# Finally filed... feelings are starting to catch up to me



## bwent (Oct 20, 2016)

Hey, it's me again.

I wrote this thread a while back: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...really-struggling-tonight-fearing-future.html

I finally got up the courage to start getting the divorce stuff done. My husband wouldn't cooperate and come file jointly so I had to have him served, which happened. He's backed WAY off since then, which shocked me. I thought he'd cause drama. So far we are being cordial. 

I now have 12 business days until he has to give a response. If he doesn't, they'll move onto the next step in court and start to dissolve the marriage as I haven't asked for anything from him (no finances or property). 

I've got a friend I desperately want to ask on a date but I dunno if I should wait until the ball really gets rolling on this or not. (If you're curious about that situation, follow the link). 

So I was feeling good about getting all of this done... and suddenly the weight of all of this and the loneliness of this situation really hit me tonight.  I feel like I spent almost two years fighting this man, pushing him away, and I finally have time to reflect on the loss of my marriage now that he is quiet and it is so strange. I turn 30 this Friday and I just feel like this really isn't how I saw my life going.:crying:

TLDR: Husband was not a good husband, cheated on me while working abroad and brought the b**** back to my hometown. Took me a good year to get the guts to file and now I just feel a bit lost.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Save dating until well after the judges gavel has hit the hardwood! 

You don't want to necessarily bring up info that the other side can have access to during any phase of pre-trial discovery, more especially if a jury trial is ordered! Your lawyer would absolutely hate having to defend that!*


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## bwent (Oct 20, 2016)

Oh gosh it's not going to come to any of that. Neither of us have lawyers. My husband cheated for at the very least a solid 5 months, maybe more. I have screen shots and everything but I have not used them and he is well aware of this. He is getting a very good deal by simply having to sign the papers and let go as I could take half of everything yet want nothing. The clerk at the courthouse says what will likely happen is that the judge may ask to see both of us by his/herself to have the final say but that it won't go to a trial or anything. 

My husband also makes a fair amount more than me so if he tries to fight it could really turn bad for him and end up with him paying alimony. All he has to do is agree to let me go.


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## KrissyR (Apr 5, 2017)

Hey sorry to hear what you are going through. You are 30 and have plenty of time to find someone new and start a family with them. Luckily you already dont have kids with him bc divorce would be so much harder.

Also, don't mean to be irrelevant but what does your husband think of the divorce? Im curious to know for my own personal experience


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

bwent said:


> Oh gosh it's not going to come to any of that. Neither of us have lawyers. My husband cheated for at the very least a solid 5 months, maybe more. I have screen shots and everything but I have not used them and he is well aware of this. He is getting a very good deal by simply having to sign the papers and let go as I could take half of everything yet want nothing. The clerk at the courthouse says what will likely happen is that the judge may ask to see both of us by his/herself to have the final say but that it won't go to a trial or anything.
> 
> My husband also makes a fair amount more than me so if he tries to fight it could really turn bad for him and end up with him paying alimony. All he has to do is agree to let me go.


F that take half of everything from that cheater! Why are you being SO nice.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

bwent said:


> Oh gosh it's not going to come to any of that. Neither of us have lawyers. My husband cheated for at the very least a solid 5 months, maybe more. I have screen shots and everything but I have not used them and he is well aware of this. He is getting a very good deal by simply having to sign the papers and let go as I could take half of everything yet want nothing. The clerk at the courthouse says what will likely happen is that the judge may ask to see both of us by his/herself to have the final say but that it won't go to a trial or anything.
> 
> My husband also makes a fair amount more than me so if he tries to fight it could really turn bad for him and end up with him paying alimony. All he has to do is agree to let me go.


I did the same thing as you when I was 30. Divorced a cheating husband and didn't ask for a dime. I just wanted to get out. When we decided to divorce I did not know he had been cheating, but he told me after we separated, well before I got around to filing. At the time I didn't want the expense of lawyers and I just wanted out. Just let me go.

In hindsight, I realize he would have had to pay for the lawyer, and I was really just conflict avoiding by not taking some of his money. We were MARRIED. He told me I was his whole world when he asked me to marry him and I made sacrifices and changes in my life to be his wife. And he turned around and immediately cheated on me. His reason? He thought it would be fun. I don't make this **** up! When he told me he'd cheated on me our whole marriage I just told myself I did not care because I didn't want him anymore anyhow. But I realize now that I was just avoiding conflict and deep down not wanting his family and friends to think bad of me. 

But now I know I was really saying I agreed our marriage was never real. I wasn't important enough to be taken seriously as a wife. That I really did matter so little it was ok to lie to me and waste precious years of my life when I could have been with someone who cherished me, building a real marriage and future instead.

Only you know what is really best for you. But please consider your true motives for being so "nice" about this. You may really regret the decision to let him off the hook some day. I do.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Leave the dating till later, enjoy your new found freedom first.


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## bwent (Oct 20, 2016)

KrissyR said:


> Hey sorry to hear what you are going through. You are 30 and have plenty of time to find someone new and start a family with them. Luckily you already dont have kids with him bc divorce would be so much harder.
> 
> Also, don't mean to be irrelevant but what does your husband think of the divorce? Im curious to know for my own personal experience


He wants me back and has been trying to convince me to come back for some time.

Essentially what happened was this all culminated when he went to work in another country for a few months. By that point in our relationship, we were really rocky. I had jealousy issues because he constantly befriended women and they were never ugly women you know. Always pretty, always funny. He went back to post secondary school while I tried to start my career. That's where he'd meet these girls and it started to really drive a wedge between us. When he went away I foolishly thought (after quite a discussion) that we'd sort everything out when he returned. He came back, we never had sex, we fought all the time (that was something new for us), and he acted weird all summer. We started to plan our separation when not only did the other woman show up in our town, I found out that he had an affair overseas.

After that, because I'm a weak idiot, he convinced me to just call this a break and we'd keep trying. I slept with a friend of mine a few times during that break, not someone I had feelings for, it was just for fun, so instead of working on our marriage, like he said he would, he repeatedly slept with one of the biggest floozies in town who told everyone. Not only did he not try to fix things by going to counselling, he also refused to delete the other woman on FB. 

I gave up. Went on a couple dates. Decided no more. Weeellllll all of a sudden, guess who deletes the other woman and becomes absolutely devoted to wanting me back? Too little, too frigging late. But unfortunately for me, getting a divorce has been an upward battle because he still wants me. I hate myself for not being stronger and walking out the moment I saw that wh.re in my hometown.

For the record, I never even looked at an other man when we were together.


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## bwent (Oct 20, 2016)

@WorkingWife I basically just want out because we've already split our possessions ourselves and I don't want anything to do with that house of his. I said that when we married, I would never take the house or try to make him sell it. It's been in the family for four generations. We are millenials, we have like no money, so what can I possibly take from him at this point? I just made sure I got my stuff out of the house. Now I just want my name legally changed back and to no longer be connected to him.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You do realize that he likely wants you back simply because you want out and he won't have plan b anymore.

If you went back you'd get more of the same.....maybe more because you would have shown him that he can get away when it. 

You're doing the right thing..... don't waste any more of your life with this dirtbag.

He's shown you nothing but contempt. Probably still has *****s too..... he's hiding them.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

bwent said:


> @WorkingWife I basically just want out because we've already split our possessions ourselves and I don't want anything to do with that house of his. I said that when we married, I would never take the house or try to make him sell it. It's been in the family for four generations. We are millennials, we have like no money, so what can I possibly take from him at this point? I just made sure I got my stuff out of the house. Now I just want my name legally changed back and to no longer be connected to him.


Good for you. You have thought this through. I was afraid you were just trying to be the good guy and would regret it some day but your situation is different than mine.

One thing is the same though - my ex was out drinking and sleazing a couple nights a week - sometimes 'till 4:00 am! Toward the end of our marriage I was with some male colleagues in the evening and we started partying. Around 7:00 pm I called him and told him where I was and that I would be out late. He could have called to check on me or joined us, so I had no idea he was upset. But when I got home at 2:00 AM he looked like his dog had died. His eyes were bloodshot, his hair was rumpled, he was pacing back and forth. He was so JEALOUS. He was practically CRYING. He asked "Where have you been? Do you know what time it is?" I was totally confused since I had called him, but I realized I had NEVER gone out drinking with friends before even though he did it ALL the time. I said "It seems a little ironic *you *having this conversation with *me*." He said "Don't you think I know that?" Too late, buddy. When I moved out I left my wedding dress hanging in the closet and he handed it to me and said "you forgot this." I said "Oh, sorry." and dropped it in the trash. He went on and on about how *hurtful *I was. STFU CHEATER! Ah, good times! LOL.

You'll get through this and in a couple months you'll be so relieved to have him in your rear view mirror.


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