# She's "Never been Happier..."



## Shooboomafoo

This statement from the ex, captioned in a photo of her and her new doushebag, digs at me.

To dismiss, or to be willing to dismiss, so many years of obvious happiness, and then to purposely destroy that over a period of time, get involved with another man, and then pretend that shes "happier than shes ever been"?
Who must be convinced? 
Or is that the xanax talking? 

I long for the day when I can get out of my hole. 

I want to be happy too.


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## Jellybeans

Shoo...

Why are you still stalking her online? 

2x4... STOP IT!!!!! Block her if you have to! 

Let her spew all she wants, she is in your past. She may be even doing it cause she knows it will get back to you and wants to make you feel jealous. Or she could have the emotional maturity of a 12 year old girl who has to talk talk talk about her shiny new boyfriend (who she will run into problems with eventually if she hasn't already).

My ex went nuts when we separated, hitting the club circuit (in mid-30s!) and posting pics of himself with all these transvestite looking girls who were horribly (and cheaply -- egads!) dressed with big gums and teeth and posting "Life is so fvckin good!" Then he'd start saying how "Gosh it just can't get any worse." Or start writing other really icky stuff and I thought, Wow.. to publicize all this crap... is insane. 

Shoo--don't feed into it. Nobody's life is amazinghappyjoyjoy 24/7. It's a FRONT. 

You want to get out of your hole? Start climbing out of it. One step at a time. And part of that step and going completely no contact w/ her except for co-parenting. That means blocking any way you are able to see/hear anything about her life. Out of sight, out of mind.


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## Houstondad

It is a FRONT. And it's all out of touch with reality because IF she really feels this way it's only temporary...just wait till the dopamine wears off.


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## the guy

I noticed you like Jellybeans post, now act on it!


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## frigginlost

Shooboomafoo said:


> This statement from the ex, captioned in a photo of her and her new doushebag, digs at me.
> 
> To dismiss, or to be willing to dismiss, so many years of obvious happiness, and then to purposely destroy that over a period of time, get involved with another man, and then pretend that shes "happier than shes ever been"?
> Who must be convinced?
> Or is that the xanax talking?
> 
> I long for the day when I can get out of my hole.
> 
> I want to be happy too.


Shoo, are you looking at FB again? Dude, I know it hurts like hell, but try not to let it get to you. Think of it this way; no matter how you feel, it's not gonna change a damn thing.

My ex (from what I hear) is "so happy" with her new beau. I thought about that for a second or two when I heard it, and as I started to get a little angry/bummed I stopped myself, and told myself the following:

No matter what she tells herself or others on how she is doing now, it does not change the fact she is a wayward wife who gave nothing to try to save a marriage. And for that she is and always will be, a b*tch. No amount of "happiness" or "self convincing" she has or does changes that fact. 

It's the weekend. Find a girl, make her the center of your universe tonight, and share some smiles and laughs. I'm gonna!


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## frigginlost

Jellybeans said:


> Shoo...
> 
> Why are you still stalking her online?
> 
> 2x4... STOP IT!!!!! Block her if you have to!
> 
> Let her spew all she wants, she is in your past. She may be even doing it cause she knows it will get back to you and wants to make you feel jealous. Or she could have the emotional maturity of a 12 year old girl who has to talk talk talk about her shiny new boyfriend (who she will run into problems with eventually if she hasn't already).
> 
> My ex went nuts when we separated, hitting the club circuit (in mid-30s!) and posting pics of himself with all these transvestite looking girls who were horribly (and cheaply -- egads!) dressed with big gums and teeth and posting "Life is so fvckin good!" Then he'd start saying how "Gosh it just can't get any worse." Or start writing other really icky stuff and I thought, Wow.. to publicize all this crap... is insane.
> 
> Shoo--don't feed into it. Nobody's life is amazinghappyjoyjoy 24/7. It's a FRONT.
> 
> You want to get out of your hole? Start climbing out of it. One step at a time. And part of that step and going completely no contact w/ her except for co-parenting. That means blocking any way you are able to see/hear anything abou ther life. Out of sight, out of mind.


Jelly, are you single? 

You are my hero!


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## Jellybeans

Aw, thanks 

My other wish is for Shoo to get laid soon. I think it's going to do wonders for his libido and self-esteem.


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## Shooboomafoo

LOL,,, after so long a period of time without a womans touch I think I may be asexual and can possibly reproduce by myself.
At least some have suggested ways to attempt it... 

I have blocked her on FB, but in rare cases I see images untagged of old friends who are still in contact with her and they all do things..
"friends".. ha.
Those who now support her, and tell her shes never looked better...

So here I am a year now (well in about twelve days) a YEAR into the single life, and I dont really have much of one. Ive been taking it easy and trying to cope with a lot of my own emotions and also things that continue to occur that makes it difficult just to keep a stiff upper lip.


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## Jellybeans

When did you block her?


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## Shooboomafoo

@JB, probably about six months ago? Then I got off of FB completely, and recently got back on. 
And yeah, I stalked her some, removed the block, took a look at her and her POSOM. The more I can accept that as the reality now, the more I feel stronger for myself and a sense of losing those final few threads that hold on to some ridiculous romantic fairy tale that wouldnt be good for me anyways... I'm waiting to see those crushing pictures of her and him and the kid being a "family". I think thats what I am waiting for. I think that day will come, but its not healthy to think about it, but Im probably somewhat disturbed anyways, and I just want to get it over with.

sickness. maybe I need the xanax.


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## frigginlost

Shoo, this is gonna sound really strange, but one of the things I did was to force myself to just get the pain and hurt out of me. I found that if I kept "choking it down" my outlook on life and love just headed downward.

I tried to "man-up" and keep it all buried. Then, I heard of piece of music that helped. Why? I have no idea. I have seen lives end before my eyes trying to save them and nothing got me to break down like my divorce and this piece of music. I cried like a 6 year old girl when I first heard it. But, after the cry I looked at what was left of me in the mirror and said to myself "it's time to put it to bed". Shoo, buddy, find that spot.

"Con Te Partiro" was the piece.

-FL


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## Houstondad

Ever have a funeral for your marriage? I'm having mine this weekend as a matter of fact. Writing a letter to your EX about your marriage, etc. and instead of sending it to her, you read it to YOURSELF and then BURN IT. Cut the connection you have on Facebook.


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## Jellybeans

I meant, when did you most recently block her??


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## Houstondad

frigginlost said:


> Shoo, this is gonna sound really strange, but one of the things I did was to force myself to just get the pain and hurt out of me. I found that if I kept "choking it down" my outlook on life and love just headed downward.
> 
> I tried to "man-up" and keep it all buried. Then, I heard of piece of music that helped. Why? I have no idea. I have seen lives end before my eyes trying to save them and nothing got me to break down like my divorce and this piece of music. I cried like a 6 year old girl when I first heard it. But, after the cry I looked at was left of me in the mirror and said to myself "it's time to put it to bed". Shoo, buddy, find that spot.
> 
> "Con Te Partiro" was the piece.
> 
> -FL


Wanna know what song made me cry when I heard it a few months ago? Outro by M83. brought so many emotions to the surface. And at the time I thought the song was not good for me the first time I listened to it, but now I see it as healing at it allows to get so many emotions out of me. Here's a youtube clip of it. Cool flight stuff and has a quote at the end you need to see for yourself, but if you close your eyes and listen....you'll understand.
http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cDT2vWNOnY


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## solitudeseeker

I know how much it hurts. Hang in there, Shoo.


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## Unsure2621

Shoo I feel your pain. I am 7 months into the nightmare and almost a month post divorce. He is introducing the new bimbo to his family next week and is ready to introduce her to my daughter. Makes me ill. And it sounds like he will be meeting her kids in the next 3 weeks.

It still makes me sick that he happy as an effing clam and I got stuck holding the freaking bag. I don't understand how these *******s move on after long relationships like they meant nothing. I guess maybe they didn't mean as much to them as they did to us.

Stay strong. Do your best to stay busy and keep it off your mind. I am doing the same. It's still painful for me.


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## Husbandinneed92

I feel your pain Shoo. Only two months into the separation but already very upset. Doesn't help that she uploaded a photo of her and the affair partner labelled "The new model: hopefully much better than the last one. Definitely much hotter!!"
She blocked me - a "friend" was kind enough to show me that. I since removed that so-called friend from my friends list. It's the only thing you can do.
You know what they say - if you have to convince other people that something is all that, then it most likely isn't. I know that she'll be miserable and end up abusing this guy too, and will be alone again.
Meanwhile, I need to work on myself.

The song "Payphone" by Maroon 5 did it for me. I was driving home listening to it and just started crying like a child. Also found it very therapeutic to scream or yell as loudly as you can. I'm sure I looked like a nutter to the school kids I drove past but I don't really care. I get little bouts where I realise it's over. It's a strange world indeed. Hang in there though - it will get better.


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## Houstondad

Payphone is a good one. Dog Days are Over is another good one.


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## Husbandinneed92

Houstondad said:


> Payphone is a good one. Dog Days are Over is another good one.


That it is. It sounds more happy and conclusive than Payphone, but I see the similarities. Thanks for making me aware of it.


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## cloudwithleggs

I must say i can't stand face book never bothered with it.

Now my estranged does know the tech sites i go to, so i haven't been going there because he would know exactly what and when i posted.

I have no interest in what my estranged is doing.


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## cloudwithleggs

Husbandinneed92 said:


> I feel your pain Shoo. Only two months into the separation but already very upset. Doesn't help that she uploaded a photo of her and the affair partner labelled "The new model: hopefully much better than the last one. Definitely much hotter!!"
> She blocked me - a "friend" was kind enough to show me that. I since removed that so-called friend from my friends list. It's the only thing you can do.
> You know what they say - if you have to convince other people that something is all that, then it most likely isn't. I know that she'll be miserable and end up abusing this guy too, and will be alone again.
> Meanwhile, I need to work on myself.
> 
> The song "Payphone" by Maroon 5 did it for me. I was driving home listening to it and just started crying like a child. Also found it very therapeutic to scream or yell as loudly as you can. I'm sure I looked like a nutter to the school kids I drove past but I don't really care. I get little bouts where I realise it's over. It's a strange world indeed. Hang in there though - it will get better.


Oh my that is cruel of her, it will get better it all takes time and it is a very good idea to concentrate on oneself, start living, you only have one life and as my mother would say you spend a long time dead.

As for looking like a nutter, well you haven't lost your sense of humour means you are healing 

hmmm the vid for payphone i like. Maroon 5 - Payphone (Explicit) ft. Wiz Khalifa - YouTube


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## thunderstruck

Give me a FN break. My sis + a family friend are two of the most miserable people on the planet. They post on FB multiple times a day, with "my life is so incredibly wonderful!!!" crap.

People who are actually happy probably have better things to do vs. post on FB for their 300 fake friends to see.


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## CandieGirl

Anyone boasting publicly on line about how happy they are, is really only trying to convince themselves. Hang in.


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## nice777guy

Haven't been around much lately - but is there anything you are EXCITED about?

Until you start replacing that empty space with something positive, it will be hard to move on.

Find something to get excited about. Whether that's a woman or a new hobby - doesn't matter.

And I vote that just staying off Facebook altogether might be good for you - especially if its "old friends" that are sharing some of these pics.

Hang in there.


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## Sod

nice777guy said:


> Haven't been around much lately - but is there anything you are EXCITED about?
> 
> Until you start replacing that empty space with something positive, it will be hard to move on.
> 
> Find something to get excited about.  Whether that's a woman or a new hobby - doesn't matter.
> 
> And I vote that just staying off Facebook altogether might be good for you - especially if its "old friends" that are sharing some of these pics.
> 
> Hang in there.


Agree completely. Dont focus on her, you will not get any happiness on holding onto a past and trust me - Facebook posts are designed as boasts to make the poster feel good. The full truth is never seen. Focus on what you can do to make yourself feel better and dont beat yourself up over it. Go hang out with friends, relax and have a good time. There is no competition or timetable


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## Shooboomafoo

Her post on FB was an attempt to convince herself and everyone else that things are great. I know better though.
Today, FB is plastered with pictures of kids and their first day of school. Parents getting their kids ready, snapping a shot in the morning. This year, shes at her mom's for the start of the school year. Another of the multitude of things that I was ROBBED of getting to be a part of. 

I had to go over there thursday to drop off the school supplies. I had left early from work hoping I could get there and drop the kid and her supplies off at her moms before she got home from work.
Unfortunately, both she and her dooshbagg OM was there, he working in the yard as if it were his... I wanted to bury him in right where he stood.
But the kid was with me, and I was there to drop her off and get away asap, so I hugged the kid goodbye, slid the supply box inside the door, and about faced.
What helped me was seeing that pinched look on my ex's face, I had almost forgotten about how unattractive that was. I laughed to myself thinking this dude she has living there was completely beholden to her, and her whims of the moment. Little does he know.....

I AM doing just fine though. Had a great weekend, lots of sleep, time to myself, time with friends. The "Visit" over there didnt have any effect on me other than temporary inconvenience. 

I truly am glad to be away from that woman. KNowing that I dont "have" to give a sh!t anymore about her is soooo freeing.


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## Deejo

I'm going to ask you a serious and seemingly contradictory question.

Why don't you want her to be happy?

Because you don't care about her? You hate her? If you do care about her, shouldn't you want her to be happy?

I'm just trying to shake up how you are framing this, and I recognize that I may look like an a$$hole for doing so. But I'm asking that you trust that what I am preaching is something that I practiced ... with difficulty out of the gate.

She isn't doing this to you Shoo, not anymore. You are doing it to yourself. Stop focusing on what she is or isn't doing, what she is or isn't saying.

For now and the foreseeable future, your focus needs to be on you. You aren't happy. You can't let go. You can't seem to move on. None of that is on her anymore.

So stop using it as a point of deflection that only ensures that you stay stuck.

Your child is yours. You are daddy. The other guy does not, will not, cannot replace that. My kids love 'the other man' (leaves a funny taste in my mouth referring to him that way after 4 years). They do ALL kinds of stuff together ... but he is in no way, shape or form preferable or superior to me. I take comfort in knowing that my ex's partner is genuinely invested in my kids. It's preferable to knowing that he treats them like crap.

You don't have to like the other dude one bit. But you don't need to torture yourself over whether or not he's replacing you. Because he can't.

Hold onto the happy memories that you have of your marriage. But do not let those memories cloud your perspective of the present,

I was still in rough shape a year out as well. Like NG said, you need to find something that you can be 'content' with. Whether it be a woman, a hobby, activity, undertaking, or non-harmful vice.

Heal yourself. Don't hold yourself back. And if you can be aware that you are ... then we can deal with that too.


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## diwali123

I'm sorry you had to see that. I blocked my ex from fb, it is just easier that way. 
My husband's ex was a WAW. She ended up in a relationship after sleeping with various people. One time her bf's sister jokingly asked her who her bf is. She responded with something about a wonderful man who knows how to get things done and makes all the right moves. To his sister! 
I'm the one who left my ex after years of fighting for my marriage and being abused and mistreated. I honestly am happier with my new man, I think he's sexier, nicer, smarter, more generous, more communicative, more wonderful, but I would never post anything on fb about how he's so much better than my ex. Why? Because it seems desperate and pathetic. I don't need to advertise that. 
As for your ex, if she's a WAW she is selfish and immature. She is trying to justify her bad decisions to herself and to everyone else. She is depending on another person to make her happy but that doesn't last for very long.
So my ex and I separated at my request and I asked for a divorce. I knew in my heart I could never go back to him, ever. Within months he was with a close friend of mine who insisted there was nothing going on. I didn't feel like he was cheating but I felt very betrayed by her. It's been four years and I am to the point where I don't feel sick when I see them. It will get better with time. I didn't feel like she took my husband but she trashed our friendship. I had to watch my daughter playing happy family time with them while I was alone for two years. 
One time I showed up to the drop off early and they were standing in the parking lot like they were going to make out or slow dance. I thought I was going to puke. 


She has done things to try to seem motherly but she doesn't have it in her. She isn't the type and I know that she sees me as her mom and no one else. At the same time she spends more time with my new husband than her dad. A few times sge has accidentally called him dad but they have a completely different relationship. He can't and doesn't try to be her father. He is there for us and loves her but it's just different.
From what I've seen eventually the SO gets sick of taking care of someone else's kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ing

Come in for counseling my friend..


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## Shooboomafoo

I dont concern myself with her happiness. In an altruistic sense, I wish everyone happiness, but hers, I am not overly interested in. This comes from sixteen years of putting up with things behind closed doors that no one should have to... I guess in a way I feel like I put a lot more into forgiving and supporting the marriage than I should have. I guess Ive spent a lot of time this past year realizing some of the areas my blindness let myself down. This is progress.
Being outside of it now, and throughout this last year, has revealed so much more than I noticed while still involved. I always get back to the point of being glad that I dont have to deal with her in a marriage sense anymore, but her choices now, still DO have effects on my life, and that of my ability to provide for and enjoy time with my kid.
Sometimes I feel like I have to live a fked life right now becuase she'd never listen to me about the credit card debts while married, so many years of contentious arguments about it, and never in my wildest dreams did I even consider that I'd be thrown out and stuck with those very same $%#@ debts.... These are long-term effects that dictate how I am able to provide for and spend quality time with my kid as a divorced, stable, single dad right "now". 

To admit that it still effects me these days is only in reference to the constant interaction we have to have on the kid's issues, and the ex plays the games, I just try to survive and act like it doesnt bother me. I come here and post what Im feeling, even if its pathetic and not something I should concern myself with.

In a way, it IS being still "done to me", but in these unexpected, co-parenting instances where one would have to rely on at least some level of honesty and committment to the very ideas behind the divorce and parenting agreement we had established. As well, one would have to have some sort of common decency and intelligence towards their own lives, as they wander thru the fireworks factory with a lit cigarette in their mouths.

Its not about sadness that she left me, or has another man, or ruined my life or anything. I am trying to move on and am fking horribly distressed financially, miss out on sh!t like the kids first day off to school, and its at the point that every text message I get from the ex, makes my stomach drop to my knees because theres always something that is going to mean bad news for me. 

It feels like being controlled. I just dont want to suffer from her decisions anymore. My lifestyle is so limited right now in what I can do and involve myself in, and Im starting to get a grip on a sense of normalcy and routine, to the point that I can start venturing out and budgeting properly, and things are starting to even out. 
As long as the ex doesnt make more stupid decisions... 

And there you see the effect that I am bearing my back against.


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## Shooboomafoo

P.S. Deejo man, I wouldnt think anything bad from your posts, youve always been a great help to me and many others here.


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## Dewy

Shooboomafoo said:


> This statement from the ex, captioned in a photo of her and her new doushebag, digs at me.
> 
> To dismiss, or to be willing to dismiss, so many years of obvious happiness, and then to purposely destroy that over a period of time, get involved with another man, and then pretend that shes "happier than shes ever been"?
> Who must be convinced?
> Or is that the xanax talking?
> 
> I long for the day when I can get out of my hole.
> 
> I want to be happy too.


she just wants to hurt you


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## ScarletBegonias

Shooboomafoo said:


> This statement from the ex, captioned in a photo of her and her new doushebag, digs at me.
> 
> To dismiss, or to be willing to dismiss, so many years of obvious happiness, and then to purposely destroy that over a period of time, get involved with another man, and then pretend that shes "happier than shes ever been"?
> Who must be convinced?
> Or is that the xanax talking?
> 
> I long for the day when I can get out of my hole.
> 
> I want to be happy too.


my ex does this too it hurts.

but if she's posting that stuff online,that means she feels she has something to prove and her happiness is probably not all she's making it out to be.


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## Shooboomafoo

I'm glad you guys quoted the above; as it contradicts the posts I made following. "dismissing years of obvious happiness".. thats the clincher. It wasnt really uber-happiness. Maybe I am just resentful that she was right to call for Divorce, even if her reasons were different. To think all of this was the right thing to do afterall is something I deeply resent having to admit. At least as opposed to going to counseling and really getting things straightened out for a real cohesive future. I chose those rose colored glasses, to my detriment, as part of my committment. I dont think I failed.
We got a great kid out of it. I wouldnt want that any different.
I wish the cutting of ties was more thorough. I dont like still being at the mercy even in a roundabout way, of her decisions.
SIGH.... 

Tomorrow will be one year of divorced-hood. 
The "picture" of my life as it is, who I am and where I am, is unsatisfactory. I imagine with time I will be able to pay off the debts, and have something to put back for retirement, and be able to have more fun with the kid. Right now its really difficult. I think that my biggest problems right now are dealing with the effects of her "after-divorce" personal decisions that end up as bad news for me mostly in a financial way, but also in terms of provision for my kid.. I'm trying to make the best of it as it is.


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## Jellybeans

ScarletBegonias said:


> but if she's posting that stuff online,that means she feels she has something to prove and her happiness is probably not all she's making it out to be.


The truth.

And my ex does it too "My life is so fcking amazing." Like, he really posts those words. Nobody goes around saying that again and again and again and again unless they feel they hae to prove a point or make people believe it... Those who cry the loudest... need/want attention.


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## Shoeguy

Shoo, go find yourself a good looking rich woman that is warm and compasionate and loves kids.

Problem solved.

Now if I could just follow my advice.:scratchhead:

I also agree with Jelly and Scarlet. Generally when someone toots their own horn it is because no one else will and the truth is probably buried.


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## diwali123

You sound so much like my husband with his ex. It is really hard. But I promise you it gets better with time. You will find someone else, I just know it. People who can jump out of their marriage into a new relationship with nothing in between like they are rolling off a log are just sick. 
Divorce sucks and so does having to see your ex until the kids are grown. 
We are working on getting my h more control with his ex. 
I hope you can find a way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias

Warm, compassionate...not rich lol not too big into kids either, I like dogs.  


Seriously though,you're going to be just fine! As soon as you step away from the ex-files of the interwebs!! 


Sorry..I've had some wine.


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## Jellybeans

Lol Scarlet
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## xirokx

from what i can tell my EX is on her second man...

the most screwed up thing is, a few after we broke up she posted this heartfelt message on FB about hard it is etc when she was already with the 1st guy who she split up with...

i later found out through a mutal "so called" friend, she went onto a dating site and got a response from a guy who had bascially copied and pasted what she likes / dislikes and she was really pleased she found someone who was so into her..I was like WTF!!!

I am working on myself and the things I feel I need to resolve to give any future potential relationships (not that I can fathom anything right now) a real chance...

How they can move on so quickly to be honestly highlights how needy, weak, scared, fearful and emotionally dead they are...

Whats scary is that so many people think the best way to get over a relationship is to find another....This makes my blood boil at times and makes me feel like shouting "GROW THE F""K UP"


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## AFEH

Shooboomafoo said:


> @JB, probably about six months ago? Then I got off of FB completely, and recently got back on.
> And yeah, I stalked her some, removed the block, took a look at her and her POSOM. The more I can accept that as the reality now, the more I feel stronger for myself and a sense of losing those final few threads that hold on to some ridiculous romantic fairy tale that wouldnt be good for me anyways... I'm waiting to see those crushing pictures of her and him and the kid being a "family". I think thats what I am waiting for. I think that day will come, but its not healthy to think about it, but Im probably somewhat disturbed anyways, and I just want to get it over with.
> 
> sickness. maybe I need the *xanax*.


There is a way of reframing your self such that you get away from your emotions when you have the mind to. Give your self a break, a holiday from them sort of thing.

Your current “consciousness” and all of your emotions and activities are directly related to your “ego mind consciousness”. It’s in there where all your history and dreams of the future are written and it’s the association between those things and your current situation which trigger your negative emotions.

You have another type of consciousness which it sounds like you haven’t as yet connected with, your “observer consciousness”. You can step out of your ego consciousness and away from it’s negative emotions and into your observer consciousness when you have the need to. Say when you know you are going to come face to face with your ex, when you get a txt message from her etc. Try a read of Awareness: Amazon.co.uk: Anthony De Mello: Books, he will help you disconnect from your wife and your self when you have the need to. Also http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hold-Your-N...4400/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1346613764&sr=8-3 and set yourself a boundary for when you get triggered like “Here I go, feeling that pain time to step into my observer consciousness” and learn to just observer your self in action.


As Deejo and NG mentioned it is wise to get a hobby or something to be passionate about and dedicated to, the passion and dedication you are giving to your ex . is wasted time and energy although an essential part of the process. I’m a very “visual” and outdoor type of person and my passion and dedication is landscape photography, I also make some money at it. You are an excellent writer, you communicate passionately and you’re very articulate, you know the meaning of words and how to use them effectively. Maybe take up writing, I feel certain you’ll be passionate about it and will be successful.


Xanax: I was in a really bad way at one time. My doctor recommended something like Xanax but I just don’t believe in that stuff as I think it’s all in the mind, how we use our mind. I went to Borders in Oxford, England and sat there with a bun and coffee I looked up and there was Awareness on promotion, 30 or so copies on a stand right in my line of sight. I read a lot while in the shop and that night practiced what I’d read and for the first time for a while my anxiety left me easily and I had a good nights sleep. I never went back to the doc and I never did take a pill.


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## Jellybeans

If your anxiety is very severe, there is nothing wrong with talking to a doctor or therapist, Shoo. 

Right now I thi nk you need to start by completely blocking her from your Facebook. No contact outside of co-parenting is a must.


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## Shooboomafoo

AFEH,
I think I understand the idea behind the observation-frame of mind. Its the part that allows me to feel alright about where I am now, becuase it keeps clear the images of how things truly were during the marriage, and the lack of hope thereof, even before the OM came along. I think this past weekend, I said to myself that I was "Glad" to only be dealing with my own situation now, several times... That stress of upholding whatever it was, in the face of reality in my marriage, was so involving and encompassing. It became directly what I lived for.
The new found freedom is somewhat confusing, even for the peace it brings. I feel relief for not having to live for her or for pleasing her, but it also makes me wonder "what now" for myself. For so long Ive kept her priorities, her ideas and needs at the forefront of my day, that IVe forgotten my own.
So, things seem pretty stagnant, becuase I dont know what I want right now, but Im alright with that. That release from stress, and not having to focus on her or what the family's needs were, is sometimes exciting, but also apprehensive, as I dont want to drop the ball anywhere, now that the attention is on what I am and how I want to live according to whatever goals or life that I think I want, now.

I wasnt alright with how things went down. I felt like my going over there to do the normal things as a divorced dad so soon, seemed to preclude this idea that I was "fine and dandy" with her actions, when I wasnt. Theres a lot of things that I can be forgiving towards, but that was something pretty big for me, and I wasnt ready to just "Act like everything was fine" with the ex, her OM, and moving him into the marital home so fast.

Once a person thinks they have a handle on the situation and know what it is they have to forgive, or get past,,, the situation changes, and in my instance, changed for the worse, and then again, and then again, and it was as if the more I learned day in and day out the more this ball of sh!t I had to get past was growing.
Yet I was never able to just cut away and remove her from my life. Still got the kid to think of, no matter how much I'd like to never see the ex again. 
This "immediate" need to keep on keeping on and maintaining the "Fatherhood" parenting part of my life which unfortunately consistently involves the ex, is the hard part.


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## AFEH

You no longer have the rock you were trying to push up the hill. The rock being your wife, your hill the ground upon which you were trying to change her (spending and probably other things). It never worked did it? You never got the rock to the top of the hill no matter how hard, how long or in whatever way you tried. It is in part what codependency is about.

Your rock is gone out of your daily life. It is no longer your responsibility. And as such one of your life’s great tasks (maybe its’ greatest task to date?) has left you. So you feel somewhat empty inside and no longer need to work on changing your wife, no longer need to get her to the top of the hill. It’s a bit like what does the codependent do after the alcoholic stopped drinking?


Now your focus and energy is away from trying to get the rock up the hill, you have the time and focus to take a good look at yourself. It’s another journey for you, a journey of self discovery. Sometimes it’s an inner journey, in that we look inside our self, become contemplative and introspective and hopefully become more knowledgeable about and aware of the man we are today. It’s like a re base-lining, getting ourselves ready for a new journey. You may want to look into Buddhism, it's fabulous for that inner journey and learning how to take care of ourselves in an emotional and spiritual sense. 



I doubt next time you’ll connect with such a heavy rock and such a very steep hill. I do believe there is some codependency in all marriages, but I’d guess next time you’ll go for an interdependent relationship now you know what codependency is all about.


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## AFEH

Shooboomafoo said:


> AFEH,
> I think I understand the idea behind the observation-frame of mind. Its the part that allows me to feel alright about where I am now, becuase it keeps clear the images of how things truly were during the marriage, and the lack of hope thereof, even before the OM came along.


I don’t think you have it as yet. Have you observed yourself walk down a road in a totally detached way? Or drive your car? Or sitting while in conversation with others? Kind of put your eyes, your viewpoint, up at 100 ft and just observe your self walking down the road?

It’s the observer consciousness. All we do is observe our self, becoming more and more aware of what’s going on inside of us and around us. I’m guessing loads of things went way over your head when with your wife because you were so deeply caught up in and embroiled with your ego mind consciousness.


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