# Possibly divorcing. I'm upset



## lostsoul_2017 (Aug 1, 2017)

New here, please go easy.
So it's difficult to talk about things like this so please bear with me.
This is my first marriage and my current wife's 2nd. We got married last year. We are religious people in our respective faiths.
It's been difficult because she is a very quiet person and not really there for me emotionally or expresses much but other than that, I have learned to live with it. We both have the same views about things morally and ethically.

I moved from another country to the US due to my business but "diverted" because of her. I paid for everything - every thing because I want to take care of her. We are some what old fashioned and I always ask her if she wants to pay or me and she doesn't mind. I also know she does not make much salary so I pay for things, and I am happy to do so. I work long hours but flexible and she works night shift at a hospital, and that's fine too.

To cut the long story short, she was not happy with her work recently. I supported her. I encouraged her to apply for other jobs and helped her look. She applied for one, knowingly that there is nothing for me in that area. She got an interview and that surprised me she accepted and went for it. 
It's in the same place as her family - I get that. (Yet to meet...believe it or not).
That's good. She doesn't like the state/city we are in and she has been here in the state for a few years and its time to change. I support her. I asked her what happens if she gets it? To which she said she will talk everything.

She then got an offer, very quick and accepted it without even telling me. In fact I had to drag it out of her. There are things you need to drag out of her at times. I don't think she has anything to hide. She is not that type of person.

Complete shock. I'm panicking inside. She starts in a short period of time. Anyway... 

She then out of the blue within a short timeframe drives up to her parents (8 hours away) and tells me AFTER the fact. Just like that. OK.... and I am upset. I have a bad day and tell her why and she never really says comforting things but I accept it. 
An entire day and night goes by where she never texted me, calls me or emails me. I get a really bad feeling. I call her a few times and it goes to voicemail and never picks up. Totally out of character. I get she is with her family but all day and night and not a single 2 second text?

I am really going out of my mind above everything else I am managing with my work and thinking about her. I then do something stupid and file for dissolution and disconnect her phone because I feel like I was some stepping stone or being used in some way. My emotions took over but generally I am pretty decent but this time, they just took over because I have had this in the past where people use me a lot. I am truly sorry for this.

I dont hear from her even by email and I then file for a missing person report. On the same day I get a one sentence email telling that she is going to vacate the property (rented) as per my attorney's instructions. I am fuming mad. I then go to see her (I was working in a different city) and its like she doesn't care about what I have been thinking or going through. 

Anyway we talk or I tell her about it all and how I feel and that I felt I was never included. She never once said that we both should go look at things or check things out or even meet family - nothing. How am I supposed to feel?

anyway, last week things are just unnecessarily complicated by her and seems to counter and misconstrue everything I say. I am so low down and in complete shock and disbelief and traumatised. I know it's my fault but it's like meet me half way. 
she has been packing and everything and tells me she needs "A moment" to think. But I don't feel that. She needs a moment to think about how best to pack quick so she can get out of her quick. 

I am so upset, I keep telling her and been lots of tears. It's tough. I really don't want to end this and it's my fault for sure but I didn't know what on earth has been going on and she won't say much. She is like that at times but I got a seriously bad feeling on the day she didn't reach out. I felt like ok, maybe she is just much happier there with her family (and hates this town we are in) and doesn't include me so just to be respectful and "let her go/set her free". Why make anyone suffer?

yesterday I tried talking, to see where she is at with things and how she is feeling but she was rushing around. She just wanted to argue even though I respect her. In the end she took her laptop (I got her that recently) and a few suitcases and left. I tried getting in touch even a simple question as to when she would be back and if she wants dinner. Didn't get anything back. She was supposed to leave again today to go to her parents.

She doesn't get that I am trying to be there for both of us emotionally and I need to know what she is thinking and how best to move forward. She easily enough took the money I promised her at the beginning should things not work out but keeps saying she needs "a moment". There was no need for her to leave yesterday afternoon or check into a hotel. Could have stayed here like she did the night before. 

I care alot, I don't get much back at times but still I am all over the place. And I need to move out this week because I dont drive and do NOT know this town at all. I don't even know what her plans are except she is back later this week and is going to rent a truck to load her stuff and drive to her parents with her stuff. But I need to be out here by Sunday as I have had to fly in a friend to help me move.

I just want us to talk maturely and respectfully but seems that's not going to happen. I love her, I do. She is quirky but really besides that, pretty down to earth and good and not complicated (thankfully). I am just all over. Panic and anxiety attacks. I miss her. I want to hear her voice. 

I just felt I was never included and told her. Then the radio silence. I mean, I am not perfect but still this raises alarms to me. Yes I have had a tough life, a REAL tough life and alarm bells go off but whose life does not? 

She married me. Accepted me (who would?! I am butt ugly!! and people don't "stay still" these days). I have done pretty damn ALOT for both of us in a short period of time (I mean it in a proud and good way). 

I am very emotionally mature and had 1 weak point that took over. I feel so awful. I am not perfect but damn better than most (and have been told). I had 1 weak moment and I just messed up. I am very numb and all over and wish she could see or understand that. I wrote a letter to her and left it on the desk downstairs. I don't know what she has done with it, probably thrown it away. I just explained that I am sorry, I love her and what she means to me and no matter what, to keep that letter close to her heart and think in a rational way. I know she doesn't have the right but still.

I don't know what to do. I don't even know if she threw away her wedding ring. I am really distraught and upset. I don't have family here or many friends at all. It's all just professional workers. :-(

I am sorry for the filtered outpouring here. I deserve everything I get but I still want us to at least talk, work it out and take it from there and still be respectful regardless of her decision. 

Thank you for reading.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Can you elaborate on what your "one weak moment" was? You'll get much better advice if we know what may have driven her to leave.

Were you unfaithful?


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## lostsoul_2017 (Aug 1, 2017)

Thank you for your response.

No. Was not unfaithful at all. The weak moment was where I asked an attorney to draw up and send her the dissolution papers and I turned off her cell service.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

lostsoul_2017 said:


> Thank you for your response.
> 
> No. Was not unfaithful at all. The weak moment was where I asked an attorney to draw up and send her the dissolution papers and I turned off her cell service.


This is a strong moment. Not a weak one. 

First, take some time to care for yourself. You will be ok no matter what happens. You sound like you have a lot to give, the right woman will be thrilled with that. Go to the dr and get some anti-anxiety or depression meds to get you through this time. A friend is coming, good. Surround yourself with support. Whatever you need to do. 

I'm sketchy about her behaviour here, maybe I've read the forums too long but I'd double check there is no other man in the area she is moving to. Seems suspicious for her to just up and go and be so distant so suddenly. 

If she doesn't want to work on things then do turn off her cell, take your half of the money out of the account, do not chase her, do not try to call her. Go dark.


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## lostsoul_2017 (Aug 1, 2017)

When I say I had a weak moment - that is what I meant where I was not thinking straight. I sensed something bad and having no comms for an entire day just freaked me out. I don't think there is another man at all. She is not like that but does have her family there. 
I have no means of getting around and not yet registered with a doctor here. I am isolated in the house an as for this "friend", not so much a friend but more of an ex-colleague but do chat from time to time. I don't have many friends, being new to this country.

I just really want her. I am not going to contact her out of respect and her wishes (even though she said she will communicate). I don't know what to expect when she is back later this week to start continuing the packing and loading. I just want to sit with her and talk. Very confused about my thinking and with what she was doing (taking this job and not really involving me in the whole process of looking around the areas and meeting her family).


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Was this a great marriage from the beginning? How often were you two having sex? Were you kissing and hugging a lot?

I get the impression she used you and you insecure with yourself, married the first hot girl that expressed interest in you.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> I get the impression she used you and you insecure with yourself, married the first hot girl that expressed interest in you.




Exactly.

She seems to be a user...letting you foot the bill for everything ,not consulting you before making huge life altering decisions.

Move on.
She's not worth it.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## lostsoul_2017 (Aug 1, 2017)

This was not the case at all where she was the first hot girl and got married. Please, be a little respectful. She is average looking like I am. Looks has nothing to do with it. Please can we be sensible and respect the situation?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Man up. You come across as a weak doormat on the Internet. I can't imagine what you're like in real life. Even your username is depressing. This is to help you, not hurt you.

So, how often were you two having sex?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

She doesn't really communicate with you. She won't take you to meet her family. She decided to accept a job far away and then disappeared for a couple of days. You disconnected her phone and filed for divorce. She moved out. Seems to me there isn't really anything to discuss. She's done.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

lostsoul_2017 said:


> When I say I had a weak moment - that is what I meant where I was not thinking straight. I sensed something bad and having no comms for an entire day just freaked me out. I don't think there is another man at all. She is not like that but does have her family there.
> I have no means of getting around and not yet registered with a doctor here. I am isolated in the house an as for this "friend", not so much a friend but more of an ex-colleague but do chat from time to time. I don't have many friends, being new to this country.
> 
> I just really want her. I am not going to contact her out of respect and her wishes (even though she said she will communicate). I don't know what to expect when she is back later this week to start continuing the packing and loading. I just want to sit with her and talk. Very confused about my thinking and with what she was doing (taking this job and not really involving me in the whole process of looking around the areas and meeting her family).


I agree with the others that she's a user. And that she doesn't love you. Sorry to say that, but it's better to be real with yourself than keep lying to yourself. Do you think love should look and feel like this?

Also...please check your phone records. Something tells me there's another guy in the picture. Sorry to say that, too...but spouses don't just leave at a moment's notice, excluding their spouses, unless there's another person involved. 

My advice. Get out of this marriage, and start learning to respect yourself a little more. NO ONE should treat you this way, especially your wife.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Unfortunately with these kind of situations you can't do much. You can't make someone talk to you. You can't make them love you or treat you fairly. Your wife has abandoned you. This is really her issue not yours. Maybe there were problems in the marriage but she didn't fight for it, hell she didn't even talk to you about it. 

I know it doesn't seem like this now but there was never any hope with someone who treats other and especially someone as important as her husband and her marriage like it can just be thrown away. There is no benefit to be married to someone like this. She is not really a mature person, she may never be. 

You have to deal with you new reality. 

By the way it may also include another man. Happens all the time. 

However you are not dead, and you still can and most likely will have a happy life. You call yourself ugly, why is that? You can fix that. Get in shape. It's time to change your thinking. This women doesn't crap gold, she is not Cleopatra. There are plenty of fish in the sea. It's up to you to make a happy life it's just not going to be with this women. Things end, but new things begin.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

She took all she could get from you and now has a job by her parents house. A perfect situation for her. You exacerbated the situation with the dissolution papers and she figured, ok, I'll move on I don't need him. Why does she need to talk to you, you drew up the papers, all she wants to do is leave you now. Your weak moment cost you this relationship,


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

lostsoul_2017 said:


> Thank you for your response.
> 
> No. Was not unfaithful at all. The weak moment was where I asked an attorney to draw up and send her the dissolution papers and I turned off her cell service.


That was not a weak moment. That was you finally standing up for yourself.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

She was gone for one day for the first time, and you filed for divorce that very day? Then the next day you filed a missing person report?

You should have filed the missing person report first, out of concern for her. The dissolution of marriage papers should have come waaaay later. It sounds like you are very impulsive and manipulative. She called your bluff and wants to go through with the divorce. Good for her.

It sounds like the two of you dodged a bullet. It is a good thing you don't have children, because divorce will be much less complicated.

She didn't sound like marriage material with her lack of communication. Were there any good traits in her that attracted you to her to want to marry her? Did she change after marriage? Did you?

Get counselling, grow up, and don't be so quick to file for divorce if you don't really want to next time.


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## lostsoul_2017 (Aug 1, 2017)

Its easy to judge when you are not the one going through it. Want me to kill myself? Make you feel better? I know i didnt do it the right way of things but i just want her to talk and to come back together. Do you understand this, instead of being nasty all the time?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

lostsoul_2017 said:


> Its easy to judge when you are not the one going through it.


Oh, I went through something like that. My first husband used divorce as a manipulation tool, and it hurt me greatly. I finally gained my freedom when I did not beg him to reconsider. That is why I picked up on your filing for divorce so quickly.





lostsoul_2017 said:


> Want me to kill myself? Make you feel better?


 No, I don't want you to kill 
yourself. Are you really suicidal? If you are, please call call 911 right now.

So this is the behavior that could have driven her away. If you aren't really suicidal, why are you talking like that? To manipulate?




lostsoul_2017 said:


> I know i didnt do it the right way of things but i just want her to talk and to come back together.


 Good answer. This is honest. Next time, don't manipulate by filing for divorce. Self soothe until you can speak with the person you love, and tell her the truth about how you are feeling?





lostsoul_2017 said:


> Do you understand this, instead of being nasty all the time?


 There you go.... Why are you turning things around and attacking me? I am only being honest with you, and sometimes the truth is not "nice." Look up the term DARVO. That is what you have attempted to do with me. If you have also been this way with your wife, that could be one of the reasons she left.


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## lostsoul_2017 (Aug 1, 2017)

ok this is not working or helping. Thanks for the continued attacks and being unhelpful. I came for some sensible, mature advice. I did not manipulate so stop trying to make me that I am. Do not force me to be something I am not. 
I pour at my heart and get stabbed. Very sensible.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

lostsoul_2017 said:


> Its easy to judge when you are not the one going through it. Want me to kill myself? Make you feel better? I know i didnt do it the right way of things but i just want her to talk and to come back together. Do you understand this, instead of being nasty all the time?


LS, you are in pain now, but things will get better.

I have a few questions because your situation is somewhat unusual

1. How did you two end up together? Was this an online relationship?
2. How long have you been married?
3. Have you met her family, her friends, her work colleagues? 

4. Why would you file for dissolution unless you thought there was something not quite right?
5. How could she go off and work so far away without discussing it with you her H

6. When people ask you about the physical side of your marriage, they are not being disrespectful, just want to gage what is going on (we are all strangers and sex is part of marriage) 
7. was this some sort of marital arrangement that went sour?

Lastly, from reading your postings, you do not sound emotionally mature at all, you sound like you are in some sort of hindi drama. This is real life, are you in an arranged marriage?


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