# My Wife's Raging is Detroying Our Marriage!



## rolander (Sep 25, 2015)

I am a male 63. I was severely abused as a child growing up at home and took care of a drug addicted Mother for many years until she commited suicide. Because of this history, I was codependent for many years and was a people-pleaser. I always attracted emotionally unavailable women who used me. I was married twice to women like this until I got into codependence recovery almost 7 years ago. I also am active in Adult Children of Alcoholics. After being in recovery for 3 years, I thought I was healthy enough to be in another relationship. I knew my triggers and believed that I had discovered who I was and what I wanted in a relationship. I became involved with a woman that I had known for many years. She was going through a divorce from a man who was abusive to her for 26 years. He was also a flaming alcoholic. 

I helped to support her during this time emotionally until she was divorced. She was working as a Dental Assistant. My income level is considerably greater than hers. We dated and lived together for about 2 years and then married about 2 years ago. Before we were married I noticed that she had somewhat of a chip on her shoulder about how she thought she was treated unfairly her whole life and deserved more. She also raged occasionally. I told her at the time that I couldn't live with anyone who raged because it took me back to my childhood where I had to deal with that daily. She promised not to do it again and was successful until about 1 year into our marriage. The frequency began increasing after she decided to quit her job that she hated. I asked her if she would take care of me while I was recovering from major back surgery about 14 months ago. She helped me for 6 weeks until I could get back to work again. I encouraged her to look and take her time to find what she might want to do with her life. She decided to study and pass a real estate exam to become a broker. I had done something similar the year before to help her and she had gone back to school but dropped out. She has made no attempt to find work as a real estate agent and continues to have me support both her and her daughter. I have never complained about this and have always given her a good allowance and I do not try to control her (part of my codependence recovery). However, her unhappiness with me and her life has continued to deteriorate over the past year. She has made no attempt to find a job and I have not pressured her about it. She has a money spending problem that I have bailed her out of 3 times now. The last time I made her promise to let me see her credit card balances whenever I wanted in order to make sure that she wasn't carrying a balance as per our agreement. I never asked to see them until a month ago. She refused to let me see. I could read between the lines on that but said nothing about it. Her raging has started to increased a lot (4 times in the last month). Each time I told her about the boundary that I had set with her a year earlier. She said she was sorry but that didn't stop it from happening. She has also started to drink after she rages and has gotten drunk on some of these occasions. 

Last Thursday night I came home from my ACA meeting and told her this incredibly beautiful story that one of the women at the meeting had shared. Instead of enjoying it with me, she proceeded to accuse me of going to these meetings in order to meet women. This was unbelievable to me since I have never been unfaithful to her or anyone in this manner in my life. It was the farthest thing from my mind to prey on these vulnerable people that attend these meetings. I have always been affectionate and loving toward her. She proceeded to give me the silent treatment and wouldn't speak with me for the rest of the night and Friday. 

On Saturday morning when she was sitting at the kitchen table she started raging at me about the Thursday night incident and wouldn't stop. She also told me that she didn't trust me and that I didn't do enough for her which really blew me away. I take care of the house, dishes, yardwork, animals, you name it and of course I pay for everything. I couldn't believe that she was saying this. She left the room and came back a few minutes later and continued to rage. This time her daughter had gotten up and she raged at her too. She then got the bottle of champagne out of the refrigerator that we were going to toast our 2nd anniversary with and opened it and drank it. She came back in and raged some more. I did nothing except try to reason with her not raising my voice but she wouldn't have any of it. She has alienated all of her friends over the past year because they have all "let her down". I finally left and came back later which is what I started doing when she rages. I didn't attempt to discuss it with her until this past Tuesday and she was totally unreceptive. Everything was my fault or someone else's fault. she wouldn't take responsibility for anything. I told her that I had set a boundary about raging but all she did was tell me that she was going to rage and what was I going to do about it? I told her that I didn't know. Her daughter stood up for her and said that she and her Father used to get into knock down drag out fights all the time they were married and that was the way she handled everything, by raging. I told both of them that this was not acceptable in our house. Nothing was resolved. She knows how much this has upset me and is currently doing what she always does, damage control and treats me very nice until it happens again. I am starting to believe that she has a form of a Borderline Personality Disorder. She really seems to fit the symptoms. She won't do anything about it because it isn't her problem. I can't begin to say how frustrating this has been for me. I am at the end of my rope. I even made an apt with an attorney to find out what my options are. Am I doing the right thing?


----------



## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Yes. You are doing the right thing in seeing an attorney. Especially if you take the attorney's advice and divorce the person you accidentally married.

I'm not sure what the details of your therapy experiences have been, but there is a difference between being "controlling" and "covering your bases."

If you are paying for your partner's "upkeep," you have every right to know where the money is being spent, regardless of whether it is an allowance or anything else.

One could argue that its none of your business where your wife spends the money SHE earned, but if she's spending YOUR money, you have a right to know how its being spent.

Knowing your childhood, it seems deliberately cruel that your wife would rage at you- she needs to get some help to deal with the abuse she endured, if you guys are going to have a chance of working out long term.

I hope you can persuade her to get that help, and that ya'll can have a better life together. Preparing for divorce may provide the impetus she needs to work on becoming a better person.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hell yes you are doing the right thing. How old is her daughter? She must be old enough to be self sufficient. Dude yes, see the lawyer and get these women out of your life.


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Sorry you are going through this. Victims of abuse will be either victims again or abusers themselves. Her dysfunctional past has altered her for the worst and it is not your job to save or take care of her. You are your own main priority.

The honeymoon phase kept most of her dysfunction at bay.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Problem is you do too much and she doesn't see you as a husband but as a provider and she's been ranting for so long and you have been accepting it for so long, it's a way of life for you.

Comes down to this. Stop being the nice guy and doing everything you can to please. You see where that's getting you. Time to swing the hammer down and let her know that he behavior suck, your tired of her mouth and what comes out of it and your tired of being her banker. 

First thing you do is stop paying her credit cards since she has bad spending habits and if you don't, she'll put you in the poor house. Let her know that she pays for them now and let her know that if she can't control her mouth and behavior then she will find herself out in the street.

When you do this you damn well better make sure you say it in a way that she finally understands that she pushed you as far as you can go and there's no more backing up. If you don't it's only going to get worse.

If she threatens you with divorce then tell her to file but make sure her stuff is gone before she does. You can't afford to back up and further. Either that or continue to suffer.


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Don't just find out what your options are, File for divorce. She knew what your boundaries were before marrying you. You have allowed her to push those boundaries and she knows you will do nothing.

Stop, giving all your power away. Divorce her, get your life back. 


Stop paying her bills.


----------



## rolander (Sep 25, 2015)

I want to thank everyone for their reaction to all of this and your words of wisdom even though it was blunt in some cases. I really needed that. Your responses are what I have heard from some of my close friends who were safe enough to discuss this with. Her daughter is 21 and suffers from the same entitlement. I have worked really hard to make this relationship work but everyone is right. I have been too nice of a guy about everything (residual people-pleasing and fear of abandonment). Believe it or not, I have a bad temper but I learned to control it many years ago and was proud of my self-control through all of this. Of course my payoff was stomach and bowel issues because of my tendency to internalize these things. I remember after we got married when she realized my net worth. She became angry at me because I wouldn't give her more money to spend. I explained to her that the money was being saved for our retirement and that I had worked hard to save this over the years. She didn't get it then or now. I have been very generous with her and her family. It has cost me financially because I haven't saved a dime since we hooked up. I haven't tried to use money to control her but eventually had to reign her lask of discipline in. I will see the attorney and see what my options are and then move forward. I will let everyone know what happened.


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

rolander said:


> I want to thank everyone for their reaction to all of this and your words of wisdom even though it was blunt in some cases. I really needed that. Your responses are what I have heard from some of my close friends who were safe enough to discuss this with. Her daughter is 21 and suffers from the same entitlement. I have worked really hard to make this relationship work but everyone is right. I have been too nice of a guy about everything (residual people-pleasing and fear of abandonment). Believe it or not, I have a bad temper but I learned to control it many years ago and was proud of my self-control through all of this. Of course my payoff was stomach and bowel issues because of my tendency to internalize these things. I remember after we got married when she realized my net worth. She became angry at me because I wouldn't give her more money to spend. I explained to her that the money was being saved for our retirement and that I had worked hard to save this over the years. She didn't get it then or now. I have been very generous with her and her family. It has cost me financially because I haven't saved a dime since we hooked up. I haven't tried to use money to control her but eventually had to reign her lask of discipline in. I will see the attorney and see what my options are and then move forward. I will let everyone know what happened.



It is okay to feel sorry for their background but have boundaries of your own. Their past has made them so dysfunctional and it sounds like the ex had a lot to do with that. Nonetheless, always remember to look after you first. They have to fix their own lives and coddling them will stop them from hitting rock bottom and seeking help to fix their own lives. You giving in only reinforces their world views and behavior.

The best people to help is those who are striving for change.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Please please please tell me you did a pre-nup.......


----------



## rolander (Sep 25, 2015)

No I did not. Big mistake. This will likely cost me quite a bit. All I can say is that lesson learned!!!! Thank you for your concern!


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

rolander said:


> I am starting to believe that she has a form of a Borderline Personality Disorder. She really seems to fit the symptoms.


Rolander, I agree with you that the behaviors you describe -- i.e., event-triggered rages, irrational jealousy, controlling behavior, feelings of entitlement, lack of impulse control (e.g., over spending and drinking), verbal abuse, temper tantrums, and always being "The Victim" -- are classic warning signs for BPD. If you decide that you are seeing strong BPD traits, I offer the following suggestions:

*As an initial matter,* I recommend that you NOT try to persuade her that she is exhibiting such symptoms. If she is a BPDer, she almost certainly will project the accusation right back onto you, believing YOU to be the BPDer. Instead, simply encourage her to see a good psychologist (not a MC) and let the psych decide what to tell her.

*Second, *I recommend you read two BPDfamily articles: Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD (Article 9) and Leaving a Partner with BPD (Article 10). While you are at the BPDfamily forum, I suggest you start participating (or at least lurking) at the *"Leaving"* board. 

*Third,* as long as you are still living with her, I suggest carrying a VAR to record outbursts and collecting other evidence that will help prepare you for the divorce. If she has strong BPD traits, the divorce likely will get nasty and vindictive very quickly. 

*Fourth,* also helpful in preparing for the attack is the book, _Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder_. 

*Fifth,* if you are ready to divorce her, I suggest that you see an attorney and immediately file for divorce. As soon as you have proof (e.g., an email from you to her) that you've told her you are separated, you can start separating all of your joint funds, e.g., move half of any joint checking account into a new individual account for yourself. Of course, she is not entitled to any property or money you accumulated prior to the marriage. Moreover, the sooner you divorce, the smaller the amount of money you will lose to her. 

*Sixth,* if you somehow are still reluctant to divorce her, I suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. Even if she decides to go to a psychologist (an unlikely event), you cannot rely on HER therapist to be candid with you about her true diagnosis whenever BPD may be involved. Instead, you must see your own psychologist, who has not seen or treated her. That way, he is ethically bound to protect YOUR best interests, not hers. 

*Finally*, I suggest you read more about BPD red flags so you are able to avoid running right into the arms of another woman just like the one you (hopefully) are leaving. An easy place to start reading is my list of _*18 Warning Signs*_. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description if them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. 

If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. We want to keep trying to answer your questions and providing emotional support as long as you find our shared experiences helpful. Moreover, by sharing your own experiences here, you likely are helping many other members and lurkers. Take care, Rolander.


----------



## rolander (Sep 25, 2015)

Thank you for this in-depth information and advice! I will read over your suggestions and look at the "Leaving" board. Sounds like her condition is more serious than what I had originally thought and I need to keep an eye on everything. I'm seeing a lawyer tomorrow to get an idea of the costs involved.


----------



## rolander (Sep 25, 2015)

One thing that I didn't mention when I was stating what happened during her last raging episode was that when I left and came back later (6 PM) she was leaving in her car and was all dressed up. I was able to get her to stop. When I asked her what she was doing, she told me that she was going out dancing at this nightclub bar that I had heard some time ago was a "meat" market. This really shook me up because I thought the original reason for her anger toward me was that I had told her about a beautiful story that someone from my ACA group had told. She accused me of wanting to go to meetings to pick up women even though I believe that she knew this was not true. Why would she engage in the same behavior that she was accusing me of doing? This was especially hurtful in light of the fact that we had been sexually intimate at least 4 times during that week in which it occurred. I remember about 6 months earlier she told me that she wanted to make love more often. When she told me this, I began to attempt to seduce her and make love every day from that point on. Interestingly, she was the one that was doing all of the rejecting of me after I started to do this. 

I did see an attorney and I know where I stand with that. It is just a matter of making a decision about everything now.


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

rolander said:


> She accused me of wanting to go to meetings to pick up women even though I believe that she knew this was not true. Why would she engage in the same behavior that she was accusing me of doing?


Rolander, if she has strong BPD traits, this is EXACTLY the sort of behavior you should expect to see. It is called "projection." The main reason it occurs is that BPDers are so filled with self loathing and shame that the last thing they want to see is one more mistake or flaw to add to the long list of things they hate about themselves. To protect their fragile egos from this pain, their subconscious minds work 24/7 to keep their conscious minds from seeing too much of reality. 

Hence, whenever a BPDer is experiencing hurtful feelings -- or, as in this case, experiencing naughty thoughts that would cause painful feelings of shame -- her subconscious projects that bad thought (e.g., wanting to go to a meat market) onto YOU. Because this projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, the BPDer truly believes that the bad thought is coming from YOU. 

The result is that it is very common for a BPDer to accuse her partner of a selfish intention and then, a few days later, do exactly what she had been accusing him of wanting to do. In contrast, narcissists and sociopaths will simply lie to get their way. BPDers, however, tend to resort to lying only when they have painted themselves into a corner and see no other way to save face. They know that lying will increase their feelings of shame, which already are at a painful level. BPDers therefore rely far more heavily on projection because, being created subconsciously, it is guilt free. 



> This was especially hurtful in light of the fact that we had been sexually intimate at least 4 times during that week in which it occurred.


Again, this behavior is not surprising if she is a BPDer (i.e., has strong traits). BPDers generally behave the very WORST immediately after the very BEST of times. Because a BPDer has a fragile, unstable sense of who she is, she quickly becomes very uncomfortable during intimacy -- as occurs during a passionate evening together or on a really great vacation. 

Having a weak ego, the BPDer feels like she is being controlled by your strong personality. This makes her feel engulfed. Indeed, she may even feel like her own personality is evaporating into thin air and she is losing herself into you. This is why BPDers generally create a fight -- over absolutely nothing at all -- to push you away and get breathing space. 

And this is why the worst fights tend to occur after the best experiences you two enjoy together. Like nearly everybody else, BPDers crave intimacy. But they cannot tolerate it for very long when they get it. My BPDer exW, for example, typically would undermine an expensive vacation by starting a fight about three days into the vacation. I discuss this type of behavior in more detail in Maybe's Thread.


----------



## rolander (Sep 25, 2015)

Wow! This would appear to be true. She normally picks fights a few days into a vacation and has really put a damper on most vacations that we have gone on. Is there any way of dealing with and correcting this kind of behavior without leaving the marriage? I'm not optimistic because this type of cycle has happened so many times and the fact that she never takes responsibility for anything. It is always someone else's fault (normally me-I'm not doing enough of this or that). On top of that, she doesn't think that she needs any help and is perfectly fine with her behavior. I have really started to observe this in her interaction with others. She was asked to step in and actually work in a front office for 1 week to cover for someone's vacation recently. All the time she was doing that she did nothing but complain about the people in the office in a condescending manner and complained about how they treated her and how they were doing things wrong and how she would fix their behavior. This is the same manner in which she, over the period of the past year, alienated all of her friends. She kept saying "I'm done, I'm not going to take anymore from these people". Believe me, these people did nothing wrong to her to warrant that kind of response and behavior. This was very reminiscent of how she acts toward me some of the time when she isn't running damage control for a raging outburst. 

I know that she has been depressed for a long time. Most of my friends tell me that once she gets a job someday, everything will be better but I have my doubts because of her previous behavior and things that she has said to me that have done nothing but hurt me and our relationship. Thank you for your concern and input!


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

rolander said:


> Is there any way of dealing with and correcting this kind of behavior without leaving the marriage?


Rolander, if your W has only moderate BPD traits, you may be able to somewhat reduce her dysfunctional behavior by establishing stronger personal boundaries and religiously enforcing them -- and by learning better techniques for validating her feelings. Yet, if she has strong BPD traits, my experience is that all the boundaries and validation in the world won't make a dent in her behavior problems. 

It is rare for a high functioning BPDer (person with strong traits) to have sufficient self awareness and ego strength to seek therapy -- much less stay in therapy long enough to make a real difference. As you said, "She doesn't think that she needs any help and is perfectly fine with her behavior."


----------



## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

She sounds like a character. Is there any good in her that would make you stay with her? Have you tried marriage counseling? I think you two could benefit from counseling for a while and if all else fails then yeah, a divorce may be necessary. I hope things get better.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

rolander said:


> after we got married when she realized my net worth. She became angry at me because I wouldn't give her more money to spend.
> 
> I haven't saved a dime since we hooked up.


Reason enough to divorce her and move on. 

And for heaven's sake, stop getting married.

And in the meantime, I'm sure you've been told the rule for raging, but I'll remind you.
The boundary you tell her: "I will not tolerate raging."
The consequence you tell her you will enact if she rages: "I will leave if you criticize me or raise your voice."
The ACTION you take when she ignore you and rages anyway (like she always does): YOU LEAVE.

You can try leaving the room for 15 minutes and then coming back in. If she lights into you again, you leave the house and go for a walk. If she does it again when you get home, you get your keys and go for a drive, get a coffee or something and come back in two hours. Turn your phone off. If she does it again when you get home, you pack some stuff and go stay at a hotel or a friend's house for the night. If she does it again, you stay gone for two days. Then three. Then a week. 

If you've gone through all this, and she STILL can't stop raging at you, you'll know there's no hope and she either refuses to control herself or she is incapable. In which case, you will then know you have to divorce. In the meantime, she is free to go find a good therapist and work on her problems and MAYBE you'll consider dating her again. Although I'm pretty sure that will never happen. She married you to rescue her, wait on her, and give her your money. It's quite clear.

It's also quite clear that you didn't do enough therapy to get past your Knight In Shining Armor syndrome, so, honestly, you have no business dating right now until you've focused more on yourself.


----------

