# Perfect BF cheated.. :(



## SadSadGirl (Jun 13, 2013)

Hello Everyone, 
I'm new to this forum and I've been lurking on this site for the past week and finally decided to register and get some insight. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 9 months (i am 29 and he is 32) and we've been heading toward the steps for marriage. My bf's always been a really good bf, supportive, super affectionate, and attentive to my needs.

It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago that I found out about his cheating ways with an ex-coworker who he managed to keep in contact on facebook. As he was in the shower, I was just browsing some sites when I happened to come across his conversations with this bi*ch. Some of the messages were very sexually explicit and I confronted him once he got out of the shower. He told me that he was sorry and that it was just online as he was seeking an ego boost or validation during the times when we fought. The girl also has a fiance and she was having problems and that when she started confiding in him about her relationship problems, so did he and it just escalated. He swore to me that his feelings for her were nothing and that in his mind, he felt he it was nothing more than just an ego boost for him to have a woman fall for him.
I left his house and I was heartbroken.

2 days later, I really wanted to read the remaining facebook messages.. so i met up with him again. He told me that his phone was running out of battery, but luckily for me, I had a spare battery in my car and recharged his phone and demanded he open facebook so i could read it. Well, he reluctanctly gave me his phone and I was able to read parts where she said she was "sorry for giving him blue balls..." That just confirmed another lie.. i confronted him and he said that they just kissed.. he promised. He took the phone away and told me that I shouldn't read anymore because i was hysterical at this point.. i left him there in the parking lot.

Now, its been 2 weeks since the incident and he's been messaging me and calling and i've gone NO CONTACT on him since then. A part of me wants to forgive him and seek counseling but a part of me still can't understand how such a "perfect" boyfriend could do this to me. I want to read the the rest of the facebook messages but then a part of me says, no, you know enough, let him go. My friends/family say its better to know now before we got married than many years down the line and have it ruin my family. He seems really remorseful, writing long letters how he's going to get help and how he'll take his whole lifetime to make this up to me.. There was absolutely NO BLAME on my part. He told me it was a great relationship but that he was a broken man.

What do you guys think I should do? Should I continue NO contact and heal myself? Or get to the bottom of this and demand to read his facebook messages?


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

SadSadGirl said:


> continue NO contact and heal myself


This.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I truly don't get the "he/she is sincerely remorseful" part of these things. Maybe it's because I've never experienced it. But one minute he's thinking about nothing but getting laid by his exciting new lover, and the next he realizes it was terribly wrong and you are all he ever wanted?

I just don't get it.

:scratchhead:


----------



## SadSadGirl (Jun 13, 2013)

im still in so much pain.. but i desperately want to believe that because he's so remorseful, he could change. He's really been trying hard to contact me and have never once put blame on me. He owned up to it and really convinced me that he's feeling like **** for throwing a good thing away..

Do you guys think I should move on? Isn't him being remorseful a good sign that he's really sorry and he f*cked it up once?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> *My bf's always been a really good bf, supportive, super affectionate, and attentive to my needs.*


Actually, no. He hasn't. Sorry.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

SadSadGirl said:


> im still in so much pain.. but i desperately want to believe that because he's so remorseful, he could change. He's really been trying hard to contact me and have never once put blame on me. He owned up to it and really convinced me that he's feeling like **** for throwing a good thing away..
> 
> Do you guys think I should move on? Isn't him being remorseful a good sign that he's really sorry and he f*cked it up once?


He's remorseful he got caught, nothing more. Next time he'll hide it better. You've only got 9 months with him and he's already cheating so why would you waste any more time with him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

9 months, he couldn't be monogamous for 9 months? Move along now.


----------



## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

If he needs an ego boost or validation when you guys have only been together 9 months, run away as fast as you can! 

If a guy has been married 10 years and is feeling a little down because his wife spends 99% of her attention on the kids, that might be an understandable feeling. It doesn't excuse the behavior but possibly understandable as to the feeling. But a guy who has a girlfriend of 9 months? He should still be falling in love with you.


----------



## SadSadGirl (Jun 13, 2013)

You guys are right.. 9 months is nothing but a mere dust particle in life. Its better for me to use all this energy to finding someone who's not going to fu*k with my heart. 

What's the best way to end it? As I never said it was over officially.. should I just continue no contact so he gets the hint? Or do I call him and let him know its over?


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

He failed the test.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Do you have stuff at his house or anything? If not, then send him a text, then change your facebook status to single. He doesn't really deserve anymore than that.

If you have stuff at his place, you'll need to do it in person....which will suck I'm sure.


----------



## CEL (May 7, 2013)

SadSadGirl said:


> You guys are right.. 9 months is nothing but a mere dust particle in life. Its better for me to use all this energy to finding someone who's not going to fu*k with my heart.
> 
> What's the best way to end it? As I never said it was over officially.. should I just continue no contact so he gets the hint? Or do I call him and let him know its over?



Now you go it someone who cheats in 9months in the honeymoon phase is NEVER going to make it long term. So to end it you simply block his number and write him a letter saying simply do not contact me EVER for ANYTHING. Pretty simple then you move on. Let me get some things out of the way as well.

1. He was not the perfect boyfriend he was just showing you his face...his actions showed you who he really was and you are doing the right thing by understanding ACTIONS speak louder than words.

2. You deserve a man who loves you and only YOU.

3. You deserve someone who will always be faithful not someone with a bad record who now suddenly GETS IT.

4. You deserve to be with a friend and friends do NOT cause massive damage to your heart. Because they love you.

5. You deserve to be with someone who will put you FIRST. 

6. You deserve to be with someone who is truthful.


And if you do decide to go back to him you will be doing all the men who would fall all over themselves to be all the above to you a disservice. They are what you are looking for he is just flash nothing substantial.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Only you can decide whether you want to stay with him or not. 

You are handling it well. In fact, perfectly. Most people can't cut contact to save their life. 

Do you want to be with him including this new truth? What would the counselling be for? Will you ever be able to put it past you w/o going hysterical? Will you ever be able to carry on w/ him knowing this?

Your family is right-it is better you found out sooner rather than later. 

Now the question is: what do you want to do?

Get tested for STDs. You never know.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh and Captain Obvious here, but his battery wasn't dying. He was just looking for an excuse to keep you away from the messages.


You may want to hit OW's fiance to the knowledge that she's been carrying on w/ your boyfriend. If you do it, *DO NOT* to let your boyfriend or OW know beforehand.


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Send him a text that says "You need to stop trying to contact me, it's pissing me and my boyfriend off."


----------



## SadSadGirl (Jun 13, 2013)

Thank you so much for all your responses. After reading some threads on this forum, I must say, that its really a blessing in disguise that this happened to me before getting married.. my heart breaks thinking how awful and devastating it must be to be cheated on with family and kids.. i'm truly sorry.

Although my heart longs and misses him, my brain is telling me to stay away and continue no contact. I do have stuff at his house but I'm thinking of just cutting my losses as my sanity is probably more important. 

He texted me again today, "i see that you're ignoring me since you're not replying to me texts, i hope that we can talk soon. If you dont want to, at least let me know and I'll leave you alone.." BULL****! What a fuc*king low life co*ksuc*er!! Not even a sorry, not even a fuc*king i'm sorry for breaking your heart, its still all about him! UGH, just a couple days ago, he was literally begging me to go to counseling with him over text message. UGH i hate him i hate him i hate him!!!!!!!!! He will NEVER get the satisfaction of hearing from me EVER AGAIN!!!!!! Thanks TAM for keeping me in check. Some days are harder than others, and I hate this emotional rollercoaster..


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You said your boyfriend said he needed validation after times you fought. Being together for 9 months and fighting already was a bad sign to begin with. Move on...life is too short to deal with BS.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

If all you had over at his place was clothing and toiletries, just write it off. He can cry in your old underwear. He would have cheated later on


----------



## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

SadSadGirl said:


> *but a part of me still can't understand how such a "perfect" boyfriend could do this to me.*


Because he's not a perfect boyfriend. 

I say keep No Contact. Someone who does this out of no where is bad news.


----------



## SadSadGirl (Jun 13, 2013)

advice guys.. I really want to send him a clear message that what he did was UNACCEPTABLE and i hope that eventually he could reflect on his choices that he made and never cheat again on his future relationships.. so I have a question on how to handle this.. 

The ********* keeps texting me, "if you're ignoring me, at least tell me you dont want to talk to me anymore and i'll leave you alone forever.." 

A part of me wants to say FU*K OFF!! and REALLY give him a piece of my mind but then again I feel like remaining no contact and ignoring his texts completely and giving him my silence will drive him crazy. I really want to make him suffer and hurt him as much as he hurt me. I know this may not be a healthy mindset but fu*k.. i lost precious sleep because of him, lost my appetite and lost my mind. How can i make him suffer in the worst possible way??

I just really hate him so much for hurting me


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

What you are doing is your best course of action. Keep ignoring him. He will go on and be someone else's nightmare. You want revenge... the best kind? Find another man quickly. Even if its just a fling. Any exes still around you have a friendship with? That would knock him down a notch.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

SadSadGirl said:


> advice guys.. I really want to send him a clear message that what he did was UNACCEPTABLE and i hope that eventually he could reflect on his choices that he made and never cheat again on his future relationships.. so I have a question on how to handle this..
> 
> The ********* keeps texting me, "if you're ignoring me, at least tell me you dont want to talk to me anymore and i'll leave you alone forever.."
> 
> ...


I say stop hating him, and start thinking about yourself more. Try to let him go now.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

> if you're ignoring me, at least tell me you dont want to talk to me anymore and i'll leave you alone forever..


Yes, please. Good bye.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Any contact with him feeds his ego. Stay NC and starve him out.


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Satya said:


> I also want to add that I want you to be very wary of some of the retaliatory advice you're getting. There's a lot of it on TAM and it's not surprising given some of the painful things members have been through.
> 
> When we hurt emotionally, there might be an inclination to rub something in someone's face, but my personal view is: do nothing that compromises your boundaries, morals, or needs just for revenge. In other words, if what you desire is a loving, stable and long term relationship, then avoid a fling. A fling will do nothing to heal your heart unless what you truly want IS a fling. In which case, you'll draw men to you who only want a fling and not a serious relationship.
> 
> ...


The OP herself is asking for revenge. No one is just throwing it out there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Revenge is never as satisfying in reality as it is in your mind when you are in pain. Like others have said, just ignore him. He already knows why you are not talking to him. 

Move in with your life and forget about him. He wasn't worth the 9 months you invested in dating him, chalk it up to a life experience. You have a taste of what infidelity can cause in a relationship. It will help you to keep your guard up so you will never be that person. Life lessons are painful, but you never forget them.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

No contact is a message. He will figure it out. Obviously he wasn't to concerned about your feelings while banging some one else. 

The only additional follow up I would do is to tell the OW's fiancé 

Take care of yourself and put him in the past. At least you found out early on what his character truly is. I wish I had done the same in my case. 

Get tested for stds Take care of your health 

All the best
WD
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Agree with everyone else that No contact is the biggest F-U you could give him.

There is nothing that speaks more volumes than silence. You invalidate him when you do it. You are telling him through your silence that he isn't even worth a response, and that what he did isn't acceptable.

When was the last time you saw him? How did ou come across these emails? Did you snoop or did he leave it up for you to see?


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I agree, stay dark on him. This is the best possible revenge you can serve to him and his fragile ego. Anything else will not give such a strong message. 

Don't respond to him, and certainly don't point out to him that you hope he gets the help he needs. This will fall on deaf ears and will open the lines of communication. You may find yourself having to answer another point, disagree with him, etc. The biggest possible plate of food for thought you can serve him is the going dark. That will make him think and reflect on his actions (if that is possible) more than anything else will. 

Also, expose to OWH/bf, he deserves to know. And this will also act as a revenge by proxy. And will have nothing to do with the actions of a hurt and 'bitter' woman. He deserves to know just like you did. Try and locate him if you can. Don't let him waste any more time on such a s1ut. 



I just wanted to say as well, your story has a few similarities to mine. The perfect bf and the cheating in 1st 9 months. Though I found out at the year and half point, and there were many other factors involved in leaving and/or staying with him, not to mention the biggest factor was that it had ended by then (though I have very few doubts that he did NOT want it to end! I don't believe him when he said he decided to finish it by not contacting her anymore). I am extremely impressed at how you have dealt with this (I guess finding out it is a current A helps) and I wish I had handled my situation like you have. Well done.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

And if he gets in your face just give him one kick.

He will understand that message.

Have a great life and find a man that loves only you.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

People always want to tell other people off. They write long letters or compose great speeches. These pretty much always fall on deaf ears if the person listening is not particularly invested. Your bf has been cheating. There doesn't seem to be any doubt about that. Not really. And he lies - the battery gambit was lame.

I wouldn't waste words on him. They won't make a difference and because they won't make a difference, they won't make you feel better.

The fewer words the better. No words is the best, in my opinion.


----------



## SadSadGirl (Jun 13, 2013)

Thank you so much for the support.. although it still hurts like a bi*ch what he did I know in the end, this is best for me. I'm still going through the emotional rollercoaster of wanting him back, going to therapy as he suggested, and trying to work it out and then hating him with a passion the next. I hope that its normal and eventually the ups and downs will even out.

In terms of contacting the other woman's fiance, I have no way to do that. She has everyone blocked and her friends list blocked and Im not quite sure how i would find his facebook. I guess the only way to do it is if I go on my ex's fb to get her name and dig through there, but I dont even know his password. So as much as Id want to ruin her relationship, I think its best I just cut my losses and move along. 

Once again, i really thank you for the overwhelming support. Although I may not be a betrayed SPOUSE, the pain im feeling is devastating.. and crushing. I wake up every morning with a heavy heart, and its still hard to breathe 3 weeks after dday. I could only imagine how it must feel to be betrayed after being with someone for YEARS with kids. Again, I truly sorry for the pain and heartache you must be dealing with.

I just wonder how he's feeling. If he's in pain like i am, if he's thinking of me and if he's also deep in thought. He messages me how much he misses his best friend, how much he missed me, how he'll do anything to have me back, how he doesn't understand himself how he could get himself into this mess.. but really, i wonder, how much of that is really true? Is he even sincere? I really cant believe anything he is saying at this moment, and it hurts me that i cant, because i felt we really had our best interests at heart. 

This really opened my eyes in knowing that there really should be no blind trust. I will NEVER fully give away 100% of my trust to ANYONE ever again. My bf was the LAST person I thought would cheat.. he was slightly introverted, socially awkward, and would avoid confrontations and really went out of his way to make me happy. Everytime we fought, he was always the one calling nonstop, telling me how sorry he was, to give him another chance, that's how accomodating i thought he was. But i suppose, if my bf could cheat, really, ANYONE is capable of cheating, just a matter of having strong boundaries and moral integrity i suppose.:scratchhead:


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

There really are many, many people who wouldn't cheat. (Notwithstanding extreme circumstances like being in prison..).

I hope you don't learn the wrong lesson from this. It isn't that you shouldn't give your trust to someone ever again. It's that someone who can easily cheat and lie probably doesn't deserve your love.

You are indeed lucky that you found this out relatively early in your relationship. I'm sorry for that, but you are better off. I've been there and done that. You'll get over it.


----------



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

If you think you are in pain now, imagine being married and having children and losing thousands of dollars........

Rejoice and be grateful you found out about this guy now. Read some stories on this forum to help you through the dark times. 

Stay NC, get together with friends and he will be a bad memory in a couple of months.

Good Luck.


----------



## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

Best way to end it, in response to your question is to simply just avoid him and move on. I honestly would just not respond to him moving forward and simply start dating other people. 

He's got no rights to you the moment you confirmed cheating. You're not married, thus there is not further contract required here.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You know her name do try spokeo or another service, see if a guy lives at the same address as she does.

Then chase that name to get a number. Call and ask if he dating X who works at Y. If he is, you have something to tell him,

Btw, try creating a fake fb account. She may just have you blocked.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Put him on Cheaterville
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

LongWalk said:


> But him on Cheaterville
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



And what is the point of doing that? How old are you because that sounds like a suggestion someone in high school would make. Are you going to suggest they go on Jerry Springer next? Wow. What about walking away with her head held high and moving on to better things?


----------



## Laila8 (Apr 24, 2013)

I agree--put him on Cheaterville.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My husband cheated on me when we were dating, only I didn't find out and married him. In some ways, you are lucky you found out and can move on to find someone better. My husband sounds exactly like how you described your ex-bf. I learned that even shy, introverted, socially awkward guys can and do cheat.


----------



## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

If he'd been remorseful, and had confessed to you directly, I'd be more inclined to suggest there was hope - because people can do stupid things and regret it, and people can screw up once, and never again.

But the fact that he didn't stop (if he stopped) til caught, and tried to lie and cover it up speaks volumes.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Well, you could always kill two birds with one stone....

Tell ex-bf that you will be over tomorrow night to speak to him.
Round up your father, brothers (no more than 3 guys).
Go over tomorrow night WITH them. Instruct them they are to say NOTHING!!!!!
When you get to BF's house, tell him you're through with him permanently, he is never to contact you again by any means, and you're there to pick up YOUR belongings and get them out of his way.
Then YOU go around his place collecting your stuff while your dad and bros stand by the front door. They carry your stuff out while you all leave with dignity.

You have your stuff back.
You have made it clear that ex-bf should leave you alone.
He knows you have family support (and muscle) if he decides to be an a-hole.

.


----------



## SadSadGirl (Jun 13, 2013)

I just need a little support today guys..

My bf sent me a long email indicating how his feelings for me were genuine that everything he felt with me while we were together were real and to please not doubt that. He says he didn't understand why he couldn't just stop it knowing that he didn't lack anything from the relationship that we had. And because the messages were sporadic (2-3 times a week) he shelved it as being platonic and having fun and nothing more as his feelings and emotions weren't invested into this relationship he had on the side. He wasn't thinking of me while he was having his fun as he felt that it was an addiction that he found amusing and the words he exchanged with her were fake and he liked the attention. In his head he was curious to see how far this person would go for him despite her having a fiance. And that's where he met up with her when she initiated the meeting. In his mind, this wasn't something long term because it was fizzling out he said he was stupid for not thinking of me and the consequences.

He also was honest in telling me that he wasn't going to tell me because it was going to be over soon and he didn't want to lose me but in hindsight he realized how unfair it would have been for me to foolishly think that. In hindsight he realizes he should have stopped it when the line was crossed but somehow he kept it going for some unknown reason he doesn't know other than pure selfishness. He says that he really doesn't deserve my forgiveness and he hates himself how he could even let this happen. He says that one day he hopes i could forgive him but for now he is going to own up to his actions and get help because he doesn't understand why he would do this knowing that he was happy with me.

I've been ignoring him for the past couple of weeks since it broke out and this email really hit me hard. I feel like maybe he is remorseful and I'd like to take him back and try again but then I get the feeling of why do that, its easier to find someone new.. 

Can I get a please hard dose of reality check? Thank you guys.. im having a really rough morning after this email.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

You know you need to drop him like a cold sack of potatoes.

It is good that he owned up to his lying, cheating ways.

It was also good that he admitted it had nothing to do with you.

It is all on him.

Now stay dark, ignore him and go find Mr Right.

You deserve better!

HM64


----------



## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Kimberley17 said:


> And what is the point of doing that? How old are you because that sounds like a suggestion someone in high school would make. Are you going to suggest they go on Jerry Springer next? Wow. What about walking away with her head held high and moving on to better things?


Not trying to be mean but I don't really think you're in a position to be criticizing anyone. Or giving advice.


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

SadSadGirl said:


> I just need a little support today guys..
> 
> ... he felt with me while we were together were real and to please not doubt that.
> 
> ...


1st, he gives you a shotgun blast of excuses hoping to find one that you will empathize with.

Then, small truth. Something to give you hope that he is being sincere. The big truth is he still isn't thinking about you. He is thinking about moving forward without you. 

Then he tries to reel you in with the apology and promise never to do it again. (I call bull puckey on that).

I'm guessing here that you have something going for you. Maybe you are a 9 or 10, what some might call a hottie. If you don't consider yourself hot, maybe you are just a few rungs hotter than he is. Maybe you are amazingly nice and his friends and family are all telling him he has a keeper in you. Maybe you are great in bed, or do his laundry for him. Maybe all the above. What ever that something is. That's what he is trying to get back. 

He was amazingly selfish very early in the relationship. It's safe to assume he is being amazingly selfish about wanting you back. That doesn't mean you should go back to him. Just because someone wants you does not mean they are safe for you, or will bring you any happiness.

My suggestions:
- I like the earlier post about taking some big dudes over to get your stuff. But only do that if you left anything over there you really want back. It sounds like you already wrote that off, which is just fine.
- Block his email. You don't need to be reading his drivel. It's all propaganda aimed and wearing you down into giving him another chance. Don't fall for it.
- Block his phone.
- Draft a letter to him. Keep it simple, "I don't stay with cheaters. Goodbye, don't ever contact me again and I hope you find whatever version of happiness you think you are looking for." 

Keep the letter with you for 1 month. If he tries to contact you in person. Hand it to him and say, "Read this, it contains all I have to say to you. If you try to contact me again, I will file for a restraining order. Have a good day. Bye, bye now."

After a month of no contact he probably won't bother trying to pursue you further. Keep eyes in the back of your head for stalkerish behavior for a while and don't be afraid to get police involved if you see any. You were only with him for a short while. You may not know him as well as you think you do. So, take extra precautions to play it safe.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

SadSadGirl said:


> I just need a little support today guys..
> 
> My bf sent me a long email indicating how his feelings for me were genuine that everything he felt with me while we were together were real and to please not doubt that. He says he didn't understand why he couldn't just stop it knowing that he didn't lack anything from the relationship that we had. And because the messages were sporadic (2-3 times a week) he shelved it as being platonic and having fun and nothing more as his feelings and emotions weren't invested into this relationship he had on the side. He wasn't thinking of me while he was having his fun as he felt that it was an addiction that he found amusing and the words he exchanged with her were fake and he liked the attention. In his head he was curious to see how far this person would go for him despite her having a fiance. And that's where he met up with her when she initiated the meeting. In his mind, this wasn't something long term because it was fizzling out he said he was stupid for not thinking of me and the consequences.
> 
> ...


If he was faking it with her, he may be faking it with you.

If you feel compelled to write something, do so but do not send it for 12 hours. Before you send it, you must reread it and cut the length by half. Repeat the process until you can just edit it buy deleting.

All comeback lines at this point will only encourage him to write more. If he really had any courage, he would wait out doors until you walked by and begged for a chance to apologize. Writing an email is rather easy.


----------



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Trust me everyone wants things to work out. Everyone wants to be happy. But this isn't the guy for you. As was mentioned this guy couldn't be faithful after NINE MONTHS ?

Look my soon to be ex wife did the same sort of thing 1 month before our wedding. I forgave her like jerk. 19 years later and 4 affairs later with 2 kids she drops ME. You would think she would look back and say wow I have this honest faithful guy by my side for almost half my life, 2 great kids. Is this what I have become ? 

YEP I sure did. Fvck him, fvck that he wasted 19 years of his life on me. Fvck that he has been faithful to me all these years and through everything I put him through. Fvck my kids that my oldest doesn't even want to be with me anymore and my husband has custody of him. 

You are so LUCKY, LUCKY, LUCKY you can walk away right now. 
I know 9 months feels like a life time right now, but trust me if you drag yourself though it each day WILL become easier. 

Again take it from someone who didn't even want to live 6 months ago. If I can survive 19 years at 46, you can do 9 months at 29.. 

You will find a new Perfect BF soon enough.


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Time to move on. You really have nothing invested at this point other than some time and effort on your part. I would say time to move on. Obviously your idea about getting married to him is different than his idea is, or if he was truly committed he would have not been playing the field during this time. 

My W cheated on me during our dating period, and I never found out about it. Fast forward 18 years and here I am hating life as I found out that her ability to do that and hide it from me was just a precursor to her true character showing. She has cheated on me and my family. The only thing is that I love my kids more than life itself, otherwise I would be wishing everyday that I had never met her and made other choices even for all that I love her (as I don't feel she loves or respects me and I deserve better). Don't be in my position.


----------



## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Sad, consider yourself lucky. 
That should make you Happy 
I'm truly sorry for your pain, but it's a good lesson learned. 
Next relationship you have, where you think it could be serious, make certain you both agree wholeheartedly on BOUNDARIES and what triggers you. He should be in FULL, ENTHUSIASTIC agreement with you. Make sure you start with total transparency. Not police state, but transparency. 
You really have dodged a bullet here.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Why would you take him back?

He lacked nothing from you and yet did it but does not understand why he did it.

You would never be safe from infidelty in a relationship with him.

At least if you were lacking something, you could fix something. But this is random. You are not safe with him.


----------



## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

SadSadGirl said:


> I just need a little support today guys..
> 
> My bf sent me a long email indicating how his feelings for me were genuine that everything he felt with me while we were together were real and to please not doubt that. He says he didn't understand why he couldn't just stop it knowing that he didn't lack anything from the relationship that we had. And because the messages were sporadic (2-3 times a week) he shelved it as being platonic and having fun and nothing more as his feelings and emotions weren't invested into this relationship he had on the side. He wasn't thinking of me while he was having his fun as he felt that it was an addiction that he found amusing and the words he exchanged with her were fake and he liked the attention. In his head he was curious to see how far this person would go for him despite her having a fiance. And that's where he met up with her when she initiated the meeting. In his mind, this wasn't something long term because it was fizzling out he said he was stupid for not thinking of me and the consequences.
> 
> ...


Question - can you ever truly see yourself trusting him again? Even 90%? Or would you go through your life constantly checking up on him because that's no way to live ..


----------



## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

You guys are still dating. This is when he is supposed to be wooing you and showing you his best side. Apparently his best side is to seek validation from other women when you two hit a rough patch. He may be telling you the truth then again he may not you will never really know. How much risk are you willing to accept? Do you feel how much this hurts right now? Now imagine this happening when you are married and have two children.

What you do from here is your call.


----------



## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

SadSadGirl said:


> Hello Everyone,
> I'm new to this forum and I've been lurking on this site for the past week and finally decided to register and get some insight. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 9 months (i am 29 and he is 32) and we've been heading toward the steps for marriage. My bf's always been a really good bf, supportive, super affectionate, and attentive to my needs.
> 
> It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago that I found out about his cheating ways with an ex-coworker who he managed to keep in contact on facebook. As he was in the shower, I was just browsing some sites when I happened to come across his conversations with this bi*ch. Some of the messages were very sexually explicit and I confronted him once he got out of the shower. He told me that he was sorry and that it was just online as he was seeking an ego boost or validation during the times when we fought. The girl also has a fiance and she was having problems and that when she started confiding in him about her relationship problems, so did he and it just escalated. He swore to me that his feelings for her were nothing and that in his mind, he felt he it was nothing more than just an ego boost for him to have a woman fall for him.
> ...


Sounds like you had him on a pedestal. The truth of it is that there is no such thing as a Perfect anyone. There should be problems and issues and fights. Stuff that you guys can work through. If he is cheating now they it is likely he is an accomplished womanizer. Since it seems like the OW may not even know about you. I would be willing to bet there are more women in his closet, or that he has left behind. It is time you stopped putting him on a pedestal and start looking at the man he is. Not the man you think he is.


----------



## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

SadSadGirl said:


> I just need a little support today guys..
> 
> My bf sent me a long email indicating how his feelings for me were genuine that everything he felt with me while we were together were real and to please not doubt that. He says he didn't understand why he couldn't just stop it knowing that he didn't lack anything from the relationship that we had. And because the messages were sporadic (2-3 times a week) he shelved it as being platonic and having fun and nothing more as his feelings and emotions weren't invested into this relationship he had on the side. He wasn't thinking of me while he was having his fun as he felt that it was an addiction that he found amusing and the words he exchanged with her were fake and he liked the attention. In his head he was curious to see how far this person would go for him despite her having a fiance. And that's where he met up with her when she initiated the meeting. In his mind, this wasn't something long term because it was fizzling out he said he was stupid for not thinking of me and the consequences.


He's lying, sweetie. He's rewriting history. If he was honest and remorseful, he would be telling you that he messed up, that you are not to blame, and that he did things he should not have done. He's making excuses, and he's lying, and it's all the OW's fault. Lies, lies, lies. 



> He also was honest in telling me that he wasn't going to tell me because it was going to be over soon and he didn't want to lose me but in hindsight he realized how unfair it would have been for me to foolishly think that. In hindsight he realizes he should have stopped it when the line was crossed but somehow he kept it going for some unknown reason he doesn't know other than pure selfishness. He says that he really doesn't deserve my forgiveness and he hates himself how he could even let this happen. He says that one day he hopes i could forgive him but for now he is going to own up to his actions and get help because he doesn't understand why he would do this knowing that he was happy with me.


I don't think he knows what the word "honest" means. If he were honest, it would not have even started, and the truth is that - if you hadn't found out - he would probably still be messing around with her. He's one of those people who like to have their cake and eat it too. He KNOWS how it happened. He _chose _to see another girl while he was seeing you. It's not something that just "happens". Never. You don't just fall onto someone's lips and exchange all kinds of sexual innuendo by accident. It's a deliberate choice.

He's right that he doesn't deserve your forgiveness. That part is true.



> I've been ignoring him for the past couple of weeks since it broke out and this email really hit me hard. I feel like maybe he is remorseful and I'd like to take him back and try again but then I get the feeling of why do that, its easier to find someone new..
> 
> Can I get a please hard dose of reality check? Thank you guys.. im having a really rough morning after this email.


Sweetie, this guy is a big fat liar. 

I would suggest at this point that you change your cell number, and block him from your FB page. You won't move on while you are being teased by this nonsense.


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

You must be young...

9 months is not a very long time to know anyone, let alone be getting married to someone.

In that time, which should be purely bells and sunshine and roses, he cheated on you.

That's all you need to know. Get out now and chalk it up to a learning experience. Or you can continue on your current path and end up as one of the people on this site that puts their head in the sand and then wonders how 20 years went by with multiple sessions of cheating and yet they still stayed.

The fact that you are even considering sticking around shows you have esteem issues that require therapy. Please go get treatment for yourself.


----------



## SadSadGirl (Jun 13, 2013)

Thank you guys for the harsh reality check. Its ONLY 9 months, yeah, it is.. but it really still hurts nonetheless.. but i can't even begin to imagine the devastation of having a family ripped apart.. which is a path i might end up if i go back to him.

I will continue to keep no contact and squeeze him out of my life. Its just when he throws these emails and texts of how sorry he is, i just get soft.. because i still love him.

Thank you TAM for your support and for being tough and real with me.. i need that more than anything. I have some friends and family that say to me," he was such a nice guy you should give him another chance because it could really give you guys a chance at rebuilding a stronger relationship..." and then i start to question my own choices. My own cousin told me that because i'm not getting older (im 30) that its hard to meet a decent man and that this guy may just have needed to learn from this mistake so he will never do it again..

With such conflicting advice from my family and friends along with my bf's persistence, i really thought i was losing my mind. Thank you guys for my reality check, this is what i need to hear.


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

The world is filled with idiots with good intentions. Take it from a group of anonymous internet strangers. Many of us have been cheated on, many of us tried reconciliation, many of us ended up staying with our own f'd up stories to tell.

I can tell you that your situation, played out to the end, has less than a 1% chance of ending up with you and a happy, healthy relationship.

There's going to be pain in your life from this. You can either take your licks now and detach and move on, or you can continue investing in a buttwipe and take it in a more prolonged fashion.

Don't allow fear of being alone or finding a "good guy" put you in a relationship with someone who doesn't value you as a person enough to not stick his ding dong in someone else and then lie about it.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Now you know not to marry this fool. 

I learned the stupid way, I married the cheater, but I never thought he was perfect in any way possible. It quickly ended in divorce since he couldn't stop cheating.

Don't marry this guy. He's not the perfect man for you.


----------

