# Honesty Please



## Ali67 (Aug 7, 2011)

Hi 
Im new here and would like some insight into my marriage please from a total outsiders point of view because I am being pulled in many different ways.

In March I re-met my first love, it brought back all the old feelings and I fell in LOve again. To my surprise he said he felt the same and we married in May.

Some of my family and friends are supportive some are not, and I admit it was a whirlwind but he is so amazing and caring. he looks after me he cooks hes just wonderful.

Then a month after we married an ex of his appeared. a family member contacted member of my family and said she had ended a 4 yr relationship with him only 3 months before we met and there was some bad blood between them. She said that my husband had stolen some things from her children and that he had left all his possessions at her house when she kicked him out in January. They include all his clothes, his paperwork and his motorbike. Apparently he also owes her money.

My husband says she is a psycho and I'm inclined to agree, but she has threatened legal action so Im not sure now.

One of the children contacted us for the return of her things as the woman concerned is ill and she wanted to avoid any more stress on her mother, but she called my husband a different name which I must admit I found strange. I did feel sorry for her because she said my husband was her "dad" for 4 yrs but I dismissed it out of hand in the end as my husband said it was lies.

I'm very confused. I want to believe my husband. I love him very much. Like I said he is caring and loves me. sex is amazing too. 
He tells me he loves me every day, we have fun but I dont know what to do or who to ask for advice

He says this woman abused him and all he did was look after her and her family when she was ill and that shes just really angry and bitter the relationship split up.

Any thoughts please.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You have to experience him on your own and come to your own conclusions about how he treats you and whether it is authentic. You can't go by words. You have to go by how it feels. Don't even try to use logic, because you are dealing with people and how they relate to each other. It's not your space. Just absorb what people tell you nonverbally or what is left out of what they say. If someone gives you information about how someone else 'lost out' or 'is crazy' and does not accept a role in how the relationship played out, that is as important if not more so than the words. Just absorb and file it and use it to evaluate your own experience as it unfolds.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Contact the woman. Arrange to meet her and listen to her.

Try to be objective as if you didn't know your husband.

If his things are her place it would seem strange that he left them behind.

It just seems to be a very odd situation.


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## Kevan (Mar 28, 2011)

Ali,

I'm not sure what it going on, but you've got to get to the bottom of it.

You married your husband only two months after re-meeting him--not enough time to find out who he really is now. When you met, you told him of your love before he had expressed his, leaving him to respond. I'm concerned that he may have viewed your love for him as offering an escape route from the circumstances he was in with his last family.

What is his explanation for their behavior and statements, other than that they're psychos and liars?

The ill woman and her family have made specific statements about the relatively recent past, including a name that your husband doesn't use now. It should be relatively easy to confirm whether what they say is true. Find out, or have someone trustworthy find out for you.

Whatever the truth, it sounds as if you have some unpleasant revelations in your future. If your husband stays loving and works with you to get through this, then stay open to him. But at the first sign of manipulating or controlling behavior from him toward you, take steps to protect yourself. If he has been deceptive to the extent these people claim, he may be capable of other hurtful behavior as well. Love, but stay safe.


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## Ali67 (Aug 7, 2011)

Thankyou both,
I dont think the family member who told me about her meant it that she had lost out, rather a warning to me. they mentioned a domestic violence crime. 

But I simply cant believe it of my husband. I went to school with him and ok it was 25 years ago, ( we are in our 40's) hes such a kind man. good looking and has had good jobs, whic is also strange because the ex said he was unemployed.

When I approach him about it he either gets angry about her, or very upset that she was so abusive and he was so kind.

I do find it strange about the things at her place but he said they were nothing and that shes just mad.

I think he would go crazy if I contacted her because it would mean that I didnt believe him so im hoping it will blow over
a court case doesnt mean that she is right surely? she could be lying.

i know we married quickly and my family were worried hes still in love with her but I would see signs wouldnt i?


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## Ali67 (Aug 7, 2011)

Kevan
re the name it was a muslim name...but I know him as his english name. he converted in his 20's but he doesnt practise.

I met a couple of his friends and they havent said very much but do back him up. they were witnesses at our marriage.

I have seen the lady's profile concerned on a networking website. shes attractive and looks normal. 

he has 3 children, one of which he never sees as the mother went overseas and their relationship seems tense as hes very upset about it. his other 2 children are teenagers he doesnt see them either but has contact by phone

Thanks for your honesty. I'm a social care worker and its my caring nature to see the best in people.


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## Ali67 (Aug 7, 2011)

My husband says she had a history of contacting people around him after the relationship broke up.

He said that the children let him borrow their things, a nintendo ds and games and a mobile phone and that he returned them.

he said the medication she takes makes her irrational and moody

I cant talk to my family because obviously they will be angry and I fell out with some of them.

I havent seen any signs of abuse towards me at all, he does get angry but says its at the lies. 

one of them was that he only proposed because she rejected him in April but repeats that he loves me. 
we spoke that shes more attractive than me and slimmer and taller, but he says hes with me now and that its me he married not her.


I will try and speak with him about it later. and post what he says.
Thanks


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## Ali67 (Aug 7, 2011)

So I sat down this afternoon and talked to my husband and now Im more confused than ever.
he broke down and told me that he was involved with this woman for 4 years, She was very ill with asthma and was in a coma in 2008 and cared for her and her children. He said he felt sorry for her.
They had a silly argument at new Year and he says that because of her irrational behaviour that it was over.
I want to believe that my lovely husband is the victim in all this, that he loved this woman and she dumped on him.
But I still cant explain why her family would want to warn me about him.
It sounds even more like she wants him back, and thats what he says and that he loves me and hes with me.
He still maintains its all lies and that shes bitter.
He admits he left his things there but he doesnt need them as he has a new life with me.
He admits that we met very quickly after the relationship ended but he is sure its the right thing and to be honest if i didnt know about his recent past I wouldnt have suspected anything
I just have to hope that there is no court case and that she is lying about him.
I felt so sorry for him he said hes been through a terrible few years and wants to forget about it all.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Wow. This sounds really shady.

I have no advice...other than to just see what happens.


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## Ali67 (Aug 7, 2011)

Thanks for your opinion that-girl
I get mixed opinions wherever I ask and wanted an honest and frank one which is why I came here.

Does anyone think it possible that this woman would really go to such lengths split us up?

Her family have contacted my family. we have totally ignored her. He has changed his number and refuses to communicate

He says shes harassing him.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I think you are ignoring your intuition because your thinking is clouded by the starry eyed in love stage. If he is telling the truth and is sincere, he should have no problems with being transparent and letting you speak with anyone you wish. If he controls your access to information and get angry if you want to check then he may be hiding something. 

There are several things that make me suspicious. He has no contact with his kids. What kind man has no contact with kids. Does he pay child support - a responsible good man would take care of his kids. An innocent man would be open and reassuring, he would not have problems letting you speak to anyone that would reassure you. 

His friends from what you say seem guarded. They may not want to reveal what he has done. Calling the ex crazy very common ploy when a deceptive person wants to discredit a person. 

He may have convinced them that he has changed. The number of accusations from different sources is worrisome. The fact that you got married so soon is also concerning. You really don't know him, people change a great deal from the teen years to adulthood. 

Even if he gets angry, you have a responsibility to yourself to investigate. You can easily search the internet to see if he has a criminal record. You can pay about $30 for a background check. These things are easily available. You can decide if you want to tell him. 

I think you are being far too trusting and you let someone in your life without getting to know him. He may seem nice but you don't know what he is really like. May I advice you that he may be planning a financial scam. 

As for the job you can check to see if he is working and if he has the position that he says he has. Surprise and take him to lunch one day. Have you ever called his job number or do you jut have the cell? 

Call the main number and tell him you lost the cell number. Does he have access to you charge cards or bank accounts. Do you see his bank statements. How do you share finances, does he contribute half.?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## krismi (Oct 8, 2009)

I don't know - you weren't in contact with him for sooo many years then married him so very fast. You really don't know that much about him - I can see why you are confused - who wouldn't be. Have you thought about hiring someone who could look into his past? I know it sounds horrible but how long can you go through this without knowing who he really might be - especially with the different name and all? I hope it all works out in your favour but I'm kind of edging in a different direction. Please think about having someone look into who he really may be. Good luck!!


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## Ali67 (Aug 7, 2011)

Thankyou Catherine,
I know hes working he has the van from work and I have met his bosses. He pays is share although I do earn alot more than him. 
He says he pays maintenance for his children and I have no reason not to believe him
His mother was a teacher at our school and they are fairly well off, she lives in a big house in London
He doesn't have credit cards but has a bank account.
Everything I ask of him he as a reasonable answer to.
I admit I probably rushed into marriage Ive had a number of failed relationships, but it feels so right and he hasnt done anything to make me feel like he doesnt love me
Its just this ex lurking in the background. if she would just go away then everything would be ok.

His kids live in the North of England, their mother moved from what I understand. They are teenagers about 18 so have their own lives. The little one overseas is more of a problem because he cant go to Australia to see her and according to my husband the same ex stopped her mother bringing her to the UK.

I will have to wait to see if she takes him to court as she has threatened to do
He says he will counterclaim with harassment, and has the texts and emails to prove it. I asked him whether he should contact the police anyway but he said not to. that if we ignore her she will go away when she gets the message that he doesnt want her anymore


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## Ali67 (Aug 7, 2011)

Thanks Krismi
He is who he says he is, all my family and friends remember him from school. 
His friends that I have met have also said that he told them this woman was a nightmare, although they did admit never to have meeting her. She was by all accounts to ill to meet anyone and they lived a distance.
His brother was our witness at the wedding and his ex didnt really come up in conversation
My husband was a performer in the music industry and travelled and everyone knew him from our area so he really does check out.

The picture that is being painted by this woman is not the same man that I know and love. and the answers he gives me really do add up.
It was a whirlwind relationship but they can and do work...


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## Ali67 (Aug 7, 2011)

I also want to point out incase I have misled you that hes not said I cant contact anyone or cant talk to anyone. I just feel that if I do he will think I dont believe him. 
Infact hes even said to ask whoever I like
He doesnt control who I see or what I do, we spend alot of our free time together as it seems so right


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## krismi (Oct 8, 2009)

Hi Ali,

Please don't misunderstand - didn't mean to sound harsh. Just these days you hear these crazy stories so I thought it wouldn't hurt just to see if there was anything that maybe those people wouldn't come out and mention right away or maybe even they don't know. I hope all works out. Keep us posted!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Don't mean to harp on this but it does not hurt to do an internet check. Is your safety not worth that? You are doing something that is common to women. You sacrifice for others. 

Double cheaking does not mean you don't trust him it means you hold yourself and your safety in high regard. His thinking that you don't trust him - are you going to wait till you are scamed and then lament not doing one simple task that protects you. 

You cannot give your safety in the hands of a man. Woman Up- and take care of yourself. A smart man would not hesitate to check out a woman in the same situation you are in. They are smart enough to look out for their own good. 

Please take what I said in the light of a wish to help and not a critisizem of your husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ali67 (Aug 7, 2011)

I really do appreciate your honesty and thankyou. you have all made me think.
I wanted honesty from strangers because my view is clouded.

I will check up on him online. I'm in the UK im not sure exactly how I do this with criminal records and such.

We talked again last night and he does seem to have all the answers so I guess it will be the only way.

I find it difficult to believe that if they do go to court over this matter, he will lose, because he is so convincing.

he said he wouldnt be surprised if it was his ex and not his ex's daughter who wrote to me as she really is vindictive.

It will all come out on court.

I will keep you all up to date


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## grendelsmom (Aug 1, 2011)

As much as the crazy ex is a cliche, they really do exist. I've dealt with more than one of them. And if she's disturbed, it sometimes happens that her family is too--or she just really has them convinced. Her family contacting your family sounds inappropriate to me, violating normal boundaries. To me it sounds like your husband is not a bad guy and is probably telling the truth here. However, it is always good to trust your instincts, and if he was involved with a "crazy" person, he likely has some issues of his own. The relative lack of contact with the kids does send up a red flag to me. I wonder if he is not a guy who is often dominated by his women, and the ties are not so strong with the kids because he wants to avoid their mothers? It sounds like you aren't a dominating woman, so maybe it is a good sign he chose you. Maybe he is getting over that tendency. I would just keep my eyes open if I were you and try not to worry about it too much.


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## Ali67 (Aug 7, 2011)

Thanks
Its the court case I do worry about.
I felt sorry for the child who contacted me about her things. She told me her own dad had given them to her and that my husband had them and hadnt returned them, but my husband said it was all lies.
The family also gave crime numbers and said they had evidence.
My husband pointed out that we are open to messages on the internet site just the same as these people could have told us face to face. We have just ignored them and they didnt do it twice. not harassing me 
I will have to just wait and see. I do worry grendelsmom because I want to believe my husband. This seems so out of character.


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## karajh (Jul 25, 2009)

that_girl said:


> Wow. This sounds really shady.
> 
> I have no advice...other than to just see what happens.


:iagree:


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## Ali67 (Aug 7, 2011)

UPDATE:
I was contacted by the woman and I had to tell her that her things were at my mother-in-laws house. 
I felt bad because I had ignored her daughter but my husband had told me not to get involved.
She wanted to know why my husband was witholding her things and I had to tell her it was because he was lazy and didnt care.
I felt she belittled my marriage somewhat by saying he was holding onto them for a reason
I then gave them to my husband to post as he wouldn't let me have her address. 

she has now replied saying that until she gets her possessions in full, his things removed and some money he owes her the matter is in the hands of a solictor.
I told her he didnt want his things but shes going on about disposal costs. Apparently he has left a motorbike at her home.

She does seem a very intelligent woman but why cant she let go?


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## curlysue (Aug 13, 2011)

Ali, this is so complicated you simply cannot comprehend and solve this alone. I encourage you to seek couples therapy, this will involve you and your husband and a therapist who will be able to see through and lies or flaws in a story.
Also, I encourage the court case for the same reason, a judge will determine any lies or flaws. 

If your husban refuses therapy...I'd reconsider the relationship.

The main thing here is that you are looking after yourself, your mental and physical help.

Maybe you should take some time away and clear your head.

I wish you all the best!


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## Ali67 (Aug 7, 2011)

Today my husband insisted we went to the police to make a complaint about harassment because I had some unwanted messages from a woman claiming to be a friend of my husbands ex.
We made a complaint and the policeman went to telephone the woman.
He came back and told us it wasnt harassment, that my husband was totally in the wrong and being unreasonable, 
we had told him we didnt want any of his possessions back but the policeman said he had to collect them because she couldnt dispose of a motorbike legally even if we didnt want it.
The police told us he had to contact her solicitor and that although she had admitted chasing him for closure he didnt feel it was harassment because it was reasonable.
The police said to expect a letter in the post from her solicitor as the ex had said it had been sent.

I dont know what to think any more. could she have lied to the police?


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

She is a woman scorned.


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## Ali67 (Aug 7, 2011)

The letter has arrived today, Everything the woman has previously said is backed up with evidence, correspondence from my husband, the fact that he did take the childrens items that I had to return, the money he owes her. We can apply to get it.
My husbnad doesnt want his possessions and the motorbike which I must admit is a little odd

Shes even funding this herself because she cant get legal aid and shes disabled on benefits. Something tells me that she wouldnt do that unless she was in the right.
My husband still insists shes lying, now Im caught between believing her and being disloyal to my husband, which means hes lied or believing him and I am still confused.
he always takes control. and I go with it as it makes sense
Im stuck however with the knowledge that he still has the keys to her home, and her solicitor has written to say that if hes moved on why does he still have them.


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## Kevan (Mar 28, 2011)

His ex has evidence and appears to be acting reasonably and consistently, while your husband's story remains that she is lying, and he cannot explain issues such as his retaining the keys. 

Based on what you have said here, I believe that you must come to terms that you made a mistake in marrying him, take steps to protect yourself, and leave. I'm sorry.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I think you have to face facts. Is she a woman scorned or a woman that he walked out on with no warning. Not only that but he took items from children that did not belong to him and kept them when he could have easily returned them. He also left owing a sick woman money that he could have paid. He walked away so precipitously that he left his stuff behind. 

The thing is he could easily have taken care of these things before he got involved with you or at lest when this cropped up after the marriage. Instead he chose to decieve you about the facts and is still lying. Given these facts, you have to reassess your thoughts about what a nice guy he is. Maybe he is nice for a while until he is not. He seems to handle problems by walking away from them and ignoring them. don't think that you will not be in for the same trreatment, the best predictor of the future is the past.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ali67 (Aug 7, 2011)

well it looks like it has blown over. The ex hasnt contacted me again as she was warned that shne could be in serious trouble and although she hasnt comitted a crime, i think she must be scared not to.
my husband is ignoring the solicitors letter because it says that if he didnt communicate it will be taken that she can dispose of is things legally
He says she wont take him to court as she doesnt need the stress and he says her illness is worsened by stress and her friend did say that another stressful event could kill her.
My husband says she will back down if pushed.
so yes I hear your concerns but he has been nothing but a gentleman. i think this woman has really pushed his buttons and anyone would react like he has if you are pushed!


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