# I am furious!



## Hoosier

So this morning I arise early and go to the living room to get my wife up from the couch (where she has been sleeping last 2 years) to come up stairs to cuddle.. (I have been attempting to be more loving, so have been getting her up in morning and having her come to bed with me for a while...sometimes sex, sometimes not, but having her lay with me for awhile) as I attempted to find out if she was available, she says to me, "Oh, please dont MAKE me have sex this morning my legs are so sore!"........ MAKE! this is the woman who went from turning me down constantly for 28 years, to now has sex pretty much if I ask, but lets me know it is like doing the dishes for her, a crappy chore she does to get it over with. This is the woman who last time we had sex, when asked if she would consider oral said, "Go take a shower and I will" I then got up took a great shower, came back to bed and she refused. Dont know why I am complaining she gave me a 2 minute deal back in April, what can a guy reasonably expect after 30 years of marriage. back to this morning, I was screaming inside, but I think I kept my cool pretty well, waited a bit then got up and got around for work. She called moments ago while out shopping...guess the legs healed up ok. Dont know why I posted this guess I needed to blow off steam somehow.


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## RandomDude

=/
I say the same thing to the missus, I use the word "MAKE"...
I don't see why it's that offensive, if the missus says that to me I consider it a compliment - I GOT THE POWER!


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## Hoosier

Thats the problem.... I couldnt no more MAKE her do anything then I could the man in the moon. Sex currently for her is just annoying, and I am a pervert to expect it more than say 2-3 times a month......she "grants" me that much.


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## Hoosier

Maybe thats the answer... I will start MAKING her have sex with me....I think I will go with once every day to start. that will piss her off!


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## RandomDude

? I would have thought you had the power somewhat: 


> (I have been attempting to be more loving, so have been getting her up in morning and having her come to bed with me for a while...sometimes sex, sometimes not,


BTW, I'm not so keen on the asking thing. But at least it's better than just taking her. Have you tried finding out what turns her on etc?


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## Undertheradar

I'm a man, and......

OK, I'm finding something repulsive about the whole situation.

She sleeps on the couch? Why?

You wake up in the morning, wake her from sleeping on the couch, and tell her you want sex? YES, YOU ARE MAKING HER HAVE SEX!
I find nothing appealing or seductive about your approach.

Also if your wife says go wash your penis, so she can give you a BJ, there's a good chance it's dirty.

Question:

Why not have her sleep with you ll night?

Why not make LOVE to your wife at a nicer setting, instead of demanding sex to please your morning wood?


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## Enchantment

Why is your wife sleeping on the couch?

And... what are you doing for your wife ... to get her in to the mood?

I would not be receptive if my husband came up to me and just demanded sex, I would be the one who was furious.


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## alphaomega

He can't make her sleep in the bed either. Although I would make that demand anyways.

It seems like your dynamics are all wrong. You need to get to the root of the problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dylan

i think your approach could use work but i don't understand why she had to dangle the carrot of oral sex after the shower but then when you shower she refused?that is needlessly cruel.


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## Hoosier

long story on all of this, wasnt trying to waste your folks time, just so mad and having read these forums for awhile felt like the right place to vent... but if you ask....about the bj, first off,this was a couple of nights ago, 2nd I willingly went and took a shower, not a problem at all, and not, I think, an unreasonable request. 3rd A simple not tonight would not have ruined my evening nor cause any problems....disappointment maybe but not a problem..I just felt what was done was ??...About the couch, she moved out of our bedroom 2.5 years ago, says I snore, and I do, she cant sleep. I have tried to get her to at least use one of our 3 empty bedrooms, she refuses.....about 2.5 years ago she quit initiating any sex, told me she loved me but not in love with me, let me know that if I HAD to have sex would basically go along with it...but dont expect her to be responsive or anything, oh and hurry it up would you. 2.5 years ago all of a sudden W isnt having any orgasams... 2.5 years ago some problems with our adult daughter cause my wife to feel the need of some anti depressents...which she continues to take and I feel are the real root of the problem. I had a consultation with her Dr. during a routine visit of my own. Didnt go into much detail but asked if he would talk with her about any problems she might be having, he agreed, I Made an appointment for her. She canceled it at the last minute, refuses to go. So now, I try and get her to come up to at least spoon a bit, which she does and doesnt seem to mind at all, but only once in the last year did she come upstairs and climb into bed without me getting her... So yeah, to have sex I have to go downstairs, wake her up, get her to come upstairs and do the deed. But that is how she set it up.....you know until I typed all this out, didnt REALLY realize how pathetic this is.but talk about LOSER thats me.. ... I kinda think I am just working up to do what I need to do.


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## Dylan

get her off the medication.there are other ways to fix depression that don't involve libido killing chemicals.


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## Hoosier

you dont get it...she WONT quit taking them and she WONT go see the dr.


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## AFEH

Marriages can take some really weird paths and end up in some strange situations. Then one day you kind of wake up to it all.

I don’t know much about depression. But to me it sounds like your wife has some massive resentment (strong anger and dislike) she’s holding against you for whatever reason. And her behaviour sounds very much what a passive aggressive person would do.

I know she’s your wife Hoosier but if it is resentment and passive aggression it is real mean, dysfunctional stuff. Take an assessment of how you feel, what emotions you experience on a regular basis. If you’re demotivated, lack energy, get angry, often feel sad and maybe a bit depressed yourself then that can be a sign that you are living with a resentful and passive aggressive woman.


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## Dylan

so she isn't interested in saving her marriage and she isn't interested in making anyone but herself happy.she baits you with a blowjob when you get done with a shower then doesn't deliver and she won't actively participate in sexual relations.Why is she even married?she obviously doesn't care about anyone but herself.she won't even entertain the possibility that life could be better with some hard work and less pills?why do you stay?


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## 827Aug

Hoosier said:


> you dont get it...she WONT quit taking them and she WONT go see the dr.


If she isn't seeing a doctor, how is she continuing to get prescriptions? I'm a firm believer in mental health drugs only being prescribed by psychiatrists--not general practitioners and OB/GYNs.


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## Hoosier

> Take an assessment of how you feel, what emotions you experience on a regular basis. If you’re demotivated, lack energy, get angry, often feel sad and maybe a bit depressed yourself then that can be a sign that you are living with a resentful and passive aggressive woman.


OMG! thats me lately...so my (see above) actions are in REaction to her? 

she has been back but told the DR that all was ok.


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## Hoosier

Still blown away by AEFH's post.


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## Hoosier

827, she went in for her annual exam and convinced the Nurse Practionier to extend the prescription.


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## AFEH

Hoosier said:


> OMG! thats me lately...so my (see above) actions are in REaction to her?
> 
> she has been back but told the DR that all was ok.


There are some who say the emotions we have and feel are nothing to do with anybody else. That is, others are not responsible for how we feel. That is simply not true. What is true is that as individuals we are responsible for how we respond to how others make us feel.

For example, you got furious. It was your wife who got you furious and if she is a resenter and a passive aggressive that would have been a thought out, well planned and well executed act on her behalf. In other words your wife knows exactly how to push your buttons and push them she does. This is of course conjecture on my behalf, so proceed with caution.

Now, your wife got you furious. This usually happens to a man when his “emotional glass” is already quite full and then something happens to make it spill over the edge. It is called emotional flooding and man’s response to that is anger, and sometimes a lot of anger. This anger can rise in a man in a matter of milliseconds and nature has designed us to respond that way, it is one of our survival instincts.

But we have another part of our brain that rationalises and if we’re somewhat wise and learned we know when our glass is full and we know when we’ve been triggered. So while we feel the anger rising, we walk away before the flooding occurs or as it’s occurring.

Two books I highly recommend to you, Awareness (Anthony de Mello) and Emotional Intelligence (Daniel Goleman), they know about these things. Also look into resentment, understand what it is. And by the way the only cure is forgiveness. You are probably an “unforgiven man”, I think that sort of thing is evil in a marriage but that’s just me. Also look into passive aggression.


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## Enchantment

Hoosier said:


> OMG! thats me lately...so my (see above) actions are in REaction to her?
> 
> she has been back but told the DR that all was ok.


Do you know what's at the root of her resentment? Has she always been like this, or is this a new thing in the last few years?


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## ManDup

Hoosier said:


> you dont get it...she WONT quit taking them and she WONT go see the dr.


Then I WONT be coming home any more. 


AFEH said:


> Marriages can take some really weird paths and end up in some strange situations. Then one day you kind of wake up to it all.


I realize this probably happened to you over time, Hoosier, but guess what mr. froggy, the water's boiling. Time to jump out.


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## turnera

So...you've been married 30 years (same here), and you have a routine life and a routine way of getting SF and it's becoming less and less satisfying for you. 

At the same time, you have a wife who told you 3 years ago that SHE is not satisfied with you, she removed herself from the bedroom so as to not have to 'be' the wife you've expected her to be all this time, she's depressed with the life she has with you and has to medicate herself to get through it...

Do you see the missing puzzle piece yet?

You don't make her happy.

It could be your routines, it could be Love Busters you throw at her, it could be you don't/won't/can't meet her top Emotional Needs so she no longer has any connection to you, it could be that she told you you snored and you did nothing about it, it could be anything.

But bottom line, you give her no reason to CARE.

If you want a better marriage and more SF, CHANGE. Face the fact that women have to have an emotional connection to want to have SF and that has slowly disappeared from your marriage, and she's finally old enough to feel empowered enough to say so, so she is simply co-existing with you because there's nothing better out there.

You're the one seeking help so it's going to have to be YOU making the first changes. Read His Needs Her Needs (by Harley) and learn how you have to work to keep a marriage alive; learn about Love Busters and Emotional Needs, which are what make a marriage sink or swim. Print out the LB and EN questionnaires from marriagegbuilders.com and ask her to fill them out so you will know WHAT she's thinking and feeling, so you can then stop your LBs and meet her ENs. Spend 15 hours a week with her doing things besides housework and tv and computer. Date her. Woo her. Make her feel special and alive again like when you were dating. Ask her about herself. Ask her what goals she's missed out on in life and ask her how you can help her achieve them. Become her partner, not her roommate. And set up a romantic evening that will culminate in great bedroom time AFTER you have invested in giving her a wonderful evening, so she doesn't feel like SF is just something she has to do FOR you.


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## unbelievable

I guess my question is why have you kept dropping your bucket down a dry well for 28 years? What you seek is obviously not down there but, luckily, other wells are in abundance. She doesn't want to be responsible for your sexual needs, so find someone else to assume that function. What's she gonna do? Complain? She's had 28 years. Apparently, all she wants from you is financial support and maybe a comfy couch.


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## Hoosier

Update! Last nite I kept remembering what someone posted. "If they tell you ILUBNILWY, 90% chance they are having an affair" Checked the W cell phone, guess what? she is! After 30 years of marriage this is what I get! Oh well, makes the next step easier.


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## AFEH

Hoosier sorry to hear that. you’ll get lets of support here but there’s additional specialist support over in the Coping with Infidelity forum.

But it sounds like you’ve already made up your mind?


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## turnera

Does that mean you're going to divorce? I will advise you not to make any decisions for a couple days. For now, print out your evidence. Phone records, computer log, whatever. Save it some place. Think about what you want to do. There are some successes, some people do stop the affair, get a remorseful cheating spouse to quit and do what it takes to maintain an even better marriage than before. There are no guarantees, but there is a plan, a step-by-step process, for ending the affair and fixing things.

Your call, but it can happen, if you decide to go that route. Think about it and let us know.


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## Hoosier

Thanks Tunera, I dont know what I am going to do. But from all accounts I (in the 35 years we have been together) I never treated her right, and her boy friend (20 year family friend) just loves her and she is so happy! To be honest I have been contemplating divorce for a year or so, but have NEVER been unfaithful to her. The fact that she decided to have this affair is what hurts, I think I can handle the seperation ok, but the affair.....ouch! I know better than to jump into decisions, just wish I could quit thinking about it. Anyone have any suggestions on what I need to do, practicle things? I have already today made plans to change the beneficary of my life policies, started cleaning the house (I told her to leave) so it can be put on the market (great timing there...huh) the worse thing is telling your friends. HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU TELL SOMEONE THIS? My favorite thing so far,on the day I found out (Saturday) she evidently went to the boyfriends had sex, came home to me and very willingly (probably still pumped from the boyfriend) did me as well..lol.......****


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## Hoosier

AFEH, it was your posting, telling me that she resented me, that she was being passive aggressive, that it could effect me. (your description of how I could feel, lathargic, depressed, etc nearly blew me off my chair,,,,,it was so spot on). That is why I decided to check her phone and found the texts. I dont know yet if I am glad I did......maybe sometime.


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## turnera

The thing is, you need to have a plan. Either you're washing your hands of her, or you're wanting to fight to save your marriage. You need to decide.


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## Hoosier

How does a guy, whos wife told him 2.5 years ago, that she didnt love him, and this weekend told me that her boyfriend treats her so well and I never did, fight for his marriage. Seems to me that both parties need to want it....and I dont think that is going to happen.....God, can I please just think about something else for awhile? Have 5 hours sleep last 48 hours, have not eaten, and still not hungry. I know, I know, quit your whinning. I am trying.


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## morituri

You are right, it takes two to make a marriage or committed relationship work and if your wife is not enthusiastically willing to do her 100% share in repairing and rebuilding, then it is pointless to even try.

Let the OM have her and good riddance.


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## turnera

Hoosier said:


> How does a guy, whos wife told him 2.5 years ago, that she didnt love him, and this weekend told me that her boyfriend treats her so well and I never did, fight for his marriage. Seems to me that both parties need to want it....and I dont think that is going to happen.....God, can I please just think about something else for awhile? Have 5 hours sleep last 48 hours, have not eaten, and still not hungry. I know, I know, quit your whinning. I am trying.


 Well, the first thing he can do is educate himself about what he's dealing with, instead of just working off of his emotions. 

Read Surviving An Affair, for starters. Then read His Needs Her Needs. Those two books will tell you how your marriage got derailed. They will also help you learn how to not make the same mistakes in your next relationship, if it comes to that.

Then take a good, long, hard look at your life. Decide what your basic tenets are: what 4 or 5 things, in your entire life, would you decide you absolutely have to have? They will be different for each person. But learn them. And then live them.

You have to know that, to be able to make the right decisions in your life. For instance, maybe you were lied to in your childhood, and you now value honesty above all else. Make it a Basic Tenet of your life to always BE honest and to only TOLERATE honesty from other people. That gives you a great roadmap for how to live your life. 

Along the way, when something has you feeling weird, say your best friend seems to be saying one thing and doing another. Find out if he's been lying. If so, you adhere to your BT#1 and tell him 'you've been lying to me; I can't handle it, so I'm going to pull away from our friendship for now. I hope you decide to choose honesty, too, so we can be friends again.' And then you follow through and disengage. You're left feeling sad for losing him, but still better about yourself for holding true to your BTs.

See how it works?

Learn that stuff, and start living it. You'll be working on yourself, becoming an upstanding citizen and great guy, and it will show. Will your wife notice and come back? Maybe. But even if she doesn't, YOU will be busy enjoying the new improved you, and it won't hurt as much if she, the one with all the flaws, can't keep up with you. You'll be too busy enjoying your life.


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## morituri

Of course if you want to invest 3 more years hoping she'll see the brand new you and fall head over heals in love with you, then to go ahead and knock yourself out.

While Dr Willard Harley's books 'His Needs, Her Needs' and 'Love Busters' are excellent, I would definitely NOT recommend his other book 'Surviving An Affair' for any man. No man should ever have to go through what Jon had to go through thanks to his sl*t wife Sue. The book has nothing to help a betrayed husband heal from the ordeal of his wife's betrayal. I returned the book and got my money back. Buy instead Dr James Dobson's book 'Love Must Be Tough'.


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## turnera

Agreed.


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## ManDup

Hoosier said:


> Update! Last nite I kept remembering what someone posted. "If they tell you ILUBNILWY, 90% chance they are having an affair" Checked the W cell phone, guess what? she is! After 30 years of marriage this is what I get! Oh well, makes the next step easier.


Argh. Every friggin' time.


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## Catherine602

Hoosier I think you should save the relationship books for a latter time. Right now work on getting out of this and getting the support you need. IC, friends and family are invaluable. If you need to read then read books to prepare you for the normal processes that occurs in divorcing couples. If you know then you can prepare yourself. 

After you get out, work on yourself and date at lest 10 women before committing. You need the practice and you need to learn what you want. Best of luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hellothere

All this (sleeping on couch and not wanting sex) happened right around the time she started the antidepressants? I agree with the above posters (and you) that the drugs are causing this.

She won't see the doctor...but IF the situation that caused her to start the medication is under control/resolved itself, maybe you can talk her into seeing the doctor to reduce/stop the medication. Let her know you're concerned about her health as medications have all sorts of side effects and the longer you take then, the more damage they can cause. Maybe google the medication she takes....see what the long term effects could be?


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## Undertheradar

Hoosier said:


> How does a guy, whos wife told him 2.5 years ago, that she didnt love him, and this weekend told me that her boyfriend treats her so well and I never did, fight for his marriage. Seems to me that both parties need to want it....and I dont think that is going to happen.....God, can I please just think about something else for awhile? Have 5 hours sleep last 48 hours, have not eaten, and still not hungry. I know, I know, quit your whinning. I am trying.


Well...... I hate to put it THIS way, but I think you're a lucky man.

You just wasted AT LEAST 2.5 years of your life, with someone that told you she didn't love you, AND made the emotional and physical detachment a long time ago. She already made the move away from your marriage.
There is NO marriage to fight for.

Why do I say you're lucky??.... Because 99% of the people here are trying to hold onto something that's there. Yours is gone.
It's time to stop thinking about fixing something that broke a long time ago.

I apologize for getting right to the point. But I'm going through something similar myself, and I'm still here. So I understand your dilemma.


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## morituri

Undertheradar said:


> Well...... I hate to put it THIS way, but I think you're a lucky man.
> 
> You just wasted AT LEAST 2.5 years of your life, with someone that told you she didn't love you, AND made the emotional and physical detachment a long time ago. She already made the move away from your marriage.
> There is NO marriage to fight for.
> 
> Why do I say you're lucky??.... Because 99% of the people here are trying to hold onto something that's there. Yours is gone.
> It's time to stop thinking about fixing something that broke a long time ago.
> 
> I apologize for getting right to the point. But I'm going through something similar myself, and I'm still here. So I understand your dilemma.


He's got a new thread at 'Coping with Infidelity' forum titled Never thought I would be posting here


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## turnera

morituri said:


> He's got a new thread at 'Coping with Infidelity' forum titled Never thought I would be posting here


 Thanks for posting this! I don't always look at the forums, and when someone starts a new thread, I usually don't know about it.


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## aine

Hoosier said:


> So this morning I arise early and go to the living room to get my wife up from the couch (where she has been sleeping last 2 years) to come up stairs to cuddle.. (I have been attempting to be more loving, so have been getting her up in morning and having her come to bed with me for a while...sometimes sex, sometimes not, but having her lay with me for awhile) as I attempted to find out if she was available, she says to me, "Oh, please dont MAKE me have sex this morning my legs are so sore!"........ MAKE! this is the woman who went from turning me down constantly for 28 years, to now has sex pretty much if I ask, but lets me know it is like doing the dishes for her, a crappy chore she does to get it over with. This is the woman who last time we had sex, when asked if she would consider oral said, "Go take a shower and I will" I then got up took a great shower, came back to bed and she refused. Dont know why I am complaining she gave me a 2 minute deal back in April, what can a guy reasonably expect after 30 years of marriage. back to this morning, I was screaming inside, but I think I kept my cool pretty well, waited a bit then got up and got around for work. She called moments ago while out shopping...guess the legs healed up ok. Dont know why I posted this guess I needed to blow off steam somehow.



The whole thing sounds so prefunctory. How much effort do you put into romancing her before sex, (doesn't sound like any). Women want to be romanced before you get your rocks off. There might be more passion on her end. I am usually into accommodating my husband, though I may not be in the mood, but nothing puts me off more than this kind of approach (excluding quickies). Gratification isn't the only thing that should be sought, what about tenderness, romance, anticipation etc.


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## aine

aine said:


> The whole thing sounds so prefunctory. How much effort do you put into romancing her before sex, (doesn't sound like any). Women want to be romanced before you get your rocks off. There might be more passion on her end. I am usually into accommodating my husband, though I may not be in the mood, but nothing puts me off more than this kind of approach (excluding quickies). Gratification isn't the only thing that should be sought, what about tenderness, romance, anticipation etc.


Stupid me, old post


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## askari

*This is the woman who last time we had sex, when asked if she would consider oral said, "Go take a shower and I will" I then got up took a great shower, came back to bed and she refused. * 

My wife said kinda the same thing many years ago..."Go and get circumcised and I will".

I did and am still waiting, 15 years on. No regrets though.


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