# Wife's refusal to work is worrying.



## auxsend (Jul 18, 2012)

I have been married for a year and a half. 

When I met my wife, she had a job, and I had a job, and everything was peachy. We eventually got married. 

A few months before our marriage, she was let go from her job. 
She didn't seem too down about it, in fact she seemed ready to move on. 

She hadn't found anything by the time we got married, but in my head, I thought that was OK, because it helped prepare for the wedding. 

Fast forward a year, and she has seemingly done nothing to try to get a job. No talk about it, no interviews, nothing. If I ask her about it, she becomes defensive, and makes up excuses about how she isn't feeling well. 

She has been to the doctor, and she is in good health. I am starting to think that she is taking advantage of our marriage, and using me as a free ride. The problem of course is that we are barely skating by on just my salary, and I would very much like to pay off our debt so we can live better lives. 

I can't think of a good way to bring up this topic of conversation that won't sound confrontational, but I feel it is time we talk about it before it gets out of hand, both financially and relationship wise. 

I don't want our marriage to hit the rocks this fast because she suddenly got lazy. Maybe she has decided this is how it's going to be, and if, in the end, it comes to that, I will feel let down and unhappy, but I can move on. I would rather get things back to where we started.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Yikes. Yeah, after a year I'd say she's just being lazy. Is she at least tending to the house and meals and shopping and things? I'm not sure I could justify anyone not working with no kids if they're capable. My wife tried this on me once...between jobs when we moved. Begged me to let her stay home and take care of the house. I still don't know how she justified that in her mind. She went back to work.


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## auxsend (Jul 18, 2012)

She does clean some, she cooks dinner most days, which is nice. But that isn't something that can occupy a whole day. 

We don't have children, and that is the killer. I know she just sits at home all day, and watches TV. If I say anything she just walks out of the room as if she is shocked that I would dare try to talk about it. 

It's driving me to the point where I can't concentrate at work anymore.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

How old are you guys? Did she have to work before yall met? Or was she taken care of by her parents?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Young man, I'm going to give you some advice for free that I paid dearly for. 

Trying to avoid confrontations in a marriage to avoid conflict is a fool's game. I'm not saying that you start off with "Get off your f'ing ass and get yourself a job.". But at some point, you have to step up and face things head on if it's something that's bothering you. As my MC said to me and my STBXW, you can pay now, or you can pay later with interest. The interest is the resentments and frustrations that can ruin a relationship much more completely than the initial problem. 

So my advice... Sit down with her, and talk to her in a calm, non-judgemental way. Don't blame her or accuse her of anything, but as questions of her. But don't take any bullcrap for an answer, either. And don't let tears or hysterics prevent you from digging for an answer. 

You should have a plan or thought about what you'll do if she absolutely refuses to work with you on this. Are you willing to end your marriage over it? Whatever you do, don't make a threat or ultimatum that you're not willing to follow through on. 

Just my thoughts, as someone who attempted to avoid conflicts within his own marriage...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## auxsend (Jul 18, 2012)

I'm 31, and she is 29. 

She had worked for years, and even worked when I met her. She even had her own place and everything.

I really had no reason to think this would be a problem. But it seems like since we've been married, she has basically decided that her working days are over.


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## auxsend (Jul 18, 2012)

PBear said:


> Young man, I'm going to give you some advice for free that I paid dearly for.
> 
> Trying to avoid confrontations in a marriage to avoid conflict is a fool's game. I'm not saying that you start off with "Get off your f'ing ass and get yourself a job.". But at some point, you have to step up and face things head on if it's something that's bothering you. As my MC said to me and my STBXW, you can pay now, or you can pay later with interest. The interest is the resentments and frustrations that can ruin a relationship much more completely than the initial problem.
> 
> ...


I appreciate that. I am not trying to avoid it, I just can't seem to get her to talk about it. I suppose I just have to force the point and make her have the conversation. 

If she insists that she will not get a job, I have no choice but to end the marriage, as much as I don't want to. I simply can't spend my life with someone who will not invest themselves equally in this partnership, especially after she gave every indication that she was capable and willing.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

PBear said:


> Young man, I'm going to give you some advice for free that I paid dearly for.
> 
> Trying to avoid confrontations in a marriage to avoid conflict is a fool's game.


:iagree:

Perfect breeding grounds for resentment and frustration. Just because you're not arguing doesn't mean all is peaches and cream underneath.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

End the marriage? Slow down a bit. You said her health is okay. Could she be severely depressed?

I have no good advice, but I can relate. My W stayed home to raise our two kids, but now my youngest is going into 2nd grade. W tells me that her "issues" prevent her from holding down a job, so she refuses to look for one. I make enough for us to live on, but it would be nice to have extra income.


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## auxsend (Jul 18, 2012)

thunderstruck said:


> End the marriage? Slow down a bit. You said her health is okay. Could she be severely depressed?
> 
> I have no good advice, but I can relate. My W stayed home to raise our two kids, but now my youngest is going into 2nd grade. W tells me that her "issues" prevent her from holding down a job, so she refuses to look for one. I make enough for us to live on, but it would be nice to have extra income.


I suppose she could be. I really do not want the outcome to be "It's Over" That is the last thing in the world I want. I'm just saying I am prepared to make that decision if it truly comes to that. I'm not going to beat myself down for 5 years because my wife just can't bring herself to be employed. It's not good for either of us, honestly.

I am fully willing to work through any issues that may be preventing her from wanting to work, I am not going to snap judgement that fast. I'm just having trouble figuring out a way of presenting this to her in a way that will make sense to her. 

She's smart enough to know that her getting even a low paying job would be the push over the hump we really need, she just can't seem to push herself to it. 

The hard part is that she always worked before, and now she just couldn't seem to care less.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

auxsend said:


> I'm just having trouble figuring out a way of presenting this to her in a way that will make sense to her.


Maybe check this out - Amazon.com: Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler: Books

I bought it for conversations with my W. Didn't help much, but that's probably more an issue between the two of us. It did have good info that I've used with others.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Even if she is depressed, she still has to be willing to work on the issues. Otherwise she's the issue. 

Oh, and make sure you take FULL ownership of the birth control prior to having the conversation... She wouldn't be the first woman in history to attempt to trap her man with a child, if she went down that road.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

What is her mom's experience? Anything there lead you to believe she think's she a princess who will be maintained in the style to which?

I kept hearing a bunch of excuses for years early on. "Got to finish school.""Got to finish law school.""Got to study for the bar.""Got to take the bar." Then of course it was kids and that, as they say, was that. Never worked a day in her life. At this point every year she spends time and money maintaining her CPEs to stay a member in good standing. But it's simply vanity. That's all it is. She's never worked and she never will. And now the excuses are "I've been out of the workforce too long!" 

All I can suggest is that you need to resolve it before you realize she'd happily watch the house get repo'd and all your stuff carted away by the sheriff and still she'd do nothing.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

You're not going to avoid conflict here, and personally I don't think you should.

It sounds like you are handling all of the financials - you obviously bring in all of the money, but do you also pay the bills, keep track of the accounts, etc.? It sounds like she has removed herself from reality by having no concept of money flowing in and out.

You should present to her a picture of your financial portfolio - being serious. Plot it all out on paper. This is how much I bring home each month. These are our bills. Here is our debt. Here is how we chip away at our debt. Here is the interest we are being charged on our debt, and with only minimum payments here the additional amount we will be paying this year in interest alone. Here is our spending money - here is how it is usually spent. If we could bring home XX more dollars a month, this is how it would impact our life. 

She probably does not want to talk about this. You will probably have to deal with her discomfort and press on. I recommend that you set a time for this discussion to happen, and do not let her back out of it. Say for example, I would like to have a family meeting tomorrow at 5:00pm. Topic of discussion will be our financial situation. That's it. In my experience - being on both sides of this situation - it is easier to set it up as a meeting ahead of time than to spring it on her suddenly.

Allow her to contribute to the conversation. Ask her for ideas of ways she thinks you can bring in extra money and genuinely entertain them. For example, if she suggested having a yard sale, say that is a great idea! That might help us chip away a little of our debt payments next month - but what about something that would bring a more steady income?

You are going to have to find a good mix of being kind, and firm. Leave your emotions out of it. If she reacts emotionally, let her cry, but be firm and tell her that you need to press on until a solution is found.

Listen - I've been the one in my marriage who HATES talking about finances. It makes me uncomfortable. I know I am the bigger spender of the two of us, and my H likes to point it out to me...A LOT. I went through a year where I was laid off from my job, and then couldn't find another job easily. The longer I spent not working, the harder it was to find the motivation to go back. It wasn't just laziness, it was a feeling of being out of touch in the workplace, losing my confidence to get another job, being scared of going out of my comfort zone and having to learn new skills...what if I didnt measure up? It is uncomfortable to think about having to explain what you've been doing for the last year during an interview and trying to make it sound like you've been productive when you have really been sitting on your @ss the whole time. It is intimidating. It sucks. For awhile I let my own depression/intimidation keep me from pushing hard to find another job.

Then, my husband had the talk with me. I knew we weren't doing well financially, but I let my husband handle the bills and finances, and kind of turned a blind eye to it because it was easier to cope that way than to be reminded of everything I was NOT doing to contribute. I reacted by crying, feeling like a piece of crap.

Then I got over it, and I got up and found a job. It was hard. I hated those interviews, I had seriously never felt so low about myself. I was shaking like a leaf the first day I went back to work, scared I would disappoint, afraid I would be a failure. I took it one day at a time and I got over it, because I had to. 

You can also try different methods that make it easier for her to understand the cash flow. I think the Dave Ramsey method - using cash in envelopes to budget - might be useful here. I am guessing she is likely so detached from the finances that she is not understanding how tight things are getting.


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## auxsend (Jul 18, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> What is her mom's experience? Anything there lead you to believe she think's she a princess who will be maintained in the style to which?


Her mother is a horrible person. She isn't much of a factor in her life. Her Dad however, while he doesn't take much from anyone, is a softy when it comes down to it.

I wouldn't say she was treated like a princess, but I would say that she has been helped a lot over the years, and she has sort of decided she did those things on her own, even though she clearly had help. If that makes sense.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

Maybe she got herself used to a routine of being taken care of and its hard for her to shake it off.

Tell her that there is talk of major pay cuts at work and you're really stressed out and might have to get a second job. See if she volunteers herself to get a job after she hears there may be a financial crisis. 

I know lying is not good...but it may help her get a push start.


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## auxsend (Jul 18, 2012)

kag123 said:


> It sounds like you are handling all of the financials - you obviously bring in all of the money, but do you also pay the bills, keep track of the accounts, etc.? It sounds like she has removed herself from reality by having no concept of money flowing in and out.
> 
> I am guessing she is likely so detached from the finances that she is not understanding how tight things are getting.


This is mostly it. It might even be worse. She has said a few times that she runs our finances. 

Problem is, she never even looks at them. 

I like your idea. Your story sounds almost identical to ours at current. Hopefully my wife will be able to pick herself back up like you did.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

auxsend said:


> This is mostly it. It might even be worse. She has said a few times that she runs our finances.
> 
> Problem is, she never even looks at them.


Watch out for this. My wife thought that never missing a credit card payment was 'managing the finances.' What it enabled her to do was amass a huge balance on her CC which would never be paid off if she kept making the minimum payment. Shame on me for allowing her to do that. She was so indignant when I asked about the balance that I just let it go, but it was a huge mistake on my part. Some people just aren't able to deal with financial matters in a mature way. 

I also endured the 'cheap' label from her. Someone who has no hope of paying off their CC balance in a reasonable time should be formally outlawed from calling someone else cheap - they need to learn how to be cheap!


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

auxsend said:


> I wouldn't say she was treated like a princess, but I would say that she has been helped a lot over the years, and she has sort of decided she did those things on her own, even though she clearly had help. If that makes sense.


WOW....sounds just like my wife and her early years. And ours isn't ending well. She worked up until we had our first child and we agreed she would stay home with them until they were in school full time, then she'd go back to work part time. When the time came, she'd gotten very comfortable staying home all day and refused to go back to work. We're divorcing.


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## auxsend (Jul 18, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> WOW....sounds just like my wife and her early years. And ours isn't ending well. She worked up until we had our first child and we agreed she would stay home with them until they were in school full time, then she'd go back to work part time. When the time came, she'd gotten very comfortable staying home all day and refused to go back to work. We're divorcing.


Well, if we had a kid, I could see it. But since we don't have kids, and aren't planning on kids right now, it's extremely frustrating, which is why there are only two possible outcomes at the end of this.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

To be fair though, I wouldn't mind half as much if she'd just STFU about money. It's one thing to be a slattern and layabout but it's a another thing to carp and scream all day about money when you're bringing zero to the table.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> To be fair though, I wouldn't mind half as much if she'd just STFU about money. It's one thing to be a slattern and layabout but it's a another thing to carp and scream all day about money when you're bringing zero to the table.


Your stuff cracks me up at times. Maybe it's hitting too close to home for me. My W, who refuses to work, constantly complains about getting a bigger ($$$) house.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You can change the conflict to something you can manage if she is not into resolution. Make plans to move to a studio apartment and to take only what will fit into a studio apartment. Also only one car. She can get up and drive you to work or the bus stop or wherever. If she can't manage to get you there on time and pick you up on time, you take the only car. Get a second job so you can have savings. Too bad she can never see you or spend time for you. Over time the issue won't be that she didn't contribute, the issue will be that you simply don't have time for a relationship, free her up via divorce if your time is not worth her investing in a job for. Then you will also have some savings even after splitting assets with her, to fund your new life. 
Be more careful next time about getting married to someone who isn't interested in a job. Clearly it's important to you but you let it go and sealed the deal without a discussion. An indication that she was capable of earning income in a situation where she needed to, is not really a predictor that with the removal of necessity, she would. You can also see an attorney and figure out how to separate her debt from yours, and your savings and earnings from a second job could be protected in a divorce settlement. You are right to move quickly on figuring this out. I would go with natural consequences, which is something parents also do with children, natural consequence of her not working means reducing expenses by no cable tv, smaller dwelling, sell possessions that are unnecessary, one vehicle, no vacations, and you get a second job and she has to manage her own credit and debt, like I said see an attorney about protecting your earnings. Maybe you have to file for a legal separation, whatever it takes to take care of yourself since she's not willing to be considerate of your needs, you have to take them as your own responsibility.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

thunderstruck said:


> Your stuff cracks me up at times. Maybe it's hitting too close to home for me. My W, who refuses to work, constantly complains about getting a bigger ($$$) house.


That's just it though. Everything goes up in cost all the time. College tuition, utilities, health insurance, taxes, food. I say Honey, stop telling me about it and scootch your ass over to somewhere what'll pay you. Or, be quiet about it. It's not that you actually HAVE to work aka we're middle class and self sufficient. But each and every time you count other people's money just remember they're a two income home. BMW's don't fall from the sky on the deserving people of the world, usually.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

I would never force my wife to work. If it was dire or not i still wouldnt force her, id look for a better job, and tell her that i am looking for a better job, and if she wants to work thats fine. She will/should be more grateful seeing you working harder to keep her and the future kids' needs taken care of.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm kind of thinking along the same lines as Homemakers post. Start by taking 100% control of the money. Take ALL access to funds away from her. Then start cutting things out. Cable? Gone. Internet? Let it go. Put the house up for sale or if you are renting start looking for smaller, cheaper places preferably in a less than desirable neighborhood. 

Give her NO spending money explain that with you being the only one working things are going to have to change. YOU buy the groceries. No more diet soda's, no more junk food, remove all her favorite treats, etc. Just the basics so she won't starve (feel free to eat out before YOU come home though).

If you did this I bet within 6 months she'd have a job. 

The problem is right now her life is working for her. You can talk all you want but actions will speak louder. Pull the plug on her cushy lifestyle and she'll find a way to bring in money to help you out.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

My wife works. I'd love to earn enough so she could stay at home. Which is what she would rather do. (She has severe arthritis which makes life hard for her.)

I am probably one of the last generations when the husband was expected to go out and get an income for the wife to stay at home and spend it on the house, etc.

Jeez! I just realised how old-fashioned I sounded, there!:rofl:


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

auxsend said:


> I'm 31, and she is 29.
> 
> She had worked for years, and even worked when I met her. She even had her own place and everything.
> 
> I really had no reason to think this would be a problem. But it seems like since we've been married, she has basically decided that her working days are over.


29 is too early to retire IMO. Sounds like she likes the free ride. Maybe ask her to get a job so you can stay home and watch TV for a while.

Having a bored wife is also a recipe for marital disaster in it's own right.

Amazed at how many people talk about equal partnerships and then you see this where the man is expected to provide for a wife who has no children. Huh? Under no circumstances should this guy go down the road of getting a second job because his wife will not pull her weight in the marriage. He should also not for this reason feel he has to get a higher paying job. Self improvement is great but he should not take a job FOR THIS REASON alone that he does not enjoy doing for example. i.e. take a job with much travel for the money sake just becasue she will not work.

But it seems that he assumed she would work. She has assumed she would not. Too bad they did not discuss this before marriage.

He could sit down and say to her calmly and firmly ... "You need to get a job". I doubt she could run from the table faster than he could say this. I mean seriously is she ok with him not working? How would they live? This is an unequal relationship right out of the gate. The sooner this is addressed the better.

29 carries its own issues for some women. Now you have one who is about to turn 30 and is home alone all day. So she can go into a depression or get lonely. Watching TV all day? Not good.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> My wife works. I'd love to earn enough so she could stay at home. Which is what she would rather do. (She has severe arthritis which makes life hard for her.)
> 
> I am probably one of the last generations when the husband was expected to go out and get an income for the wife to stay at home and spend it on the house, etc.
> 
> Jeez! I just realised how old-fashioned I sounded, there!:rofl:


Not old fashion at all, even christopher hitchens agrees with this idea.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

If a wife is not a mother, she should be working or attending school for a better career. 

I had a job and my own place when I met my husband too. I was in call centres for a few more years until I decided to return to school for a career, rather than some McJob. 

Even though my husband makes enough money for the two of us, I still seek to improve my earning power and I will be working part time when we come back from vacation in early August. I like having my own money and while I am not in school, I feel that I need to work. 

My husband feels that while he should be the main breadwinner, I should still work. I couldn't agree more because even when I am finished college, I will still be making less than half what he does.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

auxsend said:


> I appreciate that. I am not trying to avoid it, I just can't seem to get her to talk about it. I suppose I just have to force the point and make her have the conversation.
> 
> If she insists that she will not get a job, I have no choice but to end the marriage, as much as I don't want to. I simply can't spend my life with someone who will not invest themselves equally in this partnership, especially after she gave every indication that she was capable and willing.


Since she will not talk about about it do not force the converstation.

Instead write her a letter telling her what you need to tell her. Give her a dead line by which you expect to see her job hunting full time and a date by which she must be working.

Also tell her that you are open to discussing this. But if she does not want to discuss you then at least she knows your stance.

Also get the two books in my signature block below, "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". Read them ask her to read them. The books talk of a very effective way for spouses to talk about their needs and to meet each others needs. You have a high need for her to contribute to the family income and for her to be a productive person. That is more than reasonable. You have every right to expect her to work. The book will explain to her that (and you) that a spouse has an obligation to meet the other spouses most important needs. IF they do not the marriage will fail.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Not old fashion at all, even christopher hitchens agrees with this idea.


What authority does Christopher Hitchens have? Who cares what he thinks.

In our modern society, a woman has to be able to support herself and the family. The alternative is to live on the street if something happens to her husband.

A wife is not a pampered sex object; she has to be a productive member of the marriage/family. 

Sitting around watching TV all day is not being productive.

In past generations women did not just sit home and watch TV. They worked at home; they help with the family farm, the family business, etc. Today these things do not exist. So like men, women go out to be productive in society.


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

Christopher Hitchens is dead! 

Actually, he was a a big hero of mine. That line was partly in jest. What he was really saying was he was seriously rich and so any woman who was with him need not worry about finances.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## M2lngha1 (Jul 26, 2012)

auxsend said:


> I have been married for a year and a half.
> 
> When I met my wife, she had a job, and I had a job, and everything was peachy. We eventually got married.
> 
> ...


A true lack of communication in the beginning stages of this relationship seems to be the root cause of your current problem. Her desire to either be a stay at home wife or a corporate wife wasn't discussed by you two so alot was based on assumption and we all know how that ends! You're hesitant on sitting down with her and having a true talk with her regarding your thoughts. This again boils down to communication OR in your case LACK THERE OF! She defensive response is her way of shutting you down while avoiding the opportunity to face up to a problem from her end - LACK of COMMUNICATION! This issue won't go away, you, as the head of the household need to step up and get this situation under control. Right now it's simmering, but every day that it's not being handled or settled it's coming to a boiling point! This is when an argument erupts, things are said out of context, feelings are hurt, and a relationship is headed towards divorce. IF you love her enough and really want to stick with your vows then you need to do what's best for the marriage.


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## Gobananas (Jul 25, 2012)

I feel that it is really difficult to cope with this situation, as it is very necessary that both husband and wife are equally responsible to meet the expenses of the family. You can seek the help of any seniors family members to advise her in this situation or you yourself can make her understand the consequences of being idle.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

I can do bad by myself, I don't need help! 

My wife wanted to be a SAHM so I told her. "We get x amount of debt paid off you can." Boy did she ever get motivated. It was a win win for us. We are debt free and we can afford for her to stay home and raise our son.


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## mc1234 (Jun 9, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> What authority does Christopher Hitchens have? Who cares what he thinks.
> 
> In our modern society, a woman has to be able to support her and the family. The alternative is to live on the street if something happens to her husband.
> 
> ...


I totally agree with this. marriage is a partnership where each spouse is contributing to the household in some way. I graduated in the early 1990s during the recession, the only job I could get was pretty menial cleaning and genearal kitchen asistant. However, it gave me pride in myself that I was working and contributing to our expenditure.

When I had my son, I was a Part time SAHM for 7 years, during this time I retrained and worked as supply around his hours. it was the best thing I ever done as I had the school holidays with him when he was growing up. 

Your W needs to do something for herself as she may not always be looked after.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> My wife wanted to be a SAHM so I told her. "We get x amount of debt paid off you can." Boy did she ever get motivated. It was a win win for us. We are debt free and we can afford for her to stay home and raise our son.


Same here. The problem with the OP is his wife is already home. Her motivation is going to have to come from lack. She isn't going to work until he takes away her cushy lifestyle.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Just lower your expectations. We've taken exactly 2 vacations in the last 12 years and 4 or 5 in the last 30. If it were important to her, or at least more important than complaining about it, she'd get off her ass and do something. If not, oh well. Pick out a wall and she can bang her head on it.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Just lower your expectations. We've taken exactly 2 vacations in the last 12 years and 4 or 5 in the last 30. If it were important to her, or at least more important than complaining about it, she'd get off her ass and do something. If not, oh well. Pick out a wall and she can bang her head on it.


I agree to take away her cushy lifestyle, but he's also punishing himself. He can't go on vacation either.

I think I would have to rethink a marriage when one spouse refuses to work. Working is part of being a responsible adult.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tennisstar said:


> I agree to take away her cushy lifestyle, but he's also punishing himself. He can't go on vacation either.
> 
> I think I would have to rethink a marriage when one spouse refuses to work. Working is part of being a responsible adult.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep.

My husband lost his job in 2002... a very good, high paying one.

He's never found just the right job since them. But he cannot do housework, hardwork, cook etc either. Yes he'll do them on occassion but will not take responsibility for these things.

I work a 40-60 hour and I'm supposed to do everything at home while he sits around? Nope. I can sympathize with the OP.

We got divorced this last March. I'm not staying married to Princess Spoiled House Husband.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

dude.
my wife worked less than three years in thirteen.
she never lived on her own.
i paid her college.
she just dont work. Probably never will again.
i dont know what to tell you.
you pay for everything. It isnt so bad but the woman better come when you call her. 
Get her pregnant and have kids. it isn't so bad. 
Let her play housewife. It has its benefits.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Yes and I put my wife through law school, bar preparation and the bar in three states while pursuing my own MBA-MS-PhD (ABD). But still nada - zip. First it was the kids, and that made sense. But the years went on and on and still she's telling me she needs to be in mommy-mode (youngest child is a college senior) or she doesn't feel like or hasn't gotten around to taking the bar in THIS state yet or a million other excuses most of which end with "Shut up I hate you stop being a bully boo hoo hoo hoo!"

What.Evah.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

tennisstar said:


> I agree to take away her cushy lifestyle, but he's also punishing himself. He can't go on vacation either.
> 
> I think I would have to rethink a marriage when one spouse refuses to work. Working is part of being a responsible adult.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


he can go on vacation by himself or with the guys.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> Yes and I put my wife through law school, bar preparation and the bar in three states while pursuing my own MBA-MS-PhD (ABD). But still nada - zip. First it was the kids, and that made sense. But the years went on and on and still she's telling me she needs to be in mommy-mode (youngest child is a college senior) or she doesn't feel like or hasn't gotten around to taking the bar in THIS state yet or a million other excuses most of which end with "Shut up I hate you stop being a bully boo hoo hoo hoo!"
> 
> What.Evah.


lmao. you're cracking me up!!
i remember when i asked my wife if she was going back to work after the first child started shool. She said "no. im a stay at home mom".
i was like "sweetie, you dont have any kids at home to stay with". :rofl:
But i really didnt care if she worked or not. i actually like her home.
And course then we had more children so......
if i ask my wife to make me coffee and bring me a cup she will. do you even get that?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I haven't worked in 12 years outside the home. I'm a housewife and intake care of our children. I'm forever "retired". I do not have an "allowance". I spend whatever I need. I'm treated as an adult with respect. It was discussed that I would not return to work after I quit my job. No surprises here and no resentments. I'm not lazy either, far from it. Now I'm disabled and can't work anyways.:/


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Does she at least pull her own weight around the house?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

bribrius said:


> i remember when i asked my wife if she was going back to work after the first child started shool. She said "no. im a stay at home mom".
> i was like "sweetie, you dont have any kids at home to stay with". :rofl:


I will never understand why people ask this. My husband never did but others have. School doesn't last until 6pm when normal workdays end. I leave here everyday at 2pm to pick up my kids from school. And if I worked what little money I could earn would go to pay for before/after school care, clothes, gas, and eating out because I'd be too tired to cook. LOL


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I haven't worked in 12 years outside the home. I'm a housewife and intake care of our children. I'm forever "retired". I do not have an "allowance". I spend whatever I need. I'm treated as an adult with respect. It was discussed that I would not return to work after I quit my job. No surprises here and no resentments. I'm not lazy either, far from it. Now I'm disabled and can't work anyways.:/


Your story is not even close to what the OP is going through. His wife is able and has NO kids. You have children and you are disabled. Nuff said.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I will never understand why people ask this. My husband never did but others have. School doesn't last until 6pm when normal workdays end. I leave here everyday at 2pm to pick up my kids from school. And if I worked what little money I could earn would go to pay for before/after school care, clothes, gas, and eating out because I'd be too tired to cook. LOL


No buses in your district?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> No buses in your district?


Sure but my kids are still little. My youngest is 6. She's not old enough to be a latchkey kid. Bus gets here at 3:30. I'd still have to pay someone to watch them until I got home (my husband works long hours).

I don't like the bus because we've had issues with language, bullies, etc. They ride the same bus with older kids.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> I will never understand why people ask this. My husband never did but others have. School doesn't last until 6pm when normal workdays end. I leave here everyday at 2pm to pick up my kids from school. And if I worked what little money I could earn would go to pay for before/after school care, clothes, gas, and eating out because I'd be too tired to cook. LOL



That's quite true. The only upside is to keep you hand in the game for when you no longer have to pay for daycare.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> That's quite true. The only upside is to keep you hand in the game for when you no longer have to pay for daycare.


I think its too late for this advice. I never meant to be home this long. It was only supposed to be for a few years but 9 years later I'm still home (had a 3rd baby). Even though I'm an experienced CPA (I had the career first) I'm now old. I'm not sure how employable I will be the closer I get to 50. I'm 46 now. 

I TRIED to stay in my field but it wasn't family friendly (long hours/stressful) and it was either quit or get fired. I couldn't keep up once I had kids. And downsizing (less pay) wouldn't have been worth it to me because daycare was so expensive. I just felt screwed all the way around.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I think its too late for this advice. I never meant to be home this long. It was only supposed to be for a few years but 9 years later I'm still home (had a 3rd baby). Even though I'm an experienced CPA (I had the career first) I'm now old. I'm not sure how employable I will be the closer I get to 50. I'm 46 now.
> 
> I TRIED to stay in my field but it wasn't family friendly (long hours/stressful) and it was either quit or get fired. I couldn't keep up once I had kids. And downsizing (less pay) wouldn't have been worth it to me because daycare was so expensive. I just felt screwed all the way around.



Run a tax/accounting business out of your home.


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

If his wife avoids and the OP won't push, she is able to carry on freeloading with no consequences.

OP has to push the issue - both need to lay down their expectations of what they want from life and what they will contribute to achieve it. It should have been done before they got married but I can see how OP was side-swiped. Noone would expect a woman in her 20's who has always worked to pack up work without an explanation as soon as she got married.

If there is no compromise to be found, then there isn't really much of a marriage

Maybe she thinks she can just 'get away' with it because he loves her if she keeps her head down

Since being on TAM it has amazed me the stories of people who do not and have no intention of pulling their weight in life.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I know everyone's circumstances are different. Perhaps it is too late to embark on your old career. Perhaps it could be time to find something else.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> If a wife is not a mother, she should be working or attending school for a better career.
> 
> I had a job and my own place when I met my husband too. I was in call centres for a few more years until I decided to return to school for a career, rather than some McJob.
> 
> ...


Or do voluntary work, perhaps?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> Run a tax/accounting business out of your home.


I wish I had a dime for everytime someone suggested this to me. I'd be rich by now. LOL

I tried working at home and what I quickly learned was I still needed childcare. The other thing I learned is that running your own business requires way MORE hours than if I were working for someone else. Totally not worth it.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I wish I had a dime for everytime someone suggested this to me. I'd be rich by now. LOL
> 
> I tried working at home and what I quickly learned was I still needed childcare. The other thing I learned is that running your own business requires way MORE hours than if I were working for someone else. Totally not worth it.


I wonder if your husband wishes he had a dime for every excuse?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> I wonder if your husband wishes he had a dime for every excuse?


Look I'm sorry I poked fun at your suggestion that I work from home. I just get that comment so much that sometimes yes it bothers me. I do feel guilty for not bringing in money. My timeline is 6 months to a year. I'm waiting for my husband to get back from the FBI academy and then I will look for a job. With him gone I just can't figure out how to juggle it all by myself. I don't have family or friends to help. It's just my husband and me.

He has said he supports me in whatever I choose to do. All he cares about is that I'm happy, our kids are well cared for and that the bills are paid. Unless he says anything to the contrary I have to believe him. I keep asking and his answer has not wavered once.


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## Nix (Jan 23, 2012)

YellowRoses said:


> If his wife avoids and the OP won't push, she is able to carry on freeloading with no consequences.
> 
> *OP has to push the issue - both need to lay down their expectations of what they want from life and what they will contribute to achieve it. It should have been done before they got married but I can see how OP was side-swiped. Noone would expect a woman in her 20's who has always worked to pack up work without an explanation as soon as she got married.*


I so agree with this comment. I am about to have a similar conversation with my wife. We have been stuck on this issue for years but slowly movement is beginning to occur. Both of us have to make changes. I am finding that if I take care of myself the rest is sorted out naturally. IE; if I need expenses to go down then I need to make them go down, by downsizing OR by her contributing substantially to our household. As someone else said, natural consequences.


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