# New here and need to unload on an awkward situation



## lonestarmama (Feb 19, 2009)

I'm new to this forum and am hoping to gain some helpful perspectives and insight. Would also LOVE to hear from anyone who's been in a similar situation.

Of course, I must first give the history. My apologies for the super long novel ahead!

Hubby and I met online in October 2003. He was in a couple of bands (a metal band and a punk band) and like many women, I was turned on by that. We talked via email and such for a couple of months before agreeing to meet in person in December of the same year. We hit it off very well from the get-go and things were good, or so I thought.

Nearly a month after we officially started dating, he tells me that he's still living with his "ex" girlfriend-that they were over, but were still living together due to finances. He said he was afraid to just up and leave her because she was mentally unstable. I was still a bit young (23 at the time) and naive, so I took his word for it. I never spoke to the "ex" until she confronted me through his yahoo ID one day in February 2004. She'd found some email correspondence between me and him and assured me that they were NOT broken up. She was livid to say the least, as was I. He and I talked/fought it out over the next few days and he severed ties with her and moved into his own place a couple of weeks later. We continued to date, although my gut had trust issues due to his lies and truth omissions. 

I am bisexual and he and I got involved with a married couple (wife was bi) for a short period of time (April 2004). Both he and the other couple had experience with open/swinging relationships, but this was a first for me. Unfortunately, boundaries were never set and feelings were hurt, so that relationship was ended. We remained friends though and the wife ended up joining his metal band as the lead singer. In May, he proposed to me. It was done before all of our friends, and again, that nagging feeling in my gut was uneasy about it, but I said yes anyway.

I really did love him, despite the trust issues. We had a great sex life and for a while it seemed like he was done with his old ways. I found out I was pregnant with our first daughter the end of July 2004. We'd already set our wedding date for Labor Day weekend by the time I found out I was pregnant. But, my intuition kept telling me that something was up, but I stupidly kept ignoring it. I confronted him several times by asking if something had happened between him and the wife of the aforementioned couple. Each time he told me no and that I had nothing to worry about.

So, we get married, and a few weeks after the wedding, that nagging feeling really became intense. I started noticing that he was hiding conversations from me and it started to sink in that he was constantly texting on his phone. If I got near his computer while he was talking to someone via IM, he'd quickly minimize the window. So, again I ask him if there was something I needed to know, and again, he assured me that nothing was going on.

In October 2004, I'd had enough of his weird behavior and finally started to listen to my intuition. I confronted the wife (who was also my Matron of Honor at our wedding) and asked her if anything was going on between them. She admitted that they had "fooled around" after band practice one night days before he proposed to me. I don't know if anything else had happened, but regardless I was furious and terribly hurt by this. I immediately ended our friendship, but wasn't sure what to do about hubby.

I kinda freaked out and I'm terrible with confrontation, especially when angry and hurt. I walked out on hubby for about 6 hours, but then returned home. He did offer counseling at that time, but I didn't want to do it. I think going to counseling meant admitting we had real problems and I wasn't ready to admit that I guess. I don't really know.

Our daughter was born in the spring of 2005. Things seemed to greatly improve after she was born, although I still had deep rooted trust issues with him. Our sex life wasn't so great because I was working full-time and of course caring for a baby, so I was constantly exhausted. Our work schedules were very different, so we saw little of each other for a while. But, we both continued to ignore the problems. And just like before, as time went on, I started noticing the same habits of hiding conversations, living on his phone, etc. We'd argue about it occasionally, but never really get anywhere.

The summer of 2006, I found out I was pregnant again. I was absolutely not ready for a baby at this time and really freaked out at the news. I contemplated abortion *(please do not lecture me about your personal views on this subject)* from the beginning. Hubby was a bit more excited than I was I think, but still nervous. Our marital problems really hit an all-time high during all of this (gotta love those pregnancy hormones!). I caught him lying about going on a business-only trip. As it turned out, he'd planned on visiting an ex girlfriend from college. Now, if he'd just been honest from the beginning, I probably wouldn't have been so upset about it. I would've been nervous for sure, but I wouldn't have gone postal. I caught him by snooping through his email one day.

When he found out that I'd gone through his email, it was all he could think about. There was very little in the way of an apology-all he cared about was that his privacy had been violated. This infuriated me even more-especially because he had lied about it when I'd confronted him before. I demanded a trial separation. He convinced me to give counseling a try, so we got a recommendation for a couple's therapist.

We were separated for about 6 weeks, and during this time, I opted to abort the pregnancy. He was at least very supportive of me and my decision. The counseling helped some of our communication problems, but the underlying trust issues were never fully resolved. He moved back in and we tried to start over. Things seemed to be better for a while, but before long, the old ways started back up.

Eventually, I got to a point where I just didn't care anymore. In May 2007, I found out I was pregnant again. Oddly enough, I was much more comfortable with the idea of having another baby at this time. Unfortunately, pregnancy does a nasty number to my sex drive, and I was also put on bed rest during my 7th month, so of course that meant no sex. We purchased our first home about halfway through my pregnancy and our second daughter was born in January 2008.

Throughout my pregnancy, I would find "evidence" of him relieving himself in his office. Then I noticed strange out-of-state phone numbers calling him at all hours of the day and night. I answered one time when he was in the shower and it was a woman. She quickly hung up when she realized that he wasn't available to chat. I started checking out our phone bills and realized that this had been going on for months-conversations often taking place while I was asleep or otherwise not around.

One day, I was borrowing his computer (my laptop was temporarily out of commission at the time) and went on Myspace. I truly didn't realize that he was still logged in. It wasn't until I went to look at the inbox that I realized I wasn't logged in on my own account. But, curiosity got the best of me and I started reading messages. I found many many messages from different women and all of a sexual nature. Some very explicit, others not so much. But, all considered cheating in my book. There were several messages that indicated that some physical interaction had taken place at some point.

I didn't confront him right away, but it did eventually come up summer 2008. He admitted that he'd been cybering with other women since I got pregnant with our second daughter the previous year. He blamed my lack of sex drive of course, which I can understand to an extent. But, just because I'm not interested in sex for some time doesn't mean he should just go and have cyber/phone sex with whomever, right?

I suspect he's been doing these things all along and has no true intention of stopping. By the time this all came out last summer, I began to realize that I was not in love with this man and I was really resenting him. In most other aspects, he's a great guy, but definitely not boyfriend/husband material!

Since then, we've just been "dealing". My father passed away unexpectedly in early November 2008. He was a great support during all of this, but I started to realize that my feelings for him were not how a wife should feel about her husband. I am completely physically unattracted to him and almost cringe at the thought of him touching me. 

Shortly after New Years this year, I finally sat down with him and told him how I felt that we are not meant for each other. We want different things in relationships and I have been incredibly unhappy for a very long time. My daughters deserve a happy mama, not one who's constantly mad and disappointed in their father. I told him that I eventually want a divorce.

Unfortunately, we are stuck financially. We have this house that isn't exactly in sellable condition. Hubby was laid off in November and has been struggling to find full-time work since. I quit my job last year to stay at home with my girls. I have been actively seeking employment for nearly a month, but nothing has come up yet.

To say things are awkward around here would be an understatement. He was in deep denial for the couple of weeks after I told him how I felt, but it seems like he's accepting it all and maybe realizing that it's for the best. But, I also suspect that deep down he thinks or wants me to change my mind. I KNOW that I will not. In my mind, it is over and has been for a long time. It just took me a long time to realize it. Having children and a house complicates things quite a lot. But, I'm ready for the challenge.

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else here has been in a similar situation. If you have, how did you handle it? Thanks.


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

WoW! That is alot to deal with and i am not sure what to say. I am against divorce but in this case it seems like you have already made up your mind and i am not all that against your reasons either. Seems like he is constantly unfaithful, and that is hard to deal with, if not down right impossible. I dont think no amount of counselling can make this work, if he cant keep it in his pants. no wonder you feel the way you do.

Sorry, dont have any answers or suggestions for you.
Good luck.


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## lonestarmama (Feb 19, 2009)

Thank you MrsVain. I'm glad someone understands! I know I'm not perfect, but I feel that I deserve better. He has an established history of cheating and doing questionable things obviously before me (and not just with the ex right before me). It will require some help on his part to get past whatever makes him feel he has to do such things.

I'm just at a point where I no longer want to deal with it anymore. We've been through counseling before and while it may help communication again, I know it won't change the way I feel about him. I haven't loved him for quite some time and I'm completely turned off by him physically. He can be a fun person to be around and he's a decent dad. But, we just aren't right for each other.

I think he would benefit from an open marriage type situation with someone else.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

lonestarmama-

It is probably your resentment of his character that has made you fell sexually unattracted to him. If he made changes, or you changed your view of him, your response would probably change also.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I think I can relate to your situation. It would take me many pages to go into the novel I have been living for the past three years. I guess the "book" gets thicker, the longer the marriage; in my case the marriage was 22 years.

My husband and I own a struggling business together. Due to some of his actions and the actions of others (a franchisor and a computer software vendor), we are near bankruptcy. Needless to say, we are paying a contract lawyer to help resolve the business problems. And because of that, we can't pay divorce lawyers too. 

Due to all of the constant turmoil in my life over the past 3 years, I have been on the brink of a nervous breakdown several times. I have learned much from all of this and have become a stronger person. It is a hard thing to recover from infidelity. That impacts one's life tremendously. I have been in counseling for 8 months now. I really recommend it for your healing process. In addition, the book "Five Love Languages" (by Gary Chapman) could be useful. I know my marriage is over and I'm just trying to work on me. I think this is probably where you stand also. Along the way I learned that anger and bitterness only hurt ME--not him. May you find peace and strength to deal with the cards you were dealt.


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## lonestarmama (Feb 19, 2009)

827Aug, thank you so much for your kind words. I really appreciate it, although I'm sorry you're in a similar position.

MarkTwain, I think something I've been realizing lately is that I don't think I was ever truly in love with him. I think I got caught up in the excitement of the relationship as we did a lot of things that I'd never done before. But, deep down I think I always knew it wouldn't work out in the end. I guess I'm just kicking myself now because I didn't end it when I had the chance. So, here we are with a house and kids.

So, I think some of the resentment is both in myself and towards him. I resent him for not being the man I want him to be, and I resent myself for "letting" this all happen. Does that make any sense at all? Sometimes I feel like I just ramble on like a crazy person.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

lonestarmama said:


> MarkTwain, I think something I've been realizing lately is that I don't think I was ever truly in love with him. I think I got caught up in the excitement of the relationship as we did a lot of things that I'd never done before. But, deep down I think I always knew it wouldn't work out in the end. I guess I'm just kicking myself now because I didn't end it when I had the chance. So, here we are with a house and kids.


This is the very reason I suggested reading "The Five Love Languages". When many of us land here, we see where we went wrong. We obviously can't change the past, but we can make the future brighter. Hopefully we will get a second chance at love. That's why I go to counseling, read many self-help books, and attend church. I'm working on me!

Hang in there!


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## lonestarmama (Feb 19, 2009)

827Aug said:


> This is the very reason I suggested reading "The Five Love Languages". When many of us land here, we see where we went wrong. We obviously can't change the past, but we can make the future brighter. Hopefully we will get a second chance at love. That's why I go to counseling, read many self-help books, and attend church. I'm working on me!
> 
> Hang in there!


I will definitely check out the book. I do plan on doing counseling for myself soon.


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## lonestarmama (Feb 19, 2009)

Just thought I'd give a brief update. We are officially separated now, although still living under the same roof due to the economy and jobs and such. This has been incredibly difficult and the past few days have just been draining.


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

Oh my. how have you been doing?


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