# My Devastation ...Her Affair



## Newguy123 (Sep 6, 2018)

I am new to the site and have read many of the touching stories that each of you have posted, thank you for the therapy. I have been happily married for 14 years with a 10 y/o son. About 6 months ago my wife started acting different. She was nagging and nitpicking on things that normally don’t bother her. When I asked her what was wrong she blamed it on stresses of work or our son needing attention. Our sex life seemed fine to me and we were spending time together but the vague communication was bothersome. Of course I stepped it up at home: laundry, house work, listening to problems and taking care of our son to give her free time to clear her head. Things seemed to get better as we took a trip and reconnected. When we returned the time with friends increased and so did the work hours. I had no reason not to believe her but when she started being mean once agian, I asked to go to MC because she would not open up to me. She said “no” to MC, didn’t want to be told what to do? We attended MC 4 years before (ironically she was acting similar) and it helped. She continued to be distant, telling me it was stress and maybe just unhappiness. I thought she was depressed maybe hormonal but at 39? The time away from home continued and so did her negatively towards me. I decided to hire a PI and found out she was indeed in an affair. She has been spending time with a man who was separated and 10 years older. I gathered evidence: video and pictures to make certain it was an affair because I had confirmed months of lies and I knew a denial was imminent. I was devistated, she was the woman of my dreams and we were the perfect couple: health, money, happiness and professional success. For three weeks I watched lie after lie...this was so hard but I finally confronted her. She said it was emotional, yet I have pictures of them kissing and her pulling in and out of his garage? I did not believe her...no way! I know they spent seven overnights together while I was traveling during the 6 months. She also confirmed that it was him 4 years ago (still claiming it was only emotional) when were in counseling before (I can’t make this up). She begged for forgiveness and wanted to try and work things out...I wanted to believe her for my son and our future. She seemed remorseful for about 3 days and then she was “confirmed” back to spending time with him and the lies. I couldn’t believe it, but once a cheat always a cheat! This site has proven that to me over and over. I asked for a divorce that will financially devastate me...can you believe our laws? I have been so depressed and sad for the last month, but I finally realized I don’t want to be with someone who lies, cheats, manipulates and puts her selfish needs in front of me and our son. She moved out as we are working through the divorce and I am looking for strength and guidance to manage. She has told our friends and family that I am driving the divorce over an emotional affair...obviously she lies to everyone, I know the truth but this is very bothersome. I have lost my family, son and financial security all because of her selfishness. Once again, I know this is right for me...I would never take her back..EVER! I am just lost and looking for strength each and everyday. I am a good person and father, this was therapeutic sharing my story...thoughts???


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Newguy123 said:


> Once again, I know this is right for me...I would never take her back..EVER! I am just lost and looking for strength each and everyday. I am a good person and father, this was therapeutic sharing my story...thoughts???


You are a strong man. I always counsel strength, courage, and decisive action. The people who do this are the only ones who come out healed. You are doing this and I commend you.

Stick to your guns, and I would let those who care know the reality behind your driving the divorce. She is a liar and a traitor. You owe her nothing.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I feel for you. Although not a wife, it was my fiancé of 5 years who had an affair when I was in combat thinking of getting back to her and marrying upon my return. How could I trust someone who has proven themselves untrustworthy? How do I believe someone who so easily lied to my face with sincerity in her eyes? Well I did not. I moved on and found a wonderful women who is my wife for 46 years. I do not care what they say about marriage counseling. A tiger cannot changer her stripes.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Typical lieing, cheating sexual affair.

Get strong and follow through. You've wasted enough of your life on this worthless venture as it is.

It is not the end of your world. Perhaps it's the beginning if you make it so.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Newguy123 said:


> She moved out as we are working through the divorce and I am looking for strength and guidance to manage. She has told our friends and family that I am driving the divorce over an emotional affair...obviously she lies to everyone, I know the truth but this is very bothersome. I have lost my family, son and financial security all because of her selfishness. Once again, I know this is right for me...I would never take her back..EVER! I am just lost and looking for strength each and everyday. I am a good person and father, this was therapeutic sharing my story...thoughts???


Friends and family know it was more than an emotional affair. She's trying to do damage control and minimize the impact on her. Her immediate family may buy it because blood is thicker than water but don't let it bother you. She's not going to garner much sympathy admitting to "only" an EA anyway and will probably start changing the story anyway. Keep moving forward. None of this is what you wanted, you'll endure it and come out stronger in the end.


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## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

Hey Newguy, totally understand where you are coming from. Found out my STBXW had an affair (married +20 years), so I feel your pain. Google emotional stages of divorce, and this will give you an idea of the ups and downs that happen on a day to day basis. 


All I will say around guidance is listen to people like Honcho and Marc878, they will help you out. They are tough and honest, sometimes we don't want to hear certain things or maybe we are not ready to...but failing to take guidance will only prolong your agony...Failure to listen especially to Marc878, you will end up going through a lot of "bag of nickels" shots...see video...


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

There's a lot her to address but am most interested in why you have said you lost your son? Why do you say that?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

You might want to tell her, you have hard evidence of her cheating and you intend to show everyone if she continues to lie....sorry you find yourself here....


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## Newguy123 (Sep 6, 2018)

*My Devastation...Her Affair*

Just realized I spelled devastation wrong...gzzz, I hope for a pass 🙂
I am working for joint custody...I am use to seeing my son everyday. I guess I should not have said I lost him completely, but 50% of the time. So sad based on her decisions


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your son is old enough to know the truth in a sanitized way. Don't lie or keep him in the dark.

Your 50% can be focused time. He needs one sane parent in his life.

The truth fixes a lot of things.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

*Re: My Devastation...Her Affair*



Newguy123 said:


> Just realized I spelled devastation wrong...gzzz, I hope for a pass 🙂
> I am working for joint custody...I am use to seeing my son everyday. I guess I should not have said I lost him completely, but 50% of the time. So sad based on her decisions


Sorry Newguy, sounds like we have a lot in common with our situations. I went through 14 months of Hell and it's still somewhat early in my process but it does get better but it's almost impossible to imagine that where you are at now. My EW had an affair with OM in 2009, I really didn't realize what it was at the time but after all I found out the second time around with her 2017-18 affair with the dude, I realized, even then it was much more. 

I would like to add a lot more it's late and I'm getting tired but I wanted to follow up with something because of how similar our situations were and I know what you are going through. There should be no reason, you will get less than 50/50 custody of your child, I know that's no consolation but at least you will have that and in time, you will learn to maximize your time with him when you have him and enjoy your time when you don't. The 2nd part comes after quite a while but it comes. There is so much time and energy invested when you have the kids, more than ever before because it's only one parent that the time they are away, it's a time to catch you breath and do all of the housework you don't do when they are there because you are focusing on them.

Keep it on the straight and narrow. Follow your lawyer's advice, don't be mean to your STBXW, you don't have to be nice either. Go through this with as much dignity as you can, something that will allow you to look back on with pride on how you handled it. 

As you have found out, unfortunately, none of this makes sense, it never will. Even when you find the reason and get the explanation from counselors, peers, etc, it still will hurt and be head scratching. 

I fought for my marriage and forgave her time after time but even through all of that, she wanted out, she blamed it on the marriage not being great, even though that was news to me and said it wasn't because of OM, she minimized the affair and said it wasn't one for the 6 months after I found out about the texts ... until I discovered the gold mine of evidence. Even then, she tried to minimize and deflect what was really going on. It will take years if ever, for your STBXW to get clarity on what her actions were but that's not what's important now. What's important is getting yourself counseling and being the best father you can be.

Again, it's SO hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel from where you are at right now but hopefully you take solace in that I have been where you are and not too long ago.

2000- Together since, married in '03
2009 - first affair with OM
2017- Next affair with him
2018 (July) - Divorce Final

Here's the most important date for you though. Because I recognized my pain for what it was and gave it everything I had but eventually realized there was nothing more I could do, the 14 months of Hell have led me to where I am today. 2 Months after the divorce, my clarity is at an all time high, I am enjoying life again for all it's worth and taking the challenges as they come at me. You won't want to hear this now as I didn't before either but you are going to find someone in the future that makes you realize, as much pain as you went and are going through, there's light at the end of the tunnel and someone that will give everything you give, right back to you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

NewGuy, sorry for what you are going through. YOu are right to dump her, DNA your kid also and let all your family and friends know exactly what you found out so she cannot lie to them. She is a serial cheater and took you for a chump. Show her you are not a chump. Get a good lawyer, ensure you have covered all bases with access to the kid.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I am so sorry that you are in this situation and quite unfortunate. As you speak with mutual friends I would let them know that she is lying to them as well and the relationship was physical. Also that she was given a chance to walk the straight and narrow and chose her POSOM instead. Some will believe you and remain friends, others will choose to buy her line of BS. Don't sweat the petty things, they are not folks you really want to associate with anyway. Since you have a son, you will have a connection with her for years to come. Concentrate your efforts on your son and yourself, don't waste a second longer on her and her nonsense.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Do not let her paint you as an over-reacting crazy person.....

Expose the FULL extent of the A to all friends and family today.....if you allow her free reign to set the narrative and make you out as the crazy ‘bad guy’ here, that will eventually spill over into how these other people speak about you in front of your son.

Tell everyone it is in fact a PA......you have evidence of this from a PI.....and that this is the SECOND time with this sack of sh*t OM.....that she was involved with this POS 4 years ago too, while dragging you to MC blaming you for problems in the M.

You might also want to try to contact this scumbag’s exBW......this A may have been going on longer than you know and have been the cause of his D.....she may know about the A and have more info for you (she would not be the first BS to choose to not contact the OBS after discovering an A....though I personally will NEVER understand this choice).

Protect your reputation from her bullsh*t manipulation and gaslighting campaign!

Good luck.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Wallpaper to town you live in with the evidence.

Yes, this includes FB, Twitter, Instagram, etc.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

One of my clients was faced with a WW who denied the PA, even though there was ample evidence. She kept saying that her husband was pushing her away. SO....my client had hired a PI, and had access to a ream of photographic evidence. He sent every near pornographic shot of her and her AP to every member of her family, every coworker, every member of their church. She picks up on this about a day into people getting these "packages". Apoplexy sets in. She is screaming that she can't believe that he is ruining her reputation like this? She says, "Do you really want a divorce?" His comeback devastated her more than the exposure. He said, and I quote, "I do not want a divorce, I WANT TO BE WIDOWED". She apparently vomited for days on end. She also accepted that her reputation was ruined, and that everyone her husband knew, now knew the truth about her. She quietly relented and allowed the divorce to proceed. She provided no impediments to her now ex husband's life. She accepted the final decree, and stayed away from him. She has had to rehabilitate herself to her family, but she knows that she is the subject of giggles and whispers. He has moved on, and does not regret destroying the image she was desperate to protect.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Good job on getting yourself out of infidelity. I know how hard it is to divorce when you have a kid and so much invested...I was in your place just over a couple years ago. Its sucks now, but you will feel like a new man in a few months. Focus on your kids, put all your negative energy into working out or exercising. 

Glad to hear she moved out allowing you to get a headstart in healing-- IHS is another special type of hell!


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

"She has told our friends and family that I am driving the divorce over an emotional affair..."


You DID NOT do anything towards the affair. That is ALL hers. Period. And some of us feel that an emotional one is WORSE than the actual sex part...It's the betrayal of the partner and the breaking of vows that kills us. Not the genitalia rubbing crap.

As to anything troubling in the marriage? She had her opportunity to either fix herself or get out. She chose the path between her legs. Glad you are out of infidelity.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

The best story I have is violent. The client in the last post, wanted to deal with the OM. He wanted a decisive end to his wife's affair, even though he no longer wanted his WW, he wanted her to suffer. The OM was a former friend, married and part of their social circle. The OM was relishing having both a wife and a mistress, and was particularly happy that he "stole" from his former friend, referring to the BH as a "wimp". My client's lawyer and I both cautioned him against doing more than he already had. His wife was tearing her hair out as everyone she knew saw pictures of her and the OM. She could not explain this away. OM, on the other hand loved this. Until.

My client does motion picture work. He is not on camera, he is a set guy, kind of big and imposing. He gathered his crew together, and staked out the bar that the OM frequented. Just as OM was leaving the bar one night, BH accosts him. The OM laughs in his face. Did not laugh too much longer, my client apparently belted him one. OM starts screaming for the cops. The rest of the altercation involved a lot of violence, culminating in a threat to castrate the OM. The OM was convinced that his meat and two veg will be fed to the dogs if he does not dump the WW. The OM tried to fight valiantly, but he ends up with some scars, a bloody scrotum (my client said he carved his initials,) and a warning. Break up with the WW, insult her, make her regret ever meeting you.

Next week, she calls him. WHAT DID YOU DO??? He says nothing, what happened. "WE HAD PLANS, HE WENT BACK TO HIS WIFE AND DUMPED ME" My client says, did I not tell you I want to be widowed, hurry up and do something about it. Ask your boyfriend.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Taxman said:


> The best story I have is violent. The client in the last post, wanted to deal with the OM. He wanted a decisive end to his wife's affair, even though he no longer wanted his WW, he wanted her to suffer. The OM was a former friend, married and part of their social circle. The OM was relishing having both a wife and a mistress, and was particularly happy that he "stole" from his former friend, referring to the BH as a "wimp". My client's lawyer and I both cautioned him against doing more than he already had. His wife was tearing her hair out as everyone she knew saw pictures of her and the OM. She could not explain this away. OM, on the other hand loved this. Until.
> 
> My client does motion picture work. He is not on camera, he is a set guy, kind of big and imposing. He gathered his crew together, and staked out the bar that the OM frequented. Just as OM was leaving the bar one night, BH accosts him. The OM laughs in his face. Did not laugh too much longer, my client apparently belted him one. OM starts screaming for the cops. The rest of the altercation involved a lot of violence, culminating in a threat to castrate the OM. The OM was convinced that his meat and two veg will be fed to the dogs if he does not dump the WW. The OM tried to fight valiantly, but he ends up with some scars, a bloody scrotum (my client said he carved his initials,) and a warning. Break up with the WW, insult her, make her regret ever meeting you.
> 
> Next week, she calls him. WHAT DID YOU DO??? He says nothing, what happened. "WE HAD PLANS, HE WENT BACK TO HIS WIFE AND DUMPED ME" My client says, did I not tell you I want to be widowed, hurry up and do something about it. Ask your boyfriend.


This is not something I would recommend.

But, he has my undying respect.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Newguy123 said:


> She has told our friends and family that I am driving the divorce over an emotional affair


1. A change in loyality/faithfulness (To OM), and breaking of vows.
2. Physical unfaithfulness. 
3. Dishonesty and lying.

Three of the most devastating aspects of infidelity. 

Who in their right mind would keep her as a wife.

She is completely unremorseful, completely untrustworthy, and completely compromised as a person. No integrity.

Plus you caught her kissing him, and that IS physical cheating.

A lot of people feel the emotional part, together with the change in loyality, even in a physical affair to be the most painful, and hard to accept part.

Tell your friends and family, "her emotional cheating is the most painful part for me, but I have evidence of her physical cheating as well.

Here (link below) is what we call the standard evidence thread. This may help you find more evidence if you need some.

One thing some people do depending on local laws is place voice activated recorders (VAR's) in the fromt seat of her car (doubke velcroed in), and somewhere in the house she goes to talk. Before they expose to catch her talkig to OM or some friend about it.

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html

You may not feel you need more evidence, plus your friends and family may see through her anyway.

She cheated on you twice with the same guy. Leave her in the rearview mirrior, and get on with your life. Make it a new start and a good one. That will be the best lesson for her.

The truth usually comes out.

Does the other man (OM) have a significant other you can expose the affait to?


Look up the Five stages of Grief.

https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

"The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance "

The below link is a thread of helpful reading for something new to the Copying with Infidelity forum.

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

I really wish you well!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I found out my wife was cheating online and likely physically as well-- could never be proven..

I asked her to leave (she basically WANTED to leave, anyway), and divorced her. We had to be separated for a year. 

I remember asking myself in my grief if I had made the right decision. This despicable woman even came over for sex a couple of times during the separation, and I allowed it, in spite of her telling me she was just using me for sex and had no intention of coming back. The things this vile human did to me emotionally, besides this, were unspeakable. 


The reason I say this is that I want you to know THIS: You are without a doubt, with absolute metaphysical certitude, doing the right thing. You will only get past this when you start moving forward. When you do get past it, you will NOT doubt what you did was the right thing, you will be healed and happy again.

I know the excruciating pain you are enduring. Endure it with the knowledge that you are a MAN that did what you knew was right and did not beg or cry. 
You will get through this.
I'm very sorry you're having to.


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## Stormguy2018 (Jul 11, 2018)

Be strong and stick with your divorce decision. Your wife is not a nice person. I feel sorry for the next man she marries.


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