# Trying to hang in but at breaking point...



## nextlifechance (Oct 30, 2016)

Hi everyone...thanks in advance for listening and any guidance. I feel so alone and isolated with all that is going on that I feel I am breaking in half. I met my husband in 2007 at a party and he called me the very next day to ask me out for dinner. I wasn't instantly attracted to him but we talked for hours which was way more important. We had communication handled day one...I thought.

A little background: I was a late bloomer in the love department. I am close to 6ft and have been told I am "intimidating" to approach. My first boyfriend was at 26 and it was a very abusive relationship. So when I met my nice, intelligent husband who wasn't possessive or controlling I felt I hit the jackpot. There wasn't extreme passion but passion was part of the problem in the abusive relationship and we had so much in common. It wasn't long before I realized he drank too much but we both liked to party (late 20's in NY and all) but he is six years older and 9 years later still hasn't grown out of it. I think that was my first mistake - when I started to grow out of partying till 4am within the first two years and he did not. But by that time, I loved him AND realized he didn't just drink too much..he was an alcoholic. He turned into a different person when he drank (still does...Bobby Weavey is his drunk name). 

He has done at least 100 things over the 9 years that have hurt me due to his drinking - from almost kissing another girl in front of me to passing out in public places. He's passed out in front of every friend I have and doesn't seem to care. It's my fault...I still married him thinking once we moved to LA and away from the temptations of NY he would get better. But he just started drinking at home. I knew he was an alcoholic. Several friends had warned me - great guy but huge drinking problem. Every time he blacks out - which is often - he wakes up and says "But I wasn't mean to you was I?" "I didn't hit you did I?" I feel like he uses my last relationship to tell me how lucky I am that he drinks but didn't hurt me (but he hurts me in a different way.) I've explained to him over and over that I have spent 9 years living with my husband part-time and the other with Bobby Weavy - It's hard and lonely. He still passes out on the living room floor at least twice a week. I've tried EVERYTHING from intervention to refusing to drink with him but there is always an excuse for him to get blitzed. 

BUT THAT IS NOT THE MAIN ISSUE AT THE MOMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Apologies if this is super long but it feels good to get it out. I can't talk to anyone about this next part because I want to protect his secrets. The first Halloween we were dating in 2007 he wanted to dress up like a woman and I wasn't down with that...it just doesn't do it for me. I think EVERYONE should be able to do their thing but that is just not MY thing in a relationship. He was 37 and told me it wasn't a big deal...just something he liked to do for Halloween....I think you guys know where this is going. 

Right before our second anniversary, he admitted he'd been wearing my clothes while I was at work and was having cravings to dress like a woman. After two days of shock, I encouraged us to see a sex counselor. I went in as both a wife and his best friend. As a friend, I want him to be able to express himself and be who he wants to be. I even went away for a night with a friend so he could cross-dress and see how he felt. He liked it but said the main thing holding him back was that it takes a lot of work being a woman (agreed but not very reassuring). The more I looked into cross-dressing the more I learned that the cravings will get stronger as he gets older. My husband is very passive and would keep this a secret forever if I didn't encourage him to see a therapist to deal with this new identity. BUT as his wife, I am not attracted to that lifestyle or to being married to someone who dresses like a woman. We had a hard year with fertility issues last year but now he wants to focus on these cravings (as he should) but this has been going on in secret for so long and I am the one who has to bring up the topic - which I do often when I recognize he is having cravings. He told me the other day that he kind of idolized me and my "look". He wished I would help him get dressed so he could look like me. In fact, at this moment he is dressing in his female gear to go out to a Halloween party

In conclusion (finally, right?!), I don't know what to do. Throughout this process, my husband has become more of a friend than someone I am attracted too. I assume most marriages lose their attraction after the years but in the past 4 years he has gone from wanting to do this once a year to 25% of the year...and I know its gonna be more and more. As his friend, I want him to get help for his drinking and be with someone who is into the cross-dressing lifestyle. I have really tried to wrap my head around it. But that combined with the alcoholism is too much. He said he was "running errands" yesterday and then came home fully waxed (like I wouldn't notice) and he was clearly getting ready for this Halloween party which he told me about an hour ago. He just asked to borrow a clutch and a ring...which I lent him because I want him to be happy and to try and support him. And now I sob. :crying:

Is it too much to want to be happy. I know part of it is that I am a 6", strong, independent, working woman but MY personal craving is to feel like ALL woman at home. To be the feminine side of the relationship. To be the main feminine part of the relationship. I've been unhappy for so long. I take my vows seriously but I think some serious information was missing when those vows were said. And these are the two biggest issues and there are so many smaller ones.

Meanwhile, I just turned that age where the craving for regular (WAY MORE!) intimacy is intense. He has never really gotten it right but I was young and innocent when we met. (lost my V at 24!) I would never have an affair but do people deserve to have passion and be happy? Or should they stick it out becayse that's marriage? Maybe he's become just a friend and I need to find someone who gives me that spark. I turn 40 next month but still look pretty young...but for how long? It's almost been a decade with little change. I just want my piece of happy and feel like I keep banging my head against a brick wall. I have been fighting for this marriage but he admits he has been self-absorbed and needs to fight for himself. How am I turning 40 with a cross-dressing, alcoholic husband who is on a totally different path than me. And I am tired and sad. And now alone on Halloween with my husband, my clutch and ****tail ring at a party without me.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

You know your paths are not the same, let go of what is hurting your soul... you have suffered enough.


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## nextlifechance (Oct 30, 2016)

Thank you so much...Given that this was my first time telling (writing) my story ever, it felt somewhat freeing to read your reply. Didn't realize how much I needed contact on this topic. 

But I'm so scared...Not easy to turn 40 and change your whole life. I want to be brave and chase a happy life but what if its not out there? I know my husband loves me, so if he can't stop drinking and is committed to cross-dressing than that its super important to him. But he wants to stay together and for me to accept his lifestyle and go out drinking with him dressed as a woman. Basically, he's leaving it up to me because he's passive and can't make a decision. That's why I feel I am breaking in half. I didn't choose this....I am pretty much the same as the day he married me.

But you are right...I just need to find the confidence.


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## nextlifechance (Oct 30, 2016)

*Re: Trying to hang in but at breaking point...UPDATE:broken*

WHY???? I just did something REALLY, really stupid. After I wrote my last email about him dressing like a woman and leaving for the party, I went up to the guest room to finally see the stuff he's worn those couple times. He has made it seem like he has only dressed a few times so far. Something he thinks about and has maybe done a couple times since our marriage. I found BAGS of stuff. Short leopard skirts, mini jean shorts with studs on the pockets, fishnets, and 6-10 dresses that I would wear. Clearly, he has been doing this A LOT. Plus, I found one of my expensive rings. I don't know why I looked...that's not true. I'm trying to build the confidence to leave. It's like I'm looking for the physical proof that is already there in words. I understand alcoholism (even though it hurts me and is like living alone) but I was at a total loss re cross-dressing until I saw all the clothes and the make-up and the streaks of mascara he left in the sink upstairs. THIS HAS NOT WHAT HE HAS BEEN RELAYING TO ME. He has a $250 dress in that bag! I as willing to come up and see him dressed tonight (what do we have to lose) and he said no. He wasn't ready to share with me because he wasn't getting the look right. I know I should've respected his privacy and not played Nancy Drew but this has been going on for so long without any clarity. I just found some clarity in the guest room closet.

I wish I had more relationship experience so I understood things better. I wish he would make the choice to let me go instead of trying to push me into staying and accepting what is not for me. I wish my parents hadn't paid for a huge wedding so I didn't feel guilty. I wish I didn't feel so confused, scared, broken and alone. I am the kind of person that wants to share a life with someone and I've worked almost a decade on this relationship. Thank god for dogs....and for you guys sharing your truths.

Well, at least I took my ring back.

And I just got a drunk text from him...does it always feel like your whole life is falling apart when a marriage is dissolving? His second marriage. My first.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

nextlifechance said:


> Thank you so much...Given that this was my first time telling (writing) my story ever, it felt somewhat freeing to read your reply. Didn't realize how much I needed contact on this topic.
> 
> But I'm so scared...Not easy to turn 40 and change your whole life. I want to be brave and chase a happy life but what if its not out there? I know my husband loves me, so if he can't stop drinking and is committed to cross-dressing than that its super important to him. But he wants to stay together and for me to accept his lifestyle and go out drinking with him dressed as a woman. Basically, he's leaving it up to me because he's passive and can't make a decision. That's why I feel I am breaking in half. I didn't choose this....I am pretty much the same as the day he married me.
> 
> But you are right...I just need to find the confidence.


Confidence is often that quiet voice at the end of the day that tells you what you already know... trust yourself enough to know you will survive what is happening now.

You are not in control of this and you will drive yourself deeper into this whirlpool by not accepting that this is beyond what you can do... sometimes you have to step back and see where you are for what it truly is.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

*Re: Trying to hang in but at breaking point...UPDATE:broken*



nextlifechance said:


> WHY???? I just did something REALLY, really stupid. After I wrote my last email about him dressing like a woman and leaving for the party, I went up to the guest room to finally see the stuff he's worn those couple times. He has made it seem like he has only dressed a few times so far. Something he thinks about and has maybe done a couple times since our marriage. I found BAGS of stuff. Short leopard skirts, mini jean shorts with studs on the pockets, fishnets, and 6-10 dresses that I would wear. Clearly, he has been doing this A LOT. Plus, I found one of my expensive rings. I don't know why I looked...that's not true. I'm trying to build the confidence to leave. It's like I'm looking for the physical proof that is already there in words. I understand alcoholism (even though it hurts me and is like living alone) but I was at a total loss re cross-dressing until I saw all the clothes and the make-up and the streaks of mascara he left in the sink upstairs. THIS HAS NOT WHAT HE HAS BEEN RELAYING TO ME. He has a $250 dress in that bag! I as willing to come up and see him dressed tonight (what do we have to lose) and he said no. He wasn't ready to share with me because he wasn't getting the look right. I know I should've respected his privacy and not played Nancy Drew but this has been going on for so long without any clarity. I just found some clarity in the guest room closet.
> 
> I wish I had more relationship experience so I understood things better. I wish he would make the choice to let me go instead of trying to push me into staying and accepting what is not for me. I wish my parents hadn't paid for a huge wedding so I didn't feel guilty. I wish I didn't feel so confused, scared, broken and alone. I am the kind of person that wants to share a life with someone and I've worked almost a decade on this relationship. Thank god for dogs....and for you guys sharing your truths.
> 
> ...


He doesn't have to choose, the choice is all yours... if you stay there will be suffering, it is that simple.

Be the change you want...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He's out tonight at a party, all dressed up like a woman. And you are sitting home alone? Did I get this right?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I'm not sure why you chose to sign up for being with an alcoholic in the first place, regardless of your height and fear that no other man would have you. You chose to settle and have continued settling since Day #1.

Now he's flying his freak flag on top of being a falling down drunk and again, you're sitting back indulging him in his sh*t behavior.


> But he wants to stay together and for me to accept his lifestyle and go out drinking with him dressed as a woman.


LOL...of COURSE he doesn't want you to leave. You've become his 'mommy' and indulge him in his nonsense and stay with him no matter what idiocy he engages in. You clean up after him, put up with his alcoholism, keep his life on track, make sure the bills are paid and that he has clean laundry to wear (who washes his dresses?) and apparently you even clean the mascara out of the sink after him. He knows damned well there are no woman out there who would even *consider* signing up for his sh*t show. I honestly don't know one woman who would happily date a waxed, cross-dressing alcoholic who needs someone to manage his life for him and who drinks himself into oblivion and humiliates the hell out of the woman he's with because he passes out everywhere he goes.

I think what surprises me the most is that you think if you only had more 'relationship experience,' you'd know better what to do. Seriously? Do you really need to have dated more guys when you were younger or lived with one or two of them in the past to* know* you need to get away from this horrifying dysfunction?

I think you settled right from the start and have continued lowering the bar as time has gone on in order to stay with him because you're afraid that no one else will want you. It's unfortunate that you're not able to clearly see what most others easily can - that you're better off alone than you are being dragged down into the mud with this miscreant.

What you clearly fail to see is that a 'happy life' is based on a HEALTHY life. Your life is NOT healthy. It's filled with codependency and desperation and a constant need to find a way to be OK with his constant garbage. You keep acting scared like if you leave him, you may not find your "happiness" and regret leaving him. Is "happiness" REALLY based on having a drunk for a husband who passes out at your mother's for Sunday dinner or at your sister's place for her kid's 15th Birthday? Or having your drunk husband pass out on the floor once a week? Or finding your husband's stash of women's clothing up in the spare room and finding your stuff mixed in with it that he took out of your dresser? Or perhaps it's watching his shiny, hair-free, newly waxed body emerge from the shower before he powders up and starts putting on his girdle and leopard print dress for the evening? 

Honestly, if THAT is your definition of happiness, then have at it and I wish you much luck. 

But if it's NOT (and I don't know a soul who would think it is) how could you possibly *regret* extricating yourself from such an incredibly dysfunctional situation?


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## joee (Oct 30, 2016)

nextlifechance said:


> Hi everyone...thanks in advance for listening and any guidance. I feel so alone and isolated with all that is going on that I feel I am breaking in half. I met my husband in 2007 at a party and he called me the very next day to ask me out for dinner. I wasn't instantly attracted to him but we talked for hours which was way more important. We had communication handled day one...I thought.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




He's not concerned for you in the slightest & using for many things 
Yes!!!!! Go find your passion & joy!!! That's is what life is, not misery!!!!!
You're finding it hard to distinguish between your wife role & friendship role, but it shouldn't be like that! 
Not in 'marriage'
He's not concerned for you, RUN WHILST YOU CAN!! 
good luck xxxxxx


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## joee (Oct 30, 2016)

joee said:


> He's not concerned for you in the slightest & using for many things
> Yes!!!!! Go find your passion & joy!!! That's is what life is, not misery!!!!!
> You're finding it hard to distinguish between your wife role & friendship role, but it shouldn't be like that!
> Not in 'marriage'
> ...




That is obviously not what your looking for in a husband, you want a REAL man


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

nextlifechance said:


> Thank you so much...Given that this was my first time telling (writing) my story ever, it felt somewhat freeing to read your reply. Didn't realize how much I needed contact on this topic.
> 
> But I'm so scared...Not easy to turn 40 and change your whole life. I want to be brave and chase a happy life but what if its not out there?
> 
> ...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Think about spending three more decades with him before you leave. Not a pleasant thought, is it?

I was in my 30's the first time I discovered my husband cheating and I thought about leaving. I didn't. I finally got out 30 years later. Those years obviously can't be gotten back. And they were gone in what seemed the blink of an eye. 

Believe me, you don't want that life.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I don't have much advice for the cross dressing issue. How's the sex life? While you know about the cross dressing, it seems that he's leading a double life. I think there's even more going on. 

I do know about alcoholism and the effects of it on a marriage and, you, as an individual separate from the marriage. It's devastating. His priorities are alcohol and this cross dressing. You are low on the list, I'm sorry to say that. He's living his life without regard to you. What does he say to you about the drinking? Does he even think that he's an alcoholic? Most need to hit rock bottom before realizing it. I suggest looking up meetings for Al-anon. It will be therapeutic for you to be able to discuss with others that go through the same. They also talk about codependency and enabling. It's important for you to have your own friends and do things for yourself when he's engaging in behavior that you do not approve of. You have absolutely no control over what he does. 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

NextLifeChance: 

Please know that I am sharing this out of concern. 

Also know that this information may not apply to your husband at all ... but it's hard to read, so wanted to prepare you. 

I practice the D/s lifestyle, and wanted to tell you to Get tested for STD's immediately!

I know MANY men who live the cross dressing life in private, and do not tell their wives that they are having sex with men.

It's much more prevalent than people realize, even MANY straight men partake.

So first thing is to test!!

Even if he is telling you of the cross dressing, there may be much he's NOT telling you.

The clothing you described, is many times to get the attention of men. 

Of course, there are also MANY women into this also, who not only accept, but use this in their play and lifestyle.

Strap-on is also a part of this, from both men and women.

If he's going to bars without you, are they gay bars, or where he is SAFE dressing?

If he's in bars that accept this, most likely he's getting hit on, and may or may not be reciprocating.

If he's in any bar, be careful, not all folks are tolerant of this, and some may cause him issues or harm.

Just some things to think about. 

And even if he swears this isn't happening, most men do not reveal.

Big Hugs!


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

Oh and before anyone throws pitchforks, I'm NOT involved with crossdressers, but I know much about their lifestyle, as they talk amongst themselves on the website I'm a member of.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

The man is an alcoholic who is not sexually compatible with you. He was not honest with you about his crossdressing or his alcoholism when you married him, so you married under false pretenses. You have more than enough legitimate reason to leave the marriage based on his alcoholism alone. Add in everything else, you'd be insane to stay. It will only become more difficult as time passes. Stop wasting your life. It is finite and precious.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

You are not ever to old to get out of a miserable marriage and start over. I was older than you when I got my courage and now have a wonderful husband.

You can do this, why do you have to spend the rest of your life unhappy and crying a lone at home while he does what he wants?

The hardest part is leaving, but once I did I felt a wonderful freedom away from the life I thought that I had to stay in forever.


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

hmmm...so...I was married before and someone lied to me about something important enough that I left. They knew what they wanted in life and when they wanted it, but, they forgot to mention that when we were dating and got married. He's probably know and been cross dressing for some time and just didn't tell you (and maybe that is why the first marriage ended). Hence, maybe if you look at it in that perspective, as in he lied to you from the onset and you are not compatible, it will make it a little easier when you leave and I am sorry that you have to go through this hurt.

Hope this helps...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm 58 and I'm STILL considering whether to divorce and start a 'new' life. It's never too late. And if you're not interested in having more kids, I guarantee there are millions of men out there looking for a good, loving, dedicated woman to share their lives with. My neighbor lost two wives to disease, and then married a third wife, in her late 40s. And, IMO, those men your age or older who are looking for younger women? Those are the screwed up men who are trying to reclaim their youth and who are insecure and horrible partners. In other words, the men you'll attract - should you decide to even date again (I won't) - will be the kinds you're looking for.

Love isn't just about looks and sex and romance. The REAL love is about something in common and respecting each other and, yes, having passion for one another. You'll find it - with the right man.

Set your husband free to find his own path. You may even help him, because he won't have you there enabling him to remain status quo.


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## nextlifechance (Oct 30, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I'm not sure why you chose to sign up for being with an alcoholic in the first place, regardless of your height and fear that no other man would have you. You chose to settle and have continued settling since Day #1.
> 
> Now he's flying his freak flag on top of being a falling down drunk and again, you're sitting back indulging him in his sh*t behavior.
> 
> ...



------------
At first this message really hurt - especially the "LOL". Not much to laugh out loud about. Especially, when I finally got the nerve to write here for support. I was writing in a stream of consciousness while my husband was upstairs breaking my heart. Last night was the first time I was home while he was dressing as a woman. He's been denying this side of him for awhile. 

You are totally right about trying to ignore the alcohol problems before marrying him. But it was a cycle: he would do something dumb while drunk, strongly apologize the next morning, and he would stop drinking for awhile. Then slowly he would have one beer and a month later he would be back on the drunk train. Maybe it was because I used to drink with him in the beginning and felt guilty. Maybe it's pathetic but after being in a physically abusive relationship, the drinking didn't seem so huge at the time. Not to mention that the drinking got way worse throughout the years as the cycle continued. But I can't lie and say there wasn't a tiny voice on my wedding day that knew. In fact, he got so drunk at our wedding that when we got to the hotel, he ripped all the buttons off my wedding dress to help me out of it and then passed out. I know..very romantic. Especially, when I asked him to pace himself.

The height issue has more to do with my desire to feel like the woman in a relationship - definitely not about being able to find a man. When I was younger, I was always asked to play the male role in dance class or theater when there was an uneven ratio. I was always jealous of the small girls who could jump up on a man and wrap her legs around his waist. I'm thin but I would still knock most men over with a stunt like that. And in terms of more relationship experience: My first BF at 26 was possessive and I thought that was love! So naive. 

And my life is definitely NOT the definition for happiness or I wouldn't have reached out to you guys about how miserable I am. But my husband and I have shared a lot the last decade and it's not ALL been bad. In fact, I think he is a good man with a lot of problems and someone I care about (call me stupid) but I realize I can't try to help him anymore. The codependency has to stop. I think I've always tried to fix broken people - even friends. And that is something I need to figure out why.

There are MANY women who stay with their crossdressing spouses - even after being lied to for years. Some women are even turned on by it. I think I've been trying to be that woman but I am not. And he knew my feelings on this within 6 months of dating. He swears he didn't realize it would turn into such a big deal at the time. I don't believe he didn't know more about this side of himself at 36. I think he was afraid to tell me and i would leave.

Even reading my own words makes it seem obvious to leave but it's still hard. I appreciate your somewhat "tough love" and your time in writing me back. You gave me a lot to think about.At first this message really hurt - especially the "LOL". Not much to laugh out loud about. Especially, when I finally got the nerve to write here for support. I was writing in a stream of consciousness while my husband was upstairs breaking my heart. Last night was the first time I was home while he was dressing as a woman. He's been denying this side of him for awhile. 

The height issue has more to do with my desire to feel like the woman in a relationship - definitely not about being able to find a man. When I was younger, I was always asked to play the male role in dance class or theater when there was an uneven ratio. I was always jealous of the small girls who could jump up on a man and wrap her legs around his waist. I', thin but I would still knock most men over with a stunt like that. And in terms of more relationship experience: My first BF at 26 was possessive and I thought that was love! So naive. 

And my life is definitely NOT the definition for happiness or I wouldn't have reached out to you guys about how miserable I am. But my husband and I have shared a lot the last decade and it's not ALL been bad. In fact, I think he is a good man with a lot of problems and someone I care about (call me stupid) but I realize I can't try to help him anymore. The codependency has to stop. I think I've always tried to fix broken people - even friends. And that is something I need to figure out why.

You are totally right about trying to ignore the alcohol problems before marrying him. But it was a cycle: he would do something dumb while drunk, strongly apologize the next morning, and he would stop drinking for awhile. Then slowly he would have one beer and a month later he would be back on the drunk train. Maybe it was because I used to drink with him in the beginning and felt guilty. Maybe it's pathetic but after being in a physically abusive relationship, the drinking didn't seem so huge at the time. Not to mention that the drinking got way worse throughout the years as the cycle continued. But I can't lie and say there wasn't a tiny voice on my wedding day that knew. In fact, he got so drunk at our wedding that when we got to the hotel, he ripped all the buttons off my wedding dress to help me out of it and then passed out. I know..very romantic. Especially, when I asked him to pace himself.

There are MANY women who stay with their crossdressing spouses - even after being lied to for years. Some women are even turned on by it. I think I've been trying to be that woman but I am not. And he knew my feelings on this within 6 months of dating. He swears he didn't realize it would turn into such a big deal at the time. I don't believe he didn't know more about this side of himself at 36. I think he was afraid to tell me and i would leave.

Even reading my own words makes it seem obvious to leave but it's still hard. I appreciate your somewhat "tough love" and your time in writing me back. You gave me a lot to think about.


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## nextlifechance (Oct 30, 2016)

joee said:


> He's not concerned for you in the slightest & using for many things
> Yes!!!!! Go find your passion & joy!!! That's is what life is, not misery!!!!!
> You're finding it hard to distinguish between your wife role & friendship role, but it shouldn't be like that!
> Not in 'marriage'
> ...


You hit the nail on the head! I actually told him your exact words this morning. I am TOTALLY finding it hard to distinguish the wife role and the friendship role. And I told him this morning that I am taking the wife role out of this equation and going to try and support him as a friend. I guess he really enjoyed dressing up last night and knows that is his future. I confessed to finding all the clothes. We are on different paths. He agrees but says he is still madly in love with me and very attracted to me. That re-enforced that I am not and haven't been in so long. I told him he was being selfish, trying to have it all his way. He agreed.

And then he asked me to help him learn how to dress like a woman. I told him I needed some time but I would try to be his friend and help him but the wife part has to go away. He seems way more interested in exploring his crossdressing than saving our marriage. If he is exploring a future without me than I want to start dating other people in the new year. Think we can we stay friends?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Your height and the age of your crossover to womenhood is the least of your' worries. Really!

Your two big worries are these:

1) You married a man who his not a man. He lied. Your' wedding vows did not include through sickness and through more sickness.

2) Your' lack of confidence in your own worth and your co-dependency on him to provide the aforementioned confidence and worth.

Divorce this strange person.

If you are tall, be fit, well dressed, well groomed. And be fun to be with. Do these things and you will find a good man. Trust me.

Good luck and God Bless you.


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## nextlifechance (Oct 30, 2016)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I don't have much advice for the cross dressing issue. How's the sex life? While you know about the cross dressing, it seems that he's leading a double life. I think there's even more going on.
> 
> I do know about alcoholism and the effects of it on a marriage and, you, as an individual separate from the marriage. It's devastating. His priorities are alcohol and this cross dressing. You are low on the list, I'm sorry to say that. He's living his life without regard to you. What does he say to you about the drinking? Does he even think that he's an alcoholic? Most need to hit rock bottom before realizing it. I suggest looking up meetings for Al-anon. It will be therapeutic for you to be able to discuss with others that go through the same. They also talk about codependency and enabling. It's important for you to have your own friends and do things for yourself when he's engaging in behavior that you do not approve of. You have absolutely no control over what he does.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


Embarrassing moment: We haven't had sex in almost a year. It partially has to do with a miscarriage I had on my birthday last year. But I see him differently. I like a little hair on a man's chest and he waxes all hair everywhere. I know it's a little thing but over the last year his laundry had more leggings and less jeans. Not to mention, it's hard to have sex with someone who is passed out a couple times a week. I am so no attracted to him when he's drunk. Between that and the CD, I am turned off to the point of no return. At first, I assumed a lot of marriages see a reduction in sex but I was making excuses.

He doesn't think he is an alcoholic. He thinks he abuses alcohol at times but since he can go days without a sip he thinks that means he isn't an alcoholic. He even quit for 6 months last year (best 6 months of our marriage). He has about 40 reasons why he gets drunk...hard day at work, the election, a need to unwind, cold drinks go down faster, it's Arbor Day, blah, blah blah. This morning he said its really been bc he's been hiding his true nature as a crossdresser. I don't buy it. I think he doesn't want to grow up and because...well, he's an alcoholic. 

I had been suffering from clinical depression the last year and had become totally isolated. Aside from the home life, I found out I can't have children, my best friend committed suicide and I lost my dream job - all within two weeks. So I kind of pushed all this down till I was stronger to deal. I pulled, dragged and crawled my way out of the hole of depression to find my life outside the hole wasn't much better. I finally feel strong to address these issues. Even though it's still hard and breaking me in half. 

I looked into Al-anon today.


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## nextlifechance (Oct 30, 2016)

dianaelaine59 said:


> NextLifeChance:
> 
> Please know that I am sharing this out of concern.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this email. Gave me the courage to come out and ask him. I asked him how it went last night and he said he really liked it though some men gave him crap when they realized he was not a woman. I asked him if a man was interested in being with him even after finding out he was a man AND HE SAID HE WASN'T SURE!! Now he may be bi-sexual!?

He swears he has never had an affair and last night was the first time he felt comfortable enough to go out dressed because it was Halloween. But I NEVER thought he would waver on that question. He just keeps stressing how much he wants to have sex with me and is so attracted to me. 

At this point, I need to take care of me and get tested. It's nice to hear from someone who is educated on this topic. Because as much as I read about it - I feel a little lost.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You and only you have a choice to make, only you can make it:

1. stay with him and continue to be miserable, trying to accept his cross-dressing and his alcoholism

2. Leave and start a new life, where you pick the next person more cautiously

We all make choices based on the costs and benefits of staying or leaving. Only when the costs to your emotional health outweigh the benefits, will you leave.


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## nextlifechance (Oct 30, 2016)

turnera said:


> I'm 58 and I'm STILL considering whether to divorce and start a 'new' life. It's never too late. And if you're not interested in having more kids, I guarantee there are millions of men out there looking for a good, loving, dedicated woman to share their lives with. My neighbor lost two lives to disease, and then married a third wife, in her late 40s. And, IMO, those men your age or older who are looking for younger women? Those are the screwed up men who are trying to reclaim their youth and who are insecure and horrible partners. In other words, the men you'll attract - should you decide to even date again (I won't) - will be the kinds you're looking for.
> 
> Love isn't just about looks and sex and romance. The REAL love is about something in common and respecting each other and, yes, having passion for one another. You'll find it - with the right man.
> 
> Set your husband free to find his own path. You may even help him, because he won't have you there enabling him to remain status quo.


Sadly, I do not have any children. I really wanted them but clearly there were a lot of reasons we waited and when I decided to freeze my eggs I found out I was infertile. We were going to look into other options but we both kept putting it off. Him because he wanted to focus on figuring out his identity at 46 and I was hesitant because of the alcohol. This is my biggest regret. My Dad keeps asking why we aren't trying to figure out the kids thing but I can't tell him the whole story. Maybe I will meet someone who already has kids. Or maybe its something I have to come to terms with. It causes me so much pain. This is not how I saw my life playing out. But I know I carry some blame here. I can't remember the last time I felt passion towards my husband but I thought that was what happened in marriage.

Plus, I live in LA where the shallow men you mentioned come in droves. I have to do this for me. Even though I want to find someone to share my life, I need to do this for me (have I convinced myself yet?).

It's easier as I sit here watching TV with my husband who is wearing leggings and nail polish. How quickly he is pushing my "acceptance". I want to be a good person. A good friend. Having trouble finding the line between packing my bags tonight and wasting more time on something that is not working.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

If you want to be his friend and be supportive of him you can do that without living with him as his wife.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

nextlifechance said:


> Embarrassing moment: We haven't had sex in almost a year. It partially has to do with a miscarriage I had on my birthday last year. But I see him differently. I like a little hair on a man's chest and he waxes all hair everywhere. I know it's a little thing but over the last year his laundry had more leggings and less jeans. Not to mention, it's hard to have sex with someone who is passed out a couple times a week. I am so no attracted to him when he's drunk. Between that and the CD, I am turned off to the point of no return. At first, I assumed a lot of marriages see a reduction in sex but I was making excuses.
> 
> He doesn't think he is an alcoholic. He thinks he abuses alcohol at times but since he can go days without a sip he thinks that means he isn't an alcoholic. He even quit for 6 months last year (best 6 months of our marriage). He has about 40 reasons why he gets drunk...hard day at work, the election, a need to unwind, cold drinks go down faster, it's Arbor Day, blah, blah blah. This morning he said its really been bc he's been hiding his true nature as a crossdresser. I don't buy it. I think he doesn't want to grow up and because...well, he's an alcoholic.
> 
> ...


My heart aches for you. I think it's important for you to start letting go of this secret. Confide in your closest friends and family members; only those that you can trust. It'll lift a lot of weight off of your shoulders, along with going to Al-anon. Schedule a visit with an attorney to find out what the process is and what to expect. He's leading a lifestyle that you're not on board with. Let him be who he wants to be and go your own separate ways. You two are not compatible. You can date others that are more family oriented. To fulfill your maternal desires, there's always adoption and perhaps being a step mother. But the first step is, move forward in separation then divorce.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Here is my advice. Divorce and remain friends ONLY if you can. Pursue your life and find your passion. Dress and act like the tall feminine woman you are. Find your soul mate.

You've done everything you can. You've done your time and now you can let go.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> If you want to be his friend and be supportive of him you can do that without living with him as his wife.


THIS. 

If you cant find the courage to leave him for YOURSELF, then leave him for his own good. Maybe once he is on his own, he can fully accept himself and how he wants to live. Maybe his drinking is his way of coping with feeling like he cannot live as he feels he should, who knows. Im not saying that YOU are holding him back, he is a grown man who makes his own choices, and he chooses to stay in the comfort of a familiar situation where someone takes care of him instead of getting out on his own. If you think you can be his friend after, then do that. Keep in mind though that any friendship with him may cause issues for romantic partners down the line....

Set you both free. You deserve to be happy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

nextlifechance said:


> And then he asked me to help him learn how to dress like a woman. I told him I needed some time but I would try to be his friend and help him but the wife part has to go away. He seems way more interested in exploring his crossdressing than saving our marriage. If he is exploring a future without me than I want to start dating other people in the new year. Think we can we stay friends?


Here's how you handle this. You go to a lawyer, you write up a divorce decree, you take it to him to sign, and you file.

Then you start looking for a new place to live, and you MOVE OUT.

Then you find a really good therapist who will help you sort out the codependency and the alcoholic enablement.

Then you start living your own, real life. 

And while you're doing that - and ONLY after you have done the above steps, you can hang out with him from time to time and 'help' him learn how to be female. 

But not until you get YOUR life sorted out first.

btw, one of DD26's former boyfriends is now a female; it's made her (the former boyfriend) life much better.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

nextlifechance said:


> Sadly, I do not have any children. I really wanted them but clearly there were a lot of reasons we waited and when I decided to freeze my eggs I found out I was infertile. We were going to look into other options but we both kept putting it off. Him because he wanted to focus on figuring out his identity at 46 and I was hesitant because of the alcohol. This is my biggest regret. My Dad keeps asking why we aren't trying to figure out the kids thing but I can't tell him the whole story. Maybe I will meet someone who already has kids. Or maybe its something I have to come to terms with. It causes me so much pain. This is not how I saw my life playing out. But I know I carry some blame here. I can't remember the last time I felt passion towards my husband but I thought that was what happened in marriage.
> 
> Plus, I live in LA where the shallow men you mentioned come in droves. I have to do this for me. Even though I want to find someone to share my life, I need to do this for me (have I convinced myself yet?).
> 
> It's easier as I sit here watching TV with my husband who is wearing leggings and nail polish. How quickly he is pushing my "acceptance". I want to be a good person. A good friend. Having trouble finding the line between packing my bags tonight and wasting more time on something that is not working.


Once you get divorced, you will make an amazing foster parent.


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## joee (Oct 30, 2016)

nextlifechance said:


> You hit the nail on the head! I actually told him your exact words this morning. I am TOTALLY finding it hard to distinguish the wife role and the friendship role. And I told him this morning that I am taking the wife role out of this equation and going to try and support him as a friend. I guess he really enjoyed dressing up last night and knows that is his future. I confessed to finding all the clothes. We are on different paths. He agrees but says he is still madly in love with me and very attracted to me. That re-enforced that I am not and haven't been in so long. I told him he was being selfish, trying to have it all his way. He agreed.
> 
> 
> 
> And then he asked me to help him learn how to dress like a woman. I told him I needed some time but I would try to be his friend and help him but the wife part has to go away. He seems way more interested in exploring his crossdressing than saving our marriage. If he is exploring a future without me than I want to start dating other people in the new year. Think we can we stay friends?




U choose either marriage or friendship 
If it's a friend ur supporting him as
Go!!!!! Divorce and Be Happy!!!! 
Look for a happy life, make a happy life for u, once established u might not need him as a friend
Heal first! Cut the chords!!!!!
Then if u both want to be friends great
Run!!!!!!


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

*Re: Trying to hang in but at breaking point...UPDATE:broken*



nextlifechance said:


> I saw all the clothes and the make-up and the streaks of mascara he left in the sink upstairs. THIS HAS NOT WHAT HE HAS BEEN RELAYING TO ME. He has a $250 dress in that bag!
> 
> Well, at least I took my ring back..


You're entitled to half of those clothing as part of the divorce settlement.

Think of it as hand me downs.


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## FBOW (Oct 31, 2016)

Well, I am really new here and I'm not sure how qualified I am to be giving anyone advice... but I'm sorry. I'm sorry this happened to you. Sometimes you don't fully realize the extent of someone's dependence or abuse of alcohol until they get older. Lots of people party hard in their 20s and then let up in their 30s after marriage, career, kids, etc. As far as the cross-dressing goes, while I realize that not all men who cross-dress are gay, I compare it to your spouse coming out as gay or bi-sexual. It's something you can either live with (in the case of cross-dressing or bisexuality), or you can't. Period. You can't and don't want to, and why should you? You are living a lie and do not need to keep his secrets the remainder of your days. 

For your own sanity and safety, I think you should move out immediately and leave him a letter. You can talk on the phone or in person (in a public place) at a later time. I say this because of his alcohol addiction. If you try to discuss it in person, even if he's never been violent with you before, he may start drinking immediately and lash out, or get so tanked you are in a position where you cannot leave (in good conscience). 

You can do this. You should do this. And I'm sorry you have to do this, I really am.


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