# Think I'm Nuts?



## damnnonamesleft (Nov 14, 2011)

Hi all, I'm sitting here today because I need some answers or advice before my head explodes.

I have cut out a lot of stuff in this story because it's not relevant btw.

I have issues with a close friend of hubbys. We had an arguement over my moods (something major had just happened in my life and I was upset - he thought I was just having issues with this woman - wtf). He brought her name up and my issue with her when the reason I was upset was completely different. I thought that was bizarre and very uncalled for so I did some investigating.. We have each others passwords etc and (usually) hide nothing from each other... There was an email in the deleted folder that was from her with stupid winky faces and it starting off "hi babe". It was to do with a social email that he had put out as a group email and when I asked him to forward it to me so I could get numbers and times from people, for the last few days he has been very "oh yeah i'll get to that" (not like him) and then today he all of a sudden couldn't find it. (he had permanently deleted it) but managed to recall every person that RSVP'd and the times they'd be there (also not like him as his memory sucks.) Now he will always tell me that I am being ridiculous about this woman but can't tell me that he would never go there, he can't give me reasons why i'm being so silly and now this hidden email. Sure it may be nothing BUT if you have nothing to hide...... why are you hiding something?
help please?


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## damnnonamesleft (Nov 14, 2011)

oh gosh, I brought up that he has been a bit funny with forwarding the email and now he is really angry with me and telling me how i don't trust him etc... I never said anything that pointed the finger... is this a sign of guilt? or am i just being silly?


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

It is a sign of guilt, but not deffinitive.

You admit to having issues with this woman, so Id suggest being cool for a while and try to get into an objective state of mind before further analysis on your part.

That being said there are red flags galore in your post.

The email she sent with winky faces and "hi Babe" could mean any number of things, so I wouldnt jump off the deep end over it.

Some women are just flirty. As a man, I do limit how much I let other women flirt with me, but it can be a challenge. As a loving Husband it is possible to enjoy the attention of another woman without it becoming anything more. Again, Yes, that does sound wrong, and I admit as much in the beginning of the paragraph, but it does happen as we are all human. We all enjoy the attention of others in every capacities.
Can you be more specific on this quote:

*"He brought her name up and my issue with her when the reason I was upset was completely different"*


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## damnnonamesleft (Nov 14, 2011)

Someone close to me passed away and i was quiet and to myself trying to deal with it in my head....
He sent me an email saying something along the lines of "you're just being ridiculous about this issue with *whatshername*" - he thought that is why i was upset.
I never said anything about her and he had sent this email to me the same day as she sent him that one.... thats why i started getting a bit suspicious..

oh and my issue is that they are waaay too flirty and "touchy feely"


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Do you regularly communicate with your husband through email? I dont agree with him sending you that email, and feel its another red flag. A green flag would have been if he conversed with you in person about the situation. Face to Face, not hiding behind a computer.... Men... Whatya gonna do...

If you have been ranting and raving about their touchy, flirty relationship, I could understand why he would make an assumption like this assuming he is innocent.

However if you are fairly civil in your dislike of it, and dont nag your hubbys ear off over it, then his assumption would be yet another red flag. A bigger one.


Speaking specifically about this issue you are having, you need to protect yourself and set a solid boundary with consequences and let your husband know it.


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## damnnonamesleft (Nov 14, 2011)

.... in some ways its good to hear that I am not being psycho or unreasonable etc.. but it's hard to hear that i may actually be right with the gut feelings i get.

I definitely don't rant and carry on about it, I don't see the point in getting all pissy and snarly. If it comes up somehow, I will always try to COMMUNICATE with him. (big emphasis on the communicate because people tell me time and time again that it is the key to a great relationship) and work through it calmly with him, though that never works because he gets angry and defensive 99.99% of the time (another reason is get suspicious). So I'm not sure why he can't just talk to me about it civilly without flying off the handle. as i said... if theres nothing to hide.....

oh and yes, he's not the best of communicators. he's much easier to do that with via email/text etc.
in person he shuts down.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

In person I shut down too!!!!! Some guys are terrible with emotional stress.

Based on personal experience in regards to the shuting down, I can tell you that *getting angry and defensive is part of shutting down.* That doesnt mean he is hiding anything.. It doesnt mean he is innocent, either.

Helpful, eh?

Based on all of this I still highly suggest that you need to tell him what kind of behaviour you will not tolerate, and tell him the consequences. 

The fact that it makes you uncomfortable is enough evidence that their relationship needs to change/stop in a way that makes you comfortable. This is the point that really matters. You have a right to be happy and comfortable and if someone in your life is dampering it, you need to deal with it or cut them out, otherwise you have only yourself to blame. 

Deal with it before it deals with you.


P.S. Communication isnt just the key to a great relationship, but also a *sucessful* one. Once you get over this hurdle, and assuming your still together, be patient with him and he will come around. Any type of negativity in regards to his poor communication skills and shutting down-ness... will only perpetuate this type of behaviour.


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