# Rough Days, want to avoid driving DS away



## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I'm sure many of you who are rebuilding have rough days, so I'm looking for advice on what you do to keep from picking at the infidelity scab with your DS.

This weekend was the 1 year mark for when my H started his affair. I've been struggling all weekend and took a hit today by finally finding an old email he sent the OW last year. Up to this point I had never read one and reading it didn't do me any favors.

How do you balance the line between venting and expressing your hurt without discouraging your DS? I want to text him or email him the old email, but I know it will just distract him the rest of the day at work. Mondays are always his toughest day. It's like you're torn between wanting to punish or rub their nose it, but don't want them to question why they're even trying with you in the first place.

It's been almost 5 months since d-day and we have good days and I worry that my H is discouraged when I still get bad days. He knows logically that it's normal and to be expected, but that doesn't mean he's not going to still get down by the process.

I have no more questions to ask him about his affair and want to stop dwelling. Most days I'm good about leaving it be, but some days I can't help put pick at it. Do you ever stop getting the urge to pick and dwell about the affair?


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Answered my own question I guess. 

H texted and must've known something was up and asked how I was doing. I was honest, but not acusatory. He maned up and agreed it sucked and was supportive. Said he feels strong and wants to help me through the rough patches. Also said he felt mentally more committed to me than ever before.

He did have an interesting take that helped too. Said, "Just think if you would've found that email today and knew nothing. We would be just starting 'discovery' today and not already 5 months into rebuilding."

Have to remember that any pretty words he said to the OW were rewarded with pretty words she said back to him, so they both were enjoying the ego stroke and encouraging it. So I'll stop trying to analyze how heartfelt and meaningful they were. Like rats in a lab, they press the lever to get a pellet in return. 

Feel better now that I talked to my H about it, so think that's the key. Don't stew, but don't be needlessly confrontational. Get it off your chest so you can move on to something better. Like going for a walk on a sunny day!


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

Aww, I am pleased to read the resolve! I read your OP earlier but didn't know what to say. I wish you the best of luck and continued recovery.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I hope you don't mind my pointing out that this was a GREAT example of transparency on YOUR part. That is to say, if you had not said anything but felt a bit triggery, you would have been covering up your true self and been hiding things from him. So yeah, it probably hurt some to be reminded of his foolishness, but you were PRESENT and you were HONEST...and it lead to building a better, more open marriage and emotional intimacy between you and your husband. 

So "GOOD JOB!!"


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Thanks affaircare! It's amazing how quickly my mood shifted after I talked to my H, pays to be open emotionally even if it's not always with happy thoughts. It seems even the hurtles can bring us closer together.


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## purplehaze (May 23, 2011)

Hi Just read your first posting - 15 months since I found out and to be honest I seem to be having more bads days now that before . It really gets to me that the DS is the one who has all the fun but it s us LS that endup picking up the pieces emotionally and mentally . 
Am trying to move on and not dwell but it s hard . Have started running again and thinking about doing half marathon at xmas so hoping the training and preperation will help - but still - Life is a *****!


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

That's one of my long term fears Purplehaze, that I'll be resentful of the fun he got to have. Wouldn't everyone love to experience that fantasy of falling in love again? Getting to know someone, flirty emails, romantic trysts, and just the discovery of compatiability. Of course what I'm building with my H is deeper and more meaningful, but he got to take a "time out" and escape real life for a few months.

My H has said that if these feelings only get stronger over time, that he wants me to get it out of my system. If I need to date, flirt, or have sex with someone else he just wants me to be honest about what I'm doing and let him know. He won't like it, but will wait for me to figure it out. Seems counter productive to building a stronger relationship together, so I'm hoping the days I have the urge to get "payback" will diminish over time. I'll let you know where I'm at in 10 more months!


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

its a process no doubt but one that can be shortened by concentrating on forgiveness.

that is, if u focus on books/tapes/shows and avoid the same list of the opposite pt of view that feeds yer fears/problem
then with some spiritual help from the HSpirit (i call H>S>)
teaching about the sacrifice and forgiveness Jesus gave us 
all, you'd be able to forgive quicker.

if u rely on yer own strength, then u get whatever yer little
weak mind/frame can muster (which isnt much in comparison).

feed on the positive, eliminate the negative. Believe in God
whom has made provision for u in this and many other areas
of yer life.

dont, u wont. then u'll only draw on fellow do-it yerselfers here
and other places to whine n have pity parties i presume.

was true for me. others who r honest admit its been true for them too.

i come here to help, via what i've read seen heard and experienced, which is alot but also to learn more if someone more mature/learned than myself is prowling these here 
"waters".

shalom/FONT]


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Thanks cb45, I'll keep that in my thoughts too! 

Have already told H, I want to renew our vows someday. They feel broken to me. They day we renew our vows will be the day I can say I've truly forgiven him. I know it takes more strength to forgive than I'm capable of right now, so I keep striving to become stronger.... mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

Good for you Saffron. It's only been about 10 days for me so still trying to work through a lot. But one thing I have discussed with my spouse is that when we both feel like we're there that I want to renew vows as well.

Funny thing about that is she has said she feels we still have issues to deal with and that her affair was only a symptom of our issues. Sigh...


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

It does get better StrugglingMan, those first few weeks are the worst. Affairs are symptoms of marital issues, but also of personal issues with the DS. Hopefully you'll find a good MC to help you both. 

Our MC is working on both me and my H at the same time instead of IC. She says it "sticks" more to work on your personal issues together. Of course, we tackle marital problems as well.

I'm learning that marriage is not something you can coast through and people really need to work to keep it healthy. At the same time, we have to keep growing as individuals.

Our MC said something last week I really liked. She believes it's immature when peopls say, "That's just the way I am." Her respose is, "What, are you dead?" Her thought is that we should always be growing and changing as we age. If we're "done" then what is the point of experiences and living life? We limit ourselves and sell ourselves short by allowing stagnation in our own growing maturity and development. We're not done growing until life is over.

Living through infidelity is one big experience that both my H and I are learning a lot from, it's not easy but it is enlightening.


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## purplehaze (May 23, 2011)

True in some ways I feel a lot stronger now that before D Day and I know if he ever did it again I would chuck him out and bring as much s&*t as possible down on him . I have already taken steps to protect myself - getting copies of all paper work moving savings into my name "for tax purposes" . I do want marriage to work but as the saying goes - "fool me once . . .


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