# How soon is too soon after a separation?



## in the dust (Jun 8, 2011)

My wife and I decided in the last few weeks to separate. If anyone is at fault for the failure of our 13 year marriage, I would say i take the brunt of it. I am a quiet, laid back type of guy. I don't communicate well and in turn, I don't give her the verbal attention she wants and deserves. In addition, I have an extremely low sex drive - hers is on the far end of the spectrum. We went to some counselling over the last month and after that we both realized that we love each other but aren't "in love" with each other, she is my best friend. I love her differently than any other person in my life but I guess that wasn't "in love." She is a beautiful woman, a fantastic mother to our children and generally pretty damn amazing. Part of the problem was the fact that i never verbalized that to her. I didn't let her know how I felt. During our conselling, it came out that she had developed an intimate online relationship with a guy that lives out of the country and that it has been going on for a few months. She said that she had not been in love with me for a few years and she had begun the mourning process of our relationship a long time ago. I guess I realized that things were going south about 4 months ago and a few weeks ago is when we decided that we were going to do an inhouse separation and will most likely divorce later down the road. My mourning process is just beginning. . . 

*The question I would like your feedback on* . . . .I know she likes this guy a lot, she talks to him daily and was doing so for a few months. She says after she told him we separated, he voiced interested in coming to meet her. I want her to be happy but things have gotten rough the last several days as this guy is coming to town next week and she said she is meeting him. i will be away for the week for work so they will basically be hanging out at our house with the kids. I know we are separated but it still hurts like hell. . . and i am jealous that she developed such an intense relationship while ours was falling apart. There is a lot to process in this situation and now the new guy is coming into the picture just a few weeks after we made any decisions. I've had a few weeks to start coping, she says she has been for much longer. . . .that doesn't make it any easier on me. I want her to be happy but am I justified in feeling hurt that this new guy is physically coming into the picture so soon after our decision? She says she wants me to find someone that makes me happy. I can't even think about finding someone else right now, She has been my life for 13+ years, I can't slam close that chapter of my life. It will no doubt close I am pretty sure but I can't get my heart to agree to that. . . the emotions i feel are just so intense. Jealousy, hurt, sad, mad 

I would appreciate any comments. Tell me I am justified . . . tell me it's not my place to worry about it now. . .tell me i have a right to feel the way i feel but still not my place to worry about it. Any advice on how to cope would really be helpful. Unfortunately I have very few friends and none that I can talk to about this as they are mutual friends. I am really alone in the situation.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

dust, in a lot of ways my separation has followed the same course as yours. My wife says a lot of the same things you say yours has and for awhile I felt similar to her as you do your wife. But some circumstances are a little different, and I personally am losing a lot of respect for mine, though I am still mourning. In my case there is another man (or "men") but I know that if she was to be serious with any (heck even if she wasn't) I am definitely not comfortable with him being around my child. My wife would have no right to bring someone into our home even if that is what truly would make her happy - she needs to have some respect for your rights and your space.

I honestly think you need to put up some boundaries or ground rules: if she wants to bring someone home it must be under a different roof than yours or else she has to go somewhere else, if she wants him to meet her children you need to give your approval and consent and it has to be when you both are ready.

I personally don't believe that the ones initiating the separation can experience the loss the same as the one waiting it out. I don't think its fair to your children that they be put in the middle by meeting this man until you and your wife have physically separated, meaning not in the same house.

Realize this is my opinion and it really has no weight, all that matters is your stance on the issue, if you are uncomfortable with this you have every right to say no he is not welcome in your home. She may choose not to respect that and let him in, but I'm sure your rights are legally protected so you would be wise to get a lawyer to help you through this if thats what it takes.

I know what you mean about feeling alone, though I am amazed how much support my very few friends have been. The other day I found this website and it is exactly what I needed to help figure out my own opinions about what I am going to do to deal with this, so welcome to the site, there are some amazing people I've met on here.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Posting as someone from the "other side"... I was in your wife's position; I had gone through the grieving process for my marriage in the last six months of it, before telling my wife that it was over. It wasn't fair to her, and I recognize what I did now. I also started to see someone quickly after my separation.

Having said all that, there's no way I would let my GF even meet my kids, much less have her stay over while they're with me. That's incredibly selfish and cruel to the kids. THEY need to be able to process the changes that are occurring too. I would tell her that he has to stay out of the house, and I guess if she makes arrangements to see him somewhere else, there's not much you can do.

Feel free to ask if there's anything you think I can provide insight on. 

C
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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Yeah, I'm not digging the new guy in the house thing so soon, either. She has a dude, ok whatever I'm sure that sucks. I wouldn't like it. New dude in the house with the kids-not so much.


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## maxter (May 24, 2011)

dust,
No way should she bring another man into your family home at this time. First, you didn't mention how old your kids are, but there's no way they can process this type of situation given you only 'separated' in the last few weeks. They probably haven't even come to grips with that yet. Second, you may be separated but you're still married! That means anything she does with this new guy is adultery. If you allow it, then you are condoning infidelity and her actions. Can you live with that? What does your moral compass say? Third, you didn't elaborate on any agreements or rules that you and your wife may have set in place during the separation. What is the intent for the separation? To give each other some space to figure things out and maybe reconcile? Or to simply split up and go your own ways?

Your attitude about this whole visitation thing is too laid back. You need to think about and set some boundaries and conditions for the separation. I am a quiet, layed back person myself. I don't like confrontation of any kind, verbal or physical and shy away from it (sometimes run) when ever I can. But IMO you need to man-up and consider the wellbeing of you children and yourself over the temporary happiness of your wayward spouse.

Best of luck with figuring out your situation.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

twindad, I respect your comment, what you are saying about being married and allowing the adultery is the same as condining it strikes close to me. In my case I know my wife is adultering on me, and I have no respect for that, I'm not condoning it but we are separated which means I no longer have any responsibility to her or no right to demand she act differently. She is just moving so fast and I am barely having time to cope, I'm so focussed on just getting separated first and haven't even got around to formalizing a divorce. In my case I know she is going to have sexual relations with someone this weekend but I don't feel like I'm the one comitting a sin or anything, at this point the marriage is just a piece of paper, one which is about to be null and void in due course. So she can do what she wants... on the other hand if she'd expresses the slightest interest in reconciling I would definitely be making demands that she would be obliged to accept, but for me, and it sounds like for dust too that isn't the case, they are leaving and not looking back. But definitely I am in agreement that the kids are still in grieving and introducing a her new partner is very damaging to their emotions and mental health at this point in time. Some demands dust does have the right to make especially where it involves the well being of his children.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

dust, I concur with everyone on here. If you or she are done with your marriage and she wants to date or have OM in her life right now, there's not much you can do. Let her at it, BUT no way in hell in my house or anywhere around the kids. twindad is right, they haven't even had time to process your separation yet.

Actually, she will be the one damagin her image in the kids eyes but still, you have to protect them from this. Put your foot down, you have EVERY right to. Really, do you care how she will feel if you stand up for yourself? Man up and do not allow this - you have every moral and probably legal support to do so. Just let her know that you are not keeping her from sc***wing around with this other guy, just not in your kids presence and not in your presence. It's too soon! You will heal from this though, it just takes a while.


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## in the dust (Jun 8, 2011)

PBear said:


> Posting as someone from the "other side"... I was in your wife's position; I had gone through the grieving process for my marriage in the last six months of it, before telling my wife that it was over. It wasn't fair to her, and I recognize what I did now. I also started to see someone quickly after my separation.
> 
> Having said all that, there's no way I would let my GF even meet my kids, much less have her stay over while they're with me. That's incredibly selfish and cruel to the kids. THEY need to be able to process the changes that are occurring too. I would tell her that he has to stay out of the house, and I guess if she makes arrangements to see him somewhere else, there's not much you can do.
> 
> ...


Thanks PBear. . . She tells me to quit focusing on the "time." I think the time is a big deal. It has been three weeks and now he will be here a whole week while I am out of town. He is here for work but she is shuttling him from his hotel to the train every day and hanging out at my house the rest of the time. He will be at my house with my kids. She says that since they SKYPE and she skypes with several people she is just going to introduce him as a friend. My oldest is 9. What is my son going to think a few months down the road if this works out. Why was mommy with that guy when she was with my daddy too? Probably not a real good example to set for the kids. 

The whole time thing is big to me. In the last few weeks I have been a total mess but have got to think a lot as well. I realize a lot of things I didn't realize before. I know I can't be everything she wants but it hasn't been a BAD marriage. There are good memories, great kids and she is a great woman. She says she has to meet him - she was asking as a courtesy but she says she would meet him regardless. Where is my time to process and see if I can be more of what she wants. I love her, I don't want to lose her. She says she wants it all, the fairytale happily ever after. I personally don't know anybody that "has it all" or lives in a fairytale. 

She says she has some hope for reconcilliation but after she meets him next week and if things "click",she says that door will probably be closed. Why close it if your not sure?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'll stick with my answer... There's no way the kids should be involved in any way. It's way too soon, and you're not even separated yet. It's just wrong in so many ways. Heck, I'm 4 months separated, and in love with my GF. And I haven't even considered her meeting my kids. And my thought would be that won't happen till after the divorce, so at least a year. She's being a selfish witch (with a capital B). In my opinion.

C
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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Get a lawyer! Probably the shortest answer I've ever given on this forum.
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## in the dust (Jun 8, 2011)

Now things are getting a bit confusing. I realized that our marriage was over when we decided to separate. I don't want it to be, but . . . Emotion is not something I have shown much of during the marriage. The last few weeks I think I have shown more than in the last 13 years. Is this rush of emotion trying to tell me to fight and try to be for her what I haven't been in the past? Is the emotion over jealousy that she is meeting the OG? She says that she can't stand to hurt me like this because in many ways our life has been good and that she will just stay in the marriage and compromise her wants and needs. She told the OG she probably won't meet him now but will decide by tonight. I am soooo confused. I love her...I see her differently than I ever have, but why now? I can't have her "settle" for me. How long will it be before she resents me for that?

What a mess
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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

Why does it have to be a "settle" for you? Marriage is supposed to be hard work, if both partners are willing to work, put the other first and be kind and loving, your marriage could work. I know mine could if H would give us a chance


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## in the dust (Jun 8, 2011)

Well, I guess it doesn't matter at this point. I had to run some errands this evening and she had a Skype session with him while i was out, and he was successful at rehashing all the reasons she was unhappy. He questioned why she would stay in a marriage if she was unhappy. As she went to bed tonight she said. . . I'm meeting him so just be prepared. I guess this is a game changer . . No looking back now.
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## in the dust (Jun 8, 2011)

OG - 1. H-0
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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

In the dust,
It seems like you have had 13 years of burying your emotions, and not expressing yourself enough. I think the emotions are coming out because they have been stuffed for 13+ years. I think you should express yourself and your feelings to your wife in some way or another. Writing your feelings and sending them to her can be very helpful. I would also strongly suggest journal writing. Writing in a journal can help prevent you from stuffing your emotions. When writing in the journal, do not censor it at all (if you are writing some things you normally wouldn't say, don't worry about it). Just write about the feelings you experienced for that day.


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## in the dust (Jun 8, 2011)

Thanks Riverside. I have been pouring myself out to her but I think the reality is that she checked out long ago and OG was already in play before we even started counseling. She says my feelings are just an 11th hour push to save it and that things will just go back to the way they were. She doubts I can be what she wants as she has grown in different ways than I have. I think I will be searching for an apartment when I return from my trip. I don't think I can mentally or emotionally handle being in the same house while she pursues another guy. We were doing in-house for money and to protect the kids for a while but since she going to have the kids while she is with him, guess that doesn't matter.
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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

dust, from what I understand from your post; she went outside your marriage seeking happiness from OG. Don't squabble, beg or plead. Give her the 180. Well, I don't mean her, i mean for you. Having an EA/PA is a deal breaker for me. Sorry, no respect for your marriage. She wasn't happy, so what? Instead of trying to work hatder at your marriage and asking you to do the same she figures she will just easily find it elsewhere. And I don't mean, "so what" as in its not important to be happy, I meant that marriage is hard work; there will be unhappy times. Can you honestly say you have NEVER had an unhappy time in your marriage? Seems to me she is done with your marriage so do the 180 and set your own rules - for YOU!
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## in the dust (Jun 8, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> dust, from what I understand from your post; she went outside your marriage seeking happiness from OG. Don't squabble, beg or plead. Give her the 180. Well, I don't mean her, i mean for you. Having an EA/PA is a deal breaker for me. Sorry, no respect for your marriage. She wasn't happy, so what? Instead of trying to work hatder at your marriage and asking you to do the same she figures she will just easily find it elsewhere. And I don't mean, "so what" as in its not important to be happy, I meant that marriage is hard work; there will be unhappy times. Can you honestly say you have NEVER had an unhappy time in your marriage? Seems to me she is done with your marriage so do the 180 and set your own rules - for YOU!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry, new on here. What is EA/PA. I agree with everything else. I guess I just didn't want to come to that realization.
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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

EA = Emotional Affair
PA = Physical Affair
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## waitwhat (Jun 12, 2011)

Oh, absolutely not. There is nothing that could make it right for her to have another man around your children in their home right now.


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## Mika Lynn (May 5, 2011)

I have to weigh in here, because there are two sides to every story. Someone has to play Devil's Advocate. You say for all these years you have not displayed or conveyed emotion? You say that you have not been open with your wife? What does that MEAN? Have you expressed a desire for her, a love for her, been supportive of her and her needs? Have you made her feel like she is the most special person to you? You are now pouring out your heart, but why NOW? Has she brought up counseling / divorce / separation before? How has she been as a wife, up until the separation. Was everything blissful and happy until just now, or have one or both of you been unhappy previously?

You say that this man convinced her of all the reasons she was unhappy in marriage - do you think he could do this if they weren't true? Do you think he is trying to get her to have an affair with her or that they are already HAVING an affair? How do you know about him? Did you catch her with him or did she tell you? Are you saying that he has some sort of power over her and she is easily swayed by him and can't really figure it out for herself?

So you say this OG was in play before your counseling? How 'in play' was he? You can not assume that she was having an EA with him just because they were friends or talked. Who IS he? Has she met him? 

IF all you say here is true, your wife sounds like a cold person who doesn't care at all for you or your feelings. It seems to ME if she is all these things, then you should be happy to be rid of her.

In my experience, however, there is always more to the story. There is personal culpability. Are you saying that while your marriage was deterriorating that you have been trying to save it and she has been just having EA with this OG? Have you really done all you can?

In your original post you suggest that this was not a bad marriage, but that you have not given her things that she needs. What things? Have you ever had an affair (emotional or otherwise)? Have you ever kept things from her, decieved her, not been honest with her? As I said, 2 sides to every story, right? Just trying to get a proper perspective.

It seems like you have had a good marriage, but something led you to the counseling / separation. If THESE things, the things that have made her and you unhappy can be fixed then can you work on them? You said that you were thinking that you could never be what she wanted. Is SHE what you want? These 'things' are they BIG things or small things?

You suggest she would be 'settling' - do YOU feel she is settling? Are you settling? You have children, how much of this is because you don't want to lose yoru family?

I think it is important to be honest when asking advice,and while it is hard to do, sometimes it is important to also show our own fault to ourselves. In these posts, it seems like you are not really admitting to any fault in the issues of your marraige, except of lack of emotional discussion.

Is that true? Have you been a completely faultless husband. No one is faultless. Can you admit to any wrongdoings. Have you had EA, or the reverse been emotionally unavailable.

You mention sex drive issues. How much difference IS there? As I mention in my own situation my HB's sex drive is so completely opposite to my own that it would take some major compromising to make it even comfortable.

Now as for her bringing the man to stay in your house. This is just wrong, there should be no overnights in front of the children, it is very confusing. Those kids should not be seeing their Mom 'sexually connected' to another man. That is what you meant, right? Is this OG someone that your children know or are familiar with, or is he a new presence? Sometimes the OG is a friend or family friend, or work associate. Just wondering.

Just some things to think about.


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