# Stupid stupid stupid



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Yes, another rant. But I am so angry! I'm kicking myself. Beyond stupid of me. I did something so insane, something so absurd that it defies all logic. I should win the idiot of the year award for this one.

I allowed myself to hope.

Guess what? New guy is another slimeweasel crap sack cheater. I found this out about an hour ago. He does not know I know yet. I will be dumping him in the morning. I'm not sure what to say to him yet. I believed he genuinely liked me. I actually believed there was a guy out there who would prove me wrong about all other men. :banghead: Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Angry part done, now the part where I break down and cry....why? I mean, just why? Why have I never been worth it? Why have I never mattered? 

And no, no more dating for me. No more anything for me. Life hates me. It's over.


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## SIP (Jul 27, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> Yes, another rant. But I am so angry! I'm kicking myself. Beyond stupid of me. I did something so insane, something so absurd that it defies all logic. I should win the idiot of the year award for this one.
> 
> I allowed myself to hope.
> 
> ...


Wow ... So sorry you have to deal with it again. But you are worth it, those jerks just aren't worth you! Trust me you matter and one day the right MAN, not a selfish jerk, will come along and appreciate everything you are and you won't have to worry about betrayal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I'm so sorry honey!!!! It's going to take time, but don't beat yourself up... No one here can really blame you for wanting goodness and happiness after all you've been through.

Keep your chin up, sweetie. You are far far beyond what he deserves. There are nice, good men out there. I promise!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Apple there is nothing at all wrong with you, it's your picker. When I read your post about your relationship with this guy I could sense trouble because you did not adequately vet him and make sure he was good enough for you. 

Yes there is someone for you more than one someone's but you have to first take some time to heal yourself and recognize you value. Right now it is too soon for you to get into a serious relationship because you will attract men who are like your husband. You let your husband define you for many years, you have to shake off that pall and define yourself. 

Why because somehow you are giving off signals that attract men who have no substance. I think it may be because you are too nice, you tolerate bad behavior and you give too much. The men you attract are the ones that are takers and decievers. Every woman meets these men but they toss them aside as bad material within one date. You keep seeing them because you don't know what to look for in a man. 

Take a 6 month sabbatical - date but nothing serious no emotional attachments no sex - go out for a few dates and observe. You'll get the guys who will try to get sex on the first date, some will wait to reveal their agenda and some will want to get to know you. The ones who are worthless throw out. The respectful one continue to see until it runs down.

By dating a variety of men with no expectation of any love connection, you get to see what they are like. See if they balk at paying for a date, want you to come over to watch a movie, only see you on a tuesday night. 

While you are at it, read a book by Steave Harvey "Act like a lady and think like a man". Let us be your relationship coaches. Tell us all about the men we will coach about what to ask and how to interpret their behavior. 

Don't be in a hurry, remember the race does not always go to the swiftest. You are not in a race with your husband. You are in a whole other relm that is as far away from him as can be. You could also do with short term intensive cognitive therapy. For some reason you are picking deceptive men you need to find out why. 

You also put up with too much sh!t from men. You need to develope youtpr inner beotch. Men are not difficult to figure out or to handle. The thing to remember is there is more where tgat came from. Some woman buy the myth of scarcity and think that they can't let go of a loser because there is no one else. That is BS. Loser men put that out to control women. 

You need to know how to meet men, where to meet them to decrease the chances of meeting losers and how to recognize losers. You can do it have faith and let us help OK?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Excellent post, Catherine. All the things I wanted to say but couldn't articulate with tact and grace... I wish someone had given me this support so many years ago... But it's never to late to read these wise words. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Take a 6 month sabbatical - date but nothing serious no emotional attachments no sex - go out for a few dates and observe. You'll get the guys who will try to get sex on the first date, some will wait to reveal their agenda and some will want to get to know you. The ones who are worthless throw out. The respectful one continue to see until it runs down.
> 
> By dating a variety of men with no expectation of any love connection, you get to see what they are like. See if they balk at paying for a date, want you to come over to watch a movie, only see you on a tuesday night.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Apple, do you remember that thread I started many months ago about rebound relationships? How they often end up bad? 

When I divorced my wife, it took me almost a year before I was well enough to date other women. I did so not with the intention of starting another committed relationship but to have a non-sexual good time. 

I didn't loose my trust in women, but I certainly lost trust in my judgement in selecting a good one.

Apple, a good man is more than willing to wait to become sexually intimate with a good woman. The bad ones are not.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Oh Apple, don't go calling yourself useless.
You are a high calibre lass and everyone who has gotten to know you on here will agree.
Follow the advice and take a time out.
When I split with my ex GF all those years ago I - like Mori - took a year before I was wanting to develop a relationship. And should I decide to D my wife, I assure you I'll be waiting again before I start out looking.
Take your time and take care of your self.
You ARE a high value character - please believe that.


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

I'm so tempted to start a dating website with the pre-requisite being you must have been married, and you must have been betrayed. 

Imagine knowing any person you dated would do anything to avoid the pain and suffering of an affair, would be constantly thinking of your needs, and would strive for a ruthlessly honest relationship.

I think it's a winner...


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

apple:
I have been asked out by several men in the last 3 months and my answer has always been no, I'm not ready. I even had one that stalked me in my morning and evening walks and asked me for a date. Red flag: no stalkers please. Now I got a text from another who I dated once (in retaliation it went nowhere), he's a doctor, nice and he wanted hugs and kisses on that first meeting. Red flag.

I elected for the first time not to rebound. It's very hard. But my past marriage taught me to listen to the inner voice and watch the red flags. If I hadn't done this, this time alone, I would be regretting the dating. I know this of myself. I would have picked the same type because that is what I am used to.

Go slow, heal and listen to your inner voice, it does not lie.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

I am so sorry Apple. Really. Really sorry.


Living with hope is something that I, and perhaps you, are guilty of but, you know, it is not a crime to believe in people. It is not a crime to think the best of people. 
If you are guilty of anything it is optimism in life. Please my dear friend do not lose that. It is too precious to allow a purpamaximus to take it away from you.

We all here have lost hope in people. We all lose hope because as the famous quote goes. 
"Betrayal is the willful destruction of hope."


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I talked to him this morning, and I think I may have jumped the gun on something, and I completely panicked which cause me to freak out. I may have taken what was really nothing and blew it way out of porportion......*bangs my head against the wall*

I found myself unwittingly developing feelings for him and I did not want that to happen to me, and it scared the bejeezus right out of me. I have to take back saying he is another slimeweasel crap sack cheater. I freaked out over something I saw and rather than simply inquire about it, I freaked out. I did not yell at him but I still probably approached it the wrong way. He was nice and patient with me, he explained everything, he held nothing back. He was very transparent with answering all my questions. And now I've probably scared away the one guy who could have been good for me.
Gee, thanks Asshat ex husband for ruining me for everyone.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Your reaction us telling you something - you really need to allow yourself time to get over what you've been through. I know it's hard, but you may see your ex's ruthlessness in every man until you deal with it. I was like this with my husband at first... Never trusting, always paranoid... I never really dealt with the abuse I'd been through, and my poor husband was often left to deal with the wreck I was then... Thankfully he was kind and understanding, but now I think he has this image of me being crazy burned into his mind. I was for a good while, and so will you... So take it slow and work on loving yourself, sweetie. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You're human, you've endured one of the most painful experiences a human being can possibly experience. Your reaction is totally understandable. Nevertheless, you may want to consider slowing down things a bit with this new man. There is still a lot you have to know about him, so it's best to guard your heart.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Ease up on yourself. He knows what you have been through. He would not answer all of the questions you had if he didn't still have an interest in you. You know that. He was showing you that he's not your ex, he's the one that presently cares for you.

Talk to him. Apologize if you feel the need. He will understand. Then get back to dating him. 

Do it!!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> crap sack cheater. I found this out about an hour ago. He does not know I know yet. I will be dumping him in the morning. I'm not sure what to say to him yet.


I wouold tell him straight up what you know.. Call him out on his cheating ways and what you found outl.

WHen he calls say "X, it's best you do not call me again because I found out ABC. That doesn't work with me and it does not fit in my life. Goodbye.l"

Hang up and don'dt answer when he calls.

Apple, you just got divorced recently. I don't see why you feel the need to date/rush into anothe rrelationship. In fact, I have no idea how anyone goes from a MARRIAGE to dating/new relationship so fast. I am not calling YOU out specifically, I am just saying in general, I cannot at all understand/fathom it. 

Take some time to heal. You are not over your marriage/divorce/the trauma.

Get some IC for yourself, learn to love yourself, learn to kick the a$$holes away once they f-ck up the first time and be a good mom to your kids.

You will be fine. YOu just need to believe it first. 

KWIM?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok I just read your update.
What did you read that you overreacted by? 
Girl, take your time. Go slowly. No need to rush!


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

It almost seems like you are afraid of being on your own for awhile. You need to work on you. You've been through so much. I too don't understand why it seems you feel such urgency to get involved so quickly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I wouold tell him straight up what you know.. Call him out on his cheating ways and what you found outl.
> 
> WHen he calls say "X, it's best you do not call me again because I found out ABC. That doesn't work with me and it does not fit in my life. Goodbye.l"
> 
> ...


What does KWIM stand for?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> What does KWIM stand for?


Wondering the same thing... LoL 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

What does KWIM mean? - KWIM Definition - Meaning of KWIM - InternetSlang.com


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> It almost seems like you are afraid of being on your own for awhile. You need to work on you. You've been through so much. I too don't understand why it seems you feel such urgency to get involved so quickly.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Word up. Andd Hi, Pidge! ::waves: It's been awhile!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I feel like my head is in a vice and my stomach is in knots. I'm sitting here shaking. Is this what a real anxiety attack is like? My chest is tight and I even feel a bit dizzy. I'm supposed to be writing a paper and I can't focus on it at all.

I don't know what I want, or what I'm doing, or where I'm headed. I don't know why I feel so determined to have that one thing rather than just being content with life.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Ok I just read your update.
> What did you read that you overreacted by?
> Girl, take your time. Go slowly. No need to rush!


I saw that he still had a dating profile up, and that bothered me. It probably should not have had because we've not gone exclusive with each other but it did trigger me and all I saw was "cheating, cheating, cheating and more cheating"
Now, while most people keep their options open during the dating stage because dating is about discovery and discovering different people out there, it still bothered me that he had it out there. But he took the time to explain things to me. He did not try to deny anything, or hide anything, or make excuses for anything. He was very open.

Now I look like the stupid girl who was trying to move too fast. Ugh.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Word up. Andd Hi, Pidge! ::waves: It's been awhile!


Hi JB!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Apple, don't beat yourself up about this.
You're probably very vulnerable now and that is easy for predators to pick up on.
While I am not in your situation, I think it may be best to wait a while before starting another relationship. Get your head in the right place first.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

There are some good and decent and loyal men out there.
Granted, you often can't tell them by appearance. Mostly, you have to be open that they are there somewhere.
Granted, there are plenty of slimes to make it difficult to wade through.

I liken it to anything else. Assume out of 100 guys, one is right for you and decent. Just know that as you go along.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I'm scared. I am really, really scared.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Fear ain't the answer, Apple. Go SLOW.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

the title reminds of a scene of what is considered to be the worst movie ever made

Plan 9: Your Stupid Minds! - YouTube


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

No reason to be scared. You are using your knowledge to protect yourself. That's not fear. It only becomes a problem when the knowledge prevents you from action. 

So what's your plan now? You have helped so many here on this board, we care and want you to find happiness.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

KWIM = Know what I mean

Yes my 16 year old niece has taught me a LOT of useless information/acronyms (but they are very good for shorthand)


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> I
> Now I look like the stupid girl who was trying to move too fast. Ugh.


LOL... Apple. I did the same thing. Because you have been in a committed relationship for a very long time you tend to think that your new BF will expect you to commit and be serious. He doesn't and you shouldn't feel that way either. Keep on popping into your head though iI bet.

I am very lucky in that my GF has been a BS twice and a DS. It gives her perspective.. She just says.
"You can give as much as you can give. There will be times when you need some "me" time and that is okay. There are times when you will just want to forget it all and go and be single. That is okay too. Your hurt and I know that. I don't expect anymore . "


Go GLACIAL Apple. Talk to him about it. It is a ll part of a new relationship which you haven't been in for some time! 

Anxiety attacks.
Fun aren't they. Are you seeing a counselor?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

ing said:


> LOL... Apple. I did the same thing. Because you have been in a committed relationship for a very long time you tend to think that your new BF will expect you to commit and be serious. He doesn't and you shouldn't feel that way either. Keep on popping into your head though iI bet.
> 
> I am very lucky in that my GF has been a BS twice and a DS. It gives her perspective.. She just says.
> "You can give as much as you can give. There will be times when you need some "me" time and that is okay. There are times when you will just want to forget it all and go and be single. That is okay too. Your hurt and I know that. I don't expect anymore . "
> ...


I have never before had an attack to that extreme before. I almost took myself to the hospital it got so bad.
I have talked to him about things. We talked for a good, long time. I tried to explain myself the best I could but I don't know if he will want to see me again. He's not mad at me he told me but my reaction to the situation was completely wrong, and I wish I could take it all back and go back to the way things were. Things were going good, but when I saw that he still had that dating profile up, I triggered something hard. It was late at night when I found it and I wouldn't have the chance to talk to him until morning, so that gave me the entire night to stew on things, and run through a 101 of the worst possible outcomes. I did not once think rationally about it. And then when I did call him that morning, I became accusatory rather than simply inquiring.
Things were going very good between us. I've never before in my life have someone give me as much attention as he gave me, not even the Asshat I lived with for 15 years gave me this level of attention and affection. I haven't been able to stop kicking myself for being so stupid!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ing said:


> *Go GLACIAL *Apple.


Haha. I love this. I'm gonna start saying it all the time.

GO GLACIAL!


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