# not sure what is going on



## aussiemum (Jun 5, 2012)

Hi I new to forums and not sure if I am posting this in the right spot...but here goes. I have been married for 16 years and with my husband for 19 years we have 3 kids (11, 13 & 15) pretty good kids and they don't cause us many problems just the usual stuff. Hubby and I have had rocky history with many problems with my family...as a result I see none of my family and the ones I did have a relationship have all died in the past 3 years. Hubby has always been very affectionate and loving although sometimes controlling and demanding. What has happened to lead me here is about 6 months ago he started a new job...3 months ago he became friends with one of the women he works with..she is married 2 kids and confessed to him she was having marriage problems...she is beautiful thin and 10 years younger than me...Every night they work together sit in the car and talk and have smokes and coffee some times go and get dinner together. then a month ago he went to her house when her hubby was at work and had coffee...when I was at work I came home and he wasn't here...every since then I have not had one cuddle, not one I love you and sex about 3 times which has been very much just sex no kissing or cuddling. Also he told me I am not his friend any more because I never do what he asks....there is alot more to know but what are your thoughts on his relationship with this woman...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Oh, dear. This doesn't sound good.

It is possible that this is an emotional affair (EA) rather than a Physical Affair (PA) but one can lead to the other, possibly what is happening here.

You could look for marriage guidance (or Marriage Counselling, or Relationship Counselling, depends what they call it, these days!) there are other things that you can do, some other board members will be along soon.

By the way


> beautiful thin


 does not float my boat! Beautiful + thin does not always work, but that's my opinion! 

I wish you well. Sorry you had to come here, but glad you found it!


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## aussiemum (Jun 5, 2012)

Thanks I do think it is emotional more than physical but one can lead to the other...I am hoping we can work throu this but he doesn't seem to want to address the issue


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

aussiemum said:


> Thanks I do think it is emotional more than physical but one can lead to the other...I am hoping we can work throu this but he doesn't seem to want to address the issue


He might be in a fog, where the spouse cannot see they are doing wrong.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Sorry your here , you have lots of catch up to do start by reading the newbie thread for supporting information 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

going to her place without her husband being there may indicate that has gone physical

you need to investigate, is he glued to his phone at home? Is he facebook friends with her?

use keylogger, GPS, and VAR's


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

aussiemum said:


> Hi I new to forums and not sure if I am posting this in the right spot...but here goes. I have been married for 16 years and with my husband for 19 years we have 3 kids (11, 13 & 15) pretty good kids and they don't cause us many problems just the usual stuff. Hubby and I have had rocky history with many problems with my family...as a result I see none of my family and the ones I did have a relationship have all died in the past 3 years. Hubby has always been very affectionate and loving although sometimes controlling and demanding. What has happened to lead me here is about 6 months ago he started a new job...3 months ago he became friends with one of the women he works with..she is married 2 kids and confessed to him she was having marriage problems...she is beautiful thin and 10 years younger than me...Every night they work together sit in the car and talk and have smokes and coffee some times go and get dinner together. then a month ago he went to her house when her hubby was at work and had coffee...when I was at work I came home and he wasn't here...every since then I have not had one cuddle, not one I love you and sex about 3 times which has been very much just sex no kissing or cuddling. Also he told me I am not his friend any more because I never do what he asks....there is alot more to know but what are your thoughts on his relationship with this woman...


Betrayed spouse here. 

He went to her house when hubby was not home. 

Smells lie a physical affair has started. That plus sex but no cuddles. 

When he is having sex he is thinking of her, that is why he want's sex but no cuddles. He needs physical relief from his mind movies of her, but can't be affectionate to you because he is not having sex with you in his mind. In his mind he is screwing her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Or if he has sex with his wife, he feels guilty?


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Or if he has sex with his wife, he feels guilty?


Guilty as if he is cheating on the OW, the one he is having this EA with?

It appears to me that he is setting the scene for blaming the BS (or justifying in his mind) his A with this OW. The OW "does nothing wrong" and he would not have turned to this OW if his BS (insert all kinds of lame excuses here to justify his A).


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

He is in an emotional affair with her, all the signs are there.

I suggest you read the book, Not Just Friends (excerpts on google books in my signature). You need to understand precisely what you're dealing with and the book covers it all.



aussiemum said:


> 3 months ago he became friends with one of the women he works with..she is married 2 kids and confessed to him she was having marriage problems


This is THE #1 WAY that emotional affairs start. Just so you fully comprehend this--it is beyond inappropriate to discuss your marital problems with someone outside your marriage who is potentially sexually attractive--not even to mention the fact that they are co-workers who should not behave this way, either.

Infatuation is a powerful emotion, it starts exactly like this. A person confides in someone outside the marriage, starting a private relationship. They share their problems. The other person (your husband) expressing caring. That is all it takes to get a spark and it can light in as little as a couple of weeks. In all likelihood he is discussing how he has "marriage problems" too. 

So EVEN IF they haven't told each other they have feelings for each other, even if they haven't (YET) exchanged "I love you's"--even if there is nothing physical--he is already crossing certain martial boundaries and betraying you.



> Every night they work together sit in the car and talk and have smokes and coffee some times go and get dinner together.


He has dinner with her instead of you? These are called "dates."



> then a month ago he went to her house when her hubby was at work and had coffee...when I was at work I came home and he wasn't here...


I am sorry to say this. Do you really think--truly in your heart of hearts--that they went to her house and just had coffee? Does that make sense to you? They already know that they can buy fantastic coffee in a public place. There was no better coffee at her home.



> every since then I have not had one cuddle, not one I love you and sex about 3 times which has been very much just sex no kissing or cuddling. Also he told me I am not his friend any more because I never do what he asks....


He didn't use these precise words, but this amounts to a famous thing that cheaters tell their spouses--my spouse said this to me too: I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You (ILYBINILWY). This is a sign that he has, in all likelihood, told her that he cares for her.


This has already progressed to a stage right under your nose where you don't need any other evidence. He is betraying the marriage. Emotional affairs are very powerful, and he is not going to stop just because your feelings are hurt or you get angry. Some outside force is going to have to come to bear on him in order for him to break it off.

But although YOU don't need more evidence, you will need it for other people and purposes. Gather hard evidence--check his cell phone, look at his cell / texting records, look at his computer browsing history, and read AlmostRecovered's other recommendations above. DO NOT CONFRONT when you find evidence, save it in a safe place, get more advice before taking the next step.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> Guilty as if he is cheating on the OW, the one he is having this EA with?
> 
> It appears to me that he is setting the scene for blaming the BS (or justifying in his mind) his A with this OW. The OW "does nothing wrong" and he would not have turned to this OW if his BS (insert all kinds of lame excuses here to justify his A).


Yes. Exactly.

He is setting the scene to blame her for everything. 

If there's a problem in the marriage he has an affair instead of accepting some responsibility and seeking therapy.

Obviously he's the more problematic partner in the marriage due to that logic, but he will never accept any blame.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> Guilty as if he is cheating on the OW, the one he is having this EA with?
> 
> It appears to me that he is setting the scene for blaming the BS (or justifying in his mind) his A with this OW. The OW "does nothing wrong" and he would not have turned to this OW if his BS (insert all kinds of lame excuses here to justify his A).


Possibly, or maybe if he has sex with his wife he might think: _"I had sex with OW, yesterday. Now I am having sex with my wife. She doesn't know I am cheating on her. God. I feel such a heel, at this moment."_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

He punched out of the marriage and is blameshifting. You are not doing what I want therefore I am justified with being with my new sweety.

Forget the OW's looks. Easier said then done. In many cases it has nothing to do with the OW's or OM's looks, breast or penis size, or any number of things that we, the BS'ers focus on in the beginning of discovering an A.

I suspect it went PA. Folks don't spend time in a house to have coffee. 

Get tested for STD's.

You are at the beginning of discovery. How is the relationship with your H and your kids? 

I would look at exposing this but try to get more evidence first.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Yep first step: get tested for STD's

Well you're still at a stage where, if you act fast , you can prevent this situation from blowing over.

You need to investigate this entire scenario without your hubby's Knowledge-> keylogger,GPS,VAR's and whatever else you can lay hands on

Then after you get substantial proof(or lack thereof). Confront your Husband and if that fails (bound to usually) Expose it to the OW's husband


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## aussiemum (Jun 5, 2012)

This is such a nightmare...I thank you all for your advise. Today I asked him what he wanted from me and he said nothing and I asked him where I fit in his life and he said he didn't know. I honestly don't think it has gone sexual maybe kissing and cuddling in the car but I honestly don't think it has gone that far...I am way more concerned as to why he is turning away from me....yeah sure i've been a right pain in the butt and disrespected and suffered from depression controlled him and not wanting him to persue hobbies etc (because I am lonely and want him at home)I have never had any indiscretions. One night a year ago he got very drunk and was abusive and forceful to me (he did pretty much rape me) I won't tell him as it would hurt him to know he hurt me so physically and emotionally I'm thinking of telling him but am worried he will just think I am trying to emotionally control him...I am a mess think I will suggest couples therapy what do you think..sorry not making much sense today


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Until the affair is finished a couples therapy won't work, even then your husband needs to fully focus on you for your relationship to succeed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

aussiemum, what you are seeing is the throes of his infatuation for her.

Mentally he is showing her loyalty by 'rewriting' marital history.

The bottom line is you (like I did) may have contributed to the marriage being vulnerable. But the mature, adult reaction to this is not to start "dating" women from one's office and canoodling in cars.

You can certainly ask him to attend couple's counseling. What we've generally seen is that counseling is spectacularly unhelpful if there are 3 people in the marriage. Counseling would require your husband to be introspective and honest--difficult things to do in the best of times. Do you see him being that way right now?

If you opt for couples counseling, find a counselor who is pro-marriage and who has training in infidelity (surprisingly, many have/are neither). But be prepared for a tremendous amount of denial about the nature of the relationship. If he even agrees to go. (You can always ask just to see what he says.)

A voice-activated recorder (VAR) in the car will tell you what you need to know.

How do you know what you know--has he told you all this so far? Where do they sit in the car--in front of your house? In the office parking lot?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Unless and until he comes out of the association with her, nothing will progress for your marriage. Stay strong, you had 19 years with him and OW only 6 months.
Stop blaming yourself now. Blaming yourself is counter productive and will take you to self pitying.
Become a little detectiveyourself. Monitor his phone records. AlmostRecovered has already suggested VAR etc.
Once you collect evidences, expose OW to her husband.
Can you hire a PI, you are independent financially. 
All these types of affairs, work place, married AP, end in disaster.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Stop asking him how you can fit in his life. He's having a physical affair (why else would he go to her house?) and cheaters develop a 'fog' in which their entire past is rewritten; you become the bad guy because you stand in the way of his lust for OW. 

Add to that the fact that he's a controller, means that you've been appeasing him for 15 years, so he has lost all respect for you.

Stop saying things like "it would hurt him to know he hurt me." That's the talk of an abuse victim and you need to get yourself out from under that mindset. 

Read this book: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry And Controlling Men, by Bancroft; it's the bible of people in your situation.

Then contact the rest of your family that you have left. He gained control over you over the years by isolating you from your family; get them back, even if you weren't close to those particular family members; you need them. 

Start reaching out to your friends and getting out of the house, or go out and make new friends (join a club or class or something).

And find out OW's contact information - her husband, her parents. Gather together the numbers for her people to contact and the numbers for his family members (parents, siblings) to contact, and sit down and call/write them all in one sitting. Tell them he has developed an affair and you need their help ending the affair. He will be mad; he's supposed to. If you fear for your safety, skip the exposure and just move out - don't keep your kids in that situation.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

aussiemum said:


> 6 months ago he started a new job...3 months ago he became friends with one of the women he works with..


So this is yet another dreaded workplace affair. I'll tell you this right off the bat: This type of affair cannot be killed unless one of the Affair Partners (APs) leaves or gets fired. The affair will continue as long as the APs work together, no ifs and buts about it. They cannot go back to just being coworkers. And there is no way to enforce or ensure that there is No Contact (NC), and an affair cannot be stopped unless they have NC.



aussiemum said:


> she is married 2 kids and confessed to him she was having marriage problems...


This is where the majority of workplace affairs start: sharing the initimate details of one's marriage. What this does is sharing emotional intimacy. Besides, OW ALWAYS say they're having marital problems. 



aussiemum said:


> Every night they work together sit in the car and talk and have smokes and coffee some times go and get dinner together.


Sitting together in the car alone AND going for coffee and dinner? *This is called DATING*. Your WH is actually dating the OW. How did you allow this? Even more, how can the Other Woman's Husband (OWH) allow this? At the very minimum, this has become an EA.



aussiemum said:


> then a month ago he went to her house when her hubby was at work and had coffee...


After months of dating (going out for coffee and dinner), he goes to her house when her husband isn't home and they have more coffee? Please don't tell me that you believe this. What is the usual conclusion when a man has been dating another woman and they go to her place? In addition to the other signs, its reasonable to conclude that this may have gone PA already. 



aussiemum said:


> when I was at work I came home and he wasn't here...every since then I have not had one cuddle, not one I love you and sex about 3 times which has been very much just sex no kissing or cuddling.


The facts are in, he's been dating another woman, he's gone to her place alone, and now he's withdrawn from you, both emotionally and sexually. Two more huge red flags. This is typical behavior for a person who is in an affair. He's all into her right now, and actually feels having sex with his wife is cheating on his AP. 



aussiemum said:


> Also he told me I am not his friend any more because I never do what he asks....there is alot more to know but what are your thoughts on his relationship with this woman...


Yet another red flag. He's now re-writing the marital history in his head in order to rationalize the affair to himself. My thoughts are that the very minimum, he's in a full on EA with this woman that most likely has gone PA.

You need to fight for your marriage, at the very least, you need to expose this affair to the OWH. I'm sure that he doesn't know that another man has been in his house when he wasn't home. You already have proof that your husband has been dating this OW. Your Wayward Husband (WH) MUST leave his job.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

You own 50% of the marriage problems. BUT, 100% of the cheating, whatever form it is, is on him.

Take time to work on your issues. You can't control what he does you can only try to end his A and exposure is typically the best way to do it.

Get into IC and do not do MC until he leaves the OW.


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