# Stepchild Issues



## Tommy518 (Nov 28, 2011)

I’m a month away from marrying my fiancé, who I’ve been living with for over five years. I have two grown children on their own and she has a 13yo boy and 15yo girl who we have split custody of. I get along great with both kids. The daughter is very responsible and generally easy. The son is more difficult. He’s probably a fairly typical 13 year old boy in that he’s obsessed with his electronic devices and we have to ask him five times to do things before he does them. My fiancé is a nurturer and I default to the disciplinarian when they’re with us. Her ex is very strict and quick to punish. We’ve had conversations with the ex and his wife to sort out problems across the two houses and they seem reasonable. 

The problem is that the boy doesn’t do things he’s asked, is on his phone or tablet all day and gives nothing of himself. This causes many problems here, but even more over at the ex’s. We have talks with them and smooth things over, then her son screws up and blows off chores or says/does something wrong, and his father gets mad and takes away his tablet and or yells at him. He then calls his mother (my fiancé) and insists that he should stay full time with us because he’s not happy there. She feels horribly guilty and wants to cave in to his request. He frankly treats her badly when he’s here, doesn’t listen, disrespects her, and is generally selfish and lazy. When we confront him with that, he of course apologizes and says he’ll be better, which we know isn’t true.

I’m not sure what to do. His sister definitely doesn’t want be here full time, and when we asked him a few weeks ago, he said he’d rather continue going to his dads. I think it would be bad for everyone if we gave in to his demands. It’s clear he thinks things are easier here because he can get away with more, so that’s what he wants. Both of us would then have to deal with the frustration of raising him full time, and I think his father wouldn’t mind absolving himself of the responsibility. I just don’t think we should give in to him just because he wants the easy road. That teaches him nothing. He needs to be accountable and responsible for his actions and learn to contribute to be a functional adult. His real father can be hard and blunt, but that’s what this kid needs right now, in fact I frequently find myself taking his side. Coddling won’t help the boy mature. If he’s here full time, it puts all the pressure on me to discipline, which means I’m always the bad guy. That also runs the risk of causing resentment in her because I’m being hard on her kid all the time.

That got a little long, but I’m just looking for some other perspective and general advice. Any responses would be appreciated.

Thanks in advance.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are in a bad spot because you are not really his father. He knows that of course. He is playing his father, his mother, and you like a fiddle. (I'm talking from experience with 2 step children, now grown.)

Children have no power so they find ways to manipulate their parent (and step parents) to gain power. Never, ever get in a piss fight with a child. The child will win, even if it ends up destroying them.

You should not be the person who is disciplining him since you are not his father. But it sounds like you have been put in that position. There are some good books on amazon (and other book sellers) about step parenting. You would benefit from reading a couple of them.

I also think you and your wife would benefit from counseling to learn how to more effectively co-parent a blended family. The counselor will probably want to have her son involved too.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I would definitely not cave to his requests. He needs his dad in his life on a very regular basis.

I have to agree with Ele, I’m not a huge fan of the idea of a step parent being the main disciplinarian. I base that on my own second marriage with kids. My H has never disciplined my kids, that is up to their dad and I, who are both completely active in their life. H has a very good SD relationship with both my kids though, and would always guide them away from harm, but not actual discipline.

Why doesn’t your fiancé discipline her own kids? Does she feel guilty about putting the kids through the divorce perhaps?

That all being said, it sounds like you have been doing this since he was 8, so it is probably the circumstances that work for you. To each their own.

Suggestion: Since you all coparent well, discuss this with his dad and SM and if everyone is in agreement then proceed to put this into effect at both homes. 

You and your fiancé sit down with the boy, and give him a print out of his chores. Let him know that if he doesn’t do them, you will go ahead and take his electronics, just until the chores are done. You will never see a child become so active in caring for their chores with the threat of not having their electronics. It works SO great LOL. I wish I would have thought of it sooner!

Congrats on your upcoming wedding! I hope you have a wonderful day and life.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

What is preventing your fiance from giving custody to his father for a year or two? He might adjust his attitude and get his nose out of his devices.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You will totally become the mean, unfair step-dad in his eyes if he lives with the two of you full-time. Step-children are a big part of the reason subsequent marriages fail — especially when the step-parent becomes the disciplinarian. He should stay where he is.


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## Tommy518 (Nov 28, 2011)

Thank you for your responses.

We have gone through blended family classes, as well as marriage prep counseling. We were told that we should run our own houses and not get engaged in how the kids are managed when at the other house. That it’s okay to coordinate rules, but we should stay out of managing what happens there and He should do the same. My takeaway was also that we shouldn’t really be communicating with them when they’re at the other house, as that might be disruptive, but my fiancé doesn’t agree with that part. She’s in regular communication with them, so hears about every complaint, especially if he’s being punished for something he did. We were having a date night dinner at a restaurant last night when her son called crying and insisting that he come live with us because dad was so unfair. The night ended with her crying and it’s not the first time that’s happened. Personally, I think we need to take living with us full time off the table, or that’s going to keep happening.

She really wants them to be happy and feels that’s her responsibility, to some extent. There is a lot of divorce guilt, no question. The split was her doing, so she’s feels responsible that they have to deal with him. He can be mean, but I don’t think is abusive. He has two stepchildren from his new wife and they just had twin baby girls, so he has a lot on his plate and little patience for some of the stuff his son does. The son also doesn’t like his wife and struggles with being around her, so avoids coming upstairs or spending time with the family. Him and his dad apparently talked it out last night and are okay again today, but it’s just a matter of time before this happens again.

My fiancé would never consider her ex taking full custody. She loves those kids dearly and would miss them. When we bounced the idea of changing the custody agreement off of her ex and his wife several weeks ago, they made it clear they would/could not provide any child support. Also, as I said, the kids both said they didn’t want that either. Again, I think it should be taken off the table as an option at this point or it’ll keep coming up, but my fiancé doesn’t agree and wants the kids to call her when they’re upset.

As for discipline, I know the BP should be doing it, but he doesn’t respect her and blows her off, so I usually have to, or am asked to step in. He responds much better to me and I don’t put up with much. My fiancé was always the nurturer in their marriage and he disciplined. She does discipline, but he doesn’t listen. He needs boundaries and discipline and someone has to do it.

Thanks again for the responses.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm not a parent nor did I ever seriously date a man with children so I'm just asking question.

It seems to me that if children were spending full and regular weekends and more at my place, it seems that I should have some say in how they treat me and the place I call my home. 

Or did I misinterpret something?


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

The root of the problem isn't the two houses. It's the boy's attitude that he can spend all his time on electronics and ignore his chores. Both houses just need to sit down and discuss ways to control his time on electronics. Come up with a consistent system to ensure chores are done before screen time is permitted. Keep in mind that carrots work better than sticks for this sort of thing.

You can control the electronics. Set up your router so his devices don't get wifi unless you allow it after his chores are done, if you have to. Use whatever parental controls there are for the devices to limit apps to one hour a day. Don't permit additional app time until chores are done. Set up the devices so you have to approve any downloads or in-app purchases, so he has fewer options and can't get that new game his friends are all trying until you permit it.

And yes, make it clear that doing reasonable chores for his age and participating in family time are expected at both houses, so the access schedule won't be changing.

It's going to be hard. It's going to be a daily battle. There will be shouting and swearing and your fiancée will have to be strong. But you don't want to create a 25-year-old who lives in your basement sleeping all day and playing video games all night.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Is there any chance he may have ADHD? My son was similar with school work, chores, etc...it was very frustrating for everyone. Turns out he wasn’t just a defiant, lazy punk - he literally was unable to focus his brain enough to do tasks, let alone remember to do them on his own. He was diagnosed after having some concentration issues once he started middle school. After much debate we decided to start him on ADHD meds. All reports were that he was now alert and a joy in class. But at home he was still “lazy”. It felt like a constant battle, our relationships were suffering and he wanted to move in with his dad because he didn’t have to do chores or homework there. I was so frustrated I almost took him up on it.

After speaking with another parent who had gone through something similar we started a more hands-on and supervisory approach. Like making him stop playing a game to do his homework at the kitchen table, staying nearby while he did it, confirm it is complete and put back in the correct folder. Followed up by checking the school portal to make sure there was a grade for it (I can’t tell you the number of times he would do the work and not hand it in). Same with chores. Like if his chore was taking out the garbage we had to literally walk him through it step by step at the time of the chore - tie the bag, put it outside in green trash bin, now put a new bag in. It was like he would get lost mid-task.

My husband (his step father) and I had a lot of back and forth on this. He felt he was a smart 13 year old and should be able to be responsible for getting his own work/chores done without being told by “mommy and daddy” over and over again and without us holding his hand. I agreed he should be able to, but he clearly wasn’t, and anything to end the cycle of frustration, yelling and punishments was worth trying. After a bit of this he was a changed kid. The cycle of endless frustration was broken and he is now a helpful, capable 15 year old that needs reminders but not hand holding.

If you keep having to ask “what the hell is wrong with this kid?” you might want to consider that something may actually be wrong with the kid.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

What's best for the kids should never come down to child support. If they're better off with you and your wife full time, then that's what you do. Even without child support.

I don't think that's the answer though. I also don't think he has ADHD - he's more than able to focus on a computer game for hours on end. He's likely addicted to them like so many kids today. You and your wife need to buckle down and agree on some changes together, then sit your stepson down together and SHE tells him what's going to change while you back her up.

Things like no devices until chores/homework done, devices on charges in YOUR bedroom from 9pm etc. And you need to not care if he doesn't like it. That's too bad. It's for his own good.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

frusdil said:


> I don't think that's the answer though. I also don't think he has ADHD - he's more than able to focus on a computer game for hours on end. He's likely addicted to them like so many kids today. You and your wife need to buckle down and agree on some changes together, then sit your stepson down together and SHE tells him what's going to change while you back her up.


It could still be ADHD. They tend to get hyperfocused on the things that they find most engaging. Especially if those things don't require much planning but just going along a set of predictable, repetitive, sequences. It soothes those scatterbrained minds somehow.


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## Tommy518 (Nov 28, 2011)

We’ve thought for some time that he exhibits some behavior that’s on the lower spectrum of autism. We’ve had him in therapy off and on over the years to deal with some of his social anxiety and relationship with his stepmother. I believe he was tested for signs of autism or aspergers and they determined that he was OK and high functioning. He certainly exhibits behavior like you’ve described. Problems staying on task and easy distraction. He’s never been tested for ADHD. All that aside, it’s the lack of respect he shows his mother and sister that bother me. He’s absorbed when he’s on his devices, and then looks for trouble when he gets off them because he says he’s bored. Usually picks on his sister. Probably not untypical of boys his age.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Tommy518 said:


> We’ve thought for some time that he exhibits some behavior that’s on the lower spectrum of autism. We’ve had him in therapy off and on over the years to deal with some of his social anxiety and relationship with his stepmother. I believe he was tested for signs of autism or aspergers and they determined that he was OK and high functioning. He certainly exhibits behavior like you’ve described. Problems staying on task and easy distraction. He’s never been tested for ADHD. All that aside, it’s the lack of respect he shows his mother and sister that bother me. He’s absorbed when he’s on his devices, and then looks for trouble when he gets off them because he says he’s bored. Usually picks on his sister. Probably not untypical of boys his age.


My ADHD kid complains of boredom off devices as well. When he doesn't have mental stimulus going in, the world is boring to him. The video games or endless YouTube videos satisfy that need for stimulus in an effortless way. When I make him do other things, especially things that don't engage the mind (chores), he's cranky, and does things to provide himself with excitement. Sometimes those things make no sense.


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## Tommy518 (Nov 28, 2011)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> My ADHD kid complains of boredom off devices as well. When he doesn't have mental stimulus going in, the world is boring to him. The video games or endless YouTube videos satisfy that need for stimulus in an effortless way. When I make him do other things, especially things that don't engage the mind (chores), he's cranky, and does things to provide himself with excitement. Sometimes those things make no sense.


Sounds very similar. Clicker Hero, Clash of Clans, PS4, and YouTube videos. He hasn’t started TicToc or Instagram yet, but his sister has. It’s constant stimulation, and then when the input stops, it’s immediate boredom. He’s restricted on his phone to 2 hours a day, and his dad just took away his tablet “forever”. He has a laptop at our house and we need to start restricting that. We could also restrict the tablet, but we worry that he’ll start picking on his sister constantly, and with both of us working from home and in meetings, the fighting is very distracting. The two of us need to put together a firmer plan.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

My nephew who is 17 and whose mother very proudly crowed that he got a 3.7 for the year, used to keep his face in front of a device even during dinner. They get over it.


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## cheapie (Aug 6, 2018)

Tommy518 said:


> Thank you for your responses.
> 
> We have gone through blended family classes, as well as marriage prep counseling. We were told that we should run our own houses and not get engaged in how the kids are managed when at the other house. That it’s okay to coordinate rules, but we should stay out of managing what happens there and He should do the same. My takeaway was also that we shouldn’t really be communicating with them when they’re at the other house, as that might be disruptive, but my fiancé doesn’t agree with that part. She’s in regular communication with them, so hears about every complaint, especially if he’s being punished for something he did. We were having a date night dinner at a restaurant last night when her son called crying and insisting that he come live with us because dad was so unfair. The night ended with her crying and it’s not the first time that’s happened. Personally, I think we need to take living with us full time off the table, or that’s going to keep happening.
> 
> ...


Ok, I think many are missing the real issue here. The OP is being given many suggestions on methods to discipline this boy and limit his electronic devices until he gets chores done, etc. But I think he can figure that out. Knowing how to discipline is not the problem.

The kid is not really even the problem. Not to be unkind, Tommy, but your fiancée is the problem.

When you say that she is in constant communication with the kids when they are at her exes’ and can’t get through a date with you without ending up drawing drama concerning her son into it, that’s a red flag. The fact that you have had premarital counseling on this and that she is ignoring the advice that she doesn’t want to follow is telling. If she won’t get on board with requiring basic chores from her son and doesn’t want to discipline and leaves it up to you because of divorce guilt, you are in for a rough ride.

Her son will resent you. And you will end up resenting her for putting you on the spot, and also for putting her son first. Someone else said, very truly, that issues over step kids are the prime reason second marriages fail. I haven’t been involved in this first hand, but have seen friends and acquaintances go through this. One friend of mine went from a happy guy to absolutely miserable because he married a woman who coddles her son and puts him first. Constant drama, he’s always in the middle, and he never comes first to his wife. Ever.

Unless you can be sure your fiancée will get on board with discipline 100%, I’d think long and hard about this marriage. You might point out to her that she’s not doing her son any favors in the long run by not requiring anything from him. Sorry to sound so negative, but I’ve seen nothing but bad news from situations like this when the bio parent doesn’t want to parent like they should. Also keep in mind that coddled kids rarely launch when they should, so it won’t necessarily be over at 18 or 22. Good luck.


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## mriaaalis (Jul 2, 2020)

NextTimeAround said:


> My nephew who is 17 and whose mother very proudly crowed that he got a 3.7 for the year, used to keep his face in front of a device even during dinner. They get over it.


absolutely agree
it's just the feature of this generation - it is rather ok for kids nowadays to be inseparable with gadgets, but that shouldn't be considered something bad, I think.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

cheapie said:


> Ok, I think many are missing the real issue here. The OP is being given many suggestions on methods to discipline this boy and limit his electronic devices until he gets chores done, etc. But I think he can figure that out. Knowing how to discipline is not the problem.
> 
> The kid is not really even the problem. Not to be unkind, Tommy, but your fiancée is the problem.
> 
> ...


^^This.

I don't think the parents should be calling the children at all while they're with their other parent, but the kids should be able to contact either parent whenever they like.

Another thing to remember OP, and so many adults seem to forget, is that divorce is an absolutely devastating life event for kids. The fallout is lifelong for them. The bottom falls out of their world, they lose their sense of security, the family unit and are shuttled back and forth between two homes. The adults would balk at the idea of doing that themselves, yet they expect the children to do it all through their childhood in some cases. Then comes the new partners, step parents, step siblings and extended family. And they asked for, and likely want, none of it.

I'm reading a book at the moment called Primal Loss - it's eye opening and heart breaking.

Try to remember these things in your dealings with him, the poor kid likely has enormous emotions swirling in his head, but no idea how to express them let alone navigate them.


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