# Heart Broken



## dragon27 (Jan 8, 2013)

Let me start by saying that on New Years Eve my wife told me she isn't in love with me anymore. This caught me by surprise. When I asked what was going on, I got the standard answer that it was her and not me. She went on to say she was unhappy and needed to find out why. 

So here's a little background. We've been married for 20 years. We have two kids, a boy that is 19 and a girl that is 11. For the most part things have been happy. We've traveled and have done many things with our kids. We live in a nice home, also for 20 years, and have established a great group of friends. 

About 5 years ago she started having these periods where she would be very distant. I'd ask her something and I would get a vague response and usually with no eye contact. Also she would pass through a room and it would be like I wasn't there. I would ask her about this and she would either say that I'm crazy or she didn't know she was doing this and apologize. This would let up for a couple of months but only to drift right back into this. I would see her treat the kids, our friends, her colleagues, even our pets with complete attention and affection. Me, nothing. I've had more than a dozen conversations about this over the years. This November and December were absolutely the worst. It had gotten out of control and I had an opportunity on New Years eve to ask her about it and above was the result. 

Some more information... She does not communicate well. She holds on to emotions even past the point of return. So with this I've got to approach her each time to discuss. Within this past week, I've approached her six times. Each time with different ploys to get information out of her. First she told me she's been harboring these feelings for over 3 years that she can remember of not being in love and very unhappy. She didn't say anything because she wanted to spare my feelings. That's right, for over 3 years (I think longer), she has been 'sparing my feelings'. Who does this????

She also said she felt smothered. She gave the example that she couldn't be in a room by herself for more than 3 seconds before I show up. I admit, this is true to a degree. She had shut me out of the other part of her life, work. So I've been feeling a bit insecure. More so because of how she's been acting as of late. I've really been worried she's been having an affair. I'm not the type to snoop around or impose on someone's privacy so I have no evidence of this other than what is happening and a gut feeling.

She then said that our sex life was 'not good'. She made it a point to say that she was intimate with me to 'spare my feelings' and to lesson my insecurity. She went on to say I'm a very insecure person and I need to work on that but couldn't give any examples. I pointed out what brought us to having this discussion and possible that maybe a root to my insecurity. UGH!

I've asked her several times about what she's trying to work out. She wants to make sure she makes the right decision but she is trying to figure out if separation or working this out is best. How long? Who knows. I asked that if she's been unhappy all these years and not in love with me, why would she even contemplate stay? Why is she still here? Her answer, she would stay for the kids. I told her that was a poor answer and that she needed to leave. She then asked why she should be the one to leave. I explained that I'm very much in love with her, I want to honor my vows. Since she is the one who can't be around me then she needs to leave. I feel in my heart that is the right thing. 

She's dropped hints that she is tired and wants 'her own time' for a change. She is tired of not just me but also work, kids, etc. I reminded her that was life. She doesn't know if this is a phase but can a phase last this long?

I blame her for a lot. I blame her for not communicating her feelings a long time ago and allowing this to get to the point it is at now. I can not seem to get past the fact that she lied about our sex life. She was ALWAYS the instigator when it came to being intimate so I never thought anything there. I am really having a hard time with that. 

I'm at the point where I just don't know what to do. I really don't know what she is waiting for. She wants to be independent but wants to think about it... this sounds confusing. I do love her very much and ultimately want to see her happy but this whole thing is starting to get to my feelings about our friendship. I'm developing some really big resentments towards her. The sex thing.... I just can't get over that. 

I'm heart broken and confused. We didn't talk at all last night. This morning she yelled from the bedroom door into the bathroom where I was to have a good day at work and left. I never responded nor have I communicated with her all day today. I believe I'm just about over this. Should I wait for her to respond as to what she wants or do I need to intervene and get things going towards a separation? I'm open to whatever feedback. Thanks in advance.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Gut feelings are right far more often than they are wrong.

You have every right to snoop and see if she is cheating on you.

What she's saying sounds very much like what cheaters say when they are in the fog.

That would be my first step. Snoop. Spy. Just don't let on what you're doing, or she will go farther underground if she is cheating.

I will be surprised if she isn't, but on the off chance she isn't, then you can move on to other things.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I agree with Hope. There's someone else or she want's someone else. She's been keeping you in the dark for years. Don't allow yourself to be left in the dark about your life, SNOOP!!!

Read this book now. "Married Man Sex Life Primer" by A Kay. 

It's not a book about sex. 

Married Man Sex Life


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

It sounds like she is rewriting the history of your relationship. Very common for people who are involved with someone or thinking about it. She needs to demonize you in some way to justify what she is feeling. 

Btw, you do not want to get things towards a seperation,especially if there might be someone else. This would allow her to test drive her new man while having you as a plan B if it doesn't work out. Tell her if she no longer wants to be married then you will oblige her. 
Tell her very clearly that if she does not want to work on the marriage then you will have no choice but to file for divorce. 

Do not let her think about it for too long. She'll keep your marriage in this state for years which gives her time to line up your replacement. (If she hasn't already) 

Do not live in the limbo of seperation. Do the snooping part first. The more information you are armed with the better. 

Do not leave your home under any circumstances. She should leave. If she does. you file.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

I know the feeling my friend.
You have probably left non verbal cues that you'd like some intimacy (not sex) from her that she refuses to pick up on.
Cues that she normally would have before. Trust me, she knows all it would take to get you back is some cuddling and an apology. Maybe not even that.
Screw that! 
I am in the same boat as you but with a different frame of mind right now.
My wife has checked out and is most likely having an affair.
She still lives with me though until all is figured out.
Here is what I am doing. 
Since she is home! Use the days off or free time you have to reinvent or Re-do yourself.
Take a class, join a gym,group and other enrichment opportunities that may come about. Let her watch the little girl while you do so.
Start imagining that you guys are getting divorced.
Imagine you starting a separate life. When it gets to much, you can stop because she is still there right?
By doing this, you build up your strength should she choose that option.
Also, do not care about what she is doing. Do not be rude but say she wants to go out, don't ask her what time will she be home, where is she going, etc...
Do not explain why you're doing things to improv/ help yourself.
For example: I signed up fora guitar course and asked her if she could start taking Wednesdays off.
She asked me why. I told her I had a guitar course on Wednesdays and she could do what she wanted to on her other night off. I didn't tell her I signed up because I want to enrich my life or because I feel I need hobbies.. At this point it is none of their business.
Start thinking about how awesome you can make your life once you are no longer wasting energy wondering what she will do.
And lastly.. Mentally prepare for it to end because she may choose that route.


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## dragon27 (Jan 8, 2013)

Thank you all for all the wonderful responses. Since this post I've done a little snooping and didn't find much. I did find out she lied about some things but nothing that is earth shattering. 

She and I have chatted a couple of times and have decided to just divorce. I move out of the house this week into an apartment that is very close by so I can still care for my little girl. 

This separation will assist with clearing our heads so we can get things in order. We have a lot of debt and 20 years worth of material items to sort through. So this separation will be a while. 

We broke this news to our kids who took it amazingly well. My son is 19 and seemed to completely understand. My daughter has hopes that things will turn out better but understands also. 

Like the last reply to my original posting, I am not asking any more questions and I'm working hard not to care about what she does. Its hard and I realize it will take time but I am surrounded by a great group of friends who will keep me busy. So I'm not going to go sit in an apartment alone and thinking. 

The one thing that my wife and I have agreed upon is to work on our friendship so we can get through this divorce as civil as possible and we can still attend family/children events together. I admit, this last part is going to be difficult for me. I have lots of bitterness and resentment right now but I'm working through all that. I've started to see a psychologist and she is giving me a lot of things to think about that should help me in the long run.

Again, than you for the replies. Each one of these helped.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Thanks for the update and I wish you all the best!!


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