# Withholding sex



## iheartlamps (Jan 4, 2009)

My girlfriend and I have been going out for 4 months, in that time we have been having sex almost every day. My girlfriend has mentioned a couple times she doesn't want sex to just become routine and boring. I've been out of town for a week and last night she texted me that she thinks we should wait a month before we have sex again.

This kind of through me off and for some reason it's really bothering me. A part of me feels insulted and another part questions our compatibility. I've gone long stints without sex while single. It just seems odd to me to ration out and hold off on sex.

Advice or opinions on the situation please. Is this not a big deal?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

iheartlamps said:


> My girlfriend and I have been going out for 4 months, in that time we have been having sex almost every day. My girlfriend has mentioned a couple times she doesn't want sex to just become routine and boring. I've been out of town for a week and last night she texted me that she thinks we should wait a month before we have sex again.
> 
> This kind of through me off and for some reason it's really bothering me. A part of me feels insulted and another part questions our compatibility. I've gone long stints without sex while single. It just seems odd to me to ration out and hold off on sex.
> 
> ...


I'd find out why. Have a talk about it. TBH the whole thing sounds really odd to me, and I wouldn't be surprised if she gives you a long line of almost-legitimate sounding BS, but maybe she has an actual reason.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think she's questioning where the relationship is headed, or else someone else has captured her fancy and she doesn't want to feel conflicted while she thinks it through or explores her options.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

iheartlamps said:


> My girlfriend and I have been going out for 4 months, in that time we have been having sex almost every day. My girlfriend has mentioned a couple times she doesn't want sex to just become routine and boring. I've been out of town for a week and last night she texted me that she thinks we should wait a month before we have sex again.
> 
> This kind of through me off and for some reason it's really bothering me. A part of me feels insulted and another part questions our compatibility. I've gone long stints without sex while single. It just seems odd to me to ration out and hold off on sex.
> 
> ...


Dump her.

Never deal with any woman playing games with or manipulating you with sex.

I repeat....dump her.


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## Chelhxi (Oct 30, 2008)

Maybe she has a medical issue that she's embarrassed to share with you in a direct manner. I wouldn't assume the worst right away.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Dump her.
> 
> *Never deal with any woman playing games with or manipulating you with sex.*
> 
> I repeat....dump her.


A-flipping-men!
To me, it's a betrayal of a relationship when someone, man or woman, uses sex to manipulate their partner. 
You don't go from having sex daily to holding out for a month, that's not typical sexualized behavior.
Of course you should ask her why she wants to hold off, but something tells me it's not going to be plausible.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I've been seeing my GF for 18 months now, and we've had to do a few stints of no sex for up to a week due to travel or sickness. Typically, we're 5 to 7 times a week. We're early/mid 40's, btw...

When we can't have sex, we do continue to build our sexual tension. Flirting with each other, sexting, dirty pics, even FaceTime. As well as our regular communications, of course. At the end of a week, we're both ready to rip each others clothes off. I can't imagine going without for a month!

My guess... She's not that into you sexually. Possibly she's been "over-achieving" sexually to keep you interested in the relationship, maybe you're not floating her boat anymore... Nobody knows but her. In any case, I'd be very cautious about a long term relationship with her, if I was you. Even if she does back down on this idea, she's obviously willing to use sex to manipulate. If you somehow get locked into a relationship, you may see her true colors.

C


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Circlecast said:


> Let me throw my two cents in as an "Old Fashioned" guy.
> First) whats wrong with waiting? Are you that insecure in your self esteem that you have to have your woman throwing herself at you everyday to feel manly? Let me shed some light, when you are married the rate of sex drops through the floor cause you both are busy fighting on different fronts as a unit. So, many times you are just flat out too exhausted to even think of doing the horizontal mambo.
> 
> Second) Back in my day that means the woman has some self respect if she has the ability to abstain from having to be physical to get a guys attention. She made a guy work to be able to have relations with her. This doesn't happen nearly as much. have you noticed how much today's men and boys look like slobs? this is cause the women of today don't make the guys work. They are too easy.
> ...


I would say its fine for a person to save sex for that special person, even with waiting till the wedding night. I wouldn't personally be in a relationship like that, but I would respect someone's decision to do that.

What's not fine is to go at it like bunnies for 4 months, and THEN decide to slow things way down. That has shades of "bait and switch" written all over it. But maybe that's just my cynical attitude...

Just my thoughts...

C


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

OR.... 

She really is worried that it's going to get old and stale at the rate you've been going. She may also be worried about being taken for granted. Two very legitimate worries I've heard women voice before.

So please don't leap to some of the paranoid conclusions that have already been suggested here.

Talk to her. If she's not worth a discussion to you, then I guess end it.


And BTW, if she's not worth at least a discussion, you two shouldn't be having sex anyway.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Circlecast said:


> Let me throw my two cents in as an "Old Fashioned" guy.
> First) whats wrong with waiting? Are you that insecure in your self esteem that you have to have your woman throwing herself at you everyday to feel manly? Let me shed some light, when you are married the rate of sex drops through the floor cause you both are busy fighting on different fronts as a unit. So, many times you are just flat out too exhausted to even think of doing the horizontal mambo.
> 
> Second) Back in my day that means the woman has some self respect if she has the ability to abstain from having to be physical to get a guys attention. She made a guy work to be able to have relations with her. This doesn't happen nearly as much. have you noticed how much today's men and boys look like slobs? this is cause the women of today don't make the guys work. They are too easy.
> ...


They've been having sex almost everyday for almost 4 months, they did NOT wait to have sex.
Now she wants to wait 30 days after giving it up like it was going out of style.
I'd understand waiting if she had actually done that from the beginning, no point in changing horses mid stream now.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She's bored and wants to try something to see if it helps her.


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## iheartlamps (Jan 4, 2009)

Well I can't just dump her and ditch her. We just signed a lease on a new apartment and have been living together for 2 weeks now. I will simply talk with her and attempt a compromise. I don't like having a woman manipulate sex, the situation has made me a little mad, but this is without a doubt the best relationship I've ever been in. Thanks for all the advice, she did say today she thinks sometimes I just use her for sex so I guess I need to show her I care for her and show her I appreciate her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

iheartlamps said:


> Well I can't just dump her and ditch her.* We just signed a lease on a new apartment and have been living together for 2 weeks now.* I will simply talk with her and attempt a compromise. I don't like having a woman manipulate sex, the situation has made me a little mad, but this is without a doubt the best relationship I've ever been in. Thanks for all the advice, *she did say today she thinks sometimes I just use her for sex *so I guess I need to show her I care for her and show her I appreciate her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well now isn't that interesting, she waits until AFTER you move in with her to a leased apt to tell you she wants to hold off on sex.
Do you not see that she essentially "trapped" you, she got you to commit using sex as her bait & now she's going to take away the bait.
As the very least she doesn't understand that men connect with the women they love through sex, time for her to understand that having sex is how YOU show you care & appreciate her.
If she doesn't understand the bonding that sex does in a relationship, I forsee many issues in your relationship going forward.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Circlecast said:


> I understand and that is what we use to do to as a test try going a full month with out intimate contact. It is tough no kissing, no holding hands, etc. What this does is causes you to find other ways to connect on a more emotional level


In a healthy relationship you don't do this AFTER you have sex for 4 months. 
That's like shutting the barn door after the horses get out, you don't go backwards.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

iheartlamps said:


> Well I can't just dump her and ditch her. *We just signed a lease on a new apartment and have been living together for 2 weeks now.* I will simply talk with her and attempt a compromise. I don't like having a woman manipulate sex, the situation has made me a little mad, but this is without a doubt the best relationship I've ever been in. Thanks for all the advice, *she did say today she thinks sometimes I just use her for sex so I guess I need to show her I care for her and show her I appreciate her.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You`re being played like a cheap piano.

Poor bastard.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I think this is the clue:-



> she did say today she thinks sometimes I just use her for sex so I guess I need to show her I care for her and show her I appreciate her.


But she should have told you this before you moved in together. Once in a committed relationship (particularly living together), withholding sex without good reason is manipulative, IMO.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Provided you have the patience, you can try to wait her out. But given her explanation, the vast majority of the possible answers just loudly screams that there is a problem with her/you that does not really bode that well for you.

On the other hand, if you wait to enter into a married relationship with this woman, then the _status quo _would only be a sheer preview of all of the hell that you would find yourself richly entwined in.

Have the talk with her~ and if there is no discernible change in her attitude, and given that you're single with no kids, it would greatly be time to move on, to a woman who would love and respect you with her whole heart. You deserve so much better, my friend!


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> I think this is the clue:-
> 
> 
> 
> But she should have told you this before you moved in together. *Once in a committed relationship (particularly living together), withholding sex without good reason is manipulative, *IMO.



:iagree:

If she had problems with the speed of the relationship,then she could have said so _before the house._
You have already committed to living together,and you signed a lease!
If I were you,I would tell her to take all the time she wants....
But, I will move on. [ Don't sit and wait.]
When she figures out her stuff,then she can call me,
If I'm still available.


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

Read all the threads on here from frustrated men and women who are dealing with partners who essentially stopped having sex with them after certain relationship milestones. 

Do you want to be one of these people? Do you actually think things are going to get better? 

She's just not that into you sexually.* You're not in the same relationship with her that she's in with you.* You need to "man up" in the sense of taking control of your life (not to be gender-specific, it's just an expression; I advise the same sort of attitude to the women who have this problem).

When you leave her - and you should - some people will tell you how shallow you are for leaving over "just" sex. 
Be better than to listen to that kind of stuff. You're an adult. Sex is important to many healthy adults.
*Sex with you is not important to her. *
The end.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Circlecast said:


> Actually it is good to do after 4 months of sex that way you find out where you are in your relationship. Again I am old school who believes that relationships should be heading toward marriage. I know this is crazy talk in todays society where terms like hooking up are just "normal". I am one who believes that this is one of the reasons our country is in the state that it is as of now but this is a marriage forum and not a political forum so I will avoid that mine field as much as I can.
> ray:


That makes absolutely no sense & is terrible advice.
If you're so concerned about making an emotional connection in a relationship, keep it in your pants & have sex afterward.
I think it's THAT mentality that is the reason why we have the issues we do.
To me it's like using birth control AFTER you get PG, completely worthless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

My initial feeling on this is not really consistent with most other comments.

You say she has mentioned a few times that she does not want sex to get routine & boring- 4 months of sex all the time can get to be overkill for some & maybe she simply wants to take a little break.

I do think a month is pretty long, but as a girl who's been there, she probably just wants to get back into it when she's craving it again. 

Personally, if my H & I go hard for a few days in a row, I'm happy & so satisfied for a few days, then, I yearn for that deep connection once again.

I am not saying she wants a break from 'you,' just constant sex.

She may have been appeasing you by being overly sexual because she thought you liked it & she most likely did too- but maybe it got to be more than she could handle comfortably.
I don't necessarily think she's being deceptive or purposefully hurtful.

That particular frequency might just be too much for her, no biggie. Relationships are about communicating these things & adjusting so both people are happy.

How would you feel if sex was a bit less often, still okay & satisfied?

Make sure you have a cool conversation with her asking calmly why she wants time 'off.'

Find out her thoughts/feelings- it may be as simple as adjusting & being open to eachothers needs.
I would not worry too much, honestly! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

Circlecast said:


> Are you that insecure in your self esteem that you have to have your woman throwing herself at you everyday to feel manly?
> 
> She made a guy work to be able to have relations with her.


Are you serious?? REALLY? NO ONE SHOULD MAKE ANYONE WORK FOR THE OPTION OF SEX!!!

The only work that should be done for sex is the 9-5 job to get home..

You don't open the well, just to get the village hooked on your water and then have them jump threw hoops for a drink...Thats not only mean, but its wrong.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

iheartlamps;891096I've been out of town for a week and last night she texted me that she thinks we should wait a month before we have sex again.[/quote said:


> IMO, she's cheating on you. Women enjoy sex just as much as men enjoy sex. Not wanting sex from you means she's getting it from someone else.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

On another note- I have asked my bf, now husband, if we could take a break at a few points in our marriage when I felt a need to re-charge..he totally understood.
Every situation is different, but I would not say I'm a psychopath for asking to chill for a bit. I was & am every bit in love with him & wanted/want him just the same.
Seriously, sometimes we women...and yes, even men, just need to re-charge. By no means does that make a person psycho!
OP, be careful not to go crazy worrying about it- get a good convo in with her & find out for yourself what's up. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think you need to give her some respect here and not just jump to the conclusion that she is playing games or manipulating. She has said that she is concerned about sex becoming boring.

She’s told you the problem. IT’s becoming boring and monotonous to her. My guess is that the frequency is getting to her as well. It takes time for a woman’s body to build up the hormones needed to want sex. 

I’ve been through this where I went through a time of very high frequency of sex and came to a point where I did not want it for a while… a few days. And yes it felt boring at that point. Given a few days to recharge and I was back to the wanting it daily.

If you think she’s manipulative… drop her. She does not need a man who thinks she is manipulative any more than you need a manipulative woman. 

If you respect her and trust her than work with her. If you respect her request for no sex for a month, I’ll bet she does not last a month. The respect alone will be a turn on.

One thing that would really help the two of you at this stage of your relationship is to take this time out and do some relationship building things. Take a look at the links in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. Get the books, read them together and do the work they tell you to do. One of the books, “His Needs, Her Needs” has you both list your needs. This will give you both a chance to discuss your needs in the way of how often to have sex, etc.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

Based on your comments, she regrets allowing the relationship to be based solely on lust & is now looking for that deeper connection that every union requires for longevity. Yes, sexual intimacy is an important basis to every relationship but cannot solely survive on it.

In all honesty she is out of step, especially to sign on the dotted line before determining a deeper connection level within this relationship. I personally would never have entered into an agreement before knowing my guy was fully committed...mind, body & soul.

I know you’re not in this relationship just for the sex otherwise you wouldn't have taken the time to come to this site, but you need to reassure her of this fact, I also do not think she is double dipping, probably insecure & needing to know exactly where you stand, try a little romancing without focusing on lust for a week or two, show her the other side of you.

If she then rejects you....move on, sexual intimacy is not a bargaining tool, I would only cut her the slack this one time but after you outwardly show your commitment to her by your actions & attempts of that deeper connection I would make this fact clear to her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

iheartlamps,

How many hours a week to you spend with her doing datelike things? Not just hanging around the apartment but doing things together that are fun (not sex)?


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

Needpeace said:


> Based on your comments, she regrets allowing the relationship to be based solely on lust & is now looking for that deeper connection that every union requires for longevity.


So you're saying that she has demoted him from "boyfriend" to just "friend"





> I know you’re not in this relationship just for the sex otherwise you wouldn't have taken the time to come to this site, but *you need to reassure her of this fact*


Not being able to detect love is an indication that she has brain damage. It could be genetic, and your future kids might be emotionally dulled as well.

Emotional lateralization - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


> Frontal Lobe:
> Patients with inferior frontal lobe damage produce less and less intense facial expression when presented with emotional stimuli, and they also have problems reading fear and disgust in other people. People with left inferior frontal lobe damage produced less facial expression and could not analyze emotional situations as well as those with right frontal lobe damage especially with fear and disgust.[n 9] The left inferior frontal gyrus (IFG) plays an important role in anger while the right IFG plays a larger role in disgust.[13]
> 
> Temporal Lobe
> The right superior temporal gyrus was the most significantly activated area during the processing happiness.[13] The right superior temporal gyrus increasingly responds to an increasingly happy stimuli, while the left pulvinar increasingly responds to increasingly fearful stimuli.[n 10] The right pulvinar is activated during aversive conditioning.[n 5]


It's possible this brain damage is caused by living a normal life. Humans have unusually large brains and unusually small skulls to contain them, so the brain can crash into the skull with just a little bit of force. Damage to the temporal lobes is often caused by car crashes or falls. Damage to the frontal lobes can be caused by crashes and falls but also sports. Football players and boxers tend to have really messed up frontal lobes and it causes them to have behaviour problems. Fights start over nothing because they feel insulted when someone asks how their day was.

It's fairly easy to tell if someone has brain damage. Aside from unknowingly doing things that are hurtful or manipulative, they can have trouble understanding jokes, irony, and sarcasm. Each of these rely on emotional context. The literal and implied meaning of what is said might be polar opposites, and the only way to tell them apart is by detecting subtle non-verbal cues. Example: an Asian man says to his white friends "I can't tell if that's Jane. All white people look the same." A person with frontal lobe damage would feel very insulted after hearing that, but a person without brain damage might laugh.
This is the reason it's important you and your significant other have the same sense of humor.


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

Elegirl & Needpeace have excellent points...
Shawn D..I'm sorry, but are you actually trying to help? 
In relationships, each person needs reassurance at times, no union is perfection, most people are aware of this.
That is not a symptom of brain damage. -.-
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

karma*girl said:


> In relationships, each person needs reassurance at times, no union is perfection, most people are aware of this.
> That is not a symptom of brain damage. -.-


I'm pretty sure most people don't need assurance of things. None of my girlfriend have ever given the "you don't love me" speech. They always knew that I loved them, even if I didn't say it. I've also never had to question how much my friends care about me. If they care about me, I know that they care about me. This is not some magic power I have. Most people have this ability. 

Brain science often boils down to describing what a region does based on what changes when that region is damaged. If a person suffers an injury to X part of the brain and suddenly they can't do Y, then it would make sense that X region is responsible for Y. Our best research says that people with damage to the right frontal lobe have great difficulty understanding emotions and non-verbal cues. If you do something nice like fill up the gas in your wife's car, a normal wife will see that as an act of love. A person with frontal lobe damage just sees that as filling the gas; they'll still claim "you need to express your love more!"


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

ShawnD said:


> So you're saying that she has demoted him from "boyfriend" to just "friend"
> 
> 
> Nice twist on my words. She is stepping back wanting to be sure the emotional connection is present, this does not mean "demotion", boyfriend status can be with or without sexual intimacy.
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ShawnD said:


> So you're saying that she has demoted him from "boyfriend" to just "friend"
> 
> ....


Your post is full on indication of brain damage..... (just saying)


None of us know the dynamics of the OP's relationship. His gf is not here to tell us the rest of the story. For all we know she has good reason for what she is thinking/feeling. To call her brain damaged is disrespectful. She has done nothing to you to warrent you calling her names.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ShawnD said:


> I'm pretty sure most people don't need assurance of things. None of my girlfriend have ever given the "you don't love me" speech. They always knew that I loved them, even if I didn't say it. I've also never had to question how much my friends care about me. If they care about me, I know that they care about me. This is not some magic power I have. Most people have this ability.
> 
> Brain science often boils down to describing what a region does based on what changes when that region is damaged. If a person suffers an injury to X part of the brain and suddenly they can't do Y, then it would make sense that X region is responsible for Y. Our best research says that people with damage to the right frontal lobe have great difficulty understanding emotions and non-verbal cues. If you do something nice like fill up the gas in your wife's car, a normal wife will see that as an act of love. A person with frontal lobe damage just sees that as filling the gas; they'll still claim "you need to express your love more!"


Are all those girls still your girlfriends? 


You have no clue what has gone on between the OP and his girlfriend. You posts are way out of line... to say that she has brain damage because she wants to take a break in sex is over the top.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

Needpeace said:


> Nice twist on my words. She is stepping back wanting to be sure the emotional connection is present, this does not mean "demotion", *boyfriend status can be with or without sexual intimacy*.


Nope. A man (or woman) you spend time with but don't sleep with is called a friend. 




> To suggest "Brain damage" based on the information supplied is totally unfounded


I'm not basing it on what the OP said. I'm basing that on what you said. A person would only need emotions to be verbally expressed if the non-verbal parts of their brain are damaged.



> Are all those girls still your girlfriends?


If you assume that all relationships end because a person doesn't feel loved, then.... I can't help you.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Doing without for a few days, or even a week would be one thing. But wanting to shut things down for a month, just after they moved in together two weeks ago (and he's been gone for a week of that), and doing it by text... That's quite another. And then to blame it on his behavior as well... 

Why did you guys move in together so quickly? How old are you two? And have you both had "significant" relationships in the past?

I'd suggest you two may want to look at improving your communication, too. Or was there a reason this topic wasn't brought up in person?

C


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Op please notice that every woman in your thread is telling you to give her what she wants while every man in your thread is telling you she's playing games/

This is because the men in this thread have played this game in your position and it NEVER ends well for the guy in your position.

If your GF isn't mature enough to handle a sexual relationship you will be the ine who pays for her education and she's obviously not mature enough OR she's playing games.

Dump her or regret it later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Circlecast said:


> Let me throw my two cents in as an "Old Fashioned" guy.
> First) whats wrong with waiting? Are you that insecure in your self esteem that you have to have your woman throwing herself at you everyday to feel manly? Let me shed some light, when you are married the rate of sex drops through the floor cause you both are busy fighting on different fronts as a unit. So, many times you are just flat out too exhausted to even think of doing the horizontal mambo.
> 
> Second) Back in my day that means the woman has some self respect if she has the ability to abstain from having to be physical to get a guys attention. She made a guy work to be able to have relations with her. This doesn't happen nearly as much. have you noticed how much today's men and boys look like slobs? this is cause the women of today don't make the guys work. They are too easy.
> ...


No, there is nothing wrong with waiting.

But it's too late for that. She already has entrenched sex into the relationship.

It's like trying to unring a bell--doesn't work.

She should have thought of that BEFORE she started having sex with him.

Women have gotten a bad rap for way too long with women who use sex to manipulate and play games with men.

If she does it while they are dating, imagine what would happene when/if they got married.

I'm with the rest--game playing=relationship over.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Op please notice that every woman in your thread is telling you to give her what she wants while every man in your thread is telling you she's playing games/
> 
> This is because the men in this thread have played this game in your position and it NEVER ends well for the guy in your position.
> 
> ...


T,
Just to be clear, this woman didn't tell him to give her what she wants, I was with the majority of the men in this thread.
And I'm glad you brought up the maturity issue, I was thinking the same thing, she doesn't seem to understand the ramifications of sex & what it means in a relationship.


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

I often totally agree with tacoma, except for here- because I have specific experience as a girl who has been in this situation, I know for a fact that her asking about taking a break doesn't mean imminent doom. 

Also, OP, keep in mind many of the members have been burned by their women & may not know how to handle a situation like this without over-reacting. 

Just trying to keep things in perspective by saying, yes a month seems long, ask why, get into her mind..she also should have told you how she was feeling in person.
In my personal case, I just needed a physical break..it's good to know our men won't run away when we need a breather. 
My former bf, (hubby now) was cool & said sure, he understood..but also expressed that he didn't want the break to last too long.

As long as she's willing to get back into it again, give the sexual monotony a bit of a rest.
If she IS truly into you, and you, her- it will only enrich your sexual relationship-plus she'll see you respect her feelings, which is huge to a woman.

If you truly are not compatible, then you will figure that out too.
Either way, you'll know where you stand after its said & done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

karma*girl said:


> I often totally agree with tacoma, except for here- because I have specific experience as a girl who has been in this situation, I know for a fact that her asking about taking a break doesn't mean imminent doom.
> 
> Also, OP, keep in mind many of the members have been burned by their women & may not know how to handle a situation like this without over-reacting.
> 
> ...


How long was your break, and how far were you in the relationship?

C


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

ShawnD said:


> Nope. A man (or woman) you spend time with but don't sleep with is called a friend.
> 
> I'm not basing it on what the OP said. I'm basing that on what you said. A person would only need emotions to be verbally expressed if the non-verbal parts of their brain are damaged.


I disagree, therefore, a woman is not exclusively your girfriend unless she puts out for you....interesting.

And if the non verbal actions are not displayed, the non-verbal parts of the brain will not detect them....nothing at all to do with "brain damage".


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It is a bit odd that she old him via text msg. But people do odd things sometimes.

The OP has not even been home to discuss things with her and some are telling him to just dump her, she's manipulative, etc.

The first line of action is that the OP needs to talk to her further and see what is going on.

Perhaps he could even have her come here and share.


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

PBear- it's happened off & on at various times- not terribly often, but enough to have experience.
Started while we were dating & going at it relentlessly, ha! A few more times throughout marriage.
It just has to do with reassessment & adjustment. When we feel off balance, we stop, refresh & go again when ready..It's possible to take a break with respect for the other if they need it.
Both of us get it & go with it with no fear..because we can trust eachother.
We are lucky to have eachother- neither one of us takes the other for granted in the sex/romance dept.
Not every woman uses sex to manipulate or have an upper hand, etc..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

karma*girl said:


> PBear- it's happened off & on at various times- not terribly often, but enough to have experience.
> Started while we were dating & going at it relentlessly, ha! A few more times throughout marriage.
> It just has to do with reassessment & adjustment. When we feel off balance, we stop, refresh & go again when ready..It's possible to take a break with respect for the other if they need it.
> Both of us get it & go with it with no fear..because we can trust eachother.
> ...


But how long were your breaks? A week? A month? Like I said, I could see taking a break for a week or so, or even slowing things down to a couple times a week for awhile. But sex is also one of the things that "connects" a couple, so killing it altogether is dangerous as well. It's very easy for things to slip into the "friendship zone".

And just to clarify, I don't think I said the OP should just drop the relationship. But that he should think carefully about it. And they should work on their communication.

C


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PBear said:


> But how long were your breaks? A week? A month? Like I said, I could see taking a break for a week or so, or even slowing things down to a couple times a week for awhile. But sex is also one of the things that "connects" a couple, so killing it altogether is dangerous as well. It's very easy for things to slip into the "friendship zone".
> 
> And just to clarify, I don't think I said the OP should just drop the relationship. But that he should think carefully about it. And they should work on their communication.
> 
> C


The question here is whether or not the OP is willing to sit down and talk to her and find out what is going on. 

We don't know what is going on between them at all. She should have the right in their relationship to express her feelings, needs, etc.

She might have just pulled a month out of the air... maybe what a week will do.

But let's say it's a month. And they work on the relationship for that month. And then they go on to be together for a life time. What is one month out of a lifetime?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> The question here is whether or not the OP is willing to sit down and talk to her and find out what is going on.
> 
> We don't know what is going on between them at all. She should have the right in their relationship to express her feelings, needs, etc.
> 
> ...


It's just very convenient that she's chosen now, two weeks after they've tied themselves together in a lease, to express her feelings about their relationship. She may not be playing games, but it sounds an awful lot like a "bait and switch". 

But yes, by all means he should sit down and talk to her before making a decision. But he also has a horse in this race, and shouldn't just meekly say "yes dear" just because she's got control of their sex life. Reading the "Married Man's Sex Life" and "No More Mr. Nice Guy" would be advised, even though they're not married.

C


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PBear said:


> It's just very convenient that she's chosen now, two weeks after they've tied themselves together in a lease, to express her feelings about their relationship. She may not be playing games, but it sounds an awful lot like a "bait and switch".
> 
> But yes, by all means he should sit down and talk to her before making a decision. But he also has a horse in this race, and shouldn't just meekly say "yes dear" just because she's got control of their sex life. Reading the "Married Man's Sex Life" and "No More Mr. Nice Guy" would be advised, even though they're not married.
> 
> C


There seems to be a tendency on these forums to see the other partner/spouse has having an 'evil' agenda. Usually poeple are not evil or mean but struggling to find a way to get their concerns heard.

We also have no idea what has been going on between the two of them. We seldom get the entire story.


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

Oh, Elegirl, I agree wholeheartedly. The tendency is often to assume the worst & to instill an 'all or nothing' mentality.

I agree that he should never say "yes dear," that would be completely useless.

Instead he needs to ask questions & express himself clearly to her, so they come to an understanding...if that doesn't happen, he can deal with it then.

PBear, we have gone a couple weeks at most, without sex...a month seems long, but they should decide together what would work for both of them.

For my husband & I, that couple weeks was good. 

We refreshed, recharged & wanted it bad again. 

Even guys can admit that you can have too much of a good thing sometimes.

It's not so bad to take a break..IF the relationship is healthy enough to handle it. 

If it's not healthy enough, sex should not be happening.

That is what he needs to figure out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Routine and boring? sounds to me like she is bored in general. if your sex life gets boring then something is definately wrong. what?! she should be so fortunate that you want to eff her all the time, some people want that so bad in a relationship and dont even get it. its a very important communication between each other. its an expression of your love.


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## Trinijewel (Sep 19, 2013)

Hi OP, 
I really have to disagree with most of the people on this thread. I myself have pressed the pause button on having sex in my relationship and it doesn't mean I was cheating or looking for it outside. 

When I first met my husband, he was so smokin' hot. I would jump him sometimes 2-3 times a day. But all that sex can really cloud ur judgement, sometimes u have to take a moment to allow the fog to clear from ur head, and trust me, if she has been giving it to u every day for the last 4 months, she will have just as hard a time keeping her hands off u as u will trying to stay off her. 

She may intend to wait a month but I give her a week max before she's on u again. Try to respect her tho' but u live together now so the temptation will be there and if u really want to push her, just do some push-ups or something in the living room with ur shirt off, just a little eye candy would probably get her blood hot.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

iheartlamps said:


> My girlfriend and I have been going out for 4 months, in that time we have been having sex almost every day. My girlfriend has mentioned a couple times she doesn't want sex to just become routine and boring. I've been out of town for a week and last night she texted me that she thinks we should wait a month before we have sex again.
> 
> This kind of through me off and for some reason it's really bothering me. A part of me feels insulted and another part questions our compatibility. I've gone long stints without sex while single. It just seems odd to me to ration out and hold off on sex.
> 
> ...


My wife and I have been married for about 8 years now but the sex has been terrible for at least the past 2 years, and so far in 2013 we have made love/had sex a grand whopping total of..........._twice this year._


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Dump her.
> 
> Never deal with any woman playing games with or manipulating you with sex.
> 
> I repeat....dump her.


I couldn't agree more.

It's not about having or not having sex. 

It's that this woman uses it as a tool in the relationship. That is a trait that spells DOOM for any long term relationship.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> There seems to be a tendency on these forums to see the other partner/spouse has having an 'evil' agenda. Usually poeple are not evil or mean but struggling to find a way to get their concerns heard.
> 
> We also have no idea what has been going on between the two of them. We seldom get the entire story.


Soooo true. I think because there's a vast majority of issues that deal with infidelity, there tends to be a mob/witch trial approach to discussions.

I do think your GF is being manipulative with sex. I think if she was concerned about the sex becoming monotonous etc. I would've expected her to have a sit down, adult conversation about it that centered on the ability for both of you to air your individual concerns about the topic. Instead she sends a text. Brings up a MONTH pause, just AFTER moving in together.....sorry it doesn't add up.

When my wife and I moved in together for the first time. We went at it like rabbits. We wanted to "christen" every room and piece of furniture. She would meet me at the door in fun outfits. Eventually it slowed down, but not as a conscious decision to "take a break".


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> There seems to be a tendency on these forums to see the other partner/spouse has having an 'evil' agenda. Usually poeple are not evil or mean but struggling to find a way to get their concerns heard.
> 
> We also have no idea what has been going on between the two of them. We seldom get the entire story.


My evil-o-meter was pegged for two reasons. One, the timing, and two, the method. Unless my stupid-o-meter is also pegged (read, she has no clue about the significance of the timing or the significance of the delivery method) the evil-o-meter is all I need to see.

In this case timing was 80% and delivery 20%. Unless there was another text we're not privy to, indicating she is deployed to Afghanistan for a month for National Guard duty or a corporate TDY, the ruling on the field stands IMHO.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Sounds like you two have been going at it pretty good in the bedroom, but she SEEMS to be saying that she is feeling a little neglected outside of sex. Be careful to have intimacy that is separate from sex. You can't always just mall her like a bear for sex. You need intimacy in the relationship that is just that intimacy. She should be getting intimacy every day, but sex less often. I would recommend that you refrain and see how long it is before she initiates sex. This will give you a gauge for her drive limits.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)




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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

iheartlamps said:


> I don't like having a woman manipulate sex/ she did say today she thinks sometimes I just use her for sex so I guess I need to show her I care for her and show her I appreciate her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't marry her. 

If moving in with her causes her to withold imagine what a ring on her finger will do
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Keep in mind that this thread was a year old before it was resurrected... I do hope the OP comes back and let's us know how things have been going!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

PHTlump said:


>


DANG! I got sucked in because I looked at the date of the post previous to mine, but not the original...

<Hangs head in shame for feeding the zombies>


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Have you both made an effort to grow your relationship in other ways during the first 4 months? Is sex the only thing you do together?

Maybe she's worried that sex is all you have and she wants to build a more solid foundation?

Not necessarily going about it the right way, and she should be communicating this to you, but maybe there's a reason, she might not be "playing you".

You won't know until you ask her.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

sorry I didn't realize it was a dead thread!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

iheartlamps said:


> Well I can't just dump her and ditch her. We just signed a lease on a new apartment and have been living together for 2 weeks now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So typical.

OP you're being screwed with.

Get out of that lease, bait & switch for sure.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

OMG (at the responses)

Not sure what to even say...

I do find it kind of weird that she text you this.. it's a little different then saying "Honey I have a UTI.. no sex for 2 weeks while I'm on antibiotics" vs... just no sex cause it will get boring.. and in a text?

Bigger question is- why are you moving in with this person after 4 months, and have you looked at this relationship critically?

Was this something rushed or did she need a roommate/vs?

I think the way this was said is weird, and why such a specific time?

I would talk to her out of the bedroom, and do make sure that you are not spending all your time in bed- you do take her on dates etc.


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## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

So this thread is a year old, did she hold out on sex for a year? :scratchhead:


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

Well he got married to a different girl and here is what he posted in a thread of his in 10 of 2012

That being said we are in love, I have never felt like this about anyone in my entire life. At first I thought our relationship quite odd, but now I love the fact that she is my wife. She brings out the best in me and I love her so much.

Our issue is that I love when we have sex. I suppose I have a high sex drive, I could easily have sex everyday, multiple times per day and love it. My wife is more content to a few times a week or so. There is no real quantifiable number. She just doesn't like that I initiate so much and want to always have sex with her. It really bothers her. She thinks we need to have less sex and make it more quality then quantity. I don't see why we can't have both. She has explained to me has multiple times I have tried to have sex with her when she is not in the mood, but because I am persistent she gives in just to get me to stop. It's hard for me to not hit on her and want to be with her, she is incredibly beautiful and intoxicating. I hate that she feels this way though and it hurts me that the situation is the way it is. When she does reject me she says I get upset and end up pouting. She's not wrong, I don't like being rejected. It hurts my feelings. I know it is something I need to work on though.


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## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

Thank you Madman1, so that is an improvement I guess. Thanks for the update. We should all be so lucky to have these "problems."


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

improvement?? idk 

Read same thing.. 

And omg I need to start looking at DATES!


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## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

bunny23 said:


> improvement?? idk
> 
> Read same thing..
> 
> And omg I need to start looking at DATES!


:rofl: I know, I go to comment and the thread will be over a year old.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I think he married the same girl but it is an old thread. It sounds like a HD/LD mismatch to me.


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