# What would you do if you were in my shoes...



## Notsure01 (Dec 24, 2010)

I'm contemplating a separation and divorce and let me tell you why. I can list out a number of things that we've been over and over again throughout the last 4 or so years and things seem to change and then bam, right back to the old ways. Frankly, I'm tired of it. 

He spends most weekends on the computer all day. He comes home from work and goes to the computer. He rarely spends time at night with his children. And I won't get into the findings on the computer. Membership to porn sites and even a match.com account and another one that I can't remember, but its basically looking for someone else. I confronted him and he said he's looking at pics, that was it. 

And I'm not going to say he doesn't do any of the following, because he does, but if I had to put a percentage on it, I do 85% he does 15% of it. I bathe the kids, feed the kids, get them ready in the AM, put them to bed, do the laundry, do the homework with one child and I'm sure I'm forgetting stuff, but you get the gist.

Our love life. It's practically non-existent. I used to be head over heals in love with him, but now i'm to the point I don't care. I miss that connection with someone and I want it again. We have these talks and we talk about making it better and it is better, it does, but only for 1 or 2 weeks and then it's back to the same ole same ole.

I won't even get into money. We keep it separate and he makes it seem like I contribute nothing. We BOTH make good money and I give a set amount to the bills, but I AM THE ONE who clothes the kids. Yet he just sees the bills and what comes out of the bank account. 

I guess I'm looking for others opinions, what would you do? what would you say? would you leave? there are 2 children involved which is basically why I'm staying, that and I'm scared of the future and being on my own with 2 children. Sounds selfish but it's honest. 

Our communication sucks...and we're both passive, but I'm still young and I want a real loving relationship.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Have you communicated this to your husband? 

I can identify with you but from your husbands view. I was hooked on World of Warcraft for about 2 yrs. It almost cost me my wife and children. 

I woke up one day and she had a job, separate bank accounts, email and when we fought she dropped the Divorce word a few times. 

Then she casually made a comment in passing that she was taking the kids to her parents when school was out for summer and would not be back. 

Scared me to death. I went cold turkey on games. I analyzed what I needed to do to meet her needs and man up to my responsibilities as a husband and dad. 

It's been 1 year now and things have turned around - thank GOD! We still have some bad days but manage to work things out and I really enjoy spending time with my kids. The best time is spending alone time with my wife!!! Nothing and I mean NOTHING online can hold a candle to being with my family. 

So my advice - talk with him. Find out what he is hiding from bing on the computer. Get him more involved with the kids. Let's hope it's just games and not something else. 

Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Notsure01 (Dec 24, 2010)

THank you Powerbane...appreciate your feedback. 

Yes, he knows. I've thrown the D word out and in fact 2 years ago, I was ready to leave. His games were way more important than his kids and I. He's actually stopped doing that until recently. He started up again. He used to stay up to 3, 4 and 5am playing games and doing stuff online. 

He doesn't stay up as late..but still after I go to bed, which is 11pm. I ask him when he came to bed and he always says 'late'. He erases his history on the computer ever since i questioned him on stuff....


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

This is just my opinion, but I think divorce is a serious thing. If there is a spark left, I would make sure I had exhausted all options for reconciliation. My wife recently divorced me because she said she has been unhappy for years, yet I really didn't know anything about it.

If you want to save the marriage with some changes, make sure you "get his attention" in whatever way it takes to get his attention and let him know how serious these issues are to you. Speaking from a man's point of view, he may be hearing you with his ears but still not realize how serious these things are to you. have you mentioned divorce? Did it get his attention?


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## arbm (Jan 9, 2011)

hi there..

Reading your story I can relate to most of the things that you are feeling with your husband apart from the porn and dating sites.

Being in love and and loving someone are 2 different things it def sounds by the way you descibre your feelings for him that you are not "in love" with him any more because of his behaviour ie, the things he is doing on the computer, not supporting you emotionally, not helping out with the things that you always have to take care of, ect...

in regards to the porn sites he is registered to, do you have a problem with your husband looking at porn? i ask this because some woman are ok with it and others get very unpest by the fact this is what their husband is doing with out them.... if this is something that upsets you or makes you feel insecure, angry or anything else does your husband know this is how you feel about it? I would assume maybe he does because he is deleting the computer history in order to hide it from you...
If this is hurtful to you, i suggest you sit him down one night and calmy let him know that it does hurt you and the honest reasons for this, if he loves you he will stop, maybe you could suggest that every time he wants to look at porn to come to you first ( naturally you are not going to want it everytime) but maybe by him getting aroused over you instead of porn will help you both...

I think the fact that he is on dating site's is wrong, he is being extreamly selfish, why would a married man need to look on a singles website at "single"woman???? I can understand your frustration as i have had this done to me before by my x, i responded by setting up a profile (with a pic of the kind of girls he likes i found on the net) and writing to him pretending to be inteested and wanting to meet, he fell for it hook line and sinker.... i am just suggesting this because if you want to know for sure weather he is just looking like he says he is...

have you tried a counciller for the both of you? I understand that with children involved things are so much harder, and there is more of a reason to try and work on the situation to resolve the issues.

maybe sit him down and let him know there are a few things that are important to you that you would like to talk about, i once had someone tel me to put a timer on for say 20minutes and talk once the timer goes off leave it and do the same again the next night.. men do not like to sit down and talk about stuff like this when they know its going to drag on so by him knowing its not going to be an all night thing he may be more willing..
I hope that you can both come to some middle ground and get what you need from him, if not maybe it is time for you to think about leaving, do you want your children to enter a relationship with a SO who thinks its ok to disrespect them and treat them the way your husband has to their mother???


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Is he using the games or porn as a substitute for something else or to escape reality?

I was using the games to escape high anxiety and work stress. I was also on an anti-anxiety and anti-depressant that actually made things worse because it shut that part of my mind off so I felt nothing. 

I've since dropped the games and am off the drugs. When I start feeling anxiety or depression creep up - I walk and exercise a lot and discuss how I'm feeling with my wife.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Kudos to you, Powerbane! I hope it has turned both your life and your marriage around.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

If I were you, this is what I would do!

if there is still love, I stay. 

If there is no love left, I leave. 

I try, doesn't work, love dead, I leave. 

If we don't respect ourselves, others won't respect us. 

Begging doesn't work at all, if you want it to work, make him pursue you again. 

Women enjoy being pursued, men enjoy pursuing, don't let him stop pursuing you! 

There is no perfect man, you leave him, find another one, after a couple of years, same old thing will happen. So think more before you make the decision.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

If I were you, i'd communicate with him and set a target to reach with him. If he were my husband, i'd have told him that he's free to tell me everything. Nothing is shame between husband and wife. 
First target would be sex, and re-ignite the fire of love with him.
You can't expect your husband to be a saint when you don't give love and sex to your husband. You can't complain he seeks satisfaction from porn sites. 
Therefore,
If I were you, I would fk him as often as possible until both of us reach our maximum sexual satisfaction. I'd give him lots of love, caress, kisses and blow job, and i'd expect him to show his love to me as well as I do everyday. If I were you, i'd encourage him to try out new things, new positions, and new games in bed. We would fulfill each other's sexual desires.
If I were you, I would ask him for helping around the house. If he would help me, I'd give my thanks and compliments to him, so he would feel happy to help me next time. I'd enjoy working around the house with him and taking care of the kids with him. I'd enjoy working with him.
After things and kids are settled, I would get naked with him, starting from the bathroom. We would wash each other and have some fun in the bathroom first, and then, we would continue to have more fun in the bedroom next.
If I were you I would make sure he's happily exhausted by me with his ballsack joyfully emptied falling asleep with his arms around me.
If I were you. I'd make sure he wouldn't feel a need to visit any porn sites unless he wants to watch porn with me and try out new things in bed with me. Porn is never a problem in my marriage anyway.
If I were you, I wouldn't have enough time to be spent in resentment like you did.
If I were you, your husband would love me madly as well as my husband does.
But luckily, I weren't you, so you still have a chance enjoy the sweetness and happiness that your marriage & family have to offer.
Life is too short to be sad.
You want to say farewell to your husband, you know, that day will surely come.


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## Notsure01 (Dec 24, 2010)

Ok...that brings me to the second part of this, I get all kinds of attention from other men, whether it be at work, or in a store, or from guy friends or his friends....it's nice, but I don't crave it..I don't want it, I don't need it...it's nice, but I want it from my husband. A couple of his work buddies have even said, he's stupid....and that I deserve better than what he gives me. 

Sex has always been an issue because of him. I want it all the time...i could do it day and night. He doesn't want it all the time, and could care less. I do all the work when we do, do it. In the past, i've tried and tried and he's always turned me down. So, I've stopped...I don't try anymore, who can take that much rejection? I hate it...I'm not bad looking...and from what i've been told by other men, i'm hot, although i don't see what' they see, but why doesn't my husband see that? I can honestly say we have a sexless marriage and it's not from lack of trying on my end. I prance around in thongs...I try. It's a 2 way street. right?! 

Thank you all for your responses...I do appreciate the feedback!

It's just frustrating..and i'm at my wits end. If it weren't for my kids, I would be gone.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Notsure,

Please don't stay just because of your kids, if you are not happy, your kids won't be happy either. 

Kids need happy parents around. If you are not happy, you are not vivid, you don't have energy, you don't have life, that's what I mean. 

If you arrange carefully, you can find a man who loves you, and he will be a great father for your kids too, my wish maybe!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Is he suffering from low testosterone?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

It it were me, I would see a lawyer about what to do IF I want to separate, how to protect my assets and my kids.

If it were me, I would unplug the computer one night before he comes home and put the cords away somewhere where they are hard to get to.

I would calmly wait for him to stop freaking out.

I would tell him that I had made an appointment with a marriage counselor the following day. I would tell him that if he is not there, then the following day I will be going to a divorce attorney.

If he won't go to the marriage counselor, then you have your answer. He does not care. He is just too lazy to end it himself.

Good luck.


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## ChrisInNOVA (Jan 3, 2011)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> It it were me, I would see a lawyer about what to do IF I want to separate, how to protect my assets and my kids.
> 
> If it were me, I would unplug the computer one night before he comes home and put the cords away somewhere where they are hard to get to.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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