# Problems with my husbands family. Is divorce the answer?



## sadlymoving

I have been having many problems with my husbands family members for a very long time now. I have been with my husband for 16 years, married for 11 years. We had a child before we married who is now 15. I also have a 9yr old daughter. I have been experiencing issues with the family for about 15 years. It was not so bad in the beginning but has gotten extremely worse in the last 2 years. 

My husbands mother has been verbally abusive to me, making comments that hurt my feelings and make me feel so unwelcome as a member of the family. When I gave birth to my son, I cried when they handed him to me out of pure joy. She told her entire family that I was crying because I didn't want my son. When I confronted her about it she said she was joking. When I got engaged to her son, she introduced me to her family members as her future DIL and would then throw in a "if they make it" and laugh. When I married my husband, cards were signed by "mom and ms. S" clearly stating that I am not to call her mom. His mother is divorced now for 27 years where my husbands father left her for another woman. She never remarried or took up other relationships. I believe she had a hard time letting go of her sons in fear of being alone. I have tried to speak with her and tell her that she hurts my feelings with her comments, she apologizes but then turns around and continues to do it. I have tried to build a close relationship with her and go out of my way for her but she doesn't appreciate the things I do and doesn't care. My husband defends her by saying she is old and doesn't think before she blurts out some of the comments and does nothing and says absolutely nothing at the moment the comments are made. He in fact will sometimes blame me by saying I am being ridiculous and that I need to get over it. That I need to understand that she is getting old.

I also have problems with my sister-in-law (my husbands brothers wife). I have had problems with her from the very beginning. When I first met my husband, his brother asked me to fix him up with a friend. My now sister-in-law was, at that time, his ex-girlfriend whom I knew nothing about but was trying to get back with him. I fixed him up with a friend of mine. Unfortunately it did not last and he ended up back with her. She hated me without giving me a chance to get to know me because she saw me as the person who fixed her boyfriend up with a friend of mine. I ended up getting pregnant about 5 months into my relationship with my husband and 6 months later she was pregnant as well. Since I met her I have tried so hard to build a relationship with her. I asked her to be in my wedding (she accepted of course since my husbands brother was the bestman), I would call her and try to get together with her for "girls day" hangouts (when I call her I say "Hi __, how are you?, she responds "yah". She married my husbands brother 7 months after we got married. They bought a house together first and called upon my husband to help them do work on their house. My husband and his brother are very handy guys...They built a deck, put up a fence, installed a sprinkler system, hung wallpaper, installed new windows. You name it they did it and I never once complained about the time it took for my husband to help them with all of this. At the time, my husband and I lived in an apartment. We bought a newly built home about 6 months after we married. When we did the contracts with the homebuilder we brought the plans for the home to show his brother and my sil. She never complimented or wished us well on this. She looked and then proceded to pull his brother into another room where they fought over the fact that we were buying a new home. The house they lived in at the time was a small 2 bdrm. She was completely jealous instead of being happy for us. When I stated that she was being immature to my husband, his reply was "we should have never brought the plans over to show them". And with a new home you have lots of work to do with it. We called upon his brother for help on putting in a fence, deck, yard stuff and she told his brother that he is not to help us at all. My husband didn't say anything to her or his brother and told me he didn't really need his help or care that she said that. I feel as though she plays games for attention when it comes to me. That she has to be better or out-do me in some manner. Maybe she still resents me for the fix-up with her husband years ago. I don't really know what the issues are. I asked her once and she got extremely loud and defensive with me so I stopped that conversation. I don't deserve nor should I have to put up with this. 

2 years ago our daughter was preparing to make communion as well as their daughter (go figure), we had a meeting at the church and my husband and I were running late. When we walked in many of the tables were filled and I had to quickly scout out a spot with two open seats for my husband and I. I didn't notice that my sil was sitting at a table minus her husband and ended up walking right by her and sat at a different table. My husband noticed her after we had passed and asked me if I wanted to sit at her table. After a quick look there were scattered chairs, not two open next to each other, so I said lets just sit here since the meeting was under way. This made her mad and didn't realize how mad she was until we were leaving and when I tried to talk to her she ignored me. I tried to call her afterwards and explain that I did not initially see her and that I didn't want to delay or cause commotion during a church meeting when I did see. I apologized and told her it was nothing personal when she replyed that she didn't have time for my sh** and hung up on me. My husband was sitting right there when I made the call. I told him what happened and he didn't say anything. I expressed that I can't take her anymore and that I am done trying (only took me 16 years). I have tried so hard. How can you continue to try with people when they continuously treat you in this manner. We have not really spoken since. She has since tried to pick a fight with me at a family gathering in front of the family. Now before this event I spoke to my husband and stressed to him that I had a bad feeling about my attending due to my SIL. He assured me nothing was going to happen in which I asked him if it did would he defend me. He told me that he would even to the point of what he would say to her if she did do something. I believed him, trusted him so off we went. When she started with me that day and I looked at my husband he immediately put his head down and said nothing. This was the hatchet in my marriage. I lost all love, trust and respect for him after that. This was one year ago. My SIL also told her daughter to tell my daughter that they are not allowed to play together if I am there. They are 9. She has pulled her children into this as well as mine and has made it extremely difficult to even tolerate for me anymore. My nieces don't even say hello to me if I see them. I am so uncomfortable in this family now and can barely look at my husband anymore after this day. Talking to him about how I feel doesn't help anything. He pacifies me by telling me what I want to hear then when something else happens, cowards and does not address the issue. By him not saying anything to his family pretty much gives them the impression that it is ok to treat me this way and makes me feel like I am the last of his priorities in his life.

Just a few months ago his mother has involved herself in all of this as well and made an embarrasing display at my house in front of my family and guests by telling one of my guests, in my own home, that I am responsible for breaking up the family and that I am someone my husband just sleeps with and that she can't do anything about it. All of which my husband has done nothing or said anything to stick up for me. 

I am completely hurt by his family and my husband for all this. I have lost my trust in my husband and have fallen out of love with him because I think I allowed this to go on for so long. I have spoken with my husband about divorce a few times over the last few years and when I do he says he will confront his family and stick up for me but then when something else happens, he doesn't. There are so many other instances and I would have to write a book to explain them all. My point is that I have bit my lip and let a lot of things slide with his mother and my sil. I am scared and feel like I am up against a brick wall. I don't want to hurt my children by splitting up our family but I am so unhappy and feel so disrespected by everyone including my husband. I also don't think it is fair to keep my children in an uphappy environment? Don't I deserve to be happy and respected by my husband and his family? What do I do? Sorry for the book but I have 16 years of instances and about 90% of them I haven't even listed. Please help...any advice would be appreciated.


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## readyforbaby76

ok, So I personally HATE my MIL and SIL myself. They are aweful and I have some experiences similar to yours. 
I think the hardest part of all this is that you dont feel like your husband is "on your side".
It took my DH a while to get there and I often felt like he didn't stand up for me when he should have.
Have you guys considered couseling. We went and it helped tremendously.
Yes you do deserve to be happy, you DO deserve to be respected by your husband.....
I think couseling would help. 
With my situation, and I dont know if you could / would want to do this. BUT, I just got to a point where i didn't care about them.
The mother, the sister, whatever, I DONT CARE. they are a**holes and i dont care.
I limit the time I have to be around them because they are so unpleasant. You need to surround yourself with good positive people, not nasty one.
Also, you married your husband, not his family.
IF he were to stand up for you, would this help? or is it too late?
If you are unhappy at home, your children will see it and pick up on it. They CAN sense these things.......
Then again, if you leave him, they kind of "win" you know?
UNLESS of course you truly just dont want to be with him.
You need to do whats right for you. Take about 30 minutes to think about how you life would be if you left him.
where would you live? who would watch kids? who you work?
Does this idea plan for a new life sound happy or sad for you?
Maybe getting out is the best decision.
Clearly, something has to change as you are miserable and the worst part is IT IS EFFECTING the kids. They can pick up on these things, sorry for repeating but you dont want to expose them to this negativity long term. Life is too short. You could die tomorrow.
I dont know, many people may disagree with me and how i think about things.
But, i just didn't go over mil's house often, i dont want to expose myself to their negativity and hubby supports that.
It did take some time for him to come around. counseling helped a great deal.
is your hubby open to it?


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## sadlymoving

I am not sure. I love my husband and care for him but am definitely not in love anymore and think things are so far gone that I may not be able to get there again. I too HATE my in-laws and really never want to look at them again. Counseling may help him see the light where he may defend me but I am afraid to put myself out there with him to hurt me more and yet again. Everyone has been treating me so poorly for so long that I think they view it as normal behavior. All I ever wanted was to be close with his family. That's why I never caused a huge stink with them until now. I would tell my husband I was hurt and expected him to turn around and say that's not right and I will address it with my family but he never does. I can't tell you how many times I have told my husband I was hurt by their actions. This only turns into an arguement between us where he turns around and places the blame on me. My kids have witnessed this and also blame me. I guess I just don't see things changing when I have been shown that they won't for many years now.


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## readyforbaby76

ok so hubby blames you and now the kids blame you?
i hate to ask this but could it be you? Do the kids love this family and think they are wonderful? are they good to the kids?
all this matters, also their age matters....kids age
I would say if you are sure its not you - and the kids are young enough where they wouldn't miss them. then get out - the kids can see that side when they visit with their dad I suppose.
its a tough one. i would suggest counseling as your ONE, last ditch effort to save the marriage.
present it to your husband that way, prepare him for what you are considering, let him know that if counseling doesn't help that you are seriously planning on leaving.
Then you know in your heart, you did ALL you could to prevent seperation.


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## sadlymoving

I have really thought about everything that has happened and it is certainly not me. I don't ever have a problem admitting when I am wrong. I have a good heart and have only tried to make things work with his family for years. My kids blame me because their father sits and points the finger at me every time I try and tell him that something his family did hurt me. I don't talk to my kids about the issues I have with my MIL and SIL because that is simply wrong. I have issues with them, not the kids. I wanted to keep my children out of this mess. My children love their grandmother and have a good relationship with my SIL kids...not so much her. Lets see...an example from above. The incident where my SIL was mad because I didn't sit with her at the church meeting...my husband was there when I made the call. I was sincere in my apology to her and explaining that it was nothing personal. He turned it around to say that I should not have made the call to her that I should have just let time heal her anger before calling and apologizing to her. I don't know about you but I thought addressing issues immediately in an adult manner as I described above was a good thing. He just turns the situation into something I should have done differently, that I am the one who made the wrong move. When my kids, over the last 15 years, overhear this kind of thing coming from their father I am sure they would tend to think I am not handling matters properly. 

In all honesty...in the instances I listed above, does it sound as though I could have been wrong? 

Thanks for replying...it helps to be able to talk to someone about it. I have tried to keep everyone close to me out of everything. The one person who I thought I could count on to talk to about it, my husband, never hears me. His only concern is mother and brothers wife and their feelings. Frankly, it is embarrassing to admit to my friends and family that I married a man who puts his entire family including his brothers wife, who is not even blood related, before his wife.


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## readyforbaby76

So have you thought out a plan of what you would do if you left him? where would you live? can you survive financially? 
how does that plan/new life look to you?
If it looks better than your current situation then you should seriously consider leaving. OR like i said, talk to him and tell him you are considering leaving and this is why.
Mention the counseling thing and tell him its your last effort before leaving.
Have you told him you want to leave? seriously?


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## sadlymoving

I do think I could be happier if I left him. His family is so involved in our lives that I can't just make them disappear especially when my husband pulls them into our lives so much. Many things have happened for so long now that I don't think I would ever feel the same about my husband...especially his family. 

My husband left home on business for 3 1/2 weeks, for the first time in his career, 2 months ago. I made this a test for myself to see how I managed on my own with the kids and my feelings for him. I didn't miss him and things seemed to run alot smoother in the house. The downsides in this are my kids and the financial side of things. My kids would be upset...they love their father and I have been putting my feelings aside for a long time to try and make my marriage work for their sake. I care more about my kids happiness then my own. At the same time, they are seeing that their parents don't love eachother and don't respect eachother and are very unhappy with eachother. I don't think this is a healthy route for them either. 

Financially it would not be good for either one of us. We definitely live in a world today where it is almost impossible to raise children and keep a home on your own. Right now we live as though we are renting partners. We don't speak much, we haven't had any intimacy for 4 months and this is all due to how I feel towards him. Anytime I try to talk to him about how I feel in regards to his families behavior and how he handles it in return he gets angry and it turns into an arguement where he continues to defend them and tell me how I need to handle it better (usually by letting it go, that I take things too seriously, that I need to understand that is how they are, that I am overreacting, etc...). They only time he wants to talk to me is when he wants something sexually. I told him that I did not want to be with him anymore, many times over the last few months, and it's almost as though he tunes me out. We won't speak for hours after I tell him this and he will come to me the next day as though I never said that and try to take my clothes off. He doesn't listen or care that I am hurt. Doesn't care how I feel. He only cares about his own needs and mainly the only needs he has with me are sexual. He pretends that the coversations I have with him on how I feel never happened. Completely ignores them. I don't believe things will change. I would be willing to go to marriage counseling but I would probably be there alone. If he does go, I will probably be there alone too. He would probably do what he does best and tune it all out and try and pretend it is not happening. 

I just want what is best for my kids. My own happiness comes second. So confused.


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## readyforbaby76

well clearly being in that environment with you unhappy is NOT what is "best" for your kids. You are teaching them to stay in an unhappy marraige and Im sure you dont want that for their futures.....
You need to teach them to always love YOURSELF first, and if you are unhappy then it time for a change (if there is no fixing the problem) which it sounds like there isn't.

So how would you split, how many kids do you have? would hubby leave and you stay? can you afford the place on your own? 
maybe you should research a mediator in your area to discuss your options.


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## sadlymoving

I have two kids...son-15 and daughter 9. The financial part in splitting would be difficult whether I stay or he stays on either one of us. 

Thanks for all of your advice. I definitely need to speak with someone to find out the best way to go. I think talking about it with you has helped tremendously.


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## readyforbaby76

Good Im glad. Good luck....definitly seek out a mediator or someone so you can discuss options and how this would work out -


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## gonefishin

Mothers can be tough.

It sounds like you have discussed this with your husband. He needs to handle this and "lay down the law" with his mother.

Once he lays down the law with his mother the three of you should sit down and discuss the relationship. There is no reason why you can not resolve these issues.

If your husband is not willing to make a stand then you have a problem.


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## Venus&Mars

SadlyMoving, I can completely relate to you. I have had many similar arguments with my husband. And like your situation, my husband would make excuses for his family and often times, turn it around and blame me for being the problem. His family would either be out right rude to me or passive agressive towards me in front of him and not once has he stood up for me or told them that it's not acceptable. 

Similar to readyforbaby76, I've decided after 4 years of trying with his family, that I no longer cared to try. I limit my interactions with them, and unless they reach out to me, I wasn't going to reach out to them. I've realized the one thing I'm doing wrong here is that I've allowed his family to get in between our marriage. Despite my husband's fault in all this, this was also my fault. After time and time again of dealing with the inlaws rude behavior, there is no reason why I should continue to put myself in the position where they can offend me. I realized that my husband will always defend his family so I decided that I'm letting his family ruin my marriage because I put him in a position where he has to defend me. This doesn't excuse his flaw and he's not perfect but I can't let his family win. This isn't the best solution but it's a bandage that seems to be holding at the moment.

One thing that seemed to have resonated with my husband was when I told him that "after all the effort I made with your family, I've earned the right to complain about them to you when they're being rude to me."

I've considered divorce many times in my brief marriage. I suggest that you try a trial separation first. Obviously your many discussions with your husband about the problems and about divorce haven't gotten him motivated to fight for you and stand up to his family for you. I think because you haven't actually gone through with the divorce after so many discussions, that your husband doesn't take you seriously. Since you're unsure about actually going through with it yourself, a separation might give you a better idea of what you might be heading into if you want to make it final and it also might be a wake up call for your husband. 

I think at the end of the day, your husband will not understand how you're feeling unless he's in your shoes. We all wish our spouse will make the grand gesture and save the marriage, and I hope yours will come through.


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## applelemon

readyforbaby76 said:


> well clearly being in that environment with you unhappy is NOT what is "best" for your kids. You are teaching them to stay in an unhappy marraige and Im sure you dont want that for their futures.....
> You need to teach them to always love YOURSELF first, and if you are unhappy then it time for a change (if there is no fixing the problem) which it sounds like there isn't.


As a daughter of a mother who stayed in a unhappy and miserable marriage, I have to agree.
I wish my mother had left for her happiness long before. I grew up around parents who clearly did not love each other. I think this made me grow up to not be able to understand certain aspects of love and relationships. I grew up thinking relationship and marriage is about unhappiness and being forced to stay in it. It has had a lot of negative effects on my view of love and marriage.
Don't be hasty, look over other options, but please don't stay in a marriage that will make you unhappy. My mother did and it definitely affected me in a bad manner, I picked up on the negative energy between my parents and it was very unpleasant at home. Staying in a bad marriage or relationship to have a mother and father for your kids may not be as good a sacrifice as you may think.


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## Spock

As a first step, I would suggest that you do not allow the atrophied state of your relationship with your in-laws to impact your evaluation of your relationship with your husband. Being human, and thus being favorably biased towards his genetic relatives, it would be difficult for your husband to ever be truly objective in his view of the situation - and I think that is a natural weakness for any son or daughter.

I also suggest that you should set boundaries with your in-laws and enforce them. That is, things that you are comfortable with and things you would not allow. That is your right. Try to be kind in your dealings but be firm. Do not let anyone walk all over you and do not placate. Remember that your own parents have to love you but your in-laws don’t, and vice versa.


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## sadlymoving

Venus & Mars: For the last two years I have removed myself from family functions and get togethers to remove myself from the outright critisms and harsh bashing that goes on but my husband will attend w/out me which I believe leads them to believe that he is completely fine with their behavior and that they don't do anything wrong. I have actually at this point seperated with him and he is telling me that he now sees the light but when I brought up on issue he was immediately backing them up once again. Unfortunately for me, I don't think my 40yr old H can let go of his family and truely commit to me.
Applelemon: I too grew up in a household where my parents had no love for each other. My mother who at 61 was recently diagnosed with multiple problems almost died and I think that is what really motivated me to take the step out of my marriage at this point. I have watched my mother for several years now as an adult myself, didn't see it growing up since they hid it well, be completely miserable with my father who doesn't give her an ounce of respect. When I think about how she almost died and has not lived a life of happiness it breaks my heart. Life is so short and being in an unhealthy relationship and staying in it for everyone elses sake is not living the life you've been given and taking it for granted. I have finally woken up to this and know that I deserve to have happiness.


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## Roosterbooper

hnmmm....honestly i only read the first reply. so i understand somewhat of whats going on. Its not being a two-face by being nice to people that don't like you its called growing up!" You see i would not say to be a two face to people that you don't like i'm saying to be a two face to people that don't like you. Don't waste all your energy on spending time hating inlaws because u'll end up obsessing over them and your husband is going to think your the problem. instead make use of that energy by being nice. Take true to the heart "kill them with kindness." of course you have to stand up to what you believe in and confront the person right off hand with kindness. Don't be stupid enough to tell them something when your angry because then your making yourself look like a fool. Tell them something when you have already lost your cool and you feel in control. Don't waste your time spending time with negative people and learn to make freinds with positive individuals. Have self respect and love yourself by protecting yourself from insult and all kinds of misdemeanor. Be a super fake person...act like you like them and love to be around them...and make excuses to bail. Of course don't make anything obvious...never be rude or show any signs that you are bothered by there presence... spend time with them as less as possible but respect your husband. If you love yourself you would do this because you just won't put yourself in a vulnerable position where you can make really bad mistakes. to finish off better "Don't put yourself in a bad position." If your husband is not on your side seek therapy...those mamma's boys are already screwed in the head. Only a therapist can shed some light and of course God. You never go wrong when you read the word of God. ..and always..but always remember this. If you are morally right about something you are confronting and your inlaws and husband disagree with you than you are in a losing position. It is crucial that you talk with your husband to agree on something before confronting an inlaw. If in this situation your husband is afraid of confrontation....then sorry sweetheart...your gonna have to step in just make sure your husband will back you up. Don't forget this very important knowledge.


ANOTHER THING! dIVORCE IS NOT THE ANSWER..PLEASE RECONSIDER. u WILL DESTROY YOUR LIFE THIS WAY AND gOD WON'T BE ON UR SIDE UNLESS HE IS UNFAITHFUL. Read Gods word and find out yourself. I was stuck in somewhat situation like yours before and living proof that there are solutions to such problems.


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