# Do kids hold your marriage together?



## BadHubby (Jan 12, 2012)

Just curious. 

A relative of mine who has always had the seemingly perfect life, confessed to me that if he did not have the 2 kids with her, he would surely be divorced. They essentially cant stand each other 75% of the time. 

Wondering if this is common?


----------



## neglected42 (Aug 11, 2014)

Not sure how common it is. I would be gone if it were not for my four kids.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Only thing holding us together is the massive financial drain of two kids in college... 2.5 years to go, not that I'm counting


----------



## Kabindo (Nov 8, 2014)

Yes.

Roses are red.

Violets are red.

Everything’s red.

Hurt like I’m dead.

Anger with passion

At cold and lame dame.

Escape. Any fashion.

My hope’s only game.

Not always this way.

There was once a flame.

Don’t know what happened.

Maybe I'm to blame.

But what can I do

About my precious two?

Though _I_ may suffer,

For them, it’d be rougher.

It’s not their fault,

Lil’ angels on earth.

Marriage ain’t easy

But I know what it’s worth.

My kids deserve both

Mother and father.

Sacrifice for them,

Pretend it’s no bother.

They’ll need to feel joy,

Have stability too.

So always be happy,

Don’t show them the truth.

And _I_ must press on,

A family man.

Strong.

Devoted to home

Even if sad and

Alone.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

at least from my side.


----------



## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Yep, sure do. I can't stand to be around her most of the time (needless to say, our sex life is zero). Strange thing is, this came about because of the kids. She decided that she needs to nag me constantly, ***** about how I do things (drive, clean the kids, etc). I've also grown weary of the immaturity that she loves to show - I'm sorry, but cussing like a 12 year old, and being proud of it, isn't what I call maturity befitting a mother in her late 40's.

It's pretty sad that I encourage her to go out with her friends whenever she has a chance so the kids and I can stay home and have a stress-free evening. Also sad that I don't look forward to weekends, as that means that we'll have to spend time together, which is why I try to take the kids out whenever I can. Too bad winter is coming, and I'll have to find some other things to do with them, otherwise we'll have to stay home and listen to her complain that the kids are whiny, too demanding, etc.


----------



## ElCanario (Nov 11, 2013)

Yes, for sure. If it weren't for the kids, I'd have been gone long, long ago. No love, sex or affection, she's a childish bully who goes verbally or physically abusive if she can't have her way. I'd say this is definitely a hate-hate relationship now.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I'd have left years sooner if not for our son. Eventually, even he was not enough to make me stay, but at least he was early teens by then and things had gotten even worse between us.


----------



## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

For a time yes. Then for some, that just isnt enough, and they just leave.


----------



## Feeling-Lonely (Nov 13, 2013)

wow these answers are Not motivating me to have kids with my husband.


----------



## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Yikes, in all fairness here I’d add that children provide balance and motivation to see through the difficult times of a marriage and give a deeper meaning to the ultimate purpose of a marital union and the ongoing commitment that a man and woman, together, make to the larger whole which is the family.


----------



## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

it's definitely holding my friend's marriage together... right before they got a surprise pregnancy they were on the verge of breaking up. The pregnancy changed everything, and now they keep having surprise pregnancies despite the fact that they cannot afford it and it is stressing my friend out having children so close together. She straight up told me they probably would not have stayed together if they hadn't gotten pregnant on accident. Now even through they seem so incompatible and he's just not very good to her and seems to not genuinely love her, they both are trying their hardest to keep their family together. I don't know whether to commend them for their commitment or feel sad that I know my friend deserves better. It's been very eye opening to me to witness, as I myself do not have any children yet.


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

My kids may have added a few years to the marriage but eventually she decided that she would bust up the family for her own selfish reasons, spouting some BS about how "they can empower themselves to make changes in their lives".

Turns out all she taught them is that men are disposable...just like her mother.


----------



## Mr. Man (Aug 23, 2014)

Having two young kids is keeping me from leaving. It might be keeping my wife from leaving as well. We're about to start marriage counseling and really need it. I am trying to stay open minded and not bad-mouth her, since I think there's probably no hope once it gets to that point. I'm not sure how bad it needs to be for a divorce to be a better option, and I think it also matters if you feel like your spouse will be a good ex-wife/husband. Meaning, they won't try to poison your relationship with your kids, will stick to the parenting plan, will be reasonable when things change. My youngest is six and we've been married 12 years. I certainly don't want another 12 years of what it's like now. It's not easy to figure out.


----------



## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Good luck Mr. Man, been where you are and we pulled it through. It ain't easy but it's worrth a "Best Efforts" shot - if for nothing else but for the family!

Ride hard my Brother!


----------



## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

SamuraiJack said:


> My kids may have added a few years to the marriage but eventually she decided that she would bust up the family for her own selfish reasons, spouting some BS about how "they can empower themselves to make changes in their lives".
> 
> Turns out all she taught them is that men are disposable...just like her mother.


This.

"You can't expect me to stay for the kids. They be fine. Lots of kids have divorced parents."

Sure babe. Off to your party now.


----------



## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

EasyPartner said:


> This.
> 
> "You can't expect me to stay for the kids. They be fine. Lots of kids have divorced parents."
> 
> Sure babe. Off to your party now.


In this day and age, you really can't expect someone to stay married for the kids. She was right on that point. And many kids do have divorced parents. Right again.

Whether she's off to her party now, only you can say. But so many women on this forum struggle with husbands who don't listen, don't try, don't bother, and then expect their wife to stay in a miserable situation until the kids leave home. Where's this great party we are going to?? When I leave, I'll be watching every penny, living in a two bedroom apartment, trying to balance working full-time with all the demands of being a good parent. I have already decided I won't date for many years... maybe never again. That's how much my bad marriage has affected my desire to be in another relationship. So, sure, babe. I'll stay. Sounds great. 

Let me add that the above is really directed at my H. You just happen to share his point of view.


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Feeling-Lonely said:


> wow these answers are Not motivating me to have kids with my husband.


If your marriage is having problems now, having kids won't solve them, and it could amplify them. Most of these less than enthusiastic answers are from couples that didn't recognize and/or deal with their problems before having kids. 

The debate in that situation is whether to stay and work on the problems, stay and not work on them with the idea of bailing out later, or go if the situation is really lousy. For the first option to be possible, both spouses have to be committed to making it work. The other two options are lousy, but sometimes you end up there through naïveté or ignoring warning signs.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

There was a time in my marriage when I would have divorced if not for my daughter.

She is the sole reason I stayed.

Now a few years later I'm very happy she kept me here.


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Married but Happy said:


> I'd have left years sooner if not for our son. Eventually, even he was not enough to make me stay, but at least he was early teens by then and things had gotten even worse between us.



How long did it take you from wanting to Divorce until you actually filed?


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Feeling-Lonely said:


> wow these answers are Not motivating me to have kids with my husband.


Not in the troubled marriage category but our kids had nothing to do with weather we stayed together or not.

I believe that attitude actually harms the marriage even more.

Kids are not any reason to stay in or not work out a crappy marriage.


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

I think children force two people to stay in an unhappy marriage to prolong the misery..

Kids keeps people together just a little longer in hopes that the marriage can be saved... It is possible.... That's what I keep telling myself...


----------



## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

TBH threads like this, and watching what kids have done to most of the marriages of the contemporaries in our lives, it's really not a ringing endorsement for having rugrats.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Depends on the outcome of said rug rats. If my daughters were the usual average I would have not bothered to provide much more than the usual and would likely have divorced years ago. But they are exceptional in every aspect, academic to personal. So it's a sacrifice I'm willing to do for a while.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

john117 said:


> Depends on the outcome of said rug rats. If my daughters were the usual average I would have not bothered to provide much more than the usual and would likely have divorced years ago. But they are exceptional in every aspect, academic to personal. So it's a sacrifice I'm willing to do for a while.


Spoken like a proud father.


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

I didn't realize so many of us stay married for our children. With divorce already at 50% or so, how many of the other 50% want to Divorce and don't because of children or finances... Seems like a lot of unhappy marriages...






jaquen said:


> TBH threads like this, and watching what kids have done to most of the marriages of the contemporaries in our lives, it's really not a ringing endorsement for having rugrats.


*
It's not a ringing endorsement for marriage either.
*



john117 said:


> Depends on the outcome of said rug rats. If my daughters were the usual average I would have not bothered to provide much more than the usual and would likely have divorced years ago. But they are exceptional in every aspect, academic to personal. So it's a sacrifice I'm willing to do for a while.


*
I know that I will never encourage my daughter to get married and have children. I dont care to be a grandpa anytime soon...Eventually, our daughter will know we sleep in different rooms and are staying married for her...I don't know how she will respond to that...My hope will be that she will learn from us and be very selective with the men she dates. Still a long way from that...she is just 11.*


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

It is not an endorsement at all. Marriage is like democracy, a curious arrangement that allows every ignorant voter out there to help choose the country's path. A frightening idea except we don't have a better one...

Marriage combines three different power kegs: emotions, finances, and children. Not quite the easiest thing to manage.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

You sound pretty disillusioned with marriage, John. And yet you still keep a sense of humor about it. Probably a pretty good coping skill.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I do. Remember you get to juggle three different lives and do well in all three to have a chance. Is it worth the effort?

In my next reincarnation I should skip sex and marriage altogether and go for kids via a surrogate mother using eggs replicated from Frida Kahlo de Rivera .


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

john117 said:


> I do. Remember you get to juggle three different lives and do well in all three to have a chance. Is it worth the effort?
> 
> In my next reincarnation I should skip sex and marriage altogether and go for kids via a surrogate mother using eggs replicated from Frida Kahlo de Rivera .


Had to google her...

Your too funny


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Why is that desire to have children so powerful?

That desire for kids drew me to my wife who I thought would make a good mother to my future children... If that was all I wanted, I chose great... She puts our daughters needs way above everything else....

Nothing even remotely close to Frida..


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I'm not 

I love art and was really moved after seeing the movie Frida. I like someone intelligent, exotic, creative, and passionate. 

Life is too short for anything else.


----------



## TheHappyGuy (Aug 27, 2012)

john117 said:


> Depends on the outcome of said rug rats. If my daughters were the usual average I would have not bothered to provide much more than the usual and would likely have divorced years ago. But they are exceptional in every aspect, academic to personal. So it's a sacrifice I'm willing to do for a while.


I don't understand. Wouldn't they continue to be exceptional if you were divorced? Maybe you'd even be able to enjoy it more because you'd be happier as well.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

They are exceptional partially because they were able to benefit from the combined income of both parents while growing up. Things like top schools, private lessons, lots of travel, experiences...

(My trouble with my wife started about 6 years ago when the girls were in middle & high school. They're both on college now with many years left)


----------



## TheHappyGuy (Aug 27, 2012)

john117 said:


> They are exceptional partially because they were able to benefit from the combined income of both parents while growing up. Things like top schools, private lessons, lots of travel, experiences...
> 
> (My trouble with my wife started about 6 years ago when the girls were in middle & high school. They're both on college now with many years left)


I see. I'm sorry to hear about your troubles with your wife. Funny how this things suddenly seem to pop up out of nowhere. I wish they wouldn't.


----------



## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

For our baby boy for now. Asked wife for divorce. Was back with her after 3 day split. Her parents and my parents and mutual friends got involved. So now back in counseling/marriage counseling. Will see what the future holds.


----------

