# Jealousy: Good or Bad?



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I have a question for both men and women: is jealousy in a relationship a good or bad thing....in your opinion?

Are there positive forms of jealousy? 

In what marital situations do think some jealousy is appropriate and positive?

When is jealousy destructive and negative?

Is there a place in marriage or a committed relationship for jealousy?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Jealousy can be good or bad. It can be good in that a gut response to a situation may be a warning that there is reason for concern. If there is, then it was useful. If you feel jealousy and it's unfounded, based on your own insecurities, or continues after you've determined that it's unfounded, then it is unhealthy for you and the relationship.

Mostly, jealousy is typically based in fear - the fear that you will lose something of value (as such, it may or may not have anything to do with love). How you respond to that is key, IMO.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I think what some would call jealousy is really insistence on good boundaries. In that case it's good. 

When jealously fueled by insecurities causes one to push for boundaries that aren't reasonable then it becomes unhealthy.

Clearly the line is somewhat subjective.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Jealously is a good barometer of a marriage.

Each spouse [ideally] should strive to "guard" the other. Keep the other safe, keep the other close. Yes, keeping the other for yourself.

It is an "outward" form of caring, proves that you value the other person.

He/she is mine!

Excesses, notwithstanding, of course. 

Insecurities play a role, for sure. Most loving people want to feel secure in their loved ones. I do.

Anyone who is not jealous, in my opinion is too cool [for my comfort]. I like a women who will dig her nails in my arm....if my eyes stray!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I think jealousy can arise from two sources: self-respect or insecurity. The self-respect form can be positive if channeled appropriately. The insecurity-based jealousy is more problematic and harder to control I think.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> I think jealousy can arise from two sources: self-respect or insecurity. The self-respect form can be positive if channeled appropriately. The insecurity-based jealousy is more problematic and harder to control I think.


I agree. I also think when it's insecurity based there's nothing you can do as a partner to make it go away. 

If self respect is the driver then appropriate boundaries will make said partner happy. 

One driven by insecurity will never be happy.

My own example, which you may be familiar with, was my hb's ridiculous boundaries with his ex wife and her family. I won't threadjack with the ugly details, but lets just say they were ridiculous.

Some might claim I was driven by insecurity, but I disagree. What he was doing was inappropriate and rude, and I have self respect


Once we had it out and he put in place better boundaries I was happy. If I'd been driven by insecurity no doubt I'd find something else to be unhappy about.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I see jealousy as almost entirely bad. In a good relationship each person is confident of their partners attraction and affection. Each can trust the other completely so there is no cause for insecurity.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So, if you dont want your committed, exclusive BF or GF chatting with people of the opposite sex online, does that mean that you are jealous?. To me, this is setting boundaries and protecting the relationship. I guess I am trying to figure out what the definition of "jealous" actually is....


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## MovingFrwrd (Dec 22, 2015)

I think there is a natural tendency to get jealous if you see or hear something that causes you to feel threatened. Jealousy by it's definition is a negative emotion, however when you respond to negative emotions with positive actions, I see that as a good reaction.

I don't know if there's such a thing as a bad emotion, but there are definitely bad responses.

In a committed relationship, jealousy can be a spark that brings honest and thoughtful discussion. It can also lead to controlling, angry and manipulative behavior. The first is a good reaction, the second bad.

Does it have a place in a relationship? Whether you want it to or not, it does. We are all human.


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## megamuppet (Feb 13, 2017)

I suffer with insecurity. It very recent. I am almost 45 and its been for the last two years. It is not jealousy. I am not hateful towards the other women that my husband leers at when we are out together. They are beautiful in comparison to me. It makes me feel anxious and insecure though. I think there is a big difference between them tbh. And from my experience it is never good. Its very destructive and can ruin the very best of relationships. 

Sent from my SM-G920F using Tapatalk


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I basically equate jealousy with envy and in my younger, more formative years, it bothered the hell out of me much more than it ever does now!

If a person has more wealth than I do, not a problem; a prettier, more affable W or GF, not a problem, better vehicles or better homes, it doesn't phase me!

A wise old Methodist preacher said once in a sermon long ago, that when you get to heaven, not to bother to ask God what he's got in His billfold ~ you'd be surprised to know that it's considerably less than what anyone on Earth has! Thank God that wealth, jealousy, and envy are all purely Earthly attributes and not Heavenly ones!

Since that time, I've not really been all that bothered by what someone has possession of and of what I don't!

And all that I can say is thank God for that!*


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

In my case, jealousy is a sense of protectiveness of my partner and relationship. I see it as a positive.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> I agree. I also think when it's insecurity based there's nothing you can do as a partner to make it go away.
> 
> If self respect is the driver then appropriate boundaries will make said partner happy.
> 
> ...



I agree that there is a difference between jealousy and self respect but, like porn, everyone defines their own difference. 

I am familiar with your sitch Life, and in your case it was a question of what your gut instinct was telling you and what boundaries would be considered normal dealing with an exwife and children and ex in laws and trying to keep a big happy family for the sake of the kids. Your husband was walking that line awfully close but considering the other issues his line walking was out of bounds.

How does a person know if their definition of self respect and boundary setting has crossed the line into jealous controlling behavior? My personal answer is that if you must resort to jealous controlling behavior in order to feel secure in your partner's commitment to you, it's not a good relationship. We partner to make us stronger. We partner to give and gain assistance through life. But if that partnership requires constant surveillance it is not a good partnership.

If your spouse has been unfaithful, you shouldn't even attempt to reconcile unless you know that you will be able to trust them again, given enough time to heal and mend. But if you know you're going to be supervising and checking...don't bother to reconcile because the partnership is over and it is now ownership.

Edited to add:
I think a small amount of what many call jealousy, and others call boundary setting is good for a marriage. It shows commitment to the commitment. It shows that you're paying attention because this person is important to you. But more than that is too much.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *I basically equate jealousy with envy and in my younger, more formative years, it bothered the hell out of me much more than it ever does now!
> 
> If a person has more wealth than I do, not a problem; a prettier, more affable W or GF, not a problem, better vehicles or better homes, it doesn't phase me!
> 
> ...


But God describes Himself as a "jealous God".


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> In my case, jealousy is a sense of protectiveness of my partner and relationship. I see it as a positive.


*Bandito: Could you elaborate a little bit? I'm not adverse to this philosophy, in fact, it's somewhat opened my eyes; but I think that I might be able to go somewhere with this!*


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> But God describes Himself as a "jealous God".


*"Jealous" of all of His Children and their choice of either acceptance or rejection of His very presence!*


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I guess I think there are righteous forms of jealousy: such as a husband being jealous of a man hitting in his wife. That is a protective instinct. 

Then there is the unrighteous jealousy, or envy or maybe covetousness, where one spouse is jealous of the other spouse's career success or jealous of the spouse's ability to be social and make lots of friends, while he or she is a shy wallflower.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *Bandito: Could you elaborate a little bit? I'm not adverse to this philosophy, in fact, it's somewhat opened my eyes; but I think that I might be able to go somewhere with this!*


If there was a woman hitting in me at a party... blatantly coming on to me, I would expect my partner to be jealous. In fact I think I would be a bit disappointed if she was not, because that tells me she does not value me or the relationship as much as I would hope.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> I guess I think there are righteous forms of jealousy: such as a husband being jealous of a man hitting in his wife. That is a protective instinct.
> 
> Then there is the unrighteous jealousy, or envy or maybe covetousness, where one spouse is jealous of the other spouse's career success or jealous of the spouse's ability to be social and make lots of friends, while he or she is a shy wallflower.


* Thanks, Bandito! 

Jealousy in that she is supposed to be mine and nobody else's, just as I'm supposed to be hers and nobody else's!

The very same goes for the children that we are fortunate to bear! 

In both these instances, jealousy can definitely be "good!"

But I am never supposed to be jealous of any of her earthly attributes, just as she is never supposed to be jealous of mine!

But being the earthly inhabitants that we are, doing that might be a totally impossible task!*


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Well I then I guess for clarity sake, there needs to be a delineation between jealousy and covetousness. 

When I see my partner ogling a rock singer or a really cut, buff guy, I am going to experience a twinge of jealousy. I think that is healthy, because it is a real, honest reaction. It is my instinctive reaction to protect what I feel is mine. 

Covetousness or envy, I would say, would be if I were to want another man wife or possessions for myself. Or to want the professional career success my partner has, which would lead to resentment in the marriage.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

uhtred said:


> I see jealousy as almost entirely bad. In a good relationship each person is confident of their partners attraction and affection. Each can trust the other completely so there is no cause for insecurity.


I think this is a reckless mindset, but I respect where you are coming from.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I agree that there is a difference between jealousy and self respect but, like porn, everyone defines their own difference.
> 
> I am familiar with your sitch Life, and in your case it was a question of what your gut instinct was telling you and what boundaries would be considered normal dealing with an exwife and children and ex in laws and trying to keep a big happy family for the sake of the kids. Your husband was walking that line awfully close but considering the other issues his line walking was out of bounds.
> 
> ...



It's true that this boundary is subjective, though there are social norms that most of us would agree on. 

Keep in mind that in my situation there were no "children" that he had to walk a line for. His daughter was grown and many things he did in fact had nothing to do with her. They had to do with poor boundaries and an ex wife who got off on her perceived place in his life. To me, that has nothing to do with insecurities and everything to do with being disrespectful to your current partner.

Him hiring his ex wife to be the realtor when WE went house shopping because he didn't want to hurt her feelings (without discussing it with me, so **** my feelings ) had nothing to do with their grown daughter and everything to do with disrespecting our relationship. 

That isn't jealousy, that is disrespect.

To be honest in retrospect I probably should've called off the whole thing off when that happened, but we've since moved past it and the boundaries have been dealt with. If I ever have cause to date again and i see crappy boundaries with exes or anyone else I'm outta there.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

@lifeistooshort

Oops, apparently I didn't remember your sitch as accurately as I thought. I forgot about the ex's manipulation and the daughter's age... So yes, your husband was facing your boundaries not your jealousy.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its probably just the nature of my relationship, but if my wife decides she prefers someone to me, she is free to leave with my blessings.




bandit.45 said:


> I think this is a reckless mindset, but I respect where you are coming from.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

bandit.45 said:


> I have a question for both men and women: is jealousy in a relationship a good or bad thing....in your opinion?
> 
> Jealousy is a negative emotion that provides motivation to fix a perceived threat. In many cases, that can be a good thing.
> 
> ...


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Its probably just the nature of my relationship, but if my wife decides she prefers someone to me, she is free to leave with my blessings.


That's a personal boundary though. What if she did not make that decision but developed a friendship with another man who was attempting to romance her? You'd likely experience negative emotions designed to alert you to a perceived threat to your marriage.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> I have a question for both men and women: is jealousy in a relationship a good or bad thing....in your opinion?
> 
> Are there positive forms of jealousy?
> 
> ...


Jealousy is normal is there is a threat to the relationship. If its out of control and obsessive when there is no reason for it, it needs dealing with.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

I used to get jealous when I was younger - but I really don't feel it anymore. I think age and life experience corrects those irrational thoughts. I don't know....

Dare I say there is a part of me that gets turned on by him checking someone out...because it means he is still a very sexual person. Recently, we were out in the car and there was a woman with NO bra and huge boobs almost running to catch up to someone. They were nearly bouncing out of her top. My husband hit the curb. I was thinking she really, really needs to get a good bra.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

When I read on this forum about some guys wife texting another man and when she is challenged she tells her husband he is insecure and/or jealous I really get annoyed.That is not jealousy on his part it is simply creating boundaries.But it is highly disrespectful of her and I wouldn't put up with it.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I've had moments where my tail has twitched erratically. It has certainly been insecurity-driven on my part. He notices a mile off. And when I haven't been direct about my feelings he's cut to the chase that I have nothing to feel insecure about. He has little tolerance for it and I'm forced to face that side of myself. It's not that often. I've had women give praise about him when he's not around. I've shrugged it off with a laugh and said, 'Eh he's okay..' I have shared those compliments with him. Yeah, I know I've got a good man.

It's rare that he's displayed jealousy in that way. At a social gathering, he came back to the table and I introduced the guy talking to me. Afterwards we were reflecting on parts of the conversation, as it was interesting. He passed comment that it can take a lot for a guy to talk to a beautiful woman like me. I laughed, 'Whah?!' ...He nodded. There wasn't jealousy though. Pathetic as it sounds, I was left with the warm-fuzzy that he viewed me that way. If he felt someone was out-of-line, that's when his protectiveness emerges, but not derived from jealousy.

We've not experienced envy when the other shines bright... if anything, we encourage it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> I have a question for both men and women: is jealousy in a relationship a good or bad thing....in your opinion?
> 
> Are there positive forms of jealousy?
> 
> ...


Jealousy in and of itself isn't bad. It is simply the desire for something that is yours. 

Unfortunately, many folks have taken it to extremes and weird places.

Mrs. Conan and I have always been jealous of our relationship. She has exhibited more unhealthy aspects of it do to a greater feeling of insecurity than me.

Overall it has been good for us in that we never take each other for granted and have a healthy radar for potential threats.

She has made me aware of more than one predatory female that was flying below my radar and I have discouraged many would be paramours to her without her even knowing.

I think if there is a lack of any jealousy there is probably a lack of fire or passion.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> If there was a woman hitting in me at a party... blatantly coming on to me, I would expect my partner to be jealous. In fact I think I would be a bit disappointed if she was not, because that tells me she does not value me or the relationship as much as I would hope.


IMO, this is simply wrong thinking. My partner would not be jealous, because she knows me and trusts me - she knows I won't fall for it, and knows I can handle the person and any advances. That also shows respect for me, as well as confidence in herself, me and the relationship. She has nothing to fear, so does not give in to irrational jealousy.

This article may be useful:

7 Tips for Overcoming Jealousy in Relationships


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Married but Happy said:


> IMO, this is simply wrong thinking. My partner would not be jealous, because she knows me and trusts me - she knows I won't fall for it, and knows I can handle it. That also shows respect for me, as well as confidence in herself, me and the relationship. She has nothing to fear, so does not give in to irrational jealousy.
> 
> This article may be useful:
> 
> 7 Tips for Overcoming Jealousy in Relationships


Hummm, how many more people have I heard say that they trust their spouses. 
My husband is really easy going, and hasn't got a jealous bone in his body, but I would hope and expect that he would say something if I was with a man who was flirting even though he trusts me. Its not appropriate behaviour. 
I am all for good wise boundaries, and to feel a little jealous if there is reason to is perfectly normal.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> If there was a woman hitting in me at a party... blatantly coming on to me, I would expect my partner to be jealous. In fact I think I would be a bit disappointed if she was not, because that tells me she does not value me or the relationship as much as I would hope.


What you are describing here is possessiveness, not jealousy.

One can feel possessive of their partner without being insecure or jealous. Feeling possessive in a case like you described is natural and normal and usually ends up feeling good, if the possessive one is allowed to express their feelings and if the other one is happy to be possessed in that way in that moment.

If either is not willing to be possessed even in that slight way (the party example) then possessiveness will not be experienced as a good feeling or a good thing in that relationship.

When you feel possessive in a healthy way, it does not necessarily mean that you....

*think another person (a rival suitor) is "better" than you are in any way

*think that your partner is unreliable or untrustworthy

Instead you think....

*(to rival) get away from my treasure

*(to partner) you are my treasure and I don't care who knows it, I'm not going to let anyone get too close to it


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Hummm, how many more people have I heard say that they trust their spouses.
> My husband is really easy going, and hasn't got a jealous bone in his body, but I would hope and expect that he would say something if I was with a man who was flirting even though he trusts me. Its not appropriate behaviour.
> I am all for good wise boundaries, and to feel a little jealous if there is reason to is perfectly normal.


It's certainly inappropriate if YOU are flirting, and of course he should say something. My wife would intervene if she thought I needed assistance getting rid of someone, or they kept returning. Otherwise, she'd probably just be amused by the situation. BTW, some people actually DO trust their spouse, and have good reason to do so. Some may be naïve, of course, but many are needlessly suspicious and paranoid. It's sad to live in a fearful prison of your own making.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> I guess I think there are righteous forms of jealousy: such as a husband being jealous of a man hitting in his wife. That is a protective instinct.
> 
> Then there is the unrighteous jealousy, or envy or maybe covetousness, where one spouse is jealous of the other spouse's career success or jealous of the spouse's ability to be social and make lots of friends, while he or she is a shy wallflower.


I think that's pretty accurate. Also, I think people tend to use the word Jealousy as a wider catch-all than what it really means. As you point out, covetousness (or envy) is a different thing altogether.

To me, jealousy is from a fear of losing what one already has. I might be jealous of the man hitting on my wife if I thought there was any chance she'd cheat or leave. I certainly felt jealousy of one of my xw's ex-bfs whom she never got over. Had we lived near him there would have been a real chance she'd have gotten involved again with him.

But this is different than insecurity. Insecurity would lead to an irrational fear, manifested as a jealousy. But the underlying issue is still the irrational fear of abandonment.

In addition, sometimes the retroactive jealousy may be really an envy of a previous partner. If the current relationship is, or seems to be, less than one of your partner's previous relationships, an envy can set in. A typical example is the wife who is vanilla with her husband but he discovers she was wild with a previous bf. The H doesn't fear losing her to the old bf, thus he isn't jealous. He is envious of the bf for having had a wilder relationship with her.

All of these things are coming from different places in the man's mind but are sometimes all mashed together under the one word Jealousy.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I admit, I am possessive... I have also seen it described as "territorial" lol. If I see someone who is getting a little too "friendly" toward my SO, I will insert myself into the situation and for the most part, that diffuses any intent they may have thought they had. (that is, when I actually HAVE a SO) You dont have to go BSC on them, just be seen, lol. I am also not cool with casual chit chat online with "new" friends of the opposite sex, or EX's for that matter. Hard lessons learned to have basic boundaries.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Thor said:


> But this is different than insecurity. Insecurity would lead to an irrational fear, manifested as a jealousy. But the underlying issue is still the irrational fear of abandonment.


With all due respect, insecurity is not always irrational. There are situations where a spouse has a VERY rational reason for feeling insecure in a marriage. I think insecurity is one of those words that gets thrown around as the fault of the person who is feeling insecure, when in many instances, they have every reason to feel uncertain and/or anxious about the relationship.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Jessica38 said:


> With all due respect, insecurity is not always irrational. There are situations where a spouse has a VERY rational reason for feeling insecure in a marriage. I think insecurity is one of those words that gets thrown around as the fault of the person who is feeling insecure, when in many instances, they have every reason to feel uncertain and/or anxious about the relationship.


Well said. I agree.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I have to admit I am very possessive and tend towards jealousy. But honestly I have never let it become too much of a problem. It is a personality trait I would rather keep than try to rid myself of. It is way, way down on the list of bad traits about myself that I am choosing to work on. 

I guess I would rather have a jealous streak than be a weak, spineless pushover who lets poeple try to take what is his. 

And yes, I am one of those unevolved Neanderthals who still believes that when you marry someone, you become their property and they become yours. Well...I jealously guard what is mine, until she decides she is no longer mine.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> I have to admit I am very possessive and tend towards jealousy. But honestly I have never let it become too much of a problem. It is a personality trait I would rather keep than try to rid myself of. It is way, way down on the list of bad traits about myself that I am choosing to work on.
> 
> I guess I would rather have a jealous streak than be a weak, spineless pushover who lets poeple try to take what is his.
> 
> And yes, I am one of those unevolved Neanderthals who still believes that when you marry someone, you become their property and they become yours. Well...I jealously guard what is mine, until she decides she is no longer mine.


We are of one mind on this, Bandit!


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Hummm, how many more people have I heard say that they trust their spouses.


Well, at least one more; I trust my spouse with good reason. You're missing a couple of other crucial elements that @Married but Happy touched on - Respect, what I would term high self-esteem and feeling secure in the relationship.


> My husband is really easy going, and hasn't got a jealous bone in his body, but I would hope and expect that he would say something if I was with a man who was flirting even though he trusts me. Its not appropriate behaviour.
> I am all for good wise boundaries, and to feel a little jealous if there is reason to is perfectly normal.


I understand mate-guarding, it's just I've never been put in that situation. We walk into a restaurant and there are two responses. Some will give her a cursory glance but others will look her up and down clearly liking what they see. I know this because the very next thing they do is to check out who she's with. In the seventeen we've been together there's not been one occasion where a man has followed up on their interest when I'm with her. 

So, as I've said I understand mate-guarding but never been in the situation where my wife would disrespect herself, our relationship and me by responding to someone flirting with her right in front of me to the point I'd have to step in. She is, after all, the wise woman who once said "I don't blame other women for wanting to sleep with my husband. I would only blame you (<-me)". It's not her job to police me or vice versa. 

Of course, we both get hit on. I've been hit on with her standing right next to me, but we both think that it comes from women with low self-esteem who need the validation of being able to "turn a man's head" of someone who's clearly in a relationship. Her ex used to fall for that all the time. I consider myself better than being a temporary tool to boost some random woman's ego at the expense of my partner. You have to see these things for what they are. If I'm making my partner jealous then I'd consider that I wasn;t conducting myself as I should.

As for the possession thing, I'm not really comfortable about thinking of another human being as my possession (though I can see that as kinda romantic). She has my loyalty and that should be enough. And vice versa.


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