# Lidia wants divorce i dont and i have not been given a chance



## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

I have always tried to do the best for Lidia and my family everyday I do more and more for Lidia I love her, I care for her,I cherish her. I have always been there for her regardless of the situation going on and she is my best friend! always has been! However I am never seen I am never heard,i have always strived for the best for Lidia and my family,i have always tried to make us rise above the 9-5 normal life to stand out and be proud of our achievements and to make people proud of us for daring to go beyond the normal. for the past six months I have tried so hard to put our marriage back together we started counciling and when we started this process we were interviewed separately to find out what was going on it was established that we could only be counciled if there was not a third party involved and Lidia was asked to postpone her relationship with Dan I was horrified that an emotional relationship had been going on for quite some Time prior to our counciling session even though I was trying to repair and put back together our marriage but at the same time relieved that the councillor had noticed this and said it was a big threat to our marriage, Lidia agreed to suspend her relationship totally and had informed Dan that this was going to happen I was very relieved by this statement and felt we had a real platform to start rebuilding our marriage and Lidia had said she wanted a better marriage and i so want to give her this! the marriage that she deserves i believe in marriage and I truly love Lidia, Lidia managed to hold of contact for ten days and then had a brief conversation in the corridor at work this scared me and I felt very hurt and disappointed then every week some form of contact was made this put me into a down wood spiral of despair anger frustration and confusion by Lidias weakness which caused total unrest in our house and made the platform so needed to repair our marriage impossible, this robbed me of my chance to do counciling to repair our marriage then Lidia announced she can't take anymore and announced she wants separation we have been going round and round in circles since this statement, I am concussed and horrified by this situation hurt ,scared disappointed and lost without Lidia she now communicates more with Dan than me and he has become the source of my blame for not creating the calm so needed to put this back together I have been asking her to give me a proper chance a real chance to try and repair our marriage for my sake, her sake and our children's sakes, our children need to have a loving stable home where they feel loved when they need it by both parents and to see love. Amelia is asking me why does mummy not kiss daddy they need to see a loving happy relationship to have morals and happiness in there lives, all I am asking you is do you think Lidia should give me a real chance a calm platform to try and rebuild our marriage where we take it slow but do it right we learn to communicate better we learn about each other and we try and rebuild this? Do you think Lidia is making a mistake by not taking this chance? I truly love Lidia I care for her and our family I only ever wanted the best for us and I know if we use the last six weeks left of counciling we could make it!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Generally it's a good idea to give the marriage at least a chance to work out. However what we think does not matter because she will do what she wants. She is not here asking us.

I think that you would benefit from reading the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It's a quick read and will give you a lot of advice about what you can do to save your marriage.

You keep using the word "calm", saying that things need to be "clam". Are you doing things like yelling? What's going on?


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

i am the most passive person in the world always have been, i like a calm life, Lidia is very angry and emotional and when i talk about the affair she gets angry tells me to shutup walks away tells me i am wrong the thing is she had this affair and still wants to be his freind even though our councilor advised this would not be fair on my feelings. I get angry when Lidia cant see the damage that this inapropriate relationship is doing it just fuels anger and unrest and to rebuild our marriage we need a calm situation!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is this guy married?


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

yes i am married and i have always been happy until the problems started about a year ago!


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

You sound too nice to her and she's taking you for granted. When you give a girl everything, they'll take advantage of that and treat you like a doormat. You need to work on changing yourself and seek to gain more control of your relationship if you want her to respect you and for your marriage to have a chance.


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

i just want to save this marriage i truy love this woman i love my kids and i want so much more a future i have worked so hard to put this marriage right just not seen!


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I was just like your wife, we were in counseling for 6 weeks before I finally admitted my EA. Well thr difference is my husband said " stop all contact with him or leave now". I left immediately. I came back 4 days later. We are now almost a year since then and we are together reconcilling and working very hard on ourselves and our marriage. I say let her go. Cut her loose and do not feel sorry for her. Do not give her money, do not let her take the kids. Let her make that choice and she may come back to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

she says that i have always been sellfish and she does not like the man she sees i am not sellfish to her and never sellfish to my family occasionally to others but never to her or her family she does not like how i am with outsiders i am very weary of outsiders i find it hard to trust people i dont know when i get to know them i am ok!


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I understand how sick inside and how scared you are. She is not going to be able to be happy in the marriage until she totally stops contact with the other guy. It's hard. Stay strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

is she making a mistake by carying on her ea which makes it impossable to put calm into our situation? i just want a chance to repair this it is so important for me her and my family i do so much for her i get nothing back apart from an occasional cup of tea i do the cooking cleaning i am the kids routine!


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I said those things too, I blamed everything on my husband. Yes he had faults but he changed and I didn't believe his changes would stay. I was so wrong. Also once I stopped contact with the other man I found that I had alot of faults in the marriage too. It took me a while to see it tho.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

my wife is about to put her opinion on this site please stay seated to comment please!!!!!!!


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

my gosh she is totally wrong for carrying on with this guy...she does not see that, it's like an addiction
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

he is my biggest headache he is the whole reason we cant put this marriage back together and i do blame him i have made contact via text i have told him what he is doing to us yet it still continues he is just having a laugh at me he is recorded on my phone as homerecker!

and he is recking my chances of happyness with the women i love i so want to keep my marriage and my family together our kids need both of us together happy


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lidand said:


> yes i am married and i have always been happy until the problems started about a year ago!


I was asking if the other man is married. is he?


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

no recently split up from an engagement!


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## toolateforthis (Jan 6, 2013)

I am lidands wife. He asked me to ask 5 of my friends if I am making a mistake by leaving him, he thinks that if they say I am, then I should try to fix our marriage. But how much trying can one do? I wasn't happy in our marriage for a long time before the real problems started but I had not left him, as I had made a commitment. It's only since we set up a business with business "partners" that all seriously fell apart. These people took advantage of us and I could not agree to this, but my husband did not see what I did and did not support me. What is more - he kept saying I was paranoid and tha I would spoil everything... We had been arguing for probabnly about a year when I was crying trying to explain how scared I was of our financial future, he did not listen. He looked at me with hatred saying to stop ranting... We had separated and I found a new job. During separation my husband was helping a lot with the children and cooking, I appreciate this, but I did not realise at the time I could have been taking advantage as I thought he did this for the kids. 4 months after separation I met someone and became very close to him. Around the same time my husband decided to try and fix the marriage, he became depressed and threatened me that he would kill himself or burn our family house down if I don't come back... He was emotionally blackmailing me into moving back. Another thing is I couldn't afford to rent the house anymore. Anyway, after 6 months living apart I moved back with the children. We started doing the counselling and I was told that for this to work, I had to suspend any relationship I had with the other guy. I agreed to do it but we worked at the same place and ocassionally we chatted. It was not deep conversation, not long, but the longest break was prob about 10 days. I found that the more I was not allowed to talk to him, the more I wanted to and the more frustrated I was. At the same time I had my husband telling me how I should be feeling, what I should be thinking and doing... This drove me mad... still does.... Every day he keeps telling me this. But I don't love him. I told him that I can stay with him just for the children, but I don't want any touching, nothing like this. But he wants me to be loving, affectionate, caring... I cannot give it to him. We have to sleep in the same bed and many times he forced himself on me. He says I am his wife and I should do this or that... I don't want him to touch me, it des not feel right. I don't know if this is forgiveness issue, I think I can forgive the past if he did not demand so much of me, we could be partners for the children, but I don't think we can ever be happy together. I am not planning on having new relationship at the moment. I am in contact with this other guy, but only as firends. I don't know if something would come up from it, maybe one day, but I know I am not ready for new relationshoip anyway. I am happy to move back to my home country to prove my husband I am not just leaving him for someone else but we have children and he will not agree to this. Besides, I wouldn't like to take children away form their father. They live him. I belive that we need to focus on what is best for children, all this arguing and demanding, crying, screaming is definitely not good. And I admit, it is me, who screams, he is most of time, calm, but I beg him to stop telling me these things, and he wont listen, he follows me and talks and talks all the time, that I should do this, that I am his wife, that I made this commitment.. He blames this other guy for the marriage failure, but we were finished months before I even met him, months before we separated...


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

It's only when you're ready to give up your marriage and what you have before you will have a chance to get her back. The more you beg, act nice to her, and try hard to rescue what you have, the more you will push her away and lose her.

MAN UP, give her the ultimatum, and kick her out if she doesn't stop talking to the other guy. She's not scared of you and has no respect for you. You have the other man laughing at you and to your wife, the other man looks so much more cool and confident than you. How could a woman be with a man she doesn't respect?


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## toolateforthis (Jan 6, 2013)

Adex said:


> You sound too nice to her and she's taking you for granted. When you give a girl everything, they'll take advantage of that and treat you like a doormat. You need to work on changing yourself and seek to gain more control of your relationship if you want her to respect you and for your marriage to have a chance.


Yeah, I also think that my husband should change, I thought before that if he just let me go, maybe I would realise that i loved him - if I did.... I do not want to treat him as a doormat though. It is not my intention... And I said to him, he needs to have some dignity. I don't think more cotnrol is needed though....


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

toolateforthis said:


> Yeah, I also think that my husband should change, I thought before that if he just let me go, maybe I would realise that i loved him - if I did.... I do not want to treat him as a doormat though. It is not my intention... And I said to him, he needs to have some dignity. I don't think more cotnrol is needed though....


Well there you go. I'm assuming you're the wife. To the OP, that pretty much says it right there.


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

i just want people to tell her she is making a mistake? i am the most honest caring man i really am i dont want to go throiugh all this turmoil and stress i just want my marriage back but better!


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

It doesn't matter what people think. She just told you to have more dignity. All that matters is what she thinks of you.


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## toolateforthis (Jan 6, 2013)

CantSitStill said:


> I was just like your wife, we were in counseling for 6 weeks before I finally admitted my EA. Well thr difference is my husband said " stop all contact with him or leave now". I left immediately. I came back 4 days later. We are now almost a year since then and we are together reconcilling and working very hard on ourselves and our marriage. I say let her go. Cut her loose and do not feel sorry for her. Do not give her money, do not let her take the kids. Let her make that choice and she may come back to you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think the kids thing is fair, I believe they should stay with me but I do agree with the cut loose advice. Money, again - what is best for children, we both have no money, and during separation, my husband did some shopping, and paid for the car I drove, that's it. I would like both of us to work out the scenario where we finacnially manage and see the children as much as possible, as they love both of us


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok Liland…

You have done some things to seriously damage your relationship with your wife.

You cannot belittle her thoughts and feelings like you did with the business and expect her to continue to be happy and love you.

You cannot follow her around and tell her what she has to think and feel and expect her to want to be around you.

And forcing yourself on her sexually is so wrong. She will learn to hate you if you do this. Stop it.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Yeah well I said the same thing "my marriage was real bad before I started talking to another guy" ok yes it was but seeking our another person while you are married is the worst thing you can do. There are other options. Yes possibly divorce, marriage counselling will not work when there is another man in the back of your mind. TRUST ME I know..you will someday see that you've made a huge mistake.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

its not about dignity it is about not creating a total mess it is not about selling the house seperating it is about trying to put it back together and giving a real chance without a third party


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

No wonder counselling didn't work. It won't work unless you are willing to listen and try.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toolateforthis (Jan 6, 2013)

CantSitStill said:


> I said those things too, I blamed everything on my husband. Yes he had faults but he changed and I didn't believe his changes would stay. I was so wrong. Also once I stopped contact with the other man I found that I had alot of faults in the marriage too. It took me a while to see it tho.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know I have faults too but I just can't see myself changing for him... I also don't understand why he wants me to change, where actually, I want to leave


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

and your wife thinks she has no fault in the marriage just like I thought. uggg this brings back memories
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lidand said:


> i just want people to tell her she is making a mistake? i am the most honest caring man i really am i dont want to go throiugh all this turmoil and stress i just want my marriage back but better!


You are not the most caring man. Look at her side of the story. You be littled her during the time you two were involved in a business. You force yourself on her sexually when she does not want to be touched. 

You need to face that you have done things to harm your marriage. Until you fact that, there is no way that the marriage can be repaired.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

Well without a doubt, what she did and is doing is wrong. However, the other man has a strong hold on her. There are actions that you can take to save your marriage, but you seem not to want to listen.

On a side note, I think it's so funny how we have both sides of the story posting on this thread.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I sat in marriage counselling saying "why should I change? he should love me for who I am" yes it is possible to repair your marriage..i was bitter like you also Toolate
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

toolateforthis said:


> I know I have faults too but I just can't see myself changing for him... I also don't understand why he wants me to change, where actually, I want to leave


You cannot see your marriage as it really is as long as you have another man on the side. This is true even if he is 'only a friend'. That's called an emotional affair. Emotional affairs can be more damaging to your marriage then physcial affairs, like one night stands.

You would benefit from reading the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

You need to concentraite on the marriage right now... either fix it or leave it. The other man (OM) just serves to make things more confusing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CantSitStill said:


> and your wife thinks she has no fault in the marriage just like I thought. uggg this brings back memories


I don't think she thinks she has no fault in the marriage. Her first post was a defense against the accussations he made towards her before per first post.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I also said "it's too late, the passion is gone" all these things yes I said and thought.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

toolateforthis said:


> I know I have faults too but I just can't see myself changing for him... I also don't understand why he wants me to change, where actually, I want to leave


I am glad that you came here to post. We seldom get both sides to a story. It's good to know your side. 

What do you see as your faults in the marriage?


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

i really regret the past it was a very awkward situation we had invested a lot of money in our buisness and lidias anger and emotion actually made me scared of her we now have re set up our buisness with no partners and we need this chance to be able to focus on our new venture i need a real chance with no one else involved!


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## toolateforthis (Jan 6, 2013)

Adex said:


> It's only when you're ready to give up your marriage and what you have before you will have a chance to get her back. The more you beg, act nice to her, and try hard to rescue what you have, the more you will push her away and lose her.
> 
> MAN UP, give her the ultimatum, and kick her out if she doesn't stop talking to the other guy. She's not scared of you and has no respect for you. You have the other man laughing at you and to your wife, the other man looks so much more cool and confident than you. How could a woman be with a man she doesn't respect?


Hi, this other guy is not laughing at him. But I agree with loads of your thoughts


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

toolateforthis said:


> I don't think the kids thing is fair, I believe they should stay with me but I do agree with the cut loose advice. Money, again - what is best for children, we both have no money, and during separation, my husband did some shopping, and paid for the car I drove, that's it. I would like both of us to work out the scenario where we finacnially manage and see the children as much as possible, as they love both of us


You are right that your children need both of you as they love both of you.

You and your husband need to do everything you can to shield your children from this emotional turmoil. That means that neither of you should remove the children from the fmaily home right now.

Many couples live in the same home with the children until a divorce is final. Only after there is a custody arrangement does one or both move out. Then the chlidren start sharing time with each parent.

That is what is meant when someone said to not allow you to move out and take the children. It was not said to mean that your husband should have permant custody of the children.. only that one parent cannot remove the children from the other parent without agreement.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lidand said:


> i really regret the past it was a very awkward situation we had invested a lot of money in our buisness and lidias anger and emotion actually made me scared of her we now have re set up our buisness with no partners and we need this chance to be able to focus on our new venture i need a real chance with no one else involved!


So Lidia, what about this. What about your anger. Do you get very emotional, yell, etc when you get angry?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lidand said:


> i really regret the past it was a very awkward situation we had invested a lot of money in our buisness and lidias anger and emotion actually made me scared of her we now have re set up our buisness with no partners and we need this chance to be able to focus on our new venture i need a real chance with no one else involved!


You ignored the bit about forcing yourself on her sexually. Do not do that.


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

is it too late i dont think so i just want to work on a future with the woman i still love even though so much hurt has been done?


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

this is a misrepresantation i control my sexual urges towards lidia but occasionally i need to hold and touch her i love her and this is a connection i need as a man to have with my wife she does give in occasionally but feels disgusted the next day! i have to do a lot of pursueding she will say no i am persistant because i need that closeness with the woman i love


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## toolateforthis (Jan 6, 2013)

CantSitStill said:


> Yeah well I said the same thing "my marriage was real bad before I started talking to another guy" ok yes it was but seeking our another person while you are married is the worst thing you can do. There are other options. Yes possibly divorce, marriage counselling will not work when there is another man in the back of your mind. TRUST ME I know..you will someday see that you've made a huge mistake.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wasn't seeking for another man, we just started chatting. I know it is wrong, I got too close to him and I should not have done it. I am not considering any physical contact with other man until I am divorced. I don't know how to stop talking to him though.
Huge mistake- maybe I just need to find uot for myself... I really tried to embrace the counselling, even though the reasons for doing it were wrong. It was because of my husband's depression and also for the chidlren but I suppose it felt like this marriage was long gone...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lidand said:


> is it too late i dont think so i just want to work on a future with the woman i still love even though so much hurt has been done?


I gave you the name of a book that you need to read. Please do.


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## toolateforthis (Jan 6, 2013)

CantSitStill said:


> and your wife thinks she has no fault in the marriage just like I thought. uggg this brings back memories
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry but where how did you get to this statement?


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## toolateforthis (Jan 6, 2013)

Adex said:


> Well without a doubt, what she did and is doing is wrong. However, the other man has a strong hold on her. There are actions that you can take to save your marriage, but you seem not to want to listen.
> 
> On a side note, I think it's so funny how we have both sides of the story posting on this thread.


Considerig, lidand wanted to go on Jeremy Kyle's show, this is quite mild...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lidand said:


> this is a misrepresantation i control my sexual urges towards lidia but occasionally i need to hold and touch her i love her and this is a connection i need as a man to have with my wife she does give in occasionally but feels disgusted the next day! i have to do a lot of pursueding she will say no i am persistant because i need that closeness with the woman i love


Ok so you are not holding her down and forcing her.

So you really want to do something with her that makes her feel disgusted? 

She will need to tell us if she agrees with the way you portray this.


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

so lidia has just put it there she is waiting untioll we are divorced before she goes off with her affair!!!!!


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## toolateforthis (Jan 6, 2013)

CantSitStill said:


> I sat in marriage counselling saying "why should I change? he should love me for who I am" yes it is possible to repair your marriage..i was bitter like you also Toolate
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, I am probably bitter. I am angry that it got to the point that I looked at other man....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

toolateforthis said:


> Considerig, lidand wanted to go on Jeremy Kyle's show, this is quite mild...


Oh my... that's a very bad idea.

Regular counseling is a much better idea.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lidand said:


> so lidia has just put it there she is waiting untioll we are divorced before she goes off with her affair!!!!!


Well that is the right thing to do, isn't it? To wait until a divorce before considering another relationship?

If she is divorced it will not be an affair.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

toolateforthis said:


> Yes, I am probably bitter. I am angry that it got to the point that I looked at other man....


What have been your faults in your marriage?


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## toolateforthis (Jan 6, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> You cannot see your marriage as it really is as long as you have another man on the side. This is true even if he is 'only a friend'. That's called an emotional affair. Emotional affairs can be more damaging to your marriage then physcial affairs, like one night stands.
> 
> You would benefit from reading the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.
> 
> You need to concentraite on the marriage right now... either fix it or leave it. The other man (OM) just serves to make things more confusing.


Yes, maybe it is emotional affair, but tell me, how do I go about dropping it. It is keeping me sane to speak to someone else... How do I drop it now and try to fix something that is driving me so mad. Yes, as yo say, fix it or leave it. I want to leave it. I just need to work out how, as the finances don't allow for it.

My husband just accused me, that I almost stated that I want divorce so I can f..k someone else, but it's not what I wanted to say. I do think, however that I am hoping that one day I would be in a happy relationship.


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

is lidia making a real mistake? i love her care for her i am the most caring man you could ever meet i am being honest i have only wanted a chance to put my marriage back together but dan is in the way!


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

but it is an emotional affair at the moment!!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

toolateforthis said:


> Yes, maybe it is emotional affair, but tell me, how do I go about dropping it. It is keeping me sane to speak to someone else... How do I drop it now and try to fix something that is driving me so mad. Yes, as yo say, fix it or leave it. I want to leave it. I just need to work out how, as the finances don't allow for it.
> 
> My husband just accused me, that I almost stated that I want divorce so I can f..k someone else, but it's not what I wanted to say. I do think, however that I am hoping that one day I would be in a happy relationship.


My take is that the two of you are near hystarical (not using the word to mean "funny").

Both of you need to pull back and calm down. Then something can be resolved.

There are otherways, besides having another man to talk to, to keep your sanity.

Your relationship with this OM is not going to last. Only about 3% of affairs (EA and/or PA) ever last beyond a short time after the divorce. So divorcing your husband to be with the OM is not worth your time. The only reason that you should have for divorcing him is for yourself. So you need to find a way to maintain your own sanity on your own.

Cutting the OM out of your life, so that you can focuse on yourself is your first step... for yourself, not for your husband.


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## toolateforthis (Jan 6, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I am glad that you came here to post. We seldom get both sides to a story. It's good to know your side.
> 
> What do you see as your faults in the marriage?


cooke

Thank you,

My faults in the marriage - I was never romantic one, I never initiated anything, not in bed, nothing... I agreed to be with him providing he'd change - quite smoking, improve diet etc... In the beginning I cooked few meals, he never liked my food, so I said : "fine - you can cook"... I neglected him and myself after giving birth....prob more.... I am very emotional, I wasprob difficult to deal with when I was so scare ano lonely living with my husband but not being able to rely on him. I struggled to deal with it and maybe didn't deal with it properly, but being emotional was only way I could do


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## toolateforthis (Jan 6, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> You are right that your children need both of you as they love both of you.
> 
> You and your husband need to do everything you can to shield your children from this emotional turmoil. That means that neither of you should remove the children from the fmaily home right now.
> 
> ...


Ok, I agree, I just know that our home is not good atmosphere for them at hte moment as we argue so much. When he stops pushing me, and we are just live together and focus on children it's fine. It doesn't last long, though - he thinks if we have not argued then it means we are ready for next step and demands start.... I would like to move out with the children and my husband come to be with them whenever he wants. Otherwise, we can stay together but he needs to just forget about his needs from his wife as it distroys us and people around.


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## toolateforthis (Jan 6, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Ok so you are not holding her down and forcing her.
> 
> So you really want to do something with her that makes her feel disgusted?
> 
> She will need to tell us if she agrees with the way you portray this.


I am struggling to talk about this. 
Lidand, you know what you do, I think if I say "no" once that should be enough... But it seems five times is not, then you "hold" me so strong...


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

i love lidia i never asked for this situation i just asked for a platform to rebuid our marriage and i felt like i was never given a real chance because of dan!!!!!!! i seriously regret the past and i want a future in our marital home with our children and us happy !


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## toolateforthis (Jan 6, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> So Lidia, what about this. What about your anger. Do you get very emotional, yell, etc when you get angry?


Yes, it is true, I det very angry and emotional, I cry, I scream for him to leave me alone. I can't deal with this, that is why I need to leave.


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

i so love her i need her i need my family my family need me where has the woman i love gone it is because of ea that this marriage has had no chance to rebuid he causes all arguments in this house is lidia doing wrong?


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

did i mention i have been punched twice by lidia once in the face with her anger!


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

lidand said:


> is lidia making a real mistake? i love her care for her i am the most caring man you could ever meet i am being honest i have only wanted a chance to put my marriage back together but dan is in the way!


You should listen to yourself. You come off as this whiney child who's throwing a tantrum for not getting what he wants. Dan is never going to get out of the way. It's up for you to make that happen.

Obviously, your wife doesn't care if you think you're the most caring guy ever. From an outside perspective, seeing how your wife and you are acting, I can see why she wouldn't want to be with you anymore. STOP ACTING SO WEAK. I'm not trying to insult you, but your begging will only make things worse.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

lidand said:


> did i mention i have been punched twice by lidia once in the face with her anger!


Wow. I supposed you want us to pity you now that you are a battered husband. Lol, you just need a complete makeover of manning up to gain your self respect back.


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

its not about manning up believe me i am all man it is about making lidia realise what a big mistake she is making there is so much to loose yet so much to gain if lidia drops dan and focuses on reallity which is a strong loving man waiting to move us into a real future!!!!! this isnt winging this is the reallity !!!


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

you must realise lidia has had it easy i do everything always have i have always led and lidia followed it has been like that for the last 9 years lidia has never had much get up and go i have always had the ideas instagated everything simply because she never wanted that responsability if it went wrong i was always to blame like this relationship i am to blame yet lidia has simply not contrabuted to our marriage you can see a list of her marital faults on page 3 or 4!!!!!


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

however i still love her very much and i need a commited way forward from her to try for the sake of everything to repair our marriage!!!!


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

can someone please tell lidia a way to forget her ea and focus on her marriage please?


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

did i also mention that before we started this buisness i was ill with i heart condition i had little or no support which our conciler thought would cause some degree of subconsious resentment to lidia


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

kick her out, call a lawyer and stop letting her have her cake and eat it too. Why should she stop the EA? You aren't doing anything about it. You are letting her stay in the marital home while she cheats.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

This is not a place to play childish games where you both come here and try to get everyone on your side or her side. It won't do any good. Actions work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

i am not looking for sides i am looking for the right way forward for our marriage the marriage i belive in we married for all the right reasons we have two beutifull kids a dog a buisness a house and contrary to lidias beleif we also had a life i just need to know what needs to be done on both sides to be able to move forward and have a successfull stronger than ever marriage??!!


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

can anyone come up with a suggestion on how lidia can realisticly walk away from her ea?


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## toolateforthis (Jan 6, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> My take is that the two of you are near hystarical (not using the word to mean "funny").
> 
> Both of you need to pull back and calm down. Then something can be resolved.
> 
> ...


I see what you mean, but I don't want to divorce just so I can be with someone else. Our marriage was to me, so damaged even before we separated, when I didn't even know the other guy. I like him a lot, but I am not ready to go into another relationship at the moment, however I do find it difficult to just cut off. I think if it is to finish, I'd like to have chance for it to happen naturally.
I want to divorce form my husband as I can't see how we could ever be ok together? Maybe, if, as you say if we both pull back and calm down, but then, after few days of calm, he wants more. So yeah, maybe we could be ok, but I don't think we ever could be good. As I said, I can try sacrifice for the children and live ok life with my husband providing he lets me stay in the separate bedroom and does not demand me being loving, caring and affectionate...


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## toolateforthis (Jan 6, 2013)

CantSitStill said:


> kick her out, call a lawyer and stop letting her have her cake and eat it too. Why should she stop the EA? You aren't doing anything about it. You are letting her stay in the marital home while she cheats.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't cheat, i just want to leave


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

she did cheat and he is still the reason we cant move forward!!!!


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

If you are still talking to this homewrecker that is cheating
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toolateforthis (Jan 6, 2013)

CantSitStill said:


> If you are still talking to this homewrecker that is cheating
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am not cheating, my husband knows I talk to him, he knows our marriage is, in my eyes, finished.

And please, do not call him homewrecker, you haven't spoken to the guy before, it is not fair


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

fully agree he is the only reason lidia is holding back from a real marriage with a true man who loves her!!!!


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

lidia is lying to herself if she cant see that while we were still together and doing counciling Dan was why we could not put it back together and this is why she annoiunced seperation because of him


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## toolateforthis (Jan 6, 2013)

lidand said:


> lidia is lying to herself if she cant see that while we were still together and doing counciling Dan was why we could not put it back together and this is why she annoiunced seperation because of him


I think you missed the point that now the counselling is focusing on trying to be partners for the children and separation


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

but i want this counciling to put our marriage back together all i was trying to do, you focused on the wrong thing him not us not our children not our life!


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

I'm CSS's husband..Damn it! You guys dont know what you both are asking for here!
The damage you both are doing to eachother is incredible,you both dont know what youre asking for.
You guys need to cool it and talk and get some counseling.
You cant take things that were said or done back.
Take it from someone who has been there.
Me and CSS could have found WAY better ways to work through this.
My God,you both dont know the hurts thats going to happend unless cooler heads prevail here.
Please work on this and done either of you do something stupid.
The pain is something that neither of you have ever experienced.
You both have a chance to stop this.
Dont go through what me and CSS did.
The ain last for awhile.
God,dont do this you guys.....oh crap.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Sorry,I'm a little emotional about stuff like this.
No one wins and it will haunt you both a long time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

please can you tell lidia to give me a six week chance we have six weeks left of counciling if she dropped her ea and focused on her marriage if we used this time to try and make adifference i know we could make it and see our 5th 10th 15th 20 th 25th marriage annerversery we were so good and it felt so naturall before all this i loved her from the first second i saw her and i still do i just want her back in my arms happy so we can have a future!?


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Calvin is my husband and yeah we've been through hell. Anyway, sorry for getting harsh. I do suggest you two see a different counselor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Lid,yes you need to show your wife more,your post tells me you do love her very much.
Toolate,it appears you have a decents man who cares about you a lot,you both have kids.
Toolate,my wives started out innocently enough,old bs from hs,she found him on fb.
He turned out to be a real bastard,I mean real bad.
He wanted one thing and one thing only.
Lid,dont give up.My POSOM almost mentally and physically hurt my wife.
I blew the affaif up big time,I had to.
Notoo,you have no idea what your about to step into,youre take one hell of a chance here,the odds are stacked against you big tim.
There will be a domino effect here if you stay in contact with this "man",many others will be hurt.
You WILL look back later and wonder why you did a stupid thing like this.
Can your husband improve himself? Yes he can and so can you.
Dont do this,the hurt on both sides takes a long time to get over.
I'm begging you both,dont let this spiral out of control.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

thankyou i am so hurt i just need that one real chance hope lidia will listen because she does not listen to anyone but ea


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Well I thought you were trying to reconcile. I didn't know that you are seperated yet living together. It's still disrespectful that you are talking to another man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

i really love this girl and i want this ea out of her life so that she can focus on us !!!


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Calvin is stll having a hard time with my having an EA. Even though he knows I would never talk to the other man again it still hurts him that I did that to him but with alot of hard work we will be ok.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

lidia still does not see that he is why we cant move forward i forgive the past totally if she wakes up and gives us a real chance at a future !!


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Let her go. But she should not be in the marital home and talking to another man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Your wife may have some real concerns but this is not only the wrong way to do about it,its also possible some damage may not be fixable unless you both get some counseling now.
The POSOM must go.
Would you guys really like to hear the story of the "man" that "loved" her?
Also how she told him she "loved" him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

yes


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Great
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Give me a minute,its hard.
Maybe I should have CSS tell it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

ugg
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

what is a posum?


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Me and CSS had some great years,the last few could have been better.We lost sight of eachother.
I went from being a leader to a dictator,she was pretty cold to me for awhile.
I'm going to make this as short as possible,even after eleven months it still hurts but things are headed in the right direction even if its slow going.
We both were guilty of neglecting eachother,I worked my tail off,she was a SAHM.
I had some anger issues,she brought some of them on.I still could have contoled myself much better.
CSS kicked me out,I came back a couple days later,I was staying in a homeless shelter.
After I came back I worked on myself...hard.
Nothing I could do would make her happy.
I begged,pleaded,cried and all that unmanly crap.
It pushed her away,gifts and flowers didnt work.
I suspected someone else and confirmed it by her cell phone.
We were in counseling at the time of her ea,I knew there was some other man.
The pos was an ex from high school.
I gave her a choice one night.Him or me.
She picked him.I made here leave.
I drained the bank account,cancled credit cards,took her off of life insurance policies and much more.
I still asked her again what she wanted.
It wasnt me.
The POS she wanted did time in prison,owed a lot of people money,had his check garneshed,he had no car,no house..nothing .
He talked a good game though,he was a player,he wanted one thing,a piece of ass.
He had no plans for a future.
I blew up the affair and exposed,I had to so I could get CSS out of la la land.
CSS did come to her senses and I brought her back home.We found a better counselor and are still working on our marriage and are getting there.
ThePOSOM really did turn out to be just that.
Everything he said to herwas a lie.
He got pissed at me breaking it up.He text and called me for 8 months with vile and disgusting lies about what he did to my wife and it was all untrue.He then started talking about my kids.
He set up fights with me only to ru.,he told me he was coming over to rape my wife in front of me and the kid
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

piece of shlt other man..alot of people use the word posom
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

This man was sweet as pie around my wife.
We had to go to the police after awhile.
I have seen him since then and he has ran.
Your OM has only his best interest in mind for him and him only.
The wife will be thrown uder the buss once he is exposed.
He doesnt care.He doesnt care that a familu will be torn apart.
Take steps to stop this now.
Thinktoo....you have no idea what you are about to lose.
Good luck guys.
CSS may have more to add to this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

she still isnt listening all hope of a final six week chance of a marriage rebuilding session looking very unhopefull she just cant see me and is not prepared to change as i am to make a future for our family even though lots of people have said she is handling the situation bad and that the best thing to do would be to try and repair us it is a very dispairing life she choose him over our marriage and that is the bit that really hurts!


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

i really know what i am loosing it is a shame lidia does not life is the lowest it could possibly be!


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

This guy who I was talking to for 4 months was seeing other girls also. I had found out later an so Calvin went and wrote one of them a letter. Now me and her are friends. She dumped him after she found out the truth about him. This jackass said some very vulgar things to Calvin. He has never been to my house yet tells Calvin he scewed me all over the house. I never got physical with the exOM. We finally went to the police so he would stop calling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

lidand said:


> she still isnt listening all hope of a final six week chance of a marriage rebuilding session looking very unhopefull she just cant see me and is not prepared to change as i am to make a future for our family even though lots of people have said she is handling the situation bad and that the best thing to do would be to try and repair us it is a very dispairing life she choose him over our marriage and that is the bit that really hurts!


You are right, if only she would cut all ties with the other guy. It still hurts Calvin, there are days he thinks about leaving me because it's so hard for him to let go of what I did. I was telling another man that I love him, I even met up with him a few times..we kissed, no tongue thank God but our relationship was emotional. It was an addiction. I liked the attention. Yet there was my husband just like you begging for my attention. Damn now im about to cry i gotta go. thisis too much
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lidand (Jan 6, 2013)

i am sorry i made yo so emotional about this if its any concilation i feel like crying aswell this dispair is killing me so much of my famly freinds and colleges are worried for my health they see me deteriating mentally and emotionally over this no one in ther life should ever have to go through so much suffering for love anyway thanks for talking to me i must go to bed now knd regards Andy please talk again soon!


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Good luck,talk to us anytime you feel the need
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Hey I suggest you browse around the coping with infidelity section and especially read the newbie info on top. They have real good advice for people in your situation. I believe they are called stickies. Read up it will help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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