# Sexless marrage.



## Frustrated61 (Aug 19, 2021)

Ok to start we've been married 40yrs.we got married early she was 18 I was 19 , sex was great she was always ready to do new thing's to keep it exciting, so when we had or kid she was 24 I noticed a decline in her sex drive. Then she had a hysterectomy like 20 years ago and from that point forward she's had Absolutely no sex drive.she would have sex when I ask or take care of me. Now it's been sexless for years, she tells me she's going to go to a doctor, yet she never does I've been hearing this for years, with nothing ever done. I've tried to spice it up with different toy's and even tried to meet other couples just for same room sex to make thing's exciting and new experiences we could enjoy Together, this seemed to ignite our sex life with each other it was Amazing, then she decided she didn't want to do that anymore, and yes the sex stopped again. We really love each other very much and I would never cheat on her, but I'm at witts end I finally give up and I accept this is a sexless marriage, it's just not fair to me , I'm a very sexual person , and have offered everything, but nothing ever lasts, at this point I don't know what else to do. I'm not getting any younger time is catching up quickly, this is a very important part of who I am and I can't have that with my wife and its frustrating,


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Let's assume that she does love you and wants to stay married. She obviously does not see the lack of sex as a threat to the marriage as you are the only one trying to right the ship. She won't even make the effort to go see a doctor. You say that you have given up and have accepted a sexless marriage, but the very fact that you are here indicates that you have not given up. So if I were in your shoes, I would try something different.

I would sit down with her and lay out everything that you are feeling, just like you have done here. Then I would tell her that if she cannot be bothered to help you fix this, that you are going to consult a lawyer about getting a divorce. I would give her a week to get into a doctor's office and if it doesn't happen, I would consult a lawyer and start the divorce process. Perhaps that will wake her up and she will get active in saving the marriage. If not, I would go ahead and have her served. You may have to actually divorce her before she wakes up. If she does, the two of you can begin dating and possibly reattach.

She has made the decision to remove sex from your marriage. A decision that affects both of you, not just her. A loving spouse does not do that. She is quite happy with the current situation even though you are not. It's time to shake up her world.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

It's time for what I call the "healthy talk". Put it all out in the open. Intimacy is an important part of the relationship... if she doesn't agree to get medical help (a necessity for many women post-menopause/hysterectomy), then she is basically saying, "Yeah... sorry. It's not that important to me." Which is completely fair and within her right to say... it's her damn body. It's also well within your right to say that you'd like to continue on the next chapter of your life in a real romantic relationship with somebody else.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This is just my own personal musings as I am closer to 60 than I am to 50 and have been married over 25 years. 

Some marital sex lives simply have an expiration date. 

Things like health issues, medications, menopause, hysterectomies and just simply the loss of passion after multiple decades together all can dampen the flames of sexual desire. 

Sounds like she is willing to lend a hand to help give you some pressure relief now and then and that is commendable and appreciable on her part. 

But I completely understand how that is not a full, mutually satisfying experience. It’s often a bandaid on a large, open wound that if not treated will begin to fester. 

There’s really no solution that will restore her to a 25 year old hottie again. 

Hormone therapy can help temporarily but comes with its own set of side effects, complications and expense. 

Your general options are a 

- learn to cope with some non sexual affections and handjobs while she reads her emails on her phone or watches HGTV on TV.

- discretely acquire the services of a professional or work out an arrangement with a sugar baby. 

- see if you can find a woman in a similar sexless situation and discretely give each other a sense of humanity.

- see if your wife would be agreeable to an open marriage and pursue that if she agrees. 

- divorce and see if you can find a younger, intact woman. 

- grit your teeth and bear it and spank to porn watching other people have sex. 

Those are you general options. All of them come with their own set of advantages and disadvantages. You’ll have to determine which is the right one for you.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

So sorry @Frustrated61 that you are having to endure this

As the others have said you just need to sit her down and put everything on the table. Ask her if she truly loves you? I would assume she would say yes or of course. Then let her know how you feel about her how much you love her and how much you look forward to spending the rest of lives (golden years) with her. However, this needs to includes being intimate with her. Then say she needs to go to the doctor as soon as possible and you will be right with her every step of the way. Then make it clear to her that things can not go on the way they currently are and if she is unwilling to do anything then make sure she understands that then you all may need to go your separate ways (if that is what you feel) I assume you want something done since you came here. Best of luck!


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## Frustrated61 (Aug 19, 2021)

Frustrated61 said:


> Ok to start we've been married 40yrs.we got married early she was 18 I was 19 , sex was great she was always ready to do new thing's to keep it exciting, so when we had or kid she was 24 I noticed a decline in her sex drive. Then she had a hysterectomy like 20 years ago and from that point forward she's had Absolutely no sex drive.she would have sex when I ask or take care of me. Now it's been sexless for years, she tells me she's going to go to a doctor, yet she never does I've been hearing this for years, with nothing ever done. I've tried to spice it up with different toy's and even tried to meet other couples just for same room sex to make thing's exciting and new experiences we could enjoy Together, this seemed to ignite our sex life with each other it was Amazing, then she decided she didn't want to do that anymore, and yes the sex stopped again. We really love each other very much and I would never cheat on her, but I'm at witts end I finally give up and I accept this is a sexless marriage, it's just not fair to me , I'm a very sexual person , and have offered everything, but nothing ever lasts, at this point I don't know what else to do. I'm not getting any younger time is catching up quickly, this is a very important part of who I am and I can't have that with my wife and its frustrating,


TO answer all the kind advice. 
We've sat down MANY TIMES and discussed the issues. I've even offered her to try swinging so she could be with another 
guy / Couple , only RULE IS we must do it together. Or nothing. I offered this because I feel after 40 year's of marriage were very strong in our relationship, we gave no trust or jealousy issues, and maybe it would bring back the flame. It did for a bit when we did the couple only same room thing it made our personal sex lives FANTASTIC after years she was very excited to have sex a COUPLE times a week. Then she wanted to quit that , and our sex lives went back to none existence. 
I REALY don't know what else I can offer her.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Frustrated61 said:


> Then she wanted to quit that


What was her reason?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Frustrated61 said:


> I REALY don't know what else I can offer her.


If she is up front that she no longer wants to have a sexual life, then it’s really not about what you can offer her but rather what she can offer you. 

What is she willing to offer you??


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## Frustrated61 (Aug 19, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> What was her reason?


The guy's in that lifestyle aren't good looking enough.


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## Frustrated61 (Aug 19, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> If she is up front that she no longer wants to have a sexual life, then it’s really not about what you can offer her but rather what she can offer you.
> 
> What is she willing to offer you??


Nothing I guess, I offer whatever I can think of and nothing is offered to me.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Involving a third and / or fourth party in a relationship is for healthy relationships only, and very risky even then. Don't do that.

She doesn't have the right to choose celibacy for you. You need to decide if this is important enough to end the relationship over. Or get permission to get it elsewhere, but whats the point of that really?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Frustrated61 said:


> Nothing I guess, I offer whatever I can think of and nothing is offered to me.


There's your answer.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Most of the other posters here disagree with me on this but my opinion is if someone has come right out and told their partner that they no longer want to have a sex life with them, then what the other person does with their sexuality at that point is none of their business. 

Everyone has the right to autonomy and self-determination of their own body and their own sexuality. If someone does not want to have sex with you, that is their perogative and their right. 

What they don't have the right to do however is force you into involuntary celibacy. And neither of you have the right to force the other to remain in the marriage. Right now men and women are being slaughtered in the streets in Afghanistan for trying to have some free will over their own bodies and their own marriages. But here in the west, sexuality and marriage and relationships are based on free will and self determination. 

If she has declared your marital sex life over through word or deed, she has thusly waived her claim to your sexual exclusivity and her claim for continued marriage. You are a free and legal adult man that has agency and self-determination of your own sexuality and relationship status. You can do whatever you want with your sexuality whether it be spanking to porn for the rest of your life, tucking it in your pants and forgetting about it forever or finding someone else that wants to be with you. 

If she can't live with that, she can either find a way to meet your needs or she is also free to end the marriage. 

My input here is do whatever you want for she has already demonstrated her position on the matter. The ball is now in your court.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Frustrated61 said:


> The guy's in that lifestyle aren't good looking enough.


I see... interesting.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> What was her reason?


this is the key question

does she have pain from sex?
does she have no desire?
Has she become lesbian or Asexual?
Does she hate your guts for some reason?
Is there some religious hangup, like on contraception?

IF you can pinpoint what the reason is, then you have a path to work on it.
If she is just done with sex for the rest of her iife, find someone else, either with her permission, or after you divorced her


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Talker67 said:


> this is the key question
> 
> does she have pain from sex?
> does she have no desire?
> ...


He did reply with an answer...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> He did reply with an answer...


The question he replied to was her stated reason why she didn’t want to swing with other couples anymore (and that was just a brush-off excuse) but it was not addressing why she doesn’t want to have sex with HIM.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> The question he replied to was her stated reason why she didn’t want to swing with other couples anymore (and that was just a brush-off excuse) but it was not addressing why she doesn’t want to have sex with HIM.


ok, fine... but Talker67 quoted me... so I assumed, ah well... who cares?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> This is just my own personal musings as I am closer to 60 than I am to 50 and have been married over 25 years.
> 
> Some marital sex lives simply have an expiration date.
> 
> ...


BS....hystorectomy and menopause...simple you go to the damn Dr and get on HRT. My wife had Hystorectomy 8 yrs ago and she is on HRT. Sex life has never been better. If one male or female does not care about their spouse enough to fix it, then walk away or open the marriage for their spouse....if their spouse is willing. 

Wifes surgeon, Chief Oncologist at the Women's Cancer Center at Baylor Medical Center of Dallas said "After hystorectomy a woman should be on all HRT(Progesterone, Testosterone, Estridial) all are important, you have all 3 before hysterectomy. If your Gyn says you do not need them....find a new Dr. Women should have all 3." If Dr. wants to take uterus and leave ovaries, 2/3rds of blood supply to ovaries come from the uterus. If you only take uterus..with in 2 yrs the ovaries quit working due to being starved for blood supply. Then the woman runs the risk of ovarian cancer when the ovaries no longer serve a purpose other than to be something to make her have surgery later or loosing her life over. 

My wife is soo much happier and sexual after full hystorectomy and being on HRT. Multi-orgasmic through PIV, definately has libido(still wants sex when passing kidney stone), no dryness(only if dehydrated after working outside in summer heat)

I have a co-worker that has had one and no HRT....she is seriously screwed up. I tell my wife how she acts and she just says, "It's her hormones, if she would take them it would be 10x better" 

Lack of hormones will totally F a person up!
It is a matter of do they love their spouse and family enough to go get it fixed.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Divinely Favored said:


> BS....hystorectomy and menopause...simple you go to the damn Dr and get on HRT. My wife had Hystorectomy 8 yrs ago and she is on HRT. Sex life has never been better. If one male or female does not care about their spouse enough to fix it, then walk away or open the marriage for their spouse....if their spouse is willing.
> 
> Wifes surgeon, Chief Oncologist at the Women's Cancer Center at Baylor Medical Center of Dallas said "After hystorectomy a woman should be on all HRT(Progesterone, Testosterone, Estridial) all are important, you have all 3 before hysterectomy. If your Gyn says you do not need them....find a new Dr. Women should have all 3." If Dr. wants to take uterus and leave ovaries, 2/3rds of blood supply to ovaries come from the uterus. If you only take uterus..with in 2 yrs the ovaries quit working due to being starved for blood supply. Then the woman runs the risk of ovarian cancer when the ovaries no longer serve a purpose other than to be something to make her have surgery later or loosing her life over.
> 
> ...


I’m not saying that HRT cannot or will not effect libido. My wife was receiving testosterone injections for awhile following a uterine ablation and it was like living on a porn movie set 😃 

What I said was hormonal therapies come with their own set of pros and cons as well as side effects and expenses etc. 

Doctors seem to be a little more agreeable to prescribing HRT for people with full hysterectomies but some seem to be less inclined with menopause as some believe it is a natural product of age and are somewhat hesitant to start pumping hormones and chemicals into people because their husbands want more sex. 

Some women themselves are hesitant to seek hormonal treatment as they don’t feel the need to take chemicals for a libido when they don’t have an interest in sex to begin with.

And I’ll also point out that if the core reason a wife is not sexual with her H is because she is not attracted to him or the relationship is not in a good place, there is a very risk risk that HRT will boost her libido alright, but it will be for Sven At Yoga or Kevin From Sales or the young neighbor down the street that works on his Harley in the driveway with his shirt off.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> I’m not saying that HRT cannot or will not effect libido. My wife was receiving testosterone injections for awhile following a uterine ablation and it was like living on a porn movie set 😃
> 
> What I said was hormonal therapies come with their own set of pros and cons as well as side effects and expenses etc.
> 
> ...


HRT is just replacing what is no longer being produced by the removed or shut down body parts. Those "chemicals" were being produced by their bodies for 40+ years already. Now they have bio-identical the so called risks are no greater than what it was when our own bodies produced it. Its just excuses for not giving a crap about their spouses feelings. Most Dr do not know enough about HRT and are afraid to prescribe it. It has come along way since they has synthetic estrogen that caused a bunch of breast cancer.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> I’m not saying that HRT cannot or will not effect libido. My wife was receiving testosterone injections for awhile following a uterine ablation and it was like living on a porn movie set


Not true for all women. My wife was on T cream for a few months. Zero change in libido but then again she was terrified it was going to give her cancer. Also said it made her skin oily and break out. So she quit.


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

Divinely Favored said:


> If Dr. wants to take uterus and leave ovaries, 2/3rds of blood supply to ovaries come from the uterus. If you only take uterus..with in 2 yrs the ovaries quit working due to being starved for blood supply. Then the woman runs the risk of ovarian cancer when the ovaries no longer serve a purpose other than to be something to make her have surgery later or loosing her life over.


Apologies if this is too far off topic, but the above quote is inaccurate. I had a hysterectomy in which I kept my ovaries. It was 11 years ago. My ovaries still work fine and I am hormonally normal. The gynecological oncologist who did my surgery said it was perfectly safe and in fact healthier to keep my ovaries if possible, rather than having them removed with the uterus.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Chaotic said:


> Apologies if this is too far off topic, but the above quote is inaccurate. I had a hysterectomy in which I kept my ovaries. It was 11 years ago. My ovaries still work fine and I am hormonally normal. The gynecological oncologist who did my surgery said it was perfectly safe and in fact healthier to keep my ovaries if possible, rather than having them removed with the uterus.


Have you had regular hormone level bloodwork. My cowoeker thinks she is just fine and does not need it.she does not think there is an issue but all the coworkers kbow better.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ever thought it might be emotional?

Outside parties often times create feelings of resentment or guilt later.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

I think some people just have not much interest in sex. Just today I made a sexual comment to the wife and she said "Wow, do you think about sex every day?" and I responded "I sure do!" She said she can go weeks without even thinking about it. I told her I knew that as thats why we go weeks without having it.

She said most women she knows are like that and don't think about it much. I told her thats why there are so many unhappy husbands out there.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

If having sex frequently was really important to you @FloridaGuy1, you would be going out of your way to have sex with others.

Yet instead you, play silly games with your wife and do nothing to actually get more sex. So please reexamine what you actually want.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> *She said most women she knows are like that and don't think about it much. * I told her thats why there are so many unhappy husbands out there.


I don't believe her at all. This is called gaslighting. Do you honestly think she's asked all the women she knows?

I am the OPPOSITE of her, and so are many women I know.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

LisaDiane said:


> I don't believe her at all. This is called gaslighting. Do you honestly think she's asked all the women she knows?
> 
> I am the OPPOSITE of her, and so are many women I know.


I wish I could meet some of the women YOU know and then I could also achieve @Personal suggestion of having sex with them!


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

LisaDiane said:


> I don't believe her at all. This is called gaslighting. Do you honestly think she's asked all the women she knows?
> 
> I am the OPPOSITE of her, and so are many women I know.


So if I am not being too personal, how frequently do you and your partner have sex?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> So if I am not being too personal, how frequently do you and your partner have sex?


Brace yourself now...


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Hormones + emotional health are everything. I’m on HRT at 47 and my wife tried it at 45 and quit. The doc we saw told us how he used to be an OB/GYN and had his own flourishing practice. His words were that most OB/GYNs focus of PAP smears and babies.. not hormones. He sold his practice and now does HRT exclusively.

At one time, my wife’s blood work showed she had just above 0 testosterone in her system. She had no energy, terrible sleep, no confidence and it looked like she hit the accelerator on aging (like aging 10 years in 2). 

After 24 hours of her first injection all she could think about was sex. I said now you know how I feel… everyday. She didn’t know how i could do it. She eventually got scared of the side effects (hair growth, enlarged clitoris), determined she as fine and quit. 

While she isn’t on any now the only thing that ups her drive is weightlifting and ovulating but she’s peri menopausal now and now works full time. Sex is great but frequency is slowly dropping and I’m sure within a few years she’ll have zero desire.

I’ve read a lot of these kind of posts where they question if their partner “loves them.” And TBH the answer is yes but it is not erotic love it is familial love no different than a sibling. Erotic love out of the other forms seems to be the only one with a commonly accepted expiration date. It is also shamed and invalidated the most.

Everyone has agency. You can invalidate your partner, meet them where they’re at or adopt a sense of pride that your partner has no reason to seek fulfillment elsewhere. If your hormones are zero, you definitely get the former. My wife is the gatekeeper of sexual intimacy but I’m the gatekeeper of other things. I’m not advocating tit-for-tat but I think matching thermostats is completely appropriate and a healthy way to set boundaries. Each partner unlocks things that can grow a relationship or lock them up have the relationship atrophy.

From experience, I will say invalidating your partners needs and desires is a huge disincentive to go out of your way to meet theirs. My wife does have a double standard. It is perfectly OK for her to complain about our house, vacations, and compare us to her friends while summarily rejecting and attacking the notion that anything that she provides for isn’t good enough.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> Brace yourself now...


Lolol!!! For what?? I've always been VERY sweet to you!! While being honest, of course!!!

Or do you think I'm going to reveal something that makes it sound like I'm starting my own OnlyFans page?? I promise I won't!!! 



FloridaGuy1 said:


> So if I am not being too personal, how frequently do you and your partner have sex?


Ok, to answer this question...I am one of the few posters here who ended my (18yr) marriage over the lack of a consistent sex life. We had other BIG problems, but my orgasm goggles kept me from seeing them -- as long as he had sex with me every other week or so, I felt VERY in love with him and put up with things that now I can't believe I didn't see as very serious.

He was my second husband (and second sex partner), and with my first husband I had sex every day or more, and never got tired of it, even when my kids were babies. With my STBX, there were days that we would have sex multiple times, but it was very rare. I LOVED that, though!!!

I have ALWAYS been excited to have sex...there were times that I would drop the sponge in the sink in the middle of doing dishes to run in our bedroom when my STBX would come in and say, "Let's go"...I thought that was SOOOOOO exciting!!!!!

Now just give me your credit card number and I'll tell you MORE....
Lolol!!!!


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

LisaDiane said:


> Lolol!!! For what?? I've always been VERY sweet to you!! While being honest, of course!!!


I was pulling your leg... I appreciate all your help, really...


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I wish I could meet some of the women YOU know and then I could also achieve @Personal suggestion of having sex with them!


Lol!!! I'm sure there are PLENTY of women near you who you could have sex with much more conveniently. Availability is NOT your issue...


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I wish I could meet some of the women YOU know and then I could also achieve @Personal suggestion of having sex with them!


You are the only one stopping your wish from being fulfilled.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> I don't believe her at all. This is called gaslighting. Do you honestly think she's asked all the women she knows?
> 
> I am the OPPOSITE of her, and so are many women I know.


She has no clue. She is just imposing her view on all of the women she knows. Lots of women are very sexual, like my wife  She will rarely if ever outright initiate sex, but she is very responsive to my advances. 22 times this month, only 26 days into the month, and I cherish every one. Yes I keep a log. We don't really get into detailed talks about sex with our friends, but I've heard and seen enough to know that many of the women are very sexual towards their husbands.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

farsidejunky said:


> You are the only one stopping your wish from being fulfilled.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


Well, me and a sex-starved willing woman!


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Well, me and a sex-starved willing woman!


Tell your wife you want an open marriage, since sex is something she has no interest in!!

You just have to decide what you are going to put your effort into -- what you have, or what you want.
If you decide to go for what you WANT, then there are all kinds of options for you!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I think some people just have not much interest in sex. Just today I made a sexual comment to the wife and she said "Wow, do you think about sex every day?" and I responded "I sure do!" She said she can go weeks without even thinking about it. I told her I knew that as thats why we go weeks without having it.
> 
> She said most women she knows are like that and don't think about it much. I told her thats why there are so many unhappy husbands out there.


Yes, that’s all true … unfortunately. But she’s fine the way things are and she apparently doesn’t care that you’re not. I’d say that things will likely continue as they are. You and many others are sadly in that same sinking ship.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

LisaDiane said:


> Tell your wife you want an open marriage, since sex is something she has no interest in!!
> 
> You just have to decide what you are going to put your effort into -- what you have, or what you want.
> If you decide to go for what you WANT, then there are all kinds of options for you!


But thats the problem, she thinks she has interest in sex. To her, a time or two or three per month of vanilla sex is considered normal. She thinks I am abnormal for wanting it so much more.

So as we have hashed out before, my only real option is to leave.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Openminded said:


> Yes, that’s all true … unfortunately. But she’s fine the way things are and she apparently doesn’t care that you’re not. I’d say that things will likely continue as they are. You and many others are sadly in that same sinking ship.


Yep.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> So as we have hashed out before, my only real option is to leave.


If you don’t like the hole you are digging, it is on you to stop digging.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> But thats the problem, she thinks she has interest in sex. To her, a time or two or three per month of vanilla sex is considered normal. She thinks I am abnormal for wanting it so much more.
> 
> So as we have hashed out before, my only real option is to leave.


I don't believe that. She KNOWS. She is simply trying to keep you compliant by shaming you for being "abnormal"...it's called gaslighting. Sex once per month falls under the definition of "sexless".


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

LisaDiane said:


> I don't believe that. She KNOWS. She is simply trying to keep you compliant by shaming you for being "abnormal"...it's called gaslighting. Sex once per month falls under the definition of "sexless".


The trouble is that @FloridaGuy1 doesn't want duty sex, as far as I can remember. But that's what he is going to get if his wife decides to increase the frequency for his sake. Unfortunately, it's a total mismatch and there is no solution. Keep going like this, ask for an open marriage or divorce. At least he is getting some sex. Let's wait until his wife decides she's had enough of that nonsense... I guess that will be the time when FloridaGuy will be finally free from this torture.

EDIT: also, I can see that @FloridaGuy1 is getting vanilla sex, so that makes it even more unbearable. At least, in my sad love story, despite being duty sex, I was getting involved and "enthusiastic" sex. And that makes a big difference.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Not sure of the respective ages of OP and spouse but 40 years married am guessing six decades plus. With a big mismatch in libido, the LD person not interested at all. Others recounting the same story, seemingly at nearing the same ages. Usually the one whose sexual energy is being squelched is the male, evidently because as with males of most species, the sexual energy rarely disappears. The advice is always to do 180s or some other such thing from a book, convince the female to have hormones fixed, convince the female to allow an "open marriage", or just divorce and play elsewhere. I haven't read any thread yet where the issue was successfully resolved. The LD partner, usually the woman isn't interested in doing anything and if the OB wants to divorce, she wont suffer in any way cuz he will still be supporting her. She can play with her cats and enjoy life without being constantly pestered to do something she doesn't want to do anymore.

There is an alternative to consider. What if the HD has their hormones suppressed? With either sex, as age progresses the hormone production naturally decreases. If both partners end up with low or no desire, maybe that is an inexpensive way to arrive at a happy end of life? Instead of fruitless striving to bring the LD person up, what if the HD person comes down?

I assume if for health reasons a wife must forgo or stop HRT, with consequent disappearance of any sexual interest, the husband may need to get his T suppressed to avoid destroying the marriage?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Rus47 said:


> the husband may need to get his T suppressed to avoid destroying the marriage?


I used anti-depressants to "delete" my libido. It did work, but I became a zombie... so I stopped and accepted the duty sex. At least it was good... which infuriates you even more, but this a completely different story...


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Rus47 said:


> I haven't read any thread yet where the issue was successfully resolved.


It has been over a year now for me and everything still good. So at least for now mine is successfully resolved to where I no longer think about it.

It does seem to be rare. Most people seemingly aren’t willing or able to do what I did, which is sort of exactly follow the blueprint from the books and you also maybe have to be lucky.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> I used anti-depressants to "delete" my libido. It did work, but I became a zombie... so I stopped and accepted the duty sex. At least it was good... which infuriates you even more, but this a completely different story...


I am not sure your age, but would assume there are other meds without unwelcome side effects? For example, at our age (mid 70s) both wife and I without HRT would have low hormone levels and probably reduced libido. Being female, hers could probably disappear, and she might become more interested in cats than having sex with this old man. With a testosterone depressing med like is used to treat prostate cancer victims, mine could also disappear. The issue hasn't arrived for us ( yet ), but could imagine that happening if wife is told to discontinue HRT for health reasons. I would also stop T injections. And, if necessary get other meds. No way am I going to blow up our long marriage this near the end of our lives just because I am hornier than she is.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> Not sure of the respective ages of OP and spouse but 40 years married am guessing six decades plus. With a big mismatch in libido, the LD person not interested at all. Others recounting the same story, seemingly at nearing the same ages. Usually the one whose sexual energy is being squelched is the male, evidently because as with males of most species, the sexual energy rarely disappears. The advice is always to do 180s or some other such thing from a book, convince the female to have hormones fixed, convince the female to allow an "open marriage", or just divorce and play elsewhere. I haven't read any thread yet where the issue was successfully resolved. The LD partner, usually the woman isn't interested in doing anything and if the OB wants to divorce, she wont suffer in any way cuz he will still be supporting her. She can play with her cats and enjoy life without being constantly pestered to do something she doesn't want to do anymore.
> 
> There is an alternative to consider. What if the HD has their hormones suppressed? With either sex, as age progresses the hormone production naturally decreases. If both partners end up with low or no desire, maybe that is an inexpensive way to arrive at a happy end of life? Instead of fruitless striving to bring the LD person up, what if the HD person comes down?
> 
> I assume if for health reasons a wife must forgo or stop HRT, with consequent disappearance of any sexual interest, the husband may need to get his T suppressed to avoid destroying the marriage?


This is assuming that sexual desire is ONLY physical...but it's NOT. I have sought and wanted sex with no physical desire driving me, only the emotional desire to connect with my partner and to enjoy the emotional pleasure of touching and having (and giving) physical pleasure.

Besides, I REFUSE to be in any monogamous relationship where I have to consider strangling and starving my true, essential self. I wouldn't allow my partner to invalidate any other part of ME, my personality, so why would I ever consider allowing that with my sexual self...??


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> I used anti-depressants to "delete" my libido. It did work, but I became a zombie... so I stopped and accepted the duty sex. At least it was good... which infuriates you even more, but this a completely different story...


I'm so glad you didn't continue with that -- you need to be your REAL self, and handle and move forward from the fallout of that...from YOUR Truth. And create a new reality for yourself, where you are wanted and embraced for being YOU.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Rus47 said:


> I am not sure your age, but would assume there are other meds without unwelcome side effects? For example, at our age (mid 70s) both wife and I without HRT would have low hormone levels and probably reduced libido. Being female, hers could probably disappear, and she might become more interested in cats than having sex with this old man. With a testosterone depressing med like is used to treat prostate cancer victims, mine could also disappear. The issue hasn't arrived for us ( yet ), but could imagine that happening if wife is told to discontinue HRT for health reasons. I would also stop T injections. And, if necessary get other meds. No way am I going to blow up our long marriage this near the end of our lives just because I am hornier than she is.


I'm 58. Yes, of course there are other meds, but I don't need to suppress my libido right now, because we don't have sex and we are living separate lives. At the time, the anti-depressants helped me overcome the anxiety and depression linked to the situation. I became a zombie, so I stopped after a couple of years. Depression was gone, things got better with my wife (regular pattern of duty sex established)... Mid-70s? I would stay put.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> I'm so glad you didn't continue with that -- you need to be your REAL self, and handle and move forward from the fallout of that...from YOUR Truth. And create a new reality for yourself, where you are wanted and embraced for being YOU.


A slight detour but what is "YOU"? We are controlled by chemistry. As wife n I talk about when we met "The hormones were raging" in her words. As the body chemistry changes our very personality changes. So which is "real" us? The 20 year old DTF 24/7 or the 45 year old entering menopause or the 85 year old petting the cat?

Or the 75 year-olds on HRT DTF 24/7?


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> The trouble is that @FloridaGuy1 doesn't want duty sex, as far as I can remember. But that's what he is going to get if his wife decides to increase the frequency for his sake. Unfortunately, it's a total mismatch and there is no solution. Keep going like this, ask for an open marriage or divorce. At least he is getting some sex. Let's wait until his wife decides she's had enough of that nonsense... I guess that will be the time when FloridaGuy will be finally free from this torture.
> 
> EDIT: also, I can see that @FloridaGuy1 is getting vanilla sex, so that makes it even more unbearable. At least, in my sad love story, despite being duty sex, I was getting involved and "enthusiastic" sex. And that makes a big difference.


Abesntia is 100% correct. Its always duty sex or pretty lame on her part. Never used to be but has become that way over the past years.

As she has no apparent interest in changing, my only option is to leave. Which as I have said before is depressing due to the financial impact and preventing me from ever being able to retire if I go through with it. I have been working 35+ years so am ready to stop and enjoy life outside of the job.

I think I mentioned in a previous thread I have started to lose interest in sex as a result of her lack of interest. I think its more like @LisaDiane mentioned that its not just the physical apsect but the mental one of having someone want you sexually.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Which as I have said before is depressing due to the financial impact and preventing me from ever being able to retire if I go through with it.


This is the reason I'm not divorcing my wife. We are separated and do our own thing. At nearly sixty, I'm not interested in another relationship, but I still have one child at uni. We also remortgaged the 2 houses so many times that there is still a big chunk to repay. If we sell, I won't have enough to buy a decent property and the rents are crazy around here. So, I would go from a 8 bedroom combined property to a little 1 bedroom flat. Not very appealing. The houses are big enough for the 2 of us.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I think I mentioned in a previous thread I have started to lose interest in sex as a result of her lack of interest. I think its more like @LisaDiane mentioned that its not just the physical apsect but the mental one of having someone want you sexually.


This is very hard. At least my wife has mental issues, so I can blame those...


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Abesntia is 100% correct. Its always duty sex or pretty lame on her part. Never used to be but has become that way over the past years.
> 
> As she has no apparent interest in changing, my only option is to leave. Which as I have said before is depressing due to the financial impact and preventing me from ever being able to retire if I go through with it. I have been working 35+ years so am ready to stop and enjoy life outside of the job.
> 
> *I think I mentioned in a previous thread I have started to lose interest in sex as a result of her lack of interes*t. I think its more like @LisaDiane mentioned that its not just the physical apsect but the mental one of having someone want you sexually.


So, as you continue to age and begin enjoying life away from a job, it is possible that your drive will decrease enough that the desire to leave disappears. You and your wife can sail into life's sunset. Sometimes the devil we know isn't as bad as the one we don't.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

ccpowerslave said:


> It has been over a year now for me and everything still good. So at least for now mine is successfully resolved to where I no longer think about it.
> 
> It does seem to be rare. Most people seemingly aren’t willing or able to do what I did, which is sort of exactly follow the blueprint from the books and you also maybe have to be lucky.


The point to take away from you, and others, is that to even be 'lucky', the first thing one has to embrace is a willingness to change themselves. Nothing happens until that first happens.

The problem with that is most are unwilling or unable to do that one rather simple (yet not easy) step.

Most people arrive at this site with the expectation of some magic bullet that will change their partners, while they themselves do little to nothing different. 

It doesn't work that way.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Rus47 said:


> So, as you continue to age and begin enjoying life away from a job, it is possible that your drive will decrease enough that the desire to leave disappears. You and your wife can sail into life's sunset. Sometimes the devil we know isn't as bad as the one we don't.


Maybe, but there is still the hurt... your needs were ignored, you feel rejected as a man and not loved. These feelings don't go away with your libido.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

farsidejunky said:


> The problem with that is most are unwilling or unable to do that one rather simple (yet not easy) step.


This is true. It’s not easy to look at yourself and see if you are part or all of the problem, why, and then have a plan to change and then also be able to execute it.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> This is true. It’s not easy to look at yourself and see if you are part or all of the problem, why, and then have a plan to change and then also be able to execute it.


I can tell you from my experience the issue of how much sex and the quality of sex you have in a marriage is much easier to take care of before it becomes a problem. Our sex life really wasn't on the rocks, but I could sense it going in a direction I didn't like. I started looking for answers to problems before they truly became problems. I think it has been much easier to change direction sooner rather than later. I think there can be a point of no return when it comes to sex with marriages.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

ccpowerslave said:


> This is true. It’s not easy to look at yourself and see if you are part or all of the problem, why, and then have a plan to change and then also be able to execute it.


Truth. It is far easier to plant ones ass in the victim chair and complain about how their spouse won't change...as they themselves remain firmly seated. 

ETA: I have heard luck defined as the point when preparation meets opportunity. Self improvement greatly increases ones preparedness, and often time creates opportunity. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I can tell you from my experience the issue of how much sex and the quality of sex you have in a marriage is much easier to take care of before it becomes a problem. Our sex life really wasn't on the rocks, but I could sense it going in a direction I didn't like. I started looking for answers to problems before they truly became problems. I think it has been much easier to change direction sooner rather than later. I think there can be a point of no return when it comes to sex with marriages.


Probably. Mine had been on life support for many years. Not actually dead by clinical standards but not great.

It took me a long time, I mean I first noticed it was slowing down around 7 years and thought welp it’s a cliche for a reason. I thought somehow the degradation is normal and certainly there are plenty of people willing to tell you that.

“It’s natural as people have been together and grow older.” You can read or watch a million variations of the same thing, mostly written by women but with some white knight beta types thrown in.

Once you have the realization that actually there are women (maybe not your wife) who are DTF then at least for me I was like well what the **** is she doing? When your mind wraps around the idea of, I can just leave her and probably be on a date within a day or two and the only cost is half of everything I have, and you are ok with that; well…

You try to become as desirable as possible because either way it’s going to help you and then she either finds you more desirable and wants to have sex anyway, has sex because she doesn’t want you to blow things up, or let’s you walk. Either of these outcomes is different from what was happening before.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ccpowerslave said:


> You try to become as desirable as possible because


You started doing things you didn't like doing at all to please your wife and you still agreed - to this day - to go to poo island...  I not having a go at you... I just wish my situation was similar. But it wasn't.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Maybe, but there is still the hurt... your needs were ignored, you feel rejected as a man and not loved. These feelings don't go away with your libido.


Over a lifetime, there are numerous hurts, disappointments, and regrets that arrive. We all have them to a greater or lesser degree and manage to survive. Feeling ignored, rejected and not loved ( by parents, siblings, "friends", and/or a spouse ) is rather common part of the human condition, and dwelling on it accomplishes nothing. We can't make another accept, love, or desire us.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Why put a lot of time, energy and effort into a marriage when your partner doesn’t give a damn?
Marriage takes two. If you don’t have that then the marriage is just a meaningless piece of paper.
Life is short. Wasting on some who doesn’t care is folly.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Rus47 said:


> We can't make another accept, love, or desire us.


Not, but since our spouse apparently did that once, it hurts and you dwell on the reasons. It's not as easy as that. Of course, you need to accept it and move on. But it takes time, especially after a long marriage.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Why put a lot of time, energy and effort into a marriage when your partner doesn’t give a damn?
> Marriage takes two. If you don’t have that then the marriage is just a meaningless piece of paper.
> Life is short. Wasting on some who doesn’t care is folly.


Yes it does take two, but sometimes it takes one to kick things off and get it moving in the right direction. If you are a good leader your spouse will follow, if not then you may have to make the tough choice to move on.

My wife is in it as much as I am, she just didn't notice the decline in our sex life. Once I pointed it out and made it clear that it is a very important part of our relationship she was ready to work on it with me. She was hesitant to admit their was an issue at first, but I was able to make her see it. In our case she had some medical issues to address, and that was good for her for more than sex, just general quality of life. Combine that with putting focus on the importance of sex in a marriage and the results were amazing.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> Not, but since our spouse apparently did that once, it hurts and you dwell on the reasons. It's not as easy as that. Of course, you need to accept it and move on. But it takes time, especially after a long marriage.


This is definitely a major component that I think people overlook or take at a very surface level.

As a couple you were meeting each other’s needs enough to get married. So at one point it was working.

Either or both people may have changed. Physical changes are generally easy to see. Mental changes are not.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Yes it does take two, but sometimes it takes one to kick things off and get it moving in the right direction. If you are a good leader your spouse will follow, if not then you may have to make the tough choice to move on.
> 
> My wife is in it as much as I am, she just didn't notice the decline in our sex life. Once I pointed it out and made it clear that it is a very important part of our relationship she was ready to work on it with me. She was hesitant to admit their was an issue at first, but I was able to make her see it.


Got it. Nice quick short term communication/solution. Most aren’t.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> She was hesitant to admit their was an issue at first, but I was able to make her see it.


In my case when I brought it up my wife wasn’t surprised at all and she agreed it was bad right off the bat.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Yes it does take two, but sometimes it takes one to kick things off and get it moving in the right direction. If you are a good leader your spouse will follow, if not then you may have to make the tough choice to move on.
> 
> My wife is in it as much as I am, she just didn't notice the decline in our sex life. Once I pointed it out and made it clear that it is a very important part of our relationship she was ready to work on it with me. She was hesitant to admit their was an issue at first, but I was able to make her see it. In our case she had some medical issues to address, and that was good for her for more than sex, just general quality of life. Combine that with putting focus on the importance of sex in a marriage and the results were amazing.


I think the difficult part is when one partner doesn't think its a problem and doesn't want to address it. Then the problem cannot be solved.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

farsidejunky said:


> ETA: I have heard luck defined as the point when preparation meets opportunity. Self improvement greatly increases ones preparedness, and often time creates opportunity.


Quite true. When I look back at every big "lucky" event in my life I find that the reality is I had done something in advance that set up that lucky event. In all cases I had done some form of self improvement without any specific knowledge of what it could do for me.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I think the difficult part is when one partner doesn't think its a problem and doesn't want to address it. Then the problem cannot be solved.


That's is where the leadership aspect comes in. You have a vision for what your marriage should look like, including sex. You have to lead your two person team towards that vision. Your wife may be a difficult case, but I believe there is some formula of words and actions that would inspire her to follow you.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I think the difficult part is when one partner doesn't think its a problem and doesn't want to address it. Then the problem cannot be solved.


The other difficult part is when your partner knows there is a problem but he/she seems to unable to solve it, for whatever reason. I've said it many times, and I'm sure farsidejunky will disagree... if you managed to turn your marriage around, your issue wasn't that big.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> The other difficult part is when your partner knows there is a problem but he/she seems to unable to solve it, for whatever reason. I've said it many times, and I'm sure farsidejunky will disagree... if you managed to turn your marriage around, your issue wasn't that big.


There are things like mental health issues that can make finding a solution almost impossible.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> …if you managed to turn your marriage around, your issue wasn't that big.


This is probably right.

Let’s say your partner hates you or is repulsed by you. Well, sex ain’t going to be happening; at least not any that someone would want other than a mentally ill depraved person.

Once they decide they’d rather have you leave than fix it, stick a fork in it because it’s done.

The question then is there a continuum between everything is great and that point or is it more discrete? I think that largely depends on the people and there are probably some cases where it’s almost binary like a light switch.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I think the difficult part is when one partner doesn't think its a problem and doesn't want to address it. Then the problem cannot be solved.


It may eventually get to that point. 

BUT...

There is no influencing change in your partner without first implementing change in yourself. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> The other difficult part is when your partner knows there is a problem but he/she seems to unable to solve it, for whatever reason. I've said it many times, and I'm sure farsidejunky will disagree... if you managed to turn your marriage around, your issue wasn't that big.


Maybe. My problems sure felt big. But maybe my perspective is limited by not having truly large problems. 

That said, even then one has options. One just has to have the stones to exercise them. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

farsidejunky said:


> That said, even then one has options. One just has to have the stones to exercise them.


It probably also helps if you’re impulsive.

I will make potentially stupid large decisions in a short amount of time and execute on them with full commitment.

It has served me well up to now and I see no reason to change it. 

My wife knows this and what I am capable of so she knew when I said either we get this sorted or that’s it, I wasn’t playing around and I already had my finger on the trigger with the clock running.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> The other difficult part is when your partner knows there is a problem but he/she seems to unable to solve it, for whatever reason. I've said it many times, and I'm sure farsidejunky will disagree... if you managed to turn your marriage around, your issue wasn't that big.


Well in my case my wife I believe has issues that arose from her previous long term marriage that apparenlty she has never gotten over? So no matter what I do, I can't seem to overcome those multiple decades of what her ex did to her. I think she did a good job of hiding those from me for a few years but now they have come out and she won't address them.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

farsidejunky said:


> Maybe. My problems sure felt big. But maybe my perspective is limited by not having truly large problems.
> 
> That said, even then one has options. One just has to have the stones to exercise them.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


I agree. Sadly my only option now is to leave.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

ccpowerslave said:


> It probably also helps if you’re impulsive.
> 
> I will make potentially stupid large decisions in a short amount of time and execute on them with full commitment.
> 
> ...


This is the key. One thing I’ve learned over time is people need to know where you stand. If they know that then you don’t have to put up with unnecessary ********. Makes life simpler and easier.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Marc878 said:


> This is the key. One thing I’ve learned over time is people need to know where you stand. If they know that then you don’t have to put up with unnecessary ******. Makes life simpler and easier.


I guess if nothing else the lesson for any younger guys reading this is you should be VERY upfront with your potential wife about what you expect and maybe even write it down and let her know that if that is not met, the marriage is over.

I guess women could do that too?

ETA: And I mean BEFORE you say "I do"


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I agree. Sadly my only option now is to leave.


Have you told your wife that things must change or you are leaving, and really meant it?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I agree. Sadly my only option now is to leave.


Some people can change, some won’t or they’ll just do it short term and revert back. It’s totally up to you what you accept or not.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I guess if nothing else the lesson for any younger guys reading this is you should be VERY upfront with your potential wife about what you expect and maybe even write it down and let her know that if that is not met, the marriage is over.
> 
> I guess women could do that too?
> 
> ETA: And I mean BEFORE you say "I do"


Yep, this issue is not gender specific at all.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I guess if nothing else the lesson for any younger guys reading this is you should be VERY upfront with your potential wife about what you expect and maybe even write it down and let her know that if that is not met, the marriage is over.
> 
> I guess women could do that too?
> 
> ETA: And I mean BEFORE you say "I do"


I think the problem there is you’re not even aware of these matters at that age. I know I wasn’t. In the lead up to getting married I had zero complaints with any of that and saw no reason why it would change. It was never a thought that even registered.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

[


ccpowerslave said:


> I think the problem there is you’re not even aware of these matters at that age. I know I wasn’t. In the lead up to getting married I had zero complaints with any of that and saw no reason why it would change. It was never a thought that even registered.


Yeach maybe we only learn that after a few marriages?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Have you told your wife that things must change or you are leaving, and really meant it?


I did that... I got good duty sex twice a month.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> [
> 
> Yeach maybe we only learn that after a few marriages?


I dunno but I was thinking about that time today and I remember when my girlfriend was staying over at my studio apartment we both had rug burns on our asses from screwing repeatedly on the carpet. At that point I didn’t foresee a future that was dried out like the Sahara.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ccpowerslave said:


> I think the problem there is you’re not even aware of these matters at that age. I know I wasn’t. In the lead up to getting married I had zero complaints with any of that and saw no reason why it would change. It was never a thought that even registered.


Yep... ours first 15 years were great. Then got gradually worse. If you are very compatible at the beginning, you think it's never going to change...I was 22.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> Yep... ours first 15 years were great. Then got gradually worse. If you are very compatible at the beginning, you think it's never going to change...I was 22.


It was even that way with the wife now...when we were dating it was hot...now a few years later, not so much.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> It was even that way with the wife now...when we were dating it was hot...now a few years later, not so mauch.


sounds familiar... unfortunately, I was very naive and blinded by her beauty, but I'm grateful for the years of bliss I've had. That said, the last 15 have been very miserable. Trying to find a balance here, but I can't, really. Pain is stronger than the good memories.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> sounds familiar... unfortunately, I was very naive and blinded by her beauty, but I'm grateful for the years of bliss I've had. That said, the last 15 have been very miserable. Trying to find a balance here, but I can't, really. Pain is stronger than the good memories.


I know what you mean.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Why put a lot of time, energy and effort into a marriage when your partner doesn’t give a damn?
> Marriage takes two. If you don’t have that then the marriage is just a meaningless piece of paper.
> Life is short. Wasting on some who doesn’t care is folly.


The exit cost is the barrier. Losing more than half assets and maybe access to children is a huge exit cost to pay for the *possibility* of a better situation after the dust has settled and the bones have been picked clean. Inertia is understandable, especially later in life. Its why so many BS do the pick me dance forever and eat the poo sandwich for years. Its why people tolerate what from outside seems intolerable.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> The exit cost is the barrier. Losing more than half assets and maybe access to children is a huge exit cost to pay for the *possibility* of a better situation after the dust has settled and the bones have been picked clean. Inertia is understandable, especially later in life. Its why so many BS do the pick me dance forever and eat the poo sandwich for years. Its why people tolerate what from outside seems intolerable.


Floridaguy raises hand...Yep thats me unfortunately


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Rus47 said:


> The exit cost is the barrier. Losing more than half assets and maybe access to children is a huge exit cost to pay for the *possibility* of a better situation after the dust has settled and the bones have been picked clean. Inertia is understandable, especially later in life. Its why so many BS do the pick me dance forever and eat the poo sandwich for years. Its why people tolerate what from outside seems intolerable.


I’m sure that’s part of it for some but some are codependent and have fear of the unknown. A lot of People will do anything to not make a decision.

There’s a cost of staying too.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I think some people just have not much interest in sex. Just today I made a sexual comment to the wife and she said "Wow, do you think about sex every day?" and I responded "I sure do!" She said she can go weeks without even thinking about it. I told her I knew that as thats why we go weeks without having it.
> 
> She said most women she knows are like that and don't think about it much. I told her thats why there are so many unhappy husbands out there.


She is wrong.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> Not, but since our spouse apparently did that once, it hurts and you dwell on the reasons. It's not as easy as that. Of course, you need to accept it and move on. But it takes time, especially after a long marriage.


 ten years isn’t time...... time is another excuse for inaction. It takes time to get over it. It doesn’t take time to take action. Just sayin.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> ten years isn’t time...... time is another excuse for inaction. It takes time to get over it. It doesn’t take time to take action. Just sayin.


I do like the blanket statements, especially about time and action... it's my favourite... maybe I should have picked you as my therapist...


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