# Husband is interested in sex, but not intimacy



## ScarlettPeach (Oct 8, 2012)

I have a somewhat unusual problem, I think. My first date with my husband was almost three years ago after we met on a online dating website. Our first date we spent 3 hours talking about nothing but sex and it was hot! We had both been married twice before and neither of us was looking to get married again, but we both wanted companionship.

My background is more common, I've had many sex partners over the years and always enjoyed a very healthy sex life, however; my husband is quite different. His sexual preferences run to the more exotic. He found the BDSM lifestyle in his 20's primarily because it let him explore sex without having to engage in conventional sex. He gets more sexual gratification from seeing women dressed in fetishwear (leather, pvc, latex etc.) and simply touching or rubbing on them than actually having sex. He also has a definite ideal body type and as luck would have it, I'm not it. 

We have both been involved in the BDSM lifestyle since we met, because I found it fascinating and enjoy wearing the fetishwear myself, but it has proven to be more of a challenge than anything else. While I enjoy the BDSM world, I prefer really good "vanilla" sex, especially giving and receiving oral sex. My husband made it quite clear early on that he would not give oral sex and he really didn't care anything about receiving it as he preferred a handjob. 

Our issue now is that my husband and I have almost no sex life at all. We play about once a month or so and it's usually mutual masturbation, we haven't had intercourse in almost 6 months. He is continually on the internet looking for another woman to play with us or act as a submissive or slave to serve both of us (I'm bisexual) however, he has shown no interest in trying to return the intimacy to our relationship. It's clear that he prefers these out of the normal scenarios to having an intimate relationship with me and I'm just about at the end of my rope. Our marriage is now suffering, BADLY!! Any suggestions???


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## justbidingtime (Sep 25, 2012)

Really???? Sounds like there was little intimacy ever and you abided by his set of rules and interests. Doesn't sound like anything changed outside you realizing that this is all about him and you two don't mesh. But you knew that from the first date......

After all your partners and healthy understanding and enjoyment of sex, how exactly did you end up in this obvious predicament????


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Sounds pretty hot all around (potential FFM threesomes, BDSM) except for the no oral part. Don't get that one. I suppose that if you take this to other levels with a third party, the frequency would improve.


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## justbidingtime (Sep 25, 2012)

40isthenew20 said:


> Sounds pretty hot all around (potential FFM threesomes, BDSM) except for the no oral part. Don't get that one. I suppose that if you take this to other levels with a third party, the frequency would improve.


How exactly is it hot? He has a serious BDSM fetish, which often can mean no actual penetrative sex or oral and it is all about eloborate role playing. 

Unless you have a bdsm bent, which often is just high end role playing and a love for 50 shades of grey it can get boring in the long run....


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

ScarlettPeach said:


> I have a somewhat unusual problem, I think. My first date with my husband was almost three years ago after we met on a online dating website. Our first date we spent 3 hours talking about nothing but sex and it was hot! We had both been married twice before and neither of us was looking to get married again, but we both wanted companionship.
> 
> My background is more common, I've had many sex partners over the years and always enjoyed a very healthy sex life, however; my husband is quite different. His sexual preferences run to the more exotic. He found the BDSM lifestyle in his 20's primarily because it let him explore sex without having to engage in conventional sex. He gets more sexual gratification from seeing women dressed in fetishwear (leather, pvc, latex etc.) and simply touching or rubbing on them than actually having sex. He also has a definite ideal body type and as luck would have it, I'm not it.
> 
> ...


find a way for him to fall in love with you. he doesnt love you. he wont give you what you need unless he does.
he needs to drop the fetish as it apparently consumes him to the detriment of your relationship, you arent a loved person. you are a toy gone wrong. Good chance neither of you should have gotten married this third time. wish you and him luck.
Dont be surprised if he doesnt come around. As stated, you kind of knew this going in.
My wife is a sub, but sorry. i dont loan her out.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

You knees his preferences when you got married. Why are you expecting him to change now?


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## justbidingtime (Sep 25, 2012)

And again looking at the title of the thread, I need to point out you don't have sex, per se, you get each other off manually and externally.

Heck Bill Clinton would certainly not call that sex under oath


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

justbidingtime said:


> How exactly is it hot? He has a serious BDSM fetish, which often can mean no actual penetrative sex or oral and it is all about eloborate role playing.
> 
> Unless you have a bdsm bent, which often is just high end role playing and a love for 50 shades of grey it can get boring in the long run....


 :iagree:








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## Michael A. Brown (Oct 16, 2012)

Maybe a doctor could help you on how to regain your husband's sex drive.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

There is a saying in the BDSM scene that most BDSM problems can be solved by taking the BDSM out of it.

What I mean is, if you take the latex out of this story, all you have left is an obvious case of incompatible sexual interests and a possible case of low attraction.

He is not interested in vanilla sex and you are. That's a pretty huge problem.

If he was never into vanilla sex the chance that he will grow into it in the future is low.

So you choose to live with that or not.

I'm also worried that he will find another sub he likes better than you.

Even if its a BDSM marriage it is still a marriage and as his wife you have every right to insist that he be monogamous with you.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Sorry, but your story reminds me of people who buy a dog and then complain that it barks. I just don't get it...

Best thing you can do is have a heart-to-heart talk about the situation. Tell him what you need. Perhaps there is a chance you mean enough to him to make some real changes. If you really both got married for companionship, I highly doubt you'll see any progress. 

Good luck.


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