# Need some advice I am lost. LONG sorry



## jaawest (Dec 21, 2010)

Hi, 
I guess i need to start right from the start to give you all an understanding...
Me and a friend had a 1 night stand. 
I got pregnant and told him, he was great for a while but then disappeared. It was nearly due date and i finally convinced him that it would be a huge mistake if he missed the birth and he would regret it forever. 
He came to the birth and was very involved from then on, coming over with his family at least once a week to visit and even helping out financially. He was a bit uncertain so we did a dna test. It was definitely his baby.
He would stay the night in the the spare room a few times a week and was really a great dad.
When our daughter was 5 months old we got together and he basically moved in straight away. 
Things were pretty good. We got engaged about a year later.
But then a few months after that i found messages in his phone to an old ex girlfriend, he had been drinking at a friends that night before and when he came home slept on the couch which i thought was weird. I questioned him about it and he said that she contacted him begging him to be with her. I didn't believe him and kicked him out. 
I contacted her and she sent me all the messages that were sent between the 2 of them. He had started the conversation off, saying that he thought of her when we were together and that he loved her and could she handle him having a child to another girl. It was sickening, and i trembled all day. I'll never forget that feeling. 
He was still denying it at this stage until i started sending him some of the messages he sent her that night before. 
I packed his **** and he came and got them. 
He blamed getting drunk and blaa blaa blaa.
He would come over almost every day and bath our daughter and put her to bed. This was tough on me and eventually he convinced me to take him back. 
We went to couples counselling and about a year later i trusted him again and things were really great.
Then we decided to try for another baby. He said that becasue he wasn't there for me during the last preg he would like to stop drinking and smoking while i was preg and really be part of it, Great i thought. That lasted 6 weeks into the pregnancy. I was there when he had his first drink and he knew how upset i was about it, he still did it though.
He continued to let me down during the preg and i felt more alone than i did the first time. He lost his license drinking when i was about 4 months preg. He was a truck driver and i was so mad!!! He lost it for 2 years! I was really questioning my feelings towards him by this stage and was often left in tears.
Our son is now 10 months old and my feelings have gone. I am not attracted to him and i dont love him. He is VERY irresponsible with money and constantly thinks about himself and the moment. Not the big picture. He can be a horrible dad too but i know everyone is not perfect in that sense, but i often find myself having to defend our kids because he is being unreasonable or trying to give them cold showers because they are being naughty. 
I dont want to break my daughters heart by leaving him but i'm so sick of being un happy. 
He hurt his neck on a waterslide a year ago and has undergone two lots of surgery and needs another. this has made him depressed and i feel like he black mails me with it, like i'll kill myself if you leave, he hasn't said that exactly but he doesn't have too. 
Its just so hard i don't want to be with him but its going to take so much effort to leave. I don't know if he will actually go either. 
Would love some advice please... How do i do it? When? What do we do about the kids? I don't want to share them. that sucks.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

Let me summarize - he drinks, he is depressed, he cheats on you, he gives the kids cold showers, he blackmails you emotionally, threatens suicide. 

You've had couples counseling, he made promises he has not fulfilled.

Luckily you're not married, but unluckily you will need to get a court order for child support and supervised visits. Given what you have written I worry about him with the kids, they could be in physical or emotional danger. This is worse case, but you have to consider what could happen - do you want him driving them when he's drunk? Can he safely care for them?

You ask how do you split? I want to ask how can you have him around? How can you not split? 

He needs individual counseling, needs to attend AA meetings, needs an AA mentor, you need to attend Al-Anon meetings, and the children need him far less than you think. Drink may destroy him, it destroys a lot of people, it destroys families. 

Splitting won't be easy, you need to move on and provide a safe life for your kids. If my AA, Al-anon & social work friends are right he won't kill himself, he is crying out for help, you can point him in the right direction, he has to save himself, your job is to save yourself and your children.

Mark











jaawest said:


> Hi,
> I guess i need to start right from the start to give you all an understanding...
> Me and a friend had a 1 night stand.
> I got pregnant and told him, he was great for a while but then disappeared. It was nearly due date and i finally convinced him that it would be a huge mistake if he missed the birth and he would regret it forever.
> ...


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

ThinkTooMuch is right on target. This man is a mess and is in no condition to parent children on his own. Giving them cold showers for misbehavior? That is just sick and abusive. 

Please get a court order to protect yourself and the kids. His threats are very manipulative, and if he is really mentally ill, he will think that killing himself would punish YOU. Instead, that would actually just validate your decision to take action to protect yourself and the kids. It is so sad for the kids that their dad is such a mess, but if you keep them protected (not isolating him, just requiring supervised visits) and get them some counseling to understand 1. they cannot "save him" and 2. nothing he chooses to do is "their fault," they will learn to handle having a mentally ill parent. Lots of people do. Easy? Nope. Worth it? Yep. They'll learn valuable skills for life--setting boundaries, refusing to take responsibility for someone else's choices and actions. 

God bless and good luck.


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## jaawest (Dec 21, 2010)

I don't want to sound like i am defending him but have to clear a few things up... he doesn't drink every day but he does most weekends. Only gets drunk at nights when the kids are in bed though. He also seems to be pretty much over the depression side of things too now, he is on a whole a great day but can be unreasonable, unclear and unfair, plus the cold showers!!! AHHHH. I've made it VERY clear that he will never do that again! I know i need to leave him but i'm worried he'll want the kids 50% of the time which would break my heart. I don't know how to go about it either.
He badgers and manipulates me into staying with him, when ever i do say its over. I cant just up and leave as that would mean leaving everything behind and i have no where to go. How do i get him to go? how do i break his heart? which i know it will. i'm not a very strong person and just cant muster up the courage to do it. 
Should i go to counselling and let the counseller know everything and then get them to help me do it there? I'm out of my depth here. I really want to talk to my mum about it but she loves him and i wouldn't know where to start. I wish it was as easy as it was in high school. haha
Thanks so much for all of your advice.....


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

Jaawest,

You actually understand what you need to do, so I'll give you a push, see a counselor, or find a women's support organization. In some parts of the US you can call 211 and get help with divorce. Try googling 
divorce free support "my city"
This will get you started. Before you call make sure you have a box of tissues handy, you will need them. The person you reach has gone through this before, let them know what is happening. 

Divorce sucks but can be better than the alternatives.

Your mom loves you a lot more than she loves your h, call her, ask for her help, tell her what is happening. I did this when my first marriage was falling apart, I was reluctant, but my parents, especially my mom, were sources of strength.




jaawest said:


> I don't want to sound like i am defending him but have to clear a few things up... he doesn't drink every day but he does most weekends. Only gets drunk at nights when the kids are in bed though. He also seems to be pretty much over the depression side of things too now, he is on a whole a great day but can be unreasonable, unclear and unfair, plus the cold showers!!! AHHHH. I've made it VERY clear that he will never do that again! I know i need to leave him but i'm worried he'll want the kids 50% of the time which would break my heart. I don't know how to go about it either.
> He badgers and manipulates me into staying with him, when ever i do say its over. I cant just up and leave as that would mean leaving everything behind and i have no where to go. How do i get him to go? how do i break his heart? which i know it will. i'm not a very strong person and just cant muster up the courage to do it.
> Should i go to counselling and let the counseller know everything and then get them to help me do it there? I'm out of my depth here. I really want to talk to my mum about it but she loves him and i wouldn't know where to start. I wish it was as easy as it was in high school. haha
> Thanks so much for all of your advice.....


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## jaawest (Dec 21, 2010)

Thank you, I've found some places that do counselling free so will call up after Christmas. I cant wait to rid myself of his rules and controlling behavior but i am also worried about how hard it is going to financially. Because he's not working and on work cover payment which is not alot he wont be able to afford a place on his own. Just because i don't love him anymore doesn't mean i don't care about him. I guess i'm worried it will tip him over the edge. He loves his kids to death and they love him, it will be so hard to be apart from them. Because he doesn't work i'm also worried that he'll want the kids most of the time. This means more money for him. There are so many "ifs" which is making it hard for me to make the next step. I guess i can talk to the counseller about all this. But then that worries me too because when we did couples counselling they loved him! He has a way with words and people are drawn to him. It makes me feel insignificant like i'm the one causing the troubles at home. Its like they take his side. I just don't want to get there and them tell me i should stay with him or try and work it out. 
My head is such a mess.....


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## seagrovelady (Dec 23, 2010)

Don't settle for yourself or your child. Lose him.


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