# Abuse and Christianity



## Girlygirl1234

Hello,

I have never used one of these before, so please bear with me. I am just looking for a little advice from people who know nothing about me.

I have been married to my husband for 2 1/2 years. I am only 21, and I married way to young. When we met, we had spent a week together, and fell in love. My husband was in the Marine Corps, and got sent overseas not long after. While he was overseas, we ended up getting married, and then spend the rest of the year apart. 

Anyways, to get down to the point, my husband and I are both Christians. He was raised a Christian though, and I was not, so sometimes I struggle with it. My husband has an AWFUL temper, he gets very angry at little things. There have been plenty of times that we have gotten into an argument because my husband says I am not being "submissive" or I am not "obeying" him like the Bible commands me to do. He will yell at me, and sometimes I end up yelling back, which turns into him calling me a bitc*, *****, ****, a waste of human life, a piece of trash, him telling me he hates me, he wished he never met me, and so on. There have also been a few times where he has said things like that, and I may tell him to shut up, or leave me alone, and than he usually will choke me or something. Sometimes when I am crying really loud, or he wants me to shut up, he puts it hand over my mouth and nose so I can barely breath, and yells at me till I stop crying. 

Anyways, I have tried to talk to him about it, but every time I do, he says I should not have provoked him, and that it is not abuse because he does not come home and beat me, he doesnt punch me, he doesnt get mad at me for not having dinner ready and than punch me in the face. He tells me that he is just taking control because he is "the head of the household" and he deserves "respect". 

I am just a little lost on what to do. I love my husband with all my heart, but I do not like him at all right now. I want to leave him, but he doesn't want a divorce because the Bible only allows divorce for adultery being committed, otherwise, you are committing adultery with anybody else you are with afterwards. I also am afraid to hurt him. I know he loves me, and I know how much it would tear him apart to lose me. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to spend the rest of my life miserable or wishing I had done something different, but I don't want to hurt him either!


----------



## soconfused1984

been there!!! ok I am so sorry you're going through this,and I can totally relate to your situation! my husband and I are Christians too, he has a very bad temper also and every little thing, is the end of the world for him. The book "the power of a wife's prayer" is really really helpfull, but you do have to take consideration that is takes alot, alot of comitment, praying, patience, etc.etc. if you're not willing to do this, then its not worth it. For me it worked because my husband changed completely!! but, my problem is that I did too late! now that he has changed, i no longer love him!!! I do feel very guilty and very confused at times and feel ashamed with God every day, but that is just the way i feel. So my advice is that you talk to him when he's calm, absolutely refuse to talk to him when he's angry like that, if you need to walk away, please do so! another, buy the book and read it, pray in the morning, lunch, dinner, night, and everytime he gets upset, pray for his understanding, for God to show him how he is hurting you. The book actually has very good prayer you can follow, and everytime my husband would get angry, I would lock myself in the bathroom and instead of crying and feeling pitty, i prayed!!! next thing yoy know, he was knocking on the door wanting to talk about it quietly and calmly =) don't do like me that I waited too long to take action and be very, very honest to him, unless you see you're in danger with him! or if you're scared confronting him, try talking on the phone about things, that worked for me also, i used to go to the park and call him, he then was able to talk calmly and i wasn't too scared to talk in front of him...I really hope you get better advice, maybe try counseling (i didn't and I regret it) and if all else fails, be true to yourself and your feelings. =) good luck and hope you find a solution!!! and if you feel you're in danger pleaseeeeee walk out!!


----------



## Unhappy2011

Girlygirl1234 said:


> I want to leave him, but he doesn't want a divorce because the Bible only allows divorce for adultery being committed, otherwise, you are committing adultery with anybody else you are with afterwards. I also am afraid to hurt him. I know he loves me, and I know how much it would tear him apart to lose me. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to spend the rest of my life miserable or wishing I had done something different, but I don't want to hurt him either!


This is America where we have separation of church and state. 

Your husband is emotionally manipulative and abusive, certainly not a good Christian at all.

I give you permission to leave.


----------



## Girlygirl1234

Is it considered abuse if it only happens when he is mad at me though? I mean, he can be such a good man, but it is just when he gets angry. And recently, our last big argument I threatened to leave, and he talked me out of it. Now, he won't let me be out past 11, and he doesn't like me hanging out with any of my coworkers, because he says since I work in a restaurant, all the people who work there are bad influences. I am also not allowed to drink anymore, because our last fight happened because I went out drinking, and came home late.


----------



## soconfused1984

not being able to handle his anger is going to lead him to abuse you physically, right now, he is abusing you verbally!! nobody deserves this and i went through it over and over and over..everytime he gets mad, he explodes and it sometimes its not even with me, its just with regular people and it hurts me to see that! that is not Christian behavior and he needs counseling and guidance but there are limits you should set to yourself! many men get cofused when they read that book in the bible about the husband and the wife being submissive so he needs someone to explain it better for him! i would always excuse my husband for his behavior and take all the blame, that is a sing of him taking over me!! watch out!


----------



## Unhappy2011

Girlygirl1234 said:


> Is it considered abuse if it only happens when he is mad at me though? I mean, he can be such a good man, but it is just when he gets angry.


You have that abused victim mentality where you are making excuses for the person who abuses you.

This is what you sound like:

"Well if I had only made his breakfast just perfect the way he wants it and not accidentally burned the toast, then he would not have thrown the whole plate at the wall and gone into a rage, yelling at me for an hour, calling me horrible names and destroying my self esteem and then leaving me to clean up the mess. Oh dear, don't know what to do....he is such a good man. "



Tell us why he is a good man? Because he has a job.

That's called normal.


----------



## soconfused1984

yeap!! you start excusing his behavior, changing your lifestyle that he thinks is wrong, stop having friends over, planning in advance what to say or what to do when he asked you for something, your heart raises when he calls you on the phone cus you're scared you did something wrong, etc. etc. watch out for these signs! do you have children? if you do, then is not right for them to see this is normal behavior in men just FYI...


----------



## Girlygirl1234

No, we do not have any children. It is just him and I. I am just afraid if I leave him, he will do something stupid to himself. And divorce seems so complicated and expensive. I just know he has good in him, but his temper is awful. It runs in his family, because his father is the same way, and still can be, with his wife. I look at them, and see the way he acts towards her, and it scares me thinking that could be me someday. I don't feel I should have to think about everything I say, before I say it, in fear of getting yelled at.


----------



## soconfused1984

yeah my husband is a good man too, he can be kind and very nice but he does have to try and like i've said he did change completely but he realized his problem when i told him i was leaving, of course i wasn't but i had to put him on the edge and since then, he's been trying his best to change and he has =) ...Stormie Omartian is the author of the book I"m talking about but act now! before your feelings for him change and you start getting resentment and anger towards him like i did. Don't see him as a bad person, see him as a person who needs help controlling his emtions, like a rehab!! not many wives are willing to help their husbands through something like that but since I am very patient and loving, i was able to do it so i really hope it turns out good for you =)


----------



## Girlygirl1234

Well thanks. Unfortunately, I do feel anger and resentment towards him. When I have said I was leaving, he begged me to stay, but said he isn't the problem, so he doesn't need to change anything. He says if I were not to disrespect him, it wouldn't turn out that bad.


----------



## soconfused1984

well you can pray about your feeling also, i prayed about mine, to be more patient, to be able to understand where he;s coming from, what does he want, what does he need, and every time God would answer my question the resentment and anger went away but unfortunately my love too... he will beg for you to stay everytime! one day, my husband said he hated himself for being like that! that is when he started talking to me about what he felt and obviously he wanted help. The book says that also, it happened to Stormie, there is a phase you go that he will start asking you to help him cus he doesn't want to loose you and she has prayers for that too. If you believe your husband can change, then he will! =) meanwhile, I don't recomend getting pregnant until you resolve your issues and stuff. my husband would blame his behavior towards me saying that i disrespected him also hahah! but that is part of the behavior, they blame their behavior on other people. Have faith in him and he will change just pray extremely alot!! but never take abuse =)


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

GirlyGirl:

To be a Christian is to be a follower of Christ, to follow Christ's teachings and examples, to live as Christ lived as best we can. Your husband's behavior is NOT Christian. Christ never choked anyone. Christ never tried to smother anyone. Even when He lost His temper in the temple and overturned the moneychangers' tables, He didn't attack anyone. When He was being scourged and spat upon, He didn't attack anyone...either verbally OR physically.

*You are being physically abused.* If your husband believes that the ONLY kind of physical abuse is punching you in general or punching you in the face he is SERIOUSLY DELUSIONAL. Choking, hitting, slapping, punching, kicking, smothering, elbowing, spitting...these are ALL physical abuse. Any time someone puts their hands (or any other body part: elbow, knee) on another person IN ANGER, IT IS ABUSE.

*You are being verbally abused.* The name-calling is ridiculous and juvenile.

*You are being emotionally abused.* Your husband blaming YOU for HIS rages, for HIS inability to handle stress/disappointment, HIS inability to get what he wants every time he wants it is abuse. He is LYING to you and to himself. HE can't control his own body. HE can't control his own mouth. HE can't control his own temper. But HE is supposed to 'control' you!?! THIS is HIS responsibility...he is not a puppet. You do not pull his strings.

His brand of 'Christianity' is VERY CONVENIENT...for him! He gets to do whatever he wants, treat you any way he wants, order you to be 'submissive'...and all without you getting to say "boo." Apparently he FORGOT to read the part of the Bible that commands a husband TO LOVE HIS WIFE as Christ loves the church. Yeah, that part kind of gets in the way of his temper tantrums...he's not gonna like THAT part of the Bible.

You seem confused about the role of a wife in a 'Christian' marriage. You need to be un-confused. I would recommend you take your original posting here (and any responses you think are pertinent), print them out, and take them with you to talk to AT LEAST 3 Christian leaders. Do NOT take it to the leader of your/your husband's church (maybe he gets these crazy ideas of choking you into submission from him, but I doubt it). Go to at least THREE different churches of three different denominations. Ask to speak to the minister/pastor/priest at the church. *Show him the posts. Tell him you are a 'new' Christian and confused about Christ's teachings on husbands/wives/marriage.*

You WILL have your eyes opened. The fact that these churches are NOT the denomination of Christianity that you/your husband belongs to currently is immaterial. Christian churches believe in Christ as God's son. Christian churches believe in the Bible as the unerring word of God. Different denominations DO have differences between them, but they ALL believe in the 2 facts I just pointed out...and aren't those THE MOST IMPORTANT facts to being a Christian?

You KNOW you should leave. You KNOW you are being abused. You KNOW it is dangerous. BUT, *you are afraid that if you leave him you will go to hell, or be an adulteress. When you talk to the Christian leaders, ask them THEIR opinion on hell/divorce/adultery/spousal abuse.*

You rushed into marriage, and regret it. I am NOT suggesting you rush into divorce. I am suggesting that you start EDUCATING yourself on what is/isn't correct Christian behavior, what is/isn't abuse, what is/isn't acceptable LEGAL behavior. Your husband can be arrested for the choking and smothering incidents alone.

*I know you love your husband. But your husband's behavior is TOXIC to your health and well-being.* If he doesn't change, he could seriously injure or kill you (even if he didn't MEAN to.) What chance would a baby or small child have against his temper. Don't believe for ONE MINUTE he wouldn't hurt them because he 'loves' them. He 'loves' you, too, and he's hurt you repeatedly. DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN UNTIL HIS ANGER PROBLEMS ARE RESOLVED.

Keep in touch on this site. We care!


----------



## Kearson

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> GirlyGirl:
> 
> To be a Christian is to be a follower of Christ, to follow Christ's teachings and examples, to live as Christ lived as best we can. Your husband's behavior is NOT Christian. Christ never choked anyone. Christ never tried to smother anyone. Even when He lost His temper in the temple and overturned the moneychangers' tables, He didn't attack anyone. When He was being scourged and spat upon, He didn't attack anyone...either verbally OR physically.
> 
> *You are being physically abused.* If your husband believes that the ONLY kind of physical abuse is punching you in general or punching you in the face he is SERIOUSLY DELUSIONAL. Choking, hitting, slapping, punching, kicking, smothering, elbowing, spitting...these are ALL physical abuse. Any time someone puts their hands (or any other body part: elbow, knee) on another person IN ANGER, IT IS ABUSE.
> 
> *You are being verbally abused.* The name-calling is ridiculous and juvenile.
> 
> *You are being emotionally abused.* Your husband blaming YOU for HIS rages, for HIS inability to handle stress/disappointment, HIS inability to get what he wants every time he wants it is abuse. He is LYING to you and to himself. HE can't control his own body. HE can't control his own mouth. HE can't control his own temper. But HE is supposed to 'control' you!?! THIS is HIS responsibility...he is not a puppet. You do not pull his strings.
> 
> His brand of 'Christianity' is VERY CONVENIENT...for him! He gets to do whatever he wants, treat you any way he wants, order you to be 'submissive'...and all without you getting to say "boo." Apparently he FORGOT to read the part of the Bible that commands a husband TO LOVE HIS WIFE as Christ loves the church. Yeah, that part kind of gets in the way of his temper tantrums...he's not gonna like THAT part of the Bible.
> 
> You seem confused about the role of a wife in a 'Christian' marriage. You need to be un-confused. I would recommend you take your original posting here (and any responses you think are pertinent), print them out, and take them with you to talk to AT LEAST 3 Christian leaders. Do NOT take it to the leader of your/your husband's church (maybe he gets these crazy ideas of choking you into submission from him, but I doubt it). Go to at least THREE different churches of three different denominations. Ask to speak to the minister/pastor/priest at the church. *Show him the posts. Tell him you are a 'new' Christian and confused about Christ's teachings on husbands/wives/marriage.*
> 
> You WILL have your eyes opened. The fact that these churches are NOT the denomination of Christianity that you/your husband belongs to currently is immaterial. Christian churches believe in Christ as God's son. Christian churches believe in the Bible as the unerring word of God. Different denominations DO have differences between them, but they ALL believe in the 2 facts I just pointed out...and aren't those THE MOST IMPORTANT facts to being a Christian?
> 
> You KNOW you should leave. You KNOW you are being abused. You KNOW it is dangerous. BUT, *you are afraid that if you leave him you will go to hell, or be an adulteress. When you talk to the Christian leaders, ask them THEIR opinion on hell/divorce/adultery/spousal abuse.*
> 
> You rushed into marriage, and regret it. I am NOT suggesting you rush into divorce. I am suggesting that you start EDUCATING yourself on what is/isn't correct Christian behavior, what is/isn't abuse, what is/isn't acceptable LEGAL behavior. Your husband can be arrested for the choking and smothering incidents alone.
> 
> *I know you love your husband. But your husband's behavior is TOXIC to your health and well-being.* If he doesn't change, he could seriously injure or kill you (even if he didn't MEAN to.) What chance would a baby or small child have against his temper. Don't believe for ONE MINUTE he wouldn't hurt them because he 'loves' them. He 'loves' you, too, and he's hurt you repeatedly. DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN UNTIL HIS ANGER PROBLEMS ARE RESOLVED.
> 
> Keep in touch on this site. We care!


^^^ All of this times 1000! That man is ABUSING you and that is in NO WAY Christian behavior.


----------



## Traggy

Go to church with him. Go talk to the pastor. Tell the pastor what he is doing to you. See what he has to say about it. 

Do this. If he doesn't want to, go talk to the pastor yourself.

Oh, if the pastor says that this is ok, gtfo of the church, because they will be breaking out the snakes and kool-aid very soon.

A christian man is suppose to lead, not dominate. A christian man is to show love, unconditionally, not fear and hate. A christian man should honor and cherish you, not put his hand over your mouth and choke you.

You are lucky I don't know this guy. This is unacceptable behavior.


----------



## solitudeseeker

This is insanity. He chokes you until you almost cannot breathe?! There is no excuse for this. He is abusive, in every respect. Get away from this man. Better to be divorced than dead.


----------



## Uptown

Girly, the behavioral traits you describe -- verbal and physical abuse, temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, constant blaming, always being "the victim," black-white thinking, and a cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW suffers from. Only a professional can determine whether those traits are so severe as to satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full blown BPD. 

Yet, for the purposes of deciding whether to remain married to him, you don't need to know whether his traits surpass the diagnostic threshold. Even when those traits fall well short of that threshold, they can make your life miserable and destroy a marriage. 

Moreover, strong BPD traits are easy to identify when occurring in a man you've been living with for over two years. There is nothing subtle or nuanced about behavior such as verbal abuse, temper tantrums, and constant blaming. Indeed, you've already spotted such traits.


Girlygirl1234 said:


> I just know he has good in him, but his temper is awful.


As a group, BPDers (i.e., those having strong BPD traits) are just as good as any other group of people. Their problem is not a lack of goodness or morals but, rather, a lack of emotional stability. One result of this instability is the black-white thinking you describe. This all-or-nothing thinking will be evident in the way a BPDer frequently uses extreme expressions such as "I ALWAYS..." and "you NEVER...." 

B-W thinking also is evident in the way your H can flip -- in only ten seconds -- from adoring you to hating you. If he is a BPDer, this is occurring because he categorizes everyone (including himself) as "all good" or "all bad" -- and will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other based solely on a minor comment or transgression.

Significantly, this B-W thinking is not the result of simple "immaturity" (as would be true for a young man who needs a few more years to grow up). Instead, it is a sign that the man's emotional development likely froze at about age four. That is, if your H is a BPDer, you are seeing him throw temper tantrums and hissy fits -- behaving like a spoiled four year old -- because his emotional development is stuck at that level. If so, you are in a dangerous situation because it is very risky to live with an angry, unstable child who has the intelligence, cunning, and body strength of a full grown man.


> It runs in his family, because his father is the same way, and still can be, with his wife.


BPD traits are believed to be partly the result of genetics and partly due to the way a child is raised. It therefore tends to be handed down from the parent to the children -- or, as you say, it "runs in his family."

Significantly, you describe both your H and his father as being physically abusive to their wives. This is significant because there is a strong association between such physical abuse and BPD. Roger Melton -- author of _When Mr. Right Turns Out to be Mr. Wrong_ -- reports that a Canadian study shows nearly all wife batterers have a personality disorder and half of them have full blown BPD. Melton obtained those results from a 1993 study by a team of researchers at the Univ. of British Colombia. See Romeo's Bleeding - When Mr. Right Turns Out To Be Mr. Wrong -- Health & Wellness -- Sott.net.


> I look at them, and see the way he acts towards her, and it scares me thinking that could be me someday.


From what you say, it has ALREADY started with you. With the abuse being this bad only two years into your marriage, it likely will only get worse unless your H obtains several years of weekly therapy. Sadly, if he is a BPDer, it is highly unlikely he will be willing to remain in therapy long enough to make a difference.


> My husband says I am not being "submissive" or I am not "obeying" him like the Bible commands me to do.


BPDers typically are VERY persuasive and convincing. The reason is that, because the BPD traits distort his perception of your intentions, a BPDer usually is firmly convinced he is absolutely correct. Yet, because a BPDer does not intellectually challenge his intense feelings, he fully accepts those feelings -- just like a young child does -- as accurately reflecting reality. This is why a BPDer, when he gets angry, will say such ridiculous things that you will simply marvel that any adult can keep a straight face while saying such nonsense.


> I don't feel I should have to think about everything I say, before I say it, in fear of getting yelled at.


What you are describing is called "walking on eggshells," which is what all spouses of BPDers must do to prevent them from walking out. This is why the #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to the spouses) is called _Stop Walking on Eggshells._


> I also am afraid to hurt him.


If he is a BPDer, you are ALREADY hurting him. It is a mistake to think of your toxic marriage as something HE is doing to you. Rather, the toxicity is something you BOTH are doing to each other. It is hurting both of you. It is easy to see his contribution to the toxicity. Your contribution is harder to see.

If he is a BPDer, he never had the opportunity to grow up in childhood. It therefore is important that he have a chance to do so now. Yet, if you prevent him from suffering the logical consequences of his own childish behavior, he will never have an incentive to confront his issues and learn how to manage them. Hence, if you continue "walking on eggshells" and being his "soothing object," you will destroy his only opportunity to learn how to do self soothing -- a skill the rest of us learned in childhood.


> I am just a little lost on what to do.


If this discussion rings a bell, Girly, I suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- on your own for a visit or two -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. I do not know whether your H has most of the BPD traits at a strong level. I nonetheless am confident that you will be able to recognize any and all red flags that are present if you take a little time to learn what to look for.

I therefore suggest you read more about the nine BPD traits. An easy place to start is my description, in Maybe's thread, of what it is like to live with a high functioning BPDer. That post is at My list of hell!. If that discussion of traits sounds familiar, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to excellent online resources. Take care,Girly.


----------



## Goldmember357

Girlygirl1234 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I have never used one of these before, so please bear with me. I am just looking for a little advice from people who know nothing about me.
> 
> I have been married to my husband for 2 1/2 years. I am only 21, and I married way to young. When we met, we had spent a week together, and fell in love. My husband was in the Marine Corps, and got sent overseas not long after. While he was overseas, we ended up getting married, and then spend the rest of the year apart.
> 
> Anyways, to get down to the point, my husband and I are both Christians. He was raised a Christian though, and I was not, so sometimes I struggle with it. My husband has an AWFUL temper, he gets very angry at little things. There have been plenty of times that we have gotten into an argument because my husband says I am not being "submissive" or I am not "obeying" him like the Bible commands me to do. He will yell at me, and sometimes I end up yelling back, which turns into him calling me a bitc*, *****, ****, a waste of human life, a piece of trash, him telling me he hates me, he wished he never met me, and so on. There have also been a few times where he has said things like that, and I may tell him to shut up, or leave me alone, and than he usually will choke me or something. Sometimes when I am crying really loud, or he wants me to shut up, he puts it hand over my mouth and nose so I can barely breath, and yells at me till I stop crying.
> 
> Anyways, I have tried to talk to him about it, but every time I do, he says I should not have provoked him, and that it is not abuse because he does not come home and beat me, he doesnt punch me, he doesnt get mad at me for not having dinner ready and than punch me in the face. He tells me that he is just taking control because he is "the head of the household" and he deserves "respect".
> 
> I am just a little lost on what to do. I love my husband with all my heart, but I do not like him at all right now. I want to leave him, but he doesn't want a divorce because the Bible only allows divorce for adultery being committed, otherwise, you are committing adultery with anybody else you are with afterwards. I also am afraid to hurt him. I know he loves me, and I know how much it would tear him apart to lose me. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to spend the rest of my life miserable or wishing I had done something different, but I don't want to hurt him either!


Divorce him he is physically and mentally abusing you and playing with your emotions. CHOKING YOU? that is NOT OKAY

You say you love him? trust me you can find someone else you can love with all your heart more than you ever thought who would not treat you like nothing and so low as to be insensitive towards your crying and abuse you.


God will forgive you for your divorcing its much better for your mental health to find a different man and someone who is a real christian not an abusive person. He is not being a good christian by treating his wife in such a manner. I fear that you however will stay and continue to be abused and try to justify him doing such things. As it stands it seems like you have not had "enough" you still seem almost not willing to leave and i wish you would for your own benefits. It will only get worse he does not even want to talk about it?

There is than no getting through to this man. Its not like he just snapped 1 day and hit you 1 time or choked you one time. He controls you and verbally abuses you and chokes you and treats you like crap often. He knows what he is doing and its not a good thing at all. 


soconfused1984 said:


> been there!!! ok I am so sorry you're going through this,and I can totally relate to your situation! my husband and I are Christians too, he has a very bad temper also and every little thing, is the end of the world for him. The book "the power of a wife's prayer" is really really helpfull, but you do have to take consideration that is takes alot, alot of comitment, praying, patience, etc.etc. if you're not willing to do this, then its not worth it. For me it worked because my husband changed completely!! but, my problem is that I did too late! now that he has changed, i no longer love him!!! I do feel very guilty and very confused at times and feel ashamed with God every day, but that is just the way i feel. So my advice is that you talk to him when he's calm, absolutely refuse to talk to him when he's angry like that, if you need to walk away, please do so! another, buy the book and read it, pray in the morning, lunch, dinner, night, and everytime he gets upset, pray for his understanding, for God to show him how he is hurting you. The book actually has very good prayer you can follow, and everytime my husband would get angry, I would lock myself in the bathroom and instead of crying and feeling pitty, i prayed!!! next thing yoy know, he was knocking on the door wanting to talk about it quietly and calmly =) don't do like me that I waited too long to take action and be very, very honest to him, unless you see you're in danger with him! or if you're scared confronting him, try talking on the phone about things, that worked for me also, i used to go to the park and call him, he then was able to talk calmly and i wasn't too scared to talk in front of him...I really hope you get better advice, maybe try counseling (i didn't and I regret it) and if all else fails, be true to yourself and your feelings. =) good luck and hope you find a solution!!! and if you feel you're in danger pleaseeeeee walk out!!


I'm a christian and there is no excuse for abuse highly unlikely someone changes. Its just best you leave and find someone who can treat you better.


----------



## EleGirl

It seems that your husband is ignoring what the Bible says a husband's obligation are: 

Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,


Your husband is not giving himself up to you. He is not putting you before himself. 

Further, he's going to kill you one of these days. No I'm not being dramatic. He's coaking you until you have a problem breathing. One of these days he's going to go just a little bit too far.

You really do need to leave him now for your own safety. There is nothing in the Bible and/or Christianity that says you have to jump to his every command, that you have to submit to abuse. Your husband might think he was raised Christian but he apparently does not know squat about what being Christian means.


Here is something for you to read on the topic of spousal abuse and Christianity. 

What does the Bible teach about SPOUSAL ABUSE?


----------



## Going Mental

Girly,there is a fabulous book simply called "Divorce" written by a Christian Pastor. I think the author is either Dutch or South African. It explains many things but the one that stood out for me is how words such as the "obey" part of the marriage vows have been taken out of the context of the bible. Physical abuse comes under the "thou shalt not commit murder" commandment.
I must admit I haven't read your post or thread in full but abuse and God are an oxymoron that never go together.


----------



## hurtnohio

I am a devout Christian as well. And I am getting ready to leave my wife due to emotional snd verbal abuse. You're experiencing all that plus physical!

Divorce was never part of God's original plan. But neither was abuse! We live in a fallen world and if a marriage becomes dangerous, God does not want you to stay. 

Submission in a Biblical sense is something a wife does out of love for her hubby. Its not something he can demand of you. If he's hurting you and demanding that you submit, he has broken faith with God and you. Get out soon if he refuses to change.

Warning....there are a lot of pastors and other Christians who have a distorted view of this. Pray and trust your instincts. But some pastors will tell you its your duty to stay. It is not. The behavior you describe is dangerous, abusive, and sinful. He must either agree to commit to getting help for his anger immediately, or you must leave.
R
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ScubaSteve61

Girlygirl1234 said:


> No, we do not have any children. It is just him and I. I am just afraid if I leave him, he will do something stupid to himself. And divorce seems so complicated and expensive. I just know he has good in him, but his temper is awful. It runs in his family, because his father is the same way, and still can be, with his wife. I look at them, and see the way he acts towards her, and it scares me thinking that could be me someday. I don't feel I should have to think about everything I say, before I say it, in fear of getting yelled at.


Have a book sent to him anonymously. Gary Chapman's "Anger: Handling A Powerful Emotion In A Positive Way."

Oh, and him screaming at you because you aren't "obeying"? That's garbage. Biblically a husband should lead, true, but trying to make a wife heel like a dog is NOT what God meant.


----------



## Going Mental

> Oh, and him screaming at you because you aren't "obeying"? That's garbage. Biblically a husband should lead, true, but trying to make a wife heel like a dog is NOT what God meant.


:iagree:


----------



## SabrinaBlue

Girlygirl, I'm going to lay out a scenario for you, based on my own childhood as the daughter of a man like your husband. Here's what your future kids have to look forward to:

1.) Getting beaten. Not spanked - _beaten_. Their dad will justify this with the "spare the rod" line. He doesn't believe in beating his wife, but kids? Kids need "discipline" and "respect."

2.) Being verbally abused. They will be told that they are garbage, worthless, that they shame him, and no one will ever love them. They will grow up with the self-esteem of an earthworm, which will lead to lifelong relationship and performance issues if not addressed.

3.) Suffering emotional abuse. Why not? Your husband already does it to you, and your kids will be worth even less to him than you are. And he will claim that your kids are abusing _him_ by not being respectful and perfectly behaved.

4.) Little to no family gatherings. Your family is likely to withdraw from him over time, leaving just your core family unit. Your extremely unhealthy core family unit. Your kids will grow up without the closeness with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins that people in healthy relationships have. They will feel very disconnected, and - when they grow up - disappointed.

In short, you will raise kids with damaged senses of self who will in turn find themselves in harmful relationships. Is what you want? Is this the life you want for any kids you'll have together? Because if you won't get out now for your own sake, then you're condemning your kids too.


----------



## Girlygirl1234

Thank you all for your responses..

There are a few things I want to add in here, to address what some people have suggested.

A week or so ago, my husband and I did go talk to our Preacher and his wife. I told them that it has gotten physical, and my husband told them that he was mad the most recent time because I was out late and I came home and I had drank. That being sad, we both attend Church of Christ, which many are against drinking. I feel like they kind of overlooked the fact that I said things get physical, and they said we were both in the wrong, but divorce should not be an option.

Secondly, what makes this so difficult is that I know he has had a rough past. I know he gets his temper from his father, and he seems to have a "lack of respect" for women, because when he was 6, his mother left him and his Dad after she cheated on them, and never talked to Chris again. She even denied ever having him. So, I feel like I am just abandoning him if I leave him. I mean, I know that I don't deserve to be choked and screamed at because I said something the wrong way, but I don't know how to get over the fear of the pain I am going to cause him, and the pain I will feel myself afterwards.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

> A week or so ago, my husband and I did go talk to our Preacher and his wife...I feel like they kind of overlooked the fact that I said things get physical, and they said we were both in the wrong, but divorce should not be an option.


I'm sorry for your situation, but THIS (right here, what I just quoted above) is EXACTLY the reason I suggested you 

(a) go by yourself and 
(b) do NOT go to your own home church. 

You are getting just ONE-SIDE, one view-point, one man's interpretation of Christianity...THIS preacher's interpretation of Christian marriage. Especially if this was Chris' church before you came into his life, you can expect that they're not exactly going to be in YOUR corner. 

BEFORE you worry about divorce, or abandoning Chris, or a lifetime of whatever....

*PLEASE* do as I suggested. Get multiple viewpoints on Christian marriage, role of husband/wife, divorce, spousal abuse, remarriage/adultery, etc. 

You have gotten the Church of Christ viewpoint (or at least THIS preacher's interpretation of it). *PLEASE* get some others so YOU will understand the overall Christian viewpoint on these subjects.

They are the experts and you are not. *GET EDUCATED*. ONLY THEN, can YOU make informed, meaningful, heart-felt, well-thought-out decisions regarding YOUR future, Chris' future, and the future of any unborn children.

Make finding out this information a PRIORITY for yourself. Do it this week (all in one day, at lunchtime for several days, whatever it takes.)

EDUCATION is the ONLY first step you can take toward achieving peace in your heart over subsequent decisions.

Good luck, God bless, and let us know how it's going.


----------



## EleGirl

Girlygirl1234 said:


> Thank you all for your responses..
> 
> There are a few things I want to add in here, to address what some people have suggested.
> 
> A week or so ago, my husband and I did go talk to our Preacher and his wife. I told them that it has gotten physical, and my husband told them that he was mad the most recent time because I was out late and I came home and I had drank. That being sad, we both attend Church of Christ, which many are against drinking. I feel like they kind of overlooked the fact that I said things get physical, and they said we were both in the wrong, but divorce should not be an option.
> 
> Secondly, what makes this so difficult is that I know he has had a rough past. I know he gets his temper from his father, and he seems to have a "lack of respect" for women, because when he was 6, his mother left him and his Dad after she cheated on them, and never talked to Chris again. She even denied ever having him. So, I feel like I am just abandoning him if I leave him. I mean, I know that I don't deserve to be choked and screamed at because I said something the wrong way, but I don't know how to get over the fear of the pain I am going to cause him, and the pain I will feel myself afterwards.


Your choice to drink or not to drink is your choice alone. If your husband objects to it he can either talk to you about it or leave you. He cannot put his hands on you for this or anything else.

He also does not have the right to put his hands on you for you coming in late. You are an adult. You have the right to be out as late as you wish. However, it is inconsiderate to be out late when it hurts your marriage... I don't have enough info on this be judge is you were wrong to be out late.

Basically, you were really not wrong... you are an adult and made a choice to do things that you have a right to choose to do.

Your husband was 100% wrong.

The pastor is wrong... his idea that you have to put up with physical abuse is nonsense and dangerous. There is a place in the bible that says if your husband is not a Christian, let him go. Well your husband is not behaving in a Christian manner and thus you can let him go... divorce him.

It's 'funny' how so many men interpret the Bible in a way that supports their abuse and control of their wife. They forget about all the verses that tell them about their responsibility towards their wife. They forget that all of the commandments apply in marriage as well... like you shall not commit murder. Choking you is attempted murder. He's letting you know that he is willing to murder you. And he will one day if he keeps on choking you.

Please seek out a facility for battered women and get into counseling. You are allowing yourself to be battered. It is your responsibility to protect yourself in this situation.

Keep in mind that if your husband choked anyone else... like a co-worker as he does you... he could be convicted with attempted murder and go to prisond for years.


----------



## hurtnohio

Your church leadership may be just as abusive as your husband is if they're telling you to stay and endure abuse. God calls His people to freedom, not bondage. If your church leaders are telling you yo.stay and.emdure the unenurable, leave your church as well as your husband.

I'm serious. I despise divorce, too. But here are times when it is the lesser of two evils.

Do not stay one more minute if he refuses to get help for.his anger issues. Even if he does, keep a bag packed just in case. Your very life depends on it. I'm dead serious about that. YOUR LIFE IS AT STAKE!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## luckycardinal

GirlyGirl - I am a Christ-follower, too (I won't say Christian because of all the negative connotations it now has due to fake "churchianity"). I am going to tell you you are being abused! He is not behaving like a Christ-like husband at ALL, and it's also likely he has mental problems. Please don't have children with him and please find the courage and strength to leave. Pray about it. God doesn't want you to be hurt.


----------



## jenniferswe

This is really dangerous! You might want to talk to your side the family if you haven't already, to help you get away from him. This would be a good time to leave since you don't have any children. Abuse usually only gets worse over time. The man you vowed to God to spend the rest of your life with doesn't exist. It was just a mask to get you to marry him and now the mask is off. Please talk to a trusted friend, relative or some at a women's shelter before it too late.


----------



## unbelievable

His behavior isn't cool with God and it's not cool with The Corps.


----------



## mrsmanhatten

I was formerly associated with a Christian religion ...a very very strict religion.. and even in this particular religion "the elders" allow a seperation from a husband due to physical abuse especially if your life is in danger and this religion does not believe in divorce but in most cases after seperation the relationship survives with couseling or the abusers usually grows impatient and finds themselves the adulterer.

I have to tell you that your husbands perception of the scriptures are so incredibly erroneous!!!! He must love you as affectionately as the house of his father and you are in subjection to your husband and your husband to jesus and jesus to god.....so....you must open your eyes to his logic it would be like this.....Jesus was praying to his father to please remove this cup from him he no longer wanted to die for human kind after all humans have free thinking and he was a perfect human...so God choked him out for all his whining and free thinking??????

This is not love!! It is dangerous abuse..he could choke you too long and cause brain damagenor if he were to shake your future children.

You must also be more assertive at these meetings with the pastor and not talk about one situation when you were acting immoral....bring up the other times and if they still overlook it then you must recognise that flag...they will never stop the abuse and it will continue to happen because he will feel vindicated for his actions and this will continue through the generations if it even last that long. 

And you say its only when he is mad...well being married there are always times when you or your partner are angry. I have never wanted to put my hands on my partner. Please get help and some space!!!!


----------



## Girlygirl1234

Okay, well, here is a little update.

I have been looking at apartments in another states, and actually been applying to some jobs. Today, I told my husband that I wanted a divorce. We talked, we yelled, he threatened to kill himself AND me if I leave him, and than he begged me to stay, picked me up and began kissing me telling me how much he loves me. 

The reason why he says he said he will kill me, is because when we first got married, he told me he would kill me if I ever cheated on him. He says if I divorce him, we are not divorced in God's eyes, therefore when I am with somebody new, I will be cheating, and he will come kill me if I do.


----------



## hurtnohio

Girly....

RUN AWAY! NOW!!!!

I'm serious. His thinking is so disordered as to not even be worth responding to. Don't try to reason with him. Don't try to make him understand where you're coming from. 

RUN. LIKE HELL!!!!!!!!!

If you can, sneak away from home tonight. I understand the gravity of what I'm saying to do, but this is serious stuff.

Once you're safely away, call the cops. Tell them what he said. See if you can get a TRO on him.

Any man who threatens to kill his wife if she says she wants a divorce is not a Christian. He is not a man. He is barely even human.

Now that you've let the cat out of the bag, you are in mortal danger. He may not wait for you to actually file; he may decide he needs to be more "proactive" and kill you before you have a chance to file for divorce.

This is sick. He is abusing you and doing it in God's name. I can 't think of any worse example of taking God's name in vain than this. I'll say it again....by being abusive and threatening to you and telling you he's doing it in God's name, he really is using God's name in vain. There is nothing Christian about this behavior at all.

Get the hell away. Tonight, if possible. This is so twisted, I don't even have the words to describe it.

Please take care of yourself. Be careful. Do you have a friend you can stay with? Is there a battered woman's shelter around? You need all the support you can get right now.

PLEASE....Take my advice seriously. This man is not stable and could do something drastic without warning.


----------



## unbelievable

Aren't you on the road yet? A partner threatening suicide is a really bad sign (because they frequently take others with them). Your's outright told you he planned to take you with him! Run! Run! Run! When a Psycho is nice enough to reveal who they really are, the least you can do is BELIEVE HIM. Lots of dead women wish they had received the warning you were given. Your dude is dangerous.


----------



## Going Mental

Girlygirl, do you have your own family or support network that is unrelated to your husband? Can you get to them? They WILL help you! DO NOT minimise what has been threatened!! 

He has already gotten physical, is misusing the bible to control you and has now threatened death. Without doubt this can only escalate....please please find a safe haven. Being on the road living in a car will probably be safer in the short to medium term. 

God bless you, and trust in him to lead you out of this horrible situation.


----------



## erikagillian

Girlygirl1234, I'm another one, run! This is absolutely the most dangerous point! If he's around, make him believe you're staying, as soon as he's out of the house, RUN! More women are killed by their husband/boyfriends than in accidents and the most dangerous point is leaving! Grab your id, money, computer, phone, if that's all you can do, call or go to the cops, get the number of a shelter from them, the shelter can help you with the rest. Warn your family and any friends of yours he knows about, including your work, he probably won't do anything violent to them, but he'll go looking for you. I'm not sure about this, but you might also call is CO once you're somewhere safe, and tell him why you left and that your husband threatened murder/suicide, it happens pretty often with soldiers these days. Do not tell anyone where the shelter is, of course. God, if you were in northern California I'd come get you! RUN! I know we must sound crazy but girl, we don't want any more women to die like this! Go!


----------



## EleGirl

Girlygirl1234 said:


> Okay, well, here is a little update.
> 
> I have been looking at apartments in another states, and actually been applying to some jobs. Today, I told my husband that I wanted a divorce. We talked, we yelled, he threatened to kill himself AND me if I leave him, and than he begged me to stay, picked me up and began kissing me telling me how much he loves me.
> 
> The reason why he says he said he will kill me, is because when we first got married, he told me he would kill me if I ever cheated on him. He says if I divorce him, we are not divorced in God's eyes, therefore when I am with somebody new, I will be cheating, and he will come kill me if I do.


This almost sounds like you think this kissing and begging are ‘sweet’ and you liked that. Do I read this correctly?
Please let us know that you are alright.

ALWAYS believe a person who tells you that they are going to kill you.

He has been trying to kill you already with the choking. Your husband has serious issues. He is at the very least a violent person.

GET AWAY FROM HIM NOW. HE WILL KILL YOU SOONER OR LATER. Most women who are murdered are murdered by their partner.


----------



## solitudeseeker

Get away from this man now. He is insane. There is no reasoning with him, and you need to stop trying to talk to him. Get out now.

BTW, if he does kill himself, it will NOT be your fault. Do not carry that with you. He is fully responsible for what he says and what he does.

Go like the wind, girlygirl, and don't look back. Looking back will slow you down. Go now.


----------



## hurtnohio

And once you're safe, please update us....We're all VERY worried about you!


----------



## SabrinaBlue

Girlygirl, I hope you're already gone by the time you read this! Your husband is a very dangerous man who should be taken very seriously. No reconciliation, no visits, no saving your marriage - get gone and stay gone. Take care of you!


----------



## Girlygirl1234

I know it sounds crazy, but I haven't left, YET. At the moment I have two jobs, one that the owner knows what has happened due to me coming into work crying and upset. Anyways, he contacted another location a few states away, an they said whenever I am ready, I will have a job waiting for me. I am currently just trying to save up some money so I can afford an apartment, and still trying to comprehend this all.

And in my earlier post, its not that I necessarily "liked " the affection he was giving me.after he made his threats, he just confuses me because he knows how much I care for him and how to make me feel bad. I have the worst guilty conscience an sometimes it bothers me knowing I could be the cause of his misery for the rest of.his life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## soconfused1984

you have the mentality of an abused person, they feel guilty, scared etc. he has controlled you and your mind hasn't accepted that...please don't wait until it's too late! you need to accept you need to get out ASAP...can you stay with a friend? or someone? plan your way out and execute it i'm sure you can do it, specially since you have a job waiting for you =)


----------



## SabrinaBlue

Girlygirl, no one here is exaggerating the threat to your life. You stated that when you told your husband you wanted out, he said he would kill himself and you. Emotionally healthy and mentally balanced people do NOT threaten to kill themselves or others. Nothing ... nothing ... absolutely nothing you could've possibly ever done warrants him doing this. 

Let me tell you, I left a boyfriend who was like your husband. I packed two bags and had friends "rescue" me while he was off teaching a night class. I left everything else behind and flew as far away as I could get.

For days, I trembled and felt sick. The fear and guilt was almost unbearable. He was alone now, and it was my fault for leaving. He'd be forced to explain to people that I left him. I felt horrid for doing this to him. It took months for me to realize that it was hideous, unnecessary, paralyzing guilt that he'd pounded into me. I fought moments of wanting to call or e-mail him, to explain or apologize. I never did. I never will. I did the right thing in leaving. You can too.

P.S. My ex-boyfriend knocked a tooth out of my head when he punched me "in his sleep." I'm pretty sure when he said he'd kill me if I cheated or left - and that he couldn't stand to be alone - he wasn't joking or exaggerating.


----------



## hurtnohio

Look on craigslist for a room for rent in the city you're going to. Lots of good families are renting out spare bedrooms these days for $250 or so....check references, of course. But do whatever it takes to run away soon. We're all serious....you are in mortal danger!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

Girlygirl:

Have you contacted an abused women's shelter? They MAY be able to give you the funding to get you to your new job in your new state or KNOW OF a program that would help you get away since you just need limited short-term funding (as you already have a job there.)

Call them TOMORROW and ask them; the worst they can say is 'no' they have no resources to point you to. If that is the case, you are in no worse position than you are tonight. 

Would your boss be willing to lend you part of the money to be paid back after you move to your new state? Would s/he consider loaning/co-signing a loan for you?

Have you contacted a church (NOT YOUR church...they won't help); they might be able to help you escape the abuse.

Good luck!


----------



## iRachel

Girlygirl, when you are at work or at a safe friends house call the Crisis Line or get the local number from the police or phone book. Talk to them. They will tell you exactly what to do. 

Everyone here is posting excellent things. But you need to take the first step, well you've taken the first step :smthumbup: by admitting there is a problem. That is important. You know that you are in trouble and even tho you think you love him and you want to do the 'right' thing, there is something wrong. And he will not change. We all think we've loved someone who may not be right for us or has been bad to us nad we don't want to hurt them. But it will go away. The most important thing here is YOU. If he kills you people will loose their daughter, cousin, friend, niece, aunt, future mother, ....

Now for the second step: Get help! Call! You don't have to do anything yet, just call and get your options and information. 

You must stay safe, don't let on that there is anything wrong. Women are most often killed by their partners when they leave and when they are pregnant. Call the local Crisis Line. They can keep you safe. Nothing is more valuable than you. A healthy you. 

Any of us would be willing to help you find the number if we knew what city/town you live in. Don't let him find you on this site. Or anything about it in your emails. 

Keep your wallet, money, car keys somewhere close at all times. If you are afraid, listen to it and do what it tells you to do. Use your gut instinct. Don't let excuses keep you in danger (I need more money, I have to work, etc...) Where is your family? Will/can they help you?

Please keep us posted. We are here for you...
~Hugs, Rachel


----------



## Girlygirl1234

I've told my Dad what has happened, but it I almost as if h doesn't think its a big deal. I mean, he said "If there is abuse in the marriage, you don't need to stay" but, I feel like my dad almost sympathizes with him because the reason he an my mom never stayed together was cause he hurt her once physically in a fight.

I plan on calling somewhere, but, I feel embarrassed. Partly due to the fact that I know there are woman out there who are in much worse situations than me, and partly because I don't.think I have accepted what has happened as "abuse". I mean, I know its wrong, but, I feel like since it only happens when he is mad that its just a really bad temper he has. I guess I have been brainwashed.

And, do any of y'all even know if I leave, can I file for divorce.after that? I live in Alabama so, I'm not.sure how I have to do it than.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

> I know there are woman out there who are in much worse situations than me


I LOVE YOU, girlygirl, and I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU.

I am putting this in all caps so you will understand how *adamant* I am about this.

I AM 55 YEARS OLD AND I HAVE NEVER KNOWN A WOMAN WHO WAS CHOKED AND SMOTHERED BY HER HUSBAND!!!!! *The only women worse off than you are the DEAD ones!!!!*

1. Get OUT.

2. When you land somewhere new (like at your new job) and get a new place GO TO THE POLICE AND GET A RESTRAINING ORDER against your husband. Explain to them what has happened.

3. Hire an attorney in your new location and FILE FOR DIVORCE. If you cannot afford an attorney, call LEGAL AID (they are listed in the Yellow Pages). They offer 'free' or 'low cost' legal advice for your new state.

4. Insist that your father and employees at your old job location ABSOLUTELY do NOT reveal your new location to your husband. He has threatened to kill you.

5. Contact a women's abuse hotline/office in your new location. they WILL help you with counseling, legal advice, advice on how to be safer/protect yourself from your husband finding you.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

1.) Have you told your father that your H has threatened to KILL you?

2.) He 'only' abuses you when he's mad. Are you seriously thinking of staying around until he abuses you ALL the TIME? Of course not, get out NOW while you STILL CAN.


----------



## erikagillian

First off, GET OUT! Go where the new job is and talk to the cops or a crisis line there, the cops can give you the number of a shelter. The shelter can help you with finding places to stay and the rest of it. You are *so* lucky to already have another job waiting! And no kids! But you have to *GO* if you want to *LIVE*.

The reason I'm not mentioning family or friends or anything like that is he knows about them and probably where they live. He *will* come looking for you. In order to beg for you to come back at first, and then to kill you if you won't. Advice from family is not looking good, but maybe friends will be supportive, but right now you can ask this group of people anything you want and if we're anywhere near where you are, I bet you will even get physical help, hell I got a bed you can borrow for a few nights.

Do you have a smart phone? Can you read books on it? There's a book you need, it's called Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker, it's about how to trust your fear instinct, to not let the be nice, the be polite, the always love, etc get in the way of the instinct that says this person is scaring me, let's run. He also describes the things to look for in the run up to violence. He and his company have worked for all branches of the government including the Secret Service, the Supreme Court, etc, and lots and lots of celebrities as protection and helping with how to deal with stalkers and other forms of threat. De Becker's mother was violent when he was a child so he has those instincts from way back.

BUT HERE'S THE THING ABOUT RESTRAINING ORDERS!! In order to know how to avoid you, they have to tell him where you are, where you live, where you work. Restraining orders can get women killed. Have gotten women killed. I was looking up women killed by husbands on Google news to show you how serious it was and ran into two on the first page of them. "Woman murdered after receiving restraining order" came up twice. 

So *please*??? Be careful! Get out soon! Don't feel guilty! Think of it this way, he's sick, but you are not his cure, maybe the service can help him, and you can call his CO (from a phone booth!) somewhere from the road and warn him, but you right now are a trigger for his sickness and you need to get away from him.


----------



## iRachel

Girlygirl, 

The Crisis Line, or whatever they call it in your neck of the woods, can answer all your questions. Feeling embarrassed is normal. But we all know you are brave and strong. I know you are scared. I know you prolly feel like you are letting yourself and family down. But You are the important thing here. The book Erikagillian mentioned is awesome and easy to read.

Yes, restraining orders can get you killed. The problem is he can walk right up to you and do anything he wants before the cops can get there, and even tho the cops are sympathetic, they can't do anything unless they are there. 

Sit back, relax a minute, take a deep breath. Write down your questions and call the crisis line. Just to get answers to your questions. There is a lot of good advicehere but you are being bombarded with info. You need a plan. eWe are your support. 

Lots of men (incl your dad) and even lots of women will tell you to just buck up and take it. Don't listen to them. They are in denial about how bad this problem is. Women are still second class citizens in this world. Don't be embarrassed because your situation may be less "worse" than others. There are women here who have gone through it saying, "RUN" for a reason. It can get bad in a heart beat. Many many women live in this situation for many many years. By then they are so torn and beat down and full of self loathing and insecurity it will take years to recover, if ever. The sooner you get out, the sooner you can heal and find a happy healthy life. Also remember, you don't need a man to be happy. Find out who you are and who you want to be, then find someone you can be happy with. 

Call, Call, Call Girlygirl! You can do it! :smthumbup: What bad can come of it? No one is going to make you do anything. We are here for you. 

~Rachel


----------



## LoveMouse

Girlygirl1234 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I have never used one of these before, so please bear with me. I am just looking for a little advice from people who know nothing about me.
> 
> I have been married to my husband for 2 1/2 years. I am only 21, and I married way to young. When we met, we had spent a week together, and fell in love. My husband was in the Marine Corps, and got sent overseas not long after. While he was overseas, we ended up getting married, and then spend the rest of the year apart.
> 
> Anyways, to get down to the point, my husband and I are both Christians. He was raised a Christian though, and I was not, so sometimes I struggle with it. My husband has an AWFUL temper, he gets very angry at little things. There have been plenty of times that we have gotten into an argument because my husband says I am not being "submissive" or I am not "obeying" him like the Bible commands me to do. He will yell at me, and sometimes I end up yelling back, which turns into him calling me a bitc*, *****, ****, a waste of human life, a piece of trash, him telling me he hates me, he wished he never met me, and so on. There have also been a few times where he has said things like that, and I may tell him to shut up, or leave me alone, and than he usually will choke me or something. Sometimes when I am crying really loud, or he wants me to shut up, he puts it hand over my mouth and nose so I can barely breath, and yells at me till I stop crying.
> 
> Anyways, I have tried to talk to him about it, but every time I do, he says I should not have provoked him, and that it is not abuse because he does not come home and beat me, he doesnt punch me, he doesnt get mad at me for not having dinner ready and than punch me in the face. He tells me that he is just taking control because he is "the head of the household" and he deserves "respect".
> 
> I am just a little lost on what to do. I love my husband with all my heart, but I do not like him at all right now. I want to leave him, but he doesn't want a divorce because the Bible only allows divorce for adultery being committed, otherwise, you are committing adultery with anybody else you are with afterwards. I also am afraid to hurt him. I know he loves me, and I know how much it would tear him apart to lose me. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to spend the rest of my life miserable or wishing I had done something different, but I don't want to hurt him either!


The christian thing to do is get 2 rolls of duct tape, a shovel, some crazy glue, baseball bat, and a womans wig. Oppps, I thought you needed a laugh, that's the best I got.
Go see the pastor @ ur church, see what he has to say. Seek MC, a christian one and tell him what the bible says about Jesus and the church, "husbands, love ur wives as Christ loves the church."
Mouse


----------



## hurtnohio

No offense mouse, but her pastor is enabling the abuse.

Girlygirl, your rationalizing is exactly what every abused woman out there thinks. I work with a girl who left het abusive husband (she's a Christian and he was actually a pastor for a while!). She told me she'd rationlize that it was OK for.him to hit her as long as he didnt do it in front of the kids.

Please run away soon! U R in danger!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Girlygirl1234

Is it normal for people like this to switch back and forth all the time? I mean, for instance, yesterday he got so mad and threw his keys in the grass after Church, and got mad at me because I wasn't helping him look for them. He then yelled and told me how I am ruining his life and asked me why I am so disrespectful (I find it hard to respect somebody who has treated me this way), and than about a half hour later apologized, telling me he was sorry for acting that way and getting so angry, than so depressingly told me that if I wanted to leave, I can go, and he won't stop me, and he wont kill me. He said that he has already accepted the fact that I am going to leave, and that it isnt fair to keep him hanging on. And, while I agree with him, it isn't fair for me to keep tricking him, I don't have it in my heart to look him in the face and tell him that I am leaving, while he is crying and is heart broken. I guess it makes me selfish, but I would rather just leave, and write him a letter explaining why. I mean, he just told me the other day that I am not allowed to be friends with one of my close friends anymore because, apparently when I am around her I am disrespectful to him and she is a bad influence.. Gosh, this is so hard, I HATE hurting people, and when I try to think about him with somebody else, for some reason it REALLY bothers me. What is WRONG with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Hope1964

What's wrong with you? You are being abused. You aren't thinking straight. He knows what he does gets to you - that's why he does it. The real him comes out when he abuses you. The fake him knows if you leave he has no one to abuse so he snivels and cries because he knows that will get you to stay.

I have kids your age and my heart hurts so much reading what you are going through. I want to pluck you out of your situation and just hold you. At the same time my husband takes cast iron brass knuckles to your husbands ****.


----------



## erikagillian

It's not just common it is part of how it works! By being sweet and sad and something you think you can fix part of the time, and then controlling and scary part of the time, they keep you there. By separating you from your family and friends, and eventually he will stop you from working, they keep you from getting any perspective on what's happening in your life, and keep you from any help in getting out.

There is *NOTHING* wrong with *YOU*! He learned this craziness at his daddy's knee, literally, this is what his dad did to his mother. They can be incredibly fun and charming before you get into a committed relationship, or into a place where there's pressure and they need to let loose. But the manipulation is not your fault! Nor your reaction to it! And it is manipulation! He may not being doing all of it totally consciously, but it is a way to keep you with him, and if you stay, you will be hurt.

To reiterate! It's part of how it works, the back and forth between loving and crazy, between sad and sweet and authoritarian violence. Makes *you* feel crazy, right? There's also something called gaslighting, don't know if he's doing it yet, but they start questioning your view of reality, claiming something you both know happened one way, didn't. Do that enough and you will be crazy.

You're still in love with who he was before you got to know what he's really like, and it takes a while for that to go away, so the connection, and the memories, and the jealousy is going to be there. But really, it's about what he was like before, not what he's like now.


----------



## SabrinaBlue

Girlygirl, it's totally normal in your situation. Part of the abuse is convincing you that your abuser (husband) would be helpless and lonely without you. They have moments of charm (let's say he brings you flowers) interspersed with the crazy rages.

Let me repeat: it's _normal_ to feel this way in your situation. You aren't crazy, or weird. He's just done a number on you.

But let me also repeat: you are in danger. He's backpedaling when he says he won't hurt you. He realizes you're afraid now. You're still in danger as long as you stay with him. I can't stress this enough.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

> What is WRONG with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


*NOTHING is wrong with you.*

You have been *brainwashed* by your husband to believe that: 

EVERYTHING he says/wants/does is correct because GOD ordained it so (just because your husband is a male.)

EVERYTHING you say/want/do that DOESN'T AGREE with what he wants (even if he wanted it LAST WEEK) is WRONG...and you must be CORRECTED because GOD ordained it so (just because you are a female.) 

Because you were unfamiliar with the Christian religion, you have believed your husband's view of Christian marriage (just because he was raised in the Church.)

Your husband has consistently TOLD you, DEMANDED of you, INSISTED that you, TAUGHT you whatever was in his best interest (notice 'God' never tells your husband to sit down, shut up, be respectful, act correctly). He has consistently ARGUED with you, DISAGREED with you, ATTACKED you, CORRECTED you until you came into line (willingly or not) with his way of thinking. He has spent ALL THIS TIME convincing you that YOUR BRAIN doesn't work right. That HIS BRAIN is always right. *Of course you're confused now.* 

Your brain still works as well as ever. You just haven't been allowed to exercise your own thoughts, actions, decisions for a long time. They still work, honey! If your husband was a total d*ck-head ALL THE TIME, it would be EASY to leave him. But, he's nice/sorry/sweet/loving JUST enough to keep you off-balance...he's not always NICE and he's not always a B*STARD. [As someone else pointed out, he's probably not even doing this on purpose. He learned what worked/what didn't by observing his family's home life as a child.]

*If your husband does, indeed, know you're leaving *(and he does...he's admitted it); *he may believe he has NOTHING TO LOSE by beating the living cr*p out of you the next time he loses his temper at your home *(he was outside of church yesterday...he HAD to behave.) *It WON'T BE GOOD*.

*PLEASE LEAVE THIS WEEK!* Run away with your life and your dignity.


----------



## Gaia

I'm not christian but I do have christian/catholic family... and I will say this. No matter what belief system/religion you follow there are those who will twist the meaning of the morals/guidelines that each belief/religion has. I would suggest seeing a therapist/counselor that uses their head in such a matter... not one who will condone violence and justify it... It could be a christian one or it could be a non christian one... whichever it is you need to make sure they are fair and have a good head on their shoulders. Oh and my opinion on the priest/pastor whatever... condoning the abuse... "SHAME ON HIM" People like him focus more on the OBEY and use it as a reason to treat the wife as nothing more then a mere dog/slave. They completely forget the love and honor.. out of that.


----------



## Going Mental

Girlygirl, if you want to write a letter & leave when he is not there, go for it. Make a copy of it, so you have in writing why you left him in case anything happens.
He is bringing in the next classic step of an abuser - trying to isolate you from your friends (and eventually family). This goes hand in hand with the emotional rollercoaster he is taking you on.

I had a neighbour once who a. was not allowed to work and b. see friends or family. They weren't in that unit long before he king hit her and broke her nose. Cops were called. They moved out not long after. I often wonder if she is still alive.....

G.O. P.L.E.A.SE.


----------



## Girlygirl1234

I do appreciate all of your support. I am trying to be strong, but I also have to try to find a second job before I go, because we had leased me a new car, an I am.afraid I won't make enough at the job I do have to make it. I ash there was something he would do to change, but he wouldn't even agree go counseling ... I'm just afraid I will try to call or apologize after I leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

1.) A car is NOT worth your life, your health, or your dignity. Wherever you are moving to, you will FIND a 2nd job (they're easier to find once you're in the NEW town anyway.)

2.) Worst case, you lose the car and have to walk or take public transportation to work until you can get another vehicle.

3.) A crisis center in your new town can help you locate a job (and maybe tide you over with some emergency funds until you get one.) They will also help you UNDERSTAND that there is NO CONTACT with him once you're in your new town. Once you're out from under his thumb (and his smothering/choking hands) for a few weeks, *YOU yourself will see *the value/importance of NO CONTACT. *You will start to feel like *the 'old' you...the one BEFORE he emotionally beat you down into believing EVERYTHING he said.

Every day, every week you stay...you are INCREASING the chance of serious injury or death. There just ARE no good reasons to stay. Be strong, say a prayer to God, and GET OUT.


----------



## Girlygirl1234

One more thing... We can have periods of like a month or so where we don't get into bad arguments, or he doesn't say anything really mean or get physical.. so, does that still make it abuse? I mean, for instance, it isn't every argument that we get into that it gets that way, sometimes he will get really mad and not call me names and not get physical with me.


----------



## EleGirl

Girlygirl1234 said:


> One more thing... We can have periods of like a month or so where we don't get into bad arguments, or he doesn't say anything really mean or get physical.. so, does that still make it abuse? I mean, for instance, it isn't every argument that we get into that it gets that way, sometimes he will get really mad and not call me names and not get physical with me.


Yes it's still abuse if there are breaks in it. It's normal for a abusive person to not be abusive every day or everyweek. There are good times. The good times are part of the abuse cycle.

If he was abusive every day you would probably find it easy to leave very quickly... so an abuser has a cycle.. the are good for a while, then when they feel their victim is getting stronger and feeling safe.. they start the abuse again. Once they feel that they have their victim back under control they start acting 'good' again.


Asking if it's abuse because there are times when he's good is like asking if it's really assault an battery because the local neighborhood mugger only mugs only ladies once a month.

Or is it really rape if a rapist only rapes once every few weeks... after all he does not do it all the time.


----------



## EleGirl

Go to a facility for abused wives and see if they have a place you can stay. Many of them have free housing available that you can stay at while you look for a new or second job. In the mean time you can use the money from your current job to pay for your auto lease.

Go talk to people in your town who can help you.


----------



## anotherguy

take your first post.

print it out.

Show it to someone you know and trust. Someone older. A mentor, older sibling, parent. Get their thoughts. Read EleGirls post(s).

Use your head. If you feel like it is a secret or something to be shamed by or fearful of and careful with, then that should tell you something. Are you afraid? Why do you think that is so?

Your husband is an infant in a mans body. A controlling, insecure sniveling coward who commands no respect from anyone - so attempts to extract it from you by force. He builds himself up by tearing you down.

Get help. Now. It is not normal. The more light you shine on this situation, the better off you will be.


----------



## anotherguy

"...I am just afraid if I leave him, he will do something stupid to himself. And divorce seems so complicated and expensive. I just know he has good in him, but his temper is awful. It runs in his family, because his father is the same way, and still can be, with his wife. I look at them, and see the way he acts towards her, and it scares me thinking that could be me someday..."

dont you see? 'someday' is already here.

'doing something stupid to himself' - again - that is the spoiled childs way of controlling you. The equivelant of a 5 year old holding their breath until they turn blue.

You need to remove yourself from this situation. 'expensive and complicated'? My guess is, you cannot afford t do otherwise. What is your life worth to you?


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

> We can have periods of like a month or so where we don't get into bad arguments, or he doesn't say anything really mean or get physical.. so, does that still make it abuse?


I will say it again. 

*Choking, hitting, slapping, punching, kicking, smothering, elbowing, spitting...these are ALL physical abuse. Any time someone puts their hands (or any other body part: elbow, knee) on another person IN ANGER, IT IS ABUSE.*

Once, once in a while, once a week, once a month, once in your life....it makes NO difference. It is abuse. Every single time it happens.


----------



## Girlygirl1234

Okay, could somebody please help me answer this. Sometimes when we argue and I tell him he is abusive, he retaliates back with "How come woman can do whatever the hell they want, an when a male tries to control her or shut her up, they yell.abuse" an he says "I am not a doormat an I won't be treated like one, if you don't respect me I will make you".. he also told.me a little while back that sometimes the reason he gets physical is because he knows it makes me afraid of him, and at least when I'm afraid that is a form of respect ..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Gaia

Girlygirl1234 said:


> Okay, could somebody please help me answer this. Sometimes when we argue and I tell him he is abusive, he retaliates back with "How come woman can do whatever the hell they want, an when a male tries to control her or shut her up, they yell.abuse" an he says "I am not a doormat an I won't be treated like one, if you don't respect me I will make you".. he also told.me a little while back that sometimes the reason he gets physical is because he knows it makes me afraid of him, and at least when I'm afraid that is a form of respect ..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


First off women don't do whatever the hell they want.. secondly he is using that line as an excuse to treat you like crap. It is perfectly in your right to be treated with EQUAL respect... and you do NOT have to respect and/or OBEY him if you do not wish too. He's full of ****ing crap and he's nothing more then a ****ing control freak. Being feared is not a form of respect... but if he thinks it is.. well what the hell ever.. you should tell him to shove his delusions about respect up his effing ahole. I was with a man that thought the same way once... but unlike you my father taught me that no woman should ever be treated like dirt and if a man thinks he has the right to do so... CLOCK HIM. Of course... I did just that with the said abusive man i was with... the moment he put his hands on me. He only did it once... then never again afterwards.


----------



## Gaia

Of course you don't HAVE to nor do you need to get physical with your man but you should be assertive right back and tell him if he can't respect you as a human being then clearly there is no relationship there. Stop letting him use his so called religious upbringing against you.


----------



## rfAlaska

It is true that SOME men may try to garner respect through fear and intimidation. I can see a POSSIBLE argument for this in a father/child relationship. 

You are NOT his child, you are his wife and he needs to earn your respect, not beat you into submission. Frankly, striking you once is one too many times.

Listen to these folks and get out of there. Give yourself an opportunity to find a man who will love you like Christ loved the church, not beat you. Please quit second-guessing yourself and leave before you get hurt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## solitudeseeker

Girlygirl, you need to stop questioning and wondering and trying to figure him out. This is paralyzing you. You need to quit the Q&A and get moving.

Your husband is nuts - NUTS - plain and simple. You cannot reason with him, you cannot explain anything to him, and he deserves no consideration from you.

Stop dinking around and get yourself out. Now.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

First off, GirlyGirl, *do NOT argue back with him*. He is dangerous and it will ONLY make him angrier. The angrier he gets, the more serious your situation.

Just for YOUR OWN information (NOT to be shared with your husband, NOT to be used to refute his arguements, but just PURELY so YOU WILL SEE HOW ILLOGICAL his thinking is), I will refute his points (I won't call them 'arguments' because they're stupid. They're illogical and childish.)



> he retaliates back with "How come woman can do whatever the hell they want


 Where in the world would Chris ever MEET these women who 'do whatever the hell they want'? Certainly not at HIS house. You're not allowed to disagree with ANYTHING he says or thinks. You're not allowed to question any of his religious beliefs! Just recently he told you that you were no longer 'allowed' to hang out with one of YOUR friends because he didn't like it. Certainly not at his dad's house! Your step-MIL isn't allowed to go to the bathroom without permission from Chris' dad. So he's making up generalizations because he's full of sh!t. To him, a woman who 'does whatever the hell she wants' is as much a mythical creature as a mermaid or the Easter Bunny.


> an when a male tries to control her or shut her up, they yell.abuse


 Chris is too ignorant to know that the only person you can EVER 'control' is yourself! You don't 'control' other PEOPLE, you control animals (dogs on a leash, lions in a cage, horses on a rein.) If you try to 'shut her up' by putting your hands on her neck or over her face, you ARE committing abuse. Maybe CHRIS doesn't see anything wrong with it, but it's STILL ABUSE. No matter what HE calls it. He doesn't HAVE to BELIEVE it, it is still a fact; a legal fact.


> he says "I am not a doormat an I won't be treated like one


 A doormat is something you wipe your shoes on. If he equates being disagreed with to wiping your shoes on him, he's NUTS (which he is...sad, but true. Chris is unhinged, he has no self-control.)


> if you don't respect me I will make you


You can never MAKE someone respect you. Respect is earned by a deserving person and given freely by the person in question. What Chris is after is FEAR and BLIND OBEDIENCE. These are NOT the same things as RESPECT. Respect is a feeling that someone is WORTHY of your admiration. That is WAY different than being in fear of someone. If you kick a dog, it may fear you. If you are kind to a dog, it may love you. But it will NEVER respect you. A dog is incapable of admiration. But Chris has mistaken 'fear' for 'respect'. He needs a dictionary.


> he also told.me a little while back that sometimes the reason he gets physical is because he knows it makes me afraid of him, and at least when I'm afraid that is a form of respect


 Chris is full of cr*p. He wouldn't know RESPECT if it stood up and saluted him! 

Love, fear, obedience, respect are ALL DIFFERENT THINGS. They are not interchangeable ideas. They are NOT different WORDS for the SAME THING. Only in Chris' warped mind and warped family upbringing have they mixed it ALL up.


----------



## Going Mental

No abuser ever sees himself as an abuser. Or he has a handy excuse for his behaviour. He is using fear to gain power and control over you. There will calm times, even good times, but these will only last long enough to lull you into a false sense of security. Please please prepare yourself for getting away within the next couple of weeks .....be yourself in the meantime so he doesn't suspect anything. 

Otherwise how many times are you going to be visiting the hospital over the next 30-40 years? How many broken bones and black eyes are you going to have to make excuses for? Do you want your family and friends to bury you before your time??? If he is choking you already this early in your marriage, what the hell do you think is going to happen as time goes on?? No, its not going to improve, it will steadily get worse.

anotherguy, she has already tried to talk to others about this, and they have all given her the s*****y advice of staying and "obeying". 

God bless.


----------



## Runs like Dog

You have something called Battered Wife Syndrome, aka Stockholm Syndrome aka Patty Hearst Syndrome. 

When I was working in the Sahel in the 80's I came across communities that practiced chattel slavery. Openly. Sometimes it was/is practiced without any sort of physical force, fences, restraints and such. People born into slavery behaved and thought like slaves. Even when raped, beaten, tortured, their children murdered...One could drive them into town to do some chores and they could be left in the truck alone and they'd always be there when the slaveholder returned. 

Because in their minds they were slaves. That's how the world looked to them. When you see yourself as a slave, a battered wife, property, then your oppressor doesn't have to use much force or intimidation to enslave you. But you're still a slave. You won't run, you won't escape, you may even defend your owner. That's what slaves do. They break your will, crush it out like a cigarette. And once broken, the slave will be a dutiful slave forever or until the slave figures out that the chains keeping them are in their head.


----------



## Girlygirl1234

Well, here is a little update..

Yesterday morning over breakfast, he asked me to just tell him the truth, to tell him if I want to leave, and that he will let me go, he won't try to come after me and he won't try to physically stop me.. so, I told him that I didn't think that we should be together anymore.. He kept asking me when I stopped loving him, why I don't love him anymore.. I tried to tell him over and over again that I do love him, things have changed, and that what he has done IS abuse. He continues to deny that he has ever abused me, simply because he has never tried to kill me, he has only ever hurt me 1 time (that is when I tried to stop him from driving drunk, and after we got into the car, he ended up slamming my face into his knee), so he says that was a one time incident, and he has never beaten me or actually caused me pain, therefore it is not abuse. Anyways, After crying all day, after work last night we were laying in bed talking again. He begged me to stay, and he told me that I need to stop telling him I do love him because it is impossible to love somebody and still want to be with them. So, being stubborn, I told him once more that I DO love him, and he flew out of bed and threw the laundry basket and the fan on the floor, and then he started yelling. He told me he hated me and that I am a cold heartless bitc* who is full of evil for causing him this much pain. Than, after I gave him the silent treatment, he crawled into bed and cried and begged me to stay and told me over and over how he loves me. 

So, this morning, I woke up to him squeezing me tight, begging over and over again for me to love him and for me to stay. He told me at least 100 times that he loves me, he thinks I am the most beautiful girl in the world, that he would die for me, and that he would give anything to keep me. He promised me that if I am respectful and loving to him that he will NEVER lose his temper with me like that again. 

I just don't know what to do. This would be so much easier if he really did hate me, or if he just didn't love me anymore, but he goes back and forth and it is breaking my heart!


----------



## erikagillian

Girlygirl, we don't seem to be getting through to you. So my sister, who showed me this thread in the first place, in the hopes we could save *someone* from this, has an idea. IRachel suggests that anyone still reading and hoping Girlygirl will get out will find something published about how the cycle works like this:

In a battering relationship, the cycle of violence includes three distinct phases.(5) Investigating officers who understand these phases can offer objective insight to victims of the violence. For example, if an officer can advise a victim that the batterer's next step likely will be to apologize and possibly send flowers in order to keep her in the relationship, she may be more inclined to understand that the cycle will repeat itself if no intervention occurs.​
This is from the FBI Law Enforcement Bulletin, July, 1997. It's geared toward law enforcement officers but contains all the stuff we've been telling you, Girlygirl, and more. Because this is for law enforcement it concentrates on physical abuse, but the other sources I just looked at (in about two minutes of googling 'cycle of abuse how it works') include emotional, verbal, spiritual, and such too.

Anyone else want to do this? We thought actual publications would be be most convincing but good web sources will work! I'm still looking for something I read last week so I may have another soon.

Girlygirl, you love an image of him that was never real. He doesn't know how to love because he never learned how. You didn't cause this, you cannot cure it, you have to get out. If you're worried about him, worry about him going to jail when he kills you! RUN! NOW!

And if his name is on your car's lease you can't take it, it's a way he can find you, turn it back in and get as much cash as you can out of it and take a train or bus to the new job! He could possibly report it stolen and get you arrested.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

> He promised me that if I am respectful and loving to him that he will NEVER lose his temper with me like that again.


THOSE may have been his *words*, but his *meaning* was CLEAR...

He promised me that if I am blindly obedient, do exactly what I'm told, stop questioning anything, say 'yes dear' to everything, see only the friends he allows me to see, go only the places he allows me to go, go only at the time he permits me to go, am always happy, cheerful and CONTENT, then he will never hit me, slam my head into his leg, choke me, try to smother me with his hands over my nose and mouth while screaming in my face to "stop crying"...again. It is my duty to insure that NOTHING I ever do (or anyone else ever does) goes contrary to his wishes/hopes/dreams. Oh, and if someone ELSE p*sses him off at work, or in traffic, or at a gathering, or in public, all bets are off because he still needs somewhere to let out his aggression and frustration and I should accept it as a good, dutiful, Christian wife. *And we will CALL this "love."*


By the way, WHY doesn't HE ever have to be "respectful and loving" to YOU??? Doesn't HIS God ever call on him to do this?


----------



## SabrinaBlue

Girlygirl, this comes from the Helpguide.org page on abusive relationships. Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships . I ask that you look down this list and be honest with yourself about your answers to these questions. I put a star by the ones you've already admitted or demonstrated to us here.

*SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP*

*Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings*
Do you:

feel afraid of your partner much of the time? *
avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner? *
feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated? *
wonder if you’re the one who is crazy? *
feel emotionally numb or helpless? 

*Your Partner's Belittling Behavior*
Does your partner:

humiliate or yell at you? *
criticize you and put you down? *
treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments? *
blame you for their own abusive behavior? *
see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

*Your Partner’s Violent or Threats*
Does your partner:

have a bad and unpredictable temper? *
hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you? *
threaten to take your children away or harm them?
threaten to commit suicide if you leave? *
force you to have sex?
destroy your belongings?

*Your Partner's Controlling Behavior*
Does your partner:

act excessively jealous and possessive? *
control where you go or what you do? *
keep you from seeing your friends or family? *
limit your access to money, the phone, or the car? *
constantly check up on you?


----------



## hurtnohio

Y


Girlygirl1234 said:


> One more thiUng... We can have periods of like a month or so where we don't get into bad arguments, or he doesn't say anything really mean or get physical.. so, does that still make it abuse? I mean, for instance, it isn't every argument that we get into that it gets that way, sometimes he will get really mad and not call me names and not get physical with me.


let's play "pretend." Pretend you're still single. A friend says she wants to introduce you to a guy. She.says he's sweet, caring and a Christian. Now he does have this problem where every 3 months or so he beats his girlfriends and chokes them. He threatens them with death. He rationlizes these threats by saying God's plan.

Oh, and he demands you attend a church that backs up his view of God condoning these attacks. But after those.episodes are over, he's so sweet.

Now...aren't you just dying to go out with this guy now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Girlygirl1234

Well, last night after we got into an argument over the phone an he told me he hated me I should have never been born, an I am a waste of human life, I got stuff an got out. Me an my dog are staying with my friend for now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ColorRed

Hi Girlygirl1234, I just read your posts here, and I can't begin to tell you how much my heart goes out to you! I don't have an easy answer for you - you've gotten some helpful advice from many others here, and from your last post, it sounds like you do understand that the way you're being treated by your husband IS abuse. My sense is that you want to save your marriage and feel you need to help him, and even though you probably realize that things cannot continue like this, it might be hard to know where to turn to get help. In my time working with Focus on the Family, I know that there are caring Christian counselors who will talk with you over the phone for free - The number is 855-771-HELP (4357) - this could be a good first step. I'd also encourage you to look over this article and some of the other links here. You sound like a loving and caring person - please take care of yourself. Praying for you...


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

Girlygirl:

SO GLAD you are safe! I know you are not currently at peace, BUT YOU WILL GET THERE. Continue to let us know that you're doing okay. Let us know when you get to your new town (with your job transfer.) I'm SURE that YOU are in many people's prayers!!


----------



## erikagillian

Had you told us you had a dog we would have told you that dog was in danger! Pets and children are hostages for women's behavior. (I'm a dog person, between my sister, my mother and I we have six small [five rescued] dogs)

Does he know this friend of yours? Does he know where she/he lives? He will come and try and get you back, and eventually he may try and come kill you. And your dog. And maybe your friend. If not at your friend's house, at your work. You realize quite a few of the work shootings you hear about are actually men coming after their wives/girlfriends?

I know I'm sounding like Cassandra here, but I would like you to at least *TALK* to a crisis line, women's shelter, cops who know something about this, *something*! It's not that you're being dumb or anything, you're acting like any woman who's in the middle of this kind of thing does, and we just want you to be be safe. And your dog


----------



## erikagillian

My sister says you're in Alabama so: Shelters, courtesy of Alabama Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Crisis Services of North Alabama

Crisis Line : Crisis Center

ACADV: List of Member Shelters and the Alabama Counties Served

Womens Crisis Line, Battered Women & Children Help, Quick Resoursce Website by Q Madp

http://www.dvic1.org/http://www.womansavers.com/abusive-men.asp

Home - Safe Place

Abuse shelters - Alabama - Knights of Kindness

If you'd rather I went through all of those and abstracted the phone numbers, I can do that too, but there are sites from all over Alabama. If you're not in Alabama, tell me the state and I'll do it for that one.


----------



## timeforpain

Christianity does permit husband to hit their wives. It also requires wives be obedient to their husbands. 

The Bible also allows slavery. And it says to kill people who commit adultery, kill people who are blasphemous, and kill children who are disobedient.

No rational human being follows the Bible literally anymore. So we have to cherry-pick our morality from the Bible, and this leaves room for abuse: your husband has decided that the decidedly-misogynist parts of the Bible are applicable to his marriage, much to your detriment. Don't let him get away with it.

Talk to your priest, pastor, reverend and describe to her/him what you've told us.


----------



## erikagillian

Please read the thread before commenting?

This really doesn't have much to do with religion except that it's being used as an excuse and 'her' pastor already told her to submit so maybe you could read the thread and then give her some advice.


----------



## SabrinaBlue

I'm so glad that you and your dog got out! As erika said, now you need to take steps to stay safe. Use one of the contacts that she gave for some tips and advice on how to move forward.

And I'll tell you ... we don't know you, but we care. We care so much. Everyone here wants you to be safe and happy. Please keep us updated. All the best!


----------



## iRachel

Girlygirl! Good for you! Now stay there! Do not go back. Do not call him or anyone in his family. Call one of the places erikagillian posted. You need a plan. You have done the hardest part. To make a plan you need a professional. As much as we care for you you must call someone on that list. They well tell you what to do. 

Can you tell how easily this all comes to him? It's because he's done it before. Do not go back. He will not change. We hare here for you. You are very brave. I am glad you have your dog to keep you company. Do not believe anything he says. He's a liar and manipulator and says and does anything and everything he can to get his way, he does not care about you. 

Please please call for help. Hugs from California and our 6 small dogs
;0)


----------



## Girlygirl1234

I know a lot of you are going to be very disappointed in me, and I am too. Being the weak person that I am, I answered when he called me yesterday. He asked me to come home to talk about who will get what during the divorce, and so I told him I would come TALK to him, and that I am not sleeping there.

Well, I guess that is where I messed up, because I came home, and he hugged me and held onto me and would not let me go. He begged me to lay down with him, and he held onto me and said he will never let me go again. I told him that if he doesn't let me go that my friend will get worried and call the police. Than he told me that he will not let me go, and that they will have to kill him to get to me. He continued to act looney (he wasn't acting himself, he was acting like a weird obsessed man who just kidnapped the girl he is obsessed with).. so I continued to tell him how much I don't want to stay and for him to just accept it and let me go, and he wouldn't, he would just respond with how beautiful I am, how much he loves me, how he would rather have me married to him with me hating him, than him not being married to me at all. He told me how he would die without me, how his life has no meaning with me. Anyways, he said I can leave, but he will kill himself. So, I told him to "do it". I told him I don't care anymore, and that there are just empty threats, and when I told him to "do it", he said no, that he loves me and he can't lose me. 

So, I had to go back to my friends house and get my stuff. Why didn't I just leave then, since he let me go alone? Well, he made me keep my dog at home, and my purse. I could have left somehow without my purse, but no way in hell could I leave without my dog. 

Two things that freaked me out is when I came home after getting my stuff, I went to park in the garage (I always park in there), and our 3rd car was in there, and we NEVER park it in the garage. I asked him why he parked it there, and he said he was hoping that if I drove by I would see one of the cars missing, and that I would assume he is gone, and then I would come inside an he would have me again.

Than, I saw his handcuffs on the couch (he is a police officer), and I asked him why he had those out, and he told me they fell out of his belt. Than I told him he is LYING, because his belt is still in his truck, he never brings them in, and he said well they fell out of it so I just brought it inside, which was another lie because they are buckled into his belt, they don't just fall out. So, I am guessing he would have handcuffed me had I not cooperated.

So here I am, stuck again. I pretty much have to play it by his rules, and leave this damn state. He knows how to manipulate me and so I just have to go and not talk to him anymore.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

> He knows how to manipulate me and so I just have to go and not talk to him anymore.


 yes, you do


----------



## iRachel

Girlygirl, 

Don't get down on yourself! It takes about 7 contacts for a woman to actually leave. (contact with ER personel, friend, pastor, phone call to crisis line, cops, etc) So really you have done well. I don't know the statistics on getting out the first time, prolly not high but you've done it once. The biggest problem I see is that he is a cop. You can't trust any cop in that town/city. Or any cop that know's him. The other problem is with every time you get out, harm to you and/or your dog goes up, up, up.

What kind of dog do you have? Are you in a big city? Small town? 

Abusers are masters at ****ing with your head. And we women, especially when we are young loooove to hear that someone loves us so much. But learn now, it's not always true. Someone on here said, "I know a guy who is an ******* abuser, (sic) how would you like go out with him?? Remember how creeped out you were when you saw the other car int he garage? and the handcuffs on the couch? THOSE WERE PUT THERE TO SCARE YOU.

CALL CALL CALL someone on the list Erika (she's my sis btw) and MAKE A PLAN. That might be confusing you but what it means is that you secretly have everything you need and everything set and when it's safe you get the **** out. Someone will be there to pick you up. CALL CALL CALL. Oooh I wish I could come get you! But I'm in Ca. Stay safe. Don't talk to him about anything but normal stuff, and make a plan.


----------



## iRachel

Domestic violence against women: Recognize patterns, seek help - MayoClinic.com


----------



## solitudeseeker

Wow, he's absolutely batsh*t. And he's a cop too? Jesus, this gets scarier and scarier. Is his erratic behavior anything his co-workers have noticed? He's not mentally fit to wear the uniform, and certainly should not be carrying a gun.

And now he's on high-alert, and will keep close watch over you. Keep your head down, act quiet and docile, and make your plan. The next time you leave there can be no change of heart. Get help, people waiting to take you in. Grab your purse and your dog and get outta Dodge. Far far away. Do not respond to any of his attempts to communicate with you. 

And leave no trail. He's nuts enough to pursue you. Men like this HUNT women. You are not a human being. In his eyes you are a commodity, a prize, and you belong to him.

I think, if I'm remembering correctly, you are very young Girlygirl. Just 21 years old? You are a child, honey, with very little experience, and a whole lot of living to do. Listen to us.

I have to state this plainly. If your husband doesn't kill you, he will kill the next woman who is unfortunate enough to blunder into his life.

Let him kill himself. I mean it. The world will be safer without him. Carry no guilt with you if he does the deed. In saving yourself you will save the next woman. His future children will remain unborn, and they won't have to endure a life with this miswired lunatic as their father.


----------



## erikagillian

Don't bother with recriminations or guilt, we deal with the situation as we find it, now these are the circumstances. Let's do our best with what we got.

There's another thing here, my sister told you not to trust any cops near you, and I second that, they do back each other up, but spousal abuse is *very* common in cops! and this is one of the reasons why they protect each other! So this is not something to tell his work about till you're long gone. 

Seriously, act docile, like you changed your mind, don't fight too much, maybe a little so it's not obvious but don't get him riled enough to hurt or kill you or the dog. And call. Make plans. Figure out what you need to take. Don't write anything down. Clear the cache and history on your web browser so he doesn't see this. Be sure you've got nothing incriminating on your phone. Be sure anyone who knows about this second job waiting for you knows who they need not to tell, ie any cop! Anyone from his church, his family. Be sure your friends and family who you tell know the same things. Don't tell anyone you don't have to, I'd include your dad in that as he didn't seem sympathetic. You can buy a one use cell phone and call people and tell them you're ok once you're safe. Anything your husband's name is on you gotta chuck, if he's paying the phone bill, etc, because he can claim stuff is stolen and have it traced. Especially we now know he's a cop. And you cannot go to any shelter in Alabama, the cops know where they are. Wait till you know he'll be gone for a while. If he's a cop he may come by while on shift, he may have his buddies checking up on you, saying you're cheating or something, be careful, and when you leave, do *not* look back. 

Maybe when you decide to go, do it from work? Pack by filling your car in the garage with the door closed? Be sure nothing looks unusual and then go to your regular shift, tell you're boss what's going on, and then maybe work a bit to throw off someone checking on you then run.

I'm so sorry this is happening, good luck.


----------



## EleGirl

You need an exit plan. Go

You do not need to leave the state. Get in touch with a battered woman's center. They will set up a safe place for you to move to. Your husband will not know were you are. You can block him from your cell so you don't know if he's calling. 

The center will then help you set up a plan for how to move on with your life. 

If you can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and have it hidden in a room when your husband is there it could help you collect the into you need to prove that he has a sever problem and that you are not safe anywhere near him.


----------



## Gaia

Come move to my state... and let your husband come too... I have family that would LOVE to meet him... and some of them happen to be in law enforcement as well.


----------



## Girlygirl1234

Yeah, I live in North Alabama, and I am 21, and I have a Yellow Labrador.. that is why I had to come back yesterday, I could NEVER leave her behind. I know that he loves our dog, but, I wouldn't trust him to take care of her if he kept her. 

My father in-law and my grandfather in-law are all law enforcement. They don't agree with what my husband is doing though, and I think one of them are coming down to talk to him soon. 

One of my biggest problems is I am very sensitive, and I am a sucker for tears. As soon as he starts crying or saying how he is "unloveable", it breaks my heart and makes me give in. I know one of his biggest problems is that when he was 5, his mother cheated on his father, and they got a divorce. She kept in contact with him for a few years, but after he turned 11, his mother cut off all ties with him and would never talk to him. So, I know that has caused him a lot of problems. He did agree to marriage counseling though, do any of you think this will really help?


----------



## Gaia

Maybe... it could if you learned not to show so much emotion... he's taking advantage of that and sees it as a weakness... which probably gives him the impression that he's a predator and your his prey.... start being more aloof, distant, and assertive in things you do. Don't fall for any tricks or traps he may throw your way. Don't be a doe.... be a lioness....


----------



## EleGirl

Girlygirl1234 said:


> Yeah, I live in North Alabama, and I am 21, and I have a Yellow Labrador.. that is why I had to come back yesterday, I could NEVER leave her behind. I know that he loves our dog, but, I wouldn't trust him to take care of her if he kept her.
> 
> My father in-law and my grandfather in-law are all law enforcement. They don't agree with what my husband is doing though, and I think one of them are coming down to talk to him soon.
> 
> One of my biggest problems is I am very sensitive, and I am a sucker for tears. As soon as he starts crying or saying how he is "unloveable", it breaks my heart and makes me give in. I know one of his biggest problems is that when he was 5, his mother cheated on his father, and they got a divorce. She kept in contact with him for a few years, but after he turned 11, his mother cut off all ties with him and would never talk to him. So, I know that has caused him a lot of problems. He did agree to marriage counseling though, do any of you think this will really help?


While the story of his mom abandoning him is sad, it does not excuse his behavior. 

I'm sorry to say this but marriage counseling will not help. The two of you need individual counseling first before you can ever make your marriage work.

He needs anger management and other very serious conseling. And even that seldom works on a person like him.

And you need counseling for things like how to get away from an abusive person, why you put up with his abuse and how to stop being attracted to abuse.

Only after the two of you have taken care of your own problems can you come together and as a married couple and make it work.


----------



## COGypsy

Girlygirl1234 said:


> Yeah, I live in North Alabama, and I am 21, and I have a Yellow Labrador.. that is why I had to come back yesterday, I could NEVER leave her behind. I know that he loves our dog, but, I wouldn't trust him to take care of her if he kept her.
> 
> My father in-law and my grandfather in-law are all law enforcement. They don't agree with what my husband is doing though, and I think one of them are coming down to talk to him soon.
> 
> One of my biggest problems is I am very sensitive, and I am a sucker for tears. As soon as he starts crying or saying how he is "unloveable", it breaks my heart and makes me give in. I know one of his biggest problems is that when he was 5, his mother cheated on his father, and they got a divorce. She kept in contact with him for a few years, but after he turned 11, his mother cut off all ties with him and would never talk to him. So, I know that has caused him a lot of problems. He did agree to marriage counseling though, do any of you think this will really help?


Marriage counseling absolutely will not help right now. When an abuser an a victim are in counseling together, all it serves to do is provide more ammunition for him to use against you. All he will do is play the good guy while you sincerely open yourself to the process. If you mention the choking, handcuffs, threats etc, he'll deny it and come back on you later for telling "lies" and exposing the truth. 

It's extremely risky, especially given how volatile he is. Maybe you don't tell him "no" straight out, just spend a lo-o-ng time looking for the "right" therapist until he changes his mind.


----------



## iRachel

No, marriage counseling won't help.

We all had crap happen to us as kids and adults, but most of us don't take it out on vulnerable people by hitting them and making them feel bad and worthless and scared.

Make sure you are erasing everything off of your cell phone, don't call anyone out of the ordinary on your landline. Erase the history and cache on your computer. 

Having his family talk to him may very well, and probably make him escalate. It will piss him off and take it out on you.

You said earlier you don't trust him to take care of your doggy. How can you trust him to take care of you?

Answer me a question, are you afraid to call a crisis line or Women's Shelter?

Be Careful, Girlygirl. We are here for you.


----------



## Going Mental

Girlygirl, please get in contact with the crisis line or one of the shelters NOW...I am sure the women and children there will love having a dog around. 
The first thing you must tell them is that your abuser is a cop. Abuser, not husband. The level of emotional abuse you are receiving is more than enough even if there hadn't been anything physical. What is it going to take for you to leave? 
I am praying for you, and hope that you see your way to safety.


----------



## Girlygirl1234

Rachel, yes, to be honest, I am not really afraid to call a woman's shelter, more ashamed and embarassed. I just feel like they are going to laugh at me because it doesn't happen all the time, and it is only when he gets really mad at me. 

My BIGGEST problem is the guilt I am already experiencing. He has been acting so pitiful since Monday, and it is killing me. Not to mention that the friend who's house I went to, he made me delete her as my facebook friend, and he made me delete her from my contacts. He said that she is a bad influence because when I am around her I act "mouthy". It is because on Sunday while he was at work, I told him I needed the day to think about things, and my friend had asked me to go hang out with her and her family at the river and go swimming. I went with her, and my husband got mad at me because he said "I should have been thinking, not hanging out with my ***** friend" (which by the way, she is not a whor*, she is just more liberal and my husband does not like liberals), and when he called me, it made me mad that he was yelling at me so I stood up to him, and that is why he thinks I am mouthy when I am around her.

And last night, one of the other girls I work with who my husband asked me to delete off of facebook and my phone, she texted me and started yelling at me and calling me an idiot for going back home and she told me that my friends are not going to be there for me anymore. I am just glad I can at least talk on here, because if it weren't for all of you on here, I wouldn't have anybody. My friends don't seem to understand how hard it is to give up on somebody that you promised your life to, and vowed to love until "death to us part".


----------



## COGypsy

Even if that same person is the one that ultimately brings about that death?


----------



## SabrinaBlue

Girlygirl, _no one_ at a crisis center is going to laugh at you. Abuse in relationships can vary from just one hit to a pattern of abuse (like your husband when he chokes you). We've told you here that your situation is dire. We're not joking, and a crisis shelter won't be, either. You need out.

Your husband made you end contact with the friend who got you out? That's no surprise. Refer to my earlier post to see how this fits into the pattern of an abuser. 

And sweetheart, I know how strongly you value marriage. You value the promise that you were making for life. Plenty of us here made the same promise. But the "to death do you part" did _not_ include letting him degrade, abuse, and potentially kill you. Because yes ... your situation can very well end in your death.

Please read this:
St. Louis police: Man killed former girlfriend, her mother and his own child

This woman was the friend of a co-worker. Her abusive relationship ended in her death, and the deaths of her mother and one of her children.

Here's another one you need to read:
Choking crimes should be taken as sign of worse to come

A bright young woman with her future ahead of her is now dead. Her death might have been prevented if people had taken the choking more seriously.

Girlygirl, I don't want you to become another story that I end up quoting in a forum in order to help a woman escape an abusive relationship. I want you to become the strong, successful woman that I know you can be. Please get help and get out.


----------



## iRachel

Sabrina Blue, 

Amen sister! 

Girlygirl, she just wrote pretty much what I was going to write. The LAST people to think/say you are weak are the people at the Women's Shelter. They would never make you feel bad. They will only support you and help you. Just call. See what they say. Most people, including your 'friends' and maybe even family and people at work will just say, "buck up, it's not that bad", or "If you really wanted out, you'd just leave". Well you know it's not that easy! There is rampant denial about domestic violence. Women are still thought of as second class citizens. Even a lot of women think it, tho they don't know it. 

You are in the Cycle of Abuse. That's what it's called. It's a real thing. And I am alarmed that he made you delete your friend. Not surprised but alarmed. It was inevitable. Tell me, when you got married did he move you away from your family? Does he ever let your friends come over and hang out? Does he let you go out and hang out with your friends? All that is part of the cycle. He is isolating you from your support. He has already started to make you feel worthless, insecure, scared... The only way this will stop is for you to leave. Secretly leave. The incidence of women getting killed is when they try and leave and when they are pregnant. No ****. Pregnant. He'll kill you both. 

Please please please please just call. Just call. 

And let me just say, you are not worthless or stupid or 'too emotional' or mouthy (you should hear me, I'm usually one of those 'mouthy friends' who my friends husbands hate because I won't stand still for any kind of boorish behavior.) If I were there I'd snatch you and your dog up out of that house. Of course it won't work until you are ready. DON'T believe his bullshi* and trust me, it's all bullshi*. 

Read those articles SabrinaBlue posted. Google: wife killed by husband, or something similar. IT HAPPENS EVERY DAY. 

Please call, Girlygirl. Just to ask them some questions. 

Hugs, Rachel


----------



## iRachel

Girlygirl, 

Alabama Women's Shelters | Women's Shelters in Alabama | Alabama Battered Women's Shelters Domestic Violence Shelters

There a many safe shelters for women in Alabama. Don't let the 'homeless' ones throw you off. There are homeless shelters for women and also ones for women who are in your same situation. You said earlier you thought maybe they would think that it's not a common thing to happen, to be in an abusive relationship. But it is VERY common! Most people don't believe how common it is. One in every 3-4 (depending which stat you read) women has been abused/hit by her partner. ONE out of every 4. It doesn't mean they are in the same situation you are in, but 1 out of every 4 women have been abused by her partner. That is a shocking statistic. Abuse doesn't always mean being hit. Verbal abuse is just as bad. 

I don't mean to be nosey Girlygirl, I'm just curious what kind of work do you do? You don't have to tell me tho. ) Also can I make (another suggestion? 
Change or add to your name Girlygirl. Someone mentioned you should act like a Lioness, Strong, gentle, fearless, cunning, nurturing, maybe you can use something with lioness. It will start to help you feel something other than a Girlygirl. You are a beautiful grown women. Young, still, but grown. Embrace that.... and take care of yourself and your doggy.

~Rachel


----------



## Girlygirl1234

Thanks. I have two jobs actually, I am a loan assistant at a bank, and I work as a server at Carrabbas
. Of course my husband hates me waitressing because he thinks it is a bad environment. I only started working there because I lost my previous job, an I needed something to get me by. Thankfully for it though, because that's where I have a manager who has me a job somewhere else. My husband is actually making me quit it because it is apparently the main reason out marriage is failing, because I guess Carrabbas has changed me. And maybe it has, I started dating him.when I was 19 so I didn't know a whole lot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl

Girlygirl1234 said:


> Thanks. I have two jobs actually, I am a loan assistant at a bank, and I work as a server at Carrabbas
> . Of course my husband hates me waitressing because he thinks it is a bad environment. I only started working there because I lost my previous job, an I needed something to get me by. Thankfully for it though, because that's where I have a manager who has me a job somewhere else. My husband is actually making me quit it because it is apparently the main reason out marriage is failing, because I guess Carrabbas has changed me. And maybe it has, I started dating him.when I was 19 so I didn't know a whole lot.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why are you allowing your husband to push your around ... "making" you quit your job? You are the only one who can give him the power to make you do anything. And you are giving it to him willingly. At some point you are no longer a victim but instead a willing participant in your own abuse. When you come to realize this you might, just might, get the guts to do what you have to do to save get away from him.

How long do you think it will be before he finds out about this site and 'makes' you stop posting here? 

How long do you think it will before he chokes you and kills you... or makes you brain dead? 

Please call an abused woman's center. They will not laugh at you or look down on you. You are behaving link most abused women do before they come to their senses. The people who work at those places have seen women (and even men) who are mentally stuck in the same way you are.. they see it all day long, day after day. 

So go get the help you need. 

I understand that your husband’s crying and acting out make you feel responsible and feel sorry for him. But that’s not love… that’s enabling him to be the worse person he can be. By your staying and you allowing him to hurt you physically and mentally you are encouraging him to continue his abusive actions. He needs to learn to not do this and to get the help he needs. He’s a deeply troubled person. So leave and let him learn the lessons he needs to learn. 

And let him grow.. he might just learn that mistreating someone and trying to control them will drive them away. Right now you are teaching him that if he increases his control and abuse that you will stay. So of course he’s going to increase it to keep you.


----------



## iRachel

Girlygirl,

The job isn't changing you, it's threatening him. People, men in particular, not him, are seeing you and talking to you. He can't control you when you work at a place like that. He'll probably eventually make you quit your other job too, especially if he thinks you are telling anyone there your problems or there are men you can befriend. Your husbands entire goal is to control you, take away your power, make you a slave. 

You keep your jobs. You keep your friends. I know, tho, he will threaten, scare and manipulate you into quitting them. And then get rid of all your friends, and then keep you away from your family. Don't think you are weak for giving in, giving in keeps you safe. It's not the right thing, nor the best thing but if you keep doing what he wants, you are enabling him. The only way to make it go away is to leave. You will know when it's time. Your fear will kick in and you will go. (My sis got mad at me for saying that b/c she, as do we all, think you should leave sooner than later) But in reality, you won't go till you are ready. Remember, fear is actually your friend. If it tells you to do something, you do it, it'll keep you safer. Go to the library and look up a book called, _The Gift of Fear_. I think my sister mentioned it before. All women should read it. 

Take care of your self, you Lioness you! And your doggy.


----------



## erikagillian

GG  They work by isolating you and making you dependent. Like making you erase those people from your facebook and not see them so you don't have a support system and a reality check. By trying to get you to quit your jobs, so you have no money and no reason to leave the house. This is terribly rude of me to ask or mention, I suppose, but men like your husband will often sabotage birth control so that the wife will get pregnant and have to stay.

You're a generous and sensitive person, but you're poison for him, he's never going to get the help he needs with you there. If you're there he's going to continue down this road, that almost inevitably will lead to murder. Number one sign that a woman will be murdered by her husband is him threatening to do it. If you get out of there maybe his family can get him some help, maybe the cops might help him, but there's no way he'll let them if you're still there.

Your strength and sensitivity needs to be used somewhere it will help others, and I bet if you get to a women's shelter, or even just start talking to a women's crisis line, you'll start volunteering for one. For some reason you just seem like one that will do that  You'll know how hard it was, how little you feel it was he did to you, that it didn't happen often or enough to be 'real' but it did. You'll be able to help so many people.

This may sound like I'm trying to manipulate you, but I'm really not, I'm trying hard not to actually  But I'm trying to hit on that thing that helps, that thing that makes you go, ok, yes, that's right, this is the time. And I know I can't do that *for* you, but maybe if I keep telling you things... I keep pushing and that annoys my sister  But we are here for you, and if we were anywhere near... damn, wish we were 

Give that dog a hug for me. My sister and I are very much dog people and we know you had to go back for the dog, of course we do. We'd walk into a burning building for a dog we didn't know 

I wish you all the luck I can scrounge up! And all the strength I can send!

Erika


----------



## SabrinaBlue

Girlygirl, we haven't heard from you in a few days. How's the situation going? Please let us know you're okay.


----------



## Girlygirl1234

I am okay. I have been trying to figure things out and at least play it by his rules for now so he doesn't suspect anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

Am thinking about you, Girlygirl, and pulling for you to make it. I just got out to another state and I am SO HAPPY and SO RELIEVED. I KNOW I can make it....and YOU CAN, TOO.

Love ya!


----------



## Traggy

Neat, so now he is cutting you off from all of your outlets the longer you stay there. 

What is next? Your family is a bad influence on you?

You do see the sooner you get out the better or you are literally going to be trapped mentally and physically. He is working daily to cut you out of everyone's life that cares about you so that he is the only one you can look to. 

Pretty soon he is going to find out about this place and you will lose this too. I guarantee it. 

This guy is an insecure, little man. His has no self worth and tries to control you because deep down he knows he is a piece of crap that doesn't deserve to breathe the same air as you. 

This is to the point of, What is more important to you? 

Your life, or his feelings and alligator tears?


----------



## erikagillian

Just wanted to say I'm still here and listening, GG. Still hoping you'll get out safe, you and your pup. We're rooting for you here in California!


----------



## erikagillian

GG, if you're still around, can you say something? Some of us are worrying? 

The rest of you might be interested in this: https://www.mosaicmethod.com/

This is the guy who writes the software that assess threats to the Supreme Court and I think the President, not sure, but he's way high up there. He and his people also protect celebrities and other such people from stalkers and he tries to help as many people (mostly women) in these awful situations that he can. He wrote a book called Gift of Fear that's about how to deal with being threatened, and in a way, being a woman. One of his big things is Trust your Instincts! If you think the guy is creepy, get away now!  Anyway, might help someone somewhere. I hope Girlygirl is safe where ever she is.


----------



## Going Mental

Hi GG, how are you going??? Unfortunately us here sitting on the other side of the computer screen can see the classic steps your husband is taking to further control you. Please let us know you are ok.


----------



## MmHo

Hi Girlygirl

I just wanted to say that I was in exact same situation as yourself and took all his abuse for 2years. I am 55. The more I asked him to stop the more he did it. No amount of reasoning with him would stop him. 

He is a high functioning Borderline Personality which means he can modify hs behaviour to the outside world but I was his only easy target for all his hatred and love when he chose to be nice.

I was told by his daughter(who is a doctor) to get a book called Walking on Eggshells...Living with a Borderline Personality...It answered all my questions. 

I knew I could not stay as the domestic abuse just escalated. He told he he would destroy me if I left, and he has done his best to do that.

I moved out in Sept 2011. Into a rented house a couple of streest away from my daughter and grandchildren.

I am in the worst possible financial situation that I have ever been in in my entire life but I would rather live like this than spend another day with him.

Hopefully if things go well with the financial side of things I should get some sort of settlement, but really the money means little in comparison to having a life back.

It was really hard to leave him because there was always little bits of him that I loved. 

But the worst thing has been reliving the trauma of what he did to me, nightmares, flashbacks.

Here in the Uk Domestic Violence is played down as I have found to my cost when I filed a report against him.

In the US things are taken more seriously I believe. 

I hope you consider seriously filing these reports or at least make a diary because when it comes to court they will lie so very well that you will be completely crushed by what the have to say.

Good luck Girlygirl think of you x


----------



## Girlygirl1234

Hey y'all,

Sorry, I didn't know anybody else had replied on here because usually I get an email notification.

Is Borderline Personality disorder similar to being a sociopath? Just asking, because my husband is convinced that I am one. He says sociopaths don't care who they hurt, and they can act like 2 different people. He says I act.like such a sweet girl to everybody else, but to him I am mean and cold, and I have no "remorse" for trying to leave him and breaking his heart. I told him obviously I have remorse and I care or else it would be so much easier for me to leave.

But things haven't gotten crazy or anything like that since the last time I told yall about.. I know how to not make him blow up, I just have to be the way he wants me too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SabrinaBlue

Girlygirl, he's trying to trip you up by convincing you that you have mental health problems. Don't let him do this to you. Don't accept any labels he's trying to put on you. It's nothing more than his attempt to freak you out, manipulate your emotions, and keep you under his control. 

Keep your head down and keep planning for the day you'll leave. You can do this.


----------



## MmHo

Girlygirl1234 said:


> Hey y'all,
> 
> Sorry, I didn't know anybody else had replied on here because usually I get an email notification.
> 
> Is Borderline Personality disorder similar to being a sociopath? Just asking, because my husband is convinced that I am one. He says sociopaths don't care who they hurt, and they can act like 2 different people. He says I act.like such a sweet girl to everybody else, but to him I am mean and cold, and I have no "remorse" for trying to leave him and breaking his heart. I told him obviously I have remorse and I care or else it would be so much easier for me to leave.
> 
> But things haven't gotten crazy or anything like that since the last time I told yall about.. I know how to not make him blow up, I just have to be the way he wants me too.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Visit BPD Central or BPD Family Forums and you will find lots of info there. The personalities BLAME everyone else in their life for all their hatred and sadness. One minute they are nice next second the are vile and nasty and depending on their level of functioning they can fool people big time.

If you stay with him you will end up going crazy because that is what the do to you. They cannot help themselves and will not seek help.

This is a serious situation that you need to get out of, trust me.
I went back 3 times and nothing changed except his behaviour got a lot worse because then He could go on and on and on about how I left him.

I hope you can get out of this situation pretty soon.
Take care Girlygirl hope you find the strength to do it.


----------



## Girlygirl1234

MmHo..

So, your ex has BPD? Is it the same thing as being a sociopath though? I dont honestly believe the things he tells me I am.. It is just frustrating because he has the nerve to tell me I have a problem. He has been bringing up the fact that I left him OVER AND OVER since it happened. All I hear lately is "You are the one who left me".. "You dont leave somebody you love".. "All you like to do it hurt me, you cant love me after all the pain you have put me through..". We got into an argument the other night, and he took a picture and hit himself over the head with it and got glass everywhere. Than, he took his gun and said he was going to kill himself.. AND IM THE CRAZY ONE? He screamed and yelled so loud that night, and he also crawled up in a ball on the floor and cried so hard.. yet I am crazy!


----------



## pidge70

BPD is NOT the same as a sociopath........gads.


----------



## MmHo

Girlygirl1234 said:


> MmHo..
> 
> So, your ex has BPD? Is it the same thing as being a sociopath though? I dont honestly believe the things he tells me I am.. It is just frustrating because he has the nerve to tell me I have a problem. He has been bringing up the fact that I left him OVER AND OVER since it happened. All I hear lately is "You are the one who left me".. "You dont leave somebody you love".. "All you like to do it hurt me, you cant love me after all the pain you have put me through..". We got into an argument the other night, and he took a picture and hit himself over the head with it and got glass everywhere. Than, he took his gun and said he was going to kill himself.. AND IM THE CRAZY ONE? He screamed and yelled so loud that night, and he also crawled up in a ball on the floor and cried so hard.. yet I am crazy!


Hi Girlygirl

No, as Pidge70 says it is not the same as being a Sociopath!
Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder and BPD traits...
(Look at BPD Family website for lots of help and info) is that:

They have problems in maintaining stable relationships. 
They 'flip' from one minute loving you then hating you. 
They fly into uncontrollable rages within seconds and the smallest of triggers will set them off. 
They are never to blame for any of their problems...they will always put the blame on someone else, usually their partner.
They can be very impulsive...spending money, or have some form of addiction.... alcohol, drugs, gambling.
They have a very black and white way at looking at things.
They have a major fear of abandoment.

Their inner turmoil apparently stems from a very troubled childhood.... there is a lot more to be said about this if you search on line about BPD. Also getting them into therapy is difficult because they will rarely admit to having a problem.

There 9 traits I have not mentioned them all and I have only given a brief description of those above.

It seems that your partner could be exhibiting signs of BPD
If you can download a copy of the Book.... Walking on Eggshells.. Living with a Borderline Personality...this can help explain the disorder

My ex screamed like I have never heard another human being scream before and thumped himself in the head. The next minute he would be fine and I was left reeling from the verbal and emotional abuse and could not recover quickly from it.... often he had no recollection of it happening.... but if he did it was a totally different version to the one I witnessed....but always the blame was put on me.

When he is 'normal' you could not wish to meet a nicer man and that is the difficulty because leaving him was very difficult. I cry everyday and I mean sob my heart out for the loss of the man I first knew...I miss him so much but I do not have the courage or strength to go back.

I hope some of this information is of help.

Take Care and good luck

MmHo


----------



## Going Mental

A sociopath/psychopath (same thing really) does not have a concioucense like most people - they do not understand guilt or empathy. They are the con men, criminals and many CEOs of the world. The worst are the serial killers, the best are sponges/cadges of society. They reek havoc in a different way to BPD. Sounds like BPD has similarities to bi-polar too.

Keep safe, keep your head down as best you can as you work through a plan to leave. You are human, so you will always make mistakes - how is he going to react to those moments (even if you are far between incidences).

Can you see how his violence is escalating? He has now pushed your safety tolerance even further by brandishing his gun....a "real" police officer would not engender that level fear on those he purportedly loves. He choked you, now the gun is out....the more this happens the more he will think its acceptable behaviour as you are tolerating it by staying. I liken it to tolerating drug use....your struggle to leave is enabling more violence/abuse from him.

Please contact your friend and reestablish secret contact. At least she knows you are safe. Be straight with her with what has happened re deleting numbers etc and that whilst you haven't got to the point where you can leave, you will try to maintain your friendship as best you can in secret. I know this seems like you are lying to your H, but at this point you need to maintain support from someone outside your relationship.

as always, best wishes.


----------



## EleGirl

Girlygirl1234 said:


> MmHo..
> 
> So, your ex has BPD? Is it the same thing as being a sociopath though? I dont honestly believe the things he tells me I am.. It is just frustrating because he has the nerve to tell me I have a problem. He has been bringing up the fact that I left him OVER AND OVER since it happened. All I hear lately is "You are the one who left me".. "You dont leave somebody you love".. "All you like to do it hurt me, you cant love me after all the pain you have put me through..". We got into an argument the other night, and he took a picture and hit himself over the head with it and got glass everywhere. Than, he took his gun and said he was going to kill himself.. AND IM THE CRAZY ONE? He screamed and yelled so loud that night, and he also crawled up in a ball on the floor and cried so hard.. yet I am crazy!


It does you no good to try to label or diagnose him. Even trained professionals can find it very hard to diagnose the mentally ill. So many disorders have overlapping symptoms/behaviors that doctors find it hard sometimes to tell one from the other. For the most part, the only tools available to diagnose are to measure behaviors. It’s not accurate at all.

For example I have a nephew who is diagnoses as a paranoid schizophrenic. When not medicated he spends a good part of his time in a psychotic state. It’s very scary to be around him when he’s experiencing psychoses. But the team of doctors how diagnose/treat him say that he might actually be bi-polar… some people who are bi-polar suffer psychotic episodes. So a team of professionals are not even sure how to diagnose him. From my point of view it does not matter what his diagnosis is. When in a psychotic state he is dangerous, has threatened to kill a lot of people… my family and me included. AT this point the only thing that matters to me is the safety of me and mine.

It sounds to me like your husband is mentally ill. And here you are trying to figure out how to label him? 

He chokes you, breaks things on his head, waves a gun round and yet you are still living with him. You are here trying to argue that you are not the crazy one instead of doing something to save yourself and him.

We have all given you so much good advice and you do nothing. Well you are doing something; you are giving up more and more of your independence. You are exposing yourself to more and more violence. Why are you doing this?

I’m not trying to be mean here. I’m trying to wake you up. There are facilities that help people in your position. They will get you away from your husband and safe. They can even help him. I really think your husband is mentally ill. Instead of getting him to a doctor who can help him, you are just letting him escalate. You are allowing him to be the worst person he can be.

What are you going to do to help your husband and yourself? When are you going to do this?

If your husband had a high fever and was coughing up blood, would you get him to a doctor? Or would you just let it go on and on? I’ll bet you’d get him help. Well right now he has the mental health equivalent. He needs help. You are the one who can see his problem clearly. So it’s your responsibility to get him help. And that help starts with you getting help for yourself so that the professionals can help him.


----------



## kallywana

It is very to leave when you have kids. l have lived this life and it only gets worst over time. l was given the courage to call the POLICE for help. Life so precious. Let your parents know what is going on.


----------



## SamuraiJack

:smthumbup:


----------

