# Is porn ruining your relationship? What to do?



## summone

Here's the short version of the story...sorry it's still long 

I've been with my now husband for over 10yrs and recently married a few months & almost throughout the entire time there has been some form of broken promise about porn. I'm not a prude in fact I'd say I'm pretty open minded and have a high sex drive, so this makes it more confusing to me we've been sooo good lately so I'm boggled by all this & it's more about the broken promises and broken trust that hurts! We've had multiple arguments about it, I've come at him thru every angle, & I know he gets it at the time, & he'll stop doing something But then it'll pop up somewhere else in another form!

Nowadays it is so easy to access some form of porn because of technology. I put a block on his phone so he can't go on any "naughty" sites & I know he threw away all his videos (or so I believe) but then today I discovered that he has searched this porn star on Instagram. Yes it's only pics and nothing more but it's the principal that he made a promise to not look at any form of "porn". How can I trust him?

What should I do, if I confront him we'll prob get into a fight because that's what his initial defense mechanism is & he'll get mad that I'm snooping & always focusing on the bad & we prob won't solve anything until maybe a day or so later.

Or I can say we need to go to counseling (we have been in the past a few times but stopped)? 

Or should I just leave him a note about how I'm fed up that he broke yet another promise about this situation & not come home? (& trust me there's other stuff that has happen to lead me to being this way, it's not just what I've mentioned) I feel like not coming home to teach him a lesson but will I only make things worse? I'm new to this marriage thing & so use to being just a girlfriend that I don't know what the right thing to do is...can someone lend some advice?


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## PBear

Why the hell did you marry him when this has been an issue throughout your 10 year relationship? 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## summone

Because it wasn't a major issue I guess. It was just that I caught him with videos after he threw them away. Then he'd be good for months-years. Then I broke up with him for a couple of years cuz of other issues & since we've been back it has been a major problem and lessen as time went on ..I relate it to my addiction to cigarettes, I have been off/on w/ it for years and I can quit 100% at times and others I have to have 1 or 2 .........to answer your question I guess I believe him everytime he promises or I want to believe it so badly cuz I love him so much & I'm trustworthy and stupid like that I guess.


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## richie33

What compromise could possible be made? Would you open to watching it with him? DVDs but no Internet porn? 
Is he rejecting you and using porn instead? Husband may have a totally different definition what porn is than you do.


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## summone

richie33 said:


> What compromise could possible be made? Would you open to watching it with him? DVDs but no Internet porn?
> Is he rejecting you and using porn instead? Husband may have a totally different definition what porn is than you do.


Hi Richie33 thank you for your comments/questions.
We do or use to watch it together, we make our own, I mean I'm open to whatever so that's what's a lil confusing and ego crushing. I think he looks at these pics in the morning & prob jerks off to them maybe as a quick fix I dont know. But trust me he knows exactly where I stand about watching it without me, or looking at porn I mean isn't that all the same as lusting after another woman? I have urges too but I stop myself...that's what I mean he knows that this promise has been brought up & broken in some way before thats why I don't know what to do.


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## richie33

He shouldnt be making promises he cannot keep. You seem open minded and willing to watch it with him. That to me is meeting him half way. He should be satisfied with that. But you didn't state if his online activities are affecting the sex life. You are not sure if he is masterbating to the material he is looking at. That sounds to me as if he is still willing able to perform with you.


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## staarz21

Is this interrupting your sex life at all? Is he pressuring you to do things you don't want to do? Is he able to perform without porn on in the background? Does he still get aroused by you? Is he still able to have an orgasm with you? Does he watch porn at work? Does he watch it for hours on end?

These are very important questions when determining if someone has an issue with porn. The more we know, the better advice we can give.


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## summone

richie33 said:


> He shouldnt be making promises he cannot keep. You seem open minded and willing to watch it with him. That to me is meeting him half way. He should be satisfied with that. But you didn't state if his online activities are affecting the sex life. You are not sure if he is masterbating to the material he is looking at. That sounds to me as if he is still willing able to perform with you.


I don't know if it is directly affected our sex life but I have noticed lately that he doesn't initiate it as much & I'm the one initiating it more, so it makes me feel bad about myself and that's 1 of the reasons I snoop. But it also could be that he's been working alot lately too so I don't know if this porn thing is just something thats quick and easy so he leans towards that in the mornings or what. But I feel more like this is a habit more than anything else. But this habit is hurtful cuz I thought married people had more respect for each other ...maybe I was wrong to assume that.


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## richie33

You were together for 10 years and he was doing this. Marriage is not the key to stop certain behaviors. If he was looking at the sports illustrated swimsuit edition would you feel the same way? Is it any images of women that bother you?
Again I think it's great you are willing to compromise but you and him probably vastly different opinions on what is porn and what is not porn.


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## summone

We had on numerous occasions talked about my feelings about what exactly it was...no online dating sites or porn sites, pics ..I guess anything that would cause him to lust for another woman. And maybe that was being unrealistic BUT he agreed, promised to God almost begged and pleaded. Given what he's done lately wasn't totally naked pics of woman so i guess that's where he doesn't think he's breaking his promise. But it has alot to do w/ the hiding and erasing history and lying that truly pains me & of course yes the looking at other women but I guess that's my own insecurities but the other stuff is his...If you're not going to keep a promise then don't make it is what I think.


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## PBear

I'll let you in on a little secret... People often lie when there's something they want to do and they think they will be in trouble if they get caught. So in particular, if it's something that they don't think of as being "wrong", they'll cover it up. 

In your case, it sounds like he's abiding by your agreement. He's not looking at "porn" sites or dating sites, by some definition. Maybe you weren't clear on defining what a porn site is? In any case, he thinks it's ok, he enjoys doing it, but he figures you'll flip out on him for doing it. So he covers it up by deleting his history. You can safely expect this particular behavior to continue. If you confront him on it, he'll just get better at hiding his tracks. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## summone

staarz21 said:


> Is this interrupting your sex life at all? Is he pressuring you to do things you don't want to do? Is he able to perform without porn on in the background? Does he still get aroused by you? Is he still able to have an orgasm with you? Does he watch porn at work? Does he watch it for hours on end?
> 
> These are very important questions when determining if someone has an issue with porn. The more we know, the better advice we can give.


Hi Staarz21
I feel like lately it may be interrupting our sex life I'm not exactly sure because he's been working alot lately so it could be he's tired. Maybe a year ago it did seem like porn was going on in the background before we had sex. Yes, he orgasms everytime we have sex..no he doesn't watch it at work or for hours on end. I think it was that way a few yrs ago & maybe at another earlier time, so I'd say its a pattern/habit that has dwindled down but is still existent..Am I suppose to be happy that its not that bad anymore? Do I just let these lies, broken promises go? Am I overreacting? It's funny because he's a sensitive guy & if I were doing say do something like day something positive about another guy he gets jealous but yet he can do this & not think its hurtful? I don't get it...


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## summone

PBear said:


> I'll let you in on a little secret... People often lie when there's something they want to do and they think they will be in trouble if they get caught. So in particular, if it's something that they don't think of as being "wrong", they'll cover it up.
> 
> In your case, it sounds like he's abiding by your agreement. He's not looking at "porn" sites or dating sites, by some definition. Maybe you weren't clear on defining what a porn site is? In any case, he thinks it's ok, he enjoys doing it, but he figures you'll flip out on him for doing it. So he covers it up by deleting his history. You can safely expect this particular behavior to continue. If you confront him on it, he'll just get better at hiding his tracks.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


PBear you're absolutely right I do not think he thinks he's doing anything wrong although I was very specific in my requests & he agreed, so that makes you a liar if you promise and can't keep it...oh but the kicker is he promised not to do all of the above & only now is saying I can't fully keep that promise. Like I said in a reply to another post, he's a sensitive guy and gets jealous if I'm talking highly of another man so if I were to be checking out other guys he'd be upset so this boggles my mind even more.


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## staarz21

summone said:


> Hi Staarz21
> I feel like lately it may be interrupting our sex life I'm not exactly sure because he's been working alot lately so it could be he's tired. Maybe a year ago it did seem like porn was going on in the background before we had sex. Yes, he orgasms everytime we have sex..no he doesn't watch it at work or for hours on end. I think it was that way a few yrs ago & maybe at another earlier time, so I'd say its a pattern/habit that has dwindled down but is still existent..Am I suppose to be happy that its not that bad anymore? Do I just let these lies, broken promises go? Am I overreacting? It's funny because he's a sensitive guy & if I were doing say do something like day something positive about another guy he gets jealous but yet he can do this & not think its hurtful? I don't get it...



Ok, well it seems that maybe your sex life is suffering a little right now. Whether that is due to porn or work is unknown. I would keep an eye out for any other signs of excessive porn use, but it could be that maybe he is just really stressed at work.

Yes, he should not have lied. He should have told you whether or not his behavior was going to continue. He is afraid of hurting you, so he lies. That does not make it ok. 

Can I ask something? I don't mean it to sound rude or anything, but are you just afraid that he finds these women more attractive than you? Do you wonder how he can look at them and then turn around and be turned on by you? I'm not trying to say you're unattractive, but many women feel this way when they find their partner watching porn.

Unfortunately, you can't stop him from "lusting" or thinking about other women. You don't have control over his mind. You can explain to him how much it hurts you and you can beg and plead with him, but ultimately, he will think and do what he wants. 

There are some people who are married to those with an "addiction" to porn. People who have to listen to the lies everyday. People who find out the spouse is watching for hours every single day. They watch at work, they watch instead of fulfilling required priorities. 

It doesn't sound like your H has this problem, but that's not to say that the way you feel is unjust. You have your beliefs. He has his. Sit and tell him not to make promises regarding porn that he cannot keep as this breaks the trust you have in him. Ask him if this behavior is going to continue. If he wants to continue to watch porn are you ok with that? If you are able to compromise with him watching, then set up boundaries for it. For example, ask him to come to you first for sex before choosing porn. 

If you are not ok with him watching any porn at all, at any time, that is ok. That is how you feel. But you need to explain to him that this is possibly a deal breaker for you. You will need to choose if you can put up with it or not. Does the rest of your relationship seem ok? Are you two relatively happy with one another? These are things to take into consideration when compromising some of your feelings/actions as well as him compromising some of his feelings/actions. 

Likely, the behavior will continue. He feels there is nothing harmful in looking at porn right now. So, it's up to you to address the lying and decide if you can live with it or not.


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## summone

staarz21 said:


> Can I ask something? I don't mean it to sound rude or anything, but are you just afraid that he finds these women more attractive than you? Do you wonder how he can look at them and then turn around and be turned on by you? I'm not trying to say you're unattractive, but many women feel this way when they find their partner watching porn.


Yes that's exactly it...in my mind he does find these girls more attractive than me. But I am not unattractive by any means he knows that alotta guys are attracted to me that's why he gets jealous sometimes, so why do I feel like this? I think its because some of those girls are the opposite of me in ethnicity and so forth. Maybe it's me and my self esteem that needs work.


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## richie33

Show him this thread...what you wrote, maybe he can understand you better. My wife has felt the same way as you do. No picture or video I looked at in the past could compare to her. I am sure your husband feels the same. A compromise that you both could come up with could really do wonders for your marriage.


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## richardsharpe

Good afternoon Summone
In my opinion porn is a problem if (and only if) it is interfering with a couple's normal sex life. It isn't clear if that is happening here. Does he only watch porn at times when you are not available sexually? If so, it may not mean much - he's horny and wants relief right away. If he is turning you down for sex to watch porn, that is a big problem. 

Try not to worry that he finds porn women more attractive - he likely no more thinks that than you think your vibrator (if you have one) is a better lover than he is. 

Broken promises are tricky. Personally I don't think it is a promise he should have made in the first place. It would be like asking someone to "promise" not to masturbate - it is a private think not something that should ever be controlled by someone else.


Now all of the above is off if he is turning you down for sex - that is a whole different kettle of fish .


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## MattMatt

summone said:


> Yes that's exactly it...in my mind he does find these girls more attractive than me. But I am not unattractive by any means he knows that alotta guys are attracted to me that's why he gets jealous sometimes, so why do I feel like this? I think its because some of those girls are the opposite of me in ethnicity and so forth. Maybe it's me and my self esteem that needs work.


He almost certainly doesn't find them more attractive than you. Different, perhaps?


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## TheStranger

summone said:


> Yes that's exactly it...in my mind he does find these girls more attractive than me. But I am not unattractive by any means he knows that alotta guys are attracted to me that's why he gets jealous sometimes, so why do I feel like this? I think its because some of those girls are the opposite of me in ethnicity and so forth. Maybe it's me and my self esteem that needs work.


I can assure you that his porn watching has nothing to do with you. It's not a reflection on your appearance in any way.

Broken promises are bad and while I don't approve his sneaking I can say I understand his reasons.

Truthfully, what would have happened if you asked him to promise never to look another naked body except yours and he replied with: I love you but I don't want to do that.

This is something I would have said to you.

It's clear he doesn't want to lose you and that he feels your boundaries regarding porn are unreasonable.


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## White.Rabbit

White.Rabbit said:


> Firstly he has to admit to himself that he has a problem and then seek help and advice from as many sources as you can. There is help out there, but you might have to dig for it.
> 
> Unfortunately if you are not of a religious persuasion there's a lot of input that isn't going to help, so you might have to sift through a lot of irrelevant material.
> 
> The now estranged Mr Rabbit became addicted over many years and preferred his own company to mine when it came to his sexual needs.
> 
> He did admit he'd got issues and improved considerably, but in trying to restrict his porn use tarred everything sexual with the same brush, to my continued detriment.
> 
> I'm afraid that in the end I gave up and moved on, but that's not to say you can't overcome your issues if you're both totally committed to doing so.
> 
> If we're allowed to share YouTube links publicly here, then there a couple of documentaries you might find useful, otherwise message me for the details. For the Brits amongst us I may have details of some other resources in amongst my notes on the issue.
> 
> I'm more than happy to discuss my experiences and compare notes on this matter on forum or by private message.


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## Cletus

For him to have to admit that there's a problem implies that there is a problem to which he should admit. 

At this point, it's not clear that the problem is anything more than "My wife doesn't like it". I guess he could readily admit to that.


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## White.Rabbit

Cletus said:


> For him to have to admit that there's a problem implies that there is a problem to which he should admit.
> 
> At this point, it's not clear that the problem is anything more than "My wife doesn't like it". I guess he could readily admit to that.


There is a big difference between enjoying the occasional drink, the former is OK in my book, but the latter can and does wreck lives.


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## Married but Happy

If your sex life is good and intimacy is good, why do you insist on imposing your values and insecurities on him and trying to change him when he clearly has different values and doesn't want to change? You can only change yourself, not others - unless they WANT to change.

If he's actually neglecting you, criticizing you on sexual matters, or comparing you to the women in porn, then you have a problem.


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