# Trial Separation; How long am I suppose to wait?



## Ms_Limbo (Feb 2, 2012)

My 28 year old husband of 6 years has out of the blue realized he doesn't know how he feels anymore. He told me he still loves me and cares for me but can't tell me if he wants to be with me anymore. He can't tell me what's wrong, if anything, other than it's in his own head and he needs to figure things out. Of course I suggest therapy/counseling of any kind but he flat out refuses. So we agreed to a trial separation to see if he misses me... Wednesday was 2 weeks and he still doesn't know. How long am I suppose to wait on him to "figure things out"?:scratchhead:


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Do you already know 100% that he isn't involved in an affair?


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

Ms. Limbo
some people take 2 days and some take 2 years. i hope you guys work it out soon because it will drive you crazy not knowing.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Ms Limbo

"How long are you supposed to wait on him to figure things out?" Well, as long as you want to!

If you don't want to keep waiting, though, there is a really easy way to speed things to their conclusion.

Tell him that the trial separation has worked out pretty well, and that you now want to try the "divorce separation," and that you are going to go find a lawyer and file for permanent separation.

Either he will realize that you're a neat-o torpedo wife, and he would be a fool to let you go, or he will decide that he doesn't love you anyway, and agree to the divorce.

And you will have your answer, and can move out of limbo and back into life!

Honestly, you might want to do some digging. Your husband sounds like he is having an affair. So snoop around and see if you find any signs of there being "someone else."


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## Ms_Limbo (Feb 2, 2012)

Knowing him, no he is not having an affair. He has always been the person who would not do that to someone and strongly dissapproves of people that do. I did ask him when all this began if there was someone else. He bluntly told me that if there was then he would not put me through this, he would simply divorce me. 

I want my marriage back to how it was. We have a good relationship. And yes, I mean we still have a great relationship with no issues. I pleaded with him to tell me what needs to be changed and he simply told me that I was perfect, it's him who needs to figure out whats wrong with him. So yeah, I got the "It's not you, it's me" bit.

I just don't know how I should feel about all this. All my family is furious at him for doing this to me right now (I am currently 4 months pregnant with his 2nd child). I want to give him the space and time needed to figure things out but at the same time I don't want to be used or blind to the fact that he may be actually stringing me along for one reason or another.


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## Lanilla (Jan 20, 2012)

I'm kinda going through the same thing with my husband (he's been out of the house for 3 1/2 weeks now) and I'm waiting on him to "figure things out" as well...
Your husband may have said, "I'd divorce you if I wanted to be with someone else," but it doesn't mean it's true... I've heard this said before and come to find out, not all men have the "balls" to break it off with someone ESP if they still love you... He may be torn between moving on and the guilt of staying with the mother of his children... If his family is giving him grief over this, than I'm sure he's feeling guilty... But his own personal feelings are tugging at him more...

I'm gonna give you the same advice I'm giving to myself... Give him space, MEN NEED SPACE... Unlike women, we over analyze and think about everything and quickly! Men need time to clear their mind first... You want to give him more then a few weeks, that way YOU KNOW he wants you for you and not just because you said to come back


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

He may not be having an affair but he has certainly discovered other options. Someone might have found him attractive and caused a spark in him. He might have found someone very attractive and emotionally available.

If he's not showing any anger, hurt or sadness, and your marriage was not full of conflicts, then he's most likely having an affair.

Very rarely people leave their spouse just to "be alone". Humans are not loners. They don't seek loneliness to become happier. They choose loneliness to escape from something that is hurting them. 

If your husband was not being hurt or abused by you, then he's seeking temptation. 

Spy on him and find out. Don't beg or plead. Just find out what's going on.


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## RandomGuy155 (Jan 30, 2012)

I don't know, but two weeks isn't long enough. I'm not saying you're impatient, though. My wife's been gone for not quite a week yet, but it feels like one of the longest weeks of my life


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

well, in my case, i was not to wait at all.

my exgf told me she wanted some time a part to see what she wanted.
turned out to be a test i failed.

i was to read her mind and know that i was not to give her the time she said she needed.

but then again, if you dont give them time then youre being pushy and not allowing the to figure things out.

so who knows.
all these tests, games and the like.
never know whats really going on in someones head.


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

First, you need to know why he left you. You need to know the reason, otherwise you won't know what you should do. There's a reason why he need space.

Time for trial separation is irrelevant to me. If he's thinking of finding somebody else, then you need to do 180 and forget about him. If he just fall out of love because your life is too routine, then you need to read about love languages and make him love you again.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

It's kinda hard to work on a marriage when you're seperated. It's just my personal experience, but allowing my STBXW time for herself was a mistake. And before I learned of the affair, I thought everything had been great. She wanted her cake and to eat it too. She didn't want a divorce at the begining. I'm not saying your husband and my wife are the same, but I've learned that my perception doesn't make it reality.


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## Ms_Limbo (Feb 2, 2012)

Well, this started with him telling me he felt weird all of a sudden. Like he was having a funky day. That day turned into week, then a month, then several months. He tried ignoring it and it just became obvious that he couldn't stop thinking about how things felt weird and different. So I suggested maybe he leave if he couldn't figure out how he truly felt. 

I have been leaving him alone. Not talking to him, only responding to texts if he sends them. Mostly to keep informed about bills or maintenance on the house. He comes over every other day to see his daughter in which case I leave to give them alone time. I haven't pushed anything which is why I haven't spied on him either to see if there really is or is not someone else. No one truly believes he would cheat on me anyhow or throw his family away for a "crush". 

we have met on sundays to try and talk to each other in which case he continues to tell me he still doesn't know how he feels. I'm not nagging, not saying anything to give him a guilt trip, leaving him to his own devices. I have focused my energy on working my full time job, running my household, and of course on my child. I understand men need time to figure things out and staying near me may have made things feel more overwhelming for him. But this is a marriage, we are suppose to work out things together to move passed them together... it just feels like he is giving up because he just simply wants a change.


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

Ms. Limbo.....i've been doing a lot of reading. My marriage fell apart after 3 months of separation....they SAY that you should set a time frame...so that you're not "in limbo" for an unknown period of time....they recommend 4 to 6 months at most...they say most times (not every time but most times) when it goes over 6 months, that people get more comfortable being apart, and end up ending the marriage, because they get use to being alone.

I would sit him down and suggest going over a time frame...when that time frame ends, sit down again see how eachother feel about the situation...you can always cut it short...or extend it for longer. but having a pre determined time frame, helps.


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## Ms_Limbo (Feb 2, 2012)

CSeryllum said:


> Ms. Limbo.....i've been doing a lot of reading. My marriage fell apart after 3 months of separation....they SAY that you should set a time frame...so that you're not "in limbo" for an unknown period of time....they recommend 4 to 6 months at most...they say most times (not every time but most times) when it goes over 6 months, that people get more comfortable being apart, and end up ending the marriage, because they get use to being alone.
> 
> I would sit him down and suggest going over a time frame...when that time frame ends, sit down again see how eachother feel about the situation...you can always cut it short...or extend it for longer. but having a pre determined time frame, helps.


I guess I really didn't expect it to last even 2 weeks, which I have seen is barely much time in comparison with others who have already been separated for months. I thought this mostly because I thought we didn't have a bad relationship but maybe I was wrong. My worry is that we will set a time frame and it will get pushed back everytime because he still doesn't know "how he feels". Another worry I have is that it will become 2 months or longer and he will decide to "let me go" because he still can't figure out and he wouldn't want me to keep hurting.


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

I know exactly how you feel...if it keeps getting pushed back, you need to draw a line..you shouldn't have to be stuck in limbo forever...and it's not right of him to do that to you.

It was equally a concern of mine that the separation lasting for too long would lead to a "comfortable not being around you anymore" situation and we'd end up divorcing because of it...that happens all the time, and it is a part of what happened to me.

I know it's nearly an impossible thought, i still struggle with it myself (my divorce was filed yesterday..and i haven't been served but its on the way...so trust me it's a fresh wound for me too)

However, try to keep a positive outlook...if it doesn't work, it's a terrible, terrible, nightmarish feeling...but realize that you cannot change someone elses mind, and waiting around for him to change his mind won't be healthy for you. Remind yourself that if it doesn't work, then it's HIS loss, not yours. You tried, he didn't (not really anyhow) so don't be afraid...it's scary, but taking it day by day, one foot in front of the other, I promise it starts to get easier, sooner than you think <3


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Ok I feel like I need to say this loud and clear.

2 weeks after separating you can be damn sure that your old marriage is completely dead.

Reconciliation is not a continuation of what you had before. It's a fresh start.

The idea of getting comfortable not being around each other is not necessarily a bad thing. Both parties need to be comfortable being "just themselves". If there's any attraction left, if there's a bond that can't be broken by a separation, it will prevail.


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## dontpanic (Feb 23, 2012)

Dear Ms Limbo,
You ask how long you should wait. However, things will not change, improve, or reconcile if you both are just "waiting". What you need to ask yourself is how much is your marriage worth to you? How much time, patience, love, and heartache are you willing to invest in the future?

I am a strong believer in marriage counseling as a neutral forum to discuss and overcome the issues in your relationship. You should definitely be seeing a marriage counselor so you can share what you're feeling with each other in a "safe place". As far as your husband feeling "weird" it sounds like he is having his own personal identity crisis and could probably use the help of a personal therapist on an individual basis as well.

I have been married for 15 years (no kids) and am in the 7th week of our trial separation. I don't know if we will end up together or apart, but I do know that I am not giving up my marriage without a fight. The pain is excruciating. Some friends ask me why I am bothering to try, why not give up - cut my losses? I think I still have faith and he hasn't done anything to break that - no cheating/sleeping around/hiding $ or playing other s**tty games men play when they are really over.

Your husband sounds like a decent fellow. He is making an effort to visit his child and has not abandoned you financially, etc. If he is unhappy, you need to learn that it is not because of you. It is because of something inside him - from his past, his family, or his personal experience. He needs time/space to figure out what is going on with him. But, imho, if he's really serious about uncovering the reasons for his unhappiness, he needs to speak to a therapist - otherwise he'll just be spinning his wheels.

You got married young - he is only 28 and has a kid and has been married for 6 years. He probably never lived alone or figured out who he is apart from you. Did he go from his parents house to college to marriage? Who wouldn't be confused?

How long did you "wait" to marry him? Don't throw away a good relationship because someone needs time to figure things out. You might not have thought there were any issues in your marriage, but now that he is sending out a "cry for help", are you just going to give up and throw it all away? Or are you willing to be honest with yourself and find out why this is happening? Wouldn't you do that for your best friend?

You owe it to yourself to discover what went wrong in your relationship or else you are bound to repeat the same patterns and mistakes in the next one.

No marriage problems are just "one sided". So long as he is not mentally or physically abusive or an alcoholic/addict, relationships can be worked on and improved. 

Believe in yourself, trust your spouse and invest in your family's future. You won't regret trying - whether you end up reconciling or divorcing. But you will regret not giving it an honest chance.

Google Dr Bruce Fisher's "healing separation". His ideas have really helped me a lot.

Good luck.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Generally from trial separations what i have seen is not pretty i personally have not had a trial separation but i will give my opinion.

When two people are separated but than get back together it is because they could not find anyone better and one partner decides to settle for what was good but not amazing or what they expected while the other partner is the more needy one and is so filled with joy to get back. Though both exonerate joy one is more needy of the other and is the one who often truly never felt the need to separate.


There is a big difference from say dating someone on and off for years than falling in deep love and being together for ever.

There is a big difference from say friends for years had a attraction to each other than the feelings grow and one day you see each other after say idk a while of not seeing each other. And than BOOM you are hit with love and you make it happen.


^^ those scenario's are vastly different from people who were married for say X amount of time and than decided "oh i need my space there is better'

At some point the I need my space or better part fails and they decide to go back to what they had which was security.


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## Franklin1969 (Dec 27, 2012)

Ms_Limbo,

Curious to know what was the outcome of your dilemma. Did you work things out?


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

I would say you dont wait. You need to do those things that are best for you. Most separations end up in divorce. Take care of yourself, but, prepare for the worst. He left, so, he needs to be the one to re engage into the marriage. He left you, he needs to win you back.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*"Trial Separation" is nothing more than "cheater-speak" for getting away from the spouse in order to go sow their wild oats over in some other pasture! Or in some other orifice! It is nothing more than a facade that summarily allows the requestor to cheat, and at the same time, getting their betrayed partner totally out of the picture in order for them to carry on their sordid activity in near secrecy!

Whenever "TS" is summarily requested by a spouse ~ please beware! It is with extremely rare exception the beginning of the end of the marital relationship! 

And although there are exceptions to most every rule, the vast majority of marriage counsellors will attest to the fact that a troubled marriage is far better being worked on when you have two willing partners who work on it while still being domiciled together!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Franklin1969 (Dec 27, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *"Trial Separation" is nothing more than "cheater-speak" for getting away from the spouse in order to go sow their wild oats over in some other pasture! Or in some other orifice! It is nothing more than a decade that allows the requestor to cheat, getting their betrayed partner totally out of the picture in order for them to carry on their sordid activity in secrecy!
> 
> Whenever "TS" is summarily requested by a spouse ~ please beware! It is with extremely rare exception the beginning of the end of the marital relationship! *
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I disagree. Sometimes couples need a constructive separation time while working independently on their self, in hopes that they can meet later together with a counselor. Then, they might just start dating again. Trust has to be won back if there was any kind of abuse, lack of respect etc.

Here is a good video that explains a healthy time apart.
https://youtu.be/GdqcNpZwiy8


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## rgol (Dec 29, 2010)

Waiting is relative... I am in week 10 of a TS with my wife of 20 years. She has kept me in limbo for 18 - 24 mos. I am pretty much done now, but it took me a very long time to get to this 'uncharted territory'. 

She is 48 and entered, what I call, a mid-life crisis (MLC) back in the fall of 2013. She was pushing divorce in March of 2014. She had a new job, an EA (Probably PA as well) and was quite clear on her exit plan.

Then she got cancer and could not need me enough. 

I loved her (still do deeply) and took care of her in spite of her actions. She had a helluva path to being cured, but she got through it this past April...Only to walk outside and fall off the curb into her MLC once again. She is holding on to anger & resentment dating back 10 years and has rewritten history to align with a narrative in her head. So, we went to counseling and after 4 sessions decided on a TS. The goal was to create space and give her/us the opportunity to work on ourselves and hopefully look at things differently. Well, she put a lot of energy into finding a place and goes out with her GF's a lot. She also contacted her EA and is most likely entertaining a few other men. I have focused on myself during this time and have supported my 17 year old daughter through this crazy mess.

My point is that everyone has their limit.

Two weeks is nothing if you love him and want to save the marriage. I encourage you to find your limit and be sure that you have done everything you can to create space for him to come back (i.e. Patience, counseling, talking etc.). Your limit is yours and there is no right or wrong answer. You will have regrets if you end it now without really trying. You want to have inner-peace and closure before killing it or you will always wonder if you had done enough. Just my $.02 worth.


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