# Hi from a hopeless!



## Hopeless13+ (Apr 21, 2018)

Hi everybody! 
New to the group and hoping for your opinion and help.
Please be kind and merciful :crying:
I am a 53 woman married for 13 years to my second husband. I am a professional, he is not. We don't have kids. I am the breadwinner, but still love him, because nobody is perfect. I love him but I am getting to a point that I am deeply depressed. 
Everything started out wrong, but I loved him so much and he was a good person.
First of all, several months after getting married, I learned that he married me with a name that wasn't his... long story short, he was living and working in another country, and he used this other name it in order to enter it. It took me years to "heal" but, who am I lying to?
Don't judge me please, but my husband doesn't have common sense nor is very smart. Still, I loved him. Everything he tried to fix in the house, ended worst and not safe. He doesn't like to be taught and hate to follow instructions.
At the beginning of our marriage, he worked and brought income home. But then he dreamed to make easy money and everything went down. He thinks that he can make money effortlessly, getting involved in ventures that he doesn't know a thing about. He had tried twice for a small business, only to be me the one losing money, because he asked me to trust him. The last one was too much pain for me. 
I am tired of him being economically irresponsible, of playing with the stability of our home and security. I am the one who pays everything. He is still working on his last business stint, even after I told him to fill a bankrupt, and look for a fulltime job. 
I fell he is not right, but still I cant reject him... I feel I have to help him to get well, but he is not going to accept that he is maybe sick.
I had talked to him several times, about the situation. I had given him time to get things in order, just to find out that he is not changing a thing.
I cant talk to him anymore because I start yelling at him with frustration. Believe me... he is not a bad person. But he has lost his dignity.
I know this is going to hurt... but... bring it! :crying::crying:


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your are codependent. Dump his ass and move on. He's an albatross around your neck


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## Hopeless13+ (Apr 21, 2018)

This is the kind of words that I was afraid of, but am willing to hear! And it made me LOL! I need to stop trying to hide from reality. But what if he is sick? Thanks for your quick replay.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

What can we say that you don't already know? Why do you think it is that you are settling for so little?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Hopeless,

I am sorry your circumstance finds you here. You know the expression "the heart wants what the heart wants" i get it he is a good man, and we all have flaws, but as much as you love someone, the fact that he fails in every venture he tries and expects you to bail him out is not a relationship that build security for the future, its not a relationship that builds of equality between you two. Instead what i see is a relationship of dependency on his part to bail him out every time he fails, you can be there emotionally for him but not financially; you would be better off investing him in taking a trade class that he can then get a job doing it....frankly, i would have stopped bailing him out, i would stop giving him any finance help unless its toward a trade school. Love does not cover the bills, it does not put a roof over your head...it may sound harsh hopeless but it is said with empathy. At end of the day you must look after yourself...you must be concern with your future. i know you love him but he is a vortex which is draining your life force.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

What makes you think he is sick? I think he is just lazy. 

Why did he enter another country illegally? Why did he need to use a name that wasn't his?

At the very least he should have a part time job while he tries this 'venture'.


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## Hopeless13+ (Apr 21, 2018)

You guys had said what I needed to hear. But he is not lazy. I have seen him working so hard. I 
told him this is it. He is not going to change.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sounds like you are in love with his potential, but not who he is. 

I want you to consider this carefully: You do not possess the power to "get" anyone well or make them see the light. You are trying to rescue a man, who sounds somewhat immature and childish, from himself. This is codependency at it's finest. The problem is, you are suffering burn-out from trying to stage a rescue operation. This in turn sets of what I call "victim mode." However, the longer a codependent tries to help and rescue other people, the more they change from victim to volunteer. And a burned-out volunteer at that.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Time for you to be realistic and let him go.


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## Hopeless13+ (Apr 21, 2018)

I want to say that you are the first to know my story. Isn't it sad?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Hopeless13+ said:


> I need to stop trying to hide from reality. But what if he is sick?


People with rabies are sick. 

But that doesn't mean you let them bite you.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

It's only sad if you allow it to be. I lived my life as a raging codependent. I was the poster child for codependency. There is hope for you. The thing is, your husband is a separate being who is making his own choices. You have to love him enough to allow him to crash and burn. And if that means you walk away, you walk away. And YOU get help for the issues you own in this; namely, enabling. I was married to not one, but two, alcoholics. I am quite familiar with loving someone's potential and attempting to rescue them from themselves.

The thing is, we only get one go 'round in this life. One chance. I had to learn that I didn't get validation and a sense of self-importance from rescuing broken people. I walked away from my second husband five years before his death. I had no communication with him the final year of his life, even though he reached out several times. Heartless? No. I was saving myself. And I was respecting his right to trash his life. Yes, he wanted his enabler back. But I relinquished that role because I loved myself enough to get out of an emotionally dangerous situation.

I'd suggest you get into some serious counseling to get help for yourself. Learn to keep your side of the street clean, and please get off his side.


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## Hopeless13+ (Apr 21, 2018)

From the first reply, you guys have only said the correct things. I have opened my eyes! I am an enabler and a hardcore codependent, he might be sick but he is making me sicker than him, what I have done all this time is rescuing a man over and over again and that I have to move on to save myself.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Cut him loose and divorce him.

You better hope you don't have to pay him spousal support! 

It's not right when one half is always bringing down the other half - two people should be capable of making it three times better! 

He will ruin you if you don't take a stand and protect what you have now. 

He can go figure it all out by himself! There are many times where being on your own is way better than having someone drag you down further.

See a counselor so you don't end up feeling guilty. He should have had enough self pride to want to bring you in steady big money...but he's had many chances and now being angry within any marriage isn't worth hanging on further.

Take action now - have him move immediately. Whatever excuses he brings up - just say "that's not my problem". His worries are now only his. Cut him out.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Hopeless13+ said:


> he might be sick but he is making me sicker than him, what I have done all this time is rescuing a man over and over again and that I have to move on to save myself.


Keep reading this over and over again until you believe it clear down to your core.


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## Hopeless13+ (Apr 21, 2018)

I guess that what will follow now is to learn how not to feel guilty, separation and divorce. Wich me luck!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You don't need to feel guilty! 

He's a grown man who should be capable of taking care of himself. It never works when any person tries to rescue another person. 

He needs to help himself! You can't help him - that's for him to do.

Read codependent no more by melody beattie


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

I had a husband who kept throwing debts at me and doesnt support the family . Even hit me when I started to seek financial accountability . Divorced him . He can try to find another woman to pay his debts . Guess somehow he's paying his debts now . While I am living a richer life with my boys .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

In the past , when I tried yelling , talking , even begging for changes , he plays the upper hand and telling me off , hitting me , hinting of leaving te family , affair maybe but i didnt bother to confirm . 

Now that I kicked him to the curb and moved on well , he tells my helper things like he regrets , dreams of me , that I was good , the girl he groped under my nose previously was too thin and not great !!!! Wtf !!!!

Anyway , i will wait for a better man or I am fine alone .


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Start by taking action yourself -to be sure things change!

Obviously you've been expecting him to change -change is only up to you.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Yes , save yourself


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## Hopeless13+ (Apr 21, 2018)

Beach123 said:


> Read codependent no more by melody beattie


Thanks so much for recommending the book. I am hearing a recording of it in You Tube. Amazing book. I am understanding many things now.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Many good men are losers. Get off the codependent train.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Hopeless13+ said:


> This is the kind of words that I was afraid of, but am willing to hear! And it made me LOL! I need to stop trying to hide from reality. But what if he is sick? Thanks for your quick replay.


Like Marc said, you are a codependent. He is a grown ass man, you cannot fix him. 

If he is sick you cannot make him go to the doctor and get help. He is a loser dreamer and you cannot make him any different. 

Divorce him and move on and get help for you codependency so you don't put your self in this position again...


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Hopeless13+ said:


> From the first reply, you guys have only said the correct things. I have opened my eyes! I am an enabler and a hardcore codependent, he might be sick but he is making me sicker than him, what I have done all this time is rescuing a man over and over again and that I have to move on to save myself.


:iagree:....*..BUT*

You are about 80% right. The part you haven't said yet, is that in addition to enabling you have failed to set boundaries and you have been part of his conditioning process and that process has "conditioned you" as surely as any experiment created by Pavlov for his dogs or BF Skinner. 

Before you move on, you need to fix yourself. You need to change yourself and the way you interact with men and the type of men you choose otherwise you will likely be back in the same boat in a few more years.

It is for this reason that I often recommend marriage counseling or individual counseling as you need to work on changing yourself before you can reach real happiness.

Good luck.


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## johnnywalker (Apr 17, 2018)

Marc878 said:


> Your are codependent. Dump his ass and move on. He's an albatross around your neck


U're definitely right!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Have you taken action to change things? Did he move out?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hopeless13+ said:


> This is the kind of words that I was afraid of, but am willing to hear! And it made me LOL! I need to stop trying to hide from reality. But what if he is sick? Thanks for your quick replay.


Why do you think he's sick? He had a job when you met him, right? He's not sick. You are enabling him. It sounds to me like you need to think he is sick so you can justify staying with him.

You are codependent. What that means is that you put the needs of another person, a dysfunctional person, a head of y our own needs to your own determinate. Get the book "Codependent No More". Read it. Do what it says to do.

You are allowing his dysfunction to drag you down and destroy you. You are pretty much on the way to being completely destroyed. So who is going to be there to help you once you completely fall apart? Not him.

You married a loser. Face it and leave him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr.Married said:


> Many good men are losers. Get off the codependent train.


Many good men are losers???? WTH????


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Any update/changes?


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Hopeless13+ said:


> From the first reply, you guys have only said the correct things. I have opened my eyes! I am an enabler and a hardcore codependent, he might be sick but he is making me sicker than him, what I have done all this time is rescuing a man over and over again and that I have to move on to save myself.


I sincerely hope that you find the strength to "save yourself" and the confidence to take action to rid yourself of your heavy burden. You are not "hopeless". You do recognize that you have a problem, and that is a good start. From there, you do have options. Please feel free to continue to share your burden here as the advise you get from us "strangers" comes from a place of genuine concern for you and from people who have had to conquer similar issues. I wish you the best.


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