# Seperated and has cold feet



## stressedout71 (Apr 25, 2018)

Hi there! looking for some advise - Please be patient - there is a long history here:

We have been married for 22 years. 4 years ago my husband asked for a separation, siting a lack of passion, common interests and general boredom. We agreed to try to work things out - and had several good months, then things kinda slid back - he spends a lot of time away from me and our daughter and that continued to get worse. then 2 years ago he again asked for a separation, siting the same issues and saying that he felt we had become friends and roommates rather than a married couple. Again I begged him to reconsider and again we agreed to work things out, and again for a while it was better. He still continued to spend more and more time away from home and the times he was home, while we didn't fight - we didn't really communicate either - he has a temper and can be mean when mad so I tend to ignore things rather than provoke. 18 months after asking for a divorce a second time, I found out he had what he terms an "indiscretion" where there was involvement of a sexual nature with two strangers. Even after that I was still willing to try to work through it and try to fix our marriage - but he refused to seek help, and continued to spend even less time with us. We limped along - there were days he was morose and guilty and claimed he wasn't worthy of my forgiveness and days were he blamed me for what he did. Finally at Christmas he asked for a separation again and this time told me there would be no reconciliation - he had found someone else. He moved to our basement apartment and began his new relationship - completely shutting out our daughter and myself from his life. Then in March he told me he was breaking up with his girlfriend because he couldn't stand to live without his "best friend" the very next day he told me he was wrong - he loved his girlfriend to much and needed to fix things with her. Now it's april - my daughter is in the hospital going through a critical illness and he is daily wracked with guilt and sorrow over not having been there for her and me over the last several months - he has broken off with his girlfriend and swears he wants to try to fix our marriage one last time - that he promises he has changed and will do whatever it takes. Problem is - I no longer trust him - but if I say no I know it will hurt him as much as it's hurt me over the past several years - am I just being selfish? or am I clueless and need to walk away?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

stressedout71 said:


> Hi there! looking for some advise - Please be patient - there is a long history here:
> 
> We have been married for 22 years. 4 years ago my husband asked for a separation, siting a lack of passion, common interests and general boredom. We agreed to try to work things out - and had several good months, then things kinda slid back - he spends a lot of time away from me and our daughter and that continued to get worse. then 2 years ago he again asked for a separation, siting the same issues and saying that he felt we had become friends and roommates rather than a married couple. Again I begged him to reconsider and again we agreed to work things out, and again for a while it was better. He still continued to spend more and more time away from home and the times he was home, while we didn't fight - we didn't really communicate either - he has a temper and can be mean when mad so I tend to ignore things rather than provoke. 18 months after asking for a divorce a second time, I found out he had what he terms an "indiscretion" where there was involvement of a sexual nature with two strangers. Even after that I was still willing to try to work through it and try to fix our marriage - but he refused to seek help, and continued to spend even less time with us. We limped along - there were days he was morose and guilty and claimed he wasn't worthy of my forgiveness and days were he blamed me for what he did. Finally at Christmas he asked for a separation again and this time told me there would be no reconciliation - he had found someone else. He moved to our basement apartment and began his new relationship - completely shutting out our daughter and myself from his life. Then in March he told me he was breaking up with his girlfriend because he couldn't stand to live without his "best friend" the very next day he told me he was wrong - he loved his girlfriend to much and needed to fix things with her. Now it's april - my daughter is in the hospital going through a critical illness and he is daily wracked with guilt and sorrow over not having been there for her and me over the last several months - he has broken off with his girlfriend and swears he wants to try to fix our marriage one last time - that he promises he has changed and will do whatever it takes. Problem is - I no longer trust him - but if I say no I know it will hurt him as much as it's hurt me over the past several years - am I just being selfish? or am I clueless and need to walk away?


My take, it's not too late for him to be a good FATHER, that would be both of your best bets.

As for a husband, it's too late. Each time he wanted a separation, you do or do not realize he was having an affair ALL of these times? He was and he used a painfully obvious script of what cheaters use. Obvious to me now, not before it happened to me and I read a lot more, so don't feel bad about that. You are going to get a lot of good advice here from the Vets on the board.

Focus on him becoming a better father but focus more on you and your daughter and getting your ducks in a row legally. If you daughter is still in the hospital, you need to focus on that obviously but once she is well and I pray that she will be soon, go see a lawyer. You are not being selfish by doing what is right in this case. He didn't even try to hide how bad he was as a partner, human and previously father. People like this don't change in terms of 1 on 1 relationships. There's still hope for him to be a good father. As far as a life partner, he sucks and whomever the next person he is with, will find that out soon enough.

If you want to put this in terms of being selfish, you may even think of this as a way to push you towards the light. It actually be more selfish to try and stay in this relationship because it's the easy thing to do. What you will need to do will be very hard and feel wrong in a lot of ways. This 'guy' has a lot of internal issues that you cannot solve and he's dragged his family down with him for the past 4 years, at least. Chances are even before him cheating over the last 4 years, he was doing so beforehand as well but just never got emotionally attached to the other person. Must be that his girlfriend(s) he had lately are in control of the relationship and much younger as well and he probably feels like he has to go all in to keep them, which includes the emotional attachment. 

Sorry you are here. I will say a prayer for you and your daughter.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Truthfully, once a spouse has sex with someone else I'd say it is over. I wouldn't even try to reconcile with them at that point. Why would you even want them back. Before you mentioned he was having sex which I was suspecting anyway with these "separations", I was going to suggest counseling, of course, but to stress that you two need to work on your marriage and strive to find things you like to do together and to make a point to intentionally go out on dates and to try new things neither of you have done before and to do this regularly. You have to court each other still and get out of this dull routine where every day is the same. Since he's been unfaithful I'd end things. You can divorce or just ignore him and live your own life and he can be your roommate but I'd suggest being through with him.

You total focus should just be your daughter and her health now.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

So, your "husband" has an affair, decides to separate, the affair doesn't work out, he comes back to "work things out", has an affair...rinse and repeat. Why on Earth do you even entertain the idea of continuing this "marriage"? Just file for the divorce already and let him figure out how to be a decent parent.


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## stressedout71 (Apr 25, 2018)

Thanks for your quick replies - and I agree right now I need to focus on my daughter. He has made a point of bringing all this up after I have repeatedly told him that right now all my emotional and physical energy is with her in the hospital and we can worry about "us" later. 

hinterder - I completely agree - both times we have attempted to patch things up I had begged for councelling - which he said would be a waste of money and he wouldn't have strangers telling us how to fix our lives - I would book date nights and they would get cancelled in favor of work or his "club" and if I didn't plan anything it didn't happen. Even as I type this I realize how ridiculous it sounds - and I know it's just the fear talking - it's financially smarter to stay married, it's safer to stay married rather than navigate the singles scene - it's better for my daughter to have a "Family" - the smart savvy woman in me says run - run fast and run far.


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## stressedout71 (Apr 25, 2018)

Stillfightingforus: thank you - I will take all the prayers and good wishes for her I can get! 

She is strong and will get through this. And you are right - he needs to focus on being whatever she needs him to be. She is 15 and a smart kid - when the "final" separation occurred she wasn't surprised and even suggested that nothing much would change for her - "he was never home before and he isn't home now" said that a kid should be so wise

He needs to focus on her before he looses her too


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Your husband is a fence hopping fool. I'd say worse but I would get banned. 

Protect yourself and your daughter. He's a scumbag if you ask me.

I agree with the smart savvy woman. Run! Run fast and far.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Windwalker said:


> Your husband is a fence hopping fool. I'd say worse but I would get banned.
> 
> Protect yourself and your daughter. He's a scumbag if you ask me.
> 
> I agree with the smart savvy woman. Run! Run fast and far.


At the risk of my point not getting through to her I didn't put it this way but you read my mind lol


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, I knew your husband was a serial cheater before you ever mentioned his "indiscretion". The constantly moving goal-posts, the obvious contempt, the "lack of passion, common interests and general boredom" thing, combined with a cycle yo-yoing between wanting to be married and wanting out. It's all textbook serial cheater stuff. He's probably had more affairs than you know about.

Why do you want to continue to live with a man who is openly contemptuous of you, a liar, a serial cheater, and can't be bothered to be a decent father unless there's some crisis? Don't you feel you deserve better? 

Give him the divorce that's been far too long in coming. And then encourage him to figure out how to be a good parent to his daughter.


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## stressedout71 (Apr 25, 2018)

Rowan - thanks for the sound advise

I always considered myself an intelligent woman - but when he breaks down and cries or stares at me and begs me for forgiveness there is a weak spot in my heart that just wants to make it work. I know you all are right and are telling me what deep down I already know - but that lingering doubt is hard to keep quiet.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

stressedout71 said:


> Rowan - thanks for the sound advise
> 
> I always considered myself an intelligent woman - but when he breaks down and cries or stares at me and begs me for forgiveness there is a weak spot in my heart that just wants to make it work. I know you all are right and are telling me what deep down I already know - but that lingering doubt is hard to keep quiet.



I've been where you are. It sounds to me like you need find your mad. 

This man moved his affair partner into your house. Let that thought roll around in your head for a while. He moved his chippy into the house he shared with his wife and child. Doesn't it make you angry? It should. He lied to you. He used you. He betrayed you. He betrayed _your daughter_. Multiple times. Doesn't that make you mad? It should. And it's perfectly okay to be mad about those things. That's a healthy reaction. So, if you aren't mad, figure out why. If you are? Use it. Let it give you strength. 

Use your anger to fuel change in the only person you have a hope of changing - yourself. Use that anger to help drive you to make a better, healthier, happier life for yourself and your child. Let it fuel your determination to never allow anyone to ever treat you this way again. Let it lead you to an awareness of your own boundaries and the validity of them. Let it fuel your efforts to help your daughter grow into a woman who will know that setting and maintaining her own boundaries are good and necessary things. Oh, and you may find that some of the mad you eventually muster up with be at yourself for having put up with his bull**** for so long, for having allowed him to treat you that way. That's normal and natural. It can be another source of strength, so use it too. Let it help you become a better version of you, someone who knows she deserves better and knows she can do and be and find better. 

Find your mad. Let it help you.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Rowan said:


> Find your mad. Let it help you.


QFT!


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

stressedout71 said:


> Rowan - thanks for the sound advise
> 
> I always considered myself an intelligent woman - but when he breaks down and cries or stares at me and begs me for forgiveness there is a weak spot in my heart that just wants to make it work. I know you all are right and are telling me what deep down I already know - but that lingering doubt is hard to keep quiet.


I am sure that you are an intelligent woman, but this is the problem. 

You are a codependent, if you have not figured this out yet. If you don't know what that is, Google it. 

You wanted your marriage, a lot of us did. And while you are a smart, you are ignorant about several different things that a lot of us are ignorant about until we can't be ignorant anymore. 

Yes your husband is a serial cheater. I assure you that he has had more affairs than he has shoes. Some of it for you has been denial, some of it you just did not understand. 

So what is wrong with your husband besides the cheating. I am GUESSING about several possibilities. And even as I guess what it is, do not use this as an excuse for any of his behavior. 

Chances are that he is depressed to some extent. Bi-polar, maybe, and there could be a lot of other things. Obviously, he has no communication skills, he does not have much of an emotional IQ, and frankly he has no idea who he is. My guess is that he was either raised in a hard environment or he grew up pampered in an upper middle class family. 

Here is the point, NONE of this is your fault and it is not your problem. When he refuses to recognize that he has a problem, and refuses to go to a therapist or doctor, that is on him not on you. 

And at this point, why would you waste any more time with this man? He has cheated more times than you know, he probably does not love you, sorry but that seems fairly obvious, he is a mess. He kind of seems like a man child even at his age. 

Why take another 10 years of your life, force him to get help, if he will and see if he can learn and grow. That offers the possibility that he may not change even if he gets help and it may take years for him to get better if he ever does. 

You have a lot of life left in you, why waste anymore time on this guy hoping that he might get better. 

He has betrayed you countless times, it is time for you to move on, and soon...




I am guessing that you guys are around 40-45.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

stressedout71 said:


> Finally at Christmas he asked for a separation again and this time told me there would be no reconciliation - he had found someone else. He moved to our basement apartment and began his new relationship


Contrary to the cheaters speak that he has you repeating, he did not "begin his new relationship" after he moved into the basement but before. The proof of this is that he asked for the separation with "no reconciliation" because he had already "found someone else". Non-cheaters do not already have "someone else" in place before they seperate.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Every time he told you that he was bored— he was comparing you to his newest affair partner.
Every time he die t time away from you and your daughter, it was selfishly being spent with some other lady.

Every time he wanted a separation, and said it was because you were x, y, z—- he was wanting more alone time for his affair partner.

This man has been lying, gaslighting, and abusing you for years. 

I’m surprised you’re not to the brink of crazy town after the bs he’s been shoveling your way for so long.

Please divorce your serial cheater. You have nothing to lose. It’s not like he’s been around anyway. He’s already abandoned you. I can only imagine the horrible pain he has thoughtlessly put you through. Give him the middle finger and divorce papers the next time he begs for another chance. He’s had far more chances than any man deserves.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Strike 3 and you're out **** bag!

That needs to be your motto from now on.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, you need to give priority to you and your daughter. Your husband is a selfish and negligent husband. His infidelities should not be tolerated. He's a repeated offender. Do away with the drama and seek peace in your situation. I'm truly sorry that you are here.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Look at it this way.... you NEED to show your daughter what a strong woman would do. YOU are her role model. You know you would advise her to leave a man who would do this to her. SHOW her what a strong woman her mother is.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep, if you cannot leave him for yourself, do it for your daughter.

Her father abandoned her for a long time. He's only back right now because he is feeling guilty with her being sick. He'll be gone again once he's over his little guilt trip.

You say that when he puts on a good show you give in. Do you realize that he's just putting on a show? He's learned to manipulate you and push your buttons. When he puts on that act, you need to think about all the bad things he's done and just tell him to stuff his sob story. Where was he when you were crying and upset? Did he melt of you when you were hurting due to his constant affairs and walking out on you? Where was he for your daughter? That alone should tell you how fake and self-serving his pathetic begging is now.

It would be best if you could get angry and use that anger to motivate you. So do it for her, if you cannot do it for yourself.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

stressedout71 said:


> .... or am I clueless and need to walk away?


Sorry, I have to vote for clueless.

The one thing you need to stop doing immediately is all the *begging*. That's so weak, needy and unattractive and there's just no self respect in begging a man to stay with you after he's TOLD you over and over and over and over and over that he wants out.

And every time you let this POS back in the house, you just reaffirm for him how little you respect yourself.

Kick his lying, cheating loser ass out the door and be *done*.


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