# How can I get sanity back?



## Oregon38 (Sep 19, 2010)

First of all, I'm glad to be back. I've found this website last year and it has helped me tremendously. 

Since my last post in September about my wife's EA a lot of things happened. After I discovered the EA last year my latent depression of about 10 years really broke out and I had a suicide attempt because of the devastating news. After that I finally got the help I needed with treatment and therapy and my wife, separared for one year at that point, and I agreed to take it easy and see what happens. 

With the medication and therapy I definitely could see a major improvement and so did the relationship with my wife and 11 year old daughter. All the way up to January 2011 everything
looked great. Lots of activities together as a family, great holidays. At some point I even spent more time at my wife's place than mine. Great sex life too. She even gave me her key 
to her apartment which she didn't do before. On December 31st my wife asked me, after a little argument, whether we should try to move together but I wasn't really ready for that internally and told her so. In the meantime my wife found a position as a mental health nurse in a hospital after graduating in June. She was constantly working like a maniac and working overtime was pretty much programmed. I told her to find a motel just in case something like that happens in order to avoid a 45 minute commute, especially when she has to work two shifts back to back. I took care of everything else at her apartment to make her life as easy as possible, including
taking care of our daughter.

Beginning of January was a big change. She was working more and more overtime or would come really late, not returning phone calls or text messages. The excuse was work schedule or hanging out with co-workers for dinner. I already had a weird feeling in my stomach, knowing her for 16 years, because her behavior changed dramatically. Communication was nearly non existent, she was more and more distant and intimacy went down hill too. Right after Valentine's day she came home from work after a long day, sat down and started talking. Suddenly, She asked me about my taxes and she definitely knew that that was a red flag for me. I got loud and she started arguing. She told me that I didn't change at all and made me feel really bad. All I knew was to leave the situation in order to prevent any further problems. We didn't talk for about two days after that. The next thing I know was that she mentioned divorce. 

I couldn't understand why she would consider divorce over an argument like that and after all those great months we had before. My lights went out and there was suicide attempt number two which ment hospital stay again. Two days after I was released I couldn't stand it anymore at my apartment so I decided to take my two dogs and go to the beach. A lot of memories came up during the drive because that was our favorite family activity, going to the coast. That night I 
received a call from my daughter that she couldn't reach my wife at all. I tried to get a hold of her for two hours, text message, voice message after another and then finally she was at home. I told her how upset I was and she acted like nothing serious happened. I was driving back home from the coast when I suddenly had a black out and crashed my car. Luckily, nobody was injured and to this date I still don't know what happened. Fact was, my car was a wreck, which pretty much put me out of my job, I was arrested and hospitalized again. That time I did not plan on doing something stupid but it happened. After this devastating event my mom came from out of country to see how I was doing. She even had an even better job to do. She served me the divorce papers in the mental hospital. 

After discharge the plan was for me to leave the country for a few months to recover and then come back to the US, which was mostly my wife's idea. I contacted all my clients and a lot of the said that they would wait for me to return. This news changed my mind and I told myself why not stay here and continue. My father-in-law who was diagnosed with cancer at that time offered me to stay at his place for as long as I want to get back on track. Perfect. I told my wife the news the next day and she totally exploded. She said that I have to leave the country otherwise she would break up any contact with her dad and family. Her dad called me and said that we might
have to change plans. I was totally devastated again. It was April 1st and no joke - ther was suicide attempt number three. I took an overdose of anxiety pills. I don't remember anything
from that night and the following day, so all this police report info only. On April 2nd in the morning my wife found me, called paramedics, I got to the hospital for observation and was 
released that evening. After walking around disorientated for about two hours on the apartment complex my wife took me to her apartment and wanted to call 911. I disagreed and things got out
of control. I stragulated her, broke two phones. The cops arrived and booked me into jail on DV assault charges that night. After three days in jail I bailed myself out and face now some assault charges against me (a scratch on my wife's hand) which could result in my deportation since I am not a US citizen. Since that time I also have a no contact order against my wife and child which was really devastating for me. My lawyer already told me that my trial doesn't look too good event though I was under the influence of medication and don't remember anything.

Since this time, I'm living at my father-in-law's place, my divorce was finalized, Easter, Mother's day and other stuff. At some point i couldn't take it anymore and thought WTF with this
no contact order, I have to talk to my child. I thought as a caring mother, my ex wouldn't care about this court stuff. Everything went well for about a week. I called my child in the morning before school and in the evening to see how her day went. Obviously, too much of information sharing for my ex. She contacted her dad and told him I should stop harassing my child on the phone. The whole family (mine and hers) feels that I was treated wrong by her and everybody is is angry about the legal stuff I'm facing, especially because it was preventable by my ex. Something my ex doesn't know is that I'm in contact with her sister over the phone, even she noticed a sudden change in my ex's behavior since January. I told her on several occasions that I suspect somebody else was in the picture and she told me that she would give me her facebook
info to check out my ex's site. There it was, finally the whole thing made sense. She started dating one of the co-workers in January. He is 25, she 34, even a picture of him and a nice
paiting my ex made for the "man who took her out of her darkness". I knew that my feeling was right and even though we were separated that she cheated with some other guy which then caused the divorce. I actually knew about him since mid April, when I found some stuff on my ex's computer. But She told me there was no other man in the picture.

After all this news my system almost couldn't take it anymore. I called my ex to confront her. She hang up on me. Called my daughter. She didn't recognize me on the phone and thought I was the other guy. She hang up on me also. I was close to suicide attempt number 4 and I checked myself into the hospital for a week. I told everybody of the family about all this and they are totally devastated. My ex treats everybody like an idiot, barely talks and visits her dad and thinks that his chemo-therapy is a piece of cake. She was/is lying all of them straight into the face about what's going on. She even used my daughter to lie for her. She now wants to get a house close to her work (or close to her lover), something she wanted to get with me in December. But everything was my fault. That's how she pictured me in front of everybody. Now I know why she wanted me out of this country so badly, so she could live her little affair in peace and quiet.

What can I do to stay sane? I want my child, which I, almost solely raised, back. Father's day was really emotional and the fact that my wife was having something with this other guy
while I was watching my child drives me crazy. But it guess time will tell. I'm sure her new relationship will not last for a long time because it is based on a lie. She could have had
everything, a loving husband, a caring father and the few issues we had, including mine, were fixable in my opinion. She chose to check out but for which price?

Any comments are appreciated.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Wow, there is a lot of stuff for you to deal with, some of it self-inflicted, some from your wife, some from the universe... I assume you are having individual counseling, if it hasn't been ordered by the courts already I'd highly suggest finding a good IC and really letting go and embracing somekind of a base to start building your life from.

I too have been depressed for a long time, not sure if its physiological, psychological, marital, whatever but have not had extreme problems with anxiety and would never be proactive to actually take my own life (though have often wished for it passively - in the past). But it has cost me much - years of unfulfillment and my marriage.

I would say start right now by figuring out what is important to you in life. I would think your child is at the top of the list, your happiness and accomplishing some kind of reasonable goals should be up there too.

As for your wife's affair, it is really hard for you to do much about it, it is the decision she is making and it is really hard to compete with the lure of the intensity that she is feeling. In order for you to have any chance at repairing it you need to be strong for both yourself and to convince her that you will be a good partner. And it sounds like you have a long way to go. I wish you luck and good skill and hope you can find a way to let go of things that you have no control over, just focus on what you can.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

I'm sure my response will sound insensitive but you did say "any" comments would be appreciated.

You sound emotionally fractured and not a very strong person. Your solution to conflict and stressful situations is apparently to kill yourself. I don't suspect there are many women who would find that trait attractive in a man, and I suspect your ex-wife doesn't.

You say you want your daughter back, that you are a caring father. And yet you felt like killing yourself four times which would have left your daughter fatherless and emotionally ravaged. How caring is that?

Lastly, you say whatever the situation it was all "fixable in my opinion". Given your history of suicide attempts I would say you need to "fix" yourself first before expecting anyone to "invest" themselves in you.

While I'm sympathetic to your emotional issues, it would be wrong not to recognize that they represent a serious amount of "baggage" for your ex-wife to carry around.

I don't think you are in a state of mind conducive to a relationship at this point. You need to stay single, work out your issues with counseling, and seek a relationship only when you are strong enough to deal with the things that life is going to throw at you.


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## Oregon38 (Sep 19, 2010)

I didn't come here to hear just positive stuff, so thanks BigToe for your straight forward input. 

I know suicide is not a solution to things but sometimes the system can't handle things in a rational manner anymore, so it's easy to say not to think about it.

I think I didn't have enough healing time after the first attempt and the tools I had failed. After that it was a roller coaster without any end. It is true that I am very emotional and IC has helped me to find different coping strategies.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Oregon I have to agree with BT that you shouldn't even be attempting to be in a relationship, I think you kind of gave up the right to ask her to fight for your marriage when you attempted to take your life. Your goal as you stated in the title of this thread is to get your sanity back. That means letting go and trusting that the right things will come to you and knowing that by working on yourself and seeking help and support you are learning the right skills to cope with it.

It was not right for your wife to cheat, but really which one of you has caused more harm to the marriage by your actions? There is no shame in admitting that you both are better off alone or with someone else, you still have a child together and will always have a special bond, but, as I am finding out too, it is sometimes hard to face the reality of that change in circumstance. The goal is to do it with as much grace and dignity as possible because it makes us better people more capable of receiving the gifts in life we deserve.


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