# My Wife thinks I am a sex addict.



## wubby

My wife subscribes to this site and has asked me to join as well. I am not ultra conservative but then I am not ultra kinky either. I believe that some of the things she has read on this site have detracted from our marriage and even led her into extremist views of me. Since I was resistant to post anything, she wrote this up for me to post. This is her view of me and while it is not a complete surprise, I was a little shocked to see it in writing and it does explain a lot of the arguing. 

Here it is:

_I thought i would give you an idea of what to write on the post, you can always change it if you'd like.

Here it is...

Am I oversexed???

I am 48 y.o. man and married for 24 years with three children. I have been wondering for some time already if there is something wrong with me. My wife seems to think that i am oversexed, because according to her I think too much about sex. We have sex about twice a week, but I also masturbate at least 4 times a day.

I have to admit that I do fantasize alot about women and have watched pornography on and off throughout our marriage. As I said earlier I self gratify several times throughout the day. When I watch T.V. I find myself searching for images that will give me a thrill, images of attractive women whether during comercials, movies or even a simple show such as Star Treck. I even dream about them sometimes.

When I go out in public with my wife I feel the desire to look at other women and later on fantasize about them, that gets me into alot of trouble with her, she says it takes away from our relationship, and we argue about that alot. I can't seem to be able to look at an attractive woman without wanting to flirt or just wanting to fantasize about them. My question is, is this normal? do other guys feel this way. I love my wife but we argue this alot.

I would like your opinions and I have been reading Mark Twains posts and also would like his opinion about my situation. Thanks in advance._

Lets start with the first paragraph. It is essentialy correct except for the masturbation part. I have always been a one time I'm done for the day type of guy. Occasionaly I have been able to get erect and orgasm 2 or even 3 times but that was many years ago. But, I have also masturbated at times during our marriage and looked at on-line pornoghraphy. My wife found some pictures on my computer 8 months ago and I confessed to her, to our marriage counselor, and to a SA group. I have been sober since then but sometimes I get desparate because my wife now controls our sex life. One thing I have to mention, my wife has on a number of occasions over the past 7 years told me that she was giving up sex. Because all of my hormones didn't fall out of my body when she said this, I guess self-sex was my way of compensating. In retrospect, we should have gone to counseling right away. One more thing, I don't think its possible to masturbate 4 times a day. At least I know I can't.

The second and third paragraphs are sistemic to the first paragraph and I believe it shows her insecurity. I admit that I can find other women attractive physicaly and at times felt a sexual desire towards them. I also think this is normal and most men and women have thoughts of fantasy. As far as the flirting goes, it never happens. If I say hello to the waitress at a restaurant or the grocery clerk, my wife blows up and accuses me of flirting. My wife even accused me of having an affair with my married, pregnant boss. 

I never know what will set her off and I live in a constant state of anxiety. I have no job because she demanded that I quit (because of my boss) and our funds are running out. We went to counseling for a while but can no longer afford it. I feel that I no longer have any control over my life and our kids are suffering because of the constant arguing. In all of our arguments, she attacks and I defend. She no longer believes a word I say unless I threaten to leave (had to go as far as packing the other day). I am not sure if she loves me anymore or if she is afraid of being without me. She constantly asks me what I am doing or thinking but no longer believes a word I say. I am very confused. She if very good at twisting my words into what she wants to believe. 

I know this is a long post and I am sure you have heard all this before but I need some help. She truly believes what she wrote and that is a big problem for our marriage. I love my wife very much and she is the best thing that ever happened to me. I don't want to lose her.

BTW: she is going to blow up when she reads this. If anyone does respond to this post, please be very honest.


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## MarkTwain

wubby said:


> I would like your opinions and I have been reading Mark Twains posts and also would like his opinion about my situation. Thanks in advance


Geeeeeez how did I get involved in this? 

OK, you asked for honest answers. Are you sure you want them?

1) If you want more sex with your wife, stop all masturbation. Or if you must do it, do not ejaculate solo EVER. The reason this will help is that you will become so frustrated, you will actually be motivated to deal with point number 2.

2) If you think your wife will blow up at you for posting the above, I wonder what she's going to do to me when she reads this next part: The main reason your wife is not giving you as much sex as you want is almost certainly becuase you are a pushover and a doormat. She has no respect for you. How could you let her demand you pack in your job on a whim with the result that you are now broke. Not only does she not respect you for not standing up to her and saying NO, but on top of that, if there is one thing that particularly puts women off sex, it's running out of money. So she set you up to fail and you went along with it. What were you thinking?

The top two things that a husband can do to put a woman off them sexually are:
a) being too controlling of them.
b) letting them control you.

I wonder if you will have what it takes to stand up to her. Why not see if you can get your old job back? Or get a new one.



wubby said:


> My wife subscribes to this site and has asked me to join as well. I am not ultra conservative but then I am not ultra kinky either. I believe that some of the things she has read on this site have detracted from our marriage and even led her into extremist views of me. Since I was resistant to post anything, she wrote this up for me to post. This is her view of me and while it is not a complete surprise, I was a little shocked to see it in writing and it does explain a lot of the arguing.
> 
> Here it is:
> 
> _I thought i would give you an idea of what to write on the post, you can always change it if you'd like.
> 
> Here it is...
> 
> Am I oversexed???
> 
> I am 48 y.o. man and married for 24 years with three children. I have been wondering for some time already if there is something wrong with me. My wife seems to think that i am oversexed, because according to her I think too much about sex. We have sex about twice a week, but I also masturbate at least 4 times a day.
> 
> I have to admit that I do fantasize alot about women and have watched pornography on and off throughout our marriage. As I said earlier I self gratify several times throughout the day. When I watch T.V. I find myself searching for images that will give me a thrill, images of attractive women whether during comercials, movies or even a simple show such as Star Treck. I even dream about them sometimes.
> 
> When I go out in public with my wife I feel the desire to look at other women and later on fantasize about them, that gets me into alot of trouble with her, she says it takes away from our relationship, and we argue about that alot. I can't seem to be able to look at an attractive woman without wanting to flirt or just wanting to fantasize about them. My question is, is this normal? do other guys feel this way. I love my wife but we argue this alot.
> 
> I would like your opinions and I have been reading Mark Twains posts and also would like his opinion about my situation. Thanks in advance._
> 
> Lets start with the first paragraph. It is essentialy correct except for the masturbation part. I have always been a one time I'm done for the day type of guy. Occasionaly I have been able to get erect and orgasm 2 or even 3 times but that was many years ago. But, I have also masturbated at times during our marriage and looked at on-line pornoghraphy. My wife found some pictures on my computer 8 months ago and I confessed to her, to our marriage counselor, and to a SA group. I have been sober since then but sometimes I get desparate because my wife now controls our sex life. One thing I have to mention, my wife has on a number of occasions over the past 7 years told me that she was giving up sex. Because all of my hormones didn't fall out of my body when she said this, I guess self-sex was my way of compensating. In retrospect, we should have gone to counseling right away. One more thing, I don't think its possible to masturbate 4 times a day. At least I know I can't.
> 
> The second and third paragraphs are sistemic to the first paragraph and I believe it shows her insecurity. I admit that I can find other women attractive physicaly and at times felt a sexual desire towards them. I also think this is normal and most men and women have thoughts of fantasy. As far as the flirting goes, it never happens. If I say hello to the waitress at a restaurant or the grocery clerk, my wife blows up and accuses me of flirting. My wife even accused me of having an affair with my married, pregnant boss.
> 
> I never know what will set her off and I live in a constant state of anxiety. I have no job because she demanded that I quit (because of my boss) and our funds are running out. We went to counseling for a while but can no longer afford it. I feel that I no longer have any control over my life and our kids are suffering because of the constant arguing. In all of our arguments, she attacks and I defend. She no longer believes a word I say unless I threaten to leave (had to go as far as packing the other day). I am not sure if she loves me anymore or if she is afraid of being without me. She constantly asks me what I am doing or thinking but no longer believes a word I say. I am very confused. She if very good at twisting my words into what she wants to believe.
> 
> I know this is a long post and I am sure you have heard all this before but I need some help. She truly believes what she wrote and that is a big problem for our marriage. I love my wife very much and she is the best thing that ever happened to me. I don't want to lose her.
> 
> BTW: she is going to blow up when she reads this. If anyone does respond to this post, please be very honest.


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## MsLady

Broke or not, you guys need counseling.

Honestly, I don't think your wife should concern herself with how much you masturbate, be it once or four times per day. That is your body, your business, ESPECIALLY if she's withholding sex. Twice a week doesn't sound like withholding as much as it sounds like finding a compromise between a lower libido and a higher libido. It makes sense that you would make up the difference for yourself and that is your business and what you think about when you do it is your business. So, to me, it's irrelevant how often you masturbate ... and it should be to your wife (unless she is being deprived of sex due to the masturbation). 

I don't agree with MT that you should stop masturbating. That can make a guy (and some gals) cranky LOL - and it doens't seem like you'd get to substitute it with sex, so I don't see the problem with it. If it bothers your wife that much, then she should offer to substitute it with sex.

As for the flirting, there his version, her version and the truth. The truth probably falls somewhere in the middle. You probably flirt. And she's probably insecure. Different couples have different comfort zones with regards to each party flirting. You'll have to be honest with yourself about, whether you, in fact, are crossing a line. On the other hand, the fact that she asked you to quit a job because of jealousy toward someone with whom you had nothing but a working relationship (assuming you are telling the truth, which none of us can know) suggests that she is beyond insecure. I agree that it was wimpy to not stand up to her and point out that she needed counseling for this. I would love to hear how your wife thinks she knew that you were having something with your boss.

Do you make comments about women while watching t.v. with your wife, or walking down the street? How does she know what you are seeking out on the street or on t.v. and what you are fantacising about?

Bottom line: she has zero trust in you. Whether that's based on real behavior that you've engaged in or her imagination, insecurities and excessive jealousy - it's hard to know. But it must be worked through. Get thee back to counseling.


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## MarkTwain

MsLady said:


> I don't agree with MT that you should stop masturbating. That can make a guy (and some gals) cranky LOL - and it doens't seem like you'd get to substitute it with sex, so I don't see the problem with it. If it bothers your wife that much, then she should offer to substitute it with sex.


Yeah, it can make some men cranky! But masturbation ofetn makes men feel sedated, and this particular man needs to wake up!


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## Blanca

hey wubby, 

you're situation sounds a lot like what my H and I are going through. Ive had to learn to get over my resentment and learn how to be more secure with myself. actually, reading a lot of Gasoccerman's posts have helped me. its good to know that a women can be ok with her man flirting with other women. its an interesting new perspective for me and its something that has helped me a lot with my H. 

I used to flip out like your wife does. makes for a very unpleasant environment. and now that im sort of on the other side of the fence with this problem, and i understand the anxiety my H had to deal with because of my insecurities, I feel sorry for you. Im not saying that because i think you are innocent in the matter, or because she's a total terror, but just because i know how hard this situation is for both people. 

My H and i do boundary books every night now. in my opinion that is what has helped us the most. we're learning to be accountable for ourselves and not hold our spouse emotionally hostage for each other's feelings.


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## GAsoccerman

Well Personally I think you are a typical male.

We are visual creatures, we like to look at women, I wish i was Charlie on Two and a half men, I envy him!
LOL

I masturbate everyday, sometimes more then once, also my wife and I have sex normally 5 times a week, many quickies do to children around and work schedules lol

I agree with Mark your wife seems to be controlling you.

Really sad...where is the trust here? Have you ever cheated on her? have you ever given her a reason not to trust you? people flirt, it's natural, my wife flirts allt he time and she is georgous, she's gets hit on all the time, I get allot of men that tell me my wife is georgous.

She does have low self esteem, she wants to push the issue off on you, saying you have a problem, SHE DOES.

She doesn't trust you.
She is paranoid you will run off
She feels masturbating is taking place of sex, when it isn't.
twice a week is normal average for the low libido couple, I want 7 times a week 3x a day if at all possible...not going to happen, but hey that is my desire with MY WIFE.

She needs to learn to get over this low self esteem.

Buy her a sexy dress, take her out for a hot dinner date, make love to her in the car...get back to the days of being naughty with the wife, get that thrill going.

She is waiting for the shoe to drop....for whatever reason...she needs reassurance you still are hot for her and no one else.

I told my wife I was going to buy her a Removable Brass pole and set it up and she was going to be my personal stripper for a night, pole dancing and lap dancing....She wants to know when am I going to buy this pole....she is ready to dance.

Anyway, I think you guys need to get back to the "dating phase" make her feel sexy again, she is lacking right now.

mark has really solid advice, but I am on the otherside of the ball park, maybe either one of us can spur something for you guys. I wish you the best of luck.


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## Sensitive

I thought the behaviors you described were typical male. It does seem absurd to quit a job because your wife thinks you are flirting with the pregnant boss. I hope you get the counseling you need. Although this site has a lot of merit, it is not professional, customized therapy.


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## revitalizedhusband

MT is right, she doesn't respect you at all.

You quit your job because she told you to when she THOUGHT you were flrting with your pregnant, married boss...that speaks VOLUMES for why you aren't getting more sex.

If my wife told me to quit my job because she thought I was flirting with someone at work I'd tell her she was crazy and to just calm down.


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## MarkTwain

revitalizedhusband said:


> If my wife told me to quit my job because she thought I was flirting with someone at work I'd tell her she was crazy and to just calm down.


Yes, that's exactly what a wife wants to hear in *that situation*. What they don't want to hear is "yes dear, I'll quit my job immediately" - now that is what would worry them the most.


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## martino

GAsoccerman said:


> Well Personally I think you are a typical male.
> 
> We are visual creatures, we like to look at women, I wish i was Charlie on Two and a half men, I envy him!
> LOL
> 
> LOL GA! I love that show too!! always a Boobapalooza! that show and Curb Your Enthusiasm are it for me.


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## stevefdl

MarkTwain said:


> 1) If you want more sex with your wife, stop all masturbation. Or if you must do it, do not ejaculate solo EVER. The reason this will help is that you will become so frustrated, you will actually be motivated to deal with point number 2.


I don't agree with this at all. If I don't have sex for 2 days, I get really cranky. It's a hormonal thing, and not something I wish for.

It makes me aggressive, and I can barely sleep.

I don't think this advice helps most guys.


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## Chopblock

I think your wife is selfish! She is trying to put blame on you in order to make herself feel better for what she is failing to do.

For example: she claims she has self-esteem issues. Well what has she done to FIX them? She is trying to keep you browbeaten and confused, so you can't/don't see the TRUE source of the problem here.

Here is the WORST part. The longer she acts like this, the more she will BELIEVE her own lies. You have to fix this ASAP. Listen to Mark, and be a LOT more assertive. Do not be controlled by her. Do not fall for her tricks and no-win situations. Do not doubt yourself.


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## michzz

MsLady said:


> Broke or not, you guys need counseling.





MsLady said:


> I don't agree with MT that you should stop masturbating. That can make a guy (and some gals) cranky LOL - and it doens't seem like you'd get to substitute it with sex, so I don't see the problem with it. If it bothers your wife that much, then she should offer to substitute it with sex.


I agree


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