# Need Advice



## GAMike (Aug 25, 2012)

Let me start by saying this is not an affair. There is no category for this question. I had been seeing a girl on and off for several years. I was always traveling and she always stayed in my hometown. On one of my visits home we had sex. Well I got a call ten weeks later and she was pregnant. The dates seemed to be off by a couple weeks but she insisted the baby was mine as she had not been with anyone else for several months. Now let me reiterate that we were by no means a couple at this point and I would not have cared at all if she had been with someone else. I implored her to think very hard and be completely honest about everything. She would have bet her own life that I was the dad and I trusted her. During our three years of knowing each other she had always been completely upfront and honest. Now I don't want to give specifics out of fear of friends or family seeing this, but I am a busy man and what I do is very stressful and many people depend on me. I say this because I really don't have any free time. I'm very rarely am able to go back to my hometown, not even for holidays. She was telling my that I was absolutely the father and thus I was willing to sacrifice everything for her and our future son. I definitely had feelings for her and abortion was not an option. Trying to do the right thing, I paid to move her across several states and into my house. We got married several months later. Things were going really well. Now back to the pregnancy dating... I don't want to get too complicated or specific here, but the dates were actually off by almost four weeks. On several occasions I begged her to just be honest and tell me if there was any chance it could be another man's baby. She always said no. That it had to be mine. I tried to believe her. We transformed our home to prepare for the baby. Her car was on it's last leg, so I bought her a new car with good safety ratings. She gave birth to a beautiful boy and things were great. Without being too specific, I noticed the baby had more than one physical characteristics that I didn't have and that are inherited in an autosomal dominant fashion. I secretly did a paternity test and the baby is not mine. I confronted her with this information and she obviously was devastated. She really does not recall being with someone else near the suspected date of conception. She knows who the father is because she had only slept with two people in the last several years, she just honestly couldn't remember being with the other guy at that time. I actually believe her. She does tend forget things at times.

So what the hell do we do! She did NOT cheat on me. Now we are married and we have a child that is not mine. I do love her, but I don't know if I can raise another man's child. It would be one thing if she cheated on me... If that were the case we would be over and she would take the baby. But she didn't cheat. Do I kick her out anyway? Should we stay married and should I raise the baby as my own? If so, do we have to inform the biological father? If we get a divorce the embarrassment of the situation alone would kill me, both in my workplace and personally. I can't even figure out how I feel about this. I have no idea what to do. I'd love to hear any advice you folks can give.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> She really does not recall being with someone else near the suspected date of conception. She knows who the father is because she had only slept with two people in the last several years, she just honestly couldn't remember being with the other guy at that time. I actually believe her. *She does tend forget things at times.*


Yi...yi..._yi... __*yikes! *_

There's forgetful and there's forgetful.

Really? She seriously couldn't remember being with that other guy at that time?

Well... maybe it was not him but some other guy she forgot about dating?

You need professional counselling. Both of you.


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## GAMike (Aug 25, 2012)

I know, I know. It sounds terrible. According to her, the relationship she had with the other guy just sort of fizzled out slowly near the end and she genuinely did not remember sleeping with him near the suspected date of conception. I know it's hard to believe, but let's assume she's telling the truth... How in the world am I supposed to handle this? Even if she's lying, I may never know the truth and it still begs the question... How the hell do I handle this!!?? I'll reiterate again, her and I were not officially dating at the time. So there is not an infidelity issue here.

I agree professional counseling is clearly warranted. Unfortunately, I work 80 hour weeks and any time I'm not working I'm trying to eat and sleep. I have no idea how to make time for counseling. I barely even have the time to deal with this horrible personal dilemma.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

You got played, plain and simple. She was looking for a male to raise the baby and you fell for it, sorry. In most jurisdictions, you are considered the father of the child if the child was born during the marriage...regardless of whether or not you are the biological father. In some states, you have 6 months to contest the parentage, otherwise you will be on hook for child support for the next 18 years. 

You had better lawyer up immediately and find out what the applicable laws are in your jurisdiction. This is not the way to start a marriage based on her lies. She lied to you saying there was no possible way that you could not be the father. Forgetfulness? Yeah, right. 

Why didn't you use protection if this was originally a friends with benefits situation? 

OR

You can raise this child as if its your own. Just know that your wife has no problems lying to your face.


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## GAMike (Aug 25, 2012)

Lordmayhem, those are the sad but true thoughts that keep crossing my mind. I agree with you in that she clearly lied when she said there was no way anyone else could be the father. That just doesn't add up to me. Regarding protection... For most of the time we were seeing each other she used bith control. When she wasn't on birth control we just timed it based on her cycle. We knew the risks and thought we were prepared to handle them. We never had any problems with this and I'm not the biological father, so we must've been doing it right. I suppose I shouldn't have doubted myself.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

She knew the date of conception. Woman are way more aware of ther bodies than us. She got ultrasound, you both discusses the last time you had sex. She knew. Damm well. I bet the other man was not aviable anymore or was a worse provider. You you have her the deception. Can you deal with it? Do you need for her to be honest once for all, admit the lies, her motivations?

Another thing is this child. Sure talk to a lawyer. Imagine you have a fight, you split, she calls bio dad to gain security, to complain, whatever, she fall for him, moves with him. You might find time passed by and you can't contest paternity (I belive ther're deadlines for this). You find your self payin CS for 18 years with out having a say in this child raising, education, without any kind of relationship with hum/her. Talk to a specialized lawyer, in your state. Too many potential scenarios. If you need to protect yourself, your future, a potential future family may be you are not that free as you wish.

With that said many people are capable of raising nother man's child.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Well I think you have to look within yourself and see if you are capable of following through with the relationship in the correct way.
In your own words "things were great", why would you be embarrased at bringing up the lad as his dad, being a good husband, and the man of the house?
I'd be far more embarrased as a man if I decided to kick all that you have now into touch because of some insecurity I had.

Just think, you will be the man who sees your sons first tottering steps.

You will be the man to hear those first "da da" words.

You will be the man who teaches him to ride his first bicycle.

These and other events will build an unbreakable bond between you and your son.

I may be a little biased because I brought up somebody elses child (notice I did not say son because he may have been the other mans child but he is my son) Admittedly my circumstances were different, my son was four years old when I met my wife and I adopted him at the age of five. He has always maintained that I am his dad and the other guy merely a sperm donor.
Even to this day I get quite a kick when I introduce my son to someone and they say "oh yes I can see the resemblance".

As to notifiying the other man I don't know, difficult.
My heart says no, look after your family and move forward with life.
But I think a lot depends on the character of the other man, is he the sort of man who would be upset and want to do the right thing?
Or is he a bit of a waster who can't take any responsibility?

As you say get counselling and I hope you, your wife and your son have a happy and prosperous life together.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Get an annulment quick . Talk to a lawyer immediately. You will responsible for 18 years of child support if you don't act fast.


And people don't forget stuff like that. You are being played. She trapped you, the good old fashioned way. I am guessing the baby's real father isn't as good a provider as you are or isn't as financially stable as you are. This is entrapment. Get out fast!! Talk to a lawyer immediately



> but let's assume she's telling the truth...


No way!! Take your blinders off. Considering you asked this question repeatedly.



> She did NOT cheat on me


yes she did. Infidelity is betrayal. She betrayed you well and good!! Then she willfully got herself pregnant and trapped you into a marriage. This is a very dangerous woman.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Wow, please ignore the "oh look past this! Your love can rise above!" advice. 



> If this man loves this woman, what difference does it make?


It making a huge effing difference that GAMike was DEFRAUDED.

Yes, she wasn't cheating because they were not exclusive. Maybe she didn't know when she got pregnant (snort, doubtful, I'm a woman), but she certainly knew SHE WAS SLEEPING WITH TWO MEN. She was sleeping with TWO MEN within the window in which is was conceivable (forgive the pun) to get pregnant. VITAL information that owed GAMike and that she *deliberately* withheld.

And NO you don't "forget" that. 

The kind of lies people tell say a lot about their character. This isn't a lie to save your feelings ("Oh, you don't look fat in those pants.") This is a lie to GAIN ADVANTAGE. Those kind of lies are signs of CHARACTER disturbance. 

If she would lie about the paternity of her child, there's not much else that's off limits. And you can't stay married to that, because you need honesty in a relationship to function. Lie about who's the baby daddy, you'll lie about the bills being paid on time, where you were after work and with whom, you'll lie about most anything.

Another telling thing? HER REACTION. I don't see remorse, or sh*t owning. I see I FORGOT. 

She played you. Pure and simple. I'm sure she looked between the two baby daddy options and hey, you seem ambitious and the other guy is probably a schlubb. She chose YOU. And she played you to get what she wanted (respectability, financial stability for her and the kid, not raising this child alone). What YOU needed? Honesty, all the information to make this decision? She decided UNILATERALLY that you didn't need that. 

Yeah, I wouldn't stay married to such a person. You cannot put lipstick on this pig and reconcile. 

And embarrassment? GAMike that is NO reason to stay married. Yeah, welcome to the I f*cked up club where we all get played and no one is smug. You'll grow from this. You'll have compassion for others. You won't be smug about life. You didn't do anything to be ashamed of. You asked the right questions and were deceived. People who love and care for you, and yes, admire you, will feel COMPASSION for you.

Can't stand that? Think they'll pity you? Well, you need to put your man pants on and deal with that. If you live with integrity, you don't have to care what people think of your personal life. You may find yourself a lot closer to people who help you and don't judge. 

Please don't let the pain and discomfort of exiting this situation keep you stuck in toxicity.

Also, the compassionate thing to do for this child is NOT raise him. He's still an infant -- don't break his heart when he's older and knows.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

That's a rough situation. All the answers are within you. Do really love this woman? Or did you marry her cause you thought it was the right thing to do? I think you have to do the right thing for you and only you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Pay no attention to love. Seriously. All of us who have ever experienced infidelity LOVED the cheater. You "love" the projection of her. The false illusion she transmitted to you.

Who we are, our character, is made up of our ACTIONS. 

It's possible to love all sorts of things that are bad for us. 

Of course you "love" her. You're human. You bond. Battered women love their abusers. It doesn't make it right or a situation you can live in. 

Love her from a distance -- a good, legal distance. And then stop loving her as you get some perspective.


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## dixieangel (Jun 28, 2012)

I cannot even begin to imagine how you must feel. I think she did play you in the most horrible way. I don't know how anyone could do that. I think that if you stay married, you'd be a saint. 

It's sad though, if you get them out of your life, the poor innocent child will suffer. Children need a mother and a father. You don't have to be the biological father to be a good one. 

No one would blame you for leaving...but staying would be incredibly impressive. You have to do what will make you happy.


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## GAMike (Aug 25, 2012)

I really appreciate all the different perspectives. I fully agree that I have to make this decision on my own and do what's right for me. I really just wanted to hear what other people have to say. This is a heavy situation to handle on your own and I can't really talk to friends and family about this, not yet. 

Some people have questioned our reasons for marriage. Honestly, I would have married her sooner if I could. We were never able to get as serious as we wanted beccause I was always traveling and living other places for a year or two at a time. She visited, but never made the big step of moving in with me. When she became pregnant I felt like I had 2 options. 1: Assume she's lying about the paternity and move on, or 2: Believe her and take responsibility for the situation. I chose to believe her story. Like I said, she has always been the most stand-up and trustworthy friend. I moved her in with me and provided for her in every way. I thought that was the right thing to do. We both wanted to get married, because we loved each other and also based on our beliefs about having children and marriage. Even before the paternity issue this was a very tough situation. We thought we were doing the right thing.

Now this situation is infinitely more difficult. I want to do the right thing, but it's just not clear-cut anymore. Can I raise a child that's not mine? I'm not sure. I think I can. Did she really truly believe that I was the father, or did she "play me"? I can't help but think I was played, but I know women can be off by a month or so with things like this. When she found out she was pregnant she tried to think back and get the dates straight in her head. She thought she had it right, but she was mistaken. I think that's a real possibility. Do we need to notify the biological father? I feel like we need to. What happens if I choose to raise this child as my own, but the biological father wants visitation? That would be one of my biggest fears. If I choose to raise the child as my own, I'd prefer to have the biological father out of his life. That being said, I still think he has a right to know.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You relationship is based on a lie. I don't think you can be off by a "month" with things like this. She did not even have a doubt(even after the birth). The lies are the biggest issue here. She trapped you. 

Ever heard of partners doing the 180 once they are married? She was likely able to keep up the trustworthy act for a long time because you were long distance. You never know a person until you lived with them


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

> I can't help but think I was played, but I know women can be off by a month or so with things like this. When she found out she was pregnant she tried to think back and get the dates straight in her head.


Okay, you're still ignoring the big elephant in the room. She knew she was sleeping with TWO men, both of whom could have gotten her pregnant in that one month window. A HUGE fact that she did not disclose to you.

Also, women are NOT off by a "month or so" -- you get your period EVERY month. You don't get it? You're pregnant most likely. Also, let's say for the sake of argument that she "forgot" when she got pregnant and she "forgot" which people she was sleeping with...

*Doctors* can tell down to a few days when you conceived. When you do ultrasounds and heartbeats, human progression is pretty text book and there is a LOT of technology. Doctors these days don't get due dates off by a MONTH. Fetuses develop and hit milestones at certain dates. They aren't a MONTH off. 

Quit spackling. She lied to you, okay? She LIED about this. She may have lied for what she feels are honorable reasons (she wanted YOU to be the dad), but she did play you. 

Only you can know if you can deal with that magnitude of a lie as the FOUNDATION of your marriage. 

Also, you say she's a stand up person. No she isn't. Look how she is dealing with this now. She isn't owning it. She is saying she "forgot."

How convenient. You twist in the wind, and agonize. She is merely.... mistaken.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Also, YES, notify the biological father. If you stay with her, you cannot keep living the lie. He needs to know and he may also opt to not be a part of this child's life, and sign away his rights. You don't know. 

Wouldn't YOU want to know if the positions were reversed? That you had a child in this world? 

It's absolutely the right thing to do to tell him. And also, you seriously need to see a lawyer ASAP. Just you.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

First off, as a woman, I don't know how you can forget who you slept with unless there are many men. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I didn't know til 2-3 months later, but I could simply do the math. If she is off by a month, I can almost guarantee she knows who the father is unless it was a ONS and she didn't know his name. Of course, that is speculating on my part. 

Next, you are going to need to talk to a lawyer. Like someone mentioned last night, if your name is on the birth certificate, that generally means your the father in the eyes of the law. Talk to someone in the legal field and find out what your rights are. 

Then, you decide what you want to do. It's easy for us to say cut and run because we aren't in your position, but I don't see how I could stay if someone pulled the wool over my eyes for so long on something so serious. 

Some men can raise another's baby, and some can't. I imagine those who can's partner didn't lie to them. If you didn't take that test with the child and yourself, she would still be lying about it.


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## GAMike (Aug 25, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> You relationship is based on a lie. I don't think you can be off by a "month" with things like this. She did not even have a doubt(even after the birth). The lies are the biggest issue here. She trapped you.
> 
> Ever heard of partners doing the 180 once they are married? She was likely able to keep up the trustworthy act for a long time because you were long distance. You never know a person until you lived with them


I certainly understand your perspective on this and perhaps if I were on the outside looking in I'd say the same thing. Unfortunately, I just don't see it that way. It's not a black and white issue. Regarding people doing a 180, I can tell you that we did live together for several months a few years back. I was between jobs and moving to a different location and I stayed with her. We lived together for that time and things were great. She didn't change a bit. For the time that we've been married and living together, again, things were great. She didn't change at all and she was the same person I've known all these years. That is of course until this current issue came up.


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## GAMike (Aug 25, 2012)

chumplady said:


> Okay, you're still ignoring the big elephant in the room. She knew she was sleeping with TWO men, both of whom could have gotten her pregnant in that one month window. A HUGE fact that she did not disclose to you.
> 
> Also, women are NOT off by a "month or so" -- you get your period EVERY month. You don't get it? You're pregnant most likely. Also, let's say for the sake of argument that she "forgot" when she got pregnant and she "forgot" which people she was sleeping with...
> 
> ...


Chumplady, you really don't need to tell me about pregnancy dating. Trust me, I get it. When I said she was off by a month, I was not referring to her cycle. I was referring to her memory. Maybe she was with him in May, but if you ask her several months later when she was with him, she might not remember exactly, she might think it was April or even March. Personally, I would remember the month and probably most other people would as well. But I can see how her memory could be off by a month. That said, there's no excuse for her going through with all of this without telling me that there was some doubt. It is that issue alone that I just can't get past and will not be able to forgive her.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

GAMike said:


> Chumplady, you really don't need to tell me about pregnancy dating. Trust me, I get it. When I said she was off by a month, I was not referring to her cycle. I was referring to her memory. Maybe she was with him in May, but if you ask her several months later when she was with him, she might not remember exactly, she might think it was April or even March. Personally, I would remember the month and probably most other people would as well. But I can see how her memory could be off by a month. That said, there's no excuse for her going through with all of this without telling me that there was some doubt. It is that issue alone that I just can't get past and will not be able to forgive her.


Didn't she call you with 10 days of sleeping with her? And why did she not get an approximate conception date then with the doctor ? Her memory might be a bit off now, but then it should have been a very recent event. She knew she was sleeping with more than one guy. There is no way that she could have not known about this.

Is the OM a deadbeat ?(Are you more successful than him.). has she pushed for a relationship with you before ?


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## GAMike (Aug 25, 2012)

Yeah, she did call me within about 10 weeks of sleeping with her. We also knew the approximate date of conception. Based on the dates it certainly was possible for me to be the father. She had been taking birth control the month prior to us having sex and her cycles were irregular, so we could not base the dating solely on that. She even had two small periods during the time that she was unknowingly pregnant. Comparing the known date of conception with the ultrasound dating, it was off by a couple weeks, but if you take into account the length of time sperm remains viable in the female reproductive system and also the ovum transit time through the fallopian tube, it was still plausible. I'm sure there will be rebuttals to that statement, but all of this information is true. I have good relationships with several OBs and MFM physicians and I spoke to two of my closest friends about the dating. Not necessarily out of concern for the paternity, but out of concern for the health of the baby and the significance of inconsistent dating. Ultrasounds are suppposed to be accurate to about 5 days, but she had several ultrasounds and none of them agreed. The range of dates actually varied by several weeks. I have quite a bit of experience with Obstetrics and I had not seen this before. I know user error can play a big role in US accuracy, so that likely had something to do with it. After speaking with a couple friends/MFM physicians, we were all in agreement that it was odd, but the baby seemed healthy, and certainly it was plausible that I could be the father. 

The biological father isn't a deadbeat. I have no idea who is more successful. Actually she had not really pushed for a relationship with me. It was almost the opposite. I actually asked her to come stay with me on several occasions. She visited pretty frequently, but she was not ready to give up everything that she had in her hometown. For a period of time several years back I would not have been able to support both of us anyway. She had a stable job back home and I knew it was a lot to ask for her to give up all that to come live with me and attempt to scrape by. Thankfully things are different now.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

> Maybe she was with him in May, but if you ask her several months later when she was with him, she might not remember exactly, she might think it was April or even March. Personally, I would remember the month and probably most other people would as well. But I can see how her memory could be off by a month. That said, there's no excuse for her going through with all of this without telling me that there was some doubt. It is that issue alone that I just can't get past and will not be able to forgive her.


She *knew* she was sleeping with two men, in close enough proximity of each other to be in question about the paternity of her child.

At the TIME she got pregnant, I promise you, her memory was NOT fuzzy. She cannot remember who she slept with 4-6 weeks (or less) ago? 

She had doubts. But she didn't convey those doubts to YOU. To you she was "certain" it was yours. No, she was never certain. That is a lie.

You know, you should contact the OM. For all you know, she might have told him, he freaked out, she didn't want to do this alone and YOU were called in.

In any case, he should know. 

If your wife has any character at all, and wants to take responsibility for her deception, she should tell this man she fathered a child with him. 

Look, I know how horrific it is to think your life is one thing, and you're on one track in life, and then discover that it is NOT that thing, and you have no idea what happens next. You sound like a very driven, ambitious, in control guy who has good values. I'm sure you're in shock. In GRIEF. 

There are stages of grief and one of those stage is bargaining. (Okay, maybe I can have just....this... maybe I can salvage THIS bit...) 

Another stage is anger. You're going to go through this stages and not feel in your right mind. I know we're not there living this with you, but other people have perspective you lack, because you're in shock and dealing with grief. 

I would confide in someone close to you what is going on. I think you need IRL support and comfort.


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## GAMike (Aug 25, 2012)

Thanks Chumplady, You're right. I haven't even taken a moment to step back. But if I try to, I can see that I have been going through the Kubler Ross stages; fluctuating between denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Regarding her lack of integrity I can say only one thing: She definitely lied when she told me that she had absolutely no doubt about me being the father. No matter how you cut it, that had to have been a lie. The question arises when I try to quantitate the extent of her lies. Maybe she was mistaken about the dates she was with the other guy, but there still had to have been some doubt. Did she consciously reject him and choose me as the father? I don't know. I really like to think that's not the case. I think she truly believed I was the father and convinced herself of that. But she obviously should have told me there was some doubt. If she had just done that one small thing we wouldn't be in this horrible mess.

I certainly plan to contact the biological father, hopefully I'll be able to do that today. I hate to say this, but what we choose to do will at least in part be influenced by what the biological father wants to do.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

> The dates seemed to be off by a couple weeks but she insisted the baby was mine as she had not been with anyone else for several months. Now let me reiterate that we were by no means a couple at this point and I would not have cared at all if she had been with someone else.


This is the other thing that kind of leaps out to me in your story. Her PREGNANCY changed the way you felt about her, spurred you toward a commitment you weren't going to make other wise. 

A man who loves me would really care if I had "been with someone else." 

Your feelings grew for her when you believed that you were having a son together, and a future. 

But in your first post, it sounds like you were racked with doubts from the start. You kept begging her to level with you. And she INSISTED that you were wrong. You trusted your gut and your gut didn't lie to you. That baby isn't yours. 

So to me, this says, your love for her is predicated on a lie. Later you say, oh it was you that wanted more. But which is true? If you wanted more, how could you be okay with her -- "not care" if she was with someone else?

Unpregnant, it doesn't seem like you were clamouring to put a ring on it. 

Also weird -- her "devastation" at the "news" that the baby isn't yours. 

She's devastated, IMO, at being found out. Not at what she's done to YOU. And to the OM. And to that child. 

What is she doing now to make this right?


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## GAMike (Aug 25, 2012)

chumplady said:


> So to me, this says, your love for her is predicated on a lie. Later you say, oh it was you that wanted more. But which is true? If you wanted more, how could you be okay with her -- "not care" if she was with someone else?
> 
> Unpregnant, it doesn't seem like you were clamouring to put a ring on it.
> 
> What is she doing now to make this right?


I guess we had a pretty open relationship. We certainly were not exclusive. I was ok with her speaking to other people and she was ok with me doing the same. We were separated by 1000 miles most of the time. Our lives were just in two completely different stages. Of course with a baby on the way we were able to do what we felt needed to be done. She actually wanted to stay in her hometown at first to have the baby with the support of her family. I was the one who felt that she should come stay with me so I could provide for her and the baby. You're right that we probably would not have gotten married if she didn't get pregnant, at least not now, but maybe later down the road.

Honestly, is there anything she can do to make this right? Of course she's sad, apologetic, begging for forgiveness, etc. But really, what can she do? There's no way to rectify this.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

She could own up that she lied to you, instead of "forgot." That'd be a starter.


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

GAMike said:


> but what we choose to do will at least in part be influenced by what the biological father wants to do.


You're going to let another man determine (at least in part) what will be perhaps the biggest decision to affect your entire life?

One that may cause you to stay with a woman who deceived you into marriage and supporting a child that isn't yours?

That's rather unimpressive.


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

GaMike, no offense, I am a woman. I have been pregnant, YOU DONT FORGET WHO COULD HAVE IMPREGNATED YOU, esp if there are only 2 possibilities!!!!. She lied to you about the baby. You were betrayed. If you can live with that then you should be able to reconcile. Also please remember the child AND others will most likely find out the truth some day. Its not your embarrassment. You can still be a great father, but soul search and make sure its what you want and what you can live with.


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## GAMike (Aug 25, 2012)

donders said:


> You're going to let another man determine (at least in part) what will be perhaps the biggest decision to affect your entire life?
> 
> One that may cause you to stay with a woman who deceived you into marriage and supporting a child that isn't yours?
> 
> That's rather unimpressive.


Donders, absolutely his decision regarding the matter will influence mine. If he wants to fight for visitation or custody I'll be much more likely to back away from the entire situation. I don't think any child should have to deal with that. If he doesn't want anything to do with the child then I would lean toward raising him as my own. I'm not necessarily trying to do what's best for me, I want to do what's best for the child. Regarding the relationship with my wife, I don't yet know what will happen. I still don't know what I want. I'm trying to let things cool down a bit so I can regroup.

Sunshine, your points are valid, but they have already been adressed and have been beaten into submission.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> She could own up that she lied to you, instead of "forgot." That'd be a starter.



One cheating wife bluffed memory loss until her H had enough of it. Then she confessed that she never had a memory problem. Until then she blamed her depression for the memory loss. Some just use bad memory as an excuse. Even in the "best case" , she might have had some lingering doubt about the father of the kid. Ask her to come clean about that first, so that you can start trusting her.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

GAMike said:


> I'm not necessarily trying to do what's best for me, I want to do what's best for the child.


Why? Do you give money to the poor? Do you ever think about supporting some starving kid in a third world country? Do you make charitable donations? Ever thought about being a foster parent or a big brother or just adopting some kids to get them out of a group home?

If not, then why the heck would you change your entire life and agree to support and care for a child who is completely unrelated to you? Especially given that you were deceived and tricked into supporting it?

It boggles the mind.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Dude come on please wake up and snap out of it. Do you really believe she somehow forgot she slept with somebody?


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## GAMike (Aug 25, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> Why? Do you give money to the poor? Do you ever think about supporting some starving kid in a third world country? Do you make charitable donations? Ever thought about being a foster parent or a big brother or just adopting some kids to get them out of a group home?
> 
> If not, then why the heck would you change your entire life and agree to support and care for a child who is completely unrelated to you? Especially given that you were deceived and tricked into supporting it?
> 
> It boggles the mind.


Sharkeey, the answer is "yes". So hopefully your mind will be less boggled. 

Warlock, we talked about that today. She admits that she initially had doubt, but after thinking about it she convinced herself that I had to be the father. The brain is a remarkable thing. I believe her explanation, but I can't forgive her for not expressing her initial doubts to me. She is taking responsibility and owning up to it, but that certainly doesn't fully vindicate the situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GAMike (Aug 25, 2012)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 said:


> Dude come on please wake up and snap out of it. Do you really believe she somehow forgot she slept with somebody?


No
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

GAMike said:


> Sharkeey, the answer is "yes". So hopefully your mind will be less boggled.


It sure is, thanks.

Happy Fatherhood!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

GAMike said:


> Sharkeey, the answer is "yes". So hopefully your mind will be less boggled.
> 
> Warlock, we talked about that today. She admits that she initially had doubt, but after thinking about it she convinced herself that I had to be the father. The brain is a remarkable thing. I believe her explanation, but I can't forgive her for not expressing her initial doubts to me. She is taking responsibility and owning up to it, but that certainly doesn't fully vindicate the situation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Owning up to it only after she is out of options. What else can she do now anyway? It wouldn't have been half as bad if you hadn't repeatedly asked her about this particular issue many may time.

Leave the issue about the kid, this kind of behavior in itself would be huge red flag in any relationship.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

The biological father needs to know and decide whether or not to be part of his child's life. Then and only then will you be able to move on in your own mind.


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## GAMike (Aug 25, 2012)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 said:


> The biological father needs to know and decide whether or not to be part of his child's life. Then and only then will you be able to move on in your own mind.


He's been notified. His response is pending.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

> It sure is, thanks.
> 
> Happy Fatherhood!


Hey, I know it's the internet and all (for the record, my real name isn't Chumplady...) but why the SNARK? 

Seriously, I can't think of many betrayal stories more devastating than this one, being flippant about it is awful. I'm all for asking the hard questions, but geez, show some compassion. 

GAMike, you sound like a stand up guy and I think that's part of your problem. Good hearted people get played. You're showing signs of codependency. First off, this isn't your "embarrassment" to own. It's hers. Second of all, you're minimizing this. She didn't "convince" herself -- she deliberately concealed this from you. And you asked her REPEATEDLY if she had any doubts. Nope, not one. And that was her story and she was going to stick with it. Until you proved otherwise. 

I can see she was scared, mortified, wanted to control this outcome. Those are all things she should be baring her soul to you about NOW. But, no, she's trying to still snow you and make herself out to be Not So Bad. Mistakes Were Made.

Big, big red flag. 

Next, I think what the other poster was so ham-fistedly trying to say is that it's okay to lay this burden down. Walking away doesn't make you LESS THAN. It doesn't make you a bad person or a quitter. 

Your wife has character issues. What if she were to deceive you again? Betray you? What if that happens in 5, 10 years time and you have that little boy who thinks he's yours and you want to end it THEN? Or now? You've got visitation and partial custody of a child and the wife is in your life for the next 18 years. It makes it very hard to move on. 

My takeaway from your story is that through circumstance forced upon you, you discovered certain things about yourself. That you seem excited by and enjoy a committed relationship, that you value family. That despite your hard working, traveling lifestyle, you have the ability and desire to settle down.

Those are wonderful things. And you can have those things again with another, deserving woman. Including children.

I know it's hard to think that now, when you are so enmeshed with your wife. 

Here's a story from my life, FWIW. It's actually my husband's story. He's a trial lawyer -- when his kids were little, he traveled a lot. Knocked himself out for his career, to be a provider. Faithful, loyal man. Worked crazy hours, built a wonderful life for his (now) ex-wife and sons. 

His ex-wife was a serial cheater. Multiple affairs over a 22 year marriage. And he had NO IDEA. When he found out, he immediately divorced her. And he had to paternity test his 12-year old son (fortunately, he's his, but they don't look anything alike). 

I've had a front row seat on what it's like to co-parent with someone like that. 

You've got a demanding career, like my husband. You're in the years of raising a family. You need someone you have rock solid trust in if you're going to be on the road. You need to know you're building a life for someone deserving of it. 

One of the reasons my H was so easily duped is he worked a lot. He thought he was doing right by his family, investing that time and those years. I don't have words for how horrific it is to discover your life is one big episode of the Matrix. 

I think your wife is a bad investment. She's a stock you should sell. There is a law in economics that the more you invest (even when you know it's bad and you're losing money), the harder it is to stop. 

It's easy for me to say, and hard to be you. But that's how I see it. I think you deserve to live your life with someone with integrity that you can trust unreservedly. 

This isn't a little lie. Frankly, I think cheating would be easier to overcome. She duped you into marriage and being the father of her child with another man. 

Grieve and move on. And please get IRL support. Your wife is not objective in this. You cannot lean on her now.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

GAMike said:


> The biological father isn't a deadbeat. I have no idea who is more successful. Actually she had not really pushed for a relationship with me. It was almost the opposite. I actually asked her to come stay with me on several occasions. She visited pretty frequently, but she was not ready to give up everything that she had in her hometown. For a period of time several years back I would not have been able to support both of us anyway. She had a stable job back home and I knew it was a lot to ask for her to give up all that to come live with me and attempt to scrape by. Thankfully things are different now.


I can't help but wonder if her reluctance to join you was because she was still seeing him and hoping he would take her. Maybe she tried with him, but he wasn't buying so she decided to go with you.


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## GAMike (Aug 25, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I can't help but wonder if her reluctance to join you was because she was still seeing him and hoping he would take her. Maybe she tried with him, but he wasn't buying so she decided to go with you.


I can understand that thought, but that wasn't the case. I could elaborate, but it's really not necessary.


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## dixieangel (Jun 28, 2012)

He loves her. And when his emotions settle a bit, he will make the right decision for everyone involved. 

GAMike, I believe you are a good guy...a rare find. I wish you the best in whatever you choose.


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## GAMike (Aug 25, 2012)

Chumplady, I really appreciate your input. I think you give really sound advice. Ultimately I'm afraid the big decisions that will be made will come from my heart rather than my brain. I'll get back to that, but first: Codependency? I guess it's not my place to attempt to refute that, but I must say that I have lived alone for the last eight years. I'm perfectly happy being independent and self-sufficient. Also, my wife really doesn't fit the personality type to attract a codependent.

Now back to the decision-making. I still haven't heard from the biological father, and we already established earlier that his input will in fact have an impact on my decision making. There is one thing here and one thing only that is really clouding my judgement; I am head over heels for this new child. I have been anxiously awaiting and preparing for his arrival for 7 months. I was there for his birth, and though I've seen many deliveries, his was incredible. My life changed the instant he was born. I want nothing more than to provide for him in the best way possible and be the best dad anyone can ask for. I still feel this way, even though he doesn't have my "DNA"; he's my son. I just don't think I could live with myself if I shoved him off into the world with an uncertain fate. This undoubtedly will effect my decision.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Whatever decision you have to make don't do it without talking extensively with a specialized lawyer. Too many potential outcomes.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> I want nothing more than to provide for him in the best way possible and be the best dad anyone can ask for. I still feel this way, even though he doesn't have my "DNA"; he's my son. I just don't think I could live with myself if I shoved him off into the world with an uncertain fate. This undoubtedly will effect my decision.


You are either the best man I have ever read on this forum or you are so co-dependant that you are fooling yourself so that you do not have to face some of the realities.

Do you think that you will be the * “…best dad anyone can ask for”* if your wife screws another man again and lies about it? You may want to be the best dad but having your wife stick a dagger in your heart is going to negatively affect you.


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## GAMike (Aug 25, 2012)

Mr Blunt said:


> You are either the best man I have ever read on this forum or you are so co-dependant that you are fooling yourself so that you do not have to face some of the realities.
> 
> Do you think that you will be the * “…best dad anyone can ask for”* if your wife screws another man again and lies about it? You may want to be the best dad but having your wife stick a dagger in your heart is going to negatively affect you.


Like I said before, codependent is not the right word for it. I'm in a situation that is hard to back out of. I'm not making excuses for her. She's not making excuses either. Am I considered a codependent because I want to do what's best for the child? I don't think so; I think that's just human.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

GAMIKE use the ignore button.If you feel you are being harassed.
Personally i can completely understand,that this situation is not easy to make a decision on..Quite frankly dont know either what i would have don in you situation..

Try to do whats best for you..


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

GAMike, as long as you are okay with everything you dont owe anyone anything. You mentioned being embarrassed? Or something back in a post, just remember you will not be able to hide the fact that your are not the bio father forever, people will find out and your son will need to know the truth one day. Best of luck to you.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Just because you're ready, willing and able to raise this child and provide support doesn't mean the bio dad should be off the hook.

He's legally responsible to support that child and if mom isn't going to go after him for support, she's not only being irresponsible but unfairly taking advantage of your generosity.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

GAMike said:


> Chumplady, I really appreciate your input. I think you give really sound advice. Ultimately I'm afraid the big decisions that will be made will come from my heart rather than my brain. I'll get back to that, but first: Codependency? I guess it's not my place to attempt to refute that, but I must say that I have lived alone for the last eight years. I'm perfectly happy being independent and self-sufficient. Also, my wife really doesn't fit the personality type to attract a codependent.
> 
> Now back to the decision-making. I still haven't heard from the biological father, and we already established earlier that his input will in fact have an impact on my decision making. There is one thing here and one thing only that is really clouding my judgement; I am head over heels for this new child. I have been anxiously awaiting and preparing for his arrival for 7 months. I was there for his birth, and though I've seen many deliveries, his was incredible. My life changed the instant he was born. I want nothing more than to provide for him in the best way possible and be the best dad anyone can ask for. I still feel this way, even though he doesn't have my "DNA"; he's my son. I just don't think I could live with myself if I shoved him off into the world with an uncertain fate. This undoubtedly will effect my decision.



Isn't every child birth the most fascinating thing for his father or mother?


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Mike, that's the heartbreaking thing about your situation. Of course you love the child. That's why my original response to you was about GRIEF.

On the codependency issue, hey, I didn't think I was one either until a shrink called me out on it. (I'm also pretty bootstraps, independent, don't need any help thankyouverymuch). Once i figured it out, it made total sense. Codependents are people who are usually super duper responsible. TOO responsible. They think they can fix things, especially things that aren't really their things to fix. Codependents don't like to take. They'd rather be in the position of doing for others, because receiving makes them feel weak. So they tend to attract takers, and accept relationships that are not reciprocal. 

In addiction situations, codependency is about enabling. But a lot of that is cleaning up the addicts messes, organizing their life so they don't eff up so much, anticipating. It's about CONTROL -- thinking you can control the uncontrollable because you feel less vulnerable that way.

A lot of getting over it is realizing what is yours to own, what is not yours to own, and letting people you love suffer the consequences of their own crappy actions. 

Some good articles on codependency are on Welcome to Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse Site|Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse (Site)! (If you can get past the icky kitty cat design.) 

In your situation, I think you're doing too much to protect your wife from her horrific deception of you. You're in a terrible place, because to protect yourself means detaching from a vulnerable infant.

An unforgivable position to be put in.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

GAMike said:


> *She really does not recall being with someone else* near the suspected date of conception. She knows who the father is because she had only slept with two people in the last several years, *she just honestly couldn't remember being with the other guy at that time*. I actually believe her. She does tend forget things at times.


WTF? 

That is crazy. Of course she remembers boning someone else. The fact you think she doesn't is CRAZY.

Nonetheless--you asked what to do--what do YOU want to do?

Figure that out and go from there.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Did you hear back from bio dad?


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