# WS' sudden jealousy??



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Since my H's Ea and our R, I have noticed he seems to be much more jealous than he was before? Its weird. He was never really a jealous sort, but now...

I have a guy friend(yes we used to date long ago) but he lives in another state and we dont talk that often but we have always kept in contact. We have known each other since I was born. We grew up on the same street. Our families hung out together etc. Anyway, we have always had contact. My H never really seemed to mind. I always told him about our conversations or when I saw him. Well, NOW since the EA and R my H is suddenly jealous of him and not just him???? WTF?

Last night my phone rang and it had 1-***-910-0000 (friends # always shows zero's b/c he is a commander for swat out of state and his phone is outbound only so it doesnt read the actual number but the main number to the headquarters) . I couldnt get to it and no message- H said "who was that? Was it ____?" God, that pisses me off" What???? Since when?

Anyone else have this kinda thing happen with a WS?:scratchhead:


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

He is now very aware where this relationship can head, do yourself a favor and end contact with your ex


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

He is now aware that the marriage contract has been broken and that you are freely entitled to move on.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> He is now very aware where this relationship can head, do yourself a favor and end contact with your ex


"where THIS relationship can head?" Um, it can head nowhere. Seriously. And he has Never had a problem with him before. Suddenly he is convinced that "T" is head over heals in love with me and always has been and is just waiting for H to 'screw up'? 
Its ridiculous. And he lives on the other side of the country. We speak 4-5 times a year. Seriously, we have had a relationship for 40 years. Nothing new to suddenly decide to worry about.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

He's knows that he's damaged goods and is afraid that you might leave him for another man.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Ok, here's my take. I was a WW. My DH was ALWAYS jealous, but then when he got sick (mental problems, he's getting it taken care of but slow going), I didn't cope. I had an EA. It started as confiding frustration and grew from there. DH found out. EA ended. We started working on us, but he fell back into the same old patterns that had frustrated me before. I confided in a MUTUAL friend..and another EA started. This time, I had almost completely checked out of the relationship. Without him saying or doing anything to end it, it ended on its own. I was still in my fog, but then woke up one day and realized that I didn't want to lose DH. I was curious about his texts with a female mutual friend, but didn't think anything of it, at first. I was ok with it before. But then I noticed he was talking to her more. I knew where it could lead because I had been there. I was, unfortunately, correct in my assessment. He had started an EA of his own. He didn't think I would care... which tells me he knew all along, but didn't know what to do to stop it (mine, not his). I was jealous as hell! But, I was right. And I think that's what your H is afraid of... he's been there and knows how easy it is to slip into an EA, and he is worried/jealous.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Ok, here's my take. I was a WW. My DH was ALWAYS jealous, but then when he got sick (mental problems, he's getting it taken care of but slow going), I didn't cope. I had an EA. It started as confiding frustration and grew from there. DH found out. EA ended. We started working on us, but he fell back into the same old patterns that had frustrated me before. I confided in a MUTUAL friend..and another EA started. This time, I had almost completely checked out of the relationship. Without him saying or doing anything to end it, it ended on its own. I was still in my fog, but then woke up one day and realized that I didn't want to lose DH. I was curious about his texts with a female mutual friend, but didn't think anything of it, at first. I was ok with it before. But then I noticed he was talking to her more. I knew where it could lead because I had been there. I was, unfortunately, correct in my assessment. He had started an EA of his own. He didn't think I would care... which tells me he knew all along, but didn't know what to do to stop it (mine, not his). I was jealous as hell! But, I was right. And I think that's what your H is afraid of... he's been there and knows how easy it is to slip into an EA, and he is worried/jealous.


so basically, he thinks because he did it so will I? Even though I have proven that I wont. I wont say never. Never is a dangerous word. But I guess your point is that Im convicted before hand b/c he did it? Though I have had years of an appropriate friendship with this guy. Boundaries and all. Now that H has strayed, Im on the hotseat???


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> He is now very aware where this relationship can head, do yourself a favor and end contact with your ex


Believe me, if it comes to that I will definately do that. There is NO choice to be made between the two of them. I just dont get why suddenly he doesnt trust me? I havent done anything but be faithful and loyal to him. I have had opportunity to cheat. I chose not to. I would chose not to again. Even now. Maybe especially now. Because I know how it feels to be a BS.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> so basically, he thinks because he did it so will I? Even though I have proven that I wont. I wont say never. Never is a dangerous word. But I guess your point is that Im convicted before hand b/c he did it? Though I have had years of an appropriate friendship with this guy. Boundaries and all. Now that H has strayed, Im on the hotseat???


It's not so much that you WILL... He's afraid. He's afraid you will do it too. My husband swore he would never do it either. In my case, my fear was correct. But in your husband's, it is not. He's afraid he will lose you. You said you are in counseling, right? Bring it up in the next session. See how it can be addressed.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I'm just of the opinion that being friends with an ex is a bad idea, the appearance of impropriety can be dangerous


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> I'm just of the opinion that being friends with an ex is a bad idea, the appearance of impropriety can be dangerous


Yeah, I know its not popular on TAM. And it hasnt appeared improper to him until now. I just was suprised at his sudden issue with him. If it really bothers him then it does. So I do think its more about feeling vulnerable right now. Like he worries he will try to exploit a weak spot. (he wouldnt) But I can understand why he might feel that way. Cant say it doesnt irritate me a bit b/c I have no interest in "T" and H knows that. I will address it with him and cut it off if need be. Is this pretty typical? For the WS who wasnt jealous before to suddenly become so?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> It's not so much that you WILL... He's afraid. He's afraid you will do it too. My husband swore he would never do it either. In my case, my fear was correct. But in your husband's, it is not. He's afraid he will lose you. You said you are in counseling, right? Bring it up in the next session. See how it can be addressed.


No. We arent in MC-he is in IC. I did IC for several months when I first figured out the EA. Even before he admitted to it and for a few months afterward. He continues IC. And he is afraid. Admittedly so. I can understand that. I too feel that fear since seeing how easily he became involved with someone else. I think he was in denial about how easily these things can happen and now he thinks "wow, if I did it whats stopping her? I mean there he is right in her face" Not realistic but and emotional reaction.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> No. We arent in MC-he is in IC. I did IC for several months when I first figured out the EA. Even before he admitted to it and for a few months afterward. He continues IC. And he is afraid. Admittedly so. I can understand that. I too feel that fear since seeing how easily he became involved with someone else. I think he was in denial about how easily these things can happen and now he thinks "wow, if I did it whats stopping her? I mean there he is right in her face" Not realistic but and emotional reaction.


BINGO! That's just it... "what's to stop her?" Now, IF, and that's a big IF, you can manage to go to one of his sessions (the next one, maybe?), if it's allowed, see if there is anything that can be done to get him over that fear. OBVIOUSLY, you are not responsible for his fears. He is. And you are not obligated to make him feel better. But it's driving you nuts. And if anything can get him to stop hounding you, because of his fears, ask his therapist what that might be.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> BINGO! That's just it... "what's to stop her?" Now, IF, and that's a big IF, you can manage to go to one of his sessions (the next one, maybe?), if it's allowed, see if there is anything that can be done to get him over that fear. OBVIOUSLY, you are not responsible for his fears. He is. And you are not obligated to make him feel better. But it's driving you nuts. And if anything can get him to stop hounding you, because of his fears, ask his therapist what that might be.


Right. I mean a little jealousy is cute but wow lets not get crazy, right? In the past he's pretty much had NONE. So its way outta character. And I like I said a little that says " I care" is ok but lets not go hog wild here. Im not about to leave him for some guy Ive known(dated and said no thanks to)for all my life or for anyone else. IF I were to leave him it would be of my own accord and not FOR anyone. Thats not going to happen, BTW.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Hello boys and girls (he says in a Mr Rogers voice), can you say the word *PROJECTION*? I knew you could.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

morituri said:


> Hello boys and girls (he says in a Mr Rogers voice), can you say the word *PROJECTION*? I knew you could.


meaning that he thinks b/c he was a cheater that I could/can be too? Just to clarify.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> meaning that he thinks b/c he was a cheater that I could/can be too? Just to clarify.


Yep


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Believe me, if it comes to that I will definately do that. There is NO choice to be made between the two of them. I just dont get why suddenly he doesnt trust me? I havent done anything but be faithful and loyal to him. I have had opportunity to cheat. I chose not to. I would chose not to again. Even now. Maybe especially now. Because I know how it feels to be a BS.


My cheater spouse is very suspicious and jealous since his full blown affair of emotional, physical and financial infidelity. 

Because he did it, he is now suspicious that I have secret bank accounts, credit cards, have hidden some of our assets, have a burner phone, am seeing someone and having an affair. 

When I decided to separate, this suspicion got worse.

I told him to hire a PI, and and a forensic accountant to prove he was wrong. 

I also told him if he didn't I would hire one on my own to investigate me. He told me they would cover things up.

The PI and accountant will not lie under oath in divorce court for a client.

I think, cheaters, are always suspicious of the BS. It seems to be common for them to accuse the loyal spouse of some type of infidelity similar to their own.

Maybe, it's because they want their spouse to be disloyal so they don't have to feel so bad about their own behavior?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> My cheater spouse is very suspicious and jealous since his full blown affair of emotional, physical and financial infidelity.
> 
> Because he did it, he is now suspicious that I have secret bank accounts, credit cards, have hidden some of our assets, have a burner phone, am seeing someone and having an affair.
> 
> ...


It's a possibility, but I know that in my case, I feel MORE guilty. Like, if I hadn't had an EA, then he wouldn't have, kind of thing. But some cheating spouses may feel what you stated....probably most.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> meaning that he thinks b/c he was a cheater that I could/can be too? Just to clarify.


Or - Maybe he thinks that since you "took away HIS toys", you are not entitled to even the appearance (to him) of having a toy. Meaning that since he was caught, etc. and so forth, and you are now in a position of beginning a new commitment with each other, which would, I presume, include a commitment to not engage in a relationship with OW, he now feels it is fair to demand that you not engage with this OM (even though the relationship is not the same kind).

In other words, yes. There may be a part in his brain which suggests that you may sometime in the future decide that your WS is no longer worthy of your faithfulness and having this friendship is a threat to him.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I mostly agree with what's been said, but I would say it a little differently. To me it's a combination of two things. One is that his trust is broken to, his trust in himself and yes that is projecting on to you. Second is that he is hyper aware right now. He's on the lookout for contact from the OW, he's on the lookout to make sure he maintains boundaries, he's on the lookout to make sure he does everything right and nothing wrong to save and protect the marriage. His hyper vigilance is bringing things to his attention that he would never have noticed before, and now anything that might be a threat is a threat. That combined with the trust issues he has (I know that's counter intuitive) leads to the expression of jealousy on his part. 

I can't really say I went through this, but I have always been a little jealous and a little paranoid so I was already there. 

Think of it this way. The marriage is still destabilized, he's just over compensating a little because of that. Don't make a huge deal about it. The issue will likely return to its old stasis as things slowly stabilize. If you push it, he will likely push back creating a situation where you have to pick.


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

It just doesn't seem fair to me that you have to give up your friend because your husband cheated. 
I'm going through something similar and it is making me angry and resentful. I'm not the cheater, why am I being punished??? That's how it feels... I am trustworthy and always was so why should I have to do things to make the cheater feel better. Screw that.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> I mostly agree with what's been said, but I would say it a little differently. To me it's a combination of two things. One is that his trust is broken to, his trust in himself and yes that is projecting on to you. Second is that he is hyper aware right now. He's on the lookout for contact from the OW, he's on the lookout to make sure he maintains boundaries, he's on the lookout to make sure he does everything right and nothing wrong to save and protect the marriage. His hyper vigilance is bringing things to his attention that he would never have noticed before, and now anything that might be a threat is a threat. That combined with the trust issues he has (I know that's counter intuitive) leads to the expression of jealousy on his part.
> 
> I can't really say I went through this, but I have always been a little jealous and a little paranoid so I was already there.
> 
> Think of it this way. The marriage is still destabilized, he's just over compensating a little because of that. Don't make a huge deal about it. The issue will likely return to its old stasis as things slowly stabilize. If you push it, he will likely push back creating a situation where you have to pick.


Im not pushing it all. I just let it go the other night. I said "In all this time and over all of these years, I have chosen YOU and I will continue to do so. Not that a choice really needs to be made" and he said " I dont trust him and I think he would take advantage of the situation" He wouldnt/hasnt. But I didnt respond like that I just kissed him and said "what HE would/wouldnt do is irrelevant" I think that might have been the wrong thing to say b/c he saw it as confirmation but I was trying to say what matters is how I feel.

I think youre right. Im gonna try to pacify him. If I hear from my friend anytime soon I will ask him to back off for a while and let things die down. Im sure he will do so if asked. But if H asks me to cut him off flat out-I wont love it but I will.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> Or - Maybe he thinks that since you "took away HIS toys", you are not entitled to even the appearance (to him) of having a toy. Meaning that since he was caught, etc. and so forth, and you are now in a position of beginning a new commitment with each other, which would, I presume, include a commitment to not engage in a relationship with OW, he now feels it is fair to demand that you not engage with this OM (even though the relationship is not the same kind).
> 
> In other words, yes. There may be a part in his brain which suggests that you may sometime in the future decide that your WS is no longer worthy of your faithfulness and having this friendship is a threat to him.


I dont think this is exactly the way H thinks. I dont think he thinks I "took away his toys" really. He is remorseful and embarrassed and working very hard to fix what he did.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Well - I understood what you meant - so if he misinterpreted he's working at it. The only thing I would say is that if "T" sticks his head up in the immediate future I wouldn't say anything out of the ordinary to him - and in the interest of transparency I would tell your H. If you say anything to T you will create at least the appearance of a "deal" between you and T about your marriage - with your H on the outside. I know in your case it's not, but look at that objectively - that's step one on the slope to an EA. Were you to read a post here saying, "my wife is contacting an old BF that she's known all her life - she asked him to lay low until things "get better" what would your advice be that poster? See what I mean? 

If T says hi - just say hi back and don't do anything to further the conversation, and tell your H about it.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> Well - I understood what you meant - so if he misinterpreted he's working at it. The only thing I would say is that if "T" sticks his head up in the immediate future I wouldn't say anything out of the ordinary to him - and in the interest of transparency I would tell your H. If you say anything to T you will create at least the appearance of a "deal" between you and T about your marriage - with your H on the outside. I know in your case it's not, but look at that objectively - that's step one on the slope to an EA. Were you to read a post here saying, "my wife is contacting an old BF that she's known all her life - she asked him to lay low until things "get better" what would your advice be that poster? See what I mean?
> 
> If T says hi - just say hi back and don't do anything to further the conversation, and tell your H about it.


Deal. And I always tell him anyway. I have no secrets when it comes to him especially.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

This may pass in time. In the mean while I would just be transparent with any contact. I think projection and hyper sensitivity is right on. Weigh your optioins and decide. Right now you have time to think this through. What I would not do is delete any text or hide contact (I am not saying you did or will). I firmly believe this is your H's issue but be aware of his feeelings.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Crazytown said:


> It just doesn't seem fair to me that you have to give up your friend because your husband cheated.
> I'm going through something similar and it is making me angry and resentful. I'm not the cheater, why am I being punished??? That's how it feels... I am trustworthy and always was so why should I have to do things to make the cheater feel better. Screw that.


why is that punishment?

it should have been a boundary from the get go, and frankly I view it that if I don't want my partner to engage in inappropriate activities then I should also abide by defined boundaries including not being friends with an old flame. Why set a bad example? Your intentions can be truly pure but it won't appear that way and that is destructive in of itself.


If you've been cheated on then you should have learned the lesson by now that anyone can cheat and most people who cheat aren't the serial types actively searching out affair partners. Most people fall into cheating by loose boundaries- ESPECIALLY EA's. Most people think that if it isn't physical then it isn't cheating. You can see how easily one can take that destructive path.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> This may pass in time. In the mean while I would just be transparent with any contact. I think projection and hyper sensitivity is right on. Weigh your optioins and decide. Right now you have time to think this through. What I would not do is delete any text or hide contact (I am not saying you did or will). I firmly believe this is your H's issue but be aware of his feeelings.


For sure. And Thor I would NEVER hide him from my H. Never have. There is nothing to hide. Seriously. It would be no contest if my H needed me to cut it off. That said, I would resent that b/c HE had an A I now need to start cutting off friends. But on the other hand sometimes things arent logical and if its what he needs to move forward, its a small price. But Im not making any decisions now unless its requested


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> why is that punishment?
> 
> it should have been a boundary from the get go, and frankly I view it that if I don't want my partner to engage in inappropriate activities then I should also abide by defined boundaries including not being friends with an old flame. Why set a bad example? Your intentions can be truly pure but it won't appear that way and that is destructive in of itself.
> 
> ...


I wouldnt see it as 'punishment' but rather a forced choice. One that I will make. If my H decides he cant/wont deal with him, I will cut it off. My H knows nothing is/will happen with this guy but if he has decided rationally or not that he cant deal with it right now, then he cant. I think Sig has it right. Just let it ride for now. See if it runs its course. If it doesnt then I will absolutely say "I chose my H" and that's it. My H knows he comes first, always.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

canttrustu said:


> I wouldnt see it as 'punishment' but rather a forced choice. One that I will make. If my H decides he cant/wont deal with him, I will cut it off. My H knows nothing is/will happen with this guy but if he has decided rationally or not that he cant deal with it right now, then he cant. I think Sig has it right. Just let it ride for now. See if it runs its course. If it doesnt then I will absolutely say "I chose my H" and that's it. My H knows he comes first, always.


Well, as long as he "knows" and you say "nothing will happen," then, by golly, how could he possibly take exception? I mean, my wife confided in a friend that, although there was a palpable sexual tension between her and a co-worker, "nothing was going to happen," because she didn't want to cheat on me. Of course, a week later, she was bent over a park bench for him, but hey..."nothing was going to happen."

Don't get me wrong...I'm not excusing your H's EA. But, that same EA puts him into a unique position between the two of you of being able to say, "Hey...I recognize this. This is how many EA's start, with strong friendships and sharing confidences." Your H has made it clear that it bothers him. Yet here you are, making justifications for continuing contact with your "friend." So, despite your words to the contrary, you really haven't chosen your husband over the hunky SWAT commander ex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Grayson said:


> Well, as long as he "knows" and you say "nothing will happen," then, by golly, how could he possibly take exception? I mean, my wife confided in a friend that, although there was a palpable sexual tension between her and a co-worker, "nothing was going to happen," because she didn't want to cheat on me. Of course, a week later, she was bent over a park bench for him, but hey..."nothing was going to happen."
> 
> Don't get me wrong...I'm not excusing your H's EA. But, that same EA puts him into a unique position between the two of you of being able to say, "Hey...I recognize this. This is how many EA's start, with strong friendships and sharing confidences." Your H has made it clear that it bothers him. Yet here you are, making justifications for continuing contact with your "friend." So, despite your words to the contrary, you really haven't chosen your husband over the hunky SWAT commander ex.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well 2 things here- 1. I dont continue to CONTACT him ever. and 2.
I have known him for 40 years and he lives on the other side of the country and my H is privy to every conversation we have. And my H is far far more 'hunky' than him no matter what he happens to do for a living. I chose my H 16years ago and I choose him now. There are no secrets between us when it comes to him especially. I understand your sensitivity to the situation however. And he isnt a "friend" he is a friend. A friend I speak to 4-5 times a year. No texting, no emailing, no fbing. Nothing. Furthermore, I dont 'confide' in him.

I am sorry for your situation and I hope it works out for you. Truly I do.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

canttrustu said:


> Well 2 things here- 1. I dont continue to CONTACT him ever. and 2.
> I have known him for 40 years and he lives on the other side of the country and my H is privy to every conversation we have. And my H is far far more 'hunky' than him no matter what he happens to do for a living. I chose my H 16years ago and I choose him now. There are no secrets between us when it comes to him especially. I understand your sensitivity to the situation however. And he isnt a "friend" he is a friend. A friend I speak to 4-5 times a year. No texting, no emailing, no fbing. Nothing. Furthermore, I dont 'confide' in him.


And, there you go, continuing to rationalize continuing your contact with him. With your words, you say you've chosen your husband over the OM. But your actions scream otherwise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Well 2 things here- 1. I dont continue to CONTACT him ever. and 2.
> *I have known him for 40 years and he lives on the other side of the country *and my H is privy to every conversation we have. And my H is far far more 'hunky' than him no matter what he happens to do for a living. I chose my H 16years ago and I choose him now. There are no secrets between us when it comes to him especially. I understand your sensitivity to the situation however. And he isnt a "friend" he is a friend. A friend I speak to 4-5 times a year. No texting, no emailing, no fbing. Nothing. Furthermore, I dont 'confide' in him.
> 
> I am sorry for your situation and I hope it works out for you. Truly I do.


All the more reason to let him go. The fact that we're discussing him means that he's an issue. Your husband shouldn't have to ask you to let go of this friendship.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Actually I didnt start this thread to talk about Him. Its the turn it took. I was asking if WS' usually take this turn? But your point is taken.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

canttrustu said:


> Actually I didnt start this thread to talk about Him. Its the turn it took. I was asking if WS' usually take this turn? But your point is taken.


And to answer that question, they may take that turn, because - as noted above - they can recognize the start of the path that they, themselves, walked down. And, this thread took the turn it did because you're on the same path that we've seen many a time before...the path where, while not looking to start one, you can end up in an EA yourself, and are demonstrating classic behavior of someone who can't/won't see the problem that this "friendship" presents.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Grayson said:


> And to answer that question, they may take that turn, because - as noted above - they can recognize the start of the path that they, themselves, walked down. And, this thread took the turn it did because you're on the same path that we've seen many a time before...the path where, while not looking to start one, you can end up in an EA yourself, and are demonstrating classic behavior of someone who can't/won't see the problem that this "friendship" presents.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


As I said, your point is taken. And I am very aware of how EA's start. I am VERY aware. It starts with secrets and walling your spouse off from the 'relationship' with the other person. With putting that relationship first and keeping secrets and doing things with that person/saying things to that person that you keep from your spouse. I know exactly how it starts.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Grayson said:


> And to answer that question, they may take that turn, because - as noted above - they can recognize the start of the path that they, themselves, walked down. And, this thread took the turn it did because you're on the same path that we've seen many a time before...the path where, while not looking to start one, you can end up in an EA yourself, and are demonstrating classic behavior of someone who can't/won't see the problem that this "friendship" presents.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And, I know that some don't even see it as an EA, even when pointing it out. My husband STILL maintains his "friendship" really was just friends. Even after I pointed out that you do NOT tell someone who is ONLY a friend that she is sexy. You don't agree to receive pics that are racy/provocative/revealing (even if not naked)... And he/we only knew this woman online for about 4 years. He hardly ever spoke to her until a few months ago, when his texting jumped to about 1000 in a month.

It's a fine line... one that some of us, unfortunately, know all too well.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> And, I know that some don't even see it as an EA, even when pointing it out. My husband STILL maintains his "friendship" really was just friends. Even after I pointed out that you do NOT tell someone who is ONLY a friend that she is sexy. You don't agree to receive pics that are racy/provocative/revealing (even if not naked)... And he/we only knew this woman online for about 4 years. He hardly ever spoke to her until a few months ago, when his texting jumped to about 1000 in a month.
> 
> It's a fine line... one that some of us, unfortunately, know all too well.


Well believe me when I tell you- I know what an EA is all too well.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Well believe me when I tell you- I know what an EA is all too well.


No, I know you do.... but so did my husband. That's all we are saying. It's easy to get into it, without realizing it's happening. Anyway, that's what your husband is worried about. Tho you have assured him it will never happen, he knows how easy it is, regardless of what anyone says. That's why he's not ok with the friendship anymore.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> No, I know you do.... but so did my husband. That's all we are saying. It's easy to get into it, without realizing it's happening. Anyway, that's what your husband is worried about. Tho you have assured him it will never happen, he knows how easy it is, regardless of what anyone says. That's why he's not ok with the friendship anymore.


Exactly.

And, sorry to keep harping on a point, but when you say in the same breath, "I've chosen my husband over this other guy. Here's why I should still be able to talk to the other guy over my husband's objections," that's not going to ease your husband's concerns.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Thanks everyone for being so honest about your thoughts. After reading this thread- I went back to my H and asked more questions. He expressed his concerns for this person and I understand. So you will all be happy to know that I ended our friendship last night. Thanks again. Sometimes you need a swift kick in the posterior end.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

I'm proud of you CTU. I was a little confused by this, to be honest, because you know this type of thing can get out of hand without knowing or intending it too...You and Hubby are doing so good and don't need a little bump in the road. 

Kick...


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> I'm proud of you CTU. I was a little confused by this, to be honest, because you know this type of thing can get out of hand without knowing or intending it too...You and Hubby are doing so good and don't need a little bump in the road.
> 
> Kick...


I know. Coming from me Im sure it did confuse you.Im not for contact with ex's in general either. Its just because its been a life-long relationship and his family and my family are very close. Lots of ins and outs but ultimately- It hurts my H . Right now we have enough hurt to last a life-time. No need/desire to add to it when its so easily fixed. I just wish everything was this simple.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

canttrustu said:


> Thanks everyone for being so honest about your thoughts. After reading this thread- I went back to my H and asked more questions. He expressed his concerns for this person and I understand. So you will all be happy to know that I ended our friendship last night. Thanks again. Sometimes you need a swift kick in the posterior end.


Way to go!

I'm sure it was difficult, but I believe it was for the best in the long run.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Grayson said:


> Way to go!
> 
> I'm sure it was difficult, but I believe it was for the best in the long run.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It was difficult but not as difficult as seeing the look on his face while talking about it. Made it easy. Thanks for being real w/me.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

revenge affair


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Complexity said:


> revenge affair


NO. Not now. Not ever. I would leave first. I wouldnt do that to myself. NO. Just. NO.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Since my H's Ea and our R, I have noticed he seems to be much more jealous than he was before? Its weird. He was never really a jealous sort, but now...


Sounds like he has finally started valuing what he's got. He knows he could lose you. He knows how easy it is to stray. He's probably a little insecure now because, well...he betrayed you, so how can he be sure you wouldn't betray him?

By the way, it probably isn't helping you build your marriage to be talking to your ex. If he really is just a friend, you really ought to cool it and stop talking to him until you get your marriage sorted out, otherwise, you're in an EA yourself and your R is a sham.

Sounds to me like you're protecting the friendship because you haven't been betrayed by your friend over protecting your marriage because you have been betrayed by your husband; I don't think you're doing this intentionally, but it's dangerous to do that because you could inadvertently bond with the ex and screw up the R you and your H are attempting.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> NO. Not now. Not ever. I would leave first. I wouldnt do that to myself. NO. Just. NO.


lol I know , he probably thinks you might "level the playing field" 

My friend cheated on his girlfriend by kissing this other girl, now he bricks it every-time she has a ladies night out.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Complexity said:


> revenge affair


Where did that come from?? That's just a post to start something. There is no evidence of this whatsoever. She had a life long friend that her H always gave at least tacit approval for her to maintain a relationship with. Post D Day H expressed his real feelings about it and with a little help from the people here she got a more realistic understanding of the situation and showed the friend the door - she did exactly what she was supposed to do. 

Either read enough to fully grasp the situation or stop flaming.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> As I said, your point is taken. And I am very aware of how EA's start. I am VERY aware. It starts with secrets and walling your spouse off from the 'relationship' with the other person. With putting that relationship first and keeping secrets and doing things with that person/saying things to that person that you keep from your spouse. I know exactly how it starts.


Just end the friendship. Put your marriage first.

Male female friendships are breeding grounds for affairs.

Your spouse should be your best friend and only opposite sex friends. 

Cripes even close couples friends sometimes find one of the spouses having an affair with their spouse. 

If this bothers your husband honor this boundary if you want your marriage to work


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Where did that come from?? That's just a post to start something. There is no evidence of this whatsoever. She had a life long friend that her H always gave at least tacit approval for her to maintain a relationship with. Post D Day H expressed his real feelings about it and with a little help from the people here she got a more realistic understanding of the situation and showed the friend the door - she did exactly what she was supposed to do.
> 
> Either read enough to fully grasp the situation or stop flaming.


Erm did you read what I wrote.....chill the hell out and take your own advice first


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

yeah I read your subsequent post AFTER (we must have been responding at the same time) I responded - but accusing someone of having an affair of any variety is a joke in poor taste - especially accusing someone who is a victim of an affair themselves.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Complexity said:


> revenge affair


Do you mean that you believe her WH is afraid she will have a revenge affair with her ex and that is why he is jealous?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> yeah I read your subsequent post AFTER (we must have been responding at the same time) I responded - *but accusing someone of having an affair of any variety is a joke in poor taste - especially accusing someone who is a victim of an affair themselves.*


Once again friend, _read _what I've written before jumping to ridiculous conclusions.

ctu, sorry for the threadjack.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

moxy said:


> Do you mean that you believe her WH is afraid she will have a revenge affair with her ex and that is why he is jealous?


Yes I think he's become paranoid, I'm not making any accusation towards CTU


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

words, sometimes we need more to convey what we mean


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Complexity said:


> Once again friend, _read _what I've written before jumping to ridiculous conclusions.
> 
> ctu, sorry for the threadjack.


Well I guess I'm just dense dude cause this below is your first post in this thread....



Complexity said:


> revenge affair


And if I'm so off base why the hell did the OP take it the same way I did???



canttrustu said:


> NO. Not now. Not ever. I would leave first. I wouldnt do that to myself. NO. Just. NO.


So show me what the hell you posted that indicates some deeper meaning or stop calling me stupid.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Complexity said:


> Once again friend, _read _what I've written before jumping to ridiculous conclusions.
> 
> ctu, sorry for the threadjack.


Complex it did sound like thats what you were suggesting. I see now what you meant-that thats what HE thought. But I also agree w Ar and Sigma in saying you gotta be careful here and be clear about what you mean. No worries though. And its all for naught anyway. I chose my H as I should have in the first damned place.
Stupid.

Being more clear on your posts would be helpful though since we cant hear tone or influx we have to rely on written text.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Complex it did sound like thats what you were suggesting. I see now what you meant-that thats what HE thought. But I also agree w Ar and Sigma in saying you gotta be careful here and be clear about what you mean. No worries though. And its all for naught anyway. I chose my H as I should have in the first damned place.
> Stupid.


ctu, sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, I suppose we have a difference in lingual communication . I was just responding to your thread title without making any accusations. I've followed your story from the beginning to know better. I thought my second post would've clarified what I mean but I guess it didn't appear so to some.


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