# Why Do I Let Things He Does Still Bother Me?



## OnMyOwnat50 (Jan 28, 2013)

Why do seemingly small things throw me into such despair? I’ve posted my story on here before. Long story short, never had a great marriage, but we were together for nearly 30 years. Three years ago STBXH had an EA with someone at work. Suspecting something was up, I asked him to leave our home. He did. About 3.5 months later after she apparently decided to try to work things out with her H, my STBXH asks to come back home to work on our marriage. I let him, we try MC, but after 16 months I can’t do it anymore, and I tell him I want a divorce. Things move quickly after that. House sold, most assets split. Court date coming up on Jan 22 to try to agree on split of retirement accounts. After 15 months of separation, D should have been final by now, but he has ignored my settlement offer, wanting more.

Shortly after we went our separate ways, he started things up again with the OW. From what I heard, things are off and on with them over the next 10 months. Late August 2013, STBXH helps her pack up her stuff and move out of her home and into one STBXH bought in the town she, her H, and her kids live in. One of her sons moved with her. STBXH living elsewhere for the time being. 

What’s bothering me today? STBXH agreed to let D21 use one of his vehicles while D21’s car is in the shop. D21 was supposed to meet STBXH today at the auto shop. Because STBXH lets the OW use his car, he agreed to let D21 use his truck, and said he would drive his motorcycle for a few days. He said he would drive his truck to meet D21, with his motorcycle in the truck bed. Instead he had OW follow him to the body shop. D21 ignored the OW, but this whole thing, minor as it seems, has thrown me for a loop. Does he not care what he does to his kids, even if they aren’t “children” anymore? He knows our daughters want nothing to do with her???? And, honestly it hurts me to the core anytime I hear anything about that woman. I don’t understand why…. I wish I could forget him and her, but it’s not so easy when you’ve been with someone for nearly 30 years…


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

I'm sorry for what you're going through.

A friend told me the one that cares is the one that hurts.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

sorry about your situation, even if is just for vent, this is a good place to do it.

You have done the right thing, at least you are not involving in their drama, getting yourself exhausted if they want to act like stupid teenegers let them, once that the dopamine runs out they are going to see all the mess thay have caused


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## OnMyOwnat50 (Jan 28, 2013)

Thank you, LBH and Manticore. I have just read your threads. The pain of infidelity is just so heartbreaking, particularly for all the innocent people involved --- the betrayed spouses and the children...


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

onmyown: _The pain of infidelity is just so heartbreaking, particularly for all the innocent people involved --- the betrayed spouses and the children..._

I am so sorry you are going through this and I totally understand what you are saying.

It is beyond painful to survive being betrayed. Plus the extra hurt and anger dealt to the children.

I am in a very similar situation. Age wise, selfish STBXH, a child having to survive betrayal from her father, and a stupid ex who wants to introduce child to every affair partner like she is the next prom queen.

I have started removing myself from situation where I will hear things about STBXH and do not ask my daughter any questions anymore. I have put up a shield around my heart in order to protect myself from any more hurt. 

Please post and vent often. That is what I have done and it helps.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

Yep. Post here often and vent. It helps. Going through a similar situation. You can sit and think and rationalize all day long about what went wrong or what you could have done but the best thing you can do is try to let it go and FOCUS ON YOU.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Agreed, come here and vent
Also work on detaching from your ex. It is not healthy, he no longer cares about you. Why do you let HIM invade your mind and thoughts???

Screw him and his OW. He does not deserve all the attention you give him. 
I know it is very hard, I am still working on detaching myself. It gets easier every single day.


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

This is the new reality for our kids. I do not believe my xH cheated but he has moved in with a new woman and her two sons. Not easy for our sons. They live their dad and I know they will be ok but it is hard knowing they have to deal with this.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Glad to see you posting.

Triggers are tough. They are there for a long time.

Are you initiating these conversations with your daughters or are they sharing with you on their own accord?

I know it is hard but if you are asking about the d-bag, please try to stop for your own sanity and healing.

Stretch


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## OnMyOwnat50 (Jan 28, 2013)

Thanks all. And to answer your question, Stretch, sometimes I initiate the conversations and sometimes my daughters do. Just a few days prior to the episode at the body repair shop, D21 was exchanging texts with her dad, and her dad said "June said hi!!" D21 was upset and told her dad she didn't care to hear anything about June. STBXH responded by saying "Have a good nite," and ending the conversation. D21 shared that with me. D24 keeps most exchanges to herself unless she is disgusted with her dad about something he says or does. Then I hear about it. I do not on a day-to-day basis ask if they have talked with their dad. 

You are always so optimistic, Stretch. The D can't happen fast enough for me. STBXH , as I've probably previously said, first stalled til he knew June would leave her H for him and now he is stalling cuz the lawyer said the longer he stalls the more money he'll get from my retirement account.

I also recently heard from D21 that when her dad gave her a $150 check for Xmas he asked her to hold on off depositing the check for a few days til he got paid. D24 then told me he was complaining to her about money being tight cuz he is paying $1000 a month to stay at a friend's apartment while at the same time he is paying the mortgage on the house he bought for June to live in. D24 said she asked him why June isn't paying half the mortgage and he just shrugged. Meanwhile, he stopped contributing to D21s car insurance and cell phone bill because he said she is an adult now and should take care of herself. He had agreed to continue to split her bills til she graduates from college in May. But $100 a month is too much now that he supports June, a woman who probably earns as much as he does. 

So the triggers are there whether I invite them or not. I long for the day when I don't think about STBXH and June. Unless June eventually goes back to her H (living in STBXHs house now for 4.5 months), she will be in my life in some form or another until whoever dies first. D21 is already talking about whether her dad will bring June to her graduation in May. Then there are possible weddings in the future, events with future grandkids... Ugh...


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