# Talking to female coworker about marriage troubles??



## 2arebetter (May 3, 2016)

I have a female friend at work that I was thinking about talking to about my and my wife's marriage troubles and divorce. I've read in a lot of places that that's a big no-no. I don't have any interest anything other than getting her perspective on this type of thing. She doesn't know my wife and I think that's part of why I think she'll give me a different point of view. She's happily married with kids and I don't want it impose on their lives or marriage whatsoever. We don't work in the same office and have actually never hung out outside of work. Mostly we just talk about our kids. Is this just something that should be avoided? Is there nothing good that can come from it?

To be honest, after writing this I'm feeling less like I want to talk to her about my issues. But, I'm still curious what people think.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Don't do it. If you need an independent opinion go see a counselor/therapist.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I see.... more worry at your end, your situation, your vulnerabilities.
You are looking for an ear and may end up seeking lips.

Her? Your co-worker?

She may be seeking relevance, a new purpose. She may become attached to her new 'erstwhile' patient.
Her patient gotten by being patient and friendly with you. First by providing an ear, later giving forth her heart. Given to fuel this budding friendship that gained legs.
That gained feelings, that gained affection, that gained love.

Such is the way of opposite sex dancing. Dancing with words, blinking eyes, arms that uncontrollably go up and around one-another.


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

2arebetter said:


> I have a female friend at work that I was thinking about talking to about my and my wife's marriage troubles and divorce. I've read in a lot of places that that's a big no-no. I don't have any interest anything other than getting her perspective on this type of thing. She doesn't know my wife and I think that's part of why I think she'll give me a different point of view. She's happily married with kids and I don't want it impose on their lives or marriage whatsoever. We don't work in the same office and have actually never hung out outside of work. Mostly we just talk about our kids. Is this just something that should be avoided? Is there nothing good that can come from it?
> 
> To be honest, after writing this I'm feeling less like I want to talk to her about my issues. But, I'm still curious what people think.


Not a good idea. She will be very turned off to the idea of discussing your marital problems. Why in the world would you think that you have a close enough relationship - personally - with this woman? Just because someone is kind to you at work, does not mean they want to connect with you a a deep personal level.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

2arebetter said:


> I have a female friend at work that I was thinking about talking to about my and my wife's marriage troubles and divorce. I've read in a lot of places that that's a big no-no. *I don't have any interest anything other than getting her perspective on this type of thing.* She doesn't know my wife and I think that's part of why I think she'll give me a different point of view. She's happily married with kids and I don't want it impose on their lives or marriage whatsoever. We don't work in the same office and have actually never hung out outside of work. Mostly we just talk about our kids. Is this just something that should be avoided? Is there nothing good that can come from it?
> 
> To be honest, after writing this I'm feeling less like I want to talk to her about my issues. But, I'm still curious what people think.


That's always how it starts.

This could go two ways. 
1. (most likely) as @Aspydad said. She won't like it and you will have damaged a positive working relationship
2. She sympathizes and this goes down the all too common path that ends very badly

Bottom line: this is inappropriate on a number of levels, any one of which is adequate to make it a very bad idea. All the reasons put together make it not just a big no-no, but rather an absolute no-no.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

2arebetter said:


> I have a female friend at work that I was thinking about talking to about my and my wife's marriage troubles and divorce. I've read in a lot of places that that's a big no-no. I don't have any interest anything other than getting her perspective on this type of thing.


Your brain is in pain and looking for a solution. It doesn't care about if it's a good solution or not--it just wants the feel-good hormones. It's making you think that talking to this woman is a good idea and that she'll have valuable insights which will help you out. The reality is that your brain wants female attention and is trying to convince you that this is a good way to get it. The reality is that the momentary lift in your spirits will come with many downsides--potential for an EA/PA, anger from your W, rumors in the workplace, etc.

You want to talk with this woman because you think it will make you feel good, not because it will help your relationship. If you want to help your relationship, talk with a marriage counselor.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

2arebetter said:


> I have a female friend at work that I was thinking about talking to about my and my wife's marriage troubles and divorce. I've read in a lot of places that that's a big no-no. I don't have any interest anything other than getting her perspective on this type of thing. She doesn't know my wife and I think that's part of why I think she'll give me a different point of view. She's happily married with kids and I don't want it impose on their lives or marriage whatsoever. We don't work in the same office and have actually never hung out outside of work. Mostly we just talk about our kids. Is this just something that should be avoided? Is there nothing good that can come from it?
> 
> To be honest, after writing this I'm feeling less like I want to talk to her about my issues. But, I'm still curious what people think.


I would strongly advise against this. If you need someone to talk to, you can turn to friend, family, or a therapist. But you should keep your personal life out of your professional life.

Moreover, unless she is a good friend of hers, you turning to her as "someone to talk to" puts an unfair emotional burden on her. Basically, you're asking her to do unpaid emotional work, to help you work through your issues. She already expends a lot of energy doing this type of "work" for her own spouse and children, friends, and family. Don't make your burden her burden.

For more info on what I mean by emotional labor, here's what I mean:
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/psyched-in-san-francisco/why-women-are-tired-the-p_b_9619732.html


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## 2arebetter (May 3, 2016)

All good points. 

I don't want to jeopardize anything by doing that. As far as I'm concerned, it's off the table. 

There's an event coming up for kids (little kids) to dance and play to a DJ playing kids songs and games. She had invited us (my family) to go sometime. We had agreed to go as a family, but that's not going to happen now obviously. Do I go so far as to avoid this person outside of work? I think my kids would enjoy and I'm actually looking forward to meeting her husband (sounds like we'd get along). I guess I don't know what the etiquette is for someone in my situation. At what point do people talk openly about this? I don't really want my impending divorce to force me to be a introverted hermit either.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

2arebetter said:


> All good points.
> 
> I don't want to jeopardize anything by doing that. As far as I'm concerned, it's off the table.
> 
> There's an event coming up for kids (little kids) to dance and play to a DJ playing kids songs and games. She had invited us (my family) to go sometime. *We had agreed to go as a family, but that's not going to happen now obviously. *Do I go so far as to avoid this person outside of work? I think my kids would enjoy and I'm actually looking forward to meeting her husband (sounds like we'd get along). I guess I don't know what the etiquette is for someone in my situation.


Why not? While this may be obvious in your mind, nothing has been made obvious to us in this regard. Are your marriage difficulties to the point that you and your wife don't do things together along with the kids?


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Just be upfront with her and tell her you'd love to go and bring the kids, but you won't be bringing your wife because you are getting divorced. Then don't share the details because those don't belong in a work environment. Heck, when I got divorced my secretaries didn't know for close to 6 months because I keep personal life and work life separate.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

2arebetter said:


> All good points.
> 
> I don't want to jeopardize anything by doing that. As far as I'm concerned, it's off the table.
> 
> There's an event coming up for kids (little kids) to dance and play to a DJ playing kids songs and games. She had invited us (my family) to go sometime. We had agreed to go as a family, but that's not going to happen now obviously. Do I go so far as to avoid this person outside of work? I think my kids would enjoy and I'm actually looking forward to meeting her husband (sounds like we'd get along). I guess I don't know what the etiquette is for someone in my situation. At what point do people talk openly about this? I don't really want my impending divorce to force me to be a introverted hermit either.


You don't have to avoid her outside work. And you can still go to this thing without your STBXW. If anyone asks, you can say she wasn't able to make it, or you can say that you guys are splitting up, and you don't want to ruin a fun time by going into detail.

People can know that you're getting divorced, and going through a rough time. And leave it at that.


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## 2arebetter (May 3, 2016)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Why not? While this may be obvious in your mind, nothing has been made obvious to us in this regard. Are your marriage difficulties to the point that you and your wife don't do things together along with the kids?


Kind of. It's all still pretty raw for me (and her I think). I am trying to distance myself from her a bit so I don't fall to old habits of acting like a married couple. We've talked about starting to split time with the kids at home.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

2arebetter said:


> I have a female friend at work that I was thinking about talking to about my and my wife's marriage troubles and divorce. I've read in a lot of places that that's a big no-no. I don't have any interest anything other than getting her perspective on this type of thing. She doesn't know my wife and I think that's part of why I think she'll give me a different point of view. She's happily married with kids and I don't want it impose on their lives or marriage whatsoever. We don't work in the same office and have actually never hung out outside of work. Mostly we just talk about our kids. Is this just something that should be avoided? Is there nothing good that can come from it?
> 
> To be honest, after writing this I'm feeling less like I want to talk to her about my issues. But, I'm still curious what people think.


Do not do this. It leads nowhere good.

Talk to us. We actually care about you with no agenda.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

2arebetter said:


> Kind of. It's all still pretty raw for me (and her I think). I am trying to distance myself from her a bit so I don't fall to old habits of acting like a married couple. We've talked about starting to split time with the kids at home.


If you are deliberately avoiding acting married, then its time to dissolve the union. 

For those who are looking to save a union, acting like you're married, acting like you're in love, even if you aren't, can be a catalyst to rekindling what was good about the relationship. Sometimes, we have to force ourselves to be who we want to be. There's obviously no guarantees, but the inverse isn't the same-deliberately acting as individuals and distancing yourself from each other is almost a sure fire way to make sure its over. 

So if you're looking to end it, keep the distance. But then you need not worry about the potential for getting entangled with another... except in this case as she's married so intimate details should remain off limits.


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## 2arebetter (May 3, 2016)

Thanks for all the direction and kind words. I'm definitely keeping my distance from my coworker. There's not one ounce of me that's interested in causing anyone else troubles (I'm sure she has principles and will of her own too). 

As for my situation with my wife; we're seeing a counselor to better understand how to go through this transition with the least impact on our kids as possible. I'm trying to mentally distance myself from her even though we're still living together. I've pretty much stopped all conversation with her unless it's about kids schedule, feeding the dog, an other regular day to day activities. I hardly even look at her. It feels so un-natural and forced. It hurts like hell but I don't know how else to start distancing myself. I think it hurts my wife too and maybe that's part of it. I have not NOT talked to her like this ever. I always tried to help and keep communication open. I think it's a little bit of her getting her own medicine. She's been the one all clammed up for the past couple years. I guess we'll see how it goes.


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