# Cheaters and their gullibility



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

This may apply more to women who cheat, although I'm sure some men too.

My stbxww thought she had found her "soul mate", that it was "fate", that "he really made me feel special", that they were "peers". blah blah blah. She said "he made me feel special and I haven't felt that way in a long time".

Of course posom are manipulators and spew that bull**** as panty remover, nothing more.

I don't think men care about that as much - although maybe the ego boost plays a role - but it's more about the conquest, sex. But it's actually rather amusing, and pathetic at the same time, that women fall for this.

I read my stbxw's Facebook convos with some girlfriends, and she wrote "I really thought KH and I were soul mates, that he really loved me. Turns out he was a narcissist and total ******* and I was blind".

I almost have to LOL at this - how can a grown woman be so incredibly stupid and clueless?

So not only are they deceitful, selfish, cruel and lacking any moral fiber, they are also rather half-witted. To think that this "playa", who bangs anything with a pulse, will give all that up to settle down with a married woman with 2 kids. 

It's really quite pathetic.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

My wife was not clueless or gulible. She knew what she was doing and was not decieved, manipulated, nor gulible. She drove her car everytime. She was in control. Picked up the XOM from work or near his house. She drove over an hour. My wife was in the driver's seat.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

i totally agree. while i knew my WW wasn't the smartest person around, her affair echo's what you have said. i now see her as being completely gullible and ultimately dumb.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

Careful now, don't start hating women.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Healer said:


> This may apply more to women who cheat, although I'm sure some men too.
> 
> My stbxww thought she had found her "soul mate", that it was "fate", that "he really made me feel special", that they were "peers". blah blah blah. She said "he made me feel special and I haven't felt that way in a long time".
> 
> ...


I agree. Sounds like a biography of the POSOM my wife thought she was having an "exit" affair with.

It couldn't have been more obvious to me that he was simply a narcissistic degenerate who just wanted sex. He wasn't going to leave his wife, despite his urging her to be patient.

Either my wife was extremely gullible or didn't give a rat's arse.
Probably both.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Healer said:


> This may apply more to women who cheat, although I'm sure some men too.
> 
> My stbxww thought she had found her "soul mate", that it was "fate", that "he really made me feel special", that they were "peers". blah blah blah. She said "he made me feel special and I haven't felt that way in a long time".
> 
> ...


You naturally speak through anger, but the same can be held true for anybody, WW or not. 
Many people get into relationships and believe what they will, even though the signs are glaringly otherwise. 
To a woman who may have taken her husband for granted over time or lacked that respect for him to become this other figure, in love, wanted and vital is alluring. That said the same can be held true of a single man who's hooked up with a hot chick who leads him on before dumping him for the next chump..same can be held true for the single lady, hooked and snared by a married man.

This is life. We seek validation all the time. The affairs of the heart are often not straight forward. Just sucks when you get cheated on.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Daisy10 said:


> Careful now, don't start hating women.


This isn't about women, this is about cheating women.

Thorburn - yes, your wife made the conscious decision. But why? What was her motivation? Just plain horny for new ****? Or did she feel that her AP had "special" feelings for her?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Healer said:


> My stbxww thought she had found her "soul mate", that it was "fate", that "he really made me feel special", that they were "peers". blah blah blah. She said "he made me feel special and I haven't felt that way in a long time".
> 
> I almost have to LOL at this - how can a grown woman be so incredibly stupid and clueless?


It's said that when women have affairs there is a much bigger emotional attachment to to versus a man. You explained it pretty well, actually.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sorry to say this, but if you believe that the AP had to do a ton of sweet talking and seducing to get in bed with your spouse, I think you should look in the mirror to see if there's a big G on your forehead. Unless your spouse was mentally disabled, all the other stuff is just their rationalization hamster spewing out excuses for them doing what they wanted to do. But if it makes you feel better to lay the blame on the evil AP, feel free. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> It's said that when women have affairs there is a much bigger emotional attachment to to versus a man. You explained it pretty well, actually.


Of course there are exceptions, but in general I think this is right. Women and men are simply wired differently.

And yes, it is sad. Keep in mind I'm not saying women who have affairs are any worse than men who do. It just seems to me the motivations are different, and that generally women get duped into thinking they are "special" to the posom - more "special" than they are to their BS.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Daisy10 said:


> Careful now, don't start hating women.


are you talking to me? i specifically said my STBXW i view as dumb, not all women. in fact, i have met a woman who is the polar opposite. so smart that she makes me feel ignorant at times.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Every time my old ladies OM's started getting close she would bail on them. Sure she loved the bull crap they were spewing but in the end it wasn't about having a serious relationship it was about having fun, getting laid, and having a brief moment of relief from a unhealthy marriage.

Some OM knew the rules of her game and some OM wanted more, but in the end it had nothing to do with her being guillable, if anything it was the gulliblity of some OM that a serious relationship could grow out of my old ladies (self admitted) fantasy/bandaid.

One thing I have learned after being here so long is you can't generalize infidelity.

I think there a sub groups were the cases are the same...just like me a thorburn's old ladies were always in the driver seat. There is also a sub group were the wayward has found their soul mate with a POS only to regret it.

After all there is one thing that is typical and that waywards have their own unhealthy issues.


Let me gues OP...you got the 'ol "I didn't mean it to happen" line?


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

I believe that one of the reasons why affairs are so painful and ever-confusing is because blame goes in ALL directions and usually all parties get hurt too, where as people naturally want to shoot too much blame in one direction just to have closure. It's just not that easy. Affairs leave a big mess, like an oil spill. These are just my observations.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

PBear said:


> Sorry to say this, but if you believe that the AP had to do a ton of sweet talking and seducing to get in bed with your spouse, I think you should look in the mirror to see if there's a big G on your forehead. Unless your spouse was mentally disabled, all the other stuff is just their rationalization hamster spewing out excuses for them doing what they wanted to do. But if it makes you feel better to lay the blame on the evil AP, feel free.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What post are you replying to?? While indeed the posom is a pos and an imbecile, where did "lay blame on the evil AP"? POSOM are bottom feeding degenerates, but I place the blame squarely on the WS.

And no "G" on this cowboy. I read the exchanges. He indeed did sweet talk and bull**** her - that's their MO. Her MO was to eat it up.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

x598 said:


> are you talking to me?


No


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

My AP made me feel like "The man I wanted to be"

What horsesh!t

I was a God Damned Fool

Happens to men as well Stupid sh!t


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

the guy said:


> Every time my old ladies OM's started getting close she would bail on them. Sure she loved the bull crap they were spewing but in the end it wasn't about having a serious relationship it was about having fun, getting laid, and having a brief moment of relief from a unhealthy marriage.
> 
> Some OM knew the rules of her game and some OM wanted more, but in the end it had nothing to do with her being guillable, if anything it was the gulliblity of some OM that a serious relationship could grow out of my old ladies (self admitted) fantasy/bandaid.
> 
> ...


Your WW sounds more like a man than a woman. Like I said, of course there are exceptions.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I most have missed the "exception" part.

My thinking is after all the abuse Mrs. the guy recieved from me it was time to get hers. I pretty sure after years of being used by me she went out and started using others. I'm betting after the crap I did to her she was emotionally drained.

So like *some* cheating females the emotional attachment needed wasn't there...so ya I think she had the capacity to act more like *some* cheating males.

Those days are long gone and have been for 4 almost years. We are both in a better place as individuels which makes it work as a couple.

Plus if we go back to our old ways it won't end good for both of us.

Now that we both have the tool to prevent this crap from happening again it seems to be working for us.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Healer said:


> This may apply more to women who cheat, although I'm sure some men too.
> 
> *My stbxww thought she had found her "soul mate", that it was "fate", that "he really made me feel special", that they were "peers". blah blah blah. She said "he made me feel special and I haven't felt that way in a long time".*
> 
> ...



I suppose you were once her "soul-mate"? 

I wonder how many "soul-mate" does a person need?


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

aug said:


> I suppose you were once her "soul-mate"?
> 
> I wonder how many "soul-mate" does a person need?


Well, I thought so. It's simple - she was bored with family life, being a mom and the routine of marriage. ********* thug biker guy comes along, he's exciting and dangerous, throws a few stock "you deserve to be treated like a princess" lines at her, and now he's "the one" and it's "fate". 

Extremely low self esteem combined with a sense of entitlement (read: "I deserve to be happy" - how many times have we BS heard THAT before?) are a deadly combo.

I don't think I believe in "soul mates". Relationships are hard work, and to remain faithful requires integrity, morals, values and boundaries. Cheaters are lacking all of the above, and also common sense. "This guy REALLY loves me!". No, he just knows you're easy - easily manipulated, easily fooled, and just....easy.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Yep, mine was an idiot. With some google on his online handle, I ran across his postings on a PUA site talking about how easy she was. Hell, he even conned her out of some money... I shared all this lovely information with her. She hasn't really been able to trust herself since. They were in love, soulmates, blah....

I pointed to the obvious booty calls, how ever meet went sexual quick, etc. This is a friend? Not much conversation or 'bonding' intellectually. I ripped through my WW's self-esteem hauling up every single insecurity and how she, willingly, allowed herself to be not only stupid, but used like a cheap tramp for sex alone. So much for her own self-image of smart, funny, attractive, and 'not a bar fly'...

Also funny watching her reaction reading his PUA post about the other women he was also pursuing and how things started clicking into place for her just like a BS; That's why he wouldn't call that night... That trip wasn't business... That wasn't his 'investment property' (a friend's rental house)... and so forth. So fake with just some simple internet searches. 

And her world unraveled before her like a BS on DD recognizing what they thought and had accepted as real wasn't at all the reality..... lies.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Racer said:


> Yep, mine was an idiot. With some google on his online handle, I ran across his postings on a PUA site talking about how easy she was. Hell, he even conned her out of some money... I shared all this lovely information with her. She hasn't really been able to trust herself since. They were in love, soulmates, blah....
> 
> I pointed to the obvious booty calls, how ever meet went sexual quick, etc. This is a friend? Not much conversation or 'bonding' intellectually. I ripped through my WW's self-esteem hauling up every single insecurity and how she, willingly, allowed herself to be not only stupid, but used like a cheap tramp for sex alone. So much for her own self-image of smart, funny, attractive, and 'not a bar fly'...
> 
> ...


it took a shrink to convince my wife her A wasnt reality. and even then, she blameshifted and told me it was my fault.:rofl:
sadly i bought into it at first...........


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Racer said:


> Yep, mine was an idiot. With some google on his online handle, I ran across his postings on a PUA site talking about how easy she was. Hell, he even conned her out of some money... I shared all this lovely information with her. She hasn't really been able to trust herself since. They were in love, soulmates, blah....
> 
> I pointed to the obvious booty calls, how ever meet went sexual quick, etc. This is a friend? Not much conversation or 'bonding' intellectually. I ripped through my WW's self-esteem hauling up every single insecurity and how she, willingly, allowed herself to be not only stupid, but used like a cheap tramp for sex alone. So much for her own self-image of smart, funny, attractive, and 'not a bar fly'...
> 
> ...


Damn son, did we marry the same woman?

At least after her A ended she realized she was an idiot that was suckered. However, she is still an idiot and never ceases to amaze me with the terrible choices she continues to make.

"I only surround myself with really good people now". I told her "we have very different definitions of what "good people" are. Slugs who sit around all day and night drinking their faces off every night and passing out in the bar she works - yeah, salt of the earth folks.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Healer said:


> Damn son, did we marry the same woman?.


A lot of 'entitled' wayward wives act this way. My WW did turn it around though. Like a BS thrust into a world of chaos and reflecting how they hell they ended up here.... She wanted to change herself. 

Don't get me wrong; At first she wanted me to change. When she discovered I no longer gave her that kind of control or respect, all she *could* control was herself. I just didn't give her any other option since I was no longer going to accept one shred of blame for her actions, choices, or emotions. Her f'n bed she gets to sleep in. Her hole she dug for herself. What I did was make her look in a mirror because that's all I left for her. And being the hurt damaged creature that I was, I kindly polished it for her so that reflection was as clear as possible. Just the facts without the funnyhouse mirrors of fantasy.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Racer said:


> A lot of 'entitled' wayward wives act this way. My WW did turn it around though. Like a BS thrust into a world of chaos and reflecting how they hell they ended up here.... She wanted to change herself.
> 
> Don't get me wrong; At first she wanted me to change. When she discovered I no longer gave her that kind of control or respect, all she *could* control was herself. I just didn't give her any other option since I was no longer going to accept one shred of blame for her actions, choices, or emotions. Her f'n bed she gets to sleep in. Her hole she dug for herself. What I did was make her look in a mirror because that's all I left for her. And being the hurt damaged creature that I was, I kindly polished it for her so that reflection was as clear as possible. Just the facts without the funnyhouse mirrors of fantasy.


****en poetry, man.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Sometimes in life - things happen to clarify people. I thought I was married to this loyal caring woman who would go to the wall for me. But that was how I felt on the inside - funny I just heard a song on the radio "Knew you were waiting for me." by Aretha Franklin and George Michael and I used to say that is what I understood her to be to me....but looking back - it was how I felt about her and it was not reciprocated. It was only in my head....
When I was out waiting for her in the car and she was dancing inside with another dude.
When I went to drive her overly-drunk friend home and she was dancing with some other dude when I came back.
When she left chocolates on the pillow of my single friend when he slept over.
When she went away on business trips with male colleagues and not call......
I could go on and on....
These actions were NOT the actions of some loyal spouse waiting for me. No these were the actions of someone who when their spouse is out of sight - he is out of mind. My perception of her was off....
It is like I needed prescriptive lenses to finally see her - not as I wanted - but as she was.

THIS is why I am grateful - yes - grateful for the affair...it smacked me in the face about who she REALLY was.....it was like the universe said to me "WAKE UP MAN!"


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

bigtone128 said:


> Sometimes in life - things happen to clarify people. I thought I was married to this loyal caring woman who would go to the wall for me. But that was how I felt on the inside - funny I just heard a song on the radio "Knew you were waiting for me." by Aretha Franklin and George Michael and I used to say that is what I understood her to be to me....but looking back - it was how I felt about her and it was not reciprocated. It was only in my head....
> When I was out waiting for her in the car and she was dancing inside with another dude.
> When I went to drive her overly-drunk friend home and she was dancing with some other dude when I came back.
> When she left chocolates on the pillow of my single friend when he slept over.
> ...


Precisely!! And btw, I've always liked that song.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

I blame myself for not seeing it sooner....I mean, cripes....30 years?


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

My wife liked the attention she got from her OM. She knew he was being shallow and would say whatever she wanted to hear to keep the conversation progressing. She enjoyed lapping it up anyway.

She was able to reconcile the dissonance of her actions with her self image by blaming me for being neglectful. I'm guessing if I had been interacting with her more frequently it still would have happened. However instead of blaming me she would have blamed him. I think when someone 'plays the victim' it's their self protection mechanisms trying to reconcile the fact they did something bad with the fact they don't think of themselves as a bad person. 

When being played by the player the played must play the game. They may want to believe it. Maybe even convince themselves they believe it. It helps ease the guilt. 

But I doubt many of our WS are really that naive. We may want to believe that. It helps us reconcile the fact our WS did something bad with our own desire not to see them as bad people. 

Good people sometimes do bad things. We are not perfect. The trick is to figure out if they are going to repeat the pattern or are willing to make changes in their lives.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

I really believe this whole limbic system, dopamine / oxytocin thing talked about in MMSL. I never used to until my wife's EA, but it really does seem like women feed off of emotional stimulation - they almost want to piggy-back from one emotional moment to the next. Then they set about to rationalize what they did on a purely emotional level. But the action very definitely is spurred by the emotion of the moment.

So yes, they can sure "feel" like POSOM is their soul-mate, because he is supplying the emotional "fix".

Just read them here, over and over again - "he made me FEEL X,Y, and Z, and that's why I threw my family away".

PUA's know this stuff like it's divine scripture. The rest of us, the average guy husbands need to learn it, too.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

And irrespective of whether you reconcile or not is it a case of once bitten, twice shy?

Having been exposed to the deceit required to 'turn their heads' are they more aware of it?

(This obviously assumes a truly remorseful adulterer)


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Healer said:


> So not only are they deceitful, selfish, cruel and lacking any moral fiber, they are also rather half-witted. To think that this "playa", who bangs anything with a pulse, will give all that up to settle down with a married woman with 2 kids.
> 
> It's really quite pathetic.



It really is.... My ex was never the sharpest pencil in the pack anyway.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> It really is.... My ex was never the sharpest pencil in the pack anyway.


Nor was mine......but I knew that going in....I just thought at some point she would evolve and smarten up....it is like when you buy a home or car (or any other long term commitment for that matter) - if you go into it thinking this needs to change and hoping it will - you are doing something wrong.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

There's some faulty logic going on here.

If a woman falls for a guy who listens to her (or at least acts like he does) and has a gift for saying the right thing to make her feel wanted, attractive, interesting, etc, why are we saying she's gullible? Even if she feels bad about it later, she got what she wanted/needed at the time. 

Even if she risks her marriage to do all of this, it's because her desire for this was so strong. It doesn't necessarily mean that she intellectually believed he would be with her forever or that she deep down believed all of it.

No different from a guy having sex to get what he strongly desires at a given place and time. 

If it helps to think that she was stupid, gullible, etc in falling for this then maybe there is no harm done but I'm not convinced that this matches reality much of the time (obviously I'm speaking generally rather than trying to address the OP's or any other specific situation).


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"self protection mechanisms trying to reconcile the fact they did something bad with the fact they don't think of themselves as a bad person."

Basic human nature here.

I can honestly say, of the thousands of people I have known in both my personal and professional life (Navy Officer and then a Teacher, so A LOT of people), I can say I have only known a few dozen who truly 'own their s**t' on any of life's varied circumstances.

For most, it has simply been one rationalization after another for why their crappy behavior really had to happen, or wasn't their fault, or...whatever... ad infinitum. 

At this point in my life, I just accept it as unavoidable with most people and don't get offended at it. 

Otherwise, I'd be constantly angry with people in general.

Sometimes its such a struggle to not turn into a misanthrope.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

couple said:


> There's some faulty logic going on here.
> 
> If a woman falls for a guy who listens to her (or at least acts like he does) and has a gift for saying the right thing to make her feel wanted, attractive, interesting, etc, why are we saying she's gullible? Even if she feels bad about it later, she got what she wanted/needed at the time.
> 
> ...


Because women in affairs often profess that the AP is their "soul mate", the "one" and it is "fate". You are assuming that these people are thinking rationally - "oh I know it's not real, I know I'm in the fog, this is just a quick fix - just what I need right now!". Uhhhh, no. What I've witnessed first hand, with my own WW and with many on this forum and in real life, is all the soul mate bunk. 

Hence their gullibility. You give cheaters far too much credit for being logical and rational, when in fact, for the most part, they are not.

*******s who **** married women are players - and the women who **** them get played...and to be played, you have to be naive, gullible, whatever term you like.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

aug said:


> I suppose you were once her "soul-mate"?
> 
> I wonder how many "soul-mate" does a person need?



Well if you have a black soul, you need an appropriate "soulmate". 

It's just BS rationalizing to make the offending wayward feel as if they were destined to meet and break vows and families apart. It's spreading the blame to the "universe". 

If you stay the blame is on you. I don't care what the excuse is. There is no excuse for lying, deceiving, gas lighting... Male or female if you are old enough to be married respect your partner or catch fire.

I'd have to smack someone silly if they fed me the "soulmate" crap while married. Unless your soul is in your genitals.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

To explain my earlier comment... I would feel sympathy for someone who is gullible and gets caught by someone deliberately deceiving them. And yes, I suspect that there's a small percentage of cheaters who fall into that category. I don't, on the other hand, have a lot of sympathy for someone who is greedy and selfish, and gets burned.

For example... People getting caught up in a Ponzi scheme. Yes, some little old ladies lose their life savings in them through no fault of their own. But many of the people who lose their money KNOW it's too good to be true, but because of greed (or desperation, I guess) throw money into the scheme. I have sympathy for the first group, not much for the second.

To me, calling someone gullible is a way of lessening their responsibility for their actions. As in, they couldn't have known better because they were so gullible. Maybe it makes the BS feel better about choosing that person as their partner, or makes it easier to reconcile or move on, I don't know. But in the end, what it boils down to is that pretty much anyone with the emotional maturity to get married knows that cheating is wrong, and to do it risks everything in the relationship. No matter what fantasy web the other person weaves. And if the BS chooses to believe their partner's stories about how they were lead astray, well in my mind, that makes them the gullible one.

C


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Healer said:


> This isn't about women, this is about cheating women.
> 
> Thorburn - yes, your wife made the conscious decision. But why? What was her motivation? Just plain horny for new ****? Or did she feel that her AP had "special" feelings for her?


She gave me a bunch of reasons, one was she wanted to have fun and excitement. Keep in mind that my wife had planned to have sex with the XOM on September 9th, 2011. They planned it in July. My son tried to commit suicide on September 7th, he got one of my pistols and had it pointed against his head and was squeezing the trigger in front of my wife, who bolted out the house, and I grabbed the gun and called the police. The gun was not loaded.

Not even committing our son and having watched him with my gun against his head stopped my wife from having sex for the first time with XOM two days later.

That is how lost she was.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

couple said:


> There's some faulty logic going on here.
> 
> If a woman falls for a guy who listens to her (or at least acts like he does) and has a gift for saying the right thing to make her feel wanted, attractive, interesting, etc, why are we saying she's gullible? Even if she feels bad about it later, she got what she wanted/needed at the time.
> 
> ...


Yes I agree.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

couple said:


> There's some faulty logic going on here.
> 
> If a woman falls for a guy who listens to her (or at least acts like he does) and has a gift for saying the right thing to make her feel wanted, attractive, interesting, etc, why are we saying she's gullible? Even if she feels bad about it later, she got what she wanted/needed at the time.
> 
> ...


This line of thinking is more in line with my experience.

For the most part my experience is rare. I don't see to many threads wear an old excon who used to slap his wife around while she cheated and then finally do the heavy lifting to live a better life, and find that his wife still wants to follow suit and join him in a better way of life.


But ya healer has a point i would guess that maybey 60 to 70 % of the wayward wife we read here at CWI are chicks that found there soul mate and have fallen for one paticular OM.

I Think the other 40 to 30 percent of betrayed husbands posting here have serial cheater with several OM's and have other issues other then finding a soul mate.

Keep in mind here...I'm just putting up my thumb and looking at it with one eye open. So the % is really just me guessing/opinion after being here for over 3 years.

Either way there are 2 lines of thinking the the soul mate crap with one piticular OM and the serial cheater with several OM's with a rotation of one or two OM's at one paticular time.

And the reason for why a WW even goes down either of these road is way to much for me to type out.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

WyshIknew said:


> And irrespective of whether you reconcile or not is it a case of once bitten, twice shy?
> 
> Having been exposed to the deceit required to 'turn their heads' are they more aware of it?
> 
> (This obviously assumes a truly remorseful adulterer)


On the surface, I would tend to agree. However, if they (the cheater) has never been caught, exposed, and most importantly suffered the dire consequences of cheating, it seems the remorsefulness is a best short lived. 

When I caught my wife in an affair with her years ago college BF, it appeared to be the classic FB hookup that rekindled into a PA in just a few weeks. As the days went by, I discovered her hidden emails and text and had proof she had been serially cheating for years with at least 2 OM. She even discussed her "old" affairs with her current AP and he did the same. Misery love company if your will.

From what she wrote, she knew the previous affairs were just "you use me, I use you" relationships. She got a tremendous high from the attention and they got the sex from a pretty married woman no strings attached. Convenient.

I asked her, did your really believe this "new" affair would really be any different? Did you really think that you and the OM could cleanly divorce, remarry, and blend together grown families and everyone would understand and be happy for you?

In her crazy fantasy world, as long as no one knew the truth (consequences again) it was not only possible but justified. 

So are Cheaters that gullible? Hard to argue with the facts... but, in my wife's case, she had been cheating for so long she was just plain crazy. Yeah, she could pull it together and do a good pretend job when she needed to. But, that hidden agenda was always there in the background.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> She gave me a bunch of reasons, one was she wanted to have fun and excitement. Keep in mind that my wife had planned to have sex with the XOM on September 9th, 2011. They planned it in July. My son tried to commit suicide on September 7th, he got one of my pistols and had it pointed against his head and was squeezing the trigger in front of my wife, who bolted out the house, and I grabbed the gun and called the police. The gun was not loaded.
> 
> Not even committing our son and having watched him with my gun against his head stopped my wife from having sex for the first time with XOM two days later.
> 
> That is how lost she was.


Damn, that's brutal - sorry to hear that.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: Cheaters and their gullibility*



the guy said:


> I most have missed the "exception" part.
> 
> My thinking is after all the abuse Mrs. the guy recieved from me it was time to get hers. I pretty sure after years of being used by me she went out and started using others. I'm betting after the crap I did to her she was emotionally drained.
> 
> ...


I just have to say. Your posts are a lot deeper and contain more wisdom than many give you credit for. You're a sharp guy guy.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: Cheaters and their gullibility*



Healer said:


> Well, I thought so. It's simple - she was bored with family life, being a mom and the routine of marriage. ********* thug biker guy comes along, he's exciting and dangerous, throws a few stock "you deserve to be treated like a princess" lines at her, and now he's "the one" and it's "fate".
> 
> Extremely low self esteem combined with a sense of entitlement (read: "I deserve to be happy" - how many times have we BS heard THAT before?) are a deadly combo.
> 
> I don't think I believe in "soul mates". Relationships are hard work, and to remain faithful requires integrity, morals, values and boundaries. Cheaters are lacking all of the above, and also common sense. "This guy REALLY loves me!". No, he just knows you're easy - easily manipulated, easily fooled, and just....easy.


Soul mates are horse hockey. If soul mates were true you wouldn't have to work at marriage. And we all know the truth.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Yeah my wife was one of those types who thought she could get hers and get out...and that's exactly what she did when she got involved in all of her online affairs...claims she never physically cheated on me, but kept numerous online encounters of a very sexual nature. But this last time, which ended about 5-6 mos ago, she came a across a better manipulator than her that got in her head...and she became one of those, "Maybe I'm in love" types.
I think there are love addicts and sex addicts when it comes to serial cheaters. Some are in for the sexual thrill...some are in for the emotional thrill...and I don't think it has to be gender specific.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

FormerSelf said:


> But this last time, which ended about 5-6 mos ago, she came a across a better manipulator than her that got in her head...and she became one of those, "Maybe I'm in love" types.
> 
> I think there are love addicts and sex addicts when it comes to serial cheaters. Some are in for the sexual thrill...some are in for the emotional thrill...*and I don't think it has to be gender specific.*


Agreed. The last OM that my wife got into an affair with was an old BF. They had history from years past... he still knew how to push all her "right" buttons. 

I think his fantasy world was just as strong as my wife's. But then again... he had never been caught and had to deal with the harsh consequence of exposure. 

BTW... I had no problem "helping" him out with that "issue".


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Healer said:


> Because women in affairs often profess that the AP is their "soul mate", the "one" and it is "fate". You are assuming that these people are thinking rationally - "oh I know it's not real, I know I'm in the fog, this is just a quick fix - just what I need right now!". Uhhhh, no. What I've witnessed first hand, with my own WW and with many on this forum and in real life, is all the soul mate bunk.
> 
> *Hence their gullibility. You give cheaters far too much credit for being logical and rational, when in fact, for the most part, they are not.*
> 
> *******s who **** married women are players - and the women who **** them get played...and to be played, you have to be naive, gullible, whatever term you like.


Or perhaps, they are being rational in offsetting blame by blaming the universe instead.

That soulmate and I'm so in love is used by a lot of people. Remember Monica Lewinsky? It would not have been convincing if she had said, she just simply did not know that he was married.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Healer said:


> Thorburn - yes, your wife made the conscious decision. But why? What was her motivation? Just plain horny for new ****? Or did she feel that her AP had "special" feelings for her?


Women lose romantic interest in their husbands, fall out of love (the kind that makes them want to lay down with you) and start looking for a replacement. So my observation is her motivation is to find a replacement. 
Healer said, "thinking they are "special" to the posom - more "special" than they are to their BS. What interesting is how easy a so called "POSOM" can do that. You really have to wonder why.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> You really have to wonder why.


I will always wonder why. We're divorcing - but she still can't tell me why. She claims not to know. She did cop to being a "stupid, selfish woman", though.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

My ex believed in soul mates until she was scouting out other people - then she said she did not believe in the term.. funny eh?


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

bigtone128 said:


> My ex believed in soul mates until she was scouting out other people - then she said she did not believe in the term.. funny eh?


Yeah but not the "ha ha" kind.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

bigtone128 said:


> My ex believed in soul mates until she was scouting out other people - then she said she did not believe in the term.. funny eh?


I don't believe in soulmates at all.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> Not even committing our son and having watched him with my gun against his head stopped my wife from having sex for the first time with XOM two days later.
> 
> That is how lost she was.


Wow! 

And here I was having a pity party about how my WH didn't stop his affair even after I went through a cancer scare (took about 3 months of testing of get the all clear). Then again, he was in a strip club ten days after our child was born, so.... 

They really are jacked up in the head, aren't they?

Wow!


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