# He left...out of the blue, he left, I'm devasted



## raising5boyz

I'm so confused and hurt. I just don't understand. I thought we had a wonderful marriage. Yeah with have trivial problems, but I thought that was all. Then Thurs he comes home acting very strange, really quite and just sitting and staring. When I asked him what was going on, he told me he's not happy and hasn't been for a long time, and doesn't think he can be. He stayed at home Thurs night, but Friday near the end of the workday he aclled to say hewouldn't be coming home. He needs time to think and clear his head. I was able to get him to tell me some if issues. They are; He doesn't think I enforce what he says about the kids. He doesn't like me being suspicious of his activites, even if I think I have a reason to be. A little background: We've been married 3 1/2 years. This is his 3rd marriage and my 2nd. I thought we would be together forever. I am so happy in this marriage. He always said he was happy. We live a VERY stressfull life. Shortly before we married, his ex brought his 4 kids over and said, Here they are, they're yours." That added to my 4 children from my previous marriage, within a year we had a child together as well. So that makes 9 kids we've been taking care of. It's not easy. We are also businees owners. And everyone knows what the economy is like right now. So we're barely making ends meet. Before we were married, there was infidelity on his part, so I am insecure, and question him if things don't seem right. He has sometimes seemed hurt by the accusations and questions, but usually he just takes me in his arms and reassured me that I am his world and he would never do anything to ruin our marriage. He is kind and considerate. He is loving. We've always had a good bedroom life, although the frequency is less, but it's still between 1 and 4 times a week. I often ask if he is happy, and if theres anything that needs to change....he has always said he's happy... at least till two days ago. Last night he said he would call last night or today. He hasn't yet, and I'm going crazy trying not to call him. He hasn't even given me a chance to fix the problems that I didn't know were there. Help! I'm loosing him!


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## draconis

As far as the fact that he had cheated in the past. You need to forgive but not forget. No one can live the next 50 years with a strike already against them. But you need to have boundries too. Let him know that it isn't something you can forgive again.

As far as the kids go, I agree with him. You need to have a united front or the kids will play you two again each other. The parents will always lose. That is not to say that you should stand by while he or anyone else abuses them, but you need to have uniform rules and if need be ask each other their opinion so you are both always saying the same thing.

Try to reach him and say you want to talk to him. tell him you want the chance to start over and so you both can fix the problems and communicate better. When he talks listen to him and don't feel you have to defend yourself. Ask that he does the same with you.

9 kids? Bless you.

draconis


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## raising5boyz

I guess I didn't realize how much things were bothering him. He is very laid back. He never expressed the extent of his frustration. If we disagreed about the kids, he would just shrug and say, They're your kids, do what you think is right." So, I would. Even if I asked for his opinion he would say, "What do you think?" I would answer and he would say then thats what you should do. I would ask questions when he would work late about where he's been and why it's taking so long. When I found out he was in a nearby city for over a week when I thought he was at work in a city 1 1/2 hours away, I had questions....he couldn't even give me a good answer, he just said that was over a month ago. I must of had to pick up supplies or something there. I questioned suspicious behavior only. I've caught him lying to me about stupid things like smoking when he said he quit. It's really hard to build trust when theres lying going on.. I would tell him, I can handle the smoking (he knows I don't like it) but I don't do well with lying. I feel so stupid now. I just really, truely, didn't know he was unhappy.


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## Guest

Oh my goodness, 9 kids and self employed!! That is a monumental task the two of you are dealing with. Both of you have got to find a way to communicate. There are a number of books that are recommended on this site and hopefully he can put his mind to it too. I would think he will come back and is blowing off steam, but likely you would know better as you know this guy.

As for smoking, hat's off to him when he finally kicks it (if he does). I quit 5 years ago and my wife said at that time she wanted to shove a whole pack down my throat I was so difficult to deal with. Give him lots of reenforcement and support. With all the stress you two got, he probably is using it as a support mechanism. Advise from me, if he is keep an eye on that he doesn't replace it with something else. I did with bear and video games.

good luck to you and my heart goes out to you.


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## 827Aug

Sorry to hear what an awful time you're having. So, he left his four children from his previous marriage with you?! I definately think he will be back. That is strange. There must be something deeper than just your marriage on his mind. It sounds to me as though the little problems in your marriage could be excuses. Maybe it is the state of the business. From what I've been going thru, I would say give him at least a week to think things over.

I hope someone is available to help you with the children. That's a huge responsibility.


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## raising5boyz

thanks for the advice and friendly words. I'll take anything I can get right now. His kids are visiting there mother for the weekend. And if he is done, they will go back to living with her. Which is a whole other issue. She lives in an old 2 bedroom trailer. So with her husband, thats 6 people living there. His kids are way better off here, but I can't raise 9 kids by myself. Five will be difficult enough. And my 4 from my previous marriage aren't allowed to see their real dad because he's in the process of going to jail for assualting my oldest last year. I'm am stressed to the max!


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## Guest

My wife and I haven't been able to have children, she is 40 and I am 38. We might be able to take a couple off your hands for a little while. 


Hang in there, we're all here to support each other.


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## raising5boyz

WOW! Now that's an offer! How bout just for a week or two till I get my head on straight??? lol :smthumbup:


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## Guest

If I wasn't such a basket case right now I would.  

I got a feeling you'll find strength from them. Pull them in tight and give em lots of love.


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## raising5boyz

He still hasn't called. Yesterday he said he would call last night or today. Still no call. I'm trying so hard not to call him since he asked for time to clear his head.


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## raising5boyz

Thanks Jason. I'm trying to hold it together for them, but they know somethings wrong. We went swimming at the y today. That was purely for them, but it was a good distraction for me as well. Lots of hugs and kisses for the kids. I would do anything to keep them happy and content.


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## voivod

raising5boyz said:


> He still hasn't called. Yesterday he said he would call last night or today. Still no call. I'm trying so hard not to call him since he asked for time to clear his head.


ok, he might not call. that's ok. that'll give you some time.

your fear of him and adultery is common in a situation such as yours, maybe some self -esteen issues there. therapy (read forward) would certainly help you with that.

he's displaying a particular kind of agression toward you with his "non-activity." like when he would purposefully make you take the lead with the kids, now he's not calling you when he said he would. that is actually an agressive behavior. nothing to be alarmed about. he' just never learned another way to deal with "issues."

individual therapy would help you to understand this type of behavior, but just "understanding" it is probably not your ultimate goal.

he will eventually call, or come back. when that time comes, keep in mind that his techniques to deal with issues is to NOT deal with them, so be prepared for that when you ask him to attend therapy sessions. tell him (since you ARE gonna go) that "i've learned some amazing new things about what is happening with us, and i just wanted you to hear it from someone other than me."

good luck, relax, take a breath. oh, and say a prayer. He listens.

** and every time you see the word "therapy" in my post, substitute the word "counseling." it sound less clinical.


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## raising5boyz

Thank You! That actually helps. I will be finding a therapist first thing Monday morning. I think I'm going to get a way for a few days, It's just too hard to be here waiting. The question is, do I take my cell phone or not? I'm probably being vindictive, but I want him to wonder and be worried about me. Maybe that would help him realize how much he does love me. A friend of mine says her husband has done this before when life gets really stressfull. And then after a cooling off he will come home and tell her the real problem, which usually isn't related to what he said when he left. I hope he comes home. I miss him terrribly. But at this point I'm also mad. I wish I could just run and hide and not deal with things when I'm upset. But I can't. Life keeps going, and I have to try to keep up.


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## 827Aug

At least your friend and I share the same opinion. A little vacation for you is a great idea! Take your cell phone, but don't answer it.

If you are open-minded, I have a book recomendation for you. There's a book by Sonia Choquette tittled "Ask Your Guides". It is a new age book and really gave me a whole new outlook on things. In addition, I never feel alone or overwhelmed now. I think it might give you some peace since you have so much to deal with. In fact, I told my counselor about the book a few weeks ago. She loved it and is recomeding it to other patients.

God bless you!


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## raising5boyz

Update: That damn jerk told me it was over by sending me a text message. He still hasn't called and won't respond to my texts. In the text ending our marriage he said he would try to call later to talk about it. That was yesterday at 3pm. The only explanantion is another woman. He says he already has a house for him and his kids to move into. His credit is horrible, and he has no money for a deposit. Somethings fishy there. He knows he's wrong, and thats why he can't face me to talk about it. He said he can't be himself around me. His life was a mess before he met me. I guess that must be how he likes it, and thats what he wants to go back to. His true colors have shown now. I desserve better. This kind wonderful husband and father hasn't even bothered to ask how his son is doing, or how the other 4 kids are that he's been a father ro for the last 4 years. That spells loser in my book. Time to cut my losses, let the wounds heal, and carry on with my life. No more waiting and wondering. He's going to lose everything is worked so hard for, for the last 4 years. Sucks to be him.


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## *Aceso*

I'm so sorry to hear this. But I guess now you know where you stand. What a coward, though. Why couldn't he come over and talk to you face to face like you deserve? Be strong and don't take any more BS from him. You and the kids deserve better. 
Sending lots of hugs your way.


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## Sprite

I like your attitude. He doesn't deserve you, but it doesn't make it any easier for you to deal with. I wish you and all the kids all the luck in the world on getting through this.


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## voivod

raising5boyz said:


> Update: That damn jerk told me it was over by sending me a text message. He still hasn't called and won't respond to my texts. In the text ending our marriage he said he would try to call later to talk about it. That was yesterday at 3pm. The only explanantion is another woman. He says he already has a house for him and his kids to move into. His credit is horrible, and he has no money for a deposit. Somethings fishy there. He knows he's wrong, and thats why he can't face me to talk about it. He said he can't be himself around me. His life was a mess before he met me. I guess that must be how he likes it, and thats what he wants to go back to. His true colors have shown now. I desserve better. This kind wonderful husband and father hasn't even bothered to ask how his son is doing, or how the other 4 kids are that he's been a father ro for the last 4 years. That spells loser in my book. Time to cut my losses, let the wounds heal, and carry on with my life. No more waiting and wondering. He's going to lose everything is worked so hard for, for the last 4 years. Sucks to be him.


his behavior is childish, but you know that. you mentioned financial difficulties in an early post. i wonder, does he gamble? if he has a big "out of sight, out of mind" debt such as to a bookie/loan shark, maybe he's (literally) running scared and trying to hide.

the only reason i ask is because this is such severe behavior for a guy who sound like NEEDS you for survival.


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## raising5boyz

Now what do I do??? We finalle talked on the phone. We argued and he held strong that he couldn't give it anymore time. No counseling , nothing. Then about an hour later, after he realized I hadn't been home, he went toi our house to get some things. At that point he found the door locks changed, The passwords to our email and bank accounts changed. He texted me really upset sayign that he couldn't believe I would do that to him. What nerve for hime to even say that. My response was that since he had't been willing ot talk to me, I had no idea what was going on and had to do things to protect myself and my children. and that is really sucks when theres no communication, and that had there been effective communication things would be different. Within 30 minutes I got another text saying he is willing to work on our marriage, and seek counseling. Total and complete turn around. What is up wiht his guy??? Did he just realize I could screw him over and not want that to happen? Is he really sincere about giving us another go? Do I even wan thim back knowing he's capable of this kind of behavior??? 
:scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:

By the way, thank you so much for all of the words of encouragement. It helps so much. Oh and my friend was so wonderful the past two days. She kept my kids entertained and practiaclly waited on me hand and foot while I let all of my emotions out. Theirs no amount of thanks I can give her to re-pay her for this.


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## voivod

dude knows he's playing you. this is as close to emotional abuse as i can believe. if he doesn't know that, he's as dumb as a box of hammers.


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## raising5boyz

Emotional abuse? Really? On his part right? Not mine, right? I guess I'm a little confused, can you explain it to me? I saw him tongiht. We met at a restaurant and talked. He was ticked off at first. Still mad aboout the locks, bank account, etc. Then he simmered down and we actually started talking. He seems to be shocked and dismayed that I didn't see his unhappiness and make some changes. He so confuses me. He tries to be mad at me, but I see little glimpses of his love for me. I'm really wondering if it is just stess and maybe deep down he thinks he's failing to provide for us and thinks I'm better off without him. I don't know what to think.


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## swedish

Did he explain what he meant by 'he already has a house for him and his kids'? I would be careful here, only because of his sudden change in direction once he didn't have access to the things you share. I think you need to talk a lot more so you get a sense for where his anger is coming from...you need some reassurance that he is sincere about trying and not going to abandon you the minute it's not working for him. I'm sure 9 kids makes for a very busy life but if the two of you talk, compromising on how you raise them will probably make a big difference. You both need to want to be a united front and forge ahead together for this to work & openly talk if it's not.


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## voivod

raising5boyz said:


> Emotional abuse? Really? On his part right? Not mine, right? I guess I'm a little confused, can you explain it to me? I saw him tongiht. We met at a restaurant and talked. He was ticked off at first. Still mad aboout the locks, bank account, etc. Then he simmered down and we actually started talking. He seems to be shocked and dismayed that I didn't see his unhappiness and make some changes. He so confuses me. He tries to be mad at me, but I see little glimpses of his love for me. I'm really wondering if it is just stess and maybe deep down he thinks he's failing to provide for us and thinks I'm better off without him. I don't know what to think.


you wrote: In the text ending our marriage he said he would try to call later to talk about it. That was yesterday at 3pm. The only explanantion is another woman. He says he already has a house for him and his kids to move into. 

"him and the kids? not YOU? and "another woman?"

he's found another house to live in, then he tells you:

Within 30 minutes I got another text saying he is willing to work on our marriage, and seek counseling. Total and complete turn around. 

i think HE'S playing with YOUR emotions. don't you?


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## raising5boyz

Yeah, I agree. It's all so confusing. One minute he's saying what are gonna do babe? and the next minute he's saying I need my kids stuff so I can get them settled in. I really don't think the whole problem has been disclosed yet. He held me in his arms yesterday and kissed me and looked in my eyes. The love is there. The affection is there. What is the problem? A this point I'm about 95% theres not another woman. The house he got into is owned by another contractor. He was able to exchange work for hte deposit so he could get into it. It's a month to month lease. SOOOOOOO CONFUSED!!! He says he's hoping to be back in our house with me by next week, but he's not willing ot give me any expectations of how he wants things to be. One minute he will say I love YOu, and the next he refuses to??????????????????????????


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## voivod

raising5boyz said:


> Yeah, I agree. It's all so confusing. One minute he's saying what are gonna do babe? and the next minute he's saying I need my kids stuff so I can get them settled in.


"settled in???" he doesn't sound "settled" at all. emotional ploy.



raising5boyz said:


> He held me in his arms yesterday and kissed me and looked in my eyes. The love is there. The affection is there. What is the problem? A this point I'm about 95% theres not another woman


okay, good. if this is the kind of treatment you want. back and forth with your emotions. ambiguity. and didn't he mention another woman? emotional ploy.



raising5boyz said:


> It's a month to month lease. SOOOOOOO CONFUSED!!! He says he's hoping to be back in our house with me by next week, but he's not willing ot give me any expectations of how he wants things to be. One minute he will say I love YOu, and the next he refuses to??????????????????????????


"back into our house by next week???" at least he brings stability to the table (sorry, sarcastic) another emotional ploy.

you gotta change his patterns. okay, HE is gonna hafta change, for YOUR sanity. this is a case where when people say someone else cannot make you feel any particular way, i point at his behavior and say "you can't blame this woman for feeling the way she does."


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## raising5boyz

No, he didn't mention another woman. He swears up and down that theres not another woman. I just thought that there must be for him to be acting so crazy. He is such a different man all of the sudden. I guess I really don't know him at all like I thought I did. I still think theres more going on in his mind. More he hasn't told me. 

i told him today that he needs to figure out what he's doing, because his kids need stability. He wants his kids with him, but he hasn't figured out who will be watching them while he's at work. He says he needs there beds, dressers, etc, but that he can't get them by himself. My response was, "Well, thats why marriages shouldn't just end abruptly. Thats why a marriage should be given an all out effort before calling it off."

He's an assistant scout master right now, and he's flaking on his duties there without even calling to let them know he won't be showing up. This is not my husband at all. Alien invasion perhaps?  Will he come to his senses??? Should I just give him the boot and move on? If my husband is still hiding in that man somewhere, I want him back, and I want him back NOW!


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## voivod

raising5boyz said:


> He's an assistant scout master right now, and he's flaking on his duties there without even calling to let them know he won't be showing up. This is not my husband at all. Alien invasion perhaps?  Will he come to his senses??? Should I just give him the boot and move on? If my husband is still hiding in that man somewhere, I want him back, and I want him back NOW!


that's why i asked about gambling earlier. if he's got a big gambling debt that he owes, that would be an explanation for his "geographing." i'm just bringing it up as a outta left field possibility.


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## prettyinpink05

Please believe he is playing games with you he only want to get back in GOOD so he can do you the way u did him. I understand you love ur husband but if he love u and care for you the same way then he would have explian to you within those few days that he left home what the problem was PLEASE do not fall for his BULL, he will come in and take it all from u in a blink and an eye believe.


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## voivod

prettyinpink05 said:


> Please believe he is playing games with you he only want to get back in GOOD so he can do you the way u did him. I understand you love ur husband but if he love u and care for you the same way then he would have explian to you within those few days that he left home what the problem was PLEASE do not fall for his BULL, he will come in and take it all from u in a blink and an eye believe.


nah...he SNAPPED...there was an event...it whacked him out. this is bizarre behavior. beyond what she described previous to this set of circumstances.


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## raising5boyz

Oh, so much to think about. I'm pretty sure theres no gambling debt, as I have been totally involved in our money situation. He's not good with money, but thats just a couple bucks here and there. Ya know buying more expensive items instead of being thrifty, and so forth. 

One of his complaints is that he goes to work all day long, and then comes home and occasionally I want him to help around the house. That upsets him because I know he has back problems and he has alreasy worked all day. Hello!!!!??? What does he think my daily life is like caring for 9kids??? And besides, what does he think it's going to be like when he's a single dad of 4 kids?


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## prettyinpink05

Girl Girl all I can say....................


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## prettyinpink05

Like i said all bull......


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## raising5boyz

Keep talking everyone. I'm slowly getting it through my head that I'm better off without him. Keep talking, please keep talking.


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## voivod

raising5boyz said:


> Keep talking everyone. I'm slowly getting it through my head that I'm better off without him. Keep talking, please keep talking.


okay...but first...

let's say, let's just say...that you had a magic wand in your hands, that, if you waved it, you'd have your husband, the perfect version...what would he look/be like?

serious...whats the answer???


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## raising5boyz

Well if we're talking absolute perfection, there would be some changes. But I was extremely happy with him prior to this past week.

So heres perfection to me (random order):
-affectionant-kind-patient-amazing in the bedrrom- funny- good with money-religious-faithful-spends every moment he can with me-hard working-gets along with my family-communicates openly- honest-attractive-considerate-helps around the house-

ok, so out of these he was shy of only a couple.....not good with money......only a hard worker when he wants to be.....faithful??? I think so, but not 100% sure.....doesn'tlike to help around the house.....


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## raising5boyz

Oh, I missed one...... 

*HE DOES NOT COMMUNICATE WELL!!!* as I've learned this past week.


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## voivod

raising5boyz said:


> Well if we're talking absolute perfection, there would be some changes. But I was extremely happy with him prior to this past week.
> 
> So heres perfection to me (random order):
> -affectionant-kind-patient-amazing in the bedrrom- funny- good with money-religious-faithful-spends every moment he can with me-hard working-gets along with my family-communicates openly- honest-attractive-considerate-helps around the house-
> 
> ok, so out of these he was shy of only a couple.....not good with money......only a hard worker when he wants to be.....faithful??? I think so, but not 100% sure.....doesn'tlike to help around the house.....


in random order:

1) sex
2) fun/funny
3) money
4) faith
5) family/relations
6) open honest communications
7) looks
8) helps with household tasks

honestly, you're not asking too much of a marriage partner. he can'y change his looks! hope you're okay there. besides, i'll bet the more he does the other stuff you listed, the more attractive he'll be! 

i don't think 8 points is unreasonable, especially these eight. so write em down and show him. say "hey husband, this IS what i bargained for when we got married and i don't think it's too much to expect. help me please!"

my best wishes in taking the bull by the horns.


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## raising5boyz

I need some advice, like right now. Heres the situation. When he left, and was refusing to talk to me, I went and took about $500 out of our account. That was about all we had in there, but I took it cuase he was refusing to talk to me, and I had know idea what his frame of mind was. And, I have 5 kids to look out for. So now he wants to work on our marriage. And it's Friday, time to pay our employees. He's about $500 shy of payroll. And our business insurance policy needs to be paid today or it gets canceled. Thats another $470. I can bail him out of this mess by giving him the $500 and letting my bank account go negative to pay for the insurance. But that leaves me with no money and a negative bank account. But if I don't bail him out, I'm sure the employees will not be back Monday, and our business will have to shut down because we have no insurance. What do I do????


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## voivod

raising5boyz said:


> I need some advice, like right now. Heres the situation. When he left, and was refusing to talk to me, I went and took about $500 out of our account. That was about all we had in there, but I took it cuase he was refusing to talk to me, and I had know idea what his frame of mind was. And, I have 5 kids to look out for. So now he wants to work on our marriage. And it's Friday, time to pay our employees. He's about $500 shy of payroll. And our business insurance policy needs to be paid today or it gets canceled. Thats another $470. I can bail him out of this mess by giving him the $500 and letting my bank account go negative to pay for the insurance. But that leaves me with no money and a negative bank account. But if I don't bail him out, I'm sure the employees will not be back Monday, and our business will have to shut down because we have no insurance. What do I do????



alert family you need a quick loan now. you have a business and employees counting on you, right?


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## raising5boyz

You're right. I feel really bad for the employees, but I would love for him to feel some of the affects of his sudden departure from our marriage.


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## raising5boyz

BGesides, at this point I would love nothing more than for him to get a job. It would take so much stress off of him. A regular paycheck would be great for our family, if he's still a part of our family. 

I guess I'm just so mad at him. When he up and left last week, he took out a couple hundred dollars. It was spent on a hotel for a couple of nights, gas to go see friends in another city, and his damn cigerettes. It was a very selfish move. He knows how tight our money is.


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## raising5boyz

*Anyone want an update???*

It’s so unbelievably bad that I hardly want to say it. I truly didn’t know my husband at all. I am shocked and appalled beyond belief. 
I found out where his house was and went over to confirm once and for all what was going on. I found him in bed with a girl, and I lost it. Hitting, kicking, the works. Ended up in jail for assault. Now remember, I’m 5’4 and he’s 6’3. But the bastard called the police and I ended up in jail for the first time in my life. At that point, I thought, this is it. It can’t get worse, and now I know the truth and I won’t waste any more time on him. Well, that same night, he got hauled into jail on warrants that I didn’t know he had. I just found out today that they were for assault and for communicating with a minor for immoral purposes. Oh, ugh, I’m so thoroughly disgusted. But it still gets worde. I found out that the minor was 16 and that while he was working on her parents house, he would go into her bedroom and rub her. Not sure exactly what that means yet, and I don’t think I want to know. So I spoke with his ex wife this evening. She told me that this wasn’t the first time. That she walked into her house years ago to find a 16 year old straddling him. I’m so sick about this. And stupid, ignorant me, didn’t have a clue in the world. 
Needless to say, I will be filing for divorce first thing in the morning. Oh yeah, I also discovered that he has stolen over $28,000 from our business since the beginning of October. I am so screwed financially that I can’t even think about it without bursting into tears. How can a person do this? How could I have not known?


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## draconis

Don't blame yourself because your husband is a slimy character. Some of the worst people are chrismatic. 

draconis


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## martino

Wow following this thread is like a bad movie. Better $28,000 than $128,000...he complains to you about his back but he has the energy to be a pedophile. I'll bet you can't wait to sign those papers.


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## swedish

I am so sorry to hear this. Well, that would explain why he didn't like that you were suspicious of him. I hope you are in a position to get counseling for yourself because this will likely keep your mind racing and emotions all over the place for some time and a counselor could help you sort out these thoughts.

I can understand your initial shock and reaction, but don't have any contact with him if you feel you will get violent ... that's the last thing you need right now.

I know you have 9 children between you and this is the last thing you need to worry about, but do you have any teen-aged daughters? If you have any concern at all that he may have engaged in anything inappropriate with them, find that out now so he cannot have any contact with them and so you can get them help.

You are dealing with several major blows all at once so if you have any support around you that can help you with the children take advantage of that now. 

My thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## voivod

remember i mentioned gambling earlier? he did. gambled with you. he lost. i can't imagine the impact this imposes on you. i am so sorry. stupid, stupid man.


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## swedish

voivod~did you mean to post this to mtomas1? I don't think she mentioned her husband having an STD.


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## voivod

swedish said:


> voivod~did you mean to post this to mtomas1? I don't think she mentioned her husband having an STD.


omg...so sorry!!!!!

clarity of sobriety allows me to multi-task now! unfortunately, not very well apparently. i'll slow down.


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## raising5boyz

Wow, so much to think about. I've been running non-stop trying to get things done. I filed divorce papers and a restraining order today. He will be served them tomorrow if things go as planned. Yes I will be getting counsling as soon as life slows just a little. I will also be getting checked for any and all STDs. I'm attempting to keep the business and get him removed from it. I have a wonderful foreman who has pretty much been running the show anyways. He is willing to so some extra work to try to save this business. Kevins daughter is 10 years old. I would like to say nothing ever happened with her, but her mom is going to get her some counsling to make sure nothing has happened. So much going on. It's a horrible whirlwind of a nightmare.

I found some DVDs in his truck today. One was titled "Barely Legal". Don't know why he even worried about the legal part of it. That sick sick bastard.

I've got a great support system. Several people that are willing to help at the drop of a hat. My mom has been great. She's had the kids almost non-stop for a couple of days now. While I visit this lawyer and that lawyer and this courthouse and that courthouse. This is pure insanity. 

One breath at a time, one step at a time, one day at a time.


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## draconis

SUch a shame, but now you know him for what he is and thankfully you are taking the steps to get away from him. I hope that you get everything you need, also talk to you local town/city hall or DHHS about temp. assistance just in case.

draconis


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## swedish

Wow. I am so relieved to hear you have such great support around you...and amazed at how much you are getting done so quickly. Yes, it is a nightmare but certainly leaves no question as to what you need to do, he is not the man you thought he was. I hope when the dust settles a little, you are able to use the support system to take some time for yourself. You are a strong woman


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## rogerisright

#1 STOP ASKING HIM WHATS WRONG
#2 RESPECT HIS NEED TO BE ALONE ...THATS HOW MEN FIX THINGS WITHIN THEMSELVES ...respect it with the knowledge that if you do then he will come back (emotionally ...physically whatever) when he has things figured out. He needs that space and if you want him back the way you want him back (happy etc) then stop asking him whats wrong ...if he wants your help with any of his issues trust me he will ask you for it ...don't hold your breath waiting for him to ask you because thats not how men operate as a rule. Back off!
You can support him and your marriage best by respecting his need to have what Dr Gray refers to as his "cave time" 
As for the cheating ... you can't make him roast on a hot spit for the rest of his life... this will sound really sexist and unfair and you may even doubt it's validity but trust me when I tell you that a man having an affair (one nighter or even a short term fling) is not the same sin it would be if you had one... why? because men do it because it's their nature to hunt and conquer ...they also have sex to make things better ...women desire sex when everything is better. An affair doesn't require the emotional thing for men and alot of times it has no more meaning the next day than masturbating to a magazine picture. It means alot less than your brain can accept because women are wired differently than men,. That said it is also a sign of a broken moral compass and a huge breach of the most basic trust two people who are married have with each other.. so it may be his nature but it still is not acceptable or excusable. Stop harping on him and stop tip toesing around on egg shells ...give him the space he needs and he will almost 100% of the time come backwhen he has things figured out and your marriage will be all the better for it


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## raising5boyz

Rogerisright: 

You're a wack job. 

I don't even think you read the whole post. I'd appreciate it if you didn't comment on my threads anymore.

Cheating is cheating. PERIOD. And going after a 16 year old is just GROSS and completely IMMORAL. I wouldn't take that man back EVER!!!


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## dcrim

Men may be wired differently, but those men were cavemen. Society has evolved beyond that. 

Cheating is cheating. Period. And with a 16 yo borders on pedophilia, imo. 

If you make a vow to love, honor, cherish for the rest of your life, then, DAMMIT DO IT! If you don't want to make that commitment, don't get married. 

I don't need space to "fix" myself. I need someone to talk to, someone who can understand me. And that would never be a one nighter or a kid! 

The OP (and followups) demonstrate that this guy is an idiot. R5B got taken in and is now finding it out. And it hurts. A lot. 

And 6 whole posts (at this time) makes you well qualified to respond?!? And in that stupid manner? I hope others read your response in this thread because they will know anything you post does not deserve the time it takes to read, let alone reply to. 

R5B - sorry you had to put up with that. roger sounds like a neanderthal.


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