# My husband's fetishes are ruining our relationship



## JoJoB (3 mo ago)

There is a huge backlog to this story as he was my first love and after 17 years apart we reunited after I left my abusive ex husband. We have overcome a great deal to get where we are and I lost pretty much all of my toxic family which I'm still grieving. I'm also in intensive therapy for issues going back to childhood. My husband was wonderful - kind, considerate and immediately put me on the deeds to his house etc whereas my ex wouldn't even share a bank account! He took me mountain biking, kayaking, walking, out for meals etc.

My husband has always been kinky and I'm no prude and have indulged him but he now wants to be a transvestite/lady boy? He wants a boob job and he also wants to live a Sub/Dom lifestyle including regular beatings. This makes him very happy and then he "worships" me but I feel resentful that although he is generally sunny natured, he can't be attentive without the kinks.

I believe he is on the Asperger's spectrum and I believe I was his obsession for the first few years of our relationship where he was super attentive and did loads of normal relationship stuff with me. Now, all he wants to do is play on the computer or do fetish stuff. I've repeatedly told him how I feel - that I would like him to take me out once a week, help more in the house etc but he doesn't seem to think he should do anything he doesn't want to do that isn't "fun". He wants me to be happy and have fun but thinks I should do that outside the context of our relationship or join in with what he finds fun and it is exhausting. I feel very alone and that our life is run how he wants it - for example - the computer is in the living room meaning I get no peace. He is now early retired and 12 years older than me and seems to have turned into a hermit. He will occasionally do something outside the house but the effort has to come from me and he does it under sufferance.

I feel I've been super accomodating. I even let him go into a non local town dressed as a woman but it was very scary for me. I've now asked him to keep the cross dressing/calling me mistress etc to the evening but he has now spiralled into depression (he hardly ever gets depressed). Any boundaries I put in place are ignored. I've asked him not to go outside in the yard dressed as a woman but he does. We have to keep the curtains closed in the daytime and if I want to do anything "normal" I usually end up doing it alone.

He says he makes no demands on me. I can go out with friends/have free reign re money etc but he doesn't seem to realise he does make demands by the way he wants to live. His obsessions are all consuming and if I try to implement boundaries, he pushes them all the time. I don't believe it's malicious. He is generally a soft hearted, placid person but seems Clueless regarding the effect his actions have on others and how normal relationships work. For instance, if I asked him to buy fetish stuff he'd be straight on it yet I've been asking for months for a wood burning stove and am accused of nagging when I repeatedly ask for him to get the process started.

I am at an absolute loss. I've lost my entire family and now it's pretty much us although I do have an amazing mother in law who I have confided in because his dad was similar! So what do I do when I adore him, want him to be happy but feel disrespected and and unloved unless he is living life as he wants?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

JoJoB said:


> There is a huge backlog to this story as he was my first love and after 17 years apart we reunited after I left my abusive ex husband. We have overcome a great deal to get where we are and I lost pretty much all of my toxic family which I'm still grieving. I'm also in intensive therapy for issues going back to childhood. My husband was wonderful - kind, considerate and immediately put me on the deeds to his house etc whereas my ex wouldn't even share a bank account! He took me mountain biking, kayaking, walking, out for meals etc.
> 
> My husband has always been kinky and I'm no prude and have indulged him but he now wants to be a transvestite/lady boy? He wants a boob job and he also wants to live a Sub/Dom lifestyle including regular beatings. This makes him very happy and then he "worships" me but I feel resentful that although he is generally sunny natured, he can't be attentive without the kinks.
> 
> ...


He may be ignoring the boundaries but that doesn't mean you have to. You can say no to any of this that you want to say no to. You certainly don't have to accommodate him on this stuff. I'm not even sure you could if you wanted to. 

Just tell him no whenever you want to. If he doesn't even get out of the house I don't know how he's living this stuff out. But you did say you went to a neighboring town and you also said he's pretty much told you can go do whatever you want so that just tells me he's doing whatever he wants when he does go out of the house. 

At some point you need to just not agree and put your boundaries up and then if neither one of you is happy then maybe this just isn't a lasting union.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

He has arrived at the pinnacle of _Left Wing Progressiveness._

There is no longer any thought of, "Jeeze, what's next?"

It has fully arrived.

Sorry, welcome to Babylon, to chaos.

Just say no, to his mental illness.

You lost him, he lost himself to this destructive, and latest, _Neptunian Age._

Get away from him, this craziness is contagious.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

For many women, probably most, this would be a step too far. His sexuality is very skewed and he completely disrespects any boundaries you have set. Personally, I would say that if he wants to persue this way of life it won't be with you.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He can't expect a straight woman to be attracted to him as a woman. You might just tell him you're not a lesbian and no thank you. But I'm afraid this is the start of a lifestyle you're not going to have any place in.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

JoJoB said:


> There is a huge backlog to this story as he was my first love and after 17 years apart we reunited after I left my abusive ex husband. We have overcome a great deal to get where we are and I lost pretty much all of my toxic family which I'm still grieving. I'm also in intensive therapy for issues going back to childhood. My husband was wonderful - kind, considerate and immediately put me on the deeds to his house etc whereas my ex wouldn't even share a bank account! He took me mountain biking, kayaking, walking, out for meals etc.
> 
> My husband has always been kinky and I'm no prude and have indulged him but he now wants to be a transvestite/lady boy? He wants a boob job and he also wants to live a Sub/Dom lifestyle including regular beatings. This makes him very happy and then he "worships" me but I feel resentful that although he is generally sunny natured, he can't be attentive without the kinks.
> 
> ...


I'm all about trying fetishes/kinks whatever at least once, however, this is a little beyond the pale. This is a lifestyle change so you have every right to run and run fast from this. Sorry, sounds like you've had bad luck so far with men.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

No way you should accept a manlady for a husband. He wants boobs? Does he work in public? Is he a professional?


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

I'm sorry you are going through this. From what you have written, he does seem to be fixated on this. Have you suggested that he get some hobbies? He needs to have something else going on in his life.

A couple of other thought from your post. I don't know a lot about dom/sub type relationships, but from what I have read and studied you two are going to struggle doing that. It sound like he trying to dominate you into being his dome. And it doesn't sound like he listens to your wants/rules/desires, but he is trying to set them how he wants them. I'm not sure if this fits the description of "topping from the bottom", but it outside of what a healthy dom/sub relationship would do. If you were really the mistress, he would dress the way you want when you want, etc. 

You have a lot of things to work on with your husband. Including figuring out where your own boundaries are. I wish you the best.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I would run so fast from this guy that he'd have to FedEx my shadow to me the next day.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I’m going to just keep it simple and say that you’re not compatible. 😟 Like really not compatible and it just sounds like you’ll have to morph into someone you’re not comfortable being at all, in order to stay with him. If it were me, I would definitely move on.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

This didn't come out of nowhere. He knew this is what he wanted before he wooed you into marrying him. He is manipulative, but it's hard to recognize that, because he seems so "nice." He's nice, because he's trying to trap you into the little world he is creating. Now that he did so much for you, why would you deny him his happiness sort of thing. That is manipulation right there.

You are feeling bad about leaving, because of all that he's given you, which is exactly where he wants you. Find an attorney. File for divorce and be done with the charade.


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## Loves Coffee (4 mo ago)

If this guy wasn't dressed like a ladyboy when you walked down the aisle then yes this is a bait and switch. You should leave before it gets worse or the FBI vans your house for images on that computer.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

JoJoB said:


> There is a huge backlog to this story as he was my first love and after 17 years apart we reunited after I left my abusive ex husband. We have overcome a great deal to get where we are and I lost pretty much all of my toxic family which I'm still grieving. I'm also in intensive therapy for issues going back to childhood. My husband was wonderful - kind, considerate and immediately put me on the deeds to his house etc whereas my ex wouldn't even share a bank account! He took me mountain biking, kayaking, walking, out for meals etc.
> 
> My husband has always been kinky and I'm no prude and have indulged him but he now wants to be a transvestite/lady boy? He wants a boob job and he also wants to live a Sub/Dom lifestyle including regular beatings. This makes him very happy and then he "worships" me but I feel resentful that although he is generally sunny natured, he can't be attentive without the kinks.
> 
> ...


Sorry, but this guy sounds super weird, even scary in-fact.
You`ve had many negative experiences with other people and I can tell you, it`s not so bad being single.
Better off to be your own independent person and not have to deal with other people`s crap.
I had an abusive childhood, family put downs and so-called friends that have let me down in the past and eventually cut them out of my life, I felt such a lot better because people can be hard work.
You can join social clubs and groups where you will meet new interesting people and make new friends. Who knows you may find your Mr Right.
Think about it.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

JoJoB said:


> I've lost my entire family and now it's pretty much us although I do have an amazing mother in law who I have confided in because his dad was similar!


What does this mean? Was his father also getting weird as he got older?

There is clearly something mental going on with your husband. Some mental deciline maybe. 
It's not going to get better.
You're ridding a dead horse. 

You have to work on yourself. Otherwise you'll keep ending up with problematic partners. First step is to get rid of this demaged one. 
From there you can start heal.

Looks like every post suggests the same. The horse is dead.


You left your family, but you replaced one toxicity with another. You haven't got a step further in life. Yet! He isn't the solution to your happiness.

Leaving him might feel like going a step or two steps backwards, but you'll have to step back first if you want to take a big jump.


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## JoJoB (3 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He may be ignoring the boundaries but that doesn't mean you have to. You can say no to any of this that you want to say no to. You certainly don't have to accommodate him on this stuff. I'm not even sure you could if you wanted to.
> 
> Just tell him no whenever you want to. If he doesn't even get out of the house I don't know how he's living this stuff out. But you did say you went to a neighboring town and you also said he's pretty much told you can go do whatever you want so that just tells me he's doing whatever he wants when he does go out of the house.
> 
> At some point you need to just not agree and put your boundaries up and then if neither one of you is happy then maybe this just isn't a lasting union.


Thanks for the reply. He only really leaves the house to walk the dogs locally when he wears slightly girly clothing. The trip out where he dressed as a girl, I went with him naively thinking it would be enough for a while.


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## JoJoB (3 mo ago)

Thanks for all your replies. Tbh I do feel manipulated. I feel partly to blame because I am up for experimentation and have a naughty/cheeky side within a relationship but this has gradually gone way too far. It's so hard when I've continually lost homes and people I've put my all into and my mental health has been destroyed in the process. If it hadn't have been for him, I would have never got out of the situation I had unknowingly got myself in before but it seems I've exchanged one toxic situation for another.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Fine with the fetishes, but when they condition your life so much, it's time to get out.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> Fine with the fetishes, but when they condition your life so much, it's time to get out.


I completely agree with this. Kinks won't mess with the rest of your life. Fetishes will become the priority and will mrss with the rest of your life.

Honestly this sounds like a journey he needs to take alone. You're not getting anything out of it. You may catch a disease as well. If there are kids obviously this will be confusing to them.


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## JoJoB (3 mo ago)

He now says he won't do anything like that but he can't pretend he's not happy about it. I don't know if I'm being manipulated or his Asperger's makes him the way he is.


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## JoJoB (3 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I completely agree with this. Kinks won't mess with the rest of your life. Fetishes will become the priority and will mrss with the rest of your life.
> 
> Honestly this sounds like a journey he needs to take alone. You're not getting anything out of it. You may catch a disease as well. If there are kids obviously this will be confusing to them.


I'm not going to catch a disease lol. He might be into fetish but not with outsiders. He wants to do it with me plus he hardly leaves the house!


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

JoJoB said:


> I don't know if I'm being manipulated or his Asperger's makes him the way he is.


Might be a combination of both...


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

JoJoB said:


> He now says he won't do anything like that but he can't pretend he's not happy about it. I don't know if I'm being manipulated or his Asperger's makes him the way he is.


It is manipulation. I'm sorry, but your husband is a lost cause. He has serious mental issues based on what you are saying here. I mean, he wants to go through body modification. Think about that. DO you really want to be married to a "man" with boobs and dresses like a woman? If so, you may want to look inward for what may be wrong with you.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> It is manipulation. I'm sorry, but your husband is a lost cause. He has serious mental issues based on what you are saying here. I mean, he wants to go through body modification. Think about that. DO you really want to be married to a "man" with boobs and dresses like a woman? If so, you may want to look inward for what may be wrong with you.


A lot of people that go through that end up angry and sexually dysfunctional. I just happened to see a program on that a couple of days ago.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> A lot of people that go through that end up angry and sexually dysfunctional. I just happened to see a program on that a couple of days ago.


He is entitled to do that, obviously, but forcing his radical choices onto his wife is not really the way to go.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> He is entitled to do that, obviously, but forcing his radical choices onto his wife is not really the way to go.


Well, on top of his overall noninvolvement and responsibilities. He's very unbalanced.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

JoJoB said:


> There is a huge backlog to this story as he was my first love and after 17 years apart we reunited after I left my abusive ex husband. We have overcome a great deal to get where we are and I lost pretty much all of my toxic family which I'm still grieving. I'm also in intensive therapy for issues going back to childhood. My husband was wonderful - kind, considerate and immediately put me on the deeds to his house etc whereas my ex wouldn't even share a bank account! He took me mountain biking, kayaking, walking, out for meals etc.
> 
> My husband has always been kinky and I'm no prude and have indulged him but he now wants to be a transvestite/lady boy? He wants a boob job and he also wants to live a Sub/Dom lifestyle including regular beatings. This makes him very happy and then he "worships" me but I feel resentful that although he is generally sunny natured, he can't be attentive without the kinks.
> 
> ...


That’s not a fetish, it’s a serious mental illness.

What does your therapist say about all this?


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

JoJoB said:


> There is a huge backlog to this story as he was my first love and after 17 years apart we reunited after I left my abusive ex husband. We have overcome a great deal to get where we are and I lost pretty much all of my toxic family which I'm still grieving. I'm also in intensive therapy for issues going back to childhood. My husband was wonderful - kind, considerate and immediately put me on the deeds to his house etc whereas my ex wouldn't even share a bank account! He took me mountain biking, kayaking, walking, out for meals etc.
> 
> My husband has always been kinky and I'm no prude and have indulged him but he now wants to be a transvestite/lady boy? He wants a boob job and he also wants to live a Sub/Dom lifestyle including regular beatings. This makes him very happy and then he "worships" me but I feel resentful that although he is generally sunny natured, he can't be attentive without the kinks.
> 
> ...


I am a bit kinky as a husband but transvestite and sub play is a horror story to me. You will have to say no of course. There is no future in it and it is not right anyway. I would advise you to put your foot down. It started so well one wonders how on earth he got into this. Probably internet stuff I would say. You have to hope for the best but be ready for the worst.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> He is entitled to do that, obviously, but forcing his radical choices onto his wife is not really the way to go.


Well, he can't force them on her if she doesn't let him, but she's been letting him and I think pretending to be cool with it. She's disregarding her own needs and let it go too far.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Is he gets boobs/implants there's no coming back from that for him to ever be seen as a male.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

JoJoB said:


> He now says he won't do anything like that but he can't pretend he's not happy about it. I don't know if I'm being manipulated or his Asperger's makes him the way he is.


Whether or not he has Asperger's makes no difference. Asperger's doesn't absolve him of his culpability for misrepresenting himself to you. Sure, any underlying issues we have can impact how we make decisions and function, but they don't absolve us of responsibility for our choices and actions.


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## JoJoB (3 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> It is manipulation. I'm sorry, but your husband is a lost cause. He has serious mental issues based on what you are saying here. I mean, he wants to go through body modification. Think about that. DO you really want to be married to a "man" with boobs and dresses like a woman? If so, you may want to look inward for what may be wrong with you.


What is wrong with me is that I am a people pleaser and codependent and I have done the hard work in breaking from a very toxic family which my husband supported me through BUT I thought I never expected my husband to change so drastically and start to have these issues. I've been through so much trauma and thought life was calming down.


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## JoJoB (3 mo ago)

JoJoB said:


> What is wrong with me is that I am a people pleaser and codependent and I have done the hard work in breaking from a very toxic family which my husband supported me through BUT I thought I never expected my husband to change so drastically and start to have these issues. I've been through so much trauma and thought life was calming down.


Ps. No..I don't want to be married to a lady boy but it's hard to switch off the love u felt for someone


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

JoJoB said:


> Ps. No..I don't want to be married to a lady boy but it's hard to switch off the love u felt for someone


You don't have to switch off the love in order to move away from him. As you distance yourself from him, it will get easier.
Also, in separating from him, you don't need to treat him badly. There is such a thing as amicable divorce. Have you considered marriage couseling? You both seem to be suffering, but he should have told you about this when things became serious between you.


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## JoJoB (3 mo ago)

Cynthia said:


> You don't have to switch off the love in order to move away from him. As you distance yourself from him, it will get easier.
> Also, in separating from him, you don't need to treat him badly. There is such a thing as amicable divorce. Have you considered marriage couseling? You both seem to be suffering, but he should have told you about this when things became serious between you.


That might be the next logical step, counseling. He says this has sneaked up on him gradually. He didn't have any thoughts of being a cross dresser previously apart from a fleeting fantasy in his youth


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

JoJoB said:


> Ps. No..I don't want to be married to a lady boy but it's hard to switch off the love u felt for someone


You don't have to switch it off. Just get unattached from him so he can lead his new life and you can still be his friend, but you will have to have boundaries, or he'll just keep coming to you to test out his new self. And one day you may meet someone who won't put up with him being around. I feel like he's likely to find a whole new niche for himself. I know you say he doesn't get out, but I think he will if he has to leave the house for sex.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

JoJoB said:


> That might be the next logical step, counseling. He says this has sneaked up on him gradually. He didn't have any thoughts of being a cross dresser previously apart from a fleeting fantasy in his youth


You can do counseling from the home, you know. It might get you both to the point you realize there has to be a departure. I doubt it will stop his sexual impulses, though. 

I know you have your reasons why you find this hard to deal with, love among them, but really, you need to enforce your personal comfort boundaries starting right now. He needs to know the farther out you go, the fewer people will be interested in you. That comes as a hard reality to people who fall into a small niche. I don't really care what someone does as far as being transgender. That's their journey, but if being with someone like that isn't my journey, I'm not going to share a household with them. Maybe you should start counseling just to work on the codependency as it will always affect you, no matter who you are with. Good luck moving out of this mess.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

It's not going to end well. Look what happened with Bruce Jenner.


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## JoJoB (3 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well, he can't force them on her if she doesn't let him, but she's been letting him and I think pretending to be cool with it. She's disregarding her own needs and let it go too far.


I did it to keep him happy thinking that he would show the same consideration in return, i.e, doing more normal things in our relationship too. So now, he's saying I've given him mixed messages. I have disregarded my own needs because he basically doesn't understand give and take in a relationship. Yes, he's happy to do most of the cooking and walk the dogs if I go out for the day but everything else is constant gaming/wanting to dress as a woman and he doesn't understand why it's any skin off my nose. The sheer presence of having someone in the house constantly who doesn't live a normal life and wants me to get involved with his stuff rather than do normal stuff together is very exhausting and anxiety provoking


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## JoJoB (3 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well, on top of his overall noninvolvement and responsibilities. He's very unbalanced.


He is very unbalanced. He thinks life should be all his idea of hedonistic fun. 


DudeInProgress said:


> That’s not a fetish, it’s a serious mental illness.
> 
> What does your therapist say about all this?


I've only just opened up about it. He's definitely an obsessive gamer, drinker, fetish person and now wants to be a girl. I'm not sure what mental illness that falls under


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

JoJoB said:


> He is very unbalanced. He thinks life should be all his idea of hedonistic fun.
> 
> I've only just opened up about it. He's definitely an obsessive gamer, drinker, fetish person and now wants to be a girl. I'm not sure what mental illness that falls under


Whatever illness it is, you are not obligated to tolerate or indulge it.


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## JoJoB (3 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Whatever illness it is, you are not obligated to tolerate or indulge it.


I know. It's just that he feels he's helped me so much with mental health (questionable as the basic things I asked him to do, he couldn't) that I'm left feeling manipulated and guilty


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

JoJoB said:


> I know. It's just that he feels he's helped me so much with mental health (questionable as the basic things I asked him to do, he couldn't) that I'm left feeling manipulated and guilty


He is manipulating you to make you do what he wants. Of course he wants you to feel guilty and think you "owe" him. That's how these relationships work, they make you feel bad for pushing back against them and standing up for yourself. He'll call you "selfish" before it's over. You have to distance yourself so you can see what's really going on. You don't owe this person the rest of your life and you don't owe him your self-respect.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

JoJoB said:


> I did it to keep him happy thinking that he would show the same consideration in return, i.e, doing more normal things in our relationship too. So now, he's saying I've given him mixed messages. I have disregarded my own needs because he basically doesn't understand give and take in a relationship. Yes, he's happy to do most of the cooking and walk the dogs if I go out for the day but everything else is constant gaming/wanting to dress as a woman and he doesn't understand why it's any skin off my nose. The sheer presence of having someone in the house constantly who doesn't live a normal life and wants me to get involved with his stuff rather than do normal stuff together is very exhausting and anxiety provoking


That's what's wrong with fetishes. They take over your life and whoever lives with you's life too. He's not balanced. Bottom line, you have to decide what your tolerance and boundaries are and then tell him that and just say no when needed. If he wants to live an alternative lifestyle and you don't, that just means you're no longer compatible. I mean, most guys would have something to say if their woman they thought they knew pulled the equivalent, shaved her head, started wearing work boots and that's all she wanted to discuss anymore and stopped doing her responsibilities.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

JoJoB said:


> I know. It's just that he feels he's helped me so much with mental health (questionable as the basic things I asked him to do, he couldn't) that I'm left feeling manipulated and guilty


Your perception of being manipulated is correct. He is trying (and succeeding) at making you feel guilty. What you have told us about your discomfort with all this isn't something you ought to feel guilty about. He is guilt tripping you for not going along with something that has come way out of your experience or desires and wants your full participation as some kind of payback. 
You do not owe him anything other than to work towards a healthy relationship with him. If he is pushing you to do things that are upsetting you, he is not looking for a healthy relationship. He is looking for an enabler.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

JoJoB said:


> He is very unbalanced. He thinks life should be all his idea of hedonistic fun.
> 
> I've only just opened up about it. He's definitely an obsessive gamer, drinker, fetish person and now wants to be a girl. I'm not sure what mental illness that falls under


Nuts.


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## JoJoB (3 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Nuts.


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## JoJoB (3 mo ago)

Cynthia said:


> Your perception of being manipulated is correct. He is trying (and succeeding) at making you feel guilty. What you have told us about your discomfort with all this isn't something you ought to feel guilty about. He is guilt tripping you for not going along with something that has come way out of your experience or desires and wants your full participation as some kind of payback.
> You do not owe him anything other than to work towards a healthy relationship with him. If he is pushing you to do things that are upsetting you, he is not looking for a healthy relationship. He is looking for an enabler.


I begged him to give me some space for a few days after he got up in a black mood and then when I said I felt punished for putting boundaries in place he said I'd taken the shine off his fetish and I should understand depression after suffering it myself. He said he'd rather kill himself than go to his mum's and that he'd drive around and sleep in the car. When I said I wanted him to be safe and perhaps an air BnB would be an option he said if that's what I wanted - so booked one and then he said he never said he'd agreed?! So basically it's still me worrying about him and dealing with his unreasonable behaviour!!!


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

You deserve to live a life that you want. Breaking away from toxic family members is hard and stressful and life changing thing to go through but you did it. You say you could not have done it without your current husband but YOU did it. 

You are stronger than you think. Perhaps visit with an attorney and see where you stand. I think if you can get some physical distance you will be able to see more clearly.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

JoJoB said:


> I begged him to give me some space for a few days after he got up in a black mood and then when I said I felt punished for putting boundaries in place he said I'd taken the shine off his fetish and I should understand depression after suffering it myself. He said he'd rather kill himself than go to his mum's and that he'd drive around and sleep in the car. When I said I wanted him to be safe and perhaps an air BnB would be an option he said if that's what I wanted - so booked one and then he said he never said he'd agreed?! So basically it's still me worrying about him and dealing with his unreasonable behaviour!!!


He's pulling out the big guns now by threatening suicide. 
Look, I know you don't want him to commit suicide. I get that. However, that is not something you can actually control. You can only control yourself. Allowing his inappropriate behaviors to control you through his manipulation will only make things worse and make you more miserable.
If he threatens suicide, call 911.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You can't be expected to participate


JoJoB said:


> I begged him to give me some space for a few days after he got up in a black mood and then when I said I felt punished for putting boundaries in place he said I'd taken the shine off his fetish and I should understand depression after suffering it myself. He said he'd rather kill himself than go to his mum's and that he'd drive around and sleep in the car. When I said I wanted him to be safe and perhaps an air BnB would be an option he said if that's what I wanted - so booked one and then he said he never said he'd agreed?! So basically it's still me worrying about him and dealing with his unreasonable behaviour!!!


He sounds more manic than depressed to me. He's just guilting you. All this activity and obsession isn't really sounding like depression. Mania more like. He needs therapy.


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## JoJoB (3 mo ago)

Tony Conrad said:


> I am a bit kinky as a husband but transvestite and sub play is a horror story to me. You will have to say no of course. There is no future in it and it is not right anyway. I would advise you to put your foot down. It started so well one wonders how on earth he got into this. Probably internet stuff I would say. You have to hope for the best but be ready for the worst.


I don’t know if it started so well because I was his obsession for a while. Apterous a few years, apart from cooking and dog walking he does NOTHING but gaming, drinking, fetish. He thinks life is all about doing what you find fun but he wants a partner in the background that he doesn’t have to put any real effort in. He has taken early retirement because I am on benefits due to my mental health and he promised not to play the computer all day or do live chat but he does both. All I’m asking for is a bit of help in the house, to go out occasionally with him, to do the odd DIY project and to have my needs taken into account as well as his. For example he games in the living room literally all day until bedtime so I never have any peace. He now says he hates driving so even getting him to explore the Lakes is impossible. What I find upsetting is that if I beat him, he then can’t do enough for me but why should I have to dominate my husband to get some affection? If I ask him why he says up I need to punish him more?!


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## JoJoB (3 mo ago)

Tony Conrad said:


> I am a bit kinky as a husband but transvestite and sub play is a horror story to me. You will have to say no of course. There is no future in it and it is not right anyway. I would advise you to put your foot down. It started so well one wonders how on earth he got into this. Probably internet stuff I would say. You have to hope for the best but be ready for the worst.


Yes, likely Internet. I begged him not to get obsessed but it’s like he can’t help himself. I think it started so well because I was his latest obsession for a while. I think he feels I owe him because he immediately put me onto the deeds of the house he just bought etc BUT I have also contributed financially and he has been able to take early retirement because I’ve had to go on benefits due to my mental health. He was, interestingly enough, removed from his former marital home due to his inappropriate behaviour. This is why he was so upset when I asked him to go to his mums as he’s been in that situation before but he won’t take responsibility for how it gets to that point. I’ve not changed. He has drastically and it has got worse since he retired. He even games so much that he can go several days without a bath etc. He also complains if i wash his clothes. He literally ticks every box on the aspergers test but I’m worried I’m being consciously manipulated and my ex did that for 17 years. I don’t want to commit more time to someone I thought was my soulmate but doesn’t really care about me enough to make changes.


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## JoJoB (3 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You can't be expected to participate
> 
> He sounds more manic than depressed to me. He's just guilting you. All this activity and obsession isn't really sounding like depression. Mania more like. He needs therapy.


That’s an interesting take. He has to be doing something he wants to do constantly. He seems really chilled and a nice, placid, sociable, logical person in lots of respects but it’s constant crosswords, gaming, fetish and no consideration for how it affects me. He has also been an alcoholic, wants to take my medication for kicks et. We lost our father in law to Covid and his 81 year old mother is alone. He hardly answers the phone to her/has to be nagged to go. He just doesn’t seem to have empathy. If he doesn’t want to do something he won’t do it.


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## JoJoB (3 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> Is he gets boobs/implants there's no coming back from that for him to ever be seen as a male.


I agree. What I find upsetting is that he said he’d only wear false boobs in the house but I’ve caught him wearing the small pair out and instead of apologising there’s always an excuse. He constantly tests/pushes my boundaries and as a non controlling person who wants to make him happy I’m conflicted and exhausted.


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## JoJoB (3 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> That’s not a fetish, it’s a serious mental illness.
> 
> What does your therapist say about all this?


I’ve only just told them about the gender confusion. I’m doing MBT which is all about thinking for yourself so there’s no opinion or guidance forthcoming. They even told a girl who lives with her brother (sexual abuse) that she should focus on the positives!


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## JoJoB (3 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> That's what's wrong with fetishes. They take over your life and whoever lives with you's life too. He's not balanced. Bottom line, you have to decide what your tolerance and boundaries are and then tell him that and just say no when needed. If he wants to live an alternative lifestyle and you don't, that just means you're no longer compatible. I mean, most guys would have something to say if their woman they thought they knew pulled the equivalent, shaved her head, started wearing work boots and that's all she wanted to discuss anymore and stopped doing her responsibilities.


He says he’d be fine with that as long as I was happy! Looking back our hobbies have always been directed by him. He’s decided and I’ve followed


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

JoJoB said:


> That’s an interesting take. He has to be doing something he wants to do constantly. He seems really chilled and a nice, placid, sociable, logical person in lots of respects but it’s constant crosswords, gaming, fetish and no consideration for how it affects me. He has also been an alcoholic, wants to take my medication for kicks et. We lost our father in law to Covid and his 81 year old mother is alone. He hardly answers the phone to her/has to be nagged to go. He just doesn’t seem to have empathy. If he doesn’t want to do something he won’t do it.


Maybe narcissistic on top of everything else. He sounds kind of addictive personality and certainly obsessive. And yeah the way he doesn't seem to stop once he gets involved in something does sound kind of manic. Obsessive compulsive people are manic sometimes.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

JoJoB said:


> He says he’d be fine with that as long as I was happy! Looking back our hobbies have always been directed by him. He’s decided and I’ve followed


I think he's lying about saying that would be fine just because he knows why you're saying it. But anyway you can certainly remind him that he said anything would be fine as long as you're happy whenever you set your boundaries and tell him that's what's going to make you happy.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

JoJoB said:


> Ps. No..I don't want to be married to a lady boy but it's hard to switch off the love u felt for someone


He is obviously not the person you married. At least not anymore. I would move on.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

JoJoB said:


> That might be the next logical step, counseling. He says this has sneaked up on him gradually. He didn't have any thoughts of being a cross dresser previously apart from a fleeting fantasy in his youth


We all have choices of what we get into. He says it sneaked up on him. He has to take charge and resist it and not let it ruin his life.


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## JoJoB (3 mo ago)

So, my husband did go to his mothers. His mother who I thought I had a lovely relationship with has rung me saying that didn’t I think my depression and history of trauma had made him like this. That he didn’t want to do anything because I was poorly all the time and if I was still in therapy it wasn’t working!!!!

She tried to bully me by saying didn’t I want to work on my marriage? And was demanding an instant answer re marriage guidance counselling. She said I was making it all about me just because I explained I was already working on my issues every week with a psychologist and that I couldn’t baby my husband too. That he needed to make an effort. I went to see them both yesterday and was maturely respectful to her even though I felt she had gaslit me.

My husband has been to his gp for antidepressants but hadn’t bathed for several days. He just kept saying he was suicidal and if he didn’t have his family he felt like slitting his wrists. I felt pressured into accepting him back home and agreed to Saturday but now I am panicking because although he’s promising he can change i don’t think he can without professional help.

I‘ve told him this today and he keeps saying he has nothing, that he can’t even use the computer he took to his mothers for gaming as the shine has been taken off. He even bought a new monitor despite there being two at home! He says I promised he could come home and now he’s saying he would never “kick me out”, that it’s our home we share together. I’ve spoken to a women’s domestic abuse organisation and she says he’s definitely gas lighting and emotionally abusing me whether he has aspergers or not.


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## JoJoB (3 mo ago)

He has his mothers very nice house to stay in but I have nowhere to go.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

JoJoB said:


> Yes, likely Internet. I begged him not to get obsessed but it’s like he can’t help himself. I think it started so well because I was his latest obsession for a while. I think he feels I owe him because he immediately put me onto the deeds of the house he just bought etc BUT I have also contributed financially and he has been able to take early retirement because I’ve had to go on benefits due to my mental health. He was, interestingly enough, removed from his former marital home due to his inappropriate behaviour. This is why he was so upset when I asked him to go to his mums as he’s been in that situation before but he won’t take responsibility for how it gets to that point. I’ve not changed. He has drastically and it has got worse since he retired. He even games so much that he can go several days without a bath etc. He also complains if i wash his clothes. He literally ticks every box on the aspergers test but I’m worried I’m being consciously manipulated and my ex did that for 17 years. I don’t want to commit more time to someone I thought was my soulmate but doesn’t really care about me enough to make changes.


Go disconnect the internet, or see if you can get into the router and set time limits for it. The thing is, you are NOT his mommy and shouldn't have to be doing this stuff. He's an adult who seems to be regressing back to early teen years.
Some of your symptoms DO sound like he is clinically depressed, but also seems like the Aspergers is getting worse -- he seems to have lost the ability to work though it (or just doesn't want to anymore).


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

JoJoB said:


> So, my husband did go to his mothers. His mother who I thought I had a lovely relationship with has rung me saying that didn’t I think my depression and history of trauma had made him like this. That he didn’t want to do anything because I was poorly all the time and if I was still in therapy it wasn’t working!!!!
> 
> She tried to bully me by saying didn’t I want to work on my marriage? And was demanding an instant answer re marriage guidance counselling. She said I was making it all about me just because I explained I was already working on my issues every week with a psychologist and that I couldn’t baby my husband too. That he needed to make an effort. I went to see them both yesterday and was maturely respectful to her even though I felt she had gaslit me.
> 
> ...


Just leave him out. Get two jobs so you can afford rent and then you can work on getting a roommate just be sure that they are employed and reliable and get references.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Seriously if he is suicidal, CALL the police and tell them that. It needs to be documented, and may also help force him to get a mental health evaluation. Use a voice recorder when you are around him (you can DL an app on your smartphone if you don't have one) to capture that (or record video), just for proof to the cops.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> For many women, probably most, this would be a step too far.


That's putting it _very _mildly.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

JoJoB said:


> I'm not going to catch a disease lol. He might be into fetish but not with outsiders. He wants to do it with me plus he hardly leaves the house!


If you don't give into his fetishes, he will look elsewhere. And many people have said...my spouse would never do this or that...only to be shocked later.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> Seriously if he is suicidal, CALL the police and tell them that. It needs to be documented, and may also help force him to get a mental health evaluation. Use a voice recorder when you are around him (you can DL an app on your smartphone if you don't have one) to capture that (or record video), just for proof to the cops.


Absolutely. There is only ONE thing to do when someone says they are suicidal, and that is call the police. Usually they're just seeking attention or to get their way, and in that case, the police coming will let them know they can't get away with that. And if it's serious, they police are able to take them to a hospital which no one else usually can do. So always always call police and send them to where he is when he does that. It will probably stop him from doing it.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

SCDad01 said:


> If you don't give into his fetishes, he will look elsewhere. Any many people have said...my spouse would never do this or that...only to be shocked later.


Truth. You need to decide if you're going to participate or live with him cheating.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The threats to kill himself are highly manipulative. Been there with my ex-husband. As has been said, if he does that again tell him that you are going to call the police. 
His issues are way beyond a fetish, wanting to have surgery to have female looking breasts is him basically wanting to be female and more and more he will want to act that out and eventually probably transition. 
You didn't marry a female but a male, surely he must understand that? Even if he promises not to indulge that again it will be at best suppressed and may well emerge again later. 

Its hard to see how the marriage can survive to be honest.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think the mother has her own agenda here in that she does not want him back living with her and probably feel she has done her time. 

I don't think you should base what you do on what either one of them say. You need to leave him out and work on finding a place for yourself to live.


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## JoJoB (3 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Truth. You need to decide if you're going to participate or live with him cheating.


I honestly don't think he's a cheater physically. We live in a village, he hardly leaves the house and I work from home


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## JoJoB (3 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think the mother has her own agenda here in that she does not want him back living with her and probably feel she has done her time.
> 
> I don't think you should base what you do on what either one of them say. You need to leave him out and work on finding a place for yourself to live.


I don't want to leave my home. I don't have family so my support system is here. Plus we are married and own the home with little finances available so it's not that simple. I would hope that I may be awarded the home in lieu of other stuff like pensions etc


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

JoJoB said:


> I don't want to leave my home. I don't have family so my support system is here. Plus we are married and own the home with little finances available so it's not that simple. I would hope that I may be awarded the home in lieu of other stuff like pensions etc


Either way, you'll get half the assets, or should. I can't remember, are you both working?


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## JoJoB (3 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> He is manipulating you to make you do what he wants. Of course he wants you to feel guilty and think you "owe" him. That's how these relationships work, they make you feel bad for pushing back against them and standing up for yourself. He'll call you "selfish" before it's over. You have to distance yourself so you can see what's really going on. You don't owe this person the rest of your life and you don't owe him your self-respect.


Yes, he has already said I wouldn't kick u out of our home but what are u to do when u r at breaking point and he won't listen and you've been asking for very little for 3 years?! I met him today so he could see the dogs and I do feel for him and feel guilty as he just wants to come home and says he can stop the fetish stuff and obsessive gaming but he still doesn't really understand why it's been a problem for me and now it's not a problem as he can just stop?! So despite my mental health issues I made the journey, took him clean clothes, to the docs to pick up his Asperger's assessment form, helped him fill it in and tried to talk things out rationally whereas he was acting sooooooo depressed, walking like a 90 yr old man, crying and saying things like I love my family, I only want us both to be happy together, I've realised what's important, I just want to come home etc etc not any genuine interest in how I am coping or what I want. Its so hard to decide whether to give him a chance BUT a red flag was one he said he kept pressurising me to do fetish as I might learn to like it and it's an interest we could do together. Isn't that grooming?! An interest isn't a full time BDSM relationship 😬 He then said he'd had enough, was tired etc yet I'd been to therapy, has to walk the dogs etc etc and then he got out the car crying and I worry he's just trying to wear me down.


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## JoJoB (3 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Either way, you'll get half the assets, or should. I can't remember, are you both working?


He took early retirement at 59. I'm 47 and a part time writer due to being intensive treatment for my mental health. First time I've claimed benefits and so my husband's 12 hours a day gaming and fetish addictions are basically enabled due to him giving up working


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

JoJoB said:


> Yes, he has already said I wouldn't kick u out of our home but what are u to do when u r at breaking point and he won't listen and you've been asking for very little for 3 years?! I met him today so he could see the dogs and I do feel for him and feel guilty as he just wants to come home and says he can stop the fetish stuff and obsessive gaming but he still doesn't really understand why it's been a problem for me and now it's not a problem as he can just stop?! So despite my mental health issues I made the journey, took him clean clothes, to the docs to pick up his Asperger's assessment form, helped him fill it in and tried to talk things out rationally whereas he was acting sooooooo depressed, walking like a 90 yr old man, crying and saying things like I love my family, I only want us both to be happy together, I've realised what's important, I just want to come home etc etc not any genuine interest in how I am coping or what I want. Its so hard to decide whether to give him a chance BUT a red flag was one he said he kept pressurising me to do fetish as I might learn to like it and it's an interest we could do together. Isn't that grooming?! An interest isn't a full time BDSM relationship 😬 He then said he'd had enough, was tired etc yet I'd been to therapy, has to walk the dogs etc etc and then he got out the car crying and I worry he's just trying to wear me down.


Oh, he's never giving it up. Now he's obsessed. People can't just change like that. He's still exactly who he is now except crying because he's not getting his way and is getting consequences. 

You need an attorney to take care of this for you. Your husband is asking too much of you all around. Look what he's got you doing today. If he can be trusted to actually take care of the dogs, you guys can take turns with them each week. If not, you should have them. He's too busy with all this other stuff to focus on the dogs.


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## JoJoB (3 mo ago)

JoJoB said:


> He took early retirement at 59. I'm 47 and a part time writer due to being intensive treatment for my mental health. First time I've claimed benefits and so my husband's 12 hours a day gaming and fetish addictions are basically enabled due to him giving up working


It's just so bloody hard when I divorced an abusive man only 7 years ago, thought I was back with my soulmate and that he was my rock. I have no family apart from a stepsister mike's away and my best friend and dog have just died. He's just changed so much and won't do anything he doesn't want to do without a sexual reward etc. I don't know if it's autism or narcissism but I don't think there's a high success rate in helping either. I've realised that I've been his rock too though! Instead of taking constructive action to win my trust back he's just acting so I feel bad. I bought him a bag of his fave treats and he's like I'm too depressed to eat them, not thank you for thinking of me! He's ignored me most of the time and left me to my own devices for 3 yrs showing little empathy for everything I've lost but went through crisis/put myself in intensive therapy and still cared for him/ran the home etc whereas apart from one dog walk a day and cooking tea most nights everything has to come from me/I responsible for everything else including my mother in law because he doesn't think he should have to visit her!


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## JoJoB (3 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> The threats to kill himself are highly manipulative. Been there with my ex-husband. As has been said, if he does that again tell him that you are going to call the police.
> His issues are way beyond a fetish, wanting to have surgery to have female looking breasts is him basically wanting to be female and more and more he will want to act that out and eventually probably transition.
> You didn't marry a female but a male, surely he must understand that? Even if he promises not to indulge that again it will be at best suppressed and may well emerge again later.
> 
> Its hard to see how the marriage can survive to be honest.


Thank you! Exactly what I told him today. He says it's still in his mind but he won't do it as he realises I'm more important to him. I've advised he tries to spend this time constructively exploring whether he is transgender and that if we split I can still be his friend and support him but he's crying saying I don't want to lose my family. Last week he was still pushing for a boob job and changing his name by deed poll but keeping his penis (which doesn't work now - I think that's psychological) but now he says he thought it was fun to do together so now it's getting through to him it's not he says he can just leave it alone. I've told him repeatedly I find things not fun and his badgering wears me down but then he says I thought you might acclimatise and get to like it but he was constantly pushing the boundaries and always had an excuse for doing so.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

JoJoB said:


> Thank you! Exactly what I told him today. He says it's still in his mind but he won't do it as he realises I'm more important to him. I've advised he tries to spend this time constructively exploring whether he is transgender and that if we split I can still be his friend and support him but he's crying saying I don't want to lose my family. Last week he was still pushing for a boob job and changing his name by deed poll but keeping his penis (which doesn't work now - I think that's psychological) but now he says he thought it was fun to do together so now it's getting through to him it's not he says he can just leave it alone. I've told him repeatedly I find things not fun and his badgering wears me down but then he says I thought you might acclimatise and get to like it but he was constantly pushing the boundaries and always had an excuse for doing so.


Oh boy. Please don't put up with this... I understand you feel like you don't have a large support group right now, but this just isn't going to get better. These issues he's having are deep-seated, I doubt if months of intensive therapy could turn him around. He is going to badger and guilt trip you until you either cave, or until what's left of you mental health gives out. You deserve much better than this.

You are still young enough to find your forever person... Let this man go, and find that person. It's time to be a bit selfish. Don't give him more time, just tell him it's over and start wrapping up the relationship. He can move on and try his bait and switch routine with his next partner.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

JoJoB said:


> Thank you! Exactly what I told him today. He says it's still in his mind but he won't do it as he realises I'm more important to him. I've advised he tries to spend this time constructively exploring whether he is transgender and that if we split I can still be his friend and support him but he's crying saying I don't want to lose my family. Last week he was still pushing for a boob job and changing his name by deed poll but keeping his penis (which doesn't work now - I think that's psychological) but now he says he thought it was fun to do together so now it's getting through to him it's not he says he can just leave it alone. I've told him repeatedly I find things not fun and his badgering wears me down but then he says I thought you might acclimatise and get to like it but he was constantly pushing the boundaries and always had an excuse for doing so.


It's unlikely he will just it go. If you stay he will eventually go back to his old ways.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

Is there an update ?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

The suicide threat is most likely a manipulative tactic. I personally would not deal with his mother at this point. She supports her son and ees you to blame, you do not need this. It really does not matter whether he has Asperger's or not, that does not excuse his actions and make any of his actions acceptable. Counselors felt my ex might have had Asperger's....his behavior was certainly different but not like you have mentioned in your post. 

You mentioned problem in childhood and working with a psychologist on these and said you have left your family behind. Have you any examples in your young years that mimic what your husband is doing? A parent you felt you had to please or cater to? Do you feel that same connection to your husband? That you have to please him like you wanted to please a parent, possibly, in your childhood? Understand that if this is the case, be very aware what is happening. You do not have to please your husband just like you could never win the love of a parent in your childhood. Your parents should have given you love, they should have sheltered and supported you. Your husband is not healthy but you do not have to feel poorly about yourself for deciding to save yourself and free yourself from this man and his lifestyle. More than likely this is not a phase. As people grow older some of our hidden agendas/ desires surface. 

My advise is keep seeing the psychologist and contact an attorney.


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## JoJoB (3 mo ago)

Jimi007 said:


> Is there an update ?


yes - see below x


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## JoJoB (3 mo ago)

OK - so lots has happened. I said I needed a weeks worth of peace and he eventually promised. I was so worried about him by the end of the week that i rang his sister who he hasn't spoken to for 2 years (her fault really) and to my amazement and horror he was there and they were both pissed. She was really sarcastic and was saying oh me and mum are looking after him and i said well actually - i think you are enabling him plus you've refused to speak to him for 2 years! He told me he was drunk because he couldn't cope with being away from his family (me and dogs) and was awaiting my decision on Sunday. I told him I still wasn't ready and he went quiet - obviously upset and started shouting in background he WAS coming home. His sister then said that her and her mother would be bringing him home Sunday.

So - i freaked and rang his mum and said why are you doing this to me? (We've had an amazing relationship so far). She had the nerve to say she didn't know about these fetishes despite me confiding in her previously so I told her about the time he'd peed in a glass and drunk it and she got really annoyed saying she didn't want to hear that kind of thing and I said but this is what I am dealing with! I told her to please not take sides and she said she didn't know about Sunday. By this point I was upset and angry and fired off a choice text to him saying it was over and I wanted a divorce and felt bullied and mobbed. I blocked him.

I then rang the police for advice and a patronising female WPC said oh but he hasn't hit you and I retorted I thought domestic abuse had moved on from that. Hours later however i was reading about sexual coercion and it all fell into place. There was also what i feel was a sexual assault within our marriage - something happened that he wanted to try and it completely freaked me out to the point of panic and he just seemed to find it amusing, so I rang the police back and said what do I have to do to stop my husband moving back in as I have anxiety, am in treatment and there's no way I can cope with him coming back and i have been coerced many a time.

Things began to move then - the police came out and interviewed me and they told me to send a final text asking him/family not to contact me.

Sooooooo Sunday comes around and he actually intercepts me on a dog walk where i am angry and afraid. I do talk to him however as we are in public and when i say no - he can't move back - he gets hysterically upset; says he's already left a suicide note in the summerhouse and to please let him die at home the following day which just gutted me as he was just crying his eyes out. I rang the police and they came and got him to speak to the crisis team who saw him the following day (with me) and basically said that yes - he'd really mistreated me, had been using me as "his medicine" and was worsening my mental health. He agreed to stay at his mums and back off for a while EXCEPT he didn't.

I've had phone calls to say his mum's kicked him out and i booked him a travel lodge and 2 lots of accommodation that had to be cancelled when his mum apparently had a change of heart (he hates spending money so don't think he's lying about that). I've had him ringing sobbing his heart out and i've made him a GP appointment. Obviously the dogs are both our pets so i did agree to meet him yesterday on proviso he didn't pester me for answers or to come home but he literally spent the whole time either touching me, crying - he even got on his knees to beg for one more chance but i stood firm although it was upsetting. Tonight I was interviewed by a detective and they are arresting him tomorrow and he will have bail conditions so at least that should give me some peace for a little while and a domestic abuse charity seems very certain i will get a property order and non molestation order. 

He just keeps saying he can't live without me. He spoke to the doctors again in front of me today and he has been put on a second antidepressant. I've explained that there is no quick fix. That these are deep rooted issues that he had before me and I am not sure if I mentioned that he was excluded from his first marriage and daughter for similar behaviour - lack of respect, lack of boundaries, constantly pushing against advice etc from the professionals that got involved when his daughter went off the rails.

He was in a complete state when i picked him up - crying, shaking, he's aged years in a month, lost a stone etc. I genuinely think he is having a breakdown, He keeps promising he can change but i just can't trust him.

So sorry for long update - all very scary and disturbing and mixed feelings - i don't want to hurt him but i feel this need to protect myself. He's also saying he can't cope and to drop the property order etc which i am not doing. I can't decide if he consciously knows what he is doing or there is just something very wrong with him. I hope to god he doesn't kill himself or try to come back before i've got some protection in place. This wouldn't be necessary if he agreed that we don't know what the future holds but to work through it as adults but living separately. Anything i ask him to do for my peace of mind however seems unimportant.

The mother in law is off the Christmas list as apparently she told him she was going to take him out of the will/remove him from her property's trust so that it wouldn't be seen as an advantage for him in case of divorce and she then asked him to lie to me about it. Just so sick of it all really!


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## JoJoB (3 mo ago)

AVR1962 said:


> The suicide threat is most likely a manipulative tactic. I personally would not deal with his mother at this point. She supports her son and ees you to blame, you do not need this. It really does not matter whether he has Asperger's or not, that does not excuse his actions and make any of his actions acceptable. Counselors felt my ex might have had Asperger's....his behavior was certainly different but not like you have mentioned in your post.
> 
> You mentioned problem in childhood and working with a psychologist on these and said you have left your family behind. Have you any examples in your young years that mimic what your husband is doing? A parent you felt you had to please or cater to? Do you feel that same connection to your husband? That you have to please him like you wanted to please a parent, possibly, in your childhood? Understand that if this is the case, be very aware what is happening. You do not have to please your husband just like you could never win the love of a parent in your childhood. Your parents should have given you love, they should have sheltered and supported you. Your husband is not healthy but you do not have to feel poorly about yourself for deciding to save yourself and free yourself from this man and his lifestyle. More than likely this is not a phase. As people grow older some of our hidden agendas/ desires surface.
> 
> My advise is keep seeing the psychologist and contact an attorney.


Interesting you should say that. The worst experience of my younger life was my mother leaving my father when i was 8 and my brother 6. He was crying at the table after she'd gone and i was so scared and sad for him and i said but you still have us and he said nothing. Since that day i felt responsible for my father's feelings and spent 35 years trying to win his love. Spookily enough it looks as though my father is now every poorly with dementia so it feels as though i'm losing both of them but they are kind of one and the same problem. I just feel bad because he keeps saying it's all his fault and is in a state and begging but then adds things like - i still have a legal right to the home but am staying away out of love for you etc etc which feels like a threat.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

JoJoB said:


> OK - so lots has happened. I said I needed a weeks worth of peace and he eventually promised. I was so worried about him by the end of the week that i rang his sister who he hasn't spoken to for 2 years (her fault really) and to my amazement and horror he was there and they were both pissed. She was really sarcastic and was saying oh me and mum are looking after him and i said well actually - i think you are enabling him plus you've refused to speak to him for 2 years! He told me he was drunk because he couldn't cope with being away from his family (me and dogs) and was awaiting my decision on Sunday. I told him I still wasn't ready and he went quiet - obviously upset and started shouting in background he WAS coming home. His sister then said that her and her mother would be bringing him home Sunday.
> 
> So - i freaked and rang his mum and said why are you doing this to me? (We've had an amazing relationship so far). She had the nerve to say she didn't know about these fetishes despite me confiding in her previously so I told her about the time he'd peed in a glass and drunk it and she got really annoyed saying she didn't want to hear that kind of thing and I said but this is what I am dealing with! I told her to please not take sides and she said she didn't know about Sunday. By this point I was upset and angry and fired off a choice text to him saying it was over and I wanted a divorce and felt bullied and mobbed. I blocked him.
> 
> ...


Well this is quite a mess, and he obviously needs help... I'm going to get flamed for this, but I'm not sure how I feel about all that you are doing to stop him from returning to his home... Be really careful with that. I know his fetishes are ruining your relationship, and he clearly has psych issues but it doesn't appear that you are "playing fair" in trying to block him from returning to his home. He has a right to be there - just like any other spouse who isn't a danger to their spouse - and you appear to be manipulating things that have happened in the past to get the police to help you keep him out. You described that manipulation above. And then, you are sending him mixed messages by spending time with him, picking him up, etc.

If you can't stand to be around him then move out yourself. That way the decision to not cohabitate will truly be yours, and you won't be denying him his right to live in his home. Start the D process and follow through. Working around his right to live in his home the way you described above is not okay, you are making a bad situation worse.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Do hav a 


JoJoB said:


> Interesting you should say that. The worst experience of my younger life was my mother leaving my father when i was 8 and my brother 6. He was crying at the table after she'd gone and i was so scared and sad for him and i said but you still have us and he said nothing. Since that day i felt responsible for my father's feelings and spent 35 years trying to win his love. Spookily enough it looks as though my father is now every poorly with dementia so it feels as though i'm losing both of them but they are kind of one and the same problem. I just feel bad because he keeps saying it's all his fault and is in a state and begging but then adds things like - i still have a legal right to the home but am staying away out of love for you etc etc which feels like a threat.


Do you have a plan on how you can start to move forward?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Don't get this far and give in because if you do you'll never get this far again. If you reverse course and give in then from then on the police and authorities aren't going to take you seriously. So you need to get an attorney or whatever and get this thing over with ASAP. He is not going to be balanced no matter what actions you take and you need to remember that. His mental health doesn't have to do with you. He's going to be in a crisis with or without you and you should run. If he's going to end up being in and out of institutions you should definitely take primary care of the dogs. Maybe you could set it up to where when he wanted to see them he could just text you and then come get them out of the backyard or something and get a condition that he doesn't get to see you when that happens.


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## JoJoB (3 mo ago)

Exit37 said:


> Well this is quite a mess, and he obviously needs help... I'm going to get flamed for this, but I'm not sure how I feel about all that you are doing to stop him from returning to his home... Be really careful with that. I know his fetishes are ruining your relationship, and he clearly has psych issues but it doesn't appear that you are "playing fair" in trying to block him from returning to his home. He has a right to be there - just like any other spouse who isn't a danger to their spouse - and you appear to be manipulating things that have happened in the past to get the police to help you keep him out. You described that manipulation above. And then, you are sending him mixed messages by spending time with him, picking him up, etc.
> 
> If you can't stand to be around him then move out yourself. That way the decision to not cohabitate will truly be yours, and you won't be denying him his right to live in his home. Start the D process and follow through. Working around his right to live in his home the way you described above is not okay, you are making a bad situation worse.


The decision not to cohabit truly is mine. This is my home too and I have not done anything wrong. Why should I leave after 3 years of abuse? He is not stable enough to care for the family pets. He has his mother's home that he co owns and his sister has an empty flat. I have nowhere to immediately go. His actions have made it worse. I told him how he behaved would affect how we move forward and his behaviour has been described as appalling and abhorrent. He doesn't want to come home without me here. If he returned what do you think would happen? He tried to commit suicide after he text me to say do I buy or rent another house and became enraged when I tried to discuss my feelings/how we would move forward. The police and the legal system certainly don't think I am manipulating the system. I have been honest about what happened and I deserve to be safe from abuse. I can only think that you may have treated a partner similarly.


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## JoJoB (3 mo ago)

AVR1962 said:


> Do hav a
> 
> Do you have a plan on how you can start to move forward?


Yes. I have a non molestation order in place and he is on bail after attempting revenge suicide/committing sexual abuse and coercion.

He may contest the order but I am now facing an in-depth police interview re his behaviour.

Of course, part of me still loves and cares for him but he has become unstable due to facing consequences of his behaviour so I have to protect myself. I am in the process of separating our finances and next step is divorce. I am hoping to keep the home and dogs which is worth thousands less than his pensions/share in his mother's home.

I took a chance on him for the second time and he's ruined it. There is no going back despite the mixed emotions and stress. He has deep rooted issues and this pattern of behaviour has been there for decades. If we'd separated and he'd sought help/done the work then maybe we could have reunited. Can't believe the above poster thinks I'm using the past against him. Abusers show patterns of red flags. His past is again, due to his actions. The fact he's in this position again is down to him and his disturbing behaviour.


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## JoJoB (3 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Don't get this far and give in because if you do you'll never get this far again. If you reverse course and give in then from then on the police and authorities aren't going to take you seriously. So you need to get an attorney or whatever and get this thing over with ASAP. He is not going to be balanced no matter what actions you take and you need to remember that. His mental health doesn't have to do with you. He's going to be in a crisis with or without you and you should run. If he's going to end up being in and out of institutions you should definitely take primary care of the dogs. Maybe you could set it up to where when he wanted to see them he could just text you and then come get them out of the backyard or something and get a condition that he doesn't get to see you when that happens.


Thank you. Everyone is saying the same. Of course, some days are extremely tough and I break down but consciously or unconsciously he is hoping this will happen hence the post separation behaviour. He is a very disturbed man and with my own mental health struggles, I don't feel why I should pamper to him (like I have been for years) when this is due to his abuse of me. He cannot cope because he has been flung from his lazy, drinking, fetish, game playing existence into the real world. I am more and more confident I am doing the right thing. He is on bail at present for the historic assault and tried to commit suicide after discussing a separation and how to move forward. For a month I have been trying to care for him, appease him, prevent him from taking his life whilst struggling with my own issues and feelings. No more. His family can deal with him and he needs to make his own decisions now. He's 59 and it's time he took responsibility for his behaviour. I will be fair. We can dog share if he becomes stable enough. He can have what he wants from the home within reason. He can keep his pensions which are worth far more than the home. I have caused nothing of this so I'm focusing on keeping my home and caring for the dogs. I have powered through to put things in place to protect myself and I can't go back because I know things will not change and I can't go through this again. At the end of the day he sent me a nasty text calling me a money grabber (when I would actually be giving up certain financial security with him) and tried to kill himself so I could have it all which I've never asked for or expect. I want him to heal and be happy. I've spent two days not knowing if he'd die - where was any concern for me or the dogs? He knows it would break my heart if he killed himself. He's an emotionally manipulative, disturbed man. Part of me will always love him but he needs to make his own decisions without me enabling this behaviour.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

JoJoB said:


> I can only think that you may have treated a partner similarly.


Nice dig there. I was on your side, as you can see in response #80, until you started manipulating your past with him to get the police on your side to keep him out of his home. I can only think that you figured out how to do that pretty quickly, didn't take much work at all.


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## JoJoB (3 mo ago)

Exit37 said:


> Nice dig there. I was on your side, as you can see in response #80, until you started manipulating your past with him to get the police on your side to keep him out of his home. I can only think that you figured out how to do that pretty quickly, didn't take much work at all.


You weren't on my side at all. You thought I should move out or let my husband move back in. I really don't know what you're going in about re the past. I gave him the benefit of the doubt at the time but his past and current behaviour show a pattern of the same type of behaviour. Why anyone would think I should move out after 3 years of this kind of behaviour is beyond me. My husband is the abuser, not me. I'm just not going to put up with it anymore


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sadly, he is reason the old insane asylums need to be reinstituted.

Without them, these poor folks end up living under bridges.

Insane people do exist.


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## JoJoB (3 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> Sadly, he is reason the old insane asylums need to be reinstituted.
> 
> Without them, these poor folks end up living under bridges.
> 
> Insane people do exist.


He was released after his overdose. He's always lived a normal life in society, never been in the system for mental health but my relatively straightforward issues of severe anxiety/depression have been masking something that was always there in him and the past 3 years it's been getting out of control. Fetishism runs in the male side of his family. I sincerely hope he did not interfere with his daughter but his family had concerns re his behaviour prior to social services being involved. He does seem to tick every box for autism but that doesn't excuse the fact his behaviour is extremely damaging. His first serious relationship ended weeks after they bought a house together. One of his next girlfriends had a breakdown, I had a breakdown living with him the first time around. I'm not blaming him for everything, of course not, but you have to say enough is enough and it's up to him to get help.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

JoJoB said:


> Thank you. Everyone is saying the same. Of course, some days are extremely tough and I break down but consciously or unconsciously he is hoping this will happen hence the post separation behaviour. He is a very disturbed man and with my own mental health struggles, I don't feel why I should pamper to him (like I have been for years) when this is due to his abuse of me. He cannot cope because he has been flung from his lazy, drinking, fetish, game playing existence into the real world. I am more and more confident I am doing the right thing. He is on bail at present for the historic assault and tried to commit suicide after discussing a separation and how to move forward. For a month I have been trying to care for him, appease him, prevent him from taking his life whilst struggling with my own issues and feelings. No more. His family can deal with him and he needs to make his own decisions now. He's 59 and it's time he took responsibility for his behaviour. I will be fair. We can dog share if he becomes stable enough. He can have what he wants from the home within reason. He can keep his pensions which are worth far more than the home. I have caused nothing of this so I'm focusing on keeping my home and caring for the dogs. I have powered through to put things in place to protect myself and I can't go back because I know things will not change and I can't go through this again. At the end of the day he sent me a nasty text calling me a money grabber (when I would actually be giving up certain financial security with him) and tried to kill himself so I could have it all which I've never asked for or expect. I want him to heal and be happy. I've spent two days not knowing if he'd die - where was any concern for me or the dogs? He knows it would break my heart if he killed himself. He's an emotionally manipulative, disturbed man. Part of me will always love him but he needs to make his own decisions without me enabling this behaviour.


It sounds like handling this in a good way considering what a burden it is. He is only thinking of himself. He has shirked responsibility on every level so of course he's going to try to deflect blame away from himself and defect responsibility for his own situation away from himself and blame you for it. I'm glad you're taking care of the dogs because I doubt if he's capable. He probably doesn't do a good job of it even if he thinks he loves them. 

Just get through this and take care of yourself and the dogs. I think you are going to little by little detach emotionally as he continues and escalates his bad behavior toward you. It is absolutely the right thing to stop enabling him. Whether he's got it in him to ever be better than he is now will no longer be your problem.


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## JoJoB (3 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It sounds like handling this in a good way considering what a burden it is. He is only thinking of himself. He has shirked responsibility on every level so of course he's going to try to deflect blame away from himself and defect responsibility for his own situation away from himself and blame you for it. I'm glad you're taking care of the dogs because I doubt if he's capable. He probably doesn't do a good job of it even if he thinks he loves them.
> 
> Just get through this and take care of yourself and the dogs. I think you are going to little by little detach emotionally as he continues and escalates his bad behavior toward you. It is absolutely the right thing to stop enabling him. Whether he's got it in him to ever be better than he is now will no longer be your problem.


Thank you x


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

@JoJoB ....I totally agree. You have Done enough and put up with enough spit. 
Live with it or Get rid of it


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## JoJoB (3 mo ago)

I still love him for the man he was but enough is enough.


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