# Coming clean - need help to decide.



## jlondon (Feb 24, 2009)

Me: Male, 36, married for 11 years, 1 child aged 6.


Intro:
Before coming across this forum, I felt alone. I didn’t want to talk about my inner feelings with anyone I know. I also think marriage “professionals” are a waste of time and money who repeat what I say.

Background:
I will take my chance on this forum, who obviously maybe going through, or have been through the cross road I am about to approach.

I am British living in Southern CA. Like many others, I have grown discontent with my wife that I really see her as only a friend. However, my son has been the bond between us and I love him before anything else, including myself.

2 years ago, my wife wanted to experience living in London as I did as a young man. She took my son as she could not live alone with him. I sign the consent form and let them go thinking it will culturally develop him be close to my side of the family. Although intended to be temporary, 2 years have passed. With the current economic climate, staying there longer may be necessary. In the meantime, I remained in CA taking care of our financial commitments here (mortgage etc). I do visit them at least every 3 months. But presently, I have not seen my son since October 08.

Story:
Last year in May I met a woman, we exchanged stories, long story short, I have been sleeping with her everyday. I am addicted by her intimacy and devoted love for me. She is currently going through her own divorce, but she has no child so it’s pretty clear cut.

Admittedly, I did not have the same strong feelings for her as she did for me since I am more reserved and usually aloof around new people. Over time, I have grown to love her very deeply (to her level).

Confused:
I want to dissolve my marriage because my eyes have been opened to a possibility of affection and love. I care for my new woman because of how she loves me. I care for my wife because of the love she has for my son (although, at times she can be conniving to get want she wants and is not entirely careful about censorship on what he sees and hears). Don’t want to hurt either one, but I know one of them will.

I don’t want to lie to my wife anymore – it’s not fair on her. I know she will be devastated. I don’t know if she will retaliate. In the end I know I’ll be the bad person. Not trying to make excuses here, but I have been lonely, tired of porn, I want a new different life than the monotone and mundane one I have with my wife. We did a lot of traveling, but usually, it gets stressful with her. I want to experience these new things again with my new woman.

What I am really dreading setting the path for my son to grow up in a dysfunctional family environment. You see, I grew with divorced parents, and to this day, I despise my Dad for leaving. My mother never re0married, and is still alone at her old age.

I fear my son feeling this way towards me.

I need help.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I dont really know how your son will feel towards you, but you know divorce is hard on kids. It would be ironic if he grew up hating you. 

If you two have been living apart for that long, i really cant blame you for the affair. i wouldnt be surprised if you wife has someone, too. 

i think your new relationship will be a rocky one though.


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## acceptance (Feb 25, 2009)

not by any means do I think what you're doing is right BUT...... at the same time your situation is different than most and with the seperation and given the time frame in which you have not seen your son already its best you follow your heart and move on, no need to prolong the decision you know needs to be made, even though someone in the end will be hurt and honestly I think it will be both of you cause it seems you really did try to make this work and you are fed up and she will be hurt if for no other reason but the fact you have this wonderful son together, often times people are selfish but it seems your heart is in the right place and if you are not happy, no need to continue keeping secrets, its best to move on and set her free to move on as well


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

jlondon, don't lie to her (your wife) anymore. I don't understand people being married, and just doing this, it boggles the mind, having said that... At least you understand what you've done is not the nicest thing. Tell her and see what happens from there. Also, remember something.... 

There must have been something that attracted you to your current wife, in the beginning, and even though you think you've found greener grass.... what makes you think that you won't eventually grow bored or apart from your new love either? She will come with her own set of imperfections, and things she does, that you find intolerable, just as you described your wife, so will your girlfriend be described in a few years.... The grass is not always greener my friend. Be certain of what you're letting go, before you start painting the new one as if she's a mona lisa...... Good luck.


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

> Re: Please help
> 
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> maybe your spouse needs to move back home and then you can decide if you want to new girl still. i think it would be unfair for you to divorce now. your mind is clouded by the separation, out of sight out of mind thing, have her move back home as soon as possible and go back to being a married couple with a child. Then if you dont think she can give you what you want, as the new girl has done, you can make your decision based on facts and not fantasy.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

jlondon said:


> What I am really dreading setting the path for my son to grow up in a dysfunctional family environment. You see, I grew with divorced parents, and to this day, I despise my Dad for leaving. My mother never re0married, and is still alone at her old age.


Living apart from him and not seeing him for months. Sorry, sounds like it is already a dysfunctional parent/child relationship. If you move on with your life, without your wife, would you son disrespect you anymore the you living a lie and sleeping with a woman that is not his mother???? I see two options.

1. End the affair immediately and work on your marriage. Bring your family back together under one roof and find the love you once had for your wife.

2. End the affair immediately, tell you wife, divorce her and find yourself before you move on to a new relationship.


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## jlondon (Feb 24, 2009)

ljtseng said:


> ... It would be ironic if he grew up hating you.
> 
> If you two have been living apart for that long, i really cant blame you for the affair. i wouldnt be surprised if you wife has someone, too...



Thanks for your comments. How my son sees me in my main concern. But I want happiness too. I was alone before I met my new woman. I don't remember being "luvy-duvy" with my wife even during courtship. She and I happened so quickly, married in London so she can work, held off from having kids initially because I always thought we would separate. But the bio-clock beckoned and I conceded to her demand.


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## jlondon (Feb 24, 2009)

acceptance said:


> ... follow your heart and move on, no need to prolong the decision you know needs to be made, even though someone in the end will be hurt ... ...often times people are selfish but it seems your heart is in the right place and if you are not happy, no need to continue keeping secrets, its best to move on and set her free to move on as well



Thank you - You're right, people can be selfish. I admit that I am for wanting more. I know I have to do something. My girlfriend may even be pregnant - the 1% where the birth control does not work might be a reality. She said she will "take care of it" and not to worry, but I'm pro-life and would never let her do it. She does not want me to get hurt and anything bad to happen to me. If she is pregnant, then it's the sign and the path I must follow. It would be an on the fence decision made for me.

I've tried breaking it off with the GF before, but we can't separate from each other and I always end up back at her place.


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## jlondon (Feb 24, 2009)

marina72 said:


> ... Tell her and see what happens from there. Also, remember something....
> 
> There must have been something that attracted you to your current wife, in the beginning, and even though you think you've found greener grass......




Thank you, I like the metaphor. You make sense. I was young a personable. This might be going off at a tangent, but when we date (long distance), Me in London, she in CA, she had a fling with her ex. She called me crying and confessed. I said don't worry, no problem, thinking nothing would really become of us. But she called me persistently and 11 years later...

Don't think I can tell her until I know which person I want to end up with, I think I'm leaning towards my GF just because she's new and different and has a genuine interest in me. I know this sounds bad, but I need to be taken cared of (not just sexually, but emotionally). I feel I just live in existence, make money, pay mortgage, bills, file taxes etc... always responsibilities.


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## jlondon (Feb 24, 2009)

Yes maybe, but she wants to stay there. She'll only return for me, but then I'll know she'll be unhappy here.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Well, if you truly feel the relationship might be over, then it's best to end it with your wife, so that she can move on as well. It doesn't have to be bad, and perhaps you can both work out something where your son is happy. It will be hard, if you're going to live in separate countries, but it is not impossible. Good luck to you


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