# Need some advice from married women.



## aurora347 (Aug 1, 2010)

Earlier I posted that my wife of 28 years is home visiting her parents for 5 weeks. My wife had her first affair back home about 15 years ago (she had others (two that i know of)since then but they were local). Up to now she hadn't been back home without me. Please read the following letter I wrote to her on eMail. I would like to know your thoughts.

Hey Dear,
I just wanted to type out a quick note here. I hope you are having a great time and I wanted you to know how important this trip is for both of us. When I didn’t hear from you for the first several days and then when we first connected after that it didn’t go well, I must admit that I started to be overcome by anxiety. 
I really viewed this trip as an opportunity to slay old demons; as an opportunity to build and solidify our trust. I wish we were off to a better start but all is not lost. We can still recover. If you want to help me overcome my anxiety and vulnerability you can do a couple of things for me……
First, let me know if there is anything I can do differently or do for you. Tell me how you are feeling.
Second, continue to have a good time and really enjoy your family.
Third, stay in touch.
And finally if you really want to help me the most important and valuable thing you can do for me while you are there is for you to just be you. Be the woman that I know and love. Let me see the person you really are and allow me to respond in kind.
Love,
Your husband Mike


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

aurora347 said:


> Earlier I posted that my wife of 28 years is home visiting her parents for 5 weeks. My wife had her first affair back home about 15 years ago (she had others (two that i know of)since then but they were local). Up to now she hadn't been back home without me. Please read the following letter I wrote to her on eMail. I would like to know your thoughts.
> 
> Hey Dear,
> I just wanted to type out a quick note here. I hope you are having a great time and I wanted you to know how important this trip is for both of us. When I didn’t hear from you for the first several days and then when we first connected after that it didn’t go well, I must admit that I started to be overcome by anxiety.
> ...


Mike-
This is a very nice letter. I hope this woman realizes how wonderful you truly are. My only concern... and I know nothing of your true nature, is that you might be suffocating her with your own insecurities. But I think she should be calling, and staying in contact. When I leave town I call my husband at least once a day. There is no reason why I shouldn't. So I don't really understand her lack of communication with you... it makes no sense. My mom always used to say... "If I don't hear form you, I know you're doing something wrong" ...and she was always right. Not to alarm you. But maybe try and help her see that this is your perspective.


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## summer10 (Jul 15, 2010)

Having been married for 25 yrs and having had the opposite situation (his cheating) I've learned that words don't mean a lot to me; ACTIONS are what counts. My husband writes beautiful words but ... So, as for actions, I would agree with the previous post, don't sufficate her but be attentive and try to be her best friend first. Try to understand what she feels would make your relationship stronger and ask for specifics!! Let her know you won't get mad or pouty (and be true to that), that you seriously want to know and are committed to working on those things. Give her time to miss you while she's gone.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Here's my question...

You've been married for 28 years, your wife leaves for vacation and she didn't contact you for the first several days? Where's her consideration for you? And where's your standing up for yourself?

You should have told her to call upon arriving and make contact 1-2 time a day. She's still your wife.


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## aurora347 (Aug 1, 2010)

Mandia99508 said:


> Mike-
> This is a very nice letter. I hope this woman realizes how wonderful you truly are. My only concern... and I know nothing of your true nature, is that you might be suffocating her with your own insecurities. But I think she should be calling, and staying in contact. When I leave town I call my husband at least once a day. There is no reason why I shouldn't. So I don't really understand her lack of communication with you... it makes no sense. My mom always used to say... "If I don't hear form you, I know you're doing something wrong" ...and she was always right. Not to alarm you. But maybe try and help her see that this is your perspective.


I freally appreciate the response. Its possible I might be suffocating her but to be honest its usually quite the opposite. 

To be fair, there is more information and background and might help explain to perhaps some readers why I stayed. 
Though everyone is responsible for their own behavior, the affairs are somewhat explained. She had tough teenage years as happens on occasion in high schools. I think you know what I mean. At one point she had convinced herself that I was having an affair (I haven't) and that led to hers. We didn't seek proper counseling at the time for help to get through it.

If there is a word to describe me, it is committed. We had 15 years and 5 children (4 girls). I did what was best for my family.
I the coming years she spiraled downward, committed another infidelity, and finally went into near clinical depression. I sure as hell wasn't going to leave her now. Ultimately, she got the help she needed and has really been a wonderdul person since.

Like an old song, or a certain smell can transport you to another place and time, her hometown had that affect on me but in a very negative way. This is really what it came down to for me. I don't think that should be too hard for someone to see and understand. Then when she didn't attempt contact for 6 days, my mind started to spiral. I have no desire to go up there. In a very big way, her family were her enablers. Yet I couldn't deny her a visit to them. In spite of the risks, I know I have lived my life the right way. 

Anyway, we have been in good contact since she got the eMail. We're off to a new start. 

Again, I really thank you for your letter. Your opening sentence was a big help to me


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The only thing I would add is that you DO have the right - given her past - to expect certain respect from her. Such as staying in contact, acknowledging your right to be concerned. In other words, respect yourself enough to not be a doormat. You shouldn't have to ASK her to contact you; you should be able to say "I feel unloved when you don't contact me."


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