# My Wife Hates My Parents and I Don't Know What To Do



## BLUEMAN182 (Aug 13, 2014)

I desperately need advice. 

My wife adamantly hates my parents. We have been married for ten years now, and her hatred towards my parents has progressively worsened over the years now to the point that her anger and hate alienates us from my parents and threatens the stability of our marriage. Her hatred towards both my parents and my others siblings is so extreme, I don’t know what to do about it anymore. My wife is a Japanese citizen whom I met when I was stationed in Japan in the U.S. Navy. We got married and had two kids, and then shortly afterwards I was had to leave the U.S. Navy because it was downsizing, and we moved to America. We had no home and no job, so I asked my parents and they reluctantly allowed us to move in with them, along with my two other younger college student brothers whom were also living at home at that time. That is when we started having major problems between my wife and I, and my other family members. For a year and half our two households routinely avoided each other due to huge differences and complaints we had against each other, ultimately with my wife completely avoiding contact with everyone in the house towards the end. My wife suffered from a mental breakdown during that horrible experience. After I graduated from Junior college a year and half later, we immediately left my parents’ home and moved out of state to start a new life. 



After we moved, the Great Recession began, and we struggled horribly over the next five years, simply trying to survive and maintain my employment, unable to prosper or afford to buy a house. During this time my marriage was very strained due to finances and stress. During those years, my Parents would often contact me on the phone, and they would ask to come visit us, mainly so they could visit their grandchildren, sometimes as often as 3-4 times a year. My wife totally despised their visits because she was still greatly offended by our previous experiences living with them from before, but she silently allowed and endured their visits but minimized conversation during the visits. My parents have always acted as though everything was fine between all of us, despite the major problems we all had living together in the past that were so apparent to everyone. 



It was until just recently that my wife and I have had big fights over the fact that my parents want to visit us yet again. 



This time my wife refused to allow it, even though she agreed to it a few months ago, and I had to cancel the visit and make up another excuse to give to my parents. I have become utterly frustrated with this entire long-term family feud, and recently tried to resolve it and finally fix things between my wife and my parents by writing my parents a letter expressing to them our hurt feelings all these years. My intention was to be honest and clear and patient with my parents, explaining to them that my wife’s and my feelings were hurt many years ago during the time we all living together, and we had never gotten over those hurt feelings. I asked them to please try to understand us and acknowledge that we had been hurt, so we could move past those painful memories. 



But to my dismay, my parents reacted very harshly and judgmental to our letters, calling us two-faced and ungrateful people. After several emails back and forth, they ended up attacking my wife in an email, calling her an unloving and cold person, and they wouldn’t acknowledge the fact that our feelings were hurt, saying they don’t remember things being hostile and uncomfortable between our two families during our stay with them years ago. They lectured me for waiting “years” after it all happened to bring it to their attention. My wife and I are offended and even more hurt now, because it was obvious there was much tension between our families, and over the years everyone simply avoided a fight and was silent about it, to keep the peace. To be honest, I don’t think my parents or brothers ever liked my wife, and I suspect there are even a little racist towards her because she is Japanese. My wife thinks they have always been unfair to us, racist, egotistic, living too comfortably, and showing favoritism to my other brothers, whom we both think are very spoiled by my parents as well. 



Now, my wife is completely full of hate and bitterness towards my parents and brothers, and refuses to ever allow them to visit our home ever again. She insists she will never forgive them for what they have said recently to her in their emails, and for how they have offended her years ago. She doesn’t want to allow them to see our children anymore either. She believes that when I die, they will attack her to get their grandchildren back. And now my parents are saying that I have betrayed them, and am a terrible person for waiting this long to express to them our “True Feelings”. 



This dysfunctional family feud is torturing and tearing me apart from inside, and I am losing much sleep over it all. I don’t know what to do at this point. I tried to facilitate communication, honesty, and healing by writing to my parents but it appears to have backfired on me. If you can help me, please give me advice.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

So....do YOU also hate your parents? Or are you jut going along for the ride with your wife?

I can't judge your wife. But that much anger is bad for the soul. Maybe she's a spoiled princess. Maybe she's got some legit anger. Not sure.

You? You don't really have to go along with her decision. Nothing stopping you from taking your kids to see grandmother and pops. Leave her at home. Don't suffer the children because of your own hang ups.


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

Way, way too much anger and offense. It sounds to me like you did the right thing putting it out in the open. Now you need to let time heal the wounds. I'd suggest working on each (your wife and parents) independently until you can get one to forgive the other. Then you can work together with the forgiving one on the other.

I'd be careful, though, about taking the kids to see the parents without your wife. That's asking for trouble unless she's agreed to it (and even then, it's risky).

Your parents have the most at stake. They want to see your grandchildren. Is it too much to ask them to apologize for their part? That might start the healing process.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I can't really understand exactly what your parents did that is so bad that you can't just suck it up and let them see their grandchildren. Maybe talk to your wife about you taking your kids to see them without her. Definitely do not do this without talking to her first.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Blueman182, perhaps the best advice I can give you is to look at things from your parents' point of view.

You are deliberately vague about all these horrible injustices you suffered during your time living with your parents, which might cause one to wonder just how horrible they really were.

But, anyway, back to your parents.

They're enjoying the fruits of their labors. Their one son is in the Navy, doing good. Their two younger sons are living at home, going to college. They have to be pleased- their children are making choices in life that will allow them to succeed in life and be happy.

Aaaaaaaaaand life hands you a hard left turn. You're out of the Navy, with a wife and two small children, and you need a place to stay.

Your parents aren't ecstatic about this turn of events- they still have two college-age sons living with them.

But, and here's the REALLY IMPORTANT PART,

THEY TAKE YOU, YOUR WIFE, AND YOUR CHILDREN IN. They make room for you and your family.

And I can tell that your wife was just really grateful and a perfect guest.

Okay, okay, I'll stop being sarcastic.

Your wife hates the situation, and ends up hating your parents.

You side with your wife, which is good in principle because your spouse does come first.

Except that, again, since you studiously avoid mentioning what kind of bad things happened at your parents' house, the truth is probably that the things weren't that bad.

In other words, you should have found some backbone and told your wife to get over it.

Instead, you WROTE A LETTER to your parents.

The medical term for this is "lost some backbone." Lost ALL backbone, actually.

And then you get all surprised when your parents get pissed off that their backbonically-impaired son is telling them all about his hurt little feelings after they made room for him in their house for a year and a half.

When you needed a place to stay, they were there for you. And for your wife and kids.

When they want to come see their grandkids, this is what they get.

Now, you didn't ask for opinions, so I'm not going to say something like, "in my opinion, you're pretty pathetic as sons go."

I'll stick to advice, as you asked for.

I advise you to apologize to your parents IN PERSON and profusely for being a jackwagon. I advise you to tell your wife to get the f*ck over herself and act like a decent human being towards your parents instead of the type of person that no one would want as a daughter in law.

If you lack the testicular fortitude to get your wife to act like a decent human being, maybe you will have the courage to take your children to see their grandparents by yourself.

Based on your post, I'm not optimistic that even this latter event will occur.

But it seems like it will be okay. From what you have written, it sounds like your parents are fully prepared to get on with their lives and let you get on with yours. I'm pretty sure that will work out well for them. You, not so much.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Blueman,

It would be helpful if you gave us some examples of what caused your wife to hate your parents so much. Specifically what happened?

Here's what I see from what you have given us. Your parents let you move in with them. Your wife didn't like the arrangement and ended up resenting it (not a big surprise). But I'm sure it was no picnic for your parents either. 

Now, years later, you write them a letter complaining about it. Even if your complaints are legitimate, what it looks like to them is that you are ungrateful for the time they let you both stay there. No wonder they are angry.

For the time being, it may be better if you only visit your parents alone, and then let them see their grandchildren at those times. It would just add cruelty to the equation if they were not allowed to see their grandchildren at least.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

What the h*ll EXACTLY happened? Did they burn her toast every morning (minor) or did they call her an ungrateful wh*re freeloader? (major) Big difference. 

We can't possibly help you without more info.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

We need to know what happened during the time you were staying with your parents...the fact that you've left that part out is very telling and doesn't look good for you or your wife.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You acknowledge that your parents were disrespectful to your wife at a vulnerable difficult time in your lives. They gave with one hand and humiliated you and your wife with the other. Ungrateful? You cannot be grateful for a gift that is not really a gift at all but an opportunity to criticize and humiliate. 

I think you should get firmly beside your wife. When anyone, including family, insults your wife, they insult you. You, your children and wife are a unit, don't let them drive a wedge into that team. Look at this through your wife's eyes. She is in a new country, away from her family, learning a new culture and language. You fall on hard times and need to depend on your family for help.

In your wife's ancient Japanese culture, a mother and father would give a gift graciously. If you had to live with her family, they would have treated you like a welcomed son and would take pains to make you feel welcomed. They would have "saved your face" so that you would not feel humiliated. Did your parents do that? 

Or did they resent your depending on them at a time when you needed? The ugly American comes to my mind strangely enough when I compare the two cultures. There is a crudeness and lack of refinement that characterizes some subcultures in America. That is foreign to your wife, no? 

It's a clash of cultures, a lack of sensitivity, a lack of graciousness and true kindness. They are wrong. I would want my children to be influenced by a fine Asian culture of their mother and the best of Western culture of their father rather than the crudest of one of America's subculture. 

Support your wife, she is a better person to invest. After all she gave you children, 10 yrs of companionship, love, loyalty, commitment and an opportunity to immerse yourself in one of the oldest civilizations in the world. You're a lucky man.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I don't know you or your parents from Adam's cat. It does seem to me, though, that if I opened my home and gave my adult son & his family free room and board for 18 months, I would be a pretty damned nice guy. It would obviously be more uncomfortable and awkward than having one's own home but your parents didn't go soliciting for boarders. You and your family weren't the only adult boarders. I'm going to guess that when your father and grandfather were your age, they were handling their own affairs. Not sure what spawned all this ill-will but it'd be impossible to merge multiple families under one room and not have a few problems in 18 months, even if you moved into the Vatican. 
She married a sailor and he ended up temporarily unemployed and struggling. Surprise! Things happen and when we marry, we agree to act married through hard times and through good times. Out of respect for you, she should make nice with your parents. Out of respect for her, you should expect your parents to treat her as family. 
You get only one set of parents. Japan is full of women. Hate to be so blunt, but it's the truth. Your kids didn't pick you and you didn't pick your parents. Husbands and wives can choose to divorce but parents and kids are for life. 
Your parents' home may not have been Disneyland but it was a home when you and your wife and your kids needed one. All involved would have preferred that you and she had your own place but that wasn't the hand you, your wife, or your parents were given. 
She apparently chooses to carry this ugly hate with her instead of viewing your folks with some respect and appreciation. The people who lose the most are your two kids. Their grandparents are an important, irreplaceable link to their roots and you can't replace months and years of time wasted on this useless hate-fest. 
I wonder if the real problem is that she resents you being able to see your parents when she can't see her's. When is the last time she's been back home?


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## Is It Just Me (Sep 8, 2012)

BLUEMAN182 said:


> My wife totally despised their visits because she was still greatly offended by our previous experiences living with them from before, but she silently allowed and endured their visits but minimized conversation during the visits. My parents have always acted as though everything was fine between all of us, despite the major problems we all had living together in the past that were so apparent to everyone.
> 
> My intention was to be honest and clear and patient with my parents, explaining to them that my wife’s and my feelings were hurt many years ago during the time we all living together, and we had never gotten over those hurt feelings. I asked them to please try to understand us and acknowledge that we had been hurt, so we could move past those painful memories.
> 
> ...





What did your parents do that was SO 'offensive'? You are really going to have to give specific examples if you want any actual help from any of us. Was there any kind of abuse of your children? Did they steal money from you? Etc.

I must say that the bolded sentence above gave me pause. Why does your wife have an issue with your parents "living too comfortably"? Combined with her thinking that they are "egotistic" (what does that even mean?) and they were "unfair" to you and her by not giving as much to you as they did to your brothers, it leads me to think that your wife expects to be taken care of by other people; in this instance, you and your parents. I didn't see you mention HER having a job, so are you the only source of income? Do you ever get the feeling this is a green-card type of marriage for your wife?

Whatever your answers are to the above, it doesn't change the fact that 10 years is FAR too long for your wife to be holding a grudge against your family and for you to be indulging her in it (I can't even tell if you actually dislike them yourself or if you are just unable to stand up to your wife). Do you even want to be married to your wife any longer?


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

BLUEMAN182 said:


> My wife adamantly hates my parents. We have been married for ten years now, and her hatred towards my parents has progressively worsened over the years now to the point that her anger and hate alienates us from my parents and threatens the stability of our marriage. Her hatred towards both my parents and my others siblings is so extreme, I don’t know what to do about it anymore.


It seems to me there's other issues here with your wife. Ten years is a LONG time to be holding a grudge or anger.



BLUEMAN182 said:


> We had no home and no job, so I asked my parents *and they reluctantly allowed us to move in with them,* along with my two other younger college student brothers whom were also living at home at that time.


Sounds like your parents had their hands full with two grown sons already living at home. That can be quite a strain ... especially if the sons don't have jobs, and/or don't pay rent or anything toward the bills. I'm not saying you weren't employed or doing those things — but then, you haven't given us a lot to go on.



BLUEMAN182 said:


> That is when we started having major problems between my wife and I, and my other family members. For a year and half our two households routinely avoided each other due to huge differences and complaints we had against each other, ultimately with my wife completely avoiding contact with everyone in the house towards the end. ... After I graduated from Junior college a year and half later, we immediately left my parents’ home and moved out of state to start a new life.


What, exactly, did your family do to cause this resentment and anger? Were they bugging BOTH of you to find jobs and contribute to the household expenses? Did they keep hinting moving out would be good — and sooner, rather than later? Were they making nasty comments to your wife's face about her ethnic background? did they tell her to get over herself and grow up?



BLUEMAN182 said:


> My parents have always acted as though everything was fine between all of us, despite the major problems we all had living together in the past that were so apparent to everyone. ... my parents reacted very harshly and judgmental to our letters, calling us two-faced and ungrateful people. After several emails back and forth, they ended up attacking my wife in an email, calling her an unloving and cold person, and they wouldn’t acknowledge the fact that our feelings were hurt, saying they don’t remember things being hostile and uncomfortable between our two families during our stay with them years ago. They lectured me for waiting “years” after it all happened to bring it to their attention.


I don't agree with your parents' language, but the sentiment is correct. Why didn't you say something all those years ago? And again, why are you NOT describing what supposedly happened?



BLUEMAN182 said:


> To be honest, I don’t think my parents or brothers ever liked my wife, and I suspect there are even a little racist towards her because she is Japanese. My wife thinks they have always been unfair to us, racist, egotistic, living too comfortably, and showing favoritism to my other brothers, whom we both think are very spoiled by my parents as well.


You say your brothers are spoiled. What does that mean? Your parents pay all their bills? they don't have jobs? they get free room and board? (Which it sounds like your parents did for you AND your wife when you lived there.)

And what does your wife mean by your parents living "too comfortably"? Sounds like she's grasping at straws to hold onto her anger. That's a danger sign.



BLUEMAN182 said:


> Now, my wife is completely full of hate and bitterness towards my parents and brothers, and refuses to ever allow them to visit our home ever again. She insists *she will never forgive them for what they have said recently to her in their emails, and for how they have offended her years ago.* She doesn’t want to allow them to see our children anymore either. *She believes that when I die, they will attack her to get their grandchildren back.*


Hmmm. Anger held for WAY too long, check. Irrational fears, check. Sounds like your wife has some serious mental-health issues.

I suggest counseling for both of you immediately. Something else is going on here ... and I have a feeling it has nothing to do with your family. They're just a convenient target for her anger and resentment. What she's angry and resentful about is something a counselor might help discover.


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## Finder (Aug 12, 2014)

You should really give some examples of what happened when you lived together. I've seen many cases where spouses live with in laws and it's almost always the in laws that emotionally abuse the spouse. 

She sounds VERY upset so I'm assuming some very bad things happened that maybe you aren't acknowledging. Your parents reply also reaffirms that assumption.


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## BLUEMAN182 (Aug 13, 2014)

Thank you everyone for all of your comments, it is so much appreciated. It was asked that I give examples of things that happened between my wife and I, and my parents, and my brothers, when we were all living in my Parent’s house. One of my brothers owned a dog that no one took care off, that lived neglected in the back yard. There was a major flea problem because of it. We discovered there was a major flea infestation in the upstairs of the house we lived in, and our infants were getting bitten daily with rashes. When I brought it to the attention of my parents, they didn’t take it seriously or want to really do anything about it to help. I ended up paying by myself out of what little savings I had for the upstairs carpet replacement. My parents are both High School teachers, so the money wasn’t the issue for them. Another example, my younger brother had a big pool party in the backyard one evening, making lots of noise past 9 pm. It was keeping up our 18 month and 6 month old babies, so I asked them all to keep it down, and when they wouldn’t, I broke up the party. But then my parents intervened and sided with my younger brother and allowed him to continue the party, telling me I had no authority in his house. Another example, the house dishwasher broke down one day, probably because it was being used more after we moved in, but after it got fixed they told us we couldn’t use it anymore, while they continued to. I offered to help pay for part of the repair before it got repaired but they told me no. Another example, we started making dinners three to four nights a week, but my father and brothers didn’t like my wife’s cooking and they were always annoyed with our kid’s fussiness at the dinner table, so we started eating our meals separately. I believe that’s when the communication really started to break down within the house. Another example, our kid’s fussiness, crying, and tantrums were often, and despite our best attempts to control their volume level, everyone else in the house routinely complained about it often and it made us feel like ****. Towards the end of our stay, we recognized how unhealthy it was for everyone, and we even tried to move out and rent a small place to stay, but we needed a co-signer, but my parents wouldn’t cosign for us. Another example, there was fence and gate around the pool in the backyard, and everyone would often leave the pool gate open. My 18 month old was always trying to get into the pool area, so I ended up putting a lock on the gate, with the key close by up high. Whenever it was left open I would bring it everyone’s attention, and they would complain to me often about the need for a lock, because it was inconvenient to them. Another example, there was a communication breakdown between my wife and everyone else in the house; No one seemed to care about the fact that my wife was ignored by everyone or didn’t talk to anyone. Its very true that we were a major inconvenience to my parent’s and brothers lifestyle. But we felt we had no other options at that time. I wrote that letter because I felt it would be a safer way of expressing the fact that our feelings were hurt by my parents. But now it feels like it’s backfired on me. 

Thank you Catherine602, your words are comforting to me at this difficult time for me.

Unbelievable, I believe you are correct when you say my wife is jealous she can’t see her parents in Japan; thank you for sharing that.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

You mentioned your wife was ignored or didn't talk to anyone. Out of curiosity, just how well does your wife speak English?


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Wow.

That is one, uh, tale of horrific abuse.

You know, on second thought, I'm going to agree 100% with Catherine0602.

You need to stick so firmly with your wife that you cut your parents entirely out of your life. Nobody in the WURLD is more important than your wife and her feelings. They ATTACKED her! They PHYSICALLY attacked her. With words. In writing! And, years ago, with not-words, by not paying attention to her. Or something.

You also need some counseling- your feelings are really, really hurt. And I know about feelings being hurt, because I was in 3rd grade once.

The problem is you and your wife, not you and your parents.

Maybe one day you'll figure that out.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

Blueman (and other readers), I ask you to bear with me. This will be a little long; I'm going to give you my take on each of your examples.



> One of my brothers owned a dog that no one took care off, that lived neglected in the back yard. There was a major flea problem because of it. We discovered there was a major flea infestation in the upstairs of the house we lived in, and our infants were getting bitten daily with rashes. When I brought it to the attention of my parents, they didn’t take it seriously or want to really do anything about it to help. I ended up paying by myself out of what little savings I had for the upstairs carpet replacement. My parents are both High School teachers, so the money wasn’t the issue for them.


Yes, fleas are a danger to young children (any bug is, for that matter). But HOW did you bring up this issue to your parents? Did you show them proof of infestation and offer to help pay for carpet replacement? Or did you just demand that something be done about it? 

I'm also curious how an upstairs room got infested with fleas from a dog living in the backyard. Those critters can jump, but not THAT far. Was the dog allowed to roam the house?

Also, may I ask how you knew money was not an issue for your parents at the time? If there are six adults and two young children in the home — and four of those adults aren't working (at least, that's the impression I'm getting) — that would be quite a financial strain. I don't know what city your parents teach in, but high-school teachers really don't make all that much. And if they were supporting you, your wife and your brothers, that adds up.



> ...my younger brother had a big pool party in the backyard one evening, making lots of noise past 9 pm. It was keeping up our 18 month and 6 month old babies, so I asked them all to keep it down, and when they wouldn’t, I broke up the party. But then my parents intervened and sided with my younger brother and allowed him to continue the party, telling me I had no authority in his house.


That's technically true; it's your parents' house. You have no authority to do such things in their house or to your adult brother. Did you point out to him your children were trying to sleep?



> ... the house dishwasher broke down one day, probably because it was being used more after we moved in, but after it got fixed they told us we couldn’t use it anymore, while they continued to. I offered to help pay for part of the repair before it got repaired but they told me no.


This is odd. Did they explain — or did you ask for an explanation — why you couldn't use the dishwasher anymore? What, exactly, were you doing with it?



> ...we started making dinners three to four nights a week, but my father and brothers didn’t like my wife’s cooking and they were always annoyed with our kid’s fussiness at the dinner table, so we started eating our meals separately. I believe that’s when the communication really started to break down within the house.


Did your wife insist on doing the cooking, or was she asked to help out? I can understand her being hurt if they didn't like her cooking, but did your father and brothers explain what, exactly, they didn't like about it?

And why would you want your children to eat with the adults? Eighteen and six months old is WAY too young to be eating at an adult table — and yes, I'm speaking from personal experience. Fussy young children ruin any meal.



> ...our kid’s fussiness, crying, and tantrums were often, and despite our best attempts to control their volume level, everyone else in the house routinely complained about it often and it made us feel like ****.


I agree your family could have been more understanding. Little kids cry and whine and fuss all the time. However, from your family's point of view, I'm sure it was a tremendous shock and annoyance. Living with young children, especially if one's own children have been grown for some time, can throw a real monkey wrench into any household.



> Towards the end of our stay, we recognized how unhealthy it was for everyone, and we even tried to move out and rent a small place to stay, but *we needed a co-signer, but my parents wouldn’t cosign for us.*


This is also odd to me. Why would they not co-sign? Were they afraid you and your wife weren't responsible or financially-stable enough to handle it? And why would a landlord require a co-signer on an apartment? In my experience, they usually just ask for a bigger deposit.



> ...there was fence and gate around the pool in the backyard, and everyone would often leave the pool gate open. My 18 month old was always trying to get into the pool area, so I ended up putting a lock on the gate, with the key close by up high. Whenever it was left open I would bring it everyone’s attention, and they would complain to me often about the need for a lock, because it was inconvenient to them.


I applaud you for taking steps to ensure your little one's safety. It seems your family was selfish with this one, and didn't understand (or your mother forgot) what living with young children is like. I understand how this could cause some resentment.



> ...there was a communication breakdown between my wife and everyone else in the house; No one seemed to care about the fact that my wife was ignored by everyone or didn’t talk to anyone.


How well does your wife speak English? Did you attempt to integrate her into the family (nights out, playing board or card games with your family, etc. etc.)? Did SHE make any overtures of friendliness and civility to them? Or did she keep to herself and refuse the family much access to your kids? Did they say/indicate they wanted nothing to do with her? 

It still seems to me there's something else going on here with your wife. Yes, your family's a bit selfish and self-centered. However, unless they physically abused or attacked the children or your wife, none of what you've described here is grounds for holding a grudge for ten years. I stand by my suggestion of counseling for both of you.


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## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

No matter WHO my children pick when they grow up, I'm going to be a GIANT FAN. And if I'm not a giant fan, then I'm still going to be a giant fan. At least, as far as anyone knows. 

Make an enemy of your kid's spouse, and you just lost access to your grandchildren. Very foolish and short-sighted of your parents, it seems to me. 

Maybe your parents are in the right. Or not; I don't claim to know. But they can be right all day long and into the night, and it won't make up for not seeing their grandchildren. They are not exercising good judgment here.

I'm sorry you are caught in the middle.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

It sounds like a case of too many people, not enough living space.

I'm with your parents on your brothers party - it was one night. You should have let it go.

All the other things are strange though, especially the pool gate - wtf? Honestly, if they didn't want you there they should have said no to you moving in.

I think you should stick with your wife. If your parents were particularly nasty to her, then they lose their grandparent privileges.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Blueman, how much did you and your wife contribute to pay the rent/mortgage, utilities, food, etc. while living with your parents?


BLUEMAN182 said:


> Thank you everyone for all of your comments, it is so much appreciated. It was asked that I give examples of things that happened between my wife and I, and my parents, and my brothers, when we were all living in my Parent’s house. One of my brothers owned a dog that no one took care off, that lived neglected in the back yard. There was a major flea problem because of it. We discovered there was a major flea infestation in the upstairs of the house we lived in, and our infants were getting bitten daily with rashes. When I brought it to the attention of my parents, they didn’t take it seriously or want to really do anything about it to help. I ended up paying by myself out of what little savings I had for the upstairs carpet replacement.


Since you were the one if home who had an issue with the flies, it naturally fell on you to handle it. I’m not sure why you replaced the carpet since there are lots of ways to get rid of flees that do not entail replacing the carpet. After all wouldn’t new flees just invest the new carpet? 

You had two ways of looking at this. 

One is that your parents owe you to do all the work and upkeep in the house. You could change the carpet at great expense when carpet change is not required to get rid of flees. Then you could get angry and hang on to the anger for years and years. 

Another, healthier way would have been for you and your wife to take care of the problem and accepted it as part of your responsibility as adult members of the household. Your parents were kind enough to let you, your wife and 2 children live with them for a long time. 




BLUEMAN182 said:


> My parents are both High School teachers, so the money wasn’t the issue for them.


High School teachers don’t earn all that much. You don’t know what their finances really look like. It’s not for you to decide what they can and cannot afford. There are cheaper ways to get rid of fleas. Vacuuming alone will get rid of most of them. Then there are many other things that can be done with vacuuming to cure the infestation. You decided to spend the money on carpet. That was your choice. It cannot be held against your parents that you made that choice.



BLUEMAN182 said:


> Another example, my younger brother had a big pool party in the backyard one evening, making lots of noise past 9 pm. It was keeping up our 18 month and 6 month old babies, so I asked them all to keep it down, and when they wouldn’t, I broke up the party. But then my parents intervened and sided with my younger brother and allowed him to continue the party, telling me I had no authority in his house.


Your parents are right. You have no authority in their home. If they want to let your brother have a big pool party then that’s their right to do so. One night to noise and disrupted sleep will not hurt children. 




BLUEMAN182 said:


> Another example, the house dishwasher broke down one day, probably because it was being used more after we moved in, but after it got fixed they told us we couldn’t use it anymore, while they continued to. I offered to help pay for part of the repair before it got repaired but they told me no.


Did they blame you or your wife for breaking it? This one I have no clue about. Surely there is more to this story.



BLUEMAN182 said:


> Another example, we started making dinners three to four nights a week, but my father and brothers didn’t like my wife’s cooking and they were always annoyed with our kid’s fussiness at the dinner table, so we started eating our meals separately.


I get that a person’s ego can be hurt when someone does not like the food they cook. But people’s taste in food is a pretty personal thing. So they did not like her cooking. In the grand scheme of things they are not obligated to eat what she cooks if they don’t like it. 

This could have been resolved if she had sought to learn to cook things that they like. Often times both sides have a valid point of view. Your wife did what she thought was a good thing in cooking. But they did not like her cooking. The way to solve this is for one side to give. She could have found things to cook that they like. What did she do to learn new recipes that your father and brothers would like?

And yes, small children can be annoyingly fussy at the dinner table. In a lot of families, small children are fed first so that the adults can eat in peace.



BLUEMAN182 said:


> I believe that’s when the communication really started to break down within the house.


Again what did you and your wife do to accommodate the other family members around dinner time? Did you feed your children first? This is a rather normal thing to do. Do your wife learn recipes that your family would like?



BLUEMAN182 said:


> Another example, our kid’s fussiness, crying, and tantrums were often, and despite our best attempts to control their volume level, everyone else in the house routinely complained about it often and it made us feel like ****.





BLUEMAN182 said:


> Towards the end of our stay, we recognized how unhealthy it was for everyone, and we even tried to move out and rent a small place to stay, but we needed a co-signer, but my parents wouldn’t cosign for us.


Your parents have no obligation to co-sign anything for you. I’m not sure why you think that this is something that they had to do. IF they co-signed for you that means that if you defaulted hey would have to pay your rent for the rest of the lease. Plus it hurts their credit report even if you pay your rent on time very month.



BLUEMAN182 said:


> Another example, there was fence and gate around the pool in the backyard, and everyone would often leave the pool gate open. My 18 month old was always trying to get into the pool area, so I ended up putting a lock on the gate, with the key close by up high. Whenever it was left open I would bring it everyone’s attention, and they would complain to me often about the need for a lock, because it was inconvenient to them.


My bet is that they were just not used to having to use the lock and just kept forgetting. There are locks that can be used that auto lock and are easy for an adult to open but children cannot open. A better solution would have been one of these types of locks as it would have automatically locked. Unfortunately you and your wife seem to have taken their forgetfulness as an all-out attack on you two. Sounds like your problem. 



BLUEMAN182 said:


> Another example, there was a communication breakdown between my wife and everyone else in the house; No one seemed to care about the fact that my wife was ignored by everyone or didn’t talk to anyone. Its very true that we were a major inconvenience to my parent’s and brothers lifestyle. But we felt we had no other options at that time.


Your brothers were young adults. They were probably focused on their life outside the home. That’s normal at that age. 

Based on the list you gave above and the way you and your wife handled them, I can see why there your family did not bond to your wife. 



BLUEMAN182 said:


> I wrote that letter because I felt it would be a safer way of expressing the fact that our feelings were hurt by my parents. But now it feels like it’s backfired on me.


You have been listening to your wife gripe about this for years with no real outside perspective. To me it sounds more like a case of your wife trying to alienate you from your family than anything else.


You and your wife would benefit from going to counseling to get an outside perspective on all this. From the examples you gave, I’m sure that you parents and brothers are not perfect but you and your wife contributed to the problems by not handling them well and by not working them out at the time. Years later is way too late.

Now you have to work to repair your relationship with your family as well as figure out why you and your wife have harbored so much anger and ill will over this for so long. 

Your parents helped you two out in a time of need. You should be grateful that they did it. It’s hard for and adult to return to the family home years after leaving with a spouse and children. But they helped you out anyway. And you resent them for helping you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

frusdil said:


> It sounds like a case of too many people, not enough living space.
> 
> I'm with your parents on your brothers party - it was one night. You should have let it go.
> 
> ...


My take on this is that his brothers were thoughtless young adults. They were not used to have to lock the gate so they would just forget. It's pretty typical of guys that age to not think of details like using a pad lock every time they got in/out of the pool area.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Blueman,

Sorry you're in this situation. You are vague in the specifics of this mess so that leaves us guessing what the real issues are with your family. As I read between the lines of this story I am discerning some things. Foremost, the core issue is not between your wife and parents. It's between you and your wife. The trouble between your wife and parents is a blend of issues, but mostly it is a side effect of the real issue. I perceive your folks are well meaning, but probably overbearing which provided a perfect storm of opportunity for you/wife's issues to appear.

So, what's the real issue? I can usually sniff out "conflict avoidant" a mile away, and you are giving me that vibe strongly. I suspect your wife resents you for not standing up for her to your pushy, overbearing parents who felt entitled to run your lives because they were bailing you out of a tight spot. Yes, I know that your folks were also loving and concerned, but all the good was eclipsed by the negative in wife's mind. This can fester with time in certain personalities and it looks like your wife struggles with it. You grew up knowing nothing other than your folks, but maybe others would be appalled at their ways, while you find it acceptable. 

What to do? Decide who you are married to. Either your wife, or your parents. It can't be both. No man can serve two masters simultaneously. That's a truth and you are not exempt from it. That does not mean that wife's/parents interests are mutually exclusive, but if you find yourself in a situation where you must choose between the two, you better have the guts to put the secondary party in its place decisively. 

This does not equate to dishonoring your folks, but they might try to interpret it that way. If they do it's proof positive they are pushy, overbearing and so forth. Your wife craves this from you and you have not delivered, thus the years of built up resentment that you are experiencing now. Don't make the mistake that it's all in the past and she's over it. Some personalities not only nurture grudges, they cherish them. If you fail to stand up for your wife to those who have habitually overstepped boundaries, then you are dishonoring her and you will eventually pay the price. 

If you determine that my comments are correct then this community can give you good advice in how to make your wife feel honored, respected, safe, etc. No spouse on this planet likes to think of themselves as plan b, even if the "affair partner" is a loving parent. Sorry if my assessment was off the mark, but I did the best I could in spite of the vagueness of your first post. Good luck.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> My take on this is that his brothers were thoughtless young adults. They were not used to have to lock the gate so they would just forget. It's pretty typical of guys that age to not think of details like using a pad lock every time they got in/out of the pool area.


But he put the padlock on because no one was shutting the gate...these are college age boys, surely they can shut a gate?


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## CoralReef (Jul 1, 2014)

***Trigger Warning***

If discussions about race make you mad because it isn't "that" bad then please do read the below articles.

If you don't think racism in America is much of an issue then please do read the below articles.

If you only believe in what you can actively see happening then please do educate yourself and read the below articles.

If you assume that racism can only occur if the aggressor is *intending* to be racist then please do enlighten yourself and read the below articles.

If your first response when someone calls out racism is to roll your eyes or get amped up because the "race card" has been pulled then please prop up your feet and read the below articles.

If you think you have a right to tell a person of color whether or not someone else was being racist towards then them then please do...take out a pad of paper and a pen and take notes on the below articles.

*Racial Microagressions and the Asian American Experience*

http://psy6129.alliant.wikispaces.net/file/view/Sue,+Bucerri+et+al.+2007.pdf

*Examples of Racial Microagressions*

http://www.uwsp.edu/acadaff/NewFacultyResources/NFS%204%20Microaggressions_Table.pdf

*21 Daily Racial Microagressions*

http://www.buzzfeed.com/hnigatu/racial-microagressions-you-hear-on-a-daily-basis


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

frusdil said:


> But he put the padlock on because no one was shutting the gate...these are college age boys, surely they can shut a gate?


You'd think they could, but apparently it was beyond them.

My children are in there mid 20's now. So I've had a lot of young adults in my house the last few years. Some are very responsible. Some are just flakes. For some of them remembering to use a pad lock would be beyond their capabilities to focus.

I'm not excusing flaky young adults. Instead I'm saying that when one method proved to difficult for dunderhead kids, then you look for a more automatic solution. It beats the heck out of festering resentment and holding grudges for decades.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

What sticks out to me OP is that fact that all throughout your story you mention hard times with your wife at different time periods. It calls into question for me is she just a difficult person to be around ?

Some or the examples you stated when living with your parents seem justified in being upset. But remember they opened their home to you and you were a young man still trying to make your way in the world while once again living with mom and dad. I imagine most people are going to struggle in this situation. Point is that while you were upset I'm guessing they were as well. They managed to put it behind them but you and you wife, or maybe just her, didn't and I wonder why. Why not just accept that it was a tough but necessary situation.

This sounds like the relationship between your wife and your parents are now broken and doesn't sound like it can be fixed. Time for cooler heads to prevail and just say hey we are going to get together, on occasion, for the grand kids and just be polite to one another and leave the past stuff alone


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## BLUEMAN182 (Aug 13, 2014)

Moderator, my wife speaks limited english, but enough to hold a basic converstation in english, and enough to know when she is being criticized by my parents.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

BLUEMAN182 said:


> Now, my wife is completely full of hate and bitterness towards my parents and brothers, and refuses to ever allow them to visit our home ever again.


Frankly, as a parent of adult children with children (my grandchildren), I would not WANT to have anything to do with a person that is so full of "hate and bitterness" toward me.

Now back to how your parents were when they graciously took your family of 4 in: 

The things they did & didn't do were not that bad. I'm not sure about cultural differences so won't comment. As you know, it was an uncomfortable situation for all parties but at the end of the day, it was your choices that led you to the situation.

I get that you were hoping for a different outcome with your letters. I guess if I wanted to have a relationship with my son & grandchildren, I would have been kinder, apologized, try to make amends, etc. to keep the peace; but they didn't & I do not blame them.

Maybe you can negotiate a way to bring your children to see your parents on your own otherwise I don't see the situation changing. Not only does your wife dislike your parents, your parents dislike your wife.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

BLUEMAN182 said:


> We discovered there was a major flea infestation in the upstairs of the house we lived in, and our infants were getting bitten daily with rashes. When I brought it to the attention of my parents, they didn’t take it seriously or want to really do anything about it to help. I ended up paying by myself out of what little savings I had for the upstairs carpet replacement.


Sounds like an over-reaction on your part. I too would be miffed if I had to take responsibility for someone else’s dog. Still, in doing so, I would do so cheaply. I’m sure taking the dog to the groomers for a flea bath and sprinkling some diatomaceous earth (non-toxic to humans but lethal to fleas) on the carpet and giving the dog a flea collar would not have depleted your savings. 

As miffed as I may have been about spending money on that, it would be forgotten when I remembered that I was living for free or nearly free with my spouse and two kids in someone else’s home and that I was being done a HUGE favor by them.



BLUEMAN182 said:


> Another example, my younger brother had a big pool party in the backyard one evening, making lots of noise past 9 pm. It was keeping up our 18 month and 6 month old babies, so I asked them all to keep it down, and when they wouldn’t, I broke up the party.


Another over-reaction on your part IMO. As a mother of 2, I understand that it can be inconvenient when your kids won’t settle down to sleep. HOWEVER, if your kids can’t sleep with a little noise it’s because YOU conditioned them that way. I have never tip-toed around my kids at night or insisted on silence. As a result, they both can sleep with noise. Kids come into OUR world, not the other way around. They will adjust accordingly. Expecting everyone to be quiet in their own home just because you have kids is self-centered and entitled. 



BLUEMAN182 said:


> But then my parents intervened and sided with my younger brother and allowed him to continue the party, telling me I had no authority in his house.


Seems legit. It’s your parent’s house, not yours so you had no authority to enforce rules. If the owner of the house allowed the party; while an inconvenience to you and your wife, you just suck it up. Given that you had nowhere else to go and they were doing YOU a favour by allowing you and your family to live there, it is expected that you have to follow their rules even if you don't like or agree with them. 



BLUEMAN182 said:


> Another example, the house dishwasher broke down one day, probably because it was being used more after we moved in, but after it got fixed they told us we couldn’t use it anymore, while they continued to. I offered to help pay for part of the repair before it got repaired but they told me no.


Meh. Not the nicest behaviour on account of your parents but certainly not harsh treatment IMO. I see where the over-reaction on your part comes from. It was an over-reaction on account of your parents not to let you use the dishwasher after you broke it even though you offered to help pay for the repair. 




BLUEMAN182 said:


> Another example, we started making dinners three to four nights a week, but my father and brothers didn’t like my wife’s cooking


That’s when you discuss what she could cook instead or your parents, you or your brothers cook and you guys clean up. My in-laws hate my coffee. So my solution is to ask them to make me some coffee up at the cottage when I feel like having a cup since they prefer how it tastes when they do it. I like their coffee so everyone is happy.




BLUEMAN182 said:


> and they were always annoyed with our kid’s fussiness at the dinner table, so we started eating our meals separately. I believe that’s when the communication really started to break down within the house. Another example, our kid’s fussiness, crying, and tantrums were often, and despite our best attempts to control their volume level, everyone else in the house routinely complained about it often and it made us feel like ****.


I’d have to say I’d have to be there. Maybe they were over-reacting or maybe your kids were fussier and louder than they should have been. What I do know is that one’s own children’s crying and noise is always less annoying to you as their parent than it is to everyone else. It would also be an adjustment to be used to having grown children who don’t fuss, cry and whine and then suddenly live with not one but two whining, crying, fussing babies. Especially if they don’t sleep through the night.




BLUEMAN182 said:


> Towards the end of our stay, we recognized how unhealthy it was for everyone, and we even tried to move out and rent a small place to stay, but we needed a co-signer, but my parents wouldn’t cosign for us.


Your parents had no legal or moral obligation to cosign for you. It would be nice if they did but they aren’t obligated to take the legal and financial risk of doing so for you. 




BLUEMAN182 said:


> Another example, there was fence and gate around the pool in the backyard, and everyone would often leave the pool gate open. My 18 month old was always trying to get into the pool area, so I ended up putting a lock on the gate, with the key close by up high. Whenever it was left open I would bring it everyone’s attention, and they would complain to me often about the need for a lock, because it was inconvenient to them.


I can’t blame you for getting a key. I still don’t see their complaining about the locked gate as harsh treatment, racism or abuse. Ultimately though, watching your 18 month old in the yard, lock or no lock is you and your wife’s responsibility. As your brother didn’t have kids of their own, remembering to keep the gate closed just wasn’t on their radar. That same sense to protect and watch for dangers just wasn’t there or on the same level because they’re not parents. While not ideal, it’s not harsh treatment, racism or abuse. As said, watching the toddler is your job and wife’s job and not yours. If it were me, I would go close the gate or make sure it was closed as soon as I went into the yard. I also don’t let toddlers play in the yard alone so it would be a non issue. 

We have a family cottage with lake front and a dock that my toddler could fall into. Making sure that doesn’t happen is MY job and my spouse’s job as his parents.




BLUEMAN182 said:


> Another example, there was a communication breakdown between my wife and everyone else in the house; No one seemed to care about the fact that my wife was ignored by everyone or didn’t talk to anyone. Its very true that we were a major inconvenience to my parent’s and brothers lifestyle. But we felt we had no other options at that time.


Could this also have been caused by you and your wife’s choice to actively avoid everyone in the home and to stop eating dinner with them? In your opening post you admit that your wife avoided them all. How warm and inviting did you expect them to be if she was avoiding them all? I hear a lot of blame for the breakdown on directed at your parents/brothers but very little responsibility on account of you and your wife. This is in addition to a disturbing lack of gratitude for their helping you during this time and a strong sense of entitlement. 



BLUEMAN182 said:


> Its very true that we were a major inconvenience to my parent’s and brothers lifestyle. But we felt we had no other options at that time.


The above almost sounds like you blame them for your circumstances at the time which caused you to have to move in. Yes, YOU had no other options at that time. Your lack of options are not the fault of your parents or brothers. As an adult man with a wife and two kids, you guys got yourselves in that dilemma. Your parents had an option of whether to help you and your wife and two kids out or to turn you away. They didn’t have to take you in but they did. 



BLUEMAN182 said:


> I wrote that letter because I felt it would be a safer way of expressing the fact that our feelings were hurt by my parents. But now it feels like it’s backfired on me.


I’m aghast that this is a surprise to you. Honestly, it sounds like your wife is very much to blame as are you for the conflict between you and your parents and wife and your parents. If I were your parents, receiving such a letter would feel like a huge slap in the face to me. After taking in you, a wife and two kids for a year and a half, then years later being given a letter of how awful I was and how I’m not welcome and can’t see my grandchildren, I would be extremely hurt, angry, unappreciated. I would feel like the grandchildren are being used as pawns and that you and your wife are being petty for holding a grudge after all of these years.

Your parents “inconvenienced” themselves for a year and a half. They never had to do it. Your “harsh treatment” examples sound nothing more than conflict that is to be expected when two adult families combine households. Further, it was poorly handled by you and your wife. I think you and your wife are over-reacting and the kids will suffer by not having a relationship with their parents. To me the bigger sacrifice here is the year and a half you lived with them vs the 3-4 short visits they would like to have with your kids.

I also think (I am a person of colour) that if your parents were truly racist, they would not have let a Japanese person into their home for over a year and they wouldn’t want anything to do with the grandkids on account of them being half Japanese. Unless you can pinpoint examples of your parents being racist to your wife, I don’t see it. Not wishing to eat her food (I’m assuming a lot of it was Japanese cuisine) is not racism. If I moved to Japan with a Japanese man and started cooking North American cuisine for him and his family, and his family didn’t like my cooking because they were used to Japanese food that would not be racist that would be cultural differences.


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## BLUEMAN182 (Aug 13, 2014)

Thank you again everyone for your comments. Your comments help me look at this issue from different angles. COMMONSENSEISN’T, your words resonate with me strongly. A man must protect his wife and put her first and foremost above anyone else. I have always felt that I have put my wife first, but I’m starting to realize that she may not have felt I have put her first when it comes to the relationship with my parents over these years. The fact is my parents reluctantly gave us board during a desperate time in our lives. Both we and my parents mishandled the experience. It didn’t work out at all, everyone’s feelings were hurt. Because of it all, my wife doesn’t like my parents, and my parents don’t like my wife. Everyone avoided a confrontation for years, although it was obvious there was a deep scar and everyone should have understand there was pain present. Now I have brought it into the light. In hopes to find a solution to it, I instead ignited a fire that I probably won’t be able to put out now. My parents are stubborn and so is my wife, and because there are fundamental differences in opinions and unrelenting attitudes on both sides of the fence, there probably will never be true peace. 

My mother recently said to my wife in an email that she thinks my wife is a cold and shallow person. And then my mother tried calling to speak to her granddaughter three days later to wish her a happy birthday. You can’t insult a mother, and then walk right around her and say “Hi” to her daughter, acting as though everything is fine and dandy. That seems ridiculous to me, it’s like she is belittling, negating, and ignoring my wife’s feelings. Now my wife wants an apology, threatening to withhold further conversations with their grandchildren, but my wife probably won’t receive an apology, or will only receive a half-ass insincere apology from my mother, at best. 

It seems to me, even if my parents don’t like my wife, and have never liked my wife, and now this has been brought into the light now, it seems common sense to me that if they want to continue to have healthy access to their grand-daughters lives then they had best acknowledge my angry and offended wife. My common sense tells me that until that happens, there is no solution to this problem.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

It's a choice of siding with your parents or your wife. Depends on who you value more. Unfortunately, either decision has a costs. And you need to decide which costs you want to pay in the future. 

Take some time to determine what the costs are for both choice. Think long term. Post here if need some feedback.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It seems there was a culture clash involving the raising of the children. Japanese traditionally don't try to discipline their children until they've reached the 'age of understanding' which is 7. To us Westerners, the children can seem very spoiled (and annoying).

A dear friend's brother married a Japanese woman who raised their children in this manner. Needless to say, relatives did not want to be around their children.

Your wife is hurt and feels it is all everyone else's fault. You're taking your wife's side. Sure, your parents could have bent over backwards, but why should they have? After all, they both had full time jobs and two college kids to take care of. 

It's time you and your wife have a conversation about just how serious your family's injustices were and how maybe, just maybe, you two were and are acting like a couple of entitled princesses.

And, if you both still think that you're in the right then calculate how much rent money your parents saved you and send them a check. Then you'll be entitled to ***** about your lousy landlords.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

The thing that saddens me about this whole thing is that your children won't have a wonderful, healthy relationship with their grandparents because you, your wife and your parents can't get over yourselves. 

Don't deny the children that special relationship just because of your wife's hatred for your family. Don't make the children suffer because the adults in their lives can't act like adults.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Out of curiosity. Did your just come out of the blue and tell your wife that she think's that she is shallow and cold? What transpired?


Have you considered counseling to resolve this? I wonder if an intervention can be done so that all of you can work through this.

It sort of reminds me of the Hatfield and McCoys after a while they forgot why they did not like each other... they only remembered that they did.

Yes I know you remember details as do your parents. But it's been so long that you cannot go back and fix anything. All that can be done is to move forward in a manner where everyone just starts by treating each other with respect.


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## CoralReef (Jul 1, 2014)

My post about previous posters ignoring racist behavior on behalf of OP's parents was deleted. I didn't receive any type of PM or notice that my post was out of line or what specifically about my post was offensive. Is it common here for posts to disappear into thin air without any record of existence or notice of removal?


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## CoralReef (Jul 1, 2014)

OP-your wife has a right to be upset with your parents. She does not need to forgive them until they apologize and request forgiveness. If they are too proud to mend the damaged relationship then they are too proud to have a relationship with their grandchildren.

I am appalled by the amount of rugsweeping going on in this thread. The same people who refuse to permit rugsweeping in a marriage are the first ones to ignore bad behavior on behalf of the inlaws in order to ensure a healthy relationship with the grandparents.

Your wife does not owe your parents anything and I think you are doing a great job of establishing your relationship with your wife as your primary relationship. Anyone who says that you can find a new wife but you only have one set of parents is speaking from a toxic mindset. As a healthy adult male your first priority should be your wife. You can love an honor your wife but no, your wife is not dispensable. How would your children benefit from you putting your allegiance to your parents before your commitment to your wife and by proxy your family unit?

If you chose your parents over your wife in this situation how would you explain that to your kids down the line? 

"Sorry kids...me and your mom got divorced so many years ago because my relationship with grandma and grandpa is more important than the one I had with your mom. Mom refused to become a doormat for gramps and grams so what could you expect? When it came down to it my parents refused to apologize and your mom refused to forgive so what else could I do but abandon the wife I agreed to forsake for all others? My parents have done so much for me! I had to leave your mom and show my parents that they are my number one in life. I hope you can forgive me for ruining our family unit to preserve a relationship with my parents."


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Who does your mother think she is? Who is running your household. Where are your boundaries and loyalty? Who is meeting your needs as an adult male? You need to choose your birth family or your wife and the family you chose to make with her.

You are going to lose your wife and children. She will not put up with this forever. When you are D, you may realize that you need to grow up and stand up to your mother. If you don't, your mother will continue to bring her toxicity into your domain.

You should have reamed your mother out as soon as she said those things. Your mother thinks your wife is inferior and has no respect for her. By extension, she has no respect for you or your children. 

How can you continuance your mother calling your house after she insulted and belittled your wife? How can your even rationalize her treatment of your wife? What should your wife have done, bow in submission to this woman and let her communicate with her children? She abdicated the role of grandmother to your children when she insulted your wife. She has to earn it back. It's her choice.

Man the fvck up. Who is the man of your house? 

Who is right or wrong is not material at this point. Saving your family, loving your wife and putting your mother in her place is your task now. You can argue the merits of each side at your leisure when your wife feels secure and safe, your kids are sure that their mother and father will protect them from toxicity, you man up and stand up, you establish a strong team with your wife and your marriage is strong.


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## CoralReef (Jul 1, 2014)

I agree with Catherine602. Your mom thinks she is the head b*** in charge. She doesn't respect your wife because her bad behavior has been condoned in the past...why change her nasty ways now? She probably thinks that as your mom she is the first lady in your life and your wife is just the incubator.

Now if your wife was just being hateful towards your mom for no reason then the advice I would give would be different. In that case you would need to sit with your wife to discuss reasonable boundaries and polite treatment from both parties. 

This is not the case. Over the course of several years your wife was marginalized and treated like a second class citizen in your parents home but because they took her in some people expect her to be forever indebted to them. 

Do me a favor. Casually ask your parents that if they had to choose one person in their life that is most important to them who would it be (If they are religious please tell them this person must be a human being). Most likely your mom will say your dad and your dad will say your mom. They will of course say they their sons and rest of family are precious to them but rank 1 is their spouse.

When they have verbalized their allegiance to each other ask them why your allegiance should be any different when it comes to your wife.


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## Is It Just Me (Sep 8, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Your wife is hurt and feels it is all everyone else's fault. You're taking your wife's side. Sure, your parents could have bent over backwards, but why should they have? After all, they both had full time jobs and two college kids to take care of.
> 
> It's time you and your wife have a conversation about just how serious your family's injustices were and how maybe, just maybe, you two were and are acting like a couple of entitled princesses.
> 
> And, if you both still think that you're in the right then calculate how much rent money your parents saved you and send them a check. Then you'll be entitled to ***** about your lousy landlords.





I agree with the above.

I don't see ANY sense of gratitude to your parents or appreciation for what they did (open up their home to you, your wife and your children in your time of need). All I'm getting is a pretty large amount of entitlement and belief that your parents should have gone even further and above and beyond to make sure you and your family were taken care of. 

It appears that you are determined to keep this family rift going forever with no end to it in sight because you have clearly sided with your wife. 

You wrote in your initial post: _"During those years, my Parents would often contact me on the phone, and they would ask to come visit us, mainly so they could visit their grandchildren, sometimes as often as 3-4 times a year. My wife totally despised their visits because she was still greatly offended by our previous experiences living with them from before, but she silently allowed and endured their visits but minimized conversation during the visits. My parents have always acted as though everything was fine between all of us..."_.

It appears that your wife is the main one determined to keep this feud going for whatever reasons she has. (Which you have not spoke of at all, so why IS she so intent on disliking your family to the level that she does?) And you are going along with her for the ride.

So, with that in mind, my advice to you is to pick one side (wife or parents) and stick with it. My guess is that it will be your wife, so if that is indeed the case, let your parents know that you will be ceasing contact with them and you won't let them see your children. Both parties can 'move on' and live their lives without the strain of family strife. (And I also vote for sending your parents some money to pay back the 18 months of free rent they gave you.)


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

This is coming from someone who has a lot in common with your wife, so don't take it as me preaching what you *should* do, but what I have experienced may help you see things from your wife's perspective.

My MIL and I do not speak. Early this year she treated me terribly and I did not retaliate in any way, I simply left. DH tried to explain to her that her treatment of me was unacceptable and this simply made it worse, and she used the opportunity to hurt me further, again and again.

I will never in my life interact with this person again and she is not welcome around my children. They are my children to protect while they are young and to me, she is not someone I want them around. I will not change my mind, DH knows this.

From his side you would think he would feel torn and confused, however he has detached from his mother. His mother is his past now, she had her chance to be a part of his life and she threw it away. Our children and I are his life now.

When your family cannot/will not be a positive part of your life, it's time to cut the umbilical cord imo. I would do the same for him. He comes first for me, that was my promise to him the day we married.

Just to add, no one here knows how bad it was for your wife. Some things may be forgiven, but even if they are, we don't forget, it's always there.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Tough situation. Sometimes the only thing you can do with folks with this much animosity is keep them separated. Emotions are running high and sometimes no mortal can effectively be a peacemaker. Seems there is ungracious behavior and attitudes all the way around. All you can do is all you can do, then you have to let them own their problems. I'm not sure I would try to shield them too much from the consequences of their own behavior. 

I know one thing for sure... pride and it's offshoot, stubbornness, are some of the greatest obstacles to human happiness that's ever entered the heart of mankind. Until your family overcomes some of this pride you will forever be dealing with only the effects of the real problem. I know a number of folks who stew in their own juices (pride) for years and never seem to learn their lesson. Sad. 
Good luck.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

BTW, what has the passage of time have to do with forgiveness and atonement? Most people won't forgive just because time has passed. This is especially true when it involves a person you see frequently. Your mother showed her colors very clearly. She is the same person she was 10 yrs ago. I cringe to think of what your wife went through when she was trying to adjust to a new culture and language. It would have been once if your family was extra nice to help her adjust. She was alone and you, your parents and brothers were united in culture and language. 

I'll bet there are people posting on the is thread who have not forgiven a slight from 10, 20 or 30 years ago. That is especially true for women who can remember the details of their husbands every transgression even if the man has atoned 10 times over. If this has ever happened in your life then you can understand what this OP's wife feels. 

Time does not heal wounds nor should it. Turn the other cheek is and invitation to be abused repeatedly. The MIL seems to be a nasty customer who has learned noting in regards to respecting her DIL. She is not likely to do so under any circumstances. The MIL should have been called to task long ago to avoid repeated insults. This is a good time to say "enough" and disengage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> BTW, what has the passage of time have to do with forgiveness and atonement? Most people won't forgive just because time has passed. This is especially true when it involves a person you see frequently. Your *mother showed her colors very clearly. *She is the same person she was 10 yrs ago. I cringe to think of what your wife went through when she was trying to adjust to a new culture and language. It would have been once if your family was extra nice to help her adjust. She was alone and you, your parents and brothers were united in culture and language.


I'm not saying if I agree or disagree with you but want to hear (read) your thoughts.

What do you think that his mother did that showed her colors very clearly?



Catherine602 said:


> I'll bet there are people posting on the is thread who have not forgiven a slight from 10, 20 or 30 years ago. That is especially true for women who can remember the details of their husbands every transgression even if the man has atoned 10 times over. If this has ever happened in your life then you can understand what this OP's wife feels.
> 
> Time does not heal wounds nor should it. Turn the other cheek is and invitation to be abused repeatedly. The MIL seems to be a nasty customer who has learned noting in regards to respecting her DIL. She is not likely to do so under any circumstances. The MIL should have been called to task long ago to avoid repeated insults. This is a good time to say "enough" and disengage.


I agree that time does not heal all wounds. It's too bad that they all did not address this a long time ago when the things happened.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

BLUEMAN182 said:


> My mother recently said to my wife in an email that she thinks my wife is a cold and shallow person. And then my mother tried calling to speak to her granddaughter three days later to wish her a happy birthday. You can’t insult a mother, and then walk right around her and say “Hi” to her daughter, acting as though everything is fine and dandy. hey had best acknowledge my angry and offended wife..


If someone said this to anyone posting on the thread what would they do? This, against a background of pre- existing problems. If you said this, what would you hope for an outcome? These are words meant to injure and distance and They did. 

If her DIL is expected to forgive for the past, what should do mow? Forgive again? That would be like forgiving a serial cheater. An invitation to do the same because of no consequences. What kind of a person expects the recipient to accept such behavior. I would say no one but a person with a PD or some other severe problem with social interactions. 

What ever the MIL problem, It would be best for them to block her email and calls and to keep all of her family away. Would you put yourself or your children in a position to be treated like this again. If the MIL feels this way about her DIL, what would be in her mind to initiate contact? The MIL is toxic now and is too dangerous to have any contact.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Catherine602 is right. The words were aimed to hurt. They were destructive to the relationship. The son tried to discuss the problems between them calmly and rationally and what does his mother do? ATTACKS his WIFE with a nasty email. Nearly exactly what my MIL did when DH tried to intervene, only she attacked me through DH, sending all the nasty stuff about me to him.

It's simply not acceptable behaviour. It's sickening what people expect spouse's to put up with from their in-laws. We are human beings too, with rights. One of those rights is to not interact with those who bring nothing but pain into our lives.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> If someone said this to anyone posting on the thread what would they do? This, against a background of pre- existing problems. If you said this, what would you hope for an outcome? These are words meant to injure and distance and They did.
> 
> If her DIL is expected to forgive for the past, what should do mow? Forgive again? That would be like forgiving a serial cheater. An invitation to do the same because of no consequences. What kind of a person expects the recipient to accept such behavior. I would say no one but a person with a PD or some other severe problem with social interactions.
> 
> What ever the MIL problem, It would be best for them to block her email and calls and to keep all of her family away. Would you put yourself or your children in a position to be treated like this again. If the MIL feels this way about her DIL, what would be in her mind to initiate contact? The MIL is toxic now and is too dangerous to have any contact.


We don’t know if the OP’s wife has done things that would justify his mother saying that. The way the OP has presented this, he and his wife have behaved perfectly and his parent have been wrong in everything they have ever done. I can think that things that if a person did them, it would be justified to reply to them that they are cold and shallow.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> We don’t know if the OP’s wife has done things that would justify his mother saying that. The way the OP has presented this, he and his wife have behaved perfectly and his parent have been wrong in everything they have ever done. I can think that things that if a person did them, it would be justified to reply to them that they are cold and shallow.


I can't, especially not between family. 

'You said/did this and that and it made me feel this way', yeah, but straight out sending an insulting email to his wife in response to his letter, it really does show the sort of person she is.

Edited to add: That said, I'm probably biased. I really am dealing with a nasty MIL. DH has acknowledged that he had a lifetime of knowing what sort of person she was so it didn't surprise him like it did me. Being blindsided really does make someone extremely wary. It's like being punched from behind, do you trust that person again?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

breeze said:


> Catherine602 is right. The words were aimed to hurt. They were destructive to the relationship. The son tried to discuss the problems between them calmly and rationally and what does his mother do? ATTACKS his WIFE with a nasty email. Nearly exactly what my MIL did when DH tried to intervene, only she attacked me through DH, sending all the nasty stuff about me to him.


His mother called his wife cold & shallow before OP sent the letter to his parents. We don't know what else was going on. We don't know if the his wife did something to upset his mother. His wife clearly hated his parents long before the MIL sent that email. Who know what's transpired.

If OP's wife has been an respectful angel all these years, then yes the MIL is out of hand and needs to be put in her place. But we have no idea.



breeze said:


> It's simply not acceptable behaviour. It's sickening what people expect spouse's to put up with from their in-laws. We are human beings too, with rights. One of those rights is to not interact with those who bring nothing but pain into our lives.


We are only getting one side of the story here. And much of what the OP wrote as proof that his parents are horrible does not explain the years of anger and hate that has been directed at his parents.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

breeze said:


> I can't, especially not between family.
> 
> 'You said/did this and that and it made me feel this way', yeah, but straight out sending an insulting email to his wife in response to his letter, it really does show the sort of person she is.


The insulting email was not in response to his letter to his parents. The insulting email was sent prior to his letter.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

breeze said:


> I can't, especially not between family.
> 
> 'You said/did this and that and it made me feel this way', yeah, but straight out sending an insulting email to his wife in response to his letter, it really does show the sort of person she is.
> 
> Edited to add: That said, I'm probably biased. I really am dealing with a nasty MIL. DH has acknowledged that he had a lifetime of knowing what sort of person she was so it didn't surprise him like it did me. Being blindsided really does make someone extremely wary. It's like being punched from behind, do you trust that person again?


I too have dealt with a nasty MIL and get where you are coming from. I have also been the MIL with a DIL who was impossible. MILs are not all horrible people and DILs are not all wonder, loving angels.

My stepson and DIL lived with us for a few months. When I called them on their sense of entitlement, the damage they did to my house. They lived rent free. I only asked for some grocery money. They disrupted the household to the point that it interfered with my work and school for my other kids. They destroyed the furniture in their bedroom (several nail polish spills on furniture, cigarette burns on mattress, soda spills on upholstered furniture. etc.). They had dog that they would not care for who messed on the carpets. She started stealing from my other kids and me. Money was disappearing out of my purse (and yes by marking the bills I was able to find out who was stealing).

When I called SS and DIL out on what they were doing my SS was contrite and apologized. DIL verbally attacked me. So yes I told her off… told her that she was a low life and a lot more. Then I kicked her and SS out of my house. We put their stuff on the lawn. I kept the dog.

Now there is a lot of area between the evil MIL and the evil son & DIL (my DIL). We do not know where the OP and his wife falls in all of this. The one thing that stands out to me is that in his telling of the story he and his wife have been perfect and his parents and brothers horrible… even to the dastardly point of being accused of “living too comfortably”. What exactly does this mean? And how is it proof that his parents are bad people who mistreated him and his wife?

I think that there is a lot more to this story than we are being told. And I think that’s why the responses here are is 2 very different camps.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Fair enough. If the OP and his wife have been entitled/selfish/cold/shallow people etc in regards to his parents, then they should step up and acknowledge their own wrongdoings, I agree.

It's always unlikely that every party is innocent. Even in my own case, MIL feels she is fully justified in her actions towards me. I know she has no understanding of what was actually going on in my head when I once didn't offer to make them lunch but offered my kitchen & food instead (was exhausted at the time, thought she wouldn't mind me not waiting on her hand and foot for once, I was wrong. Suffering post natal depression at the time, I can't describe how bad I was feeling at that point), or when I asked her to babysit so I could work but then had to stay home with DD anyway as she became very ill. MIL thinks I was being selfish and rude but in honesty, those weren't the motives behind my actions.

Anyway, my point is, for OP mostly, if his wife's motives (and his too) weren't good for whatever offended his parents, then he should expect her to own up to it, but if she was just misunderstood, it's possible, if they are reasonable people, that it could be explained to them. Though I doubt it at this point.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Another, healthier way would have been for you and your wife to take care of the problem and accepted it as part of your responsibility as adult members of the household. Your parents were kind enough to let you, your wife and 2 children live with them for a long time.


Uh - I'm thinking this should have been the responsibility of whoever brought fleas into the house. And while we are raising new generations to see 30 as the new 18, if you are in college, granted the rare 14 year old at MIT exception, you are an adult and should be able to act like it. Why is the onus on the OP to take care of his brother's dog simply be he's older? 

And yes, he could have gotten the dog a flea dip and gotten him a flea collar and perhaps done a lot of things besides replace the carpet, but ... if the dog had fleas, I honestly wonder how well the dog was being taken care of in general. When the dog got worms or whatever else next because of the lack of attention, was that meant to be OPs problem too?



> This could have been resolved if she had sought to learn to cook things that they like. Often times both sides have a valid point of view. Your wife did what she thought was a good thing in cooking. But they did not like her cooking. The way to solve this is for one side to give. She could have found things to cook that they like. What did she do to learn new recipes that your father and brothers would like?


And they could have appreciated that someone else was doing the cooking. I'm not seeing good things in the brothers' futures if that's the way they react to a woman cooking things they don't like. I can see how that's going to play out some day in the future. 



> It's pretty typical of guys that age to not think of details like using a pad lock every time they got in/out of the pool area.


Guys that age are serving in the military overseas. I'm pretty sure they can pay attention to a lot more than you give them credit for.  I mean - eventually they'll have jobs, right? And need to follow inane procedures and rules (like locking doors or closing drawers) even if it makes no sense to them. Seems like good practice for RL skills to me. 

I can tell you my husband works for a bank, and not closing and locking certain doors in his line of work can get you written up or canned. So - start practicing those memory skills.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Starstarfish said:


> Uh - I'm thinking this should have been the responsibility of whoever brought fleas into the house. And while we are raising new generations to see 30 as the new 18, if you are in college, granted the rare 14 year old at MIT exception, you are an adult and should be able to act like it. Why is the onus on the OP to take care of his brother's dog simply be he's older? .


OP’s age has nothing to do with it.

The responsibility to take care of the do is obviously on the owner of the dog. However, apparently his brother was not a responsible pet own. 

The OP had a problem because the flies were bothering his children. As the father of the children, it’s his responsibility to protect the children. So as an adult father he gets vacuums and gets some no-toxic stuff to kill of the flees. 


Starstarfish said:


> And yes, he could have gotten the dog a flea dip and gotten him a flea collar and perhaps done a lot of things besides replace the carpet, but ...


The OP wasted money replacing the carpet. Carpet does not have to be replaced to get rid of flees. There are much less expensive ways of doing it. Less labor intensive ways as well. He’s pissed at his family because he spent a lot of money.. money that he did not have to spend. It was HIS CHOICE to handle the flee infestation that way.


Starstarfish said:


> if the dog had fleas, I honestly wonder how well the dog was being taken care of in general.


I agree. Personally I would be tempted to re-home the dog for the dog’s sake alone.


Starstarfish said:


> When the dog got worms or whatever else next because of the lack of attention, was that meant to be OPs problem too?.


Yes, it’s the OP’s responsibility to have his children living in a safe and healthy environment. If he felt that the place where he had free room and maybe fee board was no safe and healthy, it’s his responsibility. Perhaps he should have moved out.


Starstarfish said:


> And they could have appreciated that someone else was doing the cooking. I'm not seeing good things in the brothers' futures if that's the way they react to a woman cooking things they don't like. I can see how that's going to play out some day in the future. .


No one is obligated to eat food that they do not like unless they are free loading.




Starstarfish said:


> Guys that age are serving in the military overseas. I'm pretty sure they can pay attention to a lot more than you give them credit for.  I mean - eventually they'll have jobs, right? And need to follow inane procedures and rules (like locking doors or closing drawers) even if it makes no sense to them. Seems like good practice for RL skills to me.
> 
> I can tell you my husband works for a bank, and not closing and locking certain doors in his line of work can get you written up or canned. So - start practicing those memory skills.


Apparently his brothers would not have been mature enough to work at your husband’s bank. This was 10 years ago. I’m sure his brothers have grown up some by now.

So you assume that the brothers were not just being flaky but instead maliciously left the locks with the intent of having the OP’s kids drown? Or it is more likely that they were just flakes.


OP was living free in someone else’s house. IF he did not like living there then he moves. He does not get to free load and then bad mouth the people who provided a free place for his family of 4.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It seems the OP's letter to the parents was before the MIL insulted the DIL with the cold, unloving and shallow comments. Which seem well earned from what the OP stated about his wife's behavior.

Who knows how the OP presented his wife's opinions to his parents.

One thing is clear - DIL is making her daughter suffer the consequences of the family feud. Now, daughter gets to feel that grandma didn't care enough to wish her a happy birthday.


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## Binji (Jun 25, 2014)

can you post the letter? 

At the end of the day, it doesnt matter what happened. You have to look in the mirror and only have yourself to blame. You chose to put yourself in this situation. Have you not seen all the reality shows? what happens when you put people in a house together? you get the real world show, possibly bad girls club, or even big brother. Unfortunately your reality was more along the lines of the dave chapelle skit, the real mad world.

You can rectify the situation. Go visit your parents, pay them a lump sum of rent. Apologize for the blunder of a letter. Tell your wife to suck it up and move on. Things dont have to be perfect but there can be civility for the sake of the children. It doesnt have to be one or the other, but you need to stop blaming. Learn from your mistakes and move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> We don’t know if the OP’s wife has done things that would justify his mother saying that. The way the OP has presented this, he and his wife have behaved perfectly and his parent have been wrong in everything they have ever done. I can think that things that if a person did them, it would be justified to reply to them that they are cold and shallow.


How many people in your family have you told the raw honest truth about your negative feelings for them? How many of them have thanked you? The consequences of telling people the raw negative truth, even if true, is that you stand a very good chance of never speaking to them again. That's why its called "a parting shot". 

The crazy thing is that the MIL, after exercising her right to call her DIL out, proceeded to call the woman's home and actually want to speak to her DIL's child. If the MIL had a right to choose why would she think that her DIL had no options other than to keep up contact with her? MIL has no awareness of cause and effect. Her son seems to be confused about cause and effect, consequences and boundaries too. 

The MIL had every right to exercised her option either to heal or destroy. If she felt it was important to keep up the relationship with her grandchildren, she could have acted in a measured manner and called upon her reserves of wisdom and foresight in this situation. 

It's a complicated situation and the most reflective and sensible among us might have reacted in the same way. However, what does the DIL alleged bad behavior have to do with the nature of the MIL reactions? MIL has no control over how her son and DIL behave but She does have control over herself. 

In this instance, she allowed her perception of her DIL faults to overtake her. She behaved in a manner that destroyed their relationship. The DIL reaction is what any normal, self-respecting person with strong ego strength would be, she cut MIL off.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> How many people in your family have you told the raw honest truth about your negative feelings for them? How many of the have thanked you and sought your company for a warm tet-a-tet every Sat night? The consequences of telling people the raw negative, even if true, is that you stand a very good chance of never speaking to them again. Thats why its called a parting shot.
> 
> The giver of the bad news has no intention of keeping up the relationship because they know what was said was too damaging to recover from. The crazy thing is that the MIL, after exercising her right to call her DIL out, proceeded to call the woman's home and actually want to talk to her child as if she expected to suffer no consequences for shooting her mouth off. No awareness of cause and effect. Her son seems to be confused about cause and effect, consequences and boundaries too.


However, the MIL might have been 100% right in what she said. We don’t know. When I said some very unflattering things to my DIL, I did not care if I ever saw her again. Thank goodness there were no grandchildren as I was able to be authentic. My SS divorced her about a year later for very good reasons.

I agree that if the MIL wanted to maintain a relationship with her grandchildren she should have kept her mouth shut. Grandparents have not rights. They have access to their grandchildren at the whims of their son/daughter and SIL/DIL.


Catherine602 said:


> The MIL exercised her option to heal or destroy. She acted like a fishmongers wife instead of a dignified, measured woman calling upon her reserves of wisdom and foresight in this situation. It is difficult to take the high road but this MIL, the mother to her son, grandmother to her son and DIL's children, did not have it in her.


The OP has presented his parents as nothing but horrible people. Maybe they are. Maybe we are not getting the entire story. Maybe she just snapped.
Actually what I see in this thread is a family divided… and each side snapped. 


Catherine602 said:


> That's OK. It's a complicated situation and the most reflective and sensible among us might have reacted in the same way. However, what does the DIL bad behavior have to do with the nature of the MIL reactions? MIL has no control over how her son and DIL behave.


What does my DIL’s behavior have to do with me telling her off and kicking her out of my home? Did I behave/react like a fishmonger’s wife? Hardly. Her behavior had everything to do with how I handled it. Could I have do it without me giving my opinion of her? Sure I could have let her finish verbal attack on me and then just told her “Get you stuff and leave. You are evicted.” It would not have been any better or worse without my words.



Catherine602 said:


> She does have control over herself and in this instance, she allowed her perception of her DIL faults to overtake her. She behaved in a manner that destroyed their relationship. The DIL reaction is what any normal, self-respecting person with a strong ego strength would do, drop her.


The DIL decided that her profound hate for MIL/FIL were the end of the relationship long before the MIL said those words. There was nothing for the MIL to preserve. DIL had already decided to cut them out of her and her children’s life. 

The letter written to the MIL/FIL is on the same level. How exactly are they supposed to react to that? If they are self-respecting people with strong egos, they will drop those relationships as well. 

This is mess is too complex for a board like this to sort out and even help fix. The best thing that this entire family could do is to go to counseling together and fight this out.

Unless of course the entire goal of these most recent events were to sever contact with the inlaws.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

CoralReef said:


> My post about previous posters ignoring racist behavior on behalf of OP's parents was deleted. I didn't receive any type of PM or notice that my post was out of line or what specifically about my post was offensive. Is it common here for posts to disappear into thin air without any record of existence or notice of removal?


It's common when you are trying to thread hijack with Turing a marriage problem Into a racist problem and calling other members racist.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

The person I feel for is the OP. He is torn between his mother and wife. His mother he can live without, his wife and kids are essential to him as an adult male.

OP, It is highly unlikely that your mother and wife will ever tolerate each other. This is not something that I think is worth the time and effort to solve right now. Why go to therapy and further expose your wife, marriage and children to your family that seem to have problems before your wife was in the mix. If they want to fix themselves they can do it without your family. Your time and money better spent on MC to bond you and your wife. Don't blame one or the other or yourself. It was a confluence of events and situations that were impossible to predict. 

You all did the best you could. If anything, you were all equally responsible for the problems. It is certainly not all on your wife as your mother seems to think. Cancel all blame and disengage from negativity. That will relieve many stressors from your marriage. Make new friends and family traditions. 

I can imagine that this is hard on you but you have to set priorities and your wife and your family need to be first. You cannot let your mother insult your wife since your wife is not at fault for all of the problems. If anything your mother is guilty of fanning the flames. She may feel that she is right to insert her destructiveness into your family and home. You know that is not the case so keep her away.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I still think what they are feuding over is petty and not worth dividing a family over. Fighting over things like dog fleas and locked gates from ten years ago seems ridiculous to me.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

You are mad at your parents? We have just heard one side, yours, but most of us are unconvinced. They were nice enough to let you in. 

1. Dog, cleanliness, noise. You moved into an already overcrowded house and added some stress with your kids. You didn't have a right to start dictating rules, no parties, noise disturbs the kids. 

2. Co-signing this would have been a recipe for disaster and you have acknowledge financial problems. If the rent were overdue, your wife would have expected the parents to pay, commenting on their money and perceived favoritism. 

3. I feel bad for your wife because these financial issues have undoubtedly stressed her. She's right about that and you need to work and make more money and perhaps she needs to too.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

bobby5000 said:


> you are mad at your parents? We have just heard one side, yours, but most of us are unconvinced. They were nice enough to let you in.
> 
> 1. Dog, cleanliness, noise. You moved into an already overcrowded house and added some stress with your kids. You didn't have a right to start dictating rules, no parties, noise disturbs the kids.
> 
> ...


fifu


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## Froggi (Sep 10, 2014)

A united front.

First of all, you live with relatives, this is what you get. You have no say or authority in any way.

That being said, what *******s to put young kids in danger over a slight inconvenience for the pool.

And your mother keeps insulting and being rude. 

You must tell her to knock it off. Because people who are rude to me, do not see my kids and act like all is rosy. Nope.


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## Boxing judge (Aug 29, 2014)

Tell your wife she doesn't have to like your parents but she has to respect them? I find most woman that hate there inlaws are selfish and they are the types who love there own parents.


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## Froggi (Sep 10, 2014)

Boxing judge said:


> Tell your wife she doesn't have to like your parents but she has to respect them? I find most woman that hate there inlaws are selfish and they are the types who love there own parents.


He needs to tell his parents to respect his wife or no grandkids. She should not have to kiss their butts and put up with crap.


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