# Reconciliation with BPD H a Total Right Off!! sorry for LP



## MmHo (Mar 29, 2012)

Me and My BPD H separated 8months ago after I could not take his abusive behaviour any longer. We married in late 2009 after knowing each other just about 2years. He was a widower(12yrs).
Said he was a Christian, family man, faithful, and decent guy.
Retired at the top of his profession and was extremely well thought of at work.
He did forget to mention that he was Alcohol Dependent and Borderline Personality at this point I won't find out about the seriousness of it until many months later.
Within 2months of the wedding he tells me he is not happy, that I am not making him happy!:scratchhead:
I did not say too much as I thought he was stressed out and did not make a big deal about it, but deep down I was anxious.
We(well he) had a great sex life(don't want to sound bigheaded) he would lie there paralysed in ecstacy(his words) so could do very little for me. So no problems for him to complain about there and to be honest I was too tired to bother once I had finished with him...:sleeping: :rofl:
We started a business together(my career for 30years was in a manufacturing business background)... So no problem to me!
He worked in Local Government had had no idea about private enterprise... so my experience got the business off the ground.
Then he wants to sell the house he has been in for *40years and looked like something out of the 70's.
So my hobbies are DIY, and Interior Design. It takes us 6 months to transform the house and increases the value by £45000 pounds sterling!! He says I'll leave you to it you know what you're doing!!
He has never sold a house before....I'll leave you to it you know what you're doing! I sell the house, do all the legwork, phone work, solicitors, etc and we also find a Bungalow with a lovely view for us both to live in...I did the house purchase...You know what you're doing..blah,blah 
I was very happy, he was happy or so I thought.:scratchhead:
He did throw a few tantrums along the way but all in all I thought we had done pretty well between us to get a house that was mortgage free paid for from the sale of his house.
Then we move into the new house and this is when the real BPD person comes out.
I cannot do anything right, don't know how to say please and thankyou properly, don't know when to keep my mouth shut.... well his violent temper comes at me within seconds about the slightest thing... not filling dishwasher right making too many pans of soup He said he loved soup!! I probably made 4 pans in 4 months if that!
Anyways, things get a lot worse, he locks me off the business computer and mobile. Locks me out the house. Does not want me in the room while he is on the phone cos it reminds him of his late wife who was really jealous. Does not want me in the main living while he is working as I am distracting him. I am not allowed access to bank accounts.
His screaming rages are nothing like I have seen before and it was so bad I actually wet myself(sorry for being so graphic).
Now I am becoming really confused, anxious and scared.
I speak to his daughter(a doctor), she tells me he has always been very difficult to live with(NOW SHE TELLS ME)...."get the book called Walking on Eggshells..Living with a Borderline Personality".... Oh Dear now I understand what is going on!
We are now in early 2011 and he told me to get out of the house dozens of times, violent rages, silent treatment, going out all day, switching his business mobile off and basically being a major pain in the backside!!
But the crazy making thing was the yo-yo-ing from being really nice to being absolutely vile(within seconds he would change his mood over the slightest thing) 
Eventually after many more months of this and by now I am having a major relapse of a serious health problem, I told him I was leaving.
Got myself a house, moved out in 3weeks....what a relief!
By this time I am a complete and utter emotional wreck. For the first time in my life I have to have counselling(still am).
Late 2011 he wants to reconcile, wants me back can't live without me.
I said I would only come back if he had therapy/counselling for anger management/alcohol dependence. I was prepared to go to
MC on my own first, if he got some counselling/therapy then we would go to MC together.
As of today I have done my side of the bargain. He had 2 sessions for him over the past 2 weeks and has cancelled the rest.
He told me last week that he does not want to do MC together as it would do neither of us any good.
He has apologised for his EA he was having from October2011 till recently with ex gf and wants us to move on.
I saw him 2days ago and once again he lost his vile temper over a simple thing that was nothing to do with me, but I was there and got the full force.
I said that was the last time he would ever, ever do that to me and he said "GOOD".
I have changed my mobile number today. I have disconnected my landline and now I am doing NC.
I want to find the strength to get to the solicitor within the next week to start divorce proceedings.
I pray to God I can make it there and go through with it.
Thank you for reading this.
I know there are so many of you good people out there in similar situations to mine and thank God I found this site:smthumbup:*


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## thankfulone (Apr 9, 2012)

MmHo said:


> Me and My BPD H separated 8months ago after I could not take his abusive behaviour any longer. We married in late 2009 after knowing each other just about 2years. He was a widower(12yrs).
> Said he was a Christian, family man, faithful, and decent guy.
> Retired at the top of his profession and was extremely well thought of at work.
> He did forget to mention that he was Alcohol Dependent and Borderline Personality at this point I won't find out about the seriousness of it until many months later.
> ...


*

I am not one to say to walk away easily but in this case, I would say for your health and sanity - RUN not WALK away! But first, is he on medication? If so, does he take it regularly? Does it need adjustment? If the meds issue has not been addressed, then that may be the only saving grace for your relationship for him. If it has been addressed, and he is still acting like that, then, you may need to reassess your life without him.*


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## MmHo (Mar 29, 2012)

thankfulone said:


> I am not one to say to walk away easily but in this case, I would say for your health and sanity - RUN not WALK away! But first, is he on medication? If so, does he take it regularly? Does it need adjustment? If the meds issue has not been addressed, then that may be the only saving grace for your relationship for him. If it has been addressed, and he is still acting like that, then, you may need to reassess your life without him.


Thankfulone. Thankyou for your insight. Unfortunately he will not take any medication, or even see a doctor. He knows what the problem is but refuses point blank to be "drugged up"...his words.
The alcohol is his drug...he calls it "self medicating". His own daughter who is a doctor left the country as did her brother many years ago because they needed to be away from his unstable behaviour. So I am left with little option but to leave.


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## thankfulone (Apr 9, 2012)

MmHo said:


> Thankfulone. Thankyou for your insight. Unfortunately he will not take any medication, or even see a doctor. He knows what the problem is but refuses point blank to be "drugged up"...his words.
> The alcohol is his drug...he calls it "self medicating". His own daughter who is a doctor left the country as did her brother many years ago because they needed to be away from his unstable behaviour. So I am left with little option but to leave.


WOW, his family left the country? Damn..well, that's it right there. I know you can't cut off the love you have for him in a snap of the finger but you have put up with sooo much. Keep coming back to this site for encouragement. I too thank GOD for this place to gain insight.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Do not reconcile if the problem has not been solved. You left him because he was behaving intolerably. Until he changes, don't take him back. If you get tired of waiting, get a divorce. Things will only get *worse* if you go back before this is resolved because then you've validated his perspective that "you're overreacting" to his behavior and so he will do more of it because he knows it will scare you into submission. Be strong. Until he shows change, do not reconcile.


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## MmHo (Mar 29, 2012)

Hi Everyone
Thank you for posting. Just a quick update to let you know I have a solicitor(lawyer) appointment tomorrow afternoon to start the divorce proceedings. I am dreading doing this but have no choice now.
I hope I can be strong enough to go through with it!
Than you for all your advice it is very much appreciated.


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