# Sexually active with husband while he was having an EA? Questions!



## lostlindsey (Jan 6, 2012)

ok especially the guys-- is it possible for u to have an EA or even a friend that is known to ur spouse that u like alot and not think about her while ur having sex with ur wife? i know women can fantasize because i am one. but my husband (who must think i'm stupid) says men are more in the moment and they don't do that. but i just don't see that being true. any insights? because i can forgive an EA but if that man used my body for three weeks and thought of her then i will leave him and with a friggin smile on my face.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

IMO ALL affairs are damaging. BUT a EA IMO is far worse because you are sharing the heart and feelings.

Do you know for sure he wasn't having a PA as well?


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## lostlindsey (Jan 6, 2012)

I'm pretty sure it didn't become physical but that doesn't mean it wouldn't have. I think that the OW would have to just say the word and it would have been.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

lostlindsey said:


> I'm pretty sure it didn't become physical but that doesn't mean it wouldn't have. I think that the OW would have to just say the word and it would have been.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sorry this has happened. What is your plan at this point?


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Your H is gas lighting you. Look up the definition. Men can fantasize as much as women (even in the moment). 

Remember I how I sent you the excerpt regarding Hypergamy and Polygamy? I think its easier for men to compartmentalize as a result of the natural tendency, but it's total BS that a man can't fantasize about another woman while having sex with his spouse / significant other.


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## lostlindsey (Jan 6, 2012)

Try and forgive? He stopped the minute I found been treating me like a queen since. Just his comment about men not fantasizing during sex and expecting me to believe it has me wondering if he wasn't just befriending another woman but also thinking of her while we were having sex because if that is the case I might not be able to forgive. I'm pretty vain in that area which I kno will make it impossible to forgive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

He can tell you all day long he didn't or couldn't think of her while having sex with you, but you really do not know that for sure. I doubt that something he would admit to, it was probably bad enough for him that you know about the EA, surely he wouldn't try to incriminate himself further.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

LL: I think it might be a benefit to you (although you are a woman) to read "Married Mens Sex Life Primer". It will help you understand the ins and outs of men and women's biology and the nature of our relationships, so you can understand your man and yourself. 

You sound like an intelligent woman and an avid reader - so it would be to your benefit to learn more. Believe it or not - you will learn more about the dynamics with yourself and your husband.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

This will help you decide also what to do in your relationship. Forgive your man? That's up to you. In my mind, mercy is extended when justice has been rendered. 

Make sure justice doesn't take a back seat. Otherwise, its called rugsweeping.

Also remember, you can't control what he does, only what you do. He can't control your ability to fantasize any more than you can control his ability to fantasize. You have to be adults about this (read up to understand) and take it from there.

Good luck!


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## lostlindsey (Jan 6, 2012)

Like I said I'm real vain in the sex dept. So if ur saying that odds are he did probably think of her than my attitude is he can f-in have her! I can do better than that. And he knows it which is why I kno he'll never admit anything which is just gonna keep me wondering for god knows how long and I don't have the energy for it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

lostlindsey said:


> Like I said I'm real vain in the sex dept. So if ur saying that odds are he did probably think of her than my attitude is he can f-in have her! I can do better than that. And he knows it which is why I kno he'll never admit anything which is just gonna keep me wondering for god knows how long and I don't have the energy for it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not saying for sure one way or the other, I'm just saying you will never really know what truly goes on inside of his head while he is having sex with you. Also I was saying its less likely he would confess such a thing to you anyway, especially if he was in caught up in the middle of an affair to begin with.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

I can understand where you are coming from, but the same time - this gives me pause. 

You are indeed married to this man? And to leave over something like this, to me, is a bit premature. 

This is why I recommend you read the book before doing anything else and ponder it and see how it fits with your husband.

You'll learn some things that you might find difficult to believe, but once you've reflected on it, they will make sense from a base level. Then act from knowledge, as opposed to the opposite.

I can't give you odds that he did or didn't think of her while having sex with you. That would be unfair to both of you. I'm just saying that even with an EA, there's no guarantee one way or the other.

There's no guarantee that you haven't yourself fantasized in the past or the future about someone else. 

I wouldn't make your leaving about the fantasizing. Its a weak reason.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

You also need to think what happens with a future man (if you left your H for this reason) - how can you prevent it from happening with someone else? Odds can be reliably given that you will begin a relationship and/or marry someone with similar traits as your present husband.


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## lostlindsey (Jan 6, 2012)

Oh I've fantasized but it's more like a role play thing and he's aware of it! I'm being a baby about this I kno just wanted him to be all mine from beginning to end and it sucks that I have to give up that dream. Like he said I'm yours now so I guess that should be enough. I will definitely read that. Could use all the insight I can get. Thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Yea - its not a vanity thing - its an insecurity. And the book I am asking you to read is for men to help them understand that security is what women are all about. So, he can take actions that will improve your perception of security.


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## lostlindsey (Jan 6, 2012)

If I did end up leaving. I'd probably never marry again. I feel like if he couldn't be trusted that no one can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Funny thing is, it was written for us insecure men.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Your line of reasoning mimics that of my wife's.


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## lostlindsey (Jan 6, 2012)

Should I try and get him to read it with me. I say "try" because he hates to read and I think has a slight case of ADD if I was to read it to him. But I could "try"!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Wouldn't hurt. Its written in plain, easy to understand language with no really big psychobabble words. The author (Atholk) is also a member of this forum. 

Give him an "incentive" to read it with you.


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## Wantsmore (Sep 13, 2011)

Ok, here we go again. Its the mans fault, his mind wandered while ****ing his wife. OMG, you tell me one woman who doesnt think of another man ****ing her while in bed with her husband.

Being vein about? Seriously? If you told your husband I love having sex with you but the whole time I am Imagining being ****ed by my co worker who is so hot. How do you think he would feel? 

I can not get over the hypocrisy on this site. 

I have a question for you. Why does your husband think he has to have and emotional affair in the first place? My guess is look in the mirror. He is not getting something he needs from you.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Wake up on the wrong side of the bed, wantsmore?


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I agree, the unfortunate thing is you will just never really know. he can't prove it, nor can you prove otherwise. 

fwiw, I may be highly abnormal but I am 47 yrs old and have never fantasized about a different woman while having sex. that's not even an emotional thing; there's just too much uniqueness to every woman that is worth enjoying; guess I'm an "in-the-moment" guy... 

Don't make him read anything he doesn't want to; he won't get anything out of it by reading against his will... maybe offer up the cliff's notes version as you work on improved communications... like Dadof3 says, maybe offer up some "incentive" even to just listen(which btw should probably not include you telling him you that are thinking of other men...) 

Good luck to you.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

This is just me, but If I were going to leave a man over something like this, it would be because of the EA not because I was wondering if he was thinking of another while having sex with me. 

EA or PA are deal breakers for me. I know they are not for everyone, just saying they are for me. Also I read your other thread about hime giving up porn for the EA. My suggestion if you both are willing to work things out, I would get into some MC ASAP.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

I wasn't going to chime in but what the heck. I am the same as 2xloser. I don't think I have ever thought about someone else while with a particular woman.

In fact I was in nearly an EA and on the rare occasion I could be with my wife, still didn't think of the OW.


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## lostlindsey (Jan 6, 2012)

ok i never said i fantasized about other men while i was with my husband. my brain isn't capable, my senses aren't numb to the feel of HIS body. and most obviously I'm not blind i do things with my eyes open. i said i fantasized like dream about a hot actor something less in my control than his EA which i assume he was awake for. as for the role playing that's too private to get into but it's always me and him just different versions. And Calalily I always thought I'd be the same but I am weaker than I thought i guess because even though it's hard to get over it's not hard to stay because i would miss him.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

people think of all sorts of things while in the sack. 

Once, I even thought about the grocery list. :rofl: I'm not proud.

Lately, my fantasy has been about someone watching us. A friend of Hubs'. Would I tell him? Ew, no. It's a FANTASY and not everything has to be divulged to a spouse.

Who knows if Hubs thinks of other women while with me. I've never asked. The sex is good and plentiful, so why should I care? But we have sex with eyes open...he watches me and looks at me...


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## SoCalHubby (Jan 7, 2012)

IMO the sexual fantasy stuff isn't the main issue. The main issue is the EA and more importantly the problems in the marriage which led to it. Your intense reaction to the fantasy issue speaks to underlying insecurity and resentment. Maybe you guys need some counseling? Just a thought. Hope things work out for you. By the way, I posted a response to another thread about fantasies which offers a very different take. I'm not saying your take is wrong, but you might want to consider a different approach which gives your spouse a bit more mental freedom (but this requires trust, which is probably an issue for you)...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostlindsey (Jan 6, 2012)

we had big no problems. i've asked him if there were some i wasn't aware of and he said no. just started texting a customer about her next tattoo she was friendly, they started a friendship he chose to hide that fact and her name under an alias in his phone. started texting her more than me. started asking for pics. i saw a few and she was clothed in all of them although a little scantily in one. i don't care about fantasies. i really really don't. i care if he is imagining her while he's with me because she was his EA! also i've seen posts suggesting i may be insecure about sex and that is not the case. i know i'm good at it. that's probably why he never wasted his time cheating physically. as far as resentment-- yeah there's alot of that but i'm cognizant of it and really trying to work past it. this site has helped so much.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

SoCalHubby said:


> IMO the sexual fantasy stuff isn't the main issue. The main issue is the EA and more importantly the problems in the marriage which led to it.


This! :iagree:


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## SoCalHubby (Jan 7, 2012)

I get it. Does he admit to being sneaky or dishonest? Does he understand that his behavior was wrong? Did he apologize? Have you asked him why he did it (the EA)?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostlindsey (Jan 6, 2012)

Yes he was very apologetic. Very remorseful. But as for problems. We had none. I had none and he says he had none. Which can't be true. I don't think he's clear on why he did it. Other than he had drawn her up some wings and started talking about that and then it just went on from there. I've checked our phone log and he never called just texted but it was extreme texting. Talking 100 texts a day sometimes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SoCalHubby (Jan 7, 2012)

Okay, so he feels bad and has apologized. I think you need to decide whether or not you want to forgive him and move forward. Obsessing about his mental state (fantasies) during those three weeks is NOT going to help you move forward. Here's a question you could ask which I think will be more helpful: "what can we do to repair trust and attachment within our marriage?" I'm sure there are other questions and issues, but that's a good place to start..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I think for me the real issue would not be whether he was thinking about her or not, but whether *I* noticed if he was thinking about her and what that says about my sexual communication. Usually I could tell when my stbxh was off in lala land or had been in touch with his gf or others or even watching pornography. The times I might not have picked up on it, I guess it makes me feel sleazy. But at those times I guess I just really wanted the sexual release and decided I didn't care, did it for me and thought about who I wanted to. :-o

Anyway, I'll bet that's what is eating at you. If he was and you didn't notice it. So sit down (or lay down) and go over those times in your head (replay them, whatever, play by play) and see if you can remember what you were thinking about during those three weeks. My other bet is that you will remember that you had some doubts about the way he was connecting to you. Once you find those doubts and acknowledge them, and also acknowledge your over-ride of them due to your own physical needs, I'll also bet you'll feel a lot better.

Just because you went along doesn't mean you didn't know, at some level. And there's no law that says you have to hold up a giant stop sign and deprive yourself of what was rightfully yours to have in your own marriage, regardless of who else was laying claim. Don't be so passive about it! It's not always just the woman who gets used at times like these. A woman can know a man is cheating and just continue to get some until she knows for sure. I mean, hey, why not? If you married him, there must be some sexual compatability going on. Sometimes it doesn't matter where his brain is as long as you can take a ride :-o I am gender neutral in this issue. If it was the woman who was having the EA, I'd say the same thing to the guy.


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## lostlindsey (Jan 6, 2012)

The only way he disconnected during that time was when he was at work and I honestly just figured he was busy. I'd really have to think about the disconnection with sex though I kno it wasn't obvious. But over all everyone is right. I need to open myself to really forgiving rather than just saying I am knowing that I want to be stubborn cuz I'm p*ssed. But it's a waste time because in the end I do love him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TallJeff (Nov 1, 2011)

Lindsey, I can only speak for myself:

I have a VERY active fantasy life including masturbation multiple times a day. Those 'scenes' usually involve female friends, friend's wives, old GFs, neighbors, etc.

And I can say that although I've thought of others thousands of times while masturbating, NEVER have I thought of anyone but my wife during sex.

So Yes, I am very much 'in the moment'.


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## SoCalHubby (Jan 7, 2012)

Here's another angle...
If you can really trust him and have faith in your marriage, give him permission to fantasize about this other woman, even while f*****g you. I realize this is a radical idea, and maybe it won't work for you and many others.. My wife encourages me to explore my urges and fantasies during sex, not all the time but occasionally, for the sake of variety and fun, but this is in the context of a loving marriage w devotion and trust. I admit this isn't for everyone..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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