# Help--Cheating after 22 years of marriage/3 kids



## afwife (May 8, 2012)

My husband has had 5 GF in the last 3 years years. We are currently seperated and have been for 6 months. He's in counseling and wants to reconsile...I'm not sure I can recover from all the lies and deception. He's blaming the seperation on me (in front of the kids) b/c I won't forgive him. But his actions are the cause of everything! I do miss him and our family but not sure I can forgive and move forward with him. Any advise? Anyone been through this before?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Forgiveness is always on your time line, it is yours to give or not to give.

He is the reason. Do not let him blame you.

Reconsiliation is a two person deal. If you don't want to it will not happen - sucks being him.

Reconsiliation is hard when you live apart. If you want him back in your life you will have to let him move back with you.

Having said that, you have the upper hand. Lay out what you want and need from him and if he gives you this then you consider R.

Make the moving back in with you conditional. Get as much as you can from him befofe he moves back in.

If you R at some point you will have to let things go but right now I believe you have to decide what you want.


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## Unsure2621 (Mar 23, 2012)

Did you separate because you found out? Or did he leave to pursue one of the women? How long has he been seeking counseling?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Has he fully disclosed? How is he trying to make amends, because blaming you in front of the kids is not the way to do it.


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## afwife (May 8, 2012)

This time, we separted b/c he deployed (he's active duty). While he was gone, I learned that I was happier w/o him there and told him I needed space to figure out what I wanted. 

He's only had three counseling sessions. I asked him what he hoped to gain from it...he said he's going to learn how to deal with everything. (I know, a cop out answer but that's the answer I got.)

I think he has fully disclosed everything except for things with #5...he won't tell me much about her. And to be honest, I'm not sure I want to know. The details from the first 4 were hard enough to handle...I don't think I want to know any more.


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## afwife (May 8, 2012)

...how is he trying to make amends...that's an excellent question. He's started attending church with me, he got saved....he tries to talk to me...asks me to lunch, dinner, ect. I'm not sure what I want him to do but he's not doing it. Know what I mean? I've even mentioned to him that he stopped wearing his wedding ring...thinking that might give him a clue to wear it...but he don't.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

How did this whole "5 girlfriends" thing work? Did you discover them each time separately, or all at the same time? Did he try to hide them from you, or did he flaunt them?


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## afwife (May 8, 2012)

started in 2009...he had an emotional relationship with someone for 4 months. I call her #1. Once I "discovered" her, he cut it off and said he loved me and wanted our marriage to work. Then, 7 months later, #2 happened while he was working out of town (he was working out of town for 2 months). She was someone "he met and connected with". When he got back, I learned that he'd been "talking" to another woman but he completely denied anything else happened. 4 months later I found out that he was "talking" to #3. Again, while he was working out of town for a 2 month period. And of course again, he denied anything happend. Both of those times, he told me he loved me and wanted our marriage to work. When #4 happened, he was out of town again, for another 2 months. This time, when he got back, he told me he didn't love me anymore and wanted a divorce...and he moved out. He continuously denied being with or in a relationship with anyone else and I couldn't find any evicence of someone else on the phone records...or anywhere. After 2 months of being moved out, he decided to move back home and try to make things work. AFter he was home for a week, I found a credit card statement with airline tickects on it. I confrunted him and he told me the whole ugly story. I insisted we go to counseling and church. He agreed but never followed up...with either. Then, the months later, he deplopyed overseas for work. While he was gone, is when I deciced I needed space to figure things out and asked him to move out when he got back (2 months later). Which he did....and for the next two weeks, he tried to convince me how much he loved me and wanted our marriage to work. I almost let him move back in....when I found out about #5. That's when I decided it was over. So why am I having second thoughts now? I'm so lonley and confused. I really want my marriage to work but I am soooo tired of being lied to and mistreated.


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## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

Why would you want to be with someone who so obviously de-values you?

5 different women? Where in your story does he have any respect for you? Any love? Commitment?


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## afwife (May 8, 2012)

I forgot to include that after #4, he confessed about #2 & 3. Also, last year when he moved out becuase of #4, was one of the worst times in my life....I had major surgery and my 22 year old nephew died in a car accident. Through all of that, he continued his fling with #4. As much as I don't believe in divorce and want my family, I don't think I can get past all the hurt and lies.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Run for your life. He's a serial cheater with no remorse.


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## afwife (May 8, 2012)

Everytime I think of letting him back in my life, I think I am crazy. I miss my kids sooooo much when they're with him. And I am broke as all get out now!! 

I guess what I really want is someone to love me as much as I love them. And he's not it. And that hurts!!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

afwife said:


> Everytime I think of letting him back in my life, I think I am crazy. I miss my kids sooooo much when they're with him. And I am broke as all get out now!!
> 
> I guess what I really want is someone to love me as much as I love them. And he's not it. And that hurts!!


You maybe broke, but you hopefully realizing having self repesct and not accepting him and his selfish cheating hide back is worth it. 

1gf is questionable if the marriage can survive. But 5 in 3 years, that's him showing he has absolutely no respect or care for you. None.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I don't think you are really in love with this guy who offers you or your children no respect. I think you love the idea of being in love with the man you want him to be. Not the same thing.


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