# How to get him to turn me on?



## Kathy121 (Jul 31, 2011)

My husband and I have been together for 8 years - at first we had no problems in bed, sex was frequent and great. But in the last few years my interest is dimished. A common enough problem from what I've seen from other posts . . .but we have no kids, we're both still young (early 30's), and share lots of hobbies and alone / date time together.
Basically what happens is we start getting intimate and he touches me in ways that don't work for me, or he immediately goes for the nipples, inner thighs, etc right away. I move away or move his hands elsewhere and he gets frustrated and gives up. Then I get resentful that he's not willing to take the time or effort to get me in the mood, or to listen to what works, or to work with me to figure out what works. 
I know he wasn't really experienced when we met, but sometimes I think he learned how to have sex by watching porn because he seems to think the things the mailman does or suggests is what gets the housewife going! Maybe some, but not me :scratchhead:
How do I get him to slow down or how do I tell him what I works to turn me from "off" to "on" or even from "neutral" to "on" without hurting his feelings and moving us both to "off"?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

From his perspective you are being too complicated and deliberately trying to prevent intimacy.

From your perspective you've had enough of not being approached exactly how you want to be approached.

And when you two communicate about this it turns out badly.

Quite a trap.

You have to start somewhere and I think that is when you are not in the bedroom.

You need a candid talk about what works for you both. And maybe a good book to read.

Yo may need to drop some of the complication and he definitely needs better techniques.

The worst time to bring that up is when you're already in bed. Your irritation and his defensiveness will not allow for that moment.


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## Kathy121 (Jul 31, 2011)

Wow I think you just summarized what I've just spent the last 12 hours trying to put into words!! Any suggestions on how I can be less complicated? lol. I definately wish I could turn my inner dialogue off! Also, any suggestions on how I can start the conversation about what works (especially since what works one day might not work the next)? I know we are both willing to work on this, I'm just trying to find a way to do so that doesn't hurt his feelings or continue frustrating me!
It seems we go for months just ignoring the problem, then it kind of blows up at us and we're both hurt, then we talk about what we can do to make it better, but then the same thing just keeps happening over and over again . . . so then we ignore it until the next blow-out.
Thanks.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Well.... maybe you both need to hear and understand that sex starts WAY before the bedroom. It starts when you wake up in the morning and smile at your spouse. It continues all day with sexting, flirting, touches, making out, ..... it ends up with you DESIRING each other. 

Also, you could send him texts about "trying something different tonite".... and that night, SHOW him what you want to do...but do it to him. Rub all over his body slowly, show him how to work up to it.... if you have to, tie his hands to the headboard, and keep it all about him. Then YOU do HIM.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Kathy121 said:


> My husband and I have been together for 8 years - at first we had no problems in bed, sex was frequent and great. But in the last few years my interest is dimished. A common enough problem from what I've seen from other posts . . .but we have no kids, we're both still young (early 30's), and share lots of hobbies and alone / date time together.
> Basically what happens is we start getting intimate and he touches me in ways that don't work for me, or he immediately goes for the nipples, inner thighs, etc right away. I move away or move his hands elsewhere and he gets frustrated and gives up. Then I get resentful that he's not willing to take the time or effort to get me in the mood, or to listen to what works, or to work with me to figure out what works.
> I know he wasn't really experienced when we met, but sometimes I think he learned how to have sex by watching porn because he seems to think the things the mailman does or suggests is what gets the housewife going! Maybe some, but not me :scratchhead:
> How do I get him to slow down or how do I tell him what I works to turn me from "off" to "on" or even from "neutral" to "on" without hurting his feelings and moving us both to "off"?


Have him go here --> Married Man Sex Life

Not all the answer to your situation but this should help him out.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Head down to a good bookstore and look for the sex and relationship section and find a good read to share.

Or at a library.

It's good you're looking for help.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> Well.... maybe you both need to hear and understand that sex starts WAY before the bedroom. It starts when you wake up in the morning and smile at your spouse. It continues all day with sexting, flirting, touches, making out, ..... it ends up with you DESIRING each other.


Agreed, sex is sex, but romance lasts all day.


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## SacredLady (Jun 24, 2011)

Hey there, 

you should set little playful rules... i would hate when my bf go straight for my hotspots... i read on a forum that one of the rules could be a 10minute rule (or 5, whatever works for you). Basically it's 10 minutes focusing only on the neck and face area. Nothing lower. It will keep from a wham bam done sex deal plus it adds sparks between u to. try adding in foreplay. tie him up so that he can't touch. dont just abruptly move his hand elsewhere. pick it up and suck on his fingers or something. my bf puts his hands behind my head during the first 10... keep him wanting more, not being rejected and wanting less


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

2 books:amazon has them.

she comes first 

he comes next


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

michzz said:


> From his perspective you are being too complicated and deliberately trying to prevent intimacy.
> 
> From your perspective you've had enough of not being approached exactly how you want to be approached.
> 
> ...


I don't think she's being complicated at all. the fact that some men believe that when you go to bed you just grab and go for it is ridiculous.

I agree with the statement that it starts way before the bedroom, and should be about teasing each other and being playful throughout the day.


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## RAYMOND (Feb 5, 2010)

I think michzz has one of the answers which is talking away from the bedroom. We all need these talks perodically as things can change. Sex has a life of it's own and we are all moving on and renewing the life of it. We do get to those times when we need to talk and bare our souls to each other if need be. Doing things automatically can be a dampener. It's only you who knows what you want. One size does not fit all. We are individuals and these needs should be worked out like everything else.

Porn is a killer also and is mental adultery. Also men try and act out what they see without any reference to how their wives are feeling.

It takes courage to talk but where there is love it yields amazing dividends.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

It should be a give and take kinda thing.

so he dosn't push the right buttons to get you turned on .......

let me ask you this do you ever try to push his buttons weather they be dressing up sexy for him or flirting with him or is all the button pushing left up to him?



try pushing his buttons weather it be dressing sexy and acting like you have been desiring him all day or just an unsolisited BJ.

and then after have a conversation like hey was that good for you did you like it and he should respond with a happy greatfull kinda of attitude.

and then I'm glad because I kinda felt a little selfconsicious about doing the things that I knew you would like .

and then you could slid into something like do you think you could do some of the things that really turn me on.......Like I really like when you take your time with long passionat kisses and let the passion build up befor you go for the gold.


good luck


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Ultimately, you need to discuss this openly, not in the heat of the moment, with your spouse. You need to both talk about what your needs and desires are - he needs to air his, and you need to air yours. Only when you BOTH can begin to see the other person's perspective will you be able to work on compromising.

“_Marriage is not a noun; it's a verb. It isn't something you get. It's something you do. It's the way you love your partner every day_.” ~ Barbara De Angelis


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## Kathy121 (Jul 31, 2011)

Thanks for the info. I agree it's a give and take kind of thing. It's just hard to get into the mood to begin with, then if things aren't working well it's hard to stay in the mood. 
Here's what I'm thinking of as a comprimise (let me know if you think I'm on the right track or if you think this might cause more problems) - I'll pick two or three nights a week for sex and I'll get myself going then call him in when I'm more ready. That way it's not his job to get me turned on and I'll be ready for him to touch me all over. In the meantime, I'll check out books and things we can read together about foreplay techniques (any suggestions? so far all I've found is books on positions). My hope is that by satisfying the immediate need, maybe we'll learn more about each other together? My only concern is that I don't want to have to rely on me getting myself ready all the time - I want him to learn what he can do to get me ready . . . 
I think in terms of the relationship itself (spending time together, having date nights, communicating, etc.) things are pretty good . . . I just don't seem to feel a strong sexual connection in terms of me initiating naturally or responding to his initiations (even though when we do have sex it feels great /is satisfying).


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Kathy121 said:


> Thanks for the info. I agree it's a give and take kind of thing. It's just hard to get into the mood to begin with, then if things aren't working well it's hard to stay in the mood.
> *Here's what I'm thinking of as a comprimise (let me know if you think I'm on the right track or if you think this might cause more problems) - I'll pick two or three nights a week for sex and I'll get myself going then call him in when I'm more ready. That way it's not his job to get me turned on and I'll be ready for him to touch me all over. *In the meantime, I'll check out books and things we can read together about foreplay techniques (any suggestions? so far all I've found is books on positions). My hope is that by satisfying the immediate need, maybe we'll learn more about each other together? My only concern is that I don't want to have to rely on me getting myself ready all the time - I want him to learn what he can do to get me ready . . .
> I think in terms of the relationship itself (spending time together, having date nights, communicating, etc.) things are pretty good . . . I just don't seem to feel a strong sexual connection in terms of me initiating naturally or responding to his initiations (even though when we do have sex it feels great /is satisfying).


I would not do this even as an immediate need!! It risks (like you said) him relying on you getting yourself ready and he might then expect you to just be "on" and it also risks him feeling like he's not really needed to turn you on.

I agree with michzz about having a candid talk with him outside the bedroom and reading together.

It sounds like you need to slow things down and learn foreplay. Get the sensuality happening. Share a bath together. Perhaps lead by example, take your time trailing ice-cubes (and your tongue/kisses) around his body, making him wait before you mouth greets what's between his thighs. Tie his hands if you need to, to do this (as suggest by SacredLady). 

You have a lot of undiscovered fun ahead of you. Good luck!


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Kathy121 said:


> Thanks for the info. I agree it's a give and take kind of thing. It's just hard to get into the mood to begin with, then if things aren't working well it's hard to stay in the mood.
> Here's what I'm thinking of as a comprimise (let me know if you think I'm on the right track or if you think this might cause more problems) - I'll pick two or three nights a week for sex and I'll get myself going then call him in when I'm more ready. That way it's not his job to get me turned on and I'll be ready for him to touch me all over. In the meantime, I'll check out books and things we can read together about foreplay techniques (any suggestions? so far all I've found is books on positions). My hope is that by satisfying the immediate need, maybe we'll learn more about each other together? My only concern is that I don't want to have to rely on me getting myself ready all the time - I want him to learn what he can do to get me ready . . .
> I think in terms of the relationship itself (spending time together, having date nights, communicating, etc.) things are pretty good . . . I just don't seem to feel a strong sexual connection in terms of me initiating naturally or responding to his initiations (even though when we do have sex it feels great /is satisfying).


Don't beat yourself up - it's not uncommon for women to not feel that immediate desire and need. I am much the same way. I have found, though, that the key is WILLINGNESS. I am willing to let my husband work to arouse me. Do some research on women's sexual response (google "Rosemary Basson") in order to understand you are just normal. Desire In Women: Does It Lead To Sex? Or Result From It? | Psychology Today

There's lots of good books about foreplay and getting in to the mood. Here's a selection:

Amazon.com: foreplay: Books

Best Wishes.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Enchantment said:


> Don't beat yourself up - it's not uncommon for women to not feel that immediate desire and need. I am much the same way. I have found, though, that the key is WILLINGNESS. I am willing to let my husband work to arouse me. Do some research on women's sexual response (google "Rosemary Basson") in order to understand you are just normal. Desire In Women: Does It Lead To Sex? Or Result From It? | Psychology Today
> 
> There's lots of good books about foreplay and getting in to the mood. Here's a selection:
> 
> ...


sounds like she has desire just not for her husband because he is a selfish lover.


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

Kathy121 said:


> How do I get him to slow down or how do I tell him what I works to turn me from "off" to "on" or even from "neutral" to "on" without hurting his feelings and moving us both to "off"?


Guys are simple creatures. If you spell things out and communicate directly, then you'll get what you ask.

Why not try role reversal, and you play the man and show him how he should approach you via foreplay? It'll be fun and a great way to communicate in a manner us simple cretins can understand.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Im not following this. Tell him what you want. Take his hand or his penis or whatnot and put it where you want it how you want it. Show him. What's so complicated about that?


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

heartsbreaking said:


> I would not do this even as an immediate need!! It risks (like you said) him relying on you getting yourself ready and he might then expect you to just be "on" and it also risks him feeling like he's not really needed to turn you on.
> 
> I agree with michzz about having a candid talk with him outside the bedroom and reading together.
> 
> ...


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

somehow I made my response look like part of heartsbreaking's quote. Sorry about that heartsbreaking. I don't know how I did that.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Stonewall said:


> somehow I made my response look like part of heartsbreaking's quote. Sorry about that heartsbreaking. I don't know how I did that.


Temporary threadjack alert:

It happened because you put [/QUOTE] after the end of your comment.


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## piqued (Mar 25, 2010)

michzz said:


> From his perspective you are being too complicated and deliberately trying to prevent intimacy.
> 
> From your perspective you've had enough of not being approached exactly how you want to be approached.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Perhaps order chinese and bring it up over dinner. Say you want him to **** you, you desire HIM, and you think about being together with him a lot. Then just be honest and say that your body takes more time, and requires more finesse, to be turned on than a quick kiss and suck, and that you want him to read this book about female arousal (that you just happen to have handy) because you really want him to **** your brains out!!!!!

If he gets offended by that supportive honesty then it's time for counseling. But, chances are he'll respond well.

Just don't ever bring it up while your in the bedroom or during any moments of intimacy. That only breeds performance anxiety in both of you.


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