# A BS's letter to the OW



## allwillbewell

Thought I'd like to share a letter I recently sent to the OW who after 20 months from Dday and NC notice from WH still continues to invade our marriage. We have tried to ignore her but last night was the last straw for me, the BS... Opinions, anyone?

"I learned this morning that you texted my husband last night. He gave me his phone today to take your expected call and is fine with my emailing you this note. You may not believe me, but I did not coerce him to either action, for he is eager to restore my trust in him. But I am glad you reconsidered calling him. Since Christmas, 2011, his attitude towards your attempts to contact him has been to ignore them in the hopes you would finally give up and close this chapter in your life. Believe me, he has. I have always wanted him to give you more closure by responding with a reality check but complied, until now, with his wishes. But now we both feel it is in our best interest to finally, after 20 months, question your motives in desiring contact with him. 
Frankly, your intrusions into our marriage, where you never belonged in the first place, bring him more annoyance and frustration than it does me. He wants to move on, he wants me to move on, he wants to regain his self respect and integrity and become the better person he was meant to be. And yet every 3 or 4 months we are reminded of the past when you invade our privacy by your attempts to contact him. 
After talking it over this morning, we are baffled as to why you continue to intrude where you are not welcome. If your intention is to sow seeds of doubt, it is only bringing us closer together. If you need closure or an apology from him beyond what he has already given you, please say so...we are willing to meet with you one time at a neutral location and talk it out. If you merely want to inform him of some event in your life, he no longer wishes to be your confidant. If you are attempting to invite him back into any kind of relationship, please understand he has closed the door on the kind of life of which he is not proud. And besides, you have chosen to stay with your husband and he deserves better than this prolonging of unhappiness in your life. 
While this will always remain a painful episode for both my husband and I, we have been successful in so many ways to put it behind us. We are picking up the pieces of our old, broken marriage and based on what we learned from the pain of the affair, we are building a new, stonger, more loving relationship in spite of the hurt, lies and loss of trust. Forgiveness does not come easily but will only be the sweeter for the struggle. I truly hope the same for your husband one day. Keep whatever memories and beliefs you need to justify yourself if you want, but please, leave us in peace to heal and grow."


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## Hortensia

Very well written but a little too mild. I would stress and underline leave us alone, even threaten harassment charges if she doesn't. And I don't see why you need to meet with her for closure. He choosed to stay with his wife, you. That's closure enough to me...
As for him to apologize to her, what for?? Unless he raped her all throughout their affair... if anyone should apologize here, it is HER. To YOU.
But you may want to move this thread to the Coping with Infidelity Forum - won't have that many views on here.


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## daisygirl 41

Why has she still got your husbands phone number and email address? These should be changed immediately.
That would really concern me. The first thing H did after his A was change both. She should not have any way of contacting him!
Do not meet with her, that's what she wants, any contact is validation for her. I think you need to be more firm also, as in, BACK OFF YOU LUNATIC!!
Is she married? If so make sure her H or SO are aware of the situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## allwillbewell

When we chose to stay together, NC was a condition for me and we had quite a heated argument over changing email and phone #. He refused as they are his business address and #. As he was still deep in the fog, and I was incredibly fearful and compliant, I let it pass as I felt we had bigger fish to fry at the time. I also realized even if he changed both, she could easily find them out as the new ones would be his public business contacts. So what was the point? As to the "apology", he threw her under the bus so to speak, and I think she feels he needs to apologize. She accused him of "not standing up for her and their love" when discovered...And as to informing her husband, I did once about a year ago and he replied he already knew...so whether he did and doesnt care or whether he prefers his head in the sand, I decided he ultimately controls how much truth he can handle and what boundaries he demands of her. I certainly remained hypervigilant and remained aware of her intrusions and my husbands nonresponse. I don't expect him to care about my issues on top of his own...I have no idea what motivates their marriage other than she can't be too devoted to him if she is still pining after my husband! 
But you know what? I have decided she is not worth my time and fear, she is pathetic. I cannot control her nor want to waste any more of my time and mental energy on speculation. I told my husband that if he hides from me any contact with her under the belief that I will go ballistic or if he welcomes any future contact by responding, it means he doesnt trust me(which I have to rebuild for him too) or obviously has no intention of honoring the boundaries of our marriage. Deal breaking. At the same time, I realize I must take the risk of trusting him again at some point and lay aside my fear to move forward. What will be will be and in the end all will be well and as it should be, right?


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## 2xloser

Why YOU are writing this letter and not him?

To be honest it loses some credibility to me, where you are speaking for him -- like he can't say these things himself... sorry. 

Picture the OW reading this letter, rolling her eyes because it comes from you and she "knows better as to what he really thinks deep down".


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## asianwoman

2xloser said:


> Why YOU are writing this letter and not him?
> 
> To be honest it loses some credibility to me, where you are speaking for him -- like he can't say these things himself... sorry.
> 
> Picture the OW reading this letter, rolling her eyes because it comes from you and she "knows better as to what he really thinks deep down".


totally agree !

Your husband should write the letter, that will wake her up.


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## Omegaa

allwillbewell said:


> I must take the risk of trusting him again at some point and lay aside my fear to move forward. What will be will be and in the end all will be well and as it should be, right?


Hi

I'm rather surprised by his decision to keep old contact details. 

In my view, it is difficult not to think that your h had kept the old email address/mobile (?) number FOR HER or for their "old time's sake". He's honouring her feelings not yours. This woman therefore sees this as "same as before" "nothing has changed" and she keeps contacting. He has kept the front door open to her as it were. Why? It's because it is ego boosting to him. Whilst this goes on, he becomes the centre of attention. 

I have to say, I agree with all the other replies. You might want to consider taking some court action if she won't take "no" as "no". 

If I remember other highly interesting threads of yours correctly, your h had a LTR over a number of years? 
Things do change after A/LTR. 

Even though your h had stopped A/LTR at this time, he's fundamentally the same man as before. When one A/LTR ends, that doesn't necessarily mean that he will be immuned to the possibility of another A at some point. 

But that doesn't necessarily mean that we are all doomed. We can still enjoy our marriage but things are not the same as it used to be.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Agree, MUST come from YOUR HUSBAND.
Agreed, too wordy and too nice.
Husband needs to BLOCK HER NUMBER from his phone and BLOCK her email from his email (goes directly to 'junk' or 'delete').
Something more along the lines of:

*(her name) The affair is over! I have NO interest in seeing, talking to, nor hearing from you again. I have nothing left to say TO YOU or ABOUT YOU. YOU have NOTHING TO SAY that I want or need to hear.

Cease and desist ALL further attempts to contact me by phone, text, email, fax, in person. A copy of this text is being forwarded to my personal attorney. One more contact from you after this (even to respond to THIS text) will be considered harassment and I WILL bring charges against you.

(his name)*

He MUST file a harassment charge EVERY TIME she contacts him after this! Otherwise, the crap continues AND he proves (again) he is NOT a man of his word.

BTW: You *DID* note #3 above, didn't you? This could have been easily 'managed' 20 months ago had your H BLOCKED her phone number and email address from his accounts. Yes, she could call from another phone number (like her landline) which he then BLOCKS. She could do it ad infinitum, but eventually either the 'fun' would fade for her, or he would file a harassment complaint.

If he doesn't know *HOW* to block her number from his phone:

look it up on the internet
take the phone to a phone store and ask a 20-something employee to do it
If he doesn't know *HOW* to block her emails, look it up on the internet.

.


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## LdyVenus

Just change his number...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## allwillbewell

Thank you ladies, for your input and yes! I agree with much of what you say: too mild, too wordy, too emotional, too overthought...that's me! Just a few more facts about this situation: my husband stopped responding to texts, emails over a year ago, about 6 months after dday. (I realistically think that is how long it took him to get out of the fog after a SIX year affair.) He felt so strongly that no response, ignoring her was the best tactic. I complied as I felt any response would be giving her the attention she wanted. Obviously, that didn't work. Her contacts were typically about 3-4 months apart, apparently when she was drunk or obsessing, usually to remind him of what they had shared...just enough to make me lose confidence, self esteem I had gained as H and I rebuilt love/relationship...causing any shaky trust I had managed to aquire to evaporate once again. This last time was the last straw and in my anger, and frustration at a situation she was manipulating and where ironically, my blame and anger fell on husband, I insisted on sending my letter. So after 4 days with me wildly suspicious and paranoid, my husband and I discussing the situation and options daily, guess what? He got up and wrote her the NC letter he should have 20 months ago AND he wrote her husband, his former friend, an apology...Now, don't go rolling your eyes...LOL! He finally HEARD me when I told him that he had never got the message across to her that he LOVED me..and that he had been wrong, selfish, deceitful, yada, yada...and so he told her that along with a demand for NC. Any progress is better than none... In that regard, we are really at Day #1 of recovery. To tell the truth, I, who had resigned myself never to see this, feel its better late than never; you really would have to know my husband to understand how big a step this is for him...sorry if you think I am a doormat but what BS is not, really?. As to his apology to BH, many here on TAM think that is just a cowardly ploy but as a BS myself, I would give anything to have OW apologize to me and own up to the hurt and destruction she caused and admit she was wrong. So time will tell in this little drama...and only God (and other BSs!) knows how exhausted and fed up I am with it all...but thankyou everyone, how I wish I had had your support 20 months ago!


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## jessi

If I were you, every time she tried to make contact I would contact her husband send him phone records, your best friend in this honesty and keeping her accountable.....
let him deal with her as well.
have a lawyer send a not so friendly letter to the two of them.
she needs to know she will be sold out if she keeps attempting to interfere in your lives.....
every bit of work you two do late or not is a good thing, marriage is very hard recovering from an affair......
it is a long road, you just be the best wife in the world and meet all of his needs his way. Keep him falling in love everyday.
good luck and I hope that the OW figures it out soon.
It is incredible what some people will lower themselves to......how pathetic of her.......


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## sdcott

I agree with the idea that he should be writing the letter from him and letting her know she is not welcome in any shape or form in your life. I would in no way agree to meet with her, to what point??? Leave her where she belongs, out of your life and don't allow her to suck any of your time together away from you or give her the power to manipulate either of you in any way!


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