# When do you forgive?



## naomiguelph (Dec 22, 2012)

We have been together for 13 years, 6 of which have been horrible. Everything was fine until the birth of our daughter 6 years ago. I have often said to myself that before her birth I could do no wrong and after her birth I could do no right. My husband is Israeli and we were living in Israel when our daughter was born. It took me about a year to understand that he was emotionally abusing me, another year to understand that I couldn't change the situation and another year to succeed in moving back to Canada "as a family". 
Among his faults...
1. Although he threatened to not allow our daughter to leave Israel, he finally allowed it.
2. He got mad at me when I was sick, most notably when i collapsed with pneumonia and he walked away, muttering how weak I was.
3. He took away my car, belittled my friends in front of them, cut off ties with his family (which was my main source of socialization).
4. Continually and constantly criticized me.
5. Refused to have sex with me.

I am now 43 and he is 66. He has 4 children from 3 previous marriages and he has left each of them when the children were about 9 years old. I was hoping that he would voluntarily leave me, but he's old now and knows that he can't get another quality woman.
I have been fully supporting the household for 1.5 years because he feels that "I owe him" since he supported me when our daughter was born. He sold his business for 1.5M and continues to make investments.
Finally, I plucked up the courage to tell him I want a divorce. He told me that if I want to leave, I'll have to leave the house but he also strongly encouraged me to re-consider my decision. He vows that he is a changed man and that he would not treat me like that again. Before he treated me so badly, I accepted his faults (age, weakened leg from polio, religion, children, language, country) but now I see all his faults.
Can I forgive him? Should I forgive him?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I don't think this is your real question

"Can I forgive him? Should I forgive him"

Go see a tough lawyer. Your husband has shown what he is capable of in all three of his marriages. Secure yourself financially, protect your child and move on. Your husband can fight you or evidence though consistent daily actions that he is a changed man and he loves you. 

Reading your own words your marriage has not been a great one and I see no improvement in the future .

If you had a crystal ball how would you see your future? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## naomiguelph (Dec 22, 2012)

Thank you Eli-Zor,
I actually don't know what my real question is because i feel as if I might be "jumping from the frying pan into the fire". How will my daughter grow up without a father? I will assume that he will move back to israel if I succeed in getting him out of the house (fingers crossed). Will I find my life easier or harder? Since my daughter is only 6 and my husband is retired, he has agreed to drop her off at school and pick her up everyday, which is a huge worry off my mind (I work fulltime). As well, I enjoy yoga which means that when my daughter goes to bed, I get to leave the house for my classes. All this will change if my husband leaves. It's an understatement to say that it's hard being a single parent - I've seen it and it's not pretty sometimes.
So what is the advantage to not forgiving him?


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## LiamN (Nov 5, 2012)

One way to answer this question for yourself is to imagine your daughter grown up and in the same situation as you. If she came to you for advice what would you say she should do? 
Usually it comes down to a decision between your heart and your head - and how willing you are to face the fears that are stopping you from living your true life (which is the only way you will ever be truly happy).


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> So what is the advantage to not forgiving him?


NONE


Forgiveness does NOT mean that you do not get yourself in the best position to help yourself and your daughter. In fact it is your responsibility to do so.


*True forgiveness releases you from your anger and resentments. Forgiveness helps you the most*[/COLOR]


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