# I need advice



## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

Married 5 years, together for 12 years. We have (had) a good life - great family, nice house, vacations, etc. A few months ago my wife started acting distant and cold. I knew something was up and confronted her about the possibility of another man. She denied. A few weeks later I got the "love you but not in love" speach. She said she was not happy, hasn't been happy for a long time and wanted to separate. I was crushed and in denial for a while, assuming that her feelings would change and everything would go back to normal. She didnt want me to leave until after the holidays for the sake of our 3 young kids. I agreed that would be best, and honestly I just couldn't bring myself to walk away anyway. I have been sleeping on the couch since. 

After investigating phone records it became clear that there was another man. Hundreds of late night texts. I confronted her immediately and she still denied it. She said the texting was serving only as a distraction to her during this difficult time. I am smart enough to know that she is lying. I also have evidence that their relationship very likely became physical at some point. Through all of this I desperately wanted our marriage to work out. Requested MC but she refused, saying she wasn't sure she even wanted our marriage to work out. 

The holidays came and went. We travelled to our home state for the holidays and had a nice time. There were flickers of hope during the trip but as soon as we returned it was right back to the same old sh-t. Back on the couch and lonely. We had a family trip to Disney planned for late January. She said i should just wait to move out until after the trip, so i stayed. She arranged this trip after she told me she wanted to separate. The trip was going to be our last family vacation and she also knew that after a divorce we would not be able to afford trips like this anymore. I struggled for weeks deciding whether to cancel the trip because I felt like I was being used and the whole idea was terribly sad to me. I did not cancel the trip and we all ended up having a great time. Again, there were some flickers of hope during the trip but we are home now and I'm back on the couch.

There still seems to be no desire on her part to save our marriage. She does not love me. So she hasn't brought up me moving out yet. It is probably because she knows she can't afford the house and is waiting until a lawyer can work up a separation agreement or divorce that will financially protect her. 

Why am I still here? Why don't I have the balls to tell her to f-ck off and then walk out and file for divorce myself. At this point I have accepted that this marriage most likely over. I dont feel as hopeless as I did a couple months ago, but I am still struggling to get up and leave. I think there is still hope in my heart that I can save this family. 

Any advice would be appreciated.
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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Have you tried applying the 180 Rules?

Many people on the forums swear by it. Seems to apply to your situation.


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

Should I initiate moving out. I feel like that's the Only way I can take control and show her that I am willing to move on. I feel like that would be better than waiting until she asks me to leave.
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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

If she had an affair she should be the one to leave.

Do you know who the other man is? Can you expose them?

180 rule!


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## The Count (Aug 14, 2011)

finallyready said:


> . A few weeks later I got the "love you but not in love" speach.


I hate to say this, but as every man will tell you who has had that speech, you're screwed. 

She's either in a sexual relationship with another Man or is seriously considering one. Either way the relationship is done. That horrible little phrase is wayward wife speak for "I'm nailing other Men". 

Grow a pair, kick her ass out, get lawyered up, and crush her.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Yeah I agree. Start protecting yourself. Check finances. Document everything. DO NOT MOVE OUT!!

Sorry you are going through this. Its a sh*tty place to be in.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Until the other man is out of the picture you are in a lossing battle. There is one thing you can do besided the 180 and that is make this affiar uncomfortable and inconvienent with exposure and having the confidence to ask her to leave.

She may tell you to f-off and stay, but this staement alone will show her you are no longer a doormat that she can manage until she is ready to move on.

You need to get tough, and show her how confident you are in letting her go and take your bed back.

Be prepared b/c she will not like you interferring with her fantasy land and will become vandictive in doing what it takes to keep you from interferring with her addiction.


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## nick15 (Jan 17, 2012)

I would have to agree with others here. it does seem like she is emotionaly and romantically detached from you and on another. Now, as hard as that might be to hear, it's just time to let it sink in an act on that. Self protection is what you must do. The chess game has begun and you must get ahead of it. Be wise. If you can don't get caught up in nasty games. keep yourself in check and play it smart. Have backup things in place in case things do get ugly. Where to stay and have the right family and friends mindful of whats going on for your support. Definately keep an eye on financial matters. Personal effects of value that are yours you might take somewhere else. I don't know the exact character of your wife and hopefully she is not vendictive. Best to play it safe. I wish you all the best...


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

I won't tell her to move out for the sake of the kids. They should stay with her at our house. So as much as I'd like to do that, I will be the one to leave and I'm ok woth that.I have been watching the finances and so far it seems that she may be using some new credit cards that she got but no issues with any of our joint accounts. I've already opened a new bank account and changed my direct deposit. So I guess I will plan to move out this weekend and see how it goes. I'm not hopeful for R, but something needs to change. Maybe leaving will be what I need to better detach myself from her. 

Regarding her affair, I honestly don't think it's still going on. I've been going to great lengths to collect more evidence but the trail is ice cold. I'm thinking she may have gotten advice to stop the relationship until divorce is final to prevent any complications. Either that or she is experiencing guilt and realizes that she should end the relationship because her unhappiness led her astray. Makes no difference really - f her. 

Total 180 will be tough because I will still have to go to my house to watch my girls a few nights a week when she works. My plan is to coordinate so I can literally walk in one door while she is walking out the other. 

Thanks for the advice. Been on this site reading for 3 months. I'll let you know how it goes.
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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

So I finally got the evidence I've been looking for. VAR in her car and finally was able to record a conversation between her and her friend that confirmed all of my suspicions. I was already planning on moving out this weekend. Should I confront now that I have this evidence? should I destroy this guys career ( its her boss at work)? What do I do with this confirmation? Was Planning on a separation - should I immediately file for divorce?
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## nick15 (Jan 17, 2012)

Honestly, I would take a long and deep breathe. Clear your mind. I'm sure you are going thru an emotional event that is hurting you deeply once you get past all the rage and dissappointment. In my opinion I wouldn't reveal what and how you know the truth you found out. Secretly recording people in some courts is not admissable and could infringe on certain rights. Regardless, I think you have an advantage to be bold and assert your rights to self protect your position and your stance might speak for itself. I can't possibly know all that is going on, but if her boss is in on it the relationship more problems could arrise that you may not be able to stop once you tip your hat. Do what you must do, but be smart and use wisdom to guide you, not emotions.


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## The Count (Aug 14, 2011)

I'd keep it under your hat. File it under "your day will come one day...". 

I wouldn't move out though. What I would do is shift all your money into a bank account she can't touch, cancel all mutual credit cards, then demand she leaves. 

You didn't want this. She's a stone cold cheat, and anything she says to you from this point on is simply a way to try and cover her own arse as much as possible. You can't believe anything she says from now on. 

She's the enemy, treat her as such, and bring her down the correct way. Which means say nothing to her until you've seen a lawyer and have your cannons lined up. Then blow her out of the water.


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

Still struggling with my decision in whether to let her know that I know everything. Of course I would never tell her how I got my information. I guess I feel like I need to throw this info in her face so she can't continue living in denial and thinking no one knows about her betrayal of me. Right now she's feeling good because she thinks she got away with it. I want to end that. 

Is my gratification good enough reason to tell her I know? Probably yes - she's the lying cheat. 

Really thinking hard about whether to report the relationship to the company they work for. A nasty thing to do indeed, but this guy contributed to the downfall of my marriage and family. He needs to learn not to f-ck with another mans family and livelihood. Has anyone ever done this before? If so, did it backfire in any way?
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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

Was also thinking about sending a text to the OM that simply says "what's the policy regarding sleeping with a subordinate at CompanyX?". He doesn't know my number but will immediately realize who is texting him, and would probably make him sh-t his pants!
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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Yes you confront her and mention his name , you do do after you expose his adultery to his wife and his company particularly the HR director and both their coworkers. Do not move out now that you have verified an affair.

Some pointers in the following thread 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

finallyready said:


> Was also thinking about sending a text to the OM that simply says "what's the policy regarding sleeping with a subordinate at CompanyX?". He doesn't know my number but will immediately realize who is texting him, and would probably make him sh-t his pants!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I have no problem with this after you expose to his wife and family , ensure you tell her family as well.
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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

First inform the company and his wife, then message him. If you give him a chance, he will preemptively strike portraying you as a crazy jealous ex husband. Inform his wife first in person(not by mail). Talk to the HR department. Then call him. Then confront your wife. keep your emotions in check while doing it.


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