# I've ruined my life



## Lsot1 (Aug 8, 2008)

Hi, I am new on here and in desperate need for help.

I have been married for nearly 24 years and have 2 sons, 20 and 22 who still live at home but will be moving to their own places in the next couple of months. I am 49 and my wife is 45.

Over the last few years I have been drinking a lot at home, I have been staying up late, getting up late and basically ignoring everything around me. I didn't realise this at the time, but I am an alcoholic. I have become overweight but my wife is as slim as ever.

My wife and I have had many discussions regarding my drinking and the fact that I have been killing myself. I have said on numerous ocassions that I will stop, and once did, for 2 months. I then seemed to think everything was Ok and grdaully started again. 

My wife has become more distant over the last 2 or 3 weeks and it ended up with me asking her what the problem was. She said that she had got to the end (she had been crying alone in our bedroom and I never knew) of her tether. She had tried everything she could but our marriage was over. She doesn't find me physically attractive anymore and hasn't done for some time. She loves me but is not in love with me, she has to leave. She had already been planning to move into rented accomodation during the last 2 weeks but I didn't know or was too wound up in my own life that I never noticed. This happened 2 days ago and as she hasn't found another place yet, she is still here. She is sleeping on the couch now because being in the same bed just isn't right anymore. (that killed me as well)

On top of all that, I have been trying to run my own business for the last 4 years and that has now failed. My car has been repossessed and the tax man is making me bankrupt and taking our house to cover some of the debt.

I have been trying to cope with the business and financial situation but have been reverting to alcohol to numb the pain. I never drink before 5 pm and have tried to carry on working my business, but if I have a drink I don't know when to stop.

My world has now literally fallen apart. I realise that I am the cause of the breakdown and have discussed this with my wife. I have also signed up with Alcholics Anonymous and have STOPPED drinking. It's ruined my whole life.

I am so afraid an upset and can't stop crying. My wife says that I needed this and I have to sort myself out. I have suggested couple counselling but she says it's too late for anything now and she has to go. I feel so desperate and need to know if there's even a glimmer of hope for the future.

She has said that she still cares for me and she has to go before things get nasty, she doen't want that. She says she will always be there for support at the end of the telephone and wants us to remain friends.

I feel the need to ask her over and over again to stay, but I am afraid this will push her away. I can't think of any future without her. I don't know whether it would be better if she went sooner rather than later to help us both come to terms with it. It all appears so final, she's told our 2 sons, our friends, her mother, and wants me to tell my parents. She has made plans to have the pets rehomed. 

I am going to be left alone in a house that will taken from me, with no money, no business, no marriage and it feels like no hope.

I know that I can make myself better and cure the drinking and get a job but I can't face the prospect of her leaving.

Do you think there is any hope for us?. I need to know but am too afraid to ask her. She has said that sshe has no plans for the future but just needs to be alone.

I can't stop feeling that I have thrown everything away and that I realise this and want to make it better. It's all my fault and I wish I had listened to her more.


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

You can read my response on the other thread. You do not need to make several posts as it will be disruptive for the forums.

draconis


----------

