# When Your Wife Becomes Your Mom



## Helicon

It's official. My wife has turned into my stepmother who my wife and I use to poke fun at in our younger days. Now she's the spitting image of her. She's overweight and waddles around, dresses frumpy wearing Mickey Mouse t-shirts, sweats all over the place, is crabby most of the time, complains about every little pain and spends half her life sitting on her butt playing Farmville on Facebook and drinking Bloody Mary's. She has done a complete 180 from the woman I used to know. I guess it's coming around to bite me in the a** huh? Now I know what my father went through. He never liked the fact that my stepmother was overweight. All of us siblings used to try to get him to say something to her about it, but he was always afraid to. Now I'm the same way.


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## Mom6547

What makes you afraid?

How about you print out this post and hand it to her?


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## MarriedWifeInLove

She's that way because she's allowed to be that way.

Are there any consequences for her behavior - weight, drinking, playing Farmville - no - because she's still married and you're still sleeping next to her every night. No reason to change - she's happy and she still has you.

Upset her apple cart a bit.

Make her think that she could lose you if things don't change. Tell her that you are unhappy - exactly what the problems are - and that if X, Y and Z don't happen - then A, B and C will and mean it.

Women get fat, lazy and complacent when they feel content in their situation. They get comfortable, decide that they no longer need to keep up what they consider the facade of a desirable wife. Let her know that it's not acceptable - until then, she will be content to stay in her Mickey Mouse t-shirts, sweats, playing Farmville and drinking Bloody Mary's.

If she has changed, and recently - could it be depression or perimenopause or something else? Or has she gradually just slid into old age early?

I've never understood women that let themselves go. I've been overweight, after pregnancies and I've had stress and bad times in my life just like everyone else.

But - not only do I not live in sweats and t-shirts - I don't even own a pair of sweats or sweatpants. In fact, I only own two pair of jeans and one pair of tennis shoes. I keep my weight down, my hair cut and colored, I tan, get a monthly pedicure and manicure, keep things shaved, eyebrows taken care of and shower daily. I'm almost 51 and people will tell you I look like I'm in my late 30's - I don't mind saying it - I'm hot for my age and I know it and my husband knows it.

A lack of self-respect and confidence allows anyone (women included) to slide into a pit of self-despair where they no longer take care of themselves and care what they look like.

But it does take you - her husband - to point it out and let her know that you don't like it and that it turns you off. She can't fix something she doesn't know is a problem.

If you tell her and she blows you off, then it's not going to change and you either need to live with it and accept it or leave.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

Mom6547 said:


> What makes you afraid?
> 
> How about you print out this post and hand it to her?


:iagree:


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## WhiteRabbit

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> She's that way because she's allowed to be that way.
> 
> Are there any consequences for her behavior - weight, drinking, playing Farmville - no - because she's still married and you're still sleeping next to her every night. No reason to change - she's happy and she still has you.
> 
> Upset her apple cart a bit.
> 
> Make her think that she could lose you if things don't change. Tell her that you are unhappy - exactly what the problems are - and that if X, Y and Z don't happen - then A, B and C will and mean it.
> 
> Women get fat, lazy and complacent when they feel content in their situation. They get comfortable, decide that they no longer need to keep up what they consider the facade of a desirable wife. Let her know that it's not acceptable - until then, she will be content to stay in her Mickey Mouse t-shirts, sweats, playing Farmville and drinking Bloody Mary's.
> 
> If she has changed, and recently - could it be depression or perimenopause or something else? Or has she gradually just slid into old age early?
> 
> I've never understood women that let themselves go. I've been overweight, after pregnancies and I've had stress and bad times in my life just like everyone else.
> 
> But - not only do I not live in sweats and t-shirts - I don't even own a pair of sweats or sweatpants. In fact, I only own two pair of jeans and one pair of tennis shoes. I keep my weight down, my hair cut and colored, I tan, get a monthly pedicure and manicure, keep things shaved, eyebrows taken care of and shower daily. I'm almost 51 and people will tell you I look like I'm in my late 30's - I don't mind saying it - I'm hot for my age and I know it and my husband knows it.
> 
> A lack of self-respect and confidence allows anyone (women included) to slide into a pit of self-despair where they no longer take care of themselves and care what they look like.
> 
> But it does take you - her husband - to point it out and let her know that you don't like it and that it turns you off. She can't fix something she doesn't know is a problem.
> 
> If you tell her and she blows you off, then it's not going to change and you either need to live with it and accept it or leave.


:iagree: 

i was telling a friend there's nothing that irritates me more than women who feel just bc they've snagged themselves a husband they're ok to stop taking care of themselves.

weight gain is a tough issue though bc it could be from more than just her being lazy.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

WhiteRabbit said:


> :iagree:
> 
> i was telling a friend there's nothing that irritates me more than women who feel just bc they've snagged themselves a husband they're ok to stop taking care of themselves.
> 
> weight gain is a tough issue though bc it could be from more than just her being lazy.


I know...my weight gain came from PCOS. But I actively was involved in finding out what was wrong.

I didn't just get fat and say the hell with it.

I see women everyday that have let themselves go and I see their husbands looking at every other woman around them too.

I don't mind my husband looking, but I want him looking because some gal is hot, not because his wife looks like hell and it's wistful looking at what used to be.

I realize there may be a time when no matter what I do - I'm not going to look as good as I feel - but I'll be fighting it all the way and will try my damndest - kicking and screaming all the way...


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## WhiteRabbit

lol me too! 

i don't know how some ladies go through day after day without doing girly things to make themselves feel feminine and pretty. i realize not everyone is into outer beauty but lets get real, sometimes you NEED that outer beauty to feel good on the inside. I can be the most amazing confident woman on the planet but if I go through my days in Mickey t-shirts,sweats,and icky hair ...that confidence is going to eventually fall out the window.

crazy what a little mascara and lipgloss can do for self esteem


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## nader

the mickey mouse shirts + farmville addiction would bother me much more than the weight gain.


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## unbelievable

I wish the United States would invade Farmville, trample all the crops, burn their barns and homes, slaughter the livestock, and liberate all the mind-numbed, cute little big-eyed avatars living there. A bullet between the eyes for the moron that conceived of such an evil place.


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## WhiteRabbit

unbelievable said:


> I wish the United States would invade Farmville, trample all the crops, burn their barns and homes, slaughter the livestock, and liberate all the mind-numbed, cute little big-eyed avatars living there. A bullet between the eyes for the moron that conceived of such an evil place.


:rofl::rofl::iagree:


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## rider03

What's wrong with Mickey Mouse t-shirts? Just sayin...

My stbx is very pretty. Thin, blonde hair, great smile, looks like she's 10 years younger than her age. But she's "frumpy". Wears her hair up in a big ol' clip all the time. Baggy shirts and jeans. Doing herself a real injustice.


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## nader

I might be going out on a limb here, but something about Mickey Mouse shirt on a full grown woman just screams 'white trash' to me. It would not be as bad as Tweety Bird though.


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## Mom6547

I cannot figure how farmville keeps anyone's attention for more than a day. I played it and was like... that is IT?


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## WhiteRabbit

rider03 said:


> What's wrong with Mickey Mouse t-shirts? Just sayin...
> 
> My stbx is very pretty. Thin, blonde hair, great smile, looks like she's 10 years younger than her age. But she's "frumpy". Wears her hair up in a big ol' clip all the time. Baggy shirts and jeans. Doing herself a real injustice.


nothin is wrong with lounging in mickey if when she puts her arms up to put that 1980's clip in,the shirt comes up far enough to show the bottom half of her breasts


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## Therealbrighteyes

In one post you said you hate your wife, in another you complained about your sex life and blamed her, in this one you said she "waddles" and looks like the Step Mother you mocked. You have literally said nothing nice about her in any post. Why on Earth should she dress like a sex kitten and be motivated to change? I'd be doing alot more than Bloody Mary's if my spouse treated me like that.


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## magnoliagal

Therealbrighteyes said:


> In one post you said you hate your wife, in another you complained about your sex life and blamed her, in this one you said she "waddles" and looks like the Step Mother you mocked. You have literally said nothing nice about her in any post. Why on Earth should she dress like a sex kitten and be motivated to change? I'd be doing alot more than Bloody Mary's if my spouse treated me like that.


Now I have no idea what's really going on with the OP wife but here is a personal story. My SIL has turned into her mother too. And while I don't talk to him I can just hear my BIL complaining about it. He has no idea the part he played in it. I can easily see it because I've heard her side and I see how he treats her. Oh he isn't mean or abusive its more subtle than that. In fact overall he comes off as this great guy but he's not really (I'm observant). It's little things that he's done that have added up to her giving up. She doesn't clean house anymore, has gained a lot of weight, is crabby, and is more attached to her son that her husband. It's just sad.


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## unbelievable

If she's spending all her time on cyber crops, ignoring her husband, and being a huge, complaining grouch, where would he find a load of positive, loving feelings for her? I think most people would find such a person to be unpleasant. The OP still comes home and under the circumstanes, even that's expecting a lot.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

I'm not sure we can always blame how the husband treats their wife and relate it to the fact that she has let herself go.

It's more about the wife and her self-confidence, esteem and how she feels about HERSELF, not necessarily how anyone else views her.

I don't get treated like a princess, in fact, most of you know my story - I can get treated like crap and disposable - but, that has never given me the excuse to let myself go. 

Letting yourself go - getting lazy, fat, unkempt, etc., is more about how YOU feel about YOURSELF versus how others feel about you.

I can't always lay that at the feet of the spouse.

It's about PERSONAL responsibility - and that comes from within, not from anyone else.

To me - it's just another excuse NOT to take responsibility for letting yourself go to pot.


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## Therealbrighteyes

Saying you hate your spouse, find them repulsive both mentally and physically, and compare them to someone you mocked and loathed in the past is disgusting. There is little doubt this all plays in to why she behaves the way she does. People who are nurtured and cherished don't waste their days away in a stupor. As for personal responsibility? Totally agree. Wish she would come here because I would tell her to "man up", loose the weight and move on sister.


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## magnoliagal

MWIL I agree with you I was just throwing out an argument. My mom was like this and my dad was mean to her about it. I think she became PA and stayed heavy just to piss him off. 

I'm no one to talk though for a while I let myself go and became frumpy mom after I quit my job to stay at home. Only reason I didn't gain a ton of weight is a high metabolism. I've since seen the error of my ways and have fixed it. I lost weight, got new clothes and get my hair done regularly now.


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## Runs like Dog

If she turned into My Mom I could deal with it. I get along with my mom. She turned into HER Mom though. And she HATES her mom. And what's there to like? Not much. She's a damn harpy from Hades.


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## Mom6547

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Saying you hate your spouse, find them repulsive both mentally and physically, and compare them to someone you mocked and loathed in the past is disgusting. There is little doubt this all plays in to why she behaves the way she does.


There is loads of doubt! Getting fat and lazy is not a natural reaction to a jerky husband.


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## okeydokie

when my wife tries to mommy up on me, i tell her in no uncertain terms to back off.


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## Therealbrighteyes

Mom6547 said:


> There is loads of doubt! Getting fat and lazy is not a natural reaction to a jerky husband.


My experience is different then. Not caring about how you look often times is a direct result of your relationship. That or depression. Dunno, I doubt my husband would be a gym rat and feelin' groovy if I called him repulsive and a waddler.


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## Deejo

> People who are nurtured and cherished don't waste their days away in a stupor.


Wanna bet?



> As for personal responsibility? Totally agree. Wish she would come here because I would tell her to "man up", loose the weight and move on sister.


Doesn't matter who does what ... what matters is what you choose. She has made a choice. One that will invariably have consequences unless she makes some different choices. Same goes for him. I agree.


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## Therealbrighteyes

Deejo said:


> Wanna bet?
> 
> 
> 
> Doesn't matter who does what ... what matters is what you choose. She has made a choice. One that will invariably have consequences unless she makes some different choices. Same goes for him. I agree.


Oh, I agree. What I am saying is that it is difficult to feel motivated and have confidence when your partner feels this way about you. Repulsed? If my husband said that about me, you might as well rip my heart out. It would be that awful.


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## AvaTara539

Therealbrighteyes said:


> In one post you said you hate your wife, in another you complained about your sex life and blamed her, in this one you said she "waddles" and looks like the Step Mother you mocked. You have literally said nothing nice about her in any post. Why on Earth should she dress like a sex kitten and be motivated to change? I'd be doing alot more than Bloody Mary's if my spouse treated me like that.


That's a damn good point.

Reading this post I thought to myself, "there could be a lot of reasons why she is doing that, especially considering she was not like that in the beginning." Why is she so apathetic now, or potentially even depressed, that she has completely given up on her appearance and taken to being a drinker? Yes of course she SHOULD care about those things and be willing to work on them for the sake of your marriage, but, c'mon... I know there is way more of a story to these changed circumstances than you are posting here.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

Mom6547 said:


> There is loads of doubt! Getting fat and lazy is not a natural reaction to a jerky husband.


Then how come I'm not fat and lazy?


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## magnoliagal

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Then how come I'm not fat and lazy?


Because you are one rare woman thats why. Don't know what it's like where you live but here it's rare to find a fit and trim woman over 40. They are in the minority. Of course I do live in one of the fattest states in the country.


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## hypatia

Therealbrighteyes said:


> My experience is different then. Not caring about how you look often times is a direct result of your relationship. That or depression. Dunno, I doubt my husband would be a gym rat and feelin' groovy if I called him repulsive and a waddler.


IA. I think it can become a feedback loop, with the husband growing more frustrated with his wife's appearance, the wife reading his frustration as YOU'RE UGLY and losing all confidence in her ability to change, which amps up the husband's frustration, which "confirms" her opinion of herself as unchangeably ugly, etc...


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## Mom6547

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Oh, I agree. What I am saying is that it is difficult to feel motivated and have confidence when your partner feels this way about you.


I am thinking chicken, egg, chicken, egg... Who knows.



> Repulsed?


Call me shallow but if my husband turned into Orca and stayed that way, I would be repulsed too. That said, do we have any reason to suspect he has said that to HER? Granted if he is feeling it, it is leaking.



> If my husband said that about me, you might as well rip my heart out. It would be that awful.


My husband never said he was repulsed. And I was never that big. But he did say, we've gotten fat, yes you too, and we need to take care of it. Signed up for Weight Watchers the next day.

But if you are serious, the right advice might be how to become unrepulsed by that which repulses you?


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## Mom6547

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Then how come I'm not fat and lazy?


I said NOT! Really I did!


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## AFEH

Helicon said:


> It's official. My wife has turned into my stepmother who my wife and I use to poke fun at in our younger days. Now she's the spitting image of her. She's overweight and waddles around, dresses frumpy wearing Mickey Mouse t-shirts, sweats all over the place, is crabby most of the time, complains about every little pain and spends half her life sitting on her butt playing Farmville on Facebook and drinking Bloody Mary's. She has done a complete 180 from the woman I used to know. I guess it's coming around to bite me in the a** huh? Now I know what my father went through. He never liked the fact that my stepmother was overweight. All of us siblings used to try to get him to say something to her about it, but he was always afraid to. Now I'm the same way.


Sometimes what you see is what you get. I wouldn’t set out on a path of trying to change her, but can you accept that she’ll never change and spend the next 20, 30 years with the woman you portray?

Sometimes complaining about our spouse in the way you are is like avoidance behaviour. In that we avoid doing what we must do for our own happiness. Some paint a bad picture of their wife to make themselves look better and to avoid that deep introspection and self criticism needed before we can make changes in ourselves.

So by complaining about your wife you are probably avoiding and delaying what you know must be done for your own happiness. If you can’t take good care of yourself, if you can’t find your inner happiness, then you have zero chance of taking care of others including your wife.

Bob


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## Jamison

AFEH said:


> Sometimes complaining about our spouse in the way you are is like avoidance behaviour. In that we avoid doing what we must do for our own happiness. Some paint a bad picture of their wife to make themselves look better and to avoid that deep introspection and self criticism needed before we can make changes in ourselves.
> 
> So by complaining about your wife you are probably avoiding and delaying what you know must be done for your own happiness.
> 
> Bob


:iagree: Excellent post on this, and true! Its all about avoidance of ones self. To much focus on what the other person is doing, not doing etc, so they do not have to deal with their own issues.

I had a buddy of mine one time call me up and complain about his wife right often. I knew her to be a very nice ,kind, giving person. Of course I do not know what goes on behind closed doors. HOWEVER, when he would talk about his wife it was always in a negative sense. He focused way to much on what she was not doing, or didn't like about her, he never praised her or listed any good qualities she had. I called him out on it and told him he might want to make a list of or at least think about some of the good things she did or had done.

Start looking at her in a more positive light. It can actually start to change your perspective a little on how you see your wife. If she has no good qualities you can focus on, then maybe its time to move on and you're with the wrong person. Remember, everyone has good and not so good qualities including the people who complain about the not so good side of their spouse.


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## Helicon

Mom6547 said:


> What makes you afraid?
> 
> How about you print out this post and hand it to her?


LOL.....wouldn't that be a hoot. It would start WWIII for sure!

I'm just tired of fighting Mom. I'm getting too old to keep putting up battles. I'm all fought out. I use to love her, but I don't anymore. I'm just sick of trying to get her to change. I told her about 6 years ago (before she blew up like a balloon and became addicted to Farmville) that I wanted things to go back to the way they used to be between us. 

You know what her response was? 'Things don't stay that way forever'. Nice huh?

It's not just her appearance that has come to sicken me, but also her personality. I just find her thoroughly annoying in every way. When my daughter's boyfriend comes over she hangs out with them in the kitchen and cackles to every stupid thing he says or does like a 10 year old girl, and it's one of those loud "big course HA's" like on Seinfeld. Under my breath I'm saying to myself, 'would you shut the he** up'! I think she knows it bothers me that's why she does it. She does many little things to try to get under my skin. It's almost like she's rubbing it in my face that she prefers the company of my kids and her friends rather than me.

In all I've resigned myself to the fact things are never going to be the way the way they were. What bothers me is the fact that I don't have a partner anymore to share things with. She does her thing and I do mine. In a way it's almost like we're divorced already. We're divorced emotionally.


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## Helicon

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I keep my weight down, my hair cut and colored, I tan, get a monthly pedicure and manicure, keep things shaved, eyebrows taken care of and shower daily. I'm almost 51 and people will tell you I look like I'm in my late 30's - I don't mind saying it - I'm hot for my age and I know it and my husband knows it.


Hats off to you. You sound like a great wife who cares about her husband. That's nice to see.


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## Helicon

WhiteRabbit said:


> nothin is wrong with lounging in mickey if when she puts her arms up to put that 1980's clip in,the shirt comes up far enough to show the bottom half of her breasts


My wife has a long way to go to ever be able to do that again and look good. I won't hold my breath.


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## CallaLily

Helicon said:


> I'm just tired of fighting Mom. I'm getting too old to keep putting up battles. I'm all fought out. I use to love her, but I don't anymore. I'm just sick of trying to get her to change.
> 
> It's not just her appearance that has come to sicken me, but also her personality. I just find her thoroughly annoying in every way.



You have put much of your energy into trying to get her to change , you said so yourself. Thats one reason it wont get better. Plus you have already checked out of the marriage and sounds like your mind is made up on how you feel about her, its clear. Time to move on.


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## Therealbrighteyes

Hate her, don't love her, waddles, cackles, repulsive, sickens you. Small wonder she choices not to spend time with you. Wow.


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## Helicon

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Saying you hate your spouse, find them repulsive both mentally and physically, and compare them to someone you mocked and loathed in the past is disgusting. There is little doubt this all plays in to why she behaves the way she does. People who are nurtured and cherished don't waste their days away in a stupor. As for personal responsibility? Totally agree. Wish she would come here because I would tell her to "man up", loose the weight and move on sister.


I don't agree. It's a matter of self respect. The reason I sound so bitter is because I've tried. I've tried over and over and over again. I've bought her flowers out of the clear blue sky on occassion out of the goodness of my heart because I wanted her to know how much I appreciated everything she does. 

All I got out of her was, 'thanks'. No hug, no kiss, just thanks (and it was a half hearted one at that). What kind of BS is that?? You're not here to see what I see. She's also done things like forged my signature on documents when we bought our home without telling me she did. I didn't find out till later on. Would you do that to your husband?

Another thing. I ALWAYS defend her when the she's at odds with our kids or anyone else. She NEVER defends me for any reason, EVER, nor does she ever agree with me on anything. She always has to take the opposing viewpoint.


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## Therealbrighteyes

Helicon said:


> I don't agree. It's a matter of self respect. The reason I sound so bitter is because I've tried. I've tried over and over and over again. I've bought her flowers out of the clear blue sky on occassion out of the goodness of my heart because I wanted her to know how much I appreciated everything she does.
> 
> All I got out of her was, 'thanks'. No hug, no kiss, just thanks (and it was a half hearted one at that). What kind of BS is that?? You're not here to see what I see. She's also done things like forged my signature on documents when we bought our home without telling me she did. I didn't find out till later on. That's how much respect she has for me. Would you do that to your husband?


No I wouldn't do that to my husband. Then again he would never say he hated me, found me repulsive and thought I was stupid. Respect goes both ways.


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## trey69

When you have two spouses that feel that way about one another, then its best to each do yourselves a favor, and end it. Nothing productive is coming from any of it.


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## trey69

Therealbrighteyes said:


> No I wouldn't do that to my husband. Then again he would never say he hated me, found me repulsive and thought I was stupid. Respect goes both ways.


I have to wonder if she has picked up on how he really feels about her. You would be surprised at what a spouse can pick up on, even if a spouse is trying to hide how they really feel. If a spouse has that much hatred towards the other one, it will usually slip through the cracks somewhere along the lines, and the other spouse will pick up on it.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore

unbelievable said:


> I wish the United States would invade Farmville, trample all the crops, burn their barns and homes, slaughter the livestock, and liberate all the mind-numbed, cute little big-eyed avatars living there. A bullet between the eyes for the moron that conceived of such an evil place.


I hardly ever get on Facebook and those rare times when I do, there are tons of Farmville requests people have sent me. WTF?! I just delete them all. If I want to play a game, hanging out with my 10 year old son is more appealing to me.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore

WhiteRabbit said:


> ...... when she puts her arms up to put that 1980's clip in .......


I just had a flashback of "banana clips" when I read that. LOL!!!


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## WhiteRabbit

TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore said:


> I just had a flashback of "banana clips" when I read that. LOL!!!


:rofl: *cheering for banana clips* they made your hair look so full and thick! lmao

but didn't ya just LOVE the massive headache and funky hair when you took the clip out?!


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## Therealbrighteyes

trey69 said:


> I have to wonder if she has picked up on how he really feels about her. You would be surprised at what a spouse can pick up on, even if a spouse is trying to hide how they really feel. If a spouse has that much hatred towards the other one, it will usually slip through the cracks somewhere along the lines, and the other spouse will pick up on it.


I'm not surprised at all. His disgust comes through loud and clear to this total stranger. He has literally said not one nice thing about her. Even her laughter is a source of repulsion to him. Of course she feels it!


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## Mom6547

Helicon said:


> LOL.....wouldn't that be a hoot. It would start WWIII for sure!
> 
> I'm just tired of fighting Mom. I'm getting too old to keep putting up battles. I'm all fought out. I use to love her, but I don't anymore. I'm just sick of trying to get her to change. I told her about 6 years ago (before she blew up like a balloon and became addicted to Farmville) that I wanted things to go back to the way they used to be between us.
> 
> You know what her response was? 'Things don't stay that way forever'. Nice huh?
> 
> It's not just her appearance that has come to sicken me, but also her personality. I just find her thoroughly annoying in every way.


So why are you with her?


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## AFEH

Helicon said:


> I'm just sick of trying to get her to change.


The bad news is that that makes you a codependent, that’s what codependents do, try and get their partner to change.

The good news is it’s a far better life not being a codependent and channelling all that energy into something creative and productive, instead of wasting it on a person who simply doesn’t want to know and whose never going to change.

You’ve one heck of a lot to learn, a new way of living your life which is beyond your imagination at the moment. That is once you are no longer a codependent. Don't leave it too late when you'll no longer have the energy you need to change and you're well and truly stuck in a rut you'll never be able to get out of.

Bob


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## magnoliagal

AFEH said:


> The bad news is that that makes you a codependent, that’s what codependents do, try and get their partner to change.
> 
> The good news is it’s a far better life not being a codependent and channelling all that energy into something creative and productive, instead of wasting it on a person who simply doesn’t want to know and whose never going to change.
> 
> You’ve one heck of a lot to learn, a new way of living your life which is beyond your imagination at the moment. That is once you are no longer a codependent. Don't leave it too late when you'll no longer have the energy you need to change and you're well and truly stuck in a rut you'll never be able to get out of.
> 
> Bob


Agree wholeheartedly. He needs to read that book.


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## Mephisto

Therealbrighteyes said:


> I'm not surprised at all. His disgust comes through loud and clear to this total stranger. He has literally said not one nice thing about her. Even her laughter is a source of repulsion to him. Of course she feels it!


We all know the question about the chicken and the egg, no-one really knows which one came first. Same as the dynamic in this relationship. 

The fact is that right now, neither one of them is doing anything to make the other one WANT to change for the better, so therefore nothing is going to change. 

A person comes on this site to vent about their relationship and their frustrations and it really gets my goat when they get hateful and nasty responses from others that are really not warranted, they just make the poster feel better about their own moral high ground.

Give the guy a break, let him have his vent and maybe with the right Q&A session you can actually get on the road to a positive result. Misandristic views like yours brighteyes are not needed.


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## Therealbrighteyes

Mephisto said:


> We all know the question about the chicken and the egg, no-one really knows which one came first. Same as the dynamic in this relationship.
> 
> The fact is that right now, neither one of them is doing anything to make the other one WANT to change for the better, so therefore nothing is going to change.
> 
> A person comes on this site to vent about their relationship and their frustrations and it really gets my goat when they get hateful and nasty responses from others that are really not warranted, they just make the poster feel better about their own moral high ground.
> 
> Give the guy a break, let him have his vent and maybe with the right Q&A session you can actually get on the road to a positive result. Misandristic views like yours brighteyes are not needed.


That wasn't misandry. If I am unfamiliar with somebody here, I read their other posts before I respond. In a previous thread he talked about finding a new car first before trading in the old one and why can't that be true of relationships. He isn't looking to figure out what needs repairing on the car he already has, he is looking for a reason to buy a new one. 
I wasn't being nasty or hateful. I was pointing out that he chooses to find everything wrong with his current vehicle. It sputters, needs a major engine overhaul and 22's. A little time and effort and seeing a diamond in the rough can net you a gem, a gem that by his own words worked very well for many years. Or he can trade it in for a new vehicle, one that he will make payments on AND repairs.


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## okeydokie

Therealbrighteyes said:


> That wasn't misandry. If I am unfamiliar with somebody here, I read their other posts before I respond. In a previous thread he talked about finding a new car first before trading in the old one and why can't that be true of relationships. He isn't looking to figure out what needs repairing on the car he already has, he is looking for a reason to buy a new one.
> I wasn't being nasty or hateful. I was pointing out that he chooses to find everything wrong with his current vehicle. It sputters, needs a major engine overhaul and 22's. A little time and effort and seeing a diamond in the rough can net you a gem, a gem that by his own words worked very well for many years. Or he can trade it in for a new vehicle, one that he will make payments on AND repairs.


you really dont know that she would change no matter what he does. i would also assume she can think quite well for herself and probably knows her image is less than desirable, how is it that HE needs to force change in her? or is she maintaining this appearance to mkae him leave?


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## Therealbrighteyes

okeydokie said:


> you really dont know that she would change no matter what he does. i would also assume she can think quite well for herself and probably knows her image is less than desirable, how is it that HE needs to force change in her? or is she maintaining this appearance to mkae him leave?


Oh don't get me wrong, I fully agree she needs to change for herself. Totally agree. I can't imagine it helps with her self esteem to be viewed in such light though.


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## okeydokie

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Oh don't get me wrong, I fully agree she needs to change for herself. Totally agree. I can't imagine it helps with her self esteem to be viewed in such light though.


if he lied about how he feels about her, he would be...well....lying. i know there are ways to get the point across without being abusive, but does he really need to back off to help her self esteem?

one issue alot of guys have is giving too honest of an opinion. i can tell my best friend he stinks, looks like death warmed over, acting like a drunken idiot, etc... and there is zero ramifications on our friendship. why the OP wife ignores and gets hurt about his honesty may just that his delivery is wrong. but she maintains her appearance.


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## trey69

There is nothing wrong with him giving his 'honest opinon" on how he feels about her. Whether he is disgusted by her, can't stand her, she doesn't do this or that, shes over weight, has a poor personality etc. What matters is, if that is how he feels, then he needs to end things. Do himself and favor and her. Its pointless to blame, and give out a bunch of put downs.


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## Mom6547

Mephisto said:


> The fact is that right now, neither one of them is doing anything to make the other one WANT to change for the better, so therefore nothing is going to change.


The OP does not want to change. He wants HER to change. That and $20 will get the guy a Starbucks.

So he comes here and whines.



> A person comes on this site to vent about their relationship and their frustrations and it really gets my goat when they get hateful and nasty responses from others that are really not warranted, they just make the poster feel better about their own moral high ground.


Well it depends. Some people give sweetness and light, and some give a dope slap. Some people need sweetness and light, and some need a dope slap. You never know which is which, but they do sometimes get together to good effect.



> Give the guy a break, let him have his vent and maybe with the right Q&A session you can actually get on the road to a positive result. Misandristic views like yours brighteyes are not needed.


It does seem that there is a propensity in that direction sometimes.


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## Therealbrighteyes

Mom6547 said:


> It does seem that there is a propensity in that direction sometimes.


Had it been a woman saying the same things about her husband, I would have been just as harsh and I have many times before.


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## Helicon

Therealbrighteyes said:


> No I wouldn't do that to my husband. Then again he would never say he hated me, found me repulsive and thought I was stupid. Respect goes both ways.


How do you know what your husband thinks? Do you read minds?

I'm sure he's thinking happy happy thoughts about you when you're in a argument. Give me a break.


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## Therealbrighteyes

Helicon said:


> How do you know what your husband thinks? Do you read minds?


No, it's in his actions. Like I said before, you aren't looking for answers, you are looking for an excuse to move on. Please do. You and she will be better off for it.


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## Mephisto

Mom6547 said:


> The OP does not want to change. He wants HER to change. That and $20 will get the guy a Starbucks.


I understand that it is harsh to expect all the change to come from one partner, but when that partner has already made large changes AWAY from what is desirable in the relationship, be they behavioural, attitudinal or cosmetic, I do not think it to be an unreasonable expectation.

And for the record, if I need to fix my car, I don't need it's cooperation or it's permission to do what I have to do to make it run like a dream. A marriage is different in that the partner has to fix themselves...... unless your car is "Christine" that ain't gonna happen.


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