# Still contact w/ emotional affair dude



## Mattie J (Sep 1, 2009)

I just discovered this morning that my wife has created an alias with Mafia Wars on facebook and is again friends with this guy that she was having an emotional affair with back in May (see my other posts if interested in the background). I intend to confront her this evening about it. I hate not having to trust her but my intuition has proven to be very reliable. Trust your intuition! It is different than being paranoid. It is a very real "gut" feeling that something isn't right. She was telling me just last night about this Mafia Wars bit and how people create aliases and that there is a whole additional friend network associated with it, and low and behold my gut again had this feeling because she spends so much time on it and when I checked the guy's friends list her alias was on it, and he would never would have known this unless she had contacted him first to tell him that this was her. I just hate all this behind-my-back activity, it really isn't respectful of me whatsoever! I don't deserve to be treated this way and I feel like I have been very patient with her. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take because I feel like I'm being walked on. Worst part is we have two young girls together and I do not want to do anything that will upend their world. I'm very old-fashioned and believe in the sanctity of marriage. Divorce is not a word I ever wish to use in my vocabulary. I'm willing to work this out, but apparently my wife has very little respect for me and she obviously thinks I'm an idiot still. I'll be interested in what her response will be tonight...


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Okay take a deep breath, I'm in the same situation, my husband's OW used an alias for his name on her phone, "Mr Miley" Her husband finally figured it out and told me of their affair. That was in Nov. 
Remember you have two little girls to think of, can you wait until after the holidays, maybe do a little more snooping and see what you can find before you approach her....
You think like I do, the whole thing is disrespectful and uncaring. 
To me it's something they do with the knowledge of what it will do to their partners and they seem to be alright with that. This is what hurts the most. How could we have meant so little to them and the new person they have only know for a little while mean so much more......I had a gut feeling as well, I think you just know. my husband texted his OW 3000 times in a 3 month period, phone records, if they put all that time and effort into us maybe things wouldn't be this way in the marriage......
Think about the girls and the timing of this and keep us posted and vent here if you have to .......
good luck


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## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

I guess it is going around...I too am in the same situation and struggling with myself to try to figure out 1. why I am still around (as I am not married nor do I have any kids) 2. how can I make it stop/how will know if/when it ends 3. how do I stop reliving what I know in my head. It eats at me constantly. 

However, I too would suggest try to stick it out through the holidays (may not want to look for anything else right now-it will only fuel the flame)...but then start after the holidays to see what other of your instincts are correct. Approach her about it all and see if you can trust her response. I think it is most difficult to understand why they do it-and really I don't know that they really know. I mean I understand just falling into an emotional relationship (because you have friends and then it just seems to get too close for comfort), but when you know that the other person knows and/or that it has gotten to the point that it would be absolutely hurtful/devastating, why do they continue? 

Do you trust her otherwise? It sounds like you do (to not associate the fact that it would physical as well)--if so, maybe you can speak openly and hopefully honestly and work through it. If you don't feel you can trust her when you approach her, I would make your list of things that hurt so you don't get sidetracked with emotion/filtering out the lies to cover up the deceit so that you can stay focused and not become emotionally overwhelmed when you try to talk to her. 

It is heartwretching to try to survive an emotional affair (to me) because you never know if/when it is actually over. You may want to try couples/family counseling with a counselor that is pro-marriage. Best of luck to you...I hope things work out.

Oh side bar...part of what guilted my bf to tell me about his emotional affair (truthfully when I asked about it) was I had a conversation with him (before I told him my feelings and what I knew) and asked him to define cheating (I set it up as if my co-workers and I were talking and came up with this list of things that people disagreed on regarding fidelity in relationships)..then by the time I asked him about it, he had thought about his actions beforehand...

"Questions for you...

1. Do you believe in emotional cheating?
2. Do you believe cheating is only phyiscal?
3. At what point is someone considered cheating?

We are having a discussion in the office/lunch (for some) and we are all at different crossroads...I'd be interesting to hear your opinion.

Examples that came up:
* going out/hanging out with person of interest (one-on-one)
* sex messages/text messages/provacative/"friendly" e-mails/chats being sent
* sexually explicit/erotic photos being sent
* internet/friend-to-friend hook ups
* early morning/late night calls
* overly flirtatious attitude/talking 
* going to persons home after certain time
* pet names 
* of course the physical aspect (concensus is that kissing, anal, oral and vaginal sex are all definitely phyiscal cheating)"

fyi: i actually did send this to a few different people (including hjm) and everyone basically said what we already know...which is if I'm doing it then it is not cheating, but if it is happening to me, then it is all cheating (for the most part)...in other words, it is all cheating! and hurtful!


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## Mattie J (Sep 1, 2009)

Thank you two for your input. Fortunately, this guy lives 1,000 miles away so the likelihood of this turning physical is nearly nil, however this was my wife's very first boyfriend and they got reacquainted on facebook (they did not have an intimate relationship). I'm not the jealous type and she even told me when they first corresponded and I was OK with it, no reason not to trust her. Unfortunately things got totally out of hand and the emails became extremely sexually charged. This was totally inappropriate and I felt very hurt because my wife never in our 12 years of marriage ever had such discussions with me, although I would have longed for them. I'm not an insecure guy by nature, have no reason to be. She, on the other hand, has a somewhat low image of herself and is very self-conscious about her appearance and age (she's 45, I'm 41). I try not to ever comment about it, but encourage her to get more active in order for her to feel better about herself instead of just complaining about it. She intends to do this after her surgery this coming Tuesday, which brings up my next dilemma. It is very hard for me to act like I don't know anything (essentially lie) about what I know and act like nothing's wrong. She is having a hysterectomy next week that will be putting her down for a couple of weeks. On top of that, her job as a contractor with a big bank in town is ending tomorrow, so she will be out of a job for a while to boot. These things do nothing for self-esteem and she is going to have a lot of time on her hands and I'm concerned that this emotional affair is going to be rekindled. I do not want to sit back and let this happen again. At the same time I do not want to put any undue stress on her, especially with all that is happening in the next two weeks. However, it is extremely hard for me to sit back and act like nothing is bothering me, I'm just not well practiced at being deceitful!! I'm walking a fine line here of trying to do the best I can to help her but also address our marriage issues. Counseling is an excellent idea and I'm all for it. I think it's something we can pursue, especially if she is going to be out of work for a while, although I doubt that my insurance will cover the cost, although that doesn't really matter to me. The bottom line is she agreed to come to me if there was any future issues and she has apparently failed to do this. I know she is not completely happy with me and I'm trying to identify what I can do to improve myself (like trying to be more positive), but let's face it, that can be hard to do when you're carrying this burden.

Thank you again for your thoughts, I appreciate them and I know I'm not alone. Social networks like facebook and Mafia Wars can be very damaging if not handled responsibly. I have not personally approached the guy she has been corresponding with (electronically of course through facebook), but I have been considering it as well. He's married with children and he should also know better. I doubt his wife has any idea about this and I feel bad for her although I have never met her.


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## Mattie J (Sep 1, 2009)

*Answers to your questions:*

1. Do you believe in emotional cheating? *I do believe in it, but I don't think it carries the same weight as the physical affair.*
2. Do you believe cheating is only phyiscal? *No, but again, the physical affair is definitely taking things to the next level and totally disregarding the sanctity of marriage.*
3. At what point is someone considered cheating? *This is a tough question and I think open to each individual's circumstances.*

We are having a discussion in the office/lunch (for some) and we are all at different crossroads...I'd be interesting to hear your opinion.

Examples that came up:
* going out/hanging out with person of interest (one-on-one)*I don't think this is cheating is each party conducts themselves appropriately. My wife has had lunch several times with members of the opposite sex.*
* sex messages/text messages/provacative/"friendly" e-mails/chats being sent*I don't think this is appropriate. If you don't feel comfortable having your mate read such messages over your shoulder, then they are probably inappropriate*
* sexually explicit/erotic photos being sent*I definitely believe this is out-of-bounds, should be reserved for marriage mates only*
* internet/friend-to-friend hook ups*Again, friends are one thing, crossing over into different boundaries is another *
* early morning/late night calls*I don't think this is appropriate either*
* overly flirtatious attitude/talking *Can be dangerous and lead to something more*
* going to persons home after certain time*Again, can be inappropriate if there is any "tension" between the parties*
* pet names *I think this can be considered harmless*
* of course the physical aspect (concensus is that kissing, anal, oral and vaginal sex are all definitely phyiscal cheating)"*Funny thing, in one of my wife's correspondences with this guy she stated that she wouldn't be upset with me if se found out I had been kissing on another woman, in fact she suspected that I may have since I travelled extensively on business. Of course I have never done this and I would consider this inappropriate to be sure. I could excuse this behavior but I wouldn't want it repeated*


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## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

gah...my wife had an EA also, with an online friend she has known for a few years. The past year she spent a stupid amount of time online with him, and honestly I never cared unless it meant time/attention/feelings being taken away from me. When that started happening about 6 months ago I asked her directly if something was up with this guy, and that my feeelings are hurt that he gets time/attention that she doesn't give me. She said nothings up with him, continued to give him that time/attn. 

I find an email from her to him (only a single email like this in the course of many months though god only knows what is said in chat) in which she tells him how she feels about him. "I dream of standing beside you, snuggling up to your chest...my mind has made you into a mate.... etc etc" this was from the last week in september. Ok, we talk about it and seeem to deal with it well, but now I am having second thoughts. She agreed to not talk to the guy for 3 months while her and I sort things out. It was a one sided affair, he didn't share her feelings (at least that is what he says in emails to her that I wasn't supposed to seee) and it was during a period where I had said f it and was ingoring her. Now I am dreading her talking to him again. I am afraid to tell her that she has to choose to either never talk to him again or never talk to me again. 

She also had an EA with some idiot on Mafia Wars, which really I don't care about because she was very upfront about it to me, and has agreed to deactivate fb and never talk to the guy again. 

Personally, I would rather her had a one night stand with some anonymous std free person. I could tolerate that much easier than this. 

To me, the cheating is about dishonesty and giving someone else what I am not getting. Example- if we had sex every night forever, got along well etc. and she said she was going to have a one night stand with some anonymous guy, and then went and did it and never talked to him again and was totally honest about the whole thing...I would be a little hurt, but not crushed and could actually deal with it pretty easily.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

MJ,
You may perhaps have lost sight of something. If your wife totally believes you won't ever speak the D word - she gets to treat you as bad as she wants. 

My marriage is the most valuable thing in my life - and my wife feels the same way. But if she was doing this type stuff we would be in serious MC - maybe separated. Eventually divorced. Sexually charged emails with other men. TOTALLY unacceptable. 



Mattie J said:


> Thank you two for your input. Fortunately, this guy lives 1,000 miles away so the likelihood of this turning physical is nearly nil, however this was my wife's very first boyfriend and they got reacquainted on facebook (they did not have an intimate relationship). I'm not the jealous type and she even told me when they first corresponded and I was OK with it, no reason not to trust her. Unfortunately things got totally out of hand and the emails became extremely sexually charged. This was totally inappropriate and I felt very hurt because my wife never in our 12 years of marriage ever had such discussions with me, although I would have longed for them. I'm not an insecure guy by nature, have no reason to be. She, on the other hand, has a somewhat low image of herself and is very self-conscious about her appearance and age (she's 45, I'm 41). I try not to ever comment about it, but encourage her to get more active in order for her to feel better about herself instead of just complaining about it. She intends to do this after her surgery this coming Tuesday, which brings up my next dilemma. It is very hard for me to act like I don't know anything (essentially lie) about what I know and act like nothing's wrong. She is having a hysterectomy next week that will be putting her down for a couple of weeks. On top of that, her job as a contractor with a big bank in town is ending tomorrow, so she will be out of a job for a while to boot. These things do nothing for self-esteem and she is going to have a lot of time on her hands and I'm concerned that this emotional affair is going to be rekindled. I do not want to sit back and let this happen again. At the same time I do not want to put any undue stress on her, especially with all that is happening in the next two weeks. However, it is extremely hard for me to sit back and act like nothing is bothering me, I'm just not well practiced at being deceitful!! I'm walking a fine line here of trying to do the best I can to help her but also address our marriage issues. Counseling is an excellent idea and I'm all for it. I think it's something we can pursue, especially if she is going to be out of work for a while, although I doubt that my insurance will cover the cost, although that doesn't really matter to me. The bottom line is she agreed to come to me if there was any future issues and she has apparently failed to do this. I know she is not completely happy with me and I'm trying to identify what I can do to improve myself (like trying to be more positive), but let's face it, that can be hard to do when you're carrying this burden.
> 
> Thank you again for your thoughts, I appreciate them and I know I'm not alone. Social networks like facebook and Mafia Wars can be very damaging if not handled responsibly. I have not personally approached the guy she has been corresponding with (electronically of course through facebook), but I have been considering it as well. He's married with children and he should also know better. I doubt his wife has any idea about this and I feel bad for her although I have never met her.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Mattie J said:


> I'm not the jealous type and she even told me when they first corresponded and I was OK with it, no reason not to trust her. Unfortunately things got totally out of hand and the emails became extremely sexually charged. This was totally inappropriate and I felt very hurt because my wife never in our 12 years of marriage ever had such discussions with me, although I would have longed for them.


There's your problem I think. If you aren't at least able to get a little jealous, it means you aren't really presenting as a sexual presence to her. I'm not saying you have to physically beat another guy that looks at her, but you have to at least appear like you are going to intercept her interest in other men. Even if you trusted her, you should know enough about the way things go to not trust him. 

You are also screwing up just sitting there "longing for sexually charged discussions" with your wife. You're the man. You're the one that's meant to start those discussions off. She responds to you.

In the absence of you acting a little ****y and sexually instigating with her, she probably just got sexually bored. Mafia Wars Guy probably just talked dirty to her and she lapped it up. Your wife is just like every other woman, she probably presents as a "good girl" as much as she can manage, but underneath that is a "dirty girl" that likes to play. This is a real need. _So play with her_.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

As a spouse you have the right to insist that any type of sexual relationship - even the email/chat type is ONLY with you. There is ONLY room in a marriage for 2 people. 

Once your partner violates your trust then you get to demand total transparency into their phone/computer etc. 

Mattie - you need to stand up for your marriage. 




Atholk said:


> There's your problem I think. If you aren't at least able to get a little jealous, it means you aren't really presenting as a sexual presence to her. I'm not saying you have to physically beat another guy that looks at her, but you have to at least appear like you are going to intercept her interest in other men. Even if you trusted her, you should know enough about the way things go to not trust him.
> 
> You are also screwing up just sitting there "longing for sexually charged discussions" with your wife. You're the man. You're the one that's meant to start those discussions off. She responds to you.
> 
> In the absence of you acting a little ****y and sexually instigating with her, she probably just got sexually bored. Mafia Wars Guy probably just talked dirty to her and she lapped it up. Your wife is just like every other woman, she probably presents as a "good girl" as much as she can manage, but underneath that is a "dirty girl" that likes to play. This is a real need. _So play with her_.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Atholk said:


> There's your problem I think. If you aren't at least able to get a little jealous, it means you aren't really presenting as a sexual presence to her. I'm not saying you have to physically beat another guy that looks at her, but you have to at least appear like you are going to intercept her interest in other men. Even if you trusted her, you should know enough about the way things go to not trust him.
> 
> You are also screwing up just sitting there "longing for sexually charged discussions" with your wife. You're the man. You're the one that's meant to start those discussions off. She responds to you.
> 
> In the absence of you acting a little ****y and sexually instigating with her, she probably just got sexually bored. Mafia Wars Guy probably just talked dirty to her and she lapped it up. Your wife is just like every other woman, she probably presents as a "good girl" as much as she can manage, but underneath that is a "dirty girl" that likes to play. This is a real need. _So play with her_.


This advice above is good. I will not add or take away from it but encourage all good men to read and read it again.

But let me say again, for the benefit of any good man that will listen: A woman will love a jealous man. Period. Take that to the bank.

Not being a jealous man over your woman? You may as well be giving her a note saying "you are not worth anything to me". 

Then also do not be surprised when you are facing the betraying of your woman with some other man.


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