# Newly Married and already disinterested



## Gypsywife (Jul 30, 2015)

My husband is 12 years my senior and a long time friend. There used to be such passion and fun between us and now I find myself wanting to be in a separate room, feeling relieved when he's busy or napping or locking myself in the bathroom hiding, playing online games and listening to music pretending to be in the bath. I don't know what happened. I've tried to bring up the concerns and needs I have but he gets annoyed, tells me all about how I'm wrong or being crazy or starts a fight so I don't talk to him about anything out of fear that he will just dominate the discussion, make me feel like a stupid needy idiot or start a fight. I've tried dressing up and putting more effort into ensuring that he feels special and loved but still There's no intimacy, no passion, and sex has become so routine it usually consists of him waking me up with little or sometimes no foreplay or affection, ignoring my needs and turn ons completely, finishing and going back to sleep. We have sex maybe once a week but if I say anything he turns it around and makes it about him and tells me how wrong I am.We used to have the most amazing sex and this morning I realized that because our semi existent sex life is so lacking I had a very lackluster orgasm from mediocre sex Part of the way through I realized that it wasn't very arousing and he honestly looked completely disinterested. There was a time when I felt beautiful, sexy, desired because he couldn't keep his hands or his eyes off me, was always attentive and flirty and now he doesn't look at me or seem to have any general interest in me other than finishing quickly I don't even want to change in the same room because I feel so unattractive and undesired. He can download massive amounts of porn and pics but can't spend a second on foreplay or he's not in the mood even though I know he's just downloaded porn. He used to tell me how much he loved kissing me and now he doesn't kiss me at all. I'm miserable and want to fix things but every time I express a feeling he make me feel small, stupid and trivial. It feels like now that he has me he doesn't see the need to put effort into our sex life. I made it very clear that I have an active drive and view sex as important but he says that sex doesn't mean anything and he does not view it as a necessity. Any advice?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

That's because he's getting off to porn instead. That lowers T levels and at his age, there not much left in the tank. 

I can't wrap my mind around a guy preferring porn to a live willing person but I've read enough about it to know it's a growing problem. You need to get him to cut the porn. It's time to use your feminine wiles and your inner be-otch. Carrot & stick.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Yes, he needs to get off the porn so that he can reconnect to you. I'm sorry you are in this. I've been there and it sucks. My husband exhibited these same signs and it only continued to become more severe.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

jsmart said:


> It's time to use your feminine wiles and your inner be-otch. Carrot & stick.


Please know that his using porn at the level you describe and denying you is not about you. You could be an 18 year old super model and he would still be treating you the same. He needs to break the cycle so that he can come back into reality and see his available wife standing right before him. 

I really don't see your situation as one where he is bored and just looking for the release from porn because you are unavailable to him.


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## Gypsywife (Jul 30, 2015)

I have tried everything including dressing like some of the stuff he is into to surprise him and then he complained about me taking too long to get ready and told me that I looked just fine without doing my hair, makeup and clothes. I purged my closet of everything he didn't like but nothing I have tried has worked. He tells me all these stories of how he used to be able to just go for hours but claims his current age (42) prevents it now or it's stress or it's kids or it's some other excuse that certainly didn't exist while we were dating


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## Fitgirl (Jul 30, 2015)

Um maybe he has a porn addiction or maybe he doesn't have an addiction... But have a talk with your H and find out what he is into? most guys will not reveal their deepest fantasy with their partners for fear of ridicule or shame. Perhaps watch porn with him see what likes and act out his fantasy.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Gypsywife said:


> I have tried everything including dressing like some of the stuff he is into to surprise him and then he complained about me taking too long to get ready and told me that I looked just fine without doing my hair, makeup and clothes. I purged my closet of everything he didn't like but nothing I have tried has worked. He tells me all these stories of how he used to be able to just go for hours but claims his current age (42) prevents it now or it's stress or it's kids or it's some other excuse that certainly didn't exist while we were dating


I will say at my age, and I'm only 38, I don't have much interest anymore going for hours. But I can't say that's normal because my partner has no interest in sex that lasts longer than 10-15 minutes anyway, so there's no incentive to go for a long time. Perhaps if I had someone who is as interested in sex as yourself, I wouldn't have fallen into my current rut.

What to me is the bigger concern is the apathy he's showing. It's one thing to make excuses for why you don't want sex or what it over quickly, it's another to try and actually correct the behavior. It's obvious you crave a better, and longer, love life, and has he made any effort to give you that? Reading your post, I'd assume he hasn't. When you are in a healthy relationship you should be trying to give your partner what he/she wants and from what I read he isn't doing that. That's your issue, why isn't he? Is he just greedy or is it something else? Does he hold resentment towards you for something? Is something else going on, like an affair?


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

I am not sure how long newly married is. In your case I would advise you to write him a letter asking him how you can improve and what you are doing wrong. 
Say you want a proper marriage and cant carry on as it is now. It was good before and you have no idea what has changed. 
I think you will find that men also prefer the real thing.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Well, it could also be the honeymoon phase wearing out and he has lost that romantic spark for you. Whatever his issues are, he has to be honest with you. It will b only conjectures on our part.

All I can say is that he lacks motivation to be the person you married.

I suggest you communicate one last time that you will reconsider the marriage status if things do not improve. You will be more vulnerable if he keeps neglecting you and well, people have a drive to be loved and cherished. He emotionally abandoned you as a partner and is only using you to get off in. He also uses anger and avoidance tactics to wall you away. He may have had these issues before, but now that you live with him, you are seeing what outsiders do not see. These tactics are defense mechanisms , and the odds are, they were developed long ago and this is how he deals with his issues.

Him deflecting and shifting the blame onto you, there is probably a lot more going on that you do not know about from what little you know now.

In the mean time, detach and observe. Stop trying to be intimate if it will get you nowhere. Start making positive changes and live a life separated from your husband. Do not put up with less than stellar sex. It will only make you feel used.

You're no longer in a loving relationship and not in a committed relationship. Whatever the issue, he ended that part of your relationship. You are two strangers just tolerating each other.

Before this goes on for longer than it should, you must work towards being okay to leave him if things do not turn out to at least some semblance of what it was before his transition.

When you are focusing too much on him and trying to figure him out, do not neglect your own mental well-being.

I personally think this is how he is after the honeymoon phase is gone. You are getting the real him with intimacy issues. Some of his behavior points that out to, nonetheless, it is not your job to fix his issues nor is it your job to make him honest with you, that has to be his own choice.

Also, this is a short marriage. Think carefully about how much life potential you want to invest in him if he does not seek help. Imagine 5 or 10 years of this continuing behavior. Your life would be better off single if things continue. At least you have another shot at a fulfilling intimate relationship if you are single. So, set a time limit and do not take years of your life on something if the potential for change is not there.


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Heya.

Sorry to hear of your situation. Am glad you reached out to TAM. It's been a real help for me with my marriage stuff. 

Firstly, it's concerning that your H reacts quite childishly when you try to have adult conversations with him. He could have some growing up to do, or it could be he is not wanting to get into the issues at hand on an honest level. The porn may have a fair bit to do with that by the sound of things.

Second, the porn. Okay, so my personal aversion tobporn aside, I am married to a sex/porn addict who has been in long term recovery for many years. Your H sounds like a box-and-dice porn addict. I can guarantee you this is a huge part of what is interfering with your sex life and intimacy issues in general. You can find check lists and other info on 12 step recovery sites. 3 main fellowships are Sexaholics Anonymous (SA), Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) and Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA). My H goes to SA, and if your H were to check out a fellowship, I would recommend SA as they are typically single sex meetings and more clear cut on what constitutes sobriety. There are also S Anon meetings for loved ones of sex addicts where you could get support. 

Third, if you do read up on sex/porn addiction and you feel H has a problem , don't bring it all up with him as he will give you the sane defensiveness and immaturity as before. I don't know why this is, but sometimes our men can't/won't hear it from us. Yes you are his wife and he should respond more seriousltband honestly, but he won't, because some men need to hear it from another man. It can be one of the most frustrating things. For me, I sometimes think , gee I'm his wife and he won't listen or take this seriously, but when things get to a lointvwhere we need to hash it out with a marriage counsellor or our pastor, and they validate what I have said to my H a million times, it's then the penny will drop for him and we can finally have a proper, honest, sober discussion about the issue. 

At this point, I would not try to press these issues with your H furthrr, but maybe start looking into marriage counselling and broach that one with him. 

Lastly, and the porn stuff aside, do you know more specifically why you are not wanting to be aroundvhjm? Is it the sex/porn issues alone? I was wondering if you are both around each other too much. My H and I both work full time, we have our own friends mostly, and orher interests like writing, music etc. It gives us things to talk about and interest about side eachother. If H did nothing but look at porn I would find it a huge turn off


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Gypsywife,

How long have the two of you been married?

How many years was your husband single before he married you?

Sadly, what you are going through is not all that unusual. We are always told that all men want sex all the time. Well that's not true for a fair number of men.

Due to the easy availability of sex, men getting hooked on internet porn is a growing problem. Excessive use of porn can over stimulate the pleasure centers of the brain. And it's a lot easier to deal with porn then to deal with a live woman.

His lack of interest is not only a lack of interest to have sex with you. It's also a lack of interest in working on your relationship, romancing your, etc.. because that's a lot of work. Porn is just easier.

It destroys relationships. My ex did the same thing your husband is doing. Note that he is now my ex.

I also agree with Mr. Fisty that some of this might be that the honeymoon period is over for him. In the early years of a relationship people feel that strong 'in love' feeling.. the excitement. Those feelings are created by our bodies producing and up taking large quantitates of feel good chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin. Over time, the body slows this down until it's at normal levels. It's a biological trick on humans to get us to bond. 

You husband is clearly no longer in the 'in love' or infatuation stage. So now he's found another way to get those feel good chemicals up in is brain.. porn. Yes that's that porn addiction is about.

What you have been doing will not bring him back to your relationship. You have been trying to get him re-engaged by talking to him, trying to reason with him. It's not going to work. 

Your best bet is to do a 180. That means to interact with him in exactly the opposite of what he would expect. There is a link to one kind of 180 in my signature block below. Take a look at it. You will need to customize for your situation. 

Stop seeking him out. Do not try talking to him about your issues. Instead act happy when you are around him but mostly ignore him. Start doing things for your self. Go work out. Go out with friends. Get busy and out of your house. When you are at home... is there is another bedroom move into it so that he cannot do the wake you up quick sex.

After you do this for 2-4 weeks, write him a letter telling him that you are not ok with his heavy porn use and his ignoring your relationship. If he wants to stay in a marriage with you, he will need to agree to go to marriage counseling for 1 year and engage in counseling to help him end his porn use. He has 24 hours form the time he gets the letter to tell you if he agrees or not. Otherwise you are filing for divorce.

Make sure that you see an attorney, have read up on divorce and are ready to file if he blows off your ultimatum.

Why and ultimatum? While it might seem harsh, he has not paid attention to your attempts to get him to work on the marriage. So it's time to destabilize his life. Right now he does not think you will ever leave him. He thinks that while you are not 100% happy, you will stay with him and fill those needs he has from a flesh and blood woman. Like being another body in the home so that he's not alone.

Why do I say to give him a letter? Because if you do it verbally, he's not going to really hear you. He will try his normal way of turning it around on you. He will also forget what you are asking him to do. So a letter is a way of making sure that he "hears" you. And it ensures that he cannot later say that he does not remember you saying something.

If you are at a point where you are not willing to now put in a year or two of hard work to get his head out of the porn... then just see a lawyer and file for divorce. I would not blame you at all for doing that. Life is really too short to put up with people who are so self centered.

Here is some reading for you.

Your Brain On Porn 

Porn Changes the Brain


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