# oh look im moving back to rejectionville



## Drewgar (Jan 11, 2012)

sup guys and gals

So me and my wife had problems recently we talked about why thinsg were not like they used to be and it came out i was neglecting her emotional needs and such hense no intamacy.

So i chaged my ays things got much better intamacy was back on the menu 6 days on the trot now its been once in twelve days and im getting rejected sexually again while keeping up with her needs.

Sure is gonna be a happy marriage im gonna be celibate by the time im 30, gonna be lots of fun


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Drew,
Welcome to my club! How long have you been married? any kids? How old are you and your wife? Is she on birth control?


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## Drewgar (Jan 11, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Drew,
> Welcome to my club! How long have you been married? any kids? How old are you and your wife? Is she on birth control?


we been married 3 years together 5, no kids im 28 and she is 27 and no birth conrol cause we not sure we can even have children was told by fertilaty clinic she didnt ovulate, they told her basically to go away and lose weight or sucks to be you cause u will never know.

I try to help her lose weight i cut the meal size try to get her to excerise i even join in but nothing happens. I love my wife very much and i can see she loves me i just hate feeling jection and would love to know why.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Drew,
Keep working with her and on her to get to the bottom of this regarding your sex life because as you age, it will only get worse. Kids will compound the problem even further if you have any. (trust me on this. I've been married for 26 years and have 3 kids)

Your wife should get some individual counceling (IC) and you both should get some marriage counseling (MC) to try and help you get to the bottom of this issue.

Luckily for you, this problem has raised it's head early in your marriage giving you time to deal with it now or decide if you want to spend the rest of your life this way


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

First, you have to make sure that you actually are "meeting her needs". Has she described those needs and how they can be met?

Second, have you described YOUR needs? If your needs include sex, say so.

Third, the discussion you need to have with your wife is that if her needs are to continue to be met, so do yours. It's a two-way street, a partnership. You promised monogamy but not celibacy.


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## Drewgar (Jan 11, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> First, you have to make sure that you actually are "meeting her needs". Has she described those needs and how they can be met?
> 
> Second, have you described YOUR needs? If your needs include sex, say so.
> 
> Third, the discussion you need to have with your wife is that if her needs are to continue to be met, so do yours. It's a two-way street, a partnership. You promised monogamy but not celibacy.


she told me she needed emotional support and communication which i have asked her a few times am im doing enough and she says yes i am.

Ive told her before about my intamacy needs and the reply was that she could live without the sex, which very much annoyed and upset me she was alot wilder before we met and i now feel like im fighting for scraps like a animal come sunday meal leftovers. Ive tried more than one time to discuss things more in detail and we always end up argueing and her claiming im trying to make her feel guilty and crap like that. 

Im not asking for everyday 3 times a day like we had 2-3 times a week would be fine but i just cant get her to understand my intamacy needs and the physical contact i crave i always get the usual reason of im tired from a stressful day at work and that never affected her before we was together she worked as much and was out every night of the week getting wasted doing drugs and other things.


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

There are probably other things behind the lack of sex. She may or many not tell you what those are. She may not know and not want to deal with it. My advice to you is not to focus on her or what you see as the problem (lack of sex). It is a problem, but the solution isn't necessarily as obvious as a few hugs/kisses, etc. 

The only person you can control is yourself. In a LTR, your weaknesses, bad habits and baggage from the day you were born are all along for the ride. It's going to change things eventually once the dating mode turns off and the relationship naturally transitions from the sprint to the altar to a marathon. The best thing you can do is to eliminate the things that you bring to the relationship that add to the negative dynamic as much as possible. There are a lot of good resources out there to help you be a better man. The Married Man Sex Life Primer is worth picking up and reading. It's very entertaining and spot on. Don't accept a sexless marriage, change it. The worst that happens if you clean up your trash is that you're a better man and in a much better position to have the kind of relationship you want if the current one doesn't work out. On the plus side, if she comes with you, the relationship can be what you both need it to be to make it to the finish line. Good luck to you!


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

Just a shot in the dark but, has she always been overweight? I know after I has my first daughter it took quite a while to get back to pre baby weight, I was so disgusted with my body that any touch from my husband was a reminder to me of how gross and disgusting I was. Once I could look in the mirror again without bawling I gained much more interest in being intimate.


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## Drewgar (Jan 11, 2012)

MrsOldNews said:


> Just a shot in the dark but, has she always been overweight? I know after I has my first daughter it took quite a while to get back to pre baby weight, I was so disgusted with my body that any touch from my husband was a reminder to me of how gross and disgusting I was. Once I could look in the mirror again without bawling I gained much more interest in being intimate.


she aint overweight in your typical sense she weights 14 stones cause we managed to get a stone or so off through excesise and she has been alot bigger before we was together, ive never had any problem with her size i love her no matter what and constantly have to remind her when i say she looks beautiful and such that it annoys me when she says she is overweight.

She has a very sexy body no excess fat anywere i can see she clims her bum but i love her bum very much im just at a end to what i can do or i have done to cause us to go from were we was and to how we are now.

P.s i dont know if this important but she is the alpha in the marriage i dont mind this im quite a quiet placid person and let her take charge, i know her previous boyfriends and things were more domminant and i though the reason she feel in love with me was cause i treated her good but now im wondering if she wants me to take charge when she says she dont. :scratchhead:


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

There's nothing keeping you from "being alpha" and more dominant AND treating her nice. I'm very much the sexually dominant one in my relationship, but I think my GF would agree that I treat her very nicely.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

I just posted the thing about weight because you said the fertility clinic said she should loose some which would point to her being overweight. I have no idea what 14 stones means as I'm from the USA lol. But I am 5'6 and weight 150lbs I consider myself to be overweight but am working on it. Also if it is self esteem issues on her part all the nice things you say probably just roll off her. Again just a guess.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Chris Taylor,

While I am stealing this quote from another member, I thinks it's appropriate for this discussion:

"Why when a woman comes on here and says she isn't getting enough everyone says "oh go get him checked".

When a man says it, the question/answer is virtually always "what need of hers aren't you meeting" or "Man Up"???"


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

If she's not ovulating she might have hormonal imbalances. Are you in the UK? I have a friend in Canada who has similar issues with weight and ovulation. She went through years of fertility treatments and finally went to a naturopath who gave her all kinds of help and information. If you have anything like that there you should try it. 
Not being able to have a baby is kind of like a man not being able to get it up. She might feel like the more sex you have the more she's going to get her hopes up. Or it's going to make her think about pregnancy and fertility and she's trying to block it out. 
I hope you can find a solution. Infertility is one of the most stressful things that can happen in a marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

Drewgar said:


> P.s i dont know if this important but she is the alpha in the marriage i dont mind this im quite a quiet placid person and let her take charge, i know her previous boyfriends and things were more domminant and i though the reason she feel in love with me was cause i treated her good but now im wondering if she wants me to take charge when she says she dont. :scratchhead:


That's very important! Time to get No More Mr. Nice Guy and the MMSLP immediately. Most women including the ones that don't mind or say they don't want you to be in charge, want you to be. That's different than being domineering, controlling or sexist. For them to be leading the relationship can certainly cause unconscious resentment. It certainly can create a lack of respect in her mind for you. Both lack of respect and resentment are big sex killers in a relationship. 


Its good to be a "nice guy" BUT, nice guys also have a tendency of overdoing it to the point that it does cause issues in the relationship. This is my main issue. As I've said in other places, my wife was attracted to my nice guy qualities AND that I wasn't afraid to handle her or other business assertively. Women need us to be both. I put my balls in a glass case next to the other wedding memorabilia and I'm dusting them off. 

Doing so will be a big confidence booster for you and will balance the relationship. Hopefully the sex life will come along for the ride and be much more to your liking. Don't expect things to go perfectly or for her to just accept the change. She's not likely to relinquish her current status until she knows that you mean business and that you're not going to go flacid on her. That's where I am. Gotta keep improving, showing that I mean business and that she can count on me. Talking, blaming her, weight, job, whatever else that we nice guys typically do is not going to solve the problem when that is the cause. Taking action solves problems. :smthumbup:


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Her not ovulating could be a problem. When a woman ovulates, a surge of testosterone (the lust hormone) is released in to her body - making her more receptive to sex in the hopes of getting pregnant.

That's one of the reasons why a lot of women lose desire while they are on BC pills - they don't ovulate, so they have very paltry amounts of testosterone in their bodies (only the amount that their adrenals would make and if they are under constant stress their adrenals could be fatigued and pumping out even smaller amounts).

I think you should do a couple of things. The first is to go get her checked out by a doc and specifically note the decline in her libido and her apparent lack of ovulation. She may have severe hormonal imbalance .. and people in that state can sometimes have one heckuva time trying to get going.

The next would be to concentrate on you - and I don't mean that you should be selfish and a jerk to your wife. But, I do mean to try and keep things in balance in your life - having things that you find fulfilling in your life outside of just what your wife is doing or not, being physically active, eating healthy, managing your stress - all are really important for a person's emotional and physical well-being, especially in a stressful situation like this.

Best wishes.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

I never pass a chance of not looking something up. 

A stone is 14 lbs. No idea why people would use such measurements; the world is going metric...

Anyways, that puts the OP's wife @ 196 lbs. Unless she is more than 6 feet tall, most likely overweight. 

Don't mean anything negative. But women are very sensitive about their weights. I definitely don't feel sexy after gaining a few pounds.


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## Drewgar (Jan 11, 2012)

Update time.

Well last night we had a major arguement cause i had a drink and she knows i only drink now when i have issuse, (3 pints i had) so she put her back up as did i.

Anyway we talked and she explained why things were like they are and its both of our faults, she still has some resentment from when i was putting other things before her and rejecting her on a daily basis and she has issuse wth her past. I have problems with her past also but my problem was i fealt i never had the full 100% transparency i need to not be insecure about certain issuses. 

Well i told her its either u give me 100% off the information i need or it wont work neither of us wanted this so we sat down and was 1000% truefull on questions we had for each other, some things i didnt like being told but atleast i knew the full truth instead of only knowing 70% and mind making the other 30% up and like wise for her, I feel now i have closeur on that aspect of my life and its all lock away behind a massive door guarded by all the incarnations of Dr Who (cheezy i know but if it works) and im now looking forward. 

We both understand we still have problems we need to resolve as a couple and it will take time i think i just though things had changed cause like i said in my first post of the topic intamacy was back on the menu, i now understand why things aint happening in that department and that she has issuses she needs to sort out herself and because of our i was in the past she fealt she could not talk to me about this, we love each other very much and plan to make everything better and will just have to take it a day at a time. Remember Rome was not built in a day.

Alot of what you guys and gals said was helpful and some of it was true to a extstent she wants me to be more alpha sometimes, the fertility is a issuse and she hates her self and her body, and al i can do is support her when and if she wants my help.

Today is a new start for me im not gonna dwell on issuse we decided if we had problems we would communicate straight away instead of letting it build up and causeing issuse.

Thank you all for the advice and hears to a new start. :smthumbup:


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Drewgar,

You have positioned your wife in the dominant role and she's responding by not being as sexual as you'd like. When you ask for sex or you behave as if you are obviously upset over not getting sex you empower her, further reenforcing her as the dominant partner. This makes you look weak and she apparently responds to a more dominant guy. How about appearing happy, content, confident, and loving but completely uninterested in sex for a little while. The pressure on her would be gone. You would immediately become more powerful in her eyes. This would give you time to figure out what she means by "emotional needs" and to do your best to meet them. No woman wants to feel guilty or inadequate and I expect it's hard to get turned on to someone who makes you feel that way. Think of yourself as a victim and you'll be soon acting and speaking like a downtrodden victim. That's not going to get anyone laid. Act like you're the luckiest guy on earth and like she's the best wife and before long you will start thinking that way. We are all only slightly evolved cave dwellers. No cave woman would dare hook up with a weak, pitiful guy because her survival depended on his strength. If you're a guy but letting a woman drive you to mope around in despair you are looking weak and the only sex you'll get is pity or guilt sex. Also, if either of you imagine that your relationship is supposed to feel exactly the same throughout eternity, you're both going to be disappointed. We need different things through different periods of our life and your relationship is going to change. The relationship I had with my kids when they were infants wasn't the same as our relationship when they were toddlers, teens, or as adults. Same thing with my wife. When my wife was dating, she wanted fun. When she was early in her career, she needed emotional and financial support. Now, she mostly values my tenderness and steadfastness. Later, we both will need other things from each other. It's all good. Whether a slump in her libido is a huge problem for you or a great opportunity for you both to prove your commitment to each other is entirely your choice. Nobody's winning any extra credit for getting the most sex. I moped around for 8 years about my wife's lack of sexual interest. I just decided to quit acting and thinking like a victim. Even though I'm no longer bugging her about it or fixating over it, I'm getting more and better sex now. More importantly, she feels much better about herself and our relationship. She's tripping over herself to do nice things for me, now. Not only has the sex got better, but she's not playing the roll of boss or nag anymore. The seat of power is where you are supposed to be sitting because you are the man. Lots of feminists will give me grief, but I stand on thousands of years of civilized history. Women genetically need to feel secure and a weak guy doesn't offer security. James Bond doesn't brood cause a woman doesn't feel like sex tonight.


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> Drewgar,
> 
> You have positioned your wife in the dominant role and she's responding by not being as sexual as you'd like. When you ask for sex or you behave as if you are obviously upset over not getting sex you empower her, further reenforcing her as the dominant partner. This makes you look weak and she apparently responds to a more dominant guy. How about appearing happy, content, confident, and loving but completely uninterested in sex for a little while. The pressure on her would be gone. You would immediately become more powerful in her eyes. This would give you time to figure out what she means by "emotional needs" and to do your best to meet them. No woman wants to feel guilty or inadequate and I expect it's hard to get turned on to someone who makes you feel that way. Think of yourself as a victim and you'll be soon acting and speaking like a downtrodden victim. That's not going to get anyone laid. Act like you're the luckiest guy on earth and like she's the best wife and before long you will start thinking that way. We are all only slightly evolved cave dwellers. No cave woman would dare hook up with a weak, pitiful guy because her survival depended on his strength. If you're a guy but letting a woman drive you to mope around in despair you are looking weak and the only sex you'll get is pity or guilt sex. Also, if either of you imagine that your relationship is supposed to feel exactly the same throughout eternity, you're both going to be disappointed. We need different things through different periods of our life and your relationship is going to change. The relationship I had with my kids when they were infants wasn't the same as our relationship when they were toddlers, teens, or as adults. Same thing with my wife. When my wife was dating, she wanted fun. When she was early in her career, she needed emotional and financial support. Now, she mostly values my tenderness and steadfastness. Later, we both will need other things from each other. It's all good. Whether a slump in her libido is a huge problem for you or a great opportunity for you both to prove your commitment to each other is entirely your choice. Nobody's winning any extra credit for getting the most sex. I moped around for 8 years about my wife's lack of sexual interest. I just decided to quit acting and thinking like a victim. Even though I'm no longer bugging her about it or fixating over it, I'm getting more and better sex now. More importantly, she feels much better about herself and our relationship. She's tripping over herself to do nice things for me, now. Not only has the sex got better, but she's not playing the roll of boss or nag anymore. The seat of power is where you are supposed to be sitting because you are the man. Lots of feminists will give me grief, but I stand on thousands of years of civilized history. Women genetically need to feel secure and a weak guy doesn't offer security. James Bond doesn't brood cause a woman doesn't feel like sex tonight.


 What you say makes a LOT of sense. I don't disagree with you at all. However, I have tried to employ what you are suggesting and I have found this:

It is very hard to stay the course in this regard over the long haul because after a series of disapointments, or let downs - you eventually DO feel shortchanged, taken advantage of, deprioritized, rejected. And you can't hide those feelings forever. Intellectially I know your right, but after a few weeks of putting on a brave face and providing all your wifes needs...... and still not having your met.... how does one NOT eventually get upset and show it?


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## Drewgar (Jan 11, 2012)

eagleclaw said:


> What you say makes a LOT of sense. I don't disagree with you at all. However, I have tried to employ what you are suggesting and I have found this:
> 
> It is very hard to stay the course in this regard over the long haul because after a series of disapointments, or let downs - you eventually DO feel shortchanged, taken advantage of, deprioritized, rejected. And you can't hide those feelings forever. Intellectially I know your right, but after a few weeks of putting on a brave face and providing all your wifes needs...... and still not having your met.... how does one NOT eventually get upset and show it?


Communication is the key i now believe, after our chat/arguement last week we have been more vocal with each other and things are going much better, things cant be fixed with a wave of the wand although many of us wish they could.

Time and communication are your main tools dont think negative and if you do end up argueing dont cause more problems i learned that the hard way, just have patience and take it one day at a time if it is meant to work it will if not you will know eventually just dont expect everything to be dealt with in a few days. Remember Rome was not built in a day and marriages are like the same they take time to build.


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## need2ventnow (Mar 24, 2012)

Hello, Sorry to hear your having troubles- Aren't we all lol. But I agree with enchantment on the ovulation issue- When a woman ovulates she instinctively becomes interested in sex. This has evolved from evolution...Studies have proven that women are more attractive during ovulation, their voice and skin changes, and men find their scent much more alluring and irresistible. This all because this is our most fertile time, and we are meant to procreate (speaking from a scientific perspective). Ovulation always increase my sex drive and my husband and I will make up for the month during that week...so that is something you should consider and perhaps see what you can do to help...

Also yes, womens hormones are brutal and hers must be out of wack w.o ovulation...I suffer with some bad horomones and when i'm ovulating- my husband and i notice that im happy, and sexually interested, other times im jus blah or anxious and depressed...But I also have PMDD. 

Is your wife on any antidepressants cuz they kill your sex drive as well?

Then lastly, I agree that being dominant can be a turn-on-im the alpha in my marriage on many things-but when my husband gets all pissy and dominant I fight with him-which in turn leads to amazing make-up sex...theres something about being close to loosing eachother, the built up frustration, and the arguing that causes that passion to come bak-like when u were dating-its frikkin weird-but normal...So try to be more dominant see how she responds, but then again I don't wanna give u bad advice...this is just coming from my experiences...

The ovulation tho...could be a major factor...


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