# I (31f) use sex as a "reward" for my husband (29m). Is this okay?



## christine83 (May 7, 2015)

First some background: My husband works very hard to provide for our family (we have a 3 year old son), and I love him to death, but he is lazy, antisocial, and never helps around the house. Coincidentally, he is also a sex fiend. Like is addicted to my vagina  lol. In a moment of desperation a few months ago, I told him that if he'd come to work party with me (he is EXTREMELY socially awkward) I'd reward him with sex when we got home. Long story short, he immediately perked up and went with me, and was duly rewarded at the end of the night. Ever since then, I've been using sex as a reward for him being a great husband, and doing this has put a new spark in our sex life. We have like little nicknames for certain rewards, such as Hubby Special (which is me riding him, which is his favorite position because my huge butt and deepthroat while he just gets to lay there, do nothing and enjoy), which he gets for doing very sweet things or helping me in a big way,. And smaller favors for smaller things. I text him at work reminding him of his treat later for being a "great hubby", teasing him all day lol. And when he gets home at night, the sex is amazinggggg for both of us, cuz for some reason him having to "earn the kitty" (as he refers to it) really turns him on, and its great for me because I know I'm giving him something that he CRAVES. . But my girlfriends say I'm a ***** for using sex like this. I tell them that my man is useless without motivation, but they still think its wrong. Is it? We BOTH are loving this system!


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Guess most women do this (and men, in turn, buy sexual favours with money, presents, status, whatever...) But few would say so, so openly.... as you do.

If I were your hubby, I'd probably have mixed feelings. On the one hand, I'd feel like a Pavlovian dog, trained to anticipate some reward and function accordingly. On the other hand, I do agree the buildup of sexual tension, the promise of something pleasurable (and sex is perhaps the most pleasurable of em all!) and getting access to an underrated force that has moved civilisations must be quite a game after all!

Tell us more of how your experiments go!


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

No, this is NOT ok. Sex should be because you desire, love, and are attracted to your husband. I don't think you respect him at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

What is he a dog ( sit) good boy here's a treat. Just sounds a bit mumsie to me, somewhat childlike.

Sex should be something you both want, not used as a treat for good behaviour


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## christine83 (May 7, 2015)

I LOVE sex with my husband, I just don't love it nearly as much as he does lol. Its kinda like we're role playing, and our sexlife since I started this has been insane!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Funny story but not ok. It is ultimately unhealthy and your H is a bit like a pathetic dog trained by getting a treat.

The great sex is from anticipation and built up tension.

My wife and I practice it but she is rewarded just as much or more by having sex with me. I am not lazy but if my wife acted like you, we would be divorced unless she did some serious repenting fast.

You are also "selling" your butt and your husband is "purchasing" it. There is a word for it and I'm sure you know what it is. Your situation isn't terrible but will become so if you ever want more than a trained pet in bed or if your H ever grows up.

Do some research about anticipating sex and building up tension.

I understand that it can be a turn off when your spouse doesn't seem to care about obligations and chores but your approach is an unhealthy one.

Best wishes and never stop having fun in the bedroom.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

And when he gets tired of your "kitty"? then what?


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

As long as he's cool with it, you're cool with it and this isn't the only reason you have sex, I think it's fine (but I'm biased because I do this all the time).


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> Your situation isn't terrible but will become so *if you ever want more than a trained pet in bed* or if your H ever grows up.


Maybe OP has a latent D/s kink and that's exactly what she wants.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

batsociety said:


> Maybe OP has a latent D/s kink and that's exactly what she wants.


That wasn't mentioned and could easily be achieved without selling it.


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## christine83 (May 7, 2015)

Im not selling anything. And yes, I do think I enjoy the dominance aspect of it


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## rich84 (Mar 30, 2015)

Ehh, I would be resentful of being manipulated so blatantly. However, I'm highly motivated and would probably make a terrible submissive. It sounds like this turns you both on and **** is getting done. Maybe make sure this arrangement is good with him and mix in some untethered sex every now and then to show that you desire him regardless of what he's done for you that day. If you had no desire for him, only gave him sex following a task, and withheld sex until said task was completed, that would be different. But it sounds like you have desire for him and this is a game you both like to play (buildup). It can be played without the task contracts, but your husband is lazy, immature, and doesn't mind (or is turned on by) being manipulated this way.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*While I personally don't prefer for sex in my life to be that way, who am I, as some disinterested party to tell you to veer away from what is apparently working for the both of you?

As long as the both of you are OK with this arrangement, then I'd wish you both the best of luck and just enviously say, "Full speed ahead!"*


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Honestly I wouldn't want a man "rewarding" me with sex for being a "good wife" when it should just be a given in our relationship.

Seems your husband enjoys it though. Unless he has no idea you're doing this. Then when he found it, it might uh, change things.

I guess the main question is: how would you feel if he was doing this to you? Don't you just want to fck him any way cause he's your husband he inspires the attraction in you? Why a reward system? Is he your pet?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

batsociety said:


> Maybe OP has a latent D/s kink and that's exactly what she wants.


I considered that. 

Does he know about it though?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It's not only ok, it should be mandatory.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

christine83 said:


> But my girlfriends say I'm a ***** for using sex like this. I tell them that my man is useless without motivation, but they still think its wrong. Is it? *We BOTH are loving this system!*


Does he know about "this system?"


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## Icey181 (Apr 16, 2015)

Here is my take as a relatively young married man.

I have had the whole "Sex as a Reward" thing before. In my experience it was more a playful kind of back and forth, and it was certainly an inducement for stuff we were going to do.

I would not have a problem with it, if, one thing is true:

Sex is not only available when something is done to "earn" it.

Also, so long as he is understanding if things cannot work out and so long as you do not dangle it as a reward and pull for punishment.

I think it can be healthily played with, but only very carefully.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

christine83 said:


> We BOTH are loving this system!


Not for me, for sure. But THIS right here is all YOU need to know.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

brownmale said:


> If I were your hubby, I'd probably have mixed feelings. *On the one hand, I'd feel like a Pavlovian dog,*


:rofl:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

christine83 said:


> First some background: My husband works very hard to provide for our family (we have a 3 year old son), and I love him to death, but he is lazy, antisocial, and never helps around the house. Coincidentally, he is also a sex fiend. Like is addicted to my vagina  lol. In a moment of desperation a few months ago, I told him that if he'd come to work party with me (he is EXTREMELY socially awkward) I'd reward him with sex when we got home. Long story short, he immediately perked up and went with me, and was duly rewarded at the end of the night. Ever since then, I've been using sex as a reward for him being a great husband, and doing this has put a new spark in our sex life. We have like little nicknames for certain rewards, such as Hubby Special (which is me riding him, which is his favorite position because my huge butt and deepthroat while he just gets to lay there, do nothing and enjoy), which he gets for doing very sweet things or helping me in a big way,. And smaller favors for smaller things. I text him at work reminding him of his treat later for being a "great hubby", teasing him all day lol. And when he gets home at night, the sex is amazinggggg for both of us, cuz for some reason him having to "earn the kitty" (as he refers to it) really turns him on, and its great for me because I know I'm giving him something that he CRAVES. . But my girlfriends say I'm a ***** for using sex like this. I tell them that my man is useless without motivation, but they still think its wrong. Is it? We BOTH are loving this system!



Never use sex as a reward or to get your hubby to do things for you. That's manipulative and controlling your hubby with sex. That is so wrong and not loving.

He works very hard to provide for your and your son. That means he's tired after working all day and has the right to chill, be a bit lazy and not do as much around the house. 

You are a stay at home mom? Work part time? You should be doing the most of the chores and not him. He is working and providing for you, your son and a roof over your head and food to eat, yes?

Maybe its only me but Mrs.CuddleBug rewarding me with sex if I do something for her or behave a certain way, etc. doesn't work. I relieve myself and don't put up with that.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

christine83 said:


> Im not selling anything. And yes, I do think I enjoy the dominance aspect of it


Actually, you are. You are transacting your body for services rendered.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

A man won't reward a woman with sex (mostly)! He'll offer cash, a plush home, fancy cars, a great lifestyle... and which woman doesn't want such rewards?


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

The more I read it, the more it seems like a mutually pleasurable role-playing fantasy to me... don't miss the way in OP gives her hubby pleasurable sex, and no-work-for-him-involved time in bed.

As a guy who can sometimes enjoy a submissive role, this would be fun  

I think OP should be despatched to write hot, hot, hot letters to FORUM sex life file!


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Ok. Guy slacks around the house and wife gets tired of it and loses attraction for him. Guy is given advice to help more around the house, get his sh1t together, and man up aka stop being lazy.

Guy does this and sex life gets better. 

What's the difference? Isn't that guy essentially being rewarded for being a good husband?


I think a lot of people missed the part where the OP said the sex is great for both of them. SHE LOVES IT TOO. It sounds more like a sex game. She just incorporated getting some crap done around the house into the game.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Your marriage works for you. It's not sexless. You communicate. Just keep the dialog going. Work on being the person you want to be.

The mere fact that you can talk about what your needs are is great.

Sex is often transactional. As long as there is love and respect at the foundation, how can it be wrong?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I Don't Know said:


> Ok. Guy slacks around the house and wife gets tired of it and loses attraction for him. Guy is given advice to help more around the house, get his sh1t together, and man up aka stop being lazy.
> 
> Guy does this and sex life gets better.
> 
> ...


I didn't miss anything. I disagree with why it is good. Like I said, it isn't terrible yet but could easily go there if he grows up or she starts desiring a grown up.

The Dom thing is great all by itself. LOL!&#55357;&#56833;&#55357;&#56840;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

In my house I have spent years training my wife to tease me and withhold sex until I accomplish something important. If she just gives it to me (prepaying as she says), then I feel lazy, lethargic and unable to accomplish anything because she will have worn me completely slap out. 

So now my wife can be brutal with me and rejecting all my advances until let's say I have completed something important. Then she finally gives it to me or I take it from her depending on who you ask. It is like a huge explosion of fireworks.

Since in my house we seriously can't determine yet who is the victim (Me or her, as I ask her to tease me, and she also gets what she wants), I would say what you are doing is PERFECTLY FINE! 

Carry on!

Badsata


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

So what's going to be your marriage dynamic in 20 years when his sex drive declines and he doesn't want to earn tricks?


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

You're one of the exceptions. Many women would prefer the other route; and guys are happy (specially if alpha and affluent -- not me!) to pay up!


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I think it's fine with a few caveats.

1. You're not doing it SOLELY on a reward system. I.E. you're not denying sex if he forgets to take out the trash. 

2. You're not doing it despite not wanting to do it. "ugh, i'd rather not but I promised if he trimmed the tree..."

3. You can still manage to respect him after all is said and done, and he can still manage to respect himself. This might be the hardest one to overcome.


How would you feel if the situation were reversed? Would you be cool with services rendered for YOU as a reward for ironing his socks? Or would you kind of feel like a tool?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

christine83 said:


> First some background: My husband works very hard to provide for our family (we have a 3 year old son), and I love him to death, but he is lazy, antisocial, and never helps around the house. Coincidentally, he is also a sex fiend. Like is addicted to my vagina  lol. In a moment of desperation a few months ago, I told him that if he'd come to work party with me (he is EXTREMELY socially awkward) I'd reward him with sex when we got home. Long story short, he immediately perked up and went with me, and was duly rewarded at the end of the night. Ever since then, I've been using sex as a reward for him being a great husband, and doing this has put a new spark in our sex life. We have like little nicknames for certain rewards, such as Hubby Special (which is me riding him, which is his favorite position because my huge butt and deepthroat while he just gets to lay there, do nothing and enjoy), which he gets for doing very sweet things or helping me in a big way,. And smaller favors for smaller things. I text him at work reminding him of his treat later for being a "great hubby", teasing him all day lol. And when he gets home at night, the sex is amazinggggg for both of us, cuz for some reason him having to "earn the kitty" (as he refers to it) really turns him on, and its great for me because I know I'm giving him something that he CRAVES. . But my girlfriends say I'm a ***** for using sex like this. I tell them that my man is useless without motivation, but they still think its wrong. Is it? *We BOTH are loving this system!*



:rofl: It is obviously working for both of you. You get a husband who is putting in more effort into the areas you want him to, and he gets this special reward sex that you two have turned into a game. I think it's cute!

Of course all this is predicated on the assumption that you two have sex other than JUST as a reward...right?


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

toonaive said:


> And when he gets tired of your "kitty"? then what?


For some very strange reason your post really made me laugh


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

I know this happens a lot but me, i would not stand for it


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Sure, it might be "working" now, but how about in the long run?

The way I see it, if you use sex as leverage he'll probably eventually turn into a needy, validation seeking codependent tied around your little finger. You may try not to abuse it, but eventually you likely will. He'll hold you on a pedestal and do anything you ask (losing your respect), and then when the inevitable rejections happen he'll feel utterly worthless and unattractive, feeling that you should just want him for who he is. So he'll try harder and harder by doing ALL the chores and when that doesn't work he'll resent you. 

At that point you'll likely feel that he just wants you around for sex, leaving you feeling unattractive as well. You'll both stop courting each other. This will leave you both open to advances from others and then one of you will be visiting the Coping with Infidelity thread.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

This is so much better than withholding. I'm with the if you are both happy keep doing it, crowd. Of course if you read the linked thread you will see that this is something I like.


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## iri (May 7, 2015)

As the HD partner in our relationship, I strongly advise you don't do this. This can surely lead to resentment and anger on part of your husband, especially if he begins to feel you're holding out on him to get something out him. Really don't go down this road.


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## totallywarped (Jan 26, 2013)

What's going to happen when he starts demanding rewards for everyday task. "Honey if I cut the grass can I get a bj?" "Hey I did the dishes... hint hint". It may be fun and exciting now because you're on a power kick but soon you will feel like a prostitute and he'll feel like a trained dog.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

totallywarped said:


> What's going to happen when he starts demanding rewards for everyday task. "Honey if I cut the grass can I get a bj?" "Hey I did the dishes... hint hint".


* Now that really does sound a whole lot like some overdemanding preadolescent bartering for their allowance, doesn't it?*


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> * Now that really does sound a whole lot like some overdemanding preadolescent bartering for their allowance, doesn't it?*


It sure does. And all he'll be doing is exactly what he's been trained to do.


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## Muse1976 (Apr 25, 2015)

OP. I'm happy both you and your husband are enjoying the system. I can see so many things going wrong with this situation though.

For me personally. I think I will add it to my top 10 list of fastest ways to have my wife divorce her. The outcome of her trying this would be biblical.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
This sounds like a game you both enjoy. As long as that is true, its great. I can see the appeal - its a interesting bi-directional D/S. At one level you control the sex. At another the agreement means you *have* to provide the sex. All good fun.


Now (in my opinion) the critical key: you need to still have good sex with him even if he stops doing what you ask. This shows that the whole "payment" thing is a game. That you are are just spicing up your sex life, not that it is really payment.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

FrenchFry said:


> *So, he loves it.
> 
> You love it.
> 
> ...


Honestly this is what it boils down to. It works for both of you two, so keep doing it. If 98% of us hold our nose because it wouldn't work in our relationships....who cares? You're not married to us, or to your friends. It works in your marriage. As long as you both are happy with it, carry on.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I don't have a problem with what she's doing. If her husband is into it and she's into it, who am I to judge? To each their own. Everybody has their kinks. Seems she and her husband have komplimentary kinks. And if the marriage is healthy in all other aspects, then I really don't see what the big deal is. 

At least he's getting some.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Actually, you are. You are transacting your body for services rendered.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, but it looks like she enjoys it too. It seems that it revived their sex life, and they both are happier now. 

How is this different from HD telling LD that they need to have sex at least whatever the number is?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> Yes, but it looks like she enjoys it too. It seems that it revived their sex life, and they both are happier now.
> 
> How is this different from HD telling LD that they need to have sex at least whatever the number is?


As long as she understands she is selling it then at least clarity is in place.

The difference you mentioned is easy. The latter is a conversation about sexual relations, the former, sexual transactions.

I predict failure if maturity is ever reached on one side or desired on the other.

Until then, enjoy! &#55357;&#56833;&#55357;&#56840;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

toonaive said:


> And when he gets tired of your "kitty"? then what?


:scratchhead:




:crazy:


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

My ex-wife used to jack me off if I went and got her a Starbucks latte.

i was all for it, she was rather good at it. But after awhile, I resented it because I figured out that that was turning into the only sexual contact we were having.

It turns out she was cheating and saving the V for the jerk.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

brownmale said:


> A man won't reward a woman with sex (mostly)! He'll offer cash, a plush home, fancy cars, a great lifestyle... and which woman doesn't want such rewards?


:scratchhead:


I'll take both the sex and the stuff. Duh.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

WandaJ said:


> *Yes, but it looks like she enjoys it too.* It seems that it revived their sex life, and they both are happier now.
> 
> How is this different from HD telling LD that they need to have sex at least whatever the number is?


You sure about the bolded? OP said this earlier.....


> I LOVE sex with my husband, *I just don't love it nearly as much as he does* lol.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> 
> I'll take both the sex and the stuff. Duh.


No doubt! LOL!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> 
> I'll take both the sex and the stuff. Duh.


If there was not good sex, I would not want the stuff from him.


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## sunhunter (Sep 4, 2013)

So far it's positive for both of you. As long as you have good sex outside of the rewards, I think you're doing fine. Everyone needs motivation in some way to do something that takes effort. You work hard, you get money. The most positive and rewarding thing for your husband is your physical love. That proofs he's still loving you and craving for you.

Sex as a reward is a positive stimulation, it's far better than the negative stimulation of withholding if you're dissatisfied because that’s the moment anger and resentment kick in.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Many moons back my girlfriend would, on occasion, encourage me to drive her to work, when I was meant to be driving in the opposite direction. Morning sex was the trade off. As my Father once told me; fair exchange is no robbery.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

michzz said:


> My ex-wife used to jack me off *if I went and got her a Starbucks latte.*
> 
> i was all for it, she was rather good at it. But after awhile, I resented it because I figured out that that was turning into the only sexual contact we were having.


_When Starbucks goes wrong_...

Sorry, couldn't resist.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Your happy, he's happy - what could be the problem then? If others think there is a problem, that is their problem and not yours. Most human behavior revolves around rewards and consequences. 

Consensual sex is a transaction. And most couples negotiate the terms of the transaction in one way or another. What makes one offer and the other accept often involves rewards and consequences in most relationships anyways, so I see no problem with being blunt about it and making a game out of your bluntness. It sounds like your bluntness actually got through to your hudsband. When he is lazy and unresponsive outside the sexual relationship, you don't feel very loving, giving and turned on sexually. And when he is motivated, helpful, and responsive in other areas of your relationship, you are more attracted and responsive to him in the sexually. Umm... sounds like most relationships to me.... 

As long as you are both enjoying each other during sex, and you both feel love and respect in the relationship, have good communication and are meeting each other's needs, then it seems you have found a good way to negotiate the terms of your sexual relationship. That means you are probably way ahead of your friends, do don't pay attention to what they think.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If the concept turns both of you on, then stick with it.
What the heck is wrong with everyone.
IF it stops being fun, then stop doing it.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> If there was not good sex, I would not want the stuff from him.


Me neither but the thing I quoted was just stupid so I was being silly in my response. "Men don't reward women with sex, they reward them with houses, cars....." is just stupid.


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## OLDERMARRIEDCOUPLE (Mar 13, 2015)

It's not a good idea. With out going into detail. If it works for now then it should be okay, but make sure you have a plan b because all of the roads that this type of relationship leads to will not make either of you happy in the long run.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If sex was used as a reward, we would have put a man on the moon around 1805. We could get males through college in about 6 months.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Faithful Wife said:


> Me neither but the thing I quoted was just stupid so I was being silly in my response. "Men don't reward women with sex, they reward them with houses, cars....." is just stupid.


But of course these are the traditional roles. Why deny it?


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> If sex was used as a reward, we would have put a man on the moon around 1805. We could get males through college in about 6 months.


But of course, sex HAS BEEN and continues to be used as a reward, mainly for the male species. I know this sounds disguisting, but it's quite easy for a woman to get me to do pretty much anything by holding out the offer of sex. Or a milder version of it -- female admiration, interest in me, and what not...


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Hicks said:


> What the heck is wrong with everyone.


Nothing. Just a bunch of solicited opinions.


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