# Hi, I have been lurking for a while ? about how to get husband to want sex again...



## salvation2011 (Nov 29, 2011)

My husband is the man of my dreams in physical build, attractiveness, and character, mostly until recently. We had a terrific bond before where he was always super excited to see me and non-sexual touchy feely which always gave me the sense that he viewed me as "his." I know that sounds archaic, but I like that feeling, it makes me see him as a man when he treats me so womanly.

Recently, he has lessened the amount of non-sexual touching he does and we rarely have sex. This is not like him and when I try to ask about it, he says he doesnt want to talk about it. 

I wish he would just open up, but at the same time, I wish we could bypass the talking about it and just return to what we had. What we had was very traditional, but it worked for us... I take care of home and children and had sex with him every night much of the time. He works and takes care of all of us. Because of the kids, extended lovemaking is less frequent, but we are still as hot as we were when we were dating when we do get around to it... even our quickies are hot and heavy. Now they have diminished from many times weekly to maybe once a week. Why would he just give it up? Im wondering if there is a health issue? Maybe his energy is pooping out a bit after all this time (we are not super young... around 40). We are both physically fit (Im fit except a little bit of mommy belly that wont go away).

Any advice? Any advice on how to go about this without talking about it... Im not much for therapy and know my husband wouldnt think of it. Thank you


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Did the sex decline over weeks or months, or was it a sudden drop off? Has anything else accompanied the decline? New activities? New medications?

If he's been having problems at work while your sex has been gradually declining, then it could just be stress. If the decline has been sudden with no accompanying explanatory activities, then it may be a medical issue.

Sometimes, a sudden decrease in sexual frequency is a symptom of infidelity. Is your husband secretive about his phone/email/Facebook? Does he get calls/texts at odd hours? I would do a bit of snooping to rule out an affair before you start looking into sex therapy. Look at his phone records. Any frequent numbers he calls that you don't recognize? Any numbers that he's texting 20 times a day? Look at his email and Facebook accounts. Put a keylogger on your PC to verify that he's not emailing someone and deleting the trail. Check your credit card statements for gifts/dinners/hotels that you don't know about.

Good luck.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi Salvation ~

Welcome aboard!

I think that even if you two aren't in to counseling, you will still need to try and have conversations about this issue.

There could be many reasons why a man would have a loss of libido - anything from physical reasons, such as physical health conditions from low testosterone, diabetes, high blood pressure, ED, aging, etc. to mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety, or stress to relationship issues such as fighting, resentment, boredom, or affairs.

Here's a good list of items that you can try and work through to pinpoint what may be causing it:

Loss of Libido in Men

How is sex normally broached or initiated between the two of you?

Do you do anything 'special' to try and turn him on? Do you tease him throughout the day? Many guys are more visual and so giving him more visual peeks and taunts may be helpful.

How to Get Him to Want Sex

Best wishes.


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## salvation2011 (Nov 29, 2011)

Thank you for your responses Enchantment, I began reading one of the links and oh my.... we used to flirt, but not like that. Im blushing. Maybe he needs more from me then I was doing? I was pretty much going with his flow and he liked how into it I would be, but to give flashes and panties/thongs to him in his hand I had never thought of.

If this is true, then its like that wife on Desperate Housewives years ago with the red hair, when she began getting kinky for her husband. It didnt turn out well for them if I remember, but this article was saying it would. Maybe my husband has looked at porn bc I dont do any of the things to my body they do, like shave down there or body piercings. 

Since not talking is the preference here, I will try to prepare my body to present to him with some little thong. Oh who am I kidding, I will start with wearing a skirt and lifting it to show a peek. 

Thanks to both of you for providing insight that I hadnt even thought of. It still may not be the real reason, but its something to try first since I know he doesnt want to talk about it. Ill let you know how its going after I get up the courage to do this!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Never give a man everything, tease the hell outta him.

Oh hey it rhymes =/


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Maybe he's suffering from work related stress. You may want to praise him by telling him how much you admire him and appreciate him as a man. All of us, men and women, certainly can use a little ego boost by the one we love the most in this world.


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## sinkingfeeling (May 20, 2011)

Sorry to hear your story and I hope it is work or stress-related but be careful.

Same happened to me and he just suddenly seemed to lose interest despite us clicking very well in that department for years. I tried everything to turn up the temperature and get the magic back. It turned out he was getting his fixes on the internet with a girl from Facebook and potentially a PA (although he still denies it).


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

_ Now they have diminished from many times weekly to maybe once a week._
I dont think its really much room for concern. You may have been overdoing it till now. Whatever you do dont nag about it. Wait till you go on holiday and see what happens then.


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## bellamaxjoy (Oct 27, 2011)

I think that my sex drive has increased like mad this year, my age maybe, I dont know. But my husbands has lessened, which is understandable with age and he is on an antidepressant. I am going to try being so much more direct. Tonight when he comes home, I am going to tell him what I plan on, after our son leaves for the game tonight.. I will be very specific, and plan on it being somewhere other than bed. Fingers crossed it works


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

bellamaxjoy said:


> I think that my sex drive has increased like mad this year, my age maybe, I dont know. But my husbands has lessened, which is understandable with age and he is on an antidepressant.


SSRI drugs can decrease libido. Your husband should ask his doctor for an alternative such as Wellbutrin.


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## bellamaxjoy (Oct 27, 2011)

He changed fromLexapro to Pristiq, which seems to be working and his bibido hasnt tanked. Still not wanting it as much as me, but its better


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## salvation2011 (Nov 29, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> Did the sex decline over weeks or months, or was it a sudden drop off? Has anything else accompanied the decline? New activities? New medications?
> 
> If he's been having problems at work while your sex has been gradually declining, then it could just be stress. If the decline has been sudden with no accompanying explanatory activities, then it may be a medical issue.
> 
> ...


Yes, he finally told me that work is extremely stressful right now and has been for a few months. We are also doing home renovations. These are things that dont bother me, but apparently they bother him alot more than I ever knew.

Im not willing to look into his private accounts. If he isnt doing anything with someone else and he found out I was snooping around in there... I would have no defense for being so wrong. 

Im just going to assume he is stressed out for now... except one more thing... that Im going to ask men about in that page specifically for them. I dont know is its normal for a man to want this one thing that he wants.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

salvation2011 said:


> Yes, he finally told me that work is extremely stressful right now and has been for a few months. We are also doing home renovations. These are things that dont bother me, but apparently they bother him alot more than I ever knew.


That could do it. It's strange that he refused to admit to being stressed for many weeks. But, it's possible that you've found your issue.



salvation2011 said:


> Im not willing to look into his private accounts. If he isnt doing anything with someone else and he found out I was snooping around in there... I would have no defense for being so wrong.


You wouldn't be wrong. Lurk on the Coping With Infidelity board for a while to see the consequences of people blindly trusting their spouses in the face of significant red flags, like a drop off in sexual frequency. If your husband is secretive about his phone and computer, that's another red flag right there. Married couples should not have secrets. Your husband shouldn't have a problem with you knowing who he's communicating with and what he's saying. There is a saying on the CWI board that privacy is shutting the door when you're in the bathroom. Secrecy is hiding your text messages. Privacy is fine in a marriage. Secrecy is not.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

When you said "Approaching 40," you really reminded me of something. I hope you don't mind me taking this a slightly different direction. 

When I was approaching 40, my mind was so busy, and honestly, I couldn't talk to anybody about it. It was the whole midlife thing that everybody talks about I suppose. I saw 40 as the halfway point in life, and as I approached it, in my mind, I began taking inventory whether I wanted to or not:

I questioned if I had ever done anything worthwhile in my life. I questioned if I died that day, would I leave anything in the world worth remembering. I questioned the religion I was brought up in and whether there was a God or if everything I had ever believed was a farce. I questioned whether or not I had instilled in my kids the values and things they would need to be successful in life. I questioned my job, and decided I hated it ... you get the idea.

My mind was so incredibly busy, and I wanted to get away from everybody who had all the answers which I had always heard, and I wanted to think through them by myself, or by myself and God if He was there (I was uncertain at the time). I didn't want anybody to interject their ideas into my mind while I was trying to figure it all out.

I don't really know what my wife thought about it at this time. It actually helped that this was a stage in life where I changed jobs and began to travel, so some of this was expected of me, and I had time to contemplate by myself. I'm certain, in my mental state, if my wife had been with me all the time, she would have felt neglected. It would not have been because I didn't love her - I never questioned that - but my mind was so busy, and I couldn't really form my thoughts into things I could voice to other people. Imagine for a moment that you are questioning EVERYTHING in your world ... how does your mind have time to really express that to other people? How can you even express it to someone else? You can't even explain it to yourself.

I've heard similar things from my brothers as they passed through this stage, and surprisingly, heard a very similar story from my sister-in-law. I thought this was just a man thing, but apparently, not always.

I did get through it. When I came through it, I had a little different view of God, but that faith was stronger than before, and I wasn't depending on anybody else at this point. I had thought through and found even more value in my family - especially in that lovely wife of mine. I had defined what I wanted to be remembered for when I left this world, and it wasn't the same thing I thought I wanted to be remembered for in the first half of life. In short, I had completely reordered, but in my reordering, the things that I said were important in the first half had become important in a whole different level for the second half. It was an EXTREMELY difficult time for me to get through, and unfortunately, I don't think anybody could have helped me think through it.

Keep his stage in life in mind. If he is like I was, then loving him, and letting him know you love him is as important as ever. If he really is going through his midlife inventory like I did, he's probably going to have to work through a lot of it by himself, and he doesn't talk to you because he can't - there are no words for what is going on in his mind, and he doesn't even know where to begin explaining to someone what it is. 

I hope his is just what mine was, and I hope he works through it the same way. I'd just say to consider this as a possibility.

Edit: I just looked at the date on the original post, and this may no longer be relevant. Hopefully, it has worked out. If not, and the OP is still experiencing the same thing, I wish both of you the best.


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## SimonLLL (Jan 29, 2012)

Hmmmm....

Sounds similar to a problem I discovered we both had - and one you alluded to in your last post - that he wanted to try something 'different'.

Imagine my relief when my wife bought it up: that we were getting a bit repetitive and she wanted to spice things up! This from an admittedly conservative girl!!!

I was getting a bit fed up of the same-old same-old but didn't want to offend her by saying so. Fortunately, we'd had to do some pretty intense work on our marriage in recent years and our ability to communicate properly around sex helped here. We've tried lots of new things, not all worked. But now? Fabulous. 

Have a go! You never know what wonderful reconnection is waiting around the corner!


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