# Staying in a sexless marriage??



## Pearls1 (Jan 24, 2013)

My DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for a little over a year. We have had sex issues from the very beginning, due to his ED. It is psychological and we tried counseling for a while, it was a condition of our getting married. He seemed to be trying at the time so we married, but as time went on it was obvious his heart was not in it and I called it quits. It was very expensive and not doing any good. There are porn issues. He looks at it every day. It is nothing particularly kinky, some of it I would even consider "soft porn", but it is an everyday thing. No evidence of any live chats or communication or anything like that (I do monitor closely). In the five years together we have had PIV sex maybe 3 times, and after our first year together have had other types of sexual interaction maybe 8 or ten times. We are affectionate with kissing, holding hands, etc. but he makes no effort to take it any farther. A few times I have tried to initiate, but he is not very receptive....even to a flat out offer for a bj. He has a prescription for Cialis, but doesn't use it.

I know everyone is thinking...wtf is she still doing there?, lol but I love him very much. I came from a previously abusive marriage. There was some phyiscal stuff, but mostly I was his emotional and verbal punching bag and after 20 years I was an emotional wreck with alot of issues. My current DH could not be farther from my ex in that regard, he is the most loving, supportive, nurturing man I have ever known....but in a manly sort of way, if that makes sense. In every way but the physical, he truly cherishes me.

I have never been particularly high drive, but I am not a nun either and it is breaking my heart to have to give up being desired and wanted. It really isn't even about the sex...it is about being wanted. 

Because of past issues, I have a very hard time expressing any dissatisfaction or complaint about anything. I simply do not know how to do it and frankly it scares me to even think about doing it...to the point of almost panic attacks. But I cannot live the rest of my life like this...any advice on how to approach my DH to let him know just how unhappy I am? I know that he is sensitive to the ED issue, but it would be nice to know he was at least trying.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Pearls1 said:


> ...any advice on how to approach my DH to let him know just how unhappy I am? I know that he is sensitive to the ED issue, but it would be nice to know he was at least trying.


I would leave the ED out of it. Just tell him that you refuse to accept the lack of intimacy. If he can't maintain an erection, he can do other things. Tell him that you expect him to try.

And he should probably give up the porn. I'm not as against porn as some. But if it's a problem, then it's a problem. If he's watching porn every day, but can't be bothered to show you any affection, then it's a problem.

But for your first conversation, I wouldn't bring up the porn or the ED. I would just tell him that he needs to show you some physical intimacy.

Good luck.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> I would leave the ED out of it. Just tell him that you refuse to accept the lack of intimacy. If he can't maintain an erection, he can do other things. Tell him that you expect him to try.


This. Having an ED is no excuse for him not wanting or desiring you. There are absolutely other things he can do.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Talk about the pendulum swinging...

Understandable how you could fall head over heals for the guy who avoids issues after being with the guy who confronts any and all issues. I kinda think avoidant behavior is more destructive in a relationship than confrontational behavior.

He does seem like a real gem in all other areas though :smthumbup:

Does he watch porn to try to get an erection? Does he wake up with morning wood? If he can get an erection in those circumstances I think you have to force the issue with ultimatums, IF this is important to you. Since he avoids issues, the only way you will make progress is by forcing progress. But you don't want to hurt him in the process, right? Sometimes it hurts to rip that bandaide off, but you know it's got to come off for healing to take place.

Explain to him that you NEED to feel desired and that means you need him to physically desire you. The past counseling wasn't effective because he wasn't working it. It only works if you work it. There is no magic saying that will effortlessly cure his reticence to deal with his ED. Avoiding this challenge will not make it go away. Does he WANT to be sexually functional? Or is he trying to build a life in which he doesn't have to deal with not being fully sexually functional? If he's watching porn, he hasn't completely walked away from being sexually functional.


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## Pearls1 (Jan 24, 2013)

Thank you Anon, I know you are right. But forcing stuff is very difficult for me. The closest I have come was insisting on counseling before we got married. I also know I gave up too soon because it was starting to feel hopeless.

I asked him flat out once if the thought he could live happily the rest of his life being celibate...he answered "I don't think so"...which was exactly the wrong answer, lol. I know the ED greatly embarsses him and part of it is that he doesn't want to start something he "can't finish". 

I know the right thing to do, I just need to get my nerve up to do it. I am just so discouraged right now because he really doesn't seem to have any motivation to change. What I resent the most is his willingness to deprive me in order to preserve his ego. I have tried to explain and all I get is "its not you, its me"...like that is supposed to make me feel better. I don't want to be married to someone who does not want to have sex with me (but is still interested in sex in general)....*I don't care what the reason is*. He either does not understand or does not care how much it hurts me and either way does not give much hope for things changing. 

I don't know about his erections with porn and he is usually up and out of bed well before me so I don't know about mornings either.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Pearls1 said:


> I know the right thing to do, I just need to get my nerve up to do it. I am just so discouraged right now because he really doesn't seem to have any motivation to change. What I resent the most is his willingness to deprive me in order to preserve his ego.


Well, in defense of your husband, you haven't been consistent in your communication with him. You may say that you won't accept a sexless marriage. However, your non-verbal communication (i.e., actions) tells him that you will accept it. So, he has conflicting messages from you and he picks the one that preserves his ego. As you said, his motivation is for the status quo.

You need to being your actions in line with your words to provide him with the motivation to change. He might surprise you.



Pearls1 said:


> He either does not understand or does not care how much it hurts me and either way does not give much hope for things changing.


For now, assume he doesn't understand. You can address that. Work on that and he might get it. There are many stories on this board of couples seething over misunderstanding for years.

Good luck.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Pearl my dear, I suspect you are not intentionally making excuses and maybe not even aware you sound like you are, but as hard as it is for you to force stuff it is even harder for him to deal with something so painful for a man. He seems so perfect but he's as human as you are. 

Take a deep breath and remind yourself that this challenge though highly personal and painful is common and not at all insurmountable. You don't climb mountains until you take steps. This is a mountain climbed by MANY couples and it is highly likely once a few steps have been taken the rest of the journey will be pleasant. It's just those first few steps....

Pick up the foot....

Come on, pick it up....


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Interesting. So you're drawn to abusive men. First the verbal now the neglectful. And both emotional. Do you think something from your past makes you choose these situations?


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## Pearls1 (Jan 24, 2013)

Thank all of you for your responses. I do know I am making excuses and I do know that my actions have not been consistent. I am trying to change that.

workingonme...the same thought has occurred to me. I don't that it something in my past or not, but there is a subtle, but definite similarity to the situations. In my DH's defense, however, he is not neglectful in any other way...quite the opposite in fact. I have seen an IC and this came up...I feel like I should be happy to have it as good as I do and feel guilty for expecting (needing?) more.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Interesting. So you're drawn to abusive men. First the verbal now the neglectful. And both emotional. Do you think something from your past makes you choose these situations?


Was thinking the same thing. Both abusive in their own ways. 



> I feel like I should be happy to have it as good as I do and feel guilty for expecting (needing?) more.


You've been conditioned to accept less than what you deserve. This is what people who have been abused do. We make excuses for people saying well at least he doesn't hit me or do drugs that we neglect to notice that we're still unhappy. And we feel guilty for having needs.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Abusive?

A man with ED avoids dealing with it. <--- Not Abusive at all. In fact, highly common.

A man with ED who not only avoids dealing with it but will not touch, kiss or even look at his wife in order to avoid dealing with it. <-- That's abusive neglect.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

He looks at porn everyday and they've only had other forms of intimacy 8-10 times in 5 years.

The porn really puzzles me. If you have ED why look at porn? Wonder if he's able to get off that way?


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## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

Married couples who love each other strive to please one another.
This means he's not in love with you. How can you be in love with someone who isn't in love with you back? 
If you divorce him I doubt you'll be lonely for long if you're the type of sexual woman you say you are. There's plenty of real stiff men out there looking for a real wife to have a real sexual marriage with. Trust me.


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## Pearls1 (Jan 24, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> He looks at porn everyday and they've only had other forms of intimacy 8-10 times in 5 years.
> 
> The porn really puzzles me. If you have ED why look at porn? Wonder if he's able to get off that way?


I don't know about an erection with the porn, but a few times in the past I have been able to bring him to orgasm with oral without an erection (or at least not much of one).


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## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

Pearls1 said:


> I don't know about an erection with the porn, but a few times in the past I have been able to bring him to orgasm with oral without an erection (or at least not much of one).


well yeah duh? porn desensitizes men from reality. He's a porn addict! 
he needs professional help. It's like crack.. he can't just quit it by himself. If he were to cut out porn for a while. and only think of your body ... I be he'd get hard.
The porn is a serious issue. The reason most men look at porn because their wives won't have anything to do with them. It's the opposite in your case. He has no respect for you at all. He's cheating on you. The other woman is the computer. And she lives in your house. You gotta stop her from stealing your husband... or divorce him. Your choice


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## Pearls1 (Jan 24, 2013)

Uncool,

I get that. We have had that discussion before and it keeps going back to the same thing...it isn't about me...it isn't about how much he loves me or not being attracted to me. So it shouldn't bother me. He sees it as "his problem" and refuses to see it as a relationship problem. He refuses to see it as something that effects me because if he did, then he would have to do something to change it. It is just easier to deny that it effects me.


So many problems with that, but the main one is the message that I get is that I shouldn't be hurt, I shouldn't feel neglected...that I am not entitled to feel that way that I feel.

I don't know how to get past that with him. I know it is a defense mechanism for him to minimize the effect on me.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Pearls1 said:


> He sees it as "his problem" and refuses to see it as a relationship problem.


I'm going to argue that he knows darn well it's a relationship problem. He understands English but by deflecting yes it lets him off the hook and he doesn't have to do anything.

Why should he? His life is fine just the way it is. Daily porn, nice wife, nice home, he's good.

Balls in your court.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Cancel your Internet. Cold turkey.


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## Pearls1 (Jan 24, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Cancel your Internet. Cold turkey.


It may come to that eventually, but in the meantime I just sent him a message that I wanted to talk tonight...just need to figure out how to approach now. Based on other discussions, I have a pretty good idea of how it is going to go. I just need to be firmer this time.

Thank all of you for your input. It has been good for me to get some perspective. Just discussing it outloud (kind of ), makes it seem less discouraging.


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## Pearls1 (Jan 24, 2013)

Well, we were able to talk last night. I am not sure how it went. He did not get defensive or angry and seemed genuinely remorseful that I have been feeling so hurt, I felt heard which was good. I told him I was not going to give him any kind of ultimatum. I just wanted him to understand how I felt and let him make a decision on what to do with that information. He was very subdued the rest of the evening. I guess now I just see how it goes.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Pearls1 said:


> I just wanted him to understand how I felt and let him make a decision on what to do with that information. He was very subdued the rest of the evening. I guess now I just see how it goes.


I wouldn't be too passive about the situation. Remember the inertia that you have built up. You both need to work to overcome that. Your husband may be thinking something along the lines of, "Well, she wants me to initiate, but if I do it now, it will seem forced. I should wait."

I would go ahead and make a move ASAP. Maybe let him know ahead of time. Text him so that he can pop a pill and get his head straight. If he makes an excuse, just say, "No excuses. We're doing something."


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> This. Having an ED is no excuse for him not wanting or desiring you. There are absolutely other things he can do.


Exactly. If ED was ever in the cards for me, I'd be more than happy to sexually satisfy my W in other ways while trying to overcome my ED. I'm guessing he is still sexual because of the porn, but doesn't have to worry about his performance when he is watching. 

Perhaps he would do well with sexual touch that won't lead to sex and slowly build up as he gains comfort and desire...

just a thought.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

pearls, so.... How did it go? Have you two communicated any more about his ED? Has he taken any steps to deal with it?


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