# Should I put a spy cam in the bedroom?



## Lonelychef (Feb 17, 2018)

We haven't had sex in months. I change our bed sheets every week and today I noticed what looked like semen stains on the mattress cover that was not there last week. I know if I ask him he'll deny knowing where it came from so there is no point in asking. I'm seriously considering installing a nanny cam in our bedroom so if there is anything going on while I'm at work I can catch him and he can't deny it. Then I can proceed with a divorce and not have to give up everything I've worked for all these years. 
Does anyone know about nanny cams? I'll need night vision because our bedroom is dark all the time. Please don't tell me if I don't trust him I should leave, I know this. But I also know I have worked hard for what I have and I just don't see myself starting over especially when I am the innocent party.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

He’s probably masturbating.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

A nanny cam is too obvious. A "spy can" hidden in an alarm clock or a voice activated recorder might be better


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

It sounds like it might be illegal. You should consider checking on that.

Besides that, what makes you think being able to prove he is having an affair would help you preserve anything in the event of a divorce? Would you be able to claim fault in your state? Another legal question. Do you have a prenup? More legal stuff.

A third consideration. If you have not had sex with him in over a week, are you sure he did not have an orgasm in his sleep? That is a very long time to go without an orgasm, and nocturnal emissions are actually pretty common in the case of sexual frustration.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

He has an affair with his 🤚 would you divorce him for that?
Women leave much more stains, usually. At least in my experience.

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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Screw it, I will tell you regardless of what you said. If you don't trust him you should leave him. But the real problem it seems is not some nefarious stain that you think might be semen. It is that you have not had sex in six months. Which tell us that there are bigger issues afoot than a mere stain on a mattress pad. So my advice to you is to sit down and have a heart to heart with your H to try to resolve the issues. Then get some counseling if you are really interested in saving the marriage. So either crap or get off the pot.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

No - you should not put a spy cam in your bedroom.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Lonelychef said:


> We haven't had sex in months. (


Whose idea is that?


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Lonelychef said:


> We haven't had sex in months. I change our bed sheets every week and today I noticed what looked like semen stains on the mattress cover that was not there last week. I know if I ask him he'll deny knowing where it came from so there is no point in asking. I'm seriously considering installing a nanny cam in our bedroom so if there is anything going on while I'm at work I can catch him and he can't deny it. Then I can proceed with a divorce and not have to give up everything I've worked for all these years.
> Does anyone know about nanny cams? I'll need night vision because our bedroom is dark all the time. Please don't tell me if I don't trust him I should leave, I know this. But I also know I have worked hard for what I have and I just don't see myself starting over especially when I am the innocent party.


WTF? I'd be worried that, if he finds it before you catch him up to no good, he could use THAT as grounds for an at-fault divorce. Recording video in someone's bedroom is extreme. Couldn't you just use security camera footage of the entryway or something to establish whether someone else is there during the day?


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## Uhenrcx0531 (Jan 2, 2018)

Buy a nest cam


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## Lonelychef (Feb 17, 2018)

He claims he is in too much pain to perform, so he doesn't try and it I initiate, he refuses me.


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## Lonelychef (Feb 17, 2018)

inmyprime said:


> He has an affair with his 🤚 would you divorce him for that?
> Women leave much more stains, usually. At least in my experience.
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


No I wouldn't divorce him for masturbation, but I'd like to at least be invited to the party once in a while.


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## Lonelychef (Feb 17, 2018)

VladDracul said:


> Whose idea is that?


his.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Lonelychef said:


> He claims he is in too much pain to perform, so he doesn't try and it I initiate, he refuses me.




Pain? Like what kind of pain, physically or emotionally? 
The kind of pain that gay people have when they try to sleep with the opposite sex? Or has he had some kinds of injuries?


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Lonelychef said:


> No I wouldn't divorce him for masturbation, but I'd like to at least be invited to the party once in a while.




Could you maybe give some more info why he is refusing sex with you and what his ‘pain’ is? And why does he not have ‘pain’ when he has sex with the sheet?
Being rejected sexually sucks. I do have all the sympathy and hope you can get to the bottom whether his excuses are genuine.



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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

He's probably not having sex with you because, he has his man friend.

You really need to get tested for STD's 

Hire a PI to follow him , but be careful secretly recording someone if you plan on using it in a divorce case because it could be illegal in your state.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You need to check with an atty about recording him in the house. I expect it is completely legal unless it involves a phone call. Generally you cannot legally record a phone call unless at least one person is aware, and in many places all people on the call have to be aware of the recording.

However, anything you do record for solely your own information could remain secret. If you intend to use it in court then you need to coordinate with your lawyer. But if you just want to catch him having sex with someone else so that you know for sure, and then if you never let anybody know about the recording, I would do it.

There are clock radios with hidden cameras. There are even USB thumb drives with hidden cameras. You can find them for sale all over the internet.

A camera which covers the front door or kitchen might be better. If he has someone over they may not go to the bedroom.

Or you could just divorce him now. If the lawyer says there is no benefit to evidence of cheating, I wouldn't bother with the spying.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

inmyprime said:


> Being rejected sexually sucks.


Yep. And a good many times those being rejected ultimately run into folks who don't reject them. I ain't one to judge them if they do.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*If you do use a home "burglar cam" in your bedroom, and your old man is just found coincidentally "doing the nasty" with somebody on it, then it can certainly be used as evidence against him!

But I'd also highly recommend that you place them discretely in several other select rooms of the home as well, like perhaps in the living room/den, kitchen/dining room, or various home entrance ways!*


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Install the nanny cam and install a VAR in his car. Either way you will get answers quick smart. Best case scenario it is an affair with his hand!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Sports Fan said:


> Install the nanny cam and install a VAR in his car. Either way you will get answers quick smart. Best case scenario it is an affair with his hand!


Don’t you mean Pam,and her five sisters?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> He’s probably masturbating.


Or had a wet dream?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Lonelychef said:


> He claims he is in too much pain to perform, so he doesn't try and it I initiate, he refuses me.


What is he doing to correct or address the pain? Nothing? Advise this is not working for you what is his plan to address. Advise you can help if needed.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Andy1001 said:


> Don’t you mean Pam,and her five sisters?


That would be Rosy Palmer and her five sisters. :grin2:


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

What sort of pain matters. If it is back pain that might make intercourse painful, but masturbation OK.

Have you offered to masturbate with him? Or even just to do things for him - like a BJ with no reciprocation just to see how he responds? The question is whether it really is pain, or if for some reason he doesn't want sex with you. 

Spycam is a bad idea. Some people would view that as an unacceptable invasion of privacy. 




Lonelychef said:


> He claims he is in too much pain to perform, so he doesn't try and it I initiate, he refuses me.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

@Lonelychef I like your attitude. There are a lot of possibilities here. I general if the situation is short term injury or illness Waiting is the honorable thing to do. In the case of long term disability, a work around or compromise should be agreed upon. 

Reading between the lines, you are frustrated and suspicious. So I'm guessing that there are some questions about the pain issue. You have been advised to consult with an attorney. That is great advice. You really need to know how this affects divorce in your area, and how privacy laws in your area work. 

Some of the questions we are all dying to ask :
Kids?
Stay at home Dad?
Nature of the pain?
Last time he talked with his doctor?
Phone History?
Abuse?
Relationship history?

MN


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

You don't need a spy camera. Just put a voice activated recorder in the bedroom closet and you'll hear whatever is going on and have your answer. The only exception to that would be if you lived in a state that had at-fault divorce. With my ex-wife I put the VAR in my bedroom closet and was able to hear her having sex with the OM in a different room. Now it wasn't a great recording but it was good enough to confirm my suspicion and allow me to proceed with divorcing her.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

If he's not emptying his system out on a regular basis, it could be from a wet dream. Do you have any other indicators that might lead you to believe he's having an affair? There are many more reasonable explanations. 

In no way should anyone recommend putting a secret cam in the bedroom. That would be very illegal, and you would be risking jail time if it is discovered. Plus, there may be creeps on the internet looking for tips on how to install hidden cams, and we don't want them to stumble across this thread through a search and get any ideas.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

wilson said:


> If he's not emptying his system out on a regular basis, it could be from a wet dream. Do you have any other indicators that might lead you to believe he's having an affair? There are many more reasonable explanations.
> 
> *In no way should anyone recommend putting a secret cam in the bedroom. That would be very illegal,* and you would be risking jail time if it is discovered. Plus, there may be creeps on the internet looking for tips on how to install hidden cams, and we don't want them to stumble across this thread through a search and get any ideas.


No it wouldn't. People install in-home surveillance cameras all the time. The only thing you can't do is install in, say, a nanny's bedroom if she lives in the house and she's the one you're wanting to monitor. Reasonable expectation of privacy in the key phrase here. Since it's her own bedroom in her own home, no laws are broken.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

3putt said:


> No it wouldn't. People install in-home surveillance cameras all the time. The only thing you can't do is install in, say, a nanny's bedroom if she lives in the house and she's the one you're wanting to monitor. Reasonable expectation of privacy in the key phrase here. Since it's her own bedroom in her own home, no laws are broken.


The bedroom is also his. She would be violating his right to privacy. He can't install secret cams in the shower and bathroom to record her for the same reason.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

wilson said:


> You can install cameras to record yourself without problems. Depending on your state, you may be able to record when there are other people in the room *with you*. But in no case are you allowed to put cameras in your house to record people who would otherwise have a right to privacy. A person expects privacy in their own bedroom. If she tells her H that there is a camera, then there's no problem. But if she secretly installs a camera to secretly record her H in the bedroom when he's alone, that is most certainly illegal.


You are just dead wrong. Never heard of a nanny cam? Installed legally all the time without notification to the nanny. And the husband probably wouldn't fall under the reasonable expectation of privacy clause while conducting marital infidelity in a house that is also owned by his wife. But lets assume for e second he does fall under that. What she could legally do in this case is install the cam somewhere outside the bedroom pointing at the door.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

3putt said:


> You are just dead wrong. Never heard of a nanny cam? Installed legally all the time without notification to the nanny. And the husband probably wouldn't fall under the reasonable expectation of privacy clause while conducting marital infidelity in a house that is also owned by his wife. But lets assume for e second he does fall under that. What she could legally do in this case is install the cam somewhere outside the bedroom pointing at the door.


A nanny cam in the baby's room--no problem. That's not a place where the nanny has an expectation of privacy. The same goes for the living room, kitchen, etc. But that doesn't mean you can put a nanny cam in every room in the house, like her bedroom and the bathrooms. People have expectations of privacy in bedrooms and bathrooms even in other people's homes.

If you live alone, you can install cams in your bedrooms and bathrooms all you want. But if guests come over, you would need to notify them of the cams. A guest has an expectation of privacy when using your bathroom. There may be some wiggle room if you have a cam in your master bathroom and a guest uses that without your permission, but that's because you can argue you did not foresee that. But you can't install hidden cams in the guest bathroom under the guise of it being okay because you own the house.

If the OP wants to install a secret cam, it should be like you suggested in a public area of the house. There's no need to record the actual bedroom antics. Just having video of the guy walking in the front door would be sufficient.

And as far as this thread goes, we should be cautious about offering advice because of the requirements given in the OP. Wanting a secret cam for the bedroom that can record in in very dark light (even in the day?!?) could be used for nefarious reasons. We don't want any creeps to stumble across this thread and find out ways to put cams in other people's rooms.


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## Lonelychef (Feb 17, 2018)

Questions everyone is dying to ask

Kids? 2 adult children, 9 grandchildren
Stay at home Dad? Self employed part time
Nature of the pain? a wall fell on him when he was doing construction work 20 years ago and now he has pain
Last time he talked with his doctor? sees a doctor every 6 months. T levels are normal
Phone History? He isn't into technology at all
Abuse? from 8-12 he was sexually abused by an uncle that was a few years older than him. He's a recovering cocaine and alcohol addict. 
Relationship history? We just had our 40th anniversary. He's had numerous affairs during the course of our marriage, I've had a few myself so I'm not judging.
I've decided against the spy cam. I've decided to stop worrying about it and wasting my life.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I wish you both well. Please remember we are here for you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If it were me, I'd use a spy camera. Yea, it's probably illegal. But I would want to know if he was cheating...in my bed to boot. I would never show anyone else the video because it's most likley illegal. Or at least I'd ask an attorney before letting anyone know i had it.

But that's me.

I have a friend who caughter her husband cheating by putting a VAR (voice activated recorder) under thier bed. She got a recording of her husband and his affair partner having sex while she was at work.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Lonelychef said:


> .
> Relationship history? We just had our 40th anniversary. He's had numerous affairs during the course of our marriage, I've had a few myself so I'm not judging.


Right... sounds wonderful, good luck to you.


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## Pantone429c (Feb 8, 2018)

Lonelychef said:


> We haven't had sex in months. I change our bed sheets every week and today I noticed what looked like semen stains on the mattress cover that was not there last week. I know if I ask him he'll deny knowing where it came from so there is no point in asking. I'm seriously considering installing a nanny cam in our bedroom so if there is anything going on while I'm at work I can catch him and he can't deny it. Then I can proceed with a divorce and not have to give up everything I've worked for all these years.
> 
> Does anyone know about nanny cams? I'll need night vision because our bedroom is dark all the time. Please don't tell me if I don't trust him I should leave, I know this. But I also know I have worked hard for what I have and I just don't see myself starting over especially when I am the innocent party.




Have you and he lost desire for each other? 

How old are you?
How long married?

Are you angry with him and that why you are not having sex?

Do you want to salvage your marriage or are you looking for a way out?


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Lonelychef said:


> Questions everyone is dying to ask
> 
> Kids? 2 adult children, 9 grandchildren
> Stay at home Dad? Self employed part time
> ...


So, in others words, no one is innocent.

Don't know why you are even worried about a nanny cam or anything else of that nature. I'm sorry you are here, but fidelity is not a strong point for either of you.

If you are not happy, divorce!


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