# feeling very VERY shaky....



## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

I was doing so well yesterday throughout the day i feel strong...and then the night time came and i lost my peace...

I confronted my husband again about his affairs. I asked him to come clean and show me his cellphone and he refused saying that it was personal (his blackberry is password protected). I dont even know why i asked him to do that...it was STUPID od me and I knew he wouldnt let me but i asked anyway because i was loosing my mind and I was hurting so badly. 

I asked him why did he do this to me again? and why does he have to start the affair while we are trying to reconcile? and he said he knew for a long time that it would never work between him and me....

Then i asked "if you know that then why did you come back??" and he said because he wanted to see if we can give it another go. I asked him "so eventho in your head and heart you felt that we couldn't work you still come back and want to see if we can try again?" and he said "yes, i want to try for the sake of the kids". 

I told him he is crazy and delisional because he already made up his mind that we wouldn't work but yet he came back anyway and didnt bother thinking how hurtful it would be for me and the kids when something like this happened AGAIN the second time around.....he is just a selfish, lying, cheating @$$hole! I told him "congratulation you have sucessfully hurt me and the kids all over again!"

The pain took me back to the exact some place where i was last year when everything was still so raw.

Then hopelessness washed over me and i felt like i was dying....the wound he has inflicted upon me last year when i walked out the first time around had just been re-opened and the pain feels incruciating.

I jumped into the car and i drove and drove while i was crying....i couldn't see the road properly because of my tears and yet i dont care...if i crashed and die then i was ready to go because then i dont have to feel this pain anymore, at least the pain will go away. 

I couldn't sleep but somehow must've drifted off to sleep because i woke up at 3pm and wave of emotion came flooding in....the pain, sadness, anger, hopelesness...

Then the pain turn to HATE....i feel such a powerful hate towards both my husband and the OW that it scares me.

But at the same time i feel so powerless and defeated because i know there is nothing i can do to the OW that will make her feel the same level of pain im experiencing right now. How could she know how it feel to have someone that you have loved for 17 years and bear children with being ripped away so easily??? 

Background history of the OW (from what was told by my husband) She foesn't have any kids but she was the one who walked away from her marriage (i dont know how long she was married for) because her husband was a drug addict, so when she saw my husband obviously she thinks he is quite a catch comparing to her ex-husband. This is the reason why my husband started talking to her in the first place, because she had gone thru a divorce and he wants to talk to someone who has been there before....and one thing lead to another and it turned into an EA.

Just to illustrate how much HATE i was feeling last night...i want her blood for vengence and i want revenge so bad, i want to hurt her where it hurts the most so she can feel the same pain im experiencing. I was thinking up all sort of scenarios and stuff i can do to hurt her....if thoughts can kill she would've been dead by now.

I can't believe i let myself walk into this again so blindly....as if it wasn't bad enough the first time around last year....im SOO STUPID!

I feel like a wounded animal...i have completely lost my peace last night, i lost my faith and i was screaming to God "Why God Why?"....."why do you let this happened again? have i not gone thru enough pain last year that you need me to feel this again and again???" and i felt like i was being possessed by the devil coz my mind is going wild with crazy and dangerous evil throughts. I felt like i was capable of inflicting physical harm to that OW....the hate i felt was so powerful that it scares me that im capable of feeling that way.

Usually when i get distraught i listen to some sermon (usually from the two minister whom i respect so much) and usually they are able to lift my spirit and bring me back to a place of peace....but last night it wasn't helping at all...it wasn't registering in my heart, its like my heart has been turned to stone, i see it as black and burnt....i feel heartless, empty and hopeless.

For the first time since this whole thing happened i dont want him back....even if by some miracle he came crawling back to me, i dont want him back! I lost all respect for my husband....he is a soul-less man who is heartless and selfish.

I dont want to ever deal with this again because it nearly killed me last night.....if this ever happened again i feel that I will loose my soul and i dont want to be a souless & heartless woman who cannot forgive because of bitterness.


Im DONE!


Sorry that this post is just ranting and raving....i feel like a lunatic of a woman who was enraged.


I dont know how to get my peace back...i feel so lost.....please PLEASE help me....


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## KirkSpock (Mar 21, 2012)

Wow Downunder. You hang in there! He wasn't thinking about the sake of his children when he went and cheated on you the first time, so why on earth would he give a crap about them now? It's all about HIM, HIS needs, HIS wants now. HANG IN THERE and take care of business after you've had a good cry and can manage to contact the meanest attorney in your area 

EDIT:Sorry, I just realized I didn't offer any advice. I really have none to offer right now, just words of encouragement. Things WILL get better in time. I suppose my only advice at this juncture WOULD be to contact a lawyer ASAP.


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

KirkSpock said:


> Wow Downunder. You hang in there! He wasn't thinking about the sake of his children when he went and cheated on you the first time, so why on earth would he give a crap about them now? It's all about HIM, HIS needs, HIS wants now. HANG IN THERE and take care of business after you've had a good cry and can manage to contact the meanest attorney in your area


Kirk, unfortunately the law here states that we cannot file for divorce until we have been separated for 2 years....so until March next year i have to hang tight.

I have meet with my lawyer yesterday tho to put the ground works on drawing up separation agreement and custody rights so at least thats something.

He will be served those separation papers the following week due to easter break.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Rant and rave. I just did on my post. It helps.

Please, do not do what you did again in the car. I know how it feels but you are precious to all of us here on TAM and many of us are fighting our emotions.

This is not the end of the world, even though it feels like it is.

You can make it. We are here for you. If it would not be for TAM, my Army buddies, friends and my wife's family (yes they have been a great help), there would be two bodies somewhere and one of them would not have been mine.

Do not even think of killing yourself over this. Please. We care for you.

Get a grip.

There is a brighter day coming for you and right now you are in a dark hole.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I hate where you are. What are your options?

can you get him out?


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

Thorburn, im trying to get a grip....im holding on to the thoughts of my kids for dear life right now.

that_girl, he is moving out first thing tomorrow morning...

Kirk, its okay....even just having someont to talk to right now helps....i keep staring into empty space...


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## KirkSpock (Mar 21, 2012)

DownUnder, I don't know the laws in Australia, so check with your lawyer first....but CHANGE THOSE LOCKS TOMORROW, the minute he moves out. If nothing else....it will feel therapeutic. Those locks represent the abuse, anguish, and betrayal you have experienced. Remove them with your husband.

Good luck Downunder, hold on and hang in there!


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

Kirk, i can't do that as im renting the place im in right now so i cant just change the locks.

And he still needs to come in the morning to drop off the kids to school so i can go to work and he needs to use the car to do this (we only have one car to use for kid's transportation).

Im on a strick contract at work and i have to start work at 8am, the kid's school doesn't start until 9am and the school gates doesn't open til 8.30am so i can't drop the kids off.

Unfortunately the school doesn't offer before school care otherwise i would be willing to pay for that so that i dont have to deal with him.

Im not able to give up my job as they are the only way i can get some income into my house.

So changing the keys are not possible and he needs to help with some responsibility for the kids...im not gonna let him off the hook so easily.

But he is not coming back to my place after work to see the kids from tomorrow onwards i told him i dont want to see him and he will only see the kids in the morning when he drops them off to school and every alternate weekend.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

DownUnder said:


> I feel like a wounded animal...i have completely lost my peace last night, i lost my faith and i was screaming to God "Why God Why?"....."why do you let this happened again? have i not gone thru enough pain last year that you need me to feel this again and again???"
> 
> Yes, you are wounded. But you are still on your feet and moving forward. Focus on the love you have for your kids. You will get past this. You will heal.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

Please try to hang in there. I know your pain like many others on TAM. Be strong for your kids. There will be a day, maybe 15 years from now, when you will look back and know what a great thing you did for them RIGHT NOW! You are in the midst of the single greatest act of love for your children. Day By Day, Minute by Minute.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I don't want to inflict my beliefs on you, but before I learned of my wife's cheating, God really worked on me about the issue of infidelity. It helped to forgive my wife knowing that I was unfaithful and betraying God, who has only been good to me, and that he still forgives me and shows me mercy.

Not saying that so you go back to him, but just understand that God knows the pain you are going through when you are betrayed, and wants to comfort you. There is nothing that will remove the pain that you are going through, but it is comforting to place your trust in him that it will work out. You still have an amazing life ahead of you, even though this part will suck in the short term.


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

slater, thank you so much for your support & compassion...it means a lot to me right now.

COguy, i know you are right and i have been meditating on God's word (a friend of mine sent me some bible verses to meditate on) and slowly but surely they are starting to ease my pain and anger.

It soothes my soul and im starting to feel God's love slowly filling me up again.

I was in such a bad place last night....i never want to feel like that again.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

whats today like for you? I just read this and my heart aches for you. You are right that you can't go to that place again because you have children who need and deserve a mom and you have YOUR life that WILL get better. God will never leave your side and he will carry you through the toughest times. 

I am thinking of you...


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

Ingalls, thank you for thinking about me 

Im feeling strong this morning, i have made up my mind that im going to have a good day today. I have a great support from my bible study group last night and they have re-assured me again that im making the right decision and that God is directing my steps.

He is moving out today but Im just going to treat it like its just another ordinary day and i will keep calm, cool & steady.

Im not saying this is easy, and it might hit me later when i get home from work and see that all his stuff are gone....but my kids will be with me and they will keep me strong. 

A friend of mind will also come over tonight, she offered to watch DVD together to keep me distracted and she offered to stay the night if i need her support throughout the night.

I might even come back here later today or tomorrow for more support but at this time i am okay, God has given me his peace and grace....He is carrying me through this difficult time.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Thinking of you Downunder.
Hope you are in a better place today.
Let him go hon. Let him make his own mistakes. Concerntrate on you and your children and hold you head up high.
Pray that God will work in his heart and he will wake up and do the right thing.
But please look after yourself and be kind to yourself. I've been where you are and I really feel for you.
Just sending you a big hug.
DG
Xx
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

Thank you Daisy 
xoxo


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

DownUnder, I am in the same position. In WA you have to be separated for a year. So he's out there parading his 'love' around his family, while I am crushed and taking care of two little babies. I actually looked into a Bible the other day, which I don't ever do because I am not very religious. But I asked God for help and just opened a Bible to a random page. This is what I found.... I don't know, maybe it will make you feel better?

For the commandment is a lamp, and the law a light; reproofs of instruction are the way of life. 
To keep you from the evil woman, from the flattering toungue of a seductress.
Do not lust after her beauty in your hear, nor let her allure you with her eyelids.
Fo by means of a harlot a man is reduced to a crust of bread; and an adulteress will prey upon his precious life.
Can a man take fire to his bosom, and his clothes not be burned?
Can one walk on hot coals and his feet not be seared?
So is he who goes in to his neighbor's wife; whoever touches her shall not be innocent
People do not despise a thief if he steals to satisfy himself when he is starving. Yet when he is found, he must restore sevenfold; he may have to give up all the substance of his house.
Whoever commits adultery with a woman lacks understanding; he who does so destroys his own soul. 
Wounds and dishonor he will get, and his reproach will not be wiped away.
For jealousy is a husbands (insert wife here) fury; therefore he will not spare in the day of vengeance.
He will accept no recompense, though you give many gifts.

I've got to tell you it was so strange to open to that page, but it helps me. I guess it just tells you in layman's terms that they will get theirs. Like I said, I'm not a church goer per se, but this really soothed me. I might just start going now..... good luck. I feel your pain.


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

Honey, thank you so much for sharing that...it gives me some comfort and i will continue to place my hope in the Lord.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Honeystly said:


> Whoever commits adultery with a woman lacks understanding; he who does so destroys his own soul.


TAM in 20 words or less!


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

I know how you feel....4 months into R and there are MANY nights I sit here and dream up ways to pass this pain and hurt to the OW. It is absolutely the worst feeling ever that I did nothing wrong and I am stuck with all of this anxiety, anguish and torment. I feel like I have the weight of the world dumped on me and just wish I could pass it over to the tramp who deserves it. The thing I keep telling myself is that she is a coward who couldn't handle it anyway. I am teaching my boys true lessons in life..... grace, dignity, honor, faith, forgiveness (to give it and do it for yourself, not necessarily quickly) and love. I can almost guarantee after this experience- they will not do this to their wives. The downside is that they have had to experience the hurt through me, but now they know the damage it does and they will know better. 
I love my H....with all my heart. It hurts like hell and I tell him so. If I feel it in the middle of the night, I call him. (he is away right now for military class-terrible timing!!!! right now in our R) I did go and get meds from my doc, I had to. The panic attacks were too much for me. 
I am trying hard to manage the urge to call her and give it to her....although on Dday, I did call her. Oh yes I did. And it did me much good. I also let her family know, by email. That was therapy for me.
Good luck to you. And I agree...do not do that in the car again. There are days I wish it would all end for me, but my boys deserve to have me around. I am a darn good Mom.


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