# Is it over or is there hope?



## ssdd (Jan 17, 2013)

Not sure where to post this since there are so many different issues, so please bear with me. My wife and I had a child about a year and a half ago. She has been a stay-at-home mom since about a month before the birth of our child.
Early last year, some of my financial misgivings caught up with me. Instead of talking to her regarding our financial situation, I took it on myself to do whatever it took to maintain our home and allow her to remain at home to raise our daughter. This caused me to get caught up in taking out multiple loans and eventually not being able to pay them back. After finding out about this, she went to live with her parents for the better part of the year while I "got my sh*t together".
During this time, we remained civil for the most part and would talk each day to my little girl over the phone. Usually, if the discussion wasn't about our baby, it would end up in a fight. This went on for months.
Around the holidays, they both came back home and I have since filed for bankruptcy on my own, not including her. Now, it's like we are just going through the motions. We don't really talk at all. I know the financial infidelity caused a huge loss of trust, but at what point, if ever, is it possible to move past it?
Just need some help.


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## BarelyThere (Dec 31, 2012)

That is a major betrayal for her to move past. If she's back home, that's a good step. Have you tried to involve her in creating a budget and taking part in financial decisions from here on out? Enlisting her help and then following her advice will convince her of your good intentions.


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## Navy3 (Apr 27, 2012)

hi, i'm dealing with this,my husband has run up massive debts, we're in the UK - are you in the UK?
we ought to have gone BR too as things are so tight & it is going to take many more yrs to sort things out. i lent £ off my parents & we did a full & final IVA.

from my point of view my husband has repeated getting into debt several times. every time he promises this will be the last time. for me it will be because i can't take any more of it. if he does it again I will go BR & let him sort himself out - i've told him.

the broken promises really hurt. he lets strangers (ie debt collector or someone rings the house)tell me,he never comes clean, i've felt v dis respected. it threatens home - security is so important. i felt he was meant to be my soul mate,my protector. instead we were on the verge of loosing our home (your wife will feel this so,so hard & frightening with a little one),i had NO £ for food - it still haunts me. i was so scared i had a upset tummy,panic attacks,i came out in a rash,couldn't sleep.i was a wreck.

we have a small emergency fund which hubby agreed to being in my name to try & make me feel a bit safer.

we have a budget & we do the £ together now. i've had to learn to be more involved in the budget. he said he feels better us doing it together. i don't ever want him to be so burdened like that ever again, he can't control himself with credit cards. he'd taken a £15k secret loan out,had cc's,even secret bank accounts with overdrafts!!!!

you've shattered her trust,frightened her - i'm in the same place.
sometimes i wonder what else is my husband hiding?? is it my fault?
is he un happy with me?? why didn't he talk to me??

if she has come home then you have HOPE. don't give up. what about seeing the DR? our DR has arranged therapy for my husband.
him agreeing to go gave me a loud message that he is willing to look at what lies beneath his re occuring financial infidelity. we haven't got the money for Relate marriage help.

he already realises he controlled all the £ &thus controlled me. power & control.i've never even had £ for milk & bread until this budget.

i got a book 2nd hand off Amazon Financial Infidelity 7 steps to conquering the relationship wrecker by Bonnie Eaker Weil Phd. maybe the library will have it if you can't afford it? 

it's effected every part of our marriage. shaken the very ground under my feet. i'm angry but so terribly hurt.
keep telling her that you're sorry. tell her "i love you", talk to her. make time for her - simple things,take her & your baby out for a walk. if you can afford a "date night" go out,if not cook for her. 
LISTEN AND HEAR WHAT SHE SAYS SHE FEELS.

are you sure BR is the only option? best option? have you checked out how this will impact her ? ie if you have a mortgage will you lose the house? don't rush,re search so you know what other options are out there. above all don't put your head in the sand - debt is like a weed,it grows.

post if you're in the UK.


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## newlywedokc (Jan 26, 2013)

As of yesterday I am in the same boat. I will first give a little background.

6 months after we began dating, i caught my husband in a small lie. He had lied about the amount of time him and his ex fiance were together. When I confronted him he confessed to lying about everything. 

He had originally told me he was suing her for all kinds of money she took from him. He said he had $46,000 in his bank account and with his tech savvy-ness he even created what looked like a bank account printout with that amount in it. He said he use to have great credit and since he did not pay back the jewelry store credit card he opened to buy her ring his credit was ruined. 

Those were all the things I thought were true. He confessed to not ever trying to sue her, forging a fake account, owing lots of money for all the jewelry he bought her, and other confessions like that.

I was devastated, but we talked and moved on. I tried to forgive him and he seemed to be trying so hard to earn back my trust. He swore he would never lie to me again. from that day forward I had access to all his bank accounts and could check into anything I wanted to prove he was telling the truth. I felt at ease.


That brings us to yesterday. We were at the car dealership trying to get a car. They took forever to come back and let us know whether or not we were approved. I walked out and he went to "complain" about the time we had waited. When he came out to the car he said for some reason he has a bankruptcy on his credit report and he was really angry because he never filed. He said he was going to have to call the credit agencies and find out what happened.

That sounded fishy to me so I said if you did file I need to know. PLEASE DON'T LIE TO ME! .....After a long pause he confessed to lying to me again. He filed for bankruptcy (13) a month after we started dating. He didn't just owe the money on the jewelry. He owed well over 10,000 in credit card debt he racked up buying things for his ex. Plus he included his car on the bankruptcy. He has three years left until it is all paid off. 

I was beyond distraught. Not only did he lie AGAIN, but he has been lying our ENTIRE relationship. Not to mention I asked him the night before our wedding if there were any more lies and he swore there weren't. Keep in mind we got married a few months ago. 

So I understand what your wife is feeling completely!! She doesn't trust you. She wonders what else you are hiding. She wonders if it is possible for you to change. 

Yes, I believe it is possible to move past. (At least I am going to try.) But you need to be 100% honest with her from now on about EVERYTHING! If you remember something you lied about in the past...tell her! Right away is best! It is going to be a long long time before she ever trusts you again but if you work hard enough you will get there. 

She needs to come to terms with her anger and hurt. It will take a while. She probably feels like you hurt her deeply and she would never hurt you. What I would suggest is to go and take initiative. Look up a marriage councilor in your area...talk to your church...sign up for a financial help class or meet with a planner...you just need to do something BIG without her having to tell you and show her you are SERIOUS about changing. 

I hope everything works out for both of us.


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## Omegaa (Nov 17, 2012)

ssdd said:


> Early last year, some of my financial misgivings caught up with me.
> 
> This caused me to get caught up in taking out multiple loans and eventually not being able to pay them back.


Hi ssdd

What sort of financial "misgivings" did you have if you don't mind me asking this?

If your wife does love you then I'm sure she will forgive you.


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## ssdd (Jan 17, 2013)

Sorry I haven't been back on here in a couple days.

BarelyThere: I have relinquished all control of our finances over to her. This took place before the separation and has continued to this day.

Navy3, not in the UK and yes, BR is the only option. Luckily, the debt was only in my name, so her credit is still solid and we aren't in any danger of losing our home or vehicles.

Omegaa: I spent money we didn't have on stupid things, then had to take out loans to cover our bills. When those caught up with me, everything went downhill.

A little more back-story: This isn't the first time I've messed up. I have had a history of substance abuse in the past and that has caused issues earlier in our marriage. It seems just when the trust comes back, I do something stupid to make matters worse.

We still don't talk very much unless it's about the little one. We are both great parents, it just seems that we suck as a couple (my fault and my fault alone). When she asks the important question of why, my answer is never good enough. I think I may be a borderline sociopath or something. Anyways, last week, she took off her wedding ring and hasn't put it back on since. I feel that she has checked out of the marriage already. I left for work early one day to talk to her about things, but the conversation got no where as she immediately let anger take over the talk. She did agree to MC, but later said that she "didn't want people to say we didn't try". That seems like it's more to safe face than actually work on our marriage.

Any advice regarding the ring coming off and the MC comments? I know that I am the cause of our problems and know that I need to get myself straight, but it seems that she is no longer interested in staying married...and honestly, I can't blame her.


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## BarelyThere (Dec 31, 2012)

I wouldn't worry too much about *why* she's going to MC; just be happy that she is. Here's hoping going and hearing from a professional will help her get over the past and be able to move forward with you.


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## Mr.D.E.B.T. (Jul 19, 2012)

"Any advice regarding the ring coming off and the MC comments? I know that I am the cause of our problems and know that I need to get myself straight, but it seems that she is no longer interested in staying married...and honestly, I can't blame her"

SSDD: You can't read her mind and knmow exactly what she is thinking, so stay away from assumptions. I would like to know if you are really interested in staying in the marriage. I suggest you both sit down and have a conversation with a promise of no consequences. No matter what either of you says, there should be no ramifications (unless it involves and std or affair). I also recommend you both seek counseling. It is possible that she wants to stay but doesn't know how it will work. It is possible that she is planning to leave. Confront the situation now and if you want to keep her; do what you need to do.


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