# More than a couple of issues...need help!



## Confused in RI (Mar 3, 2012)

Hey everyone, I am a 36yo married for 6 years this May, together almost 10 years. We have 3 children, a 5 year old daughter, and 2 year old twins. 


Some issues started AFTER kids(understandably) but some have been since we've known each other. 

1. Oral sex is non-existent. During my single years, I loved nothing more than performing oral on my girlfriends. Of course, I have always enjoyed receiving oral in return. I have never(in 11 partners) not had a blow job from a significant other. My wife, has NEVER gone down on me........EVER. Not when we were dating, not married, not on our honeymoon, birthdays, anniversaries, never. She blames a gag reflex(heard that one before). One time I practically BEGGED her just to lick it once, and she couldn't bring herself to. Because of this, I in turn, do not go down on her. One reason being is she doesn't shave.....AT ALL, and that is a huge turn-off for me. I had brought it up YEARS ago, and she even bought an electric trimmer, but she doesn't use it. She is a bigger girl, so all that hair and extra weight can sometimes make it an unpleasant area to begin with. I have a MEGA sex drive with every woman I see basically except her. I mean, I do feel sexually for her, but there are so many "no-no zones", it's like taking a test. 

2. We don't have sex anymore. It has been since Christmas 2011 since we've had sex, and that was once. Before Christmas??? Maybe October? I know it may have to do with the kids, and that she has put on a lot of weight after our twins birth, but size doesn't bother me. We talk about it, and when we do have sex, it's very textbook. 10 minutes foreplay, 3 minutes sex....lol. I mean, when you don't have it for 3 months, things come quick if you catch my drift. After sex, we clean up, and sometimes she gets up and starts doing laundry.....gee, thanks dear. I'm not a big cuddle guy(at least not with her), but I would like at least she hang out in bed, even if she turns on the TV. 

3. I met a girl while on a guys weekend in NY last October. I swear on my children that we didn't do anything. We met at a bar and wound up spending 3+ hours just talking. While I admit that I lied about my marital status, she was out and open about hers, and told me flat out nothing was going to happen. Well, we re-connected through Facebook, and she recently admitted that she has strong feelings for me. I live in RI, and she lives in Virginia. We "fit" so much more than my current wife, and I have been tearing myself up with guilt for just talking with this girl. I don't think she has plans to leave her husband and kids, and frankly, I don't think I could leave mine, but we both agree that we both want SOMETHING to happen between the 2 of us. I really don't know what to do. The simple answer would be to delete her as a friend, and never look back, but the circumstances surrounding our meeting, and me coming clean about my marriage after keeps telling me we met for a reason. 

4. I don't get treated as the "man of the house". I get corrected all the time. I was sitting folding clothes on our bed last SATURDAY night, and in true form, she criticized me because I was putting the wrong shirts in the wrong piles. So I countered with, "how many husbands are sitting folding clothes on a Saturday night?" and she got all pissy with me. When I come home from work, she's already stressed with the kids and barely has enough energy to wish me welcome home. This instantly puts me in a bad mood. I always try to walk in positive, and interactive with the kids/her, and I get a puss face in return. She goes to bed HOURS before I do, not sure if she is avoiding me asking her for sex(which I've been turned down for about 4 times straight now). 

I really don't know what to do. I know I'd be lost without her, but I never miss her on out of town trips(not that there are many anymore). I don't miss her when I go out with friends, I can't WAIT till she goes out with her friends, and relish the thought of being home alone. 

5. Porn has become a big part of my nights, surfing videos for an hour or so to only have to "take care of myself" in the bathroom. 


We have been to counseling in the past when I had a slight infidelity issue (online cam stuff). I have never cheated on my wife after we got married. I did cheat on her twice during dating(of which she never knew), but now I am at that threshold again as there are more than a couple of old flames that are willing to take a go with me in bed again. 

It would kill me to not be with my kids, but I find myself very easily agitated, and quick tempered. Countless times I flip her off behind her back. Her mother is the same way with her step-father, always correcting, never does anything "her way", etc. 

GAH!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have told us all about your wife's flaws.

Now could you tell us about yours? 

What would your wife tell us?


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## frazaled (Jan 20, 2012)

Ok confused while my situation was not completley the same as yours there are some things that are very simular...
we have been married for almost 20 year and i am also a bigger then average lady my hubby says it makes no differance to him but it dose bad things to your own self esteme.
my hubby had an affair with a friend of mne and has totally gutted me, he says he tried to talk to me and nothing changed or if it did it was only fora week or so then back to the same old stuff.
possably this is very true because we have 6 kids and my life was not all about his sexual needs and yes that was wrong but just as wrong as the fact that he took mre for granted.
now let me tell you had he ever said to me if you dont listen and act on what i need to tell you i will cheat on you we would not be were we are now wich it trying to save our marriage we will make it but we could have done the working on it without haveing to rip my heart out and jump on it till i was a total wreck.
so please be very honest with her she wont like it dont get me wrong and may even think your just saying it to hurt her but explain it well and be prepared to hear that you arn't half as great as you think you are and that you may need to do things to help her get in the mood or even have the energy to get there.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Confused in RI said:


> Hey everyone, I am a 36yo married for 6 years this May, together almost 10 years. We have 3 children, a 5 year old daughter, and 2 year old twins.
> 
> 
> Some issues started AFTER kids(understandably) but some have been since we've known each other.
> ...


Well, at least she's been consistent from the very beginning. We don't get to hear the infamous hue and cry of 'bait and switch!' 

So, if it's always been this way, and you knew prior to marriage, then it will have to be laid at your feet. She's maintaining consistency in this area and you had prior knowledge of it.

Although, if there's a better connection built up with trust and respect between you two in the relationship, she may over time be willing to learn how to do this. But you have to get to that point in your relationship first. 



Confused in RI said:


> 2. We don't have sex anymore. It has been since Christmas 2011 since we've had sex, and that was once. Before Christmas??? Maybe October? I know it may have to do with the kids, and that she has put on a lot of weight after our twins birth, but size doesn't bother me. We talk about it, and when we do have sex, it's very textbook. 10 minutes foreplay, 3 minutes sex....lol. I mean, when you don't have it for 3 months, things come quick if you catch my drift. After sex, we clean up, and sometimes she gets up and starts doing laundry.....gee, thanks dear. I'm not a big cuddle guy(at least not with her), but I would like at least she hang out in bed, even if she turns on the TV.


What do you think primes her pump like sex does for you? What do you think she wants out of your marriage and from you?



Confused in RI said:


> 3. I met a girl while on a guys weekend in NY last October. I swear on my children that we didn't do anything. We met at a bar and wound up spending 3+ hours just talking. While I admit that I lied about my marital status, she was out and open about hers, and told me flat out nothing was going to happen. Well, we re-connected through Facebook, and she recently admitted that she has strong feelings for me. I live in RI, and she lives in Virginia. We "fit" so much more than my current wife, and I have been tearing myself up with guilt for just talking with this girl. I don't think she has plans to leave her husband and kids, and frankly, I don't think I could leave mine, but we both agree that we both want SOMETHING to happen between the 2 of us. I really don't know what to do. The simple answer would be to delete her as a friend, and never look back, but the circumstances surrounding our meeting, and me coming clean about my marriage after keeps telling me we met for a reason.


Uh-oh. Sounds like the beginnings of an EA. Best to do the honourable thing and cut this off immediately and work on your marriage. If you think things are bad now, add the complications of an affair in to it, and you will really see bad. 



Confused in RI said:


> 4. I don't get treated as the "man of the house". I get corrected all the time. I was sitting folding clothes on our bed last SATURDAY night, and in true form, she criticized me because I was putting the wrong shirts in the wrong piles. So I countered with, "how many husbands are sitting folding clothes on a Saturday night?" and she got all pissy with me. When I come home from work, she's already stressed with the kids and barely has enough energy to wish me welcome home. This instantly puts me in a bad mood. I always try to walk in positive, and interactive with the kids/her, and I get a puss face in return. She goes to bed HOURS before I do, not sure if she is avoiding me asking her for sex(which I've been turned down for about 4 times straight now).


If you want to be treated like 'man of the house', you have to act like 'man of the house'.

Step one - man of house acts honourably, so cut off the stuff with this other gal immediately and turn your focus to your marriage.

Step two - man of house lets people know when he is being treated disrespectfully - and he does it in a strictly respectful way. Go to the Men's Clubhouse and start reading the Man Up/Nice Guy sticky at the top paying special attention to the thread entitled "Fitness Tests". 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

Step three - man of house has motivation and takes care of business. He maintains a positive demeanor and is a motivating, positive influence who leads his family.



Confused in RI said:


> I really don't know what to do. I know I'd be lost without her, but I never miss her on out of town trips(not that there are many anymore). I don't miss her when I go out with friends, I can't WAIT till she goes out with her friends, and relish the thought of being home alone.
> 
> 5. Porn has become a big part of my nights, surfing videos for an hour or so to only have to "take care of myself" in the bathroom.
> 
> ...


Go look through those links about manning up/nice guy. Try and maintain a calm and competent air at all times. The more you are in control of yourself, your own life, and don't let her get under your skin, the better you will be. You can learn how to handle the fitness tests, but you will have to really stretch yourself to do so - especially if you are right now at the point where you do childish moves like flipping her off behind her back.

They say that people treat us as we allow them to - you will have to step up to the plate and change yourself and your interactions with her and the way you allow yourself to be treated.

Best wishes.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

I agree with Frazaled.

You seem to know it, but don't lie to yourself. One way or the other you are about to cheat. You will then probably break up our family and miss out on your children growing up.

OR you can be completely even brutally honest with your wife now and explain everything that is bothering you. If you don't think you could begin to get your point across without an immediately fight, go back to counselling. 

The latter options still might result in a meltdown but at least you have a chance to actual improve things and make each other happy again. If it turns out she can't or won't change then your marriage will end either way.


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## Confused in RI (Mar 3, 2012)

Well, cheating really is not an option(especially with the girl from NY, she lives 11+ hours away)

I had always promised myself that once I was married, I would not cheat, and I haven't. 


What's wrong with me? 

I guess I can be sarcastic sometimes. She knew this when we started dating though. She's very.......liberal, and I hate everyone...lol. 

I am overweight, but have always been, and I carry myself pretty well despite it. I've never had a problem getting girls. 

I can procrastinate with projects around the house, which I openly admit is a problem. I don't think I am that different than many husbands with a "to-do" list. 

My last job made me mad a lot, and even though I tried not to bring it home, I am sure it was still in my mind which again made me short with the kids/wife/life in general. I worked retail sales and it really made me hate people. Not to mention, coming home to an already stressed out wife, and getting snapped at for asking where the hot dogs were for the grill didn't help either. 

So now you basically know what's "wrong" with me. I don't excessively drink, and smoke only the occasional cigar. I can be accused of being lazy in the "initiating" department, but getting turned down can do that to a guy. 

It's the old " if she's not offering, I am not offering" mentality.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

The two of you sound miserable together - your own worst enemies. Folding the laundry wrong? Puh-lease...this isn't a marriage anymore, it sounds more like a prison sentence.

Forget about Miss Virginia, and try doing something to get the bond back into your relationship; otherwise, you're both doomed.


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## kc8 (Mar 12, 2012)

All I keep hearing you say is u can get this girl or prior sexual experiences. She's not having sex with you because of her weight gain, she can tell the difference in the way you looked at her and made love to her before the weight. If u really want to save ur marriage, instead of waiting for the wrong person to tell u it's okay to cheat with the other woman. Make ur wife a DR's appt for weight loss management ask for Phentermine (appetite suppressant) Hydroclothzide (fluid pill) weekly B-12 injections (energy) the weight will fall off, she'll be happy & so will you u can screw again like rabbits and then u can tell us about how u can get ur wife in bed and ur current sexual relations. Sorry if it's harsh just the cold hard truth. Btw if u have a problem with her V space after kids tell her to do Kegals (they work) u can buy an electronic kegal simulator online for about 70$, cheaper than wrecking ur family because you cheated.
- registered nurse
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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