# Should I tell him how I feel, or keep it to myself and find a way to forgive him?



## kwilliams (Jul 16, 2019)

My husband and I just got married a few weeks ago, but I'm worried we may have already found the thing that's going to tear our marriage apart. We've been friends for almost 10 years, dated for 2, lived together for a year and just recently got married. We had all of the important conversations you're supposed to have, including whether or not we wanted to have children. I have a 6 year old from a previous marriage that my husband loves and cares for like his own. We had discussed and planned to have a baby together, going as far as discussing a home remodel, deciding on what names we liked, etc. This weekend we were discussing how we wanted to merge and change our health insurance, and I mentioned wanting to upgrade it and add some things to cover pregnancy and childbirth with minimal out of pocket costs so that we would be prepared for it whenever we decided to try. It was at this time that he decided to come clean and tell me that he actually didn't want to have a baby and that he never did. He said that the only reason he'd been talking and planning with me was because he knew it would make me happy and that he hoped his opinion of it would change. So after at least a year of talking about it, planning it out, picking out baby names, imaging how great it would be to introduce my son to his baby brother/sister, I find out that my husband doesn't want to nor ever did want to have a baby. I'm heartbroken and devastated over the fact that he doesn't want to have a baby, and I'm beyond angry that he has lied to me about it this entire time, letting me make plans and get my hopes up. My question is, should I tell him how much he has hurt me and how angry he has made me? Or should I keep how I really feel to myself and figure out how to forgive him for lying? This isn't a deal breaker for me; I would still love and marry him the same if he had told me from the beginning that he didn't want another child, but I'm afraid that if I tell him how hurt, upset and angry I am that we will fight about it and I'll lose him, or that he'll claim he's changed his mind and does want a child in an effort to make me happy and resent me and/or the child later on. On the other hand, I'm worried that if I don't talk about this that I'll harbor this hurt and anger and end up resenting him instead. I don't know what to do.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Why can't you tell him how much he hurt you and work towards forgiving? Those things are not mutually exclusive, in fact, I would say you cannot work towards forgiving him if he doesn't know he needs to be forgiven.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

This is classic bait and switch. What I question is why he bothered to lie if it isn’t a deal breaker. 
And what else he’s lied about.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Yep, bait and switch.

He agreed to the baby. I think he should be held to that. He shouldn’t resent you for wanting to hold him to his agreement. I highly doubt he would resent the child, especially if he’s raising your kid as his own. No way would I allow him to pull that and get away with it. He’s having a baby (or three).


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

OH MY GOD.

You should definitely tell him. In no uncertain terms. 

The deception and selfishness of what he did is STUNNING in my opinion. You are saying having the child is not a deal breaker to you, but obviously he didn't know that, yet he was willing to string you along pretending he did want a child, picking out baby names, for God's sake. Then came clean only AFTER you married?

Whether or not to have children together is a HUGE issue to most. To marry someone knowing you don't want to and they do is just so unforgivable IMO. He robbed you of the opportunity to find a mate who was on the same pages as you by marrying you when he knew he didn't want a child with you.

Maybe you don't really want more children that bad and so not having them is not a big issue to you. But his lying SHOULD be a HUGE issue. At this point I would take a step back and start looking at everything he has been telling you. Where he wants to live, what he wants for the future? All the things he's been saying and doing that helped you choose HIM. Are they really what he wants and who he is, or just a bait and switch to catch you and you're going to have one unpleasant surprise after another when he starts changing his mind and resisting things you thought you were on the same page about?


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Tasorundo said:


> Why can't you tell him how much he hurt you and work towards forgiving? Those things are not mutually exclusive, in fact, I would say you cannot work towards forgiving him if he doesn't know he needs to be forgiven.


Agreed.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

This guy thought nothing of lying to you for a year to get what he wanted. He can't be trusted. 

Get an annulment.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Oh hell no, NO WAY do you keep quiet on this! What a HUGE betrayal! Are you SURE this isnt a deal breaker for you?? It sounds to me by all the planning, etc, that it is a really big deal for you. A lie of this magnitude should be enough to annul the marriage...


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

Why doesn't he want to have a child?


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## leon2100 (May 13, 2015)

Keep it to yourself!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'd have the babies anyway. They'll be yours forever; your lying husband may not.


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## kwilliams (Jul 16, 2019)

You're right, talking about it and forgiving him are not mutually exclusive. That was poor wording on my part. 

I suppose my question is whether to suffer in silence or to make him suffer with me. 

And yes I am sure it's not a deal breaker. It is important to me, and I would love to have another baby. However, I would have and still would choose him. What bothers me is the fact that he lied to me about it, when the debate over having a baby has no compromise. You either have a child or you don't, one person wins and one person loses.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

It isn't about suffering alone or together, it is about being together and unified.

It could very well be the end of your marriage, or it could be something that builds to a future.

You are setting a precedent now for how you respond to things in the future. What kind of marriage will you have if you cannot openly talk about something as deeply hurtful and deceptive as this? If he doesn't understand the damage he has done, then you need to tell him.

How you respond to his hurting you and how he responds to that information will determine the future of your marriage.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

kwilliams said:


> You're right, talking about it and forgiving him are not mutually exclusive. That was poor wording on my part.
> 
> I suppose my question is whether to suffer in silence or to make him suffer with me.
> 
> And yes I am sure it's not a deal breaker. It is important to me, and I would love to have another baby. However, I would have and still would choose him. What bothers me is the fact that he lied to me about it, when the debate over having a baby has no compromise. You either have a child or you don't, one person wins and one person loses.


Well, take it from me, a woman in her 50's who wanted children but never had them because of a kind of similar "bait and switch" on her EX husband's part--you may think you are okay with this now and wake up one day EXTREMELY, UNBEARABLY resentful. I let him keep stringing me along, putting me off. Then one day it was too late. *It was only then* that I realized how devastated and angry I was.

The "love" that you feel for your husband right now will not always be the same. (Especially if this is how he handles conflicting desires.) As we age, our perspective changes and our understanding that we need more than to just love someone. You need shared goals and values, honesty and consideration, etc. 

You can read thread after thread in here of people who were madly in love when they married. Now 20 years later they are frustrated and filled with regret and may still "love" their spouse but understand they could have been so much happier married to someone different.

Ask yourself why are you hesitant to tell him how you feel? Are you afraid of hurting his feelings? Are you afraid he won't love you if you don't go along with everything he does? Are you afraid you are not as important to him as he is to you?

It is good that you already have one child and he is good to that child. But his deception here is jaw dropping unconscionable. This is not a romantic comedy where people do stupid things because they're afraid to just tell the truth. This is *your life*.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Hopefully, that lie is not how he's going to handle future things he doesn't want a confrontation over. I was married to a man similar to that for a very long time. It wasn't fun.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Get out now. Anyone who thought it was OK to lie about such a major life decision is not marriage material.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If he lied to you about having wanted a baby, as opposed to just having changed his mind, then that was a terrible thing to do. 

But, it doesn't matter. What matters is where you are now. You want a baby. He does not. This is not something you can compromise on. No matter how wrong or evil he was, he still does not want a baby and agreeing to have one will result in a child who's father doesn't want it. (I was that child - please don't do that to a child ever).

I am really sorry you are in this spot. Its completely unfair.




kwilliams said:


> My husband and I just got married a few weeks ago, but I'm worried we may have already found the thing that's going to tear our marriage apart. We've been friends for almost 10 years, dated for 2, lived together for a year and just recently got married. We had all of the important conversations you're supposed to have, including whether or not we wanted to have children. I have a 6 year old from a previous marriage that my husband loves and cares for like his own. We had discussed and planned to have a baby together, going as far as discussing a home remodel, deciding on what names we liked, etc. This weekend we were discussing how we wanted to merge and change our health insurance, and I mentioned wanting to upgrade it and add some things to cover pregnancy and childbirth with minimal out of pocket costs so that we would be prepared for it whenever we decided to try. It was at this time that he decided to come clean and tell me that he actually didn't want to have a baby and that he never did. He said that the only reason he'd been talking and planning with me was because he knew it would make me happy and that he hoped his opinion of it would change. So after at least a year of talking about it, planning it out, picking out baby names, imaging how great it would be to introduce my son to his baby brother/sister, I find out that my husband doesn't want to nor ever did want to have a baby. I'm heartbroken and devastated over the fact that he doesn't want to have a baby, and I'm beyond angry that he has lied to me about it this entire time, letting me make plans and get my hopes up. My question is, should I tell him how much he has hurt me and how angry he has made me? Or should I keep how I really feel to myself and figure out how to forgive him for lying? This isn't a deal breaker for me; I would still love and marry him the same if he had told me from the beginning that he didn't want another child, but I'm afraid that if I tell him how hurt, upset and angry I am that we will fight about it and I'll lose him, or that he'll claim he's changed his mind and does want a child in an effort to make me happy and resent me and/or the child later on. On the other hand, I'm worried that if I don't talk about this that I'll harbor this hurt and anger and end up resenting him instead. I don't know what to do.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

This is about control--he lies to get what he wants. I'd go the annulment route. Guessing your age plays into this situation too. Do not just let this go, it is only the beginning.

Do you have someone you can trust to discuss this with and get support?


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## blazer prophet (Jun 1, 2019)

kwilliams said:


> My question is, should I tell him how much he has hurt me and how angry he has made me? Or should I keep how I really feel to myself and figure out how to forgive him for lying? This isn't a deal breaker for me; I would still love and marry him the same if he had told me from the beginning that he didn't want another child, but I'm afraid that if I tell him how hurt, upset and angry I am that we will fight about it and I'll lose him, or that he'll claim he's changed his mind and does want a child in an effort to make me happy and resent me and/or the child later on. On the other hand, I'm worried that if I don't talk about this that I'll harbor this hurt and anger and end up resenting him instead. I don't know what to do.


You need to be honest with him. And with yourself.

He lied to you and you married him, in part, over this lie. What else might he lie about? And if it leads to a fight, so what? Couples do fight sometimes. And this is important. As to the 'what ifs', let those slide past. He has to be held accountable for this.

If you keep it top yourself, you just end up a suffering martyr. What kind of a life is that?


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

I find it interesting that he doesn't mind to tell you that all he promised is utter bull**** but you worry about him leaving you if you start a fight by sharing your feelings?

Sister, please listen to me: You have NO CHOICE but to talk to him about his deception, no matter what. It's setting up a horrible precedent in your new marriage if you do not. 

I take it, from your post, that he tends to be 'in charge' in the relationship. You are worried about resenting him? Be worried about resenting yourself later on. You deserve better even if you don't see it that way now.

Far as another post about "holding him to it" I would never intentionally get pregnant with someone who made it clear they didn't want a child. 

Is this guy WORTH your desire/dream of having another child being dashed? This is your life, too. Let him walk if he wants to. It won't be the end of the world.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

The more I think about this, annulment may be the best option. Any person who would pretend to have one opinion on a critical issue and then spring the truth on you a couple weeks after the wedding is a real scumbag. Why would you want to be married to a scumbag?


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Definitely tell him lying is not ok, and that it did big damage to you, the honest one. 

If he then changes his mind about wanting a baby, you have to decide if you want to take that plunge w/ a guy who lied to you about something so important. 

But by telling him, there's at least a chance he'll learn it isn't ok to lie "to keep someone happy". Even if you don't stick around, telling him might spare someone else this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I get it, you want to stay married to him. I'll just ask you to be honest with yourself. Look very carefully at every interaction you've had with him. How many instances have you been left thinking...that wasn't quite what I intended to happen...or...how come I'm not feeling good about today?...or...why doesn't what I wanted happen as often as what he wanted?


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

turnera said:


> I get it, you want to stay married to him. I'll just ask you to be honest with yourself. Look very carefully at every interaction you've had with him. How many instances have you been left thinking...that wasn't quite what I intended to happen...or...how come I'm not feeling good about today?...or...why doesn't what I wanted happen as often as what he wanted?


EXACTLY. It's highly unlikely this is totally out of character for him.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

This is sex, life, and marriage. Babies happen. Alot of times unexpectedly, and even when being cautious. If he didn't want kids, he shouldn't be having sex, and he certainly never should of signed up for marriage.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

kwilliams said:


> He said that the only reason he'd been talking and planning with me was because he knew it would make me happy and that he hoped his opinion of it would change.


OK, spit back HIS words. 

Tell him having HIS baby is extremely important to you. 

Then turn on the waterworks.

I expect he will capitulate. He just does not want to change his comfy life by having an infant, then a baby, then a toddler. Tell him that in 3 or 4 years, he will have kicked himself for not doing this. Especially, when he sees HIS child, enjoys HIS child.

Do not let him get away with this.

By the way, he won't leave, not a chance.

It is important how you let him know, do so softy, dramatically, not angrily. 
He will fold like a twenty year old dollar bill.

Once the baby is born he will change.


KB-


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

SunCMars said:


> I expect he will capitulate. He just does not want to change his comfy life by having an infant, then a baby, then a toddler. Tell him that in 3 or 4 years, he will have kicked himself for not doing this. Especially, when he sees HIS child, enjoys HIS child.
> KB-


I think you are right. This thought crossed my mind too. The fact that he's good to the child she already does have indicates to me that he would probably love and be good to his own, too. He just doesn't want the disruption or is afraid.

It's very concerning about his character in general though that he pretended to want a baby until after the wedding and then just a couple weeks later hits her with the fact that he lied and led her on.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

If your H is so easy to pull the wool over your eyes with agreeing to a child the pulling out what else is your H capable of? I would consider an annulment because resentment is a very cold word that lasts a life time for some.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

kwilliams said:


> You're right, talking about it and forgiving him are not mutually exclusive. That was poor wording on my part.
> 
> I suppose my question is whether to suffer in silence or to make him suffer with me.
> 
> And yes I am sure it's not a deal breaker. It is important to me, and I would love to have another baby. However, I would have and still would choose him. What bothers me is the fact that he lied to me about it, when the debate over having a baby has no compromise. You either have a child or you don't, one person wins and one person loses.


Sorry you're going through this.

The as big or bigger deals are that it appears he either deceived and lied to you for a year or so or there's a reason he recently changed his mind on the baby issue.

Both indicate a dishonest streak going on there. 

A spouse has to ask how big a deal is the deception thing to themselves and future trust bond in the M.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Not too late for an annulment. He gave you the grounds.


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

I had a friend many years ago who was married to the love of her life, and never understood why they weren't able to have a child. After her husband's death, his SON from another relationship sought out my friend. Her husband had had a vasectomy before they ever married. She was devastated; he had pretended to try to have children with her for manyyears without ever confessing the truth.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Pam said:


> I had a friend many years ago who was married to the love of her life, and never understood why they weren't able to have a child. After her husband's death, his SON from another relationship sought out my friend. Her husband had had a vasectomy before they ever married. She was devastated; he had pretended to try to have children with her for manyyears without ever confessing the truth.


 This is every bit as wrong as a woman who passes off another man's child as her husband's. Yes, this is just as wrong as that period


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

You are married to no better than a stranger......


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

Your story is one of the most chilling, terrifying things I've ever read. That he actually picked baby names makes my blood run cold. I could never look at him again. I would be planning an escape and an annulment from a safe place.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There is also the possibility that he may have wanted to have kids previously but something happened recently that has made him change his mind. If nothing else, you absolutely need to be having a real, constructive discussion with him to get to the root of all this.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

kwilliams said:


> And yes I am sure it's not a deal breaker.


So it's NOT a deal breaker for you that you were TRICKED, CONNED, LIED TO and MANIPULATED into marrying this liar? 

That he purposefully LIED to your face every single day and during every single conversation you had with him about babies and your future - that's not a deal breaker for you?

Do you know the *message* you're sending him when you continue your blind devotion to him even AFTER you found out that he knowingly and willingly lied to your face over and over and over and over and over and over and over again? The message he gets is that you respect yourself SO little that you'll continue clinging to a man who purposefully lied to you and didn't CARE that he was crapping all over one of your future dreams. _*That's*_ the message you send this POS.

You've now set a precedent that this man can walk all over you and you'll still be right there, arms open wide, ready to accept any horrific treatment he doles out to you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

We're just asking you to be a little more discerning about the decisions you're making. To be SURE that he's as amazing a person as you seem to feel he is. Because we've seen a LOT of horrible things happen to people in this forum. And nearly all of it comes from one of the two people being willing to lie. It's a character flaw. Even if he lied and then continued to lie by omission simply because he was afraid of losing you, that's still a character flaw that has to be dealt with, and better now than 10 years from now when you have to divide up everything.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@kwilliams *He is a liar.*


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Lying is a relationship killer, including lying by omission. It's not just about the lie itself, but how that changes how you interact with each other.

If you sweep this under the rug without dealing with it, you're reinforcing the behaviour. You have an entire lifetime to spend together. There will be many times coming up where you will want to know what he really wants so you can make decisions together. If his way of coping with those big decisions, or any decision, is to give the answer he knows you want to hear, instead of the truth, you will hit this problem again and again and one day it will mean the end of your life together, and by that stage you'll probably rejoice that fact. Why? Because you'll be sick of dealing with a person who doesn't have the courage or sense of self to stand up and say what the **** he actually wants.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Yeah, I think someone who would manipulate you in that way has something seriously wrong with him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to tell him because if you don't you are not being honest with him. Also, you need to talk to your husband about adopting a policy of radical honesty in your marriage. Every deception in a relationship, little and big, chips away at the bond the two of you have. It can completely kill your love.

Here is a link that you might find helpful...

https://www.marriagebuilders.com/the-policy-of-radical-honesty.htm


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## Visexual (Nov 8, 2008)

You know, there should be a manual to go along with obtaining a marriage license. The very first page should be in large print;

Be honest about what you're wanting in this relationship.

Then there should be compatibility questions about religion, politics, and of course, family expectations!

I was a 23 Y/O Combat Control Ssgt before I met my wife on a blind date. I was old enough to see a lot of my friends end up in unhappy marriages and divorces. And, in almost all of those, I knew they had let their hormones, and not their heads, get them into those marriages.

At about 21 or 22 I was all alone in the jungle for about 30 days or so. Writing was sort of a hobby of mine and I had pen and paper. That was when I decided that I might just get married someday.

So, I began writing down a sort of questionnaire. And I put sort of a grading system to it. I had categories everything from religion, political views, how good in bed and even things like social likes and dislikes.

From that deployment on, every girl I dated more than once, I'd start filling out my grading system. For that two or three year period I only had one other gal, besides my, now, wife, who passed my test. And, in honesty, I think I was influenced by the fact she had a really cute girlfriend that she'd arranged a threesome with for me. Ha!

I do remember another gal that I really, really, liked but she was a devout Catholic and I'm a devout Atheist. Other than that, she scored very high. And that was one of several categories that I just didn't allow any slack on. So, we never got serious. Well, at least I didn't.

Anyway, that was almost 48 years ago and we're still fairly compatible in most ways.

I'm guessing that he went along with the baby thing to make you happy. But, honestly, he shouldn't have. Like him, I never wanted children. I didn't even like myself when I was a child. Like religious beliefs, this is a major incompatibility.

Your husband was probably going along just to please you and may have thought that you'd just get over it. He was very, very wrong in stringing you along.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@kwilliams have him check this video out:- "30 Best Songs About Lying to Someone:-


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Both parents have to be 100% on board to have a child. It was terrible of him to tell you he wanted one when he didn't but that is the reality now. 

Can you be happy never having a child? Only you can answer that. If you will resent your husband for it for the rest of your life, then find someone else. 

Never trick / coerce someone into having a child because it isn't about you or them, its about the child. I was an unwanted (by my father) child - please don't do that to a child.


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