# Why is changing behavior so hard to do?



## James Anthony (Apr 8, 2009)

I could write a novel about all the issues pertaining to my wife and I's relationship, but I'll try to keep it simple. Her big issue with me is that I don't communicate with her, put her second to other things, and don't treat her as an equal in the relationship.

For months now, we have had on an off fights and blowups, and the common theme is my behavior. I make promises to change, and might do nice things for a few days, a week tops, but then I feel like "life" takes over again and I slip back. 

I know you have to want to change behavior in order to change it, and I honestly feel that I do want this to work. I am not a person who expects to be asked about my day and how I feel, etc. Perhaps because I don't expect it, that leads me to not be inclined to ask myself. 

I guess what I am looking for is what methods have others found helpful in keeping focused on things, and relaxing enough to take the time out of each day to honor and respect the person we married?


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Can you explain?

what are the nice things you do? 

"Life takes over" what does that mean? what happens? 

"I slip back" 

What do you do when you slip back? 


"I make promises to change, and might do nice things for a few days, a week tops, but then I feel like "life" takes over again and I slip back."


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## jdskr88 (Aug 11, 2009)

Dear James Anthony:

I struggle with this too. I'll get a good stretch going and then give in to old habits. And then I feel like I'm right back at step one. If it gets really bad, I stop tryin because I figure I'll just mess up again. DON"T DO THAT. What you need to look at is the habits and habits can change but it takes work. You said "I know you have to want to change behavior in order to change it" that's only partly true, yes you have to be committed to the change but you don't have to wait until you "feel" like it to do the right behavior.

I find it helpful to apply the AA method of fake it until you make it, meaning do the right behaviors even if you don't feel like it or you don't feel sincere about it. Practice and discipline lead to changed habits and it will come more naturally in the future.

I go so far as to make a to-do-for-my-wife list, each day if necessary. It can include some things you are going to say (or not say) or things you are going to do (or not do) that day. Then, repeat the next day, etc.

Try to find a friend who struggles with the same thing and keep one anohter accountable. Coach and encourage one anohter.

When you screw up, apologize quickly and get right back to it.

When you're out of shape and you try to run a mile it can make you puke. But the more you run, the easier it gets until it actually starts to feel good, your endurance gets stronger and your life gets better. Same with marriage.

Don't fall for the lie that it feels hypocritical (that is, doing something you don't feel sincere about) That's crap. Love is work not a feeling.

That's it man. No magic bullet just good old fashioned work my friend. Good Luck


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Here is one small suggestion. Get a watch with an "interval timer" and set it for 2 intervals--say, 1.5 hours and 1 hour. when it goes off the first time, give your wife a hug or compliment; when it goes off the second time (1 hour later), devote 15 minutes and go to her to say, "So, how did your day go? How did you feel about things today?" or something like that. What you do and say each time isn't the point--it's paying attention to her on a regular basis. The watch will continue to go off at the scheduled intervals (and the beep can be very discrete if you look for a decent one), so you will be approaching her 3-4 times easily in an evening and a lot more on weekends. Even if you are doing something with her already, make a point of initiating communication and/or saying or doing things that show you value her: "I feel so good spending this time with you." If nothing else, the watch will help you remember--and the rest, the ideas of what to do/say, will be sincerely YOURS. If she figures it out and gets upset, tell her that you think these things all the time but never remember to do or say them (if that is true) and the watch helps you remember. I know I have passing thoughts all the time about people who are important to me, but I so rarely remember to say them when with those people b/c we are busy doing something! 

Just an idea!


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## shelleyv (Aug 13, 2009)

You can only change your behaviour if you change your thoughts. have you ever read the book "men are from mars, woman are from venus?" (or the other way round - cant remember now). Its a really good book. You have to understand woman better to be able to make them happy. We are not like you. Hell, if we were, wouldnt life be so boring? Why did you get married in the first place? Woman need more. Its just a fact. The sad part is if we dont get it we will leave - eventually.


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

Dont read the book. If you have a copy in the house just bring it out back and burn it along with the love dare and the 5lol. It will just make you more confused and start the process of you bowing and scraping for what you want, instead of demanding it. If your not getting it now, it wont help you. Just make you more sissified.



John


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Why is changing behavior so difficult? Well, try changing your breathing pattern! 

It's built into you, it's who you are! Yes, some things can be changed, but the fundamental you won't. 

You are who you are...and not someone/something else. 

Can you be better for someone? Sure! Can you sustain it? Maybe. It depends on the lifetime commitment to that end.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

NothingMan said:


> Dont read the book. If you have a copy in the house just bring it out back and burn it along with the love dare and the 5lol. It will just make you more confused and start the process of you bowing and scraping for what you want, instead of demanding it. If your not getting it now, it wont help you. Just make you more sissified.


YESSSSSSSSS! I completely agree.




dcrim said:


> Why is changing behavior so difficult? Well, try changing your breathing pattern!
> 
> It's built into you, it's who you are! Yes, some things can be changed, but the fundamental you won't.
> 
> You are who you are...and not someone/something else.


I was hoping someone would mention this. The Corporate America performance review is famous for NOT recognizing the fact that you are who you are.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

This is something I am battling.. I see a growing trend and its like we all have the same problems.. We all do the same things in marriages but to different degrees. As guys we take charge and overbear our wives and try to fix everything. Yet not treating them as equal degrades them. It isn't easy for us to change. I asked the counselor to give me specific tasks to correct what I am doing. Like being to critical on my wife. I am reading the love dare to keep me focused on the good words. I am hoping between the 2 I can change my behavior in time. This will hopefully show my wife the changes I am making are permanent. Which is why she isn't back with me cause she says the new mikie shows his face now but when she returns the old comes back. I will have to keep proving I guess.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Loving Husband said:


> This is something I am battling.. I see a growing trend and its like we all have the same problems.. We all do the same things in marriages but to different degrees. As guys we take charge and overbear our wives and try to fix everything. Yet not treating them as equal degrades them. It isn't easy for us to change. I asked the counselor to give me specific tasks to correct what I am doing. Like being to critical on my wife. I am reading the love dare to keep me focused on the good words. I am hoping between the 2 I can change my behavior in time. This will hopefully show my wife the changes I am making are permanent. Which is why she isn't back with me cause she says the new mikie shows his face now but when she returns the old comes back. I will have to keep proving I guess.


And what is your wife working on?


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

in the MC sessions she says she is working on her issues. Though I do not know if she is really or going through the motions. I don't feel her HEART is in it. It's more like a chore. All I know is I can't change her and I can't force her to fix her issues but if I can be a better man I would have improved myself for her or somebody else if that happens. I need to get control of my life and emotions and I think between teh book and MC I hopefully can. I pray she does too.. Though I have little doubt as she has very little faith..


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

sisters359 said:


> Here is one small suggestion. Get a watch with an "interval timer" and set it for 2 intervals--say, 1.5 hours and 1 hour. when it goes off the first time, give your wife a hug or compliment; when it goes off the second time (1 hour later), devote 15 minutes and go to her to say, "So, how did your day go? How did you feel about things today?" or something like that. What you do and say each time isn't the point--it's paying attention to her on a regular basis. The watch will continue to go off at the scheduled intervals (and the beep can be very discrete if you look for a decent one), so you will be approaching her 3-4 times easily in an evening and a lot more on weekends. Even if you are doing something with her already, make a point of initiating communication and/or saying or doing things that show you value her: "I feel so good spending this time with you." If nothing else, the watch will help you remember--and the rest, the ideas of what to do/say, will be sincerely YOURS. If she figures it out and gets upset, tell her that you think these things all the time but never remember to do or say them (if that is true) and the watch helps you remember. I know I have passing thoughts all the time about people who are important to me, but I so rarely remember to say them when with those people b/c we are busy doing something!
> 
> Just an idea!



That is such a great idea man, 
Us men seem to become to comfortable with life and start to neglect the person we married. I make it a thing to tell my wife she is pretty or beautiful AT LEAST once a day, you've got no idea of the power of these words to a woman. 

Its like having to punch in the codes for unlimited health on Grand Theft Auto after you've nearly been blown up.

Also buy them flowers at least once a month. They love that $hit!


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