# To Admit or Not to Admit?



## Lucky135

Hello-

I am 42 and have been married for 10 years.

A few years back, my wife accused me of an affair. Although I was caught lying about where I was (verified based on tracking via Android), I made up an excuse as to why I was there. She never believed me, but we did move past it. 

Bottom line is that I did have an affair. It was short lived, but it absolutely happened. I am not proud of it in the least. I have held onto my secret for the past 5 years.

Recently, I caught my wife chatting with another man on her phone in a sexual nature. While it is impossible to know how far the affair went, I would guess it was a full fledged affair based on the conversation. I, of course, exploded. A few days have passed, and I have made my wife aware that I love her and would like to reconcile the relationship.

My wife has said that she needs some time to think about what she wants out of life. She still believes that my affair several years ago occurred.

In the event that we decide to attempt reconciliation, should I admit the affair? My thought process is as follows: 

1. If I admit, we would have a starting point for forgiveness. If I continue to deny, she may never believe me and thus, never be able to forgive.

2. If I admit, she could be so upset that I denied for years, that she may not be open to reconciliation.

3. If I continue to deny, what happens if she knows more than she has admitted concerning the affair? At that point, I would think the reconciliation would be dead because she would have no way to trust me.

I know I screwed up by not admitting from the start....so please, don't waste space talking about that. Please just let me know your thoughts/suggestions in the event we do decide we are able/willing to save the marriage.


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## EleGirl

You should tell your wife about your affair whether you two decide to reconcile or not. 

There is a good chance that your wife knows more about your affair than she has told you. Or at least she knows that her intuition is right. That's probably a good part of why your relationship is fractured and she's acting out. It's a very common thing to happen.

How can your wife make a choice of what she wants do to if you keep her in the dark? She going to be making decisions based on some very skewed info.

Plus, isn't it profoundly unfair to her that you blow up over what she's done, all the while you are hiding your own betrayal of her? Not a nice thing to do to your wife.


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## 269370

I generally don’t think it’s a good idea to admit affairs (and wouldn’t want my wife to tell me if she had one). However if you know that she knows, it’s different.
You need to find out where the relationship stands, what you want and what your wife wants. You don’t need to go into details but say that you made mistakes in the past and regret them if she presses you. Commit to see a MC together. It’s usually the most effective way.
Affairs are most destructive one can do to a relationship but people get over them.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## arbitrator

Lucky135 said:


> Hello-
> 
> I am 42 and have been married for 10 years.
> 
> A few years back, my wife accused me of an affair. Although I was caught lying about where I was (verified based on tracking via Android), I made up an excuse as to why I was there. She never believed me, but we did move past it.
> 
> Bottom line is that I did have an affair. It was short lived, but it absolutely happened. I am not proud of it in the least. I have held onto my secret for the past 5 years.
> 
> Recently, I caught my wife chatting with another man on her phone in a sexual nature. While it is impossible to know how far the affair went, I would guess it was a full fledged affair based on the conversation. I, of course, exploded. A few days have passed, and I have made my wife aware that I love her and would like to reconcile the relationship.
> 
> My wife has said that she needs some time to think about what she wants out of life. She still believes that my affair several years ago occurred.
> 
> In the event that we decide to attempt reconciliation, should I admit the affair? My thought process is as follows:
> 
> 1. If I admit, we would have a starting point for forgiveness. If I continue to deny, she may never believe me and thus, never be able to forgive.
> 
> 2. If I admit, she could be so upset that I denied for years, that she may not be open to reconciliation.
> 
> 3. If I continue to deny, what happens if she knows more than she has admitted concerning the affair? At that point, I would think the reconciliation would be dead because she would have no way to trust me.
> 
> I know I screwed up by not admitting from the start....so please, don't waste space talking about that. Please just let me know your thoughts/suggestions in the event we do decide we are able/willing to save the marriage.


*There are so many more inherent advantages in admitting to your prior infidelity!

If you don't, there may be absolutely no hope left!

At this juncture, I really think that a mutual pact between the two of you to try intensive marriage counseling is your only firm hope!*


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## BluesPower

You sir, are a complete moron. 

I am going to be kind of harsh because from the tone of your post, you need to wake the **** up. 

First, your post sounds so incredibly weak. Oh, golly gee, I had an affair, lied when caught and now my wife is having an affair. Darn. 

No buddy, we call that karma. You were weak when you did not have the balls to admit what you had done, and you are being weak with your wife's affair. 

Lets get a couple of things correct in your thinking, 1) your wife is absolutely banging this guy there in no thinking, that is a done deal. 2) Because you are acting so weak, you are toast. Want to know why, because she want to take time to figure out how she feels. 

Hey, let me translate that for you. I like screwing this guy, I am going to keep doing it, and figure out if I like him better and see if he will leave his wife so we can be together. Your marriage is toast...

And you being the weak person that you are, are wondering what you should do??????

Good grief... This is what you do.

You file for divorce on Monday, if the guy is married, you inform his wife or GF. And after she is served divorce papers at work, if she wants to talk to you at all, yeah, you tell her she was right you had an affair...

Dude, how about at 42 YO you grow the **** up, how about that...


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## BluesPower

arbitrator said:


> *There are so many more inherent advantages in admitting to your prior infidelity!
> 
> If you don't, there may be absolutely no hope left!*


He really does not have much hope no matter what he does.


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## Blondilocks

How is your wife able to make an informed decision to work on saving the marriage without knowing what she is signing up for? Just what would you be saving if you're still willing to lie to control her? You would be saving a dysfunctional relationship that led to her checking out of the marriage.

Admit the affair and work from a starting point of honesty. Don't even try to blameshift your behavior onto her - that will not go over well and is cowardly.


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## oldshirt

I think there are times and situations that people should disclose past affairs and I think there are times and situations that I think they should suck it up and just live with it and not burden others with their dirty laundry. 

In other words I and not in the camp that believes all affairs should be disclosed and I do not simply have a knee-jerk reaction that says affair must = immediate confession. 

With that out of the way, my thoughts on this situation are this - Your marriage is already in a bad place and your wife is already involved with another man. 

There is a good chance that her suspicion/knowledge of your prior affair have played a role in her disconnect and loss of esteem and respect for you and your marriage. 

If you were to come completely clean and come from a place of understanding and from wanting to put in the heavy lifting to fix the damage and move forward in reconciliation, it "*might*" help. 

If you are sincere and do not blameshift or rug sweep and are truly repentant, you might stand a chance of saving this. Maybe. 

But perhaps you might not be able to save it. 

But the way I see it, things are already swirling down the drain so what do you really have to lose?????

I think this may give you a fighting chance, where you don't really have a fighting chance otherwise. 

And even if you do end up splitting, this will at least give you the chance of taking the high road and doing the best you could have done. It may still be sad and disappointing, but there is a good chance that you will get to sleep at night sooner if you know in your heart you did the best you could.


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## aine

Lucky135 said:


> Hello-
> 
> I am 42 and have been married for 10 years.
> 
> A few years back, my wife accused me of an affair. Although I was caught lying about where I was (verified based on tracking via Android), I made up an excuse as to why I was there. She never believed me, but we did move past it.
> 
> Bottom line is that I did have an affair. It was short lived, but it absolutely happened. I am not proud of it in the least. I have held onto my secret for the past 5 years.
> 
> Recently, I caught my wife chatting with another man on her phone in a sexual nature. While it is impossible to know how far the affair went, I would guess it was a full fledged affair based on the conversation. I, of course, exploded. A few days have passed, and I have made my wife aware that I love her and would like to reconcile the relationship.
> 
> My wife has said that she needs some time to think about what she wants out of life. She still believes that my affair several years ago occurred.
> 
> In the event that we decide to attempt reconciliation, should I admit the affair? My thought process is as follows:
> 
> 1. If I admit, we would have a starting point for forgiveness. If I continue to deny, she may never believe me and thus, never be able to forgive.
> 
> 2. If I admit, she could be so upset that I denied for years, that she may not be open to reconciliation.
> 
> 3. If I continue to deny, what happens if she knows more than she has admitted concerning the affair? At that point, I would think the reconciliation would be dead because she would have no way to trust me.
> 
> I know I screwed up by not admitting from the start....so please, don't waste space talking about that. Please just let me know your thoughts/suggestions in the event we do decide we are able/willing to save the marriage.



There is no going forward without the truth. She knows in her gut and her heart you had an affair, and this could be why she did what she did.

There will never be true reconciliation if you are not truthful. You broke her trust and to continue lying will continue to break her trust. You reap what you sow.

YOu have to be honest and let the chips fall where they may. Pull up your big boy pants and be a man and not a yellow bellied liar.
If she doesn't want you back, then you have to accept the consequences of what you did. Cheating never ends well in my opinion. 
Finally, you only understand it now, when it happened to you, if you had really give a **** about your wife after she confronted you, you would have spilled the beans, you chose to save your own skin first, which tells me your comfort was more important to you than her pain. I think you should let her go, so she can be loved by a man who will be honest with her and care about her more than you did.
(You did ask for honest opinions)


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## aine

inmyprime said:


> I generally don’t think it’s a good idea to admit affairs (and wouldn’t want my wife to tell me if she had one). However if you know that she knows, it’s different.
> You need to find out where the relationship stands, what you want and what your wife wants. You don’t need to go into details but say that you made mistakes in the past and regret them if she presses you. Commit to see a MC together. It’s usually the most effective way.
> Affairs are most destructive one can do to a relationship but people get over them.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I don't agree with this Inmyprime "i made mistakes in the past' is a get out of jail card and it's a crock of ****! it means nothing. Forgiveness only works if you know what you are actually forgiving. 
There's a big difference between a quick snog with someone and a 3 month affair but they could both be called 'mistakes.' I would not divorce my H over the former but most definitely would over the latter. See the problem?


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## 269370

aine said:


> I don't agree with this Inmyprime "i made mistakes in the past' is a get out of jail card and it's a crock of ****! it means nothing. Forgiveness only works if you know what you are actually forgiving.
> 
> There's a big difference between a quick snog with someone and a 3 month affair but they could both be called 'mistakes.' I would not divorce my H over the former but most definitely would over the latter. See the problem?



To be fair, I am not sure I agree with myself either. It’s a tough one and is situation-specific. Too much honesty can be unhealthy and can break a relationship. So can too much sneakiness.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 2ntnuf

Of course you blew up on her. She doesn't have the right to **** anyone she wants while married. However, you do.  

I hope it bothers you as much as it bothered her. Just think, if you would never have had an affair, she likely would not have considered it okay to have her own. This world is full of weak individuals. Whatever has caused sex to be so nonchalant needs addressed. This is just sad. 

I do believe she has leveled the playing field. You have choices. I don't really think you care enough to start over. I could be wrong. I think you will both sweep it under the rug. All is even and you can continue to pursue other conquests without guilt or regard for your marriage commitment. 

It's the perfect excuse.


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## happyhusband0005

There is not likely a good outcome to this situation.

If you admit and as part of an attempted reconciliation, she will likely use the past affair as an excuse to continue her affair. 

If you keep denying and can successfully reconcile you will have a relationship that is a house of cards, one piece of information to confirm her suspicion will be a death blow. 

If I were you I would say there is no time to think, tell her you have both acted poorly, admit to the affair but say that being the case, you still will not give her time to think about it she needs to decide immediately if she wants to try and fix things end the affair openly and finally. If she can't do that the marriage is over.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Always tell. Always. 

Having an affair is bad. Every day you continue to lie, it's almost as bad as the affair itself, as you continue the lie. Every day you hide or deny this, you lie further. It is disrespectful to your spouse and you have no business being married to someone you continue to disrespect in this most heinous way. 

No excuses. No mitigation. Spill the beans and face the consequences, as you should. 

And don't engage in any self-serving rationalization that you're somehow protecting her by not telling her. That ship has sailed. You lost any grounds for saying you want to protect her the minute you had the affair.


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## manfromlamancha

OK lets be clear about this.

You had an affair - really bad on you especially since you lied and denied it when she approached you about it.

She had (is having) an affair. This makes her equally bad - this is not levelling the playing field - this is two cheaters cheating (whatever the justification in their minds).

So what you have got are two lying cheaters. 

You say yours was short lived. How long did it last ? Why did it stop ? Does your wife know the affair partner ?

You do not know how long hers has been going on - could be a longer term affair than yours for all you know. It could be with someone you know. And it appears to be on going.

Why do you want to reconcile ? She is no better than you are. For all you know, she could be a lot worse. No point trying to keep score here. It appears that you two are both not marriage material. I would pull the plug on this toxic marriage and both of you start again.

What do you mean by once you discovered it, you exploded. How exactly did you explode ? If you have confronted her, did she come clean about everything or are you still in the dark about the details. I would gather as much material first. Make sure that she is in no position to deny any of it. Then once that happens, come clean about your own affair. If the OM is married, make sure to let his spouse know without warning.

Then take steps to end this sham of a marriage.


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## BigToe

This is a tough one, but my advice is don't admit at this point. I think your logic is that by both of you having an affair, they are "offsetting penalties" and "equalize" your marriage in a way that can allow a fresh start because both of you will have "all your cards" on the table. Unfortunately I don't think this will work. You didn't state that your wife denied her affair when you confronted her, so I am assuming she didn't. That means you are still behind the 8-ball because you lied about your affair and she not only admitted hers but is questioning continuing your marriage which means hers is out in the open. I think admitting now what you denied for five years would only feed the fire and cement her decision to leave you. I don't see her interpreting your confession as new opportunity to take advantage of complete honesty between you. I see it as confirming you are both a cheater AND a liar. So not only how does she trust that you won't cheat again, how does she trust that you will be honest about it if you do.

I think there is no good path here and I would let sleeping dogs lie. IF you have learned your lesson and commit to never cheating on her again if the marriage survives, take this secret to the grave with you. If it will free your own conscious and make you feel better for her to know even if she decides to end the marriage, then by all means go ahead and tell her.


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## happiness27

Lucky135 said:


> Hello-
> 
> I am 42 and have been married for 10 years.
> 
> A few years back, my wife accused me of an affair. Although I was caught lying about where I was (verified based on tracking via Android), I made up an excuse as to why I was there. She never believed me, but we did move past it.
> 
> Bottom line is that I did have an affair. It was short lived, but it absolutely happened. I am not proud of it in the least. I have held onto my secret for the past 5 years.
> 
> Recently, I caught my wife chatting with another man on her phone in a sexual nature. While it is impossible to know how far the affair went, I would guess it was a full fledged affair based on the conversation. I, of course, exploded. A few days have passed, and I have made my wife aware that I love her and would like to reconcile the relationship.
> 
> My wife has said that she needs some time to think about what she wants out of life. She still believes that my affair several years ago occurred.
> 
> In the event that we decide to attempt reconciliation, should I admit the affair? My thought process is as follows:
> 
> 1. If I admit, we would have a starting point for forgiveness. If I continue to deny, she may never believe me and thus, never be able to forgive.
> 
> 2. If I admit, she could be so upset that I denied for years, that she may not be open to reconciliation.
> 
> 3. If I continue to deny, what happens if she knows more than she has admitted concerning the affair? At that point, I would think the reconciliation would be dead because she would have no way to trust me.
> 
> I know I screwed up by not admitting from the start....so please, don't waste space talking about that. Please just let me know your thoughts/suggestions in the event we do decide we are able/willing to save the marriage.


My husband and I went through this and we laid all our cards out on the table. This is not for the faint of heart. We made it but it was a lot of hell. The only way we made it through it was to turn towards each other with full commitment to our relationship - and a commitment to unabashed total honesty going forward. NO SECRETS. 

My heart goes out to both of you and the courage you both will need to make the decisions ahead. I HIGHLY recommend finding a REALLY GOOD marriage counselor. I really don't recommend going this by yourselves. This is serious.

Listen, this is fact: people have affairs. They just DO. Some folks do not but other people do so it's not uncommon and she and you are not demons for it. It's NOT the end of the world or the marriage if both people decide to re-commit and go forward with complete, total openness and honesty and get to the heart of their commitment with each other. 

Affairs are these fairytales. They should call them "Affairytales" for that reason. What you and your wife have is what is real.


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## Adelais

If you ever get to the point of discussing trying to reconcile, I say what another poster said, "Lay all the cards on the table" so you can both start with a 100% clean slate.

Your wife deserves to have all the truth, so she can decide if she wants to try to reconcile with you.

I'd be very upset about being gaslighted for years.


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## Rob_1

You are a cheater, she's a cheater. End it. Start anew with somebody else. Besides, at your age you should know by now that when a woman tells you that she needs time and space to think what she wants in life is woman speak for: I want to try this new guy(s), before I make my mind if I want to dump you or not. In the mean time stay put as my plan B 

Lord, DTMFA. She's pissing on you .


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## Violet28

Admit, she already knows it happens and continuing to deny it simply confirms that you are the same lying sack of **** that she thought you were. If you take accountability for it, it may show her you are changing.


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## sokillme

Why would you wife want to take you back you are a phony. Nothing worse then wasting your life on a fraud, accept being one. Do better.


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## HowBoutThemApples

I AGREEw/ Happiness27...

Everyone has their own opinions & their own “red line”. While some absolutely will not consider staying together after their partner has cheated, others are willing to fight to fix the brokenness... & it CAN be done!

You have to decide if YOU want to fix yours. If the answer is yes, admit your own faults & let her decide if she wants to fix the mess with you. If you continue to lie/cover up your own wrongs, you aren’t fixing the mess at all - only putting a temporary bandaid on it.

If you both decide it’s worth attempting to fix together, don’t let anyone tell you it can’t or shouldn’t be done. At the end of the day, YOU (& your wife) have to live with your choices - not us.

Let me also add... I am with Happiness27 in having gone through this as well. We could even compare to say who was “worse” if we wanted to... mine was a 1-time deal w/ a friend who I admitted on my own w/o being questioned VS my SO was a 3 mo affair w/ plans being made to start a new life together & I caught them after much denial on their part/digging on my part... but in the end, wrong is wrong regardless of who was worse. If she’s worth fighting for, prove it!! 

Best wishes!!




happiness27 said:


> My husband and I went through this and we laid all our cards out on the table. This is not for the faint of heart. We made it but it was a lot of hell. The only way we made it through it was to turn towards each other with full commitment to our relationship - and a commitment to unabashed total honesty going forward. NO SECRETS.
> 
> My heart goes out to both of you and the courage you both will need to make the decisions ahead. I HIGHLY recommend finding a REALLY GOOD marriage counselor. I really don't recommend going this by yourselves. This is serious.
> 
> Listen, this is fact: people have affairs. They just DO. Some folks do not but other people do so it's not uncommon and she and you are not demons for it. It's NOT the end of the world or the marriage if both people decide to re-commit and go forward with complete, total openness and honesty and get to the heart of their commitment with each other.
> 
> Affairs are these fairytales. They should call them "Affairytales" for that reason. What you and your wife have is what is real.


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## FalCod

Lucky135 said:


> 1. If I admit, we would have a starting point for forgiveness. If I continue to deny, she may never believe me and thus, never be able to forgive.
> 
> 2. If I admit, she could be so upset that I denied for years, that she may not be open to reconciliation.
> 
> 3. If I continue to deny, what happens if she knows more than she has admitted concerning the affair? At that point, I would think the reconciliation would be dead because she would have no way to trust me.
> 
> I know I screwed up by not admitting from the start....so please, don't waste space talking about that. Please just let me know your thoughts/suggestions in the event we do decide we are able/willing to save the marriage.


Of course you should admit it. This is your wife you are talking about. She should be the one person in the world that you completely confide in and completely trust. Yes, you screwed up that trust horribly and she may be doing the same to you. But why live a lie forever?


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