# Considering separation due to too much stress



## TSRC (Mar 31, 2013)

I have been married for 11 years and I always felt my husband and I had a strong marriage, because we have been through so many difficult times and made it through. But our marriage has been very stressful. My husband was in school for 8 years, just to get a bachelor's degree, which he can't use in this economy. He then went to technical school for about a year and a half until he realized the program wasn't teaching him anything he would need to find a job. He has never held a job in the 11 years we've been married - he tried to find work when we first got married, didn't have luck, then decided to go to school. I blame myself some for not forcing him to look harder for a job while he was in school, but he never put a focus on it either. I have been the sole supporter for our family financially, did all of the cooking and most of the cleaning, did everything for our 2 girls, one who had developmental needs and the other who currently has behavioral needs. I also had to do a lot for my husband, who seemed incapable of doing some things on his own, like putting together a resume, managing money in our joint checking account, and such. On top of all of this, my husband developed performance issues, and we haven't had intercourse in over a year. He wants to get help for his problem, but we've never been able to afford health insurance until recently. And we really can't afford it now.

A few years ago, after struggling with what I thought was regular depression, I was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I have bipolar type II, which is not supposed to be as bad because I spend most of my time being depressed and don't experience full mania. It can be controlled with medication, but over time I stopped taking care of myself, because I was so overwhelmed with everyone else in my family. I wasn't sleeping, I was stressed, and I was inconsistent with my meds. Finally about 2 months ago I experienced the worst bipolar episode I had ever experienced in my life, which had been building for a while. I was extremely irritable, uncontrollable mood swings, and the worst is that I came pretty close to experience true mania. It took all of the strength in the world to keep from doing things I would regret - like buying a $600 computer on a whim or having an affair. I did not have an affair, but I began seeking out men because I was extremely hypersexual, another symptom of mania. Fortunately, I was able to see my doctor to get a medication added to treat the mania before I did anything too drastic. I did meet a couple of men online that was short lived, I got involved in more sexually related conversations with another guy, which was bad, but I cut that off completely about two weeks ago, before anything actually happened. The problem is that one guy I met during that time has actually turned into a good friend. Nothing has happened other than us just talking on the phone. He is divorced and his wife cheated on him, so he let me know nothing would happen between us unless I actually separated from my husband. He really is a good guy. And I am trying so hard to get better, I've been taking my meds religiously and going to therapy. I NEVER want to get as bad as I have been in the past few months.

A few weeks ago I told my husband I was not happy and that I just didn't know if I could take the stress of our marriage anymore, especially when too much stress can trigger my bipolar episodes. He of course was very defensive about a lot of things, like pointing out the things he does around the house (which is still a very short list) and reassuring me that he has been looking for work. I told him that he needs to go to some career counselor or employment agency to help him figure out what he is doing wrong. But he then points out to me that I have been distant from him, that he may try to kiss me and I don't kiss him back. And I realize that he is right, I have been feeling distant from him. I think the performance issues affected me more than I ever expected - when we weren't able to do anything, I just stopped caring about intimacy. I figured, what's the point, I won't get to have intimacy any time soon. 

When I told him I thought maybe we should separate, he was broken. He said he would take over all of the cleaning and some of the cooking. It was then that we decided to get him health insurance so he can get help for his performance issues - which he assured me was NOT my fault, but what woman wouldn't feel unattractive from this? Especially since he's just 39 years old and shouldn't have these problems. But ever since I brought this up a few weeks ago he HAS been doing so much more around the house, it's been amazing. But he has a habit of doing a lot when I have an emotional breakdown, then he slacks off once I calm down a bit. So it's hard to know if this is a permanent change or just because I brought up separating.

The point of all of this is that I love my husband, more than anything in the world. He is my best friend. But I don't feel IN love with him anymore. And I feel like it has just been an accumulation of all of the years of stress that has gotten to me. We don't do anything different than I would do with any of my friends - we talk about sports, laugh at a comedy on TV, go out to lunch. I think I will always care about him. But I want to separate, and I know it should not be because of this other guy, but part of it is. But I feel guilty about how it would affect my kids, how it would affect my husband. He has no job, what would he do without me? I can't just throw him out on the street, although he does have a friend nearby who he might be able to stay with. 

But I feel like I will probably stay, and just be miserable. I'm also worried that if I stay I will resent my husband because I was unable to get to know this other guy better, because I really need to break off contact with him if I'm going to focus on our marriage. Sounds stupid, but I already feel that way a bit. I've been putting off breaking off our conversations because I have been crying at the thought of no longer talking to him and just focusing on my husband.

I don't want to hurt anyone, but I feel selfish for wanting to be happy. I don't know if separating will make me happy or reduce stress though. It will probably just create different stressors. But I do wish my husband was capable of being more independent without me, because I do care about him.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Separating might remove some of your current stressors, but as you say, it will likely bring on a house of others. If nothing else, supporting two household financially, and handling all the daily tasks and chores without any input from him, including child minding...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pamelaroberts (Mar 31, 2013)

Hello TSRC
I totally understand where you are coming from! I have been with my husband sense high school. We had our son his senior year in high school. I thought he was my soul mate! We got married when our son was 3 years old. It was great in the beginning than my husband starting slowing changing. After our daughter was born in 98 he got into drugs and lost his job! Lucky I got a great job working at a hospital, so "I" could support our family! I ended up leaving him for the first time after our daughter turned one, because of the drugs and he started to put his hands on me. Than after a 2 years he got clean and we got back together. He was working and things were good for awhile. Than he started staying out all night and hang out with the wrong crowd and got him a case! Where he went to jail for 4 months! And I still stayed by his side! He got out found a good job(once again) than we moved into our dream house to have a fresh :smthumbup:
That was in 2002. Everything was good for the first 2 years. Than I was attacked, and instead of my husband being there for me he left me for a girl who was 10 years younger than me!! (and he lost his job once again) I was in the worst place I have ever been in, I was very depressed,suicidal,started medication, and drinking!!! I couldn't even take care of my kids! Thank God for my family and my good friends! We separated again, this time it was for 7 years. At that time he got back on drugs and just went out the deep end! I had to get a restraining order against him! He made my life a living HELL! But at the same time I still loved him. Don't know why but I did. 
After some years had past, he had realized the hell he had put me and his kids through and changed his life. He went to Anger Management and rehab and we actual became friends again. Than I got really sick and the doctors didn't know what was going on with me! I thought for a minute I had cancer! I had lost 30 lbs in less than 6 weeks!! Than ran all these test on me and come to find out I had Crohn's Disease. My husband was by my side the whole time. I started to have feeling for him again, but he was gun shy.
So by this time our son was starting high school and I didn't want to upset my son. He was so use to it just being us. 7 years is a long time to be separated. But we decided to give it another try. We moved into a bigger house (which I loved) and his mother ended up also moving in with us (bad idea!!!!). It was hard to first year but it got better and for the first time in a long long time I feel back IN LOVE WITH MY HUSBAND! Even know he wasn't working I didn't! As long as I could do it on just my pay check I was fine. Than I got hurt on the job and his mother didn't end up hold up her part of paying her share of the house payment we lost our house after 3 years!!! I felt he saw what was happening and I just don't understand at that point why he wouldn't do everything in his power to get a job and help his FAMILY!!! I was the one going to my family and friends for help! I was the one trying to figure everything out! And where we were going to leave! He didn't even go with me to look!!! Now we leave in this apartment that I HATE!! I feel I'm going backwards instead of forward. Because I always think that getting back with him it will be better this around. And it never is! And to top it off it makes my son so angry! We have all these money problems right now because my doctor took me off work again because of my back and my high blood pressure. And my depression is at it's highest right now and it's my son's senior year and this is not how a pictured my son's senior year going!!! I feel I have failed as a parent for once again thinking my husband was going to step up to the plate!! I have told him that Iam not happy and I have no intention of being with him sexual because I don't think he deserves it!! I feel he just doesn't get it, know matter how much I tell him!! When he doesn't like what I say he takes off! Doesn't he realize all he does is just piss me off even more! I'm so ANGRY and I RESENT HIM. I'm FEELING I'M EVEN STARTING TO HATE HIM!! And MYSELF! This not how I picture my life........


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## TSRC (Mar 31, 2013)

PBear said:


> Separating might remove some of your current stressors, but as you say, it will likely bring on a house of others. If nothing else, supporting two household financially, and handling all the daily tasks and chores without any input from him, including child minding...
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was wondering about that. If we do separate, would I have to pay enough money to him to live on his own? I had thought about letting keep one of our cars, continue paying his health insurance, and letting him have about $250 a month - not enough to live on his own, but enough for him to pay some food and gas if he moved in with a friend. And yes, I have thought this far ahead. If he got a job, all of this would end (except letting him keep a car), so we'd see how that worked out. But no, I could not pay for him to live completely on his own. If that is the case, then I have no choice but to stay with him. And if that is the case I have no hope for our situation to ever change. Sigh.

The only hitch I have right now is he does keep our younger daughter 3 days a week to cut down on daycare costs, since he is at home anyhow. I don't know if he would continue to do this if we did separate. But the good thing is that if he won't I would only have to pay for additional daycare for another 2 months because after that they will be with grandparents for the summer. And after the summer, they both will be in school for Pre-k and Kindergarten, so my afterschool costs will be less than what I pay now. I am very grateful for him for keeping our daughter, although I wish she could be in daycare 5 days a week, and I would want that even though my husband doesn't have a job and is home.

Doing all of the cleaning would be hard now that he has taken on so much of it in the past few weeks, but I think once we declutter our house, which I have been helping with, it will be a lot easier. Cooking I already do. But honestly, other than putting our girls to bed every night, he does very little child rearing. I'm the one who gets them up in the morning, gives them baths, helps them put on their clothes, does their hair, drives them to daycare and school, attends all of the meetings at school, meets with therapists and school providers, gets up with them early on the weekends while he sleeps in, feeds them breakfast, lunch, and snacks, reads them stories at night, does homework with my daughter in Pre-K, you get the idea. In that regard I basically feel like a single mom already. I would hope that taking time for myself after they go to bed and taking my medicine and staying in therapy would help, at least I hope it would. But who knows?

That's the hard part. I don't want to feel like I made the "wrong" decision, although I don't know if it's healthy to think of it that way. My husband told me the ball is in my court, that I'm the one who has to make the decision about whether or not to separate. I know how he feels, I am just so confused about how I feel.

Pamelaroberts, I'm really sorry you've been going through so many struggles for so many years. I am lucky that I've never had to deal with my husband having a drug problem. But I do worry that if I do separate, we will end up getting back together anyhow because i do love him. It sounds like you two have had some major problems over the years, and you have a lot to figure out about where you want to be in your life and how to find the happiness you deserve.


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## drifting_alone (Apr 1, 2013)

I am in exactly the same situation but am the husband. A child with autism, a wife who has not worked in 9 years, a wife who has no interest in sex (maybe once a month), me with bipolar type ii and drifting further and further apart. 

I am also deciding whether to stay or leave. I love my wife, but am not in love with her. We are more like best friends. We have been through so much together and it is sad that it has come to this. We have tried all sorts of counseling, talking about the issues but any resolution is only temporary.

What we need to ask ourselves is, is this what we want our one shot at life to be? would you wake up in 20 years and say, "Damn, that was it."?

I wish you luck with your deliberations, but just remember no matter what you choose, the sun will still rise in the morning, life will go on, and perhaps we will be blessed with another chance at true happiness be it alone or with someone new.


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## pamelaroberts (Mar 31, 2013)

Thank You TSRC,
That Easter Morning I got up and went to church with my kids and a Great friend of mine, and her kids. It was like the pastor was talking to me!( I cried most of the service) But for the first time in a very long time I was really listening. I was always brought up in church, but as a got older I stopped going on a regular basis. My husband was never brought up in church so it's hard for him to understand where I'm coming from. Every time things got bad I would go to church. Than things got better and than I would stop! I realize without God being a consistant part of my life and my children life things will always go back to the same way! I did talk to the pastor after church and he referred me to a counselor. Me and lady talked and I asked the Lord Jesus Christ back into my Life! I know without God in my life and STAYING IN MY LIFE, MY LIFE WITH NEVER CHANGE!!!! For the first time in months and months I have faith with Jesus on my side me and my Family will be ok! I'm not sure if that means me and my husband will stay together, but I believe God has a plan for ME!! And I know I have a long long journey ahead of me, but I start counseling this week through the church (FOR FREE)!! Thank You Jesus.... And I don't think for one second it's going to be an easy road, because I know I still have a TON to deal with, but I'm going to take it one day at a time. And work on ME!! Because at the end of the day the only person I can change is MYSELF! And some of the things you talked about in your first letter I read.... I did that too I cheated on my husband!! And let me tell you if I could take it back I would!!! Trust me all it does is make your problems even BIGGER and add more people into your drama!!! So good for you for not going that route. And I have been through A LOT! But with Jesus on myside I know I'm going to be OK! Like it says in the bible God never gives you more than you can handle! I BELIEVE THAT WITH ALL MY HEART. And most of all My kids will have a better mom and see with having Jesus in your life faithfully, all things are possible. I can't let my depression or self pity take over my LIFE! 

And to drifting_alone..... Your not alone!! I will pray for you and your family!! I know it's HARD! But as the MAN of your family and with your own Bipolar disorder... Your still taking care of your Family! So be proud of yourself!!!! My brother has bipolar too and he using it as a way NOT TO TAKE CARE OF HIS 7 KIDS!!! So I pat you on the back!! GOOD JOB HUSBAND AND FATHER!! You hang in there.... And ask the lord to be by your side. Because HE WILL!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'd recommend talking to a lawyer before making any moves, and find out your rights and responsibilities. Perhaps if you can hang on till summer when the grandparents can take over child are, it will give him an opportunity to get his act together. It will also give him a chance to get a job without panicking (as much).

You speak as if he'll just move out with a friend or something... Why is that? Why not you moving out, since you're the unhappy one? In most situations, you can't kick a spouse out. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TSRC (Mar 31, 2013)

Sorry for the late reply. I've been doing a lot of thinking and talking with my husband and we decided to try to work on our marriage. And that seemed okay for a little while, but now I'm having doubts again. Sigh. 

Our lack of a sex life has become such of a big issue for me. And what is really bad is that I broke off my friendship with this guy I met when I was in my manic episode, and it's been killing me, I miss him so much because we had gotten really close. But my husband made it very clear in our talks that infidelity is not something he could ever tolerate in a marriage. He also said that he has no intention of not seeing his kids everyday. So I see that as an underlying threat that if we did separate, he would try to get custody of our kids, which I think would only work if he tried to use my bipolar disorder against me. But he doesn't have a job or a way to support himself, how could he support a family?! That whole conversation drove me insane. But whatever, we're trying to add romance back into our lives. I just wish I was more thrilled about it. I feel like working on our marriage is something I need to do, not really what I want to do.

drifting_alone, we really are in similar situations! It is hard, isn't it? My husband made the comment that we have been more like close roommates instead of husband and wife, and this has been building up for years. For some reason my hypomanic episode is what brought all of this to the surface. I never would have sought out other men until I had this episode, and finding out other men were attracted to me really made me resent my current situation more. I am so sorry you are going through this too. We have not done marriage counseling yet, but I'm in private counseling so when I see the psychologist on Monday I plan to ask her about recommendations for a marriage counselor or sex therapist. I definitely hope you are able to find some answers. Keep me updated on what you decide to do.

pamelaroberts, I'm really glad going to church helped to give you some clarity! It's wonderful when that happens. I also try to believe that God won't give you more than you can handle. It's hard for me to remember that sometimes, but it's all about keeping the faith. 

PBear, I only thought of him leaving because he is the one without a job and he wouldn't be able to pay the rent or any of the bills at our current place. I figure at least if he could move in with a friend, or family, him not having a job wouldn't be that big of a deal. Even if he found a job, I doubt he would be able to make enough to keep up all of the bills, but that's something I don't know. Right now him finding a job is not looking likely.


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## drifting_alone (Apr 1, 2013)

Hi TSRC, yep our situations are very similar indeed. Just drifting along, alone and lonely and essentially putting ourselves on the shelf for someone who neither appreciates us, nor lusts after us and someone who we would ordinarily not choose to associate with.

I made the decision April 2 and had "The Talk". It was obviously no surprise to her seeing as we had spoken at length many times about our issues. It really came down to neither of us getting the fulfillment we wanted or the happiness we deserved. Thankfully we both seem to be on the same page, for now, and things have gone better than expected. Some sad moments but overall a sense of relief that we had agreed on a new direction.

I signed my lease today for my new apartment and move in next weekend. Mixed feelings but I am generally optimistic for my new life. We have discussed finances at length as she has not worked for 9 years since the birth of our children, her getting work is difficult given the care required for our autistic son etc. basically I will be paying for everything until her benefits kick in, and even then 90% of my pay will be needed to keep the kids in the same house/schools etc. And that's ok for now. The children are our priority and thankfully the friendship between my ex and I remains strong.

I realise that this may not be helpful to you in your situation, but just stay strong, stay true to yourself and your beliefs and you can't go wrong. All the best to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

What the hell does he do all day? That is pitiful. 
I don't blame you at all for feeling like this. It's hard to be attracted to a man who acts like a child. It's like he's another child instead of a spouse. 
I don't think you should leave because of the OM. For one thing you have no idea what he would be like in a relationship. 

Would you have to pay him alimony? 

Maybe you could tell him that he has a certain amount of time to get a job, go to the dr for his ED and start manning up. I would actually highly suggest he get himself on this site and have the TAM men explain to him how to be a husband.


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## TSRC (Mar 31, 2013)

Right now I think the possibility of alimony would be the main reason I stay. I just can't afford that. I would like to think he'd be man enough not to ask me to pay all of his bills, but who knows what he would do. I also have realized that even with the other stressors being dealt with, like him doing more around the house (which he has been doing) a big issue with us is our sex life and I am wondering if we'll ever be compatible with that. Looks like I need to start hanging out on the sex in marriage board, sigh. I do want to stay for my kids, and I do love my husband, but I want to be able to think of my husband as a husband and not just a best friend or roommate. I really don't know how I feel about this anymore.


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