# How long?



## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

If your spouse showed signs of cheating on you, you saw all the red flags, he/she denied and accused you of being controlling, and this goes on more than once in your marriage, how long does it take you to get over it or do you ever get over it?


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

anony2 said:


> If your spouse showed signs of cheating on you, you saw all the red flags, he/she denied and accused you of being controlling, and this goes on more than once in your marriage, how long does it take you to get over it or do you ever get over it?


Sadly you don't get over it. What many do is to face the reality of the situation and get out of the marriage. Sure you can confront. Sure you can try MC, but in the long run in takes two to make a marriage and if the other person has no intention of making you the most important person in his/her life, then the marriage has no chance.


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

If you notice red flags and YOUR GUTS say that something is going on, you should do investigation.
Once you get the results, you can decide. Dont live in suspicion.


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

The problem is this -- the behavior that is REALLY EFFECTIVE if your spouse if cheating? Is also really destructive if your spouse is not.

I don't know. I guess you need better info -- or better communication.


----------



## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

lamaga said:


> The problem is this -- the behavior that is REALLY EFFECTIVE if your spouse if cheating? Is also really destructive if your spouse is not.
> 
> I don't know. I guess you need better info -- or better communication.


Cheaters, in general, do not communicate, especially info re their cheating. They lie about this stuff, virtually always.
So, I agree, he needs better intelligence/spying.


----------



## LeighRichwood (Mar 31, 2012)

I 100% believe that the investigation is key. I think it's vitally important to have hard evidence to present to the cheating spouse and that you should never confront without the evidence. The reason for this is that cheaters always lie and they always deny. Confronting with suspicions alone will only make the situation worse.

You should never allow your spouse to get away with an affair by just ignoring and moving on. It's destructive to you and your marriage. Find out the truth, and then deal with the issues.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

LeighRichwood said:


> I 100% believe that the investigation is key. I think it's vitally important to have hard evidence to present to the cheating spouse and that you should never confront without the evidence. The reason for this is that cheaters always lie and they always deny. Confronting with suspicions alone will only make the situation worse.
> 
> You should never allow your spouse to get away with an affair by just ignoring and moving on. It's destructive to you and your marriage. Find out the truth, and then deal with the issues.


I do not have statistics but exposure with evidence worked for me and that is the advice I got here. It ended the A almost immediately. I only wish I would have done it when my wife had her EA in 2010. I kept it between the two of us for almost 9 months. When it did come out the person telling the story was not stable so it did not have any positive results and only made my wife mad.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Cheaters lie a lot, and they deny, deny, deny. Non-cheaters would also deny an accusation since, of course, they aren't cheating. 

Cheaters lie so well that it's hard to know they're lying. Non-cheaters don't know how to reassure you while defending themselves from unfounded accusation so they often make things worse.

Once you start seeing red flags and start suspecting your spouse of cheating, there is no way to just "get over it". There is something destructive going on in your marriage, even if it turns out s/he isn't actually cheating.


----------



## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

Your question illustrates why cheaters should own up. Its not what your spouse did, it's what your spouse does now. Some of us can get over something and some can't. A couple can't fix or heal something that one partner won't even recognize. 

If your gut is twisted in knots, it's because you question the most basic which is: Does my spouse love, honor and cherish and keep only me to himself/herself?

When you can answer that with "yes", you won't be hyper vigilant.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

