# 3 years of lies, 3 D days - any point in trying?



## omsc (Sep 8, 2012)

I don't want to get into all the nitty gritty right now, but just wondering from others' experiences if there is any reasonable chance of recovery from a 3 year on-again-off-again affair that my husband has had. There have been 3 awful different discovery days. My husband is super remorseful and wants to try to work on our marriage but frankly I am feeling ambivalent about the matter. He is willing to do therapy. I am devastated and depressed and don't see how I could learn to trust him again after such a long, painful period. But we have two kids for whom I would do anything to spare them from having to deal with the impacts of divorce. 
Am I stupid to even consider allowing him into my heart again? I'm not even sure I can considering the huge wall that is around it now. Any help would be appreciated.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

He has to show a lot of remorse in action to atone himself for three years and three discoveries.
Children can survive divorce, it may turn them bitter or make them learn to appreciate things better than normal-household people. It depends on how the divorcees handle the situation.
This is just so you can get rid of the feeling that you'll fail them if you decide to leave. But it's too early for me to suggest either this or the other.

Can you give us details on how the ddays happened? Did he come clean? Did he get caught ?
Who's the other woman ? Where does he know her from ? Did he go no contact previously and broke it ?

No matter how the story goes, 180 is in order. You should take time to recover and focus on yourself. You can't be of any good to your children if you're forcing things into you.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Unless you are cast into poverty your children should not be the main consideration in remaining in a loveless or even worse, resentful marriage. You SHOULD consider R if forgiveness and regaining love is possible or desirable. If so, three years of disrespect and treachery are awfully difficult to overcome. 

Whatever you decide do not put your dignity and self-respect in the back burner. Your children are learning a lot from observing how you two behave. There is no shame in closing the books on the marriage. There is no shame in forgiving. There is shame in living a lie.


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## Bafuna (Aug 13, 2012)

Eish its tricky, im almost in the same situation,you dont know which is worse the kids going through all the divorce crap or growing up seing you unhappy and staying all in the hope of it getting better. I have made a decision that I'll make every effort for my kids to grow up in a 2 parent home since I grew up only with my mum and am very much aware of the cons. Again Im afraid of what i'll put my kids through with dating again remarrying etc...I guess Im not very strong, I think it requires great strength to leave, but I think it also takes a lot of strength to stay....set your priorities and make a decision. I think either decision is right so long as you feel you can live with it, if there is hope......why not?


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

He is an addict. Quiting "cold turkey" is the best way. Thats there is something call NC. You dont contact the OW for ANY reason whatsoever. This will push the WS into withdrawal. If you need to change cell phone numbers, jobs, move to a new city, then it all depends on how far both of you are willing to go to reconcile. In order R the WS needs to be fuly transparent. I suggest you read threads. There is so much information that is reiterated over and over again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## omsc (Sep 8, 2012)

Husband is very remorseful but he was the last two times as well. A few details:
DDay #1 - He got caught. A hotel in a city 2 hours away called and said they had found his cell phone. I was thoroughly confused since I didn't know he had been out of town so I thought it had been left some time ago. Anyway, it turns out he had met OW there for the day and then drove back home. He denied they had sex, but I subsequently found explicit numerous chats/texts/emails between them and confronted him. He admitted it was physical and emotional but begged for us to work it out. 

DDay #2 - He got caught. 6 months after #1, I got a text from OW while I was at work telling me to check my husband's Skype account to see their chats. I confronted my husband who admitted to still having feelings for a while for OW but that he had ended it that day and she was freaking out about it. She sent me copies of the chats a couple of weeks later which I read against my better judgment. Very painful. Husband said it just took a while for the affair to wind down. He again wanted to work it out with me and we did do some therapy which made us grow much closer.

DDay #3 - He got caught. Last week. I picked up his phone and saw a chat on another secret email account. He denied he was talking to her again until I showed him the email. He said OW called him a couple of months ago and they started talking again. He said he decided he could not leave our family and so it needed to be over with her, again I guess. He begged and pleaded for me to give him another chance. I really let him have it. Lots of name calling, etc. that I do not regret.
I had chosen to never have any contact with OW until this day. I emailed her some deserved, choice words. I know some say no contact is better, but that route hadn't had any impact. Have not heard back from her and my husband says she had not contacted him since either.

OW - is a friend of his from high school who lives 4 hours away. The affair started at a class reunion type party in his home town. She has kids and divorced her husband last year mid-affair with my husband. I do not know her.

He went no contact and broke it.

We have been married 18 years. Our marriage had issues for several years before his affair. The usual growing apart, not communicating, lack of sex, etc. compounded by hectic schedules, issues with kids, work, etc. Husband is a successful businessman. I am a former CPA and have stayed home with kids for years and work part time now. 

I wish I had some clarity on what to do. At times I think there is no way I could/should work on this marriage any more. I think my husband has serious issues - selfishness, materialistic, not to mention dishonesty - and I think I might be better off without him. I know I have my own issues - I don't communicate well sometimes and I can shut down emotionally. I know that I share equally in the problems in our marriage with the exception of my husband's choice to have an affair.

Do you really know of any marriage that worked out after such a long period of lack of communication, infidelity, and hurt feelings?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Don't trust his words. Hes been promising you everything, and then going back on it. 

Time for actions, kick him out and see what does then. 

You'll see some waywards will resent their spouses for it, while some will still do whatever they can even while living in a crappy apartment. 

Good way to see whose just doing talking and whose doing the walking. 

If he EVER blames you for anything after he betrayed you thrice and was forgiven each time, then you have your answer.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

omsc said:


> I don't want to get into all the nitty gritty right now, but just wondering from others' experiences if there is any reasonable chance of recovery from a 3 year on-again-off-again affair that my husband has had. There have been 3 awful different discovery days. My husband is super remorseful and wants to try to work on our marriage but frankly I am feeling ambivalent about the matter. He is willing to do therapy. I am devastated and depressed and don't see how I could learn to trust him again after such a long, painful period. But we have two kids for whom I would do anything to spare them from having to deal with the impacts of divorce.
> Am I stupid to even consider allowing him into my heart again? I'm not even sure I can considering the huge wall that is around it now. Any help would be appreciated.


He is asking a lot of you.

It's possible, but not written in stone that you should.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

I am really sorry for what you're going through. Your husband should be punched in the face. I don't believe that you should take his remorses much in consideration, but this is your call and not anybody else's.

I suggest you do the 180. I don't know if you're familiar with the term, but it basically mean to shut down any contact with your husband other than necessary (dealing with kids matter, for example) and focus solely on yourself and what you need.
More information on this:
The Healing Heart: The 180


There's a great post made by another member of this forum, almostrecovered. I think you should take a look:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739

I'm not going to speak about your husband, I think you nailed his main issues. But I believe that he isn't worthy of you taking his remorse into much consideration. Either he'll comply to the basic steps of atonement or you may have to consider a seperation.
He has to give you all his passwords. He has to constantly call you and give you his whereabouts. I even suggest a GPS tracker on his phone.
If he fail to accept any (ANY!) of these terms, then I'm afraid he's considering getting back with the other woman or find another one.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I think because you are considering giving him a 4th chance, then something in you wants it. And not purely and only for the children. 

I agree with Torrivien, that if he wants this chance then that is what he has to do. And happily so. And actually want to do it. If he does not, you know where you stand.

He has to spend the next 3 years, and more, making sure his whereabouts are known and that he is contactable at all times. And that you can verify that through his phone gps, his calling and texting to inform you, his total dedication to putting your mind at ease from here on. I hope he does for you.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

The second time you didn't catch him, his other woman outed him to you because he ended his affair with her. Yet he still went back with her after that.

What it makes me wonder, though, is do you think he may have had other affairs besides these in the past 18 years? If he did and the other women ended it, or if he ended it and the other woman didn't say anything, you wouldn't know about them.

If you take him back now and decide to reconcile, he is just going to eventually think that he can do it again.

First, ask him to handwrite a no contact letter to the other woman, telling her that he is horribly ashamed of his behavior and that he feels terrible for risking losing his marriage and wife, who he loves more than anyone in the whole world, and if that she tries to contact him again, he will file harassment charges against her. That's it, nothing more and nothing less. Then he gives it to you for mailing.

Next, expose the affair to both of your families. Let them know he has been caught three times in three years, let them know who it was with, and that you are still deciding if you should give him a chance to cheat on you for the fourth time.

Next, ask him to handwrite a letter of apology to you.

Next, get all of his passwords, access to all his communication devices. Make him give up his cell phone and personal email and facebook. Give him one of those phones with parental controls and set it so that he can only dial the police, the auto service club, and you. GPS his car. Let him know that he will be living this way for at least the next three years because that is how long he has been lying to you.

Next, set up a polygraph. Ask if he has had other affairs. Also ask if he has hidden money or accounts. Don't tell him what the questions will be.

Next, he has to get tested for STDs. You do, too.

While all of this is going on, see an attorney about getting the divorce process started. Don't tell him you are doing this if you can hide it from him. I think you should start the process, figuring he is going to screw up, based on past history.

Then, take your time and decide whether or not you still want to be married to him. You don't have any deadline. Just make sure you protect yourself financially and custody-wise.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

If you are remotely interested on R, two words: Post nuptial.
Tell him to put the money where he put his promises.
Also continued IC.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

He isn't remorseful. He is sorry, buy not remorseful. Remorse changes a person inside such that they cannot cheat again. He obviously did cheat again. So no he has no remorse.

No remorse, no reconciliation.


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## omsc (Sep 8, 2012)

It's been a few weeks since my last post and we have had some more ups and downs. I told my husband that I wanted him to write a no contact letter to the OW, that he (or I) should tell his family, and that I wanted to contact a mutual acquaintance of the OW to make sure her friends knew of the affair and knew that my husband and I were committed to working on our marriage.
Unfortunately, these things have not happened. He felt his mother should not be told because she has such a crappy, emotional life already. He said he had already told the OW no more contact so the letter was no necessary. And he said that for me to contact any of the OW's friends was embarrassing and demeaning to him.

I do not want to embarrass or demean him. I want to protect my marriage from the OW so that I can start to open up to my husband and begin to trust again and work towards reconciliation. If he is embarrassed I am sorry about that, but it can't be helped. I think telling his family would ultimately be a relief to him and hopefully give him someone to talk to about his issues. 

So anyway, here I am not feeling much progress as far as feeling any better about the affair or whether there is the possibility that the OW will/has contacted my husband or vice versa. He is adamant that there has been no contact since DDay #3. 

He says he is committed to working on our relationship and that that should be our focus. Not the affair. I say that the affair can't simply be removed from that process. We need to make sure that we do whatever is needed to avoid reverting to old behaviors that led to the affair. I would do whatever it takes. But not sure how to go on with continued uncertainty about trust, understanding, etc. So I guess I am posting this because I am frustrated and scared. He told me yesterday that he does still have feelings for the OW and that it takes time for those feelings to go away completely since he believed our marriage was over and he had planned a future with the OW. 

I'm sure it is irrational to still want to make this marriage work and feel that it really can but that is where I am. I am just not sure how to go forward with this immense pain holding me down. I am not good at opening up emotionally anyway and now fear, distrust, sadness, are holding me back even more.

Should I just try to move forward with my husband and be as open as possible? Try to have a good time and see if we can make each other happy again? Confused here...


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

omsc said:


> I do not want to embarrass or demean him.


Why not? He has embarrassed and demeaned you by lying and cheating on you. 

He needs to do the NC letter not for him or the OW, but to show you he will do whatever it takes, not matter how much he needs to embarrass and demean himself. 

He needs to tell his family. Again, not because you want to burden them, but because he needs to show you that you matter more to him than his own pride. 

If he can't even do that, you are wasting your time with him. He only cares about himself.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You know the old saying

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me twice shame on me
Fool me a 3rd time, there should have never been a 3rd time


He'll do it again, no consequences at all because you'll always take him back. He'll be the good husband for a while then his jail sentence is over and he's free again.

I wouldn't give him a 4th chance but it's your life and you have to decide if you're willing to take another chance hoping for the best.


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## omsc (Sep 8, 2012)

He did go see a therapist yesterday to discuss his issues. He did not want to go but wanted to show me that he cares about me and our marriage by going. He said it went well and he will go back. He is also willing to do marriage counseling to help us restore our marriage.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

omsc said:


> ... *And he said that for me to contact any of the OW's friends was embarrassing and demeaning to him.*
> 
> *Because he's acted so honorably by confessing his misdeeds to you? But only after he was found out*
> 
> ...


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

omsc said:


> Should I just try to move forward with my husband and be as open as possible? Try to have a good time and see if we can make each other happy again? Confused here...


Three D-days and he's refused to write a NC letter to the OW?

Are you waiting for the fourth D-day to take decisive action?


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

Here's the story with my wife. 6 years ago, PA. 4 years ago, another. Contrite both times, we have a young child so I forgave her. After the second one, we started swinging, me thinking it would satisfy her and by doing it together, I felt safe. That lasted 2 years and we tired of it, turns out that didn't satisfy her. This past May discovered emails that she was cheating with 3 guys she met on the Internet. 

Then a week later tells me she's in love with a workmate and she moves in with him. I finally smarten up and serve her with divorce papers 6 years too late. 

The point of this? Don't waste your time and put your heart on the line anymore for your husband. He had multiple chances and failed. Serve him with divorce and do the 180 as others have advised, which is for your benefit mostly. Those two strategies might wake him up, but even if they don't, you will begin the healing process.

My wife shows no sign of wanting to reconcile, but right now, I'm fine with that. I have come so far in 5 months, I can see a happy future with a faithful, loving wife.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You will probably have a 4th d-day. What else did he do except being "super remorseful" ? So he got to have his fun and now he wants to do nothing to fix it ? I suggest that you make the exposure(to friends, not his mother) and NC letter non-negotiable. He had his fun. The exposure isn't about embarassing him. It is about condsequences and taking responsibilty about what he did. I think he knows quite well on how to manipulate you


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Ugh...I am not even close to dealing with what you're dealing with omsc, and I'm ready to pull the plug after only a year of marriage.

What's it going to take for you to leave this guy? He's cake-eating! Why haven't you exposed? Why wait for his blessing?


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

He is going to cheat on you again. There will be a forth, he is manipulating you, he know he is, he knows he can get away with it, because you have allowed him to control you.

Three times??? this is just getting comical for your H. As a cheater myself, I wish all wives were as forgiving and easy to manipulate as you are.

Your H is a serial cheater, who doesn't care or just really sucks at hiding it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Stop seeking his permission on exposing. He didn't ask your permission to cheat first did he?

As you have learned if there are no consequences from cheating then it will be done again.

He's had strike three, he's not being remorseful , he is still negotiating to save his own skin.

And you are giving him too much say in these matters.

Exposure - you do regardless of if he likes it or not.
NC letter - he needs to do it. Why? Because you say so.


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

I mean Three times!!!! Come on. Wake up, you don't want to demean and embarrass him? You haven't given him ONE REASON to change his behavior.

And to answer you question... No there is no point of trying, just more cheating from him and pain and disappointment for you.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

So... he won't do anything to make himself acountable.
Also ... "let focus on the marriage and not in the affiar". Total rugsweeper. As he was the one who invented it.
What are the chances of DDay4?
You guess: 100 %.


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## margrace (Aug 12, 2012)

omsc, i am feeling for (((you))). it is so much harder than the facts and our rational minds tell us it should be.

my situation is similar, only it's three d-days in 1 1/2 years. same deteriorating marriage before that.

i loved him for 15 years before all that. it's been hard to turn that completely off. we all know it's not like flipping a switch. it's not even really completely off for me now! i'm just finally starting to accept that he can't/wont change.

the lying and the covering up are the parts that i really can't stomach.

i'm hoping that you and i can find courage for what comes next. i'm trying to tell myself that maybe the decision itself and the first step are the hardest, and that maybe after that my life can finally start going uphill instead of downhill.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

The OW has sexual history with him too now. She wanted you to know the A is not over. You need to go NC with the OW. That OW will lie to you because she wants your H. Women like her have no limitation. She is nothing more than a hoe/thrash. Women like her look for married men to sleep with. She sees this as so kind of turn on. Now your H has cheated on you more than three times. He is a lair who only thinks of him. He already has destroyed your family. You need to start living life without him. He will not stop cheating with this OW. This OW has no problem sleeping with a married man. She will not be leaving him alone. Do you really want to live life with this mess? Your H is a repeat cheater. IMHO you can stay but get ready for more hard days.


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