# Is this the end? Not sure if I want to save my marriage.



## HopelessWanderer (Feb 19, 2013)

I will try to word this as eloquently (and briefly) as I can, but I am in a very emotional state so I apologize if I ramble.

My husband (“Jack”) and I are both 24 years old and we have been married for a year and a half. We have been together since we were 17, engaged at 22 and married at 23. We started dating the summer before I left for college. I grew up in a very small town and was very sheltered and isolated. I got a scholarship to the school of my dreams and moving away should have been a huge opportunity for me. However, Jack and I became wildly infatuated with one another and he became my number 1 priority when I should have been focusing on school and my own future.

There were a few issues in the very beginning with Jack. He was insanely jealous of my ex-boyfriend of a little more than a year. I lost my virginity to the ex and Jack truly made me feel like worthless trash because of this. He made me delete the ex from MySpace (which was popular then) and wanted me to never speak to him again. My ex was my best friend for a long time and I did not regret anything until Jack came along and made me question my values.

Another problem was the fact that Jack didn’t like me going out with my girlfriends without him. He wouldn’t tell me that I couldn’t go, but he just didn’t understand why I didn’t want him to go too. He would become so hurt that I didn’t want to spend my time with him instead or invite him along. It was always such a production to get away and my friends didn’t want him tagging along all the time, so I eventually lost every one of my close friends. I have not had a friend now since I was 18. 

I was away at college for less than a month before Jack showed up unexpectedly one day and told me that he had moved out of his parents’ house. He moved into an apartment nearby and I eventually began staying at his place every night instead of my dorm room, and found myself completely moved in with him within a few months. I didn’t see it then but this was detrimental to my growth as an adult and as an individual. I became completely dependent on him both financially and emotionally. He wanted to “take care of” me, so I didn’t work…I just went straight to class and went straight back to his apartment, every day. I spent all of my time with only him and never got involved in any activities on campus. I had dreamed for years of studying abroad but when the opportunity finally arose Jack, of course, did not want me to…so I didn’t. I had ALWAYS thought that I would like to join the Peace Corps after college but since it requires being away for 2 years, naturally he would not even consider the idea. I was never able to go home and visit my family alone, he always wanted to go with me. All of this drove me insane but he was such a good guy and so kind I guess I felt “wrong” for being annoyed by him.

I don’t want to harp on his “bad” qualities because I’m sure I have plenty of those myself, but I do want to explain why I felt so controlled by him. I have never been able to spend a dime without asking for his permission throughout our entire relationship. If I were to buy lunch somewhere I would get such a lecture about how it was a waste of money or unhealthy and it would make me feel so stupid and small. Buying clothes or something for myself is just…unheard of. I wouldn’t even consider doing it without asking him first. In fact, I have gone shopping (for ANYTHING, even groceries) without him only a handful of times in our entire 7+ years together. He lectures me on the “correct” way to do everything…I feel like EVERYTHING I do is wrong if I don’t consult him first…be it picking out curtains, choosing where to hang a picture in the house, picking the “best” driving route somewhere, or choosing a haircut for myself.

The years passed and my family grew to adore him (possibly more than they like me), and when he proposed it was no surprise to anyone because that was the next step that was expected of us. It was then that I began to feel trapped. Honestly, I had felt trapped before but never seriously considered leaving, but with marriage looming ahead I began to get very scared. It was around this time that something terrible began to happen…I found myself in what I now recognize as an emotional affair. A few weeks before I became engaged, my ex (that I mentioned before) contacted me on Facebook. We would chat every now and then to catch up. I talked to him about my wedding plans and mostly mundane things, but eventually our conversations became more serious and I talked to him about my relationship issues (something I know I should have never done). This flirtation went on for several months and I met him 2 times (nothing physical happened at all) before we both decided that we should end whatever it was that was going on between us. I have to admit, I was quite heartbroken but thought that if I could just push through and get past the wedding, everything would be okay again.

Once Jack and I got married things were good for a while, but eventually my ex and I started talking again, and though I am so ashamed to admit it…10 months into my marriage I cheated on my husband with him. It happened 2 more times before we “ended” things again, but by that point I was so emotionally distraught that I didn’t know what to do. I had feelings for my ex but I couldn’t decipher whether they were real or if I was just escaping from real life with him (I’m sure it was the latter). I found myself completely checked out of my marriage. I decided that I wanted to leave, then I decided that I couldn’t leave because I had no money and nowhere to go, then I decided that I couldn’t leave because I didn’t want to hurt Jack…and I just went around in circles with these thoughts.

I suppose I don’t need to ramble on about my feelings any further, because what has lead to me writing this post is that Jack found some of my incriminating Facebook messages a few days ago and knows that I had an affair. It has been the worst week of my life. When he found out we ended up physically fighting for the first time ever which left me bruised and bleeding. I am in anguish over hurting him, yet still feeling trapped and stifled and wanting to leave, but I feel like I owe it to him to give it “one last shot” especially since he is blindsided by this.

I’ve tried to explain to him in the past how unhappy I am but he just doesn’t listen. I feel like I have been trying to grow and evolve as a person but I have been so restricted. He has a great career and great friends and great hobbies and loves every second of his life. I have not been able to find a job in my field in the area that we’ve settled in (for his career) so I work a dead-end job that I hate with literally no human interaction for 12 hours a day. I have no friends, and when I’m home I’m usually alone cleaning or cooking. I have zero fulfillment in my life and zero fulfillment in this relationship. Yet when I try to talk to him about it he tells me that my life is awesome and I should be so happy (mostly because we’re financially stable and able to buy “nice things” because of his job).

Even after finding out about the affair he wants to make it work with me, he says that he still loves me and forgives me. I feel like the worst person on the planet for still wanting to leave. He says that he is giving me a “golden opportunity,” and that I would be an idiot not to take it. Also, he said “You will sink without me, I know it. I’m scared that you’ll become some kind of homeless addict,” and that leaving him would be the worst mistake of my life. And “Your family is so disappointed…it would make everyone so happy if you would just stay with me.”

Several of my family members that I love and respect have also told me that leaving would be the worst mistake and that I would be ruining my life, and since I have zero confidence in myself and my ability to make decisions, I wonder if I am just crazy to be unhappy in my marriage. Just to note, I wouldn’t have chosen to involve my family in this issue but when Jack found out about the affair he called everyone he could think of to tell them what a tramp I am. 

We begin marriage counseling tomorrow. Jack believes that our marriage can be saved but honestly, I am still wanting to leave. I absolutely hate myself for doing this to him (the pain is killing him), and to us, and hate myself for not wanting to save our marriage. I feel like I owe it to him to try though and not just give up. Jack just thinks that I am depressed and unhappy with myself and will not accept that I could be unhappy with him or our relationship.


----------



## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

well, you did wrong by cheating on him.
you know that, so onwards.
sounds like jack is pretty manipulative. and you seem to buy into that.
i will tell you this, a guy that kicks the crap out of you isnt worth the spit in your mouth. life is too short to be abused, and sink or swim...why would you want to "work it out" with someone that BEAT YOU?
let me tell you something about my life.
my mom spent 20 years almost of her life with my biological dad. he was a drunk and a violent abuser, beating her often and badly.
he would tell her she couldnt make it without him, that she needed him et al blah blah blah.
one day she had enough.
one night, he tried to cut her throat. she still has the scar. she packed all of us kids in the car in the dead of night while he was passed out drunk, then PUSHED it down the driveway so she could get away without waking him. she has told us that had she not done it, THAT NIGHT, he would have killed her.
fast forward five years and she met and married the man i called "dad" for the rest of his life. the man that treated her with the respect she deserved, and never treated me as anything other than his son.
she survived. without the abuse. and was much better and had a MUCH HAPPIER life without it. and maybe even more importantly, her children were better for it.
she had her deal-breaker that night.
so allow me to ask you, "whats your deal breaker"?


----------



## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

My wife left me. One of her reasons she said was because I was too controlling. After reading your post, I can say that I look like a saint compared to your Jack. He looks like a person with a serious controlling issue. 

Naga 75 said it right. The affair you should have never done. The choice was yours and you went for it. Once you cut it off the first time, you should have never started it again. But now it looks like Jack is using that to control you even further. He says he will give you a second chance. So let's say you accept and down your marriage you have an argument, I bet Jack brings back up that affair every time. 

Now as for Jack physically abusing you, that is the worst thing any man can do. Your man has some serious issues, and in my opinion, that is the sign that you should run and get out of your relationship. 

It doesn't sound like you have any children so leaving won't be difficult. If you feel like you have a dead end job now, leave and find something else. Move to a different city and start fresh. Who cares if you don't earn much. You are young and you will survive. Life is too precious to waste being miserable. Your instincts tell you something is seriously wrong, so trust it.


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

You weren't ready to settle down yet.

You were looking to get to college and party like a rock star.

Instead you felt more like a old lady going to school then back home to your husband.

Get out of your marriage, enjoy life and when you're ready to settle down, look for a decent guy and be happy. If you stay with him, you'll cheat on him again and again and again. I'll bank money on it.

Girls/guys like you need to sow your oats 1st then settle down once you've had your fun. Not saying it's a bad thing at all, it's just part of growing up for some people.


----------



## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

NEVER NEVER should he lay a hand on you no matter what you did! Get an order of protection and leave now. You allowed this once, he will definitely do it again. Forget the entire rest of your post. This is SERIOUS!!!


----------



## HopelessWanderer (Feb 19, 2013)

Thanks everyone. In his defense (and I know this sounds pretty typical, defending him)...he didn't actually punch me or anything. His first reaction was to slam me against the wall and throw me in the floor...and we ended up outside on our concrete patio struggling on the ground with him trying to get my phone away from me. He doesn't remember exactly what happened but I do...he had his hands around my throat at one point which was probably the worst of it. The concrete scraped me up which is why I was bleeding...I am bruised terribly on my arms and legs though.

Anyway...we went to our first counseling session today and it went well, I suppose. I liked the counselor. I was afraid she would dwell on the affair and not the issues that led up to it, but she didn't do that. DH still wholeheartedly wants to work things out but I am still very unsure.

I didn't tell the counselor about the physical altercation. Should I have told her? I didn't feel comfortable with DH sitting right beside me, and I felt like it would sound like I was trying to throw the blame on him by saying he is abusive or something...

I feel queasy after bringing everything out into the open again, honestly. DH feels great, though.


----------



## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

I understand what you mean about not telling the counselor in front of him. Make an appt. to see him/her on your own. That is what I did when I felt uncomfortable saying certain things in front of him. 

I still think he got a little too physical with you and you need to remember this. If he touches you again and you dont go, your crazy!


----------



## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

HopelessWanderer said:


> he didn't actually punch me or anything. His first reaction was to slam me against the wall and throw me in the floor...and we ended up outside on our concrete patio struggling on the ground with him trying to get my phone away from me. He doesn't remember exactly what happened but I do...he had his hands around my throat at one point which was probably the worst of it. The concrete scraped me up which is why I was bleeding...I am bruised terribly on my arms and legs though.


Oh, well if THAT's all he did, I really don't see a problem. Geez you made it sound like he was abusive or something. 

Seriously, GTFO.


----------



## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

This guy has been abusing you and controlling you for years and you have become his rug sweeper...his door matt...his puppet...and now since you've stayed you have given him the authority to hurt you...again. ...And he will. He lives his life with you with a sense of 'entitlement'...and he takes it. He controls everything...EVERYTHING...you think you have it rough now? And now you have had an affair...good luck taking a dump without him being by your side. 

He has isolated you from your family...from your friends...from a decent job and education and experiences in life you can't get back...your going to remain miserable and under his thumb always. 

Get used to it...oh wait...you are. 

You have a choice to leave. Guys like him don't change...and in counseling you will learn to assert your rights on what you want and as soon as you do 'he' will no longer like the counselor...soon as he feels he's going to loose any amount of control...he's done. It's all roses now but rest assured. 

Your only chance at happiness is to be away from him. Again...he's an abuser...who just took it up a level and 'you' defended him...perrrrrfect... ...eh wrong. 

Your life right now...that makes you so miserable...will remain static (the same) as you know it...with the high probability of physical violence escalating during your arguments especially when the affair is brought up...
Right now your in the honeymoon phase...all is well ...he's sorry...he pushed you...couseling...we can work this out...etc etc...

sigh...

You have no self esteem because he has seen to it you didn't have any...your only validation and worth is by 'being his wife'...and staying with him...without him you will fail...right? The perfect co-dependant wife has been created here! He's going to hang onto you...at all costs...and you will pay dearly and daily for that affair...just because he said you have been forgiven....paleese....he's raging inside...his territory has been tampered with and YOU stepped out of line... ....you have no idea....

Girl..._*run!*_


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I agree with Stella. *Get out*. That sounds like a really volatile situation now that physical violence is part of it.


----------

