# questioning my marriage



## confusedtoo (May 16, 2008)

Hi all, I am new here too. I have been reading posts on this forum for the past month or so due to my indecisiveness about holding on to my marriage. Please excuse the length, sorry to babble, but I feel like venting!

Similar to several situations on this forum, over the past year or so I had noticed my husband becoming more distant from me. Our sex life had almost dwindled to nothing (every month or less) over the last year or so as well. We had a child about 2 years ago so I figured it was from the lack of spontaneity and exhaustion of raising a little one as well as both of us commuting and working full time. We have been married for 8 years now but have been together since 1996. We were never lovey dovey , affectionate in public. I am a very private person and all I really need is a little cuddling, a quick kiss, hugging, and time together. I would question him when I saw him in this mood but he said nothing until about a month ago. He basically said that he cares about me but is not in love with me anymore. This shocked me obviously, since when I got married, I thought this was for better or worse! Relationships have to evolve and I know that the same spark of our initial relationship will change....! I thought that having our son and spending time together as a family should make most people happy and feel lucky to have eachother. Well, apparently he seems to have changed and become this Selfish Man. He says he is BORED with his life and we have no friends, he has become lonely... He pushed me away. 
So now over the past month we are discussing separating. We are currently living under the same roof in separate bedrooms. We hang out with our son together after work and take him out on weekends together. We seem to just make small talk to get through the day.... Then when we put our son to bed, he usually goes to the basement to play videogames and I go upstairs to watch TV or read.... We are now strangers to eachother over the past few weeks! We talk about separation details every few days, but it is so exhausting. He wants me to sell me his half of the mortgage and move out somewhere nearby to be with our son.
Anyhow, the compromise that he has come up with is to come a hang out with our son 3-4 days a week and some weekends since I am adamant about our son staying in my house. Then when he is settled that we should try and find the spark again (going out by ourselves, getting a babysitter etc.). Thinking about it, it seemed reasonable to me, but as time has passed, I have become conflicted as to his true intentions. He says that he has never cheated on me and he does not really go out too often to probably be sneaky like that but I am having trust issues with him. I feel that he has been looking around on the internet and possibly may have communicated with women somehow. In looking at our computer internet history, I see that has posted an ad on a dating site saying that he is divorced. What the heck, we are not legally separated at all! Is he just fishing or is this really over??? In talking to some friends that have been through this, they say to try and fight for the marriage because you don't want to regret one day that you never tried.... but I am feeling anger, confusion, and distrust at the moment. Also, he is unwilling to go to counseling at the moment because he is stubborn and says that he hates being told how to feel.... I am not going to fight him about that now, because i am the type of person does not nag. Emotionally I need to put a wall up when I talk to him to get though this without crying all the time. I cannot feel sympathy for him anymore. And I have to be strong to maintain my job and take care of our son. thanks for reading or any advice if you get through this all!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

It sounds like your son has two great parents which is more then I can say for most kids. But the real trouble seems to be in the marriage. 

It isn't uncommon for a parent to feel like the spark of a marriage is lost after a child is born. You date less, romance isn't spontanious etc. But I think his problem lies deeper in the fact he might feel neglected or forgotten.

It doesn't sound like you you haven't expressed enough to assume that he is cheating, although his posts on a singles website suggest that in his mind he feels the marriage is already over.

Have you asked him why he feels the way he does?

As for the marriage councilor I think you might tell him that a good one will not tell him how to feel but rather understand the root problem of why he feels like he does.

Is he an extrovert, one that likes going out and mingling? You described yourself as an introvert and this maybe a place that the two of you can look to compromise.

draconis


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## confusedtoo (May 16, 2008)

Thank you for your kind words Draconis. I know we are trying to be good parents for the sake of our son. And I know we have a long road ahead of us. 

Honestly, I know I am a nice person and I deserve a marriage/relationship with someone who loves me for who I am and what I can give. I have come to realize that people are individuals and I do not expect them to change. So that is how I am getting through all this now. I hope a separation (no matter how it turns out) will make him realize what a great and happy life he could have had if only he had made some effort to try with me. I want him to find this on his own because I will not wait forever for him. He cannot take me for granted.....


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

confusedtoo said:


> Thank you for your kind words Draconis. I know we are trying to be good parents for the sake of our son. And I know we have a long road ahead of us.
> 
> Honestly, I know I am a nice person and I deserve a marriage/relationship with someone who loves me for who I am and what I can give. I have come to realize that people are individuals and I do not expect them to change. So that is how I am getting through all this now. I hope a separation (no matter how it turns out) will make him realize what a great and happy life he could have had if only he had made some effort to try with me. I want him to find this on his own because I will not wait forever for him. He cannot take me for granted.....


ALthough people can often be thick headed, maybe you need to look at how you communicate with him. If you are going to seperate then tell him once a day he can e-mail you. This
helps communications because he can go back and see what he wrote and how you responded and it is all black and white, not vague memories. I hope you keep us up to date on how things go.

I wish you the best and pray for you.

draconis


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## confusedtoo (May 16, 2008)

Hi we have been talking on and off the last week or so.... He still is planning to move out ASAP. I am staying in our house with our son, but he is asking me to refinance to buy him out of the mortgage. He does not want to rent an apartment (due to waste of $$) but buy a townhouse close by. He sees this buying as an investment assuming we get back together? We earn relatively well, so money is not really an issue. We are still keeping joint bills and bank accounts but he has his own separate account as well. This whole house thing has made me upset cause it seems so final.... he reassures me that he is asking for a Trial separation. He is even being open to counseling now. I looked him straight in the eye and asked him if he really wants to try with the marriage, He said Yes and to trust him, but of course it is hard for me to trust him now. He is still willing to pick up son from daycare 2-3 days a week , bring him home and hang out those evenings as well....
He has always been trustworthy with our son so I cannot doubt him there. I feel deep down in my heart that he does still love me, He actually hates seeing me upset.
I just told my parents about our situation and they will not talk to him now, They pretty much just avoid him if they hang out with our son. I guess the whole thing is making me uncomfortable in the middle of things. My parents think his friggin ego is too big, He wants to try things on his own etc.... because when we got married 8 years ago, we bailed him out of alot of things, We had been dating for over 4 years and he quit a post doc but he was from another country, so we probably got married sooner due to green card issues..... 
Anyhow, I don't want him to be with me for the sake of obligation, he should want to be with me because of true feelings. 
Anyhow, just needed to get some emotion out tonight... I honestly do feel there is some hope to our marriage, but I think I need some space now as well.....When you love something sometimes you need to let it go and see if it will come back. I know we need to work on communication and he needs to figure out what he wants in life....


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Well you really do not need to divide the house unless there is a divorce decree so if the seperation is a trial then what is the need?

draconis


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## confusedtoo (May 16, 2008)

Honestly I saw it like that too... but I understand that he needs space and I need some space too even though our arrangement won't afford us the true space that we might really need (due to son). 

Even though we are financially stable, he actually wants a decent downpayment to buy a town house/house in the area. We do not want to tap into investesments due to tax penalties etc. He already borrowed against his 401k to pay off some of our credit cards/loans etc, He just wants to pay that 401k back. He is an impulsive person while it takes me a while to think about things... He probably also wants a tax break since we are still filing together etc. While this sounds selfish, he is a practical person when it comes to these things, He just has no personal common sense when it comes to us and relationships apparently....


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## Corina (May 15, 2008)

I personally have to say that a trial separation doesn't sound like the worse thing. If money is not really an issue, then let him do what he wants as far as renting / buying something else. If he really is practical in these things, then he can just re-sell it later or rent it out and make a profit out of it somehow.
Having said that, I wonder why he doesn't just look for a furnished flat near you to rent for a few weeks. That sounds more like a 'trial' separation.
At least in the case of any kind of separation you will both get an idea of how it feels to be really alone/single again. That will lead to some clarity one way or another.
Good luck, and good job to both of you for keeping your son in mind in all of this!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

confusedtoo said:


> He is an impulsive person while it takes me a while to think about things...


Sounds like my ex and I in that respect. What we ended up doing was to leave the house in both of our names and we bought a second house together. We did eventually divorce, and at that time we did a quit claim deed to release each other from the other house. Since we had quite a bit of equity built up in the house I kept, I bought him out in cash at that point (we sold a land investment we had).

I would feel uneasy if he is saying this is a trial separation with the hope you will get back together and then requesting dividing assets so early in the process. If you haven't already, you may want to discuss the terms of the separation in detail (does this mean he plans to date, etc.?) because if those things are left open it may leave you open to more hurt down the road.


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## confusedtoo (May 16, 2008)

thanks for the advice and comments. You all have stated what I have been feeling about the relationship.... There was definitely a lack of communication!!!! on both ends we admit. He never told me how he felt because of his fear of hurting me and I never told him how I felt because I hate conflict. 

I guess I have been avoiding the issues my whole life, not just with my marriage but with dealing with my parents who are very involved and controlling in my life. Unfortunately, I have come to realize that my parents who take care of our son for the last year and a half (when we are working ) are causing this rift between me and my husband. They are not the whole problem I realized that they make me unhappy in general. It is a strange situation I guess to bring up here but again I am using this place to vent a little. In short I am an only child from an Asian family. The asian culture is pretty much dedicated to their kids, (ie grandparents raise their grandchildren, very rigid rules for children even when children are adults etc. ) My husband is from Europe, (ie: parents raise children until adults then treat them as adults). I guess being the only child, I have always felt this big GUILT from my parents, I know my relationship with them has not been that good since I was in college and working on my own, but that guilt is always there. I always feel that I am never good enough for them and they treat me like I am a little child (and I am 34 now!). They see it as advice while I see it as criticism (about how to raise my child, working, jobs, religion). They never let me go. My husband has pointed it out on numerous occasions and I just ignore it. But I got in a really big argument about this whole separation thing with my parents. I told them because they are involved in my lives and I thought they would give me support, but all they have given me is grief, guilt, and what separation will do to my son... They cannot understand the emotions that my husband and I are feeling for eachother.... I think I have to separate myself from them in order to get through this separation with my husband..... I am going to see a counselor about this other aspect of my life too. 

Anyhow, I have been communicating with my husband more now. He has put an offer on place nearby.... I was upset, but I laid all the facts out on the table. I am not avoiding communication now. I am not scared of what might happen in the future. He says he will not date, we will not tell too many people, we have a good arrangement with our son etc. and we will try counseling once he moves out. He sees this buying as a temporary thing.... (1 year at most)....
But I am not naive, I know things can go either way. He knows he has hurt me, I need to be happy myself too, Not sure if that will happen unless I deal with my parents as well.... I am feeling ok right now, but my emotion has waned up and down these last few weeks.... Anyhow, thanks for your support.....


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

We are always here to listen.

draconis


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## incognito70 (May 28, 2008)

Hi there. You probably read my post about my own situation near the top ("Honest Impartial Opinions....").

I am also of Asian descent, but am as 'North Americanized' as you can get. I think like a native born Canadian, as I've been raised in Canada all my life. My heritage (the 'discipline' & 'respect' parts of my culture) are part of me, but my lifestyle & philosophies on living, are purely NON-Asian, as I am much more liberal than my conservative forefathers. To top it off, I am also a musician/songwriter, who greatly values self-expression, privacy, & communication. My wife however, is now showing ALL the signs of a classic 'Asian'-mentality when it comes to what a 'fulfilling' marriage should be, which are in opposition of what I am all about. It is now become a 'problem' for me to solve & a touchy and difficult one at that.

Having said that, it is very interesting that you had revealed the cultural aspect in your problem. I have found that the clashing of East vs. West, in terms of what is tolerated, expected, or assumed, can wreak havoc amongst the most seemingly stable union.

I agree with your decision to separate yourself from your family while you work things out with your hubby. You definitely need to remove factors that aggravate the situation. Consider yourself lucky that you are able to do so. This will give your marriage a fighting chance.

I wish you the best.


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