# Pregnant Fiance= No Bachelor Party?



## Engaged (Feb 16, 2010)

Well, I posted this earlier in the men's lounge and i haven't seen a response yet so I have decided to get a woman's perspective on this subject.

My Fiance, Christy, is a beautiful, caring woman but sometimes I feel that she can be a little controlling. She is a teacher and a very strict one at that but I find it a little demeaning when she treats me like one of them.

She is pregnant and HATES the idea of me having a bachelor party. Keep in mind that she is still having a bachelorette party. Her friends are going over to her mom's house and then going out to country western dance.

My first idea was to go to a bar with my friends but she doesn't want me at a bar because "she can't go get wasted at a bar with her friends and she doesn't think it's safe."

My second Idea was for my friends and I to go camping for the night. She shot me down on that too because she doesn't want me out of town while she's pregnant and it's just not fair. She's also afraid that my friends will convince me to go out to a club or something and doesn't like the idea of me staying out all night.

My third idea was to have the bachelor party at my Dad's house. She finally said OK but barely let me get away with that. 

I've seen these signs for a while now. It's not just the bachelor party but its everything. I can barely go to the grocery store without her. She finally let me go golfing for the first time in 4 months last Saturday! She is afraid that my friends will turn her against me or something. Either way, she is being very controlling and I would really like some advice on how to deal with it and maybe someone can tell me why she is acting that way.

Thanks


----------



## mujer_rota (Feb 10, 2010)

Her being controlling WILL NOT change after the wedding, in fact, it may get worse after the baby arrives. How is it fair that she gets to have a bach'ette party but you can't celebrate? Ridiculous. When's the wedding? Is her possessiveness the only thing you have a problem with?

(im from Houston! - high five)


----------



## Engaged (Feb 16, 2010)

The wedding is March 13th and I give her the benefit of the doubt because I love her and because I want her to relax while she's pregnant.
The possessiveness is pretty much the main thing I have a problem with. 

She also has a very difficult time getting over resentment. I'm trying to find a good counselor for us because she is clueless to how to overcome grudges and resentment.

Don't get me wrong. She is the most amazing woman I could ever hope for when she is happy which gives me hope. I just get so wrapped up into things that I feel like I'm starting to lose grip on reality.


----------



## mujer_rota (Feb 10, 2010)

Has it only been since she's pg? If she won't go to a counselor do some research on books for couples to read or just suggest some for her on overcoming resentment/grudges. There are many people on here who have book suggestions. 

How long were yall together before she got pg?

Does she hold resentment for someone else and just assumes you are just like them?


----------



## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

I find it quite fascinating that so many men talk about their girlfriends and wives in terms of what these women will "let them" do or not do. "She finally let me go golfing." "She won't let me go to a bar."

Seems to me that you are the one signing away your adulthood here, and that you are asking her to treat you as though you are a child, which she appears happy - or at least willing, anyway - to do.

People who complain about how controlling others are rarely seem to see that they are the ones who are submitting to others' control. Perhaps you should, as they say, "man up."


----------



## Engaged (Feb 16, 2010)

Let me rephrase those statements so that they become more clear.... She allowed me to go without her throwing a temper tantrum filled with crying and telling me that I don't care about her or the baby.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Oh, wow. As the mother of children let me say that the least sexy I have EVER felt is when I was pregnant. Just the sheer thought of my husband going out to a bar took at sexy, toned and gorgeous women would send me in to a tail spin and that was a convention for his work!! It was horrible for me, just horrible. Having said that, I never felt this way before I was pregnant. You have to ask yourself if her feelings have always been there or is this because of pregnancy?


----------



## dantanph (Feb 7, 2010)

Well, taking it from my own experience, I would say that somehow, I am like your future wife. My H would not get it when I tell him that I am like that because I love him. For me, I do that because I love him and that is the truth. I guess he just sees it the other way. I believe the same is true for your soon to be wife. 

I don't give tantrums, though. I silently cry inside me and just keep silent. I just don't like to argue. I say my piece and he heeds my requests, then, good. If not, I silently cry. But I guess he knows that I do that, that's why he heeds my requests. But no tantrums from me. That is the difference between me and your fiance'


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Engaged said:


> Let me rephrase those statements so that they become more clear.... She allowed me to go without her throwing a temper tantrum filled with crying and telling me that I don't care about her or the baby.


It will only get worse.

If you're going to marry, you have GOT to set some ground rules and get BOTH of you on board. 

This is ALL in your hands. You are CHOOSING to temper your behavior out of fear of HER behavior. That is not what a marriage is. Please don't get married before you resolve this. Better to have your child grow up never knowing you two together, than to watch you two fight for 10 years like cats and dogs - or worse, watch YOU turn into a milquetoast and her HATE you for it - and then tear up the home they know.

There's a book from www.bettermen.org called Hold Onto Your N.U.T.S. I recommend you get it and read it together. It talks about this stuff.


----------



## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Geez, i personally think they should make mixed parties before the weddings. It would save a lot of headache and it's only fair to celebrate together if you're getting married together.

But yes, i think your soon to be wife is somewhat controlling and insecure. End even if she is, she could at least tolerate you being away with the guys for your bachelor party. After all, it's just one freaking day. But yeah, i stand by my mixed party idea. It would make less people insecure and more people happy.


----------



## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

Here is my opinion, based on my first marriage. He was very controlling, and if I wanted to do anything without him, he freaked out. I gave up more and more to make him feel better and avoid arguments. Mistake! In hind sight, I should have dealt with the arugments and fought for my sense of self and not handed it over to him.

We all need our own time, space, and time with friends. It is better to have trust in a relationship rather than control. You need to get a handle on that now.

As for the batchelor party. That is an age old issue for the brides-to-be. Just look at the movies, and how guys joke about it.


----------



## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

scarletblue said:


> Here is my opinion, based on my first marriage. He was very controlling, and if I wanted to do anything without him, he freaked out. I gave up more and more to make him feel better and avoid arguments. Mistake! In hind sight, I should have dealt with the arugments and fought for my sense of self and not handed it over to him.
> 
> We all need our own time, space, and time with friends. It is better to have trust in a relationship rather than control. You need to get a handle on that now.


AMEN! AMEN! AMEN!

You can see from scarletblue's post how manipulative this kind of controlling behavior really is - the whole point of it is to get the other party to back down or give up. There you have a breeding ground for intense resentment.

Adults relate to each other as adults. My H travels a lot for his work, and when he's home for weekends or between trips, I really want him home with us. I also recognize that he needs time with his buddies and time with his hobbies - those are important parts of his life, and therefore our life, too.

We handle this by being in communication about who's doing what, when. There is no "permission" in our house, instead there are requests and promises, as in, "honey, I'd like us to do something special together this Sunday" and the like. 

Of course we argue from time to time, and of course there are times when I wish he were here more, just as there are times when he wishes I were more available for, say, doing the laundry. I think we both recognize that most, maybe all, of our arguments are trivial when compared to the commitment we've made to the life we're building together. That's a life that includes the separate pursuits we have that help to make us who we are.


----------



## Engaged (Feb 16, 2010)

All of you have really shed some light on this situation. I scheduled a counseling session yesterday after this post and I was able to get her to go with me because it was at our Church. I think we both realized a lot about ourselves so we have agreed to continue with counseling for the next 2-3 months.

I know that I have to stand my ground more firmly now but I also have to put thought into the decisions that I make. One of the problems I was having with standing by my decisions was because I wasn't sure whether I was making a good decision or not. I believe if I stay on the right path and lead her fairly with a spiritual mindset, things will get better. Thanks for all of your help.


----------



## mujer_rota (Feb 10, 2010)

This is good news! and a great start  I think I might want to do something like this with my H. Good luck with the future!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Engaged said:


> I know that I have to stand my ground more firmly now but I also have to put thought into the decisions that I make. One of the problems I was having with standing by my decisions was because I wasn't sure whether I was making a good decision or not. I believe if I stay on the right path and lead her fairly with a spiritual mindset, things will get better. Thanks for all of your help.


 Order that book I mentioned. It is specifically ABOUT that - what you should do for yourself, and what you should do for your marriage. It's pretty cheap, and a real quick read.


----------



## Engaged (Feb 16, 2010)

Thank you Turnera. I will do that.

Mujer- I went to a Christian counselor at a church and it was free on the first session and its only 30 dollars per session after that. I'm just saying, if you do decide to do that with your husband, make sure that you don't let anyone rip you off.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The bachelor party is a one time thing - so however it resolves it won't come up again. 

Is your fiancee giving you grief whenever you leave the apartment without her? I thought you said that in your other post. 

Because you do need to address THAT. And the way it should work is she should KNOW she is your highest priority in life by far. And you should know the same is true from her to you. 

Have you ever given her a reason not to trust you? 

Is the upset when you do things without her because she fears another woman/cheating or simply because she is just a clingy person by nature?



Engaged said:


> All of you have really shed some light on this situation. I scheduled a counseling session yesterday after this post and I was able to get her to go with me because it was at our Church. I think we both realized a lot about ourselves so we have agreed to continue with counseling for the next 2-3 months.
> 
> I know that I have to stand my ground more firmly now but I also have to put thought into the decisions that I make. One of the problems I was having with standing by my decisions was because I wasn't sure whether I was making a good decision or not. I believe if I stay on the right path and lead her fairly with a spiritual mindset, things will get better. Thanks for all of your help.


----------



## Engaged (Feb 16, 2010)

I know for a fact that she doesn't have any fear of me cheating on her because I am with her 24/7. When we were dating early on, I even spent a lot of time at her apartment and spending the night. On nights when I told her that I wasn't spending the night, there would always be some sort of issue.

There was one time when I lied to her early on in the relationship. I told her that I wasn't feeling well so she wouldn't pitch a fit if I stayed home that night and I went out to a bar with my friends. The next day, someone had tagged me on my facebook with a picture from that night. That caused some problems and since then, I have not given her a reason to distrust me. 

In fact, she will tell you or anyone that she does trust me BUT ____________. (fill in the blank with whatever she can justify it with)


----------



## mujer_rota (Feb 10, 2010)

turnera said:


> Order that book I mentioned. It is specifically ABOUT that - what you should do for yourself, and what you should do for your marriage. It's pretty cheap, and a real quick read.


Is there a similar Women's book, turnera?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No. It's a website for men, on how to be a better - and successfully happy - husband. The man who runs it is a counselor of sorts who holds men's conferences and such. Really cool place.

I guess if I had to recommend one book for women, it would be The Dance of Anger, because women tend to be Givers more than Men, and are raised to be more silent and not pitch a fit - but when they become such big Givers, they start building resentment and mess up their marriage and relationships. The book teaches you how to set healthy boundaries with all the people you love (not just husbands) while still reassuring them you love them. Awesome book.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Be careful here. I think you want to have some agreement regarding time management with your wife. I spend a ton of time with my wife - and love to do so. If she put pressure on me when I spent time with friends once a week that would not be acceptable. WAY too controlling. 

Also - with a very aggressive woman - it is fine to let her mostly run the show outside the bedroom - but you will BOTH be way happier if you run the show inside the bedroom. Read some BBW posts and some Atholk posts. Set this tone NOW - if you let it get away from you - hard to fix later....



Engaged said:


> I know for a fact that she doesn't have any fear of me cheating on her because I am with her 24/7. When we were dating early on, I even spent a lot of time at her apartment and spending the night. On nights when I told her that I wasn't spending the night, there would always be some sort of issue.
> 
> There was one time when I lied to her early on in the relationship. I told her that I wasn't feeling well so she wouldn't pitch a fit if I stayed home that night and I went out to a bar with my friends. The next day, someone had tagged me on my facebook with a picture from that night. That caused some problems and since then, I have not given her a reason to distrust me.
> 
> In fact, she will tell you or anyone that she does trust me BUT ____________. (fill in the blank with whatever she can justify it with)


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Very true! In fact, that's what that book talks about - the two of you sitting down and agreeing to how much time together and apart is acceptable, so that you don't have to give up having friends or time apart from her (nor does she), because that leads to resentment and lots of other problems.


----------



## mujer_rota (Feb 10, 2010)

thanks, turnera. I'll add it to my wishlist!


----------



## Engaged (Feb 16, 2010)

I ordered that book already and I will make sure that I bring up the time management in our next counseling session. I think it would be best if there were a mediator for that. I think it is particularly tough while she is pregnant though because she already feels left out of everything. She basically thinks her life is over for the next 6 months.

On the bright side, we are starting to get more involved in church and she mentioned yesterday that she wants to start attending some women's groups and think it would be beneficial for me to start attending some men's groups. If she starts getting more female companionship, I'm hoping this will allow her to start coming around.


----------



## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

Engaged said:


> I ordered that book already and I will make sure that I bring up the time management in our next counseling session. I think it would be best if there were a mediator for that. I think it is particularly tough while she is pregnant though because she already feels left out of everything. She basically thinks her life is over for the next 6 months.
> 
> On the bright side, we are starting to get more involved in church and she mentioned yesterday that she wants to start attending some women's groups and think it would be beneficial for me to start attending some men's groups. If she starts getting more female companionship, I'm hoping this will allow her to start coming around.


Hey, good for you for taking the lead!

Being pregnant is hard. Your compassion is well-placed. Trust yourself through this whole process. I'm glad to see you are moving in a good direction.:smthumbup:


----------



## mujer_rota (Feb 10, 2010)

if she thinks life is over while caring that baby, wait till it gets here. She should be enjoying the time she still has left to go where she pleases when she pleases. There will be times when she can't go somewhere at a certain time because it just isn't possible with the baby. Being a mother is a wonderful thing. I think it's the best job I'll ever have. So many sacrafices but there is no love like a mother's love for her child.


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Who the hell gets married while you're in the middle of counseling?!?!? THAT'S A RED FLAG PEOPLE.

Fathering your kid is one issue, marrying a screetchtard is another.

Go play a round of golf. Think about things.

And lets face it... most men's groups at church are actually feminized to hell. They sit, and talk about feelings, and hug, and emote. All it needs is cucumber sandwiches and nicely dressed dolls and you have the complete set. They are no place for a man.


Let the flaming begin!!


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> Read some BBW posts and some Atholk posts.


Thanks for the boost MEM11363. My posting here is becoming somewhat shorter as the majority of my writing is transfering to my blog where I can deal in greater depth and actually expand my entire approach.

TAM is still extremely valuable to me though.


----------



## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

Atholk said:


> And lets face it... most men's groups at church are actually feminized to hell. They sit, and talk about feelings, and hug, and emote. All it needs is cucumber sandwiches and nicely dressed dolls and you have the complete set. They are no place for a man.



Hahahahah!

Ladies, let's hear it: HURRAY FOR MEN WHO CAN STILL BE MEN.


----------



## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Mal74 said:


> Hahahahah!
> 
> Ladies, let's hear it: HURRAY FOR MEN WHO CAN STILL BE MEN.


Oh god, here we go again. Balance people. A rugged guy that chops wood with his teeth and doesn't show feelings ever isn't exactly the man you want to be with in this century. It's the guy you shag and dump. Not saying 'They sit, and talk about feelings, and hug, and emote' this exclusively is a viable alternative either. Generally, it's good for a guy to just be human. Maybe not as feeling-less and strong as our fathers were, but not a ballerina either. 



> I know for a fact that she doesn't have any fear of me cheating on her because I am with her 24/7.


Exactly because you're with her 24/7 she might fear that you're cheating at a bachelor party (where, you know...we saw in movies, heard from friends etc how guys get strippers and get drunk etc? lethal combination. Plus bachelour parties almost sound like you're mourning your freedom and trying to postpone 'future imprissonment' with just one woman, so it's somewhat insulting). 

Not to say she doesn't have issues with trust. She does. And there's this thing called self control where you might not be thrilled by a stripper riding your guy, but if that's what he wants, you understand he's free to do as he wishes. Oh well. 

I see the whole concept of bachelour or bachelorette party as wrong. I personally don't want to celebrate my last night alone. If i chose someone to marry it's because i love em and can't wait to spend more time with them. However, if before we'll get legally married my husband decides he wants a bachelor party, he'll just get 'have the best kinda fun out of me', whether i like it or not, because it's his choice and his time, and i respect that.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'd like to point out that just because you call it a bachelor party doesn't mean there's going to be strippers, sex, or even liquor. I went to my best friend's husband's party cos he had no other friends, and all we did was go to a restaurant. I've heard of other such stories. It's often really no more than just a tradition of doing 'something' because you're supposed to.


----------



## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Yes, it's true...most bachelor parties aren't about sex and strippers. But they could be...this is a secret a future husband could be keeping. This is why women who are more insecure hate bachelor parties, because they suspect the worst, and they figure their future husband isn't going to tell them about it. This is what i was trying to explain. THis is how some women see it and why they get so freaked out. Maybe the OP's wife might think like this too.


----------



## Engaged (Feb 16, 2010)

Nekko said:


> Exactly because you're with her 24/7 she might fear that you're cheating at a bachelor party (where, you know...we saw in movies, heard from friends etc how guys get strippers and get drunk etc? lethal combination. Plus bachelour parties almost sound like you're mourning your freedom and trying to postpone 'future imprissonment' with just one woman, so it's somewhat insulting).
> 
> Not to say she doesn't have issues with trust. She does. And there's this thing called self control where you might not be thrilled by a stripper riding your guy, but if that's what he wants, you understand he's free to do as he wishes. Oh well.
> 
> I see the whole concept of bachelour or bachelorette party as wrong. I personally don't want to celebrate my last night alone. If i chose someone to marry it's because i love em and can't wait to spend more time with them. However, if before we'll get legally married my husband decides he wants a bachelor party, he'll just get 'have the best kinda fun out of me', whether i like it or not, because it's his choice and his time, and i respect that.


She knows I'm not having strippers. I don't want to see any woman but my wife dancing around naked. Also, I know I make mistakes but I like to think that I am a man of decent moral standards.




Atholk said:


> And lets face it... most men's groups at church are actually feminized to hell. They sit, and talk about feelings, and hug, and emote. All it needs is cucumber sandwiches and nicely dressed dolls and you have the complete set. They are no place for a man.
> 
> 
> Let the flaming begin!!


This men's group is a Bible study full of Men that go on mission trips to places like Honduras to build homes, Africa to bring medicine and feed the hungry, and Iraq to spread the word of God to those who have lost hope. I don't consider them "feminized" or "flaming." I'll let them know that they should probably get rid of the cucumber sandwiches though... they wouldn't want any rumors being spread.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You aren't understanding the issue. It goes like this. You tell her/show her via actions that she is your number one priority in life. Such that you can look her in the eye and ask "do you question for a millisecond what is my number one priority in life?" 

And then - I am not going to allow you or anything to be my ONLY priority in life. I am going to spend X amount of time a week doing "fill in the blank" you only have two choices - you can be gracious about it or you can be miserable about it. But if you choose to try to make ME miserable about it, I will spend LESS time with you, less time at home. 

Being pregnant will just be the first in a never ending series of reasons that you must be a good little bittch or you are ruining her life. 

I LOVE my wife. I had plenty of girlfriends were easygoing would have said yes dear/no dear for a life time. But that wasn't what I wanted. Nope. One tough bittch. Total fireball physically and well - a couple months after we married I rented "The Taming of the Shrew" she laughed while we watched it. 

She reacted differently though when I spanked her - she became a lot easier to deal with out of bed when I totally dominated her in bed. Tough women want strong men. You roll over and the next thing you know you are going to get rationed to once a month sex. It may take a year or two to happen but it will happen. 




Engaged said:


> I ordered that book already and I will make sure that I bring up the time management in our next counseling session. I think it would be best if there were a mediator for that. I think it is particularly tough while she is pregnant though because she already feels left out of everything. She basically thinks her life is over for the next 6 months.
> 
> On the bright side, we are starting to get more involved in church and she mentioned yesterday that she wants to start attending some women's groups and think it would be beneficial for me to start attending some men's groups. If she starts getting more female companionship, I'm hoping this will allow her to start coming around.


----------



## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

Engaged said:


> This men's group is a Bible study full of Men that go on mission trips to places like Honduras to build homes, Africa to bring medicine and feed the hungry, and Iraq to spread the word of God to those who have lost hope. I don't consider them "feminized" or "flaming." I'll let them know that they should probably get rid of the cucumber sandwiches though... they wouldn't want any rumors being spread.


I love this. Men being men to me means being of service, being strong, being "of integrity," as they say. Naturally there is room for emotion, for connection, for intimacy in this... 

This extends to the marital realm, where men who are for all intents and purposes afraid of their wives end up, in my view, in a vicious circle of trying to please (or just trying to avoid conflict) and falling short, feeling badly about themselves, etc.

Too many women in my opinion manipulate their men into this kind of position and then sit around complaining about their men - believe me, I have plenty of girlfriends and we all get together regularly, and the things I hear really make me shake my head.

So, good for you for taking the lead and for taking the steps toward creating real partnership with your future wife.


----------



## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Engaged said:


> She knows I'm not having strippers. I don't want to see any woman but my wife dancing around naked. Also, I know I make mistakes but I like to think that I am a man of decent moral standards.


Ookay, in this case, she has no reason to be insecure at all or to refuse your time alone. Also in this case, what MEM said is quite right. Don't give in and let her control. You might be married but you remain an individual and you have the right to go spend some time with friends or have a bachelor party.


----------



## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Engaged said:


> pregnant though because she already feels left out of everything. She basically thinks her life is over for the next 6 months.


Six months?  Try the next decade at least. That's what kids do..they take up your time and money. I have two and love them to death but I love the fact that they can watch over themselves now and my husband and I have a life again. For many years we had to do things separately or not at all (We had no access to babysitters at all). This meant respecting each other and realizing that married couples aren't joined at the hip, sharing one brain. I had things I wanted and needed to do and so did he and we respected that and still do. 

I have to say, I see this situation ALL the time. It starts with the bachelor party, then it's the poker game, the golf game, the camping trip..It never ends. Before you know it, you never see your friends or do anything for yourself again. Maybe you want that? Some do but I sure as heck wouldn't. I would NEVER put up with someone trying to control every aspect of my life. I'd sooner be single for the rest of my life. 

I would NOT marry this person until you resolve these issues and your fiance understands that you are a separate INDIVIDUAL who has the right to enjoy doing stuff not only with her but with for yourself as well. I can tell you right now that you are looking at a marriage filled with misery and resentment if you don't. 

Giving in for the sake of avoiding her temper tantrums solves nothing in the long run but it does lead to a lot of pent up anger and resentment and all your child will see is day after day of angry shouting matches and fights. I know, because that's how my parents were..All because my father could never go out and play a round of golf without my mother making his life miserable. 

And you go out and HAVE a bachelor party. No matter WHAT kind of party you need to do it! Take a stand now before you sign that license or exchange vows. 

*shakes head* I don't know what it is with women and bachelor parties. If you can't trust your future husband enough to have a party, even if there is alcohol and a stripper, then why the heck do you marry him? I wouldn't marry a man I didn't trust. Heck, I HELPED my husband's friends plan his bachelor party and yes, there was drinking and a stripper. So what? He's gone to strip clubs with his friends too. I always found it amusing that his friends were horrified that I knew and always said "Don't tell my wife."

Come on ladies, you gotta treat your men like they are adults, not little boys and men, time to start acting like men and standing up for yourselves.


----------



## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Come on ladies, you gotta treat your men like they are adults, not little boys and men, time to start acting like men and standing up for yourselves.


Well put!


----------

