# Going through the grinder



## prospector (Dec 5, 2017)

Thought I would share my story . I am 58 and my beautiful wife is 66. Been together 18 years . Had a great marriage , never had a proper argument as we never had a reason to . I went weaway for 6 months to work 4000 km away . Everything seemed ok . I knew I had been taking things for granted a bit and realised this while I was away I also realized that I needed to give up smoking as she really hated it and the cost that went with it. Two weeks before I got back I noticed a change in her attitude on the phone she was acting a bit cold and not saying she loved me too like she usually did. Anyway the day I got back I told her that I realised that I had been taking her for granted and that it was stopping and also the smoking. We were already putting thev house on the market and heading down to our retirement cottage in the wine region. So I said it would be a new chapter in our life etc. She started to cry and told me she had gotten used to living on her own and enjoyed it and hadn't missed me like she should have and realised she didn't love me anymore. And that our marriage was over. She wanted a permanent separation. I was devastated she had already told her 2 adult sons a couple of days before and they told me they were in shock especially the. uyounger one that lives with us some of the time . I broke all the rules for the first month, begging and crying etc. We are now in the 4th month and still in the same house til Jan next year when the house sale goes through and its killing me as everything seems normal but separate rooms and though she shows me some affection ie peck on the cheek ,concern about me etc she won't show any love and still deterned that its over. The crazy thing is she wants me to stay with the older stepson for a few months when we both leave town and she goes to the cottage. She says its because she is worried about me being on my own . I am planning on buying a caravan and living on a lease out bush . We will be 5000km apart then so I said that I won't get a chance to date her or try to win her back .she said that's for trial separations and that she considered the 6 months as the trial and this is the real one. She wants to stay friends and has offered to store stuff I want to keep and can't take with me etc. Do you think its a late life crisis?and is there hope that she is not as certain as she thought. I thought maybe that's why she still wants close contact with me staying at my stepsons place. Your thoughts would be appreciated . Thank you


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

Have you investigated to see if your wife is having an affair. A lot of red flags here.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Don't dance the pick me dance. Either investigate HARD if there is someone else if you want to try save marriage.
Otherwise, file for divorce as fast as you can, get a new suit and start dating.

Sounds cold, but if a woman decides you don't meet the criteria anymore, ya might as well save yourself some pain and move on.

Some women just want to be alone, some want someone else.


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## prospector (Dec 5, 2017)

Yes mate . That's the first thought I had. But we live in a very small town and I have done everything I could and have to admit if it is its an emotional one and not a physical one. She is a very strong independent woman and if there was another man I would not be here . The house is in her name and she could have me gone if she wanted to . Plus she is moving 3000 km from here in Jan.


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## prospector (Dec 5, 2017)

I brought up the subject of divorce and she said she didn't see the need to . That we could stay separated . We have both been through divorces before . I need to add there has been no abuse either physical ,mental or verbal in all our years together. No real issues at all . She has made a point of telling her family and the boys that I have done absolutely nothing wrong and that her feelings towards me have changed and she doesn't love me the same anymore. 

She knows that I am still madly in love with her and says it is hurting her to see me in so much pain but she can't help the way she feels and doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with me anymore. She wants to live alone and not have to worry about anyone 
else. 
I have got to the point where I realise that I need to drive away and let her go do her own thing in January but its so bloody hard . And apart from her family and a couple of close friends of mine she doesn't want people to know so we act as if everything is normal in public . The strain is starting to get to me I must admit


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

prospector said:


> I brought up the subject of divorce and she said she didn't see the need to . That we could stay separated . We have both been through divorces before . I need to add there has been no abuse either physical ,mental or verbal in all our years together. No real issues at all . She has made a point of telling her family and the boys that I have done absolutely nothing wrong and that her feelings towards me have changed and she doesn't love me the same anymore.
> 
> She knows that I am still madly in love with her and says it is hurting her to see me in so much pain but she can't help the way she feels and doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with me anymore. She wants to live alone and not have to worry about anyone
> else.
> I have got to the point where I realise that I need to drive away and let her go do her own thing in January but its so bloody hard . And apart from her family and a couple of close friends of mine she doesn't want people to know so we act as if everything is normal in public . The strain is starting to get to me I must admit


I don't know about your home, but here we have very good reasons to file for legal divorce when a marriage ends. For example, after a certain number of years a spouse is entitled to a portion of the other spouses retirement, social security, etc. Also, asset division is effected by the length of marriage. Not to mention life insurance, next of kin medical decisions should you become incapacitated, and legal liability if one of you does something foolish. So, yes, if the marriage is over there should be a divorce filed.

I see no reason not to seek a support system. She's ended the marriage. She doesn't get to play happy family to the public. If you feel strained pretending for the sake of appearances, then stop pretending. She lost the right to have an opinion about what you do and say when she told you it was over.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Divorce is my recommendation. 

Otherwise, if you have any intention of getting into another relationship in the future (maybe not soon but you should always keep your options OPEN) there are very few quality women who will want to be with a separated but not divorced man. They'll always feel in competition with your wife, no matter how separated and amicable you remain. They'll expect you to drop the other shoe to be with them. So, you may as well do it now and rip off the bandaid. Limbo is no way to live.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

So who's the other man? ....because there is one.


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## prospector (Dec 5, 2017)

I have found no evidence at all of another man. And believe me I have looked .I think the main problem is that when she wasn't missing me while I was away and was enjoying being by herself she said she went online and found out that many women in their mid sixties isn't were walking away from their marriage. When the bomb first dropped I went on and looked at these to try to understand . The articles ar e all by women who have done it and say how happy they are they did. So I think that was an influence. And I realise that divorce is the eventual outcome in the end. But I am hoping that once she has been on her own properly that she will realise that it isn't all its cracked up to be. She seems to almost be regretting her decision sometimes but then the barrier comes back up. The fact she wants me to stay with her son for a few months makes me wonder if she isn't that sure of her decision. At the moment we are so busy trying to sort out the house and get rid of everything before the house settlement and its almost like normal except no kissing on the lips . Pecks on the cheek and quick cuddle. Sleeping separate rooms . Good friends but not a couple . The boys are coming for Xmas. The hard thing for me is I left everything behind when we married and I came over here. The only family I have is her and her family. I have a couple of real friends but they have their own families and lives. I am hoping its a late life crisis and thats why she doesn't want to cut ties with me


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Let me guess... no sex for years? 5-10 years? You have ED and she said she didn't need intercourse, so all was good in your books? That's usually how these stories go if there is no OM involved. Needs were not being met.

Did she generate most of the income for both of you?


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## prospector (Dec 5, 2017)

Colorado , no mate after menopause her sex drive dropped and sex was sporadic. She was the main income over the last 5 years as I am reliant on tourists and that has taken a big hit. I realise now that has taken its toll as well. And as I said I realised that I was taking her and the marriage for granted. She told me that she hated it when I used to ask her to pick me up so.e cigarettes as it burnt her to pay for them. It was my only vice though . I am only a social drinker .and I don't gamble etc and I have always made ok money apart from the last few years.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

There is a lot more to this story I am sure. Was she a bad communicator ? Did she communicate how she felt before this decision ?

Reading stories about walkaway wives in their 60's is one thing but there are normally clearer reasons/drivers.

Also others have asked you questions about prior to this what your sex life was like, did she accept/prefer a non-sexual relationship, was she the main earner etc.

She had a family before she met you, and she seemed to be financially independent - so why did she marry you (8 years younger) ?

Not so much red flags as too many questions for this to be as cut and dry as she makes it out to be. Something else is going on.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

prospector said:


> Colorado , no mate after menopause her sex drive dropped and sex was sporadic. She was the main income over the last 5 years as I am reliant on tourists and that has taken a big hit. I realise now that has taken its toll as well. And as I said I realised that I was taking her and the marriage for granted. She told me that she hated it when I used to ask her to pick me up so.e cigarettes as it burnt her to pay for them. It was my only vice though . I am only a social drinker .and I don't gamble etc and I have always made ok money apart from the last few years.


Get a job that isn't seasonal. Even something like Uber if that's all that's there for you. Take charge of your life. Steady work would do you a lot of good.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

prospector said:


> Colorado , no mate after menopause her sex drive dropped and sex was sporadic. She was the main income over the last 5 years as I am reliant on tourists and that has taken a big hit. I realise now that has taken its toll as well. And as I said I realised that I was taking her and the marriage for granted. She told me that she hated it when I used to ask her to pick me up so.e cigarettes as it burnt her to pay for them. It was my only vice though . I am only a social drinker .and I don't gamble etc and I have always made ok money apart from the last few years.


Emotions inform all of us.

ANYTIME you let the woman become the main earner, you risk the relationship


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## prospector (Dec 5, 2017)

Slarty, you make a lot of sense mate. The thing is that she does a lot of little things that show she still cares. So I am getting mixed messages that keep giving me hope again every time I think I have started to accept it ! And your right ,she will be soft oand suddenly the barrier is back up . She said she is so sad about me as she had months to think and come to her decision . And though I had realised I had been taking it all for granted I didn't realise the situation upsmokingkwas that bad . She had been unhappy at work in the last 2years due to pressure there and I thought that was the problem. I just can't accept that all the loveom she had for me is gone and I still see flashes of it here and there . Surely not all separations end in divorce. And if she really thought that it was over forever wouldnt she want to cut all ties ? I feel like she wants me there in case . Since I gave up smoking she seems happier with me and said why couldn't you have done that before. Sometimes it almost feels like she is waiting to see if I keep up with the changes I have made. I always told her regularly how much I loved her and how the happiest years of my life are the ones with her. She told me that she knows how much I love her and thats what's making lt hard for her as well.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

When are you going to stop blaming yourself for the decision she made without you? 

If she had problems with you she could have spoken up. Sounds like she really didn't. Instead she blindsided you making a unilateral decision to end the marriage and have you blaming yourself. 

Move out and cut her out of your life. She can't have her cake and eat it too.


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## prospector (Dec 5, 2017)

Broken 
I realise what your saying is true mate and I suppose that is what hurts the most. She made the decision while I was away to destroy what we had and to destroy my life and I didn't have a say in the matter. As I said it was only in the last couple of weeks I was away I noticed the change in her attitude towards me . I think the killer wad today when I rubbed her leg and she told me stop and I was crossing the line . I did it affectionately not in a sexual way . We have been like normal for the last few days as we have been flat out getting things ready and having lawn sales in preparation for settlement on the house. I think I hit a turning point and realised that the only reason I am still here is because she needs my help and she doesn't have anyone else to help her ! So I have decided to move out this week even though its going to kill me to do so . Where I am going has no internet access so I will let you all know how it is going when I come back into town for shopping. I am in bits atm and so close to Xmas I'm not sure how I am going to cope. My 2 stepsons are here for Xmas and want to make it a family day for me but I am worried that I will get a bit maudlin and ruin it for everyone :-( .


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

There is a Virginia Slim chance that you can turn this around.

These are the things needed. No promises, just possibilities.

Quit the damn cigarettes. Your mouth, face, clothes reek of stinking tobacco. She, being a non-smoker has learned to HATE this odor.
Quit, cold turkey. Get the nicotine patches. They may help.

Groom yourself to the 'nines'. Nice haircut, freshly shaven, fingernails trim, nose hairs, ear hairs removed. Eyebrows trimmed. No beard, no mustache.
Dress cleanly, fresh underwear, clean nice slacks and shirt. Shower daily.

Exercise, get your body fit looking.
Be pleasant and cheerful around her ALWAYS. Smile a lot.
Do not beg, make no effort to directly change her mind.
Do chores around the house without being asked, Keep the house neat.

If you move to the caravan, your chances of reconciliation are greatly diminished. She wants her son around to keep an eye on you. To ensure no women come a-knockin.
She is not sure what she wants to do.

I believe that there is no other man. That may change. Or, her other man is an online affair. One, that she is working toward. Being online, she is not to sure of this guy either.
Who knows?

You left your woman for many months in a row...and often. What did you expect?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i personally think your doing the right thing in leaving for a bit, i think that now that your not in the picture on a regular basis she will have time to reflex further on her decision. The concept of being alone is at times enjoyable but however it is one thing to be alone in a house full of people and alone in solitude, she may discover that it is not as enjoyable as she had hoped. either way you need time to reflex as well. i wish you luck on your journey.


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## prospector (Dec 5, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> There is a Virginia Slim chance that you can turn this around.
> 
> These are the things needed. No promises, just possibilities.
> 
> ...


I have given up the smokes and as for smartening up I am already quite dapper and into my designer clothes . I think you are spot on with almost everything. I am positive there isn't anyone physically atm . And this was the longest I was away from here . Before this it was only a couple of weeks at the longest that I was away at a time.. I sometimesthink she is someone else lately as she has become quite cruel with some of her comments and so cold at timesthen she will be quite caring at other times . So it does seem like she is gogoing through phases. Anyway she is adamant that once settlement on the house is done next month then I head over to my stepson and she goes her way . Xmas is going to be so hard trying to act normal when I don't feel normal . At the moment I know she needs my help to arrange disposal of the household goods etc and although part of me knows I am being used I don't want to turn her totally against me by not helping her. I am so bloody confused atm ! I am away from the house atm caretaking somewhere but able to come in during the daytime so we will see how that goes . At worst its a slow introduction to not being with her I suppose . My youngest stepson is waiting for the right time to have a chat withher and ask from him does she thithink there is any chance of us getting back together in the future. He loves us both and is pretty upset though he doesn't show it much


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## prospector (Dec 5, 2017)

He is 30 now so I have been there for him since he became a teenager


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Breakups hurt the family just as much as the former marriage partners.

Tell all concerned that you will still be there for them, no matter what happens.

She likely does not want to give you the impression that there is any chance. Hence, the nastiness.

Plus, some people handle, live through stress by being short tempered, plain nasty.

Counter this by being pleasant. It works better than you think.

Speak gently and softly to her. This will work against her resolve. Unless, she really hates you.

I think it is more resentment than anything else. You leaving her alone. She is obviously bitter.

A shame, you seem like a decent chap.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

prospector said:


> I have given up the smokes and as for smartening up I am already quite dapper and into my designer clothes . I think you are spot on with almost everything. I am positive there isn't anyone physically atm . And this was the longest I was away from here . Before this it was only a couple of weeks at the longest that I was away at a time.. I sometimesthink she is someone else lately as she has become quite cruel with some of her comments and so cold at timesthen she will be quite caring at other times . So it does seem like she is gogoing through phases. Anyway she is adamant that once settlement on the house is done next month then I head over to my stepson and she goes her way . Xmas is going to be so hard trying to act normal when I don't feel normal . At the moment I know she needs my help to arrange disposal of the household goods etc and although part of me knows I am being used I don't want to turn her totally against me by not helping her. I am so bloody confused atm ! I am away from the house atm caretaking somewhere but able to come in during the daytime so we will see how that goes . At worst its a slow introduction to not being with her I suppose . My youngest stepson is waiting for the right time to have a chat withher and ask from him does she thithink there is any chance of us getting back together in the future. He loves us both and is pretty upset though he doesn't show it much


Why is she deciding that you have to live with your stepson? Why do you have to help her separate the property? 

My 2 cents, Take whatever you want right now property wise and live where ever the hell you want on the planet. You don't need her permission or her liking it. You don't have to continue bleed over the holidays because of her schedule. Take your stuff and go and never ever reach out to her again. 

She IS being absolutely cruel to you and you don't have to help HER feel better doing it. She clearly is not helping you feel anything except what it feels to have a a dagger twisted in you, .


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Or hand her a suitcase and tell HER to leave right now! She wants out she can get out. Pack her stuff and send it to storage one month paid in advance with a set of keys. 

You should not feel normal through Xmas and put up a face of bliss and normalcy through the holidays because she suits her. Cooperating with her is not going to win her back. She made a unilateral decision that was "hey, starting January 1, 2018 I want you in my rear view mirror. I expect you to cooperate. "

You should be really mad at her sir, Tell her she wants out, get the F out right now! This minute!


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## prospector (Dec 5, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Breakups hurt the family just as much as the former marriage partners.
> 
> Tell all concerned that you will still be there for them, no matter what happens.
> 
> ...


Hey mate I don't believe she hates me , and it isn't over me leaving her on her own . She is a very independent woman and I have always gave her space . She says she still cares about me but she isisn't in love with me anymore it died away and us being apart for months just made her realise it . I still believe it is a sudden realisation that she is getting older and wants a crack at seeing what a carefree life is like.


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## prospector (Dec 5, 2017)

And youare right about the cruel and cold comments being about not giving me false hope or showing weakness . She was having anxiety attacks for a while back when the bomb dropped. As I said I just have to let it play out as I have done all I can do to change what's happening. I have to accept it and see what happens over the next few months. Especially when she is on her own properly. And has the time to reflect. As I said I have not done anything really terrible apart from taking her and my life for granted


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Love is a fickle flower.
One word, one look, it falls away.
Your flower died a day at a time.
Hour by hour.

Fragile, these, our hens.


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