# My wife is cheating but I want to fix our marriage



## Hurt84 (Mar 21, 2012)

Sorry for the long post but I'm new to this and unfortunately my situation is difficult to explain. My wife and I have been married for two and half years and have been together a total of over 11 years since high school. We bought a house three years ago, have a dog, and even became godparents to our friends son this fall.

So over the last month and a half I've come to the realization that my wife is cheating on me with a client of hers (she's a substance abuse counselor). I stumbled upon it because I noticed that my wife had been acting differently. I first noticed that she was carrying her cell phone with her everywhere: bathroom, when she went to shower, from room-to-room, etc. She then was staying up absurdly later for her when she's normally an early-to-bed-early-to-rise person. The most alarming thing I noticed was that she seemed to just be distant and it was almost like I wasn't even there. A few days later I was able to check her phone and I found some disturbing texts to a number that wasn't listed in her phone, implying that she had hung out with the person and that she missed them. I confronted her about them and she said that nothing was going on and it was just "entertainment". When I pushed the issue demanding answers she spun it back around on me that she was unhappy because I've been too complacent with things and that she felt like she was walking on eggshells around me. I took what she said about the texts at face value and tried to push past it. I also tried to make some changes with the way I was to address some of the issues she brought up.

Unfortunately, after a couple of days I couldn't take it anymore and I looked at our cell phone bill to see how long and how much she had been texting with this person, who she refused to say who it was. What I found just astonished me because she had been talking to them for over 2 months with it really picking up over the last few weeks. I decided to do a lookup on the phone number she was texting with but the results I got back seemed weird to me (at the time). As the week went on things didn't change much and I couldn't help but keep checking that history. She would say she had to work late, which normally seemed fine but would actually go there. When she would come home she reeked of cigarette smoke when I know she doesn't smoke and she can't stand to be around it without getting a migraine. I tried giving her the benefit of the doubt throughout all this probably because I was in denial and I wanted to believe her when she said it was nothing. I pretty much figured out when she had gone to see this person and basically confirmed that it was really one of her clients.

After close to a week of this, I confronted her about why she was texting this person so much and who it was (again). She refused to talk about it and continued to try and turn it around back on me. She left the house to go to her mom's the first time I brought it up (since I initially brought up what I saw) but turned around and came back. Again, stupid me, I took what she was saying (or not saying) for what I wanted it to be and tried to see if things would change. A week later I tried again, this time approaching it as "I know you are talking and seeing someone else behind my back". She denied everything, continuing to say it was nothing, and it started a huge fight. The fight ended with her saying that she didn't know what she wanted anymore, including whether she wanted to be married or not which pretty much crushed me even more. I couldn't go to work the next day and felt totally defeated. By the time she came home from work I moved from sad to angry and ready to pounce on the smallest thing except she came home and was acting like everything was fine. I took this as a good sign and tried to go with it. Unfortunately, what I've come realize was that it was pretty much a front. 

Another week goes by and she has to go to some conference in Atlantic City for work. It was an all day thing so I wasn't expecting her to come home until after dinner. I was starting to feel better about things because at this point she hadn't hung out with the person in two weeks, they were just talking. We texted throughout the day but I got this suspicion that she was going to go there on her way home from the conference. She tried covering all her bases saying that she and a coworker went out to eat after the conference then went shopping and gambling. At this point there was nothing I could do except wait until she got home. When she did she went right to the bedroom to change her clothes, right to the bathroom to wash her face and basically right to bed. I figured out that she did in fact go there and lied to me about when they left AC. At this point I asked her what are we doing to ourselves? It had been a week since we last spoke about everything and it was left on pretty uncertain terms. I pushed it further questioning where she was, remembering the co-worker she went with was in recovery herself and didn't gamble - meaning they didn't go gambling afterwards. She continued to say nothing else was going on and I kept pushing. Finally she blurted out that she didn't want to be married anymore and that she'd been thinking it for a while. I tried to talk about that more with her but the only thing she did was go in the guest room and go to bed. 

The next day she gets up and its like the night before didn't happen. At this point I decided to leave the house and went for a drive. Before I left I said that whatever is going on need to stop and we need to talk about our issues. I said that if she's seeing or talking to someone else she needs to stop or we need to seriously think about what our next steps are. The only thing she said was that she wasn't seeing anyone. I left for a few hours and while out she called me to say that she had to go into work for a bit and that she'd meet me at dinner later (we were going out with a group of friends). Turns out that's exactly what it was and we went through the rest of the weekend. Monday morning before leaving for work she said that she needed space and time to figure things out for herself. I said whatever helps her get to the point of talking about this stuff was good with me but she needed to be honest. 

Another week goes by, she still talks to the person, and it's killing me. I'm getting more and more angry and then she goes there again. She tells me that she worked until 2 but had to go to another office and then visit her grandmother. I couldn't really question the sick grandmother thing but I knew she went to see this guy. It wasn't until the following Monday that I finally said you are lying to me and seeing this guy and I pulled his name out. She was shocked that I knew his name and that he was one of her clients. She denied that anything was going on and that he was even her client. Finally she admitted to lying to me about who she was talking to and that some nights she doesn't come home from work right away. I pursued that but it went no where. She went back to her point about not wanting to be married anymore and we tried talking about that. We ended it that we would try and work out our issues but we needed to talk more about it the next day. When we spoke the next day, she reversed course and said she wanted out. I said if she wanted to be with one of her clients, or anyone else for that matter, then get go. She didn't leave, she just again denied that it wasn't her client. I pushed that and we actually got back to the point of where we both needed to think about what we wanted and needed for our relationship. 

Last night was a week since we spoke about everything. In the week since we've been basically co-existing and she seems pretty content with that. Me, I'm torturing myself thinking there's someway she'll come around. We're supposed to be going away at the end of May and I'm trying to get her to agree to working on things until then and then seeing where we are after the trip. I already said that I don't know if its best for us to be going away if we are in this uncertain place.

She doesn't know that I know as much as I do about everything. It's hard for me to try and catch her in the act of seeing the guy because of where she works and it seems they meet up last minute. Despite all of this I want to try and work things out with her but I'm not sure if that's feasible anymore. Plus, I'm concerned for her because this guy isn't necessarily a model citizen and she's putting her career on the line by even hang out with him. I feel like a sucker about all this because I basically let it get to this point. It also kills me because things seemed like they were great between us up until I noticed her acting differently. I'm not sure what to do next. Thoughts?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

If you're in doubts of whether its EA or PA, you could install a keylogger in her computer, place a VAR in her car.


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

Stop sitting in the background and reading her texts. Present her with the proof, if she wants out, let her go. I know you don't want it, but the chances of her maintaining respect for you is going to be a lot higher if you draw a line in the sand.

a. ALL contact needs to stop immediately, with proof by her or you will - tell her family and her work. If her career is ruined, then she should have thought about that before hand. What kind of recovery is she helping this person with when adultery and lack of morals is being set as an example by a counselor - she should NOT be in the position.

b. Give her 24 hours - not next week, not 48 hours. She is your WIFE and you have rights in your marriage and settling for being cheated on is not attractive and is not something you deserve.

At this point, the best way to save your marriage is to do what you think will destroy it because it is currently dying a slow death as she has her way and loses more and more respect for you everyday.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Mindful Coach said:


> Stop sitting in the background and reading her texts. Present her with the proof, if she wants out, let her go. I know you don't want it, but the chances of her maintaining respect for you is going to be a lot higher if you draw a line in the sand.
> 
> a. ALL contact needs to stop immediately, with proof by her or you will - tell her family and her work. If her career is ruined, then she should have thought about that before hand. What kind of recovery is she helping this person with when adultery and lack of morals is being set as an example by a counselor - she should NOT be in the position.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


But to do this he should grow a pair!!!!!!! unfortunately he don't have this now, else she shouldn't have strayed like this in front of him.

She was not even ready to talk to him about her FB, she disrespected him that much like a POS.

Go get a VAR, Put a keylogger on her computer. (actually do you need any more evidence to dump her?)


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

for starters read the newbie link in my signature


next I'm going to tell you something you won't want to hear but if you truly want to stay married then you have to take this risk


you are going to go see a lawyer and get the papers for a divorce and also to know your rights 

next you are going to see a doctor for a STD test and possible meds for the anxiety/depression (it is very likely it has gone physical by now)

then you are going to present the papers to your wife and tell her that you only wish for her to be happy and that she can be free to pursue her love interest and that you will not stay married because you do not want to have 3 people in a marriage. The only way you will stay married is if she does the following:

1) goes completely no contact with the OM, in fact she should look for employment elsewhere or have it confirmed that he will no longer be in her care. She should write a no contact letter and if he contacts her again then she will ignore it and tell you of it right away.

2) she is completely transparent, she gives up all passwords, allows you to look at her phone and keeps you informed to her whereabouts. You should also keep up the snooping and do NOT reveal your sources

3) she must show 100% true remorse, that the affair is all hers to own. Yes there are problems of the marriage that need addressing but the affair choice is all hers. That means no trickle turth, gaslighting or blameshifting.

4) she spends 5-10 of one on one time with you a week so you can reconnect

I know by making a stand here you are afraid that you will lose her BUT
if she decides to leave, then you have already lost her and it's too late (altho it is possible to bring her back through exposures and such buut do you really want to be the back up plan?)


also-

is OM married, if so tell her ASAP


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

:iagree: This is exactly correct. You are in limbo - don't know where you stand. From the outside, it is very apparent where you stand - nowhere close to her. How long you stay in limbo is up to you. The only thing that will get you out is filing. Or, when the OM dumps her and she comes back to her second fiddle . . . for a while. While you sit up paranoid for the next few years. Take control. No one can promise it'll get you your wife back, but you must realize that she is now gone, pleading/begging/being a doormat will not get her back.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Hire a PI immediately. I give you a 0.0001 % chance that she is not [email protected] behind your back. Read the stories here. How you react will decide if your marriage will survive or not.

Start preparing for a divorce. It is your best option. The lack of respect and the lying shows that she doesn't care much about you. Get out before kids or more long term decisions


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

1/ Get tested for STD's
2. Contact an attorney
3. Expose this to the OM's significant other
4. Expose this to her human resources dept. She is screwing around with a client.
No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. She no longer respects you at all. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Good luck.


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## cabin fever (Feb 9, 2012)

Your story sounds REALLY similar to mine, and mine ended up in a 6 month PA!


One thing I really kick myself for not doing, was grabbing her phone from her, and calling the om FROM HER PHONE in front of her, the first time I found the text!

Do that, and watch her crumble!

Don't do anything, and watch your heart crumble.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

cabin fever said:


> One thing I really kick myself for not doing, was grabbing her phone from her, and calling the om FROM HER PHONE in front of her, the first time I found the text!
> 
> Do that, and watch her crumble!
> 
> Don't do anything, and watch your heart crumble.


Most of the time that does nothing but upset the WS and pushes away from you even more.

You really want to fix the marriage, then you have to risk losing her also. At this point you're on the losing end.

Crying, begging, pleading, playing Mr. nice guy, being the best spouse won't win you any brownie points because all she sees is the past and what got her there.

Others have already said, start working on you and moving on without her at this point. Set up boundaries that she has to follow and if she balks take that bat and smack her right on out of the ballpark and move on without her.

Well, that's how my wife got me to wake up anyways.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Hurt 84,

I caught my wife with a combination of tactics. The most useful being a GPS tracker on her car.

Listen to the advice from these folks...they are correct. I have been through what you are going through right now. My wife said all the same things yours is saying. Yes, she was cheating, EA/PA and it was going on a lot longer then I thought. I didn't listen to their advice and as a result I was in limbo for 6 months...and that is not including the next 8 months of false R and TT. 

I feel like the others above...you already have enough info to file for D. This should be your next step. I wouldn't drag it out any longer. The longer you wait the worse it will get...and the harder it will be on you. You don't have children so there is no reason to put up with her cheating and no reason to wait. 

Keep in mind that after some women have affairs and disconnect from their husbands emotionally, even after the affair ends, they don't always reconnect. Sometimes it's gone forever...as was my case. 

I urge you to see an attorney and start the process towards D. Read up on the 180 and implement it immediately. You must do what may seem counter intuitive to you right now if you want to have any chance to save this marriage. You can always halt the process of D if she magically wakes up and comes out of the fog.

Think of it this way. If you file and she wake up...you can halt the process. If you file and she leaves...then you have your answer. Would you want to stay with a wife that doesn't want to be with you? Of course not.

Good luck.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

both almostrecovered and warlock have given the right answers to your situation. You should now wake up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mrsamazing (Feb 9, 2012)

this is really serious! She is dating a patient! Beyond unethical. That will have huge fallout.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cabin fever (Feb 9, 2012)

cheatinghubby said:


> Most of the time that does nothing but upset the WS and pushes away from you even more.
> 
> You really want to fix the marriage, then you have to risk losing her also. At this point you're on the losing end.
> 
> ...


Yes and no. My wife swore up and down that is was nothing serious, and had this douche bag's contact info as a girl in her phone. for 6 months I thought this dipchit was a chick! I guess I should have included that in my original post. Either way, if I would have called, I could have started my 180 sooner, and either got on with my life, or kept the affair from building another 6 months.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

dammit decimated update your thread


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> for starters read the newbie link in my signature
> 
> 
> next I'm going to tell you something you won't want to hear but if you truly want to stay married then you have to take this risk
> ...


:iagree:

This is the ONLY thing that can help you.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Do what everyone is telling you. 

File for D. 

Get tested for STD's.

Get your proof and go to her employer without her knowing it. I am a proffessional counselor and this crap would get me canned and maybe even have my liscense taken from me or at least suspended. Ethic rules for professional counselors are tight in most states and this situation is not acceptable. Make sure you have the proof and the client's name.

It is common for counselors and counselees to become emotionally close. Often times there is the telling of some wicked stuff in sessions. There are intimate details shared. When counselors feel close to a client they should go to their supervisor and share these feelings with him/her for accountibility or to be removed from the case.

I would expose it.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Sorry Almostrecovered...I do need to do that.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

The poor guy who wrote this thread is in no position to take any of the great advice offered here.

He's most likely going to keep confronting his wife about the text or any other evidence that he comes up with, she'll keep denying or minimizing and play it as cool as possible so she can enjoy all the comforts of home while having her OM on the side while this poor guy lives in a state of misery.

This will most definitely continue until she either leaves him for another man because he doesn't seem like he's anywhere close to being proactive here, he's frozen in fear and as per the title of his thread, willing to do anything to get her back.

Little does he realize, his inaction and weakness is the one thing that will almost certainly doom any possible chances of the affair ending and a successful reconciliation ever happening.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Keylogger, VAR---GPS---use them all---record/copy everything

Present her with the evidence, but don't wait to long----you have plenty, even if its circumstantial---it still states your case for you

She is blameshifting/demonizing---don't let her get away either of those tactics

Call her bluff----tell her she wants to get a D---tell her to go for it---IN FACT---go to the computer--go to google, and print out your state's Divorce Packet---once that is shoved in her face---she will back track so fast---it will be a landspeed record

She doesn't want this guy---she wants the excitement, the high, the the infatuation, the sneaking around, and making it work----you need to end all of that---forcing her to face D, WILL END ALL OF THAT

If you really want this R---Then you need to YANK her out of DISNEYLAND, and bring her back to reality

The real problem, is she has more than likely been physical with him---so now it becomes---what can your sub-conscious handle---can you take the visions, you will be inundated with---for you probably want to know the real truth, and it will hurt---it will hurt beyond anything you can believe hurts

You have one stat going for you---97% of all A. hook-ups---FAIL.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

jnj express said:


> You have one stat going for you---97% of all A. hook-ups---FAIL.


So what if the hookups fail? That doesn't mean she's going to come running back to him and all the damage will be undone, along with instantaneous complete vaporization of all the problems that led up to the affair. 

The affair itself, is only a symptom. Once it's over, "if" it's over, it becomes part of the greater problem. Much more often than not, at that point the problem has become beyond fixing.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey hisfac---you very well could be absolutely right----and he does have problems to deal with, and this all may be way beyond him at this point

He will do what he will do, and all you and I can do, is try to give him a little info/advice---what he does with it---is up to him


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

> "So what if the hookups fail? That doesn't mean she's going to come running back to him and all the damage will be undone, along with instantaneous complete vaporization of all the problems that led up to the affair.
> 
> The affair itself, is only a symptom. Once it's over, "if" it's over, it becomes part of the greater problem. Much more often than not, at that point the problem has become beyond fixing."


I absolutely agree with this...1000%

Even if she stops her cheating and comes home again emotionally there has already been so much damage to you and her. You may not even realize how much at this point. Fixing this will take years if it's even successful in the end. Remember, it takes both spouses working at 100% to even have a chance to R and even this is no guarantee of success. 

Also remember, like Hisfac says above, you will be trying to fix all of the affair related issues as well as the pre-cheating issues within your marriage and then the issues within her that allowed her to make these choices. Does she even posses the qualities required to do this? Did she ever?

Think about everything that she has done and said…that you know about. Now think about everything she probably did that you don't know about…and may never know about. Do you really think that after the dust settles all of her lies, deceit, and betrayal won't bother you and cause resentment to build? You bet it will.

Because you have no children I would say just let it go and walk away. It will be tough for a while but I feel that in the long run you will be happy that you did.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Decimated said:


> I absolutely agree with this...1000%
> 
> 
> 
> ...



:iagree::iagree::iagree:

But i don't think that he can do that because to do this he needs to have pair, which he don't have now.

he knows his wife is fuc*king someone, he knows she is cheating, he knows she is disrespecting him in the worst way possible for wife, he knows she is a liar, he knows everything but what he did to stop this? NOTHING. 

He is really a disappointing guy she knows him well that he is capable of nothing so she did all this to him.

Poor guy, when he wake up she might have gone with some real man.

wake-up man this is your last wake-up call, if you still pretend sleeping even god cant help you. you are a man, not a slave to any lady. don't allow her to rub her someone elses cum dripping pus*y on your face.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Problem is she's got your number. Everytime you confront, she threatens leaving you and ending the marriage and you back off. You need to call her bluff. 

PLUS!! DO you know why she keeps telling you that he's not a client over and over? Because, if he is! She can lose her job and her license. You are in the driver's seat more than you realize.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

crossbar said:


> Because, if he is! She can lose her job and her license. You are in the driver's seat more than you realize.


No he isn't. The threat of reporting his wife to her state medical association so she can lose her license will only get him so far.

First of all no matter what she does, him taking some sort of action that will get her medically disciplined will solve nothing and secondly threats aren't going to bring her running back into his arms. Distant third is that if things get so bad that he DOES report her and she DOES lose her job, he'll probably end up having to pay HER support. How ironic is that?

So many times on this board I see advise that says "threaten to do this, or threaten to do that!".

Threats don't work with dogs, and they don't work with people.

There are underlying problems that led up to the affair, and those are what need to be addressed, not smothering the symptoms with ultimatums.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Decimated said:


> Hurt 84,
> 
> I caught my wife with a combination of tactics. The most useful being a GPS tracker on her car.
> 
> ...


Great advice. Where is our update?


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## Wolfgar (Nov 15, 2011)

cabin fever said:


> Your story sounds REALLY similar to mine, and mine ended up in a 6 month PA!
> 
> 
> One thing I really kick myself for not doing, was grabbing her phone from her, and calling the om FROM HER PHONE in front of her, the first time I found the text!
> ...


GOD! I feel the same way, why the fckk did i not do this? Instead I just stupidly trusted her and believed she ended it. Doing this would have saved me a lot of heartache.


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## Hurt84 (Mar 21, 2012)

Thank you everyone for your advice. As some people pointed out, in their own way of putting it, I've been kind of wallowing back and forth with what to do. Definitely have been in a state of limbo that I only made worse by not taking a stronger stance from the get-go. I wanted to believe what she said, simply because I never had a reason to not believe her. In reality I was in denial.

At this point, I'm trying to figure out the best way to confront her directly about what she's doing to me and ultimately us but I also think the 180 is the way to go, if anything for me. Is there a happy medium between confrontation/forcing her away OR the 180 or are the mutually exclusive?

I don't think anyone likes when this happens to them but I'm done being the doormat. Now I just need to just need to figure out the best way to handle it for me.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Hurt84 said:


> At this point, I'm trying to figure out the best way to confront her directly about what she's doing to me and ultimately us but I also think the 180 is the way to go, if anything for me. Is there a happy medium between confrontation/forcing her away OR the 180 or are the mutually exclusive?


I personally don't really care all that much for the term "doing the 180". I don't feel it's all that descriptive and I start thinking about geometry and walking backwards and it just doesn't do it for me.

I don't disagree with the approach, just the term. I first read about it here, and it's pretty much along the lines of what I always thought was the right approach when things go bad.

You do your own thing, you live your own life, you don't let your partners actions affect you, you assume a tone of "emotionally detached and indifferent and not bothered", and you make it clear that you're a strong, tough, stand on your own type of person and you don't give a rat's ass whether they are in your life or not because you're fine without them either way and if they want back in then they have to prove to you that they're worthy. 

Even if your insides are torn up and you want to freaking shake them and scream at them and force them to come running back into your arms, you fake it til you make it and to all outside appearances you are in just fine and dandy shape and no one knows the truth except for you and maybe a close friend and relative who you can really trust along with your anonymous friends on obscure internet discussion forums.

Now take what I just wrote there and ask yourself if you can do that and also confront her about everything and how that might possibly work.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What do you know about the other man? Is he married, have a girlfriend?


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## Hurt84 (Mar 21, 2012)

Just that he has two kids from a previous girlfriend...oh, and that he's client of hers!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Hurt84 said:


> Just that he has two kids from a previous girlfriend...oh, and that he's client of hers!


You need to out her to her employers. I am sure they have a policy against what she is doing.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

chapparal said:


> You need to out her to her employers. I am sure they have a policy against what she is doing.


I suggest you disregard this sort of advice, as I posted earlier on this thread. Taking an action that may result in the loss of her job or revocation of her medical license is an over the top strategy that is ineffective, uncalled for, will ruin any chance of reconciliation and is nothing more than revenge. 

Not only is it vindictive and cruel and will not do anything to help your case, if you subsequently get divorced and she loses her job, it could cost YOU in support payments to HER.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

hisfac said:


> I suggest you disregard this sort of advice, as I posted earlier on this thread. Taking an action that may result in the loss of her job or revocation of her medical license is an over the top strategy that is ineffective, uncalled for, will ruin any chance of reconciliation and is nothing more than revenge.
> 
> Not only is it vindictive and cruel and will not do anything to help your case, if you subsequently get divorced and she loses her job, it could cost YOU in support payments to HER.


It's not vindictive and cruel. 

What your spouse is doing is vindictive and cruel. You are simply reacting to what she has done to you.

It could possibly cost you in support payments, but it could also possibly save your marriage. If it doesn't, you can walk away with your head held up high.

You need to choose the route that YOU think will work out the best or scr3w you the least.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

chapparal said:


> You need to out her to her employers. I am sure they have a policy against what she is doing.


Yes indeed, and she leaves the job. Don't fool yourself that the money is more important than your marriage, far to many ignore this advice to their detriment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I would out her to her job simply because if she is having affairs with clients she shouldn't be trusted to do that job. Its unethical to say the least.

She can't be expected to uphold the morality of a marriage if she can't even uphold the morality of her work.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

hisfac said:


> I suggest you disregard this sort of advice, as I posted earlier on this thread. Taking an action that may result in the loss of her job or revocation of her medical license is an over the top strategy that is ineffective, uncalled for, will ruin any chance of reconciliation and is nothing more than revenge.
> 
> Not only is it vindictive and cruel and will not do anything to help your case, if you subsequently get divorced and she loses her job, it could cost YOU in support payments to HER.


Everyone where they work needs to know what kind of man they are working with. He chose to prey on another mans wife. I could care less if he ever has another decent job. If the marriage is to survive one of them has to leave the job at least.

When a man preys on other mens wives, revenge is certainly appropriate.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

I get the point that she can't be trusted with her clients since she's f--king one or more of them and there are ethics issues here.

That much being said the guy isn't being told to out her at her job because suddenly it's his responsibility to make sure her clients are treated professionally and not offered sex in exchange for their copay or whatever, it's because they're giving the guy ineffective ways to stop an affair to save his marriage or enact some sort of revenge since "she did it to him".

To that I say it's a wasted effort, getting her at trouble at work might make things difficult for her but it won't necessarily stop the affair or fix the problems that led up to it and since she isn't looking to reconcile, the odds are this marriage will fail and once you head to divorce court, yeah the money matters. Especially when whatever is left has to be spread out between two different households. Especially when such an action on his part is almost definitely going to thrust the two of them into a high conflict, highly contested and expensively litigated divorce.

*Edited to add*:

You think it makes any sense to get revenge when it might cost him in monthly support payments for the next 5 or 10years of his life? I'm sure he'll won't be smirking when he signs those support checks every month- while she's jobless and has the free time to..um.. go f--k other guys.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Hurt84,

You must accept that your marriage may end no matter what you do. So why not stand up for yourself and handle yourself with dignity and pride?

Do not ever beg, cry, or plead to her again.

Tell her you do not intend to continue this way any longer. Tell her she can have her druggie other man and that, although you love her very much and would like to reconcile, you can and will move on without her. Tell her what she must do in order for you not to file for divorce. Here are my suggestions: Truth, No Contact, Transparency, Remorse. Tell her if she doesn't meet these conditions, you will file for divorce. Then do it.

Tell her you know what is going on. Do not tell her how you know. Tell her she needs to tell you the truth about her relationship with the other man. You will know you have the truth when her story makes sense. Do not accept denials and nonsensical stories that a 4-year-old wouldn't believe. Keep pushing until you have the truth.

Tell her all contact with the other man must cease. Either your wife or other man must be transferred and handled by another person out of another office. If that is impossible, then your wife must begin looking for a new job immediately.

Tell her she must give you all passwords and access to all her devices. She must let you know where she is at all times.

Tell her she should be trying to win you back, not the other way around.

She already has told you she doesn't want to be married. Yet, still she is married and has not filed for divorce. At this point, you must assume ALL HER WORDS ARE LIES. BELIEVE ONLY HER ACTIONS.

She is used to you being a pushover. She has treated you terribly and you have done almost nothing about it. She thinks that she can cheat on you and you will be happy to have her back. Almost definitely, you will have to file for divorce before she believes you're actually serious. You can stop the divorce process at any time if your wife will meet your conditions. At least you will find out where you stand and not put yourself through months if not years of the painful way you are living now.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

hisfac said:


> I suggest you disregard this sort of advice, as I posted earlier on this thread. Taking an action that may result in the loss of her job or revocation of her medical license is an over the top strategy that is ineffective, uncalled for, will ruin any chance of reconciliation and is nothing more than revenge.
> 
> Not only is it vindictive and cruel and will not do anything to help your case, if you subsequently get divorced and she loses her job, it could cost YOU in support payments to HER.


Uncalled for?!?! It's a moral and ethical principal. Regardless if she was married or not! If she was a High School teacher sleeping with one of her students, should he turn a blind eye because it's "uncalled for and vindictive"? She is a liscenced substance abuse counselor. She KNOWS that what she's doing is wrong, and she KNOWS what the implications are if she's caught. She wanted to gamble with it anyways. How is that the OP fault?

Even if her superiors find out about it (and OP says nothing) the WW would be out of a job anyway.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

When you live in fear to take measures to actual end the affair you really have to view yourself as being trapped.

You need to seek out freedom from such fear. It will only drive you crazy. Exposé the fact that she is sleeping with clients. It's cheap and sleazy and needs to be exposed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

hisfac said:


> I get the point that she can't be trusted with her clients since she's f--king one or more of them and there are ethics issues here.
> 
> That much being said the guy isn't being told to out her at her job because suddenly it's his responsibility to make sure her clients are treated professionally and not offered sex in exchange for their copay or whatever, it's because they're giving the guy ineffective ways to stop an affair to save his marriage or enact some sort of revenge since "she did it to him".
> 
> ...


Exposing to her employer is the most effective thing he can do to make the affair difficult for them to continue. If the OP wishes to save his marriage how do you suggest he do that if he is restricted from exposing the affair? Exposing is not revenge it is an effective tool for ending the affair. Its worked countless times before and will undoubtedly be used by many BS who wish to save their marriages.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Exposing is not revenge it is an effective tool for ending the affair. Its worked countless times before and will undoubtedly be used by many BS who wish to save their marriages.


I find it hard to believe that the suggested method of exposing his wife's workplace affair to her superiors and causing her to be fired is going to end the affair and send her running back into his arms so they can live happily ever after and this sort of strategy has worked "countless times before". Reconciliation after an affair can only happen if the wayward spouse actually feels bad about what they've done and WANTS to come back.



Beowulf said:


> Exposing to her employer is the most effective thing he can do to make the affair difficult for them to continue. If the OP wishes to save his marriage how do you suggest he do that if he is restricted from exposing the affair? Exposing is not revenge it is an effective tool for ending the affair.


I don't have any suggestions as to how he can save his marriage. She doesn't want to end the affair and she doesn't want to come back to him. His only option at this point is to accept the marriage is finished, file for divorce, and walk away.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

I agree with this. 



> I find it hard to believe that the suggested method of exposing his wife's workplace affair to her superiors and causing her to be fired is going to end the affair and send her running back into his arms so they can live happily ever after and this sort of strategy has worked "countless times before". Reconciliation after an affair can only happen if the wayward spouse actually feels bad about what they've done and WANTS to come back.


...and this



> I don't have any suggestions as to how he can save his marriage. She doesn't want to end the affair and she doesn't want to come back to him. His only option at this point is to accept the marriage is finished, file for divorce, and walk away.



I wouldn't waste my time following the course of action to get her fired right now...save it for revenge after you are divorced if you want.

Just consider this marriage over and proceed with "D". 

Let her continue doing whatever unethical behavior she is involved in for now and continue to collect any evidence you can to prove it. You can't change her or make her do anything she doesn't want to do. Also, getting her fired isn't going to bring her back...IMO. It could just piss her off even more. 

Like someone earlier pointed out, If you expose to her employer at this time and she looses her job then you will have her in your wallet every month for some time with spousal support payments. Why should you have to reward her monetarily for her unethical and immoral behavior? 

After the "D" is over then expose her to the employer as a parting gift thus giving Karma a helping hand!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The main thing here is getting the Om out of the picture that is #1 rule. 
So I suggest blackmail, she can choose the OM or her career.

Until you can find some healthy way to get Om out of the picture and validat a continued MC then your WW is a lost cause.

Some may even be in the crowd of confronting OM with bodily harm, but what ever is best for you.... black mail, bodily harm, or even the 180 plan, the bottom line is do what ever it takes to get her away from this damaging influence that is effecting the dynamics of the marriage.

Who knows months from now, even with a confirmed NC she may still feel the same way about the marriage, but in my case My fWW thanks me all the time for pulling her out of a unhealthy life style and confronting her the way I did.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

hisfac said:


> I find it hard to believe that the suggested method of exposing his wife's workplace affair to her superiors and causing her to be fired is going to end the affair and send her running back into his arms so they can live happily ever after and this sort of strategy has worked "countless times before". Reconciliation after an affair can only happen if the wayward spouse actually feels bad about what they've done and WANTS to come back.
> 
> 
> 
> I don't have any suggestions as to how he can save his marriage. She doesn't want to end the affair and she doesn't want to come back to him. His only option at this point is to accept the marriage is finished, file for divorce, and walk away.


So you are giving the OP no choice. He must accept your suggestion regardless of what he wants to do? I also stated I thought he should probably file and move on however that is not his stated goal. The title of this thread is "My wife is cheating but I want to fix my marriage." Considering what the OP wants your suggestion doesn't help does it? If he wants to fix his marriage then the first thing he must do is end the affair. He has to make it very difficult to continue the affair and he needs to get the OM out of the picture. The quickest way to do that is to expose the relationship. Are you saying that exposing the relationship is not the best way to end the affair? Is that not what the prevailing advice is here on TAM? Is that not the advice given by Dr. Harley, Athol Kay, and countless others? Tell me, if the OP wants to save his marriage what should he do? Because that is what he asked.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> So you are giving the OP no choice. He must accept your suggestion regardless of what he wants to do? I also stated I thought he should probably file and move on however that is not his stated goal. The title of this thread is "My wife is cheating but I want to fix my marriage." Considering what the OP wants your suggestion doesn't help does it? If he wants to fix his marriage then the first thing he must do is end the affair. He has to make it very difficult to continue the affair and he needs to get the OM out of the picture. The quickest way to do that is to expose the relationship. Are you saying that exposing the relationship is not the best way to end the affair? Is that not what the prevailing advice is here on TAM? Is that not the advice given by Dr. Harley, Athol Kay, and countless others? Tell me, if the OP wants to save his marriage what should he do? Because that is what he asked.


I'm saying that the Op is trying to do the impossible and unless his wayward wife decides on her own to end the affair and come back to him then he's headed towards divorce. Suggestions made by members of this board to sabatoge the affair by exposing it to her superiors will not only be completely ineffective but will lead to a more complicated, higher conflict and more expensive divorce because she'll be out of a job, she'll blame him for it and he may very well end up supporting her for many years to come.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

hisfac said:


> I'm saying that the Op is trying to do the impossible and unless his wayward wife decides on her own to end the affair and come back to him then he's headed towards divorce. Suggestions made by members of this board to sabatoge the affair by exposing it to her superiors will not only be completely ineffective but will lead to a more complicated, higher conflict and more expensive divorce because she'll be out of a job, she'll blame him for it and he may very well end up supporting her for many years to come.


You may indeed be correct but if he wants to try to save his marriage it may very well be his only course of action. At this point if he won't divorce her he has very little to lose. Plus it has the added bonus of stopping extremely unethical behavior. I doubt very much her feelings toward him could get any lower. After all she's cheating on him. How much more can she do?

Like I said if I were the OP the first thing I would do is have her served and gather evidence to use against her and the OM. But its his choice in the end what he wants to do.

Edit: BTW, how many WS end the affair on their own? Mine did but frankly I haven't seen many others that weren't forced into NC.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

hisfac said:


> I'm saying that the Op is trying to do the impossible and unless his wayward wife decides on her own to end the affair and come back to him then he's headed towards divorce. Suggestions made by members of this board to sabatoge the affair by exposing it to her superiors will not only be completely ineffective but will lead to a more complicated, higher conflict and more expensive divorce because she'll be out of a job, she'll blame him for it and he may very well end up supporting her for many years to come.


You make it sound like that if he exposes and she happens to get fired, then if a divorce happens, he's going to have to hand over his entire check to her. This isn't the case. The judge will review her ABILITY to work and establish a payment from there. Once she gets another job (because she won't be able to live off of just alimony) then he can apply to the courts for an adjustment. Plus, in most states, there's and end time to alimony. 

SO! If she loses her job, chances are the OM is going to throw her under the bus. She might realize that she's stuck with no job, not enough money, bills of her own piling up, living in a crappy studio apartment and completely screwed. That might snap her out of her fog. That might make her realize what she's losing. 

Because right now, she lives in a home with a man that takes care of most everything and an ex junkie boyfriend on the side. What a great life she has right now with NO CONSEQUENCES!!! And if her cuckold of a husband (which you suggest that he be) gets out of line, all she has to do is threaten divorce to straighten him out!


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## Hurt84 (Mar 21, 2012)

Update:

I've confronted my wife. I told her that all I wanted for her was to be happy but that I can't continue living like this. I'm tired of her lies and deceit and I deserve better than that. I said that she either needs to go NC or move out. I drew my line in the sand.

She sat there stone-faced. I tried not to push for answers but I couldn't help. She said nothing, except that apparently I know everything already so why should she say anything. 

I'm not sure how realistic reconciliation is at this point but in reality, that's out of my control.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

There is no R, as long as she is keeping lover/lovers

You confronted her---she didn't break down/fall apart---she showed you nothing, and she gave you no info, no reomorse, no contriteness-----she is playing her hand, figuring you will eventually cave.

You need to stop with the talk, it is meaningless

I am sure you have read plenty of posts, so you know what you need to do in the way of actions, and actionable consequences----time for you to take control of what you do----you obviously will never control her.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

jnj express said:


> There is no R, as long as she is keeping lover/lovers
> 
> You confronted her---she didn't break down/fall apart---she showed you nothing, and she gave you no info, no reomorse, no contriteness-----she is playing her hand, figuring you will eventually cave.
> 
> ...


I agree. The stone face is a couple of things. She's in shock that you've found your balls. And number two, her mind was going a million miles a second trying to figure out a way to keep the status quo. And another is to figure out where she's going to go. How will she swing it.

But, I agree. no tears, no remorse.......that speaks volumes.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She does not even give a [email protected]


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> I would out her to her job simply because if she is having affairs with clients she shouldn't be trusted to do that job. Its unethical to say the least.
> 
> She can't be expected to uphold the morality of a marriage if she can't even uphold the morality of her work.


This. It isn't even about being vindictive. She should be reported because there is a reason there are laws against doctors and counselors/psychiatrists dating patients- it is an abuse of power and it can be used in a predatory way. 

She should be flat-out fired for dating a patient of any sort, and they might revoke her license, too. She should have thought of that before she started screwing around with this guy.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Hurt84 said:


> Update:
> 
> I've confronted my wife. I told her that all I wanted for her was to be happy but that I can't continue living like this. I'm tired of her lies and deceit and I deserve better than that. I said that she either needs to go NC or move out. I drew my line in the sand.
> 
> ...



She is stone faced because she is not in any way remorseful . Expose her affair to her work, the fantasy will only break once the lie has been exposed to those that affect her life . Her work and family affect her life, rattle her foggy world.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

Hurt84, You made a strong move by letting her know that you know and are not accepting it. 

Please also consider telling her the affair ends or you tell her job. This is very important, not only for your marriage, but for the recovery of anyone that she is working with. A counselor that has affairs with patients is not fit to counsel and she knows that. She's basically decided to turn her back on you and her own ethics as a professional.

Whatever you do decide, do not underestimate her, she has probably learned every tool in the trade of manipulation and deceit (Something anyone working with addicts learn fairly quickly if they are worth their salt as a counselor). Now instead of using her knowledge to protect herself against and working with clients/patients about it - she is using it against you. She has been lying and deceitful and she will become more so if she has no intention on ending the affair.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Should he give her a warning though? She will cover it up. And he would need evidence for that which he doesn't have now.


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

Its up to him if he gives her a warning or not. The proof would show up in the cell phone records, even if he can't supply the actual texts, the back and forth at all hours would show how engaged they are, which is much more than a counseling/recovery person. Plus the fact that she basically confessed to him by her statement of "There is nothing else to say since you all ready know everything". 

By him making the call, the facility would have to investigate. If that person is there under court orders, it could have further reaching consequences, and if he is there under his own volition, I doubt that his recovery is effective when having an affair with the counselor is taking precedence over his recovery.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

He needs to file the complaint with the state medical board---they would be the investigating agency--they would be the ones yanking her license

He now needs to stay manned up to her---as I am sure, she still thinks she can break him down

Some of this depends on who has the better job---If she does, she may consider him beneath her


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

She is certainly one cold hearted biatch. Face it, regardless of what you want, some marriages can't be fixed. You sound like a good guy. Get out. Take the dog (read Shamwow's thread). Find someone who can appreciate you.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Hurt84 said:


> Update:
> 
> I've confronted my wife..She sat there stone-faced. I tried not to push for answers but I couldn't help. She said nothing, except that apparently I know everything already so why should she say anything.
> 
> I'm not sure how realistic reconciliation is at this point but in reality, that's out of my control.


She sat there stone faced. No explanations, no apologies.

There is no realistic possibility of reconciliation and of course it's out of your control, the decision is hers, it's always been hers. It's perfectly clear that she doesn't want to be with you anymore.

You're headed for divorce, kick her ass to the curb and move on with your life. 

Plotting ways to try to stop the affair or get her fired aren't going to help you, they're only going to cost you big time in that you'll lose all hope for some sort of civil divorce and if she's out of a job there's a really good chance you'll be writing her a support check every month for a whole lotta years.

Don't heed the advice of those on this thread who are trying to encourage you to be some sort of "ethical ethics vigilante", it's not your problem and you've got other things to deal with.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Get tested for STD's.
See an attorney.

What a heartless cold bloodied person. Time to move on and find a much better woman which should not be difficult at all. Good luck.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

jnj express said:


> He needs to file the complaint with the state medical board---they would be the investigating agency--they would be the ones yanking her license
> 
> He now needs to stay manned up to her---as I am sure, she still thinks she can break him down
> 
> Some of this depends on who has the better job---If she does, she may consider him beneath her


She probably does, she already considers him far below her drunk boyfriend.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Actually the stone face could simply have been shock. I expect a counselor would have to develope some real control over showing emotion.

Just saying.


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

hisfac, that is the problem in today's society, "not your problem". I hope none of your loved ones ever have to deal with unethical people damaging their lives because no one wanted to hold them accountable. 

Hurt84, take care of yourself first, that I agree with. Contact an attorney to find out how to cover your bases. Getting checked for STDs is an excellent suggestion too. 

It is all going to come out in court anyway and chances are when it does you might not even have to be the one that makes the moves to protect the agency and the patients affected by your wife's stupidity.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

hisfac said:


> She sat there stone faced. No explanations, no apologies.
> 
> There is no realistic possibility of reconciliation and of course it's out of your control, the decision is hers, it's always been hers. It's perfectly clear that she doesn't want to be with you anymore.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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