# Value



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I recently broke up with my boyfriend. I didn’t want to, I love him but he gave me no other choice. 
Upon reflection I have realized that it wasn’t lack of love or respect, but a lack of value that was the cause. He did not value me. 

Value... relative worth or importance. When you really value something you treat it different. I like to go back to this quote... effort is a reflection of interest. 

I am writing this to make me feel better about my decision. Any thoughts are welcome


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Right decision without a doubt. 

Hopefully, you’ll be able move on now that he’s shown you who he really is.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Girl_power said:


> I recently broke up with my boyfriend. I didn’t want to, I love him but he gave me no other choice.
> Upon reflection *I have realized that it wasn’t lack of love or respect, but a lack of value that was the cause. He did not value me.*
> 
> Value... relative worth or importance. When you really value something you treat it different. I like to go back to this quote... effort is a reflection of interest.
> ...



I find the bolded comment above to be interesting, and a bit confusing. 

Is it really even possible to truly love and respect someone you don't value? Isn't valuing a person, valuing their presence in your life, actually _a prerequisite _for love and respect?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Rowan said:


> I find the bolded comment above to be interesting, and a bit confusing.
> 
> Is it really even possible to truly love and respect someone you don't value? Isn't valuing a person, valuing their presence in your life, actually _a prerequisite _for love and respect?




Maybe, maybe not. 

To me, love is selfless and it’s a reflection of who you are, not the other person (IMO). For example my exH is a narcissist, and he isn’t capable of love. He “loved” me the most he could possibly love anyone, but he wasn’t capable of being selfless and it reflected who HE was, not his feelings toward me. 

Value IMO is more about the other person. At least in your perspective. When you look up the definition of value, it’s a perceived importance of something or someone. 

So my point is that my recent X has the ability to be an amazing partner to someone he values. My exH doesn’t because he doesn’t have that ability to love, but it has nothing to do me with, it’s just whether or not I wanted to accept it.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Girl_power said:


> I recently broke up with my boyfriend. I didn’t want to, I love him but he gave me no other choice.
> Upon reflection I have realized that it wasn’t lack of love or respect, but a lack of value that was the cause. He did not value me.
> 
> Value... relative worth or importance. When you really value something you treat it different. I like to go back to this quote... effort is a reflection of interest.
> ...


I agree value.... relative worth or importance, and when you really value something you do tend to treat it better. 

Maybe what you hope was love really wasn't. Because if he has taken the time to know you. He would have be happy and able to love you and show you the value. So l do believe you saw right through this and saw it going nowhere. Except only you paying the price for the relationship. And that in it's self was reason enough. 

Example l do love my sports car, and l do treat it differently than my truck. Why, l value it differently.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

IMO, he wants the benefits of a relationship without the responsibilities that come with it. He needs to grow up and maybe someday he will. Or not. But don’t be tempted to take him back the way he is (and he may try to convince you that he’ll change, blah, blah, blah). Move on with your life and see what the future brings. But for now? No.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> I recently broke up with my boyfriend. I didn’t want to, I love him but he gave me no other choice.
> Upon reflection I have realized that it wasn’t lack of love or respect, but a lack of value that was the cause. He did not value me.
> 
> Value... relative worth or importance. When you really value something you treat it different. *I like to go back to this quote... effort is a reflection of interest.
> ...


I went back to your Thread on 'Selfishness'.


Your words:


> I think that we are just becoming more and more selfish and we don’t even realize it.


In the word, 'selfishness', is self.

We cannot escape ourselves. 

It seems...

It seems that many were early-on spoiled: not to share, or had no need to share (as an only child).

In some, the Ego looms large, it cannot discount itself.

My take: Date those that are more giving, more attentive.
My take: You likely have no chemistry with those somewhat rare birds.

Chemistry and compatibility can be different bed partners.

Present life is before our eyes.

So many beautiful things, and beautiful people.
Many now, resist anything less.

We are woke!

Being aware makes for hard decision-making in such an exciting and diverse world.

If second best cannot fly, can you even make it second base from your home plate?

How good are you?

Ahh, in other's eyes, not in your own! :surprise:

We are only as good as others allow this of us.



THRD-


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Openminded said:


> IMO, he wants the benefits of a relationship without the responsibilities that come with it. He needs to grow up and maybe someday he will. Or not. But don’t be tempted to take him back the way he is (and he may try to convince you that he’ll change, blah, blah, blah). Move on with your life and see what the future brings. But for now? No.




I am foolishly hoping he realizes my worth and changes and comes back to me. I know this is unlikely but it’s what I need to believe right now for the time being. What I do know is that I will not reach out to him. I know I deserve better. And I won’t accept him back the way he is.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Girl_power said:


> I recently broke up with my boyfriend. I didn’t want to, I love him but he gave me no other choice.
> Upon reflection I have realized that it wasn’t lack of love or respect, but a lack of value that was the cause. He did not value me.
> 
> Value... relative worth or importance. When you really value something you treat it different. I like to go back to this quote... effort is a reflection of interest.
> ...


Ok....Let's break it down. Why not. So you can get a better one next time. " I know I deserve better"

What makes you valuable?
What is your value on the sexual market place?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

StillSearching said:


> Ok....Let's break it down. Why not. So you can get a better one next time. " I know I deserve better"
> 
> What makes you valuable?
> What is your value on the sexual market place?




I don’t know what you mean but I am a catch. I have a great career and income. I’m smart, pretty, HD, moral, a good communicator, a good person, compassionate, empathetic, funny, hard worker. I don’t play games. I know what I want and I go after it.

Oh and my problem is (was in this relationship) is that I’m too nice and I’m a giver. So much that I think he felt he had all power and value I’m the relationship because I made him feel that good. 
He suffers from a false sense of entitlement.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

If you’re taking about the red pill sexual market value... I find that to be super sexist. My age is my age. I am fit and healthy. I look the way I look. The end.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@Girl_power, I think your ex took you for granted. What was it about him that you liked?

The way I've associated value in a relationship is that people will invest their time, talent, and treasures into people and activities they care about even when it's not the easiest thing to do.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Lila said:


> @Girl_power, I think your ex took you for granted. What was it about him that you liked?
> 
> The way I've associated value in a relationship is that people will invest their time, talent, and treasures into people and activities they care about even when it's not the easiest thing to do.




I agree with this. 

He was different in the beginning (as usual). I was attracted to him, we both wanted the same things in life, he was smart, we have similar backgrounds, he was mature in the sense that he didn’t want to play games and he knows he wants to get married and have kids. And he treated me really good In the beginning. He went above and beyond for me. The first fight we got into he admitted he was wrong, brought over flowed and we had a good honest conversation about it and he took responsibility. 
I think there was a turning point at a certain point in the relationship. We got into a fight, I think it was me saying something along the lines of not being happy and needing more. And from his point of view he thought he was treating me so good and basically nothing ever makes me happy so why try. That was the turning point and he stopped trying so hard. 
So I understand that I am not innocent In this.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> > @Girl_power, I think your ex took you for granted. What was it about him that you liked?
> ...


Can you elaborate... What do you think you did to make your ex stop trying?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Lila said:


> Can you elaborate... What do you think you did to make your ex stop trying?




Whatever it was... it made him feel like I didn’t appreciate him, and no matter what he did he couldn’t make me happy. So I’m sure it was me complaining and not appreciating him enough.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> > Can you elaborate... What do you think you did to make your ex stop trying?
> ...


Do you think not complaining and appreciating the things he did do would have gotten him to do the things you needed him to do to meet your needs?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Lila said:


> Do you think not complaining and appreciating the things he did do would have gotten him to do the things you needed him to do to meet your needs?




I don’t know. All I know is that he use to be great to me and I could tell he wanted to make me happy. And after this change in him they went away. I do think I can be happy with him prior to his change. But I’m afraid I messed it up and can’t change things. Especially at the expense is myself.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, he may feel that no matter what he’s able to give that it’s not enough. And that may be true for him but it doesn’t mean that it would be true for some other man you meet. You have to decide if your expectations are unreasonable or not. From what you’ve related in some of the other threads, I wouldn’t say they are. I see him as taking advantage of your willingness to give. Maybe he couldn’t keep up in that department so he gave up trying and blamed your expectations. He’s become, it seems to me, more of a user than an equal partner. 

I do think he’ll be back and at that point you’ll have a decision to make. If you don’t feel you can happily settle for what he can offer then don’t. You won’t ever be happy if you have to suppress that much of yourself in order to be with him. Maybe it will turn out that he’s willing to compromise if you will. Time will tell. But it wasn’t working the way it was so don’t repeat that.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

This reminds me of a conversation we had a while ago. See you are smarter than me. When your partner stopped making an effort to do the things that fill your needs, you left. He didn't do something, he stopped doing the things. 
Anyway I'm sorry it didn't work out. I also don't think he is going to start to value you at any time.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Gently, maybe you were not the only one in this relationship that saw a change. Nagging and complaining can take a toll on someone. It’s hard to comment when we are only getting one version of the story. If my hot, independent gf wanted me to go to Miami with her, I’d go in a heartbeat. What are we missing?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

RebuildingMe said:


> Gently, maybe you were not the only one in this relationship that saw a change. Nagging and complaining can take a toll on someone. It’s hard to comment when we are only getting one version of the story. If my hot, independent gf wanted me to go to Miami with her, I’d go in a heartbeat. What are we missing?




He can’t handle stress. At all. And he was super stressed from work. Plus he said he couldn’t go the entire time, he could only go for 4 days, and even then he said he needed to work while he was there and video in for conferences.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

What does he do for a living that he couldn’t disconnect from work for a few days? CEO’s of fortune 100 companies aren’t even that stressed. Is it just that he didn’t want to go with you? Would he have made time for his buddies if they were going to Vegas? Have you two been away together before? If so, how’d that go? If I’m asking too much, tell me the STFU. It seems like you are reflecting on this failed relationship and I’m just coming at it from a different perspective.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

RebuildingMe said:


> What does he do for a living that he couldn’t disconnect from work for a few days? CEO’s of fortune 100 companies aren’t even that stressed. Is it just that he didn’t want to go with you? Would he have made time for his buddies if they were going to Vegas? Have you two been away together before? If so, how’d that go? If I’m asking too much, tell me the STFU. It seems like you are reflecting on this failed relationship and I’m just coming at it from a different perspective.




He works in finance. I don’t know why he works so much, but has been working a lot of weekends to get stuff done. 
We have gone away together for a weekend and we have had fun. At least from my perspective.

I don’t really know what happened. Clearly he is not that Into me because of how he was treating me.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Girl_power said:


> I don’t really know what happened.


Well, isn’t finding this out the goal? That is if you want to not make the same mistakes over and over.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

RebuildingMe said:


> Well, isn’t finding this out the goal? That is if you want to not make the same mistakes over and over.




There is only one person that can answer that and I won’t contact him.
But I do think it’s bc he thinks I’m critical and too much work to make happy.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Girl_power said:


> … I do think it’s bc he thinks I’m critical and too much work to make happy.


Then he wasn't the right guy anyway. He's entitled to his opinion, but it doesn't mean he's right. I recall reading some of your posts regarding this relationship. Frankly, it sounded to me like he was somewhat lazy after awhile.

I'm sure it stinks to be dealing with a breakup during the holidays, but a new year is just around the corner. Stand strong. You did the right thing.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> I recently broke up with my boyfriend. I didn’t want to, I love him but he gave me no other choice.
> Upon reflection I have realized that it wasn’t lack of love or respect, but a lack of value that was the cause. He did not value me.
> 
> Value... relative worth or importance. When you really value something you treat it different. I like to go back to this quote... effort is a reflection of interest.
> ...


I think you will have a better life in the long run if you follow your own post here. It may be painful in the short term, bit in the long it will be worth it.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Girl_power said:


> If you’re taking about the red pill sexual market value... I find that to be super sexist. My age is my age. I am fit and healthy. I look the way I look. The end.


No I'm talking about nature.
You age is a factor as well as mine is...I'm 55.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Good for you for realizing the value in yourself to take that difficult step. I'm sorry that you're hurting; many hugs are flying your way!


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

StillSearching said:


> No I'm talking about nature.
> You age is a factor as well as mine is...I'm 55.




Well I am older than my bf. And I fact every single man in his family married a women that was older than them. Including his dad, and brother. Even his cousin who married a women 15 years older than him.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Girl_power said:


> Well I am older than my bf. And I fact every single man in his family married a women that was older than them. Including his dad, and brother. Even his cousin who married a women 15 years older than him.


Remaining single is always a good option.


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

"Whatever it was... it made him feel like I didn’t appreciate him, and no matter what he did he couldn’t make me happy. So I’m sure it was me complaining and not appreciating him enough. "

If this is true I think it is unlikely he will be back. If this is how he feels he likely thinks this is something that can't be fixed. 

Onward and upward.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@Girl_power, I don't think your break up was due to your ex valuing any less I just think you got bait and switched. He knew the kind of guy he had to be to get you to be interested in him. Once he got you, he stopped pretending. The man who was there at the end is the _real_ one. If you can't accept that version then you did the right thing by moving on. 

Enjoy your mini vacation in Miami. It's a great place to get your groove back.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Use this time to be introspective. If you were critical then you did him a favor as it is not a good quality to possess in a relationship.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

You two seem to be good people, but not the best match. I agree this is a really good time for self-reflection and to analyze the things that make you happy. Its equally important to understand the role you played in the breakdown as well as figuring out exactly what you wanted/needed from him. I swear by the Love Languages book! Its a really short read and allows for some powerful insight on your wants/needs along with your potential partners. Though you are removed from that relationship now, I bet you would learn what your previous partner needed. The complaint "nothing is ever good enough" is normally said by someone who wants to hear that they are appreciated. He probably needed more words of affirmation to feel valued/loved. 

Regardless, breakups suck and the loneliness is cold. I hope the mourning phase passes quickly and you meet someone new in 2020!


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