# Is there another way?



## whatido (Jun 2, 2011)

Is there another way?

I just wanted to get opinions and see if anyone has some helpful advice before I ask for divorce.

My wife and I have been married for 17 years most where not great but I lived with it. I do not know how she felt about it. I feel she may have never loved me but rather needed a way out of her mothers home. I may have been looking for anyone who would love me. When we met I had just left my exgirlfriend who I was going to marry and had a child with. It was not right after she left me for another but rather after she left him and wanted me to marry her (my ex) but I was afraid she did not really want me but needed money and place to stay so I said I would not marry her for one year. So she went back to her ex-husband and I met my wife. Well I married her and she was so shy she would never complain or argue with anyone. I once saw some one serve her a raw pizza and she would not take it back. Once we got married she got pregnant right away (which she did not want) once she pregnant it was like a totally different person she would yell scream curse at me until I gave in. My ex had habit of leaving me anytime she got mad so I learned if they get mad give in. My wife and son have always had problems getting along and I mean even as a baby (I assume because she not ready to be mom or because her mom favored her brother) She wanted a second child after my son was five I told her they would have to get along better before we have one and she would have to keep a job. She agreed and they got along and she got pregnant and had a girl. She was so sick during pregnancy she was in hospital a lot and work laid her off so she would not get fired. Once baby born she never went back to any work. Now I told my wife about my child on our second date and that if I was ever given opportunity I would be part of her life as of at that time mom took her off with another man as if it was his child. My ex then tried to get a hold of me several times to be in child’s life but she acted as if she wanted me back which pissed off wife so she would demand I do nothing and I did as she asked.

Now the plot thickens I got laid off a few years back for first time ever and I found out that all the money I had put in my kid’s college fund was gone, and I knew nothing of it. She said it was spent on her education and just our expenses. I was furious that she had not told me so I could work more hours get another job whatever and she still did not have job. At the same time my ex’s husband showed up and told me my ex left and married some one else and was not seeing our daughter who now wanted to meet me. I agreed and we started talking wife let it happen but would act jealous and be very restricting as far as what I could do buy or say to daughter plus she would never tell her family of this daughter. Now over two years later my daughter left her step father and is back with her mom. I was already scheduled to go to her graduation (she lives two states away) I asked wife for whole family to go but she did not want them too said kids still in school. I kept saying if we asked far enough in advance they could reschedule any tests and get them off early. She said know she also would not here of me use her car to make trip which my truck could not make. So I had to rent a car and the entire time money still going like water which she was running all. Every time I tried to take over bills it was like I asked her to let me see other women she would blow up. I started talking and texting my ex just so we could get along for graduation. My wife lost it and demanded I stop but I found that I could not stop. How ever I did manage to for about week but in one of our arguments she said to me I can not have you leave me where would I go? I was devastated I cried in front of my fellow male coworkers I called my father and I did not expect him to be shocked we fighting but did not expect the fact that he said I can not believe you lasted this long. Then when I told him I did not think she loved me he said I knew that the day we met. My parents hate my ex so not happy I talked to her either. After this I gave up and called my ex back and we talked a lot and all men at work would tease me about how happy I was when talking to her. This entire time my wife (not knowing my ex and me talking in fact even before we did) would just say to kids your dad is going to go down there and never come back. (This is what her father had done when she was 2). Well my wife found out we were talking again and threw fit and twice she told kids we getting divorce so I could go back to my ex. However she would still refuse to go with me and I refused to not go. My ex when we were talking would say stuff like G_D will work it all out and G_D did not close door with out opening another and reason I have hard time find open door is because I had tried so many that G_D left only one open and it the correct one. She would also tell me how much she loved me and how great I was. (Something I never hear from wife only time I hear I love you is if fallowed by too because I had said it first.) My ex point out that she had been trying to get me back since the first time her and husband split 18 years ago and I turned her down since. This all shocked me because my ex was never religious but rather I was but lost it because it drove wife nuts and with no support I was weak and quit (not her fault but rather mine for being weak) also shocked because I thought my ex hated me. Well I quit talking and texting ex for about a month then time for trip I went alone everyone had backed out who may have went with me. My ex’s husband fallowed me around with gun, my wife kept getting mad because I riding with ex and spending time with ex but my daughter was living with my ex. Oh and by the way during the month when my ex and I did not talk I found out my daughter pregnant so now my ex and I will be grand parents. So I go to graduation one day spend half a day with daughter and ex just to talk and one day at party for graduation. The entire time I could have slept with ex and her and daughter even offer let me stay in their house but I did neither. We did ride in cars together spend time together all three of us. Then finally text each other while I down there this mad wife so upset she threaten to kill her self on face book. My parents went out to help calm her down although I feel it was just for attention, but better safe than sorry. I am still upset over money being gone and still not sure if she loves me or just needs me. She still not got steady job and she still not letting me take bills over. The money missing not only issue my credit destroyed and she has a couple of loans in my name and some in hers I never knew about. She and kids still always fighting, but I am the bad guy for having emotional affair with ex. My kids even mad at me for hurting their mom. I still have never even kissed another woman since we met, how ever I do feel I am now in love with my ex. I have asked for counseling for years and she always says if I make you that miserable leave and in fact I went to counseling by my self which councilor told me was waste with out her.

She having problems forgiving me for talking to ex (I have told her I will always love ex but we not work together) and I still upset because she is always telling me what to do and will not get job and bashing me in front of kids even tells them we can not afford vacation because daddy spent all the money to go see his other family. Plus a big part of me wants my ex back.

Does any one see a way to save this marriage should I even try? What can I do when other half won’t go to counseling with me? Is it too late because the only reason I feel like saving it is for kids and being ashamed of failure and fact G_D hates divorce?

Any opinion is helpful.

Thank you.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You've really got yourself in a mess. First, leave the ex ALONE. You are still a married man. Can't blame the wife for being irate over the emotional affair. Your wife sounds like a controlling nightmare. She clearly needs counseling. That aspect of the problem may need to come down to an ultimatum--either both of you attend marriage counseling or you divorce.

Once you leave the ex alone, your next step should be to get individual counseling. My divorce lawyer has a quote which applies to you as well. When I complain about some of the outlandish stunts my estranged husband pulls, my attorney simply says, "Well, you are the one who married him." It took a while to understand, but I finally do. You need to understand why you "picked" your wife in the first place. Unless, we understand why we got into our situation, there's a good chance we will repeat. You need to get in touch with yourself before tackling your huge stack of problems which involves other people.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I didn't finish the whole post you wrote, because it is obvious that you see yourself as a victim. You made choices--and now that they have turned out so poorly, you have a lot of problems. Individual counseling for YOU is a must. So what if someone gets mad and leaves? That is not a tragedy. You move on and get over it. As for not building a relationship with your first child, that was just wrong of you--you had rights AND responsibilities, and you ignored both. You must learn to see yourself as a capable, independent person who will NOT tolerate crazy or disrespectful behavior. If you need to pursue legal measures to protect your rights, do so. If you need support to help you fulfill your responsibilities (like, standing up to wife when she interfered in your relationship with your first child), get it. 

You only get one life, so make it a good one. Quit letting others run your life for you--it is a sure road to misery. Even if there is pain as part of making decisions, etc., it's still much better than refusing to act like a grown man and demand respect as you do what you think is right. You will sleep better each night knowing you've fought the good fight to do what is right by yourself and by the ones you love, even if sometimes decisions turn out wrong. We aren't perfect, but we can do a lot better than letting others decide everything for us. 

Good luck.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Your wife is a jealous control freak, and I am speaking from experience because it takes one to know one.
However, you should not be corresponding with your EX for ANY reason other than your D.


There is always hope, I think, but like the other poster said individual counseling for yourself is a MUST.
I will tell you that running from one relationship to another almost never works out in your favor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whatido (Jun 2, 2011)

First of all I agree I need counseling and am scheduling some now. Secondly I realize not being part of my daughters life was my entire fault I can blame anyone but I was one who chickened out of fighting to see her. That is decision will hunt me to my grave I can not make that up. Thirdly so you all know I quit text and calling my ex over a month before I went to graduation however when we got to graduation there was one night when my daughter stayed at house party and they expected me and my ex to stay there I said no and I was offered to stay at my ex’s house and said no that was what texts were about wife found when my ex dropped me off at my motel she wanted me to come over because we were having good time talking on ride back to motel. I said no and we text for an hr instead.

On the issue with not seeing daughter my ex married another and ran off for some time and I did not know how to find. Then when I did I heard the husband thought daughter was his and she thought he was dad. My wife was going to make it miserable to see her. I thought she better off with things the way they were. I was wrong and regret that decision ever since. When my ex contacted me to see daughter she was like 5 but I felt ex just wanted excuse to see me. Again my bad decision I regret forever. However my ex now admits that partly true and daughter admits that she did not know I existed until she was 12 and did math from day parents met.

Now all that cleared up some how do I fix I go to counseling but councilor even told me pretty much useless with out wife. I am not currently talking to my ex but I miss her so much it is making it hard to try to fix. If I could just hear I love you once in a while with out me saying it first, or just have her grab me say man you look good. It might help when ex tells me I not fat but sexy and I am loved I just melt it is something I need. I once lost 60lbs and had about 20 to go and all wife can do was complain it must be nice to loose weight it is easy for you. She is larger than I but I always tell her she is sexy and beautiful I say I love you probably three to four times a day.

I am not trying to play victim I know I do wrong to but when some one tell story it always one sided. I am a slob. There I admit that and no matter how much I need attention I should not seek it else were I know that. I do a lot of wrongs but willing to go to councilor and work on. I did not intend to fall for ex I thought she hated me but it is happening and wife’s behavior is pushing me away faster so what can I do?

I am sorry if I came off as it all her fault I know all fights and problems are fifty fifty and there are always three sides to story hers mine and truth.

Thanks for help.


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