# Cheating wife left for the OM



## GYRE (Aug 12, 2016)

My wife and I have been seperated for 4 months now. I haven't had any contact with her for 5 weeks . We were together for 12 years and married for 7. I found out she cheated on me, and while for a few days she showed extreme remorse, she ended up moving out and asking for a divorce. I tried reconciliation for a few weeks, but found out she was still seeing the OM at the time. She treated me with no respect and as if I had no value. 

My wife is 37 years old, and the OM is 24. What the ****??? He is a ****ing security guard…. I truly loved my wife and never once cheated on her. My wife and I had ups and downs in our marriage. As I think every mature normal couple do. At the time of the affair, we were having some problems, but I asked my wife if she needed anything from me, or was unhappy, and she said no. A month later I find out she is cheating on me and has been for a couple months.

Where is the justice in this world that I am the one who is heartbroken and having huge difficulties moving on. Why should she get to be happy and act as though she were in her twenties again? To go from a relationship with me to this other man she seems to be so head over heels for. She acts as though this were the first and only man she ever loved, as if she has found her one true soulmate. How can you forget about 12 years so completely and utterly so quickly?? 

How can you write off a person you have known for so long and so intimately without the merest glimpse of regret?? How can you “fall in love” so quickly, after your marriage bed has barely had time to cool. I’m so angry,sad, upset with the whole unfairness of it all. Why am I the one who has to suffer because of her betrayal? People say to take care of yourself, and that it is for the best, but it sure doesn’t ****ing feel like that. I want my wife back, **** it hurts and sucks so much. I don't know if I should contact her, or just keep going no contact. I have a lot of her things (winter clothes etc.) and don't know what to say or do, or not say when I expect she will contact me about them. Any insights or advice is really appreciated.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

[QUOTE"]
How can you write off a person you have known for so long and so intimately without the merest glimpse of regret?? How can you “fall in love” so quickly, after your marriage bed has barely had time to cool. I’m so angry,sad, upset with the whole unfairness of it all. Why am I the one who has to suffer because of her betrayal? People say to take care of yourself, and that it is for the best, but it sure doesn’t ****ing feel like that. I want my wife back, **** it hurts and sucks so much. I don't know if I should contact her, or just keep going no contact. I have a lot of her things (winter clothes etc.) and don't know what to say or do, or not say when I expect she will contact me about them. Any insights or advice is really appreciated.[/FONT][/SIZE][/QUOTE]

All the "How Comes" are answered simply.

She is selfish. She is not a principled person. She threw you and your marriage away for a younger dude. This is a midlife crisis [MLC] action and couger action.

Do the "180" and let her go. Go dark, no contact. Let her see you be happy. Believe me, you do not want this petty turncoat back.

Sorry you are here.


----------



## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

It is probably not any consolation to you, but you will see how happy she is living with a 24 year old guy making probably close to minimum wage after a few months.

You bigger problem is what are you going vto do when she comes crawling back. 

So use this time to detach and make sure you do not become Plan B with open arms.

And to be honest, it does not matter WHY she did this at this point. It might matter if there was reconciliation on the horizon.

She did it repeatedly becauser she wanted to and liked it. That is all you need to know. Now give her this divorce she wants while she is in happy land and the terms might favor you.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I'm sorry man. Your right there is no justice in this world. It's hard to face because we have been taught by movies and media that the good guy always wins. It doesn't always happen and all you have to do is read some history or watch the news to reinforce that right? Hopefully there will be some justice in the next one. I like to think that people will one day have to experience the pain they caused others when they get there. That helps keep me sane. But then I remember I will have to experience the pain I caused as well. That helps keep me trying to be good. 

OK so now that we got that out of the way the good news is there is still hope. Not with this woman most likely but with someone else. You are doing the right thing by not calling not exposing yourself to her crazy. If you have access to her family tell them what happened and ask them to come get her stuff. That will give you some payback because everyone will see what a awful mess she has made of her life, and you can get away from her as much as possible. I would also get in touch with a lawyer. Give her a quick no-fault divorce since she is "in love" and maybe you would loose as much money. I know it is hard but you can do this. At least she is not stringing you along. The sooner you start to move away from her the sooner you can move on to happiness. 

Again your life is not over, most, if not ALL people move on from where you are and have very happy lives. You will too. One more thing your wife is most likely going to regret shaking up with her security guard bf when the euphoria of it all wears off. By that time you want to be in the position to laugh and her, and just be sad at the destruction she caused to her life. Do not take her back and allow yourself to live in a inferior marriage. There is better out there. 

Chin up man, be strong. Hit the gym (good for depression and also gives you daily goals you can achieve and daily successes to be happy about.) Hang out with friends and family. Post on here if you need to. You are at war now with your own sadness.


----------



## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

My guess is the OP won't like the diagnosis given by the members here to let his unremorseful, cheating wife go, so he'll post the same story on other sites until somebody comes along to show him how to beg his wife to come back.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

If you truly love her as you say, then let her go.

Do not try to beg here to come back. Do not contact her at all. She has shown you what she thinks of you and what she wants.

File for divorce. Pack her stuff into boxes. Move all boxes into a storage unit. Pay one months rent. Then send her the key telling her where to pick up her belongings.


----------



## GYRE (Aug 12, 2016)

@becareful2, easy man, I'm just looking for some perspectives on what I'm going through. I'm too close to the problem to really see it clearly, in my opinion. Where I live you have to wait a year to get divorced, so getting a quick divorce isn't an option. The money has been split evenly, actually I had some money she didn't know about, so I came out the better. All our stuff has been split, and there is a seperation agreement signed by both of us saying we will not go after the other person for money etc, in the future. The money the guy makes isn't a problem to her, she makes OK money and it isn't that important to her. I've told her parents, and they side with me, but they live in Korea and aren't able to get her stuff. 

I guess what I'm hoping to hear is that one day she'll regret her decision, not so much that she'll come back to me as plan b. I won't and couldn't live with someone who shows me no respect. I'm just trying to make sense of what the **** happened to my life. I am trying to get a life, I'm moving to another city, going to Europe next week to see a friend and party like I'm single again, but I still am having trouble letting go of all the feelings I had. Some days it's ok, but others not so much.


----------



## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

GYRE said:


> My wife and I have been seperated for 4 months now. I haven't had any contact with her for 5 weeks . We were together for 12 years and married for 7. I found out she cheated on me, and while for a few days she showed extreme remorse, she ended up moving out and asking for a divorce. I tried reconciliation for a few weeks, but found out she was still seeing the OM at the time. She treated me with no respect and as if I had no value.
> 
> My wife is 37 years old, and the OM is 24. What the ****??? He is a ****ing security guard…. I truly loved my wife and never once cheated on her. My wife and I had ups and downs in our marriage. As I think every mature normal couple do. At the time of the affair, we were having some problems, but I asked my wife if she needed anything from me, or was unhappy, and she said no. A month later I find out she is cheating on me and has been for a couple months.
> 
> ...


I will help you with the love part as this is often the most baffling thing to the betrayed.

Don't confuse GIVING love or DOING loving things and FEELING love.

The feelings of "love" are internal. They are your mind creating chemicals that feel good and make you want more.

Many people confuse a relationship with love, although love is very helpful in maintaining one.

A good example would be someone who falls IN LOVE with their life doll. No reciprocation is required.

In a good relationship, the INTENSE love feelings in a relationship diminish and are supplemented with a bond, trust and feelings of safety. It takes a person to be vulnerable and trust completely for this to be successful.

Some people are incapable of being vulnerable and are unable to nurture the things that maintain a long relationship. Our modern society's highly sexualised and romantic version of marriage doesn't help. 

Your wife found her diminished INTENSE feelings toward you unbearable. it's as simple as that.

You on the other hand grew in the marriage and found happiness in your bond. I will admit it is probably easier for a man to do because sex to us is often just sex, rather than an intense romantic love. Sex doesn't change much, but the intense love associated with it can reduce.

So, that's why she was able to abandon you. Because of her insecurities, she found it unbearable NOT to feel intense love and everything is society tells her that is right. She may also have many insecurities that may need feeding with personal approval that would make this desire to find "love" even more intense.

I wouldn't have said this years ago, but if she isn't on her knees begging for R and is doing everything she possibly can, she is gone.

File for D. There is no incentive for her to return.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

The "why" is simple. She did it because she wanted to do it. She is totally selfish and it is ALL about what she wants. Don't waste your time trying to discover some reason "why" that makes sense to you.

Eventually you will get over feelings for her and be happy that you dodged that bullet.


----------



## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

I also used to think Plan B was able to become plan A again. Not possible.
Plan B more accurately means that YOU will be her TEMPORARY provider of personal approval and attention (KIBBLES), sex and internal love chemicals in the event that Plan A does not work out and she seeks another plan A.
Plan B never becomes Plan A again and that you need to understand.
In her mind, Plan B can never restore the INTENSE feelings again that she so desires.


----------



## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

TDSC60 said:


> The "why" is simple. She did it because she wanted to do it. She is totally selfish and it is ALL about what she wants. Don't waste your time trying to discover some reason "why" that makes sense to you.
> 
> Eventually you will get over feelings for her and be happy that you dodged that bullet.


Yes, but it helps to know roughly how someone can do this to you for you to be able to move on and trust again.

Until I understood this, I wasn't unable to be told to move on, file for D or enact 180 properly. I just hung onto a glimmer of hope, which I later understood simply didn't exist.

The very reason she cheated is the same reason she isn't capable or isn't willing to come back and R.

In fact after 3 years I struggling to see any situation where R is possible after affair. They exist here, but I can't imagine what sort of person that would be. Perhaps if it was done in retaliation for something or out of anger? I don't know but if my woman cheats even once, she's out the door, D the next day. I stand up for myself now.


----------



## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Not all people enter marriage for love as far as I can tell. Some enter for security, some to fit in with their other married friends, some because they think it's the natural next step in adult life without having any real personal desire, some for morbid curiosity, and so on. As they get older their outlook changes and they see no reason to stay married. Unfortunately their capricious behaviour is at your expense.

That's why it's so important to take a good look at people before marriage. Usually the most important "test drive" for many is the sexual one without a deep inspection into the potential's character. See who they were before they met you. History often repeats itself. (Which is why I could never agree with the Past-Doesn't-Matter crowd.)

OP, I'm asking myself who your wife was before this disaster. Anyway, try your utmost — even when you don't feel like it — to get happy with yourself again. This sucks but it isn't the end, even if it feels like it. Work out, don't spend to much time alone, get some interesting hobby. Make this one of those what-doesn't-kill-you-only-makes-you-stronger moments.


----------



## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

GYRE said:


> @becareful2, easy man, I'm just looking for some perspectives on what I'm going through. I'm too close to the problem to really see it clearly, in my opinion. Where I live you have to wait a year to get divorced, so getting a quick divorce isn't an option. The money has been split evenly, actually I had some money she didn't know about, so I came out the better. All our stuff has been split, and there is a seperation agreement signed by both of us saying we will not go after the other person for money etc, in the future. The money the guy makes isn't a problem to her, she makes OK money and it isn't that important to her. I've told her parents, and they side with me, but they live in Korea and aren't able to get her stuff.
> 
> I guess what I'm hoping to hear is that one day she'll regret her decision, not so much that she'll come back to me as plan b. I won't and couldn't live with someone who shows me no respect. I'm just trying to make sense of what the **** happened to my life. I am trying to get a life, I'm moving to another city, going to Europe next week to see a friend and party like I'm single again, but I still am having trouble letting go of all the feelings I had. Some days it's ok, but others not so much.


Good, the fact that you responded tells us you're not one of those post-and-run type. You'll be surprised how many come here and make one post asking for help only to never return again.

Some WS (wayward spouse) do show regret, while others don't, and even if they do, would they open up and express their vulnerability to you? Do you have any children or have to worry about alimony or child support?

What was the 12 year marriage like? Most use the "we had our ups and downs like all marriages do" but that really doesn't adequately describe the problem leading up to the affair. Her cheating is 100% on her but sometimes there are extenuating circumstances leading up to it. For example, some spouses deprive their significant other of emotional and physical intimacy. My asking these questions isn't to help you win her back but to possibly understand your marriage dynamic.


----------



## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

EunuchMonk said:


> That's why it's so important to take a good look at people before marriage. Usually the most important "test drive" for many is the sexual one without a deep inspection into the potential's character. See who they were before they met you. History often repeats itself. (Which is why I could never agree with the Past-Doesn't-Matter crowd.)


This is a great point. The partner's past do matter.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

GYRE said:


> @becareful2, easy man, I'm just looking for some perspectives on what I'm going through. I'm too close to the problem to really see it clearly, in my opinion. Where I live you have to wait a year to get divorced, so getting a quick divorce isn't an option. The money has been split evenly, actually I had some money she didn't know about, so I came out the better. All our stuff has been split, and there is a seperation agreement signed by both of us saying we will not go after the other person for money etc, in the future. The money the guy makes isn't a problem to her, she makes OK money and it isn't that important to her. I've told her parents, and they side with me, but they live in Korea and aren't able to get her stuff.
> 
> I guess what I'm hoping to hear is that one day she'll regret her decision, not so much that she'll come back to me as plan b. I won't and couldn't live with someone who shows me no respect. I'm just trying to make sense of what the **** happened to my life. I am trying to get a life, I'm moving to another city, going to Europe next week to see a friend and party like I'm single again, but I still am having trouble letting go of all the feelings I had. Some days it's ok, but others not so much.


Man you are going to be fine, you got this. Get in good shape, make as much money as you can. I assume your are close to your wife's age right? This is a guys prime. 

Anyway even if she doesn't regret it I bet Mr. Security guard will, at the very least when he is 44 and she is 57. He is 24 how long do you think it going to last? You wife is a fool, she will figure it out. He got to bang a cougar and another man's wife. I bet she was just a trophy. 

DON'T TAKE HER BACK! Let her move back to Korea or whatever. 

And not sure if you did this or not but the next SO don't treat her like some magical Angel. Every guy who does that ends up on here burned. It's like the wife gets spoiled or something. Just treat her like any other human being. There are great woman out there who want to be partners with you not magical goddesses.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

poida said:


> Your wife found her diminished INTENSE feelings toward you unbearable. it's as simple as that.



I agree with most of what you said but I would like to add that some people mistake lust for love. That is why we have the saying love at first sight. Which if you believe that love has to grow and involves some of the long term "doing of love" that you talked about make love at first sight silly. 

Today's media also preaches this love at first sight stuff. It is very possible that OP's wife has bought this garbage. She may not have found it unbearable to be with OP she just thought the intensity of the lust was more enticing. 

Silly people love shiny new things. She wouldn't be the first. This seems to be a woman's midlife crises MO.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Here OP, here is some justice porn. It happened to this guy 2 years later I think and he handled it like a champ. Don't post on there though because they will try to convince you to join their zombie marriage club.


----------



## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

sokillme said:


> I agree with most of what you said but I would like to add that some people mistake lust for love. That is why we have the saying love at first sight. Which if you believe that love has to grow and involves some of the long term "doing of love" that you talked about make love at first sight silly.
> 
> Today's media also preaches this love at first sight stuff. It is very possible that OP's wife has bought this garbage. *She may not have found it unbearable* to be with OP she just thought the intensity of the lust was more enticing.
> 
> Silly people love shiny new things. She wouldn't be the first. This seems to be a woman's midlife crises MO.


For the vast majority of people it isn't unbearable or even close.

I'm suggesting this woman is one of the few with strong (often hidden) insecurities that can only feel good about themselves when they live in the love fantasy and fed a constant stream of approval.

The very dire need for these feelings to overcome their insecurities makes their marriage so unbearable when they don't feel that way.

This is why a lot of men can't understand how things changed so quickly in their marriage and why their wife left so fast.

The fact is, it was never a healthy marriage in the first place and it was always only a matter of time before the ticking time bomb went off in their wive's head.


----------



## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

sokillme said:


> I agree with most of what you said but I would like to add that some people mistake lust for love. That is why we have the saying love at first sight. Which if you believe that love has to grow and involves some of the long term "doing of love" that you talked about make love at first sight silly.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Like x 3
Listen to what everyone is telling you...you will be ok. 
Take the gym advice as having goals to meet and achieve. Work completely on you. Get to a place where when she comes back (and she will) you can tell her exactly where to go. You don't deserve to be second choice. Ever. 


Sent from my iPhone


----------



## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

GYRE

There is no easy answer to how to get over it, but time is usually the best healer. If you read here or another forum, as bad as it is right now, you will eventually realize how LUCKY ( I know that is a bad choice of words now) that you are coming out of this NOT crippled financially.
There are many BH who go through this and wind up living in a one room apartment while the WW winds up in the house.
You are also not getting dragged through the wonderful world of mind boggling attorney fees that never end. So, yes, this is really crappy but it could be worse.

And the biggest thing you can do for yourself is to stop the "pain shopping". There is no logical reason "why" that matters now, and you torturing yourself for it will prolong your healing. You have made the correct decision to not be Plan B should she come crashing back to earth, but remember that happens, and she may be making a decent salary and claim to not care about money but just wait and see when the "excitement" wears off.

And lastly, no matter what she did, her family will eventually side with her. Blood is thicker than water.

Now go to Europe or wherever you want, be thankful you can afford to do that, and there are women out there who will be available to you for whatever relationship type you want. 

Hang in there. It will get better!!!


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Fear yep that was a great point on the SI thread

Here is my favorite phrase on the subject

"FAIL MORE FEAR LESS"

Give it time brother GYRE

Love yourself. Love your babies.Be the best man and father you can be. If you do those things,

the rest will come. I promise you.

55


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Take solace that there is a 90% chance their relationship won't last. She had him for sex and candy. She had you for everything else.

If she thinks 24 yo Paul Blart Mall Cop is going to support her now that the apple is off the shine she's delusional.

I say 90% chance because there is a 10% chance she just ends up supporting him to keep up appearances of happiness and spite you.

Be glad you are done with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

The best revenge is success. Work on yourself. Build yourself up mentally, physically, and spiritually. It is time to be selfish and concentrate on rebuilding yourself. 

A woman that leaves her husband of many years to hook up with a man 12 years younger than her and way below her station, is on the road to destruction. Don't concern yourself with her regretting her choices. 

More than likely she will crash and burn. Do not under any circumstances take her back. She has show her true colors. From now on she's damaged goods. Let some other fool deal with a woman that will most likely become a serial cheater.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I would suggest counselling.

Look at it this way. Your wife is dead. Murdered by the woman she now Is.

Grieve for her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

GYRE said:


> I guess what I'm hoping to hear is that one day she'll regret her decision, not so much that she'll come back to me as plan b.


GYRE my man, it understandable your in shock and still carry the feelings for her. Its human nature. But here's the thing about her treatment of you. When a woman loses romantic interest in a guy, he becomes the furthest thing from her mind. Its not that she doesn't have respect for you. She just don't care because all her focus is on the kid. Women don't sit around wringing their hands thinking about a man's hurt feelings when they are no longer interested in the man. In this regard, it doesn't matter how much time you've invested, how much you love her, et cetera. The only thing that matters is how she feels about you, and right now you have a front row seat in seeing she doesn't care if you disappear and she never sees you again. 
As far as her living to regret her decision, she 37 and he's 24. If he doesn't tire of her before then, in 10 years she'll be pushing 50 and he'll be mid thirties eyeballing 25-30 year old chicks wondering why is stuck with someone many folk mistake for his mother. Face it Dawg, if you're 40ish would you want to be stuck with a mid fifties granny.


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

GYRE,

Time to get off the (her) Tracks. The (her) Train Wreck is coming, it's just around the corner. Trust me, the best time to File is now while she is "in love" with her soulmate.


----------



## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

OP it's not fair but you have to understand that this is life's way of telling you that you were not with the person you needed to be with for the rest of your life. She has revealed herself for the selfish, immature, and impulsive person she is. Time is your friend her buddy and a year from now I'm pretty sure you will be in a much better spot. It's ok to be upset and hurt, most of us would be but stop thinking about getting your wife back. The woman you thought you knew does not exist. You have to let her go and don't look back. There is a 95% chance that her and this 24 year old will be over within a matter of weeks and she will come slithering back to you. Don't be a dummy and let her back in. Move in my friend and embrace the opportunity that life has given you. You can start over, meet new people, and take you life to new heights. You have a freedom now that you did not have before. It's simple my friend. First you need to tell her she has one week to get her crap out of your house. When she comes you SHOULD NOT be there. Second, cut off all contact with her after that. Say nothing to her. You have to do this. Lastly, get your finances in order and file. You need to be done with this woman as soon as possible.


----------



## zzzman99 (Oct 23, 2015)

straightshooter said:


> It is probably not any consolation to you, but you will see how happy she is living with a 24 year old guy making probably close to minimum wage after a few months.
> 
> You bigger problem is what are you going vto do when she comes crawling back.
> 
> ...


exactly


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Yes, she may feel regret. It happens at times, even on this website. Please, don't be the guy who waits around for her to wake up.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

poida said:


> For the vast majority of people it isn't unbearable or even close.
> 
> I'm suggesting this woman is one of the few with strong (often hidden) insecurities that can only feel good about themselves when they live in the love fantasy and fed a constant stream of approval.
> 
> ...


Makes sense. I also think the euphoria I talked about has something to do with it. I think lots of these people are broken before they get married. They think the marriage is going to fix that and when it doesn't they think I must not have married the right person (maybe not even consciously). 

I see it like this, when they have that euphoria of a new relationship it masks some of their brokenness. So when the had that with there spouse they think this person fixes me. But we all know the intensity can't last forever. And that is not really what love is anyway, that is just the early stage infatuation that leads a person to fall in love. 

So now they are in the day to day marriage and life goes on and all of the sudden all of the feelings that come from being broken are back. They expected the marriage to fix that, so now they think I must not have married the right person. The first new person who brings back that euphoric feeling is like a drug to them. Again they think well this new person definitely is going to fix it for me. 

Boom out of one relationship and onto the next. Except this second person is the kind of person who would have a relationship with someone who is married. Two broken people, So it doesn't last long. What you are left with is a WS even more broken then before, and a BS who is innocently left holding the pieces. 

Don't think I am making excuses, I am not. Cheaters are garbage no matter what their damage, because there are plenty of damaged people who would never betray the person they say they love, or even people they don't love. 

Then again some people are just selfish @ssholes.


----------



## GYRE (Aug 12, 2016)

Thanks everyone for the advice, it's really appreciated. I can't file for a divorce right now. I live in Canada, and unless my wife admits to having an affair(she won't, i asked) I have to wait a year, which will be next march. @becareful2 As far as the previous up and downs in my marriage, I'll post what I wrote in another forum:

So, my wife and i had been together for 12 years, married for seven. We moved back to Canada 1 1/2 years ago from Korea . It has been a hard year and a half, with me looking for work and the stress of moving back home etc. My wife found work at a casino soon after we moved back, but i only found part time work. The stress of everything caused me to become a little depressed, and if I’m honest I didn’t pay enough attention to my wife. I became complacent in our relationship, I guess taking it for granted she loved me and vice versa.

My wife works odd hours, mostly nights. When she would come home from work she usually slept on the couch saying she didn’t want to disturb me. I started to feel something was wrong, and confronted my wife 3 months ago about her sleeping on the couch, constantly having her phone with her, texting, her withdrawal,her meeting younger coworkers often, and just a general sense of our marriage not being right. I asked her if there was someone else, if she was unhappy, if she wanted a divorce. She accused me of acting like a psychiatrist and that there was no one else and she just felt that what she used to find endearing and funny about me wasn’t there so much anymore.

Fast forward a month, I got a good job, was starting to feel better about life. I have to be up early for work, and one day I got up and went into the living room. My wife was sleeping, and her phone went off. I could see the text message and it was from a guy suggesting sexual things, and so i grabbed the phone and started to read. My wife had been sexting this guy. I woke my wife up and confronted her. She started crying and saying it was nothing physical, only some kissing etc. He was a coworker of hers, and the relationship[ had been going on for a couple months she says, before I found out I had to leave for my new job and told my wife I wouldn’t be home that night, and was going to spend the weekend at my parents. She begged for me to come home after work, and eventually I agreed to. I came home very angry and upset, i realized if i stayed that i would do something i regretted, probably going to find the guy she was texting and confront him.

I left for my parents which is a 4 hour drive away, all the time my wife is crying and promising to do anything I needed if I would forgive her. I got to my parents house and still angry and hurt lashed out at my wife via texts. I basically told her to move out and that we were finished. I didn’t really mean it, but I was so hurt and angry that I wanted her to feel some pain too. My wife kept promising anything if I would forgive her. I came home Sunday to find my wife had moved out. She said she was staying with a friend, I told her to move back in and we would figure this out. She said she didn’t think I could ever forgive her, and that it would never work.

I told my wife that I needed some ground rules, such as no more contact with the coworker, change her job, and that I would need access to my wife’s phone. She said she would think about it. About a week later i get a text saying she wants a divorce. She said she doesn’t know if she loves me and that there is no chemistry between us anymore. I was devastated, the wife I knew for so long and loved, was ready to end it. Too make a long story shorter, i tried to reconcile with my wife, We agreed to give the marriage a try for a few months. My wife would live at an apartment by herself, and we would meet and work on our marriage. But my wife never really tried, she would show up late when we were supposed to meet, or cancel the day of. It ends up my wife was still seeing this other guy, all the time we were trying to “make” our marriage work. My wife denies this, but I have access to one of her email accounts and know otherwise. In the end, all I asked my wife for was honesty. She never gave it to me, and ended up texting me saying it isn’t working, and that we are finished.


I posted this originally at another site. I'm not posting on a ton of different sites hoping for someone to tell me my wife will come back. This is the only other site I've ever posted on. I just wanted a different perspective on what is happening, other than my wife is a narcissist, which is pretty much what I was told on the original forum, and seems to be the 'go to' answer for everything there. Also, we have no kids


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

straightshooter said:


> GYRE
> 
> There is no easy answer to how to get over it, but time is usually the best healer. If you read here or another forum, as bad as it is right now, you will eventually realize how LUCKY ( I know that is a bad choice of words now) that you are coming out of this NOT crippled financially.
> There are many BH who go through this and wind up living in a one room apartment while the WW winds up in the house.
> ...


It also helps to kill any romanticizing you are doing about your marriage OP. Your wife was always damaged like poida says. It was only a matter of time you could have been George Clooney. You bought a lemon. It just looked really nice on the outside and ran well for a while.


----------



## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

GYRE

Don't worry about the narcissist diagnosis . Probably no one here or on any other site is qualified to make that diagnosis.

But the diagnosis that we are qualified to make is that she is an active cheater, with no remorse, who wants to cake eat and have sex with her boyfriend and have you for security.

As to her babbling
(1) you have "no chemistry" as she puts it because she has to make you as unattractive and crappy in her mind to justify to herself what she is doing. If you are a terrible husband in her mind then she deserves her fun
(2) the crap about you never being able to forgive her. The translation for that is she is not ready to either quit the job or stop banging her 24 year old so if you will never forgive her then continuing on is ok also.

What she really wants is for you to beg her to reconsider, to tell her how much you love her, and that you will accept her working there at the casino with him and "trust' her not to have sex with him any more.

PLEASE DO NOT BUY THAT LINE.

You have no kids. Wait the year if you have to. With no kids and no adultery issues I believe you said as far as the law is concerned since she will not admit it, keep your home, let her wallow around in her new downgraded l;ice style with her 24 year old, and when she comes crawling back you will not even give a ****.

So I would not pay attention to the physchoanalysis of her but I would pay attention to the advice you are getting on how to deal with her.

And lastly, it is your right to post on as many sites as you want to. I would find it hard to believe that you would get any advice on any sites to play the pick me game and beg her to come back and promise you will forgive everything on her terms.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

GYRE said:


> Thanks everyone for the advice, it's really appreciated. I can't file for a divorce right now. I live in Canada, and unless my wife admits to having an affair(she won't, i asked) I have to wait a year, which will be next march. @becareful2 As far as the previous up and downs in my marriage, I'll post what I wrote in another forum:
> 
> So, my wife and i had been together for 12 years, married for seven. We moved back to Canada 1 1/2 years ago from Korea . It has been a hard year and a half, with me looking for work and the stress of moving back home etc. My wife found work at a casino soon after we moved back, but i only found part time work. The stress of everything caused me to become a little depressed, and if I’m honest I didn’t pay enough attention to my wife. I became complacent in our relationship, I guess taking it for granted she loved me and vice versa.
> 
> ...


Your wife is a sad silly woman OP. I assume she is away from Korea for the first time? She is really in for some very hard lessons in life. Thank God you don't have children with her. No one in their right mind would suggest that this is going to be a good thing for her. You took the responsibility to move her to your home country. This guy met her at work. Now her life is that casino. Not many would want to build a life around that. 

Also you should see if her living with the other guy lets you push forward divorce proceedings. I know it sucks but you probably got the most she was capable of, as soon as times got hard she moved on. 

Do others a favor like that guy on SI and post about it when she comes crawling back (and I bet she will).


----------



## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Just for background, what type of work were you and your wife doing in Korea? Is she a Korean national? What made you come back to Canada?


----------



## GYRE (Aug 12, 2016)

We were both esl teachers. That's where I met her. I'm Canadian, she's Korean. She now has a permanent resident visa, thanks to me, which I can't cancel. We came back to Canada to be around my family, and because the standard of living is higher


----------



## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

sokillme said:


> Your wife was always damaged like poida says. It was only a matter of time -- you could have been George Clooney. You bought a lemon. It just looked really nice on the outside and ran well for a while.


Agreed. The next step in manipulation by her is for her to get pregnant. Be very, very afraid. Make sure this doesn't happen.

You made a mistake, own it, get divorced and move on with your life. In a way, she's done you a favour. You're wiser now. You now know exactly what kind of woman to avoid, and you understand (hopefully) what made you susceptible to a woman like her in the first place. Going forward, you'll be great. Good luck!

White Knight Syndrome
n. A personality characteristic found in most males that lead them to: 
1. rush to the aid of any female they see who appears in any form of distress. 
2. Become attracted to said damsel in distress. 
3. Follow the dying code of chivalry and generally act like a nice guy. 

*Also called young man's disease.*


----------



## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

GYRE said:


> We were both esl teachers. That's where I met her. I'm Canadian, she's Korean. She now has a permanent resident visa, thanks to me, which I can't cancel. We came back to Canada to be around my family, and because the standard of living is higher


Hate to say it but I've heard the exact same story over and over again about ex-pats coming home with Korean women. 

At the risk of sounding like a jerk, I'm going to take a big stab at it and assume your wife is beautiful and her parents are sort of plain looking?


----------



## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

You simply have to face the unfortunate reality that your wife is no longer interested in you and your marriage is over. Draw up a separation agreement with your lawyer, basically saying your marriage is done and you will file as soon as legally possible for divorce. Pack the remainder of her clothes or any other items and drop them off for her at her work. Then go NC with her until it's time to sign D papers. 

It hurts like heck, but it'll get you through this faster with her out of your life.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

GYRE said:


> I guess what I'm hoping to hear is that one day she'll regret her decision, not so much that she'll come back to me as plan b. I won't and couldn't live with someone who shows me no respect. I'm just trying to make sense of what the **** happened to my life. I am trying to get a life, I'm moving to another city, going to Europe next week to see a friend and party like I'm single again, but I still am having trouble letting go of all the feelings I had. Some days it's ok, but others not so much.


If you're smart you'll go completely dark. She has shown you who she is. *Believe it!!!*

You'll just waste time and life on a worthless cause if you don't. Time will take care of the rest.

Good luck


----------



## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

South Korean plastic surgery so good people need CERTIFICATES to prove who they are | Daily Mail Online


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

GYRE said:


> Thanks everyone for the advice, it's really appreciated. I can't file for a divorce right now. I live in Canada, and unless my wife admits to having an affair(she won't, i asked) I have to wait a year, which will be next march. @becareful2 As far as the previous up and downs in my marriage, I'll post what I wrote in another forum:
> 
> So, my wife and i had been together for 12 years, married for seven. We moved back to Canada 1 1/2 years ago from Korea . It has been a hard year and a half, with me looking for work and the stress of moving back home etc. My wife found work at a casino soon after we moved back, but i only found part time work. The stress of everything caused me to become a little depressed, and if I’m honest I didn’t pay enough attention to my wife. I became complacent in our relationship, I guess taking it for granted she loved me and vice versa.
> 
> ...


People high on heroin seem happy too. When they come down to reality, not so much. Difference here is that the high will last a little longer. The crash will eventually come. People chase happiness, at any cost. Problem is, true happiness in marriage only comes after a long term investment, without selling out. Short sighted investors almost always lose.

It's certainly easy for me to say "move on" and never look back. I am not you. You are the one feeling the pain. We can see the reality plain as day, while you are blindsided.

I hope you find peace.


----------



## GYRE (Aug 12, 2016)

Yeah, i hear what everyone is saying. I haven't had any contact with her for 5 weeks. I dont plan on contacting her. I guess i just wanted to have what my head is telling me confirmed. My heart isn't there yet, but oh well... as far as her stuff is concerned it's now at my dads house (which is 4 hours away, which will piss her off , and i plan on if she contacts me to let her go through him to get it


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

GYRE said:


> Yeah, i hear what everyone is saying. I haven't had any contact with her for 5 weeks. I dont plan on contacting her. I guess i just wanted to have what my head is telling me confirmed. My heart isn't there yet, but oh well... as far as her stuff is concerned it's now at my dads house (which is 4 hours away, which will piss her off , and i plan on if she contacts me to let her go through him to get it


I'm sure you still go through a lot of misery many times a day, but at least you're able to maintain your sense of humor. 

I lived in Japan a few years to teach ESL. While there, I saw some bad Americans and Canadians treating their Japanese girlfriends/wives very poorly. My point is that every country, including Korea, has its fair share of bad people hurting good people. 

I hope for your sake that your wife does not come crawling back before you are completely over her. If you did take her back, you would gradually become more and more disgusted with yourself.


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

GYRE said:


> My wife would live at an apartment by herself, and we would meet and work on our marriage. But my wife never really tried, she would show up late when we were supposed to meet, or cancel the day of. It ends up my wife was still seeing this other guy, all the time we were trying to “make” our marriage work.


 It's like my granddaddy use to say, "You can't grow crops when another man is always plowing the field". Time to quit worrying about her and her problems and cash in your chips my man.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

KillerClown said:


> South Korean plastic surgery so good people need CERTIFICATES to prove who they are | Daily Mail Online


Pardon my intrusion, what does this have to do with OP and how does it help his current situation?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

I feel for you man, it's horrible and unfair, but unfortunately life can be that way and this event makes u realize some ugly things and never see relationships in the same light ever again. Do not contact her, try to keep your self respect as much as you can and focus on you! Hang in there this will all pass and you will be a stronger person as a result.

Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk


----------



## ramblingOn (Aug 12, 2016)

I too brought back a few Chinese women after teaching overseas, one from China and one from Taiwan. In both cases, they pressured me to take them to the States and I did - but ONLY after they gave me some kids. If your experience was anything like mine, I was like a king. It was straight from a Herman Hesse novel: All women were mine! 

Your mistake was not getting her pregnant. It probably wouldn't have changed anything and she's still be gone because she probably just married you for the green card but at least you would have gotten some kids out of the deal. And the fact is, Asian moms do seem to make excellent moms on the whole. I enjoyed and continue to enjoy watching my kids intereact with their moms. Asian families are incredibly close.

As far as will she regret it? Yes, there is a 95% chance she will live to regret what she did but not out of any love for you. She just picked the wrong AP. If you had said she ran off with a rich older man, I'd say she was gone for good. She'll be back and she'll sniff you out for whatever resources she thinks she can get.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Remove her from your life to the absolute furthest degree possible and file for divorce as soon as possible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

ramblingOn said:


> Your mistake was not getting her pregnant. .


<falls off chair laughing>


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

After she finds out there's not going to be alot of money spent on her when she's with this guy for awhile, she'll be back. Don't take her back, make her life with the decision she made.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

GTdad said:


> <falls off chair laughing>


For reals.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I'm not Canadian and have no idea what the divorce laws are there.

You say you can not file until after 12 months of separation unless she admits to an affair? If you hired a PI and got pictures of them together at his place or hers (like spending the night together) would that make a difference?


----------



## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Pardon my intrusion, what does this have to do with OP and how does it help his current situation?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think you missed my previous post.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GYRE
We were both esl teachers. That's where I met her. I'm Canadian, she's Korean. She now has a permanent resident visa, thanks to me, which I can't cancel. We came back to Canada to be around my family, and because the standard of living is higher

Hate to say it but I've heard the exact same story over and over again about ex-pats coming home with Korean women.

At the risk of sounding like a jerk, I'm going to take a big stab at it and assume your wife is beautiful and her parents are sort of plain looking?


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

KillerClown said:


> I think you missed my previous post.
> 
> Quote:
> Originally Posted by GYRE
> ...


I saw your post.

Just not sure what plastic surgery in South Korea has to do with OP's situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GYRE (Aug 12, 2016)

To be honest, her being korean/asian has nothing to do with anything.


----------



## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

GYRE

*To be honest, her being korean/asian has nothing to do with anything.
*

You got that one correct. !!! i know nothing about Canadian law, but i would take the time to find out if you catch her with a PI if that year thing would go away. If that is true, I would hire the best PI i could find, and forget anything else.


----------



## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

GYRE said:


> To be honest, her being korean/asian has nothing to do with anything.


Fair enough. You mentioned the permanent resident visa which led me to the particular train of thought. I'm part of that ethno-social neighborhood so I just know stuff.


----------



## Ralph Bellamy (Aug 8, 2016)

GYRE

You've received excellent advice. Take the advice and never take her back!


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> I guess what *I'm hoping to hear is that one day she'll regret her decision,* not so much that she'll come back to me as plan b. I won't and couldn't live with someone who shows me no respect. *I'm just trying to make sense of what the **** happened* to my life.


There is a very high chance that she will regret her decision one day. The OM knows that she is a betrayer and will probably get tired of her in due time. Betrayal is about the biggest relation killer of all time and solid relationships are built on trust and she has failed in that department. In addition, you may have to wait several years for her to admit that she regrets her ****y character. When she is 40 and he is 26 her sex appeal will really not be that desirable; that together with the fractured trust issue, he will probably hook up with another woman. In fact, *I would not be surprised that he would dump her in the next year or two; that happens when you have to live with someone, reality sets in, and the teenage sexual excitement turns to crap.*

Stop wasting your time trying to make sense of her actions. She is selfish and has low character especially in the loyalty area.* You should force yourself to stop thinking about her and the betrayal and diligently work on getting stronger in all areas.* That will pay off for you for the rest of your life and in time she will just be like your high school break up. You have not even lived half your life so take your losses and make your 40s, 50s and later your best years!


* There is a LOT of good life left without a cheating woman occupying your heart.*


----------



## MapMan (Dec 11, 2015)

GYRE said:


> My wife and I have been seperated for 4 months now. I haven't had any contact with her for 5 weeks . We were together for 12 years and married for 7. I found out she cheated on me, and while for a few days she showed extreme remorse, she ended up moving out and asking for a divorce. I tried reconciliation for a few weeks, but found out she was still seeing the OM at the time. She treated me with no respect and as if I had no value.
> 
> My wife is 37 years old, and the OM is 24. What the ****??? He is a ****ing security guard…. I truly loved my wife and never once cheated on her. My wife and I had ups and downs in our marriage. As I think every mature normal couple do. At the time of the affair, we were having some problems, but I asked my wife if she needed anything from me, or was unhappy, and she said no. A month later I find out she is cheating on me and has been for a couple months.
> 
> ...


She'll get over it. Right now, she's on the cusp of middle age and perhaps wanted to experience "true love", but you and I know it's infatuation and sex. As a man, from here on in, things get better. you will start noticing more female attention than you remember. Get yourself in shape and start dating again. Yes, it's definitely unfair now, but he will get tired of her eventually and dump her. Don't be surprised if she then decides it was all a mistake and she never stopped loving you.

Do you reading here. There are plenty of stories of wayward spouses in "the fog" and what happens after it ends. What you must not do, is be nice to her. Polite, yes - but do not entertain the thought that she will appreciate any favor you do for her. Read past posts and get a feeling for what worked for people to get them back to sanity and a better future.


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

MapMan said:


> Do you reading here. There are plenty of stories of wayward spouses in "the fog" and what happens after it ends. What you must not do, is be nice to her. Polite, yes - but do not entertain the thought that she will appreciate any favor you do for her. Read past posts and get a feeling for what worked for people to get them back to sanity and a better future.


The thing is a woman is usually astute enough to know if her old man will give her a re-do if she slips around, gets caught and/or wants to come back. My observation is that more than 50% of the betrayed husband are willing, and in some cases begging, to reconcile.


----------



## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

There is nothing fair in any of this and you will probably never get her to admit to regretting her decision, though she will probably have regrets. I believe that most relationships can be fixed, if both parties work to fix the problems. However, you can't do it by yourself, if is an exercise in futility. You are going to go through a plethora or emotions and there is not much you can do about that, except understand that it is inevitable. Exercise will help with the stress and make a healthier you. Spent time with hobbies you have ignored or start something you want to try. You may want to volunteer your time to help those in need. It will help to get your mind off of your problems and concentrate on someone who will appreciate your efforts. You need to get so busy leading your life that you don't have time to think about her. Eventually, someone new will come along, but there is no rush. In the meantime, take stock of what happened both good and bad from this relationship and apply it to the next one.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I really hate to point this out. but when she got her permanent resident status you became expendable.

I have seen it many time in the last several year where guys marry foreign nationals and move them to the USA or Canada. As soon as they are settled in, they start looking around for someone better. 

Sorry.

Put it in your rear view and don't look back.


----------



## GYRE (Aug 12, 2016)

@TDSC60 man, I really don't believe the guy is better than me. Younger, yes, but not better. I appreciate your taking the time to comment, but as I said before, my wife not being Canadian and getting residency status has nothing to do with my situation. This I am sure of, everything else about my marriage not so much. I shouldn't have mentioned the permanent resident status that my wife got. I only did it because like so many things about what happened I am bitter. But I know for sure my wife didn't use me for a green card.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

GYRE said:


> So, my wife and i had been together for 12 years, married for seven. We moved back to Canada 1 1/2 years ago from Korea.


It's clear from what you said earlier she didn't marry you for a green card. It would have been one of the longest and least efficient cons in history. 

In any event, whatever the circumstances, As we have all said, you need to put her in your rear view mirror. Too much disrespect to get over. Some extra hurt now, but a happier long term outlook.

Good luck man!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

GYRE said:


> [MENTION=31642][email protected] man, I really don't believe the guy is better than me. Younger, yes, but not better. I appreciate your taking the time to comment, but as I said before, my wife not being Canadian and getting residency status has nothing to do with my situation. This I am sure of, everything else about my marriage not so much. I shouldn't have mentioned the permanent resident status that my wife got. I only did it because like so many things about what happened I am bitter.[B] But I know for sure my wife didn't use me for a green card[/B].[/QUOTE]
> For a Green Card?
> For a Green Kid?
> For a Few Dollars More......
> ...


----------



## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

A friend of mine married a woman from Asia. She was 13 years younger, about 25years old.

20 years later, still married. 

GYRE. it sucks. Do 180. Don't contact her, unless needed. Go to the gym... it really DOES help.
Go to therapy. Find local support groups.

Yeah, your emotions are out of wack, it happened to ALL of us. We all know your pain.


----------



## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> I would suggest counselling.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Great wisdom Matt


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

TaDor said:


> A friend of mine married a woman from Asia. She was 13 years younger, about 25years old. 20 years later, still married.


I agree with TaDor, I have know many gentlemen that married foreign nations and have gone on to live very happy lives. At the same time we have seen many folks that were high school sweetheart on here that have done the exact same thing as Gyre's wife. It is just a case of the grass being greener on the other side of the fence. Gyre is also correct that he is not better, just newer. Once the new wears off, her eyes will start to wander again.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

TDSC60 said:


> I'm not Canadian and have no idea what the divorce laws are there.
> 
> You say you can not file until after 12 months of separation unless she admits to an affair? If you hired a PI and got pictures of them together at his place or hers (like spending the night together) would that make a difference?


You can't get the divorce without the 12 months of separation first. The only thing you need a divorce for is if you want to remarry someone.

You can get a legal separation agreement in place right away which does all the important stuff like the division of debts and assets and spousal support determination. (and child custody and support if you had kids)

In practice, most separation agreements take a while to get sorted out, so by the time that's done, you can file for divorce right away. Either that, or you spend over a year arguing over the agreement and got nothing in place and need to go to court to get a judge to do it all at once.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

GYRE said:


> My wife and I have been seperated for 4 months now. I haven't had any contact with her for 5 weeks . We were together for 12 years and married for 7. I found out she cheated on me, and while for a few days she showed extreme remorse, she ended up moving out and asking for a divorce. I tried reconciliation for a few weeks, but found out she was still seeing the OM at the time. She treated me with no respect and as if I had no value.
> 
> My wife is 37 years old, and the OM is 24. What the ****??? He is a ****ing security guard…. I truly loved my wife and never once cheated on her. My wife and I had ups and downs in our marriage. As I think every mature normal couple do. At the time of the affair, we were having some problems, but I asked my wife if she needed anything from me, or was unhappy, and she said no. A month later I find out she is cheating on me and has been for a couple months.
> 
> ...


A word of advice from somebody who went through nearly exactly what you described, right down to the amount of time together, the years married, and the ages.

If I could do it all over again, I would take the time to grieve the loss of someone I loved, then put my life back together - what everybody else is essentially telling you to do.

What I did instead was chase her, contact her, try to be friends, hope that things would work out, blah blah blah. I got angry at her, I cried in front of her, I probably begged, I asked "why" a thousand times.

With the benefit of hindsight (these things ALWAYS come with hindsight), I regret doing all of that. It didn't help me, and it likely cemented her decision in her head.

Thing is, we don't need to know why. Your wife, and my ex wife, both found somebody else. Both of them denied anything was wrong or missing in the marriage, and there was nothing we could do. People are quick here to simplify things by saying they're bad, awful, selfish people. They're not wrong, but they're not right, either. It's human nature, unfortunately. I wasn't a bad husband at all, but I wasn't the right husband for my ex wife. At one point in time, I was, but people change. When that happens, sometimes the person goes with the flow and maintains the relationship. Sometimes they don't and they move on. Sometimes it takes meeting somebody else to turn that light bulb on.

It's not nice, it's not a justification, it's not how things should go, but it is what it is.

It'll take time to heal, but you'll get there. At some point, probably a lot quicker than you expect, it won't hurt anymore. The toughest part is right now, where you've convinced yourself you NEED her.

This is so similar to quitting smoking, or drinking or getting off drugs. If you've never had to do any of those, you're lucky. But if you have, then you know what it's like. The first few days are hell. The first few weeks are a blur. Then one day you wake up, and you don't think about it right away. Each day it gets easier and easier, til you're back to your normal self - or usually even better.

Think of it as detox.


----------



## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

The Grass is always greener where you water it.


----------



## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Gotta do 180. Either way, it seems to work best... for yourself. For your sanity.


----------



## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Oh, the OM was 21 at the time, 30yr old wife... sound familiar?

It'll take months, many months or over a year before she is out of her fog... who knows. You nor anyone else can tell you when she will get her head out of her own butt.
And when she does, she may NOT want to admit her stupidity and will just go on with her life, looking for other men... she's free of you and the kids (full time).

As stated above, move for steps above required for your state. DON'T wait for her to get her act together, it'll likely NOT happen. Women tend to leave, Men tend to stay - when they are cheating.


----------



## billbird2111 (Feb 14, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Look at it this way. Your wife is dead. Murdered by the woman she now Is.
> 
> Grieve for her.


This is spot on correct. And it's the same advice that Matt gave to me. He is 100 percent correct.

She is not thinking of you. You are the furthest thing from her mind. She is not missing you one iota. She has moved, left everything behind and is now on her "honeymoon." Her thoughts are consumed by someone else. Her attention is consumed by someone else.

I am nearly three months into this personal little Hell myself. Trust me, I still cry for her. But not as much. And I am getting stronger every single day. Remember this my friend: you did not deserve this. You are not to blame for this. You are a good man. You've been dumped and it's time for you to move on.

Leave a door cracked if you want, sure, but she's not coming back. The first thing you need to do is learn how to love yourself again. Somewhere along the way, you forgot how. It's not words my man. Saying "I love myself" is easy. This is anything but. Loving yourself is measured by deeds -- not words. Ask yourself this question every single day: "How did I love myself today?"

I'll tell you what I've done. I researched the finest hair stylist for men in my city based on Yelp reviews, and made an appointment with her. I told her that I was a blank piece of canvas, and please, have at me.

I've got a shock of brown hair now where there was once gray and when I left that stylist's shop two weeks ago the first thing I noticed is I was turning the heads of the opposite sex again. I still am. It felt good. I feel good.

The second thing I started is an exercise regimen with my dog. Since we both got dumped by my ungrateful ex, I made a promise to him. One hour walks in the morning and one hour walks at night. Every single day of the week. Period. Without exception. In three months I've dropped 30 lbs. I've got more to lose, and it's coming off.

Third? Make an appointment with your dentist. If you don't have a dentist, find one. Now. Yesterday. At my first appointment I met a hygienist who was a work of art and so beautiful my jaw dropped to the ground. I told her what happened. She told me the same thing had just happened to her. She held my hand for that first hour and whispered nice things into my ear. I nearly cried. It's been years since a woman spoke to me with such kindness. I look forward to seeing her. She looks forward to seeing me. There's nothing other than that because we both need to learn how to live on our own again. But it's nice to have a friend who will listen and comfort you.

Trust me -- it does get better. I'm no longer thinking of my ex 24-7. I'm able to sleep at night without waking up with feelings of dread. I don't feel like a loser because I'm not a loser. I just made the unfortunate mistake of giving my love and commitment to one. That mistake is now past me.

Four, if you're still in the same house you lived in with her, MOVE. If it's a rental, find another one. If it's a home you bought together, sell it. Now. Those walls have memories. And they are memories of what you've lost. That's not good. Get out. As soon as you can.

I cannot begin to tell you how much people here in this forum helped me with their wonderful words of advice and support. I'm not through this yet -- but I'm world's better than where I was when I first started coming here in February.

You did your best to keep her. She left anyway. That is HER loss and you must keep that in mind all the time. She's going to regret this because you will get better, you will find love again and she will never, EVER find anyone like you again.

Get better!


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

GYRE said:


> @TDSC60 man, I really don't believe the guy is better than me. Younger, yes, but not better. I appreciate your taking the time to comment, but as I said before, my wife not being Canadian and getting residency status has nothing to do with my situation. This I am sure of, everything else about my marriage not so much. I shouldn't have mentioned the permanent resident status that my wife got. I only did it because like so many things about what happened I am bitter. But I know for sure my wife didn't use me for a green card.


I did not mean that the guy was actually better than you. I should have said that the wives go looking for someone *they think* is better than the husband. No offence intended.

If she has moved in with Mr. D-bag, you should move on. Why would you want her back after what she has done?


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You asked how she could be with you for 12 years and then just....leave without a backward glance.

I think she was feeling her oats being in a new country, working in a casino where the culture is different. She detached from you and attached to her new life, including the OM. The detachment allows her to separate from you without any real pain or conscience.

Will it last with him? It could last for a while, in my opinion, but he's 24 and she will probably begin to experience the unsettling side of immature, 24-yo testosterone, which is that he will be hooking up with other women, all of them younger than her.

I think you should detach. Read up on the 180 and implement it. Train your thoughts and behavior away from her. If you can do this, you will feel much, much better.


----------



## GYRE (Aug 12, 2016)

Yeah, i agree with most of what everyone has said. Ive just spent the weekend moving out of the apartment i lived in with my wife and have moved 4 hours away from her. Im slowly starting to accept that she doesn't think or care at all about me now. What a ****ty set of circumstances and cards to be dealt. 

But the fact that it's ****ty and hard to accept doesnt change reality. I can't imagine ever doing what my wife has done, im not wired that way, but apparently she is


----------



## Ralph Bellamy (Aug 8, 2016)

GYRE said:


> Yeah, i agree with most of what everyone has said. Ive just spent the weekend moving out of the apartment i lived in with my wife and have moved 4 hours away from her. Im slowly starting to accept that she doesn't think or care at all about me now. What a ****ty set of circumstances and cards to be dealt.
> 
> But the fact that it's ****ty and hard to accept doesnt change reality. I can't imagine ever doing what my wife has done, im not wired that way, but apparently she is


Don't let it make you bitter. 3 years later and I still struggle.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Do not forget to take her off your medical insurance and any life insurance polices. 

Cancel any credit cards that you shared. Get new cards in your name only. Be extremely careful how you deal with the CC companies. Calling or emailing may not be enough to get it done even if they tell you over the phone that it has been done or the famous "we just put a note in your file". Write a letter and have it sent "Signature Required". Scan the signed letter and say it with the receipt.Get new cards before cancelling the old ones. Cut up the old ones at least a week after you stop using them and send the cancellation letter. If a charge appears on the card AFTER the date the letter is delivered, they consider that as an indication that you are still using the card and will not shut down the account.

PS - don't forget to forward ALL your mail to your new address.


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

GYRE said:


> Yeah, i agree with most of what everyone has said. Ive just spent the weekend moving out of the apartment i lived in with my wife and have moved 4 hours away from her. Im slowly starting to accept that* she doesn't think or care at all about me now.* What a ****ty set of circumstances and cards to be dealt.
> 
> But the fact that it's ****ty and hard to accept doesnt change reality. I can't imagine ever doing what my wife has done, im not wired that way, but apparently she is


Wrong!

She does think about you, but she has her distraction. Imagine if he dumped her, suddenly she feels like sh*t, no one wants her, she might look to you to lift her ego etc etc.

We all tend to take it personally. She doesn't care, she's deliberately doing this to hurt me, how can she not see my pain, but it's not personal, it's nothing against you personally but right now she has to feed her selfish needs and you're in the way.

Yes you'd never treat her like that, it's no consolation but you can move on with you head held high. Her loss, move on. Always better out there. 

One day soon enough she'll have to confront herself in the mirror.


----------



## GYRE (Aug 12, 2016)

I don't know. Seems hard to fathom that she is even thinking about me or the past at all. I don't believe that someone can reconcile the past (what we had) and the present (what she is doing) without feeling like you are such a **** person. I personally believe she feels out of sight out of mind. Our marriage wasnt a bad one, until the last year i was sure she loved me.

I think she is just living for the moment with no thoughts for the future. Whatever, i don't think I'll ever fully understand.


----------



## GYRE (Aug 12, 2016)

Oh, and all financial things have long ago been canceled. There is nothing in both our names anymore.That was one of the first things i did


----------



## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

I read an article about how women go through stages and was quite suprised to see how acurate it was. Trust me you are better off and will find happiness one day whether you believe or not. I don't see that road just yet, I just hope one day I will. 

Sent from my SM-G920T using Tapatalk


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

sokillme said:


> He is 24 how long do you think it going to last? You wife is a fool, she will figure it out. He got to bang a cougar and another man's wife. I bet she was just a trophy.


LMAO at men who think cougars are a trophy.... I guess if you prize used antiques. I like my stuff brand new.



sokillme said:


> DON'T TAKE HER BACK!


QFT. 

Eventually, he will tire of his premenopausal woman and he'll upgrade to a younger model. Because he's got at least a decade to replace her with a twenty something. 

Her shelf life on the other hand will have expired and she'll come crawling be to you. Don't take someone's sloppy seconds. Hit the gym and pick up some arm candy.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

@GYRE For what it's worth. My ex was 40 and I was in my late 30s (and still am) when we divorced 3 years ago.

Her AP was my age but they broke up after D-Day. She then started to date someone 15 years younger to boost her ego.

Some clown barely making a livable wage. Then she tried to come crawling back to me, WHILE dating the 25 yo.

I shot her down pretty hard so she's still with him, surprisingly to this day. Do I think it will last? Hell no.

But more importantly, do I care? Not in the least, he's a loser with nothing to offer. It's fitting he's with her. 

As for me..... My current girlfriend is in her late twenties with a body her over 40 ass couldn't possibly compete with.

Couldn't be happier, thanks to her poor decisions I got a smoking hot upgrade. Hit the gym, this is an OPPORTUNITY.

Take it!!!!


----------



## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Somehow I doubt she will be crawling back. In most situations of this type I've seen the women picks up boy toys while making arrangements to set up a business with family investors.

I'm sure she didn't start out the marriage with all this planned out but once put in the situation she would be a fool to not follow a tried-and-true formula that worked for so many women.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

KillerClown said:


> In most situations of this type I've seen the women picks up boy toys while making arrangements to set up a business with family investors.


Some don't, some do. I doubt the ones who fail to pull off the plan B aren't bragging about it. The important point is IF she comes fishing around is to "SAY NO". Even if you want to take her back, which is unfortunate in itself, she will never truly respect you. So you're just better off walking away even if you don't want to. There's nothing to salvage unless you enjoy foot long sh!t sandwiches with a side of sloppy seconds.


----------

