# Memories of her haunt me



## Richi300 (Aug 11, 2016)

Although I'm at a better place mentally than I was while going through the separation and now divorce. It still feels like at any minute I will wake up and my life as I remember it would be back. I can't help but think what went wrong and why wasn't I worth it to her. Now I have a better paying job, starting to loss much needed weight....I have no one to share it with. There are times I'm excited for the future then there are times when all I can do is think of my ex. I see things in the store I know she would like and it hurts for all of 5 minutes. That's the place im at right now. 5 minutes of pain....acceptance but the lingering feelings remain. I know I will never forget what we had. Even writing this ....it hits me that this is actually happening. This my life right now...Im a divorce man......and my once bestfriend is gone... to be honest there was no reason for it. She chose to cheat which I still can't understand....and now I'm paying for it emotionally in spurts. Time heals everything. My patience is shot though. I have tried sleeping with other women that knew my situation...they both wanted to get her off my mind but all it did was make me feel guilty. Sad I know. I'm just going through the motions.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Yep. Been there, done that many years ago. It haunted me for a long time even though I knew I was better off without her. It was hard to get my heart to listen to my logical mind. Still blindsides me once in a while.

What I did was I wrote down, as clearly as possible, all the reasons why I was so much better off. I put the list in a drawer and when I occasionally got a case of the "haunting" I pulled out the list and forced myself to comprehend and believe the hard clear logic scrawled upon the paper. This way I forced my heart to submit to my mind. 

Practice makes perfect. And lest you doubt yourself, I can attest to the truth in GOOD RIDDANCE TO A CHEATER!


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## Richi300 (Aug 11, 2016)

Hmmm. That's actually a good idea. I already know karma is going to bite her in the ass. She gave me the house in the divorce.....a little while later I received a huge raise. But still sucks this had to go down and your right my logic is trying to line up with my heart. Just my heart is being a jerk about it. For some reason I can't stop thinking about the what if's at random moments. I think I'm going to try that strategy.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You force those thoughts back down and keep them from messing with your life. 
Stop giving that rotten person the power to continue hurting you. 
Haunting is a good term, because the person you loved is dead. Perhaps they never existed except in your dreams. Dream of a new woman that keeps her vows--- and give yourself the chance to find her.
The right woman can vanquish those ghosts of the past. You have to persevere.
Consider giving all that pain up to One that can handle it. 
I know exactly what you speak of. When I feel those thoughts coming on, I force myself to remember who she really showed herself to be, who she really is. And I am at peace. I will not let my cheating ex ruin my happiness. You don't have to, either.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Truth be told, I think that this happens to most every BS. It actually took me a few years ~ but for others, it may take little time, and for others still, it may take much longer when compared to people like me!

The important thing here is to eventually absolve yourself by the offering of forgiveness because that, in and of itself, seems to have a soul-cleansing effect!

But while forgiveness is a good and a paramount thing, always remembering what it was that has happened to you is going to be divine, for it is that that greatly aids you in your not ever attempting to revisit or repeat those same painful mistakes from your past!*


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You're still mourning the relationship. It's OK, as long as you are also learning to live without her. There comes a time when the mourning ends as long as you're keeping active doing things with others or alone.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

OP just remember you're a good guy, and she's the one where her characters is in question. Your heart is missing the girl that she used to be she is no longer that girl she became a POS. The girl you used to know died and out of the ashes came Satan > just try to think of it in anyway you can to get over her but the only thing you have that's going to help you is time. If it makes you feel better nothing well. Honestly because you're missing the your wife that doesn't exist anymore that's the truth. 

What I truly believe is that. we are supposed to learn and I'm sure others will agree. The tremendous emptiness and emotional pain we experience is so excruciating pain to help us learn wow I don't want to experience that pain again.! that hurt really bad.! Do we ever really learn.? most of us Do not learn that easy. Unfortunately it takes time after time we touch the pot on the stove over and over again knowing full well that sh!t is hot. Also we are supposed to grow emotionally mature from these unfortunate situations. so that we become a mentally stronger person. So the next time were in a similar situation. Enabling us to make a more mature and rational decision.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Look up the five stages of grief. Basically, it's what you are going through. My counselor told me, neither I nor my ex are the same person we were then. It's true and it's sad. It can be good, since you have learned something valuable about folks and about yourself.

Those bonding chemicals are very strong. When you do finally meet someone else, you won't love the same. You may love better. New neural pathways will be produced due to the happiness you share with that special someone. You will create new memories that will fill you with joy.

Some of these "good" memories will still be there. Many will be gone. The ones that changed your life will sometimes crop up, inciting emotions. You will be able to push the aside with the tools of knowledge that you did the right thing and new interests, hobbies and goals.

I wish I could tell you it will all go away. It doesn't, if you really loved her. It just gets easier to deal with. You will be okay and maybe much happier in the end. 

Hang in there and make new goals and live to make the most out of your life. You can't share your love unless you are filled with it inside. Learn to love yourself.


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## Richi300 (Aug 11, 2016)

For my emotional state...All I can say is its no where near as bad as it was. Still it isn't easy. I'm going to do my best not to let this jeopardize potential love interest in the future. 

Its hard in today's society though...Simply stated, it is too narcissistic.,more than past generations. Marriages fail more often than not because of people with this "its only about me syndrome". At least that's what it feels like. 

Everyone seem so adept to quit, cheat or just disappear because things get difficult. I don't want to be bitter but I busted my ass everyday at work...compromised the best way I could. I'm not the most emotional guy in the world to express my feelings but I gave effort. 

I know someone mentioned hobbies...well I'm trying to learn a different language. Im'a try my hand at traveling once I get the chance. After some self evaluation...I have really forgot how to put myself first..I'm so used to putting my family before any of my needs. But with all of that being said she still proved not to be the right one....even though the time we spent together had more ups than downs. Her character didn't show up when it counted.

I realize that now. I really do hate that I have to go through this. I know most of you feel the same.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Richi,

I recall you telling us you want to learn Japan...that is a wonderful idea, but as other noted here you need to work this through, i think keeping a journal (as mentioned previously) is a perfect solution for you, whether it be everyday or every other day, writing down your thoughts and feelings, write the conversations to her down, you will be amazed how better you will feel with every day that passes...literally exhaust yourself in your writing, eventually you will feel like only writing once a week and then once a month and then one day not at all...and a year from now you might pick it up and read it and be surprised where you are at the moment from today......no matter how hard this is for you...imagine her life now....she ruined her marriage, lost her home, she lost her best friend in her infidelity, she got pregnant by the OM and then dumped, so now she is living life she never expected as well...and she only has herself to blame....from that perspective your in much better place...i know it does not look like that today....but long run i think so.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Sparta said:


> OP just remember you're a good guy, and she's the one where her characters is in question. Your heart is missing the girl that she used to be she is no longer that girl she became a POS. The girl you used to know died and out of the ashes came Satan > just try to think of it in anyway you can to get over her but the only thing you have that's going to help you is time. If it makes you feel better nothing well. Honestly because you're missing the your wife that doesn't exist anymore that's the truth.


:iagree: 100%

As I've been going through stuff in boxes after my move, I have come across a number of things which remind me of better times. Souvenir t-shirts from trips we took before we even had kids. Pictures. Sometimes that can be difficult.

Recently I was having a brief discussion with her about something which might be helpful for her to be aware of. She responded with some information which revealed yet another deception. And that brought me back to reality.

As Sparta says, the girl she used to be no longer exists. It can be sad to remember the good times and wish she hadn't done the things she did. But it is what it is now.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

i'm 7 years out from leaving my ex. plus i'm remarried to the love of my life.

i'm happier now than probably iv'e ever been. life has a wonderful way of healing us and giving us new opportunities.

and yet she still haunts me from time to time. i still catch myself every now and then thinking about her and thinking of the good times 
the bad times and what she needed that i couldn't give her.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Richi300 said:


> I realize that now. I really do hate that I have to go through this. I know most of you feel the same.


Yes, but ... I think this will result in personal growth into more authenticity. Instead of focusing on your family or on her, you choose to live the way which brings you fulfillment. And that will eventually attract other people into your life who share the same values. Then you will have a much better match in future relationships. Look at this transition as the process to getting to more happiness and better relationships.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Try not to romanticize her. Remember her actions not just your moments together. She did horrible things to you, so no matter how great she made you feel in the end she was a bust. Start to romanticize your future. Make yourself the best you can be for the TRUE love that is out there. Focus on that, not on this imposter. Allow yourself to have hope.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Richi300, I feel your pain buddy...hang in there.

I am 4 years out from my divorce from XWW. As time goes by I do feel better and the depressive thoughts have become less. But honestly, she still crosses my mind everyday. Sometimes it makes me sad, sometimes it pisses me off, but it's always there like a dull pain. I also realize that I'm better off without a cheater but that only slightly lessens the blow. 

I don't seem to be having much luck in the dating department either. Maybe some of this is because of my age. I've been doing OLD but haven't met anyone I'm interested in...not even close. All my dates seem to do is remind me of what I miss about my XWW (the good stuff) and what we had together (family). I really don't seem to be attracted to many other women. I've even noticed that the very few that I am attracted too, remind me of my XWW in some way.

I'm hoping that time and distance will erase her from my mind but I've read before from some other BS's that it may never completely go away. Making lists and having hobby's can only do so much. I'm thinking the only way to remove her completely is to replace her with someone else. I am hoping that some day, that will be possible for me.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Realize that it might surprise you how much time it will take to sort yourself out before you are ready for another relationship. I was married nine years to my first wife and it took me over two years before I was even capable of being a decent date to someone. After five and a half years I married again and hindsight shows I was barely ready for it. 

My betrayal/divorce was over 23 years ago and I still occasionally get a "haunting", but I've managed to get my heart to align with my intellect that the wonderful girl I married had covertly morphed into a rotten person and I am better off to have been betrayed years ago than to have invested more of myself into a person who would ultimately fail me. 

I now value and appreciate the profound "enlightenment" I've acquired from the experience, but I sure wouldn't willingly sign up for another ride on the betrayal wagon. Give yourself time to heal and absorb the lessons from your experience before you get into another relationship.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

I regret not seeking counseling after my one significant break up 3 decades ago. I did not take it well. Definitely could have used some help getting unstuck.

I eventually sought counseling years later, and I suppose I still had some of that to let go of, though that was not the only motivator.

I don't recall a single insight any counselor gave me, but I benefited. It was the process of talking about it (and other things) and laying it to rest that yielded the benefits, best I can tell.

A book called "You Don't Have to Suffer" was relieving. I'd agree there is probably help from learning about grief. There surely are counselirs who specialize in grief and divorce. Psychologytoday.com has a good tool for finding counsrlors.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

The best way to deal with a narcissistic society is to unplug, for an unannounced and undetermined amount of time. Quit social media altogether and go monk mode. Focus on your healing. Do wholesome things you enjoy. Try new things you've never done. 

The people who actually care about maintaining contact the old ways, will come out of the woodwork to know how you are.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

sokillme said:


> Try not to romanticize her. Remember her actions not just your moments together. She did horrible things to you, so no matter how great she made you feel in the end she was a bust. Start to romanticize your future. Make yourself the best you can be for the TRUE love that is out there. Focus on that, not on this imposter. Allow yourself to have hope.


Your grief is real but I believe a little misplaced, the highlighted quote above explains why.

You miss the woman you fell in love with and married, and you miss the ideas and dreams of the perfect forever life. But the woman you divorced, the woman who cheated and lied, deceived and disappointed is not the woman you miss, the woman you missed is sadly long gone and replaced with the nasty thing you divorced. Don't miss her for a second, she doesn't deserve it.


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## Richi300 (Aug 11, 2016)

Agreed


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