# Don't know what to do.



## Tyker (May 4, 2013)

I have been married 23 years and over the last couple of years my husband has gotten where he will not talk to me about anything concerning our relationship. We have fallen into a pattern where I want to talk and he refused to say anything and then I get extremely frustrated. I want to know what he thinks and feels. I don't understand.


----------



## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

I've been married 27 years and my husband is the same way. He just shuts down and waits for things to blow over. So annoying. It always amazes me around here, seeing men who actually WANT to talk about relationships and spend time out of their day doing it. My husband would rather have all his fingernails and toenails yanked off. 

Obviously I have no answers for you, but good luck!


----------



## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Confront him, call him out, tell he how you feel and don't hold back. Don't allow him to blow it off.

If you're not totally honest and it will only continue...


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

You might have to backdoor him to get things started. 

For example if you want to know if he wants to spice up your sex life (this example assumes its very mundane not saying that's true for you ). You could say something like "I read an article that said most women like to role play with sex. Humph! I bet you would say "WTH!" if I dressed up for sex, huh?". If you get any kind of verbal response you could take it from there. Like if he said just "yep" you could reply with "yeah but I bet the soldier would be standing at attention in no time if I did it" then lead the conversation to how feel about things and get deeper and deeper into it. 

Something along those lines.


----------



## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Ususually, but not always, we men just have no idea its as serious a problem as it is till its too late to fix it. Talking, yelling, screaming just doesnt seem to be enough to bring the problems (yes its gonna be multiple) out in the open. I know its crazy but the 2 decade plus couples find that the rut of the marriage is so deep, they just cant (or even more scary, not know theres a rut in the first place) see out over its edge anymore. The complacent man figures time will heal all wounds. It really make things worse. So, basically, if what your doing hasn't worked, try some thing DIFFERENT.

First you need to decide what it is you want from him, and then what you want from the marriage, what your willing to do to fix the marriage (be careful saying "i'll do anything" cause sometimes that isn't even enough) Write these things down. Now for the part that might sound real drastic, and it is, but its the first move in your chess game of doing it different. ASK for a trail separation of 3-4 weeks. (Understand separation does not mean MOVE OUT, but it does mean moving to an extra bedroom/living room with no sex)This is a very scary move, because A. some husbands have been looking for exactly this, and then the wife is shocked the problems are deeper than they thought, or B. husband is so in shock the marriage is in this much trouble, he immediately starts making changes, altho short lived to try to fix the situation NOW not for the long term.

I know I know this all seems very drastic, and you have to decide whether you really want to open this up to face it. How much wrong, in your eyes, is really wrong with the marriage. Understand that if you don't get some issues out now, you might go another 5-10 years with a roommate, you no longer know or even love. Do you love your husband but falling/fell out of love with him??

Ok, you made the first drastic step of trying to attack this differently. Hope you got the response you wanted, and are not a crying mess wondering why he/she doesn't seem to care. But, now what do you do with it? Still in shock that he agreed with a separation, or hopefully for you, shocked that this woke him up and he wants to talk. This might even come down to the idea you've set your separation dates, which, he thinks its a good idea, you set some boundries, and as the time gets closer to the start date he realizes your not kidding, and this is a PROBLEM. Be patient that you might not even get an answer right away, maybe have to let it sink in overnight.

Ok, so now you've got his attention, hopefully. God help ya if he still didn't twitch. This is your chance to get out the piece of paper with your issues and say whats on your mind. Hopefully he's willing to address issues now, and you can shelve the separation idea while working on some issues. Maybe the separation is gonna happen. For the marriages in more trouble than even you knew, this is your chance to put some rules/boundries down about the separation, set a time frame, set some basic rules, bill paying, kids/grandkids duties, fidelity, etc etc. I know this is scary talk, and further than you thought this might get, but this is why you have/had to ask these questions before this stage, and be ready for the answers. Anyways, the talk of bills, time frame etc will really open his eyes after a day or two. And for the marriages on their last legs, it might just be the final blow.

As part of the list you made about the marriage, first should always be marriage counseling, some of these old rut/complacency issue get buried so deep it needs a neutral 3rd party expert to help dig them out. Also realize that the issues are a two way street. You think your able to voice some opinions, but a lot forget to understand, this also opens him up to telling you what HE thinks is wrong.

This is a critical stage, cause, both of you will need to be able to LISTEN to each other, not ridicule, belittle, brush off, or rug sweep the others ones issue/s. Its important to understand that altho you have an issue with quality time together, he might have an issue with your negativity for example. JUST AN EXAMPLE. Getting those issues out is not only critical, you have to be able deal with them without the partner just walking out. STAY CALM, make sure as he's venting you are NOT judgemental, sure some arguing might happen but its important to stay FOCUSED. Its also important that you don't bring a list of 25 things to the table, don't overload the situation and make it seem hopeless to even try. Get the priorities out first, build a basis of communication, trust, understanding, and finally resolution. This phase is called " negociating", this cant be a one sided, winner take all conversation. But you have to be willing to take the critisim as much as give it, just stay/keep it positive.

Understand that some of these issue could be so deep, so buried, they could take months or a year to get addressed. The most important thing you can be doing is LISTENING, not airing your differences. Its a time to look in the mirror as much as your willing to point fingers. Some issues, like drinking, or heaven forbid : abuse, infidelity WILL TAKE TIME AND A 3RD PARTY TO GET THRU IF YOU DECIDE YOU WANT TO GET THIS FIXED. Also realize that after a couple of weeks, you or him, or even both might come to the conclusion its over and not worth trying to fix. I surely hope not, but some do tend to just "give up" as it seems daunting. 

So basically you really need to decide BEFORE you get started, if you willing to even get started?!?!?! Stay positive, stay strong, and be supportive. Hopefully you get the results you want, realize its gonna take some work, but isn't your marriage/family worth it???


----------

