# Wife leaving, help please



## aesky (Jun 20, 2013)

I don't know where else to turn. I found this forum looking online for advice, any advice, and I read through a thread started by Unwind80 about three years ago. My story is much the same.

We have been together for 20 years, married for 12 of those. My wife is an absolutely wonderful person - giving, tender, loving. Everyone who meets her immediately falls in love with her. She devoted all of that to me for years. 

My family background and personal inclination made it difficult for me to say the simple words "I love you". Of course I did and I cherished her more than anything on earth, but it was difficult to mouth those words for some reason. I just loved basking in the warmth of her love. Or at least what I thought was her love.

And like Unwind, I tend to be critical. Sometimes it's just simple and obvious things, like emptying out a container before throwing it into the trash bin because when you take out the trash, it's likely to leak all over. It makes no sense to me to create irritation later by doing things that a second of foresight could avoid.

Anyway, that's much how my mother was. People call it nagging and I've known forever that I have inherited that trait. I don't necessarily like it but things just come out sometimes. 

In any event, over the past year or two my wife has been saying she's unhappy and even went to a counselor. She had a lot going on in her life - multiple jobs, activities, etc., and I just thought it was something that would pass. She tried to talk but for me, the relationship wasn't so bad. 

We both take care of ourselves - no smoking, regular exercise, etc., and when I come home from work or get up on weekends, I like to go for a run before it gets late. When I come home, she says I'm grumpy. Maybe. Because after a piece of fruit or something, I'm fine. 

The exercise was not to run marathons or anything, just to stay healthy. Didn't work. One hundred days ago I had a heart attack after coming home from my morning bike ride. Called 911 and within minutes the ambulance showed up and took me to the ER. They later told me I had only a few moments or I'd be dead. Said I was in good shape but genetically got dealt a bad hand. They called it an athlete's heart attack - otherwise healthy people have a sudden blockage and those are often fatal.

I spent the next few weeks trying to recover and thinking long and hard about how fragile life is, feeling melancholy that I almost checked out without having ever told the people closest to me how much I cared about them. 

I tried to show more affection to my wife, but somehow the magic words didn't come out. Then, as I recovered, we fell into our old ways. 

Exactly 90 days after my heart attack she told me that she wanted to divorce.

It was like an arrow in my heart. My initial reaction was, "OK, go." I never expected that she would. 

But she did. 

She had to go out of town for a few days anyway and said she would be staying with her friend who lived close to the airport. After three days of no contact I bought a ticket and flew out to see her. I was stunned and hurt and wanted her to know with complete clarity that I cared for her more than anything on earth.

She was surprised to see me, we hugged and snuggled and when I left 2 days later, she said she'd come back to our home when she returned in another day.

Then she didn't. Just sent a text telling me she wasn't coming home.

It's been like that for while now. 

She'll say she'll come back, she will, I'll pour my heart out, she'll cry and we'll embrace, and she'll promise that after work she'll be back. Then she won't call, won't text, won't give me any indication, but she won't show up.

Last night we spoke three times during the day. She told me multiple times "I love you." We made plans for dinner and the weekend and I was counting myself lucky for having a chance to reset our relationship. 

Then she didn't show up. I watched the sun set and the night fall and called her but she wouldn't answer. 

Another night of no sleep and tears. I'm big, strong, and whining like a baby. My heart is pounding in my chest and I feel as if it is about to burst. I can't bear the fact that the person I loved so much was so unhappy for so long - she says for years, and worse, that she was unhappy with me. Now she treats me with what amounts to contempt - she has never ever ever been rude to anyone in her life as far as I know, so the fact that she simply disdains our relationship so much she won't even call to say she's not showing up - that's out of character and deliberate and painful.

I don't know how to apologize and I don't know how to say I really didn't know how miserable she was even though she tried to tell me and I don't know how to promise to make life better because I don't think that people change fundamentally. I've told her all of those things over and over. And while people may not change fundamentally, the way their inclinations manifest themselves can be modified. I can in fact tell her how I feel. I can in fact give her a kiss first thing in the morning. Those are behavioral issues, not deep-seated and hard-wired characteristics. 

Sorry for the long post. I haven't slept in days and they're starting to ask at work if I'm OK. I made most of the same mistakes many others have made and I'm asking for anything that worked. I have little to offer this forum at this point, but maybe one day I will.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Are you sure she is not having an affair?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Your issue can be summed up in your own words:
"She tried to talk but for me the relationship wasn't so bad".
Translation: the relationship works for me so I don't care if you're happy or not, and I don't want to deal with it so I'll just hope it passes. You have spent a lot of years pushing your wife away and she doesn't view you as a trusted partner. What you do now is acknowledge these things, seek out IC for your own issues, and stop chasing her. She knows you want her back, and she is so accustomed to having to watch what she says that she can't even tell you she doesn't want to get together. That's why she makes plans and doesn't show up. Your response to her request for a divorce is indicative of a generally dismissive attitude. Get yourself in a better place and maybe she'll take notice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

aesky said:


> I don't know how to apologize and I don't know how to say I really didn't know how miserable she was even though she tried to tell me and I don't know how to promise to make life better because I don't think that people change fundamentally. I've told her all of those things over and over. And while people may not change fundamentally, the way their inclinations manifest themselves can be modified. I can in fact tell her how I feel. I can in fact give her a kiss first thing in the morning. Those are behavioral issues, not deep-seated and hard-wired characteristics.
> 
> Sorry for the long post. I haven't slept in days and they're starting to ask at work if I'm OK. I made most of the same mistakes many others have made and I'm asking for anything that worked. I have little to offer this forum at this point, but maybe one day I will.


Is she afraid of you? Could that be why she is "nice" when she sees you, makes promises to your face (that she doesn't keep) and tries to keep things "civil" between you yet continues to pursue Divorce?

From your post, it appears that you have the inability to apologize to her, to change your behavior or have considered the possibility that, in her opinion, it may be YOU that needs counseling. It seems like (and this would be from my understanding of HER position) that she has tried to make this marriage work, she has needs and you are unable or willing to meet her needs. Do you see that? 

If so, and you REALLY want to make this marriage work, you will need to do some serious damage control by really understanding her and putting forth the effort to be the person she needs for a husband, which may include immediate individual counseling for yourself and to be able to open up completely to your wife, to swallow you pride and to empathize with who she is inside. 

I sincerely hope that you use this time of separation to reflect upon what she truly needs from this marriage and your ability to meet those needs. I hope things work out for you.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> Your issue can be summed up in your own words:
> "She tried to talk but for me the relationship wasn't so bad".
> Translation: the relationship works for me so I don't care if you're happy or not, and I don't want to deal with it so I'll just hope it passes. You have spent a lot of years pushing your wife away and she doesn't view you as a trusted partner. What you do now is acknowledge these things, seek out IC for your own issues, and stop chasing her. She knows you want her back, and she is so accustomed to having to watch what she says that she can't even tell you she doesn't want to get together. That's why she makes plans and doesn't show up. Your response to her request for a divorce is indicative of a generally dismissive attitude. Get yourself in a better place and maybe she'll take notice.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

Stop chasing her and work on yourself.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

aesky, it sounds to me like your ongoing talks with her are proving that she's right... you're not going to change. I picked up on the same thing mentioned by lifeistooshort: your way is the only way that matters to you. 

You want to show that you can pour your heart out and suddenly win her back after years of treating her with criticism and aloofness, but it just doesn't work that way. Each time she tried to tell you how unhappy she was, you turned your back on her. Why should she believe you'll change now? If I was in her shoes, I'd be thinking, "He's just so used to getting his way that he can't stand not having it now. That's why he's acting so torn up over this." 

Your best opportunity for recovering is to step (and stay) outside your comfort zone. Ask her to take the lead - let her know that you will happily submit to her if she'll tell you what she needs to see, even if it means seeking counseling yourself. 

You've been married many years, and this is not going to be a cakewalk for her, either. If she *has* found another man, it will be easier for her, but even so, she's used to the life she had with you. If she can see that the familiar life can still be there for her without the negatives - criticism is a HUGE no-no! and with more positive regard and affection from you, she might return. There are simply no guarantees, though.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

First thing I'd do is check cell phone records for many calls and texts to one number. I'm always skeptical that there isn't another man in the picture when a wife suddenly wants a divorce.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Are you sure she is not having an affair?


That was my first thought as well. Something is drawing her away, and keeping her away from you. An affair makes sense as it would make her feel so guilty that she cannot return as she realizes her betrayal.

My second thought was that she has someone telling her not to come back- a friend, family member....

Still, it is really strange that she says she will but then doesn't.

Beyond that I really don't what to tell you. If the relationship is over, go through the greiving process but learn from this and next time share some love with your better half.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Stop chasing her and work on yourself.


This! Dont beg or guilt her back. Give her space. I wish would have listened. Now my wife is here but emotionaly distant and cold.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Cubby said:


> First thing I'd do is check cell phone records for many calls and texts to one number. I'm always skeptical that there isn't another man in the picture when a wife suddenly wants a divorce.


By the story the OP told here it doesn't sound like a sudden decision to me. It sounds like she tried over time to get him to hear her and she got to a breaking point.


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## aesky (Jun 20, 2013)

> From your post, it appears that you have the inability to apologize to her, to change your behavior or have considered the possibility that, in her opinion, it may be YOU that needs counseling. It seems like (and this would be from my understanding of HER position) that she has tried to make this marriage work, she has needs and you are unable or willing to meet her needs. Do you see that?
> 
> If so, and you REALLY want to make this marriage work, you will need to do some serious damage control by really understanding her and putting forth the effort to be the person she needs for a husband, which may include immediate individual counseling for yourself and to be able to open up completely to your wife, to swallow you pride and to empathize with who she is inside.


Of course you're right. In fact, just a few minutes ago, before reading any of these responses, I called a counselor. I'm trying to get an appointment now. It's something I would never have considered otherwise.

lifeistooshort - that is exactly right. It wasn't so bad for me so I couldn't understand how it could be so bad for her. She has larger emotional swings than I do in general, both up and down, so when I may have been slightly irritated, she was apparently seriously depressed. I found out she was even taking Prozac.

That was devastating to learn. 

And no, it's not my way that matters exclusively. I tend to be dismissive, that's correct, and I'm used to convincing people at work, wherever - it's what I do for a living. And I can be sarcastic which is why I got on well with her mother - she spent her life as a writer and is a brilliant wordsmith. 

But it's not correct that I'm only upset because I'm not getting my way now. Far from it. What hurts is knowing that my wife must have been as upset as I am now and that to a large degree, it was on account of me. I was an ass not to have seen that I was hurting the person who mattered so much to me. I don't know how to undo that but short of drugs, I'm willing to do whatever I need to do to show her that I'm serious. 

Survivor - you hit it. She did try. Because everything seemed OK to me, I didn't or couldn't realize how much she was trying. 

But I don't think she's afraid of me. God I hope she isn't. I could never raise a hand against her. I'm not violent in that way, nor am I uncontrolled in that way. I don't like losing control and that's partly why I guess I don't like to show emotion - I'm uncomfortable with the vulnerability.

Nor do I think she's seeing someone. Can't rule it out, but it would be extremely out of character - she devotes herself to her work to the exclusion of people. 

The only fear she expressed was that if she were around me, she'd promise things that she doesn't think she means or can follow through on. She came home early yesterday morning and we talked for an hour. The conversation started with her telling me she wanted a divorce because our marriage cannot be repaired - it ended with her agreeing to let me demonstrate to her that we can in fact work on it together. As part of that, I called her to see how her day was going and it was a nice, short, but tender conversation. Reassured, I called a few hours later I called to wish her good luck - hoping that she'd note I had remembered her big meeting in the afternoon. She said she'd come home afterwards and thanked me for the call. Didn't come and hasn't called since. 

I'll do what I need to do if only it will work. One thing I can do is start a project and work obsessively on it. If I need to learn how to do something I can't do now, it's not going to be a chore for me to throw myself into learning how to do it. 

Reading these threads it seems that one thing not to do is call or text her. So I won't if you all think non communication is a better approach than trying to communicate. I'm really at a loss and need to learn fast. The worst outcome of all would be for her to come back for a while and then to fall into old patterns and drive her away for good. I feel like this is my one and only chance. I got a second chance at life and maybe I'm just not lucky enough to also get a second chance at marriage, but I'll do what I can to try for one.

And thanks for your feedback, all of you.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

How old is she 39 or 40?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> By the story the OP told here it doesn't sound like a sudden decision to me. It sounds like she tried over time to get him to hear her and she got to a breaking point.


Maybe you're right, but checking phone records is easy to do and since it's a mystery at this point as to why she's leaving, he needs to start narrowing things down, which would include ruling out cheating.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Cubby said:


> Maybe you're right, but checking phone records is easy to do and since it's a mystery at this point as to why she's leaving, he needs to start narrowing things down, which would include ruling out cheating.


Work on yourself and rule out the cheating before anything else would be best.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, you need to stop pressuring her. All it is doing is making her feel guilty enough to say she will come back and then she doesn't. Give her space to miss you.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Cubby said:


> Maybe you're right, but checking phone records is easy to do and since it's a mystery at this point as to why she's leaving, he needs to start narrowing things down, which would include ruling out cheating.



Seriously? It's a mystery as to why she's leaving? Did you read his original post? From the OP himself: She tried to talk but for him the relationship wasn't so bad so he blew it off and figured it would pass. Not saying it's impossible that she has someone else but why she would leave is hardly a mystery.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aesky (Jun 20, 2013)

You are right. It was OK for me.

The thing I was not able to do was to imagine a completely different reality. If things were OK for me and I got upset about something, it was momentary and passed. But she lived in a different world where it was NOT OK and therefore things didn't pass but festered and added to her misery. 

Physically I tend to get hot easily. If the weather is over 65F, I start getting uncomfortably warm. OTOH, if the weather is under 75F, she is cold. I think our relationship was the same way - we reacted to the same things almost as if we were in different worlds. 

I would NEVER have allowed her to live that way had I any realization of what she felt was happening to her. But I can't feel cold at 75 degrees and in the same way was entirely clueless about the depth of her disappointment. So when she said she was unhappy, I took it as momentary disappointment, not deep-seated pain and resentment. 

Obviously I get it now and in retrospect it seems horribly selfish not to have listened more closely. I tried to cheer her with a few jokes rather than listen to what she was trying to say. Worse than the pain of losing her is the knowledge that I hurt her for so long - something that I did entirely unintentionally but all too consistently. 

As far as working on myself - I have no idea how to even start. That's exactly why I came to this forum. You guys are like a mirror and I'm not liking what I see in it. Kind of shocking and it must have been what she saw too.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Sorry to be the Debbie Downer here, but...dude, she's done. Take it from someone who has been there, done that, has two tshirts. She is being nice and making plans with you, then bailing, because she doesnt want to deal with the drama from you that her honesty brings out. She probably had planned to drop the D bomb right before your heart attack and stayed out of guilt when you were sick, I mean 90 days afterward? Too coincidental. I am not saying these things to be cruel, I am just letting you know what the reality is that you are most likely facing. So take your brush with death and get yourself a new lease on a new life, you can make yourself a better person so you can be a better partner to the next woman who comes into your life.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Seriously? It's a mystery as to why she's leaving? Did you read his original post? From the OP himself: She tried to talk but for him the relationship wasn't so bad so he blew it off and figured it would pass. Not saying it's impossible that she has someone else but why she would leave is hardly a mystery.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, I read the original post. And I've read countless other posts from all types of situations. One thing that seems to be a pattern in instances of infidelity is for the betrayed spouse to put blame on themselves when they find out their spouse wants to leave the marriage. 

I'm not saying her reason for leaving isn't as the OP says it is. What I'm saying is that the real story turns out to be different than the OP paints it too often to not do something that costs nothing and is easy to do. So again, check the phone records.

Edit: "Mystery" is probably the wrong choice of word. Makes it sound like the reason for leaving is a difficult one to figure out. But I stand by my advice to check phone records. Just to rule it out. It's so easy to do.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

It is quite possibly both.

She has someone AND the emotional side. The second does not excuse the first.

Ill put the PA percent at 40%. Unfortunately with her gone, most low level looking is not available to him and the high level stuff is expensive.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

You might consider printing out this thread and sharing it with her, talking and seeing what she thinks.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

aesky said:


> Last night we spoke three times during the day. She told me multiple times "I love you."



And did you say "I love you" also?

Or did you say "ditto"?


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## aesky (Jun 20, 2013)

It's a good point. Several years ago I would have said yeah, yeah, yeah.

This time I told her the same in no uncertain terms. 

I told her that she's the one I love most on this earth and that it would be a savage joke of the fates if I were to get my life back only to lose the one thing that I cherish most in that life. And I told her if there were a way to relive the past years, I would. 

I simply adore her and always have. And all of my friends and co-workers know that. It's only her I neglected to tell repeatedly. 

Did a cursory check of phone records and there's nothing. It's what I expected. When she met me, it was a surprise to her friends because they had thought she'd never have a relationship - she was completely devoted to her work. And in fact, she's the hardest worker I know. She's used that to avoid dealing with me. So she's now back to where she was when we met.

She's always done what she loved in life and I wanted to support her in that. So I had the "regular" job and let her do what she loved, and she's good at it. A few years ago I tried to do the same thing - follow my heart instead of a paycheck. It didn't work out as well as I hoped and I became depressed. 

She tried and tried to be the same wife, but I didn't feel like the same husband. Eventually I became the breadwinner again but she says by that time, she had reached a different emotional place. 

And then she hit early menopause. While she's in her late forties, she looks fifteen years younger and I'm sure that has something to do with her recent behavior and unhappiness. 

I really don't know how to deal with that and thought it was the reason for her mood swings and unhappiness. 

I would always hold her and comfort her when I saw she was distressed and feel like I should be doing that now. Since posting, I haven't tried to communicate and it's killing me.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Like I said. With her gone most low level snooping is unavailable.

Women often have a new man targeted before they leave the old one.

PIs are crazy expensive and PA percent I still feel is 40% so prolly a waste of money.

She could be using a burner phone. She sounds smart.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

I don't know if no contact is the best advice. She may think too little too late, but you have nothing to lose, and I don't see how backing off will make her want you more or miss you. If she needs space, maybe it's too soon for dinners and getting together, but I think daily affirmations of your love is something that she deserves. you need to woo her back and pull out all stops. maybe you need to mail her loving letters, or a thoughtful hall mark card, a daily text, maybe a daily apology. maybe keep her apprised of what's going on in your life - how you're going to counseling, what you've learned about yourself, how you will change. you've said a lot of nice beautiful things here. It's rare to read a post from someone who has caused the heartache vs. the one who can't take it anymore.

She sounds very special and from her proclamations of love to you (3 times in one call AFTER the separation) it sounds like there still may be a spark there. Now that she's finally made this painful decision to divorce you, which she's probably been thinking about for many many years, she can't just flip like a switch, but there must be something there that keeps her tied to you. 

I think time and proven change from you might make this right again. good luck.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

IsGirl3 said:


> I don't know if no contact is the best advice. She may think too little too late, but you have nothing to lose, and I don't see how backing off will make her want you more or miss you. If she needs space, maybe it's too soon for dinners and getting together, but I think daily affirmations of your love is something that she deserves. you need to woo her back and pull out all stops. maybe you need to mail her loving letters, or a thoughtful hall mark card, a daily text, maybe a daily apology. maybe keep her apprised of what's going on in your life - how you're going to counseling, what you've learned about yourself, how you will change. you've said a lot of nice beautiful things here. It's rare to read a post from someone who has caused the heartache vs. the one who can't take it anymore.
> 
> I think time and proven change from you might make this right again. good luck.


I disagree with this. This is exactly what he SHOULD NOT DO. It would only make him look weak and pathetic. No real woman wants weak and pathetic.


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## aesky (Jun 20, 2013)

That's why I'm torn. But my inclination is to do what Isgirl suggested, but she most definitely does not want weak and pathetic. She's a western girl originally. It's the one thing she always claimed to like about me back in the beginning. So how do I reconcile that?

I finally compromised and simply sent her a note telling her good-night. She replied "good night . . . I miss you". I didn't see it until this morning however, so I spent another night of hell. It cheered me up so I sent a "good morning, miss you" note. Got a response to that too, so for the past few hours I'm wondering what the balance is between overdoing it and just enough. 

Also talked to a friend last night, someone who went through the same thing 10 years ago. We never really talked much about it but he was willing now, so we did. In his case, there was another man, as many here have suggested. But he's still not over it. Life goes on of course, but he's still hurt. And he pointed out something that I've thought as well, which is that his wife, as well as mine, never REALLY communicated the depths of their unhappiness.

To say that I'm unhappy is rather meaningless unless there's some way to communicate the depths of that unhappiness. I'm unhappy that I spilled wine on my new shirt or I'm unhappy because I didn't get the project I wanted - those are ways of being unhappy. But "I'm so unhappy I am thinking about leaving you" - that's a whole different order of magnitude. Had my wife ever said that, it would most certainly have stopped me in my tracks. She thinks she suffered and I didn't pay attention but in fact I used to try cheering her up all the time, usually with a joke or something to make her laugh and change the subject. It always seemed to do the trick so I thought it was effective. How could I know that she was planning to leave months ago if I never heard that? 

Guys tend curse each other out and a while later joke together. That kind of rude affection doesn't work at all with women. I'm worried that if she ever does come back, every time she seems upset I'm going to ask if she's planning to leave again and that won't be a good pattern either.


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## aesky (Jun 20, 2013)

Oh and again, thanks for all of your feedback.


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