# Moral support badly needed !



## frenchmanfl (Apr 9, 2011)

Anyone who is privy to my last thread know what is up. If not please go see the " Unbelievable " thread.

I preface that I have not changed my tactic, but after last night request by my wife that the roommate at place she staying at ( where the OM is ) is having guest next week and that they are going to need the couch and therefore my wife has no place to sleep, has caused a crack in the fort I was building for myself.

I know you guys were expecting as much, but I didn't cave, in other words, as far as she knows I am still not responding to her e-mails because I am otherwise occupied. I know that there are numerous e-mail sitting in my inbox as we speak.

Yes, it is very possible that the EA got physical, but I am unable to find a logical reason as to why she would say " she has no other place to go " other than that she is actually sleeping on the couch. She didn't say I am coming home, she said, while the guest are in town...

Two days of feeling strong and right now I just feel sad but most of all worried that the LC will only serve to push her away when her own fort of strength to resist me at all costs or more appropriately consider me weak for loving her so much and wanting to have my family back.

I could completely see her a mile away if all she was doing was putting on the sweet but this " I have no place else to go thing really casts doubt on how deeply involved she might be with this guy, that maybe diffusing of the clandestine nature of having a little mental affair with a man through text etc has occurred as a result of my pushing her down there full time.

This is not her type of man at all.

So...I am a bit weak right now...because when my head was bouncing around with thoughts of them together I was able to...

Who knows when I read tonight string of e-mails she might just remind me of where things are by being hard, but I don't intend to get to them until later this evening, if not tomorrow morning. I sometimes panic a little when I see emails from her, but then I remember what more harm can she do to me ? But then... 

Now when I ask this I am still not sure of what I want and I know that no matter whether she might be right now that there is absolutely no way that I have any thought that now might be the time to " work on things ". 

So the moral support I need is from those who are way ahead of me on this. I say this with the understanding that if she just sticks to her guns long term that it's over, but can the LC also backfire on you if maybe she did want to talk, especially if the woman in question is very hard headed and rebellious ? Again this is not the time, but do I need to play the game to by from time to time keeping her on the hook if she can be caught. By this I don't mean being returning to a driveling lost puppy but rather from time to time engaging in friendly banter at certain intervals ?

I just don't know what I want either. It sounds like fun thinking about one day having a girlfriend but life wasn't always bad with my wife, we had tons of fun together and when times were good, I couldn't have been more content with my little world. It's very hard to let that go or to let go of my contribution to all of this and how now that I HAVE changed that we could, in time, find that new path that I came down here hoping for.

Tough day...didn't crack with her but did internally. Maybe after I read her e-mails I will realize that nothing has changed but until I do that this is internal. I will get back on my horse but as everyone expected her attempts to keep me on the hook while not expressed as successful to her, have caused doubt.

To the readers whom I know are looking out for my best interest, right now please hold off on the " screw her's etc ". I am still angry that she did this but if my plan to throw her at this guy whom I know was just an EA until I sent her down there has diffused the fun of that and that little more than childish emotions have resulted, then while I won't change my plan to remain steadfast in my plans to move out etc.. it is simply impossible to give up completely on a family that I love and a woman that I have loved for 25 years. 

If she is trying to keep me on the hook, I believe that it is more because she is simply not sure if she is doing the right thing, rather than some malicious attempt to keep me as some fall back position. It may sound naive but as mentioned in past threads, this woman worshiped the ground I walked on for at least 20 of those 25 years...I squandered it, and she has openly said that she will always love me, so no matter what there is no way that she can just walk away without...in addition in all of this she has not said I want this much money or said You can't see your son...

The critical moral support needed right now is to know that my sticking to my guns will not push her even further. I plan on doing just that..sticking to my guns but...

Moral support needed...thank you all..having a difficult day...


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Don't read the emails at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frenchmanfl (Apr 9, 2011)

Hey clip clop...too late, but I can't do that because unfortunately there are practical matters to attend to and we share a son. It was all practical stuff but the tone has gotten much softer, but it was practical stuff. I won't respond until much later this evening. This late approach to responding gives me time to cool down and respond intelligently. I am cooling off...it was a very tough day today...

She asked me if I wanted to stay in the house we have rented she would contribute for next month ?!?! I need out and into a new space, maybe that will help. 

Thanks for the support though!


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

the time between when you read and respond . just try to remember that you need to keep the best interest of yourself and your son in the forefront if you feel like you're being overly emotional walk away .I wish you a lot of luck .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Keep hanging in there! It is a crazy emotional roller coaster ride. Things quickly change from one day to the next.

With responding to your wife’s emails, what helped me was to type the response and then save it as a draft for awhile. Sometimes I would wait to reread my responses hours later and if I still felt comfortable with my reply, I would send it. 

I hope tomorrow is better for you.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Unfortunately I think it’s at these times we lose our naivety:

_Too willing to believe that someone is telling the truth, that people's intentions in general are good, or that life is simple and fair. People are often naive because they are young and/or have not had much experience of life.
_
For some of us it’s like losing our innocence perhaps for the very first time in that we’ve always and seemingly forever believed what our wife tells without even a single, brief hesitation that she may be lying.

We’re so used to believing her that even when we learn she’s been lying to us for years we continue to believe her. And I think that’s because we truly and fundamentally have a very strong need to believe her.

But what if we accept that lies slide so easily off of her tongue? What happens to our world then? Do we then have to accept that for years we’ve been deluded about what we thought was our reality? That what we thought was real was unreal, just a fabrication of lies and deceits? And what does it say about us that the person we love can lie to us so easily? And what does it say about the person who can lie to us so easily? When a person can lie to us without remorse, without a single twinge of their conscience?

I ask you Frenchmanfl “Why do you believe your wife?”. You know she’s lied to you, that’s one fact that you do know. So why do you believe what she says her motivations are? Have you not yet dropped your naivety?

Bob


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Unfortunately I think it’s at these times we lose our naivety:
> 
> _Too willing to believe that someone is telling the truth, that people's intentions in general are good, or that life is simple and fair. People are often naive because they are young and/or have not had much experience of life.
> _
> ...


Where does her roomie think she's staying? I would ask her that question.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frenchmanfl (Apr 9, 2011)

Hey Golfergirl, I am a little perplexed by your question about the roomie wondering where she is. Please understand that I am not questioning your motives, because I believe you are trying to ensure I don't get suckered, so I do thank you.

Having said that, we are new in town and the " roomie " knows this. So my wife would not be able to provide an alternative besides moving back to the house temporarily.

In the end though, the ultimate question is, if she was sleeping with this guy then why would she need to move out at all ? It wouldn't even be necessary. 

No one seems to be able to answer this question for me. No one is able to provide a cypher on what could possibly motivate her to come up with such an elaborate ruse. 

Do I believe she is having fun over there, yes although her step mother is basically fading fast from her battle with cancer and her Father remains in difficult condition after his assault so I know she has spent countless hours taking care of them, which can only happen after work. How ready she is to hop into the sac, I don't know. If anyone has read my previous posts then they will know how far away this guy is from her type. This does not mean that there isn't an EA going on and it's possible that they made have slept together but, while one day I may be proven wrong, if they were a " couple " why bother moving out temporarily ? It simply doesn't make sense. 

Is it not possible that she is confused about our relationship ? That this guy and his roomates ( one of which is a girl ) are not simply a distraction from her troubles with family, marriage. An easy outlet. I know many on this site say " no matter you did in the past...she is the one in the wrong " but I have also heard a few say that it is wrong for the dumpee to act innocent and shocked when they did contribute enormously to the state of things, as they are. Neglect and so so many other things. 

With my understanding that it can take a woman a year or more to pull herself away from the marriage and how often times this is done by finding another man, all of this would make sense. But the one thing my wife has never been is a ****. In fact the opposite. It took me a long time before she would sleep with me. I have spoken to several women who have had long term EA's only.

Does it make things less dangerous, no but if I run with the fact that she hasn't slept with him then the 180, LC and calls to prove to her that I have changed ( which I have...too long to explain ) and that I still want this marriage are what are required here. A lot of work...but I am not going in blind. I do have moments of doubt...I do second guess everything but I am also preparing myself for the worst.

Having said that, there are marriages that recover from these events. People have said on this very site that we don't hear about them. Am I ready to believe that mine will...no, but when marriages break down like this, it's for a good reason and I understand why at this juncture in her life ( middle age ) why she might feel this is her last chance to...whatever. If my wife was in her 20's or even 30's this could be about her just saying " stuff it I want something else " but in her early 40's is it that hard to understand the fear that comes from looking back at the last years in a marriage and worrying about the risk that would come with falling back into it wondering if her last years on earth will be spent in an unhappy marriage ? My wife has even said as much to me; She has said if there was ever any chance that we could move forward together it would have to be on the condition that we could be happy and that I could hold up my end of the bargain, that we would have to be a team.

It is not so hard for me to understand how hard it is for her to take that leap of faith and why she is hesitant.

As everyone has said in these forums, infidelity in whatever form is almost always because of a breakdown in a marriage and I KNOW that this is why we are where we are. I KNOW that my wife loved me deeply and still does. 

The guy in question is not her type at all and therefore it is quite possible that she was just looking for someone to help her muster the strength to do what she has done, which was for us to separate. She has repeatedly told me that she does nothing but thinking about "us", that she is very worried that she could be making a decision she will regret.

I could look at myself as plan B, but believe that it is rather an issue of proving that I am the better plan, chipping slowly away at things, but doing so with one foot out the door, which it is. I too am now hesitant.

It can't be that with all marriages that take this very hard detour that every single wife is a selfish cow whose only motivation is to selfishly abuse with sinister motives. Each one of these relationship issues has it's nuances. I am not going to be suckered. I am getting my own place etc etc. but I am finding my own path in all of this. Pulling the friendship while ensuring see only sees a confident but caring person. Slamming my foot down and being a jerk does nothing but serve to instill more worry about the person inside my body. It's a delicate balance.

I can't simply switch off the love I have for my wife. I have been through the anger phase already and am now in move forward mode.

Until I get some form of reasonable answer, which I may never get, as to what possible benefit she could achieve from not wanting to stay at that apt while the couch is being used, other than she is just crashing there while she thinks and escapes, then I have to go with " yes maybe there is some underlying emotions with this man, because he has been very nice to her ( even if I believe he is scum ) but that because he is so far from her type, she might just find comfort in her temporary surroundings. It can't last because she is going to be moving out one way or another. What happens after that who knows.

I remain very wary but am not ready to ascribe nothing by sinister motives on my wife. I may be proven wrong in time, but until then I would rather stick with a cautiously optimistic outlook.



A whole slew of things have happened since I posted this and I was thinking about posting it all, but


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

frenchmanfl said:


> Hey Golfergirl, I am a little perplexed by your question about the roomie wondering where she is. Please understand that I am not questioning your motives, because I believe you are trying to ensure I don't get suckered, so I do thank you.
> 
> Having said that, we are new in town and the " roomie " knows this. So my wife would not be able to provide an alternative besides moving back to the house temporarily.
> 
> ...


I guess if her roomie knew she was staying with you, it would make me more certain they aren't sharing a bed. Personally I think she wants to keep you an option. Is staying with her parents not a possibility? A hotel? Travel back home and visit friends there? I might be out to lunch but you being only option is something I can't imagine. I would find it quite telling if her roomie knew she was staying with you or if he thought she was staying elsewhere. I read other thread and I think good job. It seems to annoy her that you don't just say how high when she says jump.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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