# Some advice for a UK friend please !



## Lookingforward (Jun 7, 2012)

So after lurking for 9 weeks, it’s my turn to look for some advice. 

Background – My wife and I have been together for 10 years and married for just under 3 years. We have a 6 year old and a 3 year old. We have been together since she was 18 and I was 23. We had a very happy lifestyle, affluent, with my wife a stay at home mother since my first child, a nice house, car and the holidays etc. Few arguments but one similar one since the day we got together which was her need to stay out late, she has the gene that once she has had a few drinks she will want to party all night and we have often had words when I want to go home @ say 1am and she wants to stay out. After reading Divorce Buster and a couple of others I now realise we had also become co-dependent as well, I always thought it was a good thing to be so invested in one another but realise now you need to keep your independence too. The vast majority of our free time was about the children although we did socialise a lot as well, dinners, parties in the evenings etc.

The Break up – So 9 weeks ago we complete on a new house purchase (a house which needs a lot of work but would become our dream home in a brilliant location), the following day my wife goes out to a dinner which I decided I didn’t want to go to due to visiting relatives. Instead of coming home after the dinner she stays out till the very early hours, we have an argument the following day and I get the ILYBNILY talk, definitely no-one else involved, sex has become an effort, you’re like a brother etc etc etc. I immediately move into the new house and she remains at the old family home. I have the children 3 nights a week and she has them 4. No begging, no needfulness. We have only ever broken up once before about two years ago over the same argument, I was a mess for 6 days then she said she was being silly and she knew she loved me and we got back together so I sort of thought this time would be the same and had more strength. 

The aftermath – I immediately buy several books and for 2 weeks try to persuade her that we have got far too many good points to lose. After this period I realise she is fully emotional shut down to me and start 180. Four weeks in she comes to my office to talk about arrangements etc and then blurts out that her and my friend ‘may’ have feelings for each other. I ask her to leave my office. 

The OM – The other man (a friend) used to go out with my wife when she was 16 and he was 18, he went off travelling and they broke up, he has remained in our social circle having different girlfriends and a fiancé up to 6 months ago. He has no children and I have never considered him a threat. We have a large but close group of social friends. The OM and I are very similar characters, in looks, what we earn, he is more carefree than me. He is basically a ‘bachelor’ version of me whereas I am the ‘family’ version, still up for fun but we are parents, responsibilities etc. 

Their relationship – She says that out of respect neither will act on their feelings since there are children involved etc etc. My wife finds a new house (rental) and has moved in last week. 

Making Public and Divorce – As soon as she told me about OM I immediately started to tell my friends and family (who were all aghast) and started divorce proceedings in the hope he would run away and she would come out of the ‘fog’.

The Text message – Two weeks ago I receive a text which was meant for him, it is clear from the text that they are in contact with each other and seeing one another, at this point I think still EA although I can’t be positive. I reply to text to ‘delete my number’, she apologises for ‘being such an idiot’ sending it to me, once again I make it public that they are carrying on together now deceitfully. We live in a small town and are well known and to say that 99% of our friends / family found the whole situation unbelievable is an understatement.

Their public outing – At the weekend they decide to go out together to two places where we are all well known, I speak to her the next day and say she is acting disrespectfully toward me, our children and our families to be seen out together after just 8 weeks separation. 

Introducing the children – At the same time I bring up that I do NOT want the children introduced yet as it’s too early in my opinion. She replies that they’ve already discussed it and for the moment he’ll be a ‘friend’. I once again say that it’s still too early.

Tuesday just gone – So I pick up my children and my son says did I know mummy’s friend ‘XXX’, he came round mummy’s new house with some sweets and they all (the four of them) watched a DVD together. 9 WEEKS AGO THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN ME!
To say that I have been surprised by my wife’s behaviour is a huge understatement, had she been told this story by someone else a few months ago she would have been disgusted. She has always had very high morals and is a family person through and through or was.

WHAT NOW – So I have been forced to deal with all the dilemmas and nightmares of a family break up that I didn’t expect. The elation of my new found freedom and the black hole of losing my family, a new man in my children’s life in just 9 weeks. I have publicised it and the OM friends have all told him what an arsehole he is being and he has no morals but still they move ahead and believe that they are in love. 
I have been NC for the last four weeks or as NC as you can be when so many things still need sorting out, she signed the divorce papers yesterday. If I’m truthful they are welcome to each other, I am a young man in a fortunate financial position and she is not irreplaceable. To be honest it’s more anger and hurt that I have felt over how inconsiderate they have been rather than me wanting my old family life back. Family life can be mundane and I realise that a stay at home’s mother life can be very tedious. 
I am at a point where I can honestly say good luck to them both, I have no further ammo to try and win her back and to be honest I don’t want her the way she has treated me. I’m obviously hopeful their relationship doesn’t work after the pain they have put me and my children/families through and that she has to live to regret the decision she has made. 

I am open to all comments but essentially would like to know what will put more pressure on their relationship? 

Should I:
A: Remain cold and NC, basically delete her from my life, bearing in mind we have two small children so will have to act respectfully.
OR
B: Say good luck to you both, be amicable and friendly and act/show her my life will be better without her and that I will always be around.
OR
C: ? ? ?

(I have yet to speak/see the OM, he works away and has contacted me by phone but I didn’t answer while I decide my next path)

Thanks for reading / posting


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

What is it that you really want? Do you want to put pressure on their relationship to break them up so you can have her back or are you genuinely thinking that you don't want her back?

I'm thinking that if he really is Mr Bachelor it won't take too long before the novelty of family life wears off to be honest

And why is he contacting you? He's got some front hasn't he? I wouldn't engage him in any way, speak to her about the kids and the legalities only and maintain your dignity my fellow UK friend, sounds like she's the one with everything to lose here

Make sure you get the access to the kids you want and then go as dark as you can


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Affair relationships have a marginal chance of success. You say the guy is more care free with no commitments in his life. Once reality sinks in i.e they move in together,become responsible for the household, presence of children etc I don't think he'll stick around for too long. Certainly he isn't going to sacrifice his freedom to take care of another man's children let alone be in a committed relationship with a cheater.

Remain NC, don't give your "blessings" to their affair.


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## BettyBoop (Apr 2, 2012)

Hey Lookingforward, So sorry you are here I know you are going through a lot of pain but you are in the right place. Lots and lots of people here with lots of wisdom. Good luck to you and the children. 
Betty


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

You wrote "she signed the divorce papers yesterday"

That is your answer. She wants out -- can you prove infidelity as the cause? Just had someone post from UK that there is a 6 month time period to file. I am pretty sure that their relatiosnhip has gone PA -- even though she tells you they are just friends.

I would sign the papers -- and move on. You both met and married young -- and now instead of working out the issues in the marriage -- she wants to bale.

You can't change her mind -- she is in "love". My guess is that their relationship won't last long -- but then I ask will you be able to forgive her for what she has done to you and the kids.

Work on being a better you, eat, exercise, dress sharp -- be a great dad. Let her see what she lost -- and don't jump into another relationship till you are sure you are over her -- because you will just hurt that woman and yourself.

Wishing you and the kids the best.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Option A

And protect yourself financially. Don't believe a word she says. Quite possible that they had been having the affair for quite longer that you knew. 

And you might have to come to the realization that she settled and married you for the lifestyle you might provide when her first love left her

And does she get half your money in the divorce? In U.S, you need to be married for atleast 10 years, then you get half of your spouse's money. Is there a similar law in U.K? 

Vanessa Bryant Wisely Waited 10 Years to Divorce Lakers Kobe Bryant


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

For your own good you need to put this chapter in your life to bed. Put positive things into your life, many, many activities. Make yourself so busy that your mind won't wonder one bit. Good luck


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> She has always had very high morals


Really? You think?

This might only be the tip of a rather nasty iceberg. 

Investigate, ask around. You might find people now willing to tell you previous stuff that they hadn't wanted to tell you at the time.

That's not always the case, but in many situations like yours, it can be shocking what comes out of the woodwork.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Complexity said:


> Affair relationships have a marginal chance of success. You say the guy is more care free with no commitments in his life. Once reality sinks in i.e they move in together,become responsible for the household, presence of children etc I don't think he'll stick around for too long. Certainly he isn't going to sacrifice his freedom to take care of another man's children let alone be in a committed relationship with a cheater.
> 
> Remain NC, don't give your "blessings" to their affair.


As long as they are another man's children. Sorry to raise this subject but so many crazy things happen.

DNA tests might be in order if only to stop the ex-wife from pretending the children are not yours, OP.


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## Lookingforward (Jun 7, 2012)

Thanks for all the replies so far :

'Remain NC, don't give your "blessings" to their affair' - That's good advice, I hadn't looked at it like that. 

a: What is it that you really want? Do you want to put pressure on their relationship to break them up so you can have her back or are you genuinely thinking that you don't want her back?

To be honest when I look at our problems, they are more to do with her rather than me, I have spent 10 years trying to do the best for her and the children and think I can confidently say that I wouldn't want her back HOWEVER I would like to put pressure on their relationship in the hope of it breaking up because of the pain they have caused me. 

'Work on being a better you, eat, exercise, dress sharp' - Good advice and the route I have taken.

In regard to finances, I have agreed a lump sum and monthly payments, this is one of the reasons I petitioned so quickly as in the UK the financial order cannot be made till divorce is dealt with and that was the last area where she could hurt me more. 

No problems where the children are concerned, they are 100% mine and clearly have my features, I know I'm painting a poor picture of her (rightly so!) but she has for the last 10 years been a good, loving wife/partner. 

Her quest seems to be more that at the age of 28, 'is this it ?', 'What happens when the children leave home'. Weirdly enough just a few weeks before the break up she was asking if we should have a 3rd child. 

She has many friends who have yet to have children and I think she wants the best of both worlds, to have her freedom but with the children.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Lookingforward said:


> To be honest when I look at our problems, they are more to do with her rather than me, I have spent 10 years trying to do the best for her and the children and think I can confidently say that I wouldn't want her back HOWEVER I would like to put pressure on their relationship in the hope of it breaking up because of the pain they have caused me.
> 
> She has many friends who have yet to have children and I think she wants the best of both worlds, to have her freedom but with the children.


Their relationship will break up on its own, don't try and break them up out of revenge or to be spiteful, it just makes you look petty and you should be dignified. If you bring yourself down to that level she won't regret leaving you and that's what you should be aiming for if you really want to make her feel bad 

funny how people can't see the bigger picture - I had a baby at 21 and she was about 12 or 13 before any of my friends had kids

and now she's nearly 16 and I'll be independent by the time I'm 40 and they are all dealing with babies and toddlers. They are all envious of ME ha ha

what happens when the kids leave home? ANYTHING YOU WANT! :smthumbup:


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## Lookingforward (Jun 7, 2012)

Thanks and that's sort of my conundrum, 

a: If I stay NC and dark then I appear bitter and unable to move on. Her friends and my friends are very interlinked. We now live less than 0.5mile apart, her brother is my best friend etc etc so we will see each other quite a lot regardless and I want her to see me move on. 
b: However if I am amicable, polite etc than I am giving my blessing to the affair.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I'll give you a very solid stat.---97% of all A. Hook-ups FAIL

She is not thinking down the line---since she is a stay at home---what is she gonna do for finances---she is gonna have to work one, maybe two jobs---if she is capable of even getting a job----her lover you said is kind of a wanderlust, so he isn't gonna really wanna settle in to family life---which he is going to forced into, as she has children, and a home---all those things have to be taken care of----he will be out of there, the 1st time any great amount of reality hits him and stresses him out---

As to her wanting to play till the wee small hours, that will take its toll---eventually you have to hope she will slow down, if not, its her life, and her body she is destroying

If you live in a small population center, once her lover leaves----what is she gonna do---I'll tell you, she will bounce from one bum to the next---if her new relationship doesn't make it, she will end up with a string of losers, guys who want sex only, guys who will wanna let her feed them, crazies, possible criminals, guys with diseases, druggies----once one gets older, the really good/solid/supportive, marriage partners, dwindle considerably----this is what is in store for her---she doesn't see it now---but I promise you, she will live to regret what she has done, and she will regret it everyday of her life.

Just keep her at arms length, be civil, and no more, but do make sure of one thing---that any guy she does bring around YOUR KIDS, does not cause problems for those kids----for that definitely can/does happen.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Mori---I see you ain't sleeping tonight either------there are nights, and there are nights----you be good


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Lookingforward said:


> Thanks and that's sort of my conundrum,
> 
> a: If I stay NC and dark then I appear bitter and unable to move on. Her friends and my friends are very interlinked. We now live less than 0.5mile apart, her brother is my best friend etc etc so we will see each other quite a lot regardless and I want her to see me move on.
> b: However if I am amicable, polite etc than I am giving my blessing to the affair.


Then let her know how unhappy you are with the situation, but tell her you will financially support the children, but that you hope people who know you both will not misunderstand and think you are condoning her lifestyle choice and that they hope they will not think that you are a cuckold.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Lookingforward said:


> Thanks and that's sort of my conundrum,
> 
> a: If I stay NC and dark then I appear bitter and unable to move on. Her friends and my friends are very interlinked. We now live less than 0.5mile apart, her brother is my best friend etc etc so we will see each other quite a lot regardless and I want her to see me move on.
> b: However if I am amicable, polite etc than I am giving my blessing to the affair.


Hi LF:

If you follow A and B -- you are looking strong and confident. Tell her DO NOT contact you unless it is about the kids. You can be amicable -- and I would do this for the kids sake. The kids will need you both in their life -- better for them to have two parents who can co-parent successfully. Co-parent does not mean be friends. If she says she wants to be friends - tell her friends DO NOT hurt other friends.

Hopefully her brother and you will remain friends. You both may have to find a new level of friendship since it is his sister -- but I think you will be okay.

Just don't ever do something to her or OM that will get you arrested. Your kids will need you more now than ever. Look after and have fun for yourself and kids -- and my advice is don't jump into another relationship till your wounds are healed and you are ready. It wouldn't be right for YOU or for the NEW woman.

Since you want a divorce instead of R -- then there is no need for you to be in any part of her life other than to co-parent the kids. Maybe one day she will regret her decision to leave -- maybe NOT -- but right now she is back to being 16 and there is nothing you can do to change her mind.

Take Care

Cheers !!


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## Lookingforward (Jun 7, 2012)

Thanks JH they are wise words, I understand she and he are in the 'fog', just hate the fact that they can move forward together while I must move forward on my own but that's life.

It's almost as if he has stolen my life and now I must build a new one. 

These actions would remain the same whether I wanted D or R wouldn't they ?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Lookingforward said:


> Thanks JH they are wise words, I understand she and he are in the 'fog', just hate the fact that they can move forward together while I must move forward on my own but that's life.
> 
> It's almost as if he has stolen my life and now I must build a new one.
> 
> These actions would remain the same whether I wanted D or R wouldn't they ?


Yes, sadly they would.

It's a kick in the guts when you realise the one you love can do this to you, without apparently one thought for how this will hurt you or your children.

But you are right, sometimes we need to build a new life, without them.

It's like you are on a sail boat and your spouse decides to jump overboard and swim away. You throw them a lifeline, a lifejacket and launch a dingy for them, but if they insist on swimming away, then all you can do is to continue sailing without them.

Eventually they might discover the water is full of sharks, and that they are wet and cold, but that's what happens when they go overboard.


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## Lookingforward (Jun 7, 2012)

Its the children that are the kicker, we have the most beautiful 6yr old and 3yr old boy and girl, they are quite obviously my children and we are well known in our town as a family. Just can't comprehend watching him behave as a step-dad toward them. If you knew how small our area was you'd think the same but I guess people will just accept it as I shall also be forced to.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Lookingforward said:


> Its the children that are the kicker, we have the most beautiful 6yr old and 3yr old boy and girl, they are quite obviously my children and we are well known in our town as a family. Just can't comprehend watching him behave as a step-dad toward them. If you knew how small our area was you'd think the same but I guess people will just accept it as I shall also be forced to.


The OM will never - ever -- be their dad/father. Look at it this way -- some day you will meet another woman -- hopefully fall in love and get married -- she will become part of their life -- but she will never be their mum !!

That's why good co-parenting is important. 

You are also assuming the OM will stick around. He ran away the last time -- and once the fog lifts and your exw has the kids on her days/nights -- all the so called fun with just your ex will be gone. He just won't have her. Again -- the situation suc%s -- but it is what it is and you just have to make the best of a bad situation. We have a saying -- when life hands you lemons -- make lemonade.

Cheers!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jh52 said:


> The OM will never - ever -- be their dad/father. Look at it this way -- some day you will meet another woman -- hopefully fall in love and get married -- she will become part of their life -- but she will never be their mum !!
> 
> That's why good co-parenting is important.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Someone gave the "When life hands you lemons..." talk to a friend not long ago. His response was: "Bo**ocks to that! I just want to take the ****ing lemons and smash them into their face!"


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Option A.

Their relationship is already doomed to fail, so sit back, grab a popcorn and watch them crash and burn.


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## Lookingforward (Jun 7, 2012)

For all the wrong reasons you put a smile on my face ! I know I need to reach a point where I don't care whether they make it or not but right now the cuts are too deep.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Lookingforward said:


> For all the wrong reasons you put a smile on my face ! I know I need to reach a point where I don't care whether they make it or not but right now the cuts are too deep.


LF -- This is not going to be easy. We are just here to share ideas and offer suggestions --- the tough part has to come from you as you have to perform the actions. Seems like you have a good sense of humor -- keep that throughout. Show everyone you can be the better person -- walk around happy with a smile -- even though deep down you feel like you can't breathe. This will pass -- and another old saying (sorry about that) is that it will get better with time.

Cheers !!


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Yep it sucks and hurts, but it will gradually fade away and one day you'll wake up with a hotter woman next you.

In the mean time be the best dad you can for your kids.


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## Lookingforward (Jun 7, 2012)

Thanks all, you've helped me through a tough day today.

Have spent the last two days finishing clearing the family home out (I am now at the home we bought for the family and she is in rented a few roads down from me). 

Had to see 'her' this morning to collect keys and my daughter was at the top of the stairs in her new house, I couldn't even go through the front door knowing soon she'll be there with the OM. 

Hurt me so much more than I thought it would, funny how one minute you can be top of the world and over it all and one trigger can send you down to the abyss. I'm so glad I started this thread, in less than a day its already been a great help.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

And we are, of course, here for you. I have been on the board all day today as our plans for a romantic meal out were washed out.

Well, OK, a burger meal offer at the nearest Wetherspoons might not be the height of romantic dining for some, but it's the thought that counts, right?

My thought involved a pint of IPA, a burger, walking my wife to work and then coming back home for a spot of DIY, before meeting my wife from work and walking home with her. 

I'll get to meet her from work, but the lunch is for another day!


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## I R Baboon (Jun 8, 2012)

Mate, I'm sorry about your situation. But I agree with Keko, just have fun with the kids for now. I just dumped my girl 9 weeks ago been hanging around this forum since. The first 2-3 weeks are friggin painful. I went on anti-depressants for 2 weeks. But its been good since, started hanging out with my mates ever since, don't have no kids so don't have to worry about it.

But you be strong mate, for your kids and for yourself. I wager pretty soon you'll either end up taking the highroad with her or you'll be a freeman( i support this) breaking hearts all over town

Cheers


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## Lookingforward (Jun 7, 2012)

A major positive out of this is the realisation of just how codependent I had become. 

Connecting with old friends and meeting new people has been a great experience, I had definitely given up my individuality.

Having 'connections' with others before felt a bit like I was cheating on her. 

It's these moments of clarity and the fact that one day (maybe 1 month, 1 year) I will be standing in their company and watch her get blind drunk and have the happy thought of 'that's not my responsibility anymore', I look forward to shaking the OM's hand then and walking away smiling.


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## I R Baboon (Jun 8, 2012)

You know what they say " The best revenge you can take on a man who steals your wife/gf/b*tch is to let him have her".


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yikes! Nearly forgot the DIY jobs!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

All done! Cool! I have been a good husband, today!:smthumbup:


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Lookingforward said:


> A major positive out of this is the realisation of just how codependent I had become.
> 
> Connecting with old friends and meeting new people has been a great experience, I had definitely given up my individuality.
> 
> ...


Thats is a great fu**ing attitude. Do not ever lose the thoughts above.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

I R Baboon said:


> You know what they say " The best revenge you can take on a man who steals your wife/gf/b*tch is to let him have her".


Very true !!!!!:smthumbup:


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

One of the most effective personal recovery actions for a betrayed spouse has been contacting the AP in front of the cheating spouse and telling him/her to come pick up him/her up.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Mori-------That definitely would/should be given as good advice, on how BS, should/would deal with a cheating spouse that continues to contact lover, or fight agst. the mge.


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