# Hi...hoping someone can shed some light..



## Navyman61 (Nov 3, 2009)

I've been married for 5 years now...my wife was married once before. She has always told me that she "isn't that affectionate"...she likes to say that mushiness is "ick" and that she's not like that, but there have been many times that I've seen her be sentimental towards me etc.

I know there are a lot of issues from her past that come in to play with her keeping her emotions in check. There are weeks that will go by with no sex, then when it does happen, it will be explosive and frequent, then back to nothing for another 5 weeks or so.

I do little things all the time..I send flowers for no reason to her work, leave her notes (but I dont do it to excess so as not to wear it out..) and I know she appreciates it.


I know my wife fairly well and can tell when there is something wrong. Lately our texts back and forth have been short. She seems like she's putting on a front like everything is ok, but I know it isnt. I know to wait and maybe she'll tell me....but sometimes she doesn't. 

We have also had problems where men (old friends) will talk to her...next thing I see is a flurry of texting on the bill between two numbers...I find out what is going on, confront her, and she cuts off contact. 

She admits she likes the attention from them, but swears it wont go further. How can I be sure? It hurts because I cant even get that flirtatious text when I try..because its "ick"..but from someone else its ok?? I love my wife deeply, I love my family deeply. I am molded after my parents who dont give up on something, and I've told her that. You have to work at a marriage to make it work. 

I'm sorry I'm rambling...my thoughts are a mess...just needed a place to go and vent....thanks for listening...


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

See if you can see yourself in one or two of the following paragraphs:

Sexless Marriage?

This is an article I wrote some time ago, based on threads and people I chatted to on this site...


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## Navyman61 (Nov 3, 2009)

I dont know if I fall into any of the resentment categories. Being in the Navy and being gone a bit helps in that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" area...right now I'm home alot so perhaps its my being around too much.

I just want to know what it is that I'm lacking....EA's hurt...considering I dont do the same. I have female friends, but I've never gone there. 

It almost seems like a cycle..this will happen, then there will be great periods...almost like the manic thing you described, but without the manic.

I guess what really gets me is how she swears she is not an affectionate person...but I've seen it...I know it exists. I wonder why it almost seems "cool" to not show that side for her...what I mean by that is if friends are around..she'll make fun of the affection thing if its brought up...and in turn that kinda makes me mad (I wont show it) because I know its not true.


Very confusing to say the least....=\


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## joevn (Oct 23, 2009)

Love is an action, in addition to being an emotion. The emotion is the selfish part--it's inside and the other person doesn't feel or know it. It's only through actions (words/deeds) that the other knows someone loves him/her.

It seems your wife does feel the emotion part but does not commit herself 100% to putting in the hard work to translate it into action everyday.

Without constant watering and caring for the love tree, the emotion will eventually go away. Great marriages involve two people consciously deciding to make the other person happy everyday, every chance they get even if the other person's "love language" (Gary Chapman speak) is different from their own.

She needs to be making that decision and commitment to take actions that demonstrate to you that she loves and cares for you. Everyday.

You sound like a great guy but perhaps it's time to put your foot down and state your needs. Otherwise, you too are at risk from someone who comes along and match your needs for affection. Not today, not tomorrow, but may be 5, 10 years from now in a moment of frustration. 

We are humans after all.


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## Navyman61 (Nov 3, 2009)

things are a little better...perhaps it was a rough patch..beats me...still no sex, but she wants to have a child free day w/ me...so who knows..would be nice!


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## letitgo (Nov 3, 2009)

Maybe try something else to show her how much you care about her. As a wife (and mother) I know my H loves me and thinks Im beautiful but when he tells me that or does the same things to show me that he loves me it can lose its effect. Its like I know thats how he feels and its supose to be how he feels, theres got to be something different thrown in there to think wow I do mean the world to him. Getting a little attention from other guys can be a confidence booster in a way. It makes you feel like I still am beautiful and not just to my hubby who 'has' to think that. I hope that made sense

Having a kid free day sounds like a great idea for the two of you! Maybe you could plan something really special to show her just how much she means to you. Think back to when you first stared dating and try to rekindle those romantic feelings. I am not a touchy-feely-huggy person like you wife, I can be when the time is right. Try to make the timing right for her.. and maybe if you can get the bedroom fire started you two can figure out a way to keep it going, or at least maybe find a way to help pull her out of her no sex slump. 

Does she have any good female friends? If so encourage her to spend time with them, she might not open up to you about her problems but might with her gal pals and maybe they can help her figure out what wrong. This is hard cause I dont know what your socail life is like but I go thru stages like your wife and getting out and about does wonders (with out the kid(s) )


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## Navyman61 (Nov 3, 2009)

So..here we go again. All was ok for a while...then I find that PWs have been changed on mail accounts...but of course I have them because I'm not stupid.

I check one account and there are mails going again...so far fairly innocent, but still to the same jack*** that I already had a face to face with about this. He hasnt said anything that is flirtatious, but yet my wife has made little innuendos. 

I'm just waiting, and monitoring. If my sex life starts getting better (and this is sad...) then I'll start worrying, because it always seems that when something like this is going on, she feels better about herself and I reap the end benefit...but that is messed up.

I go back to sea duty in a bit...I want to go on deployments knowing I can trust...but its getting harder. The instant I see it going too far, going to confront again and tell her, not ask, that we are going to counseling. If this is just some "need" of hers to feel wanted, then stop ignoring what is right in front of you. GAH!


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Navyman61 said:


> I've been married for 5 years now...my wife was married once before. She has always told me that she "isn't that affectionate"...she likes to say that mushiness is "ick" and that she's not like that, but there have been many times that I've seen her be sentimental towards me etc.
> 
> I know there are a lot of issues from her past that come in to play with her keeping her emotions in check. There are weeks that will go by with no sex, then when it does happen, it will be explosive and frequent, then back to nothing for another 5 weeks or so.
> 
> ...


It sounds to me like she does not love you or in love with you, that she married out of desperation rather than love. Don't want to be harsh, but that is how it sounds to me.


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## Navyman61 (Nov 3, 2009)

Nope..its not that...there was no "desperation" that I recall posting about. Its just her inability to stay away from EA's which is the problem at the moment.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

How many times have you been through this cycle?
In other words, how many times has she ignored your request? 

You are dealing with the tip of the iceberg. I'm not insinuating that your wife is screwing around, but the behavior is setting a really bad precedent, and if it goes unchecked, things don't get better. They only get a whole lot worse. Are there kids involved?

Come up with a 'nuclear option'. You don't need to use it, but it's important that you have one - for your benefit.

She thinks what she is doing is harmless - and apparently she doesn't respect you enough to acknowledge that it's hurtful and dangerous. If she valued her marriage she would cut the sh!t and work on the relationship that counts.

I don't know how you would stay sane knowing this crap is going on during a deployment.


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