# Should I see him again?



## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

I have just removed this due to the personal context as it happenned such a long time back now.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

I think you should definitely talk things through with him.

It's not unreasonable for him to have concerns about the fact that you have a child and it would be unrealistic for you to expect him to love your child from the get go. I think he is being very considerate about the fact that your son obviously likes him, and could be very hurt if the relationship gets serious and then breaks up.

It's early days, so take it slowly.

One thing you should clarify is whether he is ultimately looking to have a child of his own, and consider whether you want that. There would be a large age gap between a baby and your son. You might find it a terrible bind to go back to living with a baby having yourself got used to the relative freedom you now have with a ten year old.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Oh I definitely want another child, the idea sounds wonderful. If I found the right person though and only then.

I think I am just concerned that his mind is made up, and this meeting might be hurtful.

I do think that he is right also. I am not going to be able to go away with him for weekends. I won't be able to go to social events. There's plenty I won't be able to do and it would require sacrifice of sorts from anyone's perspective. Either he thinks I am worth it though, or he doesn't and he's not really given it any time to discover the answer to that question.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

Sarajane,

This guy sounds like he's very much into you and you may be quite compatible, given all the positives you mentioned in your post.

You can't blame him for considering carefully before you start for the long haul... after all, he doesn't have children of his own so a relationship with you would be a life changing event for him... on many levels.

I personally think he would make a bad choice by letting you go just because of you son... how many women in your age bracket don't have children yet? That would be a minority... and -I realize I'm not gonna make any friends by saying this- just one 10 yo is way more attractive to men than a bunch of babies...

So yes, by all means, go meet him and talk about it. If what you say is true and he really wants a family, he may just get one (probe about him wanting more children or not though; that may be a deal breaker for YOU ).


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

sarajane231 said:


> Oh I definitely want another child, the idea sounds wonderful. If I found the right person though and only then.
> 
> I think I am just concerned that his mind is made up, and this meeting might be hurtful.
> 
> I do think that he is right also. I am not going to be able to go away with him for weekends. I won't be able to go to social events. There's plenty I won't be able to do and it would require sacrifice of sorts from anyone's perspective. Either he thinks I am worth it though, or he doesn't and he's not really given it any time to discover the answer to that question.


Sorry I missed this one before posting earlier.

Given what he told your friend, I don't think his mind is made up but he needs to be reassured about certain things.

PS: why do you think you won't be able to go to any social events or have trips/weekends together? My gf and me don't live together either and have three children between the two of us... and we do stuff like that regularly. All a question of organisation. Maybe he also needs to be reassured about that.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

I just know from experience how hard it is to juggle my work schedule / child and life and I know there are always big sacrifices. I do need to plan a night out weeks in advance and often can't stay late. Weekends trips away are impossible without months of planning.

I think he just had his heart set on the fantasy of a young, fun lifestyle and honestly if he really wants that I can't give it to him.

I know what you are saying about people having no kids in my age bracket is right though. Maybe he will go for someone 10 years younger than he is.

He has been married before, but it was more of a "friends" type of relationship. Two other LTRs, the first one had a 6 year old child and he said they could never do things together (which is why he ended it) and the second one did not want children (which is why he ended it.

He's said fairly openly that he's never really been properly in love and he wants that. Maybe the reason he hasn't is because he "thinks with his head and not his heart".

I just had a funny feeling about him. I think he's made a mistake here. I think there was potential, but then if he is going to dump me because of the lifestyle changes he'd need to make then best off now.

On the other hand...if he wants a baby he'd have to put up with all that anyway.

I think he is an over-thinker. I think he's a bit of a man-child in a way. I do think he is "into me"...but maybe he is telling me something and I should listen?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

meet with him and take is slow. keep the kid away until it get more serious.

hes a wise man with everybodys feelings be weighed in can't blame him for that. Actually you have to admire him for it!


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

SaraJane

Glad things are looking up for you after all you have been through lately.

This relationship seems to have potential. If only you 2 lived closer together and could just spend time (maybe lunches, 1 or 2 dates per week) so that you could just get to know each other better and keep your son from getting too attached. I know that would be pretty much impossible from the distance though. But this relationship begs for more time in getting to know each other and NOT involving the son right now. If I remember correctly he was quite attached to your fiance and really missed him. 

Two cautions -- well more like a caution and a half. You said more than once that he wants a carefree life where he can do spontaneous things. At 38 if he still feels that itch he may not be LTR material while your son is so young and you do not seem to have easy access to sitters. The other is right now he seems to have all the power -- you guys plan to meet to discuss the relationship but the discussion seems to focus on where HE wants to continue, and not YOUR needs. Somehow you need to figure a way to balance the power somewhat. 

Anyway, I hope this relationship works for you! He seems into you so that's a good thing.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

He's 38, not 18. I'm not saying he should wear carpet slippers and watch daytime telly, but if he's really wanting to be totally footloose and fancy free at his age then I can't see him squaring that with the desire for a child.

The LTR with the 6 year old is a bit of a concern - he is clearly capable of ending a relationship if everything is not going precisely as he wants it to. Any relationship requires some level of compromise. I also don't get why he got himself into a LTR with someone who didn't want children and then ended it because of that. I know people's views on children can change over time, so maybe he was banking on that, but if people are not on the same page to begin with it seems a tad odd to embark on a relationship. I always said I didn't want children. Hubby definitely didn't, as he already had some, but said that if I changed my mind he would oblige. I was in my early 20s then. (I did change my mind, he didn't oblige, but I think it all worked out for the best in the end.)

I still think you should meet him and have a discussion.

My personal approach in such a situation would be to say that it is silly to end something so soon on a "what if" basis, and the only stipulation would be to try to limit time he spends with your son so that if you do end up splitting then it will be less hard on the boy. Then just see how it goes. You say that the practicalities of arranging social time are hard, but I have often found that I am far less likely to have the energy and determination to arrange a night out with the girls then a night out with someone I am really keen on. (Sorry, girls!) You are completely right that it takes time to discover whether someone is worth the effort long term. However if he is not even prepared to put in the effort to find out then let him go. Someone in the first flush of attraction tends to go all out - if he doesn't go all out in the first flush of attraction there's no way he'll be a solid and dependable long-term partner.

Good luck. I hope it works out because it sounds like the relationship has potential. But you are clearly being very sensible about it - good for you.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Hi again Committed and thanks again for helping me with the previous situation. I agree we need dates without my son and potentially we can do that this summer as my Mum has him for a few weeks.

I feel pretty sure that if I go and meet him, the desire will take over, all his doubts will disappear until reality hits after the summer so I feel in a sense like I have to be smart and protect myself from being hurt.

In terms of him, I think he said his last two relationships lasted a year and he knew from the outset they wouldn't work and sort of carried on. Maybe he feels he would be doing that again with me.

Funnily enough...where he lives is actually where my friends / work are. Moving there would be great for me. He does know this is a possibility, we discussed it.

I suppose what I feel is that I am scared of being hurt myself. I feel pretty hurt right now and would not want it to get worse.

I think I will go and see him in a few weeks (I am down there anyway for a week for work) and maybe we can chat and see where the land lies.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> The LTR with the 6 year old is a bit of a concern - he is clearly capable of ending a relationship if everything is not going precisely as he wants it to. Any relationship requires some level of compromise. I also don't get why he got himself into a LTR with someone who didn't want children and then ended it because of that.


Yes, this sums up my reservations exactly. And no, with the woman who didn't want kids he knew from the outset. Actually neither of them wanted kids, and he knew in both cases. 

I think he has a strangely immature outlook on some things, and while I do admire the way he is so honest and thoughtful, I also think that life is not balance sheet or a list of pros and cons and if I am the first person he's dated in a year he should have allowed us to spend more time together before making a decision based on stuff way down the road.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

It's difficult, but it seems like he's using his head, which is good.

My situation a few years ago was similar. My (now) wife was out of a LTR and somewhat broken and picking up the pieces. She has 2 kids to your 1, and along I came, no kids, etc etc. The one major difference is that she and I live in the same city, not two hours apart - and that's significant.

I admit, I had a difficult time at first. She and I moved quickly, as well, but I didn't spend time with the kids until a few months in. The older one took a liking to me right away, the younger one, notsomuch 

In any case, many of the same things crossed my mind - instant family life, no impromptu weekends, all of that. It definitely scared me, but she and I were (and still are) so good together that it ultimately didn't matter. Also, I didn't want kids, though I do like them and enjoy being a sted-dad.

However, the fact that your guy lives 2 hours away is huge. That means the next step is for him to move to you (presumably because the father of your child, if he's still around, is in your area? My wife couldn't move anywhere far, even if she wanted to.)

So that's a huge step, to pick up and move, and all of a sudden it's 24/7, including the kid. And a lot of pressure on him (and you, of course). He's probably thinking that if he comes to you, and the 24/7 family life is too much, he's "stuck". I don't mean stuck with you guys, I mean he's picked up and moved, perhaps changed jobs, etc.

My wife will attest to the fact that dating with kids is unbelievably difficult at times. Her oldest (now a teenager) was an accident when she was young, and with the wrong guy. She spent several years going through the same cycle - guys who liked her, but didn't want/couldn't handle having a kid around. Either they didn't want the pressure, or that wasn't the life they were looking for at that time. Or worse, the guys who thought she was an easy lay, or desperate. She weeded those guys out quickly, but all the same, it doesn't do much for one's self esteem.

So she essentially gave up, and lived her life. The guy she eventually met and stayed with for several years (and had her second child with, planned this time), she admits she settled for, which was not ideal. He had kids from a previous marriage, and didn't reject her because she had one of her own. And that's what she based her relationship with him around. Unfortunately, she eventually realized that she likely wouldn't have dated him had she not had her own child, and that it was based on the fact that he also wanted to settle down, and was in the same position she was. Having a child and being single really impacts the available dating pool, and it's not difficult to end up with someone you're simply settling for, unfortunately. It almost becomes the most important thing you're looking for in a partner, while most other attributes are secondary. That doesn't add up to an ideal relationship.

The problem with your scenario is that he does not live nearby, so you can't really test the situation without getting serious with him. My wife was able to do that with me, and we casually dated for several months. I met her kids in that time, but they weren't part of our dates or us spending time together. We'd see each other a few times a week. In your case, it's just weekends at the moment. When she was confident that I wasn't going to run because of her kids, we started spending time with all of us, gradually. You don't really get that luxury, as he has to move to you in order to do that.

I'll be honest, the moral of the story is that being single with kids is not ideal if you're looking to re-partner. Not only does it severely impact the available dating pool, but it causes the main things you look for in a partner to become secondary to parenting skills, how well he/she gets along with your kid, stability, etc. You no longer have the time to properly weed out the good from the bad, and more importantly, every relationship that lasts more than a few weeks or months, there's a pressure to ensure they're "the one", so your child isn't constantly being introduced to a new "daddy" or "mommy" every 6 months. My oldest step-son remembers a couple of guys that his mom dated when he was very young. Then he had a step-dad for 5 years (and a new little brother). Then his biological father reappeared when he was 9, then I came along. It wasn't ideal. Now he has stability in life, and is old enough to understand relationships and the basics of how they work. But for most of his life until recently, it was confusing. Now I'm his dad and his father-figure. His biological father pops up twice a year and spends a couple of days with him, but that's it. He's not interested in being a parent, and my step-son has figured that out now, and although he's happy enough to spend time with him when he's around, he's becoming less and less excited about it. By the time he hits 15 or 16, he'll be involved in his own life (friends, girls etc.) that he's likely going to start telling his dad he's busy.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Wow, thanks Alexm.

No, I have nothing tying me at all to where I live with the exception of my son's school. the only reason I moved here was to be with my ex.

Moving to where he lives means:

1. I am in a city instead of a village with access to an airport which is great for me as my parents live abroad.

2. It changes travel time from where most of my friends and family are from 8 hours to 4 hours.

3. It is significantly better for my work.

4. Two of my best friend in the world live there and another very close pal lives 30 minutes away. this gives me much easier access to "weekend babysitters" as well as proper close friends. Up where I am is remote, far from "home".

So the distance is not really a factor for me and I was considering moving anyway. The father of my son's child would be closer too if we moved.

The only reason I did NOT move when my ex left was that my son wanted something in his life to remain the same and at the time I was in such shock / upset and confusion that I didn't want to move in a kneejerk reaction. My intention was never to actually stay here.

Now he did say from the outset that he would move to me if things worked out...but seeing as it's logistically better for me to be where he is I am considering it. In fact - him aside - I am considering it anyway.

When he ended it the yesterday I was so woefully sorry I had none of my best friends around for a glass of wine or a hug.

I am actually thinking without best friends around to be REAL babysitters who can have him for more than an hour, I don't think I can ever date ANYONE. 

I am afraid to move in case my son is unhappy in school. He has high functioning autism and his school is great, but it hit me today how incredibly lonely I am up here.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

SaraJane, I think you have no choice but to see what happens. If you don't, you will always wonder "What If?" You owe it to yourself to at least explore it.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Few thoughts:

When you are not looking, it's when you meet someone special.

Inviting him over to your house to meet your child was a huge mistake. You hardly know this man.....give it at least 6 months to a year!

Hear him out, he is right when he said "we are moving too fast". I would agree with him and slow down a bit.

Taking on a woman with a child is a HUGE deal to most man. Think about it.

Definitively meet him and talk things out. Apologize to him and tell him you made a mistake inviting him over to meet your child.

Other than that, express to him how you feel about him and he should too (he clearly opened up to a friend, he should've really opened up to YOU).

You are also already moving WAY too fast thinking about moving in etc. How long has it been between you too dating? Are you officially in a relationship?

Also, when did you end your last relationship?

SLOW DOWN!!!!

Remember, you are in Honeymoon phase and sparks are flying all over the place. Wait 2 years and develop the relationship proper. Once the honeymoon phase is over, see what's left....if sparks are still flying chances are you 2 are meant for each other.......but don't assume that DURING honeymoon phase.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

sarajane231 said:


> He has been married before, but it was more of a "friends" type of relationship. Two other LTRs, the first one had a 6 year old child and he said they could never do things together (which is why he ended it) and the second one did not want children (which is why he ended it.


Let me ask you a question, BIG question.

Assuming you 2 make it past honeymoon phase and things get very serious withing next 3-4 years.....

Do you ever see HIM or ANY other man as a priority in your life over your child?

If the answer is no, I would suggest that you hold off on any relationships for time being (trust me, in time you WILL.......hehe)

If the answer is YES, I would highly suggest you communicate that to this man. He needs to know that in time.....LONG TIME.......he will have the #1 place in your heart.

What I'm basically asking you to do is set priorities of people in your life. Mind you, in your situation priority is driven by time/experience with man you meet.

Today, you are a mother first.

In time, you should probably be a wife first, mother second.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Completely agree it was a HUGE mistake letting him meet my son. I'm an idiot!!


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

And DOF, no of course not. I think part of the problem here was that I would not get a babysitter two nights and made an effort to let my son feel part of my weekend  It was the opposite of putting the man first....I think I forgot his feelings completely.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

sarajane231 said:


> I just know from experience how hard it is to juggle my work schedule / child and life and I know there are always big sacrifices. I do need to plan a night out weeks in advance and often can't stay late. Weekends trips away are impossible without months of planning.
> 
> I think he just had his heart set on the fantasy of a young, fun lifestyle and honestly if he really wants that I can't give it to him.
> 
> ...


Two things stick out to me:

He's already been in a relationship with someone who had a child, and he essentially ended it because of that. Red flag.

And he wants kids of his own. Which is good, because you'd like another one, too.

However, the dynamic is not for everyone. He wants kids of his own, you already have one. That's probably the least ideal situation for him, if I'm being honest.

Like it or not, there's always a stigma involved (especially for us men) when there's a child involved who is not ours. It's not fair, or right, but it's there in most cases.

If I wanted kids of my own, I can honestly say that I likely wouldn't have continued on with my wife. Why? Because she already had two kids, from two separate relationships. I would now be dad #3.

From my own personal experience, it's a male ego thing. Oldest step-son's bio dad spends maybe 2 weekends a year with him, and always on short notice. He's not a parent so much as he's a cool uncle who lets him do things we don't. So when he comes back, he's got an attitude for a couple of days because he got to stay up late, didn't have to brush his teeth, got to play with pellet guns, etc.

Youngest step-son's dad is heavily involved, and a parent. This dynamic is more ideal in terms of child-raising, however he doesn't hesitate to make sure I know HE'S his dad, not me. We get along just fine, and chat when he picks him up etc., but my wife and I also recognize that he belittles my involvement and thinks of me as a glorified babysitter, rather than a step-parent. For example, if my wife isn't around, he will wait til she is to discuss parenting issues, or plans and scheduling. As far as he's concerned, I have no say. He even goes so far as to do the same thing to his current wife. Things can't go through her, and my wife (or especially I) can not discuss scheduling, school, sports, etc. with her. Everything has to be between he and my wife only.

She has struggled with the fact that she has 2 kids from 2 relationships. As I said in my previous post, one was accidental and with the wrong guy - it happens. The second was planned and with somebody who she had settled down with and envisioned her life with. That sort of thing happens, and is common. She is certainly not at fault (apart from not being careful when she was younger!) but that's not how society looks at these things, rightly or wrongly.

If I had wanted kids of my own, she wouldn't have continued with me, either. She has/had no desire to have 3 kids from 3 relationships. The stigma is already there, she doesn't need to add to it. Don't get me wrong, she's not embarrassed of her kids, but she also doesn't casually mention that they're from 2 different fathers, neither of whom are me.

My point is that it's possible that your guy has no desire to be dad #2 - and that's okay. As far as you're concerned, that's his problem. On paper, it sounds selfish and mean, but in reality, many of us want a "typical" family.

It doesn't mean it can't or won't work. I just personally think the odds are better in your favor to date a guy who already has a child or two, or who simply doesn't want any (but who likes kids!). I fall into the latter category, and things have worked out fine. I love my step-kids, and I enjoy being a "dad"!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sarajane231 said:


> Our of the blue I met a man *a month ago*
> 
> Anyway, a few days after leaving he started to withdraw over 48 hours. He was suddenly iffy about planning our next weekend together and after probing *he told me that he felt it had moved too fast too soon, that he was concerned about my son and taking on that responsibility etc. and therefore he thought he wanted to end it.*
> 
> ...


Eh.

First off, you only met this guy about thirty days ago which means you barely know him.

If he has told you this is too much/too fast/too much of a responsibility for him, you need to respect his wishes and not try to convince him he has the "wrong ideas." 

If he has said he wants to meet with you, then go and listen to him if you wish. But be advised: you can't convince him of something he does not want to do.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

sarajane231 said:


> Completely agree it was a HUGE mistake letting him meet my son. I'm an idiot!!


I don't think you are an idiot at all, you adjusted based on the situation.

He also kind of made thing worse by getting a hotel near you and forced you to meet him around the time.

Regardless, no need to point fingers. 

Just apologize for that......acknowledging this mistake will go a LONG way to tell him that you are smart enough to figure out what you did wrong and considerate enough to apologize for your own mistakes.

This alone CAN and most likely WILL bring you 2 even closer together.

1 month is WAYYY too early to invite him over to the house or meet your child. Give it at LEAST 6 months to a year. You hardly know this man!!!!



sarajane231 said:


> And DOF, no of course not. I think part of the problem here was that I would not get a babysitter two nights and made an effort to let my son feel part of my weekend  It was the opposite of putting the man first....I think I forgot his feelings completely.


I'm not sure if you are replying to my priority post but no, at this time, you should NOT put your man first. 

IN TIME though, you should communicate that if things get serious you will change your priorities. Based on his previous relationship, clearly when things were serious his woman didn't make him the priority....and she should've, as a wife.

So be careful how you word it, how you communicate it and WHEN You communicate it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He would have to go through a sort of 'grief cycle' if he continues with you, because he's been envisioning the fairy tale relationship where you marry and THEN have kids, so that's understandable. But you may be worth it. I would just advise taking it slowly. You're in no rush. Agree not to see each other in person more than once a month for now. Try to slow down the conversations, maybe an hour a day or something. Let your brain AND your heart work together, and see where it goes.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

EasyPartner said:


> I personally think he would make a bad choice by letting you go just because of you son...


How is a "bad choice" if he realizes he does not want that early on versus stringing her along and playing her all the while knowing he does not want to commit? 

If he changes his mind, then great. It would be awesome. If not, then it's better he told her now, within the first thirty dates, versus six months from now.

Some people do not want to date people with children. Just as some don't want to date people without children. It doesn't make any group "wrong" or "better."


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> How is a "bad choice" if he realizes he does not want that early on versus stringing her along and playing her all the while knowing he does not want to commit?
> 
> If he changes his mind, then great. It would be awesome. If not, then it's better he told her now, within the first thirty dates, versus six months from now.
> 
> Some people do not want to date people with children. Just as some don't want to date people without children. It doesn't make any group "wrong" or "better."


I agree with this but he already made that decision when he found out she had a child and continued dating her/talking to her etc.

I'm pretty sure it would be EXTREMELY hard to find someone that is "LTR material" without a child at that age.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

The obvious question was why did he not think about the child element if it bothered him before we got started. He knew the day we met.

I personally think it just "hit home" when he found himself sitting watching a movie on the couch as a threesome. 

I should never have actually let that happen. thinking from his perspective that must have been terrifying, but in my head (sounds silly) was no diferrent to having a friend over for dinner and a movie.

With hindsight I can obviously see from his perspective it's a vast difference. He was probably sitting there thinking this would be every weekend forever if he dates me.

Maybe long down the line after a lot of time together I would be worth putting that sort of effort in -bit obviously not yet. It's still the initial attraction phase.

I think I screwed this one up, but I'd like to find out what's there. I am going to meet him I think and suggest a few one on one dates over summer - nowhere near kids - no commitment just to see where we are at.

My best friend also said to be I was a dumbo, and if I had told her, she would have come up for the weekend and stayed in my house to look after my son. I wish I had done that but felt sort of guilty asking as she has a life too.

Dating as a single parent is really complicated. I can imagine it's a minefield for the other person too.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DoF said:


> I agree with this but he already made that decision when he found out she had a child and continued dating her/talking to her etc.
> 
> I'm pretty sure it would be EXTREMELY hard to find someone that is "LTR material" without a child at that age.


People are allowed to change their minds though. Perhaps the idea was one thing but in person it felt different for him... 

I still say there is nothing wrong with him deciding this doesn't work for him. It's commendable that he told her straight up instead of lying about it or pretending he's ok with it when he may not be. They only met a month ago. It's much better to discuss this now versus later.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sarajane231 said:


> I personally think it just "hit home" when he found himself sitting watching a movie on the couch as a threesome.


I'm thinking that is what happened.

Did he suggest meeting again? Or did you? How many dates have you been on?


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Yes, I know, it is commendable in a lot of ways.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> People are allowed to change their minds though. Perhaps the idea was one thing but in person it felt different for him...
> 
> I still say there is nothing wrong with him deciding this doesn't work for him. It's commendable that he told her straight up instead of lying about it or pretending he's ok with it when he may not be. They only met a month ago. It's much better to discuss this now versus later.


I'm not disagreeing.

I still think that meeting the kid was more of a "previous memories thing from other marriage" vs "something he doesn't want".

It just brought back memories IMO


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

5 dates and a weekend together. But then we talked for hours a day so it feels a lot longer. There was a high level of intimacy, and it wasn't me rushing things. He was making plans for later in the year...he was discussing the future. He just hadn't been realistic I think about practicalities.

Yes, he wants to meet me. Exact words "would be good to meet up and see each other. Maybe just to see? I do think we are doing the right thing though".

So not very encouraging.

Although he texted me all night after ending it, and this morning and if I put up a picture or comment on Facebook he "likes" it so he's watching me. It's hard to put my finger on why but I believe he feels it.

Maybe most people would have a problem with a stepchild? Men anyway.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DoF said:


> I'm not disagreeing.
> 
> I still think that meeting the kid was more of a "previous memories thing from other marriage" vs "s*omething he doesn't want".*
> 
> It just brought back memories IMO


But you cannot speak for him. Therefore you cannot say what he does or does not want. I hear what you are saying. But you can't assume your situation is applicable to his. 



sarajane231 said:


> 5 Yes, he wants to meet me. Exact words "would be good to meet up and see each other. Maybe just to see? I do think we are doing the right thing though".
> 
> So not very encouraging.


I say meet with him if he told you he wanted to meet up and you want to. Maybe something could come out of it. Maybe not. You won't know though til you guys discuss. I will say though, if he tells you he's not into it, then do not try to convince him otherwise. He sould want to be with you because he wants to.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Yes, I know.

Maybe giving him a bit of time and space would be good.

In truth, after fiance leaving us, having another man involved in my son's life is scary for me too. I'd not really want to have him "involved" in any way unless we were at the point of marriage for that exact reason. I would never, ever, ever want my son to be hurt again so will do all I can to prevent that.

I think maybe a discussion with him to let him know I am not looking for a Daddy for my boy might set his mind at ease. He might have got the completely wrong idea.

I can see from his perspective it must have been the worst way to have a 6th date!


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> People are allowed to change their minds though. Perhaps the idea was one thing but in person it felt different for him...
> 
> I still say there is nothing wrong with him deciding this doesn't work for him. It's commendable that he told her straight up instead of lying about it or pretending he's ok with it when he may not be. They only met a month ago. It's much better to discuss this now versus later.


Also true.

All in all, I don't think it's such a bad thing the guy and OP's son met already and she shouldn't worry about it.

At least she could witness their interaction (the boy has autism, right?) and it was good, apparently.

And OP's suitor can now better evaluate the situation and answer the question if having a family, kids and all, is what he wants instead of a "young and fun" lifestyle (w/o kids), as it was described before.

Having kids myself, I answered that question a long time ago, so it would be a no-brainer to me (hence the word "personally" in the phrase you quoted Jelly ).


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

He has high functioning autism. Perhaps that is also an issue? It's a little more "work" than most kids. But he's definitely well behaved, polite, sweet. I can see it would be offputting to an outsider


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

And to be honest, I actually started to really, really like him when I aw his interaction with my son. Although it was unplanned...his way with children was lovely to see.

Thinking this over now, I would have been scared to death if the shoe had been on the other foot. No wonder he ran for the hills. It was FAR too soon for that


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

sarajane231 said:


> 5 dates and a weekend together. But then we talked for hours a day so it feels a lot longer.


Way too soon....you are rushing in (but you already know that).



sarajane231 said:


> There was a high level of intimacy, and it wasn't me rushing things.


RED FLAG

if by intimacy you mean sex, this is REALLY REALLY bad IMO and only makes the whole "rushing in" thing THAT much worse.

And there is no way in HELL you 2 can be intimate just yet, sex, yes, but intimacy.......NO



sarajane231 said:


> He was making plans for later in the year...he was discussing the future. He just hadn't been realistic I think about practicalities.
> 
> Yes, he wants to meet me. Exact words "would be good to meet up and see each other. Maybe just to see? I do think we are doing the right thing though".
> 
> ...


They don't unless you lay it out onto them TOO soon. It's overwhelming and a HUGE responsibility for ANY man.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

sarajane231 said:


> And to be honest, I actually started to really, really like him when I aw his interaction with my son. Although it was unplanned...his way with children was lovely to see.
> 
> Thinking this over now, I would have been scared to death if the shoe had been on the other foot. No wonder he ran for the hills. It was FAR too soon for that


It's important that you recognize above, very smart and considerate of you.

Express it to him and apologize!

If I was dating a woman for a month and she invited me over to her house to meet her children that would be a red flag for me. Way too soon to introduce to children and I would probably think you are not very smart for doing so (putting your child in danger as well).

Can't possibly know someone well in such short period of time.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> But you cannot speak for him. Therefore you cannot say what he does or does not want. I hear what you are saying. But you can't assume your situation is applicable to his.


I understand, that's simply my gut feeling based on what she said about him in the past marriage.



Jellybeans said:


> I say meet with him if he told you he wanted to meet up and you want to. Maybe something could come out of it. Maybe not. You won't know though til you guys discuss. I will say though, if he tells you he's not into it, then do not try to convince him otherwise. He sould want to be with you because he wants to.


Correct, 100% agreed, but I would recommend starting off with apology for rushing in/meeting kid too early....in person.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

I meant conversational intimacy.

In fairness to me...he wanted to have a weekend together then because it was his birthday. In two weeks my Mum takes my son for a month (I have work commitments) and I wanted to wait until then.

It was also him who insisted spending two days instead of one. I had a babysitter for the first day so if he had actually wanted to, he could have planned to come up for a date, spend a night with me and go back.

That said, I don't think he realised the practicality of it (having no kids) and I also don't think he had thought about "down the road" until that moment. 

It was a case of brains out the window for both of us and it scared him off.

I will try and apologise and put a plan forward to him where we can get to know each other better without any child involvement and see what he says.

I just have a gut feeling that he and I are good for each other. I've felt really sad all day.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

sarajane231 said:


> I can see from his perspective it must have been the worst way to have a 6th date!


The thing is, at this point, you can't know what his perspective is. Don't guess. Wait and see.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

sarajane231 said:


> I just have a gut feeling that he and I are good for each other. I've felt really sad all day.


This is important


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

sarajane231 said:


> He has high functioning autism. Perhaps that is also an issue? It's a little more "work" than most kids. But he's definitely well behaved, polite, sweet. I can see it would be offputting to an outsider


A bit off tread, i apologise beforehand.

I had a thing with a charming woman after I was separated and she has 2 sons, the eldest, about your son's age, with high functioning autism as well. It didn't work out, that's another story (I wasn't ready yet), so I never met the little dude.

But sometimes I wondered how it would have turned out and, indeed, how her son would have reacted in the whole new situation (I was the first guy after her WAW thing). I don't know if there would have been a problem, but the issue came to mind.

What do you think? Don't feel obligated to answer if you don't feel like it, way off thread anyway.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think I recall your story. Your son was very attached to your boyfriend and his son? 

Yes, you should definitely move back to where you have friends -- whether it works out with this guy or not. 

And, yes, you introduced him far too soon to your son. Six months is the recommended time for a reason.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

sarajane231 said:


> 5 dates and a weekend together. But then we talked for hours a day so it feels a lot longer. There was a high level of intimacy, and it wasn't me rushing things. He was making plans for later in the year...he was discussing the future. He just hadn't been realistic I think about practicalities.
> 
> Yes, he wants to meet me. Exact words "would be good to meet up and see each other. Maybe just to see? I do think we are doing the right thing though".
> 
> ...


Most men will not have a problem with a stepchild - if they like kids, or have kids of their own. (and your kid isn't a brat!)

Besides, at our age (I think we're around the same age, mid-late 30's?) there's very few men and women who do not have an ex husband or wife and/or kids.

As for the moving too fast thing, I obviously read your original post, but the "met a man about a month ago" obviously went in one ear and out the other. (typical guy!) So yeah, WAY too fast, especially to meet your son, even in a "friends" environment. It's likely compounded by his age and his autism and the fact that it hasn't been THAT long since he's had another father figure around. It's easy to see why there was an instant attachment there.

I wanted to ask, and you don't have to answer, but has there been a sexual element to the relationship yet? Either answer could be significant, depending on what type of a man he is and what he's looking for.

It's possible that being intimate like that with him is part of why he thinks it's moving too quickly (us guys have a hard time saying no, even when we know it's not a great idea/too soon/etc...)

If you haven't, perhaps he's seeing you in a non-sexual light, and more of a "mother first", partner/wife second.

Either way, it could be detrimental whether you have or you haven't been intimate like that, do you know what I mean? He might appreciate the fact that you're giving off the vibe that you don't have to add that to your repertoire to keep him around and that it'll come later, or he could appreciate the fact that it's on your mind and you're into him in that way.

No matter what, it's one more stupid thing one has to over-analyze, right?


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Thanks Alex...yes intimate in that way but only on the weekend he came up....which makes me feel wonderful! He could have decided he felt this way before huh.

I was just stuck waiting for a bus for ages and ages and scrolled through past texts just to "analyze". Looks to me like it was him moving things a bit fast at first. He invited me and my son to stay with him a few days after meeting in a casual way. He was saying all sorts of things like "man I hope this keeps going so well, I really like you". He was texting as soon as he woke up etc. 

I think he just got a very intense case of initial infatuation. that said, i know from mutual friends he'd not been on a date for a year and he;s very fussy usually so I don;t thin it was fake.

Maybe we just got caught up in it. I am though feeling a little angry. Wish he'd through this through before sleeping with me. Makes me feel crap.

Also looking at his texts he was actually fine / keen / all good for a few days and he was saying he was sad without me etc. then something seemed to trip in his head. Spooked.

Easypartner all autistic people are diferrent, but my son is easygoing and not a typical autistic. HE would have been medically classed as Aspergers before they changed the diagnostic terms. He has very high intelligence, he's very sociable, very affectionate, incredibly polite - but yes - he often does like to spend hours alone. Just a bit socially awkward and rigid minded and he has some sensory issues. The only way you can tell he is autistic spending time with him is that he talks too loudly and talks a lot in rambling passages. I think he would be very happy to have someone else in his life, but as I said, I'd have to be at the stage of marriage for that to happen really.

Openminded...yes, he was (and still very much is) extremely attached to his stepdad and stepbrother who disappeared from his life overnight in November last year when the idiot left us.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I will chime in as a man in your age bracket who is also dating. First if this doesn't work out and you continue to date, and you should, don't introduce the kiddo so quickly. I think you have already seen the reason why so no need to continue with that.

Next when I looked at dating a woman with kids, even before I met them, my biggest concern is always are we going to be able to date just us? I need that alone time as a couple and since I only have my kiddos 50% of the time I have a lot of it. Nothing wrong with doing group things from time to time but the couple will need to be the foundation. If a guy feels you can't make time for him alone why would he bother? I also learned this first hand that I can date women who have full custody of their kids so long as they have ample babysitters willing to help out. With one women she was rarely willing to get a sitter for her son so we needed to end it. My current Gf has a son who lives with us but has tons of family and friends always willing to watch him at a drop of a hat so we have date night at least once a week and can even plan weekends away. If we couldn't that wouldn't work for me.

Go and talk to him. Hear his concerns and see if they are able to be worked on. Ask him to give you time time to find a babysitter if that's what needs to happen. Could be something small like that and this could be totally doable.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Ooops..thanks Wolf. Reading that back, i reckon the would have been given the direct impression we would never be able to date alone.

Realistically..if I move, I do have access to heaps of family and friends to babysit. Up here, not so much, so I rely on paid babysitters (not the type I leave him with overnight).

I also work weekends and nights plenty too - part of my job.

I do think in order to have some semblance of a romantic life I will need to relocate. Reading that back I can see it can't work any other way really and it's no life for me to never be able to date for the next 5 - 6 years.

I will give this a few weeks, then will genuinely see him and talk to him about these concerns and some possible solutions.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

sarajane231 said:


> Ooops..thanks Wolf. Reading that back, i reckon the would have been given the direct impression we would never be able to date alone.
> 
> Realistically..if I move, I do have access to heaps of family and friends to babysit. Up here, not so much, so I rely on paid babysitters (not the type I leave him with overnight).
> 
> ...


That's great then. I wish you best of luck in your moving


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