# Should it have been my responsibility to get my husband up for work?



## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

My husband has a very nasty habit of overusing his FMLA when he just doesn't want to go into work. Lately it has been bad and he's not gone into work 8 days in the past 3 weeks (took the full week off last week!) and has used up all his FMLA for the month. Of course he used up vacation and sick time months ago. So he's not getting paid for any of the days he takes off which makes for a basically non-existant paycheck.

Well last night I went to bed at about 9PM. He said he was going to finish his drink and shut down his computer and then he'd be in. Well I wake up about 11PM and he still hasn't come to bed. I lay awake for about an hour and think about going into the computer room to ask what he's doing but he gets so annoyed when I do that and always goes "Yes I'll be going to work tomorrow just let me finish this game and I'll come to bed." So I turned on the light and started reading. I assumed at this point he had decided that he wasn't going to be going into work. He comes to bed finally at almost 1AM when he told me he'd be in shortly after 9! He had obviously had much more to drink after I went to bed and was noticeably tipsy. He sets his alarm for the usual 3:30. Well I knew 2 1/2 hours of sleep was not going to cut it. The alarm goes off at 3:30 and he hits snooze....again and again and again. He hits it every 10 minutes until 4:45 and then sits up like a shot in bed and goes "It's almost 5? How did I miss all those other alarms?" Um... you've been hitting the alarm for the past hour. He gets up and gets partially dressed and then realizes he's not going to make it in on time. I don't understand how being 15 minutes late is going to be a huge blow against him compared to taking an entire day off. He goes "Well I'm screwed. I don't have anymore FMLA days this month to use. I'll have to get a doctor's note." That's his last resort when he needs a day off and has no more days left.

Now I am just waiting for him to get up and blame me for not getting him up for work when I was awake the whole time. Well I assumed by coming to bed way late and hitting the alarm every time it went off that he was going to sleep in or just not go to work. It is NOT my responsibility to get a 45 year old man up for work! Whenever I do try to get him up, when he specifically tells me to make sure he gets up in the morning, those are the mornings he still doesn't go in so why should I bother. I can't keep worrying about him going to bed on time and waking up on time. It's too stressful for me. I certainly would never blame him if I overslept!


----------



## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

I don't think it's your responsibility to wake him up. That's what the alarm is for, and he made the choice to hit snooze repeatedly, and he chose to stay up very late. You are not a mind reader - how are you supposed to know which days he decides to sleep in or stay home? 

I can't relate to just choosing not to go in to work or sleeping in. How does he manage to stay employed?


----------



## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

You have more problems than him not getting up. Do you have a job, can you take care of yourself if you need to?

Sounds like hubby has never grown up. He drinks too much, plays video games and is irresponsible. Has he always been this way? How long have you been married?


----------



## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

Leahdorus said:


> I don't think it's your responsibility to wake him up. That's what the alarm is for, and he made the choice to hit snooze repeatedly, and he chose to stay up very late. You are not a mind reader - how are you supposed to know which days he decides to sleep in or stay home?
> 
> I can't relate to just choosing not to go in to work or sleeping in. How does he manage to stay employed?


He's in a union job so it is nearly impossible to get fired. I just don't know how he can show his face at work after taking an entire week off without pay!


----------



## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

JustHer said:


> You have more problems than him not getting up. Do you have a job, can you take care of yourself if you need to?
> 
> Sounds like hubby has never grown up. He drinks too much, plays video games and is irresponsible. Has he always been this way? How long have you been married?


I work from home and work has been slow but have quite a bit of savings. Well HAD quite a bit of savings until he pulled too much of this crap. He can't pay his share of rent or bills lately and I am paying for EVERYTHING. 

He's always played video games but never pulled this not working stuff until FMLA was introduced. Now there's hardly a paycheck where he doesn't have at least one unpaid day on it. He's highly unmotivated to do much of anything. We've been married almost 3 years and together almost 9 years so it's my own fault for still marrying the guy knowing he's like this.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Mapper said:


> I work from home and work has been slow but have quite a bit of savings. Well HAD quite a bit of savings until he pulled too much of this crap. He can't pay his share of rent or bills lately and I am paying for EVERYTHING.
> 
> He's always played video games but never pulled this not working stuff until FMLA was introduced. Now there's hardly a paycheck where he doesn't have at least one unpaid day on it. He's highly unmotivated to do much of anything. We've been married almost 3 years and together almost 9 years so it's my own fault for still marrying the guy knowing he's like this.



So he takes off for gaming and drinking? How nice. You have a real problem on your hands.

No it's not your responsibility to make sure he gets up for work. He has a lot of nerve to blame you for not getting up.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I would agree you're not responsible for him going to bed or getting up in the morning. And I share the confusion over how he can hold a job. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He likes to drink and game rather than work. Doesn't sound like a great future.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Openminded said:


> He likes to drink and game rather than work. Doesn't sound like a great future.


Actually, it sounds like a great future. For him... I'd love to be able to work just on the days I feel like. Unfortunately, I have responsibilities that I take seriously. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Do you have any kids? If not, you may need to play for keeps here. You need to insist that he start taking his responsibilities seriously, and if he doesn't then you are gone. So does he ignore you at home a lot in favor of his video games? Are you building resentment? I sense that you 1) feel neglected, 2) are losing respect for him as a lover and 3) he is low on the desirability scale (losing sexual attraction). You are traveling down the path to having an affair. I hope you never consider it, but this is how a large number of affairs begin. Please make sure you react appropriately to him and not bottle up your emotions and simply shut down in front of him. IMHO, you are in potentially dangerous territory.


----------



## Leasel (Mar 30, 2013)

First of all, you're right - it's NOT your responsibility to wake him up and make sure he gets to work. He's an adult and he should be able to do that himself.

That being said, do you think he might be depressed or something? I know I've acted similarly when I was depressed (although I was a teenager when it happened) and I would pretend to be sick and call off work just because I was feeling too exhausted from lack of sleep. Maybe if he goes to therapy/counseling he could get some help, although it sounds like he's probably not going to admit that he has a problem, and you won't convince him to get help for a problem he doesn't think he has.

Try to make him realize what an impact his actions are making on you. If you can make him realize that this is a serious issue, he may also realize that he needs to act to fix it. If not, you need to worry about yourself, and keep yourself from getting dragged down with him.


----------



## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

Leasel said:


> First of all, you're right - it's NOT your responsibility to wake him up and make sure he gets to work. He's an adult and he should be able to do that himself.
> 
> That being said, do you think he might be depressed or something? I know I've acted similarly when I was depressed (although I was a teenager when it happened) and I would pretend to be sick and call off work just because I was feeling too exhausted from lack of sleep. Maybe if he goes to therapy/counseling he could get some help, although it sounds like he's probably not going to admit that he has a problem, and you won't convince him to get help for a problem he doesn't think he has.
> 
> Try to make him realize what an impact his actions are making on you. If you can make him realize that this is a serious issue, he may also realize that he needs to act to fix it. If not, you need to worry about yourself, and keep yourself from getting dragged down with him.


I think he's got ADHD and he's also been stressed out about his child support being raised and he's got collections after him for bills and he was extremely stressed at work. He basically just seems to want to ignore all that and be in his video game world.

I doubt that he would do therapy because he doesn't see there being anything wrong other than bad choices of staying up too late, having too much to drink and swears he won't do it again but always does.


----------



## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Do you have any kids? If not, you may need to play for keeps here. You need to insist that he start taking his responsibilities seriously, and if he doesn't then you are gone. So does he ignore you at home a lot in favor of his video games? Are you building resentment? I sense that you 1) feel neglected, 2) are losing respect for him as a lover and 3) he is low on the desirability scale (losing sexual attraction). You are traveling down the path to having an affair. I hope you never consider it, but this is how a large number of affairs begin. Please make sure you react appropriately to him and not bottle up your emotions and simply shut down in front of him. IMHO, you are in potentially dangerous territory.


I would never cheat on him no matter what. I think that is despicable. Yes I do feel neglected due to the enormous time video gaming. If he put as much energy into doing anything else (paying bills, working, helping around the house) we'd be in much better shape. But he's got to play "just one more game" which turns into 2 or 3 or 4 and before you know it, 3 hours have gone by. Dinner has been delayed, plans have been put on hold until he finishes.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Mapper said:


> I would never cheat on him no matter what. I think that is despicable. Yes I do feel neglected due to the enormous time video gaming. If he put as much energy into doing anything else (paying bills, working, helping around the house) we'd be in much better shape. But he's got to play "just one more game" which turns into 2 or 3 or 4 and before you know it, 3 hours have gone by. Dinner has been delayed, plans have been put on hold until he finishes.


What positives are you getting out of all of this?


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

What's he on FMLA for? My employer allows 60 days a year. He obviously is abusing it.
Totally not your responsibility to wake him up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

richie33 said:


> What's he on FMLA for? My employer allows 60 days a year. He obviously is abusing it.
> Totally not your responsibility to wake him up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


FMLA for a back injury he had about 15 years ago. Granted his back still gives him problems, but he sits at a desk all day for work. He sits at his desk all day playing video games but doesn't need FMLA for that! And yes, 99% of the time it is used simply because he doesn't want to go into work not because of any pain he has..


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Mapper said:


> I think he's got ADHD and he's also been stressed out about his child support being raised and he's got collections after him for bills and he was extremely stressed at work. He basically just seems to want to ignore all that and be in his video game world.
> 
> I doubt that he would do therapy because he doesn't see there being anything wrong other than bad choices of staying up too late, having too much to drink and swears he won't do it again but always does.


So he's stressed about finances, and his coping mechanism is to take unpaid days off work... I think it might be time for some boundaries to be laid out. Otherwise you're just enabling his problems. Just my $0.02, and I realize it wasn't your original question. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I am union guy myself. We have a couple of guys who abuse FMLA. I can't understand when pay day comes and there is no money there. Plus you still owe union dues, retirement, medical,etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Mapper said:


> He sets his alarm for the usual 3:30. Well I knew 2 1/2 hours of sleep was not going to cut it. The alarm goes off at 3:30 and he hits snooze....again and again and again.


He gets up for work at 330? That's one of his problems right there. That's a hell of an hour for anyone to get up, even if they actually do go to bed at 9.


----------



## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

PBear said:


> So he's stressed about finances, and his coping mechanism is to take unpaid days off work... I think it might be time for some boundaries to be laid out. Otherwise you're just enabling his problems. Just my $0.02, and I realize it wasn't your original question.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah exactly! He's stressed about not having any money so why not take a week off of work! But then I go off on him about that and he says work is stressing him out too much so he can't go in and I should totally be sympathetic to all his problems. YOU are causing every single one of your problems. No money because of not working. Bills in collection because you aren't working or feel no need to pay them when you get them.


----------



## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

richie33 said:


> I am union guy myself. We have a couple of guys who abuse FMLA. I can't understand when pay day comes and there is no money there. Plus you still owe union dues, retirement, medical,etc.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


EXACTLY! Each check he's got $270 in child support taken out, $130 on a loan he is repaying, $65 in union dues and miscellaneous in food deduction because he can't be bothered to bring his lunch. Right there is $465 missing every check not to mention soc. sec. and taxes. I kid you not his next check will probably be about $25!


----------



## ManUp (Nov 25, 2012)

Any kids? Any reason why you would stick around for this bs?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

ManUp said:


> Any kids? Any reason why you would stick around for this bs?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No kids. I stick around because I went to the trouble to marry him and I don't want to go thru a divorce. Call it complacency. There's always hope something will click in his brain and he'll turn it all around.


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Problem is he has a built in excuse not to go to work. When Clinton created FMLA it was a good idea. But know there are people who take advantage of it. I have been on FMLA for the past 3 years. I have taken 2 days. Both I used vacation days to cover it.
Taking no paid days would have to be a major emergency.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Mapper said:


> No kids. I stick around because I went to the trouble to marry him and I don't want to go thru a divorce. Call it complacency. There's always hope something will click in his brain and he'll turn it all around.


Or it won't. And then what? Are you prepared to waste the rest of your life? Because that's a possibility.


----------



## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

Openminded said:


> Or it won't. And then what? Are you prepared to waste the rest of your life? Because that's a possibility.


Probably. I took for better or worse vows and I'm not going to be another one of those people who disregards those vows..


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Mapper said:


> Probably. I took for better or worse vows and I'm not going to be another one of those people who disregards those vows..


So, this thread is about if you're right and he's wrong? Ok you're right. Now what?

He's not stopping. You're not going to offer consequences for stopping. So now what?


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

There are no consequences for his behavior and you have no intention of leaving him. Where does that leave you?


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Mapper said:


> Probably. I took for better or worse vows and I'm not going to be another one of those people who disregards those vows..


Okay. We've agreed you shouldn't be waking him up. Now what?


----------



## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

he wants a substitute mummy who won't make him go to school when he doesn't feel like it. No it's not your responsibility to get him out of bed but it IS your responsibility to make sure you aren't left destitute. Are you really just going to let this slide?

God my ex was a loser but at least he worked at whatever job he could


----------



## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

" I took for better or worse vows and I'm not going to be another one of those people who disregards those vows.. "

A good message to put on you tomb stone...


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Or to tell the bankruptcy lawyers. Or the bank when you go to apply for a mortgage and your credit is trashed. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

OP, I'm sure with your income and support no matter what securely in place, this will go on until the end of time.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Mapper said:


> Probably. I took for better or worse vows and I'm not going to be another one of those people who disregards those vows..


The vows "For better or worse" are for those cases where the two of you have committed to working as a marital team and are taking the world on together. Meaning, life is giving you curve balls yet the two of you are still keeping your heads down and working through the problems instead of just leaving. This is not one of those times, unless he is addicted to video games. Then in that case, he needs to go to a 12 step program or find another way to eliminate this addiction in his life. If he is not really addicted to the games and he's just lazy, then that is an entirely different situation. It's not a marriage when there is only one person working at it.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Maybe your husband is depressed. Try to have a chat with him about that.

In answer to your opening question, I disabuse myself of all other's responsibilities.

My exH used to tell me that he "forgot" easily and I needed to remind him. And now we're divorced.

In a work situation as well as personal situations, I find that people can do that "can you remind me........" Intersting how other people enjoy offloading responsibility.


----------



## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

This reminds me so much of something that happened between my husband and I when we first got together.

My husband has never been much of a drinker, but for a short period of time he WAS depressed, and he used to play video games for hours every single day after he'd get off work. He'd usually work 10-12 hours a day, and by the time he got home, he would only have maybe a few hours at the most until he had to go to bed. He literally would spend every second of his free time playing video games... sometimes even going into work tired the next day because he stayed up until 3 AM playing games.

Before I married him, there was a short period of time when my husband and I were staying at his mom's house... Well, one night in particular, my husband got off from work, went straight to his mom's computer and started playing games. Just like every other night, I was laying in bed waiting for him to come lay next to me. I waited and waited... until finally he came to bed. I cant remember all the details but if I'm not mistaken, I think he asked me to set his alarm on his phone for him... I can't remember if I forgot to, or if I did but I didn't do it the right way because I had never set his alarm before and wasn't familiar with how to do it. I think I thought I had set it but the next morning, for some reason it didn't go off. 

We both went to bed and the next thing I remember was waking up to him saying something like "I told you to set my alarm! Now Im late!". He went speeding off in his car, and as he drove away, his mom came in and started getting onto me about it... saying "You've got to make sure he starts getting up on time!".

I was thinking to myself, really? I need to make sure that a 29 year old man gets up on time? If hes responsible enough to have a job, he should be responsible enough to make sure that he goes to bed on time and gets himself out of bed. 

I might have messed up by not setting his alarm the right way, but he knew I had never set his alarm before... if getting up on time was that much of a priority to him, he should have checked his phone to double check that it was set... and if would have pulled himself away from the computer games, and hadn't have gone to bed so late in the first place, he probably wouldnt have even overslept. So in the end, it was still his responsibility... not mine. 
You can't stay up all night, tell someone to set your alarm for you, go to sleep without thinking a thing about it, and then blame it all on THEM when your alarm doesn't go off and your late for work.

Whether you were awake or not, the point is its noones fault that he didn't get up on time but his own... he was the one that chose to stay up until 1 AM. 

It really does sound like he is depressed.... I'd have him go to a doctor. When all my husband wanted to do was stay up and play video games, he found out he was depressed. He was on medication for it for a period of time, and now hes fine. Have him see a doctor.


----------



## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

For your husband’s on good you need to "pull the plug" on his excessive gaming.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Mapper re: her husband: I should totally be sympathetic to all his problems. YOU are causing every single one of your problems.





> Mapper re: herself: I stick around because I went to the trouble to marry him and I don't want to go thru a divorce. Call it complacency.


Me re: Mapper: Your candor is refreshing; the irony is delicious!


----------



## jessie5 (Jul 18, 2014)

it sounds like to me he is addicted to video games, and i wonder if he didnt have the gaming would he still be not going to work, also when he does stay home from work, what does he do.


----------



## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Oooo, I've seen this story before. And I don't even think you're giving us ALL the details. A back injury, huh? By chance in a "pain management" program?


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Look at the posting dates, anyone?


----------

