# D-day 4 hrs ago - now what?



## Lovingmycat (May 28, 2013)

So I never thought it would happen to me. Just celebrated our 3rd anniversary last week and today because of a jealous mistress, I found out my husband has been having an affair for 4 years. My question is, I'm lost and going through all the emotions you can imagine. Right now I just want to wake up and forget it, but I know that won't work. What is the first step and possibly the 2nd? Sorry I don't know all the lingo yet but here are some details. I knew him for 2.5 years before we got married. I married late in life, 48 and was never married before. Very successful independent women prior to meeting him. He says it's over between them, but mistress sent me an email this afternoon to drop the bombshell and she wants to "share him". She thinks it's unfair that she knows so much about me and I don't know anything about her. Crazy I know. He says it happened because he was selfish. He thought by marring me, I could fix him because he's a terrible person. Just sort of lost.


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## scae1212 (May 22, 2013)

hi loving my cat!

give me her email address, i'll send her tons of viruses and start damaging other part of her lives too! 
im sorry, i am just kidding and try to put a smile on your face :yawn2:

i am also a victim from one of these selfish ignorant thrill-seeking other women. i have done few mistakes in handling my situation but if i was to rewind it all over again and imply that to your case;

1. ignore her email - she did that to ruin your marriage, dont give her that and pretend you know nothing. you'll hurt her more this way 
2. let hubby know what she did 
3. stay calm (no matter what you feel: you... stay... calm...)
4. find out what he wants, if he is still lost...
5. do the 180 list (180 List - No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group)

*you will always be a very successful independent woman*. you were able to accomplish anything and everything... you did it once and you will do it again! :FIREdevil:

Stand Your Ground!


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

I'm sorry that you are going through this.

I wish there was an easy answer. Unfortunately you are now in the position of having to reassess everything.

Hang in there. I am sure others will reply to your post.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Take a good look at what you have.

Is this what you want in life?

Do you think you want to be married to him?

He was cheating on you since you knew him... Marriage does not fix things... He needs to fix himself. Start with that.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

You are a successful, independent woman, and the only real answer here for you is immediate D. Think it through logically, he has had another woman for the entire length of your marriage, as well as a year prior.

Some things just can't be "fixed" or should even be attempted. Sorry


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

Step 1 he has to move out so you can figure things out and he knows you are serious - who owns the house? Step 2 separate and protect all finances. What about him - kids, other marriages, job, etc. Do not share a relationship. I would end it because it aappears you might be there for money and stability only - a plan B and he keeps her for sex
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I'm so sorry, this just sucks.

Well, he's cheated on you for your entire marriage. It's been a total sham. So why stay in it? What are you even staying in? I don't think you even really know your husband.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Cut your losses and let her have this gem of a man that has been cheating through your entire marriage. He'll be cheating on her with someone else soon enough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Lovingmycat said:


> So I never thought it would happen to me. Just celebrated our 3rd anniversary last week and today because of a jealous mistress, I found out my husband has been having an affair for 4 years.
> 
> *What is the first step and possibly the 2nd*?


The first: "Get"

The second: "OUT!"

And then go on with your life.


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## KimatraAKM (May 1, 2013)

Those are some backhanded compliments. 

Don't share your husband. I you want to R I'd say kick him out and do the 180 (others will have links). Then work on making you happy and IC. Require MC if you want to R.

Sorry for your pain. You're going to go through so many emotions in the coming weeks. Just know this isn't your fault. Don't grow bitter as not all men are like this. Try and embrace you and get support. Tell family/friends so you have an outlet. Don't take it all on yourself. 

Good luck.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

Read the above link 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

So he was having an A while you were getting married and it carried on. Kick him to the curb, get checked for STD's, get a good IC for your self and file for D.

Then decide if you want to try and R or or D. By the way expose the A to family and friends. Do not worry what others think. Expose this to the light. Do not tell him you are going to expose just do it now.


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## Lovingmycat (May 28, 2013)

Thank you all for the words of support. Yes, my entire marriage has been a sham. He got me hook, line & sinker. I'm starting my support team. I also know that none of this has been my fault. I'm just too trusting. We've gone through my money as I supported him for 2 years as he tried to build his business. Now I'm in year 2 of a new business I started that will take two more years to build. Dropped a $100,000+ marketing gig to follow my dream, which included him. I have a lot of options, none easy, but life isn't easy. Just trying to take it one second at a time.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Keep the cat.

Get rid of his selfish @ss.

And get a good attorney to get your investment back or at as much as you can.

He is a loser!


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Married 3 year and he's been cheating for 4... You wern't married. He never was. Get out, he can't be trusted.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Lovingmycat said:


> Now I'm in year 2 of a new business I started that will take two more years to build. Dropped a $100,000+ marketing gig to follow my dream, which included him. I have a lot of options, none easy, but life isn't easy. Just trying to take it one second at a time.


Love, love this. I have no doubt you are going to be OK.

Sorry friend.


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

You are just 4 hours or so into discovery. Most people on this site, don't discover this site for days, weeks, months, or longer. So, you will now get lots of good advice..but as everyone on TAM will remember on their D-Day and the next few days to a few weeks, you are going to be in shock and have the whole gamut of emotions. So you need to take care of you for now...no one else.
This may mean healthy things - a support system, exercise, eat, stay hydrated, etc.....it's not going to be easy. Again, take care of you!


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

LMC, How are you doing? This is tough and if you need help. A lot of people here can give you lots of advice.


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## lovely2011 (May 28, 2013)

Lovingmycat said:


> So I never thought it would happen to me. Just celebrated our 3rd anniversary last week and today because of a jealous mistress, I found out my husband has been having an affair for 4 years. My question is, I'm lost and going through all the emotions you can imagine. Right now I just want to wake up and forget it, but I know that won't work. What is the first step and possibly the 2nd? Sorry I don't know all the lingo yet but here are some details. I knew him for 2.5 years before we got married. I married late in life, 48 and was never married before. Very successful independent women prior to meeting him. He says it's over between them, but mistress sent me an email this afternoon to drop the bombshell and she wants to "share him". She thinks it's unfair that she knows so much about me and I don't know anything about her. Crazy I know. He says it happened because he was selfish. He thought by marring me, I could fix him because he's a terrible person. Just sort of lost.



Well if it's your third anniversary...and he's had an affair for the past 4 years...meaning he cheated even before you guys were married therefore he never had the intentions of staying loyal. LEAVE HIM! You're giving him your hard earned money so he can snoop around with a woman that wants to share him.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think technically you are the other woman since he's been dating her longer.

Let her have have him.

You need to see a lawyer about the fraud he has committed by lying to you.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

So sorry you are here. I'm normally pro-reconciliation but entering into a marriage while having a mistress would be an absolute dealbreaker for R for me. But only you can choose for yourself.

Things will get worse before they get better.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

In business terms he is a sunk cost. Cut your losses.

However, Shaggy is right. Did he enter into a sham marriage for financial reasons in order to scam you?

pecuniary advantage - definition of pecuniary advantage by the Free Online Dictionary, Thesaurus and Encyclopedia.

I agree with Shaggy. Seek legal advice to see if you can get at least some of your money back.


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

#1. Separate finances, secure any savings and remove him from all lines of credit.

#2. Pack up all his belongings and place them in the driveway. Make it clear he needs to find other living arrangements. 


Marriage is a partnership where each partner contributes equally into the relationship. It sounds like he knew you were a trusting and generous person and he used you. 

Cut your losses. Divorce!! 

Don't believe anything he tells you from here on out.
CHEATERS LIE!!!


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Hi Lovingmycat,

I hope you are being strong. While you are clearly an independent and strong woman, you may be manipulated by him - so be very careful and start thinking about everything in terms of YOUR interests.

I would say the first step is to read through the newbie links. Somebody already posted it, and it is in my signature. Allow yourself to grieve. It's normal to ball your eyes out, scream, even throw things (though better to not throw them at people!) It was the first time I ever broke something out of anger (smashed the coffee pot on the floor). 

You may be in a hurry to do "the right steps" and take care of this mess right away. But give yourself time to breathe and let the new reality begin to sink in. It takes weeks to sink in. For many months.
Of course, try to secure your interests straight away and meet with a lawyer when you are able to do so. But really, this isn't something that you can start fixing right away. It's a process and a really, really hard one to go through.

Because your whole marriage has been a "sham" as you stated, it seems like divorce is the route you will probably take. It sounds like you don't have children, correct? That said, you know much more about your husband than we do. Is he a sex addict by chance? Serial cheater? In any case, do what you believe is necessary to protect your heart.

One point that I want to get across that often gets lost in everyone's rush to tell you all the steps that you must take in the fallout is that you DO NOT NEED TO MAKE ANY MAJOR DECISIONS IMMEDIATELY. It will take time to comprehend the situation and to sort through what you feel, want, and need to do. 

Of course, don't rugsweep this. Don't condone him by acting like nothing happened. Confront indeed. But try to remain as calm (and cold) as possible. I'm not too worried about you in that you are already pretty calm and collected on this forum (compared to many). 

You are in for a horrible, horrible emotional ride and I am so sorry this is happening to you. I too NEVER would have guessed I would be in this dreadful place in life. I've only been married three years, and in many ways my marriage feels like a sham because the vows have been broken so soon. You are not alone.

Your life has been turned upside down. All the assumptions you made about your life are no longer valid. You are still in shock and denial. It's the way humans immediately react to loss and traumatic events. Just know that while it gets worse before it gets better, it will eventually get better. 

My advice: Focus on taking care of yourself before stressing about what to do about your marriage. This is applicable whether you eventually choose to reconcile or divorce (this seeming the better option based on the info we have here). Breathe and cry those tears out first and foremost.


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## still so sad (May 27, 2013)

Lucky you found TAM so quickly. I wish I had.

In the hours, days, months since my DDay over a year ago, everyone kept telling me "focus forward" blah blah blah. No one said ( as in WH, therapist, close friend) this just sucks. It hurts like hell, its Ok to cry your eyes out, cry until your ribs ache, look around and nothing will look the same or feel the same. In the beginning no amount of "I'm sorry" is even going to register in your brain. All you feel initially is the pain and sadness no matter what the circumstances. You feel like a fool for letting someone in close enough to your heart to destroy it.

Sorry to be the "downer" but that is the honest truth of what the initial stage after DDay was like for me. I felt that I had to hide my true, true pain and "Be strong" " Be brave" "Focus forward" blah, blah , blah...

I feel for you girlfriend and so many others here on TAM do as well.

If you want to pour a glass of wine and grab the tissue box and curl up in a ball and cry, then YOU GO RIGHT AHEAD. Let it all out. I have found that only AFTER I allowed myself to walk through the pain of the initial fire was I able to think clearly and make rational decisions.

I am sorry that this has happened to you.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

The first step is to go to the store and buy two things: 

1) Lotion kleenexes. You are going to be crying and crying and crying, and what you don't know is that normal kleenexes will scrap your nose and eyelids like they're chapped. Then you'll be crying salty tears into chapped eyelids and your eyes will swell shut. Seriously. So get lotion ones and if you cry in Walmart you won't be the first one. 

2) Buy some soup. Chicken noodles is good and beef vegetable...that kind of thing...because you will NOT feel like eating AT ALL and who can swallow past that lump in your throat anyway? You can't. BUT if you eat nothing, you'll get all lightheaded and faint and you won't think clearly. Starving yourself and making yourself sick won't fix the hurt, so get some soup. Maybe some hot chocolate too. It's warm and kind of feels better. 

The second step: you will not be sleeping any time soon, and at first you may want to stay in bed but your head will swirl with it so much that you won't be able to sleep. Sooooo...you can just lay in bed and drive yourself NUTS, or you can do something. I used to try to lay down and see what happened (Hey I might get lucky and fall asleep you never know). If I didn't fall asleep, I'd try tea and a book but usually that couldn't get my mind off feeling lonely and crying. Soooooo, I wrote. I wrote a journal and I wrote letters "to myself" and I wrote every swear word and thought I had in my head SCREAMING and FREAKING OUT on paper. I sort of helped to "get it out" and energy was used to actually write with pen and paper. I'd write whatever was on my mind (usually that was what was keeping me awake), and often I'd be tired afterward. If that didn't work I just said "to heck with it" and accepted I wasn't going to be sleeping, so I might as well be productive. I did stuff: folded laundry, baked bread...whatever. I might as well!

Finally, in a few days you may come up for air a bit, and hopefully by then have read a few of the newbie links in my signature...and your brain will start to turn back on. We can talk more then. 

BTW, I'm sorry you're here.


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## Lovingmycat (May 28, 2013)

So it's been 4 days and 18 hours. I'm crying all the time. Talking to friends and just thinking. Nighttime is the worst. Lawyer said I should D him, which was hard to hear. But I'm not making any decisions now. I wish I hated him more. I can't look into his eyes and his words mean nothing. First counseling session next week. 
On top of all of this, I have to worry about him taking the easy way out of this and removing himself from this earth. Already tried as a young adult. We talk about his depression and right now I'm trying to keep it real until he gets into therapy. I can't fix him, he's got to fix himself. 
Try to focus on my business and push this out of my head for most of the days. When he comes home we talk. I ask a lot of questions. I showed him the email from "her". It was mean of course, how I've bullied him into staying and that we won't last and he'll eventually come to her anyway. 
I wrote a letter to him giving him multiple chances to go with her as it would be so so much easier than staying with me. Almost begged him to go be with her as they deserve each other. Listed out 10 ultimatums and made no promises. Made me feel better - for a second. 
He gave me all his passwords, but doesn't mean anything. No energy to "check-up" on him. I don't want to live that way. 
Having a family outing tonight with his kids, my bonus kids (we don't have any). His first marriage lasted 15 years. Since DDay I've been living more in the "fake" life than real life, just to cope. It's easier. I'll get to the real life soon, I'm sure. Just one step at a time. Thanks, I feel better


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Hey, don't waste one second worrying about him 'removing himself' from this earth. You worry about removing yourself from this freak. 

If you want to worry about people who actually have a high chance of leaving this earth before their time then worry about people in Syria, defenseless kids in war torn parts of the world. Kids who have to sell their bodies for food. Young people who are truly innocents and suffering. 

You can't let him manipulate your heart with threats of self-harm.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

If he does self-harm I want you to save this:-

*It is called self-harm for a reason. The self harms the self.

If he does self-harm then it is all on the self. His self. Not yourself.
*


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