# Confused about considering divorce, do I leave??



## guyinsocal (Feb 25, 2013)

I started hot & heavy when I was very young, first child at 21 and married my current wife at 22. 14 years later we have 3 kids, a house and 2 dogs. 

I have always been pasionate about bettering myself, my surroundings and my carrer...which has lead us to where we are now. My wife has always been the passive type, very dependant of her family and her father (he has $$) never having to have worked a real job. I have never asked for or received money from him, I like to earn what I have....her not so much. I am clean and neat and like to take care of my belongings, I've worked so hard to obtain them...her not so much.

I am in a tuff pickle, she is an awesome person, we get along great, hardly fight. Sex is good, we laugh all the time and can talk forever. But I am un-happy. When I get I home I become un-happy, the house is always dirty, the kids rooms are never kept, the car (which I bought for her, brand new) is always dirty, the interior is ruined and etc... Its these things that have been eating at me for years. She is lazy, the kids wake and feed themselves in the mornings for school, she will drop them off to come home to go back to sleep. I'll go to bed at 930 and she'll stay up till whenever watching the Kardashians and such (explaining why she's so tired during the day). I feel my kids following her lazyness and dirtyness trends and that concerns me.

We recently bought the house which was a fixer upper, I am very handy so after 70k and 2 years of everyday after work and every weekend the house transformed into our little dream home. And yet, she treats it like crap...I have to nag her to keep it clean to the point I just stop asking. I try to clean up when I'm home but then i get pissed as to why I'm doing it... I'm all about helping out but when she puts in 20% and I have to put in 80%, thats when I get upset.

I wonder often if i would be happier with someone who was cleaner, more abitious, was hard working and put time into their appearance. Am I being vain? irrational? I worry about the kids, as far as they can tell their parents get along great. I am not affectionate with her because the feelings are not there, but we do have sex...I guess its the primal urge to satisfy eachother. Although she does cook home made dinners almost every night, other than that its watching tv, on the internet or socializing with her family (shopping etc...)

I've made plea's to her in the past and there have been promises after promises. I've learned that she is the way she is and I cant change that. I dont know if I can accept that, do I force a way to accept it and be ok with her or do I leave?? Put it this way...if there were no kids I'd most likely leave...So confused...please help. Thanks.


----------



## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

Get a once a week maid. I had one from the time I was 21 until I got married at 31. For $40 a week I didnt have to dust, vacuum, clean the kitchen or bathroom. I was making good money and did not give a **** to waste my time on something so dull. get teh car detailed while you are at it. 

Or be pissed and let it ruin your marriage.


----------



## guyinsocal (Feb 25, 2013)

Mr Used To Know said:


> Get a once a week maid. I had one from the time I was 21 until I got married at 31. For $40 a week I didnt have to dust, vacuum, clean the kitchen or bathroom. I was making good money and did not give a **** to waste my time on something so dull. get teh car detailed while you are at it.
> 
> Or be pissed and let it ruin your marriage.


The way I spelled it out in this thread, I'm sure it seems as an easy fix. Its just years and years of pulling 80%+ of the weight in our relationship and I'm to the point of calling it quits. And yes, I have considered a maid and told her, she doesnt agree that one is needed. Maybe I'm just looking for an excuse to bounce...


----------



## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

FWIW many spouses that work outside the house feel this way and SAHMs resent it so Im with you but its not always true. 

OTOH many SAHM suffer from depression and need to get motivated. Bon bons, video games and tv can be very addicting and can get you stuck in a rut so Im still with you. 

Heres the bottom line. Somehow you have to help her snap out of it. She needs interests that get herout of the same four walls. Drag her ass with you to some new hobby you can do together and then get her signed up for some outside alone time or GNO stuff. 

You dont respect her. If you dont fix it, it will eat your marriage alive. The only way I see a fix here is for her to become a doer like you. Cleaning and the car dont interest her. Take care of that and help her discover somwthing that does. 

Bingo, golf, crafting, antiques, pottery, learning the harp, help her. 

While you are at it, tell her the truth the harsh truth and give her a chance to get off her azz. My wife woke my azz up with the harshest of truth about neglecting her and I got motivated very quickly and turned it all around to save the marriage


----------



## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Let me ask, is there another female who has caught your attention and you aren't sharing that information here? Most husbands will complain that they do not get any or enough sex. It looks like you are getting lots of sex and that is not an issue. You guys laugh together too which is great. Most guys would trade positions with you. 

It is not difficult to discipline the kids. Get the maid like it was advised, make sure the kids pick up after themselves, run the house and I bet your wife will follow suit. It would be really strange in the end if every member of the family was holding their own except your wife.


----------



## brightlight (Feb 18, 2013)

guyinsocal said:


> The way I spelled it out in this thread, I'm sure it seems as an easy fix. Its just years and years of pulling 80%+ of the weight in our relationship and *I'm to the point of calling it quits*. And yes, I have considered a maid and told her, she doesnt agree that one is needed. Maybe I'm just looking for an excuse to bounce...


Sorry if I missed something in your OP but have you told her how you feel? I don't mean nag her to clean up, I mean tell her how her laziness is affecting you and your thoughts about the marriage.

Might be all the wake up she needs.

You are getting sex and you laugh with each other. These are big tick boxes for most of us.

As for living with a cleaner person, maybe. But you have to first find one, and then after that what if the other things like sex don't go so well?


----------



## guyinsocal (Feb 25, 2013)

Mr Used To Know said:


> FWIW many spouses that work outside the house feel this way and SAHMs resent it so Im with you but its not always true.
> 
> OTOH many SAHM suffer from depression and need to get motivated. Bon bons, video games and tv can be very addicting and can get you stuck in a rut so Im still with you.
> 
> ...


Those are all great points and advice, beleive me, I've tried it. I've encouraged her to 'get a life', be more active, etc... I do take control of the house/kids because I need to, I'm not going to sit by and let my kids become pain in the asse's. I've also been honest with her...I've just come to the understanding that we are two different people...and thats ok, I just have to learn how to deal with those differences...its just hard sometimes, and my mind starts to wonder about leaving.


----------



## guyinsocal (Feb 25, 2013)

Alpha said:


> Let me ask, is there another female who has caught your attention and you aren't sharing that information here? Most husbands will complain that they do not get any or enough sex. It looks like you are getting lots of sex and that is not an issue. You guys laugh together too which is great. Most guys would trade positions with you.
> 
> It is not difficult to discipline the kids. Get the maid like it was advised, make sure the kids pick up after themselves, run the house and I bet your wife will follow suit. It would be really strange in the end if every member of the family was holding their own except your wife.


No other women have my attention, I wonder sometimes how I would react if I were approached or met someone, ya know? I do realize that in the big picture these may be small things to complain about, just after nearly 12 years of marriage my mind has begun to wonder, I'm just confused.


----------



## guyinsocal (Feb 25, 2013)

brightlight said:


> Sorry if I missed something in your OP but have you told her how you feel? I don't mean nag her to clean up, I mean tell her how her laziness is affecting you and your thoughts about the marriage.
> 
> Might be all the wake up she needs.
> 
> ...


She is aware of how I feel, her response has always been, "Why clean up if its just going to get dirty again" She may not know the extent of my feelings, that I'm starting to consider leaving over these feelings. Keep in mind, the cleaning thing is just 1 of the things that make me feel this way. I know laughing & sex are important, I guess in the grand scheme of it all, I am complaining about small potatoes. I just wonder "what if"....


----------



## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Hire a maid. Don't ask your wife to hire one. Problem solved. If you have an otherwise good woman, why would you want to trade that for one who may turn out to be a gold digger or cheater?


----------



## guyinsocal (Feb 25, 2013)

coffee4me said:


> The grass is not greener in most cases. You have a few issues with your wife. You will have a few issues with anyone you meet but throw in all the mess you cause with divorce and kids. That compounds the few issues.
> 
> The problem with thinking the grass is greener is you get less content with you life. But the bottom line is that your wife is not the one making you unhappy....you are. By thinking you be happier with a different life instead finding a compromise to make you and your wife happy in your marriage.


Yes, those words are heavy with truth. I guess i"ve focused to much on the things that bother me. No such thing as perfect, right? I believe I'm in a rut, one I must dig myself out of. I thank you and everyone on this post for the great words of advice and insight. I will work on my 'grass' instead of seeking what the neighbor has...


----------



## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

guyinsocal,
A divorce won't help your situation. You will be paying VERY HIGH alimony and child support. You WILL need that maid because you won't have time to clean working that over time to pay that support or else you go to JAIL. You will see your kids half the time if you are lucky and some other man will probably be raising your kids while you are busting your butt to pay your government mandated support payments. 

Still think the grass is greener on the other side?

Didn't think so, so absent infidelity in the marriage, change your mind about what bothers you and find other solutions unless you like DISSOMASTER to guide your future.


----------



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I think he needs to give his wife a serious ultimatum. Get off her azz or get out. I can totally understand how living with a slob and picking up after them constantly, day in day out, gets to you. I was a SAHM for 8 yrs before I went back to work and I did EVERYTHING. And I mean everything. He went to work and came home, ate the lovely meals I prepared, played his video games or facebook while ignoring me.

I felt totally taken advantage of. I swear I was busier being a SAHM than I am now working full time. Ironically, I work a demanding job and still do everything and I'm handling it fine. Only difference is I don;t have him making a huge mess and leaving it all to me to clean every day.

Now my STBXH is gone, my house is clean, tidy and in order and I like it that way.


----------



## brightlight (Feb 18, 2013)

guyinsocal said:


> She is aware of how I feel, her response has always been, "*Why clean up if its just going to get dirty again*" She may not know the extent of my feelings, that I'm starting to consider leaving over these feelings. Keep in mind, the cleaning thing is just 1 of the things that make me feel this way. I know laughing & sex are important, I guess in the grand scheme of it all, I am complaining about small potatoes. I just wonder "what if"....


I understand it's just one aspect but for me that's a big problem. You have to try to get it through to her that this is poor attitude. Demonstrate how this kind of thinking is ultimately unproductive for everyone.

I don't know how much nerve you have but why not let the place get really dirty and see if she reacts. Hopefully it won't back fire with either her still not noticing or you going nuts!

Seriously, that's a really childish take on things.


----------

