# Finally...solid progress



## calvin

Hello all,some of you have read my post in the reconciliation area and condidering devorce section.Me and my wife are doing pretty good,much better than I thought possible.Wife has really been getting into TAMs lately.we both are going to start posting in the reconsiliation area tonight or tomorrow,me under my name and she under hers she hasnt registed yet,I'll help her with that after work today.I've never seen huband and wife both post on here at the same time and tell their story.This happen much? T hanks for all the advise I recieved,if it wasnt for some of you I really dont think me and my wife would be this far along....thank you all again
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## sadwithouthim

calvin said:


> Hello all,some of you have read my post in the reconciliation area and condidering devorce section.Me and my wife are doing pretty good,much better than I thought possible.Wife has really been getting into TAMs lately.we both are going to start posting in the reconsiliation area tonight or tomorrow,me under my name and she under hers she hasnt registed yet,I'll help her with that after work today.I've never seen huband and wife both post on here at the same time and tell their story.This happen much? T hanks for all the advise I recieved,if it wasnt for some of you I really dont think me and my wife would be this far along....thank you all again
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Praying for you and hoping for continuous good news.
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## Sparkles422

calvin:
I have had progress today. Huge progress, had a long 6 hour phone conversation and all is revealed. No holding back. We owned what we had done, apologies exchanged, working very hard on open communication, changing the way we begin a concern. Treating each with respect and empathesizing with one another for the pain and actions we took.

Really, really good day and soul sharing.

Good luck to you and me and your spouse and my ex.


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## calvin

So glad to hear that spark,things are goin well with us...its incredible how things have turned,in a couple days both of us should be posting to tell our story from both sides
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## sadwithouthim

I hope one day my husband will come around. 

Sparkles....I know you divorced in July.....were u separated before that?
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## calvin

Prayers and lots of hope to you Sad,me and wife are both pulling for you,we think you and others will be inspired by our story,we hope snly thing we're waiting on is her picking a name..lol.
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## Sparkles422

sad: no we were not. We lived together until the house sold and it was he double hockey sticks. Pain was near unbearable but he was in fog of EA.

We are making that episode, part of our historical life and prevent that happening again by keeping the lines of communication open, working on intimacy and the big one : TRUST


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## sadwithouthim

Sparkles422 said:


> sad: no we were not. We lived together until the house sold and it was he double hockey sticks. Pain was near unbearable but he was in fog of EA.
> 
> We are making that episode, part of our historical life and prevent that happening again by keeping the lines of communication open, working on intimacy and the big one : TRUST


Thank you for sharing that. Its interesting how after months a spouse who wanted to leave suddenly changes their mind. I wish mine would but I'm afraid he's totally gone now. 

I wish you and Calvin the best.
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## spudster

> Its interesting how after months a spouse who wanted to leave suddenly changes their mind.


Yeah I wonder too.

Not to burst your bubble Calvin, but your wife seems to be boating out of the fog fairly quickly. Too quickly for comfort I think.

Doesn't it usually takes months for waywards to come out of their temporary insanity and even longer before they start acting like spouses again? What is your wife's demeanor? Is she truly remorseful, or just feeling guilty and doing what she can to get everyone off her back?

I guess what I'm saying is, don't get too proud yet. She may be setting you up for another pounding....


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## Catherine602

Hi Calvin I am sooo glad things are working out.

Out of all of the post that I have read from male members, you really stand out for your strength, values, commitment and love.

Reading gruesome stories about what people do to their spouses and children, makes you appreciate what you have. I appreciate my husband more now than I ever did. I realize how much I lucked out to have a strong man like him.

My impression was, when I read your story, that your wife did not know how good she had it because she had beginners luck. You also did not know how good you had it. 

It would help you both to read as many threads as possible and post comments. It helps put your relationship and each other in perspective. 

You really appreciate what you have when you know what you might have had, it you were less fortunate.

PS there are couples who are members. Sometimes they post on the same thread. sometimes not.


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## calvin

Thank you Catherine,Spudster,the remorse is there,she spoke to my Mom about this,my daughter,co-workers and other family.She's done a lot of reading on TAMs she cant tell me why she did it,she says that yes it was like a drug,badboy FB her the other night and she went off on him,told him he is not a man but that I am,she told him few times she hates him,I was with her,I let him no what I was going to do if he tried anything,petty sure I scared him.She has been apologizing over and over,mostley out of the blue.She still cries often and she knows she has to live with this and she knows everyone else knows....She miserable sometimes.We should start posting soon then you guys can listen to her and give me you opionion...please. Thanlks again
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## Almostrecovered

make sure you get the following


1) No contact whatsoever with OM. I'm not clear as to what was said, but it wasn't spelled out she needs to hand write a no contact letter stating that she wants no contact from him in any form. If he does try to contact her then she must ignore it and tell you of it right away. Block him on FB, email, phone etc
2) Complete transparency- she gives up all passwords, emails, FB etc. If you want to look at her phone then she hands it over with no complaint. She tells you where she is going, if she is late and checks in a lot until you feel comfortable. She doesn't complain if you wish to verify her actions thru spying like GPS or VAR or keyloggers.
3) She shows complete remorse- marital problems are 50/50. The affair is 100% hers. She must demonstrate remorse thru actions and not just words. She must do what she can to help you heal.
4) Spend 10-15 hours a week of one on one time to rebond and have fun together and talk.


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## spudster

> Thank you Catherine,Spudster,the remorse is there,she spoke to my Mom about this,my daughter,co-workers and other family.She's done a lot of reading on TAMs she cant tell me why she did it,she says that yes it was like a drug,badboy FB her the other night and she went off on him,told him he is not a man but that I am,she told him few times she hates him,I was with her,I let him no what I was going to do if he tried anything,petty sure I scared him.She has been apologizing over and over,mostley out of the blue.She still cries often and she knows she has to live with this and she knows everyone else knows....She miserable sometimes.We should start posting soon then you guys can listen to her and give me you opionion...please. Thanlks again


I like you Calvin. The world needs more standup men like you. ...Just don't want you to get your hopes too high. 

Take it one day at a time. I recommend you and your wife take one hour out of every day and just talk. Doesn't matter what you talk about, just as long as your wife is getting that one-on-one she needs from you every day. This goes alot farther than any MC, and costs alot less. 

Tell your kids that for one hour every day they are on their own. I'm sure they can handle it. You and your wife also need a private zone, a sanctum, where the kids and family are not allowed. This could be a room in the house, or a daily walk down the road together, etc. Someplace where it is just you and her with no cell phones, kids or distractions. Works wonders for me and my wife. If we go one single day without our together time we get grumpy with each other real quick. 

Alot of prayer and hysterical bonding sex is good too! 

Good luck.


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## Hope1964

My hubby was remorseful almost immediately - it took him about a week? So it can happen.

Glad to hear things are good, calvin


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## calvin

glad to hear that hope.No it has not been all that long but I really feel her actions,words, and the hugs tell me she feel remorse.best of luck to you.My wife's name on TAMs is going to be CantSitStill,seems fitting in a way.She will be on this post when she is readty,just got her squared away...
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## CantSitStill

This is Calvin's wife, all of you are right..it takes time and I am not totally mentally stable yet. I will tell you that it took me forever to really see how much hubby loves me. After I went and betrayed him he landed up rescuing me. My knight in shining armor. Wow! Ok so I am not here to blame hubby or make excuses but to explain what was going on in my very messed up brain..For many many years he was always angry, miserable, always trying to change me, always made me a nervous wreck. He always found something to gripe about. Most sentences from him started with "you need to..or you really should " and so on ok so anyway I don't have many hours at work. My kids are getting older and I've been feeling unneeded, lost, like I have no purpose, very lonely and have had way too much time on my hands..Calvin making me madder and madder..so what do I do? I irrationally sought out an ex boyfriend on fb in October..so I loved texting with him..got the attention I craved..meanwhile Kevin had his worst outburst about a month later..had me and kids in tears. I kicked him out..went to counseling and let him back the next day from the homeless shelter and he got help for his anger...The thing is he really changed! Did everything right, didn't even raise his voice..At this point I kept wanting to feel in love with him but it just wasnt there..Was distracted by my ex bf yes..hated myself..tried marriage counselling but still no spark..it was so frustrating! Well I told him how I felt nothing, just didnt feel intimate..We had our last MC and decided it was over so I told him about my EA and he instantly told me..stop talking to him..I refused and he kicked me out. Went from one sisters house to another..lost my mind...was having a nervous breakdown..Knew my kids hated me (awful feeling) Calvin suddenly had something happen at work like something told him I was in trouble..I was about to check into the menta hospital and then he texted me..asked if i was ok..talked to me..fed me and helped me. Now I know he loves m
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## CantSitStill

He knew I hadn't had any sleep..he really showed me and still is showing me he loves me...That was the whole prob lem! I didnt believe him! Now wow it's like I've fallen in love with him all over again..Oh and that ex? Well I made sure to get him off all contacts..facebook..cell phone..now I realize the grass is NOT greener on the other side. I needed to figure that out. Wish we had done MC a long time ago and never want to be in a rut again..I am back, I'm plugged in and to think I almost lost him..we will need more counseling but its so much better..I look forward to him coming home now..so in. love with him. He is the best!
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## calvin

Oh,boy...I admitt I lost sight of her,Catherine said it best,I didnt know what I had.Yes I did also feel like a workhorse,felt like that was why I was around but now things are looking way up.I think after 20 years things got stale and we lost sight of eachtother,now.....thumbs up : ).Appreciation seems to be there on both sides....
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## CantSitStill

btw- my whole point is..emotional relationship..to me it was like an escape..I used to read to escape, sometimes I help others to escape..anything that will distract me from my real problems. I got addicted to the attention and the texting I got from the EA.. really is crazy. Now I am no longer distracted..Took a long time to believe I was lovable so was afraid Calvin was gonna go back to the Calvin that wasn't fun but my God was I wrong. It's like all that texting was a drug that was keeping me from seeing reality..The reality that yes I have issues to work on ..was easier to ignore them but soo worth it to acknowleged them and make it all better
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## calvin

I thimk having her chime in here was a good idea.Yes I know I had a temper problem,I own it but I know things are getting better,I know it. This is going to work...Stay continued.
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## Catherine602

Cant 
Welcome to TAM. Made tears well up when I read your post. 

When Calvin started posting, his love for you leaped off the page. His description of his gut wrenching pain was difficult to read. I hope you will read his post. 

I am going to take you to task for some things that you said and seem to feel.

You mentioned that the anger issues pushed you to seeking attention from OM.

Can you see how devastating that is? Things are good now but there are always ups and downs, are you going to resort to OM when things calm down in a couple of years? 

Don"t accept cheep forgiveness from your husband, work for it. Realize what you did, accept full responsibility and atone. 

Don't let Calvin take any responsibility for your EA. When he tries to do it stop him and tell what you need to do to earn back his love and trust. 

You are happy now and he is happy to have you home. But you must atone. 

Calvin is going to have time to think about what you did. He is looking at you as a whole new person, capable of doing something he would never have imagined. 

He has forgiven you but he will not forget. He will keep coming back to it again and again. For months and years. Be prepared to feel his pain.

Please don't bring up mistakes that he made. First sort out why you did this. It is not because your husband was angry or you were feeling at loose ends. 

You could have picked up more hours at work or volunteered if you wanted to feel more useful. You could have gone to therapy with Calvin to work out your issues. 

It was your choice to risk everyones happiness for your validation. It was not Calvin, it was you. 

You are not out of the woods my ant means. If you remain the same women who had an EA, then he may decide the pain is too much in 2, 5 or even 10 years from now leave. Delayed reactions are common for BS.

You have to become a woman that your husband can respect and trust. You have to become a whole new you. The woman cheated had no respect for herself or her husband. She was not concerned for her kids to forgo seeking validation outside of marriage.

You have to own this fully and work hard to over come these faults. Your husband does not have to prove he loves you. He did not cheat, he worked on his problems. 

This is no time to rest - now comes the hard part changing the person you are. Make sure that Calvin is not walking on egg-shells so as not to touch off another exit. 

Be fully present, responsible. Make him relax and bask in your love. He needs the healing power of your love because he has had a very bad time. 

Let him know by your actions that you love and respect him and want him to feel his home is a safe harbor. 

Become a woman who is worthy of all of the gifts that life has given you. If you don't, you will lose them.


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## CantSitStill

Ty Catherine..I must always stay aware of his feelings and make sure that I don't ever get to that state of mind..so need more therapy and must put Kevin first no matter what it takes.
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## Catherine602

calvin said:


> Oh,boy...I admitt I lost sight of her,Catherine said it best,I didnt know what I had.Yes I did also feel like a workhorse,felt like that was why I was around but now things are looking way up.I think after 20 years things got stale and we lost sight of eachtother,now.....thumbs up : ).Appreciation seems to be there on both sides....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Calvin
Make sure not to blame your self though. The problems you had did not induce your wife to leave you and your kids, she sis that. 

I am not trying to rain on your parade but asking you not to give cheap easy forgiveness. It will all blow up in a few years. 

You will look at you wife when that initial excitement wears off in a year or two and if she is the same person, you may not want to stay. It called delayed reaction. An apparent successful R and the BS walks out. 

The WS did not atone, and the BS did not get a chance to fully heal or be heard. The roller coster has not come to a full stop yet. 

You will still go through periods of pain and disbelief. When you do share those with your wife, don't hide them no matter how often. She has to comfort you. 

if your wife is becoming the type of woman you need then these feeling will ease.


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## calvin

Thank you Catherine, There is a lot of truth in what you say,having her on TAMs I feel will do a lot of good.Love her but am I doing this all wrong? Not sure now...think I am....
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## spudster

> Calvin
> Make sure not to blame your self though. The problems you had did not induce your wife to leave you and your kids, she sis that.
> 
> I am not trying to rain on your parade but asking you not to give cheap easy forgiveness. It will all blow up in a few years.
> 
> You will look at you wife when that initial excitement wears off in a year or two and if she is the same person, you may not want to stay. It called delayed reaction. An apparent successful R and the BS walks out.
> 
> The WS did not atone, and the BS did not get a chance to fully heal or be heard. The roller coster has not come to a full stop yet.
> 
> You will still go through periods of pain and disbelief. When you do share those with your wife, don't hide them no matter how often. She has to comfort you.
> 
> if your wife is becoming the type of woman you need then these feeling will ease.


:iagree:


But...Catherine is being too nice to you I think Calvin.

I take back the nice things I said about you... for now. 

OK, I agree you had nothing to do with your wife's infidelities. Those are hers to own... all here agree...amen.

But if you were a domineering, controlling d*ckwad of a husband to your wife, then this incident was the butt-whooping you had coming to you. So I ask you now, man to man, what pledges are you going to make to her to convince her that you are worth it in the long run?


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## Catherine602

There are many good books and web sites that can guide you through the process. See website link.

The only mistake you can make is not to address first the flaws that made one spouse have an EA. Then to deal with the problems in the marriage that led up to the infidelity. 

You don't want to be the one doing the heavy lifting because of your mistakes. You do that anyway. But you have to see her doing the heavy lifting too. 

She may be resistant and try to shift the blame on you. Don't let that happen. Be resolute and She will come around. 

site.Steps to Recover from an affair/infidelity in marriage


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## calvin

Thank you Catherine and Spudster,Yes at times I was being a big jerk,controling sometimes,I always did encourage her to go out more with her friends never told her she couldnt,she has bad anxiety problems,things would be peaceful around the house and she would flip out over nothing,somtimes she looks for thing to worry about that puts me on edge she has done a few bone headed things in the marriage that drove me nuts and cost me a lot of money,being gone from our house 77 hours a week didnt help either,I know thats no excuse.Spudster,I no the crap I pulled in our marriage and I do own it,I've apologized over and over for it,promised her I'm not going let stress get to me and I will change,I'm glad she kicked me out that one hight,made me take a long look at myself,I have had five sessions of IC for my temper and three MC sessions with her,I have promises to do better but told her watch my actions,I am going to prove the changes I made are for real.The anger never solved anything,just made things worse,I see that and I'm never going back to that way again.All I can do is prove I changed and I'm sure she knows this now,yes it makes me half nuts to know that while I was woring on me and us she was seeing this guy on the side but I am going to keep pushing foward for us both,there is still a lot of work to do.I love her,need her and want her.She is the most imortant person in my life.
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## calvin

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## calvin

I have brought up going to MC in the past,she did'nt want to go,the one time she brought I refused out of spite,stupid I know.I do feel the problems in our marriage were both our fault...50/50 and I was to hard headed to work on my issues...tit for tat I guess.I am 100% committed to this relationship and to the changes I have made to myself,this isnt easy but I think we are going to make it
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## synthetic

What a beautiful day it is! 

Calvin, you are a true reflection of myself and how I feel about life/marriage in general. I was hung on your story since the beginning and learned a lot from it. It would not be an exaggeration if I credited your story for the success of my reconciliation with my lovely wife. 

I hope your wife (whom I realize is reading this  HI!) understands what an honorable *man* she has by her side. 

There's honorable human and then there's the honorable husband. It takes a lot more to be a husband than just a normal human being. You sir, have depicted a clear picture of that difference. Hats off to you.

Every bump in your journey was felt by my heart. I'm not sure why, but I felt very much vested in the success of your marriage even during the moments that my anger got the better of me. The affair had a bad effect on me. I ended up mistrusting my own wife because of what happened in your marriage. I still hold suspicions that are probably uncalled for, but I'm no longer afraid of feeling what I feel. I AM WHO I AM and am proud of it.

Sun is shining again. Love has prevailed once more and life has attained the face of a beautifully wrapped gift. Let's open it up. The least we can hope for is hope itself


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## CantSitStill

Back when Calvin was always stressed I'd try to explain to my therapist before he met him..I'd say unpleasant things then back it up with "but he really is a great guy" it was hard to describe him but now the Calvin has worked VERY hard on himself..yes he is the best  btw nice to meet u synthetic, haven't read or heard your story yet but maybe Kevin (Calvin) will show me or tell me..I'm interested 
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## Almostrecovered

did you write a NC letter to the OM?
are you prepared to know that it may take 2-5 years for your husband to fully heal from the infidelity?
are you completely transparent now, sharing passwords, allowing him to look at your phone, etc?


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## calvin

Synthetic,I'm very glad things are working out for you. Yow ere one of the people on this site that really helped me and the wife make it this far,I appreciate it.I cant believe how down I was compared to now.our relationship is still a work in progress but I feel good about where we are headed,this time the cloudes really are breaking
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## CantSitStill

Almostrecovered said:


> did you write a NC letter to the OM?
> are you prepared to know that it may take 2-5 years for your husband to fully heal from the infidelity?
> are you completely transparent now, sharing passwords, allowing him to look at your phone, etc?


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## CantSitStill

Yes Calvin and I both had words with him due to him contacting us..Yes I gave up all contact with him and yes I am being transparent..not holding anything back..yes I hate what I did and I own it..now it's time to fix myself and repair our relationship and move forward not backward.
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## calvin

Almost,thank you for your concern,NC letter has been sent,have all passwords and her phone,the rest is up to her
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## calvin

This one is for Spudster,take back the nice things you said if you want,there is more than meets the eye but I am trying my best not to be too critical of her right now,I want this to work in the worst kind of way.
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## dan?

really nice that you guys managed to work stuff out.

can i ask how long you were apart? did either of you feel it would never work again? and was one or both of you adamant it would never work again...no matter what?

cheers


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## CantSitStill

I'm Cals wife, I really really didn't think it would work..felt like he loved the person he wanted me to be and not the real me but I also found out I was totally wrong.
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## This is me

Love to hear good stories of reconcilliation! All the best to you both!!


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## calvin

Ok,been a little while,guess its time for an update,or a downdate.things have been going pretty good,some sandbags along the way though.I have really changed myself and I am much more happy with the way I am,she is too.She says I am a great huband and a good guy but she has told me that maybe OM may have problems but she said maybe he is a nice guy..ugh.The R seems to be going pretty well,she even told me a few days ago she thought the bad in our marriage was also due to her,she actually said "I thought it was all your fault"guess she seen the contributions to our marriage she made caused it to almost fail.please dont get me wrong I love her all the way and I feel she does feel the same for me.She has been truthful about the EA with the other man doesnt like him at all,said she hates him but the triggers that have come lately are really taking a toll on me.OM went on a fishing expedition yesterday by "accidently butt dialing her number on valentines day,which was supposed to be special for us.Instead,after his call I confronted him,he wouldnt talk to me directly on the phone but we both sent threatening text back and forth,yes he got the no contact letter.OM says that this is between him and my wife,mind you I have complete access to everything,sya she is his,always has been,always will be.Guy is a loser,wife knows it,she was pissed too.After a lot of angry text he agreed to meet me,said he was coming to my house(He's never been here but can find easily)then agreed to meet me at the park,never showed,he sent text saying he was at my house,I raced back home and of course he wasnt here.He sent me on a couple goose chases and he enjoyed it.afterwards I sent some text to him(he wont talk on phone to me) called him out again and called him every every unmanly name in the book.now my wife is scared and afraid I'll really fu#k this guy up,oh I will.We blocked him from phones today,yeah it cost me $ but I dont care.My wife is nauseated and sick today and quiet,not very lovable.I've been triggering pretty bad but have
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## calvin

Kept my cool,big test here.After all this it seems like we both have had a setback on our R but things are still better than they were a month ago.I guess I'm venting here,I am worried somewhat and having a hard time reading her right now.What if anything do you folks make of this,cause I'm not really sure.this is hard but the effort does seem to be paying off,I want this to work so bad.....sorry,long got carried away
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## calvin

And yes there was re-writting of our history,she might not agree but I know there was
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## Catherine602

Calvin what is going on? 

Don't expect a strait line to R, it is going to be 3 steps forward one step back. You are being two reactive I think. 

Try to take the long view. Know that the way you go about getting to your goal is as important as getting there. 

The OM is insignificant now. He want to upset things because you won. He was a loser and he still is. He know that and he is jealous. 

Calm down and you control things don't be controlled by them. Anticipate that she will test you and you have to be prepared to meet the test. 

Calvin you have to have bouderies. You cannot think that you will R under any circumstances. There are some things you should not tolerate. That's that. 

I know my husband loves me deeply. I know if we were not together it would devastate him. 

There is another thing I know he would leave me under the right circumstances. . It would probably be very difficult. 

You have to draw a line in the sand and never let her pass it. You will not be happy if she controls you.


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## calvin

Thank you Catherine,I am looking at the big picture here and I know there are some bumps along the way,I do have boundries in place and she know what they are,though its does feel lie she has pushed a couple of things.You are right about other man,I wont pay him any more attention,though I still would like to wring his neck.Yes the R does seems to move forward then back again but I feel we both are trying and some of it comes naturally on it own,we have a ways to go yet but I am optimisic
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## bandit.45

> She says I am a great huband and a good guy but she has told me that maybe OM may have problems but she said maybe he is a nice guy..ugh.


WTF? :scratchhead:

CantSitStill, you need to get your head in the game and dispense with the silliness. Your ex-con boyfriend nearly destroyed you and your family. 

There is nothing nice about this guy.


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## calvin

Thanks bandit,she does seem pretty PO'd at him for the goose chase he put me through and she see's how immatue hes is,not what she thought he was at all.Bandit I followed you story,hats off to you,I admire the way you conducted youself through out your ordeal,admire your strenght,you inspire me
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## bandit.45

> Thanks bandit,she does seem pretty PO'd at him for the goose chase he put me through and she see's how immatue hes is,not what she thought he was at all.Bandit I followed you story,hats off to you,I admire the way you conducted youself through out your ordeal,admire your strenght,you inspire me


Criminals are manipulators. They get off on it. Don't let him bait you. 

This guy could be a whackjob, and he could be staking out your wife and home. While he has you out running around chasing him, he could be breaking into your house, assaulting your wife, God knows what. Get your damn head on straight, protect your wife and home, and quit being reactionary.


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## Almostrecovered

stop playing his games, ignore everything from him and get a lawyer to handle it if he harasses you further


you gain nothing by confronting him


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## calvin

Yes,I know he was trying to bait me I have taken steps to ensure the safety of my family,I am ignoring him and there is no way he can contact us unless he does it in person which I'm sure he wont,he is afraid of me
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## bandit.45

> he is afraid of me


Don't fool yourself. _He_ may be afraid of you, but he probably has a gang of buddies who aren't.

Get a restraining order against him if he gives you any more grief. Have you checked to see if he has a parole officer? If he does, his P.O. would love to know about these latest shenanigans. Call your Dept of Corrections and find out.


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## calvin

Funney you mention that Bandit,I have started an internet search with the county police,I am lucky enought to have a detective who lives across the street,I have yet to ask him for help but I'm sure he will oblige,I know a patrolman on the force.The reacting on my part was dumb,I let the wrong instinct take over,wont happen again.I really do believe he is a coward based on the things he said,very immature but also know he might be dangerous.My wife cant believe what she did,still cant comprehend it.She knows he is a loser.Thank God I stopped it (she did pull back somewhat from him) before it was too late.Thank you all for the advise,I can always use more.this sucks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

> My wife cant believe what she did,still cant comprehend it.She knows he is a loser.Thank God I stopped it (she did pull back somewhat from him) before it was too late..


Women like bad boys.


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## calvin

Hello every one,quick update if anyone is still interested.Been pretty quiet,have'nt heard anything from ex-con OM ,I did recieve a few phone call from a number I did'nt recognize( OM is blocked on everything) I did call the number back and left a message asking who was trying to reach me,I have had no reply, wrong number three times? I guess its possible.Me and my wife have been doing good,kids spent last night at their friends house,wife and I had a good night ; ) .She constantly apologizes which I appreciate but makes me start thinking about OM,sometimes he pops into my head for no reason,I wish that would stop.If he does go fishing again I have everything with my attorney ready to go,I think its possible he will try again,we even have a couple of spies in his group of friends (couple of my wifes girlfriends) and they will alert us about any intentions he might have,so guess I'll have to sit tight and see what happends.wife and I are doing good,this looks promising.I'll update in a few days,hopfully it will be a uneventful one.Once again thank you all for the support and guidance you all were a huge help and I am thankful for it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## believergirl

I believe in love, i believe that absolutely everything is possible, and you guys are a proof of it. I wish you the best
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602

Great Calvin

I am a little concerned that she has girlfriends who hang out with this man or who are in contact with him. I would say that NC means no contact with him or anyone connected with him. 

I would not use spies - he is not important and the less time and energy you spend on him the faster you will get him out of your head. Legal protection should be sufficient. The phone calls could be from him. If it is, it is another attempt to herass you. Don't let him bait you in any way. Don't call the number, that just makes him feel good. 

He is a bottom feeder ignore him - let law enforcement deal with him. You said you have friends ask them for advice. It is your wife who needs to keep to the no contact. Just a word, keep an eye on things to make sure that she is not communicating with him. Trust but verify.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill

Catherine, you are right. I talked to my friend that knows him and told her to not say anything to him..It will only stir things up. I am absolutely a hundred percent in this marriage and will do all it takes to get this nightmare behind us..I caused this nightmare and wish I could change the past. I feel remorse yes, lots of depression, self hatred..trying so hard to keep both Calvin and I sane.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

Quick update if anyone is curious,
Our R is moving ahead slowly and has picked up a little more steam,she would like it to go a little faster but knows it goes at my pace.Actually has been no trickle truth,have questioned her over and over and details are the same,transparencey is crystal clear and I have kept my ear th the ground and eyes wide open....nothing.OM has not attempted anymore contact,he knows physically is is no match and he is aware that if he tries again I sick my attorney on him and his wallet(what little he has).Wife has found out he was a serial cheater,lied to her many times and had no plans for her in the future other than hooking up for awhile and then moving on.She knows what her life almost became and it scares her and I will never go through this again.Wife is doing this the way I want,she is still a little scared I might change my mind and I do think about it sometimes.I'm supposed to go out of town for awhile in a couple weeks and that makes me a little nervious,trust is coming back but still has a way to go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

You and your wife need to write out a list of guidelines and boundaries that both you and she may not cross while you are on your trip. Then you both need to sgn it, like a mini contract and you need to keep a copy with you. Every evening you need to call her and go over each line of the contract to let each other know how you're doing. Remember, CSS is going to be worried as much about you as you are her. Keep the communication between the two of you frequent and loving. 

Oh, and make sure you double up on the lovemaking before you leave!


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## calvin

Thanks Bandit,thats a good idea,we will be in contact alot,this strickly a pleasure trip for me,see friends in Kentucy,these are lifelong friends of mine and she knows them all quite well.They are like brothers to me and she knows them very well.They know what happend and have a lot of questions and that makes her a little nervious I like that Idea Bandit and I will implement it,thanks again
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

No titty bars!!


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## CantSitStill

Is there anthing else I can do or are there any other ideas to make sure he knows I'm not doing anything wrong? I want him to have a good time and not worry. btw this is Calvin's wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

Call him every day and be accountable for everything you do, that's all. Maybe keep a log or journal of your activities that he can look over when he comes back?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim

believergirl said:


> I believe in love, i believe that absolutely everything is possible, and you guys are a proof of it. I wish you the best
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Calvin, I full heartily believe this too. I think people make mistakes and sometimes they hurt the one you love the most. I think affairs happen sometimes when we have our own insecurities and depression. You go to any means to just feel better.

I do believe one can be truly remorseful and hurt just as much as the BS. I just think they are different kind of hurts but nonetheless it is still hurt. I know you are afraid but try and open your heart to let her build your trust in her again. Forgiveness will become not only a gift to her but also to yourself. I promise the future rewards if you both can fight this through will be so great. I feel it in my heart. Remember lots of people learn from their mistakes.

Is she able to go with you? Like a mini retreat for your relationship in your down time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill

Depending on schedules and stuff maybe I could go with him this time. If not maybe have one of myu girlfriends spend a night or 2 with me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

Thanks Sad,I hope you are doing well.Things are looking good for the most part.She has gone on the trips to Kentucky before but usually I go by myself,I like the peacefull quiet drive through the country alone and the time me and my adopted brothers spend together,its a chance for me to get away by my self once a year.I 'm a little leary of going but I believe it will be ok,I'm sure my buddies and my Maw- Maw(thier mother,might as well be mine to)are going to want to hear everything so I dont know if she should go.The kids will have school too and she needs to be here,I think it will be ok as long as we stay in contact quite a bit.Maybe a few days away will be good for us too
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim

CantSitStill said:


> Depending on schedules and stuff maybe I could go with him this time. If not maybe have one of myu girlfriends spend a night or 2 with me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think a girlfriend over would be excellent...someone that Calvin likes and trusts all the better. Make sure you don't waste the second chance and thank Calvin for loving you enough to give that 2nd chance to you before he leaves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim

calvin said:


> Thanks Sad,I hope you are doing well.Things are looking good for the most part.She has gone on the trips to Kentucky before but usually I go by myself,I like the peacefull quiet drive through the country alone and the time me and my adopted brothers spend together,its a chance for me to get away by my self once a year.I 'm a little leary of going but I believe it will be ok,I'm sure my buddies and my Maw- Maw(thier mother,might as well be mine to)are going to want to hear everything so I dont know if she should go.The kids will have school too and she needs to be here,I think it will be ok as long as we stay in contact quite a bit.Maybe a few days away will be good for us too
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I believe its will be ok. Go and enjoy your time and keep in touch with each other throughout the day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill

I see alot of thread about facebook being the start of these EAs, wondering how many other people have had a similar situation and were able to reconcile like we did
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964

When my hubby had to go on a business trip he wrote me a letter for every day that he'd be gone and printed them off and numbered them for me, so that each day I could read one. He also texted and emailed me a LOT. It was still REALLY hard to be away from him physically for that long, but the letters helped.


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## Catherine602

Calvin 

The desire to move at a pace that is more comfortable for her is common. It is the desire to move past an uncomfortable misstep.

I think that it is impossible for a person who has cheated to really understand the shock of what they have done if they have not been on the receiving end. 

If you did to your wife what she did to you - talking to another woman, leaving her, your home and kids to be with the OW, she would be prostrate right now. 

But she may expect you to get over it because she still does not know how bad what she did was. Also how lucky she is to have such a strong man, not perfect but motivated and loving. 

I think it is instructive for the DS to consider what it would be like if the shoe were on the other foot. What through it with the LS step by step. Discuss the emotions and feelings of anger, rage etc. See if more empathy can be illicited. 

Many times, if the DS lack of empathy actually derails the R. But the effect is delayed. 

It is not uncommon for the LS, after trying for 2 years or so with everything seeming to go smoothly from the DS point of view, to suddenly bail. 

I think it is because the DS wants to forget and the LS has to remember and process and can't just forget. 

My advice to DS who are sincere about R, the discomfort you experience when the LS needs to process what happened again and agin is nothing. 

If you are not willing to walk with in the pain of the LS then look out. You may get a surprise in 2 - 5 years. The LS may decide it is not worth swallowing their pain just to be with the cause of it.


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## calvin

Catherine,thank you,you always seem to offer sound advise.I feel she is pretty much doing the right things to make this work,I know she wants it to go a little faster but how do you try to hurry up and get over something like this? I cant,every day does seem to get a little better,I'm not sure if she really understands how much it hurts.I wish the triggers would go away,they make me nuts sometimes
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill

Calvin has been amazing and the fog from my head has dissappeared.. At this point I feel I would do ANYTHING to keep him..What the heck was I thinking??? I love him with all my heart..Why did I have so many doubts? Why was I almost really to give up such an incredible husband? Wow I feel so stupid for what I did and for not realizing what I almost lost. Yes he had problems both him and I before I went searching for my ex and yes I really thought both Calvin and I were both miserable in this marriage but what bothers me is he made all the right changes and I was too distracted by the OM..I get sick thinking about it..Now I am realizing how much I took hubby for granted..If there is anyone out there feeling like you're in a loveless marriage please don't make the mistake I did..please talk to your spouse, do the marriage counseling before looking to someone else for that attention. Seriously I feel like I've learned so much in this past month than I have in my entire life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

Good on you CSS. You have come a long way in a short time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim

CantSitStill said:


> Calvin has been amazing and the fog from my head has dissappeared.. At this point I feel I would do ANYTHING to keep him..What the heck was I thinking??? I love him with all my heart..Why did I have so many doubts? Why was I almost really to give up such an incredible husband? Wow I feel so stupid for what I did and for not realizing what I almost lost. Yes he had problems both him and I before I went searching for my ex and yes I really thought both Calvin and I were both miserable in this marriage but what bothers me is he made all the right changes and I was too distracted by the OM..I get sick thinking about it..Now I am realizing how much I took hubby for granted..If there is anyone out there feeling like you're in a loveless marriage please don't make the mistake I did..please talk to your spouse, do the marriage counseling before looking to someone else for that attention. Seriously I feel like I've learned so much in this past month than I have in my entire life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think unfortunately by the time people come on these sites its too late for counseling. Count yourselves lucky. Relish your second chance and enjoy the rest of your lives together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

Thanks Sad,I really hope you are doing better and find peace and happiness,I KNOW you will,pease quit beating your self up,you dont deserve it.
Bandit,yes CSS has come a long way in a short time,she is determind to work on us and is always there for me,seems so ironic that the one that hurt me is the one I count on to help me (us) heal.CSS is one in a million and the love I have for her is incredible,I find myself racing home everyday so I cand hold her and love her,youre right sad we are very lucky
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

I guess, in this case, an affair is what the two of you needed to find each other again. But man what a steep psychological and emotional price to pay! You're far from out of the woods. Hopefully your counselor is versed in PTSD and will be able to spot the warning signs and head them off. CSS needs to educate herself too so she can help get you through it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

Had to go to K-Mart after work today,thats where they would meet,Christ...everything playing over in my head again,f#cing conflicting feelings except for one,I really want my pound of flesh from that no good piece of f#cking dirtbag...ugh!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim

calvin said:


> Had to go to K-Mart after work today,thats where they would meet,Christ...everything playing over in my head again,f#cing conflicting feelings except for one,I really want my pound of flesh from that no good piece of f#cking dirtbag...ugh!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Reread the recent posts from your wife. 

You can't change the past. What's done is done....but going forward you both can work on creating a marriage that is safe from either of you going through this again. 

Ill hang in there if you do too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

> Had to go to K-Mart after work today,thats where they would meet,



Whoaaah. Wait a minute! They would meet in person?

I thought this was just an EA, over the phone e-mail stuff?


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## calvin

No Bandit they did meet in th K-Mart lot,nothing happend physically,some hugs.Does that make it a PA? And yes I know for sure thats as far as it went,still bugs the **** out of me,hard to let go.I know she's commited to us and knows this guy is a lieing scumbag...You seem very wise Bandit,whats you take on this? She was nervous when they did this,hence a public place to meet,I guess so she could explain it as bumping into a old friend? I dont know,she said she didnt really know what to do so she suggested K-Mart.help me out here Bandit,your thoughts? She hates him,took her awhile to figure out what he was all about
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

It just startled me that's all, when I read that. I had thought it was all e-mail and phone conversations between them.

How many times did they meet there? Night or day? Did they meet driving separate cars? What has she told you? 

Kind of hard to believe it was just hugs. But that is the paranoid in me. I would think there had to at least be kissing involved if she had waited for him to get out of prison.


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## calvin

I know what some people will say,trickle truth is in play here,its not,that stoped after a couple days of questioning,my questions have'nt stoped but nothing has changed with her answers,anytime a new detail comes up she tells me but those details are very small ie,where she parked,lenght of time 5 minutes,maybe 10 at the most.She never got into his work truck(loser doesnt own [email protected])he's never been in the truck I bought her,the details have'nt really changed.After following your story Bandit I value you opinion and would like to hear it,I've noticed you dont pull any punches,so give it to me please
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

Okay, 

Well, if she met him at night, all bets are off. I guess they could have just stood around and talked, but doesn't seem plausible if they had been waiting in anticipation for his release. 

Maybe I'm wrong, but if I'm a horny ex-con whos been bottled up for a couple years, and I have been having an online fling with an old girlfriend who I (maybe) have been intimate with before, I'm going to want some make out time when I see her: kissing and hugging at the very, very least. 

But in the end you'll need to trust what CSS has told you. From everything I've read in her posts she seems to be honest and forthright. She's you wife bro, you should know if she's telling the truth or stonewalling.


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## calvin

Bandit it was during the day,he drove his work truck she drove the one I gave her,never at night,I would have been home anyway,one quick kiss on the lips,no tongue,he has been out of prison for a few years,yes I believe her,my questions sometimes never stop,she knows what he is all about,a loser who owns nothing,he tried to make himself out as a successful supervisor but he cant even tell the difference from the words to,too or two...loser.In you eyes Bandit was this a PA? from what happend,seems to be a grey area here for me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill

I told Calvin right away about meeting up with him..first time at the park by my house, I walked up there with my dog..other 4 times it was at kmart parking lot we'd pull up find eachothers truck , stand ouside and talk and it lasted around 10 min each time...i was so nervous when we did meet up, it felt so weird..had no clue how to even go about meeting up with another man..I remember shaking and cutting it really short because of my nerves..I'd say "hey I gotta go" would hug him and literally run back in my truck and come home. It was scary but exciting but I couldn't really handle it...was so glad when I fin.ally confessed to Calvin..What I'm really worried about now is..Calvin is re-living this nightmare all over again in his head and I know he's hurting and I wanna make his hurt go away 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

Know it still hurts sometimes...fn bad...but getting better
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

Yes and you guys don't need a jaded two-time BS like me making things worse for you. 

I like ya CSS, and I think you're a good lady. If what you told him is the truth, then stand by it. 

Its going to take Calvin time to get past all this. Just be there for him. 

And I think I've cause enough commotion for today. Bandit out...


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## CantSitStill

by the way, the times we met up Calvin was at work and kids were in school. We may not have met up much but we talked almost daily..again only talked when Calvin was at work..Gosh I am sich a peice of crap..how in the hell did I let myself get to that?? Why would I do things like that to hurt my family..What a fool I am! Could have lost Calvin forever! The relationship lasted 4 months...thank God it stopped when it did and thank God it did go farther...What a mess my head was...I was in lala land...I hate myself
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill

oops meant to say thank God it didn't go farther
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

I believe her,really do.Bull sh!t detector is'nt regeristing anything,Thanks Bandit and everyone else who listened and helped
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill

EA, PA don't know don't care about a label...it was an affair! I can't believe I had an affair...ohh that word affair sounds so harsh! I did..me..I can't even believe it myself...so selfish, stupid and crazy...I hurt my family...I should of thought about that before but it's too late now. Soo call it what you all want..I looked him up, I iniciated all of it because I am an a$$
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill

I never in my life had sex with this man...maybe that's why he seemed so interested...maybe his plan was to play Mr Nice guy and be respectful and not try anything sexual so that I would believe he was the nice guy when all along I now wonder now if that was his goal all along!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

It was his goal all along,ask any man on this site and I'm sure 95% of them will tell you this is what he was working up to.He's a covicted felon,cheater,liar,bullsh!ter and a loser who owns nothing,I'm glad this stoped when It did or who knows where we'd be right now.We're doing pretty damn good considering but there is more work ahead and I'm optomistic about our future...I hate that sometimes you think that maybe he isnt all that bad...he is bad.I love you CSS.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

Remember CSS, men do not befriend women just to be friends. That's the oldest lie in history. They cozy up to women in order to get down their pants.


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## calvin

Well said Bandit,I think she feels a little sorry for him,this piece of sh!t does'nt deserve any sympathy at all,a @ss whooping is what he deserves and I bet one day soon he'll get it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill

I don't feel sorry for him. I have no reason to. I'm sure that man will never settle down and be happy but that is not my problem. As long as he's staying away from me there is no reason to bother him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

Things have been going pretty good for the most part,lot of bumps,lot of triggers and I'm having a hard time trying not to think about all the conversations they had and the things they talked about,especially the sweet talk from him,things like no other woman could ever measure up to her,he never stoped thinking about her and more bullsh!t he said so he could get what he wanted.Why is it so damn hard to get this out of my head?Drives me nuts sometimes.My wife has come around quite a bit,she now admitts that she did contribute to the decline in our marriage,thats a good thing,before she said this was 100% my fault,I knew better.I'm happy,I'm depressed,make sense?Never thought R was going to be this rough...still need that FF button for my life,I cant get over the irony that she is the only one that can help me when she was the one that caused so much pain.Man,this really messes a persons head up!I know it will get way better but I wish it was all better now,I'm getting impatient..ugh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

One day at a time, one breath at a time, keep walking...

Like a pachyderm, just keep walking even when it seems like you aren't getting anywhere.

I'm not doing well at all, and even though I talk a tough game about divorcing my wife, I miss her like crazy. I still don't sleep and maybe eat 600 calories a day at most if I'm lucky. Not good for a guy who is 6'-2" and built like an NFL tackle.

I've lost 37 pounds on my "divorce diet". Going to get a full workup at the doctor's next week because I feel like crap. Oh, and having no sex is a real plus too.


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## Catherine602

Calvin it may take 2 to 3 years to get to a good place. This just happened and it was massive. You want the pain to be gone but you can;t skip steps along the way. 

I have a sense that you have skipped a couple of steps. You and your wife have to explore why.

What was it about her that made her deceive you, leave her kids and treat you so badly. What is it about her that would make her value an ex con player and devalue a quality man like you.

What ever it is, it needs to be explored. She has to acknowledge that there is something in her that made her chose to do those things. 

It was not your anger problem. She could have taken the kids and moved into an apartment if she was that unhappy. But she choose to do this. 

She has to really see your value as a man. Not because this guy turned out to be a creep and not what she thought but because a man like you is very hard to find. 

She will meet many men in her life whether she is married or not but none of them will have the combination of positive qualities that you bring - first and foremost you love her deeply, you are strong, committed, love you family and provide well for them. 

There are many lovely deserving men and woman who are not so fortunate to have such a mate. Many times it is dumb luck when you have a good partner. 

I know you are reading too Cant. Please don't feel affronted by what I said. Calvin's processing of this trauma is vital to your happiness as well as his. 

Don't rush things, take a close look at you and don't flinch. It is the greatest opportunity for growth that you will have in your life. 

You have good qualities or Calvin would not love you. He has had some personal issues that he is getting help for and you should do the same. Your personal issues are serious I think.


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## calvin

Thanks Catherine,Bandit.
We have been talking,think we both need to try harder,I'm not a needy or clingy man,never was but I guess I need more from her,re-assurance?
more understanding?She texted me this morning telling me she will so me how much she loves and cares.I've never really "needed" anyone but I need her to help me through this,she's trying but I guess I need more.Is that strange?
I feel for you Bandit,I like your take no [email protected] attitude,hang in there man,youre an inspiration to many,best of luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill

Catherine, the thing that I keep telling myself now is..Oh I really should have dealt with our marrital problems instead of seeking my ex. It was so wrong and I really wish I could have a do-over. Once I did kick Calvin out he really did change into an amazing husband and here I was scared he'd go back to his old ways..I made a very very bad choice and now I am here (mentaly and physically) to see how wonderful he is. I continue to give Calvin my total devotion every day now. We are doing really good. It's natural for him to be afraid to trust me. Shoot if I put myself in his shoes wow the trust has got to be hard. We are searching for a new counselor. We will get better and better every day, I believe it just takes time. We do talk about the EA alot. I don't like to but will do whatever I can to help him heal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

Booked a jacuzzi suite for the weekend with tickets for the comedy club,things are going very well,connection between us is strong and getting srtonger.Really feel good about this.Both of us are putting a lot into this marriage,working at it like our lives depend on it and it does.Feels so damn good.Its nice to be happy again.never surrender and keep your head high,there is always hope.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim

Have a great time and enjoy each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hisfac

calvin said:


> I've never seen huband and wife both post on here at the same time and tell their story.This happen much?


No it doesn't happen very often and that's for good reason. 

When it does happen it doesn't end well. Support forums are not a place for both parties to be seeking advice. 

I read this entire thread as well as a good chunk of calvin's back posts and this is one heck of a "turnaround" in a period of less than 7 weeks by a woman who at first was highly suspected by many seasoned posters of having a PA who denies it in her very words on this forum, even though she acknowledges meeting up with the guy more than once.

I sure hope calvin is keeping tabs on CantSitStill and she is being completely open with him about anything and everything he wants and needs to know.


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## calvin

I am and she does..for real.
I know a lot of people dont believe it and yes nothing physical happened,it still was an affair in my mind and hers but things are coming around.
Guess it happens sometimes
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

Calvin is keeping a close eye on CanSitStill and CSS is keeping a close eye on herself as well.
I wonder sometimes and have second thoughts but at the hotel she took my interrogation once again,answers did not deviate in the slightest.
She cries quite a bit and is always huging and touching me,apologizing over and over.We are both pluged into eachother firmly.
So,is it really possible for a R to go decent like ours? Oh, believe me,the bumps are many but getting fewer .Looks good,smells good ,feels good to.I'm not stupid or blinded by a false love.
I (we) have a way to go and we both know it.
This is going to work,if only any of you could see us together or be a fly on the wall,you would know this is on its way to a success story.It does happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Complexity

Wow I remember reading your earlier threads Calvin. You were so desperate to fix things with your wife. Didn't think you'd make it to be honest. So glad everything turned around though. Your wife appears to be doing all the right things to mend the relationship.


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## sadwithouthim

calvin said:


> Calvin is keeping a close eye on CanSitStill and CSS is keeping a close eye on herself as well.
> I wonder sometimes and have second thoughts but at the hotel she took my interrogation once again,answers did not deviate in the slightest.
> She cries quite a bit and is always huging and touching me,apologizing over and over.We are both pluged into eachother firmly.
> So,is it really possible for a R to go decent like ours? Oh, believe me,the bumps are many but getting fewer .Looks good,smells good ,feels good to.I'm not stupid or blinded by a false love.
> I (we) have a way to go and we both know it.
> This is going to work,if only any of you could see us together or be a fly on the wall,you would know this is on its way to a success story.It does happen.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Cheers! I'm happy for your continued progress together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill

It's been a bumpy road but at least we are both trying 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill

God I really love Calvin
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602

Calvin - some of my biggest mistakes have been life changing. Sometimes I "get it" in a flash. 

Something happens or a comment from someone makes me see things from an alternate point of view. I know I am wrong instantly. 

I understand the posters who think that CSS did a 180 in a short time. 

Realization of wrong doing does not necessarily take lots of time to happen. It can come in a moment of clarity. 

So I think that the rapidity of her turnaround may not be an indication of lack of sincerely. 

Calvin and CSS from what I have read, you still have a long way to go. There may be set backs and moments when Calvin will have doubts or seem to go back over old territory. 

CSS when he has these moments just go back to what happened and put yourself in his shoes. I think standing there will help you support him. 

Another thing I thought of going forward. In a yr or two the new honeymoon period will be over and then the real hard work begins. 

May preparing for this by reading about the stages of a relationship. There will be conflict and maybe the emergence of old and new problems. 

So I think it is important to work on conflict resolution and how you will both get it right this time. The very best to you guys.


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## the guy

On a lighter side I just can't stop thinking about calvin and CSS sitting on the couch, next to each other typing away here at TAM. LOL

I'm just waiting to see yours or CSS next post " whats for dinner" or better yet " were's the remote. LOL

You both are awsome!


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## calvin

Thank you Catherine,wise as always.Youre a true gem,I appriciate all the advice you have given us,you really helped out when things looked bleak but it seems things are getting better,not easier but better,it takes a lot of work for us both.
Thank you for the encouragement ThatGuy,I really do believe we'll make it.
We are going back to MC this week with a different couselor,a much better one than we had before.Thank you all for your concern,been a huge help and had quite an impack on me and CSS
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill

It asn't been easy..as the days go by the more I see how I contributed to alot of things I've done wrong throughout our marriage..really been getting a good look at myself and it's been an emotional rollercoaster..It's bee rough but good for the fact that I know what things I need to work on and so does Calvin. It's kinda like starting all over yet the affair haunts us both at times..the good thing is I will never give up on our marriage and I don't see Calvin giving up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602

CSS don't be too hard on yourself. Your man loves you even when you were imperfect. He saw that precious core that you had hiding in there. Life is a process. It feels good to realize where you went wrong and have the commitment to fix it. Not everyone does that. It ain't easy that's why. 

You have insight and that is positive use it but be kind to yourself and work on forgiving yourself. If you can forgive yourself you will be able to stand by Calvin in his journey. If you don't forgive yourself, his set backs will make you feel bad and you won't be able to support him. If you forgive yourself, you will be assured that Calvin will do the same in his own time. 

Take care of Calvin and take care of yourself. Accept his love as part of your healing and his. You are a good person who made a very bad decisions. It is a forgivable mistake if you atone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill

How in the world can I forgive myself? It is so much easier for me to forgive others..So thankful to Calvin for all he has done, he is the best, every day my love for him grows deeper and deeper..The thought that I risked losing him, actually wanted a divorce sickens me. Now that I am out of the fog, the reality of my selishness is hitting me. I had this attitude that everything was his fault..we are getting there tho.. Thank you for helping him through this mess I created.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602

It's early days yet, Can't. It is like grieving, you go though a series of emotions. I have a suggestion for a book that helped me. "how can I forgive you". Can't remember the author. 

The book presents a different take on forgiveness, including self forgiveness. How can you forgive yourself? You must. You can do it. With work and determination. Do it for the man you love and who loves you. I don't think he wants you to suffer.

One thing I want to mention, try to control saying that you can't forgive yourself to Calvin. Here is why. In a back handed way, you are asking him to support you. You know how men are, they want to protect us. Don't trigger his protective side now. 

Putting him in that position may hinder his healing. He will worry about you and suppress his need for you. If he has to eat his feelings they will fester. BS have been known to leave after a couple of years if they are not free to heal at their pace. Just a word to the wise. You have to put your big girl pants on my dear and self sooth or find a good and sympathetic friend. Don't lay too much on him now. 

However, he really needs you to be there for him. That puts you in the difficult position of having to work on yourself and be a rock for your husband. If you do this without self- pity or complaint (not accusing you of anything), you will have atoned. You will be proud of yourself in addition to having the love of a very good man 

That's worth it right?
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## CantSitStill

Catherine I am totally 100 percent supporting Calvin emotionally with his triggers and such..I will do anything to stop his pain. Thank you so much..btw I love to read so I'm gonna do a search and see about that book.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf

CSS, 

This is the book Catherine suggested. I haven't read this but Morrigan and I both read her other book After the Affair. She is very good.

Right now you feel so terribly bad about what you did. I know how much you hurt. I saw Morrigan hurt like that as well. Of course I was going through my own pain so I was not as concerned with hers at the time. I did come to recognize her suffering though and it hurt me to see her hurting. You will need to eventually forgive yourself. You will always regret what you did and you will always be remorseful. But good people do bad things. Its just the way it is. And I know you are a good person because Calvin wouldn't love you as much as he obviously does if you weren't.

Amazon.com: How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To (9780060009311): Janis A. Spring: Books


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## CantSitStill

ty ty ty I really wanna get both books
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill

Wow here we are a year later..I just re-read all of this..wow We were both in a fog I believe. We thought it was all gonna be rainbows and unicorns from then on. I think it got real hard around 6mo and got harder. The thing is now we make ourselves stay and talk and work things out, we don't go silent or bolt. It's hard but so worth it. I never ever feel nervous when he comes home..I feel the opposite. I watch for him and look forward to him coming home. We are both much more bonded. We have bad moments and good. We have our ups and downs (that's our current thread in private section btw) We both know we will always be together. Here we are, more educated with reading and counselling and so much more respectful of eachother. I miss Beowulf : ( anyway it's nice to read this and see the progress we've made since then.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

I love you,I will forever.
No one has the effect on me like you do.
I'm addicted to you,God I really care about you so much.
Love you so much....ok,going out to the garage where I can cry and work on your truck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill

I love you more than anything honey  We have been thru so much and you stuck thru it..yes at times you weren't sure if you wanted to stay but we got thru them and will have others but I am confidant we will be fine because we have eachother. As I said in the beginning of this thread I will never give up!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dewayne76

Good gawd, Ima have to come back and read pages 2-8. 

Man, I'm happy for you guys! 

Take care of each other, sounds like you guys are doing awesome. 

Dewayne


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## CantSitStill

Well if you really wanna see what happened on D-day go to considering divorce or seperation and then go to the thread called Was Wrong About There Being Hope...Calvin posted all about me confessing and how he kicked me out on that one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill

Dewayne76 said:


> Good gawd, Ima have to come back and read pages 2-8.
> 
> Man, I'm happy for you guys!
> 
> Take care of each other, sounds like you guys are doing awesome.
> 
> Dewayne


btw thank you for being happy for us  reconcilliation is possible but it's also painful and alot of work..yet so worth it in our case 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oncehisangel

hold on tight you two....go get old and grey together and let your love live.

nice to read for a change. 


love and peace to the both of you


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## calvin

CantSitStill said:


> Well if you really wanna see what happened on D-day go to considering divorce or seperation and then go to the thread called Was Wrong About There Being Hope...Calvin posted all about me confessing and how he kicked me out on that one.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No way I ever want to read that thread again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill

We have been through so much, at the beginning of this thread we were oh so happy but boy have we had our ups and downs and they aren't over but yes fewer downs lately  I love the hell outa you Calvin 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

Calvin needs to be more British.

And calm the fvck down a little. He gets too worked up. 

I know, CSS, start having him drink Earl Gray tea in the morning instead of joe.


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## calvin

I want this thread dead and buried.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

bandit.45 said:


> Calvin needs to be more British.
> 
> And calm the fvck down a little. He gets too worked up.
> 
> I know, CSS, start having him drink Earl Gray tea in the morning instead of joe.


She'd slip me a mickey.
I'm killing this thread
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill

NOO I want someone to read and learn how messed up my head was soo that he will take action
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

Leave the thread up Calvin.

I wish I had not deleted mine. It was a stupid impulsive thing to do. 

There are alot of hurting folks who could learn from your experience. Just don't come back to it anymore.


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## calvin

bandit.45 said:


> Leave the thread up Calvin.
> 
> I wish I had not deleted mine. It was a stupid impulsive thing to do.
> 
> There are alot of hurting folks who could learn from your experience. Just don't come back to it anymore.


I did once a few months ago,I didnt like it.
CSS did some re-writing of our history,it was all my fault acording to her.
Its funny,I tried to bring up all the good times we had,she didnt want to have none of it.
After we were back together and I wanted out,she brought up all the good times we had,I wanted none of it either.
Its strange how life works sometimes.
What matters is where we are now.
I wont kill the thread.
I wont go back and read it again,ever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

I wish you would have kept your thread Bandit.
Could be usefull to a lot here but I dont blame ya.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

Yeah I do too. At the time it seemed to be the right thing to do, but I was pissed and frustrated about something and took it down. 

If I'm not mistaken Halien may still have 21 Years Down the Hole Part II still in the archives where they locked it. That was a legendary thread...if I do say so myself. God we had fun didn't we?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

bandit.45 said:


> Yeah I do too. At the time it seemed to be the right thing to do, but I was pissed and frustrated about something and took it down.
> 
> If I'm not mistaken Halien may still have 21 Years Down the Hole Part II still in the archives where they locked it. That was a legendary thread...if I do say so myself. God we had fun didn't we?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah we did have a lot of fun on there,it helps everyone cope with the crap in their lives,it was an escape for a lot of us,something to look foward too.
That thread helped a lot of us heal to a point.
Lot of laughs,good medicine
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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