# Question regarding 180 with detailed post.



## OrdinaryWorld (Apr 13, 2012)

First time poster, but I found this website a few weeks ago and I want to say thanks for advice and pointers that are given on this forum. I am a SAHD, been married for 7 years, and we have 2 daughters, ages 5 and 8.

Over the course of a week in the first week in March I found out that my wife was having an affair with a female coworker and that she had been going to bars and drinking heavily. She was doing this while we only had one vehicle and me and my daughters would have to go out at 130-300 in the morning to pick her up from "work". She is a server so I believed her when she told me they were staying open late due to customers. 

When I confronted her about it she admitted to the affair and it destroyed me. For two days I was in shocked like state. I offered my wife the chance to reconcile. She kept saying that she was willing to try and work it out, but that she didn’t think that it was going to work. On the second day I laid out the three things that I needed for her to do in order for us to go forward. Total transparency, marriage counseling, and that she would have to quit her job. She agreed to the first two but got defensive about her job citing financial security. She talked to her mother the next day and her mother agreed with her about the need for financial stability. 

That day I had to take my wife to work and when i pulled into the parking lot I knew that I couldn’t live with her going back to that job and the emotions that I was dealing with. At this time I was not sleeping or eating and I felt numb. So I took my daughters for week to my sister’s house. There I got back on my feet and started to gain some perspective. I had retained an attorney before I had left, but I was still willing to try and reconcile if she agreed to the 3 things that I needed. When I called her the day I was leaving to head back, she said that she didn’t think we would work out and said the she thought I was through with the marriage. I returned home and filed for divorce the next day. My daughters and I are now living with my mother until I can get back on my feet. 

My question, I guess, is that I still want reconciliation and dream about it every night. I have started the 180 and limit the only contact with my wife to issues regarding the children. Should I attempt to contact her and let her know that I am open to reconciliation up until the divorce papers are signed? Or would that be an exercise in futility?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

No. Do not contact her. She is deep in the affair fog with her lover and is thinking nothing of you. Concern yourself with getting a job and providing a safe home for your girls. You also need to decide if you want your wife to have 50% custody of the girls or if you want sole custody. Either way you do not have a legal leg to stand on as long as you are unemployed. If you do not want your daughters living full time in a lesbian environment, you need to get on your feet. 

Get busy and find work. Retain a good lawyer who will fight for you and file for divorce. Filing and having her served might knock her out of the fog and make her affair less appealing. Otherwise, go NC dark on her. Chasing her and calling her will only drive her away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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