# The emptiness of casual sex



## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

I've been dating almost continuously since maybe 2 months after my divorce. I have no desire to fall in love with anyone, but I miss female company, not just sex, although that's definitely a part of it. I'm always upfront with women, let them know that I just want a once or twice a week thing and am not looking for anything serious. 

I always date one person at a time, and have met many really great women. Thing is, I find it to be pretty empty. It's great to have someone to have fun with, go to dinner, see a band, and maybe end up in bed, but it's unsatisfying. 

I'm thinking that I'm going to take a dating break until I can open myself up to falling in love again. I'm still attached to my old life, haven't broken away from it, and am afraid to open my heart up again. But this casual dating stuff isn't doing it for me, got to do some more work on myself.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Good move. It is way too soon for you.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

_Good move. It is way too soon for you_


Yeah, you're right, I'm finally facing that fact.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

maincourse99 said:


> _Good move. It is way too soon for you_
> 
> 
> Yeah, you're right, I'm finally facing that fact.


And this is just A OK. It is hard post divorce that is for sure but it does get better and IME it then gets way better than life pre divorce, just give it the time and healing required.

If you want a good book to read on healing post divorce try "Spiritual Divorce" by Debbie Ford. I'm not a God person so just skipped past any references to God but overall the message was a good one for me and really helped heal. I did not date for 12 months post separation and by the time I got back out into the world I was reading to hit it full on.

No right or wrong here, just put yourself first and do what is best for you. All the best to you


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I went through this same thing just took me longer to figure it out than you did friend. Take the time you need dating will still be here when you get back.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

I made an even bigger mistake when I got in a relationship after 2 months of a heartbreaking divorce (cheated on).

Frankly, it has really held me back from healing and progressing.

Doing what you are doing is fine, but I think you can be happier just learning to be with and love yourself again.

Spend more time with good mates.

I have also been reading a lot lately about how you need to understand and love yourself before you can feel and love someone else. This is starting to make a lot of sense to me and I wish I had thought about it a lot earlier.

Perhaps check out innerbonding.com. It might help point you in the right direction for the next phase of your life.

Good luck.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Excellent move! 

By the very same token, you really wouldn't want to accidentally impregnate someone that you had absolutely no emotional feelings for!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

poida said:


> Frankly, it has really held me back from healing and progressing.


P rather than look at it as something that held you back, why not look at as something that actually propelled you forward. Had you not had the rebound relationship, you probably would never have recognized some of the things that you feel and hence never knew you needed to recover and heal from them in the first place. The experience of the rebound and/or the breakup, opened your eyes to things you needed to work on. You may never have had that experience otherwise.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Ynot said:


> P rather than look at it as something that held you back, why not look at as something that actually propelled you forward. Had you not had the rebound relationship, you probably would never have recognized some of the things that you feel and hence never knew you needed to recover and heal from them in the first place. The experience of the rebound and/or the breakup, opened your eyes to things you needed to work on. You may never have had that experience otherwise.


That is true is some respects and not true in other respects.

It has helped me see where I am deficient in feeling adult love as you suggest but it also held me back in healing my scars from my wife.

What has really helped very recently was some of Margaret Paul's work. She has helped me re-define love from a childish need to an adult respect and exchange of feelings. And to look past the concious thought and let the sub-concious do it's thing.

I'm still on the roundabout of emotions but today I feel like my GF and I could go the whole way. I'm really starting to open up to her now and she is morphing for me. :grin2:

I even found myself thinking this morning, for something I wanted so much (to feel in love), I sure did a good job blocking myself from ever having that opportunity.

I was blocking myself the whole time... lol.... :slap:


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

poida said:


> That is true is some respects and not true in other respects.
> 
> It has helped me see where I am deficient in feeling adult love as you suggest but it also held me back in healing my scars from my wife.
> 
> ...


P I know how you feel. I had a rebound relationship as well. When it was over I felt like every scab had been torn off the wound again. But in hindsight, the whole reason I fell into the relationship was exactly because I hadn't healed from my ex yet. 

I can't say that I have yet either and it has been several months since the rebound fell apart. However, it did make me realize some deficiencies I had as well. Rather than look at as delaying the healing, I feel it hastened the process because it brought me another lesson to learn from the pain.

I too did a lot of blocking. I realize now that my self esteem had fallen so low, some of it due to things she said and did, and some of it due to things that I allowed to happen to me. I didn't have the self esteem to pursue my interests. I didn't have the self esteem to overcome my fears. I allowed my fears to dominate me and my life. I became negative and depressed. I was not an attractive partner and I cannot blame her for giving up on me when I had already given up on myself.

The end of the rebound forced me to face some issues I had been in denial about as well as some I was desperate not to face. I am healing now (SLOWLY) but I am healing just the same. I now know some areas to work on. I am doing things for me now, instead of to show her or because she would have wanted it.


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## BoyScout (Feb 6, 2015)

Just had a sister of a friend who lives in a city I frequently visit offer herself as a FWB. The first time was amazing. Now I see that is what she wants long term but I aspire to much more. That relationship would be my boat anchor.


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