# Help! How to live with ex while sorting out stuff



## aquajay (Feb 13, 2013)

I have "given my notice" so-to-speak on my marriage & told him the decision is non-negotiable a week ago.

We have a 4year old daughter, own our house together & have been sleeping separately for months. 

I'm wondering if anyone has feedback or insight on living with your ex while sorting out the separation/divorce details? He wants to come & go as he pleases, expects physical attention, to live as if he's on his own & it's NOT working for me. I would prefer he found somewhere to stay & not be in my face, challenging me at every turn! (Parenting, house stuff, cooking/meals, drinking, etc)

Has anyone gone thru this? What did you do?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I've not been through it. But from what I've seen, the best way to do this is for you to do the 180 and ignore him.

Let's look at a few things to see how it's being handled right now.

How are meals handled? Are you cooking meals and he eats them with you and the children?

How is laundry being handled?

How about grocery shopping?

Would he move out if you asked him to?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

There is no magic answer, and it is very difficult. I spent a LOT of time in my office by myself.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

I lived with my ex for 3 months after we officially separated. It was difficult. I gave her complete space as she did me. I cooked myself and the kids meals. If she decided to cook for them, I went out. I kept my own space in the house and she never entered - as I never entered hers. There was no expectation on either side of physical affection as being separated in my state required a complete cease and desist of that to prove separation for a year. I kept my work and social schedule, but made sure I had parenting time with the kids and made sure that I fulfilled my shared obligations to the kids. I continued to pay all of the household bills as I agreed to do. She handled her personal bills and car expenses. 

Your house is his house too. You've indicated to him that you are moving on and the decision is non-negotiable. What are you expecting from him at this point? 

My best recommendation is to get a parenting schedule worked out and make it clear that you are taking care of yourself and the kids. He can take care of himself and the kids too. He is still a parent and needs parenting time with the kids as you do. 

Detach from him. It's difficult to do, but if you keep your private space and boundaries, it will work better for you. It may not be the best long term solution. The less adverse each of you are (this becomes challenging too), the better off the kids will fare through this - please remember this and make it a part of every decision and move. 

HL


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## aquajay (Feb 13, 2013)

I'm the one to pay the bills (we have joint finances), grocery shop, he does his own laundry, and I'm the primary parent. 

He's started telling me "white lies" like saying he's going to the store, but he's really calling someone on a drive. 

It's hard to sort out this stuff & I'm feeling so panicked inside for my little girl. ?

This is so stressful. I am taking each day as it comes.


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## Tobin (Jun 24, 2015)

aquajay said:


> He wants to come & go as he pleases, expects physical attention


Ok, this is weird. Why would he expect physical attention if you've been "in house separated" for months?

You might be sending him the wrong message. Or sending too weak a message. 

As suggested by another you need to ignore him except for matters pertaining to divorce, financial or house related matters and of course your child. 

It may be necessary to obtain court orders to better define responsibilities in regard to parenting your child and supporting the household if he's not willing to do his part. 

Not understanding why you pay ALL the bills..


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## sadwife2012 (Aug 19, 2012)

I wish I knew the answer as I'm in exactly the same situation. I try and just get on with my life but it's difficult as my STBEx dominates the space. I live out of a toiletry bag and hold-all and I have nowhere of my own to sleep. I've just got back and found my washing taken out of the machine for the second day running and his being done instead - he's deliberately trying to wind me up and as furious as I am, I try not to rise to his bait. I spend as much time as possible out of the house, sitting in coffee bars or at the gym, but sometimes I just want to relax at home. I've tried to talk to him about splitting the space but he refuses point blank. I can't wait for the house to sell and for us to go our separate ways. I'm looking to the future but he seems stuck in the past, harping on about what I've done to him, ie got fed up with his lack of interest and filed for divorce. I wish there were a rule book on how to live like this. It's so difficult and as much as I try to get on with my life, I feel like it's on hold. Good luck!


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Do you live in a place where leaving the home means abandonment? Do you have to stay there, while the house sells or can you move to an apartment or flat on a short-term lease? The situation sounds miserable. Also, some places require that a couple no longer lives together before a divorce or legal separation can be granted. Have you spoken to an attorney?

I moved out within days, once my husband indicated his desire to end the marriage. We agreed the house would be sold eventually and any proceeds would be split. Right now, we are in the midst of a divorce. I could not have stayed in the home these past nine months. It has been incrediby freeing to be out on my own. Finances are very tight, but I am much happier and less stressed.

My advice is to talk to a lawyer. Find out if you have to stay to keep your claim on the house, how long you need to be physically separated before a divorce, etc (that can include sex, in some places, i.e if you are still having sex, a divorce can be delayed or refused). Just make sure you know the laws and if you can move out, consider it (since he won't apparently). Sounds like a miserable situation to me. I know a lot of people will say not to leave the home under any circumstances but it doesn't always matter anymore, depending upon where you live.


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## heartofhearts83 (Sep 8, 2015)

I promise, I just made a post about this and our details are SO similar! I have a four year old daughter, also. All of his actions are exactly those of my H! I'll be checking this thread as my question is the same. We have a few months left on our lease. I could throw him out but that would make things very hard on my daughter and I. So, like you, I'm trying to figure out how to live with this *******!


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

I normally don't recommmend big pharma on here but if you only have to make it a month or two til this is resolved I recommend a benzo like xanax or ativan. Ask ur md if he will prescribe and go numb thru this brief period until u are out of there. Then taper immediately.


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## aquajay (Feb 13, 2013)

Thank you for all your posts/comments. Yes, status quo it will be for me... We own our home jointly and have to fix it up before we can sell. We've been here for 6 years so have to get rid of a lit of stuff. 

Where we live, there's no issue regarding the law with property as its owned jointly, so I could leave. The only issue is I can't. We don't have the funds to pay for rent on another place & I also have a home based business that I work out of. Not to mention our daughter. I can't take her with me somewhere. 

Thus situation is crazy. I'm feeling stuck & this could take months. I am going to take over the spare room closet tonight & move out of the one we share. I'm sleeping in that room anyway. 

I have spoken with a lawyer & here a couple has to be separated for s year before divorce can be considered. I have an appointment in early October with a government mediation service that will get the separation, custody/access, support, parenting plan stuff going. 

Argh... after bawling my face off last night, I've got to put myself together for a big deal meeting at work this morning... 

Anyone know of something that is a quick fix for puffy eyes? I have been doing the cucumber & ice thing each morning with eye cream, but it isn't doing much. Is there a de-puffing cream that works?


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I have experience here. STBXH and I are still living in the same house, and have been for 2 months since we 100% decided it's over. He'll move out in about a month, so just a little more to go.

First piece of advice is zoloft. It's been a miracle drug for me. I am so much less stressed out, and feel so much better equipped for the decision-making I've had to do.

We've been going to therapy together once a month, and I go weekly. Next therapy session we'll role-play breaking the news to the kids with the therapist and be as prepared for that as possible.

Basically, I've adopted the mindset that this is time I can use to get as much support in place as possible so that this can be a bit easier for the kids. STBXH will rent the house two spaces over, which is a good part of his delay moving out. Girls have gotten started with therapists, and visitation and holiday plans are sorted out. I'm lifting weights and feeling more ready to be 100% present for them, as I've used these months to mourn and get through my own grief.

So, make the most of this time and consider it a gift! Couples counseling is a MUST so you can go into the co-parenting relationship with something of a friendship in place.

Good luck!!


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## aquajay (Feb 13, 2013)

Has anyone set up boundaries/house rules to live by while living under the same roof separated?

I wonder what they were & how you communicated with the other thru this time?


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Does he have anyone he could stay with? Or does he refuse to go?
I am sorry for your situation. I could not do it. I am on disability and moved out on my own within days of our decision to split. I am short money every month but I could not imagine putting myself through the stress of trying to maintain sanity while living together. Can you just do the minimum to get house ready snd sell it quickly for a bit less? Your well-being may be worth some money in the long run. This is not good for anyone, especially your daughter.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Recognize this will pass. You are situation where you are at his mercy to a large extent. Recognize that his behavior will carry over into your post divorce life in one sense or another. While you cannot control his actions, you can control your's and your emotional response to them. 

Understand that most of his comments have nothing to do what you are actually speaking about. It is a proxy war design and his self serving to prove to himself the error of your actions.

Be at peace.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

If you need to live in the same physical house, split everything else. 

Do not eat together, do laundry together, share groceries or any of that. 

Because you're now roommates.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dread Pirate Roberts (May 22, 2012)

aquajay said:


> I have spoken with a lawyer & here a couple has to be separated for s year before divorce can be considered.


Sorry for a bit of a tangent, but I see this posted quite a bit, and I'm just floored by that requirement. It must be like torture. Thank Zeus I'm in Nevada.

I wish I could give you advice - a motorcycle accident took care of any co-habitation issues during my divorce. Marduk's advice is sound, I think. That's basically how I lived up until the accident, and it made things bearable.

Good luck,

DPR


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## free2beme14 (May 2, 2014)

I am currently doing this, we decided the first part of August to separate and he was going to move into an apartment. The story is they would not have any ready until mid-September, then his friend asked him if he wanted his rental house since he is moving in with his GF. He decided to take that instead, more money per month--I don't think its the right choice, but not my problem. Now he finally can move in this weekend, but seems to think he is only take the "necessary" things. He says we will date and see if we can work things out, I don't have much faith in that--its all on him as far as I am concerned to show anything for any period of time. Right now at the house, he just acts like everything is fine.


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## aquajay (Feb 13, 2013)

Alrighty... so... it's been a month now & the situation is getting unbearable. He is extremely moody, has a short temper & is drinking way more. 

He is unpredictable & I'm really feeling stuck between a rock & a hard place. He thinks he can be, act or do whatever he wants (for the most part) & it's not working for him to be a father or "roommate" for that matter. 

How do I tell/ask him to leave? I'd rather avoid going to court or for this to get nasty. 

Does anyone have any suggestions?


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Can you kick him something or more or less bribe him to leave. I do that with my rental property. If I don't think the tenant is going to work out in the long run I offer them cash to leave. It's much cheaper than eviction. I think u are in the same boat. Even if you ask ur parents for some cash get him out of there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dani9195 (Sep 28, 2015)

I am going through a separation with my husband and we are staying together for a few weeks. It is very hard, because I still love him and don't want him to leave. We still sleep in the same bed, like nothing has changed. We have been together for 14 years. In Feb, I came clean and told him I have cheated on him more than just one time. Its very hard, but at the same time I feel like its the right thing to do because of what I put him thru. All I can say is I can relate and I hope you make it through this.


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