# Conflict Resolution



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

More appropriately, "How to fight effectively, fairly and honorably"

Halien made a great post recently summarizing how much what you say, how you say it, your body language and assuring that you know the terrain upon which the disagreement is based are all very important.

And they most certainly are. And they are very difficult to teach or convey ... particularly on a forum.

He also pointed out, quite correctly in my estimation that this is where most guys who are working on boundaries, manning up, running the MAP or trying to be more alpha usually screw up royally.

I'm comfortable saying that because I screwed it up myself.

Whereas I can also assure that once you feel comfortable with how you handle interpersonal stress, or a throw-down with your SO, it makes a tremendous impact on how you see yourself and how others see you.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Deejo said:


> Halien made a great post recently summarizing


Can you link to it?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

For men in the midst of relationship turmoil, a wife that is distant, disengaged, disrespectful and disinterested, they find themselves usually feeling two strong emotions; anger and fear. These are usually couched in softer word choices such as frustration and concern.
Regardless, both stem from feeling disconnected from your partner and that you are losing them.

Neither emotion offers any benefit in trying to reasonably understand someone else's strong position, or in making or defending your own.

You can't address the issue sufficiently if you are consistently worrying about how your opponent will respond to your response. Meaning if you are afraid you will upset your spouse or she will flip her lid, you have already undermined your effectiveness.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Thanks, Deejo, for the kind reference.

As I read through the thread where I talked about how I felt that we don't often talk about the importance of managing conflict discussions in threads about being more alpha, manning up or womaning up, I was just reminded of the times when I was a young supervisor, determined to have a disciplinary discussion with an employee, only to end the discussion wondering how I had failed so miserably. It happens in marriage, too. 

Part of what I said in that thread was:



> Usually, in a situation like yours, your wife has managed to define the debate in her terms, and effectively has the higher ground. You just find yourself reeling, and trying to react to the new "truths" that are established as legitimate along the way.
> 
> Being more alpha includes growth in this instinctive ability to set the ground rules, or the narrative, for any new argument that arises out of unfair demands. It takes time, and more importantly, confidence in yourself, and the fact that you are only expecting what is right and fair.
> 
> ...


Again, I wouldn't want this to be confused with manipulation. The key is to try to direct the conversation to a solution where 'the reasonable man or woman' would agree, and is mutually fulfilling. To me, that should be the real limit of any alpha journey in marriage. When we face unreasonable demands or expectations, and we're trying to introduce more alpha in the way we set healthier boundaries, body language, along with trying to understand the tools immature people use to manipulate others can play a big role in reclaiming your voice in the relationship. It's not unusual for very unhealthy tools of manipulation to be used to chip away, even unintentionally, at the boundaries of a person over time. People will make dramatic declarations, or judgmental comments, and these can become common. Sometimes, countering it takes a very intentional approach, including the way we use our body language, to point them to a discussion of mutually satisfying options.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

CharlieParker said:


> Can you link to it?


Halien was kind enough to do it for me. It is in his post above.

I would encourage anyone to contribute or ask questions.

I usually try to avoid talking about this stuff when commenting on someone's thread, but when it comes down to it, this can be one of the most important pieces to get right and get comfortable with, if you are working on yourself.

It is nuanced and strategic. It is seldom about being bigger, louder, or meaner than the person you are interacting with.

And quite frankly, the only way to get better at it, is to engage in it.

I have pointed out elsewhere that the biggest 'payoff' in my own personal journey has been on the career front. In my case that is the place where I have had the opportunity to hone these skills most often, both with colleagues and clients. 

Paradoxically, I have not had any kind 'argument' with a female partner since my ex-wife. I have had plenty of break up talks where I am either the dumper, or the dumpee, but none of the kind of entanglements that I vividly recall during the dying days of my marriage and that I clearly see in other people's posts.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Thanks to both of you, good stuff.



Deejo said:


> And quite frankly, the only way to get better at it, is to engage in it.


Good idea, I'll come home today and say, "Let's talk about my sister", 3, 2, 1, engage. 

Seriously, what do you mean "engage in it"? Engage here or actually doing it and putting it use it? Well, there is no substitute for actual practice. Fortunately I don't get too much.

I'll just say I generally start out well but the longer (a sign of lack of progress) a discussion/fight goes on, the harder I have to work to keep on track. Sometimes this will be to the detriment of the topic on hand. Frustrating.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I'll go.

I've been working a lot on how I handle conflict. I have with hubz, been a talker. I was reading about it in "DivorceBusters" whilst simultaneously having come to the conclusion a little while ago, that these heart-to-heart, "what you did was disrespectful/hurtful" conversations, were plainly having no effect. Yep sometimes he would "get it", but it would be after the fourth/fifth/sixth time of having gone over it.

I was stuck - bring it up again and I was a nag, or perpetually angry, leave it alone for him to let it sink in, and he thought I wasn't bothered anymore.

Something happened on Saturday. He did something that REALLY pissed me off, that he knew would piss me off, and that he himself says he regrets doing on the whole.

My instincts said to go and talk to him, talk it out, guilt him, get him to see the error of his ways, make him do what he should be doing. I was pretty angry.

What I did INSTEAD was left him to it. It took an enormous amount of willpower. I purposely avoided the big talk, knowing we would come face to face eventually. I just got on with what I was doing.

Eventually he came in. I could see he was expecting the rant, the having a go. I just carried on low-key - not the silent treatment but the deprioritising.

HE came to ME. Asked if I was mad. I was to-the-point - "yes. I have been more than reasonable and particularly accommodating to you this week. Your behaviour makes me feel very taken-for-granted." He apologised. I said, "you can't do that - do what you want knowing what it will do, planning an apology after to make it okay." And that was it. I carried on.

Oh the guilt. I could almost SEE the guilt seeping out of his pores. He told me that I was nice - incredibly nice to him, that I just get on with it, and he doesn't know how I do it, that I treat him so well, and he's so mean to me. He took the kids out to give me some time alone. He was offering massages. To take me out. Picked up my favourite takeaway that evening. And you know when someone seems genuinely remorseful? That was him. It doesn't happen much but it's tangible when it does.

I'm still not sure if it was WHAT I did, or just that I did something different.


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## McMuffin (Dec 17, 2012)

This is one of my issues is that I cannot argue well. My wife does not like to talk about her feelings and emotions, and absolutely hates talking about sex in any way. Somehow I cannot break through into talking about sex, but once I get her upset, then she has no problem talking. However, we usually go way off the path and end up not close to satisfying the opening statement. I say that I need more intimacy, she thinks intimacy=sex and sex only and immediately will say that I am saying something is wrong with her. Then I say no I am not saying its wrong, we need to try, then she will counter with, "oh I am not trying hard enough now?" and so on and so forth. It turns into something that I dont like about her and I usually give up. I cannot argue effectively....this is a great topic for me.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

The journey I've been on for the past couple of years has been full of pitfalls and failures. But like they say, recognizing failure is the prelude to success. One of my bigger successes, one I'm rightly proud of, is turning off the fear and anger during a dispute and keeping the conversation calm and on point. Not only with my wife, but with my kids and others as well.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I'll post more gems as I find them. There are certainly plenty that have accumulated in my tenure here. This was a great one from MEM11363. This is about as solid a reference as you can have:



MEM11363 said:


> If you are a man and you want to have a passionate relationship with your wife:
> 1. ALL dominance starts in-house. That means you learn to control YOUR emotions - especially the two biggest enemies fear and uncontrolled anger.
> 2. True control of emotions enables great self control of your behavior. Not just the words that issue from your mouth, but your body language.
> 3. The baseline against which you measure behavior is the golden rule. Do NOT allow people to treat you worse than you would treat them.
> ...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Great post, tobio.

There are unquestionably times when the most powerful form of communication is with action or lack of. No words required.

This is not to be confused with being passive aggressive.

Sometimes when your spouse does something they know is wrong, and you will be angry about, they have already framed the entire scenario in their mind, and they are able to justify, deflect and invalidate your feelings because they reframed the issue based upon your anger towards them ... not their behavior that precipitated the anger.

That is why 'reframing' and self control are key in dealing with conflict.


tobio said:


> I'll go.
> 
> I've been working a lot on how I handle conflict. I have with hubz, been a talker. I was reading about it in "DivorceBusters" whilst simultaneously having come to the conclusion a little while ago, that these heart-to-heart, "what you did was disrespectful/hurtful" conversations, were plainly having no effect. Yep sometimes he would "get it", but it would be after the fourth/fifth/sixth time of having gone over it.
> 
> ...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

GTdad said:


> The journey I've been on for the past couple of years has been full of pitfalls and failures. But like they say, recognizing failure is the prelude to success. One of my bigger successes, one I'm rightly proud of, is turning off the fear and anger during a dispute and keeping the conversation calm and on point. Not only with my wife, but with my kids and others as well.


Fear and Anger during conflict seldom take anyone, anywhere good.

They can eclipse the original problem, or turn a minor disagreement into an avalanche of unnecessary and utterly pointless escalation.

Best thing you can do at that point, if your opponent has crossed over to unreasonable, and/or bat-sh!t crazy, is to disengage calmly and respectfully. Don't acquiesce, don't be complicit, don't surrender, and very importantly ... NEVER ever apologize for a non-existent wrong to diffuse the argument. Very, very bad precedent.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

Actually, when I joined this forum, I wanted to ask for some advices as me and my husband had some communication problems. Although I erased that thread since it was a bit too personal. But it seems that threads about communication problems are not frequently here, which is strange since many problems around here are quite due to lack of good communication.

Me and my husband have some communication issues too, although they are much better now. I'm a more emotional type (if you guys are familiar with the 16 personalities type, I'm INFJ) and my husband is a more rational type (ISTJ for him). In the past, when I started to tell him some of my personal issues, he would offer his support in the form of constructive criticism, plus he would often say that I was worrying over things of little importance. He had good talent at choosing the right words that had hurt me and made me feel lack of support, plus feeling that in his eyes I am immature (since for him I was worrying over unimportant things). Funny is, there were times in which I was not even affected by certain issues, but he would make me seem as if I was, which in the end it affected me and it ended up making me really looked as if I was affected by the issues.
But long story short... Good thing is, we both love each other dearly, and so I ended up learning that this is just his way and he didn't mean to be mean, while he also learned how to give proper support to me. Also, we have learned how to say things in the way the other can understand, which is very important for the other to get what each of us says.

By time, I also learned that I'm more assertive and expressive, while he can be passive and even prefer to apologize even if I'm the wrong one. I understand that it is coz he values peace and doesn't want us to be distant to each other. Although I don't like it sometimes, as I want him to express what he thinks too. Since he's more passive, I have to make sure I'm not being too assertive, s that I can give him a chance to feel safe and ok to present his points too.
But there are times that this can be frustrating, since he would sometimes says that he understood my point, just to see how he didn't when the same fights arise again...

Another detail is that since I can be quite emotional, I need distance to cool down if things gets too heated or hurtful. It seems that my husband has difficulty in understanding this, and he often insists in chasing after me in order to talk things out and solve the conflict. Good thing is that he is gradually understanding this better.
But maybe it's just me, but sometimes I sense that he might think that as long as I start to talk, things are ok... Something like getting me to talk, he listens to it all and apologizes. 

Hmm I can say that we can be both stubborn, although he's more willing to apologize for the sake of making up. Although he is also the one that usually starts a fight due to bad mood.
But usually when he apologize or at least is not mean to me, I would easily acknowledge my own faults and apologize too.

I guess that the hardest time (with many fights) was when we started to live together. New responsibilities to handle and all, and we disagreed on many small details. But then things got much better now. 


All in all, I guess that both sides has to learn about how each of us communicates and perceives what each of us says. Also, understand what each of us mean when listening to the other. And then understand how each of us thinks and feels and what each of us want to communicate to the other.

When I'm in a fight, I have to think, what a I feeling? What do I want to tell my partner? What is the best way to tell him this? Can he understand what I'm trying to tell him? Am I understanding what he want to tell me? What can he be feeling? What do we intend to reach in this fight? Is pointing fingers in this fight really important? Is there common ground?

But all in all, our willingness to solve each fight and improve our communication for the sake of our relationship is what matters big.

*edited* forgot to add, sometimes we also have to think if certain things are worth fighting over. And there are things that we would later realize that they would not matter anymore.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

A very common communication mistake that men make, is they incorrectly believe they need to 'fix' the issue that their partner wants to express to them. Simply listening and acknowledging your partners emotions is often all that she is asking. Acknowledgment and support rather than analysis and critique, else as you pointed out Lilith, a partner that thinks he is doing the right thing, actually makes the circumstances worse.

You don't need to fix your partners problems. You just need to be present, listen and validate. 



lilith23 said:


> Actually, when I joined this forum, I wanted to ask for some advices as me and my husband had some communication problems. Although I erased that thread since it was a bit too personal. But it seems that threads about communication problems are not frequently here, which is strange since many problems around here are quite due to lack of good communication.
> 
> Me and my husband have some communication issues too, although they are much better now. I'm a more emotional type (if you guys are familiar with the 16 personalities type, I'm INFJ) and my husband is a more rational type (ISTJ for him). In the past, when I started to tell him some of my personal issues, he would offer his support in the form of constructive criticism, plus he would often say that I was worrying over things of little importance. He had good talent at choosing the right words that had hurt me and made me feel lack of support, plus feeling that in his eyes I am immature (since for him I was worrying over unimportant things). Funny is, there were times in which I was not even affected by certain issues, but he would make me seem as if I was, which in the end it affected me and it ended up making me really looked as if I was affected by the issues.
> But long story short... Good thing is, we both love each other dearly, and so I ended up learning that this is just his way and he didn't mean to be mean, while he also learned how to give proper support to me. Also, we have learned how to say things in the way the other can understand, which is very important for the other to get what each of us says.
> ...


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

Deejo said:


> A very common communication mistake that men make, is they incorrectly believe they need to 'fix' the issue that their partner wants to express to them. Simply listening and acknowledging your partners emotions is often all that she is asking. Acknowledgment and support rather than analysis and critique, else as you pointed out Lilith, a partner that thinks he is doing the right thing, actually makes the circumstances worse.
> 
> You don't need to fix your partners problems. You just need to be present, listen and validate.


True, maybe men are more focused on presenting solutions, while women are more into understanding feelings and reasons behind. Although I don't really mind solutions, as long as my feelings are not belittled or judged when someone gives them. My own approach with my female friends when they need support is that I would first try to understand how they feel, and then suggest solutions. I feel that once women (or emotional focused people) feels understood, they are much more open to suggestions of solutions.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

We talk about boundaries often in terms of how you conduct yourself, and what you do when someone crosses them, particularly if it is your partner ... and they do it consistently.

This was a great reference from AFEH:



AFEH said:


> I was with my wife for a very long time, over 40 years. In many many ways I feel truly blessed to have had her by my side for so very long. But there were some seriously bad times. During those times I would try and be ever more patient, tolerant, empathetic, understanding, compassionate, comforting etc. I got into the spiritual side of life and studied and practiced Buddhism.
> 
> But with all the work I did on myself, my wife never changed, not one little bit. In a way by being ever more patient, tolerant, compassionate I was continuously annihilating my personal boundaries. I do consider my wife to have been abusive to me, emotionally and psychologically abusive to my core values and beliefs. And by dismantling my personal boundaries I was simply not only enabling her abuse but I was making its affect on me far worse.
> 
> ...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

10 Rules for Friendly Fighting for Couples

Good guidelines, my only points of issue are #10 which is essentially the old 'Never go to bed angry'. Some issues simply cannot be resolved prior to bedtime, particularly if the conflict involves what happens in the bed. These methods of addressing conflict also presupposes that both parties respect one another and value the marriage ... which for folks already here on TAM, is asking a lot.



> Taken from PsychCentral.com:
> Ten rules for friendly fighting: or how to ensure that conflicts will strengthen your marriage instead of harm it.
> 
> 1. Embrace conflict. There is no need to fear it. Conflict is normal, even healthy. Differences between you mean that there are things you can learn from each other. Often conflict shows us where we can or need to grow.
> ...


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

> 10. Make peace. An elderly friend who has been married for 68 years tells me that she and her husband made a rule on their wedding day never to go to bed angry. They agreed from the outset that the relationship is more important than winning arguments. Sometimes this meant they stayed up very, very late until they came to a workable compromise. Sometimes it meant that one or the other of them decided the issue wasn’t really important enough to lose sleep over. Since they both value the marriage, neither one gave in or gave up most of the time. When one did give in or give up, the other showed appreciation and made a peace offering of his or her own. These folks still love each other after 68 years of the inevitable conflicts that come with living with another person. They are probably onto something.


This is a very good point, although sometimes can be impractical, since staying up 'till late can seriously affect our work efficiency in the next day, if we have to go to work.
There were a few times when me and my husband went to bed with unresolved issues. They were not too serious, although it was too tiresome to continue with the fight and in the next day we had to go to work. The good thing is, neither of us can be at peace unless things are resolved, so that the next morning we would try to make up on our way to work. Also, being fresh after some sleep can enable us to see things in a calmer way.

But in the over all, if you let things go unresolved for too long, resentment can really build up and things gets harder and harder to solve.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

CharlieParker said:


> Thanks to both of you, good stuff.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


The worst part of most conflict resolution classes and webinars that I have to attend as a part of my job is having to simulate conflict with another person in the room. Many times, though, it becomes hilarious. I once argued with a guy I didn't even know about his supposed lack of consideration for the needs of the people in my business group, and he was so good at the acting that we all decided that he would argue with a rock.

But let's face it. There are so many areas in normal life where we have the opportunity to put these skills into practice, as Deejo indicated. While I am far from an expert, I really feel that the lessons I learned helped me to get hospital billing, and insurance reps on my side in two distinct cases, saving thousands of dollars in un-reimbursed claims. They had previously declared them to be my responsibility, but I showed them, I believe, how "the reasonable man or woman" would take a second look at the situation. And I've seen so many people argue in futility with store clerks or managers, realizing that a different approach would probably give them both a better solution. We tend to have more opportunities to engage in conflict resolution than many realize.

But I'd go even further back in putting these into effect. Re-examine your wife's argument style in the past. Take some time to look at previous arguments, and distance yourself from the actual subject. What need was she trying to convey? Did she escalate the argument by using increasingly extreme examples for dramatic effect? Does she seem to argue in order to reach an objective, or is it merely to win? If you are expecting change, would the reasonable man consider it to be a fair expectation? Is there something you can offer in return, so that both feel that the conflict was resolved in a positive way?

Many people tend to let the argument itself dictate their final expecations, merely reacting. The key is to begin to think about what the fair objective should be. Learn to put aside the kinds of comments some people may make when they feel cornered. Learn that some people need to feel that they kept their dignity intact, even when they are unreasonable, so even re-assurances can sometimes "win" an argument. And most importantly, if there is not a clear, fair need, then why argue in the first place?


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Thanks Halien many good points, I've bookmarked this. In reading this, while I'm far from perfect and hardly an expert, I realize I'm generally doing better than I think. I can usually deal with reasonable expectations, with the wife and in every day life. 

I'm thinking of that same old fight (she'd like my sister gone from the family business), which leads to this



Halien said:


> And most importantly, if there is not a clear, fair need, then why argue in the first place?


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