# Vegas



## monalisa (Apr 20, 2008)

I've been married for a little over a year and my husband decided to go to vegas with his friends from Friday to Monday. I really felt uncomfortable about this but I couldn't say no. We had some issues we dealt with the past year. We fought over his friends constantly and he stopped seeing his friends for the last 4 months. So when this opportunity came up with his other group of friends that live in another state, he wanted to go and I couldn't refuse. I don't condone going to strip clubs. I think that is same as cheating. He said he won't go and will stay behind when his friends go but honestly, I don't believe him. When he gets drunk, he loses his inhibitions and becomes a party guy. As a matter of fact, I think he will want to go more than ever. We don't have sex much, maybe once every 2 months and it seems to be getting worse and worse in that department. I can't help but to think of all the stuff that Vegas has to offer a guy. From a male point of view, what do you do there with guy friends? Does the fact that you are married changes things for men? I guess it depends on the guy but I'm still curious. He's not a gambler either. I see him gambling at most 300. It feels so wrong that a married guy will want to go to vegas in the first place. what do you think?


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I'm actually someone who does not mind if my husband goes to a strip club. Its not that he goes often, but as a bachelor party type of thing. If he did it regularly I would have an issue. The way I see it the guys just kind of go be guys, there is no touching, no connection in fact it seems rather impersonal. So I would never put this in a category of cheating. On the other hand, it sounds like the two of you have some connection issues and you and or he are missing some companionship you aren't getting right now. I think that is a separate issue, and working through that and concentrating on getting back that intimacy is important. Like you said you can't stop him, so tell him to go and have a good time. When he gets back, why don't you surprise him with something you know he would like. I think he just wants to blow off steam with the guys.


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## monalisa (Apr 20, 2008)

You are right on the money about wanting to blow off steam with the guys. Yes, I think that's it but why is it that it always should involve drinking, nightclub and girls or even strip club?... I have never been to a strip club so I don't have a first hand experience but from what I see on film, tv, and documentary, the guys seem so perverted and they are sitting there getting turned on the whole time. People say there's no touching but the girls grind and rub themselves on the guys and their private areas are right in their faces. I think that is personal. Yeah sure. They're not in love with each other and the girls are pretty much hustling for money but it still seem so wrong to me to be at a place like that when you are married. He doesn't want me to ever go to a strip club either. He doesn't want any guy naked in front of me or groping me. I feel the same way. He's been to strip clubs many times in his life time, for bachelor parties and what not. He said about 10 times but I think the real number is 20. I just feel like his friends are going to pressure him into going. He promised but I just don't know. I do have trust issue. Yes, you are probably right about us having intamacy issue and not connecting. Would you be okay if your husband wants to go to vegas? As a boyfriend, that's different but as a husband, I think certain things are off limits but maybe I'm wrong....


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## brenda (Jun 27, 2008)

I do not agree with strip joints, and yes the girls do grind against the guys and put their stuff in their face (how do you think they make their money) In fact I had a friend that was a stripper, and she told me that lots of girls are doing more on the side then just dancing to make extra coin. My hubby and his friends go 4-wheeling for guy weekends, because; they are all married and have families also. Are your husband's friends married or single? Perhaps the two of you need to make some couple friends that you both enjoy spending time with, then maybe he'll find a new way of interacting with people (besides drinking, and going to strippers) 

If you are really uncomfortable with the whole thing you need to voice your opinion and hope that he takes your feelings into consideration. If he's hanging out with a bunch of guys that will be chasing chicks, going to strippers, and drinking all weekend, he can't promise that he'll hang back, if was going to hang back there would be no point in going.


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## BlueCreek (May 5, 2008)

Tough call. I went to a number of strip clubs in college, though I have to say, none of the ones I ever went to had anything but the girls on stage, so I don't know how Vegas clubs might be different. But I abandoned all that after college, seems sort of juvenile. I had no desire to go to one for my Bachelor's party, so we didn't do anything like that. Actually, The other few I have gone to, none of the husband's-to-be wanted to do that either, which is good news because I would have had to decline. Not for any personal moral reasons per se, but simply because I feel I would be disrespecting my wife if I did. I'd hardly place it anywhere near the same ballpark as cheating, but I know my wife wouldn't like it, so would never place myself in a position where I'd be pressured to do it. At the same time though, I could care less if once every year or two my wife went with a bunch of friends to a male strip club. If she wants to chill out with the girls, look at a few musclebound men and stuff a few bills down their g-strings, not a big deal. I trust my wife, I know she wouldn't so much as kiss another man let alone let a naked one sit on her lap, and I know she's coming home to me and still being with me and not picturing some chip-n-dale dancer in her bed.

In honesty, don't hold your breath that your husband won't go to one while there no matter what he promises. No matter how much he means it now, when he's there and everyone else is pressuring him and laughing at him (men who would go to strip clubs are probably the same kind to no respect his decision and pressure him and call him all sorts of names until he does,) do you expect him to hold firm and stay at home in a hotel room all night? But from a man's point of view, and one who is against going to places like that, you should probably just let this one slide. This is the bachelor party for another man, what's most likely to happen is they go bar hopping/strip-club hopping, they will drink a lot, and every one else will chip in to give the bachelor a lap-dance or two. The other guys probably aren't going to be getting one for themselves.

Now, if this is a serious issue for you, and you really see going and watching a few complete strangers dance half naked for a while as the same thing as sleeping with another woman, then by all means, do put your foot down and explain that to him. It shouldn't matter if he agrees or not, but if this is that big of a deal and this is going to place a strain on your marriage you can't get around he should step down and agree. 

Now normally, this would be my advice straight up. I would recommend you tell him how uncomfortable this makes you feel, how important it is to that he back you up on this considering how strong your feelings are. There is one major problem in your case though, he has been making an effort to chose you over his friends for four months now, he's giving up his old love of partying for you and sounds like he's been fairly successful. So you run a fairly serious risk of this backfiring on you and making him less willing to make adjustments for you regarding his friends and what he does with them in the future. He could vary well hold this against you and make him bitter or resentful. You need to sort of decide what you think is more important and more a threat to what sounds like kind of a rocky beginning to your marriage. You can make him do what you want here as well, but if you drive him away from you in the process, is it worth the confrontation, or does this go even further in that you don't trust him to know where to draw the line once he's there?

Personally, my suggestion is this. Sit him down and thank him for all the steps he has made in separating himself from the friends that have had a bad influence on him and your marriage. Recognize the good steps he has made, always good to start with positive affirmation before digging in to the nitty gritty. Tell him you trust him, that you really want him to have a good time with his friends, but explain that him going to clubs really makes you uncomfortable. Tell him the decision to tag along with his mates is his, though obviously you wish he wouldn't, but if he must break his promise, that you trust him to do no more than drink and watch and that you know he respects and loves you enough not to get any lap dances or further. Next part is the hardest. Leave it at that. If he says you can trust him to stay within those boundaries, then do so. And when he comes back home, just tell him that you hope he had a good time with his mates and don't force him to answer questions about everything he did. He will respect you far more for trusting him than making him agree to a bunch of demands and promises and returning home an a sour mood expecting you to come down on him about everything he did.

You guys are early in your marriage, it's as good a time as any to start developing that trust in one another. I also agree with Brenda though, you should definitely start working building relationships with couple friends. Though it sounds like he is already trying very hard to change his core set of friends and how he acts with them. Even if you decide to let this time slide, however, if he wants to do it again, I definitely say you put your foot down at that point. If you decide to let him go, you might even want to tell him that this time. Let him know that even though you trust him and letting him go this time, let him know that you expect he has enough respect for you to say no to any future offers from friends to do similar activities.

One more thing, you mentioned you only have sex once every couple months or so even this early on in your marriage. Do you mind if I ask where/who that comes from? I could be completely wrong, but when you mentioned that it sort of felt a bit to me like you were worried about your love life with your husband, which I could see as certainly making him spending a weekend at vegas a bit more daunting for you.

PS> Any chance you can dig up a few girlfriends and go at the same time? If he knows you expect him back in your hotel room for wild sex by a certain time every night, maybe that would ease your mind?


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## monalisa (Apr 20, 2008)

Thank you all for your wisdom. It was extremely helpful. I am about to turn 37 and he is 35. The friends he's going with are two friends from school. One is single and one is married with children. It's not a bachelor party. The frustrating part of the relationship/marriage has been this constant battle with him and his friends. Most of his friends are single and looking. Their friendship or male bonding always revolved around going out. Drinking is always involved and they want to be where it's happening which probably equates to where the girls are. I can't believe I am dealing with something like this at this age. I am not used to being in a relationship with a guy that loves to go out so much. Now that he's married, he's holding back because he doesn't want to fight so he forces himself not to go out with his friends. I feel bad that he's stuck at home but at the same time, I feel that when you are married, you are entitled to certain restraints. Now, I came to a conclusion that some people are just different. I am used to dating guys more on BlueCreeks level. My ex bf never wanted to go to strip club and he thought it was demeaning and disgusting. It wasn't the kind of thing that turned him on. I now think that some people are just party people no matter what age. I have never felt the need to party. Yes, I went clubbing in college and had a fabulous time but I've been over it since I was 23. I don't drink and I try to live a healthy life, in everyway. I met my husband at 33 and to go through that at that age was truly mind boggling. I think i'm going off the topic. I'm just venting a little. I have been frustrated for a long time. 
Moving on to Bluecreek's question regarding sex, I think it's him. I have no idea what he's thinking but from my perspective, it's him. If I think back to the internal struggles I endured, I want to break down and cry. In fact, I can't help but to cry. I have been confused, lonely, frustrated. He's making an effort since our last fight. During our argument, I decided to put my heart out on my sleeve and just put it all out there. I told him the real problem in our marriage is the lack of intamacy and all these other problems we fight about, mostly his friends, those aren't the real issue. The real issue is lack of intimacy, that we don't have sex, not just that but that I just crave affection and touch and also it's weird that he has a hard time sleeping in the same bed. About 3-4 times a week, he leaves to the other room to sleep. In the beginning, I thought he's not used to sleeping with another person and that it will take some time. For me, I felt the same but I got used to it and I have no problem falling asleep but for him, it's still a problem. I feel paranoid that he'll leave the room every night. I feel rejected and lonely. Well, going back to the argument, I asked him if he's not attracted to me anymore. I asked him about sex and he said he can't. He made it seem like it's because we're fighting. It felt like an excuse. In the beginning of marriage, I caught him googling asian s*** and escort review. That was about a month or even less into living together. He is good about hiding stuff but that time, he neglected to erase the form. After that incident, I lost trust in him. Even at the time, we were having sex maybe once every 2 week and it quickly became 3 weeks, then 1 month, now we're at 2 months. I forsee us going 6 months even a year at this rate. It just feels weird and wrong. To give you a bit of a background on my husband. He is a very nice guy from midwest. He was a late bloomer. He was a nerd and girls weren't much interested in him as a bf growing up. He had his first sexual experience at 27 or 28 and after he moved out to California at 28, he partied heavily. He is pretty successful attorney and that may have helped him date more girls in Los Angeles. I talked about a few things in the beginning of the marriage to see where he was at in terms of porn and stuff like that. He said he thought it was kinda weird to do in a marriage so I took it as that but also in the beginning of the marriage, as soon as I would leave the house to run errands, he would watch porn that he hid and god knows what. Even now, despite the lack of sex, I know that he masturbates about 3-4 times a week. Anyways, that's the backdrop of the story. Now going back to the last argument, during the fight, he threatened to move out saying he's been thinking about this a long time. He can't take my temper and yelling at him. I was really struggling up to that time. I was looking into seeing a therapist so I can get some understanding to what I'm going through. But something clicked during our fight. I think I let go of him and my desires and what my expectation of relationship/marriage should be. I saw him as an individual. I appreciated him for all the effort he put in this relationship. I was caught up in feeling rejected and lonely and was beginning to feel bitter and resentful. But it started to go away, miraculously. I just tried to be realistic about things. I guess no one can have it all. There are some good qualities I am thankful for. I decided to treat him as a friend more so than a husband. BTW, he's never had a relationship in his life. The longest he ever dated was at 27 or 28 and it was for about 3-4 months. He says 6 months but I know it's not true. I find it very difficult to be in a relationship with my husband, lack of experience perhaps... I don't know but I gave up. That's why I decided that I should not put my foot down about this vegas trip. Bluecreek was right on the money about the sensitivity of this one since he did cut off contact with his friends for the last four months. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I felt depressed and during the last fight, I wanted to die. But after having hit the bottom, I soon came back up. Sorry for such a long story. I hope I wasn't jumping around too much. At this point, I'm just realistic. My husband's not an emotional person and he's not good at showing emotions so I decided to just accept him for the way he is. Yes, I will continue to feel lonely and unhappy because I'm not fulfilled but what can I do. He is who he is and I chose to put myself in this marriage....


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

In stead of arguing with your husband maybe it is time to find a constructive way to express you feelings without blaming or yelling at him. To a degree he is an individual and needs a fair amount of space. Communication when done right can solve most any issue, but I think your husband may feel bad about the lack of trust you seemk to have in him and it comes across in your post as you alread know he is going to drink and you know that he is going to go to strip clubs. How can you predict the future that well?

A good part of your marriage needs to be trust. If you can belief that he can, might or will do the right thing then no matter what he does your'll always assume the worst. If he is going to get blamed as if he did some crime then why not do it if you are already going to get punished for it?

Maybe the next time he thinks of going ask to go along atleast you'll see first hand how he is there and how the enviroment is.

Why do you have sex so little? You, him or both of you?

At any rate I really think you two can use better communication.

draconis


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## monalisa (Apr 20, 2008)

why so little sex? I don't know. I never initiate but I'm always ready. That's just me. Him? He doesn't initiate anymore. If he would be more open about it, it would solve some mystery. He's not open and he's not a communicator. I just go along with it. I have absolutely no clue whey there is so little sex. I thought maybe we can see a therapist together but it was clear that he didn't want to. He just wanted me to go on my own as if to wanting to prove that I'm wrong about things. Like he wanted someone to tell me that I am wrong for yelling and having a temper. It's very unfortunate. I don't think marriage should be this way but what can I do. It is what it is...


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

You are right marriage should not be that way at all.

Try it start the sex going. Sex is addictive the more you have the more you want. I know that from a guys stand point the more he is rejected and it might be for innocent reasons the less they want it for fear of the rejection. As time goes by the libido drops and you just want it less.

draconis


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## monalisa (Apr 20, 2008)

That's actually how I feel. I feel rejected because he doesn't initiate. I have never rejected him if he makes an advance. Now, my libido is going away. The scariest thing I notice is that the libido for him is going away. I think I still have libido directed at other things. When I felt that he didn't want to much anymore, I try not to give him any idea. I don't want to pressure him. It's really getting weird. Maybe that's why I've started to let go. I started seeing him as more of an individual/friend more than a mate. Maybe it's a good thing. That way I don't have any expectation and disappointments. Maybe no more fighting which is what he wants. He is a non confrontational person and just wants to cruise life without any fight. He just wants a peaceful life and talk in a calm manner if there's any disagreements. I, on the other hand, is a very emotional and passionate person. I think this way, we won't fight as much.


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## brenda (Jun 27, 2008)

I am going to break my reply into three sections:

His Friends
I don't think that it's right for you to pressure him to give up his friends, he'll resent you in the end, in fact that could be why he has been drifting from you. Since he hasn't been around his friends the past four months what has he been doing? Everyone needs some time for themself, if he's not getting that, he'll eventually blame you for this, and it'll cause issues. Try visiting his friends during the day time once in a while, people drink less during the day, and clubs aren't as interesting in the daytime. Expecting that he would magically change his social habits the day you got married, was just fairy tale thinking, people usually don't change very much between committed dating and marriage, you knew who you were marrying.

Trust
I have to agree with Dranconis. You need to trust him, and he needs to feel that you trust him. You can state your feelings, and hope he takes them into consideration, but if you treat him like a child and tell him "No" about hanging with friends, because your afraid of what MIGHT happen, or giving him 20 questions when he gets home, then you aren't showing him that you trust him to do the right thing. I'm not saying that it's ok for him to do things that you find disrespectful (like going to strippers) I'm saying that if he is hanging with the guys and they are just having drinks and maybe hitting a bar later, you need to trust that he's not flirting with chicks and that he knows he's coming home to you. Why don't you try going out with him a few nights with his buddies? Maybe it'll ease your mind, and maybe your husband would like spending some time out with you.

Sex
You need to start trusting him, and allowing him to be himself (having a life outside of marriage ie:friends) and this will help him to be a happier healthier person, and he'll probably be more in the mood. Do you do anything for yourself? You should still have your own life outside of marriage also, this will help you feel happier and healthier as well. You need a good balance between you time, his time, and us time. If your balance is off, then it could be what's effecting your sex life. You should be initiating also. You want, then go after it. Suduce him, he just might love it. Buy something silk and shiney. Fill your room with candles, wine, and a naked you waiting for him one night .... use your imigination!!


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## monalisa (Apr 20, 2008)

Thanks Brenda for the breakdown. Yes, you are completely right about the them but it took 3.5 years to get to this point. Again, yes, you are absolutely right about the fact that it's not right to pressure him into cutting ties with his friends. Actually, for the first year of dating, he was out all the time with his friends going clubbing and I encouraged it. I was naive. I thought it was the same as when I when to clubs in college. I only went to dance and be with my girlfriends. I didn't know much about the nightlife but as time went by I realized it wasn't as innocent as when I was going. And I also was being understanding of his situation. He's a late bloomer and moved out to L.A late in life and it was like a kid in a candy store here. But during that time, I drifted away and fell in love with another person. I could never connect with him because that wasn't where I was in my life. I tried to break up with him but he was just too nice. I tried to make him break up with me but it didn't happen. To make the long story short, he fought and won me over at about a year and from that point on, things changed. He felt that it's only right to go to clubs together. There were improvements here and there so I thought he would change once married. And you're right Brenda. People don't change much. Looking back at our history, my memories are mostly of us going to bar/club with his friends. I don't drink so I would stand there with water all night. If we had met for dinner and then met up with them later, that's a different story. It felt like we only went out to eat if his friends were. Basically, I felt like my life revolved around his friends. It was worse right after marriage. He made such an effort to see them all the time. I was with him on most of those outings but it got to be too much. I wasn't settled in in the marriage or our new place but I felt like my life was revolving around his friends schedule all the time. I try to always please him so I would begrudgingly go out with him but resenting it the whole time and I would blow up on the average once a month and we would fight. I really extended myself to his friends and his friends love me but it was during those times I went out with him that I noticed that all they do is go drinking and scam on girls. If it's a gathering for something more productive, I wouldn't have such a problem. The last almost 4 years, I felt second best to his friends. I always made excuses like, because he never had a relationship, because he came from all boys family, he doesn't understand and doesn't feel comfortable in an intimate relationship. I think he really doesn't know how to carry on an intimate relationship. Do you know what the last straw was and why he hasn't gone out with his friends? We all went bowling and then to a hotel bar for drinks. There is one friend of his that I really feel sorry for. He has no life, no job, no girlfriend, etc. I always felt that there was a twinge of jealousy about us. They used to go out together alot and somewhere deep down I think he felt that my husband will always be single. He sees himself as being alike, short, average in looks, etc., although I don't see my husband that way. He would always make comment like how did you get her and what was it about him blah blah blah. It started out well but I noticed little by little that he got bitter and spiteful of what my husband had. He had the worst luck with job in the last year, so no job, no girl and just getting old...So after bowling, we go to the hotel bar to chill and he starts talking in a way to provoke us to fight. 
He gets a little boost from alcohol and just leashes out at us. The subject of the conversation was how men don't want to marry/commit. I turn to my husband and asked in a playful way, did you have doubts before marriage? and he replied no, not at all. And then his friend, the loser one, jumps up out of his chair being very dramatic and says you are the biggest liar, you had this much doubt and stretches his arms wide. He also said to my husband, "you're fat" and turned to ask me in a sarcastic tone, "Do you care about your husband's health? (FYI, my husband is NOT fat, he's too skinny but he has a bit of jowl) That's not the only thing, he kept trying to push my button. I've been nothing but nice to him and everyone knows that. After the mood got ugly, we all left and on the way home, we fought. It really hurt me because I always felt like I was second best and that's a very difficult thing to take and I felt like what his friend said was true. Of course, he denied it and later just admitted to asking him prior to marriage, do you think I'm doing the right thing and he said yeah, she's a terrific girl...I just didn't think how a friend will say something like that in front of everyone. I had tremendous cold feet and I talked to my best friend about it and there is no way in hell that my best friend will blurt out something I said to her in confidence. My husband is extremely loyal to friends but I don't see them being the same to him and he doesn't see it. The story doesn't end there but I'll stop here. Basically, what I'm trying to say is I'm a very reasonable and understanding person. But honestly, I feel empty, my gas tank is empty. I have no patience or the tolerance to deal with their immaturity and I absolutely have no desire to ever let my life revolve around them ever again. I think almost 4 years of that is enough. And that's why I don't feel much connection with him. It seems like I dated his friends along with him. I have gone out many many times w/ them and came to the conclusion that they are immature and never grew up. They are 35 but act/think like 20. There was a time when I wished that he would make new friends who would be a positive influence. Now, I gave up. All he wants is his friends and seem like he's not open at all to meeting new people. As time went by, I started to lose respect for him. You are a direct reflection of your friends. You choose who you are the closest and similar to and that's what got me to lose more trust little by little. I'm now at a point where I gave up. Looks out things/people don't change and it'll just kill me to try to change things. As for me, I have a best friend I talk to everyday, sometimes several times a day. I think I lean on her more and more. I have a very tight friendships that go back to childhood and college. My best friend will do anything for me and people tell me that they can feel my friends' love and loyalty to me. I'm very blessed that way but the way I see it is. I'm true to self/others and my friendships were built out of respect/trust. I never had party friends or going out friends. For my husband, different story. 

As far as trust goes, yes, I need to just trust him. It's a very strange territory to be in. I have never had a trust issue. I believed everything my ex stood for and said. If he told me the sky was yellow, I would believe him. I just don't know why I can't trust him fully. I think sometimes I doubt his character after hanging out with his friends...There were couple of things he lied to me about. I'm not a drug user of any kind. never have and never will. never have even seen it. I asked him if he has because he told me his friends did. He said he tried once in college and that was it. I believed him. From time to time, I would want to test him so I pretended I want to try and he wouldn't go for it and appeared to be uncomfortable with the idea. So in my mind, I'm trying to confirm and build the trust in him through testing. That's what smart girls do..test...But one night, I said I want to try, jokingly and he suddenly gets up, goes to the other room, I hear lots of digging noises like he's looking for something and he brings a bag of pot he hid. When I asked where he got it, he said it's old, a year old or something and he named one of his friend that he doesn't hang out with anymore because his other friend who is his roomate hit on me several times. So there, he lied to me. I am a very honest person and I don't agree with lying here and there to make yourself look better. You need to show who you are and be who you are. Those little white lies count too. Little things like including the internet incidents contributed to my losing trust in him. It was him, not me. I wish I can trust him with all my heart but something always stops me.

As for sex, yes the idea is great but now it's starting to get very awkward. Hopefully, we can turn this around one day. I think the lack of sex is also another factor leading to doubt many things. I started to feel insecure that if he's not having sex with me but is still masturbating on a regular basis, then he must have sex drive. It must be just me that he's tired of and when/if he has an opportunity, he might take it...that sort of thoughts which are not healthy. I think with a little more work, I'll make myself trust him with blind faith until he breaks it. I'm fighting demons in my head right now.


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## brenda (Jun 27, 2008)

It doesn't sound like you were happy with his maturity level before you got married. Have you told him how you feel about his lifestlye? have you told him what your goals in life are, and how you would like to live your life? These are important topics to discuss, usually before you get married. If you want to spend your weekends gardening with your husband, going to the movies together and spending quiet nights together with a bottle of wine, and he wants to hang with his buddies, get drunk and let loose, your going to have to decide where your middle ground is, and if you can't seem to find one, maybe you should discuss your problems with a professional. I truly do think that most of the sex problem is steming from him not feeling trusted, or happy in his life, and you not feeling important or heard.


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## monalisa (Apr 20, 2008)

Yes, I was definitely not content with his maturity level. I've talked about it and I told him that I need for him to be more mature and he said yes to that but it's taking time. He knows what I don't like and I think he's miserable trying to be that. He says he's okay with it or getting okay with it but when we have our arguments, he screams "I have nothing". I think to him, his friends, lifestyle is very important. Now that he doesn't hang out with his friends, he says he has nothing. What kind of thing is that to say to your wife? He says I just go to work, come home. nothing. What about me? I go to work, come home. At least he has nothing. For me, I feel like all I have is chores. He doesn't help much, btw. He doesn't realize what he could have gained with me and that building a family bond is the most important. Gardening, movies, drinking wine, no such thing in our lives. We stay in different rooms, watch different shows, run errands separately...We've gone on two weekend trips and a vacation to maui over the last year. That's pretty much how it is. He doesn't understand that spending time or quality time is much more than vacations together. Middle ground? Yes, that's something to think about and we probably tried to achieve that in the past. He asked me if he can go out with just the guys separately once a month. I said fine but we ended up fighting afterwards...I have to give him some credit. He did say, I'll just go to the movies on sunday or golf. I'm all for that but hasn't happened yet. Well, twice. He went to the movies once and golf once. I'm sure from his perspective, he's very frustrated too and miserable. He was only happy and full of life, acted more sweet, helped with chores only if he foresaw going out w/ his friends in the future. Of course, he may disagree like always, but that's truly how I felt. I'm sure you're right about the sex part too. He's not happy and I'm not happy. I think we should see a marriage counselor but I don't think he's up for the idea. He thinks he's right. I think I'm right. What's the point in going by myself?


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## brenda (Jun 27, 2008)

If he thinks he right, then he wouldn't have a problem going to talk to someone, it would only confirm that he's right ........ unless he knows that you have a point in what your saying and doesn't want to acknowledge it??? I think that you need to force the idea of taking to a counselor. You wont ever change him, and he wont ever change you, but with help from someone who knows how to deal with these things you might be able to find that middle ground, and start healing yourselves and your relationship. Sometimes I think that situstions get blown out of control because we're too close to the problem, an outside perspective always helps


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## monalisa (Apr 20, 2008)

You are good Brenda. During our argument, one of the topic was that I didn't trust him fully and gave him the reasons why and I told him that I need to talk to a professional because I've been depressed for a long time. And to my surprise he said, if I talk to a therapist, guess what the therapist will say. And I didn't respond to his question since I didn't know where he was going with it. Then he goes, the therapist will say you are right you have every right to feel mistrust...That was a shocker because when we fight, he plays word games to always win the argument but that time, he admitted that the therapist will agree that I shouldn't trust him. Wasn't that weird or what? I'm pretty much prepared for anything. It really bothers me that he is going and I don't trust that he will be firm and strong once he is there but whatever is meant to happen will happen. I realize I can't stop anyone from doing what they want to do. Sometimes I think I'm more in a vulnerable state than he is. The worse thing that can happen is go to strip club and get lap dances, go to a club and hit on a girl. That's pretty bad in a marriage if that happens but now I'm looking at it from a different angle. He might put himself in places like that but the people that he meets aren't the type of people he will fall in love with and bond emotionally with. Although I don't put myself in places like that, I think the chances of me going outside the marriage for emotional needs is bigger on my part. I may meet new friends I can talk to and bond with through work, activities, church, etc....who knows. So in all honesty, who knows which is more risky. There are plenty of people out there that don't go to bars/clubs/strip clubs but they are cheating on their spouse. So I guess it doesn't matter sometimes. The places that I think would be the most tempting may prove to be the less tempting. He did say one time that he would rather lick a public toilet seat than to have physical/intimate contact with a stripper. I asked him the other day if he can go back to being single, would he try to sleep with more people. He said no and that he wouldn't because he realized that was meaningless. I don't know if he's just trying to sugar coat things to put my mind at ease since his trip to vegas is this weekend but that's what he said so I should give him some credit. I asked him that because sometimes I feel like I wish I can go back in time and do it over differently...even with a different person...But he said he doesn't feel that way and that he got it right the first time by marrying me...This weekend will not be a relaxing one for me. That's for sure. Eventually, maybe I'll try to ease him into going to therapy...At this point, I have given up and am just trying to live my life and take care of myself...


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Keep in mind as you age you tend to gain perspective. Being in a relationship for a good amount of time means you know how to sexually please your partner better and they you. You run fewer risks of vd and do not have to deal with condoms etc. You can predict sex in a solid marriage too.

Being single isn't as appealing when you have had a good long term relationship.

draconis


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## monalisa (Apr 20, 2008)

Yes, draconis. I know. I told my husband that the best sex is when there is emotional connection. I don't believe in casual sex. They are all pretty much out of drunkeness anyways...I think sometimes, I wish to go back to do it all over again but I know that if I'm able to go back, I would still walk the same path I always have. I think I said it that out of frustration about lack of sex in my life now. Just thinking that this is my life until I die was a very depressing thought. That's why sometimes I get into those dark side of thinking, just what ifs...Let my mind fantasize and wonder...


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Since alcohol is an issue have you ever mentioned AA?

draconis


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## monalisa (Apr 20, 2008)

No, he's not an alcoholic. He's a social drinker. His idea of fun is going out to club and of course he'll drink a few drinks. It's not to the point where I need to suggest AA. I just have a problem with the fact that his idea of having fun involves going out to drink to club..I wouldn't have a problem so much if he's drinking once in a while at a sports bar or something.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

How often does he go out?

How often when he goes out with his buddies does he drink?

Is the drinking an issue for you, Is it you are left at the house, Or is it because many women are where he is?

draconis


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