# Poll: How Much Do I Do Around The House?



## yesterday (Feb 6, 2009)

Hi Ladies-

I am looking for your grades here. I think I help out a lot around the house and with the family. How do I stack up against your H?

My chores: all the laundry and ironing and putting it away, take care of the sry cleaning, I make 3 school lunches 5 x week, I cook 2-3 dinners / week and chip in with dinner making many other nights, I make breakfast every Sunday morning, I help set-up before and clean up after meals, I take care of all the bills, I run some errands, I make a bed occasionally, I help take care of the pets (2 dogs, 3 cats), I take care of the lawn and all the fix ups around the house. I am a neat person, so I am always picking up and putting away after myself and others. The quality of my work is high. 

In addition, I am very involved with the kids (two over the age of 10), making 95% of all their activities and events, I take time off from work to go on field trips with them, and play with them after work and on weekends.

For background - I work 50 hours a week in a well-paying, high stress, dead end job. She works part time and does a fantastic job as CDO (Chief Domestic Offcer), being a Mom, etc.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Its not about how much you do its if you feel under valued or used !!
When i worked we done everything together no one had jobs if it needed doing one of us would do it .
Now im home being mum i do every thing apart from diy !! trust me i tried that to ha ha !! 
mainly because when my husbands home i want to relaxs with him and spend adult time together ... being at home does make you go ga ga crazy talking to children all day.
If you feel your doing to much talk to her or employ some one to cut the grass etc


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## yesterday (Feb 6, 2009)

humpty dumpty said:


> If you feel your doing to much talk to her or employ some one to cut the grass etc


I get a lot of self-satisfaction out of all the things I do around the house and with the family. It's not about whether I feel it's too much for me to handle. I want to know how I stack up, that's all.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Id say you probably do more then most !! And if you enjoy then even better.
judging by my friends when we go out most of there husbands do the minimum .
I guess its what works for your own enviorment.
I want to have every thing done so i get time to relax with my hubbie when he gets in ..then week ends are free for us to enjoy has a family ..
well done to you though because the chores are endless lol especially with children of all ages to cater for


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I do very little with the one exception that I cook. Sometimes 50% sometimes 10%. My wife does the washing the cleaning and the shopping, but I sometimes meet her at the supermarket or go with her so she does not have to carry heavy bags on her own.

She is doing more than me at the moment, no question, but I spent nearly 20 years supporting her up until last year, so she does not mind me having a rest for a while.

I'm starting a new business at the moment, but trying to rope her into it as my dream was always to be able to work together.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

one off the funniest things ive ever seen was watching my wonderful husband work out where to put the washing powder and how to turn the washing machine on !!  lol it makes me smile to myself all the time and the best thing was he found it funny to .


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

you def do more than most.
perhaps to much, if your wife is part time.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Oh My Goodness....you are heads and shoulders above mere mortal men!

I am a SAHM right now, but I would put out much more often if my husband even CONSIDERED doing HALF of what you do!

Give yourself a big pat on the back and I hope your wife knows what a lucky woman she is!


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

Becareful.....it might not be the amount you do....
The attitude is important...do you happily do it, or are you complaining? Do you have a smile and do you get enjoyment out of things (like going to the kids games)
Also - understand your wife's perspective. Only you can do this. Is she happy you help, or is she resentful (have you always helped, does she feel valued and like she adds, etc). Do you ever do chores together (to help her our and vice versa, or do you split like roommates)?
Finally - could she be unhappy that you spend so much time working, and then putting in effort into the chores and not her?
Just food for thought.


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## wantingmore (Nov 24, 2008)

I would say you are doing a good job!
My H washes and dries the clothes I fold and put away.
He does not cook unless it can go from freezer to the oven.
He is in charge of keeping the living room / dining room cleaned and vacuumed, though he usuaally misses the dusting. He also does the trash and mows the lawn. 
I do the cooking, cleaning of the kitchen, bathrooms and bedrooms.
As far as outside I do the landscaping. He takes care of the cars, but I have to "fix" whatever brakes in the house, he is not interested if it doesn't have an engine. lol

We both work 45 hours a week. He takes care of our D in the morning and gets her ready for school. I am in charge of the evenings, bath time and stuff. He is getting a bit better at doing fun activities with her now that it is getting nicer outside.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I've added "firefighter" to my resume...

My wife today decided while I was sleeping (I work the overnight) that she was going to Burn some yard clippings, well we ahve Bermuda grass and when dormant it burns easily.

Well My 6 year old woke me up...telling me the yard is on fire, sure enough I go downstairs and part of our yard, about the size 100ft by 200ft was "on fire" Yep my lovely wife...let the fire get out of control.

I was able to grab the hose from the back portion of the yard, and connect it quickly to the front spicket...and get the fire under control and put out. 

All while giving my wife some "choice words"

So Firefighter has been put under my Resume and my wife is banned from "yard burning" for the rest of her life.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i had a thought .
well you shouldnt be asking questions like this, because sometimes you can put a spanner in your own works.
the cogs go around nicely and they work. 
then other ppl have their input and it makes you think about what you really do. 
then you wonder why you asked the question in the 1st place!
i think you know personally you stack up more than most.
but be careful of what information you actually take on board.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

MsStacy said:


> Oh My Goodness....you are heads and shoulders above mere mortal men!
> 
> I am a SAHM right now, but I would put out much more often if my husband even CONSIDERED doing HALF of what you do!
> 
> Give yourself a big pat on the back and I hope your wife knows what a lucky woman she is!


But that's the point. The men who are *already* doing this much housework never get much exciting sex. The doormat always tries to compensate for his shortcomings by being even more of a doormat. And that just makes the woman more disrespectful of him.

You see, you have to ask yourself what you want to achieve. It does not matter how much housework I do, what matters is whether my wife thinks I am sexy. That is the barometer of everything else.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

It's interesting to me that there are comments that it doesn't matter how much domestic choring you do if your attitude about it is not "right."

I guess that must mean you have to whistle while you work?

I know one thing, more is not enough apparently.

So don't domesticate to curry favor.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

I'll chime in here, before we separated I did all laundry (except her work clothes), cooked and cleaned the kitchen afterward, vacumn once a week, kept the yard in tip-top shape as well as the pool. Washed our cars, got the youngest to and from school and anything else that needed to be done. On top of that I am still running my own business, a lot of the time (ok most of the time) these things (I feel) went unnoticed or I rarely got a thank you. Now don't get me wrong, they had to get done and I never minded doing these things because they are not hard. A little appreciation every now and again would be nice. Not all men care to do "domestic duties".


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## yesterday (Feb 6, 2009)

This is a great discussion and I (and I hope others too) am getting more out of it than I thought. THANK YOU!

I do the stuff I do round the house primarily because I enjoy it. And I am happy when doing these things. They are not boring and drab to me (yet). I enjoy the sense of accomplishment, knowing that I have helped out and that it is done well. I enjoy these achievements more when completed in partnership with one or more persons. This is who I am. A nice side effect of these efforts is - external recogntion. But let me be clear I am not in it for the glory or for more sex. No quid pro quo.

I do not get this sense of accomplishment from my professional job. 

I have told my personal story in several posts over the past month. In summary, my marriage is in a danger zone. My emotional and physical intimicy needs are not being met by my wife. She thinks I should be happy with what she is willing to give me (even though it is not what I've asked for).

I have always asked my wife if I can help more. She will accept my offerings in the heat of the moment, but until now has been reluctant to give up any domestic responsibilities. Recently, and as a result of the fight that has bottomed out our marriage, she asked me to help more around the house to help relieve the stress in her life. I asked what more could I do that would be most helpful for her. Her response was "I don't need another child around this house to tell what to do. You tell me what you are willing to do and we'll go from there." I asked her what she wanted out of respect for her lead role in running the house. I did not want to take over and risk making her feel like I was being bossy or controlling. So, good lesson learned for me, and one that we will I am sure we will work on in therapy.

Bottom line - we agreed that I would add more to my list. I'm cool with that. However, I also feel that her feelings about me and our relationship are independent of how much I do around the house and her stress level.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

yesterday said:


> Bottom line - we agreed that I would add more to my list. I'm cool with that. However, I also feel that her feelings about me and our relationship are independent of how much I do around the house and her stress level.


She does not respect you because you have no spine. Get one of those, and the intimacy will improve.


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## yesterday (Feb 6, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> She does not respect you because you have no spine. Get one of those, and the intimacy will improve.


And where would you suggest I get one?

Spines are not to be gotten, rather built up over time.

I was raised by alcoholic parents and taught not to believe what I see, nor feel what I feel. Rather, pretend everything is OK, never be assertive or confrontational, but play the victim or fly off in a rage.

The assertivenss is a work in progress.

Thanks for your feedback.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Mark, stop picking on him... Just because you have the perfect marriage and sex life doesn't mean everybody does.

I agree that doing "more" may not "help" your marriage. If the chores are a response to "I don't like you so do more" that's not healthy. If she will treat you better because you are helping relieve her stress level and be openly appreciative of your help then it's a good thing. Talk to her about how your help will improve your relationship before you take on any more chores. Make sure you will feel appreciated and that she will be grateful and loving of your help.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

yesterday said:


> And where would you suggest I get one?
> 
> Spines are not to be gotten, rather built up over time.


Spines are what we are born with, but for some they get eroded by life. My step dad was a druggie who beat me, it was not ideal... So yes we do have to build them back up again. I'm being tough on you because I want to see your toughness come back at me.


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## wantingmore (Nov 24, 2008)

sirch said:


> I'll chime in here, before we separated I did all laundry (except her work clothes), cooked and cleaned the kitchen afterward, vacumn once a week, kept the yard in tip-top shape as well as the pool. Washed our cars, got the youngest to and from school and anything else that needed to be done. On top of that I am still running my own business, a lot of the time (ok most of the time) these things (I feel) went unnoticed or I rarely got a thank you. Now don't get me wrong, they had to get done and I never minded doing these things because they are not hard. A little appreciation every now and again would be nice. Not all men care to do "domestic duties".


Nor do all women. And a lot of the time the thanks we get is bigger messes to clean up.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

My wife is a fully time stay at home mom, I work 50+ hours a week as a chemical engineer.

I try to help out on weekends and at night, but to be honest she does 95% of the house work.

It works for us though, I help out enough to take some stress off of her and she does most of the work willingly since she is at home all day.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

We both work - tho I work from home. We share the duties (and get the teens and kids to help out!!!)

Thank goodness of all the problems we have, domestic chores isn't a bone of contention.


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