# Is dating wrong?



## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

My STBXH and I have been separated for 13 months. It was a mental separation at first but became a physical seperation about 2 months after that. I am finally, finally to the point where I love him but I am not in love with him...ready to move on. So the issue is that I am thinking about possibly dating soon. So, why do I feel so guilty? Heck, he was having an affair (has had 2 during our marriage and one before) so explain to me why I feel badly when he was able to do that? 

Am I wrong to date?

Side note- I hired a lawyer but haven't done anything because he refuses to sign anything until he gets a place so I am waiting. I am tired of waiting and ready to move on.


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## Canardo (Mar 23, 2013)

I don't know the details of your separation, and it's unclear who left whom. But, no, I don't believe it is not wrong so long as you are comfortable with it. (Although others may have different views based on religion or morality.) I think it is important to be open with your STBXH about your intentions, but otherwise I see nothing wrong so long as you are emotionally prepared for it and have no intention to try to save the marriage.


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## confused12345 (Apr 22, 2013)

I'm no expert by any means, but girl-to-girl advice  you're the only one who can feel when you're ready to date, but it seems to me that your feelings of guilt may mean that you're not ready to move on from your ex. 

I don't want to over-analyze your actions or pretend to be a psychiatrist, but in my opinion, you have nothing to feel guilty about, you did not hurt him by repeatedly cheating on your H and you are not aiming for reconciliation, you want out, so don't beat yourself up about letting him go and seeing who else is out there. 

Re: Side note - you don't need him to sign anything, although D law differs state to state, most of those diff are irrelevant in your case because every state recognizes "Divorce for Cause", where you sue your H for D because of a "cause" recognized under the state law, which in your case is adultery. So you can file the complaint without his participation and then serve him a copy, and he will have to defend. I'm sure your lawyer can explain all this more precisely since your lawyer is familiar with your state law.

Good luck


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

I have been separated from my STBXW since Feb 17th and filed for divorce a couple of weeks ago. I have been done with the relationship ever since I moved out and see no issue with dating again. If you truly know in your heart you have no reason to ever want them back, I see no reason why you can't move forward with your life.


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## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

Canardo, I asked him to leave. It took awhile but he did.

I had a hard time moving on but have known for awhile now that staying with him or R was not an option. Feels like it took forever. I think maybe I feel guilty BC I don't want to hurt him (I know, shoot me now) and feel guilty BC I am not officially divorced. Being interested in someone else is really helping me though. I don't want to be in a serious relationship yet but I do want to date and have fun.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

My opinion.

You can want to repair things and work towards potential R.

You can be convinced you are done and want to move on.

The first would mean absolutely no dating or close other sex friends, effectively you hold to your vows as a married person. The second for me, means you are free and available.

While I wanted stbx to "come to her senses" and work on things, I didnt so much as look at another woman. Since i decided actually I am as done with her bs as she is with me, there is no going back so why not go forward.

I felt guilty at first but now i have a stupid shyt-eating grin on my face a lot of the time.

If you feel ready to date, and have no intention of working on things, I say go for it.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

IMHO there are two key questions to ask:
1. What is the effect on you? Are you ready for this?
2. What is the effect on those around you? Are they ready for this?

Neither are easy questions.

In terms of the effect on you, you may feel more ready than you actually are. As others have said, those feelings of guilt may be telling you something. I also believe that it is unfair on others to bring too much baggage and unresolved issues into a new relationship - and nor is it good for you or for that relationship.

In terms of he effects on others, there are a lot of things to consider.

There is the effect on your spouse. You may or may not care about this, but be aware that it will hurt them more than you think - no matter what the circumstances it is never easy to see someone you love(d) go off with someone else. I know your circumstances are different to mine but my STBXW started a relationship with someone pretty much the moment she dropped the D Bomb and boy was/is it painful to have to stand on the sidelines and watch this relationship develop.

If you feel that you need to sneak around and keep it quiet, that probably means that you know deep down that it is really going to hurt your husband. That's not necessarily a reason not to go ahead, but you need to address the issues openly and honestly and do what you can to minimise the hurt. Sneaking around is never a good idea - it's a form of lying and it will come back to bite you on the backside big time, not least because it will ensure that your clandestine relationship is toxic as it is based around a form of lie. 

OTOH, being open doesn't mean flaunting your new relationship. Be open but discrete. Anything that could be seen as rubbing your husband's nose in it is a big no-no (photos on Facebook, going to his favourite bar/restaurant with your new love, "launching" your new relationship with a big social whirl amongst all of your joint friends, etc.). Being seen to be respectful of your husband's feelings will win you big brownie points with friends. 

There is the effect on the marriage itself. As others have said above, reconciliation and outside relationships don't mix.

There is the effect on kids. They find it hard to forgive the person they see as having ended the marriage, particularly if they then go off with someone else.

There is the effect on family and friends. Some may judge you harshly if they think you are moving on with unseemly haste or giving up on a marriage that they think still has a chance. Or if they think it is flat wrong for you to be having outside relationships whilst you are still married. This can be a polarising decision, too. Just as you have made a choice between husband and New Man, so they may think that they have to make a similar choice - and quite a lot will probably choose to be loyal to your husband (and thus cool towards you).


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Voltaire said:


> IMHO there are two key questions to ask:
> 1. What is the effect on you? Are you ready for this?
> 2. What is the effect on those around you? Are they ready for this?


V you know i dig you mate, but i disagree. The effects on others can take a running jump. I don't care if there are people thinking i am acting wrongly. I don't care if it has an effect on stbx. Their happiness is not my responsibility any more.

Where i agree is about being sensible about it. I wouldn't hide it but there is absolutely no reason for it to be done "in you face".

The big one is the kids. Someone is going to have to be around for awhile and be pretty damn serious before the boys meet them other than maybe possibly in a social setting with no affection or inappropriate behaviour.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

K.C. said:


> V you know i dig you mate, but i disagree. The effects on others can take a running jump. I don't care if there are people thinking i am acting wrongly. I don't care if it has an effect on stbx. Their happiness is not my responsibility any more.
> 
> Where i agree is about being sensible about it. I wouldn't hide it but there is absolutely no reason for it to be done "in you face".
> 
> The big one is the kids. Someone is going to have to be around for awhile and be pretty damn serious before the boys meet them other than maybe possibly in a social setting with no affection or inappropriate behaviour.


Well, we can agree to disagree!

I'd say two things though. First, the kids are included in my "other people" category - and it sure as hell matters what they think.

Second, although I appreciate your sentiment that other people can go to hell if they don't like it, there is a cost associated with that. If friends and family all turn their back on you over the relationship that is going to impact your happiness. Also, if all the people you care about are telling you that what you are doing is wrong, you would be a fool not to pay some attention - even if you ultimately decide to go ahead with it anyway.


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## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

Wow. You all have some great points. I will say that 1. My kids will never meet anyone I date unless it is very serious. I don't want people coming in and out of their lives. 2. I do care about hurting my x, whether I should or not. I do not want to hate each other or even dislike each other so I feel it's necessary to treat each other kindly and with respect. 3. I will not go back to him. Not now. 4. I haven't asked our friends but most of them are furious with him for what he did and don't speak to him so I think it's a safe assumption that they won't be upset with me.

And, you're right. I do not want to bring my baggage into another relationship which is why I haven't dated and see a counselor and am constantly trying to work on myself.....for me and my kids. That being said, I met someone who I have an instant attraction to and would really like to get to know. I have never had that before. It's nice (and terrifying).

I love all the feedback though, definitely things to think about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Voltaire said:


> Well, we can agree to disagree!
> 
> First, the kids are included in my "other people" category - and it sure as hell matters what they think.


Yep we can. 

We totally agree on the kids though. I dont count them as 'other people though, they get their own special category. It's where i put the comfy seats! 



ImperfectMomma said:


> That being said, I met someone who I have an instant attraction to and would really like to get to know. I have never had that before. It's nice (and terrifying).
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is EXACTLY where I have suddenly found myself. It is VERY scary but very exciting too.

I'd say go for it but you would have to keep a very close eye on yourself.. It is hard to reign yourself in and it is something i am battling a little atm, as just with the rest of my life, I managed to make it complicated!


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

ImperfectMomma said:


> Wow. You all have some great points. I will say that 1. My kids will never meet anyone I date unless it is very serious. I don't want people coming in and out of their lives. 2. I do care about hurting my x, whether I should or not. I do not want to hate each other or even dislike each other so I feel it's necessary to treat each other kindly and with respect. 3. I will not go back to him. Not now. 4. I haven't asked our friends but most of them are furious with him for what he did and don't speak to him so I think it's a safe assumption that they won't be upset with me.
> 
> And, you're right. I do not want to bring my baggage into another relationship which is why I haven't dated and see a counselor and am constantly trying to work on myself.....for me and my kids. That being said, I met someone who I have an instant attraction to and would really like to get to know. I have never had that before. It's nice (and terrifying).
> 
> ...


A couple of quick thoughts for you, based on my experience...

My kids have never (and I hope will never) meet my STBXW's boyfriend. But that doesn't mean that he doesn't impact their lives or that they don't have a view on him or on the affair. Every hour my STBXW chooses to spend with him is an hour that she chooses not to spend with them - and they know it. Whilst he is on the scene there is no chance of a R - and they know it (and whilst you may have given up on the marriage kids often never do - you hear of grown up kids still secretly wishing that Mom and Dad would get back together long after D). And they know that my STBXW is sneaking around and they don't like that one bit.

As far as your friends being furious with your H is concerned, that does not mean that they will automatically approve of your affair. Friends tend to be very even-handed. I'm sure you can think of situations where, as a friend, you think that two halves of a couple have each behaved badly. 

Having said all of that, it sounds like it could be a wonderful new start for you. My advice would just be to be open and respectful and remember that it will probably hurt him more than he will ever want to show you. But it sounds like you already have that covered and want to treat him with full respect. The ones who will ultimately judge you will be your kids, as they can be very harsh critics, are slow to forgive and you sure as hell care what they think of you. Good luck!


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

ImperfectMomma said:


> My STBXH and I have been separated for 13 months. It was a mental separation at first but became a physical seperation about 2 months after that. I am finally, finally to the point where I love him but I am not in love with him...ready to move on. So the issue is that I am thinking about possibly dating soon. So, why do I feel so guilty? Heck, he was having an affair (has had 2 during our marriage and one before) so explain to me why I feel badly when he was able to do that?
> 
> Am I wrong to date?
> 
> Side note- I hired a lawyer but haven't done anything because he refuses to sign anything until he gets a place so I am waiting. I am tired of waiting and ready to move on.


What do you mean "he refuses to sign anything". You don't need his PERMISSION to get a divorce?

Go ahead and file now. If you're ready you're ready. Get it over with, then you can feel good about dating.


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