# Is it possible to just talk with another woman when u r married?



## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

My husband said he couldn't talk to me, he felt like we were disconnected. I didn't feel the same. He claims his emotionl fair was coffee and a conversation. He said he never expected more. He met the girl online. She is ten years older...since I caught him texting he says he will have no further contact and will do counseling if that's what I want...any thoughts?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Thoughts? More info is needed:

How long have the two of you been married?
How old are the two of you?
Do you have any children together? If so how old are they?

How did he meet the other woman.. yes online, but what site (or type of site)? Was he online looking for someone to pick up?

How long was the emotional affair?

You husband had an emotional affair. So this needs to be treated as an affair. What are your thoughts on the two of you reconciling? 

There are three books that I think will help you figure out what to do. Read them in the order listed here:

"Surviving an Affair"
"His Needs, Her Needs" 
"Love Busters"

After you read the SAA book, ask him to read the other two with you and to work through what the books suggest. This is supplemental to MC (marriage counseling). 

Your marriage is very broken. The two of you share the responsibly for the state of your marriage. He is 100% responsible for seeking out another woman and having an affair. That's on him.

If the two of you will put everything you have into fixing your marriage it can be done... it that's what you want.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Is it possible for a married man to just get together with another woman for friendly conversation? I suppose it's possible that a penguin might take flight but it's pretty doubtful. 
Whenever two reasonably attractive, unrelated, straight people of the opposite sex get together alone for purely social purposes and at least one is married to someone else, the devil always tags along and the devil doesn't go to coffee shops because he likes coffee. Ever see your husband go to a coffee shop to have friendly conversation with an ugly woman? Ugly women are perfectly capable of carrying on interesting conversations.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It varies. Some people can be simply friends with a person of the opposite sex, and even if there is attraction never act on it. And some can't. 

IMO, if your relationship is so fragile that trust isn't elementary, then you shouldn't be in that relationship.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

In answer to your title question absolutely married men can just talk to a woman when married.

Your situation is far from normal. He was making an emotional connection with a women because he feels disconnected from you. That is a going to never work. He needs to stop all contact asap and you both need to be in MC


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I think the big problem here is a married man talking to another woman and *HIDING* it, thus the nature of you "catching him" texting her.

In a marriage everything should be open as trust and communication are the foundation of healthy relationships. Anything that interferes with this needs attention and sometimes counseling to prevent it from eroding the foundation of your relationship away from you.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

Lola416 said:


> any thoughts?


It is absolutely possible that all he wants to do is "talk" to this other woman.

It's also very likely he'll just happen to slip and his penis will fall into her vagina as well.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Start looking at the phone bill.

What kind of phone does he use?


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Thoughts? More info is needed:
> 
> How long have the two of you been married?
> How old are the two of you?
> ...


Married 16 yrs 2 kids 12 & 9. I don't want to break up he says he doesn't either and will do whatever I want. He claims he met her on a site his friend was on not sure what it was...he met her a few times to talk and they exchanged texts I think it was more thn what he says but he swears otherwise he said he was only looking for someone to talk too. He says he doesn't want a divorce will do whatever it takes


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Lola416 said:


> Married 16 yrs 2 kids 12 & 9. I don't want to break up he says he doesn't either and will do whatever I want. He claims he met her on a site his friend was on not sure what it was...he met her a few times to talk and they exchanged texts I think it was more thn what he says but he swears otherwise he said he was only looking for someone to talk too. He says he doesn't want a divorce will do whatever it takes


Ask him for the name of the site, then *make him show you* the e-mail that he received upon registering for a user ID on the site.

He also needs to *IMMEDIATELY* (so that he doesn't have time to delete e-mails, private message, etc) give up the following...

Passwords for any and all electronic devices (i.e. cell phones, tablets, computers, etc.)

Passwords for any and all e-mail and/or social media accounts (AND the account for the aforementioned website)

Also, what kind of phone does he use?


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## another shot (Apr 14, 2015)

Nope


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

The talking may or may not be wrong. The hiding it is a RED FLAG that it is wrong.

He met her on a site ehh, one his *single and looking* friend is on?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Married men should not be on hookup sites and meeting single women at coffee shops to "talk." That is called a date.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Ask him for the name of the site, then *make him show you* the e-mail that he received upon registering for a user ID on the site.
> 
> He also needs to *IMMEDIATELY* (so that he doesn't have time to delete e-mails, private message, etc) give up the following...
> 
> ...


He uses a galaxy. He never registered for the site he claims he used his friends id and then when she replied they got in touch. I don't know if we can work it out honestly I don't believe him at all even though he says he will give me all the passwords etc. He hasn't seen her at night and I monitor our spending and there is nothing extra he ever took out. I just feel bad if we break up for my kids. Has anyone done counseling will it help!?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

When five men and five women are together talking, eight or nine, and maybe all ten are thinking about sex.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Looking for a woman to talk to online... Rigghhhhttt. Met her for just coffee and conversation.

That's what friends are for. Or family. Or coworkers. Not some internet chick.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FatherofTwo (Dec 6, 2014)

Each person is different of course but if I'm talking with another woman ........ that's all I'm doing is talking !? Though I must admit if she's attractive and sexy then my mind maaaay wander but trust me I try not to think anything .... naughty ??

I guess being a male it's gonna creep into my mind but that's as far as it would go.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

FatherofTwo said:


> Each person is different of course but if I'm talking with another woman ........ that's all I'm doing is talking !? Though I must admit if she's attractive and sexy then my mind maaaay wander but trust me I try not to think anything .... naughty ??
> 
> I guess being a male it's gonna creep into my mind but that's as far as it would go.


Come on... let's not be naive.

Talking w/ your female neighbor at the mailbox, your female co-worker in the break room, or a waitress w/ respect to your lunch order is one thing, but surrepticiously creating a profile on a website geared toward meeting people of the opposite sex (and, at this point, it's sounding pretty safe to reasonably assume that the website wasn't completelyplatonicosfs.com), and then setting up what is essentially a date in order to meet a member of the opposite sex for "coffee" and "talk" is (a) dishonest and (b) quite possibly indicative of an intent to progress beyond the point of "coffee" and "talk".


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

happy as a clam said:


> Married men should not be on hookup sites and meeting single women at coffee shops to "talk." That is called a date.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If your line is in the water, you're fishing, regardless of what you tell the game warden when you get caught.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

This man wasn't just talking. He admitted to his wife that he was talking to this OW because he felt disconnected to his wife. In other words, he was deliberately and knowingly getting his intimate/emotional support from the OW and he recognized those were conversations he would have otherwise normally had with his wife. This isn't chatting about the weather or about work or the price of Corn Flakes this week. Talking to an OW like you would talk to your wife ends with doing things with the OW that a person would normally do with their wife.


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

That's exactly what I said. He is sticking to the story he says he only talked they met 4x at a dunkin donuts so he says... I know they didn't meet after work or weekends because he was always home on schedule but I still don't believe this story. He just doesn't get it. Right now we r living together but really not talking. He keeps asking me to trust him which I totally do not..


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

I checked the phone bill there were a few numbers I didn't recognize for texts I typed them in when he was in the shower wound up to be people I know so it was nothing. The only texts I saw were all from the day he got caught. There I nothing in the prior 3 months idk


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

I totally agree but he claims at this point nothing more than meeting and talking. He claims they met 3 times over 4 months and he said she is married too. I totally think this could have turned into a relationship he says that wasn't what Ne was looking for. He claims it was part curiosity because his other friend who is married showed him the site, I don't believe ny of it but I am stupid to think maybe we can work it out if we go to counseling? We do have 2 kids together. And honestly he is the provider I work p/t.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

I go get a haircut, and talk to the stylist, she massages my scalp for 3 minutes, I pay her, tip her well if she's cute, and we call it a night.

If I had a good time, I set up another appointment for say 3 weeks to catch up...

How many internet chicks give scalp massages on a first date?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lola416 said:


> He uses a galaxy. He never registered for the site he claims he used his friends id and then when she replied they got in touch. I don't know if we can work it out honestly I don't believe him at all even though he says he will give me all the passwords etc. He hasn't seen her at night and I monitor our spending and there is nothing extra he ever took out. I just feel bad if we break up for my kids. Has anyone done counseling will it help!?


Have you checked the cell phone bill to see how often he was texting and calling her?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

gouge_away said:


> I go get a haircut, and talk to the stylist, she massages my scalp for 3 minutes, I pay her, tip her well if she's cute, and we call it a night.
> 
> If I had a good time, I set up another appointment for say 3 weeks to catch up...
> 
> How many internet chicks give scalp massages on a first date?


All this over a hair cut and a brief scalp massage? Really?

So if the woman who cuts your hair is not as good looking she gets less of a tip? Wow.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lola416 said:


> I totally agree but he claims at this point nothing more than meeting and talking. He claims they met 3 times over 4 months and he said she is married too. I totally think this could have turned into a relationship he says that wasn't what Ne was looking for. He claims it was part curiosity because his other friend who is married showed him the site, I don't believe ny of it but I am stupid to think maybe we can work it out if we go to counseling? We do have 2 kids together. And honestly he is the provider I work p/t.


So his married friend is on a dating or pickup site? 

You might want to talk to that friend's wife. You might find out a lot from her.

How many times did he talk to or text this woman on his cell phone? Are the texts, if he text her, still on the phone or did he delete them?


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> All this over a hair cut and a brief scalp massage? Really?
> 
> So if the woman who cuts your hair is not as good looking she gets less of a tip? Wow.


More so the scalp massage, than appearances. BTW, I said cute, in hospitality and service, and I think most guys here will agree, being cute has more to do with personability and charisma, than looks.

Ele, I'm just saying, its not appropriate to meet anybody of the opposite sex, especially online, for "private and personal banter."

Cut that hair. See if you feel better after getting some personal attention in a professional setting, then go home and see if your wife appreciates your appointment, chances are she isn't going to fret about it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband was, at the very least, in the start of an emotional affair. He basically had 4 dates with her. Do you know what days he met with her? How much did he spend on those dates? Did he charge it using an ATM card or credit card? Or did he pay cash?

What you need to tell him is that what matters is that he was seeking out another woman. If he felt that there was something missing from your marriage he was supposed to talk to you about it not go out and seek out some other woman.

There are some books that I think will help you.

"Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. this one will tell you what you need to do and what he has to do for you to even consider reconciliation. 

Then after he's done all that... there is a good book "His Needs, Her Needs" that will help you two have the discussion about fixing your marriage that should have happened instead of him looking for other women.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lola416 said:


> That's exactly what I said. He is sticking to the story he says he only talked they met 4x at a dunkin donuts so he says... I know they didn't meet after work or weekends because he was always home on schedule but I still don't believe this story. He just doesn't get it. Right now we r living together but really not talking. He keeps asking me to trust him which I totally do not..


IF he was at work and at home all the time, when did he meet her?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lola,

I moved this thread to CWI where it will get the most input. You will also get better input if you stick to one thread because that way people can see all your posts and the input from others more easily.

I also deleted your other two threads as they were redundant and had no responses.

It is against forum rules to have multiple threads on the same topic.


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## quiesedba (Apr 19, 2015)

OP..... take it from me... a very recent EA cheater.... he's neck deep in trouble.... I was in a little denial.... texting wifes BBF for two months... then OW freaked when it ws getting to the physically stage...


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

He met her at lunch time from work but he never met after work or weekend


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

I did I saw nothing. Checked back prior 3 months the only thing I saw was the day he got caught to which I read all the texts. But they were small talk mostly that ended when can we see each other again...that's the part that proved it to me


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

People don't go on dating sites because they are looking for someone to do their income taxes. He met someone on a dating site and he went on at least a few dates with her. He says she wasn't what he was "looking for", so he was obviously looking for something other than what he had at home.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When he tries to down play it.. just tell him that he has stated that he was online looking for someone. Therefore his intent was to cheat. He did meet her with the intent to cheat. To you he had an emotional affair. End of story. 

If he keeps down playing it, tell him that since he keeps trying to play it own, it makes you think that it was a lot more than he was saying. He is obviously not being truthful. So you will assume the worse and decide what to do from there. 

the only way he can change your mind that he did not have sex with her is if he produced proof.

He most likely called her from some phone at work. That's why you cannot find a lot of phone/text contact between them.

You have her phone number right? If you can find her go talk to her. If not call her. Tell her that you are calling her to confirm the story that your husband told you. Ask her to describe the relationship if she will talk to you. If she does not mention sex, tell her that he said that they had sex twice. You will now right away by her reaction.

I did this with the women my husband met on line. I got them to tell me so much detail.. LOL.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Your husband went out on dates with this married woman. Get her name and address. Expose her to her husband. Tell the wife of the endorsing friend and expose your husband. Your husband is actively seeking an affair. He is lying to you.

See an attorney to protect your rights. If you rugsweep this behavior, your husband will continue going on dates with other women. You have been married for 16 years. Has he done this before?

You need to give consequences to his behavior. Expose him to everyone. If you wish to save your marriage, see a marriage counselor. However, I would say that your husband is looking to get out of your marriage. This is phase one in getting his foot out of the door.


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

He hasn't done it as far as I know. I really don't want to end my marriage but I need him to tell the truth. I guess counseling is the only answer.


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

I am gonna contact her and I definately would do what u say lie to her and see her reaction. I don't know if she knows I know he claims they have not talked since that night I caught him texting...


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

I think he is lying. I don't know if he really wants to get out I think he wanted to cheat and get away with it. I know he loves the kids and he is a good father. I'm not sure where we stand as spouses. I almost feel like we should stay together for the kids. It's not their fault I picked him as their father.


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

Don't know when they met. No charges on atm or credit cards.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lola416 said:


> Don't know when they met. No charges on atm or credit cards.


Before you contact her, see if you can find out more about her... like where she works, who her husband is.

Cheaters lie. My ex did not admit to anything that I did not uncover on my own. That is very typical.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

*Is it possible to just talk with another woman when u r married?*

Yes... as long as your wife is sitting down next to you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Talking with another man/woman. That’s not too much of a problem.

BUT seeking out another man/woman to replace your husband/wife as your confidante because you have 'lost the connection with your spouse'?

Seriously? Who would even think that was in any way appropriate?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Lola416 said:


> Is it possible to just talk with another woman when u r married?


You can't be this naive... You need to wise up and fast.



Lola416 said:


> He claims his emotional affair was coffee and a conversation. He said he never expected more. He met the girl online.


You do understand that he was attempting to online date don't you? Do you really think that there are women on the internet looking for men JUST to have coffee and conversation with and nothing more? That's called a first date. That's what I used to do to see when I was single and dating online to see if there was a connection. Step 2 is take them on a nicer date and escalate the relationship. Eventually, it becomes physical.

You're husband is trying to plan B you. Keep you around while he shops for a replacement. That "no connection line" is the alternative cheater script to "I love you but I'm not in love with you" which in English mean "you're good enough for now until I find (or have found) someone I want more. I just need to keep you around to make the transition smooth." 

Assuming you want to save this relationship you need to hit him with a preverbal 2x4 of reality. Make clear in no uncertain terms that divorce is on the table if he doesn't do EVERYTHING you ask for reconciliation. That all of this stops IMMEDIATELY. That he provides FULL disclosure including passwords to all the websites, emails and cellphone. 

In addition, continue to be hyper vigilant of red flags and behavioral changes. When someone like you husband "checks out" it very hard to salvage the relationship. Typically, relapses are common and you must be prepared to walk away. Can the love be found again? Possibly but not until he respects you again. It seems counterintuitive but tough love is the only thing that has a chance to work in these situations.

Good Luck.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

You cannot get away from female co worker friendships.. You just can't tell a female co-worker I can' talk to you because my wife won't like it.. 

But anything else you can control, especially since he is the one initiating the contact with strange woman.. 

You know what you should do the same, let see how quick he likes it.. Trust me you will have MORE "Friends" to talk to then he will..


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## another shot (Apr 14, 2015)

Hardtohandle said:


> you should do the same, let see how quick he likes it.. Trust me you will have MORE "Friends" to talk to then he will..


Seriously? :scratchhead:


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

IMHO, he shouldn't really be trolling the Internet to hook up with other women, if he has any realistic expectation of maintaining a loving marriage.

I cannot help but think that a rational married man only seeks out the company of women other than for his wife, through any viable medium ~ largely to circumvent whatever it is that he is deficient in receiving from his W ~ albeit commeradery affection, attention, or sex!

For as long as he is the recipient of those characteristics at home, he would greatly be very remiss to be out on the prowl!


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## 1marriedlady (Mar 27, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> Is it possible for a married man to just get together with another woman for friendly conversation? I suppose it's possible that a penguin might take flight but it's pretty doubtful.
> Whenever two reasonably attractive, unrelated, straight people of the opposite sex get together alone for purely social purposes and at least one is married to someone else, the devil always tags along and the devil doesn't go to coffee shops because he likes coffee. Ever see your husband go to a coffee shop to have friendly conversation with an ugly woman? Ugly women are perfectly capable of carrying on interesting conversations.


I sooooo disagree. 

I have a single guy friend and we do meet for coffee, I even bring the coffee to his place. We are *"two reasonably attractive, unrelated, straight people of the opposite sex." * My husband knows my friend and knows he and I go for coffee. I will be gone for hours at a time with my guy friend. It doesn't bother my hubby. 

We meet to talk. There is no hanky panky, no flirting, no hidden agenda. We are good friends and we enjoy each others' company. 

I did not meet him on a dating site that "my friend" told me about. That is where the issue lies, no married person should be looking at sites for hook ups. I've known him for years, we get together and talk about everything and we laugh.


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

So it's been 2 weeks my husband is sticking to his story but adding he will do counseling alone or with me to help me trust him and get our marriage back to where it should be. He has always been sensitive he says I never complimented him or took initiative for sex and he thought I didn't care, I still told him he should have talked to me where he insists he made a mistake but still swears nothing happened, I said if that is true maybe something was gonna happen sooner or later if I didn't catch him. Would marriage counseling help us? Right now I can't stand to look at him.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Lola416 said:


> So it's been 2 weeks my husband is sticking to his story but adding he will do counseling alone or with me to help me trust him and get our marriage back to where it should be. He has always been sensitive he says I never complimented him or took initiative for sex and he thought I didn't care, I still told him he should have talked to me where he insists he made a mistake but still swears nothing happened, I said if that is true maybe something was gonna happen sooner or later if I didn't catch him. Would marriage counseling help us? Right now I can't stand to look at him.


If he's telling the truth then he should have no problem w/ any of this...



GusPolinski said:


> Ask him for the name of the site, then *make him show you* the e-mail that he received upon registering for a user ID on the site.
> 
> He also needs to *IMMEDIATELY* (so that he doesn't have time to delete e-mails, private message, etc) give up the following...
> 
> ...


Ask him for these things and see what he says. His reaction should be very telling.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

Lola416 said:


> My husband said he couldn't talk to me, he felt like we were disconnected. I didn't feel the same. He claims his emotionl fair was coffee and a conversation. He said he never expected more. He met the girl online. She is ten years older...since I caught him texting he says he will have no further contact and will do counseling if that's what I want...any thoughts?


I have lunch with women from my work all of the time. We just shoot the breeze most of the time and never cross any lines. Nothing wrong with having friends and keeping them just that and nothing more. He gets disconnected because he has diverted the conversations and feelings from you to another women. He does not need counseling. He needs an ass kicking!!!!


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

He closed his email account and gave me the passwords to his voicemail at home and work. He swears he only had coffee he gave me the girls email address and said email her if I want he has nothing to hide.i want to believe him. Would he do this if he was lying?


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Why wouldn't he? He already got caught, now he is in damage control.
Who's to say she wouldn't lie for him as well. I imagine its possible that she knew he was married, and had no problem violating your boundaries.

The things you need to realize are:
(1) Your husband's modus operandi is to have a backup plan.
(2) The OW's objective to progress from B to A.


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

gouge_away said:


> Why wouldn't he? He already got caught, now he is in damage control.
> Who's to say she wouldn't lie for him as well. I imagine its possible that she knew he was married, and had no problem violating your boundaries.
> 
> The things you need to realize are:
> ...


im not sure but I don't know if he would give all that too me if this wasn't over. I'm not doubting she may lie but I a, making him text her I'm front of me that it's done and over. I don't know what really happened not sure if I want too. He said he will do counseling I a, thinking he may want to work it out. We have a lot of years history I don't want it to end plus we have small kids


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Since I've been married, I've noticed that women other than my wife speak only Farsi, Klingon, or CouponQueen, so it actually is impossible to talk to them.

I still look at some of them.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Lola416 said:


> He closed his email account and gave me the passwords to his voicemail at home and work. He swears he only had coffee he gave me the girls email address and said email her if I want he has nothing to hide.i want to believe him. Would he do this if he was lying?


Why would he close his e-mail account unless he didn't want you reading through his e-mails and possibly finding something that doesn't jive w/ what he's telling you...?

And the fact that he gave you the OW's e-mail address doesn't mean much of anything. After all, she may be married as well. If so, she likely doesn't want her fling w/ your husband to wreck her marriage. So all they have to do is to come up w/ a story and stick to it. And if all you have for her is an e-mail address and no phone number, it would be exceedingly easy for her to lie and deny.


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Why would he close his e-mail account unless he didn't want you reading through his e-mails and possibly finding something that doesn't jive w/ what he's telling you...?
> 
> And the fact that he gave you the OW's e-mail address doesn't mean much of anything. After all, she may be married as well. If so, she likely doesn't want her fling w/ your husband to wreck her marriage. So all they have to do is to come up w/ a story and stick to it. And if all you have for her is an e-mail address and no phone number, it would be exceedingly easy for her to lie and deny.


He closed it because he said he is from now on only gonna use a shared email with me so I can trust him. I still have trust issues with him but this only Happened 2 weeks ago. He swears it was a mistake so even if it was shouldn't I try and work it out?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Lola416 said:


> He closed it because he said he is from now on only gonna use a shared email with me so I can trust him.


That's dumb. If he were telling the truth, he should've had no issue w/ allowing you to read every e-mail that he and OW exchanged.

Tell you what, try this... send an e-mail to the e-mail address associated w/ the supposedly-now-deleted account from your account. If you don't get back an error message citing an invalid e-mail address, you'll know that he's lying about having closed the account, at which point you should demand that he turn over the password.



Lola416 said:


> I still have trust issues with him...


That makes sense. After all, he's done nothing to PROVE to you that he's telling the truth. Letting you read the e-mails that he and OW exchanged w/ each other would've done that.

Unless, of course, he's lying.



Lola416 said:


> ...but this only Happened 2 weeks ago.


50 weeks and a day from now, it will have happened a year ago. And a year after that, it will have happened two years ago. For as long as he's lying, you're going to have problems w/ trusting him, and it won't matter how much time has passed.



Lola416 said:


> He swears it was a mistake...


That makes it sound like something that was out of his control, which is bullish*t.



Lola416 said:


> ...so even if it was shouldn't I try and work it out?


Eh... that's up to you. That said, most here (myself included) wouldn't encourage ANY BS to commit to reconciliation when all that's being offered up by the WS is one lie after another.


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> That's dumb. If he were telling the truth, he should've had no issue w/ allowing you to read every e-mail that he and OW exchanged.
> 
> Tell you what, try this... send an e-mail to the e-mail address associated w/ the supposedly-now-deleted account from your account. If you don't get back an error message citing an invalid e-mail address, you'll know that he's lying about having closed the account, at which point you should demand that he turn over the password.
> 
> ...


He did let me read the email that were left on his email. But they were mostly small talk. There was one he complimented how nice she looked but that was it. They were from different dates but he never kept anything probably in fear he would get caught. I did sent the email I got back an undeliverable. I know it is strange to close it but he claims he closed it so I know he has nothing going on.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Lola, it only takes about 30 seconds to set up a new, junk email account that you wouldn't even be aware of.

Keep your eyes open.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Lola, it only takes about 30 seconds to set up a new, junk email account that you wouldn't even be aware of.
> 
> Keep your eyes open.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Definately. I will. I did notice he does not have his ohone so close anymore so maybe he is telling the truth. Is there anyone on this site that has survived an affair?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Lola416 said:


> Definately. I will. I did notice he does not have his ohone so close anymore so maybe he is telling the truth. Is there anyone on this site that has survived an affair?


Tons of us.

That said, I feel the need to point out that, whether you reconcile or divorce, you will survive.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Tons of us.
> 
> That said, I feel the need to point out that, whether you reconcile or divorce, you will survive.


Tons? :scratchhead:

OP, but like he said.. you will survive either way.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

He insists he 'didn't do anything. He just had coffee.'

But...he did quite a bit. He went on a dating or hookup site to find women. He found someone he liked and contacted the person. After she responded, he went on at least four dates with her.

This is your issue. Not that he is having conversations with another woman. He was in the middle of an affair that he actively sought when you caught him.

Don't let him talk you around. This is serious.


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

alte Dame said:


> He insists he 'didn't do anything. He just had coffee.'
> 
> But...he did quite a bit. He went on a dating or hookup site to find women. He found someone he liked and contacted the person. After she responded, he went on at least four dates with her.
> 
> ...


I agree and pointed all of that out to him over and over. He keeps saying he knows he screwed up but he felt like our marriage was just going thru the motions and that I wasn't interested in him anymore, he insists he only had coffee I told him I don't know any 40 year olds who just have coffee but he keeps up with it. I know my husband nj he does like to talk but I'm still not sure I believe everything I am gonna be cautious but I am gonna try and work things out I do love him and for our kids. He says he loves me and will do whatever I want like therapy etc. He gve me lol the passwords and yes I know he can easily get a new account but i don't understand why if he really wanted out this was his chance right? He was caught doing something and it was Inapproproate for a married guy even if it was coffee


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Lola416 said:


> I agree and pointed all of that out to him over and over. He keeps saying he knows he screwed up but he felt like our marriage was just going thru the motions and that I wasn't interested in him anymore.
> 
> *Ask him why he didn't come to you regarding these thoughts.
> 
> ...


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

I checked his phone this morning there is nothing to see not that he could have deleted it but...I actually did notice her contact info was gone out of his phone not that he can't still have it...I know. I guess I am hopeful this has ended we have been talking a lot these past few weeks and some of the stuff he said I can see he was hurting thinking I didn't care about him. I know he can look like he is blaming me but he says a lot of stuff explaining his actions too and how stupid is was. And apologizes a lot. I'm not stupid I'm gonna be on guard but right now I feel like he is trying to make up for what he did. I do think it's over for real. He gave me his passwords I can check his work voicemail anytime I have at random times like early morning, in the middle of the night there was nothing. I know he can easily have gotten another email but I have not see him texting at all when he is home and no calls he can't possibly have another ohone I don't know about plus I have no seen ANY money aside from the $20 he takes in the morning for the day. So if he was doing something more than coffee it would be difficult I think unless he was gonna make out in his car in daylight which is not impossible but for 2 40+ years old would be pretty ridiculous


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

1marriedlady said:


> I sooooo disagree.
> 
> I have a single guy friend and we do meet for coffee, I even bring the coffee to his place. We are *"two reasonably attractive, unrelated, straight people of the opposite sex." * My husband knows my friend and knows he and I go for coffee. I will be gone for hours at a time with my guy friend. It doesn't bother my hubby.
> 
> ...



You are a woman. You have zero idea of what ideas the male half of this equation is carrying around, so you can't say there is no hidden agenda. You can only say there is none on your end...today. The only women a straight guy considers to be like sisters are females who came from the same womb as he did. You might get together, talk, and laugh, and in his mind the entire time, you could be getting nailed like an old pine board. I've been a guy over 50 years. Worked in primarily male professions my entire adult life. If I tell you it's highly unlikely that a straight non-relative male doesn't view you as a sexual target, you can take that straight to the bank.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> You are a woman. You have zero idea of what ideas the male half of this equation is carrying around, so you can't say there is no hidden agenda. You can only say there is none on your end...today. The only women a straight guy considers to be like sisters are females who came from the same womb as he did. You might get together, talk, and laugh, and in his mind the entire time, you could be getting nailed like an old pine board. I've been a guy over 50 years. Worked in primarily male professions my entire adult life. If I tell you it's highly unlikely that a straight non-relative male doesn't view you as a sexual target, you can take that straight to the bank.


Though graphic, there is truth to what is written here. I think part of this is maturity and boundaries. People who are not emotionally complex may not be able to appreciate these types of relationships for what they are. I think men and women can have a fondness for each other, an intellectual connection and stimulation, without it sliding over into the need to see each other undressed. It's called maturity and respect, and some people have it. When people meet for the first time and start spending time alone, there's no history and therefore no real concern or respect for the other person's ultimate well-being (marriage, family, integrity, etc.). People who are content within themselves find it much easier to block out anything that would be hazardous to their life. Quite simply, they care more about the big picture, the value the person as a human being, not a potential romantic interest. They may be attracted in some sense to the person, but would never dare break the value of the friendship as-is. It takes self-control, not every one is this disciplined.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I think women have a better understanding of how a woman's mind works than I do. I think I have a clearer understanding of how a man's mind works than any woman does. I wish I had a dollar for every rape victim who started out by telling me she was just buddies with some guy or thought of him as a brother and she had no idea he was interested in her "that way". Wish I had a dime for every time I heard a straight male make a sexual comment about a woman he appeared to have a casual or friendly relationship with. Men and women aren't the same. They don't think the same. It doesn't matter how progressive or enlightened you imagine you or they are. Doesn't matter if the straight guy is 14 or 90, whether he's rich or poor, a high school dropout or if he has three Phds. Men are men and they are sexually interested in women. Some conceal it better than others but the attraction is there. It is unlikely you will ever see a straight guy go out of his way to have multiple meetings with a woman he finds unattractive simply for the pleasure of her fascinating conversation.


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## Shiksagoddess (Jan 20, 2011)

Lola416 said:


> Married 16 yrs 2 kids 12 & 9. I don't want to break up he says he doesn't either and will do whatever I want. He claims he met her on a site his friend was on not sure what it was...he met her a few times to talk and they exchanged texts I think it was more thn what he says but he swears otherwise he said he was only looking for someone to talk too. *He says he doesn't want a divorce will do whatever it takes*


Hopefully he is willing to go to marriage counseling and learn to communicate with *YOU*. He is talking the talk, but not walking the walk.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You have a very hopeful heart, Lola. This is usually a good thing, I think. We see this, however, all the time here. The heart masks what is right in front of us in order to protect us.

Your WH says that he 'couldn't talk to you.' Perhaps this is true, perhaps not. There are all manner of excuses and justifications for infidelity, so you can't really be sure if he was feeling an emotional need or if he just wanted to check out a hookup site, like his friend was doing. The excitement of that is often enough to focus the mind of a cheater at least partially on a justification.

I really think in your case - for your own good, for your own emotional health, for your future - you need to see past your hopefulness as much as you can and look at what he was doing:

He was dating another woman. He wanted to do this. He sought her out and went on multiple dates until you discovered it.

This is what you know to be true. Be practical and deal with the seriousness of what you know. How do you feel about this undeniable fact? Can you recover from it? Believe me, it will take a lot of work on both your parts to do this. Take a deep breath and release, if you can, your hysterical hopefulness. Just look at the facts and start to ask yourself what you can live with for your future.

Time will help you determine this. And counseling. I wish you the best in whatever you choose.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> I think women have a better understanding of how a woman's mind works than I do. I think I have a clearer understanding of how a man's mind works than any woman does. I wish I had a dollar for every rape victim who started out by telling me she was just buddies with some guy or thought of him as a brother and she had no idea he was interested in her "that way". Wish I had a dime for every time I heard a straight male make a sexual comment about a woman he appeared to have a casual or friendly relationship with. Men and women aren't the same. They don't think the same. It doesn't matter how progressive or enlightened you imagine you or they are. Doesn't matter if the straight guy is 14 or 90, whether he's rich or poor, a high school dropout or if he has three Phds. Men are men and they are sexually interested in women. Some conceal it better than others but the attraction is there. It is unlikely you will ever see a straight guy go out of his way to have multiple meetings with a woman he finds unattractive simply for the pleasure of her fascinating conversation.


Men think about sex much more than women do; that's been proven. Most men have fantasized about sex with pretty much every non-member of their family, maybe even their cousins. Their co-workers, their friends' wives, their sister in law, pretty much any female he comes in contact with. I think that's a fair assessment. This is probably not something women fully understand.. the visual-physical nature of men. 

Some women know EXACTLY how a man's mind works and are able to manipulate men. There are many women like this, hence the old standby's of women feeling they have to "keep their man happy". And yes, women are more inclined to answer the question "Can men and women be just friends?" in the affirmative. Women are typically the gate keeper and dictate the pace at which a relationship could physical. Unless a guy tries to break them down via male charm and testing the boundaries. 

People can be attractive for different reasons, not just physical. We can be impressed by someone's mind, talents, personality, vulnerabilities, etc. Someone who is physically unattractive to you may become attractive in another sense. However, people are able to transcend the mating impulse and keep the connection elevated. If two people have that same value and a long history together, it's possible. It's more of brotherly-sisterly relationship. Some people have never had a brother or a sister and it fills that void. Some people legitimately look for insight into the mind of the opposite sex via a friend. The danger is when they start to say "Wow, you're so wonderful, I wish YOU were my girlfriend".


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

I believe it's unfair to characterize men as being weak and unable to carry on purely platonic friendships or relationships with another woman simply because he doesn't have a listening ear at home. Additionally, if this was the other way around i.e if it was the woman crying on another mans shoulder I'm sure there will be some rationalization for it. It's called a double standard.

The issue here is, was he hiding it and was he honest about the whole thing after it came to light, and whats his plan moving forward.


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

I totally agree and that's what I told him. I said even if u didn't do anything u found her and contacted her and met her for cofee all without telling me. That's when he says he realized he made a mistake. I do think he still kind of thinks it was not. Big deal because he insists nothing happened. I said even if if it didn't happen it may have down the road. He says neber it wasn't his intention, his intention was to just meet someone for coffee and conversation no he says he felt like he needed someone to show him he was still interesting. I told him that person wa supposed to be me not her.


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## DodgingRain (Jun 25, 2013)

What I see a lot is that people are completely blaming him. The emotion affair is a symptom of the bigger problem. Some of this is on Lola, it isn't all on him. The problem/s needs to be treated not just the symptom and some of the work needs to be on her part not just all of it on him. If this all gets put on him the marriage will fail, if not now then in the future as the real issues are not being addressed.

You want more of a guys point of view so here goes (I will put on bullet proof vest now)...

He has needs that are not being met. If those don't get addressed either he is going to be miserable or this will happen again.

If Lola isn't initiating sex, makes sex seem like it's just a chore that has to be "checked off", is spending most of her time and energy on the kids, or is wrapped up in the daily monotony then I'm willing to bet his needs are not being met and he is feeling like the family "mule", there to provide and do the work but nothing else. There needs to be interest and appreciation over time towards him that is shown *with actions*, not words, and it needs to be stuff that is "special" not "day to day" things that have to be done anyway. For example, making dinner isn't special, getting rid of the kids and making dinner in something ****ty is.... Just make sure a family member doesn't die on that same night (lol, been there!!)

The problem from his side is if he tells her all that and she starts doing things to "meet her needs" it comes off as if she only really cares when the marriage is on the line and the actions to meet his needs will stop once things are "stable" again. I don't know the answer to that one. So the trust issue here frankly goes both ways.

Is this fixable?, of course it is, but it needs a significant amount of work and commitment from both of them. IF there wasn't any physical cheating this shouldn't be treated like there was. Doing that will cause more damage than good but it should be treated as a big flashing warning sign that there are issues that need to be addressed.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Lola416 said:


> I totally agree and that's what I told him. I said even if u didn't do anything u found her and contacted her and met her for cofee all without telling me. That's when he says he realized he made a mistake. I do think he still kind of thinks it was not. Big deal because he insists nothing happened. I said even if if it didn't happen it may have down the road. He says neber it wasn't his intention, his intention was to just meet someone for coffee and conversation no he says he felt like he needed someone to show him he was still interesting. I told him that person wa supposed to be me not her.


So I guess the question, what will it take for him to regain your trust? It sounds like you are hopeful, you guys are taking steps, etc.... but are you concerned you will spend the rest of your married life playing detective?


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

EllisRedding said:


> So I guess the question, what will it take for him to regain your trust? It sounds like you are hopeful, you guys are taking steps, etc.... but are you concerned you will spend the rest of your married life playing detective?


Exactly me that is what I don't want. We are thing it slow I don't trust him yet because I still have questions but each day we have been talking long talks and I do think we haven't talked like this in a long time.


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

EllisRedding said:


> So I guess the question, what will it take for him to regain your trust? It sounds like you are hopeful, you guys are taking steps, etc.... but are you concerned you will spend the rest of your married life playing detective?


I am hopeful and I like your comments. We have talked so much these past few weeks. I think a lot of stuff I took for granted too and made him feel bad, some of the stuff I knew I did and he called me out in it. I'm not innocent but I would have gone to him before I connected with someone else. Thanks


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Is it possible? Yes.
Is it likely? No.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I believe that the experienced male TAM members would say that your marital problems are a 50/50 deal, while the cheating is 100% on him. This isn't a gender issue. 

He has added the pain of infidelity to the mix and it has to be addressed for what it is. Nothing drove him to cheat. There are countless ways to approach disconnects in marriage. Cheating is one, very bad way.

You can take responsibility for your part in your marriage, but don't take responsibility for his decision to start dating another woman.


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

I work in a profession where the staff went from 30% female to 80% female over the last 25 years. Still haven't met one I'd throw my marriage over for, even though we are about a year in R after her PA in 2010-2011. Discovered it last August. When I did start to get to comfortable with a co-worker years ago I stopped contact immediately I realized what was going on. Since then I have kept my distance, even when my job was to intercede with our employer on their behalf to pull them out of the fire.
I don't know any men who have close friendships with women the are not in a relationship with. I guess its possible, but I've never seen it work.


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## autopilot (Mar 16, 2012)

I read a lot on this site but don't post much. But, your situation really has tugged on me. At some point in our relationships, I'll bet most have had a similar problem as I see here.

Detachment. Your emotional bond has been broken by reasons you haven't completely investigated. But, you've alluded to the results of that detachment. Poor or lack of sex, little to no communication, probably little interaction with each other as a couple. All of those things eventually lead to resentment and an emotional gulf between each other.

When those needs are no longer being met, eventually one or the other is going to seek out another who will meet those needs. Is it wrong to do that? Absolutely. But, we all desire to be loved and appreciated. When our spouse or significant other no longer provides that, we start longing for it outside of the relationship.

So, work on repairing the detachment. If you both really want to fix your marriage, it can certainly be done. And, your marriage can become stronger because of it.

But, that doesn't mean that you completely trust his actions or motives at this point. He has to earn that trust from you. So, continue to "trust but verify" until you feel confident that he is completely trust-worthy again (and, possibly, that time will never come for you).

We all go through rough patches in our relationships due to detachment, misperception, poor communication, etc., etc., etc. The really good relationships are the ones which recognize them early and work on them before they get out of hand.

Don't just settle for mediocre. Expect and strive to have the best relationship possible from each of your perspectives. That means communicating in a way that may be uncomfortable for you both at first. Lay all your cards on the table of what you expect to have and what you feel like you have in your relationship. Recognize and work on the the perceived short-comings and don't neglect the strong points.

Good luck to you.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I really don't believe the coffee and conversation. Really. If he was being truthful he would have saved the correspondence so you could see. 

He was on a fvck site. Looking for Sex.

Change the word coffee for sex every time it's written, every time he says coffee think sex, that will be nearer the truth.

I don't want to plant half baked ideas in your head but this story he's giving makes no sense at all. Not with his hiding the truth, not taking you to his profile, deleting conversations, and his reaction when caught. He was not protesting 'but I didn't do anything!' He was saying how awful he'd been. He is lying. 

By the way this is a natural reaction to being found out. They all lie. To minimise upsetting you, to minimise what they did and how bad they got, to minimise the possible damage to the relationship. To save their asses basically. 

What kind of email account was it? Some you can reactivate quite easily. Has he told you the email address and password? 

Has he told you which site he was on? Find out. Put that email address in and ask it to send you the password once you've reactivated the email. Have a look at his profile. Make sure he tells you the right site though. Most you will be able to reactivate a profile if deleted. That's if he had deleted it.

Do this while he's at work so he can't sabotage what you're doing. Do all this as sneakily as possible, with him not knowing a thing if possible. If he knows he will sabotage. Just like he deleted everything when you caught him just so that he couldn't prove to you that 'nothing happened'!!!!

Remember, coffee = sex
date site = fvck site (when you're married)


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

autopilot said:


> I read a lot on this site but don't post much. But, your situation really has tugged on me. At some point in our relationships, I'll bet most have had a similar problem as I see here.
> 
> Detachment. Your emotional bond has been broken by reasons you haven't completely investigated. But, you've alluded to the results of that detachment. Poor or lack of sex, little to no communication, probably little interaction with each other as a couple. All of those things eventually lead to resentment and an emotional gulf between each other.
> 
> ...


Hi thanks I think your reply is so accurate. We talked this morning and I asked him again why he would meet her and he said because he is stupid. He said it was because he didn't feel loved and I gave him no attention. He says he never didn't love me but just felt like he needed something. He still claims he never did anything more than talk to the girl t the coffee shop I not sure at this point.... But when I said why couldn't u talk to me he said because I didn't believe u wanted that anymore. So I know some people are gonna say he is trying to throw the blame on me but it really isn't like that we have been talking a lot lately he says he is gonna work on us. That is his only focus. He wants me to try and get a babysitter and go away 1 night with him. He said to talk and just enjoy ourselves. I kind of want that too. I do feel like maybe we did kind of take each other for granted. I just didn't realize it. HE told me our sex life was not there. I thought it was until I really thought about it. Yes we did have sex but long and in between...he said he felt like I just went thru the motions. When I look back I do feel like that. So there is some truth to what he is saying I didn't see it. Not that any of what is did is he right thing...but...maybe we did need the counseling...


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

Remains said:


> I really don't believe the coffee and conversation. Really. If he was being truthful he would have saved the correspondence so you could see.
> 
> He was on a fvck site. Looking for Sex.
> 
> ...


He never registered on the dating site. He contacted this girl under his friends profile and when she replied he emailed her directly. He gave me his email passwords as well as his voicemail at work and cell. There were no messages to read because of course he erased them if there were any so he wouldn't get caught although I did read everthing that was on his phone the night he was caught. Which was basically small talk nothing to indicate anything going on... But there were prior messages (which he claims that was everthing) that they didn't talk that much. Which I don't believe.. The only inapproproate one I saw was he said you looked nice today in red. When I asked him about that he said it was a compliment only. Not happy about that either. I don't really trust the coffee story but I'm trying too...I mean if it did Happen I guess it is up to us now to see if we want it to work..we r currently looking for a marriage counselor...his idea. guess we will have to wait and see...


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Lola416 said:


> Hi thanks I think your reply is so accurate. We talked this morning and I asked him again why he would meet her and he said because he is stupid. He said it was because he didn't feel loved and I gave him no attention. He says he never didn't love me but just felt like he needed something. He still claims he never did anything more than talk to the girl t the coffee shop I not sure at this point.... But when I said why couldn't u talk to me he said because I didn't believe u wanted that anymore. So I know some people are gonna say he is trying to throw the blame on me but it really isn't like that we have been talking a lot lately he says he is gonna work on us. That is his only focus. He wants me to try and get a babysitter and go away 1 night with him. He said to talk and just enjoy ourselves. I kind of want that too. I do feel like maybe we did kind of take each other for granted. I just didn't realize it. HE told me our sex life was not there. I thought it was until I really thought about it. Yes we did have sex but long and in between...he said he felt like I just went thru the motions. When I look back I do feel like that. So there is some truth to what he is saying I didn't see it. Not that any of what is did is he right thing...but...maybe we did need the counseling...


I honestly think it is refreshing that you are least listening to him as to why he did what he did. This is in no way justifying his actions, but the fact of the matter is you guys are in this relationship together, so understanding why he did what he did is important if you guys are to truly reconcile. The easiest route would obviously be to just blame him for everything and ignore that you had some role to play in all of this (once again, not justifying his actions).

TBH though, if I was in your position, the chat stuff wouldn't bother me as much as actually going out of your way to physically meet someone. That to me shows intent (whether anything happened or not) to take things further. Also factor in that odds are this married woman was probably in the same mindset when she met him, so in the back of both of their minds a physical relationship was on the table (hopefully not literally at the coffee shop  ). To me that is the part that he really needs to earn your trust back over, and I don't know how easy that will be for him or how easy it will be for you to finally look past.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I, too, think it's good to have an honest, productive airing of issues in your marriage. BUT, your WH is using this to take the spotlight off his infidelity. This is not good for you, because, believe me, the cheating won't let go of you. You may think that you can 'put it in the past,' but that is much, much easier said than done. In truth, you will be haunted and hurt by it for a very long time.

What you have to try to understand is that your WH did what he did with feelings of excitement, anticipation, and attraction. He wasn't saying to himself, 'Woe is me. My W isn't giving me sex or talking to me enough. I really, really need a sympathetic female ear.' True, he may feel some lack in that department, but that's not what he was doing or saying.

What he was saying to himself was, 'Should I really do this? Can I get away with it? Wow, she's hot! This is exciting! It's got my adrenaline going! Can't wait for the sex! Need to remember to delete everything!'

It's good and important to credit his concerns about your marriage and to work on things. It is, however, a loser's game to rugsweep the fact that he pursued and dated another woman while married to you. If you let him minimize this and focus mostly on what he tells you the 'why' is, you will have a recipe for a failed reconciliation.

This isn't a game of gotcha. This is an exercise in truth. If he wants the two of you to truthfully confront your issues together, he has to be truthful about what he has done to make your problems much worse.


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## materesa (May 1, 2015)

I had a friend at work and she had the same thing happening to her: it was her boyfriend, a guy who did not see her as a priority, his video games and his friends were more important than she was, not even the sex was good!!!

Now back to the subject, she told me about the online "affair", cause is an affair non the less, you wouldn't do that to your partner, but we are women, we wouldn't expect man to be as thoughtful as we are. 

So here is what I advised my friend, it was a little harsh, but it worked. This girl he met online was in Texas, I told my friend to let him get to know her, once he knew her in person he would realized she was fat and not as fun in person as she was online. She did, her then boyfriend went to Texas (from California) and he spend not only a couple of days, but a week!! in Texas, any how, it was the end of it. Do not oppose, let him do what he wants, let him meet her in person... maybe she would do you a favor; more likely he will realize that the charm is broken once they meet in person, or she will. And then ask your husband if it would be ok for you to have a best buddy also. Oh well! man.


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

EllisRedding said:


> I honestly think it is refreshing that you are least listening to him as to why he did what he did. This is in no way justifying his actions, but the fact of the matter is you guys are in this relationship together, so understanding why he did what he did is important if you guys are to truly reconcile. The easiest route would obviously be to just blame him for everything and ignore that you had some role to play in all of this (once again, not justifying his actions).
> 
> TBH though, if I was in your position, the chat stuff wouldn't bother me as much as actually going out of your way to physically meet someone. That to me shows intent (whether anything happened or not) to take things further. Also factor in that odds are this married woman was probably in the same mindset when she met him, so in the back of both of their minds a physical relationship was on the table (hopefully not literally at the coffee shop  ). To me that is the part that he really needs to earn your trust back over, and I don't know how easy that will be for him or how easy it will be for you to finally look past.


Totally agree thanks. Yes that bothered me the most that he met her I told him he seemed her out emailed met and then kept it a secret. He insists nothing happened I hope it's the truth. He says he made a bad choice and he is going to earn my trust back. He wants us to keep communicating and do counseling. And he wants me to pay more attention to him and us. Again he is not perfect and neither am I .


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

alte Dame said:


> I, too, think it's good to have an honest, productive airing of issues in your marriage. BUT, your WH is using this to take the spotlight off his infidelity. This is not good for you, because, believe me, the cheating won't let go of you. You may think that you can 'put it in the past,' but that is much, much easier said than done. In truth, you will be haunted and hurt by it for a very long time.
> 
> What you have to try to understand is that your WH did what he did with feelings of excitement, anticipation, and attraction. He wasn't saying to himself, 'Woe is me. My W isn't giving me sex or talking to me enough. I really, really need a sympathetic female ear.' True, he may feel some lack in that department, but that's not what he was doing or saying.
> 
> ...


Agreed. I told him he has to be truthful even if it hurts me that I need to know. He is sticking to his story. He claims they met 4x for coffee and talked about their relationships and small talk. I dontknow what to believe yet but I try to get more and more each day even though his story is consistent . Yes he can be lying and playing me but I do know him pretty well and I think he is telling the truth. I knew there was something off with him when he got caught.... I just don't see why he would try so hard to reconcileif he didn't want to be here this was his chance to get out. I'm not dumb and forgiving him yet. But I do think everthing has been better over these last few weeks because we r communicating.


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

So today my husband went out to watch the fight. He left late because our kids had a softball game. He text me when he got to his friends house. I checked the phone log got nothing out of the ordinary. I think he is trying but now just the fact he is out and away from me makes me feel pissed off.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

My advice to you dear.

Go ape sh!t,
You will not recover from this if you do not approach it as if it is the worst case scenario.

I know you don't want to know if this went physical, denial might help *YOU* now, but ripping his heart out and feeding it to him will help *HIM* in the future.

When he gets home, approach him like your gonna kiss him, but instead take a deep sniff of his neck, and don't say a word.


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

Actually I did want to know every detail...I felt like I needed to know but he says nothing happened not sure if it's true... Anyway I did go ape **** on him the night I found out and since tht we had better communication but I'm still not feeling like I believe him


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

DodgingRain said:


> What I see a lot is that people are completely blaming him. The emotion affair is a symptom of the bigger problem. Some of this is on Lola, it isn't all on him. The problem/s needs to be treated not just the symptom and some of the work needs to be on her part not just all of it on him. If this all gets put on him the marriage will fail, if not now then in the future as the real issues are not being addressed.
> 
> You want more of a guys point of view so here goes (I will put on bullet proof vest now)...
> 
> ...


Agree with a lot of what you are saying here as it always 'takes two to tango' and a marriage is like a garden it needs maintaining by both parties. But if there is a problem surely the husband should address it with his wife not go off looking for 'comfort' elsewhere, to me that is a cowardly approach and one which only ends up hurting everyone. One cannot say, 'my marriage is ****e, so I had an affair' and blame shift, there is still a choice/option not to cheat and try and sort it out. If the BS is not listening then maybe it is another story. But all this justification is totally out of line. Betrayal is betrayal, no ifs or buts.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Lola416 said:


> Actually I did want to know every detail...I felt like I needed to know but he says nothing happened not sure if it's true... Anyway I did go ape **** on him the night I found out and since tht we had better communication but I'm still not feeling like I believe him


You have absolutely no reason to believe him, he got caught in a lie, yes he is in damage control mode, DO NOT BELIEVE A WORD.

Treat this as if its the worse case scenario. You may have the truth, or you may never get the truth. Either way, if you want to make sure this doesn't happen again, he needs RIGID consequences. I wouldn't let his cheating ass out of the house for a good year or two. If he wants coffee and conversation, he's buying, your driving.



aine said:


> a marriage is like a garden it needs maintaining by both parties.


Assume he is supplying the fertilizer.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Lola416 said:


> Actually I did want to know every detail...I felt like I needed to know but he says nothing happened not sure if it's true... Anyway I did go ape **** on him the night I found out and since tht we had better communication but I'm still not feeling like I believe him


I still stand by my comments though, what will it take for you to finally trust him? I am not saying it should happen over night as he has to earn your trust back for things to work out. However, if you can't eventually find a way to trust him where every move he makes you are on edge to go apesh1t, I don't see you being anything but miserable and eventually pushing him away (if he is genuinely trying to reconcile things). Tough situation.


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

EllisRedding said:


> I still stand by my comments though, what will it take for you to finally trust him? I am not saying it should happen over night as he has to earn your trust back for things to work out. However, if you can't eventually find a way to trust him where every move he makes you are on edge to go apesh1t, I don't see you being anything but miserable and eventually pushing him away (if he is genuinely trying to reconcile things). Tough situation.


I am trying too. I really feel like our communication has been somgood. I honestly think we did lose that for a bit. He wants to go away for a night or two with me without the kids to try and spark the romance. He says hen has never stopped loving me just felt like I didn't care anymore I have stressed over and over he should have come to me. He says he regrets that he screwed up but he is gonna do what fever it takes to prove to me otherwise. I honestly am trying to trust him I have not checked his phone or email but satisfied I can because he gave me the passwords. I don't want to live in the edge always and i told him that. I felt myself a little suspicious the other day when I saw him talking in his phone when I was upstairs and he was downstairs although my heart dropped I didn't say anything and I found out later it was my aunt hen was speaking too. I known this is gonna be a little tough for me but I do feel like he is trying and not lying to me.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Your heart dropped? Suspicious the other day? Those are justified, validated feelings, based on real hard fact finding.

Feeling like he is trying and not lying to you, that's hopeful thinking. Hope is one of two things:
A coping mechanism for uncertainty.
Or
An extension of your confidence in something you cannot control.

You *need* to be in control of this, do not be loose with your boundaries, he has crossed the line more than a few times, and he knew damn well where that line was drawn.
Why on earth would he even for a second think this was OK or justifiable? Answer that, and you will find the problem, it has more to do with you than it does with him. That doesn't mean he isn't 100% responsible for his behaviour, it just means you dont hold him 100% responsible.


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

gouge_away said:


> Your heart dropped? Suspicious the other day? Those are justified, validated feelings, based on real hard fact finding.
> 
> Feeling like he is trying and not lying to you, that's hopeful thinking. Hope is one of two things:
> A coping mechanism for uncertainty.
> ...


I do hold him 100% responsible for his actions but I do know him for over 20 years and I think I can see that he was saying he felt like I checked out. Some examples he gave me I clearly did but I never realized they hurt him even though that was what I was trying to do..I just thought maybe he brushed it off. Believe me I am not stupid I will investigate most things he says or does if they r suspicious to me. He broke the trust I m hoping he is telling the truth. We start counseling next week. I love him and I want us to remain a family. I am hopeful we can fix this.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lola416 said:


> I do hold him 100% responsible for his actions but I do know him for over 20 years and I think I can see that he was saying he felt like I checked out. Some examples he gave me I clearly did but I never realized they hurt him even though that was what I was trying to do..I just thought maybe he brushed it off. Believe me I am not stupid I will investigate most things he says or does if they r suspicious to me. He broke the trust I m hoping he is telling the truth. We start counseling next week. I love him and I want us to remain a family. I am hopeful we can fix this.


Lola, it doesn't matter that you checked out hooking up with an OW is way over the line. Sounds like you might be letting him off the hook at little too easy. You are in the BS fog now with some denial as to the extent of what he has done, you know your husband for 20 years (implying he is not like other WS), the wanting to not know, the self-blaming for what he has done, etc, these are all coping mechanisms. 

He and only he is responsible for what he has done and you are letting him off lightly by taking on the load. Stop doing this and as someone above said, assume the worst because WS will never tell the whole truth (not up front anyhow) and will do what it takes to keep you quiet (MC, IC etc) as long as there is no full exposure. I think you H is not telling you the full truth and is feeding you want you want to hear. How sure are you that this has not progressed to a PA? He has met her so many times, what was he wanting to achieve? You will spend (probably) the rest of your life not knowing for sure, no person should have to put up with that. Would your reaction be different if he had a PA with this OW? The fact is he has betrayed your trust big time and he needs to own this and do the work to make it right. As it is all he is doing is talking while you are taking on his load, stop doing this, assume the worst and go from there.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

I want you to save your marriage too lola 

Anger, resentment, choice words of disappointment, fear, anxiety, dissatisfaction, the sting of betrayal... you need to express this all to your WH. Don't check out now and bottle all these emotions, let it pour out, and see if he is strong enough to withstand the storm.

That's the emotional connection he needs to see. Your passivity is what left him wandering, assert yourself.

Don't be afraid to hurt him, their is a big difference between hurt and harm.


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

I am not nice to him. But I also feel like I have to start being nicer since he is trying to help us get through ir. No I don't trust him he understands that he says he will prove it to me over time. I don't want to be miserable either and I am not being a pushover I am on full alert but I mean at some point I will have to trust him if I want things to work out. And if he is telling the truth now that he wants it to work out then I think we have a good chance. I am being stupid for thinking this way?


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