# How long a man can go without sex? and Q about HPV



## anon2010 (Jan 29, 2010)

Our marriage is basically sexless but my husband claims he never had sex with other women and never cheated on me although he has done some things to raise suspicion.

1. Shortly after we got married I found his profile w/pics on a dating site. He explained that the profile was for his friend although everything was in his name including the pics. He had his friend call me up and say so. That year was pretty miserable for me, catching him visit different dating/personal sites and MySpace and looking at porn. He took down everything and closed accounts eventually. He also said that he was doing these for Internet search marketing, practicing his ad writing to see what women would respond to better.

2. In 2008 he left his MySpace chat open and I discovered a few messages from a girl. She was hurt that he wasn't interested in her and wanted to know if he was after sex/hook-up with her roommates. I had no clue about all this so I confronted him and said it was over for us. Then we were not having sex, so I told him I completely understood his needs and that it was better for us to move on rather than wasting our lives. Again he denied it, said the girl was into him not vice versa and had her call me. I was so mad and had my cell turned off so she left a VM saying that there was nothing between them. His another defense was -Did you see my replies to her? -None. Because I wasn't interested and I did not write her back. So we stayed together... however

3. Right before this incident, my pap test came back positive and I was diagnosed with cervical dysplasia caused by HPV. I immediately suspected him cheating on me b/c by that time we'd been together almost 6yrs and I was a virgin when we met. Stupid me... never had pap done before so not sure how long I've had it. He swore he never cheated on me and that he always had steady girlfriends, not random sex partners before and was surprised and genuinely concerned about my health.

4. Then right before the NY's I found a few random calls on the cell going out to escort service/hookers. He canceled his plan and been using my phone since May. I forget what prompted me to check the numbers but smth happened that night. So I spent the next day googling all the numbers he called and calling the ones that didn't turn up any results. When I confronted him, he swore he didn't call the numbers, must've been some ppl he knew on the street that would occasionally ask to use the phone (he talks to a lot of folks on the street and help them out, so it's believable.) Lo and behold... the hooker number was saved on his old phone as some guy he knew and talked with. He was so upset and said there was no way he was losing his wise over this **** and confronted the guy, got into a fight... that's what he told me. He wanted to change and work on our marriage so that things could be better. That was the new year's resolution until...

5. a new discovery about a week ago. He left one of his email account open and I almost closed it before a subject line caught my eyes. This account is rarely used and is full of spam emails, tons of them. The email was from a girl who posted sex ad on Craigslist to which he responded. She acknowledged it's been a long time for her to respond, but there was no date stamp on his original email. Turns out he responded to these ads about 6-7 times over the course of 2009. Some were never opened and none seemed like it was a follow-up. But again he used his real name, location, and wanted a discreet sex affair with no strings attached and etc. Some were pretty graphic. I was so shattered and hurt by this - printed them out, wrote a long letter to him - I wanted nothing to with him. I wanted a divorce, but again he managed to talk me out of it. I realized how much I love him and I know he loves me too... but my mind cannot comprehend why he would do this to me. His explanation was again... the Internet marketing. He never followed up and hooked up with these girls, they often include links for you to sign up with a credit card - did I see any charges like that? did I see any emails scheduling dates & times etc. It's hard to believe but also can be quite believable, you know... b/c a part of me wants to believe him. He swore he never cheated on me, would never stoop so low as to pay for hookers and etc.

Let's be honest, it's been almost 3 yrs since we had sex, I said. I understand men's needs from what I read and see in pop culture. They always say men can't go long without sex but why should you be the exception? I asked. Honestly I've never seen him masturbate, ever. He said he doesn't masturbate. When we first started having sex there was a brief period where I wanted to have sex more frequently, but he used to tell me that it's not good to have sex that often esp when we know we will get married. The logic was very odd and it's not for religious or spiritual reason either. Then we started having problems... I would hurt when having sex and was scared of being hurt so started avoiding sex, then was plagued with yeast infection and etc. So eventually we just stopped having sex altogether. But I know his libido is healthy.

I can't comprehend how he can go this long without any sex? Is he telling the truth? Is it possible? If he didn't cheat on me, is it remotely possible that he's been carrying HPV in his body all these years from his previous girlfriends? I'm so lost I don't know what to think.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Your husband is a serial cheater. And cheaters lie.

It may be he deals with inability by seeking out and teasing other women.

No matter, because you don't have a healthy marriage, no matter what the reason.

Most likely, though, he's seeking it elsewhere.

I think it's time to tell him that you're not happy. That, if things don't get fixed, you don't know where this marriage will go.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

For me, the last time was when my 4 yr old was conceived. She turned 4 in august. Talk about a crappy situation. No, I haven't cheated. I can't say I'm happy about the situation...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anon2010 (Jan 29, 2010)

Well I think I finally put an end to this misery. This has been eating me alive from inside. I don't like to tell my relationship problems to anybody including family and friends, so my only outlet was this forum. I felt so alone. Then a couple days ago I opened up a bit to my sister and a friend who are not in this country. I wish I had my family here so I could seek their comfort. 

My husband and I had several talks and I told him that I wanted both of us to be happy and if this marriage is not working then there is no point in trying to fix it. He kept assuring me that he wanted this work and things will get better. He even cried... said that I was the best thing happened to him and he wouldn't know what do without me. I tried to be a better wife for him, so I've been trying to change myself for the better... but I couldn't shake my doubts. Then things just seem to fall into my lap. I discovered that he has a secret email he didn't disclose to me and tried one of his passwords I had seen before and it worked. 

Today at work I logged into that email and discovered a chat with a woman on Feb 2nd. Seems they've been having sexual relationship for a while as I see her name and phone # saved on his old cell. He hasn't used that cell since May last year. I found several calls to her on phone records in recent months as well. According to the chat he would come see her today. The irony is he called me right before and after this discovery at work and sounded well and was honest with me about other things... it seemed things were getting better for us. But I couldn't help my mouth shut so told him I had smth he should see and that it was over for us. 

He was worried and came running to my work right after the last call. I showed him the printout of the chat and he was speechless. There was nothing for us to say. He already knew my position and determination from our last talk Saturday, so all he said was... I'm taking my stuff right now and he went home. I got off work early, got home not soon after that and see he took his clothes and some stuff out. I didn't want to cry and sulk so started cleaning house and made a pile of his small possessions. He came back in and as he was taking stuff out I asked how long has this been going on? I just want to know that. (I've called the woman's number but she turned her cell off, not sure is she found out yet.) He said ... I'm sorry, so sorry about this.. but he would not look into my eyes. Said we'll talk about this later. I was calm and not emotional up to that point, but lost it after he was out. I cried... then decided not to waste tears over this situation. 

It all seems like a dream to me now. The best part is I don't feel any resentment towards him and the other woman. I still love him and always thought he was a good guy despite his many flaws. If he wants to, I have not problem staying friends with him. But last Sat when I brought up separating... he said if we do that, I won't be able to see him again. But he may change his mind. One of the reasons for this line of thought is that I know he has no one but me in this city. His family is miles away and he hasn't seen them for a long time. And I don't have any family in this country, so we both realized we've only got each other. If he needs me in the future, I will always be there for him.

I feel like calling up the other woman and asking her about the duration of the sexual relationship. Is it a good or bad idea? Should I just forget about it? Will knowing that do me any good?


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## anon2010 (Jan 29, 2010)

no1.daddy2kids said:


> For me, the last time was when my 4 yr old was conceived. She turned 4 in august. Talk about a crappy situation. No, I haven't cheated. I can't say I'm happy about the situation...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


sorry about your situation and hope things will get better for you.


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## mirmex (Jan 15, 2010)

anon2010 said:


> I feel like calling up the other woman and asking her about the duration of the sexual relationship. Is it a good or bad idea? Should I just forget about it? Will knowing that do me any good?


I wouldn't do that. It can only hurt you. Now that you took the decisive step, it's time to keep on moving, looking in front and not behind you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm so sorry. But you are doing the right thing. There is a slim chance he will be on his own and realize what he lost, and change. 

But he never would have done that as things were. 

Things will get better for you.

There are SO many men out there looking for a woman to treat them well, and who they can treat well. You'll find the one.


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## anon2010 (Jan 29, 2010)

thank you for the kind words turnera. I decided not to keep things bottled inside and started talking to my sister and one close friend. I asked my sister to keep it secret from the rest of the family until things are final. Of course I didn't tell them every single detail, but let them know that there was nothing that would make me change mind again. I was encouraging myself not to waste time crying and feeling sorry, so kept myself busy cleaning up and doing things around the house. It felt really good to hear supportive words from my sister and friend. My sister advised me to make drastic changes in my life, travel, and enjoy life. 

I decided not to bother with the other woman. I was only starting to have doubts about my decision and feeling sorry for him. I wondered how long it would take him to call me or come and talk to me. Almost felt like making the first move myself... to see what he has to say. My sister advised against it... said if this relationship is precious to him and if he doesn't want to lose me, he should be the one to contact first. Of course, she's right. I felt so much better after talking to her that I woke up a different person this morning  

Then he called me. Asked if I had seen his email. Turns out he emailed early morning and said he REALLY wants to talk about us and about what happened. As we talked on the phone, he had the nerve to tell me there was nothing between him and the other woman! He denied having sex EVER with the woman when it was so obvious from that chat they had a sexual relationship going on. Says he didn't go to her place on Thursday as if I'm supposed to be grateful that he called it off that night. Of course he didn't go because I had just broken up with him. He was probably miserable that night as he got caught. IF there was nothing, no sex ever with that woman, why didn't he deny it when I showed him the chat, right? He says the other woman will confirm that there's nothing between them, no sex ever if I call and ask her. Yeah right... I'm sure he asked her to say so.

Anyway he was trying to tell me... he only chatted because she sent her a message bla bla. And he bawled his eyes out saying how he needs me and he needs help. I said your tears don't move me anymore.. yes you need help with your lying and etc. But he still can't admit he lies!! To think that he was the one who wanted to work on this marriage yet after being given another chance he would turn around, open a new email, chat with her, and tell her to use that email from now on. And to deny it all as if nothing happened. What nerve! I asked him what more do I need to show him to prove his deceitful behavior. Am I supposed to catch him in bed with another woman so that he's got nothing left to deny? It only made me angry and convinced that I made the right decision. If he said sorry I made a mistake please take me back I won't do it anymore... then I might have considered it or softened a bit you know? But telling me nothing happened when the evidence shows otherwise is so beyond belief. I don't want to end up hating him for that. 

And he kept saying how I knew things were not rosy because we haven't had sex for a long time. This whole time I've been asking him why he doesn't initiate sex anymore, if he's getting it elsewhere.. he always said he was fine and he wouldn't not seek it from other women. I guess he will keep trying to get me back but unfortunately the trust is broken beyond hope.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You know what you need to do. Continue on your path. IMO, ONLY if you become independent will he respect you. You have the control now. Don't give it up until he treats you the way you need.


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## anon2010 (Jan 29, 2010)

He sent me a long email proclaiming his love, how I'm the love of his life and he will never love another and such. But still he wasn't confessing about the affair. I emailed him back in a very firm tone saying it was all over, laid out everything, all the transgressions and mistakes he committed and all the warnings issued before. He comes to see me at work again and after much denial finally admits to a blow job. Says it was ONLY that nothing more. Of course I don't believe it. Says he will do anything to get me back even if it takes calling me 5-6 times an hour to get my attention. I asked him to stop seeing me at work otherwise I will file a restraining order against him if need be. hehe we both laughed at that b/c it's a silly notion. I hope it won't get to that level. I know how persistent he can be so I guess I just need to stand my ground firmly.

I only wish he was honest with me, then I would at least consider giving him another chance and start over. Unfortunately he's still lying about certain things, no matter how harmless they are. I already know the facts but he would not fess up. So sad. 

My girlfriend thinks maybe he loves and more importantly NEEDS me in his life, but if I stay with him, he will always be seeking other women on the side. There's no doubt he's a good person, but he's a cheater. Once a cheater always a cheater, isn't it? It makes me shudder... I can't imagine living with someone like that. But then I have already lived with him under these circumstances and experienced first hand what hell of a life it is, so I can't forgive him at all. Although I'm positive I'm making the right decision, I also have a little doubt inside.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I am really proud of you for protecting yourself.


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## MrsInPain (Feb 5, 2010)

You are a strong woman - keep it that way. I wish you the best of luck and I am sorry he hurt you. I wish I could have been as strong as you when I found out my H was cheating and a pathological liar too. Then again, I'm trying to finish college and in a vulnerable position right now, so maybe when my life is more stable, I will kick him to the curb when I find out about the next affair. 

Anyway, enough about me! I really hope the best for you. I'd say continue to seek support online, especially because your family is not near. You will need to stay strong. I admire you!


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## anon2010 (Jan 29, 2010)

Thank you guys for being kind and supportive. 

MrsInPain, I read your posts. Our husbands do share one common trait which is lying. It's ironic that I used to think I'm pretty good at detecting lies but ended up marrying a liar. It hurts me to call him a liar b/c I love him and I don't want to give a bad impression of him to other people. I'm even thinking he may not be that bad at all b/c the things he lied about are not really serious. I used to rationalize the reasons he may have lied, but I know it's hard to live with someone whom you can't trust completely. 

I do not depend on him financially, so it's a lot easier to kick him to the curb. He didn't contribute much financially and I thought I could make it work, but in retrospect I see where we went wrong both financially and sexually. He used to be so affectionate and gave me compliments all the time. But certain disappointments about my husband diminished my sexual attraction to him. Aside from a few minor issues I mentioned in my original post that got in the way of having sex, I was enjoying sex less and less. He sensed it too and asked me if I didn't like having sex with him anymore. I could not admit it for the fear of making his feelings hurt. Although he was looking pretty hot to other women out there he wasn't getting as much affection as he desired at home. I was never nasty or *****y towards him - it's not in me -but I could've said I loved him more often and I could've initiated sex instead of asking him why he didn't. The more I think about it, the more I'm starting to feel guilty. My gf says 'don't you blame yourself!!' Although sex was not the only thing that went wrong in this marriage, I can't help but think 'what if?' 

Now I'm wondering why he hasn't called or come to see me since Monday. Is it a sign that he doesn't care? Was I too harsh when I warned him not to come see me at work and clear his stuff by the end of this week? I wonder if he misses me. I wish I could see what he's doing and thinking right now.


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## MrsInPain (Feb 5, 2010)

anon2010 said:


> Thank you guys for being kind and supportive.
> 
> MrsInPain, I read your posts. Our husbands do share one common trait which is lying. It's ironic that I used to think I'm pretty good at detecting lies but ended up marrying a liar. It hurts me to call him a liar b/c I love him and I don't want to give a bad impression of him to other people. I'm even thinking he may not be that bad at all b/c the things he lied about are not really serious. I used to rationalize the reasons he may have lied, but I know it's hard to live with someone whom you can't trust completely.
> 
> ...


It's those exact thoughts that always got me to go back after leaving. I've left a few times but never more than a week. Usually in just one day I'm heading back because I miss him and rationalize his lies. It's such a tough situation when you love someone that you know you shouldn't. Either way, I commend you for being strong. Whatever you decide to do, remember to make the healthy choice. The choice that will bring you less stress and sadness in the long run. I hope everything works out for you!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

anon2010 said:


> Now I'm wondering why he hasn't called or come to see me since Monday. Is it a sign that he doesn't care? Was I too harsh when I warned him not to come see me at work and clear his stuff by the end of this week? I wonder if he misses me. I wish I could see what he's doing and thinking right now.


 I will remind you that you are stuck in an enabler/victim status, wherein you SAY you want him gone, but in reality you're waiting for him to turn into your knight in shining armour. So you SAY go away, and instantly think "is he coming? is he coming? is he coming?"

The problem with that is that, he's waiting you out, because he fully expects you to come crying back to him and beg him to forgive you for daring to kick him out. It's probably what you've done before, at least in little ways. That's part of the manipulation cycle, how he keeps you in control. 

Come on, you're smarter than that. IF you ever took him back, we're talking months, not weeks or days. 

And I have to say, you TOLD him not to call you. So...you're sitting here upset that he's not calling. 

I'd ask you to think about the fact that this, in itself, is a bit manipulative itself. So you may want to think about how much of your problem was of YOUR doing. People like you and me, we feel like we have no control, so we manipulate, too, in our own little ways. I remember in my first few years of marriage, if I didn't get affection I needed, I'd try crying. Not proud of it, but I was a youngling and didn't know any better. Bottom line, we ALL can always learn, right?

That said, that _doesn't_ mean he's not an a$$. You most definitely need to stay away. If he wants you enough, he'll look at himself and go through a life change. But it'll never happen if you don't stand up for yourself and be prepared to walk away.

You're doing great!


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## anon2010 (Jan 29, 2010)

I think you're right turnera. I didn't think I was manipulating him in any way, all I wanted was for him to call me again. Wanted to see if he's truly remorseful and was willing to put up the fight as he said. I was thinking -No I didn't ask him to call me, I asked him not to come to my workplace. So there is a difference, he could've called me or emailed me back. But I was wrong there. I just read my email again... I DID ask him not to talk to me again b/c it's useless as he's not disclosing the whole truth. 

He just called a minute ago and said he's coming home tonight. I asked why? to pick up your stuff? He said -Yes. My heart sank  but didn't show it. We'll see how it goes tonight.

P.S.: I never kicked him out before. We came close to it once before but we talked the same night and reconciled without him actually leaving. But I got really upset on my birthday a couple of months ago as he didn't do anything for me. He wished me a happy birthday in the morning, but I ended up waiting for him to come home till 9pm. We usually give each other presents, but he said he didn't have any money. Not even a card. The flood gates opened as I cried and I brought up every single thing that was going wrong in our marriage. After that I didn't see him for a few days, he came back and said he's been thinking really hard about us these few days and realized this marriage is the most important thing in his life. He will work hard to make things better for us. He said he even thought about having a kid together soon. We normally talk about having a kid but time is never right. So I thought he was making effort, but unfortunately I discovered the phone calls, emails, and now the chat a month later. 

I know I'm doing the right thing, but can't help feeling sad :-(


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're doing the right thing. He may end up being your partner, but for now, you have to show your strength. It's so common for men to take women for granted, because women are raised to just accept things and 'suffer.' If you EVER want a meaningful relationship with him, it would have to come after a period of strength on your part, showing him that you CAN live without him, and you WILL, if you don't get the respect you deserve. Please don't back down, just to keep him home. You're running out of chances.


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## tony (Feb 12, 2010)

I agree to turnera..we should stand up for ourselves cos if our H thinks that we're just easy they will keep on doing the things they want and they dont care our feelings anymore.


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## anon2010 (Jan 29, 2010)

ok I'm wide awake now so I might as well type it out before I forget 

He came to talk, not to pick up the rest of his belongings. They're still sitting on the floor in a pile. He left though. Initially I was a bit mad and emotional but towards the end we were talking like good friends. That's how our arguments always end, he never lets me to stay mad for long and we always end up reconciling. The gist of the conversation was basically him saying sorry, he will make up for this and he will do anything to save this marriage and me expressing my anger, hurt, and inability to believe in his words. I'm really tired of repeating.. noooo you cheated on me, nooo it's hard for me to forgive and etc. It's getting really old.

He insists there's nothing between him and the woman and that he's not attracted to her, his 'thing' didn't work that one time so they didn't do it at all. Hmmm I didn't feel he lied there... but maybe he experienced it during one of many rendezvous, you know? I just can't believe there was only one blow job incident between them. Almost feel like emailing the other woman to find out. He still brushes off his chat (asking her for a quickie) as nothing but talk. I had seen her picture on her gmail profile, she's not unattractive, but I wouldn't have imagined her to be my H's type. Let's just say she's polar opposite of who I am. Maybe I don't know my H well enough or he's not someone I thought I knew. Admittedly they met through a mutual friend last summer. Makes sense, I saw phone calls to her in Sep, Nov, and Dec. But he denies calling her, says it must've been the MF borrowing the cell to call her or my H. calling her to know the whereabouts of the MF. I said I will only believe if I talk to the MF in person, he says sure. But of course I don't know this friend.

Totally denies calling escort numbers, must've been street folks and pimps who knew him and talked to him on the street and borrowed the cell. Well his credit card statements are clean and I don't think he has extra cash laying around to pay for escort services. He swears its' not him, but I find it hard to believe. How many times other ppl are going to borrow the cell conveniently to call these numbers? I asked if he'd take a polygraph test. He says yes he will do anything to clear his name.

I let him know that I finally shared my pain with my sister and a girlfriend and that I told them he cheated on me. He's embarrassed, asks why did I have to tell them our problems and if my parents knew about it already. I told him how hard it was to live through this and I can't do it anymore. If we ever work this out, I will have to know all his passwords and accounts. He says fine, no problem. Says he's been looking for a counselor so we could go see one. Apparently he will take care of the cost of counseling. It's all too good to be true. Not sure if he's actively working on making it up to me or just saying what I want to hear.

Anyway I had planned a week-long trip to go visit my gf in another city and already purchased my ticket. He doesn't believe it hehe. I just need to get away and clear my head.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Definitely contact the OW, although if they're still an item, she'll lie to you. But it won't hurt to point out to her that he's asking you to take him back.

Before you do ANYTHING, schedule a polygraph for him. If he doesn't go to it, then you'll have your true answer.


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## anon2010 (Jan 29, 2010)

Yes at this point I'm thinking emailing the OW is not a bad idea. For some reason I never felt any anger, resentment, or jealousy towards her at all from the beginning. Knowing my H. there's a chance she didn't know H. was a married man. I'm sure she knows by now that he was caught, is probably warned as he told me the other day that she will tell me nothing happened if I call her. I can approach her in a friendly manner, I only hope she will be truthful and tell me everything. At this point, I've got nothing to lose. If H's story is confirmed, OK great. If not, it's great too for I will know for sure my H. is a liar and a cheater and there will be no turning point.

My mind is so at peace right now that I'm not questioning my decision anymore, not having any doubts, not agonizing over the affair, and best of all I'm not worrying about my H. being on his own. You guys are right. He needs to show me that he can change and is willing to work on this marriage as an equal partner. If we ever go to counseling, I will make a list of things he needs to work on to show his commitment. Until then I just want to enjoy my peace and solitude 

Aside this forum, so far I've talked to my sister and three GFs. But none lives here with me. My friends in this city will be the last ones to know of H's infidelity and the outcome of this marriage. At this point I see no gain in disclosing these problems to my friends here. Too embarrassing. The GF I'm visiting next week is my best friend and she knows my H. too. She's older but is single and she was the first one to demand I get a divorce and never look back. She firmly believes that a cheater will always cheat no matter what. I will probably return from my trip a determined woman to file for a divorce lol. We'll see.


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## anon2010 (Jan 29, 2010)

turnera said:


> Definitely contact the OW, although if they're still an item, she'll lie to you. But it won't hurt to point out to her that he's asking you to take him back.
> 
> Before you do ANYTHING, schedule a polygraph for him. If he doesn't go to it, then you'll have your true answer.


Yes, I will email her today if not, tomorrow.

How do I go about scheduling a polygraph? Do I need to go to a police station?

-Oh never mind. I googled it


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I am wondering why you find it embarrassing (for you) that someone would know if your _husband_ cheated. Now, if YOU cheated, you'd have reason to be embarrassed, because YOU did something shameworthy. 

Do you think that your friends would somehow blame you? If so, they are not real friends.

Give them a chance to be a friend. Think about what YOU would do if you found out one of them got cheated on. Would you not go immediately to them and want to comfort and help them? Why would your friends be any different?


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## anon2010 (Jan 29, 2010)

Well it's embarrassing to me because I married a liar and a cheater. He came today and gave me a card, said sorry, and sounded all genuine. But I still wasn't buying his story and my gut told me he still wasn't coming clean. I emailed the OW yesterday and was waiting for her to reply all day. Asked my H. why he didn't make her call me and say there was nothing if that was the case and he said he couldn't reach her, she's not answering her phone. I thought maybe she won't email me back either. 

Just now we were talking and he was sticking to the same old story, so I decided to check my email and there it was... a reply from the OW. My instincts were right. Here's what she wrote:

"well. first and foremost I would like to let you know that I was completely unaware of the situation. I met H. in sept of last year. I was checkin him out on the street and he caught me and came and asked for my number. I gave it to him after some argument. We really haven't seen each other that many times. But had I known it wouldn't have happened at all. This has been goin on since sept. and the way he made it sound he's all about the casual relationship. I am just recently out of a relationship. and never intended to get anyone else hurt. I honestly didn't know and would not have done this to you on purpose. Took me a min to process as I was lied to as well. I feel so bad for your situation. I wish there were more I could do or say."

When I showed to my H. he still denied it. Said it was a lie and stormed out. What a joke. Happy ****ing V-day to me! And here I was starting to blame myself for not understanding him... I was starting to question whether I was being too hard on him and maybe just maybe he's telling the truth. I'm so pissed that I can't even cry.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Many people are never taught by their parents how to own up to their mistakes. So when they are confronted, they go into fight or flight mode, instead of just accepting and apologizing, like they should.

A new season of Tool Academy started last night. I think it's on VH1. I highly recommend you watch it. Very enlightening.


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## anon2010 (Jan 29, 2010)

LuvMyH said:


> I'm sure that if her story differs from your husband's, he'll still deny it.


You were right on the money! He denied it, said the OW was lying and left without discussing it further. For the life of me, I can't comprehend why he can't admit to it. Now that he's been lying to me all along... am I supposed to doubt his love for me as well? So frustrating. :scratchhead:



Turnera said:


> Many people are never taught by their parents how to own up to their mistakes. So when they are confronted, they go into fight or flight mode, instead of just accepting and apologizing, like they should.


Speaking of parents, I almost feel like writing to his mother. I know for a fact that he lied to her about smth in 2007. It was discovered recently during the CL sex ads fiasco and I was more upset about it than him lying to me. I told him it was unacceptable that he would lie to his own mother and he needs to get HELP asap. He said he had already come clean to his mother about it, she knows it and won't like it if I call her about it as I would be meddling in their family affairs and that he lied for a certain reason. I wanted to believe him and left it alone, but now I'm certain he was lying to me about coming clean to his mother as well. Trust me, if anything, I know why he lied... and it wasn't for any other reason but his insecurity.

I thought about either calling or emailing his mother, but didn't want to stress her out. I'm afraid it will be an ugly reality to her that the son is a liar. But on the other hand, I think she should know about it as it concerns her son's well being if I cut my ties with him completely. She needs to know where his son's at and what he's doing and he can't possibly be lying to her, you know? Should I tell her or should I just keep it to myself?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> He said he had already come clean to his mother about it, she knows it and won't like it if I call her about it as I would be meddling in their family affairs and that he lied for a certain reason.


Oh, gag me. 

WhenEVER someone tells you not to call someone, you can BET that is exactly what you need to do. *She* wouldn't like it? Yeah, right.

I don't believe in keeping secrets for people. Especially when they outright lie. Go ahead and call her. It's obvious he has a lifetime issue of not accepting his own faults and bad actions. Maybe finally facing a consequence would teach him something.


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## MrsInPain (Feb 5, 2010)

turnera said:


> Oh, gag me.
> 
> WhenEVER someone tells you not to call someone, you can BET that is exactly what you need to do. *She* wouldn't like it? Yeah, right.
> 
> I don't believe in keeping secrets for people. Especially when they outright lie. Go ahead and call her. It's obvious he has a lifetime issue of not accepting his own faults and bad actions. Maybe finally facing a consequence would teach him something.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

My H (back when he was my fiance) kept putting me off from talking to and formally meeting his dad (his mom passed away so it's just his dad) because the story he told his dad (which was that he was still engaged to his baby's mother) and the story I was living (which was that I was engaged to him) obviously, tremendously differed. Once his father and I collaborated, we discovered a PLETHORA of lies. He purposely encouraged us NOT to talk for this reason.

So I say, get is mom involved. Let's get everything out in the open!


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## anon2010 (Jan 29, 2010)

He was actually on the phone with his mom when I came across the email in which he lied to her. He opened his email account up for me so I could check for stuff. I immediately got upset, so he had to cut the phone call short. I confronted him, he said it was none of my business, then gave me the explanation. When I said I will confirm with his mom the validity of his story, he said go ahead call her now and handed me the phone. That action made me doubt myself... what if he did come clean to his mom? So I decided against it and said I will check with her later if I have to. Then he said she won't like me calling her about this and our problems. Why the bold action if he was lying to me? Was he taking a risk to get exposed or did he knew somehow I would chicken out and change my mind?

I will have to contact his mom after I return from my trip. It's too much to handle when I'm away and I want to make sure I'm here if and when he gets mad at me. At this point, I don't care about the marriage, it's pretty much over. But I want him to get help and do whatever he needs to do to better himself. I mean he's not a child anymore, he can't possibly drift through life like this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

anon2010 said:


> Was he taking a risk to get exposed or did he knew somehow I would chicken out and change my mind?


People do this all the time.

I agree. Go on your trip and have a good time, and then deal with it. You may want to make sure things are protected before you go, such as he can't pull all your money out of the bank while you're gone, if you think things might get worse between you.


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## MrsInPain (Feb 5, 2010)

My H used to do that all the time. He used to tell me to call his ex and ask her about their relationship just because he knew I wouldn't. Had I called her, I'd have known about their affair before I married him and I'd never be in this mess. 

Go with your gut instinct, and don't let him control you. He held out the phone knowing you'd retract then he reaffirmed your retraction by guilt tripping you about meddling. I've had that tactic used on me as well.

I agree with turnera. Have fun and relax on your trip. But, be safe and secure assets first!


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## anon2010 (Jan 29, 2010)

Oh well I'm back and I still haven't heard from my H. since V-day when I showed him the OW's email. While I was away, he came back and took some of his stuff, mostly books. A couple of his books that I needed and used before were put back on the shelf. I expected him to contact me, but nothing. I'm thinking about asking him to give me the keys and get all his stuff out, but can't bring myself to do it just yet. 

I abandoned the idea of telling his mom about his lying habits, it just doesn't seem to serve any purpose now. Besides, my girlfriend thinks the mom is probably already aware that her son lies and it might not surprise her the way I expect it would. We spent one night going to different psychics . Although I'm not a spiritual person and don't believe in that sort of things, it was quite an interesting experience. Both psychics I've talked to said our marriage has been on the rocks in the past 2-3 yrs, I've been sad, and now it's time to leave all sadness behind and change my life. One said my husband needs me more than I need him and the other said he was intimidated by me but may not show it. Hearing these bits without providing them with any clues was interesting. When I asked what would happen if I stayed with him, she said that he will be loyal to me, but I will not be truly happy because of his shortcomings. I really doubted the part of him being forever loyal, but the other part resonated with me.

Anyway, the trip was fun and we got to see many other friends who are happily married with kids now. It made us feel like we are the unlucky ones, not blessed with happy families. My gf is still single and is ready to settle down with the right man, but just can't find the perfect match. Yet she believes in true love and that not all men cheat on their partners and etc. I, on the hand, believe that most, if not all, men cheat, it's just the matter of being caught or not. She was surprised by my negativity and concluded that the past few years have taken a toll on me and turned me into a negative person. 

Really after all this, I have lost my faith in men. From reading these forums one has to wonder if there is an honest family man exists out there. There seems to be so much going on in everyone's life. And with the advancement in technology and wide arrays of social networking sites, there are tons of options & temptations available to anyone who might not think otherwise to cheat on their spouse. How am I supposed to deal with all of this? I can't spend the rest of my life spying on my husband, checking cell phone records, and installing keyloggers on the computer. I have no idea how I will be able to trust someone from now on.


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## MrsInPain (Feb 5, 2010)

anon2010 said:


> Really after all this, I have lost my faith in men. From reading these forums one has to wonder if there is an honest family man exists out there. There seems to be so much going on in everyone's life. And with the advancement in technology and wide arrays of social networking sites, there are tons of options & temptations available to anyone who might not think otherwise to cheat on their spouse. How am I supposed to deal with all of this? I can't spend the rest of my life spying on my husband, checking cell phone records, and installing keyloggers on the computer. I have no idea how I will be able to trust someone from now on.


Not all men cheat, but a lot do. I'm really extremely close to my dad and I went to him after I found out about my H's many affairs, asking him questions about men in general. We had a very frank conversation about this. 

My dad has never cheated on his wives (first W was my mom, second is his current W), but he told me a lot men do. The ones that don't will have weak moments, but what separates "the men from the boys" (as he says) is the man's ability to NOT succumb to his physical (or sometimes emotional) desires. 

He told me that every man he knows, married or single, will gawk at an attractive woman walking by. Some, my dad included, may even talk to them. But the real men leave it at that. _It's just a silly, stupid, fleeting, short-lived fantasy. It's natural._ Just like I'm sure if an EXTREMELY good-looking fireman or other man in uniform (or whatever is your cup of tea) is behind you in line at the grocery store, you may flash him a smile - BUT THAT'S IT! We do this because we are grown adults and we realize that we are in a committed relationship to someone we love. The men (or boys I should say) who cheat can't leave it at that harmless stage. 

Another thing my dad said, which surprised me coming from him - because he's kind of a manly man, it that he always knew he loved his wife completely when he'd see an attractive woman, maybe smile at her or talk to her, and instantly think of his wife. He said sometimes he'd feel guilty for even looking at another woman, but most of the time he realized that the feeling he got when he was attracted to someone, was deeply connected to his wife. So, no matter what, he could never cheat. He was never able to disconnect from his wife. That, he told me, separates the married men from the married boys. Boys aren't able to emotionally connect like that.

Also, I'd like to add my own piece to this: Being on this site and hearing some success stories of marriages surviving affairs, I've come to realize something. Sometimes it takes working on the marriage after the affair, and fully recommitting and changing dynamics to turn a boy into a man (or vice versa, a girl into woman). Because cheating, if you really think about it, is a very childish thing to do. But owning up to what you did and working to fix it is a very adult and mature thing to do.

Ah, so bottom line, there is hope. And trust me, this is coming from someone who has seen her fair share of complete betrayal from a man, er, boy I should say. The boy I'm involved with may never grow up, but one day I'll be married to man and it will be amazing. =)


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## anon2010 (Jan 29, 2010)

thank you for giving me hope, MrsInPain  My H. still hasn't contacted me. I considered emailing him last week, but my gf talked me out of it. She thinks 2wks is not enough time to sort out his feelings and decide what he wants to do, so we agreed to give him a full month . So if I don't hear from him by next Sat, I'm asking him to surrender the keys and most likely it'll be all over for us. 

I don't understand all this silence on his part. What happened to his "I will fight for this marriage and I can't live without you" talk? Was he so badly embarrassed and lost face that he can't find a way to approach me anymore? Or maybe he just doesn't care? What am I supposed to do? How much time should I give him and when am I supposed to know what the next steps are?


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## anon2010 (Jan 29, 2010)

I just got a call from my gynecologist's office. I went for a follow-up pap smear/colposcopy two weeks ago and told her my H. had cheated on me and I wanted to get tested for STDs. I was so confident I would test negative because it's been a long time since we had sex. I would've known something was amiss by now, right? My H. also told me a few months back that he was tested for STDs and they all came back negative and that he was clean.

The results for cervical dysplasia were optimistic, the pap smear was negative and the doctor said the area of abnormality was so small she could possibly get rid of that during biopsy. So the good news was I didn't have go through LEEP surgery. 

But now this. I was tested positive for syphilis! How is this possible??? I did not notice any sores down there and how could I have gone with syphilis for 3 years without any symptoms at all??? I'm going to see the gynecologist tomorrow and really hoping they got it mixed up, the sample got contaminated or something. I'm so lost. Why am I paying this huge price for being nothing but nice to him? I can't believe I still wanted to help him out after all this madness.


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## LisaMarie (Sep 8, 2010)

OMG I CAN NOT BELIEVE THIS! it seems that i was reading my problem when i read your post... sorry for my misspelling i am not a fluent english. I wonder what is going on with you now? ... well i am very new at this site and i would love to write my problem to get some advice, once I learn how to handle this site i will post my problem. I can't wait to get some good advices.


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