# Confused and getting more confused...



## v149654k (Feb 3, 2011)

Like the other stories I have read, I need an outlet and if possible, advice.

I am 28 yrs old, married to a wonderful man for 8 years and we have a beautiful 5 month old son. 

That's the basics. I have royally screwed things up in every way possible. The problem is that I don't know what path to choose.

About 5 years ago my husband had an emotional online affair. When I found out, I was devastated and I never really trusted him after that. My feelings started to slowly change, but I swept it under the rug and moved on with him. For the past 2 years or so I have been considering leaving him. To be honest, I don't want to kiss him or touch him and I definitely don't like having sex with him. But, I do so that he doesn't know anything is wrong. But I hate it the whole time and often cry later. It's not fair to him. I know that. But I have been afraid to tell him how I feel and leave.

Last year we got pregnant and now we have a 5 month old little boy. The first few months were exciting, new parents and all. But that feeling of unhappiness in my marriage continued to eat at me. Then, something unexpected happened. I went back to work after my son was 2 months old. A new guy started in my department and we quickly became friendly. I have never even really flirted with another guy, but this guy sparked my interest. Before I knew it, we were chatting online at night, stealing moments at work to talk or touch and talking on the phone and emails. About 6 weeks ago we started sleeping together. At first, it was supposed to be just sex. But I have fallen in love with him, and he with me. He is not married or in a relationship. He keeps asking me to leave my husband and try to have a relationship with him. Truth is, I want to. I want to take my son and move out on my own. I've wanted that for so long. Now that I really have strong feelings for someone else, that just adds fuel to the fire for me.

If my son wasn't in the picture, I would have left by now. But I need to do what is best for him. I have considered staying in my marriage, raising my son together with him and having a "content" life. My husband isn't mean to me, as far as I know he hasn't cheated and he is very kind. He is controlling, but I've learned to deal. He doesn't deserve what I am doing and to be honest, I will never tell him the truth about this. It will shatter him and that is unnecessary. I don't love him the way I used to. I want to separate but I don't know if that is what is best for my baby boy. 

On top of that, I tried to talk to him a month ago. I told him that I didn't feel the same as I used to. He flipped out, got depressed and has been smothering me ever since. Everyday he brings roses, poems, etc. The problem is, I am numb to this stuff. Where has it been the past 8 years? I think it's too little too late now. 

I am scared to be on my own raising my son. I can do it, but it's scary to think about separating. 

Any advice would be great. 

Thanks!


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## Vienna11 (Feb 2, 2011)

It sounds like you two have been having troubles for a while. Before you even start bringing the other man into the equation, ask yourself two questions: 1) Why aren't I attracted to my husband anymore? 2) Why did I start thinking of leaving him 2 years ago?

The first thing you have to remember is that you have an obligation to your husband (if not to the man that he is, then to the man that you fell in love with) to fight for your marriage. That, however, does NOT mean that you have to be unhappy for the rest of your life. The truth is, he's probably scared to lose you, and that's why he's going overboard with affection. So he obviously still cares about you. Try talking with him about specific things in your marriage that trouble you, that way he can feel less helpless about the situation and you can give him a chance to win you back.

The hardest part will be talking about infidelity. Remember how bad it hurt when your husband had an emotional affair? Well he is likely to feel even worse, because yours went farther than his and us men tend to be possessive of our ladies. He'll probably say terrible things like "how am i supposed to be sure that i'm our son's father?" Unfortunately, it's not possible to ignore this affair; if you try, it will devour your marriage and your emotional health.

There are three things you need to do: honestly assess the problems in your relationship, start thinking of how to tell your husband about your affair in a way that won't crush him, and most importantly, END THE AFFAIR IMMEDIATELY.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Your marriage will never survive with the 3rd party in place. 

End the affair. 

Reconciliation and those feelings of love will return. 

Get some help professionally with a PRO_MARRIAGE counselor. 

I just read a book by Gary Chapman - The Four Season of Marriage. 

The love will return if you work on it. 

Sometimes men need that wake up call. We're kinda duh-huh sometimes and need a kick in the pants or [email protected]

Looks like your husband had no clue on what he needed to do to meet your emotional needs and how to fill your love tank. 

Affaircare and Marriagebuilders have lots of FREE information on how to recover. Any of Gary Chapman's books like 5 Languages of Love are really good too. 

Take a chance on your husband.


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