# Getting over the last bit.



## ecrvu (Aug 26, 2015)

Hi. 

I have been looking for a forum like this as I am trying to get over that my fiancé had an affair. It is my first post so I hope I do following guide lines. 

So just by a feeling I found out that she had been cheating on me. It was just a sensation and she did confirm when I asked her. Turned out it was with a colleague of mine. 

During long conversations I found out they met twice, but also exchanged texts and photos. Her reasons has changes, but it seems like lack of sex, passion and me being available for her. She told me how she enjoyed it and how everything turned her on. I do know that I should have been more available to her and due to stress our sex life was not good. 

After this we have talked, but there is one thing which will not let go. It is the thought and feeling she has enjoyed someone more than me. Like she's told me she never gets turned on without touch, but then again she told me she got turned on by the texts and photos she sent with the other guy. It annoys me to know this and never get a "pat on the back" myself. She says she's never had nettet than with me: I know all aspects of our relationship has improved, but I cannot let go. I've told her. I've told her what I need, but she doesn't seem to have it in her. Just with him. 

It is really difficult as we have never been better. It is just in the bedroom. She told me what she needed, andi have followed up, but feels like she doesn't have the same motivation. I understand that compared to the adreanalin rush you get with an affair things wont match up. I understand something new is exciting and that tensions build up. And, of course, the attention as well. She's always been shy and quiet, but this guy got the best out of her. 

I just really want some advice on how I can relax, stop worrying and start to enjoy her again. It's great, but it's in the back of my head all the time. Of course, I am trying not to talk to much about it with her for 2 reasons. First I understand she needs a distance and I cannot tell her to make me feel good by saying things to me. The other is that every time we try to talk she isn't able to say anything. 

Long post. Lots of venting. Thank you and hopefully there are some constructive ideas out there.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Are you concerned that the next time things aren't going well in the bedroom or otherwise she is going to look elsewhere again? I guess my point, her "excuse" for straying is because she wasn't getting what she wanted from you. I honestly don't see how you can relax, that will always be in the back of your mind , the added stress each time you are intimate whether or not you met her needs because how she responded to this in the past.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need counselling both individual and couple's counselling. 

Does your colleagues wife know? I think that perhaps she should.

In case it was physical get checked for STDS.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## checkmate1 (Aug 24, 2015)

SOrry you are here first of all.

My real concern is that you arent even married yet and the flame was out???? VERY VERY worrisome.

What happens 10 yrs and 3 kids and a mortgage from now?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

This is going to be harsh, ECRVU.

If your fiance does not do those things, it is because she does not want to or does not prioritize you. Either one spells doom.

I am normally pro reconciliation. That said... She is a fiance. A FIANCE. And she has already cheated on you. 

End it. Send her on her way because she needs things sexually that she does not get from you or does not want from you.

Imagine going through this 7 years from now, when children, a home and retirement are now factors...it ain't pretty.

"Fiance, it is clear there are things we need from each other that we either cannot or will not do. For that reason, I am freeing you to go find someone who does."


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ecrvu said:


> Hi.
> 
> I have been looking for a forum like this as I am trying to get over that my fiancé had an affair. It is my first post so I hope I do following guide lines.
> 
> ...



Fiancée? As in not (yet) married?

Do the smart thing and dump her.

Learn whatever lessons w/ respect to your own behavior that you feel may realistically apply, but dump her.


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## checkmate1 (Aug 24, 2015)

YES my suggestion as well, is to move on. If you think her cheating on you NOW hurts wait until she makes a vow to you in front of God and all your family, has 3 of your children and then you find her texting her boss. There is no pain like it- I promise you. Been there, done that 14 yrs into marriage tahts exactly what my H did and to my knowledge he never cheated before that. I wish I'd been given the sign that he was a cheater when we were only engaged, I so would have moved on. But now, with 3 kids and nearly 20 yrs together, I find that I am required by all that I swore to try and work thru it and forgive him. It was In 2011 with Dday in Feb of 2012- 3.5 yrs ago and its only now that I dont wake up with my chest on fire and praying for some relief. Only now, 3.5 yrs beyond Dday that a believe even one word he says. 3.5 yrs past that I can look him in the eye. 3.5 yrs of wondering what part of our lives, of what he said was real....

DOnt do this to yourself. She has shown you who she is--------RUN!


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## ecrvu (Aug 26, 2015)

Maybe I was not clear enough. I want this to work. We have a much better relationship when it comes to outside the bedroom. We have been together 4 years and we have a child together. 

I am looking for some advice on how to overcome this last obstacle. I do not want to end our relationship. 

I would think part of the problem is me at the moment. I just want to believe her when she says things are better than ever. That she enjoys me more than anyone else. Problem is I just dont feel it and our conversations never go pas this.

It's been 4 months and I just want this to pass away asap. I've made the decission to stay, to work on it. Do not want to feel this lack of being enough anymore.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

ECRVU, if she is unwilling to put effort where you need it, while expecting you to deliver with full effort, and you want to save this situation, what does that say about you?

Why are you willing to accept less, to include healing from her infidelity, when she is demonstrating the lack of ability or lack of will to meet your efforts?

This is a sign of codependency.


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## ecrvu (Aug 26, 2015)

Spot on, EllisRed.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ecrvu said:


> Maybe I was not clear enough. I want this to work. We have a much better relationship when it comes to outside the bedroom. We have been together 4 years and we have a child together.
> 
> I am looking for some advice on how to overcome this last obstacle. I do not want to end our relationship.
> 
> ...



Can't say I didn't expect a reply along these lines.

Look, you're not getting it. She's not saying or doing anything to help you heal from this. Additionally, based on her behavior as you've described it, it sounds like she's protecting her lover... which means that it's therefore entirely possible that they're still seeing each other.

Again, do the smart thing and DUMP HER. Otherwise you'll just wind up back in the same position 10 years, a mortgage, 2 car payments, and 3 kids (some or all of who may NOT be yours) from now.

Also, if OM is married or has a GF/fiancée, expose the affair to her. Don't tell your fiancée that you're going to do this, just do it... and then tell her that you've DONE it.

Also, DNA your kid.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

checkmate1 said:


> SOrry you are here first of all.
> 
> My real concern is that you arent even married yet and the flame was out???? VERY VERY worrisome.
> 
> What happens 10 yrs and 3 kids and a mortgage from now?


That's true in general though some people are fiancés for longer than some marriages last. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ecrvu said:


> Maybe I was not clear enough. I want this to work. We have a much better relationship when it comes to outside the bedroom. We have been together 4 years and we have a child together.
> 
> I am looking for some advice on how to overcome this last obstacle. I do not want to end our relationship.
> 
> ...


We hear what you are saying. We do.

It is just it will take a lot of hard work with your fiancé doing 90% of the hard work.

She did the damage she puts it right for you both.

And she MUST be 100% no contact with her former lover.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ecrvu (Aug 26, 2015)

Fairsidejunky. I do get what you are saying. I am not in the relationship because I have to. I am still here, because I do not want to give up on it. We both agreed to work on all issues with one remaining unsolved. 

I think a big problem is that she has never been communicative. I have lived with that, because there's always been trust. I thought if there was real issues that they would be adressed. Unfortunately, that did not happen. 

I believe part of her problem is the feeling of having to say something which makes her go quiet. 

I know that I cannot live with this much longer, but I am not going to give up as we have been able to sort out other things. 

At the moment this is not a stay or not to stay issue. It is more for advice on believing what she is saying and how to pût things behind me.


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## checkmate1 (Aug 24, 2015)

Ok OP, you left out some KEY details the first time around......anything else before I say what I want to say? 

Is there any other KEY component that we dont know......Fiance, child,,,,,anything else?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

ecrvu said:


> Fairsidejunky. I do get what you are saying. I am not in the relationship because I have to. I am still here, because I do not want to give up on it. We both agreed to work on all issues with one remaining unsolved.
> 
> I think a big problem is that she has never been communicative. I have lived with that, because there's always been trust. I thought if there was real issues that they would be adressed. Unfortunately, that did not happen.
> 
> ...


Is she still in contact with her AP in any possible form?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ecrvu said:


> Fairsidejunky. I do get what you are saying. I am not in the relationship because I have to. I am still here, because I do not want to give up on it. We both agreed to work on all issues with one remaining unsolved.
> 
> I think a big problem is that she has never been communicative. I have lived with that, because there's always been trust. I thought if there was real issues that they would be adressed. Unfortunately, that did not happen.
> 
> ...



/sigh

You're just not getting it.

You want advice on how to believe what little she IS saying while simultaneously learning to live w/ the fact that she's not saying the things that you NEED to hear from her...?

Look, I'm all for reconciliation, but only when the conditions warrant it; given what I'm reading here, they don't.


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## checkmate1 (Aug 24, 2015)

ecrvu said:


> Fairsidejunky. I do get what you are saying. I am not in the relationship because I have to. I am still here, because I do not want to give up on it. We both agreed to work on all issues with one remaining unsolved.
> 
> I think a big problem is that she has never been communicative. I have lived with that, because there's always been trust. I thought if there was real issues that they would be adressed. Unfortunately, that did not happen.
> 
> ...




in 4 mos????? are you aware that it takes 2-5 YEARS if HARD and CONTINUOUS work (mostly on the part of the WS) to R????? 4 mos you are still in shock and nowhere near healing. Secondly I dont see her doing the work based on this ":I believe part of her problem is the feeling of having to say something which makes her go quiet." After infidelity the WS doesnt get to make themselves comfortable their #1 deal is to help YOU, the person they betrayed. WTH cares that she is uncomfortable? How does she thing you feel? Does uncomfortable describe it or is it some word like DEVASTATED? 

You say she doesnt give you what you need, what does she SAY when you tell her exactly what you need? DO you tell her? 

There is being sorry for cheating and then there is being remorseful. Give us more detail so we know which we are dealing with please.

ANd yes I understand you want to work this out and that you have a child- BUT if you rugsweep this I guarantee you - it will recurr!!


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

ecrvu,

This is the hardest thing to get past. It's been a year for me & I still wonder if I will ever be as exciting as she was for him. After 34 years together I don't see how I ever could be. I try to think of it like this, With every day that passes She becomes more of a distant memory & Every time we're together that's a memory I'm putting in front of her. I think this is something that will never completely go away, But it does get better with time. 

I'm not addressing weather you should stay or give up, just trying to answer your question. From my experience.. Good luck in what ever you decide to do.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

she has proven that she is not ready to be a wife (or mother for that matter).
at least postpone the wedding indefinitely.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

btw, probably every poster here (including me) has been through what you are going through.
it's hard. really hard. but these guys know what they're talking about.
listen to the advice and don't run away.


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## ecrvu (Aug 26, 2015)

Fiancé and child. She is not in contact with the other guy. I know she regrets it. I do believe it will not happen again. 

She was staying at home with our son for 15 months while I was working 12 hours a day. I know I was not available as I should have been, unattentive as wel even though that is no excuse.

The other guy has moved after I sacked him. He is not in the picture anymore. I know that.

We are both commited. Maybe first post came out a little strong in frustration from my side. Of course there has been lots of work getting where we are now. Leaving things behind and trying to focus on the future while both of us coping with the facts. 

I know it all comes down to me believing what she says. I never had much need of confirmations, but that has developed over the last months. I think my mind is playing games with me at the moment as well.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Your mind is playing games w/ you because SHE is playing games w/ your mind.

Also, what do you mean by "sacking" OM? Did you expose the affair to his wife/girlfriend/SO?


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## ecrvu (Aug 26, 2015)

He's single. It was exposed to everyone at work as hé managed to tell everyone before I had him excorted out. I was his superior.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Dude, dont even think of marrying her. Okay, you have a kid together. Adding the wedding only will add a divorce lawyer and alimony. DONT.

Have to admit, Love the firing his azz part.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Please stop blaming yourself for her cheating. It triggers a lot of people here.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Why do you think it wasn t physical? Bow did you catch them?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

ecrvu said:


> Fiancé and child. She is not in contact with the other guy. I know she regrets it. I do believe it will not happen again.


If you actually believed that you would be confident in the bedroom.

This is incongruous with being worried that if she isn't happy there, she will look elsewhere.

Sometimes your little head is smarter than your big head.


> She was staying at home with our son for 15 months while I was working 12 hours a day. I know I was not available as I should have been, unattentive as wel even though that is no excuse.
> 
> The other guy has moved after I sacked him. He is not in the picture anymore. I know that.
> 
> ...


Ahead of you lies two paths man. And they both suck. One sucks more than the other if you take the perspective of the totality of your life...

Path A is the path you're currently trying to force your feet to walk down. It's a path of trying to constantly be enough, of being worried forever, and a path full of prickles and thorns and leads to a place of... _apathy._

Yes, you might hold on to this woman. She might even be faithful, at least with her body. Although, to be honest, I doubt it. And I think you know that.

This is actually the most painful path if you think about all the sleepless nights, all the guarded moments, all the questions and churning in your stomach. All the inability to be free in the moment.

Path B is a tougher path to begin with, but again, if you look over the whole totality of your life, I would consider it to be better.

You get engaged as a "test" of your relationship. And I'm sorry man, but it failed. She failed you, you failed her, or it just didn't fit together. 

So admit that, do the hard thing, and end it. You're not married yet, but you have a kid. Kids deserve two happy parents, not one parent running around working 12 hours a day to support the other and running around every night trying to appease her, too.

You can be that parent to your child. I just doubt you can be that parent in this relationship.

There is a hidden path C. It's a very tough path. It will require much growth on both of your sides...

And it looks very much like path B, because it is. If you let go of what you think you had, start to work on yourself and distance yourself from her until she starts to honestly reconcile (you're in what's called a false reconciliation, btw, you might want to look that up)...

Maybe you can make a go of it.

But honestly man, given where she's at, I doubt it.

Let this one go. I know it's hard...

But you deserve to be happy, and your kid deserves a happy dad. 

I suggest you start by looking up the '180' here. Or, hell, read my story:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/27426-what-ive-learned-past-year-good-news-story.html

Good luck man.


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## checkmate1 (Aug 24, 2015)

WAIT!!!! so you are telling us that this guy was messing with his BOSS' GF???????? Are you for real here?


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## ecrvu (Aug 26, 2015)

Sorry. Never really talked about it with anyone. Tried à few times, but felt it was difficult. 

Not blaming myself,I just find everything easier while thinking I could have done something différent. Just à way of handling it I guess.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

ecrvu said:


> Sorry. Never really talked about it with anyone. Tried à few times, but felt it was difficult.
> 
> Not blaming myself,I just find everything easier while thinking I could have done something différent. Just à way of handling it I guess.


If you didn't blame yourself, you'd be making her actually reconcile or you'd be leaving, and you'd have no problem having sex with her however you wanted to have sex with her.

Be honest. It's the only way we can help you.

Please read my post again.


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## checkmate1 (Aug 24, 2015)

ecrvu said:


> Sorry. Never really talked about it with anyone. Tried à few times, but felt it was difficult.
> 
> Not blaming myself,I just find everything easier while thinking I could have done something différent. Just à way of handling it I guess.


Each and everytime you blame yourself or accept the blame she is feeding you- you are rugsweeping. THERE IS NO EXCUSE for cheating.

She could have come to you to discuss the problems, she could have left you instead she chose to have her cake and eat it too. REALIZE THIS FACT.

Realize that she took the easy way out when things got rough. SHe make things easier(temporarily) on herself and permanantly hard for YOU.

Now, while you may consider it 'easier' to blame yourself, its a lie- yes you are lying to yourself. Cheating is about the cheater and never about the betrayed person. Not ever.

She chose to 'fix' the relationship by adding a 3rd party....now you will have a marriage of 3. Thats crowded no matter how you look at it.

Its fine if you want to stay. Its fine if you love her but for you own sake look at this with open eyes.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

marduk said:


> If you didn't blame yourself, you'd be making her actually reconcile or you'd be leaving, and you'd have no problem having sex with her however you wanted to have sex with her.
> 
> Be honest. It's the only way we can help you.
> 
> Please read my post again.


QFT.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Gus, sacking = firing from job.


I'm with the others here ecrevu...

You are very ingrained with this woman and you have a child together, so I understand why you are very committed to making this work out. All I would offer is, be prepared to never trust her again if you stay together and you do not receive 100% remorse and openness from her.

If she closes up like a clam to you about what happened, you will never heal. 

It is always easy for us here to take a very cold, hard look at this because we are all looking back on our own experiences.... we think, if only we knew then what we know now.

My blunt reply is that you shouldn't have stayed with her. Having a child with her may have been planned or unavoidable, but staying with her was absolutely a choice I believe you should have reconsidered. Her actions showed that she was not yet ready for married life and if you cared about her you would have allowed her to experience life as she had demonstrated it to you.... as a single woman wanting to explore. There needn't have been any hard feelings... it's just life. You could have easily co-parented and you still can.

But... you seem committed to making it work out, so my strong advice is that you accept no less than 100% remorse from her. You get access all her passwords, social media accounts, etc., and you tell her to prepare to live her life under a microscope for a year at the very least. She has to EARN your trust back, if it's possible.

Likewise, you need to plan accordingly as to how long you are going to hold her responsible for being open, and set an "end-date" as to when you are going to make an ultimate decision on getting married or leaving. This is based on how she behaves from now until that end-date. Do not get married before you are ready to decide!!


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## ecrvu (Aug 26, 2015)

Thank you, guys. It's been a mess. It's still a mess in my mind. Humiliating and frustrating. Just want the stress to leave.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

I can relate somewhat to this, My wife cheated even before fiance'. I thought i was over it..we got married. Now im filled with resentment, resentment that has grown little by little as time passes. I thought the opposite would happen. I thought it would get easier. It's only gotten harder.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

ecrvu said:


> Thank you, guys. It's been a mess. It's still a mess in my mind. Humiliating and frustrating. Just want the stress to leave.


For better or worse, the stress will leave when she leaves and you find someone more deserving ...


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

ecrvu said:


> Thank you, guys. It's been a mess. It's still a mess in my mind. Humiliating and frustrating. Just want the stress to leave.


Your need to escape the pain is counterproductive to true healing. This is exactly the thing that leads to you accepting less than 100% true remorse because you can lie to yourself and say everything is "back to normal"

Don't avoid the pain. Embrace it. You are feeling it for a reason.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

ecrvu said:


> Thank you, guys. It's been a mess. It's still a mess in my mind. Humiliating and frustrating. Just want the stress to leave.


The stress will leave when you start to listen to your gut.

It's coming from, I think, cognitive dissonance. When one part of you really really wants to do something the other part of you know's isn't right. At least that's true for me.

It starts a battle raging in my head and saps my strength and ability to see reality clearly.

Listen to your gut. What's it saying?


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## checkmate1 (Aug 24, 2015)

Pls Ecrvu,

Look up the diffence between 'sorry' and 'remorse'. Its easy to confuse the two. You need REMORSE before you can begin to heal, or even consider marrying her. All 'sorry' gets you is BS so you'll leave her alone and 'get over it'.....You will never get over it, but there is a chance you can get on with it IF she is remorseful and does the work. SO far I just dont see that nor do any of the others here I think.

Find the difference here on TAM....SOrry vs. Remorse....I belief you can find that from Lord Mayhem here. THen really really look at her actions vs her words and decide which she is.

Deal?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

ecrvu said:


> I just really want some advice on how I can relax, stop worrying and start to enjoy her again. It's great, but it's in the back of my head all the time. Of course, I am trying not to talk to much about it with her for 2 reasons. First I understand she needs a distance and I cannot tell her to make me feel good by saying things to me. The other is that every time we try to talk she isn't able to say anything.


ecrvu, I haven't read the other replies yet, sorry if this is a repeat.

First, you will never get over the images in your mind and the heartache you feel about her being different with this other man. Not until she is displaying that same kind of passion, or more so, with you. Consistently. BTDT for many years now. Until you believe with all your being that you are #1 by a mile to her in every way, you will keep that sick feeling in your gut about her affair. 

There's a saying "Alpha for fvcks, Beta for bucks", meaning women lust for that macho guy to have sex with, but want a safe reliable man to marry. This is true but also bvllsh1t. The right woman will lust after you and want you as her husband.

Her actions indicate she may be selecting you to marry not because she craves you but perhaps because she is now ready for that stable reliable man.

(You can, and should, seek constant improvement to yourself. Create that Alpha while also becoming the best Man you can be in terms of a great husband and father. This will attract high quality women. But do it with authenticity not to get a hot woman.)

Whatever your current imperfections are (working too much or whatever), does not in any way justify her choice to screw some other man. Her actions show a very bad character and poor decision making skills. She has weak boundaries.

Second, you need to approach this affair as any affair in a marriage. Just because you aren't married doesn't mean it isn't a full up affair. She needs to own what she did, show true remorse, and then earn her way back into your life.

If I were you, I'd put the marriage on indefinite hold. Only if she consistently demonstrates remorse and 100% devotion to you would I consider proceeding. She is the one who has to do the hard work now to convince you it is in your best interest to stay with her. She needs hard consequences, the kind that leave her in deep emotional distress and hating herself. Don't make this easy for her! Spare the rod, spoil the child.

Frankly I would move on without her if I were you. Statistically she is a bad bet for future infidelity. If you do marry her, I would make sure there is a strong and enforceable pre-nup. Protect all your assets including all your own retirement savings and pensions. Protect your right to full custody of any children in the future. If she does cheat in the future, she should get nothing out of a divorce.


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## ecrvu (Aug 26, 2015)

I am commited and I believe she is commited. I still need that she comes to me on her own initiative and tells me that she understands my frustration. I do need to feel that we are lovers without thinking or feeling less. 

I probably need to sit down with her, but I do not like talking about it either. 

I understand many of you have had différent expériences. That is why I am hère. Maybe I do not get the answers "I want", but it helps me to be more constructive on my own behalf. 

I just hope she understands the damage it has done to me and us.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

ecrvu said:


> I am commited and I believe she is commited. I still need that she comes to me on her own initiative and tells me that she understands my frustration. I do need to feel that we are lovers without thinking or feeling less.
> 
> I probably need to sit down with her, but I do not like talking about it either.
> 
> ...


What is it that you're not telling us that's keeping you with this woman?

Fear?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ecrvu (Aug 26, 2015)

Need to feel like her Alpha again. And, I guess that is the real problem. When I am her Alpha again I guess I will feel it.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

ecrvu said:


> Need to feel like her Alpha again. And, I guess that is the real problem. When I am her Alpha again I guess I will feel it.


You're chasing her. Seeking her acceptance.

And that will never be Alpha.

Let her go.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" are 2 books you might benefit from. Also "After the Affair" by Janis Spring would be good for both of you to read.

A good marriage therapist who is experienced in infidelity, and who does not blame the betrayed, might be very helpful to you. Most MCs seem to skip over the reconciliation and move right to figuring out the faults of the betrayed, but that is harmful not helpful. First the infidelity has to be processed, with the cheater taking full responsibility for the affair. Consequences have to be imposed such as full transparency (all passwords, etc), and true deep remorse has to be proven. Then you can move towards building a new relationship. The old one is dead and gone, but there is a possibility of a new relationship. So you start learning about each others' Love Languages (another great book). You learn to be able to have safe communications. The cheater doesn't get to complain about your faults yet! 

Meanwhile you can be looking at yourself and trying to make improvements _if those improvements are what *you* want_. What kind of person do you want to be?

A good MC who follows this path can be a big help in getting the infidelity processed and a true R commenced. Then with some luck you might come out the other side ok. But it all depends on your fiance, whether she will do the hard work and whether she truly changes so that this never is even a possibility in her mind to happen again.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Satya said:


> Gus, sacking = firing from job.


Figured that was what he meant but wanted to be sure. After all, slang is different everywhere.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Tell you what, @ecrvu... buy two copies of this book...

http://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

One for you, the other for your fiancée. Read it _together_.

It's a good book. Hopefully it will open her eyes. If so, the two of you may be able to take the "Path C" that @marduk mentioned earlier.

If not, though, I'd recommend you take "Path B".


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## ecrvu (Aug 26, 2015)

I might upset someone, but back to my first post. I love her. She makes me smile. She makes me feel good. She is a great mother. She is caring. She is smart. She is sexy. I feel great when I am with her. I look forward to se her when she comes back from work. (She has started to work again). 

I have told her before that it is forgiven, but it needs work. 

My problem is in bed. Like someone said. I need to feel like the Alpha again. She tells me I am great. Just don't feel it as thoughts are going to memories of what she told me about the affair. How can I feel what she is saying? Did others expérience the same? I just want to reach the point where I can relax and feel I am enough. 

Is it something I can do myself or do I need her?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ecrvu said:


> I might upset someone, but back to my first post. I love her. She makes me smile. She makes me feel good. She is a great mother. She is caring. She is smart. She is sexy. I feel great when I am with her. I look forward to se her when she comes back from work. (She has started to work again).
> 
> I have told her before that it is forgiven, but it needs work.
> 
> ...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

ecrvu said:


> I might upset someone, but back to my first post. I love her. She makes me smile. She makes me feel good. She is a great mother. She is caring. She is smart. She is sexy. I feel great when I am with her. I look forward to se her when she comes back from work. (She has started to work again).
> 
> I have told her before that it is forgiven, but it needs work.
> 
> ...


The only thing you can do for yourself is what you refuse to do for yourself.

There is only one way to do this, man.

And it isn't the way you want. So you keep asking the same question expecting the same answer. Go read my thread. 

Letting go of her is a crucial step in this process. If she runs to you... maybe.

But not before then.

Let her go.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If she cheated before marriage then why chance it and continue. All your doing is asking for trouble in my opinion.

I'm sure she has a mouth and the ability to speak. If there was a problem, then she should have spoken up and said what needed to be said eyeball to eyeball and then you could have found a solution but she chose to disrespect you by cheating on you and with someone you know and work with so you tell me how you can be happy about spending the rest of your life with someone like that. This is a disaster waiting to happen.

You want it to work but her actions say something totally different and you better understand that it takes two to make it work and from what I see it's only you. You have a chance for a fresh start and if I were you I would take it and cut her loose.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

ecrvu said:


> I just want to reach the point where I can relax and feel I am enough. Is it something I can do myself or do I need her?


No one can change how you feel about yourself. You have to do it. It takes time.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

ecrvu said:


> I might upset someone, but back to my first post. I love her. She makes me smile. She makes me feel good. She is a great mother. She is caring. She is smart. She is sexy. I feel great when I am with her. I look forward to se her when she comes back from work. (She has started to work again).
> 
> I have told her before that it is forgiven, but it needs work.
> 
> ...


She's also a cheater!

That feeling may leave for a while, Might be a week or it might be 5 years. But it will return. 

You are doing just as I did, I should have ran when i had the chance.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Just need to clarify - did she have sex with him ? How many times ? Where ? Did things she didn't do with you ? For how long ? Did she say I love you to him ?

(A poster earlier seemed to think that you said it hadn't gone physical which is why I ask).


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

When giving this guy advice, we need to keep in mind that the betrayal only happened four months ago. It took me longer than that before I could really process everything. OP is going to make a lot of mistakes and be much too weak, but he may end up surprising everyone, especially himself, six months later when he begins to feel angry and the resentment level rises. The key is that he is not married before that happens. 

OP, I too, found out that my girlfriend at the time had cheated on me. She had cheated very early in our relationship, so I got over it. Three years have passed since then and we are married and get along fine with many shared interests. She is warm, never turns me down for sex, and continues to be very transparent. However, one thing that still eats at me is the knowledge that she was seemingly more passionate with the other man. Like your fiance, my wife is also not very communicative on these difficult issues. Therefore, even though she has been trustworthy for the past three years, that discrepancy in passion is still on my mind. Find out if you can deal with that knowledge before getting married.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP'
The question here is not whether you want to be with her, we see clearly that you do. The question is does she want to stay with you. Her words say yes but what else do you have to go on? When someone is disloyal, it falls on them to do anything and everything to attempt to make the wrong right. Is she doing this? Television is very popular in today's culture so allow me to use it as an example you will understand. Think of investigative shows like NCSI or whatever is popular now and consider what it is that they seek. Evidence. No case can be made without evidence and although testimony is important it is never as damning as physical evidence. Your fiance has given you mountains of evidence supporting her lack of understanding, character and ability to keep her word in the way of her A. What evidence has she presented to the contrary? She apparently has not made her case with you and that is troubling. Until she feels strongly enough to "make her case" then you are on a path of futility.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

ecrvu,

What you are asking of the posters here is advice on how you can rugsweep her A and move on.

Most posters here think this is a disastrous mistake....they will offer you no 'magic pills' of advice that will let you just quickly accept this and move on.

You will either follow their advice and have a chance of truly fixing your relationship....or you will continue to rugsweep and pretend everything is fine, until someday in the future it isn't again.

The choice is yours.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Ecrvu,

I understand you just want to get over this but...

The thing is that cheating is not like other mistakes that we make in life, you will likely get over your WW smashing your car, or spending $500 on a pair of shoes, and ultimately forget and forgive those offenses. But not infidelity it is almost never forgotten and usually only partially forgiven. I think many BS think initially it's just like any other marital conflict, I sure did and now 20+ years later my rug sweeping has come back to haunt me.

Another point is that your WW was almost certainly physical with the OM, it's called minimizing and if your WW says it was only holding hand they kissed, if it was only kissing it was penetrative sex, etc. Your WW has to come clean and stop lying to you or you will never trust her again.

Tamat


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Your post is unclear if hey had sex or not. Why do you think they only met up twice?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So your old lady met the other man a couple of time ( double that, they always make it half of what it really was) and it was hot. well then my friend you are just going to have to be hotter.

I mean you go into the bed room and show her who is the boss. You just got to take her and give her the good stuff. You are in a competition here so it's time do get your game on.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If you want to relieve some stress you take your old lady into the bedroom and pound her good....I'm not talking just satisfying her ...you gotta go way beyond that and wear her out like your relationship depended on it. I'm guessing your old lady want to be treated one way when she is out of the bedroom and completely different when she is in the bedroom.

But that's just me.

I know when my old lady was screwing around I sure as hell wasn't going to be out done by a bunch of losers The way I saw it is I could phuck better then some POS who just wanted a quick piece of @ss. 

BTW, one of the guy my old lady screwed was also one of my employees...and yes I canned his @ss!


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

ecrvu said:


> I might upset someone, but back to my first post. I love her. She makes me smile. She makes me feel good. She is a great mother. She is caring. She is smart. She is sexy.


She is also a cheater that WILL cheat again as long as you have this passive, enabling attitude. You are setting yourself up for failure by rug sweeping.



> I just want to reach the point where I can relax and feel I am enough.
> 
> Is it something I can do myself or do I need her?


Find another woman, that would be much easier.

So are so deep in denial and you don't seem to appreciate the severity of the situation. 

I think to "fix" your problem is to truly understand that this is not your fault, she would have done this regardless of how you are. This is who she is, not the idealist person you how in your head. You have her on a pedestal and she does NOT deserve to be on there. This screams low self esteem.

I feel bad for you because this isn't going to end well long term. We've seen it happen hundreds of times on here. You are not the first BS to show up completely delusion about the WS (or SO). We don't tell you this because we are bitter and jaded, its because many of us were in your shoes and thought we too were going to be the exception to the rule. You may have to learn the hard way (like I did).

The only thing that's going to help you get over your hangups is getting your confidence back. You'll get that when you realise you deserve better than this.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

If you insist on staying together make sure to go to counseling with her, buy and read some of the athol kay books, and get a really good pre-nup. It's a bad decision, but it is yours to make. Good luck--you are going to need it.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

No you are blaming yourself. I have yet to read a word about het remorse, just a sorry about that, but your fault. NO, there are hundreds of reasons to end a relationship / marriage but none to cheat. Oh, so she thought something was missing in the bedroom ? Her fault for not teaching you ! She needs to grow up and own her body and actions. If you want suggestions PM me.

You want to know what true remorse looks like ? Try accidentally spilling a grill with hot coals over onto your child. Image the pain that you did this cause you. Not a hint of this in GF, eh ? We understand the overwhelm need to repair and preserve at all cost. Read the threads of other people on this site. See chuck71 or Acoa. 

You both need to better understand the mech on how this happened, not just I did not pay her enough attention 
Talk About Marriage - View Profile: ecrvu


Print it out and chart out the timeline. then read about the "fog". There is a lot written about the WS (wayward spouse) not some much on the BS (betrayed spouse) but you are in a fog of pain, grief, self-doubt and what if


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Sorry wrong thread

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/41508-emotional-affairs-sob-story.html

Read F-102 response should be standard reading.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

checkmate1 said:


> WAIT!!!! so you are telling us that this guy was messing with his BOSS' GF???????? Are you for real here?


I know some idiot who did this. He got his rear kicked off and his career in the advertising industry was dead in the water.


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## checkmate1 (Aug 24, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> I know some idiot who did this. He got his rear kicked off and his career in the advertising industry was dead in the water.


Dumbassery abounds doesn't it? wow.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

ecrvu said:


> I need to feel like the Alpha again.
> 
> She tells me I am great. Just don't feel it as thoughts are going to memories of what she told me about the affair.
> 
> ...


These thoughts and emotions you having are not surprising for any BS attempting to R. But they are almost guaranteed to be long term when the BS rug sweeps the A. Which is exactly what you did. 

Your fiance needs to show you snot bubble blowing, desperation to demonstrate her remorse. She needs to be willing to do anything to help you heal. And...you should accept nothing less than that. What she is giving you now is not even close. It's adding insult to injury. Thus, your thoughts and feelings of inadequacy. 

Should you not give her consequences and hold her accountable for demonstrating remorse; I predict two things.

- She will cheat again.

- You will be in a false R until she does.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Steve1000,

You wrote, *However, one thing that still eats at me is the knowledge that she was seemingly more passionate with the other man. Like your fiance, my wife is also not very communicative on these difficult issues. *

I think you summarized why I never got over what happened with my W and OM-1 before we got married. My W was willing to give OM-1 the world whatever he wanted.

Did your W ever give you a full and detailed confession without making you feel bad for asking?

Tamat


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Look, maybe this will help.

Inspite of all the good going on with you two, in your GUT you KNOW she is not feeling it in the bedroom.

Yeah she's putting on a good fake job, but your gut know better.

Will say this. The seven year itch gonna hit her hard if you two make it that far.

Oh, I especially don't like the "she needs the distance" of not talking about it.


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## checkmate1 (Aug 24, 2015)

OldWolf57 said:


> Look, maybe this will help.
> 
> Inspite of all the good going on with you two, in your GUT you KNOW she is not feeling it in the bedroom.
> 
> ...


BUT WHAT DO YOU NEED???? If she was truly remorseful THAT is what would matter to her NOT what she needs. She is sorry, not remorseful. Sorry she got caught. That's it. You are in trouble for a very long time if you don't force this issue right NOW. If she wont work with you then she needs to go. I know that isn't the answer you want, but Im telling you - you are in a false R. Be warned.


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

Not only did she cheat on you, but she did it with your colleague, its rubbed in your face everyday, what a first class sank!


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

Skank


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

ecrvu said:


> Hi.
> 
> I have been looking for a forum like this as I am trying to get over that my fiancé had an affair. .


No need to read further.

You do not get over.

You leave.

Plain and simple.

I have to ask why waste any more time, effort, thoughts, or energy?


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

First thing you need to do is call off this wedding. If you shouldn't have believed her in the past, don't know if you believer her now, your a fool to believe her at the altar.

You can right now avoid making the biggest mistake of your life, and a fool out of yourself. This is out at work, you are in a position of authority, yes, I'd be cutting you down as a pushover at work too, and who knows, other men might want after your wife because they know they can.

In every area of your life, home, work, calling off this wedding is the best decision you can make.

From that point, you need to see how she reacts. That will tell you everything you want to know about her.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

OP, you and her have been together for a long time, so your sex is married sex.
Sex with him was new, exciting, and a trying of all the forbidden..

Seeing as you was her only partner for a long time, she as most normals do, wondered.
With you she would be worried about being judged or labeled.
With him it didn't matter, she was being a bad girl, and bad girls do bad things.

Well you can't do new with her, you are a known, but maybe you can get he to let go.
To some it may be seen as rewarding her, and it is in a way, but you seem determine to keep her so good luck.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Just read through this quagmire of a thread...





You have got to be fvcking kidding us....


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Pre-nup.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Pre-nup.


How about..NO-nup?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Rookie4 said:


> How about..NO-nup?


He is adamant about staying so, I gave him advice based on his insistence at running towards the oncoming train wreck.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Doormat syndrome.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

quagmire - perfect choice Bandit.45.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

let her go my friend.
Do not do stupid mistake (marrie her).

She will cheat on you all the time adn do you want that ? Do you want mother of your children to go out and have a GOOD sex with someone else ???



Just let her go my friend and find someone who will respect you and love you,just like you would her.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

ecrvu said:


> Maybe I was not clear enough. I want this to work. We have a much better relationship when it comes to outside the bedroom. We have been together 4 years and we have a child together.
> 
> *I am looking for some advice on how to overcome this last obstacle*. I do not want to end our relationship.
> 
> ...


Get yourself hypnotised into forgetting she had an affair and she told you how much she enjoyed it and how much the other guy turned her on and you didn't.

Other than that there's not much else to worry about.

You can hypnotise yourself or you can seek help from a professional. If you hypnotise yourself be sure to do it in a quiet room away from any radios or television. You don't want a program about fish coming on and waking up thinking you're a fish.

Good luck!


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

#1: As gouge_away said, call off the wedding. Marriage is worst thing you could do right now.

#2: Stop thinking about what you can do to make her see you as "alpha". By doing that you've given all the power to her, Tarzan. It's all about what she is going to do. Your instincts are right. She has to take the steps, she has to do it without your asking, she has to prove herself trustworthy again.

#3: Stop saying that you think she is committed to the relationship. That's you *wanting* to believe that it is so. Let her prove it.


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