# How to know when it is time?



## FamilyDude (Jan 23, 2013)

Hi folks,

I posted about 6 months ago, regarding problems with my wife of less than a year. We've been working with several counselors and it seems like we get better one week and then worse the next.

I made a mistake marrying my wife. It was a rebound relationship having just been devastated by my ex leaving me after 13 years. Within 18 months of the divorce, I married my current wife. I didn't see it as a "rebound" relationship at the time but clearly it was.

To be blunt, I've bit off way more than I chew. I have four step kids in addition to my own two of which I have shared custody. My wife was working full time before we were married and we discussed that continuing once things were settled. That hasn't happened yet for various reasons. She does attend graduate school so eventually we will have two incomes, but that is about 3 years down the road. Plus the college loans will be quite steep so, I'm not sure how much her income will actually help. I've had to give up quite a bit to make the finances work. All of my hobbies....GONE! We are literally living check to check, which is not what I had expected. I'd be somewhat more accepting of the situation, if DW would keep a clean house. The house which I owned prior to getting married, is a complete wreck! There are piles of laundry everywhere. My wife keeps heaps of piles on our room. It is sometimes difficult to see our floor....it's THAT bad! 

The step kids are challenging. I've really bonded with two of them, but the other two have been difficult for different reasons. My wife and I do NOT see eye to eye on how to handle issues with the kids. This has been a huge point of contention. It creates an enormous power struggle between myself and the wife/skids. We fight about everything. We have almost no shared interests. DW does not have any hobbies, so I am left to be her "everything". I'm starting to loathe going home. I know every time we open our mouths, it's going to lead to an argument. I find myself fantasizing about being a bachelor again quite frequently.

There are some positives. 

My wife is honest and challenges me to grow
We have a great physical connection and active sex life
Our core values are similar
She's loyal
The step siblings get along splendidly and look forward to spending time together.
The financial strain may be temporary.

Honestly, my heart is not in this any more. As much as I don't want to hurt my wife or step kids, I keep thinking about how much worse it will be if we prolong things. We aren't even at the one year mark. The stress and fights between DW and I have already taken a huge toll on the kids. DW is crushed. She knows that I want out, even though I'm continuing to try. IDK....part of me says...this is my fault...just deal with it, even if you are miserable. I'd just HATE to find myself divorcing DW 5 years down the road having been miserable the whole time. OR....maybe it will get better.

To make matters worse, DW will not agree to divorce so it will be up to me to file and ask her to leave the house. She was living with her parents before we met and I'm sure she could move back in with them. I HATE THIS and don't know what to do. I know how hurtful it is to have a spouse leave....I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy so I'm completely conflicted. I just wish DW would agree to cut our loses and move on. I'm miserable and if my wife were honest, so is she! Anyone care to share some insight or advice? Do I try a different MC and stick with it? How long is a reasonable amount of time to try to work on a relationship that's been really bumpy from the first week of marriage?

TIA


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

I'm having trouble understanding why you want to leave? Because the kids are a challenge? What if they were your bio kids?


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## FamilyDude (Jan 23, 2013)

The kids are a huge stressor, but not by any means the reason I want to leave. They are actually the reason I haven't left yet. I want out because I'm miserable. DW and I don't get along.


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## soulconnection (Jul 10, 2013)

What are the issues that are making you guys fight? Have you thought about counseling or are you too over it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FamilyDude (Jan 23, 2013)

Just about any topic can be turned into an argument. Some of the more significant topics revolve around where we live (she wants to move), how to deal with the kids, and money. We've been seeing a counselor for a few months now.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Honestly from someone that has been married for 31yrs...you just listed your marriages strengths which are pretty much the big hitters for marriage. She has integrity, honesty, your sexually compatible, and attracted to each other, same core values, blended family gets along and finances you have a plan. What it sounds like you have is to much stress in your lives and that you two have bitten off more than you can chew. Graduate school...newlyweds...new blended family...new single bread winner household...need a maid... Yeah I can see why you have problems....you introduced way to much change into everyones lives all at once and no one has had time to adjust. I don't think you need to divorse, I think you need to sit down and deal with the thing you now call your family. Organization ...structure...schedules and everyone needs to pitch in and help....you have a lot on your plates.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## salt (Aug 26, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## salt (Aug 26, 2012)

I know this isn't regarding your marriage but it's about your son who soils himself. I was in a similar position and they finally diagnosed me will fecal impaction. I didn't know when I was having 'an accident'. I had a small stay in hospital and although I still suffer from constipation i haven't soiled myself since. This could be worth going to your doctor about?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FamilyDude (Jan 23, 2013)

mineforever said:


> Honestly from someone that has been married for 31yrs...you just listed your marriages strengths which are pretty much the big hitters for marriage. She has integrity, honesty, your sexually compatible, and attracted to each other, same core values, blended family gets along and finances you have a plan. What it sounds like you have is to much stress in your lives and that you two have bitten off more than you can chew. Graduate school...newlyweds...new blended family...new single bread winner household...need a maid... Yeah I can see why you have problems....you introduced way to much change into everyones lives all at once and no one has had time to adjust. I don't think you need to divorse, I think you need to sit down and deal with the thing you now call your family. Organization ...structure...schedules and everyone needs to pitch in and help....you have a lot on your plates.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you for the insight. You're right...we do have a lot on our plates right now. DW and I love each other.....it's never been a question about where are hearts are. It's just, when you add in the stress of so many kids and all of the financial complications, it's very easy to get overwhelmed. I will give it more time and lots of effort and see what unfolds.


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