# Don't know what do do



## MrsB (Mar 7, 2009)

Hi all, I am new to the forum and very glad to have found it as I feel like I am going to lose it.

I have been married for nearly two years, with my husband for three. 

We met online, about four, four and a half years ago, on a common interest (not dating) site. We were both in srs relationships at the time and because of this and the fact that we had so much in common our relationship progressed as friends without any kind of expectation or pressure. 

After our respective relationships ended, our relationship progressed to a more intimate level online, and began to include chatting and phone calls. He lived about 3000 miles away, in Canada and we agreed we needed to meet soon because we did not want to continue the online thing if there was no chemistry in person and neither of us was interested in a prolonged long distance relationship.

We met in November, he came out for ten days for thanksgiving, then came back in december for xmas and never left. 

We married in April of 2007 and it's been a very difficult relationship. For starters, he suffered from depression, which i was unaware of. He had also dropped out of his phd program and had a lot of anger and resentment about that, as well as issues with his abusive father. these were all things that came out gradually.

I worked full time and he was not able to work initially due to immigration. During this period in our relationship, while he was home, it was difficult to get him to help with anything around the house. Things that would have been very helpful to me, like walking the dogs or doing laundry (so i didn't have to try and do it in the evening or on weekends when everyone else is)
were a constant struggle. For one thing he had never lived alone, having been in school for nearly ten years, whereas I was much more accustomed to independence. 

So he had no sense of responsibility when it came to running a house hold, if he did anything, like taking out the trash, he would then not take it out again, regardless of how full it got, because it was now "my turn" in spite of the fact that i commuted, worked full time, and was financially responsible for everything. 

We started therapy soon after our wedding and tings got a little better. we agreed that certain chores were designated as "his", and he did do them. These included walking the dogs, taking out the trash, and doing laundry. However, he would not do more than two loads at a time, so there was always dirty laundry and i still ended up doing it very often. I still paid all the bills, did all, and i mean all the errands, did all the cooking and cleaning related to the kitchen as well as anything like cleaning the bathroom, dusting etc. I make no claims to being the world's greatest housekeeper but if and when it got done, it was by me.

We stopped going to therapy for financial reasons, and also because we both felt our therapist, while nice, took sides (mine) during our sessions and neither of us wanted nor felt this was productive. As time progressed, he did get a little better about helping with the house, taking a little more initiative and that coupled with the fact that i just gave up made the situation at least tolerable.

Then in December of 08 i was laid off. However, he got his work permit in January and landed what is essentially his dream job and making an excellent salary with which he is easily able to support us. 

Initially, i was going to go back to school full time but his new job and my semester starting coincided and we only had one car. because everything was happening so quickly we didn't want to have to make any major decisions, like buying a car under pressure so we decided i would take a spring semester off so he could use my car and that i would stay home.

So I have basically been reduced from successful career woman to housewife. And our house has never looked better. I could never really clean properly when i was working because he was literally home when i was home all the time. Like i NEVER just had a few hours to clean in peace, or just to myself.

When i was working, i had to be at work at 8:00 am and i had a 45 minute commute, in rush hour, then a longer commute home, in rush hour. He does not even leave the house until 10:00 am, and there are days when he is home by 2 or 3. 

I don't mind doing everything, what i resent is his attitude. It feels like he's "getting back" at me, and not only does he literally do absolutely nothing, he seems to revel in it. It's almost like he goes out of his way to do as little as possible and to do it antagonistically. Like he really resented walking the dogs and now, even on the weekend if i sleep late, he will simply not take them out. Same with the garbage, or putting his dishes in the dishwasher. He just makes absolutely NO effort.

Like I said, i don't really mind the chores themselves, but I resent that someone for whom i have done everything, is now content to treat me like his maid. He is unwilling to discuss it, saying that he works more (he does not), and since he had to do everything (he didn't), when i was working the current situation is only fair. It's like he wants it to upset me.

I am so angry and i don't know how to deal with this. Any advice would be appreciated.


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## LucyInSC (Dec 23, 2008)

I don't blame you for being angry. He is being lazy and inconsiderate. But you have tried counseling and talking to him so what do you do? You either accept him as he is or keep telling him how you feel without attacking him. How is the rest of your marriage? Sex, common interests, communication, intimacy? Maybe this is a symptom of bigger issues between you.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

my advice - dont be the maid.
remind him what you did when you worked and he didnt.
buy a car for yourself and get out again.
ok financially i dont know your situation.
but you wil become independant again.
if it were me, id scrimp and save for my independence, to keep my independence.
i would try very hard not to have this important aspect taken from me.
i dont think your H is likely to change in the immediate future, because he now has a role back in society.
it doesnt really matter in his opinion what you did, because hes back on track and sees you only as the wife at home.


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## yazito (Apr 13, 2009)

I assume that you don't have any children yet so I would suggest for you to find a job. Once he realize that you don't really need him like he once did;you would become an equal to him instead of a burden he must walk over. I think he can't see the great person you are because he is just looking at all the things he is doing for you. Make him see you as an equal and he would realize that walking the dog is not too much to ask.


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