# Starved Wife



## PinkNemesis (Jul 31, 2018)

My husband and I have been married for 5 years. We have 2 small kids together. I am 25 and he is 29. 
Our marriage is pretty great. We love each other. Our friends are always saying we were meant to be and all that lovey dovey stuff. 
I love him and I truly feels that he loves me too. 

But, I am beginning to feel unhappy. 
He's not really interested in sex like I am. 
I have a high sex drive. I want sex daily. But I would settle for once a week. 
He watches porn nearly everyday. (I do also) 

When we first got together, we had sex pretty regularly. Never as much as I wanted, but I was content with it. He still watched porn, and I did as well. And it never interfered with our sex life. 

Since January, we have had intercourse 4 times. I need more than that. 
Yes, I have toys and I can take care of myself sexually. But, I'm craving that love from him. His touch...if that makes sense. 

The sex stopped before we had our first child, so I dont think it was because of having kids and all that. 

He has normal testosterone levels. 

<b>Things I've tried</b>
1. Lingerie 
2. Dancing
3. Therapy
4. Watch porn together
5. Talking to him
6. Trying new things in bed
7. New hair
8. Breast implants
9. We both quit watching porn


When I try talking to him about it, he doesn't know why he's not interested. 
I never get an answer from him. 
He never would cooperate in therapy. 

I don't think porn is the issue and I dont want to be that wife that is all no no to porn. I like porn and if I ask him to stop, I will have to as well and I'm not giving up my porn. When we both stopped together, it didnt change anything. 

He swears he is still attracted to me. But there has been times when he cant even get hard with me. 
Before you ask, I haven't let myself go. 

When we do have sex, it only last about a minute. 
I'm at my wits end. I just want to feel wanted again. 


Anyone have any suggestions?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I don't have a lot to offer because you have already tried so many things. But I am so sorry you are going through this. I know exactly how it feels.

I will tell you that for me it never got better, only worse, and after nearly 2 decades I finally left. I should have left sooner.

Know that it is NOT you. He is choosing this.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

He watches porn every day, and masturbates? Or just watches it for kicks?


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## PinkNemesis (Jul 31, 2018)

BioFury said:


> He watches porn every day, and masturbates? Or just watches it for kicks?


It's not everyday. But, nearly. I'd say 3-4 times a week. And yes he masturbates most of the time but he has said he doesn't sometimes.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

it depends.

when he watches porn, does he wack off? do you watch the porn together, separately, or both?

if he wacks off to porn, then his libido is probably healthy, there is a connection problem with him to you which needs to be explored.
could be a number of things. depending on your answer, we will be better prepared to give opinions.

if he doesn't wack off to porn and just watches it, then it's probably a libido problem which would be addressed in another way.
a number of things too affect libido, so...........


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## PinkNemesis (Jul 31, 2018)

jorgegene said:


> it depends.
> 
> when he watches porn, does he wack off? do you watch the porn together, separately, or both?
> 
> ...


Yes, he masturbates to porn most of the time. 
We watch it together sometimes. 
He can get an erection when he watches porn. But when he is with me he cant, or it takes more work. 
We've had sex 4 times since January. Each time we had to watch porn in order for him to get an erection.


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## Steelman (Mar 5, 2018)

For me- I only watch porn if I'm not getting any enough and I need to take care of myself. Unfortunately, that happens to often. And it would never be without finishing myself off. So I don't get the whole porn thing.... its a necessity more than an interest. 

There must be something wrong with the guy physically, mentally....... or he's cheating. And it probably won't get any better. Because if I had someone like you around it would be on 24-7.


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## PinkNemesis (Jul 31, 2018)

Steelman said:


> Because if I had someone like you around it would be on 24-7.


I mentioned to him once that most men would love to have a girl like me around and would definitely take advantage of it. 
His answer was this..
"Steak is my favorite food...but if I ate it all the time, then I would get tired of eating it"


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

PinkNemesis said:


> It's not everyday. But, nearly. I'd say 3-4 times a week. And yes he masturbates most of the time but he has said he doesn't sometimes.


Well, I can tell you right now that the porn is the problem. He obviously has a drive - he's masturbating 4-5 times a week. He's just grown addicted to a lazy, easy orgasm. And his brain has trained itself to respond to fantasies, not actual stimulus. You said you quit it together, but it takes 60 days for the neuro pathways to die. So unless you guys were each others exclusive sexual outlets for 60 days, then you probably wouldn't see promising results.



PinkNemesis said:


> I mentioned to him once that most men would love to have a girl like me around and would definitely take advantage of it.
> His answer was this..
> "Steak is my favorite food...but if I ate it all the time, then I would get tired of eating it"


Evidently not, or he'd get tired of porn. Lame excuse.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

PinkNemesis said:


> I mentioned to him once that most men would love to have a girl like me around and would definitely take advantage of it.
> His answer was this..
> "Steak is my favorite food...but if I ate it all the time, then I would get tired of eating it"


Is his name ****? Just kidding but it sounds exactly like something my ex said.


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## Shoyoself (Aug 18, 2017)

PinkNemesis said:


> Since January, we have had intercourse 4 times. I need more than that.
> 
> He has normal testosterone levels.
> 
> ...


I think that the snippets above are all related. I have gone through spells where sex only lasts a minute or so, and the feeling of embarrassed stays with up to and including the next time. The solution is (obviously?) more sex. We have sex more often, it isn’t the big deal that the ego makes it out to be, everyone’s more relaxed, and it lasts longer. 
I don’t have any specific advice to help you get to that point, but I can sympathize with both of you, and i’d Bet that there is a lot more to this than just frequency.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

PinkNemesis said:


> Yes, he masturbates to porn most of the time.
> We watch it together sometimes.
> He can get an erection when he watches porn. But when he is with me he cant, or it takes more work.
> We've had sex 4 times since January. Each time we had to watch porn in order for him to get an erection.


there is obviously a real problem here. 4 times in 7 months is by definition sexless.

Since he masterbates most of the time, and since he has trouble with an erection around you, i sense a serious connection problem.
meaning you don't get it up for him anymore. now don't misunderstand this statement. doesn't mean necessarily it's because of you.

things happen. sex can become boring, routine, and even after 5 years, the attraction and lust can wane.
i don't necessarily want to jump to the 'too much porn' thing, but that can also be a cause. 

are you both more or less the same weight, figure that you were when married? we have to rule out any appearance issues (on both sides).


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm having some trouble with the timeline, but dismissing that, the steak comment makes me wonder if he is getting cheeseburgers somewhere else. You would think if he was tired of steak, he would be sick of the porn as well.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

PinkNemesis said:


> I mentioned to him once that most men would love to have a girl like me around and would definitely take advantage of it.
> His answer was this..
> "Steak is my favorite food...but if I ate it all the time, then I would get tired of eating it"


That's a really bad analogy.

Steak isn't the equivalent to sex; eating is the equivalent to sex. There's no end to the variety!
Steak one day, lobster the next. Spicy Thai on Wednesday and some killer barbecue on thursday. Celebrate friday with a gourmet french meal. Saturday, get Indian and sunday it's sushi. A new menu every week, and even within the menu, it all changes. Some Indian days its tikka masala and others it's curry, etc. 

I could NEVER get sick of eating. There's just too much variety... and FUN to be had!!!

Ditto sex. Intercourse, oral, manual, with or without toys, etc. Even with intercourse, there's a multitude of positions. It can be fast and animalistic, or it can be slow and loving. And that's just the basics! For anybody willing to explore a little, the permutations are endless!

Even more troubling than the lack inherent sexual desire though, is the lack of desire to please one's partner. I'll do anything to make my wife feel good. I get more moans, ooohs and aaaahs when I give her a great massage than I do during sex.... so I make sure to do that for her. I immerse my whole being in complete focus on the good feelings I can give her. Oh, how I would love to have the same opportunity to please in the bedroom as I have with the scented oils!

But the fact that he's hitting the porn while denying you is the most problematic of all. I'm not a porn prude, but I am adamant that when it is used when there is a willing and enthusiastic partner available is devastating to a marriage. There's no way around the central message that he'd rather spend this time with an image than with a real woman, and when that real woman is you, that hurts... and is highly corrosive to a potentially healthy relationship.

You need to demand he comes to terms with his preferences, one way or another. This sort of thing will not get better left unchecked.


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## Uselessmale (May 20, 2017)

Why is it we end up with someone with such opposite needs. I feel for you. Been there. You seem to want to try a variety of things so eating steak everyday prepared differently wouldn’t be so bad.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Four times in seven months is hugely an (obvious) problem. 
It isn't you, as has been said.
If his T is normal, lacking other physical ie medical issues....he's in this case watching and MB to too much porn for his batteries to recharge. Or getting it elsewhere. 

At 29 a typical male finds it hard to go seven days without much less seven months if a hot willing W is laying next to him in bed.

There's got to be something deeper here.

Good luck!


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

I'm sorry for what you are going through. 

O/T : It's too bad when walking around we don't have a flashing signal over our heads saying how many times a week we need intimacy. That would sure resolve problems and expose people to what the term 'his needs her needs' really are. 

Sorry for the rant. I am in line with everyone else. He just isn't into you, but it's not or at least doesn't sound like anything you are doing "wrong".


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## PinkNemesis (Jul 31, 2018)

jorgegene said:


> are you both more or less the same weight, figure that you were when married? we have to rule out any appearance issues (on both sides).


I've lost some weight. I never was overweight. 
Ive kept myself up. I even got breast implants hoping it would help. 
Hes still the same.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

PinkNemesis said:


> I mentioned to him once that most men would love to have a girl like me around and would definitely take advantage of it.
> *His answer was this..
> "Steak is my favorite food...but if I ate it all the time, then I would get tired of eating it"*


Ouch. What he's essentially said here is that he's bored with you. What he's saying with his _behavior_ is that he's too lazy to do anything, including working effectively with you, to cure that boredom - for either of your sakes. That's just sad, and a bit mean, honestly. That sort of self-absorption and lack of ability to feel contentment - or to be kind to people they profess to love - is rarely completely isolated to the sexual arena. It's really a wonder that the rest of your relationship is as rosy as you indicate. 

What is he bringing to the relationship, really, that makes up for him being bored with you, unwilling to work with you to improve things, unconcerned about your happiness, and willing to tell you so in such a blunt manner? Is this really the relationship you want to spend the rest of your life in?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is a link to a thread that might help. It lists some resources. It's a long thread, so read at least the first couple of pages.

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

PinkNemesis said:


> He has normal testosterone levels.
> 
> *Things I've tried*
> 1. Lingerie
> ...


 @PinkNemesis perhaps your husband is using his sexuality as an escape. Unlike women, the male refractory period is rather powerful and can be the equivalent to taking a valium. It is totally possible that he uses porn to induce an orgasm to get this refractory effect. If that is the case, it will create to havoc on his desire and sexuality. 

Sexuality aside, how is everything else in your marriage? Is there stress related to career, finances, family, or medical issues? Also look into your husband's sexual history, as in was he ever in a relationship where a woman was abusive or humiliated him (this can happen when men are young and perhaps an older woman just used him for fun). 

Anyway it seems like you have gone above and beyond to try and connect with your husband. Ultimately he will have to start talking. Perhaps you could advocate that he do therapy alone in case he needs to better understand himself better on his own before opening up to you. If he refuses to go, set an ultimatum! He has a certain number of months to talk to a therapist with or without you, or you will consider ending the marriage. Otherwise if you don't put you foot down, this situation will likely continue to get worse and worse. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Tit implants would be a major turn off for me personally. In fact, its a bit of a deal breaker. It screams vanity to me. It would kill my sex drive for any woman. Did you get them for him really? Or did you get them for you? If he's anything like me, that would be a serious turn off. One I don't think I would ever be able to get past.

As far as porn, I'm too different to give a solid answer on that one. I can MB to porn 3 times a day and still have more than enough gas in the tank to want to wear my wife out all day long. She's a one and done type girl for the day. So even if we have hot steamy sex, I'll probably sneak in a jerk or two later anyway, or will have done it several times beforehand.

Something is broken between you two, from his end anyway. It may be the porn and masturbation, could be something to do with you though. That is where I'm leaning at this point anyway.


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## Jharp (Jun 8, 2018)

PinkNemesis said:


> I mentioned to him once that most men would love to have a girl like me around and would definitely take advantage of it.
> His answer was this..
> "Steak is my favorite food...but if I ate it all the time, then I would get tired of eating it"



Its the porn. Its literally killing your marriage. He needs to save himself for YOU. I read alot about Female infidelity, but lately, TAM has shown me that a good half of those could have been avoided had the Husband stepped up and took care of business. I would suggest stopping the porn consumption. If I had a wife like you I wouldn't need porn. Sadly I don't have one, nor a woman at present.

I should also probably follow my own advice too.:grin2:


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

PinkNemesis said:


> My husband and I have been married for 5 years. We have 2 small kids together. I am 25 and he is 29.
> Our marriage is pretty great. We love each other. Our friends are always saying we were meant to be and all that lovey dovey stuff.
> I love him and I truly feels that he loves me too.
> 
> ...


It's the porn.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

Jharp said:


> Its the porn. Its literally killing your marriage. He needs to save himself for YOU. I read alot about Female infidelity, but lately, TAM has shown me that a good half of those could have been avoided had the Husband stepped up and took care of business. I would suggest stopping the porn consumption. If I had a wife like you I wouldn't need porn. Sadly I don't have one, nor a woman at present.
> 
> I should also probably follow my own advice too.:grin2:


Yes, my husband gave up porn and any thoughts of other women and focused on me (and me, him). This change did not happen overnight. I don't want to be discouraging but it took us therapy and three years of intensely working to slowly evolve ourselves to focus on just the two of us. 

We had sex three times today before he went to his evening shift at work.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Tit implants would be a major turn off for me personally. In fact, its a bit of a deal breaker. It screams vanity to me. It would kill my sex drive for any woman. Did you get them for him really? Or did you get them for you? If he's anything like me, that would be a serious turn off. One I don't think I would ever be able to get past.
> 
> As far as porn, I'm too different to give a solid answer on that one. I can MB to porn 3 times a day and still have more than enough gas in the tank to want to wear my wife out all day long. She's a one and done type girl for the day. So even if we have hot steamy sex, I'll probably sneak in a jerk or two later anyway, or will have done it several times beforehand.
> 
> Something is broken between you two, from his end anyway. It may be the porn and masturbation, could be something to do with you though. That is where I'm leaning at this point anyway.


Your remark about implants was unhelpful. You are speaking only for yourself but saying that after the OP already has posted that she got them just serves to make her feel like crap. Maybe keep some thoughts to yourself if the result is just going to be to hurt someone else.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

happiness27 said:


> Your remark about implants was unhelpful. You are speaking only for yourself but saying that after the OP already has posted that she got them just serves to make her feel like crap. Maybe keep some thoughts to yourself if the result is just going to be to hurt someone else.


I'm simply stating based on the information she has given, exactly what would turn me into a sexless husband if she were my wife. Of course, I imagine this was discussed. However, if she pushed it as something she really wanted for herself and he gave in to be supportive of her wishes, then it was for herself and not for him. If after she got implants, her husbands desire for her dwindled into nothingness, I feel like my pointing out that not all men think fake is attractive is relevant. Some men like real, natural, and a woman confident in herself and who loves herself for who she is. Which is the exact opposite of a tit job. 

I don't care if you think that is mean. That is my opinion, and the first thing I spotted that would make me not want to have sex. I don't think of myself as unique in this regard. Perhaps her husband feels the same as I do about tit jobs. Maybe it is a deal breaker for him, but he didn't know it, or didn't want to seem unsupportive of his wife if she expressed a fierce desire to get fake tits.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

PinkNemesis said:


> I've lost some weight. I never was overweight.
> Ive kept myself up. I even got breast implants hoping it would help.
> Hes still the same.


You're fine, honey. Believe me. I've been through what you are going through and - it's the porn. 

Have you ever seen the movie Don Jon? My husband and I watched it together and he said it was an eye-opener for him (among the MANY things we did/discussed/worked on) to get over the porn addiction. 

There is nothing wrong with YOU. There is nothing wrong with YOU. 

Porn is an addiction that, according to neurosurgeons who discussed it on a TED TALK, is equivalent to drug and alcohol addiction. 

The good news is that there is TONS of material on how to get away - and stay away - from porn. Get away from it. 

Watch the movie, if you haven't already seen it. "Don Jon" it's got Scarlett Johansson in it and some funny stuff but also it addresses the main character, who in spite of the fact that he has landed the. most. beautiful. girlfriend. - he still veers towards the porn. 

My husband and I have healed our relationship. It's worth it. Just amazing to live life and have a love life in the real world.

(and just dismiss the rude comment about implants. it was out of line)


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Hi Pink sorry for ur problem. But if he can get it up 4-5 times a week for porn its not broken. Now if it is because of the porn that maybe up for some debate but it does not help. U said u tried therapy What kind?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

It's the porn. He can say that steak comment because he thinks of sex like porn, meaning a new girl to get off to.

You need to make this a big deal because he is going to lose you if you don't.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> I'm simply stating based on the information she has given, exactly what would turn me into a sexless husband if she were my wife. Of course, I imagine this was discussed. However, if she pushed it as something she really wanted for herself and he gave in to be supportive of her wishes, then it was for herself and not for him. If after she got implants, her husbands desire for her dwindled into nothingness, I feel like my pointing out that not all men think fake is attractive. Some men like real, natural, and a woman confident in herself and who loves herself for who she is. Which is the exact opposite of a tit job.
> 
> I don't care if you think that is mean. That is my opinion, and the first thing I spotted that would make me not want to have sex. I don't think of myself as unique in this regard. Perhaps her husband feels the same as I do about tit jobs. Maybe it is a deal breaker for him, but he didn't know it, or didn't want to seem unsupportive of his wife if she expressed a fierce desire to get fake tits.


It was thoughtless. You have your preferences, fine. Now we all know that you prefer a woman that never has a boob problem as a preferred sex partner. Plenty of women who have had children/gotten older/had reconstruction/had very small breasts have gotten implants. It doesn't matter why and it shouldn't concern you since it's a turn off for you and you'll never get to know a woman that has implants because you aren't going to bother getting past your criteria for perfection. That you pass judgment on that as something that's a turn off for you, then at the very least, when a person on the forum is looking for supportive answers, do them a favor and keep your negative judgements to yourself instead of being the person who casts out mean, harmful suppositions and comments for the sake of what? What was your purpose? To point out that her husband doesn't love her anymore? 

This woman is looking for help, not judgement, especially on something she has already done. All you did was say something to make her feel bad about something she can't undo.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

happiness27 said:


> It was thoughtless. You have your preferences, fine. Now we all know that you prefer a woman that never has a boob problem as a preferred sex partner. Plenty of women who have had children/gotten older/had reconstruction/had very small breasts have gotten implants. It doesn't matter why and it shouldn't concern you since it's a turn off for you and you'll never get to know a woman that has implants because you aren't going to bother getting past your criteria for perfection. That you pass judgment on that as something that's a turn off for you, then at the very least, when a person on the forum is looking for supportive answers, do them a favor and keep your negative judgements to yourself instead of being the person who casts out mean, harmful suppositions and comments for the sake of what? What was your purpose? To point out that her husband doesn't love her anymore?
> 
> This woman is looking for help, not judgement, especially on something she has already done. All you did was say something to make her feel bad about something she can't undo.



Lets just say for example she expressed a strong desire for implants. He seemed not to keen on the idea, but eventually thought "I love her, she can do what she wants with her body and it won't impact me." Then he gave his blessing. Only to realize later that it became a major turn off for him. Do you think HE would be the one to bring this up? Lets say their sex life was decent enough before, but took a sharp turn down afterwords. If she can assess that, and it turns out to be the case, then maybe she has an area on which to start a conversation with her husband about this mess. 

Interestingly, when you read about why a wife wont have sex with her husband, the blame is always cast on him. He doesn't help around the house enough, he doesn't make her feel secure enough, he's getting out of shape, he's not romantic enough, he's not meeting her emotional needs... Its his fault. Conversely when a wife is sex starved, ot again is his fault. He's addicted to porn. Had ED, health issues, he's overworking himself, he's possibly cheating... Somehow, more often then not, its still his fault. 

I propose that isn't always the case. Maybe its something she has done, or is doing. Or not, who knows? But back to my original point, if she finds it was something she did, at least she has a starting point from which to work from. I guess blaming him will make her feel better, sure. It might not lead to the root of the issue however. Or perhaps it will. You have to be willing though to look yourself in the mirror. If there is a correlation, I don't see how my post is any less relevant than telling her "there is nothing wrong with you honey, it has to be him" given that we all have the same information to go by here.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

She already said her husband jacks off to porn all the time. She tried other stuff to get his attention *after* he was addicted to porn. I guess I just read her threads in order so that's how I followed her line of thinking.


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## jmilly1223 (Jul 26, 2018)

PinkNemesis said:


> My husband and I have been married for 5 years. We have 2 small kids together. I am 25 and he is 29.
> Our marriage is pretty great. We love each other. Our friends are always saying we were meant to be and all that lovey dovey stuff.
> I love him and I truly feels that he loves me too.
> 
> ...


Porn should go. Maybe not for you, but for him it needs to. Porn creates an expectation to him that you can't live up to, you're not two or more girls, you're not going to be into everything they are into, and he's not having sex with different women. Porn will make you quick in the bed. There are other things you can do like 'starting and stopping' just before, gives a guy more control. 
I only do sexual things with my wife. My drive is higher since. I'll bet when you both stopped watching it wasn't for long. Try for longer this time, but only for him. Porn is fun but for guys it's toxic after a certain age. I'm 30 and I can tell a difference from before and after.
Also help him feel like a man. Sometimes it's the little things that goes a long way. Give him that feeling of masculinity. Flirting helps make it simple and fun for the both of you. Sometimes the small stuff can fix the bigger issues. 
Good luck.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

jmilly1223 said:


> PinkNemesis said:
> 
> 
> > My husband and I have been married for 5 years. We have 2 small kids together. I am 25 and he is 29.
> ...


Helpful advice about the flirting and "feel like a man" stuff...I know I need to emphasize that more, too.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Maybe its something she has done, or is doing.


 @TheDudeLebowski Dude what if the cat is to blame?


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## PreRaph (Jun 13, 2017)

badsanta said:


> @PinkNemesis perhaps your husband is using his sexuality as an escape. Unlike women, the male refractory period is rather powerful and can be the equivalent to taking a valium. It is totally possible that he uses porn to induce an orgasm to get this refractory effect. If that is the case, it will create to havoc on his desire and sexuality.
> 
> Sexuality aside, how is everything else in your marriage? Is there stress related to career, finances, family, or medical issues? Also look into your husband's sexual history, as in was he ever in a relationship where a woman was abusive or humiliated him (this can happen when men are young and perhaps an older woman just used him for fun).
> 
> ...


Great post Badsanta. Your husband is having some issues with his sexuality and it is impacting on your sexual life. His lack of communication is a symptom of something. Like Badsanta said, the problem with porn is not what is usually said, it is the effect on man when he gets off on it. Men in porn are portrayed as sexual machines with no refractory period. They can have sex non-stop for half an hour, heck, for 4 hours, and after they ejaculate they can ejaculate again 4 more times. It's completely unrealistic, but the psychology of it on a man can be very damaging.

Also stress. There was a period of almost 2 years when I wasn't having much sex with my wife. Stress was the #1 reason, and my wife's reaction to it only made it worse. Obviously it hurt her and she would show it. Vicious cycle. 

Rather than being the sexual dynamo, perhaps you could try a much more caring approach. No mention of sex at all. Try, in some way, to tell him you are worried about him. He needs to see someone who can help him alone, without you, because he's probably feeling pretty humiliated even if he doesn't show it.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

PinkNemesis said:


> My husband and I have been married for 5 years. We have 2 small kids together. I am 25 and he is 29.
> Our marriage is pretty great. We love each other. Our friends are always saying we were meant to be and all that lovey dovey stuff.
> I love him and I truly feels that he loves me too.
> 
> ...


Yes, don't go outside the marriage. You may have to divorce him though. You're a dream. Your husband doesn't know it.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I'm sorry that you are learning the hard way, that porn is bad for men and marriage.. you've been replaced by it. Im not sure he ever gave it up, or long enough to make a difference. His steak comment confirms that he prefers his porn fantasies to you. Yeah, men should stay away from that filth or risk losing everything. Help is available for men like this, but it sounds like he can't even conceive that he is doing something wrong.


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## PinkNemesis (Jul 31, 2018)

I have decided to take on a completely different approach. 
Sort of a absence makes the heart grow fonder kind of thing. 
He mentioned to me once that I was always available and he likes to "chase". 
Im going to be more scarce with him. 

Im not going to ignore him or anything. Im still going to be sweet and give kisses. 
But, I might go out shopping for a couple of hours and not really mention anything to him about it. 
I'm going to find myself a new hobby that I enjoy and I'm not going to tell him much about it. 
I'm going to be somewhat of a mystery for him again. 

Hopefully this will help.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

So, when the forum normally tells men "you are too available, get a hobby, ect" it comes from the context of years of "trying everything" or just flat out being told "this is what you are getting". 

If you believe you are at this point. Some distance, might help, but more for your sanity. Do not be surprised if it doesn't help. This, at your hubby's age is highly unusual. I think a borderline addiction is being involved if not a toxic marriage of some sort. 

If it is his "normal" pattern. Hobby's for yourself will not make things better for the sex life, but rather allow you to cope. Until you or he finds someone else.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You say it's not the porn ----- but it is. Or it is at minimum a significant contributing factor. 

If he's draining the tank all the time to Brazilian circus midget jello orgies then there simply isn't any mojo left for you at the end of the day. 

While I don't quite agree with everything this website says about porn and I do not have any religious convictions against porn or masturbation, check out "Your Brain On Porn." I do think some of the general concepts have merit. 

Decades ago, the feminists and the anti-porn groups were saying porn was going to destroy the world by creating hordes of sex-crazed rapists and child molester that would ravage the countryside and leave nothing but scorched earth in their wake.

Now that everyone has unlimited, free access to every form of porn imaginable, it has not created a world of sex-crazed rapists. It has created a world of Mom's basement-dwelling, video game watching, carpal tunnel suffering, couch slugs that sit on the couch playing Fortnight with their buddies all day and night and then spank to chicks sucking each others toes in some kind of toe-job 69 when they feel a twinge of horniness. 

Porn isn't creating a world of sexual aggression and rape etc. It is creating a world of couch potatos and duds. 

Put the porn away and tell him the only genitals he can touch are yours and let his tank start filling back up the way the Good Lord intended. In a matter of days or week or so, he will experience some real arousal looking down your shirt and checking out your behind.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It’s clear to me that for him, porn is a problem.

He has done it to the point that it takes extreme visuals to get him aroused.

Fact: no woman alive could get him aroused for more than a few weeks until the new wire off, with him watching the porn.

You say you’re not giving it up. That’s fine, he won’t either. 
The difference is, you want real sex and he does to— but you’re old hat and can’t get him interested. You’re steak every day.

Truth: you sound like the kind of woman that most men would really like having sex with.
This guy isn’t going to be that man. He doesn’t even want to be..... you guys didn’t have that much sex BEFORE you married.

I would see a sex therapist and make some changes. If he’s resistant, you only have one real choice at a good sex life.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I believe the porn is a huge problem for him, along with learned or natural laziness and selfishness.

As far as your body goes, most normal men who are capable of loving their wive are not going to turn off sex unless the wife has significantly changed. And since you stated VERY clearly you got the breast augmentation FOR HIM and to try to be "good enough" to be desired by him, I'm not going to go down that road.

I do have a problem with the disappearing without explanation. I think it's fine to say, "I'm going shopping for awhile/I'm having lunch with the girls" as you breezily walk out the door. But just disappearing....if you do that HE'LL be on a forum, and men will start telling him to install VAR's, DNA your children, and kick you to the curb. This probably sounds jaded, but in your quest to wake him up, do NOT set yourself up as the bad guy. You do that, and all it will do is give him (and everyone else) ammunition to turn it around on you. And this is NOT your problem. It's his.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

PinkNemesis said:


> I mentioned to him once that most men would love to have a girl like me around and would definitely take advantage of it.
> His answer was this..
> "Steak is my favorite food...but if I ate it all the time, then I would get tired of eating it"


I don’t see how any man could ever get tired of the woman he loves. 

Your husband has a problem with porn. I don’t know how long the two of you called it quits. I think I have heard it takes 1 to 2 months with out to show results. 

That line about steak and you is completel BS. 

Plain truth is that he has no sexual desire for you because of porn or he is cheating.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

PinkNemesis said:


> I have decided to take on a completely different approach.
> Sort of a absence makes the heart grow fonder kind of thing.


Hey Pink - your hearts in the right place but what do you think your porn-addicted husband will do while you're gone?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

PinkNemesis said:


> I have decided to take on a completely different approach.
> Sort of a absence makes the heart grow fonder kind of thing.
> He mentioned to me once that I was always available and he likes to "chase".
> Im going to be more scarce with him.
> ...


You know there really should be a Hollywood movie about a High Desire spouse that tries to play the "hard to get" game. 

Starring Sacha Cohen and his wife Isla Fisher!

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bkn0HetAHvT/?taken-by=islafisher


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Brazilian circus midget. Now that was funny 😊😊


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## PaulB (Jun 26, 2018)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Tit implants would be a major turn off for me personally. In fact, its a bit of a deal breaker. It screams vanity to me. It would kill my sex drive for any woman. Did you get them for him really? Or did you get them for you? If he's anything like me, that would be a serious turn off. One I don't think I would ever be able to get past.


Some guys indeed say they don't like implants. I just like boobs. Big boobs, medium boobs, small boobs, natural, implants, dark nipples, pink nipples--the majority of men feel the same. And if her husband is addicted to porn, pretty sure he probably gets turned on by breast implants.


@PinkNemesis, porn is a major problem for your husband. I'm guessing he has been watching it on a regular basis since puberty. He associates arousal with a computer screen. I wouldn't be surprised if when he has sex with you he has to close his eyes and imagine porn to get arouse and/or to climax. I have a few questions:

> What do you know about his sex life before you? 
> Are there particular types of porn he seems to watch a lot of? 
> Do you think he may be self conscious about his penis size? I ask because I wonder if he feels safe with porn, sexually. You mentioned he doesn't last very long. Maybe he feels insecure sexually and prefers to live his sex life pretending he's the hung studs in porn.


I think you have to get him to see that porn is a problem. I think excessive porn, especially starting in youth, can rewire some guys' brains somewhat. He needs to approach this with professional help, either a therapist or some good self-help books that will explain his problem and lay out some paths for dealing with it.

If you can, go out some to some lively clubs or bars together, do it one weekend. By all means don't flirt with anybody, but go back to the bar alone for refills, go to the bathroom, walk across the way to pretend to see what something says on a sign or something. Create opportunities for him to have to watch you walk past/through crowds of men. Maybe it would do your husband some good to see other guys checking you out. Kick him into primal competitive mode. 

If you like having bigger boobs, then good for you on the breast implants. If you did it just for him, don't start chasing that rabbit. My wife's boobs aren't as perky as they were. She doesn't like that. I like them better. She gained some weight on her butt after the last baby. I think it looks sexier now. She lost pregnancy weight really well, but is a little heavier than when we dated. I don't notice/care. Now, if a time machine version of her from 7 years ago stood side by side the present version of her, maybe I could compare the two and see she looked better physically then.. The point is, I love her and find her sexy, whichever version of her body I have. Of course, she has nowhere near your sex drive, which causes issues for us. The point is, your husband's issue is not you. Don't fall into that trap of thinking.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

The implants are a non-issue, regardless of projections. She was very clear she did it for him. Bh mmmkk


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