# Husband wants to be a friend only



## Nancy

Hi, this seems to be a very strange situation but if someone has gone through please help me. My husband and I were collegues and fell in love 5 years back..though he never wanted to marry as he never believed in marriage but married me as he didn't want to loose me as my parents wanted me to marry. I really love my husband and we had the most amazing 4 years of married life. We are more of friends than husband and wife. We really value our friendship. My husband is quite busy in his job and usually goes out of town as well and works late hours. I too have my job but not very stressful. The day we completed 4 years of our marriage my husband announced he doesnot love me any more as a wife but as a friend. I am his best friend but he does not see me as a wife and cannot thik of having a family with me so we should seperate. I really do not understand...everything was fine but he says he has been trying to keep this marriage going and did not let me know about this as he did not want to hurt me....he is still with me and behaves absolutely normal but when I discuss about love he maintains he doesnt feel anything for me as a wife. He doesnt love me as a wife...our sexual life was nt going fine fr quite sometime but I tuk the reason to be his stress at work. Please help


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## draconis

It sounds to me like he always wanted to just be friends. When he thought he might lose you he thought that if he didn't marry you he would lose the chance forever. It sounds like you need to either see if counciling would help (but I would not think so.) Or if it is just best to divorce and move on.

I'd say give him the divorce and stay friends. As him why he only considers you a friend if you want but that might be many different reasons (he isn't attracted to you, you remind him of a sister/mother, you where "friends" for too long etc)

draconis


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## Nancy

But I really love him and cannot think of living without him...most importantly I am not able to take this that a person who loved me(or showed me that he loved me so much) now does not love me...


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## draconis

It is unfortunate that one person can't make the marriage work by themselves it really does take two people to do it together. You seem to have the passion for two people and though you might be able to start the fire you need his help in that area. How well do you communicate with him.

draconis


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## Nancy

we share a good rapport even after all this....he regularly calls me from work...shows concern to my needs and talks normally the way we used to and I do the same....initial first week I just could not keep myself sane but now I have taken control over my emotions and am talking as normally to him as a gud friend...I try to talk to him on what he needs in a wife...or how does he picture his family....he just says he no more feels attracted to me.....he loves me and adores me as a friend but is not able to see anything beyond that....I have started taking care of myself like concentrating on my looks(which I was not doing for quite sometime)....I am trying to make him agree to go fr a counseling session....what do u suggest...how shud I make him attracted towards me????


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## draconis

Well working on yourself is always a good thing for three reasons.

1) Maybe you will look more attractive to him.

2) You will look better in the eyes of yourself and others.

3) Your confidence goes up.

As far as the confidence is concerned I think that is the biggest reason I am attracted to my wife. In pictures I may never have picked her to be the one I love but she has a glow when you meet her that is an instant attraction. Not to say that she isn't good looking, because even without make-up she looks better then most women I know. But there is that extra about her that sets her apart.

Another important feature is touch which might be slow in coming together for you but try to hug when you meet or part. It really is important to have physical contact. One reason my wife and I have such a strong bond is because we are always hugging, kissing, holding hands etc. Ever after ten years. We take nothing for granted. It really improves our relationship and how we veiw our love together.

draconis


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## Nancy

Thanks for your advice..I really feel that I have a friend with whom I can share my feelings...probably thats what I need right now....I will definitely work on your advice...I do make it a point to maintain our physical contact...even after he said all those things to me I do hug him, kiss him and cuddle up with him...he doesn't stop me but yes reluctantly responds to all this...and then says I'm doing it only for a friend not wife so don't get any signals....this might sound stupd again but as I said I'm working on my looks and will regain my confidence because after reading ur words I aftually realize that he liked me because I was a very strong woman during our courtship days I used to manage a complete floor of 300 customer service agents single handedly and he used to admire it....tell me more how can I attract him


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## justean

if you want to look good. u must do it for yourself, not for him. that way you actually glow more. this is what i mean - do the whole thing - hair , makeup , weight, up your clothes style and all ppl around you notice. my husband or parting hubby notices me more when those around me do. i get more attention and he gets jealous. im not unattractive and i believe that. so believe in yourself. relationships can change for the better. if they change for the worse - then new beginnings can come from that to and no it does not even mean meeting a new man. If your convinced you fit the bill, then go for it. watch the film The break-up Jennifer Aniston and vince Vaughn . walk around the house in just a shirt. start having fun.


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## draconis

I will try to say this with the greatest of care. There is a fine line between persuasion and manipulation.

Your husband may not understand just what he might be losing since he has intimate moments with you. I would think a nudge in the right direction might help him to "see" things more clearly.

Some day that you hug, kiss and end up cuddling you might say "You know I am really going to miss this."

It will start the conversation to what he will lose if a divorce happens. Lets face it you will not want to divide your time, nor would a new hubby feel comfortable that you are cuddling with an ex-husband.

Aside from that it sounds like you have many of the right ideas. You can always do little things that might perk his attention too. But nothing is more relavent then how you hold yourself. If you seem to needy then all might be lost because you look desperate and that isn't an attractive quality. Sometimes playing coy works wonders.

draconis


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## Nancy

I worked on ur advice ad yesterday after quite sometime we had a heart to heart talk. He told me that he misses being a bachelor when he had no responsibilities. He wants to b the same. Today anything he does he thinks about me before..he has changed all his bad habits for me.Though he liked the change but deep inside he did not want to change. He wants to b the same carefree person. I explained him that he might like it fr sometime but then at the end he wud like to settle down some day and it wud b too late as I wud nt b there with him. I explained to him the things he r going to miss if we seperate. He has asked me fr sometime to think about it. Till that time what shud i do???


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## draconis

As long as it is a reasonable amount of time say a week or two I think you should give him the space for 14 days. See were things go from there. We'll still be here any day to listen.

draconis


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## Pups

Save your self respect and stop begging. The man does not want you. No matter what you do you can not MAKE people love you. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want you? That will erode your spirit.


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## swedish

Pups,

Many people are not so black and white. Many go through times in relationships where they question if the grass might be greener. In many cases when the couple is close and still care very much for one another which it appears to be so in this case, they can work through a bad spell and come out stronger as a couple.

Giving up at every bad turn will only leave you with resentment. What you might have, should have tried.


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## draconis

Pups said:


> Save your self respect and stop begging. The man does not want you. No matter what you do you can not MAKE people love you. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want you? That will erode your spirit.



The fact they are working on there communication skills and he said.



> He has asked me fr sometime to think about it.


gives a deal deal for hopre.

draconis


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## Nancy

I agree I really feel its a temporary phase which has come in our lives where he feels he doesnt love me...all his actions say a different story...he still cares for me and since the time he has said he will try to work on our relationship I can actually see it....initially when I used to hug or kiss he used to reluctantly respond but today I noticed a change when he was leaving for office it was he who wanted to hug me.


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## draconis

Nancy said:


> I agree I really feel its a temporary phase which has come in our lives where he feels he doesnt love me...all his actions say a different story...he still cares for me and since the time he has said he will try to work on our relationship I can actually see it....initially when I used to hug or kiss he used to reluctantly respond but today I noticed a change when he was leaving for office it was he who wanted to hug me.



It sounds like he is moving in the right direction. I wish you luck and hope you keep us informed.

draconis


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## Nancy

Hello friends...another jolt came on my way....I happend to find my husband's cell phone statement which showed that he had been talking on one number a lot...almost 6 hours a day/night and exchanging messages as well...when I checked I found out it was one of his office collegue....when I confronted him he said he used to just talk to her for emotional support and there is nothing more than that...he says he will never ever talk to her again and will do everything to make this relationship work...he is even ready for counselling sessions and has even gone and apologized to my parents for making them go thru this situation( as I had discussed with my parents)...I really don't know if I should trust him now....is this relationship worth any efforts.....I'm quite sure that all that he said to me earlier was due to this relationship with the other woman...do u think it makes sense for me to talk to that woman and blast her as well...I really feel like doing this....and as for him I really cant trust if he is apologising genuinely or again its out of fear that I'll create a scene in front of his office people and family.


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## swedish

I really wouldn't recommend confronting the other woman. If he was looking at her as a friend for support and she had different motives, she needs to be out of the loop now. It does sound like his distance with you had something to do with his relationship with her. I'm glad he agreed to end contact with her. 

He will need to become very transparent and live open book in order for you to start to rebuild his trust. I can totally understand that you don't trust him now, but it is possible to get there again if you are willing to work together and give it the time it will take to heal. 

It sounds like he has thought through his confusion and realized he wants to work on your marriage and the fact that he is willing to try counseling is great. I hope he is willing to open up to you and talk about what this other woman was giving him that he felt was missing from within your marriage so you have a starting point for rebuilding if that's the direction you want things to go.

I would ask him what made him decide to want to work on your marriage. It might give you some level of comfort that his intentions are sincere.


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## Nancy

Today we went for counselling session but proved to be a disaster for me...he wanted me to be there with him but once he opnd himself in front of the counsellor I lost it and started crying as soon as we reached home...I felt hurt...though whatever he discussed with counsellor he had already told me about...for eg he said he went to that girl for emotional support he liked talking to her especially when I was nt around...but I am just not able to keep myself stable now...whenever he is talking to anyone on phone I feel he is talking to her again though he told me that I can chk his phone anytime I want....I just hope he is not faking being good to me.


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## marriedbliss

Hi nancy,

I can really relate with you. I am in th very same situation you are in now. Like you, my husband and I are best friends. I guess, it is really hard sometimes to keep it together when your husband talks about what he truly feels for you, he once said to me that I was no longer as sexually appealing to him as before, now tell me who in the world can get themselves together without bursting to tears when words such as that are uttered? But I guess I am still trying to keep it together, I have gone through a lot of blows with our married life...but I also don't know what to do.


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## draconis

Nancy the best thing you can do right now is take care of yourself. Remember even though you WANT your husband back you do not NEED him. But before you can go forward with your life you need to heal yourself. You come across as an intelligent woman.

I wish you the best. We are always hee.

draconis


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## Nancy

Thanks for listening to me but I really am not able to take care...going thru depression and most of the time I start crying...today again I cried in front of him as I am not able to trust him if he really is trying things or is just gonna leave me again...I really wud not b able to take it....I've started going to gym as those 2 hours I forget everything and concentrate on myself but when I am back I just cant help but think about future...I really love him a lot and do not want to loose him...I'm actually thinking of taking counselling sessions individually for myself.


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## draconis

Nancy said:


> Thanks for listening to me but I really am not able to take care...going thru depression and most of the time I start crying...today again I cried in front of him as I am not able to trust him if he really is trying things or is just gonna leave me again...I really wud not b able to take it....I've started going to gym as those 2 hours I forget everything and concentrate on myself but when I am back I just cant help but think about future...I really love him a lot and do not want to loose him...I'm actually thinking of taking counselling sessions individually for myself.


Do that!

I am glad you are going to the gym, anything you can do for yourself right now is a good thing.

draconis


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