# Trust issues since before marriage



## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

As my brain continues to purge all of my thoughts from the last seven years of marriage, I'm realizing that my wife's most recent affair shouldn't surprise me at all. 

I knew she was hooking up with a guy before we got engaged, yet I got down on my knee and proposed to her. I was cleaning out the kitchen garbage while we were engaged and found a condom in the trash (we never throw them in the kitchen trash), yet after asking my brother if he banged his wife when they were at my place the week before (they didn't), I buried the issue.

What the hell is wrong with me accepting that bullsh!t when I knew it was going on? 

Our marriage has been 'perfect' (ugh). No fighting, affectionate, we are romantic, plan surprises, and a lot of our friends consider us to have had a fairy tale marriage. And yet I entered this knowing my wife was cheating on me.

Now with her recent EA/PA affair, pandora's box is open, and I'm now dealing with everything from the last 10 years. I know it's not totally fair to punish her for the previous stuff considering I proposed to her, but I'm starting to think it's going to be extremely difficult to move on together.

Even if this is her changing point where she ends her cheating ways, I'm only now accepting that the last 10 years of my life with her were lies. And it hurts.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lovestruckout said:


> As my brain continues to purge all of my thoughts from the last seven years of marriage, I'm realizing that my wife's most recent affair shouldn't surprise me at all.
> 
> I knew she was hooking up with a guy before we got engaged, yet I got down on my knee and proposed to her. I was cleaning out the kitchen garbage while we were engaged and found a condom in the trash (we never throw them in the kitchen trash), yet after asking my brother if he banged his wife when they were at my place the week before (they didn't), I buried the issue.
> 
> ...


If you do not have children you need to move on and find someone else. Just my opinion. You need to work on yourself. No one will have respect for you if you do not respect yourself.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

See the thread I started on "I feel so stupid". Did you ask her questions and give her space to change during these years? If so then you were willing to allow her the process of adjusting to marriage and relationship at her own speed, and she did not. You reached your natural limits. Some people are more accommodating than others, some people take longer to see things they don't want to see because they aren't ready to see them yet. If you enjoyed the relationship with her for the reasons you stated then at some point you stopped enjoying it, it doesn't mean you shouldn't have enjoyed it while you were experiencing it. Who you are today is not who you were in those years, the relationship did not evolve according to what you put into it, you see that now and if you move on it is what you are doing now not what you should have done in the place, shoulda woulda coulda style. In any case, that is all water under the bridge.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

So are you ready to pull your balls that you've tucked between you legs for 10 years?

Or are you just gonna keep them tucked away nice and as long as she's happy doing whatever then you're happy?


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## ArabianKnight (Jul 24, 2011)

you need to face the truth even after 10 years. 
she may be was happy with you because she was getting her physically from other men.
therefore, may be if you did forgive her, she either going to stay the same or you guys will be in fights all the time since no more attention from outside any more, or you going to be depressed knowing more than 2 dudes been doing your wife for the past 10 years while you are working hard for the family. 
you have to face the reality you are hiding your self from for the past 10 years, she is not good for you and will never ever change, she had 10 years time to change herself.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm guilty of not standing up for myself in previous situations, but I'm not selfish and for the sake of my kids I'm willing to put my happiness in the back seat for a little while to see if we can come to terms with this mess. To me, 6-12 months of trying is not a life time. . . but I will not stay in a hollow relationship for 20 more years. 

Post-nup retainer has already been deposited and that is non-negotiable, and wife accepts that she needs to live with that, while I live with her infidelities.


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