# Revenge Affair .. surly the only way to truly understand the hurt of betrayal?



## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

5 months since I found out about my husband's affair. Being shot with a gun I am sure would have been less painful.

He is trying etc. However, he still doesn't get it. I know it is not sensible or grown up to have a revenge affair but it is how I feel.

He has already fatally injured our marriage so surely in my opinion is the only way?

Thanks for 'listening''


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Who's the guy?


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Who's the guy?


I haven't found one yet!!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Really?

That's rare, usually they find one first and then justify it.

You don't really want to go down that road do you?
What good could possibly come of it?


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Really?
> 
> That's rare, usually they find one first and then justify it.
> 
> ...


Well my husband has already 'gone down that road''. I am a nurse and there are plenty of choices actually at work. I have just NEVER acted on it. You are correct in stating that no good can come of it. But it will make me feel better.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Is his contractor girlfriend still working with him?

A revenge affair won't teach him anything at all. It'll probably hurt you more. Your children will be the real losers.

I take it nothing came of your email blast at the company? No ill effects on him or his gf?


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

walkonmars said:


> Is his contractor girlfriend still working with him?
> 
> A revenge affair won't teach him anything at all. It'll probably hurt you more. Your children will be the real losers.
> 
> I take it nothing came of your email blast at the company? No ill effects on him or his gf?


Yes his affair partner still works with him and no nothing came of my rant on his companys webiste. In fact he got promoted!!!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

itskaren said:


> Well my husband has already 'gone down that road''. I am a nurse and there are plenty of choices actually at work. I have just NEVER acted on it. You are correct in stating that no good can come of it. But it will make me feel better.


That road will be bumpy and dangerous. If he shows no remorse or just doesn't get it, then divorce. Someone in your children's lives should show integrity. If you didn't have kids you might have considered an open marriage. 

It seems you have half an open marriage now. Close it up or end it.


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

walkonmars said:


> That road will be bumpy and dangerous. If he shows no remorse or just doesn't get it, then divorce. Someone in your children's lives should show integrity. If you didn't have kids you might have considered an open marriage.
> 
> It seems you have half an open marriage now. Close it up or end it.


You're right. I'll be the dutiful wife and mother for the next 5 years until my youngest is 18. Then I'll be out of the door as fast as I can.

Happy to pretend that all is well.

Thanks for your comments.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

itskaren said:


> Yes his affair partner still works with him and no nothing came of my rant on his companys webiste. In fact he got promoted!!!


He's on cloud 9. You at home his gf at work. I thought her contract was up. Did he extend it?

Take him to the cleaners and find an honorable man. You can have a fulfilling life but don't become another man's "easy"..


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

itskaren said:


> You're right. I'll be the dutiful wife and mother for the next 5 years until my youngest is 18. Then I'll be out of the door as fast as I can.
> 
> Happy to pretend that all is well.
> 
> Thanks for your comments.


Why wait???

You have grounds. Does infidelity shorten the divorce timeframe?

Talk to a lawyer tomrrow.


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

walkonmars said:


> He's on cloud 9. You at home his gf at work. I thought her contract was up. Did he extend it?
> 
> Take him to the cleaners and find an honorable man. You can have a fulfilling life but don't become another man's "easy"..


He told me that she only had a short contract. But she is still there. I just don't belive a word he says anymore.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

itskaren said:


> You're right. I'll be the dutiful wife and mother for the next 5 years until my youngest is 18. Then I'll be out of the door as fast as I can.
> 
> Happy to pretend that all is well.
> 
> Thanks for your comments.


Karen I don't know your situation but it sounds bad.
You know you have other options besides an affair or misery don't you?

Your husband isn't really doing what he should to fix what he ****ed up is he?


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

itskaren said:


> You're right. I'll be the dutiful wife and mother for the next 5 years until my youngest is 18. Then I'll be out of the door as fast as I can.
> 
> Happy to pretend that all is well.
> 
> Thanks for your comments.


WOW, that was pretty snippy for someone that comes to a forum for advice. Why did you even bother bringing it up if you dont want to hear anyones opinion on the matter?

Go ahead...you should get two or three to have affairs with, thats gonna make you feel better..for a minute or two, or however long it lasts. Then you carry the burden of knowing you are just as pathetic as he is!

GOOD LUCK WITH THAT!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

He still living at home?

What does he tell you about his hope for the future?

Does he go out nights? (still seeing her?)


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

itskaren said:


> He told me that she only had a short contract. But she is still there. I just don't belive a word he says anymore.


No trust and you want to cheat thinking that will make it better...you should divorce!


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

itskaren said:


> 5 months since I found out about my husband's affair. Being shot with a gun I am sure would have been less painful.
> 
> He is trying etc. However, he still doesn't get it. I know it is not sensible or grown up to have a revenge affair but it is how I feel.
> 
> ...


File, leave him and then have fun. Wow some lucky guys getting laid and he doesn’t know it yet, and he won’t understand why or have to work for it.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

It sucks. To be this hurt,angry,hopeless,and with no self-esteem, with no one to hold you and make you feel better. We're either still there or have been there. A lot of us have probably thought about it. But please don't make any important decisions right now, especially decisions you may regret later. Do not sink to that level. I am a nurse also, and yes, there are plenty of opportunities to stray at work. Don't pee in your own pool! I'm not sure how long you've been a nurse, but I can assure you... the housekeeping staff KNOW EVERYTHING and TELL EVERYONE, so it isn't like you would go un-noticed. Stop and think. If you passed the NCLEX you have a brain. Use it.


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

LetDownNTX said:


> WOW, that was pretty snippy for someone that comes to a forum for advice. Why did you even bother bringing it up if you dont want to hear anyones opinion on the matter?
> 
> Go ahead...you should get two or three to have affairs with, thats gonna make you feel better..for a minute or two, or however long it lasts. Then you carry the burden of knowing you are just as pathetic as he is!
> 
> GOOD LUCK WITH THAT!


I actually meant this to myself and the comment was not directed at anyone. If you feel it has offended you then don't reply!~!!!!!


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

calmwinds said:


> It sucks. To be this hurt,angry,hopeless,and with no self-esteem, with no one to hold you and make you feel better. We're either still there or have been there. A lot of us have probably thought about it. But please don't make any important decisions right now, especially decisions you may regret later. Do not sink to that level. I am a nurse also, and yes, there are plenty of opportunities to stray at work. Don't pee in your own pool! I'm not sure how long you've been a nurse, but I can assure you... the housekeeping staff KNOW EVERYTHING and TELL EVERYONE, so it isn't like you would go un-noticed. Stop and think. If you passed the NCLEX you have a brain. Use it.


~


Thank you calmwinds. I work in Emergency Trauma so won't have the time even it I wanted to! Just feeling sorry for myself today. I am sure tomorrow will be different. Thank you xx


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

walkonmars said:


> He still living at home?
> 
> What does he tell you about his hope for the future?
> 
> Does he go out nights? (still seeing her?)


Yes he is still living at home. He goes out at night with the kids doing fitness. 

He is remorseful and wants to make it up but I guess he just doens't know how.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Dutiful mom? eff that. your kids know hes a cheater and you are showing the cheater being allowed to win. Just divorce him. If he's cheating d him. You dating value drops by the day. Don't waste your life. 

Success is the best revenge.


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

weightlifter said:


> Dutiful mom? eff that. your kids know hes a cheater and you are showing the cheater being allowed to win. Just divorce him. If he's cheating d him. You dating value drops by the day. Don't waste your life.
> 
> Success is the best revenge.


Thank you. Just feeling sorry for myself today. I would never really consider an affair. I will never do anything to upset my kids. I could not even hurt my lying cheating husband even to have an affair myself! Stupid thing to say really on reflection! I apologise xx


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Do not waste your time with petty matters such as revenge affairs while you are still married. They do not help you recover. Once you have a revenge affair you will be EXACTLY (and maybe worse because you know first hand how it feels to be cheated on) like your cheating spouse. You will justify yourself as, "he ate cake, why must I not eat cake as well", you will blame shift "he made me do it because of..", more cheating less honesty etc etc etc


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

walkonmars said:


> That road will be bumpy and dangerous. If he shows no remorse or just doesn't get it, then divorce. Someone in your children's lives should show integrity. If you didn't have kids you might have considered an open marriage.
> 
> It seems you have half an open marriage now. Close it up or end it.


Hi walkonmars. I just want to make it clear that my comment about being a 'dutiful'' wife was directed at myself. It was not intended to be insulting to you. I have just had a few private messages from a nutter!!! Stating that you have helped her in the past (which is great) however, she feels that I have insulted you! This is def not the case. And I thank you for you comments xx


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Do not waste your time with petty matters such as revenge affairs while you are still married. They do not help you recover. Once you have a revenge affair you will be EXACTLY (and maybe worse because you know first hand how it feels to be cheated on) like your cheating spouse. You will justify yourself as, "he ate cake, why must I not eat cake as well", you will blame shift "he made me do it because of..", more cheating less honesty etc etc etc


Yep you are 100% right . Thank you.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Sigh time to wake you up Karen. I'll tell ya now I'm as subtle as a 10 megaton warhead. Yea I know, typical Yank.

iF hubby is still cheating and you are not actively squashing it completely utterly and totally, you are showing you children it is ok for a cheater to win. Is that what you really want to do?

I rather doubt you are so unattractive that you can't get a real man who will be loyal to you.

Close your eyes and imagine this: you just made love to your new man a year from now. His face is 4 inches from yours and he says I love you. You look into those eyes and see...

The eyes of a man who has never deliberately hurt you. No guile. No guilt. Just love.

If hubby won't change stop wasting your life already.

Jeez what is it with people willing to be doormats?

And yes I really mean it. Picture that scene. Stop his cheating completely or make that image happen.


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

weightlifter said:


> Sigh time to wake you up Karen. I'll tell ya now I'm as subtle as a 10 megaton warhead. Yea I know, typical Yank.
> 
> iF hubby is still cheating and you are not actively squashing it completely utterly and totally, you are showing you children it is ok for a cheater to win. Is that what you really want to do?
> 
> ...


He told me it ended 12 months ago. So I don't think it is still going on. But who knows? I would like to believe him.


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

I know doormat!!!!! :lol: That would be me. I just had a wake up call. I'm starting the cycle being a doormat for my daughter too or maybe I was a doormat all along and now I know the difference.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

So itskaren got banned? Why?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Acabado said:


> So itskaren got banned? Why?


She originally posted from the UK when she was on holiday, I think?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

If you are staying together for the kids, but nothing has changed, then please stop. You aren't doing your children any favours in the long run. Go contact a lawyer, find out what your options are. File even, perhaps that will provide enough shock to get your husbands head out of his ass, if that's what you want. If not, carry through and move on, you can do better by and for yourself.


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## Hurt&confused92 (Apr 6, 2013)

that's just the anger talking. i felt the same way but at the end of the day i am 100% better than that and you are too. dont sink to that level of low.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

I think some posters were too quick to dismiss Itskaren's thoughts of a revenge affair. If she merely wanted to inflict pain on her husband and see him squirm, she would not only have to cheat, but also reveal it to him. Otherwise, how would she rub his nose in it? Does sound hypocritical of Karen and potentially destructive to what remains of their marriage

Of course, it could also be an understated hidden revenge, like someone spitting in the food in the kitchen. But what would she do if he cheated again? Doesn't seem like Itskaren's style to become a serial cheater to keep the score even.

If she cheated because she was curious to experience the thrill of an affair, to get an ego boost, then there is every likelihood she would feel demeaned by it instead. Especially, if the man just wanted her for sex. But clearly an affair is the way some people choose end their marital relationship.

Also, for a revenge affair, if the other was engaged in a relationship, then there would be a risk of hurting others, and Itskaren probably would recoil from that given the hurt she's experienced.

It is also possible that Itskaren is trying to say that she is not enjoying sex with her husband as much as she used to, and this has awakened the desire to go elsewhere. She might want to have sex with a man who loved her more. Most posters would argue that the statistics for such relationships as dismal. So, it would be better to get divorced first.

Maybe she feels that she is inadequate and lack of excitement is the reason he has been cheating (the blame game reasoning can come from the wrong side, too). In her own mind does she think she would become more desirable if she were a so-called "hot wife"?

As the cuckolding life style t-shirt says: "It's not cheating if my husband watches".

There is also, and this comes up often TAM infidelity threads, the idea of the betrayed husband needing to get his children's DNA tested. Secretly having a child by another man and letting the cheating husband be the unwitting father would be the super revenge, though of course not a TAM endorsed approach.

Divorce takes a long time. Are people supposed to be celibate during the separation? I don't see why someone in Itskaren's position wouldn't have a right to inform their spouse that (s)he plans to divorce him and henceforth both are free to date others. Perhaps this would not be legally acceptable in certain states. 

In any case, I don't think Itskaren is wrong to raise this question. What is the point of a discussion group if certain questions are forbidden.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I think some people were a bit too quick with a rush to judgement, perhaps?

Karen found out about her husband's cheating when she was on holiday, half way around the world, so she was totally distanced from friends and family. Whilst he was back at home, I seem to recall.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

itskaren said:


> But it will make me feel better.


If you really feel that this will be the result, then I say *go for it! *If nothing else, when he finds out about it, he'll feel like Sh*t.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> Originally Posted by itskaren View Post
> But it will make me feel better.





The Middleman said:


> If you really feel that this will be the result, then I say *go for it! *If nothing else, when he finds out about it, he'll feel like Sh*t.


Where did I hear this before? Wait! It what the average cheater speech!


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

Acabado said:


> So itskaren got banned? Why?


I got sent to the 'naughtey corner '' for 3 days for being rude to a member who was very rude to me first!


Back now x


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

Just to clarify no I would not dream of having an affair. It is just not in my make up. I could not do it to my lying, cheating husband or even the potential other affair person. I was just feeling a bit deflated.

I did however ask my husband if we could have an ''open marriage''. He said ''no''.. Funny that? He can screw around but I can't. I have asked for a trial separation and he is not keen on that either.

What to do .. what to do!


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

OP, do you still love your husband? do you want to be married to him still? that's the question you should be asking yourself.

am i correct in thinking that you just want to "even things out."


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## freedom7 (Jul 13, 2012)

itskaren said:


> Hi walkonmars. I just want to make it clear that my comment about being a 'dutiful'' wife was directed at myself. It was not intended to be insulting to you. I have just had a few private messages from a nutter!!! Stating that you have helped her in the past (which is great) however, she feels that I have insulted you! This is def not the case. And I thank you for you comments xx


I could easily see that you were not being insulting. I understandwhere you are coming from.
I felt better about myself having not cheated in response. 
There is no justice in this area. Once I accepted that, I moved on with less resentment.


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

cledus_snow said:


> OP, do you still love your husband? do you want to be married to him still? that's the question you should be asking yourself.
> 
> am i correct in thinking that you just want to "even things out."


Yes I still love my husband dearly. It is just that he is the last peron in the world that I would have expected to have an affair. Before I found ut I have never opened a letter addressed to him, checked emails, FB ever. I 100% trusted him. That trust has just been shattered into a 1000 pieces and it just seems virtually impossible to piece them back together. 

I will try however.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey itskaren---what boundaries, and consequences---have you put in place---what accountability is there as to your H---is he still being allowed to live the same cushy lifestyle he lived before Dday

Nothing changes unless you make it happen----explain to me, what is it that you "love" about this H., who cheated on you, and who you are here about----

Why is he still at a job, where his lover is also working-----why have you not made him sign a POST---NUP-----in other words, what have you done, about this, or basically have you done nothing more than moan and groan

One thing that has to be in place---from now on, and into the future---your H., is allowed to stay in this mge, but it is played out by your rules---he gets no input---if none of the above are in effect---you have already lost.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

itskaren said:


> Yes I still love my husband dearly. It is just that he is the last peron in the world that I would have expected to have an affair. Before I found ut I have never opened a letter addressed to him, checked emails, FB ever. I 100% trusted him. That trust has just been shattered into a 1000 pieces and it just seems virtually impossible to piece them back together.
> 
> I will try however.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

itskaren said:


> Yes I still love my husband dearly. It is just that he is the last peron in the world that I would have expected to have an affair. Before I found ut I have never opened a letter addressed to him, checked emails, FB ever. I 100% trusted him. That trust has just been shattered into a 1000 pieces and it just seems virtually impossible to piece them back together.
> 
> I will try however.


What about now? What are you doing to lay a new foundation for trust? And what is he doing? 

He should be jumping through every hoop he can to be honest and open, and transparent. You ironically will be better serve in the long run, by being sneaky. VAR in the car, spyware on the cell, blogger on the computer. Just to confirm his actions match his words. If they do, you'll get bored checking, and your trust will come back.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

My question is why bother with a trial separation? File or don't. It send a strong message and you don't have to follow through if you just want him to get the message loud and clear.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

itskaren said:


> Just to clarify no I would not dream of having an affair. It is just not in my make up. I could not do it to my lying, cheating husband or even the potential other affair person. I was just feeling a bit deflated.
> 
> I did however ask my husband if we could have an ''open marriage''. He said ''no''.. Funny that? He can screw around but I can't. I have asked for a trial separation and he is not keen on that either.
> 
> What to do .. what to do!


What do *you* want to do? You, not your husband, your kids, your co-workers, us - what do you want to do?

I say this because having read this thread, you base a lot of your decisions on what others expect. You won't really have an affair because it would hurt your husband or your kids. Well what about you - is having an affair consistent with what you want to be as a person? Is staying with your husband consistent with that? Is his current behavior consistent with trying to create the marriage you want? If not, what will get you there (either with him or someone else)?

Try focusing on yourself and what you need, and worry a bit less about others, particularly your husband. He needs to step up, and you are entitled to require him to do that.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

File for divorce. Tell your husband that the law requires couples with children to wait a certain period of time before D becomes final. During that period he should come up with some new approach to your relationship.

Have you read about hysterical bonding? Are you avoiding that or welcoming it?


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

I know perfectly well what a low life he has been. However, to my knowledge this is the first time that he has strayed ie had an affair. Now he does appear to be very remorseful and he has stated that he will never, ever do anythng like this again to hurt me etc.

It seems to me that a lot of views are ''divorce'' straight away! I think everyone deserves a second chance. I would want one if it was the other way around. Now if it happens again then I will go down that road. I will never forget it and I can't yet find it in my heart to forgive him. Hopefully one day I will. 

Second chance yes. Third chance ''on yer bike''.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

itskaren said:


> You're right. I'll be the dutiful wife and mother for the next 5 years until my youngest is 18. Then I'll be out of the door as fast as I can.
> 
> Happy to pretend that all is well.
> 
> Thanks for your comments.


5 years of pretending? Sheesh, good luck with that. You deserve better times for the next 60 months.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Karen,

In the first 2 years or so after I found out about my husband's affair I used to have very strong thoughts about having a revenge affair. It was almost a compulsion. I've have thoughts that it was the only way I could get respect for myself back and feel good, feel wanted, feel worthy.

The desire to have a revenge affair eventually went away.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

_Now he does *appear* to be very remorseful and he has stated that he will never, ever do anything like this again to hurt me etc._

He "appears" remorseful. You are not certain. That is why you are asking questions.

Whether or not he has another affair openly, you may wonder what he is sorry about. He may regret that he got caught and that he risked his marriage. He may be genuinely sorry that he hurt you, but not sorry that he enjoyed himself having sex with her. If you ask him if she was better in bed, he will probably deny it. So, the revenge affair would not eliminate the doubt in your mind, but you would be able to leave him with the exact same bitter thoughts.

When people are having intense sex the rest of the world ceases to exist for a awhile. Is the idea that he had that sort of experience tormenting you?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

itskaren said:


> Just to clarify no I would not dream of having an affair. It is just not in my make up. I could not do it to my lying, cheating husband or even the potential other affair person. I was just feeling a bit deflated.
> 
> I did however ask my husband if we could have an ''open marriage''. He said ''no''.. Funny that? He can screw around but I can't. I have asked for a trial separation and he is not keen on that either.
> 
> What to do .. what to do!


He can cheat but you can't! A survey of cheaters on a UK cheaters affair site found the vast majority of cheaters demanded 100% fidelity from their cheated upon spouse! This is hypocrisy but it shows that the Cheaters know their faithful spouse is a much better person than they are!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

itskaren said:


> You're right. I'll be the dutiful wife and mother for the next 5 years until my youngest is 18. Then I'll be out of the door as fast as I can.
> 
> Happy to pretend that all is well.
> 
> Thanks for your comments.


Staying together for the kids now that is going to be pure misery. Don't put yourself through it. If you can't trust him, and he doesn't care to do anything and everything to prove that your marriage is more important that staying near the OW. Then leave and take the kids. It may suck but, what's worse your kid being exposed to a broken marriage where you two basically hate each other but pretend to be in love for the kids. kids are not dumb but they are susceptible to their environment. So unless you want your child to be exposed to a dead marriage and the fallout then leave. It is better to have a separate life where you two can get along rather then trying to pretend things are okay.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You are confusing the advice to file for divorce with not giving him a chance to redeem himself. That option is always there for him to attempt, no matter what. Putting real, concrete consequences to his choices will help educate him as to exactly how stupid and how serious they were. It also helps preserve your self respect, and your sense of value, to yourself, and to him.


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## freedom7 (Jul 13, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> He can cheat but you can't! A survey of cheaters on a UK cheaters affair site found the vast majority of cheaters demanded 100% fidelity from their cheated upon spouse! This is hypocrisy but it shows that the Cheaters know their faithful spouse is a much better person than they are!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Or, rather, it may show they have a double standard based on entitlement. You know: "I deserve strange. You, otoh, should be satisfied with wonderful me (who wouldn't be?).


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Correct Sad and Angry. However, Itskaren may fear that her husband might treat it as an escape route instead of strong message. She may not feel secure enough, even though the approach that works is to avoid rug sweeping.


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Karen,
> 
> In the first 2 years or so after I found out about my husband's affair I used to have very strong thoughts about having a revenge affair. It was almost a compulsion. I've have thoughts that it was the only way I could get respect for myself back and feel good, feel wanted, feel worthy.
> 
> The desire to have a revenge affair eventually went away.


Thanks 
I too just don't feel like it at all now. I just wanted him to feel just a tiny bit of the pain that I have been feeling for him to get a taste of what he has caused me .


But that feeling has passed or passing!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Why TAMS is good for you. Hi Itskaren. I am a divorced dad of two teenage daughters. My ex did not cheat on me but I know that she felt attracted to other men when things weren't going well in our relationship. If we had remained married without fixing the problems in our relationship, one of us might have ended up in an affair, because cheating is a way to kill off a wounded marriage. It probably is destructive in most cases because it is not uplifting to sneak around and lie.

It is possible that some people enjoy lying to their spouse, but I would bet that in the initial phase of the affair the cheater feels like sh*t. However, when they realize they are going forward anyways, the guilt diminishes since they cannot think ill of themselves on a day to day basis. But this can only occur at the expense of the betrayed spouse. That is is why your husband wants you to just get over it. In the parlance of TAM that is rug sweeping.

The consequence of rug sweeping is a loss of respect. Your husband's love and affection will consequently diminish, unless you can get him to come to terms with what he has done. You don't think he has, otherwise you would not come here to read. If you have read read a few of the other threads, you'll quickly find that the experts know how these things play out.

Here is a nugget of wisdom from another thread (Mr. K). The background in this case the wife married and started having children at 20. After their second child at the age of 32 she spent a summer with a so-called toxic girlfriend hitting bars and coming home drunk. Now she is 44 and the couple have been in sexless marriage for 5 years.

Mr. K has no proof of what went on. From his description she clearly had sex, probably with more than one man. He is eaten up inside by this but his wife will not come clean, so he is living in misery with no resolution. Even now after the wound to their marriage has been septic for so many years, the advice he gets is:

*The wife detects immediately when the husband takes divorce off of the table. Things will only get worse for you.*

This applies equally to you. That is why filing for divorce is good you. It does not mean that you have to see the divorce through but it will force your husband to contemplate life without you. It is a move that will demand that he deeply consider what he had done. Once you have his respect, you will have better chance of successful reconciliation.

The last thing you want is to have a source of resentment that will fester. The threat of divorce is exactly what it is. But getting over it without getting to the bottom of it is also a threat to your marriage over the long run. Read what Halien says in the thread. He actually suggests alternatives to threatening divorce, such as being a broken record.


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

LongWalk said:


> Why TAMS is good for you. Hi Itskaren. I am a divorced dad of two teenage daughters. My ex did not cheat on me but I know that she felt attracted to other men when things weren't going well in our relationship. If we had remained married without fixing the problems in our relationship, one of us might have ended up in an affair, because cheating is a way to kill off a wounded marriage. It probably is destructive in most cases because it is not uplifting to sneak around and lie.
> 
> It is possible that some people enjoy lying to their spouse, but I would bet that in the initial phase of the affair the cheater feels like sh*t. However, when they realize they are going forward anyways, the guilt diminishes since they cannot think ill of themselves on a day to day basis. But this can only occur at the expense of the betrayed spouse. That is is why your husband wants you to just get over it. In the parlance of TAM that is rug sweeping.
> 
> ...



Thanks for your comments. Food for thought I appreciate them.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Here is another post:

Re: How do you be intimate again after infidelity???
Hurt&confused,

From readings your posts, I get the sense that what is holding you back is your WH not being truly remorseful or doing an heavy-lifting to save your marriage. He wants to rugsweep - and it will never fully get better if you accept such an arrangement, if you allow him to rugsweep. I think the saying on TAM has yet to click for you (only recently did for me) and so many: In order to save your marriage you have to first be willing to lose it. 

I think R is real this time for me. My tears didn't change him, but the divorce papers did. And being shocked about what he was about to lose, he began to see my pain too. Your husband has got to feel that he is about to lose his entire world before he'll start seriously reflecting on the damage he has done.

About your concern with intimacy after infidelity. While I think the main issue in your case is that your R is false (he's not all in - he hasn't been truly pushed out), it's normal to struggle with intimacy even when you want to move forward. Of course some do more than others.

I'm like you. After the third DDday my sexual organs and libido just shut down. I had zero interest in being sexual and it actually made me feel miserable. The times I attempted after Dday 2 I cried afterwards - always. Since the last Dday (and since my husband has REALLY changed it seems!) three weeks have passed and we have had sex one time. He knows I'm not at that stage yet. The one time we did was not as painful as before. And I am starting to feel more receptive to the idea and not totally disgusted by it. The more I see his remorse and efforts to bring me back to life, the more prepared I know I am becoming for intimacy. We are at the cuddling stage - which is what I need more than sex at the moment.

I think it bears repeating: In order to save your marriage, you first have to be willing to lose it. Only when you are mentally prepared to walk away, may your husband finally "get" what he has done to you and be ready to fight for you.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How are things going for you now?


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

LongWalk said:


> How are things going for you now?


Thank you for asking.

I feel just numb today. I have never felt so alone and scared in my life. 

When I am in work I am 'normal'' just doing my job. Happy and cheerful the lovely friendly nurse. As soon as I get in my car to drive home I just cry.

I think I have come to the realisation that my marriage has ended. 


But look. No one has died. Things really could be worse.

Thakns again


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

so sorry to hear, karen.

i know that right now it sounds so cliché, but you're better than this..... you deserve better.

hang in there. things become more clear with time.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Sorry to hear it. Keep posting


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## scorp79 (Apr 25, 2013)

If you wish to stay with the person sure it may help prevent you obsessing what the others person did, but from a blokes side of things if she also had an emotional affair revenge cheating just will not do a thing.

The emotional aspect of an affair is what has really killed myself. Knowing that person had loved or was falling in love with some one else speaking with them in pet names, thinking about them and planning with them.

My story (as per my thread) - online emotional cheating, pictures/video planning to meet the guy. The lies to my face when I knew.

Heading back home from Interstate on work tonight, I've told the other half I will be moving out tomorrow.

She then displayed true remorse to my face. I then heard her complaining and blame shifting to her family with words that were completely untrue. (I was playing a game with my Son and he was on Skype, I heard around 40minutes of pain even talking about how nice the other guy is and how she could have him if she wanted and how he said he would look after her blah blah)

I would always try to communicate ask if she was ok (when i knew something was up for a good 1year prior), she would make excuses, i'd state we are drifting apart whats going on. She'd say its fine she just feels anxious.

Then bam caught her cheating online with pictures/video/pet names and him being on her every thought.

There's no remorse, she's just scared for the kids and herself financially because I am on decent $$ and she doesn't work.

Who knows - I don't any more - reality has become twisted and blurred.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You haven't posted for a while, hopefully a sign that things are better.


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

Did your husband have an ea/pa? How long did it last? 

Maybe you're feeling this way because you haven't gotten full closure on the subject. How do you know 100% he isn't sill cheating? Is he remorseful? And did you have any marriage problems prior to this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I was in a situation once where my now EW who I thought was cheating, got all bent out of shape when I went to a business meeting with my attorney and her sister who at the time was giving me hints that she was available. My wife started giving me the 3rd degree about going knowing that the lawyers sister would also be there. I looked at my wife and said, "You know. You got a he!! of a lot of nerve accusing me of stepping out on you and you have to force yourself to even kiss me. Maybe if you acted like a wife rather than a stranger, I would stay home" That shut her up and I went and the lawyers sister was there and made her self available to me and I was tempted but then I thought why should I stoop to the same level as the wife. I smiled at the sister and told her thank you but no thank you because if I would have done the deed, I wouldn't be any better than my wife was and would have had a dirty bag of laundry hanging around my neck and hated myself. besides, I'm a lousy liar and I proved to myself that with a bit of self control, I could be a better person than she is. I booted her out and then I had no reason to feel guilty if I went out and met someone else. It ain't worth it and yes I did have a 5 year old daughter to think about too. I'm glad I used better judgement. Hope you do too.


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