# Problems with anxiety/stress, afraid my wife will leave me, need advice



## Notgivingup

so I don't really know how to put this. Whenever me and my wife argue I get really stressed out really fast and I disrespect her a lot. I know this is wrong and she deserves better, but I feel like I can't control myself. She knows just how to push my buttons. I want to change my behavior because she is talking about leaving me and I don't want to lose her, but I need advice. Does anybody else struggle with anger and frustration or anxiety? I wish I wasn't like this but I am. I'd rather get advice on here than see a therapist, I hate shrinks.


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## rebootingnow

Seriously, get over the fear and see a psychiatrists or psychologists. 

After my world spiraled out of control last year for the umpteenth time. I finally went to a Psychiatrists. And found out I probably have had ADHD for most of my life. Which explains so much about the challenges I've had. Who knew?

I'm now taking Ritalin and seeing my Dr. twice a month and this has been an incredible awakening for me. I finally have the clarity and calmness to focus on important things in my life and I can't tell you how great I feel that I'm actually in control of my thoughts and ability to act.

I'm not saying you have what I have, but if you are as serious about saving your marriage as I was you'll get professional help.


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## AFEH

Notgivingup said:


> so I don't really know how to put this. Whenever me and my wife argue I get really stressed out really fast and I disrespect her a lot. I know this is wrong and she deserves better, but I feel like I can't control myself. She knows just how to push my buttons. I want to change my behavior because she is talking about leaving me and I don't want to lose her, but I need advice. Does anybody else struggle with anger and frustration or anxiety? I wish I wasn't like this but I am. I'd rather get advice on here than see a therapist, I hate shrinks.



Notgivingup, a lot of people simply do not know how their emotions and mind works, so in essence they have little conscious control over them especially during times of high anxiety and stress. There is so much we’re not “taught” about these things. Two books that will really help you. “Emotional Intelligence” by Daniel Goleman and “Awareness” by Anthony de Mello.

The following is an extract from Emotional Intelligence, feel sure you’ll see yourself as one of the three types.

_Self-Aware_. Aware of their moods as they are having them, these people have some sophistication about their emotional lives. Their clarity about emotions may under gird other personality traits: They are autonomous and sure of their own boundaries, are in good psychological health and tend to have a positive outlook on life. When they get into a bad mood, they don't ruminate and obsess about it and are able to get out of it sooner. In short, their mindfulness helps them manage their emotions.

_Engulfed_. These are people who often feel swamped by their emotions and helpless to escape them, as though their moods have taken charge. They are mercurial and not very aware of their feelings, so that there are lost in them rather than having some perspective. As a result, they do little to try to escape bad moods, feeling that they have no control over their emotional life. They often feel overwhelmed and emotionally out of control.

_Accepting_. While these people are often clear about what they are feeling, they also tend to be accepting of their moods and don’t try to change them. There seem to be two branches of the accepting type: those who are usually in good moods and so have little motivation to change them, and people who, despite their clarity about their moods, are susceptible to bad ones but accept them with a laissez-faire attitude, doing nothing to change them despite their distress – a pattern found among, say, depressed people who are resigned to their despair. 



From reading your post I can assure you that you are “ready” for the teachings in the books, you will get the messages, they will change you for the better and your life will change for the better.

Bob


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## Notgivingup

rebootingnow said:


> Seriously, get over the fear and see a psychiatrists or psychologists.
> 
> After my world spiraled out of control last year for the umpteenth time. I finally went to a Psychiatrists. And found out I probably have had ADHD for most of my life. Which explains so much about the challenges I've had. Who knew?
> 
> I'm now taking Ritalin and seeing my Dr. twice a month and this has been an incredible awakening for me. I finally have the clarity and calmness to focus on important things in my life and I can't tell you how great I feel that I'm actually in control of my thoughts and ability to act.
> 
> I'm not saying you have what I have, but if you are as serious about saving your marriage as I was you'll get professional help.


I have ADHD and I have been on Ritalin and other ADHD drugs before when I was a kid. They sucked away my personality completely and it makes me not want to take any ADHD drugs again. I've thought about other types of medications as a possibility though.


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## Notgivingup

AFEH said:


> Notgivingup, a lot of people simply do not know how their emotions and mind works, so in essence they have little conscious control over them especially during times of high anxiety and stress. There is so much we’re not “taught” about these things. Two books that will really help you. “Emotional Intelligence” by Daniel Goleman and “Awareness” by Anthony de Mello.
> 
> The following is an extract from Emotional Intelligence, feel sure you’ll see yourself as one of the three types.
> 
> _Self-Aware_. Aware of their moods as they are having them, these people have some sophistication about their emotional lives. Their clarity about emotions may under gird other personality traits: They are autonomous and sure of their own boundaries, are in good psychological health and tend to have a positive outlook on life. When they get into a bad mood, they don't ruminate and obsess about it and are able to get out of it sooner. In short, their mindfulness helps them manage their emotions.
> 
> _Engulfed_. These are people who often feel swamped by their emotions and helpless to escape them, as though their moods have taken charge. They are mercurial and not very aware of their feelings, so that there are lost in them rather than having some perspective. As a result, they do little to try to escape bad moods, feeling that they have no control over their emotional life. They often feel overwhelmed and emotionally out of control.
> 
> _Accepting_. While these people are often clear about what they are feeling, they also tend to be accepting of their moods and don’t try to change them. There seem to be two branches of the accepting type: those who are usually in good moods and so have little motivation to change them, and people who, despite their clarity about their moods, are susceptible to bad ones but accept them with a laissez-faire attitude, doing nothing to change them despite their distress – a pattern found among, say, depressed people who are resigned to their despair.
> 
> 
> 
> From reading your post I can assure you that you are “ready” for the teachings in the books, you will get the messages, they will change you for the better and your life will change for the better.
> 
> Bob


Thanks for the book refs. My wife is definitely self aware type and I think that's why she is getting so fed up because she doesn't understand me. I am not sure if I am engulfed or accepting. I will check out the books for sure.


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## sisters359

Ritalin does not "suck away your personality." My son--then 9--said about the same thing, ie., "I'm not as much fun!" OK, the reality is, you THOUGHT you were fun, but you were NOT fun for other people. Other people didn't like that "you" as much as they like you when you are even one-second more thoughtful. It's like people who are drunk and think b/c they are hilarious, when anyone sober knows they are not. Clearly, your wife threatening to leave is PROOF that she does NOT like the unmedicated you very much. Why are you clinging to that person (the unmedicated you?) It's like a diabetic thinking they are more interesting when they are "drunk" with blood level problems--uhhhh, no! It's just scary to those of us watching!

You may well have an anxiety disorder in addition to ADHD. You don't have to see a shrink-- a medical doctor can help. A trial of medication for either the anxiety and/or ADHD might really help you. Talk to your doctor.


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## sisters359

Oh, and don't forget--most people with a mental health problem don't like the effect of the drugs--is the main reason people who are bi-polar will stop taking their meds. Does that make it ok? Sure--as long as you do not expect anyone else to tolerate you in their life. Your choice.


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## Notgivingup

sisters359 said:


> Ritalin does not "suck away your personality." My son--then 9--said about the same thing, ie., "I'm not as much fun!" OK, the reality is, you THOUGHT you were fun, but you were NOT fun for other people. Other people didn't like that "you" as much as they like you when you are even one-second more thoughtful. It's like people who are drunk and think b/c they are hilarious, when anyone sober knows they are not. Clearly, your wife threatening to leave is PROOF that she does NOT like the unmedicated you very much. Why are you clinging to that person (the unmedicated you?) It's like a diabetic thinking they are more interesting when they are "drunk" with blood level problems--uhhhh, no! It's just scary to those of us watching!
> 
> You may well have an anxiety disorder in addition to ADHD. You don't have to see a shrink-- a medical doctor can help. A trial of medication for either the anxiety and/or ADHD might really help you. Talk to your doctor.


Both of our sons have ADHD and she does not want to medicate them either! She thinks of it as a gift. They are impulsive and stubborn but also creative and curious and whatnot. She thinks medication is me not dealing with why I am really so angry or out of control, the same as me smoking pot or drinking to deal with it. But she _is_ pro counseling and holistic medicine. This is one thing that we do agree on, although I may be willing to try a non ADHD med if a counselor could convince her to be okay with it. if she doesn't want to give our kids meds and they are doing fine without it, I can get why she doesn't want me on those drugs either. But I agree with the counseling.


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## AFEH

Notgivingup said:


> Both of our sons have ADHD and she does not want to medicate them either! She thinks of it as a gift. They are impulsive and stubborn but also creative and curious and whatnot. She thinks medication is me not dealing with why I am really so angry or out of control, the same as me smoking pot or drinking to deal with it. But she _is_ pro counseling and holistic medicine. This is one thing that we do agree on, although I may be willing to try a non ADHD med if a counselor could convince her to be okay with it. if she doesn't want to give our kids meds and they are doing fine without it, I can get why she doesn't want me on those drugs either. But I agree with the counseling.


Your wife sounds very sensible, too many jump on the medication bandwagon without looking at alternatives. Alternatives never offer a quick fix and generally need a big change in lifestyle but you’ll get there.

Bob


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## AvaTara539

Wow this sounds a lot like my husband, LOL! I will definitely follow up on your posts and see how your progress goes in finding your "zen" so to speak. But bravo for not trying to blame it all on your W and being willing to work on your own problems and take ownership of them. I'm sure she is not perfect either. Cheers.


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## Davelli0331

Long, long time reader of these forums, first time poster. I'd like to address the OP's original situation re: anxiety, stress, and anger.

I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder stemming from my experiences in combat (Marine veteran, fought in Iraq). I believe in facing any situation in life on my feet and with as much knowledge as possible. Being diagnosed with PTSD was no different, so I did lots of research. The resource that has helped me the most is the book The Stress Management Handbook by Lori A. Leyden-Rubenstein. It offers guides to self-exploration to find the sources of your anxiety, but more importantly, it provides the tools one needs to fight it. I use what I've learned in from the book every single day. Below I've summarized a couple points that have greatly helped me.


_Realize that unhealthy anxiety stems from irrational fears_
Fear, whether rational or irrational, causes anxiety and the "fight or flight" response. Rational fear causes healthy anxiety and prepares us for stressful situations, but irrational fear causes unhealthy anxiety in normal situations. It is normal that two people will have conflict sometimes, even (perhaps esp) married couples. However, your irrational fears regarding your wife have caused a severe anxiety response in your mind. You may even get mad at her for triggering this response, which only makes the situation worse.

Irrational anxiety can cause an ugly closed feedback loop. You become stressed due to irrational fears, and you then become distraught at your own anxiety response. The severity of your response causes even more anxiety, and like that you're on the verge of a panic attack. You owe it to yourself and to your wife to figure out what's going on in your head, and to locate and close with those irrational fears. Though helpful, you don't necessarily have to go to a therapist. Meditation is another good way, and "The Stress Management Handbook" has a couple chapters based on meditation and soul-searching.

_Learn to breath properly when you feel the anxiety coming on_
Put one hand your stomach and one hand on your chest. Take a deep breath. The hand on your stomach should be moving more, since deep breaths come from your gut. Inhaling slowly, it should take 6 or so seconds. Hold the breath for 5 seconds, then slowly exhale. It should take another 6 seconds to fully exhale. Take 10 such breaths, and concentrate on the tightness and stress leaving your body.

The anxiety fueled from irrational fears triggers the "fight or flight" response, which includes shallow, rapid breathing. This is good, say, in a combat situation where you may be doing a lot of running or moving around. That's healthy anxiety. It's bad in normal life situations. Take a time-out and do the above breathing exercise. I promise, it will make a huge difference.


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## VLR

You need professional help to figure out why you are basing your security on your wife's approval/ emotional state. That will never work. You can't control what you don't understand and haven't faced.


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