# trying to cope with wife's infidelity



## sivy (Oct 13, 2011)

hi i'm new here, lookin for advice.

my story
about 4 weeks ago, my wife told me she slept with someone once, i'm trying to deal with it, last week she found out she could have bioplar. i've forgiven her for this and tried to move on from this for me and for our two kids. even though whenever she wants to go out and i tell her i feel uncomfortable with her constent going out she still does that. whenever she comes home really late from a nite out i question her bout being back so late i always feel like its my fault and i'm almost pushing her out to her friends who i feel are a bad influence. i just seem to have a constent need for her to be with me rather than going out so i'm being to needy and i know i am but i cant stop myself from doing this. i just have no idea in how to deal with this or anything, its cause me not to sleep and just worry. 

any help would be grateful


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She cheated and you have let her continue going out late with the girls ! Seriously? So she cheated, yet faced no consequences and didnt change her behavior ?

Big mistake bro. She gave up the freedom of going out when she broke her vows and cheated. 

What consequences have you imposed upon her in order for her to no be divorced and kicked out?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sivy (Oct 13, 2011)

i love her so much, i dont want to lose her, or to not see the kids everyday. i asked her to pick her friends or me. at first she choose me. then she started to go back out with them. i suppose the bioplar isnt helping the situation as i dont want her to face this on her own. i just have so many feelings i just dont know what to do for the best.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You won't keep her by indulging her charting. Bipolar or not she has to know you will not avccept her cheating or she will loose her family.

Time for you to stop accepting and to call her on her choice to cheat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sivy (Oct 13, 2011)

cheers for the advice, its just so hard in what to do.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Well here is your choice: let her continue to cheat and live in an open marriage with her, or demand she stop or else leave.

Frankly in both cases you stand to loose her, but only in the second one do you have even a chance to have any self respect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If you love her so much, why don't you let her bring her boy friend home? She might get home earlier?


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## sivy (Oct 13, 2011)

its not so easy when there's kids involved. not seeing them everyday, morning and evening would kill me.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Avtally, if she s cheating she leaves not you!

Why do men always think they are the ones to leave?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sivy (Oct 13, 2011)

cause courts always favour the mother. plus its an council house.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Look, you need to stand up and really mean it. Be the strong alpha male to keep her in line. Otherwise can you accept her cheating? Can you be her cuckokd watching the kids while she dates?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry for the sarcasim, I've been there, I know better, this sh~t sucks.
Best advice here and it worked for me....tough love, with confidence. 
Until you can stop begging for your marriage and wish your wife the best and are willing to move on, you empower her to continue.

If you want to empower your self then have the confidence that you will find another love and you will not control her and you can move on.
See it then will be her choice, to stop and do what needs to be done to keep you around. 

Don't get srewed and think you have to do the work to keep her...#1 mistake!!!! Doing this will empowering her.

#1 possible fix here is walking away with a smile on your face ... yes hard as hell but most effective, but empowering for your self.

So no cring or begging, wish her the best and and ask her to leave.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

sivy,
Your thinking to far ahead, with the kids!
Think about now and how you want your wife to view you today!


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## sivy (Oct 13, 2011)

thanks for the advice i do need to get my respect and pride back, the problem is walking out on the kids i just cant do and bottom line is i'm still crazy about her. maybe i'm worried none else would love me.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Dude its been 4 week and she still stays out b/c she has your number.
The most evil thing is having the power to manipulate someone b/c of the kids. Its so wrong, but she knows she has you as long as the kids are there. This sh~t is pur black mail.

Please empower your self and ask you wife to leave!!!!


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## sivy (Oct 13, 2011)

everytime i try and stand up and make a stand i just fold. i just want my family to be happy why is that so hard to do.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm telling you, once they see this new confident man their tune will change.
If it doesn't well then your better off.
My take is she will call your bluff and leave.
Then as soon as she breaks up with her boy friend she will be crawling back...then she will be doing the begging!!!!!


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Your fear will destroy you. Have you both been tested for STD's? Normally cheaters never tell you the full story. She realizes that clearly there are no consequences to her actions. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

If the roles were reversed, would she be so passive as you have been? Nobody and I mean nobody respects a doormat. Is it possible that she knew that she could and can cheat on you because you will do nothing. Her actions indicate that she has no respect for you whatsoever. She is still going out late at night. Why should she respect you since clearly you do not respect yourself. My guess is that this is just the tip of the iceberg. How do you know that she is not seeing her lover when she goes out?

Would you want your children to grow up and marry a spouse that so disrespects and humiliates them as your wife does you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? This will all end up very badly for you due to your fear and passivity.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You love her man, thats why...but does it change the fact that she has lost respect for you just b/c you always fold.


Through out the years of marriage, every time you fold she takes that much more respect from you.

Your folding is the direct result in why she stays out late and had an affiar. It all about respect and in your case the marriage is so one sided b/c of this issue.

Make sense?


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

the guy said:


> I'm telling you, once they see this new confident man their tune will change.
> If it doesn't well then your better off.
> My take is she will call your bluff and leave.
> Then as soon as she breaks up with her boy friend she will be crawling back...then she will be doing the begging!!!!!


:iagree:
sivy, you need to listen to these guys.
There are people here who have been where you are and they speak the truth.

Do you think that your kids are not going to see this as they grow up? Do you want your kids to see their Dad as a sniveling coward who gets run over by their trashy Mom?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Most likely you are being managed and labeled "controling"...correct?


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## sivy (Oct 13, 2011)

thank you for the advice. its just getting past that fear of losing everything i have. i know that i have to stand up for myself and take a stand its just doing it. my main problem is that i love her so much that regardless i want to be with her, i know that makes me a doormat i'm not use to being anything else.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

sivy said:


> thanks for the advice i do need to get my respect and pride back, the problem is walking out on the kids i just cant do and bottom line is i'm still crazy about her. maybe i'm worried none else would love me.


To keep the kids you have to make a stand. Otherwise you are going to be gone while another takes your place. That simple.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Don't negotiate with her, don't raise you voice, and don't threaten her. Just tell her like it s. She stops going out, she commits to the marriage, and no more cheating. She cheats she is out of the family. It's nit a threat, it is the consequence of her leaving the family to cheat. If she wants to go out for fun, she goes with you, her husband. No negotiation, it's all just facts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sivy (Oct 13, 2011)

the guy said:


> Most likely you are being managed and labeled "controling"...correct?


bingo, she said if i tried to control her i'd push her away even more.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

sivy said:


> thank you for the advice. its just getting past that fear of losing everything i have. i know that i have to stand up for myself and take a stand its just doing it. my main problem is that i love her so much that regardless i want to be with her, i know that makes me a doormat i'm not use to being anything else.


You being such a wimp is what is pushing her to other men. She cannot stand it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

sivy said:


> bingo, she said if i tried to control her i'd push her away even more.


Yeah, total lie on her part. In fact to not stand up to her, is what drives her away since she has no respect if you don't stand up to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I think Entropy made a great point so I will repeat it:

To keep the kids you have to make a stand. Otherwise you are going to be gone while another takes your place. That simple.

You love someone who humiliates and disrespects you and you are used to being a doormat. How are you going to feel when she finds someone else and moves him in the home while you get kicked out?

You think you are feeling sad now. Wait until you lost everything because of your passivity and lack of self-respect. Nobody can help you but you. Making excuses will not help . Time is running out for you only you are too blind to see it.


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## sivy (Oct 13, 2011)

thanks for all of this. its very much appreciated.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Now we're getting some were....

The new sivy, should ask her to leave= she never wants to be haome any way.

Asking her to leave will let her know that you now have the confidence to move on with out her. 

Mrs. sivy will want to know why you want her to leave and the new sivy will calmly tell her you now longer will tolorate her behavior (staying out late). Then bamb you get the "controling"..


Thats when you you calmly tell her that you will not control her and she has the choice to do what ever she pleases, and with whom ever she pleases, but you will not stay married to her and that she has the choice, just like you have to choice to stay married or not and you are making the choice to to ask her to leave and not come back.

Most likely she will leave and tell you she will be back, thats is when you tell her you consider this abandoning the marriage and that you consider this one of her choice to not stay married and while she is gone you will back her thing and then ask her where she wants them....

Again it her choice to stay in the marriage and be home with you or her choice to leave the marriage and go out. You will help her if she wants to leave by helping her back.


Again... calmly , with indiferrence and with confidence.


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## sivy (Oct 13, 2011)

thats some really good advice. thank you


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## sivy (Oct 13, 2011)

more than likely i'll be on here again


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Bewarned, She could call your bluff, so make damb sure you are ready to play hardball or continue to share your wife.

So most likely when she leaves....start packing. I guess if she doesn't tell you were she wants her stuff, do you have some were to ......at the very least drop off her cloths? Her parents would be the best place, or the boyfriends house.


Are you protecting your self finacialy or are you also paying for her to party and have a boy friend?

Thats the next step, b/c if she has really and completely stepped out of the marrriage, then protect your dough.


One more thing here.....does she even want to stay married to you?


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## sivy (Oct 13, 2011)

i think so, she still says she loves me loads, always saying sorry for the one night stand.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Becareful, Its nice to love a man that provides secerity and stability, and then also love a different man that provides excitement and an exscape from reality......

We call it cake eating...as long as the two don't collide then your wife has it made.


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## sivy (Oct 13, 2011)

i suppose so. i provide the stabilty and the going out provides the excape from reality. give me up loses the stability.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Lets say for the sake of arguement , that she does love (even though your not exactly sure she wants to stay married) and is sorry. She is not doing the heavy lifting to keep the new sivy around.

#1 she still goes out all night and and is capable of cheating, and is sorry she had to tell you before someone else did. I still doubt there is any remorse, that would help her stay married to the new sivy!!!!


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## sivy (Oct 13, 2011)

I do see the remorse from her face. Its just that she never listens to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm telling brother, my wifes life style was simular, and there is only one thing going on when our chicks are out...and that is they are getting loads of attention and they loves it.

Maybe some dancing and some kissing, and it is for sure a party = ONS when they come home after 4/5:00 AM.......


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Remorse has more to do with actions then facial expressions!!!!

Respect is commanded,,,, You have let her get away with not listening b/c she has black mailed you with the kids and the marriage and has no reseason to listen to what you have to say much less respect what is said.

You will alway be around...she knows it.

I think the new sivy should show her different.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

" giving me up loses the stability"

Empowering realization isn't it?

So my friend she does not hold all the cards does she????

Stay focused , this could all change around and Mrs. sivy could see the error of her ways.

But if she continues she will be making the *choice * to do so, not you it will be her that not only loses her stability but her marriage and her family.


You have every right to not tololate her behavior, its unhealthy for the marriage and it will be her that breaks it all up.


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## sivy (Oct 13, 2011)

Thanks for all this. Im going to try not being a doormat. Its just going to be hard to change
who i am to somethin new.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

sivy,

It is apparent that she is manipulating you. This will not change until you take a firm stand. 

I would suspect that she will use any means necessary to get what she wants out of you.

I know its hard, having the fear of losing the future that you thought you would have...is almost paralyzing. 

Understand that your reality has changed...and until you come to grips with this your wife will continue to treat you like a nobody. You might be able to hold onto this relationship in it's present form for quite some time... because of the kids. Yet, eventually the kids will grow up and move away and you will be 20 years older still stuck with a wife who does not respect you.


YOU CAN CHANGE! Take charge of you inner self and lay down the law. Do not allow yourself to be the doormat that she has become so accustomed to. You will never "lose" you kids...you are their father...set the example..would you want one of your children to be in this predicament when they are married? I don't think so.


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## sivy (Oct 13, 2011)

Its just going to be hard to change and stick with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

sivy said:


> Its just going to be hard to change and stick with it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We all know that Sivy  Saying it easier than doing it. 

Just get through one hour, one day, one week at a time. 
*You will make it.*
The faster you move the less pain you will suffer.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

And you have a lot of help here. USE IT just as you have in this thread.

Good Luck, sivy.
Be strong, stand tall, be a MAN!


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

sivy said:


> about 4 weeks ago, my wife told me she slept with someone once, i'm trying to deal with it, last week she found out she could have bioplar.
> 
> i just have no idea in how to deal with this or anything, its cause me not to sleep and just worry.
> 
> any help would be grateful



OK. She was the one who told you. You didn't find out through snooping or catching her in the act. That's kind of good; she owned up to it. But...you forgave her too easily. She has to know that this isn't acceptable. What if, in telling you about the affair, she was hoping you'd help her not do it any more by expressing that it was unacceptable to you. If there are no consequences, why would she stop?

She's going out again with friends who are probably a bad influence. Well, you can be fairly certain what she's up to if she's done this before. You guys should discuss which of those friendships are damaging to your marriage and which ones are healthy. Maybe, if she can learn boundaries here she might be less likely to cheat. Again, though, she needs to know there are consequences. You can't let her off the hook.

Since there is a situation here involving a psychiatric diagnosis -- have you gone to counseling together? This would be a great idea. People who have been diagnosed as bipolar do have a lot of adjusting to do and so do those that love them. The best thing for you would be to go to counseling together and try to work things out to strengthen what you have.

I honestly think it's a good sign that she fessed up without you catching her. Establish consequences and schedule counseling. If you ignore the problem and don't try to communicate properly, it's never going to work and you're going to be stuck at home while your wife is dating other guys.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Yeah, total lie on her part. In fact to not stand up to her, is what drives her away since she has no respect if you don't stand up to her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

If she believes that you love her and want her and refuse to share her with someone else, then she is less likely to seek a thrill that is less valuable. 

It's hard to hear, but, you are enabling her disrespectful behavior and teaching her to treat you like dirt. As she is still living with you, tell her that you won't stand for her infidelity and that if she doesn't change, she's out the door. Does she have family who could help you talk to her? It doesn't always help, but sometimes a close family member might be able to talk some sense into a wayward spouse (I wish that had worked with mine, but he's lost to the fog).


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## sivy (Oct 13, 2011)

Thanks for all of this support
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sivy (Oct 13, 2011)

All of this has made me think stright but also confussed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

take it from someone who is bipolar-


being bipolar does NOT mean you lose sight of the difference between right and wrong
being bipolar does NOT mean you lose the responsibilities and consequences that come with your poor decisions
being bipolar is NOT an excuse for inappropriate behavior


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

sivy,

I'm going to give you a wake up call. *Your wife is free to divorce you at any time she pleases and there is nothing you can do about it.* Once you make peace with this FACT you will loose your fear of divorce. Chances are she is more scared of divorce than you are because she knows that even if she gets custody, child support and some alimony, it won't be enough and it will cramp her lifestyle. 

Tell you what. The next time she plans on going out with her friends and comes home way late, do the same yourself the following day. You don't have to go out and party like she does but simply stay the night at a hotel/motel watching TV and return the following day, she won't know the difference and her imagination will drive her crazy that you might be having a revenge affair. More than often, cheaters DO NOT want their betrayed spouse to do the same things they do. It will give her a taste of her own medicine which she has more than coming.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

sivy said:


> I do see the remorse from her face. Its just that she never listens to me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If she had remorse she would not continue her behavior. She just knows how to manipulate you.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Your confused because you are doing something against your nature. Do what guy says. You want her love but you don't get it without her respect. Love cannot live without respect. And every time that you perform your needy, love me, oh you can go out again, you are actually draining away her love. You think you need her love. No you need her respect. The weaker you are the faster she will be gone. But its up to you. Remember, courage is not the absence of fear. Its the control of it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

sivy said:


> Thanks for all this. Im going to try not being a doormat. Its just going to be hard to change
> who i am to somethin new.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Life is hard. Those that can handle it survive. Those that cannot answer the call do not. Your choice. Frankly I could not handle being cukolded.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

sivy said:


> Its just going to be hard to change and stick with it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is it not hard to watch your woman go out the door knowing that she is giving herself to other men? 

Is it not hard to see that she is replacing you? 

Is it not hard that you will not be able to be there for your kids because you are being replaced?

To me it would be hard to accept anything like this. I am just encouraging you that what is hardest is to accept what is going on. If you start changing your mindset in this direction you will be able to act. It is called an affirmation. 

It is a mental trick to promote change within oneself. Instead of saying that it is not like you to confront, it is better to tell yourself that is is not like you to accept this behavior from her. Then oit becomes hard not to act. It is in your head.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

I'm sure this is redundant but here goes anyway. 

One thing though, it's never just a ONS, odds are it's happened a few times. They ALWAYS say it was just once (and usually they were drinking). 



sivy said:


> thanks for the advice i do need to get my respect and pride back, the problem is walking out on the kids i just cant do and bottom line is i'm still crazy about her. maybe *i'm worried none else would love me*.


Everyone thinks this and everyone is wrong. There is ALWAYS someone else and you can always do better. You need to understand you don't need anyone and you don't need to be love by someone else anyway. You do need to love yourself because in the end, you are all that you have.



sivy said:


> i love her so much, i dont want to lose her, or to not see the kids everyday. i asked her to pick her friends or me. at first she choose me. then she started to go back out with them. i suppose the bioplar isnt helping the situation as i dont want her to face this on her own. i just have so many feelings i just dont know what to do for the best.


Don't let fear dictate your actions. The fear is irrational and the act of standing up for yourself which you think will make her leave will actaully turn the tables in your favor.

The person that cares the least about the relationship (in this case her), controls it. If she thought you had one foot out the door and didn't want her anymore she would be begging you to stay.



sivy said:


> I do see the remorse from her face. Its just that she never listens to me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Of course not, she doesn't respect you because you became a doormat. She has no fear of you do anything about her behavior so she is not motivated to change. 



sivy said:


> bingo, she said if i tried to control her i'd push her away even more.


This is her trying to manipulate you. She is afraid if you do take control (not of her, of yourself) you will take control of the relationship.

Telling her not to do this or that will make her rebellious, you have to make her want to change. 

You have to change YOU, not her. She will change to adapt to the new you and she will fight/threaten you when you start taking a stand but that's because she fears losing control. She walks all over you because you let her, find some self respect and understand you will be fine without her in your life then things will change for you for the better.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

sivy, listen to all the great advice being given here. I certainly this doesn't turn into one of those mega threads, which usually happens when the BS lives in fear and cannot make a stand for himself/herself.


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