# Here we go again...



## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

Hello everyone,
I have posted once before in June. I frequent the site often to read posts. It really helps. 
I want to post my story in hopes that other women will avoid humiliating themselves the way I have. 

My "husband" and I have been together 5.5yrs, married 4.5 years. We have one child, she is 3 years old. We got married young, at 20. He was the most wonderful man I had ever met, he was so helpful, thoughtful, sweet, and loving to me. He was/is also kind of a loner. He isnt too close to his parents and didnt have too many close friends, and he is emotionally detached which at the time didnt matter because he would communicate fine with me. He was everything I expected in a spouse. While dating, our sex life was great, as it probably is with most couples at first. Once we got married, it wasn't as consistent, I was really stressed and I just wasn't up for sex. We would have sex at least twice a week. I include this information because I feel it did affect our marriage in some way. I became pregnant and after having the baby (had several complications) sex was even less appealing to me. He was becoming more and more distant. I asked him so many times to tell me what was wrong. I waited for him to talk to me about his issues and he never came to me. We would constantly argue because he no longer was affectionate and I didnt feel loved but I suppose he didnt either. 

So August of last year he decides he needs a break. He needs time to "think". He leaves the house for two weeks but is in constant contact with me and my daughter. I was devastated regardless and I begged him to come back which eventually he did. Two days after his return his ex girlfriend contacts me on facebook. Apparently he had been speaking to her for 2 months. She claims it was a physical affair he denies it and says it was just emotional. It didnt matter because it was equally devastating not only that he went over minutes and text messages on his cell phone bill that he ended up owing tmobile $900. So he says hes sorry he loves me and will be the best husband possible. So for a while he is. He takes me on a trip we have an amazing time and its like hes the same man I married

9 months later, he has the itch for some more "space" This time he leaves for 1 week and is constantly in contact with my daughter and I. No affair as far as I am aware (I checked his phone bill.) Once again he comes back and promises things will be differnt. I promise too because I really want it to work. I promise to make changes, to not argue as much to accept him exactly as he is. I made all my changes I accepted him. But after a month he was emotionally detached again. 

This brings me here, 3 weeks ago he left yet again. This time minimal communication and he has seen our daughter a total of 3 times. I checked his phone records and found several calls and texts to another woman. I contacted her and they both claim they are only friends. My question is why hide a friend from your spouse? And why must some of your conversations be at 7am and 75 minutes long. Just like the first time he refused to admit it. He claims he has done nothing wrong because he didn't do anything with them. Later, he tells me this new lady friend is 58, which only helped to confuse me more and also made me realize his emotional issues are greater than I thought. I begged him the first week cried, pled with him anything you can think of. I am ashamed to say that but that is the truth. The second week I tried ignoring him and did well for the most part however as soon as he called, I would cling on to hope. I have slept with him twice since the separation only to feel extremely low and worthless afterwards. He has used me as his doormat and yet sometimes I have hope. All three times he has turned the blame around on me and I have believed him even when he never tried to communicate and explain to me what he needed so that we can work on our marriage. I didnt tell any of my friends the first 2 times, just my mom and his mom so he would try to turn it around on me. But this third time I have told my close friends my troubles and they have made me realize that its not my fault. I think its important everyone realizes that. Sure we have flaws but we do not deserve to be treated like such crap.

However, even with this little bit of hope I feel, I have realized its over. I can't trust him and he has hurt me so many times. During these three weeks he has told me he wants full custody of our child, I think it bothers him I have taken money from our account. He has said so many mean things to me. He has told me he doesn't love me (once) When I ask him on different occasions to tell me he no longer loves me he says "I cant say that" I know that he is just simply keeping his options open but it hurts so much.He claims I have been too possesive and would not let him go out on his own or give him his space. I spent the first 2 years of our marriage trying to get him to visit his parents or go out with his friends! But maybe there is some truth to it, even then he could have said something.

I have spoken to several lawyers. I finally hired one today. He wants me to try to come to an agreement with my stbx regarding child custody to make it the least costly as possible, since in reality that is our only issue. When I told my stbx we needed to talk about it, he acted way more civil than I expected. I know he has spoken to a lawyer too but he hadnt bothered to file so I am not sure if this took him by surprise. What is so ridiculous is that I still feel hope. Like we will get divorced and years from now he will be the man he used to be and we can be together again. I know how idiotic that sounds but thats how pathetic I have been lately.


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## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

Thank you for reading and sorry its so long. Any thoughts or opinions will help. It's pretty condensed so if anything doesnt make sense, just ask. Thanks again!


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

You are not idiotic, you are in love. Try until you know that your attempts are in vain. Then move on with your future and the future of your daughter. I would have a hard time not believing there is another person in your relationship, but you and your H know what the deal is. Letting him know that you are moving on is a great motivator for action on his part...but you have to show him you can't tell him. Best of everything to you in you decisions and choices.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

He's had an affair (emotional or physical, it doesn't matter) and walked out on your and your child several times for weeks at a time yet wants full custody? Yeah, right. 

You married too young. You then went and had a baby and neglected your husband, which set the wheels in motion for him to leave and start these high school antics. You are both at fault IMO. 

Now you have a child to look after. Right now she should be your ONLY concern. Both of you had better get your priorities straight. 

Make sure that attorney is worth the money you are paying him. Document EVERYTHING and come to a conclusion about custody and try to be adults and act like parents. NEITHER one of you should have full custody, it should be SHARED. For the next 15 years you have that child to look after and she needs BOTH parents in her life. It's time to stop acting like teenagers and be adults, for the sake of that little girl. No more game playing.


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## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

Thank you hesnothappy for your reply. 
Freakonaleash, I know we are both at fault. However, I don't think he handled the situation in the correct manner. I am sure age plays a part but I know couples who got married at 20 and have been married 20years plus. Certainly in my case our age played a role. 
I think I am acting like a parent, I have kept strong for my daughter. Hes a good father. I am not sure what has been going through his head lately though. 
I will look after my daughter and do my best to be the best parent I can be. I will also make sure to document everything. Thanks for the advice. No more games


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

nodespair said:


> I am sure age plays a part but I know couples who got married at 20 and have been married 20years plus.


That was a different time, today getting married before 30 is almost a guarantee for a D. You change so much between 20 and 30 that most marriage can't survive the transition. 

He doesn't sound emotionally mature and looks like he deals with issues by running away. That's not a good sign. He doesn't sound like he really wants to be married.

The nicer you are to him, the more he'll look down on you. Once you get your head straight and start planning a life without him that may scare him into having second thoughts.


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