# What does the sex life of a bisexual marriage look like?



## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

Let me preface this:* I AM NOT ASKING TO CHEAT ON MY HUSBAND. I AM NOT EXPECTING HIM TO ALLOW ME TO BE WITH A WOMAN.*

If you're bisexual and in a monogamous marriage, did it take time for your spouse to get acclimated to it?

I want to watch girl-on-girl porn occasionally, but my husband will not allow it. He's only okay with me watching it once a month.

What he fails to understand is that my desires for that are much more than being horny. It isn't like that. It feels like a primal urge. I can assuage that primal urge with porn or talking about my same sex fantasies, but he won't "allow" it. 

To those of you whom are bisexual, does your spouse let you talk about your fantasies or watch porn? Any other ways to release that desire?

I indulge my husband on whatever he desires, but I do not feel like he does the same for me.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

CHRR,

I posted this to your prior posting which has been deleted or something.

It is often said that, "women fall in love with a person not a gender", and this woman was meeting your non-sexual needs at first better than your H was. When that happens the result is often automatic and over time it grows into a sexual attraction.

A similar thing happened to me, although I'm male, I worked with a "lesbian" who developed an attraction for me. Mostly I think because I met her need for conversation and acceptance which her girlfriend/wife did not. Although nothing happened, she did mention threesomes once or twice, the day to day contact created a bond I never would have thought possible. 

I also think that because her relationship with her girlfriend was strained, while her work relationship with me was always nice, made the contrast between me and her girlfriend in my my favor. She also seemed to feel unloved and mentioned LBD, lesbian bed death, that's were two woman only go to bed to sleep but nothing else lol.

Tamat


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

ConfusionHasRunRampant said:


> If you're bisexual and in a monogamous marriage, did it take time for your spouse to get acclimated to it?
> 
> I want to watch girl-on-girl porn occasionally, but my husband will not allow it. He's only okay with me watching it once a month.
> 
> ...


As was said in your other thread, in the context of your marital vows, the fact that your desires are directed at women is absolutely immaterial and no different than if they were directed at men.


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## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> As was said in your other thread, in the context of your marital vows, the fact that your desires are directed at women is absolutely immaterial and no different than if they were directed at men.


Are you into same sex? I'd like help from people who know what I'm talking about. You've stated your point, which reflects the fact that you just don't understand and how could you, possibly, unless you know how I feel? 

I've heard your point of view.


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## btterflykisses (Apr 29, 2016)

Why do you need to watch porn? Is this just lust? I know I have had an attraction to one woman In my lifetime but never breathed a word to anybody. I think your husband is in shock and doesn't realise how this is affecting you. You know he loves you by his protective behavior toward you.


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## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

Thank you, Tamat. That certainly is an interesting story. What came of your friendship?



TAMAT said:


> CHRR,
> 
> I posted this to your prior posting which has been deleted or something.
> 
> ...


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## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

btterflykisses said:


> Why do you need to watch porn? Is this just lust? I know I have had an attraction to one woman In my lifetime but never breathed a word to anybody. I think your husband is in shock and doesn't realise how this is affecting you. You know he loves you by his protective behavior toward you.


We watch porn, in general. I'd just like to watch this particular category of porn. I am okay with him watching whatever porn he fancies.

The one porno I like that is girl-on-girl is very tender, soft, and sensual. It's very romantic in nature. I can't just watch any video; I had to go through 55 pages of porn to find only one that I liked, lol. 

What happened with your attraction to that woman? Did she feel the same?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

ConfusionHasRunRampant said:


> Are you into same sex? I'd like help from people who know what I'm talking about. You've stated your point, which reflects the fact that you just don't understand and *how could you, possibly, unless you know how I feel?*
> 
> I've heard your point of view.


Very easily. Attraction to another person is attraction to another person. Plain and simple. Same sex does not make any difference what so ever.

You stated in your other thread that you do not really feel any kind of feelings, emotions, what not when having sex with men, and your attraction to women is a relatively recent discovery. Your husband is already indulging your exploration by accepting the porn on a limited basis. How much further do you want him to go in you exploring and partaking of something sexual he cannot possibly give?

You really need to get the idea that being attracted to women is somehow different than being attracted to men when it comes to monogamous marriage in general, and your decision to be married to your husband in particular.


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## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> Very easily. Attraction to another person is attraction to another person. Plain and simple. Same sex does not make any difference what so ever.
> 
> You stated in your other thread that you do not really feel any kind of feelings, emotions, what not when having sex with men, and your attraction to women is a relatively recent discovery. Your husband is already indulging your exploration by accepting the porn on a limited basis. How much further do you want him to go in you exploring and partaking of something sexual he cannot possibly give?
> 
> You really need to get the idea that being attracted to women is somehow different than being attracted to men when it comes to monogamous marriage in general, and your decision to be married to your husband in particular.


No, actually, you don't. That's like me saying I know how it feels to be gay. Unless you are gay, how could you ever assume to know what that feels like. This is simply not about being horny for a woman.

Regardless, if I'm going by your standards that the orientation is immaterial, then if all I am asking to do is watch that type of porn, then certainly my husband should oblige more than once in month because we watch hetero porn at least once a week.

You really need to get the idea that this is not about cheating. You simply don't understand and I wouldn't have either, before my same sex attraction.

All I'm asking to do is watch a porno flick I like more than once a month and share my fantasies with him. That's all. Just like he does with me, only his are hetero- but since that is immaterial, he should oblige.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

ConfusionHasRunRampant said:


> If you're bisexual and in a monogamous marriage, did it take time for your spouse to get acclimated to it?
> 
> I want to watch girl-on-girl porn occasionally, but my husband will not allow it. He's only okay with me watching it once a month.
> 
> ...


There are some separate issues here, so let's take them apart.

First of all, in ANY marriage, the spouse does not have the right to tell you what to watch or not watch. That's YOUR choice. Of course, your spouse can let you know that you watching porn is hurtful and you are making YOUR potentially disrespectful decision with that knowledge. But a spouse can't just order you not to watch it, or that hints at disrespect and controlling behaviour on their part.

Second, just because you are bisexual does not give you a free pass to be non-monogamous (unless that's something you and your spouse discussed earlier in the relationship). You may be attracted to both genders, but you picked this man to be your sole partner. You watching lesbian porn is no different than you watching heterosexual porn. If your spouse feels insecure, you may have to eliminate porn and focus on the sex partner you have in front of you.

And why would you want to watch porn or talk about fantasies about other people with your partner anyways? That could make most partners feel inadequate and disrespected even if they weren't before.

Sex is a primal urge, yes. But when embarking on a marriage, you vow to your spouse that you will only satisfy that urge with them. If you cannot honour that limitation, then perhaps you should seek a divorce before you hurt your spouse terribly.

None of that advice above was bisexual specific. So here's that last bit.

Your husband probably thinks that by choosing to marry him, you are a bisexual who is more 'straight' than 'gay' on the spectrum, so he feels that he should be able to satisfy all your urges, or at the very least that your respect for him is more powerful than the urges he can't satisfy. The last thing he wants is to have in-his-face evidence (you watching lesbian porn) that this isn't the case.

There is a dilemma every spouse of a bisexual person faces. Not only do they have to worry that there are other opposite sex people out there you may desire more, there are also same-sex people that could fit the bill. So instead of half the world, other men whom he at least understands how they think, being a potential affair partner for you, there is the entire population who are potential affair partners, half of whom he doesn't really understand how they think. By not wanting you to explore your same-sex sexuality anymore, he is simply trying to affair-proof half his marriage.

You and he need to sit down and talk, openly and honestly, of what marriage means to each of you, and tell him how difficult you are finding it to be monogamous when part of your sexuality is always going unfulfilled for reasons which are out of his control. Maybe there's some sex play you can explore that would help. Maybe he'll be willing to watch the lesbian porn with you. Maybe you admit that you are not suited to monogamous marriage and have to figure out how to proceed together.


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## uxorious (Nov 25, 2014)

Hello CHRR,

Although I'm a guy and straight, I want to make a couple of comments/observations.

I don't know what happened to your previous post because it disappeared as I was putting together a short reply.

First, it seemed to me that you may not really be in love with your husband? Are you in the marriage just because you've been married a long time. The way you described sex with men (and I assume this includes your husband) seemed very mechanical, not an expression of love.

I don't think you are going to be happy until you actually explore your feelings with another woman. At the same time, your husband will not allow you to explore intimacy with another woman and only lets you watch lesbian porn once a month. Maybe he already knows (or at least senses) that once you are actually with another woman or continue watching lesbian porn more frequently, he will lose you and he doesn't want the marriage to end.

My gut tells me that deep down you are beginning to realize that your feelings for women are stronger than your feelings for your husband or men in general. You want to explore with another women, but withing the confines of your marriage, which tells me you are afraid that it won't work out and you will lose the comfort of your marriage to fall back... but hey, that's the risks...

Either you stay faithful to your husband in a heterosexual relationship, or accept what I think you already know... that you really need to be with a woman to feel the type of sensuous love that you want.

Just my thoughts...


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

ConfusionHasRunRampant said:


> No, actually, you don't. That's like me saying I know how it feels to be gay. Unless you are gay, how could you ever assume to know what that feels like. This is simply not about being horny for a woman.
> 
> Regardless, if I'm going by your standards that the orientation is immaterial, then if all I am asking to do is watch that type of porn, then certainly my husband should oblige more than once in month because we watch hetero porn at least once a week.
> 
> ...


Sexual orientation is still immaterial. What seems to be the root here is you are wanting fairness. You feel as if he gets to indulge his fantasies more often than you do yours, that you are more indulgent and accepting of his fantasies than he is of yours. Not a sexual orientation issue, but one of communication.


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## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

Thank you for your response, Hopeful.

We watch porn together. I know exactly what he likes and those women don't look like me, but I don't nag him. I buy him porn, we role play with certain magazines, etc. We were perfectly fine before this. Now, he wants to tell me what porn I can choose, when I don't do that with him.

Yes, I have attraction towards females and it may just be a fantasy. I've never been with a woman before, so I don't know what that's like...so at this point, it's just a fantasy...and that's where he and I differ. I am willing to talk about his fantasies, even if they don't include me, but he won't talk about mine.

He's suggesting that by having a fantasy, I will go out and do that in real life...but the #1 fantasy of women, is to be raped. Along those lines, if those women role play in the bedroom about getting raped, are they then hopeful that a stranger will truly rape them in real life as they go on about their day? 

I'm also into double penetration fantasies, but have no need to go explore that outsides the transom of my mind. It seems that what is good for the goose, is not good for the gander. 

If he has fantasies that don't revolve around me or geared towards a woman that doesn't look like me, as in porn, could he not go out and meet those needs met by a woman? 

At this point, I become lost.


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## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

Thank you for your post. I certainly see where you are coming from. I waver with this because when it came to this woman, it was so very emotional and nothing I've experienced before.

I was sexually assaulted as kid, had an abusive father, very sexually active at a young age with men in their 30's...so I've never made love to a man. I was always used or used them.

I tried to have more sex with my husband recently, but he has ED problems and intimacy issues, so he can't provide that to me. Alas, m sex drive is high and I need the frequent sex to feel grounded in my marriage.

Your post was thought provoking. I can't reply to all of it, because it has upset me a little (not your intention, I know).

It's scary to be so unsure, because I've never had that. I've never been with a woman, so I don't know if it's just the forbidden factor.

Both of my therapists know I'm never going to cheat on my husband, as that isn't where I am at. I can't hurt him, I don't want to hurt him, and I just can't find a chick to have sex with because it's very emotional for me.

I feel all over the place and very, very sad. This isn't what I want. I don't want to want a woman. I just want to be with my husband. I wish I could control it. I tried to and failed miserably.

I'm going to re-read your post in a few minutes. It hit home and upset me.



uxorious said:


> Hello CHRR,
> 
> Although I'm a guy and straight, I want to make a couple of comments/observations.
> 
> ...


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

ConfusionHasRunRampant said:


> Are you into same sex? I'd like help from people who know what I'm talking about. You've stated your point, which reflects the fact that you just don't understand and how could you, possibly, unless you know how I feel?
> 
> I've heard your point of view.


I am not bisexual, but my husband is. No, there is absolutely no difference. Being married means forsaking _all _others, not just the opposite sex. 

If you want to indulge your bisexuality, do it as a single woman. It really is that simple. Your husband is not on board. Nor is he obligated to be. But you made vows you are obligated to keep unless/until you are released from them.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

CHRR,

She left the company and I no longer have her on facebook or other means of contact. My W knows everything that went on but is meh about it. I did not follow through or even let it get very far for a number of reasons. 

* Work and sex do not mix

* I want to stay loyal to my W

* Any kind of an affair would diminish my love for my W

* I certainly did not want to have sex with someone who could give me VD which I would then pass on to my W.

* I did not want to hurt my co-worker or my W.

* I did not want to hurt the ladies girlfriend, she's a person too.

Tamat


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## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

I've re-read your post and you see me very well. I'm in tears now. 
I guess that's all I'm willing to say, right now, about that. 

Thank you for being so insightful.




uxorious said:


> Hello CHRR,
> 
> Although I'm a guy and straight, I want to make a couple of comments/observations.
> 
> ...


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## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> I am not bisexual, but my husband is. No, there is absolutely no difference. Being married means forsaking _all _others, not just the opposite sex.
> 
> If you want to indulge your bisexuality, do it as a single woman. It really is that simple. Your husband is not on board. Nor is he obligated to be. But you made vows you are obligated to keep unless/until you are released from them.


So along those lines, I can engage him on his fantasies that don't include me or include women that don't look like me, but he shouldn't do that for me, just because it's a woman?

I AM NOT ASKING TO CHEAT ON HIM.


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

ConfusionHasRunRampant said:


> Let me preface this: I AM NOT ASKING TO CHEAT ON MY HUSBAND. I AM NOT EXPECTING HIM TO ALLOW ME TO BE WITH A WOMAN.
> 
> If you're bisexual and in a monogamous marriage, did it take time for your spouse to get acclimated to it?
> 
> ...


The fact that he wants to control what you look at doesn't make sense to me. Also, did he know you were bisexual before you got married?


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## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

niceguy28 said:


> The fact that he wants to control what you look at doesn't make sense to me. Also, did he know you were bisexual before you got married?


Thank you, Nice Guy. 

Yes, the controlling aspect does not sit well with me. My therapist screwed up her face and said, "He said you can only watch it once a month?! Wow. He's trying to control the sexuality that you yourself cannot control." I oblige him on his fantasies. In fact, I want him to have more and be more open.

No, because I had no idea that I might be bi until last year when I fell for a woman. Prior to this I had two very weak attractions to women, but it was when I was a teenager, so I thought it was a phase.


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## uxorious (Nov 25, 2014)

Hello again CHRR,

I'm really sorry if I upset you, I just wanted to let you know my thoughts, but from your response I believe there may be merit to what I said...

Just so you know, I have several lesbian friends with whom I've shared many a drink. My best friend has told me a lot about her realization that she was a lesbian. She had a boy friend at the time and assumed that they would marry, but she also realized that she was attracted to women and her need for a woman was something that wasn't going to go away. She goes out with a guy occasionally, but she's told me that deep down she really prefers to be with a woman. It was very hard for her to accept because she wanted to be straight and have a 'normal married life', but in the end she finally just accepted and came to terms with who she was.

I really wish you the best of luck, and hope that you will keep us posted what happens.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

ConfusionHasRunRampant said:


> So along those lines, I can engage him on his fantasies that don't include me or include women that don't look like me, but he shouldn't do that for me, just because it's a woman?
> 
> I AM NOT ASKING TO CHEAT ON HIM.


If he would be receptive to it, would you be willing to address your sense of a double standard and reset a level playing field by no longer agreeing to indulge his fantasies of other women?

I think you would be better served in figuring this out by putting aside the specifics of your fantasy and looking at the more general sense of unfairness you are feeling.

I also get the sense of a covert contract on your part. It seems as if you feel that by indulging his fantasies, it entitles you to his indulging yours, but is he aware that is how you feel?


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## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

Awwww, thank you. I know you didn't mean to upset me and you were being truthful and sincere. I really appreciate it.

Thank you for sharing your perspective and your friend's experience.




uxorious said:


> Hello again CHRR,
> 
> I'm really sorry if I upset you, I just wanted to let you know my thoughts, but from your response I believe there may be merit to what I said...
> 
> ...


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## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

He is aware of everything in regards to how I feel. As far as indulging him in his fantasies, this goes way back, prior to ever meeting _her._

Indulging his fantasies goes back 15 years or so, since we got together. I was insecure about it for the first few years, maybe in my early 20's, but we've been married for nearly 13 years now and I'm completely over that and have been for a very, very long time.

Anyone can go and cheat. Suppressing a fantasy will not mitigate that, but I trust that he won't do that. In all of this, he was aware of everything. He didn't find out about her. I told him and he knew everything every step of the way. I cannot lie to him, as that is so not far to him and he deserves better than that, it is his life too.

I was told not to disclose things to him that he could never understand, by my first therapist. I disregarded that advice because he is my best friend and not only should he know, but he helped me through the process.

I don't want to stop exploring our fantasies, because I need that. I like to be kinky, rough, and be open and honest. To begin holding back because he is insecure that some of my fantasies will revolve around a woman, well that feels like placing a band aid over it. Also, I like the fantasies and the role play.

I also like the fantasy of getting raped, but that doesn't mean I want to get raped in real life.





samyeagar said:


> If he would be receptive to it, would you be willing to address your sense of a double standard and reset a level playing field by no longer agreeing to indulge his fantasies of other women?
> 
> I think you would be better served in figuring this out by putting aside the specifics of your fantasy and looking at the more general sense of unfairness you are feeling.
> 
> I also get the sense of a covert contract on your part. It seems as if you feel that by indulging his fantasies, it entitles you to his indulging yours, but is he aware that is how you feel?


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

ConfusionHasRunRampant said:


> Thank you, Nice Guy.
> 
> Yes, the controlling aspect does not sit well with me. My therapist screwed up her face and said, "He said you can only watch it once a month?! Wow. He's trying to control the sexuality that you yourself cannot control." I oblige him on his fantasies. In fact, I want him to have more and be more open.
> 
> No, because I had no idea that I might be bi until last year when I fell for a woman. Prior to this I had two very weak attractions to women, but it was when I was a teenager, so I thought it was a phase.


Ahh that makes sense. Does he try to control you in other aspects of your life? Also, you have to look at it from his perspective. You being bisexual is a direct threat to him because he cannot compete with a woman and he knows that. He is now in the position where in the back of his mind he knows that he will NEVER be able to fully satisfy you because you will always desire something that he can't give you. Also, you can't compare his fantasies to yours. You can fulfill his fantasies but he CAN'T fulfill yours. Just keep that in mind.


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## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

Suppressing a fantasy does not mitigate the chance of cheating. It's way too easy to cheat. This isn't what this is about. 

I don't control his fantasies and I don't want him to control mine, period. 



3leafclover said:


> You could rewrite this with all the references to other women replaced with "another man", and it would be no different. I think that's what other posters have been trying to say to you, OP. It's not about the gender. It's about your love, commitment, and attraction to your husband, or lack thereof. It's about you wanting someone - female or male - who is not him. Bisexuality doesn't give you any additional justification, and neither does the whole injustice-of-it-all angle regarding his porn watching, which you already stated you didn't have a problem with. Those things are only muddying the waters and keeping you from facing the real truth regarding your feelings towards your husband and marriage and your sexual desire for others. But I believe your husband senses the truth and is only trying to protect your marriage.


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## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

He is very controlling, but does it under the guise of being protective. Instead, he infantilizes me and I don't appreciate it. 
I feel like he treats me as his daughter and it causes resentment.

I can see where you are coming from w/the differences of the fantasy.

I asked him to screw more, but he doesn't oblige. He says he doesn't want to have more sex, just in case I might leave him. Huh? I need that to ground me in my marriage, to feel as close as I possibly can to him, but alas, he's not having it.



niceguy28 said:


> Ahh that makes sense. Does he try to control you in other aspects of your life? Also, you have to look at it from his perspective. You being bisexual is a direct threat to him because he cannot compete with a woman and he knows that. He is now in the position where in the back of his mind he knows that he will NEVER be able to fully satisfy you because you will always desire something that he can't give you. Also, you can't compare his fantasies to yours. You can fulfill his fantasies but he CAN'T fulfill yours. Just keep that in mind.


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## uxorious (Nov 25, 2014)

Why doesn't he want to have more sex with you? Have you asked him? Assuming that he wants to save the marriage, it seems that he would be very receptive to more sex, especially since he may feel insecure about the whole lesbian thing. Obviously, your libido is stronger than his. Is he ok if you pleasure yourself without him... maybe watching lesbian porn?

In my marriage, I found that most issues/problems came from both partners trying to be controlling and have the last word. Now, for the most part, I accept what my wife wants or asks and I'm much happier as a result. With him being so controlling and treating you like a little girl, I certainly can understand how that would create resentment. The problem is that the resentment will grow and grow if his behavior doesn't change.

He doesn't want you watching lesbian porn as this makes him insecure because he cannot give you woman on woman love, but what about the porn he watches? Does any of it make you insecure, if so, tell him and insists that he only watch it once a month. That would seem fair to me.


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

ConfusionHasRunRampant said:


> He is very controlling, but does it under the guise of being protective. Instead, he infantilizes me and I don't appreciate it.
> I feel like he treats me as his daughter and it causes resentment.
> 
> I can see where you are coming from w/the differences of the fantasy.
> ...


Ok yea sorry to say this but your husband has control issues and the fact that you are attracted to women seriously challenges that. A lot of guys, myself included, would have at first been stunned and probably a little insecure but eventually we would get over it and probably push you into exploring it more if we could at least take part or watch. After seeing this I think the issue with you and women is a symptom of the larger issue which is the fact that he feels the need to control you. Maybe if you address this issue the rest will take care of itself.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

ConfusionHasRunRampant said:


> So along those lines, I can engage him on his fantasies that don't include me or include women that don't look like me, but he shouldn't do that for me, just because it's a woman?
> 
> I AM NOT ASKING TO CHEAT ON HIM.


No. What I am saying is that you made vows to forsake all others, so you don't get to indulge your bisexuality if your husband is not on board. And he's not. 

You, for whatever reason, choose to engage him in his fantasies, etc. He does not choose to engage you. Just like you aren't obligated to engage him, neither is he obligated to engage you. 

You seem to have 2 choices. 1) Divorce and be with a man/woman that is comfortable with your bisexuality and shares your boundaries or 2) Stay married to your H and accept the limitations of the marriage you're in.

I know it doesn't seem fair. It's not. It's life. Life frequently isn't fair.


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## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

I no longer do that, "what's good for you isn't what's good for me." No way and I'm not a bad person because of it. I like fair and I don't expect the moon, but, cheating will happen with the fantasy or not. It is foolish to assume otherwise. 

The control issue is a bigger part of the story. You can't control sexuality. I tried and it only makes things much worse. 

Other than that, it's his insecurity, not mine, that limits us. I am not asking to cheat, but rather, assuage my curiosity.

We are not religious nuts who believe you can't watch porn or imagine someone else. He wants things in fantasy that I won't do in real life, but I'm not here limiting him to that once a month. 

Accept me for who I am or don't. That's what this thread has made me realize. I've accepted things from him that some women wouldn't put up with. So I want to watch girl-on-girl or discuss a fantasy that will never come to fruition. Who cares? Is it THAT big of a deal.

It's a bigger deal when he says no, because it feels so forbidden. 

If he wants to end our marriage because of a category of porn I choose, then by all means leave me because people go through far worse things than this. 

And this thread has made me realize that. I'm an honest, faithful, loving wife who is going through a hard time even admitting bisexuality. It has thrown me. It has caused me to question EVERYTHING I thought I knew before. It has caused me to take a deep look into myself. It has caused nights filled with crying on the floor, because of guilt and shame. It has caused me to go to therapy. I have had panic attacks and multiple doctor visits and ER visits because if I think about her too much, or being bisexual in general, I start to panic. I start to panic because I do not have control over it. So this is not an easy thing. Far from it. It's much worse for me to continue to deny and fight the feelings and it makes them so much more intense.

This is what I want and I'm not a bad person for asking for it. If he wants to partake in it, then wonderful. If not, then there goes a 10+ year marriage.



MJJEAN said:


> No. What I am saying is that you made vows to forsake all others, so you don't get to indulge your bisexuality if your husband is not on board. And he's not.
> 
> You, for whatever reason, choose to engage him in his fantasies, etc. He does not choose to engage you. Just like you aren't obligated to engage him, neither is he obligated to engage you.
> 
> ...


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## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

He says he won't give me more sex because "what's the point?" since I might leave him, anyway. My therapist said that makes no sense whatsoever and I agree.

No, I am not "allowed" to pleasure myself when he is gone, at all. He doesn't like that and thinks it's wrong and detrimental to our marriage.

No, I no longer feel insecure about the porn he watches. We watch it together, I pick it out for him, I buy him magazines- I know the kind of girls he likes and I have no issue with it. 



uxorious said:


> Why doesn't he want to have more sex with you? Have you asked him? Assuming that he wants to save the marriage, it seems that he would be very receptive to more sex, especially since he may feel insecure about the whole lesbian thing. Obviously, your libido is stronger than his. Is he ok if you pleasure yourself without him... maybe watching lesbian porn?
> 
> In my marriage, I found that most issues/problems came from both partners trying to be controlling and have the last word. Now, for the most part, I accept what my wife wants or asks and I'm much happier as a result. With him being so controlling and treating you like a little girl, I certainly can understand how that would create resentment. The problem is that the resentment will grow and grow if his behavior doesn't change.
> 
> He doesn't want you watching lesbian porn as this makes him insecure because he cannot give you woman on woman love, but what about the porn he watches? Does any of it make you insecure, if so, tell him and insists that he only watch it once a month. That would seem fair to me.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

niceguy28 said:


> Ok yea sorry to say this but your husband has control issues and the fact that you are attracted to women seriously challenges that. A lot of guys, myself included, would have at first been stunned and probably a little insecure but eventually we would get over it and probably push you into exploring it more if we could at least take part or watch. After seeing this I think the issue with you and women is a symptom of the larger issue which is the fact that he feels the need to control you. Maybe if you address this issue the rest will take care of itself.


Is it also a control issue when husbands do no allow their wives to explore with other men? Not all men are on board with same sex exploration, even if invited to watch or participate. Some consider it adultery regardless of the gender of the other partner.

Besides, OP isn't asking to actually physically explore her bisexuality. She is asking for her H to indulge her through verbal fantasy and porn. He isn't into it, doesn't want to do it, and seems pretty set in his position.


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## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> Is it also a control issue when husbands do no allow their wives to explore with other men? Not all men are on board with same sex exploration, even if invited to watch or participate. Some consider it adultery regardless of the gender of the other partner.
> 
> Besides, OP isn't asking to actually physically explore her bisexuality. She is asking for her H to indulge her through verbal fantasy and porn. He isn't into it, doesn't want to do it, and seems pretty set in his position.


My therapists would vehemently disagree with you on that point. I'll gladly take their word over yours. Thank you for your point of view, though.


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## uxorious (Nov 25, 2014)

Hello again CHRR, Your husband doesn't want to have more sex with you because 'what's the point, you may leave him anyway'. That just doesn't make sense and seems to be self-fullfilling... 

He denies you sex and is controlling and treats you like a little girl causing more and more resentment...

I guess I've already formed an opinion on your marriage... but then that's something you have to decide yourself.

With regards to admitting that you are bisexual, I guess I really question that... Having sex with a guy and also wanting to be with a woman doesn't necessarily make you bisexual... 

From your descriptions in the various posts and the way you have described sex with a woman versus sex with a man, have you considered that you may be a lesbian and not necessarily bisexual? I don't mean to read more into what is going on than what you have said, but this keeps crossing my mind...


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## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

To be frank, uxorious, I like you! You manage to be honest, but tactful, in your posts. You make me think, while not judging me. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you for that. I like your posts.

This is not the first time (in regards to writing on a forum) that someone has mentioned lesbian vs. bisexual to me.

It is hard enough to admit I might be bi. I've never actually been with a woman, but I certainly was in love with one for a year and a half. She still has quite a hold on me. She text messaged me exactly one week ago, but it wasn't directed to me. It was weird because ever since she text messaged, those feelings for her have gone away. Perhaps I'm unsure if she's playing games with me or not and it is a way of protecting myself. My situation with her was far more complicated.

With a man, yes, it is screwing. F'g. Banging. I want it hard, rough, and fast. I don't like cuddling, but the kinkier I get with my husband, the more I am open to the concept of cuddling.

With a woman...well, with her, I wanted the opposite. I wanted slow and tender. I wanted to taste her. I wanted to make slow, passionate love together. I wanted it sensual and tender and full of emotion. Gosh, I don't even know what after-sex would look like on that occasion, because I don't think I've ever really made love to anyone. Would I have cried with her? Held her? I don't know. 

I've been used by men and used them. They were a means to an end. I kept thinking my husband was a protector to me, but now in therapy and writing on here, I can see he is more controlling, just a more covert form of abuse.

My sex life with him in not good. He has ED and intimacy issues. When I met her, he and I hadn't had sex in 9 months. I met her in a professional setting and she stared at my breasts when she came out to greet me and managed to graze them a few times during our interaction. It didn't feel good, but it didn't feel bad. It tingled. Later when she rubbed my shoulder, my body felt like a lightning bolt had went through it. I felt alive. She felt like home.

I was so resentful of my husband at that time for not having sex in such a long time. And he's not one to bring up the issue, he likes to sweep things under the rug.

I'm not sure if I can force those emotions to be applied towards a man, mainly my husband. I'm not sure if that can be controlled or learned. I'd like to. But with the three women in my life I've been attracted to, it is so very emotional for me. Very deep, intense feelings.

My therapists have all agreed I could never go out and bang a chick, because that isn't what it is about for me. It's so full of emotions and feelings.

I went hiking yesterday and many attractive men passed me by. I imagined trying to get to know them and forming an emotional bond, but I couldn't. I was attracted to them, yes, but all I could muster was thinking about screwing them really quick and that being that.

My attraction to women is very different. It doesn't happen all too often in the first place, but I can't see a woman and be attracted. Usually, I don't even pay attention to what a woman wears or what she looks like...but if I get to know her and she's cool and I admire her in some way and there is that spark of an emotional connection, then I will always be attracted to them. Physical attraction does play a role in it, because all three women in my life are very feminine and very attractive, but it's not like I could have seen them on the street and had a lustful response for them. Not in the least.

So that makes it even more confusing to me.

Edit: Maybe I need to start to be honest with myself. I need to have more of a voice and listen to myself more, without shaming and guilting and just accepting. I am still in love with her. I have not gotten over her. One person has held my heart for the better part of 18 months and it's always been _her_. 
That isn't easy for me to admit. I have some serious thinking to do. Still, I was not happy to get that text from her last week. It bbrought all of the feelings back and my husband was in shock.



uxorious said:


> Hello again CHRR, Your husband doesn't want to have more sex with you because 'what's the point, you may leave him anyway'. That just doesn't make sense and seems to be self-fullfilling...
> 
> He denies you sex and is controlling and treats you like a little girl causing more and more resentment...
> 
> ...


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

ConfusionHasRunRampant said:


> Let me preface this:* I AM NOT ASKING TO CHEAT ON MY HUSBAND. I AM NOT EXPECTING HIM TO ALLOW ME TO BE WITH A WOMAN.*
> 
> If you're bisexual and in a monogamous marriage, did it take time for your spouse to get acclimated to it?
> 
> ...



Your hubby is to take care of your needs as his own, so whatever needs you are missing, he has to meet.

More Emotional? Romantic?

If not, you might meet another woman who does this and you get close and then it turns into girl on girl.

And you are to take care of his needs as your own and you aren't your own anymore.

When you are really in love and want to get married, you'll know. If you still want to have sex with other people, don't settle down and get married.

Is there anything your hubby can do to meet your needs?

Once you cross the line and have a girl on girl or 3 some, the marriage is toast, adultery, and its finished sooner or later.

I'd say letting your hubby know a girl on girl is a fantasy of yours is being open and honest.

Some fantasies are meant to be just that instead of doing whatever we desire.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

ConfusionHasRunRampant said:


> To be frank, uxorious, I like you! You manage to be honest, but tactful, in your posts. You make me think, while not judging me. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you for that. I like your posts.
> 
> This is not the first time (in regards to writing on a forum) that someone has mentioned lesbian vs. bisexual to me.
> 
> ...


Do you think your husband's lack of desire to have sex with you, that his ED could be related to the fact that you have been having an emotional affair on him for over a year and a half?

It really seems like you and your husband have grown in very different directions, have become almost completely incompatible. Was he aware when you married that the sex part of your relationship was nothing more than him be a fvck?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

ConfusionHasRunRampant said:


> I no longer do that, "what's good for you isn't what's good for me." No way and I'm not a bad person because of it. I like fair and I don't expect the moon, but, cheating will happen with the fantasy or not. It is foolish to assume otherwise.
> 
> The control issue is a bigger part of the story. You can't control sexuality. I tried and it only makes things much worse.
> 
> ...


No, you can't control sexuality. But you can control how you express it. You want to explore through verbal fantasy and porn. Your husband does not. You don't have a lot of options here.

I get it, I really do. DH and I explore fantasy verbally and through porn from time to time. However, it works because we both enjoy it. The problem is that your H doesn't enjoy it.

You think of it as him throwing away a marriage because he doesn't enjoy girl on girl action. He may very well think of it as you throwing away a 10 year marriage because you like girl on girl action a bit too much. Both points of view are valid. The question is, can you find a compromise and be happy or is this a deal breaker?


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## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

I would answer that, if only for the fact that his ED problems go back 10 years and if not, more than that. He never has dealt with it. 

I don't even like getting turned on in the bedroom, because he may or may not be able to get it up. 

It wasn't like that in the beginning. Our sex life wasn't making love, but it wasn't what it is now. It was slower and more tender, but still wouldn't classify it as making love. 



samyeagar said:


> ConfusionHasRunRampant said:
> 
> 
> > To be frank, uxorious, I like you! You manage to be honest, but tactful, in your posts. You make me think, while not judging me. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you for that. I like your posts.
> ...


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

ConfusionHasRunRampant said:


> To be frank, uxorious, I like you! You manage to be honest, but tactful, in your posts. You make me think, while not judging me. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you for that. I like your posts.
> 
> This is not the first time (in regards to writing on a forum) that someone has mentioned lesbian vs. bisexual to me.
> 
> ...


I wrote my first post, ran out to pick up my contacts and glasses (yay, vision!), and hit post when I came back, before I read this.

One of the reasons my bisexual DH was perfectly ok with giving up contact with men for life is because he may be physically attracted to some men, but he is not emotionally attracted to them. He's just incapable of forming a deep romantic bond with another man.

Over the years, I have known other bisexuals like him. So, I think the problem may be that you are the kind of bisexual that can have a deep romantic bond with a woman, but are merely physically attracted to men.


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## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

Thank you for your insight. 

And that would mean a more fulfilling relationship would prob be with a woman. Certainly a tough concept for me to digest and accept. 



MJJEAN said:


> ConfusionHasRunRampant said:
> 
> 
> > To be frank, uxorious, I like you! You manage to be honest, but tactful, in your posts. You make me think, while not judging me. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you for that. I like your posts.
> ...


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## uxorious (Nov 25, 2014)

From what you wrote CHRR, it seems to me that for you love and sensuality are totally connected with being with a woman and men are just sex toys or machines. You have been abused by men and maybe for this reason you are unable to connect with men on a deeper level.

In a long term relationship you really need the completeness of love and sensuality. I believe you crave that, and you are not getting that from your marriage. 

This woman that you were in 'love' with for 18 months, did she ever show any signs that she had a romantic interest in you?


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

ConfusionHasRunRampant said:


> He is very controlling, but does it under the guise of being protective. Instead, he infantilizes me and I don't appreciate it.
> I feel like he treats me as his daughter and it causes resentment.


Don't enable it. 

When he says "you are not allowed to watch bisexual porn more than once per month" say "Go fuсk yourself it's not up to you".

See how easy that was?


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@ConfusionHasRunRampant I think he's scared you'll leave him for another woman perhaps. 
I mean why else would a man cut down on his wife watching porn? 
Most men love their wives watching porn (especially girl on girl)
Same with the fantasies, why would he not let you discuss them? 
He's censoring you out of fear that you'll leave him with something he cannot provide you with. 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

There is SO SO SO much wrong with your marriage and it has absolutely NOTHING to do with you being bisexual.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

ConfusionHasRunRampant said:


> I would answer that, if only for the fact that his ED problems go back 10 years and if not, more than that. He never has dealt with it.
> 
> I don't even like getting turned on in the bedroom, because he may or may not be able to get it up.
> *
> It wasn't like that in the beginning. Our sex life wasn't making love, but it wasn't what it is now. It was slower and more tender, but still wouldn't classify it as making love.*


I would describe what you're doing as a CLASSIC rewrite of marital history. You must have thought it was making live or surely you wouldn't have married the guy. 
You're now calling him controlling because he doesn't want to feed your desire to "make love" to another woman???

I believe if your lady friend were to ask you to run away with her tonight, you'd be gone.

Your husband has ED. You have ED of a different sort. Empathy disorder. Your disorder has made your lust for another woman take precedence over the love you apparently had for your husband. Or did you not marry for love?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

Ugh. Yes. You figured me out. I waited for year 15 of being together and year 13 of marriage to find a woman to cheat with. Yes, you figured out my master plan. I knew he'd have to ED, along with other issues, and this is all part of my master plan so I don't feel remorse. But wait, my therapists would say all I'm doing is having guilt and shame over feelings. 
They agree I could never cheat on my husband. 

And then of course, there are 2 ER visits for panic attacks which resulted in $1500 per trip for 4 EKGs, 2 X-rays, 4 blood tests and 2 doses of Ativan. Then there are the therapy bills, and three therapy sessions that I had to run out of because I started to panic and have palpitations. Not to mention the nights crying to my husband, praying it would go away, the three times I've been fall down drunk to ease the pain (and I don't drink) and the depression and anxiety. 

But yeah, you figured me out, although I e been told in my therapy that I need to work on not accepting all the blame and stop shaming and guilting myself. But yeah, you got me. 

Do you think this is fun? Do you think I can control or suppress this? Many days I wish I never met her. My husband isn't driving me away, but he certainly isn't helping. 

Don't you dare have the audacity to tell me what this is to me. Your screen name is fitting. 



Evinrude58 said:


> ConfusionHasRunRampant said:
> 
> 
> > I would answer that, if only for the fact that his ED problems go back 10 years and if not, more than that. He never has dealt with it.
> ...


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## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

Have you been sexually assaulted? Used for sex? Have sex with with 30+ year old men when ur just a kid? Abused by a father? (resulting in me not being emotionally available with my dad, but way too emotional with my mom). 

Are you kidding me? I must have considered it making love? You really think you know what my history with men is like? I'm as emotionally available as I can be for my husband. 

You read a few paragraphs on a forum and tell me I'm re-writing history? You mean like when he and I went to therapy last year and I had to tell the therapist that not only does he not get it up, but that after he turns his back to me, usually without saying a word, and falls asleep???? Or how she told him that he's extremely dismissive or borderline cruel? I dealt with his ED issues in my 20's. I didn't know how to handle it. I just thought you had to deal with it (codependent much)?

9 months of no sex and he didn't complain once. He pretended like it didn't happen. And during that time, I met her. Yes. You got me. 

I don't understand why I'm taking what a stranger is saying, so personally. You're obviously ignorant to my situation, so I should I put any validity in an asinine response? No. So thank you for your opinion, but we will have to agree to disagree. 



Evinrude58 said:


> ConfusionHasRunRampant said:
> 
> 
> > I would answer that, if only for the fact that his ED problems go back 10 years and if not, more than that. He never has dealt with it.
> ...


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

It might be good to find a therapist that not only specializes in, but is very experienced with anger, sexual abuse and sexual trauma victims. From some of the things you have said, and how you have reacted to some of the things others have said, it doesn't seem as if you have progressed very far towards healing from your past, and the kind of work needed I think is way beyond what an internet forum can provide for you.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ConfusionHasRunRampant said:


> Are you into same sex? I'd like help from people who know what I'm talking about. You've stated your point, which reflects the fact that you just don't understand and how could you, possibly, unless you know how I feel?
> 
> I've heard your point of view.


He is talking about committed monogamy.

Everyone has desires and urges, married or not.

Regardless of the gender attraction, keeping your vows is a commitment and choice.

I have a pretty wild past with both sexes but am totally monogamous and committed to my wife.

Just because you are attracted to both genders doesn't make you any different from anyone else when it comes to keeping your vows.

Maybe you don't want to be exclusive with your husband?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S. Your marriage is extremely dysfunctional and your temptation would be normal for anyone in your shoes.

A straight woman would just be tempted by men other than her husband where you can be tempted by women as well.

Sorry for your marital problems.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

Thank you for your feedback. 

My therapist has said I picked someone "safe" in a woman, because a man would have been much easier to accept. 



ConanHub said:


> P.S. Your marriage is extremely dysfunctional and your temptation would be normal for anyone in your shoes.
> 
> A straight woman would just be tempted by men other than her husband where you can be tempted by women as well.
> 
> ...


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## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

I really don't know if she felt for me like I felt for her. She was always staring at my breasts, she was worse than a man. 

Our friendship was more like a relationship with its emotional intensity. She is ask emotionally unavailable and we have a few "fights."

Still, when she paid me that attention- by staring at my breasts- it made me uncomfortable. I placed my hands over my chest by propping them on the table. We are also very standoffish of each other, going out of our way to avoid touching. We go to the movies and both rush to put the divider down, sit with our bodies in opposite directions and it seems as if we both strive to avoid physical contact. I've never been like that with anyone else. 

Our friendship ends after I cancel plans on her. The feelings are too intense for me to handle and overwhelm me. I was looking for a way out the entire time because the emotions were too deep. She unfriends me on Facebook and doesn't speak to me again. Even though I knew she would unfriend me by cancelling on her, the pain is palpable and I am experiencing a loss. 
I go back to her a couple of months later, apologizing, asking for her friendship back...but she never answers me. She leaves me there. For two months I wait for her, until I realize that this isn't good for me, so I block her on Facebook, remove all evidence of her from my phone, and begin to slowly move on. 

After 8 months of silence, 7 months of my last email to her, and 5 months of her being blocked on Facebook, she contacts me. But it isn't to me. It's an accident. 

I am confused and hurt. Confused as to why my contact info is still on her phone and I've long since deleted her. Actually, she was blocked on my cell phone until only 3 days prior when I thought I was nearly over her and decided to unblock her because I never thought she would text me. 

Other than her, I'm not attracted to anyone and the confusing part of it is, ever since she text messages, those sexual and romantic feelings have gone away. I don't know what to do with that. 

I'm just so confused. 



uxorious said:


> From what you wrote CHRR, it seems to me that for you love and sensuality are totally connected with being with a woman and men are just sex toys or machines. You have been abused by men and maybe for this reason you are unable to connect with men on a deeper level.
> 
> In a long term relationship you really need the completeness of love and sensuality. I believe you crave that, and you are not getting that from your marriage.
> 
> This woman that you were in 'love' with for 18 months, did she ever show any signs that she had a romantic interest in you?


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## woodyh (Oct 23, 2015)

CHHR,

From your original post, you said you weren't asking to cheat etc., but what would it be like, more like fantasy. Most everyone has fantasies and I think in a great marriage, you should be able to share those fantasies.
Your partner might not like them as well as you, but it should be ok to share or even act them out with your partner.

As far as actually trying something with another woman, that is between you and your husband, but what would it be like?

I worked with a woman for 20 years that was married and bi. We had lunch together all the time and she shared about being bi. Her husband either knew before they were married or right after. He didn't participate and had a rule that if the woman was married or had a bf, not threesomes etc. No sex with other men. She didn't allow him to watch either.

She said it was different than being with a man, her escapades were long afternoons, trading massages, cuddling, stroking. Sometimes they did each other's hair or even went shopping and did other things.
She said if the had to choose being with a man or a woman, she would choose a man, but it only about 60% man, 40% woman. She had been with several women over the years, one for several years.
I always liked hearing her talk about it of course!


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

It sounds to me like your husband is very insecure, selfish in that he won't address his ED and intimacy issues, and this has led you to being lonely and sexually frustrated. Your attraction to another woman only feeds into his insecurity, making it even more difficult for him to address his personal issues. Unless your husband can address his ED issues, I can't see your marriage being anything but sexless, and undoubtedly will end up in divorce..., eventually. I think his intimacy issues can be worked on IF his ED issues are corrected.

I say, for the sake of your marriage, that he will absolutely HAVE to fix the ED issues. He needs to make an appointment with a doctor pronto. It's NOT normal for a man in his 20s, or even his 30s, to have a complete lack of libido.

His personal health is at stake here, not to mention his marriage. I'm pretty sure it would be much easier for you to get over this other woman IF he were there for you physically and emotionally.

It's not that unusual for a woman to be "attracted" to another woman, or another man, for that matter, especially when their needs are not being met at home. Loneliness can make a person very vulnerable.

Now that you've opened up with this fantasy about being with another woman, he is feeling completely helpless knowing he can't possibly fill that desire. He is detaching himself because of it, and trying to keep himself from the pain of possibly losing you. His trying to control your desire is a part of his lack of it.

He can't possibly move forward in your relationship unless he fixes his personal issues. You have to have his back right now if you want your marriage to work. Insist he have blood tests run to see if there is an underlying health condition for his ED, and have it addressed accordingly. If it's psychological, that can be treated, too. The thing is, you will have to consistently reassure him that you are there for him, and that you would never act on your attraction to other people. He is the ONE person that you need to be with right now, and his lack of desire is the main cause of your wayward thinking.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You are right, I don't know your history, and how you feel as a result.
I think I don't have any perspective on this, since I've never experienced such things. I am sincerely sorry that I posted on your thread. 

I do hope you find happiness and if that's with another woman, I don't see that as a horrible thing.

There's no doubt in my mind, however, that you are headed toward divorce. That's not necessarily a negative thing. I hope your counseling helps you get to a place of peace.
Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

Evin, we are cool. It is what it is. I have been told "how to feel" or "how I'm wrong" by men, all of my life. 

It's a trigger for me to be told exactly what I'm going through when some of the facts are merely facts. Not something I am re-writing or misconstruing. 

I was assaulted by a male member of my family last year after I defended myself when he told me how to behave. He's a bit chauvinistic and narcissistic. 

Men, telling me how it is, is a trigger for me. Even more so when I know for certain the way things transpired. 

Is the state of my marriage all of my husband's fault? Heck no. I share culpability in this. No doubt. 

Alas, this is a cluster mess of feelings and emotions and very hard for me to sort through. 

Poor marriage, anxiety, fears, phobias, panic attacks...that's the least of what has come to the surface in all of this as I attempt to wade through the waters. 

Thank you for your follow up reply. It is much appreciated. 



Evinrude58 said:


> You are right, I don't know your history, and how you feel as a result.
> I think I don't have any perspective on this, since I've never experienced such things. I am sincerely sorry that I posted on your thread.
> 
> I do hope you find happiness and if that's with another woman, I don't see that as a horrible thing.
> ...


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## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

I just don't know if there is any amount of reassurance in the world I can provide that will be sufficient for my husband. 

His insecurity goes way back. Last year we had bad fights over me watching a Raiders game (he assumed I must have been talking to a man who was also a fan of the Raiders. No man in particular, he was just "insecure" he said) and on another occasion, when I sat next to a male cousin at a party (I have no idea why this was a problem for him, he never really explained). 

Yesterday, we went to dinner and accused me is staring at someone behind me, but there wasn't anyone there. "Who do you keep staring at?" He said. 

Last week on my way to therapy, I was walking down a major street in Souther California when a guy pulled over in his car and asked if I needed a ride. I said no, he nodded and left. Later, I told my husband that "my weight loss must be working" as a joke...he hung up on me and told me to enjoy the mans compliment. 

I have lost about 40 pounds and a few more to lose, but def get much more attention now. I also want to get a breast lift and have "porn star boobs." When I told me husband, he wanted to know if he would still be in the "picture or not."


He's very jealous and insecure. Obviously, this has made it worse.


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## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

Excuse the typos.


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## guy74 (Dec 24, 2015)

ConfusionHasRunRampant said:


> To those of you whom are bisexual, does your spouse let you talk about your fantasies or watch porn? Any other ways to release that desire?
> 
> I indulge my husband on whatever he desires, but I do not feel like he does the same for me.



I am going to be honest here, I am bisexual and it sounds like your H is a very insecure and jealous person.

I watch any porn I prefer and my wife has accepted it. She watches what she prefers as well. Neither of these changes the fact that we're with each other and only each other.

I fantasize a lot, usually when masturbating or sleeping at night, dreaming.


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## guy74 (Dec 24, 2015)

btterflykisses said:


> Why do you need to watch porn? Is this just lust?



Sounds as if they both watch porn, he just controls her to only watching hetero porn. 



> You know he loves you by his protective behavior toward you.



I think this is a very flawed line of thinking.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I think the bisexuality stuff and the insecurity stuff are two different issues. Related, but different.

Many -- if not most -- of the women I've been with long enough to get really deep into fantasies and porn and whatnot have expressed enjoyment of girl/girl porn and fantasies about being with a woman, or a FFM 3-some, or both. A few had been with other women and they enjoyed it. Most hadn't and probably never would.

I would go so far as to call those fantasies totally normal and a non-issue and does not trigger any kind of insecurity in me. Just like I don't think it should trigger insecurity in a woman if a guy professes a fantasy about being in a 3-some, either.

Now, acting and doing are two entirely different things and that should be clear.


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## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

I told my husband Im going to masturbate on occasion to the girl-on-girl porn. I have a much higher drive than he does. Maybe we'll have sex once a week or attempt at
2x's per week (there's always a 50/50 chance if he will be able to get and sustain an erection) but that isn't enough for me and plenty of enough for him. 

When I told him, he shuts down and gets quiet and weird. Then I feel bad. Ugh...


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## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

Deleted. Double post


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

ConfusionHasRunRampant said:


> Are you into same sex? I'd like help from people who know what I'm talking about. You've stated your point, which reflects the fact that you just don't understand and how could you, possibly, unless you know how I feel?
> 
> I've heard your point of view.


Bisexual here. I'm with S. Make the rules together (what is this "allow" business) but follow them.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I'm guessing it's sexless like most marriages. Just sexless with twice as many partners.


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## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

Lol!!


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