# Miss him so muh



## susan1949 (Aug 12, 2011)

*Miss him so much*

Hello everyone

I am hoping that somebody will read my post and either be able to give me some advice, help me some how or just understand what I`m going threw.
I am 32 years old and my husband is 47 years old (48 next month) the big age gap has never been a problem to us as I have always been older than my years and he has always been younger than his. On the 30th June this year he came home from work and told me he was leaving me, We have been together for 13 years married for 5, his reason was he does not love me like he should?? We have a 15 year old son who is not biologically his but he has been his dad since our son was 18 months old. 
He has told me he has felt like this for about 15 months and spoke to his mum about 12 months ago which she has now confirmed. I had NO idea about this and it was a total shock.
He moved out the next day into a shared house with 6 other people, 1 bathroom & 1 kitchen, this might not sound weird to some people but my husband is very funny about sharing things with people, for example he would not even share a drink with me!!!! He scrubs the bathroom before he showers, cleans the toilet before he uses it and scrubs the kitchen before he cooks. This is just not him.
He had to change his job last year due to not being able to do manually work anymore so we have dropped our monthly income and money has been tight. But it is even tighter for him now. My husband is rubbish with money always has been.
He chased me for about 6 months before I agreed to date him, and has always adored me.
One thing I am struggling to understand is how he has been this last year, when he was suppose to not love me enough, ie Got my engagement ring mended as a surprise cost him £300.00 which he done extra shifts at work to pay for, he gave it to me a day early as he could not wait to give it to me as he was so excited this was 29th April this year. Beautiful birthday card, which in it he wrote lots of love on your birthday and forever, My birthday was 22nd June, he left me 8 days later!! Sent me a text saying I was the best wife ever this was end of May. I just dont understand, I have asked him about all of these times and all I get back is I was trying to get it back to how it was.
We are still talking and he is desperate to stay friends, he promises there is no one else and I am trying to remain friends because then I have not totally lost him. I have asked if he has any doubts and he says that a little but he knows what he is doing is right. 
I am just so confused and dont know what to do I miss him so much, he was the perfect husband and I`ve lost him.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I am very sorry you are going through this ordeal.

It seems like your husband suffers from obsessive compulsive disorder which may have played a part in his strange departure. Then again he could be very well lying to you about there not being someone else.

But in any case you can't force him to come back to you. And the more you chase after him, the more he'll runaway from you. So stop pursuing him - i.e. no calling him up - except for maters relating to your son - 
You must show him that as much as you love him, you are respecting his wishes by letting go of him and moving on with your life. Hard? of course it is but it just MAY cause him to rethink his decision, just don't expect it.


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## susan1949 (Aug 12, 2011)

Thanks for the post, 
I understand what your saying about letting him go but it is so hard, he wants to stay friends so he will text me "morning" and "night" not every day but most days. I feel if I dont reply he will get pissed off and thats the last thing I want.
He was a brilliant husband and my best friend and I feel so lost with out him.

He is texting an old girlfriend but has sworn on our sons life that nothing is going on and never will, she lives miles away and texts him as her marriage is abusive and her husband aint great but she would never leave him as she stays for the money and has 3 kids and does love him. I do feel this has not helped as it has given him something to do, something else to focus on and makes his nights go quicker. 
However it has made it 10 times worse for me.

He says he wishes he could still be in love with me and reckons out of 100% he still loves me 70%, but to him that is not enough. He misses all of my family and still wants to stay in contact with them. He hates thinking of me with anyone else but says he has no right to say anything about it, I just want him to care.
Anyway I have ranted on enough, again thanks for the post.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

So sorry you are in this spot,I have been there and just coming out (almost 5 months) I thought my H loved and needed me more than
he really did. But just know things that happen are destiny, and you can't fight it. but all goodbyes aren't gone forever. You two may find your way back to each other, but you may not. So be ready in any case. Read up on here about the 180 program and try to incorporate into your daily routine. No begging or pleading and not too much believing what they say. Know that you are not alone and this didn't only happen to you. This is life and we have to meet it and keep moving forward.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

That fact that he's texting a married woman who is sharing her marital problems with him is proof that he is engaged in an EA (emotional affair) and that he lied to you that there was no other woman in the picture. The fact that she's an old girlfriend is a huge red flag that means that he's probably reignited old feelings for her. This is totally unacceptable behavior for a married man.

Stop being a doormat to your unfaithful, cake eating husband. Inform him that you are not his backup or option #2 woman and that you cannot be friends with someone who stabs the most important in his life in the back. I'm certain that your 15 year old son would agree with me.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I'm in the same boat. Separated, and she wants to be "friends". I miss her like crazy sometimes too. I agree about his "friend" being an EA. My STBXW spends time online and on the phone with her "friend" also. I believe the "no contact except related to the kids" is the best route. It will absolutely rip your heart out to spend time with him and have fun. You get a little glimmer of hope of reconciliation. Then, he leaves and goes back to texting his "friend". 

I spent time with my STBXW last weekend, so I know. This week has been harder on me than the first week of the separation. We got along great with no fighting or anything. It looks like the two of you must be getting along with the morning and night texts, etc. But the more I think about it, it was just cake eating on her part. I believe that is the same with your husband. He can string both you and this other woman along. You are his "safety net". He'll keep you on the hook with the daily texting, etc. just in case this new EA doesn't work out. 

That's just how it looks to me. I see the similarities between your husband and my STBXW. The best thing is to emotionally detach. I am struggling with that daily, so I can't tell you just how.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

morituri said:


> That fact that he's texting a married woman who is sharing her marital problems with him is proof that he is engaged in an EA (emotional affair) and that he lied to you that there was no other woman in the picture. The fact that she's an old girlfriend is a huge red flag that means that he's probably reignited old feelings for her. This is totally unacceptable behavior for a married man.
> 
> Stop being a doormat to your unfaithful, cake eating husband. Inform him that you are not his backup or option #2 woman and that you cannot be friends with someone who stabs the most important in his life in the back. I'm certain that your 15 year old son would agree with me.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## susan1949 (Aug 12, 2011)

I think my problem is I just don't want to believe any of it. 
The ex he is texting he left her 20 years ago because he found another man in her wardrobe, and has always said that they never got on for the last 2 years of their 4 year relationship. I am the longest relationship he has ever had by years and also I am the only one he has stayed and told he is leaving, all the old girlfriends he would wait till they were out pack his bags and leave.
I really dont think anything is going on with them and I know alot of you will think I am a mug for thinking that but thats how I feel.
Does anyone think he may be having a Mid Life Crisis?


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## susan1949 (Aug 12, 2011)

And come someone please tell me what 180 is?


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

Don't want to hurt you more than you are but if you look at my posts my story is practically identical to yours.

My husband was all those things best friend etc We spent all our time together, people were jealous of our relationship. I was the longest relationship he'd ever had- before me 18 months was the longest. It was my 40th birthday a month and a half before he told me he no longer loved me and he bought me a beautiful necklace and a card to the best wife in the world his message made me cry it was so loving. We went out for my birthday with friends and he was attentive and caring and everyone commented on it.

BUT!!! a couple of months before an old girlfriend living 100s of miles away (from when he was 15) got in touch with him through facebook, her mother had just died and her husband was abusive and she was having a rough time and needed friends.....he told me about her quite openly. But you can guess what comes next, they used her mother's funeral to turn their EA into a PA. 

Don't be surprised if it turns out they are more than friends. Sorry.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

susan1949 said:


> And come someone please tell me what 180 is?


Click on the link below my signature.


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## Ticonderoga (Jul 21, 2011)

morituri said:


> That fact that he's texting a married woman who is sharing her marital problems with him is proof that he is engaged in an EA (emotional affair) and that he lied to you that there was no other woman in the picture. The fact that she's an old girlfriend is a huge red flag that means that he's probably reignited old feelings for her. This is totally unacceptable behavior for a married man.


 The EA card seems to get played a lot on this site. "Almost" anytime a married person talks to a member of the opposite sex it is claimed they are having an EA. To me this repeated claim is sometimes ridiculous and can actually be harmful to folks trying to figure out their relationship issues.


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## Yummy2011 (Jun 1, 2011)

@Ticonderoga, I understand what you're saying. It hard enough to go through a separation/divorce but then to hear that your SO is sharing intimate feelings and thoughts with someone of the opposite sex is devastating! And yes, these conversations can lead to more and then an emotional affair ensues because the SO is getting a need met even if it wasn't planned.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ticonderoga (Jul 21, 2011)

Yummy2011 said:


> @Ticonderoga, I understand what you're saying. It hard enough to go through a separation/divorce but then to hear that your SO is sharing intimate feelings and thoughts with someone of the opposite sex is devastating! And yes, these conversations can lead to more and then an emotional affair ensues because the SO is getting a need met even if it wasn't planned.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 If said person is going through a divorce why would it matter ?? Why is it bad to talk with someone of the opposite sex and just because you do it is an emotional affair ?? I just don't buy into that theory.....it has a one size fits all label.


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## Ticonderoga (Jul 21, 2011)

Susan1949 how are you doing....what is the latest ??


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Ticonderoga said:


> If said person is going through a divorce why would it matter ?? Why is it bad to talk with someone of the opposite sex and just because you do it is an emotional affair ?? I just don't buy into that theory.....it has a one size fits all label.


Unless the OP is in the medical field or a family member - 99% of the time it is an EA, but not all! And, it really doesn't matter if it is or isn't - it's what your SO feels that is important. If they don't feel comfortable, or are offended, then you should respect that and comply. It's a matter of respect, care, and love for your SO and their feelings.

If you really analyze this, you will understand that there is no other reason for your SO to ask you not to do that other than they feel hurt. So why do it unless you simply don't care about them. Whether they are hurt, or jealous, or uncomfortable, it DOES NOT MATTER - they feel disrespected. It's that simple! If you care, you won't do it.

BTW, I want to add to this post that after a lot of counseling and self analyzing, I have pinned down that the downfall of my marriage started 16 years ago when I asked my W not to keep going to lunch with her "guy" work friend by herself. I didn't mind if they would have gone with a group of coworkers, but I pleaded with her not to keep going to lunch alone with this guy. Her response was, well, he is just a friend. They ended up in a PA but it's OK because the damage to my image and self respect had already been done. Turns out they were discussing their fantasy lives together. Driving around looking at nice houses on their way to lunch thinking about how that is where they would live, blah, blah, blah. My bitterness and lack of affection started there.

The moral of that story is - if your SO asks you not to do something - don't be an A$$ and listen to them for God's sake! Well, that is if you care about your marriage; otherwise, this doesn't apply.


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## Yummy2011 (Jun 1, 2011)

That's exactly what I mean brighterlight! Its just a hurtful thing to endure on top of everything else, especially when one spouse still wants the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ticonderoga (Jul 21, 2011)

brighterlight - I believe you over looked my wording. I said if you were getting a DIVORCE why would it matter you were talking to a member of the opposite sex. The horse has let the barn at that point in time and both folks are going their seperate ways. 

I do agree if you are in the relationship/marriage and your significant other does not feel comfortable with your friendship you should stop and/or discuss it in detail. 

It does seem like the mindset on this site is if you have a friendship with a member of the opposite sex it is automatically an EA. I do not agree with that frame of thought.


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