# Not sure what else to do



## itsmike (Dec 5, 2016)

Hey all,

So I have been married for 3 years now (I'm 28 and wife 27) and everything in the marriage has been going strong outside of sex. The first year of our marriage we had sex roughly 1-2 times a week, as she felt this was enough for her. This wasn't enough for me but I figured I'd sacrifice and be the one to come to her terms, as it isn't a horrible number. However, after that first year, our sex life has dropped so low that we have sex on average between 1-2 times a month. Just as an example, since October 1st of 2016, we have had sex 4 times and of those 4 times, I've had to initiate 3 of them. I've dropped off initiating so much because I was constantly being turned down and it's just not fun to always try to help set the mood to just be turned down. 

Ontop of all this, when we do have sex, it's basically a one way street. I give her plenty of foreplay in hopes that she will return the favor but I never get it. For her, it's about getting what she wants and then finishing up as quick as possible.

I've had talks, several, over the past 2 years. This year alone I've had 6 talks about how I'd like to increase our sex life and what I can do to help increase. She would agree to it and hold to it for about 2 weeks before diving back down to 1-2 times a month. I've tried talking, so many times, well over 10 times in 2 years, it just doesn't seem to get through to her.

Any other ideas?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

How is the rest of your relationship?


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

itsmike said:


> Hey all,
> 
> So I have been married for 3 years now (I'm 28 and wife 27) and everything in the marriage has been going strong outside of sex. The first year of our marriage we had sex roughly 1-2 times a week, as she felt this was enough for her. This wasn't enough for me but I figured I'd sacrifice and be the one to come to her terms, as it isn't a horrible number. However, after that first year, our sex life has dropped so low that we have sex on average between 1-2 times a month. Just as an example, since October 1st of 2016, we have had sex 4 times and of those 4 times, I've had to initiate 3 of them. I've dropped off initiating so much because I was constantly being turned down and it's just not fun to always try to help set the mood to just be turned down.
> 
> ...


That's the trouble with liars, they don't do what they say they will.

The bottom line is that she's selfish. Based on her past behavior, do you see her moving past that?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

farsidejunky said:


> How is the rest of your relationship?





itsmike said:


> everything in the marriage has been going strong outside of sex.


:grin2:


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

itsmike said:


> Hey all,
> 
> So I have been married for 3 years now (I'm 28 and wife 27) and everything in the marriage has been going strong outside of sex. The first year of our marriage we had sex roughly 1-2 times a week, as she felt this was enough for her. This wasn't enough for me but I figured I'd sacrifice and be the one to come to her terms, as it isn't a horrible number. However, after that first year, our sex life has dropped so low that we have sex on average between 1-2 times a month. Just as an example, since October 1st of 2016, we have had sex 4 times and of those 4 times, I've had to initiate 3 of them. I've dropped off initiating so much because I was constantly being turned down and it's just not fun to always try to help set the mood to just be turned down.
> 
> ...


tiredness
stress
over worked
Any kids or scared of getting pregnant
depression/anxiety/meds
physical health problems that interfere with sex (maybe something embarrassing that she doesn't want to tell you about)
Self-esteem issues (she doesn't think she is attractive or good at sex)
Clueless - she has no idea how important it is to you because your 'talks' are never getting to the heart of the matter or addressing how it makes you feel. Just comes across as nagging or whining (?)
She's bored or finds orgasms difficult. Does she talk to you about what she likes? Sex begets sex. 
Have you tried something new recently to get her interest. 
Do you woo her beforehand or just pounce.
Has anything happened to make her feel not good enough? (criticism, porn use, sexual dysfunction)

You don't have to answer these but just a few things to think about. Usually when sex tails off for no reason there is definitely *a* reason.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

itsmike said:


> Hey all,
> 
> So I have been married for 3 years now (I'm 28 and wife 27) and everything in the marriage has been going strong outside of sex. The first year of our marriage we had sex roughly 1-2 times a week, as she felt this was enough for her. This wasn't enough for me but I figured I'd sacrifice and be the one to come to her terms, as it isn't a horrible number. However, after that first year, our sex life has dropped so low that we have sex on average between 1-2 times a month. Just as an example, since October 1st of 2016, we have had sex 4 times and of those 4 times, I've had to initiate 3 of them. I've dropped off initiating so much because I was constantly being turned down and it's just not fun to always try to help set the mood to just be turned down.
> 
> ...


Without further information, this could be any number of things.

Perhaps she's just not that into sex. Not an uncommon thing, unfortunately. You will meet dozens (hundreds?) of folks who are married to someone like that, here on TAM. I'm one of them.

Maybe she's generally stressed with life, and it's not a priority. Again, not uncommon.

She may view sex as something she's "supposed" to do, and therefore puts much less emphasis on it than you do.

Your way of initiating may not be what she likes.

Maybe the romance and/or excitement in her life is lacking.

The actual sex may not be exactly as she prefers. Don't discount this. Being a good lover doesn't just mean having the skills in the bedroom. It incorporates so much more.

Case in point, you mentioned that you give her plenty of foreplay - she may not actually WANT this, believe it or not. It took me years to figure out (or rather took my wife years to tell me) that she doesn't want or need crazy amounts of foreplay every single time. Or that she doesn't need to orgasm orally beforehand. Sometimes she literally just wants me to put it in and, for lack of a better term, pound her. It's not because she wants it over with, it's genuinely because she LIKES this from time to time. SHE wants ME to show some genuine passion for her, to the point where she feels I can't control myself and take her. As opposed to me spending x-amount of time trying to pleasure her.

I think most people are actually like this. I know I like when my wife shows this sort of passion and just hops right on and rides the hell out of me. I've learned (from TAM!) that many women genuinely enjoy this sort of sex - though not every single time, of course. They want to feel like you can't control yourself with them, and that you need them - NOW. Other times, my wife likes it when I spend some time on her. I just have to read the signs and act accordingly.

In other words, my wife does not want sex to always be solely about her. Nor does she always want it to be the same, or to do the same things. This would create pressure for her to orgasm or otherwise 'perform'. When you stop and think about it, you probably wouldn't want a partner who's all about you, 100% of the time, either. A big part of sex is that both partners thoroughly enjoy themselves. It's a balance.

My advice, and it may not sound logical, but don't over-talk this with your wife. It creates pressure for her. It also screams "I don't know what you want" - which is not attractive. You're supposed to know.  Instead, mix it up. Show her your passion for her and that you can't always control it. Learn to read the signs beforehand if you can, otherwise do it during. Take a bit more control from time to time - a minute of oral foreplay, then in you go. Change her position. Grunt and groan. That sort of thing.

There's a fine line, though, I've learned. My wife has the best sex and orgasms when I basically take her. I do it so rarely, though, that it's unexpected. For me, maybe twice every three months or so, I'll catch her before she jumps in the shower, for example. Guide her towards the bed, go down on her for a minute or so, then put it in. She often resists a little bit ("what are you doing?" Small smile), but that's almost part of the excitement for her (YMMV, I don't know your wife's personality). I DO know when she's really not into it, however, but that's fairly rare. But it's those times when she knows it's more about me that she's actually able to let go and not feel any pressure to orgasm. Which leads to her best orgasms.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It sounds like she started out low drive, and the only reason you got as much sex as you did in the beginning was due to new relationship hormones. Now, those hormones have worn off, and she is probably at her baseline sexuality. It is highly likely that sex will become even less frequent as time goes on. So, unless there IS another factor in your lives, such as stress or resentment or a medical issue, then this isn't something you can fix (and she can't either, even if she says she wants to). (There are some rare exceptions, but those almost always happen when the low drive spouse "gets it" that this can destroy a relationship that they actually want to keep.) Barring one of these exceptional cases, I suggest you end the marriage now - especially do not have children with her - and learn from this when seeking a new relationship.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Sadly this sounds like a typical low desire person. She doesn't want much sex. She can do it more often if she feels that she has to, but her natural desire is very low. 

Probably nothing you can do.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

itsmike said:


> Any other ideas?


*
#1 NEVER EVER COMPLAIN ABOUT SEX! *Even if you are not getting enough at the moment, sex is something that you have to be careful NOT to associate with anxiety. Even if you have a build up of desire, most women have a responsive-style desire and will NOT be able to respond to a husband that is getting frustrated or complaining about sex. 

*#2 NEVER STOP INITIATING! * When you initiate, be sure YOU are ready to have sex. Do NOT do it because you want to please her, but do it because you are ready to be pleased. Do NOT force her to enjoy herself when you initiate. Make it very easy to please you, and remain unrealistically confident and upbeat if she says no. While she may get upset, at the end of the day women like a man that is persistent and upbeat. 

*#3 NEVER INITIATE WHEN YOU ARE NOT IN THE MOOD!* Odds are you are doing this! Many men choose to initiate when they are not in the mood, because if their wife says no, it does not hurt as much. Then if she says yes, you are not ready to go and may attempt to please her in order to try and actually get yourself aroused. To her this comes across as you forcing her to enjoy yourself at a moment when you may not exactly be in the mood. She will be very sensitive to this and it will make the experience excruciating for her, because you claim to need it but yet you may not respond to her that well (making her think it is because she is unattractive)

*#4 DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO HELP YOU WIFE BUILD HER SELF CONFIDENCE! *Odds are she could be struggling with her self image, and this makes getting naked in front of you to be something that causes her anxiety and robs her of any chance of enjoying herself. If she can become proud of her body, she will be proud to share it with you. 

*#5 BE CAREFUL OF ANY PAST TRAUMA!* If you wife has hinted in any way that she has experienced sexual trauma of any kind in the past do NOT dismiss this! Even if it is something as simple as her first yeast infection after her first few sexual experiences with you, and you still wanted to keep having sex. Regardless if the problem is little or big, her feelings are real and you need to make sure she feels like you are a husband that will be aware of her feelings are care for her wellbeing as opposed her feeling that you are someone that just needs to keep using her for sex. 


I would advise you ask her to simply hug you while the two of you are nude. If you have an irresistible urge, ask her for a hand job. Be sure and compliment her during the process. Ask if there is anything she wants, but do not do it unless she says OK or asks you. Keep your hands away from her nipples and clit UNLESS she gives you an obvious signal that she wants it, which usually comes in the form of her grabbing your hand and putting it there, especially since you mentioned she is already used to having sex be all about her. 

Hope that helps, 
Badsanta


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