# 22 years of lies?



## distraught (Sep 30, 2009)

I've posted before, with bits and pieces of my situation, hoping that a short post would get more readers, thus more advice. 

I'm thinking that if I spell out the entire story, I might have more success gleaning help, so here goes!

I've been married 22 years to a wonderful man. We have our ups and downs like any marriage, but overall, it's been good.

He works very hard in his business, and I've always taken a back seat to that. I've supported him and never questioned his late hours.

When the children were little, I had stumbled upon some unusual activity of his, in the way of subscribing to gay porn sites, and a membership to a telephone gay dating thing. I was a busy mom of 3, so I put it behind me thinking he is was just curious, or "looking"

Years later (about 6 years ago), in another stroke of bad luck, I found an alternate email address of his, with emails in it of gay and pornographic nature.

As a realization came over me, I tried to make things right in our marriage, examining what I could do to turn things around. Thru all of this, I was a lonely, lonely wife... home alone nights until after 11pm, thinking he was so busy at work, providing for us. When nothing seemed to work to make our marriage the loving union it should be, I myself turned to the internet for support. At first it was to find a support group, but that led to husband bashing, and I didn't want that. One search led to another, and soon I was on infidelity sites chatting with married men. Some of the chat was sexual in nature, but for the most part it was sharing stories of our marriages and how we longed for better. I even did the most stupid thing, and met a few for coffee and pleasant conversations. It could have gone further, but I never let it. I was glad for the companionship, and to have a man take an interest in me. I take full responsibility for taking path I never should have... there should have been a better way to fill the void!

Anyways to try to shorten this, he found out... we went thru hell for a few weeks trying to sort things out. I promised to NEVER go down that path again, and he promised to give up the gay porn and all the chats. I suggested counselling, but he would have no part of it. 

Here we are 6 or so years later, and as my BAD luck would have it, he left an alternate email open on his work computer. You guessed it, he was back at it, this time chatting to planning to meet another man for an encounter. His new email tag was something like "even the score". Honestly, I have never gone looking or snooping... I just have this weird luck that these things fall into my lap. I couldn't snoop if my life depended on it! I tried to hack into the new account I had found, but I have NO idea what to do...

This is breaking my heart. It's bad enough that he has lied about this to me all of these years, but the fact that he still feels he needs to "get back" at me is devastating to me.

I honestly feel like our 22 years together have been one big lie!

Any thoughts out there?? Any advice, sympathy, understanding, or a good kick in the butt??

Any comments most appreciated!


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Ummm... the ONLY porn you have found is gay porn? Gay hook up sites, etc? And he never disclosed to you, ever, in all the years that you have been together, that he is, at the very least, bisexual? From the first mention of him having gay porn open... he's gay. He's afraid to come out. 

Just my .02

ETA: And he is/was planning to meet up with another man...


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## distraught (Sep 30, 2009)

Even as we got thru the initial difficulty, he never admitted to being gay. His explanation was that he was abused by a man in authority as a child, and thus he is sexually deviant.

Perhaps even just "talking" with another man about meeting up is what he needs to get off??


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

I am not sure you meeting up with men for coffee is the issue at hand here. I am not excusing that but it doesn't seem to be the root of the issue in my opinion.

What would I do? Run for my life. Competing with another woman? I wouldn't but I guess you could. Competing with another man or his want of a man? Sister...you are not adequately equipped for that one.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Lady, your H is as queer as a three dollar bill. The current research on sexuality indicates that women are on a bisexual continuum and over a lifetime can be all over the map, but men are either straight or gay, with essentially no in-between.

Divorce time.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Lady, your H is as queer as a three dollar bill. The current research on sexuality indicates that women are on a bisexual continuum and over a lifetime can be all over the map, but men are either straight or gay, with essentially no in-between.
> 
> Divorce time.


^this


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Get out of there as fast as you can. I have a relative who were married 8 years, lived a completely normal hetero-life, had 2 kids and walked out on his wife a month before she gave birth to their third child.

He is gay and has known it since youth. His wife has a hard time getting over it - but as Falene says, you can't compete. IMO, just a matter of time before he either cheats or leaves.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Oh, God. Sorry you are in this situation that your husband put you in.

You need to be tested for STDS and HIV.

I am so, so sorry about what your husband has done to you.



> I've been married 22 years to a wonderful man.


Wonderful wife, yes. Wonderful husband? Not sure I can agree 100 percent with you on that one.


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## NotAlwaysEasy (Jun 21, 2012)

I'd be up front with him "I know you are gay, you know you are gay, so please just be honest with me as well as yourself"
If his excuse is true, wouldn't the more appropriate of actions be for him to be seeing a psychiatrist or counsellor, rather than looking at gay porn and planning to meet gay men for encounters? How does his supposed abuse by a male authority figure make it ok for him to do what he has been doing?


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## distraught (Sep 30, 2009)

Wow... some really good insights here. 

The thing is, I have nothing outside of this marriage, and strangely enough, I love him with all that I am. 

More than anything I am devastated over the lies, and his double life. I would be willing to work with him about the gay porn... but the chats and emails is where I would draw the line.

We had an agreement once we got over our first crisis, and I haven't so much as thought about doing anything that might put our marriage in crisis again. So why does he think he has the right to do it? And is he doing it to even the score with me? 

I suppose the answer is to simply ask him... let him know what I know. (what I don't know is something that scares me even more!!)


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

distraught said:


> I honestly feel like our 22 years together have been one big lie!
> 
> Any thoughts out there?? Any advice, sympathy, understanding, or a good kick in the butt??
> 
> Any comments most appreciated!


An affair is an affair is an affair. Gender notwithstanding, if your H is seeking a relationship outside of the marriage, then he is cheating on you. All the advise given on this site applies and you should not be expected to tolerate these extra-marital activities period.

My advise to you would be to treat this (for all practical purposes) as you would if his attention where directed at the opposite sex. His "interests" are a deal-breaker in the marriage and you may have to seriously consider doing what is best for yourself.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Look for more of this sort of behavior now that acceptance of gay life and marriage is "coming out" at every level of society.
I still consider this type of lifestyle an anomaly which may
be caused by some sort of chemical imbalance in the brains of some individuals.
One thing is certain. When the door is ripped off the closet, there's no point in trying to nail it back on because it would be comparable to trying to return rain to the place it fell from.


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## Dunnoanymore (Jun 21, 2012)

I am so sry for you, as i am going thru the same thing.. (19years), He says he loves me and denies anything. I haven't told him i have any proof. I am so scared of leaving, disease etc. I have been contiplating leaving for about 3 months now. I have posted on here but haven't gotten any advice. Maybe i just want a shoulder to cry on or a kick.. I just feel for you cause i know how it feels to love, hurt, and feel the inadeqecy they make u feel. I love my husband also but i dunno if i can do it anymore.. He also makes me feel like i am just snooping and paranoid. That i don't trust. Hmmm big words. Lol


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

Get tested for STD's immediately! You love the man you thought he was. I understand that completely, it's been hard for me to come to the realization that I was in love with a man that probably never existed. There were sides of him I never knew until 20 years into the marriage. I know you are in a world of pain right now, but you have to find a way to think of yourself first now, your physical health depends on it. I'm sorry you are here and that you are in so much pain but all of us here understand the pain you are dealing with. The pain seems unbearable at times but just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will slowly move forward.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

distraught said:


> This is breaking my heart. It's bad enough that he has lied about this to me all of these years, but the fact that he still feels he needs to "get back" at me is devastating to me.
> 
> I honestly feel like our 22 years together have been one big lie!


Yes it sounds like he has been living a lie, and therefore your marriage has been a sham.

If he is gay, that is what he is. Therapy isn't going to "cure" him. There is no way I can wrap my mind around the idea of having gay sex, but I do know that gay men are wired to be attracted to men the same way we hetero men are wired to be attracted to women. So I have sympathy for your husband from the standpoint that he is trying to conform to societal rules which are contrary to who he is.

I give you great applause for stopping yourself from going too far down the path of seeking male attention outside of your marriage. You are a person of integrity.

My opinion is that your husband is probably not really bi-sexual, so he is not likely to be interested in a sexual intimate relationship with you. Or, another way to look at it is that you as a woman will never have the close intimate relationship with this man which you desire.

I think you should set yourself free so you can find the right life partner for yourself. This is not a case of simple infidelity, this is a case of fundamental incompatibility with your husband.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Lone Star said:


> You love the man you thought he was. I understand that completely, it's been hard for me to come to the realization that I was in love with a man that probably never existed. There were sides of him I never knew until 20 years into the marriage.


Ditto. After 29 years of marriage I learned my wife was not at all the person I had thought she was. There is a mourning period for the loss of all we thought was reality but was in fact illusion. And the good parts of the person do exist still. So it is a confusing situation.


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## distraught (Sep 30, 2009)

Everything I'm reading here really hits home, and makes sense. However, the option of leaving him does not exist for me. I don't want to leave, nor do I want to end my marriage.

Confusing indeed Thor! I still can't wrap my mind about this double life he is leading. Just imagine having to carry that lie with you all of your married life! I can't imagine having to cover my tracks, and pretending everything is not what it is! And yes, all of the good parts of him are still there..

That said, how do I go on, living this life of illusion? Do I confront him, and possibly make things worse? Can I make myself believe all is well in our world? Should I ask that I have the option to do some internet stuff (not sure what that might be yet). Should I try to come to some sort of agreement with him? This is all sooo not us... just not sure where to go with this...


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

You really need to talk to him and try and have an open and honest conversation about this situation!
Come on! You can do it!
X


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

distraught said:


> Everything I'm reading here really hits home, and makes sense. However, the option of leaving him does not exist for me. I don't want to leave, nor do I want to end my marriage.
> 
> Confusing indeed Thor! I still can't wrap my mind about this double life he is leading. Just imagine having to carry that lie with you all of your married life! I can't imagine having to cover my tracks, and pretending everything is not what it is! And yes, all of the good parts of him are still there..
> 
> That said, how do I go on, living this life of illusion? * Do I confront him, and possibly make things worse? Can I make myself believe all is well in our world?* Should I ask that I have the option to do some internet stuff (not sure what that might be yet). Should I try to come to some sort of agreement with him? This is all sooo not us... just not sure where to go with this...


You should sit him down and talk to him. Honestly, as much as you don't want to believe it, I truly think your husband is gay. How would you be able to live your life, knowing this, and pretend that everything is alright? You love him, right? I understand that you don't want your marriage to end. But if what we see as signs prove to be true, wouldn't you want HIM to be happy, and for you to find someone who would love you as you SHOULD be loved? I am not suggesting that you cheat on him in any way. But I do think you need to discuss what this means...what you found, everything. Don't let him try to tell you it's nothing. This is the second time you have caught him...with homosexual materials. Get him into counseling, for sure. Not to "knock the gay out of him", but to come to terms with his past, why he has done everything: married a woman when he was likely unsure, looking at gay porn, trying to hook up with men. He does need to talk this out. And the first step is with you telling him what you have seen. My question for you: what are you going to do, how will you react, if/when he comes out to you?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

distraught said:


> That said, how do I go on, living this life of illusion? Do I confront him, and possibly make things worse? Can I make myself believe all is well in our world? Should I ask that I have the option to do some internet stuff (not sure what that might be yet). Should I try to come to some sort of agreement with him? This is all sooo not us... just not sure where to go with this...


I firmly believe that open honesty is the answer. If you are religious, John 8:32 speaks to it. I am not religious but it is nevertheless accurate that the truth will set you free. The outcome of your situation is not going to be Disney Ideal, because your husband is not hetero and he is not faithful. But with open honest non-judgmental discussions you will find the very best possible solution.

Perhaps it is an open marriage, perhaps it is divorce but with friendship. You deserve a fulfilling life yourself!

Perhaps you could talk to a counselor of some sort. Work should offer some kind of free Employee Assistance Program where you get a few sessions at no cost to yourself, and it is absolutely confidential in all ways.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

distraught said:


> Should I ask that I have the option to do some internet stuff (not sure what that might be yet). Should I try to come to some sort of agreement with him? This is all sooo not us... just not sure where to go with this...


If you're not restricted by some religion or other, have the same agreement as Bill and Hillary. He has his girlfriends and she has hers.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

distraught said:


> Everything I'm reading here really hits home, and makes sense. *However, the option of leaving him does not exist for me. *I don't want to leave, nor do I want to end my marriage.


Why not?


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## distraught (Sep 30, 2009)

Why don't I want to leave him? Several reasons. I do love him, and I am willing to work on forgiving him if we can get past the lies, and come to an agreement. I have nothing outside of our marriage... no job of my own, no family to stay with, and I have 3 children that would be destroyed by a divorce. 

I don't want to take the easy way out! I am willing to fight for our marriage, and what our marriage looks like, might not look like the typical one, but it's still a marriage. Walking away would be the very last resort.


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## FOOLED (Jan 11, 2010)

I would wonder why he thinks he needs to "even the score" What did he discover about your internet "activity" in the past ? Is it possable he is under undue stress that he is not normally under for him to withdraw into a fantasy ? I have a friend that went through something very similar and he was a straight guy that was from a conservative background that was too curious and it got him into a world of trouble. IF YOU LOVE HIM SUPPORT HIM >>>


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

distraught said:


> Why don't I want to leave him? Several reasons. I do love him, and I am willing to work on forgiving him if we can get past the lies, and come to an agreement. I have nothing outside of our marriage... no job of my own, no family to stay with, and I have 3 children that would be destroyed by a divorce.
> 
> I don't want to take the easy way out! I am willing to fight for our marriage, and what our marriage looks like, might not look like the typical one, but it's still a marriage. Walking away would be the very last resort.



It sounds like you are more "dependent" on him more than the actual love... you don't feel like you can start out on your own with "nothing",, The first thing you need to do is to get a job... this will give you more confidence with knowing you can make money to support yourself... I hate to tell you, that if he has been on and off "gay" sites all these years,, this isn't a marriage for him, it's a convenience.. someone to take care of him and to "mask" his true self to the public.. He's not ready to yell out to the world " I'm gay"..so he keeps you...

Just my opinion...


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## distraught (Sep 30, 2009)

To answer the post by "fooled", yes he is under tremendous stress with work right now. When we worked this out the first time, he said he turned to the porn sites for a form of escape from the stress. This is one of the reasons I haven't jumped on the situation right away this time. I know the stress he is under, and I think confronting him might make things worse. 

I could live with the porn viewing, but the actual contact with others is where I would draw the line. It is something we will need to hash out, but I have to be in the right place and know he is in the right place to work this out.

As for being dependant on him... not really the case. Financially yes, but we work in the same business (family) I have no interest in starting out on my own. We have a great relationship otherwise, get along famously in our own way. We don't have the best of communication (obviously). I do love him and I know he loves me. His actions don't negate that, just change the landscape of our relationship.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> You really need to talk to him and try and have an open and honest conversation about this situation!
> Come on! You can do it!
> X


Yes. There is NOTHING worse than living a lie. Thats the hardest part about my H's EA. Feels like my life was a lie for at least that year. 

Dont let this happen to you anymore. At very least get everyones cards on the table so you can make an informed decision.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Get yourself tested ASAP, i simply can't stress the importance of this enough. And he needs to seek out an IC.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

So it's more like you're married to a "friend"...?? And just stay at that comfort level. 

You have each other, yet his everyday stress relief is gay porn? 

Instead of talking to or having sex with you for that release?


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## chicka (Jun 27, 2012)

Well I've just been married 3 years and reading something like this and some of the comments its really scary how you can be married to someone 20 years and them carrying a secret like this. Is it better to have little expectations of your marriage partner? You never know what will come out eventually? Or is this an exception. 
I want to spare you my telling you that he is a big jerk for keeping this lie all these years and for even marrying a woman in the first place, if he is gay he should have stayed with men. But there it goes I'm sorry I couldn't help it. Though right now all you need is a hug and some support. I can't help being angry with him. 
You say you will stay with him and that's fine that is your choice. And you are in the same boat as lots of other women I assume, because of the selfishness, stupidity of men like him. 
There are different views on this. But I do not believe he will not change. He either is attracted to men or women. And he wanted a life with kids and a wife but he is attracted to men. He went against his biology. 
But I'm sorry for venting my anger. You did ask for advice, good or bad though. In the end you are a victim and my anger is for him. You are a victim of his and so are his children because his children deserve a father who loves their mother from the very beginning. 
Anyways I am sending you a hug.


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## FOOLED (Jan 11, 2010)

I don't know your working relationship or the stress that might be contributing but this might be a simple release for him. Is he a drinker ? Use recreational drugs ? Everyone needs a release, albeit he has chosen poorly.
Have you figured out why he needs to "get even", What does he think you did when you had your "internet problem"


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What do you mean you have nothing?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

distraught said:


> I've posted before, with bits and pieces of my situation, hoping that a short post would get more readers, thus more advice.
> 
> I'm thinking that if I spell out the entire story, I might have more success gleaning help, so here goes!
> 
> ...


After going back thru and reading your original post here.... I was thinking...

I am not so sure it is your "bad luck". Did it ever cross your mind that he may have left these things open, on purpose, hoping you would see them? He may very well not know how to talk to you about this. Regardless of the outcome, you need to talk to him about this. By keeping it buried (rug sweeping), you will only build up resentment.

And Fooled... him doing this now isn't about "getting even". It sounds more like a progression from the things she found BEFORE she met up with any of her "internet friends". And, while I understand that some men turn to porn rather than work on figuring out what's wrong in their relationships, I've never come across a straight man turning to gay porn... maybe glancing, but not seeking out only gay porn, when so stressed. That makes no sense.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I was thinking the same thing. He wants out but can't just come out and say it. He's hoping she'll help him by doing it herself.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

anonymouskitty said:


> Get yourself tested ASAP, i simply can't stress the importance of this enough. And he needs to seek out an IC.


Equally important is insisting *he* get tested immediately. You have no way to know if he has had any kind of sexual contact outside of the marriage. Just because you are clean of disease today does not mean that he is clean.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

hookares said:


> Look for more of this sort of behavior now that acceptance of gay life and marriage is "coming out" at every level of society.
> I still consider this type of lifestyle an anomaly which may
> be caused by some sort of chemical imbalance in the brains of some individuals..


Let's try to keep the homophobia off this site. There are plenty of sites where you can indulge that.

Thank you.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

distraught said:


> Everything I'm reading here really hits home, and makes sense. However, the option of leaving him does not exist for me. I don't want to leave, nor do I want to end my marriage.
> 
> Confusing indeed Thor! I still can't wrap my mind about this double life he is leading. Just imagine having to carry that lie with you all of your married life! I can't imagine having to cover my tracks, and pretending everything is not what it is! And yes, all of the good parts of him are still there..
> 
> That said, how do I go on, living this life of illusion? Do I confront him, and possibly make things worse? Can I make myself believe all is well in our world? Should I ask that I have the option to do some internet stuff (not sure what that might be yet). Should I try to come to some sort of agreement with him? This is all sooo not us... just not sure where to go with this...


Oh, distraught. I feel so bad for you. I was in a similar situation once.

Do you not want a sexual relationship in your marriage? If not, and if you are content living in a roommate kind of situation, maybe you can work something out. I wouldn't do that, but I'm not you.

This is all still new, so it's okay if it takes you a few weeks to come to grips with what you want to do. Please keep posting, people here are very helpful.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I don't have time to read the whole thing, but yes, he has been lying for 22 years. He is 100% gay. But you know that.

I also suspect from the tone of the first page that you have NO IDEA how many men he has had sex with. Let's just say that there have been some NIGHTS where he has had sex with more men than my wife has had in her ENTIRE LIFE.

I read a book about the early days of the AIDS epedemic. It's called "The Band Played ON". Read it. Essentially, women say "no" in a hetero casual sexual interactions. There's no "no" in gay hook-ups. In the pre-AIDS early 80's, 20,000 sexual partners was the gold standard of being a gay stud. I doubt he's had that many in this day and age, but it's a HELL of a lot more than you fear.

You need to run. FAST


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

MrK, I agree with you that he is gay.

The rest of your post is a bit hyperbolic, and I doubt anyone is having 80s-level gay sex anymore. At any rate, not helpful.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> You have each other, yet his everyday stress relief is gay porn?
> 
> Instead of talking to or having sex with you for that release?


The man is a homosexual. What do you expect?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

lamaga said:


> MrK, I agree with you that he is gay.
> 
> The rest of your post is a bit hyperbolic, and I doubt anyone is having 80s-level gay sex anymore. At any rate, not helpful.


The CDC disagrees.

Also, gay males have a much shorter lifespan due to all the bugs they pick up. OP needs to get checked.


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## distraught (Sep 30, 2009)

Chris Taylor,,, you asked about intimacy. We are intimate... just not as often or as passionate as I would like. I always thought it was just me being needy.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

distraught said:


> Chris Taylor,,, you asked about intimacy. We are intimate... just not as often or as passionate as I would like. I always thought it was just me being needy.


Not to be blunt,, but people do get an urge that they have to release now and then... , I think it happens to be with you, because you are there....you accept him for who he is... I think it lacks passion because you are a woman... it seems that he would rather be with a man...

IMHO ,,, I could be wrong... we don't know his whole story.

I am not trying to sound mean with this.... Just what I get from your story.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Let's try to keep the homophobia off this site. There are plenty of sites where you can indulge that.
> 
> Thank you.


An excellent example of acceptance.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

hookares said:


> An excellent example of acceptance.


I don't accept intolerance. Not in my personal life, not in my professional life, and not here.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Distraught, as I get older the years start to breeze by ever so quickly. Yesterday I was bouncing my daughter on my knee while watching Sesame Street, and today she's bugging me for a car. Do you really want to spend another 22 years living a lie?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

lamaga said:


> MrK, I agree with you that he is gay.
> 
> The rest of your post is a bit hyperbolic, and I doubt anyone is having 80s-level gay sex anymore. At any rate, not helpful.


Oh. Sorry. My bad. I was under the impression that she didn't think he was hooking up. I guess I jumped to that conclusion. I just wanted to relay some information I had read. I thought that maybe IF he was doing a little more than looking, it was a reality she may need to know. To prepare for. But looking back, I guess I was wrong..

I'm so embarassed. I misread her.



distraught said:


> Perhaps even just "talking" with another man about meeting up is what he needs to get off??





distraught said:


> More than anything I am devastated over the lies, and his double life. I would be willing to work with him about the gay porn... but the chats and emails is where I would draw the line.


I just needed to give my opinion that if she's drawing the line on chats and emails, then she needs to know that the chances of him having hooked up are pretty good. As a matter of fact it's inconceivable that he didn't. And I'm guessing that in 22 years, he's had a LOT of men.

But my bad. Sorry to make the OP think it could have been more than just porn and the occasional chat. Lamaga is surely correct. Probably no sex. And if there was, I have NO DOUBT he used protection every time.

You need to go to a gay websight and ask them. I'll bet you get the help you need. I'll bet they aren't too keen on their fellow gays being so embarrassed about their sexuality that they lie about it. And take down innocent people in the process.

See what they think are the chances that he hasn't had A LOT of gay sex. The OP is in denial and needs to get some sense smacked into her. This deceit is surely beyond incomprehensible. That was my goal. And it is probably the most helpful advice she's been given so far.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

Downlow gay/bi-sexual. Would rather "cheat" with a guy because it helps with the guilt. He'd probably never cheat with another woman.

If you have access to his emails for a short period of time, go to craigslist, login but "forget password". It will mail the password to the email account (type in all his emails you know, see if any of them are valid craigslist accounts). You cannot delete account history or ads placed. You can delete them off the open internet classifieds, but you cannot take them out of your history no matter what. You may end up seeing 100s of ads for local one night stand hook ups. This is what gay married men are doing, and in 2012, this is the way it's being done locally.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

lamaga said:


> I don't accept intolerance. Not in my personal life, not in my professional life, and not here.



So if somebody offers an opposing viewpoint, you prefer to condemn rather than just ignore?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

lamaga said:


> I don't accept intolerance. Not in my personal life, not in my professional life, and not here.


Who was intolerant? I must have missed the torches and nooses.


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## FOOLED (Jan 11, 2010)

Wow ..... interesting posts
I think the poster is interested in her marriage


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

And Distraught if you cannot access his email or do not want to pressure him because he is under so much stress why not send him an email to that address letting him know that you would like an open and honest conversation about his homosexual activities.

Tell him that his "GET EVEN" tag is really troubling as well as his secrecy.

Then end the email with "Let's have this conversation soon so we do not waste another 20 years together with secrets in our marriage"!

Of course the nice approach probably will only get you more TT but if you want to stay that is entirely your choice.

HM64


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## distraught (Sep 30, 2009)

Update:
Many thanks to all who sent their opinions and suggestions. I asked for the good and bad... and got both. I must say I'm surprised at the majority suggesting to leave the marriage. I'm not being critical, just surprised. 
This week I've run the gammut of emotions, and I have chosen to work on this, and keep our marriage intact.
As happyman64, above, suggested, I did send an email to his alternate email. (This was actually before I posted here, and he never replied, thus my turn to here.) Well, now he did reply, is very much ashamed, apologetic, and agreed to do what it takes to work through things. That's about where I left it for now. We have some major stressors to handle right now (family health, business issues, kids... that sort of thing), but have agreed to deal with this at a better time, and work through it.
In his last post Chris Taylor suggested that I try some online support groups, so I am heading in that direction, until we as a couple can deal with this. My husband is willing, and I think because this is the second time we've been in this spot, he can now see the ramifications of his actions.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Good, but i sincerely hope you don't go about without getting a STD test done, you and your husband both


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Distraught,
You love your husband. You made that quite clear in your original post.

And I commend you on your willingness to communicate with your WH on his newest round of transgressions.

But take some fellow posters advice. Get both of yourselves tested. 
Put yourself in a position of security as far as finances, legal in case your future talks do not go well.

And most of all put boundaries in place so he realizes there will be penalties in the marriage if he does this again.

I truly hope you both get professional help in solving these issues. And I hope your husband realizes the value he is being given with another chance.

Sexual choices are made everyday in our lives. But they do not belong as secrets in a marriage.

Stay strong in your convictions and your family is in my prayers.

HM64

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FOOLED (Jan 11, 2010)

Is it just me .?.?. Or is there another side of this we have not heard ??


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

distraught, I wish you all the luck in the world in repairing your relationship with your husband.
Just to let you know, I was married for just over twenty years to a woman who valued me as the 3rd or 4th priority in her physical relationship life and in spite of fully footing the bill for her indiscretions, she never even bothered to inform me of my position until she handed me the papers soon after phoning the police about my alleged physical abuse.
My opinion when it comes to the "gay" lifestyle is that if you aren't one of them, you will always be the last thought on their mind.


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## distraught (Sep 30, 2009)

Fooled... not sure what you are getting at. What other side of the story would you like there to be?? Of course there are many more details but that would take pages and pages. 
The bottom line is that my marriage is the foremost priority in my life, and I choose to make that work. It may not end up looking like your marriage, or someone else's marriage, but I am certainly not giving up.
Explain what side of the story you are missing....


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Fooled might be talking about the side of your husband that he is keeping stashed away in the "closet".... IMO

But I hope he seeks help for his issues, and wish you best of luck on regaining a happy marriage.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

FOOLED said:


> Is it just me .?.?. Or is there another side of this we have not heard ??


Yes. It might be just you.

If not, please come out with what you mean.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

distraught, I heard about a couple who found out that the husband, after 20 years of marriage, that the husband needed to be a she, and went through the operations. They decided to stay married, because they still loved each other.


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