# 5 weeks separated, looking for hope.



## James0204 (Jul 12, 2020)

My wife (30F) left me (32M) 5 weeks ago. Been together 5 years, married nearly 2.

Honestly thought there was nothing wrong with our marriage. In February, she calls me at work and says she doesn't feel like herself. I come home and we talk and she says she's feeling depressed and believes it may have to do with our marriage. We have a long talk about what we should work on and I feel like we got to a good agreement. 

A week later, she's started texting a guy from work and met him out for drinks a few times. I ask to meet him one evening and she says no, that she just needs space. I finally meet him a few days later, she gets drunk and tries to kiss him and admits she developed feelings for him. 

After this, she cut off all communication and said she really wanted to work on our marriage. She still wasn't feeling happy (she's been on meds for anxiety and depression for several years). Again, I feel like everything is going fine, and another man comes along. She starts texting him a lot, but I don't worry too much as he's 18yrs older and not attractive. I begin feeling uneasy as she's constantly texting him, taking her phone into the bathroom to text him, etc. One weekend, she comes to be and says she no longer wants to work on our marriage, that she hasn't been in love with me since we got married, and she just isn't cut out for marriage. 

I keep fighting for our marriage, though. I get suspicious a few days later and look at her phone and find inappropriate texts between the 2 of them and a deleted picture she swore she didn't send him. We get into a huge fight and cotninue fighting the next day. At this point, she decides she needs to leave and wants a separation. 

The next several weeks are full of tension as she continues to text this guy (16k texts in 1 month, from the time she woke up until she went to sleep every day). She's also hanging out with him and lying to be about it. After another big fight, she finds an apartment and moves out. At this point I told her I'd still be willing to work on our marriage, but she has no desire to and says the separation is permanent. 

Since then, we've talked a few times, she came picked up the rest of her stuff, and then I decided to go No Contact. At first, she reached out every few days asking some question or something random that just seemed like an excuse. Then 2 weeks ago I got a long text apologizing, saying she'll never forgive herself for how much she hurt me, that I deserve someone who appreciates me and that's just not her. She said she would stop bothering me (2nd time she's said that). 

Then a few days ago I get a missed call and a text asking if she'll ever see me again, she's so sorry for everything, she's going to miss me, and hopes I do well in life. 

I just don't know at this point what to do. I love her and I've realized that even more since she left. I want our marriage to work, but she's been clear that she thinks there's no hope. I honestly believe it's a combination of her anti-depressants and turning 30 (she took it roughly), and that she's honestly unhappy but our marriage was the easiest thing to blame. She's told me multiple times Im a great person and husband and she just isn't cut out for marriage. I never asked or expected much of her - were both laid back people, both have jobs, own a house and have pets, no kids but had talked about it as recently as December. 

Friends are telling me I should just let her go, that she cheated (emotional affair for sure, possibly physical) and that all her dishonesty would make it very hard to reconcile, especially if she doesn't want to. Part of me feels like she got backed into a corner and felt this was the only/easiest way out and was probably manipulated by this other man as well. 

Any advice? Suggestions? I want our marriage to work but I don't know how to tell if she's coming around at all or not. I haven't answered her last few texts and have thought about sending her a long letter detailing my feelings and our relationship.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Or you could try to get a broom and dust pan so that you can sweep up what’s left of your own self respect off the floor.
Boy if you could just read your own story with someone else’s eyes.... you would hate yourself.

It’s over.... beyond over.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Your marriage is over. Let it go. Move on.

Find another woman that wants all of you, and only you, all of the time.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

The first thing you do is tell yourself you deserve better.
The second thing you do is get yourself a shark for an attorney and file on her.
At that point, you will know what you have.
If there is anything to save, it is incumbent upon her to work to save it.
Don't bother, she's not worth it.
Go no contact with her. Let the attorney deal with it.
You are not her priority. Don't allow her to make you an option.
Find someone who wants to be with you and love you.
Life is too short to settle for anything less.


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## James0204 (Jul 12, 2020)

Tdbo said:


> The first thing you do is tell yourself you deserve better.
> The second thing you do is get yourself a shark for an attorney and file on her.
> At that point, you will know what you have.
> If there is anything to save, it is incumbent upon her to work to save it.
> ...


She already signed a separation agreement when she left. Got everything I wanted, financially, she didn't fight or argue much for anything. Signed over the house to me, we each kept our own bank accounts. 

I keep thinking her choices weren't rational when she was making them, but maybe I'm just idealizing her. I'm truly in love for the first time so this is a struggle.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

James0204 said:


> She already signed a separation agreement when she left. Got everything I wanted, financially, she didn't fight or argue much for anything. Signed over the house to me, we each kept our own bank accounts.
> 
> I keep thinking her choices weren't rational when she was making them, but maybe I'm just idealizing her. I'm truly in love for the first time so this is a struggle.


Good. You are in the catbird seat.
Move on. There are a lot of good women who want a good man to love.
Find one of those. Live the life you dream of. Much better you find out what she is now, instead of two kids later.


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## JJHates2020 (Jul 11, 2020)

Hi, 

I'll tell you something, most women leave or cheat because they feel they are neglected. You seem to be blindsided about her unhappiness with the marriage. So I ask, was your marriage just "fine" or was it "good". I feel like men often do the bare minimum and expect some type of award for it (just my thought). Maybe I'm a little cynical because I'm also considering filing for a divorce from my husband. 

I bet she has been harboring some of these feelings for a while and that they didn't just spring up out of nowhere. That being said, it seems like she has given up on the relationship and looks elsewhere to find happiness. Of course, you two still care about each other and that's what makes separation and divorce difficult. 

You now have a chance to reflect on how to improve as a partner and husband for your next relationship. It's better to look forward than back


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## James0204 (Jul 12, 2020)

JJHates2020 said:


> Hi,
> 
> I'll tell you something, most women leave or cheat because they feel they are neglected. You seem to be blindsided about her unhappiness with the marriage. So I ask, was your marriage just "fine" or was it "good". I feel like men often do the bare minimum and expect some type of award for it (just my thought). Maybe I'm a little cynical because I'm also considering filing for a divorce from my husband.
> 
> ...


I was always the one who cooked romantic meals, planned trips, arranged get togethers with friends. 

I think she may just not have appreciated those kind of things. She never communicated her unhappiness to me. Reflecting, we both got complacent I guess, but it never seemed to bother her. In fact, it was hard to get her to get out of the house and do anything. She didn't have any friends and didtn keep in touch with old ones. 

She's told me several times that I didn't do anything wrong and was a great husband. I don't know, maybe she's right and she just wasn't cut out for a committed relationship.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Women usually have this stuff figured out for a long time before they pull the trigger Just like @JJHates2020 ..... she already knows... already working it out. When a woman decides she is done .... she is done for good. She has been done for a long time ... it’s only new to you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She’s done. Let go and focus on you. Maybe someday she’ll come back. Maybe you’ll still care if she does. But that’s unknown. Right now she’s moved on and you need to as well.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

James0204 said:


> She already signed a separation agreement when she left. Got everything I wanted, financially, she didn't fight or argue much for anything. Signed over the house to me, we each kept our own bank accounts.
> 
> I keep thinking her choices weren't rational when she was making them, but maybe I'm just idealizing her. I'm truly in love for the first time so this is a struggle.


They aren't rational, which is even more cause to let her go.

It hurts, man. Losing a marriage always does. But imagine investing another five years in this woman for her to repeat this behavior.

Love yourself enough to refuse to tolerate the intolerable.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## confusedinCA2020 (Jul 2, 2020)

I am going through very similar times and do not know how to let go either. We were together for 15 years and he is leaving me. He is acting like it is no big deal but I am struggling so badly. Everyone is telling me it is for the best and it probably is...but I still can’t cope.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

James0204 said:


> I keep thinking her choices weren't rational when she was making them, but maybe I'm just idealizing her. I'm truly in love for the first time so this is a struggle.


Why do you think you know better what she feels and wants? She told you she wants out, she left you already. How more direct could she be?

accept it, this is over. It will hurt for long time, but there is nothing to save here. Work on acceptance, and moving on. 

You deserve someone better anyway.


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## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

It does hurts... it will hurt for a while. But she is done. It seems you are just trying to find excuses for her behavior. I know because I do the same for people. But it is a mistake. A person who really wants something and love someone will not behave in such a way. It seems she was just looking for a way our of your marriage. I'm really sorry. I know it's hard to realize it. Stay strong


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## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

My friend,

Right there with you...my wife moved out April 10 with my 13 year old and Step-Child. Still hurts...but...I can now say what moat are saying...and that is she did this, she left you, time to figure out how to move on. I have taken up certain hobbies to work on re-framing my mind, and stayed focused on the health of my Children. No, it doesn't take the pain away...but one day at a time, one thought at a time, and focus on being happy. 

I put up with being used for income and benefits for years. Time to focus on being with someone who deserves my best...instead of expects it for nothing in return. I hope you have it better as time progresses...because ultimately...for those of us who truly loved our spouses...and have been hurt, time is the best cure, unfortunately. 

I wish you the best. And hope you find what you deserve, my friend. Good Luck!


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## Mel1234 (Apr 18, 2020)

I’m so sorry you are going through this. It doesn’t sound like she will be changing her mind any time soon. Regardless, she has disrespected you and you deserve better than that. As difficult as it is, it’s time to move on and find someone that will make you happier than she did. You will get through this!


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## BHB4408 (Oct 9, 2017)

I lived through a similar experience. Even after I found out she was cheating, I still said I would want to work it out. At the time, I thought it was the right thing to do. Any good husband would fight for what's right, right? 

Please consider this. I decided not to fight for it. I accepted the separation, and waited the 6 months to file for divorce. I was so tired of the unknown, limbo, wondering, and dreaming of a reconciliation. I'm two years past that now, and as I look back, I realize what a mistake it would have been to live on my knees looking up. Regardless of the excuses you've come up with, you will have a huge weight off your shoulders if you stand up tall, and stick your chest out, and head for the hills. Don't apologize, beg, or allow yourself to sink into excuses. There is very little reason in the world that would make it acceptable for her to give up on a marriage and true love. Cheating with another man will make her feel that way. Do what I did, find a woman who can't wait to be with you every day. It may not last either, but giving it a shot you'll find you can love again, and shoot for the stars. There is so much relief in getting rid on the Limbo Life.


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