# 6 weeks left. Not sure what to do



## Doug_d (May 2, 2021)

Hi all. First time posting here and new user. 
I have been married 17 years and have known my wife for over 20. I’ll cut to the chase and I feel in 6 weeks or so once my son is done with school for the year she is going to leave me and take him. Ok circling back our marriage has been ok, no real dramas but 3 years ago she served me with papers for a separation. I said it was a divorce but she assures me it was only a separation. I asked to try marriage counseling and we did go and we were able to fix a lot and she reversed the separation. Now 3 years later I have observed and overheard things that make me believe she is going to leave and take our 14 year old with her including calls from realtors and those overnight letters that normally include legal docs, etc showing up last week on our doorstep . I called her out on the things that I noticed but the reply is always I am imaging things and how dare I inquire into her personal things. Yesterday we went to marriage counseling ( my choice to set this up) and she admitted she was not happy. At.the end of the counseling session the therapist asked if she would work on things with me again . My wife closed her eyes and cried. I asked her if it was too late and she did not reply. The therapist moved the moment forward saying we will work together to fix things. My wife has had a horrible childhood and early life prior to meeting me. She has a therapist for years and during the pandemic started playing a online game and found a discord group for it. She has friends who she texts and speaks to for hours on discord. I was understanding since the pandemic hit us all hard but I feel she has a team of support from this new group and I don’t doubt some who have divorce experiences. I asked her last night if she heard me ask if it was too late. Her reply was no and yes and take it a day at a time. Today is all normality around my house but I am torn up on all of this. We are going back next Saturday for our second session with our therapist and I will see if i can get a better understanding or see what she says. I had reached out to a lawyer last week before we went to counseling and he advised to try the counseling first and informed me that it f I did file for a divorce myself then it may be 6+ months before the courts hear my case since they are still closed mostly due to the pandemic. Currently there is no filing on the state records from my wife for a divorce. I’m not sure why I am posting this here other than I don’t have a support group like my wife does and other than parents and family I don’t have too many avenues of advise. Thanks for listening.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

There's trouble ahead. However, she can't just "take" your son and leave. If you're his father, you have the same rights that she does. 

There's a lot going on here that you don't know about. A lot of people might suggest that it looks like she's met someone else. You'll get some suggestions on how to protect yourself. Please read, understand, and implement them.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Howdy and welcome. First off .... it’s toast. Your wife is finished and only going through the motions to buy a little time. The worst thing you can do is chase a woman who doesn’t want you. It makes them dislike you even more. You should prepare yourself for the fact that your marriage is finished.

There is a saying around here that is very true: When a woman is done.... she is done.

Yes she heard you say “Is it too late” and you already know that she did. Her not answering is the answer. The truth has already arrived.... you just need to accept it.


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## Doug_d (May 2, 2021)

Thanks for your responses. Yeah I agree with both replies. Not sure what her game plan is with my son but as you and my lawyer mentioned it is not going to be simple and just take him.
Thanks for your time to reply.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It is common for someone under stress, or someone unhappy with their life, to downsize.

They unload as much of the past (that they can), that is unpleasant and/or unneeded.

To her, it seems......the unneeded part is you.

Pleasant or not, you have to go.

She is looking to escape.


Your wife has dreams for the future that does not include you.
Maybe, nobody else (at the moment) either.

Or, you will find out that maybe one of the online person(s) has caught her attention?

There are common forces about us that often break yesterday's bonds, and create new ones in the future.

Ah, there is no guarantee that the new future will be better than the old.

It is the change that is important.

One's happiness, is not always a factor in this change.
We are these pawns, and your wife is being pulled in a different direction.

She is being pulled somewhere else, _ready or not, there she goes_.



_King Brian-_


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

You'll probably get some more replies. This group is extremely well experienced with your type of problem. Do you have any specific questions?


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## Doug_d (May 2, 2021)

Well assuming 6 weeks comes and she moves out,If no legal document is served from her can she take my son or that would be illegal right?
Also we live on the east coast she could not take him out of state without my approval right?

as I mentioned I spoke to a lawyer and had a nice long consultation but I have not retained him yet.

thanks


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

So first of all, no she cannot just take your son anywhere - and definitely out of state. Make sure that you have legal representation back you up on this by issuing whatever document they need to in order to remind her of this.

Secondly, her response with respect to you asking about her personal things - that is just rich and ridiculous at the same time.

Finally, there is more to this than meets the eye. What exactly is she upset about (remembering this could be her rewriting marital history. Has she been making a lot calls to a certain number. Is it possible that there is another man involved? A lot of what you are saying could sound like guilt, fear of being caught and marital history rewriting to justify her actions. You need to keep an eye on what she is doing and saying and with who.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Doug_d said:


> that would be illegal right?


Do not get legal advice from a website. The law is much too complicated to do that. You need to retain a lawyer right away. I'd be hesitant to hire one who gives away his or her time, even for a free consultation. There may be preemptive actions you need to take to prevent her from removing him from the state. Most divorce matters are controlled by state law. Only trust a lawyer who is licensed in your state. As a general rule, she cannot remove him from the state without your permission. If she does, you're probably looking at legal action to make her return him. It may be easier to stop her from taking him.

EDITED TO CLARIFY: She cannot remove him from the state without your permission so long as you have a court order to that effect, which I was assuming to be the case once you've been able to meet with a lawyer and begin the process.


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

Does your son have a passport?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Doug_d said:


> Also we live on the east coast she could not take him out of state without my approval right?


Sure she can. Parents do it all the time. Without any legal documents in place, she can waltz out of the house and out of your life, taking your son with her. 

Lawyer-up like yesterday. By that, I mean get papers drawn up ASAP. Better to be prepared for the worst up front rather than trying to deal with it after the fact.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Well, technically, she could take him anywhere since you live together and no one has more legal custody than the other, and there’s no disputed custody, at the moment. She could just get in the car and start driving and say (to him and/or to you) that they were taking a quick trip — but that wouldn’t mean legally she could do that if she plans to not come back. That’s the question. Right now, you just don’t know her intentions.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Are you speaking with your attorney? A forum is not the best place to get legal advice.

From what you’ve posted you should go online and check your phone bill. Don’t be shocked at what you see.

She’s already made her decision long ago but is not wanting to tell you. Not uncommon.

Read up and apply the 180. Drop the hopium pipe.

Heres the link. The 180


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Doug_d said:


> Thanks for your responses. Yeah I agree with both replies. Not sure what her game plan is with my son but as you and my lawyer mentioned it is not going to be simple and just take him.
> Thanks for your time to reply.


Plant a VAR in the house (of a few) where she might be having conversations etc. Forget about her privacy, she is acting suspicious and you have a right to know. How about you son, how close are you to him? Surely he would be old enough to know something is going on, she cannot just kidnap him.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Doug_d said:


> Well assuming 6 weeks comes and she moves out,If no legal document is served from her can she take my son or that would be illegal right?
> Also we live on the east coast she could not take him out of state without my approval right?
> 
> as I mentioned I spoke to a lawyer and had a nice long consultation but I have not retained him yet.
> ...


You are doing what so many men in their fears. and trying to hold on do: nothing, other than dragging things longer than necessary. While you are stuck in indecisiveness, waiting what will happen, I guarantee you that your STBXW is preparing herself and will blindside you. 

You need to be proactive, no reactive toward the situation. You should already had retained that lawyer, had a planned custody agreement, and division of marital assets, etc. As a matter of fact why haven't you taking the proactive approach and serve her before she does? what are you trying to gain by playing the waiting game? this will bite you in the ass eventually, Man up, take courage, and do what you know needs to be done already.


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## Doug_d (May 2, 2021)

Thanks for your reply . I have reached out to my lawyer and I am waiting to speak to him and if no call back today I have a backup attorney.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Doug_d said:


> Well assuming 6 weeks comes and she moves out,If no legal document is served from her can she take my son or that would be illegal right?
> Also we live on the east coast she could not take him out of state without my approval right?


First NOTE TO SELF: you really do need to speak to an attorney from your state and ask them this. Each state is different, but most states do not have limitations like a parent not taking a child out of state without the other parent's permission. In fact, it is a really common misconception that you always need your STBX's permission to take your child out of state. This isn't necessarily the case. It depends on the status of your marriage...which at this time, you are legally married--no separation or divorce is filed.

Second, if your state's child custody laws are silent – they don’t say anything one way or the other about taking your child out of state without the other parent's permission – you're generally still prevented from doing so if your court order or parenting agreement says that you'll only do it with your ex's knowledge and consent. But you guys don't have a child custody plan or court order...so there's nothing that really says she can't go out of state with your child.

If you have no written order or parenting plan agreement in place, one parent is generally free to take your child out of state for short periods of time as long as it doesn't interfere with the regular custody schedule you've established (for example, to go visit relatives out of state for vacation). But keep in mind that there's a difference between whether someone _can_ do something and whether they _should_. If she's planning to file for separation or divorce, she would be doing more harm than good to just try to walk away with the child--she'd harm her own case for custody--BUT you'd be facing finding her and getting your child back home, etc. 

Thus, there's really nothing at this moment that's stopping her, but if you are afraid that she will try to take him, then take action and your state's equivalent of a *temporary protective order*. Even though you two haven't yet started your separation/divorce, get a temporary order specifying your custody rights. Establish limits for each of you on how far the children can be taken away from their home. For example, a simple order that the children are not to be taken out of the county in which they live without first getting written consent or a court order, will give you a lot of protection.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Could you hire a PI to get any information?


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## Doug_d (May 2, 2021)

cp3o said:


> Does your son have a passport?


he does. but its not be out of the country but possible California


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## Doug_d (May 2, 2021)

pastasauce79 said:


> Could you hire a PI to get any information?





pastasauce79 said:


> Could you hire a PI to get any information?


im not sure im ready to go that deep. thanks for the question tho


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## Doug_d (May 2, 2021)

Affaircare said:


> First NOTE TO SELF: you really do need to speak to an attorney from your state and ask them this. Each state is different, but most states do not have limitations like a parent not taking a child out of state without the other parent's permission. In fact, it is a really common misconception that you always need your STBX's permission to take your child out of state. This isn't necessarily the case. It depends on the status of your marriage...which at this time, you are legally married--no separation or divorce is filed.
> 
> Second, if your state's child custody laws are silent – they don’t say anything one way or the other about taking your child out of state without the other parent's permission – you're generally still prevented from doing so if your court order or parenting agreement says that you'll only do it with your ex's knowledge and consent. But you guys don't have a child custody plan or court order...so there's nothing that really says she can't go out of state with your child.
> 
> ...


thank you for taking the time to write this.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Doug_d said:


> im not sure im ready to go that deep. thanks for the question tho


You’re concerned that your wife plans to leave you in six weeks and take your son, but you’re “not ready to go that deep” yet to consider a PI?


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