# How to lurk OW on FB when she is private?



## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

I have never seen the OW and I feel like I need to I'm not sure why. I think it would help if she is not that good looking - although I know its not about their looks its about how they make the WS feel.

Any suggestions on how to lurk her FB? I may be able to prove something from her timeline i don't know. She is set to private. I don't want to use my husbands account cuz he never uses it -essentially nothing on it. 

Anyone have any ideas?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

If you can't get her to somehow friend an account you make up, you are going to have to use your H's account. Does he check the history or something?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Is your H friends with her on FB? 

Is her friends list public?


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

My H doesn't use his FB there is nothing on it and I wouldn't want her or him to know what i'm doing- I have no proof of the EA/PA but just suspect it. I am trying to lay low after accusing him when I didn't have anything concrete.

When I lurked her before I accused my H -she was public, but had only one old pic from 7 years ago and had no activity in 7 years. She had a few friends listed and public . After I confronted him and showed him her FB- as proof she was not obese and unattractive- he said it wasn't her and if it was it didn't look even remotely like her. (It wasn't a good pic but did show she wasn't what he said she was. ) The only way i could prove to him that it was her was it listed her job title.

Low and behold after the confrontation she changed her FB profile pic and deleted her work title. Shortly after that she made everything private and started posting pictures and collecting friends. I suspect he told her that I lurked her after my accusation.


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

How do you make up one? wouldn't it be obviously new? and send up a red flag?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Girl, you are making some bad calls on confronting him cold. 

Have you done more homework since then?

That is exactly what happened with her settings BTW.

She won't know if you log in to your H's account to look at her profile as long as you don't post anything from him. Not from what I know anyway, I'm not a big FB person.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

I don't get it...what's the point?

If you don't trust your husband, then you don't trust your husband and you need to take action on that.

What's the point of cyber stalking some woman?

This seems really mentally unhealthy and unstable to me.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

kristin2349 said:


> Girl, you are making some bad calls on confronting him cold.
> 
> Have you done more homework since then?
> 
> ...


That is true as long as he's not signed into the chat feature and she sees him online.


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

H is not on her friends list- he has an account but never has used it- he is not a FB person.

Unfortunately I confronted him before I came on this site. I have a VAR in one car and i'm getting one for the other car. I am laying low as I know i made a mistake. 

I think most people who suspect but don't have concrete proof start looking for evidence anywhere they might find it. That includes a lot of obsessive sleuthing. I can't imagine that any of that is good for anyones mental health. Certainly not mine. But I need to find out. 

On the surface H and I are working through MC to improve the marriage and correct the things that led to me thinking something was up. Everything appears so much better in the way we act towards each other. I need to know if this is real though….(then yahoo I am the luckiest girl in the world) if it is not and he has her on the side I need to know that to. I don't want a false R


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

NJ, if you can see her friends list, click on some of the friends profiles. Specifically any with the same last name as her. Maybe some of their profiles will be more public and maybe, just maybe, you can see a pic of her on their profiles.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Put a keylogger on the computer that your husband uses. That way you may find that he visits other social media sites that she's on. She may be on LinkedIn and also with a photo.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Send me her name and FB page.....I'll find a photo of her! I'm good at it!


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Send me her name and FB page.....I'll find a photo of her! I'm good at it!


I don't think it's helpful to aide the OP in her unhealthy obsession with the OW. 

She needs to focus on dealing with her cheating hubby not the random hole he decided to stick it in.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

If you have chrome or Firefox browsers they have incognito browsing. They also store passwords (if the option has been used) in the settings, passwords, advanced, show password (chrome).

It's how I caught my WS, using his Facebook for evidence. Facebook also allows you to download an archive of all activity.

Use his with incognito if it is available to you to use.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

OK, if your husband isn't friends with her, then why would his account give you any more access than your own account?


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> I don't think it's helpful to aide the OP in her unhealthy obsession with the OW.
> 
> She needs to focus on dealing with her cheating hubby not the random hole he decided to stick it in.


Although this comment is crass it's true. The OW owes you nothing and she didn't betray you. She doesn't know you. Your husband is the one harming you and you need to deal with him.


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## truster (Jul 23, 2015)

NextTimeAround said:


> Put a keylogger on the computer that your husband uses. That way you may find that he visits other social media sites that she's on. She may be on LinkedIn and also with a photo.


Don't do this. It's not legal, and anything you find is not admissible in court. Doing this also keeps you from letting an official PI use the info on the computer in court.

You can engage a tech-savvy forensic PI who can grab a clone of your H's computer when he's not around. Anything he finds *can* be used in court (double check this w/ a lawyer first, it may depend on state, also the lawyer will know a reputable PI).

Of course, what's admissible in court only matters if you're in a state where adultery matters, but also you want to protect yourself legally. A cheating spouse can lash out with whatever they have to hurt you.


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## Dycedarg (Apr 17, 2014)

You are entitled to your own decisions, but my recommendation would be to leave it alone. In the end it probably won't give you whatever peace you're looking for unfortunately. 

The much bigger issue is your husband.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I am in agreement that the husband cheated, however, this is a co-worker if his and more then likely knew he was married. I considered my wife's affair an invasion of my marriage. The OM was the enemy and even though my wife accepted his advances, OM knew she was married. That deserves consequences from me however I see fit. If I want to publicly mess with him on Facebook that's my right, it's social media meaning it public domain. As long as I don't lie I'm fine.

I'm tired of seeing people say they weren't your spouse they owe you nothing. They do owe me something, they need to go date single people and understand that married means off the market. My wife needs to learn this too, if OMW decides to mess with my wife so be it. But I hate when people say the OM/OW owe you nothing, they aren't innocent either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Do you know where and when she graduated high school or college?

Create a new email account, make up a fake name and copy and paste a handful of random pics into your profile and say you graduated from XXX school in 19xx. (Or 20xx - I'm old)

Friend request a bunch of folks from that class. Not her right away. Wait until you get a handful of "classmates" to friend you. 

Also join some random groups (knitting, cooking, music - harmless stuff) and friend request those folks to get your friend numbers up.

At the end of the day you may see what she looks like. Don't expect pics of her with your hubby, if that is what you are expecting. And problem is with hubby and your trust with him.

This can also similarly be done in LinkedIn.

Not that I would EVER do anything like this...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Heatherknows said:


> Although this comment is crass it's true. *The OW owes you nothing and she didn't betray you*. She doesn't know you. Your husband is the one harming you and you need to deal with him.


Her husband is primarily responsible but he had an accomplice. If she knew he was married she should be prepared for the fallout. Messing in another persons marriage is risky, she is lucky the only thing the OP is talking about is checking out her FB page.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

kristin2349 said:


> Her husband is primarily responsible but he had an accomplice. If she knew he was married she should be prepared for the fallout. Messing in another persons marriage is risky, she is lucky the only thing the OP is talking about is checking out her FB page.


True enough. You cross a woman with a bad temper...YIKES


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

nursejackie said:


> I have never seen the OW and I feel like I need to I'm not sure why. I think it would help if she is not that good looking - although I know its not about their looks its about how they make the WS feel.
> 
> Any suggestions on how to lurk her FB? I may be able to prove something from her timeline i don't know. She is set to private. I don't want to use my husbands account cuz he never uses it -essentially nothing on it.
> 
> Anyone have any ideas?


My wife's OM was older than me and looked less than handsome! 

Somehow, that didn't help me, much! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

nursejackie said:


> My H doesn't use his FB there is nothing on it and I wouldn't want her or him to know what i'm doing- I have no proof of the EA/PA but just suspect it. I am trying to lay low after accusing him when I didn't have anything concrete.
> 
> When I lurked her before I accused my H -she was public, but had only one old pic from 7 years ago and had no activity in 7 years. She had a few friends listed and public . After I confronted him and showed him her FB- as proof she was not obese and unattractive- he said it wasn't her and if it was it didn't look even remotely like her. (It wasn't a good pic but did show she wasn't what he said she was. ) The only way i could prove to him that it was her was it listed her job title.
> 
> Low and behold after the confrontation she changed her FB profile pic and deleted her work title. Shortly after that she made everything private and started posting pictures and collecting friends. I suspect he told her that I lurked her after my accusation.


This only stands to verify that something is definately going on. Forget the Facebook stalking.

Its time to play dumb wife, apologise for the false accusation, and drop the matter around him.

After apologising you purchase a VAR install the best batteries money can buy so you get about 3 - 4 days recording and you do this ASAP, hide it in his car then collect the VAR and listen to the evidence.

Chances are he will speak in the car to her, and more likely gloat how he even got an apology from you.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Do people really accept FB friend requests from people they don't know? I wouldn't care if someone claimed to have gone to high school with me and we shared a dozen "mutual FB friends." I wouldn't care if they were friends with my brother, my cousins, my aunts, or my best friend. If you were/are not my friend IRL, you're not my friend on FB, either. That's not to say that I don't have a small percentage of FB friends whom I've only "met" online, some of them from right here on TAM, as well as two other forums that I'm a member of, but just being a "friend of a friend" doesn't automatically mean that you are my friend, as well. 

Guard your privacy folks. There are scary people out there. Don't give them an open window and a pair of binoculars with which to stalk you. (This is not directed towards the OP, I can sympathize with her desire to know as much as possible about the possible OW.) I just can't imagine that it would be very easy to view someone's Facebook if they had even some basic privacy settings in place. 

THIS coming from a fWS. Just to be clear, I'm not suggesting that a lack of FB privacy had anything to do with my A. It did not. I was a privacy freak on FB long before my A ever began.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Can you loiter outside her work and get a look? Do you know where she lives? 

I completely understand the needing to know. There's a name out there that has come between you and your husband. It must be infuriating to not be able to put a face to it. If you don't know who she is, how will you know if she's near you again?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

EI said:


> Do people really accept FB friend requests from people they don't know? I wouldn't care if someone claimed to have gone to high school with me and we shared a dozen "mutual FB friends." I wouldn't care if they were friends with my brother, my cousins, my aunts, or my best friend. If you're were/are not my friend IRL, you're not my friend on FB, either. That's not to say that I don't have a small percentage of FB friends whom I've only "met" online, some of them from right here on TAM, as well as two other forums that I'm a member of, but just being a "friend of a friend" doesn't automatically mean that you are my friend, as well.
> 
> Guard your privacy folks. There are scary people out there. Don't give them an open window and a pair of binoculars with which to stalk you. (This is not directed towards the OP, I can sympathize with her desire to know as much as possible about the possible OW.) I just can't imagine that it would be very easy to view someone's Facebook if they had even some basic privacy settings in place.
> 
> THIS coming from a fWS. Just to be clear, I'm not suggesting that a lack of FB privacy had anything to do with my A. It did not. I was a privacy freak on FB long before my A ever began.




That explains why I got denied my friend request with both you and your husband. Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

drifting on said:


> That explains why I got denied my friend request with both you and your husband. Lol
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're silly! :smile2: You never sent either one of us a friend request, and you could have, you know our names.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

@EI

Yes, people do accept friend requests from strangers. Especially depending on the generation. Those folks can't really know 1500+ people can they 

A certain ex-co-worker of my wife accepted a LinkedIn request from a fake profit I set up, with no mutual contacts. 

Granted he wasn't very bright. But yes you are correct- in general never accept a stranger's friend request. But stupid is as stupid does.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Understand, for some people, knowing what the AP looks like is needed for them to to heal. For others, it will hurt them. Just like some people need all details, then digest them and can heal. Others the details kill them. 

NJ may be a details person.

My wife's EA bothers me in part because he is a half literate inbred hillbilly. I would have been slightly better if he had been a doctor. For others, its the other way around.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

A couple of things - 

Using Facebook while incognito on your browser will still keep a facebook history. All incognito browsing does is not keep a history of the sites you've visited.

So for example, if you log in under your husbands account, while using incognito browsing, and then proceed to search for this woman, that search will still be visible to him, if he ever checks it.

Second, setting up a fake FB profile in order to befriend somebody like this will likely not work, and it'll probably take you weeks, or even months, to build up this profile to where it's even remotely legitimate looking. And THEN you have to hope she's not too bright, and accepts your friend request in the first place. It's also sneaky and kind of creepy, but that's my opinion.

That said, if you insist on doing something along those lines, LinkedIn is the way to go. LinkedIn is not quite like Facebook, in that people DO accept requests from strangers and people they don't know very well. You don't require a whole lot (if any) photos, nor really 200 contacts, either. The point of LinkedIn is to create business contacts, so people generally aren't as leery of strangers requesting a link.

However, LinkedIn would likely only give you any information you already know, and a whole lot of useless info. Most people I know have the one profile picture (and many of my contacts don't even have any).

So, Facebook. If you can log in with your husband's account, then go for it. As long as you don't play around with anything, he'll never know. If you don't know his login/password, that's a whole 'nother story right there... (you should).

Lastly - you said when you once accessed this woman's page, it had an old picture, and no activity for some 7 years or so. That doesn't mean she wasn't active during that time. She probably was. What that DOES indicate is that was the time she changed her settings to private. At one point, Facebook did not have the ability to backdate privacy settings. So if everything was public, and you changed your profile to private, it did so from that point on. Everything previously there remained public. You had to go through each post/picture yourself and manually change each to private. I don't believe this is the case any more, and changing from public to private will include everything.

So with this woman, that is very likely the case - she was active during those 7 years, just that it wasn't visible to you, or anybody else who wasn't her friend.

BTW, your confronting your husband when you did, and her subsequent changing of her profile picture and job information is no coincidence, obviously. You have at least good proof that they were in contact, anyway, even it's deniable or circumstantial.

My advice? Log in to his Facebook account when he's not around and have a look. Remember that messages can be deleted entirely, never to be seen again, but also that one can "archive" certain conversations (separate folder within the messages area).

One interesting aspect of FB messaging is that both sides need to delete messages in order to completely remove all trace of them. So for example, if he deleted any messages sent from this woman, they will all actually show up again if she resumes the same conversation. The only way to remove all traces of FB messages is for both parties to delete the same conversation. Or, in another case, if your husband and this woman removed each other as friends, it still won't actually delete messages. Instead, the messages will remain, but instead of her name, it will say "Facebook user". Or, if she removed him as a friend AND blocked him, then only HIS messages will remain - one side of the conversation. For messages to be deleted entirely, both sides need to essentially do the same thing. If one side does not, then they still remain, provided it is his side that didn't.

What I'm getting at is that FB is not as easy as one would think to remove all traces of surreptitious behaviour. One has to be incredibly thorough to do so, and often one or two things get over looked.

Lastly, FB messages can be searched easily. It will pick up keywords, and will sort through all messages in the inbox that contain these keywords. So a good start would be to search for her first name, and you'll be able to see every instance her name was used in a conversation. Repeat with words like "honey" or "wife" or "sexy" or anything else relevant that he might be using.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I think stalking the OW is unhealthy. But if you just have a need to see a photo of her then it may be ok, if that really is all it is.

If you want to use FB, try sending friend requests to people she likely is already fb friends with. Many people set their privacy to "Friends of Friends", so if OW is friends with Jane, and you become friends with Jane, you can see any photos or posts on Jane's page which include OW. For example, OW and Jane are together in a photo which one of them posted (or even another person posted and tagged them in). That photo will appear on Jane's fb somewhere, either on her timeline or in her photos. You can see it as Jane's friend. Thus you can see OW in the photo.

You can get an Activity Log from your husband's FB. Log in to his account then click on the little down arrow at the very top right. Select "Activity Log". Now you can see everything he's done on FB. Look down the left side and select "Photos" to see which pictures and videos he's looked at.

Next, go back to that arrow on the top right, then move left one spot. There's a little padlock looking symbol, click that. Now click on "See More Settings" in the pulldown menu, and then click on "General" on the left side of the screen. On this page look for "Download a copy of your FaceBook Data" in the middle of the page. With this option they will send to his email a complete data dump including all messages of his FB activity. You need access to his email to intercept it.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Alternatively you could hire someone to take a photo of her as she comes out of her home or work.


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