# Not sure if I am paranoid or if there is an issue



## Chippie (Jun 23, 2016)

Him-52, me-50, married 30 years. H had a PA in 2001-2002 & EAs (online) in 2011. At the time of the PA I was weak minded and begged him to return to our family, after a year he did. At the time of the EAs (3 Asian women overseas), I told him he had to get help and if he did it again it was over between us. I see that I was still not strong enough to dump him. He said he would never do that again and he deleted the email addresses he had used. Both times, I found out about the affairs without even looking due to technology - the first time I saw an email from his sister asking about his AP and the second time I noticed overseas calls on his phone bill when he had left it lying about.

Forward to now. We work in a business together and I recently had to check a business email on his computer while he was out. While I was at his desk, I noticed that his FB was open and decided to have a look at his messages for idle curiosity. I noticed one from a woman (divorced) we both know, she lives 5 hours away from us. I was firstly curious to note that there was no chat history before August 5, unusual as I know he has chatted to her about her role in a business his mother runs. Then I read the current chat, where she sent a photo of a tattoo high on her thigh and he commented that she had nice pins and looked really hot. She thanked him and went on about her life and how hard it was and how hard it was to find a decent man.

I (stupidly) asked him about this conversation about her tattoo and he said it was nothing and that she didn't see him in any romantic way. I advised him I believed it was crossing a line into flirting and he should not be doing that. Later that day, I noticed the chat was deleted. This morning I had to use his phone to get an authorisation code to open some of our software and I saw a messenger chat window open for her, however, the conversation had been deleted. Google searches advise there is no way to recover deleted chats so I have no evidence of what they might be chatting about, just a suspicion that if a conversation needs to be deleted it cannot be good. He now knows I am watching him and checking his FB.

He probably does not know I can check the history of what pages he looks at on Google on his laptop by checking his desktop history. Recently he has been googling boobs a lot after I have gone to bed and on the weekends when I am out. Our sex life has tanked because he can rarely sustain an erection, even with meds. this might be due to his diabetes or the fact that I am not a super model with fake boobs. He also has issues with tearing around the head of the penis, the doc believes this is due to his diabetes as well.

Anyway, a big long story and I am still no closed to finding out if there is anything to be suspicious about or if previous experience has made me paranoid. There is no way he can have a burner phone unless someone else is handling it as there is no way he could pay for one without me knowing - I have to go over the credit card statements for the business and I pay all of our bills. He has no other source of income other that the business and anything he buys goes on the credit card. He asked me to take over the money as he gets too stressed. TBH, if I leave, the business will tank because I do all of the admin and most of the job processing - he does client contact and reviewing.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Well his history give you reason to question. All I know is it sucks to be married to someone like him. You have my sympathies. 

And to answer your question. YES you should be suspicious. Ones character doesn't change without consistent hard work and true lifestyle change. People have affairs because of a lack of character.


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## Chippie (Jun 23, 2016)

I forgot to add that some complications in my just cutting my losses and walking out is that I became a full time carer of our 12 year old ASD granddaughter in January and her medical bills are very costly. While I have plenty of work skills, I have no formal qualifications so finding a job at my age and with no quals in a depressed market would be very difficult. Granddaughter and I would have a big reduction in our lifestyle if I was to live on government benefits. No-one gives me child support for GD as her parents are useless lumps and my H would not have to as we are not court ordered guardians.

Financial security is the main reason I stay, if I hadn't take on GD, I would probably leave and live a lesser lifestyle by myself but I need to seriously consider how we would live if I am not working in our business.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Put a keylogger on his phone and computer. Make sure the anti-virus doesn't flag it and has it as an exception.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with the idea of a key logger. 

Are you able to check his phone bill to see if he's in contact with one or to phone numbers a lot?

You do have job skills. After all you have been working for some time now. It sounds like you have a lot of strong skills that you could include on a resume.

In regards to your husband, you might want to act like you believe that he's not done anything wrong. Just quietly keep an eye on him.


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## Chippie (Jun 23, 2016)

Thanks EleGirl, I have checked his phone bill. It comes to me to be paid. No numbers flagged at this point.

I am continuing to act as normally as I can, although normal is a relative term for me. I will look at what keyloggers I can put on his phone. That is where he seems to be accessing messenger from as it is not in his computer history. I closed all of the aps on his phone this morning as he never does that and if I get a chance to grab if off the bedside table in the morning before he wakes up, I will see if he has opened chat again tonight after I have gone to bed.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I've used the keylogger www.webwatcher.com in the past. I worked very well. I can be run in a way that security software does not detect it. Their technical team will even help you install it, for a fee. It logs all keystrokes and captures screen shots. All the log files are uploaded to their website so you can check the log data on their site and don't need to go on his devices to see the activity.

Does he spend much time driving around in his car for business, etc?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Chippie, your husband is a mangy cur and doesn't deserve you.

And make sure to be checked out for STDs, as he can't be trusted not to dip his wick into the wrong oil container, if you see what I mean?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I understand your need to consider your own and GD's financial security but this is an awful way to live. You say your sex life has tanked. Would it be possible to ask him for an in house separation but stay in the business so you can earn an income and then he can do what he wants.
Do the 180 to emotional detach, stop being concerned with him.
Start saving money and creating your own fund
Start living a life without him, join a women's group, join a gym, book clubs, etc. Enjoy your life without him. There is no point in doing continuous survellience, that is just creating more misery for you. He is simply a dog and will not change.
I don't see why you would want to have anything to so with your WH, he sounds like a man *****, surely you are much better than that. You should also see a lawyer to see what your options are and whether your WH would have responsibility for her. Doesn't your WH not have care or consideration for her, she is his flesh and blood also?


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## Stryder (Feb 15, 2018)

Tattoo girl was fishing to see if your husband was interested. He let her know he was. Huge red flags.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Chippie said:


> I forgot to add that some complications in my just cutting my losses and walking out is that I became a full time carer of our 12 year old ASD granddaughter in January and her medical bills are very costly. While I have plenty of work skills, I have no formal qualifications so finding a job at my age and with no quals in a depressed market would be very difficult. Granddaughter and I would have a big reduction in our lifestyle if I was to live on government benefits. No-one gives me child support for GD as her parents are useless lumps and my H would not have to as we are not court ordered guardians.
> 
> Financial security is the main reason I stay, if I hadn't take on GD, I would probably leave and live a lesser lifestyle by myself but I need to seriously consider how we would live if I am not working in our business.


Have you seen a lawyer to find out if this is really the case? You could maybe get guardianship ordered, and then you could proceed with divorce and get child support.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I just have to say this.

I'll *never *understand women who find out they're married to a lying cheater - and he* continues *to prove it to her again and again - and she's actually_ surprised_ every time she catches him.

Chippie, do you know the definition of insanity? It's doing the same thing over and over - and expecting different results.

The life you've chosen with this lying snake is "marriage monitor." For the rest of your life, your job is to continually monitor this guy to see what he's doing behind your back - while he has ZERO interest in any romance or sex with you at all. You work together so you probably don't even get a break from the monotony of being together 24 hours a day. This just sounds like the 7th Circle of Hell.

Do you honestly feel that settling for _this_ pitiful existence is *all* you deserve?

PS: stop using the excuse that you can't leave this degenerate because of your business going under. You can still fulfill your business roles with him gone or you gone, and without being in a dysfunctional relationship with him.


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