# why are my children not good enough for him



## NOWHERELEFT2TURN (Feb 24, 2011)

i have posted several threads on here about my marriage problems with my husband, but the area that disturbs me most is the one with my children. i have three from my first marriae, a boy 15 and two girls,12, and 8. they are good kids, well mannered and have never needed lots of disipline, they have always been raised to respect adults and i get compliments from people all the time about how well mannered they are. they are usually in general quiet and shy. when we married he had two girls one is now 17 and one is now 13. all the kids were younger when we married 4 years ago. he also has a stepdaughter that is a sister to his two girls, he calls her his daugher also. i believe shes 21 now, she never came around, ive invited her to dinners and christmas, but shes more a mothers girl i guess and would have probably had no porblem being around if he didnt have a new family. ive never had a problem with her or his two biological children, but i do have problems with the way things always seem to go.

when me and him got together i gave my kids the lecture of ok these are new ppl and i dont know how they will react but be nice even if the arent and respect him and his kids. so many things have happend over the years that i would have loved to have taken those words back but tried to do the right thing. my kids did as i told them to. they have been nice even when him and his kids havent been so nice, they have accepted and moved on when they seen things being done that were obviously special treatment for his. his family has never been interested in getting to know my children, mainly because they dont want him married to me, they want him with his ex and its obvious because they have went as far as saying it, but after four years they dont even know my kids names. i guess the part that bothers me the most is i want the best for my kids and i feel like they arent getting it, they have done nothing to deserve it. ive been nice to his kids asmuch as i could, they arent too much on getting close to me or my kids and never have been, they just talk about mom the whole time theyare with us, ive asked them to help around the house and they wont they say they do it enough at their moms. one time they had three grocery bags of food in there room they had brought and keep in mind we dont allow food in bedrooms and they know it.

they ate all day and noght and my daughter wanted a cookie and they said no. i went in and said that was very rude ad given the fact that food isnt allowed in here why do you have it. they quickly called there mom to com and get them and them and there mom went and told anyone who would listen and including my husbands family that i wouldnt allow them to eat wihich was a lie, they have ran my name in the ground. the oldest girl never came around since she was 17 when we met although i tried to invite her, i doknow there mom has said several things about me to them that are not appropriate and they do not feel that im anyone they have to listen to.

i worry because i feel my kids get the short end of the stick and i cant stand to see it, they are wonderful kids and deserve so much. we walk around on eggshells when hes home. he has several things he lists that mine need to do such as laundry, clean bathrooms, wash the dog, do dishes and then anything else he can find. nothing wrong with that at all. i make them do the same and they have always helped with housework, but when his come, he cleans the whole house before they get there and tells me what all to get at the store that they lkie to eat and he wants everything perfect for them. and they are allowed to sit in livig room and watch whatever they wantn tv and never lift a finger to help do anythng. if my kids want to watch tv they have to in there rooms. he lets his on computer, but not mine. i know these are all small things but it adds up and gets disturbing and most of all the kids see it. my kids have missed so many school events and activities because of money we dont have, but he pays 1000 month child support on his and then volunteers to pay for cell phone contracts, and extra school stuff and anything they want, whil mine have to give up what they want. its so discouraging.

when we married i told him we are all afamily now and i want it fair and he agreed, but it never has been. its so obvious the difference in how he treats his over mine. my kids can come back from a weekend at there dads and he wont even say hi to them. they notice it all. my eight year old sais he dont like her. it breaks my heart. hes not abusive and yes hes put a roof over our head and im greatful. ive been a stay at home mom for a couple if years which limits my finances but thats what he wanted me to do. now im trying to find work because we are in a financial mess. the oldest stepdaugher by his first marriage he still calls his daughter and would do anything for her. mine have been his step kids for 4 yearsand i never see him feeling that way towards them. theres so many more things that i could write a book, what really hurt me latley was his signature on the end of his text and he had put them three girls of his first marriages names as his signature and one isnt even his daughter and thats fine if he loves her,,,but wheres my kids names when do they reach that iportance with him. if they didnt notice it themselves it might not be so bad, but even the kids notice it.

they walk around on eggshells waiting to see what hes goona copmplain aboutnext that they didnt do right. ive talked about itover and over with him and he sais its not like that but actions speak louder thatn words,, hes never said he loved them , but i know my middle child has said it to him. they have tried so hard even with his kids who look down on them and im too the point i told them not to let them kids run over them no more. kids grow up so fast i want the best for them and if i leave we wont have much of anything but maybe peace of mind, i want them happy most of all. but i cant convince him of the problem. he doesnt discuss his kids with me much because they stick to him and their mom and him and her discuss everything and more. ive never been confortable with that either. im his wife and their stepmom why cant i be allowed to know something and be envolved. i believe they dont want me envolved. its like they are all still family and me and my kids are outsiders. i tell him what goes onwith my kids and he seems uninterested or just tells me what i should have done differently. i thought when you remarry everyone was family and me and mine are likeoutsiders and him, his ex and her daugher and his two kids are his family. i guess shes the wife and i have no clue where i fit in


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I know it does have to take some time for a blended family to find that balance and become a family. But you should not still be feeling like outsiders after 4 years, and his absolute refusal to even talk about whether there's a problem, much less admit it, is a serious problem to me. 

I would not tolerate my children being treated like second class citizens in their own home. Even between my 2 kids I make sure everything is equal. They might get different things, but they are of equivalent value, time, or whatever. They have different interests and stuff, so I can't always do exactly the same, but I make sure it all equals out in the end. If I wouldn't allow either of my children to get preferential treatment over each other, I certainly wouldn't allow any other children in the home to get preferential treatment. 

I really think you've tried all you can to make this right. He won't talk to you about it. He refuses to acknowledge there's anything wrong, which tells me either he knows he's wrong and just doesn't want to change, or he thinks he's right in what he's doing. Either way, it would not be a situation I could deal with. 

I understand that if you leave, you and your children would be tight financially. But in my opinion, it'd be better for things to be tight financially for a while than for your children to think that either you tolerate them being treated this way or that you can't/won't stand up for yourself and them.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

As usual, I'm agreeing with Truckersgirl here. I would be a liar if I didn't admit that I wouldn't have committed my life (and that of my son) to my SO if he'd had children of his own who weren't grown. I know it sounds like a double standard (it's ok for me, but not for him) but I was fully prepared to remain single the rest of my life. I understood men who wouldn't have wanted to get involved with a woman with children as well. Their choice. 

But I'm a package deal. Love me, love my kids. I expect someone to treat my children as well as they do me. No way would I be able to handle someone's kids being treated differentially. I think that sends a terrible message to HIS kids as well. He might be feeling guilt for being a part time father, but that's only going to be used against him. 

I just couldn't handle it myself. I don't think anyone would/could fault you if you chose to end things. I sure wouldn't. Too bad he doesn't see the harm he's causing all the way around.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sorry, but I would NOT stay married. Your kids should be your number one priority, and them growing up in that environment is harming them for the rest of their lives. If you won't demand changes, then leave. Date him from another house if you have to, but get your kids out of there.


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## NOWHERELEFT2TURN (Feb 24, 2011)

the things you all said were very true and helpful. deep down i felt that too, but i always thought maybe i was just being jealous or expecting too much, but theres just too many things that have happend and keep happening that i know its not just all me being too emotional about it. my oldest son is fifteen and he hasnt even been to my house in 2 months, he chooses to stay at his dads, because my current husband was alwys on him about cleaning the bathroom or not washing his hands and it wasnt just everynow and then, its like he sets there and waits for them to do something so he can say something. my son got a lab for duckhunting and the weekend i got it for him was a miserable weekend, my son or i had to carry the dog around all weekend. it wasnt allowed on the floor it, it wasnt allowed on the couch, everytime we pet it he was holloring that whoever touched the dogs better not be in the kitchen unless they wash their hands. thats fine, but all things can be taken too far. so my son carried the dog to his dads and since he knows there will be a problem constantly, he has decided to just stay at his dads until the puppy is older and can be put in a dog pen. we have another house dog too which my husband hates and he makes that obvious everyday too especially to the kids and they love the dog so. its like he just looks for reasons to gripe at them. if they like it he hates it and i feel its intentional.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What are you getting out of this marriage?


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

So far, your oldest child has elected to not live with you b/c of this man. Who's next? You need a "come to Jesus" meeting with him. And it's not for salvation, either. He can either get a grip on himself and stop, or it's the end of the road. Don't lose your kids over this man. It's not worth it.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Yeah, I'm sorry, but if my son was made so uncomfortable or hated my husband so much that he moved in with someone else, that would definitely be the final straw for me. My children are my blood, I gave birth to them, and there's no way I would be able to deal with them living with someone else. Not like that. 

I really think you need to stand up for yourself and your children. If you're not willing to leave, lay it out for him that you will no longer tolerate this treatment of your children, and call him on it every time he does something in this same vein of behavior. If it doesn't change, leave.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would also suggest that you get into some good therapy to find out why keeping this man in your life, despite such major obstacles, is so necessary. Look into codependence issues, or self esteem issues. Neither of those are traits you want to pass on to your kids.


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

Step children are hard to deal with for the most part. I have 3 step children. You are going to have to put your foot down with them or they will walk all over you. They have to realize that you are not going to be treet that way. You may not be their mother, but you are their father's wife and they are in your home.

I laid down the law, at my H's request, that I did so. and I did. I told them how it was going to be while they we here. I told them what i would tell my own children that i expected of them. If they made a mess they were to clean it up. To keep their rooms clean, help out around the house with dishes and taking out the garbage and such. If they wanted to go anywhere with friends while they were here, just let us know where they were going and when they would be home. that type of thing.

I have treated them like they are my own and I do love them as such. My H would never let his children treat me they way he lets his treat you. I don't know why yours lets his children treat you in this manor. You also need to put your foot down with your H also.


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