# Wedding Reception Etiquette



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Since there is another thread going on here regarding weddings, it reminded me of a topic I heard on the radio a few weeks ago. The question was about Wedding Reception Etiquette, or more notably, how much do I have to give the Bride/Groom as a wedding present. The general consensus (keep in mind, this is in the NorthEast) is that you should at least give whatever the cost of the dinner plate is. If the Bride/Groom were particularly close family/friends, you should be willing to give more. 

As the conversation went on the station opened it up to callers as well. One person questioned what if the bride/groom decide to have the reception at a place that is very expensive, why should they be responsible for covering that when it wasn't their decision. A response to that was if the person felt like they couldn't afford the plate, then maybe they just don't go to the reception!

There appeared to be two main issues here. 1) You don't want the bride/groom to think less of you b/c you didn't give them enough and 2) covering the plate will help the bride/groom cover a good portion of the overall cost of their entire wedding, especially for those couples who are taking out debt to fund or deplete their savings :scratchhead:. 

If a couple wants to spend a little or a lot on a wedding, I have no issues with, entirely up to them. Do I think taking out debt and adding financial strain into the relationship right from the onset of the marriage is the best idea, probably not, but once again, to each their own. My issue, at least where I live, is the idea that the guests are supposed to help fund the wedding, that there is a suggested minimal amount you need to contribute in order to be part of the celebration or you are not holding up your part of the arrangement. Even worse is there are actually some people out there who would seemingly hold a grudge if they didn't get enough money from someone and/or suggest they shouldn't attend if they can't afford the "minimum". 

So with that, what are the norms that the TAM folks here see where they live? If I had to guess, by me the average plate at a wedding reception is well in excess of $200-$250...

Don't even get me started with Sweet 16s ... I already booked Chucky Cheese for my daughter in 13 yrs, I just need to make 13 annual installment payments of $20


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I think this is probably cultural to a very large extent. Until a few years ago when I heard about it from a woman complaining about it on an internet forum, I'd never heard of the custom of giving a monetary gift equaling the cost of the guest's dinner. It rings as a little off to me, but I understand that it's the accepted custom in some areas. 

Where I was raised, and still live, seated reception dinners are still not the norm, even for formal events. Sending local invitations is still rather a new custom. Until quite recently, a notice in the paper giving the date and time of the wedding and announcing that all family and friends were invited to attend, was the common practice. That's still done fairly often, with all but the most formal weddings. The understanding being that the bride's family, or the couple themselves, would only entertain their family and friends in a manner they could afford. Gifts of goods are much more common than cash gifts, and there is never any mention made of the cost of any of it. Wedding gifts tend to run in the $50-100 range, though many are much less. Many give nothing more than a lovely card, a small book, or some small memento. It would be considered exceptionally rude here to consider - or, heaven forbid, actually mention - the cost of the gift as an issue.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I've never heard of guests helping to pay for the reception. My daughter is getting married this November and her dad and I are paying for the entire wedding ceremony and reception. If this is a new trend, wish I'd heard about it earlier!! LOL!


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

karole said:


> I've never heard of guests helping to pay for the reception. My daughter is getting married this November and her dad and I are paying for the entire wedding ceremony and reception. If this is a new trend, wish I'd heard about it earlier!! LOL!


Lol, I don't know if it is a new trend as it appears to be more specific to my region where I live. 

Here is an article discussing the topic. I will quote a few lines that i think fall in perfectly with what I see:



> “I hate to use the word ‘greedy,’ but people have become so concerned with money and the size of a gift and a measurement of the value of the cost of the wedding, and that makes me sad,” said Nancy Mitchell of the Etiquette Advocate, a Washington-based etiquette-consulting firm.





> “I find it really sad when a bride or groom looks at a gift and says ‘That doesn’t equal the cost of the plate at my wedding,’” she said. “A lot of people say that is a standard way to calculate a gift, but it’s not. It’s not tradition and it’s not universal. People should give according to their relationship and their means.”





> The standard for a straight-out cash gift in Denver is $50 to $100, said Cydney Johnson, a wedding planner in that city, although family members will give from $250 to $500. “And if someone is a transplant and the *family is from the East Coast, the number goes up*,” she said.


Wedding Gift Cash Grab. What?s Too Little? What?s Too Much? - The New York Times


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Not that I go to too many weddings but I think the parents generally pay. Most couple do register for actual gifts. But I tend to give cash and usually the thank you will mention that it will help with the down payment on their first house.


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

I think it also depends on the cultural background too. For example Pacific Islanders entire family contribute money to pay the wedding for the couple but the family would also expect a place in the party, it's a big party. Where as some Europeans backgrounds the norm is about $100 AUD from each guest as a gift ,but the amount is not compulsory. The closer the family the more one gives. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I think the whole thing is tacky. I hate bridal registries too. People should be appreciative that guests have come to share their special day, and grateful for whatever they receive.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Well, I live in California - the land of the tacky, gauche and just plain vulgar. Bridal registries are the main cash grabbers in my neck of the woods (San Diego). In the mid-80's, we attended the wedding of my husband's boss' daughter. The cheapest (er, least expensive) item on the registry was every day dishes. One place setting was $80. Which was pretty much unheard of for every day dishes. Some co-workers didn't get the message - they gifted kitchen linens and the like. Rumors were the bride practically had an apoplectic fit upon opening.

Nowadays, I write a check for $100 for friends and $500 - $1000 for family.

How are guests supposed to know how much their rubber chicken is going to cost the host?


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

The last wedding I went to I wasn't sure what the norm was for a gift so I just asked the bride's mom and she told me. She said $50-100 was average, so I spent $100 which is pretty reasonable for an evening out with a meal, drinks, and dancing.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

I've heard that you're supposed to gift the cost of the reception dinner, as well. I don't really take that into consideration though since most of the time I have the card & cash ready before the wedding. I guess if I waited, it'd feel like I was giving cash based on the how good the meal was. 

The closer I am to the bride and/or groom, the more I gift.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Where my aunt lives there used to live a fairly well known boy band member.Him and his girlfriend were getting married and they put it on all the invitations that no presents were required but if people wanted to they could donate to the local hospice.After the wedding the manager of the hospice was asked how much had been donated by the said he didn't want to comment.A freedom of information request followed( the hospice was a registered charity)and it was revealed that only two hundred pounds had been donated.The guests at this wedding were all show business personalities and some footballers and were wealthy.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

In my culture, wedding gifts are at a minimum the cost of dinner. It goes beyond that, you are also supposed to match gifts. So if someone gave you say $300, then you need to give them $300 when it's their turn (or in the case that they are already married, their kids). 

I really didn't care about gifts when it came to our wedding though. We paid for the wedding ourselves and did not expect anything. My H's family aren't too well off and also not of my culture either. I couldn't care less what they brought to the wedding, I just wanted them to have fun. Most guests on my H's side didn't bring anything but a card, some brought small gifts. On my side, we got enough to cover about 1/2 the entire wedding cost. Everyone had a good time though, so that's what mattered to us.

I also think registries are super tacky, so I didn't have any. 

The way I see it, the couple are grown adults that are choosing to be married. They should be inviting people to celebrate with them, not fund their party or anything else. If they can't afford it on their own, then they need to tone it down or they aren't ready to be married. Gifts are just extra.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Constable Odo and I explicitly said no gifts in our invitations, then set up a charity donation each for a cause we were in support of, and made it an optional way of giving. 

I think registries are more for a young couple that are planning on buying a new home and/or maybe have one on the way. When I was married the first time, I had very few of my own things. The second time around, Odo and I already had a house full of junk, we didn't need any more junk!


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

We've been to extravagant country club weddings and backyard BBQ weddings. The location never factored into how much we give for a gift.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I personally like the gift registries. Takes the guess work out of buying a gift. Most people I have bought for have picked out things of varying price ranges. I like to buy couples gifts they want and/or need and gift registries eliminate the guess work. I've never thought of them as tacky. If you don't want to buy a gift, then don't buy one.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Culture and life stage factor. A few years ago, we went to a colleague's wedding where cash was placed in a red envelope for the bride and groom. In the words of the bride, it was all about pomp and perception. We figured $100 sounded about right. She was struggling to pay her wedding dress and was in tears at work so those of us going rounded up our funds and gave it to her ahead of time so she could get her dress.

Other weddings have had gift registries or put money towards a specific want (like a trip). It depends how close we are to the couple. Around $100-$200 generally. A close friend asked me to do the flowers for their wedding and wanted/intended to pay me rather than a professional florist. The wholesale cost of the flowers, mostly roses, was around $300. She didn't get to know this as we decided to gift it to her/them which we told them afterwards as we didn't want them holding back with what they wanted. The real value was in the time; ordering and collecting stock, wiring all the roses, working into the night (until 3am with hubs making me cups of tea to keep me going ha ha), then getting to the venue early to set up. The joy on her face upon seeing the flowers was so very special. What an honor that was!


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## RubyRing (Jun 13, 2016)

I am getting married (again) in February. I am inviting friends and family to share in our celebration, not to "refund" the cost of a party that we are choosing to have. I refuse to register for gifts, and I refuse to breathe one word to anyone about expecting cash.

Many of my fiances' friends and family are flying in from out of town, which means they are incurring plane fare, hotel fees, and in some cases, lost time at work. Their "presence" means more to me than "presents". I figure if they can part with 100's of dollars to celebrate with us, the least we can do is feed them.

Our wedding is not a tacky way to win cash and prizes. It's a celebration of our love for each other.

Also, we are both in our 60's, so we have more than enough crap. In fact, I am putting my house on the market, and am de-cluttering as I type. Will have a garage sale next month and unload some stuff, hoping to make between $500 to $1,000.

We joke that we are going to have a "reverse registry". We will make a list of all the extraneous items we have left after the garage sale, and all of the guests will register to take at least one item off our hands. LOL !


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## madelinepeasley (Jun 24, 2017)

I'm planning to get married in a couple of months, me and my boyfriend are very much excited for the day and looking for location we can marry. My friend selected wedding venue with The Addison as she wanted to get married in her home town where all her relatives can attend the ceremony. As we both are from different town we are looking for good wedding location, can anybody suggest us place for beach wedding.


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