# I've got a case of Walkaway Syndrome. Help!



## thankfulone (Apr 9, 2012)

Just hear me out! It has been 18 yrs of pretending to be what I'm not to keep my family together. I married someone from another culture, language, religion, etc. He gave me the feeling that he would be willing to merge the American culture with his but from our engagement on, he has dismissed my needs and moved relatives temporarily into our home, insisted that his kids be his religion, stop helping around the house and I have swallowed it all for almost TWO DECADES! I am now on anti-depressants, overweight and have been depressed for soooo long. His family has no boundaries and no respect for American customs (like call before coming over, not moving people in unnanounced, etc.) I don't know the last time I have not had one of his family's customs shoved down my throat. He in the past few years has stopped being so pushy (when I threatened to leave before) but I have given up so many years of being me that my kids are closer to his family and my relationship with them has suffered. He is not a horrible person- just terribly narcissistic! So why is it so hard to separate despite my declining mental and physical health? AM I crazy for being afraid to take a marital break??? a trial separation? He at first refused to go to counseling but now is ready to go. I could give two ---- right now. I'm worn out!! What is wrong with me? :scratchhead:


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

You have been controlled for too long

How old are your kids? Could you see leaving them if you needed to go?


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

There's nothing wrong with you, what would mark you out as having problems would be if all of that didn't make you depressed. Do you have a friend, who is not of your husband's culture that you could talk to and maybe even go and live with for a while? My sister was in a similar situation to one you're describing for nearly 25 years before a close friend helped her escape by providing a spare room and emotional support.


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## thankfulone (Apr 9, 2012)

Toffer said:


> You have been controlled for too long
> 
> How old are your kids? Could you see leaving them if you needed to go?



Thanks Toffer, I am exhausted! He is not a horrible person, in fact he is well liked by many. I have just had to dim my shine and my desires so that he could keep his anger under control and keep his criticizing to a minimum (my cooking, cleaning etc. seem to not be good enough). The alternative-which is staying- is less scary but sooo sad to think about. I dream of a life that embraces who I am and where I come from. I am praying for strength to ask for this space that I so desperately need. And no, I can't imagine leaving the kids behind although the high schooler thinks he walks on water. I know that she needs to see her mother coming from a place of strength before our mother/daughter relationship could improve. Sigh....


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## thankfulone (Apr 9, 2012)

grenville said:


> There's nothing wrong with you, what would mark you out as having problems would be if all of that didn't make you depressed. Do you have a friend, who is not of your husband's culture that you could talk to and maybe even go and live with for a while? My sister was in a similar situation to one you're describing for nearly 25 years before a close friend helped her escape by providing a spare room and emotional support.


Thanks Grenville. Strange as it seems, i know that there is nothing wrong with me. I just thought that I would be hopping through the tulips with joy at the thought of leaving. Instead, I am scared, numb and walking around in a daze. I guess because it has been so many years of 'captivity'- ( I do accept my part in this marriage by the way) that like a caged animal whose gate has been finally opened, I can't seem to find the courage to get up and walk out. 

Legally, if I leave without the kids (and I could never do that anyway), the courts may see this as abandonment of the home and I could lose a whole lot if it went to a divorce.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Thankful,

You should speak with a lawyer ASAP and find out what your rights actually are.

Are you worried he would take your kids to his native country?


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## thankfulone (Apr 9, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Thankful,
> 
> You should speak with a lawyer ASAP and find out what your rights actually are.
> 
> Are you worried he would take your kids to his native country?


He is a citizen now (thanks to me) and I don't see him leaving as he has very good job and career here.
(How would his family mooch off of him if he weren't here making the bucks anyway? lol!) So I don't see that as a problem. I just think that he may tell me to 'hit the road jack' if I'm the one with the issues and he may not move out of the house. 

A lawyer told me that separations are not recognized in our state but I still plan to get our responsibilities in writing just in case he does something behind my back while we are separated.
Wish me luck as I have "THE TALK" with him soon.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

thankfulone said:


> Thanks Grenville. Strange as it seems, i know that there is nothing wrong with me. I just thought that I would be hopping through the tulips with joy at the thought of leaving. Instead, I am scared, numb and walking around in a daze. I guess because it has been so many years of 'captivity'- ( I do accept my part in this marriage by the way) that like a caged animal whose gate has been finally opened, I can't seem to find the courage to get up and walk out.
> 
> Legally, if I leave without the kids (and I could never do that anyway), the courts may see this as abandonment of the home and I could lose a whole lot if it went to a divorce.


As Toffer says, talk to a lawyer before you do anything. 

You're scared because you're thinking of leaving everything that you've known for the last 20 years; again you'd be odd if you weren't scared by that. It took my sister a couple of years to rebuild herself after leaving but the transformation has been total. From having been trapped at home more or less for a quarter of a century she's resumed the career she abandoned when she met her husband, got herself a really nice boyfriend, resumed writing (something she also gave up), bought a great apartment in a cool part of town and generally got her life back. It's a shame it took her so long, but better late than never.


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