# Man looking for Ladies Point of View



## DODGE22 (Oct 31, 2011)

Hi,
I'm a 32 Year old man who's been married almost 8 years with 5 very young Children. I think I'm a very good dad and husband, but my wife and I often disagree about my social life. I have a flexible work schedule so I'm usually home for lunch, home early and dedicating the majority of my free time to the family. And when I am home, I'm playing with the kids, doing baths, putting them to bed, etc. My wife is a stay at home mom, and says she doesn't have enough time to get everything done during the day. So at night after the kids are asleep, i'm often begging for attention. I rarely go out without her (so I think) but when I do, I feel very guilty and I have to hear "you go out too much". My sex life is not spectacular and often I feel like she does it as part of the mercy rule. At that point, I'd rather abstain. Can any of you give me advice as to what I'm doing wrong. I know it's only one side of the story, but I tried to be as fair as possible in the description. Any help would be most appreciated. :scratchhead:


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

"You go out too much". Listen to what she is telling you, you might not agree with it, but that's how she feels, and it's pretty hard to tell someone that their feelings are wrong. (feelings aren't debatable).

Sounds like you do a lot for your family, glad to hear you are so involved with your kids. 5! That's a lot .

Does your wife get any free adult time herself? That might help.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

When you're not home, I assume your wife is the sole caretaker of FIVE children. She's got to be exhausted. I admire your willingness to pitch in and help with the kids. Both of you need a break. A few hours of adult time away from the house could prove beneficial. 

Could the two of you get the kids ready for bed, then sit down to a candlelight dinner? Heck, grab a ready-cooked rotisserie chicken and mix together a salad from the salad bar at the grocery store, nuke a couple baking potatoes, and you have a decent dinner. I added this suggestion because money is tight for so many people in this economy. If it isn't for you, get a babysitter and go out to dinner.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

deejov said:


> "You go out too much". Listen to what she is telling you, you might not agree with it, but that's how she feels, and it's pretty hard to tell someone that their feelings are wrong. (feelings aren't debatable).
> 
> Sounds like you do a lot for your family, glad to hear you are so involved with your kids. 5! That's a lot .
> 
> Does your wife get any free adult time herself? That might help.


When you hear "You go out too much", add "Without me  " at the end.


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## wemogirl (May 31, 2011)

that_girl said:


> When you hear "You go out too much", add "Without me  " at the end.


:iagree:

Have you asked your wife what she needs from you? Ask her to be specific if she can instead of something like "I need you to be more supportive."

Good luck. It sounds like you are a very involved dad which is great. I'm sure your house is crazy but hopefully it's a good crazy. We have 4 that are 8 and under and our house is always hopping but it's all good for the most part. I just wish my husband would put *us* first sometimes instead of last.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Maybe she just wants to go out and have fun too--- without kids.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi dodge ~

I think that in a marriage, each spouse needs a certain amount of time to themself - especially if they are the kind of person who needs alone time to decompress. Some people can't stand to be alone long and need to socialize. But, others can't stand being surrounded all the time and need some time alone. Do you know which your wife is? And does she get time away from the house and kids very often? Or if she needs to decompress, does she ever have that chance after you first get home?

As well, couples need alone time together too. Are you ever able to get away just the two of you? Do you ever spontaneously plan anything to take her out - get the kids to grandma/sitter and surprise her?

Your wife sounds a bit overwhelmed - and with 5 very young children that isn't too much of a surprise. Do you tell her that you really appreciate all of the hard work that she does on a daily basis? She may be the kind of person who needs verbal affirmation as well.

One way to find out about each other is to take the "5 Love Languages" quiz (and you can read the book together too). It can give you insight in to the ways that each of you need to be shown love.

There are 5 basic types - through physical affection, words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, and gifts. It can be helpful to know, for instance, that all of the acts of service you do could fall flat if your spouse really desires quality time or words of affirmation from you. It is at least a place to start for thinking about what kinds of things and in what ways you two could be filling each other's love 'tank.'

The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love Languages®

Best wishes.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I don't get the sense that he's going out and tripping the light fantastic.

What I do believe, is that we see this dynamic way too often.

Encourage her to go out without the kids. Pick up the slack on that end.

She is obviously overwhelmed. Any help you can pull in from friends or family?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

yeah, she is way overwhelmed. i saw it with my wife and 3 kids when they were young (cant imagine 5). it is much better now that they are in middleschool/HS.

suck it up and stay home or even better take her out and treat her like a lady


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> yeah, she is way overwhelmed. i saw it with my wife and 3 kids when they were young (cant imagine 5). it is much better now that they are in middleschool/HS.
> 
> suck it up and stay home or even better take her out and treat her like a lady


While you need to help her with the kids, you also need to recognize that you will never be able to do enough. With five little ones, there will always be more cleaning up, laundry, nap times, bed times, feedings, etc. to do. Absent a billionaire lifestyle with a separate nanny for each kid, there will be a constant to do list with the kids - no getting around it. So, you also need to date your wife. 

Get her out so that the two of you can focus on each other. Stop being mom and dad for a couple of hours every week or so and be him and her. Also take a look at yourself and make sure you have not completely morphed into a daddy. Work to keep some of the attributes you had when you were dating her. Remind her why she said yes to you in the first place. 

It is a balancing act to be both the father that is needed for your family, and the husband that is needed for your wife.


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## wemogirl (May 31, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> While you need to help her with the kids, you also need to recognize that you will never be able to do enough. With five little ones, there will always be more cleaning up, laundry, nap times, bed times, feedings, etc. to do. Absent a billionaire lifestyle with a separate nanny for each kid, there will be a constant to do list with the kids - no getting around it. So, you also need to date your wife.
> 
> Get her out so that the two of you can focus on each other. Stop being mom and dad for a couple of hours every week or so and be him and her. Also take a look at yourself and make sure you have not completely morphed into a daddy. Work to keep some of the attributes you had when you were dating her. Remind her why she said yes to you in the first place. *
> 
> It is a balancing act to be both the father that is needed for your family, and the husband that is needed for your wife*.


Yes! I totally agree!


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

5 kids? wow.......not easy for both of you. You both need couple time and alone time. If she could go out once a week with you and once without you or kids will help a lot. Even with two kids I badly needed it. Discuss with her and figure out a way. Baby sitter, friends, family to help?


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

5 kids here too...It's tough.

I agree, encourage her to take some time away from the household and kids on her own but also encourage (read do) date night at least twice a month, better if you can manage once a week.

You both need alone time by yourselves and as a couple. I know what you are going through. I know what she's going through.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

She is saying that you go out to much without her. Find a babysitter and take her out a couple of times a month.

I only have 1 child and he is enough of a hand full... i can't imagine running around after 5 children all day. My son wears me out all by himself. 

Does your wife get any time to her self. I don't. The last time i got any alone time was last Nov, while i was in the hospital for 3 days getting my gallbladder taken out. Not much of a break.

Everyone needs time to them selves.. I would love a couple of hours a week..

At least you help your wife with the children.. My husband doesn't do much in that aspect, it is all me.


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