# I am so scared....



## dhiggins79 (Aug 31, 2012)

I have been married for over 4 years and have a 3 year old daughter. My wife is wonderful. She has her issues, knows it and works on them. I never did. I broke 26 months of sobriety(alcohol) on July 26, 2012 after an argument. I told her I was tired of the fighting, tired of hearing her saying she wasn't sure about whether she wanted a divorce or not. I left and drank that night. I have now lost my home, wife, daughter, security, etc. I stayed home with my daughter for 3 years will my wife worked. I know I have severely hurt her through this. She says she does not want to be with me right now. When I ask her to elaborate more on that, I get roundabout answers. I do love my wife very much. And I do want to be married to her. I am currently in a Sober House, with plans for finding work, Out Patient Alcohol classes, Individual Therapy. I just don't know how to handle this. I miss my wife and daughter severely. I cry at the drop of a dime, and I was not able to shed a single tear for many years. Now, the slightest sight, sound, smell, etc. and I break down. How do I go about this? How do I give her the space she needs, my space, and still try to make this right? I still don't know if she wants to continue the marriage once we work on the issues on counseling. I just really can't think of a life without her. Our wedding day is the proudest moment in my life. My daughter my proudest achievement. How do I cope with this, work on my issues, work on our issues, and not push her away at this delicate time? If I go 1 day without talking to her, I feel completely empty. Hell, I miss just laying next to her in bed or on the couch. I miss looking at her and telling her I love her. I am going crazy and don't know how to handle this. I have never let someone in so fully. 

Thanks


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

Congrats on turning things around? It's okay to be scared, give yourself a break. Why do you feel empty when you don't talk to her? What actions can you take to keep you focused on moving your life ahead instead of fretting about her? Why do you feel more emotional now than before July 26? Why did you lose everything for 1 time of drinking - there must be more to the story.

Sorry for all the questions.


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## dhiggins79 (Aug 31, 2012)

When I used to drink I was verbally abusive. I was mean. Never physical. I made a promise when I got sober in 2010 that I wouldn't drink. I went to AA for 16-17 months and it slowly weaned off. Being an alcoholic, I had trouble coping, expressing, communicating, showing support,etc. 

I'm not sure why I am more emotional now. Maybe it is because of the longer sobriety I had, and that I didn't go back out for a long period. My mind was clearer, and I am able to process more. 
As for losing everything. Her grandfather owns the home and lives there also. He has made it very clear I am not allowed back, no matter what. 

Any questions, I will answer as best as I can. They can only help me.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Get back in A.A. It's not the length of sobriety; it's the depth that counts. Remember: HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) can trigger a relapse. Going back out is he!!. I bet it was like you had never stopped.

I lived with an alcoholic for years. Slips happen. All you can do is make amends after you have re-worked the steps. Go back to Step 1. Get a sponsor. Get busy working a program.

It works if you work it. And as far as the grandfather goes, if he wants to refuse to accept your amends, that is his right. Be the best man you can be and let the emotions that you held in for so long out. 

Give your wife time and space. Does she attend Al-Anon? If not, that could be an issue. I would have lost my grip on sanity completely if I didn't go to at least two meetings a week.


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

Prodigal has good advice. My advice is the opposite. Go to counseling and find out why you chose to drink again. Run from AA because it imposes a world view of disease and powerless instead of allowing you to question and find yourself. But really, choose what works for you. If you are curious about the choice view, google the topic, esp non 12 step, is addiction a choice, etc. 

The best advice is to just take the next indicated step and don't pick up no matter what. Do the next indicated step, to get your life and yourself back together. Once you do that, all the gifts will return, you will be a magnet for your friends, family, and employers. It's easier to have the spouse support, but in this case you don't. 

Have you considered counseling to go into what you said are difficulty in coping and showing emotion? Maybe that is what caused you to drink? For me, it was boredom so I know not to go down that path when I am bored, but to find other outlets.


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## dhiggins79 (Aug 31, 2012)

I am going to AA meetings at this time to get back on the right track. As for counseling, I sought out a therapist that deals with emotional issues, coping, communication, etc.
Due to the holiday weekend I won't be able to see her until Sept. 7. So I am spending a lot of time in my head right now, and it does not help. But am constantly being reminded everywhere I look to the overwhelming nature of the situation right now.


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