# Having a tough time...



## quick (May 1, 2012)

I'm going to try and make a long story short.

I've been married for a year, been together for seven total. Things aren't easy, at times good, at times miserable. We've seemed to have grown into very different people and its very hard to remember what we had between us years ago that even brought us together in the first place and its harder to think of what keeps us together.

I met a woman through work who I more or less fell for. Through talking and hanging out around work and more recently in phone calls and messages we've become extremely close. She has a long term boyfriend with lots of personal issues and I have my wife with our issues, so that's always been a popular talking point with us and a source of guilt for me (basically 'dating' another woman behind my wife's back and behind her boyfriend's back). We talked a great deal and expressed to one another how much we missed each other while away, basically how much we appreciated one another. It was exciting, new, and appreciated in light of the rut my marriage was in. I didn't know what exactly I wanted out of a 'relationship' with her (as in have it turn into something more serious, or just someone to talk with like we had been doing with occasional flirting tossed in), but I knew I wanted to continue pursuing something. We had never done anything physical, only talking and becoming emotionally tied, so my conscience still felt clear despite doing this behind my wife's back.

Things reached a boiling point of sorts when I offered to go out to talk about things with her and she ended up declining after some consideration. I assumed she was losing that kind of interest in me and wanted to try and fix things with the bf and begrudgingly let it go. She quickly told me she was sorry and really wanted to go, however she felt guilty. She smiled when she saw me, and it just wasn't right. I returned an insanely long diatribe of confessions about how talking with her and seeing her made me happy. How I wanted to continue talking and hanging out to see where things went between us. I didn't want to just ignore the feeling I had and wonder what might have been. Her response was thankfully a mature and moral one; you're married, it isn't right. Like a smack in the face that brought me back to reality, I realized how right she was. How could I be such an idiot to think what I was proposing was remotely OK? I apologized profusely for screwing everything up and we agreed it was better to avoid hanging out and talking like we had been doing recently and just try to be amicable co-workers.

Now with this guilt of ruining one of my better friendships of late, and doing it all behind my wife's back, I still can't stop thinking about all the what-ifs: what if my wife was right, we should have broken up years ago before being engaged and all this turmoil and at times misery in marriage isn't what either of us want and just staying together out of familiarity and commitment to our vows is going to make us more and more miserable with time? What if separating is the best thing for us at this point? What about this other girl; the attraction between us felt so right? If I were to separate from my wife, how could things possibly work between us? Even if she isn't the right one and what we had wasn't meant to be, does the fact that all this happened and I more or less sought it out and tried to make it happen prove just how flawed I and my marriage is?

Anyone with any insights, thoughts, or recommendations? Just kind of tired of the internal torment and need some guidance.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

If your wife says you should split up, why haven't you?
You need to look as to why you're together first.


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## quick (May 1, 2012)

Numb-badger said:


> If your wife says you should split up, why haven't you?
> You need to look as to why you're together first.


Thats part of the problem, that was so many years ago back when I only had "eyes for her" and all that and fought hard to hold on to her despite the issues. Now I feel like she saw something I wasn't at the time and now I'm starting to. Since our engagement we've had problems but neither has been so bold as to suggest we should split up.

edit: you are right, though; I definitely need to figure out why we are here, and if that's where we want to be.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Then that's the part of the problem you need to sort out first. From what you've just said there seems to be no communication between you. Being bold is only a part of the issue, being HONEST is priority. You need to speak with your wife about yourselves, your future, you're expectations and listen to each other. Understand that she will have visions and ideas of her own and you need to take them on board. The road you are heading down is filled with grief, pain and misery and rarely ends well for anyone.

Picture, just for a moment, your wife, friendly with a co worker, sitting watching the TV with you, but thinking about HIM. Shopping with you, thinking about HIM - the conversations she is having with him and the direction in which she wants to guide the conversations. Know, really know what her end game is.
How would you really feel?

First things first. Speak with your wife.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You don't have a friendship here, you have an emotional affair about to go physical.

So do you choose cheating or not being a POS?

Right now the choice is all yours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Quick, your in the fog. 

Your thought processes are comprimised by naturally occuring chemicals in your brain. I'll bet you _crave_ this other women, and you can't stop obsessing over her. Your entire reality is distorted. Your quite literally on drugs.

The brain evolved this motivational pathway to focus all of your energy on a single individual so you will start the mating process. Your on a dopamine bender.

Research 'the fog'.

Your about to do something really stupid you will regret. Sober up.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

You know, it takes work to remember all the reasons that you are together. If you let that slide, so will the marriage. Sounds like you and your wife need to put in the effort to reconnect. Many, many years ago, in my misspent youth, I was close friends w/ a coworker, who was engaged at the time. One night I touched her inappropriately. The look she gave me let me know that I had destroyed the friendship. That night I set about discovering my boundaries, which have held up for the rest of my life. Lesson learned.


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## quick (May 1, 2012)

Man, you guys are good.  Thanks for the insights and suggestions. I talked with the other woman yesterday hoping to explain myself a bit better; why I was wrong, that I was sorry for more or less stringing her along and thinking I could drag her into my personal issues, but that I didn't regret the things I said or our time spent together and I need to figure out where my marriage stands and work on that first and foremost. We agreed to try and keep our distance, which of course won't be easy. I should only be working in the same department as her for another couple weeks before transferring elsewhere so that will help a great deal.

The simple fact at this time is I still want a relationship with this other woman; so I'm hoping with time apart and communicating with my wife about the problems we're having (also started yesterday, not exactly successful) will set things straight and back on a happier road. If not, at least we're learning this now early on rather than later I suppose.

Regarding communication, how open should I be? Do I disclose the information about this other woman? I feel an obligation to at least mention it, if the shoe was on the other foot I would want to know... On the other hand when we're trying to set about fixing our relationship and issues, is mentioning the other person and opening that can of worms the best idea at least right now? But then again, if things do get better I wouldn't want to out of the blue say something like "Oh yeah, remember when we were really unhappy a couple months back? No big deal but there was this other woman I was talking with and it kind of helped me realize how unhappy I was, but nothing happened physically so its OK right?..."

All in all, and I also said this to the other woman, I think this was a good thing to happen. Eye opening to the flaws in my relationship and showing that they need to be fixed or abandoned if it comes to that.

I'll keep watching for more suggestions and will try to update as things progress.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

This is NOT what you think it is. You are about to f*ck up in spades. 

sigh.... I might as well be talking to a wall though.

Good luck, buckle your seat belt casanova. This is going to leave a nasty mark.


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## quick (May 1, 2012)

I'm sorry to disappoint, I don't really know what other solution there is than the one I'm working towards... I'm trying to communicate through the problems and disagreements and stopped the extra-curricular communication stuff with the other woman, not sure what more I can do then that at this point.


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## Onmyway (Apr 25, 2012)

quick said:


> I talked with the other woman yesterday hoping to explain myself a bit better; why I was wrong, that I was sorry for more or less stringing her along and thinking I could drag her into my personal issues, *but that I didn't regret the things I said or our time spent together *and I need to figure out where my marriage stands and work on that first and foremost. *We agreed to try and keep our distance, which of course won't be easy. *I should only be working in the same department as her for another couple weeks before transferring elsewhere so that will help a great deal.


I don't regret and we agreed to try, those are part of the problem.

The most that you should do with OW is tell her that this "friendship" is coming between your marriage and it needs to stop now, no "try to's", no "I don't regrets". And then stay away from her permanentely.

And then tell your wife that you were starting an EA, give transparency, and work on your marriage problems while you still have a chance.

You're talking to OW like you have a romantic love that's being stopped by an evil outside influence. You'll be back to talking to her again in just a few days, if it actually ever stops, and you'll feel relieved that this evil outside influence (marriage) didn't come between you and your "friend".


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

You need to go TOTAL NO CONTACT with her - absolute.
Your thoughts of her are an escape from your responsibility at home.
Focus only on the issue at hand which is NOT the other woman, rather the relationship you are in now.
It may not have gone well, but make sure that you are not deliberately self-sabotaging your efforts in order to stray and feel justified in doing so.
You need to be fully aware of what you want to discuss, how you wish to move forward and persuade your wife to speak up.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

A couple of observations: 

1. You are putting a higher priority into talking with, explaining things, and frankly being sensitive to the feelings of the OW than you are your wife.

2. You are still delusional that you should even have any future relationship with this person. Dude, stop viewing her as tempting fruit and see her as the major threat to your marriage that she is. She is your enemy in that way. If someone was going to physically hurt you wife, you'd be all over then. EAs are the equivalent emotional assault, so why are you being kind to the attacker?

3. I do think you tell your wife, but not the way you are thinking. Instead Id say, there was this person that has been talking with me. I've found that the relationship was straying into bad territory and when I realized where it was headed I made the smart choice to stop and say, what the hell! So I've ditched that person and I won't be having any contact with them. I choose you and the marriage always as my priority.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Quick, have you considered MC? You guys may need some help to get back to a point where you can start to rebuild your marriage. I agree w/ Shaggy, that at some point, probably sooner than later, you need to have a calm discussion of your relationship in which you reveal that you were attracted to another woman, but realized that what you really wanted to do was reclaim your relationship with your wife, because she was and is your first choice.


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## quick (May 1, 2012)

Been a little while... Just to give an update, everything is out in the open now between me and my wife. Told her the whole story and talked over the implications. We're communicating a lot better now than we were. Taking responsibility and working on not taking each other for granted.

No longer communicating with the other woman out of work and avoiding contact as much as possible while at work. Going to take some time to get over her and the feelings I had, but with time it will pass and I will be better for it.

Thanks again, I'm glad I came on here and had an intervention of sorts and got help seeing what was happening and getting back on the right track.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

I'd be on for looking for another job while I'm at it. There is still risk being in the same place as the OW, at this stage all it may take is a nasty fall out with the wife for a f*** you fog to hit you.

Also there will come a time (soon) that your wife will see this OW as a distracting threat and demand you deal with it. You had better be on the ball and ready to deliver.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

quick, how are you going to manage no contact if you still work together? I've yet to see one of these relationships that didn't barrel straight into an affair when the two were co-workers and both still on the job.

I would do these things, if you are serious
--get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass--you will learn how you got yourself into this pickle

--get the books 5 Love Languages, His Needs / Her Needs, and Love Busters

sit down with your wife and do the free website questionnaires that come with these books

this is a total win/win situation. You help teach your wife how to express love to you in a way that YOU appreciate. You may be surprised that she doesn't know this--but that is quite common--people express love to others the way THEY prefer it. In the meantime, you will learn how to express love to your wife (and via love busters, avoid offending her). These books aren't substitutes for a good marriage counselor, but they will but a jump start toward connecting on a deeper level.


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## quick (May 1, 2012)

After next week I'll no longer be in the same department and my transfer to another part of the company starts, so that will help. I'll definitely check out those books you recommended.


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