# Married 20 years and never orgasmed with husband



## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

As the title says, I've been married almost 20 years and never had an orgasm with husband. I am capable of an orgasm on my own with a vibrator or other methods, but never with husband. I even tried using a vibrator during sex, but no go. 

I never have felt the rush of passion or lust with my husband. Never felt emotionally close to him or connected during sex. It's always more of a means for physical release. He used to try different things to help get me there, but after a while, I think we both just got discouraged and gave up. Now, when we do have sex (once a month at most), it's an unspoken assumption that I will not orgasm, so why try? Sex is boring, dull, and unsatisfying. It's very limited because of his weight as well (as discussed in my other thread). 

I do have a sex drive. I really want sex, but not with husband who gave up on my satisfaction years ago and who has let himself gain 120 lbs which has severely affected our sex life. 

Anyone have experience with different people with whom some you could orgasm and some you just couldn't? Is it about sexual chemistry, which my H and I clearly don't have? Really interested in your insight.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Why would you ever sleep with someone in the first place that you've never felt the rush of passion or lust with?


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

We were high school sweethearts. So while sex was fun and for the most part enjoyable, I never felt an adult-like passion for him. Being so inexperienced, I had nothing to compare to. I figured as I got older, we'd mature and develop a real sexual connection. We've never achieved that. There are definitely long-standing issues in our marriage, the biggest of which, IMO, is that my husband has been emotionally neglectful of me. I'm positive that this has a huge negative impact on our sex life. But, I'm just wondering what other people's experience has been with sexual chemistry and ability or inability to achieve orgasm.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> I figured as I got older, we'd mature and develop a real sexual connection.


Sexual chemistry is either there or it isn't. 

For the record I've only slept with a handful of men. I've been able to orgasm with all but one (he was too big for me). I had sexual chemistry, lust and adult passion with all of them. I lost my virginity at the age of 18 so I wasn't in high school when I started having sex.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I wonder if attaining a sexual desire for each other is something an experienced sex therapist could help with in your case? I can't speak from experience though as I don't really know exactly what those professionals do, just something I've heard of on these forums.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

But the 102 pounds would kill it for me. I have a weight limit and its about 30-40 pounds TOPS. That is a serious turn off.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> But the 102 pounds would kill it for me. I have a weight limit and its about 30-40 pounds TOPS. That is a serious turn off.


This is precisely the subject of my other thread "Husband has gained 100+ lbs" in this subforum.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> As the title says, I've been married almost 20 years and never had an orgasm with husband. I am capable of an orgasm on my own with a vibrator or other methods, but never with husband. I even tried using a vibrator during sex, but no go.
> 
> I never have felt the rush of passion or lust with my husband. Never felt emotionally close to him or connected during sex. It's always more of a means for physical release. He used to try different things to help get me there, but after a while, I think we both just got discouraged and gave up. Now, when we do have sex (once a month at most), it's an unspoken assumption that I will not orgasm, so why try? Sex is boring, dull, and unsatisfying. It's very limited because of his weight as well (as discussed in my other thread).
> 
> ...


My wife orgasmed in the first 20 minutes...And continued to do so thousands of times over the next 46 years...

I just cannot immagine someone not having orgasms with their spouce....


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> My wife orgasmed in the first 20 minutes...And continued to do so thousands of times over the next 46 years...
> 
> I just cannot immagine someone not having orgasms with their spouce....


Perhaps I'm at my "sexual peak" (late 30s), but right now, the thought of living the rest of my life in a sexually unfulfilling marriage makes me very restless. I know sex isn't everything, but I wonder how my life would be different if my sex life was satisfying and fulfilling.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My best friend was never sexually into her husband of 10 years. She finally got up the nerve to divorce him. She's now with a man who rocks her world and she laughs at me now. She never understood why I loved sex so much and now she does.

I'm in the camp of life is too short to settle. I can't imagine going my whole life never having experienced mind blowing sex.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> My best friend was never sexually into her husband of 10 years. She finally got up the nerve to divorce him. She's now with a man who rocks her world and she laughs at me now. She never understood why I loved sex so much and now she does.
> 
> I'm in the camp of life is too short to settle. I can't imagine going my whole life never having experienced mind blowing sex.


I can't imagine what mind-blowing sex feels like. Today I'm finding myself immensely sad that I'm realizing so much of what I prided myself on being "loyal" to has actually been settling. I feel so alive and wanting to enjoy life, but I can't seem to let myself out of this cage I've allowed myself to be trapped in. Ultimately, I think that for me to find the happiness and fulfillment I want and deserve, it means divorcing my husband. I just can't reconcile the fact that my happiness means destroying my husband's. But I can't bear the thought of wasting more years living this way either. I'm in a very, very difficult place right now. The only hope I have is that my counseling will help me find some peace...and soon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

It took several years before my friend got up the nerve to leave.

And he's not nearly as crushed as she thought he would be.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

if it was just the sex problem, i'd think there should be a way to work it out, but you said that he's emotionally neglectful, too, and that speaks volumes more than the sex part, though the sex part is significant. it sounds like you are still young. too young to accept that the rest of your life will be mediocre at best.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

IslandGirl3 said:


> if it was just the sex problem, i'd think there should be a way to work it out, but you said that he's emotionally neglectful, too, and that speaks volumes more than the sex part, though the sex part is significant. it sounds like you are still young. too young to accept that the rest of your life will be mediocre at best.


I'm 38, he's 41. We married when I was 19. And no, we didn't marry because we "had to". Our one and only child came 4 years later.

As my user name indicates, I'm finally waking up to life and cannot accept the idea of living the next 20 years of marriage the way the first almost 20 have. I'm feeling like its now or never - if I don't act to get my needs met very soon, I'll lull myself back into complacency and grow to be a bitter old woman.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Putting yourself as #1 priority is the right thing, because you only get one shot at life, and truly nobody else can ever do that for you.

However, it was possible for you to wake up to life... what if you find that he wakes up to life also? How long will you wait is the question?

Most importantly, when you make your decision, follow through, but I'd implore anybody who ever takes the decision to leave the marriage to keep looking back for a good year or two, because I guarantee for most men who are left, it shakes them up to the core, and will awaken parts that are hibernated.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

I think it would only be fair to him to give him the chance to "wake up" before I leave. But communication in our marriage is awful. Anything beyond the normal, superficial daily life stuff is so difficult to talk about without him getting defensive, placing blame, pouting, telling me I shouldn't feel a certain way, etc. On a superficial level, we appear to get along well. I've made a terrible mistake by always internalizing my feelings and putting on a smiling face just to avoid the pain of the above described behavior. 

So...he buries his head in the sand and pretends everything is ok with me until he truly believes everything is ok with me. I feel very alone emotionally. If I were to just come out and say I'm not happy, and haven't been happy for a long time, he'd act like I dropped a nuclear bomb on him and blame me for not telling him sooner. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. I have a feeling there's not going to be a way around dropping that bomb sooner or later. I can't keep suffering in silence forever.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

The fact that he's gained 100 pounds tells me he isn't happy either.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

For sure he's not happy with life in general. But he has the pessimistic attitude about things that life has dealt him an unfair hand, so "it is what it is", and really only has the capacity to try to deal with things as they are. He gets stuck in his comfort zones, he hates change, so instead of doing something radical to make his life happier, his energy is spent on merely coping. And his way of coping is to bury his head in the sand and lead a reactive life, not a proactive one.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Start with MC, even if you have to go alone. MC is one way to start that change that is so essential to your mental well being.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offence, but if you haven't orgasmed with your husband in 20 years, it's not just on him. Have you talked to your husband about what you need to orgasm? I know you've said he gained weight, but he still has fingers and a tongue... If you can't communicate with your partner about your needs, you'll risk moving from one bad sexual relationship to another.

C


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

PBear said:


> No offence, but if you haven't orgasmed with your husband in 20 years, it's not just on him. Have you talked to your husband about what you need to orgasm? I know you've said he gained weight, but he still has fingers and a tongue... If you can't communicate with your partner about your needs, you'll risk moving from one bad sexual relationship to another.
> 
> C


You are correct about that, and no offense taken. As I said, communication in our marriage is a problem. I agree I am also partly responsible for not trying harder to communicate my sexual needs to him. In the beginning, we did try harder to find what would work to get me to orgasm. But after a few years, he began to get frustrated and (as with most other issues) he took it personally that I couldn't climax with him. He started acting let down, like he wasn't good enough to please me, even though I never said that or acted upset about it. The guilt trips became frequent, and then the problem (as with most other issues again) became all about how it made HIM feel. So I just kind of gave up trying. But...back to my main question, if sexual chemistry is right, would we still have had to work at it that hard? Or maybe we're just sexually incompatible. I'm at a loss for clarity right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Michael A. Brown (Oct 16, 2012)

Why not ask your husband to try to explore during sex? Maybe it could help.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Waking up to life said:


> You are correct about that, and no offense taken. As I said, communication in our marriage is a problem. I agree I am also partly responsible for not trying harder to communicate my sexual needs to him. In the beginning, we did try harder to find what would work to get me to orgasm. But after a few years, he began to get frustrated and (as with most other issues) he took it personally that I couldn't climax with him. He started acting let down, like he wasn't good enough to please me, even though I never said that or acted upset about it. The guilt trips became frequent, and then the problem (as with most other issues again) became all about how it made HIM feel. So I just kind of gave up trying. But...back to my main question, if sexual chemistry is right, would we still have had to work at it that hard? Or maybe we're just sexually incompatible. I'm at a loss for clarity right now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't know about being sexually incompatible... My GF doesn't orgasm through intercourse. She's done it like less than 5 times in the almost two years we've been seeing each other. But I do make sure she gets off other ways, most often orally. Or if she wants to get off during intercourse, we use a small vibrator, and she takes care of herself then. I don't take that as a comment on my abilities as a lover or anything; I just enjoy the ride. . 

Have you guys considered a sex therapist?

C


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