# High Sex Drive



## filo123 (Oct 31, 2012)

My wife and I are both 27. We've been married for 5 years. During this time I would say our sex life averaged 2 times per week. sometimes less sometimes more, but on average I would say about that. 

During this past month or 2 however, my sex drive has shot waaaay up. I mean she could just look at me a certain way and I am ready to go. I have no idea why, other than we went through a rough patch for a while and seem to be resolving that slowly. Because of that my attraction towards my wife (emotionally) has been more than it's ever been in the 10 years we've known each other.

Now I also try to show her in other ways that I appreciate her. I leave notes around the house, take her to dinner, take her flowers, little things like that. But I am getting the feeling that sometimes feels "used" by all the sex.

I don't want her to feel that way. Yes, the sex is great but the feelings of closeness I get from it is what I most desire. I guess what I want to say is that it is an expression of my feelings towards her. 

Has anyone else had this exaggerated change in sex drive? is this something that should worry me?
What can help so that my wife doesn't feel so "used"?


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

" we went through a rough patch for a while and seem to be resolving that slowly."

did this involve another person (or was perceived to)? could be like a hysterical bonding, trying to regain closeness via sex, or reclaim it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What brought on the "rough patch"? Look into hysterical bonding. 

As far as keeping her from feeling used, make sure she gets physical attention that DOESN'T lead to sex. Massages, kisses, etc. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I would say be sure you meet her needs. Ask her to take the 5 languages of love test and identify her needs. Hopefully if you enthusiasticly meet hers she will meet yours. Sounds good on paper anyways.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

sounds great to me. Hump like rabbits! In another 20-30 years it won't be as easy, so make some strong memories RIGHT NOW!


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## bild-a-loco (Jan 22, 2014)

I remember those days, and yes, sex drive does generally fluctuate with age. Wait until your wife is in her early thirties - if she's anything like most women, that will suddenly transform her libido into something like you had when you were seventeen! 

It's a great ride through those years, so enjoy it and stop worrying about it - if she's not complaining, then you're doing everything right. Enjoy. :smthumbup:


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

How is your wife responding to this, OP? Has she said anything negative, or are you projecting?


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## filo123 (Oct 31, 2012)

The rough patch: For a couple of years, I felt my wife cared very little of my needs and wants. We couldn't even go to watch a movie that I liked because she only wanted to watch what she liked. I called her on it but it let nowhere. My intimate advances also were ignored often. I started to detach emotionally and although I didn't have an affair, It did lead me to porn. I am not proud of my actions and nothing justifies what I did. 

I felt horrible for what I had done so I came clean to my wife. 

This whole situation changed us both. I feel that we both have a new appreciation for each other. And we both now show more affection and interest in each other's needs.


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## filo123 (Oct 31, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> How is your wife responding to this, OP? Has she said anything negative, or are you projecting?


I don't know if I misinterpreted what she said or if she was joking when she said it. But the other day we were in bed talking, some serious talk some joking around. And the subject of my SD came up, and she said something like: "If I were to die, you wouldn't miss me, you'd only miss sleeping with me"

I don't know if she was being sarcastic or if she really meant it. I should have probably asked her is she was serious. But I couldn't pull myself to asking her for some reason.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

filo123 said:


> I don't know if I misinterpreted what she said or if she was joking when she said it. But the other day we were in bed talking, some serious talk some joking around. And the subject of my SD came up, and she said something like: "If I were to die, you wouldn't miss me, you'd only miss sleeping with me"
> 
> I don't know if she was being sarcastic or if she really meant it. I should have probably asked her is she was serious. But I couldn't pull myself to asking her for some reason.


I'm guessing because you were scared of what her answer would have been.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

filo123 said:


> I don't know if she was being sarcastic or if she really meant it. I should have probably asked her is she was serious. But I couldn't pull myself to asking her for some reason.


You could bring it up by saying something like, "I don't know if you were kidding when you said that I only want you for sex, but I want you to know that I am crazy about you and that is why I want to have sex with you all the time." 
It does need to be addressed, but from a positive point of view.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

filo123 said:


> My wife and I are both 27. We've been married for 5 years. During this time I would say our sex life averaged 2 times per week. sometimes less sometimes more, but on average I would say about that.
> 
> During this past month or 2 however, my sex drive has shot waaaay up. I mean she could just look at me a certain way and I am ready to go. I have no idea why, other than we went through a rough patch for a while and seem to be resolving that slowly. Because of that my attraction towards my wife (emotionally) has been more than it's ever been in the 10 years we've known each other.
> 
> ...



I'm experiencing Exactly what you describe. My wife has been on the verge of leaving me and was involved in a sexting fiasco and I'm wanting her 24 hrs a day, after being an every 2 or 3 days man. I'm the same way---it's about the closeness.
I can tell u mine doesn't like the smothering and only likes the sex because I spend my time doing every single thing to her that she likes. I'm trying to stop it becaus it pushes her away from me. If you figure out how to stop let us know.....

Things appear to be going well for me in the past few days, but the desire for her has nowhere near waned. I do believe when I think we are "ok" again I'll be back to normal, except that I have learned to enjoy doing the things to her that I knew she always wanted but I didn't make the effort or like doing before. I even learned by accident a couple of tricks that I can do to her that almost guarantee she ha sex w me. She likes it so much that even if she's tired or totally not in the mood I can get her to want it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I agree that you should ask her to elaborate on what she said. You need her to feel safe telling you her real feelings, though. She needs to trust that if she is open and honest with you, you will not hold it against her.

Do you think you can do that?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

filo123 said:


> I don't know if I misinterpreted what she said or if she was joking when she said it. But the other day we were in bed talking, some serious talk some joking around. And the subject of my SD came up, and she said something like: "If I were to die, you wouldn't miss me, you'd only miss sleeping with me"
> 
> I don't know if she was being sarcastic or if she really meant it. I should have probably asked her is she was serious. But I couldn't pull myself to asking her for some reason.


She meant it. That sounds like a "joke" that has a lot more honesty in it than funny. There really isn't anything funny about it at all. What is sarcasm? An expression of mockery or contempt.

You said one of your issues during the rough patch was that she didn't want to have sex with you, and that you turned to porn. And now things are better. So did you get to the heart of why she stopped wanting to have sex with you in the first place? Did she, over time, begin to feel pressured for sex, and then increasingly irritated by the pressure for sex? Did those feelings just disappear now that things are better? It doesn't sound like it. It sounds like she's still somewhat resentful.

I'm not saying you just care about sex. But it sounds like she might still think so. You might be feeling better and more in love with her than ever, but she might not have had all the issues that were bothering her about the marriage (the ones that led to her not wanting sex) resolved as well as you seem to have had yours resolved. Sometimes, stuff lingers. Porn is always a hot button around here and leaves lingering issues as well.

Keep talking and keep working on things. CynthiaDe suggested a good way to bring this up again in a positive way.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

filo123 said:


> I don't know if I misinterpreted what she said or if she was joking when she said it. But the other day we were in bed talking, some serious talk some joking around. And the subject of my SD came up, and she said something like: "If I were to die, you wouldn't miss me, you'd only miss sleeping with me"
> 
> I don't know if she was being sarcastic or if she really meant it. I should have probably asked her is she was serious. But I couldn't pull myself to asking her for some reason.


The correct response is to list all the ways you would miss more than sex with her.

"I would miss the way you smile when you see me get out of the car. I would miss the way we pull together to clean the house when company is coming. I would miss watching you try on clothes. I would miss your analysis about my work issues." Whatever. Surely there's something or why did you marry her!? Be sure it's about her personality and awesomeness, not just about how good a cook she is, or how great a mom she is. You have to list things that make her feel irreplaceable in your heart, not things you could just hire someone generic to do.

She wanted reassurance that you valued her as more than a sex receptacle, and you did not provide that reassurance. In fact, the silence makes it worse, because to her it seemed like you couldn't actually think of any other reasons to miss her!

It's not too late to fix that. Get her a card and some flowers and present the list.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

filo123 said:


> My wife and I are both 27. We've been married for 5 years. During this time I would say our sex life averaged 2 times per week. sometimes less sometimes more, but on average I would say about that.
> 
> During this past month or 2 however, my sex drive has shot waaaay up. I mean she could just look at me a certain way and I am ready to go. I have no idea why, other than we went through a rough patch for a while and seem to be resolving that slowly. Because of that my attraction towards my wife (emotionally) has been more than it's ever been in the 10 years we've known each other.
> 
> ...


This might sound a little unconventional but could you write her a letter describing how you crave her because you love her. Your need to bond with her is based upon how much you love her...and are happy to have gotten through the dark time....all the while also writing about how you want to fall in love again with her and want to meet her needs to feel close to you.


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## filo123 (Oct 31, 2012)

@over20; @Hopeful Cynic; - Your comments really made me think. I try to show my feelings towards my wife. Telling her my feelings is harder for me. But, my wife is probably more of a verbal kind of person. 

I will think of a list. There are MANY reasons why I love my wife and why she is special to me.

I really appreciate everyone's input.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

filo123 said:


> @over20; @Hopeful Cynic; - Your comments really made me think. I try to show my feelings towards my wife. Telling her my feelings is harder for me. But, my wife is probably more of a verbal kind of person.
> 
> I will think of a list. There are MANY reasons why I love my wife and why she is special to me.
> 
> I really appreciate everyone's input.


Please address this today. What happened when your wife said she feels you only want her for sex and your lack of response is a big deal that could haunt you for a long time if you don't do something immediately. The longer you wait, the more ingrained the issue will become.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My sex drive went through the roof suddenly (mid life hormones at play)...but I'm the woman and well...it was a little different in our situation cause he ALWAYS wanted more..so when this happened -even if he couldn't handle as much as I wanted...he never pushed me away....he used to tell me to "use him" -told me to put my toys away.... it wasn't a sinister thing with us, he was loving the attention and I was in need..

Win / win... Sounds to me you are being a loving husband... doing all you can ..feeling and reveling in the emotional high with her... do you feel it's only YOU feeling this way ?? Maybe she is just playing along - to satisfy you?

Do you think she feels used by you.. I would think you would be able to FEEL this in her attitude outside of the bedroom too, I don't think that is something that could be hidden for very long...it would manifest in *resentment* in other ways ...being short with each other.. snappy... 

Me & my husband joked about stuff like this during that phase of mine...we started calling it my "fix"...he had the best humor about it...which made me feel very loved.....he told me it would be a sad day when it dried up.....but could also speak how I was killing him...wearing him out .


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## filo123 (Oct 31, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Win / win... Sounds to me you are being a loving husband... doing all you can ..feeling and reveling in the emotional high with her... do you feel it's only YOU feeling this way ?? Maybe she is just playing along - to satisfy you?
> 
> Do you think she feels used by you.. I would think you would be able to FEEL this in her attitude outside of the bedroom too, I don't think that is something that could be hidden for very long...it would manifest in *resentment* in other ways ...being short with each other.. snappy... .


Until she mentioned this I did not feel she was just playing along to satisfy me. Although there were a couple times when she wasn't in the mood initially. Outside of the bedroom things are good. She is not snappy or showing resentment. She actually shows a lot more care for me/us as a family than before. She even takes the time to make me lunch for work.

For all the years I've known her, she is not the kind of person that can hide resentment very well. So, I would be surprised if she was.


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## filo123 (Oct 31, 2012)

CynthiaDe said:


> Please address this today. What happened when your wife said she feels you only want her for sex and your lack of response is a big deal that could haunt you for a long time if you don't do something immediately. The longer you wait, the more ingrained the issue will become.


I made her a little card with a handwritten note with a long list of reasons she is uniquely special to me. I will give this to her tonight. 

Hopefully this is step in the right direction.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

filo123 said:


> I made her a little card with a handwritten note with a long list of reasons she is uniquely special to me. I will give this to her tonight.
> 
> Hopefully this is step in the right direction.


Very sweet and loving. <3


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

filo123 said:


> I made her a little card with a handwritten note with a long list of reasons she is uniquely special to me. I will give this to her tonight.
> 
> Hopefully this is step in the right direction.


Keep us posted


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

filo123 said:


> Until she mentioned this I did not feel she was just playing along to satisfy me. Although there were a couple times when she wasn't in the mood initially. Outside of the bedroom things are good. She is not snappy or showing resentment. She actually shows a lot more care for me/us as a family than before. She even takes the time to make me lunch for work.
> 
> For all the years I've known her, she is not the kind of person that can hide resentment very well. So, I would be surprised if she was.


Sounds wonderful then :smthumbup::smthumbup:....sounds you have successfully revived the passion for the both of you... that's why I asked those questions. ..now that you have answered.... regardless of what she said in that moment, her actions speak otherwise, she is happy, content and reveling in what you share today....

Even if it may be a little more than she "needs"...I know for my own husband...he has always been the type who would say "Your pleasure is My pleasure "... if your wife is the same..also a "receptive" lover..basically your excitement / enthusiasm spurs her on...

Then by all means ENJOY... and lay your doubts to rest...

I can say for our marriage, when my drive spiked.. it has been the most thrilling, exciting years of our marriage... we took more time for each other -put the kids a little on that back-burner.....I became more attentive to his every need.. so long as one doesn't take the other for granted.. this can only be a beautiful thing all the way around.


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## filo123 (Oct 31, 2012)

I gave my wife the card I made for her 2 nights ago. She was happy and liked it. We talked and I think I overthought things. She was just joking around about my new found libido. :smthumbup: Furthermore, she even initiated last night. Which really puts my concerns to rest.


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