# Trying to be happy, but not succeeding very well....



## snowday (Jun 24, 2011)

First let me say that I want to keep my marriage together if possible. There's been issues for a long time. I tried to address them in the beginning and he resisted (he's start to read a book I said we should both read, then quit when things quieted down in the marriage.) We did some marriage counseling here and there, but nothing really resolved because the issues were never fully addressed (partly he'd lie/minimize, partly I guess it just never progressed enough to work through it.)

I'll try not to make it book length...the main issue has been that he "doesn't hear me" or want to hear me. He basically wants things his way. One of the main issues has been porn and lying about porn. The lying was really my main issue. I was uncomfortable with porn being viewed on a computer that the kids have access to and made it known to him, but he'd never respect me in this, then lie to me about it.

I'll skip ahead to the MC... First counselor addressed some of the issues and at least answered some of my questions in that she feels he doesn't even realize how self-centered he is, etc (said in front of him.) But honestly she let us duke out the same issues over and over and not resolve (once in a while she'd propose a compromise that we'd agree to.) But I didn't feel like there was a huge amount of progress. 

We saw 2nd MC up until a couple weeks ago and I don't feel like I want to go back. She seemed proactive in the beginning issuing orders of do this, do that. But again we started duking out the same issue several weeks in a row and I feel like i'm getting walked all over.

So long story short, I want to make it work, but I feel like my feelings don't matter at all to him. He hurt me incredibly with his use of porn and the importance it was to him. He's apologized but in a way that is like "i'm sorry, but you need to get over it and move on" type way! 

I'm trying to let go of the things he does that bug me, but I guess I just don't know how. Last Fall (when this was all very raw) I was not happy with him watching football (he's not a sports guy, but does like the cheerleaders.) We argued about it, never resolved. Now it's not what he's looking at that bugs me, it's that I feel like you should care more about the other persons feelings. 

If i'd hurt him with my actions, i'd certainly be more cautious and considerate about my actions and avoid things that might cause more friction... But on the other hand, I know it's my issue and I need to get over it. So how do I get over it? How do I accept who he is and get to a point where i'm ok with who he is? 

I think i'd be more ok with accepting it, but he pressures me all the time to have the type of relationship he thinks is good, but i'm hesitant because honestly I see the one sided relationship where I get to be the giver and he gets to be the taker. Anyone have some profound advice to start me down a better road?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*I think i'd be more ok with accepting it, but he pressures me all the time to have the type of relationship he thinks is good, but i'm hesitant because honestly I see the one sided relationship where I get to be the giver and he gets to be the taker*

Sounds to me like he could be saying the same thing. I don't understand the amount of control that some people try to exert over other ADULTS. I think, you do the right thing for you.... and you LOVE and appreciate those who you see as having similar values. 

He apologized for the porn, so ya... it's your problem to get over it. But I sure hope he didn't apologize about watching football! He's grown, "let" him watch whatever he wants on t.v. I hope he isn't telling you what to watch and not to watch. 

I TOTALLY understand not being heard... I lived that for 23 years. I figured it out early and went on with my life, and that of my kids...in spite of him. Then one day he left....and all was right with the world. Some days are like that.

But.... if you don't like everything he does, why would he want to HEAR that?


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## snowday (Jun 24, 2011)

I appreciate your response...and I get what you mean about controlling another adult. I definitely am doing what is right for me...which is taking things slowly and trying to get some footing here (i've said i'd like to work at being friends.) 

He has all the ideas about what relationships are supposed to be like now and pressures me about them. Couple weeks ago the MC asked him if he could give me time and space to sort things out, he said yes and later that afternoon started in about affection or something similar. 

For me I feel like we need to back way up and take it slow, but we're definitely not on the same page about that which is why things are so stressful. I don't feel like he "hears" me about it. As far as the football thing goes, there's more to the story about why it "triggers" me (porn related). I have not said a word to him about the issue since more than a year ago. But I guess I feel like while i'm not being "heard" it just adds another layer...he knew it was difficult for me, but hasn't brought up the subject to see where I/we stand on it. The old when things aren't going well, it's easy to pile on every little injustice!

I just feel like everything is a struggle...i'm doing my best to stay in my own business and trying to learn to do that, but then somehow end up being drawn back into the drama because of ideas he has about how things should be. I do know I need to work out my issues, but trust me i'm not bashing him on a constant basis. Sometimes posting it (venting) gives you a little perspective and the advice is always welcome. I definitely am not complaining to him on a constant basis about everything that i'm thinking.

I really just want a peaceful life. I had hoped we could get to a place where we could work together, but it seems if I say black, he says white. I've been learning to leave it at that! The only problem there is it's easy to be walked all over if you always allow the other person to have it their way (no the black/white doesn't matter, but there are other things that do.) I'd like to be equals and be equally respectful of each other, not just one bowing down to the other.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Ok... I get that. I give you credit for trying. Do you think he's trying? In his own way? If you think so, then give him credit when you can... ya know? 

The only thing I can think of.... is make you goals (whether they are just yours, or the whole family, or whatever).... get focused, and don't but into the whole black/white arguments anyway. You can "choose not to dance" as they say. Doesn't help communication much I guess, but I'd think it may help you with a bit of breathing room. 

Good Luck


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## snowday (Jun 24, 2011)

Thanks again SunnyT...goals are a good idea (for myself!) I could definitely think of specific things to work on letting go or working out. Like this idea very much.

MC asked last time we went whether I thought he was doing some of the things on purpose and I acknowledged I didn't think it was purposeful so I need to work on myself on that one.

The thing that is problematic in that for me is that he doesn't seem to be able/want to change when a problem is brought up to be discussed. 

Just yesterday we had the stupidest conversation ever....about dirt! I mentioned that when he redid something he didn't put back enough dirt (wording was better and not accusatory!) I'd just been outside and was looking at it (and there's a matching side to compare it too!) He argued the point that it had enough dirt without getting out of the chair he was in to see what I was comparing it to. I didn't engage, and he kept telling me why it was the proper amount. I just agreed and now i've got to out this morning and fix it myself because I agreed that no it's not black, it's white when it's really not:rofl:

Goals are good, i'm going to work on figuring out a few specific things that I could work on!


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