. I see a woman, i want to be able to ask her out without being a creep.

3 years ago i had an affair. She breathed new life in me. She lived in a downtown condo and we shared every interest and had some really long conversations. But the guilt killed me. I told my wife about her and recommitted, we reconciled. Ive never done anything like that again. 

What kept me from leaving then? Lots of reasons. 1. I have loved her for a long time and have no desire to see her in pain or depressed. 2. She has done nothing to deserve what i did. 3. Our kids ate impressionable at their ages. A divorce could damage them and they could rebel with self destructive behavior. 4. We are catholic and my wife is especially devout. A divorce excludes her from communion. 5. Family and friends. Both of our parents are still married after 40 something or more years. All my old friends tell me what a lucky man i am to have such a beautiful wife. A divorce would bring shame to her. And me. 6. Money is the least concern but its there. She makes 35k, i make 110k. Im not sure what my cost would be but its probably significant. 7. What would become of her? She's 34 with 2 kids. Its easier for a man to find someone else. Tougher for women to find a man. (Not just a booty call, yes thats easier for women)

The final and biggest reason is im afraid of making an irreparable mistake. Divorces are final. No going back. What if im wrong? What if this all goes away? I dont want her to be alone, nor me. Later in life you know?

I was just on a business trip and was having drinks with some co workers. I got into a conversation with an attractive lady and although barely knew her, i wanted to ask her out. She is single, living alone, doing what she likes and according to her, in no hurry to marry or have kids. She is enjoying life by going out, traveling, etc. it was all just fantasy as she lives across the country. But i was so jealous of her life. 

Idk what im doing. My wife really is a great lady. I want to love her just like i did. But recently im struggling. Should i suggest a counselor? What can he/she do for us? Or me rather since im the problem.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

You should see a counselor. It sounds as you think you missed out of many things because you married too young. Most of the "love" you say you feel for your wife sounds like compassion because you do not want to hurt her. Love and compassion are different.
Some folks are going to accuse of being selfish and a cheater. They will say outright to divorce your wife since she clearly deserves someone better.
I would suggest visiting a therapist. I think you are staying for all the wrong reasons. 
The worst reason is that you are afraid the grass will not be greener on the other side and you will end up alone. Man up, take chances.
Learn to live with the consequences, she took you back after the affair which was her fault, her mistake. 

See a counselor, get some self assurance that even if you end up alone you will be fine. I think you and your wife both deserve happiness. And please, do not cheat again.


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## Solitaire (Oct 26, 2012)

I know exactly how you feel but from the opposite side. I have been married for 20 years. We were in love and had a great marriage for 7 years. Then I lost him. We quit doing things together. No interests in common. I have ceased to exist. But I love him. I have 3 children, whom I homeschool and I don't want to see get hurt. For years I fought to make things right. I yelled, I cried, I asked for counseling. All that finally got through to him that something was indeed wrong, was saying I wanted him to leave. That was about 5 years ago. He worked hard for a while on our relationship - I did too. When he quit, I kept trying. I tried everything imaginable to keep the spark going. Big things, little things, sexy things... It didn't work. A month ago I went to a high school reunion. I saw someone. He made me smile. I felt alive. Now, I don't want to stay in this marriage. (No, I didn't start an affair.) But, I don't want to hurt my husband. I don't know how to leave. I don't know what it will be like if I do. I don't know if it will be a mistake. But 12 years is a long time to wait for marriage to get better. Counseling is probably a good idea. But it's hard to find the right fit. I think it's soul searching & finding yourself. I wish you luck. And I am sorry you are at a loss.


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## hopeful101 (Nov 6, 2013)

My husband is doing the same thing to me right now. I am certain he wants to be single. we married young. He's going out. I'm certain he's seeing someone now. I do believe he cares, but I do not believe he's "in love" with me any longer or he would have left. I have to say from my side, it would be preferable that he just came out and told me he wants a divorce. I'd rather that than the lies I get now.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Don't flatter yourself; a beautiful 34 year old woman with a job and two kids will have no problem finding a decent guy. I get that you feel like you missed out, so end your marriage and see what's out there. Just think hard about whether you're really going to do better, because there is the possibility that you're not as great of a catch as you think you are. Really not trying to be nasty, just pointing out that the grass may not be greener, and your post suggests you think you're a better catch then your wife. If you screw a bunch of women and find out the grass isn't greener, then what? Is it worth blowing up your family? If you were really unhappy I'd say gtho, but you're risking a lot for new a$$.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Midlife crisis here, stop flirting with other women, you are lucky enough your wife didn't kick you to the curb. Grow up, you have kids and made a commitment. Even if you leave your wife, you still have kids as responsibilities.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Onthefenc (Dec 11, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Don't flatter yourself; a beautiful 34 year old woman with a job and two kids will have no problem finding a decent guy. I get that you feel like you missed out, so end your marriage and see what's out there. Just think hard about whether you're really going to do better, because there is the possibility that you're not as great of a catch as you think you are. Really not trying to be nasty, just pointing out that the grass may not be greener, and your post suggests you think you're a better catch then your wife. If you screw a bunch of women and find out the grass isn't greener, then what? Is it worth blowing up your family? If you were really unhappy I'd say gtho, but you're risking a lot for new a$$.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I didnt think i was flattering myself. Im just pointing to the fact that divorced men with children are looked upon differently than divorced women. And it is a fact. My wife would have no problem finding a date, but a man to stick around may be a different story. 

I am thinking hard about the grass not being greener, or i wouldnt have posted seeking input. I wouldve just left.


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## Onthefenc (Dec 11, 2013)

mablenc said:


> Midlife crisis here, stop flirting with other women, you are lucky enough your wife didn't kick you to the curb. Grow up, you have kids and made a commitment. Even if you leave your wife, you still have kids as responsibilities.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you think thats what it is? I mean, im only 35. I agree i am lucky in that regard. I deserved it and told her so. But she still wanted me. I even told her i wouldnt have done the same. Meaning if she had an affair i wouldve left her. Im aware of my responsibilities. My whole life has been responsibility.


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## Onthefenc (Dec 11, 2013)

hopeful101 said:


> My husband is doing the same thing to me right now. I am certain he wants to be single. we married young. He's going out. I'm certain he's seeing someone now. I do believe he cares, but I do not believe he's "in love" with me any longer or he would have left. I have to say from my side, it would be preferable that he just came out and told me he wants a divorce. I'd rather that than the lies I get now.


Im sorry for your situation. And i appreciate the candor. Although i never lied to her. And im not positive i want one. I know i need to do something


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

I don't get this - or the people telling you to just leave. Real love takes work. If you are unhappy it is not because of her - it is because of you. She is not responsible for your happiness. You are. I am sure there are lots of things about her that DO make you happy... but you give those lesser weight than what you want, but cannot have without hurting her. Why is that?

You made a vow. Does your word really mean nothing to you? I think that attitude - and that of some of these other posters - is a big part of the problem. Everyone wants only what _they_ want all the time - to h*ll with who they hurt to get it. If they aren't _supposed_ to have it, they want it even more - and use anything to justify getting it. It is selfishness pure and simple - somehow that is touted as a good thing these days. It isn't. 

Talk to your father. If he has been married 40+ years I am sure he is a veritable font of information. I am sure, also, that there have been times in his life when he contemplated the exact thing you are now - but didn't do it. Ask him about it. Ask your FIL the same thing. You might be surprised what they tell you.

When you made those vows, did you say "In good times and bad - except when I don't feel like it"? If not, keep your word and do whatever you need to do to find a balance between your own happiness and that of your family. Take joy in the small things and put the selfishness behind you. Develop enough empathy to put yourself in others' shoes (If I was her, would I appreciate this? How would I look to my kids if I did this?). In my opinion, a man without honor isn't much of a man. Go to bed each night making sure you did the best you could in all things and let the rest of the world fend for itself. You will be happier and a much better role model for your children.

Sorry to come across as a d1ck, but this is a trend that really bothers me. My grandparents (married over 50 years) would have been appalled to read some of these replies. Sometimes I am glad they aren't around anymore to see the crap hole the world is sliding into - and all of the dishonorable a$$hats pushing it faster.

It really all boils down to the golden rule, people. If we all did that the world would be a much better place.


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## Onthefenc (Dec 11, 2013)

Honorbound said:


> I don't get this - or the people telling you to just leave. Real love takes work. If you are unhappy it is not because of her - it is because of you. She is not responsible for your happiness. You are. I am sure there are lots of things about her that DO make you happy... but you give those lesser weight than what you want, but cannot have without hurting her. Why is that?
> 
> You made a vow. Does your word really mean nothing to you? I think that attitude - and that of some of these other posters - is a big part of the problem. Everyone wants only what _they_ want all the time - to h*ll with who they hurt to get it. If they aren't _supposed_ to have it, they want it even more - and use anything to justify getting it. It is selfishness pure and simple - somehow that is touted as a good thing these days. It isn't.
> 
> ...


I get your post, however. When you were 20 years old did you make any life changing decisions? Any vows? I have done some things in my time that im not proud of but ive done plenty more that i am. 

And should a man or woman just suck it up and forget about happiness for the rest of his or her life? 

But yes, there are lots of things about her that i love. Of course. Its not really a matter of her v another. Its her v being by myself. 

I have days where i cant imagine her not being there. Then there are days where i swear im just getting a hotel and ending it. 

Im definitely going to go to a mc. I used to be pretty content with my life. I would like to be that way again. But i recognize during those days i was so busy. Too busy to worry about my happiness. I was also in an all male profession, at least where i worked. Deployed, training, college, rinse and repeat. For 10 years all together.


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

It isn't about 'forgetting' about happiness. It is about 'finding' happiness in things that you might have previously overlooked or never thought of (or forgotten).

If you were in some type of seriously dysfunctional relationship, I too would likely urge you to go - for both of your sakes. That doesn't seem to be the case here. I'm simply urging you to count the blessings you have - before losing them irretrievably. Especially when your decision doesn't just affect you - but your entire family.

IC is a good idea.


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