# Lack of empathy and sympathy



## Jeffk (Nov 15, 2014)

I found out that my dad has stage 4 melanoma in September. Since that time my wife has been very cold to me about the subject every time I bring it up. Really the only thing she has done is bring me a flyer from a Hospice provider and say "here, they said you could call any time." She told me the other morning that "I don't care what's going on with him, the next time I will see him is at his funeral." I don't want her at my dad's funeral and here's why. Her dad died of lung cancer a couple of years ago. I tried my best to comfort her while he was going through his chemotherapy and showed her all the love and support I could. I even took her to see him when his time was short so she could say her good bye's (we live 6 hrs away from them.) My question is am I right for not wanting her to go to his funeral ? I honestly feel like I should get as far away from her as possible. I dont want to be married to such a cold hearted person.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You don't give any info about your W's personality, the state of your relationship with her or her relationship with your Dad. It doesn't sound very nice. What are you looking for, just to vent or do have a question?


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Why are you still married?

this can't be happy for all involved, and what is holding you back?

For everyones benefits, pull the trigger already, and perhaps everyone involved will be happier.

She probably wants you to divorce her, and she doesn't want the guilt of doing it.

Probably the same goes for you, where you want her to do it.

I think you want someone to tell you to do it.

You know that your relationship is done, but what is holding you back?


----------



## Jeffk (Nov 15, 2014)

My wife has had a very strained to say the least, type of relationship with my parents. I am not being sympathetic to my parents because they have caused some problems too. My wife refuses to forgive and forget after several attempts by my parents to make things right. The reason I haven't divorced her is that I know she will screw me. She will do everything in her power to make my life even more miserable than it is. She is a very, conniving, deceitful person. This personality didn't show until we were already married of course.


----------



## Jeffk (Nov 15, 2014)

I guess what I am looking for is to vent and get a little advice. Part of me wants to tell her to take your s*** and get the f*** out. She says she loves me, but there are so many ways I don't see that love that she says she has.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Jeff - if I can make a suggestion. Stick to one thread so folks can get a clear focus of the whole picture. You've started three threads now that tell small anecdotes of the same larger problem-- your wife's disrepect for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Jeffk said:


> I guess what I am looking for is to vent and get a little advice. Part of me wants to tell her to take your s*** and get the f*** out. She says she loves me, but there are so many ways I don't see that love that she says she has.


How about you start to love yourself a little?

Have you read NMMNG or Hold on to Your N.U.T.s yet?

BTW, sorry about your Dad. I lost mine twenty years ago to cancer. Still miss him.


----------



## Jeffk (Nov 15, 2014)

Here's another thing. Her parents didn't like me. I don't know why, I guess they didn't think I was good enough for their daughter. Her mom was ok to me at times, but her dad would hardly speak to me. As hard, and awkward for me to be there while her dad was lying in bed dying. I was there. Not for her family but for her. I was there when he took his last breath. Now, she is telling me that she doesn't care about what is going on with my dad, well, I have decided that it is time to go. I can't continue in an unhappy relationship. I just can't do it.


----------



## Jeffk (Nov 15, 2014)

Sorry, PhillyGuy, I actually didn't know I was doing that. I just need someone to talk to and I have no one.


----------



## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Jeffk said:


> Sorry, PhillyGuy, I actually didn't know I was doing that. I just need someone to talk to and I have no one.


My wife was the same.. I heard about her dads cancer every day for a year.. I was researching.. Trying to help.. Looking things up.. trying to get him free drugs, etc..At the end of the day she tells people I was not supportive enough,,

I told her earlier this year my dad did not have much time left..What did she do? Never even asked what he has.. Never asked again how he is doing.. And she started an affair which led to our divorce..

perhaps she is a bit of a narcissist..Nothing you can really do to change these people.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Jeffk said:


> Sorry, PhillyGuy, I actually didn't know I was doing that. I just need someone to talk to and I have no one.


Talk as much as you need to. That's what this place is for...


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Here is where you use stealth and cunning.

Record every conversation you have with her.

Just in case she reports abuse.

Get your financial house in order.

See a lawyer.

Perhaps trick her with a separation, saying you need space, and get it legally done.

Seek a support system around you.

While separated, sstill record all conversation, texts, emails. 

Improve you and work hard. 

Get a custody agreement while getting separated.

Once time has elapse, check to see if she is working on herself.

If she is making your life hell, surprise her with a divorce, and go dark.

Always be cool, calm, and collective around her.

The more you are, the more likely she will go crazy not being able to get a response from you.


----------



## Jeffk (Nov 15, 2014)

Thank you Anchorwatch, I have so many thoughts and emotions running through my head right now. I failed to mention this earlier. I was diagnosed with epilepsy the day I found out about my dad, so it has been a very tough ride. I actually lost my job because when I told my boss that I had epilepsy. So, yes, I am a little stressed.


----------



## Jeffk (Nov 15, 2014)

Actually Fisty, thats exactly what I've been sitting here doing. 
I have a partial plan in place, and like you said, I am going to be calm and collected about it. Then when I feel the time is right, I am going to drop the bomb so to speak.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Don't be too proud to ask for some help, Jeff. It sounds like you could use it right now. Counseling, MD, or clergy. Just to keep you centered, till you can square things away.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Jeffk said:


> I found out that my dad has stage 4 melanoma in September. Since that time my wife has been very cold to me about the subject every time I bring it up. Really the only thing she has done is bring me a flyer from a Hospice provider and say "here, they said you could call any time." She told me the other morning that "I don't care what's going on with him, the next time I will see him is at his funeral." I don't want her at my dad's funeral and here's why. Her dad died of lung cancer a couple of years ago. I tried my best to comfort her while he was going through his chemotherapy and showed her all the love and support I could. I even took her to see him when his time was short so she could say her good bye's (we live 6 hrs away from them.) My question is am I right for not wanting her to go to his funeral ? I honestly feel like I should get as far away from her as possible. I dont want to be married to such a cold hearted person.


She has baggage from her dad's recent death but that should make her step up for you now. Instead she seems self focused. Maybe she has resentment aimed at your from her dad's passing.

First things first. Tell her what you think about it.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Jeffk said:


> I guess what I am looking for is to vent and get a little advice. Part of me wants to tell her to take your s*** and get the f*** out. *She says she loves me, but there are so many ways I don't see that love that she says she has.*


Actions define love; words on re enforce the actions.


----------



## Jeffk (Nov 15, 2014)

Yes, I seriously do need some counseling. She's already told me she won't go, says it won't help. If I go, it will be for me.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Jeffk said:


> The reason I haven't divorced her is that I know she will screw me. She will do everything in her power to make my life even more miserable than it is. She is a very, conniving, deceitful person. This personality didn't show until we were already married of course.


 So by hanging around you think it will get any better? All your doing is increasing your torture. 

If it were me, the first thing I would do is buy a VAR when you hand her the divorce papers and have that VAR running and each and every time you have to talk to her have it recorded. Then if she tries to screw you with lies or deceit, then you have the proof you need.

One other thing, if I were you I would consult a lawyer and ask if what your employer did was legal. Chances are you can get your job back but you should check out legal advice on it.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Jeffk said:


> Sorry, PhillyGuy, I actually didn't know I was doing that. I just need someone to talk to and I have no one.


No worries man. Don't be afraid to post your whole story in one thread. From what I can see your wife is very disrepectul to you and seems to suffer from severe depression. Hope everything works out for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Jeffk said:


> The reason I haven't divorced her is that I know she will screw me. She will do everything in her power to make my life even more miserable than it is. She is a very, conniving, deceitful person. .


This reason is invalid. You need to realize this type of person will escalate your misery off the chart when the chance arises even if you stay with her. 

You have nothing to lose by ditching the hag, and more to lose if you stay with her. 

Lawyer up and make a game plan. 

Relish the day when you will be able to blindside the harpy with divorce papers.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

JeffK, my W mom died of cancer at age 50. Her father died of cancer at age 55. I consoled and supported her in both. My folks lived to 75 and 74 respectively. She consoled me as best she could. For her, a dying parent or anyone she became kind of indifferent. She had a cordial relationship with my parents. I understood her indifference. Her folks were taken at a young age. I did not fault her for being more attentive to me being consoled. She attended the funerals. Came to the hospital once when my dad made his last stand. Offered to go to my moms house after my sister found her dead on the kitchen floor. But again, she was indifferent about it. I understood. We realized that after my mom passed it was just me and her to face the world. Carry on like our parents did when their parents passed. 

I believe your W indifference to this situation is similar in nature.


----------

