# Rebound-Not this time!



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

I have to share this because it is really important to me.

This is the first time I don't have a backup plan which was always another man. I am going through the pain of separation alone. And I have never really been on my own since 17 years old ( a long time ago, trust me).

So what happens, fear has consumed me. That I have to rely on myself to be alone for the first time in my adulthood. Funny thing is I could have had a backup 2 months ago very easily. I went on match.com (in retaliation) and dated one time a man who was extremely interested. But I was not ready.

Told my stbxh that I was not re-bounding. I was determined to go this alone and grow through the pain. I need to stand on my own feet so I can have a truly whole relationship next time if there is a next time.

How can you have a healthy relationship if you are always looking for the other to fulfill your needy needs? I have done this in the past and I don't want to repeat it. I made huge mistakes because of it.

Faith not fear. (I have to keep reminding myself to get through the fear).


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I think of it this way:
How does a man earn income? He works.
Picture the man you think would meet your emotional needs....
How do you think he would have achieved the emotional firm ground that would give him the 'skills' to do that?
A man is a human being, just like a woman.
You shouldn't see yourself as being weak or fragile.
Taking good care of yourself is the most sure way to begin to meet your emotional needs and to provide security for yourself. If you know you will go the distance for yourself and can count on yourself, you an accept love from someone else more easily, and have the pleasure of knowing it is the individual that you adore and want to spend time with, rather than someone to do more than his fair share. 

I think maybe from what you say and my own personal experience is that you might tend to be TOO giving in a relationship. And so have undermined your confidence that you can do as much or even more - and are willing to - to take care of yourself as you would for a man. 

I'm pretty sure I don't want to be rescued, and financial fear is a biggie. But guys are this way too! I worked in this relationship I'm leaving, in order to take care of myself and my children. It was only when I discovered H's side 'issues' that I made the decision to stop working in order to be available to focus on the relationship. I think this was a good call. I was so buried in pulling my own weight and keeping up that I didn't realize that I was also giving a lot more than my fair share emotionally and physically, and was certainly NOT being taken care of in return. Everything I did was either for my spouse or my children. Even staying in shape was focused on justifying the time at the gym and the time I spent running as being able to keep up with H on whatever rock climbing outings we did. He would ALWAYS walk too fast (he's 6'3" and I am 5'2") going over uneven terrain, despite telling me that he would walk at his former long-term gf's pace (she's my size, I used to see her at the gym...and she's the one who told me to get a feminist therapist when I asked her about what the heck might be up with my H and this old gf of his...I LOVE that woman. Best friend I never had...always wanted to be introduced to her as H wanted to stay friends but I guess she called it all off, the friendship and H would always have some excuse for why not to...yah I know - red flag!)

Anyway, if you jumped through hoops for a man you can jump with even more finesse for yourself. 

I take care of myself the way I think my grandmother would. Also, even though I only have a couple, maybe one or two, close friends (relationship with H really put up a barrier to friendships) since I have been individually functioning I have met a lot of people who do care about me. Most or all of them I have been able to speak about what I am going through. It's different getting support for your individual effort and self-care than asking for help you probably don't need.

Think about this. What if you met someone who had a child he supported and was working two jobs to take care of himself and child/ren. This kinds of jobs that didn't allow personal phone calls and had schedules that were varied and with little control over hours. AND you really liked him and dated and it led to a relationship. Wouldn't you want to be able to function in that relationship, and not be subject to the demands of the necessary logistics? Knowing that you could deal with necessary absences and being put rightly so after necessary work and self-care and care of a child? That's what I would need from a man at this point so I would certainly expect that *I* should be able to offer than to a man, too. With laurels.

One of the reasons I was able to be in a relationship with my H despite his rock climbing and National Guard duty and his work being 1.25 hours away one way was because I was secure. I didn't NEED him. I still don't although what he did to our relationship in terms of abuse and cheating has created a LOT of hassles for myself and my children. We're making the best of our situation to put our life back to the way it was before H came into the picture - sustainable and safe and fulfilling in so many ways. 

Maybe it's true what H says, that he thought that I was cheating on him all along and that HE was insecure and because of that he did the things that messed up our marriage. In that case, take a lesson from his insecurity.
If you are overly needy emotionally in a relationship it's going to bite you either way. Maybe you would find someone who gives you all the love you want and need, many many reassurances and you would distrust it because of the fear of losing it. Or think it was just unbelievable, only a reject would give you that kind of love (because it's not something you would give yourself...or that you might generally tend to go to basket-case thinking about yourself - which is NORMAL - but it's your response to that thinking that is the difference...whether you truly believe it or not...and can change the voice inside your head that you listen to.) 

Here is my take on this. I want to be in a relationship that if my H ends up permanently disabled, I would still feel love for them and it would be the most natural thing in the world to take care of them...and be able to. If I could do that, then of course I can take care of myself, and my children, and have the added incentive to be so solid that I could go the distance for someone who went the distance for me. (I got left/abandoned at hospital/home when very sick, by my husband. In fact, one year when I was sick he insisted on dragging me out for a birthday lunch even though I wheezed and stuggled through it, then he went on military training and left me, the first thing I did was Lamaze breathe myself to a clinic and got diagnosed with pneuomonia but it was what I know now to be anaphylaxis...anyway I actually could have died and that's not exaggerating...). 

If my H (not current, but theoretical future relationship) died, I would want the rest of my life to miss him, not because I was lonely and unfulfilled emotionally, but being able to truly remember all the sweet moments I was able to receive, not out of a displaced hungry emotional greed (rhymes with need) but ones I was able to hold and cherish not to grab onto. I'd not want to feel bereft and then still emotionally needy because my 'supply' was gone. 

It's something to shoot for. I really like myself and care about myself, and that is a powerful thing. It has allowed me to do a difficult thing to go the distance for myself and my children. I PROMISED myself I would do that. I just didn't expect that I would have to. But I trusted my H to look after my needs as well as I did, and as well as he looked after his own. That just did not happen. He gave me what he could AFFORD, I borrowed from other places in my life, including myself and probably my children and definitely my friends, to give to him. He took what was mine and used it to toy with other woman. He really is an abuser. Taking care of yourself emotionally and going the distance for yourself is a POWERFUL and important thing. 

It is different than being an emotional island.

I'll probably start dating right away. But it's not because of rebounding. It's because I know I can take care of myself. It only took me a week after deciding to leave to establish plan A and plan B and even plan C. I'm able to communicate my current situation to others without getting angsty or panicky, and to clearly state what works best for me. It's good practice for a relationship. Your friends and acquaintances and your relationship with them is a wonderful place to put into practice how you would like your marriage to be.

I would never subject anyone I cared about to unnecessary pressure to provide for me what I should really be doing for myself. In fact, I would go to great lengths to prevent that from happening. My apartment is very small and has a one-year lease. No room for any guy in there  If he's serious he can move and rent nearby or establish a roommate situation nearby. I don't want to be 'taken care of' I want to be kept company while I am taking care of myself and my children. If I need help, there are other sources to get it from that are more appropriate than a new relationship. Like friends or support groups or organizations that have the stability to toe the line and encourage me in my independence. 

Great. I sound like a feminist. But one that can LIKE a man, and enjoy his company. Because it is natural, not because it is a way to get a need met.

It is sooooooo difficult. So I'm glad you posted your concern. I made myself dependent on my H in order to ease his 'insecurities' of me not 'needing' him or loving him. Now he'll probably accuse me of using him. Oh, whatever!!!!! I did talk very seriously with my therapist/case manager before stopping work to deal with this trainwreck he created. Phhhhht. You know what, with a man who doesn't really love himself or me, it's more work holding up the bad relationship that can never meet your real needs, than it is to just take care of your needs yourself. At least you can trust yourself to not cheat on yourself. And get some value for your effort. And when you are feeling 'real' and nearly complete, you can give off that gift to other people and inspire their confidence in themselves, too.

It's all a process. Nobody is completely self-reliant. But interdependence is complicated. First you have to trust yourself.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

homemaker: I agree with all you have written. I have been working since I was 17 and so it was never a financial dependence. What it was was that I needed to be needed. So I chose men that leaned on my strength. And then after, complained about "vampires".

You are right: it is about self worth and self love. That I am, myself, worth my own love. That I need me, and I need to bolster me, and that I will never choose the right person if I am not right within myself.

And so I have taken steps to face these issues and walk through the fear, which takes courage, and move on toward emotional health. 

Yes, I gave a lot to my stbxh because I did love him but there was so much baggage with his prior marriage, huge alimony and child support for kids, there were a lot of burdens (I didn't view them as such at that time and my x kept reminding me he was a ball and chain.) That my small salary had to pay the bills. So when the dust settled after the separation (loss of my job because they closed office) I realized I had no money and really had given my all.

There is a reason why this happened and it belongs to X. This is his third marriage and after around 10 years he runs away. His sister informed me that that is what he does and his history proves such. Why does he run away? I know, he doesn't, he cannot handle life on life's terms and he has stated often enough he is perfectly happy with who he is. 

Talk about no growth, there. Well, if you continue to grow and your partner chooses not to (because of fear) there is very little choice. So I started the divorce proceedings because I just was part of his runaway pattern.

Do I love myself? Yes, enough to accept the pain and try to put my life back in some kind of order. I am unwilling to stay with a person that makes those kind of choices. If he cannot deal with his issues emotionally, how the hell would he ever be there for me?

Funny enough, I was there for him through his money draining situation and his job losses (every year) but when he had an erectile dysfunction episode....I was to blame and he ran. 

So there you are. No real choice in the matter because deep discussion was not really tolerated and avoided by stbxh. He wanted a lustful fantasy world where everyone is happy and leave your troubles at the door in this house (he said this often enough), which was a red flag. Yet I tried to do that and finally rebelled.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I just want someone to sit on the backporch with and have coffee, on a saturday morning, and not feel an urgent obligation to "do" stuff for the pure sake of making her happy, or better, prevent disdain for me. this was a bar that was always raising higher and higher, yet no such bar existed for her. 

Sparkles can come move down here next to me and we'll be neighbors.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Your STBXH sounds like he has some kind of warped idea about how 'easy' it is to be a woman and to get someone to take care of HIM, and he wants to be one...the mythical woman that is. The one who is taken care of. Then you provide that and he blames you for emasculating him. Think of it this way, you are putting him in a position where he is going to have to stand on his own two feet. It will be good for him, maybe, or he will be resilient and find some other woman. I have NO DOUBT that my H will find another woman to feel sorry for him and to take care of him emotionally. He has a whole posse of them waiting, literally, ones I had to ask him to send no contact letters to because over the years he turned to them every time he got dumped from a relationship or was having a difficult time in a relationship, for emotional support (and probably sexual gratification either for real or imagined or virtual). 

I could easily earn more than my H. In fact, I used to. I think when he saw my Social Security Statement he was intimidated. The low earning years are clearly the ones where I took time off to have children. If you look at it by the hour, my standard rate is 2x-3x his. I have health care free or very low cost. So I can afford to work to meet my budget and then have valuable time and flexibility for my children or myself, or to do things or to have a lifestyle that negates the need for all that income.

I do need to start up savings again. I asked my kids' bio dad for advice about cars and might ask him to cosign a loan so I can get a lower interest rate, as part of voluntary child support that he gives me. We also started sharing kids' clothing and sports equipment. That's money we don't have to earn twice, jointly. (This is my kids' dad not my H.) I'm still in the process of firming up my job options, should I double my research work (it's double or nothing) or look to fill it with my current volunteer job or a job in copy-editing or library? Or just something easy like waitressing? I'm lucky because I'm mature and fit and love food, and talking about food, and making sure people enjoy their food. I'm not ashamed of any job, but I don't want to spend my time working for lower than I deserve when I could be doing something else. It's not my style to take a job and make a commitment and then quit it for a few more dollars. We live in a small place and behavior like that is not economically advantageous in the long run anyway.

I left my jobs before due to health issues and to take care of this trainwreck marriage. Everyone understands that. But it's different than taking a job and showing up for 3 months getting trained and acclimated doing all the paperwork and then bailing.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I have pretty much been in a relationship since I was a teenager, too. I am so used to it that I'm a little lost over here. I can't put my finger on it. I have tons of friends and family, I make ok money-it's just a habit I guess.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> I just want someone to sit on the backporch with and have coffee, on a saturday morning, and not feel an urgent obligation to "do" stuff


hmm :/ I want this too. How do you know when you're ready? 
I've always been in a relationship too. I hate being alone.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I think I will be ready once I feel like I have regained control of my own life MY way, where the "obligation" that I have felt in marriage, is now only to myself and my own needs.
I do want to get settled in my own place and get my own routine established. But this time, consisting solely of my own purposes and goals. 
I know lots of people (some who regularly hit on my stbxw) that are tired of the single life, but as soon as they start seeing someone they crawfish backwards. 
I want to spend some time making my own decisions for my own sake, and no one else's, everything from what I want to do that day that I sit out on the backporch with my morning coffee, and decide for myself. "What do I feel like doing today?". 
I would thoroughly enjoy new friendships, people to pop by and have that morning coffee with. Friends to grill some ribs on the barbeque on weekends. 
It all seems so alien to me right now though. Having spend so long intimidated by and driven by the selfish agenda of a careless woman. 
I dont know if there is an answer really, in terms of knowing when you are ready to get back into a relationship. I think I may enjoy a term of freedom from the obligation to her for quite a while, and getting reacquainted with myself.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Yeah, I need to get "reacquainted" with myself as well. I have no idea or identity of who I am without stbx. It's weird. 
I don't even know what "hobbies" I could come up with, or of anything I like to do alone! 

It seems like I am totally clueless to who I am right now. 

I would definitely need to find out all of this stuff before getting in a relationship.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

caughtdreaming said:


> hmm :/ I want this too. How do you know when you're ready?
> I've always been in a relationship too. I hate being alone.


For me, I have been alone in my relationship all along. More literally this past year. Except for the April visit and that went badly (unwanted sexual contact x2 plus other stuff uggggggh). 

So a relationship would be a change of the past 5 years, plus the years before that I had no relationship...since 2004. I was had, oh well. Moving on.


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

Sparkles, I have not been on my own either. My parents were married for 60 years & I thought that if you worked hard, you could keep a marriage together. What a nightmare it has been. I was also the 3d wife. I do not prefer to be alone but I keep telling myself to keep moving. Some days I feel very alone and sad and I'm not sure where I'll end up but I have a sign on my mirror that says "Keep Moving!". 

Shoo, I hear you on the coffee and light relationships. I'm still looking for new friends. Sometimes it's a flop & I have to admit, I can feel like a loser. But that's not a good result from all of this so I try to pick myself up quickly....at least fake it!

It doesn't seem fair that we have to work so hard emotionally to recover from what happened but we all need to hang in there so that we can write to each other how it turned out for the better!


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