# General Disrespect



## arielhelwani (Nov 13, 2014)

My wife and I have been married for 3 years, together for about 5. When we were dating, my wife was in the military, and I was aware that she had a "hard" exterior, but always made a point of leaving that at work, and being very loving and caring. However, things have changed pretty dramatically in the past 2 years.

She has begun treating me with a great amount of disrespect and disgust. Much of it surrounds having conversations where we may or may not agree on elements of the conversation. We have disagreed about things in the past 2 years (in my opinion, it has been in reference to extremely inconsequential things...i.e. Whether the Minnesota Vikings should have traded Adrian Peterson after his 2000 yard season several years ago - in my mind, in the grand scheme of things, who cares if we disagree?), however, it has resulted in her becoming enraged to the point of physical violence. Consequently, when she brings up a topic where I have a fairly strong feeling that we will wind up disagreeing, my guard goes up, because I think of these past incidents, and I balk at such conversations. Now, me hesitating at engaging in the conversations results in her becoming enraged. I've tried to explain my point of view, that I will happily engage in adult conversations with her (I would actually like to!), but our marriage needs to be a "safe" place (for lack of a better term) for us to just simply have a conversation without all of the anger. The responses that I've gotten when I've raised that issue have ranged from her calling me a pus*y, to her telling me that her tampons are in the bottom drawer and I should use one, to her calling me a little b*tch.

Another element of her becoming enraged is that after she gets done with her ridicule, etc, etc, she "runs away" (at least that's how I see it...she would disagree about the terminology) and goes several states away to her parents house. For example, most recently, she and I were at dinner last Friday night (6 days ago). The issue came up of where we were going to move when our lease expires in about 6 months. She's been lobbying for us to move near her parents, and I've been resisting, since it would require me giving up my good job, and moving to a small town in the south with few job prospects for me within 100 miles. Consequently, I hesitated at the conversation going down that road. That threw her into a fury, she stormed out of the restaurant, all the while calling me every name in the book. Within 30 minutes, had a flight booked to her parent's state, and was out the door toward the airport. 4 days later she returned, and is still mad. It's now been 6 days, and she's told me that she's leaving after Christmas, that I'm not worth even trying to work on things with, that I'm the world biggest P.O.S., that she can't stand the sight of me, etc.

My amateur analysis for what it's worth:
-Last fall, she attended personal counseling, and also saw a doctor, who prescribed some anti-depression medication. She took the medication for about 2 months last fall and the difference was night and day. The eruptions of anger were really smoothed out, and life was fantastic, and she commented a number of times that she never thought she could be so happy. She stopped taking the medication after two months because her mom convinced her that it would turn her into a zombie on medication. I've asked several times since then that she start back up on it, but she has angrily refused.
-I see much of the problem coming from her mom (see example above). For example, I've never in my life seen a spouse treat their significant other with the amount of disgust and disrespect as her mom treats her husband. She despises him, and treats him like he isn't worth the dog dung that she just stepped in. Consequently, the more my wife is around her mom, the more I see her acting in a similar manner (and treating me in a similar manner). I'm not trying to keep her from her mom, but at the same time, it seems to be a very toxic relationship.

All of that to say, I find myself at a crossroads:
-Part of me wants this marriage to work out simply because I committed to it, and when it's going well, it's going very well. And I was given a ray of hope when she was on medication last fall, and I keep holding out hope for that.
-The other part of me thinks that nobody deserves to be treated how I'm treated, called the names that I'm called, and treated with such contempt. This part of me thinks that I should get out of this at all costs, that there's no hope here, and that no one deserves this.

I'm leaning toward the latter, but perhaps I'm just hurt. I would appreciate any thoughts of how you would handle things.

Thanks!


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## jin (Sep 9, 2014)

Does your wife ever apologise for her outbursts? Can you let it go and move on if she continues with counselling and help?


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## arielhelwani (Nov 13, 2014)

jin said:


> Does your wife ever apologise for her outbursts? Can you let it go and move on if she continues with counselling and help?


It is a rare occasion when she does apologize. I would happily continue on if she continued in counseling, but she has given up the individual counseling, given up the anti-depressants, and she has stopped going to marital counseling as well.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

No kids I hope. It's ultimatum time. Tell her you can no longer live this way, and you will give her 6 months to stop the verbal/emotional abuse. If she can't, when the lease is up, so is the marriage.

After saying that, it's time for the 180 to get yourself back into a good emotional state and to work on yourself. I doubt she plays ball, but at least you can say that you tried.


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## arielhelwani (Nov 13, 2014)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> No kids I hope.


Thank goodness no kids!


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

arielhelwani said:


> My wife and I have been married for 3 years, together for about 5. When we were dating, my wife was in the military, and I was aware that she had a "hard" exterior, but always made a point of leaving that at work, and being very loving and caring. However, things have changed pretty dramatically in the past 2 years.
> 
> She has begun treating me with a great amount of disrespect and disgust. Much of it surrounds having conversations where we may or may not agree on elements of the conversation. We have disagreed about things in the past 2 years (in my opinion, it has been in reference to extremely inconsequential things...i.e. Whether the Minnesota Vikings should have traded Adrian Peterson after his 2000 yard season several years ago - in my mind, in the grand scheme of things, who cares if we disagree?), however, it has resulted in her becoming enraged to the point of physical violence. Consequently, when she brings up a topic where I have a fairly strong feeling that we will wind up disagreeing, my guard goes up, because I think of these past incidents, and I balk at such conversations. Now, me hesitating at engaging in the conversations results in her becoming enraged. I've tried to explain my point of view, that I will happily engage in adult conversations with her (I would actually like to!), but our marriage needs to be a "safe" place (for lack of a better term) for us to just simply have a conversation without all of the anger. The responses that I've gotten when I've raised that issue have ranged from her calling me a pus*y, to her telling me that her tampons are in the bottom drawer and I should use one, to her calling me a little b*tch.
> 
> ...


As an abuse survivor, the ONLY way I would EVER decide to stay with a woman this abusive is if she was doing the hard work to get her anger issues under control without the meds. Meds in some cases needs to be a temporary bridge to healthier non destructive behavior. But since she is not willing to do meds at all and this is who she is without them, I would lean towards the latter. My H has anger issues and is choosing to get therapy and is not having to manage his emotions with meds. Your wife would be a deal breaker for me.

I am on a clock right now with my H. He has head heavy support this year and the true test will come if he can maintain without such heavy support. So I'm giving this until the end of next year to find out. But he is doing the heavy lifting and he has NEVER called me the names your wife is calling you. If she wants to leave.... let her. My H didn't want to leave and wanted to get better for himself, his son and me. It makes a difference.

If your gut is telling you the latter, trust it.


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## jin (Sep 9, 2014)

You should consider getting IC counselling for yourself. 

How long has she been abusive towards you?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She's said she's leaving after Christmas? If you don't have children then what's she waiting for? You to grovel and beg her to stay? Don't. Tell her you want to be married to her but a lot of work needs to be done to continue.


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## arielhelwani (Nov 13, 2014)

Openminded said:


> She's said she's leaving after Christmas? If you don't have children then what's she waiting for? You to grovel and beg her to stay? Don't. Tell her you want to be married to her but a lot of work needs to be done to continue.


I sound like a cynical jerk, but it's just the reality of the situation. There's one thing that she's staying until Christmas for...money. She got out of the military earlier this year with the intention of returning to school to finish her degree. She failed to do any of the leg work to get things set up with the GI Bill until the say the semester started this fall (she had 6 months from the time she got out until the semester started), so the military isn't paying her tuition, nor are they paying her the housing allowance under the post-9/11 GI Bill. All of that to say that I'm footing the bill for her to take 3 classes this semester, and footing the bill for her living expenses, since she isn't working. She's supposed to be set up with the GI Bill for next semester, so that's likely what the wait is for on her part...wanting me to pay for her to live this next month an a half.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Oh geeze.. how are you going to protect yourself from now until then?


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

She has been treating you this way for a while now. Cannot seem to change. Moving to closer to her parents is to suit her not you. It would be far too easy for her to run there each time she has a blowup. Being so close to her parents, they would end being involved in your marriage. She is also threatening to leave by Christmas and you have no children? Let her carry out her threat. let her leave. Do a complete 180. Work on yourself and your life. You set your boundaries, and don't back off. If she wants back, she will let you know. If not. Divorce and be done. Do you want to end up like her father? From what you said in your original OP, I would look at it as a second chance at a new life.


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

Get her out of your life ASAP! This woman needs years and years of therapy and self development, are you going to wait around until she's completely sucked you emotionally dry?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

In that case, don't waste your money on Christmas presents for her or her family.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

There are two kinds of conflict cowards: 1)Those who avoid conflict at all possible, and 2)Those who drop TNT to end conflict ASAP. Both are dysfunctional, but it seems like your wife doesn't seem to know how to deal with conflict other than dropping a grenade and running away. I would definitely pay attention to how conflict was handled in her early years, and I would imagine that she possibly was stripped of a lot of her choice/power when it came to disagreement and just brings that to you. 

My wife came from a trauma background and lost rationality during conflict, taking a scorched earth tactic. It would really could help her if she could isolate why conflict will often trigger such a strong response AND what you can do to convey that you are there to support and listen and NOT control or take away her power. Those who have been emotionally bullied by family will grow up to feel cornered during conflict and lash out like a snake to protect themselves. I almost guarantee you are dealing with her overwhelming irrational fear in these moments. 

If you are dealing with an anger addict, you can probably see it build up over time...and see that it is almost unavoidable when she is going to blow...that conversations are like a minefield...as you never really know when or how you are going to step in the wrong place and get blown up. I don't know. That fact that she retreats, to me, seems like she loses herself to her fear and can only find her ground after she flees and finds her stability. In that case, I would work with her to ascertain if there are other factors that make her feel unsafe...or is it truly arguments that create this mess.


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

Beat the rush and serve her Turkey for Thanksgiving with a side serving of divorce papers. Beat the Christmas rush!!


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Guy, you married a soldier. Although this emotional abuse is not acceptable, she might have undiagnosed PTSD. You need to talk to her about her anger issues and abusive behavior. You both need to have professional counseling.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

arielhelwani,
she's checked out. She no longer respects you. I don't know the initial reasons but you still wanting to be married to her has to be a contributing reason now. She knows that she's treating you in ways no man or woman should put up with but you're still here asking questions as if there's a solution to fix it. The solution is to send her packing and maybe she'll gain respect for that action and come back. I'm guessing it's too late though. Honestly though it doesn't matter if she comes back. What matters is that you draw your lines and set your boundaries and like who you see in the mirror.

Bottom line? Life is too short to deal with this. We don't know know how many days we have so at least be with someone who wants you and treats you good.


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## arielhelwani (Nov 13, 2014)

Roselyn said:


> Guy, you married a soldier. Although this emotional abuse is not acceptable, she might have undiagnosed PTSD. You need to talk to her about her anger issues and abusive behavior. You both need to have professional counseling.


You're welcome to disagree with me, but I have a hard time buying the PTSD issue. She's never seen direct combat, never been in anything of the sort. Additionally, the military has mandated anger management counseling for her for nearly 10 years, so this isn't some new issue that's come up.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Openminded said:


> She's said she's leaving after Christmas? If you don't have children then what's she waiting for? You to grovel and beg her to stay? Don't. Tell her you want to be married to her but a lot of work needs to be done to continue.


Hmmmmmm....leaving after Christmas.

Now would be the PERFECT time to buy her a gift that illustrates how much you care about her....

LUGGAGE!
:smthumbup:


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

*Re: Re: General Disrespect*



arielhelwani said:


> You're welcome to disagree with me, but I have a hard time buying the PTSD issue. She's never seen direct combat, never been in anything of the sort. Additionally, the military has mandated anger management counseling for her for nearly 10 years, so this isn't some new issue that's come up.


So she shows her bad behavior at work as well. At least she is equal opportunity & doesn't just lash out at you! 

In all reality, I would send her packing. Life is too short to be dealing with this kind of bull$hit.


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## arielhelwani (Nov 13, 2014)

Just to give a concrete example of how her mom ridicules her husband, consider their body weights. My wife's mother is at least 100lbs overweight for her height. In contrast, my wife's dad is perhaps 20lbs overweight (as a side now, if I'm that close to being my recommended weight when I'm 64 years old, I'd be pretty happy). Her mom ridicules her dad endlessly about his weight, calling him fat, lazy, a blob, etc, etc. Given each of their weight situations, it blows my mind that she would see it as her role to mock him for his weight.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

arielhelwani said:


> My wife and I have been married for 3 years, together for about 5. When we were dating, my wife was in the military, and I was aware that she had a "hard" exterior, but always made a point of leaving that at work, and being very loving and caring. However, things have changed pretty dramatically in the past 2 years.
> 
> She has begun treating me with a great amount of disrespect and disgust. Much of it surrounds having conversations where we may or may not agree on elements of the conversation. We have disagreed about things in the past 2 years (in my opinion, it has been in reference to extremely inconsequential things...i.e. Whether the Minnesota Vikings should have traded Adrian Peterson after his 2000 yard season several years ago - in my mind, in the grand scheme of things, who cares if we disagree?), however, it has resulted in her becoming enraged to the point of physical violence. Consequently, when she brings up a topic where I have a fairly strong feeling that we will wind up disagreeing, my guard goes up, because I think of these past incidents, and I balk at such conversations. Now, me hesitating at engaging in the conversations results in her becoming enraged. I've tried to explain my point of view, that I will happily engage in adult conversations with her (I would actually like to!), but our marriage needs to be a "safe" place (for lack of a better term) for us to just simply have a conversation without all of the anger. The responses that I've gotten when I've raised that issue have ranged from her calling me a pus*y, to her telling me that her tampons are in the bottom drawer and I should use one, to her calling me a little b*tch.
> 
> Another element of her becoming enraged is that after she gets done with her ridicule, etc, etc, she "runs away" (at least that's how I see it...she would disagree about the terminology) and goes several states away to her parents house. For example, most recently, she and I were at dinner last Friday night (6 days ago). The issue came up of where we were going to move when our lease expires in about 6 months. She's been lobbying for us to move near her parents, and I've been resisting, since it would require me giving up my good job, and moving to a small town in the south with few job prospects for me within 100 miles. Consequently, I hesitated at the conversation going down that road. That threw her into a fury, she stormed out of the restaurant, all the while calling me every name in the book. Within 30 minutes, had a flight booked to her parent's state, and was out the door toward the airport. 4 days later she returned, and is still mad. It's now been 6 days, and she's told me that she's leaving after Christmas, that I'm not worth even trying to work on things with, that I'm the world biggest P.O.S., that she can't stand the sight of me, etc.


And you should respond with

"Good...get the eff out you unstable Harpy...where should I mail the divorce papers"

Guaranteed she'd freeze in her tracks not knowing what to do.

You're way to passive. Your wife craves drama. She needs instability and you're not going to fix it.


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## Boxing judge (Aug 29, 2014)

If you don't have kids I wouldn't even try to work it out, it's not worth it and your wife sounds like a horrible person.


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## Kresaera (Nov 8, 2014)

There is no reason at all for you to put up with that. Since there are no children, I'd save her the time and let her leave now. You deserve better than that. Everyone does.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I've been a soldier over 33 years and did some combat tours. I don't care if she has PTSD, VD, ED, or the heartbreak of psoriasis. If someone has lost the ability to manage simple human decency and civility, they need professional help. As she refuses to cooperate in that regard, you have only two choices. You can be her worthless piece of crap for the rest of your days or you can be a respected and valued human being. If she has a screw loose (which sounds likely) you hanging around won't tighten it. If she learned nothing else in the military it's that she can control her emotions and that she is 100% responsible for her behavior at all times.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

While one doesn't need to be in combat, or suffer an injury to get PTSD, this isn't PTSD.

A person that was decent to their partner before the trauma began is further traumatised by the PTSD causing them to be nasty to their partners later. When it dawns on them that they can't fix what's bothering them by waiting it out and/or drinking, they seek help on their own.

The OPs partner feels no remorse, even delight in ridiculing him. Dramas at work too.

Overbearing mother berating the father might help her justify her behaviour but dramas outside the home are telling.

Since she apparently has some 'nice' and 'considerate' lurking within, you can probably rule out the worst of the personality disorders, but this has PD and a big dose of negative maternal influence written all over it.

Depression or PD (or a bit of both) the variety of drugs (SSRIs) to treat them are the same.

Clinical depressions and PDs can't be cured, only treated with drugs and/or therapy.

This woman won't get better without the medication she was on before plus some counselling to give her some insight into her own behaviour. She'd further benefit from ongoing CBT.

Since she's clearly in denial of her condition for the moment, the OP will be MUCH better off with her gone.

You can't help people who think nothing is wrong with them and won't get help. Best thing you can do for both of you is to help her pack her bags. DON'T let her back (if you want her back) until she's on meds. And don't buy a promise to take them later. Without them, she'll keep on ruining your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I am someone who believes in working through your problems in a marriage and fixing what's broken rather than throwing it away, but if what you've described is true, I don't see a lot of hope for your marriage I'm sorry to say. If I were you I'd view her statement of leaving after Christmas as an end to the marriage and start my preparations. If she could recognise any of the problems as hers and want to work on them I could see hope, but it seems there is no chance of that. Sometimes something is so broken you just can't fix it.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

Almost feel like I'd written this myself.

My hubby was in the armed services; was a police officer; along with an EMT. He has learned not to have feelings.

He's been married three times..I'm his 4th. I now understand why his other wives left as he's horrible to live with. Sweet as pie sometimes..and enough to win a woman over completely; yet once he's got her..the wrapper comes off and the good times become few and far between.

I knew him for like..ever. 15 years and he was the best friend I ever had. Listened to me vent when I was going through my divorce; sent me flowers as a friend when I was down; introduced me to his kids as we all fell in love with each other, etc. He was fun; he was funny. He picked me up when I was down...told me how beautiful I was, even on my worst days..and most of all..he loved me at my best..and at my worst.

That all ended shortly after we got married. He had his bad days as we all do, but he had more bad days than good. He hates the world and everything about it. Yells at traffic; can't stand to wait in line; etc. Most days I don't think he even likes me.

Is this something that comes from people in control as in the armed services, police force, etc.? Do these types of careers in a person's life mess with their heads to the point that it overflows into their personal lives?

As I mentioned earlier, he's shut down emotionally although he doesn't like to admit it. He'll only let me in so close and considers holding my hand special. He can be very sweet at times; sends me Hallmarks cards; songs on the internet, etc.; yet can't stand Christmas or any holiday. Told me that maybe it had to do with him having to spend so many years on the "soup line" when he was in the service and people coming in with "donated turkeys" when he knew he could buy 20 of them himself.

Then he mentioned his year in the police force after he worked as an EMT. Told me he'd seen it all and had enough so he went to work elsewhere. Got married and all his previous wives messed around on him, while he just worked his butt off. Tells me though..that that hasn't affected him any.

Makes me sad that I can't get close to him..probably because of his past. He's always been such a wonderfully sweet man when we were friends..why has he changed since we've gotten married??

I think I know the answer and it's probably because it's unconditionally given me his vulnerable heart. I know he knows I'd never hurt him, but how can I get past his past??


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

memyselfandi said:


> I think I know the answer and it's probably because it's unconditionally given me his vulnerable heart. I know he knows I'd never hurt him, but how can I get past his past??


You can't get past anything, and his past isn't going anywhere. If he hasn't sorted out his issues by now, he's not going to. It's not as if he hasn't had plenty of opportunity to see that he needs to, but he doesn't want to see it, so he won't. You've mentioned he's been married 3 times already. There was the jackpot of all warning signs that he doesn't stay the sweet man once he has you. What's the common denominator in a serial divorcee? I wouldn't blame his current attitude on his divorces, I'd blame his divorces on his attitude.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

toonaive said:


> She has been treating you this way for a while now. Cannot seem to change. Moving to closer to her parents is to suit her not you. It would be far too easy for her to run there each time she has a blowup. Being so close to her parents, they would end being involved in your marriage. She is also threatening to leave by Christmas and you have no children? Let her carry out her threat. let her leave. Do a complete 180. Work on yourself and your life. You set your boundaries, and don't back off. If she wants back, she will let you know. If not. Divorce and be done. Do you want to end up like her father? From what you said in your original OP, I would look at it as a second chance at a new life.


Exactly.

Consider also that moving will put you in a no-win situation. You do it, and then you cannot find a good job, you will be a leech on top of whatever other faults she perceived.

Set a hard boundary that you will not move to an area with job prospects worse than you have now. She will be a student with a GI bill and unless she wants to pursue an uncommon course of study she has huge flexibility over where to live.


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## arielhelwani (Nov 13, 2014)

DTO said:


> Exactly.
> 
> Consider also that moving will put you in a no-win situation. You do it, and then you cannot find a good job, you will be a leech on top of whatever other faults she perceived.
> 
> Set a hard boundary that you will not move to an area with job prospects worse than you have now. She will be a student with a GI bill and unless she wants to pursue an uncommon course of study she has huge flexibility over where to live.


I completely agree. Honestly, I think if I agreed to move to her parent's state, all I would be used for is the moving expenses. As often as she runs away to them now, I think the only reason she comes back to me is because she can't afford to move her things to her parents. If I moved to their state, I think within weeks I would be completely kicked to the curb, and be in a place with no good job prospects. I often struggle with boundaries, but there's no struggle for me on this one. That's a move that I'm completely unwilling to make.

I'm beyond frustrated at the situation, and her lack of willingness to take medication (for a reason that to me is completely ridiculous), and her unwillingness to continue counseling of any sort, because according to her, I'm the only one in this relationship with any problems (fantastic adult attitude there!). I'm about ready to check out.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The moment her current semester is over you need to send her on her way to her parents. No point in letting her hang around until Christmas, as she has said she's going to do, and then leave.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

arielhelwani said:


> Just to give a concrete example of how her mom ridicules her husband, consider their body weights. My wife's mother is at least 100lbs overweight for her height. In contrast, my wife's dad is perhaps 20lbs overweight (as a side now, if I'm that close to being my recommended weight when I'm 64 years old, I'd be pretty happy). Her mom ridicules her dad endlessly about his weight, calling him fat, lazy, a blob, etc, etc. Given each of their weight situations, it blows my mind that she would see it as her role to mock him for his weight.


Well, he lets her, now, doesn't he?

Just like you.

You get what you accept.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Have to tell you friend, the blame lies with you for this reason. First you let her disrespect you and when you did nothing, you gave her Carte Blanch to do it when ever she wanted to knowing you'll do nothing and then it escalated to doing it whenever she didn't get her way.

Second thing is this. When she became physically violent with you and she got away with it by you not doing anything about it, then you lost all control. YOUR FAULT. The day she hit you it should have been the last time she ever did that. I'm not saying hit her back because two wrong don't make a right but you should have called the cops and had her ass hauled off and when she came back let her know that with her violent outbursts and her ugly mouth she was no longer welcome in the home or your life and you should have sent her packing, got a lawyer and moved on rather than being stuck with a unstable woman who refuses to make any changes and refuses to take the medication that the doctor gave her. If she did that then she loses control over everything. Your fault friend. 

If it's me, I file, hand her the papers, have a VAR in my pocket and record everything. You still have a chance to regain your life but you have to want to. Either that or stay in this situation where your asking for more trouble then you ever thought possible.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Hormone imbalance. Get her tested.


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## arielhelwani (Nov 13, 2014)

6301 said:


> Have to tell you friend, the blame lies with you for this reason. First you let her disrespect you and when you did nothing, you gave her Carte Blanch to do it when ever she wanted to knowing you'll do nothing and then it escalated to doing it whenever she didn't get her way.
> 
> Second thing is this. When she became physically violent with you and she got away with it by you not doing anything about it, then you lost all control. YOUR FAULT. The day she hit you it should have been the last time she ever did that. I'm not saying hit her back because two wrong don't make a right but you should have called the cops and had her ass hauled off and when she came back let her know that with her violent outbursts and her ugly mouth she was no longer welcome in the home or your life and you should have sent her packing, got a lawyer and moved on rather than being stuck with a unstable woman who refuses to make any changes and refuses to take the medication that the doctor gave her. If she did that then she loses control over everything. Your fault friend.
> 
> If it's me, I file, hand her the papers, have a VAR in my pocket and record everything. You still have a chance to regain your life but you have to want to. Either that or stay in this situation where your asking for more trouble then you ever thought possible.


I'm not disagreeing with you that the blame lies with me for being so damn passive. My dilemma was more, given me being passive in the past, what do I do going forward? And for that, I appreciate your advice. That is likely the route that I will pursue.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

arielhelwani said:


> I'm not disagreeing with you that the blame lies with me for being so damn passive. My dilemma was more, given me being passive in the past, what do I do going forward?


Stop being passive.


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## arielhelwani (Nov 13, 2014)

turnera said:


> Stop being passive.


Thank you Captain Obvious


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

arielhelwani said:


> Thank you Captain Obvious


But he's right. If you want to avoid the violence, just wait until she leaves then tell her she isn't welcome back unless she's on meds for at least a month.

If you ARE up for it, tell her now. Tell her that when she leaves, she's gone for good or the options for returning are meds and counseling. Start laying out YOUR terms for continuing the marriage (which, in my opinion, you shouldn't continue).


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

arielhelwani said:


> Thank you Captain Obvious


Do you have an argument against it?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

arielhelwani said:


> I'm not disagreeing with you that the blame lies with me for being so damn passive. My dilemma was more, given me being passive in the past, what do I do going forward? And for that, I appreciate your advice. That is likely the route that I will pursue.


There are a couple of angles here. 1. What to do 2. What to expect. 3. What not to expect.


What to do: Get angry as h3ll at yourself for now drawing lines in the sand already. If someone is nasty to you then either they go or you go. The point is, you have control of how you react to others.

What to expect: You'll be pleasantly surprised that almost everyone will treat you with respect once you call them out. You'll also be happy to not be around anyone who didn't respect you boundaries. Expect to like who you see in the mirror and expect to think whoever's with you is lucky.

What not to expect: Don't expect to be able to make anyone treat you like you want them to. That's distinctly thier choice and some people don't have it in them to be respectful to others. You're better off without dealing with those. Another thing is don't expect your ex to notice this change and want you back. The paint has already dried and your colors aren't going to show to her. No matter because I think she's one of those who wouldn't have it in her to be respectful long term no matter what you do.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

turnera said:


> Do you have an argument against it?


I think he is looking for specifics on how.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Blossom Leigh said:


> I think he is looking for specifics on how.


Well, as a fellow abuse victim, here's how: START SMALL.

And this is advice from my therapist, so it's professional advice.

Pick ONE thing, one SMALL thing, that you can stop letting her get her way in. If she rails at you for how you load the dishwasher, stop loading the dishwasher. Tell her if she doesn't like how you do it, it's HER job now. Revert to washing by hand if she won't load the dishwasher, but do NOT do what she criticized you for. If she yells at you for how you give a kid a bath, say nothing, stand up from the tub, and LEAVE THE ROOM. Say "Your turn" as you walk past her. Go sit on the couch and read a book (hopefully No More Mr Nice Guy). If she comes out after the bath and yells at you, get up and leave the room. If she follows you, leave the house. Go for a walk, even if it's midnight. When you come back, if she tries to yell at you again, get your keys and your wallet. Say "I'm going to a hotel. When I come back, we can talk like civilized adults." And LEAVE. Don't come back until the next day. I know, it's scary. But it won't be as bad as you think it will.

Bottom line, you TEACH her how to respect you, by YOU respecting you first. If you can't do anything else, LEAVE THE ROOM when she disrespects you. You don't even have to say anything. She'll figure it out.

Doing one small thing may not affect the grand balance, but it will do WONDERS for your own self confidence. Trust me. And THAT is how you start to change things.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

turnera said:


> Well, as a fellow abuse victim, here's how: START SMALL.
> 
> And this is advice from my therapist, so it's professional advice.
> 
> ...


This is good stuff turnera. You should create a thread this and put a link in your signature. I'll add it to my sig as well if you create it.


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## arielhelwani (Nov 13, 2014)

Chris Taylor said:


> But he's right. If you want to avoid the violence, just wait until she leaves then tell her she isn't welcome back unless she's on meds for at least a month.
> 
> If you ARE up for it, tell her now. Tell her that when she leaves, she's gone for good or the options for returning are meds and counseling. Start laying out YOUR terms for continuing the marriage (which, in my opinion, you shouldn't continue).


I just chose Option #2, and the irrational anger has commenced!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If she raises her voice at you, leave the room.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

arielhelwani said:


> I'm not disagreeing with you that the blame lies with me for being so damn passive. My dilemma was more, given me being passive in the past, what do I do going forward? And for that, I appreciate your advice. That is likely the route that I will pursue.



You can't fix her. All you can do is fix yourself. If she's really motivated she'll want to be with you because of it. 

She needs you more than you need her. If she didn't she wouldn't storm off only to return. She's behaving like a toddler. When toddlers have tantrums do we try to reason with them? No. We ignore them. 

Stop engaging her. When she starts to yell, tell her "I will not be talked to this way" and walk out. Every single time. Bad behavior must never be tolerated. 

Let her know she has choices. Your not going to stop her from running off to mommy, but don't get mad when you change the locks. 

Her ministrations are designed to make you feel guilty and deflecting away from the real facts. You don't have to be an alpha ahole but you need boundaries that are clear. 

Try reading no more mr nice guy and when I say no I feel guilty. This will help you on your path.


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## arielhelwani (Nov 13, 2014)

So now I'm on to the next step here, and having never dealt with this before, I'd be open to some advice. I told her this morning that unless she saw a psychiatrist and began taking the medication that they prescribed by the end of the week, I would file for divorce. Not surprisingly, she refused to do that. I've got the divorce attorney on retainer already, so I'm good to go from that angle. Where I'm running into problems is how to actually physically get rid of her (that sounds a lot worse as I'm typing it than it really is...it's not like I'm looking to dump a body or something!). I told her I expected her out by the end of the week if she wasn't going to start taking her medication. She, of course, contends that she should be allowed to live in the basement until the lease is up in 6 months, because she's on the lease. With a rational person, I wouldn't necessarily have a problem with that. However, with her, there are two HUGE problems with it:
1. Her violent behavior wouldn't exactly give me warm and fuzzies and make me feel safe
2. She still expects (and I know this because she told me this today) me to pay for everything...the house, bills, food, etc, since I'm the one who's working.

Perhaps from a legal perspective I'm wrong, but I just can't fathom why she should be allowed to essentially get a "free ride" for the next 6 months and live in my basement. I'm assuming there's steps that can be taken, but I don't really know what they'd be. I also find it hard to believe that I'd have the right to just flat out throw her out. However, even if I did that, I wouldn't feel safe. Her comment this morning was, "Just try throwing me out and see what happens to you."

I think everyone who's read this post already is aware of my issues in the past with being passive, so we don't really need to rehash that at this point. Really, I'm more concerned with from a legal and practical perspective, how do I get her out (all while remaining within the bounds of the law), and how do I keep myself safe?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Don't ask us. Ask your lawyer.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I think the best bet is to bite the bullet, pay for two places, her phone, car, etc... with a time line that in six months she's on her own.

Doesn't matter if you leave or she does... you're renting and both will be out of there in sex months (unless she renews on her own. Which, by the way, you should give notice to your landlord now that YOU will not renew the lease).

Six months of bills will be worth it to separate/divorce.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

There's no feel good answer here. Call your lawyer ASAP. 

Many states will side with your wife. You can't just throw her out. But you can use legal means to do so. 

Get a VAR. Cary it with you at all times. Tell your wife to move to the basement until you can draft a separation agreement. Keep the law on your side.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> ...and both will be out of there in sex months...


My own Freudian slip


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

U.E. McGill said:


> There's no feel good answer here. Call your lawyer ASAP.
> 
> Many states will side with your wife. You can't just throw her out. But you can use legal means to do so.
> 
> *Get a VAR. Cary it with you at all times. *Tell your wife to move to the basement until you can draft a separation agreement. Keep the law on your side.


Get the var, carry it with you at all times. Edit yourself so you don't say anything that could remotely be considered threatening. The next time she threatens you, use the recording to get an order of protection and let the cops remove her. Where she goes from there would be her problem, but you could help her out a little by buying her a plane ticket to her parents.

Check the recording laws in your state, make sure it's a one party consent state.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

breeze said:


> You can't get past anything, and his past isn't going anywhere. If he hasn't sorted out his issues by now, he's not going to. It's not as if he hasn't had plenty of opportunity to see that he needs to, but he doesn't want to see it, so he won't. You've mentioned he's been married 3 times already. There was the jackpot of all warning signs that he doesn't stay the sweet man once he has you. What's the common denominator in a serial divorcee? I wouldn't blame his current attitude on his divorces, I'd blame his divorces on his attitude.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

I agree. His "present" isn't going anywhere either as the more he works in a position of power, the more he enjoys it, and has told me he actually "enjoys" yelling at people.

I'd hoped he'd leave it at work, however.

He never used to talk to me the way he does now. Since he works out of State and isn't here to help me with the things I need him to, of course I often have to make decisions on my own. 

I make every effort to call him when it comes to a decision and most of the time, he's unavailable..leaving me to make the decision on my own; of which I never make the right one..

Whether it was last Winter when I had car problems causing me to get towed and they told me it was either the alternator or the battery..or both. Since hubby was coming home and we were going to be on the road with the kids..I replaced both..

Hubby heard I replaced both and gave me the lecture about it being one or the other and how could I be so stupid??

Funny that several months later he had the same issue with HIS car...and it turned out to be both also.

COUGH COUGH!!

I could go on and on but the bottom line is that he always has to be right..and if he ISN'T right..he can't stand himself and somehow had to feel like he's right. It turns him into a three year old.

His mood swings are horrible and right now I'm very glad he's living out of state while I live here. Somehow us being married and him getting a job out of state is no longer a bad thing anymore. I hate saying that as I love him..but..if we lived together, I honestly think we'd be in divorce court!!

When I make the wrong decision..he can become a complete ass. Last one was when I bought a cell phone. I did the best I could without him but of course, it was wrong and I ended up going back and forth with the cell phone guys and feeling like a complete idiot.

Cheaper policy..should I do this or that?? Good Lord, I didn't know. Finally ended up taking the damned new cell phone back and telling them to switch me back to my old phone..when I got a call from my hubby saying, "Let me talk to the guy.."..and then when he didn't get the answer he wanted, he called our carrier, STILL didn't get the answer he wanted..and then blamed it on ME telling me that had I waited longer..we would have gotten a better deal.

Told him that that was what the rep told me at the carrier and my hubby proceeded to tell me that he was stupid..our carrier was stupid..and I was stupid too for not waiting longer.

Yep..everybody is stupid when he's wrong..even though he KNOWS he's wrong.

He just enjoys taking me down. He does it at work and love it. I ran into a text one of his coworkers sent him and they told him that he could make a grown man cry.

No lie..he's that bad!!

We joined the Y and I've been doing my damndest to lost all this extra weight I've put on. Working out 5 days a week and it's starting to show, but at my age..it's going to take some time, but I'm trying.

I was telling him about it one day on the phone and I heard him laughing. I asked what was so funny and he said, "Haha..she joins the Y and actually GAINS weight..who does that??"

I asked him what he said and his reply was, "Nothing..", yet I'd already heard him. I said, "So, I lost all this weight and even the kids noticed the last time you were home and you said nothing?" His reply was, "You lost a bunch before the wedding, but the last time I was home, I just noticed you gained some back.."

Coming from a guy that went from a size 38 pants the day we were married and is now wearing a 44..

Cheauvanistic as he is, he told me that it's ok for men to gain weight..but fat looks ugly on a woman...not that he thought I was fat by any means..as he'd still love me, but he never liked fat women..."haha"

I didn't find it funny. Neither did he I guess and he said, "Kidding..get it.."


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

memyselfandi,

I think you posted this on the wrong thread. You might want to post on one of your own threads????


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

arielhelwani,

Checking in on here. Are you ok? What's up?


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