# What would you do?



## JohnPeel

Just a short one 

Hi, and here is my issue.

I was married for 20 years and we had 2 beautiful daughters who are now 16 and 19. One is at work and the other at college. I separated from my daughters mother 9 years ago. It was very hard, with tears (mostly from me) flowing and arguments a plenty (mostly from her  ). The girls took it well. We sat them down and told them that mum and dad are no longer in love but we love each other, and we are no longer going to live with each other. They said OK we understand, can we go back out to play now? 

I moved into a small flat around the corner so I could see the girls playing out and they could visit when they wanted. A month later their mother started a relationship which some say started before we finished, and introduced the man to the girls. This was very hard for me after 20 years as I felt it was far too soon and I knew the man as someone who she walked our dog with. Anyway, that was not the problem, six months later she told me I had to move from my flat because it was too small and people might get the wrong idea about me and the girls. I was horrified about this, because my dad was a sick bastard who I would kill if I ever saw him again, and I would never dream of being anything like him, yet here I am being made to feel like I could be. 

I moved out of the flat and into a bigger house a mile away. I kept having the girls over every other weekend and have always to this day paid an agreed and reasonable maintenance figure for the girls. Since the divorce though, I went into a depression that I believe I am still in to this day. I have felt guilt for leaving the girls, and been so ill with it that I have and I am still on medication for it but the girls don’t know that, I will not tell the girls as I want to be seen as strong for them. In 2006 while in work, I was stood on the hard shoulder of the motorway, I was a safety officer looking out for other people working there, when I was struck down by an articulated lorry that crossed onto the hard shoulder. The driver took liability for it saying he didn’t see me. It took 3 years just to straighten my spine out with physiotherapy, but again, I never really went into detail with my daughters, I just told them that the truck bounced off me and the driver was in hospital still 

6 Months before the accident I met my wife, who I am still with now. After the accident I moved into her home where she looked after me. She took so much care of me that I don’t know what I would have done without her. We still had my girls stay over at her house every other weekend too, and a year later she suggested we took the girls to the US to Disneyland, and we did. We had an amazing time. A year later she suggest we take the girls on a luxury cruise with P&O, and that was amazing too. We then bought a house together a few miles from my daughters because my new partners house was 20 miles away from them. My daughters thought it would be a good idea if we married, so we did, and I because I wanted to. We had the girls stay every other weekend at the new house for a few years. This was when the problems started. 

My daughter were growing up fast and were now 16 and 13. They started to take my wife’s clothes home with them by hiding them in their bags, even though my wife would give them lots of clothes, makeup and other thing often. They would make a mess and leave makeup all over the floor and bedding without seemingly caring.

And I was guilty of being one of those dads who acted as though his kids could do no wrong. I would say something to them, but I held back from punishing them because I felt they might not want to stay over anymore or I didnt want the visit to be sad. My ex came out to the car when I went to pick the girls up a few times and told me that she has to force them to come to stay over because they want to stay with their mates instead sometimes. She said she wasn't going to let them stay at their mates because they needed to maintain a relationship with me. It broke my heart and I knew that the girls had boyfriends or wanted to stay with their mates. 

After all, they are young women now and don’t want to have to do anything they don’t want to. My wife couldn’t take anymore of the girls thieving and behaviour, and they even started to disrespect us both by not answering us or not doing what they were told, so she told me to tell them that they were big girls now and they did not need to be forced to stay over anymore as we only live a couple of miles away from their home. 

This was very hard for me, and I did understand her because she has never had children and they are big girls, but I told them. We still continued to take them out for dinner once a month or so to catch up, but I missed them dearly. My wife said that we should look for a house that has some land and a place to put a static caravan/trailer, so that the girls will be able to come and stay for holidays with their partners and own families. 

So in April this year, I used all my savings and bought an old stone cottage in an acre of land with a forest and a stream and just a long walk to the beach. It really is lovely. We have been given planning permission for the caravan and I have had all the plumbing done for it. We need to sell our other house so that we can buy the caravan and so I can set up my own workshop to work from home as I am unable to work for anyone due to my mental and physical health issues as a result of the accident.

My problem is, that while at my mums for a visit, my wife told my mum that I give my ex money every week for her to spend in the pub and on smokes. Now, its true that my ex is out every night drinking and has introduced the girls to countless new partners, at least a couple a year, but that is her life not mine. I have had one partner since we seperated. Anyway, I went mad at my wife for for bringing maintenance up in front of other people. I told her that she should stop saying that it is for the ex to spend, it is for my daughter and I will continue to pay it until she is 18 or gets a job, even if it means selling the house we live in to do it. She said but you don’t have to pay by law because you are still only on sickness since your accident and get next to nothing everyweek.

I said I don’t care how much I get, there is no way I will stop paying what I agreed to pay. While my wife was in the toilet my mum told me that she was proud of me for keeping up my payments even though by law I didn’t have to.

I am now at a loss as to what to do, because my daughter and my ex’s mum paid a visit to my mum a couple of days ago and shortly after their visit my daughter text me and told me that she loved me to bits, that I was her world, and that she was there for me if I needed to talk. She is just 16 and I am 50. I felt so proud, but so sad. I don’t know what my mum said to her and my ex’s mum, but I fear she told them that she didn’t like 
the way my wife had a go at me for paying maintenance, and that I was very sad without my daughters around.

I now feel sick to the stomach and don’t know whether to end it with my new wife and move back to were my daughters are, 42 miles from here. My wife always buys them prezzies still and invites them for lunches, she doesn’t want to be excluded from them and I think she even loves them and says she is looking forward to one day being a granny. So with this issue and the fact that my wife asked me to tell the girls they couldn’ t stay in the house, I am in a right mess. What would you do?


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## 827Aug

I'm not sure I understand. Why does your wife show them acts of giving/kindness, but doesn't want them in the house?


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## Emerald

Teen girls can be very difficult. Keep your new home & your wife. Your daughters should be able to visit their Father whenever they want. Your home should be their home also but they must respect you & your wife & are old enough to know how to do this.

If they cannot be respectful & not steal, then it is up to you to discipline them w/o fear.

You are very lucky to have married a childless woman who is nice to your daughters. Many 2nd marriages do not have that.


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## SadSamIAm

Emerald said:


> Teen girls can be very difficult. Keep your new home & your wife. Your daughters should be able to visit their Father whenever they want. Your home should be their home also but they must respect you & your wife & are old enough to know how to do this.
> 
> If they cannot be respectful & not steal, then it is up to you to discipline them w/o fear.
> 
> You are very lucky to have married a childless woman who is nice to your daughters. Many 2nd marriages do not have that.


:iagree:

Don't force your daughters to spend time with you. They are teenagers and they are selfish right now. They want to party and hang out with friends. Make sure they know they are welcome. Invite them. Offer to pick them up and take them home. Make it as easy as possible for them to visit. But don't make them.

When they do visit and are disrespectful, you are going to have to discipline them. You can't fear that they might not come back. They will respect you for not allowing them to be disrespectful. Maybe not right away, but in the future.

In a couple of short years your daughters will be women. They will make more of an effort to spend time with you.

Look after your present wife. She sounds like a keeper.


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## JohnPeel

Thank you all. My wife loves me very much, I know that, she wont have a bad word said about me, she cooks, cleans, cares, and wants to be with me all the time. 

We are just 42 miles from my daughters and there is a train that leaves from their home to my home. I have offered to pay the train fair one way to see us and told them that I would drive them back. My eldest daughter earns good money but neither of them have so far said that they will do it. They say they would like to, but no attempt as yet. 

We call to see them at there home every few weeks and they either jump in the back of the car outside their home for an hour chat or so, or we take them for lunch.

It is hard, but I have heard harder stories than mine.


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## Emerald

First you say they are not welcome in your home & then you say they are.

Which is it?

Forget the train. You offer to pick them up & bring them to your home. They may say no, but keep offering & invite their friends/boyfriends also.

Most teens are very selfish by nature. Then throw in divorce & new partners, it is worse. I raised 2 girls also.

Eventually they will grow up & mature & will come back to you with their hearts but not if they don't feel welcome in your home.


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## JohnPeel

Emerald, Hi, they are welcome in our home, but they are not to stay over. My eldest was seeing a guy with a car and they all came over for the day and we had a BBQ then all went down to the beach. It was really nice.

I know they both love me to bits, because whenever they do anything new they always let me know. When my eldest got her new job a few months ago, she phoned me first because she new I would be over the moon for her.

But yes, they are welcome in our home anytime they want, my wife doesn't stop that and even wants them to be able to come over, but she also wants them to make some sort of effort and not just be babied.

I don't know, Im so confused and that is why I am here asking for your advice. One minute I think I am doing the right thing, and the next minute I am in tears because I feel I have let them down. 

You see, when I was living with my girls, I was the mother figure in a way, I worked all day running my own construction company, and finished work early to cook their dinners, I took them to school, and whenever I suggested taking the girls out for the day it was usually just me and the girls unliess there was somewhere my ex could walk the dog. When I used to kiss and hug my daughters, my ex would prettend to gag, as though it was sickly that I was showing them love.

I wonder whether that has made it much harder to keep myself together and not feel depressed all the time. Im sorry if I am confusing you all, but this is what my mind is like now.

In some ways I wish the girls were a little older and had their own cars and families, so they could come and see me as they please, but then I don't want to wish their young lives away either.


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## JohnPeel

SadSamIAm, they both have boyfriends and both told me when they started seeing them that they wanted me to meet them. They spend all their time with them too. I konw what that was like because I can't remember ever giving a hoot about my mum when I was their age. 

When I was 21 I decided there had to be more to life and so took off around the world. I didn't return home for over 2 years and don't remember ever phoning home either. Mybe its different for boys hey.


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## unbelievable

Your relationship with your daughters existed before your wife. She shouldn't have to tell you how to correct your daughters' stealing, lying, disrespect, etc. They are your daughters. As much as I love my kids, I wouldn't tolerate such disrespect. It's my job to raise them and to turn them into decent human beings. It's not my job to be their friend. As far as your wife telling your business to your mom, that was disrespectful of you and wrong. It was also foolish because your mom is going to think poorly of any woman who deliberately tries to make you look bad. Your ex tells you to move and you move. Your present wife tells you to basically limit contact with your kids and you comply. These people are not your boss. You've lived half a century and can dress yourself and lace your own shoes. There's nothing magical about a vagina that gives someone authority over you. Do what you know to be right and if some female doesn't like it, tell her to get bent. If you haven't earned the right to a little respect in half a century, when do you suppose you'll be entitled to it? You don't need the approval of or permission from any woman. You don't need to divorce anyone. Just quit letting her play "boss".


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## JohnPeel

Unbelievable, you right in so many ways, and you know, I think you have put your finger on a problem. My sister told me today that my mum didn't like the way my wife spoke to me that day with regard to maintenance, and yes, this will stay with my mum now for good.

I think I have felt so low and less of a man for so many years, that it has become part of me. I have only seen my girls on their own without my wife once each, because my wife says there is no reason why I have to see them on my own. I have only seen my mum once on my own, and none of my three sisters on their own since my wife and I have been together in 7 years because my wife says there is no reason to see my sisters on my own, other than to bad mouth my wife. I once went out for a drink with my old friend in an afternoon for just one hour, and got a nasty text of wife for being so long. The only other two time I have been out for a drink without my wife was with her dad for two xmas drinks in the local pub.

Oh dear, its all coming out now isn't it.


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## Emerald

JohnPeel said:


> Unbelievable, you right in so many ways, and you know, I think you have put your finger on a problem. My sister told me today that my mum didn't like the way my wife spoke to me that day with regard to maintenance, and yes, this will stay with my mum now for good.
> 
> I think I have felt so low and less of a man for so many years, that it has become part of me. I have only seen my girls on their own without my wife once each, because my wife says there is no reason why I have to see them on my own. I have only seen my mum once on my own, and none of my three sisters on their own since my wife and I have been together in 7 years because my wife says there is no reason to see my sisters on my own, other than to bad mouth my wife. I once went out for a drink with my old friend in an afternoon for just one hour, and got a nasty text of wife for being so long. The only other two time I have been out for a drink without my wife was with her dad for two xmas drinks in the local pub.
> 
> Oh dear, its all coming out now isn't it.


Yes it is!

Controlling wife.

I have a feeling your daughters do not care for her. I cannot believe your wife will not allow your daughters to spend the night in your own home.

Patterns are hard to break. Just keep reaching out to your daughters & inviting them over for the day & letting them know that you love them.

Here is a warning you might consider:

If you & your wife ever divorce, do not get involved with a childless woman. 

Good luck.


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## JohnPeel

Emerald, your so right. I love my wife to bits, but even today I am wondering how I can tell her I don't want to live this far away from my daughters and I want to sell this house and move back to the other house. She hates the other house because it is too close to her own mum and dad and doesn't want to the closest family member to them to look after them if they are ill.

I feel so sad and lonely without my children, even though I know they will probably spending all their time with their partners and friends even if I did move closer.


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## JohnPeel

I do tell them I love them at leat a couple of times a week over the phone and via text, and when I see them I am always telling them then too. They tell me all the time they love me, and like I said earlier in a post, my 16 year old told me the other day that I was her world, bless her.

I asked my younges last week what she thought of me living 42 miles away, and she said she really like me have such a nice house, and she went on to say it will be hers when Im gone. She is so funny.


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## bobby5

If you love your current wife you cant leave her just on the whim of your teenage daughters. No offence intended but we all become uncool to our children at some stage and you being single and nearby wont help you compete with teenage friends, parties and boyfriends. Thats normal. It will come round again. You will become cool when they settle and really cool when they get older still. Leave your marraige if you dont love your partner. Not because of your daughters stage in life and current attitudes. i feel for your current wife. 
What you make of my story?
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...counseling-end-all-hope-me-help-new-post.html


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## JohnPeel

Well, last night my wife and I had a blowout. We put it all out there what was troubling us both. And I think we are going to try to move forward, together.

I told her that I was fed up of feeling I couldn't see my daughters when I want to, to see my friends when I want to, to see my family when I want to.

She said told me that she has never tried to stop me seeing the girls and never will. She said that SHE had no family other than me and the girls, and loved the girls too. She said I have bought all their xmas prezzies and said that they never text me or her, or call either of us very often, because they are so wrapped up in their own lives with their steady partners. She said she told my 19 year old off last week because she hadn't returned my texts. My daughter said she is working 12 hour shifts and finds it hard to text anyone including her partner. She said tell dad Im sorry and I will try to text him straight back in future. Bless her.

My wife also said that I know some of the reasons why she doesn't want the girls staying over, but also went on to say that there are other reason too, like the house we have near where they live is on the market and is like a show home and we don't live there, and the house we have 42 miles away only has one bedroom at the moment until we have finished construction anyway. She said thats another reason she wants to put a 2 bedroom caravan/trailer next to the house so that the girls can stay whenever they want and with their partners to.

Bobby5, this bit might be of interest to you. She also told me that I have to let go of the past, that I am clinging on to something that isn't there anymore. The girls are growing up fast and have their own lives, and you need to let them become whomever they are going to be, to let them find themselves and let them come over to see us whenever they want and not when we want.

She said, what friends?, all those people who didn't want to know you when you lost your marriage, when you had no money or anywhere to live, where were they? They were like rat's from a sinking ship, but if you feel you need to catch up with these people, then do so, because I have never stopped you, it has been some guilt trip you have been on. She said I have never stopped you from doing anything you want.

She said, when we met you were just out of a 20 year marriage and were depressed then. And you had no money or even a place of your own and your were 41 years old. Now look at you she said, you have 2 houses, one of them paid for and the other with hardly anything to pay on it. You have 2 beautiful daughters who you love and who love you, and you have a wife who loves you maybe a little TOO much. You are healthy and are nearly 50 years old. We have a place here where the girls will be able to come with their families and friends to stay in the caraven/trailer, right near the beech with loads of land that you can build a park in for your grandchildren.

When we sat down and looked at all the plus's, instead of all the bad things, it really is pretty OK, and yes, I do need to stop looking at the girls like they are baby's. 

So fingers crossed for us you lot.


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## JohnPeel

Or is everything OK! Aaarrgg! My head just doesn't stop spinning.


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## South Accountant

Hi JohnPeel. with all respect: YOU ARE NOT married to your daughters! At least they are not married to you. I hope you didn't divorce from your wife as you were leaning toward in one of your posts....Man..you are lucky to have or have had a wife like that.


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## golfergirl

While disrespectful of your wife to discuss with your mom, if she is supporting you (said disability payments not much) and your daughter is working full-time, I would resent you payment full amount to ex if not legally required to. I have an18 and 21 year old and they make their own way. Yes I help as a mom would, allowing 18 year old to live cheap rent at home as he gets his trade, helping daughter with groceries and phone bill as she got her education (school paid for). The 18 year old sounds gainfully employed living at home, why would you need to pay full support for her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl

You seem confused John. On one hand does she sound like she plans in including kids and agrees with everything but on the other hand put roadblocks so it seems like she is being supportive but really isn't? Your posts show both. One hand she sounds like a step parent dream but on other hand she sounds sneaky. I have a spouse like that. Sounds like he is doing the world and nothing is a problem. Of course you can go for supper with your girlfriends, I just get mad when you say a time you'll be home and you're 5 minutes late. So I am on time - still finds another problem. Very manipulative. Is that what you are deal with? Because if I had to write down on paper my issue with him, I couldn't and would think I'm nuts. But I know I'm not and there is something below the surface.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JohnPeel

golfergirl said:


> You seem confused John.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Im confused, and don't know what has happened to me. I used to be strong and now feel so sad and not the MAN I used to be.

Yesterday I had an appointment to see my Doctor, which usually takes an hour or and hour and a half sometimes, then I had to pick up my meds, and I asked my wife if it was OK that I see my friend who is hospital.

In total I was gone for nearly 4 hours, and she phoned me to tell me that I needed to get back because she had things to do. She had me drop her off at her mums while I went to docs, med and hospital, and she wanted me to take her home.

She wasnt right the rest of the day, and yesterday morning she woke me up and told me we needed to sort this out. She demanded I tell her why it took me so long to do what I was doing, and she didnt stop shouting and calling me all kinds of things from 9am yesterday morning, until 12 midnight.

She also phoned my mum and told her how bad I was to be gone so long, and how wrong I was for wanting some time for myself.

At midnight she said she loved me to bits and wanted to sort it out and for us to stay together, and we should start fresh the next morning.

Of course, I still wont be allowed out on my own, and Im destroyed, because I actually do love her.


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## golfergirl

JohnPeel said:


> Im confused, and don't know what has happened to me. I used to be strong and now feel so sad and not the MAN I used to be.
> 
> Yesterday I had an appointment to see my Doctor, which usually takes an hour or and hour and a half sometimes, then I had to pick up my meds, and I asked my wife if it was OK that I see my friend who is hospital.
> 
> In total I was gone for nearly 4 hours, and she phoned me to tell me that I needed to get back because she had things to do. She had me drop her off at her mums while I went to docs, med and hospital, and she wanted me to take her home.
> 
> She wasnt right the rest of the day, and yesterday morning she woke me up and told me we needed to sort this out. She demanded I tell her why it took me so long to do what I was doing, and she didnt stop shouting and calling me all kinds of things from 9am yesterday morning, until 12 midnight.
> 
> She also phoned my mum and told her how bad I was to be gone so long, and how wrong I was for wanting some time for myself.
> 
> At midnight she said she loved me to bits and wanted to sort it out and for us to stay together, and we should start fresh the next morning.
> 
> Of course, I still wont be allowed out on my own, and Im destroyed, because I actually do love her.


Does she drive? Or did she set it up to be 'waiting for you' to manipulate your time? It's your appointment (those can take forever) yet you need to be accountable to her because she's left waiting. Why doesn't she stay home? Why doesn't she take her car? See what I mean? You are heading to an appointment you have no control over the timing yet you get grief over it. Next time I would make her travel under her own steam or stay home. I think you need to make alone time a priority whether she likes it or not. You outgrew your curfew ages in your teens. I get kids looked after so he's not needing me home for particular reason, then he can suck eggs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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