# Losing it?



## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

Anyone else out there feel like you're losing it? I mean losing your mind? I have days where I feel "better" or catch myself immersed in a book or movie. At first, these things were impossible so I consider this progress. And I'm able to actually get through an entire day at work without distraction. 

But this weekend I felt so horrible. I have not seen my husband for 3 months. I had a shock to the system earlier this week where I was forced to accept that things are over. But this weekend, I feel as though I took a bunch of steps back. I feel like I'm watching him walk out that door all over again. I replay that last hug. That final look. Watching him walk away then the feeling of being paralyzed.

I'll swing from grief to reading about tips to improve marriage. Then I cry uncontrollably as I mourn what has been lost. And then I'll catch myself willing it to all go away, and trying to push it all away. Then I wonder about who is he now. Who does he want to become? What is he thinking? Does he ever think about me? I'll wonder what God has in store for us. I pray for a sign, any sign... something: "Please, please let me know what to do!" is what I'm thinking half the time. 

What is wrong with me? It seems the peaks and valleys are currently far more prominent in this portrait of a separation than they've been to date. I'm trying to put my finger on it. Maybe it's because he said he doesn't trust me and doesn't know if he ever will. Maybe it's that he asked for two weeks between email communication this time around. Maybe I'm bracing for what is to come. Maybe I'm preemptively letting go to protect myself from the pain. But then there's the anger. I'm increasingly angry at this whole situation, too.


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

I know exactly how you are feeling. I am 2 months in to separation and thought I was doing well, but as I have said in my other post, this weekend I think has been the hardest since I left. 

I am going over old memories of happy times because I don't want to forget them,but yet they are making me hurt more and more. This weekend I have found myself missing his laugh and the stupid way he always blew his nose first thing in the morning.

I have been strong so far but this weekend I have been a mess. I know it is over but it feels unfinished. I can't believe that he can let what we had go that easily, but yet I know deep down that he has. I wish I had some advice, but I don't. Nothing anyone says will make you feel better because all you want to hear is he is coming back. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone in feeling this way. I am right there with you.

Take care


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

Hey, thanks for sharing you're feeling this way too... it's really tough. I'm sorry to hear you had a crummy weekend as well. I also went through a phase where I'd only think of the good times, but I am now at a place where I'm starting to get what happened. I'm also at a place where I'm worried out about some stuff I should really do better to let go. 

Yesterday I was on the phone with a family member who commented that at least I had a good job. I actually found myself saying that I didn't get much out of hearing that since I had no life. This was not entirely constructive as we do need to count the blessings, and not focus on the stuff that is missing. But that is how I felt in that moment: like all I had was a good job, a couple of cats, and family in a different part of the country. And a husband in another country, one who doesn't want to talk to me. Poor me, blah blah blah. I'm tried of my "poor me" thoughts. I'm tired of hearing that garbage come out my mouth.

I got 4 hours of sleep last night because I was wondering in all of this is maybe my husband's next step is to find someone new. This has been weighing heavy on my the past couple of days because he noted in a fairly recent email that it wouldn't have taken him much to be tempted into an affair. What about after 3 months of separation? A person has to get lonely. Well, I know. It's really lonely. But I have no desire to meet anyone (ever ever again). I'm withdrawing and I'm an introvert by nature. He, on the other hand, seems to be getting out there with as many people as possible. 

And that brings me to my next point: in some regards, he feels like he is a stranger to me now. So then this sent me off thinking about the final year we had together and how and when and what was going on then. And how he was processing stuff way back then and dealing with it. And I can't compare where I am to where he is. I can't compare where he was 6 months ago to where I am now. 

I got thinking about how when he left he had already done a lot of grieving. And how he likens what he put me through to what his first wife put him through. And how he asked me if I felt like my heart was pounding. It was all with a "it's over and this is what is going to happen" attitude. It had all been planned for months. And I know how all his closer friends knew and I figure they think I'm the bad person in all of this. 

After hours of not being able to sleep with all these ridiculous thoughts going through my head, I had to let it go. I hope I can stay awake enough to get through the day. Thank God for coffee.

Each day, I think about what I would do if my husband were to say he wanted to give us a chance. I think about my deep inner reaction. I think about the pragmatics of it all. I think about how family and friends would react.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

While it is difficult, you have to stop thinking about the past and figure out what you want to do with yourself in the future.

There are things you can do outside, as an introvert, that will help keep your mind off the past. Go to a gym, volunteer, anything that keeps your mind occupied and your body moving. This will also help you sleep at night.

Good luck.


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

OMG these is exactly the thoughts that are going on in my head all the time, no matter what else I am doing and what I'm trying to concentrate on, all these thoughts are there on loop in the background. The only difference being I know my husband is with someone else so I spend all my time thinking 'will they break up, if so when, if not will they get married and have children, will that married break up, if it all goes wrong would he get in touch with me' I know its not constructive but its how my head is working right now.

"And that brings me to my next point: in some regards, he feels like he is a stranger to me now. So then this sent me off thinking about the final year we had together and how and when and what was going on then. And how he was processing stuff way back then and dealing with it. And I can't compare where I am to where he is. I can't compare where he was 6 months ago to where I am now.

I got thinking about how when he left he had already done a lot of grieving. And how he likens what he put me through to what his first wife put him through. And how he asked me if I felt like my heart was pounding. It was all with a "it's over and this is what is going to happen" attitude. It had all been planned for months."

This is exactly how I feel, I keep asking friends and family if they saw any sign that he was unhappy and none of them did. He says he has been unhappy for 2 years I'm sorry no I can't believe that, not thinking back on the things we did. I can't believe it has been so easy for him to walk away. 

I know what you mean about the blessings thing, I am making a life for myself and enjoying meeting friends and doing new things. But it doesn't feel like my life. Its like I am observing it from the outside. My life was with him. 

Sorry I'm probably not helping at all.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> While it is difficult, you have to stop thinking about the past and figure out what you want to do with yourself in the future.
> 
> There are things you can do outside, as an introvert, that will help keep your mind off the past. Go to a gym, volunteer, anything that keeps your mind occupied and your body moving. This will also help you sleep at night.
> 
> Good luck.


Thanks, Chris. I agree about focusing on the future and focusing on things in my control. I do go to a gym. And right now I'm doing some serious rehab work on a running injury, so the routine of seeing a chiropractor and physiotherapist and my daily stretches keep me somewhat occupied. 

In my case, I live in a place where I'm a 2-hour plane ride from all of my family. I've been here for 5 years, and it was never meant to be a permanent stay. And that was part of the reason my husband left: we were in this together. So it comes with very mixed emotions that I am going to try to make the best of this coming year (assuming I'll still be here?) in trying to volunteer, etc. I would like to volunteer and I would like to join a church. I need these things. And I know that I need to think about others in order to heal the things inside myself.

Two steps forward, one back. This weekend felt like a step back. I think I'm accepting that my "separation" is actually like a divorce in the sense that I was left and have been living entirely on my own for three months. He started a new life. New country, new job, new vehicles, new roommate, new ways of seeing things, new dreams, new goals. 

What is making this more difficult is that I know I am nowhere near capable of making a move right now. For me, that would be running. I need to make the best of this job in the coming year. And I need to work on relationship skills. I need to give more. And while the act of sponsoring a child in another country and donating to a charity still make me feel good one one level, isn't really the same thing as getting out there on weekends and giving a hand. 

At the same time, I'm just totally messed up inside. My heart says one thing yet my head reminds me daily of a few very sad truths.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

everantisocial said:


> OMG these is exactly the thoughts that are going on in my head all the time, no matter what else I am doing and what I'm trying to concentrate on, all these thoughts are there on loop in the background. The only difference being I know my husband is with someone else so I spend all my time thinking 'will they break up, if so when, if not will they get married and have children, will that married break up, if it all goes wrong would he get in touch with me' I know its not constructive but its how my head is working right now.


Thoughts on loop in the background is exactly what I feel as well. That's a really good way of describing it. Lately I've been able to be present in the moment without being conscious of the backchannel conversation going on in my brain. But when I'm at home alone that chatter gets really loud. It's a series of questions, hypotheticals, case studies, plausibilities, interpretations, realizations... all encapsulated in this fog of emotion. And that fog includes guilt, hurt, fear, anger, love, desire, appreciation, regret, remorse... the list goes on. It's the unpredictability of these emotions that is worrisome. And it seems as though I'm very much in "reaction mode" in the sense that what my husband says very much influences how I feel, how much hope I have, what directions are possible, etc.

I'm still in "we" mode while living the life of a single person. I'm still in a "together hopeful" mindset while grieving the loss of a marriage and many dreams. I question my sanity most days.


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

Not sure its a good thing we have found each other as I'm not sure I am being positive or encouraging,but it is so nice to know that I am not going crazy, that I'm not the only one feeling like this.

Are you still in the awkward we/I phase, where you are so used to saying 'we did that','we went there' that you find yourself saying it, then correcting it to 'I', then feeling guilty/abandoned/stupid because you corrected yourself...all this while trying to smile and have a normal conversation. Or I find myself having 2 conversations, one out loud with friends and family about how I am keeping busy and its a new start etc and the one in my head which is I hate this, I want him back.

This sums everything up "I'm still in "we" mode while living the life of a single person.". That is just what I am doing, people think because my diary is full, that I am leaving my married life behind, when inside I am clutching onto it as hard as I can. 

I am sure we will feel better and I suppose it is better to be feeling something than feeling numb, which is how I have felt up to this point. Just at times numb seems the better option.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

No worries, EAS - it's definitely comforting to know we're not alone in feeling the way we do! It's a trying, sad time for sure though. I'm sorry anyone ever has to go through this. I feel pretty sad when I read others' posts on this board, but there are a lot of positive thoughts here too and some very supportive board supporters.

Re the "we" talk... I went through a really bad stage at about the two-month period where I'd catch myself repeatedly then correct it only to explain to people what I meant. Today, even after three months I found myself (a) informing a colleague about my separation and (b) responding "Everything's great - thanks!" to another colleague I hadn't seen in a long time who asked "So, how's married life?" - a little awkward, but hey. I chose the path of least resistance and I was quite proud of myself for not breaking down. 

I still mess the "we" thing up all the time, mostly because I don't entirely think in terms of "I" yet. But I suppose I should have thought of that throughout the marriage is what I tell myself. That one will throw you for a serious loop if you think on it long enough! I've been doing a lot of thinking on the meaning of "alone" lately. Ugh.

Re the full diary... I can relate to that. While I'm an introvert and my family is a long way away, I do keep busy. My problem is that I have family who either want to visit from a great distance (and stay with me for a week) or want me to go there to "take a break" - a 500.00 plane ticket, and much visiting and eating and sitting on my butt and difficult discussion if I go there. These are not things I'm ready for yet. And when I do visit home I'd like for it to be nice for everyone.

It might sound silly, but I have been saving up my holidays and money to see my husband if and when. That is something I won't let go, and this tells me that while part of me recognizes that stuff is now very different... part of me still has hope (as hard as I try to put up a front, let myself be angry, and try to build up a wall).


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## cantdothis (Aug 4, 2010)

I feel the same way you do maplesky.Especially the part about praying for a sign, I pray for that every day. It has been 3 months and for a while I was doing better, going to the gym, going out, now I feel I am back to where I started. I wish I had some words of encouragement or advice for you but I don't, the only thing I can say is you're not alone in feeling this way.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

cantdothis said:


> I feel the same way you do maplesky.Especially the part about praying for a sign, I pray for that every day. It has been 3 months and for a while I was doing better, going to the gym, going out, now I feel I am back to where I started. I wish I had some words of encouragement or advice for you but I don't, the only thing I can say is you're not alone in feeling this way.


Hi! Thanks for your reply. I read your other posts and I can see that you are really hurting, and I know how hard this is because I've had days I thought were unbearable. Somehow we get through, though. But I'd be lying to say it has been easy or that I don't have days when I'm at a total loss and just want someone or something to make some decisions for me. 

I hope you're able to focus a little more on your studies in the coming week, and to do some nice things for yourself. In all of this I've realized that each little thing we can manage to do that makes us feel a little better really does help. Were you able to eat something yummy and healthy today? I hope so! If not, maybe you can make that your goal for tomorrow? 

Take care!


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

I have decided to have a duvet day until its time to go to my dance class this evening, I know the advice is to get out and meet people but I have walked the dog this morning and chatted to dog walkers so I think that counts. I just want to not think for a while, so I am back in bed, a supply of drinks next to me, my favourite book, big bang theory ready to play in the background and the dog snuggled next to me. This is all I can manage till I go out dancing. 

I think we must all be pretty much at the same stage (maplesky and cantdothis). I recognise so much of what I am going through in what you say. Like you cantdothis when I first moved out I had a huge burst of 'yeah I'm going do this for me' but as time goes on and he hasn't come back that energy has seeped away. The same with maplesky, I am at the I want him back stage, I know I shouldn't but I just miss him. I'm not religious but I have bargained with every higher power out there to give me another chance. 

So today I am having a rest from it all. If you need me I'll be under the covers.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

Happy duvet day! I've had a few of these days myself, some planned and others not. And it usually meant watching reruns of Fraiser (for a laugh) or Sex and the City (misery loves company). Sometimes it meant writing my brains out in my journal or reading self-help books. But mostly it was just trying to disassociate from everything. 

Now that three months have passed, I have a new rule with myself about work. I will do my best to look presentable (that means going to work, being on time, and dressing appropriately for work) is number one. Number two is that I will focus on my work and try to do a good job (I try to focus on my work tasks and not let my mind wander and I'm working on professional development and being a good team player). And number three is that I will work on my relationship skills with people at work (this is the tough one because it includes being sociable even when I don't necessarily want to and it means I need to not talk about the separation whenever possible). The work thing is starting to build back part of my tattered self-esteem and that makes me feel good, so I'll keep at it. Sure, it's the only thing I really have right now, but I can feel good about it so it is a start. 

I'm glad you have dance classes, EAS! That sounds great. And dog therapy is just wonderful, too. I have recreational outlets as well, and get a lot out of them. But at times I find myself choosing to stay in and not pursue these activities; hopefully this will change with the passage of time. It seems as though meeting my goal for work is taking a lot out of me. I guess our resources are pretty tapped as we go through this, so I've decided to be okay with that and do things in the evening and on weekends when I feel good and ready for it.


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

I'm a teacher so we are on holiday at the moment. I have never been so desperate to get back to work and normality. Its been really difficult to find things to do fill my time, especially as I'm now on a limited budget. 

Duvet day has been just what I needed. Dozed a bit, read a bit, took the pressure off for a couple of hours. I love my dance class, its the highlight of my week, again for a couple hours I think about the dance steps rather than my situation.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

Sounds like a perfect day. Hope the dancing goes well! What steps are you working on? I've always thought about signing up for a class, but I have two left feet! 

Re the teaching, I feel for you in terms of not having that to occupy your thoughts. I was a full-time teacher but moved into a non-faculty position which means I now work summers. Up until this past year, I had been teaching part-time as well. Truthfully, keeping busy at work has been a double-edged sword, however; at first it was really hard to go through this and have to work, but things are now really good in terms of the people I'm working with. We've got new staff and energy and I'm finding this revitalizing! And this evening, I had an invite to go out for dinner then to a little get-together after that - super thoughtful. But I had to say no... had to get home, feed the cats, and get a run in. First things first.

On a different note, I had a bit of an personal growth moment last evening and again today. I was feeling insecure and was starting to wonder. You know those questions we ask on a daily basis, the ones we have playing in the background at all hours of the day?

What's he doing?
Does he think about me? 
When will he contact me next? 
Will he forgive me? 
Will he ever trust me again?
What went wrong?
What's wrong with me?

Well, guess what? I shut it off. I found the off switch last evening and I slept and I now have an ability to choose to think about this stuff. Talk about liberating! Now I don't just say I found it because I want to have found it -- I really found it. I turned the chatter off, and focused on me -- and on keeping things light, real, happy, and positive.

I'm noting this moment on my calendar.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

maplesky said:


> Hey, thanks for sharing you're feeling this way too... it's really tough. I'm sorry to hear you had a crummy weekend as well. I also went through a phase where I'd only think of the good times, but I am now at a place where I'm starting to get what happened. I'm also at a place where I'm worried out about some stuff I should really do better to let go.
> 
> Yesterday I was on the phone with a family member who commented that at least I had a good job. I actually found myself saying that I didn't get much out of hearing that since I had no life. This was not entirely constructive as we do need to count the blessings, and not focus on the stuff that is missing. But that is how I felt in that moment: like all I had was a good job, a couple of cats, and family in a different part of the country. And a husband in another country, one who doesn't want to talk to me. Poor me, blah blah blah. I'm tried of my "poor me" thoughts. I'm tired of hearing that garbage come out my mouth.
> 
> ...


Well dont know if it will help you or not but you are doing better than I. I seriously wish I didnt wake up in the morning. I feel either in pain or numb and really have no motivation to go on. 

I dont care about working my buisness or about anything else.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

Brewster 59 said:


> Well dont know if it will help you or not but you are doing better than I. I seriously wish I didnt wake up in the morning. I feel either in pain or numb and really have no motivation to go on.
> 
> I dont care about working my buisness or about anything else.


Hi Brewster, I'm really sorry to hear this. I'm going to share something in hopes perhaps this might help: I have three reasons I knew I would go on (really deep down because I was more or less paralyzed that first week after he left - I was in a pretty bad state of shock and I am by no means a healed person... there is a long way to go) and I sort of knew the motions I had to go through to reconnect with myself and life, without having to see it through the lens of marriage:

1. In my early 20s I was suicidal. I'll be 38 this fall, so that was a long time ago. But that was the darkest time in my entire life. But one day I was walking alone when I saw the sun. I *really* saw the sun and it was beautiful, and I remember it like yesterday. From that day on, I have never looked back. I will never go back to anything remotely as dark as that place. 

2. I was married previously, so I have already experienced the pain of divorce. I recall the stages of grief. I knew how long it took. I wasn't as freaked out this time when my emotions would swing all over the place. And I even know that questioning my own sanity at times is part of the whole cycle of healing. Also, I know the mistakes I made in healing from that relationship, and I'm determined to get it right now. 

3. I know I am really strong. I've lived in different countries, had to adjust to some pretty crazy circumstances, I withstood 5 years in this awful city with zero family and friend support, and that makes me tough as nails. Of course, I don't want to be alone and without a support system, but I am working on that. In the meantime, I know I have a pretty deep reservoir of strength to put one foot in front of the other and to find beauty in little things, no matter how crappy the circumstances are. And they are really really crappy.

I guess the point of this is to share that we all have things in our lives that give us strength. Find those things. It might be children, faith, a pivotal moment in life, a hobby, a sport, a TV show, music, a favourite meal, a friend, anything. Just find it and use it to remind yourself that you will and can go on. Hang in there. I know it's tough. I know it sucks. Royally.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

Okay, I just re-read that last post of mine. I meant every word of it, yet it doesn't really capture how messed up and hurt and confused I am about this separation, the whole process, limbo, etc. I don't want to give the impression I'm doing well or okay or don't have really horrible moments. It's just not true. But I'm having moments that are better. I could well have a really bad day tomorrow.


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

I go to a jive class which is great, open to anyone, no ability needed. They teach you 3 new set moves a week then you get a chance to practice. Its good in that people tend not to go with partners so you dance with lots of different people. But its also a bit daunting in that respect as you get asked to dance by people who have been going for years and know all the fancy moves. But it means I have to talk to people and not hide as the unwritten rule is you don't say no if someone asks you to dance. I go with my friend but she is on holiday next week so I am going to be brave and go on my own. 

I really can't wait to get back to work, I think that's why I have taken a step back and lost my energy. My friends have been great but they can't fill up every hour. I have been making sure I have something planned every day but there are large chunks of time when its just me and the dog (my family live 5 hours away). I start a new job and a masters course when I get back to work which will give me something else to think about, because at the moment I just have too much time to get caught up in those pointless thoughts. 

I am so glad you have taken a step forward. It will be great for you just to have that peace of mind and to give your brain a rest. You are sounding much more positive all round. I envy you.


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

I think that is the worst thing in all this...the confusion.

I am usually a pretty sorted person, things don't phase me but this has just knocked me for six. It feels like the ground has been pulled from under me and I am free falling. I don't know where my emotions are going to be from one minute to the next and nothing seems fixed anymore. I don't feel I have anything permanent to grab on to to keep me grounded. Though suicide has never been an option I know exactly what you mean by wanting things to stop,the whole thing is just so tiring, you need a rest from having to keep things going. Suddenly the easiest things seem so hard because as well as having to walk the dog or have a shower, you have to cope with the constant voice in your head wearing you down. I am holding on to the fact that although I am down at the moment, the only way from that is up. I still want him to come back and I think I will still hope that for a good while to come, I love him and at the moment everything feels unfinished like the universe hasn't done with us yet. But I am forcing myself.....and sometimes I do have to force myself to get dressed and get out..to make a life for me. Ok, in doing that something has to give, the house isn't as tidy as it could be and I am living on convenience food but that will come when I have more energy.

Brewster 59, find one good thing,there must be something to keep you going. Mine has been my dog, if I hadn't had him I would have given up by now. Take care


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

I'm really glad you have your jive classes (sounds fun!) and your dog. I have my running and my cats. I've been thinking about doctoral studies... I finished my masters almost ten years ago, but have been putting it off for a long time. But the other day I had bit of an epiphany while at physiotherapy: that would be a very cool thing to get into. So I'm really grateful that my curiosity about new things seems to be reawakening. 

This morning is rough, though. This is the first time my husband and I have gone 2 weeks without a single word. It's surreal, and painful. I turned on the TV and there was this show on called Uber Guide, and the theme was top 10 romantic destinations. Somebody shoot me and put me out of my misery! Ugh. But I forced myself to watch it for a few minutes to test out the tolerance level. My threshold for that stuff has been confirmed about 5%. So maybe it'll be a chores day plus a bit of a run. There is a new CD I want to pick up, so I'll throw that in there too. And my one cat needs an annual vet appointment. These are the things that will keep me going. 

I am in a pretty bad funk this morning. All I could think about while watching that show was "Yeah, I'd like to be there in Italy with my husband. How come we never had a proper honeymoon? How come we never traveled abroad together?" Then I remembered: "Oh, yeah. Because our circumstances were such that we couldn't. It was tough." 

I shared a bit about what happened with my husband and I with a new female colleague (who was asking me about my plans for PD, doctoral studies, etc.) and I shared that I didn't feel comfortable making decisions on that just quite yet because I didn't know where I was going to be living. She asked what happened. I shared a few things. And she said, "No wonder he left." The thing is, her comment was not in response to things I did or he did. It was simply to what we had to go through in terms of life... immigration, death in the family, geographical challenges, etc. 

I'm kind of feeling sorry for myself this morning. Sorry gang. I hope you're all doing better than I am today.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Hang in there, at this moment all you can do is what is good for you.. 

Keep yourself very busy 

Maplesky my thoughts are with you


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

Thank you, Wisp. I'll do my best to keep busy today... I'm going to get up from the computer shortly and write down the plan for the day. One thing that has helped is writing stuff on the calendar, even if it just meant a trip to the store for milk. 

Speaking of the calendar, today is the 100th day of my separation. One hundred days ago today, my husband got on a plane and flew 1400 miles away. I haven't seen him since and I don't know if I ever will. It's pretty sad, but there you have it: I count the days on the calendar. One day I will stop, but I haven't yet.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

100th day – this tells me you should stop counting, knowing this type of information causes a lot of pain.

Look forwards only. Think of the good things you can do tomorrow, walk lots, make new friends (easier said than done – I know) but get out there.

Bless you …


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

Wisp said:


> 100th day – this tells me you should stop counting, knowing this type of information causes a lot of pain.
> 
> Look forwards only. Think of the good things you can do tomorrow, walk lots, make new friends (easier said than done – I know) but get out there.
> 
> Bless you …


Thanks again, Wisp. Any suggestions for stopping the counting? I know I need to. On the other hand, there's a part of me that doesn't want to; if I do, it will feel like I am giving up. And, if I give up, I'm worried what is going to happen. I'm worried that my letting go will somehow be the end of the marriage. It scares me and makes me uneasy in a number of ways.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

I used to take my sister for long hard runs, had her exhaust herself and burn out the emotions that were hurting. She had to keep herself busy and went to bed tired every night. At the same time she focused on her job and took up a part time degree. 

Aim was for her to look after herself and work on self-improvement. 

There is no simple answer, post some thoughts and others can contribute.

Thoughts are with you


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

Thanks, Wisp. I'm trying to keep busy... just wanted to check in. I'm going to try to stop writing those numbers on the calendar... the last I heard from my husband was on August 3. He said the next communication would be in two weeks, so I guess any day now. The thing is: I'm having to brace myself for it. 

I find it increasingly hard to re-engage these conversations when I'm hearing the same things: he can't trust me, he's happy the way things are, etc. I have a feeling that we'll be making a final decision about things pretty soon so I have really mixed feelings about that. 

In the meantime, I actually went ahead and made plans for a short trip next year - something for me. That was a big step.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Hi maple, 

I wish you strength and patience. That's all I can say. 

I, like you, have gone through really rough situations and I had a pretty bad break up before this one, I know this shall pass too like the previous did, it is only a matter of time and self-growth. 

Everybody, my counselor, my friends and my family are saying that I am doing everything I can and even more to get out of this sad situation I cannot do anything else but live on. 

All my best maple


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

Hi

Been thinking about you while you have been off being busy. The trip sounds a positive move and will be something to look forward to whatever happens.

When the communication comes I wish you the strength to deal with it whatever the news is.

Take care of yourself


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

Thanks guys - I really appreciate the support. I did receive an email from my husband this evening. 

There wasn't a lot that was new in his email, but he does sound a little less angry and a little more reflective. Right now he remains happier alone and is trying to figure out his path. He says he is certain he made the right choice in leaving, but he's not making any final decisions about the marriage yet. 

In a way, this mirrors how I feel as well. There are times when I can forget what happened and enjoy things, and in those moments I do feel happier than when things were not so good between he and I. And I guess I'm also trying to figure out what is next. 

For now, I guess that still means anything is possible. And I'll have to remain patient with this uncertainty for a little while longer. There's no point in rushing things since healing has its own timelines that are independent of our needs, wants, and desires.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

Pity part for one (others welcome in case anyone else is having a crummy Saturday night). 

Tonight sucks! I'm sitting here with my cats after spending about an hour or so journaling and counting the blessings in my life and thinking about the neat things I might be able to do with my life... yet I am _still_ bummed out. I feel lonely this evening. In that last email he sent me he spoke to me about his feelings in the same light as the feelings he has for his ex-wife. How can you be married and happy one day then talking to your spouse from such a great emotional distance? What kind of a messed up universe is this? How did this all happen? I still feel like it isn't happening half the time. It is seriously messed up.

I feel like I'm making progress some days, and other days I realize how much growth I still need to do and it is overwhelming. The biggest thing right now is really trying to "see" people for who they are and value that, genuinely value it and show people in a way that means something to them. I don't think I did a good enough job of that with my husband. No, I know I didn't do a good enough job of that with my husband. But then again I don't think he did with me either. 

We did well in the beginning to be open and honest and transparent, but somehow there was a respect and support issue. I think he believed he was accepting of my different ways, but I think he pushed a lot of his disapproval down. And when stuff got difficult, it came out. Me, on the other hand, I think I just out and said what I thought about stuff and that meant being judgmental. I guess we were opposites in that way. 

I'm rambling. I'm tired, lonely, sad, hurt, and not entirely optimistic this evening. Guess I'm in touch with my emotions at least.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

Oh and one more thing! I do not, under any circumstance, want to get this all wrong in the coming years. I do not want to get weak and fall into another relationship because I get lonely. Not good! I'm not saying that is why I married my husband and I'm not saying that is where I'm currently headed, but I am saying I'm getting to the point where I know it is going to get tougher by the day for the coming couple of years to be strong to go on a new kind of journey on my own. Has anyone out there ever done this? Have you some advice? How do you do it? 

I actually wrote out my history of relationships. Has anyone else done that? Just wrote them out, looked for patterns, etc. and this is what I noticed: in my adult life, I have never been alone and not in a relationship for more than a year. So why is that I've been asking myself? Forgetting that I still believe that marriage can be very fulfilling, I wonder what it is that I was trying to find in others that I couldn't find in me? 

Big tough questions these days. This is starting to get ridiculously hard at times, but I want to get through this with more than some superficial understanding of happiness as a single woman because that is the only choice it would appear the future holds. I want to find real meaning, real strength, real peace, real confidence, real knowledge of who I am in this world, and a feeling that I'm somehow worthy and respected for who I am and not something that I might feel I need to be. I'll add to this integrity. I want to be a gentle, caring person of integrity.


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

Hi

I was going to leave a reply over the weekend saying that you seemed to have come to some sort of peace with yourself and your situation and how jealous I was as I am really struggling. I think its the weekend when I really realize how much I miss him. I keep busy all week and everyone wants to do things but the weekend is a time for family. My friends are all off with husbands, wives,children, even the dog walkers I talk to each day aren't about at the weekend. I hate the weekends, time just drags, I tend to go back to bed in the afternoon just to waste a few hours. How sad is that.

I really don't think these people realize how much hurt they cause, because they are in a place where they have moved on they expect the other person to be the same and don't realize how hurtful their careless remarks are. My ex did it, he told me before I moved out that anything I didn't take was going to the tip. OK even if you are going to throw away our life don't tell me about it. 

I didn't realize what loneliness actually felt like. I find myself wondering how people whose lose a partner and carry on for years alone do it. I hate coming home to an empty house, having non one to cook for, care about, share the day with. How do elderly people who live alone for years manage. 

Sorry I always do such a bad job of trying to cheer you up. I have said in another post, I am not even considering thinking of another relationship until I can say that if my ex came back I wouldn't consider taking him back. It wouldn't be fair to get in a relationship where part of my heart was holding on to my feelings for my ex. I can't envisage getting married again. I meant my vows when I made them and have had to give them up against my will. To promise someone else would seem unfair. I have come to the conclusion I pick unstable men because they are exciting and a challenge, use all my strength to keep them grounded then I'm surprised when they turn and do something like my ex has done. I need to be the carer, the stabilizer to feel I am needed. But where is the passion and excitement in always being the sensible one. 

I'm not crying so much and getting through the day. Its just the constant ache that I carry. Even good memories are hurting because they are gone and there won't be any more. I just find it all so tiring. I was speaking to my friend last week and she had seen some of my ex's friends and they had asked how I was getting on. She told them that I was doing great and I just wanted to shout 'Don't tell people that, I'm not doing great, I'm falling apart'. the stupid thing is part of it was I didn't want him to think I was getting over him. 

God the weekends are horrible....how sorry for myself am I. Think I am starting to go a bit crazy. I'm here with you, going through the same ups and downs. If you are lonely at the weekend message me. I'll probably be sitting feeling sorry for myself.

Take care


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

maplesky & everantisocial 

I can't offer any good advice on how to take the pain and hurt away, all I can say is think of yourselves and look to the future.

Make plans for tomorrow, do not think to much about what has happened in the past, what is done is done and you can’t change it. 

As for future relationships, give it time, small steps; I believe there is a soul mate waiting for both of you.

Take your time, keep your values and look after yourselves

Thoughts with you both


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

everantisocial said:


> I think that is the worst thing in all this...the confusion.
> 
> I am usually a pretty sorted person, things don't phase me but this has just knocked me for six. It feels like the ground has been pulled from under me and I am free falling. I don't know where my emotions are going to be from one minute to the next and nothing seems fixed anymore. I don't feel I have anything permanent to grab on to to keep me grounded. Though suicide has never been an option I know exactly what you mean by wanting things to stop,the whole thing is just so tiring, you need a rest from having to keep things going. Suddenly the easiest things seem so hard because as well as having to walk the dog or have a shower, you have to cope with the constant voice in your head wearing you down. I am holding on to the fact that although I am down at the moment, the only way from that is up. I still want him to come back and I think I will still hope that for a good while to come, I love him and at the moment everything feels unfinished like the universe hasn't done with us yet. But I am forcing myself.....and sometimes I do have to force myself to get dressed and get out..to make a life for me. Ok, in doing that something has to give, the house isn't as tidy as it could be and I am living on convenience food but that will come when I have more energy.
> 
> Brewster 59, find one good thing,there must be something to keep you going. Mine has been my dog, if I hadn't had him I would have given up by now. Take care


I was embarrased that this is the way I feel so I never looked back on this thread.

Fortunatley I have more than one good thing in my life, I have my children, both grown and moved out but I love them and spend time with them, I have a few close friends, I have my mom, I have my dogs and for you dog lovers they are my children.

So now after 3mo of not even wanting to get up in the morning and wishing god would take me home. I am trying to resume a life that is even worth living.


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## gfin (Sep 13, 2010)

Sorry to barge in but I can identify with what you guys are saying. I am two months into separation and was asked to leave by my wife. I find being on my own so difficult and work has been such a drag. I know I need to take one day at a time but it's so difficult not worrying about the future or the past. We were married for fourteen years so living on my own has been a shock. I didn't realize how much my confidence and self esteem was rooted in her. I have been going to the gym and meeting friends to try and keep busy, I am even trying to learn to swim but some days I find much harder than others. I guess we need to focus on improving our own lives without worrying all the time. The worry for me is the thing that paralyses me so I need to let it go. I must admit that there is a temptation to find another woman to meet my needs but I know that would be wrong but the thoughts are still there. If I cannot be happy alone then I cannot be happy with somebody I assume. Need to be happy in myself first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

gfin said:


> If I cannot be happy alone then I cannot be happy with somebody I assume. Need to be happy in myself first.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Very true, I would fight those urges because although you will feel fulfilled at first, in the end, you will find just emptiness. 

I am 5 months in the process and believe me it gets better every day, you have to reconnect with yourself first, you will remember trust me. I see it as riding a bicycle, the day will come that you will see yourself as an independent and confident individual again, like the person you used to be before all this was dumped on you. My therapist said something that I will always remember, we don't have to see ourselves as failures but as survivors, and it's true when all this has passed, we can only say that we survived possibly the darkest moments of our lives.

You will have bad days and good days but as time goes by you will have as many bad as good and finally more good than bad days.


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## gfin (Sep 13, 2010)

stbxhmaybe said:


> Very true, I would fight those urges because although you will feel fulfilled at first, in the end, you will find just emptiness.
> 
> I am 5 months in the process and believe me it gets better every day, you have to reconnect with yourself first, you will remember trust me. I see it as riding a bicycle, the day will come that you will see yourself as an independent and confident individual again, like the person you used to be before all this was dumped on you. My therapist said something that I will always remember, we don't have to see ourselves as failures but as survivors, and it's true when all this has passed, we can only say that we survived possibly the darkest moments of our lives.
> 
> You will have bad days and good days but as time goes by you will have as many bad as good and finally more good than bad days.


Many thanks I appreciate the reply, believe me when I say I am looking at these forums in terms of support now. I do have lots of friends but there is only so much you can say sometimes. 

I know what you mean in terms of recconecting with myself. I used to be very confident in retrospect maybe arrogant. I have been truly humbled by this and struggle to remember what made me so confident, it is very upsetting. 

Trying to be positive...... I had a very stressful day at work and mostly came through it. Last week I would have told my boss I needed to go home but today I stuck it out. Having a few glasses of wine tonight (not great but need some relief) and trying to see that I made a step forward today by not leaving work early. 

I guess there is a bit of learning to cycle about it. I don't want to be somebody who stumbles from relationship to relationship. I was faithfull for 14 years and only had one other serious relationship before that but the arms of another woman no matter how shallow can seem a nice place to be but I am know I need to seek shelter in a more solid place. 

Can anybody reccomend a good solid self help book that I could read?

Just so you know I don't really see myself as a victim in this as I was selfish in our marriage and I see why my wife pulled the plug. I do however feel that there was a little bit of blame on her side as well perhaps 70/30.

I have told myself that there will be little chance of reconciliation and taken off my ring. If it happens then it is a bonus but I don't want to live on false hope. 

Again thanks for listening.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

gfin said:


> I am know I need to seek shelter in a more solid place.


Within yourself...

That's a good approach, personally I don't give it % I just know that it wasn't meant to be period. 

I can recommend you three good books: 

1) Even with all the hype and everything, reading the book Eat, Pray, Love has helped me a lot, the author pretty much describes what I went through and what I am going through and will go through.

2) Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life by Nhich Nhat Hanh

3) The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle 

Also you can just go to your local bookstore, buy a cup of coffee and browser the self-help or relationship section, pretty much you will learn something from every book you choose. 

The wine is a good thing, I tried it was well, it used to take the edge off when I was really anxious a couple of months ago. As long as doesn't become a habit and in excess I don't see the problem.

Thumbs up for not leaving work early, that's what is all about having small successes to give us back our confidence. From not leaving early, to being able to be by ourselves w/o needing to talk to somebody, to being able to cook for us, even to help others instead of being us the ones who need help. The point is to gain back our confidence, this will enable us to believe that it shall pass, and everything will be alright.


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