# Am I Giving-Up Too Easily?



## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

I’m gonna be a little short on details; want to keep a low profile. But it’s been a little over 4 months since my finance went wayward while on a business trip and I just got around to getting an apartment. I’ve done the whole roller-coaster with her: despair, begging, hysterical bonding, raging, detaching and ultimately deciding that we needed to separate. She left our home while I took some time to find my own place (my choice). I had a couple of rebound encounters, also some big accolades and a promotion at the office and finally felt confident again, like I could do this. Like I really could start over.

So I finally found a place and signed the lease on Friday. But since then I’ve been a sentimental sobbing mess and really miss her. I miss ‘us’ terribly. One of the rebound women invited me out that evening and she was telling me about some vacation she went on. This triggered memories of my proposal to WF. I’ve been dwelling on that beautiful-but-tainted memory since then, sobbing when I finally got home, by myself. It’s been a couple of months since I’ve shed a tear over this disaster. I thought I was done

So now, I keep feeling like I was too quick to call-it-a-day and move on. Maybe it’s the finality of separating in as real a sense as an unmarried couple can separate. I dunno. I’ve been lurking here for a while and really love the insights you guys have.

Together 4 years, cohabitating 2 years, engaged since Thanksgiving (yep 4 whole months of engagement) , I'm 31 and she's 29.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Are you still in love with her? If so, is she still in love with you?

Has she ended her affair? Is cheating a deal-breaker for you?

Inquiring minds want to know


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Giving up too easily? Then what is not giving up easily? 5 affairs? 10? 20?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Was it an EA or a PA on the trip?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I bet if you hired a PI and saw how she was currently behaving, I have a feeling you will be glad you got out.

have you gotten any feed back from others on how your chick is doing?

Is she going out a lot and hooking up, or staying home cry her self to sleep.

My point is she maybe be broken so let the next fella deal with her unhealthy issues, lack of boundries, ablity to decieve some one she cares about.

You dodged a bullit, count your blessing.

Yuo have to understand that you are grieving the death of a realtionship and just like the death of a loved one we mourn and move on to live our lifes.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

First problem you are reacting instead of acting with a plan.

You don't want to give details. So I won't ask. Without info though can't work up a plan to help you.

Last after a relationship ends one should not date for one year because the time is needed to heal from the end of that relationship.

You just decide to go out and find some Fbuddies. Separating and f'ing do not help for rational thinking and makes recovery all that much more difficult.

Close with that being you are still young, there are no kids best to move on and forget your XF.


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

Thanks everyone... a little overwhelming.

@Emerald, she says she loves me and wants to grow old with me. I feel like I've fallen out of love, but that may be my rebound "fog." I'm not really in the habit of crying over people. The A was a ONS, but I just wonder if that was a matter of inconvenience. There was contact after-the-fact until exposure.

@the guy - I wish sure she was out hooking-up, the decision would be easier. I have it on good information that she's not doing well... but I guess you're saying it doesn't really matter. I get the death metaphor, but I can't understand why, after doing so well myself, I've regressed back to being a sobbing mess like I was right after D-Day.

@theroad - the plan is move out, use the extra time to excel at work and take up a random hobby, like guitar. The gym is already a part of my life. You're probably right about the dating thing. I've never been good at the casual thing though; I attract clingy women. I will say this about rebounding: good-bye mind-movies!

I've been reading this and other forums for months now. I know the drill in theory. But I am just wondering why, after months of finding the strength to move on am I second-guessing myself and why do I miss her so much again after writing-her-off months ago.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Do you still love her? It could also be, as you mentioned, the new apartment. Getting your own place does make it feel very final.

Give yourself some time to sort your feelings. I hope you feel better son.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If she was already cheating during the engagement which is the most connected bonding time of most relationships, my advice is to move on. 

She chose to ignore you and to cheat. It was conscious choice and it this is her thinking during the glow of engagement, I think you don't want to find out what she does with the less fun life of daily marriedhood.

Engagements are like test drives for spouses. She failed the inspection. She chose to cheat and like someone who chooses to steal at work - you only get one change to show your true colors and she showed hers.

I think you're trying to make it work somehow because of all you have invested in her, but think she had the same invested in you when she chose to have sex with another guy and keep in contact with him. 

If you hadn't exposed she would have hooked up again before the wedding, invited him to the wedding, and been texting him on honeymoon.

run forest run.


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

@Matt - ONS so Pa, but there were what appeared to be EA aftershocks. I had never even heard of an EA before. Had it been an EA, I think I would have said something like "that **** stops now," and not given it a second thought.

@Falene - Thanks. I feel like what's happened to me is that I regressed back several months back to the post D-Day state... no appetite, crying, only thinking about the good times, wanting to call her. This after a few months of rebounding and wishing that she would leave the state or rebound herself and stop trying to R with me. It's like my emotions are trying to 180 me. Luckily, I'm wise enough to come here instead of sending her 30 pathetic texts an hour like I did after D-Day.

@Shaggy - I know, you're right. I'm not actually trying to make anything work right now, I already tried that for a couple of weeks back in the spring. I’m just wondering why I’m so emotional all-of-a-sudden after finally feeling good about myself in the past couple of months. After D-Day there was a voice telling me, “You love her, you can get past this. She’s worth it.” Realizing the thing you pointed out in your post, I kicked him to the curb after a while. But the bastard came back over the weekend.


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## CyrusMccasl (Aug 13, 2012)

I have a feeling you will be glad you got out.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

You should consider yourself fortunate in the sense that you've gotten a preview of what's to come if you actually married this person.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Count your blessings brother.
You got a promotion.
Signed a new lease.
Women like to be with you and most of all,
YOU ARE YOUNG!

It will take some time, but forget her and move on.
Some on this forum have had it MUCH WORSE!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> YOU ARE YOUNG!


:iagree:

IKR? He's only 31 and in the prime of his life.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

You lucky man (no i'm not a raving madman)! There are a lot of guys here that would like to have had a warning of things to come before going into a marriage of decades only to find out that it was all a lie. As much pain as are taking in right now, imagine if you had lost 10, 15, 20 years with this woman!

You were given an uncommon chance to re-do your life while you're still young and in your prime. If this woman does this to you when you are just starting out and the bonding should be at max, imagine what she would do after years of marriage attrition. 

Unless you're into sharing your wife with others i think you made the right choice. That pain you feel is like a guy going cold turkey on heavy drugs. It will pass and you will be much better off. Give it time.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

Labcoat,

When it comes to women, the EA is more dangerous. Women are more likely to cut and run for an EA. Dont underestimate them! You're thinking with a man's mind. If she had an EA, despite the only onetime PA, it's pretty serious. Get out before the baby trap.


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

costa200 said:


> You lucky man (no i'm not a raving madman)! There are a lot of guys here that would like to have had a warning of things to come before going into a marriage of decades only to find out that it was all a lie. As much pain as are taking in right now, imagine if you had lost 10, 15, 20 years with this woman!


It's funny, a thought I kept having was "If she was gonna do this, why couldn't she have done it 2 years ago?" I guess the answer is: because 4 years in is better than 20 years in. Thanks for the perspective.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Labcoat said:


> It's funny, a thought I kept having was "If she was gonna do this, why couldn't she have done it 2 years ago?" I guess the answer is: because 4 years in is better than 20 years in. Thanks for the perspective.


It is man it is... You're 31, add 16 more years to that and you're 47. Not exactly and old man but maybe with kids and deep roots. Things would be so much more complicated wouldn't they?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

And st 31 you are prime material to women your age, so don't think it's her or being alone, because its simply not the way it is.


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

Labcoat, I think you're getting the right advice. For what it's worth, I was in your shoes 20 years ago . I was 28, we were dating for a few months. She cheated. I eventually forgave and took her back. 

18 tears later, married, 2 children. She cheats again. I feel niave & stupid now. I've been burnt badly. 

That's not to say this would happen to you. But she's shown you her true colours very early. Past behaviour is a good predictor of future behaviour. Count your blessings and run.


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

I'm glad I posted here. You guys have been very helpful. I have a weird perspective because I work with a lot of younger people who make me feel old. Meanwhile just about all of my friends have children now... so at the same time I certainly feel like I'm missing the grown-up train.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

I think you were grieving for times past -- a normal part of the grieving process. You are well on your way to acceptance and looking back without regret.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Labcoat said:


> I’m gonna be a little short on details; want to keep a low profile. But it’s been a little over 4 months since my finance went wayward while on a business trip and I just got around to getting an apartment. I’ve done the whole roller-coaster with her: despair, begging, hysterical bonding, raging, detaching and ultimately deciding that we needed to separate. She left our home while I took some time to find my own place (my choice). I had a couple of rebound encounters, also some big accolades and a promotion at the office and finally felt confident again, like I could do this. Like I really could start over.
> 
> So I finally found a place and signed the lease on Friday. But since then I’ve been a sentimental sobbing mess and really miss her. I miss ‘us’ terribly. One of the rebound women invited me out that evening and she was telling me about some vacation she went on. This triggered memories of my proposal to WF. I’ve been dwelling on that beautiful-but-tainted memory since then, sobbing when I finally got home, by myself. It’s been a couple of months since I’ve shed a tear over this disaster. I thought I was done
> 
> ...


Engagement is a time where we make our final decision about our partner. It is a probation period.

You have no children. Do you really want to go into marriage knowing your future wife has already cheated on you?

I contend this is unreasonable. Move on with your life. Find a woman who can be faithful to you.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Labcoat

I was in your shoes many years ago. My exfiance was banging a few of my friends on the side.

Talk about a double whammy. I came home from a deployment to see everyone snickering and laughing behind my back.

I could not believe she would ever do this but she did and they did.

I walked away and never looked back. People like this rarely change. They have a fault in their personality that tells them it is ok to hurt people like this.

Why share a life with a person like that.

Be glad you found out before you got married.

I also think you need closure. Go find it. I did and it was a day I will never forget. 

It also prodded me to move on and find the woman I am with today after 26 years together (20 married, 3 beautiful children).

*It will happen for you but you have to make it happen.*

Remember, you deserve a woman who shares the same values and goals as you do.

Go find her.

HM64


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Labcoat
> 
> I was in your shoes many years ago. My exfiance was banging a few of my friends on the side.
> 
> Talk about a double whammy. I came home from a deployment to see everyone snickering and laughing behind my back.


Oh my God HM!!! I didn't know you had gone through such a horrible experience!


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Man, really? she had your ring on her finger and had another guys **** in her. Instant dismissal, delete number, good bye. 

Marriage has been twisted into such a huge risk for men, you need ALL the odds in your favor. You need to look at this from a buisness perspective.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Honestly it was the best learning experience of my life.

Because I found out what I wanted in life.

And it was not her.

:smthumbup:

Live and learn.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> I certainly feel like I'm missing the grown-up train.


Catch another train, that one will take to Betrayal Valley.


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

Labcoat said:


> @Emerald, she says she loves me and wants to grow old with me. I feel like I've fallen out of love, but that may be my rebound "fog." I'm not really in the habit of crying over people. The A was a ONS, but I just wonder if that was a matter of inconvenience. There was contact after-the-fact until exposure.


What she wants doesn't really matter. What do you want?



Labcoat said:


> I've regressed back to being a sobbing mess like I was right after D-Day.


That's pretty natural; you obviously love her.



Labcoat said:


> @theroad - the plan is move out, use the extra time to excel at work and take up a random hobby, like guitar. The gym is already a part of my life. You're probably right about the dating thing. I've never been good at the casual thing though; I attract clingy women. I will say this about rebounding: good-bye mind-movies!


Try counseling. After my EA I tried the gym, running, hiking, drinking, I even got a prescription for anti-depressants (though i never filled it). Counseling helped me because I was able to talk to an impartial person that listened and asked me questions that I wasn't willing to ask myself. If you run across a counselor that starts handing out life advice about how to live your life, IMHO, find a new counselor. Too many people are too happy to tell you how to live your life; that's your job, not theirs.



Labcoat said:


> I've been reading this and other forums for months now. I know the drill in theory. But I am just wondering why, after months of finding the strength to move on am I second-guessing myself and why do I miss her so much again after writing-her-off months ago.


Because you're lonely and the reality of the situation has finally hit you square in the face. Right now it feels like there's no going back and you have lost her all over again. You love her, you miss those times with her, you yearn for the future that you thought you were going to have with her.



Labcoat said:


> I certainly feel like I'm missing the grown-up train.


You are still really young, lots of time for the grown up train. And it's said that you know, within the first 18 months, whether or not the person is right for you; just don't 'settle' or you might be the next wayward (don't kid yourself, anyone is capable of cheating; despite what so many BS will tell you).

As for your W, you are still in the thick of the pain and so is she. You'll figure out what you want eventually, and that realization will come after a lot of crying and soul searching. And you might even find that once you've had time to heal, it might even be her that you want; you never know.

Lots of people here are happy to tell you to leave because they have no skin in your game. They make forward looking statements based on their own experiences, which is fair. Some have moved on and have been happier than ever. Some have, with a lot of work and trust building, reconciled and are happier than ever.

It all comes down to what you want. None of us can tell you that; we can only support you in which ever way you want us to support you.

"Am I giving up too easily?"

That is not a question for us to answer. You are unsure about your choice and now you're looking for validation or for someone to make the choice for you. Own it. Tell us what kind of support you want and anyone here will be happy to give it.

Note: When my OW and her bf broke up (I think he was cheating on her actually) I asked her why and she responded, "Because I guess we're not the kind of people to work through our problems".

That struck me as so astonishingly profound. 

What kind of person are you? There is no shame in being either type of person btw; it's your life and you deserve to be happy.


And lastly, some seem to think that there is something fundamentally wrong with the character of a wayward. True or not, remember that approx 50% of people in the US have cheated (with a remarkable percentage of those being from religious unions). You can either take that to mean that half the people in the US have something fundamentally wrong with them or you can take it as something that many people go through as part of life's lessons.

The great thing about infidelity is that it teaches both sides (the WS and the BS) about the effects of an A. There are serial cheaters out there, to be sure; but we're not all serial cheaters. In the end, it all comes down to whether or not you feel that you can trust her again.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Hi Labcoat,

You're not giving up too easily. You totally did the right thing. It's very natural to doubt yourself, because you're a good, self-reflective person.

This is a death -- but really, it's the death of what you IMAGINED it would be. It's the death of your hopes and dreams of life with that person. You thought you were moving your life in one direction, had it mapped out, and that reality was ripped away from you.

In the midst of crisis, you were able to be a field marshall. To decide to end it (after it sounds like you tried R for a little while). After that adrenaline is gone, it's totally natural to grieve again. Why now? Because you're safe and it's quiet and you have the work of figuring out a NEW plan -- your what next.

While that can be exciting, it's also stressful and scary and I don't blame you a bit for being wobbly.

Also, I don't think the casual sex is helping you. It's usually not a good idea to self medicate with other people. Not judging you, it's just that as a moving on strategy, it can often set you back. You end a long-term relationship, a quick hook up is going to feel great in the short-term with lousy after affects. That history and that intimacy isn't there, and you're going to feel the absence. 

Avoid the clingy women. Just feel the grief, work through it, and invest in your best self. When you're ready, date again and be open to the world -- I'm sure there's a good, deserving woman out there for you who wouldn't cheat on you.

As others said, to cheat during engagement is horrific. This is the HONEYMOON part and if she can't be faithful then, how on earth could you trust her when life gets hard and babies are puking and money is tight? You need a solid person you can trust.

Also you were given a GIFT. I found out about my ex's cheating after 6 months of marriage and a move to another (no fault divorce) state. I wish I'd known sooner. Would've saved me a lot of grief and money.

And hey, it's years later and I'm happily remarried to a great guy. Life reconconstitutes itself. You will be happy again, I promise.


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## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

She did you a tremendous favor cheating on you BEFORE marriage. Now you know.

You were engaged and in love and she didn't have enough self control to not bang another man.

Can you imagine what she could do after being married? Cheaters don't always cheat but there's a very chance they will. Don't take on those odds with dice already loaded with failure.

Move on, you are young and successful enough to find love again. As cliche as it sounds, just give it some time and you will be fine. Keep yourself very busy and detach. 

This is DEFINITELY not giving up too easily. This is her forcing you to give her up after shattering your heart to pieces.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You triggered because of a discussion about a vacation. It brought back good memories that make you sad because of what followed (her cheating).

It is human nature. You cannot block out the good times, but the betrayal certainly goes a long way to make the bad memory that overshadows all the others.

You will trigger again and again in the future. But with time triggers will become less frequent and not nearly as emotional for you. Hang in there - you did the right thing.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I just noticed - Labcoat has not been here for a couple of weeks.

Hate it when I post to a thread that is probably dead.


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

Guys, I am still reading this thread when updated and the post have been great. Especially ChumpLady, I've been reading your blog since d-day!

Every time I sit down to write a reply, I can do it. It's too personal right now; I feel less venty at this time. So i just move on to the threads that deal with hypotheticals and such. But I really really appreciate everything.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Labcoat, stay strong! You will be FINE!


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Imagine her out screwing other men and having a great time. Imagine this while u married, looking after the 5year old and 2 year old while she on a girls night out. Or screwing the neighbour, the man down the street that she flirts with. Imagine this has already happened. You may find it easier to move on.

Or, is she selfish, a serial cheater type? Does this seem like a one off, totally not in her character? If so, are you prepared to move forward with her and marry while holding all kinds of restrictions over her such as no drinking unless you both are together, no trips away without you, no nights out without you? That is a stranglehold of a relationship and is no fun if you have to put those rules down at your young age and before you are even married.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

This woman is like a foot with gangrene. You may love to have it, you think you are going to have a hard life without it, and you'll miss it dearly, but if you don't let go you'll be poisoned until you lose everything.


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