# Newly Married/Disappointing Sex Life



## flightlessbird (Dec 5, 2016)

My husband and I have been married for 8 months. We were together for 2 years prior to marrying and did not have sex before we married as we are Christian and believed this was the right thing to do. Fooling around, I had the impression he was very interested in regular and exciting/kinky sex.

I lived as a non-Christian previously, having several long term relationships and plenty of great/experimental/intimate sex. My husband was a virgin when we married.

We both expected to have lots of sex when we got married, but it is infrequent at best. I didn't expect him to be amazing having had no experience, but having been with a virgin before I thought he'd catch on pretty quick. He hasn't. In fact he doesn't even seem to know his own body that well having just watched porn and masturbated for 2 minutes in the shower each day prior to our relationship. He doesn't really even know how to move and when he comes he just kind of freezes up and stop moving rather than thrusting...(please excuse the detail)...

I am so disappointed and I know he feels pressured by my desire to have more frequent sex than he does. I feel disappointed that my man wants less sex than I do! Any guy I was with before always wanted plenty of sex, usually every day, even more than once, which is more my drive.

He doesn't seem to enjoy foreplay - he told me once that he gets tired and that it seems like a lot of work. This is a guy who doesn't want to work up a sweat it seems. It made me feel like he isn't even excited to touch my body...not a problem I ever had before.

He is also a total prude when it comes to experimentation - it's pretty much missionary all the way. He has no problem with oral sex, but that's as far as it goes. I feel really unhappy - not only do we hardly have sex, but when we do it's mostly mediocre. We have had times where we really connected, but it's rare.

We have talked about it multiple times, but the more we talk the worse it gets - the more pressured he feels and the more frustrated I feel. I have tried to be patient, but he never initiates sex and I feel rejected most of the time when I do. He is always tired. We have had a lot of pressure and stress since we got married but stress never had such an impact on my sex life before.

I am so disappointed at the thought of this being my sex life for the rest of my life. Divorce is not an option here. So I feel doomed to be sexually frustrated from now on. I find myself fantasising about getting a whole bunch of sex toys and satisfying myself. But I don't want to hide things from him or make him feel any more inadequate. Or just having sex for the sake of sex with someone who actually wants it! (I would not cheat). But of course this would all leave me empty, even thinking about it makes me sad. This isn't what I want. I want a real connection with the man I married and a great and exciting and regular sex life! Is that too much to hope for?

It's taking an emotional toll. Seems this problem is usually the other way around with the guy wanting more sex and more experimentation.

I don't know where to go from here. Help!


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## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

Have you tried taking the dominant role with him? Perhaps he is overwhelmed and feels inadequate by his ignorance and is too ashamed to admit it. In your situation i think you will have to take the role of teacher being careful not to embarrass him. Take it slow, to save his manhood you may have to act as if you are learning too and play a little ignorant for his benefit remember a mans pride regarding sex is very fragile. Communication is key here too.

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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

why not take the lead. Get on top and show him your cowgirl skills. He only has to lie there and play with your nipples for that!

Also, teach him how to give you good cunnilingus. That way if you get laid and it was not enough, you can make him go down on you to finish the task.

Get in the habit of wearing very ****ty clothing at home, so that his mind is reminded often that it should be thinking of sex. Grab him and make him do you in every room of the house. Text him dirty pictures of you while he is at work, so he can not wait to get home.


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## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> why not take the lead. Get on top and show him your cowgirl skills. He only has to lie there and play with your nipples for that!
> 
> Also, teach him how to give you good cunnilingus. That way if you get laid and it was not enough, you can make him go down on you to finish the task.
> 
> Get in the habit of wearing very ****ty clothing at home, so that his mind is reminded often that it should be thinking of sex. Grab him and make him do you in every room of the house. Text him dirty pictures of you while he is at work, so he can not wait to get home.


I agree 100%, don't forget men are very visual, so let him see you a lot before you want sex to build up his passion. Experiment to see what he reacts to and key on it

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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Unfortunately, you may have to come to terms with the fact that you two are not sexually compatible. Obviously you can't go back in time, but that is the risk you ran marrying someone who was a) a virgin and b) never tested your sexual compatibility prior to marriage.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

*Re: Newly Married/Disappointing Sex Lif*

Welcome to the forum. You will probably get many on the side of the thought that you should have taken him for a test drive before buying the car...I got married at 20, both virgins, and we had a ton of fun figuring out everything in the years to come. It was NOT a problem for me and my XH. That being said...we were both virgins...different scenario. 

Since your hubby was a virgin he may feel inadequate and worried about not pleasing you. Also to being compared to these great prior lovers he is no doubt aware of.

Does he want to learn?
How does he react to suggestions?

What if you were to say..."tomorrow night we are going doggy style."
Giving him a chance to think about it ahead of time, get excited for it, and maybe get him imagining what he will need to do.
He needs his confidence built up. Praise him for the things he does well, or improves on. 

You love your husband, and you are going to stay in your marriage. It is all still so very new. Remember you have alllll that prior experience. Let him play catchup and never make him feel bad about his lower skill set. Praise does wonderful things. 

I'm in a different situation than yours, but many of the same elements apply. I am seeing improvement and I hope you do too.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

At 8 months, you don't need a divorce. Check out getting an annulment.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

flightlessbird said:


> Divorce is not an option here.


Why not???


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Two very good options:

1 - annulment as @Blondilocks suggests

2 - fix and never stop trying. This is very common here with husbands trying to bring their wives along so many here can relate.

Set up an appointment with a sex therapist - I'd go alone first. I did that and it really helped me get my own head screwed on better. Then I told my W and she was kind of shocked but she was very willing to go with me the next time. You know, no one wants to be left out of a discussion about their marriage. It was good to start a more serious dialog. I also asked her to have a session without me so she could talk about me if she needed to.

Also - get a bundle of DVDs from the Sinclair institute about sex. Usually women with little experience respond well to these moderated sex videos featuring real couples and real sex, but your H sounds like a perfect candidate for them as well. He'll see a variety if real people talking about positions, acts, etc and he can watch normal couples having sex so he will feel less inhibited and see how to act. After 30+ years with my W we are now doing new things (we were both virgins and she never had any sexuality modeled for her). There are DVDs on positions, toys, oral, even anal.

Take it slow with him. He is very intimidated and sounds very avoidant. But also never ask. You just see the sex therapist yourself, order the DVDs and start watching them, gently initiate sex. You lead. Lead gently with confidence. Don't show that you are looking for his approval or cooperation, just gently but clearly do this. If he has no choice he will follow. Even if he leaves while you're watching a video, keep watching and maybe start masturbating so he sees this is what you want. Point out that he is more attractive than the guys in the film and maybe even let him know if you feel less attractive than some of the women. 

Sorry you're joining the incomparable sex partner group on TAM but know that all change will come from you. Your best hope is to start immediately and don't show you are discouraged.

Good luck


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

This is really difficult. There is a huge variation in people's ideas of what constitutes good sex and some people are just not at all compatible. 

Since you have had enthusiastic passionate lovers before, at least you know that the problem is not you. Some women in this situation feel insecure and worry that they are doing something wrong. Generally they are not.

You say you've talked with him. I assume you have tried to find things that he particularly enjoys in bed. It sounds like he doesn't care - or does he recognize that there is a problem but is just unable to fix it?

Saying he is tired is an excuse - possibly an excuse to himself as much as to you. If he is not too tired for doing other fun things, than he is not too tired. for sex. There is no point trying to argue that with him, he will just change "tired" to "sick", or some other vague description of a physical discomfort that explains his lack of interest in sex.


30 years ago I married a woman I loved despite our very limited sex life. I assumed things would get better. We spent out 30th anniversary in an ancient palace on the grand canal in Venice. She spent the evenings reading, I read Facebook. She has never been able to understand how I feel, and never will.

Don't expect things to change, in all likelihood they never will. Just after marriage is usually the most enthusiastic, if not the most skillful sex you will ever have. There will probably be a burst of activity when you decide you want children, but then they will provide all the excuses he needs to not have sex again.

If you truly cannot divorce, then set yourself a time limit. Give it a few months of trying everything you can think of, go to counseling etc. After that, give up. Accepting a life as a monk / nun is far more pleasant that constantly having your hopes dashed.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

That works with someone who has normal desire, but lacks skill. Its is doomed to failure if he is low desire. 





Talker67 said:


> why not take the lead. Get on top and show him your cowgirl skills. He only has to lie there and play with your nipples for that!
> 
> Also, teach him how to give you good cunnilingus. That way if you get laid and it was not enough, you can make him go down on you to finish the task.
> 
> Get in the habit of wearing very ****ty clothing at home, so that his mind is reminded often that it should be thinking of sex. Grab him and make him do you in every room of the house. Text him dirty pictures of you while he is at work, so he can not wait to get home.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

flightlessbird said:


> In fact he doesn't even seem to know his own body that well having just watched porn and masturbated for 2 minutes in the shower each day prior to our relationship.


Your H knows his body. He knows that he can self satisfy in 2 minutes with the aid of porn. Is your H still using porn without your knowledge? If so, a majority of his sexual satisfaction is getting done in the shower.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> Your H knows his body. He knows that he can self satisfy in 2 minutes with the aid of porn. Is your H still using porn without your knowledge? If so, a majority of his sexual satisfaction is getting done in the shower.




I disagree. Knowing his body includes how to perform sexually... things perhaps we all take for granted... but if he doesn't know when or how to mount, thrust, etc. - and I suspect he doesn't - then jerking in the shower removes the need for sex and allows him to avoid dealing with his insecurities.

That's another reason I recommended the Sinclair institute videos


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Maybe the OP should get him "She Comes First" to read at his own pace. This could help build up his confidence (which I would have to guess is low being a virgin marrying someone who based on her experience knows what she wants), understand the female anatomy.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Do these Sinclair Institute videos also address religious upbringing that may have made sex seem dirty, or shameful or just "bad"? His religious beliefs might be part of the problem.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I know exactly where you're coming from, except that after 3 years of marriage in our case, it's always H who will initiate, as I have no interest in intimacies anymore. The last time I initiated was about a month after our wedding, and he got dressed and ready to go hiking while I went to freshen up in the washroom one morning (we were in the mountains; he was more interested in hiking trails!). Like you, we've connected once in a while, but it's rare. Like you, my drive is extremely high, just not with H. I've actually either broken or wore out 2 vibrators in the last 3 years, sorry for the TMI! I can't give you suggestions on what to do, as I don't know myself, but just want to say that I know where you're coming from, and it's extremely frustrating. And, it's gotten worse as time has gone on here as well.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Ursula said:


> I know exactly where you're coming from, except that after 3 years of marriage in our case, it's always H who will initiate, as I have no interest in intimacies anymore. The last time I initiated was about a month after our wedding, and he got dressed and ready to go hiking while I went to freshen up in the washroom one morning (we were in the mountains; he was more interested in hiking trails!). Like you, we've connected once in a while, but it's rare. Like you, my drive is extremely high, just not with H. I've actually either broken or wore out 2 vibrators in the last 3 years, sorry for the TMI! I can't give you suggestions on what to do, as I don't know myself, but just want to say that I know where you're coming from, and it's extremely frustrating. And, it's gotten worse as time has gone on here as well.


Wow, so you have specifically lost your sexual attraction for your husband? Has he physically changed? Have you told him you feel this way?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

wantshelp said:


> Wow, so you have specifically lost your sexual attraction for your husband? Has he physically changed? Have you told him you feel this way?


I have, yes, and have tried to bring it up on occasion, but like the OP, it just puts pressure on him to perform (he actually has told me that he feels the pressure). He was also a virgin when we married, and is now in his later 40s. Unfortunately, we cannot discuss the important topics that life brings to us, as we almost always end up arguing, and I end up feeling bad for bring up the subject in the first place. So, we stick to simple conversation. I'm looking into going to a therapist to figure things out, probably in the New Year.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

TheTruthHurts said:


> I disagree. Knowing his body includes how to perform sexually... things perhaps we all take for granted... but if he doesn't know when or how to mount, thrust, etc. - and I suspect he doesn't - *then jerking in the shower removes the need for sex and allows him to avoid dealing with his insecurities.
> *
> That's another reason I recommended the Sinclair institute videos
> 
> ...


 That was my point(in bold). The rest of it is immaterial. And it may not be insecurities. He simply is satisfying himself.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

He must not be a very good Christian if he regularly watched porn and wacked off. I believe both are considered sin...?

Another case of religion killing a person's ability to have an excellent sex life, the way God intended!
@flightlessbird

If you come back ... 

What are the chances of your husband agreeing to not masturbate anymore?

Obviously at this point your husband has come to realize the wedding ring doesn't magically cause Jesus to bless his penis and make him a decent lover. That takes regular old human effort, human knowledge, and human experience. Does your husband desire to have a great sex life with you?

Wha does your husband consider a great sex life? Ask him to describe how a marital sex life should look like and then ask him what a great marital sex life would look like. You may find that your husband is simply not a sexual kinda guy.and this is most likely the case because it's very difficult to remain a virgin, especially in today's sexual culture, unless you're just not very sexual anyway. 

If your husband isn't a very sexual guy, there is nothing at all that you can do. I know that is not something you want to hear or believe, but I've been here since 2013 and I've only seen one husband who started as a sexual dud turn it around and become a sexual hero. I've seen more wives turn it around, but that number is also rare.

Sorry. You've been sold something that doesn't fit the description on the label.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Find a good sex therapist in your city, make an appointment, and tell him if he doesn't intend, you're moving out.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

@Ursula: do I understand correctly that you married a guy who was in his late 30s and still a virgin? If so, abandon all hope of a decent sex life if you stay married to him. I am about as big a loser with woman as any guy I know, and even I found a way to have sex a few times in my 20s and 30s. If this guy wanted to stay a virgin until he got married, and managed to make it to his late 30s until he got married, then he either has no sex drive or he has incredibly huge hangups about sex. In either case, the chances of you overcoming this and building a satisfying sex life with him are quite slim. A guy with a typical sex drive would not be able to wait until his mid to late 30s to have sex.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Holdingontoit said:


> @Ursula: do I understand correctly that you married a guy who was in his late 30s and still a virgin? If so, abandon all hope of a decent sex life if you stay married to him. I am about as big a loser with woman as any guy I know, and even I found a way to have sex a few times in my 20s and 30s. If this guy wanted to stay a virgin until he got married, and managed to make it to his late 30s until he got married, then he either has no sex drive or he has incredibly huge hangups about sex. In either case, the chances of you overcoming this and building a satisfying sex life with him are quite slim. A guy with a typical sex drive would not be able to wait until his mid to late 30s to have sex.


I agree, and should've thought of that 4 years ago! He was actually in his mid-40s when we married, and had tried once to have sex with his long ago GF, but it was too painful for her, so they shared intimacies in other ways. Suddenly, the song, "If I Could Turn Back Time" is running through my head! :grin2:


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I'm the higher drive parter in my marriage of 21 years. Neither my DH not I were virgins when we got married and we had a sexual relationship prior to getting married. So I knew there was a problem from the get go but hoped it would improve in time. 

I have recently (last 3 years) become somewhat successful in finding a compromise I am happy with. 

There are also things I had to accept. When people have lower sex drives they are happy with less sex. They have little interest in toys, positions, lingerie, role play, etc. Can you talk them into these things? Yes, but I don't think that is what we crave. What we crave is a partner who matches our own desire. And you unfortunately can't get that out of a person who has a much lower sex drive. 

I think we normally see the women being the virgins who as it turns out just have little interest in sex. And that will only change if the woman happens to have some sort of block that can eventually be removed. If there is no block and it's just a matter of being meh about sex there is a much lower range of success. 

Now - it hurts for anyone to be rejected and it hurts for anyone to feel unwanted. But with women I think there is an extra measure of shame because men are supposed to want sex constantly. It only takes one or two times of being turned down because DH is tired - when you came to bed in sexy lingerie. Or when you offer a blow job and are told maybe tomorrow. You know when an extra 20 minutes ties of sleep is more important than the chance to be intimate with me, that's the stuff right there that kills a person inside. 

I was able to turn my situation around somewhat. I have confidence again and DH now makes our sex life a priority. We will never be having sex daily - but I have his full attention. He was never a bad lover so much as a naive one, maybe lazy. 

I'm very sorry you are going through this. What a disappointment when you waited that long.


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## flightlessbird (Dec 5, 2016)

.


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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

If he's a complete Normal man, he will melt when u give him blowjobs... try it out !!!

Dont give him just for the sake of sex.. Feel the urge to have it desperately ...


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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

Most of the solution for men lies in blowjobs ... we men just go crazy for mind-blowing blowjobs... But women should be able to give blowjobs the way they do in porn...


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## flightlessbird (Dec 5, 2016)

*Re: Newly Married/Disappointing Sex Lif*



Spicy said:


> Welcome to the forum. You will probably get many on the side of the thought that you should have taken him for a test drive before buying the car...I got married at 20, both virgins, and we had a ton of fun figuring out everything in the years to come. It was NOT a problem for me and my XH. That being said...we were both virgins...different scenario.
> 
> Since your hubby was a virgin he may feel inadequate and worried about not pleasing you. Also to being compared to these great prior lovers he is no doubt aware of.
> 
> ...


yes you are right, i know he feels inadequate. it's a weird scenario though because if i give him suggestions for improvement he feels uncomfortable about the idea that i know what i want because of previous experience. he is obsessed with the idea that we are not discovering everything together...


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## flightlessbird (Dec 5, 2016)

peterrabbit said:


> Have you tried taking the dominant role with him? Perhaps he is overwhelmed and feels inadequate by his ignorance and is too ashamed to admit it. In your situation i think you will have to take the role of teacher being careful not to embarrass him. Take it slow, to save his manhood you may have to act as if you are learning too and play a little ignorant for his benefit remember a mans pride regarding sex is very fragile. Communication is key here too.
> 
> Sent from my Nexus 10 using Tapatalk


yes! he seemed into the idea of me taking a more dominant role at first, but he seems to battle with then feeling like he isn't in the lead/the male role. he also struggles with thoughts about my past when i clearly know what i am doing...so i have to tread the line between leading and acting a little naiver than i am.


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## flightlessbird (Dec 5, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> At 8 months, you don't need a divorce. Check out getting an annulment.


an annulment requires that you weren't in a sound mind when making the decision or that there are obvious reasons your marriages should be void - ie: incest. i don't think you can just say - my husband isn't that into sex and get one haha.


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## flightlessbird (Dec 5, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> I disagree. Knowing his body includes how to perform sexually... things perhaps we all take for granted... but if he doesn't know when or how to mount, thrust, etc. - and I suspect he doesn't - then jerking in the shower removes the need for sex and allows him to avoid dealing with his insecurities.
> 
> That's another reason I recommended the Sinclair institute videos
> 
> ...


yes, he has mentioned how sex is totally different than he thought and that it was a lot easier to just masturbate in the shower. i find the concept hard to understand because so much of the pleasure to me lies in the other person's reactions and pleasure - which is so worth the 'work.'


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## flightlessbird (Dec 5, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> He must not be a very good Christian if he regularly watched porn and wacked off. I believe both are considered sin...?
> 
> Another case of religion killing a person's ability to have an excellent sex life, the way God intended!
> 
> ...


as far as i know he has stopped masturbating. whole heartedly agree with your statement: "Obviously at this point your husband has come to realize the wedding ring doesn't magically cause Jesus to bless his penis and make him a decent lover. That takes regular old human effort, human knowledge, and human experience." - and it made me giggle, so thanks for that!

he does desire to have a great sex life yeah. i think he is just overwhelmed and it is different to what he thought.


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## flightlessbird (Dec 5, 2016)

Holdingontoit said:


> @Ursula: do I understand correctly that you married a guy who was in his late 30s and still a virgin? If so, abandon all hope of a decent sex life if you stay married to him. I am about as big a loser with woman as any guy I know, and even I found a way to have sex a few times in my 20s and 30s. If this guy wanted to stay a virgin until he got married, and managed to make it to his late 30s until he got married, then he either has no sex drive or he has incredibly huge hangups about sex. In either case, the chances of you overcoming this and building a satisfying sex life with him are quite slim. A guy with a typical sex drive would not be able to wait until his mid to late 30s to have sex.


late twenties, not thirties...


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## flightlessbird (Dec 5, 2016)

thank you all for your ideas and responses! i think a couple of good books and possibly some kind of therapy could be a good place to start...


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

*Re: Newly Married/Disappointing Sex Lif*



flightlessbird said:


> yes you are right, i know he feels inadequate. it's a weird scenario though because if *i give him suggestions for improvement he feels uncomfortable about the idea that i know what i want because of previous experience.* he is obsessed with the idea that we are not discovering everything together...


Well then you can use his avid Christian faith to help you! 

Did you ever hear this story in the bible:



> Mary Magdalene was regarded in Western Christianity as a repentant prostitute or promiscuous woman.


If Jesus himself can find it in himself not to judge and become obsessed with this, then your husband should let his faith serve as a model of how to handle his feeling in this regard. 

That should help you! And by all means I am NOT shaming you at all for having had previous relationships. The fact you want to be with your husband and celebrate you marriage is all that matters and that is a beautiful thing. In modern times we virtually ALL have had previous partners. Does this help someone who was married as a virgin come to terms with the idea that remaining a virgin was probably more of a way to sheild themselves from rejection and their own low self confidence? OMG, how dare I say that! I know my experiences with other women before getting married were experiences that guided me to know what I wanted in a wife. I have no mysteries of what it is like to have sex with other women, and everyday that I wake up those experiences help me to know without a doubt that my wife is the person that I want to be with for the rest of my life. 

So if your husband is jealous of your previous partners, explain to him that it is your other partners that should be jealous of him, because he is the one you chose!

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

flightlessbird said:


> yes, he has mentioned how sex is totally different than he thought and that it was a lot easier to just masturbate in the shower. i find the concept hard to understand because so much of the pleasure to me lies in the other person's reactions and pleasure - which is so worth the 'work.'


Hire a lawyer and file for divorce immediately. Seriously. Two reasons.

First, you are never going to have a satisfying sex life with this man. He does not enjoy partner sex enough to be a good partner for you. He holds it against you that you are not a virgin. Seriously? he should be thankful that you know what you enjoy. So many young women don't. You are a precious gift, and he spurns you. His thinking on sex is totally messed up and will take years of therapy to unwind, which I believe he will never willingly undertake.

Second, he is incredibly selfish. If he does not take pleasure in bringing you joy, this will manifest itself in numerous ways over the years. What is going to happen when you get sick? What is going to happen when you have children? is he going to tend to you and them? Is he going to take joy in your joy and their joy and take pride in caring for all of you? Or is he going to see you and the kids as a burden and a distraction? Life is not about quick and easy. Life and marriage is about investing in things that matter. he does not seem willing to put in the work to invest in other people.

Get out now. By the time you stay with him long enough to realize I was correct, you will have wasted years or decades of your life and be in far worse shape to find another better partner and build your life with that guy.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

flightlessbird said:


> yes, he has mentioned how sex is totally different than he thought and that it was a lot easier to just masturbate in the shower. i find the concept hard to understand because so much of the pleasure to me lies in the other person's reactions and pleasure - which is so worth the 'work.'


Does he show you any reactions or give you compliments during intercourse? 
Any enthusiasm about trying things?

All he's known before you is porn and masturbatation. 
Porn and Hollywood movies make sex look easy, well it is for some but if you're a beginner it can be difficult. 

If you have more experience than him and you want passionate sex then maybe you'll have to take the lead and show him some moves. 

Don't worry about him judging you, be confident, your past experience if anything will be of benefit and help for him. 


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Skip the books and go right to a sex therapist - a good one. I suspect this is not about education, it's probably about hangups. If this is the case, you need help from the therapist to start with fixing his head before you can move to helping him with his body. Find a good sex therapist immediately. You are going to start to build up resentment and unhealthy patterns in your marriage if you don't address this quickly. 

The good news is that this can be fixed IF your husband and you are willing to do the work and are patient, kind, and loving towards each other. Yes therapy is expensive - I know - but so is divorce - and so is emotionally unhappiness in a bad marriage. If you both do the work - it will be money well spent!!! Don't think you can fix this yourself. IF I am correct about this being a serious hangup issue - it took him his life time to get this messed up. It will take professional help to undo it and replace with healthy thinking patterns and actions! 

https://www.aasect.org/

When calling a therapist to check them out - describe the situation and ask if they have experience and success in treating this specific problem. Also understand that the sessions are run just like regular counseling - only these therapists have extra education and training in treating sexual issues. Both of you should feel comfortable with the therapist and his/her style of counseling. If not - find another one that you are more comfortable with. 

Oh - and IMO, the porn and masturbation need to stop! It's reinforcing his negative pattern of getting his release quickly with as little effort and human connection as possible, not to mention porn is teaching him poor skills concerning sexual relations with women. 

Good Luck!


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

This is particularly worrisome for chances of things improving. For most people the enjoyable thing about sex is the interaction with another person. Almost everyone can give themselves an orgasm more quickly than they can have one with a partner. If an orgasm were the goal, no one would ever bother to have sex with a partner. 

From discussions, and my experience with my wife, some low desire people seem to not react to the shared intimacy. They see sex as a means to an O, and seem confused about why they are being pressured when you can so easily take care of yourself. 

I don't know how often this can change for someone. 

If you were able to divorce, I'd tell you to do so now. Since you can't, I don't have any suggestions. 




flightlessbird said:


> yes, he has mentioned how sex is totally different than he thought and that it was a lot easier to just masturbate in the shower. i find the concept hard to understand because so much of the pleasure to me lies in the other person's reactions and pleasure - which is so worth the 'work.'


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There's a reason he was never married...


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Your latest post really starts to make sense to me. People here are bashing him, but I see a guy who is really intimidated by his W and her sexual past. Plus he's pretty ignorant about sex himself. It's a bad combination.

Very similar to a BS who has "mind movies" of the A - only in this case he doesn't know who your partner was, what you did, how many partners you had, etc. Sounds pretty soul crushing, actually.

I realize lots of people will jump to your defense to avoid "shaming you" about your sexual history, but I'd ask them not to. This is about you understanding your H and seeing how to reach him, and not about your sexual past, per se.

I was a virgin too so I know exactly how I would feel if my W had a full sex life before we met. A lot of people have strong opinions about whether this is valid or not, but I can say with certainty my feelings and emotions are mine and your H's are His and they are perfectly valid. Guys suck at working through emotions so you'll have to lead here.

I strongly recommend a sex therapist where you can more openly and safely bring this up, and where someone qualified can drag this out of him so it can be addressed. He may just need a forum to express his feelings of inadequacy and uncertainty without judgement, and be able to talk through it. Hopefully a therapist would provide recommendations for ways to get past this or even use it your sexual past in a positive relationship building way. Ideally you'll be able to present it as a positive. Can you relate it back to how you first started and maybe we're insecure or just "bad" at sex? If so, that might help him to know you've been there too.

I think this needs to get out into the open. These types of things fester and then people start to behave in crazy and unpredictable ways. Then you're chasing some behavior or dealing with an argument that is really just a manifestation of a completely different underlying insecurity.

Can you think of a non threatening way to bring this up without a therapist? Can you be gentle and honest, and just say "I want to be open about my sexual past because I know we can have a better sexual relationship than my past even, if you and I can talk about things". IDK. You know him.

But not talking about it certainly won't allow him to get past it.

Good luck. If he's an accommodating and generous person, those qualities might give him what he needs to work with you in this.

If you stay with him, do so only if you can get past these issues. Good luck.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Stack (Mar 14, 2016)

I haven't read all of the replies, but if I may... 

1) Have you watched porn with him? If so, what type? If so, did he seem to get aroused? Or is it just his thing? Porn RUINS sex. That's the lie about porn. It is not a harmless activity. Porn devalues sex into "getting off" and only "getting off." Quick. Neat. Done. Sharing the experience and giving pleasure are not part of porn. The more he watches, the more sex becomes a solo act.

In addition, most people start watching "normal" porn, e.g. between man/woman or men/women. But, generally speaking, the more porn someone watches, especially years of regular viewing, what used to "turn them on" no longer does. Thus, they MUST watch porn with a deviant twist, e.g. rape/violence, incest, animals, necrophilia, child, etc. to get aroused. Deviant porn begets more deviant porn. People who have overcome their addiction, and are honest about it... the stuff they watched, needed to see, just to "get off" would sicken a normal person. 

2) He doesn't like foreplay? Too much work? Guys are guys. We are visual. We like touching and kissing the female body. I was sixteen when I lost my virginity and I couldn't wait to grope her boobs. They were my main focus (I'm in my mid-forties, and still love my wife's naked body, especially her boobs, she breastfed four kids). Even at sixteen, I had read enough, and heard enough, to know what to do, or at least fake my way through it. He doesn't know how to thrust? Even after all of the porn he has watched? Come on. I doubt he's a virgin. He's just telling you he is. Are you sure he isn't gay? 

EITHER porn is his girl/wife OR he is gay. Regardless, and I hate to say this... but he doesn't seem to be "into you" like that. He likes to get off. You have said as much. He just doesn't seem to like "getting off" with you. Either way, he needs help, not you. Until he gets help or you join him in whatever sexually turns him on, your sex life will be disappointing, leaving you frustrated and lonely.

Sex is like money... money isn't everything, but the lack of money is everything.all consuming.


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## NickTheChemist (Apr 26, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> why not take the lead. Get on top and show him your cowgirl skills. He only has to lie there and play with your nipples for that!
> 
> Also, teach him how to give you good cunnilingus. That way if you get laid and it was not enough, you can make him go down on you to finish the task.
> 
> Get in the habit of wearing very ****ty clothing at home, so that his mind is reminded often that it should be thinking of sex. Grab him and make him do you in every room of the house. Text him dirty pictures of you while he is at work, so he can not wait to get home.


This s most every man's dream for his wife.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

This thread is 6 months old.


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