# When your husband has no interest in sex?



## shhitsasecret (Sep 11, 2009)

I have never posted on a forum of any kind, and am not the type to discuss talking openly about my relationship - but I would love an opinion, because I am really starting to feel nuts here.

I am 24, my husband is 36. We have been together for 3 years, but only married 3 months. In that time, our sex life has always been #1 issue. I am a very sexual woman, I would love to have it every day, I am pretty uninhibited, and feel that it is a great way to bond two people together for life. After all, isn't that what separates a relationship from a friendship? 

He has never been all that into it. He would prefer it about once a week, and foreplay consists of rolling over and saying "wanna have sex?" sticking his hand straight down there for about 30 seconds, and then, into five minutes of slow sex. I do not have orgasms very often. I have tried everything. I talk very openly about it with him, try to spice things up, toys, etc. I used to think he just had really low testosterone, or maybe was just prudish. Then I found massive amounts of some pretty hard core porn he would watch daily before I got home from work. He has since stopped that, but it surely hasn't made a difference with our sex life.

I took this all so personally for a while. I am thin, and most men tell me I am attractive. Sex has never, not once, been an issue in prior relationships, and I have never had to ask for it! Usually, it's the other way around and I feel like that is all the guy wants! Anyway, I do not know what else to do. I have tried to change myself, tried to change him, tried everything.

Has anyone else had this issue, or have advice on how to fix it? I am really beginning to just give up here, and that is not a good feeling or anything I ever wanted to do. I just feel like I am the only one trying.

Thank you so much.


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## CarolineMRF (Sep 2, 2009)

Seeing this is unanswered, I will give it a try....If he was watching massive amounts of hard core before, he just may still be doing this...People do hide their hobbies...Porn is one of the best marriage destroyers around...When you look at the body of this beautiful young girl that will do anything at anytime for a man, she will very easily become a wonderful substitute for a wife...In other words, he has his own harem in front of him...Ready, willing and able...Needs no foreplay...Needs no orgasms....His hand does his work....So he makes love to a moving form and his sexual needs are filled.....

You have two things against you...He is 12 years older than you are and unless he gets into the groove he will start to sexually slow down in his potency...A woman is the one who keeps a man alive in this department...This I know for a fact....Second, he is the same as the man you married....He has not changed...You just thought that he would...His libido differs from yours...IMO, you will still get far more sexual as you age and he will fight the perils of men that set in....


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I would bet that the porn has gone underground. It isn't gone. 

I wonder why you married him. This one always baffles me though it is usually the man who hopes for a change. You married exactly what you've got now. 

I don't buy that this is a libido problem. This is about something else. 

How's his functioning when you do have sex? All the plumbing working OK?

PS - I spent my youth with much older men and didn't see a slow down in desire. Yes, maybe some things were different, but desire was the same. This isn't about his age, either. This is about his either selfishness or his preference for masturbation (and possibly porn) over sex with a real woman.


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## EVknoble (Sep 10, 2009)

"People do hide their hobbies...Porn is one of the best marriage destroyers around"

Ain't that the truth. I am a long time porn addict who has been clean for a few years now... it is hard and I have never ever met anyone who has done it cold turkey. Sorry to say, but I think your man has just hid it better so you would not find it. 

I am no counselor or shrink, but I am a man and I have been down this road before. I used to watch the girls as it was a hobby/habit that predated my first kiss, my first girlfriend and my wife. I am not justifying it, I am explaining the power it has over a person. I have beaten my habit (pun could be intended) by understanding how my wife felt about it and how it affected us negatively. It took me a long time to come to this point, but I can tell you we are closer now than before. 

Why is he choosing it over you? I don't know if he is... I never chose it over my W, it was more in addition to. But The cold hard fact is that if you can't openly talk to WITH him about it (all of it), you don't have much of a chance in fixing it. 

I know lots of marriages that have broken up and I think the only reason I am not part of that group is I was willing to listen and talk it out... if one side shuts down, its over.

I know I am slowing down on my sexual capacity as well, and it is not cause I don't love/find my wife sexy... I am just getting older. My wife on the other hand has definitely not slowed down... I don't know what god was thinking when he built men/women, but he should have spent less time making sure the parts fit and more to make sure the batteries they were attached to were compatible.. 

I hope I helped... but I most likely did not, it seems like I never do.

write back and let us know how it goes?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

My husband claims to have done it cold turkey, Ev. Do I believe him? Not on your life.


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## CarolineMRF (Sep 2, 2009)

dobo said:


> I would bet that the porn has gone underground. It isn't gone.
> 
> I wonder why you married him. This one always baffles me though it is usually the man who hopes for a change. You married exactly what you've got now.
> 
> ...


Libido is a problem in both a man and a woman...A very big problem...Just reading posts on this site should tell you this....His libido would and could be affected if he is watching Porn...He has a more difficult time making love to a "real woman" if he is used to seeing youth...The charge is not the same...Nor, does he get the same thrill as that "hot babe" that will do everything and show her stuff....

Believe me men slow down...They struggle and hurt...I am not talking about all men, but men...With my being active in the discussions of Male Sexual Dysfunction, I am well aware of this....It is far bigger than anyone imagines....Male impotency can show it's face already in their 20's...Sometimes this is medical and sometimes something else....This can be changed with a woman willing to help...It is a mind game that a man plays with himself....Tell him he can't get it up and he will struggle...Tell him that he is a sexual stud and he is on the way to success.....These are my impression on life and yours are yours....


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I have more experience in this area than you can possibly know. But libido problems (if you want to call it that) caused by porn is not a libido problem. It is a porn problem.

I also understand aging. Desire can be high even when the ability is low. Low testosterone can cause low drive, but again, I don't see this as a desire problem. Since this is something that existed prior to the marriage, I would argue that porn has taken its toll on his functioning with a real woman. I'm not saying that he'll make love like a 22 YO if he does the hard work necessary to regain his ability to relate to a real person, but I am saying that he will be normal, within the range of normal. But that's up to him. If he doesn't want to work on it or share with his wife, she's got little choice but to either accept or leave.


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## CarolineMRF (Sep 2, 2009)

If a man has a high sexual libido before Porn then it is not Libido...However, if a man has a low libido and uses or happens to find Porn and this develops into a habit, then this is libido...He has learned the excitement of being stimulated by a computer and not a live woman...Hence, he can only react with a pretend person...Thus he has a problem with woman...And you can't change what you can't change....My opinion vs...yours...

Sexually, probably everyone on this Forum has more experience than I have...However, experience is not always knowledge....


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

We can't know his natural state because she met him post-porn.

I've read a lot of studies as well (not the pop stuff but in journals).


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## Harvard (Aug 11, 2009)

no interest in sex!! he isn't old......I had a fight about this topic last night, my problem is just the opposite. My wife never thinks about sex.....I think there may be some other things going on in his head cause he is not old at all...why can't we as married couples be on teh sam page more often than not? after all, that is what this web site is about right? Frustrated, sore topic sorry but really he needs to discuss his feelings with you, good luck


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Harvard, was she like this prior to marriage? I get more uppety with the people who are one way before they hook you and another post-"I do"... except in cases like the original posters where it is most likely a self-inflicted wound. Both of those things are just unfair to the partner. They have a right to know these things.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

What has my age to do with anything? I'm not a 20-something and that's all you need to know. 

Are you saying you are Patti Britton? 

Further, when I'm discussing articles, I am talking about scholarly journals. But if I've obviously ruffled your feathers by having an informed opinion, and you want to get into a pissing contest, you've come to the wrong place. The original poster has a problem and it doesn't have to do with your ego. Get over it.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

See I don't understand it. I like porn for sure and look at it. Now my wife isn't a size 4 or 5 but I havealways been turned on by her. I would never ever pass on a night of sex over porn. I guess that's just me. My wife though has a lower drive cause of her current issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

LH, that's because you don't have a problem with it. You probably also don't have certain predispositions toward it like anxiety issues surrounding interpersonal relationships. (There are some quite scholarly individuals who even believe that there is such a thing as an auto-orientation instead of a hetero- or homosexual orientation.)

Porn isn't the only factor. But it is a big one. I believe that porn has little value within marriage (though again, it can also be used to help overcome some sexual issues -- as a tool, not a substitute.)


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Its info to learn who you are sexually and to overcome fears. If used right it can build closer relationships. But both have to know its not a replacement.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## shhitsasecret (Sep 11, 2009)

Thanks you guys so much for your input! Yes, it was this way before we were married. To be honest, it has been this way since we met. He is shy, so I kept thinking he would loosen up. Actually, at first I was relieved when I saw all his porn... I was just happy to know he had in it him, somewhere, and thought with time it would come out. I have always been open with him about it. 

I talked to him about it more last night. He swears up and down he hasn't looked at porn in a couple months, but acknowledges it has made no difference. He says he doesn't really know why he is the way he is. He said he feels afraid and silly coming on to me, and is super afraid that he will get shut down. I told him how silly that was. I do believe Dobo is correct in saying that maybe he has just gotten so used to the computer, he is not comfortable with the real thing. When I met him, he hadn't had any kind of a relationship or sex in over a year and wasn't killing himself trying to either. But the, there was porn. 

He said he will go seek help through a doctor or counselor, but I am really questioning if this will work or not....


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## shhitsasecret (Sep 11, 2009)

P.S. He says he does get aroused and thinks about sex all the time. He said he often watches me put on makeup, and thinks about wanting to grab me and throw me on the bed.... etc, but just doesn't do it and he doesn't know why.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

He sounds like he has a fear of rejection. I a
Im not a counselor by any means but it seems like he watches porn because it won't say no. Not saying you did but maybe in his past somebody did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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