# still lost



## kybt (Apr 18, 2011)

It has been a while since I posted. 
But in short we have I been married to my wife for 15 years and have two kids (Boy 11 and Girl 6). I have been unhappy for a few years. Was being ignored a lot not sleeping in the same room. I felt like a roommate or one of the kids.
A few months ago I finally talked to her about how I felt and told her I was not happy. She asked what I wanted and I told her "I did knot know". We talked about talked about the stress in my job, the issues with the kids, the lack of sex and a few other things. We talked for a few days there was some crying and also some silence.
There was some change like sleeping in the same room, trying to spend some time together. We even went away for the night to a hotel and went on a vacation with the kids. Things were OK but started slipping back to the same old thing. I think we just stopped trying again we will have a few little moments but that is it. I think I have started pulling back more than she has. I am not happy with this marriage. I want to be happy to come home and see my wife but I am not. I think about leaving all the time but can not get the never to say anything. I don't want to hurt her or my kids. 
I just do not know what to do.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So what is your plan?


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## kybt (Apr 18, 2011)

I really don't have one. Part of me think it is not fair to keep dragging this on and let each of us see if we can find happiness else where and then the other half keeps hopping this can be fix But both of use are not ones for conflict and have a tendency to retreat. This is why I am lost.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

kybt said:


> It has been a while since I posted.
> But in short we have I been married to my wife for 15 years and have two kids (Boy 11 and Girl 6). I have been unhappy for a few years. Was being ignored a lot not sleeping in the same room. I felt like a roommate or one of the kids.
> A few months ago I finally talked to her about how I felt and told her I was not happy. She asked what I wanted and I told her "I did knot know". We talked about talked about the stress in my job, the issues with the kids, the lack of sex and a few other things. We talked for a few days there was some crying and also some silence.
> There was some change like sleeping in the same room, trying to spend some time together. We even went away for the night to a hotel and went on a vacation with the kids. Things were OK but started slipping back to the same old thing. I think we just stopped trying again we will have a few little moments but that is it. I think I have started pulling back more than she has. I am not happy with this marriage. I want to be happy to come home and see my wife but I am not. I think about leaving all the time but can not get the never to say anything. I don't want to hurt her or my kids.
> I just do not know what to do.


Its soul searching time... for both of you... what have you learnt from your communication with your wife? What behaviours are being identified, what personality traits seem incompatible? You got to be open and honest with yourself... then to your wife... figure it out... as it stands now... hurt is gonna happen. You hurt yourself by being miserable, hurt your wife as she will figure out you don't love her anyways, hurt the kids by setting the example, 'this' is marriage. Gotta get everything on the table between you two.. figure out all your feelings ... and set a path... bailing water outa a ship of holes is exhausting and fruitless in the end, as life is a JOURNEY... not a destination, its a wonderful endless journey on many different marvelous endless seas. 

good luck...

my first reccommendation... MC!!


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Get the book "His Needs, Her Needs" and read it yourself. In it, I think you will find out much about your wife and her mistakes, BUT more importantly, you will find out about YOURS. No marriage solely breaks down because of one person. Odds are, you have done things that may have affected the way your wife responds to you. As Newton stated, "for every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction. It was one of the best relationship books I ever read and I believe it will educate you and convince you that there is still hope. After you read it, see if your wife would be willing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kybt (Apr 18, 2011)

Thanks for all the responses. I no I am no bed of roses and I know I could have done more in the past to make things better. And I know I am to blame on the deterioration of this marriage. I am willing to try things to help it out but in my heart I feel that it will end some time if not now then later because we will always go back to where we were.


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## Avalon (Jul 5, 2011)

From a wife's perspective... My husband and I are (and have been) at the same point for quite some time, living more as roommates instead of life partners. It happened so slowly, over a period of years and years. Husband working overtime. Me working part time and full-time raising 2 kids pretty much single handed as he worked 10 hours a day, then he came home to spend 2-4 more hours a day surfing the Internet instead of interacting with his family. As he spent more and more time not participating in the family, I took on more and more of the responsibility around the house and with the kids, until I became literally a single mother in a 20+ year marriage. That all took years to develop. 

No doubt about it, my husband and I are BOTH to blame in this. Things just deteriorated slowly, we both starting behaving in certain ways in reaction to the other spouse's behavior, etc. It's a slow downward spiral, and we haven't communicated about it much. We get along fine, no arguing, no fights, but also no communication beyond the basic "please pass the salt." Absolutely no passion is left in our marriage. Like I said, my husband and I simply grew apart and we are both responsible for that.

So... if you don't want to end up in ambivalence, living in a lifeless marriage like I've been for the past several years, something needs to change for you NOW. Marriage counseling would be a good start. Good honest conversations with each other about where you see your marriage in one year, in five years, etc... The most important thing you can do now is open up communication.


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## hoohagirl (Sep 12, 2011)

I agree with Avalon. If you were able to fix the problems in your marriage by yourself, they would be fixed. Now is the time to contact a marriage counselor so you can learn how to do things DIFFERENTLY. You know what they say about doing the same thing and expecting a different result : ). 

It sounds like though you are very lost that you still have a small grain of hope. My friend told me something that I think about every day when I asked her how you know when to give up. She said you keep trying until you can't try anymore. The opposite of love is not hate, it's ambivalence.


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## kybt (Apr 18, 2011)

I am tired of being the one that always has to bring things up. I know she sees how things are but she would just rather ignore the problem. I feel it is always on me and it is causing me to stress on top of all the other stuff I have to stress about.
The new thing that is going on is trying to get her to get a job. about two years ago the company she worked for from home cut her hours by 1/2 but she could not find other work because our daughter was only in school half day. Now that she is in full day it gives her some time to get a part time job or something. but she keeps making excuses of why she has not. But we have running over monthly on bills and dipping into our savings for the last few years and now we are running out. I work 50-60 hrs a week already. It is just more on top of everything else.


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