# Embarrassed and at a crossroads



## CuriousC (May 7, 2020)

Hi
I’ve been on these threads some time back about marital issues. Your typical high sex drive vs low, lack of spontaneity etc . Also some issues / concern about my wife’s drinking.

The last little while we’ve regressed. So we kinda met in the middle in terms of sex but in terms of doing more things together hasn’t materialised. She’s just not an active person. She’s also put on a good bit of weight but I’ve said nothing to that fact.

anyway we finally went for a night away to a concert and the night was a disaster. She got really drunk and was more or less unable to talk coherently and was stumbling. I was initially very concerned of course but also extremely embarrassed as we had to get via taxi to the hotel.Since then she has apologised but I told her I’m very unhappy and that I’m not sure I can continue with a person who is being so destructive to her health. There was no shouting etc I just said how I feel. As I don’t drink now I feel I’m not in her plans etc. She’ll meet up with friends and get drunk but there will never be an offer to me to do something I like. I’m the one who offers things!

I love this lady yet at times I’m embarrassed and very frustrated with her.I’m not sure I can live the rest of life not feeling like I have someone who has my back and who wants to spend time doing things I like .


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

You’re really ok with her going out drinking with friends? You’ve said she gets drunk; whatever boundaries you’ve agreed upon disappear when out with friends and drunk. She likely enjoys the attention and things can get quickly physical. But you know all this, you’ve said your sex life is, at best, sporadic, and it’s still within acceptance that she does this?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

She is obviously not much into you, more into getting drunk with girlfriends and eating pizza. If you are not getting anything out of the relationship, get out of it. Do you have children?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Substance abuse and drunkardness is perfectly valid reason to end a relationship/marriage.


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## CuriousC (May 7, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> You’re really ok with her going out drinking with friends? You’ve said she gets drunk; whatever boundaries you’ve agreed upon disappear when out with friends and drunk. She likely enjoys the attention and things can get quickly physical. But you know all this, you’ve said your sex life is, at best, sporadic, and it’s still within acceptance that she does this?


I suppose it comes down to trust - we’re married 16 years nearly and have 3 kids. Sex life bar the early courtship has always been the challenge.


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## CuriousC (May 7, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> She is obviously not much into you, more into getting drunk with girlfriends and eating pizza. If you are not getting anything out of the relationship, get out of it. Do you have children?


Yes 3 children. That’s one of my biggest concerns


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

CuriousC said:


> I suppose it comes down to trust - we’re married 16 years nearly and have 3 kids. Sex life bar the early courtship has always been the challenge.


Read what you wrote. You want to trust someone who’s drunk to respect boundaries at a bar?


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## CuriousC (May 7, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> Substance abuse and drunkardness is perfectly valid reason to end a relationship/marriage.


Yeah when confronted she said she wasn’t sure what went wrong as she didn’t drink much! But We were in a concert with many people a similar age to me (mid forties) and she couldn’t manage herself. I was so embarrassed and it really hurt me deep down . How can I grow old with someone who just has this neglect for her health. It’s rare we get away from kids on our own - I’m not going to lie but I was looking forward to being intimate that night (after a nice night out!!) but she obviously didn’t think the same!


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## CuriousC (May 7, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> Read what you wrote. You want to trust someone who’s drunk to respect boundaries at a bar?


Get your point - I don’t know but I just don’t feel she’d do that as she’s not really very forward when it comes to sex etc in our life. But I could be miles off the mark


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She is a candidate for _Alcoholics Anonymous_; and for treatment for her likely underlying depression.

It not that, she is a candidate to be that sad looking pickle seen in the bar's vinegar bottle.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

CuriousC said:


> Hi
> I’ve been on these threads some time back about marital issues. Your typical high sex drive vs low, lack of spontaneity etc . Also some issues / concern about my wife’s drinking.
> 
> The last little while we’ve regressed. So we kinda met in the middle in terms of sex but in terms of doing more things together hasn’t materialised. She’s just not an active person. She’s also put on a good bit of weight but I’ve said nothing to that fact.
> ...


I hope she at some point realizes she needs to either get a grip on her drinking, if that's possible, or quit. It's one thing when you're young and carefree and quite another 20 years later as it destroys your life little by little.


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## CuriousC (May 7, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I hope she at some point realizes she needs to either get a grip on her drinking, if that's possible, or quit. It's one thing when you're young and carefree and quite another 20 years later as it destroys your life little by little.


I agree. I think this bothers me quite a lot. She knows I’m not into drinking anymore and I’m not necessarily against her having a drink . But it’s the affect that it has on her that she doesn’t realise. She tired after it, obviously not interested in going for a walk together etc ,less interest in sex or flirting together . Her social life is her friends and certainly not me. I’m not a priority or at least I don’t feel like I am. I’m an open book really - she knows what I want. What she wants - I don’t really understand. Spending time together is not it, sex or spending time on foreplay/ sex is not it, doing lots of stuff with the kids is not it(don’t get me wrong we both do our duties etc but I’m the one who mostly does playgrounds/ kicks football/ brings dog and kids for walk. Really I don’t know which way to turn now. Physically I’m losing attraction to her. She went to Dubai with friends again two months back - of course went on a diet for a week etc but she doesn’t care outwardly about her weight when back home. You know I’m not looking for a supermodel but just a little give and take / friendship/ more active sex life . 
anyway I suppose it’ll play out. I just don’t feel like talking again about everything. I’m just going to think for a while


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## CuriousC (May 7, 2020)

SunCMars said:


> She is a candidate for _Alcoholics Anonymous_; and for treatment for her likely underlying depression.
> 
> It not that, she is a candidate to be that sad looking pickle seen in the bar's vinegar bottle.


Honestly drink is put up on a pedestal in her and her friends life! Yes I drank in younger years but when kids came along I just decided it’s not worth it!!! If it was an odd drink over dinner etc then grand but routinely every week on 1 night she’ll have a bottle of wine. She may drink a 2nd night - but when she goes out for a night - she doesn’t know when to stop - wine / gin in plentiful amounts . Hangover etc etc


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

CuriousC said:


> I agree. I think this bothers me quite a lot. She knows I’m not into drinking anymore and I’m not necessarily against her having a drink . But it’s the affect that it has on her that she doesn’t realise. She tired after it, obviously not interested in going for a walk together etc ,less interest in sex or flirting together . Her social life is her friends and certainly not me. I’m not a priority or at least I don’t feel like I am. I’m an open book really - she knows what I want. What she wants - I don’t really understand. Spending time together is not it, sex or spending time on foreplay/ sex is not it, doing lots of stuff with the kids is not it(don’t get me wrong we both do our duties etc but I’m the one who mostly does playgrounds/ kicks football/ brings dog and kids for walk. Really I don’t know which way to turn now. Physically I’m losing attraction to her. She went to Dubai with friends again two months back - of course went on a diet for a week etc but she doesn’t care outwardly about her weight when back home. You know I’m not looking for a supermodel but just a little give and take / friendship/ more active sex life .
> anyway I suppose it’ll play out. I just don’t feel like talking again about everything. I’m just going to think for a while


The problem with alcoholics or any other addict is they have to be the one to decide to stop and they usually Let it go way too long and run their life into the ground before they decide that if they ever decide it. 


Without nagging I think I would nicely ask her to pick up the slack with the kids and take turns with you doing that stuff. Tell them they miss spending time with her or some such BS but get her back on that track if you can because that is a shared responsibility and if you just let her out of it, that's just leaving her more free time to drink.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

CuriousC said:


> I agree. I think this bothers me quite a lot. She knows I’m not into drinking anymore and I’m not necessarily against her having a drink . But it’s the affect that it has on her that she doesn’t realise. She tired after it, obviously not interested in going for a walk together etc ,less interest in sex or flirting together . Her social life is her friends and certainly not me. I’m not a priority or at least I don’t feel like I am. I’m an open book really - she knows what I want. What she wants - I don’t really understand. Spending time together is not it, sex or spending time on foreplay/ sex is not it, doing lots of stuff with the kids is not it(don’t get me wrong we both do our duties etc but I’m the one who mostly does playgrounds/ kicks football/ brings dog and kids for walk. Really I don’t know which way to turn now. Physically I’m losing attraction to her. She went to Dubai with friends again two months back - of course went on a diet for a week etc but she doesn’t care outwardly about her weight when back home. You know I’m not looking for a supermodel but just a little give and take / friendship/ more active sex life .
> anyway I suppose it’ll play out. I just don’t feel like talking again about everything. I’m just going to think for a while


Not sure you’re getting it. Because you don’t drink, there is no drinking/sex connection. She feels, rightfully so, judged. As she should be. But when she’s with friends who also drink, and men who drink, pretty good guess that sexual feelings are quite different from when she’s with you.

I think you’ve adapted and tolerated way too much. Letting your wife go to Dubai to get drunk with friends? You can’t forbid that, but you can forbid it within your marriage.


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## CuriousC (May 7, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> Not sure you’re getting it. Because you don’t drink, there is no drinking/sex connection. She feels, rightfully so, judged. As she should be. But when she’s with friends who also drink, and men who drink, pretty good guess that sexual feelings are quite different from when she’s with you.
> 
> I think you’ve adapted and tolerated way too much. Letting your wife go to Dubai to get drunk with friends? You can’t forbid that, but you can forbid it within your marriage.


Oh !!! I see your point. Never thought of it like this. I’m still not sure though that she’s with others. At home she may drink in the house every week but she’s not out with friends every week and if she does go out then it’s local and a small town. I do think you’re right with drink/sex connection though. I’m sure if I was out drinking or staying up drinking with her that she’d probably be more up for it in fact in hindsight I’d say that’s true. But thats not me anymore- I see more to life than that. Dubai thing - yeah it’s bothered me in the past but I’ve got to believe in marriage/ trust etc but the part that’s more annoying me is that she’ll never ask me to go somewhere abroad etc I think the feeling of not feeling wanted even though she’ll tell me it’s not the case . I bet if I was more fun in terms of drinking/ partying then my problems would be less 🤫 but as I’ve said I’m passed that phase of my life


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

CuriousC said:


> Oh !!! I see your point. Never thought of it like this. I’m still not sure though that she’s with others. At home she may drink in the house every week but she’s not out with friends every week and if she does go out then it’s local and a small town. I do think you’re right with drink/sex connection though. I’m sure if I was out drinking or staying up drinking with her that she’d probably be more up for it in fact in hindsight I’d say that’s true. But thats not me anymore- I see more to life than that. Dubai thing - yeah it’s bothered me in the past but I’ve got to believe in marriage/ trust etc but the part that’s more annoying me is that she’ll never ask me to go somewhere abroad etc I think the feeling of not feeling wanted even though she’ll tell me it’s not the case . I bet if I was more fun in terms of drinking/ partying then my problems would be less 🤫 but as I’ve said I’m passed that phase of my life


You’ve been not dealing with this for over a year, looking at your older posts. Why is “now” going to be any different? What do you expect to learn from your recent posts?


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## CuriousC (May 7, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> You’ve been not dealing with this for over a year, looking at your older posts. Why is “now” going to be any different? What do you expect to learn from your recent posts?





Casual Observer said:


> You’ve been not dealing with this for over a year, looking at your older posts. Why is “now” going to be any different? What do you expect to learn from your recent posts?


Yes. I’ve not been dealing with it.
It’s not an easy decision as I’ve everything to lose. But I do know now that I also can’t continue with this in its current form and I’m not going to accept it anymore.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

CuriousC said:


> Get your point - I don’t know but I just don’t feel she’d do that as she’s not really very forward when it comes to sex etc in our life. But I could be miles off the mark


There is a post when the wife was not sexual for about 15 years. She was with holding sex on purpose because she was mad at her husband. Then she had wild sex with someone she met and cheated with him for about 3 months.

Your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to with someone else.

She could have know you wanted to be intimate after the concert. Could be why she got plastered. No need for excuses.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

CuriousC said:


> Get your point - I don’t know but I just don’t feel she’d do that as she’s not really very forward when it comes to sex etc in our life. But I could be miles off the mark


You don't really know how she is drunk at a bar with guys looking for hookups and GF agging her on.


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## CuriousC (May 7, 2020)

ABHale said:


> There is a post when the wife was not sexual for about 15 years. She was with holding sex on purpose because she was mad at her husband. Then she had wild sex with someone she met and cheated with him for about 3 months.
> 
> Your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to with someone else.
> 
> She could have know you wanted to be intimate after the concert. Could be why she got plastered. No need for excuses.


Being honest - I’m not sure this is the case! She just doesn’t prioritise sex. Her friends are all married bar one and this is the girl they meet up .


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## CuriousC (May 7, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> You don't really know how she is drunk at a bar with guys looking for hookups and GF agging her on.


Again I’m not sure. I actually trust her to be honest. It’s just this drinking carry on/ the aftermath of it/ being embarrassed by it/ lack of prioritisation for us time (both as friends and lovers ).


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## CuriousC (May 7, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> The problem with alcoholics or any other addict is they have to be the one to decide to stop and they usually Let it go way too long and run their life into the ground before they decide that if they ever decide it.
> 
> 
> Without nagging I think I would nicely ask her to pick up the slack with the kids and take turns with you doing that stuff. Tell them they miss spending time with her or some such BS but get her back on that track if you can because that is a shared responsibility and if you just let her out of it, that's just leaving her more free time to drink.


Thanks for reply. Is she an alcoholic- I’m not sure but she definitely does like drinking and when out she has little control. In terms of housework / minding kids etc we are equal. In terms of doing active stuff with kids it’s mostly me


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

People with drinking problems rarely only have drinking problems. The impulsiveness and irresponsibility and lack of self control etc carries over into many other parts of their lives as well. 

Then add to that the fact that alcohol lowers inhibitions and impairs people’s actual cognitive ability even if they are not acutely intoxicated at that time.

In other words regular alcohol consumption impairs people’s ability to think and reason and process information and make sound, responsible decisions 24/7 even if they aren’t drunk at that time.

You are being very naive, codependent and enabling here. 

If you are thinking that she is not behaving irresponsibly and impulsively and inappropriately, you are mistaken.

You’re also most likely very mistaken that she is not engaging in sexually inappropriate behavior will other men while she is out drinking and partying it up. 

I think we can all pretty much guarantee you that if you were to have someone follow her and get actual footage of her activities, you will not like what you see.

She is sexually unresponsive and uninterested with YOU. That does not mean she isn’t engaging in various activities with other men. 

It’s time you woke up and opened your eyes to some harsh realities.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

CuriousC said:


> Thanks for reply. Is she an alcoholic- I’m not sure but she definitely does like drinking and when out she has little control. In terms of housework / minding kids etc we are equal. In terms of doing active stuff with kids it’s mostly me


Alcoholics can even be weekend alcoholics. The determining factor is if they choose substances or any other addiction over everything else, even though it leads to the disintegration of their family and employment and general wellbeing. 

And those people who choose to drink even though it changes their personality for the worse really just need to be booted.


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## CuriousC (May 7, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> People with drinking problems rarely only have drinking problems. The impulsiveness and irresponsibility and lack of self control etc carries over into many other parts of their lives as well.
> 
> Then add to that the fact that alcohol lowers inhibitions and impairs people’s actual cognitive ability even if they are not acutely intoxicated at that time.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the feedback


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## CuriousC (May 7, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Alcoholics can even be weekend alcoholics. The determining factor is if they choose substances or any other addiction over everything else, even though it leads to the disintegration of their family and employment and general wellbeing.
> 
> And those people who choose to drink even though it changes their personality for the worse really just need to be booted.


Thanks for your comments. I think you are right about the addiction even though it may just be a weekend one


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

CuriousC said:


> Thanks for your comments. I think you are right about the addiction even though it may just be a weekend one


Maybe she'll outgrow it, but that could depend on if she's anesthetizing pain, which is why a lot of addicts keep doing it and prioritize it. If she's still young, she might outgrow it.


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## CuriousC (May 7, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Maybe she'll outgrow it, but that could depend on if she's anesthetizing pain, which is why a lot of addicts keep doing it and prioritize it. If she's still young, she might outgrow it.


Mid 40’s so not likely. As I mentioned drink is revered almost ! Honestly I don’t get it. Not against a pint or a glass of wine every now and then but weekly is not for me. See all her friends like drinking too even though some of her friends parents have been in rehab for it yet people don’t seem to learn


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

CuriousC said:


> Mid 40’s so not likely. As I mentioned drink is revered almost ! Honestly I don’t get it. Not against a pint or a glass of wine every now and then but weekly is not for me. See all her friends like drinking too even though some of her friends parents have been in rehab for it yet people don’t seem to learn


She will likely just get worse as she ages.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

CuriousC said:


> Mid 40’s so not likely. As I mentioned drink is revered almost ! Honestly I don’t get it. Not against a pint or a glass of wine every now and then but weekly is not for me. See all her friends like drinking too even though some of her friends parents have been in rehab for it yet people don’t seem to learn


Your wife, and her friends... don't you get it? You see it, but don't get it. They should learn, the examples are there, and yet... they continue. If that's not the definition of addiction, what is? Your wife can't get loose with you. She finds her freedom in a bottle. In a healthy relationship, spouses turn inward, towards each other, for support and validation. Even that, to excess, can be an addiction. You are losing your wife. You likely already lost her. She is a full-fledged alcoholic, unable or unwilling to control her desire to get loose, to become a different person and shed marital boundaries. She has a support group of friends who will circle the drain together.

And you think your kids are blind to this? You think they can escape the same fate because? Your tolerance is just nuts. You are responsible for what happens to your kids. She could be well on her way to becoming a functioning alcoholic, driving while drinking, putting the lives of your family at risk. 

This is not just about your wife's irresponsibility. It's about yours.


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## CuriousC (May 7, 2020)

Hey all
So it’s a couple of months since I posted. We’re actually attending relationship/ sex counselling. Only 2 sessions down so nothing of worth to talk about there yet. About to head off on a holiday for 2 weeks which I’m looking forward to the break on one side but on the other side of things I’m concerned. I’m just finding the relationship hard. The fun and connection is gone for now. Inside I feel a bit empty and resentful. I feel I’ve walked the extra yards to make this work, communicated my needs in terms of connecting as a couple and sexually but nothing changes. I suppose I’ll just have to be patient and see how the counselling goes. Just have no clue how long the counselling will go on for and what can I expect. Will it change things? Have others been through the process and came out better from it. Thanks


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## CuriousC (May 7, 2020)

*Update*
So another month on. Holiday is over. It didn’t go great to be honest. 1st couple of days were good. On the 2nd night I actually felt fulfilled sexually for the first time in I don’t know how long. She showed interest and was up for it and it was good. I thought this might be a catalyst for having a bit more fun! But the next night her snoring was v loud. I tried to turn her on her side a couple of times. Anyway I got v little sleep. This snoring has been going on a while . I mentioned as subtly as I could to her a while back to checked out by a doc maybe but she hasn’t bothered. Anyway next morning she was cold with me. I didn’t sleep great - got very few hours but I was on holidays so best foot forward. She asked how I slept and I told her v bad but she didn’t react after that and she didn’t seem to care - there was no empathy or friendly cuddle or anything. Being honest I felt annoyed about this. Anyway next night she said she’ll go sleep in the other room - I said fine but this continued for the rest of the 9 nights on holiday ! Quick peck on the cheek each night and a good night message and that was it! Anyway I just got on with the holiday but deep down I felt pretty crap if I’m honest. Since we’re home we’ve both had a one on one separately with therapist. I opened up completely with therapist maybe she did too I don’t know. We’ve continued sleeping separately partly due to snoring . I really don’t know where to go from here. We meet therapist again on Tuesday but I’m concerned about it. Is there anything worth fighting for ! This certainly doesn’t feel like love and if I’m honest it feels very awkward


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Sounds like she's checked out. Sorry to hear you haven't really made much progress. It sucks. Is she still drinking a lot?


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## CuriousC (May 7, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> Sounds like she's checked out. Sorry to hear you haven't really made much progress. It sucks. Is she still drinking a lot?


Week on week drinking has subsided somewhat. She’ll still go on the odd bender with her friends.
Suppose I’ll just have to see how counselling goes. I’m not holding out much hope. Her back has been bad now for about 6 weeks too. Again this comes back to her inactivity in general. Sitting all day in work and again at night has finally caught up. I think I’ve came to the realisation though that things have to change . I won’t accept no change. I’m ain’t perfect but I want to live life to the full and with an enthusiastic/energetic partner and at present I don’t have that partner. Most likely this will come up with counsellor when we chat next week.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

CuriousC said:


> She seems to have given up on looking after her body over the past couple of years.





CuriousC said:


> The fun and connection is gone for now.





CuriousC said:


> *Is there anything worth fighting for !* This certainly doesn’t feel like love and if I’m honest it feels very awkward


I am gathering from the snoring that she is overweight? COPD? And so now both of you are fine with sleeping in separate bedrooms which will definitely not help your sex life. And you didn't have much of one to begin with.

Your first thread was 15 months ago about these problems with your wife. Have you made any progress? It actually sounds like the answer is no. Except now you are shelling out big bucks for counseling. To me it seems you are fighting this war alone. And honestly don't see anything worth the fight.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

CuriousC said:


> Week on week drinking has subsided somewhat. She’ll still go on the odd bender with her friends.
> Suppose I’ll just have to see how counselling goes. I’m not holding out much hope. Her back has been bad now for about 6 weeks too. Again this comes back to her inactivity in general. Sitting all day in work and again at night has finally caught up. I think I’ve came to the realisation though that things have to change . I won’t accept no change. I’m ain’t perfect but I want to live life to the full and with an enthusiastic/energetic partner and at present I don’t have that partner. Most likely this will come up with counsellor when we chat next week.


Yes, carry on with therapy first. Good luck!


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

So, I'm relatively new here. I didn't see your whole story, just the last few months. I'm not going to make conjecture of infidelity or not. I will however, suggest that you find and attend an alanon meeting near you. This can help you to cope with her and accept certain truths about those who drink in a family. Has she been seen about having sleep apnea? Maybe a deviated septum? May be the cause of the snoring. If it were me, I don't see how to accept sleeping separate. My wife and I would lock horns quickly on this. We are a couple by choice. Is sleeping seperate, then time to live life seperate. This make sense? Either she hears you or doesn't care. Best wishes.


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## CuriousC (May 7, 2020)

Thanks for replys. Not much progress and probably gone backwards.
Snoring- it’s up to her to do something but she hasn’t looked into it. She has put on weight- about 1 stone .


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## CuriousC (May 7, 2020)

*Update*

So another month has gone by. We’ve our 7th therapy session on Tuesday. Don’t know if we’re getting anywhere.We’ve been giving homework - following PAIRS daily temperature check. Letter 3 this week. It’s all a bit slow. We’re talking but that’s never really being a problem.
I just don’t know where I’m at in my head. The longer it goes on of being apart and not being intimate etc , the harder it seems to resolve anything. My interest is waning and it’s hard to stop it. My kids and being so busy with them is keeping me going.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

The problem is that you have chosen “wait and see” for years on end already. Get off your azz already for god sakes. She will never love you the way you need ……. PERIOD. 

Dang dude ….Ray Charles can see that.


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## GoodDad5 (9 mo ago)

CuriousC said:


> *Update*
> 
> So another month has gone by. We’ve our 7th therapy session on Tuesday. Don’t know if we’re getting anywhere.We’ve been giving homework - following PAIRS daily temperature check. Letter 3 this week. It’s all a bit slow. We’re talking but that’s never really being a problem.
> I just don’t know where I’m at in my head. The longer it goes on of being apart and not being intimate etc , the harder it seems to resolve anything. My interest is waning and it’s hard to stop it. My kids and being so busy with them is keeping me going.


I can relate to your situation. I’ve come to the conclusion that my wife and I just aren’t sexually matched and there’s nothing that will fix this other than we split. She’s incapable of meeting my sexual needs and it’s not her fault; she’s just not like that, not into what I like. Her personality isn’t like that. Like you, my kids are what help keep me going. Once they are grown and on their own this will most likely be a different story for us.


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## CuriousC (May 7, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> The problem is that you have chosen “wait and see” for years on end already. Get off your azz already for god sakes. She will never love you the way you need ……. PERIOD.
> 
> Dang dude ….Ray Charles can see that.


Thanks for your opinion.


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## CuriousC (May 7, 2020)

GoodDad5 said:


> I can relate to your situation. I’ve come to the conclusion that my wife and I just aren’t sexually matched and there’s nothing that will fix this other than we split. She’s incapable of meeting my sexual needs and it’s not her fault; she’s just not like that, not into what I like. Her personality isn’t like that. Like you, my kids are what help keep me going. Once they are grown and on their own this will most likely be a different story for us.


Sorry to hear that. For some it’s easy to wash your hands of a marriage and move on. In my country most generally try keep things together. I appreciate though different cultures haven’t different ways of handling things. I’m going to see the marriage counselling through and hope for a breakthrough. I wish you luck in your efforts too


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

CuriousC said:


> Sorry to hear that. For some it’s easy to wash your hands of a marriage and move on. In my country most generally try keep things together. I appreciate though different cultures haven’t different ways of handling things. I’m going to see the marriage counselling through and hope for a breakthrough. I wish you luck in your efforts too


You need to look at this a bit differently, in a way that removes whatever cultural context there might be. Stop making excuses for her. She is not meeting you where you are. She is seeing things entirely from her perspective. Your marriage has, so far, trained her to believe that's ok. On your part, I certainly hope you don't see things that way. Have you figured out what she enjoys doing, what keeps her going, what's special to HER, and met her there, where SHE is? Because that's what we're asking her to do for you. It could be that you're both a bit too much involved in yourselves.

I have something I call the 5-second rule. I learned some time ago that, if I saw something that needed to be done, it was really easy to find ways to talk myself out of it. Put it off. Rationalize not doing it. But if you see something and just do it, within 5 seconds, none of those reasons not to do something come to mind. You just do it and feel good about getting something done. Try that for things your wife would appreciate. Anticipate her needs. If you expect her to become the wife you wish she was, then you ought to make sure you're the husband she wishes you were.

And then, assuming you can buy into the 5 second rule and see positive results (you actually enjoy doing things, no resentment), talk with her. Find out what keeps her from something like that. What holds her back. I can guarantee you this isn't an easy fix; you'll end up in therapy trying to work things out, for sure. But at least, if things fail, you know you did your part, you succeeded at building a better version of yourself, a version that finds happiness figuring out what someone else needs, what they appreciate.

This runs really counter to conventional TAM thinking. The normal conversation here is to just cut her off if she doesn't see things your way. That doing things for her enables her to continue thinking and acting the way she does. Obviously I don't buy into that. And by the way, I am not yet a success story in this regard. But at least three+ years of therapy and we're understanding there are some deep-seated issues in her past that she hid, even from herself, but never let go of. Lack of sexuality was a symptom, not a cause.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You stay because you want to. Until that changes it’ll stay the same.


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## CuriousC (May 7, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> You need to look at this a bit differently, in a way that removes whatever cultural context there might be. Stop making excuses for her. She is not meeting you where you are. She is seeing things entirely from her perspective. Your marriage has, so far, trained her to believe that's ok. On your part, I certainly hope you don't see things that way. Have you figured out what she enjoys doing, what keeps her going, what's special to HER, and met her there, where SHE is? Because that's what we're asking her to do for you. It could be that you're both a bit too much involved in yourselves.
> 
> I have something I call the 5-second rule. I learned some time ago that, if I saw something that needed to be done, it was really easy to find ways to talk myself out of it. Put it off. Rationalize not doing it. But if you see something and just do it, within 5 seconds, none of those reasons not to do something come to mind. You just do it and feel good about getting something done. Try that for things your wife would appreciate. Anticipate her needs. If you expect her to become the wife you wish she was, then you ought to make sure you're the husband she wishes you were.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your input. We are in therapy at present. We’re learning techniques that’ll hopefully help us both understand each other better.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

At some point you have to be willing to pull the plug. She's not getting it, OR, she doesn't think you mean it.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

CuriousC said:


> Sorry to hear that. For some it’s easy to wash your hands of a marriage and move on. In my country most generally try keep things together. I appreciate though different cultures haven’t different ways of handling things. I’m going to see the marriage counselling through and hope for a breakthrough. I wish you luck in your efforts too


As you continue to pin your hopes on...hope, those who enact change take action. 

Hope less...talk less...and do more. 

And ALL of that starts with you having honest communication about what isn't working for you.



Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You could always just wait and see. That seems to be working out great (sarcasm)


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

CuriousC said:


> Thanks for your input. We are in therapy at present. We’re learning techniques that’ll hopefully help us both understand each other better.


Good luck. When my wife and I were reconciling our sex starved marriage with a marriage counselor and sex therapist I was told to expect at least a month of therapy for each year of problems in the marriage.

Also if your marriage counselor is professional, ask them if you are making good progress or not and how long such sessions typically take until you know where the two of you are reconciled or you know it is not likely to happen. 

An important thing in my marriage was visualizing the future of our marriage in 5, 10, 15, 20 years. What were we going to do in retirement together to "live happily ever after?" If you can start visualizing "happily ever after" and how that will change in the future, you can start being motivated to move in that direction. Ask your counselor if visualization of your future in a happy marriage might help.

You might also discuss in some of your counseling sessions your commitment to making the marriage work and your wife's commitment to making the marriage work.

P.S. if the snoring bothers you, get some ear plugs. Keep her in the marriage bed.

Good luck.


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## CuriousC (May 7, 2020)

Hey folks.
Quick update of where we are at.
So approximately 15 marriage sessions later and we’re doing really well. We’ve implementing PAIRS daily temperature reading which has really helped with our communication. We always communicated but delivery of communication was sometimes lacking/ not good. 
My wife has started exercising again 3 times a week in the gym and she’s enjoying it.
On the sexual side things have really improved too. We were introduced to a different way of viewing sex. Most of us approach it linearly ( cuddle, kiss, foreplay, sex, end) but we were encouraged to create a circular menu as such. In this circle we added all the things we like/interested in doing and basically that becomes our menu. Some of these items don’t lead to orgasm but can if wanted on a night In question. The reason this helped was my wife didn’t see this. She felt sex always had to be linear with an ending. In our case, at present (and in the past) , she’s struggled with uti’s so she was obviously reluctant in doing something that ultimately might cause her future pain.
Anyway since we had this eureka moment, we are doing really well. She’s so much more interested and responsive. Yes we have continued work to do and we can’t become complacent but we’re both so much happier 
Thanks


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

CuriousC said:


> Mid 40’s so not likely. As I mentioned drink is revered almost ! Honestly I don’t get it. Not against a pint or a glass of wine every now and then but weekly is not for me. See all her friends like drinking too even though some of her friends parents have been in rehab for it yet people don’t seem to learn


Id say the majority of people I know drink at least once of a weekend.

I don’t think it’s an addiction. More to wind down after the working week.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

CuriousC said:


> Hey folks.
> Quick update of where we are at.
> So approximately 15 marriage sessions later and we’re doing really well. We’ve implementing PAIRS daily temperature reading which has really helped with our communication. We always communicated but delivery of communication was sometimes lacking/ not good.
> My wife has started exercising again 3 times a week in the gym and she’s enjoying it.
> ...


On those UTI's.

I will give my opinion, and please do not take it as a criticism.
I enjoy facts.


Female UTI's are a common problem, from what I've read.

The incidence can be lessened by taking soapy showers, immediately, before and after love making.
Rinse well.

Our skin harbors all sorts of germs, our mouths, even more.

Douching, for ladies is no longer recommended, as that kills off those natural immune factors.

The shower, brushing teeth, and gargling with strong mouth wash, may help.

If nothing else, maybe wearing a condom while in the arena, might help.

Just Sayin'


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## CuriousC (May 7, 2020)

BIL310 said:


> Id say the majority of people I know drink at least once of a weekend.
> 
> I don’t think it’s an addiction. More to wind down after the working week.


Sure - but drinking to the point where you can’t walk isn’t something that’s normal. Thankfully we’ve worked through this


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## CuriousC (May 7, 2020)

SunCMars said:


> On those UTI's.
> 
> I will give my opinion, and please do not take it as a criticism.
> I enjoy facts.
> ...


Thanks. She has tried a lot of things and yes we’ve did the showering before and after etc. condoms we’ve also tried. I think psychologically she is damaged due to the utis - we will get back on the horse as things are improving now but just have to wait and in the meantime enjoy other things


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

CuriousC said:


> Thanks. She has tried a lot of things and yes we’ve did the showering before and after etc. condoms we’ve also tried. I think psychologically she is damaged due to the utis - we will get back on the horse as things are improving now but just have to wait and in the meantime enjoy other things


Also does she urinate immediately after sex.


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