# Marrying for financial security at 55 - but don’t love him



## Seagirl

Hello I’m feeling very lost… My husband died six years ago and I am exhausted single parent of two… There is a man who loves me deeply and wants to take care of me for the rest of my life… I am 55 years old… I’m too tired to date and so sick of working so hard to barely make ends meet.
Problem is I dont love him and am not attracted to him at all - almost repulsed actually. I break up with him and come crawling back when I hit financial stress again. I am tortured with this wondering if I can make it work somehow someway. He’s a good guy, even attractive but I can get on board with him. He is offering me such a sweet life ... why can’t I do this ?!


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## hubbyintrubby

Because you know it's wrong! You want his MONEY, not him. 

That is very very wrong.


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## ConanHub

I'm not inside your head.
Love is primarily an action in my world so I can't relate to what you have going on.

If he is attractive and a good catch, it really is something in you that is causing repulsion.

How do your children like him?


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## Seagirl

I know this - but I feel like I have no other options and I am falling to pieces


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## Seagirl

ConanHub said:


> I'm not inside your head.
> Love is primarily an action in my world so I can't relate to what you have going on.
> 
> If he is attractive and a good catch, it really is something in you that is causing repulsion.
> 
> How do your children like him?


My children are neutral about him - they miss their Dad and he can’t replace them. I agree that my repulsion is all ME - and could be reduced to my own trauma - this is why I don’t want to let it all go


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## hubbyintrubby

Seagirl said:


> I know this - but I feel like I have no other options and I am falling to pieces


You have options. Work more. We're all exhausted out here...not just you. 

Leave this poor guy alone and let him find someone who actually RESPECTS him.


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## Seagirl

hubbyintrubby said:


> You have options. Work more. We're all exhausted out here...not just you.
> 
> Leave this poor guy alone and let him find someone who actually RESPECTS him.


Yeah you’re probably right - I am a lazy piece o ****


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## hubbyintrubby

Seagirl said:


> Yeah you’re probably right - I am a lazy piece o ****


I didn't say that. I just know you're not unique in feeling that way.


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## JustTheWife

Hmmm..."repulsed"??? "crawling back"???
Sounds like choices of words designed to get a strong reaction out of people.


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## Diana7

I do think it would be pretty mean and a big mistake if you married a man who you not only dont love, but who even repulses you. Marrying a man for money is wrong.
I get where you are coming from, I was a very hard up single mum of 3 for several years, and unless you have been there and done that you dont know how exhausting it is to be both mum and dad and to have to be the bread winner as well. However it would not be honest to make promises to him based on money alone. YIou need to love and be attracted to someone to live with them 24/7 and have sex with them.
Please be honest with him and tell him the truth.


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## ConanHub

Seagirl said:


> My children are neutral about him - they miss their Dad and he can’t replace them. I agree that my repulsion is all ME - and could be reduced to my own trauma - this is why I don’t want to let it all go


He shouldn't be looked at as a replacement for a lost family member but an addition to a family that needs him.

Does he have other family like an ex or children?


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## Diana7

hubbyintrubby said:


> You have options. Work more. We're all exhausted out here...not just you.
> 
> Leave this poor guy alone and let him find someone who actually RESPECTS him.


However being a single parent is far more exhausting than sharing the parenting.


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## ConanHub

Diana7 said:


> I do think it would be pretty mean and a big mistake if you married a man who you not only dont love, but who even repulses you. Marrying a man for money is wrong.
> I get where you are coming from, I was a very hard up single mum of 3 for several years, and unless you have been there and done that you dont know how exhausting it is to be both mum and dad and to have to be the bread winner as well. However it would not be honest to make promises to him based on money alone.
> I hope that the childrens dad is helping to support them.
> Pleas be honest with him and tell him the truth.


Her husband died 6 years ago.

This man may be a good match for her.

She might just have some trauma from losing her husband.


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## hubbyintrubby

Diana7 said:


> However being a single parents is far more exhausting than sharing the parenting.


Yes...I know. I lost my father when I was 5 and I watched my mother do it for years and years without using another person for their benefits.


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## Seagirl

hubbyintrubby said:


> I didn't say that. I just know you're not unique in feeling that way.


I know you didn’t say that but that’s how I feel about myself and that’s kind of what the World implies I am if I marry someone I don’t totally love… The thing is I’ve been in love lots of times and it’s not worked out… I generally have a bad picker and pick people who are not good for me to fall in love with… So a huge part of me wonders if this would be a better choice seeing that so many of those problems would be solved and eventually have a grow to love him and find him to be a good companion. I guess I just don’t trust that “in love feeling” anymore


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## Seagirl

ConanHub said:


> Her husband died 6 years ago.
> 
> This man may be a good match for her.
> 
> She might just have some trauma from losing her husband.


Thank you for saying that… I have a serious amount of trauma from losing my husband… I haven’t been able to feel anything for anybody… I don’t know if I ever will again… I almost feel like stepping into a relationship with this man will give me a security that I haven’t known and help me grow to love him


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## hubbyintrubby

Seagirl said:


> I know you didn’t say that but that’s how I feel about myself and that’s kind of what the World implies I am if I marry someone I don’t totally love… The thing is I’ve been in love lots of times and it’s not worked out… I generally have a bad picker and pick people who are not good for me to fall in love with… So a huge part of me wonders if this would be a better choice seeing that so many of those problems would be solved and eventually have a grow to love him and find him to be a good companion. I guess I just don’t trust that “in love feeling” anymore


You can only "try" and pretend to love someone and not be repulsed by them for so long. He will find out and he will be crushed by it. You will ruin the man. 

And it's not that you don't totally love him...it's that you are using him to get your ends met knowing he will take care of you for the rest of your life and offer you such a sweet life. Those are 2 different things altogether.


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## Seagirl

ConanHub said:


> He shouldn't be looked at as a replacement for a lost family member but an addition to a family that needs him.
> 
> Does he have other family like an ex or children?


He has a 30 year old daughter and absolutely adores my children. He and his ex have been divorced forever and are on good terms


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## Seagirl

hubbyintrubby said:


> You can only "try" and pretend to love someone and not be repulsed by them for so long. He will find out and he will be crushed by it. You will ruin the man.
> 
> And it's not that you don't totally love him...it's that you are using him to get your ends met knowing he will take care of you for the rest of your life and offer you such a sweet life. Those are 2 different things altogether.


He already knows how I feel and thinks I will grow to love him eventually when I see how much he loves me and can be trusted


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## ConanHub

Seagirl said:


> He has a 30 year old daughter and absolutely adores my children. He and his ex have been divorced forever and are on good terms


Not bad.

Have you received any counseling to help you with your grief and sorrow?


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## Seagirl

Diana7 said:


> I do think it would be pretty mean and a big mistake if you married a man who you not only dont love, but who even repulses you. Marrying a man for money is wrong.
> I get where you are coming from, I was a very hard up single mum of 3 for several years, and unless you have been there and done that you dont know how exhausting it is to be both mum and dad and to have to be the bread winner as well. However it would not be honest to make promises to him based on money alone. YIou need to love and be attracted to someone to live with them 24/7 and have sex with them.
> Please be honest with him and tell him the truth.


I actually have been totally honest with him… He knows exactly how I feel… But he also feels that I’ve been traumatized and that was good love and support that I would feel safe again and love him and be a great partner for him… But yes I’m not attracted to him - I so wish I was


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## Seagirl

ConanHub said:


> Not bad.
> 
> Have you received any counseling to help you with your grief and sorrow?


Tons


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## Seagirl

JustTheWife said:


> Hmmm..."repulsed"??? "crawling back"???
> Sounds like choices of words designed to get a strong reaction out of people.


What do you mean?


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## ConanHub

Seagirl said:


> Tons


Do you believe any of it has helped you to process your loss and keep moving forward and living as a healthy woman?


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## DownByTheRiver

Because he's going to want sex in return and you're not attracted to him. So you'd be feeling like a sex worker. Only you can decide if it's worth it. 

Aren't your kids about grown and out of the house by now? If they're grown but still in the house, time to get them out so you're not still taking care of them. If you get them into adulthood maturity, who knows, they might take care of YOU some day. Get them out and you can work two jobs or whatever to support yourself and move into a smaller less expensive place, maybe. It's better than sex work.


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## Seagirl

ConanHub said:


> Do you believe any of it has helped you to process your loss and keep moving forward and living as a healthy woman?


Yes for sure it has. However I still have anxiety and sometimes depression as I feel
Overworked and financially stressed ALL THE TIME. It’s taking a toll on me physically and emotionally


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## Seagirl

DownByTheRiver said:


> Because he's going to want sex in return and you're not attracted to him. So you'd be feeling like a sex worker. Only you can decide if it's worth it.
> 
> Aren't your kids about grown and out of the house by now? If they're grown but still in the house, time to get them out so you're not still taking care of them. If you get them into adulthood maturity, who knows, they might take care of YOU some day. Get them out and you can work two jobs or whatever to support yourself and move into a smaller less expensive place, maybe. It's better than sex work.


My son just turned 18 and would be going to college this year but because of the pandemic he’s going to be at home for another year. My daughter is 14. I got started a bit late so my kids are still home. And yes if it was just me supporting myself it would be an entirely different scenario but I live in an expensive part of the country and my kids have high activity expenses. I know this is something I brought on myself and I could’ve lived in a less expensive part of the country but this is where I ended up in once my husband died it was too hard to move.


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## DownByTheRiver

Move! Move to a smaller town where it's cheaper and you can live rather than have sex with a man you're not attracted to. Perfect time when the kids aren't even really in school physically. Sometimes you just have to make changes. That man won't want to take care of you unless you are catering to him sexually, because that is just how it is. I don't think you could live with yourself and you'd be a poor example to your kids if they got a whiff of it. It would be a huge adjustment for them if he were suddenly their father, too, so if you have to make a big adjustment, why not just move to a less expensive place.


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## Seagirl

DownByTheRiver said:


> Move! Move to a smaller town where it's cheaper and you can live rather than have sex with a man you're not attracted to. Perfect time when the kids aren't even really in school physically. Sometimes you just have to make changes. That man won't want to take care of you unless you are catering to him sexually, because that is just how it is. I don't think you could live with yourself and you'd be a poor example to your kids if they got a whiff of it. It would be a huge adjustment for them if he were suddenly their father, too, so if you have to make a big adjustment, why not just move to a less expensive place.


You’re Seeing exactly what I’ve been telling myself for years… But I don’t know where to go and I know that sounds like a huge cop out but seriously when the world is gotten so many options I shut down within ability to make a decision… I would love to move… But where to go?? My kids would kill me if we moved right now… Honestly they are so settled in and rooted!! If I knew where to go I would go !!!


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## ConanHub

Seagirl said:


> You’re Seeing exactly what I’ve been telling myself for years… But I don’t know where to go and I know that sounds like a huge cop out but seriously when the world is gotten so many options I shut down within ability to make a decision… I would love to move… But where to go?? My kids would kill me if we moved right now… Honestly they are so settled in and rooted!! If I knew where to go I would go !!!


What type of work do you do?


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## Seagirl

ConanHub said:


> What type of work do you do?


Sales though getting my masters currently


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## ConanHub

Seagirl said:


> Sales though getting my masters currently


You sound very busy. Are any financial aid programs available for you?


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## Spicy

Hope this isn’t too personal, but have you had sex with him, or shared any intimacy?


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## RandomDude

Well if you're honest with the whole sugar daddy / sugar baby dynamic and happy putting out for someone you aren't attracted to then go for it. That's what my mum did, financial security after all.

But be warned, as gentlemanly as these sugar daddies like my step dad seem - once they know they have you eating out of their hand due to the financial (and power) imbalance they will dictate the marriage which may lead to alot of toxicity, resentment, or much worse.


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## sokillme

Seagirl said:


> Hello I’m feeling very lost… My husband died six years ago and I am exhausted single parent of two… There is a man who loves me deeply and wants to take care of me for the rest of my life… I am 55 years old… I’m too tired to date and so sick of working so hard to barely make ends meet.
> Problem is I dont love him and am not attracted to him at all - almost repulsed actually. I break up with him and come crawling back when I hit financial stress again. I am tortured with this wondering if I can make it work somehow someway. He’s a good guy, even attractive but I can get on board with him. He is offering me such a sweet life ... why can’t I do this ?!


Figure out how you can have a good life without shacking both yourself and this man into a loveless marriage.


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## NextTimeAround

Maria von Trapp didn't love her husband when she married him. she wrote that she loved his kids, and well, the connection was strong enough. What we know from the movie is that she was an orphan and the Mother Superior was about to kick her out "How do you solve a problem like Maria?" 

Maybe you can find love for this man when he shows his devotion to your children.


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## Seagirl

NextTimeAround said:


> Maria von Trapp didn't love her husband when she married him. she wrote that she loved his kids, and well, the connection was strong enough. What we know from the movie is that she was an orphan and the Mother Superior was about to kick her out "How do you solve a problem like Maria?"
> 
> Maybe you can find love for this man when he shows his devotion to your children.


Exactly right! It’s not like she had options… And that’s kind of how I feel right now… Out of options


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## DownByTheRiver

Seagirl said:


> You’re Seeing exactly what I’ve been telling myself for years… But I don’t know where to go and I know that sounds like a huge cop out but seriously when the world is gotten so many options I shut down within ability to make a decision… I would love to move… But where to go?? My kids would kill me if we moved right now… Honestly they are so settled in and rooted!! If I knew where to go I would go !!!


Your kids aren't who has to pay the bills. You're the adult here. Just get off the east or west coast and get in a medium sized city middle of the country. You can look up cost of living and unemployment rates there. Pretty sure they'd rather you moved than move in a man you aren't going to be happy with. He's going to be running the show, and they're not going to like that either.

Tulsa is nice enough these days, or any of the surrounding suburbs. I'd stay away from big cities just because of all the social upheaval. Kentucky, Indiana, Tennessee. If you're east or west coast, you're paying too much is all I'm saying. 

Kids are just on the internet connecting all the time anyway.


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## Seagirl

Spicy said:


> Hope this isn’t too personal, but have you had sex with him, or shared any intimacy?


Yes a long time ago


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## Seagirl

ConanHub said:


> You sound very busy. Are any financial aid programs available for you?


Financial aid for school or for life?


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## Seagirl

RandomDude said:


> Well if you're honest with the whole sugar daddy / sugar baby dynamic and happy putting out for someone you aren't attracted to then go for it. That's what my mum did, financial security after all.
> 
> But be warned, as gentlemanly as these sugar daddies like my step dad seem - once they know they have you eating out of their hand due to the financial (and power) imbalance they will dictate the marriage which may lead to alot of toxicity, resentment, or much worse.


I know you’re right… I think it’s part of why I feel the “repulsion” around him because I don’t trust him on some level… Feel like he’s gonna take it vantage of me once he’s “got me” - I have been told that he will say whatever he needs to say in order to seal the deal with me


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## DownByTheRiver

Seagirl said:


> Exactly right! It’s not like she had options… And that’s kind of how I feel right now… Out of options


Your kids are old enough to be home alone some. So you ought to be able to work full-time. But it would just be easier to make ends meet if your expenses were less. Your son is old enough he should have some little job to pay his own incidental expenses, car insurance, buy an old car, etc.


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## ConanHub

Seagirl said:


> Financial aid for school or for life?


Both really. My daughter in law is taking advantage of every resource she can, in Washington state, to get her schooling paid for and extra money to live on while she is going.


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## ConanHub

Seagirl said:


> I know you’re right… I think it’s part of why I feel the “repulsion” around him because I don’t trust him on some level… Feel like he’s gonna take it vantage of me once he’s “got me” - I have been told that he will say whatever he needs to say in order to seal the deal with me


Uh, that is the only red flag you need. If someone else is picking up on that vibe from him, you need to avoid him.


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## DownByTheRiver

Seagirl said:


> I know you’re right… I think it’s part of why I feel the “repulsion” around him because I don’t trust him on some level… Feel like he’s gonna take it vantage of me once he’s “got me” - I have been told that he will say whatever he needs to say in order to seal the deal with me


He's also probably going to make you sign a prenup so he's got nothing to lose when he gets tired of you. And you'll be on the streets with nothing. If he even wants to marry. It's not anything you should even consider. Most people would simply go get themselves a job. The kids can do school at home. The boy can make sure the girl doesn't get into too much trouble, or he can go get a job and do online college at the same time. You could get cameras in your home so you could keep an eye on things.

Once you go to work, you may meet someone through work, especially doing sales. In sales, you need to be prepared to travel, though, so at some point you'll have to either trust your kids or get someone to look in on them.


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## Seagirl

DownByTheRiver said:


> Your kids are old enough to be home alone some. So you ought to be able to work full-time. But it would just be easier to make ends meet if your expenses were less. Your son is old enough he should have some little job to pay his own incidental expenses, car insurance, buy an old car, etc.


I do work full time ! That is part of the reason I’m so burnt out… I do sales and lately it’s been slow and it’s made it so super stressful! I work hard and I make decent money but it’s never quite enough and I’m always stressed… Reason I’m getting my degree now… Which also takes a lot of time and a lot of stress and it’s going to be that way for another year and a half at least. My son does work and does pay for his incidentals and he does have a car… My daughter still needs to be driven around to her activities but I’m working out carpools and stuff like that… I think the main thing is I’m just tired and I don’t wanna do it anymore such a load to Carey… Or I’m just fried from all the years of doing it


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## Seagirl

DownByTheRiver said:


> He's also probably going to make you sign a prenup so he's got nothing to lose when he gets tired of you. And you'll be on the streets with nothing. If he even wants to marry. It's not anything you should even consider. Most people would simply go get themselves a job. The kids can do school at home. The boy can make sure the girl doesn't get into too much trouble, or he can go get a job and do online college at the same time. You could get cameras in your home so you could keep an eye on things.


My son is going to school this fall online… He got into a great college but nobody’s allowed to live on campus due to the pandemic… I totally trust my kids I don’t need cameras… I just need a break… Like a significant serious break


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## Seagirl

ConanHub said:


> Both really. My daughter in law is taking advantage of every resource she can, in Washington state, to get her schooling paid for and extra money to live on while she is going.


I’m getting a student loan and I have leftover unemployment benefits that are going to end because I started working again after the pandemic lifted… I wonder if there’s other resources I don’t know about I’d be curious to know what she’s looking at


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## DownByTheRiver

Seagirl said:


> I do work full time ! That is part of the reason I’m so burnt out… I do sales and lately it’s been slow and it’s made it so super stressful! I work hard and I make decent money but it’s never quite enough and I’m always stressed… Reason I’m getting my degree now… Which also takes a lot of time and a lot of stress and it’s going to be that way for another year and a half at least. My son does work and does pay for his incidentals and he does have a car… My daughter still needs to be driven around to her activities but I’m working out carpools and stuff like that… I think the main thing is I’m just tired and I don’t wanna do it anymore such a load to Carey… Or I’m just fried from all the years of doing it


I see. How long until you get your degree? Are you just doing it from home?


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## Seagirl

ConanHub said:


> Uh, that is the only red flag you need. If someone else is picking up on that vibe from him, you need to avoid him.


Well honestly they are picking up on that red flag because that is what I have told them… Most people who meet him think he’s a perfectly nice guy


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## DownByTheRiver

Seagirl said:


> My son is going to school this fall online… He got into a great college but nobody’s allowed to live on campus due to the pandemic… I totally trust my kids I don’t need cameras… I just need a break… Like a significant serious break


I hear you. We all do, honestly, but putting yourself under someone's thumb is worse than what you're doing now.


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## Seagirl

DownByTheRiver said:


> I hear you. We all do, honestly, but putting yourself under someone's thumb is worse than what you're doing now.


I think in my heart I know that’s right… That’s why I feel the resistance because I know it’s not a good idea and I sent it intuitively as well. But still… My brain goes crazy thinking of how much easier life would be if I was to just suck it up and be with him


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## JustTheWife

I don't think we should assume that it's all about sex for him...it's sort of implied but not very clear. Maybe he wants a companion. Maybe not so bad to be together if you like each other. Kind of concerned with how you say you're "repulsed". I can see not being attracted to a friend or even some kind of companion who you spend time with but "repulsed" Are you repulsed by him generally as a person or are you talking about being repulsed having sex with him? Since you say you haven't been intimate in a long time, it doesn't seem like it's really about sex.

And why "marriage"? If you enjoy each other's company why can't you be "companions" if it's a win/win for you both? The nature of this relationship is not very clear and as they say, the devil is in the detail. Is he pressuring you for marriage? Or are you considering marriage as a way to get more secure security? Seems like he's always there and you're the one leaving. 

Anyway, if you're truly repulsed by him as a person and have to make yourself tolerate him for money then this is a repulsive relationship. If it's a genuine friendship and you're both enjoying each other's company, then I don't really see why it's so bad but marriage is a bad idea if there is no love (my opinion).


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## DownByTheRiver

Your son can drive your daughter around.


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## Seagirl

DownByTheRiver said:


> I see. How long until you get your degree? Are you just doing it from home?


Right now classes are online… It will be a year and a half at least until I’m finished. The fantasy part wants to just hook up with him and let him foot the bill until I’m done with my degree - I know that’s kind of evil


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## Seagirl

DownByTheRiver said:


> Your son can drive your daughter around.


He drives her a lot! And sometimes he even does it with out grimacing


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## Seagirl

JustTheWife said:


> I don't think we should assume that it's all about sex for him...it's sort of implied but not very clear. Maybe he wants a companion. Maybe not so bad to be together if you like each other. Kind of concerned with how you say you're "repulsed". I can see not being attracted to a friend or even some kind of companion who you spend time with but "repulsed" Are you repulsed by him generally as a person or are you talking about being repulsed having sex with him? Since you say you haven't been intimate in a long time, it doesn't seem like it's really about sex.
> 
> And why "marriage"? If you enjoy each other's company why can't you be "companions" if it's a win/win for you both? The nature of this relationship is not very clear and as they say, the devil is in the detail. Is he pressuring you for marriage? Or are you considering marriage as a way to get more secure security? Seems like he's always there and you're the one leaving.
> 
> Anyway, if you're truly repulsed by him as a person and have to make yourself tolerate him for money then this is a repulsive relationship. If it's a genuine friendship and you're both enjoying each other's company, then I don't really see why it's so bad but marriage is a bad idea if there is no love (my opinion).


This is the thing… I have tried to be around him and just go at it as friendship first… But literally last year when we met for the weekend I felt like I was going to be sick the entire time… It was really significant… And now every time I’m around him I feel nauseated when he tries to kiss me or touch me… It’s really creepy… But I don’t know if it’s just me being resistant… Because I do like him as a friend a lot! I just don’t want to kissing and stuff


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## DownByTheRiver

Seagirl said:


> I think in my heart I know that’s right… That’s why I feel the resistance because I know it’s not a good idea and I sent it intuitively as well. But still… My brain goes crazy thinking of how much easier life would be if I was to just suck it up and be with him


My brain goes crazy this week thinking how much I'd rather be at the beachfront Hotel Galvez in Galveston this week, but even getting there and finding a place who would let you use the restrooms on the way is prohibitive, plus needing an extra key fob to travel with my dog ($459), plus losing income from not working, plus plumber coming tomorrow to fix the completely broken kitchen faucet ($$). Doesn't look like it's going to happen before the warm weather is gone, if ever. 

Life -- it's always something. It doesn't let up. You just have to keep functioning and be sure the rest of the family is helping any way they can.


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## hubbyintrubby

Seagirl said:


> This is the thing… I have tried to be around him and just go at it as friendship first… But literally last year when we met for the weekend I felt like I was going to be sick the entire time… It was really significant… And now every time I’m around him I feel nauseated when he tries to kiss me or touch me… It’s really creepy… But I don’t know if it’s just me being resistant… *Because I do like him as a friend a lot! I just don’t want to kissing and stuff*


This is why you should not marry him or keep him on the hook anymore. Do not do this to him.


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## Seagirl

DownByTheRiver said:


> My brain goes crazy this week thinking how much I'd rather be at the beachfront Hotel Galvez in Galveston this week, but even getting there and finding a place who would let you use the restrooms on the way is prohibitive, plus needing an extra key fob to travel with my dog ($459), plus losing income from not working, plus plumber coming tomorrow to fix the completely broken kitchen faucet ($$). Doesn't look like it's going to happen before the warm weather is gone, if ever.
> 
> Life -- it's always something. It doesn't let up. You just have to keep functioning and be sure the rest of the family is helping any way they can.


I know… So honestly… If you were given a free pass to go to the Galveston hotel anytime you wanted and have somebody fix the plumbing while you were gone… And you pretty much like the person so maybe we’re not in love with them… Would you take it?


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## ConanHub

Seagirl said:


> This is the thing… I have tried to be around him and just go at it as friendship first… But literally last year when we met for the weekend I felt like I was going to be sick the entire time… It was really significant… And now every time I’m around him I feel nauseated when he tries to kiss me or touch me… It’s really creepy… But I don’t know if it’s just me being resistant… Because I do like him as a friend a lot! I just don’t want to kissing and stuff


Ya. Definitely keep him in the friend zone. You do need a break and some more self care in some fashion.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Seagirl said:


> I know… So honestly… If you were given a free pass to go to the Galveston hotel anytime you wanted and have somebody fix the plumbing while you were gone… And you pretty much like the person so maybe we’re not in love with them… Would you take it?


No. I am not comfortable having sex with someone I am not attracted to and it would make me feel like a sex worker and it would tear down my self-esteem and also put me in a very precarious position with NO power. Besides, they can and will stop being nice and accommodating whenever they feel like it, which will likely be when you put on 10 lbs or refuse sex one night.

Your instincts are screaming at you, and everyone should listen to their instincts. They are there developed over thousands of years to protect you, and they are accurate.

For all you know, you could let him in and he could molest your daughter or your son, but for sure, no man is going to just keep giving if they don't think you want them sexually.


----------



## Seagirl

DownByTheRiver said:


> No. I am not comfortable having sex with someone I am not attracted to and it would make me feel like a sex worker and it would tear down my self-esteem and also put me in a very precarious position with NO power. Besides, they can and will stop being nice and accommodating whenever they feel like it, which will likely be when you put on 10 lbs or refuse sex one night.
> 
> Your instincts are screaming at you, and everyone should listen to their instincts. They are there developed over thousands of years to protect you, and they are accurate.
> 
> For all you know, you could let him in and he could molest your daughter or your son, but for sure, no man is going to just keep giving if they don't think you want them sexually.


I think that you’re expressing my deepest and darkest fears about all of this… And if my body wasn’t responding so viscerally I probably wouldn’t listen so intently… But literally… I can’t even be around him half the time without my skin crawling… And then I have to ask myself why?? Why so much version?? Can’t I just be happy with someone who cares about me and is attracted to me? Why don’t I love him? Is it just because his teeth are kind of brown or because he is too needy? What the hell… I’m so confused


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Emotionally needy people are a nightmare even if that is the worst of them.


----------



## EveningThoughts

It's possible that you can't do it because of your commitment to the husband you lost.
Does it feel like a betrayal of his memory to date other men, or is it just this man you struggle with?
Do you have any attraction to real life men in your area?

That's a starting point to your reasoning.

If it's just this guy that you can't physically connect with, then you know your answer.
If its all suitors, then the problem lies more with you.

Although people say to leave him alone and not date him for financial reasons. It seems that he is fully aware of your mindset and still wants to try. He has hope. You have realistic expectations.

What drew you to him in the first place? 

And to the poster that said to work harder, get real! That's like wishing for a world in which we all have to work our own asses off to benefit others, more than ourselves.

How long have you been going back and forth in this relationship?


----------



## Openminded

Long ago I knew someone who married a man she wasn’t at all attracted to (unfortunately, that’s not too uncommon) and she said that she basically felt like a prostitute. She didn’t stay with him very long — not just because of that problem but it turned out there were other problems as well.

Marriage can be difficult under normal circumstances but when you‘re with someone that you are actually repulsed by, that takes it to another level entirely. I doubt many women who are living that life would recommend it. It can have a very high price.


----------



## NextTimeAround

Seagirl said:


> This is the thing… I have tried to be around him and just go at it as friendship first… But literally last year when we met for the weekend I felt like I was going to be sick the entire time… It was really significant… And now every time I’m around him I feel nauseated when he tries to kiss me or touch me… It’s really creepy… But I don’t know if it’s just me being resistant… Because I do like him as a friend a lot! I just don’t want to kissing and stuff


i think you need to keep looking.


----------



## oldshirt

ConanHub said:


> Her husband died 6 years ago.
> 
> This man may be a good match for her.
> 
> She might just have some trauma from losing her husband.


He's not a good match if she is repulsed by him.


----------



## JustTheWife

Are you asking if you should marry a guy that makes your skin crawl, makes you feel nauseous, "literally" makes you feel sick and creepy, and that you're repulsed by?


----------



## Openminded

All those feelings are your gut saying “no”.


----------



## RandomDude

Seagirl said:


> I know you’re right… I think it’s part of why I feel the “repulsion” around him because I don’t trust him on some level… Feel like he’s gonna take it vantage of me once he’s “got me” - I have been told that he will say whatever he needs to say in order to seal the deal with me





Seagirl said:


> Well honestly they are picking up on that red flag because that is what I have told them… Most people who meet him think he’s a perfectly nice guy


Yup sounds familiar. Stepdad was perfectly nice too, he just had his own definition of 'fair' once they got married. He meant well but the dynamic shifts once the honeymoon phases end, he will simply start having new expectations due to his perceived contributions.

Not saying this would be your story, but I have a sugar mummy who tells me her experiences as well as her regret so, just a warning...


----------



## oldshirt

@Seagirl let's talk about this guy a little more. I have a couple honest and sincere questions about this guy. I am serious and your response is significant so please be completely honest - 

Is this guy morbidly obese and smelly? Does he have brown, chipped and missing teeth? Does he have food particles and tobacco stains in his unkempt bushy beard?

Is he rude, crude and socially inept with poor and undeveloped interpersonal skills? 

Would other women of your "league" and your level of attractiveness also find him objectively unattractive and undesirable?

Are you way out of his league and he is shooting for the stars in his pursuit of you and does he think that his financial status might give him a chance where he would otherwise have no chance in the world with a woman like you if it weren't for your financial situation?

Or is he somewhat normal looking that an average 55 year old single mother of two teens would think he was just a normal, average, single guy if she were to run into him?

I'm not talking about you or your reaction to him at this time. I am asking about him and how other women of your demographic and your league would respond to him. Is he objectively fat and slovenly and universally undesirable except for his money or is he at least a normal and average looking guy.

Tell me more about him and where he would fall on the general single's market with other women of your general league and demographic?


----------



## ConanHub

oldshirt said:


> He's not a good match if she is repulsed by him.


Her trauma might have been causing it.

After more information, I believe she just needs help, not necessarily a mate.


----------



## ConanHub

Seagirl said:


> I think that you’re expressing my deepest and darkest fears about all of this… And if my body wasn’t responding so viscerally I probably wouldn’t listen so intently… But literally… I can’t even be around him half the time without my skin crawling… And then I have to ask myself why?? Why so much version?? Can’t I just be happy with someone who cares about me and is attracted to me? Why don’t I love him? Is it just because his teeth are kind of brown or because he is too needy? What the hell… I’m so confused


Regardless of the reason being within him or something not quite straight about yourself, this isn't the time to start a relationship beyond friendship with this man.

It doesn't matter where it is coming from.

Making sure you are healthy is important first but a serious relationship with this guy should be off the menu for now.

Getting a solution to your weariness is important.


----------



## Diana7

ConanHub said:


> Her husband died 6 years ago.
> 
> This man may be a good match for her.
> 
> She might just have some trauma from losing her husband.


Yes I realised that and took out the part about the childrens dad. I am not sure that trauma of loosing someone 6 years ago would make you not be attracted to someone else, maybe she just isnt attracted to him period.


----------



## RandomDude

Also the fact that he is content settling with a woman who doesn't love him is a tad of a red flag. (Since she's been honest, my mum never told stepdad lol)


----------



## Diana7

Seagirl said:


> I actually have been totally honest with him… He knows exactly how I feel… But he also feels that I’ve been traumatized and that was good love and support that I would feel safe again and love him and be a great partner for him… But yes I’m not attracted to him - I so wish I was


You cant force it can you.


----------



## Diana7

Seagirl said:


> Yes a long time ago


How was that being that you dont like him physically?


----------



## Diana7

Seagirl said:


> Yes for sure it has. However I still have anxiety and sometimes depression as I feel
> Overworked and financially stressed ALL THE TIME. It’s taking a toll on me physically and emotionally


I do get you, I was the same when I was a single mum of three. Similar age kids to you as well. Its just exhausting and emotionally draining. I was fortunate after 6 years that I met my now husband, but he will tell you I was an emotional mess when we met and I had all sorts of health issues due to the stress and struggle. I would say though, dont settle for second best, that was what I told myself, to only marry the right guy even if that meant I remained single.

Now this guy sounds nice, but if that attraction isnt there its not there. I really dont think its in anyway due to the death of your husband 6 years ago, as many widowed people marry again pretty soon. Yes it must be tempting to have all that financial help and support, but the last thing you want is to marry a man who you can barely bear to look at let alone have sex with. Not fair to him or you.
Have you any family who can help you financially?
I agree with the moving thing, your children are of an age where they would hate to move. Maybe once the youngest goes away to college you could think about that. In the meantime could you downsize to free up some money?


----------



## Diana7

Seagirl said:


> I think in my heart I know that’s right… That’s why I feel the resistance because I know it’s not a good idea and I sent it intuitively as well. But still… My brain goes crazy thinking of how much easier life would be if I was to just suck it up and be with him


IF your intuition is telling you no, then dont go there.


----------



## Diana7

ConanHub said:


> Ya. Definitely keep him in the friend zone. You do need a break and some more self care in some fashion.


You dont get that when you are the only parent.


----------



## Diana7

Seagirl said:


> I think that you’re expressing my deepest and darkest fears about all of this… And if my body wasn’t responding so viscerally I probably wouldn’t listen so intently… But literally… I can’t even be around him half the time without my skin crawling… And then I have to ask myself why?? Why so much version?? Can’t I just be happy with someone who cares about me and is attracted to me? Why don’t I love him? Is it just because his teeth are kind of brown or because he is too needy? What the hell… I’m so confused


IF you literally cant bear to be around him, then you have your answer.


----------



## Diana7

Seagirl said:


> This is the thing… I have tried to be around him and just go at it as friendship first… But literally last year when we met for the weekend I felt like I was going to be sick the entire time… It was really significant… And now every time I’m around him I feel nauseated when he tries to kiss me or touch me… It’s really creepy… But I don’t know if it’s just me being resistant… Because I do like him as a friend a lot! I just don’t want to kissing and stuff


Your reaction is so strong that this cant possibly lead to marriage. Just say that you want to be friends but that is as far as it goes. You honestly cant force yourself to want to kiss and touch someone.


----------



## 335289

Seagirl said:


> Hello I’m feeling very lost… My husband died six years ago and I am exhausted single parent of two… There is a man who loves me deeply and wants to take care of me for the rest of my life… I am 55 years old… I’m too tired to date and so sick of working so hard to barely make ends meet.
> Problem is I dont love him and am not attracted to him at all - almost repulsed actually. I break up with him and come crawling back when I hit financial stress again. I am tortured with this wondering if I can make it work somehow someway. He’s a good guy, even attractive but I can get on board with him. He is offering me such a sweet life ... why can’t I do this ?!


Imagine being stuck with him when the right one comes along.


----------



## ConanHub

Diana7 said:


> You dont get that when you are the only parent.


You do if you want to not break and be institutionalized or make a bad relationship choice.


----------



## Spicy

Seagirl said:


> Yes a long time ago


And...how was it for you? Clearly it as great for him 😆


----------



## Livvie

Diana7 said:


> You dont get that when you are the only parent.


The kids are 18 and 14. It's not like they are young.


----------



## Buffer

What about him?
Please stop teasing him


----------



## sokillme

Does the dude know you don't love him? It would be wrong to marry him without letting him know you don't. What will you do if you marry him and a year later you meet a guy who maybe isn't as financially well off but well enough and you do fall in love with him? Gonna dump your husband at that point?

Let me tell you this. My Mom married my step-father because she didn't think she could handle my teenage years alone. She will tell you as much. He was verbally abusive to the point that I moved out 6 years later. She eventually divorced him. Now she says it was a terrible mistake, and I say any help he gave her didn't make up for the years of living in an abusive environment and how far that set me back.

How do you think your late husband would react if he know you were thinking about marring a man you don't trust just for his money? Think he would be surprised about that? What would you tell him if he was here?

What do you think this guy would say if you told him all this. He is creepy but you want him to foot the bill for your college? What you are doing is morally wrong. No one deserves to be used like you are doing to this guy, poor social manners or not.

Seriously no offense but you need to really rethink what you are doing here. Sounds like you had a good marriage. You are willingly putting yourself in and contributing to dysfunction in all your lives. Think about your kids, don't ruin the legacy of a good marriage they had modeled for them by jumping into a bad one. Or using another human being for money.

Again what would your late husband think? They are his kids too, still are. Is money the best way to do right by them and his legacy?

You need counseling. You need to deal with your husbands death because somehow along the line you got to a place where no one should be.


----------



## Cromer

My mother, at 56, married a man for security. It was a disaster. He really loved her but she told me several times she only did it for security. She cheated and he was destroyed. When my mother died and I had to go through her things and social media, I realized the real deal and was personally devastated. Please don't put him and his family through something similar.


----------



## Seagirl

Spicy said:


> And...how was it for you? Clearly it as great for him 😆


I know - He said it was the best succeed ever had… For me it was not good at all… Pretty telling


----------



## Seagirl

Seagirl said:


> I know - He said it was the best succeed ever had… For me it was not good at all… Pretty telling


Best sex that is ! 😅


----------



## Seagirl

sokillme said:


> Does the dude know you don't love him? It would be wrong to marry him without letting him know you don't. What will you do if you marry him and a year later you meet a guy who maybe isn't as financially well off but well enough and you do fall in love with him? Gonna dump your husband at that point?
> 
> Let me tell you this. My Mom married my step-father because she didn't think she could handle my teenage years alone. She will tell you as much. He was verbally abusive to the point that I moved out 6 years later. She eventually divorced him. Now she says it was a terrible mistake, and I say any help he gave her didn't make up for the years of living in an abusive environment and how far that set me back.
> 
> How do you think your late husband would react if he know you were thinking about marring a man you don't trust just for his money? Think he would be surprised about that? What would you tell him if he was here?
> 
> What do you think this guy would say if you told him all this. He is creepy but you want him to foot the bill for your college? What you are doing is morally wrong. No one deserves to be used like you are doing to this guy, poor social manners or not.
> 
> Seriously no offense but you need to really rethink what you are doing here. Sounds like you had a good marriage. You are willingly putting yourself in and contributing to dysfunction in all your lives. Think about your kids, don't ruin the legacy of a good marriage they had modeled for them by jumping into a bad one. Or using another human being for money.
> 
> Again what would your late husband think? They are his kids too, still are. Is money the best way to do right by them and his legacy?
> 
> You need counseling. You need to deal with your husbands death because somehow along the line you got to a place where no one should be.


Do you speak words of truth no doubt… And definitely I have been down this road so many times that I thought of all the things you bring up… However I do appreciate reading them again because it’s really the truth… I have gotten counseling and I’ve been dealing with my husbands death. But as much grief work as I’ve done I don’t know if I’ll ever be finished. It was so traumatic for me . I know it’s not right to marry someone I’m not in love with but I do wonder if I would grow to love him overtime. I would hope so and that would be the only reason I would go into it but I guess it’s really like rolling the dice… These comments of actually been really helpful… Thank you very much


----------



## Donny69

Maybe the right man is just around the corner and perhaps you’ll be immediately attracted to him. Don’t sell yourself short..


----------



## Seagirl

oldshirt said:


> @Seagirl let's talk about this guy a little more. I have a couple honest and sincere questions about this guy. I am serious and your response is significant so please be completely honest -
> 
> Is this guy morbidly obese and smelly? Does he have brown, chipped and missing teeth? Does he have food particles and tobacco stains in his unkempt bushy beard?
> 
> Is he rude, crude and socially inept with poor and undeveloped interpersonal skills?
> 
> Would other women of your "league" and your level of attractiveness also find him objectively unattractive and undesirable?
> 
> Are you way out of his league and he is shooting for the stars in his pursuit of you and does he think that his financial status might give him a chance where he would otherwise have no chance in the world with a woman like you if it weren't for your financial situation?
> 
> Or is he somewhat normal looking that an average 55 year old single mother of two teens would think he was just a normal, average, single guy if she were to run into him?
> 
> I'm not talking about you or your reaction to him at this time. I am asking about him and how other women of your demographic and your league would respond to him. Is he objectively fat and slovenly and universally undesirable except for his money or is he at least a normal and average looking guy.
> 
> Tell me more about him and where he would fall on the general single's market with other women of your general league and demographic?


Wellll... He is tall, sophisticated, attractive, in decent shape but not super fit… He has brownish teeth but not gross or over the top… Just maybe needs a veneer treatment… He’s very intelligent and educated and I can talk to him about anything under the sun. He’s willing to grow and change in anyway that he needs to and deeply devoted to those he loves. I am sure other women find him attractive but I don’t see them because we live far apart from each other… This could be part of the problem… We never have significant time together to get to really see what he’s like long-term… He usually comes down here when I’m busy and running around with my kids and is needy for my time and attention. We went to a workshop together and there was a woman who was interested in him… I got very jealous… So yes he is attractive overall


----------



## Seagirl

Donny69 said:


> Maybe the right man is just around the corner and perhaps you’ll be immediately attracted to him. Don’t sell yourself short..


Oh my gosh that would be awesome


----------



## sokillme

Seagirl said:


> Do you speak words of truth no doubt… And definitely I have been down this road so many times that I thought of all the things you bring up… However I do appreciate reading them again because it’s really the truth… I have gotten counseling and I’ve been dealing with my husbands death. But as much grief work as I’ve done I don’t know if I’ll ever be finished. It was so traumatic for me . I know it’s not right to marry someone I’m not in love with but I do wonder if I would grow to love him overtime. I would hope so and that would be the only reason I would go into it but I guess it’s really like rolling the dice… These comments of actually been really helpful… Thank you very much


Here's the thing. Think about it. When you meet the right guy it's not going to be like this. You will have a peace in your heart about him. You know that is just not the case with this man. You just need the courage to hold the course and wait for that guy. So much of life is just having courage. You need to believe that there is good for you going forward so you don't settle. If you settle this is the best you are going to get.

Don't settle my friend, have some faith that there is hope. Have the courage to believe that. Look everything really great in life takes someone having faith that it will happen. 

You can do this. Continue to work hard and you will make your own money, your life will get better and easier. Finances can change and you have a strong input into that. People usual don't and you have no control. Pick yourself.


----------



## Seagirl

Diana7 said:


> I do get you, I was the same when I was a single mum of three. Similar age kids to you as well. Its just exhausting and emotionally draining. I was fortunate after 6 years that I met my now husband, but he will tell you I was an emotional mess when we met and I had all sorts of health issues due to the stress and struggle. I would say though, dont settle for second best, that was what I told myself, to only marry the right guy even if that meant I remained single.
> 
> Now this guy sounds nice, but if that attraction isnt there its not there. I really dont think its in anyway due to the death of your husband 6 years ago, as many widowed people marry again pretty soon. Yes it must be tempting to have all that financial help and support, but the last thing you want is to marry a man who you can barely bear to look at let alone have sex with. Not fair to him or you.
> Have you any family who can help you financially?
> I agree with the moving thing, your children are of an age where they would hate to move. Maybe once the youngest goes away to college you could think about that. In the meantime could you downsize to free up some money?


Only people who have been a single parent… And the soul single parent really get how difficult it really is… Even people who are divorced and have their children part time… That’s hard but it’s still not like having all the responsibility all the time. I wish I had family that would help me… But I don’t… I’m totally 100% on my own it sucks… I also work my ass off and I make good money but I’m frustrated tired and frazzled. These posts have given me much to think about… Part of me wants to just go visit him I wish I had family that would help me… But I don’t… I’m totally 100% on my own it sucks… I also work my ass off and I make good money but I’m frustrated tired and frazzled. These posts have given me much to think about… Part of me wants to just go visit him for a few days without any distractions and see how we do itfor a few days with no distractions and see how we do.


----------



## Seagirl

sokillme said:


> Here's the thing. Think about it. When you meet the right guy it's not going to be like this. You will have a peace in your heart about him. You know that is just not the case with this man. You just need the courage to hold the course and wait for that guy. So much of life is just having courage. You need to believe that there is good for you going forward so you don't settle. If you settle this is the best you are going to get.
> 
> Don't settle my friend, have some faith that there is hope. Have the courage to believe that. Look everything really great in life takes someone having faith that it will happen.
> 
> You can do this. Continue to work hard and you will make your own money, your life will get better and easier. Finances can change and you have a strong input into that. People usual don't and you have no control. Pick yourself.


Love this and thank you 🙏🏼


----------



## Seagirl

Diana7 said:


> You cant force it can you.


It appears that I can’t


----------



## Donny69

The longer you spend with this wrong guy just prevents the other guy from having a chance and God forbid you find him AFTER marrying Mr. Wrong.


----------



## Seagirl

Diana7 said:


> How was that being that you dont like him physically?


When we first started dating we had a lot of wine at dinner and that made it a lot easier… When I stopped drinking I found it impossible to touch him for sleep with him


----------



## Seagirl

EveningThoughts said:


> It's possible that you can't do it because of your commitment to the husband you lost.
> Does it feel like a betrayal of his memory to date other men, or is it just this man you struggle with?
> Do you have any attraction to real life men in your area?
> 
> That's a starting point to your reasoning.
> 
> If it's just this guy that you can't physically connect with, then you know your answer.
> If its all suitors, then the problem lies more with you.
> 
> Although people say to leave him alone and not date him for financial reasons. It seems that he is fully aware of your mindset and still wants to try. He has hope. You have realistic expectations.
> 
> What drew you to him in the first place?
> 
> And to the poster that said to work harder, get real! That's like wishing for a world in which we all have to work our own asses off to benefit others, more than ourselves.
> 
> How long have you been going back and forth in this relationship?


This is literally been going on since my husband died… I’ve known him from before and when my husband died he came galloping in like the knight in shining armor to save the day for me and my children… At the time he was very pushy and I asked him to back off but he wouldn’t take no for an answer… He got so needy that I had to completely break it off with him and we didn’t talk for about two years… Then we came back together and it’s just been this dance ever since he’s too needy and tries too hard and I get sick of him and break it off . Then I get lonely and tired and broke and I start thinking about him again… He’s always there waiting and willing


----------



## sokillme

Seagirl said:


> Only people who have been a single parent… And the soul single parent really get how difficult it really is… Even people who are divorced and have their children part time… That’s hard but it’s still not like having all the responsibility all the time. I wish I had family that would help me… But I don’t… I’m totally 100% on my own it sucks… I also work my ass off and I make good money but I’m frustrated tired and frazzled. These posts have given me much to think about… Part of me wants to just go visit him I wish I had family that would help me… But I don’t… I’m totally 100% on my own it sucks… I also work my ass off and I make good money but I’m frustrated tired and frazzled. These posts have given me much to think about… Part of me wants to just go visit him for a few days without any distractions and see how we do itfor a few days with no distractions and see how we do.


You so remind me of my Mom right before she married my step father, unfortunately I was only 11, but I did cry when she told me. I knew it wasn't a good idea. If I could talk to her now before she did it I would say, have faith in yourself, and have faith in me. I was never going to be too much for her to handle she was just really tired, and this guys she met seemed like a lifeline. A shortcut. but you can't build a relationship on someone saving you. It creates a power imbalance, because the rescuer feels he is owed. He wasn't a shortcut but a path to a 10 year much harder journey.

Yes it's hard and it's OK to ask for help but please don't make life changing decisions because you are tired. REST. Don't give up and settle. You have a right to dream too. You have a right to be with someone who you love. When your spouse annoys you, and gets on your last nerve, LOVE is what keeps you from blowing up (assuming you are a good one). You won't have that.

SG what are you doing? It's OK to need a break from your journey, but you can't stop and hand over the keys because of it.


----------



## OddOne

Honestly, and I don't mean this as a swipe at you, but this guy appears to need a lot more help than you do, at least from a psychological standpoint. I mean, you are conflicted on being with him for pragmatic reasons while being repulsed by him, and have some possible sixth sense that he's not what he portrays himself to be. While he is desperately and delusionally going to try and "make" you love and be attracted to him out of some need to have someone in his life. It's really rather sad. It's as if you could literally treat him like dirt, not that you would, and he'd roll over and take it, and probably do that for the next woman that provides him decent sex, even if it's only once.


----------



## Diana7

ConanHub said:


> You do if you want to not break and be institutionalized or make a bad relationship choice.


When you are the only parent you have no choice but to carry on. You have no one else to lean on and who can help out, unless you are fortunate enough to have family close by who are willing to give you a break.


----------



## TJW

DownByTheRiver said:


> no man is going to just keep giving if they don't think you want them sexually.


Let me tell you about that one. BTDT. We may "keep giving", out of duty, but we will resent every damn $ 0.25 of it, and grit our teeth through every damn minute we give you. Let this guy go. Please. Get your degree and get a better job. Move to the midwest or south. Wait for a guy who you want to be married to.


----------



## ConanHub

Diana7 said:


> When you are the only parent you have no choice but to carry on. You have no one else to lean on and who can help out.





Diana7 said:


> When you are the only parent you have no choice but to carry on. You have no one else to lean on and who can help out.


If you would like to make another thread to argue the finer points of single parenting with me, I would be happy to continue it there with you.


----------



## ConanHub

Seagirl said:


> This is literally been going on since my husband died… I’ve known him from before and when my husband died he came galloping in like the knight in shining armor to save the day for me and my children… At the time he was very pushy and I asked him to back off but he wouldn’t take no for an answer… He got so needy that I had to completely break it off with him and we didn’t talk for about two years… Then we came back together and it’s just been this dance ever since he’s too needy and tries too hard and I get sick of him and break it off . Then I get lonely and tired and broke and I start thinking about him again… He’s always there waiting and willing


Definitely a dance that should end.

I am sorry you find yourself in the situation you are in but entering into a relationship to fix it would be dubious to begin with and a tragedy all around with this particular man.


----------



## oldshirt

Seagirl said:


> Wellll... He is tall, sophisticated, attractive, in decent shape but not super fit… He has brownish teeth but not gross or over the top… Just maybe needs a veneer treatment… He’s very intelligent and educated and I can talk to him about anything under the sun. He’s willing to grow and change in anyway that he needs to and deeply devoted to those he loves. I am sure other women find him attractive but I don’t see them because we live far apart from each other… This could be part of the problem… We never have significant time together to get to really see what he’s like long-term… He usually comes down here when I’m busy and running around with my kids and is needy for my time and attention. We went to a workshop together and there was a woman who was interested in him… I got very jealous… So yes he is attractive overall


Ok so this is what I was afraid of. There is something wrong with this guy. 

If you aren’t having sex with him but yet he is still pursuing you this strongly, something is up. 

Men can tell when someone isn’t into them sexually and one of the primary traits that men crave is someone that finds them sexually attractive and desires them. 

The fact that he could get other women but yet continues this pursuit of you is very troublesome.

And in another post you stated that he swooped in to save the day when your husband died is also very troubling. 

Why would he be this insistent on pursuing you when you have made it clear you don’t want to have sex with him and he could be with other women who would???

I don’t mean this as a dig to you, but why is he so interested in you??? Are you Jenifer Anniston?? 

Again, I don’t mean that as a dig but an honest question. Why would a middle aged man who is objectively not unattractive be so insistent on pursuing a woman that is not sexually into him?

Could there be an alternative agenda here? Could he actually be into someone close to you that being with you would give him access to? Your daughter perhaps??? 

It happens. There are guys that will ingraciate themselves into a struggling single woman’s life and then volunteer to watch the kids while she works the night shift at Denny’s. 

You are having some kind of visceral repulsive reaction to him that is out of proportion to his physical unattractiveness. Your body rejecting him on such a deep and instinctive scale may be your mother’s intuition that something with this guy ain’t right. 

Even if he’s not a molester, your gut reaction to him is a warning sign that needs to be heeded. 

I don’t know what his deal is but there is something amiss here. Something that you need to get off the pot and take seriously and stop messing around with this guy. 

You have a job. You’re in school. You haven’t said anything about getting evicted or the kids being malnourished or the car getting repossessed so you are doing OK and there’s no reason for you to be entertaining some creeper that is making your skin crawl. 

There is something very fishy here.


----------



## oldshirt

OddOne said:


> Honestly, and I don't mean this as a swipe at you, but this guy appears to need a lot more help than you do, at least from a psychological standpoint. I mean, you are conflicted on being with him for pragmatic reasons while being repulsed by him, and have some possible sixth sense that he's not what he portrays himself to be. While he is desperately and delusionally going to try and "make" you love and be attracted to him out of some need to have someone in his life. It's really rather sad. It's as if you could literally treat him like dirt, not that you would, and he'd roll over and take it, and probably do that for the next woman that provides him decent sex, even if it's only once.


Agreed.

At best he has some screws loose.

At worst, he has some kind of actual agenda behind his continued pursuit of someone clearly not into him (see my post above).


----------



## oldshirt

Lemme put it this way - if he was a normal, healthy, decent middle aged guy, it should be his alarm bells going off and it should be his skin crawling that this 55 year old window is trying to use him to support her and her kids even though she’s not into him.

Now I realize men tend to be clueless and there are definitely guys with a pathological case of White Knight Syndrome out there that are always trying to save the damsel in distress, but this seems a little over the top. There still has to be some poontang or the promise of poontang in it for them. 

Either he has a few screws loose or some kind of agenda - or she is the one that is the mastermind and manipulator here pulling the strings. 

Someone is yanking the other one’s chains here.


----------



## OddOne

Yeah. It's possible he's some kind of predator. But other than his obvious desperation to be with the OP, there doesn't appear to be much, if any, evidence for it. And I'd say that's more of a possible indicator rather than actual evidence that he has nefarious designs on OP's children or someone else close to her family. The same basically goes for the possibility that the OP is manipulating this man. There's just not the evidence, that I see anyway, for it. But I understand that you are speculating on possibilities of what may be happening as apposed to trying to argue what is actually happening.

At the minimum, we know the OP wants stability and security, and the man that wants to provide this for her is open to doing it regardless of her disgust for him, because he thinks he can make her want him, make her lust for him. And what will he do if she never gives those things to him? It's probably best the opportunity to find out the answer is never given. 

I think the OP mostly needs a push in the right direction, and help dealing with the loss of her husband. The man, I think, needs to, well, quite frankly, have his head examined.


----------



## NextTimeAround

Does he act creepy around your daughter? Does he insist on paying for everything when you get together? Does he buy your kids gifts?


----------



## C.C. says ...

Op, I can understand your fear of the future and not being able to support yourself and all. But being with a man that is repulsive to me would be a fate way worse than working 2 or 3 jobs ... or death. 

I couldn’t do it. My stomach hurts even thinking about it.

If you’re going to be using the man for monetary purposes, and he’s using you for sex.. company... whatever ...hell... just charge him for the sex and send him on his way. Probably be a lot easier to live with yourself if you don’t actually have to try to live some fake life with a man you don’t love.


----------



## Blondilocks

Seagirl said:


> My son just turned 18 and would be going to college this year but because of the pandemic he’s going to be at home for another year. My daughter is 14. I got started a bit late so my kids are still home. And yes if it was just me supporting myself it would be an entirely different scenario but I live in an expensive part of the country and my kids have high activity expenses. I know this is something I brought on myself and I could’ve lived in a less expensive part of the country but this is where I ended up in once my husband died it was too hard to move.


You have options but you don't want to exercise them. You and the kids are carrying on as if nothing has changed when you're now operating on one income versus two.

Option 1: Downsize housing
Option 2: Relocate
Option 3: Cut out the high activity expenses

Have a family meeting wherein you lay out the financial problems with the kids and get their input to resolve the financial stress. Your kids are old enough to know about the financial problems in the family and may offer some solutions on their own. This would be a good life lesson for the kids. But; remember, you're the parent and you're paying the bills and the price of providing so ultimately it's your decision.

Don't feel guilty for not being able to do it all - it took two before and now it's just one.


----------



## oldshirt

I want to make clear I’m not trying to trigger a pedophile witch hunt here. 

Nothing she has said thus far indicates that at all. 

But we do need to ask what is in this for him and why is he steadfastly pursuing a relationship with her and offering her support and stability when she is presumably not having sex with him? 

She said he swooped in when her H died. That means this has been going on for 6 years. 

Single, middle aged men that are not deformed, disfigures or chronically unemployed do not pursue widowed mothers for 6 years without poon. 

Something is fishy here. Somebody is playing someone.

Either he has a few screws loose or has some kind of agenda or she does and she is dangling some kind of carrot in front of him to get him to foot some bills and his brown teeth are finally getting the best of her.


----------



## oldshirt

Now I’ve been assuming he’s roughly her age but I don’t think I’ve seen her mention his age. 

Maybe he is some desperately lonely 80 year old and she can’t bring herself to climb on an old man.

And maybe he hasn’t got it up since the Clinton Administration so sex isn’t really that big of a deal to him.


----------



## oldshirt

Seagirl said:


> . Then I get lonely and tired and broke and I start thinking about him again… He’s always there waiting and willing


What are you doing to meet and date men that you would be interested in and attracted to?

Are you on any dating sites or social media? Have you talked with trusted friends and family about introducing you to suitable single men that you would have things in common with? 

Are you participating in any activities that you enjoy that would get you out of the house (and away from Mr Brown Teeth) and get you around other people with common interests? 

If loneliness and boredom etc are leading you to entertain him, then address the loneliness and be in the market for someone you would be attracted to.


----------



## Seagirl

sokillme said:


> You so remind me of my Mom right before she married my step father, unfortunately I was only 11, but I did cry when she told me. I knew it wasn't a good idea. If I could talk to her now before she did it I would say, have faith in yourself, and have faith in me. I was never going to be too much for her to handle she was just really tired, and this guys she met seemed like a lifeline. A shortcut. but you can't build a relationship on someone saving you. It creates a power imbalance, because the rescuer feels he is owed. He wasn't a shortcut but a path to a 10 year much harder journey.
> 
> Yes it's hard and it's OK to ask for help but please don't make life changing decisions because you are tired. REST. Don't give up and settle. You have a right to dream too. You have a right to be with someone who you love. When your spouse annoys you, and gets on your last nerve, LOVE is what keeps you from blowing up (assuming you are a good one). You won't have that.
> 
> SG what are you doing? It's OK to need a break from your journey, but you can't stop and hand over the keys because of it.


So true… And that’s what happens… He gets on my last nerve even now! I’ve never quite experienced anything like it… That degree of annoyance and irritation at another person… Reminds me of how I felt about my mom and I was a teenager… And sometimes still! My husband and I would get in arguments but he never got on my nerves and I always enjoyed being with him. He was funny and he was kind always had a good time together… And almost didn’t matter what we did we always had fun. With this guy? We can go to a fancy dinner and stay in a fancy hotel and I’m miserable - I have my doubts if that’s ever going to get better


----------



## Seagirl

oldshirt said:


> What are you doing to meet and date men that you would be interested in and attracted to?
> 
> Are you on any dating sites or social media? Have you talked with trusted friends and family about introducing you to suitable single men that you would have things in common with?
> 
> Are you participating in any activities that you enjoy that would get you out of the house (and away from Mr Brown Teeth) and get you around other people with common interests?
> 
> If loneliness and boredom etc are leading you to entertain him, then address the loneliness and be in the market for someone you would be attracted to.


Due to this thread yesterday I actually activated a dating site that I’m on and talked with somebody yesterday… How will I know if I don’t even try? It’s like I’m giving up too soon and I see that. What if I did meet someone who I really like? How will I know if I don’t give it a chance? I don’t even care about money that much I just want someone there as a companion and support system. But I don’t want someone broke that I have to support financially which is what ended up happening with my husband.


----------



## Seagirl

oldshirt said:


> Now I’ve been assuming he’s roughly her age but I don’t think I’ve seen her mention his age.
> 
> Maybe he is some desperately lonely 80 year old and she can’t bring herself to climb on an old man.
> 
> And maybe he hasn’t got it up since the Clinton Administration so sex isn’t really that big of a deal to him.


He is 63 - And according to him he’s been completely celibate ever since he fell in love with me because he can’t sleep with anybody else


----------



## Seagirl

oldshirt said:


> I want to make clear I’m not trying to trigger a pedophile witch hunt here.
> 
> Nothing she has said thus far indicates that at all.
> 
> But we do need to ask what is in this for him and why is he steadfastly pursuing a relationship with her and offering her support and stability when she is presumably not having sex with him?
> 
> She said he swooped in when her H died. That means this has been going on for 6 years.
> 
> Single, middle aged men that are not deformed, disfigures or chronically unemployed do not pursue widowed mothers for 6 years without poon.
> 
> Something is fishy here. Somebody is playing someone.
> 
> Either he has a few screws loose or has some kind of agenda or she does and she is dangling some kind of carrot in front of him to get him to foot some bills and his brown teeth are finally getting the best of her.


Well, there is a truth in that ! I have often said to him… How do you still even like me?? How come he hasn’t moved on? He is an attractive guy and I don’t get it… He’s not dated anyone at all because he’s basically obsessed with me… It feels unhealthy and I don’t like it and I think that’s part of the reason that I feel repulsed… Almost like he’s completely given his power over to me. There were two years when I didn’t speak to him at all - and when I contacted him to see how he was doing it all got re-kindled. One of this issues is that he has a serious drinking problem and that was a hard NO for me - but now he isn’t drinking so I thought that would help - but apparently it doesn’t


----------



## Seagirl

C.C. says ... said:


> Op, I can understand your fear of the future and not being able to support yourself and all. But being with a man that is repulsive to me would be a fate way worse than working 2 or 3 jobs ... or death.
> 
> I couldn’t do it. My stomach hurts even thinking about it.
> 
> If you’re going to be using the man for monetary purposes, and he’s using you for sex.. company... whatever ...hell... just charge him for the sex and send him on his way. Probably be a lot easier to live with yourself if you don’t actually have to try to live some fake life with a man you don’t love.


I don’t have it in me to trade seX for money and to be honest and possibly judged in an unsavory way - I considered it deeply . Could I be a kept woman and still live my own life ? But being around him is so very taxing on my nervous system - it’s so strange - I am almost terrified of him it creates so much anxiety


----------



## Seagirl

oldshirt said:


> Agreed.
> 
> At best he has some screws loose.
> 
> At worst, he has some kind of actual agenda behind his continued pursuit of someone clearly not into him (see my post above).


I know it’s so true… I’ve encouraged him to get counseling… But he’s kind of a narcissist and thinks he already knows everything and that he’s smarter than all the therapists out there… I know I’m not winning any points for him right now. But he is stuck still in blame and does not except responsibility for his actions… So it’s difficult to share with him how I feel about his behavior when he thinks everything is somebody else’s fault


----------



## oldshirt

Seagirl said:


> But being around him is so very taxing on my nervous system - it’s so strange - I am almost terrified of him it creates so much anxiety


I wouldn’t want someone that made me feel like that doing a lawn treatment in my yard twice a year. 

I don’t know how you can even have this conversation about a relationship with this man.


----------



## Seagirl

NextTimeAround said:


> Does he act creepy around your daughter? Does he insist on paying for everything when you get together? Does he buy your kids gifts?


I wouldn’t say he acts creepy around her but one day he took her to the store and she came back with a bad stomach ache… The same kind of stomach ache I have gotten around him… Nauseated… And she said he was “really getting on her nerves“… He does pay for everything and he does get the kids gifts. My daughter anyway… He really likes her a lot and I’ve definitely had my antenna up towards his affection. But I think he’s just a man that loves kids and he only had one of his own And once the opportunity to be a dad again. But maybe that’s part of my feelings of stress around him… Some Spidey sense that he is a predator. But he’s given zero Indication of that


----------



## Seagirl

oldshirt said:


> I wouldn’t want someone that made me feel like that doing a lawn treatment in my yard twice a year.
> 
> I don’t know how you can even have this conversation about a relationship with this man.


Because I’m desperate


----------



## hubbyintrubby

Seagirl said:


> Due to this thread yesterday I actually activated a dating site that I’m on and talked with somebody yesterday… How will I know if I don’t even try? It’s like I’m giving up too soon and I see that. What if I did meet someone who I really like? How will I know if I don’t give it a chance? I don’t even care about money that much I just want someone there as a companion and support system. But I don’t want someone broke that I have to support financially which is what ended up happening with my husband.


Does repulsive-man know that you've done this now?


----------



## Seagirl

oldshirt said:


> Ok so this is what I was afraid of. There is something wrong with this guy.
> 
> If you aren’t having sex with him but yet he is still pursuing you this strongly, something is up.
> 
> Men can tell when someone isn’t into them sexually and one of the primary traits that men crave is someone that finds them sexually attractive and desires them.
> 
> The fact that he could get other women but yet continues this pursuit of you is very troublesome.
> 
> And in another post you stated that he swooped in to save the day when your husband died is also very troubling.
> 
> Why would he be this insistent on pursuing you when you have made it clear you don’t want to have sex with him and he could be with other women who would???
> 
> I don’t mean this as a dig to you, but why is he so interested in you??? Are you Jenifer Anniston??
> 
> Again, I don’t mean that as a dig but an honest question. Why would a middle aged man who is objectively not unattractive be so insistent on pursuing a woman that is not sexually into him?
> 
> Could there be an alternative agenda here? Could he actually be into someone close to you that being with you would give him access to? Your daughter perhaps???
> 
> It happens. There are guys that will ingraciate themselves into a struggling single woman’s life and then volunteer to watch the kids while she works the night shift at Denny’s.
> 
> You are having some kind of visceral repulsive reaction to him that is out of proportion to his physical unattractiveness. Your body rejecting him on such a deep and instinctive scale may be your mother’s intuition that something with this guy ain’t right.
> 
> Even if he’s not a molester, your gut reaction to him is a warning sign that needs to be heeded.
> 
> I don’t know what his deal is but there is something amiss here. Something that you need to get off the pot and take seriously and stop messing around with this guy.
> 
> You have a job. You’re in school. You haven’t said anything about getting evicted or the kids being malnourished or the car getting repossessed so you are doing OK and there’s no reason for you to be entertaining some creeper that is making your skin crawl.
> 
> There is something very fishy here.


I’ve actually been doing this alone for six years and I’ve managed very well… My son got into a top school, my daughter is a ballerina… My kids are successful and active and happy… I live in an expensive town and I’ve managed to do it all these years… We have a nice home and they’ve wanted for nothing except maybe the yearly trips to Europe that all of their friends seem to do… If I was living in a less exclusive world I probably wouldn’t feel like I’ve not given them enough but I have… I’ve given them everything… And even when I think I can’t pay my bills something always happens and I can… The only thing I haven’t been able toAfford right now is for my son to be able to live on campus which is heartbreaking… But it’s not the worst thing in the world. He is capable of working and he’s going to be doing online school and getting his degree while I get my degree… I will be done with my degree in about two years and things should shift for me… It’s just this two-year window seems daunting and thinking that I still have a long time to do jobs that I don’t love just to pay my bills is so hard on my body… I don’t want to get old and sick and crusty before my time. And no I am not Jenny 🦋🦋 Afford right now is for my son to be able to live on campus which is heartbreaking… But it’s not the worst thing in the world. He is capable of working and he’s going to be doing online school and getting his degree while I get my degree… I will be done with my degree in about two years and things should shift for me… It’s just this two-year window seems daunting and thinking that I still have a long time to do jobs that I don’t love just to pay my bills is so hard on my body… I don’t want to get old and sick and crusty before my time. And no I am not Jennifer Aniston - But he finds me absurdly attractive… Compares me to Lara in Dr. zhivago. He makes me feel good about myself for sure because I don’t have a ton of men knocking on my door these days… But at the same time I’m not trying…


----------



## oldshirt

Seagirl said:


> Due to this thread yesterday I actually activated a dating site that I’m on and talked with somebody yesterday… How will I know if I don’t even try? It’s like I’m giving up too soon and I see that. What if I did meet someone who I really like? How will I know if I don’t give it a chance? I don’t even care about money that much I just want someone there as a companion and support system. But I don’t want someone broke that I have to support financially which is what ended up happening with my husband.


Good on you for taking a step to move on. 

Get out there and start living a life without him in it. 

And have a requirement of someone you date being employed and self-supporting is not only perfectly valid but just simply makes sense. 

No one, man or woman, should take on someone they have to support and provide for. 

It’s one thing to temporarily support a wife and mother when she has babies and toddlers to feed and clothe and keep from running into the street. 

But once kids are old enough to feed, clothe, toilet and get themselves safely to and from school, people need to be able to support themselves. 

Get out and get a life. Get engaged in the world around you and with people you enjoy and and are comfortable with and throw this creeper back.

Something is definitely wrong with him. 

But there is also something in you that keeps pulling you into his web. - FIX THAT!!!


----------



## Seagirl

ConanHub said:


> If you would like to make another thread to argue the finer points of single parenting with me, I would be happy to continue it there with you.


Not sure how to do that ! But yes single parenting is insane


----------



## Seagirl

ConanHub said:


> If you would like to make another thread to argue the finer points of single parenting with me, I would be happy to continue it there with you.


Not sure how to do that ! But yes single parenting is insane


----------



## lifeistooshort

Woman to woman: a man is not a plan.

Take care of yourself and if that means moving then MOVE.

When you do for yourself you'll be free to look for a man you want to be with, and that's good for him too.

When you marry for money you earn every penny.


----------



## Seagirl

oldshirt said:


> Good on you for taking a step to move on.
> 
> Get out there and start living a life without him in it.
> 
> And have a requirement of someone you date being employed and self-supporting is not only perfectly valid but just simply makes sense.
> 
> No one, man or woman, should take on someone they have to support and provide for.
> 
> It’s one thing to temporarily support a wife and mother when she has babies and toddlers to feed and clothe and keep from running into the street.
> 
> But once kids are old enough to feed, clothe, toilet and get themselves safely to and from school, people need to be able to support themselves.
> 
> Get out and get a life. Get engaged in the world around you and with people you enjoy and and are comfortable with and throw this creeper back.
> 
> Something is definitely wrong with him.
> 
> But there is also something in you that keeps pulling you into his web. - FIX THAT!!!


I think that is the most essential part that I have to “fix”… I guess that’s the reason I posted this thread yesterday because I feel desperate and hopeful at the same time that I can get to the root of all of this! I have done a lot of work to try to sort it out but it is a part of me that is scared and hopeless and Though I can be insanely strong and positive there is almost this addiction to falling into self-pity and despair. I’m working on it and thank you so much for your wonderful comments and insight into my situation… I really appreciate it


----------



## Seagirl

hubbyintrubby said:


> Does repulsive-man know that you've done this now?


No - He lives halfway across the country so I rarely see him… We are speaking on the phone every once in a while and emailing and seeing if there’s anyway for us to get through this… We have no commitment each other right now


----------



## hubbyintrubby

Seagirl said:


> No - He lives halfway across the country so I rarely see him… We are speaking on the phone every once in a while and emailing and seeing if there’s anyway for us to get through this… We have no commitment each other right now


So just tell him no, there is no way to get through this and be done with him.


----------



## oldshirt

Seagirl said:


> No - He lives halfway across the country so I rarely see him… We are speaking on the phone every once in a while and emailing and seeing if there’s anyway for us to get through this… We have no commitment each other right now


You are putting waaaaayyy too much stock in someone that is basically a creepy pen pal and cyber stalker.

Move on with your own life and leave him behind. 

When he calls/txts/emails wondering why you haven’t responded back, feel free to use this as your template - 

“I have been very busy with with everything lately ( kids, school, work dating etc ) and won’t be able to keep in touch. I appreciate the friendship we have had but our relationship has ran it’s course and I will no longer be able to maintain an ongoing friendship or other relationship with you. I wish you well in your endeavors and hope things go great for you going forward. 

Thanks for everything,
Sea girl “

Then when he starts blowing up your phone block him. Sends you dozens of emails a day, delete and block. 

If he shows up unannounced on your doorstep don’t open the door and tell him to leave. If he doesn’t, call the police. If he shows up again, file a harassment/ stalking complaint. 
If he breaks into your house after a restraining order, shoot him. Dead.


----------



## ConanHub

Seagirl said:


> Not sure how to do that ! But yes single parenting is insane


Hahahaha! I was talking to another poster so we wouldn't distract from your original post and do something called "thread jacking".

I admire your work and commitment to your children and I'm so sorry you lost your husband.


----------



## ConanHub

Seagirl said:


> I wouldn’t say he acts creepy around her but one day he took her to the store and she came back with a bad stomach ache… The same kind of stomach ache I have gotten around him… Nauseated… And she said he was “really getting on her nerves“… He does pay for everything and he does get the kids gifts. My daughter anyway… He really likes her a lot and I’ve definitely had my antenna up towards his affection. But I think he’s just a man that loves kids and he only had one of his own And once the opportunity to be a dad again. But maybe that’s part of my feelings of stress around him… Some Spidey sense that he is a predator. But he’s given zero Indication of that


Holy moly! If your daughter is getting sick to her stomach like you are around the same guy, eliminate the relationship yesterday!

Something is definitely amiss and even if it is something internal with your family, it is better to be safe than sorry.

This is too weird to ignore.


----------



## Diana7

Seagirl said:


> This is literally been going on since my husband died… I’ve known him from before and when my husband died he came galloping in like the knight in shining armor to save the day for me and my children… At the time he was very pushy and I asked him to back off but he wouldn’t take no for an answer… He got so needy that I had to completely break it off with him and we didn’t talk for about two years… Then we came back together and it’s just been this dance ever since he’s too needy and tries too hard and I get sick of him and break it off . Then I get lonely and tired and broke and I start thinking about him again… He’s always there waiting and willing


Being with someone out of desperation is going to end in tears. Its not fair or helpful for either if you to keep going back and forth like this. Cut it off for good is my advise.


----------



## Dadto2

At least you are honest about your intentions. Some people are not. 

You want a sugar daddy and this poor bastard is so desperate, he's willing to agree. Of course you know he's going to eventually want sex. Are you cool with that? That's how sugar daddies work....he pays to play. 

And why marry the guy? Just have him pay your bills and you put out. No need to make it legally messy when you split up down the road.


----------



## Seagirl

Dadto2 said:


> At least you are honest about your intentions. Some people are not.
> 
> You want a sugar daddy and this poor bastard is so desperate, he's willing to agree. Of course you know he's going to eventually want sex. Are you cool with that? That's how sugar daddies work....he pays to play.
> 
> And why marry the guy? Just have him pay your bills and you put out. No need to make it legally messy when you split up down the road.


I guess that’s the big question isn’t it… Sleeping with him when I’m not attracted to him… And no I don’t have to marry him but that’s what would give me the financial security for my future… I’m sure there is a way I could manipulate the situation so that he could write me and his well or something like that but at this point I really do not feel attracted to him at all


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## Dadto2

Seagirl said:


> I guess that’s the big question isn’t it… Sleeping with him when I’m* not attracted to him*… And no I don’t have to marry him but that’s what would give me the financial security for my future… I’m sure there is a way I could manipulate the situation so that he could write me and his well or something like that but at this point I really do not feel attracted to him at all


Sounds like you've told him that and he's cool with it. He's a grown man, so as long as you're not tricking him, it's his mistake to make.

And you don't have to be married to be in someone's will. But it sounds like you want the marriage certificate to ensure you get the goods.


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## RandomDude

oldshirt said:


> If he breaks into your house after a restraining order, shoot him. Dead.


😆


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## Spicy

Seagirl said:


> But maybe that’s part of my feelings of stress around him… Some Spidey sense that he is a predator. But he’s given zero Indication of that


Always, and I mean ALWAYS listen to your “Spidey” sense. Always.


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## happiness27

Seagirl said:


> He has a 30 year old daughter and absolutely adores my children. He and his ex have been divorced forever and are on good terms


Well, I just read the part where you have a sense that he's a predator. Ew.


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## lifeistooshort

So do I understand this correctly? You can't move to a cheaper area because your kids will be upset, but your guy is long distance so wouldn't you have to move to him?

Won't your kids have to move to him? 

Which means that moving your kids isn't that big of a concern if there's money in it for you?


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## ConanHub

Seagirl said:


> I guess that’s the big question isn’t it… Sleeping with him when I’m not attracted to him… And no I don’t have to marry him but that’s what would give me the financial security for my future… I’m sure there is a way I could manipulate the situation so that he could write me and his well or something like that but at this point I really do not feel attracted to him at all


Oik!!!???

Walking away now....... You should as well OP.

Sorry you are close to losing your mind.


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## ConanHub

RandomDude said:


> 😆


I know, right?


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## ConanHub

lifeistooshort said:


> So do I understand this correctly? You can't move to a cheaper area because your kids will be upset, but your guy is long distance so wouldn't you have to move to him?
> 
> Won't your kids have to move to him?
> 
> Which means that moving your kids isn't that big of a concern if there's money in it for you?


I think the repulsive guy is in her city. She got in contact with another guy that is away from her on an app.


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## Blondilocks

Seagirl said:


> But I don’t want someone broke that I have to support financially which is what ended up happening with my husband.


It would seem that your financial situation would have improved after your husband's death due to having one less person to support. How did you handle the financial stress when he was alive? Basically, you are living beyond your means.


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## Seagirl

ConanHub said:


> Oik!!!???
> 
> Walking away now....... You should as well OP.
> 
> Sorry you are close to losing your mind.


What does OP stand for ?


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## Seagirl

ConanHub said:


> I think the repulsive guy is in her city. She got in contact with another guy that is away from her on an app.


No repulsive guy is not in my city… He’s the guy that lives long distance. If we were to get together I would have him move down here until my kids leave home


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## Seagirl

Blondilocks said:


> It would seem that your financial situation would have improved after your husband's death due to having one less person to support. How did you handle the financial stress when he was alive? Basically, you are living beyond your means.


Absolutely… I don’t go out on the town or do anything extravagant but my life is expensive and my family was here and so I stayed… Especially after my husband died I needed the support of my community. And now it’s just kind of too late to move…


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## Seagirl

lifeistooshort said:


> So do I understand this correctly? You can't move to a cheaper area because your kids will be upset, but your guy is long distance so wouldn't you have to move to him?
> 
> Won't your kids have to move to him?
> 
> Which means that moving your kids isn't that big of a concern if there's money in it for you?


I’d have him move here until my kids graduate


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## Donny69

I find it creepy that the guy won’t take “no” for an answer... he’s the one that seems desperate. Most self respecting men would move on after hearing you weren’t attracted. It’s like he isn’t hearing what you’ve said.


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## RClawson

Sorry for joining the conversation so late. After reading the thread I have to say the red flags are overwhelming. What has me interested in your predicament is your work and your education. What is your end goal with your Masters?


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## TJW

Seagirl said:


> I have my doubts if that’s ever going to get better


My dear, I have NO DOUBT, it is NEVER going to "get better". BTDT.



Seagirl said:


> I’d have him move here until my kids graduate


You have a doomed marriage before it even happens. When you marry someone, your spouse becomes FIRST. Your kids become SECOND. If it's not that way, marriage will fail.
If you don't want it that way, don't marry.

Please, believe me. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Lose this guy.
Finish your degree, then move where YOU need to in order to make a living for your family. Tell your kids to suck it up and find new friends. They need to understand that they are not the center of the universe (no matter what their mother says).


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## Livvie

I think it's grossly immortal to marry someone who repulses you FOR THE MONEY. I don't hear you telling us you have to get your food at a food pantry, that you are on housing and other assistance from your state because you are so poor, that you had to file for bankruptcy, that you can't afford gas to get to work, that you can't afford to go to the doctor when you need to, that you can't afford clothes and shoes for your remaining minor child (who is a
teenager).etc. etc. 

If I were your next boyfriend and I found out you had been contemplating marrying a man who literally repulsed you, just for the money, for money even though your situation _was not dire at all_ I'd run away so fast you wouldn't know what happened.


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## Mr. Nail

The existence of this relationship is all the evidence I will ever need. Never again.


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## Diana7

Mr. Nail said:


> The existence of this relationship is all the evidence I will ever need. Never again.


why? Are you worried you may do the same?


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## Mr. Nail

Don't ask, if you don't want to Know.


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## oldshirt

Livvie said:


> I think it's grossly immortal to marry someone who repulses you FOR THE MONEY. I don't hear you telling us you have to get your food at a food pantry, that you are on housing and other assistance from your state because you are so poor, that you had to file for bankruptcy, that you can't afford gas to get to work, that you can't afford to go to the doctor when you need to, that you can't afford clothes and shoes for your remaining minor child (who is a
> teenager).etc. etc.
> 
> If I were your next boyfriend and I found out you had been contemplating marrying a man who literally repulsed you, just for the money, for money even though your situation _was not dire at all_ I'd run away so fast you wouldn't know what happened.


Yeah, that’s why I think something is up with the guy as well. 

He has to know she’s not into him, yet there he is. 

Either she is kind of BSing us and is telling him that she is all hot for him and all the things she’ll do to him once he puts the mortgage and car payments on his automatic payment, or he has some screws loose at best or is trying to get into the daughters knickers.


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## Blondilocks

For some men it's all about the chase. His ego can't accept rejection so he keeps it up until he's got her and then makes her pay for all he had to go through to get her.


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## RandomDude

Seagirl said:


> This is literally been going on since my husband died… I’ve known him from before and when my husband died he came galloping in like the knight in shining armor to save the day for me and my children… At the time he was very pushy and I asked him to back off but he wouldn’t take no for an answer… He got so needy that I had to completely break it off with him and we didn’t talk for about two years… Then we came back together and it’s just been this dance ever since he’s too needy and tries too hard and I get sick of him and break it off . Then I get lonely and tired and broke and I start thinking about him again… He’s always there waiting and willing


Oh boy... an opportunist orbiter.

You'll never love such a man. My cousin had one for around 7 years, eventually she give him a shot after a breakup (he was there waiting while she had like 2 relationships). Not so knight in shining armor once he got her, and she never fell in love with him, I regret trying to convince her to give him a chance. It was then that I learnt - giving someone you aren't interested a chance is the same as leading them on even if unwillingly. Thankfully she broke it off and married someone who she actually respects and loves.

My girlfriend also had a few orbiters of her own and she shows me the texts. Incredible how much they can spam you even when you don't reply to them, like, don't they get the message?


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## OddOne

Diana7 said:


> why? Are you worried you may do the same?


Admittedly, I'm kind of hoping he and OP lock eyes one day and, well, you know the rest. 


🎶I can't fight this feeling anymore.....


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## Seagirl

RClawson said:


> Sorry for joining the conversation so late. After reading the thread I have to say the red flags are overwhelming. What has me interested in your predicament is your work and your education. What is your end goal with your Masters?


To be Self supporting in a career that I love that doesn’t feel so much like the grind of “work”. Masters is Psych -Yeah you would think that I can answer my own questions as far as my psychological nature goes but I find it very interesting and how my inner being is so pulled into different directions


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## Seagirl

OddOne said:


> Admittedly, I'm kind of hoping he and OP lock eyes one day and, well, you know the rest.
> 
> 
> 🎶I can't fight this feeling anymore.....


Ha ha that’s kind of my hope to you know??


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## Seagirl

Livvie said:


> I think it's grossly immortal to marry someone who repulses you FOR THE MONEY. I don't hear you telling us you have to get your food at a food pantry, that you are on housing and other assistance from your state because you are so poor, that you had to file for bankruptcy, that you can't afford gas to get to work, that you can't afford to go to the doctor when you need to, that you can't afford clothes and shoes for your remaining minor child (who is a
> teenager).etc. etc.
> 
> If I were your next boyfriend and I found out you had been contemplating marrying a man who literally repulsed you, just for the money, for money even though your situation _was not dire at all_ I'd run away so fast you wouldn't know what happened.


Yikes! Guess it’s good we won’t be dating anytime in the near future ! People do all kinds of crazy things for love and money… You’re being naïve if you think they don’t… If you knew the number of people who know me and know me well who have thought it would be a good idea for me to hook up with him because he’s a good man… And I love him very much as a friend… It’s not like I’m a crazy freaking Golddigger I’m just looking for options for my life besides falling madly in love at the age of 55 years old


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## Seagirl

Blondilocks said:


> For some men it's all about the chase. His ego can't accept rejection so he keeps it up until he's got her and then makes her pay for all he had to go through to get her.


I have to tell you I think this is probably a big part of it… He’s a very successful person and used to getting what he wants in his life… And for all his trying and efforts he hasn’t been able to land me the way he wants to… I think it’s a challenge for him and for whatever reason he thinks we’re soulmates


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## Blondilocks

When a man of his age starts spouting the 'soulmates' line, you know he's playing you. It's no wonder you and your daughter get a stomach ache from him - he is disingenuous.


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## Diana7

Mr. Nail said:


> Don't ask, if you don't want to Know.


Why would I ask if I didnt want to know.


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## DownByTheRiver

Seagirl said:


> Ha ha that’s kind of my hope to you know??


If it hasn't happened yet it's never going to.


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## Diana7

Seagirl said:


> I have to tell you I think this is probably a big part of it… He’s a very successful person and used to getting what he wants in his life… And for all his trying and efforts he hasn’t been able to land me the way he wants to… I think it’s a challenge for him and for whatever reason he thinks we’re soulmates


There must be so many people who love another but they dont love them back. He may see you as his soul mate but you clearly dont see him that way. The kindest thing is to let him go and dont go back when you feel lonely, as that just isnt fair. You arent gving him a chance to move on.


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## Ikaika

@Seagirl 
I believe marriages work out best when both come into the relationship in similar (not exactly the same) situations - both are broke or both are financial secure. There is nothing wrong with one party making more than the other, but that both could stand on their own financially, I think is the key. 

If not, there will be resentment at some point in the marriage. Your feelings toward this guy will only exacerbate those resentments (resentment by him and or you). 

Probably not the best way to start a relationship but in this case you may want to ask the question - Will divorce cost you more than the marriage will gain?


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## Prodigal

Seagirl said:


> I’m sure there is a way I could manipulate the situation so that he could write me and his well or something like that but at this point I really do not feel attracted to him at all


Do you think you would be comfortable doing this, or do you think your conscience would bother you? Not judging here, just asking ...


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## Mr. Nail

Diana7 said:


> Why would I ask if I didn't want to know.


The answer to your question is long, rude (to OP), and would constitute a thread jack. After writing a private reply to you I discovered that you have blocked me. 
Thus, you really don't want to communicate. 
Answering this follow up question would be the same.


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## Seagirl

Prodigal said:


> Do you think you would be comfortable doing this, or do you think your conscience would bother you? Not judging here, just asking ...


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## Seagirl

My conscience would totally bother me ! Reason I haven’t or couldn’t do it - not to mention the misery I would experience knowing I was being such a blood sucking gold digger - I just wanna love the guy and I can’t seem to make that happen - dang it


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## Seagirl

I replied to you is a separate post below


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## Diana7

Mr. Nail said:


> The answer to your question is long, rude (to OP), and would constitute a thread jack. After writing a private reply to you I discovered that you have blocked me.
> Thus, you really don't want to communicate.
> Answering this follow up question would be the same.


I havent blocked anyone as far as I know.


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## Diana7

Seagirl said:


> My conscience would totally bother me ! Reason I haven’t or couldn’t do it - not to mention the misery I would experience knowing I was being such a blood sucking gold digger - I just wanna love the guy and I can’t seem to make that happen - dang it


That chemistry just cant be forced.


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## Mr. Nail

Diana7 said:


> I havent blocked anyone as far as I know.





system said:


> You may not start a conversation with the following recipients: Diana7.


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## minimalME

I just tried to send @Diana7 a message as a test, and mine wouldn’t go though either. 👍


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## Diana7

minimalME said:


> I just tried to send @Diana7 a message as a test, and mine wouldn’t go though either. 👍


Thats odd, as you are definitely not blocked. 

Just checked, no one is blocked.


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## minimalME

I didn’t think I was. I’m sure it’s some sort of setting. 😉



Diana7 said:


> Thats odd, as you are definitely not blocked.
> 
> Just checked, no one is blocked.


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## RClawson

Seagirl said:


> To be Self supporting in a career that I love that doesn’t feel so much like the grind of “work”. Masters is Psych -Yeah you would think that I can answer my own questions as far as my psychological nature goes but I find it very interesting and how my inner being is so pulled into different directions


Excellent direction for enhancing your sales and management skills. I have been in sales (to one degree or another) all my life. I am fascinated by the process, my product and those I come in contact with. One of my early mentors was a self made millionaire selling insurance. His educational focus was psycholgy (got his masters). At this point is the degree going to make that much more of a difference? Are you selling the right product or service? DM me if you would like to chat more about it. Part or my background is in personnel placement and I would be more than happy to give you my 2 cents. This guy that is pursuing you.......................he's a distraction, not a good one, and not great for the important focus of your present circumstances.


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## RandomDude

Seagirl said:


> I have to tell you I think this is probably a big part of it… He’s a very successful person and used to getting what he wants in his life… And for all his trying and efforts he hasn’t been able to land me the way he wants to… I think it’s a challenge for him and for *whatever reason he thinks we’re soulmates*


    Lol WTF!

No.

Shameful use of the word! Bah!


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## bobert

Diana7 said:


> Thats odd, as you are definitely not blocked.
> 
> Just checked, no one is blocked.


Go to "account settings" > "your account" > "privacy" > and scroll down to "allow users to..." and "start conversations with you". 

The options are members only, people you follow, and no one. 

That's probably the issue.


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## drt09

I have a hard time trusting people but I would be cautious of anybody who knows that I'm REPULSED by them but still want to try to make you love them. Why would he want to go through all that? If he's such a financially stable nice guy as you say why is he so dead set on being with you? No offense but a man with money can get someone younger and less baggage than you...its just our reality. Is he "madly in love" as you say or does he see low hanging fruit that he can take advantage of once he's got 'cha. 
Honestly it sounds like you've already made up your mind and came here so we can validate it. You want to be with this man for his money because you're tired of working hard. Welp its up to you. Im not gonna tell you not to because I married partly for security BUT I was madly in love. I guess you can be with him and maybe love will come...maybe. If it doesn't you're either gonna be in an unhappy marriage or divorced.


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