# Helpful or Controlling?



## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

I need a quick reality check. 

For the last 7 months I've been dating a very sweet man who is kind, thoughtful, and easy-going. He is very attentive...in fact, too attentive at times. I get flowers every week (even though I've told him I don't care for flowers), he literally runs to open doors, and he wants to pay for everything, even though I've asked that we share expenses. I've had to very firmly refuse some offers of very expensive gifts (I'm talking $1,000 ski boots), because I don't feel it is appropriate to give gifts of that magnitude, especially at this early phase of the relationship. 

Lately he's become obsessed with "fixing" things around my house. I don't ask him to fix anything; in fact, these are generally things that don't bother me (leaves piled up in the yard, shelves needing paint, etc.). But he will see something and decide it needs fixing. I've politely asked him not to do that and explained that he doesn't have to prove anything to me. He insists that he's just trying to help and that he likes to keep busy but there's a part of me that resents this. The implication is that there are all of these things in my life that are "wrong" that need to be "fixed". I've told him repeatedly that, while I appreciate his thoughtfulness, if I need help I will most certainly ask for it (I would), but that he does not need to constantly be helping me. His response..."I want to be needed, and if you need me then you'll stay with me."

Am I the only one who finds this type of behavior to be just a little bit controlling and kind of ridiculous (if I didn't want to be with him, no amount of raking my leaves would change my mind)? If the tables were turned, wouldn't a man find this type of behavior in a woman somewhat controlling and smothering (e.g., excessively buying gifts, tending to his every need, "helping" him improve his wardrobe)?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> ..."I want to be needed, and if you need me then you'll stay with me."


I say not helpful at all. And kinda creepy. Controlling? Yes. He wants you to be dependant upon him. He prefers a needy woman, which looks like isn't you.

I think I would be distancing myself from him. 7 months is long enough to know if it's a true match or not, and it sounds like it's not a match.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It sounds like the way he shows affection and love is through acts.

Is he in anyway feeling insecure? Like he needs to earn your affection?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> It sounds like the way he shows affection and love is through acts.
> 
> Is he in anyway feeling insecure? Like he needs to earn your affection?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If he's feeling insecure, it's his own issue. I've given him absolutely no reason to feel that way. In fact, I've been open, honest, transparent, and warm to him. No mixed messages (because I've been treated that way in the past, I've been very cognizant of NOT doing that to another person), and no game playing. He's kind of a shy guy by nature though, and I'm much more outgoing and independent. He's definitely not a confident charmer type, so maybe he feels that this is the only way he can "win" me. Still, I can't help but feel manipulated a bit.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Myopia1964 said:


> If he's feeling insecure, it's his own issue. I've given him absolutely no reason to feel that way. In fact, I've been open, honest, transparent, and warm to him.


If this is truly the case, then why is what he is doing bugging you? Why do you feel you need to post this on a forum of strangers? In fact, why aren't you being "honest" and "transparent" enough that he isn't getting the message clearly?



Myopia1964 said:


> I can't help but feel manipulated a bit.


You are a strong woman, but if you are as strong as you claim to be, there is absolutely no way whatsoever this guy would be manipulating you. We only get manipulated when we allow it, or are falling for it before we realize what we've stepped into.

Just flat out tell him to quit doing what he is doing. Sure, his feelings will get hurt, but do you want to put up with something that is apparently annoying the heck out of you, or do you want him to back off? Your life. Your choice.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Send him my way. I have so much to be done around here :lol:

Jokes aside, 7 months into it is not too early but if you're telling him you dont want this and he keeps doing it, then he's just....being weird and this would push me away IF i wasn't into these things.

My husband is a "doer" like your bf. He shows his love through acts of service...but never said he wants to be needed so I never leave him. I just know that he expresses himself through being thoughtful.


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## Wheels65 (Jul 17, 2011)

Maybe this behavior stems from his upbringing. Have you met his parents?


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> Why do you feel you need to post this on a forum of strangers? In fact, why aren't you being "honest" and "transparent" enough that he isn't getting the message clearly?


I have been transparent and honest with him...in fact I've told him repeatedly (clearly, but in a gentle way) to back off a little, but he just looks at me like I have another head growing out of my shoulder. I can't answer your question about why he isn't getting the message, other than that he must think that being a fixer is the only role a man plays and I must be crazy not to like that.

Like you and every other poster here, I asked my question in this forum because I needed an objective opinion. I wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable or ungrateful. Didn't think I was, but I've been in situations before where men questioned my right to make decisions for myself, so I tend to doubt myself. 



Prodigal said:


> Just flat out tell him to quit doing what he is doing. Sure, his feelings will get hurt, but do you want to put up with something that is apparently annoying the heck out of you, or do you want him to back off? Your life. Your choice.


Like I said above...I have told him, kindly but firmly, several times. But there's a part of me that thinks I should just shut up and be grateful. Unfortunately, that's the same part of me that has refused to stand up to controlling men in the past. You're right, it's my life and my choice. If he hears what I say but continues to ignore my requests, then I guess that's a good sign that I should move on.


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

Wheels65 said:


> Maybe this behavior stems from his upbringing. Have you met his parents?


I have never met his parents, so I can't tell you what kind of relationship he has with them. But I've met many of his friends, and he's well liked and respected. I do think he's a good guy. That's why I'm questioning myself I guess. My honest opinion is that he's insecure. He is definitely not Mr. Personality, and I think he feels that the only thing he has to offer me is being helpful and a good provider. Which is kind of sad and pathetic and, ironically, doesn't increase his attractiveness in my eyes. He even went so far as to try to tempt me with his pension. He's 54 and will retire in a few years. He made a point of telling me that "hypothetically" if we ever married, I could access his pension when he dies. I am financially independent and I was stunned that he would literally dangle this as a carrot in front of me. I told him that I would never consider marrying a man for money and that his financial situation was none of my business (as I don't believe mine his his business). Am I way off base here? Or do only needy, dependent women succeed in relationships?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Now you gotta be firm. Be straightforward and very firm.

If he STILL doesnt get it...then change your number...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

LOL And what do you mean, "Do only needy, dependent women succeed in relationships?" No, it's not just the needy and dependent ones. Actually, those types don't succeed at all normally...needy and dependent is NOT attractive.

You just need to find a man whom is more compatible. SO far, he's showing he's not a good listener, nor does he care about your feelings (if you have told him as you say). He's doing these things so you don't leave him, which makes them selfishly done, imo.


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

that_girl said:


> LOL And what do you mean, "Do only needy, dependent women succeed in relationships?" No, it's not just the needy and dependent ones. Actually, those types don't succeed at all normally...needy and dependent is NOT attractive


I totally agree...which is why I said that (sarcasm probably doesn't translate well in message boards!). The funny thing is that he was married once before to a woman who sat back and let him take care of her financially. She worked a professional job but kept all her money and he paid the bills (at least this is his story). Then she cheated on him with a cabinetmaker who was working in their home and tried to take his last dime during the divorce. Seems like he would have learned his lesson about setting boundaries with women and not setting himself up. I've actually told him he should be more careful about how much information he shares.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Myopia1964 said:


> If the tables were turned, wouldn't a man find this type of behavior in a woman somewhat controlling and smothering (e.g., excessively buying gifts, tending to his every need, "helping" him improve his wardrobe)?


Not sure that most men would have much problem with this. Whether it is done by a male or female, my observations have been that this situation usually turns out bad for the giver.

I know controlling is a label of choice, but imho, disregarding your wishes, engaging in conflict or providing services in spite of your protest is disrespectful. When you say "no", he should accept your wishes and move on to another subject.

When I was dating back in the days before I met my wife, I would often take out the trash at women's homes when I was invited over. Although I've been called controlling more times than I can count, the only reason I did this was because I didn't like looking at overflowing waste. I don't remember any protest. I also replaced furnace filters.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Myopia1964 said:


> If he's feeling insecure, it's his own issue. I've given him absolutely no reason to feel that way. In fact, I've been open, honest, transparent, and warm to him. No mixed messages (because I've been treated that way in the past, I've been very cognizant of NOT doing that to another person), and no game playing. He's kind of a shy guy by nature though, and I'm much more outgoing and independent. He's definitely not a confident charmer type, so maybe he feels that this is the only way he can "win" me. Still, I can't help but feel manipulated a bit.


Sometimes people who have gravitated to partners in the past who are emotionally distant find it difficult to be with a more giving, loving person. You may be the sort who says they want a loving, attentive guy but when you get one, you are turned off. But you are turned on by the guy who makes you pursue him. 

That may not be the case, but it might be worth thinking about. Our lack of ability to RECEIVE love is a form of commitment phobia. They are often the pursuers in the relationship. So when that dynamic is reversed, it feels suffocating and unattractive.

However, it may also just be that this man is jumping through hoops to win you because that is his MO. Once he has you, he may cool off. Guys who put on the full court press early in a relationship often turn out to be men with commitment issues, too. They only desire women then feel like they have to work to get but get bored once they "catch" them.

Only you know what feels right to you. If you have asked him to back off and he has ignored your requests, to me that is a huge red flag, indicating a lack of boundaries on his part and a lack of respect for you as a person.

I am just throwing out some different theories because it could be any number of things going on.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

It sounds only a matter of time (once all your shelves are painted and your yard is leaf-free) that he'll be able to help fix you and 'just try to help you out.' Whether you need it or not.

You've sent clear messages to this guy and he doesn't seem to be getting it. He is ignoring your boundaries ('leave my house alone') and if he doesn't get this, I can only see it getting worse. Some of these postings seem to be turning this back on you - which I don't understand. Just MHO.


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Not sure that most men would have much problem with this. Whether it is done by a male or female, my observations have been that this situation usually turns out bad for the giver.
> 
> I know controlling is a label of choice, but imho, disregarding your wishes, engaging in conflict or providing services in spite of your protest is disrespectful. When you say "no", he should accept your wishes and move on to another subject.
> 
> When I was dating back in the days before I met my wife, I would often take out the trash at women's homes when I was invited over. Although I've been called controlling more times than I can count, the only reason I did this was because I didn't like looking at overflowing waste. I don't remember any protest. I also replaced furnace filters.


Hi Ten_Year,

Thanks for the response...I do appreciate your personal insight. I think that is a very good example. While you might not think taking out someone's trash (unasked) is a problem, I actually view it as slightly controlling behavior. Why should it matter to you how someone else lives their lives? Just because another person has a different standard of living from you doesn't mean that entitles you to pass judgment and attempt to "fix" the situtation. Imposing your standards of orderliness or cleanliness on another person without being asked to do so is a value judgment and a control issue, it is NOT being helpful. If you did that to me I would view it as a statement that I don't live up to your expectations, or that I am somehow helpless and weak because I can't do it myself.

I have a nice, quaint, older home that I absolutely love. Because it is a 50 year old house, it inevitably has quirks. I keep a neat house but I'm not obsessive. Some people absolutely LOVE to do home improvement projects. I find that type of thing tedious and dull. I can walk by a crack in the plaster every day and never notice it. My house is not falling down around my ears, and that's good enough for me. 

How another person chooses to live their own life is their choice. It's not my place to comment or "help" them change, simply because I think my way is better. I feel like, if a person is so uptight that they can't accept my personality differences without trying to "fix" me or make me into a more suitable partner, then they are controlling. I would never dream of waltzing into a man's home and hanging new curtains because I prefer pink and I think his color scheme is "wrong". That would be pretty arrogant.

The thing is, there is a lot of variation in the way people live their lives and there's no right or wrong way to do most things. My idea of what's acceptable may not be the same for another person. I frankly think that my boyfriend is way too uptight about stupid things and needs to relax a little. I stopped being so anal about ridiculous petty things after my daughter's cancer diagnosis. I really had no choice; when you're stuck in the hospital for weeks on end, you can't obsess over whether your lawn is overgrown and it really doesn't matter anyway in the grand scheme of things. Letting go did wonders for my stress level.


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> Sometimes people who have gravitated to partners in the past who are emotionally distant find it difficult to be with a more giving, loving person. You may be the sort who says they want a loving, attentive guy but when you get one, you are turned off. But you are turned on by the guy who makes you pursue him.
> 
> That may not be the case, but it might be worth thinking about. Our lack of ability to RECEIVE love is a form of commitment phobia. They are often the pursuers in the relationship. So when that dynamic is reversed, it feels suffocating and unattractive.
> 
> ...



Sorry, I don't equate loving and attentive with smothering or controlling. In fact, I think many women confuse this issue and then end up with men who are abusive (e.g., "he must love me soooo much and want to protect me because he wants to keep me from having ANY contact with other men"). I know I have in the past. Lot's of people use the "I love you and therefore know what's best for you" excuse to control other people. 

If a man really loves me, then he'll respect me for who I am (quirks and all), and not projects on to me his image of what he wants in a woman. I get a little tired of the accusation that if I obect to a person being controlling, then I must just like to be with jerks? Why can't there just be a happy medium?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Myopia1964 said:


> Hi Ten_Year,
> 
> Thanks for the response...I do appreciate your personal insight. I think that is a very good example. While you might not think taking out someone's trash (unasked) is a problem, I actually view it as slightly controlling behavior. Why should it matter to you how someone else lives their lives? Just because another person has a different standard of living from you doesn't mean that entitles you to pass judgment and attempt to "fix" the situtation. Imposing your standards of orderliness or cleanliness on another person without being asked to do so is a value judgment and a control issue, it is NOT being helpful. If you did that to me I would view it as a statement that I don't live up to your expectations, or that I am somehow helpless and weak because I can't do it myself.
> 
> ...


Cool. What is to be considered controlling is always in the value system of the person making the judgement. Some people's value systems are not going to be compatible with others without some personal effort.

Volunteering to help someone is not typically meant to express a desire to pass judgement and fix a situation although it can obviously be interpreted that way. I would find this interpretation to be the result of miscommunication and needing to be reconciled. I find that I am often misunderstood, with about the same frequency that I misunderstand others. I accept this as a part of connecting with people and try to rectify the misunderstanding in order to connect. But that's just me, everyone needs to decide for themselves whether to respond positively or negatively to other people's actions and how much effort they are willing to put into resolving misunderstandings.


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> I would find this interpretation to be the result of miscommunication and needing to be reconciled. I find that I am often misunderstood, with about the same frequency that I misunderstand others. I accept this as a part of connecting with people and try to rectify the misunderstanding in order to connect.


Excellent point and very well stated! The real test of a relationship is in how people communicate and negotiate around their differences. Sometimes it can be done successfully and sometimes it can't.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> Sometimes people who have gravitated to partners in the past who are emotionally distant find it difficult to be with a more giving, loving person. You may be the sort who says they want a loving, attentive guy but when you get one, you are turned off. But you are turned on by the guy who makes you pursue him.
> 
> That may not be the case, but it might be worth thinking about. Our lack of ability to RECEIVE love is a form of commitment phobia. They are often the pursuers in the relationship. So when that dynamic is reversed, it feels suffocating and unattractive.


Interesting post. I like it.

Myopia--I would be really happy if I met a guy who did all that. That sounds awesome (to me). 

If it bothers you, talk to him again about how it makes you feel. Stress your boundaries.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I suppose I'm more disturbed with his thought process. Why he's doing the things he does has nothing to do with you, it's to keep his world in tact. 

Telling you he wants to be needed is one thing. Telling you he wants you to need him so that you'll stay with him is a different animal altogether.


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## JustAMan2 (Oct 28, 2011)

jayde said:


> It sounds only a matter of time (once all your shelves are painted and your yard is leaf-free) that he'll be able to help fix you and 'just try to help you out.' Whether you need it or not.
> 
> You've sent clear messages to this guy and he doesn't seem to be getting it. He is ignoring your boundaries ('leave my house alone') and if he doesn't get this, I can only see it getting worse. Some of these postings seem to be turning this back on you - which I don't understand. Just MHO.


:iagree:

Listen to Jayde...and your gut. You've told him to back off and he refuses.

This is only going to get worse. If it annoyed you, you told him to back off and HE DID that would be different. This is a man who just doesn't "GET IT" and doesn't seem to want too.

It will only annoy you more as time goes on. It's best to end it now.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Myopia1964 said:


> Sorry, I don't equate loving and attentive with smothering or controlling. In fact, I think many women confuse this issue and then end up with men who are abusive (e.g., "he must love me soooo much and want to protect me because he wants to keep me from having ANY contact with other men"). I know I have in the past. Lot's of people use the "I love you and therefore know what's best for you" excuse to control other people.
> 
> If a man really loves me, then he'll respect me for who I am (quirks and all), and not projects on to me his image of what he wants in a woman. I get a little tired of the accusation that if I obect to a person being controlling, then I must just like to be with jerks? Why can't there just be a happy medium?


No need to get defensive. I was merely suggesting different interpretations of the situation. 

I have news for you. Most people project onto their mate. It is inevitable at the beginning of a relationship and often for several years until you really get into the nitty gritty. But that's another post.

In no way did I "accuse" you of being wrong for objecting to being controlled. But I don't know if you are being controlled. As TenYearHubby said, defining what is controlling is often a matter of what a person values. What may feel controlling or manipulative to you may seem great to someone else. 

Maybe I touched a nerve?? Being in relationship means giving and receiving. You may feel more comfortable giving than receiving. Or not. This guy may be trying to win you over in the only way he knows how. In a way, it's a waste of time for us to speculate when we aren't in the relationship and are only hearing a snippet from your perspective.

To be honest, all that really matters is what you want. If his behavior turns you off, and he doesn't change, you can dump him. You can only be controlled and manipulated if you allow it to happen.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

tell him in baby speak how it makes you feel, how you percieve it, and how it affects your opinion of him. if he still does it, move on, he is incapable of respecting your wishes and boundaries. he may have all good intentions and just doesnt realize that it makes him unnatractive. if you flat out tell him that it makes him look pathetic he may back off. just out of curiosity, is he a self made man from a poor background? i only ask because i was the same way before i joined the army. i grew up with a 100 year old wood burning stove in florida in a trailer that was falling apart and often didnt have electricity. by my first year after graduating highschool, i had a stable job and a business on the side. i made four times the money in one week that both my parents made in two months, combined. for some reason, only God knows, i thought that all women wanted a man to lavish them with gifts, money and favors. took a near death experience to make me look at myself and see how pathetic i was.


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

As'laDain said:


> just out of curiosity, is he a self made man from a poor background?


Interesting that you ask...yes he is. I wouldn't say a "poor" background, but definitely a humble one. He worked against the odds to get a Master's degree (without any recognization or approval from his parents for his achievements) and now is in management at a scientific laboratory making a great salary. But I think he's felt like he had to prove himself over and over again and maybe lacks some confidence. I also think he's somewhat naive about what women want, which is odd because he's in his 50s. 

What kind of near death experience did you have and how did that make you more self-aware?


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

i was working for the university of florida on their research dairy farm and fell into a wier-ditch(sp?), basicaly a deep channel filled with cow waste. i was not able to swim through it because it was thick and filled with methane foam bubbles for the top 6 feet. i passed out and inhaled a lot of methane. a cooworker managed to pull me out and evacuate my lungs before i died.

i would tell him in no uncertain terms how it makes _you feel. its funny how guys get this idea locked into their heads. it is very possible that he was told a lot in the past that that is what was expected or needed from him, but for me, it was something i had lived without growing up. i knew how the "otherside" lived and thought that money and gifts were the best thing i had to offer. it wasnt untill i almost died, after i had already become quite successful, that i started to think about what i really want in life. it wasnt money, money came easily enough to me. i started looking at things i enjoy, started thinking about what i where i wanted my life to go. the girl was not onboard with my dreams. i found myself dismissing my dreams and ideas because i knew she wouldnt like them. that was when i left and isolated myself in a swamp to give myself time do decide who i really want to be. when i came out, i gave up the business and the job and set conditions for the girl. she had to get off drugs. she refused to, so i left her and joined the army. im glad i did. 

anyway, he obviously wants to please you, so tell him how it makes you feel. he might actually "get it" that way. that is, if you havent already. if you have continuously told him such things when you tell him to stop, move on, he isnt in a position to change._


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

As'laDain,

Thank you SO much for sharing your personal experience! You are lucky you had this revelation early on in your life...many people never become so self-aware and struggle for years with unhappiness.

I'm beginning to think I'm dealing with the Nice Guy Syndrome here. The other day, when I firmly (one again) told him that I do not need his help around my house and do not want him to try to fix me or my life, he spent an entire day sulking. He tried to tell me that he wouldn't have done any of those things if I hadn't wanted him to. This is a total fabrication...what really happened is he begged and pleaded for me to give him a project because he liked to "stay busy." He insisted there had to be something around my house that needed fixing and when I (exasperated) finally said, "well, of course there is, it's an old house and needs painting," he jumped on that and started painting. This twisting the truth to make me look like the bad guy was a huge red flag for me. Seems very manipulative and passive aggressive.

After a day of sulking he came back to me and told me he was hurt. He said that "helping" is part of his nature and that I should just accept that about him. I reminded him that unsolicited help is not always welcome and sometimes resented, and that he should respect my requests. This "caretaking" tendency of his is starting to look very calculating and controlling. It makes me wonder if this is how he expects to have reciprocity in relationships. Then if a woman doesn't fall all over herself to appreciate him, he blames her for being cold and b!tchy. This is exactly what he's done with women in his past...he's either been with independent women who he hasn't been able to control (those are the ones he thinks are cold and *****y) or "projects" who he thinks need his help. One of his ex girlfriends (the one who he nearly married) had credit card debt, but he couldn't get her to "see the error of her ways" after repeatedly trying to give her advice and solutions so he left her. 

I seem to have chosen variations of the Nice Guy off and on for years (my ex husband of 18 years was like this) and this seems to be classic behavior. I've been reading excerpts from the Nice Guy book and he fits the profile. He even told me that, if I don't like to be smothered by attention, it must be because I love jerks. As the book points out, this is black and white thinking...there's another option besides smothering and jerky. This is classic blameshifting and playing the victim. After all, if a man fails with this Nice Guy approach, then it must be the woman's fault.

When I was going through my period of self-reflection, I did a lot of reading about co-dependency. One thing I learned about myself was that I was engaging in co-dependent behaviors because of a need to control, not because I was the wonderful, altruistic, caring person. I wanted to give in order to get. I had to face this embarrassing fact about myself, and it WAS embarrassing...and painful to admit that a lot of my relationship problems were my fault.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Myopia1964 said:


> I totally agree...which is why I said that (sarcasm probably doesn't translate well in message boards!). The funny thing is that he was married once before to a woman who sat back and let him take care of her financially. She worked a professional job but kept all her money and he paid the bills (at least this is his story). Then she cheated on him with a cabinetmaker who was working in their home and tried to take his last dime during the divorce. Seems like he would have learned his lesson about setting boundaries with women and not setting himself up. I've actually told him he should be more careful about how much information he shares.


He may have found comfort and safety in that relationship until she broke the contract and cheated. If he's come to terms with the fact that she cheated because of her, and not him, then he likely would be happy to a return to his old dynamic - minus the cheating woman part.


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

In truth, the "Nice Guy Syndrome" is simply co-dependency described in gender-specific terms. I dislike that the book points the finger of blame (ironically, a form of blameshifting by the author) at the women's movement and feminism and the female dominated education system (get real!), but all of the classic symptoms of co-dependency are contained there. This shouldn't be based on gender, it's a tendency that many of us have (male or female) and that keeps us in unsatisfying relationships.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

i dont think he is in a position to change his ways. i had to isolate myself from everyone for three months before i could even tell the girl i was dating no. i will say this though, it probably is true that he feels that he HAS to be doing something. that isnt the problem i see. he doesnt just view it as work, he is connecting it to the relationship. his thougts seem to be the more he works, the better off he will be in the relationship. he thinks that way, which tells me he wont change.


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

He sounds like a nice guy phony loser creep to me. 

I hate that form of assinine and totally transparent manipulation.

Nice guy crap is an insult to the recipients intelligence.

What worse is he is dense. 

You told him to knock it off and he wont. 

If you dont like it then who is he doing it for? Answer himself

Apparantly he doesnt respect when you say no.

Thats scary

Run before he blows a gasket


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My husband was like that when we dated. But I accepted the help. The day we got married all that good help stopped.


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