# Shattered by lies and cheating



## PinkLady1 (Jan 23, 2013)

Where to begin? My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years and just recently had our first baby. We got married young (both 21) and had decided on waiting on kids because of that. Fast-forward about 6 years and this is when our problems began. We were both under a lot of stress bc of our jobs and new home. 

Eventually, he became distant and started working "longer hours", going out with friends, and eventually are sex life was almost non-existant. I have to add, we had started talking to a marriage/family counselor and the counselor told me that I was too needy and (in his words) needed to play "hard-to-get" because (according to the counselor) my husband needed the thrill of the chase. Let me tell you, my husband never came to chase, so I couldn't play the game the counselor had suggested. Needless to say, I stopped seeing the counselor and my husband took it as a sign of giving up when in reality I didn't agree with ANYTHING the counselor suggested. 

Anywho, turns out my husband was cheating on me with his secretary--yes, I know, so cliche! He said it was nothing, that they had lunch a couple of times bc he needed to talk to someone. I was hurt and didn't know what to believe, so I took some time apart and went to my mom's house to think about staying or going. I should have seen the red flags, but I gave him the benefit of a doubt and we stayed together.

Here's where it gets ugly: since our seperation, it took a bit for us to be intimate and the first time we had sex after the separation, I got pregnant. This hijacked me into a blissful state and probably hwy I didn't see the trainwreck coming. 

Turns out, the WHOLE time I was pregnant and all the way up until recently, my husband has been cheating on me. I found out that during our seperation he had opened a 2nd bank account, so (naturally) I broke into his account one night while he slept and saw that not only was he taking someone out, he was going to strip clubs too! Many different strip clubs and many times. He even went to a strip club when our baby was 2 weeks old. As far as his secretary, well they don't work in the same office anymore bc he got promoted (and subsequently she did too and got his old position- greeaaaaat!) so they still work together but not so directly. I have seen texts from her (the number wasnt saved but thanks to whitepages and paying $1.99 I found out it was her cell #) and later those texts being deleted. He says nothing ever happened but why hide texts and not answer her calls (bc she called once, he screened it, later I checked who called and wrote down the number bc it wasnt saved but it was her). 

Sigh! So, I am still at home because of our baby and the fact that i took this year off from work bc we had decided it would be best for the baby. I'm shattered, I'm devasted, and I know that I cannot be with a man that does that to the mother of his child. 

My question is, out of all of this, how do I cope with this? I know I want a divorce, but feel lost. I am starting work next week so i hope that helps me focus on the future, but my heart hurts so much that I can't think straight sometimes. Any advice, anyone?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Man that's horrible. So have you confronted him with all the latest evidence? And would you be able to support yourself currently if you left/divorced? What about your support system? Family? Friends?


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## PinkLady1 (Jan 23, 2013)

I did confront him about all the new stuff and all he said was that he has "a problem" and needs time to fix it. He says he is very sorry and that he wants to make our marriage work. But, his actions speak very differently then his words bc he is still going out with friends and acting as if nothing is wrong. Today I asked him if he wanted to salvage the marriage or if he was just saying what I wanted to hear so i would stop asking questions and being mad. He said he loved me and that he didnt want to leave me but "we are 2 different people" and that he didn't want to change who he is. 
Financially, I have a few issues there but am confident that I can get on my feet without him. Thing is, I'm a teacher and let go of my position for "the greater-good" aka our son, and so next week would only be subbing. So, nothing permanent until hiring season starts in April/May.

Forgot to add, my mom feels I should stay with him bc he "takes care of me" (my mom's words. Yes, she is "old school" and put up with my father's infidelity for years before she left him, so you would think she would understand but no!). I am too emberrassed to tell my dad what is going on because I wouldn't know how to approach him. My brother says he is on my side but is struggling to make ends meet for his family so don't want to bother him for financal help.


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## StillLife (Jan 19, 2013)

Wow PinkLady, I'm so sorry, that's horrible. As you said and as I have learned, actions are everything with a cheater. Words are pretty much completely useless, and his actions have shown the truth of who he is.

Definitely talk to a lawyer. Given the length of time you've been married and the fact you have had to be out of work, I'd have to imagine he'd be responsible for at least temporary alimony as well as child support. 

I know that doesn't help with the agony and the betrayl, but try your best to stay strong, for you and the baby. Focus on that if it helps. If you're like me, keep reaching out to people you can trust to talk about this stuff. Some might suggest you expose the affair, and I have to admit I got some satisfaction in doing that in my situation, but you may be better off just leaving it alone. I don't know.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Well as far as coping goes that is something only time and maybe therapy can help. But in terms of getting back the dignity your husband has taken from you, you have to start focusing on yourself and your child. He's basically admitted he's not going to change. And your two main options are basically either to stay and hope things somehow work out or leave and try to make a better life for yourself. Neither option is easy unfortunately.

If you do leave, you should start seperating your finances if they aren't already and talk to a lawyer. Not sure what country you're in but maybe find out what you can get in alimony/child support if that's possible. I don't know what your financial situation is like. You might have to stick it out with him for awhile to get back on your feet but I'd start setting goals for you feel you would need to leave that situation.


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## PinkLady1 (Jan 23, 2013)

StillLife said:


> Wow PinkLady, I'm so sorry, that's horrible. As you said and as I have learned, actions are everything with a cheater. Words are pretty much completely useless, and his actions have shown the truth of who he is.
> 
> Definitely talk to a lawyer. Given the length of time you've been married and the fact you have had to be out of work, I'd have to imagine he'd be responsible for at least temporary alimony as well as child support.
> 
> I know that doesn't help with the agony and the betrayl, but try your best to stay strong, for you and the baby. Focus on that if it helps. If you're like me, keep reaching out to people you can trust to talk about this stuff. Some might suggest you expose the affair, and I have to admit I got some satisfaction in doing that in my situation, but you may be better off just leaving it alone. I don't know.


Actually, I just sent my sister-in-law an e-mail briefly telling her. I feel it won't help the situation but it did make me feel a little better knowing his family will now know why we're going to divorce. I tried telling his mom with the whole secretary situation and she didn't believe me, so i think that's why I chose to tell his sister instead.

It is hard and I am hurt. I am trying to focus on my baby but I have so much anger inside that all i can do is cry.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

What a horrible, misguided counselor. I suggest you find another counselor.


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## PinkLady1 (Jan 23, 2013)

Jasel said:


> Well as far as coping goes that is something only time and maybe therapy can help. But in terms of getting back the dignity your husband has taken from you, you have to start focusing on yourself and your child. He's basically admitted he's not going to change. And your two main options are basically either to stay and hope things somehow work out or leave and try to make a better life for yourself. Neither option is easy unfortunately.
> 
> If you do leave, you should start seperating your finances if they aren't already and talk to a lawyer. Not sure what country you're in but maybe find out what you can get in alimony/child support if that's possible. I don't know what your financial situation is like. You might have to stick it out with him for awhile to get back on your feet but I'd start setting goals for you feel you would need to leave that situation.


I wasn't sure if I should talk to a lawyer bc I really don't know what steps to take. I think I'm still in shock (even though it's been about a month now since I found out he was still cheating).


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

PinkLady1 said:


> Forgot to add, my mom feels I should stay with him bc he "takes care of me" (my mom's words. Yes, she is "old school" and put up with *my father's infidelity* for years before she left him, so you would think she would understand but no!). *I am too emberrassed to tell my dad what is going on because I wouldn't know how to approach him.* My brother says he is on my side but is struggling to make ends meet for his family so don't want to bother him for financal help.



Tell him. I'd be interested to know what he had to say since he was a cheater too.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Hi *PinkLady1*. 

Standard cheater behavior is to do what is necessary to continue cake-eating. So yes, he is saying what he thinks will keep the heat off him, and idealy cause you fight over him.

The right thing to do for your own mental health is called the "180", which is to prepare yourself for life without him. Become indifferent to him, insulate yourself. Prepare the divorce papers. Regardless of how it works out, this is all for you to regain your self-respect and composure. 

You'll see links to the 180 referenced in the signatures of a number of posters. I think I'll put it in mine here shortly.


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## betterme (Jan 23, 2013)

pinklady..we both have same situation. my husband also a super cheater..we've been together for just two years.on the first time he cheated on me i forgive him because i don't want to lose him..and because i love him so much. but then, he continuously cheating on me seven times and i give up on our marriage.and now were turning 7 months separated..and now i'm trying to be more brave, still hurting but i need to accept the reality that this is life..this is my life.i need to continue my life for my self and most specially to my daughter.i know that someday all pain here in my heart will go away and i'll be better.


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## PinkLady1 (Jan 23, 2013)

Thank you everyone for the advice and sharing your pain alongside mine. Before I go to bed, I just wanted to add this final note. I finally was able to meet up with my long time friend tonight. She's an RN and single mom, so her schedule is hectic. I was able to truly say what was/is in my heart and let out a few good tears. She touched on many points many of you here have mentioned and helped me see the light. I just read a post about doing a 180 on my life and that's basically what I figured out. As I was saying the words out-loud, I quickly changed them to "I" instead of "he" when talking about it. I realize that I do deserve better and it will take time. I am already planning on looking up a divorce lawyer tomorrow morning and have to stay positive because I know I am stronger then the pain in my heart. Again, thanks everyone.


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