# something's not right here



## Pennington725 (Dec 15, 2017)

*something's not right*

Hello, I'm new to this and desperate to reach out for help. 

Ok so I'm gonna go into a little history first and try to answer questions I might would ask.

I've known my wife for 5 years and been married 3 years and 4 months. We have a 4yo son together. I am 39 and she is 25. In the beginning she was very wishy washy so before she became pregnant she broke my heart several times. After she became pregnant she started to want to be with me again. 

I wasn't sure but I was only spending time with her and having sex with her but wouldn't commit. She ended up having sex with an old abusive boyfriend twice during the first few months of her pregnancy. 

She became very I'll with preeclampsia and was hospitalized a couple of time in which twice I did stay the night with her. Fast forward to my son's birth, my grandfather was dying and had just passed away and my family was unaware of my new son. I was not invited to his birth but I did come and see them.

1 month later I told my family and apologize for my issues and picked our relationship up. I was there when my son had skull surgery at 3 months and was there later when she had surgery. We get married and start our life together. She's younger and at the time very unpredictable and flakey on issues, unable to fully think things through. Our marriage becomes rough. I had an emotional affair with a woman who lived 1500 miles away july-august 2016 which she found out on my birthday and left me.

I broke it off and dedicated myself to watering my own lawn. I spent my time trying to win her back. She was only gone a month but it was too long. During the time she had 1 drunken bar outing with friends where a friend of her friend was asking her to come home with him to celebrate her upcoming divorce. She claims she refused, got too drunk and requested a ride home to my house.

Her friends tried to talk her out but eventually gave in. I took care of her. Eventually we reconnected and she came home. October an old guy friend hits her up on Facebook and they start talking. He starts flirting with my wife and I expose it to her. She changes the passcode on her phone. In anger of my jelous behavior I overheard her talking about having a girls night and inviting him. I also over hear her girlfriend say 2 wrongs don't make a right and she's not comfortable going out in this situation. 

She comes to her senses tells me about it and we move on. November we both find out I have a son from my past. His mom claims she told me and text me when she was pregnant over 10 years ago and not only that but she claims I had the same cell number at the time. Again, she leaves me. With her already outstanding trust issues she can't believe I'm telling the truth so I get proof including my ex wife to admit that my number was not the same. She comes home again shortly before Christmas. This year has been good. I've been committed and fully love my spouse. I've worked very hard and we've had minimal arguments. 

She was accepted into nursing school this fall semester and I've supported her as best I know how. During the beginning of school our son started having violent outburst in school and as a father I disagreed in denial that there was anything wrong with him. We are great loving parents who don't actually spoil that often cause we can't afford to. Eventually I jump on board and agree with her. School gets harder and more stressful and she changes. She starts going to lunch to actual restaurants with her single school friends and I become hurt cause in 2 weeks she had already had went out with her friends more than we had dates all year. 

Also 1 of these school single friends is a guy, we'll call him J. The week before Thanksgiving we talk and she's telling me that she's about to start having girls night with her school friends. I asked if I could tag along on any of these but the reply was that she wants to keep school and home life separate. I ask about J attendance. She said I'm not gonna lie, he'd probably go. I told her I was uncomfortable with that situation. Then I asked a big question, has there been any flirty interaction with you 2. She said the previous day, at lunch that he was getting very personal with her and was flirting. (You wanna come read to me or you want to come live with me)

She claims she responded with my husband might disapprove of that. She said later that day he text her with an apology and he didn't mean anything by it. A few days later I ask her if she had deleted any text messages and she said no and I confront her that I read no interaction or apology for flirting in her texts with J. She admitted to the deleted texts and said she just didn't want me suspicious cause there's absolutely nothing there between them. When I asked what their deleted texts said her answer was very undetailed and vague. (I didn't mean anything....it's ok, I'm not studying that crap) I can't shake off how different she's acting. Showing hard signs of an affair. Dressing up in date night best clothes for school, fixing her hair and makeup for school. A couple times she went to school without underwear which I thought was odd. 

Taking an extra set of clothes in her car. An insatiable urge to lose weight and work out suddenly. Long 3 hour lunch breaks. Staying at school to study till 530 but i later find out the building closes at 430-5. Then she downloads Snapchat and I can no longer see what's being sent back and forth. We've had talks throughout all this and she claims my insecurities have stressed and messed with her school. Her life. She's went numb and doesn't feel anything. She says her only advice is to leave her alone. She says she wants to feel different but isnt. She says she feels the same as I do, LONELY. She says I've yet to support her. I feel different on that. 

I work a 40 hour week, pick up our son almost every day, I pick my daughter up every day, I wash dishes, clothes, vacuum, pick up, I bought her a nice watch she needed for clinicals, when her blood pressure cuff broke I bought her a new one, I'm constantly telling her how smart and beautiful she is and you've got this, I make sure our some is fed, bathed and in bed by 7. As far as studying she could have done better. She likes to nap. I never say anything negative of her studies and I'm constantly asking if there's anything I can do to help. I got very sick the week after Thanksgiving and was severely dehydrated and had blood poisoning where I was out a week from work. I'm running high fevers, vomiting, passing out and still had to take myself to the Dr cause she wanted to take a nap. Yes I was a bit of a baby that week. I made the statement that I did want her to pass nursing school but there was a selfish side of me that missed her. She took that as me sabotage her life. 

Any advice on what I need to do? If she fails she's already told me she's gonna be very upset and partially blame me for it since I never support her. She's said it may take some time for her to get over this....a week, a year, she doesn't know. She's said she's not going anywhere or leaving again. She says she loves me but doesn't like me.

Currently she's not touching me, we're not having sex, she can guarantee that she will not cheat on me, we can talk like friends, she doesn't want to hang out or spend any quality time.

What do I do?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

*Re: something's not right*

You both cheat on each other. She is cheating now. Just get a divorce. You might want to DNA your kids.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

*Re: she doesn't like me*

A lot of red flags. Sounds like she is cheating on you.

1. Snapchat
2. Panties
3. Unaccounted for time
4. Nursing school
5. lying about this guy
6. flirty texts
7. phone
.
.
.

I'd suggest you ask the mods to move this to the CWI forum. You will get a lot more focused advice.


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## jetzon (Mar 16, 2015)

*Re: she doesn't like me*

i would get out of this situation asap , this relationship is going nowhere !


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

*Re: something's not right*



Pennington725 said:


> She starts going to lunch to actual restaurants with her single school friends and I become hurt cause in 2 weeks she had already had went out with her friends more than we had dates all year. Also 1 of these school single friends is a guy, we'll call him J. The week before Thanksgiving we talk and she's telling me that she's about to start having girls night with her school friends. I asked if I could tag along on any of these but the reply was that she wants to keep school and home life separate. I ask about J attendance. She said I'm not gonna lie, he'd probably go. I told her I was uncomfortable with that situation. Then I asked a big question, has there been any flirty interaction with you 2. She said the previous day, at lunch that he was getting very personal with her and was flirting. (You wanna come read to me or you want to come live with me) She claims she responded with my husband might disapprove of that.





Pennington725 said:


> Showing hard signs of an affair. Dressing up in date night best clothes for school, fixing her hair and makeup for school. A couple times she went to school without underwear which I thought was odd. Taking an extra set of clothes in her car.





Pennington725 said:


> We've had talks throughout all this and she claims my insecurities have stressed and messed with her school. Her life. She's went numb and doesn't feel anything. She says her only advice is to leave her alone.





Pennington725 said:


> She says she loves me but doesn't like me.
> Currently she's not touching me, we're not having sex, she can guarantee that she will not cheat on me, we can talk like friends, she doesn't want to hang out or spend any quality time.
> What do I do?


So lets look at what is really happening here. Your wife is regularly going on lunch dates "to actual restaurants" with a single guy friend ("J") that is openly flirting with her, and just asked her to leave you so that she can move in with him. On some of her lunch dates, she dresses in date night clothing, and does not were underwear. Now she is going on what she falsely calls "girls nights", when in fact they will sometimes be with her single guy friend; the only guy excluded from "girls nights" is you. Currently she is not spending time with you, not going on dates with you, not touching you, not having sex with you, and tells you that she does not like you. The only thing that she wants from you is for you to go to work so that you can pay the bills, and take care of things at home as she goes to school and dates J. 

When you express legitimate concerns over this, her only advice to you is for you to "leave her alone". My advice to you is to file for divorce so that you can better leave her completely alone.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

*Re: something's not right*

You know she's cheating again. Odds are this is an exit affair. Nurses make decent money. All she needs to do is keep you married to her and paying the bills until she graduates and is working. If the affair works out, she leaves for him. If it doesn't work out, she leaves after she's working and goes it alone or she leaves for the next guy she starts an affair with. Or maybe the one after him. Might as well save yourself some time and drama, file for the divorce now, and get on with your life. From the sounds of it, this whole marriage is based on an accidental pregnancy and it's been a hot mess since the start.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

*Re: something's not right*

Dude, your title shouldn't be Something isn't right, it should be EVERYTHING isn't right!

I really hate to read these posts that are chocked full of dysfunction, the relationship started off dysfunctionally and it has just continued from there. I hate to break it you, but there is absolutely nothing right about your tale. Most people do not live like that, most people would not tolerate having so much drama in their lives. Be done with it. File for a divorce and don't even think twice about it. No one deserves to live like that.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

*Re: something's not right*

This is a trainwreck. Do yourself a BIG favor and divorce her and move on. Work on yourself, yes you need it before you get into another serious relationship.
She is cheating on you. No underwear to nursing school? what reason would there be for this except so her friend can diddle her under the table or at lunch? She's already told you she's not attracted to you any longer. That won't change until it's too late if at all. She's locking you out of all comms with her boyfriend because you are a hindrance to her fun. You are signing on for a continued life of misery if you stay with this one.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: she doesn't like me*

How sure are you that you are your son's biological father? You might want to get a DNA test done. They are easy to do. They are sold at drug stores for about $100. She does not even need to know that you are doing the test.

This relationship seems doomed. You might do well to turn your focus on yourself and your child. Let her go. She's not into you or your relationship.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

*Re: she doesn't like me*

Ask that your thread be moved to General forum. You will get more responses than the Long Term Success in Marriage forum.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: she doesn't like me*

@Uptown


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## Pennington725 (Dec 15, 2017)

Ok, so me and my wife have been going through a rough time lately. She has finally brought me back into the picture some. We haven't been having sex as much due to her nursing school stress. Last night after a great family night she did some weird things out of the normal. She put on lingerie but didn't really touch me. After HER foreplay she flipped over and didn't want to face me plus she wanted me to pull out. She's almost always faced me and we haven't pulled out prevention in a year so why now. I felt used and had some trouble performance I'm sure she noticed. I almost felt as though she was thinking about someone else.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Check her phone!


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

We already explained things to you in your other thread.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You have two threads with the same title and talking about basically the same thing. Please consider either changing the title of this thread or asking the mods to combine the two threads. 

What people have advised you on the other thread is applicable to this thread as well.

However I will share my thoughts to some of your specific points in bold below. 






Pennington725 said:


> Ok, so me and my wife have been going through a rough time lately.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

How many red flags do you need to know something is up


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> We already explained things to you in your other thread.



MJ..

The other thread is attached to the dark side of this, the dark side of her and of him.
He is in the middle of that thread. It binds him.... cutting off his air, cutting off his blood flow. 
Binds around his desire to reconcile. 
The sharp strong thread is looped around his penis. 

That thread, it hurts. He want relief.
He wants us to cut that thread loose. Relieving the tension.

He abandoned that fishing line, tossed in another.

Oh, please Ma'am, can you not forget that old line, that old song.
He need answers. 
He knows in his heart, he's done wrong.

I am a women in my fifties. I have only one man under my belt.
You have more, you lucky lady. Help him out. Show him the way.

Thank you, my Dear women.

Lilith-


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Have you actually asked her?


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## Pennington725 (Dec 15, 2017)

Well, I am insecure and jealous so it could all be me. I have tried to talk things over and over with her. I haven't yet spoken about our sex last night but I swear I felt like I was someone else. There was no connection. She never said my name. She wants to buy a sexy plus size top to wear for her upcoming end of the semester party night she's about to have and that's not like her either. She says it's for her, so she feels sexy about herself. She says I can trust her and she wouldn't do anything wrong. I really really want to fix our relationship. I desperately love my wife and my family. I've totally made mistakes and disserve mistrust for what I done in our past.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Check your phone bill online if you haven't.

Doesn't smell right


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Pennington725 said:


> Well, I am insecure and jealous so it could all be me. I have tried to talk things over and over with her. I haven't yet spoken about our sex last night but I swear I felt like I was someone else. There was no connection. She never said my name. She wants to buy a sexy plus size top to wear for her upcoming end of the semester party night she's about to have and that's not like her either. She says it's for her, so she feels sexy about herself. She says I can trust her and she wouldn't do anything wrong. I really really want to fix our relationship. I desperately love my wife and my family. I've totally made mistakes and disserve mistrust for what I done in our past.


Are you invited?


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## Pennington725 (Dec 15, 2017)

I've checked her phone lots. She uses Snapchat to text 
her school friends so I'm unable to see what's going on.


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## Pennington725 (Dec 15, 2017)

No, I have yet to be invited and I doubt I will be.


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## Pennington725 (Dec 15, 2017)

Wish it was as simple as looking at the phone bill cause she's started using Snapchat to text and call.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Voice activated recorder in her car


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Snapchat is notorious for hiding contact


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Do you have access to her phone or dies she guard it closely?


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## Pennington725 (Dec 15, 2017)

*Re: something's not right*

Thanks for the replies. Almost everything I've asked her she's had somewhat of a legit excuse. I wish I could know what her thoughts were. I feel like she's just using me at the moment. I totally wish the love was back. Not too long ago it was there. I miss my wife. I miss my companion. I miss my best friend. This has driven me to deep depression and suicidal thoughts. I've actually googled easy painless and non messy ways to kill yourself. I'm calling tomorrow and attempt a Dr appointment and see if there's any help. My kids have been the only thing keeping me alive thus far.


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## Pennington725 (Dec 15, 2017)

I do know that she's going out in a few days with her friends to drink and party and dance and who knows. This gives her the perfect opportunity to do something dirty. My warning signs are the fact that she was searching for sexy plus size tops to wear out that night. That's not normal for her. She claimed that she wants to feel sexy. She wants to hide her belly and boast her boobs basically. As a husband and guy, that's not ok if I'm not there. It throws a red flag. Also she hinted that she needs to shave down there soon and she knows if she does that before her night out it will definitely throw a flag for me cause she's let herself go downstairs for a while now even though I've suggested in the past. She will probably stay out all night yet on a normal day it's difficult for her to stay awake past 11pm. And after last night's sex I totally felt like someone else. She went from foreplay to bending over....we NEVER do that. We always ease into a face to face then a bend over or her on top. When I asked her to go on top she said no, she wanted it like that. I had trouble performing.


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## Pennington725 (Dec 15, 2017)

Yes I have access. She doesn't guard it well.


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## Pennington725 (Dec 15, 2017)

Yes and she knows I'm uncomfortable with Snapchat


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Dude, get your ducks in a row and file for divorce already. It is so obvious that she is cheating it’s not possible that you don’t see it. 

Sorry about this but it’s the truth. 

Right before she leaves to party hand her divorce papers and say if you want to act like she is single, she can be.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

*Re: something's not right*

Pennington725, your wife deletes texts, goes to school without underwear, refuses to introduce you to her school social circle , has date nights without you etc, etc, etc. And more etc. 

She is cheating on you. Cheaters lie. Only if you bury your head in the sand are there any legitimate excuses for her behavior. Period! 

Of course she is using you. Believe your own eyes and use your common sense.

I understand you miss your wife. But from what you have written she is not acting like your wife anymore regardless what she says. Look at what she does. I am sorry this is happening to you. But suicide is NOT the answer. 

It is good that you are seeing a Dr. tomorrow. But please call a hotline today. I am going to assume you are in the USA. Please call this line today:

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday

They also have a online chat available.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

*Re: she doesn't like me*



Pennington725 said:


> In the beginning she was *very wishy washy* so before she became pregnant she broke my heart several times.... at the time very * unpredictable and flakey* on issues, unable to fully think things through.


Pen, you seem to be describing a woman who is emotionally immature, perhaps unstable, and very impulsive. I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_ to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you.

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your W's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid staying in a toxic marriage and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her.



Pennington725 said:


> This has driven me to deep depression and suicidal thoughts. I've actually googled easy painless and non messy ways to kill yourself. I'm calling tomorrow and attempt a Dr appointment and see if there's any help. My kids have been the only thing keeping me alive thus far.


I suggest you consult with a psychiatrist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is that you and your two sons are dealing with. Yet, because it may take you some time to locate and get an appointment with a psychiatrist, it would be prudent to call your general medical doctor and ask for a 30-day prescription for an anti-depressant to give you some immediate relief. 

If your general doctor is unable to work you in for an immediate visit, there is a good chance he will be willing to phone in a short-term prescription for you until he can work you into an appointment. While that will give you short term relief, you really should see a psychiatrist to obtain a professional opinion on what is troubling both you and your W. Take care, Pen.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

*Re: she doesn't like me*

My concern is with you poor son who between you both you are clearly messing up. Its not normal for a small child who has just started school to have violent outbursts unless his home life is a mess. He probably doesn't know if he is coming or going.

As for your wife, she clearly has no intention of being faithful or responsible either towards you or your son. She hasn't changed in the years you have been with her, thinks nothing of cheating and doesn't seem to have any integrity at all.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

look stop pining about this and do something about this....get a VAR asap and put in her car, also i would use that name to monitor her. this will be the night she makes her move...but you should warn her if you discover she is cheating there is no second chance...make it very very clear.


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## Pennington725 (Dec 15, 2017)

What is a bar? I am quite certain she will ride along with someone else. As a matter of fact and my gut feelings I feel she will more than likely get ready somewhere else to avoid me. She actually made the statement of putting the kid to bed around 630 and leaving directly after. She never spoke of getting ready or anything so it tells me chances are that she may grab clothes and stuff, go to her mom's or a discreet location, get ready, and go party. 
I'm thinking to avoid conflict with me mostly so I don't ask questions such as why are you wearing that or why did you shave down there. 
I've overheard her talking to her friends saying anyone is invited and "better question is what am I not gonna do". When she's been talking she walks far away so I can't hear.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Pennington725 said:


> Well, I am insecure and jealous so it could all be me. I have tried to talk things over and over with her. I haven't yet spoken about our sex last night but I swear I felt like I was someone else. There was no connection. She never said my name. She wants to buy a sexy plus size top to wear for her upcoming end of the semester party night she's about to have and that's not like her either. She says it's for her, so she feels sexy about herself. She says I can trust her and she wouldn't do anything wrong. I really really want to fix our relationship. I desperately love my wife and my family. I've totally made mistakes and disserve mistrust for what I done in our past.


All of the things you mentioned in your OP are red flags. All of those red flags appeared in my previous marriage - ALL of them - but I didn't have the experience, wits, or TAM to help me realize they were red flags.

Sex with my ex wife was exactly how you described, for many many years. One-sided and (almost) always "from behind". No kissing. Foreplay consisted of her touching me for ~10 seconds, enough to get it up. MAYBE. Then turn around. Often it was just her pulling her pants down to her ankles and laying on her stomach on this chaise we had in our living room. A practical piece of furniture for sex, it seems.

Basically, I was a tool for when she needed sex. Physical, not emotional. Anything BUT emotional. In retrospect, it became something we just did, with no forethought, no anticipation, no excitement. Like asking your partner if they wanted a drink. It was masturbation, and nothing more.

I didn't see the forest for the trees. Consider yourself far more aware than I ever was. That's the first step.

I'll give you three guesses as to how this all eventually played out. The first two don't count.

To be fair - this MAY be temporary. You MAY be able to fix this. You MAY have caught this early enough to be able to work on it and get her back, so to speak. Because I just stupidly went along with it, each and every time it happened (2-3 times a week, for YEARS) it just exacerbated the issue.


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## Pennington725 (Dec 15, 2017)

Sorry, what is a var


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## Pennington725 (Dec 15, 2017)

That's horrible. I HAVE to have an emotional connection. This has been basically happen sexually in a week. I know my wife's routine and that was not it. We always start face to face then move to a new position.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Pennington725 said:


> Sorry, what is a var


VAR

Voice activated recorder. It only records when someone speaks. The rest of the time it just waits.....

They are super small and can be hidden easily.

They cost about ~65 dollars tax included at BestBuy and other electronic suppliers.

Buy two. 
Put one in her car under her seat. Use velcro to hold it in place. Read the instructions and practice with it before putting it to real use. Put a tiny piece of tape over the 'red' record light. Some models allow the red light to be kept off. Buy a Sony. They make good ones. Buy lithium batteries. They are more expensive but last a lot longer.

Put the second one in the house where she usually sits or talks. Leave the house to give her time to talk and to be 'comfortable'.

Her statement saying, "Be concerned what I am NOT going to do, means, likely she will hook up with someone".


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Pennington725 said:


> That's horrible. I HAVE to have an emotional connection. This has been basically happen sexually in a week. I know my wife's routine and that was not it. We always start face to face then move to a new position.


From the back, if new..

Per AlexM.....she is thinking about someone else while she gets off. She does not want to see you, know it is you, smell your breath, hear you breathing. 
Ugh, thrice.

Note: some women like to be taken from the rear. They get off this way, not so much with the other positions, dunno.


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## Pennington725 (Dec 15, 2017)

She loves to be on top but also likes it from the back but for her to go straight to the back is like a never occasion. We always start face to face.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Pennington725 said:


> She loves to be on top but also likes it from the back but for her to go straight to the back is like a never occasion. We always start face to face.


i suspect that she wanted in the back because she didn't want to look you in the eyes....she gives you sex but she doesn't to look at you...why...guilt or thinking of someone else


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## Pennington725 (Dec 15, 2017)

It was the first time in our relationship that I felt like I was having sex with her but she was having sex with someone else


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

*Re: something's not right*

"she can guarantee that she will not cheat on me."
I can guarantee she will again.....and again.
She's a narcissist. She will not stop until she seeks help, or her world collapses around her.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

*Re: something's not right*

She said it herself she wants to have two lives. The college life and the home life. Because when she wants to have fun she goes out with her friends and bones new dude. when he moves on and breaks her heart she's going to run home to her loving husband. A person committed to a relationship wants that relationship to flourish. So a healthy relationship you and her would be going out to have fun. Her friends would come second to you. Obviously you are secondary to them. 
I see on this site a lot "having your cake and eating it to." Look you both seriously screwed up the beginning of this marriage. It also sounds like you married her out of guilt. This marriage is not going to ever be more than painful until you both put it first and put each other first. You have every reason morally and logically to draw boundaries in your marriage. She can draw her own but if there are no boundaries set and no explanation of consequences of crossing said boundaries you can expect her to keep pushing. be prepared for her to act like a child. You know what doesn't matter. No girls nights out with other men. that's not a girls night out that's a date with another man. plain and simple so if another man goes she either invites you or she doesn't go.
Additionally you have got to stop falling for the garbage excuses I am certain most of them are crap and all suit her.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Pennington,

She's getting ready to cheat, it's likely already an emotional affair or light foreplay, for now you are a stand in for whoever it is. 

Play dumb you need to catch her or you will get years of denial if you don't end up divorced first. Expect to hear bizarre statements from your W if she is in an affair. Did she already say "I love you but I'm not in love with you"?

I don't recall my W ever being inventive except when someone else was in her life.

Did her orgasm seem longer or more intense or wetter? That could be another red flag.

Tamat


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

*Re: something's not right*

She has enough time for plenty of 3-hour lunches and girls' nights out (with boys - maybe they should be called "girls and boys' nights out without husbands). But not enough to study and pass. Your fault.

You have both been pretty shady at times. About a year and a half ago you were willing to have an "emotional" affair, now you're heartbroken. A lot of drama. Continuous drama. Very rocky. Rollercoaster.

She is a child mentally. More like a teenager. Rebellious. You are dad. You are taking care of the house, paying the bills, she of course does not want her dad going out with her friends.

An extra set of clothes in her car? Not wearing panties? Come on now. You know.

Listen, you are a young 39. Find yourself. You lived 34 years without this young "flakey" woman. You will live with her, and you will live without her. If she leaves you, you will be OK without her.

You can't control her. You can only control yourself. What are your values? In marriage? What is acceptable, what is not acceptable, what is the space in between to negotiate? I cannot tell you, those are your values, but I could tell you what is unacceptable to me. I believe that getting married means two becoming one, the two lives come together to share one life with each other. Your wife wants to live separately. Married in name only. That is unacceptable to me. So I would tell her that. If you want a separate life without me in it, then it is not for me. Not what I signed up for. Bait and switch. I can't control her, but I know what is acceptable. So think about that for yourself, what is acceptable?


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

*Re: something's not right*

You ask what can you do? How about enforcing some long overdue consequences for her foul and ****tish behavour.

She guarantees you she is not cheating? I can guarantee you she is. 

Your sex life is down the toilet, she deletes messages, she lies and says she is at school studying until 5.30pm when closing time is 4.30pm. 

All this unaccounted for time do you know what she is doing? She is banging the other man.

Sorry to be so harsh but you need a dose of realities. We have all been there and experienced the pain you are going through.

You need to enforce consequences.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Pennington725 said:


> It was the first time in our relationship that I felt like I was having sex with her but she was having sex with someone else


Because she is having sex with someone else.


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## Pennington725 (Dec 15, 2017)

Nothing was different about her orgasm. I'm fairly convinced that she's not going to chest on me. We had an honest talk last night and it's much worse that I realized. She has thought about it but wouldn't nor couldn't go through with it. She says she's thought of it as a means to hurt me or give a means to end our marriage. As she claimed though she says all men are snakes. Why would she want another? 
We've been through a lot in our marriage. I'm losing hope. I'm losing fight. I'm losing confidence. My pain is getting the better of me. I diserve better. I'm one of the most thoughtful husband's you'll ever find and she agrees but it's not enough I guess. She passed her first semester of nursing school which is great but I don't see our marriage or my sanity holding up very long. I wish she'd just make up her mind. I want to go to sleep and never awake to this nightmare again.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I don't get the impression (from what little OP has said) that she's already banging someone else.

But, she will be if this doesn't get nipped in the bud.

This sounds like the classic "bored wife" thing happening here.

See, boredom = resentment, if left too long. It's "your" fault she's bored, stuck, doesn't feel sexy or attractive.

But it's (probably) not your fault. It's hers. And very likely her friends, who are fuelling it, and bringing her out to "party".

She wants to get her mojo back.

Your best (or only) bet at this point is to sit her down and have a chat with her about this. You really need to tell her you're uncomfortable with her getting all dolled up to go party. No doubt she'll be pissed off about that, but that's her prerogative. See, the thing is this - you get married, have kids, etc. and life changes. It just does. Most people know this going in. You have a partner, so outside attention is no longer needed. It's nice when it happens, makes you feel good. You smile about it, say "thanks, I'm married", and carry on. You don't chase it.

My ex wife, luckily, didn't have friends who'd bring her out to clubs, but she'd get all dressed up, makeup, hair, the whole nine, just to go out and run errands - or go to the gym (just as bad as a club, IMO). And it all went over my head. I'd tell her she looked great. Never asked, or even really thought about WHY she was doing it.

But in hindsight, it was sad. I made my ex wife feel good about herself ALL THE TIME. I was never negative toward her, not once, in ~14 years. But she needed more (much more) affirmation than I could give her, from anyone.

And therein lies the real danger about your situation, OP. She may very well already be past that point where you're not enough. Where she hears the words come out of your mouth, but it falls on deaf ears. That you're _supposed_ to say these things to her - that she's hot, sexy, attractive.

Unfortunately, I don't think you'll be able to fix this immediately. She's determined to go out and get her ego boosts, AND she probably has her friends egging her on. If you say anything (which I DO think you should) expect to hear "What? You don't trust me?" right back at you. FYI, there's no correct response to that. If you say you do, then she won't be too worried about what she does. If you say you don't, then she'll go out with a "**** you" attitude. Add alcohol to the situation, and... yeah.

In all honesty, I'd handle it this way. Tell her you don't want to get into a heated discussion about this, but that you don't think it's a good idea for a married woman to get all dressed up and go "party". Don't forbid her to go or anything, but make sure she knows you're not okay with it. Don't pout, don't be angry. Just be matter-of-fact.

And straight-up tell her that in a healthy marriage, this kind of thing isn't necessary.

And finally - ask her why she's doing this. Like _really_ why. It's not just "for fun", because that's not what it's about. Once she realizes you've seen past her, she may at least start to think about it.

Had I asked these questions to my ex wife, it would have got the wheels turning, at the very least. It may have shown her that I had some concerns about our marriage, and about her. Yes, she would have been PO'd at me at first, defensive, think I didn't trust her, but in the end, it may have sparked an inner monologue about WHY she felt she needed outside attention.

That's really the only way you can open up a dialogue with one's partner about this particular subject. Your wife, and my ex wife had blinders on, IMO. A+B=C. Attention is a drug, and a hard one to kick. But like any addiction, kicking it starts from within.

At some point, she WILL wake up and realize the folly of it all. I have little doubt my ex wife has, at some point in the ensuing ~10 years, thought back to those days with embarrassment and possibly some shame. She was a smart cookie, but also could very easily become obsessed with things.

The key is to get your wife to this point before it's too late. Don't let her arrive at that on her own, especially after she's ruined an otherwise good marriage.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Also - you said you have access to her phone, and that she doesn't really protect it.

Turn on GPS tracking (or install an app) and follow her movements the night she goes out.

Sneaky, but effective, and possibly necessary in this case.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Pennington725 said:


> She has thought about it but wouldn't nor couldn't go through with it.


That's a lie.

She would and could

Listen and understand her here - she will cheat.



Pennington725 said:


> *She says she's thought of it as a means to hurt me or give a means to end our marriage*.


Wow.
This is the give away right here.

Run
Forest
Run

She wants *out *and she wants to do it in a way that burns all bridges.

Get out now. Give her what she wants and needs before she opens up the abyss on you by having an affair.

Contact that lawyer. Get the divorce started.
Get to a doctor and get the STD/STI/HIV tests started.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

*Re: she doesn't like me*

I'm not sure it's fair to jump to the conclusion your wife has a personality disorder or other serious mental health issues. I am sure that as a man in your early 30's, you probably shouldn't have been dating a woman barely old enough to buy her own booze. She was, and in many ways likely still is, a girl rather than a woman. 

That said, your relationship is a train wreck and she is likely cheating on you. You haven't exactly been the model of faithful stability and good character for the duration of the relationship, either. You say she doesn't seem to like you, but it doesn't really sound like you like her much, either. Neither one of you really seems capable of a solid, healthy, relationship. But this one seems pretty toxic, as evidenced by your son's issues. My suggestion is that you divorce amicably and both move on with your lives. You concentrate on being a good father to your (2? 3?) children. Maybe one day both of you will be functional adults capable of healthy relationships with other people. But I don't think either of you really fit that description right now.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

OP, I have merged your three thread together in the infidelity forum. This is the second time I have merged duplicate threads. Do not continue to open additional threads with basically the same questions or issues. Continuance of this will result in your account being locked.


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## californian (Jan 28, 2010)

> What do I do?

Grow up.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Pennington725 said:


> Nothing was different about her orgasm. I'm fairly convinced that she's not going to chest on me. We had an honest talk last night and it's much worse that I realized. She has thought about it but wouldn't nor couldn't go through with it. She says she's thought of it as a means to hurt me or give a means to end our marriage. As she claimed though she says all men are snakes. Why would she want another?
> We've been through a lot in our marriage. I'm losing hope. I'm losing fight. I'm losing confidence. My pain is getting the better of me. I diserve better. I'm one of the most thoughtful husband's you'll ever find and she agrees but it's not enough I guess. She passed her first semester of nursing school which is great but I don't see our marriage or my sanity holding up very long.* I wish she'd just make up her mind.* I want to go to sleep and never awake to this nightmare again.


It's up to you. Do you want to be married to a probable cheater?

Don't leave the decision up to her.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It has been told and it has been said.
To me, though never about me. That, these, those words.
This, I would guiltily dread.

That a women who goes about, flitters about, makes one suppose.
Flirts without underwear, just goes bare, not even a hair to cover their half-shut Rose.

Half shut I suppose, because my eyes have never seen this Rose, so I presume.
I presume half shut for sanitary reasons. 
Now I shall, and I shall say, I reluctantly resume.

She walks about, without a cover, without a doubt ready for another.
Another fast forward, slow reverse, repeating the rhythm for each love, each, not a brother.

Going uncovered, not her whole form, not her demeanor, the rest of her intentions are in the open.
She keeps it uncovered, we would think to keep it in the breeze, hence to keep the Rose cool.

Kept cool, air cooled, ready for action. It, that Rose, willing her.
The Rose, now air cooled, keeping any just-found piston going up and down.
Up and down, not seizing, via expansion, overheating in that cylinder.

The cylinder that is under the Rose. Often red, having ample blood flow.
Blood flow, Rose oil for lube.
And flagrant, fragrant, having ample desire, having during and after glow.

When Citizen Kane died, his last word was 'Rosebud'.
Ah, this rich man remained lust-filled and glowing in this last, his last word.



written by:

Lilith-
a married women over fifty, with only one man under my belt. Many have gone undercover, bared open, in the breeziness of my dreams.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Pennington725 said:


> Nothing was different about her orgasm. I'm fairly convinced that she's not going to cheat on me. We had an honest talk last night and it's much worse than I realized. She has thought about it but wouldn't nor couldn't go through with it.
> 
> *She says she's thought of it as a means to hurt me or give a means to end our marriage*.
> 
> ...


She will, unfortunately, make up your mind...for you. 
I would be surprised if she can muster the will power to finish this degree. She has a long slog ahead of her.


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## Pennington725 (Dec 15, 2017)

Thanks again to everyone's help. I do appreciate it. I'm certain that if she does something or has done something it WILL come out. She is bad to slip her stories when she tells lies and she forgets the lies she tells. Many time in our past she has she has confessed to hurtful lies cause she can't handle the guilt. 
I recently had a man to man with my uncle who has always been my biggest Christian male role model. I didn't have to say much before he was telling me the truth of the matter that i never realized. He basically said " can you blame her? Son, you're not leading your family. Women bounce back and forth that's why they're always undecided but God designed man to lead in a straight line so the woman can follow your path. You've stayed at the same crap job for 11 years due to fear and convenience, you live in a house falling apart that's tiny and next door to family who is always in your business. You never followed the laws of marriage to leave your mother and father and cling to your spouse. But you also posses qualities that women would give anything for. You're the most thoughtful, always trying husband I've ever met and to top it off you're a damn awesome Dad. If she wants out, let her go cause you won't be without someone treating you with love for very long with those qualities. If she has any brains she'll see that but it'll be after it's too late and she'll think that could've been her or it should've been her. You can't control her, she's gonna do what she wants, but if you're doing things right she's gonna follow"
I told my wife all this that night. She actually agreed with everything he said. Surprise to me, even agreed to my attractive qualities women miss in their own marriages. Even how she'd wish it was her if we moved on. So I stopped talking about her night out. Told her she looked wonderful and I loved her. She thanked me more than once for watching the kiddo so she could have some fun and I actually felt real appreciation. She loved all over me with hugs all evening before she left. She shown no red flags of cheating at all. I was at peace regardless. She text and snapchat me all night. She was home by 1am and she got into bed and wrapped her arms around me and loved on me. Lol...I'm confused really...lol
Any insights?
She left her email logged into the computer and she was exactly where she claimed all night.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Pennington725 said:


> Thanks again to everyone's help. I do appreciate it. I'm certain that if she does something or has done something it WILL come out. She is bad to slip her stories when she tells lies and she forgets the lies she tells. Many time in our past she has she has confessed to hurtful lies cause she can't handle the guilt.
> I recently had a man to man with my uncle who has always been my biggest Christian male role model. I didn't have to say much before he was telling me the truth of the matter that i never realized. He basically said " can you blame her? Son, you're not leading your family. Women bounce back and forth that's why they're always undecided but God designed man to lead in a straight line so the woman can follow your path. You've stayed at the same crap job for 11 years due to fear and convenience, you live in a house falling apart that's tiny and next door to family who is always in your business. You never followed the laws of marriage to leave your mother and father and cling to your spouse. But you also posses qualities that women would give anything for. You're the most thoughtful, always trying husband I've ever met and to top it off you're a damn awesome Dad. If she wants out, let her go cause you won't be without someone treating you with love for very long with those qualities. If she has any brains she'll see that but it'll be after it's too late and she'll think that could've been her or it should've been her. You can't control her, she's gonna do what she wants, but if you're doing things right she's gonna follow"
> I told my wife all this that night. She actually agreed with everything he said. Surprise to me, even agreed to my attractive qualities women miss in their own marriages. Even how she'd wish it was her if we moved on. So I stopped talking about her night out. Told her she looked wonderful and I loved her. She thanked me more than once for watching the kiddo so she could have some fun and I actually felt real appreciation. She loved all over me with hugs all evening before she left. She shown no red flags of cheating at all. I was at peace regardless. She text and snapchat me all night. She was home by 1am and she got into bed and wrapped her arms around me and loved on me. Lol...I'm confused really...lol
> Any insights?
> She left her email logged into the computer and she was exactly where she claimed all night.


Sounds like she is pulling the lull you to sleep, get you content for a while and then once you are feeling good about everything, she can go back to what she wants to do. At least that's a common thread here and what happened to me this Summer.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Have you ever heard of being Gas Lighted? Based on current comments you have told us so far this is going to end in major disaster. Don't be to happy that you had a peek at her emails. Did it ever occur to you that she may have deliberately left them logged in cause she knew you were going to look at them. I fear you are being played by a serial and very good cheater.


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## toucheturtle (Nov 12, 2017)

This is the same thing that happen to me in 1995 and it was out the door with the children.do you and your wife have date nights vacations alone time? It did happen fast and I was not prepaired.it sure did cost me$ 50,00 in child support.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

You gave her an "out" and she took it.

For now.

Leopards don't change their spots. People don't change their deep-seated patterns. Not easy, like that.

Nonetheless, I like your new attitude. If you start leading, and she still cheats again, you will find out because you know her behavior.

On another topic, I can't help but wonder if your uncle also took his opportunity to give you some advice he's been waiting to give for a long time because you gave him an opportunity. Why else would he give you that advice now for the first time after 11 years?


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## Pennington725 (Dec 15, 2017)

Well, guys and gals....I know to trust my gut now. She came to me and confessed to having the tingles for her school friend. It had not went any further that her having the start of feelings. Not yet a crush but feelings she regrets and feels uncomfortable having. She said she doesn't have them anymore cause it's wrong. She says she's fine but is still waiting to feel different. Our drama marriage has worn her out. She feels like sometimes it's not fair and that she gave up her happiness over not breaking someone's heart. She admitted happiness within our marriage at times but there's been much she's had to overcome. Her heart is still unsure about us. She wants everything to work out between us. She wants to see my leadership and not hear about it.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Penningon,

You wrote your wife cheated while pregnant. Its obvious to anyone reading your posts she is cheating now. Why does anything she want from you matter to you? 

She is telling you she wants to be with other people and blaming you for it. On that alone hand her divorce papers and walk away. That is leadership. What else do you expect people to tell you? That there is magic dust that you can sprinkle and all this will go away?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Pennington725 said:


> She thanked me more than once for watching the kiddo so she could have some fun and I actually felt real appreciation. She loved all over me with hugs all evening before she left. She shown no red flags of cheating at all. I was at peace regardless. She text and snapchat me all night. She was home by 1am and she got into bed and wrapped her arms around me and loved on me. Lol...I'm confused really...lol
> Any insights?
> 
> She left her email logged into the computer and she was exactly where she claimed all night.


This is _such _an exercise in futility at this point, but I'll reply.

She couldn't POSSIBLY have a secret email account that you DON'T know about, could she? So big deal, to pacify you, she gave you access to the email account she *doesn't* use for her monkey business. She's a genius! *No one* could have possibly seen through THAT clever ruse (except all of us reading this thread).

And her sudden TRANSPARENT and extremely manipulative "loving" towards you - before and after her night out - was all *real* and *genuine *fer shure. Well it worked, because just as planned she got you right back to being stupid again with incredibly LITTLE effort.

Alas, like most men, you'll continue to hang on to this slow-motion miserable train-wreck of a marriage like grim death, rather than get a divorce. _*This *_is why more women initiate divorces than men, because most men are too chicken-**** to do it themselves. 

Fact.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Pennington725 said:


> she gave up her happiness over not breaking someone's heart. She admitted happiness within our marriage at times but there's been much she's had to overcome.


Happiness is overrated.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

If I were to use a poster face for a stupid man in respect to women OP face would do perfectly.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

*Re: something's not right*



Pennington725 said:


> She came to me and confessed to having the tingles for her school friend.


 With her “having the tingles for” this other man (OM), and the other man asking her to leave you so that she could move in with him, this confirms even further that her relationship with the OM was more than just as a “school friend”, and that their get togethers were in fact dates. With this admission, did you insist that she go 100% no contact with this OM, and that she agree that both of you would share complete transparency with each other, including passwords to all accounts?



Pennington725 said:


> It had not went any further that her having the start of feelings. Not yet a crush but feelings she regrets and feels uncomfortable having. She said she doesn't have them anymore cause it's wrong.


 This is what cheaters say throughout the infidelity section of this site when they intend to continue to see the other man, and to make you feel OK about their night outs without you until 1:00am.



Pennington725 said:


> She says she's fine but is still waiting to feel different. Our drama marriage has worn her out. She feels like sometimes it's not fair and that she gave up her happiness over not breaking someone's heart. She admitted happiness within our marriage at times but there's been much she's had to overcome. Her heart is still unsure about us. She wants everything to work out between us. She wants to see my leadership and not hear about it.


This is how a cheater asks the cheated on to do the pick me monkey dance. 

I light of her tingles, and her going out at night until 1:00am without you, let me remind you what I posted earlier in this thread:

So lets look at what is really happening here. Your wife is regularly going on lunch dates "to actual restaurants" with a single guy friend ("J") that is openly flirting with her, and just asked her to leave you so that she can move in with him. On some of her lunch dates, she dresses in date night clothing, and does not wear underwear. Now she is going on what she falsely calls "girls nights", when in fact they will sometimes be with her single guy friend; the only guy excluded from "girls nights" is you. Currently she is not spending time with you, not going on dates with you, not touching you, not having sex with you, and tells you that she does not like you. The only thing that she wants from you is for you to go to work so that you can pay the bills, and take care of things at home as she goes to school and dates J. 

When you express legitimate concerns over this, her only advice to you is for you to "leave her alone". My advice to you is to file for divorce so that you can better leave her alone.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Look Penn, I'm sorry you are having a bad time. You have a number of issues to which you refer. Could you narrow the problem down?


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Two immature people.

And you both keep bringing kids into this world.

They deserve each other.


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## stillthinking (Jun 1, 2016)

Show leadership. Get a better job. Get a better house.

Let me translate that for you.

"If you jump through all these hoops, and make me feel like a princess, maybe, just maybe I will stop seeing (screwing) other men and choose you!"

Dance monkey dance. The "pick me trot" is in full swing.

I would not trust your gut. Your gut is infused with co-dependent drama. Trust other peoples guts. The ones telling you what you do not want to hear.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Pennington725 said:


> She wants to see my leadership and not hear about it.


 I got to tell you I kind of disagree with the premise of this statement. I believe a successful marriage to be an equal melding of two partners and not with one in charge of the other. The way this looks is if the relationship isn't successful it is because of your lack of leadership and not her bad behavior choices. The education thing is fine, but this going out with the other students has gotten into more of a parent - child relationship than a marriage. This again plays into the leadership comment above. I think she needs to put on her big girl pants and decide where this relationship stands, either she is in or she wants the single life she is currently leading. I wish you well, but I wouldn't bet big money on this one.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Pennington725 said:


> She feels like sometimes it's not fair and that she gave up her happiness over not breaking someone's heart.


Let me offer another translation:

"I married you only because I felt sorry for you, not because I loved you; and I often regret it. I long for the happiness with someone else, that I can't have with you."

Good sir, that's all that I would need to hear.

She's obviously looking for an exit affair. Eventually she'll find one.


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## KaggyBear (Jan 16, 2017)

so... who is paying for her nursing school?


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## Pennington725 (Dec 15, 2017)

Sorry guys and gals I haven't checked this lately. To answer some questions Uncle Sam has paid tuition for nursing school but I've bought her books. 

So to update everyone.....
Well, where to start. Things were going ok for us for a while until the 1st week of school started back. By her 2nd day of class she had reverted back to the whole I wanna feel different but I don't statements but she added what am I gonna do, where am I gonna go to her recipe of disaster. I asked her what she wants in a marriage and she struck me with the most selfish spoiled answer I've ever heard. She wants to be so compatible with her mate that she never has to compromise. Are you kidding me. About 3 weeks ago she locked her phone cause she stated she needed some privacy in her life but said she would unlock it for me whenever I wanted to go through it. I did ask why now after 3 years does she feel the need to have secrecy which her reply in anger was cause she might have conversations about me on her phone. I have yet to ask to go through her phone though. I brought up just before school started back that she may not know it but was having an emotional affair with J. She got upset and basically stated she's damned if you do, damned if you don't. She continued to give every reason in the book that he's not interested in her like that. I finally informed her my feeling is that it's not him pursuing her but the other way around. She got quiet and stated she would stop talking to him so much and keep it strictly school based. Obviously she forgot about that statement by the 1st week of school. We have been still having sex and our drive has been somewhat elevated for some reason. My sexual drive is super up over the past months but I'm not satisfied. We discussed the possibility that I feel something is missing so I keep wanting more sex to find it. I feel as men we associate emotional connection with physical intimacy but she said that's not men, that's just you. 
I'm exhausted. I'm beat down. I'm still trying. I refuse to take the easy road and give up leaving myself with unfinished business.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Pennington725 said:


> Sorry guys and gals I haven't checked this lately. To answer some questions Uncle Sam has paid tuition for nursing school but I've bought her books.
> 
> So to update everyone.....
> Well, where to start. Things were going ok for us for a while until the 1st week of school started back. By her 2nd day of class she had reverted back to the whole I wanna feel different but I don't statements but she added what am I gonna do, where am I gonna go to her recipe of disaster. I asked her what she wants in a marriage and she struck me with the most selfish spoiled answer I've ever heard. She wants to be so compatible with her mate that she never has to compromise. Are you kidding me. About 3 weeks ago she locked her phone cause she stated she needed some privacy in her life but said she would unlock it for me whenever I wanted to go through it. I did ask why now after 3 years does she feel the need to have secrecy which her reply in anger was cause she might have conversations about me on her phone. I have yet to ask to go through her phone though. I brought up just before school started back that she may not know it but was having an emotional affair with J. She got upset and basically stated she's damned if you do, damned if you don't. She continued to give every reason in the book that he's not interested in her like that. I finally informed her my feeling is that it's not him pursuing her but the other way around. She got quiet and stated she would stop talking to him so much and keep it strictly school based. Obviously she forgot about that statement by the 1st week of school. We have been still having sex and our drive has been somewhat elevated for some reason. My sexual drive is super up over the past months but I'm not satisfied. We discussed the possibility that I feel something is missing so I keep wanting more sex to find it. I feel as men we associate emotional connection with physical intimacy but she said that's not men, that's just you.
> I'm exhausted. I'm beat down. I'm still trying. *I refuse to take the easy road and give up leaving myself with unfinished business.*


What I have learned after several months of the veterans on her trying to beat it into me with 2x4s is that what we were doing is actually the easy road. The hard and effective road is to get tough with either consequences or if you rather, tough love. She obviously isn't responding to what you are doing with what you want and I know it's hard to hear but this will be heading on a course the same as my story. 6 months of me trying everything, giving my heart and soul, my forgiveness but to someone that didn't want to change and was effectively planning a new life that didn't involve me. That's not to say that even if you go 180 and impose ultimatums that she will respond because chances are at this point, it's doomed in the current state anyway.

You need to come up with a list of absolute deal breakers and be honest with yourself, no budging. Then have one final talk to her about it and is she breaks any of those basic rules of what you want or what anyone should deserve in a marriage. Time to file and move on with your life. She will either respond and try to make it work or she will continue on her way and at least you have your answer. I get the sense from her state of mind that she's long gone and she has this mindset of "he just doesn't get it". 

I know you think you are doing right by what you are doing, same as what I thought I was doing and honoring my vows, honoring what I hold true in my faith but the the thing is, I did it for too long. As soon as there were major signs she was going to continue to break boundaries and not make even the slightest efforts to reconcile and told me to my face, I should have moved. It would have given me a better chance and helping her find her way back into the light sooner and maybe a reunion in the future. Now, I dragged the thing on for so long that the divorce serving was more of a relief to her than a shock. Hold your head high, this is not how marriage is suppose to be but unfortunately, you are taking the easy road even though it seems counter-intuitive to think that way after all we have been taught at home, in the church, etc. The energy needs to be put in a different direction, one that gives real consequences not one that embraces what she is doing in hopes that she will come around. She won't, not like this.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Pennington725 said:


> My sexual drive is super up over the past months but I'm not satisfied. We discussed the possibility that I feel something is missing so I keep wanting more sex to find it. I feel as men we associate emotional connection with physical intimacy but she said that's not men, that's just you.


Men do find physical intimacy with a women a big piece of the "love" pie... She is very wrong in her assumption that you are the only man that wants sex to be fulfilled. 

I honestly don't need gifts or night outs with my wife to know she loves me... I want her to jump my bones and I am a satisfied man.

This girl seems like trouble (and you too), and just reading your original post looks like a smorgis board of problems.

1) Have you had your kid DNA tested yet? If not, you arent really listening to any advice here and I wonder what you want to get out of it... just validation in your crazy ways?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Pennington725 said:


> About 3 weeks ago she locked her phone cause she stated she needed some privacy in her life but said she would unlock it for me whenever I wanted to go through it. I did ask why now after 3 years does she feel the need to have secrecy which her reply in anger was cause she might have conversations about me on her phone.


 Your wife regularly goes out with her male and female friends to go drinking and dancing, where you are specifically always excluded. She uses the cheater preferred app Snapchat. She now tells you that she is locking her phone so that she can talk about you behind your back to these same friends, when in fact she can already do that with Snapchat, so I am guessing that she now wants to exchange photos and such behind your back. If she is not already cheating on you, she sure wants to be able to. What exactly does she have to do before you man up and set up marital boundaries?

She is a selfish cake eater that wants the advantages of marriage, while having the freedom of being able to act like a single person. Marriage does not work that way. Also, since you were not married when she had the child, and you were not even invited to participate during the child’s birth, it is very possible that the child is not biologically yours, and that she only married you because she needed a father to help her with the child as she went to school and partied like a single person. You are willingly letting yourself be used, and she is not even trying to hide it that well. This is all on you. Either continue to accept sex from her as the price for her being able to use you or do not accept this, but stop pretending that this is not what is going on.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Your wasting your time.

Sorry thats all I got.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Pennington725 said:


> Sorry guys and gals I haven't checked this lately. To answer some questions Uncle Sam has paid tuition for nursing school but I've bought her books.
> 
> So to update everyone.....
> Well, where to start. Things were going ok for us for a while until the 1st week of school started back. By her 2nd day of class she had reverted back to the whole I wanna feel different but I don't statements but she added what am I gonna do, where am I gonna go to her recipe of disaster. I asked her what she wants in a marriage and she struck me with the most selfish spoiled answer I've ever heard. She wants to be so compatible with her mate that she never has to compromise. Are you kidding me. About 3 weeks ago she locked her phone cause she stated she needed some privacy in her life but said she would unlock it for me whenever I wanted to go through it. I did ask why now after 3 years does she feel the need to have secrecy which her reply in anger was cause she might have conversations about me on her phone. I have yet to ask to go through her phone though. I brought up just before school started back that she may not know it but was having an emotional affair with J. She got upset and basically stated she's damned if you do, damned if you don't. She continued to give every reason in the book that he's not interested in her like that. I finally informed her my feeling is that it's not him pursuing her but the other way around. She got quiet and stated she would stop talking to him so much and keep it strictly school based. Obviously she forgot about that statement by the 1st week of school. We have been still having sex and our drive has been somewhat elevated for some reason. My sexual drive is super up over the past months but I'm not satisfied. We discussed the possibility that I feel something is missing so I keep wanting more sex to find it. I feel as men we associate emotional connection with physical intimacy but she said that's not men, that's just you.
> I'm exhausted. I'm beat down. I'm still trying. I refuse to take the easy road and give up leaving myself with unfinished business.


Get your head on straight, see things for what they are, and move on.

Otherwise it won’t be too much longer before she starts kicking you down “the easy road” herself. (Hell man, she kinda already is.)


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

It's hard being a puppet on a string. 

The only one keeping you there is you.


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## toucheturtle (Nov 12, 2017)

you have a long hard road ahead.you are nothing but a doormat.i would lawyer up asap.my ex was going to nursing school and she started to wise up to the ways of the world crap.i began to do the 180.our relationship was over and later separation.you will never be good enough for her.i would take a break from your relationship for a couple of months.she a least had a ea with this guy.


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## lisamaree (Nov 2, 2014)

So have you taken any of the advice that has been given here? Seems you haven’t because your wife is still lying to you. If you took the advice that others are giving to you here, she would not be able to make any excuses. You’d have 100% undeniable solid proof of her affair and you’d be able to have a serious conversation with her. Then you could walk away, or you could reconcile. Unfortunately until you do anything you’re just wasting your time posting here or even talking about this with your wife. Right now she just thinks you’re a fool and she’s just using you until she gets out of school.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> This is _such _an exercise in futility at this point, but I'll reply.
> 
> She couldn't POSSIBLY have a secret email account that you DON'T know about, could she? So big deal, to pacify you, she gave you access to the email account she *doesn't* use for her monkey business. She's a genius! *No one* could have possibly seen through THAT clever ruse (except all of us reading this thread).
> 
> ...


Agree and Disagree. Yes, there are a lot of weak men out there, and they get indecisive and grovel instead of being strong and resolute. Don't get it. But...Women initiate divorces with men because they are not committed not because men are too indecisive to act. We often read here that once a woman checks out she is done. As if that is acceptable. It's entirely unacceptable. Falling out of love as a problem to solve, not an excuse to leave your spouse and break your vows.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

This is emotional assault. When she is stressed, she makes your world into a steaming pile of dingleberries. Point this out to her, before you drop any bombs. She holds you at bay, lets you think she is messing around on you (she may be). So, my assessment of the situation is that she thinks she holds all of the cards. Secondarily, she changes with the weather, so she keeps you off balance. I believe the 180 is called for in this situation. You spend an inordinate time currying favor, and trying to fix the situation for her, or her for that matter. She has come to expect it, and it gives her ammunition with which to make you miserable. Read and practice the 180. When she is getting one word answers and sees you working on yourself rather than killing yourself kissing her ass, she will sit up and take notice. I have used the 180 to quell mind games, and to out people who were not friends to my marriage (her sister in particular-who is now really on the outs-tried to get my wife to go to a cougar bar so that she could get my wife to participate in her games). When you stop acting like she expects it sets up cognitive dissonance. Things stop making sense to her. You put her off balance just as she has kept you. Funny thing about this: The person who likes to keep their mate off balance is not particularly good at being off balance themselves. It is uncomfortable and things have a way of coming out and resolving.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

stillfightingforus said:


> What I have learned after several months of the veterans on her trying to beat it into me with 2x4s is that what we were doing is actually the easy road. The hard and effective road is to get tough with either consequences or if you rather, tough love. She obviously isn't responding to what you are doing with what you want and I know it's hard to hear but this will be heading on a course the same as my story. 6 months of me trying everything, giving my heart and soul, my forgiveness but to someone that didn't want to change and was effectively planning a new life that didn't involve me. That's not to say that even if you go 180 and impose ultimatums that she will respond because chances are at this point, it's doomed in the current state anyway.


This is SO TRUE! I try to tell people dealing with infidelity in their marriage all the time and it takes them a while for it to sink in. Unfortunately, they don't have a while to get it. They have a finite window that is closing before everything has spiraled out of control to the point where one or both spouses no longer want to save the marriage.

Pennington, when you choose to do nothing but wait and see what happens, two time bombs start. One is your wife. She is running down that clock by talking crap about you to others, possibly meeting a new OM/the old OM, and justifying why it's okay for her to cheat, leave, and blame you for the state of the marriage. It's only a matter of time before she decides it's best for her to get out. It could be because she has someone new. It could be because she has spun a story to friends and family about how terrible and controlling you are and now they are helping her leave you. It could even be because now you want her to help fix the marriage and be accountable for her affair and she has already convinced herself that you're the problem while she is the one who deserves to be won back.

The second bomb is yourself. There is only so much more crap that you can take. There are only so many more DDays you can take. There is only so much blame that you can take before a switch flips and you no longer love her. Lies, deception, and bad behavior from her is a love killer. There will be a day that you wake up and decide that you no longer want the marriage. 

When you choose to sit by and do nothing, it's a game of chicken where one of you is going to explode and it's very likely to end the marriage. When you decide to get tough and tell her she can get with the program or walk, you have nothing to lose because the marriage is going to end eventually anyways. You have nothing to lose if she walks out now or 6 months from now because she's already got one foot out the door. But what you will lose if you stay and wait for it to happen is your sanity, your health, and a whole bunch of other vulnerabilities that she could take advantage of while you desperately cling to her in the form of child custody and money/assets. Even if you got a divorce, nothing would be stopping you from dating her again and remarrying if it goes in a healthy direction but once you lose out on what life looks like post divorce on something like custody, it can take years to sort out. It may never be sort out depending on how massively you get screwed. Seeing a lawyer, finding out your rights, and even filing for divorce is not meant to be the coffin nail in the relationship. It's to protect you from someone who has proven to not have your best interest at heart right now and who has no problem lying to get their way.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Pennington i am still waiting for the Penny to drop in your case. I'll repeat one last time. She is screwing around.


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