# ???The Characteristics of a "Good Husband"???



## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

In a current thread that I started called "Almost at a Breaking Point" I discussed some of my issues with my marriage. I have been seeing some posts by other guys that seem to do some pretty nice things for their wives. I got married young and fast, so I don't really know what's normal and what's not. I would love to hear insight on what a husband should do to make his wife happy and make his marriage work. I don't feel that I am getting what I need from my husband (of course hitting is never great), so I'd like to hear from some guys about what "normal" is. Another question is...is it normal for him to want to know every little detail about my prior sexual experiences BEFORE I met him, and to want me to tell details during our private moments, almost every time for 11 years???:scratchhead: I certainly would appreciate any info you could give me! Thanks so much! Take Care, and God Bless!


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## Calypso (May 11, 2009)

My H ask me to give him a list of what a good husband is or what I wanted from him. I jotted down a few things he says he looks at it from time to time. 
I wouldn't think him asking you is healthy for your relationship. What you did before him has nothing to do with your current relationship. My H hasn't ask and doesn't care to know. Just like I don't want to know about his former ones. Is he insecure in your relationship? I mean after 11 years why does he want to drag up old details in your private moments?


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

your list is remarkably heartening

honesty, faithfulness, respectfulness, oh my yes

but

i'd put humor much higher on the list.
:corkysm60::smcowboy::crazy::woohoo:


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

I would add pays attention to the little things  - like when my husband brings home chocolate milk or a candy bar I like just because. Sometimes that stuff means more than the fancy jewlery 


As for your other question about wanting to know sexual details...some guys are turned on by that and he appears to be one and thinks you will be too. It is something to discuss with him if it makes you uncomfortable for him to relive his past exploits and wants you to relive yours as well.


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

I do like that list. So, what do I have to do in order to get that from him? I try to be a good wife! I stay at home with the kids, take care of him, the kids, and the house, and yet I get disrespect, and abuse.

He does get into my past, but I get kind of irritated by it and it grosses me out sometimes. He never relives his, because I could care less. I don't want to know. It just doesn't seem right or normal to me.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Just read your other post.....I don't think there is anything you can do to get this from THIS man. He's abusive and without extensive anger management counseling for him, marriage counseling for you both and maybe even family counseling for the kids if they have seen even a fraction of what you've been through. 

I don't think you convince a man to do these things....a good one just does - that's how you know he's a keeper to begin with. I would honestly tell you to leave and find that man for you - he is out there.


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

Thanks TNgirl! I wish I could just "get out"! I can't though, because I can't support my kids on my own. He will fight like hell to take my kids away from me, and has told me so since the first year of marriage. Not too sure what to do!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

:iagree:


alaflybaby said:


> I got married young and fast, so I don't really know what's normal and what's not.


After reading your other post, verbal, physical and emotional abuse is definitely not normal. If you are experiencing that, get out...he has little to no chance of doing the things in Calypso's list, which is normal in a loving marriage.

If you are not ready to leave now, if possible (and safe for you) get a voice recorder and record his verbal abuse and document date/time/abusive things he says and does.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

just saw your last post...would your parents help you? If they knew your situation would they let you and the kids stay with them until you get on your feet? A lawyer could help you understand your options...if you can get temporary custody, move them out of state or not, get temporary child support, etc.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

And so you know, his work, level of education do not put him in a better position to retain custody. You are actually in a better position, being a stay at home mom....he likely would be required to pay alimony in addition to child support.


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

swedish, you are right! I do need to document these things. I usually forget in the heat of the moment. He is suppose to be calling a counselor to get us an appointment. He got mad at me because he says I wouldn't do it, but now when he says he'll do it, he isn't. Before we met with our pastor he told me that he wanted me to talk to the pastor first to give me the upper hand to begin with because he knew the pastor would side with him (which our pastor does NOT). Every time we argue he e-mails the pastor to tell him all the wrong things I'm doing or saying and my pastor ignores it because he isn't going to answer as long as my husband is just playing the blame game. My hubby gets irritated by that. I usually just end up walking on egg shells around here.


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

I did see in the SC alimony laws, they do weigh HEAVILY in MY favor. Because I was fresh out of high school almost when we married yet he already had a degree and career, and because I haven't worked since we married, therefore don't have much employment history, and I am a stay-at-home mom, and am the main caretaker for the kids.


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

WOW, i fit that list and my wife still cheated... Hmmm guess the requirements are different for some one with MPD....

you will not loose your children, finacials are easily transfered through means of child support and all you would need to do is mention the abuse and have soem one in your family back you... they would investigate your claim and i am sure he would show his darker side when they pushed (they all do) all you need to do is be honest with them. the worst they might do is place the children in some one elses care while they sort it out and if you have a family member who is impartial and in a good home... they may just send them their.


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

He is VERY good about hiding his TRUE self from everyone. My pastor knows about one abuse incident. He didn't see the bruises but I called him immediately after it happened. I had one neighbor that DID see the bruises. I might be able to get the school board to say that he is verbally abusive to them. He was banned from the Elementary school grounds for being obnoxious. He will get a misdemeanor if he walks back on there without an escort. That's how he is.


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

wow.... you have nothing to worry about  any half ass lawyer could get you full custody and, if you wanted to push, probably even supervised visits only.. not to mention a good size chunk of child support and perhaps even alimony.


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

Okay, you need to get in touch with a battered womans shelter immediately. Here is a link to some I googled, tried to find SC locations but not sure where you live. At any rate, get out now and get some help. He WILL have to provide you support. You will NOT lose your kids either. Any judge will award you custody in a heart beat if there isn't chemical dependancy problems with the spouse attempting to get custody.

Do yourself a favor and get out. I still remember to this day what my father did to my mother when I was 7. I can still remember all the blood in the bathroom and personally as a guy, I would kick any mans a$$ for laying a finger on a woman. Do yourself and your kids a favor and protect your family unit, minus the POS that is abusing you.

I wish you luck and these gals who are posting on here have amazing advise to listen to.

Women's Shelters Located in
WOMEN'S HOMELESS SHELTERS
Woman's Shelter - Columbia, SC, 29203 - Citysearch


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

He always comes up with things that I think he would use against me. I do not, nor have I ever in my life, used drugs. I don't even smoke cause I think it's nasty, but I have drank, and think the occasional alcoholic beverage is okay. I think that he would use that. Also, I have recently started going out for ladies night (never did that til I turned 30, I was the perfect little stay at home and be perfect little homemaker). We usually will go out to eat, and then go hear music, or sing karaoke (I'm a singer). We will stay out late, but he tells me to go and have fun. Of course, I use to sing Southern Gospel with my mom and we sang on the road so we'd be gone some weekends. That wasn't okay though! I'm not getting it. However, he has just recently taken up hunting. I asked him not to go the other night because we were gonna have company, he gets upset with me for asking him not to go and goes anyways. Like he had an appointment. He also uses the fact that I don't keep a perfect house against me, but he doesn't clean up the yard or clean up after himself or the kids. I do it all. My neighbors, friends, and family (including his own) sees that he doesn't help me out at all. He'll try to use the strewn house against me. He calls me selfish all the time because I do treat myself with clothing items or makeup or buy things for the HOUSE occasionally. This is why I'm scared, he constantly throws things up in my face that are negative that I do. He also has yet to admit to the physical abuse. After the last incident where he bruised my arm, he said that he was sorry that "WE" let it go too far. I don't know that the abuse will hold up because I didn't report it, and because he never bloodies me up or anything. He just punches my arm or slaps me across the face. One time he drug me down the hall by my arm because I wouldn't answer him. He does get belligerent when he gets angry. The last time we argued, I told him I was done with it (meaning the conversation) and he stated that he sometimes wishes I was done (meaning with the marriage). I guess I'm just scared to do anything. Ya know? Scared of losing my kids or that I can't support them. That's what it all comes down to. Also, I have been with him my whole adult life. I went from mom and dad's house to his, and it scares me to be on my own.


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

By the way, I am close to Columbia! Thanks for the resource info New Beginnings.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

You say he gets on the computer and logs everything after an argument. I am pretty sure he is presenting this in a way that makes him look like the victim. Please, at minimum, record date/time/events (even if it's scribbled on paper)...so there are 2 sides to the story. It really sounds as though he is quite crafty at covering his behind should you finally get the courage to get out.

The negative things he throws up is his way of instilling the fear in you that you have no chance if you leave. He probably also documents when you go out...so if he says 'go and have fun' write that down...date/time/comment...keep your ducks in a row.


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

I actually should e-mail him about it, and get his response in e-mail form. I could actually post some of our past e-mails here for you all to see so you can see how he talks to me. When we argue he ends up going to e-mail form after it gets bad and that is the only way he will talk to me. I have TONS of those recorded in my e-mail. In a new account that he doesn't know about. I'll try to post some tonight and you can tell me if it sounds as bad to you as it does to me. He covers his behind EXTREMELY well. When he divorced the first time, he tried to get the father of his step kids to take custody of them because he said his ex was a bad mother. The father told him he was crazy and that she was an AWESOME mother. And she really is. She's a wonderful person. That's how I know he'd do WHATEVER it took to get the kids from me. He's capable of a lot. The two words that best fit his description is "loose cannon" and that was my neighbors description not mine. But it fits him!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

just be safe and remain anonymous in here if possible...but definitely keep those emails in a secure place.


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

It may take a little time, but I am going to do what I can to get out of this sham of a marriage. That's why I am talking to my pastor Tuesday! Just pray for me if you believe in prayer! I may need it.


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

you have my prayers. and i am sure the prayers of many others. i hope your pastor can help you.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

You will be in my prayers. I am so glad you have your pastor to talk to. It will be important for you to have a safe exit plan prior to him knowing anything. He sounds very unpredictable when things don't go his way so make sure your pastor (and/or friends, family) are in the loop once you take action.


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

I plan on telling family, close friends, church members, and my pastor (the ones I can trust to keep it quiet). I can't risk him finding out and being a step ahead. Thanks so much for all the prayers everyone! They are much appreciated!


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

i would start with your pastor and most trustworthy family... some times even your best friends can burn you (trust me i know) the rest you can get in touch with after you're safe.

best wishes and still praying


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Why not get a part time job. Start making yourself more independent. You talk about yourself like a victim. I can't do this because, I can't do that because. 





alaflybaby said:


> I did see in the SC alimony laws, they do weigh HEAVILY in MY favor. Because I was fresh out of high school almost when we married yet he already had a degree and career, and because I haven't worked since we married, therefore don't have much employment history, and I am a stay-at-home mom, and am the main caretaker for the kids.


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

MEM, I am trying to stay available for my kids. I have an Autistic son, and need to be there for him at times. He needs to be taken to Speech Therapy, Occupational Therapy, etc. So, I really can't be out of pocket. Right now I am working on taking some web design courses through the local tech college. That is a big area of interest for me, and I already know the basics and have built a few in the past. So, I am hoping I can find something like that or maybe Medical Transcription that I can do at home.

I am not trying to play the whiny victim, but I am stuck. He will fight tooth and nail and do whatever it takes to get these kids from me, and I can't let that happen. So I have to play my cards right. It seems easy enough for someone that isn't in my situation to just say suck it up and leave, but you don't know my husband and the lengths he'll take. You also don't know how good he is at hiding what a horrible person he can be.


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

Hoping, Thanks so much for the prayers. I really do appreciate it!


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

any time.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

There is one characteritic of a good husband or wife, and without it, you do not have a good marriage or relationship. That is RESPECT. Everythhing else is bult upon that, like trust.

There are some people who try to build relationships and even marriage on things like sexual attraction/ lust, but those never work out in the long run because the basic foundations were not put into place. When this happens, easy come, easy go mentality comes into play. 
People like this just keep switching partners for years until for some reason they can't anymore.

Without true respect and trust, nothing else matters.


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