# Are my feelings and wants unreasonable?



## RandomGuy2244 (11 mo ago)

I get my feelings hurt by my spouse and when I express thst my feelings are hurt she explains that that wasn't her intent or how there was nothing wrong with what she said. Its possible that I'm just too sensitive and get my feelings hurt when I shouldn't but I still feel a strong need for empathy and understanding when it occurs. If I say my feelings are hurt I'd like an apology and see that my spouse cares instead of defense and explanation on how my hurt feelings are unreasonable. Here's an example:

I ask a question and receive "that doesnt make sense". I respond: that hurts my feelings when you say what I'm saying doesn't make sense. I feel like it discards my perspective...her response is frustration and explanation that she was speaking from HER perspective and that it doesn't make sense to HER and than asks me...I'm not allowed to say that...I'm not allowed to say it doesn't make sense to me? I explain the "to me" part makes all the difference and shout have been added the first time she says it...she explains thst rhst is obvious and implied...

When I bring my feelings to her I often leave feeling like they were rediculous or unreasonable and it's my fault for having them.

This is very possible if I get hurt when other people wouldn't but I still feel like I want validation and empathy whenever it happens. It is possible that I am overly sensitive.

Advice? Could my feelings just be unreasonable and should I just be content with "that wasn't my intent to hurt you"...?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

RandomGuy2244 said:


> I get my feelings hurt by my spouse and when I express thst my feelings are hurt she explains that that wasn't her intent or how there was nothing wrong with what she said. Its possible that I'm just too sensitive and get my feelings hurt when I shouldn't but I still feel a strong need for empathy and understanding when it occurs. If I say my feelings are hurt I'd like an apology and see that my spouse cares instead of defense and explanation on how my hurt feelings are unreasonable. Here's an example:
> 
> I ask a question and receive "that doesnt make sense". I respond: that hurts my feelings when you say what I'm saying doesn't make sense. I feel like it discards my perspective...her response is frustration and explanation that she was speaking from HER perspective and that it doesn't make sense to HER and than asks me...I'm not allowed to say that...I'm not allowed to say it doesn't make sense to me? I explain the "to me" part makes all the difference and shout have been added the first time she says it...she explains thst rhst is obvious and implied...
> 
> ...


Sounds like you can't handle being disagreed with so yeah that's an unreasonable stance. Why should she apologize for having a different opinion? When's the first time you remember expecting that of someone in your life and who was it?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

RandomGuy2244 said:


> It is possible that I am overly sensitive.


Yes.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You are way too soft.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Can you give us a couple of examples of some situations when she told you that what you said makes no sense?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Sounds like you can't handle being disagreed with so yeah that's an unreasonable stance. Why should she apologize for having a different opinion? When's the first time you remember expecting that of someone in your life and who was it?


I think it's just the way the disagreement is expressed, not the disagreement in itself.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


RandomGuy2244 said:



I get my feelings hurt by my spouse and when I express thst my feelings are hurt she explains that that wasn't her intent or how there was nothing wrong with what she said. Its possible that I'm just too sensitive and get my feelings hurt when I shouldn't but I still feel a strong need for empathy and understanding when it occurs. If I say my feelings are hurt I'd like an apology and see that my spouse cares instead of defense and explanation on how my hurt feelings are unreasonable. Here's an example:

I ask a question and receive "that doesnt make sense". I respond: that hurts my feelings when you say what I'm saying doesn't make sense. I feel like it discards my perspective...her response is frustration and explanation that she was speaking from HER perspective and that it doesn't make sense to HER and than asks me...I'm not allowed to say that...I'm not allowed to say it doesn't make sense to me? I explain the "to me" part makes all the difference and shout have been added the first time she says it...she explains thst rhst is obvious and implied...

Click to expand...

*I'm going to be honest. Dealing with you sounds like dealing with a whiny 15 year old teenage drama queen girl. I'd likely blow my head off if I had a grown man whining about his 'feelings' every time I said something that upset his delicate sensibilities. 

You asked, so I told.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Try hearing the "to me" when she says things don't make sense. 

Communication is two ways. You both have to be sensitive to the other's perspective. Since she knows you are overly sensitive it would be nice if she was softer in her approach to you but you need to grow a thicker skin


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

you ARE a sensitive guy! Not saying that is bad, and indeed she may be hard to communicate with or unduley precise in her use of language. or she may just be busting your balls.

So first, like someoe said, toughen up.
Find a gym and take up boxing as a sport, or perhaps Muy Thai or Krav Maga.
After that sensitive side is beat out of you...see if she respects and craves you a little more.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Talker67 said:


> Find a gym and take up boxing as a sport, or perhaps Muy Thai or Krav Maga.


🤣

OP: “to me”
<left hook knocks jaw sideways off the hinge>
OP: <mumbles, can’t talk because jaw hinge busted>

Fixed!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

ccpowerslave said:


> 🤣
> 
> OP: “to me”
> <left hook knocks jaw sideways off the hinge>
> ...


it IS an effective communications method! 

in todays weird world, it is hard to remember what makes us men. and consequently it is hard to project that for some, and get the proper respect you deserve at home. 
there are other things to toughen up....like lifting heavy iron, marathon running, long distance hiking....ironman competitions.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Talker67 said:


> it IS an effective communications method!
> 
> in todays weird world, it is hard to remember what makes us men. and consequently it is hard to project that for some, and get the proper respect you deserve at home.
> there are other things to toughen up....like lifting heavy iron, marathon running, long distance hiking....ironman competitions.


So reading the OP yesterday one thing I noticed is the author uses gendered pronouns to refer to the partner but not for themselves. One thing I wondered is if the OP is a man, woman, or other.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

When she says “that doesn’t make sense” try asking the next question “why not” or “which part”

Grow up, engage in conversation, don’t jump to how your poor little feelings get hurt if she doesn’t fall to her knees in worship when you speak.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Your post doesn't make sense....to me......without a clear example of what you said that doesn't make sense to her.
Does that make sense?

Give _*actual *_examples


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Agreed. Please give some more detail on some examples.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> So reading the OP yesterday one thing I noticed is the author uses gendered pronouns to refer to the partner but not for themselves. One thing I wondered is if the OP is a man, woman, or other.


OP's RandomGuy, so very likely male. I was wondering the same thing when I read it.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

ccpowerslave said:


> So reading the OP yesterday one thing I noticed is the author uses gendered pronouns to refer to the partner but not for themselves. One thing I wondered is if the OP is a man, woman, or other.


Did i just ASSUME THEIR GENDER????


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> So reading the OP yesterday one thing I noticed is the author uses gendered pronouns to refer to the partner but not for themselves. One thing I wondered is if the OP is a man, woman, or other.


The name RandomGuy leads me to be the OP is a he.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Keep it up and your wife won't be speaking to you at all.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

It sounds like you want her to grovel and walk on eggshells around you. If you can’t explain in rational terms why something hurts your feelings but instead are pouting every time there’s a disagreement (not a fight, it sounds like if she doesn’t agree with everything you say or has her own opinions) then you are the problem, not her. It sounds like she is trying to engage in a conversation to find out why you’re hurt and you just want to make her beg for forgiveness all the time.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Mr. Nail said:


> Congratulations on your first post. You've been punched by the guys, and screamed at by the women.
> I wouldn't be back either.


That's being pretty dramatic, don't you think?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Dealing with you sounds like dealing with a whiny 15 year old teenage drama queen girl.


You took the words right out of my mouth. That's exactly how he comes across. That or this is a two women relationship.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Wow, no mercy from this bunch!!!!

Everyone is beating up on you.

Others here, are doing and saying exactly, that which you are troubled by/with.

What can you learn from this banter here?

You need to grow a thick skin and to realize everything (life) is not all about you.

Train yourself to not take everything personal.

Believe it or not, people have many things on their mind, they have their own issues and problems.

Hurting and disparaging you is not at the top of their list of things to do.

Allow others to have their own opinions and thought patterns.

You may be suffering from depression?
Those having depression feel everything a pin-prick.

Lighten up on yourself and lighten up on others.

We all have our demons.

..................................................................

Note: The demons I deal with are real!


_King Brian-_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Food for thought.

................................................................

Those who are judgemental feed off of those things that annoy them.
They themselves live on and dwell in pain.

................................................................

I am judgemental and it is your fault!



_Nemesis-_


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Without more details we have no idea if OP's wife is a mean, raging *****, or if he really is over sensitive.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> Wow, no mercy from this bunch!!!!
> 
> Everyone is beating up on you.
> 
> ...


Not always the case. 

If indeed this wife is toxic, having a "thick skin" is enabling mean, toxic behavior from her.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Without more details we have no idea if OP's wife is a mean, raging ***, or if he really is over sensitive.


The one example HE does give looks to me like pretty clear example of a child who can't handle adversity or honesty in a relationship.



RandomGuy2244 said:


> Here's an example:
> 
> I ask a question and receive "that doesnt make sense". I respond: that hurts my feelings when you say what I'm saying doesn't make sense. I feel like it discards my perspective...her response is frustration and explanation that she was speaking from HER perspective and that it doesn't make sense to HER and than asks me...I'm not allowed to say that...I'm not allowed to say it doesn't make sense to me? I explain the "to me" part makes all the difference and shout have been added the first time she says it...she explains thst rhst is obvious and implied...


So... by my disagreeing with you now @Livvie, under OP's worldview you should be upset and hurt, rather than engaging in meaningful dialog.

I'm sure OP can provide more examples, but just this one example tells me a bunch about the OP. Maybe his wife is a raging *****. That doesn't change who he is.

My own wife had a hard time when I told her how I felt about things for a time.
Any form of disagreement with her or corrective comment was seen as an attack and it hurt her feelings.
That was a horrible place for both of us. We had a several heart-to-hearts before this was resolved.
She didn't understand 'being-on-the-same-team-this-convo-is-not-meant-to-hurt-you-or-us'


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Not always the case.
> 
> If indeed this wife is toxic, having a "thick skin" is enabling mean, toxic behavior from her.


OK

So far, he has only posted once.
It has been 11-12 hours, so he might still return (or not).

TAM may have driven him off!

Or, he may not know (yet) how to work this blog?
Not everyone is internet proficient.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

TAM is not a blog.


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## Texasnative1112 (11 mo ago)

This is his (OP) wife. He shared this post with me, which I am grateful, but in no way do I think he needs to be physically harmed. I DO feel that I have to walk on eggshells. I have a list of things I’m not allowed to say (that includes “I’m confused” “that doesn’t make sense” “I don’t understand” “no, I don’t agree”). If I use them, I will hurt his feelings. I also believe that the weight of his personal validation is on my shoulders exclusively. If I don’t give him the words he wants perfectly, I see everything crashing down (figuratively speaking). 

In summary, I am drowning. I cannot carry this as my sole responsibility and my vocabulary that I’m allowed to use to communicate confusion or lack of understanding is dwindling. It’s not received as me saying “that doesn’t make sense to me” and instead is seen as “you’re ——-fill in negative that hurts his feelings.” Again, drowning, suffocating and exhausted. Expected to validate and carry his emotional well being for every thing.

Here is the exchange:

me: My kids’ counselor hasn’t been paid by their bio dad (per the decree). I am going to have to pay her so the kids can continue to see her and will have to seek enforcement if he (bio dad) doesn’t pay. 

OP: she (counselor) can file a claim through a collections company.

me: that doesn’t make sense. She has to be paid, the agreement is that she will be by me if bio dad doesn’t. I cannot expect for her to treat the kids without being paid for her time.

background: as with all counselors, a payment agreement was made and signed, the kids have seen this counselor for five years, they need continuous care, she’s in private practice and does not take insurance, collections is a long and expensive process, she would not see the kids with my backing out of my agreement, she’s shown grace (the bill is almost 1k!) but out of respect, I have no expectation that she will continue to treat for free. (All known or shared with OP/nothing coming out of left field or a bomb dropped about the agreement. I do know having to pay is a shock because it’s not what the decree says bio dad should do, but nothing about the agreement or bio dad’s behavior is new.)


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Texasnative1112 said:


> This is his (OP) wife. He shared this post with me, which I am grateful, but in no way do I think he needs to be physically harmed. I DO feel that I have to walk on eggshells. I have a list of things I’m not allowed to say (that includes “I’m confused” “that doesn’t make sense” “I don’t understand” “no, I don’t agree”). If I use them, I will hurt his feelings. I also believe that the weight of his personal validation is on my shoulders exclusively. If I don’t give him the words he wants perfectly, I see everything crashing down (figuratively speaking).
> 
> In summary, I am drowning. I cannot carry this as my sole responsibility and my vocabulary that I’m allowed to use to communicate confusion or lack of understanding is dwindling. It’s not received as me saying “that doesn’t make sense to me” and instead is seen as “you’re ——-fill in negative that hurts his feelings.” Again, drowning, suffocating and exhausted. Expected to validate and carry his emotional well being for every thing.
> 
> ...


What your husband is telling you is that you cannot disagree with him even when he is wrong. Hmmm, in the dating world this would be a "next". How long have you been married to this petty dictator?

eta: Maybe he says stupid crap to get a rise out of you and then he can pull his 'hurt feelings' routine for attention. Kinda enough about you, now let's talk about me.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Texasnative1112 said:


> This is his (OP) wife. He shared this post with me, which I am grateful, but in no way do I think he needs to be physically harmed. I DO feel that I have to walk on eggshells. I have a list of things I’m not allowed to say (that includes “I’m confused” “that doesn’t make sense” “I don’t understand” “no, I don’t agree”). If I use them, I will hurt his feelings. I also believe that the weight of his personal validation is on my shoulders exclusively. If I don’t give him the words he wants perfectly, I see everything crashing down (figuratively speaking).
> 
> In summary, I am drowning. I cannot carry this as my sole responsibility and my vocabulary that I’m allowed to use to communicate confusion or lack of understanding is dwindling. It’s not received as me saying “that doesn’t make sense to me” and instead is seen as “you’re ——-fill in negative that hurts his feelings.” Again, drowning, suffocating and exhausted. Expected to validate and carry his emotional well being for every thing.
> 
> ...


This is exactly what I suspected @Texasnative1112 and thank you for adding color to the conversation.

I was you.

You can't hardly say anything in disagreement or risk blowing everything up. It sucks.
I tried asking the question "how then should I talk to you" which caused crying and hurt feelings ugg!

Ultimately (over time and reinforcement of actions/words) I was able to convince her that:
1. I might not always be the best communicator so please don't react negatively until we have a chance to clarify
2. We're on the same team for life. Anything I say is not mean to cause pain or damage us
3. I really have to be able to talk to you, I really need you to give me enough trust that I have our best intentions in mind.

Even after this, I was super-careful for a while about word choices.

Now after 20 or so years, I can talk about anything with her and she doesn't immediately assume I'm attacking or berating her.

In the end, if this wouldn't work then we would not have been able to continue as a couple. I can't not communicate...that's a death sentence to a relationship.

Thanks again for your post. And best of luck to you.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Texasnative1112 said:


> This is his (OP) wife. He shared this post with me, which I am grateful, but in no way do I think he needs to be physically harmed. I DO feel that I have to walk on eggshells. I have a list of things I’m not allowed to say (that includes “I’m confused” “that doesn’t make sense” “I don’t understand” “no, I don’t agree”). If I use them, I will hurt his feelings. I also believe that the weight of his personal validation is on my shoulders exclusively. If I don’t give him the words he wants perfectly, I see everything crashing down (figuratively speaking).
> 
> In summary, I am drowning. I cannot carry this as my sole responsibility and my vocabulary that I’m allowed to use to communicate confusion or lack of understanding is dwindling. It’s not received as me saying “that doesn’t make sense to me” and instead is seen as “you’re ——-fill in negative that hurts his feelings.” Again, drowning, suffocating and exhausted. Expected to validate and carry his emotional well being for every thing.
> 
> ...


Wow, a rare case we get to see both sides. 

I would agree that it would be exhausting to have to watch what you say with your spouse. He does sound overly sensitive. However, what we don't fully grasp is how are these things being said. I can easily make the statement, "that doesn't make sense" sound like very diplomatic, or sound like the other person is a total idiot.

In your example you are absolutely correct, it doesn't really make sense. If she doesn't get paid she won't keep seeing the kids, period. How did you say it to him though? I know I've been guilty of saying something that was completely correct, but the way I said it made my wife feel like I was calling her stupid. I didn't stop disagreeing with her, but I was more aware of how I disagreed with her. Could that be what is going on with you and your husband?


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## Texasnative1112 (11 mo ago)

Let me also add that I do love my husband and I am not sharing to disrespect him or jump on any bandwagon.

I would not and do not advocate for any harm of him emotional or otherwise.

I do not believe that we can have a marriage without trying to see the other person’s perspective. I DO believe that we do not have to share the same perspective and that having different perspectives does NOT invalidate the other. It simply says I don’t see it the same way, not one of us is wrong. 

I believe it is healthy to say that I don’t see things the same way when asked, otherwise I share nothing. I also share I understand you’re (he’s) hurt and that I never meant to do so and that I’m sorry feelings were hurt.

It’s just not enough. I MUST say I see things his way. This feels dishonest because I am my own person with my own thoughts and when they don’t align with his perspective, I cannot say otherwise and remain in truth.

I hope this makes sense and it is coming across as someone who wants the best for my husband, who loves him but is stuck with the knowledge that I will never succeed in solely meeting his needs.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Texasnative1112 said:


> It’s just not enough. I MUST say I see things his way. This feels dishonest because I am my own person with my own thoughts and when they don’t align with his perspective, I cannot say otherwise and remain in truth.


I understand what you're saying and what you mean. It sounds from his post like he takes disagreements of opinion or even questions about his opinion very personally. This honestly sounds like he isn't being fair or respectful to you. I have the same problem, but the other way. My H has a bit of a brusque manner (understatement) and sometimes he'll say, "Think about it!" in a way that both wounds and enrages me. I have to take a deep breath and remember we are on the same team and he's not trying to hurt me. He is who is, and who wants to be married to someone who says "yes" to everything and doesn't think for themselves? If I didn't care what he thought I wouldn't ask him, and while I can ask him to try to be gentler, I also have to be realistic and not expect him to tiptoe over my soft feelz. I see both sides of this problem, and it sounds like you're trying and frankly, he isn't. He needs to realize that you're not attacking him, and also that his word isn't carved into stone tablets, your opinion matters too.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Texasnative1112 said:


> I MUST say I see things his way.





Blondilocks said:


> How long have you been married to this petty dictator?


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## Texasnative1112 (11 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Wow, a rare case we get to see both sides.
> 
> I would agree that it would be exhausting to have to watch what you say with your spouse. He does sound overly sensitive. However, what we don't fully grasp is how are these things being said. I can easily make the statement, "that doesn't make sense" sound like very diplomatic, or sound like the other person is a total idiot.
> 
> In your example you are absolutely correct, it doesn't really make sense. If she doesn't get paid she won't keep seeing the kids, period. How did you say it to him though? I know I've been guilty of saying something that was completely correct, but the way I said it made my wife feel like I was calling her stupid. I didn't stop disagreeing with her, but I was more aware of how I disagreed with her. Could that be what is going on with you and your husband?


I said it with confusion and the explanation of why.
It wasn’t said in a mean tone and I didn’t think he was saying something stupid. It wasn’t a heated exchange, either.
I DO appreciate and respect your care and questions.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Texasnative1112 said:


> Let me also add that I do love my husband and I am not sharing to disrespect him or jump on any bandwagon.
> 
> I would not and do not advocate for any harm of him emotional or otherwise.
> 
> ...


You're absolutely coming across with right perspective on things.

Your hubby is a man who needs to find his man-parts as far as communication goes.
----------------
OP put on a thicker skin, listen to your wife and respect her thoughts and opinions. 

She might be right at times. You might be wrong. That's life.
Love her and trust her to have valid opinions and thoughts that might not align with yours.
It doesn't mean she wants to hurt you. it's just means she's a living breathing human being.

Talk to her, ask questions, engage in conversation rather than lashing out with "I'm Hurt" bs.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Texasnative1112 said:


> I have a list of things I’m not allowed to say (that includes “I’m confused” “that doesn’t make sense” “I don’t understand” “no, I don’t agree”). If I use them, I will hurt his feelings. I


Whoa: Your husband is something isn't? You're not allow??? WTF, who this drama queen thinks he is? are you his child? will he put you in a corner with time out if you say the words? 

His problems goes beyond "hurt" feelings, He not only comes across as a "drama queen" but as an overbearing, insecure, over sensitive ass. You need to stand your ground with ****s like him.
Basically, what he does, is to steer the outcome of the conversation towards his liking (that's controlling). You have a controlling spouse.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Texasnative1112 said:


> This is his (OP) wife. He shared this post with me, which I am grateful, but in no way do I think he needs to be physically harmed. I DO feel that I have to walk on eggshells. I have a list of things I’m not allowed to say (that includes “I’m confused” “that doesn’t make sense” “I don’t understand” “no, I don’t agree”). If I use them, I will hurt his feelings. I also believe that the weight of his personal validation is on my shoulders exclusively. If I don’t give him the words he wants perfectly, I see everything crashing down (figuratively speaking).
> 
> In summary, I am drowning. I cannot carry this as my sole responsibility and my vocabulary that I’m allowed to use to communicate confusion or lack of understanding is dwindling. It’s not received as me saying “that doesn’t make sense to me” and instead is seen as “you’re ——-fill in negative that hurts his feelings.” Again, drowning, suffocating and exhausted. Expected to validate and carry his emotional well being for every thing.
> 
> ...


With all the hot confident cowboys running around Texas I have no idea how a woman could end up with a pillow soft 🐈

I mean seriously… he had to send his wife here to defend him ???? Geeezzzz….


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## davebrubeck1 (Dec 2, 2021)

OP sound like me a few years ago. 

The good news is, you will be able to tolerate your wife saying "that doesn't make sense", and have more productive conversations with her and many others you care about, if you start loving yourself instead of seeking validation from others. 

Please read No More Mr Nice Guy.


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## NotSoAverageJoe (May 12, 2021)

He sounds a bit narcissistic to me. No one can disagree with him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, your feelings and wants are unreasonable. What are you going to do about it?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

We all have our issues. If the wife knows he doesn't like certain statements, she can avoid them. It's not the end of the world. Is the wife perfect? Probably not. Yes, it's annoying, but marriage is a compromise. A better way to solve the issue would be to suggest counselling, IMO.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

OP you might be hurt by all these voices telling you that you're wrong.
Stop that.

In this thread you'll hear the truth as I see it, as someone else sees it, as your wife sees it, etc.

Listen to all the voices with an open mind and use them to improve your marriage. Whatever that looks like for you, use it to make your lives better.
It doesn't matter if you agree with everyone or anyone at all. That's not the point. 

The point is to have a better relationship with your wife and a stronger marriage. That's a life-long process.

So stop playing the victim and start using information from here and the voice of your life partner to make your lives better.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Sometimes I go to my partner for support, to validate my feelings and to make me feel good. Sometimes I go to my partner for a different perspective and want to hear their opinion. 

I too get my feelings hurt when I don’t receive what I want in terms of the conversation especially when I am coming from something I am super passionate about. Like I don’t want to hear the other side of things I just want to vent and be supportive. 

Your wife is a terrible communicator. You are going to her with an issue, and she is turning it around on you making you the bad one, and then your issue never gets addressed. It’s really really ****ty.


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

You can't change the way people think. When she explains herself, she is explaining that she didn't mean to hurt your feelings. If she said "I'm sorry" all the time, you would question her sincerety. The reality is that sometimes we get our feelings hurt based on the way we take things, interpret things, and our mood as often as we do by the way things are phrased. You need to adapt to the way she communicates.


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## SGr (Mar 19, 2015)

Texasnative1112 said:


> This is his (OP) wife. He shared this post with me, which I am grateful, but in no way do I think he needs to be physically harmed. I DO feel that I have to walk on eggshells. I have a list of things I’m not allowed to say (that includes “I’m confused” “that doesn’t make sense” “I don’t understand” “no, I don’t agree”). If I use them, I will hurt his feelings. I also believe that the weight of his personal validation is on my shoulders exclusively. If I don’t give him the words he wants perfectly, I see everything crashing down (figuratively speaking).
> 
> In summary, I am drowning. I cannot carry this as my sole responsibility and my vocabulary that I’m allowed to use to communicate confusion or lack of understanding is dwindling. It’s not received as me saying “that doesn’t make sense to me” and instead is seen as “you’re ——-fill in negative that hurts his feelings.” Again, drowning, suffocating and exhausted. Expected to validate and carry his emotional well being for every thing.
> 
> ...


So basically, the only response you’re allowed, besides “Yes,” “No,” or “Okay,” is “Huh?"

But then again, depending on how you say that it can be interpreted as being too aggressive. 

Good luck.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Texasnative1112 said:


> This is his (OP) wife. He shared this post with me, which I am grateful, but in no way do I think he needs to be physically harmed. I DO feel that I have to walk on eggshells. I have a list of things I’m not allowed to say (that includes “I’m confused” “that doesn’t make sense” “I don’t understand” “no, I don’t agree”). If I use them, I will hurt his feelings. I also believe that the weight of his personal validation is on my shoulders exclusively. If I don’t give him the words he wants perfectly, I see everything crashing down (figuratively speaking).
> 
> In summary, I am drowning. I cannot carry this as my sole responsibility and my vocabulary that I’m allowed to use to communicate confusion or lack of understanding is dwindling. It’s not received as me saying “that doesn’t make sense to me” and instead is seen as “you’re ——-fill in negative that hurts his feelings.” Again, drowning, suffocating and exhausted. Expected to validate and carry his emotional well being for every thing.
> 
> ...


Maybe you shouldn’t say… that doesn’t make sense. It’s a blunt statement and I can understand that bothering a sensitive person. You could of said that whole paragraph without saying that doesn’t make sense.


I get the feeling you guys are very against each other. I can tell how you guys speak about and to each other. Marriage is a compromise. He is sensitive, it is who he is. You need to be careful how you speak to him. And he needs to try and let some things go. BOTH of you need to put effort into changing of your want this marriage to be good.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

RandomGuy2244 said:


> Here's an example:
> 
> I ask a question and receive "that doesnt make sense". I respond: that hurts my feelings when you say what I'm saying doesn't make sense. I feel like it discards my perspective...her response is frustration and explanation that she was speaking from HER perspective and that it doesn't make sense to HER and than asks me...I'm not allowed to say that...I'm not allowed to say it doesn't make sense to me? I explain the "to me" part makes all the difference and shout have been added the first time she says it...she explains thst rhst is obvious and implied...


I respond: "that hurts my feelings" - said no guy ever in the history of guyhood.

seriously though, even if my wife said that, I'd think she's a winy puss; if a guy said that to me, I'd probably deck him.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Girl_power said:


> Sometimes I go to my partner for support, to validate my feelings and to make me feel good. Sometimes I go to my partner for a different perspective and want to hear their opinion.
> 
> I too get my feelings hurt when I don’t receive what I want in terms of the conversation especially when I am coming from something I am super passionate about. Like I don’t want to hear the other side of things I just want to vent and be supportive.
> 
> Your wife is a terrible communicator. You are going to her with an issue, and she is turning it around on you making you the bad one, and then your issue never gets addressed. It’s really really ****ty.


Oh crap!! nothing worse than over sensitive people that think we all have to cater to their over sensitivities, insecurities, and needs for reassurances. Grow up and confront reality. Where is the world going to. Pretty soon humans will have to walk around with a muzzle in their mouth. Their expressions and thoughts will not be allowed to be heard. it's happening already. look at the US, if you say a word that is misconstrue by any particular group of people you're immediately "cancelled". have we become a chickened bunch that we're allowing this to happens? Do not cry when you're being dragged to jail because you sang "baby it's cold outside"

In this case the wife is not a terrible communicator, you are seeing that way. The wife has to put up with being censored by an overbearing, insecure, controlling dude that can't deal with things not going his way, because is his way or the highway, per what i gather from what he said and she said.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Rob_1 said:


> Oh crap!! nothing worse than over sensitive people that think we all have to cater to their over sensitivities, insecurities, and needs for reassurances. Grow up and confront reality. Where is the world going to. Pretty soon humans will have to walk around with a muzzle in their mouth. Their expressions and thoughts will not be allowed to be heard. it's happening already. look at the US, if you say a word that is misconstrue by any particular group of people you're immediately "cancelled". have we become a chickened bunch that we're allowing this to happens? Do not cry when you're being dragged to jail because you sang "baby it's cold outside"
> 
> In this case the wife is not a terrible communicator, you are seeing that way. The wife has to put up with being censored by an overbearing, insecure, controlling dude that can't deal with things not going his way, because is his way or the highway, per what i gather from what he said and she said.


If I can’t look to my partner for emotional support there is no point to having a partner.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

RandomGuy2244 said:


> I get my feelings hurt by my spouse and when I express thst my feelings are hurt she explains that that wasn't her intent or how there was nothing wrong with what she said. Its possible that I'm just too sensitive and get my feelings hurt when I shouldn't but I still feel a strong need for empathy and understanding when it occurs. If I say my feelings are hurt I'd like an apology and see that my spouse cares instead of defense and explanation on how my hurt feelings are unreasonable. Here's an example:
> 
> I ask a question and receive "that doesnt make sense". I respond: that hurts my feelings when you say what I'm saying doesn't make sense. I feel like it discards my perspective...her response is frustration and explanation that she was speaking from HER perspective and that it doesn't make sense to HER and than asks me...I'm not allowed to say that...I'm not allowed to say it doesn't make sense to me? I explain the "to me" part makes all the difference and shout have been added the first time she says it...she explains thst rhst is obvious and implied...
> 
> ...


When you want empathy from your spouse, do you give them a clear signal that you are not looking for them to solve your problems, nor for them to try to understand your problems, that you just want them to give you empathy and moral support for your struggle?

Some spouses would think that continuing to allow their spouse to suffer is not what they should do and would be a sign of their being a failure. 

Have you told your spouse that sometimes you just want moral support? Have you agreed with your spouse on a way to signal when you only want moral support and empathy?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Rob_1 said:


> Whoa: Your husband is something isn't? You're not allow??? WTF, who this drama queen thinks he is? are you his child? will he put you in a corner with time out if you say the words?
> 
> His problems goes beyond "hurt" feelings, He not only comes across as a "drama queen" but as an overbearing, insecure, over sensitive ass. You need to stand your ground with ****s like him.
> Basically, what he does, is to steer the outcome of the conversation towards his liking (that's controlling). You have a controlling spouse.


I agree. He's a controlling overly sensitive mess who needs to get into therapy. She sounds normal enough to me except that if I were her I would have ran by now.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

OP first thing you need to know. You're a guy ... nobody cares about your feelings. So get over yourself and hold down the fort. If you need to vent do it at poker night, not to your wife.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Girl_power said:


> If I can’t look to my partner for emotional support there is no point to having a partner.


Correct, but we're not talking about emotional support in this thread, aren't we? He asked: 
*Are my feelings and wants unreasonable?*

Pretty much his feelings and wants are unreasonable. The guy is a controlling drama queen.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Rob_1 said:


> Correct, but we're not talking about emotional support in this thread, aren't we? He asked:
> *Are my feelings and wants unreasonable?*
> 
> Pretty much his feelings and wants are unreasonable. The guy is a controlling drama queen.


If you reverse the roles where it was a woman saying that to her man, telling him what to say how to respond, that would be totally unacceptable too.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> We all have our issues. If the wife knows he doesn't like certain statements, she can avoid them.* It's not the end of the world.* Is the wife perfect? Probably not. Yes, it's annoying, but marriage is a compromise. A better way to solve the issue would be to suggest counselling, IMO.





In Absentia said:


> I think it's just the way the disagreement is expressed, not the disagreement in itself.


_Well, you're wrong. Who knew? (hint - moi)_



Texasnative1112 said:


> It’s just not enough. I MUST say I see things his way. This feels dishonest because I am my own person with my own thoughts and when they don’t align with his perspective, I cannot say otherwise and remain in truth.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> If I can’t look to my partner for emotional support there is no point to having a partner.


Well he certainly isn't supporting her so I would say if there's a deficit between the two on supporting your partner, his is the greater deficit because he's going beyond not supporting her into bullying and controlling her.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Sounds like you're a highly sensitive person (HST), and I can empathize because I'm the same way. The joy of relationships is that you have 2 people with different experiences, morals, values and opinions, etc. coming together, and you both need to understand that you need to work together. I ran into this in my former marriage.

My family relations is much like you describe: not heard, disregarded, made fun of, called names, you name it. It's been a whole lot of un-fun! What some people don't realize is that while they think that there's nothing wrong with what they say/do, the way they come across to others may be hurtful. It would be lovely for them to acknowledge that and give an apology, but that's not the way it works, unfortunately, and that's something that you need to be OK with.

You can either accept your wife for who she is, and become a little more hardened to her actions. Instead of reacting, try the grey stone method.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well he certainly isn't supporting her so I would say if there's a deficit between the two on supporting your partner, his is the greater deficit because he's going beyond not supporting her into bullying and controlling her.


I think this is just a case of 2 people communicating differently. I am like his wife, I communicate very bluntly and to the point. And I have noticed that rubs some people the wrong way. So I have tried to learn more about communicating instead of telling everyone their feelings are wrong. 

When someone says something, it’s common courtesy not to say… your wrong. That’s not right. 

With the scenario with paying the kids therapist… he gave what he thought was a good idea. There is a tactful way of not shutting him down or correcting him. 

When you live with someone who constantly shuts you down, or tells your bluntly your wrong, I think it can get tiring. 


I dated a guy once that would re state what I said in a different way as in to correct my “wrong” idea even though he agreed with me. It was like he had to have the final say, but he did it in a way that put my reply down. Because In the end, it’s basically saying your wrong, I’m right and let me tell you why.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I don’t think we have enough information here to really know what’s going on. All I know is that a man came on here to try to get some advice because his wife bulldozes him, and he got made fun of by people he wanted advice from. Then his wife took over the thread. 

It seems to me that he is unable to express how he feels. And I understand why… people treat him bad when he does. The wife came on here and made it about herself. Just like she does when he is trying to talk about his feelings.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Texasnative1112 said:


> (All known or shared with OP/nothing coming out of left field or a bomb dropped about the agreement. I do know having to pay is a shock because it’s not what the decree says bio dad should do, but nothing about the agreement or bio dad’s behavior is new.)


The OP suggested a solution that he already knew was not feasible and then insisted that she had to agree with him otherwise his feelings would be hurt. WTH? 

Some people throw a fit or go into a rage to gain control of a convo rather than admit they are wrong or genuinely try to resolve the communication problem. 

The OP is behaving like an insecure, spoiled child with having to have his own way.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Texasnative1112 said:


> This is his (OP) wife. He shared this post with me, which I am grateful, but in no way do I think he needs to be physically harmed. I DO feel that I have to walk on eggshells. I have a list of things I’m not allowed to say (that includes “I’m confused” “that doesn’t make sense” “I don’t understand” “no, I don’t agree”). If I use them, I will hurt his feelings. I also believe that the weight of his personal validation is on my shoulders exclusively. If I don’t give him the words he wants perfectly, I see everything crashing down (figuratively speaking).
> 
> In summary, I am drowning. I cannot carry this as my sole responsibility and my vocabulary that I’m allowed to use to communicate confusion or lack of understanding is dwindling. It’s not received as me saying “that doesn’t make sense to me” and instead is seen as “you’re ——-fill in negative that hurts his feelings.” Again, drowning, suffocating and exhausted. Expected to validate and carry his emotional well being for every thing.


Ah, now that I'm seeing this from your perspective as well, I have to say that while your husband is highly sensitive, it sounds like he places rules on you so that you are in charge of his happiness, and that's not a good thing. If anyone validation to that degree to ensure happiness, then external help is needed. My now XH had a list of things that I wasn't allowed to say either, and if I slipped up, he would pick a huge argument for a couple of hours. Not worth is, and you shouldn't have to police what you say; that means that you're not actually being yourself.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Rob_1 said:


> Oh crap!! nothing worse than over sensitive people that think we all have to cater to their over sensitivities, insecurities, and needs for reassurances. Grow up and confront reality. Where is the world going to. Pretty soon humans will have to walk around with a muzzle in their mouth. Their expressions and thoughts will not be allowed to be heard. it's happening already. look at the US, if you say a word that is misconstrue by any particular group of people you're immediately "cancelled". have we become a chickened bunch that we're allowing this to happens? Do not cry when you're being dragged to jail because you sang "baby it's cold outside"
> 
> In this case the wife is not a terrible communicator, you are seeing that way. The wife has to put up with being censored by an overbearing, insecure, controlling dude that can't deal with things not going his way, because is his way or the highway, per what i gather from what he said and she said.


Personally, I see both sides. I'm a highly sensitive person who's been called names, laughed at and demeaned by my family. They have told me to suck it up, grow a backbone and grow up. They like to manipulate, control and gaslight, and through all of it, I'm supposed to smile and just take it. It royally sucks a big piece of something. BUT, on the flip-side, I was also married to a man who was much the same way, except that he censored me as well. I wasn't allowed to say certain words, nor was I allowed to live my life without his permission (going for supper with a girlfriend or something simple like taking a bath were things that I needed his permission for). It also sucks to be censored because you walk around on eggshells, All. The. Time. So, I'm a rare one who can see things from both sides here.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Girl_power said:


> It seems to me that he is unable to express how he feels.


You seem to want to overlook what the wife exposed:



Texasnative1112 said:


> I DO feel that I have to walk on eggshells.* I have a list of things I’m not allowed to say* (that includes “I’m confused” “that doesn’t make sense” “I don’t understand” “no, I don’t agree”). If I use them, I will hurt his feelings. I also believe that the weight of his personal validation is on my shoulders exclusively. If I don’t give him the words he wants perfectly, I see everything crashing down (figuratively speaking).


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Yea relationships shouldn’t be this hard.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Based on what has been shared, I’d conclude that the feelings and wants are manipulative. And yeah, that’s unreasonable.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Ursula said:


> Personally, I see both sides. I'm a highly sensitive person who's been called names, laughed at and demeaned by my family. They have told me to suck it up, grow a backbone and grow up. They like to manipulate, control and gaslight, and through all of it, I'm supposed to smile and just take it. It royally sucks a big piece of something. BUT, on the flip-side, I was also married to a man who was much the same way, except that he censored me as well. I wasn't allowed to say certain words, nor was I allowed to live my life without his permission (going for supper with a girlfriend or something simple like taking a bath were things that I needed his permission for). It also sucks to be censored because you walk around on eggshells, All. The. Time. So, I'm a rare one who can see things from both sides here.


Still no one owns anything to oversensitive, insecure people. The first rule of nature is survival of the fittest. The world is not what we want it to believe it is. It's a ruthless, dangerous place to live. many of those that have not other view of the world but of that from the comfort of their home, never being exposed to anything other than pettiness, wants, or harsh words, have seen nothing yet of the harshness of this world. 

So in my opinion if you're an over sensitive and/or insecure person, It's your cross to bear and deal with, not other people. In your case experience as you explained it is not your sensitiveness per set, but the abuse that you endured that was the problem. In OP case, regardless of how sensitive he might be, he's coming across as an over sensitive, controlling jerk. The balls he has to tell his wife you can't say these words. What an ass.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

RandomGuy2244 said:


> I get my feelings hurt by my spouse and when I express thst my feelings are hurt she explains that that wasn't her intent or how there was nothing wrong with what she said. Its possible that I'm just too sensitive and get my feelings hurt when I shouldn't but I still feel a strong need for empathy and understanding when it occurs. If I say my feelings are hurt I'd like an apology and see that my spouse cares instead of defense and explanation on how my hurt feelings are unreasonable. Here's an example:
> 
> I ask a question and receive "that doesnt make sense". I respond: that hurts my feelings when you say what I'm saying doesn't make sense. I feel like it discards my perspective...her response is frustration and explanation that she was speaking from HER perspective and that it doesn't make sense to HER and than asks me...I'm not allowed to say that...I'm not allowed to say it doesn't make sense to me? I explain the "to me" part makes all the difference and shout have been added the first time she says it...she explains thst rhst is obvious and implied...
> 
> ...


This post, doesn't make sense.

Sorry I couldn't help myself. I know, I know, I'll leave now.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Honey I think I see a shiny quarter in the middle of the intersection, I think I’m going to run and grab it!

_That won’t work, you could be hit by a car! It doesn’t make sense!_

<feels_hurt/>I wish you’d word that as, “doesn’t make sense *to me*”…

🤔 Yeah I think the OP might be overly sensitive.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Livvie said:


> That's being pretty dramatic, don't you think?


It's true. He has feelings. Some people are more sensitive than others and this guy didn't deserve to be told he's being a cry baby. He could have been given sympathy and been told how to get get her to listen. His feelings matter just as much as anyone else's. Geez.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Dear OP I have struggled with the same thing. At work and my family. I got the book by Joyce Meyer called "Approval Addiction " and it changed my so much. It helped me to stop letting what people say hurt me but what I have done for instance my little sister. I pulled her aside and told her me being the laughing stock and everyone thinking it's funny to talk about how ditzy I am really hurts me, and especially for her to join in on it. She had no idea and apologized and has never done it since. Another time at work I had to pull someone to the side and ask her if she doesn't like me. She was one of my bosses. We talked it out and come to find out I was wrong and she liked me. Ok now there is my mother who is the rudest ***** anyone could ever meet. I finally got the nerve to speak up to her when she tells me or my father to shut up. She doesn't care what anyone else thinks because if they don't think like her they are stupid. It really messes with a person's self esteem when they are brought up that way. So anyway get the book. It is worth it. It helped me realize I don't have to worry about what others think or say. I learned to love myself. Hope it all works out. I'm sure you don't want to be sent to collections. I'm sure it was a very stressful thing to worry about. That is a lot of money. Things somehow always work out so try to not worry too much and take everything too personal. Ignore when needed and move on to something else.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

CantSitStill said:


> Dear OP I have struggled with the same thing. At work and my family. I got the book by Joyce Meyer called "Approval Addiction " and it changed my so much. It helped me to stop letting what people say hurt me but what I have done for instance my little sister. I pulled her aside and told her me being the laughing stock and everyone thinking it's funny to talk about how ditzy I am really hurts me, and especially for her to join in on it. She had no idea and apologized and has never done it since. Another time at work I had to pull someone to the side and ask her if she doesn't like me. She was one of my bosses. We talked it out and come to find out I was wrong and she liked me. Ok now there is my mother who is the rudest *** anyone could ever meet. I finally got the nerve to speak up to her when she tells me or my father to shut up. She doesn't care what anyone else thinks because if they don't think like her they are stupid. It really messes with a person's self esteem when they are brought up that way. So anyway get the book. It is worth it. It helped me realize I don't have to worry about what others think or say. I learned to love myself. Hope it all works out. I'm sure you don't want to be sent to collections. I'm sure it was a very stressful thing to worry about. That is a lot of money. Things somehow always work out so try to not worry too much and take everything too personal. Ignore when needed and move on to something else.


Like I previously said: no one in this world owes you anything. It's your own cross and responsibility to bear. You can't expect the world to cater to your genetic makeup, just because it's you. That's not how the world is made up, whether you accept it or not. Remember: survival of the fittest, that's how the world is made up. Everything else take your place in the totem.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

CantSitStill said:


> It's true. He has feelings. Some people are more sensitive than others and this guy didn't deserve to be told he's being a cry baby. He could have been given sympathy and been told how to get get her to listen. His feelings matter just as much as anyone else's. Geez.


OP can be hurt all he wants, the feelings are completely valid. And he can communicate those to his wife, that is also valid and expected.

But what he can’t do (and keep a healthy marriage) is try to override and diminish his wife’s feelings with his own.

His wife thought Plan A was good
OP thought Plan B was better
Wife said that didn’t make sense.
OP dropped the whole thing and blamed her for hurting his feelings.

Thats not healthy communication and tells me he is not emotionally mature.
He better get a handle on that or his wife will be at her wits end eventually.
She already has a list of things shes not allowed to say so he doesn’t get hurt.

OP needs to respect his wife rather than try to emotionally pound her into submission.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> OP needs to respect his wife rather than try to emotionally pound her into submission.


Quoted for emphasis, and quite true.


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## Measwife (11 mo ago)

I believe both of your conversation style is not having a minimum respect. Keeping your thought ahead is your right but that doesn't mean you keep it in a way that others doesn't have any existence... You both better learn to respect each other's individual thought process and then sort things out


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Rob_1 said:


> Still no one owns anything to oversensitive, insecure people. The first rule of nature is survival of the fittest. The world is not what we want it to believe it is. It's a ruthless, dangerous place to live. many of those that have not other view of the world but of that from the comfort of their home, never being exposed to anything other than pettiness, wants, or harsh words, have seen nothing yet of the harshness of this world.
> 
> So in my opinion if you're an over sensitive and/or insecure person, It's your cross to bear and deal with, not other people. In your case experience as you explained it is not your sensitiveness per set, but the abuse that you endured that was the problem. In OP case, regardless of how sensitive he might be, he's coming across as an over sensitive, controlling jerk. The balls he has to tell his wife you can't say these words. What an ass.


I don't really feel like that's the way that it should go to be honest. When speaking, it's usually smart to remember who you're speaking to. If your spouse is super dirty minded and likes innuendos and talks in a racy way, would you speak that same way to your boss at work? I'm guessing not. So, audience is important. Same goes for if you're usually super blunt and brash, but maybe have a friend who doesn't take well to rude comments, then you may not be rude to him/her, and may talk in a bit of a kinder fashion. It's not really that you're not being YOU; people have many different facets, and you can still be you, but just in a way that makes you appear approachable to others.

All my life, I've been "accused" of being "too sensitive", like it was a bad thing. I thought I was flawed until just a couple of years ago, when I realized that I don't want to be the unkind, rude, brash individual that's been touted as "good" by my family. I want to be able to relate to others at their individual levels.

I'm not sure where you get that highly sensitive people are petty people who want, want, want, never leave their homes and when they do, experience everything harsh. It's not the case at all. It's just that we operate differently. I work full time and have all throughout Covid (like, I GO to my office and work with 40+ others daily and lead a team. Is it hard? Yeah, I run from confict because of my upbringing, but facing hard things makes a person stronger), I'm not a selfish *****, and the most of the people that I encounter daily are kind folks who are open minded.

I think that the only thing that I agree with you on is that the world is a ruthless place at times. Some people are unkind, some don't care, and they really need to start. Unfortunately, a lot of HSPs get kicked and spat on just for being who we are, and that's just wrong. It's not us with the problem, it's the rest of the world who can't accept us and who can only accept others who are the same way that they are.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

CantSitStill said:


> Dear OP I have struggled with the same thing. At work and my family. I got the book by Joyce Meyer called "Approval Addiction " and it changed my so much. It helped me to stop letting what people say hurt me but what I have done for instance my little sister. I pulled her aside and told her me being the laughing stock and everyone thinking it's funny to talk about how ditzy I am really hurts me, and especially for her to join in on it. She had no idea and apologized and has never done it since. Another time at work I had to pull someone to the side and ask her if she doesn't like me. She was one of my bosses. We talked it out and come to find out I was wrong and she liked me. Ok now there is my mother who is the rudest *** anyone could ever meet. I finally got the nerve to speak up to her when she tells me or my father to shut up. *She doesn't care what anyone else thinks because if they don't think like her they are stupid. It really messes with a person's self esteem when they are brought up that way. *So anyway get the book. It is worth it. It helped me realize I don't have to worry about what others think or say. I learned to love myself. Hope it all works out. I'm sure you don't want to be sent to collections. I'm sure it was a very stressful thing to worry about. That is a lot of money. Things somehow always work out so try to not worry too much and take everything too personal. Ignore when needed and move on to something else.


OMG, are we from the same family?!!? And yes, I agree with your other post: everyone deserves to be heard.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Ursula said:


> OMG, are we from the same family?!!? And yes, I agree with your other post: everyone deserves to be heard.


Yes it is brutal but I've overcome a lot of it and deal with it. As for the OP you should see Calvin's quote The world haa big teeth and can use them at anytime. As for conflict, I always avoided conflict and well I have learned to not let my feelings get hurt and now I confront people. Not in a harsh way but it works for me. I only go to my parents house on holidays. I do not answer my phone when my mother calls. I eventually get back to her. I can love her from a distance. I will not put up with her crap anymore. She has softened when Im around but ive been told she goes back to her boching the minute I walk out the door. Hope things get better for you.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Ursula said:


> I'm not sure where you get that highly sensitive people are petty people who want, want, want, never leave their homes and when they do, experience everything harsh.


You completely misunderstood what I said, or I didn't explain myself clearly. 

My point was that if a person (was not implying you) is oversensitive and/or insecure , is not the responsibility of the rest of the world to cater to that person's hang-ups. It's that person responsibility to deal with his/her shortcomings.

Nor I was saying that you or any other oversensitive/insecure person were petty, who just want and want, and that never leave their homes. 
what I meant was that many people has not other views of the world but that that is close to them, like here in the states, were so many live a sheltered life and the most dramatic events in their life is exposure to pettiness, harsh words, and wants. In contrast to what most people have to endure like, war, massacres, slavery, death right in their faces.
That's what I was trying to convey.
Not that you or any other oversensitive/insecure people were that.
I said that as an example of why you need to put the responsibility of your insecurities and oversensitivenes on your own shoulders, instead of you expecting the world to cater to your hangups, because that's not how the world works, whether you like it or not. People can be polite to an oversensitive person, but they don't have to put with their oversensitive demands.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

RandomGuy2244 said:


> I get my feelings hurt by my spouse and when I express thst my feelings are hurt she explains that that wasn't her intent or how there was nothing wrong with what she said. Its possible that I'm just too sensitive and get my feelings hurt when I shouldn't but I still feel a strong need for empathy and understanding when it occurs. If I say my feelings are hurt I'd like an apology and see that my spouse cares instead of defense and explanation on how my hurt feelings are unreasonable. Here's an example:
> 
> I ask a question and receive "that doesnt make sense". I respond: that hurts my feelings when you say what I'm saying doesn't make sense. I feel like it discards my perspective...her response is frustration and explanation that she was speaking from HER perspective and that it doesn't make sense to HER and than asks me...I'm not allowed to say that...I'm not allowed to say it doesn't make sense to me? I explain the "to me" part makes all the difference and shout have been added the first time she says it...she explains thst rhst is obvious and implied...
> 
> ...


You used to the words 'feeling' and 'feel' eleven times in your post. Would John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, Chuck Norris etc ever do that??? 

OK OK that wasn't PC in 2022. 

But I do think you need to at least try to take a step back and ask yourself if someone is actually intending to put you down or insult you before you get your panties in a wad. If someone is intentionally trying to insult you and get under your skin, then they are the jerk. 

But if people are just going on about their business and you are interpretting everything they say as a slight to you, you need to examine why you are so reactionary. 

Look up some of Jordan Peterson's youtube videos on stoicism. Men have built pyramids and skyscrapers, have fought wars and walked on the moon. They didn't accomplish those things by having a hissy fit every time they didn't feel completely validated or that they weren't getting enough empathy?


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

It sounds like you are way too sensitive. Act like a man! Hurt feelings? Come on man!


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Texasnative1112 said:


> This is his (OP) wife. He shared this post with me, which I am grateful, but in no way do I think he needs to be physically harmed. I DO feel that I have to walk on eggshells. I have a list of things I’m not allowed to say (that includes “I’m confused” “that doesn’t make sense” “I don’t understand” “no, I don’t agree”). If I use them, I will hurt his feelings. I also believe that the weight of his personal validation is on my shoulders exclusively. If I don’t give him the words he wants perfectly, I see everything crashing down (figuratively speaking).


It appears as though you are married to another woman, not a man.

How is the relationship otherwise? Any other issues? Healthy sex life?


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## MiaMia0930 (11 mo ago)

RandomGuy2244 said:


> I get my feelings hurt by my spouse and when I express thst my feelings are hurt she explains that that wasn't her intent or how there was nothing wrong with what she said. Its possible that I'm just too sensitive and get my feelings hurt when I shouldn't but I still feel a strong need for empathy and understanding when it occurs. If I say my feelings are hurt I'd like an apology and see that my spouse cares instead of defense and explanation on how my hurt feelings are unreasonable. Here's an example:
> 
> I ask a question and receive "that doesnt make sense". I respond: that hurts my feelings when you say what I'm saying doesn't make sense. I feel like it discards my perspective...her response is frustration and explanation that she was speaking from HER perspective and that it doesn't make sense to HER and than asks me...I'm not allowed to say that...I'm not allowed to say it doesn't make sense to me? I explain the "to me" part makes all the difference and shout have been added the first time she says it...she explains thst rhst is obvious and implied...
> 
> ...


As others have said, an example would help. However, I’m astounded at the amount of women saying “you’re too soft.” This guy is expressing how he feels about something, that doesn’t mean he’s too soft…it means he’s human. We’re all allowed to feel things. Ladies, do you get mad when your man goes to strip clubs or watches porn? If so, to him, that might not make sense…so…are you then being too soft?

OP, I think the lack of communication skills is the issue here. I could be wrong…but without an example, idk. When she says, “that doesn’t make sense” ask her what part or where she’s confused.


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## MiaMia0930 (11 mo ago)

Texasnative1112 said:


> This is his (OP) wife. He shared this post with me, which I am grateful, but in no way do I think he needs to be physically harmed. I DO feel that I have to walk on eggshells. I have a list of things I’m not allowed to say (that includes “I’m confused” “that doesn’t make sense” “I don’t understand” “no, I don’t agree”). If I use them, I will hurt his feelings. I also believe that the weight of his personal validation is on my shoulders exclusively. If I don’t give him the words he wants perfectly, I see everything crashing down (figuratively speaking).
> 
> In summary, I am drowning. I cannot carry this as my sole responsibility and my vocabulary that I’m allowed to use to communicate confusion or lack of understanding is dwindling. It’s not received as me saying “that doesn’t make sense to me” and instead is seen as “you’re ——-fill in negative that hurts his feelings.” Again, drowning, suffocating and exhausted. Expected to validate and carry his emotional well being for every thing.
> 
> ...


Ok, disregard my first comment. This is definitely an OP issue. He needs to understand that you are a human being and you have a right to disagree. So, in this case, yeah…he’s being far too sensitive. He’s taking these phrases too personally.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Rob_1 said:


> You completely misunderstood what I said, or I didn't explain myself clearly.
> 
> My point was that if a person (was not implying you) is oversensitive and/or insecure , is not the responsibility of the rest of the world to cater to that person's hang-ups. It's that person responsibility to deal with his/her shortcomings.
> 
> ...


Ah gotcha, and yeah, I didn't get that from your post at all. I agree with you but only to a point. It's not wrong to expect certain people to be more understanding, and a partner and family would be among those people. You say that people shouldn't have to cater to sensitive people, and that's all well and good, but in my own experiences, I've spent the last 43 years catering to the family that I was born into because they can't accept me for the person that I am. Unfortunately, that also means that they don't know me fully; they know the version of me that they demand that I be. So why then is it that us highly sensitive people are expected to bend to fit into society? It's not that we expect people to cater to us, but I do think that acceptance is important. And THAT'S something that many insensitive, extroverted folks just can't seem to do. I guess it makes sense though: if you're insensitive, you're not going to give two hoots about anyone but yourself.


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## MysticMoon (Jan 9, 2018)

RandomGuy2244 said:


> I get my feelings hurt by my spouse and when I express thst my feelings are hurt she explains that that wasn't her intent or how there was nothing wrong with what she said. Its possible that I'm just too sensitive and get my feelings hurt when I shouldn't but I still feel a strong need for empathy and understanding when it occurs. If I say my feelings are hurt I'd like an apology and see that my spouse cares instead of defense and explanation on how my hurt feelings are unreasonable. Here's an example:
> 
> I ask a question and receive "that doesnt make sense". I respond: that hurts my feelings when you say what I'm saying doesn't make sense. I feel like it discards my perspective...her response is frustration and explanation that she was speaking from HER perspective and that it doesn't make sense to HER and than asks me...I'm not allowed to say that...I'm not allowed to say it doesn't make sense to me? I explain the "to me" part makes all the difference and shout have been added the first time she says it...she explains thst rhst is obvious and implied...
> 
> ...


You sound like my husband when he is in the mood to fight. If I don't agree with everything he says, I'm wrong. If I ask for clarification, I am being difficult. News flash, I sometimes need clarification because what is upsetting him makes no sense to me. The only to appeasement is agreeing with everything he says and apologizing. That doesn't work either,! I just end up rezenting him for blaming me for his emotions. And don't have a clue what I actually did to upset him. It's a no win situation. If she needs clarity, explain yourself better @


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

MiaMia0930 said:


> As others have said, an example would help. However, I’m astounded at the amount of women saying “you’re too soft.” This guy is expressing how he feels about something, that doesn’t mean he’s too soft…it means he’s human. We’re all allowed to feel things. Ladies, do you get mad when your man goes to strip clubs or watches porn? If so, to him, that might not make sense…so…are you then being too soft?
> 
> OP, I think the lack of communication skills is the issue here. I could be wrong…but without an example, idk. When she says, “that doesn’t make sense” ask her what part or where she’s confused.


Well said. And he may very well be too sensitive. And with the on example that he put out there she told him what he is saying doesn't make sense. This isn't simply disagreeing with him. She is discounting the way he feels and might as well say "that's stupid".

As Mia said here, more examples would help. Are you being too sensitive @RandomGuy2244? Perhaps. But I think the forum is being a little too hard on you here.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Texasnative1112 said:


> This is his (OP) wife. He shared this post with me, which I am grateful, but in no way do I think he needs to be physically harmed. I DO feel that I have to walk on eggshells. I have a list of things I’m not allowed to say (that includes “I’m confused” “that doesn’t make sense” “I don’t understand” “no, I don’t agree”). If I use them, I will hurt his feelings. I also believe that the weight of his personal validation is on my shoulders exclusively. If I don’t give him the words he wants perfectly, I see everything crashing down (figuratively speaking).
> 
> In summary, I am drowning. I cannot carry this as my sole responsibility and my vocabulary that I’m allowed to use to communicate confusion or lack of understanding is dwindling. It’s not received as me saying “that doesn’t make sense to me” and instead is seen as “you’re ——-fill in negative that hurts his feelings.” Again, drowning, suffocating and exhausted. Expected to validate and carry his emotional well being for every thing.
> 
> ...


It does sound like he is a little too sensitive. Can I ask a question. Is it what you say? Or the way you say it? Example, when you say "that doesn't make sense", do you do it with a scowl on your face as if he is an idiot? Definitely not insinuating you are. You likely are saying it calmly. But sometimes we don't realize the way we are saying things and how it comes off.

For the rest of the posters, he is here asking the question to get perspective on his behavior. So looks like you all might have chased him off when he very well could have been looking for advice to better himself and take a good hard look at himself.


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