# I'm a stupid man, can someone interpret?



## phfan_1 (Mar 20, 2009)

OK, I'll try and make a long story as short as possible. We've been married for 20 years, together for 25. Typical relationship, we've had our ups and downs, for the most part, a good marriage. Two kids, 14 and 16. Very active kids, I might add, which keeps my wife and I on the run. Also great sex life, until about 3 years ago, I'll start there.

Between 3-4 years ago, a couple of issues started raising their head. I was diagnosed with high blood pressure, and I'm a little overweight. Given my family history of heart disease, my doctor was fairly aggressive in finding medication to deal with the hypertension. Not knowing myself at the time, the meds I eventually ended up on, had some side effects, least of which is my libido and ability to perform. Over the course of time, I really lost a lot of interest in sex. When I said I lost my ability to perform, I can still get and maintain erections, it's just not like it was prior to going on the meds. The other issue we have encountered is the dreaded D word, debt. I wasn't really aware of what we were getting into, for instance, "I" had four different Capital One credit cards that I didn't even know I had until I started getting phone calls wanting to know when they were going to get paid. My wife had run up about 60K worth of credit card bills over the past 3-4 years. Now, needless to say we're both under a LOT of stress. We have been fighting this issue for about the last year and a half. Needless to say, we're broke and doing everything we can to keep our head above water financially. Last summer she even started having anxiety attacks and is now on medication to curb those.

Which brings me to right now. Let me preface what I'm about to say with this, I had multiple partners prior to meeting my wife. I am my wife's only partner. Even through all this, I still love my wife, I committed to her for richer for poorer, in sickness and health, and I take those vows very serious. I would never even consider cheating on my wife. I have no reason to believe that she ever has cheated on me. About a month ago, I was using her computer at home and stumbled onto some things that I found somewhat alarming. The first thing I found was a myspace account. OK, no big deal, but curiosity got the better of me, and she was already logged in so I poked around a little. She had gotten herself all dolled up one night while I was working late, took some pictures and posted them on her profile. She didn't really have any friends, though she had a bunch of guys sending her messages and hitting on, I can kind of understand she did look pretty hot. She did however send a couple of messages to a divorced guy about 8 hours away, commenting on how cute his kids were, and he wasn't so bad himself. I also found where she had set up profiles at fling.com, wealthymen.com and singlesnet.com. The thing that really shocked me was the amount of online porn she's looking at.

I didn't really say anything, but I did monitor the situation. We ended up having sex a couple of days later. What I did find after we had sex, was she was laying in bed waiting for me, I just got in from work and took a quick shower, she was looking at the guy's pics from 8 hours away while she was waiting for me to come to bed. Actually it was innocent enough, she had some online test thing up, and want me to look at it, I made a mistake and hit the back button. Apparently I hit the back button one too many times, and came across the pics. These weren't pornographic or anything, just pics of this guy with and without a shirt, in a hot tub, etc. 

Needless to say I exploded. I also fessed up everything I had found earlier. She claims she's just curious and looking around. She doesn't want anyone but me. We seem to have smoothed things over. She has deleted all of the accounts and to the best of my knowledge, she never had any contact with anyone other than the message she sent to the guy in GA, who did not respond to her.

So about a month later, I find, on my own computer, that she's set up another myspace account, though there are no pics, no name, etc., she doesn't even log into it. I'm not sure what to make of it, I think it's kind of test to see if I'm looking for her and I'll bring it up. I have not. We had several long heart to hearts since the big blowup. I would like to think that we're in the process of getting our act back together. I've gotten my meds changed and we're having sex like constantly, but still something is gnawing at me. I looked at her computer this morning and she spends a LOT of time looking at online porn. Is this normal for women? She's never shown much interest in porn before. Am I setting myself up for a fall here? Do I perceive our relationship getting better, while she's still unhappy and things are headed south? I'd really just like a female opinion.

Thank you, sorry for the novel length post.


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## Ted (Mar 2, 2009)

I know my view is probably in the minority on this site, but I think that nothing good can come from porn. I've never written my whole story on here, but my wife had an affair a year ago. One of the many factors that led to it, was my emotional distance. A large part of that was my addiction to porn. 

I didn't think I was hurting her. I was keeping it a secret. But all the time and energy I spent there, was taking away from our relationship. I just think porn is dangerous for any relationship

That said, I've learned a little about it, because of my own struggle. Men are more commonly attracted to porn, but your wife is not alone...there are many women who are hooked on porn.

For those who really struggle with it, like me, it is an escape. It is artificial intimacy without the strings of real relationship. If she is having panic attacks, and financial stress, this could be her way of "self medicating." I think you should consider marital counseling, but maybe more important would be personal counseling for her if she is willing. If for no other reason the anxiety attacks. But I think there are a lot of underlying things going on. The porn/my space may be a way to escape from the financial problems, however the initial spending spree on the credit cards may have also been an escape for deeper issues. Now it just keeps spiraling. Her forms of escape have caused more problems for which she needs MORE escape from.

I am no therapist, and I may be reading a lot more into this than is really there, but I really think she is escaping from "something"


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

phfan_1-

I don't know the age of your wife, but a lot of women undergo a sexual explosion at around age 36 for some unknown reason!

If that's what's happened here, it did not help that it coincided with your meds. So it's fantastic that you got them changed. I think the drugs dealers, I mean companies realised that they had to do better. A lot of drugs for the nervous system affect libido and sexual performance.

I would not worry about the porn too much if she still wants sex with you. Don't whatever you do try and stop her. She will probably outgrow it. If you try to stop her, you will be marked down as someone who tries to get in the way of her pleasure.

Porn does one thing more than anything else: It gets the dopamine system jacked up. This can work for or against you. I wrote about this on another thread:



MarkTwain said:


> When someone expects to be doing something exciting *some time in the future*, dopamine levels go through the roof. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that gets triggered by the anticipation of excitement. It also rises sharply just before an addict gets his fix. If the planned exciting event gets called off, the dopamine levels crash and it can cause a temporary depression.


If you come along and have sex with her after she has been looking at porn all day - you are the hero!

If you want to drive her absolutely nuts, and she likes coffee, bring her a cup of high quality ground coffee just before sex. The combination of dopamine, coffee and sex will blow he mind. If she has it black with no sugar that is the best, but if not, don't worry. It's better to have sugar than artificial sweetener though - if you want SEX 

Obviously, you must not offer her coffee at night - this is an afternoon or morning thang dude


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I'm not making this up - my wife just called and told me to put the kettle on and grind some coffee beans, she will be back in 2 minutes. Women! I love them


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## phfan_1 (Mar 20, 2009)

Thanks all for the input, you have no idea how I appreciate it. I'm starting to become a little obsessive about this. Am I doing something wrong, etc.

FYI, she's 42, and in one of our little heart to hearts, she did say "I'm in the prime of my life, I want sex!!!"

I'm not really upset about the porn, I don't really care. I don't see her taking time away from me or the family with it. Perhaps it's a myth or whatever, but I've always been lead to believe that women don't really enjoy porn. If she enjoys it, what the heck, lets watch it together, I'm game. 

The porn really was just one of the variables in the mix, again, thank you for your input, I'd love to hear the women's take on this.


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