# Husband chatting online..now what?



## Seashell sherry (Feb 24, 2013)

OK Here's the gist of it. We are a 50ish happliy married empty nester's with a great sex life, great husband, great jobs and a great life.. sooo I thought then I found out my husband of 27yrs was chatting with video sexually with women online when I was at work.. I have proof so when I casually confronted him he said he was embarrassed & sorry and wanted to forget the whole thing & about getting caught he also wanted me to forgive him which I did and of course promised to stop which I believe he has,when I confronted him I asked him if i wasn't enough for him or something was wrong with our sex life but he said it wasn't me ( I read fifty shades and acted out some of the scenes with him and still do) and he tells me he IS satisfied sexually but I still feel betrayed and even more so
when we are making love I can't help but think of him chatting
naked online with those women. How do i get over this!! I love my husband and don't like feeling this way but don't know what to do?? please help!!


----------



## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

tTell him or wrote him what you just wrote and ask him for some help getting past it. His reaction was actually pretty tame amd I respect it but you are entitled to some answers


----------



## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Were these video chats the sort of thing that you pay for, or were they with women that he has been conversing with online?

If the former then my view would be that it's really just glorified porn and I (personally) would find that easier to get over. If it was a more personal conversation I would find it harder.

Assuming it was the former "glorified porn" option, are you able to consider it the same as catching him masturbating to a dvd or magazine? And if so, would you have a problem with that? I think you need to clarify in your own mind exactly what you have the issue with before you can deal with it. In other words, do you think he had any emotional intimacy with these video women, which is a whole different issue to deal with (imo) than if it was a strictly porn issue?


----------



## Seashell sherry (Feb 24, 2013)

Thanks for the advice...and for climbing the walls I don't know 
what they were taking about? I just have a pic of her boobs and his penis. (he did not pay for chatting its just a live sex chat.. I don't mind him looking at porn but chatting with a real person I feel like its emotional intimacy cheating)....so I don't know what was said and almost afraid to ask, but I kinda want to know so I know I need some answers and hopefully he will answer them truthfully and then maybe I can't get over this.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Please read my story (link is in my signature). My husband started out doing exactly what your husband is doing. When he did so, was when he started cheating on me.

Your husband has to do several things now. First, his life must become a totally open book to you. You need to have access to his phone, computers, emails, bank accounts, EVERYthing. He doesn't get to keep ANYTHING secret any more. This is to prove to you that he is no longer indulging himself in this manner.

If he refuses to do so, kick him out. That will mean he has no intention of stopping.

Even if he does give you access, you may want to put a keylogger on his computer without him knowing so you can verify for yourself that he's actually doing what he says he is. Because sadly, most guys caught doing this do not stop. When confronted, they just go further underground.

He must also answer any and all questions you have. Over and over if you need him to. He does NOT get to just not talk about this any more. That's called RUGSWEEPING and NEVER works long term.

He also needs to figure out why he did what he did. He does NOT just get to say he won't do it any more. Something led him to this path - he made this choice for a reason, something is wrong in him to choose this. He needs to find out why. And if he blames it on you - again, kick him out. That's called gaslighting and must NOT be tolerated.

There's also a newbie link in my signature you should read. And head on over to the Coping with Infidelity section, because he IS cheating on you.

It takes 3-5 years to recover from infidelity, and that's only if the WS does everything they need to do. If your husband isn't willing to do what he needs to do, your marriage has no hope of succeeding - you will be miserable if you stay.


----------



## Anonymousx (Feb 25, 2013)

If he was using skype I believe there is a way to retrieve the conversation.
You might want to google a way to retrieve that conversation with whatever program he was using, just so you know the full truth when you do decide to ask him all the questions you feel you need to ask him. He may or may not lie. If he's anything like my husband he would have lied about it even though you had the proof right there.


----------



## Depressed and dazed (Dec 16, 2012)

Dear Seashell

Oh, how I feel for you.
My husband (of 9 months at the time) did the same thing. We were 48 when we married- no kids ( I had 3 in previous marriage- he none). I had a gut feeling and asked him SO many times what was was going on- of course he said nothing was going on, it was all in my imagination!! But my gut instinct was screaming at me! So i set a trap and caught him. He was having online sexual conversations on an adult site and masturabting afterward. I know this because I sneaked home form work and watched him thourgh the study window.

He denied it of course, until I gave him a blow by blow (if u pardon the pun) account of his antics that morning. Sprung!! He of course promised not to do that again- but, to cut a long story short- I have watched him, and set traps- and know he has been continuing on. What i did of course was to drive the behaviour underground.

this was so insulting to me on so many levels. The lies, the headspins, he said i imagined all of this "all in my head'. Of course, deny, divert and just get angry- thats what he does when cornered.

I would understand if i was uninterested in sex, or ugly, or overiweht, or boring. None of the above apply. Yet he turns me down to masturbate instead. 

Over one year on now, he is simply more careful, but not clever enough to hide the evidence from me. I am saving money- and will leave him at the end of the year. I have lost self esteem, wiehgt, sleep and my verve for life over this man- no more. they do not change seashell- they just try to hide it more.

Online chatting is interactive wiht another human being and therefore, in my mind, CHEATING!! No room for error here. this man is not worthy of me and I deserve better. 

I wish you luck dear girl- it is not easy, especially as we get older. The idea of starting again is awful- but not as bad as living with a liar!! x


----------



## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

I know you have a burning desire for details but careful how much details you get concerning the sexual acts because its just more you have to forget. They will be like little videos that are stuck in your head that play over and over. I didn't heed this advice all that well 10 yrs ago and it was a long time befor I got past the mental images.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Rakkasan (Mar 4, 2013)

Here is my experience in this matter. I had a subordinate that was addicted to this kind of stuff. His wife tried to help him with his addiction, she basically took away all his credit cards. So what this guy did? He stole the credit card number from his subordinate, from the person he was supposed to lead, to be a role model to, and continued to feed his addiction for another year on some else's dime.


----------

