# Being physically affectionate - erection



## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

My wife is not physically affectionate. We had a talk about how I would like to be more affectionate in bed, watching tv etc and she agreed she would try. The problem is that when I am affectionate I get an erection. I can't help it. I just do. My wife takes this that I want sex and so I think she'd rather not be physically affectionate partly because of this, partly because she's just not affectionate by nature.

I told her I don't need sex during non-sex times (she says she can handle twice/week). Is this normal? I just ignore it and continue being affectionate but it's awkward in a sense. What should I do?


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

Take it twice a week. 
Hell, that's 104 more times a year than I get it.


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## BurningHeart (Dec 30, 2012)

There's nothing wrong with that, I'm 50 and it still happens to me. My wife feels flattered and has learned it doesn't automatically mean I want something. I told her the day it stops happening, then something is very wrong, because she is quite attractive and I love her.


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## seattle_stranger (Nov 4, 2014)

BurningHeart said:


> There's nothing wrong with that, I'm 50 and it still happens to me. My wife feels flattered and has learned it doesn't automatically mean I want something. I told her the day it stops happening, then something is very wrong, because she is quite attractive and I love her.


This! Explain to her that it's an undeniable, uncontrollable sign of your affection and attraction to her and does not mean you need to be sexually satisfied. It sounds like she doesn't understand how a man's body works and has preconceived notions about it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

One of the reasons I love being a woman. Our "tells" are very subtle. I would hate to have to deal with a boner every time I felt turned on.


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## bubba29 (Feb 29, 2012)

in many ways, my penis and my brain are not connected. i can control orgasms but i cannot control my erections. i suspect you are similar. i'd suggest you just tell your wife to listen to what comes out of your mouth, not what goes on below your belt.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

bravo29 said:


> Is this normal?


Perfectly normal and doesn't necessarily indicate sexual arousal. 

--No more so than erect nipples when your wife steps out of the shower in the winter.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

"Do you want to spoon?"

"Do you mind an awkward erection in your back?"

No

Ok then,


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## claireont (Feb 10, 2015)

Its too bad that your wife is like that. Its a perfectly natural reaction. 
Does it really bother her, or is it more of a nuisance as perhaps she thinks you want intercourse more than she is used to/willing to? 
Do you masturbate often? Does this help? It might at least help you. LOL. 
Claire


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> One of the reasons I love being a woman. Our "tells" are very subtle. I would hate to have to deal with a boner every time I felt turned on.


My wife also hates to deal with a boner every time I get turned on. EERIE!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I almost never get hard from hugging or spooning. Seems a bit weird to me. I pretty much only get an erection when I'm about to have sex. Is this a self control problem?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

what's an erection?

:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

BurningHeart said:


> There's nothing wrong with that, I'm 50 and it still happens to me. My wife feels flattered and has learned it doesn't automatically mean I want something. I told her the day it stops happening, then something is very wrong, because she is quite attractive and I love her.


Very true, I feel better now.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> One of the reasons I love being a woman. Our "tells" are very subtle. I would hate to have to deal with a boner every time I felt turned on.


Imagine you're an elementary school kid and you're called to come to the blackboard. Now that is something to hate about.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

ocotillo said:


> --No more so than erect nipples when your wife steps out of the shower in the winter.


Great comparison!


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I almost never get hard from hugging or spooning. Seems a bit weird to me. I pretty much only get an erection when I'm about to have sex. Is this a self control problem?


Maybe there is some kind of exercise I can do to help? Like pelvic exercises?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> One of the reasons I love being a woman. Our "tells" are very subtle. I would hate to have to deal with a boner every time I felt turned on.


Ugh. It's the worst.

Until it's not!

:smthumbup:


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## notsocool (Jul 4, 2010)

bravo29 said:


> My wife is not physically affectionate. We had a talk about how I would like to be more affectionate in bed, watching tv etc and she agreed she would try. The problem is that when I am affectionate I get an erection. I can't help it. I just do. My wife takes this that I want sex and so I think she'd rather not be physically affectionate partly because of this, partly because she's just not affectionate by nature.
> 
> I told her I don't need sex during non-sex times (she says she can handle twice/week). Is this normal? I just ignore it and continue being affectionate but it's awkward in a sense. What should I do?


I don't think you should 'do' anything, apart from explaining to your wife it is a normal male response. My husband gets at least semi hard during a kiss and cuddle and will get fully hard if the affection goes on a bit longer. I think it's completely normal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I often, and in the past just about always, get a boner with non-sexual affection and even just kissing (deep, prolonged kissing is just about a guarantee). I discovered that I'll sometimes pop wood from just feeling very emotionally connected or vulnerable, with no real conscious need for sex.

My wife loves it. There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, strange or weird about that. I think the problem is your wife and her ignorant reaction. I'd be hurt and pissed if my wife acted like yours.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I am a woman. I rather like it when SO gets a boner around me . I think I would be more troubled if that ever STOPPED!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

seattle_stranger said:


> Explain to her that it's an undeniable, uncontrollable sign of your affection and attraction to her and does not mean you need to be sexually satisfied. It sounds like she doesn't understand how a man's body works and has preconceived notions about it.


I find many women take it the wrong way, too. A little bit of knowledge of the male body goes a long way.

It's interesting, because a good friend of mine is a massage therapist (she's female). Part of the education in entering this profession teaches the students that physical touch can and will result in apparent sexual stimulation, but that 9 times out of 10 (or something high like that) it has nothing to do with sex, per se.

This is just how we men are built. We get erections from time to time even when we're not looking for sex.

Most of us wake up in the morning that way! And most of us will tell you (as will our wives) that our "morning wood" is generally harder and bigger than it tends to be at other times.

For me personally, I am NOT a morning sex guy, so despite the massive (and hard) erection, I can't be bothered.

So, erection does not always = sexual excitement, ladies.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

A guy getting a hardon when cuddling his wife (or GF!) is quite normal!
I can remember getting hard just getting getting into the same bed!
I can also remember my wife whinging (sex maniac...sex on the mind..etc) about me having a hardon and always wanting sex. 

Now...well...its reassuring to wake up in the middle of the night with a hardon because it means it still works. Phew!


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

On the opposite end of your problem, my husband rarely/never gets a hard on from spooning, hugging, flirting, being naked, etc. And it bothers me.

You're perfectly normal. Nothing to feel awkward about or be ashamed of. I'd be delighted if my husband's attraction for me was that obvious. Enjoy it, and tell your wife to relax. Let her know it's a good thing that you are still very much physically attracted to her. Compliments are always a good thing. It doesn't have to be sexual.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> One of the reasons I love being a woman. Our "tells" are very subtle. I would hate to have to deal with a boner every time I felt turned on.


:iagree:

Amen! I wouldn't be able to go out in public, and I'm pretty sure my husband would run screaming for the hills. :lol:


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My ex-husband told me that every erection wasn't a request for sex. But then he initiated sex with kissing and cuddling. So, basically, I was left to guess whether he just wanted to cuddle or if he wanted sex. If I guessed wrong, I was in trouble. Apparently, I should have just known which he wanted.  Playing "read my mind" is a pretty poor way to communicate with a partner, or to get your needs met, and it sets both sides up for confusion and resentment.

So, OP, is it possible that your wife has a hard time distinguishing between an erection that just happens because you're cuddling and an erection that happens because you want sex? If your sexual initiation looks a lot like your "just cuddling", then she may not be able to tell which is which, so she feels pressured for sex - or at least to guess your intentions - when you get an erection.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

My freshman year in college I found myself forced to pee up against the palm of my hand in the sink. Those dictatorial erections are embarrassing at the time but women should appreciate natural forces.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Rowan said:


> My ex-husband told me that every erection wasn't a request for sex. But then he initiated sex with kissing and cuddling. So, basically, I was left to guess whether he just wanted to cuddle or if he wanted sex. If I guessed wrong, I was in trouble. Apparently, I should have just known which he wanted.  Playing "read my mind" is a pretty poor way to communicate with a partner, or to get your needs met, and it sets both sides up for confusion and resentment.
> 
> So, OP, is it possible that your wife has a hard time distinguishing between an erection that just happens because you're cuddling and an erection that happens because you want sex? If your sexual initiation looks a lot like your "just cuddling", then she may not be able to tell which is which, so she feels pressured for sex - or at least to guess your intentions - when you get an erection.


Why not default to sex and let him tell you that's not what he wants? :FIREdevil:


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

TheCuriousWife said:


> On the opposite end of your problem, my husband rarely/never gets a hard on from spooning, hugging, flirting, being naked, etc. And it bothers me.
> 
> You're perfectly normal. Nothing to feel awkward about or be ashamed of. I'd be delighted if my husband's attraction for me was that obvious. Enjoy it, and tell your wife to relax. Let her know it's a good thing that you are still very much physically attracted to her. Compliments are always a good thing. It doesn't have to be sexual.


My wife mentioned the other day that she sees when I get erect from spooning that it is ego boost, I still desire her after all these years...


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Rowan said:


> My ex-husband told me that every erection wasn't a request for sex. But then he initiated sex with kissing and cuddling. So, basically, I was left to guess whether he just wanted to cuddle or if he wanted sex. If I guessed wrong, I was in trouble. Apparently, I should have just known which he wanted.  Playing "read my mind" is a pretty poor way to communicate with a partner, or to get your needs met, and it sets both sides up for confusion and resentment.
> 
> So, OP, is it possible that your wife has a hard time distinguishing between an erection that just happens because you're cuddling and an erection that happens because you want sex? If your sexual initiation looks a lot like your "just cuddling", then she may not be able to tell which is which, so she feels pressured for sex - or at least to guess your intentions - when you get an erection.


:iagree: That's a great point to consider. 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with your body's natural response, but you do need to communicate with your wife. 

My husband gets erections often just from cuddling, kissing, etc. and I love it, basically take it as a "compliment". I know my husband is physically attracted to me and wants me, nothing bad about that.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Why not default to sex and let him tell you that's not what he wants? :FIREdevil:


There was a pretty good chance I would be turned down, angrily, if I assumed he was initiating sex. Of course, he was also prone to "cuddling" when it just really wasn't a good time and/or sex was impossible at the moment, then getting angry if I 'turned him down'. 

Mad passive-aggressive skillz on that one.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Rowan said:


> So, OP, is it possible that your wife has a hard time distinguishing between an erection that just happens because you're cuddling and an erection that happens because you want sex? If your sexual initiation looks a lot like your "just cuddling", then she may not be able to tell which is which, so she feels pressured for sex - or at least to guess your intentions - when you get an erection.


For me cuddling will generally result in an erection. If I get an erection sex is at least in my mind and a possibility. I don't HAVE to have sex but if you are up for it grab the handle. 

W: "You are ALWAYS ready for sex!!"
Me: "Pretty much, if not wait a few minutes and try again"


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

bravo29 said:


> My wife is not physically affectionate. We had a talk about how I would like to be more affectionate in bed, watching tv etc and she agreed she would try. The problem is that when I am affectionate I get an erection. I can't help it. I just do. My wife takes this that I want sex and so I think she'd rather not be physically affectionate partly because of this, partly because she's just not affectionate by nature.
> 
> I told her I don't need sex during non-sex times (she says she can handle twice/week). Is this normal? I just ignore it and continue being affectionate but it's awkward in a sense. What should I do?


Wear baggy clothes and sport your boner upward toward your belly button and tie it down with a belt. If she still notices, well then, you've got one massive tool to be proud of!


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

My gf knows it is a sign that I am responding to her. It doesn’t have to lead to sex…but if it does…Great!

To the ladies who would feel self-conscious about it if it happened to them:
There is nothing that quite says ‘male’ like an erection. The body change is astonishing and a male who is reasonably in tune with his body can feel the endorphin/hormone balance shift as the body primes itself.
It truly is a transformative experience.

Plus it gives you an extra place to hang your towel!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

anonmd said:


> For me cuddling will generally result in an erection. If I get an erection sex is at least in my mind and a possibility. I don't HAVE to have sex but if you are up for it grab the handle.
> 
> W: "You are ALWAYS ready for sex!!"
> Me: "Pretty much, if not wait a few minutes and try again"


A joke I heard a while back...

A new bride was a little confused about what to do with her husband's constant erection.

Don't worry about it," advised her husband. "When you want to make love, tug on it three times. When you don't want to, tug on it 300 times."


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Rowan said:


> There was a pretty good chance I would be turned down, angrily, if I assumed he was initiating sex. Of course, he was also prone to "cuddling" when it just really wasn't a good time and/or sex was impossible at the moment, then getting angry if I 'turned him down'.
> 
> Mad passive-aggressive skillz on that one.



Good grief. You're a saint to put up with that nonsense.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Good grief. You're a saint to put up with that nonsense.


I'm not a saint, I'm a _divorcee_.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

Rowan said:


> So, OP, is it possible that your wife has a hard time distinguishing between an erection that just happens because you're cuddling and an erection that happens because you want sex? If your sexual initiation looks a lot like your "just cuddling", then she may not be able to tell which is which, so she feels pressured for sex - or at least to guess your intentions - when you get an erection.


I think this is it, great observation! At this point in time sex is scheduled in advance. I will request sex later that night and she will reply ok or say tomorrow would be better.

However, now that I am being more physically affectionate, which results in an erection, I believe she takes that to mean I want sex even though I am not pressuring her for sex. Last night this happened again. The thing is I really do want sex, and it took every ounce of strength to not go further because I know this is just to be affectionate, that's all. She offered sex the following day which is great. But it took a lot of self control on my part to hold off.

Considering what you wrote I guess in case I can't maintain self-control I should masturbate rather than cause more confusion. In an HD/LD dynamic that's my only option I suppose.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Your last post makes things more clear. And although I am a woman, I do know what it's like for my spouse to pull away when he thinks I am aroused and/or fishing for something.

Yesterday I got busy and took my shower later in the day than I normally do, so when he got home from work my hair was still wet. As SOON as he walked in the door he was visibly uncomfortable. After a couple minutes of him watching me, sheepishly he asked, "uh. Are you really planning on us having sex?" "No, why?" "Well if you want something you usually are freshly showered when I get home." 


He was beginning to panic because we had sex the day before, and having sex again is a definite no go. You could see the wheels turning as he was trying to figure out a way to get out of it without obviously rejecting me because he knows I'll snap on him. Sigh. I haven't asked for sex in less than 48 hours in a long time, I remember why.

He also will not let me touch any intimate areas or see him naked. Heaven forbid his wife gets horny and asks for sex outside of our scheduled times. :banghead:


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

I think you need to not pretend you don't want sex. Maybe make it clear that whatever schedule you two have agreed to is OK and the boner that doesn't go anywhere is also OK with you because you have agreed to a schedule and the physical contact is good. But trying to tell her you don't have any interest in sex when you really do seems bad to me - she can tell.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Your last post makes things more clear. And although I am a woman, I do know what it's like for my spouse to pull away when he thinks I am aroused and/or fishing for something.
> 
> Yesterday I got busy and took my shower later in the day than I normally do, so when he got home from work my hair was still wet. As SOON as he walked in the door he was visibly uncomfortable. After a couple minutes of him watching me, sheepishly he asked, "uh. Are you really planning on us having sex?" "No, why?" "Well if you want something you usually are freshly showered when I get home."
> 
> ...


You'll get there someday. I just don't think it's the "there" you're hoping for.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

I Don't Know said:


> You'll get there someday. I just don't think it's the "there" you're hoping for.


There are good days and bad days. Unfortunately today is definitely a bad one. 

Don't mind me, I'm just sour because today husband is refusing to do to the doctor again unless I agree to having a baby. Heck no. He refuses to work on any more issues until I promise him a child, and I absolutely refuse to even consider a child until all our issues are fixed. I told him he better expect to be waiting for all of eternity then. Seems we are in a stalemate.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

TheCuriousWife said:


> There are good days and bad days. Unfortunately today is definitely a bad one.
> 
> Don't mind me, I'm just sour because today husband is refusing to do to the doctor again unless I agree to having a baby. Heck no. He refuses to work on any more issues until I promise him a child, and I absolutely refuse to even consider a child until all our issues are fixed. I told him he better expect to be waiting for all of eternity then. Seems we are in a stalemate.


I hear ya, CW. The problem with good days is they give you hope. I know that sounds bad but it's just how I see it at this point. It's like a job that pays just well enough that quitting would be risky. 

Don't cave on the baby issue!!!


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

I Don't Know said:


> I hear ya, CW. The problem with good days is they give you hope. I know that sounds bad but it's just how I see it at this point. It's like a job that pays just well enough that quitting would be risky.
> 
> Don't cave on the baby issue!!!


:iagree:

Don't worry, I never cave. I'm ****ed, locked, and ready to rock.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

anonmd said:


> I think you need to not pretend you don't want sex. Maybe make it clear that whatever schedule you two have agreed to is OK and the boner that doesn't go anywhere is also OK with you because you have agreed to a schedule and the physical contact is good. But trying to tell her you don't have any interest in sex when you really do seems bad to me - she can tell.


That makes sense. I'll see how it goes...


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

TheCuriousWife said:


> He also will not let me touch any intimate areas or see him naked. Heaven forbid his wife gets horny and asks for sex outside of our scheduled times. :banghead:


Wow, that's like the complete opposite from my situation. A few weeks ago she got angry when I walked in on her changing. It's ok this week for some reason.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

anonmd said:


> I think you need to not pretend you don't want sex. Maybe make it clear that whatever schedule you two have agreed to is OK and the boner that doesn't go anywhere is also OK with you because you have agreed to a schedule and the physical contact is good. But trying to tell her you don't have any interest in sex when you really do seems bad to me - she can tell.


I somewhat disagree. Doing just that has done wonders for my love life (well, so far, anyway).

Although I've never been one to hound my wife for sex, I DID make it obvious and clear what I was looking for when I was.

In the last couple of months, I've approached it much differently, and things seem to be going well. I've been letting it slide when I'm in the mood, and she obviously isn't, for one. Kind of a no-brainer, anyway.

But, and this may seem passive-aggressive to some, I've also held back the odd time when I know she'd be receptive and perhaps even expecting something to happen. Like the times when we've cuddled in bed before going to sleep, usually it'd lead to something (initiated by me, of course). Instead, I cuddle, spoon, whatever, and don't make the move she's expecting (even if I know she's receptive).

The trick is to be fine with the outcome no matter what. And increasingly, it's starting to lead to her making some subtle moves on me, and even some not-so-subtle ones a couple of times. A drastic change from how things have gone the last few years.

I had a hard time doing this at the start, feeling that I was playing games with her, but I've since realized I'm not - I'm simply adapting to her style, and this has increased her interest somewhat.

On some levels, it's playing hard-to-get, but it's generally successful, especially when you go from a husband you KNOW is ready to go at all times to one who is fine to just be cool with whatever happens (or doesn't happen). Takes a lot of the pressure off of her, and also keeps her on her toes.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

bravo29 said:


> My wife is not physically affectionate. We had a talk about how I would like to be more affectionate in bed, watching tv etc and she agreed she would try. The problem is that when I am affectionate I get an erection. I can't help it. I just do. My wife takes this that I want sex and so I think she'd rather not be physically affectionate partly because of this, partly because she's just not affectionate by nature.
> 
> I told her I don't need sex during non-sex times (she says she can handle twice/week). Is this normal? I just ignore it and continue being affectionate but it's awkward in a sense. What should I do?


It's very normal for some men. And I'd be flattered if I were your wife.

I have dated men before who doesn't seem to get an erection at all. Not even morning sex! And I've dated others who it was like SCHWING!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> "Do you want to spoon?"
> 
> "Do you mind an awkward erection in your back?"
> 
> ...


:rofl:



happy as a clam said:


> I am a woman. I rather like it when SO gets a boner around me . I think I would be more troubled if that ever STOPPED!


Exactly!



TheCuriousWife said:


> On the opposite end of your problem, my husband rarely/never gets a hard on from spooning, hugging, flirting, being naked, etc. And it bothers me.


I have dated this guy before. Didn't even want me touching his stick as we were laying on couch together. Only wanted my hands near his junk for sex time. WEIRD. And not fun.



Rowan said:


> I'm not a saint, I'm a _divorcee_.


:rofl: :smthumbup:


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> I have dated this guy before. Didn't even want me touching his stick as we were laying on couch together. Only wanted my hands near his junk for sex time. WEIRD. And not fun.


Might have been insecure about his size in its flaccid state. Only wanted you touching it when he was aroused and bigger.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I'm a weirdo or a power freak, all good.

I love to feel his erection or know he has one at any old time. I especially love it when we are unable to have sex, maybe kids are around or we are out at a restaurant and talking about our sex life. I smile when he has to rearrange himself under the table or he tells me he has a raging hard on


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

alexm said:


> But, and this may seem passive-aggressive to some, I've also held back the odd time when I know she'd be receptive and perhaps even expecting something to happen. Like the times when we've cuddled in bed before going to sleep, usually it'd lead to something (initiated by me, of course). Instead, I cuddle, spoon, whatever, and don't make the move she's expecting (even if I know she's receptive).
> 
> The trick is to be fine with the outcome no matter what. And increasingly, it's starting to lead to her making some subtle moves on me, and even some not-so-subtle ones a couple of times. A drastic change from how things have gone the last few years.
> 
> ...


One benefit of this approach is to learn how your partner initiates. Many women have difficulties (particularly in the beginning) being very overt in sexual initiation. Culture, upbringing, experience, what ever, results in some women not coming on strong.

But that does not mean they do not initiate. Very often they will, but it ways that are much more subtle. Playing footsie, grabbing a knee, twirling her hair, running her hands through your air - the list is endless. The point is that by observing, you can figure out when she is initiating in her way. In my personal experience, once I figured it out, I was surprised how often she was initiating.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Holland said:


> I'm a weirdo or a power freak, all good.
> 
> I love to feel his erection or know he has one at any old time. I especially love it when we are unable to have sex, maybe kids are around or we are out at a restaurant and talking about our sex life. I smile when he has to rearrange himself under the table or he tells me he has a raging hard on


I call this non-sexual sexual interaction. By that I mean it is very sexual, but no sex is possible. Keeping this ramped up has really improved my sex life. Things like hugging her from behind, rubbing against, and whispering in her ear how sexy she is, then heading out the door to work. Communicating how sexy she is without sex being the immediate goal is something my wife just loves.


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