# need advice about wife and a male friend



## morbo (Mar 12, 2012)

So my wife has a guy friend she's known for a few years. They are co-workers and chat often and sometimes do things together outside of work like dinner or lunch to talk about work gossip or books they are reading. I've always been a little cautious about the relationship because I know how single guys think but I trust my wife wholeheartedly and she says she has no intimate feelings towards him and I believe her. She is the love of my life and we have a great relationship. She treats this guy just like she does her female friends but I think he likes her more than just as a friend. Recently he gave her some music and one was a mixed CD. The mixed CD was full of love songs. My wife is honest and open so we talked about it with some arguing of course. She doesn't think he likes her and thinks I'm over-reacting and being jealous. He said the mixed cd was some random songs he just happened to throw on there but I don't buy it--the odds of a random mixed CD being 90 percent love songs is very unlikely. She agreed that it may be possible that he likes her but doesn't see what the big deal is either way since she does not like him in that way and nothing would ever happen. I trust her but don't think it's smart for a married person to be close friends with someone that wants to be more than friends. What do you all think? thanks


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

if this male friend of hers makes you uncomfortable and you comunicated that to her and she still insists on being friends with him then she dosn't respest you. If you had a female fried she would not be so accomadinating. Put your foot down and say enough allready. if she balks at it she dosn't respect you and a wife/husband who dosn't respect you isn't worth having.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

All it takes is one evening or business trip where alcohol is involved to let her guard and inhibitions down...


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Start a poll in the men's clubhouse section.

"How many heterosexual men have spent "x" amount of time maintaining a friendship with a woman who's pants you DIDN'T want to remove?"

Let it go a week or two then show her the results. Hopefully it will wake her up. When her response is that SHE still likes him only as a friend, ask her how fulfilling that friendship could actually be if her best friend only wants her for sex.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I agree with the above, especially Chillymorn.

Ask your wife if the roles were reversed and you got a CD from a female friend that was 90% love songs, what would she think?


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## bundy (Mar 12, 2012)

Trust your instincts, this is dangerous territory even though your wife doesn't think so. You may want to ask for permission to read her correspondances with him. If she is innocent she shouldn't have a problem with it. Even if she is innocent he is certainly guilty of tampering with your marriage. By giving her a compilation of love songs he is making advances and he knows that he risks losing her friendship by doing this. When someone makes romantic advances to a person in a relationship the correct response is to retreat, any other reaction will lead to more problems. If your spouse continues the friendship she is condoning his behavior which will not be good for your marriage.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

You are not overreacting or being jealous. You are being protective of your marriage. People often don’t have an initial interest in people and grow to become interested in them as they get to know them. This could happen to your wife even if she doesn’t feel that way now.

You should have a discussion about boundaries with your wife. This will also help her be on the watch for when someone is becoming inappropriately close. If the fellow really is interested in more than friendship it will become visible though escalation of contact. The escalation should be monitored and resisted. Being around someone more and more is setting the stage for developing feelings for that person.

Riverside MFT just posted a thread on boundaries and not too long ago there was another discussion in the thread, http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...eed-input-friendship-between-male-female.html.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

To add to the general consensus, I think this is dangerous. One or both of them has feelings that go beyond friendship.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> She agreed that it may be possible that he likes her but doesn't see what the big deal is either way since she does not like him in that way and nothing would ever happen. I trust her but don't think it's smart for a married person to be close friends with someone that wants to be more than friends. What do you all think?


Your wife knows damn well that this guy wants from her. She is getting off on another man desiring her... makes her feel good about herself. 

She'll continue to string him along to prolong his attention to her, which is what she is craving. At some point, she'll either tell him to back off once she has had her fill of his attention...

Or, it *will* go the other way and she will become addicted to his flirting and attention, and then she'll allow him to take it to the next step.

If she won't end this crap, go to her workplace mid-morning and confront him in front of everyone and tell him loudly for him to stay away from your wife. Take the CD and toss it on his desk and tell him to keep his f*cking music to himself. No more lunch dates, no more dinners, no more music sharing. That is a bunch of b*llsh*t!

Nothing wrong with embarrasing your wife and the OM at work. This is your marriage you're protecting!


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## Mello_Yellow (Feb 22, 2012)

Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think a single man and a married woman should be going to dinner alone...and vice-versa. Your wife may be totally committed to you, and it sounds like you guys are open an honest. But...let you guys have a big fight, let this guy have the right things to say following said fight, and you will have a major problem on your hands.

And as others have said- alcohol, even a couple of drinks in a social setting, can change everything.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Your wife knows damn well that this guy wants from her. She is getting off on another man desiring her... makes her feel good about herself.
> 
> She'll continue to string him along to prolong his attention to her, which is what she is craving. At some point, she'll either tell him to back off once she has had her fill of his attention...
> 
> ...



This is spot on. 

And in my case, her guilt will overwhelm her for months and then she'll drop the ILYBNILWY, and how could you, her husband, ever love her after what she's done (EA).


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

morbo said:


> She agreed that it may be possible that he likes her but doesn't see what the big deal is either way since she does not like him in that way and nothing would ever happen.


 The big deal is that she is getting off on the OM flirting with her, and make no mistake about it, the love song CD was flirting. As for her not feeling that way about him, that is only how she feels about him today. People cannot control their feelings and her feeling may change as the relationship continues, then what? An emotional affair (EA) that may later lead to a physical affair (PA) is the then what.

Dating is what people do to develop a relationship with a member of the opposite sex. You do not need to be in love with someone to date them. When at least one party is attracted to the other party, going to dinner alone with that party is dating because one of them is trying to take it to the next level. Do not let her off the hook on this, you should call it dating because that is what it has become.

Married people cannot avoid how they feel about others, but they can control their actions. She needs to stop seeing this guy to avoid any chance that this will develop into an EA or PA. As her husband, you have a right to ask her to support your feelings here and to defend your marraige. As her spouse your feelings should matter and be respected. She needs to choose you and her marraige right now. If she fights you on this, then this OM has become too important to her and she may already be in an EA with him (even if she does not know it). You must take a strong stand now because it will not get easier as her relationship with the OM gets stronger.

BTW he is officially defined as a other man (OM) because he is attracted to your wife, is not a friend of the marraige, and you as her spouse feel uncomfortable with their one on one relationship.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

F-102 said:


> All it takes is one evening or business trip where alcohol is involved to let her guard and inhibitions down...


Or even when they are having a slump in their marriage or she feels that the OP isnt paying enough attention to her. She's already confiding in him about personal marital issues that should only be discussed with her spouse. OM wants her and like bandit says, she gets a thrill out of it which indicates that she in some way wants him too no matter what she says. 

It will only take a bump in the road or a little nudge before this will go PA. Look at Gabriel's story. OM is like a vulture circling around waiting for his chance. Why isn't the OP c0ck blocking him and protecting his marriage like he's supposed to?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Sorry, I'm on my smartphone and cant catch every detail.

They go on lunch dates and OM gives gifts like CDs filled with love songs? WTF? Oh HELL NO!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Lunch dates - check
Dinner dates - check
Love song CD - check



Sounds like standard escalation of a relationship. Of course I skipped first kiss, holding hands, sex in the backseat. You know the things she's not telling you about.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Then it will be: It just happened.

Nothing ever just happens. There's many stepping stones on the way to infidelity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

What happened to Morbo? Another post and run?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morbo (Mar 12, 2012)

Not a post and run, just taking in all the info. Thanks for the reponses.


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## Mello_Yellow (Feb 22, 2012)

Morbo, lots of good advice in this thread, and on this forum. Check out the link below for more helpful info. I've also pasted a snippet from that thread that you might find helpful. I would discuss these guidelines ASAP with your W if I were in your shoes.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/41617-appropriate-boundaries-members-opposite-sex.html

The following are DISCOURAGED with members of the opposite sex when you are married:
■Any kind of physical touch that lasts for more than three seconds.
■Any kind of physical touch besides a handshake, pat on the back, or a brief hug (again, no longer than three seconds).
■Full-frontal hugs. This is when the bodies are completely touching, and not just an upper body hug.
■Being alone socially with the other person. There are times when a job might require two people to be alone. In these times, people shoul work together as professionals and not friends. There are times when a job might require more than the three second rule (i.e. athletic trainers, professional ballroom dancers, etc.). In these cases, professionalism and not engaging in any other outside of work interactions are of the utmost importance.
■Secret conversations (by phone, internet, etc.) with the other person. This includes facebook and other social networking sites.
■Secret get togethers. It doesn't matter if it is "just lunch" or "just coffee."
■Ultimately, you should ask yourself, "Would my spouse be comfortable if he/she saw what I was doing with this other person right now?"


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## charlie18 (Mar 12, 2012)

I couldn't agree more with Bandit.45.

Probably neither you nor her realize she is emasculating you. I know how hard it is to be masculine in this (now) feminine world, but you need take you masculinity back and stand up to both her and him. No wife should have any male friends unless he is a friend to BOTH of you and the same goes of the husband. No man should have any female friends unless she is a friend of BOTH of you. 

It's not just a cliché, you need to find that masculinity deep down inside of you and use it. You will be MUCH happier regardless of the outcome.

Before me and my wife got married, she had lots of male friends. I never told her she had to stop being friends with any of them. I simply told her once we got married they would stop being friends with her because she was no longer available to them. She insisted they were just friends and they had no other intentions. I simply said, "just watch". She hasn't spoken to a single one of them in years.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Morbo, are you allowed on these lunch/dinner dates (yes I called them dates)?

Looks like she's liking the attention he's giving her IMO. It's an ego boost for her and it's very dangerous.

Like someone posted, no guy puts so much effort into a woman unless he's gay or looking to go muff diving.


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## morbo (Mar 12, 2012)

Yes I've been invited to the get togethers that happen about once a month but I often feel like a third wheel when I go because they talk about work and books they have in common so it's not really fun for me. I'll ask my wife to read these comments so she can see what other people think about the situation. Hopefully she will begin to understand my concerns after reading everyone's replies.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

No married woman should be going to dinners or lunch by herself with a man other than her husband... period!

Think about this: 

Say your wife and her guy buddy are at a restaurant sitting at a table alone together and a mutual friend of you and your wife comes into the restaurant and sees them together. Say that friend does not know this guy. What do think they will be thinking when they see her with a stranger talking and laughing? Well, do think that person is going to keep this under his/her hat? No, of course not. That person is going to tell everyone your wife was out with another man, talk is going to spread and rumors and conjecture will follow. 

What do think this would do to your rep? Has your wife even stopped to consider how this behavior looks or how it might adversely affect you? 

No, you need to nip this in the bud. Your wife should not be doing anything that makes you uncomfortable. Spouses who love each other and respect each other do not behave this way. Your wife needs to reexamine her boundaries (or lack thereof) and set for herself some guidelines as to what is appropriate and what is not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Put the shoe on the other foot. If you made her feel like a 3rd wheel and another woman is stroking your ego up how would she feel. BTW, posted this for her if you're gonna let he read the posts.


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## Mello_Yellow (Feb 22, 2012)

cheatinghubby said:


> Put the shoe on the other foot. If you made her feel like a 3rd wheel and another woman is stroking your ego up how would she feel. BTW, posted this for her if you're gonna let he read the posts.


To add to this, what would your wife think of you getting a mix CD full of love tunes from your lady friend? I'd bet she'd be very concerned.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

My wife told me when we were going out one of her favorite songs was

Boom, Boom (Let's go back to my room).

BTW, she really hated that song with a passion but I guess she was trying to tell me something? :rofl:


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

morbo said:


> Yes I've been invited to the get togethers that happen about once a month but I often feel like a third wheel when I go because they talk about work and books they have in common so it's not really fun for me. I'll ask my wife to read these comments so she can see what other people think about the situation. Hopefully she will begin to understand my concerns after reading everyone's replies.




This right here is your problem.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

morbo said:


> Yes I've been invited to the get togethers that happen about once a month but I often feel like a third wheel when I go because they talk about work and books they have in common so it's not really fun for me. I'll ask my wife to read these comments so she can see what other people think about the situation. Hopefully she will begin to understand my concerns after reading everyone's replies.


Wrong,wrong ,wrong!

don't ask her TELL her that your not going to put up with it and if she balks tell her its him or you.

only a pansey would ask her to read something that they read on a message board because it make them feel bad.

reach way back in your sock drawer and find your balls screw them back on and take a stand. When she realises that your right ( not if) don't be a douch bag start spending time with her be fun and exciting. You know what she likes plan a date don't ask her what she wants to do just plan a date that YOU think would be fun together. keep a positive attitude the whole date even if she acts like she not having fun. flirt ,dress nice shave and put cologne on spruse your self up like your going on a freaking date.


then at the end of the night bang her like theres no tomorrow.
if she says i'm tired how about tomorrow say don't worry all you have to do is lay there and orgasm  Be playfull but stern.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

oh one more thing pull that piece of 4hit guy to the side and tell him if he ever makes your wife a cd again your going to beat the living crap out of him and if he says anything to your wife about this conversation its also an a$$ kicking. and mean it!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Don't think Morbo would do this. Given what he has written and his passive responses to the posts her, he comes across as a little meek and mild. I hear the "Nice Guy" sirens going off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## charlie18 (Mar 12, 2012)

Morbo, you've come here seeking advice and much of the advice given here all points the fact that you need to reclaim your masculinity. DO IT! 

Be the man you were intended to be, not the man you have let yourself become.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Don't by wishy washy. Establish a firm boundary here. The love song compilation is definitely a romantic advance. She's getting some kind of attention from the OM that destabilizes your relationship. Whether or not she sees that this is undermining your relationship or intends to do so, it is. If she can't put your marriage first, then there's a problem. 

From my experience -- I pleaded with my estranged husband to stop talking to a bimbo who was stroking his ego excessively and overtly and he refused, took her side over mine because she was grieving and needed someone to be supportive (she was exploiting her so-called grief about a dead sister to justify saying ILY and other stuff and perpetuate a relationship with my H). The fact that I let him get away with it (he lied, I didn't catch it), thinking he'd eventually come to his senses and behave better, really allowed him to stray further with others. I'm not suggesting that your wife will do this, but, by allowing this man value that is greater than your marriage (because she won't respect your wishes), she is damaging the foundation on which your marriage is built. 

Please don't be a doormat. Please don't let her keep doing this. Tell her that you expect her to let him know that gifts are not acceptable and that alone-dates aren't either and that they should not talk for some time. This is definitely an emotional affair, even if it hasn't become romantic or sexual on her side.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Kobo said:


> Lunch dates - check
> Dinner dates - check
> Love song CD - check
> 
> ...


Yep. That what it be.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

if she's unwilling to listen to your concerns, just turn the tables,find some female friend to do lunch and dinner with..see how long b/4 she's screaming, then laugh in her face.


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## morbo (Mar 12, 2012)

there is a lot of strong opinions being posted but i honestly think she was blind sided by this because she didn't even listen to the music and gave the cd to me when she came home so i really don't think she had any idea her guy friend had this in mind (even though i did). i handled the situation in my own way...we had a big talk and she seems to understand now and agrees that he must be meddling in our marriage and that she needs to remove herself from the friendship and in the future listen to my concerns when i voice them instead of dismissing my feelings. i know there will probably be more bumps but i think we're on the right road now. i will never put myself in that situation again to have my feelings belittled. i love her more than anything, more than i love myself but i cannot continue to put her feelings and desires first. i'm establishing boundaries for myself as to what i will and will not tolerate and i will do more research before establishing concrete boundaries in our relationship. taking care of me and what i need now. 

thanks for the support everyone.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

morbo said:


> So my wife has a guy friend she's known for a few years. They are co-workers and chat often and sometimes do things together outside of work like dinner or lunch to talk about work gossip or books they are reading. I've always been a little cautious about the relationship because I know how single guys think but I trust my wife wholeheartedly and she says she has no intimate feelings towards him and I believe her. She is the love of my life and we have a great relationship. She treats this guy just like she does her female friends but I think he likes her more than just as a friend. Recently he gave her some music and one was a mixed CD. The mixed CD was full of love songs. My wife is honest and open so we talked about it with some arguing of course. She doesn't think he likes her and thinks I'm over-reacting and being jealous. He said the mixed cd was some random songs he just happened to throw on there but I don't buy it--the odds of a random mixed CD being 90 percent love songs is very unlikely. She agreed that it may be possible that he likes her but doesn't see what the big deal is either way since she does not like him in that way and nothing would ever happen. I trust her but don't think it's smart for a married person to be close friends with someone that wants to be more than friends. What do you all think? thanks


I call what she is doing as dating this guy. This is very risky IMO.

You guys should do His Needs Her Needs to gether and definitely do the boundary setting.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

morbo said:


> Yes I've been invited to the get togethers that happen about once a month but I often feel like a third wheel when I go because they talk about work and books they have in common so it's not really fun for me. I'll ask my wife to read these comments so she can see what other people think about the situation. *Hopefully she will begin to understand my concerns after reading everyone's replies.*


Seriously. You hope she will understand your concerns and stop dating another man. She probably wishes she had a husband that cared enough and ewaas strong enough to call shinnigans. Why would you put up with this?

Instigation -- They have already instgated this relationship.

Isolation -- They re dating each other

Escalation -- This is escalating whith each and every date. Soon enough dinner turns into going back to his place for dinner.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

morbo said:


> there is a lot of strong opinions being posted but i honestly think she was blind sided by this because she didn't even listen to the music and gave the cd to me when she came home so i really don't think she had any idea her guy friend had this in mind (even though i did). i handled the situation in my own way...we had a big talk and she seems to understand now and agrees that he must be meddling in our marriage and that she needs to remove herself from the friendship and in the future listen to my concerns when i voice them instead of dismissing my feelings. i know there will probably be more bumps but i think we're on the right road now. i will never put myself in that situation again to have my feelings belittled. i love her more than anything, more than i love myself but i cannot continue to put her feelings and desires first. i'm establishing boundaries for myself as to what i will and will not tolerate and i will do more research before establishing concrete boundaries in our relationship. taking care of me and what i need now.
> 
> thanks for the support everyone.


Be advised that EAs are chemical. That she will need to go through wihtdrawal and may end up having to change her job to be fully NC with this guy. Be vigilante. They may just take this dating underground.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Nobody gives up a boyfriend that easily. She's either going to come to you and ask if she can see him again or take it underground. So if she seems happy all week, she's still seeing him. This isn't an American movie. They don't follow a script with a happy ending as easily as this one seems to have gone.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I agree with Bandit. She know EXACTLY what this guy is after and doesn't care that you don't approve. Bad sign.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Be very very careful. Words mean little. Watch her actions.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Not all of these friendships end in full blown affairs...

...but all full blown affairs begin with these friendships.


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## morbo (Mar 12, 2012)

She was in denial that he liked her and thought I was just being jealous and over-reacting. I finally got her to listen to the cd and she freaked once she heard the lyrics and now thinks he's a complete **** and never wants to speak to him again and hasn't spoken to him since. She let me read all of their correspondences and I cross checked the text messages with the cell phone logs and she isn't hiding anything. She discussed this with several of her female friends and now understands that she can't treat male friends the same as female friends and feels terrible about the whole thing. We're reading the his needs her needs book now to hopefully prevent anything like this from happening again. Now if I can just refrain from beating the **** out of him...time will tell...


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

morbo said:


> She was in denial that he liked her and thought I was just being jealous and over-reacting. I finally got her to listen to the cd and she freaked once she heard the lyrics and now thinks he's a complete **** and never wants to speak to him again and hasn't spoken to him since. She let me read all of their correspondences and I cross checked the text messages with the cell phone logs and she isn't hiding anything. She discussed this with several of her female friends and now understands that she can't treat male friends the same as female friends and feels terrible about the whole thing. We're reading the his needs her needs book now to hopefully prevent anything like this from happening again. Now if I can just refrain from beating the **** out of him...time will tell...


Remember, watch her actions, not her words. Hopefully, you nipped this in the bud.


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## confu?ed (Feb 2, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Remember, watch her actions, not her words. Hopefully, you nipped this in the bud.


read this again - her ACTIONS will speak louder than her WORDS.

Sound Advice from lordmayhem


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## Dar-li (Mar 14, 2012)

and you are again in a life challenge...
your wife is like a female roe and you must be the leon inside family territory, and is the classic scheme or most used....
if you are kind and eloquent with women you must try the role of a human hunter but is very difficult in perfection


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## morbo (Mar 12, 2012)

I thought I would write an update to my situation and once I started typing I couldn't stop, I didn't realize how much I had to say. Getting all my thoughts lined out has helped me feel more settled about everything. It is written to help me but maybe my experience will help others get through difficult times in marriage and perhaps inform marriage wreckers of their destructive ways.

My wife and I are doing well. She feels like an idiot (her word not mine) for not listening to my concerns early on when I brought them up and now completely agrees with me. She sees now that having a close male friend created an unnecessary problem and in the future it's not smart to do have close male friends like this because it is hard to know their true intentions and is unnecessarily putting herself in a high risk situation for emotional conflict. I hate that this happened but our relationship is becoming stronger as a result. Usually we are the kind of couple that come together and support each other when serious problems occur in either of our lives and I am thankful that this has been one of those times. My wife and I have always been extremely open about everything throughout our relationship. That doesn't mean things have always been easy but honesty has always been huge in our marriage. She has a fear of being controlled and at times a selfish side stemming from childhood issues. Because of the trust she has earned and because of her fear of being controlled I allowed her dismiss my feelings against my better judgement about this guy friend and unfortunately her issues enabled her to dismiss my feelings like in this circumstance. If I would have stood my ground early on with her male friend I would have pushed the issue too far and it would have created a lot of stress in our marriage that she was not ready for because of her fear of being controlled. She feels stupid for not seeing that I didn't want to control her and trust in her was not the issue, it's that fundamentally many people are liars and nobody deserves to be trusted unquestioned, ourselves included, and I did not trust this guy and had reasons that were not acknowledged. She treated him just like she does her female friends but listening to what was specifically being said in that music made her immediately realize his agenda. Even though I and every other man in the world could see this coming, for her this was a major attack on our marriage out of nowhere and thankfully it has been an easy decision for her to cut ties with him once she was made aware of the deception and manipulation in his behavior that was apparent from discussing the events and language used surrounding the mixed cd gift. Honesty is why we are together and it's what keeps us together and neither of us respect those that use manipulation and deception for self-serving purposes. 

I have gone from feeling angry to pitying the guy. He does not realize that he will never find what he is looking for or win over a woman of my wife's personality by being dishonest and manipulative. My wife says she was never attracted to him and I believe her because I would have been fine if she said otherwise (we are monogamous but are brutally honest with each other about EVERYTHING even though it can sometimes make for difficult discussions). Whether or not she was physically attracted to him really doesn't matter because she sees his true side now and that is not attractive and his behavior is not something either of us tolerates. He was in love with the idea of her and didn't even really know who she was or what she was about, it was all about him and what he wanted and not her--he would add no value to her life beyond gossiping about work and discussing books. He will never find love and companionship out of dishonesty, manipulation, and selfishness. I pity him but have no respect for him and have no desire to associate with him and my wife feels the same way and it kind of hard to really feel sorry for someone that continually does things that keeps them from achieving happiness. He falls under my personal definition of a toxic person I defined years ago under a stressful situation not related to our relationship. IMO toxic people are those seeking support with no desire to make the necessary changes to improve their situation. I avoid toxic people as much as possible because they will not work at achieving what they proclaim to desire and live a life of pain, misery, and destruction as a result. If he wanted love he should have gone after somebody looking for love, not someone looking for friendship. "Looking for love in all the wrong places" comes to mind when I think of how he acted. He also falls under my personal definition of a dishonest person or one who uses lying, lying by omission, manipulation, ignorance, etc commonly to exploit kind individuals who take people at their word in order to serve their own agenda. People who use these tactics and prey on the kindness of others are parasites and I do not envy them in the least.

I love my wife more than anything, more than I love myself and want her to be happy and I hope she feels the same about me. If she wanted to cheat on me or leave me I could never stop her and she knows that, and same goes for me. I never want to control her, I just want her to be happy I am thankful that she finds happiness with me and wants to continue to improve our relationship. I used to think I could never go on with my life if we ever split up. I thought that I loved her so much that I never wanted to be without her and that wasn't necessarily a bad thing, and maybe even a good thing because that represented how much she meant to me. It bothered her that I loved her so much with such passion but I thought that was the maximum amount of love you could have for someone. She has some selfish qualities but she is also very giving and has consciously taught me to be more empowered and in control of my own happiness instead of putting all my happiness in our relationship. We can't have a strong marriage if I am not strong on my own. Because of her I realize I could live my life without her but it doesn't matter how much I love someone, I have to put my happiness first and if the person I love doesn't appreciate my love then they don't deserve my love. Because of her I have been able to deal with this without losing control over myself, my emotions, and thoughts which has helped her stay level headed and make clear conscious decisions.

This has been difficult but I feel like this has made us aware of some suppressed problems in our relationship that we are now aware of and now are addressing consciously, like my wife's fear of being controlled and my being overly particular. On a day to day basis for the most part we're trust trying to gel and be more easy going. The small bickering over nonsense we were both contributing to has been near absent and when issues happen we are trying to see things from a mutual aspect instead a polar aspect, focusing on respecting each others feeling while not losing oneself and when in doubt, erroring on the side of grace. Life is too short to dwell on conflict and drama and though we'll never be void of drama in our relationship we want to minimize it as much as possible. Being aware of relationship problems and addressing them is a constant chore but I enjoy growing with her. I am extremely lucky that we are on the same page about this.

It hasn't been long but we move fast emotionally when faced with hard times in order to preserve our happiness and we've been getting along great and we are having productive relationship building talks every day trying to improve from this. It's hard to put feelings into words so we use a lot of analogies. I don't expect everyone here to understand all the dynamics of our relationship but I've done my best to explain it. It's good therapy to get my thoughts out and helps solidify my feelings and our progress through these soul searching times. If I lose my way through this journey I hope my words will lead me back to the right frame of mind so I can find my way through the difficult times. With peace, love, and understanding, all things can be resolved.


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## confu?ed (Feb 2, 2012)

morbo said:


> My wife says she was never attracted to him and I believe her because I would have been fine if she said otherwise (we are monogamous but are brutally honest with each other about EVERYTHING even though it can sometimes make for difficult discussions). Whether or not she was physically attracted to him really doesn't matter because she sees his true side now and that is not attractive and his behavior is not something either of us tolerates.


It sounds like the two of you are in a good place, so I am happy to read this update. However:
Two things:
1) don't believe that there was never an attraction my x said "he is not my type, I am not attracted to him" and I believed her because he was fat, drank like a fish, and snoked like a chimney. Guess what happened she f**ked him
2) TRUST with VERIFICATION - understand that these relatiomships are like an addiction she may say that the will never talk to him again, but it is highly probable that she will. Do not let her off the hook here. Monitor her behavior and verify that she is being truthful. I got the "i will never talk to him again" speach, and then she slept with the guy, so, again... trust with verification.

Good luck!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to have a plan in place on what she and you will do when this guy comes around again. He will come fishing for more contact.

Don't fall prey to feeling sorry for him, or for the idea that it might be ok to have limited contact since your wife's eyes are now open.

this guy clearly has your marriage breaking up on his list of to-do's so remember that.


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