# First post structure for a BS



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Most of the times we see BS making threads that lack crucial information in their first posts. The result of that is a lot of time and comments are wasted on basic questions or wrong advice based on mistaken assumptions. 

Let us define a structure(or a checklist) that a BS can use to create his first post.


I'll post a few that come to my mind. Suggestions welcome.

*NOTICE: Edited List
*

1) You and your spouse's ages

2) Do you have kids ? If yes, Ages

3) Length of your relationship and length of the marriage ? Were you each other's firsts ?

4) D-Day or when was the affair was discovered ?

5) How did you find out ?

6) Have you confronted them yet about your discovery ?

7) How long was the affair going on ?

8) Identity of the Other Man/Woman your spouse was cheating with ? (Work colleague, family friend etc)

9) Is the OM / OW married or in a relationship ? 

10) (If applicable)Your cheating spouse's current stance on this situation. How did he/she react to you finding out ?

11) What do you want to do now ? 

12) What do the two of you do for work?

13) Describe the current state of your finances; is your wayward spouse at all financially dependent upon you?




OLD LIST
1) BS ages
2) Kids, ages
3) Length of the relationship, length of the marriage
4) Length of the affair
5) D-Day or when the affair was discovered by the BS
6) How did you find out ?
7) Identity of the OM/OW (Work colleague, family friend etc)
9) WS's current stance on the situation.
10) What do you want to do ?

Once we can finalize on the questions as a community, we can make it a sticky post.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

Is OM / OW married? or do they have a gf/bf? 
have you exposed the affair?


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

What are you doing? Discovery mode trying to find out what's going on, crushed and curled up in your room, trying to win them back, confronting, and so forth... 

Have you confronted yet? 

As my marriage councilor told us; His advice is only as good as the information and his understanding of us.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Most of the times we see BS making threads that lack crucial information in their first posts. The result of that is a lot of time and comments are wasted on basic questions or wrong advice based on mistaken assumptions.
> 
> Let us define a structure(or a checklist) that a BS can use to create his first post.
> 
> ...


I posted then realized mine were covered in your list. I'd reorganize it though. Start out with the important part (the betrayal questions). Then the supporting questions like ages, etc.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Were there clowns involved? (For troll posters only)


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Have you been tested for STDs?

Are you still being intimate with your WS?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Thundarr said:


> I posted then realized mine were covered in your list. I'd reorganize it though. Start out with the important part (the betrayal questions). Then the supporting questions like ages, etc.


The questions are intended to make the story clear for the people posting advice. The support happens in the replies

Imagine reading the first post of a new thread. Would you rather have the ages at the bottom or at the start ?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Racer said:


> What are you doing? Discovery mode trying to find out what's going on, crushed and curled up in your room, trying to win them back, confronting, and so forth...
> 
> Have you confronted yet?
> 
> As my marriage councilor told us; His advice is only as good as the information and his understanding of us.


This is a good one.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

michzz said:


> Have you been tested for STDs?
> 
> Are you still being intimate with your WS?


A very important question but do you necessarily need it in the first post by a BS ?


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Okay, sticky this already. This forum isn't built with forms. 

#9 and #10 will take some sussing out. Should specify R, D or Doormat.

#1 should be WS and BS ages


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Some insight into what the BS and WS each does for work wouldn't be a bad thing.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

warlock07 said:


> A very important question but do you necessarily need it in the first post by a BS ?


I wish I had seen such a thing. I'm very practical. Don't wish to be infected and was (fortunately have been cleared of them).

Figured it is nontrivial.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

How did BS and WS meet ? Did either cheat on a previous partner ?


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

#11 Beta / Alpha scale questions (for men)


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> Some insight into what the BS and WS each does for work wouldn't be a bad thing.


The infamous SAHD


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

warlock07 said:


> The infamous SAHD


Word. That poor guy.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

michzz said:


> I wish I had seen such a thing. I'm very practical. Don't wish to be infected and was (fortunately have been cleared of them).
> 
> Figured it is nontrivial.


It is non trivial. This should deinitely be added to the checklist of "Things to do when you find your SO cheating on you"


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

I think that the last question should be rephrased. Early on the BS likely has no clue about what they want to do. Most often folks posting here for the firsts time are in shock mode.

More importantly: will this do any good? I have seen too many posts that are just screams of pain. Asking folks to fill out a TAM interview form may scare them away.

Still, pinning a list might help later when folks here can refer the BS to the list for their second post rather than discussing detailed advice before the problem is even clear.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Rough prior relationship history - particularly if the BS and/or WS came into the marriage a virgin.

It does affect the advice to some degree.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Amplexor said:


> Were there clowns involved? (For troll posters only)












:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: Sorry, couldn't resist!

Btw, I think this thread is a great idea.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

While a standard form or suggestion list would help, you cant make it intimdating. Most people when they find TAM are either in shock mode or have gotten completely desperate because nothing they thought would work worked. 

Several of the questions Warlock has listed #4, #7, #10 they probably don’t have any real answers too depending on if they just found out or not. #2 while important doesn’t have anything to do with an affair.

Whether they have confronted the spouse or exposed I think an important question since so many BS will need to be prepared for the blameshifting, etc etc that typically goes along with confronting. It catches so many off guard. 

The story for most in the first post in the cwi is more a cry for help than anything, even in an online world just typing it out for people can be embarrassing/humiliating making it an interview may scare some away.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

We can make it a suggestion rather than a requirement.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I rephrased some of the questions and added a few more to the list. But i think the last 2 questions can be better. Suggestions welcome. Also, let me know if I missed any.


1) You and your spouse's ages
2) Do you have kids ? If yes, Ages
3) Length of your relationship and length of the marriage ? Were you each other's firsts ?
4) D-Day or when was the affair was discovered ?
5) How did you find out ?
6) How long was the affair going on ?
7) Identity of the Other Man/Woman your spouse was cheating with ? (Work colleague, family friend etc)
8) Is the OM / OW married or in a relationship ? 
9) (If applicable)Your cheating spouse's current stance on this situation. How did he/she react to you finding out ?
10) What do you want to do now ? 

*(The below two questions need to be phrased better. Suggestions welcome)

11) Do you work ? Does the cheating spouse work ?

12) What is the financial situation between the two of you like ? Does the cheating spouse need you financially ?*


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

warlock07 said:


> (The below two questions need to be phrased better. Suggestions welcome)
> 
> 11) Do you work ? Does the cheating spouse work ?
> 
> ...


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Thanks. Updated the original Post


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

2 things come to mind in addition to everything else posted:

1) Brevity- We don't need to know every single detail of your life before the affair. Just the who, what, when, where, and 'why' of the situation. The rest can be ferreted out on a need to know basis.

2) Paragraphs- Making your post actually readable without causing temporary blindness will go a long way in having people actually take the time to read it.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Most of the times we see BS making threads that lack crucial information in their first posts. The result of that is a lot of time and comments are wasted on basic questions or wrong advice based on mistaken assumptions.
> 
> Let us define a structure(or a checklist) that a BS can use to create his first post.
> 
> ...


Anything in the list that your think is un-necessary ?


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

plz suggest using paragraphs


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

cool12 said:


> plz suggest using paragraphs


OMG yes! Also, just thought of another question...

_Are you a troll?_


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