# Im confused and think paranoia killing me



## confused1 (Dec 2, 2008)

Hi all,

I am looking for advice and input from you guys on here.

I have been married for 8 years, with my wife for 9.5 years and I am worried I am losing my wife. Bit of a story but want to give you background.

8 years ago after we were married, we lost twins. My wife becaome close with a male friend at work, texting each other all the time etc. I couldnt handle it and long story short my wife finished the friendship. 

Fast forward to about 6 months ago. We now have 3 young kids, 6, 4, and 10 months, and my wife started martial arts classes. I knew she was enjoying it - it was an outlet for her as she is a stay at home mum, and proud of her. I also noticed she was being a bit more secretive with her phone over last 2 months, and about 3 weeks ago I was at work and had a sick feeling in my stomach. I rung her and asked where she was and she said one of her friends. I went immediately there and she wasnt there. When I got home I said I had been to her friends when she admitte she had gone to her Tae instructors for a cup of tea, but didint tell me as she knew I would be jealous and blow up - which is true.

Anyway, since this she has told me that they have become very close friends, but that is it. She texts him all the time, goes around to his house once or twice a week - all now with telling me and being open. He has been to our house, and is supposed to be coming again before christmas. My wife says that she loves me, wants to be with me and that I shoudlnt feel threatened, but that she wants to feel more than just a wife and mum, and to also have friends. 

I now find myself paranoid about it all, athough I know I love her to bits and trust her. Its reaching stupid point where I cannot think of anything else, and every single thing makes me stupid. Examples include me seeing her accidently deleting messages from her phone (came into room when she had back turned) and the first part of the sentance was 'and that why I want you.,....'. Yep I know, could have been anything. She also showed me a tattoo today with the word e n t w i n e d on it she is thinking about. I immediately thought it was to do with him, and she said a sentance - we are all entwined together'. Im pretty sure it was a word in a text from him as a week ago I caught her looking in a dictionary for the first time ever.

I have told her that I am trying to come to terms with this friendship, but she has never had a male friend before, and the intensity is frightening. I told her this in an email, and she said that I have just never had a friend like this, and that women are more intense with their friendships.

SO what do I do? I love her and our family to bits and dont want to lose her - I guess I have to let this all go and let her get on with it. I know I am smothering her a bit lately and she has said as much always telling her I love her etc. I just dont know what to do. I am also being treated for depression which isnt helping much.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

confused1 said:


> My wife says that she loves me, wants to be with me and that I shoudlnt feel threatened, but that she wants to feel more than just a wife and mum, and to also have friends.


She is telling you something very important here. She wants to be outside her box she finds herself in. She wants friendship, likely romance and attention. It is likely she is involved in an EA her. TOM is providing her with something she doesn’t feel like she is getting at home. You are correct don’t dote on her. Give her a little space and show her you love her in your actions not words. The “friendship” with TOM is out of bounds if she is hiding or being secretive about it. She knows it is wrong. You will likely need to spend time talking about that relationship and let her know how damaging it is to the marriage and hurtful to you. There is noting wrong with opposite sex friendships in a marriage but they must be within the boundaries. How are the other aspects of your marriage. Do you date, communicate well, enjoy each other’s company… ?


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## magicsunset08 (Oct 30, 2008)

If they are just frends there is no reason to have secrets. My feelings are....this is how affairs start. It is fine to have friends of the opposite sex, but not to where they secretly text and go over to each others house. My wife had a friend......that she ended up having sex with on several occasions over the course of a year. They were just frinds as she put it. I am sorry, I don't feel you can be married and have friends like that. It's a catch 22 for you. If you let it go..you are a pushover that she will no longer respect. If you confront her...you are the insecure jealous husband.. For me, I came to the point where I told my wife that if her friendship with the other guy was more important than how it makes me feel, then go ahead. I also asked her how she would feel if the tables were turned. ( this was before i knew they were having sex!) Good luck.


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## confused1 (Dec 2, 2008)

I have had a bad year, which has meant my wife has had a bad year. I had a motorbike accident that resulted in me being laid up just after the birth of our last son. Then I had to have another op. She also told me that I was spending too much time working on my bikes and not enough with the family. I told her I recognise this now. In terms of being open - she now texts him in front of me, asks if its OK to go around to his etc. I recognise that I need to be a bit of a better husband, but she is closed off to conversations. She tells me I am being paranoid, that he isnt a threat, but that they are just friends, albeit close ones. 

I have lost a lot of weight lately, gone off food etc. Her best friend said she talked to her and that my wife said she loves me and the family and wouldnt cheat on me.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

confused1 said:


> She also told me that I was spending too much time working on my bikes and not enough with the family. I told her I recognise this now......... I recognise that I need to be a bit of a better husband, but she is closed off to conversations.


Again, she's telling you something very important here. Show her your commitment with you actions, not words. She is not willing to communicate yet.


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## confused1 (Dec 2, 2008)

she keeps telling me that she just wants me to get back to normal - but to accept this friendship. I dont know how I can approach the friednship discussion wothout it seeming accusative.


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## confused1 (Dec 2, 2008)

So based on this input, is this the best idea?

1. WHen she gets home after martial arts tonight I will:
- Explain that I recognise that I havent been the most attnetive husband of late, that she is my world, and that I want to work with her together on this.
2. Ask her what she feels she gets from this friendship and if there is anything I can do to address this? Explain my fears because of where these things can lead and how it makes me feel.
3. Tell her I love her, and that moving forward I will put words into action, then shut up and get on with it.

Does this sound OK?


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I have multiple female friends not including my wife, I can hang out with them, go to a bar with them. My wife does not get jealous, nor does she have to be, I view these women like sisters/friends. (for the record I have 5 real sisters) I am very comfortable around women.

So she has introduced you to this man, and you have met him? Did you try and become friends with him? How does he treat you?

Do you have any friends that are couples? The women I am friends with, I am also friends with the husband and will hang out with them seperately as well.

Instead of cutting him off, I would try and bridge a friendship with him, maybe you and him can hang out. Is he married? maybe go out as couples? 

I take it your wife is very social, or wants to be, and you are not as social. She needs this outlet, she wants social friends, I imagine it is easier for her to talk to men as opposed to women, that happens sometimes.

Sometimes Jealousy is hard to break, it's about trust and communication.


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## confused1 (Dec 2, 2008)

Thanks Soccerman - its seemed as though everyone felt it was the start of an affair and it was on its way out.

I know because of the kids she has only a few female friends. She tells me that she used to have male friends before me, but that my jealously stopped her last female friendship.

Yes - I have met him. My wife wanted me to so he came around to our house. We got on. He told me he didnt want to come between our marriage. My wife is also inviting him around before christmas for a meal. He is single, and lives on his own. My wife says it is nice and quiet around there, but she thinks it is very lonely for him. Maybe this is both reasons why she wants to go around there. Since my discovering aout the friendship she has been open about it.

Part of me also says I cant think for a minute she would want me to meet him, invite him around, and wants him here for New year if behind the scenes something was going on surely?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

confused1 said:


> 1. WHen she gets home after martial arts tonight I will:
> - Explain that I recognise that I havent been the most attnetive husband of late, that she is my world, and that I want to work with her together on this.


I'm thinking part of the reason she enjoys this friendship is because it doesn't feel like work. Marriage is work especially with the rough year you've had, but at this point I don't think I'd talk about 'working with her' but rather acknowledge that you haven't been attentive and that is going to change as of now.


confused1 said:


> 2. Ask her what she feels she gets from this friendship and if there is anything I can do to address this? Explain my fears because of where these things can lead and how it makes me feel.


I think explaining your fears is a good idea. Not from the jealous me angle but maybe print off something on emotional affairs and just talk to her about it...does she feel her friendship has these signs? and that you are concerned that it may go in that direction if she is feeling things are missing from your marriage. Being understanding that she needs a social life and friends might be a better approach to keep the communication lines open. I also like GASOCCERMAN's idea to join them some time. 


confused1 said:


> 3. Tell her I love her, and that moving forward I will put words into action, then shut up and get on with it.
> Does this sound OK?


Love this part...she probably doesn't want to hear it...you just need to start doing it.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Confused1. I personally just think she wants him as a friend only. 

He just may be a lonely guy. I have a single male friend that is very lonely, he likes to socialized, he will talk to my wife when he calls our house and e-mail her as well. But again it's all open communication. Plus being lonely during the holidays is a bummer.

I think your wife would enjoy all of you to be friends, she knows your jealousy and does not want to hurt you, but to protect you, she hurts you, so being open and honest is always the best policy.

Jealousy is a inner demon, something only you can get over, or move on from.

You may need counseling for your jealousy, you must have had a cheating girlfriend at one time.

I ahd a girlfriend who was a nympho, found out she was sleeping around, friends included. 

It took me a long time to trust again, but I came across my wife and I was jealous in the beginning, But I sat down and really thought it out. Jealousy only does internal damage and relationship damage, it is no good for the soul. You have to get over it.

It took me a while and I got over it, now my wife wishes I would get jealous sometimes..

But I think your wife is a special person, she loves you dearly and has put up with your jealousy even causing some relationships to end, but she chose you to be with. You need to do the same, grow some and learn to be more trusting of your wife, not all people cheat or look to have relationships with others.

I enjoy people I am very social, sure I flirt with others so does my wife, BUt I am not going anywhere or will ever do anything behind her back. I know she will do the same for me.

beat the green moster that is jealousy, before it bats you.

I think the friendship will be ok, but get to know the guy and welcome him around, the more he is around you and your wife, the more you will be comfortable and so will your wife, as well as the guy. 

the best things in life are good friends, maybe you can add one to your life.

best of luck


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

GAsoccerman said:


> Confused1. I personally just think she wants him as a friend only.
> 
> He just may be a lonely guy. I have a single male friend that is very lonely, he likes to socialized, he will talk to my wife when he calls our house and e-mail her as well. But again it's all open communication. Plus being lonely during the holidays is a bummer.
> 
> ...


y'know, there's a lot of wisdom in this post. if you could bottle this, you could retire. a lot of people (myself included) could use this carved into there forehead!


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## confused1 (Dec 2, 2008)

Well it exploded last night. I did something awful - I logged into her card making account and found a card from her to him - on the cover it had a man and woman, and the words said - XXX(her) had come to bed eyes, and TOM had a T-Shirt - and on the front of tshirt it said shag. Inside it said, couldnt resist this one, happy birthday gorgeous.

I felt sick, physically and emotionally, so grabbed my keys and ran straight to the drug box, grabbed as many pills as I could then a bottle of whisky from a shop and headed to the coast to end it.

I had my mobile on and off getting texts from people, in the end her best friend called saying it was all a mistake, it was just meant as a flirty fun card to him and to come home. It took every ounce to do it but I did. I did send her an awful text saying how sh must feel proud after going behind my back with him, shaggin him etc. That was ****ty but at the time I was about to end it. I also changed my medication about 4 days ago for depression and I have been up and down like a yoyo.

We talked, and I cant say things are great, but after my wife went out for an hour she came back saying that she loves me, but is not 'In love' with me like I am with her, and values the marriage and family so isnt ready to give up on it yet. SHe has said this morning the card was a mistake and was a little fun. she said she would never risk her family.

Thing is Im in two minds. I have gone through hell with this friend situation and she has pushed it and pushed it regardless of how it has made me feel, I feel sick to the pit of my stomach when I look at those words on that card. What does love but not in love mean? I am prepared to try, but I dont know if it is a losing cause. I asked her what I meant to her and she said she loves me and wont give up on marriage. She is also still determined with this friendship from what I can tell. Any advice? After last night almost killing myself, I have realised I am a decent guy - not bad looking, loving, love my kids, and I shouldn't be a doormat. Thats how I feel.

Both emotionally drained today.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

I am so sorry for the evening you had. I am sure that was terrible to have happen and to find things that literally knock the wind out of you. I am also glad that you did not end your life. Your children need you and come hell or high water, you need to be there for them.
On a positive side, it is good that your wife and you talked. It sounds like she is committed to making some changes, but is not ready to give up her friendship. Are you both in counseling right now?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Your wife went out of bounds with the card, she was wrong and she knows it. This is an EA plain and simple. She will need to make a choice, her family or him. She cannot have it both ways, she is playing a dangerous game here.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Confused, get yourself some serious counseling...NOW.

You need help, Suicide is not the answer, never is.

Do you wish to HURT YOUR CHILDREN?? Your Parents? your family?? Becuase that all is suicide is doing, HURTING YOUR CHILDREN>

Totally unacceptable.

Yea the card was stupid, your wife should know better with your fragile state, I am sure the guy feels like dirt.

You really need to bridge a friendship.

Your wife is losing her love for you, due to your jealousy, she is feeling suffocated, no friends to socialize with can kill a relationship.

Get yourself some MUCH NEEDED help, go see a counselour before you go off the deepend again.

You both have damaged your marriage, keeping a beautiful bird caged up will only make the bird miserable and depressed.

You both have done that to your marriage. 

GET HELP NOW,


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## sunnygirl (Nov 23, 2008)

I know this is hard for you and I am very sorry about that, I truly am. 

Relationships get to bad places sometimes, usually it is the fault of both parties. We haven't heard her side of the story, so I want to reserve judgment. Your wife may have been going through her own depression, and rather than offing herself, she sought happiness elsewhere. I'm not condoning her behavior, because cheating is never an option. She should have spoken to you about her concerns about your relationship, threatened to leave if things were not changed, before finding love outside the home. 

You know, a similar thing happened in my relationship. I had felt neglected for years before I met someone who showered me with compliments and made my heart feel light again. My husband found out about our correspondences by hacking my email. There was a big fight, that led to some constructive conversations. Honestly, I had had these conversations for a solid year before with him, but he would not change. Somehow, this is what it took to make him sit up and finally do something about the problems in our marriage. He lost weight, starting hanging out with friends, and really started to be a pleasant person to be around. As much as I was upset he found the emails I was relieved that it was out in the open. 

This event in your marriage could either be a turning point in a good direction, or you could go your separate ways. Either way, it will be good for you and your children to change this situation.
Your kids love you unconditionally and their lives would forever be changed for the worse if you killed yourself. Find happiness in being their father. If you could only see life through their eyes, you would never have considered killing yourself. 

One last thing. Your ego has taken a BIG blow in all of this. I'm sure you see that this depression has effected your marriage, probably for a long time. At some point you have to get a handle on this, as your marriage will not stand a change if you don't. Try finding things outside your marriage that give you a sense of peace and happiness. This will come back into your relationships and create the same feeling in your home. Happiness is contagious...

I wish you all the best in the trying time.


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## confused1 (Dec 2, 2008)

Trust me, I am not proud of where I was last night. I hurt several of my friends, and I have apologised. Funny enough though, it took going through that to realise what nice guy I am, worth more than I have been thinking. Yes, I love my kids more than anything or anyone in the world, so I wont go there again - not for her. My mum tried suicide 4 times, and I know that pain. When you are there though, it doesnt enter your head - only when you are rational. As for counseling, yes I have some booked to deal with jealousy and low self esteem. I was always rock solid till we lost twins, and then I almost lost my wife. Since then I have never felt sure about anything - myself included.

I have realised that as much as I have struggled with this friendship, it has been far more than that. I have been happy for her to go to these classes, laugh about guys she meets there etc. That was fine. It has been this intensity, the secrets, lies, that card that have done me in. But no more. I am worth more than this - she has had it her way ever since we have been together, i want a child, I want a car, I, I, I. I love her, and wnat to be with her the rest of my life, but she needs to sort out in her head what she wants, then put the effort in as it cannot be onesided any longer. I can be a great dad, even if it ends up at weekends only. 

Funny thing is my wife says this guy doesnt even know about the card or any of her rows as she wants him to still be able to come around here and feel comfortable. FFS, what about how I feel???


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Confused, I can try and understand what you are going through, see my last post to "brenda" I just posted, it may apply to you as well. 

I have lost two brothers 1 to brain Cancer and 1 to a gunshot wound from his "best friend" in a bar fight.

both my parents are dead.

my wife had 3 miscarriages.

Life is a tussle constantly, you need to let go of your twins. Yes it is horrible, but they are gone, they are in a better place and you will meet them again some day when it is time.

let them feel you love from here, by being a good husband and dad, as you know life is short, you need to enjoy the little things.

Enjoy your children and your wife.

Yes she wants friends, if I were you I would work ont he relationship so you BOTH can be friends with this instructor, while she intriqued with him right jnow it will fade. But be part of it, become friends with the man.

Glad you have some great friends, use them, talk to them, ask them for help, no man can walk alone.

Glad you are geting professional help, depression is tough to knock, but you can beat it, with a little help from your friends.

Do it for YOU!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

confused1 said:


> Trust me, I am not proud of where I was last night. I hurt several of my friends, and I have apologised. Funny enough though, it took going through that to realise what nice guy I am, worth more than I have been thinking.


confused1,

Just over a year ago, I was at that same spot myself. I am so glad to hear you were able to fight what your mind had decided was the best solution. This is really a turning point for you and I too realized I am a nice person and my kids need me. 

It's difficult when you're feeling your spouse is not putting your feelings first and it's very easy to start to believe it must be you...that no one could possibly love you as deeply as you can love. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy in some sense because your actions that follow create distance that reinforces this feeling.

By taking a good, hard look at you and realizing that you are a nice guy, great dad you can now start living knowing that. It will give you a sense of power and control over your life and you will feel better and the side effect is that those around you will pick up on this...happy, confident people are attractive.

What helped me when I was at this point was to realize that I can only control myself. Sure, I can state my expectations of my marriage but I can't force my husband to meet them...that's for him to decide. I just think long and hard to be sure my expectations are reasonable (take care in making sure they aren't due to my own insecurites) and that they are there to foster a stronger marriage. 

I'll be honest, in your case I think the card crossed a major line of friendship and whether it was ever sent or not, in my opinion once the boundaries of friendship are crossed to keep the marriage strong means losing that friend. I went through a similar thing last year and although my husband still works with the woman, he does not have personal conversations with her anymore. Basically, if your wife is saying/doing anything with a man that she would not say/do with you standing next to her, she's crossing the line. Remember, you are a nice guy and great dad and if what you are asking of her is with the intention of keeping your marriage healthy and strong, there is nothing wrong in that.

I'm glad you have counseling appts set up. Always keep in the back of your mind that if you ever get the urge to end your life that you tell yourself something is off in your mind or with your meds and force yourself to back off and talk to someone.

I hope your realization of who you are and all the good you have to give take you to the best place in your life and marriage that you never thought possible...it's right there for you to grab now


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