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## Anonymouswife123 (Jan 26, 2020)

x


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

See a lawyer. Your husband is abusive and potentially dangerous.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

What do you keep arguing about? The months after a baby arrives can be very exhausting, with lack of sleep and a strain on the marriage and it can cause both of you to get stressed and short tempered. I wonder if some marriage counselling may help you to both learn to communicate better.


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## Anonymouswife123 (Jan 26, 2020)

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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Do you really want to be financially dependent on a man like that?


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## Imagirl (Aug 17, 2020)

Yup, you have a couple of things going on I think, the overwhelming adjustment a new baby can bring to a relationship and him being the sole breadwinner now. Men stress about being able to provide for their family. However a man should never get physical with you unless he's restraining you if you're being physical with him. That doesn't seem to be the case. Beware. How a man handles himself in a stressful situation says a lot.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I would get this ****head thrown out of the house while paying for you and the baby!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Anonymouswife123 said:


> Thanks for your response.
> 
> We’ve mostly argued about things that are trivial, but my concern is how quickly he turns into such a hateful person when we’re in a disagreement... but what bothers me the most is how he disregards me pointing out that our baby in nearby. It makes my mind go crazy... what happens when our baby is older? Does he think he can do this because I’m “stuck” (according to him)? I don’t want our child thinking that is acceptable. It’s like he has to prove a point that no one is going to ask him to lower his voice or something. He goes from 0 to 100 after only 1 minute of an argument. His go-to is telling me “this conversation is over” and proceeding to ignore the rest of the day.
> 
> You’re right, the time after a new baby arrives is and can be extremely trying. That’s why I’ve really tried to be patient with this, but the physicality of this last argument really threw me.


Did he sort of push/lead you or did he forcefully shove you?


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Unfortunately, it isn't normal. In your position, I would continue to work. This way, if he continues to act that way, you can support yourself if you need to leave. I wouldn't want anyone to take advantage of me/hold it against me that I'm not working.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Anonymouswife123 said:


> Thanks for your response.
> 
> We’ve mostly argued about things that are trivial, but my concern is how quickly he turns into such a hateful person when we’re in a disagreement... but what bothers me the most is how he disregards me pointing out that our baby in nearby. It makes my mind go crazy... what happens when our baby is older? Does he think he can do this because I’m “stuck” (according to him)? I don’t want our child thinking that is acceptable. It’s like he has to prove a point that no one is going to ask him to lower his voice or something. He goes from 0 to 100 after only 1 minute of an argument. His go-to is telling me “this conversation is over” and proceeding to ignore the rest of the day.
> 
> You’re right, the time after a new baby arrives is and can be extremely trying. That’s why I’ve really tried to be patient with this, but the physicality of this last argument really threw me.


That doesn’t really answer Diane’s question.

What are these arguments about and what is triggering them? 

Not that any topic justifies physical force/violence, but what is causing these arguments in the first place?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

And also, what was your interaction like prior to the baby? 

Were you having frequent arguments then and were they quickly becoming powder kegs of anger and volatility then or only after the baby?


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

No. That's not normal, from the way you describe it. Asking for space, and maybe saying "I need a few minutes I'm really angry" before excusing himself might be better. But that is your room and the comments remind me a lot of what XH used to say to me. He thought because we had a baby and I didn't have a job that he could do whatever he wanted. But this should not be how any human being treats another, even if you were fighting. What if he loses his temper with the baby?

Look into getting a job - remote work is pretty good when you have a baby so you can get your work done when the baby is resting. Talk to a lawyer about what your options are for custody, and talk to him about how to proceed with the house. Do you have family nearby?


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## Anonymouswife123 (Jan 26, 2020)

x


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## Anonymouswife123 (Jan 26, 2020)

x


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Anonymouswife123 said:


> He wrapped his arms around me with my arms down by my side, picked me up off the ground, but then lost his grip... dropped me to where my feet were on the ground and continued shoving until I was out of the room. I had red marks on my arms, stomach, and chest.
> 
> And to answer another poster’s question, I did not touch him before, during, or after this.


Make it clear that if he ever touches you again in this way you are leaving, job or no job. Also say that if he yells at you again, you will leave the room or the house until he calms down. Then get some marriage counselling.


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## Anonymouswife123 (Jan 26, 2020)

x


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## Anonymouswife123 (Jan 26, 2020)

x


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

One more question for background info - did he truly want a child?

Now by that I don’t mean did he ‘consent’ to having a child and knowingly have unprotected sex with knowledge that that is where babies come from.

I mean did he have an innate yearning to have children and would talk about kids, read pregnancy and baby books, watch YouTube videos, was he involved in charting your temps and ovulation cycles, did he buy boxers without being asked and followed a diet and supplements to improve his sperm count? 

Was he excited about building and furnishing a nursery and turned himself into a DIYer worthy of an HGTV show? 

OR...... 

Did he basically keep to his normal lifestyle and routines and nod his head and say, “uh huh” when you would talk about the baby in any fashion and pretty much just write out the checks and do what you ask?

Or even a darker side, does he seem put off or even resentful by the change in lifestyle and routine and the imposition of having to deal with a baby and moody wife instead of going on motorcycle rides with his bros? 

Be honest with yourself and with us. Was he really personally invested into this or was he just going along with it because that is what we are often brought up to do?


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## Anonymouswife123 (Jan 26, 2020)

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## Anonymouswife123 (Jan 26, 2020)

x


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Anonymouswife123 said:


> Yes, he WANTED to have kids. In fact, I was the one that was on the fence about it and he pushed it. He has been talking about having a second child next year. He was very involved in our planning (ovulation, etc) and preparing the nursery. That’s the weird part, he’s an AMAZING dad and loves our baby so well. That’s why I think this is stemming from work related stress and feeling like he’s “not doing enough”... because this particular argument started with me ask why he didn’t do XYZ, it further supports that he might be feeling that way and lashed out.
> 
> I totally get that he’s under a lot of pressure at work and maybe I should have approached my question differently, but at the end of the day what’s lingering in my mind is... can I be with someone that can’t handle stress to the point of getting physical or downright hateful? All because I worded something “wrong?” I feel like I’ll always be waiting on life’s next curve ball that will send him over th edge. Talk about walking on egg shells.


Ok this is all painting a picture.

Bottom line is his anger and physical force etc is not ok. 

Babies do bring a lot of stress and pressure to all parties but as parents you need to have a unified front and work together, not fly into rages and physical confrontation. 

The catch here is you need to get his undivided attention and draw a heavy line in the sand on what is not acceptable behavior and what will not be tolerated under any circumstances.

Now I’m assuming you weren’t flying off the handle yourself and hitting him, spitting on him, screaming in his face and not letting him exit the room etc. 

But even if so, both of you need to draw on line on that type of behavior.

If you need to take babe and exit the house and stay with friend/relative for a few days for the dust to settle then have counseling/anger management/parenting classes/whatever as contingent on returning, then do whatever it takes for him to wake up and see the light and address his behavior. He needs to realize the gravity.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Anonymouswife123 said:


> Another question I have is how to handle this...
> 
> If I were to approach him and say that I won’t tolerate his treatment of me or if he touches me again that I will leave... he’s so prideful he would say something like “then leave” or something to that effect. I know he doesn’t really want that, but he would definitely “cut his nose off to spite his face,” if you get what in saying.


I wouldn't make any empty threats, then he really won't take you seriously. And it's hard to leave with the baby, b/c in a court of law, can't they say it's abandonment, or not allowing him access to his child? I'm not well versed in this area, so forgive me if i'm wrong. But, is there someplace you could go temporarily? A family member or friend perhaps? Just to show you mean business?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Anonymouswife123 said:


> Another question I have is how to handle this...
> 
> If I were to approach him and say that I won’t tolerate his treatment of me or if he touches me again that I will leave... he’s so prideful he would say something like “then leave” or something to that effect. I know he doesn’t really want that, but he would definitely “cut his nose off to spite his face,” if you get what in saying.


We were posting at the same time, see my post above.

This is not acceptable or tolerable behavior.

Do whatever it takes to get his attention and wake him up to the fact that is not ok.


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## Anonymouswife123 (Jan 26, 2020)

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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don’t let his timetable push you into another child next year.


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## Anonymouswife123 (Jan 26, 2020)

x


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I would say to him that you cant have another child while all this is going on. Maybe that will give him the incentive to do somethimg about it.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Anonymouswife123 said:


> No, I absolutely was not doing anything violent or threatening. The only thing I did was refuse to leave the room because I (clearly - in a towel) need to get dressed so I could resume caring for our baby, clothed.
> 
> That’s the hard part... I certainly don’t want to make things worse legally speaking. I don’t know the rules for leaving with our baby... even if it were just a few days.
> 
> Additionally, I don’t have anywhere to go without totally uprooting my life. Maybe this is not important, but the minute I let my family in on what’s going on... things will never be the same. Handling it in silence is hard and is what hasn’t led me to this forum, but it will be even harder once they know if things were to get better and I stay. They’ll never forgive him. Currently they all LOVE him. He’s very good at being the funny, nice guy... publicly.


Yeah I can understand that. Your family would take your side and hate him. Then, I'm not sure there's much to do. BUT, I would not have another kid. If he's stressed now, imagine what that would do. Plus, at least with one, you'd have it a bit easier if you wanted to leave. With two kids or more, you'd have a lot more difficulty.


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## Anonymouswife123 (Jan 26, 2020)

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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

You really need to call the cops on his a$$! Also watch Miss Congeniality and start practising SING (Solar plexus, Instep, Nose, Groin) on him regularly. It will make him think twice about touching you again and also take care of his ability to have babies again all in one! Oh and do it, when he comes to kiss you on the forehead again and say to him, "Oh I thought you were going to attack me again - don't sneak up on me like that!"


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Anon,

When someone wants you out of a room you have to wonder what he is concealing, was he on his phone at that time, possibly chatting with some woman?

There is often anger too in that the love he used to get from you is now shared with the baby and he gets less.


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## Anonymouswife123 (Jan 26, 2020)

X


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## Anonymouswife123 (Jan 26, 2020)

X


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

manfromlamancha said:


> Oh and do it, when he comes to kiss you on the forehead again and say to him, "Oh I thought you were going to attack me again - don't sneak up on me like that!"


poor advice. That would be premeditated assault.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Can you and baby move closer to where your old job was so you have better prospect of finding employment?


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## Anonymouswife123 (Jan 26, 2020)

X


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

You need to see a lawyer and gather information from that consultation. ASAP. Can you do that?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Anonymouswife123 said:


> We could, yes, and that would be the plan if I ever leave. I wish I could start working now, while we’re still married, so that I could be more stable in the event of divorce. Our finances are 110% combined and have been since we got married... there’s no taking money without it being a big red flag.
> 
> What are the legalities of that though? Suppose I decide to leave due to the emotional and physical abuse, can I just move with our baby?


None of us are family law/divorce or domestic abuse lawyers. We can’t give you legal advice. 

These are questions that you would need to discuss with a lawyer and domestic abuse organization. 

In the heat of the moment while being assaulted, you do whatever you have to do to protect yourself and your child.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Mr. Nail said:


> poor advice. That would be premeditated assault.


Absolutely it is! On one who puts his hands on women - what next beat up on children too?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

No, that is not normal honey. There is NO excuse for a husband behaving that way. Millions of men around the world go through the stress of work or sleep deprivation from having a newborn every day, and manage to not shove their wives around - to the point that they leave marks on her.

There is never an excuse for that. Never. Not sure about where you are, but over here the police can remove the abuser from the house. Next time this happens (and it will), call the police. Let's see how brave he is then. Pfffft.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Could it be financial stress with the loss of your income?

The no job dig got me thinking this.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Anonymouswife123 said:


> Another question I have is how to handle this...
> 
> If I were to approach him and say that I won’t tolerate his treatment of me or if he touches me again that I will leave... he’s so prideful he would say something like “then leave” or something to that effect. I know he doesn’t really want that, but he would definitely “cut his nose off to spite his face,” if you get what in saying.


Then you make a plan to leave.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

More to the point... why would you stay with someone that thinks it's okay to treat you that way?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Anonymouswife123 said:


> Another question I have is how to handle this...
> 
> If I were to approach him and say that I won’t tolerate his treatment of me or if he touches me again that I will leave... he’s so prideful he would say something like “then leave” or something to that effect. I know he doesn’t really want that, but he would definitely “cut his nose off to spite his face,” if you get what in saying.


When he was pushing you around and you had red marks from it, had you called the police, he would have been removed from the home and you could have gotten a restraining order against him. And he would still be financially responsible for you and your child.

If he got in trouble for domestic violence, what are the chances that he would lose his job?

Your husband's angry behavior and violence is not acceptable. You know that. I think that the first thing you need to do is to deescalate the situation. If at any time you two are talking and he starts escalating, you just walk away. Just tell him that until he calms down you will not talk to him. And then go to another room with your baby and lock the door. Or leave, go for a walk or a drive ... again with your baby. If he follows you, for example if he follows you to the room you go to and bangs on the door, call 911 and let them hear his angry outburst. The cops will have no doubt about what's up when they get there.

Since he threw you out of your bedroom, it would be wise to keep some clothing in another room just incase this happens again before you have figured out what you are going to do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are links to two safety/exit plan info sites....
_Domestic Violence Personalized Safety Plan_
_Safety Planning - Domestic Violence Resource Center_

Below is a safety exit plan that I put together. You can look through all this and take what makes sense for you and make your own plan....
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Call 911 and they will help you get away.
*The US National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support*
If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.
========================================
It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps.

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

*Get a support system:*

Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.
Also check into legal aid in your area.
Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Check on sites like Amazon for books about divorce in your state. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.
Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble.
If you do not have friends of your own, start making them. Even if you don’t share your situation with them, just having a social outlet for you and even your children will help. One way to meet people is to go to www.meetup.com Search for meetup groups in your area. In most areas they have a lot of things to choose from. You just sign up and go.
*Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. *

If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:
Your mail from the ‘safe address’
All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account
Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.
Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports,
Car title, social security cards, credit cards,
Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.)
Titles, deeds and other property information
Medical records
Children's school and immunization records
Insurance information
Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s.
Welfare identification
Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions
*Financial Plan*

Consider getting a job as soon as you can if you do not already have one. This will give you access to money and independence.
Setup a bank account in our name only and start putting money in it.
*Your safety Plan: *You need a safety plan just in case you need to leave immediately if things get out of hand.

Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter.
Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.
If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit.
Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made.
Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures.
You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse.
Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.
If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape.
Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape.
Hide an extra set of car keys.
Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”.
Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends.
Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc.
Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave.
Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial.
Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.
*After Leaving the Abusive Relationship

If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving the family home:*

Change your locks and phone number.
Change your work hours and route taken to work.
Change the route taken to transport children to school.
Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times.
Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect.
Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender.
Call law enforcement to enforce the order.
*If you leave the family home:*

Do not leave your children with your abusive spouse/partner. Take them with you. Talk to your attorney and/or the abuse organization counselors to make sure you do this in a way that will not jeopardize your future custody rights.
You don’t want to look like you are kidnapping your children.
Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number
Change your work hours, if possible.
Alert school authorities of the situation.
Consider changing your children's schools.
Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them.
Use different stores and frequent different social spots.
Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger.
Talk to trusted people about the violence.
Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system.
Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible.
Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order.
Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.


=========================================
*Now about money*

Then open bank accounts in your name only. Use an address other than your home address. Either get a PO Box or use someone else's address like a friend of yours or family member. Also do electronic statements, etc. so that there is no paperwork for him to find. You can open a bank account with as little as $25.

If at all possible, every time you go to a store, get out cash. Even if it’s $10. I know a woman who did this. She’d get out between $40 and $60 with every purchase. It added up… to thousands over a few years period. Make sure that you throw away the receipts before you get home or keep them where he cannot find them. Do not put them in your home trash.

Go through your house and sell anything that you can. Just tell him that you are wanting to simplify your life and declutter. List things on craigslist and sell it. Put the money in your bank account.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Anonymouswife123 said:


> No, I absolutely was not doing anything violent or threatening. The only thing I did was refuse to leave the room because I (clearly - in a towel) need to get dressed so I could resume caring for our baby, clothed.


I gave suggestions about this. Never, ever continue in an angry argument. Just walk away as soon as you can tell it's going to escalate. And keep an outfit or two in another room just incase he pulls something like this again.



Anonymouswife123 said:


> That’s the hard part... I certainly don’t want to make things worse legally speaking. I don’t know the rules for leaving with our baby... even if it were just a few days.


Legally you cannot leave with the baby even for a few days. You need to get into counseling at an organization that provides services to victims of domestic violence. They should be able to give you some guidelines on what to do when things escalate. Many of these organizations have lawyers that will do some pro bono work to help you navigate the legal issues.



Anonymouswife123 said:


> Additionally, I don’t have anywhere to go without totally uprooting my life. Maybe this is not important, but the minute I let my family in on what’s going on... things will never be the same. Handling it in silence is hard and is what hasn’t led me to this forum, but it will be even harder once they know if things were to get better and I stay. They’ll never forgive him. Currently they all LOVE him. He’s very good at being the funny, nice guy... publicly.


You can not protect his public image forever. Again get into counseling so that you have a local support system. They should be able to help you navigate this. Then if things get to the point that you feel you have no choice but to leave, you can tell your family.


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