# I had/am having an emotional affair



## IDK12334 (Mar 23, 2014)

My husband and I dated at college, graduated, got married and had twins. Sadly they were premature and passed away after a few weeks in the NICU. I was really depressed about losing them and felt my husband didn't understand at all. He just kept on saying that we could have another child.
Through losing the babies I had formed this bond with a (lesbian) woman who had also lost her baby at the same time. On the six month anniversary of the twins' birth my husband booked us a holiday to try for another baby. It just made me feel so disgusting, I had been telling him for six months that I didn't want to have another child and he had planned this whole holiday to attempt to do that. I totally overreacted and we got into a big fight.

When we got back I found myself increasingly spending time with this woman. I would talk to her about all my issues with my husband as well as just general friend stuff. We'd meet a couple times a week and would text every day. She made me feel happier and my husband and I were getting on better too. I'd tell him about this woman and he was happy I had a friend to talk to.
This went on for about a year and then she met someone. For a long time I'd been her #1 person and now she had someone else, I was just plain jealous. 

A couple of weeks ago she and I were arguing lots and she asked me why I was being such a c*nt and I said to her that I didn't like that she was dating someone and that I was jealous. We stood there is a sort of shocked silence before I went home. I felt so guilty I couldn't look at my husband, I then texted the woman and said that I couldn't be around her right now. 

So on Friday morning she texted me asking if I was going to come over to watch our favourite tv show like I usually did. I said I thought it was a bad idea, but she said she wanted to talk. I went over and she was really drunk, she told me she had broken up with her girlfriend for me and then tried to kiss me. I told her that I was married and that I didn't like her like that. She called BS and we argued. I told her that I couldn't hang out with her anymore and went home, blocked her on my phone and unfriended her on FB and haven't spoken to her since.

I love my husband and I want to be with him. But I do have some feelings for this woman; I miss talking to her even thought it's been a couple of days. I feel like I have a stronger emotional bond with her than my husband right now. I want to make it work with him but I don't know how. If I tell him he'll never trust me again but I can't not tell him because that makes me a lying b*tch. Seriously any advice welcome, I can't believe I got myself into this situation.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Honesty is the best policy. You need to give him something that he did not allow him the first time around a choice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

IDK12334 said:


> My husband and I dated at college, graduated, got married and had twins. Sadly they were premature and passed away after a few weeks in the NICU. I was really depressed about losing them and felt my husband didn't understand at all. He just kept on saying that we could have another child.
> Through losing the babies I had formed this bond with a (lesbian) woman who had also lost her baby at the same time. On the six month anniversary of the twins' birth my husband booked us a holiday to try for another baby. It just made me feel so disgusting, I had been telling him for six months that I didn't want to have another child and he had planned this whole holiday to attempt to do that. I totally overreacted and we got into a big fight.
> 
> When we got back I found myself increasingly spending time with this woman. I would talk to her about all my issues with my husband as well as just general friend stuff. We'd meet a couple times a week and would text every day. She made me feel happier and my husband and I were getting on better too. I'd tell him about this woman and he was happy I had a friend to talk to.
> ...


I think you should ask yourself where you stand. You may want to go to counseling. You're confused right now because you're in the middle of it but there are as you've probably already guessed some other big things going on here other than the issue of faithfulness. You need to figure them out.


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## 12345Person (Dec 8, 2013)

Tell your husband everything that happened. Don't procrastinate, and don't waste any time. If you really want your marriage to work, then it's imperative you address this particular issue with your husband. 

After you confess to your husband, and the fallout happens, let us know.

On the plus side, you rejected her physical advances which might be a positive in your husband's mind, even with the emotional affair. 

There are a LOT of problems that need to be addressed after you confess, btw. Marriage counseling would be a big step along the way.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need grief counselling. And MC, too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> You need grief counselling. And MC, too.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 I agree big time and the sooner the better. Having to deal with a loss like you both have had is heartbreaking. 

I honestly don't think that what your husband did was bad. He just doesn't understand that you were the one carrying these children only to have them pass away and I'm sorry for your loss. 

What he has to realize is that maybe he's ready to try again but you aren't. That's why you need outside help with professional people who specialize in this type of situation.

Please sit down with your husband and talk to him about the both of you seeking the help you need. I think it will pay off in dividends. Good luck.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

OP, I agree with the others that you need grief counseling, and now. I can't imagine how hard that was for you. No, your H doesn't understand. When we women are pregnant we create certain hormones, feel the baby inside us and start loving it and feeling protective of it before birth. And when we go into labor we get a surge of oxytocin. Oxytocin is the love hormone that bonds us to our babies. Because of all this, your bond with your babies was much stronger than your H. He did not get to experience all this except from the outside. I am sure he felt the loss of the babies and was heart broken too, but not like you. In addition to that, men just aren't naturally compassionate. They don't know what to say in situations like this, especially when they are young.

The relationship and feelings you have for this woman is mostly normal. You two shared a bond, you both lost your babies. You two truly understood how each other felt, you are both women so you could talk it out too, with understanding and empathy.

It is understandable that you would feel close to this woman. It doesn't mean you desired her sexually or were in love with her. You formed a dependency and emotionally attachment because she could identify with you. I am not sure I would say it was, is, an emotional affair. I think it was more like a grieving crutch. You two got each other, your husband didn't get you, as far as how you felt about loosing your babies.

I think what you need to emphasize with your H is that you need this kind of understanding from him. Unfortunately he this probably doesn't come natural to him (like it does for women) and he will have to learn some new skills. Counseling will help both of you with this. You both need a chance to heal this pain together.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

IDK12334 said:


> My husband and I dated at college, graduated, got married and had twins. Sadly they were premature and passed away after a few weeks in the NICU. I was really depressed about losing them and felt my husband didn't understand at all. He just kept on saying that we could have another child.


On a side note, the above illiterates how men and women approach problems differently. Men want to fix things. Women want empathy and understanding. Your husband didn’t intend to be uncaring. 

I obviously intend no disrespect or to minimize the loss of your children but there is a funny video on YouTube that illustrates this point. It only lasts 1:41. Google: It’s not about the nail. 

If you understand how men are maybe you can forgive your husband about how he acted. Being a woman, the OW instinctively knew want you needed at such a tragic time.


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## IDK12334 (Mar 23, 2014)

I sat my husband down and gave him the extended version of what I wrote here. 

He basically said that he already knew that I had more of a connection with her than with him and he didn't mind; that he didn't really understand whatever was going on and because he could see that she was making me happy. He said that he was glad that there wasn't anything sexual going on but it hadn't really occurred to him that there might be. He even suggested that I stay friends with her if she can sort out her own feelings. 

I suggested that we go for counselling and he said that he didn't have anything to say. I said that I wanted to talk anyway and he essentially told me he'd didn't really want to hear it. 

I just feel really blah about it. He was so emotionally detached about the whole thing. He's always been a man of few words but if he told me that he was closer to a friend than to me I'd be heartbroken. 

I'll definitely go to counselling by myself though; I went just after we lost the babies but I think I was mostly in shock at that point.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You should go for counseling so you can figure out what's going on with yourself. It could be that besides the bonding over your childrens' deaths, you saw her as a safe person for your affection because naturally you can't get pregnant with her, and that's a lot safer than getting pregnant and then even having a child who lives, then you worry about the kid for the rest of your life...

BUT, if that's the case, trust me, after a while you stop worrying about your kids dying. I mean, it's there, but it's not overwhelmingly large, and you also figure out how resilient you are.

I lost my first child, and the advice my OB gave me was to get pregnant again as soon as I was able. It sounded harsh, but I trusted him as he was a friend. He was right. Humans are really resilient.

Anyhow, nobody can really figure this out but you. There are some theories, but you should go to IC and reach your own conclusion. 

There is always risk in life of losing people close to you. It goes with the territory. What would be even worse is not being able to form any kind of connection at all out of fear.

Your husband may just be more pragmatic than you. And less hormonal. He's already realized that even though he would like to get pregnant, he is only 1/2 of the joint equation. I wouldn't call it detached, although it's certainly a different way of handling attachments than your own. No way is wrong...some people just tend to be more rational about what makes them happy or content, or okay with going on to the next day/moment.


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## 12345Person (Dec 8, 2013)

Get rid of your friend.

Drag your husband to Marriage Counseling. DRAG him.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

IDK12334 said:


> I just feel really blah about it. He was so emotionally detached about the whole thing. He's always been a man of few words but if he told me that he was closer to a friend than to me I'd be heartbroken.


If you told him you were in an EA with a man, he would hit the roof. Some men don't feel as threatened by an OW as they would an OM. That's not me, but some don't. He's suddenly see the light if you told him you were running off with this woman and divorcing him for her.

IMHO, an affair is an affair, whether it be with someone of the opposite sex or same sex.


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