# Suspect an affair but, not sure what to do?



## Buckeye45 (Nov 21, 2014)

Hi - I suspect my wife is having an affair or, doing something inappropriate. We have had problems over our 20 years but, have seemed to work through them. She had an affair that lasted about 10 months several years ago but, I have not suspected anything since then. Here is the short version: She works 2nd shift and her shift ends at 11:00 pm. She frequently goes out for a few drinks after work and sometimes doesnt get home until the early morning hours or next day. She tells me she is with one of her girlfriends but, I have no way of knowing. I have stressed that if she is drinking to stay with her girl friend and not to get behind the wheel. I dont see her text messages or ask to see them. I do pay the bills and noticed a phone number that gets alot of activity on her mobile phone. The number belongs to a male friend of hers. She never mentions speaking to this person to me but, I can see they spend alot of time on the phone. Many short calls right around the time she gets off work. I called a private investigator this morning just to get some information on how the process works and the cost involved. PI's are very costly and I hate to spend that kind of money. 

My question to you all: Is it worth spending $1,000+ to get tangible evidence? We are not wealthy but, I could swing the cost if necessary. I have not confronted my wife with any of my suspicions...The mature thing to do would be to ask her point blank I suppose but, I dont believe she would be honest. 

Thanks for any help or suggestions.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

It definitely seems she's having an affair. Before spending the money on a P.I. can you have a friend follow her after work as she's "having drinks with her girlfriends?"


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Buckeye45 said:


> Hi - I suspect my wife is having an affair or, doing something inappropriate. We have had problems over our 20 years but, have seemed to work through them. She had an affair that lasted about 10 months several years ago but, I have not suspected anything since then. Here is the short version: She works 2nd shift and her shift ends at 11:00 pm. She frequently goes out for a few drinks after work and sometimes doesnt get home until the early morning hours or next day. She tells me she is with one of her girlfriends but, I have no way of knowing. I have stressed that if she is drinking to stay with her girl friend and not to get behind the wheel. I dont see her text messages or ask to see them. I do pay the bills and noticed a phone number that gets alot of activity on her mobile phone. The number belongs to a male friend of hers. She never mentions speaking to this person to me but, I can see they spend alot of time on the phone. Many short calls right around the time she gets off work. I called a private investigator this morning just to get some information on how the process works and the cost involved. PI's are very costly and I hate to spend that kind of money.
> 
> My question to you all: Is it worth spending $1,000+ to get tangible evidence? We are not wealthy but, I could swing the cost if necessary. I have not confronted my wife with any of my suspicions...The mature thing to do would be to ask her point blank I suppose but, I dont believe she would be honest.
> 
> Thanks for any help or suggestions.


Buckeye, read this thread...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## Buckeye45 (Nov 21, 2014)

I thought about that but, the few friends I would trust to do this would tip her off if she saw them. I cant follow her myself as we have young teenagers at home and I dont want to leave them alone in the evening or, have them explain to my wife that I left for a few hours and a neighbor was there watching them. Thank you for your reply.


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## Buckeye45 (Nov 21, 2014)

Thank you Gus. Alot to absorb but, the VAR is a good idea.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Rent a car (so she doesn't recognize you) and follow her. It sounds suspicious to me, either she is seeing some or has a drinking problem, either way she shouldn't out all night.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Nobody just goes out for drinks after work until the next day. Even 'till early morning implies 4-5 hours of drinking with her gal pals. No way. Do have her followed somehow. Rental car was a good idea. VARS as well, especially if they go in her car.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I agree with Gus, I think the VAR should be your first step, especially since it sounds like she probably speaks with him/makes plans with him (or even others about him) via her phone very soon after getting off of work, likely from within her car. I think if anything fishy is going on, that has a great chance of finding out.

2nd, yeah if you have a friend that you can trust in some form (and probably chip in a few bucks in appreciation), he could probably serve as an amateur PI to some degree at a fraction of the cost.


I agree that this all sounds very, very fishy. A few thoughts:

How often does she not get home shortly after her shift? (Basically, how often is she "going out for drinks" or "hanging out with her girlsfriends, etc.) 

Another thing you might check... is her physical condition when she gets home, including possibly her underwear. Maybe if she smells funny when she gets home. Does she take a shower immediately after getting home? Before coming to bed? (Has she always done so, or is that a more recent change of habit for her?)

Regarding her last affair, how did that happen? Was it with a co-worker? Did it involve any of the same type of evidence you are seeing now? How was the affair treated after it was discovered? (Like did you kick her out, did you both attend MC for a long time, did you determine a cause and work out a plan to avoid that again, was it mostly swept under the rug or did it become public? Etc.)


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## Borntohang (Sep 4, 2014)

Weightlifter where are you?


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Not sure your location but I see you referenced 20+ years so I can assume you hope to duck Alimony payments. Yes?

Not sure where you are but before putting in money and effort on this rabbit how, have you spoken with a lawyer or checked Google Scholar to see if proof of an affair will actually benefit your case in your specific location?


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## Buckeye45 (Nov 21, 2014)

Thanks for all the feedback and suggestions. The VAR sounds like a good approach. Most of her phone conversations do take place in her car. With respect to the frequency that she is out late - It happens several (3 or 4) times per week. Sometimes on her days off she goes out with her friends and is out late as well. She often gets drunk which, I know is another set of problems. I have not really thought about alimony and have not consulted with an attorney. The last affair was with a former boyfriend from 20+ years ago. The re-connected on the internet and I found out about it when she left her email up one day. This current situation is with another person I believe.

I know I sound naive and I guess I am to some extent. I really never expected or prepared for this. I appreciate all the feedback


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Buckeye45 said:


> Thanks for all the feedback and suggestions. The VAR sounds like a good approach. Most of her phone conversations do take place in her car. With respect to the frequency that she is out late - It happens several (3 or 4) times per week. Sometimes on her days off she goes out with her friends and is out late as well. She often gets drunk which, I know is another set of problems. I have not really thought about alimony and have not consulted with an attorney. The last affair was with a former boyfriend from 20+ years ago. The re-connected on the internet and I found out about it when she left her email up one day. This current situation is with another person I believe.
> 
> I know I sound naive and I guess I am to some extent. I really never expected or prepared for this. I appreciate all the feedback


I think I might approach the situation from the excessive drinking/partying standpoint. It IS excessive and you have every right to be OK with it, even if she is telling the truth about it being with girlfriends, which I doubt. Do you have any clue who these supposed girlfriends are? Do they also have families they leave behind while they are allegedly out partying all night? 

Would there ever be a night that all of your teens would be out of the house for sleepovers or something so that you could sneak away to follow her without being caught?


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

This looks bad, you probably need proof to get the courage to bail, married women should not be out for the night 3x per week. That is crazy.

Heck, you may as well find out where she is and just walk in, unplanned and unannounced. "by chance". that will tell you all you need to know. Or use the find my phone app.


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## Buckeye45 (Nov 21, 2014)

I know who the ladies are she says she is spending time with. All 10-15 years younger and all single. I thought it was a mid-life crisis type of event but, it seemed to escalate. The partying has been going on since October and it wasnt until recently I began to suspect an affair. I know where she hangs out as I see the bar bills on my debit card statement. 

I understand how obvious the situation looks and I appreciate that nobody has called me a "fool" (or worse). I suppose many of you have been in the situation before and can relate. It's a tough thing to come to grips with.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

OK, well if you see the bar bills at least you know she's there, right? And not at a hotel or some guy's apartment? I guess it is possible she's telling the truth, but it is still highly inappropriate behavior even if that IS what she is doing!


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## JFK1965 (Jan 23, 2015)

You call the bar that she goes to, this actually happened by the way when I was a bartender, you ask the bartender if he sees a women in the bar matching your wife's description, you then say that you have to speak to the guy she is with immediately, that it is life or death.

You'll get your answer really quickly.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Yep, get the VAR.

Typically I'm not a fan of "snooping" on someone unless you're certain you have discovered destructive behaviors of some kind, but I think her excessive drinking/partying qualifies all by itself. So I'd also suggest keeping an eye on that cell phone bill, maybe even try to access her e-mail or facebook accounts as well. Even if she's not cheating in some way, you could always defend this as your having good reason to suspect her due to her other behavior.

Just don't tip her off that you are suspecting anything, or let her know what you are doing of course. If she is up to anything, she'll just get defensive and go further underground.


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