# Very confusing.



## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

My wife and I have been married, well it will be a year later this month. She is currently over in Kuwait with the Army until September of this year. She left September of last year. I am very proud of her for what she is doing, But the issues still remain. 

I noticed that after we got married that several things about her changed. She became demanding. Thus far I have done most of the housework, cooking, cleaning, dishes. I even decorated 90% of the apartment. She spent most of her time on the couch with a package of cookies, candy, or potato chips her laptop and the TV on. 

I would try to get her to do stuff together but unless it was what she wanted to do we never did it. She took it upon herself to do all the bills from her account then would get mad at me for not helping. We have separate accounts. Checking/Savings. Yet she can access mine but I cannot access hers. Ok whatever. She knew I had the money for bills. I never saw the bills she never even told me about them till they were done. If I asked about them she would just change the subject.

She would get upset with me if after work I would grab a 12 of beer when I had the next day off. I would only do that maybe twice a month. Yet when I had 2 beers she would say that I have been drinking everyday. It made no sense. She would grab Subway for lunch, spent 10 bucks on it yet when I went to taco bell she would get mad. Her response. Well I have the money for it. Whats this I you speak of. I thought that once we were married it all became our money. No such luck. 

I don't understand what happened. She would only shower maybe once a month. Never shaved but loves to wear tank tops, wouldn't even brush her teeth. Now I am not one to expect my wife to be all dressed up with pearls when I get home from work but damn. Then she would get upset when I would turn down sex. The once a month she would be interested in it. 

Yet any time I mention things to her she just goes "So what" and thinks I am being mean. Now she is even worse. I understand its hard for her to be away from home for so long. Shes never been gone this long. I have been there myself. I spent 8 years Army and did a tour in Iraq. Yet she has no problem spending 3 hours on Skype with her friends but only talks to me for maybe a half hour and most of it spent watching her putz around on facebook and play solitaire. 

She then became insane about money. I was working as a manager at jiff lube (Not the best but it was something) Now she has spent almost 2100 bucks over there. Not including bills. Shes only been gone since september. Its all fast food. Itunes, Starbucks. Souveniers for her famliy (She hasn't said a word to my family since she left) and chips,candy, and cookies. Yet I would spend 30 at jewel and get hell for not going to ALDI. I was also paying the Phone, car insurance. Basically all the bills. I don't mind that. Yet she has dropped 2k on crap. 

She gets 3 meals a day and free coffee all day long, When I talk to her about finances she can never see it from my point of view and admits that. Recently Jiffy Lube went a different direction, the managers were first to go. 4 of us including myself got the Axe. I have been out of work for 1 month. With paying the bills and getting food, taking care of the animals, her rats, my cat and a ferret. I have become low on money. I mentioned this thinking perhaps she would help to take care of the rest of the bills. Nope. She said not till I am broke. I don't want to be broke. 

She is coming home next week for a 2 week visit before going back to finish the remaining 7 months of her tour. She has flat out told me she has no interest in sex, she also only talks about her friends. All of her plans include other people. She hasn't mentioned 1 day to just us. Ugh. Its driving me nuts. I can't talk to her about these issues cause she just puts them on me. Has for a year now....GAH!!!!


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

Do not get me wrong, I love my wife very much. I apologize if it seems like I was complaining. I am just confused and concerned for her. She wasn't like this before we got married. I just want to make my marriage work.


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

Oh and to add a few things. I will have a job soon. A very good one 50-55k a year. I mentioned it and she shrugged. I am just at a loss.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Irish1985 said:


> Do not get me wrong, I love my wife very much.


Why exactly, do you love your wife very much? Aside from getting kudos for serving, she sounds like an incredibly crappy partner.

If this is your marriage at one year, and she isn't even around most of the time, you are in for a very long, very rough ride.

Open a separate checking account. Stop giving her access to spend money that you need.


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

She never used to be this way. She does have her good days. Just not often though. Even on the good days the affection is only there if I make the move. Which she says is the mans job LMAO. I love her case I know the woman she is deep down. I know shes still in there. I just don't know what to do to re-surface her.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Ever considered it could be the other way around?

The woman she is deep-down is what you've got now, and the woman you met was the temporary one?

There is plenty of information here to help you.

The simplest, biggest, and easiest piece of advice?

You cannot change her.

But you can change you. Take the right steps, make the appropriate adjustments to your own behavior, and as a consequence she will perceive and react to you differently.

This is what will save your relationship, or make it clear that you need to end your relationship.


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

I have never thought of it that way. Although she is the sweetest woman in the world when she wants to be. I honestly feel as if its all based on her mood. I have talked with her many a time on this. It never seems to impact. Your right. I can change me. Perhaps I need to.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Irish1985 said:


> I have never thought of it that way. Although she is the sweetest woman in the world when she wants to be. I honestly feel as if its all based on her mood. I have talked with her many a time on this. It never seems to impact. Your right. I can change me. Perhaps I need to.


Let me be crystal clear. Changing you, is your ONLY option.

If you simply keep doing what you're doing 'hoping' she will come around ... she will; into another man's arms eventually.

She doesn't respect you. Trying to be nice, accommodating and sensitive to win her respect will never, ever, ever work.


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

I can see that. Been reading the Man Up articles.


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## TrueGentleman (Apr 29, 2009)

Irish1985 said:


> I can see that. Been reading the Man Up articles.


I think that you'll find them as eye-opening and enlightening as I have.

She's taking advantage of your good nature and desire to please her, and you're letting her get away with it. 

It starts off innocently enough... she's having a rough time for a bit and wants you to take on a little more because she's tired or feeling crappy about herself. It seems like the loving thing to do. But she never bounces back from it, and keeps asking you to do more, sometimes by directly asking you and sometimes indirectly by not doing something and hoping that you notice that it's not being done and do it for her. After a while, you start to feel like this is really unfair and you try to talk to her about it. She tells you that she's having a hard time and is upset that you are criticizing her. Not wanting it to turn into a fight, you let it go and keep putting more and more into the relationship as she contributes less and less.

Fast forward a few months or years, and you've taught her that you will put everything you have into meeting her needs, if if she is completely ignoring yours. You've taught her that you're okay with doing all of the housework while she sits on the couch and stuffs her face in front of the TV. Sure, you complain about it from time to time, but you still keep doing the housework. You buy something inexpensive for yourself, and she gives you crap for it. She buys something unnecessary and expensive for herself, and more than likely, you've told her that it's unfair and only press the issue until she gets angry with you. If you let it go after that, you've lost. If you get angry with her in response to her getting angry with you, you've still lost.

She has no motivation to change. Sure, she's not exactly _happy_, but her basic survival needs are being met. She's learned that she can treat you however she feels like at the moment, and you will still be there, eager to please her. She's comfortable and can do virtually whatever she wants, and there is absolutely no reason for her to change her behavior.

What I've learned over the past few weeks from reading discussions on this site and various articles on the web, is that being a "nice guy" very often equates to being a spineless wimp. She keeps pushing your boundaries, and you keep pulling your boundaries back to accomodate her. She speaks to you in a disrespectful or contemptuous tone and you tolerate it -- and more than likely, you'll often give her what she's demanding from you, despite how she's treating you.

Through how you've responded to her over time, she has lost all respect for you. 

Yeah, everyone is different and all that PC jazz, but there are certain biological traits which are the product of hundreds of thousands of years of evolution. Men are sexually attracted to women who display signs of fertility, increasing their odds of producing offspring. Women are sexually attracted to men who display the ability to be a strong provider for herself and her baby. This is a gross over-simplification, but it works for this purpose. A man who is genuinely confident, capable, and in control of his emotions is going to be more sexually attractive to virtually any woman than a man who is lacking in those areas. 

A woman is not going to be sexually attracted to a man that she doesn't respect. She tests you to see if you'll stand your ground when she asks or demands something unreasonable from you, and you give in and let her have her way. Instant loss of respect. If you can't stand up to her when she demands something (rather than asks for it), or if you can't stand up to her when she demands something that is clearly unreasonable (such as having a private account to use to buy all kinds of useless junk while demanding that you pay to take care of her pets out of your own account), then how can you stand up _for_ her -- and any future children -- when faced with something that truly matters?

By this point, she's been testing you repeatedly for some time, and you've been failing each and every test. With each failure, you look less and less capable of handling anything of real importance. With each failure, she loses more respect for you. Every time that you comply with an unreasonable demand or request, she loses more respect for you. Eventually, she mostly just feels resentment and contempt towards you, and has lost all sexual desire for you. But you're still taking care of her basic needs, so she keeps you around. This whole process isn't necessarily something that she is entirely aware of and doing deliberately, and if you asked her about it she would probably deny it (and might not actually think it's true either). 

The more insecure she feels about the relationship, the more she distrusts your ability to handle things, the more anxious she'll get and the more she'll test you, until she gives up competely and starts looking somewhere else.

This is the hard truth that I'm admittedly still trying to wrap my head around. I'm actively working to de-program years of behaviors and attitudes that got me in a situation with many similarities. Honestly, it doesn't take long to start noticing a difference in how she treats you and in the balance of power in the relationship.


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## eli (Jan 29, 2011)

Well it seems as though you are the real hero here - for putting up with all the crap. If her personality has suddenly changed drastically - could it be a mental health issue? If she read your story how do you think she'd react? It does sound like you try and see her point of view and you seem a very fair man but how do you think she'd describe you? What would her story be?
I'm not criticizing at all - the fact that you're on here shows you care but it sounds like she's given up on something and it might not be you or your marriage - maybe something she's dealing with in her work life??


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

True: I believe your right, I am enabling this. Its also difficult with her being so far away. The house feels so empty. However I do need to stop enabling her and start working on manning up.

Eli: I am not sure how she would react. I do agree that it could be some sort of mental issue. She does have a problem with emotion. She clams up when we talk. As if she doesn't know how to discuss issues or she is afraid to. Cause as i think. Face to face and when we are in webcam or the phone her emotions are hidden. Yet when we are typing eachother. Chat or email, she is very open and very lovey dovey. Perhaps counseling is a suggestion, for both of us. I have had alot of light shed today. None of our friends are married and are mostly clueless on relationships. So I haven't had many angles for advise or perspective.


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## coops (Jan 24, 2011)

Irish1985 said:


> She clams up when we talk. As if she doesn't know how to discuss issues or she is afraid to.


I have a different view point than some here. I don't believe the issues matter as much. I think you should talk about the issues as little as possible. In fact I believe talking about the issues beyond the absolute bare minimum necessary, is counter productive. 

You can communicate through action and minimal words what you wish to be changed and fixed without "discussing". If you believe you are right, without malice or abuse, then just do what needs to be done or say what needs to be said. No sorry, no begging, no asking, no talking about or discussion, you simply do it or you tell her in a clear but few words as possible way.

In my opinion, the root issue of the problem is attraction. She isn't as attracted to you as she once was, is trapped in the marriage shes not sure she wants to be in anymore and each day that passes you continue to take action to reduce that attraction.

However, clearly in this case, she has no problem maintaining your attraction to her, even when she sits around like a bum eating garbage food on the couch, you still want to sleep with her. 

Assume for a second shes testing you. That should be a turn off. In fact I'd go as far as saying its purposeful to turn you off, yet you keep coming back for more which in turn lowers her respect for you and.... her attraction for you. Nasty cycle.

Some others on here will tell you to drag those issues out into the open, discuss and dissect them. Go to marriage counseling and get others opinions on them etc etc but I think all that will do is lower attraction levels and bring more issues in the long run. This is the "Conventional Wisdom" of our society, but given the divorce rate, I'm not convinced its the wise course of action. 

You have to work on yourself and build yourself up to be a strong attractive man before these relationship issues can be resolved. So while you do that, my suggestion is minimize the unattractive qualities and increase the fun and enjoyment.

For immediate ideas I suggest: Spend time during your day thinking up fun and interesting conversation to have with your wife when you finally do get on web cam together. Even if you have to search the web for funny crap to talk about, find something. 

Talk only the amount of time you're both having fun and enjoyment. If you have nothing fun or interesting to talk about, do not continue talking. Make an excuse and get off the call. There should be no boring or dead air moments. 

You want her leaving your conversations always feeling she had fun or enjoyed her time talking with you. Right now you're just dragging her through some boring ass 30 minute sessions where all shes thinking is how bad she wants to get off the call and wish she didn't have to do the next. 

You are a busy man, who's time is valuable and worthy of respecting. If you have the time to sit on a web cam while she sits and ignores you playing cards or facebook, then you clearly are not a man who's time is valuable or worth of respect. Very unattractive. 

If you feel you are putting in all the effort and she is not reciprocating, reduce the number of times you talk in a week. Never let it get to the point that shes playing cards or sitting on Facebook. If she gets on facebook while you are talking, just say something like "Oh it appears you are busy. I have things to do as well, I'll talk to you tomorrow hun".

Use the downtime to find ways to improve yourself. New skills, hobbies, friends, find a better job, go work out etc. this will all build your confidence and help you bring more to the relationship. This in turn will help build her attraction for you.


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

Coops: I can agree on aspects yet some perhaps not. I had a long talk with my father in law and realized that the issues I am having with her are nothing new. She does the same when talking to them on webcam, she sits and plays cards and becomes distracted. She also did not have the best hygiene at home either. Which her parents didn't find out till she moved out and her sister mentioned she never showered. She would often argue with them the same as me and try to control the house. Her father did not stand for it though. However she still tried. Every issue i mentioned he already knew about and said was nothing new. How she wants to save but spends a ton. Each issue he just said "yep sounds like her" She would even go as far as to correct her brother on a story that he was telling when she wasnt there to witness what happened. Yet he wasn't telling it right.

For all this time I was thinking it was just me. Yet she has been this way with her family since she was about 18. Her father did mention it was around the time she stopped her birth control that the issues went wild. Thanks Dad for the heads up a little late I might add LMAO


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

So there you have it. This IS who she is.

Is who she is, the person you want to spend your life with?

Trying to change her into someone else will just piss the both of you off.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Irish1985 said:


> Coops: I can agree on aspects yet some perhaps not. I had a long talk with my father in law and realized that the issues I am having with her are nothing new. She does the same when talking to them on webcam, she sits and plays cards and becomes distracted. She also did not have the best hygiene at home either. Which her parents didn't find out till she moved out and her sister mentioned she never showered. She would often argue with them the same as me and try to control the house. Her father did not stand for it though. However she still tried. Every issue i mentioned he already knew about and said was nothing new. How she wants to save but spends a ton. Each issue he just said "yep sounds like her" She would even go as far as to correct her brother on a story that he was telling when she wasnt there to witness what happened. Yet he wasn't telling it right.
> 
> For all this time I was thinking it was just me. Yet she has been this way with her family since she was about 18. Her father did mention it was around the time she stopped her birth control that the issues went wild. Thanks Dad for the heads up a little late I might add LMAO


18 is usually the age where mental illness - based on chemical imbalances presents itself.

Shizophrenia, dissociative identity disorder, bipolar, etc.

These people have a large problem with hygiene.

To your knowledge, has she ever had a psych work-up?


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

She has seen one from what her mother told me. It worked for a while but she stopped going to due to work. She used to work 16 hours a day with horses. Now you can't get her to admitt there is an issue. Which is normal with someone who has such issues.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Irish1985 said:


> She has seen one from what her mother told me. It worked for a while but she stopped going to due to work. She used to work 16 hours a day with horses. Now you can't get her to admitt there is an issue. Which is normal with someone who has such issues.


Sounds like she would benefit from medication.


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

Why is NOBODY commenting on.....

"She would only shower maybe once a month. Never shaved but loves to wear tank tops, wouldn't even brush her teeth."


A MONTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hell, there is something SERIOUSLY wrong there.
IDK what....depression or something.

Anything past 2 days is gross......a week...disgusting.....a MONTH.....I believe can actually lead to medical issues.


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## moonangel (Jan 19, 2011)

Everyone already voiced some good points. I'd like to reiterate what bluesky said..a month w/o shower? There is truly a serious issue going on. Sounds like depression...maybe? When I'm depressed I can go a week w/o showering, cleaning the house, work on my projects, etc. But again...only a week. Somehow I'm able to pick my self up and get motivated again.

Sometimes dealing with issues like depression, bipolar, etc can be draining. I have a family member who is bipolar and I have to be patient when she says mean things and get irritated at something I thought was minuscule. One time she sent a voice mail to my younger sister saying she hates us all (yelling it). She is on medication (like 10 different kinds) and has been for a long time. It started her first year in college and from there everything went downhill. That is life.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

bluesky said:


> Why is NOBODY commenting on.....
> 
> "She would only shower maybe once a month. Never shaved but loves to wear tank tops, wouldn't even brush her teeth."
> 
> ...


Honestly? Thought it was color commentary. Never presumed for a moment that he meant it ... literally. Yikes.


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

No no, quite literal. A month. Some month she would only shower at her unit. If I brought this up all she would say is "So" and continue with what she was doing. Yes it did lead to a medical issue. A private one, but one none the less. She did not learn


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

So you were unaware that you married someone mentally ill.

That's a hard slog. Even harder when the person you love does nothing but try to sabotage or undermine the relationship.

All the more reason I would suggest that you take a strong, leading approach and insist that she receives treatment.

If she won't do that much for herself if not her marriage, then it's simply a matter of how much you're willing to put up with.


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

I agree Deejo. I wish I had known. She was much different before marriage and is able to hide these issues well if you don't know what you are looking for. I just wish I had seen them sooner.


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

Ok new discovery. Today was a bad day skype wise. My W was very rude, contradicting, talking down and just using that tone that says "You have no clue what your talking about" She ended up making a comment so to be humorous I said well....Is this one of those let me tell you something about you that you don't know situations. She looked confused. I had had enough of the attitude. I put my foot down. I told her in a stern yet calm voice that enough was enough. I explained to her exactly how I was feeling and the way she had been acting. She was silent, and I noticed by the look on her face...She was listening!!! This is a first. I told her I am seeking counseling and she is welcome to join me when she gets home. Each time she tried to cut me off or step on my head I stopped her. Each time she listened and by the end of the convo we were both laughing and having a great talk. These threads have alot to offer. I will DEF be keeping up on here.


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## Ayan (Nov 26, 2011)

YOU DESERVE SO MUTCH BETTER! I wish you goodluck~
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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