# Court Date



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Well, I got the dreaded email about the Court Date being set this morning. July 29. The date my 25-year marriage officially ends. I knew it was coming, yet here is this now old, familiar pain.

I wish there were a pill we could take one time that would shut down the grief process altogether. I know it's natural, we all have to go through it, yada, yada. I've had enough of this one, and I'd just really like it to stop.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> Well, I got the dreaded email about the Court Date being set this morning. July 29. The date my 25-year marriage officially ends. I knew it was coming, yet here is this now old, familiar pain.
> 
> I wish there were a pill we could take one time that would shut down the grief process altogether. I know it's natural, we all have to go through it, yada, yada. I've had enough of this one, and I'd just really like it to stop.


I agree about the pill! Big, big hugs. That seemed like it happened so fast. I hope once the ink is dry, the closure will allow you to move forward in peace and happiness. You're a great lady.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

It did happen fast because he pushed it to. He's going away for training with the airline for five weeks that evening, and he didn't want it "hanging over his head" because I "know how stressful training is" for him.

So, still being technically married to me was something he didn't want hanging over his head. When I've been nothing but reasonable and cooperative in this whole process. Perhaps too much so, considering the cause of it is his exit affair.

I've been remaining friendly with him, telling myself it was for our son's sake. No, it was because I couldn't let go. Time to do that. I'll never badmouth him to our son, and I'll always be civil to him in front of him. But he is not my friend - he hasn't been for a long time. Time to stop being his.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

So were you ever close to this dude at all? Were there fireworks and such? Twenty five years is a long time. He could croak in six months being that old. I don't know how many of his "good years" you think you are going to miss w him at this point.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Sorry NMB, even though you knew it was coming it still hurts. It did seem to happen really fast. He isn't really thinking about what he is doing or the fallout obviously. 

It does get better, it just takes time.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Dude007 said:


> He could croak in six months being that old.


What?!?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> What?!?



Who knows, looks like someone is just baiting.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> What?!?


What I mean is the future is UNKNOWABLE...She only assumes she is "Missing out" on something hence the grief from loss..But loss of what? What exactly is the loss she will experience going forward? We don't know. The memories are all still there from the past. And remember, a lot of your bonding with your SO is when they aren't even around. Thinking about this and that, etc. during the day. There is nothing to say she can't still think about all the times together in a joyful way once she heals.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Dude, you're about as sensitive as he is. Sheesh.

That said, you make a valid point. There were fireworks in the beginning, yes. We were physically attracted to each other, and also compatible in terms of beliefs, interests, education, finances, careers. Were we ever close? Not like soul mates, not inseparable, not madly in love, no. We had both recently been in a relationship like that and had been deeply burned by infidelity - me in a six-month, exclusive, I thought, relationship. He in an 18-month marriage. I think we were both looking for someone who wasn't a drama ***** and thought we'd found that in each other.

I would characterize our marriage as just calm, and we laughed all the time.

I think he disconnected emotionally from me years ago - as early as two years into our marriage. Or maybe he never fully connected, because he still really did need some drama (with that usually comes wild passion). He really didn't spend enough time figuring his own sh!t out after he divorced. Their divorce had only been final for six months when we met, and he'd had another exclusive relationship (with a drama *****) for three of those months that also ended badly.

I know what you're getting at, Dude - no, I don't want this man I now finally know fully back. But I'm having a much harder time turning my back on a relationship I've spent 27 years in, and the life we built together, than he is. Much harder. And that stings.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

"I know what you're getting at, Dude - no, I don't want this man I now finally know fully back. But I'm having a much harder time turning my back on a relationship I've spent 27 years in, and the life we built together, than he is. Much harder. And that stings."

"But I'm having a much harder time turning my back on a relationship I've spent 27 years in"<--Why are you turning your back on this? Did you not have a great son together, build things, laugh...Maybe he was perfect for those years, but terrible for next 27(If he lives that long)..My point you may have lost NOTHING?! You admit this is possible right?


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

Nomorebeans said:


> Well, I got the dreaded email about the Court Date being set this morning. July 29. The date my 25-year marriage officially ends. I knew it was coming, yet here is this now old, familiar pain.
> 
> I wish there were a pill we could take one time that would shut down the grief process altogether. I know it's natural, we all have to go through it, yada, yada. I've had enough of this one, and I'd just really like it to stop.



I'm sorry NMB. I know you're hurting. I think I'll go home and kiss my wife of nearly 40 years. Gosh is she a blessing. Still so wonderful after all these years.

I know it's of little consolation but short and quick sure beats long and drawn out. Go read Honcho's thread. Going on three years for him and no end in sight.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

NMB, I'm sorry for your pain, but not sorry its quick. There are some on this board who have been stuck in divorce court for more than a year. Quick is better.

Ending a +25yr marriage hurts, and if it doesn't hurt then there is something seriously wrong. I remember thinking my ex would feel some remorse or sorrow at the ending of our marriage. When I texted him that the judge had finally signed our decree his only response was "MEH" I had to ask one of my teens what that meant.

You are absolutely correct he is NOT your friend. He will not be there for you, he will not factor your feelings into anything he does, he will not permit his life to be inconvenienced by a prior marriage. It sounds harsh, but you need to start repeating this to yourself. This part of your life has come to an end. Now onward to the new life!


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

You're right, Pluto. And I will start repeating that to myself. I'm fairly certain he'll walk out of that courtroom feeling relieved, and the first person he'll share the happy news with will be his GF.

He is not my friend. He will not be there for me (he never had been, so that won't be a stretch), and he will not be inconvenienced by a prior marriage.

True, that.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Do ya'll really think someone who ends a long term marriage doesn't have remorse or sadness? I'm only contemplating it and I'm almost out of my skin with hurt already. Lets try and see the other side at least a little bit...DUDE


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

I'm envious you got the deal done that quick. Let's hope you have no last minute theatrics from him to create a delay. 

While the thought of the official end does hurt its far better getting a fast deal done than the bloodbath too many divorces turn into.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Dude, he has already gone through the grieving process - he admitted it to me himself. He checked out of the marriage without telling me that's how he was feeling about three years ago, went through the process without me (and had help getting through it from the other affair I now suspect he had at that time, before even meeting the current one), and at the point he finally told me he wanted to separate, had long since fully detached and ceased to care.

You're right in that at some point early on those three years ago, as he told me, he cried like a baby when he realized it was over. One time. For about a minute. And that was apparently all he needed to get me out of his system. Not every night after going to bed for more than two months, sometimes for over an hour. Sometimes so gut-wrenchingly that he felt like his insides were coming apart. He didn't lose 25 pounds. In fact, he's gained weight after being skinny all his life. 

I'm sure he believes he suffered a great deal of pain at the thought of the end of the marriage. For an emotionally anorexic narcissist incapable of both empathy and sympathy, one minute of sobbing must have felt like a nervous breakdown.

What he believes and what is true are generally two very different things. 

If you're trying to get my hackles up remembering what an insensitive turd he is and has been through this whole process, you're doing a fine job.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Honcho, in general, you're right. And I know you speak from experience. But I didn't want this divorce. And yet I've been nothing but cooperative with his wish to "get on with it" as he's said (with his obese GF who I can only assume must be a freak in bed because it's all she has to offer), because I'm a reasonable, mature person who sees no point in standing in the way of someone who's already gone.

I'm glad it hasn't gotten uglier than what he's done already is, but that's primarily to my credit. What hurts is his treating me as if I've been acting like your wife and others who drag it out from spite. He could have waited until his training is over in September and gone to court then. But suddenly he's in a rush to go from filing to finalization within 30 days, and wonders why that makes me feel bad.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

He checked out of the marriage without telling me that's how he was feeling about three years ago, went through the process without me (and had help getting through it from the other affair I now suspect he had at that time, before even meeting the current one), and at the point he finally told me he wanted to separate, had long since fully detached and ceased to care. <-I realize he didn't tell you and shame on him but are you telling me all this drama went on with him and you hadn't a CLUE he was grieving, fully detached, and ceased to care....Sounds like the marriage was dead long ago..I believe he suffered more than you might think and tack on affairage he has coming which we know won't work and he will be a lonely broken dude. Lets show a little empathy here as we both know he is a train wreck. You can be bigger than this and when you see how broken he is you will forgive and your resentment will fall to absolute ZERO....I'm here to help! Dude


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Dude007 said:


> Do ya'll really think someone who ends a long term marriage doesn't have remorse or sadness? I'm only contemplating it and I'm almost out of my skin with hurt already. Lets try and see the other side at least a little bit...DUDE


Nomorebeans' husband isn't just ending the marriage. He's in an exit affair and she thinks it's not the first affair he's had. He found the way out that makes it easier for him but harder for her and ran with it. So she's got a lot more to deal with than the relationship ending. She's got to deal with the betrayal and and selfish way he's doing it. Imagine someone who's been your partner for 25 years ending things like this.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Thundarr said:


> Nomorebeans' husband isn't just ending the marriage. He's in an exit affair and she thinks it's not the first affair he's had. He found the way out that makes it easier for him but harder for her and ran with it. So she's got a lot more to deal with than the relationship ending. She's got to deal with the betrayal and and selfish way he's doing it. Imagine someone who's been your partner for 25 years ending things like this.



I agree its hurtful, please understand for a second, seeing the other side, how broken he is and entering an affairage(or whatever) is a gun to his head and WE ALL KNOW IT. My point is, she loved the dude, he's killing himself off for all to see so HE is the one hurting FAR MORE THAN NMB. NMB seems to found the proper way to cope and will be dating a cabana boy a year from now while her ex has basically ended himself mentally/emotionally, and may also physically at some point. Once she SEES that he is the one that is REALLY permanently hurt, her resentment will fall to zero and she will even feel sorry for him which is very tharapeutic and furthers her healing which I guarantee will be RAPID.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Nomorebeans said:


> Honcho, in general, you're right. And I know you speak from experience. But I didn't want this divorce. And yet I've been nothing but cooperative with his wish to "get on with it" as he's said (with his obese GF who I can only assume must be a freak in bed because it's all she has to offer), because I'm a reasonable, mature person who sees no point in standing in the way of someone who's already gone.
> 
> I'm glad it hasn't gotten uglier than what he's done already is, but that's primarily to my credit. What hurts is his treating me as if I've been acting like your wife and others who drag it out from spite. He could have waited until his training is over in September and gone to court then. But suddenly he's in a rush to go from filing to finalization within 30 days, and wonders why that makes me feel bad.


I didn't want my divorce action and I bent over backwards to give her an easy deal. I wanted nothing more than to cut the deal while she was in affairland. 

Being cooperative for you now is best long term. It gives you the ability to heal faster and get him out of your life in the legal sense. A few extra bucks in a settlement aren't worth the turmoil of divorce/limbo life. 

By the end of Sept his current affair will probably be over. Don't listen to too much of what he had to say that he grieved already etc. Its most likely just babble from him. He is concentrating on the new "soulmate" and the magical world of affair land. His inflated ego won't allow him to grieve. I'd lay odds he probably feels he could come back to you because he is that "great". You wouldn't let a catch like him go. This is the mentality they seem to take on. 

He will realize what he has lost eventually and by then you won't care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

honcho said:


> By the end of Sept his current affair will probably be over. Don't listen to too much of what he had to say that he grieved already etc. Its most likely just babble from him. He is concentrating on the new "soulmate" and the magical world of affair land. His inflated ego won't allow him to grieve. I'd lay odds he probably feels he could come back to you because he is that "great". You wouldn't let a catch like him go. This is the mentality they seem to take on.
> 
> He will realize what he has lost eventually and by then you won't care.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So again, WHO IS REALLY HURT IN THE END MORE, NMB OR HER STBXH?(Hint: Not Beanie Baby)


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Dude007 said:


> So again, WHO IS REALLY HURT IN THE END MORE, NMB OR HER STBXH?(Hint: Not Beanie Baby)


His wounds are self inflicted, she didn't ask for any of this. Exactly how bad should we feel for someone who is getting exactly what he wants? 

If/when his perceived fairy tale life falls apart he can get an account on TAM and deal with his hurt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

You're both right, Honcho and Dude - he will be. I guess I'm impatient to get to that time when he does fully realize that, finally has some real regret that lasts more than a minute, and meets head-on the repercussions of his actions.

If he does experience feelings like normal people, which I doubt, he's quite good at keeping them to himself. So I may never know for sure. 

Honcho, sorry I got your history wrong. That is monumentally sh!tty of your wife to be doing when her nonsense largely caused the whole thing in the first place. You're right again - I should be glad he's rushing it while he's still in The Fog, and before he gets talking to his pilot friends who start telling him he's given me way too generous of a settlement.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

honcho said:


> His wounds are self inflicted, she didn't ask for any of this. Exactly how bad should we feel for someone who is getting exactly what he wants?
> 
> If/when his perceived fairy tale life falls apart he can get an account on TAM and deal with his hurt.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Who didn't ask for any of this? Who goes into a marriage expecting to not have problems or even divorce? This is the cost(hurt/pain) of loving/marrying another human being. Its all about the experience, right? Some lose a child, some get divorced, others get cancer, some survive cancer. ITS ABOUT LIVING AND THE EXPERIENCE...THANKFULLY WE CAN FEEL AND HAVE JOY...He will be hurting far worse so lets just keep that in mind. And when GF cheats on him? What will he do to himself? TAM? I think not.....DUDE


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Don't get your hopes up that he will ever have an AHA moment and realize what he's thrown away. My abusive serial cheating ex has been gone three years and feels no guilt or remorse. He does not mourn the end of our relationship. It is not in him. He is a damaged and prefers not to accept the help that is available.

Dude may have regret, and I'm sure many do when ending a long-term marriage, regardless of their particular situations. But I assure you that not all do. I have no emotion left for my ex and will not attempt to consider his feelings. It is no longer of any consequence, he has seen to that.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Pluto2 said:


> Don't get your hopes up that he will ever have an AHA moment and realize what he's thrown away. My abusive serial cheating ex has been gone three years and feels no guilt or remorse. He does not mourn the end of our relationship. It is not in him. He is a damaged and prefers not to accept the help that is available.
> 
> Dude may have regret, and I'm sure many do when ending a long-term marriage, regardless of their particular situations. But I assure you that not all do. I have no emotion left for my ex and will not attempt to consider his feelings. It is no longer of any consequence, he has seen to that.


I hear ya, so do you think I'm handling my sitch well? I mean, I'm detaching and its killing me. Its really no ones fault, we never had much in common and now I'm just grieving I didn't see it a long time ago.(Maybe thought I'd never care w kids and all to keep us busy) What a beat down!!! I have absolutely no interest in cheating to alleviate my pain. I would rather find someone more compatible some day but it will take a few years for me to get over this sitch. I want to be strong physical/emotional going into the 3rd qtr of my life...


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Dude007 said:


> I hear ya, so do you think I'm handling my sitch well? I mean, I'm detaching and its killing me. Its really no ones fault, we never had much in common and now I'm just grieving I didn't see it a long time ago.(Maybe thought I'd never care w kids and all to keep us busy) What a beat down!!! I have absolutely no interest in cheating to alleviate my pain. I would rather find someone more compatible some day but it will take a few years for me to get over this sitch. I want to be strong physical/emotional going into the 3rd qtr of my life...


Dude, from what you write is seems completely appropriate. Any reasonably sound person would mourn the end of a relationship. Those of us who've had to deal with infidelity have an additional scar to heal, separate from a divorce. Its healthy to reflect on what happened in the marriage, consider the part you've played in it, and work to change those aspects. And I'm definitely in favor of taking your time before entering another relationship, but that's me. Do you have a thread?


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

He actually does have a thread that I hijacked at one point. Sort of. I was trying to advise him that he should let his wife in on the fact that he's detaching from her before he ceases to care about her altogether and is ripe for an affair. And projecting just a little, like I do. But I meant well. He likes a little payback, it seems.

Anyway, I'm looking for true, heartfelt remorse - regret for hurting me and his son, not for being revealed. I'll get blood from a stone first.

When I told him that saying he was rushing the court date because he didn't want "it" hanging over his head any longer made me feel like he thought of me as some b!tch he couldn't wait to be rid of, his response was, "I'm sorry you feel that way."

Yeah. He's really suffering.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> He actually does have a thread that I hijacked at one point. Sort of. I was trying to advise him that he should let his wife in on the fact that he's detaching from her before he ceases to care about her altogether and is ripe for an affair. And projecting just a little, like I do. But I meant well. He likes a little payback, it seems.
> 
> Anyway, I'm looking for true, heartfelt remorse - regret for hurting me and his son, not for being revealed. I'll get blood from a stone first.
> 
> ...


He's not suffering. Insufferable, but not suffering! 

Speaking of insufferable, my ex just picked up my daughter with his sex kitten in the truck with him. First time I've actually had to "see" her. That sucked.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

SecondTime'Round said:


> He's not suffering. Insufferable, but not suffering!
> 
> Speaking of insufferable, my ex just picked up my daughter with his sex kitten in the truck with him. First time I've actually had to "see" her. That sucked.


Sending hugs STR (((hugs)))

I had a college friend from NH, who would say at times like these "that $ucks rancid moose [email protected]" Its a New Hampshire thing, I guess, but there are times it just fits.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

"I've actually had to "see" her. That sucked."

Wonder why this is, I've seen my first wife w dudes since we divorced 21 years ago. It never bothered me. I guess I'm of the personality that it's their loss, so I naturally feel sorry for them having to go the rest of their life w out me. That's why so hesitant to leave current marriage. I'm just that cool, especially when drinking a beer! Ha


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I've heard "That suck$ dead donkey d!cks."

That definitely must suck. Sorry, STR. Had you not ever seen her in person before? I dread that craptastic day, myself.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> I've heard "That suck$ dead donkey d!cks."
> 
> That definitely must suck. Sorry, STR. Had you not ever seen her in person before? I dread that craptastic day, myself.


Then, I had to see them again 40 minutes later at a weird/tight intersection on my way back from taking my niece home! Ugh! I gave them a huge smile and wave, and he just stared straight ahead, acted like he didn't even see me. I've met her exactly once in person and it was by accident, but that was his first time around with her. That was 4 years ago. She has no lips.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Nomorebeans said:


> I've heard "That suck$ dead donkey d!cks."
> 
> That definitely must suck. Sorry, STR. Had you not ever seen her in person before? I dread that craptastic day, myself.


It doesn't always suck. I didn't meet my ex's OM until after I'd already come to terms with the fact that I didn't want ex anyway because she wasn't who I thought she was. It didn't bother me to see OM, it didn't bother me when they married and I didn't take pleasure when they divorced.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Then, I had to see them again 40 minutes later at a weird/tight intersection on my way back from taking my niece home! Ugh! I gave them a huge smile and wave, and he just stared straight ahead, acted like he didn't even see me. I've met her exactly once in person and it was by accident, but that was his first time around with her. That was 4 years ago. *She has no lips.*


*


My Ex's tramp has a horse face and a huge toothy Mayor McCheese smile. NMB's STBX chose an obese woman even though he is normally a fat shamer. It is funny how you build them up in your imagination to be bombshells and then you see what they picked:surprise: Idiots, anyone who has an endless supply of their "ego chow" is perfect for the job.*


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Thundarr said:


> It doesn't always suck. I didn't meet my ex's OM until after I'd already come to terms with the fact that I didn't want ex anyway because she wasn't who I thought she was. It didn't bother me to see OM, it didn't bother me when they married and I didn't take pleasure when they divorced.


I like to hope I'll have come to terms with that by the time that day rolls around, if it does. He's not the least bit in a hurry to even introduce her to our son. Which speaks volumes.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Big hugs today @Nomorebeans!!! 

Today is the first day of the rest of YOUR life.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Big hugs today @Nomorebeans!!!
> 
> Today is the first day of the rest of YOUR life.


Lets LOAD BEANIE DOWN W CLICHES TODAY TO CHEER HER UP!!!

"It was all for the best"
"These things just happen"
"Everything happens for a reason"
"You will grow and learn from this"
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"
"CHEERS TO THE FREAKIN WEEKEND"


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Beans... so sorry for what you're going through. 

Did it all happened as planned, on the 29th?


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Hugs to you NMBeans.
Really big hugs.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Yes, it was final yesterday. He called to tell me, in his usual nonchalant tone. He did thank me for being so "cooperative" through the whole process, and actually said he was sorry for everything he's put me through. Sucks to finally realize what a POS you are, I guess.

I feel better than I did the day I signed the settlement paperwork, but I'm still not all the way to indifference.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My divorce was two years ago. Indifference is a lovely feeling. It takes work -- and sometimes it feels like you'll never get there -- but you will. 
You've come a long way since your first post. :smile2:


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Nomorebeans said:


> Yes, it was final yesterday. He called to tell me, in his usual nonchalant tone. He did thank me for being so "cooperative" through the whole process, and actually said he was sorry for everything he's put me through. Sucks to finally realize what a POS you are, I guess.
> 
> I feel better than I did the day I signed the settlement paperwork, but I'm still not all the way to indifference.


Legally he is out of your life and now you can fully concentrate on healing yourself. 

You are fortunate it's over this quick even if it doesn't feel like it today.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

I think in your situation among other things, you are probably grieving whats similar to the death of your spouse. In this instance the affair and running off w ow changed your ex h so much he it's like he died(which is biblical btw). That's what's hard to work thru the man you talk to now is no longer your husband. He sort of left never to return, a la pet semetary.
This makes the grief that much harder because there was no funeral yet he is gone forever. Make sense?


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