# disgusted & lonely



## playtimeanytime (May 29, 2017)

hi all I'm new to TAM but have been reading for a while now anyway I'm dealing with a husband who I have caught watching pus/ass on his phone , his excuse is he was bored at work, we barely ever have sex (I'm down to play anytime he knows that) he sleeps in the same bed but different cover he doesn't cuddle me compliment me or make me feel good in the least, he's always staring off into space playing with his penis or watching tv that features very attractive women while squeezing himself and by squeeze im talking the head of his penis. I feel really low and not confident. I consider myself an attractive woman but what's the point if it goes unnoticed. We go out in public and he stares down gorgeous women so much that I have started to go out without him it's so disrespectful. I have one foot out the door if I had a job (SAHM) or my own money , I'd be gone. I'm a 30 year old black woman and he is 36 white. We've been together ten years. thanks for reading.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long has this been going on? Was there a time when your sex life was good?

Here is a link to a thread here on TAM that provides some information and resources that you might find helpful. If you don’t want to read the entire very long thread, at least read the first few pages to get the info provided.

*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html*


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

playtimeanytime said:


> thanks for reading.


Men can be idiots in the event you have been hinting around at things. You have to be very direct with him and spell it out in rather explicit terms how you feel.

Just try to wait to do this until after a nice meal together so hopefully he will be calm enough to actually listen.


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## james5588 (Mar 22, 2017)

playtimeanytime said:


> hi all I'm new to TAM but have been reading for a while now anyway I'm dealing with a husband who I have caught watching pus/ass on his phone , his excuse is he was bored at work, we barely ever have sex (I'm down to play anytime he knows that) he sleeps in the same bed but different cover he doesn't cuddle me compliment me or make me feel good in the least, he's always staring off into space playing with his penis or watching tv that features very attractive women while squeezing himself and by squeeze im talking the head of his penis. I feel really low and not confident. I consider myself an attractive woman but what's the point if it goes unnoticed. We go out in public and he stares down gorgeous women so much that I have started to go out without him it's so disrespectful. I have one foot out the door if I had a job (SAHM) or my own money , I'd be gone. I'm a 30 year old black woman and he is 36 white. We've been together ten years. thanks for reading.


Sorry you're feeling this way.

Have you discussed this with him? Communication is key to a healthy relationship.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Is he aware that he is a crap lover?

What I mean by that, he is completely oblivious to your sexuality and sexual needs. He also needs to grow up now he is on the wrong side of 30, love the attractive lady he is with, and keep his family together. He sounds like an overgrown teenager.

If you get into the porn debate he will just convince himself and perhaps yourself that you are insecure. 

The male ego is fragile thing - tell him he is a complete failure in bed. Buy him a book on 'how to do it with girls' and in the meantime buy yourself a few new sex toys and make it obvious you will have fun with or without him. Its the only language they understand. (I'm in a grump today). 

Sorry you are going through this.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

badsanta said:


> Men can be idiots in the event you have been hinting around at things. You have to be very direct with him and spell it out in rather explicit terms how you feel.
> 
> Just try to wait to do this until after a nice meal together so hopefully he will be calm enough to actually listen.


Seriously?

The guy lays around PLAYING WITH HIMSELF watching women on TV, like some horny 15 year old kid. He stares at women out in public like some maladjusted pervert who has no self control *whatsoever*.

He's a grown ass MAN and she's not his mother. This type of disgusting behavior goes WAY beyond the OP taking him to dinner and pointing out that laying around playing with yourself every time you see a pretty face is NOT normal behavior. The fact that Chester the Molester doesn't even to go near his wife on top of acting like a horny teenage kid is just another bite of the **** sandwich the OP has been served up. No wonder the OP says she's disgusted - because he's disgusting.

Get a job, OP. Get out now and leave this pig. I sure hope you don't have any children with him. I shudder to think what he's capable of.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How often do you leave the kids with him and go out by yourself? That's a great first step toward regaining your self-worth. You should be going out at least once a week with your friends, or taking classes, or finding a part-time job on Saturdays or Sundays. If you do the job thing, put the money into a separate account that he can't touch. Money will give you a bit of power, which seems to have eroded in your marriage. 

My take is that he married you VERY young (for a man), when his biggest priority was probably sex. And then you had kids and your focus shifted, as it should and as it had to, so his 'purpose' for you went away. This isn't a dis on him. I'm sure it never occurred to him that he was doing this. 

The problem is that you didn't know any better either - who does in their 20s? But you can shift this dynamic, if you're wanting to stay. It will start with learning how people work and why.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

First off race is not relevant. Your husband has what has been reported in articles from time to time about sex and millennials; he is living his sex life online. He is masturbating to porn so that he is never in the mood for you. He has come to associate sexual arousal with the hot women he sees online and by comparison, most of us cannot compete with the porn actors and actresses. 

The only thing that will solve your problem is for him to cease or limit his masturbation to the point where it does not interfere with your marital sex. Men are genetically designed to be visually aroused and attracted to other women. We are built to impregnate many women a day evolution favors anything that results in one's genes being spread far and wide. Women on the other hand, are reproductively limited so they see sex more as an emotional bonding experience to keep a man around long enough to provide and protect her and their child. Not really needed these days but it takes a very long time to genetically change. 

You need to talk to him in a non judgemental way and find a solution. Marital sex does get boring and routine. There is no getting around that unless you find ways to spice it up every so often, which is what me and my wife of 44 years did. Find something knew to try. Sex with a spouse is always comfy and nice but it is nothing like sex when you both do not know what buttons to push and in what order. Marital sex,while nice is not exciting due to familiarity. So it becomes routine and porn provides a change of that routine.

Your problem is common so read this Cosmo article about it and perhaps it will help. Masturbating Too Much - How Much Masturbation is Normal


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Seriously?
> 
> The guy lays around PLAYING WITH HIMSELF watching women on TV, like some horny 15 year old kid. He stares at women out in public like some maladjusted pervert who has no self control *whatsoever*.
> 
> ...



*Of course I am serious! You seem to overlook that the OP married this man and that they have been together for ten years. Obviously there are many nice qualities about him that she chose not to share because she is upset.* Odds are the moments she is referring to are brief and infrequent indiscretions, but they do seem rather disturbing. If you are correct and the husband is indeed a "maladjusted pervert who has no self control whatsoever" all this time and she has stayed with him for TEN YEARS... well then I don't know what to say, other than I think the OP has issues too for being willing to put up with something of that nature for so long.

Badsanta


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

badsanta said:


> *Of course I am serious! You seem to overlook that the OP married this man and that they have been together for ten years. Obviously there are many nice qualities about him that she chose not to share because she is upset.* Odds are the moments she is referring to are brief and infrequent indiscretions, but they do seem rather disturbing. If you are correct and the husband is indeed a "maladjusted pervert who has no self control whatsoever" all this time and she has stayed with him for TEN YEARS... well then I don't know what to say, other than I think the OP has issues too for being willing to put up with something of that nature for so long.
> 
> Badsanta


Maybe there are nice qualities, maybe there aren't. It can be easy to stay with someone for a long time, even though the marriage is bad.

Maybe he has other good qualities, and this is the only problem in their marriage. If that's the case, then I hope she can have an honest conversation with him, he can get help and work on fixing things, and they can get back a healthy sex life and move on with their marriage in a positive direction.

BUT...

I've seen enough evidence here on TAM and IRL to suggest that in most cases, trouble in the bedroom is a symptom of other bigger, underlying problems in a marriage. This makes me wonder what else is going on in this marriage, what else isn't working, that has led to the marriage being sexless. The OP has mentioned that her husband no longer cuddles her (is withholding all physical affection, not just sex) and never compliments her anymore (withholding words of affirmation). So, in terms of love languages, he is completely mute on 2 of the 5. How many others is he mute on? Is he filling her love bank at all?

I would like to hear from the OP on this topic. @playtimeanytime how is the rest of your relationship, outside of this sexual deficit? Does he meet your other needs (love languages)?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

it does not make a whole lot of sense why he would be acting so horny, but NOT wanting to have sex with you? Are there other things you are not mentioning, like you two fighting a lot, unresolved issues, and so on?

Any chance he has mild ED? Like where he wants to have sex, but when you are around his fear of not being able to perform takes over and he avoids you?

I guess i would suggest lingerie, dressing very sexy/****ty, being more demanding that he pleasure you, and you in turn reward him with sexual fun too. Make it a give and take thing.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

badsanta said:


> *Of course I am serious! You seem to overlook that the OP married this man and that they have been together for ten years. Obviously there are many nice qualities about him that she chose not to share because she is upset.* Odds are the moments she is referring to are brief and infrequent indiscretions, but they do seem rather disturbing. If you are correct and the husband is indeed a "maladjusted pervert who has no self control whatsoever" all this time and she has stayed with him for TEN YEARS... well then I don't know what to say, other than I think the OP has issues too for being willing to put up with something of that nature for so long.
> 
> Badsanta


I'm a SAHM and because of that I do put up with an awful lot of draining and disrespectful behaviour. Although I do have an income of my own it is not enough to support my self and 2 children. Childcare in the UK is a small fortune and the minimum wage is low. Cost of housing is ridiculously expensive. I know women who work full-time and raise a family and stay in their unhappy marriages because they cannot afford to leave. If you have a good family who can support you it is considerably easier but many people do not have that. 

He may have some good qualities (as my husband does) but lack of intimacy is a killer in relationships and couple that with him being blatant about his attraction to other women must be soul destroying.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

*disgusted &amp; lonely*

Wow, just wow. 

Some days it just hurts my head to read this website. 

I feel sorry for you, OP. I don't know if I can offer much help. 

Please be sure to post again.

I do think your husband is addicted to pornography, and self satisfying, unfortunately. I also fear that especially since he doesn't care that you know about it means he is very selfish. That makes it hard for you to fix.


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## james5588 (Mar 22, 2017)

Or, is it possible that maybe DH is struggling with diminishing desire (due to stress or low testosterone) and is attempting to compensate by finding other ways to increase his libido or hide the problem altogether. 

Spouses who experience decreases in their abilities, rather than risk embarrassment, can sometimes act out in seemingly odd and unexpected ways.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

badsanta said:


> *Of course I am serious! You seem to overlook that the OP married this man and that they have been together for ten years. Obviously there are many nice qualities about him that she chose not to share because she is upset.* Odds are the moments she is referring to are brief and infrequent indiscretions, but they do seem rather disturbing. If you are correct and the husband is indeed a "maladjusted pervert who has no self control whatsoever" all this time and she has stayed with him for TEN YEARS... well then I don't know what to say, other than I think the OP has issues too for being willing to put up with something of that nature for so long.
> 
> Badsanta


 People are good at hiding bad habits from a partner for YEARS! Maybe he has always been a disrespectful ass or maybe he is just comfortable enough to let it out......


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

playtimeanytime said:


> hi all I'm new to TAM but have been reading for a while now anyway I'm dealing with a husband who I have caught watching pus/ass on his phone , his excuse is he was bored at work, we barely ever have sex (I'm down to play anytime he knows that) he sleeps in the same bed but different cover he doesn't cuddle me compliment me or make me feel good in the least, he's always staring off into space playing with his penis or watching tv that features very attractive women while squeezing himself and by squeeze im talking the head of his penis. I feel really low and not confident. I consider myself an attractive woman but what's the point if it goes unnoticed. We go out in public and he stares down gorgeous women so much that I have started to go out without him it's so disrespectful. I have one foot out the door if I had a job (SAHM) or my own money , I'd be gone. I'm a 30 year old black woman and he is 36 white. We've been together ten years. thanks for reading.


I'd plan immediately for a separation. Your husband is abusing you and is not marriage material.


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