# Question for the ladies about arousal



## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

My wife and I are both in our mid 40s and have been married for 21years. For most of our marriage sex was so so and often intermittent. When we had sex it usually took a lot of fore play to get her aroused and juices flowing so she could be assured an orgasm during intercourse. This was the norm for most of our marriage. 

Fast forward to late last year. Our marriage had gone sexless and we were basically living like room mates. I told her our marriage was doomed if we didn't take action and that I hoped she would join me in rebuilding it. My plan was simple. Ale my wife and my marriage #1 priority again and treat her like I did when we first met. I also got this of s lot if bad habits that hindered our marriage in one way or another. With both of is working on the marriage things turned around and it wasnt long before our sex life was back. 

Problem is, she went from being unarousable to so quickly aroused they sex is over before it began. With only maybe 5 minutes of passionate kissing and some stroking of her skin she is fully aroused and begging for intercourse. Sometimes she gets aroused faster than me. She usually wants no foreplay and if I attempt to slow things down she usually gets upset. 

Help. What can I do? I'm tired of sex that lasts maybe 15-20 minutes because she wants to rush through it. Is it possible for a woman to control her arousal at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I saw a poll once where most women voted for intercourse that lasted no more than 10 minutes but they wanted foreplay to last at least 15-20 mins. 

Are you saying she wants the full experience from start to finish to be 15-20mins?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

You are a man, and should be in control of sex. Don't get me wrong, she should have some say as well, but YOU are the one that's doing the work/control speed (unless she is riding you of course) and times etc.

Slow it down, don't make her cum too fast. When she pushes for it, take it out, maybe change position.....or just tell her to shut up and suck it or something along the line. 

Dominate her!!! Take control and get what you want. Now, don't take it to the extreme though and ALWAYS do it, but just take the lead and get what you are looking for.

When she is in the act, trust me....she WILL like more time....even when she is exhausted, keep it going!

As for sexless part. How much time do you and your wife spend together on weekly basis? Let's say you guys both sleep 8 hours a day and work 40 hour weeks. That leaves you with about 70 or so hours a week. How many of those hours are you doing things with your wife? What is it that you guys do?

Remember, for women, intimacy starts with one on one relationship/time investment and things you guys do together. The "LEAD UP" to sex is what you need to focus on.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I saw a poll once where most women voted for intercourse that lasted no more than 10 minutes but they wanted foreplay to last at least 15-20 mins.
> 
> Are you saying she wants the full experience from start to finish to be 15-20mins?


Yup. Other than kissing or a little petting, she might allow a minute or do of foreplay.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> Yup. Other than kissing or a little petting, she might allow a minute or do of foreplay.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What time of day are you guys attempting sex? I wouldn't accept it if my husband tried to rush me through sex. There would have to be some serious talking and logical answers for why he was rushing.

I used to get irritated when my ex would try to prolong sex bc I just wanted it to be over and done so I could do the things I was more interested in doing.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

DoF said:


> You are a man, and should be in control of sex. Don't get me wrong, she should have some say as well, but YOU are the one that's doing the work/control speed (unless she is riding you of course) and times etc.
> 
> Slow it down, don't make her cum too fast. When she pushes for it, take it out, maybe change position.....or just tell her to shut up and suck it or something along the line.
> 
> ...


By the first part of your response I'm gonna guess that your not a woman. That does not work with my wife at all. While she likes it a little rough at times and has no problem if I take the lead. She hates being dominated. 

The sexless thing is in the past. We have Rex several times a week and although we both work a ton of hours, we make it a priority to have ample amounts of quality time together. I also put in the time to pursue and romance her daily. I feel its because of this that she is easily aroused and ready for sex at any time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Is she typically an impatient person? The type who wants to jump up and leave the restaurant the minute she's through with her dessert?


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Is it possible she's faking to get it over with?


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Is she typically an impatient person? The type who wants to jump up and leave the restaurant the minute she's through with her dessert?


No. That's probably more me than her. But thinking back to years ago when she needed a LOT of foreplay. When she did reach the point where she was ready or she wanted me in her she was often demanding that I stop foreplay and enter her right away. So I guess it's just more of the same, but because we're doing so much better she didn't require the warmup time she used to. 

I'm not talking about quickies. Just normal sex at the end of the day under good conditions where she's not overly tired or hasn't had a crapy day. The kind of time where I'd like to relax and take my time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

huh.that's really odd then. Sounds like she wants to just get her orgasms and run lol 

I assume you've asked her directly about it...what does she say? she CAN control her arousal,absolutely. If she wants to that is.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

She's not faking. She has the higher sex drive and initiates most of the time. Plus she used to do stuff like that years ago. I would know it if she did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> huh.that's really odd then. Sounds like she wants to just get her orgasms and run lol
> 
> I assume you've asked her directly about it...what does she say? she CAN control her arousal,absolutely. If she wants to that is.


We have talked about it. A LOT. She says because if the state of our marriage it doesn't take much to get her aroused. She claims she cant control it much unless i do something to piss her off. She's a lousy liar, so I'd know if she was making it up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> By the first part of your response I'm gonna guess that your not a woman. That does not work with my wife at all. While she likes it a little rough at times and has no problem if I take the lead. She hates being dominated.


By dominating her, you give her no choice. 

What if YOU like dominating, will she compromise a bit, or is it ALL ABOUT HER.

From your post, it certainly seems that way. She is all about her self and has 0 regard for you or YOUR needs.

The balance is BROKEN and tipping towards her. It's your responsibility to balance it out!!!



Rayloveshiswife said:


> The sexless thing is in the past. We have Rex several times a week and although we both work a ton of hours, we make it a priority to have ample amounts of quality time together. I also put in the time to pursue and romance her daily. I feel its because of this that she is easily aroused and ready for sex at any time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You still didn't answer my question. How many hours in a week (our of 70 hours) are you guys together?

How many hours do you 2 work (sounds like that might be an issue too).


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Does she not want to be touched after she reaches her O? Is she rushing you to the point where you aren't fully erect and then feel pressure to get there and that is interfering with your full enjoyment?

What if she were to focus on arousing you and you not arousing her? What if she were to play with your package while you both cleaned the kitchen after dinner, do things to excite and entice you long before you begin to take your clothes off?

Essentially, I think the road to nirvana has been paved but you're both so accustomed to slowing down at each curve you've arrived before you even had a chance to get your seat belts on.

Time to find the back roads, change things up, alter the focus.


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## mpgunner (Jul 15, 2014)

Brains, bodies, chemistry and "skills" change over time. That is what makes sex so great.

But you both must agree that sex is a team thing do do/enjoy together and develop over time. If each of your sexual history/perspective is messed up then that can really get in the big time.

My wife stared to "O" quickly so we paused, started again and she "O" again with me. It has become a nice problem to have and I would trade it for anything. I'm wondering if your wife doesn't get the integration of sex in a relationship. No problem, that is easily solved with help.

DOF, sorry I don't get your angle. "dominate" is not something that works in the short/long term at all. I have come to learn that it is "all about her". Partly because her body/system is WAY MORE COMPLEX than guys. And learning to really please her will, I'll bet money, satisfy your needs very well. IMHO. I just wish I would have learned this faster in my 32 years of marriage.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

mpgunner said:


> DOF, sorry I don't get your angle. "dominate" is not something that works in the short/long term at all. I have come to learn that it is "all about her". *Partly because her body/system is WAY MORE COMPLEX than guys.* And learning to really please her will, I'll bet money, satisfy your needs very well. IMHO. I just wish I would have learned this faster in my 32 years of marriage.


There is so much wrong with above, I don't even know where to start.



He HAS been pleasing her will, and she cares 0 about his.

It's a 50/50 deal, not 90/10 or 100/0.....which what it seems to be right now.

Where are HIS needs/desires etc in ANY of his posts? Nowhere, she is selfish IMO.


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## Brandy905 (Apr 3, 2014)

Could it be hormones?? Peri-menoupause? I just hit such and increase in drive and ability to O these past few months, I'm 47.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Speaking from my own experience, there are MANY times where I just pull SO and "shove him in!!!" Can't stand to wait any longer!! A few years ago I was much more patient.

I am 48, perimenopausal, and guessing that a lot of it has to do with hormones.

OP, you should relish the fact that she wants you to b*ng her!! Imagine if it was the opposite.

Enjoy...


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

> Does she not want to be touched after she reaches her O? Is she rushing you to the point where you aren't fully erect and then feel pressure to get there and that is interfering with your full enjoyment?
> 
> What if she were to focus on arousing you and you not arousing her? What if she were to play with your package while you both cleaned the kitchen after dinner, do things to excite and entice you long before you begin to take your clothes off?


I do feel rushed and often she will want me in her before I'm fully errect. I've told her I need a little attention to and she is working on it.

If she did that, I'd clean the kitchen more.



> Brains, bodies, chemistry and "skills" change over time. That is what makes sex so great.
> 
> But you both must agree that sex is a team thing do do/enjoy together and develop over time. If each of your sexual history/perspective is messed up then that can really get in the way big time.


I fully agree with that. And honestly this is a new point in life for us. Our marriage is just getting back on firm footing for almost the first time ever. 

Also, she is a child abuse survivor and has recently had a huge breakthrough that allowed her to throw off most of the chains that have held her captive sexually since her teen years. Things are in flux and we are relearning each other and finding our way.



> There is so much wrong with above, I don't even know where to start.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Just because all my wants are not getting fulfilled does not mean my wife does not fulfill my needs.

I also don't see where 50/50 and Domination can exist in the same world.



> Speaking from my own experience, there are MANY times where I just pull SO and "shove him in!!!" Can't stand to wait any longer!! A few years ago I was much more patient.
> 
> I am 48, premenopausal, and guessing that a lot of it has to do with hormones.
> 
> ...


You sound like my wife. And beleive me, fast or slow I cherish the fact that my wife loves to have sex with me as often as we can. Especially remembering that less than a year ago we only had sex every 6-8 weeks.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> My wife and I are both in our mid 40s and have been married for 21years. For most of our marriage sex was so so and often intermittent. When we had sex it usually took a lot of fore play to get her aroused and juices flowing so she could be assured an orgasm during intercourse. This was the norm for most of our marriage.


I wish you never got into the sexless slump, but it sounds like you got out of it and never going back.



Rayloveshiswife said:


> Fast forward to late last year. Our marriage had gone sexless and we were basically living like room mates. I told her our marriage was doomed if we didn't take action and that I hoped she would join me in rebuilding it. My plan was simple. Ale my wife and my marriage #1 priority again and treat her like I did when we first met. I also got this of s lot if bad habits that hindered our marriage in one way or another. With both of is working on the marriage things turned around and it wasnt long before our sex life was back.


Got your sex life back What is the difference before and after in your general attitude and how the world feels to you?

Wasn't life bleak without sex?



Rayloveshiswife said:


> Problem is, she went from being unarousable to so quickly aroused they sex is over before it began. With only maybe 5 minutes of passionate kissing and some stroking of her skin she is fully aroused and begging for intercourse. Sometimes she gets aroused faster than me. She usually wants no foreplay and if I attempt to slow things down she usually gets upset.


Wow! Her response is triggered off of your desire. I had it like that for 17 years. It's great. Wife knows they want to please you, you have desire and it doesnt' take jumping through a million hoops to get her hot.

Awesome before and after, I betcha there is no way you could go back to the way it was. You could write a mini pamphlet on how you took this bull by the horns and turned the situation.



Rayloveshiswife said:


> Help. What can I do? I'm tired of sex that lasts maybe 15-20 minutes because she wants to rush through it. Is it possible for a woman to control her arousal at all.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think you gotta enjoy it. Think about what you had before. This is a much better compromise and I'd be super happy if this is what I had to "put up" with.

Your wife has been turned back on.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

I'm having a little bit of a similar problem, just not as severe as what you are experiencing. My wife is a one-and-doner. I would love it if she was multi-orgasmic, but she's not. And it seems that recently, we have both declined in our ability to edge, that is to hang in that super heightened sexual plateau just before orgasm for an extended period of time. As we have gotten older, we have gone up to the edge and tried to pull back, only to lose everything.and go back down to an unexcited state. 

I LOVE foreplay and could do it for hours but my wife gets excited a little too quickly and she's unable to pull back and enjoy the "ride" so to speak. It's like once she's on the path to orgasm, she can't stop or slow down or the whole experience will be lost. I love to perform oral on her and just tease...and tease....and tease...but I have learned that I can only do this for a short time before she either has to orgasm or lose the whole thing.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> Ray I have the same problem as your wife, except I WANT to last longer than I usually do in certain of my fav positions. And oral is almost instant. I think its the way I am built because I do org through PIV easily.
> 
> Ironically I said something about this issue on TAM before and a lot of the men seem to think that was GREAT. I can have more than one org but if the first one is too quick, then it will not be simultaneous with my H so I rather just be able to last longer. I actually felt like it was the female equivalent of PE.
> 
> Lately I talk to my H about this and told him I want him to help me last longer. It is definitely working but I know most women dont want to go with what he we are doing. But it is permission to org along with edging and although I don't like the edging part in and of itself, it is extremely erotic to me and it is helping.


How did you feel about the guy on here who said his wife was complaining because he can last TOO long? He trained himself over the years to be able to go 2+ hrs consistently and she was complaining about soreness and that it was too much.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Zatol Ugot? said:


> I LOVE foreplay and could do it for hours but my wife gets excited a little too quickly and she's unable to pull back and enjoy the "ride" so to speak. It's like once she's on the path to orgasm, she can't stop or slow down or the whole experience will be lost. I love to perform oral on her and just tease...and tease....and tease...but I have learned that I can only do this for a short time before she either has to orgasm or lose the whole thing.


Sounds like we have similar wives sexually. Mine is exactly the same. But as Treyvion said. I've got a good thing. Good or bad, many men on this board would kill for sex with their wives 3-4 times a week. And things are REALLY good considering where we were not to long ago. Ive had sex with my wife more in the last three weeks than I did ALL last year. 

So I'm gonna look at what I have and try not to wish for more. The spot I'm standing in right now is so much better than where I thought I'd ever be. Time to lay back and be thankful.

Ray


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> Sounds like we have similar wives sexually. Mine is exactly the same. But as Treyvion said. I've got a good thing. Good or bad, many men on this board would kill for sex with their wives 3-4 times a week. And things are REALLY good considering where we were not to long ago. Ive had sex with my wife more in the last three weeks than I did ALL last year.


For many of the people here they could exceed what they got in year(s) in 1 or 2 days.



Rayloveshiswife said:


> So I'm gonna look at what I have and try not to wish for more. The spot I'm standing in right now is so much better than where I thought I'd ever be. Time to lay back and be thankful.
> 
> Ray


I still remember the days that the thought of being stripped down to two days a week was physically painful to consider.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

Maybe it's just me, but mine and H's relationship is awesome (of course, we've been married for 2 years in September) and I am aroused just by looking at him cause of the romance he gives me. The way I am is that once me and H start foreplay, I enjoy that until I get to that point where I'm like "Get it in! Now!" and there's no turning back. We must start love making at that point. lol. Maybe it's a woman thing! I think she's just a lot more turned on by you and she wants to get straight to sex (good thing).


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> Good or bad, many men on this board would kill for sex with their wives 3-4 times a week.


Unfortunately, my frequency is no where near this. Probably averages out to maybe once every 10-12 days or so. Comes and goes in spurts (no pun intended).


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Can she only orgasm once? Can you penetrate her without you cumming? She may not need as much foreplay to O anymore but that doesn't mean the two of you have to be one and done.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> Sounds like we have similar wives sexually. Mine is exactly the same. But as Treyvion said. I've got a good thing. Good or bad, many men on this board would kill for sex with their wives 3-4 times a week. And things are REALLY good considering where we were not to long ago. Ive had sex with my wife more in the last three weeks than I did ALL last year.
> 
> So I'm gonna look at what I have and try not to wish for more. The spot I'm standing in right now is so much better than where I thought I'd ever be. Time to lay back and be thankful.
> 
> Ray


Oh...don't give up so quickly. I mean, yes, be grateful for what you have now AND keep trying.


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## mpgunner (Jul 15, 2014)

committed4ever said:


> Lately I talk to my H about this and told him I want him to help me last longer. It is definitely working but I know most women dont want to go with what he we are doing. But it is permission to org along with edging and although I don't like the edging part in and of itself, it is extremely erotic to me and it is helping.


This is a great step and we started on this a while ago. You women have a pretty complex system that guys need to practice, and I mean practice, to improve and stay in "shape". Working to prolong means I need to be very sensitive to her and not get lost in me. What a fun area to work on!


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## JustAnotherMan (Jun 27, 2012)

dear Ray, 

The changing may not be over...enjoy the ride. My wife learned to be multi orgasmic. After her O I wasn't done and kept going. Throw in a bit of extra stimulation for her and away she went.

I wish she could have kept up the pace...back to once a week and mostly duty sex.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

So she gets really "ready" and wants PIV, which hurries you. 

I agree that she is missing out on some awesome intimacy..... the "playing" part.  

But when it's PIV.... can you not extend that part? I know everyone is different, but my H can do PIV for at least an hour. And during that time, there is a lot of playing that is similar to foreplay. 

So 3 ideas:

1. Extend the PIV time..... for YOUR enjoyment. I can't imagine she'd protest this.

2. Talk to her about getting YOU all ready first, since she is getting ready alot quicker these days. (It might even out after awhile)

3. Look into tantric sex....it's hot and romantic, not all about the O, but I can't imagine someone not liking it. I'd research it, set it up....candles, oils, whatever.... and TRY it. I'd get a book on it, so she could later look into things to try for YOU.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Just because she gets aroused quickly doesn't mean the sex has to be quick. Make her beg for it. 

Women can easily have multiple O's

The word dominate sometimes invokes S&M and other bad qualities, but in reality someone is always in control and the other is more submissive. Most women through upbringing expect a strong confident man who takes charge. That would be being dominate. Now while no one is the same from your first post you sound like you are the submissive one here. And while these tables can turn from one encounter to the next it can be liberating to know your role or switch them up.

Personally I would question why she is so easily aroused and wants it so quickly. Without knowing her it sounds like other activities throughout the day are making her aroused so easily.


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> No. That's probably more me than her. But thinking back to years ago when she needed a LOT of foreplay. When she did reach the point where she was ready or she wanted me in her she was often demanding that I stop foreplay and enter her right away. So I guess it's just more of the same, but because we're doing so much better she didn't require the warmup time she used to.
> 
> I'm not talking about quickies. Just normal sex at the end of the day under good conditions where she's not overly tired or hasn't had a crapy day. The kind of time where I'd like to relax and take my time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I get like your wife at times, it can last a couple of months. I get so aroused so fast that I just want to get down and dirty.

I say enjoy this, she is so turned on by you that she just cant wait 

Her hormones are in tune right now, I'm currently going the other way with needing a warm up first and my husband want to know why for weeks I'm bouncing off the walls and the next time he has to have foreplay to get me going. 

I wish he would just enjoy the fact that I'm ready when ever he wants it and not wonder why my body makes up its own rules.

I will get in my own head and start to question also then it takes me longer to get there or he kills it all together because I'm trying so hard.

Your doing everything right and she is in full desire mode...Enjoy it!!


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## EMZED (Jul 29, 2014)

So she's aroused and begging for you. This doesn't seem like a huge problem.

But it seems like she is wanting to get to the penis-in-vagina part before you are ready. Does this mean that you are not fully erect yet? If so, you can just talk to her. Say you really enjoy sex with her, but she seems to have faster blood flow than you do and you need a few more minutes to get hard before you can have intercourse. Hopefully, she can help by stimulating that part of you with hands or mouth.

However, if you are fully erect and do want to have sex, then just go for it! If she has an orgasm before you're done, it doesn't really matter. Women's sexual responses are different from men and they are often able to keep going after one orgasm.


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