# Wife has male friends. OK or not? Advice please



## roughpatch (Aug 4, 2017)

My DW and I have been married almost 14 years and recently she has been hanging out and chatting with her girlfriends a lot more than usual and also has 2 male friends that she speaks with (but doesn't hang out with alone) and I am a bit insecure by it, even though I know there is nothing bad going on. One of the guys is a mutual friend and is 19 years old and speaks to my wife as a mother figure because he doesn't have much of a relationship with his own mom. This guy also speaks and meets for lunch with, another female friend of our family, so there is zero romantic connection there. The guy gets advice from my wife about his girlfriend, who he is infatuated with. That being said, I just find it odd that he has established this friendship with my wife.

The second guy is a bit different. His family and my wife's family grew up together and they were like brother and sister growing up. They lost touch for 20+ years and reconnected on FB recently. He is happily married and lives upstate and my wife and he have yet to meet up again, but they do speak a lot on the phone. Again, I do not think anything inappropriate is going on, but my wife doesn't really discuss their conversations unless I ask if she spoke with him that day. In the past I did mention that I didn't feel the need to be FB friends with him, so I guess she is just trying to prevent me from being uncomfortable and just has her friendship with him without including me. I thought this was what I wanted, but looking back, I think I want to know this person who my wife has become friends with again after so many years.

My question is, should i have anything to worry about and how can I approach my wife and say I'd like to know this guy as well to put myself at ease?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I see nothing wrong with having opposite sex friends (OSFs), IF a) there are good boundaries, b) there is suitable transparency (which is something you negotiate with your spouse), and c) no prior behaviors/events that call their trustworthiness into question. Definitely, yes, you can tell her that you'd like to know this guy better.

I have several OSFs; so does my wife. It's never been an issue or a problem - for us.


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## roughpatch (Aug 4, 2017)

There has never been an inkling of either of us looking elsewhere. I guess I am just not used to these new friendships since I do not have female friends.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

More info please. Do y'all have children? What are you and your wife's ages? When you say that your wife is hanging out with her girlfriends more, in what way? GNO? Drinking?
When I was 19, the only thing ever on my mind was sex! That boy doesn't want "motherly" advise, he wants "milf" advise. 
The other dude? Fishing for tail on FB.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

how is your relationship with your wife, is she there for you and are you there for her, are you still romantically in love with each other.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Career woman here, 59 years old, 37 years married (first marriage for both of us), and have friends from both sexes. I have Facebook & Twitter accounts; my husband does not have any as he doesn't like social media. My accounts are transparent, including my phone & he can visit them at anytime. I don't meet up one to one w/ any friends from the opposite sex nor go to bars. My husband is always invited anywhere I go, but has the option to decline. If he declines in an event, he drops me off & picks me up. It has worked for us; peace of mind for both.


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## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

Something I learned about marriage,the hard way, is that if something is causing you concern or pain, it's valid to bring up with your spouse. If it hurts you, it's going to hurt the marriage.

Also, it's always ok to change your mind.
Just because at first you didn't want to be a part of this relationship your W has with her childhood friend, doesn't mean that you can't change your mind and ask her to bring you into it. 

You didn't know at that time how close she would be come to him and anything she is interested in stands to reason that you would be also. 
It's not necessarily jealously but interest and a desire to be a part of something she considers valuable.

I would not turn off this awareness or sense of concern if I were in your shoes.
Don't be a pest and don't be petty, but ask questions, be available, tell her you feel protective of your talking time...whatever you do don't just let it happen and shut down your own sensors about it.
You know your wife so your sensors probably aren't just your own thoughts bouncing off the inside of your head.

In my case I was the one chatting it up with a friend. Platonically and it didn't seem like a big deal to me or to my H. But the less my H seemed to care the more I felt that he actually didn't care.

It got to the point where it felt easier to talk to the OM than to my H. He had checked out.

Stay vigilant, loving and aware, but don't freak out about it. Most likely she doesn't have bad intentions. But connecting with childhood friend also is about connecting to shared memories, the rosy glow of fresh horizons, a renewed childlike sense of being young and free.

Vulnerability + time spent = Intimacy 

In this scenario she's already open and vulnerable because of the shared memories. Make sure the time spent isn't more than what she has with you.
Do this by spending time with her. Ask her about her hopes and dreams. Ask her if she could do anything she wanted right now what would it be. Ask her if she has ideas about how you two will spend your future together. Make time to spend together and renew your relationship. 

Are you vulnerable with her?
Use this as an opportunity to do a marriage update...and upgrade if necessary. 
Marriages always need seasons of refreshing. This is a good time to do so with yours. 

All the best,
TigerLily


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Ok, I'm going to be the rain on the parade today. Tobyboy's answer is right on.

The 19 yr old may not cross any boundaries, but if your wife is generally attractive then this young man is going to be attracted to her. He will think about sex with her. I am not one to approach a married woman for a relationship, as it has always been out of bounds by my moral standards. That is, I would fantasize about an attractive married woman when I was that age but would never have considered actually propositioning her. This 19 yr old may have those same kinds of standards.

You've written nothing to indicate your wife has weak boundaries. So I don't think this 19 yr old is a threat to your marriage. But, your wife may not recognize at first if he becomes infatuated or if he is a player who tries to get her. I think I would approach your wife with a light hearted comment about how at that same age I would have been thinking about sex with her, and that it could become an uncomfortable situation for her if he starts to get too attached. Basically, inform her that this youthful young man might become overly emotionally involved. I wouldn't even say more than that, but the subtext is she would be wise to ensure she keeps some sense of distance from him.

One of my daughters was and still is very close friends with a woman my age from our neighborhood. As a teen, this woman provided a safe sounding board for my daughter when she might have been nervous approaching me or her mom about something. This woman was named as guardian of our kids if my wife and I both died, so we certainly trusted her values etc. Your wife could similarly be a valuable resource for this young man, but she should be reminded perhaps that she should remain vigilant for his hormones creating complications.

As to the old high school friend, Danger Will Robinson! This is a classic scenario leading to an affair. They were emotionally close as teens even if they were never romantically involved. 100% chance he is thinking about getting some sex with her, even if he is telling himself his intentions are purely honorable. The chance of your wife getting too emotionally involved is very high, which is the start of an emotional affair. Read the book "Not Just Friends". Your wife may have zero intention of crossing any boundaries, but it happens all the time just like that. This is a real risk to your marriage. Your wife's behavior is already on the edge of looking like dating or the courting which leads to dating. This is how it starts, and then you end up hearing "I don't know how it happened!" from her after she has the affair with him.

Good boundaries around the marriage are important. Both of you should guard against outside threats, and this scenario is a very real and common threat.

OSF are ok if the person is a friend of the marriage. This guy is not a friend of yours or the marriage, he is a friend of hers. My opinion based on observation is private communications or meetings with an OSF should not be permitted in the marriage. You can set up a couples Facebook page and a shared email so that there is transparency. You both see everything. If the OSF wants to get together with both of you, great. But no date-like solo meetings with OSF (lunch, drinks, bar, movie, etc).

Your best bet is to nip this one right now. Use the book "Not Just Friends" as your springboard into the topic with her. No exes on social media. No OSF unless they are friends of you as a couple. Transparency for all electronics (phones, email, FB, bank accounts, etc). Build windows inside the marriage and walls around the outside of it.

Contact with someone like this guy should be on an acquaintance basis. A phone call or email very infrequently. When it becomes friends, it quickly moves to Not Just Friends.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

roughpatch said:


> My DW and I have been married almost 14 years and recently she has been hanging out and chatting with her girlfriends a lot more than usual and also has 2 male friends that she speaks with (but doesn't hang out with alone) and I am a bit insecure by it, even though I know there is nothing bad going on. One of the guys is a mutual friend and is 19 years old and speaks to my wife as a mother figure because he doesn't have much of a relationship with his own mom. This guy also speaks and meets for lunch with, another female friend of our family, so there is zero romantic connection there. The guy gets advice from my wife about his girlfriend, who he is infatuated with. That being said, I just find it odd that he has established this friendship with my wife.
> 
> The second guy is a bit different. His family and my wife's family grew up together and they were like brother and sister growing up. They lost touch for 20+ years and reconnected on FB recently. He is happily married and lives upstate and my wife and he have yet to meet up again, *but they do speak a lot on the phone*. Again, I do not think anything inappropriate is going on, but my *wife doesn't really discuss their conversations* unless I ask if she spoke with him that day. In the past I did mention that I didn't feel the need to be FB friends with him, so I guess she is just trying to prevent me from being uncomfortable and just has her friendship with him without including me. I thought this was what I wanted, but looking back, I think I want to know this person who my wife has become friends with again after so many years.
> 
> My question is, should i have anything to worry about and how can I approach my wife and say I'd like to know this guy as well to put myself at ease?




How often and for how long do they talk on the phone? I don't see any need to talk on the phone regularly to someone of the opposite sex unless required for business.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I see no harm with the 19 year old. When I was working the young people in the office, of both sexes would often come to me seeking advice and counsel. I was known as the "mum" of the office. It's completely innocent.

The old childhood friend is another story. Doesn't mean there's anything going on but it is a risk. Neither spouse should have osf to the exclusion of their spouse. Their phone calls stuck out to me - I am yet to meet a man who enjoys long phone conversations, lol. That in itself strikes me as odd.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I lost my fiancé of 5 years to a friend. Then I lost my live in girlfriend to a very close friend. When it comes to sex I do not trust anyone. Males are genetically disposed to view females as potential mates. I never had female friend. Girls have nothing in common with me. Even the husband of our best friends set up a wife swap so he could get at my wife. His wife showed that she had 3 kids and was 8 years older than me. I did not enjoy at all and neither did by wife since she was expecting love making with a friend who was her Pinochle partner for 3 years. Instead he treated her like just another hole and left her bruised. One more thing. My best friend got a much younger girl pregnant and married her. She still wanted to hang out with her old friends after the baby was born. He let her and she had sex with one of her male friends and left him. I do not have one story where it turned out well. You decide since we are not the ones to suffer any consequences.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

roughpatch said:


> My DW and I have been married almost 14 years and recently she has been hanging out and chatting with her girlfriends a lot more than usual and also has 2 male friends that she speaks with (but doesn't hang out with alone) and I am a bit insecure by it, even though I know there is nothing bad going on. One of the guys is a mutual friend and is 19 years old and speaks to my wife as a mother figure because he doesn't have much of a relationship with his own mom. This guy also speaks and meets for lunch with, another female friend of our family, so there is zero romantic connection there. The guy gets advice from my wife about his girlfriend, who he is infatuated with. That being said, I just find it odd that he has established this friendship with my wife.
> 
> The second guy is a bit different. His family and my wife's family grew up together and they were like brother and sister growing up. They lost touch for 20+ years and reconnected on FB recently. He is happily married and lives upstate and my wife and he have yet to meet up again, but they do speak a lot on the phone. Again, I do not think anything inappropriate is going on, but my wife doesn't really discuss their conversations unless I ask if she spoke with him that day. In the past I did mention that I didn't feel the need to be FB friends with him, so I guess she is just trying to prevent me from being uncomfortable and just has her friendship with him without including me. I thought this was what I wanted, but looking back, I think I want to know this person who my wife has become friends with again after so many years.
> 
> My question is, should i have anything to worry about and how can I approach my wife and say I'd like to know this guy as well to put myself at ease?


You could be the older brother he never had?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I have a few male friends, but most of my friends are my husband's mutual friends, couples mainly. We became friends through our mutual friends a few years ago, so one of our friends might text me or him to see how we're doing. I think that's a little different, because we are both included since we have mutual friends. But, I don't see anything wrong with having friends of the opposite sex, if that's all those relationships ever were. I don't think exes that become friends should really be in the picture anymore, once you are in a serious relationship with someone or married. Out of respect I say that, because I just wouldn't want to make my husband feel bad, and he wouldn't want me to feel bad either, if we were still talking to ex bf's/gf's. I have no interest in that, anyways.

But, I think boundaries should obviously be in place, if a friend oversteps, then such a friendship should come to an end, out of respect of the marriage. I think developing new friends of the opp sex after one is married, is probably not a good idea. No man should take up more time in my life than my husband. That's kind of how I see it.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

both are probably harmless...but many an affair started the way #2 sounds.

save yourself some heartache, and put a VAR (voice recorder) in the room where she normally talks to her old friend. You should be able to tell pretty quick if this guy is just talking about old times, or if it's something she's actively hiding from you. 

trust your gut...you wouldn't be here if it didn't sense something a little...off.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

When a man wants a women he will work to that aim. He will find a vulnerability.

A steady rain on concrete will eventually erode its strength.

If he fails [to get her] it will not be for lack of effort. 

A man's bone never lets him rest on his past laurels, or on his haunches.

Fear the men.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

roughpatch said:


> My question is, should i have anything to worry about and how can I approach my wife and say I'd like to know this guy as well to put myself at ease?


I would be open and honest with her about your feelings. If you are not comfortable with these male "friends", then let her know and asked her to end these "friendships". If she puts you and the marriage first, she will end the "friendships". If she doesn't ... well, then you know where you stand, and you will need to decide if you are going to live with it, or do something about it. The worst thing you can do is remain silent.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

As a concept it is ok to have OSF. However if you are not ok with it then you have every right to voice your concerns. Your relationship with your wife has to come first and if she is purposely doing something that harms it that's a problem. 

I have OSF and couldn't be with a partner who was not ok with that. I never exclude my GF from my friends though and They have become friends With her as well.


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

roughpatch said:


> My DW and I have been married almost 14 years and recently she has been hanging out and chatting with her girlfriends a lot more than usual and also has 2 male friends that she speaks with (but doesn't hang out with alone) and I am a bit insecure by it, even though I know there is nothing bad going on. One of the guys is a mutual friend and is 19 years old and speaks to my wife as a mother figure because he doesn't have much of a relationship with his own mom. This guy also speaks and meets for lunch with, another female friend of our family, so there is zero romantic connection there. The guy gets advice from my wife about his girlfriend, who he is infatuated with. That being said, I just find it odd that he has established this friendship with my wife.
> 
> The second guy is a bit different. His family and my wife's family grew up together and they were like brother and sister growing up. They lost touch for 20+ years and reconnected on FB recently. He is happily married and lives upstate and my wife and he have yet to meet up again, but they do speak a lot on the phone. Again, I do not think anything inappropriate is going on, but my wife doesn't really discuss their conversations unless I ask if she spoke with him that day. In the past I did mention that I didn't feel the need to be FB friends with him, so I guess she is just trying to prevent me from being uncomfortable and just has her friendship with him without including me. I thought this was what I wanted, but looking back, I think I want to know this person who my wife has become friends with again after so many years.
> 
> My question is, should i have anything to worry about and how can I approach my wife and say I'd like to know this guy as well to put myself at ease?


Marriage is not about ownership. The first time you tell a woman who she can and can't talk to, she'll prove to you that she can. 

The issue doesn't seem to be the situation. The issue seems to be about how you want to react to it. Controlling personal emotions is the key. If you trust your wife, then trust your wife.

Sent from my SM-T337T using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Tobyboy said:


> More info please. Do y'all have children? What are you and your wife's ages? When you say that your wife is hanging out with her girlfriends more, in what way? GNO? Drinking?
> When I was 19, the only thing ever on my mind was sex! That boy doesn't want "motherly" advise, he wants "milf" advise.
> The other dude? Fishing for tail on FB.


Seriously? Dude, when I was 19 or so, having older women to talk with who were not my mom was a Godsend!


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Seriously? Dude, when I was 19 or so, having older women to talk with who were not my mom was a Godsend!


Matt, I don't want to get personal ... but how long ago was that? Today might be different.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Matt, I don't want to get personal ... but how long ago was that? Today might be different.


40 years. Maybe you have a point. 

Though when I was in my mid 20s I briefly dated a woman of 55.


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