# What are we supposed to learn from all of this?



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

What lessons are we supposed to take away with us? What is the point of all this heart ache and pain? There's got to be some purpose to it right? Why would we have to suffer for no reason at all?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

gee why don't you tackle something a bit more complicated instead?


lol

I think some of us look at things that happen to us in life and feel there has to be a point behind it all, it's why religion exists

but to me, things just happen

you have no control over much of it

and it's all relative too-
you could be a poor Sri Lankan man living in poverty or a rich Arab oil baron, both have happy times and both have stressful, sad times


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The lesson to learn is that life goes on.
That we should see our part in what we did wrong and not repeat the same in the future, that we have a better understanding of ourselves/relationships. Should teach us what we do not want anymore and what we do want.
That time waits for no one.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

For me, things just happen.
There is no control over others, only over ourselves.
After my WW's fling I decided that bitterness, anger and resentment - although they have a useful place in human emotions - were not welcome companions as I moved forward.
The infidelity has opened my eyes to myself, who I was and who I want to be and I have made changes. I HAD to make changes to better myself and be a better me.
I can keep improving myself and will continue to do so, even if I decide to divorce later. I am happier now than I've ever been - even after considering what a rollercoaster I've been on. My suffering is relative. What I have become towers highly over what I went through, yet I went through it with the support of giants who helped and advised and conditioned me through the process. People like yourself Apple. People like JB, Mori, LordMayhem, 8years, FMW, Ing, Sammy3 and a host of others whose names escape me at this time, yet whose imput has been highly valuable in moulding me to be the new me.
The point, for me, is to move forward regardless. That world turns and changes day after day after day and I have decided that I will turn and change with it. I have no idea what my future holds, but my suffering stands by the wayside with bitterness, anger and resentment. I may meet them again sometime. But not today. Today is about me , my family and my choices.

You're truly loved by everyone on this forum, Apple. Take care. Tomorrow could be a better day.

Best wishes

N-B


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

everything has purpose mama. your on the right track with your question... but your format and who your asking is still off a bit.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> everything has purpose mama. your on the right track with your question... but your format and who your asking is still off a bit.


Man have I wrestled with this.... I generally believe this, but what o' what was the purpose in my AP sending me that damn friend request and the chain of events thereafter???


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Man have I wrestled with this.... I generally believe this, but what o' what was the purpose in my AP sending me that damn friend request and the chain of events thereafter???


in religious context when you can't clearly see the "whys" you get the old, "God works in mysterious ways" line


the truth is that much of what happens makes no sense, why should an innocent child suffer starvation or sexual abuse? Why do rich bastards who treat people like dirt get all the things they want?

stuff happens, you deal with it and hopefully learn a bit and live as best you can to your ability


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## Guy66 (Nov 29, 2011)

As a Christian, I think that God allows these things for a reason and I just have to be patient to learn what that reason is. Maybe this is to make me a better, stronger person. Maybe this is to make me see that I don't rely on God as much as I claim, and to realize how I still keep trying to fix things my way.

I also think that God didn't build us to be robots, and He allows us to make our own decisions and choices. Maybe this is just my wife making bad choices in being selfish, cold, and uncaring in how acting on her love for another man effects me.

I dunno, but I think about the same things.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sigma, I wonder about my A and what purpose it served, too. I think it was a major life lesson for me: to never do something like that again & also, it really brought the state of my marriage full circle, or rather, it woke me up to just how fcked up things were.

I do think that everything happens for a reason.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

sigma1299 said:


> Man have I wrestled with this.... I generally believe this, but what o' what was the purpose in my AP sending me that damn friend request and the chain of events thereafter???


your thinking is all wrong my friend. 

I believe meaning and purpose are yours. you have ownership over them. you decide what something means _to you_, and what purpose it serves is up to you to determine. If you want something to mean nothing, or believe there was no purpose... it's because you decided that.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I think that I learned that I was a fool to trust so much.
I think I learned that we can't control others.
I think I learned that what we think someone else thinks isn't true.
I think I learned I am a strong woman.
I think I learned I am a forgiving woman.
I agree I have learned that everything goes on and we eventually heal ourselves from the pain we feel......but it changes us a well..
I have learned that life will never be as peaceful as it once was.
I learned to see the world differently and my marriage differently
I learned to be accountable for my actions 
I learned I will protect myself better.....
I learned you can only make yourself happy, learning to be the best you, you can be..........learning every day......enjoying who I am and what I stand for.....
I have learned to be a better mother and be there for my children no matter what .........
I've learned to see the blessings and positives in the power of knowledge and change.......in the midst of a hurtful situation...
I've learned there are answers if we look for them and are willing...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

There are days when I think about the fact that I am one of 7 billion organisms living on one of trillions upon trillions of planets in one of an infinite number of universes and I ask myself - does anything I experience REALLY mean anything? How could it possibly, with so many things happening to the beings that exist?

And there are other days when I KNOW that the things I experience DO mean something, because I hear one of my kids say so, or my husband, or I realize something I never would have if I hadn't had the experiences I have.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Sigma, I wonder about my A and what purpose it served, too. I think it was a major life lesson for me: to never do something like that again


This is pretty much where I've ended up to. I have also learned a great - as in huge - amount about myself. So there was purpose in that for sure. 

Ultimately I'm also one of the lucky ones in that it is bringing my wife and I closer instead of driving us apart, if there was a purpose in it all I think and hope that was it; but damn it was a painful way to get there...

I'll take a memo instead next time.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> I'll take a memo instead next time.


Good idea


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## OOE (Mar 17, 2011)

In my circumstances, I came out of the other side a better man, a better Christian, and hopefully when the day comes, a better husband. 

For me, the BIG forced change made it much easier to make a bunch of medium-sized and a TON of small changes in my life. I was able to write out on paper what was important _to me_, and then take all of the steps necessary to move in that direction. That was impossible for me when I was living with a narcissist.

I know your circumstances are different, but perhaps the end result will be the same.



> Maybe this will help, too. I'm paraphrasing:
> 
> Jesus and his disciples came upon a blind beggar. His disciples asked Jesus why he was blind. Was it something he'd done? Was it something his parents had done?
> 
> ...


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> your thinking is all wrong my friend.
> 
> I believe meaning and purpose are yours. you have ownership over them. you decide what something means _to you_, and what purpose it serves is up to you to determine. If you want something to mean nothing, or believe there was no purpose... it's because you decided that.


I get this and I agree with you. When something happens in my life I'm always trying to figure out - ok what am I supposed to learn from this or for what reason have I landed in this spot. I guess with something like an affair - where there is so much pain and carnage - it's just a little harder to find and give that meaning, but at the same time I can't assign it no meaning - after all I did it. To Apple's post - I think it would be harder to assign meaning to it if were the victim. But then there's JellyBeans who says it ultimately revealed the state of her relationship.

Who knows - my head hurts now.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Are you trying to melt peoples brains Apple

Seriously though. It;s a good question, 
I have learnt lots of things, mostly about myself. 
I think the biggest one is that I should never ever take responsibility for someone happiness again.

I accepted a relationship where I was the one that always had to say "sorry" at the end of a fight regardless of me being right or wrong

I now see things as they are and not how I want them to be. This is not always palatable, but a damn sight easier to live with. 
I am okay as a person. I'm by no means perfect but I am not a doormat.
I allowed my sense of self to be shaped by another. it is hard to come to terms with but I allowed this woman to stomp on my emotions for years. 
I think that perhaps my reaction to the original EA was extreme, it was just the last straw in a soul crushing list of demands. If people remember my threads she was asking for permission to have the affair and was and is still amazed I said no. 
I have an emergency shutdown button. I have told women of my reaction to this affair. " kicked her out" and I become more attractive. Men say. " Remind me not to get on your bad side..
Its nice to know someone with clear boundaries.

There is still such a long way to go inn this journey of life [ I hope] and many more stories to tell. 

This is just one more story


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I have spent time thinking about this, and I have wondered why, even after all the heartache and pain I have been put through, why would I ever seek to have love again? After all, there is no guarantee that I would never be hurt again, there are no promises that I would live happily ever after, so why seek out something that has the potential to take away another piece of my already ripped apart heart. And if this is something I want again, what is the lesson learned from all of this? I have learned caution. I do extend trust to people until they give me a reason not to trust them but now I trust with caution. I have learned to pay attention to the red flags. Those red flags are a warning, and I have learned that those should never go without a second look. I've learned that I did not die like I thought I would, I did smile again, my tears did eventually stop flowing and I learned life goes on, with you or without you.

And this next part is a quote I read somewhere that really stands out at me: "I learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back, but it's not the end of the world."-unknown


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## life.is.pain (Aug 28, 2012)

We have to learn that no matter what obstacles are put in our paths we can get over them by being strong. To not let nobody knock us down and if they knock us down, just get back up and keep going. 

I believe things in life all happen for a reason, and eventually the reason is revealed at some point in time. 

If something is gonna happen its gonna happen no matter what, we can't stop it. We can just decide to deal with it or not.

As for me i have learned that no matter whether you think you know your spouse well enough, obviously we don't because they can betray us without feeling guilt and lie straight to our faces. 

I have learned that i will not put up with bullsh*t from no woman no matter how much i love her. If she doesn't consider me then why should i consider her.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

A major crisis is an efficient way to find out what sort of stuff your made of. A way to find out what your true values are. To find out what you will really do, how strong you really are when a real test comes, not some hypothetical what if.

In the grand (cosmic) sense, I don't believe in meaning, in free will even. But we don't live on a cosmic scale, we live on a personal scale, and the meaning is put on events by us, that's all. Things mean what we think they mean. Hard circumstances allow us a great opportunity to refine and distill meaning in our lives, and we can carry that meaning forward to shape our future decisions. We don't have enough knowledge to act without the illusion of free will, so we can also carry that meaning with us and let it help influence our 'choices' so that they are hopefully 'better' choices on a personal scale.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> What lessons are we supposed to take away with us? What is the point of all this heart ache and pain? There's got to be some purpose to it right? Why would we have to suffer for no reason at all?


This is a good question that I have thought about for a long time…since D day #1.

I keep asking myself “What good could possibly come from this pain and betrayal?” I can’t seem to find the answer. I am a Christian…born and raised. I am supposed to believe that God, in his infinite wisdom, has a plan and I couldn’t possibly understand it at this time. I am supposed to trust and believe that he will reveal it in his time. So as a good Christian does, I try to be patient and wait, hoping that it will be worth all of the suffering I have been through. In the mean time, I try to search for the possible good. 

I thought I was in a happy marriage. My children were happy. We were financially sound and our future looked bright. Now that I have been on the receiving end of the worst betrayal imaginable, everything that I held dear and valued in life will be changed forever.

I am getting divorced…I am bitter. I will probably never trust a woman again. This is the second marriage for me that ended because of cheating wives. I am sure I will have deep issues as a result of this and it will take many years to resolve…if ever. I am already in my late 40’s so my market value as a single man is probably not so good anymore. I could possibly be alone for the rest of my life. 

My children could very well be damaged in some way for life and even subsequent generations could be effected if my children follow STBXW’s example of honesty and integrity…like she did from her father. 

I will be financially compromised by the divorce itself and spousal support for many years to come. I will be living a thin existence for a long time and will have to give up a lot of the things I enjoy.

Sure I have learned a lot about myself and trusting others but so what? I thought I already learned that after my first divorce. Is the small amount of knowledge I gained from this really worth all of this hell? STBXW hid her real self from me so well for 15 years…either that or she just changed. I’m not even sure what happened to her. The only thing I really learned is “you never really know someone” How is that going to help me in the future? Do I not trust anyone?

I honestly thought I learned so much from my first marriage, betrayal and divorce. That was 22 years ago. I did not start dating immediately. I took several years in order to resolve emotional issues within me as a result. When I did start, I was cautious about who I dated and was always on the look out for red flags. I took my time getting to know who I was dating and dumped quite a few women because I noticed possible issues that could lead to disaster in the future. Then I met my STBXW. I thought she was “authentic” but I was still cautious. We dated for years before we were married. What else could I have done differently? I just don’t know.

So the question still stands: What good or purpose could possibly come from this?


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

What I have come to realize after almost a year of pain and humiliation is that people change - sometimes for the best and most times for the worst. Asking yourself what are we suposed to learn from this is the same as asking yourself why and that my friend is a question that most of the timjes has no answer or the answer comes after too much soul searching. 

After a year of pain, suffering, humiliation, rediscovering myself, becoming a better me and understanding how I can overcome anything, I have come to realize that we have a bigger purpose in life than just allowing people to walk all over us just because we love them. Do not get me wrong, I still believe in love after the pain that my STBWH has caused me and my 2 year old, but at the end it is all about them and their decisions. One day will come when you will look back and, although you will not be able to forget, you will be able to see how you are a better person and if they did not value that then my friend it is time to let go. 

Funny thing about letting go is that just when you do it most of the time they want back in, so be ready for that as well. I wish you the best and sometimes you just have to stop reading and thinking about this so you can move on. I know that worked for me!


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

As so many others, I learned to be very careful who I trust my heart and emotions to. But the biggest lesson, which which I already really knew, is that the only thing that can't be taken from us is our spirituality, our relationship with God. I have complete control over that and had I been working on that and been a stronger spiritual person, I could have weathered this so much better.


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