# Please help me I am so worried



## Andrea1970 (Nov 13, 2013)

Please help, I am desperate.

I am in my early 40s, a couple years older than my husband, and we have two kids, 11 and 7. We have been separated for almost two years and I think my marriage might be over.

I met him on line and we seemed pretty well matched for each other - he balanced me well, as I am often stoic and he is more free spirited and goofy. We were both going through some hard times when we met and we supported each other.

I think I did a lot of things wrong. I didn't really see it at the time, but our problems started after our first child was born. The baby was very attached to me and demanded a lot from me. My husband had recently been laid off, so he took care of the baby while I worked, and when I got home, baby took up most of my attention. My husband craved time with me but there were not enough hours of the day.

He would ask me for time away from the baby, so I would take our son and visit my friends. I really thought I was doing him a favor but I think he was asking for more time with me and I just took him a little too literally. He also asked for more sex. I thought we were on a good clip but he kept saying our marriage was sexless. (I think that was an exaggeration.)

I wanted our boy to have a sibling, so I asked that we have a second child. He was very resistant but ultimately agreed as long as I agreed to some "rules" - we would prioritize our relationship and I would step up with the housework since he had also resumed working. I agreed, and we had our second child, but this was even more demanding than the first, and although I thought I did a good job meeting his needs, I think I neglected him pretty bad.

We went though a long period of separate lives. I enjoyed taking the kids out to see my friends, but he stopped going with me. He kept trying to limit my time out so I'd be around the house more. I think I goofed because I thought he was controlling at the time, but all he wanted was time with me.

About 4 years ago, he met someone on line. He told me about her, he asked that we spend more time together because he was worried about their connection. I went out a couple extra times with him to try to help, but again I think I misread what was happening because I always thought he'd choose me.

I think he had a crush on her and ultimately we separated because he thought it was the right thing to do. I told him that I would date others if we separated, and he said he would too. In some sense, it was a relief, since I did not have to worry about his needs any more, but I did miss him.

During our separation, I think he talks with this girl (she is a bit young for him, but nothing I can do about that I suppose) quite a bit. In fairness, he has also tried to work with me - he proposed therapy and lots of date nights, but my attitude has been more or less that I won't be his second option, so I've said no and stuck to my guns until the girl is out of the picture. I also don't get much out of therapy anyway.

Now I'm realizing I've been really stupid. He must have felt so insecure with me (I'm not very emotional, so I teased him a lot that he is like the woman in the relationship that always needs to talk. I shouldn't have done that.) I want him back.

He tells me that he never stopped loving me, but some things hold him back. He is not comfortable with me sexually, he is not comfortable that I have a life outside the relationship (not with guys), and he said he doesn't feel really safe with me except on a surface level. He said that I was attractive, but he had lost a lot of his attraction for me long ago when we were not having much sex. He doesn't share his deeper thoughts with me any more, and I miss it.

We had a talk last night, and he said he is thinking about filing for divorce. He cried and said he missed me, but he wasn't very confident that we could overcome our hurdles.

I know I've been stupid. I also know he is not the perfect husband either. We are both flawed. What I want to know is - is this salvageable? He's always been my match, even if I haven't shown it.

Thank you and sorry for the long post.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

If you both want the same thing, anything is possible. Are you and he on the same page? Do you want the same things out of the relationship? If so, then get on with it. Ask him for another chance. Ask him to try for 6 months with you, because you are willing. 

All you can do is ask and hopefully he will accept.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Everyone is flawed to some extent. My wife has neglected me for 11 years, and I can tell you it suxs. There is no worse feeling than beingmdly in love with someone, and that love is not reciporated. All I can tell you is tell him how you feel and give him space. I hope everything works out for the both of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Oh did I mention Im a lousy speller?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Andrea1970 (Nov 13, 2013)

I appreciate the posts. I think the problem is that he does not really trust me. It's easy to say that I'm eager for sex or that I'm eager to make time for him, but his memories of me are the opposite and I don't think he trusts me to keep my word.

He keeps saying he hears the words but does not "feel" like it will actually happen. I think he wants to believe me but just doesn't. It's very sad.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your troubles. It seems like he's been feeling like 3rd place for about 11 years now, since he mentioned numerous different times that he wanted more time with you and was concerned that there was less sex between you two. 

Nobody's marriage is perfect, and I'm not one to talk about how to be an ideal spouse, but can say that as long as he feels like he's not your priority, he'll not feel the confidence to come back. Lots of people switch gears when they get kids, and put the children ahead of the relationship, and I get why: I love my kids, too. 

But, if we don't put our spouse and the relationship at #1, there's no relationship to have, and how happy are the kids going to be with divorced parents? I know it sucked for me when I was a kid and my folks split up.

If he was crying last night, and showing his hurt, it tells me that his heart has hardened on this. It could be your chance to pledge to make him #1 in your life. As far as I'm concerned, it's not too late until the divorce papers are done.

Would he be open to marriage counseling?

Best of luck.

SH


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Honestly it sounds like his lack of trust is well founded. I don't think its salvageable. Sorry. It just sounds like he's better off moving on and finding someone who really wants to be his wife.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Andrea1970 said:


> I appreciate the posts. I think the problem is that he does not really trust me. It's easy to say that I'm eager for sex or that I'm eager to make time for him, but his memories of me are the opposite and I don't think he trusts me to keep my word.
> 
> He keeps saying he hears the words but does not "feel" like it will actually happen. I think he wants to believe me but just doesn't. It's very sad.


For me it goes way beyond sex. I miss the random hugs, the " I love yous", the random kiss, the casual touch. But when it comes to sex be engaged and dont lay there like a piece of steak. Just my thoughts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Do you really want him back? So far it sounds like you've been pretty much aloof and indifferent to him for eleven years, and even now when faced with divorce I don't sense urgency from your post, although it's hard to tell with no tone of voice.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

What do you love about him? Why do you want him back?


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## Andrea1970 (Nov 13, 2013)

Well for me, I think of myself as a pretty logical person. I am not really driven by emotion in a way that he is. Maybe I am abnormal, and I'm not using that as an excuse. I'm trying to figure things out.

To me, I made some mistakes, so did he, but if we can just forgive and forget, everything seems like it'd be fine. It's not like that with him. He seems to hold snapshots of events and feelings in his head. He says he thinks of me on our wedding day and is happy. He thinks of some of the things I've said during arguments and it makes him sad. He says there is more sad than happy now and I see he is in pain. I don't know why he doesn't just let it go. I have more or less long since forgot about these things. As long as I am not currently in pain, I'm usually just happy and that's it.

I love him, he is my match, and I miss having him home. I wish I could understand how he thinks. I just want him to come home so we can be happy again.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Andrea1970 said:


> Well for me, I think of myself as a pretty logical person. I am not really driven by emotion in a way that he is. Maybe I am abnormal, and I'm not using that as an excuse. I'm trying to figure things out.
> 
> To me, I made some mistakes, so did he, but if we can just forgive and forget, everything seems like it'd be fine. It's not like that with him. He seems to hold snapshots of events and feelings in his head. He says he thinks of me on our wedding day and is happy. He thinks of some of the things I've said during arguments and it makes him sad. He says there is more sad than happy now and I see he is in pain. I don't know why he doesn't just let it go. I have more or less long since forgot about these things. As long as I am not currently in pain, I'm usually just happy and that's it.
> 
> I love him, he is my match, and I miss having him home. I wish I could understand how he thinks. I just want him to come home so we can be happy again.


You see your attitude, shown in this post, shows that you don't really have a problem with the way things are (or, were). It makes it sound like you'll just say forgive and forget and keep on acting the way you always have. That's exactly what he's afraid will happen. I mean if everything is fine then why change anything. You don't seem to acknowledge that everything is NOT fine from his perspective. Perhaps his perspective doesn't matter?

It's funny you say you want him to come home so "we" can be happen "again". Can you not even admit that the only one who was happy was you? He was not happy. He was neglected and lonely.


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## Andrea1970 (Nov 13, 2013)

I understand he was not happy. He wants sex and not to be lonely. I am getting lonely too so I understand. So theoretically if we keep each other company and I am more willing to have sex, doesn't that solve the problem?

That's what I mean. It's like he wants to live in his deprived, sexless state. How can I help him get out of that?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Andrea1970 said:


> I understand he was not happy. He wants sex and not to be lonely. I am getting lonely too so I understand. So theoretically if we keep each other company and I am more willing to have sex, doesn't that solve the problem?
> 
> That's what I mean. It's like he wants to live in his deprived, sexless state. How can I help him get out of that?


If this is how you communicate with him then I think you need to have your logical mind fix your vocabulary and think about the ramifications before you speak to him. What am I talking about??? I would gently advice that you NEVER again say that you're "willing" to have sex. Trust me, he doesn't care that you're willing. He doesn't want to be married to a woman who's willing. He want's a wife who "wants" to have sex.

I hope I'm not coming across as too bitter. I probably am. I'm just trying to illustrate to you so that you can see things from your husband's perspective.


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## Andrea1970 (Nov 13, 2013)

I forgot to answer the question about marriage counseling. I went with him a few times to marriage counseling, and nothing seemed to help. He kept trying to talk about sex and time away from my friends, I kept wanting to talk about how he doesn't help around the house as much as I'd like and how we needed better budgeting and spending reports and such. He would get so frustrated. I think after a while I just closed off and didn't want to go any more since nothing was getting accomplished.

He goes to therapy by himself and says he gets a lot out of it, but it isn't very helpful for me, so I don't go.

Maybe I should ask him to go again but I really don't know why it would help. I am already wanting to have sex if that is what it takes to have a good marriage for him. I think he has lost his attraction for me and I don't know how to get that back.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

" if that's what it takes to have a good marriage " At 40 plus years old you don't understand that's a requirement? You don't sound that into your husband.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I'm scratching my head a little here, because you sound very unenthusiastic and foot-draggy about this whole thing even though you claim to care. It sounds to me like either (1) you don't love your husband as much as you say you do (2) you're depressed or (3) you're just a VERY unemotional person


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Is English not your first language? There's an odd detachment in your posts. 

Based on what you've said so far, I think even Stevie Wonder can tell you what he sees wrong in your relationship. 

-Years of sexual rejection from you 
-Lack of time spent together 
-Lack of emotional intimacy by you
-No romantic love from you to him

The first three things, each one alone, will damage a marriage.

Honestly I feel sorry for him. He didn't deserve all the things you dished out. Perhaps you should let him find a woman who will love him (sexually and emotionally) the way he deserves. And you should do some counseling for yourself to figure out how to not return to the same patterns in your next relationship.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I don't see you two being a perfect match at all. He needs a warm, nurturing and sensitive woman... which you clearly are not.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Andrea1970 said:


> I forgot to answer the question about marriage counseling. I went with him a few times to marriage counseling, and nothing seemed to help. He kept trying to talk about sex and time away from my friends, I kept wanting to talk about how he doesn't help around the house as much as I'd like and how we needed better budgeting and spending reports and such. He would get so frustrated. I think after a while I just closed off and didn't want to go any more since nothing was getting accomplished.
> 
> He goes to therapy by himself and says he gets a lot out of it, but it isn't very helpful for me, so I don't go.
> 
> Maybe I should ask him to go again but I really don't know why it would help. I am already wanting to have sex if that is what it takes to have a good marriage for him. I think he has lost his attraction for me and I don't know how to get that back.


-A different counselor may be helpful, but if you go with an attitude which says "this is my chance to talk about how he's let me down" I wonder how successful it will be. If you attend with a "If I listen to what he says, I'll learn what I can do to make him feel appreciated", it might be very helpful.

-If my wife came to me and said "I'll have sex with you if that's what it takes" I would be devastated. Perhaps that's not what you've said to him, but your words hear indicate that's how you see it. Throwing some duty sex his way will NOT make him feel more loved, but make him feel a little worse about himself every single time it happens. If, however, you make love to him because you want to be with him and show him how much you love and desire him, he will feel that much more loved, that much desirable, and that much more like a man. 

-His shortcomings are their own thing in your marriage, and he doubtless has his own to answer for, but have you ever apologized to him for yours, told him how you will change for the better and then ask for his forgiveness? I'd have a hard time trusting anybody I have issues with if they haven't acknowledged their mistakes (which shows they've learned from them), and pledged to do better.

SH


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Read His Needs Her Needs and the Five Love Languages, if you have not already done so. They should help you understand better how to make a success of marriage.

If you meet his needs and he meets yours then you have the basis for a marriage.

Good luck.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

tryingtobebetter said:


> Read His Needs Her Needs and the Five Love Languages, if you have not already done so. They should help you understand better how to make a success of marriage.
> 
> If you meet his needs and he meets yours then you have the basis for a marriage.
> 
> Good luck.


Get LoveBusters, too. With HNHN and Lovebusters you should have a good plan on how to get the spark back and rebuild love and trust.


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## Andrea1970 (Nov 13, 2013)

I admit I have my flaws, but I think I feel emotions just like everyone else. I do not think I emote them anywhere close to how often my husband does, and I think it bothers him. I can tell that he tries a little too hard to get me to laugh at jokes or other things, but I don't understand why it isn't good enough that I am happy. I don't need to be overly emotional to be happy. I tell him I'm happy all the time. (He's usually the one that would walk around looking depressed.)

I had a talk with him last night and it didn't go well. I offered to schedule one weekend day and one weekday night to be just for him because he thrives when we are alone without any social interaction. I also wore my hair the way he likes it, and wore the earrings that he bought me years ago. I told him I had a sexy dream about him last night. Nothing seemed to make a difference.

I wish I understood why I can accept his emotional nature but he can't accept my calm demeanor. I wish he could just give me a road map that I could follow to get him back. It always seems like he wants me to read his mind.

I will try the books suggested. I think he has become pretty close to this other girl so apparently I'm too late. She's almost young enough to be his daughter. It is almost pitiful. I would do anything to get him back.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Andrea1970 said:


> I admit I have my flaws, but I think I feel emotions just like everyone else. I do not think I emote them anywhere close to how often my husband does, and I think it bothers him. I can tell that he tries a little too hard to get me to laugh at jokes or other things, but I don't understand why it isn't good enough that I am happy. I don't need to be overly emotional to be happy. I tell him I'm happy all the time. (He's usually the one that would walk around looking depressed.)
> 
> I had a talk with him last night and it didn't go well. I offered to schedule one weekend day and one weekday night to be just for him because he thrives when we are alone without any social interaction. I also wore my hair the way he likes it, and wore the earrings that he bought me years ago. I told him I had a sexy dream about him last night. Nothing seemed to make a difference.
> 
> ...


You keep saying how desperate you are to get him back out of one side of your mouth and demeaning him out of the other side of your mouth. I just don't believe you. Are you being honest with yourself?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

John Lee said:


> You keep saying how desperate you are to get him back out of one side of your mouth and demeaning him out of the other side of your mouth. I just don't believe you. Are you being honest with yourself?


I agree. I'm not "feeling" a lot of love here.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Andrea1970 said:


> Please help, I am desperate.
> 
> I am in my early 40s, a couple years older than my husband, and we have two kids, 11 and 7. We have been separated for almost two years and I think my marriage might be over.
> 
> ...


Don't beat yourself up.

He's too needy for you (remember your feelings of relief when you separated) & because you were not able to meet all of his needs, he entered into at least an emotional affair 4 years ago.

Not sure why he's getting a free pass here, but he's a cheater. Not a good role model for his children.

Frankly, he does sound like a big baby. It is hard work taking care of children & time alone sacrifices must be made. A good husband & father makes these sacrifices for the greater good of the family, not go online looking for young chicks to meet "needs."

uggg....I think you are better off without him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You should be spending at LEAST 15 hours a week together AWAY from the kids. That could be just having a cup of coffee together in the morning, cuddling in bed after the kids are asleep, reading the paper together while the kids play outside, on date nights with your regularly scheduled babysitter watching the kids, walking the dog and holding hands...many many ways to find time. You just have to _find the time._ Separation makes it hard, but you need to push for this time.

Also, you need to go get the book His Needs Her Needs, IMMEDIATELY. Get it, and sit down with him, and start reading it together. It will explain why you're in the boat you're in, and how to fix it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Emerald said:


> Not sure why he's getting a free pass here, but he's a cheater. Not a good role model for his children.
> 
> Frankly, he does sound like a big baby. It is hard work taking care of children & time alone sacrifices must be made. A good husband & father makes these sacrifices for the greater good of the family, not go online looking for young chicks to meet "needs."


meh, in this case, she admits that he told her repeatedly that she was ignoring him and not meeting his needs. He TRIED to get her to care about him and she admits she took him for granted.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Andrea1970 said:


> I wish he could just give me a road map that I could follow to get him back.


Here it is:

His Needs Her Needs


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Emerald said:


> he entered into at least an emotional affair 4 years ago.
> 
> Not sure why he's getting a free pass here, but he's a cheater. Not a good role model for his children.


I wouldn't want to give him a pass for it, because it's not right at all. I'll say that when he all of a sudden noticed that he was feeling a connection to this other woman, he went running to his wife to tell her, and was met with a "Meh, he'll come running back when he's ready."

So, no pass for his actions from me, but I can't come close understanding her reaction, either.

SH


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Honestly just from reading a few posts here I can empathize with the husband. OP, maybe you're just not in touch with your emotions? You seem either not fully aware of what you're feeling or you're not being honest about it, because every single post you make suggests that you don't actually care that much about your husband or his happiness, even though you claim you do.


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## Andrea1970 (Nov 13, 2013)

When my husband came to me about the girl, I told him he should try a date with her if he thought she could make him happy. I should never have done that in retrospect, but I thought I was being loving and doing what was best for him. I can forgive whatever he's done with her and to be fair I have dated some other guys since the separation too.

I read some of the information about the book and it all seems to get back to me being a sex partner for him and trying to lose weight and look good for him all the time. Honestly, between the kids and my job and all my commitments, I don't know what he is realistically expecting from me. Sex just isn't that important to me and I'm not sure how easily I can fake it. (I get more out of reading erotica than I do from sex anyway, I really need to concentrate during the act.)

My husband is always talking about me going to a counselor and trying to get in touch with my emotions too. It drives me crazy to be honest because I'm happy the way I am. I do not understand why my emotional state affects him so much. Do you really think he needs me to be emotive to be happy or is he just finding fault with me? It feels like he disapproves of me every time he says something like that.

As an aside, I have no idea where I'd find 15 hours a week, unless I could convince him to help me clean the house or something as part of it.


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## Andrea1970 (Nov 13, 2013)

I guess when I re-read my post I sound rather negative. I don't really mean anything in a negative way, I'm just trying to be practical and/or realistic.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Maybe you need some counselling for yourself. You sound like you have no idea what you actually feel. I also wonder if you're depressed. You keep sending your husband the message that you don't really want him or don't care if he goes. Now you're about to lose him and you still don't sound like you really give a crap.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I don't know if you're very emotionally repressed, depressed, or have Asperger's Syndrome. But the lack of emotion in your answers is very odd. You don't sound to me like you really want your husband back as a husband. If it comes through to us in posts on the internet, I can only imagine what it sounds like to him when you're talking to him face to face. You don't sound like a woman who is about to lose her marriage and husband.

I think you should get individual counseling for yourself.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Andrea1970 said:


> When my husband came to me about the girl, I told him he should try a date with her if he thought she could make him happy. I should never have done that in retrospect, but I thought I was being loving and doing what was best for him. I can forgive whatever he's done with her and to be fair I have dated some other guys since the separation too.


Yeah, you're right: that was a mistake. Huge one, actually. He came to you, looking for you to stamp yourself as the sole owner of his affections... And you sent him on a date with another woman. Can you understand how that must have been devastating for him? He'd begged for years for more affection. He'd been hesitant to have another child with you because he already felt like he didn't add up. 

Then he thought "Oh, I know! If I tell her I'm starting to have feelings for a woman online, she'll stop that; she'll show me how much I mean to her."

If I'd tried everything I knew how to do for over ten years, and my wife's response was to suggest going on a date with her, I'd be absolutely gutted.



> I read some of the information about the book and it all seems to get back to me being a sex partner for him and trying to lose weight and look good for him all the time. Honestly, between the kids and my job and all my commitments, I don't know what he is realistically expecting from me. Sex just isn't that important to me and I'm not sure how easily I can fake it. (I get more out of reading erotica than I do from sex anyway, I really need to concentrate during the act.)


Was sex always so unimportant to you, even before you guys had kids? Is he able to look back to a time in your relationship when he felt desired by you?



> My husband is always talking about me going to a counselor and trying to get in touch with my emotions too. It drives me crazy to be honest because I'm happy the way I am. *I do not understand why my emotional state affects him so much.* Do you really think he needs me to be emotive to be happy or is he just finding fault with me? It feels like he disapproves of me every time he says something like that.


He may be really sensitive about that now, and reacting to small things. Honestly, I don't see how counseling for each of you, separately AND as a couple, could be anything but good, provided you each go in with the right attitude.



> As an aside, I have no idea where I'd find 15 hours a week, unless I could convince him to help me clean the house or something as part of it.


That's two hours per day, and it doesn't have to be all at once, and it doesn't have to be the two of you sitting in a darkened room, softly staring into each other's eyes.

If you're saying you can't find as much time for your husband as a teenager can in high school for a part-time job, then you're definitely finished... If you can't make your marriage THE most important thing, there simply won't be a marriage to save.

When I see that comment, it almost makes me think you didn't mind him going out with this woman so she could take that "work" off your hands.

Anyway, I don't wish to come off as negative. If you didn't care, I don't think you would have gone through the trouble of creating an account and posting your story. Good luck to you.

SH


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

sh987 said:


> when he all of a sudden noticed that he was feeling a connection to this other woman, he went running to his wife to tell her


This.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Andrea1970 said:


> I read some of the information about the book and it all seems to get back to me being a sex partner for him and trying to lose weight and look good for him all the time.


And...that's why you actually READ the book.

Sorry for being so snarky. But so are you. 

The book is about having an EQUAL marriage in which BOTH OF YOU focus on putting your spouse at least as important as yourself, if not ahead.

It has very little to do with sex or being your partner's plaything. It HAS EVERYTHING to do with not only knowing what makes your spouse happy but WANTING to be that one person in your spouse's life who can MAKE him/her happy. Is that likely to include the fact that most men's top 2 Emotional Needs are sex and an attractive spouse? Yes, it is. That's life. Men are visual and sexual creatures. You can pretend they aren't, and you'll end up...losing your spouse.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Andrea1970 said:


> My husband is always talking about me going to a counselor and trying to get in touch with my emotions too. It drives me crazy to be honest because I'm happy the way I am. I do not understand why my emotional state affects him so much.


Interesting that your husband of so many years and a group of internet strangers who don't even know you can hit on the same potential issue.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Andrea1970 said:


> I have no idea where I'd find 15 hours a week, unless I could convince him to help me clean the house or something as part of it.


Kind of defeats the purpose.

So you get up, go straight to work in 10 minutes, come home from work and spend every single minute doing kitchen/kids/cleaning/laundry until you crash at midnight? Every single day? And your weekends are spent following around every member of your family and doing what they want or need? All the time?

Andrea, it's clear you're intent on taking care of your own happiness and meeting your own needs. You don't, for whatever reason, get the whole point of being married. I suggest IC where you can discuss what you keep running up against. Your IC will be able to help you see what this looks like from everyone else's side.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Andrea1970 said:


> As an aside, I have no idea where I'd find 15 hours a week, unless I could convince him to help me clean the house or something as part of it.


You're not the President of the United States. Trust me, you have 15 hours. Other people who have children and work full-time jobs, find 15 hours a week, so can you. It starts with WANTING to spend 15 hours a week with him. If you have that attitude, you'll find the hours in the week. Your problem is you truly don't want to spend the time with him, so you come up with excuses.

Think about it, if you're watching television, that hour could be spent with your spouse. You could find one hour at night when the kids are asleep. If your kids don't sleep until say 10 pm then you need to teach them to go to bed by 8:30 pm. So if you can find 1-2 hours a day at night with your husband that comes to 5 hours during weekdays. Then you come to Saturday and Sunday..spend about 4 hours with him on each day, you'll have the 15 hours. It's not rocket science. It just takes a willingness to make time with your husband a priority.


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## whathappenedtome (Nov 4, 2013)

I struggle to understand how 12 years of neglect could be fixed Ina few months. He doesn't trust you, and with good reason. Trust is earned over long periods of time. 

I would say if you really do care about him, you need to take every opportunity to make him a priority. If that's not something you can do, I wouldn't blame him for bailing.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Andrea, I'm sure you're feeling beat up. A lot. I imagine you came here expecting people to agree with you. But no one did. Think about that. Why did that happen? 

We don't know you, so we read the 'clues' (what you say) to form an opinion. We could be off in our assessment, but we rarely are. That's because what you do say tells loads about a person, what you say, how you say it.

Now, what do you do with this? Hopefully, you are not so beat up you've stopped reading. Because there is a lot of good that can come from this, whether you end up staying married or not. I really believe that our role on this earth is to keep learning, keep changing, keep improving. This is your opportunity to take a new look at your life and where you are headed. 

I do want to say that I completely empathize with you. I, too, am not a connector. Just yesterday, my DD23 who has a BS in psychology, was telling me about a new diagnosis in their world about people who ... don't feel. They used to say these people are depressed, but now they just believe that they have a low level of this chemical that makes you 'feel'. My brother and I fit the bill to a T. I've never been emotional, just logical. Like you. Wedding day? Nada. Birth of DD? Acted like I was super excited because I knew everyone expected it. Doesn't mean I don't love her, just that I don't express emotion. Maybe that's where you are.

My H, like yours, wants me to cuddle, wants me to be all into the sex, when all I want to do is do it, get the O, and get it over with so I can go to sleep (or get up and accomplish something). Doesn't make me a bad person - or you. Just that we have different drivers than other people.

But if you want to stay married, you have to understand that it IS a contract. It's a promise to put your husband at LEAST by your side, if not ahead of you. The reason I'm still married after 35 years is that I did choose to do that. He always gets what he needs, even if I'm not into it. Why? Because I married him and I owe it to him to ensure he's getting his needs met. When the time comes that I'm no longer willing to do that, I NEED TO LEAVE THE MARRIAGE. Not stay here and suck the life out of him.

So I think you have a decision to make. Either you realize he IS as important as you, and bust your butt to make up for all the years of neglect, or you accept that he just ISN'T THAT IMPORTANT to you, and at least do him the favor of cutting him loose so he can find someone else.


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## Andrea1970 (Nov 13, 2013)

Thank you Turnera. I am a little hurt by all the posts, but it is exactly what I encounter with my husband so I guess I shouldn't be surprised. 

I do not think I am emotionally repressed because I feel things. I am extremely disappointed in my husband going after his new girl friend. I feel overwhelmed by his neediness when it comes to sex, and I feel like I'm being set up for failure when he won't take the sex that I offer. I miss having him around the house. I hate having to do everything by myself. Etc. But I do think that I handle my thoughts better than most because I can put them aside so they are not in my mind.

Today we went to an event for the kids and I reached for his hand. He did not pull away, and even held my hand briefly. He seemed distant though. Tomorrow we are supposed to have a talk and I'm guessing my chances of our relationship making it will expire then.

Turnera, how do you convince your husband you are into him emotionally if you feel as I do? My husband is always saying, "It's not that I need you to do anything, it's just that I wish you wanted to." Truth is, I do not "want" or "need" the things he needs so that seems like an impossible demand to meet.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

The problem now is that now you have competition. And she's probably doing all the things she wants. Even if everything is equal it's extremely hard to compete with a new kitty. Your approach is not a formula for success.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

If you both want to give your marriage a second chance, I would advise MC and strict ground rules:-


No EAs for him (ie chatting to other women online)
You make one another a priority
You communicate with one another
Regular date nights
Regular sex


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He's now seeing what a real marriage looks like. What YOURS should have looked like. So, honestly, he won't be back. Not unless YOU have a come to Jesus moment.

IS he as important as you are, in your mind? Doesn't seem like it.

The truth is, you won't get him back, you won't even have a CHANCE at getting him back, until you realize this.

Doesn't sound like you're really that into him. It sounds like you think it sucks having to live alone, so now you want him back, but you still don't want him back for the right reasons.

I'd start with that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Andrea1970 said:


> Turnera, how do you convince your husband you are into him emotionally if you feel as I do? My husband is always saying, "It's not that I need you to do anything, it's just that I wish you wanted to." Truth is, I do not "want" or "need" the things he needs so that seems like an impossible demand to meet.


See, here is how our stories are different. I spent the last 35 years making sure he was taken care of. YOU spent your marriage taking care of yourself, while he shriveled and died inside from lack of love from you. So, by the time I was finally fed up and saying I was leaving if something didn't change, HE WANTED ME.

You can't say that any more. Your H hung around for years, hoping to see a change in you, while his love for you died a slow death due to all your Love Busters. HE finally got fed up. And went out and figured out that he didn't have to settle for a sterile marriage all these years. He now has a girlfriend who makes him feel special, who really cares about him, who he looks forward to coming home to.

The only thing missing in this equation - assuming you really love him and want him back - is the change in YOU.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Andrea1970 said:


> Thank you Turnera. I am a little hurt by all the posts, but it is exactly what I encounter with my husband so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.
> 
> I do not think I am emotionally repressed because I feel things. I am extremely disappointed in my husband going after his new girl friend. I feel overwhelmed by his neediness when it comes to sex, and I feel like I'm being set up for failure when he won't take the sex that I offer. I miss having him around the house. I hate having to do everything by myself. Etc. But I do think that I handle my thoughts better than most because I can put them aside so they are not in my mind.
> 
> ...


I still don't hear you saying a single thing that you actually like about your husband. All I hear is that you don't want to be alone. Maybe you just haven't actually faced the prospect of losing him. Maybe you're not used to the idea of actually having to work hard to keep someone. But if you really love your husband, why aren't you willing to fight to keep him? Why aren't you willing to work harder at your marriage? Why can't you push your comfort zone even a little? It's like you want it both ways -- you want to keep the convenient relationship with your husband without having to actually hold up your end of a relationship.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think the man wants some passion from his SO. He wants to be wanted in the passionate way that most of us do. You don't sound like you have that to give him. You say you are his match, but in this respect, you are not.


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## dontbeused (Nov 15, 2013)

Andrea1970 said:


> I admit I have my flaws, but I think I feel emotions just like everyone else. P*roblem is more that you do not see his emotion as valid, and are not willing to do the real work needed to improve your relationship by coming out of your comfort zone and giving him more of what he* *needs*. I do not think I emote them anywhere close to how often my husband does, *because you get what YOU* *want* and I think it bothers him. I can tell that he tries a little too hard to get me to laugh at jokes or other things, but I don't understand why it isn't good enough that I am happy. I don't need to be overly emotional to be happy. I tell him I'm happy all the time. *Words do not mean much, when little **evidence is there to back the words up.* *Not to mention if he is not happy so much, why are you so **happy?*(He's usually the one that would walk around looking depressed.)*Who can blame him?*
> 
> I had a talk with him last night and it didn't go well. I offered to schedule one weekend day and one weekday night to be just for him because he thrives when we are alone without any social interaction. I also wore my hair the way he likes it, and wore the earrings that he bought me years ago. I told him I had a sexy dream about him last night. Nothing seemed to make a difference. *You have destroyed a lot, to expect him to just "forgive and forget" as you already stated you wish he would do, is very selfish of you. I doubt he bought the sexy dream story, either. I know I didn't.
> *
> ...


Try a new counselor btw. Saying it was not helping you, after reading what you write, means you need to keep looking. You definitely can use the help at getting an idea of how others see you and why.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

For you this lack of affection is probably 5% of your marriage. For him it's 95% of the marriage. In an area that is so vital to him, you aren't providing him what he needs and he's ready to leave. You need to dig deep to figure out why if you love him you are unwilling to express it in the way he wants it. You also need to find out if you're truly attracted to him. Do you have any resentments or grudges against him for things he might have done long ago? You don't have to answer to me, but think about it.

I feel bad for your husband. Who wants to ASK one's spouse to hug and kiss them? That would make me feel undesired and unwanted, like a piece of furniture in the house. He can't become some checklist that you're trying to complete each day. "Did the dishes, took the children to school, hugged and kissed my husband..oh wait.. I didn't do that today, better do it when he comes home." He doesn't want to be on your to-do list. He wants it coming from within because you desire him and love him. He doesn't want want your pity affection or obligatory sex.


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## Andrea1970 (Nov 13, 2013)

He asked to talk today, and he mentioned many of the things said in the posts. Long story short, he feels like he gives a lot to me freely (which I admit is true), but that when it comes to his things, we often debate and negotiate what is reasonable and he has run out of patience for that.

He said he is planning on filing and having things moving by the end of the year. He said that I should feel free to mentally move on and date others and/or limit my contact with him because of this - these are two things I threatened that I would do if he filed. Oddly, though, he said he would be available in the meantime for conversation "if anything major changes".

He was very confident and self-assured. He did crack at one point and starting crying, at which time he excused himself and left for a while. I don't think I've ever seen him look like that before. I wish I told him more often how attractive he can be.

I told him I loved him at least 5 times. He helped me get some cobwebs off the ceiling fan (I am too short to reach), and he made our kids' favorite sandwiches. I love him so much. I tried to ask him to stay but he went home. He said he would come over tomorrow or Tuesday.

I think I realize that I have made a horrible mistake with my marriage. My husband told me a number of times in his talk that he had been selfish - for his affair, for not helping around the house more - but I'm starting to think that I've been the selfish one. I tried to hug him and while he holds me, he does not really hug me back. I hope that tomorrow goes better. I will try to tell him how much I love him every chance I get.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Ask him exactly what he means by 'if anything major happens,' and if he means that he sees you changing your behavior in certain ways, then you have a goal.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He is giving you ONE LAST CHANCE. to turn your life around. to start actually LOVING him, instead of yourself.

If you can't pull this off, you have lost him.


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## daysgoneby (Aug 31, 2013)

Sounds like he grew a pair and moved on, you should to.


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## Almost There (Oct 23, 2013)

I agree with the other posters with the lack of emotion... but I think it's started to hit you now, right? Your last post seemed almost panicky, which means that I think you're realizing that you do love him, and you don't want to leave him.

My advice at this point would be: action! This is especially important because (a) you have a tendency to come across as emotionless and detached because of your word choices; and (b) after 11 years of words and dealing with the same problem, he's going to need to see action to be reassured at this point.

1. Ask him what he means by "major change." Ask him what he wants to see happen here. LISTEN. Take notes if you have to, to remember the important parts. And whatever you do, do NOT filter his words! Don't think "well that's important but that part probably isn't." Treat everything as important, simply because he's saying it. Make forward progress on everything he tells you, no matter how small.
2. Individual counseling. This is always a good idea. It'll help delve into the lack of emotion that's been such a problem in your relationship and good ways to combat falling into the same routines that originally ruined your marriage.
3. Ask him out! For dates! Just you & him. Get a sitter for the kids, set it up, go to his favorite places. SHOW him you care. Give him what he's been desperate for and SHOW him that you're willing to make an effort, even when he says he's going to file.

I would do 2 and 3 regardless of the answers you get from 1.

Also... I can't imagine how you're keeping your cool while your H has at least an EA! Just wanting him to be happy!?! My boyfriend and I aren't even married yet and if he ever did something like that I would not only be devastated, but I'd reclaim my territory so fast his head would SPIN. It would not be pretty!!

I really wish you the best for repairing this. Be honest with yourself, though: if you truly cannot overcome your lack of emotion, or if you don't WANT to, then it's best to let him go. If not, then work hard to make sure you don't fall back into the same patterns that led to this, and most importantly... listen to him!!! Be prepared for some emotional fallout on your part if the fact that he's with another woman really 'hits' you. It won't be fair or logical but... it may happen.

Good luck!!


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## Andrea1970 (Nov 13, 2013)

I tried to arrange a couple fun activities and my husband went. He seemed to have a good time. At one point, I told him I thought we were doing much better now, but he was very negative and said he still didn't think we were in a great place.

I tried to have one of our painful talks that he seems to enjoy so much, and I asked him what he thought was wrong. He said that he considers himself a conflict resolver and having unresolved issues such as sex or time together weighs on him. He said that I avoid conflict, which I don't really think is true but I admit I get tired of hearing about sex sex sex and time together over and over. So I admit I can only take so much and eventually shut down the discussion.

He said that we will never be happy because he will never be happy with so much unresolved conflict, and yet he knows that the talks we have to try to repair the issues drain me. He says he is giving up because he is in pain, but the path to him resolving those issues hurts me too much.

I don't understand how he can expect to even try to resolve issues if he isn't living with me. I also don't understand why sex is considered an unresolved issue since I offered sex the other day and he turned me down.

I really am trying to listen to him. Please help.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oh, no! You turned him down hundreds and hundreds of times, but hey! You offered. Once. He should just get over it already.

Right?


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## Andrea1970 (Nov 13, 2013)

I understand that I failed. I understand he's hurt. I'm probably going to lose my marriage over it. I get it.

I'm asking if there is anything I'm overlooking. If I turn him down for sex, I'm the bad one. If I don't turn him down, he doesn't take me up on it, and I'm still the bad one. I do not see the way to "resolve" this as he keeps saying. 

I admit I'm mad and probably getting emotional, but I'm frustrated because I don't see the way to fix this.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Instead of offering sex, pursue it. Ask for it for you, rather than offer it for him.


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## RAN (Oct 14, 2012)

You are loosing your marriage because of this

*PREVIOUS* 

1) He would ask me for time away from the baby, so I would take our son and visit my friends. I really thought I was doing him a favor but I think he was asking for more time with me and I just took him a little too literally.

2) We went though a long period of separate lives. I enjoyed taking the kids out to see my friends, but he stopped going with me. He kept trying to limit my time out so I'd be around the house more. I think I goofed because I thought he was controlling at the time, but all he wanted was time with me.

3) About 4 years ago, he met someone on line. He told me about her, he asked that we spend more time together because he was worried about their connection. I went out a couple extra times with him to try to help, but again I think I misread what was happening because I always thought he'd choose me.

*NOW*

4) I had a talk with him last night and it didn't go well. *I offered to schedule one weekend day and one weekday night to be just for him because he thrives when we are alone without any social interaction.*

Scheduling to be with your Husband ??????

5) but I admit I get tired of hearing about sex sex sex and time together over and over.

Now after reading HIS NEEDS,HER NEEDS you have come to a conclusion that you want to have sex with him only to save your marriage(I am assuming). 

*MAN NEEDS

What do men most want to fill their love tanks?

1. Sexual fulfillment

2. Recreational companionship

3. An attractive spouse

4. Domestic support

5. Admiration also includes respect.*​
It is hard to be disenchanted with a person who thinks you are a great person?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Andrea1970 said:


> I admit I'm mad and probably getting emotional, but I'm frustrated because I don't see the way to fix this.


I'll repeat what everyone keeps telling you. This isn't about him. It's about you. It's about your core belief system that you come first. That you don't do something unless it pleases you or, if you feel forced to do something, you make it blatantly obvious you're being a martyr for doing it.

IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU.

Where is the joy you should feel in seeing your husband's face light up when you get him the perfect gift because you know him so well? Where's the excitement at knowing he'll be home in 10 minutes and you whipped up a fancy dinner you know he likes, cos you can't wait to see the joy on his face? 

Where's the daydreaming as you walk the mall, wondering which of the jackets you see will be the one that makes him smile when he wears it? Where's the willingness, and excitement, to try new things in the bedroom that you think he will like, so you can be the ONE person who truly rocks his world? And who he can then brag about to his pals (which guys love to do)?

The person I'm describing - who is the person you COULD become if you WANTED to - is what he needs. You just need to ask yourself if you're willing to look long and hard at yourself and YOUR set-in ways and decide if you can adapt for another person. It will take work. So I guess the real question here is do you love him enough - are you even CAPABLE of love - to at least meet him halfway?


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

> I told him that I would date others if we separated, and he said he would too. *In some sense, it was a relief, since I did not have to worry about his needs any more, but I did miss him.*


This, right here, says it all. As long as YOUR needs and expectations are met, you're fine. But when someone else expects the same from you, it's martyrdom and the biggest effort in the world? 

Do him a favor and divorce him. While you're at it, give him sole custody of those kids, too. You're neither willing nor able to be a wife or mother and you never were; you're a narcissist. You think it's tough being married? Just wait until your kids are grown and communicating in ways that are uncomfortable to you ... or expressing ideas YOU don't like.

I'm glad your husband realized this about you and grew a pair before it was too late. No one deserves to live like he has for the past 11 years. Granted, no one and no relationship is perfect. But at least *he* has tried. You have not - and from what I'm reading, you're not willing to REALLY try.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Instead of offering sex, pursue it. Ask for it for you, rather than offer it for him.


I agree, but I don't this this poster knows how to pursue her husband. She seems passive and unaware of how to break out of that mold. She probably needs very specific, step-by-step directions until she's comfortable winging it.


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## Andrea1970 (Nov 13, 2013)

Well, I guess everyone was right.

We had a few conversations over the past couple weeks, and they did not go well. I tried offering him a number of solutions but he did not take to any of them. He was very emotional at times and clearly wanted some kind of resolution that I could not give.

On Wednesday he announced that he had reached his "cut off day", that he had tried "up until the final hour", and that he had to dissolve the marriage. He said he would file shortly after the holiday and intended to spend the holiday with his new girlfriend.

He seemed to get a little hesitant, but I told him he had made his choice and he had to live with it. I'm going to push the divorce through as quickly as I can.

Surprisingly, he has not shown up at my door or called me begging to talk.

Have I done all I could here, or is there still a missing element that I haven't figured out that could save this? I am heartbroken, but more than anything else, I am mad, and most of my friends agree that I should not play second fiddle to anyone.

I get the impression that he is trying his best to be forceful but he still is very emotional about the topic. Why didn't he choose me instead of her, when I tried so hard to find common ground?

Thank you for any help.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You say we were right, yet you still don't listen to the advice we gave. About looking at yourself. Andrea, YOU are the reason he's leaving you. Your entire latest post is about you and what you deserve. You didn't try 'so hard' to find common ground. If you had, you'd be going to IC, you'd be asking about how to become more introspective and giving, you'd be seeking ways to stop being so self-serving. But that didn't happen. You're still here going on yet again about how YOU won't be trampled on, how mad you are.

I'm sorry he's divorcing you. But I hope some day you'll think back about this and recognize what people were trying to tell you.


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

Andrea1970 said:


> Surprisingly, he has not shown up at my door or called me begging to talk.


Surprisingly he's been "Trying" to talk to YOU for years, and failing....



Andrea1970 said:


> *(1)* Have I done all I could here, or is there still a missing element that I haven't figured out that could save this?
> 
> *(2)* I am heartbroken, but more than anything else, I am mad, and most of *(3)* my friends agree that I should not play second fiddle to anyone.


(1) You're "heartbroken" - Really??? Read ALL your POSTS again, and "BEST" advise you've been given so far!!!!!!
(2) Send your "Friends" here and get them to read this thread, and then ask them for their opinions.
(3) Your "Husband" has been "Second Fiddle" to you for years.



Andrea1970 said:


> I get the impression that he is trying his best to be forceful but he still is very emotional about the topic. Why didn't he choose me instead of her, when I tried so hard to find common ground?


Logic + Emotion = Human being! Where's your emotions here?

I'm sorry, this post was really cold, but that's how you've come across in every post from you to us. 

I'm sorry your marriage is ending. 

Good luck!!!!!


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Sorry to hear about it, Andrea. I don't wish to kick you when you're down by pointing out mistakes you made, but will say this: take an honest look at what's been said here, by yourself and others. Do NOT just listen to your friends tell you how he did you wrong. Cast the harshest light possible on yourself and your input into the dissolution of the marriage...

I don't say that to pour salt on your wounds, but only because it can help you for the next time around.

Good luck to you.


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## swade87 (Oct 23, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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