# Don't want sex when he's been drinking



## Becka (Mar 15, 2017)

Hello lovely forum peeps. This is my first post, though I have been reading the awesome advice on here for some time now. I was hoping to call on that advice now.

So... I enjoy sex 3 or 4 times a week but find it repugnant when my husband has been drinking. I hate the smell of alcohol on his breath and it is a deal breaker for me for physical intimacy. 

I have told him this and it feels like he's making the choice between beer and sex at the moment which makes me feel rejected. This can result in only one time per week which isn't enough and leaves me frustrated and cross. 

Some of you might suggest me having a drink with him to offset the smell but I have to get up super early for work and even 1 drink makes me feel horrid in the morning. I have had a drink on a work night before now because I'd like to be intimate with him but I always regret it.

I bath and shave my legs every night, put on a nice dress. I even bought erotic underwear recently and wear that under my dress so it's clear I'd like to get it on. I thought this would entice him away from the fridge and towards me but it's not working!

It's getting to the point where I'll spend the evening feeing anger as soon as he opens the first can which ruins our evening together. I've just been deciding to go to bed earlier than normal to avoid this situation.

So I'd like to tap into your collective wisdom about these questions:
1. Am I being mean for thinking/ feeling this way?
2. Do you think he is drinking to deliberately not have sex with me?
3. How can I get him not to drink so we can be intimate instead?
4. Any other suggestions or advice appreciated!


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

I'm not sure about your specific questions but when someone is heading towards a drink problem their priorities become very skewed. 

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all - I have given up/cut down on drink to please my husband because he had an issue with sex and alcohol (i.e he thought I needed to be tipsy to have sex). Having these conversations made cutting down on the booze easy - because he was my priority. 

Saying that, I don't think you should take it personally - its not about you - its about him enjoying drinking because it makes him relaxed. Are there some stressful issues in his life that he needs to address? Does he struggle to sleep?


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Becka said:


> So I'd like to tap into your collective wisdom about these questions:
> 1. Am I being mean for thinking/ feeling this way? No, you should never have sex when you're turned OFF- this can create an aversion to sex with him at other times.
> 2. Do you think he is drinking to deliberately not have sex with me? Hard to say- how many beers does he drink and how often? How old and how long have you two been married?
> 3. How can I get him not to drink so we can be intimate instead? "Honey, I don't want to have sex with you when you've been drinking. Please don't drink so we can have fun together."
> 4. Any other suggestions or advice appreciated!


 It's obvious that your husband's drinking bothers you. In marriage, we should care enough about our spouse to not do things that bother them. If your issue is drinking anything at all ever, then maybe set boundaries, like "It would mean a lot to me if you'd refrain from drinking at least 3xs a week when we're intimate." If he's excessively drinking (more than 4 a night), you might have to take a more rigid stance. "Anytime you drink more than 3-4 beers, I will leave the home and stay in a hotel with our children."


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Is it only the smell you don't like? If that's all it is, ask him to brush his teeth/use mouthwash. Problem solved


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Is there a third option? It seems to me that this is about a smell. And I get that. There are smells that I don't like enough to keep me away. But isn't there a way for him to have a drink of relaxant and not smell bad? Another kind of alcohol? A oral hygiene regimen? I ask this because I'm not an imbiber and have no experience with this.


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

Was a parent an alcoholic and perhaps this is triggering a memory? It does for me.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I think he's an alcoholic.

He probably thinks he's in a power struggle with you. Which is probably just as bad.

Personally I suggest you go to the bedroom and masturbate every time he grabs a beer. When he notices, and tries to have sex with you, tell him no, he chose the beer, so he can go drink his beer while you have fun. Do that every night he chooses a beer.

Hey, let's hope it's a power struggle thing. I hope he's not an alcoholic.

It's just an off the wall suggestion. Sometimes you need to think outside the box.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

I refuse to have sex with my husband when he's drinking. I totally get it. 

How much and how often does he drink? That may be the bigger issue. 

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## Becka (Mar 15, 2017)

Thank you for your comments so far.

I do find I can still smell the alcohol quite strongly even when he does brush his teeth and use mouthwash. I guess in addition to the smell I find repulsive, the effects of him having a drink is that he's less coordinated and he is just... different when we are intimate. 

My grandfather was an alcoholic, he died when I was 12. I had no idea until I was well into adulthood that he was though. There's no family history of alcoholism on his side and that isn't a worry to be honest. He works shifts so is off for 3, on for 3. It's his 3 days off work when he drinks but it's not like he's constantly drinking.

Not sure how to quite correctly but the poster who said he should want to give it up if it bothers me- I agree and I suppose that's why it irks me so much. I think we have a good marriage and it upsets me that he's not willing to sacrifice his couple of beers on my work nights when he knows sex is important to me. In his mind, Im wondering if he thinks I'm the one with the problem and I should just 'get over it'.

Someone else asked if there's stress and yes, his work is very stressful. I understand drinking to relax and if it wasn't for how it affects our intimacy, I would be fine with it.


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## Becka (Mar 15, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> I think he's an alcoholic.
> 
> He probably thinks he's in a power struggle with you. Which is probably just as bad.
> 
> ...


I think this is a good idea, thank you. I'll test it out. Thinking about it though, it might not work though because I've been going to bed and he doesn't come up until he's ready to sleep and I'm already asleep by then. If I told him this was what I was going to do, he'd think that was an invitation to join me! It would feel mean to do that.


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## Becka (Mar 15, 2017)

Jessica38 said:


> It's obvious that your husband's drinking bothers you. In marriage, we should care enough about our spouse to not do things that bother them. If your issue is drinking anything at all ever, then maybe set boundaries, like "It would mean a lot to me if you'd refrain from drinking at least 3xs a week when we're intimate." If he's excessively drinking (more than 4 a night), you might have to take a more rigid stance. "Anytime you drink more than 3-4 beers, I will leave the home and stay in a hotel with our children."


I'm 36, he's 39 and we've been married for 12 years. He has maybe 4 or 5 cans of beer, sometimes more and sometimes less but it's just about every time it's not a work night for him.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

bang him before he starts drinking!


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

4-5 every night he's not working seems excessive to me. And I wouldn't want sex with my husband after he's had 4-5 beers either.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. He's making alcohol more of a priority than your marriage.


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## Becka (Mar 15, 2017)

chillymorn69 said:


> bang him before he starts drinking!


I like your thinking! If it wasn't for the fact we have children, I'd do exactly that!


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Perhaps hint at what you are going to head upstairs to do before he gets the beer? Invite him to join you if he doesn't grab a beer? Not sure how to choose the words just right. A hint, at the right time.

It does tend to sound like a power struggle, and he is trying to break your will.

I hate to say that, but, yeah, it could be that.

I wish men weren't like that, but... we are. Silly creatures.


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## Becka (Mar 15, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> Perhaps hint at what you are going to head upstairs to do before he gets the beer? Invite him to join you if he doesn't grab a beer? Not sure how to choose the words just right. A hint, at the right time.
> 
> It does tend to sound like a power struggle, and he is trying to break your will.
> 
> ...


A couple of posters have mentioned a 'power struggle'. I'm not quite sure what that means in practice even though I understand the term- do you mean it is something a husband will do consciously or purposely to assert power/ to manipulate/ to disrespect? Or do you mean it's a 'natural' thing he's unlikely to be aware of?


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## Becka (Mar 15, 2017)

Jessica38 said:


> 4-5 every night he's not working seems excessive to me. And I wouldn't want sex with my husband after he's had 4-5 beers either.
> 
> I don't think you're being unreasonable. He's making alcohol more of a priority than your marriage.


Gosh, that's concerning. Do you really think I should be thinking about it as seriously as that? I mean, it IS an issue but I wasn't thinking that it could cost my marriage.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Becka said:


> I like your thinking! If it wasn't for the fact we have children, I'd do exactly that!


be creative >


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## ThisIsAUserName (Sep 9, 2016)

Ah hah, so we've gotten to the actual problem. It's not just beer breath that bothers you, it's the fact that it changes the way he acts, and not in a desirable way. Also, you lost your grandfather (was it the booze that killed him or just age?) which seems to scare you. I will say this, everyone is affected by alcohol differently in the mental and physical ways, and also in the overall life way. Everyone's definition of "alcoholic" is different as well. Personally, I'd say it's not the quantity of alcohol consumed that warrants alcoholism, it's the balance between booze and life. I drink several glasses of wine every single night before bed, and my lady will drink with me about 25% of the time. In so many words I'd say my life is mostly unaffected by alcohol. I don't have any booze-related regrets that I can think of either, and no one has ever said anything in the realm of "you should drink less" or that my drinking has affected them. I have to say, my lady has indicated that she actually finds booze-breath attractive, she calls it manly. I become an animal if I have a little nip before the action. 

Regardless, the problem is that the amount of alcohol he consumes regularly, it's having an undesirable (for you) result on his behavior, and you find it unattractive. I STRONGLY disagree with some of the suggestions above, such as masturbating when he drinks a beer, don't play head games like that. Communicate with your husband, it doesn't sound like you have expressed to him enough how much this affects you, he's probably completely unaware of the pattern of not having sex when he drinks. Just find a compromise, work out a solution that works for the both of you. This really doesn't sound like and probably shouldn't be this big of an issue.

Or tell him to start smoking weed.  Sex on THC is quite underrated. It's absolutely NOTHING like just being stoned, so don't go on saying "it makes me paranoid", that's from lack of tolerance and a poor set/setting. I'm serious, try it, you don't have to get BAKED out of your mind, just a little puff and hit the sack!


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Becka said:


> Hello lovely forum peeps. This is my first post, though I have been reading the awesome advice on here for some time now. I was hoping to call on that advice now.
> 
> So... I enjoy sex 3 or 4 times a week but find it repugnant when my husband has been drinking. I hate the smell of alcohol on his breath and it is a deal breaker for me for physical intimacy.
> 
> ...


So, why not initiate before he has the first beer?

My wife can't stand beer breath. She also doesn't like sex. If it's going to happen, I have to initiate, so I at least don't make the attempt after a beer...or anything else. However, in my case, attempting initiation may begin her thinking about it, which may result in action two hours later...and I'm trying to figure out how to navigate this better!!!


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Becka said:


> Gosh, that's concerning. Do you really think I should be thinking about it as seriously as that? I mean, it IS an issue but I wasn't thinking that it could cost my marriage.


I hadn't seen the quantity aspect.

There's a Federal level agency that strives to maintain standards for addictive behaviors. Some associated with substance abuse, but there are LOTS of others...for instance, more than an hour every day on Facebook, etc, is now consider an addiction.

Anyway, for alcohol:
Men:
2 drinks per day, every single day, is the max to not be considered addicted
If drinking is not every day - but maybe once to thrice per week - then 3 drinks at a sitting is considered not an addiction.
If the drinks are spread out further, maybe it's not an addiction, but spreading 4 drinks out over the course of a day seems like a formula for a low-productivity day

Women:
1 drink per day, every single day...not addicted
2 drinks at one sitting, if not drinking every day - not addicted

Sorta like men, but one less drink.

I don't know if the change between men/women is due to assumptions that women are physically smaller or if it's the differences in processing emotions that are caused by cultural conditioning.


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## ThisIsAUserName (Sep 9, 2016)

Jeez there were a lot of posts as I was writing that. This has my vote for "most over-reacted-to thread of the week". 

Power struggle? He's trying to break your will? Leave with the kids and go to a hotel? Are you guys freaking serious????

You are all enabling her anxiety. She said very plainly, it's simply a turn-off when he drinks beer, that's ALL. He's not beating her, he's not committing crimes, he's not cheating, he's not draining the bank account, he's not abusing the children, he's sitting back and having a couple brews, which simply makes her not want to have sex with him. Look at her responses after the initial post, you are SCARING HER! Look at what you're doing to her:



> Gosh, that's concerning. Do you really think I should be thinking about it as seriously as that? I mean, it IS an issue but I wasn't thinking that it could cost my marriage.


JUST TALK TO HIM. DONE. You clearly have not done enough to communicate this to him, because you even said you try dressing sexy and it doesn't work, which means you're being passive aggressive. Have an adult conversation with your husband. If he's resistant, or doesn't make the changes after your conversation, then come back and let's talk.

Ah screw it. DIVORCE! DIVORCE! DIVORCE! DIVORCE! DIVORCE! DIVORCE! DIVORCE!


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Becka said:


> A couple of posters have mentioned a 'power struggle'. I'm not quite sure what that means in practice even though I understand the term- do you mean it is something a husband will do consciously or purposely to assert power/ to manipulate/ to disrespect? Or do you mean it's a 'natural' thing he's unlikely to be aware of?


It could be either. Men do it all the time. If they are aware they are doing it, and continue to do it, it is disrespect.

It could be just on the periphery of his thoughts. You told him to stop a behavior he doesn't want to stop. It's possible he is just reacting from the gut, (beer gut?) and digging in his heels. He isn't going to give up his vice even if he knows he should in large part because he will "loose face" and thinks he looses the war between the sexes.

You probably should recommend to him that the two of you go see a counselor to try to figure out why he won't compromise with you on this. Perhaps he doesn't even realize he has gotten his back up and is digging his heels in, so to speak.

Men do this sort of crazy stuff all the time, sadly.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Becka said:


> Gosh, that's concerning. Do you really think I should be thinking about it as seriously as that? I mean, it IS an issue but I wasn't thinking that it could cost my marriage.


It will only cost you your marriage if after you clearly let your husband know that his drinking 4-5 beers a night bothers you and he continues to do it. He needs to deal with his stress like a grownup and find healthier outlets, like lifting weights, instead of escaping with beer while turning off his wife in the process. 

I'd think hard about how much alcohol you feel comfortable with (how many beers can he drink before his behavior changes and he becomes a turnoff?). Ask him to agree to limit his drinking to 3 a night. And no sex after 2 if that's your boundary.

As for power struggles, if he continues to drink 4-5 a night and it continues to effect your intimacy, he's the one forcing you to put up with this in your marriage. That's not ok.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Sometimes these types of power struggles are played out subconsciously, and all it takes is getting the person to stop and think about it to get them to change how they do things.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

If your husband is stressed from work and perhaps has a compulsive tendency towards beer to help him unwind, step back for a moment and think about that. Is there something he can do or that you can do for him to help him unwind that is just as enjoyable if not more enjoyable than beer?

This way you are not taking away his ability to self sooth and calm himself, but instead you can help him with an alternate solution. At the same time you can acknowledge his desire to unwind and try to appreciate that aspect of his personality. 

An example might be getting him a harley motorbike and encouraging him to go for a ride (if you live somewhere that it is nice for doing this outdoors) to clear his mind and get away from everything for a moment. Obviously he will know he can't drink and drive, and the thrill of riding a bike will be a great trade off for giving up the beer. 

Another example might be to substitute beer with some of his favorite candy and sodas he would have enjoyed as a child. For one of my best buds this is cheery coke and slim jims, and then we go play some video games (yes even as older folks 40+)!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Becka said:


> Gosh, that's concerning. Do you really think I should be thinking about it as seriously as that? I mean, it IS an issue but I wasn't thinking that it could cost my marriage.




4-5 beers a night is a great way to kill your liver and a very nasty way to die.


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## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

Alcoholic here...If his drinking is causing you (his wife) a problem then drinking is a problem period!....He won't think so...you may want to go to an Alanon meeting (support group for family member of Alcoholics.)... When my wife did that...it shock me....took awhile for me to realize the problem....14 sober months (only drank on weekends, snow days, vacs etc) for me and I'm never going back there...There is no specific amount of drinking that shows toy do or don't have a problem....My wife really woke me up maybe you can do the same...and I'll tell you it's not easy for anybody...

Best of luck....we are here to help get through this....


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I see a power struggle as when a couple argues about something that doesn't really matter to either, but each insists on getting their own way anyway. In this case if one of you didn't really care about drinking (or not drinking) but refused to back down anyway it would be a power struggle. *You* know how important his not drinking is to you, but you can't know how important drinking is to him. For him its the reverse.

I only worry about a "power struggle" when it is repeated over many things. When one partner seems to think *everything* is important to them. 

Assuming this is not a power struggle, and nothing you have said makes me think it is, then I think the following:

I think it is perfectly fine for you to not want sex when he has been drinking, or hasn't washed, or a variety of other *reasonable* restrictions. If alcohol before sex is really important to him, then I see two possibilities:

He might need alcohol in order to relax enough for sex. Do you think that could be the case?

He might be an alcoholic who can't do without even on the nights you are going to have sex. 

Of course it could also be a power struggle on his part that he doesn't want to give in.


The amount you describe him drinking sounds concerning to me. I'm not the best judge: I had an alcoholic mother, and have sworn off all alcohol. This gives me a biased opinion, but with that bias I think what you want is completely reasonable. 






Becka said:


> A couple of posters have mentioned a 'power struggle'. I'm not quite sure what that means in practice even though I understand the term- do you mean it is something a husband will do consciously or purposely to assert power/ to manipulate/ to disrespect? Or do you mean it's a 'natural' thing he's unlikely to be aware of?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I live with a dry drunk/recovering alcoholic

YOur H drinking seems to be excessive, he may have alcohol dependence issues
You might try and get him to go out that evening to a movie, the park, etc so drinking is not the focus (it could be a habit)
You tell him this when he is sober, how it is affecting your marriage and you are unhappy
Consider going to Al anon.
You could also move out of the bedrooms those night and tell him you will not be sleeping with him (he can choose)


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

ThisIsAUserName said:


> Jeez there were a lot of posts as I was writing that. This has my vote for "most over-reacted-to thread of the week".
> 
> Power struggle? He's trying to break your will? Leave with the kids and go to a hotel? Are you guys freaking serious????
> 
> ...


I don't think anyone is overreacting and becca is right to be concerned and frustrated.

Not enjoying sex is incredibly problematic in relationships and quickly escalates into no sex at all and then....big problems.

Not being able to give up an intoxicating substance when your nearest and dearest asks (with reasonable justification) is a huge red flag for other more serious emotional issues. This is not necessarily the early stages of alcoholism but it may be the slippery slope of losing touch with your priorities and responsibilities. And ultimately it is insulting to have your husband choose crap over you - been there and its very hurtful.


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

@Becka 

When you met did he always drink beer?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

He drinks way too much. Everyone likes to wind down and relax after a day of work... some people don't have healthy coping mechanisms like your husband. 

I wouldn't have sex with my husband if he was drinking 4-5 cans of beer a night either. But he probably thinks you are controlling or manipulating him with sex. 

Talk to him about it. That's all you can do. Maybe come to an agreement, 2 beers a night instead of 5. You need to bend too.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

make a wager with him 

bet him he can't go a month without drinking.

anybody who can't give up drinking for a month without a problem has a problem.

if he accepts make sure to try and do fun stuff without the drinking involved so he might catch on that you don't need drinks to unwind and have fun.

if he balks ask him to do it because he loves you. if he refuses then he loves beer more than you.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

If he's getting it 3 to 4 times a week, he's not going to change anything. You have to put the ole stop sign up when he's been drinking, not just do it anyway.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I'm going to be the voice of dissent here.

Sex 4 times a week? He sounds like he doesn't NEED it or WANT it times a week. That's a bit much - especially if its basically the same old same old each time. Believe it or not, that does lose it's luster after a while.

Case in point - my brother. The guy who'll take it any time, any place, any day, any hour. Thought he'd died and gone to heaven when he married a highly sexed woman who was_ just _like him - wanted it *all* the time. After a few years, the novelty wore off for him. He got tired of coming home from work finding her with a candlelight dinner on the table with 'dessert' in the bedroom, or her being dressed in a negligee ready to shower with him and then take it to the bedroom. He just grew plain tired of it after a while and started finding excuses not to come home directly from work anymore. He put in overtime, went out with friends for happy hour after work, anything to avoid going straight home.

Your husband is just doing the same thing. Except his method of choice is drinking too much beer. He knows darned well sex is off the table if he drinks - and there he sits - drinking most nights.

You do the math.


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## Becka (Mar 15, 2017)

Thank you for your responses; a really mixed bag of comments and ideas! 

I don't really want to play 'mind games' with him. It worries me that people think me dressing nicely etc are 'passive aggressive' or manipulative in some way. That's not my intention at all- I just want him to want sex more than beer and I figured that making myself as appealing as possible is a good way to encourage that. After all, if I'm slopping around in pyjamas or still wearing work clothes, it isn't going to inspire him too much!

Maybe I was misunderstood- we don't have sex 3-4 times per week, that's how much I would like. When he's drinking, it's probably once which is too little for me.

He's always enjoyed a drink but I guess in previous years, it's not been every night he's off work like it is now. If it's the weekend, I will have a drink with him and then I don't notice the strong smell on him because I've had some too. 

He does have a decent sex drive but maybe it's his age- is it likely that men in their 40s simply don't want sex as much when they get older? But then, he does still touch me and try to get me to have sex when he's had a drink.

I like the idea of making his options more explicit- but I have showered with him, given him massages, send flirty texts and so on so he does know.

I just don't know. We do have a good marriage in so many other ways!


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

Ok. So he started drinking a little more. I honestly don't think he has a drinking problem. 3-5 beers a night is nothing for a man that likes beer. If he has his priorities straight I see no issue. 

Some people's replies are correct that it's the same ol vagina. I'd be careful harping him about 3-5 beers a day. It might bite you in the ass and he'll think you're controlling him. 

*Edit*

I've change my thoughts a little. If it bothers you that bad. I guess see if he could reduce his beer intake.

1 beer = 2-3 to majority off the men I know. 

When you're married you have to compromise. I just don't know when it ends when it comes to compromising with your spouse. After years together with someone you notice little traits or habits in someone. Then all of a sudden they have to change. I don't get it. 

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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

ThisIsAUserName said:


> Ah hah, so we've gotten to the actual problem. It's not just beer breath that bothers you, it's the fact that it changes the way he acts, and not in a desirable way. Also, you lost your grandfather (was it the booze that killed him or just age?) which seems to scare you. I will say this, everyone is affected by alcohol differently in the mental and physical ways, and also in the overall life way. Everyone's definition of "alcoholic" is different as well. Personally, I'd say it's not the quantity of alcohol consumed that warrants alcoholism, it's the balance between booze and life. I drink several glasses of wine every single night before bed, and my lady will drink with me about 25% of the time. In so many words I'd say my life is mostly unaffected by alcohol. I don't have any booze-related regrets that I can think of either, and no one has ever said anything in the realm of "you should drink less" or that my drinking has affected them. I have to say, my lady has indicated that she actually finds booze-breath attractive, she calls it manly. I become an animal if I have a little nip before the action.
> 
> Regardless, the problem is that the amount of alcohol he consumes regularly, it's having an undesirable (for you) result on his behavior, and you find it unattractive. I STRONGLY disagree with some of the suggestions above, such as masturbating when he drinks a beer, don't play head games like that. Communicate with your husband, it doesn't sound like you have expressed to him enough how much this affects you, he's probably completely unaware of the pattern of not having sex when he drinks. Just find a compromise, work out a solution that works for the both of you. This really doesn't sound like and probably shouldn't be this big of an issue.
> 
> Or tell him to start smoking weed.  Sex on THC is quite underrated. It's absolutely NOTHING like just being stoned, so don't go on saying "it makes me paranoid", that's from lack of tolerance and a poor set/setting. I'm serious, try it, you don't have to get BAKED out of your mind, just a little puff and hit the sack!


Being an alcoholic doesn't mean you get rip-roaring drunk, or even get slightly tipsy. I think people often correlate "alcoholic" with _excessive_ drinking, which isn't the case.

As alcohol generally has a calming effect, it may only require 1 or 2 drinks to achieve that. But if it's the calming effect one is specifically looking for, and 1 or 2 drinks is required - you're an alcoholic, don't kid yourself.

In this particular case, OP's hubby knows the negative effects it is having on the marriage, yet continues to have a few beers anyway. Just because he doesn't drink on work nights, or drinks himself into a stupor, doesn't mean he doesn't have an addiction. What's his drinking like during vacation (holiday), when he doesn't have to work for a week or two? What's it going to be like when he's retired?

Bottom line, he knows the effect it's having on his wife, yet he chooses to go that route anyway. That's a problem.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

badsanta said:


> If your husband is stressed from work and perhaps has a compulsive tendency towards beer to help him unwind, step back for a moment and think about that. *Is there something he can do or that you can do for him to help him unwind that is just as enjoyable if not more enjoyable than beer*?


Yeah, she can bang his brains out! Oh, wait...


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

alexm said:


> Yeah, she can bang his brains out! Oh, wait...


Beer is likely about him needing to unwind AND have some personal space! So if you come home from a stressful job of dealing with people intensely all day, perhaps it is difficult to transition from that straight into your wife all up in your your face banging your brains out. Odds are the guy needs a little space to unwind. How can she help him do that without beer?

I could be wrong though!

Badsanta


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think it's interesting... in so many threads, we have men lamenting that they want more of a sex life, they'd love to have sex a few times a week with their partner. Here we have so many responses that of course he doesn't want his wife "in his face" wanting sex a few times a week...guy needs to unwind with his beer instead... isn't interested in the "same old vagina" after years together.

Wow.


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

Livvie said:


> I think it's interesting... in so many threads, we have men lamenting that they want more of a sex life, they'd love to have sex a few times a week with their partner. Here we have so many responses that of course he doesn't want his wife "in his face" wanting sex a few times a week...guy needs to unwind with his beer instead... isn't interested in the "same old vagina" after years together.
> 
> Wow.


The thing is he's different from the majority of men on this site. I guarantee that he's not searching forums on how to have a better sex life. 

By the sounds of it his appetite is full and his needs are being met by OP. Clean shaven everyday, outfits, and a wife that can't get enough. Lucky man! 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G935A using Tapatalk


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Different men, different women. 

We also don't hear much from the couples who have well matched interests in sex - they are too busy having great sex to post here.



Livvie said:


> I think it's interesting... in so many threads, we have men lamenting that they want more of a sex life, they'd love to have sex a few times a week with their partner. Here we have so many responses that of course he doesn't want his wife "in his face" wanting sex a few times a week...guy needs to unwind with his beer instead... isn't interested in the "same old vagina" after years together.
> 
> Wow.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

alexm said:


> As alcohol generally has a calming effect, it may only require 1 or 2 drinks to achieve that. But if it's the calming effect one is specifically looking for, and 1 or 2 drinks is required - you're an alcoholic, don't kid yourself.


Scuse me?? This is ridiculous. Any doctor will tell you that 1-2 drinks a day is not a problem, and may in fact help you de-stress. In fact I have had at least 3 different dr's recommend a drink or two a day for various reasons. Beer for breast milk supply, red wine for heart health, and a couple beers on a Friday night in the hot tub to help me relax.

If someone has a glass or two a day because it helps them relax they aren't an alcoholic. Especially if it improves their quality of life. We're constantly told we all carry far too much stress. Alcoholics drink to their DETRIMENT, health wise or family wise or whatever. I also wouldn't consider someone a problem drinker if they have a beer a day but their wife doesn't like it. That's the wife's problem. 

Maybe if people weren't so uptight about drinking alcohol, and told that one or two drinks a day makes them an alcoholic, they'd be healthier.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Seems like there are a lot of extreme responses/advice here.

I think you just need to sit him down and talk to him--on a day when he isn't drinking. Tell him that when he drinks, it affects his personality and it is a big sexual turn-off for you, and it's damaging the intimacy in your marriage. And drinking 4-5 beers, zoned out in front of the TV means that he's not really present in the relationship. (OK, he may not zone out in front of the TV, I may have just inferred this, but whatever he's doing while he's drinking, he's not present...) If the two of you don't work together to find a solution to this problem, it's going to become a much bigger problem in the future, and by that point it might not be fixable. Tell him you appreciate that he is stressed with work and that he needs to decompress, but he also needs to be an active participant and present in your marriage, and he can't do that if he continues to drink like this every night. Tell him you would like to find some middle ground where he has the opportunity and some outlet to relieve his stress, but you also need him present in the relationship.

I do like the "no drinking for a month" challenge, and that may be worth a shot.

If he refuses to do this--cut back the drinking and focus on the relationship--then you have a problem. That means that he values the beer more than you, and that means that he has a substance dependency problem. 

Deal with that bridge when you get there. First, talk with him and find out what the deal is. He may not recognize how much you are bothered, or how his behavior is hurting the marriage. If you don't tell him, he won't know.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I love garlic! 
My husband does not.

There is no such thing as too much garlic.
My husband disagrees.

I love the smell of garlic...very Italian family growing up.
My husband hates the smell of garlic.


After trying to find a way to have my garlic and wash, cleanse, brush teeth, gargle etc the garlic away, I realized I could have garlic to my hearts content and very little sex, or lots of sex and very little garlic.

I picked sex. 

These are the compromises marriages deal with. No couple can be perfectly compatible. No one spouse should be the one demanding a compromise or trade off all the time.

Have you asked your husband why he drinks beer when he knows you hate the smell and the effects? 
Have you asked him if he feels like you're trying to control him?
Have you asked him how often he wants to have sex, ideally?

Are you certain that the problem is that you are not having enough sex? 
Are you sure the problem is not that you don't want him to drink as much or as often? 

If he drank wine or fireball shots (or something that doesn't have the beer smell you find offensive) would you react to the smell the way you do with beer?

I think you need to be absolutely certain which point is the real problem. 
His drinking or the lack of sex.

I suspect you're really beginning to react to his drinking and it is his drinking that is the problem.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

garlic or sex........thats a tough one

but i think sex would be my pick.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

ZedZ said:


> Alcoholic here...If his drinking is causing you (his wife) a problem then drinking is a problem period!....He won't think so...you may want to go to an Alanon meeting (support group for family member of Alcoholics.)... When my wife did that...it shock me....took awhile for me to realize the problem....14 sober months (only drank on weekends, snow days, vacs etc) for me and I'm never going back there...There is no specific amount of drinking that shows toy do or don't have a problem....My wife really woke me up maybe you can do the same...and I'll tell you it's not easy for anybody...
> 
> Best of luck....we are here to help get through this....


Not to encourage excessive drinking, but this is not quite psychologically sound. There are two people in the equation. It is quite possible for someone to be overly sensitive - in fact, in the USA, this is the fastest-growing psychological problem in adults! 

My wife has developed a belief that substances are the end-all and be-all for every problem...if she gets the sniffles, she doesn't wonder what's in bloom outside, she wonders what she ate that caused it. If she's upset at things that happened at work, she tries to figure out what food caused this reaction. So, when she looks back over our years together, she observes two things - that at a few social events, she did not like my behavior. And, at a few social events, I had a beer or glass of wine. Now, I don't think there was a problem with my behavior, and in one case I asked the other person involved who said "Oh, I was drunk and out of line. There was nothing wrong with you getting up when I was mid-sentence and leaving, it's probably the best you could have done." On the cases that I recall, the evenings in which she thinks my behavior was inappropriate didn't happen to be the same evenings when I had a drink. However, her insistence that all issues stem from something that one ingests leads her to be incapable of believing anything else. It's not possible that she misinterpreted the situation and it's not possible for me to have behaved that way without a drink.

So, be a bit careful about this broad brush.

What if someone doesn't like your behavior and you don't drink at all? Do you still have a drinking problem?

I've had dedicated twelve-steppers tell me "everybody's an addict. Some have simply not found the substance that will trigger it." Actual psychological studies show that only 5% or so of the population has the propensity to become addicted to substances.


Having said all that, however, the amount OP's husband is drinking is above the limit, according to every statistical measure I've ever read.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

chillymorn69 said:


> garlic or sex........thats a tough one
> 
> but i think sex would be my pick.



It was a damn tough call!!!

Luckily he travels often...garlic roasting, garlic toasting, sautéing, and basting, chopping and mincing ... making garlic bagels today!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Have you asked him how often he wants to have sex, ideally?
> 
> *Are you certain that the problem is that you are not having enough sex? *
> Are you sure the problem is not that you don't want him to drink as much or as often?
> ...


*I'm thinking the same thing...* They are likely developing a sexual mismatch and "beer" has been chosen as the scapegoat. 

What happens when he stops drinking and still only wants sex about once a week while she wants it more often around 3x a week? Will she then see the problem for what it is or feel like he is then choosing to hang out with his fishing buddies instead of having sex, and then the problem becomes how to get him to stop from fishing so much (cause his hands will be covered in guts from whatever bait he uses and his cloths will smell fishy which will NOT work for sex).

Badsanta

PS: One of my coworkers had a significant other that would spearfish in the ocean. He once carried a 50 pound catch on his shoulders for a half hour walk back to his truck in the hot sun along the beach. OMG she was NOT happy with him coming home smelling the way he did!!!!!!!


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Hope1964 said:


> Scuse me?? This is ridiculous. Any doctor will tell you that 1-2 drinks a day is not a problem, and may in fact help you de-stress. In fact I have had at least 3 different dr's recommend a drink or two a day for various reasons. Beer for breast milk supply, red wine for heart health, and a couple beers on a Friday night in the hot tub to help me relax.
> 
> If someone has a glass or two a day because it helps them relax they aren't an alcoholic. Especially if it improves their quality of life. We're constantly told we all carry far too much stress. Alcoholics drink to their DETRIMENT, health wise or family wise or whatever. I also wouldn't consider someone a problem drinker if they have a beer a day but their wife doesn't like it. That's the wife's problem.
> 
> Maybe if people weren't so uptight about drinking alcohol, and told that one or two drinks a day makes them an alcoholic, they'd be healthier.


I didn't say it's unhealthy to have a drink or two a day. Nor is it unwise to have a drink to unwind and relax.

What I am saying is that if it's necessary to use alcohol (or pot) to do this, then perhaps it's time to re-think the whole thing.

Here we have an account of a man who chooses beer over his wife. I'd say that's a problem. And it's not just 1 or 2 drinks, it's 4 or 5. He's a weekend drinker, but make no mistake, he needs it.

What I'm seeing is that his priorities are work, beer, marriage, in that order. OP is seeing it too, hence her post here. Whether she thinks he has a problem with alcohol or not is irrelevant. But she does think his priorities aren't straight, and I agree.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

alexm said:


> I didn't say it's unhealthy to have a drink or two a day. Nor is it unwise to have a drink to unwind and relax.
> 
> What I am saying is that if it's necessary to use alcohol (or pot) to do this, then perhaps it's time to re-think the whole thing.
> 
> ...


You said that if you need a drink or two a day to unwind and relax you're an alcoholic. That's ridiculous.

I wasn't talking about this guy - this guy obviously has problems that reach far beyond having a few beers.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

@Becka what did he say when you told him this? You need to be direct with him. His response will tell you everything you need to know.


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## Becka (Mar 15, 2017)

Honestly, thank you so much for all your comments. Even though there are some opinions I would consider extreme or not quite applicable, I value all the input.

If my husband was reluctant to have sex, I would be asking a different question of myself and of you. But he would happily still have sex when he's had a drink, like I said he does touch me and 'flirt' even when he's had a drink so if I was up for it, we surely would be intimate. I've thought about this a lot because initially I was thinking that perhaps beer is avoidance but then when I really thought about how he is with me, I don't think it could be.

I think what people have said is right- he feels he wants to have beers to help him relax (even though I would probably advocate that sex would relax him!) so I need to help him think of some alternatives to drinking. I'll offer him a massage and maybe suggest we all go for a walk or something. I can't think of anything else- any suggestions?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I like the 'stop drinking for a month' thing.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Make a deal with him that if he can do that, you'll take him on a getaway weekend with massages, in-room hot tub, and a bottle of expensive whiskey or something.


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## Becka (Mar 15, 2017)

katiecrna said:


> @Becka what did he say when you told him this? You need to be direct with him. His response will tell you everything you need to know.


When I've bought it up before, he'll just say non- committal things like 'I know', usually with a sigh or suggest I have a drink with him.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Becka said:


> Honestly, thank you so much for all your comments. Even though there are some opinions I would consider extreme or not quite applicable, I value all the input.
> 
> If my husband was reluctant to have sex, I would be asking a different question of myself and of you. But he would happily still have sex when he's had a drink, like I said he does touch me and 'flirt' even when he's had a drink so if I was up for it, we surely would be intimate. I've thought about this a lot because initially I was thinking that perhaps beer is avoidance but then when I really thought about how he is with me, I don't think it could be.
> 
> I think what people have said is right- he feels he wants to have beers to help him relax (even though I would probably advocate that sex would relax him!) so I need to help him think of some alternatives to drinking. I'll offer him a massage and maybe suggest we all go for a walk or something. I can't think of anything else- any suggestions?


I'm going to give my 2 cents here and say that I think this is the wrong approach. You're not responsible for coming up with alternatives to beer for when he's stressed any more than you're responsible for limiting his daily life stress as much as possible so he doesn't need beer to cope. That's on him. Please reconsider this. You need to set boundaries FOR YOU. Not him. I'd spend time and energy thinking about how much alcohol is acceptable for him to have before his behavior changes and it makes you uncomfortable, and then tell him (3-4 beers max, 2 if he wants to initiate sex?). And come up with alternatives for yourself if he doesn't agree or doesn't respect your boundary.


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## Becka (Mar 15, 2017)

Jessica38 said:


> I'm going to give my 2 cents here and say that I think this is the wrong approach. You're not responsible for coming up with alternatives to beer for when he's stressed any more than you're responsible for limiting his daily life stress as much as possible so he doesn't need beer to cope. That's on him. Please reconsider this. You need to set boundaries FOR YOU. Not him. I'd spend time and energy thinking about how much alcohol is acceptable for him to have before his behavior changes and it makes you uncomfortable, and then tell him (3-4 beers max, 2 if he wants to initiate sex?). And come up with alternatives for yourself if he doesn't agree or doesn't respect your boundary.


I respectfully disagree. I don't believe I am responsible and I don't believe that offering my support/ suggestions is taking responsibility. I do believe it is my responsibility to try and support the changes I'd like him to make though: teamwork. Perhaps other people may think differently but I don't think a marriage should be my needs versus his. "No man is an island". People may think I'm wrong in that but I certainly believe it.

That said, I do think life is all about evaluation based on the information you have, that's why I'm so pleased to have the wealth of advice, information and comments here.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Becka said:


> teamwork.


If there is ONE THING in my marriage that makes me feel loved, it is knowing that my wife and I always feel like we are on the same team. Even when we argue about things, we do so understanding we are a couple. She gives me a sense that in everything I do that I am never alone, as I always think of "us" in every decision I make and I know she does the same for me!
@Becka from a husband that appreciates this aspect of marriage, you are 100% correct in my opinion. Just make sure he makes you feel the same, and if not emphasize the importance that the two of you always need to work together on things. If he needs help to unwind, perhaps teamwork means going shopping together for a set of reclining sofas for your family room!










Regards, 
Badsanta


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Becka said:


> When I've bought it up before, he'll just say non- committal things like 'I know', usually with a sigh or suggest I have a drink with him.




Ok so you need to be more direct and have a serious conversation with him. Honey I hate having sex with you when you drink. I love you and want to have sex with you more, like 3x a week would be perfect for me. But your drinking is such a turn off for me and it seems you are drinking every night which is not good for our sex life. Can you not drink everyday for me? If you need help unwinding I have some better ideas than beer


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Men aren't mind readers. Be direct and blunt and tell him what you want.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> Men aren't mind readers. Be direct and blunt and tell him what you want.


In addition to being horrible mind readers, we are also horrible listeners! If you want to be direct and blunt only ever keep ONE or TWO beers in the fridge for him. Leave the rest out somewhere nice, warm and hard to get to!



Becka's Other Half said:


> Honey, Where is the rest of the beer?





Becka said:


> Up in the attic, in the crawl space behind the hot water heater.





Becka's Other Half said:


> How did they get there?





Becka said:


> You must have drank too many and gotten lost with them or something!





Becka's Other Half said:


> Dang! You mind going to get them for me?





Becka said:


> Sure, just go into the bedroom and get naked!





Becka's Other Half said:


> OK, but why do I gotta get naked?





Becka said:


> We are going to have sex to help pass the time while your beer needs to cool down in the freezer!





Becka's Other Half said:


> Double Dang, you are AWESOME honey!


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Hope1964 said:


> You said that if you need a drink or two a day to unwind and relax you're an alcoholic. That's ridiculous.
> 
> I wasn't talking about this guy - this guy obviously has problems that reach far beyond having a few beers.


I said if you need alcohol to relax, you have a problem. Doesn't matter if it's 2 drinks or 5. Everybody's tolerance is different.

Why so defensive? It's because it's me, isn't it?


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## shellybell (May 13, 2017)

I agree! He will get terribly jealous. I bet that works. Great idea William.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Come right out and tell him that the drinking is a deal breaker if he's expecting to get sex!

I think that he will get the message loud and clear! *


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## heartbroken66 (May 23, 2017)

I'm glad to hear that I am not the only person out there that feels the same way. Before I met my husband he got into trouble with the booze. His father was an alcoholic, his brothers are alcoholics and drug addicts. Mainly pot. He was honest with me when we started dated. Told me he would never go back to that way of life. I told him I wasn't going to live with a drunk. We have been married for 14 years and he started drinking about 3 to 4 years ago behind my back. I don't drink so it was easy for him. I guess I should have figured it out because one day he said to me he could handle the drinking. One night he came home drunk. I was so angry. I asked him why he started drinking again? He had nothing to say. I told him he isn't bring booze into the house, that I'm not going to bail him out of jail and I'm not having sex with him when he has been drinking. He told me, but you already have. Like I said I don't drink. I know what beer smells like and I can't stand it, but as for other drinks go had no clue. I work 70 hours a week to pay the bills. He might work 20. He owns a business and has employees, so he is free to what ever he wants. His income pays for his bar tabs and his hobby. We use to have sex 3 to 4 times a week. Now I'm lucky to see one time a week. Which is sad because I want sex more (even with working all those hours), but I guess drinking and getting drunk is more important. He tells me when I complain (which is often) to go use my toys. It's not the same. I know he won't stop drinking unless something bad happens like another DUI or an accident. I will never be a priority in his life even though he tells me I am. If I was, he would have stopped drinking when I asked him to. I have asked him to get help, but he won't. His friends don't help any either. We have had some pretty bad fights over the drinking. He has broken things, but the booze still is top priority. I know if I tell him I don't want to live with an alcoholic he'll just tell me to pack his stuff and he will leave. I just need to get there first.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@heartbroken66

why not start your own thread with this post so that people can give you some support and input?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Becka said:


> Hello lovely forum peeps. This is my first post, though I have been reading the awesome advice on here for some time now. I was hoping to call on that advice now.
> 
> So... I enjoy sex 3 or 4 times a week but find it repugnant when my husband has been drinking. I hate the smell of alcohol on his breath and it is a deal breaker for me for physical intimacy.
> 
> ...




If Mrs.CuddleBug was a drinker, I wouldn't of married her and if I was a drinker, she wouldn't of married me. Occasional social drink / toast is all we do.


You aren't being mean for feeling / thinking this way. I wouldn't want to smell alcohol on my wife's breath before sex either. Gross.


He probably just loves his alcohol as a stress relief from work and life. Not doing this on purpose to avoid you in the bedroom.


Tell him straight up, you find a drunk disgusting and not sexy. If he wants sex, no alcohol.


No alcohol / sober = sex.


Alcohol / drunk = no sex.


My ways to unstress are:

- weight training
- landscaping our area
- computer gaming, etc.
- watching movies
- upgrading something for our place
- SEX (if that actually ever happens is a different story.....)


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## sargam (May 25, 2017)

*
1. Am I being mean for thinking/ feeling this way?

No its not mean that you think its repulsive that he has to drink before having sex with you.
Talk to him and tell him how you feel 


2. Do you think he is drinking to deliberately not have sex with me?

No , May be he is a drunkard


3. How can I get him not to drink so we can be intimate instead?

As I said talk to him and tell him strongly how you feel. Openness is key to success in marriage



!*


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