# Miserable



## Windward Whisper (Aug 5, 2012)

Hi!

I'm new to this forum and I hope that it will help me cope with what I'm going through right now. I am not looking for sympathy, because that is not what I need right now. I need guidance, strength and hope.

After 20 years of marriage and one child (13) I filed for divorce from my husband. He is an alcoholic, controlling and I was planning on filing after I graduated from school, (this spring) but things got to the point that I could not put myself or our daughter through this any longer.

I work part time and only make around $400-$500 a month and my husband brings home around $3,200 a month. Not very good considering we have a 1st, 2nd mortgage, 2 car payments, boat payment and lots and lots of credit card debt due to our house which is always constantly under construction.

My problem is that we are still living in the same house. Reason? I have no family, no friends and no support system what so ever. The only family I have is our daughter and his family and I have distanced myself from them as well. So to make a long story short, I have no one that can help me out.

My attorney is going to try to get maintenance but because of all the cc debt we have and what he makes, she even said that we both wouldn't be able to survive without each others income, which is why we are still living under the same roof. Pretty pathetic isn't it?

He can't get a second job because he travels for his job and I only have 9 months of school left and will be going full time and can only work limited hours. 

The judge put in the temporary order, that he is to practice complete sobriety around our daughter, which he has not, and we are to put the boat and the collector car up for sale, which he refuses to do, and I tried talking to him about debt consolidation, which he refuses to do as well. I can't sell any of these things because it is in both of our names. I can't do anything right now unless the judge allows me to do these things without his consent. I'm a hostage in my own marriage and I need out!

I am going through major depression right now, my daughter has been pretty much my support system because I don't have anyone else. I was so depressed the other night that I thought to myself that even if I wanted to "end it all" I couldn't because my daughter wouldn't have anyone and I need to be here for her. However, if she wasn't in my life, I probably would.

I am trying to find a second shift job, but not having any luck, I will not quit school!! That is not an option- I will not allow him to take away that part of my life as well, and I can't put it on hold because I am almost 50.

Anyways- I was wondering if I would be able to get government assistance even thought we are not yet divorced so I could move out. Or if there is any advice anyone could offer in regards to my financial situation.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Things to consider...

filing for bankruptcy

getting student financial aid


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## Windward Whisper (Aug 5, 2012)

Thanks for the quick reply-

I thought of bankruptcy, but because of my future financial situation, I will need some sort of credit for emergency reasons, and if I file bankruptcy-I won't be able to get any sort of credit right?

Some one I know did debt consolidation, I'm not sure if it was another type of bankruptcy, but she was able to have one credit card that she can use for only emergencies. 

But like I said, I can't do this because we are still married and I can't do anything without his consent and will have to wait until the judgement of divorce.

Student financial aid is almost out. The cost for these last two semesters will absorb most of my aid. I think I will have maybe $500 left.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm not sure what you mean by your future financial situation. Sometimes it's easier to get credit after a bankruptcy because the lenders know that you cannot file again for another 7 years. And the bankruptcy is removed from your credit record after 7 years. 

If your husband will not cooperate with a bankruptcy you can file on your own. He will be left with the debt and you will be clear.

There are different types of bankruptcies. Debt consolidation is different but worth looking at as well. 

You would probably benefit from consultations with some lawyers to see what your options are. Some lawyers will give free half hour to one hour consolations so you can determine if you want them to take your case.

If you started a bankruptcy right now you would not need to make any more payments on most of the debt.

The reason I am suggesting this is because you need to do what is necessary to gt away from your husband.


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## Windward Whisper (Aug 5, 2012)

Thanks Elegirl! 

I didn't know that. I live in Wisconsin and I looked into it and it is called Phantom Bankruptcy. I will call a bankruptcy attorney this week and get some advice. I actually feel a little pressure lifted off of me at this moment. I really appreciate this.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Windward Whisper said:


> Thanks Elegirl!
> 
> I didn't know that. I live in Wisconsin and I looked into it and it is called Phantom Bankruptcy. I will call a bankruptcy attorney this week and get some advice. I actually feel a little pressure lifted off of me at this moment. I really appreciate this.


How are you making out?


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## Windward Whisper (Aug 5, 2012)

Frostflower-

Actually not too good. I contacted a bankruptcy attorney here and I was told I should wait until after my divorce is final to file. I asked how much the fee is and was told "anywhere's from $1000 to $2500"!

Like I have that kind of money? I can't even afford to file bankruptcy? 

Right now I have no idea what to do. I'm pretty upset by everything. The cc's are all in my name because when we first married, he had no credit and since I had credit, we used my cards for everything! We have $24,000 in CC debt and I would say about $7000 in mine, and the rest his! So if I file now, or later doesn't matter, he is pretty much free and clear? 

Oh and the my medical expenses is another thing. His company used to pay for all of the health insurance, but recently started to make employees pay a premium. Well in order to keep it as cheap as possible, he picked the least expensive plan. Not even discussing it with me. We have an out of pocket $7000 deductible. I went into the ER and now I have $4,000 in out of pocket expenses, and I just found out recently I have another huge bill coming. One of the doctors won't reduce the money and said I need to pay $50 a month, which I don't have, so that will be going to collections soon. 

We are supposed to put the boat and the collector car up for sale and he refuses to do it, that would help pay for some of this debt, and he's not supposed to be borrowing money off the home equity loan, which he has been doing, because he won't find the time to get his own credit card which the temporary order says he is to do to pay for his gas and misc expenses.

I was ready to just give him the house and walk away but now this has turned me into a spiteful B*T**.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Dear Windward - 

I am so sorry you are going through all of this stress, on top of prioritizing doing the best you can for your daughter. You mention that your H is an alcoholic and that you are in need of a better support network -- I truly urge you to find a diectory of local Al-Anon meetings, and go to at least two different ones. It may not bring instant relief for the money issues, but will provide you with an invaluable source of support from people who will understand and help guide you because they have been there and found ways to cope. Please consider doing yourself a big favor and giving Al-Anon a chance. Hang in there and be good to yourself. 

Hugs, - A12


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Windward Whisper said:


> Frostflower-
> 
> Actually not too good. I contacted a bankruptcy attorney here and I was told I should wait until after my divorce is final to file. I asked how much the fee is and was told "anywhere's from $1000 to $2500"!
> 
> ...


Do you qualify for legal aid? You need a lawyer who can advise you.

Consider one of those loan consolidation outfits. They can sometimes negotiate with your debtors and get the monthly payments to a reasonable amount. (As far as the medical expenses go, all I can say is I am so glad I live in Canada.)

Contact the credit card companies. If they are in your name, surely you can get him taken off before he racks up more debt.

Maybe some of the others on the forum who are more money-savvy than me can offer some better advice.

I feel so badly for you. You don't deserve this.

Hugs.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Things to consider...
> 
> filing for bankruptcy
> 
> getting student financial aid





I would add to this to please see your doctor amd talk about an antidepressant for the short term. Also, see of the insurance plan has an emplouee assistance program that pays for counseling, or try to find resources in your area for low cost counseling. 

Good luck and im very sorry


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## Windward Whisper (Aug 5, 2012)

Awakening2012 said:


> Dear Windward -
> 
> I am so sorry you are going through all of this stress, on top of prioritizing doing the best you can for your daughter. You mention that your H is an alcoholic and that you are in need of a better support network -- I truly urge you to find a diectory of local Al-Anon meetings, and go to at least two different ones. It may not bring instant relief for the money issues, but will provide you with an invaluable source of support from people who will understand and help guide you because they have been there and found ways to cope. Please consider doing yourself a big favor and giving Al-Anon a chance. Hang in there and be good to yourself.
> 
> Hugs, - A12


I used to go to Al-Anon, have been going since the late 1990's and I'm sorry to say, that as great as a program that it is, it helped me to cope, find strength in a higher power, but I believe it was Al-Anon that kept me in this marriage as along as it has. I noticed that a lot of people that attended Al-anon were spouses or family members of RECOVERED alcoholics, I think I kept going because I thought that if I could follow the 12 steps, maybe it would help him to seek help. Once again I took the burden for his disease. So I stopped going. It took a few years, but I finally hit rock bottom and filed for divorce. 

I went to counseling and it was the counselor that pretty much helped me see the light, and the fact that my husbands drinking was starting to affect our daughter's emotional well being as well as all the debt we have accumulated over the years and his lack of ambition to make things better for our family.

I will go back to Al-anon, like I said, it is a great program, it just didn't work for me at that time.


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## Windward Whisper (Aug 5, 2012)

Twofaces said:


> I would add to this to please see your doctor amd talk about an antidepressant for the short term. Also, see of the insurance plan has an emplouee assistance program that pays for counseling, or try to find resources in your area for low cost counseling.
> 
> Good luck and im very sorry


I'm taking St. Johns wart right now, that seems to be helping a lot. At least I am not crying constantly.

I have a counselor, they pays for a portion of that. I just can't afford the difference. We have our pretrial court date set up soon and hopefully at that time I will have more of an idea on what direction I need to take. Hopefully the attorney will order him to sell that boat and the collector car to pay towards the cc bills, but now that it will be off season here, the boat won't be worth as much as it would have been it he would have gotten his butt in gear and tried to sell it when the weather was warmer.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Windward Whisper said:


> I'm taking St. Johns wart right now, that seems to be helping a lot. At least I am not crying constantly.
> 
> I have a counselor, they pays for a portion of that. I just can't afford the difference. We have our pretrial court date set up soon and hopefully at that time I will have more of an idea on what direction I need to take. Hopefully the attorney will order him to sell that boat and the collector car to pay towards the cc bills, but now that it will be off season here, the boat won't be worth as much as it would have been it he would have gotten his butt in gear and tried to sell it when the weather was warmer.


Whisper, let me know if you have trouble selling the boat. My cousin buys boats in the States and brings them to Canada to sell. He might be interested. Is it a power boat or sailboat?

I found it interesting, what you said about Alanon. I can see how they would try to keep families together, but when it's obvious that it's not working, you'd think they would support the spouse in getting out of the relationship.

Have you thought of the Alanon group that is for children? I forget how old your daughter is, but she might benefit.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hi Windward - 

I hope you are feeling better today, and I too am sorry to hear that your earlier experience with Al-Anon wasn't more helpful, in terms of supporting you to give the active alcoholic a consequence of choosing between his drinking and you/the marriage. I am a recovering alcoholic myself, and I can tell you that generally speaking, while in the grips of active disease, the alcoholic or addict is not going to stop unless they are confronted with some pretty serious consequences. I WISH my husband had been counselled to give me a firm ultimatum early on which would have forced me to get help sooner, causing less damage to the marriage. 

There is Ala-Teen for young people that have been affected by a parent's drinking to have a safe place to process their feelings and learn coping skills with peers.

Glad you are getting counselling support. I am sorry you've been through such a rough time, and pray that things will sort out in your favor -- meanwhile hang in there! 

Hugs,- A12


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## Windward Whisper (Aug 5, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> Whisper, let me know if you have trouble selling the boat. My cousin buys boats in the States and brings them to Canada to sell. He might be interested. Is it a power boat or sailboat?
> 
> I found it interesting, what you said about Alanon. I can see how they would try to keep families together, but when it's obvious that it's not working, you'd think they would support the spouse in getting out of the relationship.
> 
> Have you thought of the Alanon group that is for children? I forget how old your daughter is, but she might benefit.


Thanks! I will keep you in mind. I am sure we will have to sell it.


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## Windward Whisper (Aug 5, 2012)

Awakening2012 said:


> Hi Windward -
> 
> I hope you are feeling better today, and I too am sorry to hear that your earlier experience with Al-Anon wasn't more helpful, in terms of supporting you to give the active alcoholic a consequence of choosing between his drinking and you/the marriage. I am a recovering alcoholic myself, and I can tell you that generally speaking, while in the grips of active disease, the alcoholic or addict is not going to stop unless they are confronted with some pretty serious consequences. I WISH my husband had been counselled to give me a firm ultimatum early on which would have forced me to get help sooner, causing less damage to the marriage.
> 
> ...


I agree! His mother told me that a long time ago, but I didn't do it. 

I think maybe I should have gone to AA meetings, I think it would have been more helpful to hear the other side. Because if I would have heard what you, a recovering alcoholic said at that time, my life may have been different.

I have asked my daughter if she is interested in Alateen, she is not interested. I don't know if it would be the right decision to force her to go. 

Thanks for your support, I truly appreciate it.


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