# Mind games, false accusations, threatened divorce



## qtrhorsegal (Sep 25, 2011)

Okay, I figured what is ther to lose by posting...
First my case is a bit different. I am a 37 yr old mother of three who met and fell in love with a wonderful man a year ago. He worked on the rail road until April. It was terribly hard on us as a couple as it is most rr workers (very high divorce rate). In Dec a guy who i have been friends with for over 5 yrs and done a lot of school 4-H work with sent me a "sext message" in the middle of the night one night (when my now husband was in on rotation home), I have a feeling he'd been drinking... but who knows. I did not reply. I will sway that the previous Summer me and this man exchanged some Adult rated messages, never any pics, just talk... as we were both lonely, and SINGLE! But as someone who I work with on a professional basis, there was never more and this was just a couple of occasions. Three i think. Anyway... needless to say my Husband found the txt... I wasn't hiding it... and immediately started accusing me of cheating on him. When he returned to the RR he joined dating sites and started talking to women on them. I did not find this out until March. He never met any of them in person. Once I found out, needless to say I was hurt and threw him out. He really realized what he had done, and what he was about to lose, and we did work things out. Though the accusations of me "wanting" this other man never stopped. My husband is constantly telling me that "he is not who I want" even though I do EVERYthing in my power to make him feel loved and appreciated and secure. I have completely cut off all ties with all of my friends who are male. He is terribly threatened by my ex husband who I had been able to remain (innocent)friends with... but now I try not to speak to him unless about my son. I had remained close to my exs parents who were more of a family to me than my own... also cut ties with them. I feel I have made huge efforts to ease his suspicions though it isnot working. Okay back on track... In June we did split up, another huge fight led me to once again ask him to leave. He did... and within 3 weeks he was living with another woman who he had just met. I was still very very much in love with this man. I wanted him back, my kids missed him. So I tried to reconcile with him and fought to get him back. He played both ends of the fiddle... telling me he wanted to come back, but remaining with her telling her he didn't. It all caught up to him when somehow she intercepted some texts from him to me and she kicked him out. He immediately came back to me... and has been "home" since. We even went through with our plans for marriage and have been married since 8-9-11. NOW our problems are HIS lack of trust in ME. He constantly is telling me I want other men, still has huge jealousy over my sons 4-H director, exes, even went through my emails from years ago and somehow dug up some archived letters between me and a boyfriend at the time and is jealous over that! I don't dare look at or speak to other men when in public... because I would be accused of wanting them! I do love this man... but he has some major insecurity issues and trust problems. He has refused counceling... now just wants a divorce. EVERY time we fight he is "leaving" somedays everything will be fine and then I see the pout coming on and the solem attitude and "he is leaving" because "i could do better". I am so frustrated. After writing this... even to me it seems hopeless. I don't want another divorce. I want us to work our problems out. I have told him this... but Im tired of the mind games too! Anyone have ANY suggestions???


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Welcome to the TAM forum, Gal. One possibility is that your H suffers from strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I say "possibility" because, although the inability to trust is a hallmark of such traits, you mention nothing of the other 8 BPD traits. I nonetheless believe it may be worth your while to read my description of those traits in Berilo's thread. My posts there start at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/29373-distressed-3.html#post391827. Another description is available in my posts on Blacksmith's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-complicated-marriage-dynamic.html#post358403. 

If the traits described in those discussions ring a bell, Gal, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Like you, I married a very jealous person. I ended up divorcing her after 15 years because of her strong BPD traits. BPDers have a great fear of abandonment because they are unable to trust their partners. My advice is to read a little about such traits to see if they sound familiar. In any event, it would be prudent to visit a clinical psychologist -- for at least a session or two on your own -- to get a professional opinion as to what you are dealing with. Take care, Gal.


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