# When Fun is the Hard Part



## hugeshantz (Jun 8, 2021)

I love to travel internationally. It is my greatest passion. I speak 4 languages. I've visited 85 countries. I am thrilled and impassioned by the prospect of traveling to a new part of the world. Nothing makes me feel alive like travel. It is a huge part of who I am.

My wife and I got married 6 years ago. I talked at length about my interest in travel from the very first day we met. While we were dating we talked about all the amazing trips we would do together. (Or, at least, I thought we talked about it. In retrospect, I likely talked all about the amazing trips we'd do while she smiled and nodded.)

Shortly after getting married I discovered that my wife hates to travel. She hates the discomfort of being in airplanes, rental cars, etc. She hates being away from home. She has almost zero interest in foreign cultures. She was raised in a family that is very responsible and very caring, but they also exhibit some amount of racism and xenophobia. They believe that it is prohibitively dangerous to visit Mexico or Africa; regardless of what the statistics might say. She believes the same.

Eleven years ago I began investing in real estate with the objective of one day being able to quit my job to travel abroad with my family for four or five months every year. The real estate investments did well, and at the age of 38 I now am in a position to provide an exceptionally comfortable life for my wife while also being able to leave my job and travel. This has been a lifelong dream of mine. I've worked hard for it. I will quit my job in July and we will spend three months in Europe together, then maybe a month in Japan later this year. My wife is dreading it.

Travel is the greatest source of contention in our marriage. My wife hates it. She speaks overwhelmingly negatively about it. I can hardly raise the issue of travel without it turning into a fight. I can't share my dreams with my wife. I have to bottle them up. There is a lot of silence in our marriage. We do have some good times together, but I constantly want to talk about my dream of travel, and she wants nothing to do with it. Silence is a preferable alternative to fighting.

Admittedly, asking my wife to spend five months a year away from home to support my interest is a lot, but I take great care of her. I've contributed $100,000 or so towards her interests, she'll never have to have a job, and I feel she could be more positive about this. I also feel strongly that we not spend months apart each year as a family. Thoughts?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

It sounds like you married someone with whom you are fundamentally incompatible on at least one major point. As you say, when dating you talked a lot about travel and she mostly smiled and nodded. People who love to do something generally find a way to do it, with or without a partner. So anyone who says they love to do something but _never_ do it, probably don't actually love to do that thing. You missed the fact that her never having travelled extensively before meeting you and having no real apparent interest in other cultures, were glaring red flags. 

Just to clarify, have you two actually traveled together and she hates it? Or does she simply hate the idea of travel but has never actually tried it? Would she be more amenable to traveling nationally, rather than internationally, as a sort of starting point?


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## hugeshantz (Jun 8, 2021)

Rowan said:


> It sounds like you married someone with whom you are fundamentally incompatible on at least one major point. As you say, when dating you talked a lot about travel and she mostly smiled and nodded. People who love to do something generally find a way to do it, with or without a partner. So anyone who says they love to do something but _never_ do it, probably don't actually love to do that thing. You missed the fact that her never having travelled extensively before meeting you and having no real apparent interest in other cultures, were glaring red flags.
> 
> Just to clarify, have you two actually traveled together and she hates it? Or does she simply hate the idea of travel but has never actually tried it? Would she be more amenable to traveling nationally, rather than internationally, as a sort of starting point?


During our 6 years of marriage we have been on about 10 international trips together and many short trips in the United States as well. I put a lot of effort into trying to make the trips as comfortable and easy as possible for her, and to find things she might be interested in, but it's a battle. Traveling with her is hell. She constantly complains about everything she hates about it. It's so difficult to enjoy it with her.

I recognize that I missed the fact that she didn't love travel when we were dating, but she did present herself as someone who was excited to travel with me. She also had been on a two-week trip to England with her university. I didn't suspect that she was uninterested, and I certainly didn't suspect that she hated it. Regardless, the decision to marry her has already been made.

Specifically, I am looking for the best way to manage this situation. We married each other and we will stay married. We have a young daughter and for her benefit and ours, we will make our marriage as good as it can be. I am looking for a solution to help make things easier. I appreciate the input.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

hugeshantz said:


> She was raised in a family that is very responsible and very caring, but they also exhibit some amount of racism and xenophobia. They believe that it is prohibitively dangerous to visit Mexico or Africa, for example; regardless of what the statistics might say. She believes the same.


Neither of those things are racist or xenophobic at all, so unless there’s way more there - just don’t.



hugeshantz said:


> Admittedly, asking my wife to spend five months a year away from home to support my interest is a lot, but I take great care of her. I've contributed $100,000 or so towards her interests, she'll never have to have a job, and I feel she could be more positive about this.


I love to travel as well, but 5 months a year away from home is a lot for most people, let alone someone who doesn’t like travel.

I totally get your dream, but it sounds incompatible with your wife. You need to determine if there is some middle ground that would be acceptable to both of you - without whining and negativity.
Maybe it’s only 3 months a year and you create 3 itineraries that you like, and she gets to pick the one you do.
If not, you need to decide if you’re willing to forego your dreams for her. I wouldn’t recommend it.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

hugeshantz said:


> Specifically, I am looking for the best way to manage this situation. We married each other and we will stay married. We have a young daughter and for her benefit and ours, we will make our marriage as good as it can be. I am looking for a solution to help make things easier. I appreciate the input.


I completely understand you. I'm nomadic, so travel is my lifestyle.

If it were me, I'd sit her down and have an honest, frank conversation with her.

Consider telling her that you'd love to travel with her, doing things that you'd both enjoy, but if she'd truly rather not go, then you'll simply go on your own.

You can't force her to like traveling, but you can go without her.

Maybe if she gets left a few times, (meaning you follow through), then perhaps she'll change her mind. If she doesn't, then at least you can enjoy your trips without the complaints.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

That damn hindsight sure is 20/20. It was always YOU talking about travel, never her. 

Anyways, as Dude has said, do NOT give up your dreams for her or any woman for that matter. Plus, you've been married 6 yrs, what state/province are you in? You want to be careful because the last thing you want to do is be forced to support her for the rest of her life. It's great she doesn't have to work but that will not be in your favor in court. God forbid precious woman has to work and support herself.


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## hugeshantz (Jun 8, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Neither of those things are racist or xenophobic at all, so unless there’s way more there - just don’t.


What about laughing about how black people look like monkeys? What about saying that interracial marriages should never happen? What about mocking the way Chinese people speak? Are those things racist enough for you?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

hugeshantz said:


> What about laughing about how black people look like monkeys? What about saying that interracial marriages should never happen? What about mocking the way Chinese people speak? Are those things racist enough for you?


Hence the caveat “ unless there’s way more there” than what was originally cited as examples.


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## hugeshantz (Jun 8, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Hence the caveat “ unless there’s way more there” than what was originally cited as examples.


I realize that what I presented as a concern (Mexico/Africa is too dangerous for travel) could be easily misinterpreted as an example of racism. I did not intend for it to be an example. I should have worded the post differently. 

I did not want to share the info about my in-laws' racism in the original post, hence, I left it out.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

You two are incompatible. Where you a step-up in the social and economical ladder for her? if yes, you got the answer as to why she used to just nod and smile at all your comments about your dreams. regardless, in the long run as time goes by, most likely she will resent you to an unsustainable point for the relationship. 
Why don't you ask her if she wants out? see what she says.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I’ll be blunt, sounds like she got with you for the money. 

She definitely did not follow you into your world or has any desire to participate in your passions. 
For being multilingual and well traveled and financially successful , you seem a little naive and gullible where she is concerned. 

For me, the thought of being hauled around the globe to 3rd world and developing nations for months out of the year sounds like hell on earth to me and I am not racist or xenophobic,, it just sounds like a pain in the arse.

So that brings me back to why did she even want to get with you in the first place???

A guy with $$$ that makes it so she doesn’t have to work but is gone off globetrotting all the time???? 

Yyeeeeaaahhhh, I’d be wondering just what it is she’s doing back home while you’re gone.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

hugeshantz said:


> During our 6 years of marriage we have been on about 10 international trips together and many short trips in the United States as well. I put a lot of effort into trying to make the trips as comfortable and easy as possible for her, and to find things she might be interested in, but it's a battle. Traveling with her is hell. She constantly complains about everything she hates about it. It's so difficult to enjoy it with her.
> 
> I recognize that I missed the fact that she didn't love travel when we were dating, but she did present herself as someone who was excited to travel with me. She also had been on a two-week trip to England with her university. I didn't suspect that she was uninterested, and I certainly didn't suspect that she hated it. Regardless, the decision to marry her has already been made.
> 
> Specifically, I am looking for the best way to manage this situation. We married each other and we will stay married. We have a young daughter and for her benefit and ours, we will make our marriage as good as it can be. I am looking for a solution to help make things easier. I appreciate the input.


I traveled once with a friend who complained about a lot of stuff, and that was the first and last trip that I went on with her. The fact that your wife is such a negative person when you guys have traveled together would be it for me. If it's hard for you to enjoy the trip that you worked hard to pay for when you go with her, I would just stop traveling with her. How old is your daughter? Perhaps she'd be a happier and more enjoyable travel companion?

Unfortunately, I feel like this is an example of the old bait-and-switch. When your relationship started, she did a lot of smiling and nodding when you spoke of travel plans for the two of you. She probably liked you, wanted to build a life with you, and didn't want to do anything that would jeopardize that. So, she lied and pretended to have an interest. Then, when you got married, she did the ole switcheroo. Happened to me too, but with different issues, and it really, really sucks. A lot of people out there think that this is THE way to behave, when it's not; it's so much better to just be up-front and honest. 

I wish you the best of luck! Oh, I had another thought: could you go with a friend instead of your wife or daughter?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

hugeshantz said:


> What about laughing about how black people look like monkeys? What about saying that interracial marriages should never happen? What about mocking the way Chinese people speak? Are those things racist enough for you?


Wow. That makes me so sad. Sad for the people she's mocking, and sad for your wife that she's so small-minded.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

A lot of women like the idea of traveling or being with a certain kind of guy. But they haven't ever put any serious thought or actions behind it.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

hugeshantz said:


> What about laughing about how black people look like monkeys? What about saying that interracial marriages should never happen? What about mocking the way Chinese people speak?


I assume you are referring to your wife's family when you posted ^^this^^. Does your wife share similar outlooks on people of color?


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## hugeshantz (Jun 8, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> I assume you are referring to your wife's family when you posted ^^this^^. Does your wife share similar outlooks on people of color?


My wife has said nothing that I can remember regarding interracial marriages (that was her mom), but the other actions were specific to my wife. Racism is a nuclear topic in our marriage. If it comes up, it's an instant, massive fight. I've very forcefully raised my concerns with her regarding these actions, and she has stopped the behavior but will not acknowledge that it is racist. 

Perhaps the larger concern I should have is regarding her racism rather than her lack of interest in travel. It's easy just to not talk about racism, though. It's impossible not to talk about travel when we are doing it constantly.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

hugeshantz said:


> My wife has said nothing that I can remember regarding interracial marriages (that was her mom), but the other actions were specific to my wife.


Given your response, it sounds like your wife's opinion of black people is they resemble monkeys. She also mocks the way Chinese speak.

Sorry, dude, but your problem with your wife stems from something far more serious than her lack of enthusiasm for travel.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

hugeshantz said:


> What about laughing about how black people look like monkeys? What about saying that interracial marriages should never happen? What about mocking the way Chinese people speak? Are those things racist enough for you?


HOLY ****.

Well, I couldn't remain in a relationship with someone like that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

hugeshantz said:


> I realize that what I presented as a concern (Mexico/Africa is too dangerous for travel) could be easily misinterpreted as an example of racism. I did not intend for it to be an example. I should have worded the post differently.
> 
> I did not want to share the info about my in-laws' racism in the original post, hence, I left it out.


So your in laws said those things not your wife? 

Ok so you like travel. Can you agree to go on normal trips for say 2 or 3 weeks at a time? Why does it have to be for nearly half a year? Not many people would want to actually leave their home, family and friends for that long. To actually spend half their life abroad. 
A couple we are friends with like travelling, they go abroad about 3-4 times a year but not usually for more than 2 or 3 weeks. It works well for them as they have other things in their life at home as well. Could you maybe get more involved with things where you live as well? That way you will have more things to think about than travel all the time.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I loosened up a lot with travel when I started flying only business or first class and staying mainly at Ritz Carlton, Four Seasons, or the local equivalent. Hiring cars online to take me from the airport to whatever town I am going to and picking me up on the way back.

I also generally hate travel and my wife likes it. She would maybe only travel 4 weeks a year so I’d just get her travel buddies to go with her and I didn’t care if she paid for them or whatever she needed to do.

When she wants to go to countries I’m not cool with I make sure she goes on something like Viking and goes with a buddy so that nothing bad happens.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

If I had a partner who made plenty of money, and I didn't have to work, I'd be more than happy to travel like that.

Your wife isn't one of those people though.

What can you do? Seems you are in a tight spot.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> I’ll be blunt, sounds like she got with you for the money.
> 
> She definitely did not follow you into your world or has any desire to participate in your passions.
> For being multilingual and well traveled and financially successful , you seem a little naive and gullible where she is concerned.
> ...


Like the man said, you really need to figure out if she really wants to be a part of your world, or just your resources.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

hugeshantz said:


> I love to travel internationally. It is my greatest passion. I speak 4 languages. I've visited 85 countries. I am thrilled and impassioned by the prospect of traveling to a new part of the world. Nothing makes me feel alive like travel. It is a huge part of who I am.
> 
> My wife and I got married 6 years ago. I talked at length about my interest in travel from the very first day we met. While we were dating we talked about all the amazing trips we would do together. (Or, at least, I thought we talked about it. In retrospect, I likely talked all about the amazing trips we'd do while she smiled and nodded.)
> 
> ...


I briefly dated a man who loves to travel. When he is not traveling, he is planning the next trip. He works and saves just to spend his money on trips. We were very compatible on many levels: we connected on the emotional level, on the intellectual level, and we had a lot of interests in common except travel. Don't get me wrong: I love to travel, but my job doesn't allow me a lot of travel throughout the year, while his job does. He is self-employed and he can manage his hours and he can work online while traveling too. I like to discover new places and cultures, but home is important for me. I need to spend more time at home than traveling. So after two dates and a lot of phone conversations I told him we need to stop dating and he needs to find someone who loves to travel like him. We were getting attached to each other very quickly because we basically were finishing each other's sentences.

You and your wife, like everyone has been saying, are incompatible. Sounds like you don't have children, and this makes it much easier to divorce. It also sounds that you come from very different families and you had a very different upbringing each, and we are the products of our families, so travel is just a symptom of your incompatibility. It runs deeper and it would be better for you to find a good travel companion that shares your passion.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I am reading this: I love travel I love travelling, I have been travelling to so many countries, it’s my passion I have planned my life and my future so that I can travel and so on and so on.

Then... you talk about your wife. Complain actually.

it is clear what/who you love more, and what you are married to - travelling. Yes you are ‘in a relationship with travelling’.

That much is clear. So what will you do about the wife, the marriage, the kid?

I’m not berating you by the way, it’s totally ok to be passionate about something and to want to marry someone similar. But probably wasn’t smart to get married eh? Steve and Bindi Irwin doesn’t happen a lot in real life, sorry.

My close friends travelled the world a lot, both very passionate! Both of them! Delayed kids, built their life around it. Then they had a kid, all cool til kid had to start school and then one of them had to grow up. 😕 The wife was expressing smiles and concerns a while back, and they did divorce when he just didn’t see what was wrong with child going to school in Vietnam for 6 months and Germany for 8 months and then back home a bit and then school for kiddo at wherever next. He too suggested she might be racist... well, she was from a third-world country and a refugee, so she had some concerns there. They did divorce, she was devastated, not sure what happened to him though, we lost contact years back.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

My husband and I love to travel too. I knew I couldn't be married to someone who didn't like to travel. 

We were a little more adventurous before having kids. We have plenty of stories! I would love to move my family to a Spanish speaking country for a little bit so they get fluent in the language. We are looking into retiring outside the US. I wanna live in a little Mexican town. 

I'm sorry but you and your wife are not a good match. She doesn't share your passion for traveling. She should have told you this before getting married. Have you asked her why she made you believe she liked traveling? I'm guessing she saw your wallet and she figured you would change for her and your kids. SMH...

Unless you both reach a compromise between staying home and traveling I don't see you having a happy marriage. You guys have very different interests.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

hugeshantz said:


> During our 6 years of marriage we have been on about 10 international trips together and many short trips in the United States as well. I put a lot of effort into trying to make the trips as comfortable and easy as possible for her, and to find things she might be interested in, but it's a battle. Traveling with her is hell. She constantly complains about everything she hates about it. It's so difficult to enjoy it with her.
> 
> I recognize that I missed the fact that she didn't love travel when we were dating, but she did present herself as someone who was excited to travel with me. She also had been on a two-week trip to England with her university. I didn't suspect that she was uninterested, and I certainly didn't suspect that she hated it. Regardless, the decision to marry her has already been made.
> 
> Specifically, I am looking for the best way to manage this situation. We married each other and we will stay married. We have a young daughter and for her benefit and ours, we will make our marriage as good as it can be. I am looking for a solution to help make things easier. I appreciate the input.


I missed this post by you when I wrote my previous post. I had assumed from your first post that you don't have children together. You want to make it work for your daughter. I suggest you make less or shorter trips for now and postpone your big travel plans until your daughter is older. You don't want to break your family just to be able to spend more time traveling, do you? Compromise with your wife to keep your family together.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I am one who can relate to your wife; I’m not a fan of travel either. It is difficult to understand how such different views on travel came together and only became an issue after marriage.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Do you like to gamble?

Ja, oder nein?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I am gobsmacked that people are really suggesting OP end his marriage over this. Seriously? There's no abuse, violence or infidelity. His wife doesn't like travelling but he does, so oops, incompatible - divorce! Omfg.

The racist part, he would have known about that prior to marriage, and married her regardless. That's on him.

OP, very few people are able or want to travel for months at a time. That's a long time to be away from home. There has to be compromises on both sides here. Take shorter trips, put the longer ones on hold until your daughter is older. Who knows? She may share your love of travel and the two of you can travel together when she's older.

Don't divorce over something like this.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

PS - I also am not a fan of flying, cramped seats and breathing stale air in for hours on end...yuck. No thanks. Give me a road trip any day.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Also love travelling btw, we did it a lot when we had one child (husband is a migrant). We did a few big trips and long stays with one child, and cooled it down because the flights and trips away became very disruptive to our child’s life. Small things like missing school photos, and jetlag, the bigger things just got bigger. By the age of 11, he was done (he did 2 international trips with dad while I was at hone with the younger ones) 

When the other kids came along and got older we just stuck to road trips. Our early travelling did have a detrimental affect on our oldest sadly, he has no desire to get on a plane or see the world and I do feel a lot of guilt here for this.

Interestingly it was ‘the goodbyes’ he couldn’t cope with, he said he couldn’t emotionally deal with getting used to a place (we have family all over the world that we stay with) and then having to leave, jet lag. Absolutely hates it now 😔

Im not suggesting divorce, but it is clear where his true love lies, I do feel for his wife and child because he doesn’t speak lovingly of her, isn’t really even talking much about the child (they’re all an afterthought aren’t they, he writes very little about any loving feelings, wife he complains about and mention of child, very indescript language) his every breath and word speaks of where his number one love will always be. Travel. Sometimes you see more from a person in what they DON’T talk about.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

frusdil said:


> I am gobsmacked that people are really suggesting OP end his marriage over this. Seriously? There's no abuse, violence or infidelity. His wife doesn't like travelling but he does, so oops, incompatible - divorce! Omfg.


He is in a relationship with travel, he’s not ‘married’ in any sense of the word to a human... just on paper. Divorce is probably not the answer, but this is not a marriage between two people, she is not the love of his life. She knows this.


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## hugeshantz (Jun 8, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Also love travelling btw, we did it a lot when we had one child (husband is a migrant). We did a few big trips and long stays with one child, and cooled it down because the flights and trips away became very disruptive to our child’s life. Small things like missing school photos, and jetlag, the bigger things just got bigger. By the age of 11, he was done (he did 2 international trips with dad while I was at hone with the younger ones)
> 
> When the other kids came along and got older we just stuck to road trips. Our early travelling did have a detrimental affect on our oldest sadly, he has no desire to get on a plane or see the world and I do feel a lot of guilt here for this.
> 
> ...


This was an exceptionally judgemental post. I love my wife and I said specifically that I intended to stay with her regardless. I also love my daughter deeply. Every month since she was born nearly 2 years ago I have made a video about her. It takes me 10 to 15 hours a month. I have done it every single month. I’ve done much more to show my love for her as well.

Don’t tell me that I don’t love my daughter. You wouldn’t appreciate it if people told you you didn’t love your kids.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

hugeshantz said:


> This was an exceptionally judgemental post. I love my wife and I said specifically that I intended to stay with her regardless. I also love my daughter deeply. Every month since she was born nearly 2 years ago I have made a video about her. It takes me 10 to 15 hours a month. I have done it every single month. I’ve done much more to show my love for her as well.
> 
> Don’t tell me that I don’t love my daughter. You wouldn’t appreciate it if people told you you didn’t love your kids.


I absolutely would appreciate it - I would listen and really think, and ask what made them think this, maybe outsiders really do something we don’t and we can learn from it. We can all be better parents, nobody is perfect! In 10 years time, what will your daughter think of this, if travelling means so much to you. If she were to read these posts as a young lady, what will she come away with?

When you are at home with her, sad because you want to be elsewhere all the time, what will she see on your face? I’m not at all judging you - I’m actually imploring you to think about this from a different perspective. If you had say, sent this as a synopsis of a new bestselling novel, what would the editor see as the final chapters of the novel?

I was talking more at length, several times about what your true love is. And didn’t specifically say ‘you don’t love your daughter’. Those words are yours, and you seem very defensive, I am a fellow former traveller remember.

Really read over your writing, which is lovely, and see the use of language, where the passion is focussed. Read also what you are not saying. And where you are becoming angry - that will tell you a lot.

I hope it works out for you all, as Tolstoy said, all happy families are alike...


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## hugeshantz (Jun 8, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> I absolutely would appreciate it - I would listen and really think, and ask what made them think this, maybe outsiders really do something we don’t and we can learn from it. We can all be better parents, nobody is perfect! In 10 years time, what will your daughter think of this, if travelling means so much to you. If she were to read these posts as a young lady, what will she come away with?
> 
> When you are at home with her, sad because you want to be elsewhere all the time, what will she see on your face? I’m not at all judging you - I’m actually imploring you to think about this from a different perspective. If you had say, sent this as a synopsis of a new bestselling novel, what would the editor see as the final chapters of the novel?
> 
> ...


I don’t know where you’re coming from. I’m not angry. I do not want to be elsewhere all the time. I want to be with my family. I wrote this post specifically because I don’t want to travel without them. I’m looking for ideas.

You very strongly implied that I do not love my daughter. These are your exact words: “it is clear where his true love lies”. That is horribly judgemental, horribly false, and horribly inappropriate. Own it.

Can you write 10 words without being accusatory?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

‘It is clear where his true love lies’ is not ‘you don’t love your daughter.’ It’s not accusatory or judgemental and I have tried to use some gentler language. I’ll say it just one very last time, I am not sure of your love for your daughter - I am simply certain of your love for travelling. 

It’s good to see the anger coming out, keep it going. Anger is useful.


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## hugeshantz (Jun 8, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> ‘It is clear where his true love lies’ is not ‘you don’t love your daughter.’ It’s not accusatory or judgemental and I have tried to use some gentler language. I’ll say it just one very last time, I am not sure of your love for your daughter - I am simply certain of your love for travelling.
> 
> It’s good to see the anger coming out, keep it going. Anger is useful.


My anger is directed at you because you are ridiculous. I’m not angry with anything else.


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## hugeshantz (Jun 8, 2021)

.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, you're looking for a way to make your wife be different. I'm afraid that's not something that's going to be possible. You can't make her change, you can only control yourself. 

She's not going to suddenly start enjoying travel. So, you'll need to decide if putting up with her making travel "hell" is worth it to you. If getting to travel is worth putting up with her while doing it, then travel as a family. If it's not, then you'll need to either stay home with her or travel without her. I will agree with others, though, that traveling for _months_ at a time isn't something you're likely to find many people enthusiastic about, particularly not people with children at home or even the children themselves. 

Do be aware that staying home with your family may make _you_ miserable. Traveling together will certainly make _her_ miserable - and you by extension because of her attitude towards it. But, traveling solo is also likely to eat away at your marriage because significant time apart erodes the love and closeness in a relationship, leads to parallel lives rather than a shared one, and leaves both parties very open to temptation. 

This is the nature of incompatibility - that there is no easy answer to fix it. Only you can decide what you want for your life. Maybe that looks like being settled when your daughter is young, with only occasional trips of relatively short duration, and saving the 6-months-in-Borneo sorts of adventures for when your daughter is out of the house. Just know that your wife still probably won't want to travel even once your daughter is grown.

Oh, and as for her being a racist....well, you knew what you were getting on that front when you married her, so...... 🤷‍♀️


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

hugeshantz said:


> What about laughing about how black people look like monkeys? What about saying that interracial marriages should never happen? What about mocking the way Chinese people speak? Are those things racist enough for you?


OP, you and your wife got married hoping each to change the other. You knew she hates to travel, but overlooked it thinking that you would change her. She knew you were passionate about traveling and she hoped to change you. You both found out that it is impossible to change another person against their wishes, but now you have a daughter that you each love, but your incompatibility is still there. In your post, your resentment toward your wife is apparent and you make a lot of effort to express how hard it is to plan and go on trips with her because she hates it. You didn't suddenly discover that she hates it AFTER marriage; you knew it when you were dating her but decided that you could change her later.
You also try to attribute her hate for travel to some xenophobia that might have originated in her family. It might be the case, but it might not. We don't have access to her side of the story, and we are trying to help you with what info you are feeding us.
What you mentioned about her family is a form of racism and xenophobia, but frankly your passion for travel reflects an alarming level of irresponsibility not only towards your family, but also towards the planet as we know how much pollution airplanes are releasing in the atmosphere, and how hurtful is modern day tourism to the indigenous cultures around the planet as we go and dump our trash around their living spaces and natural environment and how the corporate tourism disrupted their economies to serve us, first-world citizens. A lot of anthropologists and environmental scientists consider modern day intensive tourism undertaken the wealthy to be a form of environmental racism.
Your answers reflect a defensive attitude in you and an unwillingness to accept any input that doesn't look like what you are expecting. You are expecting outrage at your wife and in-laws and compassion with you.
Many people have a plan for their lives; they are driven and motivated and actually do the work to execute this plan, and this is wonderful in many ways. They start getting into trouble when they bring a significant other in their lives, expecting this significant other to fit into their plan without asking any question. No, this won't work. Your wife is not supposed to be an accessory in your life. She has her own plans. She married you thinking that a daughter will help you forget about your travels and settle down. She was wrong too.
Again, as I and many have said earlier, compromise with your wife, but start by acknowledging that both of your were wrong when you each thought that you could change the other. Good luck! And no need to start insulting people who are just trying to help you and sharing their own experiences with you.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Ursula said:


> Unfortunately, I feel like this is an example of the old bait-and-switch. When your relationship started, she did a lot of smiling and nodding when you spoke of travel plans for the two of you. She probably liked you, wanted to build a life with you, and didn't want to do anything that would jeopardize that. So, she lied and pretended to have an interest. Then, when you got married, she did the ole switcheroo. Happened to me too, but with different issues, and it really, really sucks. A lot of people out there think that this is THE way to behave, when it's not; it's so much better to just be up-front and honest.


Lots of people will buy a house with plans as to what they will change about it, which is fine since it doesn't have any preference over what it is vs. what you plan. But too many people will get married with this in mind, and that is indefensible.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I like to travel but 4-5months out of the year with a daughter… yea I don’t think so. You want her to leave her life and follow your dreams. What about her life? 

You two need to compromise, and you need to kiss that 4-5 months a year dream goodbye, unless your daughter is an adult.


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## TurnedTurtle (May 15, 2019)

You are looking for ideas about how to still travel with your spouse (and child), who hate travelling... Ok, so I have some ideas, but first I have questions for you to ponder: 

(1) what is it about travel that your spouse really hates? Uncomfortable sleeping in strange beds? Afraid to try foods that are not familiar? Uneasy not being able to speak the local language? what?

So the first idea is to truly recognize, understand, and appreciate exactly why your spouse hates travel. You say you've tried to make travel as comfortable as you can for your spouse, but if you don't really know exactly what the problem actually is, how can you address it? The complaints she makes may only be superficial, and masking what is really bothering her, so trying to address the superficial complaints may not be effective. Dig deeper into this. It requires empathy...

(2) what is it about travel that really drives you? Seeing different landscapes? Experiencing different cultures? Eating exotic foods? what?

The second idea is to truly recognize and understand what exactly it is that you are trying to get from travel -- what is it about travel that triggers that dopamine rush (or whatever)? Once you really have a handle on that, then maybe you could look for ways to get that experience without having to travel very far from home at all. I mean, how much do you really know about the place and culture(s) of the area where you live? Have you visited all of the parks, museums, cultural facilities, restaurants, etc... in your area? attended all the events on the calendar? spent time meeting and talking to people from varied neighborhoods? Maybe there is a ton of adventure to be had right in your own backyard, which your spouse might even be amenable to joining in on!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

hugeshantz asked for his account to be banned. This was done.


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

minimalME said:


> I completely understand you. I'm nomadic, so travel is my lifestyle.
> 
> If it were me, I'd sit her down and have an honest, frank conversation with her.
> 
> ...


I think this is a great answer. I'm no fan of travel (and no I'm not xenophobic or racist, LOL!) 

But the OP is, and he made that clear prior to marriage. Though I wonder if she had any idea how MUCH travel he had in mind.

Regardless, I know what it is like to drag a reluctant spouse around. They act like they're doing you some huge favor by accompanying you, and then proceed to ruin the trip for everyone with their piss poor attitude.

I think leaving her home IS a real option. I don't think it's good for a marriage to be apart like that, but it's also not good to lead your future spouse on with how you'll be once married, then change. And reluctantly going along is expensive drudgery for all.

ONE IDEA - I know it's not the same, but maybe there are thing OP can do locally to satisfy some craving for experiencing different cultures ? Like check out restaurants and events with different ethnic themes?


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

I'm hoping once the pandemic has calmed down and it's safer to travel, I'm going to renew my passport and spend a couple of years travelling. My kids are all grown up now and my 1st and only marriage is over. Where would you suggest the safest countries would be for a female travelling alone? Aiming on spending up to 2-3 months in each country. One place I want to go is Amsterdam haha, but would probably spend 2-4 weeks there. You should find one of your friends or find someone who would travel with you if your wife isn't interested. She did know your hobbies and interests before marrying you. Maybe see if she is OK with going on shorter travels with you but more frequently, so not away too long at once.

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> hugeshantz asked for his account to be banned. This was done.


Perhaps I’m just daft here, but for clarity, do you mean his behavior warranted a ban, or that he actually requested said ban?


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