# Incurable Illness



## Mr.Purple (Jun 9, 2017)

So here is the background that is fit to print...


Been married for 7 years (together for near 10 years)
This is my wife's second marriage (first cheated on her when she worked and he was unemployed)
This is my first marriage
We have 2 daughters from her previous marriage (who I have never treated anything but like my own)
Right after our 1 Year anniversary she was diagnosed with Stage 4 NHL (Cancer) which is treatable, but not curable
I was there throughout the treatments, working at nights in my job and getting off and taking her in the morning for Chemo
Chemo ended 4 years ago but due to her condition she has to do checkups every 6 months to see if they have to do Chemo again
Through Chemo and even up till recently I have been doing more then a 50/50 marriage load of work by a lot (more like 90/10)
Post Chemo we had our son (even though they told us she wouldn't be able to)
Before Chemo her personality was funny, jokey, smiley and sarcastic and now it just seems to be mean sarcastic
Before Chemo we used to work on house projects together and enjoyed time like that, after she demands things be done and complains about timelines for project that I am tasked to do on my own. Even the parts of the projects she states she will do I end up finding myself doing and she complains as if I am some contractor overdue on a timeline rather then a husband who works full-time, takes care of kids and is exhausted enough most the times.
When she gets mad nowadays or doesn't like the conversation she gets nasty, shutdown and even makes snide comments about divorce
She gets mad that I have friends and coworkers who want to be social but she doesn't
She acts like I don't know how to parent when I am the only one actively parenting the kids
In the last year I took on a new job making great money and she seems more jealous then supportive of it
I had a big deadline and alot of stress a month ago and she just blew off my stress as if it doesn't count because she has cancer
I rarely get sick but the last time I did I took a day off work and complained for a minute and was told "it is nothing compared to her issues"

*Bottom-line: *I am tired of being the breadwinner, carrying the insurance, dealing with the kids, ...doing everything and being marginalized. We can't even have a disagreement without her going to the extremes and threatening divorce yet which has been stated enough that I am now becoming dull to the feelings I used to have for her. Don't get me wrong, occasionally there is a good day but it is few and far between. The few close friends I have asked advice from all tell me that regardless of the past good times, I should move on. I know without me their daily the kids will suffer (since she is mostly on her phone nightly and not parenting) but she is convinced that she can do it all like she did the last time she got divorced. I am torn, I don't want to fail but I feel like I am entitled to some happiness. We haven't had sex in over a month. She complains we don't' have it enough or this and that but as the single parent busy with three kids, by the time I get them all to bed she is passed out. Then she complains that she doesn't like morning sex, the one time we do have some time to play. Recently I have totally stopped rolling over when she threatens things like divorce or this and that. She is convinced that she is the victim in all parts of her life because of her diagnosis and she has continually downplayed my career, my feelings or even my having a bad day. I don't think I want to continue dealing with it. Is it selfish for me to serious tired of her and thinking I need to get out? I have never NOT been supportive of her illness but feel like I am a hostage because of it. Anyone else dealing with something similar?


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

Mr.Purple said:


> So here is the background that is fit to print...
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First of all I am so so sorry. Cancer is horrible. U sound like u have been an incredible husband, and father even to those who aren't yours. I think she is suffering from depression. She sounds like me when I was not in treatment (other than blaming it on a disease I just made other excuses). She should talk to her dr and try an antidepressant. It may take a few weeks to work. And the first med may not work, it's trial and error. Once she finds the med that works after a few weeks of being on it I will see a whole new person emerge! I think everything she went through, the fact that this will eventually end her life, and maybe some ppd have made her feel and act this way.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Im sorry for the painful way your wife's cancer has affected your marriage. I agree it does sound as if she is depressed. Such a serious illness can have a depressive effect, chemo can also alter the brain chemistry, and if your wife was already prone to depression ...

However, this doesn't mean that you have to show endless patience.

Is she aware of how she has changed? If you gave her the list you made would she recognize how different she is now compared to pre-chemo? Because that's really your only hope of saving this marriage. If she recognizes that she is very different post chemo then she might also recognize that life is no fun being depressed and agitated all the time...and most importantly, there is something she can do about it.

Tell her you don't like the post chemo wife and ask her to seek help. If she refuses, you know that your marriage is unsustainable.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Mr.Purple said:


> *Bottom-line: *I am tired of being the breadwinner, carrying the insurance, dealing with the kids, ...doing everything and being marginalized. We can't even have a disagreement without her going to the extremes and threatening divorce yet which has been stated enough that I am now becoming dull to the feelings I used to have for her. Don't get me wrong, occasionally there is a good day but it is few and far between. The few close friends I have asked advice from all tell me that regardless of the past good times, I should move on. I know without me their daily the kids will suffer (since she is mostly on her phone nightly and not parenting) but she is convinced that she can do it all like she did the last time she got divorced. I am torn, I don't want to fail but I feel like I am entitled to some happiness. We haven't had sex in over a month. She complains we don't' have it enough or this and that but as the single parent busy with three kids, by the time I get them all to bed she is passed out. Then she complains that she doesn't like morning sex, the one time we do have some time to play. Recently I have totally stopped rolling over when she threatens things like divorce or this and that. She is convinced that she is the victim in all parts of her life because of her diagnosis and she has continually downplayed my career, my feelings or even my having a bad day. I don't think I want to continue dealing with it. Is it selfish for me to serious tired of her and thinking I need to get out? I have never NOT been supportive of her illness but feel like I am a hostage because of it. Anyone else dealing with something similar?


I'm sorry to hear that your wife has been so sick and the emotional toll it is taking on you both. Sex after cancer is a VERY tricky thing and added to the threats, I can see why you feel disrespected, unappreciated, and hopeless. You're losing your love for your wife and she needs to know this before you get to the point where you completely check out of your marriage. I'd highly suggest marital coaching and self-care strategies for both of you. She would likely benefit greatly from a cancer survivors support group of women, and you need to do things to care for yourself while taking on so much as well (working out, eating well, staying social with other guys, etc.).


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

damn if you do damn if you don't tough spot to be in.

is there any love left for her? if she started to try not to be this way would you still want to be with her knowing she will falter at least occasionally.

print out what you wrote here and show it to her and ask for counseling if she balks then file.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

She needs to read Dance of Anger:
https://www.amazon.com/Dance-Anger-Changing-Patterns-Relationships/dp/0062319043


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Antidepressants and a shrink.

Death messes you up. I wasn't to fun to be around for a few years after my diagnosis I suspect.

Depression is common, particularly with cancers like hers where people assume you're not really that sick, but on the other hand there is no cure and you are looking at a shortened life span 


Particularly if you know you might be leaving kids behind 

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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I think first you need to figure out if her issues are truly related to cancer or she's using that as an excuse when the reality is she's lazy and out of love with you. Maybe a councilor can help her sort out those feelings.

If things progress to divorce your comment about the kids "will suffer if I'm not in their daily life" needs to be rethought. There is no reason YOU can't get full custody of the kids, and if that's in their best interest you should absolutely fight for full custody.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

"in sickness and in health" .... remember how she was on that day that you both took these vows? Well sir, now it's time for that sickness part.

Her clock is running out. Maybe she knows it more than you know it.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

First of all, you are likely the only consistent thing in her life. For someone in her situation, it becomes natural to lash out at the safe person. As to why, I have no idea.

I dealt with this with my mother over the last few years until she passed away earlier this year. She liked to be overly critical of me, and often gave me a hard time over not doing enough for her. 

A few key phrases worked well for me, and you would do well to learn them.

"I'm not okay with...(threats, temper tantrums, etc.)."

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

"I see it differently."

Oh, and the next time she threatens divorce, tell her that you accept her decision, and will get started on the process right away as you love her too much to be the source of her unhappiness. However, only do so if you mean it. Never...ever...ever play brinkmanship unless you are willing to go over the brink.

Terminal illness is not a license to be an *******. All you are doing is gently (and occasionally not so gently) reminding her.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Mr.Purple said:


> So here is the background that is fit to print...
> 
> 
> Been married for 7 years (together for near 10 years)
> ...



Tell her exactly what you told us.
Tell her you have stood by her and carried more than your fair share and if she wants to spend the rest of her life with some good memories for you and the kids she better get her act together.
She could probably do with counselling as it seems she is not handling her own mortality very well
Tell her, be frank, tell her you love her but her attitude is destroying whatever feelings you have for her and you will leave her if she doesn't quit. She may call your bluff (she sounds the type in order to get her way) so just say, is this what you really want? If she refuses to face her issues then give her what she wants, do not let her play games and hold this over you. Be bold.


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