# Hopelessly Lost...



## EmptyShell (Oct 23, 2013)

I don't know what to do and I don't feel like anybody I know truly understands so I am hoping to get some support here...

Here is the story:

I have been married for just over 2 years, we have been together for just over 4 and we have known each other for 9 years. 

Our relationship has never really been easy. We were friends long before we were lovers and at that time we talked about anything and everything. We went through a period of 3 years of not talking while I was with my ex-husband and reconnected again 4 1/2 years ago. At that time, my previous marriage was over, I was in denial and didn't want to accept it but reconnecting with my old friend and the emotions that suddenly began forming woke me up. I left my ex-husband at that time and have been with my current one ever since.

He suffers from severe depression, chronic pain and is an extremely negative person. This has added a lot of stress to our relationship and has led to problems in other areas such as our sex life and our ability to communicate with each other. I have always felt like I was the one making all the sacrifices to keep our marriage going and it feels like it has always been an uphill battle just to try to stay content, reaching happiness on occasion.

I should now mention that we have an open marriage, meaning that we can pursue sex with men or women outside of our marriage and that if we found somebody that both of us were compatible with, we would consider expanding our family to include them.

So...fast forward to current events. 2 1/2 months ago I was introduced to somebody by a friend. We were moving into our first purchased home and he offered to come help us move all of our stuff over. This man and I, immediately connected and became friends. We started a fitness plan together where we would go for long walk/jogs 3 times a week to try to lose weight.

It started out so innocently, there was no sexual attraction on my part and we just enjoyed each others' company. We learned quite a bit about one another and found that we had a lot in common. We could talk for hours and the conversation would never get dull and even when there were breaks, it all was so natural. Anyways, we started doing other things together, going out for meals (we are both foodies and love to explore the hole-in-the-wall restaurants in our city). The things we were doing were things my husband would never do with me. 

Eventually, the relationship became physical and my husband began to try and control the time we were spending together. His jealousy and lack of trust in me drove an even deeper wedge in our marriage and pushed me and this new man even closer together. The more he said we couldn't see each other, the more we needed to be together and it became evident that our relationship was more than just friends with benefits. When we finally admitted our feelings to one another it was incredible. The realization hit us both very hard. We both believe we are soul mates.

I did not fall in love with him because of anything my husband did, right or wrong. I did not fall for him because he was a better person than my husband or because I was running from him. It was not for what this man and I have in common or what my husband and I don’t or even for the fun we had together. I fell in love with him because of the deep connection that we have, a connection that seems to be unbreakable, and irreplaceable. It is as if we have always been together and always will be together. Like some sort of quantum entanglement across the multiverse. I feel it at the core of my being and there are no words to express it. Loving him is as easy and as natural as breathing and it doesn't seem to matter how much and how hard I have fought it, it has thrust itself upon me and it won't...let...go. I have never believed in souls (in the common sense of the word anyway), but I have no other way to describe it other than a connection that spans all space and all time: eternal. And what other definition of soul is there than that...

I was honest with my husband throughout, not always at the right moments, as we were fighting so often. He was hurt when he learned we were in love, but he tried to find a way to make it work, asking that I tried to spend equal amounts of time with both of them and that he had more opportunities to get to know my friend. We tried to reignite our own spark. Going on a date and we had some fun, though it wasn't easy, and when we got home instead of sex, we ended up fighting yet again. 

My husband left the next day to his parents. He left his ring and said, "Have a nice life..." among some other hurtful things. I was hurt and I cried for a long time. My friend was there to comfort me. I told him we had to say goodbye and not see each other anymore. The thought was unbearable to us both. It took all night to finally say goodbye. Even after he left, I couldn't stop texting him. I tried so hard. I just felt so alone. 

Since then my husband and I have been back and forth, on the cusp of separation. He has threatened and almost succeeded in committing suicide over this. It has been a roller coaster. He wants to try and make this work, he has stopped all the drugs, agreed to get healthy...basically correct all the things that I have been begging him to change for years. And I know he's trying...but I feel so dead inside without my friend. The world has lost all color. My life seems so meaningless, like I am just coasting along. Everything my husband does to try and bring more romance back in our relationship, like taking us to the place we had our wedding photos done, just makes me want to take me friend there. 

We have a blended family, 2 children from previous marriage, one from this one and he loves them all as his own. Am I just staying with my husband for the kids? Will this emptiness ever go away?

I feel like I am just drifting...


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## Kolors (Sep 27, 2013)

Did he ever get treatment for his depression and anxiety? If not, he should do that before he even thinks about working our your situation.

I also cannot imagine the stress that an open marriage would make on a couple, much less on a family with kids.

I can say this much, you won't respect him until he gets emotionally stronger and it sounds like it will be impossible for him to be 100% if you aren't supporting him, especially if he suffering from depression and anxiety. Any little thing will make an anxious person lose their mind and regress to being a mess.

I totally hope you two work things out but this man needs someone to help him. I would totally say to focus on just one partner for a while if you want to save either of your relationships. If you all do indeed share a need for a multipartner relationship, get him healthy first and then work on the extra partner together.

What a totally interesting story you have.


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