# Recovered from affair and successful?



## sage.xwifez

Hi

I would like to hear from anyone who has dealt with infidelity in their marriage and, after ten or so years can truly say they have repaired the damage and have a successful relationship.

How did you do it?

Thanks

Sage

xwifez.com


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## jack2010

Sage,
I am right there with you. I just found out my wife has had an affair and I am wondering if there is anyone out there that has been able to have a successful marriage after the affair or did the person cheat again.


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## sage.xwifez

Hi Jack (ha ha)

Interesting isn't it that there have been no positive replies to this thread? I have found 1 (elderly)couple who have gone on to be seemingly happy and faithful after an affair. But that has been passed on to me by their daughter and no one really knows what goes on inside a relationship. Maybe you just get too old to cheat at some point.

Just for the record, my husband and I both cheated on and off over a long marriage. We tried to make it work but in the end the years were running out and I wanted to be old and happy with someone I loved, trusted and who I could be trustworthy with. 

It was an ugly, messy breakup because he wanted to keep trying. Now, two years later we are both in happy, healthy relationships and i know in my heart I would never ever cheat with my new partner. I just couldn't. 

So what I'm saying to you is that while I don't know if marriages can be saved, cheaters, in the right environment, can be.

Take care of yourself


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## HappyHer

I've worked with quite a few couples recovering from affairs. If both parties truly want to recover, they do, and quite successfully when they both stay focused on what they need to do. 

I would say the couples that have come to me have all wanted to recover. A low percentage of them couldn't make it, but it is a low percentage. Some of them had other issues that they couldn't work through, some didn't want to do what it took, and some just didn't have the love to begin with. That's not a bad thing, I guess not everyone is meant to stay together. But for the couples that were committed to recovery, they made it through with flying colors and from the ones that still touch base with me, they continue to stay happy together.

I urge every couple, if there has been an affair, don't give up. If you both want to stay together and recover from the broken trust and hurt, you can. It's not easy, but very well worth it if you both do what you need to do.


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## sage.xwifez

Hi Happy Her

Yes I know what you're saying and we would have been one of those "successful" couples too if you take a view over a few years. We would keep things going well for a two, three or even four years but then all the issues would start creeping back, or new ones that caused new issues.

So keep checking back with the people you work with, I think it's important research.

Sage


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## notreadytoquit

Do you have any examples where only one person is committed to saving the marriage and it still turns out to be a success story. I find in a lot of stories on this forum that many times it is really only one person wanting to work on the marriage and that is one hell of an uphill battle to fight alone.


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## jack2010

Sage,

Thanks for the response. For my side of the story, my wife claims to have had a one night stand while I was on a deployment. I am in the Navy and constantly out to sea and it is very hard to trust that she wont do it again. She began hanging around single and divorced women and going to clubs and bars with them and was drinking. She claims that she had been drinking and some guy came up and picked her up at a bar. What makes it hard is I don't trust that this was the only time she has slept with someone other than me and she claims she was wearing her wedding ring while she was with this man. I called her and wrote her almost every day since it was the best I could do while on deployment and she still went out and did what she did. I confronted her on it years ago and she lied to my face telling me that she has been faithful. She told me 3 years after the incident because the guilt was bothering her and she said she wants to stay married. Part of me wishes that I never found out but another part of me is happy that she is showing remorse for what she has done and wants to put it in the past. A big part of me wants to have an affair to pay her back but I know that it will just make the problem worse. She claims to have used protection but I do not believe her when she tells me this. I am angry that she did this and could have passed a disease on to me and waited 3 years to tell me. I am going t have to get myself checked now for any type of STD. I don't think I have one but some people tell me that they can lay dormant for awhile and just pop up one day. I want the marriage to work out and it seems that she does as well but my trust in her is shattered. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that she didn't tell me this face to face but over an e-mail while I am out to sea again for 2 1/2 months. I am very interested in your thread to see how many people have truly recovered. Talking to them would be a huge help in trying to put this behind me and moving on with either my life as a single man again or as a husband. I would prefer the second option.

Jack2010


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## jack2010

mommy22,

The biggest problem that I have is that my wife claims that she felt like she was single again since I was and still am always deployed in the Navy. The only way to really fix this is to get out of the Navy and try to find a job that offers the same pay and benefits to my family and myself. My wife doesn't work so I can not fall back on her to help with the support until I find a job. I just feel that after 10 years in the Navy I am half way to retirement but how can I trust her to not cheat again when I am gone. I am so frustrated because it isn't my fault that the Navy has sent me on deployment after deployment and I do it only to support my family to give them the life they deserve. I am always wondering when will I get the chance to be happy.

Jack2010


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## HappyHer

Well, I know of a few couples that have passed the four year mark. One with seven years behind them from the affair, another over twenty years past the affair, and still yet another, married 69 years with over 40 past the affair. Those three couples are happier today than ever. It certainly doesn't work out that way for all the couples, as you stated, there are always other issues that also need worked out, and work done by both people in the couple. 

Jack21020, I can pick up on the hurt and lack of trust. She did come to you with this news though and she didn't have to do that. To me that shows that she wants to forge some long lasting resolutions between you. Hang in there and don't get caught up with all the "What if's" - focus on the "What Nows".


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## sage.xwifez

@jack21020

Affairs are always a symptom of other things that are wrong in your relationship or life. Your posts have a lot of underlying pain.
 
Personally I could never cope with a long distance relationship, which is essentially what you have. I even say that every time they show people going off one deployment etc. on TV. No , never say never, but it would be one of the hardest relationship challenges I could imagine. Do they have counselling or help for partners to get through this?

Anyway the really interesting things in your post for me were that you say "it's just ten years till I retire" - well ten years is a long time when you're unhappy. Do you love your job, because if you don't "ten years till retirement" is a terrible reason to stay. The income and benefits is a bit more serious but I'm sure that you could make a plan with your partner that could address this.

And "waiting to be happy" !! What are you waiting for? No one else can make us happy but we all have it within us to make ourselves happy.

I really feel for you. Especially on a ship, I get very sea sick


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## 2Daughters

IMO, if someone is on the site due to infidelity, they have not had a positive outcome, maybe those that have recovered see no reason to come here anymore, maybe it brings back unpleasant memories or they are so involved in their re-commitment they have no time, I definitely feel that long term relationships have a more difficult time recovering rather than short term, but that's just my opinion.


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## sage.xwifez

@not readytoquit

I honestly don't think it matters. People often say they want to try but don't even know what that means (my ex-husband came to counseling with me while he was *still* cheating and continued to make *me* the bad girl). I tried but for all the wrong reasons; basically because I was too scared too leave with a young child and what would have been a hostile ex. The things we do to each other! 

I will be 50 at the end of this year and now have a truly beautiful relationship. If 20 years of experience in a truly challenging marriage is worth anything I would say the only thing you can really do is work on yourself, be the most effective and loving person (to yourself as well as your partner) that you can be and what will be will be.


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## jack2010

Sage,

The military does offer some counseling but it will be about 2 more months until I can get my wife and me to it. Even then there is no guarantee that it will be a good counselor. She is receptive to attending counseling now but I am afraid that when we go and I get some things off of my chest (questions and accusations) that she will shut down and refuse to go back. I want to hear from her as well as to what she needs from me. Too many times do I feel like I am talking to her and being honest but she will not talk to me and open up. She tends to be a very closed person and it takes a lot of effort to get her to tell me what she needs. I feel like I am always walking on egg shells around her and don't know what will set her off. It feels like I am always playing the guessing game with her. She tells me to do things for myself and not to always be thinking of her but when I do that she accuses me of not thinking of her and the children, so I don't know what to do. It has only been 3 weeks since she has told me this news and the pain doesn't seem to be getting any better. The fact of not being able to be face to face with her makes the situation worse.


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## mommy2

Well, we've been married for 14 yrs (15 in September) but it's only been 9 months since his A ended. (it only last weeks/not months) But I can say that thus far, my marriage is happier/better than it's been in many years. Maybe ever. 

So, I guess only time will tell but I truly believe in my heart of hearts that we will be one of those success stories. I know we will have issues to deal with but I think now we have the awareness of what NOT to let it get to. The point of no return where we let our marriage get to before. And I think we have that insight of knowing what we could have lost and that we both don't want that. How, as you mentioned, some people end up divorcing and then find happiness with their new spouse and end up being happier than ever and not going down the path they went in their first marriage. 

Well, we get to do that too, but with the person we married originally, and have a history with and children. We get that happiness and bliss - a second chance.


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## 2Daughters

I always wondered why the cheaters never are on these sites telling everyone their feelings of reuniting, only those who were betrayed seem to be the tellers.


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## sage.xwifez

@2daughters ahmm that's me, cheated, tried to make it work, failed, found new relationship now 'reformed cheater'. But I'm glad you're here for jack giving him the positive spin.

@Jack I really think your wife is reaching out to you. From what you said about her difficulties in communicating this is her giving you her best. If she didn't want to stop cheating and/or she didn't care she wouldn't have told you. The only guarantee you have about it not happening again is the success you have in fixing the problems.

So take this opportunity to really start to grow your love back up to a healthy level. Tell her about your pain but don't blame and let her open up to you. Take her issues very seriously.

It's taken two of you to get your marriage where it is today.

All the best my salty friend.


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## jack2010

All,
Thank you for all the positive advice. It is a big help to be able to talk to people about this and to not keep it all inside and let it eat away at me. I have my good days where I don't think about it too much but then I have my bad days where I am really struggling to not think about it at all. How much detail do you think I should ask for when it goes into the one night stand that she had? I feel I have the right to know if they did anything sexually that she doesn't do with me and I definitely feel that I have the right to know if they used any protection. I am not sure if I would believe her if she told me they did though. Any thoughts?


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## sage.xwifez

Jack, Jack, Jack

Don't do this, women don't have one night stands for the quality of the sex!!! Only ask about the protection thing if you are going to believe her. It sounds as if her issue is you being away. Talk about that and if you can plan a life where you can re-train if necessary. That could mean her studying or getting a job. Both of which will help to keep her mind off the loneliness.

Try and see past your own pain, just enough to draw hers out of her, so at least you can start the work. Email is a very good communication tool for people who find it hard to say what they need to face to face.

I know to men sex is very important but to her it will be nothing.


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## jack2010

Sage,

Thanks for the advice.


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## sage.xwifez

You are very welcome


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