# I’m lost



## Thatbeardedguy (Apr 3, 2021)

Hey everyone, I have been with my other half for coming up 6 years, we have a 3 year old who is the centre of both our worlds but neither of us are happy and I’ll explain why...

about 6 months into the relationship the arguments started and they could be quite explosive( not physical ) then after this point they would just turn in to constant bickering, which goes on almost daily even to this day. I can take the bickering but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m wasting my life away with someone that I believe is the wrong person for me, don’t get me wrong she’s a good mother to our son but on a relationship level I feel there is a great deal missing from what I need and I just wanted to know if it’s all in my head and I’m expecting too much? Or am I right I’m thinking these things.
My partner will constantly snap at me for little things like asking her how her day was, she hardly talks to me unless I talk to her first, I’ll come home from work and greet her and I’ll just get a mumble back, we have sex maybe once or twice a month and that’s because I initiate it. She doesn’t have any time for my family and hardly ever speaks to them when we go to visit. We both have none of the same interests, we will both watch a series together once in a blue moon and that’s it. There’s much more to write but off the top of my head at 1am it’s hard to put it all into words. Basically I’m wondering if I should expect more from my romantic life ( which I feel personally would be better suited elsewhere) or I should just stick with the hand I’ve been dealt? I can’t lie I would have been gone a long time ago if it wasn’t for our son, I’ve stayed this long for him and I previously couldn’t imagine leaving my other half as I’ve always wanted a family life for him with both parents still together, but lately I’m not sure I can keep up with that? She goes to bed at 8.30pm and I stay up later as I’m more of an evening person, she moans that I never want to go out with her for a drink etc, we do these things together at times but not often, the reason being because I want to get out some evenings with friends to give me a break from the mental drain that I feel when living with the constant war with my partner. Can I have some of your advice please? Have any of you been in a similar situation ? What did you do about it? Are things better now for you?
Thanks


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

She sounds like she has a ton of resentment for you -- and there seems to be a real lack of communication between you both. Does she KNOW your thoughts on this -- that you are considering divorcing? (DO NOT tell her this unless you mean it.....) 
Have you been to marriage counseling? Have you suggested that to her?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Okay my rookie thoughts are this:

Has someone else captured your attention?

With the bickering, how do you respond / disengage? Are you an active participant or do you disarm - which could even be asking her ‘Are you done?’

I don’t care if you’re a night owl. Start going to bed at the same time. It can be good for intimacy, or at the very least until then, just has you around one another.

Take her out for that drink. Treat her like she’s your girlfriend. Not the person you’re sparring with - and cut that out from your side anyway. Basically, lead from a place of knowing and valuing her as the woman by your side balanced with knowing and valuing yourself. We demonstrate to others through our own behavior the kind of relationships we accept (in terms of typical and healthy relationships). 

Yes, I entered the Men’s Clubhouse. Maybe my advice is crap. Maybe not. You’re welcome.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Also this advice only applies if you’re still somewhat mentally checked-in. Which it seems you could be, as you’re posting here.


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## Tinman921 (Apr 4, 2021)

Tension and bickering is kinda normal for many relationships. If you feel that there is value, for both of you, in the relationship then you have to go to work. However, if you can't shake the feeling that she is not right for you then maybe she isn't. Decide early. I have been married for many, many years and i have not shaken that feeling yet. Our relationship has devolved into something unrecognizable due to resentment and lack of communication.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Thatbeardedguy said:


> she moans that I never want to go out with her for a drink etc, *we do these things together at times but not often, the reason being because I want to get out some evenings with friends* to give me a break from the mental drain that I feel when living with the constant war with my partner.


And you're wondering why she isn't all sweetness and light.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

*Does she feel the same as you?*

Why does she stay?

The biggest predictors of divorce... criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

You're both on the fast track to divorce if you continue to use these behaviors when you communicate.

*Why all the resentment towards you? *

Resentment kills relationships. Both of you will need to lose the resentments and stop the habits that cause them.

Best


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

From your side of things, her side looks replete. In that full, nag-drab color, in such painful detail. 

We would be better served seeing life through her eyes.

I see two miserable people. 
A divorce would remedy this, times two.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

This book may be worth your time to read.

The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

If your partner is stuck at home chasing a 3 year old around all day, she's probably exhausted by 8:30. Are you taking the child with you when you go visit your friends to give her a break? Just what does your partner have to look forward to?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Imagine if she was posting here: what would _her_ version of the story be?


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Laurentium said:


> Imagine if she was posting here: what would _her_ version of the story be?


Probably the same just replace she and her with he and him.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Thatbeardedguy said:


> Hey everyone, I have been with my other half for coming up 6 years, we have a 3 year old who is the centre of both our worlds but neither of us are happy and I’ll explain why...
> 
> about 6 months into the relationship the arguments started and they could be quite explosive( not physical ) then after this point they would just turn in to constant bickering, which goes on almost daily even to this day. I can take the bickering but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m wasting my life away with someone that I believe is the wrong person for me, don’t get me wrong she’s a good mother to our son but on a relationship level I feel there is a great deal missing from what I need and I just wanted to know if it’s all in my head and I’m expecting too much? Or am I right I’m thinking these things.
> My partner will constantly snap at me for little things like asking her how her day was, she hardly talks to me unless I talk to her first, I’ll come home from work and greet her and I’ll just get a mumble back, we have sex maybe once or twice a month and that’s because I initiate it. She doesn’t have any time for my family and hardly ever speaks to them when we go to visit. We both have none of the same interests, we will both watch a series together once in a blue moon and that’s it. There’s much more to write but off the top of my head at 1am it’s hard to put it all into words. Basically I’m wondering if I should expect more from my romantic life ( which I feel personally would be better suited elsewhere) or I should just stick with the hand I’ve been dealt? I can’t lie I would have been gone a long time ago if it wasn’t for our son, I’ve stayed this long for him and I previously couldn’t imagine leaving my other half as I’ve always wanted a family life for him with both parents still together, but lately I’m not sure I can keep up with that? She goes to bed at 8.30pm and I stay up later as I’m more of an evening person, she moans that I never want to go out with her for a drink etc, we do these things together at times but not often, the reason being because I want to get out some evenings with friends to give me a break from the mental drain that I feel when living with the constant war with my partner. Can I have some of your advice please? Have any of you been in a similar situation ? What did you do about it? Are things better now for you?
> Thanks


Well. Maybe if you didn't despise her, and you show your disposition towards her with many of your actions, she would respond more favorably to you.

Where are the romance novel heroes when you need one?

I would pay to read the story where Captain Dashing literally swoops in and takes her away.

You have definitely engendered sympathy for your lady from this barbarian and 😡 towards yourself.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Thatbeardedguy said:


> Hey everyone, I have been with my other half for coming up 6 years, we have a 3 year old who is the centre of both our worlds but neither of us are happy and I’ll explain why...
> 
> about 6 months into the relationship the arguments started and they could be quite explosive( not physical ) then after this point they would just turn in to constant bickering, which goes on almost daily even to this day. I can take the bickering but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m wasting my life away with someone that I believe is the wrong person for me, don’t get me wrong she’s a good mother to our son but on a relationship level I feel there is a great deal missing from what I need and I just wanted to know if it’s all in my head and I’m expecting too much? Or am I right I’m thinking these things.
> My partner will constantly snap at me for little things like asking her how her day was, she hardly talks to me unless I talk to her first, I’ll come home from work and greet her and I’ll just get a mumble back, we have sex maybe once or twice a month and that’s because I initiate it. She doesn’t have any time for my family and hardly ever speaks to them when we go to visit. We both have none of the same interests, we will both watch a series together once in a blue moon and that’s it. There’s much more to write but off the top of my head at 1am it’s hard to put it all into words. Basically I’m wondering if I should expect more from my romantic life ( which I feel personally would be better suited elsewhere) or I should just stick with the hand I’ve been dealt? I can’t lie I would have been gone a long time ago if it wasn’t for our son, I’ve stayed this long for him and I previously couldn’t imagine leaving my other half as I’ve always wanted a family life for him with both parents still together, but lately I’m not sure I can keep up with that? She goes to bed at 8.30pm and I stay up later as I’m more of an evening person, she moans that I never want to go out with her for a drink etc, we do these things together at times but not often, the reason being because I want to get out some evenings with friends to give me a break from the mental drain that I feel when living with the constant war with my partner. Can I have some of your advice please? Have any of you been in a similar situation ? What did you do about it? Are things better now for you?
> Thanks


She sounds like she's really angry with you. Has she had issues with your family in the past? Any issues there?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> Where are the romance novel heroes when you need one?


They’re in that other thread making some people feel inadequate.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> And you're wondering why she isn't all sweetness and light.


He is going out with friends to get away from her behavior. To get away from her crap.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> And you're wondering why she isn't all sweetness and light.


I didn't get the idea that his drinking with his friends _*caused *_these issues; but maybe he can elaborate on this. Sounds like these issues are separate from his behavior.

He said he does spend time with her, and they go out together; nothing wrong with each partner in a marriage having time apart from the other, with friends. In fact, I think most would agree that's healthy.

In the last year of my marriage, I stopped doing a lot of things with my XW because she would ruin the evenings by picking fights when we'd go out; we would be having a good time, eat dinner, get a drink or two, then BOOM, she was suddenly not talking to me, turning her back on me, throwing things, etc. She would - at the same time - complain we didn't do enough together, but would refuse to accept any responsibility for her actions being the cause of why that was.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Obviously, he is doing something wrong...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Divinely Favored said:


> He is going out with friends to get away from her behavior. To get away from her crap.


Is he taking the kid with him?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

TomNebraska said:


> I didn't get the idea that his drinking with his friends _*caused *_these issues; but maybe he can elaborate on this. Sounds like these issues are separate from his behavior.


When does she get a break from his crap? How about if he comes home and she struts out the door saying 'see ya, have fun taking care of kiddo while I go get drunk with my friends'.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

16 Days ago, That bearded guy made his one and only post on this forum. That should tell you all you need to know about drunk posting.
Pack up your clubs, This horse is dead.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> If your partner is stuck at home chasing a 3 year old around all day, she's probably exhausted by 8:30. Are you taking the child with you when you go visit your friends to give her a break? Just what does your partner have to look forward to?


His partner has only the four walls, a 3 year old and a man who wants his needs to be met without any consideration for her at all. In other words a selfish man who thinks that his wife should be there to pander to him when he comes home from work but God forbid he would have to do anything for her including maybe take the kid of her hands, take her out on a date. No wonder she resents him. What value are you bringing to her life OP?


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## Thatbeardedguy (Apr 3, 2021)

Hey everyone, 

sorry it’s been a while for an update but I pretty much haven’t had time for anything and I hope this post covers why..
I will start off by adding a few points that I didn’t previously..
When I go out for a drink with friends, which isn’t actually as often as many of you may think, it’s after my partner is asleep , so I aim to go out around 8.30ish. 
I also do take my son out and give my partner space and time alone without having to chase after a toddler, quite regularly. 
my partner chooses to not go out and enjoy herself, see her family or friends etc and I do often suggest this to her in the hopes it would help her in some way.

Anyway about A week after posting this thread ( and no I wasn’t drunk at the time ) the weirdest thing happened, we woke up one morning and bang, we were talking and getting along! This progressed throughout the day, we were showing each other affection, 50/50 and not one sided, this came after no discussion about our situation either, this new found positivity from both of us has continued and even improved every single day since then, it’s something I can’t explain and I don’t think she can either, I can’t tell you why or how things turned around as suddenly and as quickly as they did, but they did. One night last week me and my partner were laying in bed talking and we both mentioned that things in our relationship have never been this good. I’m in complete shock after such a long time of things not going well that they have suddenly turned around after no prompt at all. We have had 1 bicker in this time which lasted a couple of hours but we have been fine after that and these things will always happen in any relationship! I wanted to thank you all for your advice and support and it will certainly be taken onboard for now and the future, I’ve seen some comments on people going through similar situations and whilst it may not always weirdly conclude the same way mine has so far, there is a way to find happiness for every single one of us and I hope some of the advice given on this post helps you too!
All the best,
The beard


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