# Self-sacrificing idiot



## Thebeardedone

So hello all, I guess some quick background information about me. I am currently married and have been with my partner for 1 year and we have been together for 4 years now. We kind of get married more quickly than I would have liked, and the same story with our kid. I think that's all I had to do to start posting on the site! But thank you for creating a space where we can discuss issues with others.


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## EleGirl

Why do you call yourself a "self-sacrificing idiot"?


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## Thebeardedone

Mainly because that's what I do in my relationships. I sacrifice my desires and things I want to do in order to make my partners happy. This trend has continued into my marriage and thus leading me to post on this site I feel like my happiness is for some reason less important than my partner's happiness.


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## SunCMars

What are your desires and interests that have been sacrificed?


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## Thebeardedone

So I have been debating on posting on my situation for a while. I have decided to post about my situation to perhaps vent a bit and hear others' thoughts. So some background information on me. I have been with my wife for 4.5 years now, and we have been married for 1 year. Our relationship has been good for the most part. She is probably the least toxic or concerning partner I have had before. I have been in some really bad relationships before. But as time went on I noticed that we often just did what she wanted to do, and I never was really heard in the relationship. She would talk to me in a condescending manner sometimes while with her friends and family. I ended up talking to her about that eventually, and she told me that she did not realize that she was doing it, and apologized. However, this trend of going with what she wants, and me just going with the flow continued for a while before marriage. Then one day she told me that she talked to one of her friends about our relationship and that she was struggling with us being together. She told me that she made a pro and cons list basically and that I checked almost all the boxes. But it really bothered me that our relationship hinged on a pros and cons list. After that, I just had doubts about my relationship. I ended up proposing to her months later because I felt like we had to do it in order for our relationship to work in a sense for her family. Her family is very conservative and she was getting a lot of flak for living together with me before marriage. But us being engaged made it better for her with her family. I wanted a long engagement, but we ended up getting married in less than a year. My thought about the relationship just continued to get worse after the wedding. The wedding was not fun at all. She became upset with me at the wedding because I wasn't as engaged with her at times, and I was taking care of my family. My family has a few people with disabilities, including my mother. So I would help them out occasionally. But during the wedding, she was also just really mean, and I know it was due to stress and everything else. But it wasn't right for her to do that either, and she did it in front of my family too. So after the wedding, she told me that she wanted to have a child. I told her that I wanted kids too, but I wanted to wait (We have talked about waiting before as well). She just became really upset and sad about that, and she told me that she felt like she needed a child to be complete and to be happy. At this time we were also arguing over moving. She wants to move closer to her family, and be in a bigger city. I don't want to move, but I understand that not moving would be selfish of me. However, we agreed that we would wait 2 years before trying to have a child and we would talk about moving after a year. We also talked about our relationship issues, and her behaviors at the wedding. Then after a couple of months of being married should begin to cry, and upset especially while we would be having sex. She would beg me to just finish inside so that she could have a child. She would cry and be upset when I wouldn't do it, and it became an issue. I felt terrible and ended up doing what she wanted again. So now months later, I have a son. I just feel so conflicted and sad about this situation. We now have a kid way sooner than we discussed, and when I wanted a child. We are also moving more quickly now. I think our relationship has only worked thus far because I've sacrificed what I wanted in order to make her happy. But I can honestly say, I'm the unhappiest I've ever been in my life right now. I feel like I want a divorce, I don't know when but at some point. I can't do this anymore. I am worried about my son, and her as well. But I just know something has to change. Do I just continue to sacrifice and make myself unhappy in order for my son to have a normal family? I just feel like a bad guy, and selfish for wanting things to change. I don't plan on not being in my son's life, and I plan to play an active role.

I feel like I've sacrificed the future I wanted, or perhaps my desire to just be me.


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## Livvie

It sounds horrible. 

Get divorced and be the best coparent you can.


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## jonty30

Thebeardedone said:


> So I have been debating on posting on my situation for a while. I have decided to post about my situation to perhaps vent a bit and hear others' thoughts. So some background information on me. I have been with my wife for 4.5 years now, and we have been married for 1 year. Our relationship has been good for the most part. She is probably the least toxic or concerning partner I have had before. I have been in some really bad relationships before. But as time went on I noticed that we often just did what she wanted to do, and I never was really heard in the relationship. She would talk to me in a condescending manner sometimes while with her friends and family. I ended up talking to her about that eventually, and she told me that she did not realize that she was doing it, and apologized. However, this trend of going with what she wants, and me just going with the flow continued for a while before marriage. Then one day she told me that she talked to one of her friends about our relationship and that she was struggling with us being together. She told me that she made a pro and cons list basically and that I checked almost all the boxes. But it really bothered me that our relationship hinged on a pros and cons list. After that, I just had doubts about my relationship. I ended up proposing to her months later because I felt like we had to do it in order for our relationship to work in a sense for her family. Her family is very conservative and she was getting a lot of flak for living together with me before marriage. But us being engaged made it better for her with her family. I wanted a long engagement, but we ended up getting married in less than a year. My thought about the relationship just continued to get worse after the wedding. The wedding was not fun at all. She became upset with me at the wedding because I wasn't as engaged with her at times, and I was taking care of my family. My family has a few people with disabilities, including my mother. So I would help them out occasionally. But during the wedding, she was also just really mean, and I know it was due to stress and everything else. But it wasn't right for her to do that either, and she did it in front of my family too. So after the wedding, she told me that she wanted to have a child. I told her that I wanted kids too, but I wanted to wait (We have talked about waiting before as well). She just became really upset and sad about that, and she told me that she felt like she needed a child to be complete and to be happy. At this time we were also arguing over moving. She wants to move closer to her family, and be in a bigger city. I don't want to move, but I understand that not moving would be selfish of me. However, we agreed that we would wait 2 years before trying to have a child and we would talk about moving after a year. We also talked about our relationship issues, and her behaviors at the wedding. Then after a couple of months of being married should begin to cry, and upset especially while we would be having sex. She would beg me to just finish inside so that she could have a child. She would cry and be upset when I wouldn't do it, and it became an issue. I felt terrible and ended up doing what she wanted again. So now months later, I have a son. I just feel so conflicted and sad about this situation. We now have a kid way sooner than we discussed, and when I wanted a child. We are also moving more quickly now. I think our relationship has only worked thus far because I've sacrificed what I wanted in order to make her happy. But I can honestly say, I'm the unhappiest I've ever been in my life right now. I feel like I want a divorce, I don't know when but at some point. I can't do this anymore. I am worried about my son, and her as well. But I just know something has to change. Do I just continue to sacrifice and make myself unhappy in order for my son to have a normal family? I just feel like a bad guy, and selfish for wanting things to change. I don't plan on not being in my son's life, and I plan to play an active role.
> 
> I feel like I've sacrificed the future I wanted, or perhaps my desire to just be me.


According to the women on the board, the man is expected to live with the limitations the wife wish to impose, but he has to be a fully participating husband. 
You are to be happy in your 10(wife)/90(you) marriage.


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## Lostinthought61

What I don’t understand is that after she makes a pro and con list about your relationship, and you question your relationship.....you turn around and ask her to marry you....no offense but you married a controlling ***** and sadly you do not have much of a back bone....I would start by telling her you created your own pro and con list and she does not check any of the boxes and you are unhappy.


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## sokillme

I will be blunt. Guys like you get cheated on. 

You need to get some help for your severe passivity and codependence. If not life is just going to run all over you like a truck on a highway. 

I will predict your future with this women assuming nothing changes. In about 2 years you will be living in the city where she wants, in a sexless marriage all the while she will be bulling you. Then in about 10 years she will have an affair and leave you. That is usually how these stories go, only difference is the guy posts here after the 10 years right when she cheats, not right at the beginning of the marriage. Which means there is actually some hope for you.

Best thing you can do for your marriage is to get a backbone. Tell you wife you are done with her crap and then stick to it. Maybe she will change and you can have a normal participatory partnership, built on mutual respect and kindness like marriage is supposed to be. Or maybe she won't and you can divorce her take your newfound assertiveness into your next relationship and have a better life. In this case the assertiveness will be good for the child to. Much better then a passive father who is being abused. 

Honestly you learning to be assertive and gaining a strong will is much more important then your marriage.


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## sokillme

jonty30 said:


> According to the women on the board, the man is expected to live with the limitations the wife wish to impose, but he has to be a fully participating husband.
> You are to be happy in your 10(wife)/90(you) marriage.


The vast majority of the women who post here regularly do not believe or articulate this. Just stop.


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## In Absentia

Feeling very sad for you.


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## Personal

Thebeardedone said:


> I feel like I've sacrificed the future I wanted, or perhaps my desire to just be me.


I don't understand why you keep doing the things you claim you don't want to do. The reality is no one is forcing you to do any of the things you claim you aren't happy doing.

So if you're really not happy with your choices, stop choosing to do the things you don't want to do.

On the other hand if you enjoy choosing to be a martyr, then be honest about it and embrace your choices for what they are "your choices".


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## In Absentia

Personal said:


> I don't understand why you keep doing the things you claim you don't want to do.


He has that type of personality. Great you don't have it!  I would suggest a good round of therapy.


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## SunCMars

In Absentia said:


> Feeling very sad for you.


Our OP is that common leaf.

He got swept up by the nearest breeze and was taken on an unpleasant journey.

Passivity becomes that risk factor.

You sacrificed your own slim fate on her fat chance.


That passionate love for each other is the one box, neither party could honestly check off.

They say that, _love conquers all_.

Oh my, it was absent, so there was your undoing.



_King Brian-_


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## Luckylucky

sokillme said:


> I will be blunt. Guys like you get cheated on.
> 
> You need to get some help for your severe passivity and codependence. If not life is just going to run all over you like a truck on a highway.
> 
> I will predict your future with this women assuming nothing changes. In about 2 years you will be living in the city where she wants, in a sexless marriage all the while she will be bulling you. Then in about 10 years she will have an affair and leave you. That is usually how these stories go, only difference is the guy posts here after the 10 years right when she cheats, not right at the beginning of the marriage. Which means there is actually some hope for you.
> 
> Best thing you can do for your marriage is to get a backbone. Tell you wife you are done with her crap and then stick to it. Maybe she will change and you can have a normal participatory partnership, built on mutual respect and kindness like marriage is supposed to be. Or maybe she won't and you can divorce her take your newfound assertiveness into your next relationship and have a better life. In this case the assertiveness will be good for the child to. Much better then a passive father who is being abused.
> 
> Honestly you learning to be assertive and gaining a strong will is much more important then your marriage.


Actually, guys like this tend to do the cheating. And then come here and say, ‘I didn’t want to get married but I did. I didn’t want a child, but then we had 3. I didn’t want to live there, but I did. And now I’ve met someone and I’ve realised I have never been happy but I love my kids but after 15 years don’t I deserve to be happy?


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## Anastasia6

Luckylucky said:


> Actually, guys like this tend to do the cheating. And then come here and say, ‘I didn’t want to get married but I did. I didn’t want a child, but then we had 3. I didn’t want to live there, but I did. And now I’ve met someone and I feel bad for leaving


You forgot I didn’t want to have an affair but the other woman…..

So OP how about you start taking responsibility for your actions. I’m sure your wife probably isn’t happy either with someone who is resentful but won’t change.


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## Thebeardedone

So, I'm not sure how it turned into how I am the person to cheat or that I need to take responsibility for my actions. Like did you read the original post, or does this post just line up to a story you've experienced before? I agree, I should not have gone with things I didn't agree with for sure. Like that ****'s on me. But the idea that means what she did was okay is absolute ********. Like what if a man did that **** to a woman? What if he guilted her into a child despite her not wanting one? Would that be okay? People are acting like a just hooked up with her, and she got pregnant. Also just to make this clear, I do a lot in this marriage. I do all of the housework, pay the bills, take care of her needs and the child's, and I am very supportive. She doesn't check on my emotional needs often, if ever. We have had conversations about our issues before, and they just get better for a little bit then revert back to what they were before. But what happens the moment I have issues? I'm the bad guy in this situation now because I have realized how much of a moron I am. So I should just continue to be unhappy, and live out my life in that manner? That's completely messed up. Plus being unhappy and depressed for a long time can have serious consequences on one's mental health. I am still this happy and positive person, but can I guarantee that I will be the same in 10 years or 15 years? I appreciate all of the constructive criticism and thoughts on this situation. I am just not sure how it spiraled as it did near the end of this post.


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## jonty30

Lostinthought61 said:


> What I don’t understand is that after she makes a pro and con list about your relationship, and you question your relationship.....you turn around and ask her to marry you....no offense but you married a controlling *** and sadly you do not have much of a back bone....I would start by telling her you created your own pro and con list and she does not check any of the boxes and you are unhappy.


She might have a touch of Aspergers and wanted to approach the problem from a logical point.

Having said that


sokillme said:


> The vast majority of the women who post here regularly do not believe or articulate this. Just stop.


I haven't seen everyone post yet. My sampling size are the ones that I've seen posting.


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## manowar

Thebeardedone said:


> *I do all of the housework,* pay the bills, take care of her needs and the child's, and I am very supportive. She doesn't check on my *emotional needs* often, if ever.


Sokillme hit it on the head. This ain't cutting it and is probably hurting you. In your nice guy way of thinking, this is the right thing to do. But all it's doing is weakening you in the lady's eyes. 

Start here. Read the rational male book -- rollo tomassi and start watching his videos on youtube. You need help with your thinking and its going to take a while. It also depends on whether you have it in you to make the adjustments. 

You don't understand the male/female dynamic - this is what Sokillme is getting at. You shouldn't be doing housework amigo. She's leading you around by the ear. Basically you respond by trying to please. This is what nice guys do. I'll be blunt. You are a classic Beta provider in the lover/provider dichotomy. This will be your destiny unless you can dig yourself out. She's acting out And knows she can get away with it. On paper, you seem like a perfect husband but something is missing. She is dominating you. She requires a higher octane male that leads, is assertive, direct, and takes control with her and in life.. that doesn't sound like you. You are a nice guy. I'm not telling you to turn on a dime and become a domineering, controlling sob because that's not the correct response. In shorthand, you need to alpha up some. 

You sound like a guy who has been socially conditioned by the Hallmark channel narrative on relationships. The only thing you didn't mention is bringing her flowers which somehow I'm confident you do.


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## Personal

Thebeardedone said:


> So I should just continue to be unhappy, and live out my life in that manner? That's completely messed up.


What's completely messed up is choosing to go along with doing things you claim you don't want to do, then complaining about what you have chosen.

Are you so completely helpless that you cannot make decisions for yourself and you need your now wife to direct you in every way?

Which comes back to responsibility for oneself, you are either responsible for yourself or you are not.

So If you are not responsible for yourself and your own choices, then you ought to consider yourself lucky that your wife will make your decisions for you. On the other hand if you are responsible for yourself and your own choices, then take responsibility for them, since you are not a victim here.

That said the following still stands if you don't want to do something, then it is up to you to choose not to do it.


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## Laurentium

This may be quite a long answer. I hope you're still here to read it.
First thing to say is different people on the board will have different viewpoints. You will hear different things from different people. You will need to use your skill and judgement in reading the responses.



Thebeardedone said:


> I have been in some really bad relationships before.


Okay - so that's a pattern for you. In saying that, I need to distinguish very clearly between blame and responsibility.
The example I sometimes use is, if you have a habit of leaving your car unlocked with the keys in, and it gets stolen, that doesn't make you the bad guy or let the thief off the hook, but it does mean you would need to take responsibility for it and say yes, I can see how I brought this about.

If I was your therapist (and I am a therapist) I'd be asking questions about the family you grew up in. (And hers). 



> She would talk to me in a condescending manner sometimes while with her friends and family. I ended up talking to her about that eventually, and she told me that she did not realize that she was doing it, and apologized.


And has it changed?



> I ended up proposing to her months later. .... I wanted a long engagement, but we ended up getting married in less than a year.


It's very passive language. "I ended up". In some way, you _decided._



> The wedding was not fun at all.


OK. Weddings are very often bad days, emotionally. I wouldn't put too much emphasis on that one day.



> I don't want to move, but I understand that not moving would be selfish of me.


You need to think carefully about this word "selfish". Is there a good reason she gets more of a say about moving than you do? Maybe there is, maybe not?



> She would cry and be upset when I wouldn't do it, and it became an issue.


So people get their way if they cry and get upset? Will that apply to your son too? Cos that won't work well. But perhaps it only applies to female people. In which case look out for trouble if you ever have a daughter.



> But I can honestly say, I'm the unhappiest I've ever been in my life right now.


Does she know that?



> Do I just continue to sacrifice and make myself unhappy in order for my son to have a normal family?


No, not unless "normal" to you means a very unhappy husband. Your son will pick that up. I think you already know you have to stop this destructive self-sacrifice.



> I feel like I've sacrificed the future I wanted, or perhaps my desire to just be me.


Do you know how to just be you?



Thebeardedone said:


> So, I'm not sure how it turned into how I am the person to cheat or that I need to take responsibility for my actions.


OK, forget the first of those for now, and focus on the second.

(But perhaps you can see how if you keep thinking in this _"ended up"_ way, you could "end up" in bed with someone else. I see that story every week, not kidding.)



> I should not have gone with things I didn't agree with for sure. Like that *'s on me. But the idea that means what she did was okay is absolute *****.


Exactly correct. What you did is on you. That doesn't absolve her either. It's not either / or.



> So I should just continue to be unhappy, and live out my life in that manner?


I don't think anyone has told you to continue as you are, unless I missed it!

But nobody is coming to save you. Not in this lifetime anyway. You need to take action. 
My recommendation would be: work on yourself first. See how she responds. Don't consider divorce until you've changed yourself, a lot.


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## Personal

Thebeardedone said:


> Also just to make this clear, I do a lot in this marriage. I do all of the housework, pay the bills, take care of her needs and the child's, and I am very supportive. She doesn't check on my emotional needs often, if ever. We have had conversations about our issues before, and they just get better for a little bit then revert back to what they were before.


Accepting it returning to the way it was before, does you no favours. Draw your lines and when she crosses them (which she will because that is what you show her), set yourself free and divorce her.



Thebeardedone said:


> She would cry and be upset when I wouldn't do it, and it became an issue.


When she tries to manipulate you with the waterworks, instead of yielding just ask her "are you done?", and then remember "no" is not the wrong thing to say to someone even if they're your spouse.



Thebeardedone said:


> But I can honestly say, I'm the unhappiest I've ever been in my life right now. I feel like I want a divorce, I don't know when but at some point.


My first thought is tell her this, yet over and over she has already shown you who she really is and how much she values you.

The thing is you're not worthless at all, so given how you feel then ending your marriage will see an end to all that she takes from you. That said this kind of thing will happen to you again and again, if you don't find a way to address your tendency to acquiesce to whatever a partner of yours wants from you.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Thebeardedone said:


> Mainly because that's what I do in my relationships. I sacrifice my desires and things I want to do in order to make my partners happy. This trend has continued into my marriage and thus leading me to post on this site I feel like my happiness is for some reason less important than my partner's happiness.


Then you know you need to put a halt to the one sided sacrifices as you call them.

Also, beware what you call sacrifices, some of those are just life, in a ltr.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Personal said:


> Accepting it returning to the way it was before, over and over does you no favours. Draw your lines and when she crosses them (which she will because that is what you show her), set yourself free and divorce her.
> 
> 
> 
> When she tries to manipulate you with the waterworks, instead of yielding just ask her "are you done?", and then remember "no" is not the wrong thing to say to someone even if they're your spouse.
> 
> 
> 
> My first thought is tell her this, in order to give her an opportunity to address this. Yet over and over she has shown you who she really is and how much she values you.
> 
> The thing is you're not worthless at all, so given how you feel then ending your marriage will see an end to all that she takes from you. That said you this kind of thing will happen to you again and again, if you don't find a way to address your propensity to acquiesce to whatever a partner of yours will demand from you.


You need to shock her out of whatever mind frame she's in that she thinks is normal, cause it ain't. 

She keeps crying wolf, then turn into a wolf and let her know what a wolf is REALLY like so she can experience the difference.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Thebeardedone said:


> So, I'm not sure how it turned into how I am the person to cheat or that I need to take responsibility for my actions. Like did you read the original post, or does this post just line up to a story you've experienced before? I agree, I should not have gone with things I didn't agree with for sure. Like that *'s on me. But the idea that means what she did was okay is absolute *****. Like what if a man did that **** to a woman? What if he guilted her into a child despite her not wanting one? Would that be okay? People are acting like a just hooked up with her, and she got pregnant. Also just to make this clear, I do a lot in this marriage. I do all of the housework, pay the bills, take care of her needs and the child's, and I am very supportive. She doesn't check on my emotional needs often, if ever. We have had conversations about our issues before, and they just get better for a little bit then revert back to what they were before. But what happens the moment I have issues? I'm the bad guy in this situation now because I have realized how much of a moron I am. So I should just continue to be unhappy, and live out my life in that manner? That's completely messed up. Plus being unhappy and depressed for a long time can have serious consequences on one's mental health. I am still this happy and positive person, but can I guarantee that I will be the same in 10 years or 15 years? I appreciate all of the constructive criticism and thoughts on this situation. I am just not sure how it spiraled as it did near the end of this post.


You need to shock her out of whatever mind frame she's in that she thinks is normal, cause it ain't.

She keeps crying wolf, then turn into a wolf and let her know what a wolf is REALLY like so she can experience the difference.


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## Al_Bundy

"Become less so she can become more" 

That pretty much sums it up doesn't it? Also marrying the "least toxic" woman you know is like banging the hottest waitress at the Waffle House.........you're still going to lose. And a pro/con list......really??? Women who are into you don't need to do a list. 

So yes she is using you, but YOU are letting her.

Read the Unplugged Alpha by Rich Cooper, at the very least look him and Rollo Tomassi up on youtube. You have to change yourself otherwise even if you leave this chick you'll end up with one just like her later.

Good Luck


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## UpsideDownWorld11

If you keep on this path, you may get what you wish, but it will be on her terms like everything else. She will divorce you and run off with her paramour. You need to start drawing clear lines for your comfort zone and stick to them. She seems like a dominant personality and you are more passive. She pisses and moans long enough and you cave. So if she wishes to act as a child, treat her as one. My favorite word to my child is No. If they continue doing it, it escalates to discipline. Obviously I'm not saying to spank her or put her in timeout, usually the older they get you just take things away. Start taking things away. Tell her no then tell her unequivocally no and if she keeps on, ask her to leave or you leave. Then the next day open a separate bank account and divert your paycheck there.

Once she starts pissing and moaning again, tell her that that was strike one and walk her through where she went wrong and if she tries to stop being a controlling *****, Santa may come back to town. Eventually she will think you are such a **** she might start giving you respect.

ETA: Also try going out late at night even if its to sit in a dark parking lot. Let her mind wander to what you might be doing. If she asks, just say you went to workout but stay a little longer out than that excuse might give credence to. You got a lot of ground to make up for her to believe you are for real. What do you have to lose at this point since you are already ready to go. Might be fun.


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