# Dysfunctional Sex



## Bill (May 29, 2009)

Hi,

My wife and I have been married for a year, but we've lived together for close to 10. I'm completely in love with her, but her sexual issues are driving a wedge between us. 

For most of our relationship I've been happy with sex once a month, but that is only because sex with my wife is a chore. Simply put, I'm afraid to have sex with her for fear of being thrown into a mess of finger pointing and second guessing. 

Some background about my wife:

Besides quick pecks on the lips, my wife does not kiss me... Ever. When she was growing up her mother would constantly make out with her boyfriends in front of her and the sound of kissing makes her cringe. If someone is kissing on TV, she has to mute it. If someone or SOMETHING is making sounds remotely similar to kissing, she becomes very uptight which, in turn, stresses me out. So, kissing is out. 

My wife considers masturbation a form of cheating. At least once a month for the last 10 years, she has asked me if I was "waiting for her". That is, she asks if I am still not masturbating. 10 years ago when our relationship was new, I made the mistake of appeasing her by saying that I never masturbate. As so many lies end up, it continues to this day. Of course I masturbate, but telling her the truth now would force me into a position of, one, dealing with the whole "masturbation is normal" issue and, two, dealing with the "lying for 10 years" issue. Besides, I don't think she can understand how masturbation is a normal part of life. 

Like me, my wife is a very submissive person. Her idea of initiating sex is placing my hand on her breast and just lying there while I have sex with her. Not only does she have a hard time kissing, but she does not know how to express herself sexually. During sex she rarely touches me or caress me. I might as well be having sex with a blow up doll.

Blow up dolls don't second guess my intentions, though. If I can't become aroused by just having her lie there naked I am accused of not being attractive to her anymore. This, in turn, makes me fear sex with her which in turn makes me unable to get aroused which in tern... You get the idea. 

If I take a little longer to ejaculate or if my ejaculate is not in the quantity that she's used to, I've been accused of masturbation or, once again, not being attracted to her anymore. 

I really don't know what to do. Right now we can't afford therapy. She had to stop going to her own councilor recently because of a recent decrease in our household income. 

I'm very confused. Living with these dysfunctions are starting to make me believe that the problem is mine. Maybe I don't assert myself enough. Maybe masturbation is cheating. Maybe it's the man's job to do everything. I've never expressed these feeling to anyone so I've never received a third party's viewpoint. 

What do I do and what should I think?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Bill said:


> What do I do and what should I think?


This is basically what you have been asking your wife for the last 10 years: "Honey, What do I do and what should I think?". You have let her control you for many years.

I realise you have come here asking this question one last time, but I just wanted to point out the irony.

Was there ever a time when your woman was more into you sexually?


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## Bill (May 29, 2009)

My wife has always been the way she is. 

I think she's into me sexually, but she doesn't know how to express it. Or maybe she's just selfish. Sex, for her, seems more about her than us. 

She had a tough childhood which has affected her life in many ways. She's put up walls all around her which has left her alone and lonely. I really don't know what should be my level of understanding. When should I just say "enough"?


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Maybe sex is too important in a relationship in my eyes, but there's no way I could live like that, and no way I would have got married before these issues were fixed.

You need to assert yourself to her, as MarkTwain (above) would say, you have shown no backbone in the relationship and that's typically a turnoff for women.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Bill-
So are you saying that she would like it more than once a month? If you initiate, what happens?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

revitalizedhusband said:


> MarkTwain (above) would say, you have shown no backbone in the relationship and that's typically a turnoff for women.


This maybe so, but because she was dysfunctional to start with, the situation is beyond my ability to suggest a solution. 

A lot could be done to get the most optimum response from her, but that would still be not very impressive. Without an epiphany of her own, she is doomed to be the slave of her own strong willed nature, and she will suck anything and anybody into her orbit.

A woman like this might respond to an ultimatum, but she chose the sort of man who would never naturally give her one. That's co-dependency in action.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Why is your wife so suspicious of your attraction to her? 

You've lied to your wife for over ten years and on some level she senses that. i think you probably lie about a lot of things. Im going to guess you have a lot secrets and it is what's keeping you emotionally enslaved to your wife. Come clean with your wife, with yourself, and you will find your life will get better, after it gets worse of course.


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