# Atheist, but sometimes I feel like marriage is my religion



## John Lee

I'm not one of those people who feels the need to hedge by saying "agnostic" -- I pretty much don't believe in anything when it comes to religion or god. Yet I'm pretty devoted to the traditional view of marriage -- not in the sexist sense, but in the sense of two people completely committed to one another and their life together, sexually, romantically, financially, through good times and bad times, til death, etc. I guess it's just the rock in my life, the one thing I can always depend on. My marriage has its flaws, but it's always there, and my wife and daughter are like a star to navigate my ship by -- they're a reason for me to work hard, to be a better man, to keep things clean, basically to keep going through the struggles of every day life and not just waste away in a leisurely and self-neglecting oblivion.

No question here, really, just a philosophical thought of the moment. A lot of other atheists seem to consider marriage, like religion, to be another thing to question or discard as out of date. Maybe I just have a conservative temperament, but I don't see it that way and I don't want to.


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## rabbislatkin

You make an interesting point comparing marriage to religion. Marriage, just like religion, is about relationship. While in religion, one has a relationship with G-d, in marriage the relationship is with his/her spouse. While there are obvious differences between the two relationships, it is not for naught that religious scriptures are replete with analogies comparing the two.

One of the hardest things about relationships is commitment, yet it is commitment which is the foundation to any successful marriage. In religion, people commit to their faith in an unwavering way. When people of faith enter marriage, they are more likely to view the severity of the commitment and be able to whether the storm when the going gets rough. That's why there may be a greater desire to preserve the relationship in those circles.

In contrast, those who who are generally non-committal in life, very well may have a hard time committing to their marriage.
I applaud your commitment to your marriage. I think it shows you have a strong sense of what a genuine relationship is. While such a relationship can require hard work, it is most fulfilling and can provide a sense of purpose and comfort in one's life as you describe.

I have seen couples who are committed move past some of the most difficult and devastating hurdles in a relationship and achieve tremendous healing and connection. Thanks for inspiring us with your story!


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## Hortensia

Nope. Marriage is not out of date, it can be a great thing if you take care of it. 
I too am an atheist; I don't believe in the God depicted by religion; there is an universal force, in my opinion, but not that way. 

However, I believe in sharing your life with the person you love, honor them, respect them, be faithful to them. But, I don't believe in vows. Not only because I'm an atheist. But because you can't vow how you will feel in the future. You can vow how you feel right now. What comes next, keeping the spark alive, it's both's job. But most people forget that, and take each other for granted. Those vows are very cause why they let themselves go, they think it's enough to sleep on those vows and that the "work" is done.
The "work" - wowing after "I do", time together, in the bedroom and out of it, communication, thoughtfulness...that is called Marriage. 
In that I believe.

I too can say that Love - marriage or not - is my religion. My husband is my deity, and I am his.


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## SimplyAmorous

Hortensia said:


> I too can say that Love - marriage or not - is my religion. My husband is my deity, and I am his.


When I was a Christian (or tried to be)..I used to struggle with the "putting God 1st " thing....even feeling guilty about this...as I always felt I put *US* 1st, the kids...the family was paramount on my mind... I was probably "over thinking" that even. 

Even from a young age, I always knew what I deeply wanted...to find that special man, my other half...the 2 becoming one....Marriage & family was my ideal...very traditionally minded here... 

What I share with my husband - has been the closest thing to Joyful contentment with my life, it's purpose...the closest thing to spirituality I have ever known.. 




> *rabbislatkin said* :
> 
> One of the hardest things about relationships is commitment,* yet it is commitment which is the foundation to any successful marriage*. In religion, people commit to their faith in an unwavering way. When people of faith enter marriage, they are more likely to view the severity of the commitment and be able to whether the storm when the going gets rough. That's why there may be a greater desire to preserve the relationship in those circles.


I have always looked upon these scriptures to express that *marital foundation.*...





> *John Lee said*: Yet I'm pretty devoted to the traditional view of marriage -- not in the sexist sense, but in the sense of two people completely committed to one another and their life together, sexually, romantically, financially, through good times and bad times, til death, etc. I guess it's just the rock in my life, the one thing I can always depend on. My marriage has its flaws, but it's always there, and my wife and daughter are like a star to navigate my ship by --
> 
> *they're a reason for me to work hard, to be a better man, to keep things clean, basically to keep going through the struggles of every day life and not just waste away in a leisurely and self-neglecting oblivion.*


 Believers would say ..."the Reason for the Season"... . 

For the Family man, this puts a jingle in his step.... makes me think of this song by Hoobanstank ... The Reason - YouTube



> I've found a reason for me
> To change who I used to be
> A reason to start over new
> and the reason is you
> 
> I've found a reason to show
> A side of me you didn't know
> A reason for all that I do
> And the reason is you


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## Aule

John Lee said:


> A lot of other atheists seem to consider marriage, like religion, to be another thing to question or discard as out of date. Maybe I just have a conservative temperament, but I don't see it that way and I don't want to.


It's just like Lender's Bagels. You don't need to be Jewish to enjoy them. You don't need to be an atheist to treat your marriage as being the holiest thing in your life.

(My wife looks to God, I look to my wife, and everyone is happy. It puts a whole new meaning on Holy Communion, though : )


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## jld

I feel like God shows His love for me through the actions of my dh. I do feel loved unconditionally, even though I read often that there is no such thing as unconditional love in marriage.

I am so grateful for dh. He is so kind and patient with me. He is my shelter.


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## Marriedand40

I have atheist friends and that's fine, people think differently.

There are Republicans and Democrats, doesn't mean they can't hang out.

My religion to me is important and probably keeps me grounded.

If I didn't believe in Judgement Day or an afterlife in heaven, I would be a promiscious man for sure. I could be having better, more frequent and sex with different, better looking women than my wife.

I love my wife but I am a guy who is image related. My faith and my children keep me grounded and faithful.

I always thought, if an athiest doesn't believe in Heaven or Hell, what compels them to live an honest and good life and not be more selfish?


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## jld

Marriedand40 said:


> I always thought, if an athiest doesn't believe in Heaven or Hell, what compels them to live an honest and good life and not be more selfish?


Good character?

An understanding of healthy human interaction?

Motivation by love and not fear?


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## omega

My husband and I are both life-long atheists, and marriage is our spirituality, so I can really relate to the OP. Our marriage and how we feel about it is akin to religion. We definitely feel that it is sacred / holy. We have a more traditional marriage than most religious people we know. The difference being that we came to that in our own hearts and minds and without external influences / being told to do it that way by others.


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## omega

Marriedand40 said:


> If I didn't believe in Judgement Day or an afterlife in heaven, I would be a promiscious man for sure. I could be having better, more frequent and sex with different, better looking women than my wife.


This is the kind of attitude that frightens me about religious men and why I am so grateful to be married to an atheist who is faithful to me out of actual love and desire for me, and not love and desire for someone else (God, Heaven).


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## jld

omega said:


> This is the kind of attitude that frightens me about religious men and why I am so grateful to be married to an atheist who is faithful to me out of actual love and desire for me, and not love and desire for someone else (God, Heaven).


You know, I remember reading a review of a book on Amazon once by a woman who was a Christian married to an atheist. She was commenting on how so many of her Christian friends were married to other Christians, but fought often and just did not seem to have healthy marriages. She said that her husband treated her very well. Another reviewer replied, "If your husband loves you and treats you with respect, he believes in something better than God; he believes in you!" That quote has stayed in my mind . . .


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## omega

On a similar note, one of my very closest friends is a devout Christian, as is her husband, and when they were going through a marital crisis (he cheated on her), I asked her "Why did you fall in love with him?" and she answered "Because of how much he loved..." and I expected her to say "me" but she finished: "Christ." This made me so sad I almost cried for my friend but I know that we all have different needs in life.


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