# My wife cheated. I never forgave her...19 years later



## mudkicker (Mar 10, 2013)

Hi everyone. I dont know where else to turn. I have no family I can talk to and my wife and I are in dire dire straits. I need to unload. My marriage is almost over and what started out as her fault...I think is now all my fault.

I am 38. My wife and I have been married almost 19 years. We got married very young so we could join the Army and be in the Married Couples program which makes sure you stay stationed together through your service.

After basic training, we both ended up at Fort Gordon, GA. Everything was fine, or so I thought, for awhile. But then it got troublesome. She cheated on me with a Sgt from her company. I was crushed. I spiraled in to a deep depression. I could barely function. My weekends were spent sleeping in a darkened barracks room. I dont know how long this went on. I remember going over to her company one night and seeing her getting into a car with 2 other guys. They saw me and I ended up trying to follow them. They sped all over the base and I gave up, then and for some time after. I just gave up. Eventually this Sgt must have ended things with her and she came back to me. But I wouldn't talk to her, I wouldn't even come out of the barracks when she would come over and ask for me. I was so confused, but I was alone hundreds of miles from home. I caved in and we started talking again because I was afraid to be on my own. 

For some reason, she thought I was her therapist. She would tell me she thought she loved this guy and could have stayed with him if he had wanted her to. I dont know what I was doing. I listened and tried to consol her thinking if I was a shoulder she would love me again even though I hurt so badly to listen to this. 

Somehow, she ended up pregnant. I think this might have been my doing to try and trap her. Im not sure. 

We ended up somehow staying together and nobody in my family or hers that I knew about ever knew she cheated. We went home on leave after being in Georgia for about 15 months. Things were shaky, but it is what it is. I figured all relationships have problems and I must have done something to cause her to feel she needed to look for love somewhere else.

We had stored all of our stuff in my parents basement. I was looking through stuff and came upon a picture of another soldier in her belongings. It wasn't the same as the one she cheated with, but there was some very romantic things on the back address to my wife. This was from basic training, when we had no contact. APparently she was "open" to the idea of messing around before the first cheat.

Later I would find out from one of my cousins that she had come on to him long before we ever got married at a party. 

Long story short, we fought. I told her I forgave her but if she ever did it again I was gone. What I didn't anticipate was the lack of trust I would have to endure and how it would ultimately ruin everything.

We got orders to El Paso and our son was born. For a time, all our energy was spent on my new son. I didnt have time to contemplate what had happened too much. That and the fact that even at 20 years old, I could buy beer and I bought a lot of it. 

A year after moving to El Paso, we both got orders to Germany and at the same time she got pregnant again with my daughter who would be born in Germany.

The next three years were decent, but hard. I have a very hard time with money and that of course caused problems and I was drinking a lot. I didnt trust my wife and I was still in pain. We never once got any help. I thought it would go away. I just had to be loyal to her and help her raise these kids.

After the Army, we moved to Pennsylvania, our home state. My wife got pregnant to with our third and last child. This would have been about 5 years after we got married. My "issues" have steadily, secretly gotten worse. I couldnt trust her at all. I would snoop through email and websites. I constantly accused her of messing around with the neighbor. I was miserable. I was on a rotating shift shedule at work and the night shifts were horrible for me. I was convinced she was in bed with some other person. She had to be, because she didn't pay too much attention to me. (I later realize, thats probably because of how withdrawn I had become. I was a shell, totally miserable, and utterly hopeless. I truly feel like I was in a deep state of depression and potential alcoholism, although highly funtioning and never going to work drunk type). I spent a HUGE amount of time gaming online. In my mind, it was the only place I was accepted for who I was and was actually good at something.

Somehow, we managed to stay married and bought a house in New York. That was short lived though because one day she begged me to take her back home. I had a pretty awesome job and had no where but up to go from there. But, her Dad was sick and my Grandfather had just died, so I did what I thought was best and took a lesser job and moved everyone back to Pennsylvania. I hated the new job. So many unknowns with job security and everything. I was on call for a year straight and felt totally trapped because I was the sole bread winner. I struggled more and was blaming her again for my screwed up life. Sometimes I was drinking a six pack a night and I was gaming a lot again. My wife continued to push me further and further away. Probably deservedly so at this point. Her infidelity hadnt been mentioned in years and I somehow pushed it to a small secluded spot of my mind. I had no reason to feel she was not being loyal to me at this point and that was not an issue at this point. I was numb to that, but still as much a prick as ever. 

She ended up deciding, pretty much on her own, that she was going back to school full time.

I ended up having a wife that was home and taking care of the kids and the house, turning into someone who "was too busy and too tired." Our crappy sex life, got really bad and she started really complaining about everything under the sun. I started resenting her terribly again. I ended up losing that job to reductions and we had to move again.

We ended up moving into a house that apparently my wife hates and no longer wants to take care of. She finished her degree and took a job in 2010. What was supposed to be a good thing ended making things worse. Our sex life totally sucks. We got MONTHS at a time. Im talking almost a full six months at a clip. And when it happens, I feel like Im the only one doing the act. There's no passion, just sex. She complains all the time and I drink beer.

Here we are in the present...we both work full time. Im on call every third week or so. I hate my job, but cant afford to do anything different. I feel extremely depressed. My wife complains all the time. Our marriage is very caustic. The only time she talks to me is to complain or tell me I screwed something up and of course I am very quick to snap at her.

Shes talking to her friends and family about "us". She says shes stuck in a loveless marriage and has been reading stuff on the internet about being stuck in a loveless marriage and what to do about it. 

She has been seeking the advice of her cousin, who has been with so many different men its ridiculous. 

I have years of family photos but hardly any include her because she never wanted to be photographed, yet recently she put her face on facebook. She always mentions the kids on facebook, but her profile doesnt say she's married and she NEVER once has mentioned me on Facebook. Even her sister asked her why she doesnt say anything about me. Shes working out all the time now, when before she didn't.

I dont know this woman any more and my "radar" is sending up warnings again that Im about to be hurt in a bad way again. 

She told me the other day that she's not sure she wants to fix whats wrong. She told me she's not attracted to me.

My self worth is at an 18 year low. Is this all my fault? Is her loveless marriage my fault?

I never forgave her and have been going through the motions over the years because its what a husband is supposed to do. I dont think she's cheating again yet...but Im having the same suspicitions creeping into my mind again. I honestly think there is another person she's growing fond of and exploring reasons to stay or end us....to persue this. I feel like this is all my fault because I never found a way to forgive her in the first place. I've never been able to trust her and have spent years trying to shield myself from hurt and confrontation that Ive missed all the signs of trouble. 

I want to go to counseling, but I am afraid if she finds out I still have on going issues with her infidelity she's going to be shocked that after 19 years she's still got to deal with this and will just say screw it. Its not worth fighting for my trust which I seem to not be able to give her. 

What do I do?

Our oldest is almost 18, our daughter is 16 and our youngest is 13. 

Im ready to quit and just start over. I know I personally need personal help to deal with my trust issues or I will never love or be loved again. 

Help.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

I am sorry you are here, but you will get lots of advice.

Is your drinking and gambling problem under control?


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## mudkicker (Mar 10, 2013)

My online gaming is not gambling. It was World of Warcraft. An online fantasy role playing game. I quit it years ago.

Im going to start by quitting the beer. I drink beer every night when Im not on call.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

mudkicker said:


> My online gaming is not gambling. It was World of Warcraft. An online fantasy role playing game. I quit it years ago.
> 
> Im going to start by quitting the beer. I drink beer every night when Im not on call.


Ok, sorry. I misunderstood. I don't do games...lol. Good to know you stopped that. It takes time away from the wife and kids. Good that you have decided to stop drinking. Maybe a support group would help, depending on how much you use it to cope.

There are definitely signs that your wife is seeking attention outside the marriage. She is working on her physical appearance and you say there is a relative of hers who goes through many men. That is not good that she hangs around single people. 

Buy a VAR (voice activated recorder) and put some strong velcro on it and secure it under the seat of her car. You might get some evidence of what she is up to that way.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Read Married mand Sex Life Primer, download it here The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books

Get into IC with a counselor familiar with infidelity AND PTSD. Immediatelty. If she hasn't started cheating, you can likely turn this around.

Stop drinking now, it shows you are serious.

She is already showing signs of cheating. Check her calls and texts from your online bill. Check for numbers and how much she texts.

Check for deleted messages.

Do you have passwords to all her accts?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

ya this doesn't get any better.

How often does she come home a 4AM?

So when was the latest she got home from a girls night out? My wife would come around noon on a Sunday. She would leave Friday night to go over to a "friends" house then to another friends house and then another. With in few years should finally tell me don't expect her home she going to girl friends house for the weekend.

Has your wife started sneaking out of the house yet? Ya I would wake up in the middle of the night and her and her car were gone....cracked a beer and went back to bed...phucke her!

See how it gets worse? it starts by coming home a 3AM from a GNO, then 3am turns in to 6 AM then they wait until you leave for work and come home and get cleaned up and they don't have to listen to your sh1t about them staying out all night...with the "girl friends"!!!!!!


My point is its time to change, I made the changes for my self 3 years ago and it was the best thing ever...after 13 years and 20 OM I finally had enough also...the both of you don't have to live like this!

Your wife doesn't need these band aid of strange guy after strange guy to fill her own voids, and you don't have to tolerate it either.

Your kids deserve better, so even if your old lady doesn't come around you have the choice to give your kids a better example of a happy father that will no longer be a doormat.

Make no mistake here you are in denial and you are looking the other way to avoid the pain of what your wife is really doing and who she has now become. I believe your wife is the same person she was when she was in the serves, I believe you just have become so numd to it the you actually except the fact that she is really with her "girl friends"!!!!

Sorry brother I can tell you from experience, chicks need attention and affection...even if it for a short few hours in a hotle with a some strang...thats how they get by...just like how you get by with the beers and your focus on your kids.

Let me guess do coach on one of your kids sports? I bet your wife sleeps it off when you have early moning practice with the kids?

You do not have to live like this...this is your choice and it will be up to your wife to either come along or not but life is to short and Lost 13 years of 23year marriage having my head in the sand.

You diserve good things so get out of whatever funk you are in and don't be like me.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

chapparal said:


> Read Married mand Sex Life Primer, download it here The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books
> 
> Get into IC with a counselor familiar with infidelity AND PTSD. Immediatelty. If she hasn't started cheating, you can likely turn this around.
> 
> ...


Having been down this road before OP wife is gettting her emotional needs met somewere...thats a given


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## mudkicker (Mar 10, 2013)

My daughter is being recruited to play Division 1 fastpitch softball. I taught her to hit and she's one of the best players in our area. I've spent six years learning hitting and teaching her. We travel all over to get her seen. I'm totally devoted to my kids. They're everything to me.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

mudkicker said:


> My daughter is being recruited to play Division 1 fastpitch softball. I taught her to hit and she's one of the best players in our area. I've spent six years learning hitting and teaching her. We travel all over to get her seen. I'm totally devoted to my kids. They're everything to me.


So how involved is your wife with all this?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Let me guess you spend your time with the kids and your wife spends her time with wh0re cousin wingman?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I would have all of your children tested for paternity.
I would talk to an attorney to understand your options.


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## mudkicker (Mar 10, 2013)

Another thing....she went out of her way to tell me there's no one else. I never once brought it up. I haven't accused her of that in many years....that I'm aware of.

Is that odd?


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## mudkicker (Mar 10, 2013)

the guy said:


> So how involved is your wife with all this?


She's all in for this. I won't accuse her of being a bad mom.


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## mudkicker (Mar 10, 2013)

the guy said:


> Let me guess you spend your time with the kids and your wife spends her time with wh0re cousin wingman?


I don't think so. I just found it odd she's confiding in a cousin who has had one failed relationship after another.


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## mudkicker (Mar 10, 2013)

bryanp said:


> I would have all of your children tested for paternity.
> I would talk to an attorney to understand your options.


I'd never want to know otherwise. These kids are blessings.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Who know what she means, I think the both of you are just so numb toward each other, she is just spouting out crap that she wants to believe her self.

Again maybe its no one guy in particular, and in her mind "seeing someone" is different then a ONS, or some emotional thing she is getting from different guys on FB.

Both you guys are in such a bad place, I can't imagine she isn't getting her needs met else were.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

So sorry for you.First you need to take control of your gambling
and drinking.

This is probably to try to numb yourself to what
you have been really thinking all of these years.

It sounds like your honest and you probably never have or can forgive
your wife after the first time of being unfaithful.
You probably have seen all the teletale signs that she has never changed
over the years.

Stop blaming yourself,she is the one that cheated.
I know its really hard,but for your future peace of
mind it seems you would be better off divorcing her.

If you do divorce her,then what she does isn't hurting
you anymore.

You are then free to move on and find a faithful loving
lady who respects and desires you.

Also this bad marriage affects how your children will view
marriage and might possibly repeat this bad cycle.

I believe once a cheater always a cheater.You give in
the first time the second time is a easy.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Downloaded MMSLP yet?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Often, when your gut tells you something you don't want to hear you shut it up with alcohol and other distractions. 

I thinks you've been rug-sweeping for all of your married life. You've put blame on anything and anyone *except* where it belongs. And you are reaping the results; alcoholism, feeling disconnected, unloved, and stuck in a limbo with no end in sight. 

You need to take charge of your life. You need to consider carefully what type of person you are. The type of person you want to be. The types of things that are totally unacceptable to you. Then decide if your wife in anyway is the type of person you want to live the rest of your life with. 

Look at this diagram:









You want to strive to reach the top level of this hierarchy. You want to be self-actualized. I think you are teetering on "safety" and "love and belonging". You need to move toward a higher need. The need and ability to face and accept facts.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

You need to man up.
Do anything and everything to man up.

After that you will do what you should be doing.


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## mudkicker (Mar 10, 2013)

chapparal said:


> Downloaded MMSLP yet?


Going to now.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

mudkicker said:


> I'd never want to know otherwise. These kids are blessings.


Would you rather find out in a hospital during an emergency?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

keko said:


> Would you rather find out in a hospital during an emergency?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


They need to know for future medical reasons.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

There is so much blame to go around between you two that it is a moot point. Sweeping the situation under the rug years ago has caused the problem, which has been exacerbated over the years. The good thing is you are invested in your children, this should continue regardless of what you two decide to do. The next thing you need to do is get a handle on you. You have no control over her and have enough problems of your own to deal with in the short run. I recommend individual counselling with someone that is versed in alcoholism. You need to deal with the hurt that has put you in this haze.

When you think that you have a better understanding of yourself, then you need to sit down with your wife and see if there is anything left of this relationship that can be salvaged.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

It amazes me that some people who are worthy of great respect don't demand it. 

I am so sorry you have had to endure this. I hope by posting here that you will realize the good things about yourself and feel motivated to improve in the areas that you want. 

I think when you look at yourself the way you really are, you will not need to self-medicate with alcohol. The biggest thing is that the confusion in your life will dissipate when you remove sources of drama and strife. Eventually, i think you will aquire the conviction needed to prioritize the people in your life according to the loyalty, support and love that they return to you. Good luck in your journey. I believe that you will be a completely different person once you decide to change your life. .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## natrensland (Mar 26, 2013)

Hey many I know how you feel, about a year ago my wife cheated on me with an x of hers, she said she was just going over there to vist and I was a control freak because im the jealous type but finally I let it go and trusted her, big mistake when she left I had a bad feeling then about an hour late I had a gut wrenching feeling that something happened, but did not want to make her think I was a freak so I did not tell her I knew I just knew what she had done, about a week later we were out with her friends drinking and I was getting a good drink on when we decide we were going to go to her friends house while in the truck she said I did something really bad, I said what you kissed someone, she said no worse, I said you slept with someone didn't you, she then started her speech, needless to say it took everything I had not to drive that truck into a tree, I got out her friends house let her go in I stayed out in the truck after she went it I got out and dam near broke my fist on the bed of my truck, the next I finailly got the x's number and threatened to kill him if I could find him, mind you I have done 3 tours in Iraq. well I choose to forgive her I think, well she starts sex txting another person just 4 months later I confronted her and she stopped, but even after all of this im a major control freak and I cant stop the thoughts of her cheating with him, the images of those two having sex it makes me sooo angry that it drives me to drink. so yes I know how you feel and I really hope you make it threw, as for me time well only tell 
nate 
1st armored division bravo 2/81


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Seems to me she never respected you from the beginning even before you were married she was testing the waters.
How must that feel? To know she cheated, was possibly in love, even when you were dating she was seeking out men? Bet you've gone over it over and over in your head. You were never worthy of her, she knows it and you know it.

In 19 years you never had any trust, 19 years without foundation, as the kids grow older, the cracks start to show..if one person was never invested in the relationship to begin with, it gets tiring pretending, till the point where they can't be bothered. At this point she's not bothered.

Have you gone to MC? You seem to work opposing hours, when do you have time for each other?


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