# Advice needed! Do not want to live with in law!



## alegna (Sep 21, 2011)

My fiance wants us to live with his mother after we get married. 
In the beginning of our relationship I did not foresee a problem with this, but as we have been together for 7 years and things have happened along the way I realized that I do not want the mother-in-law to be living with us. Her living habits are not very compatible with myself. Is this bad of me?

He is the only son that his mother has and his parents are divorced. He has a sister that cannot live accommodate the mother. His father is out of the picture. Their family history (as to any family) is a complicated one. His mother is incapable of taking care of herself and has stated that she does not want to work anymore and wants people to take care of her. His grandmother tried setting her up in hopes that she can meet someone and remarry, but that did not work out too well. The mother-in-law is currently out of town and living with the grandmother/her mom. 

My fiance and I have discussed this and I mentioned that we can perhaps get her own apartment. He mentioned "sure, if we can afford it". With trying to save for a house and wedding expenses that we must pay on our own, it might not be possible to get her a place. Once we are married, the mother-in-law expects to move in with us. I don't know what to do and how to convey to the fiance that I do not want have the mother-in-law living with us once we have married/settled. He keeps saying that she expects it and that as a son he needs to take care of his mother. I am not trying to paint the picture that he needs to choose, because I don't want him to. I understand that his mom is an important part of his life, but if he chooses his life with me I want my position in our relationship to be strong and that he does not always "run-to-mommy" because that is how I feel sometimes. I would rather have our lives together begin steady without unnecessary drama/complications. I don't want the mother-in-law to feel that I do not like her, as that is not the case. I just want her to visit our home and family/kids that we will eventually have together and not be a constant presence such as living in the same house. I am open to hear what your opinions are!


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## Junior (Sep 22, 2011)

alegna said:


> My fiance wants us to live with his mother after we get married.
> In the beginning of our relationship I did not foresee a problem with this, but as we have been together for 7 years and things have happened along the way I realized that I do not want the mother-in-law to be living with us. Her living habits are not very compatible with myself. Is this bad of me?
> 
> He is the only son that his mother has and his parents are divorced. He has a sister that cannot live accommodate the mother. His father is out of the picture. Their family history (as to any family) is a complicated one. His mother is incapable of taking care of herself and has stated that she does not want to work anymore and wants people to take care of her. His grandmother tried setting her up in hopes that she can meet someone and remarry, but that did not work out too well. The mother-in-law is currently out of town and living with the grandmother/her mom.
> ...


I understand your frustration with this. The whole point of marriage is so that you guys can spend a life together; His mother isn't getting married with you guys.

Basically, Two options. His love for his mother seems to be normal. I personally will do anything for my mom she raised me! But there's a fine line especially with you guys getting married.

Explain that you want to build a life with him and a family with him. That if he cares that much about his mother there is other ways to take care of her without her moving in. 

I know you brought up the idea that you can save money and possibly get her an apartment. First off that's very considerate of you and that he should take that into account! But remember you have finances to pay also. With all do respect, Going out of your way to pay for another apartment will bring you and your husband financial distress(From the way you explained the finances).

The best way to go about it is trying to show him other ways to help her without her moving in.

If in fact you can't seem to help educate him to try and go about a different way of helping her; Maybe marriage should wait?

Voice your opinion clearly and in a kind way. I'm sure you could help him balance his family with your life.

- Junior


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