# I kinda had an affair/ inappropriate convo. Need Help!



## Wholady22 (Jul 31, 2012)

Recently my husband found a message from an old friend/ex. The message was found 1 year after it was sent and it was only 1 message between us. The message had a very inappropriate sexual comment about our past which I relied to (but this part of the convo was us joking about the past). However it was very hurtful for my husband. The rest of the message was just catching up about what was going on in our lives. I talk about how happy I am with my husband (together 5 yrs married 3yrs). I also was giving the ex advice on his current relationship. I don’t really consider this an affair because we weren’t talking about getting together currently, however my husband feels it was infidelity. He is angry, hurt, upset, confused and in shock about the whole situation. I am mad and hurt that I did such a dumb and immature thing that really hurt him and I don’t know how to fix it. He says I just need to give him time to get over it which I am doing. I have apologized many times and I think he believes me. However he doesn’t have anyone to talk about this to, so he keeps talking about it to me. He says that after what he read he can’t stop mentally picturing it. I understand that no one wants to picture their spouse with someone else in a sexual manner. However I feel like if we keep talking about it, we won’t be able to get over it.
Separate from that issue, he said that over the last year or so he doesn’t feel like I love him anymore. He said that I never innate sex so he thinks I am not attracted to him. I come from a single parent home so I think part of my problem is that I don’t know how to be a wife. And we have a young child that I am very focused on. 
I am willing to do whatever it takes to fix this relationship because I really do love my husband so much and I want this to work. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I have never had to deal with situations like this so I don’t know what to do.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Wholady22 said:


> it was only 1 message between us.
> 
> I also was giving the ex advice on his current relationship.


I stopped reading after this. It's only ONE message and yet you gave him advice on his current relationship??? Huh?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Marriage counselling.

Also, ask him what he needs from YOU. Tell him what you need from HIM.

Absolutely, positively NO CONTACT with that ex ever ever again if you respect and love your husband. Sever all ties completely and forever and never speak to him again.

Words are cheap. Actions are paramount. 

Your husband said you never initiate so start doing it. The fact that he says you stopped initiating right around the time you were sexting with another man does NOT look good for you. 2 + 2 = 4.

Remember, you need to show him not just tell him you will do right.

And Mavash is right--there no zero need to be giving an ex or anyone else advice that you've knocked boots with in the past. That right there opens the door for an emotional affair. Do not discuss bad issues in your relationship with someone you've been in bed with before. Just...no.


----------



## freckleface (Jul 10, 2012)

Were you sexting or was it a reference to your past? And by one message, I'm gathering you mean that one message out of the many was inappropriate?


----------



## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi Lady although it may not seem or appear to be a big deal to you depending upon yr husbands background and what he has or hasnt been through in the past I feel that it is best to be completely transparent with your partner ie phone calls or emails etc from exes or any other convos with the opposite sex if you turned the tables and say your husband had contact with a ex and gave advise on their current relationship how would you feel ??? this is normally how affairs start btw something to consider anyway yes be as supportive as possible and answer any questions he may have about the contact and offer transparency in the future this should help him in restoring some trust and should bring yall closer maybe even suggest visiting a marriage counselor etc 

Good Luck


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

In_The_Wind said:


> Hi Lady although it may not seem or appear to be a big deal to you depending upon yr husbands background and what he has or hasnt been through in the past I feel that it is best to be completely transparent with your partner ie phone calls or emails etc from exes or any other convos with the opposite sex *if you turned the tables and say your husband had contact with a ex and gave advise on their current relationship how would you feel ??? *


:iagree:

Empathize with him. Seriously. How would YOU feel if he did it to you and then maybe you can understand where he is coming from.


----------



## Wholady22 (Jul 31, 2012)

Correction, it was a back and forth im on facebook on 1 day only a year ago. We joked, caught up on our current lives ect. And by advice about his current relationship, he said that he was happy in his current relationship. And I said he should try not to mess it up. We have talked about our other problems dealing with sex and I am going to do everything he wants to fix it. I just dont know how to correct the im message issue. I need to regain his trust but i dont know how.


----------



## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> I stopped reading after this. It's only ONE message and yet you gave him advice on his current relationship??? Huh?


:iagree:

That's the story she has for her husband, but there's little point to sticking to it here.


----------



## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

In your top post, you say he tells you he just needs time. There is your answer. Give him time.


----------



## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

To restore trust first one must be trustworthy ie honest, tell the truth, etc if say you are going to be home at 5pm be home at 5pm, it will come back slowly offer to go to mc if he feels like that would help, be available for him try to do things yall did when you first started going out FBhas caused more divorces in the past couple of years than anything be careful who you friend etc both me and my wife have fb accts neither one of us has any exes on our fb we also have each others passwords


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Wholady22 said:


> I just dont know how to correct the im message issue. *I need to regain his trust but i dont know how*.


ASK HIM HOW you can regain his trust. Tell him you want to regain it but aren't sure how. 

He is the person you need to ask.

So you told your ex not to mess up his current relationship and then started talking to him about sex you had in the past together? Because that was conducive to helping his current relationship? 

... 
...

Surely you realize that is NOT innocent.



Wholady22 said:


> Correction, it was a back and forth im on facebook on 1 day only a year ago. We joked, caught up on our current lives ect. *And by advice about his current relationship, he said that he was happy in his current relationship. And I said he should try not to mess it up.*


Boundaries. Learn them. Enforce them. Keep them.


----------



## freckleface (Jul 10, 2012)

Time + seeing your behavior as being trustworthy. Leave your FB open to him for a while so he can see that you're not doing anything goofy. Ask him if there's anything else in relation to that - do you need to delete the guy from FB? your phone? What would make him comfortable?

If he has no answers for those, be patient and let him figure them out. Hopefully he will communicate his needs to you. If you feel he's not, feel free to ask, gently. Don't be demanding about it - this has to happen on his terms. Try to be patient.

Overall it does not sound like a big deal in the grand scheme of things. But that doesn't mean it feels that way to him yet. 

Just be gentle with him while he's figuring himself out.


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Reminiscing with an ex about a past slap and tickle session....really bad idea. Doing so at the same time you and your husband are having sexual issues.........really, really bad idea. So, You didn't know this? How old are you? So what part of all of this is going to make your husband feel any better, or give him any incentive to trust you? This is a pretty sh*tty thing to do. You need to come completely clean, never have ANY contact with this Ex again, and do whatever your husband says, to restore trust.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

freckleface said:


> Ask him if there's anything else in relation to that - *do you need to delete the guy from FB? your phone? * What would make him comfortable?.


That shouldn't even be a question. If she was serious about regaining her husband's trust, she would have deleted the dude off her Facebook & her phone/email/etc as soon as her husband brought up the emails, out of respect for her husband. Actions speak louder than words. As an extra precaution, she should delete all exes. 



freckleface said:


> Overall it does not sound like a big deal in the grand scheme of things.


Actually it IS a big deal because her behavior has hurt her husband and her marriage and the trust is now broken. Those are tiny things.


----------



## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

My W could have written something close to that 1st post. A few years ago, she "friended" her HS ex-bf on FB. About a month later, I got to see a few of their chats/messages. It was mostly friendly interchanges, but mixed in were some things that stuck a dagger in my heart. I shut them both down, and laid down my boundary - if she feels the need to contact any ex, I'm starting the D process. She went back and forth with apologies and defending herself - "I was drunk when I wrote that!" and "You shouldn't have looked!" 

I didn't know about TAM, or any other marriage forum, and I didn't know what to do. I did the hysterical bonding thing, I got clingy, I got pizzed, we argued, etc. There really was no R in our case, and this is something that still bothers me years later. Trust is broken.

Wholady - be honest/open with your husband. Bust your azz to show him that you want a strong marriage. Believe me, you don't want something like this to fester in your H's brain for years.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Why do I feel like there is more to this story? The words 'trickle truth' keep coming to mind. Exactly what did your husband read? How bad was it?


----------



## Wholady22 (Jul 31, 2012)

Thank you to those with actual helpful advice instead of just opinions. Please believe that my original post is how the situation went. It would be pointless for me to come on her anonymously looking for advice but lie to strangers. 

I have deleted the facebook account. He has always had access to my passwords or I use the “remember me” option online so he can view anything he wants. I have never had a lock on my phone or anything like that. It was just one dumb mistake. I fully take responsibility for my actions and have not tried to justify it to him with excuses. I told him I was wrong, I made a mistake and I am sorry. When I did it, I didn’t think of how it would make him feel and I am sorry for that. I know that I would be just as hurt if the shoe was on the other foot. I am just here seeking advice on how to fix it. I never intended to hurt him, but I did and I know it was wrong. I will just give him time and see what he needs me to do from there. 

Thanks again


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Whoalady--definitely be patient with him as he's still reeling from this BUT you need to also be hands-on and ask him straight up "WHAT CAN I DO to make this better? What can I do to regain your trust?" And tell him that you understand how he feels (this is super important) because you would have felt the same way if he did it.

A little empathy goes a long long long way.

Boundaries, baby.

Good for you for deleting the FB. It brings a lot of problems esp. after something like cheating/inappropriateness.


----------



## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Who - it looks like you are doing the right things...the things I wish my W was capable of doing in this situation. Just give your H time to work through this, and stay away from all ex-bf's.


----------



## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Yep, empathy and understanding are what you need to have, here.

And better boundaries, obviously.


----------



## wrsteele1 (May 29, 2012)

My wife probably could have written something like this first post, too. That would have been about 6 months before our eventual divorce began.

Slippery slope/boundaries. If you don't go no contact permanently now you're risking your marriage.

In addition to asking him what he needs (to repair trust, have a strong marriage) and telling him what you need (to have a strong marriage), you might also read 5 Love Languages. Doesn't prevent or repair infidelity but does help you understand what you and your partner need from a relationship.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Pretend your life is a ledger. On the left side is one mistake you made. On the right side is the "total" you. Make sure the "total" you is something that shows him love, affection, and makes him feel like the most sexually fulfilled man on earth. 99% of people will judge based on the right side of the ledger. If he is not going to do that, you do have a problem.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I would get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and read it together.

Then work through the books His Needs / Her Needs and Love Busters together. If you don't see improvements after that, book a marriage counselor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

Wholady22 said:


> Recently my husband found a message from an old friend/ex. The message was found 1 year after it was sent and it was only 1 message between us.


The only question I have is, why did you keep the message from a year ago? Most people just delete their messages unless you kept it for sentimental reasons?

It's like taking a photo of somebody and keeping it in your wallet/purse so that you can always see the photo once in a while to brighten up your day. But the photo isn't a picture of the husband or wife.

Or are you like my wife, has no idea how to delete anything so she's got a billion messages dating back 6 years on her e-mail accounts.

If it was just an innocent 1 time deal then the message should have been deleted. Tell the truth, did you go back and re-read the entire conversation once in a while and it put a smile on your face???


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Wholady22 said:


> Correction, it was a back and forth im on facebook on 1 day only a year ago. We joked, caught up on our current lives ect. And by advice about his current relationship, he said that he was happy in his current relationship. And I said he should try not to mess it up. We have talked about our other problems dealing with sex and I am going to do everything he wants to fix it. I just dont know how to correct the im message issue. I need to regain his trust but i dont know how.


IMO, it was a big mistake to have anything to do with an EX. It can cause huge issues ... as you are finding out. 

You need to go full NC with any EXs like this. Also again IMO you should not be joking about sex with any man not your husband ...

I suggest that you guys practice full transparency which you may be now.

Also do His Needs Her Needs together. You guys sound like you are not meeting each others needs. Do not skip the boundary setting for sure. You need this.

Good luck.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

freckleface said:


> Time + seeing your behavior as being trustworthy. Leave your FB open to him for a while so he can see that you're not doing anything goofy. Ask him if there's anything else in relation to that - do you need to delete the guy from FB? your phone? What would make him comfortable?
> 
> If he has no answers for those, be patient and let him figure them out. Hopefully he will communicate his needs to you. If you feel he's not, feel free to ask, gently. Don't be demanding about it - this has to happen on his terms. Try to be patient.
> 
> ...


Not only delete all EXs but block them on FB. Don;t ask him. Gain extra points for being proactive.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

snap said:


> :iagree:
> 
> That's the story she has for her husband, but there's little point to sticking to it here.


Ah. It was one message, but it was a string of IM sessions in that one message. Sort of like one phone call, but it lasted 6 hours kind of thing?


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

You got me kinda curious about what was actually the message to have that effect on your husband. Must not have been pretty.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

There is A LOT MORE TO THIS STORY.
The version we got seems to be the "sanitized version ."
One text message could not have contained soooooo much info.
There is a reason the husband is devastated.


----------



## thebuckest (Jul 10, 2012)

Wholady22 said:


> Recently my husband found a message from an old friend/ex. The message was found 1 year after it was sent and it was only 1 message between us. The message had a very inappropriate sexual comment about our past which I relied to (but this part of the convo was us joking about the past). However it was very hurtful for my husband. The rest of the message was just catching up about what was going on in our lives. I talk about how happy I am with my husband (together 5 yrs married 3yrs). I also was giving the ex advice on his current relationship. I don’t really consider this an affair because we weren’t talking about getting together currently, however my husband feels it was infidelity. He is angry, hurt, upset, confused and in shock about the whole situation. I am mad and hurt that I did such a dumb and immature thing that really hurt him and I don’t know how to fix it. He says I just need to give him time to get over it which I am doing. I have apologized many times and I think he believes me. However he doesn’t have anyone to talk about this to, so he keeps talking about it to me. He says that after what he read he can’t stop mentally picturing it. I understand that no one wants to picture their spouse with someone else in a sexual manner. However I feel like if we keep talking about it, we won’t be able to get over it.
> Separate from that issue, he said that over the last year or so he doesn’t feel like I love him anymore. He said that I never innate sex so he thinks I am not attracted to him. I come from a single parent home so I think part of my problem is that I don’t know how to be a wife. And we have a young child that I am very focused on.
> I am willing to do whatever it takes to fix this relationship because I really do love my husband so much and I want this to work. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I have never had to deal with situations like this so I don’t know what to do.


Ok I had a similar issue to this so ill tell you what I would do if I was you. Yes u made a mistake but good thing is it wasn't a deal breaker. I would say that from what you have said ur bigger problem isn't the messaes its ur lack of affection with ur H. Because of this lack of affection ur H sees the messages worse than what they may have been. Simply put he's insecure about ur marriage because u have failed to make him feel special. Good news is its pretty easy to fix this If u truly love your H. If u do love him I would hope that u are extremely attracted to him, if so u must think about him sexually right? If so then when he reaches a point where u and him are back to being affectionate and sexual u need to start acting on those thoughts and prove to him u are into him so to speak. A lot of couples will fall into a rather dull life sexually once kids come along thinking that kids don't need to be exposed to that type of physical contact. I have to strongly disagree with that. Ur kids learn about being affectionate and how to treat there spouses from watching u two interact. Now I'm not saying u need to have porn lkke sex so the kids in the other room hear you but hugging kissing even flirtatious grouping are all good things. You can even sneak in some more adventerous flirting when u know the kids aren't able to see you, u know like approach him in the kitchen while the kids are in the other room and grab his package and say " can't wait to put the kids to bed." 

As far as the trust that is earned through complete transparency. Overtkme oncd ur husband checks up on u and sees ur telling the truth then he will begin to trust again. Don't get mad about his snooping and give everything freely. Last bit of advice is u need to communicate better with ur H, for example if ur on fb and get message from a guy tell him. If ur fantasizing about something tell him, u should tell ur H everything good bad and indifferent. Gl and just love him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> I also was giving the ex advice on his current relationship. I don’t really consider this an affair because we weren’t talking about getting together currently, however my husband feels it was infidelity.


Your H feels this way because it _was _emotional infidelity. Some people don't get this, but having secret, intimate conversations with members of the opposite sex (particularly exes), discussing anything that we wouldn't feel comfortable discussing in front of our partners is cheating.

Until you own this, OP, and let your H know that you realize that what you did was wrong (rather than simply being upset that you upset him), and that you'll never do it again, he's going to have difficulty trusting you.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

cheatinghubby said:


> The only question I have is, why did you keep the message from a year ago? Most people just delete their messages unless you kept it for sentimental reasons?


I suspect that she kept the message for the same reason that my ex kept over 200 pages of sexually explicit email and FB messages on her thumb drive, in addition to printing out hard copies, is that it was there to serve as a reminder of what could've been.

Clearly, she's not attracted to her husband. No wonder he's PO'ed. When you married him, sex was part of the agreement and you haven't been holding up your end of the bargain.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> I suspect that she kept the message for the same reason that my ex kept over 200 pages of sexually explicit email and FB messages on her thumb drive, in addition to printing out hard copies, is that it was there to serve as a reminder of what could've been.
> 
> *Clearly, she's not attracted to her husband. No wonder he's PO'ed. When you married him, sex was part of the agreement and you haven't been holding up your end of the bargain.*




Yup,seems as if she dug a hole ,fell into it and now trying to " dig" her way out..........


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> Yup,seems as if she dug a hole ,fell into it and now trying to " dig" her way out..........


:iagree:

I really think a lot of these cheaters want to be caught because they're too cowardly to tell their spouses how they really feel. So they do stupid shiite like not deleting incriminating FB posts from over a year ago.


----------

