# Adult Schizophrenic Son, makes 3



## park205 (May 31, 2009)

I'm not sure if mine is over and was wondering what criteria I should use
to determine if it's time to start planning a divorce and solo life. I do not
know what we have to base a marriage on.... I perk up and think it's
going to work out when she spends time with me. The other 95% of her
time is spent with her 27 YO schizophrenic/bipolar son who is now
on Soc Sec Disability. His illnes has gotten worse the past couple years
with psychosis, delusions, and hospitalized against his will several times
for being a danger to others and self. Every year he gets more 
aggressive. He needs assisted living, but it's being done in our home
as his mother's biggest fear is him ending up in some 19th century
insane asylum.

The vast majority of the time I feel very lonely, disappointment, and
some jealously seeing my wife with an adult male so much. The highest
I could ever attain would be #2 on my wife's totem pole. That doesn't
help the male ego very much.

Her son hates me and is sure I am planning literally to crucify him and
poison his mother. He would like to put me in prison, so he would have
100% of his mother. He's sure the thermostat is haunted, pool table is
bugged, east coast CEO is responsible for delaying his car repair, etc.
His mother seems to take his theories in stride. 

My wife does not communicate with me and goes into defensive mode when I try to talk to her. When her son stays over, he "needs" 10 minutes of foot massage, she lies with him in his bed for 2-3 hours to
relax him (door usually closed, sometimes locked), so he can sleep
through most of the night. Seeing my wife in bed with an adult male,
son or no son, does not make me feel good. We do nothing together
and I feel more like a caretaker and open checkbook than a husband.

When I can speak to my wife, the majority of it is spent hashing over
her sons illness. so... does this mean it's over?

I am always alone. When her son is not here, my wife sleeps to rest up
for his visit the next day. It's like any time she spends with me is
detrimental to the needs of her adult mentally ill son. I am so alone and
the odd man out in this marriage. I've always been proud of my wife for
not being able to lie. I now catch her with whopping big lies to cover
her son. Now she would hardly tell the truth to save my hide.

When I finally get a minute, it costs me. She needs money for her adult
son, did I pay her bills and cover for her son with whatever. In every
situation, my wife chooses her son over me 100% of the time. I'm
always 2nd fiddle. Maybe I should have had my eyes open when she
brought he son along on the wedding and honeymoon at Vegas...
I won't even mention getting locked out of the hotel room late at
night after the wedding, and I didn't find her son in his room.

so I don't even know why I'm married.
Anyone else have to deal with mental illness?


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

My brother was diagnosed with schizphrenia at age 20, and still lives with my parents at age 42. He is very functional and helps my parents with some tasks in their old age (they are in their 70s now). It sounds like your wife is very devoted to helping her son, and you are very jealous of the time she commits to him. The symptoms you described does not sound unusual. Have you considered devoting more time to studying the illness so you can assist your wife? I also think it would be downright cruel to try to kick out a mentally ill person from your house. Did his father skip out on him because of his illness? Is there any other relatives that can be companions for him? If you love your wife, I think you need to be more tolerant. I often wish my mother in law or stepdaughter didn't exist, but they keep coming over to our house. I think every couple has relatives that are part of the package when you get married.


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## park205 (May 31, 2009)

While I was dating my wife-to-be, her son graduated college suma cum
laude. He wanted a Masters before going to law school. While working
on his masters, we provided him a duplex with utilities. During this time
the illness hit. Her son would not let us in to see him. 12 months into it,
we find he has quit school, ran up credit card debt, his drug dealing dad
invited all to his sons place. It was a major meth lab for a year.

We shut it down, sold my wife's duplex, and brought him to our home. 
I've caught him cooking meth in our home, and most recently growing
pot in his closet, with my wife's knowledge. My wife quit her job to take
care of her son. She's worked on SSDI, student loan forgiveness, etc.
paperwork forever and it's taken a big toll on her. What started as two
in the hitch pulling the wagon, is now one pulling the hitch. In 2009
alone, my wife and I have not eaten in a restaurant or seen a movie.
After repeated promises, we have not sat down and talked this year!
Her son is consuming all of our resources.

He is smart and knows he is Mom's Pride/Joy. He moves things, steals
things, and I get blamed as "he" could not have done it. No attention,
no talking, getting blamed, medical, and lost pay run $70,000/yr. Plus
Mom, an RN, spends 70-80 hours/week serving him. As we enter the
retirement years, should it continue no cost is too much?


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I belong to another site that is great for all types of support for illnesses. Maybe you can find some advice there:

Schizophrenia Support Group - DailyStrength

There are all types of resources for help of mentally ill. Does your stepson have a case worker? medicaid? therapist? support group? psychiatrist? You might even find respite care or financial assistance. 

Also, keep in mind that if this were your son suffering from a illness and he fell from summa cum laude to a drug dealer, would you be upset if your spouse is complaining about loss income?


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## park205 (May 31, 2009)

Thanks so much for the link. I'm checking it out now. He has no case worker
since he lost my medical coverage. He has recently started receiving Soc 
Sec Disability Income for 2 months. So, Mom sends him off with friends to
Amsterdam for a week. I just learned yesterday, his dad who promised
to pay, didn't. My credit card ate a European Vacation, and I haven't
seen a movie this year.

The Psychiatrists appear to be in a holding pattern. Not a single prognosis.
Is that normal? Son and Mom are still in denial, so support groups are out.
It's pretend he's not ill, but Mom's friends have all disappeared because
of her son's behavior. Her friends over-reacted when her son would call
their sons and daughters to warn them about murder plots against them,
their parents were drug dealers, and other shared theories. 

Everyone must know the cost of a lost paycheck and the maintenance
and cash layout of a family member for SUV, work-out clubs, etc.
As far as my wife and marriage, I bring up once a year the $30K direct
cost of her son. But that sum is overshadowed by my flagrant and
extravagant expenditure of giving my college senior daughter 
(4.0 grade ave) $1,000 every year. I've been beat for doing that 50
times so far this year. I may not be able to do that for her next year as
I'll be paying off my son-in-laws trip to a Marijuana Convention in
Amsterdam.

I know the disabled and the ill did not choose to be that way. But does
it always have to fall so hard on the gifted and talented, My daughter
has mowed my lawn, painted, etc., but son-in-law has not lifted a finger.
Am I just a grumpy old troll when I push/pull the mower around a big
sloping lawn in the summer heat, and provide the major source of 
entertainment to a spectator sucking cold beers down in the patio 
shade. Are most Schizophrenics allergic to hot dogs and leftovers,
and require thick steaks or good Italian? Both require a half glass
of my Napoleon Cognac to wash them down.

Cost is no object, except when it some crumbs for my daughter. It's
going to be hell when my last daughter starts college in a year. Being in
a large city, is there decent and affordable assisted living???


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I have an adult step daughter with some type of mental illness, although I do not think its skitzo.
She would like to come between me and her father and upset us and ruin our lives just because she is like that and so mean.

She must be the center of attention. She thinks she is a playboy centerfold and her myspace page even reflects that as she calls herself something along the line of playboy center fold ( only wishful thinking, not reality). SHE HAS SO MANY UNREALISTIC and IMMATURE expectations and ideals, IT BLOWS YOUR MIND TO HEAR HER TALK !!!
She has such a big ego and high regaurd for herself with NOTHING to back it up ! For example, she thinks she is soooo smart, but she waits tables. She is so difficualt to get along with, her boyfriends dump her and she is constantly getting new ones, often devistated how a guy could dump her ( her big ego)
She acts like she has it togtehr, but the fact is, she still lives with her mother, who provides basics for her, plus a car and all those expenses and the only time she wants anything to do with us is for money, to be taken out...
and she blogs online how evil her father is and how much she hates him. She is also loud and bossy.

Why she remains child like and unpleasantly immature is due to her mother. Her mother is behind it and her mother has done this to her to satisfy the mothers emotional needs, not help the child grow up or be an adult and its one big mess.
Her mother did not allow her to see her father when she was a minor because she told her daughter he was evil and the only times she did see him were to use and abuse him, according to her mothers instruction. Her mother created this and the daughter now has PAS and maybe some personality issues as well.
She is just awful and almost violent, with her anger issues.

I would have to leave my marriage if husband was foolish enough to bring that into our lives as its severe ( her behavior) and also possible dangerous and she cannot control herself or her actions often having a fit like some rabies filled dog....

There atre many types of mental illness including many types of skitzo... as I see it, the types of mental illness that include loud
and out of control ( possibly dangerous) behavior 
are the ones that destroy marriages.

I am only glad my husband will not put up with his adult daughters 
bull.... and since she will not seek mental health help she will have to not come around us. There is not other choice.


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## kariered (May 8, 2009)

You are wrong. I know this post is a bit old, but I think this is important to say. This man did not agree to a marriage between his wife and her son. He only agreed and made vows to his wife. Mentally ill or not, her son is intruding on their marriage, and shame on his wife for letting him! Basically you are saying he should just shut up and deal with it because his son in law is mentally ill. That's sad. No wonder the divorce rate is so high. Are you aware of what you are saying? Think about it. You are saying that he should never ask a thing from his wife, to stop complaining about her not meeting his needs. Marriage is about meeting each other's needs, not one person just getting their needs met. So basically you are saying his wife is entitled to do what she wants. If she decides never to have sex with himagain, then that's fine, he should stop complaining. 
That is WRONG. 
His wife is the one with the problem. Firstly. She needs to get her son the proper help he needs-medical and mental. That is the ultimate in motherly love. Who will take care of him when she is gone? Her husband? I don't think so, and he shouldn't. 

Second, he can do what he wants with his money when it concerns his daughter. She has no say. It is not her kid. 
Third, she needs to mend her broken relationship with her husband. This is selfish behavior. No excuses. 

Stop making excuses for her and her son. Excuses mean nothing. 

As for this man, I know he deserves much more than what he's getting and needs to let his wife know this, or move out.



Sensitive said:


> My brother was diagnosed with
> 
> schizphrenia at age 20, and still lives with my parents at age 42. He is very functional and helps my parents with some tasks in their old age (they are in their 70s now). It sounds like your wife is very devoted to helping her son, and you are very jealous of the time she commits to him. The symptoms you described does not sound unusual. Have you considered devoting more time to studying the illness so you can assist your wife? I also think it would be downright cruel to try to kick out a mentally ill person from your house. Did his father skip out on him because of his illness? Is there any other relatives that can be companions for him? If you love your wife, I think you need to be more tolerant. I often wish my mother in law or stepdaughter didn't exist, but they keep coming over to our house. I think every couple has relatives that are part of the package when you get married.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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