# Wife's Past. How to deal?



## ActionReaction (Oct 8, 2012)

Hi everyone. I will try not to make this too long.

My wife, I have been with for a short while. We got married in May, but before we got married, we were together for about 2 years or so. Here's the story:

She had been married before and had a child with him when she was 18. She got separated. I met her at a restaurant/bar/club type place when she was 24. We trade numbers. I talk to her on and off for a year. We date other people during this year but stay in contact through facebook. We end up getting together after the year.

One night we are drinking and I ask her if she has ever done anything crazy. She says she has had 2 threesomes (both FFM). Not cool in my eyes. I thought she was some innocent housewife who was perfect.

Then I find on her computer one day an email to a friend of hers that pretty much went this way:

"i really like him, he is way bigger than anyone i have ever been with and my thighs are all bruised up, we had to shower over and over and we got so sweaty and we had sex so many times throughout the day, i love being naked with him and I can barely walk!"

wtf.

then i find out she had a *** buddy. she didnt want a relationship, she just had sex with him alot.

all of this happened in the year that i was talking to her. it has had a huge impact on our relationship. i have felt inferior and feel that she was just not worth my time.

however, i got through it, and she is a GREAT person now and i just cant see how someone like her did all of this. 

now we are married, with a baby on the way, and i STILL cant get over this stuff. someone please help me. am i being rediculous? everytime I mention it to her she gets mad because it starts a huge fight because she said she found out that her husband had been cheating on her and she went crazy.

someone help me figure this out. am i being irrational? or should i have never married her???


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

If you weren't really together that year, then there's not much you can do...but if you knew she was into stuff that you aren't cool with, why'd you carry on with her? 

I don't groove off stuff like that either, my dealbreakers were threesome's and hookers. Any guy that was into anything like that, was automatically flushed, as I know it would continue to bother me no matter how great the guy might be.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Action

First, we are all irrational creatures. The idea that humans are basically rational is a myth. Our emotions which are what drive our behaviour are based in the primitive parts of our brain.

Retroactive jealousy, which is what you have, seems to be pretty common, especially among men.

The best way to deal with it is to ignore it, not discuss it with her, live in the present.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think that everyone has a right to their values, but I personally think that the values both of you have are a bit.... unrealistic these days. 

Our sexuality is a natural part of who we are, and many people explore and experiment with it as part of their young adult years. When people expect others to be judgmental, they're more likely to lie about their experiences than to tell the truth and risk someone's respect. 

So while you're certainly entitled to your opinions and values, it could bring you some heartache along the way.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Why does this stuff bother you? What is it specifically that you can't let go? Is it that she might want it again, or that she settled, or that she is not adventurous with you, or that you don't believe her explanation or what? Pinning down what bothers you might help you figure out how to deal with it (or even if you can).


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Maybe try to channel the feelings into something more positive? Like, you wouldn't be bothered if you didn't love her so much, so focus on the good feeling of how much you love her. Also, I'm assuming you have a past too, so that can help you remember that it's all relative. Someone from the 1950s might find your sexual history horrifyingly immoral, you know? We're far more products of our culture than we realize, I think, so claiming moral high ground is unfair.


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## ActionReaction (Oct 8, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Why does this stuff bother you? What is it specifically that you can't let go? Is it that she might want it again, or that she settled, or that she is not adventurous with you, or that you don't believe her explanation or what? Pinning down what bothers you might help you figure out how to deal with it (or even if you can).


I think it's because she is a girl. That's one reason. She is a girl, and it bothers me because I was raised to think of women as special, reserved beings. This just smacks of...being ****ty.

2, I guess because i feel inferior to 'big guy' now. she hasnt written any letters to friends about ME.

3, probably the fact that i picture her doing these things. intense rage and jealousy ensues and then i end up fighting with her. things will be going fine, and then i start thinking about it, and i get depressed and enraged. 

someone help me


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I don't think it's judgemental at all...to each their own, but personally I am not into that kind of thing. So why would I get with someone who was? If they lied about it, that would be even worse...at least have the integrity to be truthful about your past so that your love interest can make an informed decision whether or not to continue the relationship.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

ActionReaction said:


> I think it's because she is a girl. That's one reason. She is a girl, and it bothers me because I was raised to think of women as special, reserved beings. This just smacks of...being ****ty.
> 
> 2, I guess because i feel inferior to 'big guy' now. she hasnt written any letters to friends about ME.
> 
> ...


Maybe go to ic for a few sessions.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

ActionReaction said:


> I think it's because she is a girl. That's one reason. She is a girl, and it bothers me because I was raised to think of women as special, reserved beings. This just smacks of...being ****ty.
> 
> 2, I guess because i feel inferior to 'big guy' now. she hasnt written any letters to friends about ME.
> 
> ...


I know how hard it is to 'forget' these things, even if they happened before you and she were together. Counselling may be an option for you...you can also get a lot of it out on here.

Although our situations are different, my H too, did something in the past (before me) that I still have trouble getting over. We're together just about 2.5 years now, and I still struggle. Not as much as before...time heals.


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## ActionReaction (Oct 8, 2012)

it disgusts me, but why is it sometimes i dont even think about it, but then sometimes i do? i just cant imagine her doing these things.

ive been burned in the past, maybe thats also another reason. im scared of what ive gotten myself into...


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

ActionReaction said:


> I think it's because she is a girl. That's one reason. She is a girl, and it bothers me because I was raised to think of women as special, reserved beings. This just smacks of...being ****ty.
> 
> 2, I guess because i feel inferior to 'big guy' now. she hasnt written any letters to friends about ME.
> 
> ...


I think IC is a good idea. What you've described here tells me that your ideas of what women are supposed to be is at conflict with your perception of your woman as "good." You'll need to find a way to give yourself permission to see a "good girl" as being someone who is capable of sexuality that is different than you believed. 

You don't know that she has or hasn't written letters or talked about you in this or other ways. One man I dated once was hurt that I didn't talk about him the way I'd written about a past relationship in a fiction story I was working on. What he didn't "get" was that what we had was so personal and important to me that I felt I would cheapen it by sharing it, while the stuff I wrote was artificial and unimportant in my mind.

Your jealousy and rage stem from the fact that you don't feel "enough" for her. This causes fights that will eventually "PROVE" that you're not good for her and she will be forced to leave the raging, angry man you become. By getting into rage, you're stripping her of her ability to see you as a good man and forcing her to acknowledge that you're not. Why would you want to do this to yourself? 

Individual counseling could help you feel better about yourself and learn to cope with your feelings in a way that doesn't interfere with your relationship.


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## ActionReaction (Oct 8, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I think IC is a good idea. What you've described here tells me that your ideas of what women are supposed to be is at conflict with your perception of your woman as "good." You'll need to find a way to give yourself permission to see a "good girl" as being someone who is capable of sexuality that is different than you believed.
> 
> You don't know that she has or hasn't written letters or talked about you in this or other ways. One man I dated once was hurt that I didn't talk about him the way I'd written about a past relationship in a fiction story I was working on. What he didn't "get" was that what we had was so personal and important to me that I felt I would cheapen it by sharing it, while the stuff I wrote was artificial and unimportant in my mind.
> 
> ...


she says that! she doesnt talk about me like that because what we have is more personal and means more and doesnt want to put it out there like that. she said she was out of her mind at that period in her life.

what you have said has made alot of sense. very insightful.

would love to hear more and from more people on this. maybe i need more medication too.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

ActionReaction said:


> she says that! she doesnt talk about me like that because what we have is more personal and means more and doesnt want to put it out there like that. she said she was out of her mind at that period in her life.
> 
> what you have said has made alot of sense. very insightful.
> 
> would love to hear more and from more people on this. maybe i need more medication too.


I think Kathy has given you a lot to work with. You need to get comfortable with your wife having been a sexual being before she met you. You also need to get comfortable with her having made some choices that she would not make now (I am reading between the lines based on you saying that she did these things when she went crazy). 

We all have made choices that we regret. But those decisions make us who we are now. Your wife is who she is based on those things. Are there any decisions that you made that you regret? Any sexual encounters that were for physical release only? It can sometimes help to work through things by recognizing that you have some of the same faults.

Also understand that your wife is feeling a bit of a bait and switch. You knew about her going into marriage, but now seem to be changing the rules.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

ActionReaction said:


> it disgusts me, *but why is it sometimes i dont even think about it, but then sometimes i do?* i just cant imagine her doing these things.
> 
> ive been burned in the past, maybe thats also another reason. im scared of what ive gotten myself into...


That's called triggering; the best way to deal is to identify and discuss...not start a raging argument. In time, the triggers will lessen (hopefully).


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

My W has a sexual past with other men, but I never ask her about it. Not because I'm scared of what I may hear or having this absurd "good girl" image image of her shattered, but I just don't really feel it's my place to know. I know we have been faithful to each other since we met and what we did before is not of each other's concern.

To me, it would be akin to being implicated with my friend who had committed a crime way before I knew him, but the judge telling me "It makes no difference-you should have investigated and found out his past before you got friendly with him."


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

ActionReaction said:


> she said she was out of her mind at that period in her life.


Very possible. I know that I had a period of time in my life where I was reckless. It really was not who I was then and it is not who I am now. I wouldn't even dream of doing those things again! Looking back I'm horrified at my behavior. However, I'd be initially inclined to defend it if I was attacked for it. But then I'd come around and calmly explain to that person that I am not proud of what happened, I would not do it again but I can't change it and they have the option of taking it or leaving it. There are consequences for every action. 

So the question is -- Does she pay the consequences for what she did in that period of her life or do you by leaving because you can't get past it? 

If it helps, whatever I did in the past does not creep its way into my present. Meaning, I do not compare my past experiences with my current ones. What I'm saying is that there is no need to feel insecure. If anything you are probably looked at by her as someone who she greatly admires and respects. She was with a person who didn't mind sharing her and you are someone who refuses to. Of course that is something to be respected! 

But you need to think about that question above. This marriage isn't going to work if you can't get over what happened before you two got married or were in a committed relationship. 

People can change -- people can learn from their mistakes.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

ActionReaction,

A few things to add or restate. You've been given a lot of great advice here.

1. Definitely get into counseling. It will help IMMENSELY, without medication. You can also repair some recent issues over this with your wife by going into counseling.
2. Own the issue. The problem here isn't what your wife did. She's still the same person right? The problem is YOUR perceptions. You perceive a wife as being a "good girl" all her life. Women don't come in two styles. There's no such thing as a "good girl" and a "bad girl". You want a wife who is good when it comes to morals, character, honesty, communication and loyalty. You want a bad girl when it comes to the bed room. You can have both. More women than not are what I just described, when given the right environment. Women are very "reactionary" (per your name) to their environment. If they feel judged, they'll act prim and proper. If they feel free and open, you'll get a different woman.
3. You're battling insecurity which is YOUR thoughts. It's nothing to do with reality. Your wife chose to marry you, noone else. Do you think your wife is a wonderful woman? Do you think she had options? And with all of those options, she chose you, does that tell you how valuable you really are? 
4. In order to help with your insecurity and perceptions. Do you want to be her best friend and how much of a priority is that? If you DO, then stop judging her. She did things, you don't agree with, before being your partner, I know it's hard but a friend doesn't judge others actions. If your best bud had a year where he had to end a bad relationship, then spent the next year finding himself through various sexual antics and finally realized he didn't want that lifestyle and settled down with a wonderful woman. Would you think poorly of him? You might not agree with his decisions, but you'd support him and not judge him. Well be your wife's best friend.
5. Okay so she really liked a guy with a biggun. And yet she didn't marry him or even pursue a relationship. What do you HONESTLY think your wife's answer to the following question be. "Who is your best lover you've had in your life?" Now if you asked her, what was your CRAZIEST sexcapade, that answer might not include you, and that could be a GOOD thing LOL. My wife had a bit of an identity crisis before meeting me. She's an amazing woman in everyway, and has a bit of a wild sex streak and when she was going through her identity crisis, she did something she wouldn't do now. Does that put a stamp across her forehead, not in the slightest. She was a different person then. She freely admits that I helped her "settle" into herself and become the woman she had lost touch with. And I love that I gave her that.


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## Zig (Oct 6, 2012)

OP, does she have all-day long sex sessions with you? Or does she only have sex with you once or twice a week?

Clearly, she prefers wild sex with (probably) a bad boy and prefers you to pay for the children. 

If you actually believe her when she says she's more in love with you than any of her ex's, then you kind of deserve what's coming.


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## Zig (Oct 6, 2012)

BTW, you're going to get a lot of responses from people saying that it's normal for some random guy to get wild sex from her and for you to only get vanilla sex, after all you're just her husband.

If you can't see what's wrong with that, then I don't know what else to tell you.


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## ActionReaction (Oct 8, 2012)

we try to be open. she said that she didnt like the "big guy" because it hurt too much. pissed me off when she said that!!! she said i know how to "work it" it isnt the size that matters.

im insecure about things shes done and the letter i found. i asked her about the letter and she said he was her boyfriend at the time and she liked him but ended up not liking the monster hotdog he had plus she broke up with him for lots of other reasons.

i need to get over this stuff. she is a great person now. im sure she was then, but why oh why did she go and do those things? why did i have to find out about them?

and zig...i hope thats not the case. her using me for money.


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## Zig (Oct 6, 2012)

You do realize that the email said she LOVED having sex with him? She lied to your face.

Again, does she ever have all-day long sex sessions with you?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

OP, realize that it's very clear and obvious she married you to be her and her kids provider only not due to sexual attractions towards you.

I'd be surprised if she'll stay loyal to for a the next few years. Have a look at the coping with infidelity section and see how many guys in your position post their stories.


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## Omgitsjoe (Oct 1, 2012)

In my humble opinion you shouldn't sweat your wife's past ....... if she's good to you now and you feel confident she will be this way in the future then go on with your life and enjooooy !!! 

Her past is what makes who she is now and if you love her for what she is on the inside then all her experiences are what makes who she is !!!

Then again this is coming from me who's wife had only one boyfriend prior to meeting me so i can also understand where you're coming from but like i said if she's good to you and you both love one another then enjoy life for what its worth !! 

Good luck !


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Action, how often are you getting laid? Does she ever initiate? Do you ever get hit on by other women? 

Believe it or not, these are serious questions.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The big question is how she is with you? Do you get rejected? Do you get told by her that she is low drive and not in the mood?

Because I would say the real problem you might face is her seeing you as the nice safe paycheck guy with whom she doesn't put in any effort and doesn't get wild.

If that's the case you need to deal with that ASAP, because only is it not fair to you, but it also means she's potential affair material down the road if she decides she wants more.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, if the fact that you found out about your wife's past and knew that she got off with this man with the huge crank plus knew that your wife had threesomes in the past, then why did you decide to marry her? This is one of the reasons why I think it's useful to have frank discussions about your sexual pasts before you decide to marry. If you can't handle her past, then you walk away before slipping the ring on her finger.

OP, you have no further right to skewer your wife over this anymore. You had your chance to walk away when you first learned about it but you didn't. Get counseling on your insecurities. Maybe you should calmly talk to your wife about what she loves about you in order to fortify yourself against these thoughts you keep playing in your head.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

You kinda screwed up by marrying this woman while not dealing with this issue. Right now when you ask about this other guy of course she will be saying she didn't really like sex with him and such lies. What did you expect? She is trying to spare your feelings. 

You should never have just sweep this under the rug. But right now, what can you do? You have a kid on the way. As far as you know she is faithful right? 

You're in a situation you'll be possibly getting "maintenance" sex at least while she needs you as a daddy for her kid. After that, maybe she will reveal she settled for you and need a "change". Or maybe she really loves you. 

It sounds a little too late right now to be having these issues. It would be a ********* thing to leave your wife over something you already knew when you married. 

However, if i were you, with this background story, i would DNA test the kid after birth.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She enjoyed sex with her ex? OMG!! how can she do that ? 

Do you think big breasted women are better at sex than small breasted woman ?

Is a woman with small butt inferior at sex than one with a big one ?


Why did you snoop in her personal mail ? When did she send this mail ? What was the status of your relationship when she sent this mail ?

If she did this stuff in her previous relationships when not involved in you, that was none of your business and you are being insecure.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

ActionReaction said:


> we try to be open. she said that she didnt like the "big guy" because it hurt too much. pissed me off when she said that!!! she said i know how to "work it" it isnt the size that matters.
> 
> im insecure about things shes done and the letter i found. i asked her about the letter and she said he was her boyfriend at the time and she liked him but ended up not liking the monster hotdog he had plus she broke up with him for lots of other reasons.
> 
> ...


AR,

First of all, start with what Kathy/Katie told you a few posts above. She was spot on.

Second point, when your wife says that the big one hurt her, she probably isnt lying. The most common complaint from women is that too big dongs, once they get past 7.5 inches, hurt like hell - feel free to google and check. Its something to boast about after doing it once, not something to get married to. It seems to me like all her responses - about keeping things private that matter to her, about getting hurt with the big guy, ring true to me.

I am not convinced that her outlook is still the same that it was when she went crazy. I get the feeling she settled down to a comfortable life with you and is being her true self now.

That said, before I ask you to introspect and get some counseling, I do want to hear if you have seen, heard or felt anything she said or did, which - 
1. Belittles you or puts you in a submissive position in your interactions with her.
2. Puts you in a bad light in front of others
3. Expresses dissatisfaction with your sex life verbally or through actions such as - she not initiating, not liking sex with you, not getting into it during the act, presenting the usual excuses to not have sex, etc
4. Expresses dissatisfaction with something else outside of sex, other than your nagging her about current issue. Leave that one aside for this question.

If there are examples, I would like to hear them.
If the answer is no to all of the above, I suggest you get help before you spoil a good marriage.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

These things are best left under rocks, but you have to deal with them now that you're aware. You cant clean walk away because youre going to be parents together, so you have to accept it and forget it. 

I'm a jealous guy and anything about my wife's past (even innocent stuff) drives me nuts. So I'm with you on that. But the big picture is what is going on now. If she's good to you, your future child and doesn't cheat, let it go and enjoy your new family.


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## ActionReaction (Oct 8, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ActionReaction (Oct 8, 2012)

I'm on my phone so I can't reply to everyone yet but I really appreciate the responses and I will respond to everyone when I get near my computer again! Thank u everyone
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tinkerbell24 (Sep 20, 2012)

I met my husband when I was 18 and he was 19. We dated for 6 months and broke up. I was his first gf and his first love. Before me and after me he was a "jack about town" and has done many sexual things that repulsed me. We got back together when I was 21. I struggled for so long with my insecurities over his sexual past. I made his life hell and brought it up time and time again. It took me a long time but I am finally over what he done before me. At the end of the day all it was, was casual, meaningless sex. You have to work on yourself really hard to get past it and you either will or you won't. GL


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## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

ActionReaction said:


> Hi everyone. I will try not to make this too long.
> 
> My wife, I have been with for a short while. We got married in May, but before we got married, we were together for about 2 years or so. Here's the story:
> 
> ...


why would you ask her about her sexual experiences and history if you knew you were not mature enough , or secure enough , and did not want to know the truth ?? she had a kid when she was 18 and she had already been married . how on earth could you have thought that she was innocent ? you cant see how someone like her did all of that ? what do you mean someone like her ? what kind of women do you think do these things ? and why do you think she is not perfect any more ? because of her sexual history ? or because she is somehow a different person because of it ? 

she had amazing sex with a very well endowed man before you two got together . how exactly do you feel inferior when she chose to be with you not him ? for you to feel that she is not worth your time implies that you think you are better than she is . it seems like you are trying to put her down to ease your inferiority complex . 

i have some news for you . you are not the best guy sexually . you do not have the biggest penis . you can do what you can do , and you have what you have . chances are you will never have sex with a girl who is a virgin , or who is even sexually inexperienced . you lied to yourself , and your wife , when you tried to act like her sexual experience did not matter to you . 

she was honest with you , she deserves the same from you . so far she has not gotten it from you . she has done nothing wrong . you have . you have lied to her , and you , and she has gotten married , and is having a kid with you based on your lies . if you cant grow up , be honest , and get over it , get a divorce . before you ruin your child as well as your marriage.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

buttercup21 said:


> Well, what are you upset about actually? Her past shouldn't matter to you. I understand that you feel that way because she was talking to you, but you weren't in a relationship right?
> If you were then that's cheating. But if you weren't, then it shouldn't bother you unless you feel inferior in context of the size of the guys shes been with.
> She isn't as sexually explicit than my husband. If I thought your way, I would go mad counting the number of women my husband has been with. Hes had so many one night stands, flings that i cant even keep track of and he was previously married with a daughter too.
> Unless she gets F buddies while being married, remove the thoughts from your mind.


To merely dismiss previous actions because "the past should not matter" is wrong. The past does matter. It makes us who we are. How we deal with and grow from our experiences often tells us a lot about where we are and where we are going. 

There are a lot of possible scenarios where her actions are not an issue, and that she is a good spouse and life partner. However, there are scenarios where these actions are big red flags. I hope the OP comes back to fill in some details of their current relationship to give us a better idea of what is going on.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

Sometimes, I really believe that it is better to stay blissfully ignorant about certain things. Regardless, if whatever she did before you were together does not impact your present and future, then just let it go! Reminiscing about it, will not change a damn thing and you will only be torturing yourself. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone deserves a second chance as long as they are willing to work for it.

However, I do think it is pretty tacky to share details of your sexual life to a friend.


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

I posted a topic about this subject. Threesomes weren't involved, but her considerably promiscuous young adult years were. It ate at me and interfered with my well-being.

Then someone here simply and clearly put it into perspective for me:

"She chose you. She loves *YOU*!"



I'm a lucky man. You probably are too


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## frozen (Mar 5, 2012)

ActionReaction said:


> Hi everyone. I will try not to make this too long.
> 
> My wife, I have been with for a short while. We got married in May, but before we got married, we were together for about 2 years or so. Here's the story:
> 
> ...


From your story I cannot determine if you found all of this out before the swedding, or did some come out afterwards.


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