# What is the term for someone shutting down constantly



## dvsninja2 (May 2, 2019)

Tough question, but wondering if it is related to some mental issue like anxiety, depression, or other. My wife has these moments where she shuts down emotionally or just starts to feel like she cant take it anymore and will cancel last minute on something we or she has planned. She tells me it is because she cant fake it anymore or it is related to anxiety, but I am wondering if it is something more than just anxiety. Some examples of what happens are she starts to have a bad day due to the kids, me, or someone else and will just sit on the couch with her phone and no one else exists. She could care less about preparing dinner, taking care of the house, or the kids needs. Other times it will be as simple as going to church in the morning and being ready to go out the door and she is upstairs and tells me she cant go. Her friends (not many left because of this situation) will have a date night with her or an event like a birthday and we will plan on going and I always support her 110%, but when it comes to the day of she will cancel. She walks away from conversations with me when they get hard (might not be related). This has been going on even before I met her, when she was a teacher she would get overwhelmed and pretend to be sick and ultimately lost her job or let go. She has shutdown my family completely and gets so overwhelmed just by the thought of seeing or talking to them that we canceled event after event. It is not just my family but also hers sometimes and will not want to go, but waits until the last minute. 

Those are the examples and it happens often causing me to either leave her behind and go to the event or cook the dinner (I cook almost every night now anyways) or to stay with her and attempt to comfort her. When we do talk she talks as if it is not related to the event for her canceling it is just that she is in such a terrible place that she doesn't want to do anything. This is causing me hurt every time as I love my wife and always encourage and support her. She does have depression and anxiety (both being untreated) and we are doing marriage counseling (2 years now). 

I don't believe that our marriage is the cause of this due to the past history of this happening before me, but she uses it as a reason sometimes for why she cant do anything. Just yesterday I was getting the kids ready for church while she was upstairs getting ready and it was time to leave so I went up and she was just staring in the mirror and said that I should just take the boys without her. The day before was a good day so I was taken back like usual. I didn't go and stayed with her and the reason was that the boys always come to me for support and love and not her. I tried to hint that the reason was because she always shuts them out and sits on the couch and doesn't engage them the way I do. Now I feel bad for spending that time with my kids because it will separate them from her even more. I see them coming to me all the time to learn something, to play, for comfort when they are hurt or sick. 

The more I type this the more I do start to see that combo of depression and anxiety. Our counselor has asked her if she wants to try meds a few times, but she always declines and I say nothing. 

Maybe I am just ranting, but looking for advice from anyone with experience with this.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I don't think there is a specific term that you are looking for but your wife's behavior is very common in people living with depression and anxiety. Please do not think of it as "just depression" or "just anxiety". Every mental illness is on a spectrum so you shouldn't look at either of those as mild. She may have an additional illness, or a different illness altogether that better explains her symptoms, but that doesn't change the problem. All it changes is the label. Based on what you have written, your wife has been ill for a very long time. This will not get better until your wife is in treatment, and it is something that she will be living with for the rest of her life. You said:



> Our [marriage] counselor has asked her if she wants to try meds a few times, but she always declines and I say nothing.


Instead of saying nothing, which may make it seem that YOU don't care, have you told your wife that you are concerned about her mental health? You cannot force your wife to get treatment (in most circumstances) but you can nudge her and gently encourage her. Sometimes, when a person is mentally ill, they need guidance and a push in the right direction. 

I see that you have done marriage counseling for the last two years, but has your wife done any individual counseling? The marriage counseling may not be doing much good when she isn't healthy herself. Do you know why your wife doesn't want to take medications? If not, when things are calm and the kids are in bed or out of the house, bring up that topic in a calm, loving tone. During the conversation be open-minded, acknowledge her feelings, listen to her concerns, be supportive, focus on concern for her health (and if that fails, switch to saying this is something that YOU need for your own wellbeing), and empathize with her even if her ideas are illogical (do NOT agree or disagree with them, but hear them). Judgment, accusations, criticism, confrontation, threatening tones, trying to win the discussion, and arguing have no place in this discussion. Ultimatums are a last resort, and if you say it you need to be prepared to immediately follow through with it. 



> ...the boys always come to me for support and love and not her. I tried to hint that the reason was because she always shuts them out and sits on the couch and doesn't engage them the way I do. Now I feel bad for spending that time with my kids because it will separate them from her even more. I see them coming to me all the time to learn something, to play, for comfort when they are hurt or sick.


Please, do NOT feel bad about spending time with your children! Your children need two parents and if they do not have that for one reason or another then you take the role of both parents. Is it ideal? No, but it's the situation you are working with at the present moment. Your children need to have you as a good role model and they need time with you. One parent being emotionally unavailable and giving them the cold shoulder is hard enough, both parents doing it would be far more damaging. Something that you may need to consider is whether this is the best environment for your children to be growing up in if your wife continues to refuse treatment. 

How old are your kids? Depending on their ages, group therapy can be very beneficial for kids. It helps them see and understand that they are not the only ones going through this, which is very important for kids to know. Children's books are also a great resource for kids. I have many for my kids so if you want some recommendations, just ask. 



> ...it happens often causing me to either leave her behind and go to the event or cook the dinner (I cook almost every night now anyways) or to stay with her and attempt to comfort her.


So, "leaving her behind" is something that you actually need to do sometimes. You need to be taking care of yourself as well, not just looking out for your wife. Do not give up things that bring you joy. Do not stop going out with friends, with the kids, etc. It is very important that you keep doing those things. Not only is it good for you, but it can also help lead by example. I would also suggest joining a support group so that you can talk to other people who are in similar situations. 

You mentioned that your wife withdraws from friends and family, as well as date nights. When you are dealing with depression, and sometimes anxiety, it is very common for people to push away their loved ones. Here are some of the reasons loved ones are pushed away: https://www.blurtitout.org/2018/02/08/depression-why-we-push-people-away/ 



> She could care less about preparing dinner, taking care of the house, or the kids needs.


Chances are your wife actually DOES care, she just doesn't have any energy or desire to be able to do those things. This may have been going on so long that she feels like she doesn't care, but deep down she probably does care. 

One of the hardest parts of having a spouse with a mental illness is watching them deteriorate. You can encourage your wife but you cannot fix or change her. It is her responsibility and hers alone to own and address. No matter how much you love her, care about her and want her to get help, it remains her responsibility. You can control you and how you react, and you can decide whether or not you stay in this marriage, but beyond that, it's out of your hands and I know it is incredibly frustrating.

This may sound familiar to you: https://blogs.psychcentral.com/family/2009/06/when-a-depressed-spouse-refuses-help/


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

There is nothing much you can do if she refuses to help herself. Honestly, she sounds entitled and selfish more than anything. Even depressed or anxious people have bouts where they don't want to do something but they suck it up and do it because they know it's right. Like seeing your family, like preparing dinner, like showing up for work. Bailing on friends is one thing. Bailing on family is another.

You are going to have to get a backbone and tell her that it's unacceptable.


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## dvsninja2 (May 2, 2019)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> There is nothing much you can do if she refuses to help herself. Honestly, she sounds entitled and selfish more than anything. Even depressed or anxious people have bouts where they don't want to do something but they suck it up and do it because they know it's right. Like seeing your family, like preparing dinner, like showing up for work. Bailing on friends is one thing. Bailing on family is another.
> 
> You are going to have to get a backbone and tell her that it's unacceptable.


I get what you are saying about the backbone part. The issues with my family is a whole different story. Its like the littlest thing will upset her and there is no second chance with people, like she sees the worse intentions behind every action. Its hard to say anything because I know what she will say, I am blaming her and its all her fault.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

dvsninja2 said:


> Tough question, but wondering if it is related to some mental issue like anxiety, depression, or other. My wife has these moments where she shuts down emotionally or just starts to feel like she cant take it anymore and will cancel last minute on something we or she has planned. She tells me it is because she cant fake it anymore or it is related to anxiety, but I am wondering if it is something more than just anxiety. Some examples of what happens are she starts to have a bad day due to the kids, me, or someone else and will just sit on the couch with her phone and no one else exists. She could care less about preparing dinner, taking care of the house, or the kids needs. Other times it will be as simple as going to church in the morning and being ready to go out the door and she is upstairs and tells me she cant go. Her friends (not many left because of this situation) will have a date night with her or an event like a birthday and we will plan on going and I always support her 110%, but when it comes to the day of she will cancel. She walks away from conversations with me when they get hard (might not be related). This has been going on even before I met her, when she was a teacher she would get overwhelmed and pretend to be sick and ultimately lost her job or let go. She has shutdown my family completely and gets so overwhelmed just by the thought of seeing or talking to them that we canceled event after event. It is not just my family but also hers sometimes and will not want to go, but waits until the last minute.
> 
> Those are the examples and it happens often causing me to either leave her behind and go to the event or cook the dinner (I cook almost every night now anyways) or to stay with her and attempt to comfort her. When we do talk she talks as if it is not related to the event for her canceling it is just that she is in such a terrible place that she doesn't want to do anything. This is causing me hurt every time as I love my wife and always encourage and support her. She does have depression and anxiety (both being untreated) and we are doing marriage counseling (2 years now).
> 
> ...


In my experience, sounds like emotional flooding leading to emotional withholding. 

The one is an inability to deal with her reality, which leads to her coping strategy, which is emotional abuse. Also known as avoidant abuse.
http://www.makesexeasy.com/emotional-flooding/
https://vocal.media/humans/what-is-emotional-withholding


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

dvsninja2 said:


> UpsideDownWorld11 said:
> 
> 
> > There is nothing much you can do if she refuses to help herself. Honestly, she sounds entitled and selfish more than anything. Even depressed or anxious people have bouts where they don't want to do something but they suck it up and do it because they know it's right. Like seeing your family, like preparing dinner, like showing up for work. Bailing on friends is one thing. Bailing on family is another.
> ...


My wife is similar in that respect. Its exhausting. It all comes from stress/anger and not having proper coping mechanisms. Her coping is passive aggressive, I'm the victim BS.

I told my wife if she didn't get help with it that it would destroy our marriage. She is seeing a therapist. Its helped a little but then there will be those same bouts once in awhile and you can't tell her a damn thing...then it will set me off and the day is ruined.

I guess I don't have much advise but I get what you are saying.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Marduk said:


> In my experience, sounds like emotional flooding leading to emotional withholding.
> 
> The one is an inability to deal with her reality, which leads to her coping strategy, which is emotional abuse. Also known as avoidant abuse.
> http://www.makesexeasy.com/emotional-flooding/
> https://vocal.media/humans/what-is-emotional-withholding


Interesting...


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Emotional unavailable people act this way.

Has your wife had any professional help?

Does she do any drugs now or take any medication?


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## dvsninja2 (May 2, 2019)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Interesting...


I read these and they do seem very familiar. The last article kind of sucks that the only suggesting to dealing with a partner doing it is to leave them? WTF really thats it? I have two kids and been married for 10 years, not that simple as the author suggests.


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## dvsninja2 (May 2, 2019)

Beach123 said:


> Emotional unavailable people act this way.
> 
> Has your wife had any professional help?
> 
> Does she do any drugs now or take any medication?


She used to do individual counseling, now its just marriage counseling. Same time she was on medication and now she is not. She tried really hard to find a medication that worked and tried different anti-depressants.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

dvsninja2 said:


> I read these and they do seem very familiar. The last article kind of sucks that the only suggesting to dealing with a partner doing it is to leave them? WTF really thats it? I have two kids and been married for 10 years, not that simple as the author suggests.


Well, if it goes far enough, it's technically emotional abuse.

So if you're being abused and the abuser won't stop, then the default choice is to naturally get the person that's being abused to safety - which means away from the abuser.

Your call if it's gone that far. But I will tell you one thing - just learning to live with it is giving her the freedom to run with it even more.

What needs to change is her. She's not here. Does she want to change?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Have you asked her how she plans to resolve issues she has in life if there’s no opportunity to discuss them until they are resolved?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Catatonic? Emotionally catatonic?

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/322199.php


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

dvsninja2 said:


> She used to do individual counseling, now its just marriage counseling. Same time she was on medication and now she is not. She tried really hard to find a medication that worked and tried different anti-depressants.


You both need Individual counselling. I don't think now is the time for marriage counselling.
She needs to keep trying meds until she finds something. It's not easy, but it is necessary.
If she prefers NOT to take meds, then she must find a counsellor who specializes in CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) or DBT (dialectic behaviour therapy) or EFT (emotion focused therapy)
She needs coping mechanisms, she doesn't have any and shutting down or shutting people out just makes things worse over time.

I know. I've had depression/anxiety and anger management issues my entire adult life. CBT helps TREMENDOUSLY and clinical studies show that it is as effective as medication for some aspects.


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