# Husbands ex gf's still coming up in marraige ADVICE PLEASE!!!



## hsclove (Apr 19, 2012)

My husband and I have been married for 8 months. For the most part, we are a happy couple. He does little things all the time to try to make me happy, and works all day so that I can stay home with our baby. But we have one issue that I cannot get past!! And i feel as though it will end our marriage at some point in time. Not that I want it to, but it drags me down so much, im not sure if I can deal with it much longer.
When my husband and I first started dating, he had an ex girlfriend that he wouldnt stop speaking to. he thought it was CRAZY of me to ask him to cut her out of his life. She was constantly cutting me down, calling me filthy names, and saying that she was gonna find me and beat me up, etc etc. Also, the whole time telling him she still loved him and wanted him back. We broke up for a couple months, and he was back to sleeping with her while we were apart. After that, he continued to fight me about keeping her in his life (through phone calls, facebook, etc) After many fights, he gave that relationship up. A few weeks later, another girl posted a facebook status of the song "superfreak" saying "Shes freaky, supa freaky" and my husband commented on it saying "Oh yes you are" We fought and fought about her, and he wouldnt give her up. Soon she was texting him asking how he could move on to me, why he was with me, etc. After more fighting, he stopped speaking to her. A few weeks later, a girl he still swears he was just "friends" with, that he spent some of his free time with (a few times behind my back) told him she wanted to hang out with him, but didnt want his girlfriend coming. When he told me this, he was drinking, and told me "i can tell she wants to be more than friends, so im gonna drop her" but then the next day said he didnt mean it, and she was just a friend, so continued hanging out with her. 
Skip forward a ways, I married him. He has PROMISED me that he will never again speak to a woman he had slept with, dated, or that I felt wanted to be with him.
He tells me his best friend Sarah, (who i have heard alot about) wants to meet our son. And she planned a lunch with us at a local resturant. I felt a little off about her, but asked him if they ever had anything between them except friendship, and he said hell no. The lunch was SO awkward. I could feel the tension. We went home and I asked again. He said "yes but it was a while ago, I didnt think it counted cause we were both drunk" I felt so hurt, that woman sat there and held my baby, the whole time her and my husband sharing a secret. We fought like HELL about whether he should be able to continue going to see her, and spending time with her even though they had a sexual past. (we still have issues with that subject with her, but as of right now he is keeping my boundaries) 
Another girl, a married friend of his, which i believe he has never slept with, but i can feel the attraction between the two of them. Also, i have read text messages from them saying they loved and missed each other. They had a nickname for each other, (even while he is married to me) where he called her "my apple" and she called him the same. He once left me while i was pregnant (and having complications, bleeding and such, scared like hell that i was losing the baby, and had just been to the hospital the day before) to give her a ride at 4 am, even with me asking him to please stay with me because i was scared. When i told him i was uncomfortable with the nicknames and phone calls, he told her, and she openly made fun of me for it. And he did not back me up, he allowed her to laugh about my feelings to him. We had a big fight over her. and i told him "this girl will be the reason our marraige ends someday" Even witht hat being said, he continued to talk to her, sometimes hours on the phone. Finally, he agreed that he would stop talking to her, and promised me i would never have to deal with her again. I left him countless times for this and sometimes the other women, but it changes nothing. Things had been getting better, we hadnt had one of these issues in almost two months. But just last week, i left the house for a few minutes, came back and his shoes were on and he was headed to his car. I asked where he was going and said "to go see zack" who is this "apple" girls husband. I asked him why he wasnt coming here, because we just bought a new house and i thought he would like to see it, also, my husband hasnt seen him since all the stuff went on with his wife and all, and he replied "i didnt think you would feel comfortable with it" when i got to the bottom of it, he was going to meet BOTH of them, and knew that "apple" would be there. When i asked him why he would do this after promising me that he would not speak to her again, he said "i didnt think it would upset you" which is his common reason. 

ok, this is basically what is going on. Now i know alot of women seem to be okay with their husbands doing some of these things, but i am not!! And i also realize that i have done a very poor job at respecting my own boundaries by not taking action the countless times he has broken promises and lied to me. I have told him over and over that i would leave him for it if it happened again, and still am with him. I am not sure if it is because of our child, or because i am too weak, but either way, i am still here, and still being hurt. 

He tells me I am crazy for feeling this way, that he has no life because of me, that these were his friends and now he has none. Am i crazy? Should I be ok with this???
Please someone help me. I will take all the constructive criticism I can get. I know i am doing plenty wrong here i just need help sorting it out. 
i want my marraige to work out so bad, but these fights leave me feeling SO unimportant to him. Like all these women matter more than me.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Sounds like he's a cake eater I feel that exes do not belong in a current relationship maybe if they have children together then all communication can be up front and about the children nothing else 

My ex used to text me all the time i got tired of it and would tell my wife and she would text her back asking if she needed to talk to her versus me funny how few calls she actually made yet if i said call me she was all over the phone Thank god that our daughter is now 21 and dont have to talk to my ex she is and was ex for a reason it didnt work would never work and i have moved on the same goes for yr husband he should have no communication with his ex what if yr ex was calling you all the time how would he feel ??


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## hsclove (Apr 19, 2012)

My ex has tried to contact me before, and he hated it. I then changed my phone number and blocked his facebook, and never again heard from him. I just wish it was that easy for him. And he has no children with any of these women, in fact most of them are married, or were married and cheating on their husbands with him when he had a relationship with them.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

hsclove:

You and your husband are both very young, it is obvious from the behavior on both sides. You both have a lot of maturing to do...it will come in time. 

You have been married for 8 months and have an infant. Your husband is acting like he's still single whenever he feels like it, and you are accepting this behavior. He is possibly feeling like he married too young, or not for the right reasons, or is finding the demands of living an adult/married life too stressful for his liking.

You need to sit down and do some serious thinking ALONE:

Step1:

a.) IF your husband truly changed his behavior (and you could see/feel it), would you still want to remain married to him for the next 40 years? Consider ALL of his good/bad points. Think long-term.

b.) IF your husband did NOT change his behavior, would you still want to remain married to him for the next 40 years? (for your child, for religious reasons, for whatever reasons) Again, consider all his good/bad points and think long-term.

If you answered 'yes' to (a), then you need marriage counseling.
If you answered 'no' to (a), then you need a divorce.
If you answered 'yes' to (b), then you need marriage counseling.
If you answered 'no' to (b), then you need a divorce.

That being said, if you chose Marriage Counseling you need to understand that without your husband's full and serious participation and commitment to MC, your marriage will not succeed. YOU cannot change your husband's behavior, only HE can. You cannot LOVE him into changing his behavior. You cannot CRY him into changing his behavior. You cannot GUILT him into changing his behavior. You cannot DEMAND him into changing his behavior. HIS behavior is out of YOUR hands. Realize, also, that MC will help you see where YOUR behaviors have been unacceptable or unrealistic or immature. None of us is perfect and 'you cannot fix what you don't acknowledge.'

If you chose Divorce, you do not need your husband's participation or commitment to it in most states. Many states are 'no fault' which means that you do not have to have a specific reason (he's an adulterer, he's physically abusive, he uses drugs, etc.), you can just say, "I want a divorce." Google "states with no-fault divorce" and see if your state is listed.

Step 2:

Time to speak to your husband. Give him some warning (a few hours? a day?) so he has time to collect his thoughts.

Sit down with him calmly when there are NO DISTRACTIONS. Baby asleep, no tv, no phones (if they ring, agree that they'll be ignored until the discussion is finished.)

Tell him that you have been doing some serious thinking about your marriage. Tell him about ALL of your concerns. And don't just dump on him. Admit to your failings (not the least of which is saying you'll leave if he doesn't stop interacting with all the girls and then NOT leaving....you have been threatening him. That is NOT the same as setting boundaries.)

Ask him to tell you what HIS concerns are. Don't 'lead' him (are you feeling like this? are you worried about that?), let HIM tell you what's on his mind. It might not be what you thought it would be. Ask for clarification if you don't understand something. Ask if he has any questions for you.

Step 3:

Reach a conclusion. 

If you both want MC, great. Make an appointment and get busy.
If you both want a divorce, make some calls. Start working on a budget for the divorce and making 2 households work. 
If one of you wants MC and the other wants Divorce, you can try a separation (one of you physically moves out of the house) for a limited period of time (3 mos, 6 mos) and see if your feelings change. Or you will have to go for a divorce because if the one who does NOT want MC is unwilling to try, the other spouse cannot single-handedly save the marriage.

Good luck!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

hsclove:

Your last post was interesting. Your husband was cheating with married women. That would seem to imply that he does not have much respect for marriage or marriage vows (anybody's.)


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

hsclove said:


> I know i am doing plenty wrong here i just need help sorting it out.


What makes you think you're doing anything wrong?

He made promises to you. Promises, by the way which I never would've made and would have ended our budding relationship. But to you and him, they were promises. They are the rules of the road for your marriage. He, apparently, continues to violate them. Honestly, just like most things, if I wanted to change the rules, I wouldn't do it covertly and with passive/aggressive behaviors. I'd just sit us down and have a discussion about changing the rules... above-board. He, apparently, hasn't shown you much to be trusting about. It's entirely rational, therefore, that you don't trust him.



> i want my marraige to work out so bad, but these fights leave me feeling SO unimportant to him. Like all these women matter more than me.


That is YOUR interpretation -- not necessarily "the truth"... none of which changes what I wrote above.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> hsclove:
> 
> Your last post was interesting. Your husband was cheating with married women. That would seem to imply that he does not have much respect for marriage or marriage vows (anybody's.)


I was just about to comment on that as well. This may indicate that your husband likes drama and needs to continue creating it. 

Since my bf had an EA with someone who was dating another guy and doing OLD; after their trip together, it was presented to me that she had a bf; anyway, sometimes I wonder if a woman who already has a partner looks more valuable because after all, she has been recently repriced in the market.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

HSC, you have defined a very clear and reasonable boundary to your H (that you will not work on a relationship with someone who is investing time and emotional energy into an enemy of the marriage). He has cleary not respected that boundary. And you have stated your enforcement method (to us on this board atleast) ie divorcing him if it continues.

So just make it explicitly clear to him that spending time with OW, especially his ex's will result in you filing divorce, then follow through with it. Sorry if it has to come to that for you but a marriage takes two people willing to work at it and respect each other's needs in the relationship.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

He is shady.

You guys need to discuss boundaries very clearly. And, you need to be firm about them. No other women except for you or you are leaving. That's the only thing that will work with a guy like this who pushes boundaries and manipulates facts in his favor. If you don't enforce those boundaries, he will take it as permission for him to keep his sleazy "friends" on the side for when you are not paying attention.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

hsclove said:


> of them. Also, i have read text messages from them saying they loved and missed each other. They had a nickname for each other, (even while he is married to me) where he called her "my apple" and she called him the same.


Pet names? There's way more going on between them than anyone is admitting to. If you snoop, you'll find actual cheating, I bet.



hsclove said:


> He tells me I am crazy for feeling this way, that he has no life because of me, that these were his friends and now he has none. Am i crazy? Should I be ok with this???


This is called gas-lighting. He wants you to believe that you're crazy and irrational so you don't listen to that nagging intuition that tells you how deeply untrustworthy he really is. He is messing with your head so you don't mess with his game. Bad, bad sign this early in the marriage. It WILL get worse.



hsclove said:


> i want my marraige to work out so bad, but these fights leave me feeling SO unimportant to him. Like all these women matter more than me.


They do matter more to him than you do. Or, rather, his own pleasure in interacting with them matters far far more to him than your feelings about it or about your marriage. That is what his actions are showing you -- he isn't done playing the field. You can either draw a line and enforce it or lose him to his sideline sl*ts. Do NOT tolerate his behavior. You alone cannot sustain this marriage. If both his feet are not in, then you need to send him out and change the locks.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

My wife and I allow each other to openly discuss exes and past relationships every once in awhile, but as far as still having any contact with them with no kids involved..........HELL NO.


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