# spice it up



## tattoomommy (Aug 14, 2009)

how did everyone spice up their sex lives when the fires died???


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This is a game that works amazingly well - but like all things that are really fun it requires a bit of discipline. It goes like this. You both strip down to just bra/panties or in his case boxers. One of you lies on the bed. The other gives a sensual massage - only a few rules. You cannot touch breasts or genitals. Inner thighs and butt are fair game. The massage is "timed" - usually 60 minutes. When the person on the bed says "mercy" because they are really hot and want you - you stop - now this is a choice thing. You can play/morning evening or next day. But this is the deal - when they say "stop" you don't have sex, you either wait until that night or until the next day and then repeat. The "second" time they say mercy - then you have sex. 

At some point you have a choice to make. And this is true for every couple in the world. There is a quantity/quality tradeoff regarding sex after the first few years. Like for me - at the age of 46 - if we did it every day at best it would be a 5 on a 10 scale. But what we actually do is we tease each other a bit every day, but we only connect twice a week - and when we do, for me it is a 10. The game I mentioned is sure to "amplify" your pleasure regardless of what you normally do/like sexually. I am not suggesting that any specific frequency will be good for you. 

Maybe this is just how I feel mid-forties. But I like caressing, hugging, touching, playing with my wife when I "want" her. I want to "want" her. The other cool thing is that it is really ok if you get to the end of the massage without hearing mercy. Maybe you need to play 2-3 days in a row for your partner to get "hot". And that is ok as long as they are nice about it. Like my wife is way nice about it when she isn't feeling it. Niceness goes a LONG way when two people have mismatched desire levels. It sucks to be the person with the higher drive since sometimes you feel rejected. Well at least I do - but not if she is nice about it.


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## Not Me Oh (Apr 20, 2009)

MEM - that's exactly how I feel about the "nice" thing. The Mrs and I had a long talk last night and I think some things sunk in for her as I described the book Passionate Marriage. One of the things she said was that I get mad when she doesn't want sex. I told her that if she is truly tired or feeling sick (pregnancy is here), then I'd be a total a*hole to get mad....BUT...if I ask for sex and she comes back angry/aggressive ("Why do you have everything wrapped up in sex????" something it turns out is a way to shut me up even if she doesnt realize that's what it is) then I will respond with aggression. I also made it clear to my wife that she often sabotages any chance for quality sex because she puts things off until the end of her night...maybe hoping to avoid sex all together but also postponing until I am actually way overdue for bed.

Wish I knew how to spice things up...we tried something like that massage technique with certain parts off limits but didn't have any agreement to have a night later in the week where sex was on the table...I'll have to try that combo


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Lets be very clear on one point. It is CRUEL to play this game unless you absolutely plan to have sex with your partner within a day or two. I have an unusually strong view of this but it is simple. If your partner cannot get you to want them after a day or two of this type game, they have earned you pleasing them anyway - just because they have made a sincere effort, been patient and because they are your spouse and horny or not you VOWED to love them - and in a marriage that includes a reasonable amount of sex if they want it. 

In my house - we have a house rule. And we follow it. If you are not "sick/injured" and you get asked for sex, you can either say yes or say I will rock your world tomorrow - and then tomorrow you do some world rockin. The response of "no" is not allowed. No is a mean thing to say to the most important person in the world to you. And I have a loose definition of "sick/injured". When one of our children is hateful to wife during the day and I can see how upset she is that night - "that" counts as injured. And I would never ask for sex in that situation. I simply offer comfort. I go out of my way to be a little extra helpful, a little more gentle, I banter with her a little to see if I can get her to smile or laugh. And if she feels guilty about not being in the mood for sex - and it has been a few days and she is "guessing" I want her - I simply "Lie like a champion". I grin and say baby I really do want you, but I ate something bad today, or "I pulled a muscle in my thigh today", or something. I have a never ending list of reasons why "I" can't do it either. And I am close to dead certain she knows I am lying and is greatful I make the effort so she doesn't feel bad. 







Not Me Oh said:


> MEM - that's exactly how I feel about the "nice" thing. The Mrs and I had a long talk last night and I think some things sunk in for her as I described the book Passionate Marriage. One of the things she said was that I get mad when she doesn't want sex. I told her that if she is truly tired or feeling sick (pregnancy is here), then I'd be a total a*hole to get mad....BUT...if I ask for sex and she comes back angry/aggressive ("Why do you have everything wrapped up in sex????" something it turns out is a way to shut me up even if she doesnt realize that's what it is) then I will respond with aggression. I also made it clear to my wife that she often sabotages any chance for quality sex because she puts things off until the end of her night...maybe hoping to avoid sex all together but also postponing until I am actually way overdue for bed.
> 
> Wish I knew how to spice things up...we tried something like that massage technique with certain parts off limits but didn't have any agreement to have a night later in the week where sex was on the table...I'll have to try that combo


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I go with niceness too... as it'll go a long way. My husband is very nice to me. He makes me feel loved and special and therfore I tolerate all the things about him that I'm not crazy about and will sometimes have sex with him.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

MEM11363 said:


> And if she feels guilty about not being in the mood for sex - and it has been a few days and she is "guessing" I want her - I simply "Lie like a champion". I grin and say baby I really do want you, but I ate something bad today, or "I pulled a muscle in my thigh today", or something. I have a never ending list of reasons why "I" can't do it either. And I am close to dead certain she knows I am lying and is greatful I make the effort so she doesn't feel bad.



OMG!! 

You could make millions teaching this to husbands everywhere!! What I wouldn't give.... Outline a class, teach seminars, but please share...teach...guide!

<faint>


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

MsStacy said:


> OMG!!
> 
> You could make millions teaching this to husbands everywhere!! What I wouldn't give.... Outline a class, teach seminars, but please share...teach...guide!
> 
> <faint>


Ms Stacy,
I am really interested if you think this approach (details below) is "fair" to the woman. I am happy with it, my wife says she is, just curious what a third party thinks. 


This type of interaction only works if it is - symmetrical. Meaning my wife is as committed to not hurting my feelings as I am to not hurting hers. We have a fairly common situation and I think a somewhat uncommon solution. What is common is that we have a high drive spouse and a low drive spouse. I am high drive - we have been married 20 years - are both 46 and are each others "highest" priority. Actually the 3 kids are her highest priority - which is as it should be. She is my highest priority and the kids are number 2. 

Sexually we have I think a somewhat atypical, and very nice arrangement. If it was totally up to her, we would have sex 3 times a month. Totally up to me - 15 times a month/every other day. The compromise is twice a week which is a happy middle ground for both of us. But there are a few key ground rules here that we are both really, really good about. 

First is that rejection is mean. Saying I am "not in the mood" is different then rejecting someone. For us, the rule is when asked for sex (regardless who is asking me or her) you can either day:
- Yes or
- I will rock your world tomorrow - and then tomorrow you follow through 

My wife is like most women in a long term relationships. She has 3 types of modes:
1. In the mood wants to (this is nice the 3 or so nights a month it happens)
2. Not "in the mood" to start but capable of being aroused by my patient loving touch - hands, lips and tongue
3. Not fully arousable - just can't get over the finish line that night no matter what. These nights are what most guys would call "mercy sex" - she makes it great for me - but I know that it is just for me

So when do you think I feel the most loved. Number 3 is the "most" followed by number 2. Why? Because 3 and 2 are choices, she is choosing to love me, to focus on me, to make me happy. Just like I focus on her and what she wants on a regular basis. It is easy to have sex with your spouse when you are aroused. Anyone can do that. Very different matter to consciously decide - I am going to love my spouse because they deserve my love even though my body is going to take a while to warm up. 

I am not religious - but I go to church every Sunday rain or shine, tired - I suck it up, headache - I take an asprin. I dress nicer then she and the kids do because I want her to know that I am going with a generous spirit - and want to set a good example for the kids. 

So we have some simple rules of engagement - but before I get into those I just want to point a few things out. As the "high drive" spouse I did a few things from the beginning that are maybe a little different then most guys. 
1. We talked about this. I told her - I know I have a much higher drive then you do, so I need you to teach me how to get you in the mood when you start out not aroused. And she did. I said teach me by "doing it" to me. Give me a massage the way you want me to start out massaging you. Kiss me the way you want me to kiss you. And then simple basic stuff I always shower just before bed - she buys the soap. I always brush my teeth just before bed. I avoid any foods that have aftertaste issues she doesn't like. And yes she does the same. 
2. I also make the effort to stay in shape. Sorry but if you are the higher drive spouse, don't create physical reasons for turning your spouse off like letting yourself go. That makes no sense. I love my wife way, way more then a carton of Ho Hos. And I know she likes muscle so I make the effort to have it. 
3. I am sensitive to behavioral things that turn her on/and turn her off. Try to do more of the former and less of the latter. I remember the first time I said something - that I still say once in a while. We had been married almost 10 years - wife was "out of commission" that night and I had just gotten back from being away on a trip for a week. She said "I am sorry we aren't making love tonight". I looked at her and said "I am always making love to you baby". And I know how that makes her feel inside - but it only works because it is true. 
4. I am aggressive with her - in a playful way. I use the muscle between my ears to banter and tease her and make her laugh. The shoulder and arm muscles are used to be physically dominant in a way that is not violent - but is firm enough to trip some deeply buried wiring inside that creates heat. 
5. I am not whiny or "needy" but I do make requests. But I ONLY make requests when I have good reason to believe there is nothing problematic happening. So I might smile at her after dinner and say "I want you". That is it. Honest direct statement. And usually she just says - I am yours. But I rarely push beyond our compromise frequency because it is just as selfish to push a loving spouse for too much sex as it is to deny your loving spouse enough sex for them to feel delighted with you. But if my wife started making excuses - by the way - I am tired is a valid excuse for one night - but if someone really is so tired that it is preventing sex with the most important person in their world, then they should goes to bed early enough tonight so they are NOT tired tomorrow. Claiming "too tired" regularly is deceitful and is usually a symptom of some type of sexual aversion.
6. Because my wife is so cool about making sure I am happy with our sex life, if I sense that anything is "off" with her, I mask all desire because I don't want her to feel bad. Just like she does not make me feel like a loser the nights she gives me mercy sex. 

I do think guys should take a course in "how to keep it interesting" before they get married. I would guess that a lot of guys don't realize that when a woman sees her man as strong she is turned on, when she sees him as "weak" she is turned off. And so the tightrope the man walks can best be described as this:
- If he tries to "get his way" half the time or more, his wife will just think he is a very difficult, aggravating person and they will have a LOT of conflict which will kill their sex life.
- If he simply strives to avoid conflict because he wants at all costs to avoid her getting angry at him, then she perceives him as weak and over time her body tells her to STOP mating with him. 
- If however he can carve out a healthy area - maybe it is 10 percent - for us we call it my 5 percent - of topics where he is not reasonable, not rational, not movable. This is his "live free or die" stuff - and if he can assert himself in a hard, if needed harsh (but never violent with wife/kids) manner on those topics then she will find him to be worthy of respect but not infuriatingly argumentative.


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## CarolineMRF (Sep 2, 2009)

As a man ages it is very important for the woman to become more bold...Men start to show signs of slowing down...It is at this time that she must convince him that he is still a hot stud...Keep him alive....Make love to him...Become daring like the days of old...I figure this way...All those years he was after me...Now it is my turn to go after him....


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

CarolineMRF said:


> As a man ages it is very important for the woman to become more bold...Men start to show signs of slowing down...It is at this time that she must convince him that he is still a hot stud...Keep him alive....Make love to him...Become daring like the days of old...I figure this way...All those years he was after me...Now it is my turn to go after him....


:iagree: (but of course im a man)


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## CarolineMRF (Sep 2, 2009)

okeydokie said:


> :iagree: (but of course im a man)


As a marriages ages the people within it must not let themselves age...They must retain all the love and passion of their yesterdays...This is up to the woman more than the man...He is the one that will struggle over the years with his new found impotency...This is a fact of life, yet it can be helped by his partner/wife....He need not have this "achilles heel" when he is helped along by a wise woman using her tools of love....Some things medical may hinder this, but suggestive ways and hot movements before mating can be hotter than 10 pills...When you make a man feel young, he can act young....

Caroline


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