# More than one can handle



## Code (Jan 30, 2011)

8 days ago my conception of my relationship with my wife was destroyed. She stated that she has fallen out of love with me. We have been married for 15 years with 4 children, many trials a death of son being the hardest. She has made up her mind that the relationship is over. She has never told me she was sexually abused till the "bomb" she states that a brother did things to her, " I was the Knight in Shinning Armor and took her away from her troubles, and she would do anything to keep me. About 3 years into marriage she started to deny me sex, I would be frustrated I would tickle her.. then I would tickle her to the point she would cry. About 5-6 months of this, I understood what I was doing and stopped. She states that the abuse of her childhood and my abuse shortly after makes her not be able to have the smallest inclination of having sex with me ever again. She says she loves me, and says its not fair to me. She says she will talk to a therapist but in her heart she knows its over. After the death of our son she was very hard to comfort I failed I pushed myself away from her, I started CPU gaming and zoned out. The gaming became an escape and an addiction. She is holding a lot of anger that I did not comfort after our sons death and that I neglected her after. It took the "bomb" to grasp the reality of my problems. I have hence took actions to stop the addictions, the desire for the addiction is gone. Im not sure what I hope to accomplish in this post, Im praying for hope. I have loved my wife unconditionally our entire marriage, we have grown together had so many great experiences. I just want her to want to get better. She is angry and hurt, and I don't blame her. We have talked cry'd for 7 days, no sleep and that terrible hole in my stomach. She is digging up every little detail and wrongs that I have done, most which I was not aware I was doing. Most likely before our sons death she started to be mean, sharp, unappreciative of things I do to make her happy. I had to do multiple things to get her to give me affection. I accepted it, I knew every marriage has it problems. I still love her uncontrolably. The question can a psychologist fix this ?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I'm really sorry you have been enduring so much suffering. There is a lot of ground covered in your post. Everything gets so overwhelming, doesn't it? I've been in that valley for the past five years. The one thing I have found which helps is turning to God. Among other things, I always ask God for strength to get through each passing day. This may be something to try. 

Seeing a therapist is a very good idea at this point. Go alone, but leave the door open for your wife to join you. She really should see a counselor for her issues. 

You may also find reading marriage and self-help books to be useful at this point.

Hang in there and face one day at a time.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

827 is correct there is alot out there that you can start reading that will help you. It sounds like you are off to a good start by staying away from the addiction. Your wife may or may not noticed so don't do it for her. Better your self for your self, once you get your self out of this funk then you can worry about her.

She just seem so hurt and in pain that you have lost the control you thought you once had. So look after your self, get to the gym, and sleep.

I know its hard and I too have cried with my wife, but it just not attractive, if any thing show her some confidence that no matter what it will all work out. I to was at my weakest but I had to pull my self up. Once my wife saw that I was going to be ok she saw no reason why she couldnt be ok.

Please get help for your self then you can help others. Good luck it can be such a balancing act between supporting your spouse versus getting pulled down with them.


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## Code (Jan 30, 2011)

Thank you for your input I have never been one to do forums and such. I started going to the gym after she dropped the news.. I knew I was in a depression. Sleep I still have trouble with. Yesterday I manned up and told her I was not going to let her leave and I thought I got threw to her, then later that night she was able to bring me back down.. Your reminder Helps I need to stay focused and prove to her as you said that I can get myself better. There is also a big detail I left out.. She had a Mini-Gastric bypass lost 140lb's.. She came to her conclusion just as she dropped to her lowest weight. I think that she always thought that she was not happy related to her weight, now that the weight is gone, she states she new it had to be something else. I know Most people's instinict is telling them that she dropped the weight, built a self-confidence and is looking at greener pastures. My gut tells me that is not the case. I will look into some books thanks again for you advise.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

As I said above, your wife really needs counseling. The weight /self-esteem issue clearly point to a bigger problem. She is "hunting" for something missing in her life. That's why I thought you could go to counseling ahead of her--and clear the path so to speak. She may be more apt to follow than be dragged.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

WOW WAIT she just lost alot of wieght, wants to leave the stablity and security of her long marriage, she's rewriting history?
Hum, greener pastures is not that far off in my opinion. 
Are ther any other red flags? Before I say what I want to say?


Aug- help me out her


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I'll be gentle. Your wife is hunting for "something" missing in her life. Yes, she is looking for greener pastures. Due to past issues it will be only an illusion though. Your wife is in emotional pain and she is looking for an escape from her current pasture. Is there anyone else in the picture?


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## Code (Jan 30, 2011)

I don't believe there is another. We have talked for hours mostly in calm fashion. I spoke with her best friend who she confined most of what she told me. The friend felt that she never gave an indication there was another. She states she will do therapy. Im thinking we probably need couple and single. And I agree with the post suggesting I need counseling on how to treat one that has been abused. I honestly think it would be easier if she cheated on me.. This is going to be a very long road. The shock of the world flipping might be minor compared to what is come.. part of me wonders if she is playing it up.. But if those thoughts are wrong what a piece of **** I would be. I appreciate the input though it helps to to write and hear any input.


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