# Marriage anniversary coming up and EA was recent-what to do?



## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

I posted about my recent EA here: "Destroyed marriage (cyber affair"

In short, my wife found out in June about an EA I had. Since then, I have been trying to keep my marriage and relationship with her going (see above link). I realized a couple of days ago that our 5-year anniversary is coming up in September and I'm not quite sure about what to do. At this point, things are in a tough, raw, tentative stage, but there has been small progress. I'm just not sure about how she might feel about the anniversary. 

Of course, I want to acknowlege our anniversay, and I'm prepared if she isn't willing to do so, but I'm not quite sure about *how* I should acknowlege it-card only? Invite her out to dinner? Small gift and card? I'm just not sure... 

*For those of you who have been through the discovery of an affair, how did you handle the next marriage anniversary, assuming that you stayed with your spouse? Did you acknowlege the day and if so, how? What did you do or give your spouse and/or what did they do for you? *Thanks!


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

> I'm just not sure about how she might feel about the anniversary.


How she feels... I thought _you_ were the one who got cheated-on. Are you rugsweeping. WOW! :scratchhead:


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

BigBri said:


> How she feels... I thought _you_ were the one who got cheated-on. Are you rugsweeping. WOW! :scratchhead:


No, I'm the one who cheated and no, I'm not rugsweeping.

I know that she's hurting and very angry at me, but we are working on things. My question was about how to approach doing anything for our anniversary.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

I don't think she really wants to celebrate any marriage vows as of this moment. I think her take on your marriage is pretty [email protected] right now. Maybe you shouldn't even bring it up unless she comes to you first.


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## Alivinghell (Jul 27, 2011)

tm84 said:


> I posted about my recent EA here: "Destroyed marriage (cyber affair"
> 
> In short, my wife found out in June about an EA I had. Since then, I have been trying to keep my marriage and relationship with her going (see above link). I realized a couple of days ago that our 5-year anniversary is coming up in September and I'm not quite sure about what to do. At this point, things are in a tough, raw, tentative stage, but there has been small progress. I'm just not sure about how she might feel about the anniversary.
> 
> ...


It may be very painful, but I know as a wife who got cheated on that if you ignore it it will be much MORE painful, and will send the message that you don't care... she shouldn't have to feel that way even more than she already does...


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

This is a tough one, but you really cannot ignore it either.

You should probably talk to her about it ahead of time and then follow through.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

i I found out about my husbands affair the day after our 5th anniversay in 08. I didn't celebrate another one (of my own choosing) with him until this yr 5mths ago two mnths before I found out the affair was still going on. While he always wanted to and ask which I did find some comfort in. So I would say at least ask and have something planned if she says yes.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

Alivinghell said:


> It may be very painful, but I know as a wife who got cheated on that if you ignore it it will be much MORE painful, and will send the message that you don't care... she shouldn't have to feel that way even more than she already does...


I definitely don't want to ignore it. I'm planning on asking her how she feels about it and go from there. Thanks.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> This is a tough one, but you really cannot ignore it either.
> 
> You should probably talk to her about it ahead of time and then follow through.


I will be doing that. Thanks.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

sexuallyfustrated said:


> i I found out about my husbands affair the day after our 5th anniversay in 08. I didn't celebrate another one (of my own choosing) with him until this yr 5mths ago two mnths before I found out the affair was still going on. While he always wanted to and ask which I did find some comfort in. So I would say at least ask and have something planned if she says yes.


Sorry to hear about your ordeal. I am planning on asking and am figuring out what I might do if she does say yes. Thank you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm the LS but in my case the main thing *we* want to do is reconnect. My WW wasn't sure so I told her it doesnt matter what day or reason but the point is we need to reconnect so "yes I'm taking you to Vages for our 19th anny.".

Confronted in beginning of Feb, 19th anny is end of March, so thats what... a month and a few weeks between the two. The point is don't worry about celabrating a problematic marriage, but us it as a reason to get away or doing something to reconnect.

So let her know that on such in such a day (your anny.) That you would like to give her or take her somewere to "reconnect". If any thing celebrate the effert the two of you are making in working it out.

Maybe if you approach it this way it won't sound so......IDK like your tring to celebrate a screwed up marriage but more like an effort to celebrate a new beginning.

Good luck, and make the the effort no matter what.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

the guy said:


> So let her know that on such in such a day (your anny.) That you would like to give her or take her somewere to "reconnect". If any thing celebrate the effert the two of you are making in working it out.
> 
> Maybe if you approach it this way it won't sound so......IDK like your tring to celebrate a screwed up marriage but more like an effort to celebrate a new beginning.
> 
> Good luck, and make the the effort no matter what.


You know, I hadn't thought about celebrating it as a possible new beginning. I'll see what happens when we talk about it to see if she's up for doing anything first. Thanks for the suggestion.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

An update on this: We went up to NYC yesterday and had a pretty good time together. I was still ready to bail in the days leading up to the trip, but I'm glad that I didn't. The day went really well, with little of the anxiety that I felt beforehand. We just spent the day together, talked, walked around, had lunch and dinner, and generally had a good time. I suppose it was kind of a "date", with us beginning to learn how to be with one another again. 

On the way back home, we both acknowledged that we both felt good about how well the day had gone. We even wished each other Happy Anniversary, even as we had determined weeks before that there would be nothing to celebrate. 

Things are still up in the air, but this was a good sign, at least.


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## Hijo (Sep 1, 2011)

tm84 said:


> An update on this: We went up to NYC yesterday and had a pretty good time together. I was still ready to bail in the days leading up to the trip, but I'm glad that I didn't. The day went really well, with little of the anxiety that I felt beforehand. We just spent the day together, talked, walked around, had lunch and dinner, and generally had a good time. I suppose it was kind of a "date", with us beginning to learn how to be with one another again.
> 
> On the way back home, we both acknowledged that we both felt good about how well the day had gone. We even wished each other Happy Anniversary, even as we had determined weeks before that there would be nothing to celebrate.
> 
> Things are still up in the air, but this was a good sign, at least.


That is great news. Keep on the path man! You can do this! Make sure she sees you making the effort to make things work. Reassure her that you are true to her.

I don't know if you saw this or not, but I read on another thread where a WW in the process of R would call her LH and if possible just talk with him about anything and everything trivial all the way home from work. When the LH asked why she did that she said that she wanted to make sure that he knew she was making an effort and that she was committed to that effort.

You might have dropped a bomb on your marriage with your EA, but you can heal the wounds with a thousand bandages of effort.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

Hijo said:


> That is great news. Keep on the path man! You can do this! Make sure she sees you making the effort to make things work. Reassure her that you are true to her.
> 
> I don't know if you saw this or not, but I read on another thread where a WW in the process of R would call her LH and if possible just talk with him about anything and everything trivial all the way home from work. When the LH asked why she did that she said that she wanted to make sure that he knew she was making an effort and that she was committed to that effort.
> 
> You might have dropped a bomb on your marriage with your EA, but you can heal the wounds with a thousand bandages of effort.


Hijo, thanks for your response. Yes, I did see that post and have been doing a similar thing, calling from work just to see how she's doing and if she needs anything, etc... I think that it's helping.


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