# My wife is unhappy



## Terry086 (Oct 6, 2021)

Hi everyone and thanks in advance for taking the time to read this and apologies for the length of the post.

We have been married for 9 years and together for 14 with 2 kids aged 8 and 11. A couple of years ago I started to suffer from depression and anxiety. I didn’t recognise the symptoms and struggled through for 12 months and I know I wasn’t easy to live with. I finally realised something was wrong but my wife and I had grown very distant. She has since admitted she has a huge amount of resentment towards me after this and also from some of my behaviour previously where she thought I took her for granted. 

About 12 months ago I started therapy and it was the best decision I ever made. It became clear that the reason for my depression and anxiety was really the state of our deteriorating relationship. The psychologist suggested we do some sessions together which we did. These seemed to help. The psychologist then suggested that he need to spend some time working just with my wife. These sessions also seemed to help and we were reconnecting and making progress.

Then 6 months ago my wife’s father died completely unexpectedly. My wife had a very complicated relationship with him but they were close. She inherited his company which was in a complete mess. It has completely taken over her life. Since then she is struggling with stress, depression and anxiety. She has also grown colder and colder towards me over this period of time despite the fact I have been really supportive and understanding. She has already said she wouldn’t have got through it without my help and support.

At the weekend we had a rare chance to do something one evening without the kids. We went shopping late afternoon and then were going to go grab a drink. When we came home to get ready she got upset. I asked her what it was and she said she is unhappy. She said she appreciates everything I’ve done to change and all the effort I have put in over the last 12 months but she can’t get over the resentment. I was heartbroken.

We spoke for a long time and she said she loves me still. She said she doesn’t really know what she wants and has asked for some time to think about it. I said I wanted to try make it work again and if she decides she wants to that we need to go back to the couples counselling. I also think she needs to change her ways to make it work as I have done everything I can over the last 12 months and can’t do it on my own. 

I am well aware of how tough things are for her at the moment and want nothing more than to be there for her. It is so hard though and tough on my mental and physical health to hear that she isn’t happy and thinks we should separate. I am trying hang in there whilst she thinks about it. I’m finding it so difficult though as it’s like having my heart broken day after day when I see her upset and also knowing she doesn’t want me when I want her more than anything in the world.

Any advice would be really appreciated and interested to know if anyone has had similar experiences. Thanks


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

I think what you don't understand, and what she might not understand either, is that you're actually adding to her depression and anxiety by acting so passive. 

Women feel safe and secure with a guy who is strong and you lost that respect when you succumbed to depression. And you've just been digging your hole deeper and deeper by tossing her into the driver's seat of the relationship and leaving her there.

I would sit her down, apologize for dropping the ball those months, tell her it will never happen again, that you love her, but this isn't working. How much you want to be her husband but if she's going to make 0 effort and be cold as ice to you this isn't going to work out. And no matter what path you guys take you'll be there to support her and the kids as much as you can.

Get back in the driver's seat. If it works out, great. If it doesn't, never get out of that seat again in any of your next relationships.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

I had a similar experience, however, I had been married 29 years at the time. I did not know it at the time, I was suffering from PTSD and depression. My wife’s father died, too. My wife became distant, indifferent, and asked me for a separation. I learned after going into detective mode, she was involved with a coworker.

I hope your situation is different than mine. Two questions: 1- has she said anything along the lines of “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”? 2- Does she work outside the home? From your description of your situation it seems she is trying to distance herself from you.

You can’t make her love you, but my advice is keep working on you. Keep seeing a counselor, find time to exercise, and make your children a priority. I’m quite certain your children may sense things are not right between the two of you.

Keep posting, There are some individuals who provide great insight and advice on here.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Lots of couple go through one spouse having depression/anxiety. I’ve had it and was quite sick. In long marriages, it’s expected and normal that probably both people get sick at some point. 

But I’m not sure what it was about your depression and anxiety that she resents you for so badly that she feels the marriage is over??

What were your symptoms? For example, I had trouble leaving the house, enjoying activities and functioning normally. I couldn’t work, couldn’t eat, couldn’t really sleep (had a serious traumatic event, so I could barely sting two words together for a while). But my family had a heads up, I made them aware I wasn’t going to be my normal self for a bit (so did the team that treated me) I had a good medical team, took what I needed to get better, and I asked for a lot of help. I’d be pretty furious if anyone resented me for being that unwell. They helped when they could and felt very sorry for me. My behaviour didn’t change though, I didn’t hurt myself or my family. I probably appeared like I had surgery or a prolonged influenza or something. They knew I loved them and we can look back on that now with good memories and love.

This doesn’t sound like your experience, or your wife’s though… What was it about your depression and anxiety has her so angry? You also mentioned your marriage caused it? What led you to get treatment?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Terry086 said:


> We spoke for a long time and she said she loves me still. She said she doesn’t really know what she wants and has asked for some time to think about it.


Dude, it sounds a lot like you just got the "I love you, but am not in love with you" speech.

that is not a good thing


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

She's detached and she is not coming back. She doesn't love you, she cares about you, the father of her children. Once the resentment kicks in, it's over.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

Sorry @Terry086 ti be going through this with the improvements you have made this past year. A question you said when your wife’s father died and she took over his company does she now work out of the office? If so I’m sorry but as @No Longer Lonely Husband said above she may. E developing feelings for someone at the business. I would keep focusing on continuing to work on yourself and let your wife know you still love and care for her, but I would really start keeping an eye on your wife and her actions. Best of luck!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

yes, she is acting detached from you.
and there is a high possibility she has another lover now. 

she will probably milk the situation for a while where she is out of the house "on business" while you watch the kids. During this time she will try on the new lover, to see if he is good enough to leave you for. it may happen that out of the blue she asks for a divorce, or she may come back because her lover rejected her as a long time mate. but that does not help you, because she will just start looking again for a new guy to replace you.

this is all conjecture on our parts to suggest such things, but it happens a lot, and is reported her on TAM a lot. so start investigating it all yourself. What does she do for lunch time, for instance? Is she eating a sandwich at work by herself, OR going out to meet somebody for 1 1/2 hours?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

So you had depression and anxiety and she can't get over that, but then she goes through the same thing and is cold towards you but it's still not okay that you went through that in the past?

Sounds like a case of she can dish it out, but not take it herself.


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## Terry086 (Oct 6, 2021)

Thanks everyone for the replies. I’ll take it all in board. Just to clear up one thing though we both work at the same place. I see her there everyday and we often go for a coffee together at lunch. I’m sure nothing is going on with any work colleagues. Not dismissing what you have said and indicated and it’s possible it could be from another source but she is so busy and stressed and depressed herself right now that I don’t think there is another guy involved. I have asked her on a couple of occasions straight and she has promised there isn’t. She doesn’t really lie to me about things so I’m inclined to believe her although obviously I’m not 100% sure


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## Terry086 (Oct 6, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Lots of couple go through one spouse having depression/anxiety. I’ve had it and was quite sick. In long marriages, it’s expected and normal that probably both people get sick at some point.
> 
> But I’m not sure what it was about your depression and anxiety that she resents you for so badly that she feels the marriage is over??
> 
> ...


I think she feels I disappeared and wasn’t invested in our marriage. I definitely was but probably had issues in displaying it and can understand how from her perspective it came across that way. She then threw herself into a new hobby and I started missing her and then resenting the hobby and her by proxy. I could see that our marriage was under threat but back then we were both awful communicators. So my reaction was depression and anxiety


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Terry086 said:


> Thanks everyone for the replies. I’ll take it all in board. Just to clear up one thing though we both work at the same place. I see her there everyday and we often go for a coffee together at lunch. I’m sure nothing is going on with any work colleagues. Not dismissing what you have said and indicated and it’s possible it could be from another source but she is so busy and stressed and depressed herself right now that I don’t think there is another guy involved. I have asked her on a couple of occasions straight and she has promised there isn’t. She doesn’t really lie to me about things so I’m inclined to believe her although obviously I’m not 100% sure


They don't tell you when you ask man.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Terry086 said:


> I think she feels I disappeared and wasn’t invested in our marriage. I definitely was but probably had issues in displaying it and can understand how from her perspective it came across that way. She then threw herself into a new hobby and I started missing her and then resenting the hobby and her by proxy. I could see that our marriage was under threat but back then we were both awful communicators. So my reaction was depression and anxiety


Ah I see, you didn't have general clinical depression and anxiety, you were feeling the effects of an unhappy marriage. 

Still seems to me that she can dish it out, and go through bad period of her own, but won't forgive you for going through a hard time when your marriage was crap.

That's not good.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Terry she may work with you and generally not lie to you, but is it possible that someone else has caught her eye making her think that her marriage to you is not right (and that maybe with someone like him, it could be)?

She may well have harboured resentment but a reminder of "in sickness and in health" is a good call to be followed by you making up for lost time. However, she needs to be completely free of other "distractions" for this to work.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Terry086 said:


> I think she feels I disappeared and wasn’t invested in our marriage. I definitely was but probably had issues in displaying it and can understand how from her perspective it came across that way. She then threw herself into a new hobby and I started missing her and then resenting the hobby and her by proxy. I could see that our marriage was under threat but back then we were both awful communicators. So my reaction was depression and anxiety


During your depression was she also wrangling one or two small children?
Some resentments are almost impossible to overcome because you never get a chance to improve. Such as telling someone they aren't good enough for you. Cheating. Messing up a wedding day, day of birth, raising small children. 

See IF you missed some date nights you can start dating. IF you missed some sex you can start having sex. But milestones or really tough things you don't usually get a redo. Raising small children alone while with another parent is hard not to fell the resentment. and you can't improve once the children are older because then it's already easier.

You two maybe able to survive if she wants it to. You both can work on the relationship and expressing love in the way the other appreciates. But resentment is a relationship/love destroyer. If she has carried that for 10 years it's going to be hard change her feelings. She has probably detached. 

So what are her resentments?


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

Okay thanks for the addition information about the work situation @Terry086 How about this hobby you discussed in your last post is it a solo hobby or with other people? 


Terry086 said:


> I think she feels I disappeared and wasn’t invested in our marriage. I definitely was but probably had issues in displaying it and can understand how from her perspective it came across that way.


I would let her know as you said in the above quote what she said about your previous issues that she is doing the exact same thing to you now. Best of luck!


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

HappilyMarried1 said:


> I would let her know as you said in the above quote what she said about your previous issues that she is doing the exact same thing to you now. Best of luck!


What's the point of that? She doesn't care about him... he is still in the pick me (again) dance phase, she left the sinking ship ages ago.


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## Terry086 (Oct 6, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> During your depression was she also wrangling one or two small children?
> Some resentments are almost impossible to overcome because you never get a chance to improve. Such as telling someone they aren't good enough for you. Cheating. Messing up a wedding day, day of birth, raising small children.
> 
> See IF you missed some date nights you can start dating. IF you missed some sex you can start having sex. But milestones or really tough things you don't usually get a redo. Raising small children alone while with another parent is hard not to fell the resentment. and you can't improve once the children are older because then it's already easier.
> ...


Thanks for your thoughts.

No I don’t believe it’s a huge milestone per se. I’m a very good dad and it’s one of the few things I feel I’ve done well at in my life! I think she feels she put everything she had into our marriage and I just coasted along. I never knew she felt that way or would have changed sooner. Even in her friend and family groups she is quite assertive and tends to lead on things. I thought she enjoyed it whilst now I understand it would have meant a lot to her if I had been more proactive.

I actually thought she was happy with me though Then my depression and anxiety came along and I’m only guessing here but I think she took that personally. I think she thought even after all her efforts I still ended up having mental health troubles.


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## Mr Jim (10 mo ago)

I'm going through a similar issue after 34 years. I attributed it to my wife's father dying. It turns out that is when she started anti-depressants and mixing with alcohol and drugs. 

You can't be anymore responsible for her happiness as she could be for yours. We are all responsible for our own happiness. Blaming someone else, as she is doing, is wrong. 

IMO, there isn't much you could do at this point except let her go as I am doing. Any attempt to beg, manipulate or guilt is weak and would only be temporary. 

If you work there, look for another job. Start taking care of yourself. One day at a time. 

I hope things work out for you


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I know that maybe you couldn’t help it but that entire depression/anxiety thing will turn a woman off like nothing else. If you can’t take care of yourself how can she expect you to take care of her and the family?? I know that doesn’t sound fair but it is what it is. At that point you are just another thing she has to take care of instead of something she can lean on for leadership and support. If I were you I would never say the word depression or anxiety out load again….. ever. 

As harsh as it may be I’d expect my wife to dump me if I fell down that rabbit hole.

Determine if you want to fake it for your kids sake and know you will always be in hindsite of your wife’s attraction of if that isn’t acceptable and just GTFO.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You are definitely playing the pick me dance. Chasing a woman like this never works out. The more you chase, the more they run. Have a talk with her a d tell her you love her and want to be married, but don’t want her to be unhappy, so you are filing for divorce. Have her the papers and let her with her way back to you if she wants to stay married.
Oh, you can’t support yourself if you don’t have a job working for her company? Well that’s a lot of your problem. She’s been using you to help her run the company, but doesn’t want to share it with you. You need an attorney badly. You don’t want to? Well nobody does. What you will find out is that if you keep letting this go without addressing it with your passive “it’s all my fault” attitude, your wife will soon divorce YOU abd leave you out in the cold with nothing.

She’s told you. Listen to her. File for divorce. It’s not a fast process, but you need to be in the driver’s seat. Hope she tries to get you back. Don’t expect this. When a woman falls out of love with a man fir whatever reason, it just doesn’t come back. They don’t see you the same. You’re like a stranger they don’t want to meet.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Terry086 said:


> right now that I don’t think there is another guy involved.* I have asked her on a couple of occasions* straight and she has promised there isn’t.


What were the reasons you asked this?

If you ever wonder about this again, do not ask her about it.... it just tips them off that you are suspicious and they are more careful if that is what is happening.

Was her Dad living in the same town as you before he passed? If not, has she had to travel back to her home town during the process of dealing with his passing?


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## Terry086 (Oct 6, 2021)

re16 said:


> What were the reasons you asked this?
> 
> If you ever wonder about this again, do not ask her about it.... it just tips them off that you are suspicious and they are more careful if that is what is happening.
> 
> Was her Dad living in the same town as you before he passed? If not, has she had to travel back to her home town during the process of dealing with his passing?


No same town


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Mr.Married said:


> I know that maybe you couldn’t help it but that entire depression/anxiety thing will turn a woman off like nothing else. If you can’t take care of yourself how can she expect you to take care of her and the family?? I know that doesn’t sound fair but it is what it is. At that point you are just another thing she has to take care of instead of something she can lean on for leadership and support. If I were you I would never say the word depression or anxiety out load again….. ever.
> 
> As harsh as it may be I’d expect my wife to dump me if I fell down that rabbit hole.
> 
> Determine if you want to fake it for your kids sake and know you will always be in hindsite of your wife’s attraction of if that isn’t acceptable and just GTFO.


You are basically saying people should GTFO if their partners start showing signs of depression and/or anxiety?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

@Terry086, be vigilant. I received the same type of comments from my FWW. I never thought mine would step outside of the marriage. I’m not saying she is cheating, but only be mindful that this can occur. I was checked out back in 2015 dealing with depression and PTSD and my FIL died in January. This hit my FWW hard. I was checked out dealing with my demons, and she was easy prey to a player, he said all the right things, and had several encounters with him over a nine-month period before I listened to the season veterans on this site.

I never suspected, nor did I ever consider my FWW would cheat. But after processing the advice I was given, I went into detective mode, found a few bits of evidence and confronted and blew the **** up. My advice to you is simply be vigilant. EYES OPEN>>>MOUTH SHUT.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> You are basically saying people should GTFO if their partners start showing signs of depression and/or anxiety?


I’m saying a person should be given fair time … not years. No need to eat garbage sacrificing yourself for someone else’s issue the rest of your life. Harsh … yes but it is what it is. I’m not going to fall down that black hole and I don’t wish it on my partner either. Cut bait.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

You said she's been distant for a while, and had a meltdown when you two were going to have rare alone time... how frequent are bedroom activities?


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## Terry086 (Oct 6, 2021)

re16 said:


> You said she's been distant for a while, and had a meltdown when you two were going to rare alone time... how frequent are bedroom activities?


Before her dad passed it was 1-2 times per week. Since he passed 6 months ago it’s been maybe 3-4 times in total


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Terry086 said:


> Since he passed 6 months ago it’s been maybe 3-4 times in total


I think less than 10 per year is definition of sexless marriage, you are now on that pace. I would be extremely suspicious of this fall off in activity...

There are starting to be some red flags in this story, especially with her confession that she's not sure about the relationship. Are there times when she is away from you, does she guard her phone or do you have full access? Girls nights out? Long shopping trips?

Have you checked the phone records online to see who she is calling?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Mr.Married said:


> I’m saying a person should be given fair time … not years. No need to eat garbage sacrificing yourself for someone else’s issue the rest of your life. Harsh … yes but it is what it is. I’m not going to fall down that black hole and I don’t wish it on my partner either. Cut bait.


yes, I agree... give up after x time and don't turn yourself into a co-dependent martyr, as I did...


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## Terry086 (Oct 6, 2021)

re16 said:


> I think less than 10 per year is definition of sexless marriage, you are now on that pace. I would be extremely suspicious of this fall off in activity...
> 
> There are starting to be some red flags in this story, especially with her confession that she's not sure about the relationship. Are there times when she is away from you, does she guard her phone or do you have full access? Girls nights out? Long shopping trips?
> 
> Have you checked the phone records online to see who she is calling?


I put it down to her losing her father and the huge shock and grief. Also all of the stress associated with now running the business. I don’t want to be naive but I don’t want to be distrusting either. Tough balance. I have noticed the dominant response here has been that another person is involved


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Terry086 said:


> I put it down to her losing her father and the huge shock and grief. Also all of the stress associated with now running the business. I don’t want to be naive but I don’t want to be distrusting either. Tough balance. I have noticed the dominant response here has been that another person is involved


Let’s say the possibility of another person. You need to be cognizant this could occur. The same signs you mention, were present with my FWW.

From your posts she seems to be distancing from you. Rest assured should you get the ILYBNiLWY your radar better go up.

No pick me dance. Do not show weakness. Show strength. Women respect strength not weakness.

Consider reading the 180. Implement it.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Terry086 said:


> I put it down to her losing her father and the huge shock and grief. Also all of the stress associated with now running the business. I don’t want to be naive but I don’t want to be distrusting either. Tough balance. I have noticed the dominant response here has been that another person is involved


You may be correct that there isn't anything, but we see it a lot around here and the script is often very similar. Even down to the timing coinciding with the death of parent.

There is a sudden re-writing of the current of history (you being better and helpful during the past year) as you doing negative things and damaging the relationship, it is part of how they begin to justify their actions.

Be very vigilant, but again DO NOT CONFRONT, unless you find some hard evidence.

Every single person that comes here says that their spouse wouldn't cheat, doesn't have the time etc... but then many discover the truth.

I'd say this story checks enough boxes that it is worth thoroughly investigating.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> yes, I agree... give up after x time and don't turn yourself into a co-dependent martyr, as I did...


Very true but you are a much different person now than you were back when you showed up. You have come a very long way and that’s a good thing 💪🏼


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

re16 said:


> You may be correct that there isn't anything, but we see it a lot around here and the script is often very similar. Even down to the timing coinciding with the death of parent.
> 
> There is a sudden re-writing of the current of history (you being better and helpful during the past year) as you doing negative things and damaging the relationship, it is part of how they begin to justify their actions.
> 
> ...


Indeed. Eerily similar to my predicament a few years ago.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

My mother died recently. She had Parkinson's and dementia, but was in otherwise good health. Then she suddenly declined over a period of about a month and passed away. It was a terrible shock to the family and to me. I have not been the same since. It is very odd to me, but my mother's passing has changed me in several ways. I'm wondering if this could be the case with your wife too. The combination of all the things that have happened in your lives and marriage combined with her father's death could be having a profound impact on her thinking.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Terry086 said:


> I put it down to her losing her father and the huge shock and grief. Also all of the stress associated with now running the business. I don’t want to be naive but I don’t want to be distrusting either. Tough balance. I have noticed the dominant response here has been that another person is involved


Listen, there are a lot of guys on this forum who insist the the problem in every marriage is that the wife is cheating, because they themselves were burned. I think you have a good read on what is going on. I think you checking out due to depression left her carrying an even bigger load and it was too much for her, and now her dad dying, she is having trouble functioning too because also of depression and anxiety. 

I agree with that one other poster, I believe Gaius, who said you need to step up and lead more in all things and take some of that off of her going forward. If you need to hire help at home, such as a weekly housekeeper or enroll kids in childcare so there's not as much running taxi, then do it. And if you can help further with work, do that. 

Ask HER what would help her the most at home to unburden her, with the suggestions I gave you, and also ask her what would be the best thing you could do at work to help. Maybe you need to fill in for her one day a week so she can have a day or maybe she needs to hire an assistant. 

Right now isn't the time to be trying to fix your love/sex life, IMO. Just like when someone is depressed, it isn't time to make life changing decisions. Your sex life doesn't sound that bad to me, but there are guys on here who literally think a wife should do it anytime YOU want, which isn't true. So right now is not the time for raising that issue. 

Get you both back mentally healthy and unstressed for a few months and see what happens. 

If she wants to continue counseling, her or both of you, and has time, then do it. If the money would be better spent on housekeeping or childcare, then do that, or do both.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Go online and check the phone bill. Just a precautionary check.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Terry086 said:


> Thanks everyone for the replies. I’ll take it all in board. Just to clear up one thing though we both work at the same place. I see her there everyday and we often go for a coffee together at lunch. I’m sure nothing is going on with any work colleagues. Not dismissing what you have said and indicated and it’s possible it could be from another source but she is so busy and stressed and depressed herself right now that I don’t think there is another guy involved. I have asked her on a couple of occasions straight and she has promised there isn’t. She doesn’t really lie to me about things so I’m inclined to believe her although obviously I’m not 100% sure


Cmon man, if there is she’s not going to tell you. They never do. At least rule that out.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Listen, there are a lot of guys on this forum who insist the the problem in every marriage is that the wife is cheating, because they themselves were burned. I think you have a good read on what is going on. I think you checking out due to depression left her carrying an even bigger load and it was too much for her, and now her dad dying, she is having trouble functioning too because also of depression and anxiety.
> 
> I agree with that one other poster, I believe Gaius, who said you need to step up and lead more in all things and take some of that off of her going forward. If you need to hire help at home, such as a weekly housekeeper or enroll kids in childcare so there's not as much running taxi, then do it. And if you can help further with work, do that.
> 
> ...


*The reason people suspect infidelity is because it happens all the time*. I can’t tell you how many I’ve seen in the 7 years I’ve been on here as well as other forums. You see red flags it’s best to at least check it out a bit before jumping into the pick me dance or trying to nice them back. Which never works. 
We all hope we’re wrong but you are here for a reason.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> *The reason people suspect infidelity is because it happens all the time*. I can’t tell you how many I’ve seen in the 7 years I’ve been on here as well as other forums. You see red flags it’s best to at least check it out a bit before jumping into the pick me dance or trying to nice them back. Which never works.
> We all hope we’re wrong but you are here for a reason.


He lives and works with her. He's sure that's not it. Give it up.

And also, just because a guy decides that MUST be the reason she doesn't want him anymore doesn't make it true. It's just somehow easier for him to accept if he can make her into a **** if he's losing her.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Terry086 said:


> I think she feels I disappeared and wasn’t invested in our marriage. I definitely was but probably had issues in displaying it and can understand how from her perspective it came across that way. She then threw herself into a new hobby and I started missing her and then resenting the hobby and her by proxy. I could see that our marriage was under threat but back then we were both awful communicators. So my reaction was depression and anxiety


You placing all the blame on yourself is a common sad mistake many Hs make.

Her insisting you're fully to blame for all the M problems is a bad sign for you.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He lives and works with her. He's sure that's not it. Give it up.
> 
> And also, just because a guy decides that MUST be the reason she doesn't want him anymore doesn't make it true. It's just somehow easier for him to accept if he can make her into a **** if he's losing her.


Nope, he should at the very least rule it out. Takes all of 15 minutes. 
Blame shifting BS is very common.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> @Terry086, be vigilant. I received the same type of comments from my FWW. I never thought mine would step outside of the marriage. I’m not saying she is cheating, but only be mindful that this can occur. I was checked out back in 2015 dealing with depression and PTSD and my FIL died in January. This hit my FWW hard. I was checked out dealing with my demons, and she was easy prey to a player, he said all the right things, and had several encounters with him over a nine-month period before I listened to the season veterans on this site.
> 
> I never suspected, nor did I ever consider my FWW would cheat. But after processing the advice I was given, I went into detective mode, found a few bits of evidence and confronted and blew the **** up. My advice to you is simply be vigilant. EYES OPEN>>>MOUTH SHUT.


I remember when he came here. Head hung low, wife wanted a separation, it was all his fault, etc.
He took the advice given and and found out it was blame shifting BS. Now that may or may not be the case in your situation but it pays to check.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> Nope, he should at the very least rule it out. Takes all of 15 minutes.
> Blame shifting BS is very common.


How does it take all of 15 minutes if he chooses to respect her privacy since there's been no reason not to? Don't you think that would degrade the relationship considerably?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

DownByTheRiver said:


> How does it take all of 15 minutes if he chooses to respect her privacy since there's been no reason not to? Don't you think that would degrade the relationship considerably?


He’s got some red flags. Not doing at least a cursory check would be extremely naive. The relationship is already degraded. Its his phone bill too. It’s his life to do with as he chooses.
I’ve seen many come here thinking there could never ever be a problem. Then find out differently. Not uncommon or unusual.
I’ve seen people trying to fix problems and not know what the problem is. 
My sister was a wayward. Went to church, even taught Sunday school. No one could believe it.The blame shifting and lies were incredible.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> He’s got some red flags. Not doing at least a cursory check would be extremely naive. The relationship is already degraded. Its his phone bill too. It’s his life to do with as he chooses.
> I’ve seen many come here thinking there could never ever be a problem. Then find out differently. Not uncommon or unusual.
> I’ve seen people trying to fix problems and not know what the problem is.
> My sister was a wayward. Went to church, even taught Sunday school. No one could believe it.The blame shifting and lies were incredible.


I've seen many come here sure that wasn't going on and getting brainwashed into thinking their wife was cheating by the same several people when the problem was probably something more like them not picking up their own socks.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I've seen many come here sure that wasn't going on and getting brainwashed into thinking their wife was cheating by the same several people when the probably was probably something more like them not picking up their own socks.


Red flags are red flags. All this privacy bs is nonsense. A spouse that cares is a spouse that is open and honest, and willing to gladly dispel any fears of infidelity.
People that need all this “privacy” in a marriage…….. they are people that are up to something they don’t want any light shed on.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I've seen many come here sure that wasn't going on and getting brainwashed into thinking their wife was cheating by the same several people when the probably was probably something more like them not picking up their own socks.


I haven’t. 
Usually when there are red flags there is something in the mix. It may not be 100% but it’s high.
I’m not saying there is or isn’t. I am saying it’s better to take a look around than not.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Terry086 said:


> I put it down to her losing her father and the huge shock and grief. Also all of the stress associated with now running the business. I don’t want to be naive but I don’t want to be distrusting either. Tough balance. I have noticed the dominant response here has been that another person is involved


I think that more accurately the dominate male response is someone else is involved. I certainly can't currently tell. What I do know is when a parent dies most often it forces people to look at their own lives and is often an impetus for change.

So maybe she needed someone to be there for her when her dad died and maybe that wasn't you in the way she wanted and she did start up with someone else.

Or maybe when her dad died she had some of her own depression. It's been six months. You had depression for longer. Most depressed women don't want sex.

Maybe when her dad died she looked at how her life is going and decided she didn't like it. She has resentment from before and you've haven't said what that resentment is specifically. I know I had a relationship with my Dad my whole life. It was kind of one sided and not very deep. When my mom died, they were divorced, I let the resentment for how my Dad treated my mom in the divorce well up and now I don't really talk to him. This is weird because she died like 20 years after they divorced so it wasn't fresh. But when she died I took stock of my life and it did change me. If I had resentment for my husband or if I felt that my marriage wasn't good or wasn't what I wanted it to be then I might detach and prepare to separate.

You say you are now as good as you are going to get and if the marriage is going to survive it's time for her to change. That maybe true. I find it hard to believe that without you two having some deep conversations you are where she needs you to be. Men and Women have these ideas as to what a husband should do or what a wife should do. That doesn't always play into why someone is having problems with you.

Could she be having an affair. Sure. Could she be having a mid-life parent death mental crisis or reevaluation of her life. As likely. Just remember the two aren't mutually exclusive. You can be having a mid-life identity crisis and an affair. But a mid-life crisis doesn't mean that you are making bad choices. It means you've refocused on what you find important. Sometimes you snap out of it in a year or 2 or sometimes you realize spending the rest of your life that you can't count on or find attractive just isn't your cup of tea anymore that freedom is worth more than safety.

I think you need to work more on figuring out where the resentment is coming from. She wasn't resentful because you were depressed. She was resentful for specific reasons. Then be honest do those reasons still exist. Did she have to take on all the responsibilities like paying bills, making large decisions, holding the family together? Does she still have to do those things? Does she want to do those things? But unless she is willing to work on letting go of the resentments and unless you can speak to her in a way she can hear, and feel then it really doesn't matter if there is someone else because this marriage is still toast if you can't resolve the issue.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Anastasia6 said:


> I think you need to work more on figuring out where the resentment is coming from


Agree with this. He stated that he got depressed when he realized the relationship was heading downhill, so it seems that her resentment was already building. Not sure if she was clearly stating her issues back then, or if OP was hearing it if she was....

Also agree that if it is the above (major resentment) or if she is cheating, relationship is very likely done either way, so OP needs to begin to face that reality as the most likely scenario going forward.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

This situation requires “improvise,adapt ,overcome”.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Death has a way of making you rethink yoir life choices.

My father passed in 2012. He and I also had a complicated relationship but were also extremely close.....so close that it helped me avoid facing how lonely I was in many ways in my marriage. Without him to talk to the fact that I didn't feel close to my now ex hb became more and more obvious. It's been 10 years and I still can't talk about him within tearing up.

So I understand that part. Now for the business.....is it really what she wants to do? I mean, she's not required to keep running it. Can it be sold? 

As for the resentment part, it's in female DNA to want to feel safe with our men. She doesn't feel safe with you.....the depression and anxiety causes a parent child type dynamic where she has to reassure you but cannot count on you and that is unattractive to us. Of course there are times when support is needed....my bf had a major surgery a couple of years ago and he needed a lot of emotional support leading up to it and I was happy to do my part. But that was temporary and event related......much different then carrying the relationship on yoir shoulders. My mom died a couple of years ago but I haven't had the same reaction with my bf because I feel close to him.

As others have said you have to man up and take some control here. By all means rule out another guy by doing some digging.....she will not tell you if there is one. If you're able to rule that out it's time to stand up and have a come to Jesus talk with her.....own your faults and tell her that at this point she's in with you or she's out.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I lost my father in January. I can tell you that it absolutely has made me compress the future into the forefront of my mind and reevaluate everything. Coming to grips with mortality will do that. If there were ever a time that I would chose to make drastic change it would be now. If my relationship with my wife wasn’t what I wanted it to be then she would be the first thing I would drop. When you have a brush with the reaper nothing looks better than a good dose of freedom.


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## Hauntedhedgefund (10 mo ago)

Terry086 said:


> Thanks for your thoughts.
> 
> No I don’t believe it’s a huge milestone per se. I’m a very good dad and it’s one of the few things I feel I’ve done well at in my life! I think she feels she put everything she had into our marriage and I just coasted along. I never knew she felt that way or would have changed sooner. Even in her friend and family groups she is quite assertive and tends to lead on things. I thought she enjoyed it whilst now I understand it would have meant a lot to her if I had been more proactive.
> 
> I actually thought she was happy with me though Then my depression and anxiety came along and I’m only guessing here but I think she took that personally. I think she thought even after all her efforts I still ended up having mental health troubles.


I'd say 99% of women resent it when their men don't lead. Taking the lead, even demanding you let them lead is usually just a test to see if you're weak or not. You proved your weakness all the while thinking you were proving your love and commitment. 

Better luck in the next round sir. I'd probably recommend skipping the actual marriage nuptials with the next one.

You do have one chance of saving this. Actually become a man. But that's going to be hard to do while you're with her. It would be easier to do if you were on your own for a while. Build yourself up, work on yourself and then go for what you want in life.


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## tyrone6384 (5 mo ago)

Man, I hate to hear this, Hell I hate to hear about any divorce that last longer then 5 years that a kid or children involved. Everybody have their flaws in life, just some more than others but being a man period is a job in itself and we looked at as the leader. Once we fall its over because the ones that behind us will lose hope and move on. My wife lost her mom and after that she looked at me and said she wasn't happy anymore. I learned that her mom was the glue in our marriage and once she was gone, I was done for. Crazy thing was that her mom hated me at first, but she got to experience the real me and started calling me her son. I hated to see her go because I knew things was going to change. then my stepson turned on me because he was angry with his dad and the passing of his grandma and picked a fight with his mom, but I tried to stop everything, but I ended up losing everything. I look at life differently now , so please be aware of everything and protect your heart.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Zombie Cat has been called and asked for his opinion. "Prrrrt! Meow, meow!"

Which apparently means "Time to close this zombie thread and put it to bed."


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