# confused, cheated, and regret it



## ckf (May 3, 2011)

My husband and I have been married for only about 8 months.. We have a 2 yr old son together and my H has been away since january doing military training. He is in the marine corp and on his 10 leave last month we got into a huge fight. He was drunk and a total ****. I'm confused on what I want now. And that confusion lead me to an affair with one of our mutual friends 
I definitely have feelings for the other guy but I know we will never end up together. I plan on telling my H about everything after he's done training so it doesn't distract him while he's in there. Ahh I don't know what to do. Hopefully we can work this out for the sake of our son. I just don't know how we can go back to trusting each other and ourselves for that matter. It's so much harder being apart.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

First, start by cutting everything off with OM. 

Second, think long and hard about your situation. You are only married for 8 months and already cheated on him. Were you ready for marriage? Do you love your husband? What do you want to happen?

Get tested for STDs stat.


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## ckf (May 3, 2011)

Well we've been together for 3 1/2 years. I definitely think the marriage was rushed bc of the marines, but I do love him. But when I was pregnant I caught him talking to one of his ex gf's and I think up til now i still resented him for that. I think I cheated out of anger and spite, not proud to admit that but it's the truth. He can be very hurtful when he drinks and talks out of his ass. 
And i'm not sure what i want, i plan on telling him everything and us both working on telling each everything about how we feel. I want to be with him, i just want us to both be as happy as possible. And if we do split up, he will be stationed in another state and that will take time away from our son.
And I have been tested. It's going to be hard to cut off all contact with the OM bc he lives near and is in the same group of friends. I know thats what going to hurt my H the most


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well you have to decide what is more important: staying in touch with OM or your marriage.

yes, it really is that simple.

OM is not saint. You said he's a "mutual" friend of you and your hub's. I'd hardly call him a "friend", especially not to your husband if he could do that.

This one is going to hurt your H a lot... because not only did his wife betray him, so did his own friend.

I would think seriously about the issues you and your H have. It sounds like you both have done some dirt to eachother and that isn't cool. You need to resolve that, not resent eachother and move forward if it's going to work. He needs to drop the verbal tirades and drinking. You need to drop OM and cheating.


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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

Why do you regret it, what makes one have an affair to begin with. Is it the satisfaction of knowing you can get away with it. But then their is regret, why after the affair. How come people regret an affair after the fact, is it because the fun is over and reality hits you or is it because you want to get back at your spouse. If you regret it then learn how to live with the fact that you will be accountable for your actions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ckf (May 3, 2011)

Ugh I'm disgusted with myself. And you are absolutely right.. I just hope he is willing to work on the marriage too. But I also don't know when to tell him about everything. He is done combat training may 16th and i get to see him for a few hours that day but then he leaves straight from there and goes to florida for his job training and im not sure how often i'll see him then or how long the training will be. I want to work this out but I don't want to distract him while he's in school.


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## ckf (May 3, 2011)

@peace:

I honestly have no idea. Before this I was the kind of person that would never ever cheat; i guess anger and spite got the best of me. There really is no excuse or reason to cheat, but we all make mistakes and hopefully I''ll learn from this and become a better person bc of it.


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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

ckf said:


> @peace:
> 
> I honestly have no idea. Before this I was the kind of person that would never ever cheat; i guess anger and spite got the best of me. There really is no excuse or reason to cheat, but we all make mistakes and hopefully I''ll learn from this and become a better person bc of it.




I hear you sweetie,

I know it must be tough for you, I hope you the best and with your situation.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

ckf said:


> @peace:
> 
> I honestly have no idea. Before this I was the kind of person that would never ever cheat; i guess anger and spite got the best of me. There really is no excuse or reason to cheat, but we all make mistakes and hopefully I''ll learn from this and become a better person bc of it.


I can understand what your saying but there a HUGE difference between talking to an ex bf/gf and having sex with a family friend. If your affair was justified by you in any way because he spoke to an ex, what do you think his anger level over this will be?

You need to seriously consider if you are able to work on your marriage and a relationship with *only* your husband as well as dealing with the serious repercussions of what you have done to your husband.

If the answer to either of these is no, you are better off ending it.

Q~


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

If you really care about your husband and you really want to work on your marriage then you need to stop all contact with said "friend" now! You need to get to the bottom of what the problems are in your marriage so you can talk to your husband about it and get it work out. Once you start working things out maybe you will be able to tell him that this all happened and that you knew that there were a lot of problems in your relationship so you stopped all contact with the "friend" because you want to work it out and fix your marriage.

Considering he is in the military and will randomly get sent off somewhere don't expect him to ever trust you ever again while he is gone. If he has any questions ever about anything you need to answer them right away without any hesitation so he knows your being straight forward with him. Of course thats only to help you both in the future once you let him know about it all.

I think everything can work out so long as you go about this the right way. You really need to cut off all contact with the OM, I don't care if he is friends with everyone you hang out with or talk to cuz guess what, you don't hang out or talk to them anymore either because there needs to be NO CONTACT between him and you starting yesterday and you can't leave it to chance that your going to hang out with people and he is going to show up. So while your husband is gone pay more attention to your family and his family and start doings some alone time thinking about what the problems are and how your going to fix the underlining issues that you have as well as the issues you both jointly have.

I'm going to give you my opinion on this because I'm in the military and its up to you to decide. Here it is, do not tell him while he is in training and gone. It will only make things worse for both of you but I'm mainly worried about him because being away is already hard enough but to add on top of it that you have to worry about what your DS has done behind your back while your gone with your child around will only make what he is going threw 20 times worse.

Like I said it's up to you to do what you want but I would really suggest keeping this from him and breaking off all contact with the OM and get right to work on your family. Spend more time with your guys family and work on yourself so you can work on your marriage when he gets home. As soon as its appropriate let him know, and I guess pray to God that he doesn't find out from the "friend".


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

seems to me.....

that u did this basically to call this or get his "attn" on yer
anger/insecurity/etc issues u have (just to name a few).

i offer up as proof, yer overwhelming desire/determination to 
tell him of yer fornication "exploits" with the so-called "good friend" when H returns from training.
unless of course u are soooooo guilt ridden over it yet havent
conveyed that clearly to us here with yer previous posts.

i read alot of immaturity in yer posts so far. u arent the 1st
one to write this way; u surely wont be the last.

u really both shouldnt have gotten marr'd, seems to me.
but alas, u r in good company. many here realize that
very same thing, since reading/writing here at TAM.

shalom........eventually............


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## ckf (May 3, 2011)

MrQuatto said:


> I can understand what your saying but there a HUGE difference between talking to an ex bf/gf and having sex with a family friend. If your affair was justified by you in any way because he spoke to an ex, what do you think his anger level over this will be?
> 
> You need to seriously consider if you are able to work on your marriage and a relationship with *only* your husband as well as dealing with the serious repercussions of what you have done to your husband.
> 
> ...


There is a huge difference.. I guess I knew it would hurt him the most, but at the time it never occurred to me how much of friend the OM WASN'T for him to be able to do that to his friend. 
Its either all or nothing with my H and I'm willing to put my everything into this. This marriage deserves another try, from both of us.


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## ckf (May 3, 2011)

Forsaken said:


> If you really care about your husband and you really want to work on your marriage then you need to stop all contact with said "friend" now! You need to get to the bottom of what the problems are in your marriage so you can talk to your husband about it and get it work out. Once you start working things out maybe you will be able to tell him that this all happened and that you knew that there were a lot of problems in your relationship so you stopped all contact with the "friend" because you want to work it out and fix your marriage.
> 
> Considering he is in the military and will randomly get sent off somewhere don't expect him to ever trust you ever again while he is gone. If he has any questions ever about anything you need to answer them right away without any hesitation so he knows your being straight forward with him. Of course thats only to help you both in the future once you let him know about it all.
> 
> ...


I really appreciate your advice.. it's nice to hear from someone thats in the military. I do plan on telling him bc if not our marriage is doomed for failure.. we need a clean slate. And hopefully we can both rebuild trust in each other. I don't expect him to trust me now, I barely know who I am after doing this. But I think I will take your advice and wait until we're together and have already worked on the other downfalls of our marriage. Thanks!


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## ckf (May 3, 2011)

cb45 said:


> seems to me.....
> 
> that u did this basically to call this or get his "attn" on yer
> anger/insecurity/etc issues u have (just to name a few).
> ...


I respect your thoughts, but my desire to tell him about this is because I want to fix it. If not, I would just walk awayy from this without even bringing it up. I would rather not tell him what I've done, I'm ashamed.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Like I said no contact, even with people that he has contact with. I know it's hard but it's what has to be done. You know whats worse then losing a bunch of friends because of your own action? Losing your friends because of someone elses actions and feeling like you can't trust anyone.

You see, my wife had multiple EA's and most were with friends of ours. Now I don't talk to those "friends" and I don't even go over to another friends house that I think they might show up to. I've hit the point where I'm about to start writing some of my friends off because they still hang out with those pricks.

The thing that really gets to me is why do people pretend to be so patriotic and are all about the whole "support our troops" deal, but then they do shady sh!t like this to us behind our backs. It really makes me think, why do the people in the military do what they do? Why? Very few people actually appreciate the sacrifice, and some of the people that the troops do it for are so quick to stab the troops in the back any chance they get. 

It's not like were asking for appreciation for making a sacrifice for our country. I would gladly deploy again any day to protect our country and another country in need and no one would have to give me a pat on the back or even a thanks. I just want at the very least to earn enough respect from people so that they won't feel the need to try to screw me over for personal gain when the opportunity arises.

If you can help it at all, try no to let these supposed friends talk to your husband, he doesn't deserve to have to deal with two-faced people because later on once he finds out, he will only be even more pissed off knowing that it all happened and the guy still tried to act as if they were still buddy buddy after the A happened.


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## ckf (May 3, 2011)

It's true, the OM obviously waited until he knew our marriage was at a weak point and until my H was away. It's pathetic actually. And by that I mean both of us.. I'm just as at fault as the "friend" but if he had any respect for me or my H at all, he would have avoided the situation. 
I'm sorry to hear that the same thing happened to you. And if you don't mind me asking, are you and your W still together?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well whether OM "waited" or not, you made a decision on your OWN to have sex with him. 

That is the truth of it. 

And yes, you are responsible and so is he for your adulterous affair.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Yes we are, after multiple EAs.. Is it good? no... far from it, but I'm trying. Though I'm almost to the point where I have little hope left anymore, yet I keep on trying because she's the love of my life.


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## ckf (May 3, 2011)

I'm so sorry to hear that.. I couldn't imagine how i would feel after multiple affairs, that's terrible.. You sound like a good guy, maybe she doesn't deserve you. But if she's trying too maybe it'll all work out.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Yea, but she doesn’t seem to really be trying all that hard. She said she doesn’t know what to do or how she can help me because now I have anxiety and depression problems on top of all the trust issues. So I’ve created a couple of documents for her with all sorts of information about what a spouse in her position should do to help a spouse in my position and I even went over it all with her a couple of times. I don’t really think she ever looked at them again. 

I even found this website and showed it to her and I showed her all of the posts I put up and all the comments I posted and she never even came back to this website. Most of the time, it’s like she is acting as if nothing ever happened. I’ve gone over things with her before and nothing really changed, in fact sometimes, I would talk with her about something that was really bothering me and not even a couple of hours later it was going on again.

An affair can cause a lot of mental and emotional trauma, so when you break the news to your husband you really need to be there to reassure him and answer any questions he may have and be totally open and honest with him. It’s terrible that this all happened, but it can give you guys another chance to start a whole new relationship that is transparent.

Prepare to have a person in your life who is going to beat you to death with questions about every little thing that has gone or is going on. Also prepare to have no privacy in your life, e-mail accounts, social networks, laptops/computers, and cell phones, you need to offer everything to him and let him know that you are comfortable with him checking everything whenever he wants and you have to give him opportunities to check it all without you near by so that he doesn't feel uncomfortable.

I hope you can resolve any problems between you two so that you guys can continue your marriage. Get to work on yourself while he is gone so he can come home to a loving and patient wife who is ready to help him and your marriage.


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## ckf (May 3, 2011)

Yeah, it doesn't sound like she's trying at all.. Does she want to stay married? I've only been on the website for a day and i feel like its already helped me.. If she wanted to change she would be interested in the website and everything you've put together for her. And it sounds like she's not very good at communicating either when it comes to talking about problems. I have that problem a little bit, but i've been trying to work on it.
I do plan on giving him complete access to all of my accounts, emails, etc. If not, he'll never be totally sure that i want this. I really hope things get better for you. Did she tell you about the affairs or did you catch her doing it?


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Yes, she says she wants to stay married and that she wants everything to work out. It doesn't really seem like that’s what she really wants but when I talk with her about everything she swears she wants it to stay and work on our marriage. She never told me about what was going on, I don’t think she even thought of them as being wrong really when it was all going on, so I’ve had friends bring up some of the EA’s to me and I’ve figured some out on my own. This latest one I found out on my own and then I had some friends tell me what they had heard or seen.

The last one was about 7 months ago and I caught her doing it, and it involved her texting/calling 3 guys. The one she was involved with the most she had texted him back and forth around 5600+ times and they had used around 1200+ minutes all during a 6 week period. The other 2 guys she had texted around 1600+ times during that same 6 week period and one of them she was calling around 250+ minutes. I only found out because I finally snapped out of the false reality I was in and noticed that shady sh!t was going on around me. Then I went to pay the bills and I noticed that the minutes and text messages on our cell phone bill were outrageous so I was trying to figure out how AT&T messed up, only to find out that they didn’t, my wife did.

Neither of us has ever really been that great at communicating with one another, especially after I came home from Iraq in 2008 because we both had really bad separation issues which only made our communication issues worse. I have worked really hard on communicating my thoughts and feelings with her since this all happened because I realized that communication is the key to relationships, but she still doesn’t really communicate that well with me and sometimes I don’t think she even really listens to me, like I’m talking to a child or something.

Be sure to work on any kind of communication issues you and your husband have because communication is really the key to a good relationship. I hope things get better for me as well and I hope that you and your husband can work together and make it down this long hard road you’re on.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

ckf,

I really do wish you and your H all the best in resolving this, but I've got to warn you that you better start preparing yourself emotionally for the very real possibility that your H will divorce you.

Granted that it is a generalization when I say that women seem to have a higher tolerance for sexual infidelity than us guys but it is true - take a look at most infidelity related forums. It may not be fair - neither is sexual infidelity - but it is what it is. I'm a perfect example of a man who could not tolerate his W sexual infidelity and filed for divorce even though it was the second most gut wrenching experience of my life.

If divorce does come, please don't stop going to IC (individual counseling) to address and resolve your issues that contributed to your decision to have an affair. This marriage MAY be over, but one day you may get married again and it would help if you didn't take your present issues on to the next committed relationship.

Good luck.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ There is a double standard re: infidelity.

My H and I both cheated and he told me he would never forgive me. Riddle me that.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

I completely agree with morituri, it all falls under the saying "expect the worst, hope for the best".


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> ^ There is a double standard re: infidelity.
> 
> My H and I both cheated and he told me he would never forgive me. Riddle me that.


True but keep in mind that the percentage of male and female infidelity is now very close. A very recent phenomenon that most of us men have not been prepared to deal with like women have for decades and even centuries.


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## ArmyQueen23 (May 3, 2011)

Being a military wife is not easy. Its the hardest job in the military. I my self am a army wife. My husband been in for 5 years 4 for marines and 1 year in army.

Cut off all ties with this om. That is a must. My husband messed around on me and that was the first thing he did. He cut away all ties and resources he used to talk to women. With no way to talk to anyone it makes it easier.

If you find it hard to be faithfull or to cut your ties you need to ask yourself is marriage really what you want? Its a lifetime commitment to just that one person. 

My husband messed things up pretty bad but since everything came out things have changed for the best. You have my support being a military wife, I know its hard when they are away but that is when we need to be strong.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ I think that's BS. Being "prepared?" LOL. 

But it's ok for a man to do it. Women are supposed to be wet mops and soak up all of it cause it's ok for a dude to do it but not women? Okaaay.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

to any & all re: M/F double std over sex.

dont forget the old mantra: men are horny dogs who go-a-humpin' anyone & anything. women are just the lil' victims
(vixens is more like it...) who get rammed unwillingly more often
than not, and as such are more "innocent/special" than men.

hogwash. especially nowadays, yet many old-timers kinda got
indoctrinated with this (or simiular/such thinking/tales).

this is why many/some men cant get past that their lil' squeeze
is (now...lol...ha) tainted. 

u see, men get to shoot off their "deposit" and thusly claim
some amt or form of ownership/rule over their "conquest".
women on the other hand, have to "receive the deposit" and so
are deemed "spoiled/tainted" regardless of whether they were virgins or not. 

their are many issues of access, dominance etc
that i wont cover here n now. but u can see them manifest 
here at TAM with what folk write justifying their EA/PA's.

oh well...i tried to stay simple, and went complex....time for a nap as i've got a headache.....:lol:


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## axw (Oct 18, 2010)

Curious... Who says it's ok for men to cheat?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Look at the movies, theres always some guy that cheats and then gets a round of high fives from all of his buddies. I don't think anyone has said outright that its acceptable for men to cheat but it surely hasn't been to frowned upon in society in the past however long, probably forever. I mean h3ll, back in the day when kings ruled the earth, it wasn't uncommon for them to have multiple mistresses and lots of people knew about it, so I think it's just been somthing that has been dragged on throughout the centuries.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> ^ I think that's BS. Being "prepared?" LOL.


So you're saying that, culturally speaking, men are equally prepared as women are for the possibility that their spouse could cheat on them? If you believe this then I've got some beach front property in Wyoming that I would love to sell to you:rofl:




> But it's ok for a man to do it. Women are supposed to be wet mops and soak up all of it cause it's ok for a dude to do it but not women? Okaaay.


Where did I say or imply this?

Let's face it, when women oriented shows talk about infidelity, who are they talking about? cheating husbands. And as far as double standards are concerned, these shows and other entertainment media, excoriate the male cheaters and blame them for cheating but when it comes to female infidelity they excuse the women cheaters and blame their husbands for not meeting their 'emotional needs'. Now THAT is USDA Grade A BS.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP, I support your decision to tell your husband the truth. Just be careful not to wait to long. Odds are he will find out since it was a mutual "friend" as your "friend" will likely tell someone and this will make for good gossip. It will be mush worse for him to hear this from someone else.

Be careful using words like mistake. A mistake is taking the wrong exit, etc. You made a choice to violate your wedding vows and betray your husband. Accept responsibility for your actions and work from there.

Good luck


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Hey ckf, indulge me a little here- Did what he(husband) did to you warrant YOU being intimate with another man? Because this is exactly what he is going to ask you. Was it REALLY that bad that you had to degrade yourself like that? Especially with a mutual friend. You have to let him know; and let HIM decide if he wants you back. I'll be honest, I wouldn't; but maybe he finds it in his heart to reconcile. Good Luck.


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