# How do i stop it



## onetwothree (Nov 4, 2011)

Im having an affair. I want to stop and i dont know what to do. I have tried to end it several times and I keep getting pulled back in. The biggest reason i wimp out of ending it is when the OP says to me that she will tell my W. I want to end it but I am so scared what will happen if my W finds out. 
I have just ended it again (about the 6th time in the last year - been going on two in total). I dont want to get drawn back in, does anyone have any advice on what to do. 
Do i need to come clean to my W (that scares me - what if she leaves me) 
Do i just hang tough and wear the consequences if the OP says something?
I do love my W and i want to fix us. The thought of losing her makes me sick. I know ive done the wrong thing and im willing to pay any price except losing my W and family.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

Work on improving your relationship with your wife right now. 

Make her again the most important person in your life. 

A spouse is a key relationship and you have violated that relationship. With that comes consequences. The result, you will not know until you come clean. It is much better for a LS to find out from their spouse than from a third party, that is much more devastatiing and hurtful. 

If she knows you are doing everything to save your marriage and own up to your mistake, the chances of success may be better than to learn from OW. 

Remorse and professional help for both parties is essential to repair tbe enormous damage you have brought to the marriage. 

Your wife will decide whether to save the marriage or leave it but the emotional blackmail you are receiving from OW shows exactly the type of character you that have hooked up with. 

You have been deceitful, sneaking behind your wife's back and with that comes a whole lot of consequences. You are cake eating.

Man up and face the music.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

onetwothree said:


> Im having an affair. I want to stop and i dont know what to do. I have tried to end it several times and I keep getting pulled back in. The biggest reason i wimp out of ending it is when the OP says to me that she will tell my W. I want to end it but I am so scared what will happen if my W finds out.
> I have just ended it again (about the 6th time in the last year - been going on two in total). I dont want to get drawn back in, does anyone have any advice on what to do.
> Do i need to come clean to my W (that scares me - what if she leaves me)
> Do i just hang tough and wear the consequences if the OP says something?
> I do love my W and i want to fix us. The thought of losing her makes me sick. I know ive done the wrong thing and im willing to pay any price except losing my W and family.


This is the situation that my H described to me, so he kept lying to me for well over a year. I viewed his failure to tell me about the A, as an excuse to keep the A going. You need to tell the OW to go away and stay away. You need to tell your wife everything, and I mean everything she wants to know. Don't try to control information in an attempt to make yourself look better; It will back fire. My H told me in bits and pieces, and half truths; and the new revelations kept reopening the wounds( I found out by accident, he didn't have the guts to tell me). That made my recovery very difficult and prolonged( still working on it). His main concern was to cover his a$$; not to help me get my feet back under me. You also need to recognize that you are rationalizing your behavior and motives. If you did not want the A, it would have never happened. You haven't really wanted to end it, or you would have done so by now. You wanted to have your cake and eat it too. These are all things that your wife will think, and you have to stop trying to control what her reactions will be. Your only hope is complete honesty; true and profound remorse; and steadfast patience should she decide to work through her devastation and remain in the marriage. You made the choice to betray her without consulting her, and she has the right to decide how she feels about it. She is not responsible in any way for your choice to put another woman in her rightful place. This is what you have done, it's up to her to determine if she wants to live with a person who can talk themselves into putting her second to a stranger. She may not forgive you; you should have considered that before you put your relationship on the line for a piece of crap; who is not worthy to do her laundry.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

You have been having Sex with the OW. You like the attention.
You also like having your wife to do the cooking. cleaning and loving you. 
If you want to keep your wife.
1. Stop the affair
2. Tell your wife. Tell it all. Answer all questions honestly and the first time you are asked. Do not spare her any details 

She deserves more than two years of lying. Don't expect her to forgive you. 
The price of your affair is that you may lose her.

You need to offer transparency. Open up your email accounts. Your cell phone accounts.


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## Turner9 (Sep 7, 2011)

I know this is not what you want to hear, and like most men, they want to do the right thing but don't wont the consequence to be sooo overwhelming that they cannot bear it!

1. Besides blackmail, and a desperate attempt to keep you by her side, its obvious that you don't wont a meaningful relationship with the OP. 
2. Sex? that maybe a problem, the more you do it, the more likely of a bond you keep building! You will have to just cut that off. 
3. FEAR! False Evidence Appearing Real! will cause you not to act like you should, If your fear is that great, that you will loose your wife! then you will loose her?! Change your believing, Change your actions. 
4. I don't believe conjuring up some massive Lie will save you. For Instance, telling your wife that you got drunk and this OP took advantage of you will only pacify things until the real truth comes out! And, it always does. Prepare yourself for reality! 

*Unfortunately, if I was in your state, I all ready know, what my wife would do, she would kick me! Hit me a few times, perhaps punch out the OW, Then leave me! Not divorce me immediately, but strongly consider doing so! And she would be right in doing so. 

Knowing this about my wife, and know that if I broke off relations with the OW/Fatal Attraction nut job!, she would expose the both of us?? Then, I know, I must have mislead her into thinking we would be item forever! The OW actions are too revenge full! She was expecting more out of this relationship!, the last thing she thought, was that it would end?!! 

I have no idea what you said to her during your sexual outings , but one thing is certain, she wants to hurt you as much as you have injured her. Meaning, the OP is not bluffing! But, you have to get honest! Choose!! Do you love this OP/Nut Job?? If so then fine, end your relationship with your wife and don't put her at further risk , you know what I mean. 

Or , End it with this OP/Nut Job that I guess you better sex with? Whatever the reason was is unimportant now, and brace yourself for your wife's reaction. But , Tell Your WIFE 1st, don't allow this nut job to do it for you. The words out of her mouth to your wife can be absolutely beyond CRUEL, I don't think your wife deserves that, if you still love her, PROTECT HER, Become the person she fell in love with and do whatever it takes to heal her heart. You might have a very good chance on keeping her. 

I have a friend who went through worse than you, and they both manage to fight for their marriage and they are very happy together to this day. All in all, She has to be given some real genuine reason for forgiving you! Give her one! 

Whatever you do, do it quickly, plan it out though, even the fall out from your wife. Anticipate what will happen in the worst case scenario and have an answer/solution ready when it comes up. 

You are stronger than you realize, you just have to ask yourself some very difficult hard questions! Maybe you love this Op/ more than your wife? I doubt it, you must have realized that the history and bond you built with your wife, this OP cannot come close to achieving! 

I leave you this: Consider Brad Pitt's decision, he allowed himself to get seduced, hell its easy and it happens fast, but once he came to his senses he realized why he did what he did and Sex is not a foundation that last! In the end, he prefers to be back with his Friend! .. Jennifer! He left for all the wrong reasons, now its more than likely really too late. He waited tooo long! To act and come clean. 

Don't make his mistake, don't procrastinate! get it done before thanksgiving, Trust me, you do not want to wait until January 1, 2012, making your wife think this was your New years Resolution! Do it now, send no confusing messages. Unless, by some shear miracle you get lucky??!! and the OP Relocates to Canada!

*Like Lazarus said" Man up and face the music"! I would just add, when you do, at least try to control the type of music that is going to be played.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Tell your wife!! There are only 5 alternative outcomes here. 1. You continue in the affair. You will get caught. We all do (I'm a wayward to), no one is cleaver enough to live a lie forever. So your W knows. 2. You quit the affair and the OW carries out her threat and tells your W. So your W knows. 3. You confess, so your W knows. 4. You continue on in the affair and your AP (affair partner) gets bored and bails before you get caught. Highly unlikely. 5. You quit the affair and your AP doesn't carry out her threat (only you know how likely she is to do this). The last two are the only alternatives in which your W doesn't know. So, best case scenario you've got a 40% chance of getting out of this without your W knowing. Do you think you're odds of saving your marriage are better if she hears this from you or from the OW? Just in case you don't know - they are infinitely better if she hears it from you for all the reasons oaksthorne described above. 

It's tough. It's hard. It's painful. It's scary as hell. These are the prices of cheating. Be prepared to pay them. Take ownership of what you've done, accept responsibility, and give you're wife the whole truth. As was said above do not attempt to control information. The best single gift you can give your wife in such a lousy act is to give her all of the information up front. If you give her trickle truth you will make it 1,000 times harder on her. 

There is also another reason to tell her. Something sent you outside your marriage. There is some need you're not getting met by your wife, which means odds are she's not getting something to and may not even realize it. Likely you may not know what it is that you're not getting met - I didn't. If you confide in you're wife and do the things necessary to reconcile this is a tremendous opportunity to reconnect with your wife, figure out where the marriage can be improved, and then move in those directions together. My wife and I are now better than we ever have been, it took my EA for us to both realize that we were taking our marriage fore granted. It's a tough, difficult road but it can actually improve your marriage in the long run.


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## onetwothree (Nov 4, 2011)

thankyou all for your advice. 
I have ended it with the OW and will not be going back. The comments hear have helped me immeasurably.
I have made an appointment with a professional to talk it through and will then tell my W.
I want my Wife and will do anything to keep her.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Stop worrying about how the truth is going to effect you. Start worrying about how lying and cheating is effecting your wife.

And stop telling yourself that the only reason you're having sex with someone other than your wife is because that person is threatening to tell her.

Own your failings.

Stop exposing your wife and yourself to the risk of STDs and stop spending time and money on this OW.

You are destroying your marriage. The longer you avoid telling your wife of your failing as a husband and continue this affair the less likely it is you can repair your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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