# I want my SO to want it the way I want it



## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

I’ve been reading a number of posts on here about people with different sex drives. Some issues are clear and obvious: one of the partners refuses to have sex, or refuses to have it often enough. I can also understand the issue with one of the partners never initiating sex, when the other craves exactly that. However, I am having troubles understanding those folks who get very upset and even hurt because their partner doesn’t want sex the way it’s expected. I am not dismissing the issue – I just don’t understand it. Some folks complain that their SO is not interested enough in sex as in “doesn’t think about it, doesn’t anticipate it, yet participates and the experience overall is quite satisfying.” What’s the problem then? If LD partner is willing to make efforts to meet your needs, then what is the problem? Yes, LD doesn’t think about it all the time like HD does, but LD is willing to work on it. Yes, it will be the situation when LD gives what HD wants, not that LD wants the same thing, the same way, but the point is that LD truly wants to make HD happy. Isn’t it enough??? :scratchhead:

We all are very different. There are no two people in the world who think, feel, express their feelings, and prioritize things in the same manner. Some differences are crucial. Others can and should be worked out or around. 

I think the issue is with the expectations.

HD wants LD to just grow libido all of a sudden. LD wants HD to lose said libido all of a sudden. Shouldn’t LD make an effort to give HD what HD wants, and shouldn’t HD appreciate that gift?

It seems like some HD folks have unreasonable expectations, as in: I want my LD partner to think about sex, to want sex, to put it on top of the priority list and do it all sincerely and from the hart. Really?? 

I have somewhat of a problem, which I posted about. At the moment, the issue is resolved. However, I do realize that when we made love last time it was because I asked for it, not because he was thinking about it, wanting it, etc… But he made an effort to make me happy despite of what’s on top of his priority list. And that makes me the happiest woman in the world! He heard me. He values my happiness. He make steps to make me happier. *I* am on top of his priority list!!! Maybe not sex, but *I*! He used to be a sex terrorist – aroused and ready 24/7, but then he developed some health issues and his sex drive plummeted. Because of his health issues, he has to stay on a strict diet, which doesn’t include any good food. First of all, it made my duty of cooking much harder. Secondly, I stopped eating food that’s bad for him, too (at least at home, where we have 95% of dinners). It will be tempting for him, so I support him by not even having it in the house. It’s not like I do not want all that tasty stuff, but I gladly do it for him because I love him! Same goes for sex – he may not feel sexual as often as I do, but he does it for me. Isn’t it something to be happy about that he cares enough to override his own desires and priority lists with mine?! 

Maybe if you look at a problem from a different angle, it’s no longer a problem? 

I am really-really not dismissing anyone’s issues. I am just sharing the way I see the same issues, which also manifested in my life. But I do believe that if my husband wants to make me happy, then that’s a reason enough to be happy.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I agree totally.

I would take it a step further.

If a wife has sex because her husband wants to, that makes her a great wife.

If a wife has sex because she wants to, that says something about her sexuality but not necessarily her qualities as a wife.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Hicks said:


> I agree totally.
> 
> I would take it a step further.
> 
> ...


Hicks, I think you are touching on selflessness v. selfishness.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

The issue is about compatibility and wanting to feel like you're with the right person. One who want what you want, feels what you feel. Not settling for someone fundamentally incompatible.

It's easy for someone with a compatible spouse or someone used to settling to dismiss someone who is not.


----------



## Big Dude (Feb 24, 2013)

rubymoon said:


> However, I am having troubles understanding those folks who get very upset and even hurt because their partner doesn’t want sex the way it’s expected. I am not dismissing the issue – I just don’t understand it. .


People are different, and it is sometimes hard to understand why some people can look at identical situations and react to them differently. Some people don't enjoy oral sex, and to people that do enjoy oral it can seem incomprehensible that another human being doesn't.

Some people are gay, and given the way most societies are structured it can be hard to live a normal life with this kind of sexual preference. Some people feel that gay folks should change their outlook and "pray the gay away" or whatever because obviously once they do that they will fit in better with others and be happier in the long run.

It's pretty clear from the popularity of the sex industry and casual sex that lots of people are perfectly happy with sex lives that don't require their partners to desire them. And I agree that those people are more likely to be satisfied sexually overall in a wide variety of relationship types.

For those of us that do require our sexual partners to desire us, sex with a willing but non- desiring partner feels, well, kind of rapey, or disconnected, or something. It's a hard feeling to describe, but it's bad. And to MARRY such a partner is particularly bad, because we then forego the opportunity to partner with somebody else who is truly compatible.

Those of us who require desire are probably outliers to some degree. That might be why we are hard for you to understand.


----------



## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> One who want what you want, feels what you feel.


Uni-minded?.. 

In my experience, if you meet someone who wants what you want, and who thinks the same way you think, and who feels the same way you do, then that person wants and needs something completely different. And to get it from you, that person will pretend that your desires/wishes/feelings/thoughts match. In reality it never happens.


----------



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

If your spouse never spontaneously wants to have sex with you of their own volition, it can make you feel undesirable. I don't want to feel like my partner is just tolerating me when we have sex. I want him to want me.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

rubymoon said:


> Uni-minded?..
> 
> 
> 
> In my experience, if you meet someone who wants what you want, and who thinks the same way you think, and who feels the same way you do, then that person wants and needs something completely different. And to get it from you, that person will pretend that your desires/wishes/feelings/thoughts match. In reality it never happens.



This is just another way of dismissing someone else's preferences.


----------



## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

Big Dude said:


> For those of us that do require our sexual partners to desire us..


If a person is willing to sacrifice for you, then how is that person not-desiring you? He/she goes above and beyond to make you happy. Isn't it a true desire? And not just some general deisre driven by hormones, but a true desire to make YOU and only YOU happy. 



Big Dude said:


> willing but non- desiring partner


That's not what I am talking about. That's "letting you do it to them", not "wanting to make you happy". If your SO truely wants to make you happy, then he/she will enjoy the experiece for your happiness if nothing else. And it will be sincere and very fulfilling.


----------



## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

Big Dude said:


> And to MARRY such a partner is particularly bad, because we then forego the opportunity to partner with somebody else who is truly compatible.


Since you brought up MARRIAGE:

That would be a valid statement if people stayed exactly the way they are throughout their lives. But people change! You may marry someone who is fully compatible with you, but a few years later that person gets sick and is no longer on the same page with you. So, would you just divorce and go on looking for another compatible partner? That's a spirit for marriage...  

Don't dismiss that you may end up on the bad end of the situation, too...


----------



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

rubymoon said:


> If a person is willing to sacrifice for you, then how is that person not-desiring you? He/she goes above and beyond to make you happy. Isn't it a true desire? And not just some general deisre driven by hormones, but a true desire to make YOU and only YOU happy.


You kind of allude to the problem yourself when you use the word "sacrifice". No - your partner may be doing something to make you happy (which should be appreciated) but it's not the same thing as feeling attracted to you or desiring you sexually.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon rubymoon
I think that there are three very different things going on:

1) A sexual gift. Your spouse does something sexual for you - just for YOU. Maybe they don't particularly want sex, or particularly want that specific sex act but they do it to make you happy because they love you. That is a wonderful thing once in a while. Done too much though it can make you fell guilty.


2). Sexual desire. Your spouse WANTS you. They want to tear your clothes off because they just can't resist your hotness. This is extremely emotionally gratifying for most people. Done too much though you might start to feel that they think about you as a sex object.


3) Mutual sex- where you enjoy each other. This is wonderful and leaves everyone happy and loving. Done too much though it can become a bit dull without the edge of the other two, can become a routine. 

I think all of these are great, and best if the various types are mixed together. 

Of course if you really don't desire the other person, then doing #1 is still FAR better than doing nothing.


----------



## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

firebelly1 said:


> You kind of allude to the problem yourself when you use the word "sacrifice". No - your partner may be doing something to make you happy (which should be appreciated) but it's not the same thing as feeling attracted to you or desiring you sexually.


May be using the wrong word - sorry. English is not my native language. 

No, it's not the same. But it's still good. IMHO.


----------



## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good afternoon rubymoon
> I think that there are three very different things going on:
> 
> 1) A sexual gift. Your spouse does something sexual for you - just for YOU. Maybe they don't particularly want sex, or particularly want that specific sex act but they do it to make you happy because they love you. That is a wonderful thing once in a while. Done too much though it can make you fell guilty.
> ...


Totally agree.


----------



## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

rubymoon said:


> May be using the wrong word - sorry. English is not my native language.
> 
> No, it's not the same. But it's still good. IMHO.


So that's the thing about it -- you want them to WANT TO have sex with you. If they are just doing it as a sacrifice, it completely eliminates the entire point. The problem with it, is suddenly you start to feel like your spouse doesn't sexually desire you, there is no sexual attraction. They love you, they care for you, but they might as well be your brother or sister.... 

If there isn't this reciprocal sexual attraction, ever (or very rarely) then it just starts to feel like a great friendship not a marriage.

Can you see the difference?


----------



## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good afternoon rubymoon
> I think that there are three very different things going on:
> 
> 1) A sexual gift. Your spouse does something sexual for you - just for YOU. Maybe they don't particularly want sex, or particularly want that specific sex act but they do it to make you happy because they love you. That is a wonderful thing once in a while. Done too much though it can make you fell guilty.
> ...


I disagree with that last sentence. If you don't desire the other person, then what is going on? You are being dishonest and misleading, and your "gift" is really just an empty action that is giving them something totally different than they think and you are using it to likely delay an inevitably painful conversation. It may be used as a temporary solution, but ultimately you owe it to yourself and to your spouse to be attracted to them and if you're not, then they need to know about it.


----------



## Big Dude (Feb 24, 2013)

rubymoon said:


> Since you brought up MARRIAGE:
> 
> That would be a valid statement if people stayed exactly the way they are throughout their lives. But people change!


You and I might just have to agree to disagree about this. I truly believe that most people's core character does not change past maturity. And I believe that your sexual nature is part of your core character. When external factors like illness come into play, some specific activities might be taken off the table but if the core sexual compatibility is there those issues can be lovingly worked around.

Like you, I used to think that willingness=desire, so I think that some time ago I might have agreed with your analysis. I now consider that equation to be naïve. YMMV.


----------



## mpgunner (Jul 15, 2014)

Communicate: If you want/desire to have sex - say so. Mind reading doesn't work in a marriage. 

I love asking my wife. And I really love it when she asks (even surprises) me. What is nice, she is asking more and more out of the blue. Ahh, the things I have to tolerate with my wife.


----------



## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

Big Dude said:


> You and I might just have to agree to disagree about this. I truly believe that most people's core character does not change past maturity. And I believe that your sexual nature is part of your core character. When external factors like illness come into play, some specific activities might be taken off the table but if the core sexual compatibility is there those issues can be lovingly worked around.
> 
> Like you, I used to think that willingness=desire, so I think that some time ago I might have agreed with your analysis. I now consider that equation to be naïve. YMMV.


First of all, I do NOT think that willingness = desire. And I do see the difference between friendship and love. Etc... I am NOT saying it's the same thing. I am saying that it's not that big of a problem, if sencere willingness is there. It's not an ideal situation, but it's not a problem. 

Secondly, sexual desire is a function of your body chemistry, which changes with age, health factors, even climate and environment! It is not, never was and never will be a part of your core character. It's pure, pretty well studied and explained CHEMISTRY!


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

My dh desires me and is always ready for sex. Even if I were not thinking about it beforehand, I can quickly get in gear.

But even times when I was not in gear, when I was breastfeeding and tired and had little ones keeping me busy all day and part of the night, dh still enjoyed sex with me. He does not need my desire to make it pleasurable for him, I guess. He told me it is better when I am really into it, but it is still good when I am just available, period.

From all the reading I have done on TAM, I have come to the conclusion that this must just be a fundamental difference among men. Some truly need their wives to be passionate every time they have sex. Without that affirmation from their wives, they do not feel complete. It is their truth.


----------



## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

rubymoon said:


> First of all, I do NOT think that willingness = desire. And I do see the difference between friendship and love. Etc... I am NOT saying it's the same thing. I am saying that it's not that big of a problem, if sencere willingness is there. It's not an ideal situation, but it's not a problem.
> 
> Secondly, sexual desire is a function of your body chemistry, which changes with age, health factors, even climate and environment! It is not, never was and never will be a part of your core character. It's pure, pretty well studied and explained CHEMISTRY!


Just to clarify, are sexual desire and sexual attraction being used interchangeably? I thought they were two different things. Sexual desire being the desire to have sex (any sex), and sexual attraction being the feeling you get when interacting with your spouse which would then stimulate sexual desire.


----------



## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

jld said:


> My dh desires me and is always ready for sex. Even if I were not thinking about it beforehand, I can quickly get in gear.
> 
> But even times when I was not in gear, when I was breastfeeding and tired and had little ones keeping me busy all day and part of the night, dh still enjoyed sex with me. He does not need my desire to make it pleasurable for him, I guess. He told me it is better when I am really into it, but it is still good when I am just available, period.
> 
> From all the reading I have done on TAM, I have come to the conclusion that this must just be a fundamental difference among men. Some truly need their wives to be passionate every time they have sex. Without that affirmation from their wives, they do not feel complete. It is their truth.


I agree that it likely varies, though I don't know if any men really need their spouse to be into it EVERY time. Just as long as she is into it sometimes, then the other times it's OK if she isn't. For me personally, the problem is that my wife is NEVER into it...


----------



## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

To follow up to my post above, when I ask her how "into it" she is today, she will say "0" and laugh that "It's a good thing, because typically it's a negative number." She has never been more into it than 0, but often less than 0.


----------



## Big Dude (Feb 24, 2013)

jld said:


> From all the reading I have done on TAM, I have come to the conclusion that this must just be a fundamental difference among men.
> 
> *Imagine that! *
> 
> ...


----------



## Big Dude (Feb 24, 2013)

rubymoon said:


> Secondly, sexual desire is a function of your body chemistry, which changes with age, health factors, even climate and environment! It is not, never was and never will be a part of your core character. It's pure, pretty well studied and explained CHEMISTRY!


Sexual desire is affected by those things. It is not changed by those things.

You started this thread with a question about understanding some people's sexual preferences. Many have replied with thoughtful attempts to help you understand. 

You don't understand because you don't want to understand. I see that your original question was disingenuous, you've got your own sexual ideology to promote and any evidence to the contrary cannot by definition be true.

Peace.


----------



## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

James2020 said:


> Just to clarify, are sexual desire and sexual attraction being used interchangeably? I thought they were two different things. Sexual desire being the desire to have sex (any sex), and sexual attraction being the feeling you get when interacting with your spouse which would then stimulate sexual desire.


Sorry. Yes, those are different. You are correct.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

jld said:


> My dh desires me and is always ready for sex. Even if I were not thinking about it beforehand, I can quickly get in gear.
> 
> But even times when I was not in gear, when I was breastfeeding and tired and had little ones keeping me busy all day and part of the night, dh still enjoyed sex with me. He does not need my desire to make it pleasurable for him, I guess. He told me it is better when I am really into it, but it is still good when I am just available, period.
> 
> From all the reading I have done on TAM, I have come to the conclusion that this must just be a fundamental difference among men. Some truly need their wives to be passionate every time they have sex. Without that affirmation from their wives, they do not feel complete. It is their truth.


Really? So Dug is cool with it if you just lay there like a blow up doll letting him do his thing, waiting for it to be over with. That doesn't make you feel like a tool being used for his orgasm? That doesn't make you feel like you could be any warm body?


----------



## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

Big Dude said:


> Sexual desire is affected by those things. It is not changed by those things.
> 
> You started this thread with a question about understanding some people's sexual preferences. Many have replied with thoughtful attempts to help you understand.
> 
> ...


Well, I am just talking about a general topic. But I guess, since I didn't agree with you, then my question is disingenuous.

Some men do that, actually. In their minds, a conversation is limited by two words "Yes" and "No". LOL. So, no, my question is actually genuous, but I am a WOMAN, and I engage in actual conversations over sometimes absolutely nothing.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If there was a standard that everything someone wanted needed to be performed to the "passion level" of the person asking for it, there would never be any marriage.

Let's say my wife really needs a clean house for her quality of life. Does she need me to inside my own head also passionately desire a clean house? She really mostly cares that I do my part, don't require nagging, and don't complain about having to keep things tidy.


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Big Dude said:


> For those of us that do require our sexual partners to desire us, sex with a willing but non- desiring partner feels, well, kind of rapey, or disconnected, or something. It's a hard feeling to describe, but it's bad.


:iagree:


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

rubymoon said:


> Well, I am just talking about a general topic. But I guess, since I didn't agree with you, then my question is disingenuous.


I think rubymoon has an opinion, and is wondering what others' opinions are. I think it is an interesting topic.

We don't all have to agree. It is actually more interesting when we disagree. We learn more that way.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Big Dude
I think it depends on details that are difficult to put in words. It is possible to enjoy pleasing you partner even when you don't feel like sex yourself, or it can feel like you are being coerced or degraded.

The first is completely fine, the second of course isn't. 



Big Dude said:


> For those of us that do require our sexual partners to desire us, sex with a willing but non- desiring partner feels, well, kind of rapey, or disconnected, or something. It's a hard feeling to describe, but it's bad. And to MARRY such a partner is particularly bad, because we then forego the opportunity to partner with somebody else who is truly compatible.


----------



## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

I didn't mean to start a war or to dismiss anyone's issues... Sorry if it came out this way... But I had my own personal revelation just a couple of days ago. I posted on here about my issues with my husband - lack of sex, intimacy, etc. I got a lot of support, valid advise, and very accurate assessment of my own feelings which I couldn't put in words. Much like other folks, I firmly believed that if my H has no sexual interest, then it's not even worth trying. It's not that he doesn't find me attractive (he is not blind), but due to valid reasons, his libido drastically diminished. And it was like the end of sexual life for me, because I didn't want to do it with him unless he wasn't into it as much as I was. I didn't want to MAKE him do things he wasn't up to, etc... 

Then we had a serious talk and he promised to "fix the issue". 

I am not an idiot to believe that his problems went away overnight. I clearly realize that he is doing things for ME. And I am fine with it, because he enjoys it for what it is - making me happy! His heart is in it, it's just his hormones are not there. And I do not see a problem any longer. Not at all. 

It's like giving Christmas gifts. Yes, I spend a lot of money and time buying them, but I do enjoy giving them just as much as I enjoy receiving them. 

So, I think that as long as your partner sincerely enjoys making your happy, then it is not a problem. Just in my humble opinion. 

Yes, it may be not Hollywood ideal situation, where partners rip each other's cloth off every time they see each other, but it is sooooo much more than that! If we can learn to work through problems like that and still be happy with each other (he learns to enjoy giving, while I learn to receive it with appreciation), then we are two very lucky and super compatible people! And it's not about sex drive. It's about how each one of us sees the issue at hands.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Really? So Dug is cool with it if you just lay there like a blow up doll letting him do his thing, waiting for it to be over with. That doesn't make you feel like a tool being used for his orgasm? That doesn't make you feel like you could be any warm body?


He says it is better when I am into it, but it was still pretty good even when I was not. Little kids take a lot out of a mom.

No, I don't feel used, not at all. He is my husband, WOM. And I love him. Sex is always very loving between us. Dug is very affirming. He adores my body, and I know he loves _me._

Neither of us gets this idea that the woman has to be 100% every time or it is a fail. Dug accepts me the way I am. If I felt pressure to be a certain way, that would be uncomfortable.

Basically, WOM, I want to please my husband. I want him to be happy. I want to be a good wife, as my husband defines good wife.

And if I could not please him, I would not want to be with him. I don't want to feel like a failure.


----------



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Hicks said:


> If there was a standard that everything someone wanted needed to be performed to the "passion level" of the person asking for it, there would never be any marriage.
> 
> Let's say my wife really needs a clean house for her quality of life. Does she need me to inside my own head also passionately desire a clean house? She really mostly cares that I do my part, don't require nagging, and don't complain about having to keep things tidy.


In my posts I often interchange sex and housekeeping but in this case it just isn't the same. You know that right? But, okay. Sounds like you're saying you don't need your partner to desire you sexually or be attracted to you. Not true for everyone.


----------



## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

firebelly1 said:


> In my posts I often interchange sex and housekeeping but in this case it just isn't the same. You know that right? But, okay. Sounds like you're saying you don't need your partner to desire you sexually or be attracted to you. Not true for everyone.


He didn't say that at all. 

You do realize that your partner gets sexually attracted to other women, too, don't you? Do you want to get in his head and censor those thoughts and desires? If not, then it's easy to understand what he said.


----------

