# My husband's fantasies are more than fantasies....



## zaliblue (Apr 26, 2011)

So my husband and I have been together for 11 years and married for 5....we have only ever been with one another....we are both very sexual people and open to many things! We watch porn together, tell each other our fantasies..we don't judge one another because of them....however one of the fantasies that my husband and I both find....sexy...is having a 3 way with another man....I have thought of this many times while masturbating and he has told me that he has too....he finds the thought of watching another man have sex with me while I pleasure him sexy...I do too of course...here's the thing though...I love that I've only ever been with him...it's fun to talk about and all but it's just a fantasy...something erotica to thibk about and talk about but never to actually act on....however tonight we were getting off together and he was talking about it and kept saying over and over that he would be okay with it....it hurts my feelings in a way that he would be okay with letting another man have me....I only want him...sure it's hot to thibk about but I would never do it! I'm his and his obly.....I don't want him to feel like I'm judging him but I feel like this is becomming more than just a fantasy for him....I'm ho estly hurt....anyway sorry if this comes off horribly (grammer) but I'm ob my phone and autocorrect t sucks and it's only letting me see one word that I type at a time....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Don't do it. There's a truckload of stories here on TAM regarding relationships and marriages that ended up in the dumpster over this subject, and the people who went through with it. When fantasies cross over into reality it doesn't (well, rarely) end well.

Sit him down and explain to him that you're not comfortable with it, and his pressure and lack of respect for your feelings and boundaries are hurting you. 

If he can't respect that, he should seek counselling.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Zalieblue
Fantasies are great, and its very nice to be accepting of someone's fantasies, but its also perfectly OK to decide that there are some you don't want to act out.

Since you seem to also enjoy it as fantasy, just be clear to him that you are NOT interested in real life.


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## zaliblue (Apr 26, 2011)

DayOne said:


> Don't do it. There's a truckload of stories here on TAM regarding relationships and marriages that ended up in the dumpster over this subject, and the people who went through with it. When fantasies cross over into reality it doesn't (well, rarely) end well.
> 
> Sit him down and explain to him that you're not comfortable with it, and his pressure and lack of respect for your feelings and boundaries are hurting you.
> 
> If he can't respect that, he should seek counselling.


Thank you for responding! I don't want to do it and honestly he isn't pressuring me into it...however I know if the opportunity presented itself and I agreed he would do it and this hurts my feelings....I love that I'm only his...however I guess it doesn't mean as much to him as it does to me....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

I know of two couples who took this fantasy all the way. 

Both are now divorced...because of this. Both men couldn't look at their wife the same way again. Both became convinced their wife was cheating. probably, because, in fact, they did...with consent. Just stupid. Some things can't be un-seen. 

You are correct to be concerned. I can't think of a sane man that would be OK with watching his wife with another man. Not one. 

it would be a good idea to have a complete and frank discussion about this with your husband...a discussion that occurs, not in bed, not during or before sex, not in a sexually charged way at all. Make it a sit down meeting, about your concerns.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

zaliblue said:


> Thank you for responding! I don't want to do it and honestly he isn't pressuring me into it...however I know if the opportunity presented itself and I agreed he would do it and this hurts my feelings....I love that I'm only his...however I guess it doesn't mean as much to him as it does to me....


Rule #1. Be true to yourself.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

zaliblue said:


> Thank you for responding! I don't want to do it and honestly he isn't pressuring me into it...however I know if the opportunity presented itself and I agreed he would do it and this hurts my feelings....I love that I'm only his...however I guess it doesn't mean as much to him as it does to me....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think you should be very, very clear with your husband about this. 

You may be misunderstanding him and he doesn't really want to DO this, just to talk about it.

Or you might be right and he does want to do it, in which case, you really need to have this discussion and be very clear on how his desire to act out this fantasy is hurting you, hurting your faith in the love he has for you, and is hurting your impression and respect for him.

This is a BIG issue if he really wants you to have sex with another man. You must be very clear that this is not up for debate.


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## CondorTX19 (Jun 19, 2012)

My late wife and I had several threesomes and as fun as they were they still caused problems. The third parties would try to see her on the side, showing up unannounced while I was at work. We had good communications and were very honest with each other and would discuss these situations as they came up. It would make her uncomfortable when they would do this to her. One even tried to win her over as his wife. I would tell him, Hey! your making her feel uneasy, please don't do that. If we want to play we will let you know. He denied it of course. My wife enjoyed it as well so we did ok with the encounters both male and female. I didn't push her into doing it at anytime. If she was not in the mood I would respect that and the same went for me if I was not in the mood. 
Fast forward and with my current wife, we have discussed the idea and in fantasy its fun but in reality it hurt her feelings greatly to know that I would be ok with another man touching her. She felt that I didn't love her or didn't cherish her if I would do or allow such a thing to happen. I assured her that I was in love with her and would not want to do anything to hurt her or our relationship. To men sex can be separated into an act that is purely pleasure and nothing about love. Women, as my wife has explained to me, can not separate the act of sex and the emotional bonding that takes place during the act, at least for her it is more about emotional closeness than about sex and pleasure. She said she would be afraid of developing a bond with another guy if any type of activity took place. I respect how she feels and her as a person so this is something that will never take place in our relationship. Good luck and please just talk to your husband about how this makes you feel. If he loves and respects you he will not pressure you into something you are not comfortable with. Most of all put your foot down and don't do something you will later regret.


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## zaliblue (Apr 26, 2011)

Thank you so much for responding! I am really glad you did as I have been wanting to hear from men with the same fantasies. He and I have always been very open about our desires and thoughts and honestly the thought of being with more than one man at a time really turns me on. However, if it came down to it I know I couldn't...Maybe if I were single and just having sex for fun, sure...But married to my husband...the ONLY man that has ever touched me...I just am not willing to spoil that for something that I feel like will hurt us both. While he thinks it would be harmless and fun, I think afterward he would resent me and regret it....I am also in a place where I am starting to feel like our sex life isn't good enough for him anymore...Like since weve been together for so long its just old to him...I try to keep it interesting...There is nothing that I wouldn't let him do to me/me do to him....Maybe thats the problem...weve come to a place where we've done it all and maybe theres nothing left...I don't know...I just want him to love me (I know he does) and cherish my body and be happy that he is the only one I want...I wish that the thought of me being with another man drove him insane...But apparently he would be okay with it...I honestly know that he would never pressure me into doing it...He's a wonderful loving man...However I worry about myself when I drink...What if we were out and I was tipsy and the opportunity came up and I agreed because of my intoxicated state of mind...he would let it happen...I know...I guess perhaps I shouldn't drink anymore haha! Ughh! I just don't know....


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Could you just have your hubby dress up as a total stranger, meet you at a hotel bar, and you pretend you've never met? Or does his fantasy only work if it is a three-way?


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## zaliblue (Apr 26, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> Could you just have your hubby dress up as a total stranger, meet you at a hotel bar, and you pretend you've never met? Or does his fantasy only work if it is a three-way?


Hi!

I would like to do something like this but I'm not exactly sure that this would satisfy that fantasy....from what he has described in our dirty talk is me being penetrated anally by one man, vaginally by another while performing oral on him....and it's always really rough....the fantasy of course arouses me as well but I couldn't do it....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

zaliblue said:


> Hi!
> 
> I would like to do something like this but I'm not exactly sure that this would satisfy that fantasy....from what he has described in our dirty talk is me being penetrated anally by one man, vaginally by another while performing oral on him....and it's always really rough....the fantasy of course arouses me as well but I couldn't do it....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




Um... DP? Holy moley......

He needs to cut down on his port intake.


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## zaliblue (Apr 26, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Well...yeh...but u can't lie and say it doesn't arrouse me too...we even kind of act it out while watching porn...he will penetrated me anally while I use my dildo vaginally...I felt like this is a healthy way for u to both kind of get satisfaction from the fantasy without involving another person but obviously that isn't good enough...I'm VERY open to a lot of things sexual but being with another man is not one of them....perhaps I'm encouraging him?? Idk
> 
> Um... DP? Holy moley......
> 
> He needs to cut down on his port intake.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zaliblue (Apr 26, 2011)

zaliblue said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My response wasn't supposed to be quoted...I'm on my phone guys so please excuse my typos and word placement lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farside (Oct 27, 2012)

zaliblue said:


> Hi!
> 
> I would like to do something like this but I'm not exactly sure that this would satisfy that fantasy....from what he has described in our dirty talk is me being penetrated anally by one man, vaginally by another while performing oral on him....and it's always really rough....the fantasy of course arouses me as well but I couldn't do it....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


and this is the problem with porn.....there are not many relationships where this should be a reasonable expectation as a part of a healthy sexual relationship. It seems like your husband has not taken this past the fantasy level. A frank conversation about setting boundaries (outside of the sex act) is a good idea. If needed couples counseling may also be a good idea. In any GGG relationship the key is boundary setting and communication.


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## zaliblue (Apr 26, 2011)

farside said:


> and this is the problem with porn.....there are not many relationships where this should be a reasonable expectation as a part of a healthy sexual relationship. It seems like your husband has not taken this past the fantasy level. A frank conversation about setting boundaries (outside of the sex act) is a good idea. If needed couples counseling may also be a good idea. In any GGG relationship the key is boundary setting and communication.


Thank you! I am just to the point of letting it go....I know he wouldn't pressure me and maybe I'm thinking too much about it....meh lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Let it go. Smile, give him a kiss, and say lovingly "It ain't happenin pal..."


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Let it go. Smile, give him a kiss, and say lovingly "It ain't happenin pal..."


HOLY SH*T!!! A Bandit post i actually agree with! (looks nervously around for the four horsemen of the apocalypse...)

:rofl:



zaliblue: It still remains. Fantasies are best left as exactly that. If he cannot, or will not deal with that, you're seriously going to have to consider your options. ALL of them. (except the one where you give in to his 'airtight' desires). And yes, this includes the "if you don't stop this, i may have to leave you". He HAS to be made to understand.


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## CondorTX19 (Jun 19, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Um... DP? Holy moley......
> 
> He needs to cut down on his port intake.


Your making an assumption about the porn watching. I have had a similar fantasy and I never watch porn. It is all about what goes on in ones mind. That is where the issue is. Sex is like a drug, it releases dopamine and just like a drug and its hard to kick certain habits, though it can be done.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon zaliblue
could at least this part of the fantasy be done with toys? It is possible that it is not the "other man" that excites him but of you being penetrated multiple ways at once?

This is of course assuming that that is OK with you.




zaliblue said:


> Hi!
> 
> I would like to do something like this but I'm not exactly sure that this would satisfy that fantasy....from what he has described in our dirty talk is me being penetrated anally by one man, vaginally by another while performing oral on him....and it's always really rough....the fantasy of course arouses me as well but I couldn't do it....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

CondorTX19 said:


> Your making an assumption about the porn watching. I have had a similar fantasy and I never watch porn.


Good for you.


She said her and her hubby watch porn together.


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## zaliblue (Apr 26, 2011)

Hi guys!! Thanks so much for all of your advice! A few people have mentioned that he watches a lot of porn and to my knowledge he doesnt do it alone...we go togethere to the adult stores and pick out movies together and when our kids are away with the grandparents for the weekend we usually watch and act out with toys...the whole dp thing anyway....his while fetish really began when we started having anal sex which we both REALLY enjoy....at least that's wheb he really started sharing with me about this....I'm not too worried about it anymore hobestly...I can't judge him because I have some pretty strange fetishes....I just feel like making that fantasy come true withbither people is out of the question...now with our toys and himself he can do whatever he likes...we have a very healthy sex life except for this one thing
..I feel like he is really willing to explore outside of our marriage while I am NOT....I've discussed this with him and he says he's sorry and ashamed and that he just gets caught in the moment and that he wouldn't actually do it....idk..the last thing I want is for him to feel ashamed or embarrassed....


She said her and her hubby watch porn together.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Success story here, except we share women, not men. My wife enjoys seeing me with two (herself and another) women and also is very bisexual. However, no woman would have a chance to hook up with me on the side. I do not know anything about them or have any emotional attachment, and I do not try to create relationships beyond the bedroom. The only thing i really find kinky and exciting about these experiences is, my wife gets to see everything that happens, including dictating the action. Take her out the equation and I would not enjoy other women at all. Not even a little. Now, after these experiences, much less.

A solo experience with a strange woman seems absolutely pointless, when the alternative is an open threesome with my wife seeing and enjoying everything that happens. I'd never step backwards and start cheating. 

I guess if the odd man out (the opposite sex) is weak and greedy, (s)he may cheat on the side, but it's never going to happen in my case. A cheater is a cheater regardless. Threesome or no threesome. 

In all instances mentioned, it seems as though people are suggesting the woman ends up cheating after she has a threesome with another man. I find this idea to be completely false. People cheat whether they have threesomes or not. Read the "coping with infidelity" forum. If a woman or man isn't interested in cheating, threesome or not, it won't happen. Things you experience with your spouse doesn't mean you are destined to cheat. 

I am an example of this, and I'd rather die than cheat or mess with a woman behind my wife's back. Nothing we've done changes that.

As far as fears go, I'd be more worried about him wanting to add women into the bedroom once the kinky thrill dies off. That was my biggest concern, but I let my wife know from the beginning if the idea of having another man came up, it's time for us to find new partners. Unlike her with women, I am not interested in men or bisexual. It wouldn't be an experience for us, but more for her. That selfish behavior is a red flag for cheating.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

From a very bias standpoint (as a man who would never be interested in sharing his wife with another man), his dp fantasies seem almost disrespectful. As if you are his blow up doll or live porn actress. I guess it would be hard for me to turn off all the nasty things you did with other men when we are later spending family time, acting like everything is normal.

But, again, I'm biased. I have no idea how a man thinks that wants to see the things your husband does. I've met a few guys that openly want to share their wives without being involved at all. They literally just want to hear the stories later. They seem to still be very happily married, going on 20 years.


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## zaliblue (Apr 26, 2011)

Hi there!

I appreciate your honest response and while I know that the dp fantasy isn't reallynfor everyone, I can't act all onnocent and say it doesn't get me going...however I know I couldnt really do it....it's one of those things that you think about but would never actually act on I guess...and I can't judge him for his fantasies as he has never judged me for mine...I'm into a lot of edgy things....I'm the type that the more it hurts the more I like it...I honestly wish that I wasn't like that....to be honest I feel like we have never made love...it always turns into kinky sex....mostly my fault...he tries to be all sweet nut I kind of get a little crazy....perhaps I'm the one with the ossues?? Maybe I made him thus way by having my own out there fantasies...idk :/ I just want to be a delicate flower dammit!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

zaliblue said:


> I just want to be a delicate flower dammit!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think you do....

And you have nothing to be ashamed of either. There are two sides to our sexual identities and there is nothing wrong with exploring your darker side.

But what I see here is the "beginners" mistake of not having a SAFE word.

It is a simple thing that is often overlooked, but if you used it you would be able to explore your fantasies together, and get into it as much as you wanted, and neither one of you would be having to deal with shame, which, I might add, is not what you want to be doing to each other.


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## zaliblue (Apr 26, 2011)

sparkyjim said:


> I don't think you do....
> 
> And you have nothing to be ashamed of either. There are two sides to our sexual identities and there is nothing wrong with exploring your darker side.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the input! 

Honestly I am totally comfortable with talking and acting our these fantasies with toy's And role play bebetween just the 2 of us....I embrace the dark side of my sexuality but at the same time would love for him to treat my like...idk...a lady?? Lol...although I know I'm far from being a lady....I'm ok with that but I just want to feel the whole making love thing I guess...not often...but sometimes....but I think because of how I am he views me as more of a sexual deviant which is fine with me most of the time...idk....I'm starting to think I'm the one with issues....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

zaliblue said:


> So my husband and I have been together for 11 years and married for 5....we have only ever been with one another....we are both very sexual people and open to many things! We watch porn together, tell each other our fantasies..we don't judge one another because of them....however one of the fantasies that my husband and I both find....sexy...is having a 3 way with another man....I have thought of this many times while masturbating and he has told me that he has too....he finds the thought of watching another man have sex with me while I pleasure him sexy...I do too of course...here's the thing though...I love that I've only ever been with him...it's fun to talk about and all but it's just a fantasy...something erotica to thibk about and talk about but never to actually act on....however tonight we were getting off together and he was talking about it and kept saying over and over that he would be okay with it....it hurts my feelings in a way that he would be okay with letting another man have me....I only want him...sure it's hot to thibk about but I would never do it! I'm his and his obly.....I don't want him to feel like I'm judging him but I feel like this is becomming more than just a fantasy for him....I'm ho estly hurt....anyway sorry if this comes off horribly (grammer) but I'm ob my phone and autocorrect t sucks and it's only letting me see one word that I type at a time....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Tell him just what you told us. What you said should be enough for him to understand how much you love him and if he has a problem with it, then my advice to you is tell him no in a way he understands. 

What he doesn't understand is that a fantasy in his head always works out to his advantage because he controls it and no one gets hurt but to put that fantasy in the real world then all bets are off and you only get what you asked for and in most cases,more than you bargained for. Then it's too late. There's no such thing in life called a re wind.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Umm, watching too much porn will give you a unrealistic view of sex. In porn they don't deal with consequences. Scientific research of love shows that even prostitues fall in love with their customers. Granted roughly about twenty percent of open marriages face little or no ill effect. But it is a roll of the dice. Love at first sight exist, and there you might run into someone that sparks that. 

People also have a unrealistic view of love. There is always a chance that you will find someone better out there. Tell him, that women release 3 times the bonding hormones that men do, and there is a higher chance of a woman falling in love with her sexual partner than it is for a man. 

Probably should cut back on the porn. You are hard wiring yourself to get off on voyeuristic tendencies. Instead of watching porn together, role play instead. My friend, Kate, use to watch porn too, and she allowed her boyfriend to sleep with other women. Well after awhile, he started sleeping with other women behind her back. They broke up. 

Still if you try, there is no going back. A lot of men thought it would be good until it happened, and they no longer can sleep with their wife. Some do make it though. 

Ask him if you fall in love is he ready to accept the consequences. Most don't think of the outcome. I remember a swinger couple going through this on a forum. Well she got addicted to the sex and abandoned her husband and her kids. Hubby was the one who pushed her into it. Since they had a great relationship, with great communication, he didn't take any consequences into account.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Oh, I forgot. There was this one poster on this site, whom's husband watch shemale porn, and became addicted and obsessive with shemales. It started out as wtaching, then fantasizing, then going through with it. If anyone finds the thread maybe they can link it.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon zaliblue
there is NOTHING wrong with being kinky. Enjoy 

Just keep working on fantasies that you can enjoy together, and on finding ways to modify each other's fantasies so that they are acceptable to both of you.

Of course if you are into a wide variety of sex, one of those varieties should probably be romantic lovemaking.





zaliblue said:


> Hi there!
> 
> I appreciate your honest response and while I know that the dp fantasy isn't reallynfor everyone, I can't act all onnocent and say it doesn't get me going...however I know I couldnt really do it....it's one of those things that you think about but would never actually act on I guess...and I can't judge him for his fantasies as he has never judged me for mine...I'm into a lot of edgy things....I'm the type that the more it hurts the more I like it...I honestly wish that I wasn't like that....to be honest I feel like we have never made love...it always turns into kinky sex....mostly my fault...he tries to be all sweet nut I kind of get a little crazy....perhaps I'm the one with the ossues?? Maybe I made him thus way by having my own out there fantasies...idk :/ I just want to be a delicate flower dammit!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

zaliblue said:


> Hi guys!! Thanks so much for all of your advice! A few people have mentioned that he watches a lot of porn and to my knowledge he doesnt do it alone...we go togethere to the adult stores and pick out movies together and when our kids are away with the grandparents for the weekend we usually watch and act out with toys...the whole dp thing anyway....his while fetish really began when we started having anal sex which we both REALLY enjoy....at least that's wheb he really started sharing with me about this....I'm not too worried about it anymore hobestly...I can't judge him because I have some pretty strange fetishes....I just feel like making that fantasy come true withbither people is out of the question...now with our toys and himself he can do whatever he likes...we have a very healthy sex life except for this one thing
> ..I feel like he is really willing to explore outside of our marriage while I am NOT....I've discussed this with him and he says he's sorry and ashamed and that he just gets caught in the moment and that he wouldn't actually do it....idk..the last thing I want is for him to feel ashamed or embarrassed....
> 
> 
> She said her and her hubby watch porn together.


_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]


Well from a biological standpoint, a woman will release more bonding hormones than her male counterpart.

A woman will have a feeling of love with her partner that lasts around three hours, while a man will have that feeling last about an hour.

He should look up oxytocin release for women during sex.

Also, most men that do play this fantasy , lose attraction for their wife.

Reality and fantasy are different.

There are only a few percentage of men that may not feel that way.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

CondorTX19 said:


> My late wife and I had several threesomes and as fun as they were they still caused problems. The third parties would try to see her on the side, showing up unannounced while I was at work. We had good communications and were very honest with each other and would discuss these situations as they came up. It would make her uncomfortable when they would do this to her. One even tried to win her over as his wife. I would tell him, Hey! your making her feel uneasy, please don't do that. If we want to play we will let you know. He denied it of course. My wife enjoyed it as well so we did ok with the encounters both male and female. I didn't push her into doing it at anytime. If she was not in the mood I would respect that and the same went for me if I was not in the mood.
> Fast forward and with my current wife, we have discussed the idea and in fantasy its fun but in reality it hurt her feelings greatly to know that I would be ok with another man touching her. She felt that I didn't love her or didn't cherish her if I would do or allow such a thing to happen. I assured her that I was in love with her and would not want to do anything to hurt her or our relationship. To men sex can be separated into an act that is purely pleasure and nothing about love. Women, as my wife has explained to me, can not separate the act of sex and the emotional bonding that takes place during the act, at least for her it is more about emotional closeness than about sex and pleasure. She said she would be afraid of developing a bond with another guy if any type of activity took place. I respect how she feels and her as a person so this is something that will never take place in our relationship. Good luck and please just talk to your husband about how this makes you feel. If he loves and respects you he will not pressure you into something you are not comfortable with. Most of all put your foot down and don't do something you will later regret.


Poor generalization. I am a man and completely monogamous. I do not separate sex and love. Your observation is false.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

CondorTX19 said:


> Your making an assumption about the porn watching. I have had a similar fantasy and I never watch porn. It is all about what goes on in ones mind. That is where the issue is. Sex is like a drug, it releases dopamine and just like a drug and its hard to kick certain habits, though it can be done.


Then where the hell did you get the idea to have your woman turned into a meathole?


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## CondorTX19 (Jun 19, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Poor generalization. I am a man and completely monogamous. I do not separate sex and love. Your observation is false.


Good for you


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## CondorTX19 (Jun 19, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Then where the hell did you get the idea to have your woman turned into a meathole?


Meathole!! You must be referring to how you feel about your wife if you have one. Its none of your damn business about anything in my life.


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