# 9 months pregnant and husband doesnt love me anymore?



## troubled_lady (Jun 6, 2009)

hello all,

well ok so heres my situation! ANY advice or tips would be greatly appreciated...

i am 23, my husband is 25...yes i know we're young and shouldnt be having these problems, but we are still adults and i am so very much in love with him... most people would just tell me to divorce him take my baby and re-marry later on because i am too young and we were too young to get married... my opinion is, it shouldnt matter how old you are, your age and the age you were when married doesnt make u love them more or less, but IT does make you wiser i think... anywaz i am also 9 months pregnant... so here goes, in september of 2008 10 days b4 our first anniversary, my husband cheated on me, i had just had a miscarriage 2 months b4 and was VERY depressed and he was aware and helped me through it tremendously... but after he cheated i just wanted out, and away from him! i was devestaed i had lost my baby, my job and now my husband... i hated life! well i sat for a few days alone thinking about things, and thought, ya know one day i might do something i need him to forgive me for so i can forgive him for this... and when i got home to tell him i had forgiven him b4 i could say anything he broke down in tears and just told me how much he loved me and was sorry and neve wanted to lose me, that i was his life and without me he would die... so i cried and told him that i will always have trust issues w/ him but to just give me some time but i did love him and want to work things out... ok so the VERY next month i find out i am pregnant... go figure... and we were both shocked and not real excited only because of the dilemma our marriage had just suffered but we got over it and were just overjoyed about a month later... but since i guess about feb of this year, he's been disconnected from me, he wont have sex with me, i have initiatted it, asked and he just says he's affraid he'll hurt the baby... so i gave him that and laid off for awhile, and then last month he hit me with heartache when i found a text from a girl at his 2nd job (security officer at a bank) wanting to know when he was leaving for work... and i asked him about it because there was no reason she neeed to know that...and then he told me that he just did not love me anymore, that i didnt give him the attention he needed, and that this baby is my fault and i did this too us, and that he does not want to be with me intimatley and he's tried pulling away but he's not going to desert his baby, because thats what his father did too him... and that he doesnt know what to do anymore, that he has just found that he doesnt need me anymore, so of course i cryed for ever and asked him if he wanted a divorce and he asked if i could hold off on that for awhile... but he wont touch me, we went from saying i love you everytime we talked to not saying it at all! he's just not the same man i married... and he said that he and this girl have and never did have anything going on, but here latley she keeps sending me messages on my myspace and putting quotes up on hers about being excited she gets to see the man of her dreams at work that day and is excited... KNOWING i am going to see it, and i have spoken w/ my husband about it and he says shes just immature and doesnt know why she's tryin to talk to me... but i talked with his mom about it and she was furious w/ him and went to the bank the next day and let him have it infront of the girl and other branch officers and made him cry... he called me later that day and told me that he wanted to work on our marriage and just see how things can go for awhile, so we have been and they have been good, but he pats me on my head and says ok see ya bro...when he leaves and its like he doesnt want to try, he's only pretending until he knows what he wants... i have tried leaving but he askes me not too, does he think he can have his cake and eat it too?? this girl is still writing message of her myspace about some man at work... and he still wont touch me or kiss me or anything... what am i suppose to do?? i need intimacy, and i dont think we will ever have it again... i just have no hope what so ever anymore...i love him and I KNOW he's my soulmate, and i think this baby was a godsend because GOD knows we;re suppose to be together, but is this just something men go through during pregnancy? or does he really not want me anymore?? or what? i need help! and fast! this past week, he has become more emotional towards me i guess not phsyicaly but hugs me occasionaly and askes if i need anything just being nice i guess, but hes a good man, and i think hes just thinking he HAS to because of the baby, and thats wonderful! and i am sooo appreciative that he has taken the baby into consideration, but when am i going to get an answer? or i mean not to sound selfish but what about me?? i am still here...waiting...


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Sounds like he does not really want to be married or have a wife or kids. You would be better off to divorce this man.
He has NO SIGNS of any worth to you in your life in any way. Stop trying to figure it out... he is immature and you should not have married. Divorce now before you have a lifetime of this.

If you ever marry again, be sure to select carefully before saying "I do".. it could mean the difference of a life of misery or a life of love and happiness.

Get away from your current husband, he is 25 and if not showing signs of being responsible ( as a husband and father) at this point, doubt he ever will.
Do it quickly before it gets really ugly and bad and destroys your ability to trust yourself or love someone.

He is not your soulmate, no matter how much you wish he was...
and you cannot make him love you or respect you.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

I have two things to say:

1 - please stay safe. I know this might sound out of left field, but pregnant women are at very high risk of serious violence from their partners ... even when there's zero prior history of domestic violence. Your husband is panicking and feeling trapped by the marriage and, mostly, the the baby. And that kind of panic and fear can make people do horrible things to free themselves from what they perceive as "shackles."

2 - He is not your soulmate. Soulmates do not behave in this manner. As long as you believe that God wants you to stay with this man and that he is somehow connected to you at some spiritual level, you will have a harder time assessing the real him and how he's really treating. He's not treating you well. If you or him think that pregnancy is the hardest time for a couple, you are wrong. Raising children together puts a huge strain on a marriage and each individual. Sure, it brings a ton of joy also, but that's usually when the two of you are working together to keep your family healthy and strong. He's not working on this now. He's unlikely to work on it later. Having said that, there are a few men that go through a crisis during pregnancy and then come out at a better end once they have their baby in their arms.

What was your husband like BEFORE the problems started (including his cheating). You have pointed to moments of crisis in your relationship (major crisis), but can you honestly say that, outside of those moments, this man has truly respected you and uplifted you? 

Cheating once is one thing and is forgivable with hard work on both sides. Cheating twice (yes, he's cheating with that girl, whether physically or emotionally, it's cheating) shows bad character and complete lack of care and lack of respect. Is that who you want as your life partner and as the role model for your child.

Having said all that, have you assessed your own behavior in this relationship with as much objectivity as possible? How have you contributed to the problems and to his distancing? 

If I were you, here's what I would do: I would ask him to move out of the house for a period of time while he straightens himself out. I would ask him that, during that time, he go to counseling/ therapy to sort out why he cheated on you and why he's not feeling love for you and where his ambivalence about your family (the baby) is coming from. Set up separate counseling sessions for you both as a couple (and, by separate I mean with a totally different therapist ... you never want to do couple's therapy with one of your individual therapists - it's a recipe for disaster and bias on the part of the therapist). Establish clear and strong boundaries on when to see each other (have a few date nights per week). Do NOT sleep with him during this time, as you don't want to muddle things by letting yourself be used. Get support from friends and relatives through the end of your PG and during the newborn stage so that you don't have to do this alone while he's out of the house.

See where that puts you in 3 months. I know a separation is a terrible things to ponder and to implement at this stage in your pregnancy. It know it makes things really hard. But, trust me, you want to have things clarify NOW, not later. It will only get harder when baby arrives.

Ok, that was a lot more than 2 things LOL


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## MrsSchaffer (Jun 6, 2009)

Leave him. He didn't love pi when he cheated on you or he wouldn't have done it. Kick him out and get child support and if the girl keeps contacting you take it to the authorities.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

i can attest to the fact that some men have difficulty with sexual intimacy during pregnancy.

your husband is frightened. he's afraid he has to grow up. and he's right, he does. he's immature and doesn't handle the pressure of adult responsibilities well at all. that may change as he grows up. it may not.

what he needs to understand is whether he's with you or anyone else he still has to grow up.

as they say, 'no matter where you go,there you are.'

i suspect your husband cheats because he wants to experience a care-free relationship with a woman again. no long-term committment to work on and no baby worries.

that doesn't make what he did, or does, right. it just illuminates his reasoning.

if the above is the case, then he may grow up one day and feel the pride of taking on the responsibilities of a man full on.


aside from all of that, though, i personally cannot abide broken trust in a marriage. some can. i can't and won't.

but i'm not you, now, am i.

i wish health and happiness for you and your child. you're a strong woman and you're going to be a great mom!


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## troubled_lady (Jun 6, 2009)

thank you guys for all the responses, i know i should leave him and more than likely will, its just so hard to do... i also should mention that my husband and i had been together for 2 years b4 we got married and lived together for a year of that, he was NEVER like this! i also should mention that he is a police officer and i knew that when he took on this job that things would change for us, only because of the things his job entails, i know thats NOT and excuse and i'm not trying to make any for him, because i am truly trying to stop loving him, but after 6 months of being an officer, he changed dramatically...and the girl had posted a message this morning that she was so happy she got to see her "boo" last night, of course my husband worked last night and only makes me think she is reffering to him as her "boo"... it just sucks because i never pictured my life to turn this way... and i cant ask him to leave the house because this is HIS house, he bought it, its in both our names, but he pays for it and has the job... i do not have a job because i lost mine and havent been able to find work since and cant afford it or anything else, given i furnished the enitire 2 stories of it, so ... and i really dont want to stay with my parents, that just feels like i cant take on a realtionship w/o running to momma to fix it, so i dont want to do that and all my friends are married and either with kids or live out of the area... on MY end... i have not been the best wife... at all... i did deprive him of sex ALOT, but i have tried to explain to him that he's not going to work all day and then come home not spend anytime with me and play his video games (i know, childish) drink his beer and then expect me to go to the bedroom and just lay down for him, which i guess i should have, i dunno... but he use to be soooooo romantic, and intimate with me and just made it so special for me (this is the ONLY man i have ever been with), i slacked off on house work, i never really took any responsibility for anything, like bills and things but i was learning, i came from a family who took care of EVERYTHING for me except wiping my tail, and he came from one that desserted him and made him grow up b4 he was 13, and he understood, but i guess i took advantage of it...i DO NOT want to divorce this man, i know the good in him i have seen it and been a part of it for a while and i know its there, i think hes just seen the opportunity he has now and is resenting me because he feels that i am standing in the way, and cant just let me go because were married and its not like just having a girlfriend and just stop calling, or whatever, but he doesnt want me to go because i am reassurance that there will always be someone at home waiting for him? i have told him that i would give him time to figure things out but i wouldnt wait for him to growup and have his fun, that he needs to choose and do it quickly b4 i make the ultimate decision for all 3 of us, and that if a divorce is the answer for all this that it would just have to be fine, i would be hurt, but get over it... and that if he ever decided that he wanted a family, HIS family, that we would not be there for him, because he wasnt there for us... on another note- i really dont think its the baby that has made him this way, he decorated the ENTIRE nursery, picked everything out, and just made it come together, he just took over all baby things, he does always ask me how the baby is and he rubs my belly and kisses it, and talks to the baby but hes just so distant from me, i have caught him the past couple of days staring at me and this morning i guess he thought i wouldnt notice when he came in from work but he came in and sat on myside of the bed and rubbed my face and hair and i just layed there like i was asleep and didnt know he was there, but i also figured, since that girl posted she got to see her "boo" last night, and if it is my husband shes reffering too, he was just feeling guilty... anywaz, i do really appreciate all the advice and i guess i am going to wait until after the baby is born and then just divorce him, but i do want to wait until after he is born, because it would just be too much on me right now being so close, i am due in 2-3 weeks... we're suppose to go to dinner with some of his fellow officers tonight and i just dont want too... i feel like they know whats going on with us and they see me as being a horrible wife, (btw, my husband thinks i got pregnant on purpose, but i didnt, but i told him if he wants to give me all the credit for this baby, that would gladly take it)...hope all of u are having a wonderful weekend, and God Bless


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

you may be young but you certainly don't shy away from tough choices. good for you.

just a thought: staying with your parents sounds like your best option, and you shouldn't let your pride stand in the way of making the right choice.

you would not be running back to mom and dad to fix your life. it's the opposite actually: you've made some very serious and mature life decisions, your baby's needs come first, and their grandchild needs a roof over his/her head.

oh, and if you don't feel like going out tonite, don't. you're 9 months pregnant and you're not up for it. anyone who doesn't get that is amazingly unsympathetic.


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## troubled_lady (Jun 6, 2009)

ok so new update... he bought me and the baby a new car? wtf?? i do not understand him at all.... someone please help me know what the hell is going on!


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

I think you need to forget about everything until after you have the baby. That's priority number 1.


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## BingBell (Jun 23, 2009)

Hi,

I would leave him ASAP and build a good life for you and your child. I dont believe age has anything to do with his actions. I met my husband at 19, he was 24. I married him at 23 and here I am 11 years later, mother of three still loving that man. 

If he loved you he wouldnt be treating you like this. 

Its hard to break free when you love someone, but its for the best. You deserve to be happy and your baby deserves to have a happy mommy.

Your stronger than you think. He´s had enough chances. Take control of your life, youll be surprised just how good that feels.

All the best, my thoughts are with you


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

troubled_lady said:


> thank you guys for all the responses, i know i should leave him and more than likely will, its just so hard to do... i also should mention that my husband and i had been together for 2 years b4 we got married and lived together for a year of that, he was NEVER like this! i also should mention that he is a police officer and i knew that when he took on this job that things would change for us, only because of the things his job entails, i know thats NOT and excuse and i'm not trying to make any for him, because i am truly trying to stop loving him, but after 6 months of being an officer, he changed dramatically...and the girl had posted a message this morning that she was so happy she got to see her "boo" last night, of course my husband worked last night and only makes me think she is reffering to him as her "boo"... it just sucks because i never pictured my life to turn this way... and i cant ask him to leave the house because this is HIS house, he bought it, its in both our names, but he pays for it and has the job... i do not have a job because i lost mine and havent been able to find work since and cant afford it or anything else, given i furnished the enitire 2 stories of it, so ... and i really dont want to stay with my parents, that just feels like i cant take on a realtionship w/o running to momma to fix it, so i dont want to do that and all my friends are married and either with kids or live out of the area... on MY end... i have not been the best wife... at all... i did deprive him of sex ALOT, but i have tried to explain to him that he's not going to work all day and then come home not spend anytime with me and play his video games (i know, childish) drink his beer and then expect me to go to the bedroom and just lay down for him, which i guess i should have, i dunno... but he use to be soooooo romantic, and intimate with me and just made it so special for me (this is the ONLY man i have ever been with), i slacked off on house work, i never really took any responsibility for anything, like bills and things but i was learning, i came from a family who took care of EVERYTHING for me except wiping my tail, and he came from one that desserted him and made him grow up b4 he was 13, and he understood, but i guess i took advantage of it...i DO NOT want to divorce this man, i know the good in him i have seen it and been a part of it for a while and i know its there, i think hes just seen the opportunity he has now and is resenting me because he feels that i am standing in the way, and cant just let me go because were married and its not like just having a girlfriend and just stop calling, or whatever, but he doesnt want me to go because i am reassurance that there will always be someone at home waiting for him? i have told him that i would give him time to figure things out but i wouldnt wait for him to growup and have his fun, that he needs to choose and do it quickly b4 i make the ultimate decision for all 3 of us, and that if a divorce is the answer for all this that it would just have to be fine, i would be hurt, but get over it... and that if he ever decided that he wanted a family, HIS family, that we would not be there for him, because he wasnt there for us... on another note- i really dont think its the baby that has made him this way, he decorated the ENTIRE nursery, picked everything out, and just made it come together, he just took over all baby things, he does always ask me how the baby is and he rubs my belly and kisses it, and talks to the baby but hes just so distant from me, i have caught him the past couple of days staring at me and this morning i guess he thought i wouldnt notice when he came in from work but he came in and sat on myside of the bed and rubbed my face and hair and i just layed there like i was asleep and didnt know he was there, but i also figured, since that girl posted she got to see her "boo" last night, and if it is my husband shes reffering too, he was just feeling guilty... anywaz, i do really appreciate all the advice and i guess i am going to wait until after the baby is born and then just divorce him, but i do want to wait until after he is born, because it would just be too much on me right now being so close, i am due in 2-3 weeks... we're suppose to go to dinner with some of his fellow officers tonight and i just dont want too... i feel like they know whats going on with us and they see me as being a horrible wife, (btw, my husband thinks i got pregnant on purpose, but i didnt, but i told him if he wants to give me all the credit for this baby, that would gladly take it)...hope all of u are having a wonderful weekend, and God Bless


does not matter if he is a police officer of the king of a small country... he is not a good husband.
yes you should wait to divorce him, at least a year or two....
I'm sure he is the type who will become jealous of the baby too....


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

My first husband was similar. I tried so hard to hold onto him...and he too didn't want a lot to do with me when I was pregnant. I denied to myself and others what I knew in my heart ...that he was constantly cheating on me. Right after our son was born...he left me. Said that I spent too much time with the baby...and didn't love him anymore. Wasn't true...but he made me the bad guy. He was gone one month and our son was four months old. He came over one night....drunk and pitiful. He admitted to cheating on me and tried to get me and my baby to leave with him. When I didn't...he started to leave, then turned around...and with my baby in my arms....grabbed me by the back of my head and hit the three or four times right in the face. I only got him to stop hitting me by screaming that he had hit our son. He left....I called a friend to come get me and my son. As we were pulling away...he drove by. Come to find out, he had gone and got his gun. He was going ot kill me....probably our son...and maybe himself. Point is....when a man says he doesn't love you.....he usually means it. And a man who needs more attention than his pregnant wife....isn't a man. I escaped that life.....and three years later he signed away parental rights to our son....which he swore he would never do. I was about your age. 22. I got our with my life, barely. Please be careful. And consider this. That child is looking to you for protection.....when he or she gets here....you will truely know what love is. I promise. God bless and keep you safe.


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