# Wife on the edge please help



## iron14

I need advice. A couple weeks ago my wife said she is considering a divorce we have been together for 14 years and married almost 10. I admit I blow up about stupid things. And in the past told her I would get help but never did. She showed me she actually had an exit strategy planned out. Go live with a friend and what days I would see our kids 3 and 7. I never got help because things seemed better and I had no pressure on me. But these time I was able to put myself in her shoes and I cracked. I work the graveyard shift and she works normal hours we are hardly intimate and when we are I make it about me and not us. I talked her down into staying I said I would see a psychologist and I am. I has a very hard time believing I can be the man she wanted to marry. I truely love her and really am trying. She will tell me she loves me one day then another day could barely look at me. I tell her please give me time to show her I can be better. She says she needs space. I don't want my marriage and family destroyed. I am trying to change for the better in every part of our marriage. Any help would be appreciated thanks.


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## cbnero

iron14 said:


> I need advice. A couple weeks ago my wife said she is considering a divorce we have been together for 14 years and married almost 10. I admit I blow up about stupid things. And in the past told her I would get help but never did. She showed me she actually had an exit strategy planned out. Go live with a friend and what days I would see our kids 3 and 7. I never got help because things seemed better and I had no pressure on me. But these time I was able to put myself in her shoes and I cracked. I work the graveyard shift and she works normal hours we are hardly intimate and when we are I make it about me and not us. I talked her down into staying I said I would see a psychologist and I am. I has a very hard time believing I can be the man she wanted to marry. I truely love her and really am trying. She will tell me she loves me one day then another day could barely look at me. I tell her please give me time to show her I can be better. She says she needs space. I don't want my marriage and family destroyed. I am trying to change for the better in every part of our marriage. Any help would be appreciated thanks.


stay calm. As long as there is no one else in the picture for either of you, you can fix yourself. You both need to fix yourselves and it will require effort for both of you. 

But I would investigate to make sure there isn't another man involved. Do not ask her, do your own investigation. If you find something do not confront her at all. Come back here and post for advice first. This is critical.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## iron14

Thanks for the response. I asked her if there was someone else she said no. We are civil to each other. I just want to keep apologizing and tell her I love her, but I don't want to push her away. She says she wants a few days for herself from me and the kids. I told her ok. I really am trying to be the husband I should've been and know I am changing. She feels alone and there is no us and hasn't been in awhile. We work opposite schedules and we are like 2 ships passing each other by. I am trying to make an effort to be there more. I think she is so used to things she doesn't believe I can change or just doesn't care anymore. I want to give her time and space. How do I do it without losing her. She says she can't fall back in love with me right away, but I don't expect her to I'm just opening in time I can make her glad she stayed.


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## cbnero

iron14 said:


> Thanks for the response. I asked her if there was someone else she said no. We are civil to each other. I just want to keep apologizing and tell her I love her, but I don't want to push her away. She says she wants a few days for herself from me and the kids. I told her ok. I really am trying to be the husband I should've been and know I am changing. She feels alone and there is no us and hasn't been in awhile. We work opposite schedules and we are like 2 ships passing each other by. I am trying to make an effort to be there more. I think she is so used to things she doesn't believe I can change or just doesn't care anymore. I want to give her time and space. How do I do it without losing her. She says she can't fall back in love with me right away, but I don't expect her to I'm just opening in time I can make her glad she stayed.


I told you to not ask her about other man and to investigate on your own.

I am guessing she didn't fall in love with you because you were a weak man with no self respect. 

She is the one with issues in the marriage, she needs to put in the work. If she doesn't decide to do that, nothing you do well help. You can't change her mind or change her out make her love you. Own your own crap. Fix yourself. All the begging and pleasing in the world will only push her away. That I am certain of. 

Do the 180. Stay calm. 

You aren't giving enough info for me to say much more. Read other threads on TAM.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## ThreeStrikes

iron14 said:


> *I asked her if there was someone else she said no. *


:slap::slap::slap:

Did you expect her to say yes? Good grief.

Iron, please read what your are typing here. You say that the two of you barely see each other, yet she needs a break from you? Really?

A loving spouse would want to see more of their partner.

99.9% chance she is having an affair. 

Does she guard her phone? passcode it? Can you check her FB messages?

Put a VAR under her car seat. You will get your answer within a day or two.

Who is this toxic friend she wants to live with?

What does she want to do with this "space" you are going to give her?


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## lenzi

iron14 said:


> Thanks for the response. I asked her if there was someone else she said no.


Cheaters always say that.

What did you expect her to say?

"Oh yes, in fact there is another guy I've been boinking"?

All you did was tip her off to your suspicions and make it harder to catch her and get the truth. 

It's not impossible, just more difficult.


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## C3156

I'm not going to touch the cheating aspect, follow the advice of others.

If you really want to show your wife that you want to work on the relationship, you need to look for (and find) a day shift job. It is hard to have a relationship when you are not around each other at all.

She has a plan and already told you she wants space. It means that she has been thinking and planning about this for a long time. I once read a statistic that said by the time a person says they want out of a marriage, they have already been thinking about it for about 3 years. She may be to far gone.


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## iron14

I know was stupid when I asked her about someone else. I do love her and the only thing I can do is work on myself and show her through actions I am changing. A friend who is a woman because I needed her advice said the constantly saying sorry and I love you get annoying and I will push her away even more. Guess I'll try my best to be more upbeat and not bring up our problems ,then hopefully in time she'll join me in saving our marriage.


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## turnera

First, check the phone records to see if there is one number or name she texts/calls a lot. Second, if she DOES leave the house for 'space,' ask a friend to follow her, to see if she meets up with someone. If she doesn't during those days, then she probably does just want space. I would kill for some days alone away from my husband and daughter.

Third, get the book His Needs Her Needs - today! - and start reading it together with her. If she reads it with you but doesn't respond to what's in it, snoop some more. If she does respond to it, follow what it says, with gusto. Do the questionnaires. Change your habits. Spend 15 hours a week together to fall in love again.


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## turnera

Yes, stop with the constant shows of affection. To those of us who have checked out of our marriage, it makes you even more disgusting to us than you were before we said anything.


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## iron14

Here is some more info. I really didn't know our problems were so deep. Last Saturday she seemed really depressed she said she wanted to run away from everything. I told her go out do things for yourself, but she was in no condition to leave the house. I took the kids to her parents all day into the night. We talked she talks about unfulfilled dreams she has. I told her I support her just talk to me. She seems to show some affection like saying I love you too back when I say it then she's cold and distant. I ordered that book her needs his needs and contacted a marriage counselor. I would like her to go to a session with the psychologist I'm seeing or the marriage counselor but I'm afraid to ask her.


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## cbnero

iron14 said:


> Here is some more info. I really didn't know our problems were so deep. Last Saturday she seemed really depressed she said she wanted to run away from everything. I told her go out do things for yourself, but she was in no condition to leave the house. I took the kids to her parents all day into the night. We talked she talks about unfulfilled dreams she has. I told her I support her just talk to me. She seems to show some affection like saying I love you too back when I say it then she's cold and distant. I ordered that book her needs his needs and contacted a marriage counselor. I would like her to go to a session with the psychologist I'm seeing or the marriage counselor but I'm afraid to ask her.


Stop. Now. 

Stop thinking about her crap. You are going down the wrong path here. 

Any marriage counseling MUST be her idea. If you tell her you think she is depressed or MLC it will just piss her off and push her away more. 

You are still trying to fix her. STOP!!!

REREAD what I just wrote 100 times. 
Have you read up on the 180 yet? You need to implement it immediately. You are in charge of your own happiness. She is in charge of hers. 

Put yourself in individual counseling. Do NOT tell her you are doing so. 

And get a day shift job asap.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## iron14

I looked up the 180 and some of it is what she wants. I went out with a friend last weekend and she seemed glad to have me out and see me come back. I will continue to be civil without shoving my feelings in her face. I just do that cause of afraid for our future and feel like I have to make up for everything . Thank you for helping.


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## cbnero

iron14 said:


> I looked up the 180 and some of it is what she wants. I went out with a friend last weekend and she seemed glad to have me out and see me come back. I will continue to be civil without shoving my feelings in her face. I just do that cause of afraid for our future and feel like I have to make up for everything . Thank you for helping.


the 180 is for you. And will be the best thing for you to return you to the man she fell in love with. 

Follow it, and read as many threads as you can here on TAM

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## iron14

That's what I try to tell her that the man she wanted to marry is in here. I'm trying to do a 180 on everything. It's going to be very hard at times not to tell her my feelings. I just want it to maybe a year from now she's glad we stayed together. She's worth fighting for.


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## cbnero

iron14 said:


> That's what I try to tell her that the man she wanted to marry is in here. I'm trying to do a 180 on everything. It's going to be very hard at times not to tell her my feelings. I just want it to maybe a year from now she's glad we stayed together. She's worth fighting for.


stop trying to tell her anything. You cant change her mind. But she can. Do the 180 and try not to slip up. Get yourself into IC

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## happy as a clam

1. Stop talking with her about the problems in the marriage
2. Stop asking her "what she wants"
3. Stop telling her how much you love her and want to save the marriage
4. DO NOT start doing loads of housework, childcare, cooking, etc.
5. Start doing fun things with your kids or your friends
6. Start working out and getting in better shape
7. Go silent on anything having to do with the relationship, issues, the future, her feelings, etc.
8. Stop apologizing to her for the man you aren't, and BECOME the man you used to be/want to be
9. Get into I/C ASAP
10. Follow everyone's advice here on the 180 and follow it to a T

Anything else and you are headed for a definite separation or divorce. We're all rooting for you. You can do this.


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## LongWalk

You will destroy your marriage by trying to talk your wife back. It doesn't work like that.

Be cheerful and ready to live without her. Once she sees you are going to make it, she may find you attractive again. Are you working out? 

Are you active in your kids sports and schoolwork?

Get a day job.


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## iron14

I'm sorry new to a lot of these things what's ic. I do workout and will try and continue. I try and put on a happy face when I'm around her. She's very confusing for a few days she's says things like we're ok and I love you, then one day she cold and short. This morning she sent me a text apologizing she's been so ****ty lately she just needs to get away. I could tell she was annoyed with our son telling him to get ready. I have appointment with a counselor today. I didn't tell her ill just do it. You guys are right when I put on a happy face and act like everything's ok she seems ok. Wish I had someone her to slap me when I want to hug her.


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## turnera

IC = individual counseling
MC = marriage counseling


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## turnera

iron14 said:


> I admit I blow up about stupid things.


This is just about the single worst thing a man can do. Women get scared by - and withdraw from - men who 'blow up.' Make sure your IC addresses that above everything.


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## turnera

iron14 said:


> she just needs to get away.


Please make sure you are checking up on her if she 'gets away' to see if another man shows up.


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## JustHer

There have been women married to men who treat them the way you have treated your wife and not cheat. I know because I have been in her shoes and I never cheated. She is more than likely just sick of it all.

I have a couple questions: How old is she? Do you know what her love language is?


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## iron14

I have been a lot better about blowing up at things. I've learned to just let things go and not make a bigger mess. I just need an outlet for my feelings I usually keep everything in. I don't think there's someone else but I'll keep my eyes open. So basically whatever I feel like doing do the opposite. I appreciate all the advice and support.


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## iron14

Justher she's 33 I'm 35 I think she got sick of it all and just snapped. I was never able to put myself in her shoes but was able to and saw all the things she does work stress get kids up ready for school put them down at night. I told her when she was in a good mood wake me up I'll help you. I think she feels like we're two separate people living in the same house like 2 ships passing each other by, but we need to become 1 unit again. My job pays our mortgage and most of our bills. Hopefully a day shift will come up. But now if she needs be I'll man up.


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## iron14

No I don't know what her love language is. I was blind to a lot of things I wish I could kick my own ass.


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## turnera

iron14 said:


> saw all the things she does work stress *get kids up ready for school put them down at night*. I told her when she was in a good mood *wake me up I'll help you*.


Huh? Why are you not doing this anyway? You have to be woken up? Haven't you heard of an alarm clock like other adults? I wake up when DH is on another schedule to help him take care of things and then go back to sleep.

Not buyin' it.


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## JustHer

iron14 said:


> I told her *when she was in a good mood* wake me up I'll help you.



What? You are only there for her if she is in a good mood? Are you one of those punishment and reward guys? Dude, you better change that attitude - and fast.

Find out what her love language is. 

If it is acts of service, there you go, get up without being asked, etc.

If it is gifts, start leaving her little gifts such as bubble bath, a single flower, etc. with a love note.

If it is words of affirmation, start telling her how much you appreciate her and all the stuff she does, be specific.

If it is physical touch, make time to caress her cheek, comb her hair, and please just her with a morning O.

If it is quality time, give up 1/2 hour of sleep and listen to her tell you how her day was, feed her chocolate covered strawberries in bed, etc.

These of course are just examples, it is up to you to find out what she really needs and wants from you. AND, you can do that without giving up your alpha male.


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## turnera

JustHer said:


> There have been women married to men who treat them the way you have treated your wife and not cheat. I know because I have been in her shoes and I never cheated. She is more than likely just sick of it all.


I would say this, too, except for one thing: using the term she used. I, too, have been in her shoes and not cheated. But I've seen more often than not that when a woman 'wants space,' it's because she wants to explore what it'd be like to entertain another man.


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## JustHer

True, she may be wanting to check out her options, but doesn't mean she has walked the path.

And OP, she could still be receptive to positive changes from you, just make sure you are her best option......


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## cbnero

JustHer said:


> True, she may be wanting to check out her options, but doesn't mean she has walked the path.
> 
> And OP, she could still be receptive to positive changes from you, just make sure you are her best option......


Honestly I would be yourself and do the 180. These posts about giving women space is really all about giving her control. If you love her you should wait. Baloney.

if she loved you and she is having problems in the marriage she should have put herself in IC first then made progress towards communnicating her concerns.

Most women are terrible communicators and think men should "get it." We dont read minds.

Do the 180. Make sure you dont get angry or pushy. Stay calm at all times. But respect yourself too. Be confident but not ****y.

If she warms up to you, then warm up a little more. Do not have expectations. If she wants to pull back a little thats fine. Yous stand still and stay calm.

But if she starts blame shifting or rewriting the marriage history without recognizing any of her own faults then put up your own emotional boundaries and withdraw. Do not engage her but dont let her blame everything on you either.

marriage is between 2 imperfect people. 2 people need to want it, value it, and respect it. Otherwise its just a fools game and you will end up a doormat.

Ultimately we are individually responsible for our own happiness and honoring our vows. Own your own issues. Do not own hers. Go to IC for yours now.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## turnera

cbnero said:


> Honestly I would be yourself and do the 180.


So...this woman is married to a man who has a long history of blowing up at her, who holds all his feelings in, who works other shifts so she doesn't get time with him, who never helps with the housework or the kids, who kept blowing off his promises to stop the anger and get help for it...and he should now do a 180 and abandon her even more? :scratchhead:


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## JustHer

cbnero, I am not sure what happened to you, but it appears to have left you without the ability to be objective, or even see reality.

Your advice would be good if SHE has not been plugged in, if SHE had not been trying to make the marriage work and if SHE was being selfish with her time, patience and even sex. However we know this is not the case because he has readily admitted to being the one guilty of all the above infractions.

So what you are telling him to do is add fuel to the fire and then see if there are any shreds of her left that is willing to continue to take the abuse. Really?


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## LBHmidwest

I contributed to the demise of my marriage and I'm sure you contributed to yours also. The key is contributed, not made happen. It takes two to divorce.

We can boil down her love language and all this other psychobabble to people work at loving each other, communicating with each other and care about each other or they don't.

My psychobabble is walkaway wives justify justify justify. Rarely do they work work work at communication.

Lots of great ladies have been hurt and deserve better. Lots of them aren't great ladies too.


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## cbnero

turnera said:


> cbnero said:
> 
> 
> 
> Honestly I would be yourself and do the 180.
> 
> 
> 
> So...this woman is married to a man who has a long history of blowing up at her, who holds all his feelings in, who works other shifts so she doesn't get time with him, who never helps with the housework or the kids, who kept blowing off his promises to stop the anger and get help for it...and he should now do a 180 and abandon her even more?
Click to expand...

He says that he is at fault because that is what she told him and what all women like to believe - it is everyone elses fault but their own. And he is so emotionally connected that he will agree to whatever she says.

I am not saying he is perfect and doesnt bear responsibility. But he doesnt bear ALL responsibility. Women love to dump their shyt on everyone else. 

I am advising him to own HIS faults and better himself. But not to let HER say he is soley to blame for her unhappiness. To do so is complete garbage.

How has her behavior been thru the marriage? Do we know? Has she been doing IC on her own prior to blaming? Is she perfect? How has she reacted to his behavior or communicated? Could she have done more, behaved better herself, communicated to him better? Hell yes.

it takes 2 to make it work. To pin it all on him is crap, he is emotionally and mentally unprepared to differentiate the real from the garbage. Listen to what your wife says but dont be a doormat. I dont care what these women posters say. Both of you are a person of value, not just her.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## lenzi

LBHmidwest said:


> I contributed to the demise of your marriage and I'm sure you did too.


How did you screw up his marriage?


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## cbnero

lenzi said:


> LBHmidwest said:
> 
> 
> 
> I contributed to the demise of your marriage and I'm sure you did too.
> 
> 
> 
> How did you screw up his marriage?
Click to expand...

Wait... are you the OM?? Lol

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## lenzi

cbnero said:


> Wait... are you the OM?? Lol


It's the only possible answer!

I think we have a confession.


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## cbnero

lenzi said:


> cbnero said:
> 
> 
> 
> Wait... are you the OM?? Lol
> 
> 
> 
> It's the only possible answer!
> 
> I think we have a confession.
Click to expand...

I didnt even have a chance to email evidence to his employer and coworkers... He wouldnt make it as a criminal either.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## ThreeStrikes

cbnero said:


> He says that he is at fault because that is what *she told him and what all women like to believe - it is everyone elses fault but their own.* And he is so emotionally connected that he will agree to whatever she says.
> 
> I am not saying he is perfect and doesnt bear responsibility. But he doesnt bear ALL responsibility. *Women love to dump their shyt on everyone else. *
> 
> I am advising him to own HIS faults and better himself. But not to let HER say he is soley to blame for her unhappiness. To do so is complete garbage.
> 
> How has her behavior been thru the marriage? Do we know? Has she been doing IC on her own prior to blaming? Is she perfect? How has she reacted to his behavior or communicated? Could she have done more, behaved better herself, communicated to him better? Hell yes.
> 
> it takes 2 to make it work. To pin it all on him is crap, he is emotionally and mentally unprepared to differentiate the real from the garbage.  Listen to what your wife says but dont be a doormat. I dont care what these women posters say. Both of you are a person of value, not just her.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_



CB, do you really believe the bolded parts?

FWIW, I still think we need a lot more info from Iron to properly guide him. 

The first question that needs answered has already been mentioned: Is she having an affair OR has she just checked out. Everything hinges on the answer.

Iron, put a VAR under her car seat and you will have an answer in a day or two.

BTW, I'm sure LBH's post is a typo. He has a thread here. He's not the OM.


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## turnera

cbnero said:


> I am not saying he is perfect and doesnt bear responsibility. But he doesnt bear ALL responsibility.


Show me where I said he did.

I said that telling him to do a 180 in THIS situation is going to do nothing but prove to her that he isn't more than these problems, that she's right to walk away.



cbnero said:


> Women love to dump their shyt on everyone else.


OH puhleaze. Doesn't even warrant a rebuttal.


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## LBHmidwest

lenzi said:


> How did you screw up his marriage?


Shouldn't type and talk to my kids at the same time :scratchhead:


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## iron14

I had an appointment with a ic today. She was very nice I felt bad I turned and hour visit into 2 hours, but I've been very distraught. I barely sleep and eat lost almost 20lbs this time. She told me I could write down my feelings and I should really only see one person for help, because I might get conflicting advice. She said she could tell I really want to be a better husband, and I really do. As far as anger I haven't blown up at anything I learned to just let things go. If something's spilled it only takes a few seconds to clean up. As for being up I stay up during the day to clean up the house do grocery shopping make dinner when I can. I just have to watch her love language and try different things. She recommended a book called keep marriage simple. I appriciate your feedback.


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## cbnero

iron14 said:


> I had an appointment with a ic today. She was very nice I felt bad I turned and hour visit into 2 hours, but I've been very distraught. I barely sleep and eat lost almost 20lbs this time. She told me I could write down my feelings and I should really only see one person for help, because I might get conflicting advice. She said she could tell I really want to be a better husband, and I really do. As far as anger I haven't blown up at anything I learned to just let things go. If something's spilled it only takes a few seconds to clean up. As for being up I stay up during the day to clean up the house do grocery shopping make dinner when I can. I just have to watch her love language and try different things. She recommended a book called keep marriage simple. I appriciate your feedback.


I agree with you IC. But I would keep posting or seeing a couple IC. Some of them suck and if this your first time thru you wont know the difference.

And 100% investigate for OM. 

And I didnt mean to start a war but this thread turned into he was at fault and what he needed to do to make up for his faults. I agree he needs to and should try to better himself and show her his love. But if she isnt returning love and respect back then he becomes a doormat. 

I aplogize for being an azz about it but my MIL gave me the same lines about accepting my faults and all the stuff and I bought into it 100%. While I was foing a year of IC she was lying about everything and having a relationship with a married man at work.

yet everything is my fault. My view now is it takes two, no one party should own all the bad. It will not be good.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## iron14

She admits it's her fault too. But I feel so guilty about my actions causing her to be the way she is. I wish I could reconnect with her but I know she's confused. I know it's hard for her. I feel like each day takes forever. I can't imagine being without her. I'm trying to learn her love language but don't want to push. I do small simple things like getting dinner picking up something she needs etc. I don't think she knows how badly this is effecting me. I was late coming home yesterday morning and got chocked up on the phone. The counselor said I need reassurance from her but she's not ready to give it. I'm trying to be strong.


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## cbnero

Stay calm. You cant control how she feels. Be the man you want to be at all times. If she doesnt respect that and come back then her loss.

but check for OM. Odds are not in your favor unfortunately. I would start with phone records, text history, computer history, etc...

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Pictureless

iron14 said:


> She admits it's her fault too. But I feel so guilty about my actions causing her to be the way she is. I wish I could reconnect with her but I know she's confused. I know it's hard for her. I feel like each day takes forever. I can't imagine being without her. I'm trying to learn her love language but don't want to push. I do small simple things like getting dinner picking up something she needs etc. I don't think she knows how badly this is effecting me. I was late coming home yesterday morning and got chocked up on the phone. The counselor said I need reassurance from her but she's not ready to give it. I'm trying to be strong.


Our MC told mine that she should be reassuring me. She didn't. Now we know why. 

I suggest you do not become overly dependent upon having her in your life. You can't imagine life without her? That's not healthy. You lived without her before didn't you? You had a life before you met her, right? 

You say she's confused....about what? Loving someone isn't hard or very difficult, it doesn't require a whole lot of thought. She could be trying to decide whether to stay or go. She knows how she's affecting you. What you don't know is why she is behaving the way she is. Or maybe you do. Face it, or tell her what you will not tolerate. Then watch how she reacts.


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## cbnero

Pictureless said:


> iron14 said:
> 
> 
> 
> She admits it's her fault too. But I feel so guilty about my actions causing her to be the way she is. I wish I could reconnect with her but I know she's confused. I know it's hard for her. I feel like each day takes forever. I can't imagine being without her. I'm trying to learn her love language but don't want to push. I do small simple things like getting dinner picking up something she needs etc. I don't think she knows how badly this is effecting me. I was late coming home yesterday morning and got chocked up on the phone. The counselor said I need reassurance from her but she's not ready to give it. I'm trying to be strong.
> 
> 
> 
> Our MC told mine that she should be reassuring me. She didn't. Now we know why.
> 
> I suggest you do not become overly dependent upon having her in your life. You can't imagine life without her? That's not healthy. You lived without her before didn't you? You had a life before you met her, right?
> 
> You say she's confused....about what? Loving someone isn't hard or very difficult, it doesn't require a whole lot of thought. She could be trying to decide whether to stay or go. She knows how she's affecting you. What you don't know is why she is behaving the way she is. Or maybe you do. Face it, or tell her what you will not tolerate. Then watch how she reacts.
Click to expand...

THIS... 

BEST ADVICE YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## JustHer

iron14, glad you had a good visit with the counselor. My only other suggestion is to try to look at things a little different. Your attitude is everything. If you are letting her know that you are trying to make the changes because You can't imagine life without her, because YOU don't want her to leave, then it is still all about YOU.

Let her know, subtly, that you are making changes so SHE will be treated the way SHE deserves, the KIDS will have the dad THEY deserve.

I don't want to jump to conclusions, but it has been my experience that people who are quick to anger, etc. although they admit their problem, they still minimize it. In her eyes, your anger and they way you have treated her and the kids could be considered emotional abuse. She needs to know that you understand the seriousness of what her and the kids have had to live with. And it will take some time to lay down a new history so she will start to trust you again.

And, you need to make darn sure that these traits NEVER pop up again. Even if you slip up a little it will bring back a flood of memories and all the doubt again for her.

Having said that, I do have to give you a big kudos for admitting your issues and doing something about it. It takes a lot from anyone to look at our not-so-good side and be willing to admit we are like that. Keep up the work, not just for you, but for them.......


----------



## LBHmidwest

iron14 said:


> She admits it's her fault too. .
> 
> I don't think she knows how badly this is effecting me. .


I don't know that much but just my thoughts...

She probably has barely, I mean barely admitted her fault in this. Then she can tell her friends and family it's my fault too with some small lame issue - she should have communicated better or she should have worked harder - but thin on specifics.

She doesn't most likely CARE about your feelings. It's about her. If anything, your pain makes her push away harder. Again, it's about her.

You have to let her go to have a shot at getting her back. NO MORE apologizing, chasing, anything. Agree with her, limit contact, improve yourself for yourself. In counseling it's not about her anymore. It's about you.


----------



## cbnero

LBHmidwest said:


> iron14 said:
> 
> 
> 
> She admits it's her fault too. .
> 
> I don't think she knows how badly this is effecting me. .
> 
> 
> 
> I don't know that much but just my thoughts...
> 
> She probably has barely, I mean barely admitted her fault in this. Then she can tell her friends and family it's my fault too with some small lame issue - she should have communicated better or she should have worked harder - but thin on specifics.
> 
> She doesn't most likely CARE about your feelings. It's about her. If anything, your pain makes her push away harder. Again, it's about her.
> 
> You have to let her go to have a shot at getting her back. NO MORE apologizing, chasing, anything. Agree with her, limit contact, improve yourself for yourself. In counseling it's not about her anymore. It's about you.
Click to expand...

Agreed. The whole emotional abuse thing is a bunch of crap. it can be valid but is overused and misapplied and it is wrong. A man getting angry is emotionally abusive. So is a woman who witholds sex because she is mad about something but doesnt communicate it to her husband. So is a woman who justifies not being honest with het husband out of "fear of him getting angry." Write it down or email it then. 2 wrongs never make a right.

IC is about you. Own your faults, not hers. And yes reality is she doesnt care about you at all. Many women in this stage suffer from "oneitis."

fix yourself first and hope she does the same. Act like the husband/father you want to me and if she attacks you just listen and say you will think about what she said over the next few days and leave it at that. Dont argue, dont blame shift, her feelings are her feelings right or wrong. Not your job to tell her otherwise.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## iron14

LBHmidwest said:


> I don't know that much but just my thoughts...
> 
> She probably has barely, I mean barely admitted her fault in this. Then she can tell her friends and family it's my fault too with some small lame issue - she should have communicated better or she should have worked harder - but thin on specifics.
> 
> She doesn't most likely CARE about your feelings. It's about her. If anything, your pain makes her push away harder. Again, it's about her.
> 
> You have to let her go to have a shot at getting her back. NO MORE apologizing, chasing, anything. Agree with her, limit contact, improve yourself for yourself. In counseling it's not about her anymore. It's about you.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## iron14

She's checked out I had psychiatrist appointment.Dr saw I was severely depressed they want to keep me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cbnero

Good luck man

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

Pictureless said:


> Loving someone isn't hard or very difficult, it doesn't require a whole lot of thought.


Baloney!

It *IS* hard to continue loving someone whom a spouse (either gender) feels does not appreciate them or value their contributions to daily life for the family.

It took this OP (not to bag on *him* specifically) about a DECADE to WAKE UP to the fact that his wife has had enough! Enough of his selfishness, enough of his temper, enough of him being checked-out and leaving most/all of the kids' and family life on her shoulders.

So, she's checked out and made a plan. He's woken up and said, "Holy crap! I am a MAJOR screw-up! I didn't mean to make this happen!!!"

And now that he's turning it around for, what? a couple of weeks? she's a b1tch because she's not all, "Oh, honey! THIS TIME I believe you! Even though you told me for years you'd get help like I communicated I wanted you to, but you never BOTHERED to! Oh, honey, thank you for doing 18 nice things for me in the last 3 days! It *SO* makes up for a decade of crap!"

YOU, *Pictureless*, are being totally unreasonable if you expect her to just say, "Wow! Two weeks of vast improvement! This ship has totally turned around...wanna BJ, baby?"

*Iron:* you're doing fine! Lots of kudos for you for recognizing YOUR failings have contributed greatly to this mess. All you can do is OWN your failings, resolve to be a better man for yourself and your kids. If the new "better man" is attractive to your wife, she'll be back in it; if she's not, you're still a better man for you, your kids, and the next relationship.

You spent a decade getting into this mess, it's going to take many long months of serious, dedicated work, to start turning this around. It's a step at a time. A day at a time. A week at a time. You're building a better man. You're building a better father. You're building a better role model. It's worth the long, slow, steady, correct effort. There is no 'quick fix'.

Best wishes to you and your family in 2014!


----------



## 6301

You know, there's two sides to every story and somewhere in the middle is the truth.

Now, Iron has admitted his shortcomings and has a ton of work to do but if there's problems in a marriage then both have contributed to it. 

I'll bet that she doesn't walk on water either and some of the problems are from her too. 

I can't see how this can work when there's only one visiting a MC or IC. If her heart isn't in it then your beating your head against the wall.

If it was me, I would send the kids to the grandparents house for a few hours and have a real good, in depth heart to heart and find out if she really wants to stay. 

According to him, she's running hot and cold and no middle ground and what he needs to know if it's worth it. If she doesn't want to work on the marriage and wants to leave either via separation or divorce then let her go and let her find her way.

No one says that you can't reunite and find a solution but both parties have to want it.


----------



## cbnero

6301 said:


> You know, there's two sides to every story and somewhere in the middle is the truth.
> 
> Now, Iron has admitted his shortcomings and has a ton of work to do but if there's problems in a marriage then both have contributed to it.
> 
> I'll bet that she doesn't walk on water either and some of the problems are from her too.
> 
> I can't see how this can work when there's only one visiting a MC or IC. If her heart isn't in it then your beating your head against the wall.
> 
> If it was me, I would send the kids to the grandparents house for a few hours and have a real good, in depth heart to heart and find out if she really wants to stay.
> 
> According to him, she's running hot and cold and no middle ground and what he needs to know if it's worth it. If she doesn't want to work on the marriage and wants to leave either via separation or divorce then let her go and let her find her way.
> 
> No one says that you can't reunite and find a solution but both parties have to want it.


okay so he does this. And she says she needs time and space to think it over. 

Then... what - does he agree to be her "Plan B?"

Ignore the female poster who loves to put it all on the man. I am putting it on BOTH parties and she cant even handle that. What is your wife doing to better herself? Has she been a model perfect wife?

I would put the hard questions to her and if she says she doesnt know then take my advice and file D immediately. No one is perfect and if she cant keep her vow to stay married and love her husband UNCONDITIONALLY then let her go.

Save yourself the heartache of letting someone who does not care about your feelings destroy you even further and get out while you can.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## ThreeStrikes

cbnero said:


> okay so he does this. And she says she needs time and space to think it over.
> 
> Then... what - does he agree to be her "Plan B?"
> 
> Ignore the female poster who loves to put it all on the man. I am putting it on BOTH parties and she cant even handle that. What is your wife doing to better herself? *Has she been a model perfect wife?*
> 
> *I don't see him wanting to leave her:scratchhead:*
> 
> I would put the hard questions to her and if she says she doesnt know then take my advice and file D immediately. No one is perfect and *if she cant keep her vow to stay married and love her husband UNCONDITIONALLY then let her go.*
> 
> *Love unconditionally? so if he's a drug addict, she stays no matter what? a pedophile? criminal? *
> 
> Save yourself the heartache of letting someone who does not care about your feelings destroy you even further and get out while you can.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_



Really CB? Your posts in this thread have been a little over-the-top, don't you think? Way too much projecting. Separate his situation from yours.


----------



## cbnero

ThreeStrikes said:


> cbnero said:
> 
> 
> 
> okay so he does this. And she says she needs time and space to think it over.
> 
> Then... what - does he agree to be her "Plan B?"
> 
> Ignore the female poster who loves to put it all on the man. I am putting it on BOTH parties and she cant even handle that. What is your wife doing to better herself? *Has she been a model perfect wife?*
> 
> *I don't see him wanting to leave her
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *
> 
> I would put the hard questions to her and if she says she doesnt know then take my advice and file D immediately. No one is perfect and *if she cant keep her vow to stay married and love her husband UNCONDITIONALLY then let her go.*
> 
> *Love unconditionally? so if he's a drug addict, she stays no matter what? a pedophile? criminal? *
> 
> Save yourself the heartache of letting someone who does not care about your feelings destroy you even further and get out while you can.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_
> 
> 
> 
> Yeah fine it just pisses me off when people start piling on a guy who is already being hard on himself and depressed. As if he is the first husband to do those things. I have been in his shoes when you have been told and feel worthless. It isnt just him, that is my point. I will disconnect.
> 
> 
> Really CB? Your posts in this thread have been a little over-the-top, don't you think? Way too much projecting. Separate his situation from yours.
Click to expand...

 _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## turnera

iron14 said:


> She admits it's her fault too. But I feel so guilty about my actions causing her to be the way she is. I wish I could reconnect with her but I know she's confused.


Here's the thing that men don't understand. Women typically know men from books and movies and daydreaming about marriage and babies and all that luvvy stuff. Then, when they get married, they get a good look into men's lives - sex, being cared for, having fun, and acting male. That includes fighting to get what you want, and when it comes into the home after the honeymoon phase is over, that aggression that men used to save for their flag football episodes spills over onto the WOMAN - the one person they trust not to leave them. The woman, OTOH, is shocked. This man used to be SO NICE, so sweet, so loving, so attentive, when they were dating. THAT was what they thought they were marrying. Maybe they did something wrong to deserve that anger? Maybe they need to be more careful, say less, walk on eggshells. But then that doesn't work either, and the man STILL freaks out when she spills the pan or drops the glass and *****es her out. 

You men just have NO IDEA the changes that women go through when they are faced with men's anger. How careful they become. How much they shut off their feelings. How much they blame themselves and come to hate themselves and question their every action. And, eventually, stop loving that man. Most women have no training to understand how to deal with it, and shame keeps them from admitting to their mom or other people what they're dealing with, so they just bottle it and blame themselves. And stop loving even MORE. 

By the time the man figures this out, the woman is usually long gone, mentally. This isn't what they signed up for. This isn't the marriage they dreamed about, bragged about, expected. What the hell am I doing here?

Then, finally, when she's so fed up she says she's leaving, HE GETS IT. But in the meantime, she's spent years in pain, unhappy, asking him to change/get therapy/listen/talk/spend time together. So when he finally starts hopping, doing the stuff she asks for, she IS HIGHLY SKEPTICAL. Really? NOW, he gets it? Why couldn't he listen the last 5/15/30 years, when she was BEGGING him to care?

By then, it's usually too late. The longer it's been going on, the less likely she is to trust you again.


----------



## turnera

cbnero said:


> _Posted via _*Topify*_ on Android_Yeah fine it just pisses me off when people start piling on a guy who is already being hard on himself and depressed


Sometimes, that's what it takes for a person to wake up and accept how they have screwed up their life (not to mention the lives of others).

It's not our job to ensure every poster FEELS GOOD. It's our job to ensure every poster LEARNS what's necessary to get what they want out of life (and not harm others).


----------



## lifeistooshort

turnera said:


> Here's the thing that men don't understand. Women typically know men from books and movies and daydreaming about marriage and babies and all that luvvy stuff. Then, when they get married, they get a good look into men's lives - sex, being cared for, having fun, and acting male. That includes fighting to get what you want, and when it comes into the home after the honeymoon phase is over, that aggression that men used to save for their flag football episodes spills over onto the WOMAN - the one person they trust not to leave them. The woman, OTOH, is shocked. This man used to be SO NICE, so sweet, so loving, so attentive, when they were dating. THAT was what they thought they were marrying. Maybe they did something wrong to deserve that anger? Maybe they need to be more careful, say less, walk on eggshells. But then that doesn't work either, and the man STILL freaks out when she spills the pan or drops the glass and *****es her out.
> 
> You men just have NO IDEA the changes that women go through when they are faced with men's anger. How careful they become. How much they shut off their feelings. How much they blame themselves and come to hate themselves and question their every action. And, eventually, stop loving that man. Most women have no training to understand how to deal with it, and shame keeps them from admitting to their mom or other people what they're dealing with, so they just bottle it and blame themselves. And stop loving even MORE.
> 
> By the time the man figures this out, the woman is usually long gone, mentally. This isn't what they signed up for. This isn't the marriage they dreamed about, bragged about, expected. What the hell am I doing here?
> 
> Then, finally, when she's so fed up she says she's leaving, HE GETS IT. But in the meantime, she's spent years in pain, unhappy, asking him to change/get therapy/listen/talk/spend time together. So when he finally starts hopping, doing the stuff she asks for, she IS HIGHLY SKEPTICAL. Really? NOW, he gets it? Why couldn't he listen the last 5/15/30 years, when she was BEGGING him to care?
> 
> By then, it's usually too late. The longer it's been going on, the less likely she is to trust you again.


So true. Look at what happens when women turn off sex after marriage? Men lose their minds and scream bloody murder about bait and switch.

The reason women don't come back from this comes down to motives; when men don't bother until his wife is ready to walk, this is perceived as selfish. He couldn't be bothered when he thought she wasn't going anywhere but now that HIS world is going to change he all of a sudden cares. So you weren't concerned about me because I'm your wife and my happiness matters, you're concerned about your own rear. This OP openly admits he was a selfish jerk but his wife must be cheating and that's it. I care about my husband's happiness because I love him, not because I'm afraid he'll leave. If that's my only motivation, well then he should leave me because I'm selfish.

Now OP, I can see this is tough for you and i don't mean to pile on, but i think this is important. Everything in your posts is about you, what you feel, and what you want. "Doesn't she understand how hard this is for ME"? Once again, all about you with little regard for what she wants or what might make her happy. This attitude is what got you here and this is how you're being perceived by your wife. By all means do the 180 and put yourself together, but this isn't all about you. Your wife must come to you willingly, and in order to do that she must see something that has value to her. That's the perspective to keep on this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

cbnero said:


> Ignore the female poster who loves to put it all on the man.


If this is meant to refer to me, try getting it right!

I specifically said that "either gender" can feel taken for granted, unappreciated and resentful.

In THIS situation, the OP admits he was an uncaring, checked-out husband for YEARS! He admitted that he understands how he drove his wife to want to check out of their marriage herself and walk out the door with the kids in tow. He gets it. He admitted that much!

As a previous poster suggested, stop projecting YOUR personal problems on other people's relationships. *I* don't believe that every wife walks on water. Hopefully, you're not delusional enough to believe that every husband is aggrieved!

There is, no doubt, a great deal of wisdom to be taken away from your POV. Make sure you present it as YOUR POV the viewpoint of a spouse (not necessarily a MAN's POV, but a spouse) who wanted to work on his marriage, wanted to try, but whose spouse was unwilling to do so.

Not every wife is a walkaway wife, a harridan, an unreasonable never-to-be-satisfied b1tch nor is every man a long-suffering saint who's made a FEW MINOR missteps nor a hopelessly selfish jackass. Generalizations are lazy thinking, crappy examples, and totally unhelpful.

*Iron:* try hard to make some extra time for your kids, too! I'm sure the stress/tension in the house is hard on them as well. They need their dad to be strong and available for them.


----------



## Aerith

cbnero said:


> Agreed. The whole emotional abuse thing is a bunch of crap. it can be valid but is overused and misapplied and it is wrong. A man getting angry is emotionally abusive. So is a woman who witholds sex because she is mad about something but doesnt communicate it to her husband. So is a woman who justifies not being honest with het husband out of "fear of him getting angry." /QUOTE]
> Yelling and swearing is anti-social behaviour while withhiolding sex is not.
> 
> OP needs to learn to be assertive and react assertively however he needs to treat the depression first.
> 
> Iron, your wife should know that you were diagnosed with depression and need her support during treatment. I would ask her to postpone divorce consideration.


----------



## iron14

Hey guys I'm back. Went home we had a talk. She still wants a separation of course I wish we could work things out but I can't make her or make her feel something. I know I've grown and changed as a person and regret I won't be able to show. Things have been the way they've been for so long all she sees me as that person. She wants to remain friends and I guess it's better than losing her forever. She wants this separation to go as painless as possible. She did agree to go to counseling but it's more for us to move on. I wish I could erase all the bad she sees in me and hope she can see the man I'm becoming. So where to we go from here?


----------



## JustHer

Keep going to counseling and keep working on yourself. The worst thing that will happen is that you become a better person and the next relationship has a chance at being healthy and successful.

The best thing that can happen is that she doesn't file for divorce, she eventually notices the new you and you two start dating again and eventually get back together.

These changes must be permanent. Don't accept anything less than that from yourself.

Good luck.


----------



## jerry123

iron14 said:


> Hey guys I'm back. Went home we had a talk. She still wants a separation of course I wish we could work things out but I can't make her or make her feel something. I know I've grown and changed as a person and regret I won't be able to show. Things have been the way they've been for so long all she sees me as that person. She wants to remain friends and I guess it's better than losing her forever. She wants this separation to go as painless as possible. She did agree to go to counseling but it's more for us to move on. I wish I could erase all the bad she sees in me and hope she can see the man I'm becoming. So where to we go from here?



Did you ever check into phone or text messages??

If you are separating in hopes of maybe someday getting back together you need to find out if there is OM. 

If separating is leading to divorce then just get your crap together for a new woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bigbearsfan

I'm going to bet a dollar there is at least an EA going on. Any takers?


----------



## alphaomega

Tunera,

You should already know guys are literal beings. If its not in our face, we just don't get it. Women use silence and subtle emotion to portray thier displeasure. Sometimes I believe all women have some psychic link together, because they always know when something isn't right in thier friends' lives. It's bizarre.

Guys don't get this. They need a punch in the face before they understand thier friend is having an issue. Literally!

That's why guys always say the same thing..."but you didn't tell me you were unhappy.". That's because the women is talking to man, like a woman.

Same reason why guys always say the same thing in these instances. They get all mushy and lovey all of a sudden, wanting to fix it now! That's why they all get frustrated if it's not fixed in a week. They panic, and get more frustrated and pour on more lovey fixes. Which has the opposite effect.

OP. you need to disassociate yourself from this, as hard as it is. Accept the fact that she wants to leave. Trust me. She's been thinking about this for years. This is her solution. Two weeks of your change isn't going to help.

My advise? Roll with it. Accept it. Then start working on you. Get a hair cut. Go to the gym. Get some hobbies. Buy new clothes. Whiten your teeth. Be the man you were when you first met each other. Talk nice to her but don't be sappy.

Only after months of this will she start to notice and you will have a chance to change her mind. This is a 6 month plan. Maybe longer. The sooner you realize that, the more at ease your "fix it" part of your brain will become.


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## turnera

That's why I believe they should teach this stuff in high school before we let them loose on society.


----------



## iron14

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## iron14

I did need a punch in the face. I feel like I was blind for a long time and someone made me see or finally turned the light on. I own every time I made her feel bad and unwanted. I told her the guy she said yes to is in here and I want to get him out and fulfill her needs in every way. It seems she emotionally divorced me. I am kind to her but not pushy or needy. She said she would get counseling with me but her intentions for counseling are for us to move on separately. I will continue to get help to become a better person. I wish I could find a way to reconnect with her.


----------



## Hope1964

*Have you investigated whether she's boinking someone else????*


----------



## iron14

As for checking her phone. If I get caught it's game over
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Keepin-my-head-up

iron14 said:


> As for checking her phone. If I get caught it's game over
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You guys are already heading for divorce....
Isn't it already game over???
think about it


----------



## cbnero

I know I am headstrong and an azz sometimes, but I agree.

own your faults.

but before you give up and own all of the shyt she wants to feed you I would double check the source.

unfortunately if you read TAM there is almost always someone else involved. And thats a whole different ballgame.

for your own sanity you should check

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## iron14

Ok I did get a chance to check her phone. No sign of another man. I got up and asked her if she needed help finding something she was looking for and she told me she can't stand being in the house with me she really hates me.


----------



## alphaomega

Ok. That's just her being a bit(h. Imo. 

I would Be firm but fair. Tell her she's welcome to move out if she hates it that much.

You do realize you don't have to roll over like a puppy.


----------



## iron14

I wasn't confrontational at all. She plans on staying at a friends house all weekend and coming back Monday nite before I go back to work. She seemed ok the last couple days talking a bit with me about her day then like a switch can't be in the house with me? I remain calm and don't push her.


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## turnera

It's a 90% chance there is another guy hanging around giving her the balls to ditch you.


----------



## iron14

She came home unexpectedly. Thought she be gone till Monday nite. She's dead set on divorce there's no talking to her. She seems like a completely different person. She says she feels like a prisoner I'm trying to be civil but I'm paying the mortgage. Kids missed her. I want to make a better life for all of us together. But it pisses me off she won't try to repair us. I worry how this will affect our kids. But she doesn't give a ****. She just wants a divorce, kids will adjust that simple.


----------



## bigbearsfan

iron14 said:


> She came home unexpectedly. Thought she be gone till Monday nite. She's dead set on divorce there's no talking to her. She seems like a completely different person. She says she feels like a prisoner I'm trying to be civil but I'm paying the mortgage. Kids missed her. I want to make a better life for all of us together. But it pisses me off she won't try to repair us. I worry how this will affect our kids. But she doesn't give a ****. She just wants a divorce, kids will adjust that simple.


That confirms it for me, there's OM.


----------



## turnera

Have you actually snooped, followed her, stuff like that?

If there IS another man, you still have a chance at saving the marriage, if you find him and get rid of him through exposure. What have you got to lose?


----------



## bigbearsfan

Stay strong Iron, and start digging. If you need help and advice, start your own thread in the Coping with Infidelity section. Tell your story with as much detail as you can. They will give you some great advice how to dig and search if there is OM in the picture and they can also help with your emotional rollercoaster you are going thru.


----------



## bigbearsfan

turnera said:


> Have you actually snooped, followed her, stuff like that?
> 
> If there IS another man, you still have a chance at saving the marriage, if you find him and get rid of him through exposure. What have you got to lose?


:iagree:


----------



## iron14

I cracked pass code on her phone while she was sleeping before. Went through texts no sign of anyone else. She acts like I'm supposed to leave. I pay the mortgage and a lot of the bills, so I feel she should find somewhere else to stay if she feels like a prisoner. I have no tension towards her a the tension is her resentment she can't let go of. I mean she hates her older from from stuff he did in 1985 or so. I won't bring up our relationship at all even if I do I speak rationally and don't plead. I just know if the situation was reversed and I was so resentful towards her I would try to give it a shot. I just am sorry for my kids and feel I failed them.


----------



## bigbearsfan

Your missing something somewhere, go to Coping with Infidelity section and start a thread. You get the help you need.
I agree with you 100%, She wants to separate or divorce, then she needs to pack up an leave and support her own self. 
And you don't pay for anything to help get her own place or new life style. 
All you should be willing to pay for is to keep your marriage and family intact.


----------



## turnera

No, don't move out. She's the unhappy one, she can leave.

Have you put a recorder under her car seat, to see if she has a burner phone? 

Did you check the phone bill to see if the number of texts/calls line up with what's showing on her phone? Most cheaters delete the incriminating stuff.


----------



## ThreeStrikes

Also, there are texting apps like WhatsApp, Kik,and Viber that cheaters use to hide traditional texting.

Check her phone for those apps. 

Don't leave the house. She wants out? She can move. She wants to be single? Stop supporting her.


----------



## iron14

I've been going to counseling doing whatever I can to save my marriage but she's like a different person full of resentment. I'm not going anywhere. She's the one holding onto all the resentment for dear life even the dog feels it. He always ****s in the same spot in the house even though he's let outside constantly. Told her I understand where she's coming from but divorce isn't the only answer. I found a marriage website poweroftwo I think for saving your marriage. They do coaching over the phone but want $125 an hour. I'm considering it but does anyone have any experience with help like this.


----------



## ThreeStrikes

Marriage counselling only works when both partners are wanting the marriage to work.

Your wife wants out. Give her what she wants.


----------



## Blonde

iron14 said:


> I've been going to counseling doing whatever I can to save my marriage but she's like a different person full of resentment. I'm not going anywhere. She's the one holding onto all the resentment for dear life even the dog feels it. He always ****s in the same spot in the house even though he's let outside constantly. Told her I understand where she's coming from but divorce isn't the only answer. I found a marriage website poweroftwo I think for saving your marriage. They do coaching over the phone but want $125 an hour. I'm considering it but does anyone have any experience with help like this.


I wouldn't do telephone counseling and that price sounds very steep!!!

Your health insurance might cover some of the cost of professional MC.

If your wife is willing, the price for this is a bargain Marriage Help Program For Couples The weekend is a few hundred but the 7 post sessions after the weekend are totally free and cover everything you would cover in counseling and more. You don't qualify for Retrouvaille if there is a third party in the M though, so your wife will need to come clean about that. How about e-mailing her the link and ask if she would be willing to attend with you?


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## iron14

She says she wants to make everything as fair as possible. If she gives me the papers I will simply sign them. If I don't she will be enraged.


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## ThreeStrikes

Don't sign anything until you have it reviewed by a lawyer. 

Who cares if she gets enraged?


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## Tron

ThreeStrikes said:


> Don't sign anything until you have it reviewed by a lawyer.
> 
> Who cares if she gets enraged?


:iagree::iagree::iagree: Damn right!


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## bigbearsfan

ThreeStrikes said:


> Also, there are texting apps like WhatsApp, Kik,and Viber that cheaters use to hide traditional texting.
> 
> Check her phone for those apps.
> 
> Don't leave the house. She wants out? She can move. She wants to be single? Stop supporting her.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## bigbearsfan

ThreeStrikes said:


> Don't sign anything until you have it reviewed by a lawyer.
> 
> Who cares if she gets enraged?


:iagree:


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## iron14

Thank you for talking some sense into me. Yes getting them reviewed by a lawyer. I can't predict her mood swings. We're perfectly civil for a few days like hellos how was your day, and have a good nite at work to wanting to rip my head for being in my own house. I feel good knowing I'm a lot stronger than I was just a couple weeks ago. I try not to start any conversation, but try to be civil.


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## ThreeStrikes

Calm, firm, and dispassionate is where you want to be.

You cannot predict nor control her moods. You can only control you.

Be strong, and be wary of her attempts to drag you into an escalated argument.

Is she the type that would file false abuse charges, to get you out of the house?


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## turnera

iron14 said:


> If I don't she will be enraged.


So?


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## turnera

Is she bigger than you? Punch harder? Use knives when she's mad?

No?

Ignore her then.


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## iron14

No I don't believe she would file false charges. I don't know what's next. Sell house each of us grit our own condo or something. I really want to repair our marriage and make a better life, but I can't do that without her


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## turnera

As long as you're dying inside to keep her, she can tell, and she won't want you. You have to let go to even have a chance of getting her back.


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## cbnero

turnera said:


> As long as you're dying inside to keep her, she can tell, and she won't want you. You have to let go to even have a chance of getting her back.


this. 100% accurate. 

Work on and stabilize your own emotions. She will ping pong all over the place and hate on you. Let her. Control your own emotions. 

Does anyone have the "just let them go" link to post?

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## iron14

She mentioned counseling but like I said for us to move on is her intention she has so much resentment you can cut it with a knife. She is cold and I'm trying my best to be civil. But my question is I've seen this counselor 2 or 3 times should I make an appointment for us with her.


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## turnera

No, you should give your wife what she wants - freedom. 

The ONLY way she will ever want you again is if she sees you agreeing with her and leaving her alone. Part of what keeps her going this way is knowing you're dying to keep her. Once you pull that out from under her, it'll make her start wondering about you and, just maybe, caring about you again, since she suddenly can't have you. Psychology 101.


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## turnera

You're not listening to us. You keep repeating 'what can I do to keep her' and we keep telling you...you can't do ANYTHING. You can't control her.


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## Hope1964

turnera said:


> You're not listening to us. You keep repeating 'what can I do to keep her' and we keep telling you...you can't do ANYTHING. You can't control her.


:iagree: :iagree:



Hope1964 said:


> *Have you investigated whether she's boinking someone else????*


And I don't mean checking her phone. I mean seeing if she has a burner phone, seeing if she's using a texting app, and some of the other suggestions you've gotten here.

You need to LET HER GO.


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## iron14

You're right I can't control her actions only my own. Saw my therapist today she suggested I offer to see her therapist if she has one, I don't want her to feel mine is taking my side even though she is objective. She also suggested seeing a mediator before getting attorneys if and when it goes this far. It is hard to let go.


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## Hope1964

Wait - what? Your therapist suggested that you go see your wife's therapist? What the heck for? How is that *letting your wife go*???

And, I ask for the third time - *Have you investigated whether she's boinking someone else????*


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## iron14

No burner phone found. Phone itself harder to get to. Friend says she wants freedom. Kids will alright. I feel much better


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## cbnero

Forget the mediator. Do what YOU want. Get an attorney. Have her served. Take charge like a man. If you mean anything to her she will come around. The divorce will take months to be final if not more.

plenty of time to cool down. She doesny have your best interests at heart. She hates you. Does not give a crap about you. Take charge of your future and get an attorney. Stop talking to her. Dont warn her. Be a man. Move on. If she wants to come back she will. Either way it is HER decision. Protect yourself.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## iron14

Right before work she said she will move out to her parents. I can have the house if she wants. In a way I feel a little better of course I'll miss her but having a person so cold holding onto resentment they won't let go of. I'm still continuing therapy, I want to be a good dad to my kids.


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## cbnero

Ok so the situation stinks. What can you do but control your own emotions and actions. And protect yourself. 

Tell her you think that is a good idea for her to leave. The day after she is gone, send her a certified letter informing her that since this no longer her residence the home is now your private property and no one including her is allowed on the property or can remove anything off of it without your advanced written permission. Get an attorney asap and have her served.

She has made her decisions. Make yours. If the end result is divorce anyways, do you want to leave someone who hates you and is highly emotional in charge of your financial future.

Go NC. Keep seeing your own IC. Do what YOU want and dont feel guilty anymore. She is gone and NOT your friend. And she is only concerned about herselF and not you.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## iron14

Cbnero thank you to your advice. What's NC sorry don't know the abbreviations yet.


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## cbnero

No Contact = NC

Only you know what is really the best decision to make here. We are all trying to help based on our own experiences. Obviously we wish marriages would work out and not have to be here. But thats not reality.

If you elevated yourself to 50,000 feet and viewed the situation objectively, what does it look like? Trust your gut and dont let fantasy or emotion lead you down the wrong path.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## turnera

What would you tell your brother to do if he were you? 

Do that.


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