# backsliding help



## separation anxiety (Aug 10, 2009)

First time posting.

I would really like some opinions on my situation as I am loosing my mind right now.

My wife and I were married 11 years, 2 kids age 3 and 5.
Friday Aug 7 I told my wife i want to separate and am living in an apartment right now. 

We had been in councelling last year starting in June and she decided to halt sessions in March this year because she wasnt "connecting" with the therapist. She then decided to seek the help of a seeer/cardreader/lifecoach since April and still sees her. 


I will go into the details of what has happened this year. It is involved, just bear with me.

When my wife was 16, the first guy she had sex with got her pregnant, and she had an abortion. It was significant to what has happened now. At the time, her mother didnt support her, told her not to tell anyone, even her dad so she never really dealt with it. The boyfriend treated her like crap.

After dealing with this with her for years, I understand she never felt good about herself because of the abortion, and never felt she should enjoy life, always sabotaging relationships and gravitating toward guys like the one that got her pregnant. 

Over the years, it seemed i was always dealing with her issues and it has been quite the emotional drain. Don't get me wrong, i believe myself to be a giving person, committed to the marraige through good and bad, but in reality it has been quite the struggle.

I started having suspicions about my wife this spring, and i found out she was interested in a guy. More of an obsessive infatuation. I don't believe there was any sex, but it was more of an emotional connection. The guy seems out of the picture for now. he basically wanted sex, and she wanted an emotional connection so she closed off communication. 

This is where it may get a little nuts.

When i told my wife friday i wanted to separate i told her i knew about this guy since April. She played it down as a casual flirtation, and that he pursued her.

She said he was significant because he represented the same guy who got her pregnant years ago, so she had to work out her feelings with this guy to get past all the crap from before. 

There is alot more detail to this story, but i dont want to loose anyone, and just want to give a brief overview. 

The main issue right now is she wants me back, and its been really tough.
We are working together to have the kids 50/50, but it is aweful not being with them half the time. Being out of your home is making me feel so lost, cant function. It would be so easy to go back right now because she is doing and saying all the things that should have happened years ago. 
The reasons for me to separate has been the years of issues with her, and the fact that she was gravitating to this guy.

So she is working on her issues as she promised, and tells me- now that i caught her- that this guy was more therapeutic than a fling. 

I know there are worse cases out there from reading other posts, but i am feeling so terrible right now. 

My heart wants to just go back and the kids would be happy. 
My mind tells me, stay away for at least 3-6 months to see if she actually is true to her word. 

I just need some reinforcement to stay strong. 


Any views are greatly appreciated.


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## Flutterby (Aug 6, 2009)

Well, I think it's wrong to try to keep a marriage together "for the kids". I don't HAVE children, but I am the product of a divided family. My mother raised my sister and me alone for the sake of her own happiness, and I applaud her for being so strong. 

Just being in your children's lives as much as possible, is good for them. 

Your wife should seek some therapy. I have also got some unresolved issues with an abortion that I had many many years ago. My circumstances were quite different, and due to medical reasons, but there is absolutely some post traumatic stress involved. If your wife never worked through those issues, they will stay a part of her forever.

The most important thing is that if your wife was seeking a connection with this other guy as a respresentation of the past love, I wonder if she has issues discussing certain things with you. Closure should happen with that guy in particular, not some representation of him, or it will NEVER be actual closure.

When I was dating my Husband, I contacted my ex-husband via email. I was trying to get closure on some issues from our failed marriage. My husband (boyfriend at the time) read the emails and left me, thinking that I wanted to try to work things out with the ex. Truth was, I needed an apology. I needed to know that I was not over reacting to the things that he put me through, I needed closure....

Be supportive. If there is nothing else wrong in your marriage, I would go home, get your wife some counseling, maybe even see if you can sit in on some sessions. If there are other underlying issues, however, that make you want the separation, stay away and know that the kids will be fine and so will you.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I think your gut is right! You sense that this may be a temporary thing on her part. She isn't cured after a week!

She needs to have some individual counseling. You may too. 

The first thing in reconciliation of marriages is for each person to admit their faults and ask for forgiveness. Then when each has done that...there needs to be a williness to work on the marriage. 

If I were you, I would work on the marriage while separated. See how she reacts. Obviously things were pretty bad in order for you to separate. Now that it's done use it as a tool for reconciliation. See where it leads. She needs to do the work and so do you.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I know it is hard on you being seperated, especially since it is new right now. But remember it is hard on her as well. She is in the family home with all the memories - good and bad. It is tougher than you think on her. Believe me.

If you see her working on her issues - really working on them - then there is hope as you know. She says she wants you back with them. Since this is your choice to seperate it is your choice to go back when the time is right. You need to be patient with her. People can change, but even heartfelt change takes time. It can be like learning to walk all over again.

Believe me. I'm the one doing change in my relationship. And I'm the one in the family home -- it drives me crazy at times.


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## separation anxiety (Aug 10, 2009)

Thank you all so much for the responses. Feeling much better and more of a focus on what road(s) i need to take here.
You are right Flutterby, being with the children is good for them. We are rational at this point and it looks like we will equally be involved in their lives so that won't change at all...and staying together for the children is not a reason to stay together although i thought that for years. Now i think it best to stay apart for the kids.

My wife has always been secretive and with many issues, so yes she is having difficulty telling me what's really going on. This other guy who was "therapeutic" was a harmless flirtation and he was the pursuer in her words. I know for a fact from other sources that she was very much infatuated with him and would have been with him had he not dumped her. The lack of honesty here is the deal breaker for me in order to move forward. I even brought it up when we were in a therapy session and she denied anyone else was in the picture (this is before i confronted her). She may never tell the truth and therapy is pointless without honesty.

I cannot get past the deception and lies. The fact that she never slept with the guy-and i believe it- it makes no difference to me. Trust is a basic fundamental.

She is getting councelling with a card reader......yes a card reader. She did agree to go back to the family therapist.
The entire marraige has been a collection if issues for her, so she definitely needs to sort out quite a bit. Not to say everything is her fault, it takes 2 to tango as they say. I don't want to portray a one sided scenario. The major personal crisis is presently hers and is the catalyst for the present circumstance.

Thanks Corpuswife, I think you are right about maintaining the separation, as easy as it would be to move back in, the distance would be very constructive for both parties. There are other issues as well, but this post would be too long. Just wanted to give an overview.
She promised to correct everything, blamed herself for all the problems we have, and blamed herself for all of my misery. 
I am thinking she got caught, and I left her. Had she had this conversation before I separated it would be different. 
Time will tell if she means what she says. The full disclosure is a deal breaker for me. 
Thanks Fellingalone, yesterday was really bad for both of us. I called her last night just to see how the kids were, as i had them all day. I broke down and so did she. The separation time from the kids is tough, and the disorientation of not being the same is really upsetting. 
Patience in this matter is really key, very very hard to do but it is key. 

Thank you all for this. It really reinforces me to stick with it. 
Going back now would be a betrayal to myself.

Thanks.


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## Jessica2009 (Aug 8, 2009)

I keep backsliding myself as I am also the one who asked for the separation. But I keep telling myself the "easy" thing to do may not necessarily be the "right" thing to do. Both of you can take this time apart to re-evaluate things..or if you feel like taking the leap to trust her, move back in. Either way, assure your children that you both still love them. Children have a hard time with change, but they adapt surprisingly well with a little comfort and reassurance.

Stay strong.. good luck to you!


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## separation anxiety (Aug 10, 2009)

Thanks Jessica2009. So true, it would be so easy to move back but not for the right reasons. Only time will tell.
Kids have their moments but overall they are coping as best as they can. Just giving them all the love that i can.

All your thoughts are very helpful, so thank you all very much.


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## Jessica2009 (Aug 8, 2009)

ok, don't laugh, but have you thought of going to a card-reading session with your wife? Just a thought, but maybe if you gave in to her beliefs (psychics, etc), she might be willing to give in to yours more (traditional therapy). If nothing else, it could be interesting.. and it might make her feel loved and supported by you, which could turn things around for her.. just be sure not to ridicule it! Have a conversation about it afterwards - could help the two of you reconnect on some level.

Again, just a thought..


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## separation anxiety (Aug 10, 2009)

I actually did speak with the card reader to understand the whole process. It isn't for me but it does seem to help her. My main concern was our joint therapy was abruptly stopped by her, and she proceeded to start her own therapy(card reader) and we weren't progressing. She definitely needs the therapy on her own for her own issues so that positive, but as a couple i felt we were stagnant. 
However, we are going to a joint therapy session with the original therapist next week. 
I just have to decide if i really want to work on the marriage or just move on. The breach of trust has been very difficult to get past. Its all a fog right now, and I'm sticking to staying separated to see how things unfold and determine her true intensions.......if that is possible to ever know.


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