# Sext - sex = ?



## WanderingTheDesert (Nov 15, 2012)

My wife and I have has ongoing initiation issues. She typically rejects me 75-90% of the time. She refused to believe the me being erect and trying to warm her up with sweet talk, massage, grooming, etc was an initiation. we discussed it and she let me know that if I ask explicitly "Can we go upstairs and have sex?" That she would understand and accept my initiations. Well, realizing she lied to me (and probably herself) she still would not accept more than 25% of the time.

Me looking for a solution, I tried sexy emails. "You're so hot. I can't wait to see you tonight." And the like. No response. Days later she told me she liked the setting, but didn't know how to respond. We talked about it, and she promised shed think about it. Weeks go by, and I try again. This time she responds to my overtures, but entirely non sexually. This pattern has continued, and she claims to like it, but I'm playing one-man tennis here. She likes to receive, but when I escalate, she shuts down. This is straight texturbation. Any ideas or suggestions? I've basically given up initiating entirely, but feel like sexing could have been an inroad. 

One last note: a good friend and colleague of hers was recently murdered at a client meeting, leaving behind a young family. This seems to have lit a fire under her to initiate more. Instead of sex 3x/mo, it's about 3x/wk. I fully expect this hyperbonding to fade, and I'd like to strike while the iron is hot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

First, I would say work on yourself. It is a very real possibility that your wife isn't responding to your advances because she doesn't find you very appealing. It's more polite to play stupid and insist that she didn't know that when you texted her that you can't wait to see her underwear around her ankles, that you meant sex, rather than respond with a simple, "No thanks. I'm not really that into you."

So try to be sexier. If you're coming along on that front, then step 2 is to stop letting her play stupid. If she wants to reject you, make her reject you. Make her say, "No." Don't accept a delay. Don't accept her saying she wants to initiate. She obviously doesn't want to initiate. It's all just delaying tactics.

So, if she rejects you, take it in stride. If she tries to delay, force the issue.

Also, check out Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. for some good tips on how to deal with your situation.

Good luck.


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## WanderingTheDesert (Nov 15, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> First, I would say work on yourself. It is a very real possibility that your wife isn't responding to your advances because she doesn't find you very appealing. It's more polite to play stupid and insist that she didn't know that when you texted her that you can't wait to see her underwear around her ankles, that you meant sex, rather than respond with a simple, "No thanks. I'm not really that into you."
> 
> So try to be sexier. If you're coming along on that front, then step 2 is to stop letting her play stupid. If she wants to reject you, make her reject you. Make her say, "No." Don't accept a delay. Don't accept her saying she wants to initiate. She obviously doesn't want to initiate. It's all just delaying tactics.
> 
> ...


I suspect you're right. I'm almost finished reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy." I don't think I'm a textbook nice guy, but I definitely had been using covert contracts, and passive aggressive behaviors in our relationship. As I attempt to wrest more control from her, she has shown some resistance. 

I've been reading the MMSL blog, and will be getting the primer next. In that vain, though, I have joined a gym (with her) and she has been commenting on my progress over the last 3 months. Sex rank-wise, I'd put her at a 5, and me at a a 6, so I'm not entirely sure the structural elements are incredibly problematic. That said, I intend to continue the fitness training, and focusing on my attractiveness. The initiation is tough. I think about my lovely wife and all the rejection she has doled out, while other random women haven't rejected me at all. As I get older (36), I realize that my appeal to the general population of women seems higher than my appeal to my own wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WanderingTheDesert (Nov 15, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> First, I would say work on yourself. It is a very real possibility that your wife isn't responding to your advances because she doesn't find you very appealing. It's more polite to play stupid and insist that she didn't know that when you texted her that you can't wait to see her underwear around her ankles, that you meant sex, rather than respond with a simple, "No thanks. I'm not really that into you."
> 
> So try to be sexier. If you're coming along on that front, then step 2 is to stop letting her play stupid. If she wants to reject you, make her reject you. Make her say, "No." Don't accept a delay. Don't accept her saying she wants to initiate. She obviously doesn't want to initiate. It's all just delaying tactics.
> 
> ...


Thanks. I had the same thoughts myself. I'm nearly done reading "No More Mr Nice Guy". I know I'm not a textbook Nice Guy, though I do use covert contracts and other passive aggressive behavior. I intent to get the MMSL primer next (I was hoping the 2012/3 version would be out by now). I have been reading the MMSL blog periodically over the past year, and seen some very useful info. In pure sex rank, I'd rate her at a 5, and myself a 6, so I'm not sure I can do much on that front to help this marriage. Regardless, we both joined a gym about 3 months ago and I have been at it 3-5 days a week, with noticeable results.

I find initiating difficult from the long history of rejection. She would tell you that she likes it when I initiate, but she still denies me. Last time she denied me, I asked her to sleep in another bedroom. That resulted in a long talk with some healing, but little action.


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## Lonely&ConfusedMe (Jan 26, 2013)

Being the sole initiator definitely isn't any fun. I play that role as well. At least I did until recently when my wife admitted to not being attracted to me. She can't tell me why, but in the mean time I'm working on myself and trying to be patient. I empathize though, it's tough having the whole responsibility of initiation, it's even tougher handling the rejection. Hang in there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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