# Can't Orgasm w/me, but can w/himself



## otter64 (Aug 9, 2011)

My husband is 49 and we have been married for 23 yrs. We used to have a GREAT sex life, but now he can't have an orgasm with me, but is able to if he does it himself or if I do oral. Could it be he's not in love with me anymore? He said he loves me very much, but he's not sure he's in love with me because he can't orgasm with me and I don't understand it. I was sick the past few years and we didn't have sex, but I'm better now. During that time, he was on a lot of porn sites, lost alot of weight, started exercising, lifting weights, bought alot of new clothes, is practicing dancing (which he would never do before) and always talks about that fact he's going to be 50 this year and what has he done with his life. I was thinking it could be a mid life crisis. He's able to get a hard on with me, but just not an orgasm. I don't want to lose my marriage and I am willing to do anything to help with this issue. Does anyone have any advice, suggestions or anything to help me know what to do or what I'm dealing with? Thank YOU!


----------



## Ayrun (Jun 12, 2011)

This is a really bad sign. Run.


----------



## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Porn is an awful, destructive addictive thing. It replaces real intimate sex, with masturbating to unrealistic screen images of a never ending stream young women who participate in ever more degrading sex acts. 

However your husband chooses to view it. 

I would also be suspicious that he is having an affair or on his way to doing that.

I think you should go to counseling for yourself. because you are worth far more then what your husband is giving you.


----------



## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I agree I would be very suspicious if I were you.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Lots of red flags. I'd be highly suspicious too.


----------



## e.p. (Jun 10, 2011)

otter64 said:


> ... lost alot of weight, started exercising, lifting weights, bought alot of new clothes, is practicing dancing (which he would never do before) and always talks about that fact he's going to be 50 this year and what has he done with his life.


Might be a mid-life crisis. Might be that he's manning up and improving himself a-la Athol's marriedmansexlife.com



otter64 said:


> I don't want to lose my marriage and I am willing to do anything to help with this issue. Does anyone have any advice, suggestions or anything to help me know what to do or what I'm dealing with? Thank YOU!


Besides you being sick for awhile, is there any other reason he wouldn't want to or would not enjoy sex as much? I'm not looking to shoot the messenger but have you gained weight? Lost emotional/physical connection outside the bedroom? 

I say this because I'm in a similar situation, and I'm 29  I've started manning up, lost weight, hit the gym, expanding my horizons in other areas in hopes that my wife would follow (also part of what Athol preaches). I weigh less and am in better shape than I was on my wedding day. She's gained a solid 50lbs in the past 4 years and dumps all her energy into the kids and her hobbies treating me more or less as an afterthought, and honestly it is more difficult to be intimate with her. 

My sincere advice is to take an honest look at yourself before you jump on the "he's cheating on me" bandwagon. By all means, if you have your **** together, it is something to think about.

-e.p.


----------



## finebyme72 (Jul 12, 2011)

I'm wondering if he's found another outlet for his sexual needs while you were sick. Those are certainly the classic signs. But it could be that he has some emotional baggage from you being sick. My wife had ovarian cancer / tumors right around the time both of my parents died and I certainly had some emotional baggage from it. I ended up losing 50 lbs through diet and exercise. I didn't have sexual dysfunction because of it but certainly could have.


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

otter64 said:


> I was sick the past few years and we didn't have sex, but I'm better now.


I wonder if you could unpack this a little... 

Certainly your illness is more important than sex, but if you didn't tend to him at all sexually, it is disappointing but not completely surprising that he would seek a way to get his needs met. Especially if you are talking years. It would start with porn and escalate.

I say this stuff only because, if you guys try to make it work, I can almost guarantee when confronted he will see the "past few [sexless] years" as the cause for the breakdown and not the porn and whatever else is going on.


----------



## Ayrun (Jun 12, 2011)

Did he take the vow, "In sickness and in health"?


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Many argue there is no such thing as "in love" it is just the rush of chemicals that goes along with the intensity of new relationships and eventually we get accustomed to the repetition and it fades. If he is with you and hasn't told you he wants to leave I'd say he definitely loves you a lot... I don't see many "red flags" it very likely is mid-life crisis, so go with it, if he is still able to make love without climaxing inside you can still appreciate the sex and intimacy, and there are things you can do together to work on restoring some of the intensity - and by his actions of improving himself he is already going half way there so let yourself respond in kind.

ps the physiology of orgasm is not directly tied to emotional bond.


----------



## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Acorn said:


> I wonder if you could unpack this a little...
> 
> Certainly your illness is more important than sex, but if you didn't tend to him at all sexually, it is disappointing but not completely surprising that he would seek a way to get his needs met. Especially if you are talking years. It would start with porn and escalate.
> 
> I say this stuff only because, if you guys try to make it work, I can almost guarantee when confronted he will see the "past few [sexless] years" as the cause for the breakdown and not the porn and whatever else is going on.


I think if you are sick, your spouse should be understanding. not seeking to have their sexual needs met by others.

They should love you enough to take care of it themselves. Not use your sickness as an excuse to be selfish.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I would worry about an affair.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

otter64 said:


> My husband is 49 and we have been married for 23 yrs. We used to have a GREAT sex life, but now he can't have an orgasm with me, but is able to if he does it himself or if I do oral. Could it be he's not in love with me anymore? He said he loves me very much, but he's not sure he's in love with me because he can't orgasm with me and I don't understand it. I was sick the past few years and we didn't have sex, but I'm better now. During that time, he was on a lot of porn sites, lost alot of weight, started exercising, lifting weights, bought alot of new clothes, is practicing dancing (which he would never do before) and always talks about that fact he's going to be 50 this year and what has he done with his life. I was thinking it could be a mid life crisis. He's able to get a hard on with me, but just not an orgasm. I don't want to lose my marriage and I am willing to do anything to help with this issue. Does anyone have any advice, suggestions or anything to help me know what to do or what I'm dealing with? Thank YOU!


He could have a health problem like diabetes that effects function. 

Why does everyone always figure he's getting it elsewhere?

Worth checking out his health.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

michzz said:


> He could have a health problem like diabetes that effects function.
> 
> Why does everyone always figure he's getting it elsewhere?
> 
> ...


Because she said he can cum without her.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Syrum said:


> Because she said he can cum without her.


Does not eliminate a potential health problem. Neuropathy from something like diabetes could do exactly that.


----------

