# How do you know if you can make it together?



## JuliaE (Mar 16, 2020)

(This may be Long but bare with me) So, my marriage has been going through a REALLY rough road right now. He says he feels like he has no say in anything, or that we’re not intimate in any way (not just in the bed). And I feel like I’m trying my best, though any time we get into a fight I try to think of ways to solve the problems but he says that everyone’s always against him and says that everyone says that what he feels is wrong (sounds confusing huh?) and when we get into these fights at the end of it a little voice in my head will just say things like “I’m awful for letting him be like this” or that “I’m in the wrong” and it puts me into a depressive episode and that upsets him cause I go quiet and I want to be alone. I’m afraid if we do end of ending it my daughter might get harmed. But I’m not happy at all, but I also want to try to fix it. But I don’t know how. Is there any advice anyone has? Should I just give up? Or is there other ways? I will say this has been going on for over a year now.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

What Drew you to him,? Can you focus on them more? A little more info on the type of arguments you both have to better help.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

JuliaE said:


> (This may be Long but bare with me) So, my marriage has been going through a REALLY rough road right now. He says he feels like he has no say in anything, or that we’re not intimate in any way (not just in the bed). And I feel like I’m trying my best, though any time we get into a fight I try to think of ways to solve the problems but he says that everyone’s always against him and says that everyone says that what he feels is wrong (sounds confusing huh?) and when we get into these fights at the end of it a little voice in my head will just say things like “I’m awful for letting him be like this” or that “I’m in the wrong” and it puts me into a depressive episode and that upsets him cause I go quiet and I want to be alone. I’m afraid if we do end of ending it my daughter might get harmed. But I’m not happy at all, but I also want to try to fix it. But I don’t know how. Is there any advice anyone has? Should I just give up? Or is there other ways? I will say this has been going on for over a year now.


Sounds like communication issues.

Have you thought about marriage counseling?

Perhaps that person can help the two of you learn to communicate better.

One thing that's nice about a counselor - you can say what you want. They will verify what you mean, then translate it so your spouse will understand

food for thought.


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## JuliaE (Mar 16, 2020)

Tilted 1 said:


> What Drew you to him,? Can you focus on them more? A little more info on the type of arguments you both have to better help.


 sorry I was afraid of typing a big paragraph so I shorted it. But I couldn’t pen point what drew me to him. I maybe it was the way he made me laugh? Or the way he used to put so much drive into doing things? We meet in high school so it could have also just been my teenage brain. And I try to focus on things like that but here lately it just seems like he’s just lazy now. Like all I see him do is sit on “his” recliner and play games. He doesn’t sit beside me or cuddle or anything anymore, but he says I’m the one being distant. He says he cleans the living room but it’s just like bare minimum. So when I get home from work I feel like I have so much more things to do and that aggravates him because I can’t “sit down and relax.” And most of the arguments just start out cause of something little then explodes. Like the last one we made spaghetti for dinner, he got his plate and went to the living room to sit down in “his” chair, it rocked and the spaghetti spilled all over him. That resulted in him throwing it all over the floor. I walked into there and told him “I prefer to not have a mess like that in the living room.” (I know it was mean but I was already aggravated by him being over dramatic over spaghetti). Then he said “who cares?! I clean up the living room anyways!” Then he got up in my face and said “and I prefer not to be talked to like a child.” And here lately I can’t bite my tongue anymore so I did say something rude, “I can’t help it when you act like one.” He left for a few hours after that. It’s just little things that become something big, and I’ve tried ignoring and letting him be mad and get over with it but I can only ignore so much before it makes me explode.


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## JuliaE (Mar 16, 2020)

Tilted 1 said:


> What Drew you to him,? Can you focus on them more? A little more info on the type of arguments you both have to better help.


 I would love to try counseling. But there’s 2 problems on that, I would never make enough money for it and I’m afraid that he would be too stubborn to go. That’s why I’ve been trying to look up ways to fix things or find people that could help without me having to spend the money I barely have.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Julie,after reading your post it sounds like he's truly inmature and needs a mommy change would be made by him but I don't see it. He pulling your chain and is addicted to gaming. It doesn't look like your going to motivate him because he's a child in a man's body. 

A more drastic measures may need to be done to grab his attention, if not you have to follow through with the choices you deliver to him.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

So you're REALLY dealing with an ignorant, arrogant, emotionally stunted little man-child who's still addicted to video games and throws spaghetti on the floor in a fit of rage.

In other words, you're dealing with a 13 year old teenage boy. Lucky, lucky you.

And in just about every single sentence of your posts, you're taking the blame for his childish, unacceptable behavior. You're wondering what YOU did wrong and what YOU can say to make it better and what YOU can do to make it better and how YOU have failed in some way, and on and on and on. Ugh. The only thing you've done wrong is put up with this fool for as long as you have.

And how would your daughter be _"harmed"_ if you were to leave this verbally abusive little man child? Sorry, but if anything, a healthier more POSITIVE environment is what she *needs*, not to be growing up in this **** show you've been living in with this fool.

I'm not sure what you mean when you say YOU don't make enough money to go to counseling. PLEASE tell me you're not supporting him on TOP of putting up with all his bull****????


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Do you feel that marriage counseling(MC) would perhaps work?

If you haven't really given due consideration to it yet, then go see an individual counselor(IC).

In any event, and strictly as a rule of thumb, if you go with the marriage counseling route, do not use your IC as your MC!*


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@JuliaE, do you have health care coverage? Sometimes counseling can be covered (at least to a certain extent) by this.
You may want to talk to your companies HR rep to see if they can guide you here. (your husband may have similar type of coverage at HIS work).

VERY sorry you are going through this.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

He doesn't communicate effectively, and this is one thing MC will usually try to fix.

The best answer to "everyone is against me" is, that is a destructive and paranoid attitude. If you can't trust your wife to listen to and reason w/ you, there is no hope. You can try telling him this, but he might be more likely to believe it coming from a neutral 3rd party. You can find books on couples communication, I'd avoid the "5 steps to fix everything" type. I think Deborah Tannen is pretty good.

I generally don't get into the odds of fixing a marriage, I try to focus on what do you have to lose by trying. It sounds like you have some interest in fixing it, and no real downside to trying, so it is up to you.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I have 2 suggestions.
Based on some guesswork.
1) He needs to get a job and stop being a stay at home parent.
2) Whoever the "everyone" is that is against him. Needs to go. 
No more guesswork from me until @JuliaE comes back.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

JuliaE said:


> (This may be Long but bare with me) So, my marriage has been going through a REALLY rough road right now. He says he feels like he has no say in anything, or that we’re not intimate in any way (not just in the bed). And I feel like* I’m trying my best*, though any time we get into a fight I try to think of ways to solve the problems but he says that everyone’s always against him and says that everyone says that what he feels is wrong (sounds confusing huh?) and when we get into these fights at the end of it a little voice in my head will just say things like “I’m awful for letting him be like this” or that “I’m in the wrong” and it puts me into a depressive episode and that upsets him cause I go quiet and I want to be alone. I’m afraid if we do end of ending it my daughter might get harmed. But I’m not happy at all, but I also want to try to fix it. But I don’t know how. Is there any advice anyone has? Should I just give up? Or is there other ways? I will say this has been going on for over a year now.


"“I’m awful for letting him be like this”".....wow. You really think you have that kind of control over anyone??
Do not focus on what he says....but on his actions.
But most of all, there's only one thing you can do....

*Be the best wife you can be. Put his needs ahead of your own. Do all you can to be intimate with him. Initiate sex.* 

In the end you want to look back, one way or the other, and say "I was the best wife I could be" 
There's nothing else you have control over but your actions. It WILL make you happy.
Let him be the leader....That Julia is...
Trying your best.

Get him to read "The Rational Male" he will start acting the man he used to be, the man you fell in love with.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

JuliaE said:


> I would love to try counseling. But there’s 2 problems on that, I would never make enough money for it and I’m afraid that he would be too stubborn to go. That’s why I’ve been trying to look up ways to fix things or find people that could help without me having to spend the money I barely have.


How old are you both?
How long have you been married?
What would it look like if you exactly what you wanted?
What would it look like if you divorced and had to get another man?


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## JuliaE (Mar 16, 2020)

He’s 24, I’m 25. We were waiting for him to get a job when our daughters in school, which will be next school year. We’ve been married for 4 1/2 years. And for the ones who basically say, “give him what he wants” or “have sex it’ll fix it.” I’ve been giving him what he wants, he gets whatever he wants and needs 95% of the time the only reason it’s not 100% is because it would be a time I choose to save money. And I haven’t FELT like having sex, but we did it a like 2 days ago and it hasn’t fix nothing. I’m still depressed as heck and he’s still doing the same thing. Heck he lied to me about spending money a couple of days ago! He called me at work asking if he can buy him a pizza from Pizza Hut cause he didn’t want anything that was in the house. I told him, “you can’t, I gotta save that for the house payment this month” and when I got home I tried to look for it and couldn’t find it. He claimed it disappeared. But guess what was in the dumpster, a pizza box. Something that wasn’t really worth lying about, something that he could have just confessed to and yes, I’ll be mad but I’d be less mad than I am now. Which this just reminded me that I gave him enough time to tell me the truth so I guess I’ll confront him about it today. And for the ones who seem like they’re just saying I’m making it all about me, have you never felt like crap because of someone? Have you never felt like nothing you do is good enough? And yes I think about how my daughter will be harmed cause he’s a good dad, and divorce no mater in what circumstance is hard on a kid. She can’t stand me being away for work, how would she feel about spending a whole week without one of us there? I try to be wife material, I cook, I clean, I work, and when I sit down and ask him to go check up on our daughter he fusses and says he’s been doing that all day. And before you say “maybe you’re just doing too much for him?” I’ve tried slacking off so he CAN do more, I’ve asked him to do more. But nothing gets done, so I figured if he doesn’t step up, I will.


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## Coastalguy (May 15, 2018)

Hi Julia,

If I could offer some perspective as a bloke who owns a recliner and enjoys the odd video game

My wife and I have been together for 18 years this year and have two middle aged kids.

From what you have described in your posts: 

Your husband has not yet reached full maturity.
You blame yourself for 'allowing' the situation to become what it has. How would you describe your self esteem?
Your husband has a victim mentality and suffers his own frustrations reasonable or not.
He appears to have anger management issues. My wife is tolerant, but emptying or throwing my plate/food on the floor would equal a serious reckoning and rightly so. It would prompt her to ask questions about her choice in husband. As it has you
Further to the above point, you don't eat together? Different strokes I know but it seems that he is happy to lie back on his recliner for dinner (hence the dinner spilling) but claims you're being distant.
Importantly, did he apologize for his behavior when he returned after the 'spaghetti incident'?

Others have suggested marriage counseling and so do I. 
It is expensive on a single income however refusal by your husband shows an unwillingness to work on the relationship with greater implications than attending counselling. 

These are my observations based on your posts.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Do not give up. 
You guys just need to learn how to argue better and resolve conflict. It seems like you both are trying to accomplish your own goals and nothing gets accomplished and it gets frustrating. 
He needs a more supportive approach. More love, more listening. You guys are speaking different languages to each other.

You both need to talk about how you need to work in resolving conflict. So make a plan to reach some advice or books in how to do this. Or maybe seen a therapist for this specific issue. 

This is one issue not worth divorcing over. But it does need to be fixed.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Sex doesn't fix everything (despite what Steve Harvey claims). What woman would want to have sex with a spaghetti-throwing child? Those type of tantrums make a woman's lip curl.

OP, if your husband has access to a credit card - take it away. His desire for pizza doesn't trump a roof over your heads. Get him off the checking account. He's proven he's irresponsible.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

JuliaE said:


> He’s 24, I’m 25. We were waiting for him to get a job when our daughters in school, which will be next school year.


Come on. this guy is friggen 24 years old. NOW is not the time for him to be sitting on his ass at home playing video games and doing the absolute minimum when it comes to the house and his kid.

No wonder he's acting like a teenager. He's staying home and doing almost NOTHING while his wife supports him.



> I’ve been giving him what he wants, he gets whatever he wants and needs 95% of the time the only reason it’s not 100% is because it would be a time I choose to save money.


OP, you're not his wife. You're his mommy.



> And I haven’t FELT like having sex, but we did it a like 2 days ago and it hasn’t fix nothing. I’m still depressed as heck and he’s still doing the same thing.


I wouldn't want sex with someone like this guy either. He's a lazy child. Besides, having sex doesn't 'fix' a damned thing. It's just a temporary diversion at best.



> Heck he lied to me about spending money a couple of days ago! He called me at work asking if he can buy him a pizza from Pizza Hut cause he didn’t want anything that was in the house. I told him, “you can’t, I gotta save that for the house payment this month” and when I got home I tried to look for it and couldn’t find it. He claimed it disappeared. But guess what was in the dumpster, a pizza box. Something that wasn’t really worth lying about, something that he could have just confessed to and yes, I’ll be mad but I’d be less mad than I am now. Which this just reminded me that I gave him enough time to tell me the truth so I guess I’ll confront him about it today.


It's like you're the mommy raising a 13 year old teenage boy. What the hell does he REALLY contribute to your life? Precious little, from what I can see.

Is this REALLY what you signed up for?



> And yes I think about how my daughter will be harmed cause he’s a good dad, and divorce no mater in what circumstance is hard on a kid. She can’t stand me being away for work, how would she feel about spending a whole week without one of us there? I try to be wife material, I cook, I clean, I work


Like most people too paralyzed by fear to move on to a better life, you're just using your kid as an excuse not to leave because it's just so noble to be a martyr.

But if YOU'RE the one who cooks and cleans AND brings home the paycheck, then exactly _*what*_ is Mr. Wonderful's job - besides letting his wife support him and cook for him and clean for him? So he supervises his kid while you're at work. Big deal. He's a minimal daycare provider for his own kid in between video games. Be still my beating heart.

I'll just say good luck to you. This guy just brings *NOTHING* to the table.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> Do not give up.


Yes, don't give up because he's SO worth the wait.

Maybe one day he'll decide to be a BIG boy and grow up - when he's 35.

Ugh.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Honestly, if he wants a pizza he needs to make the money to buy it. If he was doing something, even 2 half shifts a week he would feel better about himself. As a stay at home parent with no financial contribution he needs to pick up more home duties. He needs to get into the habit of responsibility. I can almost guarantee that he will not hold down a steady part time job whin Precious goes off to kindergarten this fall. That habit won't come out of nowhere. The first step is earning his own pizza money. Just like I did when I was 14.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> Do not give up.
> You guys just need to learn how to argue better and resolve conflict. It seems like you both are trying to accomplish your own goals and nothing gets accomplished and it gets frustrating.
> He needs a more supportive approach. More love, more listening. You guys are speaking different languages to each other.
> 
> ...



I couldn't disagree with this more.

This man does not need a "more supportive approach" with more "love and listening". This advice is as if you are giving coaching lessons to the OP in enabling horrible, unhealthy, immature behaviors. 

No, no, and no.

This guy sounds like an *******. No one can make him stop being an ******* but himself. I wonder if there is anything that will make him decide to change his reactions and behaviors. If there isn't, this will be a very unhappy and unhealthy relationship.


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

If he wants to act like a child, you treat him like one.

If this doesn’t work, cut him off from cash if he just wants to do bare minimum all day. 

Make him be an adult, or leave and find someone better.

Do you think your daughter deserves to be treated like you? She will be if you don’t show her better. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## trayc (Apr 4, 2020)

JuliaE said:


> I would love to try counseling. But there’s 2 problems on that, I would never make enough money for it and I’m afraid that he would be too stubborn to go. That’s why I’ve been trying to look up ways to fix things or find people that could help without me having to spend the money I barely have.


Just so you know, The House Next Door does counseling based on income if there is one in your area


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

trayc said:


> *Just so you know, The House Next Door does counseling based on income if there is one in your area*


The OP didn't like the answers she got so she didn't come back. Needing counseling is the *least *of her problems. She needs a divorce attorney.


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## jimmyrich (Apr 10, 2020)

I


JuliaE said:


> I’m afraid if we do end of ending it my daughter might get harmed.


Speaking as the child from a bad marriage, your child is already being HARMED! All of the negative, unfriendly, mean actions of the parents have a DEVASTATING impact upon your children but the child can't show that to you 'cos they are still too little and innocent and don't have the words yet. Fighting parents deeply injure their defenseless children even if the fighting parents cannot or will not SEE THAT! 
I had a much happier and safer life AFTER my dad left us to go away & do whatever made him happy. There is nothing quite so damaging to any child as two unhappy parents! That's been my childhood experience!


> But I’m not happy at all, but I also want to try to fix it. But I don’t know how. Is there any advice anyone has? Should I just give up? Or is there other ways? I will say this has been going on for over a year now.


I'd say do whatever is best for your dependent child. Once you begin seeing this from your defenseless child's perspective, it will be glaringly obvious what need to be done and then you will LEARN HOW to deal with things.


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