# why?



## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

seriously?

If I am every sort of vulgar insult you can possibly come up with in the worst possible ways..why on earth, does he need to contact me?

What is it about my uncharming, empty, bitter, cold, undeserving existence that he can't get over? 

he's sent his penis around the internet, he's "gone on dates" with other "hotter" girls, I'm selfish, self serving, godless, bad in bed, just make something up and add it to the list and it's probably been thrown at me..

Yet, if we go more than two weeks without talking, I get a text, or like today, 6 texts. It's pretty freaking simple, I'm pretty freaking clear on this. We don't get along, we aren't compatible, I don't do pity sex, and there's no point to our conversation. 

so why do I keep waking up to this, if you hate me? Why bother with me if I am SO undeserving? Why is it I can't go NC and carry on with my life, like you keep announcing you're doing, and how i need to and have that last?

Why are you prying around trying to find out anything I could have been doing? why does it matter? 

I left you, I "abandoned" you, I have no empathy for your feelings, I never appreciated the amazing man you were/are I'm just a selfish ungrateful *****, so what is it that is SO appealing about that, that makes you unable to leave me alone?! ugh!

my apologies, but I needed that rant. and perhaps, if he hadn't blown our bank account on drugs, I'd be able to afford a divorce, instead of having a pile of bills to pay off and no money to do it with.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Stop taking the bait. He wants you to. Discuss nothing but divorce and co-parenting issues with him. If you don't shut him down and set boundaries, you can expect more of the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I did shut him down. 

I just get frustrated with the immediate backlash thrown at me every time.

I either request he not talk to me, and deal with the barrage of insults, or ignore him and deal with the barrage of texts for days on end.

I'd call and have the number blocked, but with me trying to come up with funds and file things, I do still need information from him periodically. -.-

I just needed a rant.


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## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

I'm so sorry. What an incredibly frustrating thing to deal with!

He's said all there things out of anger and in an attempt to alleviate himself of guilt. Then he can't help but try and fish for info about what that amazing, smart, stunning woman who left his sorry butt is up to.

My ex has done the same sorts of things to me. All a huge game for him, I'm sure. Just remember you're so much better and deserving of more than that loser.

Just ignore it all unless is vitally important (I'm not sure whether you have kids or not).

Bottom line is, don't play his game. He isn't worth the time. You are. So keep on pushing ahead with your life and take care of you. Don't be sucked back into his bs.

Leave the fool to waste more money on calls and texts that go unanswered.

Be strong lady!


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I think that's what tweaks me. A lot of things are projection.

I can honestly and confidently say, I am ok with our past, I am happy that it's an experience I had in my life, I truly love him, and while it's sad things turned out to be the mess that they were, I wouldn't have traded it for anything. 

And I keep being told I'm bitter, Im not over it, I can't handle him being happy etc. 

The lack of logic and perspective is what kills me. I rarely rant about it. I think the stress of my ring case being re-opened, the things going on around the house lately, and general existing stressors just made me over flow.

i know I don't deserve any more of that, and I feel he doesn't deserve what we do to each other either. It's not healthy for anyone involved.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He probably saw a few shards of your self esteem that he'd missed and he wants to come back for them, too. You're trying to make sense of something a druggie does or says? On my police job, I've met Batman, Superman, Spiderman, Jesus Christ, the Devil, General Patton, Napoloean....you name it. They all have lots of very profound things to say.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> He probably saw a few shards of your self esteem that he'd missed and he wants to come back for them, too. You're trying to make sense of something a druggie does or says? On my police job, I've met Batman, Superman, Spiderman, Jesus Christ, the Devil, General Patton, Napoloean....you name it. They all have lots of very profound things to say.


ha, I just snorted my coffee, I can so relate to meeting those people too. 

I've even spent nights talking to the "other" version trying to talk sense into it before he really did damage to himself

that just cracked me up!


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

he hates the thought that you've moved on - mine's the same
he's the one that left, yet he's the one that's offended because I took at the wedding pictures down - what am I going to do, dufus, keep a shrine to a marriage that's been a lie for the past 6 years? Sit rending my garments and stroking a picture of your face all day?

azzhole


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

ha ha dolly mine wondered why i took the wedding pics down too. if you werent across the pond i swear we married the same man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

he's been back today with his game face on, being all business like and civil

seems to forget that I could always see through him like a pane of glass

he is genuinely expecting me to fall at his feet and wants to feel like I can't live without him. He doesn't want to come back, just hates the fact that I've moved on 

he really doesn't know me AT ALL


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

good for you dolly, you are so strong and an inspiration. i hope you are having a nice weekend
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

well I would be if it wasn't absolutely p*ssing with rain like it has been for the last 10 days!!!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Don't answer his calls. Hang up when he gets crude.

You have the power. You really do.


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Stop taking the bait. He wants you to. Discuss nothing but divorce and co-parenting issues with him. If you don't shut him down and set boundaries, you can expect more of the same.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: He reaches out when he needs your emotional support, a temporary and transient act to reach out for the sole purpose of meeting his needs. It’s a very sick cycle that drains and hurts. I know because I was in this cycle for too long. I loved him so much & put his happiness first when I should have known it was one sided. Foolish in love. You don't deserve any more pain. He doesn't deserve any more of your energy.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

yes, he does have some issues with crutching. I guess I feel bad for allowing myself to be his crutch for so long, and then removing it..

I more or less get frustrated at the logic and the insane turns and swings things take depending on what mood he's feeling at the time.

But, I believe that the brutality of reality is very important for a person to face and deal with themselves, so when someone runs from it, it really makes no sense to me.

He came into my job and apologized to me last night. I'm not sure what possessed him to come in, or what he thought might happen, but I guess he feels better having explained himself and run out the door, who knows?

I certainly don't. but thanks guys for reading my little purge of rawr about it


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What did you say when he showed up? Sounds like the guilt is weighing on him.

Still, do not give in. For someone to spend time giving you a barrage of insults and talking down to you, then showing up at your job with the "I am so sorry" look = Unstable.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

well, I rang him out for his one item. told him it was $8 even though it's less than $2 and he came out with how he was sorry, he didn't mean it like that, he's sure the guy he was talking to was just trying to make things seem that way, he didn't really think that gave a painful laugh, and left.

he is unstable, he doesn't know how to handle situations like he's been presented with, and he doesn't know what he wants, except that he doesn't want to be alone.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It's likely that his ego needs to have affirmation from you. Also there is a sense of possession, he needs to keep pissing on his territory, like a male cat. Just hit delete, don't give it much thought. None of it is about you in particular. It's about him. Even non-response is going to feed into his ego, he will think about you mustering up the strength to hit delete and ignore him, and how very difficult that must be for you (it doesn't need to be, but he will think about it like that...) He needs to keep bothering you so as to keep a part of himself alive. This is because he is weak and has a hole in his soul. Let it go. Just let it go. Don't fill it in any way, just delete.


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## Mrlonelyhearts (Apr 12, 2012)

He's gotta find a way to cope with his insecurities--apart from you. You gotta keep pushing him away so that he "gets it."


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

believe me I know about his issues. I also have my own for me to work on.

I was just really frustrated at the fact that he'd not only dug for information about me when he supposedly was moving on, but that what he got was false, thrown in my face, and then being lashed out at. 

and that it involved another person who is emotionally unstable puking all this nonsense out at him, after one of my friends having to tell him to just leave me alone.

two emotionally unstable men, neither of which I'm with, one of which I was never and would never be with, sharing all about me and then having it brought back to me is just frustrating as all get out.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

CLucas976 said:


> believe me I know about his issues. I also have my own for me to work on.
> 
> I was just really frustrated at the fact that he'd not only dug for information about me when he supposedly was moving on, but that what he got was false, thrown in my face, and then being lashed out at.
> 
> ...


For what it's worth, this has happened to me recently, and it wasn't even in an intimate relationship. Some woman had asked me not to talk to her any more, then she approached me about a week later because she wanted to say hi! Then she more or less stalked me during a social event, hovering near my groups and even taking someone away from a conversation with me by asking them to dance. Finally, she tried to strike up a conversation with me about my guy, who is in rehabilitation following a brain hemorrhage, I told her I didn't really want to discuss him, with her, and was surprised she wanted me to participate in a conversation with her after asking me not to talk to her...and then she suddenly lashed out at me saying that I had said something about her to another person (not spreading rumors, it was speculation, trying to figure out why she was spending so much time with my boyfriend that she had only knew casually through dance...) and she did this in the presence of other people, who were shocked at the verbal outlash towards me when I didn't want to talk to her. Honestly, the only reason she wanted to talk to me was to rubn it in that she's cozied up with his family (he didn't get along with them) and that she sees him more frequently than I do as a result. Good grief. She couldn't get at me because I put up a boundary saying I didn't want to talk, and when that didn't work 2 seconds later literally she went from 'conversational' to abuse. So it showed that her 'conversational' was really mean to be abusive and controlling. 

You know what? People are like this because they are truly messed up. No amount of learning how to deal with them is going to make them not messed up. They are just going to stay messed up. They use other people to play out their internal dramas. The key word is 'use'. 

Fortuantely for me, this woman ended up looking like an idiot in front of these other people, she compensated during dance class by being a show off. 

It's not the first time she's been passive agressive towards me. In fact, she asked me not to talk to her! Then it seems she can't get enough of me.

Monday I was at the grocery store shopping with my kids, didn't even notice her, would have walked right by. She needed to say, well, hello there, when she could have easily avoided my notice altogether. I was with my kids. She has no family, everyone she interacts with she puts herself in a position of servitude. The one time I tried to reach out to her, because she seemed down in the dumps, she lashed out at me, saying I misinterpreted her and somehow that made me a bad person. Yikes. 

The funny thing is that she had confided some stuff in my boyfriend and he had repeated it to me, of how she wasn't doing well, socially, etc. 

It's hard to stand your ground...but remember even if you are feeling shaky, you probably have more of a real thing going for you than people who treat you this way, and that's why they want to pick it apart. Don't let them. Keep turning to others for support. Stick to your truth.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

CLucas976 said:


> seriously?
> 
> If I am every sort of vulgar insult you can possibly come up with in the worst possible ways..why on earth, does he need to contact me?
> .


He's messing with you because he's confused and wants to make you feel bad because he's feeling bad. He wants to punish you. My stbxh did a lot of this, too, mixed in w telling me that I was the jerk for leaving (conveniently forgetting all his APs and insults of me) and it would tear me to pieces every time because I still love him and miss what I thought we had. I stopped replying. He stopped insulting me. And then. I missed even that, but in the absence have begun thinking more clearly. Somewhere deep inside, your ex knows that what he is saying to you is BS and he's just trying to get a reaction from you. Its just not the right kind of reaction and this game of insults fosters an unhealthy attachment. You know it, too. Don't take the bait unless you want to play the game.

Hang in there. This part is so hard. Be strong.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I've said that to him before too, in many a previous argument, that I was tired of being punished for leaving when he "understands" why I left in the first place. 

I understand him well enough to know how hard of a time he's having with this, and that I certainly can't fix it. Just gets frustrating. 

he's actually been hanging out with another girl, had her drive him to my store last night, and then asked me on a date while she sat in the car. giant wtf moment there, but as of lately, every day is a new wtf moment, so it only makes sense he'd add himself into the mix..oi.


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