# Have we reached an impasse?



## NotMyRealName (Feb 7, 2013)

My husband & I have been married for almost 7 years.
We've fought before, but we've always managed to figure things out and I've never felt_ this_ way before...

In Sept. 2012 my husband told me that he'd signed up for a hockey tournament away from home in Feb. He would use some of his year-end bonus (which we get in Jan) to go. And he'd love it if I would come with. I expressed my concerns, we had other things that we wanted to do with our money...and the bonus wasn't a sure thing. He assured me those other things would be done as well. 

In December when it didn't look like he'd meet his quota I let him know that he should maybe think about cancelling the trip which would cost him $1,200. He'd already put down a $200 deposit. He said we would wait to see if he made it or not. He didn't seem concerned then that if he didn't make it, he'd be cancelling with short notice.

Bonus time rolls around & it's much smaller than we hoped for. We were set on recarpeting our basement (something no one wants to pay for, but it needed to be done, we both agreed). My husband ordered the carpet just days after receiving the bonus money. And I thought he would announce that he was cancelling his trip....

But he didn't.

So last night I let him know that I thought he should re-think it (I didn't call him selfish, I just said that there were other things I thought WE wanted more). I told him I didn't want to go & that if he went, it would be alone (It's not worth the money for me to go sit & watch him play hockey). He seemed upset. I told him I understood that he has committed to a team, but that he did that carelessly, and that for ME, taking the kids on a trip to Disney in the fall was much more important, but wouldn't be possible without the $1,200. He was visibly upset. He said he felt like a bad father. I told him to think about it & we went to bed.

This morning I call him at work & he is clearly angry. He was short & curt with me. And he didn't let me know his decision. Do I have the right to push & ask him what he has decided? It's pretty tense here. I am pretty sure he wants to go & that for the first time, we are having a major disagreement about how our money should be spent. And it is BREAKING my heart. 

How can he not choose to spend the money on our family & instead on himself??? He deserves the trip, he works hard. But so do I. And so do the kids. And if he chooses to go, how can I move past this?


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Does he normally do this with his bonuses or is this something new?


----------



## NotMyRealName (Feb 7, 2013)

This is new.
Usually we sit down & make a list of things we will do with the next bonus. So our list this time looked like this:
- Recarpet basement
- Pay kids soccer & hockey fees
- Buy a mattress for our daughter
- Put away money for a family trip in the spring
- Husbands hockey tournament

The thing is, we only had enough for the first four....


----------



## NotMyRealName (Feb 7, 2013)

Ok, so he decided to go. 
And I hate to say it (because my mother use to!!!) but I am not mad, I'm just really disappointed, and I am worried this might be a turning point for us....

So, how do I react to this? My first thought was to be spiteful & take the kids for a weekend away with what money we have left while he is gone. But I can't do that. I'm not that person.
I have to figure out how to fight now without bringing this up every time... how do I do that? Do I just forget about it & move on? There's a part of me that thinks that lets him off the hook too easily.... help me with some perspective here...


----------



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

First, let's clarify, "We were set on recarpeting our basement." No you thought that was more important. For him, he has been working hard at work, and wanted to get a week on vacation at this tournament he thought would be fun. 

My suggestion, go to the tournament with him if the cost is relatively little for the added person, stop nagging him, and agree you make the next decision on a major purchase.


----------



## NotMyRealName (Feb 7, 2013)

Bobby5000, I actually didn't want to recarpet the basement at first, it was his idea, he says it will be good for resale value & I agree. He pushed it through, I told him we could put it off until the spring. I should have said something to him before he paid for the carpet, but I assumed when he did that, that he was cancelling his trip.

For it will be about $400 more for me to go to the tournament, but I'd rather put that towards a family trip in the future. I think he'd rather I go, but he'll be okay with it, except that maybe it will make him feel more guilty. I feel like if I go it will be just so he doesn't feel bad about going, you know?


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Some folks are just more about rewarding themselves first than others. I'm more on your end of the spectrum, but to each their own.

If you think your husband is really unfair about this (spends on himself out of proportion to what he spends on the family or home, or out of proportion to how much he makes) you can address the issue. You might want to consider letting it slide.


----------



## debster (Dec 17, 2012)

Let this slide. But just so you don't feel it's swept under the rug, set up two budget categories for his spending and her spending and fund those categories every month with whatever you can reasonably afford to build up to two little pots over time. Then, in future, you can each spend this money as you wish, no hard feelings. You may decide to spend it frequently in small amounts... pedicures, for example. He may chose to do it once every few years for such hockey tournament. Hope that helps!


----------



## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

When was the last time he did something just for himself?

If this is not common, then I think you not only let it slide, but support him and go with him. If this is a trend, then you're better to address it sooner rather than later.

Also, is he the sole bread winner? If so, it doesn't necessarily make it right, but being one myself, I sometimes feel like I am working for everyone else.


----------



## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

Are you more upset with him for not considering the financial aspects of his trip, or for him getting to make a trip just for him? If you had the money, would you truly be ok with him taking this trip? Or are you like me and think extra money should be set aside for a vote between the two of you?

I would figure out what truly makes you upset about this. It's sticky! You have guilt playing you no matter how you address the situation.

If you do bring it up to fight about, maybe you would be safer by saying "this is how I would like for a similar future situation to be handled" instead of "I'm pissed at you for doing this." He'll get the message you are upset AND will know how to handle future situations with your perspective in mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

NotMyRealName said:


> This is new.
> Usually we sit down & make a list of things we will do with the next bonus. So our list this time looked like this:
> - Recarpet basement
> - Pay kids soccer & hockey fees
> ...


The three biggies are the carpet (already paid for - ordered AFTER he knew the bonus money was less), the Disney trip and his hockey tournament.

So does this mean the Disney trip is off?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think you're showing a lack of concern for the 'romance' (for lack of a better word) in your marriage. I think that, after 7 years, he may be feeling trapped and out of 'fun' and you just proved his point by making him feel miserable for wanting to do something he wouldn't have thought twice about before. I think you're lucky you have a husband who, 99% of the time, willingly works hard and hands over his money to you (by going along with the things YOU want), and you are putting him in a position of not being allowed to be 'selfish.' I think that if you continue on this path, he'll end up leaving or cheating or both. Sorry, but that's what I see in the way you write.

Go to the library and get the book His Needs Her Needs. It will explain everythng.


----------



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Turnera and I agree on something!! My wife doesn't allow me she encourages me to go take time to myself. 

I think even after the trip if you don't encourage your husband about going he will feel guilty because he thinks your are so "disappointed in him".


Good luck and if the kids aren't say 6-10 I think Disney is a complete waste of money. Any younger they will never remember and any older the rides are kiddy and Universal is a better pick.

I've been to both......

Marriage is 1st
Kids are 2nd

In that order don't forget it!!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree on taking younger kids to Disney. Total waste of time. We went with friends who had a 2 year old and she couldn't care less and doesn't even remember it now, 12 years later.


----------



## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

I would recommend reading "Surrendered Wife" and see if you can identify with it. I know the title is off putting, but I learned a lot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr.D.E.B.T. (Jul 19, 2012)

It sounds like the two of you are not communicating. You may just be speaking at each other instead of having a real conversation about financial matters. Clear the air with real conversation instead of pay back actions.


----------



## Erin143 (Feb 12, 2013)

It seems as though your husband thought this might have also been a good time for the 2 of you to getaway yourselves without the little ones. And though I believe it should always be what the children need comes first there does have to be a point where you have to dedicate some time and maybe just cut back and dedicate more toward your husband. Husbands especially who work all of the time feel that they are competing between they're children for their wife and for you to shoot him down may have just acknowledged that he messed up. If the carpet can still get done and the family is still taken care of his job in his mind is done, the rest will fall into place, this was most likely for the two of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

