# Lies and nothing but!



## Jaybad26 (Apr 16, 2013)

Hello my name is Jay. Recently my wife and I separated. Let me start from the beginning. My wife is 4 and a half years younger than me. I am 26 she is 22. Yes I know she is young but I was 23 when we got married. Everything was fine for the first year and a half. Then things started to change. I caught her texting men a few times and sometimes she would leave the house to get something to eat and she would be gone longer than need be. I found out about alot of the texting last summer and I was upset. But we worked through it I mean I took a vow. I thought that was it.

Well last week I saw her skyping with an old friend of mine. He had been locked up in prison for the past year for drunk driving and aiming a rifle at a police officer. She told me her friend was letting him stay with her. This friend I cannot stand. She is 30 years old and has had 5 kids. She lost 4 to DHS for child neglect and recently had a newborn last year. She lives with her parents and does not work. She lies and is two faced, she loves drama because her life has no meaning so she has to shake everyone else up. Back to this other man. Last week my wife was supposed to wait for me to come pick her up from work. I was running late at my job so I called her and told her to find a ride up to my job and I will give her the car keys.

She sends my friend nick a text (she had my cell) and tells him shes going to this friends house where that guy lives. This threw up red flags because she hadnt talked to this friend in months. Plus the weather was horrible outside and this friend of hers lived 40 miles away in a different county. I called her and I asked her to reschedule. She got real offensive and pretty much told me she was set and I couldnt change her mind. So I continue to work and I eventually get off work. I made an agreement with her that if her friend meets me half way at a walmart that I will come get her. So I go to the walmart and wal around. 45 minutes go by and I still havent seen them. So I call and she tells me the baby threw up on her clothes and they are in the wash. So I drive up there to get her. I am already upset because it was out of my way and my car needed to be put in a shop for engine troubles.

She comes out to the car and sits with me. Her attitude is really sour and she starts telling me im a control freak and pretty much a POS. This makes me feel like crap so I ask her to let me sit in the car for a minute to soak it all in. 20 minutes later her friends sister comes out to the car and tells me that my wife thinks I should go to her husbands house and talk to him. I refuse and I go inside and find my wife crying in one of the bedrooms. I was confused because we has just had a in depth conversation and I didnt yell at her or say anything hurtful. I try and calm her down and all she can say is "I need to think" over and over. It took me over an hour to get her to come back home with me. Things were okay as soon as we left. We went home got dinner and hung out with family.

The next day to avoid her being stuck at her job I let her drop me off at a friends house. The day was normal except whenever I called my wife she wouldnt answer or it took a few calls to get ahold of her. That evening on the way home when she came and picked me up she was real apologetic about he day before and I though things were finally back to normal. We went home and I offered to cook while she messed around on the xbox. Her birthday was that coming saturday and I told her I would take her back to her friends for the day. Then I remembered that I had planned on getting the car fixed so I kindly asked her if we could squeeze that into the weekend plans. And like a switch was flipped she went into rage mode. It knocked me off guard. She accused me of trying to ruin her birthday and her plans. I kept telling her the plans wouldnt be canceled and she kept coming up with reasons to fight about it. I tried to remain calm and she kept pushing me over and over in my face yelling and calling me names so finally I blew up and yelled back.

She told me she needed some time apart from me. I refused and told her we need to talk about whats been going on the past week or so and why she had changed so much. She packed a small bag and I kept begging her to stay and talk with me just for an hour then she could leave. She got really voilent and tried shoving me out from infront of the door. She then grabbed her hair straightner and bashed me in the face with it. I then told her maybe she should leave. I followed her up the block because she refused to let me help her. I asked her to comeback and pack more stuff and she refused she just kept walking. I followed her half way up the street and stopped on the corner. I told her I wouldnt go any further. She didnt even bat an eye she just kept walking up the street to meet her friend at a gas station. I yelled to her that I loved her and wanted her to come back but she didnt even turn and look back she just vanished into the night.

She said she would be back the next day but never did. I found out from friends and family that she changed her relationship status on facebook and deleted all my pictures. I put 3 hard years into this marriage. I took us from no house no car and living with a friend to having our own house and car and means to live. She went unemployed for almost a year and I kept us afloat and worked my feet to the bone and keep her confortable. I dont know what I did wrong. Its been 5 days and she hasnt called or emailed. I took all my money out of our joint bank account"she didnt know how to save money so none of it was hers" Then i closed the account and opened one up of my own. She quit her job and lives with this guy, her friend and her parents in a 2 bedroom house. She left her whole stable life behind for that life.

Then last night I find out shes telling everyone I beat her and emotionally abused her. I never did any of that I told her she was beautiful every single day. I only got upset when she was bad with money or wouldnt help me clean (I always did most the cleaning she didnt like to) She was a great person but right now I dont even know her. She gave up so easily and is up there lieing about me to people making me look like a monster. I just want answers. Why was it so easy to give up on our life? Why is she making up horrible lies about me to people i know? Is she trying to justify her actions for leaving the way she did? Trying to assure her friends and self that she left for a good reason even though its a lie? I know shes immature but I had plenty of reason to give up on this marriage before and I never did. Why was it so easy for her?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Jay,

The answer seems very obvious to me. Your wife has been involved in a number of affairs. Texting all those men were at the very least emotional affairs. Her long, unexplained absences from the house when she "went out for food" were more than likely meetings with some or all of these guys and there's a good chance it went physical with some or all.

It also sounds like it was physical with your ex-con friend too. Think about it. Terrible storm and yet she still wanted to go there, they leave you hanging at Walmart without so much as a call, she refers to you as a "control freak" (pretty standard jargon for cheaters), she wanted "time apart" (standard move for cheaters to try out their affair partner without the spouse getting in the way), and now she's justifying her behavior by re-writing the marital history by saying you abused her.

You need to do the following:

-Get tested for STDs NOW
-Look up the 180 in the Coping With Infidelity section and implement it today
-Get access to your cell phone account on line and check her text/call history. Look for lots of calls/texts to 1 or 2 number you don't know
-Contact a lawyer and get a free consultation on divorce so you'll know what your rights are
-If you can gather hard evidence of her affair from any of her email accounts or facebook (if you know her passwords) make copies of it and then expose her to her family and friends
-Last, go to the Infidelity section and READ. You'll get great advice there

Sorry you find yourself in this place


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I do have a couple of things that I think that you should consider. You seem to have more of a parent-child relationship, than a husband-wife relationship and therefore she feels she is being controlled. She seems to be acting more like a rebelling teenager than an adult woman. As you know the only thing you can actually control is you and your actions. 

I have a suspicion that she may have already slept with this man and therefore was ashamed to tell you when you went to pick her up and has been convinced by this group of bad seeds to continue down this path. 

I think that you need to take some actions to safeguard yourself. 

1. If you money goes into a joint account. Start a new back account and move funds to this account to allow you to pay the bills. 
2. Cancel any joint credit cards, so joint money is now separated. You can open your own cards and she can do the same. 
3. Consult with an attorney and see what are your legal rights and divorce if necessary.
4. The last part is the hardest. Don't call, email, text her for the next 30 days. Gather any information that you can on her, but I would imagine that she is in the fog of an affair. A honeymoon phase, if you will.

Hopefully, she will wonder why you aren't calling begging her and want to reconcile. Be prepared as that may not happen. For her to return to the marital home, she will have to do so on a couple of conditions.

1. Cut all contact with the other man and these toxic friends, they are not friends of your relationship.
2. Start counselling and see if you can salvage the marriage. 
3. You have to learn to do things as a couple and not girls night out, guys night out, where they pretend to be single.

This is going to be tough and you may decide that this relationship cannot be saved, so there are things you can do for you, regardless if she returns or not.

1. Physical exercise will help to relieve the stress and make you a more healthy person.
2. Look at the relationship and those things that you could have done better. Possibly counselling or books to assist you.
3. Involve yourself in an existing hobby you may have abandoned or start a new one. This will allow you to meet new people and make you a more interesting person, regardless if she stays or goes.


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## Jaybad26 (Apr 16, 2013)

Thank you for your replies. Sorry I didnt respond. I had to work shortly after I posted this. I spoke with her dad when I went to drop the rest of her stuff off at his house. He said he has hardly heard anything from her. He told her that we are married and need to work this out. He said after they said that she cut contact with them. I told him 100 times that I never hurt her in any way and that I didnt want it to end this way. He said she will regret this and that she made a horrible mistake. 

I changed my locks and put my name on all the bills and took her name off. A part of me still hopes for the best. Being alone in this house we got together sucks bad. I feel like there is a 100 pound weight hanging off my heart. She still has yet to contact me at all. Was I a bad husband? I know i could get upset at her sometimes but I thought all married couples fight. I feel like I have lost a loved one. If she has been cheating alot then It hurts even more. When she tried to join the army I wrote her a letter every single day for 2 and a half months. I stuck by her side and remained faithful. She got injured and came home and I didnt put her down for it. I told her she was my everything and encouraged her every day to do better for herself. I gave up college to help support her. Am I being punished for something? Did I make her unhappy? I loved her so much and she has done so much damage that I dont think taking her back is an option anymore.

I feel lost. I put on a fake smile every single day but I feel this sadness welling up inside me. This is different then my past relationships. Things were fine a week ago and in a metter of 24 hours it all got flipped upside down. I dont know what to think anymore. I am shocked!


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Hang in there partner, everything you are going through is perfectly normal for this situation, unpleasant, but normal. You are in the grieving process, no different then when you lose a family member, you are grieving the death of your marriage. She is in a fog and is only interested in feeding her own selfish desires. DO NOT call, email or text her, she has to come to you. I know you want to plead, beg or even reason with her, but it will not do you any good and usually just drives them farther away. She has to want to come to you.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Jay,

You're normal. A part of your life has been torn away with no warning. This will pass but will take a good bit of time.

As VFW noted, you need to go completely dark on her. No contact unless absolutely necessary to dissolve the marriage and work out the financial issues.

In the meantime, start doing things for YOU. Be sure to eat and drink plenty of water. You may also want to see your Dr about some meds to get you through this very stressful period in your life.

After that, start the 180. Start working out, eating right and fixing yourself up with a new haircut and some new clothes.

Go back to school and enroll yourself for a summer course or two. Make yourself a better person and let her see what she gave up

Hang in there!


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Jay,

I'm sorry you are here and sorry to tell you that it all sounds like she is cheating on you...and has been for quite a while. You have only been married to her for *3 years*!!! And during most of it she has had EA's and now PA's. She isn't long-term marriage material, at least not now and not for you. 

Work the 180, go dark and find a lawyer. You're still young. Plenty of time to find a better woman that isn't so selfish and actually cares about you. 

What state do you live in? Because as far evidence goes, you may need to start collecting some to protect yourself financially so you don't wind up having to support her cheating a$$.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Jay, I know this is difficult. All of us have been through something similar and we know. It hurts. A lot.

But you *will *get through this and you will be a stronger person on the other side.


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## Jaybad26 (Apr 16, 2013)

Thanks guys. I cant afford a high price lawyer. We dont own very many assets. I put my car in my dads name just incase stuff like this went down. So thats out. I rent the house and its month to month and I have known the landlord since i was 14 so she wont get the house. We have no kids. It should be an easy cheap divorce. If she contests anything she will have to pay 2000 plus dollars to get it done. I am trying to beat her to fileing any papers. I have the money to do it just have to wait on some info in the mail from the guy who is putting the papers together for me.

She has no job and no money and is living with a friend right now. this other guy doesnt work so unless someone gives her 185 to file and 50 for a process server there is no way she can file first. I pray I can get this rolling quicker then she can. Today I was told shes telling our close friends that the night she left I hit her. Why the hell is she stirring up all this crap? Shes like a different person right now. I cant figure it out. She also told them that she is getting papers started right now and that shes going to get a court order to get her stuff out of my house. I already dropped off her stuff at her dads house yesterday. What the hell does she want from me? Is she saying all this to my friends because she knows it will get back to me and it will spook me up or what?


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Jaybad26 said:


> Today I was told shes telling our close friends that the night she left I hit her. Why the hell is she stirring up all this crap?


Simple, if she doesn't blame you then she would have to take responsibility herself. Don't sweat the petty things....or is that don't pet sweaty things....both are sound advice.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Jay,

VFW got it right. She's trying to justify what she's done to you. She pretty much following the cheater's playbook chapter and verse.

Again, if you can find anything out like that she's been send 1000s of texts to this guy for the last X months, you can tell your friends that. Or you can just take the high road, get the divorce done and never look back. 

It's a good thing you discovered the real her before kids became part of the equation.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's called "rewriting marital history." It's pretty common, unfortunately. And sometimes the other person convinces themselves it's the truth.

Yes, you need to end it as soon as you possibly can. You are fortunate that you are young, without children, and can move on quickly. Don't look back.


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