# Need Input From the Ladies and Men Also!!!



## colormyworldred (Jul 21, 2011)

I want an opinion about something from the ladies and gentlemen. Last night my wife took my son to the pool at our Apt. complex. It gets to be around 9 PM and I go to check on them. When I get out there, all the lights around the pool are out and my son + about 3 other kids are at the shallow end of the pool. At the opposite deep end of the pool is my wife and another man who is the other boys' father. It was so dark that I couldn't make out faces and my wife calls out to me "hey honey." She and the other guy are no more than 3 feet apart in the deep end discussing some issues we are having with our home in another state. Now, from past experience, this guy seems really nice and he is a contractor, so I understand the conversation. But I got upset because #1 it's really dark, #2, they are no more than 3 feet apart, and I really think they were closer, but I'm giving the benefit of the doubt, #3, there are no other adults around, and #4, in the past if it's me and my wife and son in the pool, my wife never gets more than 10 feet away from my son (he's only 5). I got pretty upset about the situation, although I didn't accuse my wife of doing anything. Then she got angry with me for being upset, and wouldn't talk to me about it after she explained that they were talking about our house and he was a contractor. Now as far as I know this guy is happily married and a stand up guy. What I want to know from the ladies is, did I overreact, and should I have been suspicious. And from the guys, how would you have felt about this situation if it happened to you? My wife has never given me a reason to be suspicious, but I really felt uncomfortable about the circumstances, especially after my wife was so defensive and refused to respect how I felt about it (she said I was being paranoid and cotrolling). So everybody help me understand this PLEASE!!!!!! Oh just FYI, my wife and I have been having some issues and she is not having sex withme right now because "we're dating and learning each other again" right now. But we did set a "resume sex" date for August 27th.


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## Archana (Jan 27, 2011)

Hi colormyworldred,

According to my opinion, it may not as such that there is some suspesious thing happening. If there is she would not have called you when she saw you. 

On emore thing is, feeling that she is not respecting your feeling is because if she respcets your feeling of disppointmnet in this regard then it is like she is aggreing that there is some thing that you should worry. That is why she might not want to give any explanationa bout this as there is no wrong from her side. 

I say this because as a girl I feel this. But it is purely my opinion.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Well, since you're just "dating" maybe she was seeing what else is on the market . 

In all seriousness I would be more upset that the she was so interested in this conversation that a five year old is not being payed extreme attention to at the pool. 

The reason your gut is telling you something is wrong is because you all have been having issues and basically your bond to her is loosening. Another man that close in the dark sets off your spidey senses. Not a big enough issue to make a big deal out of. Just pay attention going forward.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I honestly believe those "other" issues are weighing in on how you reacted to this situation. Since you and your wife aren't having intimacy, you are feeling vulnerable and overly sensitive.


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## colormyworldred (Jul 21, 2011)

You guys are great!!!. Thanks for all of the input. I just want to learn from every situation so that I can make my marriage better. If I'm overreacting, then I want to figure that out and learn from it and admit when I'm wrong so that my wife knows I care about how she feels about things as well. Looking forward to more feedback!


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I talk to other men at the pool when I take my kids. One of them is a sahd (our boys are friends). I see him almost every other day and we even text to coordinate playdates. But unlike you I'm not having marital problems and our bond is strong so my husband isn't concerned. I'm with the other posters it's the lack of bond that is causing you distress. Seeing her that cozy with another man was just a trigger to that emotion. 

Furthermore I have a 5 year old and she's like a fish in the pool. I no longer feel the need to sit right on top of her and watch her like a hawk. She's fine. I can keep an eye on her from any chair at the pool. Now if the lights were off and it was really dark then yes I agree she should have been sitting at the shallow end.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I think you should pay careful attention to this situation.

Any time your wife is not being sexual with you means she is way more likely to "fall" for or get seduced by another male. This is NATURE and BIOLOGY. Women are sexual creatures even though society tries its hardest to squelch it.

I think that if you gave your wife permission to be not sexual, agreed that you were the cause of problems and you are now "dating", it's not a stretch for her to feel that you gave her permission to start looking at other men.

My view is, you should tell her what is acceptable or not acceptable to you regarding staying past dark, not watching children, conversing with another male, and allow her to choose your boudaries as a condition of staying married to you.

It is very important not to act needy, weak and jealous when speaking to her about this.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I agree with all of the others, that because the marraige has fallen on hard times, a lack of sex & attention, this got under your skin , like an open wound, makes sense. 

Is your wife normally a social butterfly? 

Although I have never struck up a conversation in the dark with a man near a pool, I have talked to men in the pool before , with my husband at the other end, he was never concerned. Never made an issue of it, even when he was the one watching the kids! He knows I enjoy talking to people, and if they strike up a conversation with me, I am going bite. Though I would not start one myself. 

But HE knows, I would be telling him every thing we talked about after the fact, I just always do that. Probably why he never worried about me talking to others, men or women. 

I think if you did not come off as "accusatory", it would have done her well to just tell you what all was talked about , and it would have eased your mind. 

But sure, if he is good looking, and you are having problems at home, I can see the concern. If she was all over you every night, this likely would not have been an issue. I can see a little concern over being that far away from her son, depending on how well be can swim though.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

colormyworldred said:


> I want an opinion about something from the ladies and gentlemen. Last night my wife took my son to the pool at our Apt. complex. It gets to be around 9 PM and I go to check on them. When I get out there, all the lights around the pool are out and my son + about 3 other kids are at the shallow end of the pool. At the opposite deep end of the pool is my wife and another man who is the other boys' father. It was so dark that I couldn't make out faces and my wife calls out to me "hey honey." *She and the other guy are no more than 3 feet apart* in the deep end discussing some issues we are having with our home in another state. Now, from past experience, this guy seems really nice and he is a contractor, so I understand the conversation. But I got upset because #1 it's really dark, #2, they are no more than 3 feet apart, and I really think they were closer, but I'm giving the benefit of the doubt, #3, there are no other adults around, and #4, in the past if it's me and my wife and son in the pool, my wife never gets more than 10 feet away from my son (he's only 5). I got pretty upset about the situation, although I didn't accuse my wife of doing anything. Then she got angry with me for being upset, and wouldn't talk to me about it after she explained that they were talking about our house and he was a contractor. Now as far as I know this guy is happily married and a stand up guy. What I want to know from the ladies is, did I overreact, and should I have been suspicious. And from the guys, how would you have felt about this situation if it happened to you? My wife has never given me a reason to be suspicious, but I really felt uncomfortable about the circumstances, especially after my wife was so defensive and refused to respect how I felt about it (*she said I was being paranoid and cotrolling*). So everybody help me understand this PLEASE!!!!!! Oh just FYI, my wife and I have been having some issues and *she is not having sex withme right now because "we're dating and learning each other again" right now. But we did set a "resume sex" date for August 27th*.


Huge Red Flags. 

1) If nothing else the situation would have pissed me off. I would have told my wife this was unacceptable .... period. But it gets way worse below.

2) Then she used the controlling word. RED FLAG.

3) Now the FYI is the one that makes the rest over the top bad. You are not having sex with each other and hope to resume Auguist 27th. You are dating her. I d o believ in dating the wife as part of a normal sexual relationship. But you mean this literally. She seems to be on the make now and I would wonder if there is not more to this.

All things concsisidered he is getting more intimacy from her than you are. She is very vulnerable to having both an EA and a PA if she is not already.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Maybe you're just over-sensitive because of what is going on in your marriage at this time.

I don't know how I would feel...probably jealous, suspicious, etc...but then I remember my husband is a good man and I'd try to let that go. I'm kinda messed up with my trust issues though


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Archana said:


> Hi colormyworldred,
> 
> According to my opinion,* it may not as such that there is some suspesious thing happening. If there is she would not have called you when she saw you. *
> 
> ...


She likely moved away and called out to you like a kid who just pulled their hand from a cookie jar. By calling out to you she was alos alerting the guy that you were there. So the calling out means nothing as far as her being innocent or not.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

colormyworldred said:


> You guys are great!!!. Thanks for all of the input. I just want to learn from every situation so that I can make my marriage better. If I'm overreacting, then I want to figure that out and learn from it and admit when I'm wrong so that my wife knows I care about how she feels about things as well. Looking forward to more feedback!


You are not overreacting at all. She should not be in the dark with this guy down at the other end of the pool with no one else around. She needs to not do that any more. They were not sitting by the pool talking. They were close to each other in the dark on the end of the pool where touching and more can occur.

A married women is not doing this. She would not want to have the appearance of an isseu let alone doing anything. NOW, add the rest and you have huge red flags. You are not intimate with her and she is at the least seeking attention from another man.

Hey, remember the scene from Vacation ....

You do not say but what is really going on with you guys. Why are you guys dating again and not having sex. What is the background here? Do she have other contact with this guy?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> I talk to other men at the pool when I take my kids. One of them is a sahd (our boys are friends). I see him almost every other day and we even text to coordinate playdates. But unlike you I'm not having marital problems and our bond is strong so my husband isn't concerned. I'm with the other posters it's the lack of bond that is causing you distress. Seeing her that cozy with another man was just a trigger to that emotion.
> 
> Furthermore I have a 5 year old and she's like a fish in the pool. I no longer feel the need to sit right on top of her and watch her like a hawk. She's fine. I can keep an eye on her from any chair at the pool. Now if the lights were off and it was really dark then yes I agree she should have been sitting at the shallow end.


This is normal. Something tells me you are not on the deep end alone, in the dark and pretty much cuddling together.

Yes, their situation makes all the difference here. Not only is he vulnerable but she sure is as well. She is going to be a much easier target.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I agree with all of the others, that because the marraige has fallen on hard times, a lack of sex & attention, this got under your skin , like an open wound, makes sense.
> 
> Is your wife normally a social butterfly?
> 
> ...


I think the issue for me has nothing to do with her talking to a man at the pool. If they were sitting in chairs and talking it would be totally different. Add day light and even more different. Add other people including the spouse then not even the same thing. It has to do with her and this guy getting into what is called "Isolation" from others wearing bathing suites in close proximity in the water. Whether they were doing anything or not they both knew they were sharing an initmate enviroment. That is a progressive thing that gets built on. They are awful comfortable with each other. 

I really doubt she would have done that if they were not having sexual issues of their own. So this is a lot of intimacy in and of itself considering her husband does not have this type of intimacy with her right now. Her respones as to him being controlling is weird. She should respect his concern adn just said, she would not oput herself in tht situation again. In fact now that I think about this, this was a very blatant thing she has done considering the situation. This is pretty much in his face.

It makes me wonder why they have fallen out of a sexual relationship and are dating. There is more to this story which could impact this. If he or she had been unfaithful for example then this is an important part of the deal.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Huge Red Flags.
> 
> 
> 2) Then she used the controlling word. RED FLAG.
> ...


Don't want to get off thread here - E3000 - I would like to understand more of what you mean by the use of "controlling" as a red flag. I agree - but I need some perspective from others on this.


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## Ruth-Anne1957 (Aug 2, 2011)

:smthumbup: I feel you have very valid points to make to your wife. I also feel her anger only shows there is a little guilt on her part. 

Your point that she never stays far from your son in the pool, and was at the other end could show her need for herself, her own attention was trusting the other father's judgement at leaving his son their, and her need to be valued in a good conversation exceeded her responsibility as an adult. 

If you two are not sleeping together, and are 'dating'. Not Good Are you both going to a marriage counseler???
When people start making choices that will effect their parenting, and thus their children, they should have a professional that has been there, done that, and heard a million cases and mistakes before you, that can give you an objective opinion. 

I too let my first husband stay in our 'working it out' seperation. It did not make him more responsible, nor did it help our relationship. Later, as was pointed out to me by a child psychologist, not only was I hurt, but my children where hurt and left with a parent, me, that was torn apart by what I had just experienced. 

I would have another sit down with your wife. Explain you have trust issues based on her behaviour that night, that it was not the person you know, love and Trust, as a Woman, Friend, Lover, Wife, and most importantly parent. Tell her you realize it is also YOUR choice that got you both that far by accepting the terms of your 'dating a knew' and getting to know each other again. ADMIT, you BOTH made a mistake in your choices and it could have effects on your child. 

AS ADULTS we make choices, I believe, unfortunately, because we are so use to parenting blindly, we forget they are affecting our children. 

Be happy with your choices, if you are not happy how can anyone else around you be happy, how can you trust anyone? Remind your wife, she has been your best friend, and most trusted companion, as well as the valued 'other parent' to your cherished son. Why would she want to throw that all away. Help her find out who she is, what she needs, I commend you for already giving her distance and your hand. SHE needs to understand how rare and valuable that is.

If she were to leave you, it would not get better elsewhere, I have stated this before, and know from experiences. Work with who you have, who you know, who you have the most invested in, ESPECIALLY if you have a child with them. No matter how much couseling, no matter how much self serving, gratuitous searching outside the home, it hurts everyone one else when you bring other people into a relationship, and it hurts the person that does it in the end. I have seen it. I am a child of divorce, and adult of divorce, and am in my second marriage. We are not born parents. We are not born spouses. We make mistakes, but it all comes down to our own choices, and what we are willing to accept. Speak your mind, you sound like your are very well spoken, and can put things into perspectives, do the best to save your family and marriage, but I hope you do not take on more than you can, you can not control other's choices. Being angry, hurt, betrayed is natural, but letting it control you is a waste of time for you, and your child. 

I wish you and your family the best. May God Keep you, hold you, and always be with you all. 

Ruth-Anne


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Dadof3 said:


> Don't want to get off thread here - E3000 - I would like to understand more of what you mean by the use of "controlling" as a red flag. I agree - but I need some perspective from others on this.


In this context the word controlling is used by folks who are wanting space to do things that thier spouse does not approve of. So the controlling word is thrown down. Rather than respecting that the spouse feels their is a boundary being crossed, one throws down the word controlling. Unfaithful spouses use this word as part of the script. In this case who knows what her intentions are. But with her "dating" her husband she should be more sensitive to the situation and less defensive.

But controlling in this case is also her husband trying to c0ckblock the other other guy because he peceives his wife is showing too great an interest in this other male. It would not have been a red flag if she acknowledged his feelings and did not fight back about her activiites. So red flag -- yes.


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