# My Wife Has No Libido And Doesn't Feel There Is A Real Problem



## Vandal (Jan 13, 2011)

OK, so I know there are a LOT of threads everywhere on the Web about wives losing sex drive, etc....It seems common around 40, especially. My situation isn't terribly different, but it is in a way. 

To explain a little, my wife and I have been married for 20 years, 5 kids, with the youngest being now 10. About a year-and-a-half ago our marriage was in a deep struggle (not the first struggle, but perhaps the worst it had ever been for us). We weren't getting along in just about every sense of the word. In the midst of it all, I rediscovered a gal I was previously interested in. Nothing ever happened between me and the other woman sexually, but we both recognized our situation getting too close. Both of us being Christian, we knew it was wrong. So, I ended it and confessed my feelings. After an expected struggle, near-divorce, and a recovery time, our marriage rebounded better than we had ever known it to before. I felt like it was because my screw up allowed my wife the freedom to be more open and admit a hidden desire that I had somewhat suspected before but wasn't sure about.

About 6 months after my wife and I rekindled our marriage, I caught her watching late night shows on HBO and she was particularly interested in the threesome scenes. We talked about it, and it had eventually came out that she was interested in other women. She even said that it was something she had struggled with since she was about 13. I couldn't decide if I was troubled by the "news" or if it turned me on. In any case, we were soon having a sexual blast being, for a lack of a better term, naughty watching porn together, especially lesbian and threesome videos, etc. As Christians, we knew what we were doing was not good for our marriage, but, as a woman, she had more of a struggle with her feelings than I was having. I was having fun in our marriage for the first time in many years. Of course, we both, however, were always afraid of not clearing off the computer or hiding a video or something and getting caught by our kids snooping around in our room, etc. We had gained sex toys that also made our new sex life much more exciting. This was another concern with our kids around...what would we say to them if they found something?

At one point during our sexual excursions, my wife and I decided to get a bit more adventurous than digital eye candy and we tried to set up a meeting with another woman for my wife to explore her fantasies more. After meeting with someone in person, reality sunk in and my wife called it all off before anything happened. She was uncomfortable with it all and flipped a 180 on me, literally overnight. As a Christian, I completely understood and we both knew we needed to stop our sexual adventure before we did something we might later regret. I knew she was right and I would never feel right pushing her into something she wasn't comfortable doing. Nevertheless, I was taken to the pinnacle of sexual excitement for me and then the rug was yanked out.

Fast-forward a year. I haven't made anymore suggestion that my wife take part in something outside of our marriage or even watch porn again. We dropped it completely cold turkey. Neither one of us feel right about that. HOWEVER, now she has closed off almost completely. She has NO desire for sex with me. We have more time together now than we ever have. I work from home most of the time and she is there all day as a homemaker. When the kids are in school, we have time to ourselves. When we go to bed....on weekends....no lack of opportunity, just a serious lack of libido with her now.

SO, the unique side of my issue is that she has no problem with us having sex only once or twice a month. And I say sex not making love because she is more like a quota-fulfilling sex doll who just gives in to make me feel okay for a while. She has no interest in me anymore at all. We can talk about anything, so I have brought it up quite often and she is very adamant about her lack of interest being an issue. She says that I should just deal with it and be happy that I get it even a couple times each month.

Now, I know that, from a Christian perspective, where we were in our marriage a year ago was wrong. I admitted to where I was in our marriage a year-and-a-half ago was wrong. We recovered from all that, but I think she has made sex in general a very dirty thing in her mind, subconsciously, and now she thinks I should as well. I have to be honest here. She prays over me before I leave the house for any occasion, says she loves me, gives me a kiss, and always acts as if everything is perfectly fine. I've told her it isn't. 

Right now, I'm almost in tears because of loneliness in my marriage. I miss intimacy with a woman. I miss being with a woman who wants to be with me back. I'm not a bad looking guy by any means and get plenty of attention from other women...eyes, gestures, etc. that makes things even more difficult. Part of me wishes for a way out and part of me wishes for my wife to come around to the fact that there is a problem in our marriage, whether she wants to believe that or not. 

By the way, I've tried about everything. I've perfected all the romantic come-ons, everything from fixing broken items to dinner to romantic evenings at our favorite restaurants, etc...f course, I've also attempted the direct approach in bed on many occasions when the timing is right...or when I can't stand not having it anymore. These are the seldom occasions that do result in my at least having an orgasm.

So, do you think she's just more lesbian than we thought and just suppressing it or was she just using that as a new excitement as a spark a year ago and now she is just dealing with the guilt? In the past, when we would struggle with this issue, we would always work on it together and she would make an effort to make it work for both of us. Now, she admittedly doesn't think there is a problem. She thinks it is all me having a problem with the frequency of how often she gives in to sex...that a couple times a month is plenty and I should quit complaining. It hurts even more when she prays for me to "come around" and "just be satisfied." I'm not satisfied. I'm lonely. I didn't want to marry a roommate. I wanted a wife. And I still do.


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

This is a rough one. As someone who confesses the same faith as you, I can understand the complexities and your feelings.
My knee jerk reaction opinions are:
1) counseling - whether faith-based or not, there is some deep stuff going on here, on both sides. between the previous alluded dramas in your marriage, to your emotional affair to her attraction towards women - there's enough to need some professional, outside opinions.
2) whether she thinks there's a problem or not, you do, and she has to take that seriously if its major to you. a part of me even wonders if threatening a divorce isnt a option, if only just to get her to open up and talk. but i dont know if thats wise. 

Whatever you do, NO AFFAIRS, and continue to love her the way she needs to be loved. i know when my wife closes up to me sexually, i get very lonely, depressed and tend to pull away from her. its not right, i know it. 
and pray about it - it doesnt hurt.


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## Vandal (Jan 13, 2011)

Yeah, that does sound like good advice to me on all of the above. And I know I would definitely feel better if counseling came from a stranger in this case, but it would need to be from a Christian perspective. On that note, we did get counseling after my mental affair incident a year-and-a-half ago, but that counseling (even Christian) was quickly leading towards divorce. I felt like the pastor (who used to be our pastor years ago) was actually making a case for my wife to leave me over the whole incident, so I eventually stepped in and demanded that we work it out without the "pastoral" advoce. I felt like I confessed everything at that point, laid myself out on the line, only to be trampled down and wind up in divorce anyway. To me, I was thinking, "Why did I just do that to myself if I was going to end my marriage anyway. So I fought for it big time. Since then, I have looked back on that time frame and wondered if I did the right thing. Maybe I should have let it end when I was a signature away from it. But the kids definitely came into play there as well....even though they were already beginning to adjust to us living separately. We were living together for a month or so then. I could have easily ended it by signing the paper put in front of me and walked away. I honestly think I would've been happier in the end, but I doubt my kids would have been as happy. My wife, I'm not sure where she would have been today if I would've signed the paperwork.

I like what effess said too, when she closes up to me like this, I definitely am the same way...I feel lonely, depressed, and tend to pull away. I even go so far sometimes as telling her I'm going to the office to work during the day sometimes when I don't really need to go in and then I'll go work all day from a coffee house or something, just so I don't have to spend time around her and deal with it. Meanwhile, I spend all day feeling that lonely emptiness inside, sometimes wishing I had a way out. That's what prompted me to look for advice online in the first place and find this forum...I'm just feeling like I'm on an island and I can't really tell anything to the friends around me because of the way they would react towards our family in general. I'm just feeling trapped, voiceless, unhappy with my whole situation, as I try to pretend for all those around me that everything is just fine. 

Anyway, thanks for the good advice and I would appreciate any prayers sent our way.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hell I'm having a similar problem - in that I REALLY REALLY REALLY believe the missus is bi-in-denial. She's also had it with other women in the past, which does make me a bit jealous because I've never experienced that side of her (and I never will  bc she's a Christian now and has been since I first met her)

Trying to reawaken that side of her ends up turning her into Darth Wifey however, which is no fun  It's also insulting to her faith and beliefs accusing her of the "truth". But seriously... meh I don't know. I just go "yeah watever" for now. Hell I wish I can just at least hear her tell me those stories over and over again!!! Bah!


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