# She wouldn't do a small thing for me.... Got me really mad



## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

Generally, I'll make coffee for my wife, make her food etc. I do what I can to help her.
She works shifts, I've been working from home for last few months. The other day she forgot her lunch so I used my 30 mins lunchtime to drive it over to her.

Like I said she worked shifts. Finished late last night fair enough.
So we get up this am, sort the kids for school. Shes off today so planning to catch up on sleep.

As usual, I'm logging onto to work 830am. So I ask her "do me a favour pop some toast in for me I've got stuff to do urgently with work".
She then spends 30 mins on facebook, refuses to cook me toast and then says "no I'm tired and going to sleep".

Am I right to be a bit annoyed here? Jeez - the things I do for her and I ask her one favour that will take 5 minutes.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

psychocandy said:


> Am I right to be a bit annoyed here?


Well, I guess it depends on the bigger context? How is the relationship overall? (I haven't searched for your other threads, I am only looking at this one post). *What do you think she would say, *if she was here telling this story?


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

hmmm. Pretty good. Been married a long time.... We have our moments and she can be a bit unreasonable at times.

If it were here, she'd say, "I've only had 4 hours sleep because I worked a late shift so I needed to go catch up sleep".


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Well, that would be a little disingenuous if she said that, wouldn't it? Because she had 30 minutes to be on Facebook before she caught up on sleep, but couldn't make you a piece of toast to help you during a work emergency.

I think it's as you said. She can be unreasonable (and perhaps selfish)?

You can always choose not to go out of your way so much for her, IF the lack of reciprocity is going to cause resentment, because that would be a bad trend....


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

Yeah she did say that to me...

I've decided not going to make a big thing out of it - that's probably a bit immature. BUT, I won't be volunteering to put myself out massively in the future....


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You are right to be irritated with her. She seems to have mistaken you for her manservant.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Facebook is the devil.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Laurentium said:


> Facebook is the devil.


Yeah, but as an adult she could control her actions.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Laurentium said:


> Facebook is the devil.


Hmm, this is TAM, dontchaknow!

Find out what she was doing on Facebook, at that moment.
Yes.

_WHO_, to her, was more important to give her life's bread to?

Does she have another significant other?

Here, we posters go again! 


_Lilith-_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

psychocandy said:


> Yeah she did say that to me...
> 
> I've decided not going to make a big thing out of it - that's probably a bit immature. BUT, I won't be volunteering to put myself out massively in the future....


When I met my husband, my birthday came up and he ignored it; said he didn't believe in 'having to' celebrate things that society said, he'd just rather randomly give me gifts throughout the year - meaning he gets to be a hero. So six months roll around and his birthday comes up, I ignored it. You'd think I shot his mother, he was so upset. I just shrugged my shoulders and said "I'm just following your lead; you can't be bothered to recognize my birthday so I'm just doing the same for you." THAT is how he learned to remember my birthday. Meaning, don't do her a favor the next time, but be sure and tell her WHY. That's how she'll learn to respect you.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

psychocandy said:


> Yeah she did say that to me...
> 
> I've decided not going to make a big thing out of it - that's probably a bit immature. BUT, I won't be volunteering to put myself out massively in the future....


What you need to do is make sure you and the kids are provided for.
In regards to the wife, you need to ratchet back.
She can learn to fend for herself, do her own breakfast, make her own coffee or do without.
Next tome she forgets her lunch and calls to tell her about it, your response should be "That's a bummer, Babe. A true bummer."
There's an old saying: "If you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours." Sounds like she needs to learn that that arrangement goes both ways. Until she does, she will become self sufficient.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> You are right to be irritated with her. She seems to have mistaken you for her manservant.


Entitlement can be self-dubbed.

She kneeled at her own altar and made herself an orphan Princess.

Her alter-ego did the shoulder tapping with a very long, very sharp and common kitchen knife.

Only @psychocandy can see her crown. It is fading from view... fast.

He is now 'on' to her ways.



_The Typist-_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You could also read the book His Needs Her Needs and share it with her; it explains all this very well.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, are you at all familiar with the Love Languages concepts? Basically, people feel loved in different ways - physical touch, acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, or gifts. They tend to "speak" their own love language to their partners - whether or not their partner feels loved in that same way. Doing things that would make you feel loved can be a whole lot of work and effort for nothing if those things don't register as love to your partner. Learning to speak your partner's love language, so that he or she actually feels loved, it is sometimes the key to improving a marriage. It allows you both to work smarter, not harder. 

It may be that one of your primary love languages is Acts of Service. You seem to be trying to show your love for your wife by doing all those things for her. 

However, it seems pretty clear that acts of service is not her love language. Meaning she isn't hearing "I love you" when you fix her plate or bring her coffee. She probably thinks it's nice, maybe even expects it after all this time, but it's not something that registers as love to her. You think it "should", but that's not her love language, so doing little things for her isn't ticking that Love box for her. Maybe she feels loved when you give her gifts, or spend quality time with her, or when you compliment her. 

All this also means that what you are hearing when she doesn't do things for you, is "I don't love you." Which is probably why you resent it so much when she doesn't reciprocate your level and type of effort. But, she may have no idea that's how you feel, because it wouldn't make her feel that way. 

Now, she may indeed be a lazy, selfish, witch. Or....or....it may genuinely never have registered to her that you feel unloved when she doesn't perform Acts of Service for you - because she doesn't feel particularly loved when you do perform Acts of Service for her.

What sorts of things is she "unreasonable" about? Is it possible that those things might relate to you unknowingly dismissing her love language as she dismissed yours this morning?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

turnera said:


> When I met my husband, my birthday came up and he ignored it; said he didn't believe in 'having to' celebrate things that society said, he'd just rather randomly give me gifts throughout the year - meaning he gets to be a hero. So six months roll around and his birthday comes up, I ignored it. You'd think I shot his mother, he was so upset. I just shrugged my shoulders and said "I'm just following your lead; you can't be bothered to recognize my birthday so I'm just doing the same for you." THAT is how he learned to remember my birthday. Meaning, don't do her a favor the next time, but be sure and tell her WHY. That's how she'll learn to respect you.


What is the saying?
The elephant never forgets a slight?

Nor, do Taurus's or Scorpio's........😒


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

psychocandy said:


> Am I right to be a bit annoyed here? Jeez


I am reading this and thinking you lost it over a piece of toast. I do that based on my own self reflection, because big things don't bother me. It is always the little tiny things make me lose my marbles. The biggest argument in my house that went all out of proportion and ended up spilling into therapy involved cinnamon toast. Someone was too lazy to get a napkin or plate and just ate them directly off the couch cushions. 

You know what the therapist told me? That she could not understand why I could not just let it go and that regardless of how disrespectful it was. Something like that should have not ruined the whole day for the whole family. 

I still think I was within my rights to loose it and think our therapist just didn't like having her career reduced to that of a family cinnamon toast referee. 

I still get upset just thinking about it!

Badsanta


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

psychocandy said:


> Generally, I'll make coffee for my wife, make her food etc. I do what I can to help her.
> She works shifts, I've been working from home for last few months. The other day she forgot her lunch so I used my 30 mins lunchtime to drive it over to her.
> 
> Like I said she worked shifts. Finished late last night fair enough.
> ...



Pick your battles. For me, this is a battle left alone. Your W stated, "She is off today so planning to catch up on sleep." Maybe your two definition of "off work" are different. The day was simply for herself. No taking care of customers internal and external at her place of employment. No waiting on her H. No cleaning house. No kids to attend. Simply a day off. People do deserve these type days every now and then.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Rowan said:


> OP, are you at all familiar with the Love Languages concepts? Basically, people feel loved in different ways - physical touch, acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, or gifts. They tend to "speak" their own love language to their partners - whether or not their partner feels loved in that same way. Doing things that would make you feel loved can be a whole lot of work and effort for nothing if those things don't register as love to your partner. Learning to speak your partner's love language, so that he or she actually feels loved, it is sometimes the key to improving a marriage. It allows you both to work smarter, not harder.
> 
> It may be that one of your primary love languages is Acts of Service. You seem to be trying to show your love for your wife by doing all those things for her.
> 
> ...


Love languages are very helpful to be aware of in relationships. But really, it should make not a **** of a difference what anyone's love language is in this instance--- she was scrolling through Facebook for half an hour and refused to do her spouse a favor of toasting him a slice of bread. That's just plain mean.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Love languages are very helpful to be aware of in relationships. But really, it should make not a **** of a difference what anyone's love language is in this instance--- she was scrolling through Facebook for half an hour and refused to do her spouse a favor of toasting him a slice of bread. That's just plain mean.


Yeah, it's not nice. Which is why I asked what sorts of things she's "unreasonable" about. We only have this one little snapshot of a guy seething because his wife wouldn't make him toast on her day off. He's resentful. And it sounds like she can't be bothered. Trust me. It's not just about the toast. There's WAY more going on in this marriage than this one incident. It would probably be good for the relationship as a whole if one or both of them would look into possibilities for what's really going on.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> Pick your battles. For me, this is a battle left alone. Your W stated, "She is off today so planning to catch up on sleep." Maybe your two definition of "off work" are different. The day was simply for herself. No taking care of customers internal and external at her place of employment. No waiting on her H. No cleaning house. No kids to attend. Simply a day off. People do deserve these type days every now and then.


I agree with this, but still! Making you a piece of toast only takes a minute or two. Given all you've done for her, this seems very petty of her. I wouldn't say anything, but for a few days I'd be less proactive in doing things for her. Perhaps that's passive aggressive, but she may still get the point.


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## Mylehigh (Jul 8, 2019)

Your complaint seems petty to me. Get up 5 minutes earlier and make your own toast.

This is probably you two acting out other frustrations (some kind of power struggle) with each other within a quite silly scenario. Figure out the root problem and this scenario won't happen.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What really matters, IMO, is if this is a pattern of hers. Accept all you do, but does not reciprocate. If so, worth having a conversation about it. If not, it was a one off and not worth getting mad.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> I agree with this, but still! Making you a piece of toast only takes a minute or two. Given all you've done for her, this seems very petty of her. I wouldn't say anything, but for a few days I'd be less proactive in doing things for her. Perhaps that's passive aggressive, but she may still get the point.


Maybe that is where some differ. If my W says she is not doing anything on her day off I'll be the last person to ask my W to do something for me. It is her day off from everything IMO. I expect the same in return when I state I'm doing what I want to do on my day off. My W reciprocates in kind. I truly think this not worth a battle but a conversation concerning time/day off. What is expected by and from each other. Yes, getting some bread toasted seems like a small chore. Blowing it out of proportion because it did not happen seems to be a waste of energy.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Mylehigh said:


> Your complaint seems petty to me. Get up 5 minutes earlier and make your own toast.
> 
> This is probably you two acting out other frustrations (some kind of power struggle) with each other within a quite silly scenario. Figure out the root problem and this scenario won't happen.


Really? Make his own toast? Then she should make her own breakfast, coffee, and if she forgets her lunch he certainly should not use his lunchtime to bring it to her.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

psychocandy said:


> Generally, I'll make coffee for my wife, make her food etc. I do what I can to help her.
> She works shifts, I've been working from home for last few months. The other day she forgot her lunch so I used my 30 mins lunchtime to drive it over to her.
> 
> Like I said she worked shifts. Finished late last night fair enough.
> ...


This is a one off incident with little context.

I will write from my own experience though. My wife and I are getting on really well, which is great as she is a very impressive woman. I would find something similar though, at times it was stressful. 

I would get things done, she would get upset at me and protest she did plenty, I had not said otherwise. I would make a suggestion and she would be a little shirty. 

In her mind, I was an extremely capable person. I did not say anything, but I was clearly looking down on her because of this. She often had to stick up for herself when I was like this. She would also have to stick up for herself when she had an idea and I overruled it.

Once we realised that we were both misunderstanding each other things became far more easy.

I will also say something that relies on stereotypes. I am assuming you are between 30-odd to 40-odd. I had a shock when I went abroad from the UK how much more tends to be expected of women. We take for granted in the UK that your wife will grumble about how she has to do everything around the house, and she will strongly emotionally identify with the oppressed housewife. Women will complain their men cannot just make a meal adn clean it up without making a big deal of it. I went to Belgium and women said the same thing so I assumed it was the same. It was not, what the Belgian women were saying was actually true, and that I would make a meal adn clear it up was really surprising. 

There is, in my opinion, a thing that generation X women tend to strongly identify as being oppressed, but will not materially do that.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Those little slights soon grown to big bites.
Large chunks gnawed from your sensibilities.

OP wished to smell that cooking toast, instead, all he experienced was his own slow burn.
The smell of his own resentment coming out of his ears.

Likely mixed in with his wife's resentment of him.
For reasons, TBD.

She does not value OP much, it seems.
...........................................................

There is the odd chance that she is afflicted with a variation of OCD and cannot break free from her own trappings.
Such that, once she starts on some project or endeavor, she cannot multi-task to another.

People like THIS, do exist.
Hmm.


_THRD-_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@psychocandy was the toast incident the last straw that broke the camel's back for you?


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

Am I right in thinking that your wife finished a late shift last night, then had just four hours sleep before getting up again to help with the school run?!

If so, then I don't understand why she got up and didn't just stay asleep.
Why would she get up to do that?

I must be reading this wrong, because if she got up to help you with the school run, that sounds like a bigger act of service than making coffee or toast. 

I'm going to have to assume I've misunderstood, because otherwise, to fall out with an exhausted person over toast seems petty, and a poorly timed request to have your gifts of service returned in kind.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> Maybe that is where some differ. If my W says she is not doing anything on her day off I'll be the last person to ask my W to do something for me. It is her day off from everything IMO. I expect the same in return when I state I'm doing what I want to do on my day off. My W reciprocates in kind. I truly think this not worth a battle but a conversation concerning time/day off. What is expected by and from each other. Yes, getting some bread toasted seems like a small chore. Blowing it out of proportion because it did not happen seems to be a waste of energy.


You are probably right. I think it may depend on how she treats him overall - is she as kind and thoughtful in how she treats him, or does she take his efforts for granted and seldom give?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Yeswecan said:


> Pick your battles. For me, this is a battle left alone. Your W stated, "She is off today so planning to catch up on sleep." Maybe your two definition of "off work" are different. The day was simply for herself. No taking care of customers internal and external at her place of employment. No waiting on her H. No cleaning house. No kids to attend. Simply a day off. People do deserve these type days every now and then.


People do relax in different ways. For some, surfing the net is relaxing, much the same way that reading a newspaper was relaxing during the pre digital age. You said, that's what she was doing when she turned down your request for toast. Was she in the kitchen surfing the net? Or was she just as far away or more from the kitchen as you were?


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I had a similar event many years ago, where I asked her to make something, she hemmmed and hawwwed, and it never got done. When she saw me eating that particular item, she just tossed off a line that she guessed I couldn't wait. I let it drop, until she approached me. They were having a pot luck at work, and she wanted me to make one of my signature dishes. So on the day of the pot luck, she was looking for the dish. "Sorry hon, I was going to get to it eventually, I guess you can't wait." "Oh well". I reminded her of the incident, and she got defensive then said that I was going to make her look bad. Well, sorry hon, but I will get to it. The dish was waiting for her when she got back from work. Too bad that the pot luck was about four hours ago. She was a wee bit pissed, and dumped the dish into the garbage. So, I took myself out to dinner that evening, and let her fend for herself. When I returned, she had fished my food out of the garbage and had eaten half. I reiterated my position, which she got , finally.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm so used to doing things myself, that if I can get to the kitchen I would have done it myself. Only if someone were to offer to do it for me, would I accept. When I originally read your opening post, I thought your request was so small as to be petty or testing....... much like a former coworker who would ask me to remind him about the departmental meetings. Ummm, remind yourself. Only if she were already making toast and, then, rejected my request would I be upset.


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## Mylehigh (Jul 8, 2019)

Livvie said:


> Really? Make his own toast? Then she should make her own breakfast, coffee, and if she forgets her lunch he certainly should not use his lunchtime to bring it to her.


Yup. Really.

Your suggestion that a tit for tat response would be appropriate is exactly what I refer to. Power struggles over the minutia. After a while, people in that game forget who’s titting and who’s tatting. To focus on the petty makes what is already a difficult thing to do (stay happily married for the long haul) virtually impossible. Best bet is to just grow up.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

A hard lesson for me to learn that while I may choose to do many things for others, they may choose not to do many things for me. When that happens, I have two options: continue doing what I do with no expectations or cut back on how much I do so that I’m not resentful when it’s not returned.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I need to write this, a _Minority Report_.
In all fairness to fairness.
Yes.

When totally exhausted, fried out from running hard on hard pavement...
On a hot day, yadda, yadda, look at me.

_*I get testy,*_ I stare blank holes in the computer screen trying not to go lay down on the floor and friggin collapse at 5 in the afternoon.
Don't ask me nuttin' I ain't got nothin left.

Then again I have been instructed never to use NSAIDS again. They were my saving grace.
No more!

And, I am _said to be old_.
I refuse to accept that snark!!


_THRD-_


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

turnera said:


> You could also read the book His Needs Her Needs and share it with her; it explains all this very well.


she won’t even prioritize him to make him toast - that takes 1-2 minutes! What makes you think she will prioritize enough to read a book to learn to respect him more often?

give her a taste of her own medicine - don’t bring her coffee, don’t make her life easy.

don’t do her laundry or bring her lunch when she forgets it.

when asked - Tell her you’re not prioritizing her just the way she does that to you.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

The bottom line is Facebook surfing for half an hour was more important than getting her husband, who was having a work emergency and stuck at his computer, a piece of toast. It's not like he asked for coffee, toast, eggs, and bacon. He wanted one freaking piece of toast. She could have made it while her face was in her ****ing phone, even.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

I don’t think you are wrong to feel annoyed. However, I am wondering if she is feeling more put out than you about her lot in life right now and was resentful of your request. I think this type of thing happens more and more now that some folks are WFH while others still have to go into work. Media portrays everyone WFH during all of this is as having leisurely pajama days filled with coffee, yoga and endless Netflix. That is certainly not what WFH looks like for me and I would guess not for you either. But maybe even subconsciously she feels she got the short end of the stick. Perhaps she doesn’t see your making coffee or running her lunch as sacrifices because you “have all the time in the world” - and she has very little.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Well I don't know about y'all but I'm going to make some freaking toast tonight. I just won't risk that kind of rejection over toast. I know I'm not planning on eating tonight, but my DW (bless her tiny heart) can never decide what to have for dinner. 
So with the help of PsychoCandy, I'm set for tonight, a slice of toast.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

psychocandy said:


> Generally, I'll make coffee for my wife, make her food etc. I do what I can to help her.
> She works shifts, I've been working from home for last few months. The other day she forgot her lunch so I used my 30 mins lunchtime to drive it over to her.
> 
> Like I said she worked shifts. Finished late last night fair enough.
> ...


I would spank her personally.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Laurentium said:


> Facebook is the devil.


That is what one of my best friends said as his wife used it to cheat on him and run off with another man. End TJ.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Mylehigh said:


> Yup. Really.
> 
> Your suggestion that a tit for tat response would be appropriate is exactly what I refer to. Power struggles over the minutia. After a while, people in that game forget who’s titting and who’s tatting. To focus on the petty makes what is already a difficult thing to do (stay happily married for the long haul) virtually impossible. Best bet is to just grow up.


Or spank his spoiled brat of a wife.🤠


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

psychocandy said:


> The other day she forgot her lunch so I used my 30 mins lunchtime to drive it over to her.


What I don't get is why you would do things like that in the first place. Seriously your wife is an adult, I'm sure she can work out lunch for herself, without you doing that kind of nonsense.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Is she entitled in other areas of your life with her?

are you even capable of pulling away from doing her stuff for a while?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Your 'gifts of service' to your wife are/were because you are a caring person and usually when we give, we feel good too. Expecting something back should not be part of the deal. Do what you want, what you feel comfortable with. She is the loser if she is not reciprocal. You can choose to be happy in the knowledge that you are a good, compassionate person. You cannot change her. Does this mean she loves you less? Only you know, maybe she was having a bad day. We all do.

BTW: Have some Biscotti or a protein bar for emergencies--


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## Mylehigh (Jul 8, 2019)

When reading this thread, I keep having this vision of a small child manipulating the nervous parent at meal time, refusing to eat until they get what they really want. Same game at bedtime. I’ve seen this dance play out many times between young parents who haven’t figured out how perceptive and clever children can be, and they play right into the child’s hands. It’s actually pretty pathetic to observe.

How is this relevant here? The OP and his wife are playing tiny little manipulation games and then stewing when the other doesn’t give them what they want. It really does all appear so childish. And the responses I read where theories abound aboutwhat an awful wife she is, how he should reciprocate her selfish behaviors... I’d venture a guess those posters can relate because they too play such silly little games with their SO. Or at least did until that relationship ultimately fell flat on its face and they wonder how it ever could have gone that far...

Do people envision this kind of crap when they are going to the alter and saying they want to spend their lives together? I bet not. They build their little patterns of behavior and then wear down the tracks like wagon wheels on stone over the decades. Just keep on grooving without recognizing that when you sweat the small stuff, that is what the relationship ends up being. Petty little bickers over petty little crap. With neither even recognizing it playing out over and over again.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Mylehigh said:


> When reading this thread, I keep having this vision of a small child manipulating the nervous parent at meal time, refusing to eat until they get what they really want. Same game at bedtime. I’ve seen this dance play out many times between young parents who haven’t figured out how perceptive and clever children can be, and they play right into the child’s hands. It’s actually pretty pathetic to observe.
> 
> How is this relevant here? The OP and his wife are playing tiny little manipulation games and then stewing when the other doesn’t give them what they want. It really does all appear so childish. And the responses I read where theories abound aboutwhat an awful wife she is, how he should reciprocate her selfish behaviors... I’d venture a guess those posters can relate because they too play such silly little games with their SO. Or at least did until that relationship ultimately fell flat on its face and they wonder how it ever could have gone that far...
> 
> Do people envision this kind of crap when they are going to the alter and saying they want to spend their lives together? I bet not. They build their little patterns of behavior and then wear down the tracks like wagon wheels on stone over the decades. Just keep on grooving without recognizing that when you sweat the small stuff, that is what the relationship ends up being. Petty little bickers over petty little crap. With neither even recognizing it playing out over and over again.


Who else has no idea where you got this from? What joint petty manipulation games are they playing? I've read nothing about that. Did I miss some posts by OP???

I read that she was scrolling through Facebook for half an hour and during that time refused to make him a piece of toast so he could have something to eat for breakfast while he tackled an urgent work situation. _For a husband who routinely goes out of his way to make her coffee, breakfast, and even running in her lunch to her at work when she forgot it._

It's a sad day when your spouse can't be bothered to make a piece of toast for you while they look at their precious Facebook.

What happened to general, simple (and easy, it's a freaking piece of toast!!!!!!!!!) kindness towards someone you live with???


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## Mylehigh (Jul 8, 2019)

Livvie said:


> Who else has no idea where you got this from? What joint petty manipulation games are they playing? I've read nothing about that. Did I miss some posts by OP???
> 
> I read that she was scrolling through Facebook for half an hour and during that time refused to make him a piece of toast so he could have something to eat for breakfast while he tackled an urgent work situation. _For a husband who routinely goes out of his way to make her coffee, breakfast, and even running in her lunch to her at work when she forgot it._
> 
> ...


If you don’t see it, you don’t see it.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Mylehigh said:


> If you don’t see it, you don’t see it.


Yep. Who the **** can't take 2 minutes to make a lousy piece of toast for a spouse caught up in a work situation? And nowhere do we have any information that OP is anything but giving with the many things he does for HER. There isn't any manipulation game going on.

You're making stuff up and posting as if it's real. That isn't cool.

FYI I'm blocking you, I'll never see any reply you make. 🙂🙂


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Love begets love. Meaning if you behave lovingly toward another person they will behave lovingly toward you. What happens when love doesn't beget love? A reexamination of your behavior. Perhaps, a realization that the loving acts you perform aren't valued by your partner so they don't see any reason to reciprocate. Or, maybe, realizing that you are married to a taker.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mylehigh said:


> If you don’t see it, you don’t see it.


It's not seen, because it's not there. I think your extrapolation is because you have a theory about stuff which you try to apply beyond the realms of applicability. 

It's great, in as far as it goes, but it's somewhat like a poodle trainer trying to tell a wolf trainer how they should go about their job. Yeah, they both work with canines, but that's as far as it goes.


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## Mylehigh (Jul 8, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> It's not seen, because it's not there. I think your extrapolation is because you have a theory about stuff which you try to apply beyond the realms of applicability.
> 
> It's great, in as far as it goes, but it's somewhat like a poodle trainer trying to tell a wolf trainer how they should go about their job. Yeah, they both work with canines, but that's as far as it goes.


I see quite an array of that which you have accused me of in the other replies. Some pretty far-out theories about OCD and what a selfish person she is... The very fact that this tiny little thing bothered the OP soooo much that he had to come on here and get the community perspective tells me quite clearly that there are far greater issues underlying it. To "not see" that is just a real head-scratcher for me. 

And to be "blocked" by someone that uses foul language and 100 !!!'s after her statements when someone disagrees with her... surely I was the problem there. LOL!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Sorry, but admittedly the first thing that came to mind when I saw your post, @psychocandy (after thinking of Jesus and Mary Chain this time) was wondering if you had gotten around to the attic stuff. I revisited that thread, and I think some perspectives here of others are valid in considering the 'dance' that you and your wife step to - and how this seemingly small thing bothered you so much.

Previous thread (the attic-related one / card / controlling comment)... Wife says I'm controlling?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Added after-thought, it wasn't a big ask to make you toast. If I put myself in a hypothetical mirrored scenario, let's say that Batman asked this of me and I was being inconsiderate in that moment, caught up with being on TAM or playing piano or something, I could imagine him saying after 10mins, 'How's my toast coming along?' and I'd catch myself and hop to making the toast. What I couldn't imagine would be him not saying anything (don't know if you did or not) and stewing about it afterwards. Sure, ideally the toast just gets made... and granted, I also wouldn't be 'refusing' to make the toast either.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> I would spank her personally.


oh BeHAVE!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

heartsbeating said:


> Added after-thought, it wasn't a big ask to make you toast. If I put myself in a hypothetical mirrored scenario, let's say that Batman asked this of me and I was being inconsiderate in that moment, caught up with being on TAM or playing piano or something, I could imagine him saying after 10mins, 'How's my toast coming along?' and I'd catch myself and hop to making the toast. What I couldn't imagine would be him not saying anything (don't know if you did or not) and stewing about it afterwards. Sure, ideally the toast just gets made... and granted, I also wouldn't be 'refusing' to make the toast either.


Probably because he had to jump onto that call ASAP, so had no time to do a follow up about the toast?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Mylehigh said:


> Yup. Really.
> 
> Your suggestion that a tit for tat response would be appropriate is exactly what I refer to. Power struggles over the minutia. After a while, people in that game forget who’s titting and who’s tatting. To focus on the petty makes what is already a difficult thing to do (stay happily married for the long haul) virtually impossible. Best bet is to just grow up.


It's only tit-for-tat based on your motives.

Are you trying to punish her? Yup, tit-for-tat. 

Are you doing less to avoid the building of resentment? Not tit-for-tat. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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