# Disagree on Priorities with Finances



## emotionalreck (Nov 3, 2010)

My husband and I disagree so much on what is important and what isn't. I want to cut back on the cable, internet service we have and do more to keep my kids in daycare because I feel the daycare they are in is preparing them for how school will be in the future. They are learning social skills. They really enjoy being there and have learned so much while they are there. I feel they are really advanced for their age. It is so important to me to keep them in daycare that I have become an emotional reck. My husband wants me to take the kids out of daycare all together and let his mother watch the kids every day. Although my kids would be fine with her I feel they would not get the same development they have at daycare. She doesn't speak english and I do not know spanish. So I cannot communicate with her about what is going on with the kids, what they may need, or even call to check on the kids when they are with her. My kids know very little spanish so it would be a huge adjustment for them because they do not understand most things she says. Although it is important for them to learn spanish it should be secondary to what is taught in school here. We keep separate finances because we do not agree on anything and whenever I ask him to help me pay for things he treats me like I am stealing from him or I don't manage the money well enough. When I make him realize I don't make enough to cover everything he wants me to pay the only thing he is willing to give up is the one thing that is so important to me keeping my kids in daycare. I have been taking time off work and leaving them with him on his days off all this week because he won't give me any money to pay the daycare. My oldest daughter has been asking to go to school and where her friends are. He has a savings of $11,000 I have nothing but he refuses to put any of it toward daycare. He just pushes and pushes for his mother to take the kids. In the past I have asked my parents for help to keep them in daycare and am so desparate I am thinking of asking them again. What is the right thing to do?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

emotionalreck said:


> It is so important to me to keep them in daycare that I have become an emotional reck.
> ...... We keep separate finances because we do not agree on anything and whenever I ask him to help me pay for things he treats me like I am stealing from him or I don't manage the money well enough. When I make him realize I don't make enough to cover everything he wants me to pay the only thing he is willing to give up is the one thing that is so important to me keeping my kids in daycare. I have been taking time off work and leaving them with him on his days off all this week because he won't give me any money to pay the daycare. He just pushes and pushes for his mother to take the kids. In the past I have asked my parents for help to keep them in daycare and am so desparate I am thinking of asking them again. What is the right thing to do?


 You will not like my answer, but I agree with your husband, you are the one insisting they remain in Daycare, so you should be the one to completly pay for it. He has another alternative, his mother, it may not be the BEST option available but it is within your means at this time, the different languages is a bit of an issue I guess but if you feel they are safe there, and have a way of communication. Some children do not even get the luxery of Day care, they start school in kidnergarten and it is absolutely fine ! 

Your husband sounds like a "Saver", there is a reason he has 
$11,000 saved. Personally I would not hand any of this over to anyone to do with it, what I would not do myself. Even my husband. 

If your husband pays for Your NEEDS in life & marraige, he is a good husband, if he declines your wants- especially since you have your own job & money, I think this is perfectly reasonable. If He denies you using your own money, that is pushing some boundaries maybe, but if you want the Daycare, you should pay for the Daycare. Every marraige needs "fall back" $$, do not blame him for having some to spare, praise him for that !


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

If you have other options for childcare, then daycare is not required. I understand you think they are learning a lot there, but you can teach them as well. And your MIL can teach them another language; that is a huge benefit. And you claim that your concern is that she doesn't speak english and you don't speak spanish. Well...you married her son (who I assume is her bio son, which means he's the same nationality as her), so why not take this as an opportunity to show both him and her how much you care by learning some spanish to communicate with her, and you could teach her some english. 

When you're trying to save money, sometimes you cut back on things that aren't necessary. Other times, you cut back on the things that are a big drain when there's another option. If you had no other option for childcare, cutting back on cable and internet would be the way to go. But you have another option for childcare, and since it's the biggest expense by comparison, it needs to go. 

I know you won't like it. But trust me, your kids are not going to suffer in school because of it.


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## emotionalreck (Nov 3, 2010)

The thing is that he tells me what I am allowed to spend my money on. He forces me to pay bills I don't agree with. He forced me to buy a house when I wasn't ready for it. He renovates the house when its what he wants and not me. If I don't agree he does it anyway because according to him he's paying for it it doesn't matter if I agree or I live there. Everytime we disagree on something he tells me it doesn't matter how I feel cause it's his house his money he does everything. So he does everything that is a want for him but I am not allowed to have any wants. If we are married arn't we supposed to be a team. It shouldn't matter where the money comes from as long as we both contribute. I want to cut back on the bills he's making me pay so I can pay daycare. But he doesn't want to give up his luxuries. Our car insurance is so expensive because of his mistakes, his DUI, his accidents, his tickets. But he is always putting me down that I don't make enough money. I've been trying to learn spanish but he doesn't take the time to teach me and I can't afford to pay to learn it and it's too hard for me to learn on my own. I've tried. He doesn't even try to teach our kids. She does not try to speak english. She expects me to do it all and she is not doing this for free. She expects us to pay her and whenever she does something for us and we pay her she always asks for more. So it's not like we are going to be saving all that much money. It doesn't matter how I feel about anything no matter what the subject if I disagree with him it has to be what he wants. I am ready to get seperated over this? Am I being too emotional?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

No, I do not think you are being too emotional, now that you mentioin him trying to dictate what you do with YOUR $$ that YOU EARN & him being irresponsible with getting DUI's, he sounds like a complete A**. Not knowing these things in your original post, he came off as just being a "responsible" Saver who had a difference of opionion. 

Now that you say all of this , he sounds controlling, demands his luxeries - while expecting you pay for things he should have been man enough to do himself. (his house/your house together I assume). 

Now he does not sound like such a Saver afterall.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Simply cut back on the cable internet. If he gets angry tell him then you pay for it. Don't pay for it that simple. The service will be cut off when no one pays the bill.


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## moonangel (Jan 19, 2011)

Didn't you talk about the money before you married? Maybe the two of you can sit down and plan your money goals.

...and daycare...it doesn't matter if your kids learn their ABC's before others. Eventually, in first or second grade, they all catch up. The fast learners slow down and the slow learners catch up. Read about this but my daughter's teacher told us too....and how right her teacher was!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I'm sorry but you are not thinking straight. The best option for your children is to be taken care of by Mom. The second best is to be taken care of by Grandma. Keep in mind she raised the man you eventually decided to marry. You don't want that to happen because you are jealous of her. Rationalizing that day care is the best option for the children's sake is just not right.


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

Hicks said:


> I'm sorry but you are not thinking straight. The best option for your children is to be taken care of by Mom. The second best is to be taken care of by Grandma. Keep in mind she raised the man you eventually decided to marry. You don't want that to happen because you are jealous of her. Rationalizing that day care is the best option for the children's sake is just not right.


I disagree; the best option is for you to figure out what's best for your kids. If you want them in daycare because they love daycare and hate staying at grandma's, then that's the best option. If you want them at daycare so that you can selfishly do what you want to do, then that's not the best option.

I don't think that kids necessarily get the "best" development from being stuck at home with a SAHM. Often times, this IS the best option, but it really depends on the mom. I've babysat kids and nannied for quite some time, and I can honestly say that I was a much better "mother" to some of the kids I babysat then their own moms--stay at home or otherwise. Just because she's the kids' grandma does not automatically make her the best person to look after them. What if she smokes? What if she's clueless? What if she's ill or frail? It really just depends.

I would actually suggest a compromise--have them stay with the grandma 1-2 days a week; daycare the other 3 days a week. After a while, see which one they like better and gradually transition into that situation.

Spanish IS 100% useful for them to learn! But I agree, the communication needs to be better between you and the grandmother--could your husband help with this?


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

Oh yea and the argument that she raised your husband doesn't really make logical sense to me...I have many friends who have INCREDIBLY screwed up parents, who did a pretty terrible job raising them. The fact that my friends survived to adulthood does not automatically make their parents saints for not screwing up even worse.


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