# "I think we need to talk"



## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

For those who didnt catch my original thread, quick catch up. Married for 9 years, together for 10. 2 kids (4 and 6). Wife was SAHM until April and went back to work. Got the I love you but not in love with you speech in June and separated. I moved out in July and we split kids 50/50. She needed space, time to figure out what she wanted and figure out who she was besides a wife/mom. Started hanging out with a female friend from work and partied, got a new tattoo etc. No other parties involved from either side

I get a text tonight asking me to go to dinner on Monday night. She arranged a babysitter and thinks its time to talk. Holy crap - its the goodbye speech isnt it?


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Yes, I think it is. Did you get any advice from a counselor? I think you should move back in and work on your issues, but I'll bet she's done. I don't know if contesting the divorce would do any good at this point.

Don't beg or seem weak. Plan your points ahead of time to minimize emotional reactions.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

I met with a counselor and honestly it wasnt really helpful. I had offered to take her out to dinner when she was ready and she claimed she wasnt and I agreed to give her space which I did.

Not sure what points to plan ahead for, my head is spinning. I am surprised she asked me on Thursday about a dinner for Monday and drops that sentence. Via text message no less!

I will not beg, plead or do anything stupid. At least thats how I feel now but I hope I can stay strong until then. Great timing to as I pick up my kids tomorrow and I am sure this all I will think about this weekend ruining my time with them.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Ok, after a night to mull this over this is what I have to do. I have to accept whatever the outcome of this "dinner" with calm and grace. I will not beg, plead or roll over. The decision to try and save our family is both of ours to make and I will not be a doormat.

If she wants out, so be it. I will move on and focus on my kids and me. I cant control what W wants. If she wants to work on us, then we need to work together on what drove us apart in the first place.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Sod said:


> Ok, after a night to mull this over this is what I have to do. I have to accept whatever the outcome of this "dinner" with calm and grace. I will not beg, plead or roll over. The decision to try and save our family is both of ours to make and I will not be a doormat.
> 
> If she wants out, so be it. I will move on and focus on my kids and me. I cant control what W wants. If she wants to work on us, then we need to work together on what drove us apart in the first place.


:smthumbup: yes!
Remember that, keep telling yourself that, BELIEVE that!

Much luck to you!


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Shes probably waiting for you to break down into a sobbing mess.
Have a few questions ready:
1.) So, how soon do we sell the house and split the proceeds?
2.) If you decide to keep the custody arrangement the same, will you be seeking child support?
3.) Shall we save ourselves some money on attorneys and work out a mutual agreement thru a mediator?
4.) How would you like to split the assets. Cars, furniture, 70" Widescreen flat panel LCD tv.?
--You know, keep it business, as if this is what you expected and have prepared for in advance.
Spend some time on your state's judicial website studying your rights according to family law.
Know that a judges/courts sole purpose is to do what they believe is best for the kids; whatever they perceive that to be. 
I have come to a conclusion in my own Divorce, that working out the issues prior to a long drawn out legal battle is of the best interest of everyone involved.
Write out a few scenarios involving assets. If you want the house and all the equity, then leave my 401k alone; 
If you take half my 401k then take these two credit card debts as well....
You get the idea.
It wouldnt hurt to prepare for the worst, but still there might be a slim chance she wants to try to work things out? who knows.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

^ very good advice!


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

I had previously met with a lawyer to review my situation after we initially separated just to see what was normal in my state (just moved here a year ago). I have a list of questions that I will work on this weekend and be prepared for this discussion if I have to. As the person that took care of the bills and setup the budget for our separation I know where everything is and documented.

Its still drives me crazy that she wants to wait until Monday to talk after dropping that line on me last night. Really? Of course I could be overreacting but nothing surprises me anymore with her. Plan is that I will pick her up at house and go to dinner. Wouldnt you think that she would bring her own car if she means to file? 

Maybe I need to sue for cruel and unusual punishment


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Show up 15 minutes late. And plunk down all your issues an items on a single printed page and slide it over to her. Then order drinks.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I called the local courthouse and asked about blank divorce documents. She directed me to a website where I downloaded all of the necessary forms. You may want to go ahead and do that. I gave my wife a blank set. I asked her to complete a copy and I'll complete a copy. Then, we will work on ironing out the differences. Maybe have a blank copy ready to hand her if she says she wants out.

Have suggestions for all of those questions Shoo listed. It does look like that will be the discussion. However, you never know. Plan for the worst, but hope for the best.

good luck.

Also, put it out of your head this weekend and enjoy those kids!


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I agree with Hurting; be prepared for both scenarios. I think people should try everything they can before divorcing, so I would concentrate on what you can do to reconcile. Emphasize your family history together. Tell her how you have worked on yourself, and you know you two can work on things together. But as you know, no begging. You must come off as strong and confident.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Good suggestion, I have downloaded all the forms and it looks like I have some light reading to do this weekend. I scanned the documents quickly and almost went to sleep due to legalese. Maybe should be reviewed after a couple of beers/shots/wine etc and then it may make sense.

lovesherman - I would much rather be working on reconciling than this stuff. Trust me, I have tried. For the good of my kids and the fact that I still love the crazy woman.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Go. Meet. Talk. 

Like you said, if she wants to work it out, awesome. If not, you will move on with your life.


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## The Count (Aug 14, 2011)

I'm going to offer an alternative thought here. not going to be a popular one, but...

Go out, take her to dinner at a time of her asking, put your feet up, spark up a cigar, look the ***** dead in the face and go "so what do you actually expect out of this?"

I'm sick and tired of reading posts on here off men who have been emotionally castrated, myself included, and I have had enough. 

I'm done being screwed with, done being emotionally abused, done with being rolled over and tickled. 

**** it. I'm done. 

Balls to them mate. Look her dead in the eye and see her for what she is. She doesn't want you, good, bollocks to her. Best go through the pain now then live in a wet cave as a prisoner waiting to die. 

Fight or flight, I've chosen fight. 

Fight for you, for yourself, fight for your happiness, **** her, let her rot, be a man, breathe the free air, embrace the change, open up to the future, it's scary but I'm doing it, you can do it too, I'm here for you, I'm on here for anyone, PM me, talk to me on the phone, i'll help you however I can, but don't dance to her tune whatever you do. Keep your dignity, keep yourself, and know that my thoughts are with you. 

Balls to her mate, you deserve better. 

And you will find it.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Count - I wish I could do that, believe you me I do. The problem is, I am a nice guy. I am not an emotional sap or a wimp. I worry about my kids as I know what its like having parents divorce at a young age and growing up in another "family" with step siblings. If it wasnt for my kids, I wouldnt be torturing myself so much.

I waited until I was a little older to get married (27) which is not old by any stretch but enough to get the stupidness out of my system. I found the woman I love, wanted to spend the rest of my life with and raise a family - TOGETHER. I dont deny that my wife and I have had rough patches but we have worked through them. Who doesnt? What makes me mad is how someone could throw everything we had away so easily. Boggles the mind.

I will have no choice but to torture myself this weekend and probably bug all of you with updates to keep my sanity for my kids. Come Monday night, a brave face goes on and I will face this just as I have any and all challenges I have faced in my life.

Does this make me less of a man? I dont know and I dont care. Its who I am.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sod--imagine the WORST case scenario and envision it happens. No matter what, you keep living/surviving.

The worse that can happen is she says she wants a D and nothing to do with you anymore.

If she says this, AGREE with her. Tell her "I've been thinking a lot about us and I realize i deserve better, too. I deserve to be with someone who loves me and is committed to me and not a wishy washy relationship with someone who doesn' tknow whether they wan tme or not/or doesn't want me. You are right. We should divorce. The status quo doesn't work for me."

Oh an dmake sure you look hot and smell sexy. Bust out a new cologne, mmmkay??? 


If you server or hostess is a female, be sure to maintain eye contact a little longer than you normally would. Compliment her with something like, "Nice watch" --(NOTHING overt like "nice A$$ or "Nice blouse" if it's uniform) but on something subtle... like "Is your hair naturally curly" etc.

Hehe. It will piss your wife off. I know. I am a woman.


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

This is a game of wits. Unfortunately, the "nice guys" fold first. I'm a card carrying member. Remember your wife is going to make this about her, what she wants, how she sees things. You need to turn it around to about you and how you see things. She probably doesn't anticipate a situation in which you don't grovel and beg for her to come back. 

Or

She has had a set back in whatever she has been doing on her own and now feels like she needs her backup plan I.E. you. Think through this scenario. Do you like that position? And if she does want you now and to "take it slow" I.E. I need to work up the courage to screw you again, how does that make you feel? You need to draw a HARD line about not coming home immediately, complete honesty, and counseling.

I understand the desire to sacrifice to take care of your children. I'm doing it right now by living with the woman who doesn't want me. But don't forget about you. Your kids need to know that their father likes himself as much as them. Do what is best for all of you.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

> This is a game of wits


Amen.


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## barnot (Aug 21, 2011)

Sod said:


> Count - I wish I could do that, believe you me I do. The problem is, I am a nice guy. I am not an emotional sap or a wimp. I worry about my kids as I know what its like having parents divorce at a young age and growing up in another "family" with step siblings. If it wasnt for my kids, I wouldnt be torturing myself so much.
> 
> I waited until I was a little older to get married (27) which is not old by any stretch but enough to get the stupidness out of my system. I found the woman I love, wanted to spend the rest of my life with and raise a family - TOGETHER. I dont deny that my wife and I have had rough patches but we have worked through them. Who doesnt? What makes me mad is how someone could throw everything we had away so easily. Boggles the mind.
> 
> ...



I feel the same way. I don't know how my wife gave up so easily. I have only been out of the house a week and I have already gotten divorce papers from her. I am only lucky because we have no kids. We married young(both 21) and have only been married a year and a half, but that was enough for her. I am still going to counseling to try to better myself for the next time around. but to answer your question, NO, that does not make you less of a man. It is a good thing to want your kids to have both your parents, to be willing to work on things. I'm sure whatever happens on Monday will be for the best and you will be fine. It takes time to be happy if you get the bad news but it will come. I hope you get you news you want to hear from her. Good luck!!


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Yesterday was great weather here so I decided to skip out of work early and pick the kids up and go play as I hadnt seen them in a couple of days. That is exactly what we did and the evening ended perfectly with the three of us all falling asleep on the couch and when I woke up I carried them to bed. 

Then of course, my thoughts returned to this event and I have now moved onto anger because I dont get to see my kids everyday anymore. That someone has the power to take away my children from me and potentially bleed me dry is frustrating beyond belief.


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## The Count (Aug 14, 2011)

That's what brought on my rage in my earlier post. 

We didn't ask for this, we didn't want any of it. The pain, the hurt, the feeling of physical sickness, the callous way the person with the least control in the relationship has deal with...

All of it. It's JUST NOT ON. 

I'm hurting. I'm in an extreme amount of pain and anger, but I refuse to roll over. I'm not taking it anymore, and I'm not taking her crap anymore. 

Nobody has the power to take your kids away from you. Nobody is taking my kids away from me because I will not tolerate anybody trying to do so. 

Feel the rage and use it to empower your decisions to best suit yourself and your children. I know how hard it is, but the majority of people on here, like myself, have not only had to contend with the heartbreak of a failing marriage, but absolute bare faced cruelty from their spouse. 

And cruelty is something I don't think any of us need to cope with at a time of incredible pain and confusion. 

Fight back for the emotional tyranny that it is.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Count - What are you doing Monday night? you are my designated wingman to keep the rage going


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## The Count (Aug 14, 2011)

Sod said:


> Count - What are you doing Monday night? you are my designated wingman to keep the rage going


Nothing. 

Nothing but the rage anyway :smthumbup:

I told madam yesterday that our finances were totally askew, that I'm not paying for her lifestyle anymore, and she can basically shove our joint commitments up her hoop as I won't be laying out a brass penny for her. 

Did she not like that one little bit. 

I couldn't care less what she thinks. She made her bed she can lie in the bloody thing.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Good for you Count. Stand up for yourself and whats right and keep it up.

So, after kids went to sleep I reviewed all the divorce docs I downloaded and thought through each step of what would be involved in separation of assets and ongoing child support. I have outlined all assets and even crafted a first "offer" if it gets to that point. What I find funny, even while working through this to design an outcome of a situation I dont want I still consider her in my decisions. I am truly being fair in my version of the offer and dont want to use "stuff" as a weapon. Of course, its my interpretation who knows what she will think.

Either way this comes out, I am not a doormat and I will ensure my kids are taken care of. Plan for the worst and hope for the best!


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## The Count (Aug 14, 2011)

Sod said:


> Good for you Count. Stand up for yourself and whats right and keep it up.
> 
> So, after kids went to sleep I reviewed all the divorce docs I downloaded and thought through each step of what would be involved in separation of assets and ongoing child support. I have outlined all assets and even crafted a first "offer" if it gets to that point. What I find funny, even while working through this to design an outcome of a situation I dont want I still consider her in my decisions. I am truly being fair in my version of the offer and dont want to use "stuff" as a weapon. Of course, its my interpretation who knows what she will think.
> 
> Either way this comes out, I am not a doormat and I will ensure my kids are taken care of. Plan for the worst and hope for the best!


Honestly mate, at this point it's all you can do. She's told me unequivocally that there is no chance of getting back together, that this is it, and me and her are done as husband and wife. 

Fine, so take all the stuff I'm paying out for and go and cry into your pillow about it, because as soon as we were done, so were my financial responsibilities as a couple as far as I was concerned. 

This mean seem harsh, but I should explain that she had a nasty habit of making life changing desicions without bothering to mention them to me first, ending up in a load of debt that I have agreed to pay my half on purely from a moral persepctive, as I was a doormat so went along with it. My mistake, my responsibility. 

She expected me to continue paying for a house, which she is renting out to friends of hers, for which she recieves a full whack of rent and I recieve the middle finger, she expected me to pay for half of her debts, and she made dark hints about maintenance on top. 

One of us did our homework anyway, and she isn't entitled to the sweat out of my arse crack, so I told her as much. Que hysteria and shock. 

It's just the sheer bloody gall of some people. You can't kick me out of the family home, split the family, tell me you're prepared to start "seeing" other people, then expect me to pay for all this. Balls to that. 

Stop considering her in your desicions. She has lost the right to your thoughtfullness. Hard though it is, harsh though it may seem, do not let your ex influence your one shot at a fair deal by batting her eyelids or playing the worlds smallest violin. 

You didn't ask for this. She did. Her choice, her consequence. Do what is right for you. I am, and she hates it, but not before time either. 

Trust me, you'll feel better knowing you're not some kind of tit to be milked by an emotionally abusive ex.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

To be clear, let me clarify what I consider is fair.

Kids:
- I will pay without question the state calculated child support amount and not a penny more
- I will agree to 50/50 joint custody as she is a good mom to them
- Going forward, we each pay 50% of kids medical expenses
- I will keep them on my medical insurance and will continue to support their college fund. She needs to save too as I will expect joint sharing of college costs.

Assets:
- Alimony/Spousal Support - Not a cent. She went back to work, is making a decent wage and initiated this nonsense. Its not required in my state and I can fight it
- Current house - She can keep it, I dont want it nor do I want anything inside the house other than some of the artwork. Oh yeah, she needs to refinance the loan within 90 days to get me off the loan. If she cant, sell it and split the proceeds
- She can have 50% of the debts she accrued being a shopaholic and buying tons of crap.
- Old house we still own in another state and currently rented out. If she agrees to cover her portion of the mortgage when tenant moves out until we sell then we split 50/50. If she wont, nothing back for her.
- Her ridiculously expensive car she just bought 3 weeks before dropping the bomb and having me co-sign - refinance it or sell it to get me off note within 90 days. Dont care that you cant afford it now
- Assets prior to marriage - Really arent any anymore so thats easy.

Dont think any of this is unreasonable but I have a feeling she might.


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## 6foot5 (Jun 15, 2011)

The Count said:


> Honestly mate, at this point it's all you can do. She's told me unequivocally that there is no chance of getting back together, that this is it, and me and her are done as husband and wife.
> 
> Fine, so take all the stuff I'm paying out for and go and cry into your pillow about it, because as soon as we were done, so were my financial responsibilities as a couple as far as I was concerned.
> 
> ...


I dont know who you are or what have you been smoking:scratchhead: but you are speaking with such a rage and anger but yet it is all so clear that it makes me wonder why am I still putting up with my ex mental abuse .
Its been almost a month since she left , she didnt take all of her stuff and I believe she left it in my home on purpose just to f... with my head and to have an excuse to come by once in a while . Couple days ago she asked me if I could bring one of her things with me when I come to pick up my son , I said sure (stupid me ) so I brought it for her , yesterday I text her asking how my son is and that I wanted to call him after work @9pm ,she did not respond to my message untlil 7hrs later and I know that she never ever goes anywhere without her cell phone , but she agreed that I call my son , 9pm rolls around so I call her # no answer , 9:15 call again -no answer , 9:30 same thing ,finally 9:45 I get my son on the phone .
From now on no favours of any kind no matter how small f...her .
Joint accounts overdrafted ...she doesnt want to pay half of it back ,but yet she wants half of the equity in the house f...her she isnt getting nothing but child support which I will pay with no ifs or buts as it is my child and I love him more than anything in this world . She isnt getting anything out of me anymore , 6 fricking years I have been supporting her lazy arse , I have been busting my balls to make sure that she has everything that she needs , put my self into large debt while she was sitting on the couch eating chips and chatting on the internet 8hrs a day ,enough is enough I am going bankrupt just to f...with her head this time , payback is a *****  

The Count please keep on posting , your posts are great!


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## The Count (Aug 14, 2011)

6foot5 said:


> The Count please keep on posting , your posts are great!


I just want to share my experiences with other men who are going through the same pain. 

But I want to share that no matter how much it hurts, because I know, no matter how much you feel your heart is broken, because I know, not matter how empty you feel your life is or how empty and lonely you feel, because I know, it is still possible to stop being a victim, to stop being emotionally abused and blackmailed, to stop being punched in the gut again and again and again, get off your knees, do what is right for YOU, spend time healing, then one day, hopefully, we'll wake up and just breathe the free air as the loving, caring, noble people we are, and enjoy our hard earned reward; to have a brandy and a cigar watching the Sun rise, and say a little benediction to life for having the peace of mind to enjoy it. 

Simple pleasures, little actions. Hold your head up, be noble through the pain, and realise how special you are as a person, and how nobody and nothing can make you ugly inside. 

I root for all of you, and I am just as much here for you all as you are here for me.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

The Count said:


> Honestly mate, at this point it's all you can do. She's told me unequivocally that there is no chance of getting back together, that this is it, and me and her are done as husband and wife.
> 
> Fine, so take all the stuff I'm paying out for and go and cry into your pillow about it, because *as soon as we were done, so were my financial responsibilities as a couple* as far as I was concerned.



This is so simple and yet difficult for some to accept.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Sod said:


> To be clear, let me clarify what I consider is fair.
> 
> Kids:
> - I will pay without question the state calculated child support amount and not a penny more
> ...


just some ideas/questions...

Maybe pay the state calculated child support directly through the system and let it pay her. This way you have a record she cant dispute?

Why would you want to give her the current house if there is equity left in it? 

Why give her the old house?

Should you not be able to get all of your pre-marital assets (or equity) that you had before the marriage?

Have you remove yourself from or cancel all joint bank accounts and credit cards?


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

aug said:


> just some ideas/questions...
> 
> Maybe pay the state calculated child support directly through the system and let it pay her. This way you have a record she cant dispute?


*Without a doubt, nothing will be done without the right records
*


aug said:


> Why would you want to give her the current house if there is equity left in it?


*There is a little in it, just bought it in January and honestly dont want it or even like it.
*


aug said:


> Why give her the old house?


*Not sure on this one, maybe use as a leverage tool
*


aug said:


> Should you not be able to get all of your pre-marital assets (or equity) that you had before the marriage?


*All pre-marital assets (mine as she had none) are a little in the equity of the old house or completely eliminated in a Ponzi scheme I was hit with 2 years ago. Nothing left so nothing to fight over.
*


aug said:


> Have you remove yourself from or cancel all joint bank accounts and credit cards?


*Absolutely - established individual checking account and closed all joint cards immediately*


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## NotaGoodSlave (Jul 29, 2011)

Sod said:


> For those who didnt catch my original thread, quick catch up. Married for 9 years, together for 10. 2 kids (4 and 6). Wife was SAHM until April and went back to work. Got the I love you but not in love with you speech in June and separated. I moved out in July and we split kids 50/50. She needed space, time to figure out what she wanted and figure out who she was besides a wife/mom. Started hanging out with a female friend from work and partied, got a new tattoo etc. No other parties involved from either side
> 
> I get a text tonight asking me to go to dinner on Monday night. She arranged a babysitter and thinks its time to talk. Holy crap - its the goodbye speech isnt it?


If you are very luckly it will be..............
You wife is another example of an female emotional terrorist - she enjoys inflicting emotional pain on you. It makes her feel good. She enjoys it. She enjoys the drama also......

Please contact you attorney and get away from her.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

And finally the day of "I think its time we talked" has arrived. Currently calm and as prepared for the Divorce discussion as I can be if thats what this is about. After two months of separation and not really working on "us", I already am sick of the limbo so a direction one way or another will truly be a relief. Also, in a moment of clarity I downloaded a voice recorder application to my cell phone so that the conversation we have will be recorded in case I forget some details later that may be relevant 

Granted I still have about 8 hours to go until I pick her up for dinner so lets hope it lasts.


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

Thinking if you. Be strong. Retain dignity.


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

You've taken all the steps needed. Now its just time to sit back, relax, and wait for the time. No need getting worked up. Good thinking on the voice recorder app!


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Good luck to you!
Remember, we're all rooting for you either way and are here for you when this night is over!

(((HUGS)))


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Remember to be the 4 Cs:

Calm
Cool
Collected
Confident

Oh and wear some new cologne.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Thinking of you Sod, I'm right there with you (in thought)... keep your wits. be firm and confident, don't take crap and keep an even keel!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh yeah...and be unemotional. DO NOT BEG, PURSUE, PLEASE, CRY, NADA. 

You are a man who knows what he wants. If she doesn't want the same as you, no dice. That is a non-negotiable. Ok??? 

Example: 
Her: "I've been thinking, this isn't working, I want a separation or a divorce"... or "I'm not sure what I want yet." 

You: "I've also been thinking a lot and this situation is not working for me either. I am sure that I don't want to be with someone who isn't committed to our marriage 100% and willing to work at it with me in a partnership. So I agree==we should separate/divorce."

OR

Her: "I really awnt us to get back together. I am sorry, etc"
You: "Me, too! We should go to Marriage counselling and figure out ways TOGETHER in which we can restor eour marriage."

Then go hom eand have great sex.

No matter the conclusion: YOU will prevail in the end and Life DOES go on, no matter what happens, mmmkay?


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Thanks for all the support everyone. I am getting my gameface on and ready. I will show only the calm and confident me and will NEVER beg, plead or roll over. Kinda funny, I actually thought about going out to bring some flowers with me for the "date". Probably wont but funny nonetheless.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No. Don't bring flowers. Do look nice and be confident!


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Dont worry, wont happen. She will get a calm and confident me with new clothes as I have lost about 20lbs since this nonsense started. No flowers!


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

try to relax.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Hope it's going as well as possible dude.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Back from dinner. Surprise surprise, she spoke with an attorney and filed for divorce today. Doesnt want it to be mean and claims she only wants a fair deal. Her attorney has offered to mediate but not sure I like that idea. Guess I will see what she filed as she will give me a copy tomorrow.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Hope you are okay.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Sod,

Not sure about your state, but if custody is 50 50 then there is no child support, assuming your wages are similar. If she's now making more, YOU can claim child support.

As per the house. It doesn't matter if you don't like it. Assuming your not in a place where the housing market is still crap, there is equity there. Sell it and split the assets.

Same for the old house.

If you were giving her money during your separation, then you can coun that as part of her " share" of equity. She needs to pay that back to you. Did you also know that if "she moved out" and left you with paying the mortgage, you can claim half of that to be paid back through her share of the equity. Not sure about your situation, though.

seriously. Don't roll over so easily. Don't make it a lawyers wet dream, though, by being vindictive. Just know your rights. 

Hope you are ok.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Count chocula,

(sorry, couldn't resist)

I've also been where you were at. I'm not sure why us "nice guys" keep supporting our WW 's so financially well after they decide they want to pursue excitement. 

He'll, I was giving thousands to m WW even after she moved out, financing that new SUV she needed just before she dropped the bomb on me, her rent, food, gas......hell...even her gym membership. Every month.....doling out the cash to finance her new " freedom". Don't know what the he'll I was thinking.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zzyzx (Aug 24, 2011)

Sod, very strongly suggest you get your own attorney. Her attorney already has a conflict of interest, he represented her for the initial filing. I know it will be tempting to save on the attorney fees, but unless you have an excellent understanding of your state's laws, you will only have a fool for a client.


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## dearhusband (Aug 22, 2011)

Sod said:


> Back from dinner. Surprise surprise, she spoke with an attorney and filed for divorce today. Doesnt want it to be mean and claims she only wants a fair deal. Her attorney has offered to mediate but not sure I like that idea. Guess I will see what she filed as she will give me a copy tomorrow.


WTF? That's not, "I think we need to talk", that's "I need to tell you something I already did"

I'm not in either of your shoes but telling you about it after the fact in a "trial separation" would really put me on the defensive. I would not trust her lawyer or anything from her side. She is out for herself at this point.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Its not like I didnt know she was going to do it, didnt think she would really file without talking to me first. I'll be honest, what she told me she is asking for is actually pretty fair considering she could probably ask for more and get it. My plan is to to get the papers, talk to my attorney and review what is being asked. If its something thats reasonable then I may consider mediating with her attorney but will probably recommend a neutral party.

Ironically, she doesnt want the house as she wont be able to afford it. She wants me to keep it so that the kids can stay there and keep the friends in the neighborhood. She was shocked when I said I didnt want the house and we should sell it. Not sure how long this will stay amicable but we can try.

She even ended the night by suggesting I ask out a woman who works at my kids daycare as she thinks she's cute and single. NOT INTERESTED but thanks for your concern


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Sod-
I woke up this morning thinking about you and your "meeting".....
I'm sorry it turned out this way, but you know what? You're gonna be fine! It's going to be the worst rollercoaster you've ever been on.....good day/bad days/days you wanna quit and days you feel enpowered. Just know, "this too shall pass" and at the end of all of this - what is meant to be will be.

Protect yourself, take care of yourself and rememeber...
God doesn't put more on us than we can handle.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Sod:

Hang in there.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Thank you all for the help and support, its really helped me through this as I know I am not alone. I have thought a lot about last night and looking across the table at my STBXW (first time I have said that) it truly hit me that I dont know who that person is anymore. Its sad to see that but I realized in the long run that I will be happier without her. Never in a million years would I think that I would ever say that.

I was calm, confident, listened to what she was saying throughout but remained composed as the discussion went on. She on the other hand was emotional, crying etc. I must be numb to it as I feel a little sad, not distraught in the least. Almost a sense of relief that we(she) picked a direction. I guess the fact that she would give up on us without a fight or trying marriage counseling just proved she was ready to move on and made me question why I would want to try too.

Now, I await the papers so we can discuss details but I still think I should feel more. Maybe the calm before the storm or proof that we really have grown apart


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

lovesherman said:


> I agree with Hurting; be prepared for both scenarios. I think people should try everything they can before divorcing, so I would concentrate on what you can do to reconcile. Emphasize your family history together. Tell her how you have worked on yourself, and you know you two can work on things together. But as you know, no begging. You must come off as strong and confident.


Yeah, you know, I used to think about telling my W about how I've worked on myself (which I have), but now, it just looks to me like begging no matter how you try to present it. It isn't just you that needed change, I am willing to bet the house that she needed to make some changes as well. BOTH of you need to change because really, by you saying you changed, it makes it appear as if you were the only blame for your separation. So I don't know how you do it, but have some dignity and slide in the hint that you would like to know what she has done to change for the better. I know it's risky, but so is looking as if you were begging. Just my .02 cents worth.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry to hear it came to this. Know that you are not alone. We are here for you.

Are you going with mediation or a lawyer? Remember, just because she wants the divorce does NOT mean she gets to dictate waht you want/ask for and whether you utilize a lawyer, mediator, and/or do it yourself (the paperwork, divorce).


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

It really all depends on what is in the documents that I have still not received. Either way, I will be reviewing and discussing options with MY attorney and if what she is asking for is truly reasonable then I may go the mediation route with a neutral lawyer. I have no plans to roll over and just take it but if she was truthful about what she was asking for then other than one or two items it sounded ok. The proof is in the documents so I reserve judgement until I actually get them in my hands.


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

If they are filed you should be able to call the county courthouse and get a copy before you are served.

GearHead


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

I'm sorry. I just read the entire thread and was hoping for a better outcome. 

I don't know why all the drama, the tears and the need to make you go out and meet over dinner when she already filed. She could have just called you on the phone. IMO, the real conversations about where this was going and what was going to happen to the relationship should have taken place before she decided to leave. 

I'm glad that you were calm, and cool and actually thought for the first time that D may be the best for YOU. You and the kids are all that matter now. She's their mother and always will be so it's best for the kids not to make this ugly, but as far as your life and your happiness goes, she's a non-factor now. You honored your committment right to the end - you can look at yourself in the mirror and, most importantly, you can look at your kids and know that you tried everything you could to save their family. For whatever reasons and for whatever dreams she decided to chase - she couldn't. 

You will get through this. It'll take time and there will be pain and bumps all along the way, but it will be over one day. At some point, she will just be someone you were once married to. 

Hang in there.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

So I went to the cell phone store and switched my phone over to a new account. As it was under her name, they had to call her for permission and apparently this freaked her out. She called me afterwards worried about what else I was changing. Have I dropped her off the insurance? etc. I told her I wasnt planning on doing any of that until the divorce is final. Then she told me how she was trying to figure out how to add insurance on herself and do all of the little things in keeping paperwork and general life stuff in order and she hasnt figured it all out yet. 

She really hasnt thought through the whole impact of what she has done here. She will need to learn quick as I am done with taking care of everything for her. Also, let her know I still hadnt received the papers from her and she said that her lawyer called her letting her know paperwork only filed yesterday and he still hasnt heard from me. Not sure why I would have to call him but I will do that today. Also, setup an appointment with my attorney this week to review what she is asking for before deciding on the route to take.

Still a little sad. Not angry or devastated. Still think I should feel more............


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Sod said:


> So I went to the cell phone store and switched my phone over to a new account. As it was under her name, they had to call her for permission and apparently this freaked her out. She called me afterwards worried about what else I was changing. Have I dropped her off the insurance? etc. I told her I wasnt planning on doing any of that until the divorce is final. Then she told me how she was trying to figure out how to add insurance on herself and do all of the little things in keeping paperwork and general life stuff in order and she hasnt figured it all out yet.
> 
> She really hasnt thought through the whole impact of what she has done here. She will need to learn quick as I am done with taking care of everything for her. Also, let her know I still hadnt received the papers from her and she said that her lawyer called her letting her know paperwork only filed yesterday and he still hasnt heard from me. Not sure why I would have to call him but I will do that today. Also, setup an appointment with my attorney this week to review what she is asking for before deciding on the route to take.
> 
> Still a little sad. Not angry or devastated. Still think I should feel more............


I promise you....you will feel more.
Right now, maybe you're just getting over the final shock of it all. This whole process is a rollercoaster - up one min, down the next...happy, sad, upbeat, down in the dumps, smiling, crying....and it usually depends on what crap comes your way. Something in those papers might set you off or she might say something....whatever it is, I promise you, you will feel a whole slew of emotions. You will feel so many things, it will become overwhelming at times....reach out to friends and family. 
Having a good support system is the best way to get through all of this....and again, we are here.

Hang in there....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sod said:


> Also, let her know I still hadnt received the papers from her and she said that her lawyer called her letting her know paperwork only filed yesterday and he still hasnt heard from me. Not *sure why I would have to call him* but I will do that today. Also, setup an appointment with my attorney this week to review what she is asking for before deciding on the route to take.


You don't have to call him. His job is to have the divorce papers served/delivered to you. Don't call. That's on her and him. 

If the papers haven't been filed, you could actually do it first.

As for her not realizing the impact/fallout from the D--not surprising. Most waywards don't "get it." It comes in flashes, pieces, like with the insurance and phone and whatnot. 

Re: what you're feeling--you will go through a range of emotions. Don't ever feel bad about not feeling much or too much or little or anger or sadness, gladness, happiness, tears and back and forth. Feel your feelings or non-feelings. It's all part of the process.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> You don't have to call him. His job is to have the divorce papers served/delivered to you. Don't call. That's on her and him.



Agree. Not your job to talk to her lawyer. In fact, *wait till you are served*. Then all communications with her lawyer should be done by your lawyer who is, hopefully, competent enough not to let you get screwed.

I am assuming you are getting or have a lawyer. If not, when you talk to her lawyer, say nothing. You dont want to give away anything. Heck, I would just keep bugging her lawyer with trivial nonsensical things so her legal bill can get rung up higher.

Anyways, just wait till you are served. That's when the filing moves forward.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

aug said:


> Heck, I would just keep bugging her lawyer with trivial nonsensical things so her legal bill can get rung up higher.


I woul dstrongly urge you NOT to do that. Let your lawyer speak directly with her lawyer. That is what they are there for. If you bug your lawyer every 5 minutes to speak with hers, you are going to run up your own legal bill. Nightmare.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Well, I called her lawyer as I wanted to get the papers. STBXW didnt want to serve me (against her lawyers advice) and have me sign an affidavit to acknowledge receipt of filing so the sherrif wouldnt have to come to serve me at work. He offered to meet with me which I declined and said I just wanted the papers. I asked him how he could mediate this if he was her counsel. He was honest and said he cant mediate but he can help both of us complete paperwork but at the end of the day he is required to protect her interests.

So, thanks but hell no. I was planning to review docs with my own attorney anyway and if they are reasonable, I may suggest a neutral 3rd party mediator vs. her or my attorneys. They can review any final agreement but will not participate during mediation.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I woul dstrongly urge you NOT to do that. Let your lawyer speak directly with her lawyer. That is what they are there for. If you bug your lawyer every 5 minutes to speak with hers, you are going to run up your own legal bill. Nightmare.


I believe you read my post wrong. I said if he didnt have a lawyer he could just bug the hell out of her lawyer about non-trivial stuff.

But sod has a lawyer it seems.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Got the papers and it appears her lawyer and I have different interpretations of fair. Should be interesting.

On a fun note, got the kids for a week starting today as a trade off for a trip I am taking at the end of the month for some fun R&R time.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Sod said:


> Got the papers and it appears her lawyer and I have different interpretations of fair. Should be interesting.


No doubt! Let the negotiating begin.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Quick update - maybe I need to start a new thread. Its been 3 days since "the talk" and I still feel the same. Still just a little sad but nothing more and honestly its kinda creeping me out. I spent two months an emotional wreck analyzing all the things that went wrong between us and trying to figure out how to fix it and myself. Since she told me she filed, I have almost had an eery calm about me and really had no reaction when I read the filing. It makes me wonder if I did my grieving during that two months and I'm done or there is something seriously wrong with me. I do love my STBXW and would never trade our time together for anything (except the last couple of months). I dont harbor false hope for reconciliation so what gives? 

On a positive note, I weighed myself today and realized I have lost 22 lbs smthumbup since this all began and I am now below my pre-marriage weight and lightest I have been since I was a teenager. I was never obese by any stretch so it just seems weird. Either way, I will take it and see if I can keep it off.

In the meantime, got the kids yesterday and have them for a full week and looking forward to having some fun with them over the holiday weekend (USA) here. Gonna have some great weather so we will get out there and have some fun.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Sod,
Ive wondered about that eerie sense of calm as well. Its as if we expect ourselves to fall out and shrivel to a fetal position. It doesnt have to be that way. Accept and rejoice that its not. Allow it!
See it as a sign that something is supposed to be this way.
Congratulations on the weight loss, and time with the kids. So great.
I hope you have researched your rights and the family codes of your state in order to know what the judge is going to solely base his/her decisions on regarding your divorce. At least with that, you have a basis with which to work and expect your cases outcome.
Division of marital properties, can include retirement accounts, and pensions, which could go to pay off debts, or make downpayments on a new house, or the "not taking them" could be bartered against keeping something else of value. Just thoughts. 
I am on day two of being officially divorced and really, its nothing. Some things and pressures and expenses will fade thru it like the official-ness of it has little bearing on it. 
Keep the best interests of those kids on the top of your mind, and allow that goal to be evident in your words and actions. For as others will see it and judge you by it, especially when it is most necessary.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

search for Kübler-Ross model or the "5 stages of grief"


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

So my wife's family decided to post a very nice message on my Facebook account. I have never been close to them (they live 5000 miles away) and I must admit I was shocked.  I know that they had tried to talk my W out of the separation but I never expected them to actually reach out to me. My wife will be p##sed when she sees that 

That made me feel pretty bad so I guess I am not so messed up afterall.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Sod said:


> So my wife's family decided to post a very nice message on my Facebook account. I have never been close to them (they live 5000 miles away) and I must admit I was shocked. I know that they had tried to talk my W out of the separation but I never expected them to actually reach out to me. My wife will be p##sed when she sees that
> 
> That made me feel pretty bad so I guess I am not so messed up afterall.



YAY!

I deleted my stbex's family and friends I consider to be mostly "his"....which weren't that many LOL

I am beginning to hate facebook though - I think the devil himself had a hand in developing it! I hear more and more of people hooking up thru fbk. You didn't hear about this crap back in the day!


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

JustAGirl said:


> You didn't hear about this crap back in the day!



Hooking up through the internet was in place early on. Back when it was just basically a dark screen you had to type on. I don't know what the technical terms are. Before windows. Dos, I guess? You had to type in a long number to get into a chat room. No smileys, etc. I had a few nice trips to Georgia that began on one of those. Both single though. It's just more common and more easily accessible by almost everyone now.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> Hooking up through the internet was in place early on. Back when it was just basically a dark screen you had to type on. I don't know what the technical terms are. Before windows. Dos, I guess? You had to type in a long number to get into a chat room. No smileys, etc. I had a few nice trips to Georgia that began on one of those. Both single though. It's just more common and more easily accessible by almost everyone now.


My bad...I rememeber DOS but never got in any chat rooms.

But your right....very common now-a-days.

You know, all I really want is to find someone trustworthy, loyal and loving....don't know that I'll find them in a chat room.

*SIGH* oh well....


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Sod said:


> Got the papers and it appears her lawyer and I have different interpretations of fair. Should be interesting.


I'm in the same boat. We discussed the papers I gave her last night. Your wife's lawyer and my wife must be reading from the same definition of "fair". lol



JustAGirl said:


> You know, all I really want is to find someone trustworthy, loyal and loving....don't know that I'll find them in a chat room.


When the time is right, you'll find him. Probably not in a chat room.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Interesting morning. Just got back from my attorney's office to review what she filed. Her lawyer did use some creative license on the original filing but in general seems reasonable so there is still hope to keep this amicable. Discussed a couple of options with them and am definitely bringing my own lawyer through this. 

They did catch one thing that I missed, as part of the filing she has requested immediate spousal & child support to the amount equivalent to what she is asking for long term. What is forgotten is that if she does that, she will need to take full responsibility for all her debts and the house + maintenance which I have been paying for based on our verbal agreement and outlined plan that we agreed to when separating in June. If enforced, she will be in negative territory monthly based on how we are currently living.

Of course, being the nice guy I am, I call her and ask what she was thinking. She tells me she hasnt even seen or gotten the paperwork from her lawyer (Why would I consider sharing this guy????) and that was not her intention. I offered to maintain the current way we are handling the finances until this is all resolved to ensure we stay fair. Note that she ends up keeping more money now every month than I do but I was ok with that. She wants some time to read through it and will let me know  I told her she has until the end of the day until I stop payment on all mortgage and other bills I have paid out for September if thats what she wants.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> When the time is right, you'll find him. Probably not in a chat room.


Eh.....
Maybe it's me....:scratchhead:



> Sod


You go ahead! Make sure you stick to it though!


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

JustAGirl said:


> Maybe it's me....:scratchhead:



I think we all go through that. Remember, as many on here have said, faithful is an extremely attractive quality. Heal first and don't worry about the future. Take time for yourself for now.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> I think we all go through that. Remember, as many on here have said, faithful is an extremely attractive quality. Heal first and don't worry about the future. Take time for yourself for now.


pfffffffffffffffft ok!
Kidding....

I'm trying to heal - Makes me wonder how I picked the wrong one though....GO ME!


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

JustAGirl said:


> Makes me wonder how I picked the wrong one though


If you figure that one out, please let us all know! I'm sure there would be a market for that piece of information. Let's see, a few grand for attorneys when you find out the hard way. Several hundred for the secret beforehand. I'd say that would be a good deal.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

I KNOW! Maybe there should be a legal age put on marriages!

EIGHTY! That way everyone can screw whomever they want, go out and party and by the time they make it to the ripe old age of 80, they might know who they are and be ready for a serious relationship...JUST SAYIN'.... *rocking chairs optional*


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

That is a great idea justagirl. I always heard life is a [email protected]%^& you pay your taxes then you die. Im rethinking that and adding get divorced after taxes.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Sod you accept there isn't an OM , but everything she has done just screams it. And now she is setting up to have you finance her new lifestyle in style. You keep agreeing to everything she ass. Common stop being a doormat
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

I dont know if there is OM or not nor do I care, its not my problem anymore. Technically she has only asked for the minimum requirements and nothing more. Its a weird quirk in the calculator that is screwing it up. I will negotiate and try reason with her but if she chooses to put this in front of a judge I cant stop it


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