# Should I keep fighting



## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

My wife has pretty much made up her mind that things are over and that we should separate. I feel we haven't even tried and we're throwing away and destroying far too much. I know you can't make someone love you but in my mind you have to at least try your hardest to save things. 

Anyway, due to responsibilities with the house, children, and finances neither of us can run away tomorrow and leave. We are going to have to remain together under the same roof for a while. The question is if I still love her and don't want everything destroyed should I fight like hell still? Or do you just have to let go sometimes? In my mind and in my heart I just feel like I cannot just sit and do nothing but I'm just so confused.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I would tell her immediately how you feel. At this point it's all you can do. She has to decide if she wants to keep fighting with you, because really this isn't something you can do all by yourself. If she's truly given up, you're going to have to accept her stand on it and start moving forward. Maybe she'll change her mind, but you can't sit on your hands waiting to see if she does. Your kids need you and other responsibilities will not wait either.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

I totally understand. I just don't understand how someone can destroy everything without really wanting to try. It really just doesn't make sense. I also don't know if I believe she's just going to walk away into the unknown without some kind of plan in her head already. The whole thing just doesn't make sense.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Here's a piece of advice.

Quit using logic.

Clearly, you are trying to communicate with her as if she were a man... trying to "fix" what's wrong.

It's not working.

Stop it.

You're not going to "logic" her out of this. Nor are you going to get anywhere by suddenly smothering her with affection.

Make yourself more interesting.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Reading your other thread, there is an issue that needs to be addressed first and that is your wife's EA with a co-working. As long as they are still in day to day contact at work, things will not improve. Whether or not she acknowledges that it was an EA or not. No contact must be enforced or she will remain in the fog. Tough to do when they work together so a job change will need to be made by one or the other. 

To answer your question in this thread, yes, if you love your wife and feel the marriage is worth saving fight like hell for it. My marriage survived my wife's EA but it took a long time to turn it around. But failure of the marriage was not an option as far as I was concerned as long as I had anything left in the tank. 

Address the EA and fight for your marriage. Don't leave anything back.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

Thanks Amp that's the way I feel.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I was going to say that is sounds like there is another man. That has been verified. I would put my foot down and try to kill that EA. She will have to quit however to end it most likely. You should tell her that the two of you cannot live in the same house as long as she is having the EA. She is asking to live in an open marraige with you supporting her. Yes, you sharing a hone with her is you supporting her.


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

Should you keep fighting? Yes. As long as you still love her, you should keep fighting, so that in the future you can look back and say you did everything you could. You need to figure out what went wrong in the relationship. This is where marriage counseling can help you.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

You can't force another person to do what you want them to do. When you start pushing, they back away because they aren't ready to go in the same direction. Just keep that in mind.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

I just don't have it in me not to fight so I have to. I'm not going to sit in a corner and allow myself to lose everything without a fight. I understand the concept that you cannot make somebody do something. It's a stalemate of two people wanting two entirely different things. To destroy everything for some kind of so called "happiness" just makes no sense to me.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Quit using logic.

Crush the affair.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Fight yes, but know thy enemy. It's the affair not your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT said:


> I just don't have it in me not to fight so I have to. I'm not going to sit in a corner and allow myself to lose everything without a fight. I understand the concept that you cannot make somebody do something. It's a stalemate of two people wanting two entirely different things. To destroy everything for some kind of so called "happiness" just makes no sense to me.


No it doesn't make sense, but she doesn't feel the same way you do or her actions up to this point would show otherwise. This isn't about making sense, this is about people making bad choices. 

So what do you do now? Fight, but how? What's the next move? I get what you're feeling, but you can't control her or what she does. You can't make her want your marriage to work. She has to make the choice. Your position right now is to accept, even though it's not what you want. She's an adult not a child, and if you force your will upon her she's going to go the other way.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

So, do I just still speak my mind about things without being insisting anything or trying to force anything?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Say what you need to say to her, of course. She knows how you feel right? She just doesn't need it drilled into her every single day and night. That won't do anything but push her further away from you. 

This is hard to do, and you will feel like you aren't doing much, but believe me you are. She has to choose to want what you want. And she also needs to know exactly how you feel about your relationship and what you want. There shouldn't be any misconceptions that she could toss around that somehow you want your marriage to end. Giving up has to be placed on her shoulders alone.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Makingsenseofit - I drafted this from BigBadWolf. He's right. I cannot say it any better:

_A woman in an affair, if it is the "I love you but not in love with you" and "needing space", this is just merely to let her husband down easy and not crush him all at once, and the "space" is space to continue seeing the affair man. 

Of course at this point you are already knowing these things.

Your frustration, it is understandable, to put into repairing the marriage andthe reconciliation 100 percent, and to see your woman, being dishonest and still trying to eat her cake and have it too with the affair man.

When there is an affair man in the picture, there is no reconcilliation for the marriage AT ALL until he is out of the picture.

LIke the heroine addict, to feed the emotional high is always the priority, every else is either a means to this end or merely a hindrance.

So understand this, yourself, and all good men reading this who need to know these things, for when a woman is caught in the "confusion" between her man and some affair man, for you the good man is only one course of action.

A woman in this scenario, do not wait for her to make "a decision". 

She is only be waiting herself to see which man lights her fire the most, which will be the man who will fight for her the most, which man is (making her feel) more sexually attractive, and this will be the man she will be connected to.

So you see, in these scenarios, it is never for any benefit to "wait and see" in away way shape or form. 

It is simply this, and always this, for you to make the decision for her.

For whether or not down the road if you want to reconcile or cut her loose, regardless, either way still, to show you are not a weaker man that is going to share your woman with some affair man, that you are worth the respect and commitment 100 percent from your woman. Period. 

To demonstrate this to your woman, that you require and command this much respect for yourself, makes you 10 times the man of the affair man, even 100 times the affair man.


So when the good man says "enough", this is the strong medicine necessary to smash the affair and wake his woman from the emotional high of the affair, on this forum the "fog" of the affair, so that once reality sets in, then and only then will rational discussion and communicaiton (and reconciliation?) even be possible.

Until the affair man is out of the picture, this discussion and communication (and reconciliation?), are not going to be possible.

I wish you well. _


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT said:


> So, do I just still speak my mind about things without being insisting anything or trying to force anything?


You must stand your ground and tell her that this affair is unacceptable to you. Keep in mind that talking in and of itself is not going to stop the affair. An affair is an addiction. It is chemical. So you need to do everything in your power to stop the affair. If I were you I would out the affair at her work with her HR department.

So you either act decisiveliy or your are enabling the affair. So expose the OM and your wife as much as possible. If she gets fired then good. No job is worth a marriage.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

I have the wife's email address so I think I'm going to shoot a message off to her. You're right there's nothing to be nice about here. These were two grown adults with families that made their own choices to involve themselves in an inappropriate relationship. I don't care if it was an inappropriate friendship or an emotional affair there was not only no reason for it both him and my wife know damn well it was wrong.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT said:


> I have the wife's email address so I think I'm going to shoot a message off to her. You're right there's nothing to be nice about here. These were two grown adults with families that made their own choices to involve themselves in an inappropriate relationship. I don't care if it was an inappropriate friendship or an emotional affair there was not only no reason for it both him and my wife know damn well it was wrong.


Yes, but it is not really a matter of not being nice. You are trying to protect your marriage.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

It's funny the daily attitude changes one goes through in these situations. I go from feeling yesterday that I want to fight like hell for the marriage. Then when I really think things over I feel like I need to keep my self respect and stand up for myself. If I'm not good enough and you're telling me you don't love me and you don't want me. Fine, I don't need someone like that and I will go find my own happiness with someone who loves and appreciates me.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT said:


> Then when I really think things over I feel like I need to keep my self respect and stand up for myself.


Standing up for yourself and Saving your marriage are synonymous


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT said:


> It's funny the daily attitude changes one goes through in these situations. I go from feeling yesterday that I want to fight like hell for the marriage. Then when I really think things over I feel like I need to keep my self respect and stand up for myself. If I'm not good enough and you're telling me you don't love me and you don't want me. Fine, I don't need someone like that and I will go find my own happiness with someone who loves and appreciates me.


That's the roller coaster from hell!


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

It's just so beyond frustrating. I totally get the 180 thing though at this point. It will make me a better person regardless of the outcome with my marriage.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT said:


> It's just so beyond frustrating. I totally get the 180 thing though at this point. It will make me a better person regardless of the outcome with my marriage.


:iagree::smthumbup:


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Here's a piece of advice.
> 
> Quit using logic.
> 
> ...


Love the last line. Not just for her though. One big realization from my dire consquences with my wife and what she finally beat through my thick skull was that she was looking toward the future and didn't like what she saw, where we'd be in 5-10 years. I was complacent working, coming home, kids, occasional, repeat. Since she made me open my eyes, I am trying to treat every day as if we were first dating. Trying to do different things with her. Keep her interest up. Also I am going back to school, something I should of done long ago but got lazy in that dept. too. As we talked in my thread, she really does seem into us again.


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## CrayinNH (Aug 7, 2011)

Ok well this advice is coming from my own experience. I kept fighting and grasping onto anything to repair my marriage. My husband didn't care. The more I tried the more he backed away..almost like he knew that no matter what I was right there basically begging. He would go on with his day happy as can be without a care in the world. It took that one day that I woke up and realized what am "I" doing? After that point I stopped trying and I stopped trying to force something that clearly he didn't want. Once this happened and he realized that he pushed me away "he woke up". It sucks to go through this and I feel your pain.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

No more for me. I'm going to start living my life again.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

Held my ground tonight and did the opposite of what I normally would do. She asked if I wanted to talk about anything and I told her no. She then asked if I was doing ok and I told her I was fine. I didn't ignore her and made small talk as we sat and ate dinner. Normally, I would've taken the bait and ended up in some emotional talk which has done no good in the past. I know it's only one night and one thing but you have to start somewhere.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT said:


> Held my ground tonight and did the opposite of what I normally would do. She asked if I wanted to talk about anything and I told her no. She then asked if I was doing ok and I told her I was fine. I didn't ignore her and made small talk as we sat and ate dinner. Normally, I would've taken the bait and ended up in some emotional talk which has done no good in the past. I know it's only one night and one thing but you have to start somewhere.


:smthumbup: 

Remember, Choices and consequences!


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

RDJ I'm glad you're around. I feel you understand and I totally agree with you. The good part is that I know I can do this. I'm now making my plans to go out Friday night with some friends.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Read Dobson's Love Must Be Tough.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT said:


> RDJ I'm glad you're around. I feel you understand and I totally agree with you. The good part is that I know I can do this. I'm now making my plans to go out Friday night with some friends.



Thanks for your kind words.

When I was going through this, I knew that I had to make changes in me, but when I would try to express to my wife that she also needed to make some changes, I would always get "Quit trying to control me". All that resistance made it pretty hard to create anything possitive. I had to learn to always give her choices. I'm not controling when she has options. She could make her own choice and then had to deal them on her own. "You don't have to be affectionate with me, but when your not, it builds resentment in me. Just like the resentment in you. We can live like this, we just won't be happy. your choice?"

That along with becoming the best man and husband I could be, creating a life of my own that did not depend on her (as you are doing) and persistance from me, over time made the difference. She changed because she made the choice too.

That make sense?


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

RDJ said:


> Thanks for your kind words.
> 
> When I was going through this, I knew that I had to make changes in me, but when I would try to express to my wife that she also needed to make some changes, I would always get "Quit trying to control me". All that resistance made it pretty hard to create anything possitive. I had to learn to always give her choices. I'm not controling when she has options. She could make her own choice and then had to deal them on her own. "You don't have to be affectionate with me, but when your not, it builds resentment in me. Just like the resentment in you. We can live like this, we just won't be happy. your choice?"
> 
> ...


It makes a lot of sense to me. I understand now that all I can do is work on myself. I have gotten nowhere with trying to use logic and talk to her. I will make the changes for myself. If she wakes up then great we can have a happy life. If she insists on her way then there's nothing I can do about it.


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## Gary22 (Oct 18, 2011)

I'm going through exactly the same thing only I moved out for a couple of days till my wife was able to move in with her dad and I am back in the house on my own as she has the kids.

She basically decided to think over whether she wanted me or not any more after having been given attention by some guy whilst away for a girlie weekend. She has questioned her marriage and her love for me because she has had the butterflies from someone else. I have been married almost 22 years and have 3 kids and family home. 

After telling her that I loved her dearly it appears I have come second best in her thoughts. She has said that her feelings are not about this other person but of her love for me which she is questioning. I have distraught for almost 3 weeks now but I feel my best option is just to let her get on with it because, if I know my wife, she will start to miss what she had and realise the grass isn't greener on the other side. The trouble is, the longer she leaves the relationship in the place it is the less I am going to want her back! That is a position she hasnt held thus far. Its all been about what she wants........time will tell.

Incidentally, its my anniversary on Nov 5th. Some tell me to send her a card. I think i should just leave it and let her wonder even more! Opinions?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Gary,

>>The trouble is, the longer she leaves the relationship in the place it is the less I am going to want her back<<

Have you told her that?

Be honest.

Tell her.

She's risking everything. And, make it stick.


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## Gary22 (Oct 18, 2011)

Conrad,

I think she knows it anyway as I will only take so much before the love for my soul mate fades as I've been hurt bad. Also, although she lives 10 miles away but has to travel to this town for her work, I've noticed that she has been in the house and cleaned it spotless. Why she finds the need to do this may be her guilt trip but i know she does it to so i notice. But I dont think this is fair as she's playing on my emotions and preventing me from moving on.


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## Gary22 (Oct 18, 2011)

Sorry, I don't want to hijack this thread but I understand what the OP is going through.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

I've decided to go into full 180 mode at this point. It will help me greatly regardless of the outcome with my marriage.


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