# What are the chances we can fix things



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

My wife had a physical affair with someone she reconnected with at her high school reunion, I was there. I found the emails about a month ago and she came clean about the affair and what it meant to her. No hang ups about money or kids with him and the excitement and the thrill. We both said we wanted to work things out we have been married 20 plus years. We had a blow up this week. She turned around and emailed him and she was reviewing their past experiences in graphic terms. When I caught her she said she was angry with me and just lashing out. 
She says it is over and she is not going to talk or see him again and wants to give us a chance. We have a deep connection with our kids and now our first grandchild and I am sure she really does mean what she says but I have my doubts.
I really feel like a fool but I do want to work things out. Should I even try? Almost 30 years of marriage. I am also having trouble with knowing some of the things they did rolling through my head. We have had sex a couple of times but not the fireworks some have talked about.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

Plenty of situations on this site that are much worse than what you have been confronted with. It boils down to this - if you are both interested in fixing things, putting the effort in to actually improve things, and truly love each other, it is possible. But it takes two to make it happen. It will never work if only one person is doing all the work.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

How remorseful is your wife for her betrayal? If the answer is very little to no remorse, then you have very little hope of marital reconciliation because she has no empathy for your pain. If she doesn't have the willingness to do the hard work of regaining your trust, then you have to ask yourself if you are willing to live in a one sided open marriage.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It sounds like she is continuing either contact him or hold him open as an option. She knew when she mailed him that it was beyond acceptable for her to have done that.

You should never accept her contacting him in any way. In fact you should never accept her going to anymore highschool reunions. It sounds like this affair is still very much in her head, and that she's thinking about him.

Has it gone underground? 

Does she understand that she should be on the street for what she did? Does she understand that if she actually does love you, then she should be pulling out all the stops to make up for the heartbreaking betrayal she chose to do to you?

From her actions it doesn't sound like she is remorseful. Could it be deeper? Could she have been cheating for years? It's surprising that a woman married for 30 years could just have a meaningless one night stand while you were nearby.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I'm going to answer assuming that a) the affair is dead, and b) that she is genuinely remorseful and has done the work necessary to reconcile; big assumptions I know. Fights and blow ups are a normal part of any relationship, especially a marriage. Bringing the old affair partner into a fight is just beyond wrong. If you have to live with the threat of her rekindling the affair every time the two of you lock horns that is completely unacceptable and no way to run a marriage. That has got to stop - completely and totally. No contact is no contact - FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE!! I don't care if the two of you have the most epic fight ever in the history of marriage. Unless the two of you divorce there is no circumstance under which she should ever contact the OM. It's just wrong, underhanded, fighting dirty and downright mean.

Edit - you know in hindsight, given that D Day was only a month ago. It is likely an unreasonable assumption that the affair is dead; and given that she contacted him again in a manner that you found, it's also unlikely that she is totally remorseful - which is an entirely different can of worms from my first answer. Affairs are very hard to kill - it takes some time. Hopefully my assumptions are correct, but keep an eye out and inspect what you expect.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

It appears the relationship started at the reunion. They traded phone numbers and emails. They traded messages back and forth and they met for the first time in Jan and once a month until June.

She seems remorseful for the affair but she says she is not sure how to act around me at home and in the bedroom.

My problems right now is I cannot focus on anything but what happened and cannot focus on work.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

What is happening to you is normal---and you are looking at a period of from 2 to 5 yrs, if you stay with your wife---SHE IS THE TRIGGER for all of this----it goes away faster if you D., and she is basically out of your life---out of site, probably not out of mind tho.

You are in for a great war with your sub-conscious---that is what brings up the visions---that is what replays the A. activities, while you are alone, driving, at work, in the wee small hours of the morning

What you do need to get at---If you wanna even try to R, is the deep down CORE WHY----your wife would do this----she knew every step of the way, WHAT she was doing, AND SHE KNEW EVERY STEP OF THE WAY what THE CONSEQUENCES WOULD BE, she has to fix herself, B4 you can fix the mge.---so you need to know what to fix.

If you wanna R, don't let her give you this, she doesn't know how to deal with you----she certainly knew how to lie to you, she knew how to plan her deceitful trips for sex, she knew how to manipulate you

This is all up to you

A truly remorseful wife wanting to R.---will do everything in her power, no matter what---to make the mge. work---not sit there with doubt, she has been with you for a long time, she should have no doubt, about how to deal with you

You have to wonder about a woman, who is close to going into her golden years, with a loving spouse, and wonderful family, of kids, and grandkids, and why she would throw it all away for some scumbag from her past, and a little cheap sex, and thrills

No matter what make her accountable---do not sweep this under the rug---and for now do NOT be mr. nice-guy, and cool it on the sex----she needs to know she has wrecked a mge., and the future of all her family


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

mahike,

Been right where you are now. One of the first things a victim of infidelity wants is to repair the relationship. It's a natural reaction. But impossible until you first:

Take care of yourself. You have to heal yourself before you can work on the marriage. The visions in your head will become less and less with time. Check out my post on the subject "Clearing Your Mind of the Images of Your Spouse in the Act" I pretty much spell out what worked for me.

You are dealing with a towering inferno right now..even though it seems like a small flame at the moment. Take time to really search through your inner dialog and find some solid ground to stand on.

Remember it is not your fault...not in any way, shape or form.

Best Wishes,

GM


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Last night she was getting changed to come to bed and in the past that would excite me now all I have is these visions of her with the other man. I was angry and stared at the wall all night.

I get angry with my self for not confronting the OM. Then I have thoughts of what has being a kind and thoughtful husband ever got me. Little things I would do to be thoughtful just make me feel like wow she really has me trained and what kind of man am I really


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## InsecureSecurity (Aug 7, 2011)

mahike said:


> Little things I would do to be thoughtful just make me feel like wow she really has me trained and what kind of man am I really


This is one of the biggest things that bothered me when I originally found out about my wife's affair. I then read a book called The 5 Love Languages. It made me realize that what I was doing to show my love and appreciate for my wife was what I wanted and expected, but now what she wanted and expected. It's a good read, and it sounds like it may help you out tremendously. Figure out what love language your wife "speaks" and try to do those things for her. You'll become a better man, and hopefully she'll recognize that and end the affair before it spirals even more out of control.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I highly advice that YOU consider going to IC (individual counseling) to help you move on because whether or not your marriage survives your wife's affair, you will still have to deal with the anger and bitterness that could poison you and follow you for the rest of your life. Right now, your wife is not the enemy, it is the toxic twins anger and bitterness. Also click on the link below my signature titled Forgiveness for more advice.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Has she sent him a NC letter? That would certainly be step towards showing her remorse.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Has she sent him a NC letter? That would certainly be step towards showing her remorse.


What is an NC Letter? She told me that it was over already when I found out and based on the information I found it seems that they had eneded the PA

I am sure I need to talk with someone. I am praying but that only seems to make me focus in on what happened


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

A NC (no contact) letter is just that. A letter telling the OM that she is breaking any contact with him, that she is focusing on you and the marriage and that he should never contact her again. Lots of examples here. 

It's her job to make you comfortable that it's over - don't take her word for it. You need to know and have peace of mind that it's really over. Inspect what you expect.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> A NC (no contact) letter is just that. A letter telling the OM that she is breaking any contact with him, that she is focusing on you and the marriage and that he should never contact her again. Lots of examples here.
> 
> It's her job to make you comfortable that it's over - don't take her word for it. You need to know and have peace of mind that it's really over. Inspect what you expect.


That is a good idea I will talk with her today about the NC letter. I have this guys email address and cell number. I have thought about calling him. I am sure his wife does not know what has happened. Do I have any obligation to her?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

mahike said:


> That is a good idea I will talk with her today about the NC letter. I have this guys email address and cell number. I have thought about calling him. I am sure his wife does not know what has happened. Do I have any obligation to her?


Different views on this one here. I don't personally believe you have any _obligation_ to her but that doesn't mean you shouldn't tell her. If the affair is still going on, telling her is the surest way to end it conclusively. If you elect to do so, do not tell your W before doing so - if the affair is still going on it will give your W and the OM time to get their stories straight. Me personally if the affair is over, I'd leave it alone. Their problems are their problems and I would just want to focus on me and my marriage. If the affair wasn't over - I'd contact her in a heart beat. I don't see much value in contacting the OM.

Another thing on the NC letter. She needs to write it, you need to approve it before it's sent, and then you either need to mail it yourself or get CC'd on the email so you know it was sent.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

also- if the OM is married or has a gf then tell her


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I was thinking about the NC letter. I suppose what she writes will tell me a great deal about how committed she is to fixing things. I agree she should write the letter but I should send it, that way I am sure it goes out.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Yes it will tell you a lot about where she is with things. If it doesn't cut muster with you don't accept it and tell her to do it again.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Seeing how she made contact with him again after a fight, i'd say yes to contacting the betrayed wife. If roles were reversed you would want to be told right? Right now he gets away with shagging your wife...zipping up his pants with no consequences, while you suffer. Time to spread the wealth.

The only way to ensure he remains out of the picture for good is too expose him to his wife.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Well another sleepless night. I can fall asleep but I wake up about 3 am and stare at the wall. I made an appointment with a therapist yesterday for next week.

My wife is trying hard to make things ok around the house, checks in during the day and tells me she loves me but I cannot get these thoughts out of my head.

I am getting very angry and I am just stuffing down my feelings. My adult kids are asking what is wrong but I cannot bring myself to tell them what has happened. I love them to much to dump our crap on them.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Your wife also needs to go to IC to find out why she allowed herself to have an affair. This is vitally important to both of you, otherwise there will never be a comfortable degree of uncertainty that this will not repeat itself in the future.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

mahike said:


> Well another sleepless night. I can fall asleep but I wake up about 3 am and stare at the wall. I made an appointment with a therapist yesterday for next week.
> 
> My wife is trying hard to make things ok around the house, checks in during the day and tells me she loves me but I cannot get these thoughts out of my head.
> 
> I am getting very angry and I am just stuffing down my feelings. My adult kids are asking what is wrong but I cannot bring myself to tell them what has happened. I love them to much to dump our crap on them.


It's going to happen, unexpectedly and often. You can't stuff those feelings down forever; therapy will help, as will dialogue communication with your wife. MC can help you dialogue appropriately; IC can help the two of you deal with your different issues here. 

It is good she's trying; you will need that for many reasons, most of all to know you're not alone in this attempt. Brace yourself for a long road, but you _can_ do this if she remains in it with you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm curious, does your wife acknowledge just how wrong it was of her to contact the OM after the fight? Because that is either a sign that she's still thinking about him, or she is a very vengeful person, or she has the worst judgment of anyone alive.

what has she said about that after fight contact?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

mahike said:


> My wife had a physical affair with someone she reconnected with at her high school reunion, I was there. I found the emails about a month ago and she came clean about the affair and what it meant to her. No hang ups about money or kids with him and the excitement and the thrill. We both said we wanted to work things out we have been married 20 plus years. We had a blow up this week. She turned around and emailed him and she was reviewing their past experiences in graphic terms. When I caught her she said she was angry with me and just lashing out.
> She says it is over and she is not going to talk or see him again and wants to give us a chance. We have a deep connection with our kids and now our first grandchild and I am sure she really does mean what she says but I have my doubts.
> I really feel like a fool but I do want to work things out. Should I even try? Almost 30 years of marriage. I am also having trouble with knowing some of the things they did rolling through my head. We have had sex a couple of times but not the fireworks some have talked about.


Only you can answer whether you should try to save this marriage. For me this would have been a deal breaker once I found out the affair was a PA. That is just me. It is UFB that you were there with her at her reunion and she still found a way to isolate you enough to have sex with this guy.

High School reunions these days are a huge problem. I encourage the spouses to go along to prevent this type of thing.

So she had sex with another guy and because she got mad at you she is reconnecting with him!? Pretty hateful. She holds the threat of having sex with other men over your head now. I have been married 33 years. I love my wife greater than myself. She has given me no reason to believe she has been unfaithful. If it came to light that she had had a PA I would move on. It would be incredibly painful BUT it would tell me that my marriage was a sham. Again, not many folks on here feel this way. I have my boundaries.

If you want to reconsile however, you will get some grerat advice on how to do that on this forum. These folks have been there and done that. I wish you luck and above all peace.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> I'm curious, does your wife acknowledge just how wrong it was of her to contact the OM after the fight? Because that is either a sign that she's still thinking about him, or she is a very vengeful person, or she has the worst judgment of anyone alive.
> 
> what has she said about that after fight contact?


Yes she admited it was a wrong thing to do and spitful. She says that she never loved him it was an escape from our problems

To answer another question they did not have a PA at the reunion that occurred several months later but based on the emails I read it was the start of an EA


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I think it depends on what her affair has done to your heart .

~sammy


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

From your posts so far, you're headed down a long path of anger and resentment that will keep on building unless you find a release for it.

Keep shoving it down your throat and one day, no matter how much your wife has turned around and devoted to you, you'll snap and be out the door.

Face it, get it out in the open and move on. If not, it'll fester to the point where you won't even be able to look at your wife, but throw on that fake smile and go on with life living a lie with her.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She's found a hurtful button then to press: you get her mad enough and she'll connect with him. 

So do you have a plan on how you react if she pulls a stunt like that again? Do you tell her to leave?

And once you've set the action plan,have you told her what you will do when/if she pulls that ever again.

You need to do this now when you're not in the middle of an argument, and she has to know now while not in the middle of her anger. 

I know you want to R. Clearly setting boundaries and consequences is an important part of R, it's also part of having her respect you when you follow through.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

You can get through this. I'd also suggest seeing your physician and getting some help with anti depressants, an anti anxiety like xanax for when you trigger the worst and some kind of sleep aid. If your personality is severely changing, sleep and your triggers are dragging you deeper and getting help for it is not hameful or makes you less of man. You have to take of yourself. You and your wife need to sit down and discuss boundaries for the future for both of you. Things like what is acceptable contact with a member of the opposite sex and what isn't. i.e. no girls (or guys)nights out at meat markets. No emails r private chats or conversations with anyone of the opposite sex - there is no reason for them. Sure there are work parties and such, but there is no reason to talk alone outside of a group of people. No tlaking about personal matters like your marriage or personal thoughts. If someone approaches or show interest in either one of you, they aer politely to be told to bug off and the other spouse told who and what - this helps by getting both of you to support each other. These bondaries, once discussed and agreed on will start to give you some sense of security and safety with her. SHe must understand the key to sucess is complete openess and honesty - not getting the thrill and throwing away the marriage.

Her letting you know where she is very helpful. If she has an Iphone, you can use find my ipone to confirm - a confidence builder. Just make sure she she knowswhy you are doing it. She should also be willing to give you all the passwords and user IDs for email, phone records etc. Don't let watching become an obsession. But you can use it when your fears are at their peak. Let her know that when you trigger, you need to held and comforted and told it's over and your the only one she wants. 

Most importantly, do not interrogate or get nasty or mean when your angry. Give yourself a time out and make sure she understands that when you do that it is protect her from needless rage - not because your distant or don't love her.

Both of you need to work on healing yourselves. SHe can comfort and help - she cannot fix you. She too has alot of self introspection to do. She needs to own it first. Then she needs to understand why. You too should look inside yourslef and what you may ahve been doing to create a vulnerability. Your not at fault for the A but you are equally responsible for the marriage. WHat are the things you can do make the marriage mroe honest, open and happier for BOTH of you. The alst thing she needs to do is forgive herself. That is impossible until she feels you have forgiven her. All of this takes IC for both of you and MC with no time limit.

Youwill find that if you both work hard at it,your marriage can better than it was for the last 20 years. It takes time and there will be lots of ups and downs. Commit to it and you won't regret it.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You should tell the other wife---she has a right to know, so she can make an informed decision, about how to deal with the rest of her life----also she will become your ally, in keeping the A. from starting up again

It is your sub-conscious that you are now doing battle with---thinking about the other man inside of her, being with her, when you are alone driving, at work, at 3 a m in the wee small hours----counseling may help, it just doesn't go away so easily, that is just a fact of life

Again and again I read how the cheater keeps telling her/his betrayed spouse how they love them-----how do you love someone, and commit them to living in misery for the rest of their lives, the one thing I think that would just turn me totally off is a cheating spouse that says he/she loves me, where are they coming from---or is it that their skills in compartmentalization are remarkeable---or do they just have no soul.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I had a very emotional day yesterday. My wife agreed to write a NC letter and I then sent it to the OM and a copy back to her. I then went to meet with a Marriage and Family Therapist. It was laid out what my emotional roller coaster will look like moving forward.

At this point my wife is still remorseful and trying hard to keep things on an even keel at home but she does not want to go with me to the counseling sessions. I am not sure if I should make an issue of it our not at this point.

I am hoping in the short run these meetings will help me with the anger that keeps boilng up in side.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

If you want her to go - she should go. She's the one who's got to do the heavy lifting to help you reestablish peace of mind and trust.


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