# Separated and confused...seeking advice



## Eric_ (Nov 17, 2010)

After 10 years of marriage and three children, my wife and I separated in July and she plans to move back to her hometown 300 miles away in May when she is done with Nursing school. Our marriage had been rocky for several years, much of it owing to my own attitude and lack of respect. I took my wife for granted and I never made her feel like she mattered.

We are still living together and mostly get along well. We still sleep in the same bed and have sex fairly regularly. We have both experimented with other relationships, but for me it never felt right. I have realized that I am still deeply in love with my wife, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I am seeking counseling and medical help for my depression and anxiety, and I feel that I have made great strides to be a better husband and person in general.

I have talked with her about trying to salvage our marriage, and she believes it is very unlikely as she is no longer in love with me and does not trust me. I think recently I have been too open about my feelings about reconciling with her, and she feels smothered and controlled. The more I try to make things work, the further away she seems to go.

Neither of us are currently seeing anyone else, but there is another guy (who lives in her hometown) who is pursuing her, and she occasionally calls and texts him. She's been very honest with me about this. I know there have not been any sexual relations yet. However, he will be in town in a couple of weeks and she will be going out to dinner with him. She will also be spending a few days back at her hometown around the same time. To be blunt, the thought of her sleeping with this guy makes it feel like my heart is exploding...it is more pain than I have ever endured in my life. I want more time to be able to prove to her, through actions instead of words, that she can trust me and love me again.

So I guess my question is, should I tell her about my feelings? Do I let her go see this guy and possibly have sex and begin a relationship (albeit long-distance) with him? I am hurting so badly...I am dearly in love with this woman and feel ashamed that I was such an ******* to her for so long.

I just don't know what to do, and I need some advice on how to deal with this.

Eric


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## manilikefuff (Nov 17, 2010)

Maybe write to her? I know that might sound silly, but I dont know if you ever did it at the beguinning of the relationship but me & my partner used to leave eachother notes lying around.. If you write her a letter then its not you suffocating her, She's reading it because she wants to, Though a few suggestions, Mention things about what you can do with your future together, (Fun things, short and sweet, dont try and make it sound as mushy as you can cause then she may feel like you're just trying to bribe her) .. Maybe dont mention times from the past, she wont need to be reminded of how you treated her, she'll just need to know how you're going to change and that you're starting to feel better (Dont say anything like if she goes itl make you feel worse, she'll feel like you're guiting her to stay) .. Maybe mention 'Sorry' once in the letter so she knows thats you know you were in the wrong, But just dont drag it out.. Plus if its in a letter and she still decides to go on this date, she may get the same feeling you did, That it just didnt feel right, and while she's there she has the letter to remind her of you.

I hope it works out for you and If you do get another chance then the best of luck to you


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So you're "separated", but living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, and still having sex regularly... I think I can see how this can cause some confusion.

If she's already feeling smothered and controlled, I don't think telling her more about how you're feeling is going to make things better. It sounds like you've made it clear that you want to salvage things if you can already. It doesn't seem putting more pressure on her will help.

If she doesn't want to reconcile (which is what she is indicating with her actions, and at least she's up front with you on that), it seems the best solution is for you to actually separate from her and start getting on with your life, in my humble opinion. Not just saying you're separated, but actually separating. No more sex, not even sleeping in the same bed if possible, etc. I know that's not always possible due to finances or other reasons, though. Well, the no more sex thing should be doable regardless of other reasons. Just seems that she's got the best of both situations, the way things are now. So why should she make a choice one way or the other? This could just be my current cynical attitude, though.

C


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