# Evil stepson or paranoia?



## Biscuits

Stepson is 8. I married his mother a year ago, and he has caused a LOT of problems for my wife and I. 

His father and my wife were never married, he proposed, she declined, they broke up about 2 months after my stepson was born. He (baby daddy) has physically assaulted my wife, her mother, her grandmother, her sister, and 1 one my wife's ex boyfriends by walking up behind him and smashing a bottle over his head. He has tried to get my wife arrested by planting drugs in her car, "anonymous" tip to my wifes sisters employer that she was stealing, and he tried to get me arrested by calling the child abuse hotline on me. 
Ok, not bashing my stepsons father, but the problem is, his dad has NEVER had a job, family is chronic welfare abusers. My stepson has told me that his bedroom DOESNT HAVE A FLOOR...its just dirt, he isnt taken care of at his fathers house (they drink, do drugs, fight in front of my stepson).
But, my stepson loves his father, with all his heart. I feel that my stepsons dad is telling him things that cause problems in my marriage. My stepson lies constantly about me. I refuse to be in the same room alone with him because he told his school teacher I beat him with a spiked belt and choked him (assuming he was sticking up for his dad who "anonymously" reported me.) Its to the point where he will come up to me and hug me in front of his mother, and of course she does the "awwww", and then he'll tell his grandma I push, hit, punch, choke, slap him, break his toys, wont let him eat. Its disgusting. My wife gets mad at me when I refuse to touch him, or be alone with him, but im seriously affraid he will say I molested him or something else to get me arrested...like he has before. He ran away from school, because he was afraid of a big scary guy with a beard that "sneaks into his room at night with a knife". What does he look like?, his reply was "like (my name)". He steals from me, cries everytime i tell him no, or correct him. He has told me he hated me about 5 times in the last 2 days, in front of his mother, and she wont back me up. Probably because the more I stand my ground the more defiant he becomes...i mean, its bad. I have never even seen a kid come close to the sheer rage driven defiance this kid shows toward me. anyway, i cant punish him because if i do, he cries, and then im considered a bully. so, what in the world do i do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Demand that your wife PUT THIS BOY IN COUNSELING IMMEDIATELY

or

You are MOVING OUT OF THE MARITAL HOME. 

Sounds extreme, but so is being falsely arrested on child molestation charges (which will NEVER disappear). Your relationship (the three of you) will continue to deteriorate until your wife acknowledges there is a problem, addresses it properly, sees it through to resolution.

Why has baby-daddy NEVER been arrested for any of the assaults?
If he HAS been arrested, why do his accusations carry any weight?
Have you/your wife looked into Parental Alienation Syndrome (it's illegal).
If baby-daddy HAS an arrest record for violence, why is child allowed to 'live' with him at all?
Why hasn't child welfare been called out on the unsafe/unsanitary living conditions at baby daddy's house?
If it turns out sonny is lying about the conditions at baby daddy's house, even MORE reason to get him into counseling NOW.

Buy a voice-activated recorder; have it on you AT ALL TIMES.


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## Biscuits

I have suggested counseling, she refuses to take him because she is affraid they will just medicate him, or make him feel like he has social or behaviorial problems.

As far as his father, he has a record, DFS has been to his house, its freaking nasty but they deemed it "inhabitable and not dangerous". 

I understand that probably 60% of the push back I'm getting is because of what my stepson's father is telling him. But I feel if I can slowly chip away at the other 40% then I'll eventually have a respectful, courteous, and managable stepson with whom I can have a relationship with. Right now though, he HATES me and makes it obvious. The frustrating thing about it is how far the family will go to make him happy even when he is exherting very bad socially unacceptable behavior. I mean, sitting at the dinner table in his boxers, after I asked him to put on at least a shirt for supper, eating mashed potatoes with his hands after I ask him repeatedly to use a utensil, looking at me and like moaning or singing while hes doing it, and after he gets upset enough to run away from the table yelling at me how much he hates me. His mom amd grandma just look at me and say stuff like, "how much does it hurt you for him to eat with his hands?"..."who is he hurting if he doesnt have clothes on?"
My reply is always the same; would he act that way in school, would he act that way in church, would that be acceptable on a job interview, what if i were sitting at the dinner table in just boxers with my genitals showing? 

I'M not even going to start on what happened when I tried to get him to say "excuse me" when he would ask his mom for something when we were in the middle of a conversation...you would have thought I had killed his imaginery puppy...oh the drama.

I just want to know what I can do to teach this boy proper manners. I'm not super strict, the boy has free reign in the house, he will change the tv to a show of his choice when I'm watching something and then sit there and play his iPod games and then scream at me if I ask him to change it back.

Do I just forsake the protection from his mother and push the discipline on him regardless? I think thats what Iwill do in the future because I do not want a pre-teen who acts the way he does. Any advice will help me please!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thoreau

Leave, or you WILL end up in jail.


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## 3Xnocharm

I agree with Thoreau. It would be different if his mother was supportive of you and was proactive in stopping his hideous behavior. Instead she has buried her head in the sand and wont even get the boy any help, which he OBVIOUSLY desperately needs. Good parent know when their children need help and WANT to get it for them. She is disrespecting you by allowing him to behave this way. In the meantime, you need to detach from him. Stop trying to teach him anything or guide him, stop doing any parenting with him whatsoever, and let his mother deal with him. It would very much be in his best interest to STOP spending time with his "father" also, I cannot believe she allows this.

I wish there was more hopeful advice to give here, but her refusal to make any changes ties your hands. Either she steps up with him, or you are going to need to leave.


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## pb76no

I agree with 3x & SGW. You can't address the issues with your step-son. Your issue is with your W - his mother. She must take responsibility for his actions & his behavior. You can only support her in that effort. You cannot lead the effort.

If she is unwilling, you have no hope for success. Very tough spot.


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## richie33

I don't blame you for being standoffish toward this boy. But the problem is the mother. She is sending mixed messages.
He should be in counseling. If it doesn't change you will be subject to this for many more years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StargateFan

Is your wife related to to the Honey Boo Boo clan. Sounds like it. 

Can you really be a party to raising a child like this ? I am referring to the table manners example. I am sure there is more.

I hate to suggest you abandon your family, it will surely cause the boy more pain. You seem to be an intelligent person and write well, I can't imagine the same of your wife. Sorry to be so blunt but I don't think you belong there.

Edit: ok dude, I just read some of your backstory. She cheated on you with this scumbag ex and you have a new baby. You are hosed. Get out now, move far away and send your checks in a timely manner. 

However, I suspect if you have not done so already you never will. Until you are in jail at least. Then who do you think your wife will run to? 

Good luck. I hope you do not dig yourself deeper into this hole.


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## curlysue321

Disengage. Completely ignore the child and leave the parenting up to his mother. He is not your child and it is not your fault how he turns out. If you are going to be living in this situation you have to learn to let it go.


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## StargateFan

curlysue321 said:


> Disengage. Completely ignore the child and leave the parenting up to his mother. He is not your child and it is not your fault how he turns out. If you are going to be living in this situation you have to learn to let it go.


I don't think that will work out very well. You can't just disengage with people you live with, especially a child. They will not let you. 

That is a time bomb.


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## EleGirl

How long have you been married?

You are not his father and thus have no business disciplining him. Get a book or two on step parenting and read. Get your wife to read them. You and your wife need to go to counseling.


> I have suggested counseling, she refuses to take him because she is affraid they will just medicate him, or make him feel like he has social or behaviorial problems.


Surely she knows that he does have social and behavioral problems. 

You need to get out of that house. You are not going to tame this kid. Unfortunately this is not Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn. You cannot turn him over your knee or take him out to the wood shed and show him that there are consequences to this type of behavior. If you so much as put a hand on him to hold him still he can get you arrested for abuse. 

Why do you want to stay with a woman who cannot even be a decent mother? If you have children with her, you will have this same problem with your own children. And their older half-brother will be teaching them how to act out, do drugs, and all the other things your wife’s ex exposes his son to.

Again, you need to get out.


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## Biscuits

Well, I approached my wife about how I feel. I told her I was uncomfortable with how her son treats me, and offended that she protects his actions rather than correct them.

Her reply;"if you were'nt a jerk all the time they (both her kids) would'nt hate you".
So I asked her what I should do when my step-son yells at me and tells me he hates me..."don't discipline him and he won't yell at you"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Time to move on. Sorry. It will NEVER improve. And you WILL end up in jail.


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## Biscuits

yeah, there are a lot of things im just having a hard time dealing with, cheating, stealing, lying...TRYING TO GET ME ARRESTED...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

He's just doing WHAT HE WAS TAUGHT. How can he do any differently if his dad's family teaches him to be this way, it's all he hears from them, and then his mom buys his act?


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## 3Xnocharm

Biscuits said:


> Well, I approached my wife about how I feel. I told her I was uncomfortable with how her son treats me, and offended that she protects his actions rather than correct them.
> 
> Her reply;"if you were'nt a jerk all the time they (both her kids) would'nt hate you".
> So I asked her what I should do when my step-son yells at me and tells me he hates me..."don't discipline him and he won't yell at you"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ugh. Dude. You are screwed here. Do yourself a favor and get out. She is going to have to live with her son after he figures out that he completely controls her life, and I forsee nothing but misery ahead. How sad for you, I am really sorry.


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## Shiksa

Tell us how jail goes, cause that's where you are headed if you stay.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Please cut your losses before you end up with


an std
another child by this screwed-up woman
a permanent record as a child abuser


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## Tigger

I usually don't say this but really it's only been a year being married to her, cut your losses and get out.

I can assure you that your wife is more like her ex than you think she is.

You are being made the bad guy in this situation and you will be the one going to jail for it.


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## tacoma

Biscuits said:


> Stepson is 8. I married his mother a year ago, and he has caused a LOT of problems for my wife and I.
> 
> His father and my wife were never married, he proposed, she declined, they broke up about 2 months after my stepson was born. He (baby daddy) has physically assaulted my wife, her mother, her grandmother, her sister, and 1 one my wife's ex boyfriends by walking up behind him and smashing a bottle over his head. He has tried to get my wife arrested by planting drugs in her car, "anonymous" tip to my wifes sisters employer that she was stealing, and he tried to get me arrested by calling the child abuse hotline on me.
> Ok, not bashing my stepsons father, but the problem is, his dad has NEVER had a job, family is chronic welfare abusers. My stepson has told me that his bedroom DOESNT HAVE A FLOOR...its just dirt, he isnt taken care of at his fathers house (they drink, do drugs, fight in front of my stepson).
> But, my stepson loves his father, with all his heart. I feel that my stepsons dad is telling him things that cause problems in my marriage. My stepson lies constantly about me. I refuse to be in the same room alone with him because he told his school teacher I beat him with a spiked belt and choked him (assuming he was sticking up for his dad who "anonymously" reported me.) Its to the point where he will come up to me and hug me in front of his mother, and of course she does the "awwww", and then he'll tell his grandma I push, hit, punch, choke, slap him, break his toys, wont let him eat. Its disgusting. My wife gets mad at me when I refuse to touch him, or be alone with him, but im seriously affraid he will say I molested him or something else to get me arrested...like he has before. He ran away from school, because he was afraid of a big scary guy with a beard that "sneaks into his room at night with a knife". What does he look like?, his reply was "like (my name)". He steals from me, cries everytime i tell him no, or correct him. He has told me he hated me about 5 times in the last 2 days, in front of his mother, and she wont back me up. Probably because the more I stand my ground the more defiant he becomes...i mean, its bad. I have never even seen a kid come close to the sheer rage driven defiance this kid shows toward me. anyway, i cant punish him because if i do, he cries, and then im considered a bully. so, what in the world do i do?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You have to leave and quickly.

You've been left no other option.

This will get uglier than you can possibly imagine.


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## tacoma

StargateFan said:


> I don't think that will work out very well. You can't just disengage with people you live with, especially a child. They will not let you.


I`ve done it for 13 years.

It's the only reason I`m still married.

StepTogether - Terms of Use


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## StargateFan

tacoma said:


> I`ve done it for 13 years.
> 
> It's the only reason I`m still married.
> 
> StepTogether - Terms of Use


I read that, very interesting. Why would you do that rather than leave? How can you afford to throw clothes, Nintendo, coats, etc in the trash ? The other spouse is not always around to handle the requests. 

So what happens to the kid that does not make it to school? He is just in your hair all day ? "I need a snack. " "ask your dad". "He is at work". "To bad, so sad". :scratchhead:

I could be wrong, but I don't see that working for very long. There must be more to it that that.

I am do not have a blended family, but did have an evil stepmother. She was evil because she was selfish, hot tempered, and had no sense of proportion regarding discipline. Would have been great if she had disengaged. 

I might be missing something here, but instill do not believe this will work for the OP. At least until he is in jail. Talk about disengagement.


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## tacoma

StargateFan said:


> I read that, very interesting. Why would you do that rather than leave?


Because I had an infant daughter I wanted in my life.
Because I couldn't leave that infant daughter to be raised as her half brothers were.
Now she`s a teen and the best objective evidence that I made the right choice.
I also had a very good understanding of why my normally sensible wife was/is an irrational fool on this subject



> How can you afford to throw clothes, Nintendo, coats, etc in the trash ? The other spouse is not always around to handle the requests.


I didn't do any of that once disengaged.



> So what happens to the kid that does not make it to school? He is just in your hair all day ? "I need a snack. " "ask your dad". "He is at work". "To bad, so sad". :scratchhead:


I work all day so no one was in my hair.
Disengaging does not mean completely ignoring a child.
It simply means you make no claims to disciplining or structuring their lives.



> I could be wrong, but I don't see that working for very long. There must be more to it that that.


Maybe there is but I know it worked for me so far.
Both my stepkids are grown.



> I might be missing something here, but instill do not believe this will work for the OP. At least until he is in jail. Talk about disengagement.


I don`t believe it will work for the OP either because he's in a situation where he holds zero respect in the household.
He's nothing but a paycheck.

The OP will end up with serious legal/financial troubles if he doesn't get the hell out and now. 
However it doesn't look like he's going to get out so I figured I'd give him his only other possible option.


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## KathyBatesel

Biscuits said:


> Well, I approached my wife about how I feel. I told her I was uncomfortable with how her son treats me, and offended that she protects his actions rather than correct them.
> 
> Her reply;"if you were'nt a jerk all the time they (both her kids) would'nt hate you".
> So I asked her what I should do when my step-son yells at me and tells me he hates me..."don't discipline him and he won't yell at you"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Reread your own post again...and again... and again. 

She is teaching the children that you're a jerk. She is abusive toward you, too. She is letting the children control your household. 

This is not a typical case of parental alienation syndrome. With PAS, the children are usually fine with targeted parent as long as the non-targeting parent isn't around. Here, you're being targeted by both the present adult AND the absentee parent. 

I'm with the others. You could easily end up in a jail cell. 

Run. Run fast. Take your biological child with you. If you're able, you might even want to consider relocating to another state, because this will literally affect the rest of your life EVEN if you get away now, but talk to an attorney before you leave if you do decide to leave the state to make sure you aren't violating any kidnap laws. Your situation is bad and there won't be any easy or simple solutions.


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## Biscuits

Thanks for the info everyone. I especially like the info on detachment or disengaging, whichever its termed, I believe this is the appropriate technique that I'll use. A little back info, on top of everything I'm going through with the reconciliation, or lack of, I have found that it has been easier for my wife to let the kids have their way, and then take it out on me. I also believe that the kids have seen her treat all/most of the men in her life (and therefore the kid's lives) this way. I am beginning to recognize patterns in her actions, especially after an emotional episode between her son and I, or when her son gets in trouble at school. She'll literally brush off whatever her son has done, and come at me for.......not saying "I love you", or not asking her how her day went, or not doing something she hasn't asked me to (that I am not usually required to do). 

Ok, so here is where I stand. We discussed my thoughts about my step-son. I want to say though that up until this point I have stood my ground against his outbursts, each more and more outrageous. I realized recently that when my wife's grandmother was bathing my step-son, I overheard him telling her just ridicolous stuff. He almost got me arrested, and I expected her to at least tell him not to say lies against me, but she did no such thing. He just went on and on about all this crazy stuff...she just kept saying..."oh yeah", "oh thats terrible", "oh hes a bad man"...

Anyway, I'm officially disengaged. I won't so much as talk to the kids unless it's to praise them for something they do well. I have a meeting with a lawyer soon, we'll go from there. Divorce is on the horizon and I should get custody rather easily. 

Thank you all for your input.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

I don't usually push people to divorce, but I can honestly see no other alternative here. You know, if you do leave her, and she really wants you, THEN you can show her a path out of her dysfunction - intense therapy, for at least a year, before you'd consider taking her back.


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