# Sister in law aka friend of his ex visiting



## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

My bf lives with me for five years now. His sister, husband and toddler will visit us in a few months.

She is still friends with his ex-fwb. I understand she is her long time friend and always will be. Still it makes me uncomfortable and insecure.

The fwb tried all she could to break us up back than. No contact between him and her for years.

Sister never wanted to hear my side of the story and acted like I'm not open minded enough. 

Anyhow, advice on how to stay calm while they are here is welcome.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

How long are they staying? What are your accommodations for them? Are you expected to completely change your schedule for them?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> Anyhow, advice on how to stay calm while they are here is welcome.


Can you be more specific? Like, are you expecting her to be rude to you in some way? Are you expecting the sister to bring up the ex-fwb to your H? Are you thinking she might try to do something to create instability in your relationship? 

How has your relationship been with her in the last few years? I mean, if your H and the ex-fwb haven't communicated in years and years, I would expect that the ex-fwb has also moved on from your H and probably has other fish to fry. Has sister also moved on from whatever she was hoping for her brother and her friend, or has she expressed otherwise more recently?


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> How long are they staying? What are your accommodations for them? Are you expected to completely change your schedule for them?




The father is staying for ten days, sister with husband and daughter will stay around a week. Sister is six months pregnant by then.



Last time sister stayed in our house, until her FWB arrived too. They were in a hotel then.



Our house isn't big enough for all these visitors, so they'll have to arrange their own stay.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

norajane said:


> Can you be more specific? Like, are you expecting her to be rude to you in some way? Are you expecting the sister to bring up the ex-fwb to your H? Are you thinking she might try to do something to create instability in your relationship?
> 
> How has your relationship been with her in the last few years? I mean, if your H and the ex-fwb haven't communicated in years and years, I would expect that the ex-fwb has also moved on from your H and probably has other fish to fry. Has sister also moved on from whatever she was hoping for her brother and her friend, or has she expressed otherwise more recently?




The sister told me that his ex-FWB will always be a close family friend. She refused to talk with me about my uneasy feelings. I hope she will not be a renewed connection between them.



I tried to become closer to her the first years, but because of totally different lifestyles and morals, we couldn't get along. 

She and her friend share that lifestyle though.

So because of her refusing to settle things, I gave up on her and we didn't communicate for a long time now.



As far as I know, ex-FWB is still single. Basically I'm scared she will say to my partner that I'm too boring(no drugs, free sex etc.) and he will start doubting his life with me. Ex-FWB and sister tried this before, long time ago.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> Basically I'm scared she will say to my partner that I'm too boring(no drugs, free sex etc.) and he will start doubting his life with me.


Is this something you could talk with him about? You don't have to bring his sister or the ex-fwb into it, just ask how he's feeling these days about your life together and his change in lifestyle.

The easiest way to let anything she says or does just roll off your back is if you just consider her antics as ridiculous. It's easier to achieve that if you have the confidence and reassurance that you need from your partner about the strength of your relationship, and that he isn't wishing to go back to his old days and ways. 

Maybe there's a part of him that would like to keep partying like he used to because it was fun without responsibility, but maybe a bigger part of him loves his life now and loves what you two have together. Have you two talked about this kind of stuff recently? If not, it might help and could bring you closer.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Is your sister-in law in an open marriage? The last time see visited she brought her husband and FWB? Is she actually married?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

JohnA said:


> Is your sister-in law in an open marriage? The last time see visited she brought her husband and FWB? Is she actually married?


I'm curious about this as well.

Cat. Your boyfriend needs to put the kabosh on any impropriety.

His ex fvckbuddy has no place in his life or yours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

@norajane: We did talk about this and he says he loves it here with me and our life together. 

But being around his family last time made it clear he is coming from a way different background. It was rather scary to me to see how they live...


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

After five years why has he not married you?


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

catfan said:


> @norajane: We did talk about this and he says he loves it here with me and our life together.
> 
> But being around his family last time made it clear he is coming from a way different background. It was rather scary to me to see how they live...


Yeah, no. As the plans have already been made, it will be hard to change them now. However, I don't think that you should be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home.

In this case, I'd say that the next time, they'll have to stay in a hotel.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

JohnA said:


> Is your sister-in law in an open marriage? The last time see visited she brought her husband and FWB? Is she actually married?




A few years back her FWB came also, after that she met her now husband. I don't know if they are in an open marriage. She still goes places with her ex-FWB, like concerts etc. without her husband.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> After five years why has he not married you?




We are engaged, but no immediate plans to get married.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

@Omego:

They will have to make plans to stay somewhere. I was very clear we have not enough room here.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> I'm curious about this as well.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




We had a lot of trouble in the beginning of our relationship, as he wanted to stay (inappropriate) friends. As it's obviously normal in his family 



I made it very clear this was not acceptable for me and no contact was my request.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Here is the thing of the matter. Nothing is ever a problem - UNTIL IT IS. 

That is why healthy boundaries are important. They protect what is precious to us and preserves them. I am sixty years old with 3 Sibs. No one ever child proofed a home back in the day, my parents did not. So four healthy adult chiildren with no child proofing the home. So why did all three of my sibs child proof their homes? While I never had children I to would have child proof my home. 

Marriage and parenthood are precious, protect them. As to how-that is one of those things you need to discuss with your spouse.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would take this time before they come to read a book: His Needs Her Needs. Ask your bf to do the questionnaires with you after you read the book. You'll learn more about what really motivates him, and what makes him unhappy, so you can direct your actions toward meeting all his top Emotional Needs and so you can eliminate any Love Busters. By doing this, his feelings for you will become strengthened, so much that any attempts to draw him away will likely be ignored.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

catfan said:


> @*norajane*: *We did talk about this and he says he loves it here with me and our life together. *
> 
> But being around his family last time made it clear he is coming from a way different background. It was rather scary to me to see how they live...


Then you've got all the tools you need - your fiance has already reassured you of how he feels about your life, and that he doesn't want to go backwards. Don't get paranoid about his thoughts and feelings - he's shared with you where his head is at these days. Trust in that.

No matter what his sister may say or do, it's nothing in the grand scheme of things. I have an extremely different life than most of my family. And I like it that way. Nothing any of them says would get me to change my mind. It sounds like your fiance feels the same way.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Actually there are people who are fine, but may be toxic to a relationship. So how can you allow a person who is poly around your marriage when you are not. By first demanding they support your choice and not ever suggest to either party a poly relationship would be better. Second by both spouses having a clear understanding of how you both respond to this person. 

Look neither I or any of my Sibs would have ever expect to sleep with a person in my parents house if we where not married. Christ, one sib was living with someone and my parents did stay with them with no problem. But bring that person into there home, in the same bed? That's why God invented hotels, use them.


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