# Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde



## specterman (May 20, 2014)

My story;

About two years ago my wife had an affair with a co worker, we work opposing shifts and she had been working a lot of overtime recently so it ended up with only seeing her for minutes a day. We chose this schedule to keep our children out of day care and to have them always with at least one of us. At the time we were in a not so happy place and seemed to argue about everything, and sex was something that only took place about once a month. She is not very good at covering her tracks so her cell phone ratted her out, she did not know I knew the password. She told me it was a one time event and the call I made to the hotel business card i found in her wallet, found somebody willing to look it up for me, while illegal it confirmed her story, of coarse he made her use her name. As I said not very good at track covering. We decided to not throw away our 12 year marriage and went into therapy. Things have been good for the most part since then, but every now and then a trigger will set me off and this whole other compulsive person comes out, he is relentless and wont stop until he finds something to use as leverage with her, as if he wants to hurt her. When I become this person I loose all control, its like watching somebody else behind the wheel. My therapist solution was get on medication, which I tried but when the evil side comes out it really didnt do much to stop it. When he does come out its like pressing rewind and throwing everything away that we accomplished because it digs up the bodies we thought were burried. This is the damaged part of me that wont let go of the pain and its starting to create a rift. Any input on this is appreciated, thank you.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Anger is not unusual, but it's likely going to be worse if this affair was rug swept, and it sounds like it was.

Is she still working with this POS?

Have you exposed her to your family and her family; and him to his wife or SO?

Is she now completely transparent with her communication devices?

Is she demonstrating true remorse?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

has she written you a timeline of the affair?

how would she feel if you had an affair? Would she like the roles turned? 

I agree, she should not be working with the OM.


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## specterman (May 20, 2014)

He works in a different department, she was there on a part time basis but shorty after it came out that time was over, she sees him in passing every now and then. 

I have full access to all her stuff, phone, email, FB info, everything. 
I have not exposed her because if we were going to make it work that would just put her on the blacklist, and both of our families have strong positions on this matter. 

She has shown remorse, every time Mr Hyde throws it in her face she breaks down, and she realizes that she was just used, so she does not want to talk about it much anymore. 

I have not exposed him to his wife, as I just found her a little while ago, after I used a program to hack her backup file and retrieve text and other tid bits. As i said he is relentless

The timeline is only 3 weeks, the text and information I got from the hotel correspond, she made two reservations at the hotel she said the first time they had sex and the second time she backed out, because I had already confronted her and she had second thoughts. if this is true or not IDK the program also showed me that shortly after I found out text from him pretty much stopped and the ones he did send she didnt answer


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

It just confirmed that it was once in that hotel with her name on it. How did it prove that nothing else happened ? I could take a few hours off during work hours


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I don't buy the "she was used" line. Unless she planned to leave you for him which is much worse. Or she did it for the sex and then both used one another. Don't make her a victim. 

You even use negative terms to describe yourself. Did you even deal with why she cheated ? Maybe your obsessiveness is a symptom of something you might be repressing rather than you just being evil SOB...


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## DoktorFun (Feb 25, 2014)

specterman said:


> He works in a different department, she was there on a part time basis but shorty after it came out that time was over, she sees him in passing every now and then.
> 
> I have full access to all her stuff, phone, email, FB info, everything.
> *I have not exposed her because if we were going to make it work that would just put her on the blacklist, and both of our families have strong positions on this matter.
> ...



It looks like rug swepting all the way... :scratchhead:
any consequences for her?

What is your deal-breaker? Have you any...?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

specterman said:


> He works in a different department, she was there on a part time basis but shorty after it came out that time was over, she sees him in passing every now and then.
> 
> I have full access to all her stuff, phone, email, FB info, everything.
> I have not exposed her because if we were going to make it work that would just put her on the blacklist, and both of our families have strong positions on this matter.
> ...


Pretty much like I thought. Rug swept. Lack of consequences for her. No wonder you are having problems with anger.

First, there is no way you should accept them working together. Period. She needs to quit her job.

Secondly, you expose her to your family and hers. That is a critical consequence that she needs to accept.

Third, you expose him to his wife. That's even more important. 

Fourth, her not willing to talk about the A should be unacceptable to you.

You see friend, when you rug sweep an A, your resentment will build - because you eventually come to the realization that you never tested her remorse; and knowing that the POSOM didn't receive any consequences for f**ing *YOUR* wife - it's obvious what your problem is.


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## specterman (May 20, 2014)

She said the reason why is because she felt I was taking her for granted and did not appreciate her, and was not giving her the support she thought I should. Turns out that she was more guilty of that then I was. I dont feel im an evil sob, and I feel my compulsive behavior is warranted but when it gets out of control it accomplishes nothing.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Your wife hasn't experienced any real consequences for what she did, and you know this, so you're reacting the way you are. Ditch the meds first of all. Then read this link

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739

especially about true remorse, and about the 180.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

specterman said:


> She said the reason why is because she felt I was taking her for granted and did not appreciate her, and was not giving her the support she thought I should. Turns out that she was more guilty of that then I was. I dont feel im an evil sob, and I feel my compulsive behavior is warranted but when it gets out of control it accomplishes nothing.


OMG. Also find the term 'blameshifting' in that link and read up on it.

Getting angry at her is totally warranted, but you have to deal with your anger effectively, and sooner or later you have to let it go.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I see rugsweep, her blamshifting, and please, don't buy the "I was used" bit. The OM can say he was used as well. She was not forced to go but she willingly went on her own free will and enjoyed it.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

This is one of those moments you need to decide if you want to take the red pill or the blue pill. 

The red pill you test her remorse by applying some consequences. Personally I would have her change jobs. Is it a sacrifice? Yes. But it will help assure you she is no longer in contact with this guy. If he is still texting her, then work with her on a no contact letter. Or better yet, if you did figure out a home number and can get a hold of the wife, expose him. Don't tell your wife you plan to expose. Just do it. 

The blue pill you determine you can live with that uncertanty you feel and try to move on. 

You live with the choice you make, so you get to make it. Just be sure to evaluate those choices and choose rather than letting the choice be made for you.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

specterman said:


> She said the reason why is because she felt I was taking her for granted and did not appreciate her, and was not giving her the support she thought I should. Turns out that she was more guilty of that then I was. I dont feel im an evil sob, and I feel my compulsive behavior is warranted but when it gets out of control it accomplishes nothing.


So she gave you one the most cliched, run of the mill, overly used answer a selfish cheater can give ? She is so lazy that she couldn't even give you a proper reason ?

Was it in her plan to run off with this guy or just a lover on the side ?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Your wife hasn't experienced any real consequences for what she did, and you know this, so you're reacting the way you are. Ditch the meds first of all. Then read this link
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739
> 
> especially about true remorse, and about the 180.


Consequences are not (about) revenge.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Bad memory's post really resumes it all but still I think you need to listen it for many sources.

first of all your feelings and behaviours are pretty normal for a Betrayed Spouse "Hope1964" already linked one of the best resurces here for persons in your sitation but I would like to remark more than the 180 guide the post number 3 *"Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners." *, read it, print it and share it with your wife, you will see that many of your behaviours and compulsions are described there and is a consequence of her cheating.

now, to be honest with you I don't like your situation at all, there were no consequences for any part other than your rants toward your wife. When a bad behaviour is not faced with consequences people that benefit from them tend to do it again.

I mean thinking in the worst possible situation right now they could be still be having an affair with a scenario like this: secret mail account or msn communication just with the work place internet and accounts (many users here have WS that have done that), burn phone to use just when they are not at home, sex escapades during lunch breaks at work, and doing it like that all your current searching methods become useless.

that is why exposure is so important, why would the OM stop looking for your wife at her work place where you are not seeing her if he have no reasons to stop, I mean he had free sex without consequences, her wife is happily unaware of everything, he can do it in his free time at the work, no reason to stop at all.

many times the OMW becomes your best ally, not just in destroying the affair but also monitoring the movements of the OM and making sure that nothing funny is happening again.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Acoa said:


> expose him. Don't tell your wife you plan to expose. Just do it.


this is very important, if you tell your wife before hand and she have any kind of loyalty or simphaty for the OM she will prevent him and the OM will make his wife think that your are a jelous crazy husband who always accuse all the men close to his wife of being in an affair with her (they always do that)


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## Turin74 (Apr 11, 2014)

Acoa said:


> You live with the choice you make, so you get to make it. Just be sure to evaluate those choices and choose rather than letting the choice be made for you.


3 rules I learned from TAM/CWI:
= leave no stone unturned
= enforce consequences on everybody involved
= maintain control -always

I think your mind (OP) is telling you something is missing from these...

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I don't think your counselor is up to speed on infidelity issues. Besides exposing the OM to his wife, you need to find a counselor trained to deal with ptsd. He also needs to be experienced with infidelity.

If you are still working opposite shifts, this needs to change. That ain't marriage. Its equivalent to a long distance relationship. Neither works and we have seen that over and over here. You HAVE to be together to love one another.

Get the two books linked to below asap. Mmslp is just for you. The other is for you both.


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## specterman (May 20, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> I don't think your counselor is up to speed on infidelity issues. Besides exposing the OM to his wife, you need to find a counselor trained to deal with ptsd. He also needs to be experienced with infidelity.
> 
> If you are still working opposite shifts, this needs to change. That ain't marriage. Its equivalent to a long distance relationship. Neither works and we have seen that over and over here. You HAVE to be together to love one another.
> 
> Get the two books linked to below asap. Mmslp is just for you. The other is for you both.



I agree, part of the reason I no longer attend, seems he was looking for a quick simple solution to a complex problem.

My wife works at an airport, the OM works as far away from her as he can, they only see each other if their paths happen to cross which from what she tells me is only been a few times that he had to come to the terminal for something.

She is switching shifts in a few weeks to an earlier one, and will be getting home 4 hours earlier then she does now. 

Her behavior suggests its over, her phone no longer goes off and when she has had to stay on overtime I text or call her to see if she answers, and she either answers of text me back in a few minutes. 

I know how long it takes her to get home almost to the minute and there has been little change in that other when when she has to stop for gas. 
Ive used the find my Iphone ap to track her for the first year, almost hourly then gave her some leash and stopped checking it so much. 

Our sexual relationship has been better in the last year then it has in the last 5 put together, its become more look into your eyes sex then just the physical act, and we sleep facing each other then away from each other.

I have OCD, Its the reason why I caught her, i spotted a change and followed my gut to Dday, it took me a week to watch and observe then react. 
She denied it at first, of coarse, and then fessed up, as i handed her the hotel business card. I have been vigilant ever since and my gut has for the most part been content with what ive observed.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

specterman said:


> She said the reason why is because she felt I was taking her for granted and did not appreciate her, and was not giving her the support she thought I should. .


One day, I'm going to find the VERY first few threads on TAM, quote over the years to 2014 and create a thread showing how common it is to hear a derivative of "I was taking her for granted and did not appreciate her."

You are angry because deep down you KNOW, your good or bad behavior is not a catalyst for her choice to have an affair.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Do not discount the respect you gain from your wife for exposing the om. Do not tell her before or after you expose him. If you tell her first she can warn him, he will warn his wife a jealous nut may call etc. Don't tell her after so that if he contacts her and she gets pissed at you, you will know he is still in contact.

Letting him slide sends the message to your wife you are unable to defend your marriage or yourself.

Also put him on cheaterville.com. After all he earned it. Send him the google link. He then knows that when his name is googled people will know what kind of sh!t he really is.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

specterman said:


> My story;
> 
> About two years ago my wife had an affair with a co worker, we work opposing shifts and she had been working a lot of overtime recently so it ended up with only seeing her for minutes a day. We chose this schedule to keep our children out of day care and to have them always with at least one of us. At the time we were in a not so happy place and seemed to argue about everything, and sex was something that only took place about once a month. She is not very good at covering her tracks so her cell phone ratted her out, she did not know I knew the password. She told me it was a one time event and the call I made to the hotel business card i found in her wallet, found somebody willing to look it up for me, while illegal it confirmed her story, of coarse he made her use her name. As I said not very good at track covering. We decided to not throw away our 12 year marriage and went into therapy. Things have been good for the most part since then, but every now and then a trigger will set me off and this whole other compulsive person comes out, he is relentless and wont stop until he finds something to use as leverage with her, as if he wants to hurt her. When I become this person I loose all control, its like watching somebody else behind the wheel. *My therapist solution was get on medication, which I tried but when the evil side comes out it really didnt do much to stop it.* When he does come out its like pressing rewind and throwing everything away that we accomplished because it digs up the bodies we thought were burried. This is the damaged part of me that wont let go of the pain and its starting to create a rift. Any input on this is appreciated, thank you.


Maybe a better, more thorough therapist might be of benefit for you?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

specterman said:


> I have OCD, Its the reason why I caught her, i spotted a change and followed my gut to Dday, it took me a week to watch and observe then react.
> She denied it at first, of coarse, and then fessed up, as i handed her the hotel business card. I have been vigilant ever since and my gut has for the most part been content with what ive observed.


Well, I'm going to make your OCD worse and I truly apologize. My sister has a mild form and it is not fun. I have worked at different airports in different states. 
Here are a few of my horror infidelity stories:
Guy Suspended for having sex in an unused Jetway.
A Married woman caught screwing in a van.
A man, same woman as above, divorced because he was caught getting oral in the employe parking lot.
Flight attendant Fired for sexing up a pilot in the c0ckpit (lol editor) of a parked airplane.
I won't even get into what I have stumbled on.

Heck one made the news, but wasn't at my airport.
THE MILE-LOW CLUB; Couple caught having sex in corridor of airport terminal. - Free Online Library


Dude, no, working at different terminals does not make a difference. Let me guess, you are balking at her quitting because she works for an airline right?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Ever hear of the saying. "Believe half of what you see and nothing you here?" In this case it would be a wise choice to also believe nothing that you see and nothing that you here until your fully satisfied. 

She would be a fool not to make herself out as the "patsy" in order to save face and not to make it as serious as it already is. It's called buck passing. 

Cover your bases and inform the OM wife. Then you can concentrate on your problem (your wife) and his wife can wheel out the cast iron fry pan on his ass.


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## specterman (May 20, 2014)

Thank you all for your help. 

Last night my wife and I had a long talk and agreed to find somebody to help us, she also for the first time came clean and told me when it started and how it started. The root of the problem was not that I was not there for her, like some of you have said thats the cop out response, but more of the being found attractive by someone else and it was new and exciting. Flirting led to sexting, sexting led to sending pictures and eventually to cheating. My wife wanted to bury it to save face, but I refused to let her, and I refuse to carry this burden alone anymore. 

Hopefully rebuilding can now begin but finding out the whole story finally has brought me some peace, but my trust in her will take a long hard road for her to get back, and she understands that. 

I dropped a line to the OMs wife from a fake account I have, let karma take its coarse.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Did you email the om's wife or use facebook?

How did things go, how much did her story change?

If you are having a hard time, see your md for temporary help. Also, seriously consider a counselor with ptsd training and infidelity experience.

Get the two books linked to below, they are the best around.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

specterman said:


> I agree, part of the reason I no longer attend, seems he was looking for a quick simple solution to a complex problem.
> 
> My wife works at an airport, the OM works as far away from her as he can, they only see each other if their paths happen to cross which from what she tells me is only been a few times that he had to come to the terminal for something.
> 
> ...


Sorry pal, I hate that this has happened to you.

BUT...if you think that the only time they were physical is in the hotel I have a bridge to sell you. They went to the hotel to finally be able to take their time. Every time they did stuff before was fast and furious in the car or in a closet at work. Sorry....but the hotel was preceded by a number of b!owjobs and dry humping until the frustration made them get a hotel, which by the way is rare. Most affairs are a backseat scramble. I even know a realtor who met her OM at a model home and did it on the floor of an empty house...15 min from meeting at he door to backing out of the driveway.

A hotel is a luxury that they evolve to.... Think about it. And be glad you have mr Hyde to watch your back and look at things a little deeper. Don't wish him away just yet.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

The Jekyll/Hyde thing is interesting. I do that also. I bottle up, act normal, then Ka-blooey. She just sits looking sad and scared, says nothing.

However, If I force myself sometimes to say, "This is really eating at me today" it is much more productive. Seems to be the same result for the OP here.

Why is it so effing hard?


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

specterman said:


> but more of the being found attractive by someone else and it was new and exciting. Flirting led to sexting, sexting led to sending pictures and eventually to cheating.


This is a scary situation as she works in an airport dealing with people everyday, and she is bound to get quite a few compliments. The fact that this is all it took to sway her to move it right along,to other levels shows she has weak conviction and boundaries. She definitely needs counseling to address these issues , as my WW told me once the boundaries are crossed each time it becomes that much easier until a point is reached at which you don't even know you have crossed one. She needs to get this fixed before it becomes routine.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

dogman said:


> Sorry pal, I hate that this has happened to you.
> 
> BUT...if you think that the only time they were physical is in the hotel I have a bridge to sell you. They went to the hotel to finally be able to take their time. Every time they did stuff before was fast and furious in the car or in a closet at work. Sorry....but the hotel was preceded by a number of b!owjobs and dry humping until the frustration made them get a hotel, which by the way is rare. Most affairs are a backseat scramble. I even know a realtor who met her OM at a model home and did it on the floor of an empty house...15 min from meeting at he door to backing out of the driveway.
> 
> A hotel is a luxury that they evolve to.... Think about it. And be glad you have mr Hyde to watch your back and look at things a little deeper. Don't wish him away just yet.


this (unfortunatly) sounds about right, and there are 100s of cases here to prove it, if you lurk in the threads here on TAM you will realize that specially with co-workers that have the same work-hours and lunch breaks this came as advantage to have their first encounters (fooling around, BJs, quikies) in their cars, in work place, in cheap motels, normally the only cases when the first sexual encounter is in a hotel is with affair partners that live in different states or cities (the classic affair that begin as EA and evolve to PA and then they have to planify a convenient encounter while not being clos to each other).

Your wife could be an exception, but I always prefer to believe the patterns and don't give false hope to the OPs.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

specterman said:


> but more of the being found attractive by someone else and it was new and exciting. Flirting led to sexting, sexting led to sending pictures and eventually to cheating. My wife wanted to bury it to save face, but I refused to let her, and I refuse to carry this burden alone anymore.


Ahhh yes, cop out number two. Yes, this one is all over the website and some people accept this as valid. It is also followed by this excuse "Well, you have to tell me I look good."


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