# Need some guidance…divorce



## Kbski1451 (Aug 19, 2021)

My wife and I have been married for 4 years. She’s from Colombia and we did long distance dating for about a year before deciding to move in together. We jumped into a marriage so she could get a green card and stay in the country. We kept our marriage initially hush hush with the intent to host a big wedding in Cartagena which is now scheduled Nov 27, 2021.

Our marriage has had its fair share of issues from the beginning. She has a short temper, seemingly loves to argue, and has resorted to physical violence to me on certain occasions. I always had a bad habit of insulting her during arguments which I’m not proud of at all.

She only sees things her way and I’m always in the wrong, and never takes accountability for her own actions, but always acutely focuses on mine. I have been working on improving our marriage and relationship through not fighting back, cutting down my alcohol consumption, avoiding name calling, and always trying to take pragmatic approaches and becoming more compassionate to solve problems instead of fighting. Not saying I’m perfect but my wife still focuses on what I did or didn’t do or mess ups in arguments going back to when we met. It’s almost like she’s incapable of letting things go.

She has been going through a lot of stress trying to find a new job in her ideal career field, family issues, etc. This has created more changes to where she seems unhappy most of the time. I encouraged her to go on a girls trip she was interested in to Napa with a follow up trip to Washington DC to network and find a new job. I found out (she ended up coming clean) that she met a guy in California who is connected politically that ended up and flying out to Washington DC to go on a dinner date. She claims it was for networking. She initially lied to me saying she was going out with mutual friends knowing I would have an issue with her going essentially on a date while married. When I got upset and confronted her she started blaming me again for all our issues, insists she didn’t have a sexual relationship with this guy, and she wants a divorce and to be single as I’ve been a mental abuser and it’s been a horrible 5 years of marriage. She also passed the phone to this guy who said he wouldn’t have a sexual relationship with a married woman and they’re for now just friends, and wouldn’t advance anything unless she was divorced. It was just all really shady, but I do believe they didn’t have sex knowing how she is. 

She is pretty insistent on getting a divorce and hasn’t been communicating with me much other than to tell me what a bad guy I’ve been in the marriage with examples of things I’ve done in fights and otherwise explaining why divorce now. She also claims she’s under extreme pressure and stress and wants to be free.

I’m in emotional turmoil right now and don’t know what to do next. I explained I don’t want a divorce at all and I want to fix whatever issues we have and I’m looking forward to our new wedding as a new start. She’s coming back home Monday and I’m going to give her space till then. I’m extremely upset with her position and what she did behind my back, but I cannot imagine a life without her. Just looking for advice on what I should do…. I really don’t know where to turn…


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

She has a green card, right? What is the status? What happens to her immigration status if you get a divorce soon?

I think you should start with a lawyer. Even if you don't end up divorcing, I think there are issues related to her immigration status that need to be taken into consideration. It sounds like she is engaged in at least an emotional affair. That might explain part of her hostile attitude.


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## Kbski1451 (Aug 19, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> She has a green card, right? What is the status? What happens to her immigration status if you get a divorce soon?
> 
> I think you should start with a lawyer. Even if you don't end up divorcing, I think there are issues related to her immigration status that need to be taken into consideration. It sounds like she is engaged in at least an emotional affair. That might explain part of her hostile attitude.


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## Kbski1451 (Aug 19, 2021)

She has a permanent green card at this point. I agree with the emotional affair. She’s been extremely hostile. Almost like I’m the one to blame. It’s hard not to reach out and communicate but I’ve been holding off not trying to worsen the situation more than I already have with my initial yelling and name calling, etc. out of anger (which I recognize I need to fix)


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Kbski1451 said:


> She has a permanent green card at this point. I agree with the emotional affair. She’s been extremely hostile. Almost like I’m the one to blame. It’s hard not to reach out and communicate but I’ve been holding off not trying to worsen the situation more than I already have with my initial yelling and name calling, etc. out of anger (which I recognize I need to fix)


You and your wife jumped into marriage prematurely out of convenience, which is never a good idea. Then during your marriage she has been physically abusing you and you have been verbally abusing her. She is involved in an emotional affair (at least) and she wants a divorce. Why do you want to stay in this marriage? It is dysfunctional, and each of you needs to take some steps back and process this relationship. You also need to deal with your anger management issues so that you won't abuse future partners. If she wants to jump into a new relationship, that's her problem, but you need to seek therapy before you date again. Give her the divorce she is asking for because it sounds like she has already checked out of your marriage and wants to be with this guy.


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## Kbski1451 (Aug 19, 2021)

coquille said:


> You and your wife jumped into marriage prematurely out of convenience, which is never a good idea. Then during your marriage she has been physically abusing you and you have been verbally abusing her. She is involved in an emotional affair (at least) and she wants a divorce. Why do you want to stay in this marriage? It is dysfunctional, and each of you needs to take some steps back and process this relationship. You also need to deal with your anger management issues so that you won't abuse future partners. If she wants to jump into a new relationship, that's her problem, but you need to seek therapy before you date again. Give her the divorce she is asking for because it sounds like she has already checked out of your marriage and wants to be with this guy.


Good point. It's dysfunctional or has been more so in the past but things have been improving. So much so that I had developed a new found optimism. Also, this would be my second divorce, which is extremely embarrassing and I feel like a major failure. I don't see right now how I'll be able to cope with the embarrassment. Also, besides these issues, she's perfect in my eye in every other way. We're highly attracted to one another, etc. I'm not sure if I'll find anything close to this especially after a couple divorces under my belt in the future which is keeping me holding on.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A major issue is that she is violent towards you. Generally domestic violence only gets worse over time. It's not a good idea to stay with a violent person.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> A major issue is that she is violent towards you. Generally domestic violence only gets worse over time. It's not a good idea to stay with a violent person.


@Kbski1451 DOCUMENT your accounts of violence. It may not help as far as things like division of assets, etc, but sometimes if you are go gain any sort of advantage during the divorce proceedings, it might help for a judge to understand the kind of character she has.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Kbski1451 said:


> Good point. It's dysfunctional or has been more so in the past but things have been improving. So much so that I had developed a new found optimism. Also, this would be my second divorce, which is extremely embarrassing and I feel like a major failure. I don't see right now how I'll be able to cope with the embarrassment. Also, besides these issues, she's perfect in my eye in every other way. We're highly attracted to one another, etc. I'm not sure if I'll find anything close to this especially after a couple divorces under my belt in the future which is keeping me holding on.


Abuse operates in a cycle. Abuse takes place, the abuser feels bad and apologizes and wants to repair the damage; the couple goes into a honeymoon phase whereby all is good until something insignificant triggers the abuser and abuse takes place again, etc. All is not bad, and this is one of the reasons why the abused don't leave the relationship, or take a long time to leave. 

Sounds like you are trying to make yourself believe that you are both highly attracted to each other, while she is asking for divorce and spending her time in the arms of another man. Don't stay in the relationship if it's a way to avoid being alone again. You need time alone and you need to see a therapist that helps you manage your romantic life. You are worth much more than the relationships you engage in. They fail for complex and various reasons, and they are in no way an indication of your failure as a person. We are the product of so many different factors around us: the way we are raised by our parents, the way we are socialized, our social circles, different life circumstances, etc. 

Also, we believe the stories we tell ourselves. It is time to tell yourself that you need to let go of her, work on yourself, and then you'll meet someone with whom you'll build a healthy relationship. Good luck!


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## Kbski1451 (Aug 19, 2021)

drencrom said:


> @Kbski1451 DOCUMENT your accounts of violence. It may not help as far as things like division of assets, etc, but sometimes if you are go gain any sort of advantage during the divorce proceedings, it might help for a judge to understand the kind of character she has.


Great point and I do have many pictures and videos, etc. If we go through divorce I’ll leverage that and also bring up that she is having an emotional affair. She has told me this morning there’s mutual interest but no sexual relation while we’re still married. I think she sees an opportunity and who knows how that will turn out for her in the future.


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## Kbski1451 (Aug 19, 2021)

coquille said:


> Abuse operates in a cycle. Abuse takes place, the abuser feels bad and apologizes and wants to repair the damage; the couple goes into a honeymoon phase whereby all is good until something insignificant triggers the abuser and abuse takes place again, etc. All is not bad, and this is one of the reasons why the abused don't leave the relationship, or take a long time to leave.
> 
> Sounds like you are trying to make yourself believe that you are both highly attracted to each other, while she is asking for divorce and spending her time in the arms of another man. Don't stay in the relationship if it's a way to avoid being alone again. You need time alone and you need to see a therapist that helps you manage your romantic life. You are worth much more than the relationships you engage in. They fail for complex and various reasons, and they are in no way an indication of your failure as a person. We are the product of so many different factors around us: the way we are raised by our parents, the way we are socialized, our social circles, different life circumstances, etc.
> 
> Also, we believe the stories we tell ourselves. It is time to tell yourself that you need to let go of her, work on yourself, and then you'll meet someone with whom you'll build a healthy relationship. Good luck!


Great advice - thank you very much


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Kbski1451 said:


> besides these issues, she's perfect in my eye in every other way.


Your words (mostly):

She has a short temper, loves to argue, has resorted to physical violence, she only sees things her way and you're always in the wrong, she never takes accountability for her own actions but always acutely focuses on yours, she’s incapable of letting things go, she is having an emotional affair _at minimum_, wants a divorce (now that she has her green card), and already has her next victim lined up...

But other than that, she's great! Come on man. 



> Also, this would be my second divorce, which is extremely embarrassing and I feel like a major failure. I don't see right now how I'll be able to cope with the embarrassment.


Why do you care so much about what other people think, that you'd be willing to stay in a marriage like this? Do you know what I'd find more embarrassing than a second divorce? Being in a marriage with someone who has a short temper, loves to argue, has resorted to physical violence, only sees things her way and I'm always in the wrong, never takes accountability for her own actions but always acutely focuses on mine, is incapable of letting things go, is having an emotional affair _at minimum_, wants a divorce (now that she has her green card), and already has her next victim lined up.


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## Kbski1451 (Aug 19, 2021)

bobert said:


> Your words (mostly):
> 
> She has a short temper, loves to argue, has resorted to physical violence, she only sees things her way and you're always in the wrong, she never takes accountability for her own actions but always acutely focuses on yours, she’s incapable of letting things go, she is having an emotional affair _at minimum_, wants a divorce (now that she has her green card), and already has her next victim lined up...
> 
> ...


I don’t know why I care what other people thing so much. I don’t want to be perceived as a failure. I also don’t think I’d be able to get another woman as beautiful and elegant and everything that I’m extremely attracted to. I know that’s extremely shallow but that’s what my heart and mind keep telling me. I am probably an idiot for trying to work things out. I do think you’re right though and I just have to deal with the consequences of my prior decisions and deal with the shame. I think I have a lot of internal issues and need therapy to overcome. My closest friends are telling me to get out. She wants to sit down and have a discussion when it’s the right time for her to address any questions I have. I think from there it’ll be very clear as to what the next steps are. I am dreading thinking about my 2nd divorce and losing the woman I love


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Omg! You need to open your eyes!

I'm from South America. Unfortunately, many Hispanic women seek out drama. Our soap opera culture sucks! 

Colombian women have the reputation of being loud, dramatic, very beauty focused, frivolous, sneaky. I don't have any female Colombian friends because I can't stand them! 

I'm guessing she might have been attracted to you at the beginning, and the idea of getting a green card was very appealing to her. 

She's already looking for someone else outside the marriage. She doesn't care about you anymore. She's got her green card and maybe that's all she really wanted. Why are you still hoping she'll stay with you? She's telling you (very clearly) she doesn't want you! What more do you want???

Who cares if it's your second divorce! You need to take care of yourself. Go get some counseling and figure out why you marry wrong women. You need to figure out why you don't mind being mistreated. 

Please get a divorce. She doesn't love you. She doesn't want you.


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## Kbski1451 (Aug 19, 2021)

pastasauce79 said:


> Omg! You need to open your eyes!
> 
> I'm from South America. Unfortunately, many Hispanic women seek out drama. Our soap opera culture sucks!
> 
> ...


Thanks for your candid perspective. You’re probably right and I’m in denial. I’ll retain counsel now and assume the worst.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Kbski1451 said:


> Thanks for your candid perspective. You’re probably right and I’m in denial. I’ll retain counsel now and assume the worst.


Yes, retain an attorney. Do not tell her anything!!! Any communications between you and her should be through your attorneys. Do not give her ANY information and especially what your attorney's gameplan is.

Oh, and make sure your attorney knows you want to go for the throat. Do NOT play nice. I tried that. It doesn't work.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She got her green card? Maybe she feels she can move on now?


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## Kbski1451 (Aug 19, 2021)

drencrom said:


> Yes, retain an attorney. Do not tell her anything!!! Any communications between you and her should be through your attorneys. Do not give her ANY information and especially what your attorney's gameplan is.
> 
> Oh, and make sure your attorney knows you want to go for the throat. Do NOT play nice. I tried that. It doesn't work.


Great advice. The gloves are coming off. I need to protect my assets


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Kbski1451 said:


> I don’t know why I care what other people thing so much. I don’t want to be perceived as a failure.


I understand that, trust me. However, who is going to perceive you as a failure? In most cases the only one to think that... is you. You said that your closest friends are telling you to get out. So who is going to think you are a failure? And those who may, do they know the full story?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Kbski1451 said:


> I also don’t think I’d be able to get another woman as beautiful and elegant and everything that I’m extremely attracted to.


Beauty fades, a ****ty personality doesn't.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Kbski1451 said:


> I don’t know why I care what other people thing so much. I don’t want to be perceived as a failure. *I also don’t think I’d be able to get another woman as beautiful and elegant and everything that I’m extremely attracted to.* I know that’s extremely shallow but that’s what my heart and mind keep telling me. I am probably an idiot for trying to work things out. I do think you’re right though and I just have to deal with the consequences of my prior decisions and deal with the shame. I think I have a lot of internal issues and need therapy to overcome. My closest friends are telling me to get out. She wants to sit down and have a discussion when it’s the right time for her to address any questions I have. I think from there it’ll be very clear as to what the next steps are. I am dreading thinking about my 2nd divorce and losing the woman I love


That’s what it really comes down to. You’re in love with the way she looks. And it’s true you may not find someone like her. But the next one also may not likely be using you for a green card so there’s that to consider. Move on and don’t look back.


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## Gruffy79 (Aug 6, 2021)

pastasauce79 said:


> Omg! You need to open your eyes!
> 
> I'm from South America. Unfortunately, many Hispanic women seek out drama. Our soap opera culture sucks!
> 
> ...


Very very true, what you're saying here ! Excellent post. ...I'm sorry to say, OP...😐


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## Angel wings (Oct 31, 2021)

Kbski1451 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 4 years. She’s from Colombia and we did long distance dating for about a year before deciding to move in together. We jumped into a marriage so she could get a green card and stay in the country. We kept our marriage initially hush hush with the intent to host a big wedding in Cartagena which is now scheduled Nov 27, 2021.
> 
> Our marriage has had its fair share of issues from the beginning. She has a short temper, seemingly loves to argue, and has resorted to physical violence to me on certain occasions. I always had a bad habit of insulting her during arguments which I’m not proud of at all.
> 
> ...


It's hard to be in love and to love her so much but don't give up yet sit with her and speak to her.. There alot of hurt and sadness inside of her. Ask her forgiveness for all the hurt you gave her and buy her a rose and tell her you love her. Yes even tho she was with someone else that just someone but you have her heart. Take her out treat her with respect. Let her see that you trying to safe your marriage. God won't let you separate if you do your part. Learn to prayer and build a relationship with God trust me you won't regret it. Wish you well and for your wife. Social media build and destroy relationships that's y you need to fight and be strong.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Kbski1451 said:


> She has a permanent green card at this point. I agree with the emotional affair. She’s been extremely hostile. Almost like I’m the one to blame. It’s hard not to reach out and communicate but I’ve been holding off not trying to worsen the situation more than I already have with my initial yelling and name calling, etc. out of anger (which I recognize I need to fix)


It sounds like you were used. Once she got her green card, she became unbearable to you. I wouldnt waste anymore time on her.

I hope you were able to end it on terms favourae to you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Kbski1451 said:


> Great point and I do have many pictures and videos, etc. If we go through divorce I’ll leverage that and also bring up that she is having an emotional affair. *She has told me this morning there’s mutual interest but no sexual relation while we’re still married.* I think she sees an opportunity and who knows how that will turn out for her in the future.


Yeah, you’ve got yourself an ambitious liar.
She got on a plane and flew to Washington with another dude she met in Vegas. He didn’t fly her there for friendsies. They had sex. She’s now doing the sane thing with this new guy she did with you—- taking big risks hoping to score a sweet deal, whatever that is in her mind. YOU are cannon fodder for her. 
And honestly, you HAD to know she was only marrying her to get the hell out of Columbia and get that green card.
It was a nice dream being married to a sweet Columbian woman. I went on a few dates with one. She was gorgeous. Already a citizen. But she was super needy, boring as hell, and basically the only thing to her was her looks. 

I suspect that’s what you have here. A woman that only has one thing going for her. She’s not been a really pleasant person to be around unless she wanted something.

Get over your pain, have laser focus on getting an attorney and getting free of the “marriage”, and move on. Being married twice—- dude, I know a guy who is on his fifth marriage and has a seemingly good wife, he seems happy, and they’ve been married quite a while.

it’s not like you have a choice…. Just get it done. It’s tough to deal with. You’ve got no choice. Do what you have to do.
I’m sorry. Btw, you’re not losing anything. You’re gaining your freedom. Stop drinking and get healthy.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

No offense but really....

Long distance then rush rush and hush hush. She might be a slippery fish but you were the one who put the hook in your mouth. I’ve always figured that if you aren’t good enough to get a real woman face to face then playing that long distance game pretty much gets you where you are.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Angel wings said:


> It's hard to be in love and to love her so much but don't give up yet sit with her and speak to her.. There alot of hurt and sadness inside of her. Ask her forgiveness for all the hurt you gave her and buy her a rose and tell her you love her. Yes even tho she was with someone else that just someone but you have her heart. Take her out treat her with respect. Let her see that you trying to safe your marriage. God won't let you separate if you do your part. Learn to prayer and build a relationship with God trust me you won't regret it. Wish you well and for your wife. Social media build and destroy relationships that's y you need to fight and be strong.


OP hasn't post in his tread for over two months ago.
Again you seem to not understand what an OP's situation is in these forums: FYI: he hooked, lined and sinker with a woman that all she wanted was a green card from the OP. Moreover, no god, nor prayer will help OP.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Kbski1451 You married for lust/love, she married for a green card.


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