# Husband Won't Look for Work



## Confused Love (Dec 29, 2010)

My husband was a hard working man with a good work ethic and a great personality. After a few lay offs however his confidence (i'm guessing) is shot. He won't look for work. He says he can't bring himself to do it. We have been living with his parents for a year and half because of this. I have tried to encourage him in every way that I know how, from calmly discussing options, little jokes, gentle encouragements, to yelling (not my proudest moments), fighting and just giving up. One day I tried to talk to him about a plan for getting out of his parents house and he said he didn't have one. He always has a plan for everything so this was a bit shocking. He said that the most he has thought about it was he would eventually look for work but he just can't right now. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to live at his parents forever watching him play video games. I love him and I want to help but I really don't know what else I can do besides being patient, but that only goes so far!


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## Confused Love (Dec 29, 2010)

Looks like other people don't know what to do either. LOL Thank you to those of you who at least checked it out.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

He may have severe anxiety after being laid off. Losing a job can be traumatic if there was a long history there. Try to get him to open up about that.
Aside from that, your husband needs a kick in the pants. Tell him about your lost patience. Remind him that he's a grown man, not a little boy. Married couples need their own space to blossom as a pair.
Give him a deadline for employment counseling. I don't know if you have access to community based free programs. Come to an agreement about the time frame for moving into your own place. 
This has gone on for too long!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## julia71 (Oct 25, 2010)

It's not uncommon for men to suffer from lack of self esteem when losing their jobs and the longer they are out of work the worse it gets. Often times, as their wife, with every good intention, asks them about finding work, it makes them feel more down on themself, thereby creating a vicious cycle. It's a fine line to have to tread as the wife, to want to help/encourage him to find work but not nag or make him feel like less of a provider while doing it. I've not had this problem with my husband myself, so I'm only speaking from what I've read about, etc. Perhaps depression is starting to play a role? Is there any way he'd be willing to talk about this if you approach it that you want to know how he's feeling and care more about that than his finding work?


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I couldn't take living at ANYONE'S parents home. I would work my tail off and find housing that I could afford on my own, without any financial help from him. Then I'd move out. If it took working two jobs, that's what I'd do. Hopefully he will follow your example. And if y'all are out on your own, maybe that will be the impetus to get off his duff and get busy looking for work. It would be a start. As long as y'all are there, and his parents are responsible for your upkeep, then there's no real reason for him to change what he's doing. Good luck.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

He might be depressed. I've suffered from depression in the past, and it makes you have no energy at all, not even energy to think much less actually do anything. Not that it excuses him, exactly, but it would explain it. 

If there's any possibility that it's depression, the best thing to do is get him into a doctor and get him started on treatment. Once the depression starts to lift with treatment, he'll find the energy to think and motivate himself to find a job. 

And if that's not the case, then he's just a lazy butt and you need to apply boot to butt and either get him moving or get on with your life.


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## Confused Love (Dec 29, 2010)

Thank you for all your responses. 

*MrsG:* A kick in the pants is totally necessary! I just don't now what that looks like. When I tried to set a time limit and suggested that maybe I need move along (the context of that statement would be better understood with more detail) he told me I was walking out on him in his time of need and if that was the case I should just leave right then. 

*Julia71/ATruckersGirl:* I will try and talk to him about his feelings, though he is not very expressive in that department, but I will try. We both think depression is a factor but we have had no medical insurance to get help. He also has stated that he doesn't need any and doesn't want to talk about it with anyone. 

*Major Misfit:* Yeah, living with his parents is driving me crazy. They are great people but I really need my own home. I am working on getting those jobs. I don't have a college degree, limiting my options, but I am applying places.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Confused Love said:


> Thank you for all your responses.
> 
> *MrsG:* A kick in the pants is totally necessary! I just don't now what that looks like. When I tried to set a time limit and suggested that maybe I need move along (the context of that statement would be better understood with more detail) he told me I was walking out on him in his time of need and if that was the case I should just leave right then.
> 
> ...



I didn't have a college degree either. I've worked some jobs that gave you nightmares at night. But they paid the bills.  
I know it's a tough economy, but there are more jobs out there than people realize. You just gotta know where to look, and you have to get out there and pound the beat. Go into every place you can think of, and ask to fill out an application...even if they say they aren't hiring. You never know who might like the way you look and decide to give you a shot. 
If your husband is dealing with depression and is resistant to getting help, I guess the best you can hope for is that once you find work and rent an apartment, he'll follow your lead. Let's hope so.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I agree with atruckersgirl, it sounds to be like he is depressed and his self-esteem is in the toilet over losing his job. Men take this a lot harder than women.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> He might be depressed. I've suffered from depression in the past, and it makes you have no energy at all, not even energy to think much less actually do anything. Not that it excuses him, exactly, but it would explain it.
> 
> If there's any possibility that it's depression, the best thing to do is get him into a doctor and get him started on treatment. Once the depression starts to lift with treatment, he'll find the energy to think and motivate himself to find a job.
> 
> And if that's not the case, then he's just a lazy butt and you need to apply boot to butt and either get him moving or get on with your life.


You changed your picture, I had to look twice to make sure it was you - nice.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

It throws me off when people change their avatar. And Greenpearl is THE WORST!!!! I say that with a smile, btw (b/c she's got some beautiful pictures). Ok...t/j over...


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## Confused Love (Dec 29, 2010)

Give some warning before an avatar change. Got it.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Confused Love said:


> Give some warning before an avatar change. Got it.


lol...it's a good idea, but it won't help me any. Don't take that personally, it's just my crazy brain at work. Hope you enjoy your stay here! Nice bunch of people.


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## Confused Love (Dec 29, 2010)

Nothing personal taken!  
I have very much enjoyed my time here so far. I look forward to many future conversations! I hope I can help others despite my limited experiences.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

hehe...sorry about that. Didn't mean to mess with brains. I won't be changing it again, so at least I won't be the cause of any more confusion.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

To be honest it sounds like his parents have been spoiling him, and he's been using the excuse of getting laid off to manipulate others into letting him free-load. Seriously...

You mentioned that he once had a good work ethic so it's time to bring that side of him back by refusing to acknowledge his excuses and start giving him sh-t about being a free-loader - his parents as well have to understand this as well.

One and half years is just TOO long.


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