# heartbroken... need help plz



## heartbroken48 (Mar 30, 2009)

Boy...this is going to be tough.... but here goes I am 48 yeras old, been with my wife 18 years, married for 12. we have a 17 year old son together. I have ocd, and anxiety problems since birth. My wife seperated from me last week. She said that she cannot continue a relationship that has no emotionions or affection. and that I need to get help for myself to figure out why I'm not happy, and why I can't show her the things she needs. She told me that she knows I love her. I show her love in unconventional ways... never cheated, always faithfull. I went and saw a therapist last friday, and was completely open and honest with her. she recognized the problem pretty fast. As a child, I was so out of control, a neighborhood menace, due to my ocd, that at that time they had no clue what was the proble. So the only affection i received was at the end of a belt. I was raised in a very strict reliougios home, and cannot recall ever being hugged, or loved. A big light went off. I was never taught how to show emotion, or affection. For many years I used alcohol to suppress these emotional feelings that I simply didn't know what to do with. Come to find out my wife has been planning this seperation for awhile now. From what I can see now, she has fallen for some guy in canada, because he gives her the emotional support that as a normal person needs. Something I've lacked all my life. Here is the letter I just typed for her......

Dear Tina,

I wanted to thank you. thank you for opening my eyes to something I would have never figured out on my own. All my life I have always just wanted to be normal, to have normal thoughts and feelings like everyone else. I could never figure out why. My therapist hit it right on the head. I was never taught as a child, how to go about expressing emotions, happiness, affection. I am sorry however that it took this extreme of a move on your part. I never intentionally meant to hurt you. I love you. This whole weekend all I have been thinking about is you, and how much I miss you. I really hope you go with me on Friday, so Toni can meet you. I truly believe along with her help, and with the great info I've been reading, I can "learn" the things I need to to make you happy, and myself happy, as well those around me. Toni was telling me that I can attain these emotional quality's even though they are things I never learned as a child... that where these are first taught. I get so angry with myself.... what the hell is wrong with me... why can't I show these emotions ? It was seriously just killing me inside.... I want to do those things.... but didn't know how. Well I've done allot of soul searching these past 3 days, and after talking to Toni, it just all clicked. I felt a calm flow over me, because for the first time in my life, I understood WHY it is that I wasn't able to show affection. Now, I need to continue to move forward, and put into practice the things I am now learning. Gonna be hard with you not being here... because it is with you that I need to integrate these things into our lives. That is if you want me to. I know in the past, I have promised things will be different, but I lacked the skills to accomplish that. No matter how much I did want those things to change, I only relied on my own knowledge of what I knew to fix the problems. It is pretty obvious, no matter how hard I tried, I just didn't know how. Its like me saying I am going to ride this bike. I can sit on it, clean it, polish it, take care of it.... but till I ride it...to learn the skills, it doesn't matter how much I want to ride it. Its like my eyes and heart have opened up....now I see what I've been lacking my whole life. I'm just so mad at myself, that it took so long for me to finally get this figured out, and may have lost the only woman I so love in the process. 

Life is hard, and nothing is perfect. We will still continue to have our up and downs, and disagreements. You told me that you know I love you. I do.... and am sorry for not having been taught the emotional skills to show you. I simply am asking for your help, to learn, and integrate these things into our lives, so we can be happy together, with a normal loved filled marriage. I am speaking from my heart, not just putting down words to try and get you back. I am serious about my commitment to you when I said I do 12 years ago. I was completely open and honest with Toni, and I am being the same with you now. I truly want our marriage to be strong, and filled with happiness and joy. 


Written Sunday.... after I found out what's been going on with Robert.

I don't know where to begin, but to beg for your forgiveness for not knowing how to get in touch with feelings, and emotions. I am so so sorry for neglecting you on an emotional basis. I do love whole heartily with all my being. I don't know what to do. I am so emotionally messed up. Oh god please help me.... give me the strength and knowledge to make my wife happy. I felt so good after that visit with the therapist.... I felt hope, my eyes were opened up to what I've been lacking. I am so sorry I was so stubborn for not seeking professional help before. Oh god, please don't give up on us.... I will do anything. I can't stop crying.... I feel like I'm falling apart. My heart is bleeding, my soul crushed. I feel so bad, I didn't willingly mean to hurt us. Please believe me...it's the gods honest truth. Oh please please give me a chance to show you.... I'm begging you from the very depths of my soul. Oh god.... please help me.


and here is the email I sent to this guy shes been communicating with the past month or so..... and she said she wants to marry this guy.....

Dear Robert,



My name is mark, Tina's husband. I don't even know where to begin. I am so upset right now. It is obvious from your conversations with my wife, that you are aware of our situation. We have been together for 18 years now, and I love her with all my very soul and being. I have o.c.d. and anxiety problems since birth. I was raised in a religious very strict and overbearing household. Back in the 60's they had no idea what o.c.d. was. i was completely out of control child, so the only thing my mother knew how to do was beat me and my brother. Spare the rod spoil the child mentality. I have no recollection of ever being hugged and no affection was shown. The end of a belt was the only physical contact I remember. I can't believe I'm telling this to a complete stranger.... but I feel it really needs to be said. I am just now finding all this stuff out, after I went to a therapist last Friday. For most of my adult life, i used alcohol to cover over these inadequacies, and escape my emotions. When I went to see my new therapist, and i opened up to her, and was completely honest with her about my problems, she kind of hit it right on the head. a big light went off, and it clicked. I never was taught as a child, how to show emotions, compassion, and affection. Which carried on into my adult life. I love Tina very much, and through out the years showed her my love in unconventional ways, the only ways I knew how. well of course, any reasonable person of course needed more than that. Love is about affection...etc. It's not that I didn't want to share such emotions, I just didn't know how. Well now I'm paying the price, as you know Tina has separated from me. I fear I may have lost her. 



I stumbled across your email to her.... I know It was completely wrong to snoop. I also saw the e-card she sent you. I can't stop crying. I certainly appreciate you moral values. Not to many people have those qualities in today's world. She has connected with you on levels I could not attain. I plan to everything and anything to win her back. She told me "I know you love me".... but am unable to show it in the normal way loving couples should. Now that my eyes have been opened, and through therapy, I can finally learn the emotional, and affection skills that I never knew how to express. I will not give up on my relationship with my wife, I love her so dearly, and am so tore up inside. I knew something was up, when I reviewed all the minutes used up on our cell phone plan. I couldn't help but see all the calls to you from her. I even asked my son Logan about, he said... no worries they are just friends. Even Tina said there is nothing going on between you and her. We can both attest that is a lie. I don't know you, and am still amazed that I am spilling my guts to you. But I love my wife, and am going to do everything in my being and power to finally show her through affection, and emotion of my true feelings for her. It's like going to school I guess, to learn things I've always felt, but didn't have the knowledge to express them. 



I am asking you, that you cease all communication with Tina. From what you told her in that email...you seem to be a pretty stand-up guy, so you can certainly see where I'm coming from. Even at this point, any communications' with her I feel would not be good. I appreciate your input in regards to my request, and look forward to your reply to this matter.





Sincerely,



Mark



I am sorry this is so long.... I'm just freaking out.... I love her so much.... she will be over tomorrow.... I don't know what to do.... confront her about this realtionship That she lied to me about with robert..... I think I'm going to lose it and break down and beg her for forgiveness, now that I have identified my problem, and with the help of therapy, will learn how to show my emotions, and affection.


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## MrsConfused (Mar 20, 2009)

Kudos to you for getting the help you need from a professional. I'm sure that was not easy, but it seems it was liberating for you! Until we have that 'light bulb' moment, we can not change.

I really don't have advice for you except keep talking to your wife and keep doing what you can do to improve yourself.

I can relate with your situation. My DH has some anxiety issues and I really am hoping he realizes it is an issue (something you have already done) and that he starts finding the life skills needed to cope with his anxiety (again, something you are doing). 

Good luck! I'm hoping your wife will realize that it is better to work on the relationship she has than to go out and start a new one (which will also have issues to deal with after time).


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Your efforts are to be commended. I wish you the very best. This is going to be a tall order winning your wife back--I think you already realize that. At this point I don't think words are the answer; your actions will speak much louder. Please read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Identify your wife's love language, then implement those things. I believe that will give you an edge over the other guy.


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## heartbroken48 (Mar 30, 2009)

Well... it's done. She came over, and I completely broke down, not having slept or eaten for 2 days.... I'm a wreck. I begged her for another chance, apologized about a million times.... damage has already been done. she has completely blocked herseft from me, and gave me no hoope whatsoever that their is a chance for our marriage. Now the depression sets in. I feel angry, sad.... angry at myself for letting this happen. I feel worthless, don't even want to live anymore. She did still agree to go to the therapy appt this friday.... alot of good that will do.... she pretty much has told be where she stands.... and lied on top of all this about this other guy.... been having an emotional affair with him... which is worse in my book. screw it... mind as well accept what a failure I am


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

no, you are not a failure. Dont' think like this. It's not the end of the world. Do you truly want a woman that would lie to you anyway? 

Go to the counseling appt.... tell them how you are feeling.

If it is over, then nothing you can about it, just move on.

Either way, stay strong, and don't htink that you didn't try, or that your trying was worthless. It wasn't. And even if you don't stay with her, think about what you've accomplised in terms of bettering yourself.

That is worth a whole lot. maybe this is how it was supposed to go? Everything in life happens for a reason, and there's a plan for all of us. I truly believe this.


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## amigo21 (Apr 2, 2009)

Dont give up. Continue your counselling. She will definitely realise your efforts to make this relationship work. If she could stand by you for 18 years when u dint even try to change, she will definitely see these efforts of yours...

All the Best


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## heartbroken48 (Mar 30, 2009)

Thank you all for such great encouragement and advice. I am certainly in a better frame of mind. Almost had a nervous breakdown. I got the audio book by gary chapman, that so many here suggest. Its awesome.... really opened my eyes to what I've done wrong all these years. Mt wife came by... I sem to see her at least once a day... she comes by to see out 17 year old son. We have had some good conversations. I now realize that my personal growth is #1. She has seen a change... but still told be straight out, she doesn't think, or for right now, that she can ever love me again, or be back with me. The hurt was too deep, and now she seems to be in survivor mode, protecting herself... Can't say I blame her one bit. Today is our first counseling appt. Will see how that goes. I gave her a copy of 5 love languages, I hope that was the right thing to do. I have been doing so much research and reading on what it is I need to do.... it's just so hard not to be able to implement these things with her. I have come to the realization its gonna take time... alot of time. But I must stay on track... which is so new for me. so hard not to get depressed, realizing we may never be together. Thank you al for listening. It feels good to get some of this stuff off my chest. I have been a loner all my life, never sharing any emotions with noone.


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## heartbroken48 (Mar 30, 2009)

Just got back from therapist......... pretty much what I was dreading... marriage is done...no chance whatsoever of us getting back together... damage has been done


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## heartbroken48 (Mar 30, 2009)

man i feel pissed. I don't know... first time ever at marriage counseling. This was my 2nd visit.... first time there with my wife. I guess I have a problem expressing emotions. For the past week I've been reading things like crazy... self improvement, 5 languages of love.... no need for that anymore.... she ain't a coming back.... therapist told me I'm doing it all wrong. books and knowledge won't help me... I need to interact with people. wtf all this stuff I've been digesting... and was really helping...probably because I thought there was still a chance to get back with my wife eventually. I have no friends... a loner... guess thats the core of my problems.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

hey dont beat yourself up. ive been to therapist all my life. they dont know anything. its your life. if you were doing things that were making you feel good and helping you, then keep doing it. remember how you felt. You felt better. You've got to keep doing what you were doing. Maybe you do need to get out and socialize. But if stressing about that is going to make you feel depressed and defeated, then its not the time. Youve got to focus on what was helping, not on what makes you feel defeated. Do what makes you feel good with your self, at peace with yourself. Keep doing what you were doing, but have a goal to eventually make some friends, if that is what you want. Dont let that therapist discourage you. They dont live in your mind and your heart. They have no idea how to help you in the process of healing. They can only give you the bottom line, and what they were trained to say.


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## heartbroken48 (Mar 30, 2009)

Makes sense... definantly. I'm not really sure if I will continue my sessions... since I will be just me, and at this point I don't see her supporting my program to better myself. I'm just trying to stave off depression right now. It is just so hard to admitt after 18 years its over. Man this sucks.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

what happened in the therapy with your wife? did she say its definitely over?


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## heartbroken48 (Mar 30, 2009)

yup... completely over... has given me too many chances in the past... so I asked no matter what... even if I change into the perfect man, and provide and meet all her needs down the road.... she said no.... therapist just fed on that... "shes telling you its over mark" was her statement. The therapist didn't even explore or question my wifes views about our marriage. But my wife is pretty adament. I have to move on.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

if she was so adamant that it is over, i find it strange that she went to counseling with you. im really sorry that your session went so poorly. my H had a counselor that just about caused us to divorce. is she still living with you? has she asked you to leave?


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## heartbroken48 (Mar 30, 2009)

I think she went 1st I asked her to go 2nd. I guess she wanted to let her feelings be known in a mediated situation. i still live in our house with our 17 year old son.... she moved out 3 weeks ago... with no real residence... she is currently staying with my dad.


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## amigo21 (Apr 2, 2009)

therapists only make statements based on how much input you have given them. you surely cant explain 18 years of your life and your feelings for each other - to somebody in just 1 sitting. you cant let a therapist decide your life for you.

you try all that you want to try. after all, you know ur wife better. u know what she wanted from u.

may be u can try have a real "heart-to-heart" talk with her once. make a list a of all that u want to tell her and sit with her and have a talk. it may work, it may not. atleast at the end of the day, u will have a satisfaction that u tried your best and u wont regret in future that u dint say a particular thing to a person who shared 18 years of ur life with u. also, she will also say somethings atleast that she has had in her mind till now.

trust me, such a talk will definitely help - both ways... it will make all ur future plans easier for u...


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## heartbroken48 (Mar 30, 2009)

Well... I had my heart to heart with her today. i took full responsibility for the break-up, and for the first time expressed my emotions to her. I told her I feel lonely,sad,depressed,confused,empty,hurt and pain. I want to feel...happy,content,positive,empathetic,closeness, and love. I told her I understand her feelings, and apologized that I hurt her. she told me those are all the feelings she had with me for years, being ignored, like a roommate relationship. man, I totally agree... she was feeling the things I'm feeling now for years...kinda of like how does it feel for you to be on the other end.... I asked for her forgiveness.... and asked for a chance to SHOW her through actions, that I can fulfill her emotional needs. She's not sure she told me. She was so hurt for so long, shes not sure she can open back up to me...for fear I might go right back to my same old ways... she doesn't want to be hurt again. 

I asked her ...after we were done talking... for a hug... she said yes... but only as friends hug.... damn.

Come to find out she is traveling next week to frickin canada... to meet this guy she has been having an emotional affair with. I don't know what to do at this point.... all I can do is keep on this path to emotional discovery, and continue to better myself...so she will hopefully see I have changed...and will be the man for her. At least communcations ... something we don't have a problem with...are still there... I just think she has completely blocked me out emotionally... so she won't feel the pain. 

I have to put myself in her shoes.... would I forgive, and get back together if she ignored me emotionally, and sexually for that long of a time. I am really taking time for self discovery... what the hell I did wrong.... why I can understand emotions.... its really opened up it seems like part of my brain that was dead my whole life. I just feel that maybe its too late to heal the damage from my neglect. I feel if she goes out there to canada.... its gonna put the final nail in my coffin.


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## workinprogress (Apr 11, 2009)

i feel your pain. sounds like you are in a place i was 6 months ago. keep working on yourself. give her the time and distance and let go of what is out of your control. 

excercise self control in whatever contact you have with her. show her by actions and not words or intentions. find a good cousellor, pastor, friend that can hold you accountable. the key is not to react but to respond appropriately.

right now you might need to be mr perfect in order to allow her to even think about fixing things. i can tell you from my experience that is impossible. until there is 100% willingness on both parties to reconcile keep distance, self control, your son and most importantly yourself the priority, not the relationship.

i still struggle but life is getting better. it helps when we take this time to look back and see where we have fallen short. when we start to get our head around the reality we understand why we said or did such things. ironically we also learn more about our partners issues or flaws that we were unable to discuss intimately about as well.

growth is what is important right now. my prayers are with your family.


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## heartbroken48 (Mar 30, 2009)

TY workinprogress. She is going to canada this friday... to see this guy. I can only expect the worst to happen. Nothing I can do to change that. Shes gonna do what shes gonna do, no matter what I do or say. My gut feelings tell me its over... she has blocked out all emotional ties to me, self protection mode... and is focusing on this other guy.... still calls him daily, he provides the emotional support I lacked.... and I'm afraid she has fallen for him. I am still so jacked up emotionally... at a crossroads...should I just accept the fact its over and move on... or continue to try and get her back. This really sucks... I can't stop thinking about it.... her being with another guy.I have read so much... and I know what I should be doing to better myself.... for myself ,not her. Its just so damn hard... its all I think about. The wound still seems so fresh, its been a month since her moved out. I find it so difficult to see her... all these emotions flood back... we communicate very well... but when it comes down to us... she just still tells me shes not sure, doesn't want to be hurt again... not sure she can trust me to follow through, because she has given me that chance before and I blew it. Oh what to do....what to do...........


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Im so sorry heartbroken. I really feel for you. if she's going to canada to meet some other guy, then i think its time for you to really focus on healing for yourself, for your own life. be grateful that your eyes are open now because if you continue to heal you will find someone to be happy with. life is just a process of learning, and its often painful. You may want to read about the grieving process. 

Remember that your wife is not part of you. You're wife is leaving, but you are OK. You are separate from her and any discomfort you feel is an emptiness that her presence was only covering. You are becoming fully aware of yourself in her absence. Heal yourself and you will see that you have a lot to add to the world, all by yourself. This isnt the end for you, its just your beginning.


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## heartbroken48 (Mar 30, 2009)

awesome words of wisdom blanca. I even printed them out for my fridge.... tyvm. yesterday I have finally made my decision.. not going to attempt anymore to get back with her. I started the list of postivies and negatives.... I could not believe I had not 1 thing to write on the postivie side.That pretty much sealed it... being honest. She has been cheating on me for 2 months.... emotional affair... so shes wrapped with this guy. I feel a great weight has been lifted off me.... now I can focus on positive things... and leave this behind me.... easier said than done.... I'm sure the road will throw me some curves and bumps... but thats to be expected. Will keep this updated as things progress.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Hang in there HB48...

it does get better friend and it gets easier... When i was at your point in this it was hard to see but now that I am farther along and really see my stbxw for the person she is I am thankfull that she decided to end our marriage... Her family has told me many times how much happier i will be when this is all over.... Dont get me wrong there are days that I miss her more than anything but when you have marriages as long as ours its to be expected... Take it one day at a time... When the memories and thoughts turn to her think of something else... think of how you deserve to be loved and cherished like you feel for your stbxw.... One day you will be happy again and chance are so will your stbxw get used to that thought accept it and know better days are ahead....

best wishes HB48........

Skin.........


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Please stick with the counseling. It can really, really help, and you will have a lot of emotions and confusion in the next few weeks and months. Counseling will help you learn about yourself, and that's an amazing thing. You may find yourself looking for another relationship some day, and you don't want to repeat the same mistakes, so explore yourself now, learn to feel good about yourself now. This does not mean your life is over; it will, hopefully, help you find REAL happiness, the kind that comes when you learn to be emotionally more vulnerable. It sounds like you will need the support to rebuild your self-esteem, too, so keep seeing a professional and try someone new if you don't sense any progress after several weeks. Hang in there. You've come through the worst, it sounds like, but to get fully out of the sadness will take more hard work.


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Sorry for what you are going thru and I feel the same way you do now. Sixteen years for me. I have just started posting on here and like your name says.....heartbroken. It cuts like a knife when you are being cheated on. My husband left on April 2 so my sitch is pretty new. Not sure I can offer much advice but the folks on here seem to offer good advice and are supportive. Just wanted to say hello and know that you are not alone.


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## heartbroken48 (Mar 30, 2009)

Thank you all for you awesome input and support !!! I have found a very cool website... hope it's not against forum policies to say... Self Help Programs from Tools To Life Coaching & Motivation Support Groups

This has given me a place to daily work on myself...have something to look foward to... a BIG step in the right direction... I encourage you to check it out.


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