# Possible Situation Developing with the W



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Last night, W relayed a story regarding the deep discounts she gets at a certain wholesale store she frequents. She believes an employee has taken a fancy to her, talks her up, and helps her load heavy items for a project she is working on. 

But yesterday, the ante was upped when they traded contact info, supposedly so he could notify her about pending sales. I have monitoring software that alerted me to this. The text that was sent to him has her name and address. She added his contact name and number, but I think it is a variation of his his real name, as I cannot locate it.

After learning this from her, I asked her point blank would you ever compromise your principals just to get some discounted merchandise? She said no, I don't have time for that. She did tell me that when she left he said goodbye gorgeous, which she thought was unnecessary.

Should I be concerned?


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

I'd be cautious before I let a suspicion turn into an accusation, but yes, I think you should be keeping your eyes and ears open. Sometimes, I think that because I was the WS in my marriage, I am just naturally suspicious when I read these stories on TAM.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Know the history...yes!

Exchanging contact info is not the best way to affair proof the M.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I would tell this guy to lose your gorgeous wife's number or else.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Just saying ....
This guy might need to be educated on hitting on married chicks.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

So, are you monitoring her texts? If so, you should know if it gets out of hand. Does she know you have access to her messages? 

Do you have ANY other reason to suspect an affair?


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Give him your number and tell just to pass on any "specials" to you and you'll be sure pass them on to your wife. Personally my wife would no longer shop there, maybe that's just me.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

MAJ, after all the threads you've posted about your marital history, and the pages upon pages about your wife's behavior, and you still have to check with TAM to see if this is wrong?

You should have had red flags and sirens wailing a long time ago. And now THIS happens? Seriously? You KNOW this is bad....How much are you willing to put up with?


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

I have no clue on the history but from comments from others my guess is HS has cheated on you in the past.

So now she tells you basically that some guy is hitting on her, but does not tell you she has given him all her contract information. This is beyond ridiculous.

by the way, every major retailer, or even small ones, has Internet ads that anyone can find out the sales, but your wife has basically started a relationship with another man without telling you in exchange for some sale information.

What is amazing to me is that you have to ask if this is a problem.

And by the way, the problem is not the ass hole in the store. The problem is your wife


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think you're married to a drama queen. Truly. I would not even show concern anymore. lol Or I'd leave. You have been through so much ...this woman knows how to play you. That is for sure.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Couple of points:
1 She told me about it (unsolicited), including the part about adding him as a contact. And she told me his name.
2 She had mentioned once before that this guy works there, and when he is there she gets steep discounts. But when the owner is handling transactions, he won't discount much.
3 She told me about the parting comment
4 She calls him "the kid", he is very young she says

I'll keep an eye on this for now. It could be nothing. But in the past she was known to use people to get what she wants, hopefully now limited to just a friendly smile.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

TX-SC said:


> So, are you monitoring her texts? If so, you should know if it gets out of hand. Does she know you have access to her messages?
> 
> *Not at all.*
> 
> Do you have ANY other reason to suspect an affair?


*Nope*.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Probably no big deal then. But, if she acts strange, keep an eye out.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So she 'would not have time for that?'

Sounds like a rather weak response given the circumstances.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

the guy said:


> Just saying ....
> This guy might need to be educated on hitting on married chicks.


And on NOT defrauding his employer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

MAJDEATH said:


> Last night, W relayed a story regarding the deep discounts she gets at a certain wholesale store she frequents. She believes an employee has taken a fancy to her, talks her up, and helps her load heavy items for a project she is working on.
> 
> But yesterday, the ante was upped when they traded contact info, supposedly so he could notify her about pending sales. I have monitoring software that alerted me to this. The text that was sent to him has her name and address. She added his contact name and number, but I think it is a variation of his his real name, as I cannot locate it.
> 
> ...


I would be concerned

Why?

1. Her past track record - not impeccable
2. she seems to get a kick out of telling you some of this stuff, which sounds like she is trying to make you jealous or annoy you, what is with that? You should ask her

3. If you really love someone you wont to upset them like that
4. Keep your eyes open and mouth shut for now but don't let your guard down


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

It's your mess now MAJ.

I feel for you because I don't think you are getting near what you need from her and are still pretty wounded.

I'm not sure but you seem to have some affixation with your wife that isn't fully healthy.

You seem perpetually uncomfortable or disturbed (I don't blame you) but also quick to defend her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

MAJDEATH said:


> Last night, W relayed a story regarding the deep discounts she gets at a certain wholesale store she frequents. She believes an employee has taken a fancy to her, talks her up, and helps her load heavy items for a project she is working on.
> 
> But yesterday, the ante was upped when they traded contact info, supposedly so he could notify her about pending sales. I have monitoring software that alerted me to this. The text that was sent to him has her name and address. She added his contact name and number, but I think it is a variation of his his real name, as I cannot locate it.
> 
> ...


He is playing her and she is letting him. 

Then in turn, she's playing you.

How is that honoring you as her husband.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> He is playing her and she is letting him.
> 
> Then in turn, she's playing you.
> 
> How is that honoring you as her husband.


QFT.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## CHGUY (Jan 25, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> So she 'would not have time for that?'
> 
> Dead give-away response, the time is coming. It has already crossed her mind, if she has not acted upon it yet. He could be the deflection of AM? Maybe? My wife once said the same, as well as "he should know better"


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

If my husband exchanged contact info with a female other than for work related reasons, I would be done.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

This isn’t that your wife is irresistible, OP…everyone here probably gets hit on, but we don’t give our phone numbers to people we randomly meet during our day. Your wife has issues, from the very least being wanting to get a rise out of you…to more seriously, not understanding boundaries and desiring male attention at all costs. To me, she lacks confidence in herself, and needs male attention, outside of the marriage. Ad she also enjoys you making a fuss over the attention she is receiving. Her need for attention is her problem, it’s not yours…but it has become yours, because you’re married to her. But, the problem doesn’t lie with you. My guess is if you both were divorced, and she remarried, she’d still be getting random men’s numbers, and so on. She has an issue with self esteem, and sadly, it has affected your self esteem as a man, and as her husband. It’s sad to see you go through this, but only you can change it. Your wife will never change this…because she reaps a benefit from it, and that is…it feeds her low self esteem. Just my thoughts on it…praying for you.


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## Imovedforthis (Dec 18, 2015)

I think it is a good sign she was upfront with you and told you about him and what he said. 

Maybe referring to him as the "kid" means she isn't interested. 

If I find a man attractive but he's younger and just not my type I will refer to him as a "youngen " or some other word that basically means he does nada. 

Not that anyone should do that- just being honest.

If I was goo goo over another guy, my husband would never hear of this guy. 

Only red flag to me is that you can't find his contact in her phone. Maybe she didn't add it?? Have you tried typing the number in and see if it brings a name up? 

With her history I would def keep a watch of this situation but just that... Sit back and watch. 
I wouldn't push or bug her too much since it seems she's being upfront about him. 

Also I've often told my husband of another man calling me hot pretty whatnot... This happens 2 different ways depending on situation 1) there is nothing with this other man and I was caught off guard and maybe grossed out this person said something to me... 2) to make my husband jealous  hey sometimes I don't know why, but I feel like I have I to let my husband know other men think I'm hot. 
Ya total conceited douche bag moment especially since my husband tells me allllll the time. But just being honest


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think that you should be concerned until you have sufficient evidence there is no problem. A married woman giving her personal phone number to a random guy at a store is a problem. I would go dark and into full monitoring mode and monitor everything, especially her phone. I would also have a VAR in her car to assure his lunch breaks don't get more interesting. Don't say anything about the incident at all, just let it play out and see if she will act on it.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

the guy said:


> Just saying ....
> This guy might need to be educated on hitting on married chicks.


why? he sounds like he is really good at it already!

:smile2:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MAJDEATH said:


> Last night, W relayed a story regarding the deep discounts she gets at a certain wholesale store she frequents. She believes an employee has taken a fancy to her, talks her up, and helps her load heavy items for a project she is working on.
> 
> But yesterday, the ante was upped when they traded contact info, supposedly so he could notify her about pending sales. I have monitoring software that alerted me to this. The text that was sent to him has her name and address. She added his contact name and number, but I think it is a variation of his his real name, as I cannot locate it.
> 
> ...


You should be concerned but NOT for the obvious reason. 

If he is giving your wife unauthorised heavy discounts this MIGHT be considered as theft and or fraud.

And if the salesman gets caught (and with CCTV and electronic records that is a distinct possibility) your wife might be charged with conspiracy to defraud.

If any electronic communications between them occur or occurred then the US wire fraud rules might kick in.

And would the salesman take it like a man? Hardly! He would squeal like a pig and make out that it was your wife's idea.

This same situation happened at a local big chain hardware store.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Talked to the wife this morning on this topic. She admits that getting a compliment from a younger guy is flattering, but merely harmless. Like other ladies have mentioned, maybe it makes her feel good to still be desired, and she felt the need to tell me. I would only worry about someone she didn't tell me about. Most of the guys she runs across purchasing contractor supplies are 60+ yr old guys. 

And she got his number so she could call ahead to see if the owner is there, to save herself an unnecessary trip as she is very busy working on projects.

I don't think anyone has to worry about fraud, it is a small resale store for donated wood, furniture, housewares, and construction materials. They get donated items for a tax write-off and resale them as a non-profit, with lots of room to negotiate on the price. 

I think there is nothing here, so I may just monitor. I have his name/work/contact info if the need ever arises.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Does your wife have low self-esteem where she might be seeking out or acting in certain ways to get some attention from other men? I don't know your whole story, but it sounds like to me this is what she is doing then feels the need to go and tell you about it. I know a few women like this where they absolutely define themselves with other men noticing them, talking to them, or giving them compliments. They are all married and then share it with their husbands as soon as they can. Wonder how it would feel if the tables were turned. Yuck.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Imovedforthis said:


> Only red flag to me is that you can't find his contact in her phone. Maybe she didn't add it?? Have you tried typing the number in and see if it brings a name up?


I was notified of his contact information as soon as he typed it into her phone. I have great monitoring software! He just typed a name that was different from what he told her.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Just doesn't smell right to me.

Hope you are right


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

straightshooter said:


> So now she tells you basically that some guy is hitting on her, but does not tell you she has given him all her contract information. This is beyond ridiculous.


Perhaps I wasn't clear, she told me about exchanging contact info.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

MAJDEATH,

My W gets hit on alot as well, and I MUCH prefer that she tells me what is going on in the early stages to finding out later. I return the favor.

BTW I'm taking sample vitamins now she got from a younger pharmacist for "free", who just got married.

Tamat


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

MAJDEATH,

As an aside, it's often funny to stay in the background when my W is interacting with some guy, and watch how their behavior changes when I put my hand on her shoulder. 

Tamat


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

MAJ 

Should you be concerned? How about we come back to this question in a few minutes. I see many problems with this situation your wife seems to have placed herself in. That is correct, your wife has placed herself in this position. As mentioned earlier, there could also be legal repercussions from this, and yes, your wife could be held responsible also. For that to happen though, your wife and the sales person need to have contacted each other to discuss these deep discounts. If that happens, tell your wife to buy the item elsewhere. 

I say your wife has placed herself in this position from her lack response. Maybe she should try honesty once, the next time the store owner rings up her sale, tell him that can't be right because last week she only paid X for that item. See what the owner says to that. She could then tell the owner that his staff is very good at anticipating her future needs by getting her personal contact information to alert of any good sales coming up. Of course this would be if your wife was an honest person, well, then you would see his contact info in her phone, but you can't find it. Dishonesty at its finest going on here MAJ, what to do though. 

As for her telling you, she did, but it was filtered. You can't find the contact info, you don't mention if she showed you the message, someone who is REMORSEFUL would have shown you. You would also then see the contact, but alas that didn't quite happen did it? Would have been nice if she had done that, but it now appears as though she is hiding him from you. This should be a huge issue to you, one that would have you seeing a lawyer, but instead you come here asking questions. It's fine to ask questions, you can implement the responses as you wish, but I don't think you are hearing any of us. MAJ, you should be livid with this situation given her past, and it's not about using someone to her what she wants at a better price. So basically it's acceptable to your wife for this employee to steal so she can get a good price? How would she feel as the owner? Your wife has poor judgement, and in my opinion shouldn't be buying things for anyone, let alone a corporation. 

Her response of not enough time for that, clearly she has no remorse for her past. If she did she would take her business elsewhere, especially after the gorgeous comment. Instead she seems proud he threw that in. Seems even more proud to announce that to you. But that's my perception. If that had been my wife she would have corrected the first deep discount, and she would have shut down the road of compliments. Your wife has issues to work on, we all do, in fact if you ask her she will probably tell you she's wrong. The point is though MAJ, why do you have to tell her? Should you be concerned? Yes, because this doesn't looks like it will end well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I think some guys (younger ones especially) might confuse an enthusiastic, exuberant, and gregarious female personality with interest. That's the reason some girls can go out broke, and come home drunk.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

MAJDEATH said:


> I think some guys (younger ones especially) might confuse an enthusiastic, exuberant, and gregarious female personality with interest. That's the reason some girls can go out broke, and come home drunk.


Why do you always make excuses for your wife? I ask this with respect. I just think that you both seem to feed off drama that honestly...seems manufactured on her part.


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## catsa (Jun 8, 2013)

Perhaps she gave you the wrong name so you can't find him at the store...


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

drifting on said:


> MAJ
> 
> Should you be concerned? How about we come back to this question in a few minutes. I see many problems with this situation your wife seems to have placed herself in. That is correct, your wife has placed herself in this position. As mentioned earlier, there could also be legal repercussions from this, and yes, your wife could be held responsible also. For that to happen though, your wife and the sales person need to have contacted each other to discuss these deep discounts. If that happens, tell your wife to buy the item elsewhere.
> 
> ...


I think you are blowing this way out of proportion. Her store contact is the manager, and he has authority to discount prices. My W, like many women I suspect, is a big game hunter when it comes to making purchases, and will always work an angle to save money, whether it's shoes or floor tile.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

MAJDEATH said:


> I think you are blowing this way out of proportion. Her store contact is the manager, and he has authority to discount prices. My W, like many women I suspect, is a big game hunter when it comes to making purchases, and will always work an angle to save money, whether it's shoes or floor tile.


Just be aware, that just like the gym rat trainers that "prey" on multiple women, this guy could have the same M.O.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

catsa said:


> Perhaps she gave you the wrong name so you can't find him at the store...


I believe he told her one name, but typed a different name when he added his contact info on her phone.

She frequents several similar type stores in the area for building supplies, and is well known by the managers/owners. Sometimes I go with her on the weekends and have never seen anything questionable.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

*Deidre* said:


> I think you're married to a drama queen. Truly. I would not even show concern anymore. lol Or I'd leave. You have been through so much ..._this woman knows how to play you._ That is for sure.


You ain't joking about that. Rather than MAJ having to go around advising other guys she's a married woman perhaps it would be better if she just learned to say no to guys that flirt with her.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

MAJDEATH said:


> I think some guys (younger ones especially) might confuse an enthusiastic, exuberant, and gregarious female personality with interest. That's the reason some girls can go out broke, and come home drunk.


I would agree with this in your wife's case if she was not a serial cheat.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Don't get me wrong, if she is doing something wrong that needs addressed, I will address it. I just want to make sure I'm not jumping to conclusions.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

MAJDEATH said:


> Don't get me wrong, if she is doing something wrong that needs addressed, I will address it. I just want to make sure I'm not jumping to conclusions.


That's wise, but also self assess on the denial side.

Definitely takes a balance.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Quote by MAJ
But yesterday, the ante was upped when they traded contact info, supposedly so he could notify her about pending sales. I have monitoring software that alerted me to this. The text that was sent to him has her name and address. She added his contact name and number, but I think it is a variation of his his real name, as I cannot locate it.

Quote by MAJ
2 She had mentioned once before that this guy works there, and when he is there she gets steep discounts. But when the owner is handling transactions, he won't discount much.

Quote by MAJ
I'll keep an eye on this for now. It could be nothing. But in the past she was known to use people to get what she wants, hopefully now limited to just a friendly smile.


MAJ

No, I don't think I'm blowing this out of proportion. These are your words from your first two posts. Directly above, even you know she isn't trustworthy or you wouldn't have said hopefully it's a smile. I'm saying this with respect to you, but you ask a question then defend your wife like we are trying to cause you harm. The day you realize, and I really mean you realize, what your wife is capable of, that is when you will accept what has happened. At that point you can begin a true reconciliation and true healing. Right now you haven't done this, nor are you capable to until you have no more questions and doubts. You haven't. 

MAJ, I understand your position, I want to defend my wife just the same, but I can't because she is capable of deception far more then you realize. Your wife is the same, you've accepted her affairs, but you haven't accepted what she is capable of. Two completely different nuances of infidelity. One is the action that caused you pain, the affair. The other is the the person that did this without batting an eye to you, your wife. It's brutally hard to accept, and when you do you won't be so defending of her to other posters here. Because internally you will know that she is fallible and have issues that are rooted deep within her. As you both begin to resolve these issues you will accept her and trust her more. But it's my opinion you haven't done this yet. 

I wish you the best of luck MAJ, but if you read my earlier post you will see I'm not blowing this out of proportion. It's in your words above, when the owner is there the discounts aren't as deep. Your words, and in your first post you said the employee fancied her. I hope your eyes are really open.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> I think you're married to a drama queen. Truly. I would not even show concern anymore. lol Or I'd leave. You have been through so much ...this woman knows how to play you. That is for sure.


Agreed. 

And not only is she a drama llama, she is telegraphing her availability to every male who comes within her perimeter. Women with the history that OP's wife has do this without even being cognizant of it. 

I wouldn't put up with this bullsh!t.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You say there might be a situation developing with your wife, it would hardly be a surprise, "Her? Nooooo! She has never behaved like a goat in heat!!!".

Then you shoot everyone down who examines her behavior.

I am consistently forced by you to question your motives.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Given your wifes previous history she is very close to crossing the line again.

For now you should just discreetly monitor. 

It is definate that the kid has a crush on her.

Either way she might think he is cute. But if he continually keeps giving her discounts and flattery you never know where this might lead.

Keep a discreet watch.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I am not shooting everyone down. I value all the opinions and am looking at this from a fresh perspective. According to my monitoring services, she was at this store today from 1303 to 1459, after telling me that she was behind and had a meeting with the PM later today, so she would be real busy all day working on floors.
My system also shows that she was at this store on the 14th from 1158 to 1313, then went back around 1550 (when the contact texts showed up that I discussed earlier).
More exploration is required, but these are red flags, especially considering recent revelations about past behavior.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

MAJDEATH said:


> I am not shooting everyone down. I value all the opinions and am looking at this from a fresh perspective. According to my monitoring services, she was at this store today from 1303 to 1459, after telling me that she was behind and had a meeting with the PM later today, so she would be real busy all day working on floors.
> My system also shows that she was at this store on the 14th from 1158 to 1313, then went back around 1550 (when the contact texts showed up that I discussed earlier).
> More exploration is required, but these are red flags, especially considering recent revelations about past behavior.


Continue the discreet monitoring. There are solid red flags here.

Have you had legal advice in the past? Perhaps now is a good time to start preparing your exit plan.

What do you plan to do if you confirm the worst?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Here is your fresh perspective. And it is going to piss you off. But I don't care. 

Every male on TAM can spot a slvt from five miles off. Every...single...one..of....us...

None of us have ever seen your wife....and I can bet every guy who reads your posts has come to the conclusion that you are married to a hussie.

...a trollop...

...a loose woman...

And I ask you again, just like I have asked you on your other threads: how much longer are you going to continue putting up with this bullsh!t?

Stop defending your wife and making excuses for her, as if she is the innocent recipient of all these predators out to exploit her. Men make moves on your wife because she invites them to.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Got it. She honestly doesn't have any room to be behaving in many of the ways she is.

I do not gather, from all your posts, a picture of a contrite and remorseful former cheater.

Especially a cheater of her caliber.

I sure wish you had a woman who valued you enough to give you what you need.

It would be wonderful if that woman turned out to be your wife but she isn't that woman to date.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

MAJDEATH said:


> I am not shooting everyone down. I value all the opinions and am looking at this from a fresh perspective. According to my monitoring services, she was at this store today from 1303 to 1459, after telling me that she was behind and had a meeting with the PM later today, so she would be real busy all day working on floors.
> My system also shows that she was at this store on the 14th from 1158 to 1313, then went back around 1550 (when the contact texts showed up that I discussed earlier).
> More exploration is required, but these are red flags, especially considering recent revelations about past behavior.


This is so foreign to me.  How do you find happiness in your own life, living like this? 

You deserve better. Your inability to believe that, is the problem.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> Got it. She honestly doesn't have any room to be behaving in many of the ways she is.
> 
> I do not gather, from all your posts, a picture of a contrite and remorseful former cheater.
> 
> ...


She is a spoiled princess, but I'm thinking she needs to be reminded about proper bondaries, or face consequences. Especially after she now knows the severe impact that even the shadow of infidelity would have on me.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

If I came home and announced to my SO that I exchanged personal contact info with a cute young lumber handler, he would no doubt tell me to hit the road.

What are you thinking, MAJ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

MAJDEATH said:


> I am not shooting everyone down. I value all the opinions and am looking at this from a fresh perspective. According to my monitoring services, she was at this store today from 1303 to 1459, after telling me that she was behind and had a meeting with the PM later today, so she would be real busy all day working on floors.
> My system also shows that she was at this store on the 14th from 1158 to 1313, then went back around 1550 (when the contact texts showed up that I discussed earlier).
> More exploration is required, but these are red flags, especially considering recent revelations about past behavior.


Certainly seems a little suspicious.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I can't tell you how bad I wanted to go into that store today and see what was happening. But I would risk blowing my source of intel. 

I did drive by at a distance to confirm that the GPS tracker was accurate, her vehicle was there.

Another red flag-I called her about 1430, and she almost always answers my call by the 3rd ring, or calls me right back within 30 seconds. 7 rings then went to voicemail, I left a message with a legitimate reason for calling. She didn't call me back for another 32 minutes, explaining that she had buried her phone in her car, and had to dig it out and that's why she missed my call. Very suspicious! 

I will lay low and keep up my surveillance. I have an out of town trip coming up soon in a couple weeks so I might need to place the VAR.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> Here is your fresh perspective. And it is going to piss you off. But I don't care.
> 
> Every male on TAM can spot a slvt from five miles off. Every...single...one..of....us...
> 
> ...


She's no stranger to serial relationships in her earlier adult life, but I thought we'd moved past that and were proceeding in a good marriage.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> I am not shooting everyone down. I value all the opinions and am looking at this from a fresh perspective. According to my monitoring services, she was at this store today from 1303 to 1459, after telling me that she was behind and had a meeting with the PM later today, so she would be real busy all day working on floors.
> My system also shows that she was at this store on the 14th from 1158 to 1313, then went back around 1550 (when the contact texts showed up that I discussed earlier).
> More exploration is required, but these are red flags, especially considering recent revelations about past behavior.




MAJ

With all due respect, I'm blowing it out of proportion and you have caught your wife in a lie with the buried phone story. Part of me wants to side with you and believe all you say when defending her. Then my other part says she couldn't answer the phone because it was buried under her panties on the floor as she is in bed with Mr. Youngandfun. Now I'm sure this pissed you off, you will say she was at the hardware store, but if you don't know what kind of car Mr. Youngandfun drives she may have not been there getting drilled or hammered. Am I being harsh? Yes I am, and for good reason, you aren't in reconciliation when your wife is available to more then just you. 

I sit here typing this praying I'm wrong, praying every other poster is wrong, and I'll happily eat crow if I am but she's ACTIVELY lying to you. I hope you see the bad position you are in here, I hope you can verify she bought more then a 2X4 and a screwdriver set in that amount of time. My senses tell me you can't verify what she purchased. Do you know what this project is that she is working on? Would the building materials needed take that much time to purchase? Are you having remodeling work done? 

I really sometimes am at a loss to say to you MAJ, maybe that what pisses me off about your situation. Then I begin to think you need to issue consequences, but you can't make her love or respect you. With these actions alone you should be wondering this yourself, because it reminds me of the night she had her lovers quarrel in front of you as she was out on a date with you and OM. I guess you have a decision to make soon, one I hope you make before leaving on your trip.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> She is a spoiled princess, but I'm thinking she needs to be reminded about proper bondaries, or face consequences.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBkMWOi21-w


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MAJDEATH said:


> She's no stranger to serial relationships in her earlier adult life, but I thought we'd moved past that and were proceeding in a good marriage.


Um....

No.


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## CHGUY (Jan 25, 2016)

If you are already monitoring her cell with software, then you have reason to be concerned? If so, why? This will give the members more to help you? Monitoring this extreme for "nothing" seems out of place. It is done when a person has a strong gut feel, or paranoia? Why did you start the monitoring of her cell?


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## CHGUY (Jan 25, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> Um....
> 
> No.


Reposting for the obvious: Double no dude, Sorry


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

CHGUY said:


> If you are already monitoring her cell with software, then you have reason to be concerned? If so, why? This will give the members more to help you? Monitoring this extreme for "nothing" seems out of place. It is done when a person has a strong gut feel, or paranoia? Why did you start the monitoring of her cell?


Go read his other threads. He has plenty of reasons to be concerned. Not to mention his wife's previous multiple affairs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

"He's just a Kid"... Cheater's Speak 101

I got that one too, along with the "He's not my Type". Just typing this reminds me of my past ignorance to except the possibility.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I verified that she did indeed purchase a large volume of wood flooring yesterday, from 2 different stores for the remodel project. She also stated that the owner is now more agreeable on discounts, based on the volume of items purchased and the not-for-profit status of the project.

That doesn't explain the delayed phonecall, so I will continue to monitor.

Someone asked why I purchased monitoring software. It gives me peace of mind to know that I will never be taken advantage of again. I can see her texts, e-mails, numbers dialed, gps, social media, apps, calendar, photos and videos, etc. In addition to some other capabilities that border on legal recording.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> Someone asked why I purchased monitoring software. It gives me peace of mind to know that I will never be taken advantage of again. I can see her texts, e-mails, numbers dialed, gps, social media, apps, calendar, photos and videos, etc. I addition to some other capabilities that border on legal recording.


That seems like a lot. Almost like a second job. I get that the software gives you piece of mind, but I am curious as to why you would want to be with someone you have to monitor at that level. Not trying to offend, just genuinely trying to understand why you hold on.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> That seems like a lot. Almost like a second job. I get that the software gives you piece of mind, but I am curious as to why you would want to be with someone you have to monitor at that level. Not trying to offend, just genuinely trying to understand why you hold on.


We have asked this question again and again over four different threads. I think MAJ believes that if he starts a new thread somehow our collective opinion about his situation will change.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Why the HELL is she giving him her phone to put his contact info in it?! He can write that down on paper and give to her. Now he has her name, address and phone #. Not to mention if she has any messaging apps. He can contact her on, He now knows because he had her phone.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> Stop defending your wife and making excuses for her, as if she is the innocent recipient of all these predators out to exploit her. Men make moves on your wife because she invites them to.


Yup. This is a behavior I failed to notice in myself. Do ya’ll remember when I came here and I said I get hit on ALL THE TIME? I did. I couldn’t go to the gas station without getting hit on a few times in one visit. I totally didn’t get it. Man, I must’ve been hot stuff! But once I stopped the open and approachable behavior in public, I haven’t been hit on in months! And I love it! I got my hair done last night so I got a little dressed up for work today. Wanted to put the whole “put together” look on today. I’ve worn this dress a bunch of times and it ALWAYS gets cat calls, comments, etc. But since I’ve changed how I present myself, I have not received one inappropriate comment today. I’ve gotten some “you look nice!” “Wow, you really HAVE lost a lot of weight!” – all from women. Not one single man has said a word and it’s because I KNOW I’ve changed how I outwardly present myself. I don’t present myself as approachable, flirateous, open, ok to talk inappropriately to. 

One guy I work with (I’ve posted about him before…..hit on me inappropriately a couple months back…..asked me out on a date, etc) WAS positively LEERING at me from his office window. I could see it in my peripheral vision. But I didn’t make eye contact, I just ignored it and kept my Resting B*tch Face on. And later when he came up to my desk for something unrelated, he didn’t make an inappropriate comment.

My point is, given her history, she should not be inviting ANY kind of inappropriate interaction. And if she’s getting it it’s because she’s open to it, inviting it or playing off it.

I am a buyer too. I look for ways to control costs, control inventory dollars, etc. But no way (even pre disclosure days) would I flirt with or invite a salesperson to flirt with me for a discount.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The guy wants in her pants so he gives her discounts.
She takes advantage of this fact to take the discounts. 
Not really a good situation.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

MAJDEATH said:


> I can't tell you how bad I wanted to go into that store today and see what was happening. But I would risk blowing my source of intel.
> 
> I did drive by at a distance to confirm that the GPS tracker was accurate, her vehicle was there.
> 
> ...


Are you this man? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mkcKQmr7kRc
Don't be that man.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I work with women a lot in my profession. Many of them are construction material subcontractors, and one thing that makes me roll my eyes is when they try to us their feminine wiles me. I don't try to stop them, but some younger guys often mistake this brown nosing for actual flirting when it is not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

ReformedHubby said:


> That seems like a lot. Almost like a second job. I get that the software gives you piece of mind, but I am curious as to why you would want to be with someone you have to monitor at that level. Not trying to offend, just genuinely trying to understand why you hold on.


This x 1000


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

In a lot of positions, you do have to brown nose a bit to get what you want. At my second job when I’m trying hard to sell a dress to a customer that’s waffling, I’ll say things like “the sash really accentuates your curves”, “the lace makes you look feminine”, “the A-line really hides the problem areas you were worried about”. With a bridesmaid it’s “the color looks great with your skin tone”, “that halter neck makes your arms look more toned”. 

Occasionally you DO have to tell people what they want to hear and be complimentary – depending on the position that you’re in. But there’s a fine line.

Your wife buys flooring and textiles, correct?

I buy diaphragms, check balls, metal shafts, nuts and bolts. Flirting will not HELP my purchases in any way, shape or form. Complimenting my sales guy on his suit isn’t gonna get me a lower price on a valve seat. What it’s gonna get me is unwanted attention and a sticky situation that may be harder to get out of down the road.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

MAJDEATH said:


> Someone asked why I purchased monitoring software. It gives me peace of mind to know that I will never be taken advantage of again..


You already have been.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

LosingHim said:


> Your wife buys flooring and textiles, correct?


If this was directed at me, I'm not married.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> If this was directed at me, I'm not married.


Nope. :grin2: @MAJDEATH

I think I remember you telling me one time you were happier single. I may be starting to understand why LOL.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

MAJDEATH said:


> Talked to the wife this morning on this topic. She admits that getting a compliment from a younger guy is flattering, but merely harmless.
> -----
> And she got his number so she could call ahead to see if the owner is there, to save herself an unnecessary trip as she is very busy working on projects.





MAJDEATH said:


> I think you are blowing this way out of proportion. Her store contact is the manager, and he has authority to discount prices. My W, like many women I suspect, is a big game hunter when it comes to making purchases, and will always work an angle to save money, whether it's shoes or floor tile.


But the angle she's using is her own sexuality, which isn't appropriate, IMO. MAYBE a one-off, when shoe shopping or something, but what she's doing is regular, and with the same guy.

This guy thinks he's going to get some by doing what he's doing, and she's not making it clear (or clear enough) that it ain't gonna happen. That's not okay.

Now, what if this guy is honest-to-god expecting something from her at some point, and he never gets it? Neither of you know what he's capable of, or what kind of person he is. That's dangerous.

To me, the correct response for anybody - man or woman - in these cases is to not accept the discount. When it's clear what the motive is for giving it in the first place, you're only asking for trouble.

Bottom line, your wife is using this guy to get some good prices. That's fair, honestly. It's not HER problem. But should she continually and happily accept them, essentially leading this guy on in this way?

No, because he may very well not be very accepting of the outcome when push comes to shove.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

alexm said:


> Bottom line, your wife is using this guy to get some good prices. That's fair, honestly. It's not HER problem.


Isn't using the possibility of sex kinda like:


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

MAJ

May want to skip my post here as it's going to get you angry. I'm confused on some parts of this, maybe you can clear up some of my confusion. 

In your opening post you wrote "she added his name and contact number". In post 27 you wrote "and she got his number so she could call ahead to see if the owner is there, to save herself an unnecessary trip as she is very busy working on projects". In post 29 you wrote "
I was notified of his contact information as soon as he typed it into her phone. I have great monitoring software! He just typed a name that was different from what he told her".

Let me stop here, twice you said she entered the info. In post 29 you changed it to HE entered the information. How do you know this? How do you know if he or your wife entered the information? It's important, either your wife hid it from you or the salesman, manager, employee, whatever, is trying to hide something. Now I know you are going to protect her, you will find a way to say this was all a mistake. So go ahead and shoot everyone down for trying to show you what your wife really is. By the way, do you know she was at the store or just her car, she could have gone off with him then called from her office phone to say order it all. You have my account info so charge it to that. 

Today you say the owner is willing to give steeper discounts. Did you talk last night? Because as of yesterday he wasn't. So is that another lie by your wife, or did she call you this morning to say, I just got off the phone with the owner and he will give steeper discounts. I'm not believing this MAJ, your wife is lying and filtering everything she tells you. Also if she were to call ahead of time to find the whereabouts of the owner being there or not tells you the manager is not authorized to make that steep of a discount. Otherwise why need to call to see if the owner is there? Oh, wait, maybe they use his office or the manager can't leave if the owner is present. Sorry I was slow to catch on to that one. 

MAJ I do know this, not many contractors will stay in a store that long to buy something. They know what they need and they order if. It doesn't take over an hour to give a product list to the salesman and then ask when will it be in? Has she said anything else about not answering your call? Did you question her about that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

drifting on said:


> MAJ
> 
> May want to skip my post here as it's going to get you angry. I'm confused on some parts of this, maybe you can clear up some of my confusion.
> 
> ...


I'm not angry at all, and I will answer your questions the best that I can, hopefully to provide some clarity. I will offer no excuses, just explanations, but keep in mind some answers have come from her, and I have no independent verification. We talked last night at dinner.

1 W indicated that she handed her phone to the kid, and had him enter his name and number in her contacts. Next he sent a text to himself with her info (name, contractor, phone #). She has done this before, with family and friends, she says because she is technology challenged and it's just easier. Her words.

2 I don't know if she was in the store or not. The GPS software I use works on the phone, so she could have left it in the car and gone off, or had it buried in her purse on her person. I actually saw her vehicle in the lot at that time.

3 The owner changing his mind about discounts, I have no way to verify, her words.

4 Did she buy wood, yes 20 boxes unloaded last night at the project house, along with underlayment and other materials , verified by me and our son who helped unload it. Charge on our debit card.

5 The missed phonecall while she was there. She says her phone was buried and she didn't know she had missed calls until she unburied it 30 min later. Her words.

6 Regarding the kid, she said he used flattering terms with her (gorgeous), but she did not reciprocate. She said he must like dirty, sweaty, older contractor ladies in ripped up old clothes, because that what she looks like when she goes there. Her words.

As a former security executive, I have cautioned her in the past about not opening up to strangers, being aware of your surroundings, trusting your instinct if something feels off, etc. Several months ago she went into an old house to bid a remodel project, and the guy that showed her around is a registered sex offender. Nothing happened, but I warned her that she is risking her personal safety by blindly trusting people, but she doesn't heed my warnings.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

He's on the hunt. No idea if she is. MANY women will play a hunter happily to get stuff.

Net: Eyes open but only yellow alert.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> bandit.45 said:
> 
> 
> > Stop defending your wife and making excuses for her, as if she is the innocent recipient of all these predators out to exploit her. Men make moves on your wife because she invites them to.
> ...


What is open and approachable behavior? She drops by a resale store in old, smelly clothes with paint in her hair to buy flooring. I have no way to verify this, but she did indicate it was him dropping the flattery and compliments, not her. She thinks he is discounting the prices because he likes her, but it has never been conveyed directly. Is it her fault that young men are stupid and gullible, with fantasies of things that aren't true?

Besides, open and approachable in the business world is a positive trait to have. It doesn't indicate romantic interest. It's called being nice to people.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

alexm said:


> MAJDEATH said:
> 
> 
> > Talked to the wife this morning on this topic. She admits that getting a compliment from a younger guy is flattering, but merely harmless.
> ...


I agree with you, and will caution her about going down this path. The prisons are full of guys who thought somebody owed them something, and they came to collect. Perception can become reality, sometimes, especially now that he knows where we live.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Maybe I missed this in an earlier post, but have you been to this store WITH your wife, hand in hand, while he helped you? I'm not big into the whole alpha/beta crap but I would alpha this punk kid into the ground. I would show EVERYONE that this is mine and you better lay the hell off. I might even say something like "Hey, I heard you called my wife gorgeous the other day. That's cute."


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

This is exactly why cheating is a deal breaker for me. I would not live like this.  Your wife *might* be innocent in all of this, but I just think she has done irreparable damage to the marriage, to where you will never fully trust her again.


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

MAJDEATH said:


> 4 Did she buy wood, yes 20 boxes unloaded last night at the project house, along with underlayment and other materials , verified by me and our son who helped unload it. Charge on our debit card.


And how does the time to unload this stuff match up with the time she spent at the store factoring in time for selecting, negotiating, paying, loading?


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

rzmpf said:


> MAJDEATH said:
> 
> 
> > 4 Did she buy wood, yes 20 boxes unloaded last night at the project house, along with underlayment and other materials , verified by me and our son who helped unload it. Charge on our debit card.
> ...


It adds up, if you include the time for her to walk every aisle and look at all of the products (it's an ADHD thing).


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

TX-SC said:


> Maybe I missed this in an earlier post, but have you been to this store WITH your wife, hand in hand, while he helped you? I'm not big into the whole alpha/beta crap but I would alpha this punk kid into the ground. I would show EVERYONE that this is mine and you better lay the hell off. I might even say something like "Hey, I heard you called my wife gorgeous the other day. That's cute."


I might just do this.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

MAJDEATH said:


> I might just do this.


heads up... if you are on top of your alpha game at home this is sexy

If you aren't.... it will come across as a weak pissing contest

My ex tried that and it backfired


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> What is open and approachable behavior? She drops by a resale store in old, smelly clothes with paint in her hair to buy flooring. I have no way to verify this, but she did indicate it was him dropping the flattery and compliments, not her. She thinks he is discounting the prices because he likes her, but it has never been conveyed directly. Is it her fault that young men are stupid and gullible, with fantasies of things that aren't true?
> 
> Besides, open and approachable in the business world is a positive trait to have. It doesn't indicate romantic interest. It's called being nice to people.


Having run several successful retail businesses I can tell you being open and approachable does not include male employees telling female customers they are gorgeous. I busted a female employee once doing "favors" in the changing rooms with customers, I didn't make her employee of the month for being open and approachable. 

He isn't young and gullible, he may just be playing her a little to get more sales out of her or he might be playing the odds that sooner or later he will score. Ya never know.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

MAJDEATH said:


> Someone asked why I purchased monitoring software. It gives me peace of mind to know that I will never be taken advantage of again. I can see her texts, e-mails, numbers dialed, gps, social media, apps, calendar, photos and videos, etc. In addition to some other capabilities that border on legal recording.



What software are you using? I'd like to look into this.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

MAJDEATH said:


> Someone asked why I purchased monitoring software. It gives me peace of mind to know that I will never be taken advantage of again. *I can see her texts, e-mails, numbers dialed, gps, social media, apps, calendar, photos and videos, etc. In addition to some other capabilities that border on legal recording.*


Ok, but this is NOT marriage. More like Dragnet or "War Games." Surveille your wife to the point where you're doing drive-bys at the local Home Depot and Costco? Seriously??

SMH...

MAJ... It's time to seriously consider moving on, for your own mental wellbeing and sanity...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Wow high tech software, going to where your wife is to see if her car is there, past cheating issues and you still want to be with this woman.

How could one want to live like this, when there are honest non cheating people out there. There is no possible way you can be happy living this way, watching your wife's every move. I just don't understand the depth of this, I know it takes time to trust someone again that has cheated but how long are you willing to live this way.

This just stuns me.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Yup, the day I cannot trust my wife is the day she's no longer my wife.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

the guy said:


> I would tell this guy to lose your gorgeous wife's number or else.


He has no control over this stranger guy, but does over his wife. He should tell his wife to keep away from him if she values her marriage. There are always guys to hit on pretty women, you cannot go confront all those guys.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

MAJ

Is there any way she knows you are using the GPS in her phone? Why would she need to call ahead to know if the owner is there or not? During my wife's affair the sex occurred during working hours, so please don't say neither would risk getting caught. Please understand MAJ, I'm not trying to anger you, but for you to see what I'm seeing, what I didn't believe could ever happen. Your wife takes very bold chances, as if she feels she will never have to answer as you will stay. Basically disrespecting you at every turn she can. Her entering a house with a sex offender, going on a date with you and OM, getting in a lovers quarrel, notes found around the house. I can't go on as I feel I'm more angry then you at times. I swear it's an ego boost to her to disrespect as much as she has. 

I think you have two paths available to yourself, 1) find a new supplier, simply because she has cheated and finds him using flattery as a feel good. I'm not saying she can't be nice, but just because she says she didn't reciprocate should be taken as a grain of salt. Especially when you keep saying "her words". It's obvious your trust in her is very low and in my opinion correct. You honestly don't know if she reciprocated or not, and with what you say she will do for a deal from shoes to building supplies I would say she did reciprocate his flattery. It's a consequence to her past cheating, perhaps being as nice as she has been isn't needed. 

2) you both go to this store and you BOTH confront this kid. Flattery is not to be used and if it's anything less then professional you will use a different store. Ask him if the owner would be happy losing her business because of unwanted flattery. Of course I don't think I need to tell you your wife will balk at this approach. But for your sake she had better not. Then you can tell her she either listens to your advice about matters or she can live single any way she wishes. Truthfully speaking, if this was my wife we would be at the local hospital having my foot surgically removed from her ass. And I'd be at the hospital the following day having my foot removed from the kids ass as well. 

I'm usually not one to speak this way, I let actions tell my story, but I'll be damned that my wife ever treat me that way. My wife received my gift of reconciliation, she was smart enough to know to shut down any advance made on her in any fashion possible. Nice, rude, mean, condescending, but she knows to shut it down immediately, did your wife learn this yet?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya...but you can try.

Phuck that kid!

Keep an eye on this and if this phucker get sideways I'd get in his grill.

Other then that your old lady needs to stop flashing smiles at young punks that want to bang cougars.

Those games are over after all the bull shyt she did back in the day!

I say your old lady needs a good spanking for being a bad girl.....but thats just me.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

the guy said:


> I say your old lady needs a good spanking for being a bad girl.....but thats just me.



That's probably what she wants from him. She may be like jld and wants him to dominate her.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

So I am stuck in 2 scenarios, if I am to believe what some TAM posters have told me:
1 If I am checking up on my W, then I don't trust her, and how can you be with someone you don't trust?
2 I don't check up on her and trust her completely, then how can I be certain that she isn't messing around behind my back, making me look like a fool?

This is a no win scenario from the jaded hearts on TAM. Either she was cheating on you, she is cheating on you, or she will be cheating on you. 
How about this: We love each other, we enjoy each other's company, and we trust each other. But occasionally, if something feels funny, I will check up on her to verify people, places, and things--just to be sure. And she is free to do the same with me. We were not perfect in the past but we have entered into phase 2 of our 20 year marriage and things are going good. If the worst thing that happens is a young guy at a store called her gorgeous, it is not that big a deal. Certainly not something you end a marriage over.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Lostme said:


> Wow high tech software, going to where your wife is to see if her car is there, past cheating issues and you still want to be with this woman.
> 
> How could one want to live like this, when there are honest non cheating people out there. There is no possible way you can be happy living this way, watching your wife's every move. I just don't understand the depth of this, I know it takes time to trust someone again that has cheated but how long are you willing to live this way.
> 
> This just stuns me.


There are no guarantees in life. Is everything your SO has ever done or said true and honest? Because she says so? Prove it! Let me see your taxes, resume, did you read & agreed to all term and conditions, etc.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Maj, the reason you find it necessary to check up on your wife is because she's given you reasons not to trust her. She's still sending out red flags due to her loose boundaries. You aren't stuck between two scenarios. You are stuck in a no win loop designed and executed by your spouse.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

MAJDEATH said:


> There are no guarantees in life.


 Exactly especially after an SO cheats, but then I'm not talking about the guarantees in life. I'm talking about how can one be happy if they live there life so worried about what their SO is doing. If I had to spy on one all the time, then I wouldn't be with them.

I would not be able to sleep and go to work everyday, if I had to worry about what my H did all the time, especially if I had a GPS that told me where he was yet found myself driving there to make sure. 

To live in that kind of paranoia would drive me crazy, and if I found myself going to that extreme I would have to hit the road for the sake of my sanity and self respect.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

bfree said:


> Yup, the day I cannot trust my wife is the day she's no longer my wife.


This.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> So I am stuck in 2 scenarios, if I am to believe what some TAM posters have told me:
> 1 If I am checking up on my W, then I don't trust her, and how can you be with someone you don't trust?
> 2 I don't check up on her and trust her completely, then how can I be certain that she isn't messing around behind my back, making me look like a fool?


You need to keep in mind that if you didn't think you have a problem, you wouldn't be asking other folks about it. Like I said about turst, once its violated, it never comes back.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

MAJDEATH said:


> So I am stuck in 2 scenarios, if I am to believe what some TAM posters have told me:
> 1 If I am checking up on my W, then I don't trust her, and how can you be with someone you don't trust?
> 2 I don't check up on her and trust her completely, then how can I be certain that she isn't messing around behind my back, making me look like a fool?
> 
> ...


Just different perspectives from different viewpoints. Some advice is better than others, it's up to you to evaluate and determine your own path. 

It does sound like she is playing with fire. Maybe she has no intention of cheating with "the kid", but isn't that how many affairs start? Without intention. 

Personally I wouldn't want my woman flirting to get a discount. Do you also send her into the bar ahead of you to bat her eyelashes to get a guy to buy her a drink?


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

MAJ, what TAM posters are really getting that is the guy at the store isn't the problem, so situation 1 isn't the issue. The problem is your wife. 

I'm genuinely curious, and not trying to start any keyboard confrontation with this question: Why do you post these problems, then when TAM points out the glaring red flags/problems with your wife, you decide to defend her? I don't understand it.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

MAJDEATH said:


> So I am stuck in 2 scenarios, if I am to believe what some TAM posters have told me:
> 1 If I am checking up on my W, then I don't trust her, and how can you be with someone you don't trust?
> 2 I don't check up on her and trust her completely, then how can I be certain that she isn't messing around behind my back, making me look like a fool?
> 
> ...


Trust, but VERIFY. 

I am in that mode these days. I trust my wife and she is not the flirty type and she loves our kids, and I like to think that she loves me too. In our case, there is an Indian male married coworker who is a bit too friendly with her and used to call her every day on her drive back on some excuse. As a guy, I can guess what he was looking to do, but my wife took it in a different way, he was being friendly and she could get office info and gossip. He seems to have withdrawn now as far as I can tell. There is another Pakistani fellow who just joined her company and works with my wife on the same project. Every day at home I hear what he said and how he is encouraging her to do better and aim higher. He may be completely innocent and well meaning, but I have to monitor. Her phone and email and FB are always open so I quickly take peeks without her knowing. There is nothing from the Pak guy but 2 weeks ago, the earlier Indian guy tried to call at noon and my wife did not pick up. 

So I suggest you take a step back and wait and watch.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Whip Morgan said:


> MAJ, what TAM posters are really getting that is the guy at the store isn't the problem, so situation 1 isn't the issue. The problem is your wife.
> 
> I'm genuinely curious, and not trying to start any keyboard confrontation with this question: Why do you post these problems, then when TAM points out the glaring red flags/problems with your wife, you decide to defend her? I don't understand it.


I am trying to be open to the views expressed on TAM, but lately it just seems that every concern means she is full-on cheating and that I should call the divorce lawyer. It just seems that several long-term posters really just want to push unfounded positions in the hope that the marriage falls apart. Granted, there may be some yellow flags here, but that just means there is equal likelihood that it's nothing.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

ThePheonix said:


> You need to keep in mind that if you didn't think you have a problem, you wouldn't be asking other folks about it. Like I said about turst, once its violated, it never comes back.


Not true. There's that manipulative posting again. "You're asking questions, so you know there's a big problem with your wife." Are you trying to convince me there is a problem, when there is no proof to date? Does that make you feel better somehow?


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Rubix Cubed said:


> What software are you using? I'd like to look into this.


Shoot me a PM and I'll fill you in. I have it set up with a 1-click dashboard that shows me what I want to know, in real time. The only reason I drove over to check the other day was because I had just added the GPS function, and I wanted to make sure it works. And I was on my lunch break and the location was 6 minutes away from me.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Ok, but this is NOT marriage. More like Dragnet or "War Games." Surveille your wife to the point where you're doing drive-bys at the local Home Depot and Costco? Seriously??
> 
> SMH...
> 
> ...


Trust...but verify occasionally.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Majdeath, 
Could you verify something for me (and perhaps a few other posters)? Has there been another thread somewhere that you have posted indicating your wife has cheated in the past? Some of the posts in this thread seem to indicate that cheating is nothing new for her. Is that true? Have there been other instances? I apologize for asking, but I don't come here every day so I probably missed something. 

In a standard marriage, with no history of cheating, your wife really has done nothing wrong. Maybe she should not be so flirty, but it's pretty minor in general. Now, if she has a history of cheating, that's a different story. 

Can you enlighten us a little?


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

@MAJDEATH ….. you know I was a cheater. You’ve seen my story, so I am coming at this from a totally different angle. I get your need to verify and check.

I’ve done this to my husband for YEARS. Checking to see if there’s been contact with the ex gf, checking to see if he looked at porn and deleted the history, reading his texts to see if there was anything there, when we were separated under the same roof and he would go out, I would check his pockets, smell his shirts. 

How long have you been doing this? How long do you think you will? Are you driving yourself crazy? I’m doing the same thing with myself right now. I keep telling myself I’m going to stop checking his texts online, quit going to the ex gf’s twitter page for clues, stop checking the internet history, but it’s like an addiction and I’m finding it hard to stop. I WANT to stop. I’d imagine you WANT to stop. Who wants to live like this? I’ve done it for close to 10 years! It’s exhausting. 

So, this is where I think we’re both at Maj. I think we both need to either accept our spouses for who they are, what they are and what they’ve done, or move on. Neither of us can continue living in this way. We’re both waiting for the other shoe to drop…..but what neither of us seems to realize is, if it’s gonna drop, it’s gonna drop and any amount of monitoring isn’t going to change it.


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

MAJDEATH said:


> Not true. There's that manipulative posting again. "You're asking questions, so you know there's a big problem with your wife." Are you trying to convince me there is a problem, when there is no proof to date? Does that make you feel better somehow?


You basically have 24/7 realtime surveillance on your wife's phone and immediately start looking into a guy that she does business with after his contact data is entered into her phone. You use GPS to verify her whereabouts, drive by and call her to see if she is where her phone is.
Could be that there is no problem with your wife, could be that the problem is with you.

In a "normal" trustfull relationship this thing would not have escalated to this extent because she would have told you that she got the number of a store manager that gives her better discounts than the owner and that would have been it. Or it would not even be a discussion because it's normal to have business contacts and exchange phone numbers with business partners. There would be no surveillance and there would not have been a husband that would check out the kid immediately after he knows of his existence.

So why did you post here if there is no problem (with you, your wife and your relationship)? Because you did not know if you should be concerned but then you shoot down every comment that points out possible concern by presenting evidence or explanations. You did not need advice about evidence gathering, you just have to wait for the evidence of innocence or guilt to come in or you already had it. Did you just need to reassure yourself by reading your own comments that there is nothing to be concerned about? So why involve people who know less of your situation than you do and only validate opinions and interpretations that suit your narrative anyway (that you have such a good marriage full of trust)?

Your statements and your actions just don't match up. It's not a problem that you are checking her when you doubt her fidelity but don't be delusional and think you trust her so much when a business contact throws you into stealth P.I. mode with surveillance and basically following her. You don't trust her that much.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> @MAJDEATH ….. you know I was a cheater. You’ve seen my story, so I am coming at this from a totally different angle. I get your need to verify and check.
> 
> I’ve done this to my husband for YEARS. Checking to see if there’s been contact with the ex gf, checking to see if he looked at porn and deleted the history, reading his texts to see if there was anything there, when we were separated under the same roof and he would go out, I would check his pockets, smell his shirts.
> 
> ...


Wow, 10 years! That's excessive I think (IMO). I just added this software about a week ago, and until I was told the story about the kid in the store, I didn't think to try it out. But the more I look at it, the more I realize it looks like nothing is there, so I will end the thread soon, and go back to non-monitoring mode.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

TX-SC said:


> Majdeath,
> Could you verify something for me (and perhaps a few other posters)? Has there been another thread somewhere that you have posted indicating your wife has cheated in the past? Some of the posts in this thread seem to indicate that cheating is nothing new for her. Is that true? Have there been other instances? I apologize for asking, but I don't come here every day so I probably missed something.
> 
> In a standard marriage, with no history of cheating, your wife really has done nothing wrong. Maybe she should not be so flirty, but it's pretty minor in general. Now, if she has a history of cheating, that's a different story.
> ...



Short summary:
W had EA with co-worker back in '00-'01
I dropped D papers, we continued to live as roommates pending D, she then stepped up to PA/LTR with OM
9-11 happened, and I got deployed 3 times back to back
After OM moved away, W had follow-on relationships with 3 OM (unknown to me), but would try to rekindle us during my short time back between deployments
W dropped all OM from '05-'06, to work on herself
I had EA in '05, and a ONS
R in '06
Was finally told about OM2/3/4 in '15

Hope this helps.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

You've only been monitoring a week? Why now?


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

MAJDEATH said:


> Short summary:
> W had EA with co-worker back in '00-'01
> I dropped D papers, we continued to live as roommates pending D, she then stepped up to PA/LTR with OM
> 9-11 happened, and I got deployed 3 times back to back
> ...


Okay, well that makes sense then. What has she done since the last affair to show she has changed significantly? Given her obvious history of cheating, it seems like the rest of your marriage will be full of distrust. Lots of wondering what she is up to now to contend with. 

I guess, given this info, you need to keep up the spy game. You married someone with a lot of issues.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> Not true. There's that manipulative posting again. "You're asking questions, so you know there's a big problem with your wife." Are you trying to convince me there is a problem, when there is no proof to date? Does that make you feel better somehow?


My bad. I took the below part of your opening post literally. In the future, I'll try to remember you express yourself metaphorically and not taken seriously.



MAJDEATH said:


> Should I be concerned?


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

MAJ ~

I haven't read your previous threads (apparently you go back a few years on TAM) but I read this recent thread.

You must be absolutely exhausted living the life you live. My first thought was, OMG, how many years have been taken off this guy's life acting as a Full Time Private Investigator to keep an eye on his wife's shenanigans. 

It was exhausting to read your posts. 
Please, don't waste another second of your life being this tormented. 

Good Luck to you.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> I am trying to be open to the views expressed on TAM, but lately it just seems that every concern means she is full-on cheating and that I should call the divorce lawyer. It just seems that several long-term posters really just want to push unfounded positions in the hope that the marriage falls apart. Granted, there may be some yellow flags here, but that just means there is equal likelihood that it's nothing.


I disagree on the yellow flag part. They are definitely red flags. I can honestly say I don't know one single serial cheater male or female that stops altogether. They can straighten out here and there for a period of time when confronted, or if their guilt builds up, but not permanently. If you're married to someone like that, no point in monitoring them if you plan on staying the relationship. 

Either accept that you are pretty much in an open marriage without consent (which isn't advisable for you), or get divorced. Monitoring will drive you crazy. I think this is why you're getting the responses you're getting. If you continue to monitor a woman like your wife, you will continue to find things. Catching her isn't going to make it stop.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

You last 4 posters are utterly and completely inaccurate in your assessments. I just obtained the monitoring software about a week ago, but thought I might turn it on and try it out after the W told me about an overly friendly store clerk. Turns out there is nothing there so I am turning it back off. There is zero mistrust.

This is not an "open marriage" and I don't need to monitor her. And she was never a serial cheater. She had adult relationships when we were separated, pending D, and so did I. Even if she was a serial cheater, can people not change? I don't know what the studies show--what percentage of cheaters cheat again. Depends on if they find the right partner I suppose. 

Based on your forum names, I can only assume you guys were cheated on and left by your wives. The scorn and resentment you must feel comes thru in your posts to others. You should be encouraging to others who have found success, not scornful. Hopefully one day you can work it out with your covenant spouse and get back together. I hope you find peace and happiness in your lives. 

I have no reason not to trust her after the last 10 years of wedded bliss. Our only disagreement is on what to advise others about coming clean after an A. She believes that if a person ends the A, works on improving themselves, demonstrates true remorse and re-commitment to the M, apologizes, no contact, and is transparent with all parts of daily life, that is sufficient. I am not so sure that a full confession of infidelity is not in order, but at the right time. We agree to disagree. 

I asked her last night about spouses monitoring each other. She indicated she has no issues with this. "If you are innocent, then you should have nothing to hide and not care if he monitors your daily life. Have a look if it makes you feel better."


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> You last 4 posters are utterly and completely inaccurate in your assessments. I just obtained the monitoring software about a week ago, but thought I might turn it on and try it out after the W told me about an overly friendly store clerk. Turns out there is nothing there so I am turning it back off. There is zero mistrust.
> 
> Based on your forum names, I can only assume you guys were cheated on and left by your wives. The scorn and resentment you must feel comes thru in your posts to others. You should be encouraging to others who have found success, not scornful. Hopefully one day you can work it out with your covenant spouse and get back together. I hope you find peace and happiness in your lives.
> 
> I have no reason not to trust her after the last 10 years of wedded bliss. Our only disagreement is on what to advise others about coming clean after an A. She believes that if a person ends the A, works on improving themselves, demonstrates true remorse and re-commitment to the M, apologizes, no contact, and is transparent with all parts of daily life, that is sufficient. I am not so sure that a full confession of infidelity is not in order, but at the right time. We agree to disagree.


Well.....how are people supposed to know that everything is fine in your relationship based on the title of the thread and the contents of the first post? Its not too far of a leap to assume that you felt threatened by her interaction with "the kid". Its also easy to assume that your wife loves attention by the way you described it. 

I don't think these folks are scornful at all when it comes to this thread. The picture that was initially painted by you is the reason you got the advice you got. 

I'm not someone who has been cheated on, but I don't think that really matters for this scenario. I think most men would advise you the same. The reason I can't wish you success in this relationship is the same reason I can't ignore a man smoking cigarettes while pumping gas. I don't think you would have ever even installed the software if you really had no worries at all.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I've been happily married for 20 years and there has been no cheating by either of us. Yes, I have been cheated on in the past, but not by my wife. So no, I don't have any resentment that I am projecting on you. Your last sentence in my quote above "Was finally told about OM 2, 3, 4 in 2015" and the fact that you stated you only had one ONS in that time led me to believe that these were affairs. If that is not correct, then I apologize. 

I'm not sure what you want from us but we've been trying to answer in the best way we can. If you trust your wife, why have you been spying on her and why are you posting on this thread asking for advice on whether she is about to cheat? If my wife told me some kid at the local store hit on her, I damn sure wouldn't be setting up monitoring equipment on her. I trust her judgement 100 percent. 

It doesn't SOUND like you trust her. If you monitor her every time a guy hits on her, that's a pretty big deal.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

TX-SC said:


> I've been happily married for 20 years and there has been no cheating by either of us. Yes, I have been cheated on in the past, but not by my wife. So no, I don't have any resentment that I am projecting on you. Your last sentence in my quote above "Was finally told about OM 2, 3, 4 in 2015" and the fact that you stated you only had one ONS in that time led me to believe that these were affairs. If that is not correct, then I apologize.
> 
> I'm not sure what you want from us but we've been trying to answer in the best way we can. If you trust your wife, why have you been spying on her and why are you posting on this thread asking for advice on whether she is about to cheat? If my wife told me some kid at the local store hit on her, I damn sure wouldn't be setting up monitoring equipment on her. I trust her judgement 100 percent.
> 
> It doesn't SOUND like you trust her. If you monitor her every time a guy hits on her, that's a pretty big deal.


This entirely.

Getting hit on or flirted with is honestly everyday life stuff. So long as you don't take it further.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

MAJDEATH said:


> You last 4 posters are utterly and completely inaccurate in your assessments. I just obtained the monitoring software about a week ago, but thought I might turn it on and try it out after the W told me about an overly friendly store clerk. Turns out there is nothing there so I am turning it back off. There is zero mistrust.
> 
> This is not an "open marriage" and I don't need to monitor her. And she was never a serial cheater. She had adult relationships when we were separated, pending D, and so did I. Even if she was a serial cheater, can people not change? I don't know what the studies show--what percentage of cheaters cheat again. Depends on if they find the right partner I suppose.
> 
> ...


MAJ ~
I am one of the "last 4 posters" and I certainly did not mean to upset you. I must have misunderstood your thread. I also may have misinterpreted some aspects of your thread however I maintain my belief that you seem troubled and insecure in your marriage. 
VH


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> This is so foreign to me.  How do you find happiness in your own life, living like this?
> 
> You deserve better. Your inability to believe that, is the problem.


He is military. It is in his blood. He loves the chase, the capture or the death of his adversaries. Instead of a high powered rifle he uses his wits, VAR's, phone and puter-snoopers, PI's and snares. 

I am retired military, I know the drill. There are Hunters and Gatherers on our planet. Most of the hunters are in God-Forsaken crap holes. The rest are employed by governments [military] and states as [police, Feds, PI's]

The Gatherers hold the fort down. Those that don't suck the system dry.


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## Kobold (Dec 5, 2015)

MAJDEATH said:


> Based on your forum names, I can only assume you guys were cheated on and left by your wives. The scorn and resentment you must feel comes thru in your posts to others. You should be encouraging to others who have found success, not scornful. Hopefully one day you can work it out with your covenant spouse and get back together. I hope you find peace and happiness in your lives.


I'll never understand why people come to a public forum asking for other people's opinions on their situations then turn around and act passive aggressive when those opinions don't align with their own preexisting viewpoint. If you already know the score then why are you asking us for it?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

MAJDEATH said:


> I just obtained the monitoring software about a week ago, but thought I might turn it on and try it out after the W told me about an overly friendly store clerk. Turns out there is nothing there so I am turning it back off. There is zero mistrust.


I'm confused. With zero mistrust and nothing suspicious going on, why did you buy the software in the first place? How would you feel if you found out that your wife had placed similar software on your phone?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

His old lady brought this on her self...she has a choice.

That trust will never be the same and I'm guessing both OP and his chick have accepted it.

I know me and Mrs.the-guy have and those are the consequences we pay when you do dumb shyt in the marriage.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

You don't buy monitoring software if you trust someone. I’m not trying to beat you up! I monitor my husband. And I monitor him because I don’t trust him. He monitors me. Because he doesn’t trust me. 

If you need to monitor for peace of mind, then by all means do it. But don’t say there are no issues and then monitor. SOMETHING made you buy that monitoring software. That doesn’t mean you have to divorce or your wife is a POS or you’re crazy. It just means there’s SOMETHING there that’s not being dealt with correctly. Either by you or by her. Or both.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Maj I think the problem is that your threads are riddled with contradictions. 

10 years of wedded bliss? What? Except for that period when you and her were separated and she put herself out there like a cat in heat? 

Really? 

Someone posted a while ago to the affect that you are going to continue making excuses for your wife until you literally walk in on her one day doing a guy in your bedroom....and I agree with this.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Well said LH.

Hell if the old lady would just plant a GPS in my truck then she would know I'm turning onto the driveway and wouldn't need to call me for dinner.

Speaking of peace of mind....I'm looking at chastity belts cuz I'm just not that tech savvy when it come to all that tracking software.

The only problem is if I lose the key I'm phucked.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

This entirely.

Getting hit on or flirted with is honestly everyday life stuff. So long as you don't take it further.[/QUOTE]

And shut it down when it happens to let them know not to go there since the idiots are blind to the fact you have on a wedding band/ring.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> Maj I think the problem is that your threads are riddled with contradictions.
> 
> 10 years of wedded bliss? What? Except for that period when you and her were separated and she put herself out there like a cat in heat?
> 
> ...


The other relationships were prior to the last 10 yrs.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> You don't buy monitoring software if you trust someone. I?m not trying to beat you up! I monitor my husband. And I monitor him because I don?t trust him. He monitors me. Because he doesn?t trust me.
> 
> If you need to monitor for peace of mind, then by all means do it. But don?t say there are no issues and then monitor. SOMETHING made you buy that monitoring software. That doesn?t mean you have to divorce or your wife is a POS or you?re crazy. It just means there?s SOMETHING there that?s not being dealt with correctly. Either by you or by her. Or both.


OK, fine, I have times and triggers where I want to know something, like now. She said she was going to the grocery store about 4 hrs ago. So I hit 1 button on my phone and it shows she is there, so I'm good. Her ocd/adhd causes her to get "lost" in stores for hours, especially later in the day after her drugs wear off. She also may hit other stores on the way.
Trust, but verify makes for a happy, protected life.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

MAJDEATH said:


> OK, fine, I have times and triggers where I want to know something, like now. She said she was going to the grocery store about 4 hrs ago. So I hit 1 button on my phone and it shows she is there, so I'm good. Her ocd/adhd causes her to get "lost" in stores for hours, especially later in the day after her drugs wear off. She also may hit other stores on the way.
> Trust, but verify makes for a happy, protected life.


I GET it @MAJDEATH . I'm not saying what you're doing is wrong. If that's what gives you piece of mind, I understand. 

I monitor my husbands texts online. I asked him about a text yesterday and he said that the online monitoring had to stop. I told him he monitors mine (which I could care less about) so what was the difference? He said he hasn't monitored mine "in a while" (it's been 1 whole week since he's signed on to mine). 

I haven't found anything on his texts in a while so I don't think he's asking me not to monitor because he is hiding something, he's asking because he wants to feel trusted. We're a long way away from trusting each other, so I sent him the following text:

*You want
blind trust? You want me to not check your stuff? Then you better be prepared
to do a complete 180 when it comes to being honest and open. If I have
questions, then you better not shut me out when I need to talk. Stop deleting
your internet history, if I ask to look at your phone for ANY reason, you
better be willing to hand it over without a thought. If ANYTHING comes up about
her, including an innocent message from her mom, I want you to tell me about
it. And if you hear from her or contact her, I want to know immediately. And as
far as she’s concerned, she better damn well be pretty much invisible. I am not
comfortable with you looking at her facebook, her instagram, whatever it might
be. You better be prepared to cut her out of our life 110%. And you better be
prepared to stand up to her mom if she says one more time that she’s sad your marriage
didn’t split up. You stop by and see her mom? I wanna know. Her mom calls you
to chat? I wanna know. ANY other girl contacts you? I wanna know. And you
better be willing to prove, whatever way I need, that you’re in THIS 110% and
for the long haul. I don’t care if I need to hear it a hundred times. If that’s
what I need to be able to trust you, you should be willing to do it. If you
want blind trust…..then you better show that you’re worth giving it to. I’m not
interested in living a life of lies any more and I would hope to god you aren’t
interested in that either. But if you expect it, you better be willing to give
it as well. The difference is, I’m willing to do whatever it takes, whatever
you want, whatever you need, whatever you ask. I’ll be honest even when it
hurts. But don’t you dare ask me for blind trust if you’re not willing to be trustworthy.*

I'm fighting the urge to check his phone messages this morning. His phone was going off like crazy last night (but he had a baseball scrimmage so I'm sure it was just messages from the team and other coaches, they text in group messages that go crazy).

I'm not sure how I'll do without being able to verify. But like I said in another post - they are who they are. If they're gonna do it again, they're gonna do it again. We made the choice to stay, right? If we get burned again, we can't say we didn't lay down what we wanted and expected. If they're gonna do it again, they're gonna do it and we can't stop it. But if they aren't gonna do it again, I guess we have to try to trust the things they ARE doing to repair the past hurts.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

the guy said:


> .I'm looking at chastity belts cuz I'm just not that tech savvy when it come to all that tracking software.
> 
> The only problem is if I lose the key I'm phucked.


Nah, just have her goto the fire department to have them get it off like that one lady in Italy did.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Love the way you laid that down to your H @LosingHim You go Girl...


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

Wow, how do you all do it? I am finding it very difficult and I really hate it.

That's why I decided to call it quits, I did the VAR, the key logger, the snooping on phone calls, text messages, email, etc.....

Thankfully(I guess), I haven't found anything but I'm going to stop and just walk away, I don't know how you all can keep this up, it's completely unnerving. I would rather be single and lonely, than to live like this, for another minute. 

Good luck to you all, I hope it works out for you. 

God Bless!


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Love the way you laid that down to your H @LosingHim You go Girl...


No more Mrs. Nice Girl.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

:smthumbup:

Smack dat azz!! :whip: HAHA!!



LosingHim said:


> No more Mrs. Nice Girl.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Blossom Leigh said:


> :smthumbup:
> 
> Smack dat azz!! :whip: HAHA!!


I didn't say one more word about it. I went and got my hair done after work (I got it done last week but they had to fix a couple things) and he had a baseball scrimmage) so we both got home about 8:30 but I got home a few minutes before he did. I could tell he was wary when he walked through the door because he thought I was going to be pissed.

I walked up and gave him a hug and a kiss and we went on about the night. In the past I would've tried to talk it to death. But this time I've decided, I set my boundary - break it and pay the price. 

No more chasing him to do the right thing, begging him to do the right thing. He's a big boy and knows right from wrong. Those are my needs for trust. Take care of them or you lose the trust again. The rest is up to him.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

LosingHim said:


> I didn't say one more word about it. I went and got my hair done after work (I got it done last week but they had to fix a couple things) and he had a baseball scrimmage) so we both got home about 8:30 but I got home a few minutes before he did. I could tell he was wary when he walked through the door because he thought I was going to be pissed.
> 
> I walked up and gave him a hug and a kiss and we went on about the night. In the past I would've tried to talk it to death. But this time I've decided, I set my boundary - break it and pay the price.
> 
> No more chasing him to do the right thing, begging him to do the right thing. He's a big boy and knows right from wrong. Those are my needs for trust. Take care of them or you lose the trust again. The rest is up to him.


Omg... girl.. I think you just gave me an O!


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Omg... girl.. I think you just gave me an O!


LOL! Now have a cigarette. :rofl:


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

LosingHim said:


> LOL! Now have a cigarette. :rofl:


hAHA! I believe I will... that was a HARD earned O!


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Omg... girl.. I think you just gave me an O!


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

LOL!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Slow Hand said:


> Wow, how do you all do it? I am finding it very difficult and I really hate it.
> 
> That's why I decided to call it quits, I did the VAR, the key logger, the snooping on phone calls, text messages, email, etc.....
> 
> ...


You may well be one of the healthiest BHs we have had on TAM in a long, long time.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Slow Hand said:


> Wow, how do you all do it? I am finding it very difficult and I really hate it.
> 
> That's why I decided to call it quits, I did the VAR, the key logger, the snooping on phone calls, text messages, email, etc.....
> 
> ...


QFT


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Maj. Simply eyes open. It will become evident something is more than yellow alert if she keeps going to what should likely be a project. When the project is done the boy should disappear. If not then its more than yellow alert.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

the guy said:


> Well said LH.
> 
> Hell if the old lady would just plant a GPS in my truck then she would know I'm turning onto the driveway and wouldn't need to call me for dinner.
> 
> ...


Huh? No, you got that backwards. Think about it.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

MAJDEATH said:


> I am trying to be open to the views expressed on TAM, but lately it just seems that every concern means she is full-on cheating and that I should call the divorce lawyer. It just seems that several long-term posters really just want to push unfounded positions in the hope that the marriage falls apart. Granted, there may be some yellow flags here, but that just means there is equal likelihood that it's nothing.


I agree with OP that it is strange how the black and white thinking leads to premature judgement. I looked for facts that justify this but see none sofar. OP is right to be on his guard and watch for facts.

I do no agree with you, OP, on the likelyhood that something is wrong. The statistics are against you. But you cannot judge a person on statistics, so there has to be some monitoring done, the TAM crowd just has to wait for any conclusions can be formed in this case.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Slow Hand said:


> Wow, how do you all do it? I am finding it very difficult and I really hate it.
> 
> That's why I decided to call it quits, I did the VAR, the key logger, the snooping on phone calls, text messages, email, etc.....
> 
> ...


You should post your story. We would like to read it. 

But I applaud you SH. No spouse can call themselves a loving spouse when they deliberately cause their loved one suspicion and anxiety. If she is refusing to stop the behavior that has you losing sleep, then you do have a reason to end the marriage. 

Let us know how it goes.


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> You should post your story. We would like to read it.
> 
> But I applaud you SH. No spouse can call themselves a loving spouse when they deliberately cause their loved one suspicion and anxiety. If she is refusing to stop the behavior that has you losing sleep, then you do have a reason to end the marriage.
> 
> Let us know how it goes.


Well, I really wish I could accurately share my story with you guys. I had written down everything and in the process of being convinced to rug sweep..... err, I mean, getting back together, I deleted everything to work on our marriage.

This is before I found TAM and unfortunately I did everything in the book that I'm not supposed to do. The pick me dance, the begging and pleading, rug sweeping and deleting my journal yeah, not proud of myself. 

Fortunately the behavior stopped shortly after I confronted her and threatened to tell everyone we know, another mistake I know as I didn't have any tangible evidence and may have drove it further under ground. 

I'm convinced that it stopped, whatever it was, but the rug sweeping has taken it's toll on me. She refuses any type of counseling and shifts the blame on me. 

I do appreciate you Bandit, thank you and everyone else for yours and their time. :smile2:

Oh yeah, every time I see your user name I think of you as Bandit from Smokey and the Bandit, ha ha.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Slow Hand said:


> Well, I really wish I could accurately share my story with you guys. I had written down everything and in the process of being convinced to rug sweep..... err, I mean, getting back together, I deleted everything to work on our marriage.
> 
> This is before I found TAM and unfortunately I did everything in the book that I'm not supposed to do. The pick me dance, the begging and pleading, rug sweeping and deleting my journal yeah, not proud of myself.
> 
> ...


What happened to "I'd rather be single and lonely than to live like this for another minute"?


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

TDSC60 said:


> What happened to "I'd rather be single and lonely than to live like this for another minute"?


Sir, that ship is still on course. :smile2:


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Personally, I don't see anything wrong with checking up on a spouse from time to time, or turning on some monitoring software for a couple days, then turning it of if you find nothing. It shows you care and are concerned enough to verify.

Those that do nothing don't care and are emotionally checked-out of the marriage, IMO.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

MAJDEATH said:


> Personally, I don't see anything wrong with checking up on a spouse from time to time, or turning on some monitoring software for a couple days, then turning it of if you find nothing. It shows you care and are concerned enough to verify.
> 
> Those that do nothing don't care and are emotionally checked-out of the marriage, IMO.


I really just can't agree with that. I don't monitor my wife's location nor would I want to. She has never given me a reason to question her. Nor have I given her a reason to question me. I love my wife dearly and have been happily married for 20 years. Never in that time have I monitored her. I have used her phone, and she mine. We have an open policy in that regard. But, I don't monitor her. I'm definitely not "emotionally checked out" of my marriage. I simply choose to trust her.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Naw, don't define people with trust as checked out of a marriage. That sounds like you trying to justify your behavior. I never checked up on my wife until, she gave me reason to doubt. I laid down the law and she understands if I find ANYTHING I dislike I walk. I no longer check or monitor and it has nothing to do with checking out of the marriage. Monitoring is for security agents and LEOS and does not belong in a working marriage IMO.

If get in your position I am out, I'm not spending pages or my real life time justifying why my wife is honest and other nonsense like continued monitoring.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Correction: those that do nothing (when your gut is telling you something is not right) don't care if something is happening. Ignorance is bliss.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

All quiet on the western front.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> Correction: those that do nothing (when your gut is telling you something is not right) don't care if something is happening. Ignorance is bliss.


It is not this cut and dry. If you have concrete proof maybe, not a gut feeling. Threads go hundreds of posts with the OP and other posters swearing up and down "it isn't that bad." People ignore gut feelings all of the time and not just with infidelity. In no way does it mean they do not care or are checked out. If someone has built up trust you tend to believe you are jealous, you are mistaken or you are over analyzing a situation.Trust and love are hard things to overcome.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

MAJDEATH said:


> Correction: those that do nothing (when your gut is telling you something is not right) don't care if something is happening. Ignorance is bliss.


When your gut is telling you something is not right, two things could be true..

1.) Something is not right.
2.) Your gut is wrong.

Snooping and finding nothing doesn't really resolve anything. Either possibility can still be true.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Hopefully this will be the last post on this thread, as the construction project is nearly complete. She went to the store to purchase the last bit of materials, and the kid was working. The owner was there also, and she still got her usual discounts plus some free items. The bill was close to $1000 usd. I asked if everything went OK, and all was fine except when he was helping her load up the materials. She said it one point he leaned into her from the side and smiled with the last load. She told him she was married and not interested, so he better knock it off, which he did. She then left.

I don't know why she needs to tell me these things, is it just to make me jealous or what? I told her it was simple salesmanship (except for the touching) to get middle-aged women excited because some 20-something guy stroked their ego and vanity, and they keep coming back to buy more things.

She won't be going back, at least not without me. She says the owner kinda does the same thing, but not as well because he is much older and his wife and daughter also work at the store.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MAJDEATH said:


> Hopefully this will be the last post on this thread, as the construction project is nearly complete. She went to the store to purchase the last bit of materials, and the kid was working. The owner was there also, and she still got her usual discounts plus some free items. The bill was close to $1000 usd. I asked if everything went OK, and all was fine except when he was helping her load up the materials. She said it one point he leaned into her from the side and smiled with the last load. She told him she was married and not interested, so he better knock it off, which he did. She then left.
> 
> *I don't know why she needs to tell me these things,* is it just to make me jealous or what? I told her it was simple salesmanship (except for the touching) to get middle-aged women excited because some 20-something guy stroked their ego and vanity, and they keep coming back to buy more things.
> 
> She won't be going back, at least not without me. She says the owner kinda does the same thing, but not as well because he is much older and his wife and daughter also work at the store.


Because, as your wife, she feels that she should.

After all, if you found out about it from the wannabe OM, ("She wants to be with me, dude! I can make her happy!" etc...) how would that be?

Ugly. As ugly as *this*, but on steroids and LSD


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Because, as your wife, she feels that she should.
> 
> After all, if you found out about it from the wannabe OM, ("She wants to be with me, dude! I can make her happy!" etc...) how would that be?
> 
> Ugly. As ugly as *this*, but on steroids and LSD


Oh man....I love _Father Ted. _ Best sitcom ever!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Oh man....I love _Father Ted. _ Best sitcom ever!


My wife is a Catholic. She would agree with you on it being the best Sit com ever. I love it, too.:smthumbup:

We have the entire series on DVD.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> My wife is a Catholic. She would agree with you on it being the best Sit com ever. I love it, too.:smthumbup:
> 
> We have the entire series on DVD.


Yeah it was so sad when the lead actor died suddenly. I actually have the CD collection of the series.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Yeah it was so sad when the lead actor died suddenly. I actually have the CD collection of the series.


That was sad.

Sadly the actor Frank Kelly who played Father Jack died at the end of February. 
Frank Kelly death: Tributes paid to 'Father Jack' actor - BBC News


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I love British TV.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

MAJDEATH said:


> I don't know why she needs to tell me these things...


Because you're willing to listen to her drivel about other men.



MAJDEATH said:


> is it just to make me jealous or what?


Yep.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> MAJDEATH said:
> 
> 
> > I don't know why she needs to tell me these things...
> ...


So what would you recommend? If she starts talking about it I should stop her and say "I don't want to hear your stupid stories anymore".


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Come on now, is it really that hard to talk with your wife and say it is unaccpetable?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

I would be much more worried about his W saying nothing to MAJDEATH. We can all cope with the truth eventually, but lies or even omissions are much more dangerous.

Tamat


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

MAJDEATH said:


> So what would you recommend? If she starts talking about it I should stop her and say "I don't want to hear your stupid stories anymore".


Ask her why she thinks she keeps finding herself in these situations. Then ask her why she encourages it by giving them her phone number. Seriously, your wife seems to enjoy the attention at your expense. Where are your boundaries? Why do you keep passively encouraging this type of behaviour? Your wife is a serial cheater who sees nothing wrong with flirting and giving out her information to other men. Sadly you are going to be in for more heartbreak if you don't start standing up for your marriage. 

There seems to be a lot of unresolved issues with your wife's past infidelities. You need to work on those because from my view of her behaviour both currently and previous, she's a ticking time bomb. No spouse is so hot they are worth your self respect.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

MAJDEATH said:


> Hopefully this will be the last post on this thread, as the construction project is nearly complete. She went to the store to purchase the last bit of materials, and the kid was working. The owner was there also, and she still got her usual discounts plus some free items. The bill was close to $1000 usd. I asked if everything went OK, and all was fine except when he was helping her load up the materials. She said it one point he leaned into her from the side and smiled with the last load. She told him she was married and not interested, so he better knock it off, which he did. She then left.
> 
> I don't know why she needs to tell me these things, is it just to make me jealous or what? I told her it was simple salesmanship (except for the touching) to get middle-aged women excited because some 20-something guy stroked their ego and vanity, and they keep coming back to buy more things.
> 
> She won't be going back, at least not without me. She says the owner kinda does the same thing, but not as well because he is much older and his wife and daughter also work at the store.


lol Your wife is a narcissist. That is what you are married to. Please read about it, she is a text book case of it. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if this is a huge and wild exaggeration on her part, because narcissists LOVE drama. I mean, truly love it. They would rather be adored by many than loved by one, and your wife honestly thinks men everyyyyywhere are adoring her. lol I dated a guy once just like her, only male. Narcissists are incredibly insecure people and feel the need to constantly seek attention...

Most likely, the true story is...the young guy is being nice to her, and she has blown it waaaayyyy out of proportion, because she needs to. Not saying it's impossible, but if he is flirting, she is flirting back. Another reality of narcissism...they are not faithful to ANYONE. But if you honestly think this young hot guy is endless trying to gain your wife's attention, and she is totally ignoring his advances...you must be the most naive man on earth. Either it's an exaggeration, or she is straight up encouraging it. Guys in general, don't continuously hit on women week after week, whom they feel are completely not interested. HIGHLY doubt this guy is all over her as she claims, lol You should follow her, just to see what REALLY is happening. Wouldn't it be funny if nothing is happening, and she has been making all of this up to make you jealous? (another narcissist trait)

You have to want to improve your own life, and you really either should get your wife serious help, or leave her, because this will keep happening, because she is a narcissist. That is why it keeps happening.

As a side note, what makes her a narcissist isn't that she's getting hit on, (if that is true) ...it's that she feels the need to tell you about allllll these men falling all over her. Do you ever have women flirt with you? I have guys flirt with me. I'm sure you have women flirt with you from time to time...do you race home to tell your wife all about it? Probably not. Plus you probably shut it down, like I shut it down. 

She likes thinking that she is in demand by all these men, it's sad in a way, really. Narcissism is a disorder for a reason. It's not something that honestly can be cured, although it can be managed, if the person is willing to change. Your wife likes the drama she brings into your home.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MAJDEATH said:


> So what would you recommend? If she starts talking about it I should stop her and say "I don't want to hear your stupid stories anymore".


Start whistling theme tunes from old TV cartoon shows and dance at the same time.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MAJDEATH said:


> So what would you recommend? If she starts talking about it I should stop her and say "I don't want to hear your stupid stories anymore".


Pull out a Hustler mag and start jerking off. See how she reacts to that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Pull out a Hustler mag and start jerking off. See how she reacts to that.


Or spray rancid fish oil in her knicker drawer?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> Pull out a Hustler mag and start jerking off. See how she reacts to that.


Narcissists are very good at their games, if you play with one, using their methods, you'll lose.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

My ex husband didn't want to hear if I got hit on. My current husband wants to know.

Since my ex husband told me he didn't want to hear it, I stopped telling him and assumed all men were like that. So I didn't tell my current husband. When in fact, it pissed him off and made him feel like I was hiding things!

So honestly, just BE HONEST. Something along the lines of "babe, I know you're hot stuff. Men are gonna hit on you. While it (maybe) makes me feel good when I see a guy checking you out, cause you're MINE, I'd really rather not hear about it all the time unless it's inappropriate".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

*Deidre* said:


> Narcissists are very good at their games, if you play with one, using their methods, you'll lose.


Kind of like George Carlin "Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience"


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> Narcissists are very good at their games, if you play with one, using their methods, you'll lose.


You're probably right.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> So what would you recommend? If she starts talking about it I should stop her and say "I don't want to hear your stupid stories anymore".


Unless you want to keep hearing this crap, that's pretty close to what you should say. Or you can add, "unless you feel threatened, I don't want to hear it. So you handle it. The next time you tell me, it means you can't handle it and you and I are going over to give bastard a talkin-to."
You allow yourself to get jerked around too much my man.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I think she just wants me to know that other men find her attractive (or she thinks they do, not sure). I don't know what that means, psychologically. Perhaps she wants me to know that if I were to leave her or stop treating her right, that she has other options. Or maybe she is flattered, but knows it is not real (she will say "he must like fat girls" or "it was because of my tight fitting shirt"). Mixed messages.

I believe that she also engages in the back and forth of a conversation to spark a response, so she is not blameless. And the giving out her contact information should be curtailed as well.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

MAJDEATH said:


> I think she just wants me to know that other men find her attractive (or she thinks they do, not sure). I don't know what that means, psychologically. Perhaps she wants me to know that if I were to leave her or stop treating her right, that she has other options. Or maybe she is flattered, but knows it is not real (she will say "he must like fat girls" or "it was because of my tight fitting shirt"). Mixed messages.
> 
> I believe that she also engages in the back and forth of a conversation to spark a response, so she is not blameless. And the giving out her contact information should be curtailed as well.


Wanting you to know that other men find her attractive shows that she is insecure. The best response is to reassure her. Anything else just makes it worse. If you don't want to hear about it, you could say something like, "Honey, you don't have to tell me that other men find you attractive. Of course they do! I just don't want to hear about it unless you feel threatened and need my help."


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

MAJDEATH said:


> I believe that she also engages in the back and forth of a conversation to spark a response, so she is not blameless. And the giving out her contact information should be curtailed as well.


Wait a second. She flirts with dudes and gives them her contact info?


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Acoa said:


> MAJDEATH said:
> 
> 
> > I believe that she also engages in the back and forth of a conversation to spark a response, so she is not blameless. And the giving out her contact information should be curtailed as well.
> ...


Sometimes, mostly store managers when she is looking for certain products or discounts.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

MAJDEATH said:


> Sometimes, mostly store managers when she is looking for certain products or discounts.


Female and male? or just the males?

I've only ever given my number to a store manager once. And that was a liquor store that specialized in hunting for specialty micro brews. Still waiting to here if they get anymore Sam Adams Honey Queen into stock. 

If she is doing this on a regular basis and mainly with just males, ugh.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Acoa said:


> MAJDEATH said:
> 
> 
> > Sometimes, mostly store managers when she is looking for certain products or discounts.
> ...


Most of the large home improvement stores have male department managers.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

MAJDEATH said:


> Most of the large home improvement stores have male department managers.


And they're usually dumbasses.


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