# Finally a glimmer of hope



## HangingOntoHope

I posted about a week ago in the going through separation and divorce forum about the troubles of my wife distancing herself. Having feelings for another guy and the loss of the spark in the relationship. Yesterday we finally had a heart to heart talk about our problems, our mistakes and the overall health of our marriage (5 years next week). Towards the end of our talk my wife told me that she feels like there might be home for our marriage. She asked me on a date tomorrow night. She wants to see if we can find that spark that has been missing for so long. I was hoping anyone might have any ideas or thoughts that I could do to bring back what we once had so intensly. My problem has never been loving my wife, my problem is showing it in a way that she feels is.


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## xMadame

HangingOntoHope said:


> I posted about a week ago in the going through separation and divorce forum about the troubles of my wife distancing herself. Having feelings for another guy and the loss of the spark in the relationship. Yesterday we finally had a heart to heart talk about our problems, our mistakes and the overall health of our marriage (5 years next week). Towards the end of our talk my wife told me that she feels like there might be home for our marriage. She asked me on a date tomorrow night. She wants to see if we can find that spark that has been missing for so long. I was hoping anyone might have any ideas or thoughts that I could do to bring back what we once had so intensly. My problem has never been loving my wife, my problem is showing it in a way that she feels is.




Be romantic. She asked you out, make sure you have a back up plan on where to eat and what to do if she doesnt already have one planned out and you pay for it. Be a gentleman and affectionate and listen to her. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## HangingOntoHope

We already agreed that it will not be a romantic date. We need to re-establish that friendship and truly find the little things we miss. I was thinking of literally treating this like a first date. Being quirky, introducing myself like the first time. And just simply enjoying eachothers company.


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## Evinrude58

I think it's a bad idea and you're just delaying things.
She had an affair. 
She must have broke up with the AP and needs you as her security blanket.

You're going to try to fix this all on her terms.
It's going to blow up in your face and she's going to treat you like poo and give you zero sex and string you along until the next wallet comes along.

You're giving this person free rein to use and abuse you and break your heart and possibly ruin your sanity.

If you're going to date, date someone who hasn't proven they are willing to step out on you with another man.

But I know you're not going to listen. You're too emotionally dependent on her.
JMO


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## Marc878

You're in denial. You didn't force her to go spread her legs for her other man.

She did that all on her own and if she's still seeing him you are wasting your time.


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## arbitrator

*Beware the "Plan B" paradigm!

After what she put you through in sleeping with the other dude, exactly why would you now be so willing to acquiesce to "sloppy seconds?"*


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## Evinrude58

OP's words in first thread:
"When she got there, we fought, then things were revealed. She admitted to being unfaithful with one of the people that was at the house. She admitted that she was unfaithful when we lived in Colorado. She admitted that she had also kissed another guy but that was it. I was devastated, but in the back of my mind, I already knew. I just wanted her to be honest".

OP, your wife has ADMITTED to cheating on you 3 times in different cities.
She is by definition a serial cheater.

You are clearly hung up on her and allowing her to rule your life. For your own sake, you need to summon the strength to break free of her. 

Stop blaming yourself for your failed marriage.

You are at an age where you need to be working hard and building financial security. Your wife should have been supportive of this.
I'm sure you are not perfect. But you are not the cause of your wife's infidelity. She could have divorced you, moved back home, and found another guy anytime she wanted to.
Instead, she cheated. You are willing to overlook the obvious just to save yourself the pain of having to move on.
I'm only warning you not to stay in this. Your wife should be an ex by now. She is strictly going to use you. Stop now. You don't have to support her while she looks for your replacement.

Think about it: she's already told you it's not a romantic date, you are already talking about "being friends again". You will let her friend zone you, use you, while she looks for the next Mr, Hangingonforhope. 

How long has your wife been gone and in the arms of another man? Why siddenly the change of heart?
They broke up, it's hard making ends meet alone. You've been hanging on too long.

I guess I'll be the downer that gives you the truth. You want to know the best way to deal with your non-romantic "date"? Don't go. Get a date with a woman worth your time.


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## Marc878

Google serial cheater. They don't stop and they have no remourse for their acts. 

Wake up


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## HangingOntoHope

There has been infidelity. At the end of the day. Call me weak, call me a doormat, I really don't care. You don't see her expressions when we talk, they haven't known her as long as I have. She offered the date because she wants to try as much as I do. It is a long road ahead. But she is also going to go see a counselor, she told me this today, to try and work through some of her problems and figure why she has done what she has done. The first date is just to be friends and to have fun (this was my idea btw). To laugh and enjoy the company of one another. Being friends with the one you love is the key to any lasting relationship. If all goes well (in which I make sure that will happen), we will go on our second date which will be more romantic. We have both agreed that if the spark is not there, then it's time to move on. Pretty simple really, what is 2 or 3 more weeks after 6 years. Seems like a small price to pay to give our son a chance at a loving family with both parents in the same house. I've never said anything about her cheating is ok in any sense, and if she was so unhappy she should have just left. But when I look back on our marriage, there are a lot of things I have done too. Just because I was the faithful one doesn't mean I didn't push her away in other ways. I wrote in a reply in my original post that mentioned I gave myself too much credit. There was no justifying her wrongs in that statement, it was literally me finally looking at my life, as a man rather than a boy, and realizing my mistakes are just as bad. I have neglected and ignored my wife for a very long time. Is it not easy to stray when you literally feel nothing from the other person? Again, I am not justifying what she has done... and this post wasn't for advice of don't do it. It was for thoughts and ideas to re kindle a spark in both of us. To RECONCILE. To find a way to move past. To not hold grudges from the past but to learn from it and create a better future. I don't know if that happens, and I'm not sitting here with the delusion that everything is going to work out. But I will remain hopeful that my wife and I can find a way to love eachothers as we once did.


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## Evinrude58

What you say sounds logical. I can see how much you're hoping it all works out. 
Your son to have both parents every day who love him---- priceless.
A cou Or if more weeks to see how things work out? Who could argue against that.

Facts:
1) it's going to break your heart again if things don't go well, and you'll be devastated.
2). If things go great and your serial cheating wife dies it yet again in 1-10 years, you e list that much more of your life you could be spending with a faithful woman and yet again, you're devastated.
3) you're taking the past all on yourself, thinking you can change you and everything will go great. But it doesn't work like that. You're going to get your hopes up and end up hurting worse.

How much did logic, love, loyalty and you changing yourself, do in the past when she was in her affair? It didn't do squat did it? 

I'm sorry. I'm skeptical. I'm looking at your relationship from the outside, you're looking at it with love/hope goggles. 
I hope I'm wrong and you get what you want. That's the truth. Lots of men would love to have another chance at a failed marriage to make things right. If you're both wanting to fix it, I think it's possible. But.........

Sir, she's got a track record of cheating. That is a huge character flaw and one that shouldn't be ignored. You haven't seen the last of troubles---they happen in EVERY relationship. If she falls for another man every time you have problems, that will not work.
People can waste their entire lives hoping a cheater will change if they only do x,y,z to make things better. 

So do what you think is best. I hope my thoughts are all wrong.  But the patterns in your relationship with THIS woman are likely to continue and as sad as it is, You ALONE are powerless to change that. I hope your wife is being truthful about wanting to change things with you.


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## happy as a clam

The spark is not there, nor will it be there again. Trust me.

As a woman, I can tell you once the spark is gone it's gone. And it ain't coming back.

She has checked out and slept with three other men. Sure, intellectually she may WANT to save the marriage (money, kid, stability, etc) but the reality is there probably isn't much left worth saving.

My prediction -- she has friend zoned you, and in the friend zone you shall stay.


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## Marc878

You're just making excuses to stay in denial of who she really is. How many affairs will it take for you to fully awaken to the facts?

No one here is going to sugar coat this.

You need a dose of reality badly.

If it were me I'd get to a dr and have std testing ran.


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## SunCMars

happy as a clam said:


> The spark is not there, nor will it be there again. Trust me.
> 
> As a woman, I can tell you once the spark is gone it's gone. And it ain't coming back.
> 
> She has checked out and slept with three other men. Sure, *intellectually she may WANT to save the marriage (money, kid, stability, etc) but the reality is there probably isn't much left worth saving.
> 
> My prediction -- she has friend zoned you, and in the friend zone you shall stay*.


I refuse to Clam up on this one. 

I trust Happy and I like Clams......Oh, Gawd don't let me......force me to dive for cover on this post.

This is a family show.

Clams are wonderful....things.
.............................................................................................
Yes, it seems. 
It is her Seams that leak pain, not double stitched. She has let out her seams, expanded her 'waste'. Not to include you. You are her last man standing.

So true, my male betrayed friend.

Your "SHE" has friend-zoned you. 

Your ring bearer has downgraded you to pal, buddy, man-friend. My child's Daddy.

Her lovers [all to date] were down-graded to GONE. You still live in her heart. Do not let your knees buckle. Stand steadfast and out wait her Wayward Storm.

Your skin is Hope-ful, not made in Canada, in that blasted year, 1964.

Listen not to @turnera nor to any women that tells you to bail. Rather, bale her out. Free her from her self destructive Bohemian tumbles.

But know this......you will share her foibles, her lower lipper slippages. If that is tolerable, and your patience be in the Image of Job, you will succeed in taming the shrew that is NOT her. But lives in her.

Your best bet in winning her over is time.... her bodily clock running downhill faster than her libido climbeth.

If you can turn your cheek when struck by her selfishness, then you will win in the end. Her end being plumper; having less cheating desire as time passes. 
.....................................................................................................................................................
I am a Man of All Season's.

You? You will be weathered by all her Seasons.

She will one day run out of eroding water. you will stand fast.

On your vows: "You said what you meant and you meant what said. You are true one hundred percent." *Hortense-Dr. Seuess.


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## Satya

Oh yeah, aren't you PRIVILEGED to date all over again to "know yourselves."

What a crock.

She sings a tune you're desperate to hear. Meanwhile she knows she can get away with what she's done with zero consequence.

She's playing you like a fiddle and you're tearing into that monster **** manwich.


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## BobSimmons

Don't get it.

Why exactly are you here?


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## GusPolinski

Poor guy.

You're going to be completely wrecked when it all comes tumbling down.


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## SunCMars

I am rolling over in my Death Dust, death throe.....reading this.
I flip-flop and concede to the other TAMsters. I cannot support 'Hanging Hope'. Never more. Gawd, no.

I am so hurt by her actions. Other actions told to me by a bird, a male Nightingale. He laid out his sorrows in a dreadful, dirthfull Tune. I listened to his words, not told here.
I cannot repeat those words because I cannot sing or whistle a hoot.
...............................................................................................................................................................
Sorry. I am steaming. A ghost with no water should not be able to steam. And yet I do.

She continues: wants to try out other guys, again. 
Forward, backwards. Atop, below...tn and out of her life. How crushing is that? !

She is so cruel. I cannot imagine another human being doing this to you. I do give her credit for her honesty. But not her humanity.
She knows you are dying inside, yet she continues.....YES THIS, playing with you. Loving the attention she is getting from MEN. You are now one of many. Not singular, not her chosen one.

And SHE IS choosing. She will try out quite a few before she settles. 

What are your chances? Beats me. 

Beating:

She beats you over your two heads. The big head and the little head. The other men get to insert their heads into your business. Both of them.
While she chooses with her coozes.

With your knowledge, minus your consent. CUNsent.

That lovely hot thing.

She has tasted the flesh of other men and it has intoxicated her.

Let her go. Let her do the begging....
For the sake of your Soul..
For the sake of your remaining dignity.

She knows where you stand.
You stand on high ground.
You stand on hallowed ground.
You stand on your Vows, to God and to her.

She needs to come to you on her knees, a-beggin.

If this happens, Oh, friend, I doubt this.
If this happen...strip her naked.

Strip her naked and sniff her, from feet to crown. Can you still smell her evil Volition's, evil selfish intent? Her selfish marital Violations?
Can you still smell the hint of, the remnants of other Cats, who soiled her wet sand box? Who lifted their legs on her. For their own pleasure...of course.

If no, to all. Then take back the heap that she is. And puff her back up. Make her a full women a full wife again.

Good luck. 

I fear. I fear no luck will save this sad tale of yours, or her sad tail. Her tale is now sticky from the head on collisions she is having with her loving [use-her minded] admirers. 

I love ya, Man. Let her go.

Do the 180. And stand on the nearest mountain. Scream your lungs out.

Your Highness, your Worthiness does not rub off on her. You know in your heart what does rub off on and in her.
God help men in your position.


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## turnera

If you're determined to do this, spend the date talking about your childhoods. It will help you get an idea of why she turned out the way she did - and if there's any hope for her to ever be a real, decent person. If there's abuse, rape, heavy neglect in her past...you probably don't have a prayer. Not without her going through a LOT lot lot of therapy.

If she's just selfish while she had a good childhood, you might be able to set high standards she'll have to meet (stop being selfish) or else you leave, and she might over time learn to care for others as much as she cares for herself. 

But you HAVE to be willing to walk away from the marriage, for either one of those to work. And she has to know you will walk away.


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## MJJEAN

So you're ok with turning a blind eye every time your "wife" sees a shiny new penis she wants to try out for a bit. Fine. If you want to stay under the circumstances there isn't anything anyone can do for you. The only person who can change your life is you and you aren't interested in doing that because it would involve accepting the reality that you're married to someone who isn't monogamous and isn't in love with you, but is willing to keep you around unless or until one of her AP's decides to keep her and she leaves for real.


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## SunCMars

@EllaSuaveterre

Is post #17 prose?

Or rude, crude.... gibbering madness?

Dear....unload on me, or loose the bonds that bind thee to your [erroneous] 'Smooth, Sophisticated Earth' Avatar.

On Earth, the Motherland:

Earth replete with sharp stones. Some flung at hapless heads, the body buried to the neck.

Earth filled with hollows, valleys, depressions.
Earth filled with warm, moist caves.
Earth filled with sharp poking Obelisks, pointed Participles and 'Articles of Confederation' that poke a women a certain intimate way.

Words hurt....or pleasure. 
Sometimes both, to a feminine leg that has fallen asleep. And is now getting stimulating blood flow.

Just Sayin'


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## SunCMars

turnera said:


> If you're determined to do this, spend the date talking about your childhoods. It will help you get an idea of why she turned out the way she did - and if there's any hope for her to ever be a real, decent person. If there's abuse, rape, heavy neglect in her past...you probably don't have a prayer. Not without her going through a LOT lot lot of therapy.
> 
> If she's just selfish while she had a good childhood, you might be able to set high standards she'll have to meet (stop being selfish) or else you leave, and she might over time learn to care for others as much as she cares for herself.
> 
> But you HAVE to be willing to walk away from the marriage, for either one of those to work. And she has to know you will walk away.


Again, my lovely.

I bend for thee. 

My back is old. Please, for the love of God, do not flip my flop. My Pride doeth hurt.

There was a day.
There was a day I would burn in Hell before Relent passed my loving lips.

I was evolving...before R.Q. stopped my tracks, now I am dust.


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## EllaSuaveterre

SunCMars said:


> @EllaSuaveterre
> 
> Is post #17 prose?
> 
> Or rude, crude.... gibbering madness?
> 
> '


It's definitely poetry. But don't feel bad about that. I didn't mean for my criticism to sting you. I don't mind your particular turn of phrase. It kind of reminds me of Shakespeare's Ophelia actually.


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## SunCMars

EllaSuaveterre said:


> It's definitely poetry. But don't feel bad about that. I didn't mean for my criticism to sting you. I don't mind your particular turn of phrase. It kind of reminds me of Shakespeare's Ophelia actually.


Thanks, Dear.

Kind words from an astute, yet, Fragile Lady.

Don't forget your vitamins.
Don't forget your protein shake.

We need you around...and visible.
Unlike divisible me.

Divested of form. On a kindly, generous forum...THIS. TAM


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## AVR1962

Taking back someone who has cheated on you is not an easy road. Emotionally you want her back but she has shared something so personal with someone else and as much as you would like to forgive and forget, it still happened. I forgave my husband thinking we could move on only for him to repeat his acts. I feel that once a person has cheated they basically have told you who they are and cannot be trusted. I hope this is not your situation if you decided to follow thru. It is not any easier the second time around.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Oh boy...another betrayed husband who suffers from 'nice guy syndrome.'

You can always tell the 'nice guy' posters - they're the ones who post a novella pouring their hearts out, and sure enough, the OP's first post a week ago was longer than War and Peace. Couldn't read the whole thing - my eyes started to bleed.

What we have here is your typical nice guy whose more than willing to absorb 100% of the responsibility for his serial cheating wife's nasty ass behavior. Not only is he willing to do that, but he'll take her back regardless of HOW many times she's completely disrespected him and betrayed him.

And instead of having some pride, dignity and self-respect and kicking her worthless ass to the curb, the OP is instead all excited about *auditioning *for the part of 'friend' with her on some lame 'date.' Furthermore, he's all excited about how to act and whether it would be cute and flirty to 'introduce himself' to her like one would do on a first date. I'm embarrassed FOR you, OP. I feel like I'm reading the diary of a 15 year old teenager with a schoolgirl crush on the school quarterback. Ugh...just SO damned unappealing.

Weak, needy men are about as unattractive as it gets.

Don't be *surprised* when you're frantically doing the "Pick Me" dance praying you'll win this 'prize' back - but she's too busy to notice because a confident, self-respecting man has come along and is showing her a little attention. 

Please, find your self respect.


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## ReturntoZero

And, here I'd been waiting in the other forum for your response.

Forum shopping is much like venue shopping for a friendly judge.

Did you read the link I sent you?

Did it ring any bells?

Doesn't sound like it - especially since you started this instead of working with the tools provided.


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