# Do forgiveness and respect go hand-in-hand?



## dumped4another (Dec 16, 2009)

I have a question. As some of you might have read in my orig post "Lay it on me, folks" my W has really put me through the wringer the past year. I'd like to think I'm making some progress dealing with the fact my family has crumbled. I'm back to church, I've re-opened the lines of communication to God (I pray for each and everyone of you everyday), and I'm going to therapy to work on myself, to become stronger. Heck, I even pray for my W and her boyfriend, if you can believe that! That leads me to my question:

Can I fully forgive yet have no shred of respect for my W and the boyfriend?

Now let me just say this: I'm nowhere near forgiving my W for the pain and anguish she has put me through. I know she has some remorse, but never shows it. She recently turned 40 and is pretty much living the life of a single 20-something, right in front of me and my daughter (my daughter doesn't know about the other man yet, I THINK). But I know that if i'm ever gonna have a meaningful relationship down the road, I'm gonna have to come to terms with this and forgive. I recently found an amazing website Life help, how to know god, real Christianity and inspirational living : Actsweb. There is an article called "Living Again After Divorce" which gives 13 recommendations on dealing with divorce. Number 7 really struck me in stating "Forgive to be free." It says we really need to grow towards forgiveness and failing to do so "keeps you bound to the past," and "it is imperative that you forgive if you are going to recover fully." I'm trying to move in this direction and it is difficult this early in the going. I just know that I'll never be able to respect my W and her boyfriend (her future husband, she says, by the way) going forward. Their whole relationship is founded on lies and cheating. But I know I'll have to forgive if I'm ever going to be with someone in a relationship.

Is it possible to do this? Is forgiveness supposed to be unconditional? Or does it have limits? I will always think of my W as a coward. She could have just told me she wasn't in love with me. She had to have someone "lined up" in order for her to gather the courage to tell me. I CAN'T respect that. And I certainly don't want my daughter to be like that later in life. 

This question is eating away at me. What do you think?


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## MiddleWay (Jan 15, 2010)

I feel for you, as I'm struggling with some of the same issues of respect and forgiveness. I'm mainly posting here because I want to give you affirmation that your attitude (praying for your wife and the interloper) and your work on forgiveness are so counter-cultural and SO IMPORTANT. It will lead to your freedom. Good for you! 

Wish I could answer your real question, but I don't know myself yet.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Dumped4another,

I believe that you can forgive and have no respect for your w. However, if you "hate" her, then no. Forgiving your wife and not respecting her to me are two different things. However not respecting her is judging her for her actions which is not unconditional love in my understanding of unconditional love. For unconditional love means you see a persons flaws, acknowledge them but still love them with the warts too without judgement. 

At least that is my $.02.


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## dumped4another (Dec 16, 2009)

Thanks Middle, keeping on trying! It gets better, although I don't know what "better" really looks like yet!!

You bring up a great point, FA. Like I said, I'm nowhere near forgiveness because the pain is still so fresh. I struggle with the "hate" thing. Like when she leaves the house at 6pm and comes home at 1am and asks me how I'm doing, I find myself uttering "hate" under my breath. I try to convince myself that I hate the actions and not the person, but am I truly being honest to myself, to God? I don't want to be a hypocrite. And you're right, can one really say "my love WAS unconditional?" if unconditional means accepting everything about that person all the time, no matter what. It's ongoing, and never in the past tense. Eeesh!! And if I have to turn off these feelings for my W, then my love was never unconditional?? Man, it's confusing. Or am I just thinking too hard?


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

But remember that unconditional love doesn't mean you don't have boundaries with the other person. It just means they are who they are and you can't control them. You either "love" them or you "don't". It has taken me a while to get here myself. Have I forgiven my wife? Not sure. I think it is important to forgive yourself -- that brought me freedom. Plus taking ownership of my actions. I made mistakes in my relationship (no, not cheating), but mistakes nonetheless, I take those on now so moving forward I won't in the future. We are all human. Remember: To err is human, to forgive devine. 

Peace.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Forgiveness is a very selfish (in a good way) act. I think what you are looking for is to get rid of the hate you feel.

Consider this - hating or being angry with her actually hurts YOU, and has little or no effect on HER. So - that's why you forgive. Forgiving her won't make HER feel better - it will make YOU feel better. You don't even have to tell her - just do it (forgive her) when it feels right.

And I don't think you have to respect to forgive. Maybe you can use pity as a reason to forgive? Or just the understanding that we all go through things and make mistakes. She's human - and it wasn't meant to be. Forgive and move on - for yourself.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Right on Nice777guy. 
It is easier to forgive when you realize that it helps you and not the other person. 
Don't be so hard on yourself. Give it time. 
~Blessings~


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

I understand forgiveness to be releasing the debt of the person who hurt you. It's like you feel (understandably) that your wife owes you an apology and probably a whole lot of penance for the pain that she caused. In your heart, that is HER DEBT. Forgiveness releases that. She doesn't owe you that anymore. You aren't going to hold her to that, wait for her to pay, fight for her to pay.

Respect should probably follow that in a perfect world, but I don't think it's necessarily as important in this situation. You do need to forgive your wife (like God forgives), but respecting her is a whole other thing. I'm not sure that respecting her is crucial to your freedom.


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

I intend to forgive my W so I can move on and not be weighted down by feelings that will keep me from moving forward with my life. Not forgiving her would only hurt me more and build up toxic feelings that would weight me down. 

I fear for what she has done to my daughter and if my daughter has problems in college because what my wife has done, then forgiveness will be much harder for me. 

Because of what my W did and how she did it, I have forever lost respect for her.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

I think forgiveness is something we should all be working towards for ourselves - no-one wants to be angry bitter and resentful....

I think that I respect my H's right to make his own choices good and bad 
-
everyone has free will....

not sure I can resepct all his choices though...in fact I feel pity for him if I am honest - sorry that he can't see through his own cr**.


and I am not sure how to advise you to get to a point of forgiveness -

and I understand I forgive my H for not being in love with me - but subjecting kids to this 

I find harder ....


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

That's the problem Knortoh, forgiving them for what they did to our children. Our kids don't understand or deserve what has happened to them.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

But Notaclue, blaming our spouses for what happens to a child or children is still blame. I guess I've come to realize that as a man, as a human, that even if I'm only 10 percent in the wrong is irrelevant. I was in the wrong -- I made mistakes. I own mine and I can't own anyone else's. Yes it is hard on my son to grow up with parents who live under different roofs. So I can't at this point even point to that, for I too caused this. If I can't look myself in the mirror and say I had no hand in this -- then I can't blame. Can you?

Just my two cents.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Notaclue,

Don't take my post as an attack or pointing fingers at you. I guess this is where I am at in my journey. Today I wrote a letter to my son that I will give him some day -- he is too young to understand it now. In it I say what a man would say -- i messed up. I own my mistakes, I won't blame anyone. But I will be a man and accept my circumstances whether of my own doing or others. That i will correct my actions for the future. I guess I'm trying to teach him what I wasn't taught or failed to learn. Keep moving, keep learning, never stop. That is failure. Not trying.

Peace.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I guess when I think about our kids, my mind usually shifts from blame to "how do we make this work."

Yes - there are times I want to tell them to "ask Mommy about her boyfriend" - but I won't. Mostly I just want to keep them away from the pain as much as possible.

I DO blame my wife for our situation. I may have had some hand in it, but things should never have gotten this stupid.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

yep nice 
much more productive to think of it in terms of how to make it work...
much more useful....
I hope to be the best parent I can be no matter what the circumstances....


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

useful - but not easy. after i typed i almost deleted - didn't want to sound self-righteous.

Who knows - maybe I WILL tell them about Mommy's special friends some day - in a weak moment.

But I'll take as much of the pain as I have to in order to keep their's to a minimum. Feels like taking a bullet sometimes.


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Right there with you nice777guy. But you're doing right by your kids. My W asked me multiple times what the picture I have of her and the OM is for - because we live in a "no fault" state. One day our kids will see her for who she was during this time in their lives.

hang in there.....


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

sadly when the kids grow up they will see it 
until then I think it is wise to help them keep as good a picture of their parents as we can....


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Amen - the kids will know in time - we don't need to tell them.

My kids heard me call my wife some "bad words" one night. She had kicked me out of bed for no apparent reason around 2am. Then she followed me - arguing - into the living room. I snapped - and that's when the kids woke up.

I felt so low that night. But since then I've thought about the times my wife has lost her temper and cursed at THEM. My oldest even told me that she was so mad at me that night and wanted to tell me so, but then she saw how sad I felt about it so she didn't say anything. I guess that's forgiveness, eh?


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