# My wife's affair and the path to reconcilliation



## CanadianGuy

Firstly it's not what you think. There is no other man. She was behaving like it may have well as been though. 

As strange as this may sound my wife was having an affair with money. She kept secrets about it, lied and manipulated not only me but other members of the extended family. Would regularly use guilt and shaming to get what she wanted and protected her affair partner at the cost of our marriage. I could go into more details but suffice to say she gets a great deal of security in relationships through money. This has to do with her father never working and her mother paying for everything. As soon as I stood up for myself things started to go really sideways. 

Her favorite saying was " I can't afford it". That was a lie. 

Family finances has always been a sore spot with us and I was remiss in my own way about probing into this further until recently. 

I discovered one day that she has a lot more money to spend than she would admit too. This had my hands shaking and world spinning. I may as well have discovered and affair. Really it was bad. 

The daily abuse I encountered at the home over money makes it very difficult for me to be there and I can not go inside. I am currently living somewhere else as we have decided to separate.

I am doing the 180, completely. We had been in marriage counselling but according to her we had our last session a week ago. I am continuing with IC. 

All of my belongings except for a few things are out of the house. She has removed her wedding bands as have I. 

It was in the last counselling session that I identified the problems in our marriage and the MC agreed with me completely. 

I said - She gets her security in a relationship through money and I get mine through sex. Less money, less sex, less money, less sex. It was a roller coaster of emotions heading straight for a dead end. I started shaking things up last year as some of you may have read some of my other threads. What a ride. whew. 

I have a plan and will discuss it with the IC when I see them next. This reconciliation can only come about with both parties on board. 

We have known each other for 24years, married 16 this year. She says she does not love me. That is not true and I know it. 

I will keep updating on my progress. I'm off to work out.


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## cdbaker

Definitely looking forward to hearing the plan.


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## CanadianGuy

Update:

Spoke with IC today. The IC said my wife no longer trusts me at all. Definitely a really bad sign. 

No plan. Emailed her today to start legal separation. 

Still 180. 

The end. lol.


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## Acoa

So sad how pain bred in our childhood can have such a strong grip on us today. 

Does she realize her relationship with money is dysfunctional? She can admit this and still decide not to trust you. How are you at money management?

Keep secrets is bad, you definitely don't have to put up with that in a marriage. Have you considered that by equating it to infidelity you may be recreating some of the trauma from her childhood. Especially if one of her parents cheated on the other. I say that not to invalidate your pain, just to point out that the reaction may be feeding her insecurity. 

Your best bet is to focus on her hiding money and that you won't be party to a marriage where she is keeping secrets from you.


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## CanadianGuy

Thanks for the reply Acoa. 

I am out of the house. She lied and manipulated myself and others about her finances. My fault actually. I believed her. 

I was never "allowed" to manage the finances. Probably because she knows I would have found her out sooner. When I found out she accused me of "snooping". 

I have not equated the affair with money to her. She does not recognize her behavior as being dysfunctional. Why would she?

No response to separation yet. 

Still 180.


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## angstire

Hey CanadianGuy, good luck with the SEP. I've been reading your threads and it hurts to see you go from trying to work on things so hard, to now SEP.

My stbxw is in similar sitch; no affair with OM, but affair with herself for control of her life, much like your W's affair with money. This might be easier than knowing another man helped break our relationships, but it is still tough. 

Take care.


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## harrybrown

Has she responded yet to the separation and filed for divorce or did she wake up?


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