# Need Help (Wife is unable to forgive me)



## Nonamehero (Nov 30, 2021)

hi everyone, here is my issue right now.
about 3 years ago, I started learning about investing and buying stocks.
when I first mentioned about stocks to my wife, she seemed iffy and skeptical about it.
I was still a beginner and learning too, so I didn't want to put extra stress into our relationship by keep talking about it.
so I dabbled into it and started learning. (without telling her)
and after awhile I actually made some money.

So this year I wanted to find a good time to tell my wife, and just in case (God forbid) something happens to me, she knows how to access it for herself and our son. But I was afraid too to tell her, since unsure how she might react.

and last week, she asked me about our saving and stuff, and why we don't have that much in the bank (I make pretty good salary, but as a family, we do spend a lot too, my wife family is rich, so her spending habit is not that good, but since I have manage to make enough money, and also able to be successful in my investment, I am ok with it, of course I am also worried about her knowing about all this investment, and make me spend it... I don't want to have no money for retirement and have to depend on her parent) Anyways the conversation got to the point my wife think I am having an affair and spending money on a mistress. So I pulled out the investment and showed her.

Her initial reaction was you kept all this from me... "I want a divorce" she was very angry.
I tried to calm her down, but it was no use.

After a few days, I got her to started talking, and I started explaining.
she was really hurt that she thinks I don't trust her, and that I tried to keep things from her. she said I broke her trust.
but most importantly my wife have insecurity issues (she thinks me having money will eventually lead to me dumping her in the future and find someone else, so consciously or subconsciously she is really afraid of me being rich, and she really doesn't care about money since her parents are rich)

anyways over the weekend, we went out with our son to a trip.
During the trip, she mentioned about the money a few times, I told her when we go back home, we can discuss this together and give her all the password of my accounts, and I apologized for this, and said I will keep her informed in the future of any financial decisions.
it was fairly normal, like we can still hold hands and stuff, but every time I tried to get intimate with her, she won't let me. (so no sex or kiss), she said she still cannot forgive me.
but during the day, we still act as a couple, so I tried to get intimate with her in the jacuzzi by trying to hug her, she pushed me away, and said I am testing her limit, if I try again, she will want a divorce, and that if I cant handle it, I cant go find someone else to have sex. 

at that point, I thought this was getting quite manipulative. (and she never did this to me before, either she is mad and we don't talk for a few days, and then make up, but never that she act normal but just withhold sex or intimacy from me)
the last 2 days, we still talk, but I keep my distance.

I think at this point, any attempt from me to try to talk to her about this is useless, since instead of trying to work it out with me, she is using sex as a weapon to punish me (which has completely mess up my body chemistry last couple days, lol, I had to use mediation and sleep aid to get myself a bit normal).


any advice would be helpful.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Just give her all your money and you *may* get laid. 
Alternatively try standing up for yourself.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Nonamehero said:


> hi everyone, here is my issue right now.
> about 3 years ago, I started learning about investing and buying stocks.
> when I first mentioned about stocks to my wife, she seemed iffy and skeptical about it.
> I was still a beginner and learning too, so I didn't want to put extra stress into our relationship by keep talking about it.
> ...


I think the best advice I can give you is women who feel like their life partner is keeping secrets won't feel sexy.

While it is expected to eventually get back to normal you don't seem to be concerned about how you hid this stuff from her only that you are missing sex. She's hurt. She's insecure as well. So she's insecure that if you don't need her money you might leave her and you hid the fact you have money. And is this trading account in both your names? Is the house? if the finances normally combined or separate? Because if it is normally combined but the investments are in your name only that is also problematic from a relationship / trust point.

You two need to do some more talking. You think giving her the passwords and presto bango problem solved. But you've shown the ability to hid this for a long time. That isn't going to be fixed by passwords.

You also expressed you hid it because she would spend it. Is that true? She was asking about retirement that doesn't sound like someone who spends without thought.


----------



## Extraextra (Nov 1, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> Just give her all your money and you *may* get laid.
> Alternatively try standing up for yourself.


But their money is shared ( or at least that’s how it sounds ) why does he get to unilaterally make decisions about things like investments 
If one partner is uncomfortable with an investment or not onboard it shouldn’t go ahead unless they have specifically agreed 
In what way should he ‘ stand up for himself ‘
What gives him the right to gamble ( and yes many people see investments as gambles ) with money that also belongs to her


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

My wife and I have avoided all of this hassle and quibbling over money because we have maintained separate bank accounts, investments, credit cards, 401k etc since Day One.

You would be wise to do the same as she cannot be trusted with money in her hands. 

She’s not mad and cutting you off from intimacy because you made investments without telling her. 

She’s mad because she wasn’t able to spend it. 

My solution would be to come up with a joint account to cover monthly house payments and bills that she contributes equally to and then separate all other accounts and cut her off from your accounts, investments and lines of credit. 

Then she can spend as much of daddy’s money as she wants and let him deal with her spending habits.


----------



## Angie?or… (Nov 15, 2021)

She doesn’t trust you. Rightly. Many women are repulsed sexually by a man they no longer feel safe with. Spend as many months trying to make it up and win back her trust as you did lying to her, and maybe some day she may feel the same about you again.


----------



## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Nonamehero said:


> I think at this point, any attempt from me to try to talk to her about this is useless, since instead of trying to work it out with me, she is using sex as a weapon to punish me (which has completely mess up my body chemistry last couple days, lol, I had to use mediation and sleep aid to get myself a bit normal).


@Nonamehero it's very good that you saw she is using sex as a weapon! so don't play that game with her!
However, you did make a mistake investing behind her back!
It's true if you are the provider and the one who is making the money you are the one calling the shot in regard to any financial investments/spending, but you should have told her that you made up your mind and you will start investing!
It really depends on your relationship dynamics, who is responsible for what!
For example, I make all the financial calls in my marriage, me and my wife in an agreement about it!

So first ask her what does she need to make things right!
She has to come up with something reasonable to redeem yourself!
If she is being *****y and unreasonable and tries to punish you and humiliate you, then you need to start the 180 plan on her (search 180) but carful, do the soft 180 not the infidelity one!!
Ask her if she meant what she said about you finding someone else to have sex, tell her because it's either her or someone else!

@Nonamehero do not negotiate with your wife on intimacy, I repeat, strong successful men don't negotiate on intimacy, so don't do it!
It's time to stand up for yourself, read @oldshirt reply!


----------



## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Stop trying so hard to appease her.


----------



## Extraextra (Nov 1, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> @Nonamehero it's very good that you saw she is using sex as a weapon! so don't play that game with her!
> However, you did make a mistake investing behind her back!
> It's true if you are the provider and the one who is making the money you are the one calling the shot in regard to any financial investments/spending, but you should have told her that you made up your mind and you will start investing!
> It really depends on your relationship dynamics, who is responsible for what!
> ...


Just because one person is making the income that DOESNT give them 100% control on how the money is spent or used . Say for example on partner is raising the children whilst the other brings in the income . The partner raising children has just as much say in how the money is spent 
Are you saying the person raising the children has all the say in how the children are raised , what school they go to abd any decision that involve the children and should just tell the father I’ve made my decision ?

attitudes that give more value to money making that raising children mysogynistic and sexist as it’s almost always women who end up raising the kids whilst the man gets to keep his job
No way the man gets all that control . In fact it’s considered financial abuse to do so


----------



## Nonamehero (Nov 30, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> @Nonamehero it's very good that you saw she is using sex as a weapon! so don't play that game with her!
> However, you did make a mistake investing behind her back!
> It's true if you are the provider and the one who is making the money you are the one calling the shot in regard to any financial investments/spending, but you should have told her that you made up your mind and you will start investing!
> It really depends on your relationship dynamics, who is responsible for what!
> ...


Thanks, that helps alot, I just skimmed through the 180 plan.








The 180


Several years ago, Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, introduced a concept to the world of infidelity that is designed to help you and your partner move forward in the healing of…




beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com





It is similar to what I was doing the past couple of days. 
but what is the difference between soft and infidelity?

During the Jacuzzi, I did ***** out and tried to cave to her (like ask her what can we do to move on from this), but she was dressed sexy in the bikini and whole day we been holding hands and still normal, so I was like let me try to give it a shot, immediately I realized from her reaction, I 100% confirmed she was still mad at me, and wanted to punish me, but at the same time she doesn't want me to stop my affection for her.

so I don't think I will initiate any discussion about this right now until she comes to me. (this is going to be hard too, since at any moment my body will try to trick me into thinking maybe I should ***** out and be completely beta and try to talk to my wife about this again)

but my logical side knows that betaing right now is only going to make it worse, at this point nothing I say will get through, her emotional side will subconsciously detect this betaness and bounce it off as me being a *****.


----------



## Extraextra (Nov 1, 2021)

Op do your wife an you keep seperate money and accounts ? Or do you have shared accounts and how old and who cares for the child? 
It is impossible to answer this without knowing what the agreement is between you


----------



## Nonamehero (Nov 30, 2021)

Nonamehero said:


> Thanks, that helps alot, I just skimmed through the 180 plan.
> 
> 
> 
> ...





oldshirt said:


> See my reply in Post #11 above.
> 
> Ask yourself, If they were both autonomous and financially independent adults, then why would she be mad he made legitimate investments?
> 
> ...


hi thanks for the analysis.

I agree with some of your points, though it is not as black and white.
I mean when we got married, we were young, at that point I was still immature.
My image of marriage was that I can share everything with my wife, life will be happy, we can talk about anything.
So I never prepared for a lot of the stuff you mentioned, like separate account.

and I never got her to be accountable for her finance or other stuff.
as time pass by, my perfect image of marriage was ruined.

my wife at the core is a good person.

looking back, our family background and some other stuff are not super compatible.
but as we grow together in the marriage, it is getting better.

Yes at my current age and knowledge, I would probably chose more carefully. But hindsight is 20/20
I am a traditional person, and we have a family together, and I don't want a divorce unless it is unavoidable.

My parents have a very good marriage until now (still not perfect), so in some ways I want to just spend my life with one person modeling after my parents.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Nonamehero said:


> but most importantly my wife have insecurity issues (she thinks me having money will eventually lead to me dumping her in the future and find someone else, so consciously or subconsciously she is really afraid of me being rich, and she really doesn't care about money since her parents are rich)


Why is this YOUR money? Can you explain that?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Whatonearth said:


> You are of course welcome to your opinion but I do not understand why yoh would report this post . It’s simply people who are discussing various opinions
> Is that not what this place is for


You misunderstood what @EleGirl wrote. @EleGirl is a Moderator and Site Administrator. @EleGirl did *not* report the post. If you read her post again you will see that the report was made by a member of the site. Not by @EleGirl.

The problem with people "simply discussing various opinions" is that this often results in massive threadjacks which often means the OP (Original Poster) feels ignored, marginalised and frustrated when other member chatter on and no in their thread about matters that have zero relevance to their question and their concerns.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

From here on out only reply directly to the OP's issues in this thread. Either give you support or don't post on this thread.

The thread jack is over. If you want to continue the discussion start a new thread and I'll move the entire thread jack to that thread.

EleGirl, Moderator, Site Administrator


----------



## Extraextra (Nov 1, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> You misunderstood what @EleGirl wrote. @EleGirl is a Moderator and Site Administrator. @EleGirl did *not* report the post. If you read her post again you will see that the report was made by a member of the site. Not by @EleGirl.
> 
> The problem with people "simply discussing various opinions" is that this often results in massive threadjacks which often means the OP (Original Poster) feels ignored, marginalised and frustrated when other member chatter on and no in their thread about matters that have zero relevance to their question and their concerns.


Ahhh yes understand . Apologies


----------



## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

There are two things going on here. First, you shouldn't be making financial decision without consulting your wife. Even if you are supposed to be leading financially in a relationship, your partner needs to be involved (even if they don't want to be). So, ..., slap on the wrist for that. 

The bigger issue, in my opinion, is your wife (a) spending too much money without a budget, and (b) not being or wanting to be involved in the finances. That just isn't going to work.

I've been married 22 years and, although I make the majority of the money and I pay the bills, I don't make any purchases or major decisions without consulting my wife. In fact, in our household, she actually makes 90% of the purchases (groceries, clothing, house contractors, cars, vacations, etc.). However, money is not spent and decisions are not made unless we are both on board.

So, ..., also, slap on the wrist for your wife.  You need to sit down with her and get a plan together.

I recommend Dave Ramsey (look him up). Whatever you do, don't spend more years in your current situation. Fix it now.


----------



## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Galabar01 said:


> There are two things going on here. First, you shouldn't be making financial decision without consulting your wife. Even if you are supposed to be leading financial in a relationship, your partner needs to be involved (even if they don't want to be). So, ..., slap on the wrist for that.
> 
> The bigger issue, in my opinion, is your wife (a) spending too much money without a budget, and (b) not being or wanting to be involved in the finances. That just isn't going to work.
> 
> ...


Also, two heads are better than one. She might become aware of an investment opportunity.
My mother had better investment sense than my father. She told him some ways he could have made money, and she was right. However, he didn't listen to her.

I think the issue here for me, is the exclusion of the wife. If he can exclude her from this, what else can he exclude her from?
I agree he should have had her involved and he could have also asked her for input so she wasn't left out.


----------



## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

If the root cause of her angst is a fear that you're going to leave then stop talking about the money. Stop apologizing for buying stocks and not telling her too. It's not helping.

Instead, in a confident, somewhat unapologetic way, start telling her how much you love her. How your life wouldn't be the same without her. Write her love letters. Demonstrate your desire for her in a way other than grabbing her like an octopus in the hot tub. 

Do that successfully and she'll stop thinking you hid money because your attention way waning. And hopefully she'll drop the sex manipulation on her own without you having to get manipulative yourself about it.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

So the root of all your problems is that you are not collaborating with your wife. It's not money, it's not sex. She wants you to be invested in her and you show that by the two of you teaming up on life. You don't do that by making unilateral monetary decisions. This is why she is insecure and why she thinks you might leave her, not because you will make a lot of money and not need her but because your actions show you are not invested in her as your partner. You are working solo. She doesn't feel a part of decisions you are making about your future. Now I think you are trying to make decisions about both of your future but you need to let her into the process. Frankly it's kind of a nice thing to have.

The way to fix this is to apologize first, and apologize stating exactly what I wrote above. I'm sorry, I should have tried to do this with you as a team. Then sit down with her and start to teach her what you have learned and why you are investing the way you are. Encourage her to become a part of that. Now either she will and that will be a good thing and she will work with you which will be good for your marriage, or she won't want to be bothered but then she can't be upset about it. 

Bottom line a good wife can be Robin to your Batman if you can develop a trusting relationship. Sometimes you can be Robin to her Batman too. That's how you do it if you want to have a good marriage. You both invest in each other as teammates.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> My wife and I have avoided all of this hassle and quibbling over money because we have maintained separate bank accounts, investments, credit cards, 401k etc since Day One.


We did that too... best decision ever. We have a joint account, but we use it for bills... we put the same amount of money into it.

Regarding the issue: the OP seems to underestimate the problem. Being lied to is not nice, and also keeping secrets. It erodes trust. The OP thinks it's a minor issue, but the problem are not the investments, but the fact they were secret. Thinking your wife is going to give you sex regardless is a typical man frame of mind. I did that too, after arguments. I thought they were minor, but they were minor only for me and I did not understand...


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

OP, your wife needs to understand that just because her parents have money NOW, that doesn't translate to a big inheritance for her. They may decide to spend their children's inheritance, they may need the money for long-term care or they may not really be all that flush (parents have been known to exaggerate their wealth). They may even to decide to leave the majority of their assets to the child who isn't banking on a windfall. 

It is always prudent to plan for your own retirement. You are adults and need to act like it.


----------



## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Sounds like what's hers is hers and what's yours is hers too. It's funny she was "iffy" about you investing, but she has no problem spending money. Funny how that works. What happens if she cleans you out? 

The fact her initial reaction was divorce should be a red flag. You might try to cover for her and say, oh she was just mad. People who aren't thinking about divorce, don't just throw that word around. Take that as a warning shot. The next one might be right between your eyes. 

You need to have money that she can't access, enough to live off of, cover rent/mortage, move out, etc...... I know some might disagree with that, but think about this. If she cleans out all the accounts and moves in with her rich parents, who is coming to save you? Spoiler alert....NOBODY.


----------



## Nonamehero (Nov 30, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> Why is this YOUR money? Can you explain that?


I never stated this is only my money, it is just that what my wife assume that, since I am the only one who earns a salary.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Nonamehero said:


> I never stated this is only my money, it is just that what my wife assume that, since I am the only one who earns a salary.


Or maybe she says it's your money because you're making money decisions without discussing them with her. (She might also feel insecure if she doesn't work. That is something she could fix...) Regardless of why you did it, even if you had solid reasons, what you did could very easily give her the impression that your money is your money and she has no voice in it. I'm not defending her irresponsible spending, I'm just trying to offer a different perspective on it. It's inconsistent to say "it's our money" and then lie/hide investments from her. 

If her spending and handling money is an issue (it sounds like it is) why can't you talk to her as though she were an adult and tell her that her spending is irresponsible and concerns you, and that the reason this happened isn't because you wanted to hurt her but because you don't feel like you can really talk to her about money and have her listen and take it seriously? A partnership takes two people, and from what you've posted, it sounds like she's not holding up her end of it. You're utilizing workarounds to protect you both, and if she's going to close her mind and ears to serious, adult conversations about finances then she doesn't really have a leg to stand on when you do what you have to do to protect your financial future. 

You may have already tried this. I just think that it helps when people talk to each other as though you are both sentient adults. If you tried and she acted like a child, you may have bigger problems than a secret investment.


----------



## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Nonamehero said:


> I never stated this is only my money, it is just that what my wife assume that, since I am the only one who earns a salary.


Why do you assume your wife assumes it's your money? Has she said so?

You're married. Marriage is a financial contract. There is no his or hers anymore. Doesn't matter who brings the paycheck home. Do you assume your children belong to her since she is the primary caregiver?


----------



## Nonamehero (Nov 30, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Or maybe she says it's your money because you're making money decisions without discussing them with her. (She might also feel insecure if she doesn't work. That is something she could fix...) Regardless of why you did it, even if you had solid reasons, what you did could very easily give her the impression that your money is your money and she has no voice in it. I'm not defending her irresponsible spending, I'm just trying to offer a different perspective on it. It's inconsistent to say "it's our money" and then lie/hide investments from her.
> 
> If her spending and handling money is an issue (it sounds like it is) why can't you talk to her as though she were an adult and tell her that her spending is irresponsible and concerns you, and that the reason this happened isn't because you wanted to hurt her but because you don't feel like you can really talk to her about money and have her listen and take it seriously? A partnership takes two people, and from what you've posted, it sounds like she's not holding up her end of it. You're utilizing workarounds to protect you both, and if she's going to close her mind and ears to serious, adult conversations about finances then she doesn't really have a leg to stand on when you do what you have to do to protect your financial future.
> 
> You may have already tried this. I just think that it helps when people talk to each other as though you are both sentient adults. If you tried and she acted like a child, you may have bigger problems than a secret investment.


yes we did talk yesterday.
she said we should find marriage counselling. 

which I think it is ok, though I am not sure how to find good counselling who might over complicated things.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Nonamehero said:


> yes we did talk yesterday.
> she said we should find marriage counselling.
> 
> which I think it is ok, though I am not sure how to find good counselling who might over complicated things.


I think counseling is a wonderful idea and a great step in the right direction. Not to threadjack, but one little bit of advice I've heard before about therapists: there is nothing wrong with changing therapists if you don't feel the one you pick is a good fit. You both need to feel comfortable. A lot of people worry that when they don't like their therapist it's because they're not being openminded or fair, but you need someone you both feel you can trust.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

If/since money is this critical and important to your wife - why doesn’t she start working and earn more money for her family?

its Odd…she wants you earning money and she wants full control? Or she wants to know about every dollar earned/spent/invested? Which is it?

why not outline with her what money is earned exactly where every penny goes?

she wants to know - I get that…but since money is that important to her - she hat isn’t SHE also earning more money for the family?

second part… why has money affected your sex life? I’d be asking her why! That’s not right - it’s manipulative and mean! That’s not loving behavior! She needs to explain why she seems to move to mean manipulation instead of solving her issue by earning more herself!


----------



## Nonamehero (Nov 30, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> If/since money is this critical and important to your wife - why doesn’t she start working and earn more money for her family?
> 
> its Odd…she wants you earning money and she wants full control? Or she wants to know about every dollar earned/spent/invested? Which is it?
> 
> ...


Money is not that important to her, that is the issue.
like her parents rise her up to not worry much about money.

yes it is a frustrating she is withholding sex, which she actual never done before for this long after an argument.
I do understand that this time, she feels more hurt that I didnt trust her and didnt treat her as my trusted partner on investment.

though her using intimacy or sex to punish me is a dangerous game.

But I did do something wrong, and she is more hurt by it than I would have been. So it is not like I can say to her you can't do this.

I guess the only thing I can say that it is unhealthy for us going forward.


----------



## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Nonamehero said:


> Money is not that important to her, that is the issue.
> like her parents rise her up to not worry much about money.
> 
> yes it is a frustrating she is withholding sex, which she actual never done before for this long after an argument.
> ...


I hope she'll come back from this as you build your trust with her again.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Nonamehero said:


> she was really hurt that she thinks I don't trust her, and that I tried to keep things from her. she said I broke her trust.


That is because you did break her trust. She trusted you to be honest with her. You lied. For an extended period of time. About something that affects you both. You broke trust.



Nonamehero said:


> importantly my wife have insecurity issues


Nice attempt to direct away from and minimize the fact that you broke trust.



Nonamehero said:


> I tried to get intimate with her in the jacuzzi by trying to hug her, she pushed me away, and said I am testing her limit, if I try again, she will want a divorce, and that if I cant handle it, I cant go find someone else to have sex.


You broke her trust and you expect her to have sex with you AFTER she told you to stop?



Nonamehero said:


> she is using sex as a weapon to punish me


That or she simply doesn't want to have sex with someone she can't trust. You know, like most people.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Nonamehero said:


> Money is not that important to her, that is the issue.
> like her parents rise her up to not worry much about money.
> 
> yes it is a frustrating she is withholding sex, which she actual never done before for this long after an argument.
> ...


Have you considered she isn't punishing you she simply is sexually excited by someone who has hid information and broken trust for 3 years?


----------



## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

If this happened to me, the question I would be asking myself as your wife would be "what else is he keeping from me?" The concern is probably that you keep things from her you think she wouldn't approve of to avoid conflict. But that pattern could go from financial to sexual infidelity. Just in general it isn't good when you keep things from your partner that you're supposed to be sharing.


----------



## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

OP I feel I should add, my XH had a finance background so I trusted him to handle our money in the way we had discussed. Turned out he was funnelling income from an asset I brought into the marriage to support his failing business instead of into a college savings account for our son. That was one of the breaking points of our marriage. It wasn't the only one. But I pretty much was mentally done after hearing that.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Nonamehero said:


> yes we did talk yesterday.
> she said we should find marriage counselling.


So now she wants marriage counseling. 

Who will be the one paying for that?


----------



## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> Have you considered she isn't punishing you she simply is sexually excited by someone who has hid information and broken trust for 3 years?


Now that's thinking outside the box.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Trident said:


> Now that's thinking outside the box.


 I see what you did there. 😉🤣😁


----------



## Nonamehero (Nov 30, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> So now she wants marriage counseling.
> 
> Who will be the one paying for that?


I am the only one who is earning salary.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Nonamehero said:


> I am the only one who is earning salary.


So the only money she has is what she gets from her parents. No wonder this made her feel insecure. If her parents cut her off, she's got nothing. She needs a job, not just so she can support herself, but so she can believe in herself and know she isn't helpless. It will help her self esteem immensely for her to know she can take care of herself, she'll feel more confident and she'll likely be a LOT happier.


----------



## Nonamehero (Nov 30, 2021)

MJJEAN said:


> That is because you did break her trust. She trusted you to be honest with her. You lied. For an extended period of time. About something that affects you both. You broke trust.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


hey I am a guy, if I see my wife half naked in a jacuzzi with me, of course I want to get intimate.

and we are all talking normal during the day, and she is ok hanging on my arms and holding hands.
but she wont let me kiss her or sex.

like she still wants my affection while feeling like she cant let me get off the hook.

I have apologized, and I know she still feel that it is hard to get over it.

I do understand it, but you cant expect me to be like hey baby I understand, lets not have sex for as long as you think you need. we are cool.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Nonamehero said:


> hey I am a guy, if I see my wife half naked in a jacuzzi with me, of course I want to get intimate.
> 
> and we are all talking normal during the day, and she is ok hanging on my arms and holding hands.
> but she wont let me kiss her or sex.
> ...


I'm editing this because I think it's a threadjack. I was trying to give insight into the wife's perspective and that's not the point of the thread.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> She's feeling insecure and betrayed. You basically lied to her and also told her she's not mature enough to handle money. She has NO idea what else you're lying to her about. But somehow she IS worthy of sex, I mean after all, she's... there... and no one else is around so you'll settle since she's the only option. Sexy, right? She could be thinking that you don't respect her as a person, you think she's an idiot, but you'll condescend to do her. For some women, sex is a lot about trust. You're assuming she's punishing you because there's no emotional component to sex for you. You saw a half naked woman and wanted to do her. But for her, it could be that sex is more emotional than that. It's harder for women to turn that off.
> 
> I'm not saying that it's right for her to permanently cut off sex. And I hear what you're saying about mixed signals. I'm trying to say it's possible you're misapplying motives, you're assuming she's doing this to hurt you and she may be just trying to protect herself.


Or could it be that she knows she can manipulate him through sex and so she dangles the carrot but doesn’t indulge him to teach him a lesson and get him back to catering to her and appeasing her? 

Could it be that she is annoyed at him for investing wisely and making some money that she could have been spending so this is her way of yanking on his collar to get him to heal and fetch and sit properly at her command? 

...... and if trust is so important for sex for women, then how are these bikers hooking up with chicks they just met at the bar and all these guys hooking up with chicks at frat parties and dance clubs and in the broom closet with coworkers at work or buff guys at the gym? 

Were those guys being transparent with their bank accounts and investments to establish trust?


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Nonamehero said:


> hey I am a guy, if I see my wife half naked in a jacuzzi with me, of course I want to get intimate.
> 
> and we are all talking normal during the day, and she is ok hanging on my arms and holding hands.
> but she wont let me kiss her or sex.
> ...


So no sex for sometime would be natural, forever not so much. Each person is going to be different. So how long has this been, cause it doesn’t seem long from your posts.


----------



## Nonamehero (Nov 30, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I'm not trying to be rude. I'm trying to give you some female perspective. Please don't take this as an insult, I do NOT mean it that way. I also do not know your wife, I'm a stranger on the internet, so, grain of salt and all.
> 
> She's feeling insecure and betrayed. You basically lied to her and also told her she's not mature enough to handle money. She has NO idea what else you're lying to her about. But somehow she IS worthy of sex, I mean after all, she's... there... and no one else is around so you'll settle since she's the only option. Sexy, right? She could be thinking that you don't respect her as a person, you think she's an idiot, but you'll condescend to do her. For some women, sex is a lot about trust. You're assuming she's punishing you because there's no emotional component to sex for you. You saw a half naked woman and wanted to do her. But for her, it could be that sex is more emotional than that. It's harder for women to turn that off.
> 
> ...


yah, no worried, no offense taken.
Thanks for sharing, I understand.

It is probably a mix of both, feeling hurt and wanting to punish me can coexist.
Sex is more physical for man than woman, but there is a lot of emotional aspect as well. It is a big part of how we express our love to our partner.

Anyways I am not demanding sex.
But just because I made a mistake, and it has been more than a week now, I am gonna suddenly become her gay friend and not escalate physical intimacy.

If I want this marriage to fail, yes maybe thats what I would do.
but I want it to work.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Nonamehero said:


> yah, no worried, no offense taken.
> Thanks for sharing, I understand.
> 
> *It is probably a mix of both, feeling hurt and wanting to punish me can coexist.*
> ...


Same thing here, I was way off topic. Sorry.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Nonamehero said:


> yah, no worried, no offense taken.
> Thanks for sharing, I understand.
> 
> It is probably a mix of both, feeling hurt and wanting to punish me can coexist.
> ...


So how long has it been since the last sex


----------



## Nonamehero (Nov 30, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> So how long has it been since the last sex


almost 2 weeks now.

the time length is not that big of deal for me because sometimes I can travel for business for that long.

but my partner denying me of intimacy messes my body chemistry up.

not sure if other man are like this.

my body become 10X more horny when this happens, and I need to try super hard to suppress it.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> and if trust is so important for sex for women, then how are these bikers hooking up with chicks they just met at the bar and all these guys hooking up with chicks at frat parties and dance clubs and in the broom closet with coworkers at work or buff guys at the gym?


I can answer that question. It is because the chicks WANT to have sex with the bikers and frat guys and buff guys..... and DO NOT WANT to have sex with those responsible, unselfish, good husbands and fathers they marry. 

With the bikers, frats, and buffs, the sex itself is the reward. With hubby, the trustworthiness and security is the reward.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I'm telling you, you are too focused on the particulars of the money and her problem is she feels you made a unilateral decision about your future without making her a part of it. Doesn't have to be money, and new rules about money isn't going to fix the disconnect. You need to show her you get this and fix the bond. You are not going to fix it if you start to talk to her about stocks and bonds. You need to show her that you get it and you are ready to make her your partner.

That being said, the sex thing is a red flag. After you do this if things don't change I would totally distance myself. The no sex thing is ******** if you are acting in good faith. Withholding to make a point just does damage to relationships, in the same way a guy yelling and putting his wife does. It's not being kind.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Nonamehero said:


> hey I am a guy, if I see my wife half naked in a jacuzzi with me, of course I want to get intimate.


Annnd? SHE doesn't want to get intimate. You know that. So why are you trying to have sex with someone you know doesn't want to have sex with you at the moment? Stop. It's rapey. She'll resume sex when she's ready.



Nonamehero said:


> and we are all talking normal during the day, and she is ok hanging on my arms and holding hands.
> but she wont let me kiss her or sex.


Lemme translate for you.

She doesn't want to cut off all affection, that's hard to come back from once it's habit, but she's also not comfortable being intimate with you right now, either.



Nonamehero said:


> I have apologized, and I know she still feel that it is hard to get over it.


Sometimes, my friend, apologies are simply inadequate.



Nonamehero said:


> I do understand it, but you cant expect me to be like hey baby I understand, lets not have sex for as long as you think you need. we are cool.


Umm, yeah, that's *exactly* what is expected of you. You don't pressure women into sex they don't want to have. Not even your wife.

ETA: Husband is on phone. He's a truck driver and I chat with him about forums posts sometimes to get his take.

Husband: I am les unsympathetic to you than my wife. You f'ed up. I know that your take on this seems correct to you. And, yes, lack of sex is messing with your body chemistry. But you're going to have to suck that up. You messed with her brain chemistry. Women rely on emotional connection and security. You f'ed that up. Imagine you're working on your car. During routine maintenance you break a critical component of the engine. You're not going to just jump in and drive it because you need a ride to work, are you? You made a mistake. Had you behaved correctly that wouldn't have happened. You have no one to blame but yourself. You'll have to fix what you broke before things can return to normal.


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Meh. I don’t tell my wife about anything I invest in unless it’s because it did really well, or really poorly so she can talk trash. If she wants money she asks for it and I give it to her.

Sometimes if I make a bunch of money on something I will tell her or she’ll find out when she does our taxes.

Has never complained about it because when she says, “I need X for this bill/trip/jewelry/investment.” I provide it. Not for small stuff, in the several thousand plus type of sum.

My checks get partially deposited into an account she controls that I have never asked about. I have never even looked at the balance. In theory I could walk into a bank and withdraw all the money; so nothing is hidden I just don’t care. All I hope to get from that is she doesn’t ask me for property tax money as tax paying is her chore.

Maybe some ideas to try in your situation?

BTW the withholding of sex is not good, you need to discuss it rationally and figure out a solution with her to the money issue. If she really feels it is a trust violation then ask her what she needs for you to demonstrate you trust and care about her but withholding as punishment you’re not going to tolerate.


----------



## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

@Nonamehero So she decides she wants a divorce just like that over her speculation without any proof and even after you showed her the investment?

I am actually thinking SHE is cheating on you, or at least wanting to. I can't imagine just out of the blue telling someone I want a divorce without having any kind of proof of wrongdoing. Seems she wanted out and was looking for any excuse.

Do you have any suspicions that she may be having an affair? Can she account for all of her time or is she engaging online with anyone? Her behavior here is very suspect.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I guess you just need to tell her you expect sex or you’ll divorce her, and if she wants a say in how money is spent she needs to get a job. This is something she will have to fix on her own.


----------



## Nonamehero (Nov 30, 2021)

drencrom said:


> @Nonamehero So she decides she wants a divorce just like that over her speculation without any proof and even after you showed her the investment?
> 
> I am actually thinking SHE is cheating on you, or at least wanting to. I can't imagine just out of the blue telling someone I want a divorce without having any kind of proof of wrongdoing. Seems she wanted out and was looking for any excuse.
> 
> Do you have any suspicions that she may be having an affair? Can she account for all of her time or is she engaging online with anyone? Her behavior here is very suspect.


yes this is a big issue in our relationship.
I know in her heart, my wife doesn't want a divorce, and in fact it is something she fears.
but every time we have an argument, she resort to saying this.
I think it is because her parents used to communicate like that before, (though they are still together)
I have told her this is not ok.
but it is hard to argue with her. And I am type of person who wants to avoid conflict.

and I am not really concerned about my wife having an affair that's just not the type of person she is. (although no one can be 100% sure, but I trust her in this aspect unless I am proven wrong) she is very conservative, I cant really imagine her ever being in a physical affair. And emotionally affair is not really possible too at this point.

when we first got married, she wasnt like this, over the years, she turn herself always into a victim.
I tried before earlier in marriage to communicate, but it was difficult, and back then my communication skills wasnt as mature, I would let her get me angry and we would go into a loop of argument.

over the year, my work is stressful too, so I dont have a lot of energy to deal with too much nonsense.

anyways I am definitely not right in hiding things from her, but there is a history.
I think it is probably healthy for us at this point to go through this, and try to sort it out.

I would probably be fine even if I get a divorce, since I am relatively young.
but again I love my wife and my family.
so divorce is the last thing I want, especially for our son, I would feel so guilty for him if he cannot grow up in a loving married family.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Nonamehero said:


> that's just not the type of person she is


That is what I call unrealistic, delusional thinking. I'm here to tell you what percentage of people on earth are the "type" of people who have a sinful and selfish nature, and that is 100%

There's also another 100% of us, those who think "my spouse wouldn't do that". BTDT. Guess what? It was MULTIPLE affairs that I found out about.



Nonamehero said:


> over the years, she turn herself always into a victim.


Yep. Any one of us who has been on this message board for any length of time can tell you that all adulterers are VICTIMS. They are victims of not enough sex, too much sex, their spouse doesn't treat them well, he's never home, she never cooks salmon for me, and yes, SIZE DOES MATTER, because my cheater said THAT was the reason she cheated, my dong was too small. Someone else, or some circumstance beyond their control, is the absolute primary thing which MAKES them cheat.....


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Well, the main mistake happened when she questioned your ideas about investing (thinking it might be iffy) and you didn't talk it through with her AT THAT TIME and just went on your own. Poor communication on your part, but also not that great that she instantly just shot down the idea completely. You should not have proceeded without discussing the plan and she should have been open to listening to you about it. You might be conflict avoidant, there might be a history of her shooting things down that made you that way, but regardless, you can't just go it on your own.

Now, does her creating a second problem by doing what she is doing help or hurt the situation? It is definitely hurting the situation.

I sure wouldn't chase her or go around begging for sex. That just makes you look weak, which further lowers your stock in her eyes.

I'm not sure if she is the type, but some spouses will take an opportunity like this to really justify some poor behavior, because you screwed up. It really depends on what her goal is, or if she has one.

You both need to explore the reasons this initially happened, and it is not 100% on you as there was a reason you didn't want to tell her about it, but you need to own what you did because it was not a team thing to just hide it for three years.

Somehow, you took a positive (investing and making money for the two of you) and it has turned into a big negative. Hopefully the two of you can see the big picture and not add insult to injury and make it worse.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Nonamehero said:


> yes this is a big issue in our relationship.
> I know in her heart, my wife doesn't want a divorce, and in fact it is something she fears.
> but every time we have an argument, she resort to saying this.
> 
> ...


These two statements are linked together. 

Do you see what is taking place here?

She has two primary means of controlling and manipulating you - Withholding sex and threats of divorce. 

She has weaponized sex and your own desire to stay married and maintain the family. 

She will use those weapons against you as long as you allow them to be effective forms of control over you.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Have you tried to have a conversation about being financially responsible? Lay it on the line and then apologize for not including her in the decision. The behavior she is exhibiting is exactly the reason you didn't include her. She is very immature. With her attitude toward money you will never be able to build anything with her.

I don't care how she was raised. She is married and is expected to have a modicum of common sense. You two need to prepare a budget and hold her to it. Take her off the checking account, limit credit cards to one which will be used for emergencies only and she gets no access to savings accounts. She can learn to be responsible with money. But, only if you insist. Once she has proven she can manage to stay within the budget, then you can loosen the reins.


----------



## Nonamehero (Nov 30, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> These two statements are linked together.
> 
> Do you see what is taking place here?
> 
> ...


yes, though she has never withhold sex like this before. 

threaten of divorce is something I need to take seriously with her.

this is something very annoying.
but it is not like I am seriously threatened by her.
when she does it, it is like a child throwing tantrum to me.
And currently I am at a point of my life, I can’t afford to be distracted by too much hassle (like divorce and stuff)

after this phase, I think I will be more serious and call her bluff and go through with it if needed.


----------

