# Wife asked for a separation and i just found out she has been cheating



## texastexastwostep (Mar 25, 2013)

Im [31/m] and my wife(29/f) asked me for a separation and said it was her not happy with her...just found out she has been cheating. Help!So long story short my wife asked me to move out because she wasnt happy. We have been married for 3 years and together for 5. We have a daughter who is 4 and she has a son from before we were married who is 10. I asked if it was someone else...she assured me it wasnt. I asked if she wanted to be single she assured me that was not the case. I asked if she wanted a divorce and she said she wanted to go to counseling and no she didnt.
After being suspicious of the number of texts and calls she has been receiving lately, I pulled phone records and noticed some excessive activity with a number (her ex/sons father). She said that I invaded her privacy and that she was getting her on line so she didnt have to walk on egg shells about ho she was talking to.
So she left her old iphone home and it didnt add up to me. So i pulled the history from the phone and saw some news that she had at least kissed another guy (someone different than her ex) and that she was sending him sexually explicit texts on what she would do etc. Also she has been talking to at least 2 other guys and not sure if those are just talking to or what.
We are going to counseling and our next appointment is on Thursday. I plan on bringing it up there as opposed to before where things could get out of hand. I dont know what to do. Should I be planning on a divorce at this point.
Any advice or suggestions on what I should do would be greatly appreciated. Thanks


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Tex I am somewhat new here . Read through some of these threads. The Common theme is 
1.Stand up for yourself
2.Demand Answers now
3.Do not leave the home
4.You must be willing to loose your marriage in order to save it
5. Demand full trasparancy
6. Get all passwords from all devices
7.Get a Voice activated Recorder and use it
8.Search for software to retrieve deleted meggages(there are lots out there) ask around here.
9. Most of all do not show any weakness
10.When you have the Identity of the other Guy/ Guys Expose them
11.Expose your wife She will be rerfered to as the WS or WW
Do this all NOW to get a fast and less painful resolution and MOVE ON


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

texastexastwostep said:


> Should I be planning on a divorce at this point.


Probably.



> Any advice or suggestions on what I should do would be greatly appreciated. Thanks


First, don't leave the house. Leaving the house is frequently bad for custody issues. If she wants to date other men, she can leave your child with you and she can leave.

Also, talk to a lawyer. Divorce is a process. Just because you're talking to lawyers doesn't mean you're going to file. And even if you file, that doesn't mean you can't call it off. Even a quickie divorce will likely take months. So start the process.

Your lawyer can tell you what exactly you should do to maximize your chances of getting the most custody possible and minimizing any support payments you may have to make to your wife.

Good luck.


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## texastexastwostep (Mar 25, 2013)

Thanks for your input...to address a few of the points:



just got it 55 said:


> Tex I am somewhat new here . Read through some of these threads. The Common theme is
> 1.Stand up for yourself *I am beginning to do this*
> 2.Demand Answers now *I have and get the defensive you dont trust me I have done nothing. But I am bringing this up at the Counselor on Thursday first thing.*
> 3.Do not leave the home * Before I found this out, I had secured a 3 month lease at an apartment down the road. so this is a little late for this step*
> ...


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Do not retreat. 

Tell her you will not tolerate gas lighting and you will not leave your home. If she wants to cake eat, she can do so elsewhere on her own accord, with her own money, away from the children.

Counseling is a waste of cash if she is still in contact with other men and you end up getting divorced anyway, just my humble opinion.

Forgot to add, practice this http://www.network54.com/Forum/233195/thread/1302875291/last-1353857556/The+180


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You do not have the full truth.
1. Even if you have a 3 month lease move back to your home and do not let her know which nights you will be staying home.
2. Always a good idea to get tested for STD's.
3. If any of the OM are married or in a relationship then you need to expose them.
4. Always a good idea to see a lawyer just to know your options.

This is very typical of a cheater. They will try to kick you out of the home calling it a separation so they can continue their affair unimpeded. Move half of your things back home at once. Remember no consequences to their actions equals no motivation to change. Good luck.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Forget counseling unless she's going to bring in all her boyfriends too. You don't have two people in your marriage. Everyone who is intimate with her in flesh or word needs to have an understanding. 

Drop divorce papers on her and request 50-50 custody. Be the best dad you can be to your daughter. Let the wife go. She isn't likely to change for the long-term.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

I agree counselling seems to be a little bit of a mute point, her behaviour suggests she checked out of the marriage for quite some time, and she hasn't been exactly forth coming with the information you had to snoop around to find. No doubt she would have kept it hidden and still gone to MC and probably lied right through it.


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## texastexastwostep (Mar 25, 2013)

Yes I have called and spoken to a counselor over the phone and was advised if possible try and hold off on bringing it up until our session (which may be our last) on Thursday. I have also received some law advice pertaining to me moving out and the ramifications that will have on custody. No ramifications for me moving out or for her infidelity when it comes to custody is what I was told. When there is a separation there is always someone that moves out. Abandonment doesnt come into play unless someone just up and leaves for good. I appreciate all the insight and advice.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

texastexastwostep said:


> Yes I have called and spoken to a counselor over the phone and was advised if possible try and hold off on bringing it up until our session (which may be our last) on Thursday. I have also received some law advice pertaining to me moving out and the ramifications that will have on custody. No ramifications for me moving out or for her infidelity when it comes to custody is what I was told. When there is a separation there is always someone that moves out. Abandonment doesnt come into play unless someone just up and leaves for good. I appreciate all the insight and advice.


 The lawyer told you the law but did not tell you the real world impact of you moving out. Once out, you can never move back in. I do not care that you have leased a place for three months, let it go empty. Because she lied to you, you did not know that she was cheating when you leased it; that gives you the right to change the deal, since the deal was based on a lie. She wants you out because most cheaters rationalize that once you are separated that sleeping with others is no longer cheating as you were "separated".

As for waiting for the counselor to confront, why bother? Your wife needs to want to fix the marriage for a counselor to work. Do you really think that the counselor telling her that cheating is bad for the marriage will accomplish anything? Your wife will think you weak for waiting for the support of the counselor to confront, so confront now and on your own. See the counselor only if both you and your wife want to try to fix the marriage.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Exposure is not to the OM. 

Expose the affairs to your wife's parents and anyone in her life whose opinion she values. It's not to belittle her or to get revenge. Exposure is to get help from people in her life to stop the affair. It should go something like this:
_
(Parents) your daughter and I are going through some tough times right now because she is have relationships with (xxx, xxx, and xxx). She asked me to leave our home and baby. I ask your support in helping end the affairs so we can work on our marriage. In the meantime I will seek legal advice and give counseling one more try. Thank you"_

Expose the affair to the OM's girlfriend or wife - not to him. Don't talk to the OM. Let the gf or w of the OM know that your wife has been having a relationship with the OM and may cause a divorce. 

If the gf/w gets the idea that your wife will be free to chase the OM they may put pressure on the OM to dump the W. 

These will help destroy her little fantasy. I still think you are clearing the smoke out of the room and ignoring the fire. Press on with the real threat of divorce. 

It takes about 90 days for a divorce to become final in Texas - she will have a few months to consider what she wants in life. If it's freedom - might as well know now. If it's you then you need to establish boundaries and get to the bottom of these inappropriate relationships.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Do not i repeat do not leave the home. Eat the 3 months rent and force her hand. Me or him your in or you are out tell me now. No fence sitting if not you make the decision and file now


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

TRy said:


> The lawyer told you the law but did not tell you the real world impact of you moving out. Once out, you can never move back in. I do not care that you have leased a place for three months, let it go empty. Because she lied to you, you did not know that she was cheating when you leased it; that gives you the right to change the deal, since the deal was based on a lie. She wants you out because most cheaters rationalize that once you are separated that sleeping with others is no longer cheating as you were "separated".
> 
> As for waiting for the counselor to confront, why bother? Your wife needs to want to fix the marriage for a counselor to work. Do you really think that the counselor telling her that cheating is bad for the marriage will accomplish anything? Your wife will think you weak for waiting for the support of the counselor to confront, so confront now and on your own. See the counselor only if both you and your wife want to try to fix the marriage.


There is a point of principle here. Why should you move out? To meekly accept this will be a show of weakness. Tell her to move.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Yeah you need to turn this puppy around on her. You are going to have to put your hurt aside and man up to get what you want.

Know right now you ain’t gonna win or nice her back, you are not in competition with the OM and to even try to compete will make you look weak. You have to make her WANT to end the A on her own and you don’t do that by trying to talk her out of it. Also understand it’s going to take some time for this to all sink in for her since she is deep in the fog right now but if you “man up” she’ll see the error of her ways. 

The guys that try to sweet talk there Ws back get walked on, the guys that kick their Ws to the curb and head straight to a D get Ws that beg to come back home. Read some of the stories on here and you will see the pattern as clear as day.

You want her to end the A and try to R? Tell her to GTFO and that you don’t want to married to someone that would cheat and disrespect you. When she sees you are more than ready to leave her behind her ego will take a hit and the reality of her situation will make her have second thoughts. Not only that, you get to keep your dignity in place.

When there is an A involved, negative re-enforcement works better than positive. 9 times out of 10, the a-hole gets a remorseful WS and the nice guy gets cuckolded.

Pick your poison.


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## texastexastwostep (Mar 25, 2013)

I cant afford the rent here by myself if that goes that way is the main reason I didnt press that.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I wouldn't confront yet.

You've got evidence of a kiss, she'll deny deny deny anything beyond that happened and then she'll cover her tracks real good.

If you do confront her about the kiss give her some boundaries to show she is remorseful and still wants marriage.

She moves back home.
She stops communicating with other men right now.
You have access to all her modes of communication.
You have knowledge of where she is at all times.

If she balks at any of these boundaries file for divorce.

Women only ever want a "separation" so they can go out and screw around.

The moment your wife proposed it to you you should have known there was another man.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

texastexastwostep said:


> I cant afford the rent here by myself if that goes that way is the main reason I didnt press that.


Cross that bridge when you come to it. If you end up divorced and you can't afford the rent then you will both have to move. For now she should continue to contribute to the rental payments, if only for the sake of her children. 

What message are you sending if you just accept that you have to suffer for her selfishness?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

texastexastwostep said:


> Yes I have called and spoken to a counselor over the phone and was advised if possible try and hold off on bringing it up until our session (which may be our last) on Thursday. I have also received some law advice pertaining to me moving out and the ramifications that will have on custody. No ramifications for me moving out or for her infidelity when it comes to custody is what I was told. When there is a separation there is always someone that moves out. Abandonment doesnt come into play unless someone just up and leaves for good. I appreciate all the insight and advice.


Understand that your counselor is in business to make money. Of course he wants you to keep the appointment.

I'm not trying to give you legal advice, but one constant axiom dispensed by TAM veterans is that you don't leave your marital home due to the WS's infidelity. That's based on the "potential" for abandonment based legal issues and the BS having the moral high ground in the marriage.

I agree with the poster who suggested that things have changed now that you know she was cheating. You would be well advised to move back into the house and ask her to leave. If she won't, nothing you can do about it except separate bedrooms. Your attorney should understand this. That doesn't mean you can't file for D.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Move back home. Tell her the apartment is available for her to use if she wants separation. 

Do please ask the counsellor why he/she wants to allow your wife to live a lie and to make mock of the counselling?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Fucch the rent pay it late if you have to it's her children too that will end up on the street.


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## texastexastwostep (Mar 25, 2013)

Its alot right now...Im not sure if D is the answer. I guess the confrontation on Thursday will be the deciding factor there. Before I learned of this stuff today, we were going to try and work things out but I dont know if it that is a possibility now. 

I am meeting with a lawyer tomorrow to discuss what the best route is for me. We do rent so moving out would is not as big of an issue in that matter as it would be if we owned. My driving goal has been to be in my daughters life every day of her life. I am starting to think that may not be an option of this is the path things are going to go.


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

Don't move out,it can be used against you in divorce when deciding child custody.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Tex

Move back now
Hash it out with the lawyer later

If infidelity IS a ca for in your state, get more solid evidence on her before you confront
Talk to your lawyer BEFORE you talk to the counselor on Thursday
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## texastexastwostep (Mar 25, 2013)

Maybe I didnt say or make it clear...I am still in and have been in the house. I am supposed to move in to apartment a week from Saturday. I am meeting with a lawyer tomorrow afternoon to talk about what the best approach is.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

ask your lawyer about breaking the lease. Since you haven't moved in it might just cost you cleanup fees.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Stay put. Stop the affair. Get your head strait. Be the best dad you can be. Then you can fix what needs fixing in your marriage. 
Your wife must show true remorse and repentance to regain your trust. Stay rock strong there is NO OTHER WAY. Weakness is the kiss of death in these matters.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

The human condition does not allow us to move past feeling safe. Physically or emotionally.
57 years old made every mistake a man can make listen to my words of life experence


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## StillLife (Jan 19, 2013)

Sorry you're going through this. Background is somewhat similar to my wife and me. Fortunately it sounds like you already have a better head on your shoulders about it then me and a lot of others. 

I would definitely expose the affair(s) where possible though. Only way to kill it quickly before things progress too far. And what someone said about having to be willing to lose the marriage to potentially save it is a must in this case. 

I don't know that confronting her with things is best done in counseling session though. There will be a lot of emotions running high I would have to imagine, and not a lot of progress. I would get it out of the way now and use therapy to help pick up the pieces...


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## texastexastwostep (Mar 25, 2013)

One of the reasons I am choosing to wait until Thursday (as hard as this is shaping up to be) is because I dont want her to back out of therapy. I want some closure there if that is what bringing this up causes. 



StillLife said:


> Sorry you're going through this. Background is somewhat similar to my wife and me. Fortunately it sounds like you already have a better head on your shoulders about it then me and a lot of others.
> 
> I would definitely expose the affair(s) where possible though. Only way to kill it quickly before things progress too far. And what someone said about having to be willing to lose the marriage to potentially save it is a must in this case.
> 
> I don't know that confronting her with things is best done in counseling session though. There will be a lot of emotions running high I would have to imagine, and not a lot of progress. I would get it out of the way now and use therapy to help pick up the pieces...


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

There are many poor and inept counselors. If your counselor is not experienced in infidelity he/she will likely ask you to forget the affairs and work on other things. Things they are familiar with - like finding misdeeds you've done. 

If that happens just walk out.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Divorce lawyers know how to divorce, not reconcile.

Many marriage counselors will advise you to forgive and make nice even while the affair is going full fledged, just to wait it out and nice her out of it. I hope yours is not like that.

I am not a counselor, but I have been around long enough and seen enough to know this: Your wife is damaged goods.

And I don't mean because she had a kid at 19 and got divorced. I mean because there is something broken inside of her that you will be spending years and years trying to fix, and it may never get fixed.

I mean because she is one of those people who need constant opposite sex attention. You just never noticed it or worried about it until she told you she wanted to separate.

Trust me, you know of three other men she is having sex with now (yes, she's likely having sex with them, she is not going to limit it to phone contact if they are within driving range and they definitely aren't going to limit it to just talk; she is an adult and so are they and adults meet up to have sex if they can).

It is likely that your wife has been cheating on you for most of your relationship.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

If you are considering reconciliation, stay in the house and fight for it.

Find out who are the other men, who are their wives/girlfriends, and expose the affair to their wives/girlfriends. Also expose it to their friends and families. Tell them other man is cheating with your wife and breaking up a young family with young children and ask them to use their influence to stop the affair.

Tell your wife you will consider working on the marriage, but only if she comes clean with the truth, ceases all contact with the other men, and allows you to verify it. Otherwise, you have too much pride and self-respect to stay in a marriage where your wife is choosing another man over you. Let her know you will consider going on with her, but you are willing and able to go on without her if that is her choice.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Listen to Will this is the best advice you are going to get

Good Luck in the end it will rest in your hands

take control of that


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## texastexastwostep (Mar 25, 2013)

I met with a lawyer today to find out what I need to do if that is the path this takes. I am going to confront her on Thursday at the counselor visit. 

Last night and this morning have been the hardest thing I have had to deal with in this relationship if not my adult life. Not confronting her or talking about it is almost impossible right now but I somehow got through last night and today. 

I do plan to say almost exactly say what Will suggested.

I will consider working on the marriage, but only if she comes clean with the truth now, ceases all contact with the other men now, and allows you to verify it. Otherwise, I have too much pride and self-respect to stay in a marriage where your wife is choosing another man over you. Let her know you will consider going on with her, but you are willing and able to go on without her if that is her choice. I can no longer be a doormat or a convenient spouse. 

I will also pose the question if she ever loved me.
What set this in motion?

I feel like I need answers to these.

I dont see her wanting to work but I can at least say that I gave it one more shot.


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## texastexastwostep (Mar 25, 2013)

On top of all of this tomorrow is our anniversary. 

Do I do anything? 

Do I even acknowledge it?

I'm up in the air.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Yes, I believe the cheating anniversary gift is full on exposure.


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## texastexastwostep (Mar 25, 2013)

What do you mean?



Shaggy said:


> Yes, I believe the cheating anniversary gift is full on exposure.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

texastexastwostep said:


> What do you mean?


I mean posting the OM on cheaterville.com and confronting your fee.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

He means no gift. Except the "gift" of truth. (Will's speech)


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

texastexastwostep said:


> I met with a lawyer today to find out what I need to do if that is the path this takes. I am going to confront her on Thursday at the counselor visit.
> 
> Last night and this morning have been the hardest thing I have had to deal with in this relationship if not my adult life. Not confronting her or talking about it is almost impossible right now but I somehow got through last night and today.
> 
> ...


Be prepared not to get them and deal with half truths and lies by admission. My wife had and EA, no evidence of a PA yet, but there are times when something new will pop out.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

She's only going to admit to what you can prove. When you do confront her, tell her just enough of what you know through your evidence so she can't deny it, maybe have some type of proof on hand in case she denies anyway.

But do NOT reveal how you found out her cheating or how you're keeping tabs on her. Otherwise you'll have just lost an effecive method of monitoring her actions and she'll go underground with her behavior.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

texastexastwostep said:


> On top of all of this tomorrow is our anniversary.
> 
> Do I do anything?
> 
> ...


I wouldn't even acknowledge it. What is there in your marriage to celebrate at this point?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

texastexastwostep said:


> On top of all of this tomorrow is our anniversary.
> 
> Do I do anything?
> 
> ...


Well, you could tell her you have a surprise. Take her to the bathroom and give her a blank anniversary card. Take it back and drop it in the bowl. Tell her she sh!t on the marriage and you're going to flush it.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

walkonmars said:


> Well, you could tell her you have a surprise. Take her to the bathroom and give her a blank anniversary card. Take it back and drop it in the bowl. Tell her she sh!t on the marriage and you're going to flush it.


Or this variation on that theme. Get a blank anniversary card and on the inside write, "Happy Anniversary you piece of..."


And then wipe your ass with the card. Leave it in a nice envelope on the kitchen counter.

Sorry. This woman just pisses me off for some reason. I don't even know her and I don't like her already.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

texastexastwostep said:


> On top of all of this tomorrow is our anniversary.
> 
> Do I do anything?
> 
> ...


For an anniversary such as yours, I recommend the gift of Skittles.
Be A Skittles Man | Chateau Heartiste


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

2 rules to remember, 1, never reveal your sources of info

2, every time their lips move, they are lying. That doesn't change until they experience remorse and want to R, and even the it is shaky.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

just tell her since the anniv is on a weekday, lets keep everything for the weekend. that way you can get to your MC appntmt on Thursday without doing a false anniv celebration.

Dont expose now. You havent thought it through and planned it well. Your plan is to expose during MC, so stick to it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Make a plan and work the plan, your emotions are your worst enemy right now.

This is all business right now....the business in not getting taken to the cleaners and the business of getting as much time with your kids as possible.

Don't let your heart get in the way.

Your wife must see how confident you are in letting her go.
Chicks dig confident men....your goal is getting her to think twice about her choices.....getting her to second guess her self when she see what she is about to lose.

If you start begging and cry your screwed!

If she she see you letting go it will scare her into a new reality that she didn;t expect. In her head you guys can still be friends cuz in her head she thinks you are clueless to what is really going on.

Your confrontation has to reek of confidence and don;t let the counselor phuck with you....its your way of the highway!

Again a tactic that shows your wife that you will *NOT* share her and that you can wish her the best but you are not playing around.

Dude wayward wife can smell fear and if you get caught with your pants down, your chick will smell it and now you aren't going any were and my friend that but her on the fence.

She her her new reality by being strong with the simple fact that you will not tolerate being deceived and it will be up to her to do the heavy lifting to keep this marriage cuz were your sitting its over....homey doesn't play around with cheaters so see you later...call me when your done screwing around, and decieving me!!!!

Tough love brother!!!!!!Tough love or forget about it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

And if anyone ask why you are so confident with your old ladies cheating...lie...tell them you hired a PI!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

One more thing, if you don;t go in to the counselor office with brace balls they will have you apologizing for your screwing around on you.

See you will get the blame shifting and gas lighting (only if you can get them to believe you know more then you do and your chick actually admits anything)

Most often guys walk into these things and get screwed and end up looking like the bad guy for not trusting their cheating wife.

Brother this is one big fantasy for you WW and she will play a violin like you won't believe...trust me

Do what you need to do, then sit back a listen...if I'm right then at least you are prepared. If I'm wrong then you believe what ever comes out of both there mouths while your wife stops all contact with these guys and recommits to you.

My money is on the finger pointing you are going to get and you will be so blindside that you will be speechless.

You will hear about the crap you did years ago that she still resents. You will hear sh1t you had no idea pissed your wife off....any thing to justify her fantasy (if you even get an admission).


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## texastexastwostep (Mar 25, 2013)

Appreciate the advice...wound up not getting her anything and didnt really talk all evening. I was planning on getting a card based on her reaction to me saying happy anniversary (and she said thanks). The happy anniversary was on a call to tell her my parents dog had been put down.

I did meet with a different lawyer today that specializes in men concerning paternity. Much better advice and plan of action.

I also contacted the counselor to let him know what was going to go down tomorrow. And he agreed that these questions needed to be answered and was on board.

She continues to say I made things worse for pulling the phone records yet she has no idea that I know everything along with straight up denial to being in the wrong at all. Big shocker coming to her tomorrow. At the advice of the lawyer in case we may need to use the actual texts, they advised me not to bring hard copies of anything, but merely quote something so she knows I know. 

Personally I feel stronger than I have felt for 5 years. I lost myself somewhere along the way trying to make this work on her terms. Those days are over.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> It takes about 90 days for a divorce to become final in Texas.


Actually, around 61 days.

Mine took 63 days because XW was out of town and one of us had to go before the judge. Her attorney asked if I wanted to attend and I told him that since she wanted the divorce I could wait a few more days.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry for the rant, been here to long to see how confronting with a counselor works out, guys that don't have the balls to walk out when sh1t goes bad regret it, guy that stand up and know whats what are glad they walked out.

Just remember to save the marriage you have to let her go! A tactic that will either pull her out of her fog or not and years from now she will regret it...sad but true.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If you do walk out most likely you will get **** for not trying, just remember until she stops all contact with these guys the dynamics of the marriage will always be infected.

So in short counseling won't mean crap if she continues to see other guys. So if you do get some grief in walking (if you need to) then you can inform your wife that MC will not help the marriage until there is no longer a third (or fourth) party influencing it!


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## texastexastwostep (Mar 25, 2013)

I do agree with you. Would it be rash to file for D if things go how I think they will.

I forsee her trying to flip it on me and say that I further invaded her privacy etc...playing the victim.

If I say either we move on together or we move on separately...that is your choice. And the answer I get is separately. Is it worth not being the one to start the fire?


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

texastexastwostep said:


> One of the reasons I am choosing to wait until Thursday (as hard as this is shaping up to be) is because I dont want her to back out of therapy. I want some closure there if that is what bringing this up causes.


Dude, you are throwing money down the drain attending counseling with this woman.

Consider this hypothetical scenario: There's a woman that you find totally unattractive. She wants you to go with her to see a counselor so that you can find her more attractive. Add in the fact that you are in love with your soulmate and the two of you have been having porn star rabbit sex.

Now I ask you - how much would counseling help?

Now consider this REAL scenario: There's a woman (your wife) that finds you totally unattractive. You want her to go with you to see a counselor so that she can find you more attractive. Add in the fact that she's in love with her soulmate and the two of them have been having porn star rabbit sex.

DO YOU NOW SEE MY POINT?

Counseling is not a magic bullet in your case. Until she is free of the OMs, you are pizzing your money away.


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## texastexastwostep (Mar 25, 2013)

The most F-d up part of the counseling scenario is that counseling was her idea.

I agree 100% that if she isnt free of the other guys there is no point in going to counseling. I intend to lay that out there too.




Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Dude, you are throwing money down the drain attending counseling with this woman.
> 
> Consider this hypothetical scenario: There's a woman that you find totally unattractive. She wants you to go with her to see a counselor so that you can find her more attractive. Add in the fact that you are in love with your soulmate and the two of you have been having porn star rabbit sex.
> 
> ...


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Her suggestion of counseling was manipulation to keep you in check while she has time to do her thing without you being suspicious.


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## texastexastwostep (Mar 25, 2013)

She forgot to factor in that I am smarter than her. I have been suspicious since she asked for the separation. And I saw some signs of the beginnings of this before as well.

In order to maintain status quo and be in my daughters life 100% of the time I shrugged it off before. 

Now is well passed that. I am ready to lose it or let her earn my trust back slowly. To me there is no other option. 

The thing that I am up in the air about is, is this fixable. 

Is it worth continuing to just be separated if she isnt willing to begin the process towards us? 

Should I just file for D and move forward?



walkonmars said:


> Her suggestion of counseling was manipulation to keep you in check while she has time to do her thing without you being suspicious.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Doesn't being separated just give her more time to be with OM?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Now what about the OM? Have you posted him on cheaterville.com yet?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You didn;t start the fire, she did with her deceit!'
Your just standing up and saying enough...it will be her choice to own this bad behavior and do the heavy lifting to turn this around or....deny deny deny and not face the unhealthy choices she is making for her self, her daughter and her husband.

Thats why all this crap is fantasy fog, she just doesn't get it.

Thats why the tactic I mention early worked for me, my old lady say the new reality.

See this has nothing to do with the marriage this is her making unhealthy choices and the possible stance in continuing the unhealthy choices.

At least thats how my old lady saw it as I was packing her crap up.

It really isn't about calling her out she knows what she has done, its not about what you did in the passed to piss her off with all kinds off resentment, its not about what she does from here on out....it about the new direction *you* are taking in what you want out of life from here on out.

See you can't control her, but you can make her face a reality that she truely doesn;t understand cuz other guy has her in this affair fantasy fog....once that fog is lifted she truely will see whats what....saddly in some case the wayward spouse just doesn;t get it or they have just are to far gone.


It will be up to your old lady to either catch up and keep up, or make the choice for her self in tearing apart a family unit by having other men in her life....and that is simply unhealthy for the current family unit!


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## texastexastwostep (Mar 25, 2013)

I was planning on lighting the forest on fire after I confront her. 
I have his wife's phone number
I found one of the other guys wives on facebook. 
The guy she kissed is single. 
And the other guy is married also but I dont know his last name or anything other than his phone number.

As I type that I just get more pissed. 4 F'n guys...what the hell. How could I forgive that. 

I do love her but I dont know if I can get passed the trust issue I will have probably forever now with her


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

sandc said:


> Doesn't being separated just give her more time to be with OM?


:iagree:

Dave Hester - YUP Compilation - YouTube


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> Now what about the OM? Have you posted him on cheaterville.com yet?


Ya what about exposure...the lawyer will disagree with this cuz they are in the business to end marriages not save them.

Exposing the OM to his GF or wife is a sure bet in ending an affair....thats for sure!

Exposure before confronting is an awsome tactic IMHO....To bad in my case there were so many OM's it would have taken years to track them all down especially since half of them my wife never knew there name.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

texastexastwostep said:


> I was planning on lighting the forest on fire after I confront her.
> I have his wife's phone number
> I found one of the other guys wives on facebook.
> The guy she kissed is single.
> ...


Your old lady is exactly 16 guy shy of my old ladies count, so don't beat your self up.

Its not how we get knocked down that matters, its how we get back up that counts.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thats right Tex, 20 guys in 13 years...I have got one broken chick on my hands....broken and nasty...but thats just how I'm wired!


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## texastexastwostep (Mar 25, 2013)

Yea my 4 pales in comarison but 4 simultaneous guys in just under 4 months...shes on pace to win that race.

Sorry that you had to go through that. Where do you stand with her now?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

3 years into a healthy R..lots of IC with her issues and lots of IC with my issues. Not much MC, emotionally healthier individuals make a healthier marriage. 

We bother *were* broken and alot of bad a crazy things in our past....just celebrated our 23 anny a couple a days ago.

Things are real good. I no longer slap her around and she no longer sleeps around, the kid are in a better place and I'm glad I handled it the way I did when I finally confronted, it just took over a decade to do it.

I confronted her 7 years into our M but swept it under the rug(big mistake)

3 years ago I had no problem in letting her go....to be honest I had no problem letting her the day I married her...I guess we both finally grew up in our forties...LOL


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Use reverse lookup or spokeo to get a name on that ph#.

And yes you can R but it has to be on YOUR terms, and only after her outrageous behavior is stopped. Don't leap at it - make her come to you with true remorse and a plan on how to make ammends.


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## texastexastwostep (Mar 25, 2013)

So I take it that you didnt file for D? 

I dont want to jump the gun but then again i dont want to be behind the wrong end of the gun either.

I do love her but if shes unwilling to change am I to just move out and be "separated?"

Should I stay here?
My one fear is that if I say I'm staying, she takes my daughter and leaves. I dont want to displace my daughter and any of her routines. Also my step son is involved here too so that would be 2 children put through that.




the guy said:


> 3 years into a healthy R..lots of IC with her issues and lots of IC with my issues. Not much MC, emotionally healthier individuals make a healthier marriage.
> 
> We bother *were* broken and alot of bad a crazy things in our past....just celebrated our 23 anny a couple a days ago.
> 
> ...


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Maybe you should call the guys wife while sitting the counselllors office.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

File for D was my next step but a corner was turned when I started packing her crap.

I do have to say that when you do confront you will have the confidence in knowing your options ...so well played in see a lawyer.

I sense she may see your confidence in that you know how the divorce will play out. If she decide to play that card "I'll take everything you got" you can say with confidence that .."no you won't, I already have talked to a lawyer....

See the your wifes mind set is alot different when she mentions the word separation it say " I want a break so I can screw around and if doesn't work out with one of the other guys I still have plan B. She will feel less guilty in her mind thinking you guys are just seperated.

Were as divorce has a finality to it ...not part of her fantasy world.

Make sense?

Your tough love stance with divorce is just another well played tactic in showing her that its serious and separation is out of the question.

Your telling her that if she continues this is it...the end of the marriage.

In my case my old lady knew it was time to stop, we were both in a dark place and it was not a matter of using a divorce tactic to scare her out of her fog....my old lady owned her crap and faced it head on when I confronted her.

But its been my experience on this forum that often young marriage like your need a little push and if your chick really wants to save her marriage she will submit to the heavy lifting she needs to do. but then again coming up on hitting 30 yo she may want that single life style only to regret it 10 years from now.

Thats the thing we don;t know if your chick is going to bail and not face this crap or drop to her knees and beg for forgiveness.


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## texastexastwostep (Mar 25, 2013)

So should I take the stance of I'm not leaving. Feel free to leave if you like.



the guy said:


> File for D was my next step but a corner was turned when I started packing her crap.
> 
> I do have to say that when you do confront you will have the confidence in knowing your options ...so well played in see a lawyer.
> 
> ...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

texastexastwostep said:


> Should I stay here?
> My one fear is that if I say I'm staying, she takes my daughter and leaves. I dont want to displace my daughter and any of her routines. Also my step son is involved here too so that would be 2 children put through that.


I think you should stay and fight.

Seperation is not an option...go straight to D... she will have 60 maybe 90 days to turn a corner before its finalized.

So filing is not the same thing as finalizing, get the D moving if she want to keep behaving the why she is.

Tough love is not only about making it tough for her, but its also tough on you to make these hard choices. 

Her toding around with 2 kids from couch to couch will surely be tough on the kids but then again your old lady has made her bed and its time to lay in it.

Often a few days will go by and she will see that the kids are effecting the life style she thinks she wants and will bring them back. 

Remeber her taking the kids will have a huge impact on her.


If she does bail, make sure your lawyer has emegency custody set in place until custody can be finalized.

She may be so deep in the fog that she doesn't see how unhealthy it would be for her to take the kids, then again she may see in a few days that hurting you isn't worth crampping her life style and bamb your a single dad.

Take the chance let her see her new reality as she drags 2 kids around for a couple of days.

Sure it sucks for the kids, but it will really suck if you bail and some phucker is sitting in your lazyboy, eating your food, wearing your bath rope and watching your TV while your sleeping on the floor somewere.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You don't leave. You expose the truth and you stay put. If she leaves that's her choice.


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## texastexastwostep (Mar 25, 2013)

Prior to me finding this all out...I had planned on getting an apartment down the street to give her "space for her" which is a crock of sh*t. 

So obviously things have changed. 

In reading the texts I read that she is going to try and rendezvous with the ex on the day I move out. I plan on blowing that up by calling his wife after the session tomorrow.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

texastexastwostep said:


> Prior to me finding this all out...I had planned on getting an apartment down the street to give her "space for her" which is a crock of sh*t.
> 
> So obviously things have changed.
> 
> In reading the texts I read that she is going to try and rendezvous with the ex on the day I move out. I plan on blowing that up by calling his wife after the session tomorrow.


Hell yeah!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

texastexastwostep said:


> Prior to me finding this all out...I had planned on getting an apartment down the street to give her "space for her" which is a crock of sh*t.
> 
> So obviously things have changed.
> 
> In reading the texts I read that she is going to try and rendezvous with the ex on the day I move out. I plan on blowing that up by calling his wife after the session tomorrow.


Why after the session? Why not during or while your in the waiting room?

Her phone will blowup during the session and maybe she will be the one that walk out of the sesion.

See if you do it *after* she will have time to warn OM....timeing is everything in having an effective confrontation.

I suggest you get to the counselors office and then excuse your self to use the bath room and then call the OMW. Then apon your return you confront your WW?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In fact don't even tell your wife about the ex, just confront her about the 3 other guys and let the ex confront your wife about you confronting ...I mean exposing this to his wife?

May I suggest you guys take one car...the ride home should be interesting.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What you should do is while on the way home while she is texting OM and OM is texting her...you pull over and call her parents and let them know there daughter is sitting next to you texting her OM.


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## texastexastwostep (Mar 25, 2013)

I may call her before session...she is coming straight from work so one care is not in the question and knowing her right now shes still playing the mad at me for pulling the initial phone records and wouldnt want to ride together. 

Also the kids will be at her parents while this is happening and we will have to pick them up.



the guy said:


> What you should do is while on the way home while she is texting OM and OM is texting her...you pull over and call her parents and let them know there daughter is sitting next to you texting her OM.


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## texastexastwostep (Mar 25, 2013)

The MC session is in a little over an hour.

Getting a little nervous now but still strong....


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Plan on leaving the kids at her parents for the night.


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## texastexastwostep (Mar 25, 2013)

There is a change in plans. Her mother is coming here to watch the kids...I hope she doesnt get ugly in front of them.



Shaggy said:


> Plan on leaving the kids at her parents for the night.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

the guy said:


> Thats right Tex, 20 guys in 13 years...I have got one broken chick on my hands....broken and nasty...but thats just how I'm wired!


The 20 possibly is more than my ex's train.
I still have you beat if your ex doesn't know all of their names
or the names of her two children she passed off as mine.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

hookares said:


> The 20 possibly is more than my ex's train.
> I still have you beat if your ex doesn't know all of their names
> or the names of her two children she passed off as mine.


Tex always remember, you are in no way alone in this.

hokares has been around since 2011, I've been her since 2010, there are many many others to name them all, but having been thru this crap *we* all are here to support you.:smthumbup:


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

texastexastwostep said:


> There is a change in plans. Her mother is coming here to watch the kids...I hope she doesnt get ugly in front of them.


What the hell..........your old lady is screwing you over and your worried about *her* getting ugly??????????

Dude I would would kick my old lady out and send her to moms...and kick her mom out on princapal alone, for raising such a decietful daughter!!!!!!!:lol:

Something tells me some one needs to read "no more mr. nice guy"


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## texastexastwostep (Mar 25, 2013)

So she admitted everything and then said "and im done" 

I said so you want a divorce? and she said "yes"

I pretty much ripped her a new one and told her going forward in life...just be truthful. Dont lie to people. Dont hide things from people.

After that I got some answers to my questions for closure...

She loved me at one time but she has never has loved me like I would want to be loved

Shes still in love with my step sons father and always has been

When asked why did you marry me then...she replied "I settled...to try and do it right this time for my daughters sake"

She said that originally she thought that MC would help...but 3 weeks ago she realized she was done...this is about the time when I started to get my legs back under me and get a back bone.

We discussed child support, custody and visitation, and our debt. We have no savings, no house, and just possessions. I am thinking that mediation might be the route to go instead of shelling out thousands for a lawyer. 

Anyone have any insight on the mediation vs lawyer?

I do appreciate all the support this week it has helped me get through an awful time and begin to regrow. 

I am sad and happy to say that this is over. I can begin to start my life fresh and get happy again.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Regrow my man regrow. this is not the end but the beginning.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Wait...what ...

How about guys #2 thru 4?

What about OMW?


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## texastexastwostep (Mar 25, 2013)

I didnt expose before and after two minutes in she said she wanted a divorce. 
Right now shes amicable about custody, child support, splitting debt etc....Lawyers are expensive. If we can do this in mediation it will save thousands of dollars. I have still contemplated calling the wife tomorrow. the other numbers didnt work out on spokeo to get names...I'm still up in the air if exposing them to their spouses will hurt us working these issues out without having to get lawyers involved.

If I'm way off let me know.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your off!!!!!!!!!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You seem like the kinda guy that would put out his hand to stop someone from walking into traffic.

OMW is that person please let her know the train wreck that is about to hit her.

It will then be her call to believe you or not...you can walk away knowing you did the right thing and OMW can now face it or bury her head in the sad...its no matter but you can let her know what you know and walk away.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

This isn't about venegence or spite..it about putting your hand out and stopping some one from getting hit.

Sure its going to be painful but at the end of the day OMW was warned....in no way could she every come back and say " why didn;t you tell me"!!!!!!!!!!!

You know what I'm saying?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Tex.........

Its the right thing to do!

Her old man has some ex after him and still loves him....come on!

Would you want to know?

This women can now make a informed choice, its not up to you what she does with the info you give her, but she diserves to know that her man ...another marriage is doomed cuz of your phucked up STBXW.

Let me ask you....who do you think is persueing who in this affair???


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm ranting again...sorry


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You are way off. Like you asked.

I know it s easier to not do it, but not only does the OMW have a moral right to know, your wife is still playing you. Shes gotten you to cave and hope she'll now decide to be kind and honest.

Think about it, she's a liar and a cheat and you suddenly believe he's gonna act nicely and fairly. iF you are nice to her.

You've been very nice to her and she still cheated in you.

Nice doesn't work,


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

So...she is in love with her ex.

How do you feel the 'ex' would think about her cheating on him, not only with you, but also with 3 other guys?

I think this is rationalizing so she can have a 'tragic' romance instead of just a woman with very poor boundaries (I know poor boundaries) with MULTIPLE other men.

Do the 180. Start going out and doing things for yourself. Do not move out. Don't do nice things for her anymore.

Hang on. Let me put this in words you can actually see:

*DON'T DO NICE THINGS FOR HER ANYMORE!*

You want to keep things amicable and civilized. She wants the same so she can use and manipulate you. She wants all the good things you used to give her while she leaves your life.

Why throw 'good money' (i.e. emotion) after bad? SHE WANTS TO LEAVE YOU.

Your affection, time, money, and 'niceness' no longer are owed her BY HER OWN REQUEST!

So...you don't move. Offer it to her if she wants it. Do NOT be available as a babysitter as she arranges trysts with her loverS. Seperate your finances NOW. Remove her from your health insurance. Remove her from your cell phone plan. She needs to get a good sense of what she is losing.

SEPERATE YOUR FINANCES! If, as you say, the two of you are living hand to mouth, she is counting your your contribution just as much as you are counting on hers. Let her know exactly how cold life is going to be.

Man up, start going out to the gym and looking at dating websites. Focus on work so you can improve your finances.

See about getting an apartment with a room mate so you can share expenses.

SHE STARTED THIS. 

I think it's recoverable. But that is up to both of you.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You are waaaaay off.

She will go to mediation anyway. Know why?

Because you just sit back. Cut off any credit cards she has. Expose to the OMWs -all of them. Then tell her she needs to arrange for mediation or SHE needs to file for divorce. 

She won't file. She's broke. Besides there's few assets. If she files BIG WOOP. You have no assets. You'll still get visitation. Don't be fearful. You're in the drivers seat and don't even know it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

From what I have read on this forum, it seems the one that files first comes out ahead. INK.
But I always hear that getting a good lawyer is well worth it.

You have already consulted a lawyer so follow thru and file and get this moving so you can move on.

If you wait for her it will take for ever....in the end the ex will bail on your STBXW and then she will come crawling back .

Get this over with and spend the dough.

Hell, have her served by next week.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Tex,

I exposed my wife's affair to OMWife 2 years after the affair... that's when I found out about it.

I finally got her cell number and called late one night. She didn't want to believe it, I told her times and places OM and my wife had met for sex. We knew each other from 20 years prior when we all met on a vacation and she knew who I was and remembered my wife.

She was like "You know my husband has been sick?, don't you". I remember saying yeah he is sick, he has been screwing my wife for years and lying to you, that's what's sick. She didn't want to hear it. I was like so what. At least you know the truth.

I wondered if she even believed me at that point. Hmmm. I had found one of my wife old secret emails that she used with OM. This guy was a high roller Doc in ATL and wondered how stupid would he be. 

I emailed him as my wife (secret email) and said how sorry I (wife) was that I confessed and named him and told about our affair. The sucker bit... he emailed back and hour later and was pissed and that his wife was going to screw him over. I just laughed as I forwarded it to his wife's email. 

F em.


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## texastexastwostep (Mar 25, 2013)

I'll address as many here as possible. 

I dont think I could ever trust her again. I think this is a pattern behavior that even if she could get past now will happen again.

She admitted to contacting a lawyer today for a consultation. 

She makes decent money and her father is loaded and will help her out. He may not agree with her actions but he will support his daughter. So the finances are there for her if really needed.

Shes has reiterated that she will move out if I dont, and take the kids with her to her parents. I cannot afford the rent here and bills on my own. 



walkonmars said:


> You are waaaaay off.
> 
> She will go to mediation anyway. Know why?
> 
> ...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Tex let her move.

Either move out later or get a roommate, but she needs to see the consequences to all this betrayal.

BTW, it sounds like your old lady has alot of intitlement issues. Most likely daddy bailed her out of her first marriage.

Most likely she is intitled to screw up another women marriage cuz she was married to the ex 1st...make sense?

Your right she has a behavioral problem and it stems from her intitled youth.

Let me guess...she has yet to face any consequences whats so ever in her entire 38-39 years?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

texastexastwostep said:


> I'll address as many here as possible.
> 
> I dont think I could ever trust her again. I think this is a pattern behavior that even if she could get past now will happen again.
> 
> ...


You stay right were you are, and the kids stay too,

Get a lawyer, demand she continues to contribute to the household financially even if she moves out, require the kids stay in their home. with you.

And exposure at every opportunity.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

IDK whats worse, having a messed up chick with entitlement issues or chick that was raped?

I mean how messed up is it to have the capacity for this degree of betrayal?

Not only is she screwing her own family over she is screwing another family over. Not saying OM has his part in all this but geez...

Curious, why did her 1st marriage fail?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Then it is more imperative than before that you seperate your finances. Daddy can finance her. Her job can finance her. SHE WILL TRY TO TAKE YOUR MONEY if you don't protect it.

It's just the way people are. So defend yourself.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

How is she going to move back with mom and dad and still go out and party with OM ?

I guess mom and dad get to become her new baby sitters.


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## texastexastwostep (Mar 25, 2013)

I have separated finances...did that a few weeks ago.

After her non-reaction to the confrontation and her response of Im done with the marriage for good. Im not worth this is worth fighting for. She showed no remorse for doing this stuff either. Completely cold and complacent about the whole thing. Like she knew I knew but let me suffer anyway. 

I am going to do the 180. 

She was not married to the ex...they were engaged...she broke it off because he cheated on her. She is in a fog...i called her out on this by name as well in the MC session.

There are a few issues with me staying here. One being her son (my soon to be ex step son) is 10. She would displace him at the very least and bring him to her parents house. When we first moved to TX we stayed with them for 6 months so it wouldnt be too unfamiliar to the kids there. Also, there is nothing that would stop her from taking both of them there. 

As far as the kids are concerned I want to cause as few ripples as I can in their lives. The Divorce alone is going to be enough for them. I dont want them to see the cops called or have to sleep at her parents. Maybe thats being too nice to her but the kids have always come first for me.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

It seems you are intent on talking yourself into moving. So be it.

Her son already lives with you, yes? So what is the disruption with you staying there? How are you going to 'be in the kids' lives' if you are even 5 blocks away? It will shut down quickly.

I would cleave to honesty. When asked by anyone, tell them this "My wife decided she didn't love me and instead of doing the right thing by divorcing me first, she decided to start dating other *men*."

See...daddy can get her an apartment. Daddy can pay her lawyer and her health care and braces for the kids.

Daddy can't buy her a new reputation.

I am a self confessed cheater. I have done bad things in my marriage. I own that. My wife was gracious enough to let me stay and I have to find a way to make her never regret that decision.

So I own my reputation. Somehow, I doubt that she really wants to own what she did. 

It is when society decides to 'nice' things and 'look the other way' or 'sweep it under the rug' that these kind of behaviors get accepted as the norm.

So to make sure there is SOME societal good that comes out of this, having your wife's reputation implode will make some other woman who thinks she can get away with this...thoughtful. Maybe make her reconsider.

Don't get into details. Don't curse her. Just outline that she is a person who holds her vows lightly and doesn't respect her marriage or the marriage of others. Music CDs have warning labels. Why not waywards?

And maybe she will learn to be a better person from all this.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Feel sorry for the damn kid, just such a shame


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Hey Tex

I can understand wanting the Divorce to be amicable.

But your wife has disrespected you. She will continue you to do it after your Divorce unless you show her the consequences for her actions.

Let her move out. Let her take the kids but only after a custody agreement is in place.

Then you move out.

And expose, expose, expose.

If her sons Dad is married or engaged you expose them.

If you have info on the other men you expose them too!

And yes include her parents so they know what their precious daughter has been up to.

Maybe your STBXW will grow up.

Stop being a doormat. Stop taking orders from her.

*She fired you!*

HM64


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

You do what you need to do.

Your stbxw will soon realise she left OM for a reason. Then her affair high will be gone and regret will set in. Be ready for that going forward. 

Doing the 180 is the best thing you can do for yourself right now.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

I would D and here is why. You say your WW is 29 with a 10 year old, so 19 and already having kids. Then marries you, has another child, and still doesn't want to be a mother. Does NOT want to provide a stable home environment for either child and is making it all about her.

Does this sound like someone you want to spend the next 20-30 + years with ?


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> You are way off. Like you asked.
> 
> I know it s easier to not do it, but not only does the OMW have a moral right to know, your wife is still playing you. Shes gotten you to cave and hope she'll now decide to be kind and honest.
> 
> ...


This, for sure. As far as letting the creep's wife know, she will appreciate it. There were so many people who "knew" in the rag tag town where we lived and never said a word, that if I were to read that a tornado went through the town and leveled it, I wouldn't donate ten cents toward helping the victims out.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

texastexastwostep said:


> I didnt expose before and after two minutes in she said she wanted a divorce.
> *Right now shes amicable about custody, child support, splitting debt etc....Lawyers are expensive.* If we can do this in mediation it will save thousands of dollars. I have still contemplated calling the wife tomorrow. the other numbers didnt work out on spokeo to get names...*I'm still up in the air if exposing them to their spouses will hurt us working these issues out without having to get lawyers involved.
> 
> If I'm way off let me know.*


Dear ttts,

I don't think you're off at all. Most people on TAM advise -- correctly -- that exposure is important to stop an affair in order to give the marriage partners a chance to reconnect and reconcile.

But your situation is different. Your WW wants a divorce and I gather from your posts that that is also what you want. In this case, you should consider what effect exposing your WW's adultery will have on the terms of your divorce. But I wouldn't count on getting through this without some legal advice. At the very least, consult an attorney about this issue before exposing. You also say your WW has talked to an attorney so you may have no choice but to do the same or end up getting a raw deal.

You can expose any time, even after the divorce is final. Don't do anything in haste or because people on TAM are pressuring you to. Do what you believe is best for you.

In any event, wishing you the best for a happy life sans your WW.


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## texastexastwostep (Mar 25, 2013)

Begin 180...went and picked kids up from daycare that she works at. Didnt say a word to her. Just smiled got the kids and left.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

hey man the more positive you are the better off you will be.

Ya its a b1tch and your hurting but even if she thinks it all pretend...let me tell you my man....fake it until you make it...in time you will naturally feel positive, but for now wish her the best and smile.

And if she ever asks why you are in such a good and positive mood , let her know that even though she was deceitful , she had the balls to own her crap tell you whats what and now you can make an informative decision in letting her go and move on to a women that has loyalty, respect ,and character to be with me and only me.

She won;t like being called out but at the end of the day its true. Politically you may just smile and wish her the best and thank her for her the short time you guys had together.

Just remember the more you engage her the more the emotional torture will continue and it will take you longer to heal and truly feel like smiling.
Get it?

Disengage, but be positive. The best revenge is living a better and healthier life.

Lets face it your STBXW is still in love with a married man and ...and the man that cheated on her and produced a son and give two sh1ts about as long as he can still stick it to her....

Phucking amazing how she still lets it go on and on and on.

Yes sir, you are totally correct...there are some serious behavioral issues here and if she can't fix her self then how in the hell can she fix a relationship with you or the OM or any one else for that matter.

This girl needs to fix her self, only then can she have a healthy relationship.

Poor girl will die alone in a trailer full of cats and cat boo only to be found by the post man delivering another check from her dead fathers trust fund.

No that was a rant!!!


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## texastexastwostep (Mar 25, 2013)

So I just go off the phone with her father. 

I decided against the ex OMW because of the ramifications it could set into motion with regard to me seeing my daughter whenever I wanted. 

Her father said he was probably going to give the ex OM a call and tell him to deal with his marriage and dont try to break up another one.

He was shocked to hear that she planned on seeing him when he was coming to "support his son". So shocked that he asked me to read him the text.

I do feel better that I did out her to someone that could wake her from her fog.

At the end of the day I do still love her (whether thats because shes the mother of my daughter or what) and I was willing to try and forgive and move forward for the sake of the family. If this came up later, and I was ready to head down that road I am not ruling it out.

I am also ready to say goodbye and move forward individually, and as of now thats the path we are on now.

I asked her her timeline for this process and she said she hadnt thought about it, which further shows me she is looking at the next 10 minutes rather than the next 10 years.

Again I would like to thank everyone who has given feedback and advice. I honestly dont know if I would be in the same place mentally today if I didnt get on this board and rely on my offline friends and family as well.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Just some food for thought, rich guys have a great knack for telling people what they want to hear.

Second, please reconsider exposing OMW...please please pleases!!!
Your FIL just got you to reveal your source/ ammo, now he knows what he is up against and is no formulating his strategy, the good thing is FIL will advice your wife/his attorney on what you have on his daughter...so that is a plus.

The bad is I sense you have some faith that this man is an allie!

Tex, again food for thought here, I'm just thinking out side the box and throwing in conjecture. Me , you, or any one else can't say for sure what your FIL has for an agenda.

But dude!!!! what the hell are you affraid of?? What the hell did your old lady threaten you with that prevents you from telling OMW????:scratchhead:


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You have to let this women go ...in her eyes she has to see you moving on!

But behide the seens, you have to look at the fantasy fog you old lady has.

I just don't get that she is in love with this POS...

Sorry lost it there..."behavioral issues" ..


She is lost my man!


but dude it may do your kid some good if you can inflict some serious conseqeunces on there mother that will..at the very least look at what she has become ..not as a spouse but as a mother and the unhealthy choices she is making in that regard.


I mean come on screwing around with OM's...in love with a guy that has moved on *but *...but still gets some on the side from a broken chick.........I mean this chick needs help and man, this ain't about you any more, it about the kid!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

expose this affair to OMW.

sorry my man, but evry excuse you have given only mnetions how you will be better off. but there are others involved and some of them are way to young to understand!

Maybe its just me but if you do love this chick you will give her the consequences that will make her think twice about her own life as a mother ...irregardless if you as a spouse are included in the mix.

I just see her at 40-42 with another kid and a different father.

it sucks but at the end of the day it really isn't your responsiblity?


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## texastexastwostep (Mar 25, 2013)

So what I am talking about is this. Yes I will get standard visitation...but on days when are not my days and STBXW is working later, I would like the opportunity to pick her up and spend a few hours with her. 

As of now this was OK'd. That is something she does not have to do. Seeing my daughter for 2-6 hours more per week would be really nice.




the guy said:


> Just some food for thought, rich guys have a great knack for telling people what they want to hear.
> 
> Second, please reconsider exposing OMW...please please pleases!!!
> Your FIL just got you to reveal your source/ ammo, now he knows what he is up against and is no formulating his strategy, the good thing is FIL will advice your wife/his attorney on what you have on his daughter...so that is a plus.
> ...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If I'm not mistaken, I think you get my drift....you just kinda slide in under the radar and spend as much time as you can... I know it will keep you grounded as you bond more and more with you kid.

My angle is see your kid 2-6 hours a day while the fantasy fog sweeps over a women that is in love with a married man. a women that is in such a fog she is inlove with a man that cheated on her.


I'm telling you if you play your cards right you have an opertunity to see...no be in your babies life more then you think.


See , you have the mind set to play the politics in working out the best out come in your D...you can play the same game with haveing a big part in your little girls life. sure it may cost you some extra gas maony and windshield time drive her back and forth...here and there.

Put let me tell you this sh1t moves fast and before you know it that little girl is filling out college apps and looking at you to get her through life while her selfish mother is jealous of her youth....

Hell maybey I'm wrong and the two of them can pick uo some strange together..

Any way lets focus on the now and finding the best way you can be a positive influence on your kids life with out having to deal with her mom!


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## KJ5000 (May 29, 2011)

*"*Let's see if things work out better with someone else. If not we'll get back together.*"*

That's always what a separation has meant to me. Don't believe in them. Make a clean break, she may quietly see you as weak if you forgive her for cheating. 

It's terrible but that's the hand men are dealt when it comes to a woman's infidelity. Kobayashi Maru.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I would tell her you don't see it working out so you will just go ahead and file for divorce. However, the two of you can still work it out up until the D is final.

Besides separation is almost always (80%) followed by divorce. She just wants to be fre to explore her new relationship. If that doesn't work out there is still only a slim chance she will want to come back to you.

This makes you look stronger, less needy, and most importantly available. One of your best weapons is if she can see you attracting other women.

Especailly if they are younger.


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