# Should we just give up? Advice please!



## dontknow2468 (Feb 29, 2012)

I've been married less than a year but already so much has happened and I don't know whether to give up and save each other more stress and pain. Due to circumstances, my husband and I have been living in different countries for all but 3 months of our marriage so far but have been in contact everyday. A couple weeks after we were married I found out that a year before when we had been living together he had spent two nights at different hotels with a woman he met in a nightclub on a boys night out in a different city(whilst I was at home studying). When I found out I felt devastated and almost like I had been trapped into this marriage without knowing all the facts. Needless to say we argued a lot for weeks and weeks and eventually I forgave him because it was before we got married.

During the 3 month gap between our marriage and seeing each other again in person, my husband had been working and was supposed to have been saving for his plane ticket when a couple days before he booked he told me he didnt have a cent and in fact he was in debt so he wouldnt be able to book his ticket. This led to further distrust and upset because of all the lies. I went on a night out with his cousin and cousins friends and after talking to his cousin all night and drinking we kissed. I felt terrible and truly regretted it so I owned up to my husband the next day and he was devastated. I paid for his flight and he came to visit me the next week.

After a week or two I found out that another woman in his home country had pictures of him on her messenger profile and was proclaiming love and counting down the days until he came back to her. After initial denial my husband admitted he had been sleeping with this woman and telling her he loved her but it was because he was so hurt by my kiss and it had only been happening since i told him. I knew I did wrong so we tried to work through it. A few weeks after that I found old texts on his phone from 6 weeks after we had been married (I should have trusted him, but something made me look). The texts were from a woman saying how she couldnt get enough of him and she loved him and plans for them meeting. Again, my husband at first denied this, then admitted there had been a woman but wouldnt say who they were. This absolutely broke my heart yet I still chose to believe he could be faithful to me in the future.

My husband returned to his home country and we both had made plans that this would be the last gap apart and the next visit he would be permanently living and staying with me. The day after he left I saw messages between him and a mutual friend stating the "sex was getting better and better" and that he felt they were a family etc. He tried to get the friend in and make out that because he knew i would snoop on his things thye were pretending to do that. Obviously that was a lie and he eventually admitted to it.

STILL I chose to continue on with the marriage. A couple weeks ago, my husband told me he had been seeing the same woman again in his home country, that he was sorry and it was stopping. It turns out that this woman was the same woman as he had been with 6 weeks after we got married so to me it seems they have been together for 5 months. I felt something change in me when he told me that. Like I had given him so many chances because I had not been completley innocent and had that kiss. On that same night I invited a friend over and we ended up kissing and I did not feel guilty beacuse in my head my marriage was over. Now my husband is fighting to get us back on track but I jsut dont know if we will ever trust each other again. So much has happend and we've only been married for 9 months (we were together for 2.5 years before getting married).

Are we just trying to make something work that can never work?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Your husband sounds emotionally manipulative and he's a serial cheater. While yes you were wrong for kissing that guy, it gives him no excuse however to have sex with another woman repeatedly. The disparity in the act is much greater. 

Get out now, start a new relationship and find a man who would be completely devoted to you. If he cheats this early in the marriage (and even before you were married) you're just setting yourself up for years full of heartbreak.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

Get out now! There is no reason to stay, you can do much better.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your have never really had a marriage. Your husband will not stop cheating as he's a serial cheater. 

I agree with complexity, get out now.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

OP, was there a marriage in the first place? He continues to cheat and you a sort of forgiving?
Can you collect yourself and think?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I think you should let the marriage go. Get yourself into some counseling to see why you were so willing to put up with his treatment of you. Heal yourself and then someone will come along who is your match and treats you with love and respect.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

He is telling you what he thinks you want to hear, confessing to what he has to, begging forgiveness, saying he'll stop, and then doing what he wants to do anyway. He has never confessed to anything except the things you found out by yourself, so there's a good chance there has been much more cheating on his part, probably from the start of your relationship.

Is it possible he's using you for citizenship or something along those lines? I am in the U.S. and I knew a young woman this happened to. I think it went on for about five years and he had a whole other family one the side while he was using her to stay in the country.

Your reaction to catching him cheating also sounds very immature - kissing his cousin and then inviting your "friend" over who you also end up "kissing"?

I don't know why you would want to stay with him after all the cheating and lying he has done in so short a time, and may have been doing since the day you met him. I also don't know why he would want to continue on with you if he still wants to play the field.

From my perspective it seems like either he's using you for citizenship or you're two 14-year-olds trying to play at being grown up. If you're a very young adult in a first marriage, you're in way over your head with your husband. If you hear older married couples talk about having to get over the rough spots, they're not talking about what you're going through now. When it's this bad, this early, and there's no kids involved, you just get out and move on.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Look, he's simply not living his life as a married man. He is still dating when he wants and sleeping with them,

There isn't a marriage to save because he may have said I DO, but he never acted as a husband.

You have been strung along. 

Are you that desperate that you would accept a husband like him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dontknow2468 (Feb 29, 2012)

You guys have all pretty much been saying what I would say to anyone else if I heard the same story. I don't really know why I stuck around so long to be honest (I'm 24 and he is 31 btw). I feel scared and apprehensive of what is waiting for me if I leave. Will I ever learn to trust again? Will I ever find love or will I just be blacklisted as a dumb woman who messed up her life?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

dontknow2468 said:


> You guys have all pretty much been saying what I would say to anyone else if I heard the same story. I don't really know why I stuck around so long to be honest (I'm 24 and he is 31 btw). I feel scared and apprehensive of what is waiting for me if I leave. Will I ever learn to trust again? Will I ever find love or will I just be blacklisted as a dumb woman who messed up her life?


You will trust again when you find a good guy who doesn't play you for a fool.

The problem here isn't you, it honestly is him and his lack of care and respect and ability to tell the truth to people in his life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thrway214 (Feb 24, 2012)

dontknow2468 said:


> You guys have all pretty much been saying what I would say to anyone else if I heard the same story. I don't really know why I stuck around so long to be honest (I'm 24 and he is 31 btw). I feel scared and apprehensive of what is waiting for me if I leave. Will I ever learn to trust again? Will I ever find love or will I just be blacklisted as a dumb woman who messed up her life?


You are only 24! You will be blacklisted as dumb if you stick around and continue to be used and abused by this guy. Move on with your life. There is so much to live for and enjoy. If you first year is this bad, it will not get better.


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## dontknow2468 (Feb 29, 2012)

An update. My husband has been begging me to stay him and crying for hours each night in front of me. He says he has been an idiot and treated me awfully since the start and that he took me for granted. He wants us to work things out. He genuinely seems remorseful this time around and its messing with my head. Can someone really lie about this when they know there is nothing left to lose? 

I am so torn between what the right decision is. How long should you wait before you make a life changing decision like this? I know he did not marry me for a visa and although his actions have suggested otherwise I do believe he loves me. 

I noticed on other threads there are usually a couple people who say it might work out if the couple stay together, but on here everyone is saying leave. I moved to a different city and built my life around our future, can I really be so naive and foolish?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you can always file and see if he can prove that he is worthy in the time period that it takes to complete the divorce


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

File for divorce. You can always stop it. I would leave him. If you do leave him you will hopefully learn from this.


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