# He doesn't trust me to keep my mouth shut



## homa (Sep 30, 2009)

One of my biggest faults is that I speak before I think - I don't always keep secrets. If I know I need to keep something to myself, I'm pretty good at it. (I have slipped some times). The one time that I really made sure to not speak of a "secret", was about a medical concern my husband had. He went for an ultrasound and I promptly forgot to ask him about it (I had put the entire thing out of mind so I wouldn't slip). When I did apologize for it a few days later, he did see that I was truly sorry. He asked me to just listen to him, and being the big mouth that I was, I commented afterwards. He was so hurt that now he has put up a wall and says he doesn't know if he loves me or not. He has considered moving out, divorce etc but realizes that neither are a plausible solution (we have 3 kids and it would absolutely devastate them). We have been married 12 years, and this is the second time that something like this has happened. He says that he believes that I will do it again and doesn't know if he can handle it. I am miserable, he is miserable and I believe that we need marriage counseling - he will not go. Any advice as to how I can earn his trust/respect back?


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Sounds like you're the one who needs counseling. You go. You're the offending partner. Why?


----------



## krismi (Oct 8, 2009)

I'm a little confused about this. You forgot your husband went for a medical procedure? Weren't you worried about him? But also if you did listen to him afterwards and then made your comment when he was finished, what kind of comment was it? Were you just discussing best options or did you say something unkind and hurtful and was it just to him?


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I would look into some books on communicating. Find a good one, buy it, read it, and apply it to your life. I think the best way to earn his respect is to show that you are actively trying to improve yourself in this area.


----------



## iceycat (Oct 8, 2009)

Not enough info to go on for a total opinion, but I would be concerend that he is unwilling to go to counseling. You mentione he said he doesn't love you anymore and has mentioned divorce for telling 2 secrets. Seems like there has to be more to it than that.

That being said ask what you can do to improve things. Tell him how much you would appreciate it if the two of you went to counseling together. If he wants you to change this secret telling behavior, he should be willing to come to the table as well. Maybe it's not his fault that this problem exsits, but it's not about who is at fault, it's about fixing the two of you as a couple. Too many people look at conseling as if I'm not the one with the problem then why should I go? In a true partnership someone should never ask why should I be part of fixing the problem no matter who is at fault.


----------



## homa (Sep 30, 2009)

First - I forgot about the appointment because ever since he started his own business I have been full time working and taking care of the house, the kids, and any thing else that needs to be done - of course I was worried, I just had so many other things on my mind. 

The only comments that I made were stating exactly that - I was overwhelmed with everything that I had to remember - I was in charge of a track meet that incorporates 6 schools (about 1000 kids), one of my kids was going to a birthday party, I had to think of the logistics of getting him there and buying a present, I had to return an RV that was borrowed for the track meets, make sure that supper was on the table etc - I'm sure you get the idea - there was/is lots of pressure on my to make sure that the kids don't feel this stress.

As far as counseling - I'm not sure why he won't go. He says that right now he is "numb" when it comes to "us" so he doesn't know if he wants to put the time into it - although in the next breath he says that he is staying for the kids because they mean the world to him, and as the mother of his kids, we are in this together. Very confusing for me. I feel as though I am a housekeeper and nothing more. All I want is some affection - nothing more, nothing less. When I ask him what he wants, again, he doesn't know... he sees that I am working hard to regain his trust but he doesn't want to chance being hurt again. He really has difficulty explaining exactly how he feels.

I see him as a robot - he gets up, eats breakfast, goes to work, comes home for supper, watches TV/reads a book, goes to bed. The next day it starts all over... who would like this day in and day out, 7 days a week (2 years now, with 5 days off total!) I say it is a choice he is making, our business does fine without him there all the time, but he can't let it go at that, "just in case". How can he put forth effort into our relationship when he is just dead inside - whether it is me or not? 

Any ideas?


----------

