# How do you save it when he isn't sure that he wants to?



## lizzyblonde (Jul 21, 2010)

Hi everyone,

I am new to this board and I am desperately looking for answers. I have been trying to figure things out but I need help. Let me give you the background. My husband and I have been married for 10 1/2 years. We spent the first 7 years extremely happy. We have two beautiful little girls that we both adore. As you know, relationships change when you have children. I also had some personal issues that he helped me through during our entire marriage. He has been my best friend and I his for our entire marriage.

Things got pretty bad about 2 years ago between us and I started going out more with my "friends". I kissed one or two guys, but nothing further. My husband completely withdrew which made me go out more to try to get his attention. the more I tried to get his attention, the more he withdrew. I begged him to go to marriage counseling with me, but he wouldn't budge. Anyway, I made an awful mistake and slept with another man.

It gets worse. I told him about this other man that I was talking to on our 10 year anniversary. I did not tell him everything as I was trying to feel him out for a response. Which I got none. So still, he was not opening up to me. Finally after several days, it blew up and we did talk about it but I continued to lie to him because I did not want to lose him or my marriage. This was October of last year.

So, we tried to work on things and I was filled with guilt. I went to therapy on my own to try and help me deal with my guilt and my feelings of regret, etc. Things started to get a little better and in April/May of this year, I thought we were past all of this.

In the meantime, one of my "friends" began the process of divorcing her husband. I felt bad for her, so I spent more time with her as well as let her spend time with my husband. We even discussed a threesome at one point. I thought that it would help bring my husband and I closer if we experienced this together. Once the threesome was discussed, my husband confessed to me *after telling my "friend"* that he had slept with another one of my "friends" in January. He didn't want to disrespect my "friend"!!! So, I forgave him because I knew that we were both in a very bad place the past year.

So, again, I think we will be OK. Well, my "friend" then convinces me to come clean about my misdeed because he came clean about his, stating that he would never hold it against me because he did the same thing. So, I did and now we are separated. He can't trust me. Anyway, here is the part that is killing me. He is now dating my "friend"!!

I love my husband and he says that he needs space to find himself and all that, but how am I just supposed to accept all of this ****?? How is dating other people going to help him work on himself?? Any advice, guys! I am drowning in anger and hurt!!


Thanks, I know it's a lot .. I should seriously write a damn book!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Perhaps you have already answered the question. It seems the marriage wasn't that important to either of you--both of you cheated. Truth is as long as he is dating (and getting attention from other women), he isn't going to give you the time of day. In my own situation I finally had to see that my wayward spouse was giving me his answer. He kept partying and dating--that was his answer.

Hope you find peace.


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

sorry but loose the friends and the husband, he seems to of made up his mind u don't deserve that treatment


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## hardcase119 (Jul 21, 2010)

I have three friends that all say "they need some time or space to find themselves" I don't understand this. When you love someone you want to be with that person, you want them around all the time, you think of them and really don't have a desire to be with another person emotionally. 

My opinion, I think people try to have their cake and eat it to. You have to make that person make a decision, if they don't, you move on and make sure you don't look back. Pretty much everyone takes the path of least resistance.


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## lizzyblonde (Jul 21, 2010)

Thanks for the replies. Here is the thing, I do value my marriage and my husband. We were just both very lost for the past two years. I want to be a better person and I believe that he does, too. I am just not sure that I can give him the space that he needs to figure that out. He says that he wants to be a better person but to me all he is accomplishing now is being selfish and hurting me. I know that I hurt him but he hurt me, also and continues to hurt me every day. How do you let go of someone that you love so much and that has been everything to you for a decade??? I want to be strong and tell him it's me or "his space", but I am not sure if that is the right thing to do, either! Man, this really sucks!


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## lizzyblonde (Jul 21, 2010)

I have an update. My husband has agreed to stop dating and seeing my "friend". He has also agreed to marriage counseling. I have told him that I will not give up on our marriage. He is still uncertain about our future however. Last night, he told me that the connection that we shared, which was a very deep connection, is gone on his end and that all he feels for me is as a friend and co-parent. That ripped my heart out and for a second, I was ready to give up. I am wondering if he said that to hurt me or if he really meant it. He did admit to have not forgiven me yet, so that is why I wonder how much of what he is saying is to hurt me and to protect himself.

I really don't want to give up on my marriage. I know that we can be stronger after all of this both individually and as a couple. I have started attending church regularly again and have begun working on making myself a better person for me and for my girls. They deserve a mom that they can be proud of. What is the next step? Do I just keep praying and staying optimistic that things will work out in the end or do I let go? I feel like part of him does want this to work out, but that he just doesn't trust me or himself. Any advice?

Thanks in advance!


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