# EA advice



## Lightmare (Aug 27, 2021)

So I found out at the end of work today my wife of 1 year, relationship of 6 is having an emotional affair with an ex fling from before we met. He randomly texted her a couple weeks ago and she told me about it and deleted it and blocked him.

But today she accidentally texted me an obvious flirty response and tried to explain it away. After serious lying I was able to find out she had been basically sexting the guy for 4-5 days after deciding to reach out.

The guy lives in Oklahoma now and they were talking about meeting up to have sex where he lives, she claims she never intended to do it and it was more about the fantasy. Which I do believe given where we live she would never actually have been able to pull off an excuse to do it. I have to take her word on this thought since she was deleting the texts. She claims she was starting to realize what she was doing wasn’t fulfilling the need she thought it was, but given that it didn’t stop until I caught her any of that’s is kind of on deaf ears.

She is sobbing and apologizing for “giving up on us” and offering whatever assurances I need to move forward to rebuild trust but I’m just at a loss on how to proceed. Not knowing how long it would have otherwise continued and not being able to see the full scope of the conversation makes it hard when I can’t currently trust the word of the person trying to explain it all. 
I know there isn’t an answer anyone can give me that makes this easier but I hope that maybe some people can give some advice on how I can figure out if this was something that can be a turning point to a better relationship or just a clear sign she isn’t trustworthy and throw away a lot.


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## Jeffsmith35 (Apr 8, 2021)

Only 1 year out from making vows to you and she's doing this? Cut your losses. You will never be able to fully trust her ever again. Mentally simulate yourself in the future and how you feel not knowing the full truth. If that feels like a living hell, you know that ending it now is your best choice. She did this - it's all on her.


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## Jeffsmith35 (Apr 8, 2021)

She obviously didn't block him. She took it underground, and her slip up was your only saving grace to discover what she was doing. If she truly loved you, she would never do what she did.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Only married a year and pulling this crap. She’s lied and deceived you. She blocked then unblocked him. Deliberate.
You can recover the deleted text messages.

Right now she’s in the sorry she got caught mode. She’ll promise you the moon. The tears are for her getting caught.

Id let her go. Help pack her bags. The capability is there for her to do it again.

Sorry but there are better out there.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

You've been married a year and she is doing this ****? I would never be able to trust again. I'd be wondering if she was doing this **** before you got married too. If you were to leave it would be best to do it now after just 1 year. Can you imagine 10, 20 years down the line and all the years you would waste when you could find someone faithful. Plus divorce would be worse years later. I'd be wondering if she is telling you the whole truth right now. Cheaters lie and downplay it. Sorry you are going through this. You should still be in the honeymoon period.

When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark


YNWA


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You have to curbstomp the **** out of this. She has to KNOW — in no uncertain terms and down to her ****ing bones — that you will immediately move to divorce should she contact him in any way ever again.

New phone, new phone number. New email addresses.

Any and all social media accounts get nuked with no rebuilds whatsoever until at least 6 months have passed — and when that happens, he gets proactively blocked on everything.

No ephemeral messaging apps — no Snapchat, WhatsApp, etc. Not now, not ever.

No contact (NC) letter sent — she writes, you approve.

If he’s married or has a girlfriend, the EA gets exposed to her.

You get passwords to E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.

100% transparency with all devices and accounts going forward — and be ready to point out to her that 1) privacy and secrecy aren’t the same thing and 2) now that your trust has been broken, it’s time for transparency.

And here’s the thing — you can’t MAKE her do any of this. She has to do it willingly and with the understanding that the only path to reconciliation involves each of these things with no exception. If she refuses any of it, you immediately move to divorce.

You can’t choose your terrain, but you have to be able — and willing — to both read it and respond to it.

It really is that simple.

Read it, believe it, do it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Also, get the phone and perform data recovery.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

OR you can realize you’re only a year in, don’t want to be a warden, and instead GTFO.

Probably the better option IMO.


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

Divorce. She’s untrustworthy and it’s only a matter of time before she finds someone locally to do this with and turns it into a PA. She also was actively sexting and fantasizing about another man, and not you. She wasn’t fantasizing about you or desiring you. To me that’s a huge betrayal and one I would never stop thinking about. Cut your losses now while it’s early and you don’t have joint property or even worse, a kid. You will find someone else. Don’t let fear of not finding someone else keep you chained to someone who clearly doesn’t care about you in the right way. There are plenty of fish in the sea.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Lightmare said:


> So I found out at the end of work today my wife of 1 year, relationship of 6 is having an emotional affair with an ex fling from before we met. He randomly texted her a couple weeks ago and she told me about it and deleted it and blocked him.
> 
> But today she accidentally texted me an obvious flirty response and tried to explain it away. After serious lying I was able to find out she had been basically sexting the guy for 4-5 days after deciding to reach out.
> 
> ...


Some people are just not made for marriage. If she does this after 1 year she is probably not going to make a good wife and mother if you eventually have kids.

I am terribly sorry for you but you really need to think about your future and your potential kids future.

You deserve better.

The terrible truth is some folks just don't have it in them to have long term relationships they just self destruct. In all my experience of this with my Father cheating, having been cheated on, then reading for years about it after the fact, I have come to the conclusion that it's like the story of the scorpion and the frog, it's in their nature.


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## mickybill (Nov 29, 2016)

Two things, it seems that old flings, ****buddies, lovers have a long shadow and a bored spouse can pine for the thing that was. 
And that is what your wife of just a year did, people will say just a year but you were together for 5 so 6 is really close to the 7 year itch that soooo many women and men too, just can't help but look for some strange (or something from the past)
Secondly the plan trip to OK It may have been a fantasy but then it would be come a plan and then she's in OK...you caught it early ...lucky you.

Ask her how she will fix this and regain your trust.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

@Lightmare sorry you are here, you got some really good advice!
You said:


Lightmare said:


> The guy lives in Oklahoma now and they were talking about meeting up to have sex where he lives, she claims she never intended to do it and it was more about the fantasy. Which I do believe given where we live she would never actually have been able to pull off an excuse to do it. I have to take her word on this thought since she was deleting the texts.


While this is true that she can't go to him, but you forgot the part where the OM (other man) can book a ticket and fly to YOUR city for a nice sex feast weekend!
You are very lucky that you got the accidental text, the universe is giving you another chance!

FACTS we know:

She only likes the idea of marriage (walking down the aisle, being a married woman in front of her girl friends and family, security ..Etc)
The vows she took just a year ago meant nothing to her, there was a BUT in there (I will forsake all others.. But...).
She also has a BUT in her moral system (I believe in fidelity.. BUT if something exciting comes along, I will make an exception)
You are just a Beta provider and a chump to her, she doesn't have a burning desire for you, she doesn't desire you sexually.
She doesn't deeply love you or respect you, If she did, she will never have done something like this and entertain another man.
Just after one year of marriage and she is bored, trying to find a new fling, something new and exciting!
You're only a chump if you allow yourself to be one!
You don't know the full scope of the conversation, the guy might have already offered to fly to her (maybe a full phone recovery can help, hopefully she didn't rest her phone to factory settings)!
You are at a loss now, but wait and see what happens when she gets pregnant and all the doubts about your child will start to invade your head, you might even start to DNA test you kids!
Ask yourself what would have happened if the guy was in the same city? Or the guy was willing to fly to her? or some hot new dude she meets at a coffee shop?
You will never feel secure in you marriage, you will always have doubts and you will always ask yourself if this marriage is going to last long before she does something stupid again.

She is sobbing and apologizing for “giving up on us” because she was caught, she knows that finding a good man and actually getting married to him is extremely hard these days, marriage stats are drooping like a stock market and it's no where near recovery if ever!
There are so many good faithful loving women out there who would kill to find a good man and get married, but she took her marriage and you for granted and threw it away!

She did this just after only one year of marriage, what will happen when you guys hit a rough patch? because it will, like all other marriages do!
Seeing how easy she was willing to step out, add to that the easy hook-up culture we have these days (a woman can install an app and hook-up with a guy for sex in less than an hour), you need to ask yourself this dreaded question, was she faithful to you in the previous 6 years?
Are you sure she was faithful to you after you discovered her cheating and now know what she is capable of?!

@Lightmare, strong successful men when they started there life journey had and still have ZERO tolerance for disrespect and disloyalty, they have emotional strength, they maintain their self respect and dignity at all cost, even if they have to go through pain, hurt and loss to do that, they lick their wounds and move on and never look back, that's why they are successful and strong, so be one and act like one!

You seem like a very smart rational man, so I don't need to remind you about the financial implications if you decide to stay and expand you family with kids and more assets!

Don't pay the full price for something that another guy can get for free!


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

A year into the marriage? Were you able to recover their communications? Did she send him pics or videos? You’re wrong if you think this was not going to lead to an actual meet up . A dude will jump on a plane for a sure thing and you know from their sexting that sex was 100 percent on the agenda. 
Their shared sexual history, makes the ramp up to sex move at a very fast pace. 


This is the 2nd thread in a week where the WW accidentally outed herself by reaching out to the husband by accident. If you didn’t get that text, you would not know anything until she started pulling away from you and sexually cutting you off. If you have no kids, You should d her ASAP. If there are kids, then you have to think if this is something you can forgive. They didn’t have sex only because of the distance. If he were a short drive away, he would have already had her.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

A year into your marriage and this nonsense??

This is supposed to be a period where things should be great. Things are only going to get tougher as you move forward (kids, mortgage, health issues, etc).

This would be a HUGE concern to me and more than likely a deal breaker. That said, read the post by Gus, and use that as a plan if you're even considering trying to work this out.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Lightmare said:


> maybe some people can give some advice on how I can figure out if this was something that can be a turning point to a better relationship or just a clear sign she isn’t trustworthy and throw away a lot.


I'd get rid before she stayed long enough to become entitled to my assets.
Imagine after 10 years and a couple of kids, this happens again, she gets half of everything and child support for the next 19 years.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

“The guy lives in Oklahoma now and they were talking about meeting up to have sex where he lives” 

one year marriage and THIS? Damn, you know EXACTLY what you should do. Do it.


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## Lightmare (Aug 27, 2021)

Thanks for the advice, not easy to hear. I found out after pulling messages it had been ongoing for a year and her plans to meet him were a trip she had ran past me to another state. I have decided to leave her


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

If she had confessed to you on her own, there might be a chance.

But she didn't- she got caught in a lie and after trying to pull one over on you she finally came clean when she had no other choice.

This woman cannot ever be trusted. Cut your losses.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

This is painful to hear, but she's looking for something sexual from him that she's not getting from you. That is unlikely to ever change.


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## Jeffsmith35 (Apr 8, 2021)

Lightmare said:


> Thanks for the advice, not easy to hear. I found out after pulling messages it had been ongoing for a year and her plans to meet him were a trip she had ran past me to another state. I have decided to leave her


Sorry you are going through this. But realize you dodged a bullet by finding out this early, vs. wasting more years of your life on her. She is unworthy of you.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Lightmare said:


> Thanks for the advice, not easy to hear. I found out after pulling messages it had been ongoing for a year and her plans to meet him were a trip she had ran past me to another state. I have decided to leave her


Damn man.

Sorry, I know it hurts, but you’ve made the only real decision to be made here.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Lightmare said:


> So I found out at the end of work today my wife of 1 year, relationship of 6 is having an emotional affair with an ex fling from before we met. He randomly texted her a couple weeks ago and she told me about it and deleted it and blocked him.
> 
> But today she accidentally texted me an obvious flirty response and tried to explain it away. After serious lying I was able to find out she had been basically sexting the guy for 4-5 days after deciding to reach out.
> 
> ...


Do a recovery on the phone.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

Lightmare said:


> But today she accidentally texted me an obvious flirty response and tried to explain it away. After serious lying I was able to find out she had been basically sexting the guy for 4-5 days after deciding to reach out.
> 
> The guy lives in Oklahoma now and they were talking about meeting up to have sex where he lives, she claims she never intended to do it and it was more about the fantasy. Which I do believe given where we live she would never actually have been able to pull off an excuse to do it. I have to take her word on this thought since she was deleting the texts. She claims she was starting to realize what she was doing wasn’t fulfilling the need she thought it was, but given that it didn’t stop until I caught her any of that’s is kind of on deaf ears.
> 
> ...


This is not exactly an "EA". Rather, it's only an EA because they have not yet had a chance to execute their plans yet. The intention was there.

You mentioned that she would never actually have been able to pull off an excuse to do it. What if the guy from Oklahoma had traveled to your city and stayed in a hotel about 10 minutes away from where you live. Would it have been possible then for her to go for an "extended grocery shopping trip to the local grocery store" or "having drinks with friends"?

So, your wife reached out to someone she knew from six years ago. It's possible that they did not stay in touch in the mean time, but there's no way to know that. As in, they may have stayed in touch with each other off and on over the period. There's also no way to know how often they texted/sexted because she's been deleting her texts. With her reaching out to her ex-fling and sexting with him I'm not sure what assurances she can give to build trust. ESPECIALLY BECAUSE you found out about this on your own. She did not confess to you about this. You have a valid concern. It's difficult to know how long this would have gone on, had you not found out about this.

All I say is this: In the first year of marriage, the least people could do is to make their relationship stronger and make their partners their top priority. Regarding your last question: I think this could have been a turning point, if she had come to you herself and told you about all this. That would have shown that she's possibly trustworthy.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

mickybill said:


> She also has a BUT in her moral system (I believe in fidelity.. BUT if something exciting comes along, I will make an exception)


And, she may also have thought: "I believe in fidelity as long as it applies to my husband and not to me".


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

Lightmare said:


> Thanks for the advice, not easy to hear. I found out after pulling messages it had been ongoing for a year and her plans to meet him were a trip she had ran past me to another state. I have decided to leave her


At least now you got some clarity. 

Now, I have a couple of suggestions:
1. Make multiple copies of all that you've found. Keep them where she won't be able to get her hands on them. 
2. Hire an attorney and follow his/her advice to the letter regarding your assets. 
3. This might be due to overabundance of caution: but Possibly keep a VAR on your at all times. Also, you may want to consider installing cameras in some parts of your house. You don't want her to file false DV charges. 
4. Doesn't hurt (more than the prick) to get the STD tests done. It's better to be safe. What if she had some ONS with local people?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Lightmare said:


> So I found out at the end of work today my wife of 1 year, relationship of 6 is having an emotional affair with an ex fling from before we met. He randomly texted her a couple weeks ago and she told me about it and deleted it and blocked him.
> 
> But today she accidentally texted me an obvious flirty response and tried to explain it away. After serious lying I was able to find out she had been basically sexting the guy for 4-5 days after deciding to reach out.
> 
> ...


What part of Ok is he in?


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Lightmare said:


> So I found out at the end of work today my wife of 1 year, relationship of 6 is having an emotional affair with an ex fling from before we met. He randomly texted her a couple weeks ago and she told me about it and deleted it and blocked him.
> 
> But today she accidentally texted me an obvious flirty response and tried to explain it away. After serious lying I was able to find out she had been basically sexting the guy for 4-5 days after deciding to reach out.
> 
> ...


With infidelity, fantasies are precursors to reality. Don't under estimate or misread her actions she claimed were fantasy. It may have been, however sex and lust rarely sits in fantasy. It evolves.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Lightmare said:


> Thanks for the advice, not easy to hear. I found out after pulling messages it had been ongoing for a year and her plans to meet him were a trip she had ran past me to another state. I have decided to leave her


Sorry man but that’s your best course of action. Good thing you kept digging. All cheaters lie a lot. A lot.
You’ve saved yourself years of pain and agony and you have not lost anything except what you thought you had.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It’s been going on for a year. Your whole marriage. That’s really rough. Like exceptionally bad. You’ve UNDOUBTEDLY chosen the right path and I admire your character in making a decision based on facts and not caving to your emotions.
Very sorry your wife is such a louse of a person.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Expect poor muffin to ramp up the tears. Boo hoo hoo. It was only you. I only ever wanted you!
She’ll probably try and put you in a ***** coma too. All the sex you could ever want.
And her fingers will be crossed behind her back. 
These BS artist cheaters are a dime a dozen and their script is always the same.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Lightmare said:


> Thanks for the advice, not easy to hear. I found out after pulling messages it had been ongoing for a year and her plans to meet him were a trip she had ran past me to another state. I have decided to leave her


Man, I’m sorry it was worse than you thought. I know it hurts but it’s best to get this skank out of your life. 

Get your ducks in a row ASAP. This includes separating your finances. Talk to a lawyer to get her served immediately. Implement the 180 so you can start to detach. Tell both families that you’re divorcing because she’s been emotionally betraying you for a year and was actively planning a trip to see OM. 


In the interim, start a vigorous workout regimen to boost your confidence and burn off the stress. Also work on your appearance, making sure your clothes, haircut, beard, hygiene, etc are on point. Liking what you see in the mirror will do wonders for your psyche. 

Also, DO NOT HAVE SEX with her. She will use it to weaken your resolve. you do not want to stay with a woman who’s been betraying you the whole length of the marriage.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Lightmare said:


> So I found out at the end of work today my wife of 1 year, relationship of 6 is having an emotional affair with an ex fling from before we met. He randomly texted her a couple weeks ago and she told me about it and deleted it and blocked him.
> 
> But today she accidentally texted me an obvious flirty response and tried to explain it away. After serious lying I was able to find out she had been basically sexting the guy for 4-5 days after deciding to reach out.
> 
> ...


What part of Ok is he in?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Sorry she is t the wife you thought you married.
I’m glad you can be free of someone who has treated you this way.
You deserve better!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Could you get an annulment?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Lawyer NOW!
Begin to separate finances now!
Cancel credit cards.
And don't forget to change life insurance and any wills.
She was heavily involved with this guy before marriage and just continued the affair. Get out now!


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## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

Lightmare said:


> So I found out at the end of work today my wife of 1 year, relationship of 6 is having an emotional affair with an ex fling from before we met. He randomly texted her a couple weeks ago and she told me about it and deleted it and blocked him.
> 
> But today she accidentally texted me an obvious flirty response and tried to explain it away. After serious lying I was able to find out she had been basically sexting the guy for 4-5 days after deciding to reach out.
> 
> ...


Not okay at all. A lie of omission is still a lie. And she fully intended to meet this guy for sex.

Cut your losses and move on. Trust has been broken. It's impossible to repair 100%


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Cheating within a year of getting married is a new low. Run!

Although you don't know it now because of the disappointment and pain. Someday you will look back and realize how lucky you are to find out that she's not a safe life partner.

If the Ex is married, expose to his wife. She deserves to know she's married to a POS.


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## johndoe12299 (Jul 12, 2021)

Be VERY VERY VERY happy this all came out before you guys had kids, and before you wasted more than a year of your life in marriage. As absolutely ****ty as this is, it couldn't happen at a better time for you. Good luck going forward.


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## Ladyrare (Aug 30, 2021)

Infidelity is one of the toughest setbacks for a relationship to overcome, but it can also be the catalyst for positive change. If both you and your wife want to take the necessary steps to heal from this, it can be done, but it's going to be a long road.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

The problem is that he found her affair had been going on the ENTIRE time of their marriage. Doesn't really seem that there is anything to save.


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