# Found H's old affairs long after - How do I move forward?



## JustMe321 (May 9, 2012)

Longtime Lurker. Not sure where to begin, so I'll just give the reader's digest version and see where I end up.

Been married going on 15 years, great kids, big house, the whole deal. 18 months ago I found out my H had cheated on me a long time ago. Twice. Two different 'women', two different time periods. First time was 10 years ago and the second time was 4 years ago. 

It's hard to describe what I went through those first few months after d-day. I've read a lot on here and I know that so many of you already know. It was horrible. Devastating. I consider myself to be a pretty strong woman and this just knocked me right off my feet. Just didn't see it. Never saw it coming. Had no idea when they were happening and looking back I still don't know what I missed. Our marriage has been far from perfect but I never doubted we loved each other. Never for a moment thought infidelity was even something to worry about. 

I checked out a lot of boards and read hundreds (probably thousands) of threads. Some a little too late to understand what I was going through at the time (i.e. hysterical bonding, all the stages from depression to anger, etc.)

We are still together. Since d-day he has been willing to offer up any information I want, although we did go through some TT crap originally. I still trigger occassionally but it is better than it was. There is no indication that he is cheating now (or that there were others, but I wouldn't swear to anything anymore). 

So, here's my question (and after spending a lot of time reading here, I think there is a ton of wisdom here): When will I move forward on this? I mean, really move forward? I don't think about the affairs every day anymore, not even every week, but they feel like a weight on me. Like a light has been turned off in my life. I'm just existing, not living. I don't know how to break through and really heal.

Appreciate any feedback, suggestions, etc. 

- JM


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

DO NOT make any committment with regards to R (reconciliation) for you need time to process this. Seek counseling with a professional therapist specializing in helping victims of infidelity and stress disorders (money well spent, trust me on this). And come here as often as you need for we can relate to the devastation of marital betrayal. You are not alone.


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

Console yourself with the likely fact that the affairs were just about sex, and he was just another male following his programming to copulate with as many as he could to "spread his seed." 

At least he's giving you the truth now and he knows you know.


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## JustMe321 (May 9, 2012)

morituri said:


> DO NOT make any committment with regards to R (reconciliation) for you need time to process this. Seek counseling with a professional therapist specializing in helping victims of infidelity and stress disorders (money well spent, trust me on this). And come here as often as you need for we can relate to the devastation of marital betrayal. You are not alone.


Thanks for the response. It has been hard. I think it's almost this weird calm now. Like the eye of the storm. It was such a wild terrible ride for a while there. I couldn't run away from it, couldn't stop thinking about, couldn't eat, sleep, breathe. And now it just seems like the wind is completely out of my sails. The silence is somtimes defining. 

I only told one friend about all this and thank God for her. I know I shouldn't be, but I was so embarrassed. I still am, but the weight of this has shifted from me to him. I know it's his burden, although I feel like I'm...I don't know...tainted by it. 

I'm not much of a talker when it comes to feelings or 'personal' stuff, so I've put off the counseling. I know I need it. It's just the thought of rehashing it all again...well, it exhausts me. Does that make sense?


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## JustMe321 (May 9, 2012)

Martin12 said:


> Console yourself with the likely fact that the affairs were just about sex, and he was just another male following his programming to copulate with as many as he could to "spread his seed."
> 
> At least he's giving you the truth now and he knows you know.


Well, with everything I know now, I'm pretty sure that may be the case about OW1, but not so much when it comes to OW2. He had feelings for her. I've been unfortuante enough to see the chats. That. Was. Awful. And it never goes away. 

I think I have the 'truth' and of course he swears there is no more to know, but I'll never know for sure. My ability to trust is shattered and I no longer even trust my own judgement, which really sucks, almost as much as finding out my H cheated on me.


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

JustMe321 said:


> Well, with everything I know now, I'm pretty sure that may be the case about OW1, but not so much when it comes to OW2. He had feelings for her. I've been unfortuante enough to see the chats. That. Was. Awful. And it never goes away.
> 
> I think I have the 'truth' and of course he swears there is no more to know, but I'll never know for sure. My ability to trust is shattered and I no longer even trust my own judgement, which really sucks, almost as much as finding out my H cheated on me.


I know, seeing the intimate communications is much worse than the thought of the sex between them. 

The problem is that we as spouses deal with the mundane world of bills, repairs, rides for the kids, taxes. The affair partner and the WS live in a wonderland. The affair partner offers poetry, we are prose. 

In the end, though, most people would probably give up caviar before they give up bread. The problem is knowing that you're the bread.


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## JustMe321 (May 9, 2012)

Point taken. And thank you for making it. 'I'm Bread' may become my new mantra.  

Yeah, it was fantasy. I eventually got to the point where I could see it for what it was and actually found myself grading their papers...'course that was waaay after the initial shock wore off. The words, the tone, it wasn't him and I knew it as I was reading it. I remember thinking, "seriously dude?!? did she really buy this crap?" And her, well I know I'm biased, but it didn't hurt that she couldn't spell or put a sentence together to save her life. If it wasn't so sad, it would be funny.


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

JustMe321 said:


> Point taken. And thank you for making it. 'I'm Bread' may become my new mantra.
> 
> Yeah, it was fantasy. I eventually got to the point where I could see it for what it was and actually found myself grading their papers...'course that was waaay after the initial shock wore off. The words, the tone, it wasn't him and I knew it as I was reading it. I remember thinking, "seriously dude?!? did she really buy this crap?" And her, well I know I'm biased, but it didn't hurt that she couldn't spell or put a sentence together to save her life. If it wasn't so sad, it would be funny.


Be bread, be good bread, be spicy or sweet bread as you can.

Your feelings are similar to mine. The OM in my case was a professional manipulator, so I've also read his stuff to my wife with the same "how did she buy this crap" feeling. But the quality of his game was pretty high.


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## JustMe321 (May 9, 2012)

I think that is one of the things I'm struggling with. I want to engage, well re-engage, but it's very difficult. I'm so disconnected from him now. I want to make this work, but at the same time I don't want to feel like I'm rewarding his poor choices by being an even better wife than I was. It's a daily tug of war with me. When he's not around I feel fine and the thoughts in my head are good and my intentions are good and then I'll see his face and I'm suddenly gone. Like my spirit isn't in it. 

I quoted a lot of those chats to my H (I pretty much know them by heart) and he would just hang his head and say nothing. I don't know if he ever really heard me. I wanted him to think of what it must have felt like for me to see/read those things but I don't think he will ever truly understand what that is like.

Are you are your wife in R? Did she 'get it' when you read her those chats?


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

JustMe321 said:


> I think that is one of the things I'm struggling with. I want to engage, well re-engage, but it's very difficult. I'm so disconnected from him now. I want to make this work, but at the same time I don't want to feel like I'm rewarding his poor choices by being an even better wife than I was. It's a daily tug of war with me. When he's not around I feel fine and the thoughts in my head are good and my intentions are good and then I'll see his face and I'm suddenly gone. Like my spirit isn't in it.
> 
> I quoted a lot of those chats to my H (I pretty much know them by heart) and he would just hang his head and say nothing. I don't know if he ever really heard me. I wanted him to think of what it must have felt like for me to see/read those things but I don't think he will ever truly understand what that is like.
> 
> Are you are your wife in R? Did she 'get it' when you read her those chats?


We are still in the process of revelation and discussion. I don't have chats, I have some emails. I have quoted them to her. The problem is that I am away from home and can't talk to her face-to-face. I will be going home next week to see her.

My situation started on March 7 when old love contacted her on Facebook - they went from 0-100 in less than three weeks.


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

I understand your pain as do many here. One of the reoccurring themes for the innocent spouse is the train of thought about the pictures, the 'whys' and struggling to understand the whole picture can yes indeed be exhausting. Whether or not the innocent spouse stays or leaves, counseling is money well spent. If you stay, the guilty party has some work ahead... becoming transparent to show they are remorseful and quite serious about change. Counseling together is better if that works for you! You have to reprogram your mind, get those defense mechanisms online, so to speak, and stop putting yourself through the ringer. When the train of thoughts stop, the anxiety will become increasingly diminished, thus allowing you to better handle the situation. This process takes some work, but is possible and good outcome can be achieved. Recovery, healing in the relationship as well as trust can be regained. Work on these for yourself. These tools will give you a more clearer mental strength to fight this struggle. Giving yourself time to heal is critical. It won't happen overnight, but does get easier along the way. Best wishes for your speedy recovery and happiness!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

a few questions to help you better

how long ago was D-Day?

is your husband being transparent now?
is you husband showing remorse instead of guilt and rugsweeping?

have you read the newbie link in my signature?


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

JustMe,

A few years ago, I caught my wife in a PA with an old college BF. When I started digging into old emails, and FB messages it became apparent that she had been cheating on me for years prior with other men. She admitted to 3 affairs with 3 OM, but like you said who knows for sure what the actual truth is anymore. 

I too have written dialogue between the OM and her. It really is a double edge to have this to read. On one hand it gives you an insight and awareness of the level of her betrayal that she never conveyed to me in counseling. On the other, the hurt and utter disregard for everything that you thought was sacred and pure to your marriage is sickening to the heart. 

When I got access to these emails we were a couple of months into R. I sat her down one afternoon and asked her to read them to me. I really don't think she knew how bad those pages of conversation would be. They were a couple of months old and she was trying to erase all memories of her betrayal from her mind. It was like... surreal... like any outer body experience for me. She says it was just a fantasy that she got caught up in and all lies. But the parts about me and how after 30 years of marriage...

"that we really have no partnership and have build nothing together - I mean, our kids have done*well, which is a huge deal, but as far as the two of us there's just nothing." 

was by far one of the worst moments in my life.


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

Finding out the extent of an A after the fact is extremely difficult - or at least it was for me. It's tough to think about the A itself, but knowing that you've been lied to (or that things have been kept from you) for years is even tougher. I too feel totally betrayed and have lost all trust in H. We're still together, but I'm experiencing the opposite of what you're going through. When he's here, I put on a happy face and things seem good. When he's gone, all I can think about is escaping this nightmare. I don't know if these feelings ever fully go away ... but I'm hoping that in time they do. Only you can know what you can live with.


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## JustMe321 (May 9, 2012)

Martin12 said:


> We are still in the process of revelation and discussion. I don't have chats, I have some emails. I have quoted them to her. The problem is that I am away from home and can't talk to her face-to-face. I will be going home next week to see her.
> 
> My situation started on March 7 when old love contacted her on Facebook - they went from 0-100 in less than three weeks.


I'm sorry it is so very recent for you. I hope when you are able to speak face to face she is able to show you that she undersands what she did - that she chooses R and you, if that is what you want. 

I do understand the speed with which it happened. OW2 and my H moved just about that fast. Within a month it went from strangers to a full blow EA and then very quickly to a PA. Blindingly fast.


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## JustMe321 (May 9, 2012)

Ben Connedfussed said:


> I understand your pain as do many here. One of the reoccurring themes for the innocent spouse is the train of thought about the pictures, the 'whys' and struggling to understand the whole picture can yes indeed be exhausting. Whether or not the innocent spouse stays or leaves, counseling is money well spent. If you stay, the guilty party has some work ahead... becoming transparent to show they are remorseful and quite serious about change. Counseling together is better if that works for you! You have to reprogram your mind, get those defense mechanisms online, so to speak, and stop putting yourself through the ringer. When the train of thoughts stop, the anxiety will become increasingly diminished, thus allowing you to better handle the situation. This process takes some work, but is possible and good outcome can be achieved. Recovery, healing in the relationship as well as trust can be regained. Work on these for yourself. These tools will give you a more clearer mental strength to fight this struggle. Giving yourself time to heal is critical. It won't happen overnight, but does get easier along the way. Best wishes for your speedy recovery and happiness!


Thank you for your words. They help. It has gotten easier with time and I am trying to hard to heal. I'm just concerned that instead of healing I've just shut down.


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## JustMe321 (May 9, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> a few questions to help you better
> 
> how long ago was D-Day?
> 
> ...


D-day was Jan 2011. Crazy how that date will forever be burned on my brain. So about 16 months ago.

I believe he is being transparent. I have access to all his accounts and his phone. Of course I did before, I just never thought I had a need to look. We all know how easy it is to open secret emails, get a burner phone and to use work email and such, so I'll never feel totally secure, but it is my gut feeling that nothing is going on now.

Remove vs. guilt. Of this I am not totally sure. At first, he was broken. Seemed to feel genuine remorse. Wanted desperately to save this marriage, to keep me. H is not a super open guy and it was hard to see him cry. Multiple daily texts informing me of where he was (didn't ask for them), hugging and kissing me goodbye every day, calling to ask if I was OK, offering to do things around the house, trying to go on 'date nights'. After all the anger wore off, I was just kind of a zombie. 

It was a shock to him that this all came to light. He really thought this was all behind him, that it was all over and ancient history. By the time I found out he was blindsided. Never expected to have to deal with me regarding all this. Never even considered what the consquences may be.

Maybe 6 months out he started to go back to 'normal'. Acting like everything was OK. Getting frustrated if I wasn't. Telling me that I was 'choosing to not get over it and move on'. I still go from 'normal' to angry - just not nearly as often. I do get that I am part of the problem in moving forward but I don't know how to do it. H doesn't really understand triggers - isn't senstive to them. If I am upset, then he is upset. He is reactionary and I don't have the desire to allow him that luxury anymore. 

And yes, I've read the link. It is very helpful. Thank you.


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## JustMe321 (May 9, 2012)

RWB said:


> JustMe,
> 
> A few years ago, I caught my wife in a PA with an old college BF. When I started digging into old emails, and FB messages it became apparent that she had been cheating on me for years prior with other men. She admitted to 3 affairs with 3 OM, but like you said who knows for sure what the actual truth is anymore.
> 
> ...


Oh my heart goes out to you. I understand. Reading the communication, the words...the fantasy between H and OW was one like an out of body experience. I wanted to run but I couldn't stop. Read them over and over....70+ chats that went on for hours, some while I was 10 feet away asleep. The first time I saw my name typed in one...I remember holding my breath. It was such an awful feeling. Like my guts being ripped out. 

For me it is the ability to look back and with date/time stamp accuracy and know exactly what was going on in my life when this stuff was going on around me. Where we were. What events were going on, what party we were getting ready to attend. All overlayed with this junk. As if everything I have known for the last 10 years is a lie. Not just the affairs, but everything.

Has R been working out for you? Did she seem to understand what reading those communications did to you?


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## JustMe321 (May 9, 2012)

jinba said:


> Finding out the extent of an A after the fact is extremely difficult - or at least it was for me. It's tough to think about the A itself, but knowing that you've been lied to (or that things have been kept from you) for years is even tougher. I too feel totally betrayed and have lost all trust in H. We're still together, but I'm experiencing the opposite of what you're going through. When he's here, I put on a happy face and things seem good. When he's gone, all I can think about is escaping this nightmare. I don't know if these feelings ever fully go away ... but I'm hoping that in time they do. Only you can know what you can live with.


I'm so sorry. I do understand. 

I do wish I could be better around him. It's almost like a switch. I find myself tense as soon as he walks in...no matter how 'fine' I was just a moment before. Even if I had good thoughts in my mind and had wanted to see him, he then appears and I'm not interested. 

I don't know how to move past this.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

JustMe321 said:


> Maybe 6 months out he started to go back to 'normal'. Acting like everything was OK. Getting frustrated if I wasn't. Telling me that I was 'choosing to not get over it and move on'. I still go from 'normal' to angry - just not nearly as often. I do get that I am part of the problem in moving forward but I don't know how to do it. H doesn't really understand triggers - isn't senstive to them. If I am upset, then he is upset. He is reactionary and I don't have the desire to allow him that luxury anymore.
> 
> And yes, I've read the link. It is very helpful. Thank you.



There's the problem

Healing can take 2-5 years and at a crucial point of healing he looked to rugsweep


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## JustMe321 (May 9, 2012)

I agree. I have told him this. Tried to explain things will never be the 'old normal' and we have to find a new one. He just doesn't get it. I don't think he will ever understand how this affected me. It was so long ago, so...over...for him that he can't get into that space, that for me, it is not over. For me it was brand new. I had to go through all the stages as if it had happened yesterday.

Yes, he does want this to go away. He wants to stop talking about it. Although he hasn't said it, I think he finds it almost unfair of me to bring it up at all. Like I'll forever use it against him. That is not what I'm doing...I'm trying to work through it. Every once in a while I'll have a question and he gets that look on his face like "here we go again". He tries. He's not mean or angry about it, but he does seem frustrated by me doing that. He thinks that by my bringing it up, I'm refusing to let go. He does not understand that I have no choice in the matter. It is now part of me.

Frankly, he has gotten to the point where he has asked me if I want him to leave. That I seem like I don't want him around anymore. And yes, there are days where I just don't care enough to discuss it. Days where I just don't have it in me to reassure him that I want him. I've heard so many folks talk about heavy lifting and I feel like there has been a shift and suddently I'm the one doing it. By acting 'normal'. By going back to being that person who knew nothing and was in blind ignorance to his behaivor. That is a job in and of itself and I can't (and won't) do it. Just typing that makes me feel like I'm not doing enough to save this.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

JustMe321 said:


> That is a job in and of itself and I can't (and won't) do it. Just typing that makes me feel like* my husband* is not doing enough to save this.


FYP 

since the issue started to get rug swept at the 6 month stage you are essentially stuck in that phase for the last 10 months

this a recent post by someone in the 6 month R stage
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/45925-letter-my-wh.html

sound like your feelings?


now the real question for you- is it too late for your husband to help you heal and is he willing to do it?


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

JustMe,

My wife and I are still together, 33 year married. It has been a little under 3 years since dday. I still feel like 6+ years of my life has been stolen from me. In honesty, the old marriage is over. She and I both have new rings. The old ones... engagement, our wedding, 10 year anniversary mean nothing to me. I gave them to my grown son to sell or pawn, they have no value to me. I copied the email between her and OM3 into a word document and named it Horrible.Doc. I look at it every few months or so for some reason or another, I'm lying, a lot more often. What I'm trying to tell you is it never really goes away. In another post... someone said "you become a changed person". When my counselor told me that it takes 2-5 years to "get over" the betrayal of your spouse's affair, I was like pleasssse... 5 years. Now living it, I would welcome a 5 year get over it date. Do you ever really. 

Sorry for the downer... Your question... 

"Did she seem to understand what reading those communications did to you?" 

She knows that it was the single most defining moment of my life. 

RWB


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## JustMe321 (May 9, 2012)

Yup. That thread hits home. 

Great question. I don't know if I have an answer. Sometimes I feel like there is nothing left for me here in this marriage. I don't know how to heal, how to move forward. I don't feel like I'm in that painful awful place anymore, but I'm stagnant. 

Is he willing to help? If asked he will say 'of course, anything!'. In reality, I believe he doesn't think there is anything to help heal. I think if he would be honest about his deepest thoughts he would say that he just doesn't think this should be an issue any longer. That it is long over. That he has apologized over and over. That he has answered every question, that he loves me and that he is truly sorry and it wont happen again. And that it is now up to me to move on and stop letting this affect me. 

This has somehow become my problem and my problem alone.


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## JustMe321 (May 9, 2012)

RWB - I get you. Dang, so much of what you said, I could have written myself. The rings, those damn rings. All I could think of was how it is just a piece of metal, the meaning completely gone. I too read the chats over and over. He eventually deleted the entire acct. Part of me was pissed, I wanted him to read them and think about how it must have felt for me to see those words, yet a part of me was relieved that it was not there for me to continually access, because I know I would have. 

I did start a journal and paraphrased all the chats and I do find myself sometimes rereading that. I wonder if I'm torturing myself doing that or just making sure that I remember and don't allow myself to ever be so naive again. Either way, I don't think I can imagine antoher 3+ years of this.

It sounds like your wife gets it and that you guys are moving in the right direction. Keeping you in my thoughts.


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