# Advice please



## usernameXX (Jun 11, 2013)

I feel like a jerk. I have been married 8 years with no kids and have little-to-no physical attraction towards my wife. Emotionally, I love her to death. 

Over the years, she has gained weight and is about 100 pounds heavier than when we got married. At home we eat well and I just don't see where the extra weight comes from. She does not exercise and I try get her off the computer/couch to be active. I am very active and do most of the household chores. She cooks and spends all her time on the computer in front of the TV. Two years ago we did a couch-to-5k program, her idea, and we really enjoyed it. After the race, she was disappointed and running was over. I would try to get her motivated to continue, but no success. Since, there have been a few weight-loss programs she has joined and quit. Recently we started another couch-to-5k program and are NOT enjoying it. I believe I am the problem because she is so far from where she was a couple years ago. I am getting frustrated with her and vice versa.

When it comes to sex, what sex? I am the problem because I do not have a physical attraction towards her...quite the opposite. I am just not interested and feel terrible about this. Plus, it is complicating everything else. We want to have kids, but there are many things I'm worried about. Currently, she is at high risk for heart disease and diabetes as both run in her family. 

How do we move forward? Do I just suck it up and have sex? I’m nervous that kids with amplify all our problems.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

If you're doing all the chores and letting her veg out in front of the TV, stop that. She should be doing her fair share.

Also, do your own exercise program and invite her along. Every day/night, when you leave to run, or walk, or whatever, invite her along just to spend some time together. Don't even make it about exercising. Make it about spending time together while you're, incidentally, exercising.

And don't have kids. Kids never fix anything.


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## nothingtodeclare (Apr 13, 2013)

Wow, 100 extra lbs. Give it to her straight. The weight is killing your relationship and she needs to hear this in a non-fluffy way. Doctor, IC, diet, exercise, getting off her butt, she needs to do it all yesterday. As for sex, give it if you can, but...


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

Has she had her thyroid checked?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## usernameXX (Jun 11, 2013)

Yes, she had her thyroid checked about a month ago. I felt like she was so excited to find out it wasn't her fault...then everything came back normal.


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

Perhaps she is addicted to social media...
Hopefully you can communicate your concerns about how this affects your life. I was watching tv late at night in our hotel room one time and saw an MTV episode about this problem in women. You hear a lot about porn addiction in men, but not as much about facecrack addiction in women. My husband has complained to me a couple of times about always being on my android....I noted that three comments means I'd better check myself.

Each time you get a "like", you get a dopamine shot.

Wife needs to ween off of the electronics. Go camping!


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

Perhaps this might help, too:
The genius of apathy and boredom « Karla McLaren


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

People always talk about exercise. Exercise is fine, but exercising is not going to help you lose 100 pounds. It can help a little and can help maintain your weight, but to lose weight you need to change what you eat. You can run 3 miles and eat back what you lost with some cheese and crackers. Your wife is eating when you are not seeing her eat. 

She has to want to change. I would not want to hear from my husband that he was not attracted me to anymore, but I guess I'd want to hear that more than if he was leaving. At 100 pounds overweight she is probably a candidate for weight loss surgery or a lap band if she wants to go that route. 

It stinks. And your wife probably feels really bad about herself. But she has to do it for herself. It's so hard---she has to really want to make the changes.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Wow, you sound like me and your wife sounds like my wife, only difference is my wife works full time.

Since she is home a lot, tell her to lose the weight and that you don't find her sexy anymore and that she has to do something. 100 lbs is a lot of fat weight and she is obese.

For her to lose the weight, she has to want to do this. Otherwise, she will get even bigger and bigger and bigger.......could you look at her naked and say, hmmmmm, yummy?

She is comfy and there isn't much you can do, besides threaten her with divorce papers.

As your wife, she is supposed to take care of her body and your needs and vise verse, not have a very low sex drive and obese.


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

"APATHY & BOREDOM: The Mask for Anger

GIFTS: Detachment ~ Boundary-setting ~ Separation ~ Taking a time-out

ACTION REQUIRED: Apathy is a protective mask for anger, and it arises in situations where you cannot or should not (probably) express your anger openly. Apathy can give you an excellent time out, as long as you don’t let it take you completely out of commission. The questions for apathy will often unmask your legitimate anger (and other emotions), so be ready to work with those subsequent emotions as well.

THE INTERNAL QUESTIONS: What is being avoided? What must be made conscious?"


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> Wow, you sound like me and your wife sounds like my wife, only difference is my wife works full time.
> 
> Since she is home a lot, tell her to lose the weight and that you don't find her sexy anymore and that she has to do something. 100 lbs is a lot of fat weight and she is obese.
> 
> ...


Instead of forcing her, encourage to go with you - even walking every day will do the job.

Encourage her to go to the gym with you or a group...


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

salamander said:


> "APATHY & BOREDOM: The Mask for Anger
> 
> GIFTS: Detachment ~ Boundary-setting ~ Separation ~ Taking a time-out
> 
> ...


I dislike most self-help booksas 1-size fits all remedies. We also have no idea why she has packed on 100 Lbs. Its a little short sighted to start blurting out prescriptions perhaps? Seems so to me anyway.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

do NOT have kids with her, yet, until you find happiness with her again. it doesn't sound like she works. does she? if not, why not? are you unconsciously enabling her to be a computer zombie? why are you working, she stays at home on the computer, and you're doing the housework? what is she doing to contribute to the home and the marriage? as difficult as it is to say, you need to let her know that the marriage is in danger. you have good reason to be concerned about her weight, not just because of your non-existent sex life, but for health reasons, and there's no way she can chase around little kids. you'll be working full time AND working full time when you get home because your wife will be physically exhausted from her day with the kids.

let her know that you are so concerned about her health and the marriage, that kids are off the table and the marriage is in danger, until she gets her act together, gets a job, and starts showing you that she loves herself and loses weight.


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

anotherguy said:


> I dislike most self-help booksas 1-size fits all remedies. We also have no idea why she has packed on 100 Lbs. Its a little short sighted to start blurting out prescriptions perhaps? Seems so to me anyway.


It's not a "prescription", it's a description of what the emotion "apathy" signals. When a person experiences the emotion of apathy or boredom and exhibits that by sitting around watching tv or fb'ing all day and eating snacks, can't be bothered to attend to loved ones' emotional cues, complains of being tired all the time, one would call that "apathetic", yes?

Once a person becomes aware of their body state and its flatline "nom nom nom distraction grrrr" rut, and can harness the prefrontal cortex to go "oh, I'm feeling apathy", that initiates an emotional-cognitive pairing of strength.

Apathy is awesome! I neglected to reiterate the link with the quote. here's the link again for the "Gifts of Apathy" quotation above. The genius of apathy and boredom « Karla McLaren

Best wishes.


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

Apathy joke:

Reporter: "Can you tell us why the younger generation is ignorant and apathetic?"

Senator: "I don't know, and I don't care."


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