# The Story of CantePe



## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

NOTE: This is a very water down version. He has done just about everything I asked straight from day one and *IS* working his bottom off to repair the damage he has done but has his moments of bone headed stubbornness

January 12, 2011 was by far the hardest day of my life. D-Day.

Background: Going into 14 year relationship, 3rd year officially married. 5 children (all ours biologically, rare I know).

We moved from the city to his hometown where I am isolated from my family and I've never really had any real friends to speak of. I wanted to move here, I'm not really all that close to my side of the family at all except my sister who had already moved to the other end of our province before hand.

Pre D-Day: I had gotten this nagging feeling that something was up. Finding small little red flags here and there but, admittedly, in denial because I never thought something like this would happen to me or he would do something like this to me.

Phone records showing long calls back and forth with an American number I didn't recognize (we have family in the US but family we don't normally talk to much). He claimed it was his father's number.

Multiple FB accounts that I was on the friends list for but I was removed from at some point. Inappropriate 3D chat videos posted on these FB accounts that I caught him and made him take down.

The big red flag was him closing yahoo chat windows as I passed by the computer. One big alarm bell started screaming and I installed a key logger and started looking through all his accounts. I was devastated.

2 yr long EA\VPA (virtual PA, nude pictures, masturbation videos, skype sex, phone sex, voice chat sex - I coin these a VPA or virtual physical affair). I confronted, he didn't deny, he cut contact, NC letter. Removed her from everything, I confronted her (she has no guilt or remorse, she jumped into a rebound affair with a guy she met online a few days later).

He pulled the TT. Trickle Truth effect has made the word Easter and that very holiday a huge emotional trigger. I found the nude photos and masturbation video he had sent her on Easter day. I consider this the second D-Day.

All the old circle of friends from this situation are gone, the extra FB accounts, the hotmail account - gone. They were deleted.

Just recently (Sunday) I found that an ex (in real life) had randomly sent him xxxs and ooos and I told him that I was not comfortable with exes on his FB anymore. Pre affair it didn't bother me because I didn't have trust issues. He resisted and it came out that this particular ex was "the one that got away" though he claims he does not view her as partner material. They never had intimate relationships and I think he regrets that (I know this for a fact, it's verified by a reliable source other than him).

He never responded to the xxxs and ooos but he never was transparent with the fact she sent it. He resisted for 2 days but finally conceded that it was inappropriate in the current climate of our relationship and removed all his exes from his FB. We are now both taking an undetermined lengthy break from FB.

This is the watered down version. I'm too tired to repeat the full version. Suffice it to say we are struggling with trust issues and triggers (mostly me).

We are 9 months post original D-Day, 9 months NC for him from her (she was psycho too but that's a story for another day, she didn't want to give him up despite both of us telling her to scram to the point she cyber stalked us herself and her friends did for her).

CantePe is Lakota language (I am a bit of a linguistic hobbiest). Cante means Heart and Pe is a female derivative (like the French use Le and La). So that is how CantePe came to be by partner infidelity.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

welcome and I'm sorry you're here


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Thank you AlmostRecovered. I've been reading this forum for 8 months before I joined today.

I must admit, AR, you have inspired a lot of our repair work in our relationship. I'm sad to be here but glad there is a here to turn to.

I hope that someday I'll be able to turn to a newbie and say something that may save them in their emotional heartbreak as you have for so many and as so many have here for others.

I have to admit, the removal of his exes from his FB has left me calm and secure today. Some sort of shift toward better has happened for me but he grieves at this point. No doubt grieves for the lost connections to those people outside us and for what us used to be. He's still in a stage or two behind me (anger and grief).

I've read the "Not Just Friends" book, I've read some of the MarriageBuilders stuff as well. I went to 4 counselling sessions but stopped because I found it to leave me worse off than better and came to the conclusion that counselling won't help if it's not a team effort though he refuses it. I'm not even sure counselling in this small town would be effective in the first place (it's a lot of la-dee-dah feel happy crap that I don't find very productive).

Despite all this, I seem relatively calm and cool today. I feel some sort of ...shift. I don't quite know what it is but I've heard people talk about it. It's a shift toward the good (for me). I think this last act of trust building (removing exes) seems to have brought about this calm serenity...or maybe I'm kidding myself. We'll see what happens.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

CantePe said:


> I must admit, AR, you have inspired a lot of our repair work in our relationship. I'm sad to be here but glad there is a here to turn to.



must...stop...my....ego....from....growing....


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

CantePe said:


> I have to admit, the removal of his exes from his FB has left me calm and secure today. Some sort of shift toward better has happened for me but he grieves at this point. No doubt grieves for the lost connections to those people outside us and for what us used to be. He's still in a stage or two behind me (anger and grief).


Ugh, I know he has to get through the emotions to snap out of the fog but that sort of stuff gets to me. I know I shouldn't expect it to be instantaneous but it would sure be nice if it was.



CantePe said:


> I went to 4 counselling sessions but stopped because I found it to leave me worse off than better and came to the conclusion that counselling won't help if it's not a team effort though he refuses it. I'm not even sure counselling in this small town would be effective in the first place (it's a lot of la-dee-dah feel happy crap that I don't find very productive).


I'd say to shop for counselors but it sounds as if you're in Eskimo territory by the way you describe your town. Have you looked into online counseling?



CantePe said:


> Despite all this, I seem relatively calm and cool today. I feel some sort of ...shift. I don't quite know what it is but I've heard people talk about it. It's a shift toward the good (for me). I think this last act of trust building (removing exes) seems to have brought about this calm serenity...or maybe I'm kidding myself. We'll see what happens.


It won't last...sorry. BUT IF your husband continues to walk the right path then you will reach a good place eventually.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> Ugh, I know he has to get through the emotions to snap out of the fog but that sort of stuff gets to me. I know I shouldn't expect it to be instantaneous but it would sure be nice if it was.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


We're in Northern Ontario, rather difficult to find a counselling service that fits. I hate the affirmation type counselors that go "there there pat pat" and "how does that make you feel". I don'[t want their pity train and I don't like being told "there there everything will be okay". It's not okay, don't tell me it will be when crystal balls and fortune telling are a gimmick.

Online, I've considered it but again. It won't work if both won't do it. It's one sided if only one person does the counselling work. I'm not even sure if counselling is helpful or not.

As for it not lasting the serene calmness. I don't know...I think it might (but I am not going to kid myself either). I think his sacrifice of someone *not* involved directly whom he viewed as a good friend for my feeling of security and safety was something I needed to move into another stage of recovery.

It's like he sacrificed something for me. Sacrificed his feelings, his personal comfort level (with his personality this is not easy), his comfort zone even. He removed an insecurity (albeit not right away but did discuss it twice in one week, he's a strong silent type).

I've also come to the realization that he is not at all a romantic, not in the traditional sense and I've been demanding something of him that is not in his nature (though he has done so).

The very fact I have made demands instead of requests have made this process difficult. I've been angrily demanding rather than logically requesting.

No one likes to be made to do something or demanded to do something. Resistance to an angry demand is natural. I haven't been very nice to him in some instances (to be expected considering) and it hasn't helped at all for communication between us.

He has done so much, I have also come to realize that men view being thanked as a form of respect, taken over the laundry completely, cooking, cleaning, repairs. Making small romantic gestures he has not done before (which is out of his comfort zone), more compliments, more noticing of things, more communication that I did not hear (I listened but did not hear or acknowledge).

He has done every little last thing I have demanded of him for the last 9 months. Only one or two things that he has resisted and not for long. I neglected to acknowledge those things.

I realize I've hindered this recovery process, not just as much as him mind you, but in my own way. I must own that as much as he must own his own actions.

I have also come to realize that his affair was nothing to do with me but everything to do with him. His own insecurities, his own choices, his own issues. He must own those in order to move on and I can only help him forward so much then he must take the "reins" so to speak and take control himself.

He has not driven any affair underground, I've been vigilant and diligent in keeping a close eyes for both red flags and his accounts, our phone, etc. Nothing. No contact, no secondary rebound affairs, nothing but encouraging me to keep tabs if that is what I must do to feel secure.

He is remorseful as well, was immediately so on D-Day. TT was a matter of not wanting to hurt me more than he had and being ashamed of everything he'd done.

Wow, I wrote a novel. I'm sorry.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

CantePe said:


> The very fact I have made demands instead of requests have made this process difficult. I've been angrily demanding rather than logically requesting.
> 
> No one likes to be made to do something or demanded to do something. Resistance to an angry demand is natural. I haven't been very nice to him in some instances (to be expected considering) and it hasn't helped at all for communication between us.


I don't view them as demands really, I view them as letting them know what I intend to do if such behavior continues

same thing? perhaps

but I am not looking to control my spouse, she is free to do as she pleases, but it doesn't mean I will sit idly by when her choices affect me in such a manner


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I don't view them as demands really, I view them as letting them know what I intend to do if such behavior continues
> 
> same thing? perhaps
> 
> but I am not looking to control my spouse, she is free to do as she pleases, but it doesn't mean I will sit idly by when her choices affect me in such a manner


That's not what I meant to imply. Of course my boundaries and my needs are firmly stated and if not met the consequences are my not being able to stay in the relationship.

I meant that my demands were more aggressive in nature (screaming, swearing, literally talking at him instead of with him in a calm manner, belittling him at times, throwing the affair back in his face at times, not productive at all).

I have my bad days, I can admit it, own it and apologize for it (and have) but it certainly does not negate what my boundaries are and if crossed what the consequences of those choices will be. In no uncertain terms will I ever allow my boundaries to be crossed ever again by anyone.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I have still wondered how the hell I've been so "reserved" through all of this myself. I usually don't have much a filter really either. What hits the brain usually comes flying out of my mouth. It's gotten me in trouble on more than one occasion. Yet for some reason in regards to the infidelity I have always been very measured in what I say, do etc. I have no idea how I mustered up the ability to do that as I haven't in the past.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you looking for advice on something, or just sharing? (great story, btw) I couldn't figure out a question.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

turnera said:


> Are you looking for advice on something, or just sharing? (great story, btw) I couldn't figure out a question.


Just sharing, perhaps I should have indicated that in the note in my first post.

Thank you for the compliment, I do have a question..could you elaborate on the "great story" compliment? I'm not sure I follow the tone of the post.

Words are so difficult to follow in tone, especially for myself who relies on facial cues and body language more than my crapped out ears could ever help me along with (unfortunately, I lost a lot of hearing to a strep infection 2 yrs ago and previous childhood infections).

I just thought if my story could do something for someone, help them in some way, then my suffering, our suffering may be worth something and not in vain.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sorry, I meant that I'm glad things worked out for you. We need more success stories here!


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> must...stop...my....ego....from....growing....


Too late


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Glad to hear he deleted his exes but he needs to block the current ex from being able to call him.
My advice to you is to set a hard boundary. That this is it. The next time, it's divorce. Get into counselling. He's a serial cheater and that is the WORST kind.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am so sorry you had to go through this. Your situation sounds a bit like mine, but taken further. My hubby was only at the online stuff for 9 months.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Doesn't have our current phone numbers or address. The cell he was using was a work cell and that job is long gone. *raises brows*

Believe me I ripped through everything and he has complied with everything. He didn't cheat with the lady that sent x's and o's. He never has but she's an ex from his teen years and should not be on his FB - friends or not - not in this current climate of our marriage.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

turnera said:


> Sorry, I meant that I'm glad things worked out for you. We need more success stories here!


tunera, we're not yet at where we used to be. Not by a long shot but we have made some wicked progress.

I've read some of the other not so fortunate stories here and other places and I count my blessings that we have been fortunate enough to have an easier time of it (though it doesn't feel that way some days and I regretfully hope that didn't come of as bragging because I'm not).

We're getting there. A few bumps and bruises here and there but the wound is healing and the sutures are holding...so far.


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