# Percentages of success with this type infidelity?



## notyouraverage (Jun 6, 2012)

Hello all,

I'm new to this forum, and I'm in a lot of pain. I'm 54 and my husband is 65. We've been married for almost 10 years. (7 year itch - is it true?)

Almost two years ago I found some phone calls from a lady my husband had an affair with in his marriage previous to ours. I was a member of an online infidelity group, thought he was working on himself, although he never made any effort to get counseling for us as I asked him to do.

I did a search last week purely on a lark using the ID he was using TO GET HELP WITH on the infidelity site, with him sitting here beside me, and 2 profiles came up. He was looking for married but looking, married but lonely sex, 1 on 1 sex, discreet, email then if longer term, all the better.

I found 9 sites, copied all the information, found 5 other email addresses (2 years ago he said there were no other email addresses) and when I cracked his Yahoo account, the messenger brought up the messages, "Are you here" and "I'm here. I have a folder full of printed iformation and her photos. Both of them.

All this happened over the course of 4 days, cuminating in the above chat window, him sitting beside me, and I asked him, "You met her, didn't you?" then immediately, "Did you sleep with her?"

Without any hesitation he said yes.

I was this close to packing the Hefty suitcases, but after all the work I'd done on myself the past 2 years, I decided to work this day by day.

So, here I am, on the damn rollercoaster again, only this time, he's permanently damaged our relationship.

I'm in that awful place of thinking why not cut bait and leave, do I really WANT to do all this work only for him, because I love him, but after this, I'm just not sure I have enough left in my emotional tank to work on this.

So, I'm resting. Taking care of myself, I love on him as I choose, or not, and most of the time, I've removed all filters from my talk with him. Sometimes I'm calm, and sometimes I'd make a sailor blush. I'd type some of it here but it's sure to be too offensive. I describe in great detail the mind movies, because he had to email her behind my back, met her at a location as he was on his way to work, then a week later, met at a quick trip and she led him to her house to do the deed.

I can't believe that even if married men are only looking for a hookup that they are this crass. Really? He had never been without sex or BJ's from me, ever, and I am a runner. I'm certainly curvy and not a hardbody, but this woman... really?? just realllllly???

He asked her if she was clean, took her word, and had unprotected sex, then didn't tell me about this for 1-1/2 years. I asked, and he confirmed, that he did not wear a condom.

Can anyone give me any encouragement? Is there any hope? He is finally saying and doing all the things he should have done when I found the 'safe' phone calls from the 'friend,' but all the while he had done the nasty about 4 months before. 

What are the percentages for a 10 year relationship making it after a single, planned and executed hookup (he planned it and did it less than a week after, so it was not a spur of the moment drunken misstep)?

Was it even an affair if there wasn't an emotional connection (?) or just a hookup? To me, that makes what he did worse to that woman, even if she did entice other men in her profile. My husband used her, and damaged her family, too, even if they don't know about it.

Doesn't it damage a family even if it's hidden?

I have put her up on Cheaterville.com. I am unsure of the rules but I assume if someone asked by private message, I can share that?

I feel hope when he says he's sorry many times, tells me he will carry this work and weight for me, and do anything it takes, take a 2nd job to pay for counseling, or pitch a tent in the yard if I need space.

Help me. Please.

BTW, he is joining here today under c3po. We have plenty of open communication, and I have no problem with him seeing everything I write, because I've said much harsher things sitting right here facing him.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

The simple question to ask him is "why?" The answer to that question, assuming he digs deep and gives you the whole truth, will determine how best to handle this problem.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

notyouraverage said:


> Almost two years ago I found some phone calls from a lady my husband had an affair with in his marriage previous to ours. I was a member of an online infidelity group, thought he was working on himself, although he never made any effort to get counseling for us as I asked him to do.



I seriously question that this never went anywhere other than phone calls, how have you verified that it was "just calls"?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

He's had several emotional affairs and one physical affair, that you know of. He endangered your health by having unprotected sex and is seemingly happy for you to work on yourself whilst he continues to jeopardise your marriage by messing around with other women online. 

We can't fix other people, we can only fix and take care of ourselves. Unless your H is prepared to work on himself (preferably in counselling), I think you could be fighting an uphill battle with him. My only suggestion is MC.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Like all of us who try to work things out it is only by faith. I put the OM on cheaterville.com and since Janurary have over 1.4 million hits. Sweet revenge. But remember that it is not really about the OM or the OW. IT is about our cheating spouses.


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## me2pointoh (Jan 31, 2012)

Oh, notyouraverage, I am so sorry you are here. My heart breaks for you. I don't think there is any definitive answer, but there is always hope...for yourself. No matter what happens you can choose to better your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My story is in my sig, my husband was looking on line for sex and went to meet up with people, although he was scammed and never did the deed.

When I found out I kicked him out of the house - we were DONE.

Today we are together and happier than ever, but that's because he did all the heavy lifting (and then some - he's awesome  )


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## notyouraverage (Jun 6, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> I seriously question that this never went anywhere other than phone calls, how have you verified that it was "just calls"?


Because at the time she was, and is, 150 miles away.

Her husband, also a 'good friend,' was killed unexpectedly in a work mishap, and I know both he and she were coping with shock.

When he is called to work, I take the computer calls. I have access to his work board emulator to see his work status at all times. Always have had this.

He still should have told me.


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## notyouraverage (Jun 6, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> Like all of us who try to work things out it is only by faith. I put the OM on cheaterville.com and since Janurary have over 1.4 million hits. Sweet revenge. But remember that it is not really about the OM or the OW. IT is about our cheating spouses.


Oh, I have copy written up and his photograph that I can post on Cheaterville.com, too. I just haven't done it yet.

I have the picture she sent him of her tit where the subject line was "are you ready for this?"

Gag. I want to put that up there, too. I want to send copies of the tit picture to her husband, but I have confirmed that he has multiple mental issues and is military.


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