# Two different 180s?



## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

I've noticed lately that a lot of the 180 links have been to a separate website, The Healing Heart. 

The Healing Heart: The 180

I'm assuming that this is because the mods have decided it's not a good idea to have the list hosted on TAM.

The thing is, there are actually some major differences between the above list and the one that I'd more commonly seen on TAM previously. That list looked more like the one below.

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity

Some of the differences are cosmetic. The Healing Heart list has less detail, but there's one big difference. It contains the following:


> 10. Do not spy on spouse.


Really? Where's the logic in that? In an affair situation, is it really a good idea to recommend not to spy on a spouse?


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

The 180 is about emotional detachment while the cheating spouse is still engaged in the affair. Spying stops the detachment from taking place.

Once the cheating spouse has of his/her own free will ended the affair and is willing to do all the hard work of marital recovery, can spying to verify the cheating spouse's actions match his/her words be of any constructive use.


----------



## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

The problem is, I'd imagine you'd need some level of spying before taking any WS claim seriously. Otherwise, false R.

One thing I don't get is how these two different lists evolved in the first place.


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

If your partner decides to continue the affair either in front of you or behind your back then spying is counter productive. It will feet much better when you decide that the person you knew has gone and that you are doing your best to get on with your life.
It helps you heal.

The effect of letting go can be quite staggering. The WW sees that you are no longer pursuing them. engaging them and importantly not giving them any of your time and their ego falls apart. 
I think in many cases the BS is important to the proper dynamic of the affair. Without the input of the BS it starts to look like what it is. A fantasy.

If and this is a big IF. They want to R at a later date and they agree to transparency and you want to do it too, then it is quite reasonable to get the VAR, satellite tracker and Instant message interceptor on full alert. This enables you to feel safe. Without it you stand the risk of being gaslighted and having to go through it all over again!


----------

