# Not in love with him! What should I do?



## mlc6633 (Jun 10, 2009)

I have not felt like I loved my husband since before we got married. I just felt like it was the next step to take. I have been depressed and I think that mainly its because I am not happy where I am in my life and in my relationship. I know what kind of love that I want and I had it before... Its not the love that I feel for my husband. I told my husband last week that I loved him like a friend or brother. I also told him I am not happy and haven't been. He still wants to work it out. I had him set up a meeting to see someone. I guess I should try to see if I can fix the marriage. I still don't know if this is something that I want but I am doing this for him. Am I wrong? Should I just do what makes me happy?


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## HELP ME. (Jun 10, 2009)

Go to the counseling but be true to what you want. It is easy for me to say (vs do), but I think you will be happier living the life you want to live than living a life pretending you are happy. 

Learn from my mistakes. Unfort I didn't realize that I didn't love my wife until after we had kids. That makes life a lot more complex when kids are involved. I am still living in a pretend world. 

Good luck. Post back what happens.




mlc6633 said:


> I have not felt like I loved my husband since before we got married. I just felt like it was the next step to take. I have been depressed and I think that mainly its because I am not happy where I am in my life and in my relationship. I know what kind of love that I want and I had it before... Its not the love that I feel for my husband. I told my husband last week that I loved him like a friend or brother. I also told him I am not happy and haven't been. He still wants to work it out. I had him set up a meeting to see someone. I guess I should try to see if I can fix the marriage. I still don't know if this is something that I want but I am doing this for him. Am I wrong? Should I just do what makes me happy?


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

my suggestion - u do things for yourself - not for him. u can find out wht u want, by taking a back step. spend sometime on your own.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

I'll tell you a story that may make you feel better:

My DD, three months after she married her dh calls me up and says to me nearly word for word what you have written in your post. 
(I was secretly pissed when she told me this, because I'd spent nearly 20 grand on her wedding! )

She and her dh are so intellectually matched and get along so very well in general, it isn't even funny. As a team they can beat anyone in Scrabble or Trivial Pursuit and they have opposing strengths and weaknesses, she is a great budget/penny pincher; he hasn't a clue what "save" means; so they are a good pairing, they have synergy. In addition she used to be somewhat a selfish person being first born and only child for 10 years. He gives and gives, and puts up with her compulsions, he is patient she is not.

Well, I told HER is is normal to feel as she did. I told her young women tend to be hormonal (it is _true_ regardless of what libbers say...) of and on, and to just be patient; take her feelings with a grain of salt, and go see a marriage counselor if she was really concerned about this issue.

Well, THAT was TEN years and three children ago! LOL LOL.
She will occasionally come vent to me about her frustrations with him, she still says he feels like a brother now and then, but they have stuck to the commitment they made and the commitment one makes as a parent when you have children.

In the seventh year of her marriage, my dd was diagnosed with brain cancer. She had 9 hours of brain surgery back in 2006 and when she awoke from surgery she could not SPEAK, WRITE, READ or communicate. They could not get all the cancer out, but got the majority and then she had the chemo to go through for 18 more months. When she woke from that surgery and could sit up, you could tell from her eyes she was "there" and wanted to communicate but she could not. It was very, very hard to see this young woman (with THREE small children), who scored a 36 on the ACTs and had two college degrees, totally debilitated and crying constantly because she could not tell us how she was, how she felt, or ANYTHING, she could only cry. That lasted three weeks, and now three years later, she is so normal it is just a miracle. Her dh has been HER rock and has picked up the "ball" for her and helped her have the faith to get through and survive this brain cancer. He has dealt with the idea of being a single father of three tiny children, he has dealt with her anger at the disease, he has dealt with her surgery and TWELVE repeat MRIs; he has been in the dr office for EVERY appointment concerning her brain cancer. He has stepped up to the plate like some superhero. 

What I am trying to tell you by this story is that the quality of your marital relationship and the strength of it, the "worth" of it cannot be measured by whether you have some hot, sexy, "attracted to you feeling" liken to nuclear fusion. It is not abnormal to not see that feeling ALL the time, or even 10% of the time...sometimes not at ALL, because marriage is not a steady entity because the two people in it are constantly evolving and learning to life life both as a person and as a couple. 

The true test of marriages is "did he/she step up to the plate" when I could not (for whatever reason...brain cancer, a one time affair, a child who dies, an auto wreck that kills your mother). A "trial" of a few months or even a few short years is not enough time to SEE if you really love your spouse or if they deserve your love, because it isn't enough time (in many cases to have the opportunity to step up to the plate and be worthy of real love and understanding). 

True love KNOWS he isn't going to always be the hottest guy, it knows you will be mad at hell at him and doubt your sanity for marrying him at times, but when the true chips of life are DOWN and you _truly_ NEED him, he'll be your hero for real life ups and downs.

Now, if he constantly disappoints and does not step up to the plate in "real" life issues, then you need to find a better man (or woman).


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

That is an awesome story! It is so true. Life is about trials/crisis/fun/depression/etc. No person escapes it! No matter who you are with there will always be something. Who stands by you makes a difference!!! 


QUOTE=Sandy55;62235]I'll tell you a story that may make you feel better:

My DD, three months after she married her dh calls me up and says to me nearly word for word what you have written in your post. 
(I was secretly pissed when she told me this, because I'd spent nearly 20 grand on her wedding! )

She and her dh are so intellectually matched and get along so very well in general, it isn't even funny. As a team they can beat anyone in Scrabble or Trivial Pursuit and they have opposing strengths and weaknesses, she is a great budget/penny pincher; he hasn't a clue what "save" means; so they are a good pairing, they have synergy. In addition she used to be somewhat a selfish person being first born and only child for 10 years. He gives and gives, and puts up with her compulsions, he is patient she is not.

Well, I told HER is is normal to feel as she did. I told her young women tend to be hormonal (it is _true_ regardless of what libbers say...) of and on, and to just be patient; take her feelings with a grain of salt, and go see a marriage counselor if she was really concerned about this issue.

Well, THAT was TEN years and three children ago! LOL LOL.
She will occasionally come vent to me about her frustrations with him, she still says he feels like a brother now and then, but they have stuck to the commitment they made and the commitment one makes as a parent when you have children.

In the seventh year of her marriage, my dd was diagnosed with brain cancer. She had 9 hours of brain surgery back in 2006 and when she awoke from surgery she could not SPEAK, WRITE, READ or communicate. They could not get all the cancer out, but got the majority and then she had the chemo to go through for 18 more months. When she woke from that surgery and could sit up, you could tell from her eyes she was "there" and wanted to communicate but she could not. It was very, very hard to see this young woman (with THREE small children), who scored a 36 on the ACTs and had two college degrees, totally debilitated and crying constantly because she could not tell us how she was, how she felt, or ANYTHING, she could only cry. That lasted three weeks, and now three years later, she is so normal it is just a miracle. Her dh has been HER rock and has picked up the "ball" for her and helped her have the faith to get through and survive this brain cancer. He has dealt with the idea of being a single father of three tiny children, he has dealt with her anger at the disease, he has dealt with her surgery and TWELVE repeat MRIs; he has been in the dr office for EVERY appointment concerning her brain cancer. He has stepped up to the plate like some superhero. 

What I am trying to tell you by this story is that the quality of your marital relationship and the strength of it, the "worth" of it cannot be measured by whether you have some hot, sexy, "attracted to you feeling" liken to nuclear fusion. It is not abnormal to not see that feeling ALL the time, or even 10% of the time...sometimes not at ALL, because marriage is not a steady entity because the two people in it are constantly evolving and learning to life life both as a person and as a couple. 

The true test of marriages is "did he/she step up to the plate" when I could not (for whatever reason...brain cancer, a one time affair, a child who dies, an auto wreck that kills your mother). A "trial" of a few months or even a few short years is not enough time to SEE if you really love your spouse or if they deserve your love, because it isn't enough time (in many cases to have the opportunity to step up to the plate and be worthy of real love and understanding). 

True love KNOWS he isn't going to always be the hottest guy, it knows you will be mad at hell at him and doubt your sanity for marrying him at times, but when the true chips of life are DOWN and you _truly_ NEED him, he'll be your hero for real life ups and downs.

Now, if he constantly disappoints and does not step up to the plate in "real" life issues, then you need to find a better man (or woman).[/QUOTE]


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Sandy55 said:


> What I am trying to tell you by this story is that the quality of your marital relationship and the strength of it, the "worth" of it cannot be measured by whether you have some hot, sexy, "attracted to you feeling" liken to nuclear fusion. It is not abnormal to not see that feeling ALL the time, or even 10% of the time...sometimes not at ALL, because marriage is not a steady entity because the two people in it are constantly evolving and learning to life life both as a person and as a couple.


That was a beautiful story and very true. I think even if you start with the "in love" craze, it goes away anyway. My H feels very much like a friend to me now. i can only hope when we go through our trials we will be there for each other.


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