# it's 3:30 am is there any excuse to be out this late?



## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

My husband has a buddy who is recently seperated and he and another work buddy went out to celebrate his birthday. I told my husband I wasn't comfortable with him going because the man was newly seperated and I didnt want my husband to get influenced because this group is known to go to strip clubs etc. Now it is 3:30 am and bars close 1 or maybe 2am I am so disappointed and I feel he took advantage of my kind nature and let him go because I was tired this evening. Now it is going on 4am and I am ready to climb out of my skin I am so angry and disappointed. Opinions? He has pushed my limit yet again!!!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Isn't he contactable? If not - there's no excuse for that. This is a rule that my wife and I had before marriage actually and it carried on onto marriage. One of our good traits rather.

Still, my wife HATES it when I go for my wilderness rides however - cause I end up in places with no reception so I can lose myself hehe. I compromised by calling her whenever I get reception back otherwise she'll worry too much, which doesn't last longer than an hour or so.

I would say you need to have a chat with your husband about this.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

I bbm'ed him at 3am and he just messaged me back at 3:40 saying he is on his way. He says he closed the bar at 2 so why is he going to be home at 4? He said he drove his buddy home blah blah blah so that gets him to 2:30 so why did he leave his friends house at 3:30? The point is he knew I wasnt crazy about him going. He takes advantage of me!!!! He has an hour to explain to me when he gets home. Its cruel I dont do this to him.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

This man causes me alot of pain....


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Totally uncool. You need to set boundaries amd stick to them and going put till 4 am is a big boundary i would think. 

Im so sorry.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, you can let him explain, he needs to. Try to calm down though yeah? Just listen and observe, pretend to believe him, look for the cracks when he's less conscious of his words. Though of course he may slip more often when he's more tense - your choice, you know your husband. Extract the truth outta him.

Regardless, you two need to have a talk about this.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

In all probability, he and his friends were just having a natter together. Guys say that women can talk but, IME, men aren't that much different. 

However, your H is a married man and has to realize that he isn't free to party until the wee hours with his single friends, and strip clubs should definitely be out of the equation.

Talk to him as calmly as possible, OP, and set some firm boundaries for the future.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I have been in your shoes and feel your pain. I totally agree with twofaces.


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## Trojan John (Sep 30, 2011)

Did he say that he would be home at a specific time? Are you certain that he went to a strip club?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Not nice at all.

He should act as if understand that you would be worried sick, while he was out having fun at that hour.


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> In all probability, he and his friends were just having a natter together. Guys say that women can talk but, IME, men aren't that much different.
> 
> However, your H is a married man and has to realize that he isn't free to party until the wee hours with his single friends, and strip clubs should definitely be out of the equation.
> 
> Talk to him as calmly as possible, OP, and set some firm boundaries for the future.


It's very inconsiderate of him, but I have to agree with cosmos. Guys can talk.... Especially since the one just went through separation. It's entirely likely that a few drinks loosened up his buddy, and the guy started opening up about what he it's going through. Time can slip away in situations like that. I've had a conversation or three that were so engrossing that when I looked at the clock, I was astounded at how many hours had gone by.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

is this common ar is this just a one time deal. if its not common i wouldnt worry so much. so he blew it out a little, let off some party steam, you dont think there is any more to it do ya?

i would be pizzed at my wife for doing it, yeah, but i would get over it if it wasnt a regular thing


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Well if the bars are closed than there is only one other place he could be. Either eating fast food somewhere or he is at someones house

oh what about night clubs?


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> In all probability, he and his friends were just having a natter together. Guys say that women can talk but, IME, men aren't that much different.
> 
> However, your H is a married man and has to realize that he isn't free to party until the wee hours with his single friends, *and strip clubs should definitely be out of the equation.*
> 
> Talk to him as calmly as possible, OP, and set some firm boundaries for the future.


Why is that ? I don't know what they are like on your side of the pond, but they are actually the safest place to send your husband. It is fairly guaranteed he will not be leaving with any female companion. Can't say that about a regular bar or even a bowling alley.


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## SecondSkin (Dec 25, 2012)

humanbecoming said:


> It's very inconsiderate of him, but I have to agree with cosmos. Guys can talk.... Especially since the one just went through separation. It's entirely likely that a few drinks loosened up his buddy, and the guy started opening up about what he it's going through. Time can slip away in situations like that. I've had a conversation or three that were so engrossing that when I looked at the clock, I was astounded at how many hours had gone by.


Yea -- if this isn't something he does all the time, then I'd cut him some slack. IME, guys blab just as much -- and oftentimes MORE -- than women do. It could very well be he's just being a good friend to his buddy, and listening to him at a time when his friend needs it most. I think you'd appreciate a friend to "be there" for you if the need ever arose. 



StargateFan said:


> Why is that ? I don't know what they are like on your side of the pond, but they are actually the safest place to send your husband. It is fairly guaranteed he will not be leaving with any female companion. Can't say that about a regular bar or even a bowling alley.


Well, hopefully you didn't marry a man who would actually have relations with a stripper. It would likely cost him a fortune if he tried to! I agree that a strip club is actually a safe place for him to be with his buddy. And don't forget -- his buddy is going through a very tough time right now. I wouldn't let the setting bother you too much.


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## MysteryMan1 (Nov 4, 2012)

Well, did you get an explanation?


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

Yes apparently he and the guys closed the bar at 2:15 he was the DD so he had 1 beer while the others drank alot. He drove them back to a friends house where they had start...went in for another 45 min and then he left...leaving his three friends there. I asked why he couldnt have dropped friends off after the bar closed and then come home...he says they all wanted him to go into the house for more talks and drinks.... of which he had a half of a beer....just a really late night i want to believe him...just too late for my liking and something i wouldnt do to him.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

its kinda like me going out now and buying a $500 purse it would set him off if you know what I mean....boundaries that you have with eachother that shouldnt be crossed


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I would believe him. As other guys have said, I've been there with friends going through rough times. Sometimes guys don't want to check in with the wife as you can be teased pretty badly. Obviously, that's no excuse and he should have called to check in. I'm guessing he will if there is a next time.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

amanda1959 said:


> My husband has a buddy who is recently seperated and he and another work buddy went out to celebrate his birthday. I told my husband I wasn't comfortable with him going because the man was newly seperated and I didnt want my husband to get influenced because this group is known to go to strip clubs etc. Now it is 3:30 am and bars close 1 or maybe 2am I am so disappointed and I feel he took advantage of my kind nature and let him go because I was tired this evening. Now it is going on 4am and I am ready to climb out of my skin I am so angry and disappointed. Opinions? He has pushed my limit yet again!!!


Is there a history here of cheating? Do you have cause to be suspicious? Red flags? Signs?

As far as the general question about being out late, that totally depends on the marriage. There are no fast, and hard, "rules". I can stay out as late as I want, and my wife has the same freedom. We just have to let one another know, so the other isn't worried. So the idea of one of us "letting" the other go out till 3:30 in the morning doesn't exist for us.

But others marriages are different. Was this established before, that you'd both avoid staying out late? Or did you just assume that married people aren't "suppose" to stay out late, and assumed your husband just knew that?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

and he couldn't contact you with this information ahead of time because??

I don't like my partner staying out all night either but I can tell you not contacting me and not keeping me posted would be a huge problem.It's called a cell phone. use it.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

If I were a guessing man, I’d bet it was a relationship bash session with the boys. He’s being secretive because he doesn’t want you to know the extent of how badly he tarnished you to his friends. Sort of like when you girls go out and bash your husbands and their faults all night. “What did you talk about?” We know the “wrong” answer is repeating what was said; It would horrify you to know.

You could call each and every one of them to see if the stories match for the whereabouts. Even makeup a story about a lost credit card and that you’ve checked with “joe” and it wasn’t at his house and you are trying to track down where else he may of lost it. 

There is also no reason to ignore your calls.... The only excuse I can fathom is he was bashing and didn’t want to address the tug at his leash in front of his friends to remind himself that for all the chest beating, he still answers to you. 

At least in my life; This would be much closer to reality than me out hooking up with a divorced friend. Any reason to believe his friends would encourage affairs? Those also tend to flock together.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

amanda1959 said:


> I feel he took advantage of my kind nature and let him go because I was tired this evening.


Context is everything here. If he did not keep you apprised of his whereabouts, came home much later than he conveyed to you initially, well- that's just inconsiderate.

However, let me point your attention to a line that you wrote in OP. You say you "let him go." That phrase points to a horrible relationship dynamic for you two, if you seriously meant what you wrote. After all, he's a grown man. He doesn't need permission from you for one darn thing. Yes, you can set boundaries and there can be consequences within the relationship if he chooses to cross those boundaries. But he does not not (or should not) need your permission to go out with the boys. 

He is a grown man (I assume), capable of making his own choices in life. The only thing you control (or should control) is how you respond to the choices he makes. 

My mother gives me "permission" to do things. My wife does not. If you treat him as a mother would treat a child, he will learn to embrace the maturity of a boy in the confines of his relationship with you.


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