# maybe i can get help in this group



## jsir (Jun 21, 2009)

ok I have a story or situation which I have been searching to everyone on advice! not sure on how to start but i will try my best!

here goes! my wife and i have been married for 1yr but have been together for 7yrs we have 2 kids together. i work a 4 on 4 off shift work in another province so i am gone from my home for a total of 4.5 days out of 8. and we found out december of last year that she has PCOS, which has also caused a hormonal imbalance!

for the last few years we have been going in a downward spiral. We started to fight more and more, at first it was about stupid sh*t but, now it is about things that are important to me and not to her.

one day i thought to myself why is she so cold and bitter, in which i mean unloving emotionaly and physicaly. one day she said to me that she wasnt in love with me anymore. so i started thinking that there was someone else, so i did a deceitful thing and put a program on the computer (which was wrong to do, but at the time i just had to know, and stupid me felt guilty so i ended up telling her) that logged everything! and by doing this i found out that she had been talking to a guy for the last 1.5yrs. it was a guy that she met at a class she was taking. and when she was taking this class she decided to try and make me a little jelious by saying that this guy had looked at her. and me not being the jelious type at the time i said "well honey you are a beautiful woman of course guys are going to look at you" 
So by having this program i found out that she persude the friendship. 
It first started on crackbook! then MSN messenger then it went to them talking on the phone! and when i found this out I freaked!!! but couldnt let on that i knew that she was talking to this guy because i had no proof that she was cheating but i felt that she was having an emotional affair and when she found out what I had done thats when sh*t really hit the fan.(no more trust from her) we where on the verge of separating, but we never did separate. but now she is worse than before and i feel like a needy, desparate, insucure, jelious husband just trying to piece it all back together.
i even went to councelling by myself, and I have been doing all the things he said to do and nothing has changed! I have repeatedly ask her to get rid of this friend and all she does is say that i am being controlling! and says that i cant pic her friends. but this guy is a big thorn in my side because i know they still talk. i have even emailed this guy telling him (politely) to back off my wife and when he told her what i did she freaked again.and he chooses to still talk to her ( i just want to punch him in the face). but she did say that she does love me now and that she never stopped. so to confuse me even more!

i know this may seem to be confusing but there is so much more to write. but there has been so much going on in our lives i wanted to get the jist of my problem out here to just start getting help! and advice!

please help im so confused!! on what to try next!

thanx!


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Does she work or stay at home? She has lost all respect for you. You need to get it back.


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## jsir (Jun 21, 2009)

she is a stay at home mom! we decided that when we had our first son. so i went and changed jobs to make more money, but unfortinatly it is out of town. so i am gone for 4.5 days at a time. we talk when i am gone but for maybe a few minutes at a time, or untill she gets bored and wants to do something else. or something that she feels more important comes up.i have said numerous time that we should move closer to where i work and she says that she *will not move * because the boys are in school now and she has all these friends, I have even said that i will quit and find something closer and she brings up the $$.

with the respect thing! I have felt that for a long time and i have tryed to get it back but nothing seems to work! im lost all by myself!!!


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## docj (Jun 18, 2009)

Do not feel guilty about putting spyware in your computer.
I keep telling people one of the phrases i hate is " if you trust them then you shouldnt have to check on them...." CRAP.

Trust is earned not automatic. And there is nothing in checking in every once in a while. Its called common sense cause someone cheating will not come and tell you " hey im cheating.."

Just cause i married you and im still married to you doesnt mean i should never have suspicions. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.

This other guy is a jerk. I have a master plan for you. EMAIL ME.


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## jsir (Jun 21, 2009)

well i think maybe i do feel guilt because it bothered her so much! or maybe its the fact that she doesnt trust me anymore about the computer thing, not cheating


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

First off, remove her from any and all bank accounts. Tell her that you are package deal. You and your money. You have to gain her respect. She is acting this way, because you have been needy and weak.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

JSIR: 

I've put 27years into my relationship with my dh and IF I suspected, I would put the spywear on the computer! Not think twice of it, if you have an intuitive need to do so, then there is a reason. And you were CORRECT, weren't you? She has absolutely NO business getting indignant with you over it, she is shifting the guilt and blame from herself to you. Don't let her pull that one.

I would also dump the entire 24 years of my marriage if I found out what you found out and asked her to end it, and she refused and just continued. That MEANS she does not care for you as much as for this other man. He also is a cad, as he is screwing around with a married woman, making trouble for your family.

Don't get sucked into blaming HIM though. Put it squarely on HER. Get past your hurt, she has answered your question regarding her CHOICE, and obviously HE means more to HER than her children and you. Sorry, but that is what I am seeing.

You need to get past the sad and shock and move on to: either him or me, Sweetie, you can't have BOTH. The end.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

:iagree:


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Is the PCOS under control now? I have this also; I was diagnosed 11 years ago. Unfortunately, most doctors don't know how to manage this condition. My condition got so bad in the 90s that I couldn't control my emotions one bit. I was also in bed for a year. It's amazing how much better the world looks when this ailment is properly managed.

You did nothing wrong by spying on your wife. She had given you reasons to be suspicious. She is angry because she got caught! Cheaters really get angry when they are nailed. They then turn the tables and try to put all of the blame on the non-cheating spouse. The old "you are too controling" phrase seems to be the favorite one! Whether it be an emotional affair or a physical affair, you will have to get firm--it can't go on.

Hang in there!


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## jsir (Jun 21, 2009)

wow thanx for the advice!
and the spy stuff is on there again, but i think she is wise to it...
but the cell got cut off the other day so we will see when i get home from work.
i questioned her last night before i went to work and she told me that she hasnt talk to him in a long time...but i think i am going to be strong tell her to end it NOW! but the only thing is, is that i have know way of really knowing if she has or not...which sucks!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

827Aug said:


> Is the PCOS under control now? I have this also; I was diagnosed 11 years ago. Unfortunately, most doctors don't know how to manage this condition. My condition got so bad in the 90s that I couldn't control my emotions one bit. I was also in bed for a year. It's amazing how much better the world looks when this ailment is properly managed.
> 
> You did nothing wrong by spying on your wife. She had given you reasons to be suspicious. She is angry because she got caught! Cheaters really get angry when they are nailed. They then turn the tables and try to put all of the blame on the non-cheating spouse. The old "you are too controling" phrase seems to be the favorite one! Whether it be an emotional affair or a physical affair, you will have to get firm--it can't go on.
> 
> Hang in there!


:iagree:

So she reacts to being caught. too bad for her!

Be strong, insist on your boundaries.

I think she needs to get a job, she has too much free time on her hands. Plus, if she did, you could be home more.


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

Just curious what program did you use and how effective was it? Will it track skype calls and messages?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Dude the post is almost 4 years old. Why would you resurrect this? Hell, how long did it take you to find it? Just post your story, and we will help you if we can.


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