# DUI's-Stupid for staying?



## heeman1983 (Feb 24, 2015)

I'm not going to go into too much details, but I would like to hear what others would do in my situation. 

My wife got her 4th DUI recently. After the third DUI I swore I would not stay through another one, but here we are again. It's been 2 weeks and I'm still here. As the title says, am I being stupid for staying?


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

I'm not going to go too far into the answer, either.

YES...


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## Borntohang (Sep 4, 2014)

The short answer? YES!
I can only assume that you've tried to get help for her? Are you prepared for the lawsuits heading your way? If she's drinking and driving, it's just a matter of time before someone gets hurt! It's gonna happen! It's up to the lawyers as to how much culpability you have... (You knew or should have known she was a danger!)


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

At the very least you have to get her into treatment. You might be the best person to pull her out of it. If she's not willing to at least consider professional help, then you might have to bail.

On the other hand, you leaving might be the only strong enough push to get her to recognize her problem. Your wisdom will have to prevail.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Is she in jail? In my state, 4th DUI conviction also means 6 months in jail.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Borntohang said:


> The short answer? YES!
> *I can only assume that you've tried to get help for her*? Are you prepared for the lawsuits heading your way? If she's drinking and driving, it's just a matter of time before someone gets hurt! It's gonna happen! It's up to the lawyers as to how much culpability you have... (You knew or should have known she was a danger!)


I was making the same assumption - after the 4th one...


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

That gets really expensive. Are you paying for her legal fees?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I guess we all pick our poison but that's a brand I couldn't live with.


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## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

We are here to help/ encourage you,not judge you! Having said that..as Dr. Phill would say; "What's the payoff"?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Stick to your original plan and file for divorce. Be true to thyn own self!

You already gave her 3 chances.

Good luck I have a feeling you would be much happier without her in your life! It will take awhile to adjust but you will and look back and be grateful you did. It might be the wake up call for her to seek help and get sober.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

To answer your actual question, you're not stupid for staying _if_ you're eyes-wide-open about what's in store. 

DUIs aren't harsh enough in this country to really be much of a deterrent. All alcoholics have to decide for themselves to get sober; no one else can make them do so. But you can certainly make it crystal clear to them what's at stake for failing. That does not necessarily require you to leave (yet), but it certainly requires you to become very rigid and inflexible in dealing with her drinking. Plans, actions, and consequences clearly laid out. 

Alcoholism is not a personality defect, but you're not required to live with one who won't try to overcome the problem. But I do think, as a spouse, that you're required to try.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have any children with her?

How long have you been married?


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## heeman1983 (Feb 24, 2015)

We've been married almost 7 years, no kids. yes I'm paying legal fees, and there's a good chance prison could happen, she is still on probation from the 3rd dui. 

AA didn't work for her, the whole higher power thing and religious element didn't sit well. She goes months with no drinking on her own and then all of a sudden something like this happens. She's talked about seeing a therapist, but it's hard to not think this will happen again. 

I feel like I have to stand by her during this legal process to support her. But the longer I stay, I know the more difficult it'll be to leave.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

heeman1983 said:


> I'm not going to go into too much details, but I would like to hear what others would do in my situation.
> 
> My wife got her 4th DUI recently. After the third DUI I swore I would not stay through another one, but here we are again. It's been 2 weeks and I'm still here. As the title says, am I being stupid for staying?


I haven't been in your shoes but I know people who are. My wife's aunt has had a pill addiction for as long as I can remember. To the point where she had multiple doctors writing scripts and eventually she was stealing presciption pads and writing her own scripts. She ended up in prison for 10 years for it. I remember her husband saying that he was going to divorce her but he never did. He was waiting when she got out a couple of years ago but now she's going back in for the same stuff again and he says he's going to divorce now. I think he's trying to convince himself to let go but I don't know if he will. The thing burns my arse is how her family (my wife's mother and sis) have acts like he's a bad guy for saying he would divorce her. I don't know what they're smoking but it smells like blameshift weed.

So finally to the point. I do think he's sacrificing his life and happiness for her and I don't think she or her family understands how much he's sacrificing. But it's his call just like it's your call. It must be difficult to see someone you love slip into an addition and not have any control to help.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

heeman1983 said:


> We've been married almost 7 years, no kids. yes I'm paying legal fees, and there's a good chance prison could happen, she is still on probation from the 3rd dui.
> 
> AA didn't work for her, the whole higher power thing and religious element didn't sit well. She goes months with no drinking on her own and then all of a sudden something like this happens. She's talked about seeing a therapist, but it's hard to not think this will happen again.
> 
> I feel like I have to stand by her during this legal process to support her. But the longer I stay, I know the more difficult it'll be to leave.


Four times!

I see a pattern that doesn't appear to be changing.

I applaud you for the first two, though.

What's the saying - "fool me once, shame on you - fool me twice -shame on ME"?

Four times is a lot, OP.


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## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

Sounds like you're enabling her. I hope she doesn't get pg anytime soon!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Well, "stupid" is a harsh word but you are very likely in for a lifetime of this. Can you live with that?

And, yes, the longer you stay the more difficult it is to leave.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You have made her addiction your business, which is why you are in a mess.

Yes, you ARE stupid for staying. Why? Because of this: get out or get dragged. And by that, I mean dragged under the bus. Big time.

My husband was found dead from alcoholism on 1/16/15. Here's a bit of what I survived with him: three rehabs, numerous detoxes, hospitalizations, jail times, arrests, A.A. meetings, counseling sessions, etc.

So, I'm going to give it to you straight up honest. Get your a$$ into Al-Anon NOW. NOW. NOW.

You are as sick, crazy, stupid, and loony as the addict.

Allow her to experience the consequences of her actions. Respect her right to drink herself to death, if that is her choice.

I miss my husband every single day, as I have since I walked out in September 2009. I loved him. I love him.

But I wasn't going to destroy my life. It was his right to destroy his.

My life. My choices. His life. His choices.

Be stupid and stay. Survive and get the he!! out. NOW.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Prodigal said:


> You have made her addiction your business, which is why you are in a mess.
> 
> Yes, you ARE stupid for staying. Why? Because of this: get out or get dragged. And by that, I mean dragged under the bus. Big time.
> 
> ...



REAL insight, OP.

Don't become another poster! Prodigal has been there. Learn from her mistakes!!


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## Monty4321 (Jul 15, 2011)

If you guys were only dating - then "Yes", get the hell out. But since you guys are married, I'd think about it. If she sincerely wants to change and is actively getting help, then I would stand by her all the way even when she makes mistakes like this. But if she's putting half a$$ effort, then I couldn't stand by her. 

What if scenarios should've been talked about; such as, you better not drink, but if you do, you better call me. That's to avoid any DUIs.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

heeman1983 said:


> We've been married almost 7 years, no kids. yes I'm paying legal fees, and there's a good chance prison could happen, she is still on probation from the 3rd dui.
> 
> AA didn't work for her, the whole higher power thing and religious element didn't sit well. She goes months with no drinking on her own and then all of a sudden something like this happens. She's talked about seeing a therapist, but it's hard to not think this will happen again.
> 
> I feel like I have to stand by her during this legal process to support her. But the longer I stay, I know the more difficult it'll be to leave.


Since you have not children with her, get a divorce.

if you want to be a friend who is supportive of her, that's one thing. But staying married to her means that her problems become yours. She could financially ruin you for life.

It sounds to me like you are co-dependent. That means that you are putting her needs/wants way ahead of your own wellbeing. It's a natural reaction to a very bad situation. It happens because we love someone and what to save them from themselves. After a while that is the only thing that matters... we forget that we need to take care of ourselves. 

Then some time down the road (if not already) you will wake up and realize that you have lost who you are.

Find an Al-Anon group in your area and join them. Even if she is not willing to go to something like AA, you can get help from Al-Anon. They can help you fine a tough love way to deal with all of this and to break your co-dependence.

Also, get the book "Co-Dependent No More".


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Since you have not children with her, get a divorce.
> 
> if you want to be a friend who is supportive of her, that's one thing. But staying married to her means that her problems become yours. She could financially ruin you for life.
> 
> ...


VERY wise advice, OP...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

No kids? I'd be out of there like an MX missile was strapped to my behind. I suppose I think in terms of costs/benefits. The costs of being latched to an unrepentant, unreformed drunk driver are numerous. She's going to kill herself, kill someone else, finally get charged as a felony habitual offender, permanently maim herself, you, or someone else, or maybe just die young of liver disease. The very best possible scenario is you only have to keep paying court fees/legal fees/hospital bills/vehicle repair. She's unlikely to ever excel at anything in her professional life (if she even has one). What are you getting for taking on these huge risks? Nobody is that cute or cooks that good.


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## heeman1983 (Feb 24, 2015)

To the comments about drinking herself to death, that's not really a concern. You see she's not that kind of alcoholic. She doesn't drink everyday or even every week. It's those few moments when she will go out with friends to socialize and doesn't know when to stop or doesn't know when she's had too much and can't drive (we were at the point where I had said if you're driving one drink is too much). Anyway, this last time she had had three beers, drove home, got pulled over for break lights not working and was just over the limit... real bad luck there. Before people say I'm enabling again or making excuses, I made clear I was out if she ever drive after drinking again, that was it. I just want to clarify I'm not in a situation where I'm spending my days with someone that is constantly drunk and slowly killing herself.

To the comments about no kids, that's not really relevant. I get it's tougher with kids, but I still love my wife with our without kids. It's so tough to leave, even though I think it's the right thing to do.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Your wife has demonstrated that no matter what her mouth tells you, she's going to continue doing as she pleases. Which is making dumb decisions that negatively impact both of you. Her legal bills will escalate exponentially, her insurance will be more difficult to get. Not to mention your potential liability if she gets in an accident while intoxicated. 

What can she possibly give as an excuse after getting charged while under probation for the third time? And after your ultimatum? Obviously those three beer were more important to her than her marriage... Hope she enjoyed them. 

If you're truly done enabling her, your path is very clear. 

C


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

heeman1983 said:


> To the comments about drinking herself to death, that's not really a concern. You see she's not that kind of alcoholic. She doesn't drink everyday or even every week. It's those few moments when she will go out with friends to socialize and doesn't know when to stop or doesn't know when she's had too much and can't drive (we were at the point where I had said if you're driving one drink is too much). Anyway, this last time she had had three beers, drove home, got pulled over for break lights not working and was just over the limit... real bad luck there. Before people say I'm enabling again or making excuses, I made clear I was out if she ever drive after drinking again, that was it. I just want to clarify I'm not in a situation where I'm spending my days with someone that is constantly drunk and slowly killing herself.
> 
> To the comments about no kids, that's not really relevant. I get it's tougher with kids, but I still love my wife with our without kids. It's so tough to leave, even though I think it's the right thing to do.


Clarification is good so thank you heeman1983. Here's what would scare me if I were you. When she drinks, it's clear that she then makes reckless desicions. Something as simple as driving over the speed limit when you know getting stopped will result in a DWI is a huge red flag to her state of mind. So if she's making those bad decisions which clearly have heavy consequences then she's vulnerable to make other bad decisions. I'm sure you know the type I'm suggesting she's vulnerable to. Impulse control is important if she's going to drink and she seems like she doesn't have much of that.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

heeman1983 said:


> To the comments about drinking herself to death, that's not really a concern. You see she's not that kind of alcoholic. She doesn't drink everyday or even every week. *It's those few moments when she will go out with friends to socialize and doesn't know when to stop or doesn't know when she's had too much and can't drive *(we were at the point where I had said if you're driving one drink is too much). Anyway, this last time she had had three beers, drove home, got pulled over for break lights not working and was just over the limit... real bad luck there. Before people say I'm enabling again or making excuses, I made clear I was out if she ever drive after drinking again, that was it. I just want to clarify I'm not in a situation where I'm spending my days with someone that is constantly drunk and slowly killing herself.
> 
> To the comments about no kids, that's not really relevant. I get it's tougher with kids, but I still love my wife with our without kids. It's so tough to leave, even though I think it's the right thing to do.


Binge drinkers are no less dangerous than "regular alcoholics" when they jump into the driver's seat.

I hate to seem like I'm banging on you, OP. You sound like a standup guy who really wants your marriage to work!

It also sounds like you are the ONLY one who actually wants her to improve and change an absolutely dangerous behavior.

Hope things work out for the best - but I think that means either life changing for her or getting out for you...

Just my opinion,of course.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

even social drinkers can be alcoholics.....we're not talking about one DUI .. even two that might be considered bad luck...this is an individual with a problem and a threat on the road....your the one that drew the line in the sand..."one more time and that's it....why are you asking us if you already set the limitation as to what was the last straw...she was crossed that line whether a bad break or not she crossed that line and now you have to decide if you want place another line in the sand, because if you do the next time someone may get hurt, and you will never leave.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

heeman1983 said:


> To the comments about drinking herself to death, that's not really a concern. You see *she's not that kind of alcoholic*.
> 
> 
> ... she will go out with friends to socialize and *doesn't know when to stop or doesn't know when she's had too much *and can't drive (we were at the point where I had said if you're driving one drink is too much).
> ...


Denial is a powerful thing. I'm not here to argue with you. But I walked the walk, so I can talk the talk.

I sounded exactly like you when my husband would get smashed every few months. I sounded exactly like you when he got pulled over for not using a turn signal (it was broken) and he'd had one too many.

Nope. My husband wasn't "that kind" of drunk. He was a guy who occasionally over-indulged and didn't set appropriate limits.

In A.A., it's known as "terminal uniqueness." Just like you, active alkies indulge in it to maintain denial and maintain their drinking.

Sorry, my dear, but you are in far deeper than you know. But that's right, you are different. Your wife is different.

You've set a boundary for her drinking and what you will tolerate, BUT it's so hard to leave.

Until you figure out what the real-deal is here, you will stay. She will go on her benders. Those benders will become a little more frequent.

But don't worry ... you KNOW what the score is with her drinking. 

I knew the score too. And I watched the progression. Strap yourself in. Unless you leave, and I'm not advocating divorce, you will go right down the hole with her.

Alcoholics don't have relationships; they take hostages.

Be warned. Now go forth and argue, obfuscate, justify, deny, whatever you so desire.

I wish you the best. Good luck.


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## heeman1983 (Feb 24, 2015)

As I said earlier the longer I stay the harder it'll be to leave, but I feel like I can't leave right now with everything she's going through. She's scared of course that's she's to prison and I don't want to abandon her during this tough time.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

She might not end up in state prison but if your not rich she will do some time in county jail.

If you got the dough then retain the best lawyer and wish her the best...in short....pay for someone else to "support" her in her time of need and then get the hell out....cal it a going away present!


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

The advice you're getting from those who have walked the walk is correct for a subset of all alcoholics - those that don't quit drinking. 

You want to be a supportive spouse, and I think that's honorable. You put down a hard line that wasn't really so hard, and in my personal opinion it was the wrong line to draw. So if you decide to stay, you have to draw a new more meaningful line in the sand. This time you have to be prepared with a clear contingency and exit plan.

It has to revolve around her showing seriousness in wanting to get better. I understand the "higher power" problem with AA, but tough titties. If she can't find a support group in her area that's not religious (and they exist, look it up), then she'll have to suck it up and go to AA. That's what my atheist brother does. 

You will have to decide if she is meeting the conditions for improvement. You'll need a plan - what to do when she feels like getting a drink. Coping strategies for when you're not with her. Verified visits with her support group. 

Some people do get better, but you can't give them any excuses. A few nights in jail is a good thing - don't shield her from it. Take away her car keys and give them to her under controlled circumstances. Treat her like a child until she's proven that she can behave as an adult.

And above all, don't be afraid to get out if it becomes clear that this isn't fixable.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you can cure an alcoholic against their will you have supernatural powers and you should be famous and wealthy beyond all imagination. If the dedicated efforts of the entire criminal justice and judicial system of your state have been unsuccessful, I'm not sure what you as a mere mortal can do. I'm all about being supportive and faithful to our vows but you have to have something you can work with.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

What about a separation? If she spends any time in jail it will give you much needed time to take actions to separate. Seems to me that a separation is like leading with a stick and a carrot. If you just divorce her (which you are totally within your right to do) she may just decide "why bother". A separation may be the carrot...if she cleans up her act there is a chance for you two together. If not you've already taken half the step to a divorce and the threat will seem real to her.

I am sorry you are going through this.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

How is she not an HTO? Sounds like she needs some jail time


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

From a practical standpoint, it may be wise to consider divorce, at least in the legal sense to shield yourself financially, and make sure any serious assets you have are in your name only. Your options will become very limited when the reckless homicide charges and wrongful death lawsuit hits.


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## neglected42 (Aug 11, 2014)

> Alcoholics don't have relationships; they take hostages.


So true, it is scary. I know, I am a hostage, and stupidly brought four more hostages into the mix. 

Think hard before staying with this woman. Being an alcoholic is not just about quantity or frequency. The issue really is about how the alcohol effects your life and the lives of the people who love you. Based on that, your wife is definitely an alcoholic.

I understand that you do not want to leave her now that she is struggling. You don't have to "leave" right now. You can stay as a support and friend until she is through this hard time. It is hard to walk out on someone when they are struggling, even if it is their own fault. 

When all the dust has settled, it may be wise to leave and find happiness, though. If you plan on staying and trying to salvage the marriage, you will definitely need one boundary that cannot be crossed. No alcohol whatsoever. It sounds like your boundary was that she could not drink and drive. Your wife cannot drink and then make decent decisions. The only way to fix that is she must not drink.......ever! If she does not agree to this, or crosses the boundary, well you have done all you could.

Good luck!


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## frankman (Sep 23, 2014)

KISA complex?

Woohoo Im learning the acronyms here!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The DUI's are a result of the actual problem you should leave her over.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Cletus said:


> The advice you're getting from those who have walked the walk is correct for a subset of all alcoholics - those that don't quit drinking.
> 
> You want to be a supportive spouse, and I think that's honorable. You put down a hard line that wasn't really so hard, and in my personal opinion it was the wrong line to draw. So if you decide to stay, you have to draw a new more meaningful line in the sand. This time you have to be prepared with a clear contingency and exit plan.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

You da man, Cletus!


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Why does your wife with 3 DUI's on her record, drive a car to go out drinking? Are you a witness to this foolishness?

Why are you not worried that when she is driving drunk that she will not kill herself or someone else?

No disrespect, but I hope they throw the book at her in court. Take away her right to drive for a long time.

Get her into treatment. This woman should never drink a drop again.


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