# I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife



## alexgunn (Mar 26, 2017)

As the title suggests, this situation is a crap show.

I have been married to my wife for 10 years, we’re mid-30’s. I don’t usually use the term ‘best friend’ but in this posting I will, because if I had to pick one it would be him. I have a friend who I have been very close friends with for 30 years. We were each other’s best man at our weddings, for him, both of his weddings. 

My friend was married for 2 years to a woman he has a child with and was with for a total of 8 years. They have been divorced for 6 years and he is re-married. He left his ex-wife for another woman, and despite being a jerk off he does still care about his ex-wife. Especially since they share a child. 

His ex-wife and I work in related fields. Three weeks ago there was a 7 day conference/training program that we both attended. I had no idea that she would be there but recognized her immediately. It was awkward in the beginning and we avoided each other. We haven’t talked since their divorce.

She has been single since their divorce. She has a bad past, which involved rape, molestation and abuse from multiple family members most of her childhood. She has a lot of trouble trusting men that she doesn’t know. It takes a long time to earn her trust and new men are not going to stick around for that. 

She was always sitting alone and I felt bad for her. My friend ripped her heart out, stomped on it and ripped it to shreds. He left her for another woman, a ‘normal’ woman, and instantly made a family with her. I sat with her and just tried to get her to talk to me. I stupidly told her that I was divorced. I don’t know why I said that, it just quickly flew from my mouth to try and make her feel better. After that I kept sitting with her because I felt like I had to at that point. We went out to lunch a few times, because the food there wasn’t great. She was flirting a bit and I let it happen because in my head I was thinking that it was harmless, maybe made her feel better and once we're home we never see each other. I flirted back, along the same thinking that it would be harmless and make her feel better. On the last day we went out to dinner and afterwards I walked her back to her room. Before I left I kissed her and one thing led to another and we had sex. Right before we had sex she told me that she hadn’t been intimate with anyone since her ex-husband. Immediately after the sex I realized what I had done to my wife and I left. That hurt the other woman immensely. I cannot get the image of her facial expression when I walked out and told her I was married, out of my mind. Then I proceeded to say that I felt bad for her and things went to far, making her think it was a pity ****. I mean, it was, in a way. That’s what led to it. She is a gorgeous woman though. 

This occurred 3 weeks ago. My wife doesn’t know, nor does my friend. My wife is my world. I have never cheated on her before this. We have a good marriage, there are ups and downs of course but I’m happy with her. I don’t want to lose my family, my wife and my kids mean everything to me. I don’t want to hurt my wife but I betrayed her in the worst possible way. She doesn’t suspect anything, if she does she hasn’t said anything. I have no idea how to talk to my wife about it, I have never been in this situation before. I don’t want to unnecessarily hurt my wife. I am never going to cheat on her again. Should I still tell her? It is probably the biggest mistake of my life. Should I keep it buried and hope my wife never finds out? That seems worse, but it would spare her the pain. I would rather live in pain than fill her with pain to get it off my chest.

Then there is my close friend. He has no idea either. He and his ex-wife don’t talk unless it’s directly about their child, and even then it’s very limited. I don’t think she would tell anyone, but who knows really. She was totally humiliated by what I did, I would think that she doesn’t want to tell anyone. If this does come out, I don’t want to lose a good friend. He has always been against friends getting involved with ex’s. That relationship may be impossible to repair, just like the other relationships I destroyed. 

Now I’m a giant **** that betrayed his wife, betrayed his friend and hurt a really good woman. If I could take it back I would. I don’t know how I allowed that situation to happen, and there os no one to blame but myself. 

Should I tell my wife? I feel like I should, but what the hell do I know I’m clearly an idiot. If so, how do I tell her and have the best possible chance at salvaging our marriage. I’d do anything to keep our marriage going. And on the same note, how do I tell my friend that I slept with his ex-wife? And how badly I hurt her in the process… 

I haven’t talked to the other woman since I left her hotel room. Part of me wants to try and make amends with her but that led me to trouble last time and for my wife, I want to cease all contact permanently. 

I have never felt so poorly about myself, and didn’t know I ever could or would.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

It's good and necessary you feel poorly you did an evil thing. I think you know why you told her you were divorced. It wasn't a fluke. This is one of those things you will spend the rest of your life dealing with. Cheating leads to a form of death. You killed your marriage, you murdered it. But if you want any chance of getting your honor back you tell your wife and reap the whirlwind. The rest is up to her.

By the way if I was this women I would tell you wife just to screw you the way you used her, you deserve it. If she comes on here I would tell her to tell your wife to. You might want to get ahead of this.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

You can start by being honest with yourself. I don't believe in the idea that affairs "just happen." The seeds of the final act are often planted through attitudes, habits, beliefs, aka "morals" that are lived for a long time before the disaster happens. You will do yourself and the others a disservice in telling them it just happened and they don't have to worry about it repeating. 

If I had a spouse do to me what you did I would want you to tell me up front, no excuses, so I could divorce you asap. So, are you going to be honest about all this?


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

Go ahead and read "how to help your spouse heal from an affair"

You sound extremely regretful. My cheating husband would have never come on a website asking for help ... so at least you have something going for you. 

She deserves to know but please be prepared. She needs to know the truth. Don't minimize it.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Wow. You have really put yourself in a bad spot. There were many times during that week that you should have told her that you were not divorced, stopped the flirting and not ended up where you are now.

No point rehashing all the times you could have prevented this from happening, since the deed is done now.

Your wife deserves the truth. She needs to hear it from you. If this comes to her another way, your chances are even more dismal. She will never be able to trust you fully again, and forget how she will feel about your future work trips. Bare your soul, lay it all out for her, and beg her forgiveness. 

IF she is able to forgive you, I hope you will never let anything happen again.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

You are still trying to control an outcome not in your control, that left you with your poor choices.

Once you accept that, everything else will happen as it needs to happen when you humble yourself and share your failing to keep your promises.

Remember, the fear you feel is only because you are trying to protect yourself... some people come into situations where life isn't very fair, I'm afraid you've earned this.

You wife didn't... you have a lot of heavy lifting to do.

It is possible to earn enough back to survive this... be strong and pray she is stronger than you.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*You said something deceptive to reap the benefits of a deceptive act that, not one, not two, not three, but four entities are now a part of, and will remain a part of until the great hereafter!

You need to confess to and apologize to your wife: how in the world that you'll accomplish that feat I do not know! But with regard to her, your deception in eliciting a "fringe benefit" must be dealt with because if you decide to play silent with it, odds are that it will be uncovered at some most inopportune time! Upon disclosure to her, I would recommend immediately getting yourselves into extensive marriage counseling greatly provided that she is amenable to it! If she is not, then you should seek out individual counseling!

Secondly, you need to apologize to the woman that you so grossly violated by deceptively working on her psychological and sexual inadequacies to get her into a position where you violated your own marital vows to your wife! That, too won't be an easy or enviable task!

Thirdly, you need to come clean with your friend, as he needs to know the full story of how all of this came to evolve, since he is in a position of speaking and communicating with her on an ongoing basis because of the commonality of their child!

Lastly, after you have procured forgiveness from these three aforementioned parties, you must try to forgive yourself through the presence of God, because if you can't find it in your heart to do so, how could you expect it of anybody else? To do this, I would recommend the enlistment of a senior church pastor or counselor, along with extensive meditating with Him over what it was that you obviously had no real problem in choosing to do!

It won't exactly be an easy roadmap for you to follow, but you can do it! Please be assured that my heartfelt prayers will be going out for you as well!*


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

You can deceive yourself all you want but the reality is that you have caused irreparable damage to your wife. Once trust is broken, it is never the same again believe me as I'm a betrayed spouse who has forgiven my husband of his affair. Every time he's late, or doesn't call or his behavior changes has me feeling anxious, not to mention the feelings of inadequacy that I had to deal with knowing that my husband has done intimate things with someone else. That's the legacy that you have given her through your selfish behavior. You're better off confessing before the other woman out you to her, if you have any chance of helping her fix her wounded heart and be prepared for her image of you to change. 

Sent from my SM-N910T using Tapatalk


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

alexgunn said:


> Three weeks ago there was a 7 day conference/training program that we both attended. I had no idea that she would be there but recognized her immediately. It was awkward in the beginning and we avoided each other. We haven’t talked since their divorce.
> 
> She has been single since their divorce. She has a bad past, which involved rape, molestation and abuse from multiple family members most of her childhood. She has a lot of trouble trusting men that she doesn’t know. It takes a long time to earn her trust and new men are not going to stick around for that.
> 
> ...


You rationalize and make excuses so much, I don't even know where to begin. So I just bolded all of the... Pardon me... Bull doodoo that you really need to get straight in preparation for confessing to your wife. You are going to be hit with some strong 2x4s for coming here, so I caution you to pull your bootstraps up or if you can't take hearing the hard truth, you go over to the SI board, where more hugs are distributed. 

Of COURSE you tell her. You had SEX with a woman NOT YOUR WIFE. You have been exposed to possible STDS and if you love and care about your wife as much as you claim, you're going to tell her so she can get herself to a doctor ASAP, assuming you've had sex with her since your affair 3 weeks ago). You are endangering her health by not telling her. I don't know what you think that is, but to me that isn't anything remotely resembling love.

Losing your wife and your marriage dropped from your control the moment you slept with that woman. Your wife has a right to choose for herself whether she wants to stay with you or not. IMO denying her that basic and deserved spousal and human right is 100x cruddier than even the act of you banging another woman. 

Do the right thing. Not the easy thing, the RIGHT thing. 

And if you've been having sex with your wife, stop it and get STD tested. Tell her to get tested, and that you willfully endangered her health. That's the most loving thing you could do today.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

alexgunn said:


> Right before we had sex she told me that she hadn’t been intimate with anyone since her ex-husband. Immediately after the sex I realized what I had done to my wife and I left. That hurt the other woman immensely. I cannot get the image of her facial expression *when I walked out and told her I was married,* out of my mind.


Alex, Alex, Alex my man. Explain one more time why you waited until after you slept with her that you told her you were married. I'm trying to decide if you really think we're that frigin stupid. If you haven't already, tell her what really happened at the conference. Then the two of you go have lunch and don't do what you did anymore.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *You said something deceptive to reap the benefits of a deceptive act that, not one, not two, not three, but four entities are now a part of, and will remain a part of until the great hereafter!
> 
> *


This is the crux of it.

But what jumped out was *"She was always sitting alone and I felt bad for her. My friend ripped her heart out, stomped on it and ripped it to shreds. He left her for another woman, a ‘normal’ woman, and instantly made a family with her"*

You zeroed in on her, knew she was vulnerable then used what happened to her against her for your benefit. It's called grooming and it's predatory.

After that all the meetings and getting her to open up with only one intention in mind and once that was fulfilled you've done something else, and that is use your wife as an excuse for cutting and bailing.

Seems to me you use everyone around you for your personal gain. Accept responsibility for what you've done and make things right by telling all. Most likely your friend will find out and then he will probably tell your wife.


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## alexgunn (Mar 26, 2017)

I swear to god, I did not approach that woman with the intention of screwing her (sexually or otherwise). I am not trying to make excuses for myself or dismiss what I did. Perhaps I am blocking out my true intentions to make myself feel better. I never thought that I would put myself or my wife in this position. 

When I saw the ex-wife I honestly felt bad for her. I knew that her ex-husband was cheating on her long before he divorced her. I wondered if I should have told her or not, or just keep it to myself and mind my own business. I chose the latter. I knew that her ex-husband didn’t really want to marry her but did so out of obligation. I still stood up beside him and told her and 300 other people how great of a husband he’d be and that if anyone was going to make it, it was them. As I was giving the best man speech inside I was thinking that it wasn’t going to last 3 years. I was right. I didn’t exactly support their marriage. I always wondered why he was even with her. She’s gorgeous, but she has a lot of issues from her childhood. He really struggled while he was with her and I never understood why he stayed around as long as he did. I should have supported them better rather than give no flack when he left her. I was mad at the way he left her, not that he did it. 

I knew that she had been single for the last 6 years, since their divorce. My friend told me that he felt bad about it and wanted her to find someone. There are a couple mutual friends between us, this woman has been talked about between us. Unfairly, but it’s happened. *Maybe I just wanted to see if I could*. Right before we had sex she said that she hadn’t had sex with anyone since her ex-husband. I knew sex was going to happen and I had a bit of an ego boost. I don’t like saying that but have to. 

The ex-wife is a very quiet, reserved person. Always has been. She keeps to herself most of the time and really doesn’t seem like the type to cause waves just for the sake of it. She (at least use to) has very bad anxiety in social situations. When she was married to my friend she would rarely go out with us. I could be wrong, of course, I don’t really know her anymore. 

It kills me how badly I hurt the other woman. Before we had sex she said I was a really good man, nothing could be farther from the truth. I try not to think about her, it really hurts when I do. Hurting her wasn’t my intention. Right after we finished having sex she asked when I was going home (from the convention), if I wanted to go out together when we were home and that I could stay the night with her. After that I quickly decided who I was going to hurt more. My wife, by going further and spending the night with this woman. Or the other woman, by ditching her immediately after sex. That’s when I told the woman that I was married, and hence wouldn’t be contacting her again. I went and called my wife, though I didn’t tell her what I had done. 

I don’t (or at least didn’t, now I do) have problems in my marriage. Sometimes it’s a bit boring but what marriage isn’t? I wish I knew exactly why I cheated so I could feel confident that I’d never do this again. I didn’t think it would happen the first time. I can remove myself from situations that would lead to cheating, but that’s not bulletproof. I probably have to go to IC, as well as MC. 

As badly as I feel for hurting the other woman, it doesn't compare to the pain I feel for hurting my wife. She has been nothing but great to me. She is an amazing wife and mother, beautiful inside and out. I don't want to ruin her life, but I guess that's already done. I’ve decided that I am going to tell my wife. I don’t want her to hear it from someone else and she deserves to know. I haven’t had sex with my wife since cheating on her. She doesn’t have a huge sex drive so it hasn’t been an issue. I understand that STD tests are in order. I’d like to find a MC before telling my wife, so I can have that ready to go. I should also start IC.

I know it will take a lot of work to sustain my marriage. I will do anything. I need to talk to my wife before I talk to my friend. She deserves to know first. Telling my friend can’t be nearly as hard as telling my wife. I don’t know if I should contact the other woman and apologize. I don’t want anything to do with her. I know that I hurt her, immensely, but she’s not who I’m married to. And her pain isn’t going to be worse than my wife’s. She trusted me not to hurt her, but not it the same way that my wife does.

Is it better to tell my wife about it in MC, or at home then let her process? Do I tell my wife who I cheated with? She has a confrontational streak, I don't want her to start problems with anyone else. This is our problem. I suppose I have to tell her, though, otherwise she'll likely hear it from someone else since my friend will have to know.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

"I swear to god, I did not approach that woman with the intention of screwing her (sexually or otherwise). I am not trying to make excuses for myself or dismiss what I did. Perhaps I am blocking out my true intentions to make myself feel better. I never thought that I would put myself or my wife in this position."

Let's see, you told her you were divorced, spent time with her, took her to dinner, romantically walked her to back to her room, passionately kissed her, and "it" just happened. Yep, you think we're that friggin stupid. Good practice for you dealing with the wife though.


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

alexgunn said:


> Immediately after the sex I realized what I had done to my wife and I left.


This is my favorite part. It was all good until you shot your load and then suddenly reality hit you. The entire time you were happily screwing away there was no rational thought, you were some sort of crazed animal with no common sense.


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## alexgunn (Mar 26, 2017)

VladDracul said:


> "I swear to god, I did not approach that woman with the intention of screwing her (sexually or otherwise). I am not trying to make excuses for myself or dismiss what I did. Perhaps I am blocking out my true intentions to make myself feel better. I never thought that I would put myself or my wife in this position."
> 
> Let's see, you told her you were divorced, spent time with her, took her to dinner, romantically walked her to back to her room, passionately kissed her, and "it" just happened. Yep, you think we're that friggin stupid.


No, maybe I'm that stupid. 

At first I legitimately felt like an a-hole for letting her sit alone. I was going out for lunch after and asked her to go just to be nice. I enjoyed spending time with her. It was fun, relaxing and a nice change to my regular life (problem 1). I told my wife that she was there and that I went out to lunch with her, my wife didn't care about that. They know each other but there were never friends, I don't think they've ever talked even. My wife just remembers her as the "weird, socially awkward chick who never talks". I kept spending time with her because I enjoyed it and (or told myself) because I didn't want to ditch her after spending time with her (problem 2). I should have cut back on how much time I spent with her. Sitting by her in a seminar, whatever, the lunches shouldn't have happened. At least not alone. Going out to dinner was wrong, especially to an actual restaurant. I felt something when I was sitting across from her and started thinking about her sexually (problem 3). I should have ended it right there. I walked her back to her room because we were staying in the same hotel. I told her I was staying on the same floor, which was a lie (problem 4). And that's where I actually started thinking about having sex with her that night. I kissed her, she pulled back for a second and I kissed her again. There was a long pause while she was thinking and we were standing outside her door, I could have turned back. But when she finally asked if I wanted to go in I said yes. There was plenty of opportunities to stop, I didn't. That's on me. 

Part of me tries to be angry or throw blame at her, by thinking "yeah well she screwed her ex-husbands best friend". Like that is suppose to make what I did any worse, that thinking needs to go. I took the lead every step of the way. Not only did I tell her that I was divorced, but I told her I wasn't that close with her ex-husband anymore. Two lies. The first was told when I was trying to get her to talk to me and feel more comfortable. The second was when she hesitated after we were in her room. The second lie was deliberately said to get her clothes off.

The first day I saw her, no sex wasn't on my mind or radar. By the last day, yeah it was.


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

alexgunn said:


> The first day I saw her, no sex wasn't on my mind or radar. By the last day, yeah it was.


Ok I forgive you. Feel better now?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

My goodness... how deep can one dig?

This looks more like a grave than a hole... please just stop.

Schedule both IC and MC, then let your wife know and why.

Accept the Karma that comes... and learn from it.

Quickly is best...


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

alexgunn said:


> Part of me tries to be angry or throw blame at her, by thinking "yeah well she screwed her ex-husbands best friend". Like that is suppose to make what I did any worse, that thinking needs to go. I took the lead every step of the way. Not only did I tell her that I was divorced, but I told her I wasn't that close with her ex-husband anymore. Two lies. The first was told when I was trying to get her to talk to me and feel more comfortable. The second was when she hesitated after we were in her room. The second lie was deliberately said to get her clothes off.
> 
> The first day I saw her, no sex wasn't on my mind or radar. By the last day, yeah it was.


And somewhere in there, your wife is the ''most important thing in the world to you.'' :scratchhead:

I abhor cheating, but you seem to have more issues going on that just this cheating situation. The fact that you lie rather easily, and make excuses for it, is where you should begin to figure out why you do that. That has little to do with your marriage, and more to do with your character.

Your wife should be told all of this, and allow her to make an informed decision as to whether she should remain with you or not.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

My suggestion is to tell your wife before MC. If you tell her in front of the counselor, she will feel like she has to behave in front of a 3rd party, and that's not fair. 

Also, you should be deciding WITH her, not FOR her, whether you go together to MC at all. She may not want to even go. 

IC for you is a great idea that doesn't require your wife to give her OK.


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## txryan (Mar 25, 2017)

We are not perfect as human, lord knows that I've made mistakes in my past while I was married 💑 and yes, my current wife did find out what I was doing, too. You see, as we have both gotten closer to God, I look as my past cheating experience as grasping at straws for happiness, when my beautiful wife is right there, by my side. The grass is not always greener on the proverbial other side; in my case, wound up being mud... LOL 😁 I'm so grateful that we're still together as of this day. That's a blessing in itself. Thank the lord!


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Fence sit this one until you get a grip of why you lie to yourself the way you do. *Your actions don't match your words at all. but your actions define who YOU really are though.* 

IC will help, but it will take time. 

You preyed on this poor woman and you didn't care that you were going to hurt her because you wanted to bang her almost as soon as you got her to like you and see you in that light. 

The picture you paint of caring about her doesn't reflect your actions one iota. Your actions speak loud and clear who you really are inside though. 

You should feel like crap because inside you are a crappy man. Now that you know how low you can go, what are you going to do with this knowledge?

Do you like the guy you really are, or would you rather change to the guy you keep lying to yourself about that you are?

It's time to be more honest with yourself in order for you to truly be honest with anyone else.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

how would you feel if your wife had an A?

think about her pain.

write her a letter.

tell her before some one else does.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Here you go my man:


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

alexgunn said:


> No, maybe I'm that stupid.
> 
> They know each other but there were never friends, *I don't think they've ever talked even*. My wife just remembers her as the "weird, socially awkward chick who never talks".


I'd put good odds on that changing soon. You better fess up, and quick, if you want any chance of reconciliation with your wife. when she finds out from someone else, and she will, you will be truly screwed. You may be screwed even if you do admit it, depends on your wife, but at least you will have shown some regret. Either way you should seek help for your predatory ways.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

alexgunn said:


> I swear to god, I did not approach that woman with the intention of screwing her (sexually or otherwise). I am not trying to make excuses for myself or dismiss what I did. Perhaps I am blocking out my true intentions to make myself feel better. I never thought that I would put myself or my wife in this position.
> 
> When I saw the ex-wife I honestly felt bad for her. I knew that her ex-husband was cheating on her long before he divorced her. I wondered if I should have told her or not, or just keep it to myself and mind my own business. I chose the latter. I knew that her ex-husband didn’t really want to marry her but did so out of obligation. I still stood up beside him and told her and 300 other people how great of a husband he’d be and that if anyone was going to make it, it was them. As I was giving the best man speech inside I was thinking that it wasn’t going to last 3 years. I was right. I didn’t exactly support their marriage. I always wondered why he was even with her. She’s gorgeous, but she has a lot of issues from her childhood. He really struggled while he was with her and I never understood why he stayed around as long as he did. I should have supported them better rather than give no flack when he left her. I was mad at the way he left her, not that he did it.
> 
> ...


You can swear till the cows come home but you are lying to yourself. It appears to me that your outer man and inner man are totally inconsistent. You present an outward man who is decent, respectable, cares for others, loves his wife and family etc, but the inner man is deceitful, dishonest and lacks respect for others. Why do I say that?

1. you could get up at your friends wedding and lie about his relationship. You feel sorry for the OW because you feel guilty of your own culpability in allowing the marriage to go ahead. Any decent person would have tried to stop it or at least refused to be part of it.
2. Using the guise of caring your f***** the OW because you WANTED to and only now you are beginning to realise that you are actually a piece of ****.

3. I guess your poor BW knows your character well as she has lived with you and had noted the inconsistencies already.
YOU need IC to find out why there is so much inconsistency between your inner man and your outer man. Anyone in your position always creates these problems.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Are you stupid? No, don't tell your wife.

BTW, is this you? http://ezinearticles.com/?How-To-Stop-Your-Partner-Having-Affairs&id=6989487


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

blueinbr said:


> BTW, is this you? http://ezinearticles.com/?How-To-Stop-Your-Partner-Having-Affairs&id=6989487


Now that's weird. 

Either he's promoting his own blog or he decided to take the name of a psychologist who happens to write articles about affairs or it's just a very, very, strange coincidence.


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## SuperConfusedHusband (Mar 19, 2017)

Alex, listen, I dont know what are you going to do about your wife now...that will be a long story, but by how you feel now, I would suggest this: consider it a mistake/learning experience, dont contact the other woman again and move on.

It's up to you how and IF you want to share this with your wife. Not all of us feel that sharing a mistake with our wives is absolutely necessary. If my wife cheated on me and she considered it a mistake, I would much rather not know (but would appreciate an STD test).

I'm that position where I wonder if I COULD seduce other women even if I'm married, if I still got it, and of course the answer is yes, but I'm starting to think that I dont have act it out to prove it to myself.

Regain dignity, move on, decide about your wife later. Write her a letter and date it but dont send it. See what come out now. You are too emotional now. Also: do you wanna tell your wife so she can freak out, divorce your ass and for what? For a stupid mistake which you might never ever make again?


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## Dr. Stupid (Dec 8, 2016)

SuperConfusedHusband said:


> Alex, listen, I dont know what are you going to do about your wife now...that will be a long story, but by how you feel now, I would suggest this: consider it a mistake/learning experience, dont contact the other woman again and move on.
> 
> It's up to you how and IF you want to share this with your wife. Not all of us feel that sharing a mistake with our wives is absolutely necessary. If my wife cheated on me and she considered it a mistake, I would much rather not know (but would appreciate an STD test).
> 
> ...


Ah, the age-old choice between honor and dishonor. Your opinion is for the OP to continue being dishonorable. Ride the wave, right? 

Who cares if every day that passes after the betrayal without him doing the honorable thing is a betrayal unto itself? Who cares if it's all for naught if the OP gets caught, and that the days that he's wasting don't belong to just him, but his wife as well?

Let's all tell the OP to live a lie. Maybe he'll get away with it and nobody will be the wiser. Maybe he can teach himself to hide his shame from his wife for the rest of his life. Sure, the relationship will never be as it was, but at least he doesn't have to be accountable for his actions. Or maybe, he can tell her in a few months, magnifying the pain. 

Yeah. That's the ticket.

Of course, my advice to the OP is to avoid advice from those of dubious character, as dubious character got the OP into this mess in the first place. Own up to being a flawed person who made a mistake. Own up to trying to figure out why you made the mistake. Own up, and perhaps be forgiven, or own up and get what you deserve. Either way, it's the first step in becoming an honorable man (again).


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I lied to her and said I was divorced.
Yep, you lied because you wanted to have sex with her. Plain and simple.

You went and sat beside her because you felt sorry for her.
No you wanted to have sex with her. You did have sex with her.

In my opinion, this is what the worst liars do:

When they start telling a story about one of their nefarious adventures, they start telling all about what they WEREN'T thinking.
My ex does the same. When she volunteers information about something that seems bad, she starts telling me she is/was NOT thinking the way I obviously feel she is actually thinking.

Like her, you know what you were thinking, what you did as a result. You are just having a hard time dealing with the fact that yes, you are just that bad of a person.

You have two choices:
You can go to your grave with the knowledge of what you did and never do this to your wife again, keep from hurting her by keeping her in the dark. You will have to take the guilt to your grave.
If your wife finds out, it will change how she feels about you forever, and rightfully so. Good chance she will find out eventually. Evil has a way of floating to the top.

Choice two: 
Tell your wife, stop trying to cover your tracks with lies about what you weren't thinking. You made a plan, probably subconscious at first, that you didn't really think would be successful. You then realized it was a workable plan. You went through with your evil deed. You didn't continue cheating, but the deed can't be undone. The billet to your marriage can't be stuffed back in the barrel.
Tell her you messed up, beg her forgiveness, and hope she will be able to stay with you and somehow trust you again and hate the deed and not the man.


The right thing to do is tell her.
However, you haven't shown a propensity for doing the right thing.
No time like the present to start changing your ways.

Consequences. They can't be escaped.


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## SuperConfusedHusband (Mar 19, 2017)

Dr. Stupid said:


> Ah, the age-old choice between honor and dishonor. Your opinion is for the OP to continue being dishonorable. Ride the wave, right?
> 
> Who cares if every day that passes after the betrayal without him doing the honorable thing is a betrayal unto itself? Who cares if it's all for naught if the OP gets caught, and that the days that he's wasting don't belong to just him, but his wife as well?
> 
> ...


Hmmm to you Honor = Feel better about yourself by spilling everything to his wife and have her deal with it. :scratchhead:


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Alex my man, if I take any of what you post at face value, it sound like you're treating this other chick as disposable once you got what you want and had a chance to realize what you done to your marriage. In addition to your duty to your wife, you owe the OW an apology for treating her like a used rubber once you reached your goal. You need to call her and tell her you're sorry you outright and barefaced lied about your marital status to seduce her, that you were enormously drawn to her, and just couldn't let it go. Admit to her that you're nothing but a piece of shyt, that you had so little self control to mislead her and allow yourself to walk on and step on her the way you did even after the way she was hurt by you friend.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

SuperConfusedHusband said:


> Hmmm to you Honor = Feel better about yourself by spilling everything to his wife and have her deal with it. :scratchhead:


Honour=Doing the right thing even at this late stage*
Dishonour=Keeping things to yourself because you're a coward

*The longer version - Having respect for his wife by giving her the oppotunity to make informed choices about her own life, even if OP has a price to pay.

I hope this unconfuses you


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

VladDracul said:


> Here you go my man:


I work with several women in my department. Sometimes I am paired with one or more on a team sent out on over night trips. We travel together and usually take meals together since we are in the same car.

One of the girls is single, young, beautiful and flirtatious. One is having trouble in her marriage and talks about it a lot.

It would be easy to make a bad choice with either of these girls but I am aware of what could happen and will not let it.

I hate it when people say "one thing led to another" or "the next thing I knew we were having sex" or "it just happened". What happens is the result of a conscious choice - not fate- not something you cannot control. But something you choose to do. Posting all the justifications in the world does not change that. You do it because you want to do it.


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## Dr. Stupid (Dec 8, 2016)

SuperConfusedHusband said:


> Hmmm to you Honor = Feel better about yourself by spilling everything to his wife and have her deal with it. :scratchhead:


Honor is honor. We all deal with the unfairness of life. The idea that the OP would be somehow selflessly shielding his poor, poor, wife from pain by not owning up to his misdeeds is laughable. We all know that one of an adulterers' favorite lines is "I didn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt you". 

How often did that ever help?


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Rubix Cubed said:


> *I'd put good odds on that changing soon.* You better fess up, and quick, if you want any chance of reconciliation with your wife. when she finds out from someone else, and she will, you will be truly screwed. You may be screwed even if you do admit it, depends on your wife, but at least you will have shown some regret. Either way you should seek help for your predatory ways.


There is no fury like a woman scorned comes to mind.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I wish I could mount an argument against you being an idiot but you have removed all counterpoints to any such attempt. Your lack of cognizant thought is remarkable and has reduced you to an individual of despicable character. You have so little thought to your actions that I find it very disturbing. In one fell swoop you managed to possibly destroy your marriage, your best friendship, and your honor while simultaneously inflicting pain on an already distressed, abused woman and the woman you vowed to cherish for life.

For individuals such as yourself there needs to be consequences, exactly in the way a parent spanks a child. Your mind is not capable of self control nor self correction and needs the "pain" of consequences to hopefully help you associate something bad with your actions. If you keep this from your wife and sidestep the ensuing storm then you must understand that your limited intellect will see this as you "getting away" with your affair thereby making the next time even easier. As time passes without issue you may in fact even try to contact the OW again to see if you can "get away with it" again, though I doubt she would give you the time of day after the way you treated her. If not, it will be some other woman who catches your eye and the act will get easier each time.

If you truly have the capacity to care enough then I strongly urge you to confess to your wife immediately and face the resulting onslaught of pain and anguish that you have caused your wife and family. I also advise that you tell your "best friend" and suffer the consequences there as well. In so doing you may experience enough pain and angst that it may act as a deterrent to your next foray into the land of self serving indulgence. I do not believe that you have the capacity to care deeply enough for others to do this because it may indeed cost you your marriage and your best friend. In truth, you are neither a good husband nor a good friend however by standing and taking the consequences you stand a chance of developing some character and moral fiber that may allow you to be.

Additionally, I would suggest that you request your friend to relay a message to his ex explaining how you did what you did but I can think of no verbal expression that could possibly explain how one treats another human being with such disdain.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

TBH I always wondered what type of douchbags prayed on vulnerable women and wondered how they went about breaking down their will power - not that it would be hard with such low self esteem - I meant specifically how a DBag could groom and break down such a woman over time. What they said and did, and how in the world they could live with themselves while doing it, knowing the aftermath would be such horrific pain and trauma for a little sex.

So thanks for being honest and showing me. If I understand correctly, the key is to just deny what you're doing until you've gotten the sex, they try to believe that YOU'RE the victim somehow. And somehow this was unavoidable or unexpected.

So a HUGE amount of denial.

It still baffles me... you knew the hoped for outcome because you programmed it... yet you surprised yourself? And since you couldn't see it coming, you couldn't stop it? Is that your final conclusion?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## alexgunn (Mar 26, 2017)

Last night I told my wife. I was talking to my friend and he mentioned that he had to go meet with his ex-wife the next day (today). I didn't want him to hear it from someone else (his ex-wife), especially after we had just talked, so I told him. I just told him that we hooked up and it was a one time thing. I didn't go into details because honestly it's just going to be he-said, she-said and whose to say that she's even going to tell him. I wouldn't be telling an ex-spouse who I ****ed. He was pissed, more surprised though. He wanted to know how it happened and why I risked my marriage for _her_. His scraps. He was surprised that she let it go that far but said she always had an attraction towards me, which I never knew. He's still pissed, but I deserve that I suppose. 

I had to tell my wife. She needed to hear it from me and I don't want her to feel like everyone knew. She didn't really react the way I was expecting and I know to expect her to get much worse. She might still be in shock. I expected her to get upset, mad at me, want a divorce, storm out, hate me. She thought I was joking at first and said it wasn't funny. When she realized that I was being serious she asked who it was that I slept with. After I told her she became more pissed than I have ever seen her, but not at me... At the other woman. She said she wanted to go see her, was going to "kill" her. She is mad at me for being so "gullible", "falling for a *****'s tricks" and not using protection. She was directly mad at me for a short while, there was some screaming, some crying, a bit of "hitting". But those feelings quickly transferred to the OW. 

Last night my wife sent the other woman messages on Facebook. I didn't know about it until this morning. 

_"Who the hell do you think you are going around screwing another woman's husband? You couldn't keep your own husband so you had to manipulate mine into touching your disgusting body? How many other husbands have you ****ed? Stop being a home-wrecker and get your own husband. No wonder [your ex-husband] left you."_

_"You better hope that you don't get pregnant or pass any of your nasty diseases off to him. You'll find yourself in court being sued for every whorish penny you have."_

The only reply was: _"I didn't know he was married. I'm sorry."_ Followed by my wife continuing. 

_"Oh SURE, you ****ing *****. You know damn well that we're married. You came to our wedding for **** sake! [Your XH] was the ****ing best man! Don't feed me that crap."_

_"Of course he's married! He's a great man. A TAKEN man. The only way you can get your hands on someone like him is through manipulation. Just because no man wants you doesn't mean you can take someone else's husband."_

_"You're worthless. To my husband and every other man you've conned into your nasty ****."_

_"You know, I'd think that after having been cheated on and left for another woman you'd never want to hurt a woman the way you were hurt. You need **** that badly that you will destroy kids lives? Destroy another woman's life? Straight from MY husbands mouth you weren't even good. The worst sex he's had. Cleary you are a horrible person and [your XH] was right to divorce you. For a while we all felt bad for you, unbelievable."_

_"Everyone always thought you were bat**** crazy, from the day they met you. They were glad when [your XH] finally tossed you to the curb. You have been an entertaining source of jokes for years, including by [your XH] and [2 friends]."_

_"No man has wanted you in 6 years? It's because they are smart enough to stay the hell away from you. Get use to being alone and stop being a thieving *****. You want ****? Go to the street corner. Though, since you are so bad in bed you probably won't get paid. Of course, you will suck every **** in this city for free."_

_"Probably too busy ****ing another husband. Guess it's as close as you'll get to having another husband. Go be a street *****, like all the other people who grew up sucking their dad's **** and ****ing their brother. Yeah, everyone knows."_

_"You know, you'd think after you grew up ****ing and sucking **** you'd at least be good at it. Or do you save the good stuff for incest?"_

How do I get my wife to A) stop before she gets a harassment charge and B) shift the blame to me? The one who is really to blame. She doesn't want to go to MC right now. She's going to wind up being charged with harassment if this keeps up. 

There is a part of me that thinks it would be easier to just let the other woman take the blame, the anger, the hate. That isn't fair to her, or my marriage. I am just at fault as much as the other woman is. More, really, because I deceived her. The other woman doesn't owe my wife anything, she didn't promise to be faithful to her. I did. I broke that promise. 

My wife sent my friend a message saying, "You sure dodged a bullet. Your ex-wife just ****ed my husband. You have a better taste in women now, might want to relook at your friends too." As of right now we haven't talked since I told him. I need to focus on my wife/marriage right now. 

My wife doesn't want me to touch her, and she wants to know every detail of what happened. All week. She wants to know every detail of the sex and how good/bad it was. That seems like self-sabotaging. She doesn't want to go to MC right now but wants me to do IC because I'm "weak" and "easily tempted by *****s". She took the day off work and has been out for a while. She won't call or text me back and I have no idea where she is.


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## alexgunn (Mar 26, 2017)

I didn’t “prey” on her. She was an equal participant. SHE could have said no to lunches or dinner. SHE could have stopped when I kissed her. SHE invited me in, I didn’t initiate that. SHE could have stopped any time between us closing the door and sticking my **** in her. She gladly ****ed me. She’s always wanted to. SHE ****ed her ex-husbands friend. 

I’m not writing her an apology. For what? We aren’t a couple, never were. If she read the signals wrong then that’s on her. What do you expect from someone who has been a baron wasteland for over half a decade. People lie all the time to get what they want, don’t want to get hurt? Then don’t believe someone who might as well be a stranger. 

The only woman I care about here is my wife. The other woman is not my problem. She’s a grown ass woman, she makes her own choices. 

Why would I have stopped a wedding between the other woman and my friend? I’m not in their relationship. If they wanted to spend 50K on a wedding that wouldn’t last then so be it. I’m not meddling in other people’s business.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

alexgunn said:


> I didn’t “prey” on her. She was an equal participant. SHE could have said no to lunches or dinner. SHE could have stopped when I kissed her. SHE invited me in, I didn’t initiate that. SHE could have stopped any time between us closing the door and sticking my **** in her. She gladly ****ed me. She’s always wanted to. SHE ****ed her ex-husbands friend.


 Sure you preyed on her. You took a vulnerable women that you knew "has a bad past, which involved rape, molestation and abuse from multiple family members most of her childhood", that you knew "has a lot of trouble trusting men that she doesn’t know", and that you also knew "takes a long time to earn her trust and new men are not going to stick around for that", and used the fact that she already knew and trusted you to get her into bed; never mind that you had to lie to her and tell her that you were divorced because otherwise you knew that she would not have had sex with you. The fact that you did this with a woman with the full knowledge that your "friend ripped her heart out, stomped on it and ripped it to shreds" when your friend left her for another woman is just cold blooded. The fact that you did not tell your wife that you had told her that you were divorced so that this innocent woman would take the blame, is even more heartless. Wow, if this is real, I do not know what else to say to you if you do not get this.


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## Chumpomatic (Mar 8, 2017)

"I didn’t “prey” on her. She was an equal participant. SHE could have said no to lunches or dinner. SHE could have stopped when I kissed her. SHE invited me in, I didn’t initiate that. SHE could have stopped any time between us closing the door and sticking my **** in her. She gladly ****ed me. She’s always wanted to"

Dude, stop kidding yourself. She was an equal participant because you told her you were divorced making yourself available. She is not the OW in this case as she didn't know you were still married until after the fact. I understand that your wife is mad at her but her anger needs to be turned on you. It doesn't matter if this lady was at your wedding or not. You told her you were divorced. She had a small shared history with you so she felt comfortable around you. She even asked to meet up with you after the conf ended in the assumption that this was the start of a relationship. This is all on you man. Once your wife figures out that her anger is misplaced well, stand by because you're going to have your ass handed to you. Hell yes you need to give an apology to the woman as well. She was mislead into the possible break up of a marriage that she thought was already over because you told her it was.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

VladDracul said:


> Alex my man, if I take any of what you post at face value, it sound like you're treating this other chick as disposable once you got what you want and had a chance to realize what you done to your marriage. In addition to your duty to your wife, you owe the OW an apology for treating her like a used rubber once you reached your goal. You need to call her and tell her you're sorry you outright and barefaced lied about your marital status to seduce her, that you were enormously drawn to her, and just couldn't let it go. Admit to her that you're nothing but a piece of shyt, that you had so little self control to mislead her and allow yourself to walk on and step on her the way you did even after the way she was hurt by you friend.


That's what I thought too. The OP says "as soon as he realized what he'd done" like this all just happened to him. No, *he *happened to *her*. If he was such a "good guy" at heart, he would have kept up the charade an hour or two longer so she didn't have to feel like a used rag.

Just amazing how the second AFTER he climaxed he grew a very guilty conscience and couldn't continue being an ass any longer.


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## alexgunn (Mar 26, 2017)

Chumpomatic said:


> "I didn’t “prey” on her. She was an equal participant. SHE could have said no to lunches or dinner. SHE could have stopped when I kissed her. SHE invited me in, I didn’t initiate that. SHE could have stopped any time between us closing the door and sticking my **** in her. She gladly ****ed me. She’s always wanted to"
> 
> Dude, stop kidding yourself. She was an equal participant because you told her you were divorced making yourself available. She is not the OW in this case as she didn't know you were still married until after the fact. I understand that your wife is mad at her but her anger needs to be turned on you. It doesn't matter if this lady was at your wedding or not. You told her you were divorced. She had a small shared history with you so she felt comfortable around you. She even asked to meet up with you after the conf ended in the assumption that this was the start of a relationship. This is all on you man. Once your wife figures out that her anger is misplaced well, stand by because you're going to have your ass handed to you. Hell yes you need to give an apology to the woman as well. She was mislead into the possible break up of a marriage that she thought was already over because you told her it was.


So you really think that every man on the planet who has a ONS, a hook up, should send a formal ****ing apology letter? Get a grip. We ****ed, that's it. That's all it was ever going to be. If she thinks anything else then she's an idiot. Sex does not equal a relationship. She let me do whatever I wanted without hesitation, she wasn't a ****ing innocent victim. She wanted sex, that's what she got. She doesn't get a ****ing apology to go with it. What am I suppose to say "Oh, sorry for lying to you. Just wanted to get in your pants. Sorry you were so gullible. Thanks for the sex. -Alex".


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## alexgunn (Mar 26, 2017)

WorkingWife said:


> That's what I thought too. The OP says "as soon as he realized what he'd done" like this all just happened to him. No, *he *happened to *her*. If he was such a "good guy" at heart, he would have kept up the charade an hour or two longer so she didn't have to feel like a used rag.
> 
> Just amazing how the second AFTER he climaxed he grew a very guilty conscience and couldn't continue being an ass any longer.


I didn't stay with her because my wife is more important than she is. I knew my wife would be hurt additionally if I stayed the night. She even asked me if we spent the night together. And yah know, it was better for the other woman to. She quickly found out to only expect sex. Imagine she would have thought there was a higher chance of a relationship had I spent the night.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Have you been served with divorce papers yet?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

If listening to yourself doesn't change your mind, nothing will.

Me, myself, and I... mutual assured destruction.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

alexgunn said:


> So you really think that every man on the planet who has a ONS, a hook up, should send a formal ****ing apology letter? Get a grip.


 Nice shift. Erroneous, but nice. What you did WAS NOT A ONS. You knew this woman and she was your alleged BEST friend's ex-wife. There is history here and it is awfully funny how you tried to make this a ONS. So, no, you aren't in the boat of "every man on the planet who has a ONS." No, that is not you.




> We ****ed, that's it. That's all it was ever going to be. If she thinks anything else then she's an idiot. Sex does not equal a relationship. She let me do whatever I wanted without hesitation, she wasn't a ****ing innocent victim. She wanted sex, that's what she got. She doesn't get a ****ing apology to go with it. What am I suppose to say "Oh, sorry for lying to you. Just wanted to get in your pants. Sorry you were so gullible. Thanks for the sex. -Alex".


You lied to her so, go ahead and keep trying this weird logic. Basically, you wanted sex and NOW she is suddenly the villain. Making her evil may work for you and your wife, but it won't fly here on TAM.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Is this for real? It just elevated to loonytoonsville.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

alexgunn said:


> I didn't stay with her because my wife is more important than she is. I knew my wife would be hurt additionally if I stayed the night. She even asked me if we spent the night together. And yah know, it was better for the other woman to. She quickly found out to only expect sex. Imagine she would have thought there was a higher chance of a relationship had I spent the night.


I will have to read through your whole thread. It sounds like you told your wife? Good job. I was not thinking spend the night, but your original post sounded like you basically fled the room the minute the sex was over.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

alexgunn said:


> Last night I told my wife. I was talking to my friend and he mentioned that he had to go meet with his ex-wife the next day (today). I didn't want him to hear it from someone else (his ex-wife), especially after we had just talked, so I told him. I just told him that we hooked up and it was a one time thing. I didn't go into details because honestly it's just going to be he-said, she-said and whose to say that she's even going to tell him. I wouldn't be telling an ex-spouse who I ****ed. He was pissed, more surprised though. He wanted to know how it happened and why I risked my marriage for _her_. His scraps. He was surprised that she let it go that far but said she always had an attraction towards me, which I never knew. He's still pissed, but I deserve that I suppose.
> 
> I had to tell my wife. She needed to hear it from me and I don't want her to feel like everyone knew. She didn't really react the way I was expecting and I know to expect her to get much worse. She might still be in shock. I expected her to get upset, mad at me, want a divorce, storm out, hate me. She thought I was joking at first and said it wasn't funny. When she realized that I was being serious she asked who it was that I slept with. After I told her she became more pissed than I have ever seen her, but not at me... At the other woman. She said she wanted to go see her, was going to "kill" her. She is mad at me for being so "gullible", "falling for a *****'s tricks" and not using protection. She was directly mad at me for a short while, there was some screaming, some crying, a bit of "hitting". But those feelings quickly transferred to the OW.
> 
> ...





alexgunn said:


> I didn’t “prey” on her. She was an equal participant. SHE could have said no to lunches or dinner. SHE could have stopped when I kissed her. SHE invited me in, I didn’t initiate that. SHE could have stopped any time between us closing the door and sticking my **** in her. She gladly ****ed me. She’s always wanted to. SHE ****ed her ex-husbands friend.
> 
> I’m not writing her an apology. For what? We aren’t a couple, never were. If she read the signals wrong then that’s on her. What do you expect from someone who has been a baron wasteland for over half a decade. People lie all the time to get what they want, don’t want to get hurt? Then don’t believe someone who might as well be a stranger.
> 
> ...


BTW, did you tell your BW that you told your friend's ex that you were divorced?

Of course not.

LOL. "OW" isn't an OW at all. You lied to her and told her you were divorced. This is 100% on you.

Either way, it would seem that the "Alex" character has taken a stark turn toward errant *********gery.

I'd advise the author of this tale to right the ship, lest his (or her) intended audience lose interest.

Ooh! Maybe the betrayed wife character could bang the best friend for a revenge lay! Hell, it ain't like he's above stepping outside his marriage for a bit of side action. Plus he sounds like the type of guy that could get his AP/OW/wife to go along with it. And maybe even join in!

Sorry, didn't mean to jump too far ahead.


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## ScottishGirl1998 (Dec 19, 2015)

You obviously didn't tell your wife the full story then, or else she would have known that the other woman thought you were divorced!! The only thing worse than keeping an affair secret is telling your wife but sugar coating the facts to deflect the blame. You say you want her to blame you, but that obviously isn't true or else you would simply tell her that you misled the woman telling her you were divorced, and that is why she had sex with you.

Now that poor woman has been called all the names under the sun and had abuse thrown at her by your wife that she DOES NOT DESERVE.

I suggest you grow a pair and tell your wife the WHOLE STORY, then look for somewhere else to live as I strongly suspect your bags will be getting packed.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ugh...


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

alexgunn said:


> How do I get my wife to A) stop before she gets a harassment charge and B) shift the blame to me? The one who is really to blame. She doesn't want to go to MC right now. She's going to wind up being charged with harassment if this keeps up.
> 
> She took the day off work and has been out for a while. She won't call or text me back and I have no idea where she is.


If you really want her to shift the blame onto you, then just tell her that you TOLD this woman that you were divorced. That'll do it. 

She's probably visiting an attorneys office. Or at the doctors office getting tested for STDs. If she were to come on here and ask for advice on what to do, that's what we'd tell her.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP. you screwed up, what will you do to atone? What will you do to leave it a better place rather than a worse one?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Hey baby I'm single!

Wham bam....

Just kidding! See you never!

Unreal....


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

alexgunn said:


> So you really think that every man on the planet who has a ONS, a hook up, should send a formal ****ing apology letter? Get a grip. We ****ed, that's it. That's all it was ever going to be. If she thinks anything else then she's an idiot. Sex does not equal a relationship. She let me do whatever I wanted without hesitation, she wasn't a ****ing innocent victim. She wanted sex, that's what she got. She doesn't get a ****ing apology to go with it. What am I suppose to say "Oh, sorry for lying to you. Just wanted to get in your pants. Sorry you were so gullible. Thanks for the sex. -Alex".


 The origin of the phrase "jump the shark" comes from a Happy Days episode where the Fonz jumped a shark on waterskis. This was labeled the lowest point of the show. The term is now used in Hollywood to describe a defining moment when you know from now on it will be all downhill and it will never be the same. The above post by the OP was a "jump the shark" moment for this thread.


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## ScottishGirl1998 (Dec 19, 2015)

alexgunn said:


> So you really think that every man on the planet who has a ONS, a hook up, should send a formal ****ing apology letter? Get a grip. We ****ed, that's it. That's all it was ever going to be. If she thinks anything else then she's an idiot. Sex does not equal a relationship. She let me do whatever I wanted without hesitation, she wasn't a ****ing innocent victim. *She wanted sex, that's what she got.* She doesn't get a ****ing apology to go with it. What am I suppose to say "Oh, sorry for lying to you. Just wanted to get in your pants. Sorry you were so gullible. Thanks for the sex. -Alex".


Nice. Real nice! That sentence sums up your whole personality for me. 

For the record, I wouldn't say she is gullible. You told her you were divorced! That isn't her being gullible, it is you being a manipulative liar for your own gain.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Satya said:


> Is this for real?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Nope


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Your actions really show who YOU are. Your wife is a fool with her misdirected anger. I hope she turns on the real one that is responsible really really soon.

I wish someone would invent glasses that can show us how we truly are on the inside. The image the glasses to show of you is freaking scary. Your poor wife and your poor kids. They have your creepy DNA!!!!issed:issed:issed:issed:


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

alexgunn said:


> So you really think that every man on the planet who has a ONS, a hook up, should send a formal ****ing apology letter? Get a grip. We ****ed, that's it. That's all it was ever going to be. If she thinks anything else then she's an idiot. Sex does not equal a relationship. She let me do whatever I wanted without hesitation, she wasn't a ****ing innocent victim. *She wanted sex, that's what she got.* She doesn't get a ****ing apology to go with it. What am I suppose to say "Oh, sorry for lying to you. Just wanted to get in your pants. Sorry you were so gullible. Thanks for the sex. -Alex".


She wanted sex with a SINGLE man. Not a lying d-bag who claimed to be divorced and stated you were no longer that close with her ex.

Grow a pair and tell your wife that you told this poor woman you were now single.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Tell the wife the whole truth, you said you were divorced until you finished getting what you wanted.

Yes the OW is grown, but she slept with someone whom she thought was single.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Perhaps this is an experiment for a psychology class at FU.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

NoChoice said:


> Perhaps this is an experiment for a psychology class at FU.


Could be ... OP's doing a great job of portraying a psychopath.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Just a reminder that *this site has a rule against calling any poster a TROLL*. Doing so would be bad, so do not do it.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You're a piece of work. You prey on this obviously vulnerable woman and totally disrespect her. I actually think what you did to her is just as bad as what you did to your wife.

For this woman, who has not had sexual relations since her divorce, to be lulled into having sex with you and then suffer the deep embarrassing pain of having the "sorry, I'm married" bomb dropped on her, must have devastating to her. I'd bet that she probably deeply sobbed for hours, then days later she's assaulted on social media by an angry wife. How F'd up.

What blows my mind is how you seem so non-chalant about the whole thing. The most precious thing a woman has to give us men, is herself and you take it and spit her out like a used Chicklet. This woman did not deserve that.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

TRy said:


> Just a reminder that *this site has a rule against calling any poster a TROLL*. Doing so would be bad, so do not do it.


Understood. However, its not against the rules to conclude, after reading his post and his wife's alleged response to the affair, they both need help from a psychiatrist, is it?


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Remember we can't say "OP is a troll" because that would be against TAM rules. Personally I think OP might be a hobbit but definitely NOT a troll 


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

You really are something!!! If I said what I wanted to say, damn I would sure get banned!!!

You ****ing lied to her, you ****ing played her, then you never told your friend that you told her you weren't friends with him anymore, then you never told your wife that you told her you weren't married, and now you're all pissed and swearing on here saying she doesn't deserve an apology. 

I'm sure she's devastated, after what she's went through in life, and now all you can do is get angry at her because you can't face the ****ty stuff you did.

If you care about your wife at all, you damn well better tell her the truth about what you told the other woman, or she may have an harassment charge against her. 

And what happens when she tells your friend that you told her you two were no longer friends?

I am containing myself, but it's damn hard, all I can say man, is you're something else!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

This is a two ugh thread.

Ugh...

Please make reparations as much as you can.

You have really done some evil to two women.

Saving your marriage isn't even the focus at the moment.

How about restoring your humanity.


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> This is a two ugh thread.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Amen and AMEN!!!


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

When people warn that you aren't allowed to call an OP a TROLL, is that really just their way of calling the OP a TROLL without getting banned?


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## alexgunn (Mar 26, 2017)

Right, because someone who can actually get laid is a troll. Sorry that women actually want to sleep with me. Jesus christ!


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

alexgunn said:


> Right, because someone who can actually get laid is a troll. Sorry that women actually want to sleep with me. Jesus christ!


Getting laid by misrepresenting yourself is easy; the skills needed are 1. be good at lying and 2. prey on a vulnerable target. #1 and #2 are what psychopaths do everyday and they *do not *inspire pride or envy. BTW, you actually have to have a *functioning conscience* to realize this; something you do not seem to have, unfortunately.


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## mickybill (Nov 29, 2016)

.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

AlexG, I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt as someone who made lots of excuses but knew they had made a huge mistake. However, the way you allowed your wife to walk all over that poor abused woman and the way you talk about her is disgusting.
In fact you are a disgusting human being, who doesn't deserve a wife. I hope your wife gets to the bottom of this and finds out who you really are. 
Your wife should be apologizing to the OW because the OW doesn't deserve any of your wife's anger, she didn't do anything wrong, it is all on you!! You really need serious counselling.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

You got laid with a woman in a vunerable position. You achieved this by telling her you were divorced and making yourself appear single. You seem a little proud of your predator nature. I am not sure why you are posting here. You are probably better off just bragging to your mates.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

alexgunn said:


> Right, because someone who can actually get laid is a troll. Sorry that women actually want to sleep with me. Jesus christ!


Which "me" are these supposed women eager to sleep with? The divorced "me"? The married "me"? The remorseful that you betrayed your wife "me" or the arrogantly proud you can get laid "me"? The "I am going to own up to what I did" and come clean to your wife "me" or the let the innocent other woman take my wife's rage "me"? The "I came here for help" "me" or the defiant "you people do not understand" "me"? I do not believe that the individual portrayed in this thread knows who "me" is and that is deeply disturbing.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

So, you knew all this:



> They have been divorced for 6 years and he is re-married. He left his ex-wife for another woman,
> 
> She has been single And not intimate with anyone since their divorce. She has a bad past, which involved rape, molestation and abuse from multiple family members most of her childhood. She has a lot of trouble trusting men that she doesn’t know. It takes a long time to earn her trust and new men are not going to stick around for that.
> 
> She was always sitting alone and I felt bad for her. My friend ripped her heart out, stomped on it and ripped it to shreds.


But still did this:



> That hurt the other woman immensely. I cannot get the image of her facial expression when I walked out and told her I was married, out of my mind. Then I proceeded to say that I felt bad for her and things went to far, making her think it was a pity ****. I mean, it was, in a way.


Not a man, IMO. Vulnerable woman + scumbag with an opportunity = Basically a rapist.


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## MancMan (May 5, 2016)

DayOne said:


> So, you knew all this:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Woah that's a bit harsh! 

The guy knows he's done wrong and needs to own it. Yes he's bang out of order the way he treated the OW and his wife but calling him a rapist is WAY too far!

He didn't force the woman to sleep with him. He told her a lie that made her think he was available, he didn't profess undying love or promise her the world.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

_"I swear to god, I did not approach that woman with the intention of screwing her (sexually or otherwise)."_ 

I don't not believe this statement. I think you have always had a thing for her. I think you probably never expected an opportunity but you were definitely hunting..........("oh, I am divorced too....what a coincidence.....you must be lonely too........you look great.........etc) 

_"She was an equal participant."_ 

This would be true if it was not pre-meditated on your side (The lies kinda prove that, whether you accept it...up to you). She might have done it anyway even if she knew you were married....it's not possible to know that. 

_"I didn’t “prey” on her. She was an equal participant. SHE could have said no to lunches or dinner. SHE could have stopped when I kissed her. SHE invited me in, I didn’t initiate that. SHE could have stopped any time between us closing the door and sticking my **** in her. She gladly ****ed me. She’s always wanted to"_ 

She doesn't owe your wife or friend anything. There might have been a mutual attraction. You crapped all over your own soul bro. I wouldn't be surprised if you do it again now...the damn has been broken. I recommend that you get individual counseling with a view to confessing and apologising to your wife and friend. You could also send an apology for to the other woman for misleading her and inform her of no contact in future.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

MancMan said:


> Woah that's a bit harsh!
> 
> The guy knows he's done wrong and needs to own it. Yes he's bang out of order the way he treated the OW and his wife but calling him a rapist is WAY too far!
> 
> He didn't force the woman to sleep with him. He told her a lie that made her think he was available, he didn't profess undying love or promise her the world.


Nope. Read his replies. He simply doesn't give a ****. He found a woman, who he knew was vulnerable, alone, feeling unwanted for (at least) 6 years, and knew that the right lies, right words, that pretending to give a [email protected] about her would open her legs. 

And once he blew his load (probably without protection) he was outtathere, with an "oh BTW, i'm a lying sack of [email protected] A married sack of [email protected] Leaving her there, betrayed. Just a piece of meat that served his purpose.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

So, are you going to hide behind your wife's skirts while she believes one version or are you going to tell her that she has the total wrong end of the stick about the OW?


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## MancMan (May 5, 2016)

DayOne said:


> Nope. Read his replies. He simply doesn't give a sh*t. He found a woman, who he knew was vulnerable, alone, feeling unwanted for (at least) 6 years, and knew that the right lies, right words, that pretending to give a [email protected] about her would open her legs.
> 
> And once he blew his load (probably without protection) he was outtathere, with an "oh BTW, i'm a lying sack of [email protected] A married sack of [email protected] Leaving her there, betrayed. Just a piece of meat that served his purpose.


You're spot on about him being a sack of crap for what he's done. A complete A-hole even if he doesn't want to admit it but not a rapist!


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

alexgunn said:


> Right, because someone who can actually get laid is a troll. Sorry that women actually want to sleep with me. Jesus christ!


You had to LIE your ass off to get in her pants. That's nothing boast-worthy. 



Satya said:


> So, are you going to hide behind your wife's skirts while she believes one version or are you going to tell her that she has the total wrong end of the stick about the OW?


Of course he is. He's a weak man, so that's all he is capable of doing.


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## Chumpomatic (Mar 8, 2017)

"So you really think that every man on the planet who has a ONS, a hook up, should send a formal ****ing apology letter? Get a grip. We ****ed, that's it. That's all it was ever going to be. If she thinks anything else then she's an idiot. Sex does not equal a relationship. She let me do whatever I wanted without hesitation, she wasn't a ****ing innocent victim. She wanted sex, that's what she got. She doesn't get a ****ing apology to go with it. What am I suppose to say "Oh, sorry for lying to you. Just wanted to get in your pants. Sorry you were so gullible. Thanks for the sex. -Alex"."

WOW, yes you should apologize to her as she is not an OW in this case. Obviously, you were not honest with your wife about this or else she wouldn't have so much anger towards this woman. You led her on which is why she mentioned getting together after you returned from the conference. She felt comfortable with you when she has a past of abuse and abandonment. Yet, the shared history and familiarity of you set her at ease enough that she gave you a chance and opened up sexually with you, possibly looking for an emotional connection in the sex as well. Its been 6 years as you stated that she hasn't been with anyone. She's not some tramp from the sounds of it. How long do you think its going to take her now to even try to have a relationship with a man again because of your actions. This isn't a ONS at least not to her it wasn't. You brought this on yourself and you need to own this sh*t. Damn dude be a man and admit that you played her. We can all see it and we are all calling you out on it. The only one not calling you out is your wife because she hasn't be told the truth yet. She cant see it for what it is and she cant see you for what you are. Look at the man you are from your responses. You deceived this woman and your wife yet you call her an idiot? Good luck on the divorce because you're about to feel the ****ing that you gave this woman. Best thing you can do is own what you done and work on yourself so you don't screw anyone else up.


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## ScottishGirl1998 (Dec 19, 2015)

dianaelaine59 said:


> You really are something!!! If I said what I wanted to say, damn I would sure get banned!!!
> 
> You ****ing lied to her, you ****ing played her, then you never told your friend that you told her you weren't friends with him anymore, then you never told your wife that you told her you weren't married, and now you're all pissed and swearing on here saying she doesn't deserve an apology.
> 
> ...


Hear hear!!


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Simply put you played her. 

Your strong denial post where you put equal blame on her - after posting how remorseful you are - makes this thread seem not authentic. The posts are 180 degrees apart. 


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

alexgunn said:


> As the title suggests, this situation is a crap show.
> 
> I have been married to my wife for 10 years, we’re mid-30’s. I don’t usually use the term ‘best friend’ but in this posting I will, because if I had to pick one it would be him. I have a friend who I have been very close friends with for 30 years. We were each other’s best man at our weddings, for him, both of his weddings.
> 
> ...


If you were such close friends to her ex, how come she didn't know you were married to her? Or did you lie to her and tell her you were divorced?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

alexgunn said:


> I flirted back, along the same thinking that it would be harmless and make her feel better. On the last day we went out to dinner and afterwards I walked her back to her room. Before I left I kissed her and one thing led to another and we had sex. Right before we had sex she told me that she hadn’t been intimate with anyone since her ex-husband.
> 
> *Immediately after the sex I realized what I had done to my wife and I left.*


ROFL. :rofl::rofl::rofl:

Anyone ever notice that it's always *AFTER* they've gotten their rocks off that they 'suddenly' have an epiphany and "_realize what they've done to their spouse?_"

They seem to be incapable of this all-important 'vision' when they're playing the mating game with the possible affair partner and engaging in the cat and mouse flirting. They seem to be incapable of this all important 'vision' when they're finding more and more excuses to spend time with this person because they're interested in seeing where it's going to lead them and enjoying the thrill of the romance.

And they seem to be incapable of this all-important 'vision' when they *purposely* cross the physical line and make a sexual pass at said affair person, hoping it lands them in the sack.

Then, and *ONLY* then, are they suddenly capable or realizing what they've done to their _poor, poor spouse_.

It's an amazing oddity, isn't it folks?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> If you were such close friends to her ex, how come she didn't know you were married to her? Or did you lie to her and tell her you were divorced?


Matt, if you look closer at the OP, he wrote this:



alexgunn said:


> I sat with her and just tried to get her to talk to me. *I stupidly told her that I was divorced.*


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> ROFL. :rofl::rofl::rofl:
> 
> Anyone ever notice that it's always *AFTER* they've gotten their rocks off that they 'suddenly' have an epiphany and "_realize what they've done to their spouse?_"
> 
> ...




You're projecting a bit here. I haven't read any other threads here where OP made that claim.


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## Mrs.Sav (Mar 13, 2014)

alexgunn said:


> I didn’t “prey” on her. She was an equal participant. SHE could have said no to lunches or dinner. SHE could have stopped when I kissed her. SHE invited me in, I didn’t initiate that. SHE could have stopped any time between us closing the door and sticking my **** in her. She gladly ****ed me. She’s always wanted to. SHE ****ed her ex-husbands friend.
> 
> I’m not writing her an apology. For what? We aren’t a couple, never were. If she read the signals wrong then that’s on her. What do you expect from someone who has been a baron wasteland for over half a decade. People lie all the time to get what they want, don’t want to get hurt? Then don’t believe someone who might as well be a stranger.
> 
> ...


WoW - stop, just stop - you are so far removed from reality. It is difficult to contain my thoughts from translating here without getting banned when I see blame-shifting like this. :surprise:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Satya said:


> Matt, if you look closer at the OP, he wrote this:


Well, in truth, I already read that.

But I was just making the point to him that there could only be one possible reason why he told her that lie, which was to

*Break the trust of a hurting, vulnerable person and then run away from her, laughing to himself about how easy she had been!* 

And @alexgunn's blameshiffiting is truly horrible and one of the worst things I have seen on TAM in... well, since I first joined.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Not sure about you guys but I'm having a difficult time sympathizing with the Alex character.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Hope the ***** was worth it, my man. So gross .


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Red Sonja said:


> Getting laid by misrepresenting yourself is easy; the skills needed are 1. be good at lying and 2. prey on a vulnerable target. #1 and #2 are what psychopaths do everyday and they *do not *inspire pride or envy. BTW, you actually have to have a *functioning conscience* to realize this; something you do not seem to have, unfortunately.


QFT!!!

AlexG, do you suffer from some form of personality disorder? You are far from normal. I say this in all honesty based on your gross misrepresentation of yourself in your initial post to get us to even talk/post here. You flat out stated that you felt sorry for what you did to OW and of course your wife (fake empathy to gain our sympathy). Now your tune has changed in a dime. You are quite sick indeed. Professional help is of the utmost order in your life. 

It would be in their best interest if your wife and children would not stay close to you. You have done plenty of damage already. Commit yourself to a professional hospital( psychiatric facility to be more exact) that can help you with your very disturbing issues. TAM can't help you. 

I will pray for you and yours. The sooner your wife figures out just how sick you are, the sooner she will run away from you in the opposite direction. The other woman dodged a bullet with someone like you. I will also pray for her so that she can set your wife straight...straight to seeing you are the one and only responsible for this mess that is.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Not sure about you guys but I'm having a difficult time sympathizing with the Alex character.


No sympathy from me now that we can clearly see


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## Dr. Stupid (Dec 8, 2016)




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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Primrose said:


> You had to LIE your ass off to get in her pants. That's nothing boast-worthy.


Well, him courting this so called ONS for a whole week is nothing boast worthy either. Me thinks once he sleeps with his prey he leaves because he is not boast-worthy in the sack either. So he leaves before he is ridiculed for his performance or lack of it to be more exact.>

We know he didn't leave after the act was done with the OW because he was guilt ridden for his poor wife. Why else leave and not enjoy the pleasures of the prey a tad more? Because he knows his limitations.:surprise:


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Very generally, yes.




I tend to focus on the erratic responses 


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Not sure about you guys but I'm having a difficult time sympathizing with the Alex character.




Ya think?


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> It's called know your environment.


Indeed. He is the ugly product of "this" environment.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

alexgunn said:


> *She has been single since their divorce. She has a bad past, which involved rape, molestation and abuse from multiple family members most of her childhood. She has a lot of trouble trusting men that she doesn’t know. It takes a long time to earn her trust and new men are not going to stick around for that. *
> 
> She was always sitting alone and I felt bad for her. My friend ripped her heart out, stomped on it and ripped it to shreds. He left her for another woman, a ‘normal’ woman, and instantly made a family with her. I sat with her and just tried to get her to talk to me.* I stupidly told her that I was divorced.* I don’t know why I said that, it just quickly flew from my mouth to try and make her feel better. After that I kept sitting with her because I felt like I had to at that point. We went out to lunch a few times, because the food there wasn’t great. She was flirting a bit and I let it happen because in my head I was thinking that it was harmless, maybe made her feel better and once we're home we never see each other. I flirted back, along the same thinking that it would be harmless and make her feel better. On the last day we went out to dinner and afterwards I walked her back to her room. Before I left I kissed her and one thing led to another and we had sex. Right before we had sex she told me that she hadn’t been intimate with anyone since her ex-husband. Immediately after the sex I realized what I had done to my wife and I left. That hurt the other woman immensely. I cannot get the image of her facial expression when I walked out and told her I was married, out of my mind. Then I proceeded to say that I felt bad for her and things went to far, making her think it was a pity ****. I mean, it was, in a way. That’s what led to it. She is a gorgeous woman though.


If this was for real, what you did wasn't "stupidly tell her you're divorced". It was calculated. And then there's this gem...



alexgunn said:


> I didn’t “prey” on her. She was an equal participant. SHE could have said no to lunches or dinner. SHE could have stopped when I kissed her. SHE invited me in, I didn’t initiate that. SHE could have stopped any time between us closing the door and sticking my **** in her. She gladly ****ed me. She’s always wanted to. SHE ****ed her ex-husbands friend.
> 
> I’m not writing her an apology. For what? We aren’t a couple, never were. If she read the signals wrong then that’s on her. What do you expect from someone who has been a baron wasteland for over half a decade. People lie all the time to get what they want, don’t want to get hurt? Then don’t believe someone who might as well be a stranger.
> 
> ...


When a child is abused horribly by the adults that they trust most, who are supposed to be protecting them and doing right by them, it almost always stunts the child psychologically. This is common knowledge. People who have been abused tend to respond to emotional intimacy with sexual intimacy at very alarming rates and everyone knows this, think back to a girl you know who was raped in her youth, and what happened to her behavior afterwards (especially if she was a virgin). These people are desperately trying to normalize in their heads what was done to them. What you did was--like any predator would--mark the weakest target in a room, then close in to make your move. And this is predation. 

Then, to top it off, you don't bother to impress upon you betrayed wife that you lied to this woman, and told her that you were divorced, and turned your wife's ire, and naturally abusive reaction to having what is hers threatened, upon this horribly abused woman who you had preyed upon. An apology wouldn't be enough. It wouldn't even begin to touch on what the right course of action, the honorable course of action would be.

Seriously. If this is real, it's monstrous. And my advice would be that you [redacted to prevent banning]


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> BTW, did you tell your BW that you told your friend's ex that you were divorced?...Ooh! Maybe the betrayed wife character could bang the best friend for a revenge lay! Hell, it ain't like he's above stepping outside his marriage for a bit of side action. Plus he sounds like the type of guy that could get his AP/OW/wife to go along with it. And maybe even join in!
> 
> Sorry, didn't mean to jump too far ahead.


Here is what I don't understand about the story. If this is the ex-wife of the OP's best friend, how did she not know he was married? The way his wife talks on her FB sounds like she knows the woman. Makes no sense.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

WorkingWife said:


> Here is what I don't understand about the story. If this is the ex-wife of the OP's best friend, how did she not know he was married? The way his wife talks on her FB sounds like she knows the woman. Makes no sense.


They _do_ all know each other.

He lied to her and told her that he'd divorced his wife.

He told her that on the first day.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> They _do_ all know each other.
> 
> He lied to her and told her that he'd divorced his wife.
> 
> He told her that on the first day.


It just seems like if they knew each other the friend's ex would have been suspicious of his claim to be divorced. Unless it'd been a long time since they'd seen each other.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Moderator message*

OK, folks. No allusions to anyone being a troll, please?

If this thread is causing distress, angst or triggering, just step away from it or use the report function if you wish.

And the ignore feature is still available.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

So Alex, has the cat got your tongue? 

Is a group of strangers showing you who you really are? 

Will you redeem yourself?

Let me reiterate:

1. dishonest, you lied to the OW and your BW
2. cowardly, you didn't have the balls to tell your wife the truth
3. predatory, you took advantage of a woman whom you knew was vulnerable
4. corrupt, you crossed an unspoken line, a man should never sleep with his friends ex's
5. devious, you groomed OW for a week
6. unscrupulous, you let your wife fight a battle for you, when all along you knew she did not know the truth

With those kind of qualities, yeah you are a great catch. Sorry I forgot to add to the list, you are delusional as well, you think you really didn't do anything wrong.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

aine said:


> So Alex, has the cat got your tongue?


I imagine he's quietly snuck off, like a little *****, after seeing NO-ONE has his back here in TAM. Maybe he will find LoveShack more to his liking.... >


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Him and his wife appear to be the types that would blame the jury if they're found guilty.


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## alexgunn (Mar 26, 2017)

DayOne said:


> So, you knew all this:
> 
> But still did this:
> 
> Not a man, IMO. Vulnerable woman + scumbag with an opportunity = Basically a rapist.


I didn't ****ing rape her. She was a willing participant in all of it. I didn't kidnap her, shove her into her room, hog tie her and rape her. I didn't ****ing rape her.


----------



## alexgunn (Mar 26, 2017)

Bibi1031 said:


> Well, him courting this so called ONS for a whole week is nothing boast worthy either. Me thinks once he sleeps with his prey he leaves because he is not boast-worthy in the sack either. So he leaves before he is ridiculed for his performance or lack of it to be more exact.>
> 
> We know he didn't leave after the act was done with the OW because he was guilt ridden for his poor wife. Why else leave and not enjoy the pleasures of the prey a tad more? Because he knows his limitations.:surprise:


There was nothing ****ing wrong with my performance. I'm not riddled with ED. I know how to please a woman. I left because I owed her nothing. Done. SHE was the one who wanted to see me again.


----------



## alexgunn (Mar 26, 2017)

DayOne said:


> Nope. Read his replies. He simply doesn't give a ****. He found a woman, who he knew was vulnerable, alone, feeling unwanted for (at least) 6 years, and knew that the right lies, right words, that pretending to give a [email protected] about her would open her legs.
> 
> And once he blew his load (probably without protection) he was outtathere, with an "oh BTW, i'm a lying sack of [email protected] A married sack of [email protected] Leaving her there, betrayed. Just a piece of meat that served his purpose.


She's not ****ing vulnerable. She is a grown ass woman who is mentally able to make her own decisions. She isn't handicapped. She may have said it was the first time she ****ed someone in 6 years but I doubt it. She knew exactly what to do and had no limitations. "Oh I haven't had sex in 6 years but you wanna **** me in the ass? Sure go for it". I'd say her saying she hadn't slept with someone in half a decade was just as much of a lie as anything else. If she was so broken and vulnerable she wouldn't have even been in that room.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

alexgunn said:


> There was nothing ****ing wrong with my performance. I'm not riddled with ED. I know how to please a woman.* I left because I owed her nothing. Done.* SHE was the one who wanted to see me again.


There's that complete lack of any empathy again...

I'd consider some individual counseling, and seeing if someone else can help you develop that apparently atrophied trait. Also read a lot of novels, it's been shown to help develop empathy.


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## alexgunn (Mar 26, 2017)

Satya said:


> So, are you going to hide behind your wife's skirts while she believes one version or are you going to tell her that she has the total wrong end of the stick about the OW?


The more I think about it, why would I tell her that? She knows that I cheated, she knows then when, where and who. She doesn't need to know more than that. If she wants to be angry at someone other than me than so be it. That is better for my marriage. My marriage is what is important to me not getting consumed in the details. It's not like I'm sitting over here in paradise. My wife hates me, she thinks I'm a moron. She won't touch me. She wants to leave for some time away but doesn't trust me to leave me here alone. So she stays in this house but I get the silent treatment and can't get closer than 20ft to her. She sleeps in the guest room and locks the door. She told her friends and family. She called my boss and asked for my work schedule telling him she needed it because I cheated and she didn't trust me. My friends are giving me the cold shoulder. Happy? My wife knows. She doesn't need to know every last word that I exchanged.


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## alexgunn (Mar 26, 2017)

Kivlor said:


> There's that complete lack of any empathy again...
> 
> I'd consider some individual counseling, and seeing if someone else can help you develop that apparently atrophied trait. Also read a lot of novels, it's been shown to help develop empathy.


We haven't ****ing spoken in YEARS. When she got divorced her EX HUSBANDS FRIENDS including myself and my wife where OUT OF HER LIFE. She might as well be a stranger to me. You're supposed to feel bad for everyone you have a ONS with? For everyone you didn't want to date? I better buy a large notebook and start writing some letters then.


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## ScottishGirl1998 (Dec 19, 2015)

alexgunn said:


> She's not ****ing vulnerable. *She is a grown ass woman who is mentally able to make her own decisions.* She isn't handicapped. She may have said it was the first time she ****ed someone in 6 years but I doubt it. She knew exactly what to do and had no limitations. "Oh I haven't had sex in 6 years but you wanna **** me in the ass? Sure go for it". I'd say her saying she hadn't slept with someone in half a decade was just as much of a lie as anything else. If she was so broken and vulnerable she wouldn't have even been in that room.


Yes, and she made a decision to have sex with you based on you telling her you were DIVORCED!!

BTW, is your wife still harassing her or have you been a man and told her the truth yet?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

This thread keeps getting better and better.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

alexgunn said:


> SHE was the one who wanted to see me again.


or so you say.


...and we are to believe you because you are always so honest right?


Come on dude, if she would of really wanted you, your wife's facebook page would have been smokin from all the times she would have been fighting for your prowess in the bedroom. According to your account she didn't right?(insert evil grin here)


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

ScottishGirl1998 said:


> Yes, and she made a decision to have sex with you based on you telling her you were DIVORCED!!


Quoted for emphasis. 

This is why we are having an issue with your fallback on her free choice to sleep with you. It was a choice based upon false information.


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## alexgunn (Mar 26, 2017)

ScottishGirl1998 said:


> Yes, and she made a decision to have sex with you based on you telling her you were DIVORCED!!
> 
> BTW, is your wife still harassing her or have you been a man and told her the truth yet?


Well I might be divorced in the near future so it wasn't that far from a lie.


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## alexgunn (Mar 26, 2017)

Satya said:


> Quoted for emphasis.
> 
> This is why we are having an issue with your fallback on her free choice to sleep with you. It was a choice based upon false information.


People get false information all the time! For everything in life. We didn't sign a pre-coitus contract. She never once asked about my wife. I said I was divorced once and it never came up again.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

alexgunn said:


> The more I think about it, why would I tell her that? She knows that I cheated, she knows then when, where and who. She doesn't need to know more than that. If she wants to be angry at someone other than me than so be it. That is better for my marriage. My marriage is what is important to me not getting consumed in the details. It's not like I'm sitting over here in paradise. My wife hates me, she thinks I'm a moron. She won't touch me. She wants to leave for some time away but doesn't trust me to leave me here alone. So she stays in this house but I get the silent treatment and can't get closer than 20ft to her. She sleeps in the guest room and locks the door. She told her friends and family. She called my boss and asked for my work schedule telling him she needed it because I cheated and she didn't trust me. My friends are giving me the cold shoulder. Happy? My wife knows. She doesn't need to know every last word that I exchanged.


Alex, what were you expecting, exactly? 

It's called a fallout for a reason. Now is when you eat the humble pie and work to gain her trust back. What's broken in 5 seconds takes 2-5 years to repair. But adjusting R to your designed comfort level (keeping the truth of what you told the OW from your wife) is not a good approach IMO. It means you're not ready to be fully transparent. 

Did you say you have kids? What if your daughter was in the same situation as the OW, and she came to you and told you what happened? You'd be so furious for her I bet, you'd want to rip the guy a new one. 

It's your choice, your life, your marriage, and I wish you well.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

alexgunn said:


> We haven't ****ing spoken in YEARS. When she got divorced her EX HUSBANDS FRIENDS including myself and my wife where OUT OF HER LIFE. She might as well be a stranger to me. You're supposed to feel bad for everyone you have a ONS with? For everyone you didn't want to date? I better buy a large notebook and start writing some letters then.


Dude. Stop. Think.

This was not a complete stranger to you. So "she might as well have been a complete stranger to me" is a complete fabrication you are erecting to defend yourself. You are defending yourself because you know that you did something wrong and you are having problems accepting the criticism. 

This is a girl who you knew was horribly abused by people close to her. And you took advantage. You lied to her about your marital status. You knew that she wasn't into ONS, and you didn't bother to be up front about that. Then you pulled the rug out from under her once you got your rocks off. We're not talking about you being at a bar, and picking up some random floozie who you have not met, and know nothing about, and is obviously out looking for the same thing you are. 

Let me give you an analogy. I went to school with a girl who was sexually abused. She was raped by her best friends father. This permanently affected her behavior and her brain. It was obvious just watching how she started behaving when she came back to school afterwards. We're FB friends--so absolutely no contact since HS--and last I saw (a few years ago) she was married. If I ran into her, and she were divorced, what I wouldn't do is try to get into her pants, because I know that she is still a wounded kid. The brain damage from CSA is serious. It's well known. It would be like taking advantage of a child.

You can't undo what you've done. And you know the damage was done, go back and read your first post. Here, I'll quote it:



> That hurt the other woman immensely. I cannot get the image of her facial expression when I walked out and told her I was married, out of my mind. Then I proceeded to say that I felt bad for her and things went to far, making her think it was a pity ****. I mean, it was, in a way. That’s what led to it. She is a gorgeous woman though.


Stop running from your monstrous behavior, stop blame shifting, take some responsibility, and go get some serious help.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

alexgunn said:


> People get false information all the time! For everything in life. We didn't sign a pre-coitus contract. She never once asked about my wife. I said I was divorced once and it never came up again.


What else was there to ask? You said you're single.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

alexgunn said:


> People get false information all the time! For everything in life. We didn't sign a pre-coitus contract. She never once asked about my wife. I said I was divorced once and it never came up again.




Just keep digging yourself deeper in that hole man with those ridiculous excuses that excuse nothing. As to your wife changing her tune on you; well we call that getting YOUR just desserts. I hope she figures out a more permanent solution to her problems real soon and a barracuda lawyer helps her along the way. A WS that has no empathy, remorse, and continues to deceive his BS shouldn't be married at all. 


Do you at least make a decent living and have at least assets worth fighting for? Let us know please, it would be an interesting read.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Folks, expecting someone with drag scars on his knuckles to somehow be capable of either empathy or accountability isn't going to lead to anything other than a whole lot of entertainment for all of us.

So, by all means, keep it up. :smthumbup:
@alexgunn, has your wife started sleeping around yet? I only ask because she strikes me as the kind of gal that might be shopping around for a revenge lay.

Hell, maybe a few of them.


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## ScottishGirl1998 (Dec 19, 2015)

alexgunn said:


> Well I might be divorced in the near future so it wasn't that far from a lie.


Yeah buddy, whatever you say.

Are you a politician by any chance? Because you're damn good at deflecting blame and avoiding answering direct questions!!


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

*sets table with fine china and linen. Has a very comfy chair placed at head of table. Brings fresh hot "humble pie" and places it on table*

PLEASE .... help yourself to a BIG piece ... and feel free to eat as much as you want!!!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

alexgunn said:


> Well I might be divorced in the near future so it wasn't that far from a lie.


It wasn't a lie, it was prophecy!


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## ScottishGirl1998 (Dec 19, 2015)

dianaelaine59 said:


> *sets table with fine china and linen. Has a very comfy chair placed at head of table. Brings fresh hot "humble pie" and places it on table*
> 
> PLEASE .... help yourself to a BIG piece ... and feel free to eat as much as you want!!!
> 
> ...


Lets hope he doesn't choke on it!!


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## alexgunn (Mar 26, 2017)

Satya said:


> Alex, what were you expecting, exactly?
> 
> It's called a fallout for a reason. Now is when you eat the humble pie and work to gain her trust back. What's broken in 5 seconds takes 2-5 years to repair. But adjusting R to your designed comfort level (keeping the truth of what you told the OW from your wife) is not a good approach IMO. It means you're not ready to be fully transparent.
> 
> ...


I knew my wife would be hurt and unhappy about it. That's why I debated not telling her at all. It's not going to happen again. My wife wants me to stop going on business trips, fine. My wife wants me to stop going out with friends, that's not going to be hard now. My wife wants me to get an STD test, fine. 

The other woman is not totally innocent here. Ok fine sure she thought I was single. HOWEVER, the knew I was friends with her exhusband. Yes I said we were not close anymore but I did not say we weren't friends at all and she knew I was his closet friend. She got divorced, and ****ed the best man. She knew I was married at some point and to some degree knew my wife. They aren't friends, never have been but still she knew who I was married to and came to our wedding. We didn't use a condom and she went along with it. She was ok doing things during a ONS/first hook up that most other women are not. She made stupid choices as well. She could **** up her whole family dynamic as well. 

Neither of my daughters, or son, are going to be talking to me about who they are sleeping with. If you sleep around you can get burned.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> has your wife started sleeping around yet? I only ask because she strikes me as the kind of gal that might be shopping around for a revenge lay.


If he reported his old lady's reaction accurately, she definitely sounds like the the type that would want to even the score. And in my opinion, what would give her better mileage than to target and score with the best friend.


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## BradWesley2 (Jul 15, 2016)

I hope that piece of ass was really worth it, because if your wife exercises her option, it will be the most expensive piece you've ever had.


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## alexgunn (Mar 26, 2017)

Kivlor said:


> What else was there to ask? You said you're single.


How long? Why? If I'm ready to date, since you all are so adamant she wanted me to get down on one knee after screwing her.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

alexgunn said:


> How long? Why? If I'm ready to date, since you all are so adamant she wanted me to get down on one knee after screwing her.


Why would you expect someone who has been seriously abused to ask questions like that, and pry? These kinds of people tend to hold things to their chest, and expect that you'll want to do the same with traumatic things unless you offer to talk about them. And divorce tends to be a pretty traumatic event.


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## ScottishGirl1998 (Dec 19, 2015)

alexgunn said:


> I knew my wife would be hurt and unhappy about it. That's why I debated not telling her at all. It's not going to happen again. My wife wants me to stop going on business trips, fine. My wife wants me to stop going out with friends, that's not going to be hard now. My wife wants me to get an STD test, fine.
> 
> The other woman is not totally innocent here. Ok fine sure she thought I was single. HOWEVER, the knew I was friends with her exhusband. Yes I said we were not close anymore but I did not say we weren't friends at all and she knew I was his closet friend. She got divorced, and ****ed the best man. She knew I was married at some point and to some degree knew my wife. They aren't friends, never have been but still she knew who I was married to and came to our wedding. We didn't use a condom and she went along with it. She was ok doing things during a ONS/first hook up that most other women are not. She made stupid choices as well. She could **** up her whole family dynamic as well.
> 
> *Neither of my daughters, or son, are going to be talking to me about who they are sleeping with. If you sleep around you can get burned.*


Which is why it is important to set a good example, which you have failed to do. 

I bet if she gets pregnant then that'll be her fault too, right? Thought so.


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## alexgunn (Mar 26, 2017)

Bibi1031 said:


> Just keep digging yourself deeper in that hole man with those ridiculous excuses that excuse nothing. As to your wife changing her tune on you; well we call that getting YOUR just desserts. I hope she figures out a more permanent solution to her problems real soon and a barracuda lawyer helps her along the way. A WS that has no empathy, remorse, and continues to deceive his BS shouldn't be married at all.
> 
> 
> Do you at least make a decent living and have at least assets worth fighting for? Let us know please, it would be an interesting read.


My finances are none of your concern. I make enough that we live comfortably and my wife can stay home with our kids. If I had no empathy I wouldn't have told my wife. If I had no remorse I wouldn't have told my wife. I also wouldn't be here. I came with the original intention of righting my wrongs.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

alexgunn said:


> How long? Why? If I'm ready to date, since you all are so adamant she wanted me to get down on one knee after screwing her.


Did you ask her these things when she told you she was divorced?


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## alexgunn (Mar 26, 2017)

GusPolinski said:


> Folks, expecting someone with drag scars on his knuckles to somehow be capable of either empathy or accountability isn't going to lead to anything other than a whole lot of entertainment for all of us.
> 
> So, by all means, keep it up. :smthumbup:
> 
> ...


My wife isn't a *****, she isn't sleeping around. Not all women do. Some have respect for themselves.


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## ScottishGirl1998 (Dec 19, 2015)

alexgunn said:


> My finances are none of your concern. I make enough that we live comfortably and my wife can stay home with our kids. If I had no empathy I wouldn't have told my wife. If I had no remorse I wouldn't have told my wife. I also wouldn't be here. *I came with the original intention of righting my wrongs.*


If you truly want to do that then tell your wife that you misled the woman by advising her you were divorced when you first met, and never mentioned being married until AFTER you had slept together. Then she will be able to direct her anger at the correct person (you) and you can go from there.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

alexgunn said:


> My wife isn't a *****, she isn't sleeping around. Not all women do. Some have respect for themselves.


And all men don't lie to women to get them to sleep with them either. Some have respect for themselves (and others)


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## ScottishGirl1998 (Dec 19, 2015)

alexgunn said:


> My wife isn't a *****, she isn't sleeping around. Not all women do. *Some have respect for themselves.*


She obviously doesn't have much respect for herself if she's still married to a lying cheat like you.


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## alexgunn (Mar 26, 2017)

Kivlor said:


> It wasn't a lie, it was prophecy!


Not if I can help it. I'm not giving up on my wife that easily.


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## alexgunn (Mar 26, 2017)

VladDracul said:


> If he reported his old lady's reaction accurately, she definitely sounds like the the type that would want to even the score. And in my opinion, what would give her better mileage than to target and score with the best friend.


My wife wants to be a ***** to who ****ed me, not go sleep around herself. Where is that going to get her? Knocked up with an STD? Some people are smart enough not to sleep around. Not all women are as sex hungry as _some_.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

alexgunn said:


> My wife isn't a *****, she isn't sleeping around. Not all women do. Some have respect for themselves.


Would you say that such women probably don't associate with men that sleep around?

Not knowingly or willingly, I mean.


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## alexgunn (Mar 26, 2017)

Kivlor said:


> Why would you expect someone who has been seriously abused to ask questions like that, and pry? These kinds of people tend to hold things to their chest, and expect that you'll want to do the same with traumatic things unless you offer to talk about them. And divorce tends to be a pretty traumatic event.


Well I wouldn't know, I haven't gone through a divorce and I'm going to do everything to keep it that way. If she has hang ups that led to her getting hurt that is HER fault. Don't go sleeping around if your still hung up on your sexual abuse. Don't sleep with someone if you will be hurt if it turns into a ONS. I'm not a psychiatrist.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

alexgunn said:


> Not if I can help it. I'm not giving up on my wife that easily.


It's funny that you think you have a choice left to make in that regard.


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## ScottishGirl1998 (Dec 19, 2015)

alexgunn said:


> My wife wants to be a ***** to who ****ed me, not go sleep around herself. Where is that going to get her? Knocked up with an STD? *Some people are smart enough not to sleep around.* Not all women are as sex hungry as _some_.


And some sleep with men who tell them they are divorced, and whom prey on them at times of vulnerability. 

You really don't take any responsibility for this at all, do you?


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## alexgunn (Mar 26, 2017)

ScottishGirl1998 said:


> Which is why it is important to set a good example, which you have failed to do.
> 
> I bet if she gets pregnant then that'll be her fault too, right? Thought so.


She is in control of her own birth control. As am I. She gladly went without a condom which tells me she is on the pill. Would it be entirely her fault no. But it is her responsibility to take care of it.

My kids don't know or need to know who I have sex with. Don't be ridiculous. Did I make a mistake? Yes. Do you want me to shout that from the rooftops? What my kids will learn is that we went through a hard time but fought to make it work instead of throwing marriage away like 90% of people who wind up here.


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## alexgunn (Mar 26, 2017)

Satya said:


> Did you ask her these things when she told you she was divorced?


She is my friends exwife, I've always known she was divorced.


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## alexgunn (Mar 26, 2017)

ScottishGirl1998 said:


> If you truly want to do that then tell your wife that you misled the woman by advising her you were divorced when you first met, and never mentioned being married until AFTER you had slept together. Then she will be able to direct her anger at the correct person (you) and you can go from there.


She is already mad at me. I don't think it's possible for her to get any more pissed off at me. I'm not going to tell her something that will almost guarantee she walks out that door. The cheating is bad enough. I do not want to divorce her but she will think otherwise.


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## ScottishGirl1998 (Dec 19, 2015)

alexgunn said:


> Well I wouldn't know, I haven't gone through a divorce and I'm going to do everything to keep it that way. If she has hang ups that led to her getting hurt that is HER fault. Don't go sleeping around if your still hung up on your sexual abuse. Don't sleep with someone if you will be hurt if it turns into a ONS. I'm not a psychiatrist.


She wasn't hurt that it was a one night stand per se, she was hurt because you told her you were actually married then ran off!! And to top it all, a few days later she had to contend with abusive messages from your wife slating her for sleeping with a married man, because you are too cowardly to tell your wife the full story of your deceit.


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## ScottishGirl1998 (Dec 19, 2015)

alexgunn said:


> She is already mad at me. I don't think it's possible for her to get any more pissed off at me. *I'm not going to tell her something that will almost guarantee she walks out that door.* The cheating is bad enough. I do not want to divorce her but she will think otherwise.


So in that case you are going to continue to let her believe the other woman knowingly slept with a married man and blame her rather than yourself. 

That's your choice and therefore I don't think this forum can be of any more help to you.


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## alexgunn (Mar 26, 2017)

ScottishGirl1998 said:


> She wasn't hurt that it was a one night stand per se, she was hurt because you told her you were actually married then ran off!! And to top it all, a few days later she had to contend with abusive messages from your wife slating her for sleeping with a married man, because you are too cowardly to tell your wife the full story of your deceit.


How is that my responsibility? Seriously. Yes, I slept with her. Yes, I lied to her. Ok, yes I made mistakes and I'm the worlds biggest *******. Happy? I am not her boyfriend. I am not her husband. I'm not even her damn friend. My wife hurt her, but she hurt my wife more. Intentionally or not. And if she really want to, she could tell my wife what I told her.

I understand that the other woman is probably hurt, but my energy, time and focus goes to my wife. Not someone who was nothing more than a way to pass time until I went home to my WIFE. Sorry she's so gullible.


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## alexgunn (Mar 26, 2017)

GusPolinski said:


> Would you say that such women probably don't associate with men that sleep around?
> 
> Not knowingly or willingly, I mean.





GusPolinski said:


> It's funny that you think you have a choice left to make in that regard.


I have cheated on my wife ONCE. I don't go around sleeping with other women every damn weekend. I have gone on plenty of business trips and not cheated. It was a one time mistake. A situation threw itself at me and I took it. I've taken responsibility for that and told my wife. Yes my wife can choose to divorce me, but it IS my choice to fight for her. I love my wife and I'm sorry that I hurt her. I do not have the energy to care about someone else who is hurting. Lots of people in the world hurt, you can't help them all. My wife and my marriage are what I can help. That is what I WANT to help. 

If I absolutely have to tell my wife that I lied to the other woman than so be it. But I'm not doing it right now when the wound is so fresh. That will push her over the edge. She needs time to process and calm down before another bomb is dropped.


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## Dr. Stupid (Dec 8, 2016)

Add a knife and rope to this story, and it would make a great Criminal Minds plot line.


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## ScottishGirl1998 (Dec 19, 2015)

alexgunn said:


> How is that my responsibility? Seriously. Yes, I slept with her. Yes, I lied to her. Ok, yes I made mistakes and I'm the worlds biggest *******. Happy? I am not her boyfriend. I am not her husband. I'm not even her damn friend. My wife hurt her, *but she hurt my wife more.* Intentionally or not. And if she really want to, she could tell my wife what I told her.
> 
> I understand that the other woman is probably hurt, but my energy, time and focus goes to my wife. Not someone who was nothing more than a way to pass time until I went home to my WIFE. Sorry she's so gullible.


No she didn't, YOU hurt your wife. The other woman was single and you were not. She did not cheat on someone nor did she knowingly assist a man on cheating, so lets get that straight. You hurt your wife by sleeping with another woman. The fact she hasn't corrected your wife and told her that you lied about being divorced actually shows that she is a GOOD PERSON, and doesn't want to make the situation worse for you. God knows why!! I would stick the knife in and twist it if I were her.

I like your turn of phrase that cheating on your wife was just something to "pass the time". Classy!!


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

alexgunn said:


> If I absolutely have to tell my wife that I lied to the other woman than so be it. But I'm not doing it right now when the wound is so fresh. That will push her over the edge. She needs time to process and calm down before another bomb is dropped.


Good plan. Don't confess the lies all at one.

Just as she's starting to feel better hit her with round 2.


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## alexgunn (Mar 26, 2017)

ScottishGirl1998 said:


> So in that case you are going to continue to let her believe the other woman knowingly slept with a married man and blame her rather than yourself.
> 
> That's your choice and therefore I don't think this forum can be of any more help to you.


I have blamed myself. If I wasn't blaming myself I'd sell my wife some story about man-rape. Neither I nor the other woman are innocent in this. She made just as many mistakes as I did. My wife is going to hate her and be mad at her regardless. The other woman can block her, problem solved on her end. My wife wants her dead. In her words, because a woman who ****ed my husband can't be walking this earth.

I've told my wife the important details. I told her I cheated, I told her when and who, I told her how much time I spent with her, I told her it was unprotected - not like she'd touch me now anyway. It's not like I'm hiding it all from her.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

alexgunn said:


> I have cheated on my wife ONCE. I don't go around sleeping with other women every damn weekend. I have gone on plenty of business trips and not cheated. It was a one time mistake. A situation threw itself at me and I took it. I've taken responsibility for that and told my wife. Yes my wife can choose to divorce me, but it IS my choice to fight for her. I love my wife and I'm sorry that I hurt her. I do not have the energy to care about someone else who is hurting. Lots of people in the world hurt, you can't help them all. My wife and my marriage are what I can help. That is what I WANT to help.
> 
> If I absolutely have to tell my wife that I lied to the other woman than so be it. But I'm not doing it right now when the wound is so fresh. That will push her over the edge. She needs time to process and calm down before another bomb is dropped.


Please don't ever leave.

Seriously, this stuff is great.

It's almost as if it was written specifically to illicit -- or "trigger", if you will -- a sharp response from betrayed spouses.

Anyone check Reddit today?


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

stixx said:


> Good plan. Don't confess the lies all at one.
> 
> Just as she's starting to feel better hit her with round 2.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

alexgunn said:


> The other woman is not totally innocent here. Ok fine sure she thought I was single.


Lol. Anything else is noise. You know like the teacher in the Charlie Brown shows? Wah wah wah.


----------



## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

ScottishGirl1998 said:


> Lets hope he doesn't choke on it!!




What WAS I thinking! 

*places large pitcher of water on table*


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## ScottishGirl1998 (Dec 19, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


>


That picture says more than any reply could! :laugh:


----------



## alexgunn (Mar 26, 2017)

Dr. Stupid said:


> Add a knife and rope to this story, and it would make a great Criminal Minds plot line.


WTF is that? 



ScottishGirl1998 said:


> No she didn't, YOU hurt your wife. The other woman was single and you were not. She did not cheat on someone nor did she knowingly assist a man on cheating, so lets get that straight. You hurt your wife by sleeping with another woman. The fact she hasn't corrected your wife and told her that you lied about being divorced actually shows that she is a GOOD PERSON, and doesn't want to make the situation worse for you. God knows why!! I would stick the knife in and twist it if I were her.
> 
> I like your turn of phrase that cheating on your wife was just something to "pass the time". Classy!!


Unintentionally, she hurt my wife. She was a ginormous ***** to her exhusband when he married someone else, lets give the benefit of the doubt and say she was hurt because someone else was with her exhusband. My "exwife" would be the same. She may not have plotted to hurt my wife, I understand that but my wife is still hurt and angry at her. 

How many "good people" sleep with strangers, unprotected and let said stranger "have their way with them"? Nil. I appreciate that she hasn't said anything to my wife but that doesn't speak anything of her, other than what I've always known which is she is shy as **** and doesn't like confrontation. 



stixx said:


> Good plan. Don't confess the lies all at one.
> 
> Just as she's starting to feel better hit her with round 2.


It's better than dropping more than she can handle. If a person gets a multitude of illnesses at once they may not survive, but if those illnesses came one at a time they'd have a much better chance. The way I see it, it's no different.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

alexgunn said:


> Not if I can help it. I'm not giving up on my wife that easily.


Guess what? It's not your decision to make. It's solely your wife's decision.

And from where i sit, you gave up pretty damn easily for that 'tang. Weak sauce.


----------



## alexgunn (Mar 26, 2017)

GusPolinski said:


> Please don't ever leave.
> 
> Seriously, this stuff is great.
> 
> ...


I'm not here to be your source of entertainment. Get a hobby or something. I came here because I didn't want to lose my wife or my friendships, but more importantly my wife. If anyone is trying to piss someone off it's everyone here trying to piss me off. And congrats, it worked.


----------



## ScottishGirl1998 (Dec 19, 2015)

alexgunn said:


> I have blamed myself. If I wasn't blaming myself I'd sell my wife some story about man-rape. Neither I nor the other woman are innocent in this. She made just as many mistakes as I did. My wife is going to hate her and be mad at her regardless. The other woman can block her, problem solved on her end. *My wife wants her dead. In her words, because a woman who ****ed my husband can't be walking this earth.*
> 
> I've told my wife the important details. I told her I cheated, I told her when and who, I told her how much time I spent with her, I told her it was unprotected - not like she'd touch me now anyway. It's not like I'm hiding it all from her.


You do realise that hypothetically if your wife was to assault or murder this woman then you would be culpable? I can guarantee you that she would not feel that strongly about her if she knew all the facts. She would still hate her, yes, but you would be the one she'd want to not to walk this earth.


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

He's ANGRY because he can't handle being the "bad" guy. 

I've know many men like this. They're all sweet and complimentary to said woman, UNTIL they're seen as the bad dude and there's confrontation and accountability, then they turn into "Monster Man". 

They CAN'T be wrong, they don't have faults ... and dammed if anyone is going to show them they do!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## alexgunn (Mar 26, 2017)

lucy999 said:


> Guess what? It's not your decision to make. It's solely your wife's decision.
> 
> And from where i sit, you gave up pretty damn easily for that 'tang. Weak sauce.


No, you are right it's not my decision in what my wife does. But it IS my decision to fight for her. To do whatever she wants so that she can trust me again. To do whatever it takes to not end in a courthouse erasing our marriage. It is my choice, and I am making that choice, to fight for my wife. I will do whatever she wants. She wants me to get a **** transplant so I have one that hasn't been in _that_ particular woman, than so be it.


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## alexgunn (Mar 26, 2017)

ScottishGirl1998 said:


> You do realise that hypothetically if your wife was to assault or murder this woman then you would be culpable? I can guarantee you that she would not feel that strongly about her if she knew all the facts. She would still hate her, yes, but you would be the one she'd want to not to walk this earth.


My wife can't kill a damn spider. She isn't going to kill anyone. The worst of my wife is sending some messages. Which she stopped because she doesn't want to lose more to that woman. I honestly don't think anything would make her hate that woman less. She ****ed her husband, that's how my wife sees it. My wife assumes she is more attractive, better in some way. I've corrected her but that way of thinking isn't going anywhere for quite a while I'd imagine. 



dianaelaine59 said:


> He's ANGRY because he can't handle being the "bad" guy.
> 
> I've know many men like this. They're all sweet and complimentary to said woman, UNTIL they're seen as the bad dude and there's confrontation and accountability, then they turn into "Monster Man".
> 
> ...


No, I'm angry because you are purposely trying to make me angry and make me seem worse than I am. I was wrong, I have faults just like you do. But I am not the worst person on this planet.


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

alexgunn said:


> No, you are right it's not my decision in what my wife does. But it IS my decision to fight for her. To do whatever she wants so that she can trust me again. To do whatever it takes to not end in a courthouse erasing our marriage. It is my choice, and I am making that choice, to fight for my wife. I will do whatever she wants. She wants me to get a **** transplant so I have one that hasn't been in _that_ particular woman, than so be it. Though she probably gets around so that might be hard.


No one's asking you to get a face transplant. 

What you need to be doing is much simpler, and it won't cost you anything.

It's called "Being completely honest with her".


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## Chumpomatic (Mar 8, 2017)

nice little trickle truth you have going there. What you're doing is controlling the power in the relationship still by lies of omission. That is not remorse BTW. By the way you comment its hard to believe you're being serious in some of these comments. You cant control this anymore so stop trying to hold all the cards. The only thing its going to do is screw up your STBX wife's head. I use STBX because once her head catches up to her heart you're done. That's her choice though and not yours. You fired her from being your wife the second you slept with that woman. Give the power to her because that's what she deserves. She deserves to be able to make a rational decision about her life. Hell, if you want to make it right man up and show her this thread. Better yet bring her on here.


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## Chumpomatic (Mar 8, 2017)

"No, I'm angry because you are purposely trying to make me angry and make me seem worse than I am. I was wrong, I have faults just like you do. But I am not the worst person on this planet."

You are pretty bad though and people are seeing the real you in your comments. You would have a lot different reactions to this post if it went something remotely close to this:

I've been married X number of years. I met an old acquaintance at a conference and made her believe I was available. I have to tell my wife about my actions and how much I made a mistake and she doesn't deserve this. **a day passes** I told my wife the entire truth and answered all questions she had. I felt devastated by the pain I have caused her and the woman I slept with. I feel terrible for the hurt I cause and seeing the pain on her face is unbearable. With my wife present I sent the woman a message apologizing for my actions and how it was unfair to deceive her as well. I have also apologized to my friend for breaking a man code and sleeping with his XW. 

^^Something like this to me shows humility and remorse. What you're doing is blame shifting and trickle truthing so much that we are projecting that behavior back onto you and you don't like it. Man up already. If you want real results then come to this post with humility and stop playing the sad sausage


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

alexgunn said:


> No, I*'m angry because you are purposely trying to make me angry* . But I am not the worst person on this planet.


The first bold part is called projection dude! 

The second is your inner self speaking for ya! You may not like what your inner self is yelling right back at you. No one here said you were the worst person on this plante, no one but YOU that is.

A slip like that is worth checking into. But of course you won't because your outer self image would start chipping off.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

alexgunn said:


> Well I wouldn't know, I haven't gone through a divorce and I'm going to do everything to keep it that way. If she has hang ups that led to her getting hurt that is HER fault. Don't go sleeping around if your still hung up on your sexual abuse. Don't sleep with someone if you will be hurt if it turns into a ONS. I'm not a psychiatrist.


Do you live in a bubble? Are you under the impression that divorces are happy times, puppies and rainbows? If so, why bother fighting for your M? It ought to be a good time, right?

My point is that you know divorces are horrible events, you don't have to go through one. Just like I know that heart attacks are horrible events, and I've never had one. Or that being paralyzed is traumatic, even though I've never been and don't even know anyone who is. Use your thinking cap...

Stop with the DARVO. It's not going to get you anywhere. The way forward is to take complete responsibility, to stop blaming someone else for your actions and their consequences. There is no way backward. Whether or not you want to admit it, you burned your ship at the shore. 

Be a man, not a child.


----------



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

So not only did you betray your wife, by LYING to an unsuspecting woman that you were single, now you’re saying that your AP obviously isn’t a “good person” because she randomly slept with you and let you have “your way” with her. Abuse victims tend to “do more” in an effort to please because they don’t feel worthy of earning love the conventional ways. Letting you have your way with her probably led her to think that she was worthy of your time, attention, maybe affection someday. Abuse warps your mind like that. Congrats on making her mind even MORE warped. She probably feels pretty worthless as a human being, as a lot of abuse victims do, and then you sh*t on her even further by lying to her and then basically saying to her that she wasn’t worth anything because you already had a wife. Then you let your wife chew her out because she’s “not innocent” in this? 

WOW dude. Just WOW. I feel so incredibly bad for both of those women.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

alexgunn said:


> No, you are right it's not my decision in what my wife does. But it IS my decision to fight for her. To do whatever she wants so that she can trust me again. To do whatever it takes to not end in a courthouse erasing our marriage. It is my choice, and I am making that choice, to fight for my wife. I will do whatever she wants. She wants me to get a **** transplant so I have one that hasn't been in _that_ particular woman, than so be it.


I see you edited out the part at the end that I was going to respond to... the part where you said ~"that'll be pretty hard though because I'm sure she gets around" (roughly). Quite the peach saying that after



> Right before we had sex she told me that she hadn’t been intimate with anyone since her ex-husband.


I'm still going to respond to it. At the risk of being banned. (Not sure if it's too much. I don't think so) This behavior, and impugning the virtue of someone you have harmed, who you know has been terribly harmed by others, is a stain on your house and your honor. It reflects poorly not only on you, but those who raised you.


----------



## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Dr. Stupid said:


>


QFT! Especially since the updates.


----------



## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

Kivlor said:


> I see you edited out the part at the end that I was going to respond to... the part where you said ~"that'll be pretty hard though because I'm sure she gets around" (roughly). Quite the peach saying that after
> 
> 
> 
> I'm still going to respond to it. At the risk of being banned. (Not sure if it's too much. I don't think so) This behavior, and impugning the virtue of someone you have harmed, who you know has been terribly harmed by others, is a stain on your house and your honor. It reflects poorly not only on you, but those who raised you.




Can I just tthank this post 10 times please!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

alexgunn said:


> I'm not here to be your source of entertainment. Get a hobby or something. I came here because I didn't want to lose my wife or my friendships, but more importantly my wife. If anyone is trying to piss someone off it's everyone here trying to piss me off. And congrats, it worked.


You are a piece of work, dude.......You may just win our contest here for biggest a-hole of the year! Every time you open your mouth you get that much closer.......


----------



## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Chumpomatic said:


> "No, I'm angry because you are purposely trying to make me angry and make me seem worse than I am. I was wrong, I have faults just like you do. But I am not the worst person on this planet."
> 
> You are pretty bad though and people are seeing the real you in your comments. You would have a lot different reactions to this post if it went something remotely close to this:
> 
> ...


However, keep in mind, if he were to have posted as you have above, he would not have generated the flurry of posts and all the attention he has gotten in the last couple days. So it depends on what his true intent was, right?


----------



## Adiron (Mar 25, 2017)

Abc123wife said:


> However, keep in mind, if he were to have posted as you have above, he would not have generated the flurry of posts and all the attention he has gotten in the last couple days. So it depends on what his true intent was, right?


I don't think you're supposed to post that.


----------



## alexgunn (Mar 26, 2017)

stixx said:


> No one's asking you to get a face transplant.
> 
> What you need to be doing is much simpler, and it won't cost you anything.
> 
> It's called "Being completely honest with her".


That isn't the type of transplant I was talking about. Won't cost me anything? How about my marriage? My wife? My kids? My friends? Salary? Savings? House? Belongings? 



Chumpomatic said:


> nice little trickle truth you have going there. What you're doing is controlling the power in the relationship still by lies of omission. That is not remorse BTW. By the way you comment its hard to believe you're being serious in some of these comments. You cant control this anymore so stop trying to hold all the cards. The only thing its going to do is screw up your STBX wife's head. I use STBX because once her head catches up to her heart you're done. That's her choice though and not yours. You fired her from being your wife the second you slept with that woman. Give the power to her because that's what she deserves. She deserves to be able to make a rational decision about her life. Hell, if you want to make it right man up and show her this thread. Better yet bring her on here.


How is this trickle truth? That would be telling my wife that I DIDN'T cheat, then that I saw a woman, then that I liked the woman, then that I went to lunch with the woman, etc, etc. Until weeks, months, years later I fully admit to intercourse. If my wife wants to divorce me because I cheated, then knowing a couple lies I told are not going to change my mind. She has stopped messaging the other woman so it is not as if my wife continues to 'hurt' her. 

I'm not going to show her this thread, don't be ridiculous. Why would I self-sabotage in that way? All she would see is a bunch of comments from people who took it too far. 



Chumpomatic said:


> "No, I'm angry because you are purposely trying to make me angry and make me seem worse than I am. I was wrong, I have faults just like you do. But I am not the worst person on this planet."
> 
> You are pretty bad though and people are seeing the real you in your comments. You would have a lot different reactions to this post if it went something remotely close to this:
> 
> ...


When I made this post I felt differently than when I told my wife and friend. Things change when information is out in the open. Going back and changing my wording isn't going to fix anything now. You all think I'm the world's largest d-bag and a change of wording is not going to change that. I could show all the humility in the world and all that will result in is a bunch of people calling me out and saying I'm just doing it for show. 



Bibi1031 said:


> The first bold part is called projection dude!
> 
> The second is your inner self speaking for ya! You may not like what your inner self is yelling right back at you. No one here said you were the worst person on this plante, no one but YOU that is.
> 
> A slip like that is worth checking into. But of course you won't because your outer self image would start chipping off.


Of course I feel like ****. I cheated on my wife. 



LosingHim said:


> So not only did you betray your wife, by LYING to an unsuspecting woman that you were single, now you’re saying that your AP obviously isn’t a “good person” because she randomly slept with you and let you have “your way” with her. Abuse victims tend to “do more” in an effort to please because they don’t feel worthy of earning love the conventional ways. Letting you have your way with her probably led her to think that she was worthy of your time, attention, maybe affection someday. Abuse warps your mind like that. Congrats on making her mind even MORE warped. She probably feels pretty worthless as a human being, as a lot of abuse victims do, and then you sh*t on her even further by lying to her and then basically saying to her that she wasn’t worth anything because you already had a wife. Then you let your wife chew her out because she’s “not innocent” in this?
> 
> WOW dude. Just WOW. I feel so incredibly bad for both of those women.


Well then if she is so damaged that she is going to make the irresponsible decision to have unprotected oral and penetrative sex with someone she hardly knows, then she shouldn't be dating or having sex at all. Even if I was single and interested in her, having a first date with a woman and her allowing unprotected oral, unprotected penetration/anal would result in nothing other than a good time. I'd have no respect for her as a partner. If she is hurt because of choices that were made, maybe it will be a learning experience for her. 



Kivlor said:


> I see you edited out the part at the end that I was going to respond to... the part where you said ~"that'll be pretty hard though because I'm sure she gets around" (roughly). Quite the peach saying that after
> 
> I'm still going to respond to it. At the risk of being banned. (Not sure if it's too much. I don't think so) This behavior, and impugning the virtue of someone you have harmed, who you know has been terribly harmed by others, is a stain on your house and your honor. It reflects poorly not only on you, but those who raised you.


As you said, *I edited that part out*. I realized I shouldn't have said that and removed it. She _said_ that she had not been intimate with a man since her exhusband. I _said_ that I was divorced. Her actions, being easy basically, don't line up with the words she said. If she truly has been celibate for 6 years I somehow doubt she would have jumped right into the sex that we had. 

My behavior has nothing to do with my parents. 



Abc123wife said:


> However, keep in mind, if he were to have posted as you have above, he would not have generated the flurry of posts and all the attention he has gotten in the last couple days. So it depends on what his true intent was, right?


Right, because what I really wanted was a bunch of keyboard warriors purposely trying to piss me off rather than trying to save my sabotaged marriage. Congrats on deciphering the code *rolls eyes*.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Until you tell her everything, you're _still_ cheating on her.

If you were at all cut out for what it takes to TRULY reconcile in the face of your infidelity, you'd get that.

But you don't, so you're not.

Sooner or later, your wife is going to pick up on that.

Prepare yourself for a divorce.


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## mickybill (Nov 29, 2016)

alexgunn said:


> WTF is that?
> 
> How many "good people" sleep with strangers, unprotected and let said stranger "have their way with them"? Nil. I appreciate that she hasn't said anything to my wife but that doesn't speak anything of her, other than what I've always known which is she is shy as **** and doesn't like confrontation.


If she really is your best friends ex wife how is she guilty of sleeping with a stranger aka you?
At least that is what I gleaned from that comment the she is not a good person because she slept with a "stranger"


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

alexgunn said:


> WTF is that?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You're a millennial, aren't you?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

alexgunn said:


> Well then if she is so damaged that she is going to make the irresponsible decision to have unprotected oral and penetrative sex with someone she hardly knows, then she shouldn't be dating or having sex at all. Even if I was single and interested in her, having a first date with a woman and her allowing unprotected oral, unprotected penetration/anal would result in nothing other than a good time. I'd have no respect for her as a partner. If she is hurt because of choices that were made, maybe it will be a learning experience for her.


Now this is down right ‘funny’ in a very sad way.
You are a man who allowed “unprotected oral, unprotected penetration/anal” and you lied to her about being divorce, and you cheated on your wife. If we use your own measure here, what does that make you?


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> You're a millennial, aren't you?


 And/Or a politician.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

alexgunn said:


> Well then if she is so damaged that she is going to make the irresponsible decision to have unprotected oral and penetrative sex with someone she hardly knows, then she shouldn't be dating or having sex at all. Even if I was single and interested in her, having a first date with a woman and her allowing unprotected oral, unprotected penetration/anal would result in nothing other than a good time.


 You say that "she hardly knows" you and that it was "a first date" while forgetting that you already told us that you were a groomsman at her wedding, that you saw her all the time as her husband's best friend when she was married, and that you both flirted as you went out on a few lunch dates prior to you taking her out on the dinner date. You know her well and took her on multiple dates, so please try to stick to the facts as told by you. I have to admit that I like the way that you throw in such things as "unprotected oral and penetrative sex" and "unprotected oral, unprotected penetration/anal" every chance that you get.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> You're a millennial, aren't you?


:rofl::lol::rofl::lol: Thank you, that was my laugh of the day!

Seriously though, the ethical and moral immaturity the OP is revealing through his thought process is more in line with being a teenage boy.


----------



## Mrs.Sav (Mar 13, 2014)

Quote:
Originally Posted by alexgunn View Post
Well then if she is so damaged that she is going to make the irresponsible decision to have unprotected oral and penetrative sex with someone she hardly knows, then she shouldn't be dating or having sex at all. Even if I was single and interested in her, having a first date with a woman and her allowing unprotected oral, unprotected penetration/anal would result in nothing other than a good time. I'd have no respect for her as a partner. If she is hurt because of choices that were made, maybe it will be a learning experience for her.



EleGirl said:


> Now this is down right ‘funny’ in a very sad way.
> You are a man who allowed “unprotected oral, unprotected penetration/anal” and you lied to her about being divorce, and you cheated on your wife. If we use your own measure here, what does that make you?


Apparently, the rules don't apply to him. This thread has turned comical thanks to OP. Trying to instill reason in him results in going in circles. His replies have zero sanity and he is crystallizing the craziness within himself.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Heh heh,
I'm cancelling my cable, who needs it with all this entertainment?

She's a lying, promiscuous, husband-mistreating, dirty, home wrecking seductress. He's a poor, seduced, remorseful, clean, truth-trickling, irresistible, honorable man---- in his mind.

If this is for real, people are truly able to spin and reverse pretty much any horrible behavior they do in their twisted little minds.

I guess the dark side is tempting, eh Skywalker?


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## ScottishGirl1998 (Dec 19, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Now this is down right ‘funny’ in a very sad way.
> You are a man who allowed “unprotected oral, unprotected penetration/anal” and you lied to her about being divorce, and you cheated on your wife. If we use your own measure here, *what does that make you?*


I could offer a couple of suggestions, but don't want to get banned! :laugh:

That's akin to playing with knifes and stabbing someone then blaming them for not making you put a cover on the blade!! Ridiculous.


----------



## alexgunn (Mar 26, 2017)

GusPolinski said:


> Until you tell her everything, you're _still_ cheating on her.
> 
> If you were at all cut out for what it takes to TRULY reconcile in the face of your infidelity, you'd get that.
> 
> ...


I am NOT cheating on my wife. I do not want to overwhelm her with information that is a sure fire way to destroy our marriage. I am not trying to con her, I will tell her when the time is right. My wife will only contact me through text, even though we are in the same house. She randomly asks me questions wanting a very detailed answer. Whether or not I said I was married/divorce did not come up. If it does, I am not going to lie to her. I’m not giving her more information than she asks for, that will just torture her. She is asking what she needs to know. 



mickybill said:


> If she really is your best friends ex wife how is she guilty of sleeping with a stranger aka you?
> At least that is what I gleaned from that comment the she is not a good person because she slept with a "stranger"


We didn’t see or talk to each other in 6 YEARS! Just because she was married to my friend doesn’t mean we were close friends. I knew her, sure, but we were not buddy-buddy. It’s like seeing someone you had a few college classes with, then got out of contact and 6 years after graduation you see them again. Sure you know their face and their name, but they are basically a stranger. 



GusPolinski said:


> You're a millennial, aren't you?


Barely. 1980. 



EleGirl said:


> Now this is down right ‘funny’ in a very sad way.
> You are a man who allowed “unprotected oral, unprotected penetration/anal” and you lied to her about being divorce, and you cheated on your wife. If we use your own measure here, what does that make you?


Then the other woman is just as bad as I am, said from your own mouth. Or fingertips, if you will. Let’s stop pretending that I am the only person here who has made mistakes.


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Go back and read your first post! You at least sound human. Until you realize without full disclosure and owning, not blame sifting, you will not have a chance of recovering. Now, go back and reread you first post!



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

alexgunn said:


> I am NOT cheating on my wife. I do not want to overwhelm her with information that is a sure fire way to destroy our marriage. I am not trying to con her, I will tell her when the time is right. My wife will only contact me through text, even though we are in the same house. She randomly asks me questions wanting a very detailed answer. Whether or not I said I was married/divorce did not come up. If it does, I am not going to lie to her. I’m not giving her more information than she asks for, that will just torture her. She is asking what she needs to know.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Tricking a woman into having sex with you is not a mistake.

It is a calculated action undertaken in order to obtain for you some illicit carnal congress.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

alexgunn said:


> Let’s stop pretending that I am the only person here who has made mistakes.


She didn't do anything wrong, though. She slept with a man who claimed he was single and said he was no longer close with her ex. She does not owe her ex any loyalty. That's on you.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

alexgunn said:


> I am NOT cheating on my wife. I do not want to overwhelm her with information that is a sure fire way to destroy our marriage. I am not trying to con her, I will tell her when the time is right. My wife will only contact me through text, even though we are in the same house. She randomly asks me questions wanting a very detailed answer. Whether or not I said I was married/divorce did not come up. If it does, I am not going to lie to her. I’m not giving her more information than she asks for, that will just torture her. She is asking what she needs to know.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Nope.

You'll find out.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

alexgunn said:


> I am NOT cheating on my wife. I do not want to overwhelm her with information that is a sure fire way to destroy our marriage. I am not trying to con her, I will tell her when the time is right. My wife will only contact me through text, even though we are in the same house. She randomly asks me questions wanting a very detailed answer. Whether or not I said I was married/divorce did not come up. If it does, I am not going to lie to her. I’m not giving her more information than she asks for, that will just torture her. She is asking what she needs to know.
> 
> 
> 
> .


This is called trickle truthing.

Eta: I'm not sure if it will ever sink in with you, but you need to understand that you are not the decision-maker anymore. You resigned from that position the moment you dipped your Wick in the OW. I think it's really ballsy of you to put yourself in the seat of the decision maker. That is not your seat anymore.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@alexgunn What, exactly, did you mean when you wrote this:


> As the title suggests, this situation is a crap show.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

alexgunn said:


> EleGirl said:
> 
> 
> > Now this is down right ‘funny’ in a very sad way.
> ...


No, she is not just as bad a you. She did nothing wrong. She had sex with a guy told her that he was not married.

You on the other hand intentionally lied to her about being divorced, tricked her, and cheated on your wife. And now you continue to lie to your wife.

See, until you acknowledge the level of your thing you did, you will not be able to adequately deal with your failings that lead to you cheating. Which means that you will probably cheat again and probably do something similar to other women.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

alexgunn said:


> I am NOT cheating on my wife. I do not want to overwhelm her with information that is a sure fire way to destroy our marriage. I am not trying to con her, I will tell her when the time is right. My wife will only contact me through text, even though we are in the same house. She randomly asks me questions wanting a very detailed answer. Whether or not I said I was married/divorce did not come up. If it does, I am not going to lie to her. I’m not giving her more information than she asks for, that will just torture her. She is asking what she needs to know.


Have no doubt that at the gut level your wife knows that you are lying by both omission and outright. At this point she is tortured because she knows you well enough to know that you are now working a con on her.

This is what drives BS's crazy... the lying, the little games like lying by omission. The game of expecting her to ask the exact right question before you will give her that one detail. Believe me, most BSs can tell when this is happening.

It's probably the leading reason why BSs end up divorcing. 

It's better to just get it all out at one time. Get it over with. Instead what you are doing (and what most WS do) it to trickle truth and thus spread out the lying and the pain over weeks, months. And each time this happens, the BS's love for the WS die's a little bit more.

Your marriage is going to die because you do not have the fortitude to tell the truth.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Moderator Message:*

This thread is now closed.


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