# I don't even know where to start! Can't have a mature conversation about what we're g



## MamaLew (May 4, 2017)

I'm going to try and write this without making it a million miles long but there is a lot on my mind! 

My husband and I have been together since high school (17 years) married 5 and have 2 amazing kids 5 and 20 months. The last few years have been rough and haven't been the happiest for us. My husband works a lot and usually away from home but is currently working close to home for the first time in 5 years. He works all nights and they are 10 hour shifts. Sometimes with only one night off. He works through a pipe fitters union sonjobs are always changing. He was off for about 5 weeks in between jobs this time. Anyway, the first issue I'm having (he doesn't see any problem with it) is that he comes home at 6:00 am and drinks anywhere from 4 to 8+ plus drinks (beer sometimes, rum and coke most times) and if I mention it at all he gets very defensive and angry because it's like his night time and he can do whatever he wants cause he works hard, etc etc. My problem is that he is getting my 5 year old ready for school and on the bus and I guess I feel like it's a problem to drink like that on your own and almost every morning. I don't see much of him because he is usually going to bed when the baby and I get up but we have had some pretty crappy situations in the past where he has had too much to drink, been an obnoxious ******* and caused some major arguments between us so this is making me nervous. I actually cannot stand him when he's drinking. (Not nice, buts true) 

The second issue we are having is that he feels like because he works so much and provides for us and I mostly stay home with the kids (I work part time on weekends) that I should have to do everything else or at least it feels that way. I understand he works a lot and agree I should be keeping up the house and do the shopping, dishes, laundry, cleaning, cooking etc. I do everything for the kids as well and take them everywhere with me. If I ask for help with anything I get the same response. He works' he's tired, I'll do it later, whatever. So I stop asking and do as much as I can myself. I have had multiple surgeries on my dominant arm and end up in a lot of pain because I just get sick of asking for help. In his days off he keeps the same sleep pattern and sees the kids for about an hour before bed. 

Since I've had our youngest I have had insomnia and am working with my Dr to try and sort it out but can't take sleeping pills with my little guy still waking up at night. I'm exhausted and it's showing for sure. 

Today the plan was that I was taking the kids to our trailer for the night last night and my husband was getting off this morning and going to sleep for a few hours and then meet us out there and bring lunch. (His idea not mine). Just before lunch he text to say he was too tired and for is to just pack up and come home. My daughter had a birthday party to go to do he would watch the baby and I'd take her. Got home , got ready for the party and he was still too tired so I took them both. Come home 3-4 hours later and I was not felling great because the kids and I have been sick and I hadn't slept much. I asked him to get up and laid on the bed. He said he'd get up but fell back asleep. Asked him again 10 minutes later and he says ya ya I'll get up but he didn't so I got back up because I could hear the babe opening the fridge lol. So he wakes up about half an hour later and I admit I was in a bad mood and a bit short with him. He's starts going on about how I'm always in a bad mood and ruin his day blah blah blah. I ignore him because the kids are just having their snacks and playing before bed. He gets in the shower and then goes to watch to whole inputvthe kids to bed. Pretty much a typical day for us! Fast forward to a bit later, I've decided I'm going to try and start a conversation about the stuff that's been on my mind and the arguments we have over and over. Well it ends up in a big argument the same as usual. I end up telling him I need more help and I'm exhausted and feel under appreciated and disrespected blah blah blah and that I'm concerned about his drinking and that just makes him angry and he starts with how I am an unappreciate bleep and need to get my sleep figured out and I ruin everyone's day and he works hard for us to live and he will do what he wants and can drink when he wants cause he works hard blah blah blah. Same crap every time I bring it up. I have suggested councilling but he isn't willing, told me I need to figure out my crap cause hes fine. I'm miserable, I cry and he carries on being an ass and telling the things I need to do to fix all my problems but none of the solutions ever involve him. The house is in his name and he uses that against me and tells me I'd better get a good lawyer. He actually went as far as throwing his wedding ring on the couch this time and then refused to talk to me anymore. I am so tired of the childish arguments and I can't think of any other way to make this work if he is not willing at all to even try and talk like adults. Anybody have any suggestions? I'm ready to fold ?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow, a lot going on here. 

While I admire his work ethic, working hard does not excuse anyone from home and family responsibilities. Everyone needs help. It sounds like you take care of things, but he does need to participate when he is home. (once he sleeps) This is a family for both of you, not just yours. 

Working hard also does not entitle you to drink to excess, either. 

Honestly he sounds like a jerk. I used to get the same crap from my ex about how I am the problem, and I need to fix the crap that is going on with me, there is nothing wrong with him. How he is entitled to drink when and how much he wants. Been there. Newsflash for your H, should you two divorce, he will be required to pay child support and most likely spousal support as well, so dont let his threats scare you. You have zero chance of him changing unless he realizes and acknowledges his issues.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

MamaLew said:


> I'm going to try and write this without making it a million miles long but there is a lot on my mind!
> 
> My husband and I have been together since high school (17 years) married 5 and have 2 amazing kids 5 and 20 months. The last few years have been rough and haven't been the happiest for us. My husband works a lot and usually away from home but is currently working close to home for the first time in 5 years. He works all nights and they are 10 hour shifts. Sometimes with only one night off. He works through a pipe fitters union sonjobs are always changing. He was off for about 5 weeks in between jobs this time. Anyway, the first issue I'm having (he doesn't see any problem with it) is that he comes home at 6:00 am and drinks anywhere from 4 to 8+ plus drinks (beer sometimes, rum and coke most times) and if I mention it at all he gets very defensive and angry because it's like his night time and he can do whatever he wants cause he works hard, etc etc. My problem is that he is getting my 5 year old ready for school and on the bus and I guess I feel like it's a problem to drink like that on your own and almost every morning. I don't see much of him because he is usually going to bed when the baby and I get up but we have had some pretty crappy situations in the past where he has had too much to drink, been an obnoxious ******* and caused some major arguments between us so this is making me nervous. I actually cannot stand him when he's drinking. (Not nice, buts true)


What isn't nice is that your husband is getting drunk in your home while you are caring for an infant and 5 yr old. It isn't nice that he is continuing to do it after his wife has told him it's a problem for her. 

Your husband is putting alcohol above you and your marriage, and his children. The other issues in the marriage can't be addressed while he is putting alcohol above your marriage. The litmus test for alcohol addiction is when it becomes more important to you than your spouse, according to licensed psychologist Dr. Harley at Marriage Builders. Anything that comes before the marriage will come between you, and many spouses married to someone with alcohol addiction say it only gets worse. 

If I were you, I'd let him know that there are certain standards to being married to you and living with his children. If he refuses to stop drinking, he will not be able to be around you and the children. I'd start planning for a separation. Your mental health is already suffering in this situation, and likely is causing the health challenges you're going through. I'm sorry you are in this situation.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Please read up on Alcoholism. You should be able to determine if he's a problem drinker or an alcoholic. It'll probably explain a lot of the things that you're dealing with, his reactions, your anger, etc.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So much stuff going on! First, under no circumstances allow him to care for a child if he's had more than 2 drinks. If you have to, find a way to separate him from the family for that very reason. Do not bend on this, and do not berate him; simply say 'you're becoming an alcoholic and I have to protect the kids.' Don't try to argue with him about it - simply do not include him as part of the family when he's drinking. He'll have to make a choice.

I do agree that it's your job to do 90% of the housework and childcare, since you're basically a SAHM. That's what you signed up for. Should he offer to help? Yeah, but you two are in a rut so he's not going to. Read the book His Needs Her Needs; it will show you what a healthy marriage looks like and how you can get yours to be one. 

It'll start with recognizing and enforcing boundaries and consequences. But it will also involved meeting each other's needs and not lovebusting. Both of you have a long way to go in that area. 

One thing you'll learn is that you two need to be spending 10-15 hours a week together in non-job/kids/chores activities, if you want to stay in love. Time to shake things up. Give him a reason to care again.

You should be going to a therapist. By yourself. He doesn't want it, so it's pointless to drag him along - he'll nod his head and pretend to listen and care, and go home and do NOTHING about it. BTDT. I spent YEARS thinking if I could just get mine to go, it would all be fixed. After he went, and nothing improved, I chewed out the therapist and she just said "T, this was never about him; it was always about you. What you accept and what you do." She was right. Go to therapy and start learning to make YOUR life healthy; he will either choose to hop on board, or he will choose to be left behind.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

You are the primary caretaker for two kids, one of which is keeping you up at night. Your husband works an extended third shift. Of course you both are miserable. Add to the fact he doesn't help with the kids when he's home as much as you'd like and you nag him about his qualities that your don't care for (but that he finds acceptable) and suddenly you both are making each other miserable on top of it. Under those conditions, it isn't surprising in the least that you two are lashing out at each other. You both are only human.

I'm curious about something. You and your H have been together for 17 years, but only married for the past 5 years. If you don't mind me asking, how were the 12 years that that you were dating/engaged? 

Without knowing more about your exact situation, the best advice I can give is for both of you to get some sleep. Seriously. Get. Some. Sleep. While the 5 year old is at school and the 20 month old is taking his nap, the best thing for you both is to cuddle up together and take a nap - and you both need to make a deal while doing so - no criticizing, no condescending, and no nagging - from either of you. Make cuddle nap time a something to look forward to in the day. Wear a sexy nighty, ask him to wear whatever pjs you like on him. If it leads to sex, great. If not, no big deal. The point is for you both to spend time together in a safe and comforting environment and to remind both of you of your attraction to each other. If you have chores, they can wait. Treat this as a priority to your day. No divorcee ever said, "God I miss being married, but thank goodness I got the lawn mowed every week..." 

I think once you both make time for each other in that way, the other things will start to fall into place...

Good luck to you.


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## MamaLew (May 4, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> Wow, a lot going on here.
> 
> While I admire his work ethic, working hard does not excuse anyone from home and family responsibilities. Everyone needs help. It sounds like you take care of things, but he does need to participate when he is home. (once he sleeps) This is a family for both of you, not just yours.
> 
> ...


Sounds exactly like what we have going on! He isn't willing to budge and I'm running out of fight.


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## MamaLew (May 4, 2017)

Jessica38 said:


> What isn't nice is that your husband is getting drunk in your home while you are caring for an infant and 5 yr old. It isn't nice that he is continuing to do it after his wife has told him it's a problem for her.
> 
> Your husband is putting alcohol above you and your marriage, and his children. The other issues in the marriage can't be addressed while he is putting alcohol above your marriage. The litmus test for alcohol addiction is when it becomes more important to you than your spouse, according to licensed psychologist Dr. Harley at Marriage Builders. Anything that comes before the marriage will come between you, and many spouses married to someone with alcohol addiction say it only gets worse.
> 
> If I were you, I'd let him know that there are certain standards to being married to you and living with his children. If he refuses to stop drinking, he will not be able to be around you and the children. I'd start planning for a separation. Your mental health is already suffering in this situation, and likely is causing the health challenges you're going through. I'm sorry you are in this situation.


Exactly!! It doesn't matter how hard we try to work out the other stuff if he isn't willing to even discuss the issues I have with his drinking. He has always enjoyed drinking but we have had a lot of issues because of it since the kids came along, they are my top priority and he doesn't understand why it bothers me so much now and didn't before. It isn't that it didn't bother me before but I didn't bring it up as much and now feel like it's not something I want our kids to be exposed to. I really don't know what else to do and have been gathering some info on childcare, job hunting etc so I can have a fulltime job if nothing changes fast! I am certain that is contributing to some of my health issues as well.. Thanks for your input, I appreciate it!


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## MamaLew (May 4, 2017)

turnera said:


> So much stuff going on! First, under no circumstances allow him to care for a child if he's had more than 2 drinks. If you have to, find a way to separate him from the family for that very reason. Do not bend on this, and do not berate him; simply say 'you're becoming an alcoholic and I have to protect the kids.' Don't try to argue with him about it - simply do not include him as part of the family when he's drinking. He'll have to make a choice.
> 
> I do agree that it's your job to do 90% of the housework and childcare, since you're basically a SAHM. That's what you signed up for. Should he offer to help? Yeah, but you two are in a rut so he's not going to. Read the book His Needs Her Needs; it will show you what a healthy marriage looks like and how you can get yours to be one.
> 
> ...


Yes! Lots going on for sure!! I totally signed up to be a SAHM and agree that 90% of those duties are mine and that is what we agreed on. Just wanting a partner sometimes and maybe 15 minutes of downtime to shower alone while he's awake without him groaning about it. I will definitely grab that book and am thinking you are right about me trying therapy on my own.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Your goal in therapy needs to be learning to stop WAITING for your husband to do what YOU want. You can't change another person. All you can do is change what YOU do and - as my IC told me - once you stop propping him up, he'll have a choice: learn to stand up on his own or fall flat on his face, and THEN learn to stand up on his own.


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## MamaLew (May 4, 2017)

Edo Edo said:


> You are the primary caretaker for two kids, one of which is keeping you up at night. Your husband works an extended third shift. Of course you both are miserable. Add to the fact he doesn't help with the kids when he's home as much as you'd like and you nag him about his qualities that your don't care for (but that he finds acceptable) and suddenly you both are making each other miserable on top of it. Under those conditions, it isn't surprising in the least that you two are lashing out at each other. You both are only human.
> 
> I'm curious about something. You and your H have been together for 17 years, but only married for the past 5 years. If you don't mind me asking, how were the 12 years that that you were dating/engaged?
> 
> ...



I don't mind you asking at all!! The 12 years before we were married were OK, I think that the drinking became a problem for me when the kids came along. Our now 5 year old was 4 months old when we got married. I think because I could just leave the situation if I wasn't enjoying myself or had an issue with how much he had to drink it was easier. I drank more socially then too and now don't drink because I'd rather spend time with the kids when we do social things. I also didn't often ask him for much because I would just go ahead and do it myself whereas now I find myself asking for help with things like painting or cutting grass etc because they are things I can't do while I'm watching the kids. Things seemed to be fine before we were married but simply because it was easier for him then and I honestly think the big changes happened when we had kids not got married. He says I have changed and I'm no "fun" anymore and I'm sad that he hasn't changed at all. It isn't like having kids was an accident. I feel like it is necessary to make changes as we adapt as a family and he feels like there is no need to do anything any differently because it worked for us for all the years before.

Sleep is definitely needed and the nap idea is a great idea! He is usual fast asleep after night shift by that time of afternoon but I'm sure we can figure something like that out. I have also asked him to cut the extra hours at work for while. H|e doesn't want to or see the need but I am going to talk to him more about how important it is to be home a bit more. Right now we see each other very little! Thanks for your great advice


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

MamaLew said:


> I'm going to try and write this without making it a million miles long but there is a lot on my mind!
> 
> My husband and I have been together since high school (17 years) married 5 and have 2 amazing kids 5 and 20 months. The last few years have been rough and haven't been the happiest for us. My husband works a lot and usually away from home but is currently working close to home for the first time in 5 years. He works all nights and they are 10 hour shifts. Sometimes with only one night off. He works through a pipe fitters union sonjobs are always changing. He was off for about 5 weeks in between jobs this time. Anyway, the first issue I'm having (he doesn't see any problem with it) is that he comes home at 6:00 am and drinks anywhere from 4 to 8+ plus drinks (beer sometimes, rum and coke most times) and if I mention it at all he gets very defensive and angry because it's like his night time and he can do whatever he wants cause he works hard, etc etc. My problem is that he is getting my 5 year old ready for school and on the bus and I guess I feel like it's a problem to drink like that on your own and almost every morning. I don't see much of him because he is usually going to bed when the baby and I get up but we have had some pretty crappy situations in the past where he has had too much to drink, been an obnoxious ******* and caused some major arguments between us so this is making me nervous. I actually cannot stand him when he's drinking. (Not nice, buts true)
> 
> ...


You are married to a problem drinker maybe even an alcoholic. No doubt he works hard and maybe even a high functioning alcoholic, they use alcoholic to de-stress at the end of the day. His attitude is I work hard bring home the bacon so I should be able to do what I want. It is always about them, their needs, their selfishness, alcohol is a cruel mistress believe me. It also creates so much danger for you and your children. Driving while drunk etc.

Unless he recognises he has a problem, he will do nothing about it and it will get worse.
Contact and go to your nearest Al-Anon meetings, this will help you deal with his drinking and bad behaviour. Do you have a support network you can turn to, friends, family, that might take the kids of your hands a few times a week so you can have a break? 
Read the book by Co-Dependent No More by Melodie Beattie. You have to start disengaging with him.This kind of life will destroy you unless you are very strong and it is not good for the kids.
Speaking with and listening to others in Al-Anon will help you place where you are. Arm yourself with knowledge of alcoholism. You can never argue with an alcoholic, they will always have an answer and you are always in the wrong. 

From now on, you have to protect yourself and your kids, no arguing with him, no asking for help, start squirreling away money. If when he is sober he wants to talk with you why you are emotionally removing yourself, explain calmly why, no fighting. If possible when he is fighting and angry, record him with your smart phone as he will probably deny it happened, that is what drinkers do, they wreak havoc and the next day have forgotten but you are left a mentally and emotionally bruised mess. Stop engaging.

Do this for some time and then see how you feel. If his drinking escalates it might be time to consider moving out, start getting your ducks in a row. Some will do the work necessary if they are going to lose their family. 
Mine drank for years, I threatened for years. Almost walked out when kids little, he stopped but when the coast was clear started again. I wasn't armed with the information I am now, there was so much I didn't know, I thought that if he loved me he wouldnt do these things but that is not how it works.

The most recent time I told him if he continued to drink it was a deal breaker for me, I would leave, and I could, I got a job, kids were gone, he knew my resolve and he got the help he needed. He has been dry for 14 months and our marriage is slowly healing, at least it is easier to engage with him. We are not out of the woods because sometimes I haven't fully dealt with the resentment.
Don't succumb to the crazy cycle it will destroy you, do something now.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

He is immature. He doesn't want to take responsibility for his actions like a man should do. This is how my marriage is. So independent of each other. He does whatever he wants to do and doesn't care what you think or feel because he "works so hard". And you are stuck having to deal with it and just "be happy". It's a joke. They want the good with the marriage but not the bad or the responsibility. 
Husbands and wives should work together to make each other happy. We're suppose to be a team. When one person does what he wants and expects you to be ok with it, it's not longer a team.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

katiecrna said:


> Husbands and wives should work together to make each other happy. We're suppose to be a team. When one person does what he wants and expects you to be ok with it, it's not longer a team.


I love this! Full truth simply stated!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You guys sound like me and my first husband. We were together for 12 years then had kids. He never grew up. I finally left him, took the three kids and just literally walked out the front door. He never DID grow up. Sad.


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