# New husband at a loss and fear failure



## Shane74 (Apr 13, 2011)

Good Morning. I really need some help in sorting out some things that are going on in my 18 month marriage with my second wife. I am in the military, a captain, and am experiencing many of the issues I read on this forum. It really started presenting itself to me thru a lack of intimacy. More critical of myself than others, I have looked long and hard in the mirror, assessing who I am and what I offer my wife and I can't really come up with anything that would lead me to understand why my marital situation is the way it is. I turn myself inside out to try to get her to want and desire me: I cook, I clean, I grocery shop, I help with our 18 month old daughter with bath, stories, bed time, playground, I manage and pay all the bills, I suggest things to do on the weekend. I have sent flowers, I don't smoke, don't have any vices, I sit with her while she watches her evening TV shows, and I even had a vascectomy to help ease her mind about birth control, which is something I was admimant about not doing in general. I feel I am a very mature, honest, dependable, loving 37 year old who just wants to feel like a priority in my wife's life and serve my country and experience a fruitful, rewarding intimate love life. I have no friends or family that are really there for me and I guess that is why I am here writing this. In my role as an officer, a father, and son, I am regularly expected to be the strong one. I guess I give off a perception that my life is always in order- truthfully, it isn't. I am frustrated because I feel like my kindness and stability as a high functioning adult make me easy emotional prey. 

From day one, I have always had a strong sexual libido. I'd say I'm game for sex about every other day, perhaps every two days. In general, I enjoy the intimacy, sexuality, and the closeness that love making brings. In fact, my current wife and I enjoyed this aspect of our relationship immensely prior to our marriage. I felt satisfied that my expectations of sex were met and I felt that I was meeting hers as well- then, the situation changed. 

Now, as American Idol contestants prove, everyone thinks they can sing and the reality makes for good prime time TV. That said, making love or being intimate falls into a similar category. As a man, I have heard many men exclaim how good they are. I know that women have a different opinion in general. So, my approach to intimacy and lovemaking is always with the intent of trying to always do the right things that make my wife enjoy this time between us. Pleasing her is a goal of mine that she routinely gets to when we do engage in intercourse.

Pardon me for getting choppy now. I will attempt to provide some instances where things are getting a little strange for me. I feel like we never had that moment in time where all we did was make love, sort of that honeymooners peak time, where neither of us could keep their hands off each other. In fact, during our honeymoon, our intimacy took a nose dive, or should I say never got off the ground. We did more things feeling like buddies on a trip than lovemaking- she watched Maury Povich in Key West in a hotel room while I held my head in amazement that I just had made a huge mistake. The fact is, what I was expecting to carry on from our time dating, seemed to abruptly end. I thought we would go to the next step and instead, felt like we took a step back. We argued on our honeymoon when I confronted her with this. Maury over me, are you serious??!! It built resentment in me and I didn't feel I deserved that. After the honeymoon, the normalcy of life and it stressors of the day to day took affect. She always complained and currently does of being tired, sore, sick, just chronic complaints. Its like, if she isn't complaining, she isn't talking these days. She will come home and immediatley place herself on the couch, falling asleep, while I watch our 2 year old and try to fix dinner for the family. This happens a few time a week. She never helps me clean or straighten and I have stopped busting my ass around the house. Her side of the room is horrible with clothes all over the floor and mine is neat- not OCD neat, but picked up. I feel like the housekeeper, chef, bill payer, and a single parent at time. For a long time, I would sit with her and watch TV after the kids went to bed thinking that she would eventually want to "be with me" and she would find that she fell asleep. This happened time and time again, and I confronted her about it, asking her why does the TV seem to take priority over our time to be intimate. She would get angry and instead of addressing the issue head-on, would state that I was yelling at her and that she "was" going to be with me when she awoke, until I yelled. Let me tell you- I am a very nice, but emotional guy. I say I am wired like a female and I have very strong emotions about certain things. I am admimant about wanting things right in my life. I have been patient through all of this, but when I feel like my emotions are hurt after I have waited patiently or made a huge effort to do things for her and get treated this way, my emotions are present. I feel like I have invested in her and feel like she doesn't see the value in investing back into me. I always tell her I love her and that I want this to work, but it just seems pointless. I am headed to war in 40 days for a year long deployment and you would think that my wife would want to push aside all the crap and just try to connect solidly with me before I go. There are no guarantees of coming back in the same condition I left and I am Sooooo frustrated that I feel like trying to get her to be 'into' me is futile. I've cried over us many times, and she never comes to comfort me. She likes to debate, blame, and offset her responsibility. Its strange because she is happy with me until I have a complaint- then she complains about me. I've asked her if she has a sex drive and I get no real good answers. My sexual frustrations leave me no choice but to spend some alone time, taking care of myself to knock the edge off. It is really sad, because I want her, but there seems to be no desire for me from her. I feel like I deserve to know what is going on. She recently rekindled a friendship with a girlfriend over long distances and she feels compelled to text her at all times of the night. Last night she was texting her at 1:15 am. I've been burned with my ex via an affair and cell phones. I see no purpose even legitimately texting her friend at that time of the morning. I told her she makes more of an effort supporting their relationship than she does ours and I am leaving for a year. I am so at a loss here and fear that failure is imminent. I went to counseling and the counselor suggested that she may have some issues, but suggested marital counseling as well. Seems like, tho, whenever these events occur and I threaten to seek counseling that the next few days go okay, ao the counseling idea goes away. I feel alone. I feel like all the feelings I have for her are fading away. I feel used because I look in the mirror every day and still believe that I deserve the affection and attention that I am looking for. I want to have sexual "fun" try new things and generally enjoy with her all the intimate nuances that love making can provide a married couple. I want to be like other couples we all see who you can tell by their emotions and actions in public that they have a very solid marriage and very balanced and focused interest in each other. As of now, I perceive that getting married changed her.... and now its changing me. I didn't want this the second time around and it destroys me. I appreciate you reading my situation and responding.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

I can fully sympathise with you...my wife is the same...but you came here to seek guidance not hear about other peoples woes....

Firstly, welcome to TAM!! 

Just a thought....in 40 days time you will be 'leaving home' for a year. Its probable that you will come back the same person, both mentally and physically though, as you said, its possible that you could come back in a box (being brutally honest).

Is it possible that your wife is deliberately trying NOT to get close to you because the chances of her losing you are far higher than if she was married to say a doctor?....
If she is, that doesnt make it right, ideal or acceptable.....but it might make it more understanding.

It is also possible that she just isn't wired for sex/affection. My wife isn't..... Its not as if I need to find the key or crack the combination....because there are none to be found.

I also sympathise with you as you are off to Afghanistan (though who knows...might be Libya!!). Its going to be tough for you...you'll be a far better Officer knowing that all is well in your private life...

Good luck Sir!!


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## AniversaryFight (Mar 7, 2011)

Who told you cooking, cleaning, send flowers, saying "I love you all the time", complaining, crying, sit besides your wife while she watches HER TV programs attract a woman?????????? 

IF you keep on doing this nothing will change and you will end up in another divorce!

By the way, read many people who are treated bad with their wives do exactly the same THING. I have some feeling that she will cheat on you during your away. i am sorry to say this!!

Stop doing this from today!!
cooking, cleaning, send flowers, saying "I love you all the time", complaining, crying,sit besides your wife while she watches HER TV

Stop being available at home. Try to always Smile and look happy.

I guarantee you within 1 weeks she will be curious and start asking you what is wrong. Do not answer with temper, do not complain but say calmly "I am tired of being disrespected and unappreciated, I have let it go and I decided to stand tall and be happy" no more explanation! and smile 

Find a hobby away from home, go hangout, get time for yourself to learn how to be an alpha male and a good lover.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Sorry....you don't get a commission in the Army (I presume US Army) if you are a whimp, a 'yes' man, frightened of confrontation etc. Even if you are an officer in the Catering Corps!
They ALL have to go through the same basic officer training. Whimps get weeded out pdq!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

As AF said, you're not building attraction. You're building comfort. Both are necessary in a marriage. Your wife is very comfortable with you. Like she would be with a servant. But you're not attracted to the servants. You need to be more assertive with your wife. Then, she will be comfortable with you AND attracted to you.

You are a captain. Stop treating your wife like a general and start treating her like a lieutenant. If she falls asleep on the couch, wake her up and assign her a task. Don't stick around to hear her complaints, just come back to see that it is done. If she berates you, bump back. It's called a fitness test and you need to start passing them. She will appreciate you more for it.


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## dadiodadio (Apr 12, 2011)

You are a classic "Nice guy" 

Read the No More Mr. Nice Guy! book ASAP


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

L I E U T E N A N T...!!! Wake up and shake up! What do you think this is? A holiday camp.
Now get down on your knees and give me a BJ....

hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!

I used to try the 'P O L I C E!!...Open up!' line on my wife....never worked, though it was fun trying!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Your story is sadly, all too familiar - and not at all unusual.

Here is the best and most immediate piece of information I can provide to you:

Under your circumstances, the expectation that she needs to change won't work. Not ever.
You need to be the one making changes. Your current belief system for obtaining the love and approval from the woman in your life is flawed ... trust me.

Take a look at the threads in this link:

The Man Up and Nice Guy Reference


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## joelmacdad (Jul 26, 2010)

Go search and read every post on Alpha/Beta males, fitness testing, "thermostat" and destabilizing the marriage. Read every post by BigBadWolf and MEM113633. You'll get the idea very quickly.

Unfortunately you only have 40 days which will not be enough. But I do suggest a hard core Captain based discussion with her. Lay down the law or your result could be as AnniversaryFight describes.

I can tell you in just a few short weeks the advice provided in paragraph one above has worked wonders.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

AF is right. Cease and assist all nice activities and go find something else to do. I did my version of this when I wasn't able to get my dh's attention and it worked (read the thermostat thread). 

Stop being available at home and be HAPPY even if you have to fake it.


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