# My cheating husband has HIV from his infidelity



## memorialday (May 28, 2012)

Hello,
About 2 years ago my husband came home and said he needed to talk. He said that he had cheated on me a year before and that he just found out that he is HIV positive. Since then I have been tested regularly and I am HIV negative. Thank God I did not get HIV from him. We are still together but I have my doubts as to if I should still stay with him. He dosent like to talk about his disease and kind of acts like it dosent even bother him. He is 13 years older than me andwe have been together for 10 years and married for 7. We have a 8 year old together and obviously we can not have anymore kids together because of his infidelity. I feel alot of unforgiveness and resentment towards him for what he has done. What do I DO?


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## Bugz Bunny (Nov 28, 2011)

Divorce...You don't deserve to live a life like that,divorce him and start a new and better chapter in your life...

Good Luck


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I wouldn't stay. He chose to cheat, not you. Why should you accept living in the prison he chose to lock himself in?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

List the reasons besides your daughter why you're staying.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yeah, what steps have you taken since his infidelity to reconcile? Is he truly remorseful? The fact he has HIV alone should not be the determining factor here.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

memorialday said:


> What do I DO?


Divorce.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

memorialday said:


> ...He dosent like to talk about his disease and kind of acts like it dosent even bother him.


Having to take a huge amount of costly meds everyday for the rest of my life would bother me. But I guess I'd get used to it.

He is on anti-retroviral drugs right?


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## memorialday (May 28, 2012)

I still love him, but love only goes so far when there is all of that resentment. He was there for me when I had a very bad drinking problem, and I feel like if I leave him I would never forgive myself for being that self-ish. He made a mistake that almost cost me my life! I am extremely mad about that, and I also look at my daughters life is at risk just living in the same house, using the same restroom etc. I am so confused! He will not go to marriage counseling or talk to a pastor because he dosent want anyone to know he is HIV postitve.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

michzz said:


> At minimum do not have unprotected sex ever with him.
> 
> If it were me, I would not stay with him .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Better still, dont exchange any bodily fluids with him or get any.

How about your 8 year old daughther? She could get some of his fliuds (saliva, blood, etc) and get infected. Her immune system is still developing. Is it strong enough to protect her?

Protect your daughter and hope she doesnt get infected.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

memorialday said:


> I also look at my daughters life is at risk just living in the same house, using the same restroom etc.



This.


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## memorialday (May 28, 2012)

Yes he takes about 7 different meds everyday, and they make him sick if he dosent eat when taking them. They dont cost him anything, the state sends them in the mail to him once a month, and he goes to the doctor every 3 months.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I left my cheating husband. I was regularly STD tested as well. Luckily I don't have to worry anymore. 

Divorce him!


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## sweetpea (Jan 30, 2007)

FYI 

HIV is transmitted by 4 body fluids

blood, vaginal fluid, semen, and breast
Milk. (and other body fluids containing
Blood) 

Salvia doesn't transmit HIV or by using the same restroom. Please refer to the CDC for HIV facts. 

You should go to counseling by yourself if your husband wont go with you. He may change his mind if you start the process. 

Good luck !


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

From cdc.gov website, under the question "How well does HIV survive outside the body?":


> HIV is found in varying concentrations or amounts in blood, semen, vaginal fluid, breast milk, *saliva*, and tears.
> 
> ...*drying of HIV-infected* human blood or other body fluids reduces the theoretical risk of environmental transmission to that which has been observed–essentially zero.


According to CDC, HIV is found in saliva. And if the body fluids outside the body is dried up, the theoretical risk of transmission is zero.


Similarly, consider this question "Can I get HIV from oral sex?", the answer is "yes".


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## memorialday (May 28, 2012)

And the answer to the question is he truly remorseful? o I dont believe he is, I caught him talking to another woman on the phone a month ago, he was telling her that we were seperated and that he wanted to meet up with her. I had no idea that we were even thinking about getting seperated. I hope that answers the question, IS HE REMORSEFUL!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

memorialday said:


> And the answer to the question is he truly remorseful? o I dont believe he is, I caught him talking to another woman on the phone a month ago, he was telling her that we were seperated and that he wanted to meet up with her. I had no idea that we were even thinking about getting seperated. I hope that answers the question, IS HE REMORSEFUL!


And you stay with him why? He could have given you HIV and is still cheating on you. Do you want your child to grow up thinking this is how a healthy marriage looks/works?

Why are you with him? He doesn't respect you at all. Not even in the slightest.

The same thing happened to my relative. Except for he did give her HIV. She divorced him.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Why are you with him? He doesn't respect you at all. Not even in the slightest.
> 
> The same thing happened to my relative. Except for he did give her HIV. She divorced him.


This, and if it were me, once I was out I'd be thanking my lucky stars.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So why are you even considering staying with him? Not only is he not remorseful, he's continuing to try to cheat on you. Figure out why you're letting yourself be used this way, and get out of there. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

memorialday said:


> And the answer to the question is he truly remorseful? o I dont believe he is, I caught him talking to another woman on the phone a month ago, he was telling her that we were seperated and that he wanted to meet up with her. I had no idea that we were even thinking about getting seperated. I hope that answers the question, IS HE REMORSEFUL!


A person who is not remorseful is more likely to cheat again. People with HIV very often seek out others with the disease carry on with.

What is he doing to prove to you that he is not still cheating?

What is he doing to rebuild your marriage?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

memorialday said:


> I still love him, but love only goes so far when there is all of that resentment. He was there for me when I had a very bad drinking problem, and I feel like if I leave him I would never forgive myself for being that self-ish.


OK, you had a problem. A serious problem. And you stepped up to the challenge and faced it head on. You were imperfect and you still are imperfect, because all humans are imperfect.

But your husband continues to fail to face his mistakes. If he were trying honestly to reconcile and if he showed true remorse, it would be reasonable (but not mandatory) that you try to forgive him.

Also I see a very big difference between a person with internal issues which they struggle with vs the person who makes choices which are directly insulting to the dignity and love of their spouse.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

memorialday said:


> And the answer to the question is he truly remorseful? o I dont believe he is, I caught him talking to another woman on the phone a month ago, he was telling her that we were seperated and that he wanted to meet up with her. I had no idea that we were even thinking about getting seperated. I hope that answers the question, IS HE REMORSEFUL!


Time to kick him out! Seriously. He doesn't deserve you, and you certainly don't deserve what he's doing to you!!!


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

memorialday said:


> And the answer to the question is he truly remorseful? o I dont believe he is, I caught him talking to another woman on the phone a month ago, he was telling her that we were seperated and that he wanted to meet up with her. I had no idea that we were even thinking about getting seperated. I hope that answers the question, IS HE REMORSEFUL!


Did you confront him on this? If so, what did he say?

It's not uncommon for a cheater to tell their affair partner that they are separated, or the marriage is on the rocks, they're on the way out, etc...to justify that it's OKAY. Which of course it is not, since you are NOT separated and you have been thinking the marriage was in a recovery mode.

I'd leave him. Don't worry about the stigma of leaving him "because he's sick", as you know that isn't the case. People dump their spouses for infidelity all the time, it's the single most accepted reason to leave. The fact that he exposed you to potentially getting HIV due to his cheating puts this one over the top.

Ask him to leave. See a lawyer. If you've maintained a good track record in your alcoholism recovery, you should have no problem keeping your child, given his horribly engandering and selfish behavior.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

memorialday said:


> I still love him, but love only goes so far when there is all of that resentment. He was there for me when I had a very bad drinking problem, and I feel like if I leave him I would never forgive myself for being that self-ish. He made a mistake that almost cost me my life! I am extremely mad about that, and I also look at my daughters life is at risk just living in the same house, using the same restroom etc. I am so confused! He will not go to marriage counseling or talk to a pastor because he dosent want anyone to know he is HIV postitve.


He doesn't want anyone to know he is HIV positive? Not entirely sure that should be his choice.


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## husbandfool (May 20, 2012)

Really? If it was accidental that is one thing but ... he cheated and brought HIV into your house where your daughter lives.
Divorce his ass!


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Squirrel away money, prepare yourself in all ways 
and leave
as soon as possible.

You don't love HIM.......you love the idea of him.

Take off your rose colored glasses and find a better life/man/future.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Divorce him, never, ever, ever have sex with him again. Condoms don't always protect against the HIV virus. Please! Just leave this POS, he doesn't deserve you, he doesn't deserve anyone. He's just going to continue to pass this disease along to other women and kill people.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

This is a terrible situation to be in, Memorialday.

I have to agree with many others else on this - Divorce. On top of the fact that he had an affair and put your _life_ at risk with a grievous STD, no one should ever be stuck in a marriage because of guilt. On top of that, you have lingering resentment over the affair, and that you've fallen out of love with this man. The question is - do you _want_ to make this marriage work? _Can_ you make this marriage work? 

This isn't a simple matter of getting over the affair (which, as you can see by reading any number of threads in this forum, is not "simple" at all). Your husband is suffering from a very dangerous illness that could easily threaten your life. What if you get drunk and have unprotected sex with him? It's not too farfetched - he still is your husband, and a moment of weakness or alcohol-induced carelessness is all it would take to ruin your life _permanently_.

As cruel as I may sound for saying so, he made his bed - now he can lie in it.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

memorial,
HIV infection via adultery = attempted murder on you and potentially your daughter. I know the methods by which HIV spreads and the likelihood of your daughter contracting the disease is low, but that is beside the point. This is a "man" who cheated on you, caught a DEADLY disease and may pass it on to you if you are not careful. Trust me, my STBXW has had to take the morning after pill 3 times in two months due to condoms breaking. They are not always safe. It takes up to 6 months before an HIV test would show positive. You may need to keep getting tested if the last time you had unprotected sex with your H was within 6 months. No need to stay here, adultery plus DEADLY disease? This is a no brainer. In addition if we the taxpayer were not subsidizing his medication, he would be DEAD within 10 years.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

memorialday said:


> And the answer to the question is he truly remorseful? o I dont believe he is, I caught him talking to another woman on the phone a month ago, he was telling her that we were seperated and that he wanted to meet up with her. I had no idea that we were even thinking about getting seperated. I hope that answers the question, IS HE REMORSEFUL!


You owe this man nothing. 

How can you deal with the resentment and anger that is normal when a spouse cheats, while you are forced to play nursemaid to the man that caused your anger and resentment.

Caregiving is tough work. Caregiving itself can cause resentment even when you sincerely love the person.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Well, If i were you i would leave... He chose to have unprotected sex with someone and the consequence was getting an incurable STD! He has also put your life in danger (including his own) and your daughters..

You are so very lucky you have not gotten it.

I just read the rest of the posts.. It is ILLEGAL to knowingly transmit HIV to someone else. I am pretty sure he is not telling the woman he is having sex with that he has it. LEAVE HIM!!

Why do you stay, he is still cheating on you.. GET out now. You deserve so much better then this!!


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

memorialday said:


> And the answer to the question is he truly remorseful? o I dont believe he is, I caught him talking to another woman on the phone a month ago, he was telling her that we were seperated and that he wanted to meet up with her. I had no idea that we were even thinking about getting seperated. I hope that answers the question, IS HE REMORSEFUL!


This should tell you what you're probably in for if you stay.He continues to put you and others at risk,because it's doubtful he even tells OW about HIV,and that speaks volumes about his nature imo.


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## memorialday (May 28, 2012)

Shamwow said:


> Did you confront him on this? If so, what did he say?
> 
> It's not uncommon for a cheater to tell their affair partner that they are separated, or the marriage is on the rocks, they're on the way out, etc...to justify that it's OKAY. Which of course it is not, since you are NOT separated and you have been thinking the marriage was in a recovery mode.
> 
> ...


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Go, run.


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## memorialday (May 28, 2012)

Good morning,
Replying to the comment "Did I confont him on this?"  Yes I did confont him, I knew he was acting funny, as bad as it sounds I went threw his phone when he was asleep. I memorized his password. I found that he was talking to this girl quite a bit, and she was telling him how sexy he was (so they had to of been seeing each other). She was saying how come he is single being so sexy and so forth thats when he said that he had left me and that we were seperated. I took pictures of the text messages with my phone so that I would have proof when I confronted him. When I did confront him he immediately got on his phone and deleted everything(but I already had her number). He denied everything, then after a few minutes he said he didnt know who she was and that she had just texted him on accident(wrong number) and they began talking. He appologized and said that he loved me. I told him like an idiot if he ever does it again that I would leave, he says ok. I cried for a month and brought it up constanatly because I still am not over it. He acts like im just suppost to forgive and forget right then. I text the girl and told her the truth that he is married and she never responded. There is no telling if he is still talking to her or not, just the thought of it kills me, I really am ready to leave I just dont know how. All my family lives 7 hrs away and I have a good job here but I do not like the town I live in. All his family lives here, so staying in this town would not be a good option. I just dont know what to do! Just up and leave and take my daughter with me?
And I dont like having sex with him because he does not like to wear a condom, he thinks that if he just pulls out it will be ok. We got in an argument one day about it and he told me that I didnt care about my own life because I was drinking my life away (three years ago) but have been sober since. It seems to me that he knows im really sensitive, and he trys to make me feel guilty for my past mistakes. He told me the reason that he was talking to that other woman was because I didnt meet his emotional needs and Im not A WIFE TO HIM! Please help!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I'm at a total loss for words with your thread.

You are saying for us to help you and asking what to do. The writing is on the wall. No one can help you if you can't help yourself.

You seem to have a problem with boundaries--you have none. You said: 



memorialday said:


> He acts like im just suppost to forgive and forget right then.


He "acts" this way because you have showed him over & over again that you will take anything that he throws at you and still stay. He knows full well, based on your past behavior, that you are going to stick around no matter what he does. 





memorialday said:


> I just dont know what to do!


Really?



memorialday said:


> And I dont like having sex with him because he does not like to wear a condom, he thinks that if he just pulls out it will be ok.


There just are no words. I wish you luck. It seems you don't have any respect for yourself.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> I'm at a total loss for words with your thread.
> 
> You are saying for us to help you and asking what to do. The writing is on the wall. No one can help you if you can't help yourself.
> 
> ...


I agree with JB. And think about your child, even if you have no respect for yourself. She already has one parent with HIV. You're doing your best to make it two.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

You should text the woman and tell her he has HIV, bet their conversations stop after that (unless he's told her already, which I highly doubt). 

WHY would you risk HIV with the pull out method? One little tear in your vagina and you could end up with it, it's not the sperm that carries it, it's the semen, think pre cum. Omg, why?!

Obviously we can't make you leave him, but why on earth would you want to be with a man who has absolutely no care if he infects you with this disease? He doesn't care, and yes it is illegal to knowingly infect someone with HIV and not disclose it to the other party. 

I tell ya, if my partner ever cheated, got the HIV virus, and gave it to me, I don't know what I'd do, but I'm sure it would be illegal and I would go to prison for it. I know it's not easy to make hard decisions, but you need to think about your daughter. And STOP having sex with this degenerate. Holy crap.

ETA: I hope you're getting tested every 3 months. While rare, it can often take a year or so for it to show up on a test. Please, for your life and your daughter, just leave this pile of rubbish and find a man who's deserving of your love and your loyalty.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

You need to get to this other woman somehow and tell her he is HIV positive. Maybe you can save a life.

Then manybe you can save your own, so to speak. He caught HIV from having an affair. Brought it home to you. You stayed. Now he is showing signs of cheating again. You need to get out and start your life again, without HIV. He will not stop. And it will be extremely difficult for you to find someone else if you have HIV. 

He gave you a life sentance of misery...if you let him. Had he caught this disease by some medical mishap or in some other way, I would think differently. But he cheated on you, caught it, and brought it home to you. You have not caught it. You dodged a bullet. Now stop standing in his line of fire like a target because sooner or later the bullet you can't dodge will smack you right between the eyes.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

memorialday said:


> And I dont like having sex with him because he does not like to wear a condom, he thinks that if he just pulls out it will be ok.


WTF :scratchhead:You can't possibly be serious that you allow this to happen!?


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## memorialday (May 28, 2012)

You are right I should leave. I guess I better get ready for lots of drama beacause thats what it is going to be, but atleast I will be getting out with my life. I have to save money and figure out where my daughter and I will live. Just the thought of being on my own after 10 years is quite scary, but God will get me threw this, obviously God saved me from this horrific disease for some reason. Thanks to all!


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

memorialday said:


> You are right I should leave. I guess I better get ready for lots of drama beacause thats what it is going to be, but atleast I will be getting out with my life. I have to save money and figure out where my daughter and I will live. Just the thought of being on my own after 10 years is quite scary, but God will get me threw this, obviously God saved me from this horrific disease for some reason. Thanks to all!


You can do it! You'll be so much better off too, and so will your daughter. Do you have any family that could help you out?


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## memorialday (May 28, 2012)

my mother can help me out, she lives 7 hrs away. She really dislikes my husband, amd when I told her of the situation (him having hiv) she was very supportive and said she didnt want to tell me what to do in my marriage but she thinks I should leave. He found out that I told her he was Hiv positive and put a big guilt trip on me that it was disloyal and disrespectful to tell my mother marital business. He made me feel so guilty for talking to my mother about it. As of the ow she has turned her phone off or changed numbers so I cant tell her about it. Thanks again


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I would divorce him. Sorry...I'm not taking that risk at all. And eww...cheating isn't really forgivable for me anyway.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

memorialday said:


> ...He found out that I told her he was Hiv positive and put a big guilt trip on me that it was disloyal and disrespectful to tell my mother marital business. He made me feel so guilty for talking to my mother about it. As of the ow she has turned her phone off or changed numbers so I cant tell her about it. Thanks again


So he expects you to suffer through everything alone with no support (since he obviously has not been there to support you, and much worse inflicted a lot of damage intentionally).?

He has absolutely no moral high ground to stand on, and no right to lecture you about who you can and can't talk to - you have the right to be truthful with anyone who you think will help you overcome this ordeal, and for a spouse to demand otherwise is verging on abuse.

Your life will be SO MUCH BETTER without his toxicity in it - you will come to recognize that soon enough if you try, but even facing the unknown alone HAS to be 1000x better than what you are stuck with now.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I think you should just get the heck out of there ASAP. Can your mother drive over to pick you up?

Your life and your daughter's life are at risk. Just pack up what you can when he is out of the house and then leave. Anything you left behind is just a bit of stuff, which is not worth your life or your daughter's.

The one thing I would do is try to take some documentation of his HIV status and printouts of financial information such as bank account balances. Take your daughter's birth certificate and passport.

I'm sure your mom can house and feed you and your daughter for a short while until you can get a job and a place of your own.

It might be worth talking with an attorney in your current state of residence before you go. Most attorneys will give you a free 15 minute consultation. Ask about how divorce works in your state and how child custody works. Ask how it would impact the situation given that your husband is HIV positive and that he got it while cheating. In most places the cheating does not change the divorce, but him getting HIV via cheating might help you with custody or alimony.

You can do this. It isn't as difficult as you might fear it being. One day at a time is all you have to deal with. Don't worry about next month or next year, just get you and your daughter safely away.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

memorialday said:


> my mother can help me out, she lives 7 hrs away. She really dislikes my husband, amd when I told her of the situation (him having hiv) she was very supportive and said she didnt want to tell me what to do in my marriage but she thinks I should leave. He found out that I told her he was Hiv positive and put a big guilt trip on me that it was disloyal and disrespectful to tell my mother marital business. He made me feel so guilty for talking to my mother about it. As of the ow she has turned her phone off or changed numbers so I cant tell her about it. Thanks again


Man, that guy has some balls.

Go to your mom. Maybe go on vacation to see her, and start looking for divorce lawyers, find out what you need to do and get the ball rolling. Don't let him guilt trip you for anything, his illness is his fault, not yours and since he has absolutely no respect for you or your health/well being/life, tell him to take a long walk off a short pier.

Educate yourself, but try to get to your mom, and see what you need to do, so you and your daughter can have a real life.

Good Luck!!


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Yes, get copies of his pay stubs and other financial things you'll need and any other paper work you'll need. I'd call a lawyer today and find out what they'd suggest getting. Then pack yours and your daughters things and get out of there. You'll be soooooo much better off, dear.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Having unprotected sex in this day and age is beyond reckless, and his infidelity could have cost you your life and left your 8 year old an orphan. Personally, I wouldn't want to be with such a man.

And he has the gall to call _you_ disloyal and disrespectful for discussing this important issue with your mother? Wow!


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## Bugz Bunny (Nov 28, 2011)

Sorry for this but WTF is wrong with you allowing him to have unprotected sex with you when he is HIV positive...OMG I cant believe this...If you dont care about yourself then at least start protecting your daughter from this crazy environment and this crazy man...

You having sex with him is like puting a gun with only one bullet on your head and only if you are lucky you will survive...Stop this sh!t and start acting like an adult...

You said you are scared of being alone after 10 years...Its better being alone then dead...

And I dont know why are you feeling guilt abou talking to your mother...You should have already exposed him for his cheating and that he has HIV because he clearly doesnt care about having sex with other people after getting the HIV and infecting them on purpose...

He is insane so please at least start being a mother for your daughter and get out of there...and NO MORE SEX WITH HIM...

Good Luck

P.S. God I hope that this is one "troll" thread...


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

memorialday said:


> And I dont like having sex with him because he does not like to wear a condom, he thinks that if he just pulls out it will be ok.


Why the _hell_ are you still having sex with him?! Do you want your daughter to have two sick parents are become an orphan?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

BB I was going to write that I assume she stopped having sex with him over this.

But alas I went back and reread it, sure enough still is, and unprotected nonetheless.

Memorialday: DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM you are lucky so far that you haven't contracted hiv from him, and you acknowledged that, so why would you push your luck over this?

He has gaslighted you and so we are all here to tell you that the way he is treating you is not normal, if you feel neglected in your relationship its because you are. When you get out of that situation everything will quickly become brighter for you.

Leave him, get tested some more, and move on. Find a good counselor to help you work on your codependency so you don't find yourself stuck in the same trap again.


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## BlindSide (Sep 12, 2011)

He cheats on you, gets HIV, guilt trips you, emotionally tortures you AND he tries to have sex with you WITHOUT any protection what so ever? All while still getting it on with the OW? He's a grade A scumbag, and that's putting it lightly.

I really wish you could tell the OW about the HIV your disgusting, low-life 'man' has. She needs to know so she can pick the pieces up from her pathetic life and move on, or she can least notify her other partners (cause girls like these tend to have more than one). In my state it is Manslaughter to knowingly have HIV or AIDS and perform sex acts with someone without notifying them. I hear that in some states it can be labeled Attempted Murder. Definelty check with a lawyer on that one for your own legal self.

Oh yea, and you can transmit the disease through pre-ejaculate fluid. I'm assuming you know what that is, if not then look it up on Wikipedia. So that whole thing where he says 'pulling out will prevent it from spreading' is a huge smelly load of crap.

Also, remember it can take up to 6 months for HIV to show up on blood tests so when you're ready to get out and date again....keep this in mind. If you did ANYTHING AT ALL with him then wait at least 6 months and get tested throughout that 'window period'. Your daughter will probably be safe, but if you unsure then talk to your pediatrician (not with your daughter in the room of course) and see what he says.

Good luck and best wishes to you hun. This is a HUGE mess and it was NOT YOUR FAULT! Don't even go down that road. His willy, his silly. It's not your issues that made him a lying looser.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You may also want to let the people doling out his meds know what he's up to... I doubt they really encourage the spreading of HIV, which is what he's trying to do.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## memorialday (May 28, 2012)

Im not having sex with him! Thats why I said that he says im not being a wife to him! I get tested every 6 months and im still negative.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Your husband needs therapy asap to come to terms with his infection. The fact he demands sex with you in his state suggests the man is not stable mentally.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

memorialday said:


> Im not having sex with him! Thats why I said that he says im not being a wife to him! I get tested every 6 months and im still negative.


Good! Do you know what you're going to do? Can you let us know when and if you leave let us know how you're doing? I hope you do get out and soon, you will be amazed at how much life will be so much better for you and your kiddo. You don't deserve this crap, you and your daughter deserve to be happy.


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## memorialday (May 28, 2012)

I will let everyone know how I am doing. I atleast need to work for another month, unless **** hits the fan and ill be out before than. You are right I have a very bad self-esteem, even though I am told that I am very beautiful by others. I dont know why I have stayed in this situation. I am only 30 yrs old and he is 44. I have alot to look forward to, but I can tell you that I will probabaly never trust another man in my life. I already know that once I leave he will call me everyname in the book and do everything he can to make me feel like a piece of ****. I will be in touch!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Take HIV out of the picture for a second. What has he done to show remorse and show that he is truely sorry? Has he stopped all the cheating ways? If you feel comfortable with those answers then stay and work things out. But according to your posts he has not changed, is not remorseful, nor sorry.

Add the HIV. He wants to have sex. Of course he does. He still has normal needs and desires. Problem is he can kill you by giving you HIV. There are safe alternatives where he will not get the real thing but it will be better then nothing.

I got tested today for STD's. Should have 6 months ago. If the tests show anything I don't know if all the work on R that I and my wife have done will mean anything. For me I am thinking that an A was bad enough. If there would have been a pregnacy I would have been gone. If the tests today show that I have an STD it will take me back to square one.

The more I think about it the more I would say goodbye if my wife would have gotten HIV and I would have dropped her from my insurance.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

memorialday said:


> Im not having sex with him! Thats why I said that he says im not being a wife to him! I get tested every 6 months and im still negative.


Sorry, I thought you said in an earlier post that you were.

I hope your tests remain negative, OP.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

memorialday said:


> I will let everyone know how I am doing. I atleast need to work for another month, unless **** hits the fan and ill be out before than. You are right I have a very bad self-esteem, even though I am told that I am very beautiful by others. I dont know why I have stayed in this situation. I am only 30 yrs old and he is 44. I have alot to look forward to, but I can tell you that I will probabaly never trust another man in my life. I already know that once I leave he will call me everyname in the book and do everything he can to make me feel like a piece of ****. I will be in touch!


He can think what he wants about you. But you must remember HE's the one that stepped out on you, HE's the one that was infected with HIV, HE's the one that ruined his family, now HE's the one who has to deal with the consequences of his piss-poor choice making skills. And you're young and can have yourself your own life with your daughter. I hope you start making arrangements, start by contacting a lawyer for a consultation, getting paperwork in order/making copies and send copies to your mother for safe keeping, and do whatever it is that you need to do to get out of there, safely. And when you do these things, make sure you do them when he is gone.

Wishing you the best!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

One thing to consider and tat is your daughter. Is this the model of a relationship you want her to internalize? You are insecure because I am guessing that you were not cherished as a child. 

Put you daughter first. Treat her like she is the most important person in this. What do you think would be best for her? what should her mother be in order to teach her hoiw to love and trust? 

There are many wonderful men in the would more good than bad. Some are rough around the edges but they are good and will straiten out when their love is returned. 

When yiou are insecure, you draw abusiuve incomplete men to yoiu. That's because you tolerate dysfunction in the initial stages of a relationship. Read up on the feature of men you need to stay away from and how to tell. Take time to get strong and recover from this. 

You really need to get out of this, is just about the worse nightmare that can be imagined. I too bought you said you were having sex with him. If you are, please consider that you need to survive for your child. 

Your reason for not ;leaving makes not sense. Why would yoiu stay with someone who will be verbally abusive if you leave. You shloid rum not walk. Who cares what a man who cares nothing for yiou or his child thinks or says. 

Be good to yourself and give you and your kid the gift of peace and tranquility. You deserve it after this horrible trauma. 

Don't be concerned about leaving your husband. You are not leaving him because he is sick but because he does not love you and care little about his child. 

I have a feeling that he is selfish enough to have unprotected sex with women. That is a criminal offense. When you get away, see if there is any way to prevent him from speeding his disease. 

Tell all of his family and if you find out he is having sex, tell the authorities. It is a crime and they can lock him up. 

Br strong you can do this.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

memorialday said:


> I will let everyone know how I am doing. I atleast need to work for another month, unless **** hits the fan and ill be out before than. You are right I have a very bad self-esteem, even though I am told that I am very beautiful by others. I dont know why I have stayed in this situation. I am only 30 yrs old and he is 44. I have alot to look forward to, but I can tell you that I will probabaly never trust another man in my life. I already know that once I leave he will call me everyname in the book and do everything he can to make me feel like a piece of ****. I will be in touch!


Listen lady....GET OUT NOW!!!! You need some serious advice and help. You SHOULD HAVE BEEN GONE LONG AGO. Your husband is a piece of CHIT low life. He cheated. He caught HIV. He insists on exposing you to it via unprotected sex. He tries to tell you that YOU are being disloyal by trying to seek guidance on this very troubling situation from the person you trust the most. 

If you do not leave now, YOU WILL REGRET IT. Strong words, but in your case I think they are warranted. 

Get out now, and immediately start working on yourself and your self esteem. There are so many women and men out there with low self esteem who ARE ABSOLUTE "CATCHES", but stay in horrible, abusive relationships with pieces of crap because they fear they'll never find another. Bullchit lady...bullchit! Work on yourself. Fake confidence until you FIND CONFIDENCE. I'm not one to "fake" anything, but I also was a low confidence person. And I had to take on a new persona to move on with my life after a horrible divorce. It took me 13 years.....THIRTEEN YEARS!!!!! of not dating (not a single date) before I finally snapped out of it. And at first, I had to "fake" the confidence while I looked deep within myself and finally acknowledged that I WAS A HELL OF A MAN AND A GREAT CATCH for the right woman. I KNEW that deep down, I just had to ACT THAT on the outside. And when I did....it did not take long at all before I didn't have to "fake" a damn thing. The response from the opposite sex was overwhelming. And EXACTLY WHAT I KNEW I DESERVED. I am happier now than I've ever been, and have a wife many could only dream of. And I, like you, thought I'd never trust someone of the opposite sex ever again. I was wrong. Because I was confident in me and THAT ATTRACTED THE HIGHEST QUALITY WOMAN IT HAS EVER BEEN MY PLEASURE TO MEET.

Do not stay with this piece of garbage, NOT ONE MINUTE LONGER. Move on now before it is too late for you to live a happy life. He'll take it if you let him.


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## GTA06 (Feb 17, 2012)

Don't let him hold the fact that he was there for you during your bad drinking problem over your head.You owe him respect when it comes to him being your daughter's father, for being your husband but it's his responsibility to accept the consequences of his actions.It's time you start being objective about how you deal with this situation. continued fluid contact of any sort between you ,your daughter and him can be detrimental for your daughter who at this young age as rightly pointed out doesn't have a fully developed immune system.


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## GTA06 (Feb 17, 2012)

Thor said:


> I think you should just get the heck out of there ASAP. Can your mother drive over to pick you up?
> 
> Your life and your daughter's life are at risk. Just pack up what you can when he is out of the house and then leave. Anything you left behind is just a bit of stuff, which is not worth your life or your daughter's.
> 
> ...





memorialday said:


> Good morning,
> Replying to the comment "Did I confont him on this?" Yes I did confont him, I knew he was acting funny, as bad as it sounds I went threw his phone when he was asleep. I memorized his password. I found that he was talking to this girl quite a bit, and she was telling him how sexy he was (so they had to of been seeing each other). She was saying how come he is single being so sexy and so forth thats when he said that he had left me and that we were seperated. I took pictures of the text messages with my phone so that I would have proof when I confronted him. When I did confront him he immediately got on his phone and deleted everything(but I already had her number). He denied everything, then after a few minutes he said he didnt know who she was and that she had just texted him on accident(wrong number) and they began talking. He appologized and said that he loved me. I told him like an idiot if he ever does it again that I would leave, he says ok. I cried for a month and brought it up constanatly because I still am not over it. He acts like im just suppost to forgive and forget right then. I text the girl and told her the truth that he is married and she never responded. There is no telling if he is still talking to her or not, just the thought of it kills me, I really am ready to leave I just dont know how. All my family lives 7 hrs away and I have a good job here but I do not like the town I live in. All his family lives here, so staying in this town would not be a good option. I just dont know what to do! Just up and leave and take my daughter with me?
> And I dont like having sex with him because he does not like to wear a condom, he thinks that if he just pulls out it will be ok. We got in an argument one day about it and he told me that I didnt care about my own life because I was drinking my life away (three years ago) but have been sober since. It seems to me that he knows im really sensitive, and he trys to make me feel guilty for my past mistakes. He told me the reason that he was talking to that other woman was because I didnt meet his emotional needs and Im not A WIFE TO HIM! Please help!



The way you husband has been acting is indicative of a emotionally insecure man .He seems to think that by being there for you when you hit a bad patch in your life you are supposed been grateful for the rest of his life. Such people like your husband seriously have absolutely no self-respect left inside of him .Instead of facing the consequences he is busy put guilt on yourself. That's not the way a self-respecting husband acts.
I think you have dutifully executed your role as wife by going even to the extent of having sex with him which in itself was extremely risky.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

It doesn't matter whether you had a drinking problem, drug problem gambling problem or sex addiction problem. In your instance you have a life and death problem. You honestly should get away from this person as far and soon as possible. You need to be alive for your daughter. You're not having sex now, but what if you have a night of weakness? Your little girl needs you! For all you know she might not have a dad whose alive for much longer, she at least needs a mom. This guy is sick now and STILL he cheats! Just because you caught these texts doesn't mean there aren't others. I mean you have photos of them! They happened! He said all this stuff about you! It's cruel and horrifying. PLEASE, if you are actually serious and not pulling our leg get out now!


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## BlindSide (Sep 12, 2011)

I did the same as Cosmos and thought you were still having sex with him. I'm so glad you're not! You are a smart and strong woman. =)

Is there a reason why you have to stay for another month?


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## memorialday (May 28, 2012)

Hello, 
I have been thinking the last few days. The reason that I have to work another month so I can have some money when I leave. I have a car that I pay on every two weeks, I cant afford to loose my car! 
I know my husband and we seperated about 6 years ago. I moved out and I stayed in the same city as him. He stalked me, broke in my house and put a baby monitor behind my couch so that he could hear who I was talking to. I mean I already know when I leave it is going to be pure HELL for me and my daughter. I am not making this up at al or pulling anyones chain! I am dead serious about everything I have posted thats why I am here because I dont have anyone to talk to about the things that are going on. right now I have a good job and I hold a license in this state for EMT, I am nationaly registered but in every state there is a different requirement to get a state license. When I leave I will be in a totally different state that has alot more requirements. Plus, when I file for a d wont they tell me that I cannot leave the state with my child until the d is final?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

When you file for D ask for a restraining order so that should take care of him breaking in to your new house.

If you can leave BEFORE you start the D do it, otherwise it's nearly impossible to change states until your kid is 18. Or ask your attorney to add in a relocation clause for you/daughter to the divorce decree.

You're an EMT yet you have unprotected with you HIV positive husband? Seriously?


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

memorialday said:


> Hello,
> I have been thinking the last few days. The reason that I have to work another month so I can have some money when I leave. I have a car that I pay on every two weeks, I cant afford to loose my car!
> I know my husband and we seperated about 6 years ago. I moved out and I stayed in the same city as him. He stalked me, broke in my house and put a baby monitor behind my couch so that he could hear who I was talking to. I mean I already know when I leave it is going to be pure HELL for me and my daughter. I am not making this up at al or pulling anyones chain! I am dead serious about everything I have posted thats why I am here because I dont have anyone to talk to about the things that are going on. right now I have a good job and I hold a license in this state for EMT, I am nationaly registered but in every state there is a different requirement to get a state license. When I leave I will be in a totally different state that has alot more requirements. Plus, when I file for a d wont they tell me that I cannot leave the state with my child until the d is final?


Oh wow, this guy is not only a jerkface supreme, he's a creeper. Ugh. Have you contacted a lawyer? If not, please do so and explain everything you've told us here, ask if it's possible to get out of the state, you could also call the police and see if you could get a PPO on him, he obviously has little thought of other peoples lives. Did you report his stalking and break ins? If so, get all the paperwork together and I think you may have grounds for a PPO. 

If you're going to wait a month (do whatever it is you need to do to make it safe for you and your daughter to leave, DO NOT TELL HIM AT ALL YOU'RE PLANNING TO LEAVE) start making copies of everything you'll need and send them to your mother. Start making arrangements, call a local women's shelter and see if there are any programs that could help you. I don't know if he's abusive to you physically, but he sounds scary and you should probably take a lot of precautions. But whatever you do, please be safe.

If he is that deranged, he may try raping you, that is so scary to think about, I'm not saying he will, but you never know and he carries a deadly weapon with him at all times.


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## memorialday (May 28, 2012)

Yes I am an EMT, and I am not having sex with him, I looked back at the my post I dont know where I said I was having sex with him. Maybe where I said " I dont Like having sex with him". Maybe I should have worded it diffenent. 
Yes I spoke to a lawyer and they want a retainer fee of 500 dollars to get the ball rolling. I think it makes more sense to just leave and then worry about a lawyer later, I definetly dont want him to know I am leaving. Yes I did file an alfadavid when he broke in my house, but it got dropped due to inproper evidence.


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## BlindSide (Sep 12, 2011)

That is nuts that he was stalking you like that last time you two separated! I'd definitely move a state over and try to get a restraining order too. 

I hope you get out alright and that your daughter ends up ok through all of this. She probably has no clue why you're doing this and will be very hurt and confused. Good luck, hun!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Way back on page three, you said:

And I dont like having sex with him because he does not like to wear a condom, he thinks that if he just pulls out it will be ok. 

You didn't say "I DON'T have sex", you said you didn't like having sex with him. I took that to mean you were still having at least occasional sex with him. My apologies for misinterpreting, but it wasn't clear to me.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## domah (May 18, 2012)

memorialday said:


> Hello,
> About 2 years ago my husband came home and said he needed to talk. He said that he had cheated on me a year before and that he just found out that he is HIV positive. Since then I have been tested regularly and I am HIV negative. Thank God I did not get HIV from him. We are still together but I have my doubts as to if I should still stay with him. He dosent like to talk about his disease and kind of acts like it dosent even bother him. He is 13 years older than me andwe have been together for 10 years and married for 7. We have a 8 year old together and obviously we can not have anymore kids together because of his infidelity. I feel alot of unforgiveness and resentment towards him for what he has done. What do I DO?


Sorry to hear about this. It makes it hard that you have a daughter and that he is now HIV positive.

At minimum, no more unprotected sex. I'm not a woman, but I'd probably leave him too.


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## Encore DT (May 29, 2012)

memorialday said:


> And the answer to the question is he truly remorseful? o I dont believe he is, I caught him talking to another woman on the phone a month ago, he was telling her that we were seperated and that he wanted to meet up with her. I had no idea that we were even thinking about getting seperated. I hope that answers the question, IS HE REMORSEFUL!


Let's see, he cheated, he is stuck with a disease, he is not remorseful and he kept going with his pattern by calling some woman on the phone...

What exactly do you still love about him?


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## BlindSide (Sep 12, 2011)

I know this is kinda digging up an old thread, but this was in the news today and it seemed relevent:

Oregon Woman Wins $1M Against Dentist Who Gave Her an STD -- Yahoo!News

Thankfully you're disease free. I hope your plans are moving along and you can get out soon!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Thanks for that link, BlindSide.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

memorialday said:


> Hello,
> About 2 years ago my husband came home and said he needed to talk. He said that he had cheated on me a year before and that he just found out that he is HIV positive. Since then I have been tested regularly and I am HIV negative. Thank God I did not get HIV from him. We are still together but I have my doubts as to if I should still stay with him.
> 
> What do I DO?


You divorce him. ASAP.

If you want, you can stay friends and co-parents. However, staying married to him would be a foolish choice. 

You deserve to be with someone who isn't going to risk your life to get his jollies. He needs to focus on getting well and clearly, you staying with him is enabling his denial about what he is going through.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Listen to your doubts.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

save as much money as fast as you can and liquidate as much as you can on the sly of course. then pack up your daughter and move home to your family and start over!

your a recovering alcholic and in a very stressfull situation which might cause unnessary temptation and your with a man who would jeperodise your life by not wearing a condom!

who cheats on you! 

you will find another job and be around people who love and care for you.

good luck


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