# Do I stay in my marriage even though Iam not sexually attracted to my husband



## lost wife7 (Oct 27, 2008)

Here is my story, 
I married when I was 21. I knew my husband only for about four months before I got pregnant. He is eight years older than me, and was ready to settle down, where I still wanted to party and live life. We decided to get married b/c it was thought of as the right thing to do. We were only intimate a few times before I got pregnant. At that time, I didn't have much to compare my sexual exp. with my husband, but enough to say there was not much attraction or chemistry with him. He is a great person, but I never really was in to him. But now I'am pregnant and married to him. He was always very in to me from the beginning. He also said I love you before I did. I waited a whole year to tell him i loved him. Im not sure if I really meant it, but I felt a little pressured to say it. He became frustrated with the lack of love and affection I showed him. After the first year of our marriage and not receiving much love from me, he put up a wall and starting show a little resentment towards me. I never wanted to be intimate with him. First I used to tell myself that sex was bad b/c it got me pregnant, and second I just wasnt sexually attractive to him. I always suggested therapy, but he would not budge. So, i went on with life. I was raising our son and finishing school, so i was busy. 6 years went bye and we had another child. At this time, there was still the feeling of no attraction towards him in bed, and still the feeling of never really being in love with him was there. But at the end of the day he is a good man and a amazing father. I just felt these were the cards dealt to me and I just have to play them. We have been married ten years now, and the feeling of being great parents and roommates is the only thing we are now. Throughout the years I suggested therapy, but he always refused. This was starting to have a toll on me. I felt very lonley. I began to have an emotional affair with a co worker. If felt great to be recognized and noticed. There was no sexual comments, only friendship kind of talking. My husband found a text from him and accused me of cheating. I explained to him that nothing happened with him, but he didn't believe me. I felt maybe this was my escape to get out. I never saw this side of my husband. He went crazy!! The worst thing was nothing had happened. I almost wished something had happened b/c I was getting accused for something I hadn't done. This accusations lasted for about 3 months. We started thearpy, but I felt there was nothing left. During that time, I meet someone new, and actually had a physical affair. I was so fed up with everything. Throughout our marriage i was always faithful, but during this time i kept telling myself i wasn't doing anything wrong b/c we were seperated. The problem is, my husband really wants to make our marriage work. He still is only aware of the emotionl affair i had. I have decided to see if there is a way to fall in love with my husband and be attractive to him for the sake of keeping our family together. I can't imagine my sons not having that family unit growing up. But even though I knew nothing could come out of the physical affair Idid have, I kind of fell for him. The sex was amazing. So my question is: Do I stay in my marriage even though Im not sexually attractive to my husband???

So very confused in Kansas


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## lost wife7 (Oct 27, 2008)

Help me!!


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## Ashley (Oct 21, 2008)

First of all i would like to be sure, is it you who isnt attracted to your husband or him who isnt sexually attracted to you??
Becasue you came to say both things and it had me confused.
if its him there is a problem with, then he should see a specialist, and also he should read books about sex and should have done so long ago.. i mean 10 years! Geez! what have you been doing for 10 years??!
You are both young and were when you get married, how come you didnt talk about it before? why didnt you simply told him that you were disatisfied with sex?
So when you made love with him it was a prostitution of you cause your feelings werent into it and you had to force yourself to be penetrated by him!?  but thats not normal at all! Why did you do that to you? and had him beleive that all was fine?
You also need to read books about sex and how to make love and get all kind of input and inspirations from those. Get info about it on the internet too, or even visit a sexolog.
It exist tons of books about the matter so you just have to get started. Do it together as a common project. Tell him that you feel no interest from his side and you dont see why he was so upset of you having a friend when he never gave a damn about you anyway.
As for you, you were wrong to marry him just because you were pregnant and also to have sex with a man you didnt knew well, wihtout using any form, of protection..  and what if he had AIDS?? 10 years a go that was the hight time for that and absolutly everybody was talking about protected sex, and condoms were everywhere.. you didnt noticed nor heard about that? :scratchhead:
Second, since you married him, after a year in the marriage knowing you feel nothing for him you should absolutly have ask for a divorce and tell him about it.
You have been lying to hmi for 10 years now about your real feelings and lask of, for him, and you have keep him in a lie and thats why he feel so distant and behave as he does towards you. If you want to change things, you ahve first to change the way you relate to your husband, meaning to stop telling him lies and making him belive that all is fine and lyou love him when you never did.
So tell him what you just told us above.
Tell him you need to talk to him and very quietly expose to him what happened and that you only married him cause you were pregnant and that you never feel love for him, but stayed because he was a greate father, but that you never feel sexualy attracted to him, but that you are willing to work things out if he is.
You have to be honnest.
Then you have to see if you and him can renew your commitment to each others and make your sex life alive again and make it more exciting than it has been up to now.
If not, be ready for divorce cause no matter what you say you want for your kids, the man do not deserve to live with a woman who never loved him and who never told him the truth, and who only used him for economical and social comfort. Thats not fair for him and thats not alrigth not normal for you to live your life that way. You chose to live in a lie, but you FORCED him to live a lie without him knowing so.You have also to found out what you want out of life and to take the decision to jump out, and to stop to found comfortable excuses for not doing it just out of your sense of comfort and your fear of losing it.. losing what this husband gives you: a house, and a regular income.
It is trust abuse. And you cheat yourself from real life.
Take the plunge. 
Unless he still want to stay with you when he will know the truth and unless you think you can love him if things change.
Because a couple with no love is a dead marriage anyway.

And btw about the kids, its far better for the children to be living with their mum who is finaly happy but divorced than to be in a marriage with no love and witness the parents indifference to each others.
So you dont need to use the kids as an excuse to dont do what has to be done.
And dont lie to yourself into the idea that the kids do not know those things. Oh yes they know and they have always know that you and your husband do not love each others and that you never loved him.. kids suck feelings like sponge from a very very early age..
And they did feel always, as peer pressure, the indifference of him towards you.
And it will weigh down on them for many years to come already..


A last thing about oyur relationship with your husband, it is very sad but you dont even have a friendship feelings with your husband..  Friends will talk together about everything and have fun, while here you never talk openly to him, never told him the truth, and never even told him about someone you met at work and was a nice pal to talk with.. had you done so, had you show some respect for him and treat him as a human being but also as your best friend, and husband, things will have been much better. But you closed him out of your world. 

When there is no love and no friendhsip, tell me, what is left?
When you couldnt achieve that in 10 years, do you think you could make a 180 degree change on yourself and become so different that you will tell the truth to him and be open to him?
Maybe you blamed him always for getting you pregnant or you blame yourself for having married him or for having become pregnat of him..?
Found out. You had 10 years to work this out and to reflect about it, so you should know by now.
No matter what happen now, he lose.
Maybe he always knew that you never loved him and also stayed with you and never filed for divorce because you made a wonderfull mum and he loved the kids too much to pull them through a divorce..
Did you thought about that?
Tell him the truth, just try, and see what migth come out of that honnest conversation. The first one in 10 years. The first one ever, that you wil have with him.
Put all cards on the table, and be willing to "take the risk" of telling the truth. The result might be estonishing, unexpected, and renewing. You can never know before you tried. And if you stay together it might be the thing that will trigger a new understanding between the 2 of you, and make it easier for you to tell him the truth in the future, to communicate more, easier, and better, and to always be able to tell him directly how you feel. Cause from what you are saying, this is lacking a lot in your marriage: Honnesty and real communication. 

I hope that this will help you and wish you good luck and courage with beign true to yourself and to your husband. 
:smthumbup:

[oh and one last thing, you posted this post in the wrong board.. This board is for advice about the forums rules, while advices about divorce and relationship is above, as you can read.   ]


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

lost wife7 said:


> Here is my story,
> I married when I was 21. I knew my husband only for about four months before I got pregnant. He is eight years older than me, and was ready to settle down, where I still wanted to party and live life. We decided to get married b/c it was thought of as the right thing to do. We were only intimate a few times before I got pregnant. At that time, I didn't have much to compare my sexual exp. with my husband, but enough to say there was not much attraction or chemistry with him. He is a great person, but I never really was in to him. But now I'am pregnant and married to him. He was always very in to me from the beginning. He also said I love you before I did. I waited a whole year to tell him i loved him. Im not sure if I really meant it, but I felt a little pressured to say it. He became frustrated with the lack of love and affection I showed him. After the first year of our marriage and not receiving much love from me, he put up a wall and starting show a little resentment towards me. I never wanted to be intimate with him. First I used to tell myself that sex was bad b/c it got me pregnant, and second I just wasnt sexually attractive to him. I always suggested therapy, but he would not budge. So, i went on with life. I was raising our son and finishing school, so i was busy. 6 years went bye and we had another child. At this time, there was still the feeling of no attraction towards him in bed, and still the feeling of never really being in love with him was there. But at the end of the day he is a good man and a amazing father. I just felt these were the cards dealt to me and I just have to play them. We have been married ten years now, and the feeling of being great parents and roommates is the only thing we are now. Throughout the years I suggested therapy, but he always refused. This was starting to have a toll on me. I felt very lonley. I began to have an emotional affair with a co worker. If felt great to be recognized and noticed. There was no sexual comments, only friendship kind of talking. My husband found a text from him and accused me of cheating. I explained to him that nothing happened with him, but he didn't believe me. I felt maybe this was my escape to get out. I never saw this side of my husband. He went crazy!! The worst thing was nothing had happened. I almost wished something had happened b/c I was getting accused for something I hadn't done. This accusations lasted for about 3 months. We started thearpy, but I felt there was nothing left. During that time, I meet someone new, and actually had a physical affair. I was so fed up with everything. Throughout our marriage i was always faithful, but during this time i kept telling myself i wasn't doing anything wrong b/c we were seperated. The problem is, my husband really wants to make our marriage work. He still is only aware of the emotionl affair i had. I have decided to see if there is a way to fall in love with my husband and be attractive to him for the sake of keeping our family together. I can't imagine my sons not having that family unit growing up. But even though I knew nothing could come out of the physical affair Idid have, I kind of fell for him. The sex was amazing. So my question is: Do I stay in my marriage even though Im not sexually attractive to my husband???
> 
> So very confused in Kansas


so, lemme see...you weren't sexually attracted, but you had sex with him...ok...and...uhhhh...

do this...stay together and make sure your kids have a mommy and daddy...or continue to dredge up resentment.

but don't have affairs...it sure was a noble cause as i read it...and separated means stil married...letter of the law...you are adulterous and trying to justify the affair...stop it..


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

I have to be attracted to someone and care for them before I have sex with them. I just can't make it with someone and not have any feelings for the person what so ever.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Since you have both expressed a desire to fix the marriage then try and move forward. Continue therapy and spend time together as a couple and as parents. There are years of damage to a marriage that was started on a shaky foundation anyway but that doesn’t mean it can’t be a successful one. You must discontinue all contact with both of the other men. You must realize that an EA can be just as damaging as a PA. You need to accept your husband for who he is and place value on his strong suites. See him as the loving father and good friend to you. A strong friendship can be a tremendous first step in building a strong and happy marriage. You have much work to do ahead of you so strap in for the long haul.


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## Ashley (Oct 21, 2008)

but amplexor, her problem is that they dont even have any friendship, basicaly they didnt knew each others before they get married, and she never feel love for him nor friendhsip, and they never talk together as husband/wife does nor as friends.. so they should never have get maried. He loved her but she didnt loved him.. I dont understand why she married him when she wasnt in love of him in anyway, nor had friendships feelings for him. t doesnt make sense and its very unfair for him.
I see no reasons to keep the error and the lie going on.
She lied to him about her feelings for him, and did so for 10 years! Thats a very long time for such a big lie!
She even pretend that her reasons fro not having sex with him were others than the real ones. Thats a marriage based on a lie and it will be best for him to be out of it.
She dont love him, she is not a friend to him, she lied to him all their life together, and now she has also cheated on him an dlike it better than her husband.. She had feelings for that guy that she never had for her husband, so where is the base for keeping that marriage?


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## Ashley (Oct 21, 2008)

Honey said:


> I have to be attracted to someone and care for them before I have sex with them. I just can't make it with someone and not have any feelings for the person what so ever.



i agree with that one comletely.

How could she have sex with that man when she was 19 or 21, without liking the guy nor loving him?
It sounds absurd. And she never seen him as a friend either.
So she went to bed with him and had sex with the guy 4 times without having any feelings for him, didnt used any prevention either, knowing she could get pregnant with a guy she barely knew and didnt love at all, and she get herself pregnant, of course, and married him only cause she was pregnant of him, and spend 10 years with him lying to him about what she feel for him, and even had sex with him even she didnt like it.. and did it unprotected again and get pregnant again..  and stayed with him because she was pregnant again  and now she says she dont want to divorce thus she is more attracted to another guy than him, because she has the kids and its more comfy for her that they are home with her and him cause her husband provide for everything.. :scratchhead: Meaning she repeated the same mistake 6 years in the marriage as she did when she met him.
Maybe its time for her to learn about life and to learn of her mistakes and to stop repeating them and to keep them alive.
She has to take stock on what she did and found out why, and to break the pattern she has been following for far too long already.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Ashley said:


> but amplexor, her problem is that they dont even have any friendship, basicaly they didnt knew each others before they get married, and she never feel love for him nor friendhsip, and they never talk together as husband/wife does nor as friends.. so they should never have get maried. He loved her but she didnt loved him.. I dont understand why she married him when she wasnt in love of him in anyway, nor had friendships feelings for him. t doesnt make sense and its very unfair for him.
> I see no reasons to keep the error and the lie going on.
> She lied to him about her feelings for him, and did so for 10 years! Thats a very long time for such a big lie!
> She even pretend that her reasons fro not having sex with him were others than the real ones. Thats a marriage based on a lie and it will be best for him to be out of it.
> She dont love him, she is not a friend to him, she lied to him all their life together, and now she has also cheated on him an dlike it better than her husband.. She had feelings for that guy that she never had for her husband, so where is the base for keeping that marriage?


and what, leave her husband in a pile of ashes?

it's like he's been eliminated from the island. marriage is not the nfl playoffs, one loss, you're out.

her responsibility (we were never taught this, were we?) is to learn what it is that she feels is lacking, communicate that to him, work with him, and find it. if he's a man, he'll be by her side while she does. 

she has a sense of justice. i like that:

"But at the end of the day he is a good man and a amazing father. I just felt these were the cards dealt to me and I just have to play them."

well, the cards weren't "dealt" by a stranger. the whole deck was laying there, you picked your cards up.

he's not a mass-murderer, child molester, physical abuser based on the post. maybe she tells him her issues and he says "screw it" and leaves HER. God forbid.


just because the state grants no fault divorce doesn't mean it's right.


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## Ashley (Oct 21, 2008)

Voivod, I dont think that you understand the situation. If you read my other post, you will also see that it is what i told her to do.

There is absolutly nothing wrong with the husband and nothing that can be changed.
She doesnt love him and never did.
but she told him that she did .. by lack of courage to say the truth.
The question here is why she married him in the first place and why she waited so long, 10 years, and managed to have 2 kids with him, when feeling absolutly nothing for the man and not even be on friend foot with him?
He has been living on a lie. More exactly she made him live his life on a lie, chaeted him by having an emotional affair and then a sexual affair..
The alone reason why she stay is because its comfortable for her..
But is that right for him?
I dont think so..
Thats why i said that she should tell him the truth to begin with..
But you should read my previous post as i am not going to repeat myself again... 

I dont understand why you talk to me like that, so angryly like if i was taking her side against the husband..
You think its alright for him to live with someone that doesnt love him and lied to him about her feelings since always?
She only maried him cause she get pregnant and even sleep with him before marriage without feeling anything for the guy.. and without using prevention.. and thats how she get herself pregnant..
I dont think its fair for the guy, and him being distant is clearly the result that he can feel she dont love him. She also dont want to be intimate with him..
Its already been 10 years of misery and 10 years in a lie. 
You think its good for him to get another 10 or 30 years of that?
i dont think so.
I dont like that you isolate a post, take it like that, dont read the thread, and come wiht some sort of angry reaction like you were feeling personaly offended by it.
Had you read my first post, you will have understood what i was talking about.

Would you like to live with a woman that says i love you but never ment a word of it for 10 years?
To be told by your wife that she never loved you at all?
And that she got feelings for a stranger and not for you?
You can work on practical stuff like communication and sharing homecores, and amount of time spend together, but you cant work out on love. Nor on attraction. If the chemistry dont pass and she doesnt love him at all, what do you want to do? 
Force it through? it cant be done..
Keep the lies til you die?
Who win in that story? Everybody lose, even the children.
Its better to tell the truth now, so at least the man got a big part of his life to found someone that will love him and wont lie to him.


At least thats how I see things. I rather be told the truth and can chose than been lied all my life just to "stay married". 
Isnt honesty and sharing and respect and love, not part of a marriage?
If you lack those, what do you have left?
Oh yeah " at the end of the day he is an amazing father!" right on! meaning its quiet comfy for her to stay there anyway.. 
But what does he get out of it, but living in a lie?
Thats what i ment is basicaly wrong.
and her story is not about having an affair and leaving her husband for that crush.. its far deeper than that.
The central matter here is that she never loved him at all and she never told him so.And becasue she doesnt love him at all she isnt interested in being intimate and close and all the rest.
And he dont know that.. 
I dont think you understood that vovoid.
I think he might feel the ground falling under him when she will tell him that she never loved him, or say "somehow i knew", and he could very well tell her to leave.

Getting married is not about picking up the first guy, getting yourself pregnant, marrying him, and just living there with him like you will do a stranger, and not talking to him, and feeling nothing for him, and not feeling like making love with him cause you never feel atttracted to him at any levels anyway, and not loving him at all.
That will be extremely sad.
And thats not how i se marriage.
This one is a convenience pact. 
But based on a lie, and therefor not convenient for both, only to her.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

ashley, this is your first post regarding this, right?



Ashley said:


> First of all i would like to be sure, is it you who isnt attracted to your husband or him who isnt sexually attracted to you??
> Becasue you came to say both things and it had me confused.
> if its him there is a problem with, then he should see a specialist, and also he should read books about sex and should have done so long ago.. i mean 10 years! Geez! what have you been doing for 10 years??!
> You are both young and were when you get married, how come you didnt talk about it before? why didnt you simply told him that you were disatisfied with sex?
> ...


i don't think my tone was much different than yours. i think this person needs to be kind to this man who it seems has done nothing to deserve being thrown in the recycle bin. i think if this is her decision she needs to hear what it sounds like. it a drastic response to a drastic decision. that's all.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

ashley,

you said:

>>>>You think its alright for him to live with someone that doesnt love him and lied to him about her feelings since always?
She only maried him cause she get pregnant and even sleep with him before marriage without feeling anything for the guy.. and without using prevention.. and thats how she get herself pregnant..
I dont think its fair for the guy, and him being distant is clearly the result that he can feel she dont love him. She also dont want to be intimate with him..<<<<<

prostitute, that's the word you used. i agree.

in addition, don't you think it's HIS decision what he thinks is acceptable. 


you said:

>>>>>The central matter here is that she never loved him at all and she never told him so.And becasue she doesnt love him at all she isnt interested in being intimate and close and all the rest.
And he dont know that<<<<<


like i said, she may COMMUNICATE this to him (novel idea) and he might say "f.u., i'm leaving." justice served.

if you were offended by my replies, you need to understand you weren't the target, the situation was the target.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Okay, so you wanted a guy to leech from? You used him for your own selfish gain?

Get a divorce. He deserves better than you.

draconis


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

unfortunately, he may have already emotionally built his life around this relationship. i'm sure HE had no plans on having another one.


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## lost wife7 (Oct 27, 2008)

Thank You for responding and reading my story. I have read your inputs, and still in much distress over my situation. One of the major issues that I'am dealing with is that maybe the reason I cannot be attracted to him or fall in love with him, is that in some wierd way, my youth was taken away b/c I had sex with him and he got me preganat. I was 19 and had the attitude of "its not going to happen to me", talk about being nieave. I do not blame him completley b/c i know it takes two to tango, but it happened. I also know now how is it possibe to have passionate sex with someone u barely know and being only 19. With only having two other partners before him, I could compare my sex life with the others. Before even being preganat, I told my friend that the chemistry just wasn't there. But here I was pregnant and had the attitude that the right thing to do is get married. If I could go back in time, I would have been smarter and used protection or just not have gotten married. But I can't, it is what it is. Another thing, I never had it in me, to tell him that he does not turn me on. How could I hurt his ego??? Life gets busy, and yes ten years is a long time, but when u have a family and a full time job and many extra activities there seems like there is never enough time. And ten years actually went bye very fast. My struggles that I have are: Do I not know how to love? He may be the father of my kids, but is he my mate? Can I make myself fall for him now, esp. after all of this?? Do I not sell my self short and stay with him b/c he is a good person and good father or see it an another way such as, Do I sell myself short or him short of something that may be out there for both of us???


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## lost wife7 (Oct 27, 2008)

"Do I sell myself short for staying or leaving"


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

lost wife7 said:


> "Do I sell myself short for staying or leaving"


are you asking are you too good for him? is that what i'm hearing???...just ponder your question please...because my answer is a resounding NO...


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## Ashley (Oct 21, 2008)

voivod said:


> ashley,
> 
> you said:
> 
> ...


I was adressing her.. you were adressing me and quoting me, thats not the same.. and replying me in a way because you had misunderstood what i had said because you had not yet read my posts.. which you idd now. Thats good, but doesnt change the fact that you were wrong first time around.. 

no hard feelings..
and i can see you still didnt get it because in my very first post to her, i told her to talk to him and tell him the truth which i said again in my second and thrid post..
this is not about her packign a handbag and leaving, htis is about her teling him how she really feel about him and see from there what happen.
I do believe that i made it extremelly clear, it cant possibly be misunderstood..


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## Ashley (Oct 21, 2008)

lost wife7 said:


> Thank You for responding and reading my story. I have read your inputs, and still in much distress over my situation. One of the major issues that I'am dealing with is that maybe the reason I cannot be attracted to him or fall in love with him, is that in some wierd way, my youth was taken away b/c I had sex with him and he got me preganat. I was 19 and had the attitude of "its not going to happen to me", talk about being nieave. I do not blame him completley b/c i know it takes two to tango, but it happened. I also know now how is it possibe to have passionate sex with someone u barely know and being only 19. With only having two other partners before him, I could compare my sex life with the others. Before even being preganat, I told my friend that the chemistry just wasn't there. But here I was pregnant and had the attitude that the right thing to do is get married. If I could go back in time, I would have been smarter and used protection or just not have gotten married. But I can't, it is what it is. Another thing, I never had it in me, to tell him that he does not turn me on. How could I hurt his ego??? Life gets busy, and yes ten years is a long time, but when u have a family and a full time job and many extra activities there seems like there is never enough time. And ten years actually went bye very fast. My struggles that I have are: Do I not know how to love? He may be the father of my kids, but is he my mate? Can I make myself fall for him now, esp. after all of this?? Do I not sell my self short and stay with him b/c he is a good person and good father or see it an another way such as, Do I sell myself short or him short of something that may be out there for both of us???


For your own sake, and for his sake, you should talk to him and tell him the truth face to face. You waited long enough
It was your big mistake from the begining
when you get married
after you were married
one year later when you told him "I lvoe you" knowing it wasnt true
and the follwing 9 years to dont have said a word.
So my advice to you is to tell him that you need to talk, sit down, and explain everything to him exactly as you have explained it to us here.
Say to him why you married him and that you didnt dared telling him before to dont offend him/ or to dont hurt him, and that you never dared tell him since, but that now you feel you have to say it as it is. 
Tell him that now you do not know what you can do, and dont know how to feel love for him, and exactly as you said above, maybe dont even know how being in love feels like.
Ask him what he think you 2 should do, cause you dont know and that you think its both bad and unfair for you and for him to stay like that, unless you can agree on something.
And see from there.
You have no other choice but breaking the wall and telling the truth.
As for you being stollen your youth, well, him too.. 
If it had been a real problem for you, you will have ask yourself those question since long. Like sit down and reflect deeply about it, but you simply never really did, and even now i can see that you are still reluctant at facing the truth and at telling it to him, and that you even ignored in your answers this very important part..
But thats what you have absolutly to do. 
Stop living in a lie and hidding your real feeling cause it is destroying real communication between you and him, and a waist of his life and your life. You have to be honnest and to stop hidding between thin excuses.
He deserve the truth from you, and you both deserve to stop this act.
Maybe his reaction will surprise you.
What if he never loved you either, or stop loving you years ago and is pretending just as you do, for fear of hurting you because you told him you love him, and he beleive you.. just as you beleive him, and only stay with you cause you are a good mum.. That will be something huh?! 

If you want to know what will happen next, all you have to do is to tell the truth, there is no other way around.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Ashley said:


> I dont understand why you talk to me like that, so angryly like if i was taking her side against the husband.


that's been your modus operandi since day one here ashley


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

lost wife7 said:


> My struggles that I have are: Do I not know how to love?


Probably not. but then, who really does? ive only been in my relationship for a short time and ive come to the conclusion that i am clueless. its actually a good place to start.



lost wife7 said:


> He may be the father of my kids, but is he my mate? Can I make myself fall for him now, esp. after all of this??


I think you can. i know you've been through a lot and you're wondering if there isnt someone else out there but you just have to make up your mind that you want to learn to love your H. as long as you are divided and wondering if there's something better out there, then your marriage will never be what it could be. 



lost wife7 said:


> Do I not sell my self short and stay with him b/c he is a good person and good father or see it an another way such as, Do I sell myself short or him short of something that may be out there for both of us???


i really think you should ask yourself if you should sell your kid short by taking away his good father? i know that sounds harsh but divorce is so hard on kids.


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## TheNubian (Nov 14, 2008)

Almost sounds as if you are still harboring some resentment from having your prime years stolen. I thought about your scenario and concluded that the most painful experience for me would be to have been the object of a lie, or to be tied to someone who feel trapped and incapable of loving me completely. While staying on for the children is noble, the fact is that children are resilient and can likely be sustained by parents who love them--even if those parents do not love each other.


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## storyboardlife (Oct 31, 2008)

lost wife, here are some of the questions you asked
"Do I not know how to love? He may be the father of my kids, but is he my mate?"

"Can I make myself fall for him now, esp. after all of this??"

"Do I not sell my self short and stay with him b/c he is a good person and good father or see it an another way such as, Do I sell myself short or him short of something that may be out there for both of us???

No matter what reason you got involved with this man or why you decided to stay with him up to this point, the fact of the matter is....you and he have children. The children need a stable home. Just because you don't have sex doesn't mean that the home is any less stable. Your commitment is to the home and not to your sexual gratifications. Also, of course he is going to think there was something more than the first emotional affair was. Because, you were distancing yourself from him. Why wouldn't he think that. Anyone would and you know if a husband was emotionally and physically separating from his wife she would think that he was having an affair. 

Love is a choice. You need to commit to the marriage and your children. If he is a good man then why in the world would you want to leave? (Would you rather have a "sexually" enticing relationship with a man who wasn't good?) Do you think that there is someone out there you can give you the sexual experience that "you have always been looking for?" If that is the case then you need to have sex with a lot of people (even women) just so you can be sure that you can find that "special someone." I would think you wouldn't do this would you? Well, then stop thinking about finding that ultimate experience. In fact, what you are really asking is if it is okay to sacrifice your children'' emotional stability and the health of your marriage on the altar of your sexuality. 

Here's a question, what would you say to the husband who wants to get a divorce from his wife because she is over weight? You know, she was already a little over weight but now after having a few kids she has gained more weight than he would like and as a result isn't sexually attracted to her. Should he divorce her? Should he teach his children that commitments should be broken when he "feels" they should be broken? 

Ma'am, recommit yourself to your marriage. (in the famous words of happy gilmore...."GO HOME")You are angry that you don't "feel" a certain way about your husband and thus punish him for it. aka...don't have sex with him as much as he would like and distance yourself from him emotionally. 

Would it be okay if he left you because you didn't cook as well as he thought you should? GO HOME. Apologize to you husband and tell him you are committed to the relationship and that you love him, the kids, and the relationship. He may take time for you to earn his trust but I know that you (just as you would expect him) are going to do whatever it takes to make the marriage work. 

You may need to see a counselor to work out what is going on emotionally between the both of you. Ma'am, he chose you and loves you. what else can a woman want in a husband and father?


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## storyboardlife (Oct 31, 2008)

Nubian,
what in the world do you mean by, "or to be tied to someone who feel trapped and incapable of loving me completely" and "the fact is that children are resilient and can likely be sustained by parents who love them--even if those parents do not love each other."

Are you saying that just because kids can handle a divorce that THAT makes it okay. Why is it that it is okay for your kids (you know the ones who didn't have a choice to exist) suffer for your choices?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You sentenced "a good man and a amazing father' to a loveless marriage for ten years. You make him a cuckold by cheating on him. And what is his prize? More loveless wasted years of his precious life with someone who will be "involved" with him in parenting. 

In your initial post the last thing you stated was.

"But even though I knew nothing could come out of the physical affair I did have, I kind of fell for him. The sex was amazing. So my question is: Do I stay in my marriage even though Im not sexually attractive to my husband???"

One question. Why could nothing come out of the physical affair? Was he married too?

Let's see what this prize entails. You cheat on him then take him through the living hell of a divorce but in the end don't sign. Then he gave you another "chance" But of course you being the cheating, lying, faithless wife you are, you don't confess your PA and give him all the information to make a true choice (proving that you STILL selfishly think only of yourself). So now He gets to live with a woman who is not his wife. Not in any real sense. You stay together for another 15 or so years. And after this further commitment by him, you drop him like a rock as soon as the kids are gone. Crushing him again. Why would you do that to another person? If its about your kids. You have already put them through the ringer once. What? You're going to put them through it again when they're adults. What kind of an example of marriage do they deserve?

In closing. I will address my advice to fatherof2. You asked for my opinion. I couldn't continue on in a marriage living with a wife who can't be honest with herself or me. She states in her initial post "I have decided to see if there is a way to fall in love with my husband and be attractive(ed?) to him for the sake of keeping our family together" Sorry but she doesn't get that do over. Divorce her. If she is really committed to seeing if she can "fall in love with you". She needs to date, court and woo you from the start. That's the only do over she gets. And she doesn't get the choice. You get the choice. She is "still" a liar and a cheat. But if she can convince you that she has changed and can actually love you like you deserve. And you can forgive her, then you look at remarrying her. You both need to see if you "can" or in her case "can start" loving each other. But this must be done when both parties can make the choice freely. And without pressure. You deserve a wife who will love you unreservedly. You decide if she gets a chance to prove if she is can be that woman or not. Best wishes to you both. 

We all have a stake in each others marriages.


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## Angry Andromeda (Dec 20, 2008)

Initfortheduration, I have to disagree with Storyboard. Your children would not have a stable home if it's built on a lie. 
It's more than sexual gratification. Great sex is impossible in the long run without love and friendship, even though god knows even then it is by no means guaranteed.

I agree with Ashley that it was your lie and your decision to marry him, so you must take ownership of that and now do what it takes to fix your life. At the same time, I think objectively your husband deserves some blame as well. He must have known on some level that whatever you had between you two was shifting sands. He was much older and may have seen this as an opportunity to take possession of someone who otherwise would never have been his. That's why Draconian's reply was exactly that, draconian. Your husband used you to his own end as well. The right thing for him to have done would have been to first build a relationship with you. 

If you don't go out there and pursue the youth you feel you have been denied, that regret and resentment would just revisit you with doubled force when you are even older. Do it now. Be honest to yourself and others. 

I had friends whose parents stayed together for their sake, but in the end hurt them even more deeply by dishonoring and hating each other right in front of them. It's only human, but the damage it did was vast. One of my friends said to me, "I only wish they could have split up years ago and spared me the pain. I knew they were living a lie, and I was made the center, the cause of that lie - I never signed up for that! It was not my fault!"

Clearly it would be ravaging to your children all the same, and you'll have a monumental task. But if you take good care to let them know how much you love them and do not use them as pawns, they'll come through alright in the end. You must take courage so they don't absorb the wrong lessons about life and repeat your errors down the line. 

BTW, all of us overstep the line when we give you advice in the way we just did. It's your decision, and no one but you know what's best. We are only telling it the best way we can in our limited capacity.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Lost_Wife: Hugs to you and I hope some of the mean comments haven't hurt you. 

I am in a situation very, very similar to yours (well, I was not pregnant and I was older, so my mistake seems even greater. I also did not have an EA, but I'm not holding that against you - we are human and **** happens, especially when you live a love-less life).

I agree with Angry_Andromeda that your husband is as responsible as you in the intial lie of the marriage. The only difference is, he fell in love when it was all said and done, but you didn't. 

When I got married, I believe all the stuff that people are saying on this post ("love is a choice", "make the choice and you will figure it out", "friendship is key in a relationship", etc). I really did not believe in love being something that happens to you, but rather you meet someone, build a friendship and if they fit your morals and values, etc, you "make a choice" to love them. Well, I did that. And I married him. It's always more complicated, of course, but that's part of it.

You know what? I've learned that it's not that calculated. We DON'T tell our hearts what to feel when it comes to love ... our hearts tell US what to feel. I've spent 5 years of marriage telling my heart to shut the **** up and keep trying to love this wonderful man and IT WON'T LISTEN. I chose him intellectually. I chose him because we have such similar ways, values, morality, goals in life, sense of humor, communication styles. I had never met a friend that I got so well along with. BUT, I was not physically/ sexually attracted to him.

Some of the previous posts try to minimize the importance of sexual attraction. Try to make you feel ****ty for wanting that, for needing that, for looking at other people outside your marriage and realizing that feeling is out there, just not in your home. But, it's that attraction that distinguishes your husband from your cousin or your uncle or your best gay guy pal. People like to act like, now that you are married to this guy, well, just make yourself be attracted to him - like you can create it out of thin air. Well, I'd like to see me pick some random person off a street corner and say "now force yourself to be sexually attracted to this person". It doesn't work that way.

Now, that's great advice for people who started out being attracted to their spouse and who started out madly in love with them. In those cases (which is most cases), I would imagine that you could summon back those old feelings. That if they were once there, they are likely to still be there buried somewhere. But, if it was NEVER there, I don't know how to you make it happen.

There's so much criticism for the "lie" that occurred at the time of marriage. But I understand your situation, lost_wife. You were so darn young, and pregnant at that. Trying to live by certain values that said you should raise your child within a family setting. You probably thought you should at least try. You saw what a good guy he was and you probably thought to yourself that, surely, you would end up falling in love with him. Why not?! He's such a nice guy. So ... I GET IT. That can happen. Especially when you hear it everywhere ... people acting like you can just make yourself attracted to someone, make yourself in love with someone. Why shouldn't you have believed that, if this was a nice guy AND you were already pregnant with his kid, why not CHOOSE to love that guy?

You, lost_wife, did at 19 what people on this post are asking you to do. You made a CHOICE. But, the real "lie" was that it doesn't work that way. And, sadly, you didn't know that. So I wish people would shut the heck up and about "choose to love him". Sure, you could if you ever did. But you never did, so you probably can't.

Same is probably true of me. I'm still hanging in there, but I don't imagine for long. It's tragic for all and, sure, the blame would be put on us (the ones that weren't in love), but our partners who decided they'd rather have us even if we weren't fully on board. They were so despearate for us that they said "it's ok if you're not sure if you love me, marry me anyway ... we'll work it out" (yes, my husband said that!!!!). So he is to blame too. At the time, I believed him that we would work it out, that I'd fall in love eventually. I'm still baffled by why I haven't --- he really is a great guy.

As for the question: "Do I not know how to love?" You do. We all do. You just don't know how to love this guy. And that's ok.


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## Angry Andromeda (Dec 20, 2008)

Ms Lady, you sound like a wonderful person, and I am sure you have done your best. I applaud you for trying to live your life honestly, and I wish you every luck! I am sure with all your gifts you'll find someone whom you can love wonderfully.


If the heavens can feel, even the heavens would get old
(Li He, Chinese poet, 800? A.D.)


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