# Waiting is hard, am I doing the right thing?



## eyesopen (Mar 16, 2012)

My wife told me she did not love me and wants a divorce 2-3 months ago. The first 2 weeks I was in sock and then for another 2-3 weeks I tried to get her to agree for a trial. Nothing doing.
We are abroad and only returning in another month or so, so meanwhile we are still living together and life is "normal" (did not tell the kids yet, they are 3 and 6).
Anyway, for the past few weeks, I have stopped talking about it, just let her be, do my thing, etc etc. Of course it is killing me inside. I really want to talk to her, not to try and convince her outright (she asked me to stop, says it shows I "don't respect her") but to try and discuss and maybe understand her a bit more (and OK maybe get her thinking). I sort of feel I should not do it and wait till we return from abroad to re-start this type of talks. Am I right in waiting? Or should I just go ahead and talk to her anyway?


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

Wait, absolutely don't run after her. This is a huge detractor for her. She will see it as weak and you're unable to cope with you. In some ways, and I know this is going to sound twisted, this is a testing period. How will you react, will you make rash decisions, will you cry, will you yell etc. 

Try and focus on yourself and take the focus off the marriage. It's hard and I know harder done that said but it's really your best shot. If you feel good about you and start to show that you are healthy and happy, it's a huge door opener. She will questions how you are and if you appear to not being focusing on this she will become curious and possibly even start some dialogue. 

Don't give her all the power and don't let her always have the playbook. Keep her on her toes as far as whats going on in you. Don't be so easy to show all your cards at once. Make he work to figure you out. This isn't to say always be mysterious but definitely reserve a lot of the emotions. It'll be better later on. 

Start working out, start hanging out with the guys, focus on spending quality time with the kids. It's a time for growth and finding that "you" that got lost somewhere between "I think I love this person" and "I do." It's a long road but it can be a lot shorter or longer depending on how you handle yourself. 

Hope things turn out for the best and stay strong.


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## desperateguy (Mar 8, 2012)

Keep it up. It's tough. I'm doing the same - except not living together.

If anything, I'd do more.

Basically, who is pursuing and who is withdrawing? The person who withdraws gets pursued. Sometimes


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

desperateguy said:


> Basically, who is pursuing and who is withdrawing? The person who withdraws gets pursued. Sometimes


Bingo. That right there. 

For the first two months of our separation, I was pursuing my STBXW like crazy, all the while pushing her away and letting her call all the shots and walk a over me. Finally, I said I had enough. I told her if she can't commit then I'll file for divorce and just move on, and I meant it. I went 180 dark. I told her I when I was going to file out of courtesy, but she had to beat me to the punch and filed first. Fine by me, that means I didn't have to pay the filing fee. 

I gave literally no reaction to the filing. None. No text, email, or phone call. Nothing but dead silence. When we text or email, it's only about business. I only now, she always seems to find an excuse to text or email me...it's always about business, but it's happening a lot more often. And she's a lot nicer about it now too. Her snottiness level has decreased substantially. 

I respond when necessary, but I keep it short and brief, albeit civil. I ask no info on her, and I provide none on me. If she asks of she can come by to pick something up, I say "No, I have plans." Not "No, I'm going out to look at furniture." She lost the right to know what I'm doing the second she decided to have an EA and separate. And it adds a level of mystery, too. Plans? What plans? With whom?

I can definitely notice an increase in her contact initiation and a decrease in her bad attitude. But I'm still pressing forward with D and moving on. There is absolutely no hope for R unless she has full disclosure and is genuinely remorseful, and even then I'm not certain I would take her back. 

The point is that if you reverse course, you might just be the one on the receiving end of all the effort and attention. If not, then the 180 will teach you how to be on your own and live a good and happy life without your WS. But don't expect it to happen overnight. I've been 180 dark for almost a month, and it's only within the last week have I seen even a slight reaction to it. Be patient, work on you, have fun, and see what happens. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Phoenixrfa (Mar 31, 2012)

Try reading 'The Divorce Remedy" by Michelle Weiner Davis. 
It has lots of tips and insights for how to deal with this. It has helped me understand and deal with everything. Don't ask or force your wife to read it, but if she does happen to see it "accidently' and read it she might get a clue.


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## desperateguy (Mar 8, 2012)

Process here (Australia) is a bit different, can't file for 12 months post separation. But I'm looking at doing an optional interim thing.

However, in my case, I think she's gone. She has flipped her lid totally, at this point at least 100% doesn't want me. And I don't think I want her - she's shown her true colours. She'll need to do some MAJOR talking to get me back. Everyone is telling me to dump her - even her own parents!


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