# the concept of flirting according to you.



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

A guy friend of mine told me that when he was married, he used to flirt with women at his work-place by complimenting them about their looks ..but it was all innocent. He said he didn't have intentions or fantasies about those women and he would always consider them friends and had no intentions to go further.

What I'm wondering is why he used the term 'flirt' when it wall all innocent?
To me, flirting is NEVER innocent [whether you're in a relationship or not]. To me flirting means to create a fantasies in your head while you speak to another person.
To me, usually flirting causes an anticipation that friendly does not. Not necessarily doing the naughty, but looking forward to being in the same room again. Flirting also leaves that person feeling really good about themselves. Being friendly is just nice. 


What is your concept of flirting?


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

1. to court triflingly or act amorously without serious intentions; play at love; coquet. 

2. to trifle or toy, as with an idea: She flirted with the notion of buying a sports car. 

I guess it depends on who the people are and what there intentions are, if any. Flirting does not always have "naughty" intentions behind it. Some people mistake "flirting" for just being nice, giving a compliment, or whatever. Some people flirt with the intention of it going further.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Flirting at work can become a SERIOUS problem very quickly. Take it from me. Unfortunately, it's how my H started his EA at work...Flirting. No such think as an 'innocent flirt' when youre married. It can turn bad very quickly especially when you aim it toward a person you already spend more time with than you do your spouse i.e. someone at work.


----------



## Good Dog (Mar 28, 2012)

My wife and I have been arguing over this issue for a while now. She used to be upset if any woman flirted with me at all, even though I did nothing in return. So I avoided it even though I used to think it was harmless. Now she flirts all the time and seeks attention, and says flirting is no big deal. I call it a double standard because of her change in attitude based on what she wants. She finally admitted that this weekend, but still we don't see eye to eye on her behavior. 

So I guess for me, flirting in terms of what she does has taken on a negative connotation and implies at least the possibility of sex, which obviously is a problem since we're married. But if others are doing it and there is truly nothing behind it except friendliness, then I suppose there isn't a problem.


----------



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Theres such a gray area with flirting, especially in the work place.

I play it safe, im just a total b!tch to everyone ....you know, just so everyone is clear and there aren't any mixed signals going on.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Good Dog said:


> My wife and I have been arguing over this issue for a while now.* She used to be upset if any woman flirted with me at all, even though I did nothing in return. So I avoided it even though I used to think it was harmless. Now she flirts all the time and seeks attention, and says flirting is no big deal. I call it a double standard becaus*e of her change in attitude based on what she wants. She finally admitted that this weekend, but still we don't see eye to eye on her behavior.
> 
> So I guess for me, flirting in terms of what she does has taken on a negative connotation and implies at least the possibility of sex, which obviously is a problem since we're married. But if others are doing it and there is truly nothing behind it except friendliness, then I suppose there isn't a problem.


Can we give some examples of flirting (word for word, action for action) so we can all be on the same page when discussing flirting?


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

There's this man at the place I work. I'm 24, he's 40 and he's married and has a son. 
Lately he's been acting kind of weird around me, complementing me about the way I dress, eyes and so on. 
He's even started texting me telling me that he wants to be my friend and that he feels different when he's around me. In addition to this, he says decided to have this job position because of me. He wants to be "friends" with me and hang out with me. 
When he leaves my offices, he turns at me while closing the door, looks at me trying to have a last eye contact. When I missed a day at work he txt-messaged me by saying that he has started to miss me. 
After that I had to make him clear that he's crossing the bounderies with me. He said he wants to be my friend, but his actions show something different.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> There's this man at the place I work. I'm 24, he's 40 and he's married and has a son.
> Lately he's been acting kind of weird around me, complementing me about the way I dress, eyes and so on.
> He's even started texting me telling me that he wants to be my friend and that he feels different when he's around me. In addition to this, he says decided to have this job position because of me. He wants to be "friends" with me and hang out with me.
> When he leaves my offices, he turns at me while closing the door, looks at me trying to have a last eye contact. When I missed a day at work he txt-messaged me by saying that he has started to miss me.
> After that I had to make him clear that he's crossing the bounderies with me. He said he wants to be my friend, but his actions show something different.


RUN


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

If you are married you should probably tell your husband about it, but for sure you need to shut this guy down in my opinion.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> If you are married you should probably tell your husband about it, but for sure you need to shut this guy down in my opinion.


No, I'm not married. I'm single.
But if I had a partner I'd definitely tell them about this.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> No, I'm not married. I'm single.
> But if I had a partner I'd definitely tell them about this.


He is showing a little bit too much interest in you IMO. Not saying he is a stalker but you need to cool his jets.


----------



## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Bring it up with your supervisor or manager. You've asked him politely to stop. He hasn't. Next stop if your manager doesn't take care of this situation is HR.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

He keeps on sending me text messages almost daily, asking how I'm doing, when I'm coming to work, when I'm leaving.
He asked me to go out with him a few times but I refused obviously.
I haven't answered to most of his text messages. I've been trying to avoid him as much as I could/can.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

sandc said:


> Bring it up with your supervisor or manager. You've asked him politely to stop. He hasn't. Next stop if your manager doesn't take care of this situation is HR.


You're right. Actually, this man knows I bring this story up to my supervisor [more over I'm his secretary so he wouldn't like to hear about this story at all]. 
I'll just wait and see what it happens. If it gets worse, I'll take the next step.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> There's this man at the place I work. I'm 24, he's 40 and he's married and has a son.
> Lately he's been acting kind of weird around me, complementing me about the way I dress, eyes and so on.
> He's even started texting me telling me that he wants to be my friend and that he feels different when he's around me. In addition to this, he says decided to have this job position because of me. He wants to be "friends" with me and hang out with me.
> When he leaves my offices, he turns at me while closing the door, looks at me trying to have a last eye contact. When I missed a day at work he txt-messaged me by saying that he has started to miss me.
> After that I had to make him clear that he's crossing the bounderies with me. He said he wants to be my friend, but his actions show something different.


Draw your boundary with him ASAP. Save his wife some heartache.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> He keeps on sending me text messages almost daily, asking how I'm doing, when I'm coming to work, when I'm leaving.
> He asked me to go out with him a few times but I refused obviously.
> I haven't answered to most of his text messages. I've been trying to avoid him as much as I could/can.


how is he texting you? Did you give him your number?


----------



## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> He keeps on sending me text messages almost daily, asking how I'm doing, when I'm coming to work, when I'm leaving.
> He asked me to go out with him a few times but I refused obviously.
> I haven't answered to most of his text messages. I've been trying to avoid him as much as I could/can.


I don't really have a good sense of what flirting is or is not versus purely innocent compliments, but what you are describing doesn't sound like flirting to me but pursuit. 

Since it is a gray area for me, and all the women I work with are my employees, so I don't compliment any of them on anything except specific work performance. It is kind of sad at times because there have been times where I wanted to say something purely friendly and personal, particularly if they look like they could use the compliment.


----------



## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

In my marriage my wife and i have agreed that flirting with others is fine (the way we define it for our relationship).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I like to flirt with women. For me it's a way to be friendly and acknowledge their attractiveness. However, I don't try to get them alone by asking to go to lunch or dinner. I tell my wife everything I say. She flirts too. It is an innocent thing with us. However, I agree, this guy is in hot pursuit.

In the workplace you should be well protected from this kind of thing. If he is a manager he has been through sexual harassment training. This is a textbook example. You hold the cards here, don't be afraid. Take it up the chain all the way to HR. As for the texts, can you block his number?


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Lovely:

Make sure you are being assertive and clear in trying to stop his advances. He is now engaging in (legally speaking) sexual harassment since you have already told him to stop.

If you have not done so, next time he approaches you say firmly and with no hint of friendliness in your tone, "John, I have told you repeatedly I am not interested in dating you. I do NOT date married men. If you ask me again, or text me ever again regarding anything OTHER THAN business, I WILL be going to the HR Dept. to report you for sexually harassing me." Then walk away. Follow up with HR if necessary....it won't do his career any good!


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Draw your boundary with him ASAP. Save his wife some heartache.


I told him to stop text messaging me about anything not work-related but he doesn't seem to care.
And as for his wife, even if there was something going on between me and him, I wouldn't be his first mistress. 
I've heard he's had a few before and they were around my age.


----------



## occasionallybaffled (Apr 12, 2012)

Personally, I don't "intentionally" flirt with others. I say intentionally because my intentions... are my intentions. I have no idea how the other person will interpret my actions. With that in mind, I am cautious with what I say and how it is said. 

Many people have met their spouse in a work environment. But the purpose of your occupation is for you to earn a living, not to be sidetracked and harassed by the opposite/same sex . Especially since you have already made your intentions clear. Stating them once should be all that is needed and anything after that... is harassment.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> how is he texting you? Did you give him your number?


I gave him my number because he wanted me to call him and tell him when boss arrives/leaves work. 
I didn't think he'd go this far and later I realised this was his excuse to try and get with me.


----------



## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I don't flirt and I expect my wife to do the same. I don't believe flirting is harmless. What's the point of it? To me its humiliating and disprespectful when its done in front of a spouse. In California unwanted flirting with a women at work can land you in HR and possibly a heap of trouble at a large Corp. I have not complimented a women on her looks at work since 1997.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Enginerd said:


> I don't flirt and I expect my wife to do the same. I don't believe flirting is harmless. What's the point of it? To me its humiliating and disprespectful when its done in front of a spouse. In California unwanted flirting with a women at work can land you in HR and possibly a heap of trouble at a large Corp. I have not complimented a women on her looks at work since 1997.


If all husbands were like you!!!

I agree. I think it's a way of cheating and disrespectful too. In no way would I accept it by someone who's already in a relationship!


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

1.) If you have not already, SAVE all the inappropriate texts he sends you.

2.) Keep a log of all the non-business related phone calls he makes to you.

You may need this if you go to HR so it is NOT a he said/she said scenario.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> 1.) If you have not already, SAVE all the inappropriate texts he sends you.
> 
> 2.) Keep a log of all the non-business related phone calls he makes to you.
> 
> You may need this if you go to HR so it is NOT a he said/she said scenario.


that's what I've done. I have saved all the txt messages he has sent me so that when the time comes I can show them to my boss.

He told me he usually deletes all the text messages on his phone because he wants to be private. I bet he has a lot of other girls to whom he sends messages, just like he's doing with me. He just doesn't want his wife to see them.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

HE sounds like a real winner.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> HE sounds like a real winner.


Maybe with other girls yes, but not with me! 
He will never win against me because I won't give him space to take things further.


----------



## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

IDK my wife says I am a big flirt but she knows I am totally harmless.


----------



## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

Flirting is poison. As the TT came out, it started with, "you know I like to flirt". I was incredibly naive and uninformed. I thought flirting was a smile or a minor touch. I didn't think about the signals it was sending and had no concept of consequences because I could never imagine my wife being anything but faithful. I had no idea of what a rush my wife got from the outside validation. There came a time when I asked, does innocent flirting include touching? Yes. Holding hands? Yes. Going out with someone when I am out of town? Yes. Still just flirting...prolonged hugging? Yes. Kissing on the mouth? Yes, still just flirting. 

A real progression. Does flirting include letting a guy touch your private parts? Yes. Does flirting include grabbing his D---? Yes. Does flirting include getting naked with another guy and rubbing each others' genitals? Yes. Does flirting include a BJ? Yes. 

Flirting, to her at that point, was everything short of intercourse. 

And, of course, intercourse eventually followed. 

We're in recovery and together. It's been difficult to get her off of this flirting drug. The battle now is stopping email and Skype and telephonic "oh, he just called to say hello and said to say hi to you". Don't worry, he knows I'm married and love you. She still doesn't understand that these words are not a stop sign but instead a flirting sign that says "let the games begin and let's get ready to rumble". 

Flirting with others has no place in a marriage. Harmless flirting with others? No such thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Going Mental (Apr 8, 2012)

This isn't flirting lovelygirl, its bordering on harrassment. Sexual harrassment is, like beauty, in the eye of the beholder. He may not even realise he is overstepping the mark (but then again he could and doesn't care - even more dangerous). If the feelings aren't mutual, then its harrassment. Flirting comes with a caveat....if its reciprocated, its attraction (even unacted upon), if its rejected but continues from the other party, its quickly becomes harrassment. Would you put up with this behaviour from someone outside of your workplace? If not, I think you have your answer. 

Also, if you don't feel you can confront this man, enlist the help on someone else you trust at work to report this to. I wish you all the best.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

JustWaiting said:


> Flirting is poison. As the TT came out, it started with, "you know I like to flirt". I was incredibly naive and uninformed. I thought flirting was a smile or a minor touch. I didn't think about the signals it was sending and had no concept of consequences because I could never imagine my wife being anything but faithful. I had no idea of what a rush my wife got from the outside validation. There came a time when I asked, does innocent flirting include touching? Yes. Holding hands? Yes. Going out with someone when I am out of town? Yes. Still just flirting...prolonged hugging? Yes. Kissing on the mouth? Yes, still just flirting.
> 
> A real progression. Does flirting include letting a guy touch your private parts? Yes. Does flirting include grabbing his D---? Yes. Does flirting include getting naked with another guy and rubbing each others' genitals? Yes. Does flirting include a BJ? Yes.
> 
> ...


Thats ALWAYS how its starts.


----------



## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

every time i have flirted it has been with an attractive woman i liked in some way either a female friend (who i likely had something with or dated before hand) or with a new female friend who i liked but didnt like me or maybe i liked and wanted to get with. Or with a girl i was with 

or with an attractive female i wished to date or be with.

I have never flirted without having some fantasy of doing something with that girl.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

JustWaiting said:


> Flirting with others has no place in a marriage. Harmless flirting with others? No such thing.


Yeah, I don't believe in such thing either. 

What your wife did was more than just flirting. It was the beginning of an intercourse. And probably, I'd consider it cheating.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Going Mental said:


> Would you put up with this behaviour from someone outside of your workplace? If not, I think you have your answer.


No, I wouldn't put up with such behaviour outside my workplace for 2 reasons:

1) he's married
2) he's way too old for me and I wouldn't date a man around that age for now.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

It depends on how you define flirting. My flaming gay neighbor has a b-day bash every year that I go to. And it's fun to get into the double entendres with some of the guys. But maybe that is an extreme example since I know I'm not going home with any of those guys.

But also my mother always welcomes a good "you're the mother, I thought you were one of the daughters." line.

I would hope that flirting doesn't always have to be a come on but just friendly banter.


----------



## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> What is your concept of flirting?


I had to think about this. I don't know that I really have such a concept. I circulate among a fair number of women. Some of them I like and so I'm friendly with. Others I don't so I'm more business-like. Some of them are pretty, others not so much. I just interact with all of them in whatever way seems appropriate and natural. 

Neither Carol or myself assesses any risk with me interacting with any female I want to pretty much in any way I want to (let's not get beyond "flirting" here). Carol attempting to limit my actions where there is no risk would be a relationship foul in both our minds.


----------



## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I don't think I buy that all flirting always leads to sexual intercourse. There are married female friends in our circle of friends (wife and I) that I flirt with sometimes. She does the same with the men. We do NOT want to have sex with them. For us flirting is safe in this context. I do not flirt in the work context because it is not safe. Women could misinterpret me and no matter how they misinterpreted what I said, it would be bad for my wife and I.

That being said, this is NOT your situation. In this context this guy definitely wants to have sex with you.

Have you gone to HR yet? If not, why not?


----------

