# A different "infidelity" related issue



## scaramouche (Oct 14, 2013)

Hi All,

I am a lurker and have grown to appreciate the collected wisdom here at TAM. 
With that said I have a question/problem that I have not seen before and I don't know what the right course of action would be. I'm not even sure exactly which heading it should go under but it does seem to have to do with infidelity so here goes.

My question is basically this what do I "owe" my father if he cheated on my mother?

I suppose some explanation is in order. I am a 40 something year old man, married almost 20 years to the best person in the world with 2 great kids. My father and I are very close. My parents are still married and get along with each other very well. My father is dying. It is unlikely he will live past this holiday season.

About 18 years ago there was a change in my parents marriage. I don't know the details but I can read between the lines. I am 99% sure my dad cheated on my mom. There was a lot of tension between them, but it was never shared with us what the cause was. There were many tense years between them.

About 10 years ago my mom was diagnosed with cancer. My dad , who had been something of an exile living within the house became superman. He cared for my mom. He was her protector and he was fierce at it. He took her to the doctor, he tended to her physical needs night and day. It was obvious he was proving something to her and to himself. After a hard year she recovered and they had a renewed level of closeness that had been missing for almost a decade. It was nice to see.

Since that time my dad has made comments about losing my Mom's trust and his self respect and nearly losing his family. He has talked about the years it took to get her to even like him again and earning it back. I have changed the topic, walked out of the room or cut him off. I don't feel it is my place to know the details. Just as having an affair is selfish, wanting to unburden himself to me strikes me as selfish too. I am the wrong person to tell. I have a dog in this fight so to speak because of my love for my mother.

So now we are the stage where the end is near and I can tell my dad wants to make this sort of death bed confession so that I can tell him it is okay or forgive him or whatever it is he wants. I know that having my respect as a man is very important to my dad. Emotionally, I am not the person who can give him absolution. I just can't do it. I feel that he made his bed and has to lie in it about this. 

Am I being needlessly cruel to a dying man by not providing him this comfort. I know if I learn the details I am going to have process his infidelity and selfishness when I would rather just concentrate on the good parts of my dad because he is in fact a wonderful man and a great father.

What would you do?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

If he feels the need to unburden himself to his son, let him. He wants to go out honestly without any lies or secrets between you. He's dying! Let it go. Your mother did. Then tell him that he's always been a great father to you and that you love him and that's what matters to you.


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## still numb (Oct 31, 2012)

My advice would be to tell him to remember that you are the one who is going to have to live with whatever confession he makes for the rest of your life and to please consider that before he makes any confession that will cause you pain.

Tell him what you told us, you think he is a wonderful man and a great father and that's how you want to remember him.

If he still must burden you, then I guess you have to listen.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Your mother has kept his infidelity from you so it wouldn't cause a separation between the two of you.

Honor her intentions as she is the one who has been most wronged by his actions.

Follow her lead, if she is good with your dad then you too should try your best to be good with him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yes. That would be cruel. Life is too short.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Since you already know what he is going to tell you, does it really matter. You know it in your heart what he has done.

You see he has made a mistake but he worked very hard to correct it. I'm glad your mom didn't throw him away because he was broken. They worked it out, fixed it and look how your dad redeemed himself with your mom. 

Remember him for who he is. He seems like a good dad.


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## scaramouche (Oct 14, 2013)

Norajane, Stillnumb, Tacoma. Thank you for taking the time to chime in.I guess I'm just resentful of having to deal with his infidelity now rather than dealing with it earlier. It feels like it is the elephant in the room. It's stupid and petty but I guess I am mad at him about it but I don't want to be mad at him now.

I just want to hug him and to tell him i love him. i dont want to have to deal with this this too.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Well, you ARE dealing with it. What difference is him telling you going to make?

Why don't you get your mom and dad together and then get him to tell you? If your mom is ok with that. And be sure and tell your dad that you resent not being told at the time.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

scaramouche said:


> I just want to hug him and to tell him i love him. i dont want to have to deal with this this too.


That's all you have to do. If he did something in the past to betray your mother, as long as she knows about it. Then that's between them. You are not the one he needs forgiveness from. So, if he wants to put it out there, all you have to do is hug him and tell him you love him. 

I doubt he will ask for more, but if he does, just hug him again and remind him that life is complicated, he has had time to process this information. In time you will too, but for now, you will remind him that you love him.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Scaramouche: Your Dad is now at a point that he needs your love and understanding far more than he needs human judgment. When he leaves this world, make sure that he leaves it knowing that you love him, despite those many transgressions of his.

God wants us to forgive! Given that, tell your Dad that you love him and just leave the judgment part to God!

Best of luck to you, my friend!*


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## scaramouche (Oct 14, 2013)

Hope1964, thanks for your feedback. I am not resentful at not being told, I am resentful it occurred and particularly that he wants to tell me about it. We are close like friends in addition to father and son. I wish I could just be the son and he had another friend that he unburdened this to. Stupid I know. Just the reality of the end of his life is rushing in and my emotions aren't making any sense to me.


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## LivingBreathing (Feb 21, 2013)

I understand where you are coming from, I do. I have dealt with the same circumstances. I remember well when things changed at home. I was 14 years old at the time, and my mom told me and my brother that dad had a girlfriend and that she was going to fight for him and she wanted us to understand that this had nothing to do with us but was absolutely between her and him. Of course, it had everything to do with us and my relationship with my dad was never quite the same again. My parents did reconcile and I can honestly say that my dad spent the rest of his life proving to mom how much he loved her. 
But there was always this awkwardness between me and my dad, this unspoken resentment. It was there at his deathbed. Since it was never discussed with us kids, dad didn't know how much we knew or if we knew anything at all. 
I think, in the past, he wanted to get it off his chest many times, but now he was out of time. I mentioned it myself. I thought I had forgiven him, but only realized true forgiveness that day.
Just a suggestion and maybe not even a good one, but perhaps you might consider bringing it up. A lot of good could come out of it.


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## scaramouche (Oct 14, 2013)

Thanks living breathing. That sounds very brave. I don't know if I could do it honestly.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I was sort of in this position last year. I discussed it with my trusted therapist. She helped me come to the conclusion that I didn't need nor want the closure. My father made his bed and I didn't want to reach out.

The biggest thing she asked me to do is to consider the idea of regret. If I didn't do this would I regret it? The answer was no so I didn't.

It's been a year since he died and nope still don't have regret so it was the right choice for me. 

Again my situation was different and everyone must decide this for themselves. Once he's gone he's gone.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

scaramouche said:


> Hope1964, thanks for your feedback. I am not resentful at not being told, I am resentful it occurred and particularly that he wants to tell me about it. We are close like friends in addition to father and son. I wish I could just be the son and he had another friend that he unburdened this to. Stupid I know. Just the reality of the end of his life is rushing in and my emotions aren't making any sense to me.


Did you ever make a mistake in your life you wish to God you could atone for? Your dad seems to have done this.

He is telling you because he loves you and doesn't want there to be any secrets between you. He loves you enough to tell you although he fears that if you know the truth you will not love him like you used to. He is doing it out of respect for you. He is hoping you will forgive him but he thinks you have the right to know who he is.

You may want to preempt him. You can tell him, Dad I know you have wanted to tell me something for a long time and I already know what it is. I just want you to know that I love you and you don't need to tell me. You are a good man.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Scar, I'm a 53 year old son of a father that also cheated on mom. I would not want to hear the details either. I think part of what your dad caused and the pain that comes with it (consequences) must stay with him. If he were a decent man, he would understand this dynamic and respect you, his son. To put his sheet on you is an exceedingly selfish thing to do. Yes I know he is dying and old and remorseful but that changes nothing. He should respect you, the son of his wife, whom he betrayed. I would just cut him off when he attempts to burden you with the sordid hurtful details. Suggest he call a clergy or shrink the next time he wants to confess. He needs to respect you. Your feelings are much more important because you were a victim of him; you had no cause in his deceit. Hold firm.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I would hear him out. You think you already know and likely do. 

Maybe he wants you to learn com his mistake. You'll never know unless you listen. 

Good luck
WD
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Scaramouche:

I am sorry you are in this position. It's a tough place to be. 

You are still angry at your dad. You are angry because he neglected your mom and, of course, you, too, while he had a frivolous affair. 

He did make up for it as best he could to your mom. Some never do that. He and your mom then went on to have a strong relationship once again. 

But the question remains do you feel, he made it up to YOU?

The thing to consider for your own comfort is that once he dies, you will not be able to change your mind and grant him the forgiveness he may ask for. 

To that end, it might be best, to forgive him if he asks, or to even bring up the affair yourself and tell him you forgive him and love him. 

The above is all based on whether or not you actually do love him. 

Was he a good dad post affair? Did he ever physically abuse you, ever? 

If he abused you or was not a good dad, don't feel obligated to forgive him. He may or may not have to answer to a higher power when he dies. You are not a bad person for failing to forgive someone who is or has been abusive

If, however, you do love him. Forgive him for your OWN PEACE OF MIND. Do it for yourself not for him. 

Don't deprive yourself the opportunity to forgive him, because after he dies, you can't change your mind. 

Just some food for thought. 





scaramouche said:


> Hi All,
> 
> I am a lurker and have grown to appreciate the collected wisdom here at TAM.
> With that said I have a question/problem that I have not seen before and I don't know what the right course of action would be. I'm not even sure exactly which heading it should go under but it does seem to have to do with infidelity so here goes.
> ...


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

scaramouche said:


> Hi All,
> 
> I am a lurker and have grown to appreciate the collected wisdom here at TAM.
> With that said I have a question/problem that I have not seen before and I don't know what the right course of action would be. I'm not even sure exactly which heading it should go under but it does seem to have to do with infidelity so here goes.
> ...


I would look at it from 2 steps. 1. To give a dieing man a chance to relieve his sould and 2. To not judge him beyond my mother's eyes. 

Based on what you're saying, it's obvious your mother knew. It's also obvious that your Father fits the "good" cheater mold of true remorse and guilt etc. He doesn't sound like a "bad" cheater who, now that he's dieing, has come to realize it was bad, he knew it then and made amends to the person whom he hurt the most.

I could forgive my father, because my mother forgave him AND he seems to have done what was needed to move past an affair.

I also have large shoulders and can carry a great deal of weight...so there's that too.


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## scaramouche (Oct 14, 2013)

MovingAhead;5162481
He is telling you because he loves you and doesn't want there to be any secrets between you. He loves you enough to tell you although he fears that if you know the truth you will not love him like you used to. He is doing it out of respect for you. He is hoping you will forgive him but he thinks you have the right to know who he is.
[/QUOTE said:


> I like this interpretation and think this may be close to the truth.


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## scaramouche (Oct 14, 2013)

workindad said:


> I would hear him out. You think you already know and likely do.
> 
> Maybe he wants you to learn com his mistake. You'll never know unless you listen.
> 
> ...


I know this is true. As uncomfortable as it was, one of his comments once came at the right time to stop me from possibly going down a path I would have regretted. I did not want to be in the place he is talking to my son.


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## scaramouche (Oct 14, 2013)

Remorseful Strayer- No abuse. he has always been my biggest cheerleader and support. Ironically enough he is also my mom's


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## scaramouche (Oct 14, 2013)

Dad and Hubby. Thanks I needed that. Time to sack up and do the right thing.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

scaramouche said:


> I know this is true. As uncomfortable as it was, one of his comments once came at the right time to stop me from possibly going down a path I would have regretted. I did not want to be in the place he is talking to my son.


Well, then, he did teach you a valuable lesson. 

I wonder why, given that you almost went down a similar path, except for his comments, that you don't feel more empathy for him. 

Is there something else you are angry at him about. 

Did he ignore you financially or emotionally while in the affair?

Some people neglect their entire family while in an affair, some manage to jungle both without taking time from the family. 

What happened in your situation?


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## scaramouche (Oct 14, 2013)

remorseful strayer said:


> Well, then, he did teach you a valuable lesson.
> 
> I wonder why, given that you almost went down a similar path, accept for his comments, that you don't feel more empathy for him.
> 
> ...


You'll have to forgive me as I am trying to work through my emotions here so when I am with him I can concentrate on him and the things he needs (emotionally) and not be processing this other stuff. I want to be wholly present for him.

I feel empathy for him. but I also made a different choice. Maybe the similarity is uncomfortable for me. I'm not sure. 

I don't think I am angry at him for anything else. I just don't want to be angry at him at all. 

I guess the reality is I have years to deal with this and he only has days. This would be a big thing to let go of but there are few other people in the world I would be willing to let it go for.

I guess this is just a bit of business he feels he needs to complete

edited to add: no abuse- a little loud sometimes but he was driven to be the father he never had.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Death is a difficult time for all family members. My dad died last year. He made a bedroom confession, not as dramatic as your father might make. I found confort in it. We had a good good bye. I made up with my father years ago. My brothers never did. My oldest living brother stated that he wanted to pis* on my father's grave. I get it. I just got over my father's issues and made up with him.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> Death is a difficult time for all family members. My dad died last year. He made a bedroom confession, not as dramatic as your father might make. I found confort in it. We had a good good bye. I made up with my father years ago. My brothers never did. My oldest living brother stated that he wanted to pis* on my father's grave. I get it. I just got over my father's issues and made up with him.


*Thorburn: You're 20 times the man that your brothers are!*


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

scaramouche said:


> You'll have to forgive me as I am trying to work through my emotions here so when I am with him I can concentrate on him and the things he needs (emotionally) and not be processing this other stuff. I want to be wholly present for him.
> 
> I feel empathy for him. but I also made a different choice. Maybe the similarity is uncomfortable for me. I'm not sure.
> 
> ...


Scaramouche:

Thorburn makes a good point by mentioning the different behaviors between he and his brothers and their reactions after death.

It's best for you to do what you feel driven to do. If you want to let it go, do so. If not, do so.

I think your dad is putting you in a terrible situation by treating you like his father confessor rather than a son, but in his defense, he is likely not thinking clearly at this time. People can sometimes regress and become childlike, when dying. 

Do you think you will regret not engaging him in this conversation you so dread?

If you will not regret refusing to discuss it, then maybe you can gently change the topic, when it seems he is about to bring it up. 

You love him, you said, and want to love him, so maybe you can just keep reassuring him that you do love him. 

Tell him some of the things you mentioned in this thread.....that you are close to him and love him and just attend to his physical needs right now. 

Make him comfortable. Tell him you love him as often as possible. 

At the end, what more could a dad want, but to know his son loves him and to have his son at his bedside. 

Whatever decision you make, regarding this issue, it was not made with harmful intent. This is an emotionally loaded issue, and I can understand your desire to avoid this conversation.

Your dad is lucky to have someone like you as a son. 

Just the fact you are hear questioning things, and second guessing yourself...shows what a good son you are.


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## HangingOnHope (Oct 26, 2013)

I'm sorry you're facing this dilemma in what must be a terribly difficult & painful process of loss.

If it were me, yes, I'd let him unburden himself if I already strongly suspected what the burden was. But I'd preempt it with a discussion that if there is something he wants to tell you that involves mom, you need assurance that she is on board with his telling you. After all, imo, it is her story too.

If you already forgive him in your heart for what you suspect he has done in his past, this is a gift you can give him and your mother. She may never want to speak of it, but if she knows he will tell you...she may want to talk about it as well now. Just a thought. 

Again, I'm sorry for the loss you're experiencing. *hugs


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*The way I see it is that when we all are ultimately ascending to Heaven, please rest assured that our loving Heavenly Father is going to expect to hear out our unforgiven confessions and trangressions, more especially of how we feel that we may have come to have wronged our brothers and sisters while situated on this earthly plain.

Given that, certainly we can emulate the love of God in hearing out the confessions of those who desire to leave this world with a clear and much cleaner conscience!*


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Death of a close family member is difficult anytime.

But the truth is that you are speculating about everything. You are guessing about what happened years ago and you are guessing about him wanting unburden himself. You could be correct on all of this. On the other hand you could be totally off base here.

You have no idea how much your mother knows. You have no idea of how they have dealt with whatever happened as a couple, but it seems they have come to terms with it.

So if he want to "confess" to you, maybe he wants to apologize to you, maybe he thinks that you should know the truth.

If he tells you something - then accept it. That is all you have to do.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I have theological training. I have been a minister for many years. I have seen the worse, heard the worse, and lived through the worse.

Forgiveness is not for the one who offends you. It is for you. No one really deserves it, but it is something we can offer.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> I have theological training. I have been a minister for many years. I have seen the worse, heard the worse, and lived through the worse.
> 
> *Forgiveness is not for the one who offends you. It is for you. No one really deserves it, but it is something we can offer.*


*Amen, Thorburn!*


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