# Trying to avoid lonliness after breakup



## LostinUS (Jul 28, 2012)

I'm in my 40s, just had a breakup and realize i dont have many friends. And lonliness is starting to set in. What should i do?

I am almost 4 weeks post breakup with my exgf of 3 years. My story is on a post called Feeling at Fault after breakup. 

I wanted to ask about how to avoid lonliness settling in. I've been struggling the last 2 weeks with this. My kids are still visiting their mom for the summer, so its mostly been just me...and my cat.

Oh, and why did i not struggle the first two weeks after the breakup? Can i blame it on my "Y" chromosome? I went about my business the first two weeks fine. Then feelings of missing her came flooding back at week 2 because i accidentally came across her on social media and the stuff she was doing. 

I did nearly everything with her for the last 3 yrs. She was my best friend. If not, i might do something with just my kids and/or family. That really pissed my controlling ex off!

So what have i been trying to do with friends & family since I've been broken up?

That's part of the problem.
1. I have spent some time with my mom and sis. They live close by. They have been great helping me get through this. But the distance is just enough that i dont have that everyday. 

2. I have some friends, but most are coworkers. They have been great trying to convince me i can do better, etc. And they are there to listen on a phone call or text. But they are married and have a life too.

3. My other friends are close with my ex or their wives are close with my ex. They all live in the same hood. I unwittingly made the mistake with spending A LOT of time with all of them when i was with my ex. And of course, now, none of them have checked on me. I reached out to one of them back on Aug 1, and told him the breakup was a little rough. My mistake. Despite him saying he knows it must be painful and we can meet for a beer anytime, i never hears back from him. And despite reassuring me he wont say anything, i know his wife will talk, so i realize its probably not for the best to hang out with him. I know they all prob support her which i get. Still really hurts!

4. The few other friends i have i havent seen in a long time and its been impossible to get together despite me reaching out.

I am not an introvert when hanging out with others, and i can make friends pretty easy, but i do like some alone time too. 
And yes, i know the difference between lonely and alone. Its the Friday/Saturday nights spent home alone because everyone else is busy that i begin to feel lonely because i feel i shohldnt be home alone on a Fri or Sat nite. And I prefer not to go to a bar alone. Seems too desperate.

So in a nutshell, i lost touch over the years with the few friends i once had and put all my eggs in one basket when it came to my current friends. And now i have no one to do things with or just hang out. 

These feelings of lonliness and not having as many fun things to do (because i did so much with my ex) is eating me up because i am still hurting from the breakup. And i think this is one big feeling why i miss her. Going out and doing fun things together. And now, my life has changed and I dont know how to recapture that.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

LostinUS said:


> I'm in my 40s, just had a breakup and realize i dont have many friends. And lonliness is starting to set in. What should i do?
> 
> ......I wanted to ask about how to avoid lonliness settling in. I've been struggling the last 2 weeks with this. My kids are still visiting their mom for the summer, so its mostly been just me...and my cat.
> 
> ...


I hate to see a post that nobody responds to.

I would like to make an observation and a few suggestions. I am 68.

(1) There is a huge difference between companionship/friendship and co-dependence.

(2) As a man who use to be a "Nice Guy" you sound like a "Nice Guy." That is not a complement. To understand what I just said you will need to get a copy of Glover's book No More Mr. Nice Guy. It is about men raised by women who seek approval and validation from women. It is about being clingy and emotionally needy. Nice Guys, aren't all that attractive to most women. 

(3) If you study Glover's book he will give you some great suggestions in becoming an integrated man who women find fascinating. He will tell you how to "Get a life" and become a better more integrated man (not a jerk) who has real interests that challenge him physically and mentally and how with such a life he isn't dependent upon a woman or anyone else for his emotional validation. You will never be lonely again.

Good luck.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Do you have any hobbies? Do any of your friends share those interests?

Get your buds and go golfing, or riding, or fishing, or whatever it is that you look forward to doing. Share the joy. 

If you don't have any hobbies, start looking for one you will enjoy. There are clubs and social organizations for anything and everything you can imagine.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

If it was me, I'd go buy a Mustang GT convertible (manual of course) and start modding the hell out of it. That's my plan if I don't work it out with my lying and drug abusing fiancee. Women suck and cars don't. 

Seriouslly, best way to get over someone is under someone new. Go find a new girl that's better in every way and you'll forget her soon. This always worked for ex girlfriends back in college, should work now that we are older.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

OP as Young at Heart said - get NMMNG and read it. In the meantime to alleviate being alone or loneliness, whichever may be the case, join some Meet Ups. I recommend avoiding Singles Meet Ups and instead look for those that have similar interests as you do. One cure for being home on a Friday or Saturday night is to have a reason to stay home, because you have to get up early to go to a meet up. Besides that, not everyone is "busy" Friday and Saturday. In fact there a quite a few just going thru the motions of being busy by unhappily spending time with anyone just to avoid loneliness. So find your hobbies, become involved and stop worrying about "every" one else. Because "every" one else is not doing what you may think they are doing.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

When a relationship ends and you were spending all of your free time with that person it is normal for their to be a vacuum that needs to be filled. It usually doesn't take long to fill it, but you might have to be patient. All you have to do is go back to doing what it was you enjoyed before you were with her. Get back into your old hobbies. Feel free to call up old buddies and ask if they want to hang out and grab a beer or watch a game. You can also google search for events going on in your town and head to some of those. Or if all else fails hit the gym!


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I am right there with you right now. My boyfriend and I broke up 2 weeks ago and right now I am struggling to get myself out of bed in the morning. This is why people hesitate to get involved again and it is a risk to put your heart out there and then face rejection. I have had to tell myself over and over again that I cannot define myself on my ex-boyfriend's needs/desire/wants/wishes. The times together replay in my memory over and over but we can turn those memories into positive by realizing what we liked and what we would want in a relationship in the future.

For me, right now I am pouring myself into my work, trying to get to the gym, reaching out to friends and family more, catching up on projects. I think sadness is part of the process and something we have to go thru as painful as it is. If you have anykind of spiritual connection I have found scriptures to be helpful. Mourn and realize it is just that. We can move on!!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

In the age of communications being what it is nowadays, you're not trying if you're lonely. Dating sites and meetup stuff..... you will have to fight for your life for free time.

Don't not fill the void left by your gf with just anyone. Getting a new hobby, or revisiting an old one is the best advice you e already been given. 

Just remember, you WON'T be single long of you want someone. Try not to look at it as something bad, something that makes you lonely. Try to see it as a time in your life when you can do whatever the heck you want to.


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