# Military life ruining my marriage?



## mateo (May 9, 2014)

I'll try to summarize 6 years of my relationship in lengthy paragraph.

I first met her in 2008 at my sisters school event. I saw her from across the media center and we locked eyes. After the event was over she came over to where I was and we started talking. She found out that she was friends with my sister and we had the same friends. I didn't get her number because to me, she was out of my league and why would she want to talk to a guy like me? A little about myself... I had long hair, wore band t-shirts and played bass in a band. Now a little about her... she was tall, thin, long black hair and seemed quite popular among her peers. After a few days I was on the family computer and saw I had a friend request on MySpace. 
Of course, I accepted the friend request and instantly we started talking and things kicked off. Shortly after we started dating. Things were going smooth until she started college. She started acting different. For example, she wouldn't respond to any of my calls or texts until late that night. Come to find out she started talking to other guys and going to the beach with them without me knowing. Now concerned, I did something I thought I'd never do and read her FaceBook message. In those messages she and this guy were talking about how much they liked each other and they should see more of each other and even invited each other to their house. After reading through those messages, I confronted her and we broke up for six months... In those six months I was distraught as hell... To cope with this, I needed a distraction and needed to do something I thought I'd never do. I joined the military. I enlisted in the Marine Corps. She found out about this and started talking to me about it. several months after that, we got back with each other and worked things out. We're now married for over a year and living in NC. She moved over here and she's having a difficult time adjusting after being here over a year. Military life is not easy for her. There is being gone for several months on deployments and late nights when on base. She kinda threw at me she she wants to move back to california and doesn't have plans on coming back. She said she'll be home waiting. You know.. What kind of person would want to do that? She's my wife. When she is gone I have no one. When she moves back she has everything. Her family, friends and opportunities she wouldn't have here. Yes, I'm jealous of that. Since she laid that on me I can't help but wonder why? I've have considered getting divorced because this "relationship" is quite depressing. We don't communicate, we interact with each other or seem to enjoy each others company. 

How should I handle this situation????
please help. I don't want to end a six year relationship but I am considering it


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are the two of you?

Did she finish college?

Military life is hard for the non-military spouse. Depending on the military person's assignment, they can be left alone for along periods of time. While you are busy with your job, she's left alone in a place where she has no family, friends or support.

It takes a very mature and strong military spouse to make the marriage work. I get the impression that your wife is still very young and not all that mature emotionally.

How long do you have until you can get out of the military? Do you want to get out? Or is this now your career plan?

At this point divorce might be your best bet.


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## mateo (May 9, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> How old are the two of you?
> 
> Did she finish college?
> 
> ...


No, she didn't finish college because we got married while she was in college. I know she resents me for that.

She has a job here with a handful of friends. She misses home and feels like she's missing out on her nephews growing up.

I have just a year before my conract ends but I plan on reenlisting.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

mateo said:


> No, she didn't finish college because we got married while she was in college. I know she resents me for that.
> 
> She has a job here with a handful of friends. She misses home and feels like she's missing out on her nephews growing up.
> 
> I have just a year before my conract ends but I plan on reenlisting.


You need to let her go.....I see no future for the two of you together.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mateo said:


> No, she didn't finish college because we got married while she was in college. I know she resents me for that.
> 
> She has a job here with a handful of friends. She misses home and feels like she's missing out on her nephews growing up.
> 
> I have just a year before my conract ends but I plan on reenlisting.


Her holding that she did not finish college against you is nonsense. She could finish her college while married. There is even financial help for military spouses to attend college. She could work and go to school.. that would keep her very busy.

Since you are planning to re-enlist, I don't see how the two of you can have a marriage unless she has some kind of huge change of heart.

I'm sorry to be so blunt about this but it's what I see. It's probably better to get a divorce now before she gets pregnant. If there was a child or two involved this would so much harder on you.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Better to let her go. Without children there is no need to prolong it.

What is the divorce rate like among marines?

Does the service offer free marriage counseling?

Did your wife want you to go to college?

Keep playing the bass guitar in bands and you will meet new women (after divorce).


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

I think you wrote your EOS is about a year away but you plan to re-enlist. Have an honest and open talk with her, tell her your plans and see if she wants to be a part of them. If not go seperate ways with no hard feelings. Hanging on will eventualy lead to resentment and perhaps infidelity if she is not really on board with your career decision. At this point so early into marriage with no children its not as tough as it could be later. Perhaps you can get to Camp Pendleton - I spent some time in San Diego for the Navy (Point Loma) and loved it there.

/R
SOS


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Ugh I hate this one because I know how it is going to end in about 3 years.

And dont get involved again until you are out. The military is awesome on all respects except one: It is complete poison to relationships and marriage.

Reference: ~10 career military friends.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Let her go OP. No need to limit her life....that would be selfish.

When you are done with military thing, start from scratch.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

mateo said:


> No, she didn't finish college because we got married while she was in college. I know she resents me for that.


What is stopping her from finishing? She may not be able to finish where she started school, but she can certainly get her degree. 

You say you are in NC, which means either Lejune or Cherry Point. There are good schools near where you are and they have online programs.




mateo said:


> I have just a year before my conract ends but I plan on reenlisting.


You know that you are going to re-enlist, the two of you need to communicate or this will definitely end poorly. I recommend that you see if there is a Fleet and Family Support center on base or look on Militaryonesource.mil for some counseling options. 

You all can have a future but not if you cannot work through your issues. Military life is tough on a family, the one's left at home to do everything frequently get frustrated with the lack of support and the constant moving every couple of years. The military nearly cost me my marriage too.

Talk to a counselor, learn to communicate with each other, and develop some compromises and solutions to the issues. For instance, have you considered transfer to one of the bases in CA to be closer to home? There are several.

Many will say that it is easier to cut her loose now, but I would not give up without at least trying.


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

IMO, you only have two choices.

Choice A,

Don't enlist, and see if you can work with her to get through until you are out and then move back to CA and she can finish up College.

Choice B,

Divorce, re-enlist.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, it looks like you value your military career over your marriage. Looks like you are ready to move on with life without your wife.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

What do you mean you have nothing if she leaves. You have your job, you have your military bubbles, etc. you have lots of things whether your marriage lasts or not.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Former military (army) and former military wife (navy) here. Military life is extremely hard on the non military spouse, as elegirl said, and not everyone can handle it. That includes extremely mature people; it's simply a difficult life. The non military spouse really can't have a stable life or career of their own unless they plant roots somewhere, and most militaries throw fits if spouse doesn't move with them. That's my experience. Also, I notice that you say you're re-enlisting but you make no mention of having discussed this with your wife, so I have to assume you're making decisions for you as opposed to your marriage with the expectation that your wife should go along with it. It also suggests this relationship might be a little one sided, but please correct this if it's in error.

This tells me you really shouldn't be married right now unless you can find someone that's ok with that. Let her go back to CA and resume her life, and you can continue yours.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

C3156 said:


> What is stopping her from finishing? She may not be able to finish where she started school, but she can certainly get her degree.
> 
> You say you are in NC, which means either Lejune or Cherry Point. There are good schools near where you are and they have online programs.
> 
> ...


Trying would include discussing re-enlistment with his wife, since it does affect the whole family. Since he hasn't seen fit to do that he shouldn't be married anyway.


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

I was in for 22 years, the military life isn't for everybody. I've known couples who thrived in it, others not so much and they were usually the younger ones who are experiencing their first deployment/move/first time away from home......... 

I think it's kind of unrealistic when people say that the military or whatever job cost them their marriage. Occupations are what they are, it's the individual and their needs that make or break a marriage.


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