# Acts of contrition



## liv (Aug 20, 2013)

My husband and I have been married 5 years. We have one child together and I have one child from a previous relationship.

One time, early in our relationship, I was unfaithful. I didn't tell him about it. I knew it wouldn't happen again, and I was afraid of losing him because of my stupid mistake. He discovered my indiscretion. We made the decision to continue.

For the next 4 years, his anger and resentment ruled our household. Nothing I did was enough, and everything I did was wrong. I began hiding things I shouldn't need to, just to avoid his angry outbursts. My indiscretion was never really forgiven, and constantly brought up. (and still is to this day) 

I became apathetic. Withdrawing emotionally and shutting down. I negated his feelings. I worked hard overtime as a waitress, took care of the household and children, and went through the motions with my husband. 

Despite how much I care about him, we could never go more than a couple days in a row without a fight. Not a healthy fight. Nasty ones that we threw poison darts at each other. He has been obsessed with the past. Mine with him, and mine before him. 

He began an EA with an ex right before Christmas. Left me on Christmas Eve. He moved in with his parents. He had a one night stand with a barely legal girl on New Year's eve. He dated someone while we were separated (about 10 weeks). He was quite cruel while we were separated, making a fool of me by stringing me along while he did whatever he wanted. In March, he came to the house I was staying in and said he wanted to try again. That for all the problems, and all my faults he loved me and wanted to make things work. He said that he tried with other women while we were apart, but he could only think about me. We got back together, and we were staying with family for about 3 months until we found a house to rent.

We still haven't gotten beyond the past. He questions me daily about my past lovers and our past. 

He says that I have single handedly destroyed everything good about him. Taken away his confidence and made him feel inadequate. 

This is what he has been telling me he wants. He wants an equal and opposite act for the things that I've done in the past to hurt him. I've given our marriage all my effort the past 5 months since we started reconciliation. I've done everything I can think of that I should have been doing but wasn't. I've been completely honest about everything (past and present). I've tried to come up with extra things just to show him I'm trying. It's not enough. He says if I can't figure out how to make up for my past actions in a way that will satisfy him, then I must not care as much as I say. I have NO IDEA what equal and opposite actions he is looking for. ???????


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

liv said:


> He wants an equal and opposite act for the things that I've done in the past to hurt him.. I have NO IDEA what equal and opposite actions he is looking for. ???????


Well you could..um.. try ASKING him what he means by equal and opposite actions?

Otherwise a few suggestions come to mind.

He wants to screw some other woman, and/or he wants a threesome with you and another woman. I know the second one isn't exactly 'equal and opposite' but it would certainly go a long way towards paying off your debt.


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## liv (Aug 20, 2013)

Oh my goodness, I have definitely asked. The answer was, "I shouldn't have to tell you, if you had as much conviction as you say then you could figure it out."


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## liv (Aug 20, 2013)

If a threesome would truly make him feel validated, I would do it. We have to move forward. One way or another.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

So ask him what he wants and be prepared to follow through.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Wow, threesomes are not the answer. And "I shouldn't have to tell you... you could figure it out"? Holy cow, is he a woman??

In all seriousness, he needs to figure out how to get over the past because it is presently dooming the present and the future. It sounds like you've managed to forgive him for his far more selfish and hurtful indiscretions so he owes you that much. If he can't find a way to forgive you (assuming you are indeed being honest and non-secretive and such) then you need to call for a time out here and separate again. I'm not saying you have to go for a divorce, but he needs to wake up and realize it isn't fair to put happiness, self confidence and trust issue squarely on your shoulders five years later.

I get the feeling that he is just angry, hurt, betrayed, etc. and because he feels entitled to those feelings after your initial action, he hasn't seen a reason for letting them go. Especially if holding that over your head has enabled him to wield a degree of control and superiority over you, which I'm guessing it has to a degree as you have probably felt guilt/shame for it and wanted to "make it up" to him in some ways. It's manipulation and avoidance on his part. I'm willing to bet that he says things like, "You should be able to figure out what you need to do if you care enough about me" because he himself has no idea what it will take to satisfy him. If he isn't willing to simply make the conscious (and admittedly tough) decision to just let it go and resolve to never discuss it again, then there is NOTHING anyone else can do to satisfy that pain/anger. There is no amount of "make good" that you can perform for that, including something as ridiculous as letting him cheat or engage in a threesome.


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## liv (Aug 20, 2013)

cdbaker said:


> Wow, threesomes are not the answer. And "I shouldn't have to tell you... you could figure it out"? Holy cow, is he a woman??
> 
> In all seriousness, he needs to figure out how to get over the past because it is presently dooming the present and the future. It sounds like you've managed to forgive him for his far more selfish and hurtful indiscretions so he owes you that much. If he can't find a way to forgive you (assuming you are indeed being honest and non-secretive and such) then you need to call for a time out here and separate again. I'm not saying you have to go for a divorce, but he needs to wake up and realize it isn't fair to put happiness, self confidence and trust issue squarely on your shoulders five years later.
> 
> I get the feeling that he is just angry, hurt, betrayed, etc. and because he feels entitled to those feelings after your initial action, he hasn't seen a reason for letting them go. Especially if holding that over your head has enabled him to wield a degree of control and superiority over you, which I'm guessing it has to a degree as you have probably felt guilt/shame for it and wanted to "make it up" to him in some ways. It's manipulation and avoidance on his part. I'm willing to bet that he says things like, "You should be able to figure out what you need to do if you care enough about me" because he himself has no idea what it will take to satisfy him. If he isn't willing to simply make the conscious (and admittedly tough) decision to just let it go and resolve to never discuss it again, then there is NOTHING anyone else can do to satisfy that pain/anger. There is no amount of "make good" that you can perform for that, including something as ridiculous as letting him cheat or engage in a threesome.


Lol, "Is he a woman?" I've had the same thought occasionally. You are correct. This has been something that has been held over my head for years. We go through cycles. He says, "I forgive you. I'll never bring it up again. Let's move forward." Then something (anger, insecurity, etc.) triggers him, and we start all over again. 

I have been very honest and open since we got back together. Even before then, when we were separated. I've answered every question more than once. I do agree that a lot of his actions have been selfish and, at times, childish. 

However, I have made a commitment to, firstly, myself to see this through. I hate to hear the word "separation" anymore. That was a horrible period that I'd rather forget. I suppose there does come a time when you've exhausted all other possibilities.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I think the idea is that when you've exhausted all other avenues of reaching him, you have to go for the "gut punch wake up call" option. Doing whatever it takes in order to make him realize that these behaviors are unacceptable and that the cost of not accepting that and changing is the eventual destruction of his family. We see it here on TAM all the time where men don't ever make accept that change is needed or commit to those changes until they finally realize that failing to do so will directly lead to the end of their marriage/family. I know there are a ton of reasons why we guys do that, (most of which I think can be boiled down to women believing they can communicate with us as if we are women), but ultimately placating him will be a losing battle that will likely only get worse with time.

I'm also curious where you stand regarding his affair? How do you reconcile yourself with that? Have you struggled with forgiveness?


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