# Cause for Concern? More Manning up Needed?



## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

Since I've begun my journey to being more Alpha and an overall better husband, I've noticed changes. The first two weeks were grand. Our kisses were more passionate, we connected and overall things were great.

Now I know things won't always be that way. I was very ill last week and my wife got the sickness this week, so things are down while we recover. Kisses are quick and we're not the same as the prior weeks, which is understandable. 

My wife has been going out with her girlfriends lately, something that up until about 8 months ago, she didn't do a lot of, for various reasons. I am glad that she is going out, because she deserves time with her friends. 

In a couple of weeks, she is spending her day off with a girlfriend at a beach. No big deal, except I've been trying to get her to go to a beach for a couple of years. She doesn't like the sand, especially after shaving. Now she tells me she'll be in a chair all day near a beach bar/restaurant, but it's the principal of the thing. She's mentioned going for a day with our kids, and when I brought that up, she's said "well they're gonna need things, they'll want snacks, they'll want to move around". I get the need to relax, and I mentioned just us going for a day, which she was amenable to. 

This has happened with other things. Her girlfriends are talking about going on a weekend trip somewhere. I've mentioned that in the past and she tells me money's an issue. 

I want her to go out and have fun with her friends; we all need that. But I can't help but be concerned that things I mention she's hesitant about but not when the girls discuss it. Now granted, more often than not the girl talk is just that, but again it's the principal. 

I do want to say that I am taking her to NYC next weekend. I got some extra money and it's been a while since we've been there. But that's going to be a case of telling her Saturday, "get dressed in something casual, we've got places to be".

Do I have a right to be concerned or do I need to man up more?


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

Anyone?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

what are you concerned about? cheating?


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

Hicks,

I'm wondering if I should be concerned that she's willing to do things with her girls (go to the beach) that she's hesitant or unwilling to do with me.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sounds like a version of the "I'm more important than you" game.


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Sounds like a version of the "I'm more important than you" game.


How does that game work and how do I change it?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

jbird669 said:


> How does that game work and how do I change it?


When she tells you these things - and I mean the excuses about why she "can't" do these things with you - your response is simple.

You give her the defective spouse look.

And, calmly, you say, "Why do you think I'd be ok with that?"

And when she starts stammering out an answer, your body language goes into shut-down and you clearly don't accept her rationalizations.

If she persists with these activities, you turn on the emotional air conditioner.


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

Conrad,

Thanks! I will try that out.


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

Anyone else have any thoughts?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I don't really agree with that advice. You can't man up with nothing of benefit behind the manning up. You cannot force your wife to "want" to go to the beach with you instead of your friend. I'd be giving serious thought to why she'd rather go with her friend then with you. What does she get out of it? What does she get out of going with you? You should not have had to ask why she would prefer going with her friends than her kids.

It seems like this need to go to the beach with you instead of her friend is a big insecurity and will show to her as just that.

But, if you want to go to the beach with your wife, then don't ask her if she wants to go. Just plan it and take her. If she refuses, go by yourself.


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

Hicks,

I see where you're coming from and that makes sense. I think part of all of this is coming from the fact that up until 8 months ago, she really didn't go out with her friends that much. So she's making up for lost time. Her friend suggested the beach, they were just going to do something else.

My concern is replacing me with her friends on fun events. I was wondering if that was legit and if I need to man up more to prevent it.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

JBird,

As part of the emotional air conditioner, you could/should schedule a beach day with you and the kids and friends with their kids.

Let your wife know you did it.





jbird669 said:


> Hicks,
> 
> I see where you're coming from and that makes sense. I think part of all of this is coming from the fact that up until 8 months ago, she really didn't go out with her friends that much. So she's making up for lost time. Her friend suggested the beach, they were just going to do something else.
> 
> My concern is replacing me with her friends on fun events. I was wondering if that was legit and if I need to man up more to prevent it.


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## bill2011 (Feb 5, 2011)

I've been through the same, Me and my wife used to play certain board games together once in a while. She once told me she doesn't like them anymore so we stopped doing it. She now goes to her friends house to play those same board games. So I just had to ask and I got but that's all my friend likes to play even though she doesn't like it. It was at that moment that I realized I was no longer important to her. It was one of the saddest days in my life. But I'm manning up now and going on with my life with or without her. Sad thing even if things get better between us I'm not sure I will ever feel the same again.

Good luck.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

It is "reality" that she'd rather go with her friends than with you. Manning up does not change reality. Manning up to me is you deciding to go to the beach and going with or without her. Stopping her from going is playing a jealous weak role. Also, it's not unreasonable and works to your benefit for her to have a day of fun with girl friends.


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## bill2011 (Feb 5, 2011)

I agree, I made the mistake of complaining about it which just makes you seem sensitive and weak so it does no good. It was just a real eye opener as to the status of the relationship. Now if I want to do something I just do it, she's always invited but it won't stop me if she says no.

My W hates the beach, but my kids have never been to one yet so I plan on taking them soon with or without.


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

I would not stop her from going. Everyone needs time with their friends and I wouldn't keep her from doing it. It's not like I can control what she does anyway. But she lets me know what's going on, where she's going etc. 

I joked with her at dinner "So you'll brave the sand with <friend> but not me?" She said "I'll be in a chair by the bar. No sand!" 

Perhaps that comes across as passive aggressive. I would've been upset in the past but not now. It was a joke. I think I ought to stop those things as she still sometimes doesn't know if I'm joking or mad. I have to be more conscious of that. 

Later I told her that I appreciated her letting me know this was happening. I mentioned going with the kids and she gave me the answer from my first post. I dropped it then. 

So bill2011, you think I'm no longer important to her? Funny, I don't feel that upset. Maybe I should, but I don't. 

I will make plans to go to the beach. I hope she goes.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

> I joked with her at dinner "So you'll brave the sand with <friend> but not me?" She said "I'll be in a chair by the bar. No sand!"


that is a good way to handle it actually.. if you half jokingly point out how silly something seems then maybe it will start to feel silly to her too.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

jbird669 said:


> I joked with her at dinner "So you'll brave the sand with <friend> but not me?" She said "I'll be in a chair by the bar. No sand!"


Very wimpy.

A better approach.


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

Hicks,

Thanks for the advice. You think I ought to say that to her tonight? Or has the time passed?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

jbird669 said:


> Hicks,
> 
> Thanks for the advice. You think I ought to say that to her tonight? Or has the time passed?


I like Hicks' approach here, but I think less is more.

"How would you feel if I turned you down for something you wanted and later scheduled it with my friends?"


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

Conrad,

That's also good. Should I say it tonight, even though we discussed yesterday?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Absolutely.

In a calm firm tone. No escalation.




jbird669 said:


> Conrad,
> 
> That's also good. Should I say it tonight, even though we discussed yesterday?


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## bill2011 (Feb 5, 2011)

Jbird,

If you don't feel that way then great, it is not supposed to bother us, but yet it does sometimes, you would not have mentioned it otherwise. When your W is willing to do something she does not like with her friends rather than with you at that point in time her needs are more important than yours. I found the best course of action is still do the things you want to do, if she wants to join great, if not do it without her.


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

Bill2011,

Thanks for replying. Do you find that over time, there's a change by doing this?


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## bill2011 (Feb 5, 2011)

Yes, for some things which I waited on her for never happened. So since I did it anyway she decided to join in. Either way I'm doing it


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

Thanks Bill. 

Did you notice that your needs started becoming as big a priority as yours once you did these things, with our without her?


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## bill2011 (Feb 5, 2011)

Not yet, but the most important thing is it doesn't stop me from doing the things I want to do.


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

Bill that's great to know. I feel better already! 

Part of my problem has been turning aside things in the hopes she'll be in the mood. Or I didn't do it because she didn't want to and I felt we had to do everything together. I don't need to do that. I hope she joins me, but if not, I'm still going to do what I want.


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## bill2011 (Feb 5, 2011)

Exactly, I made the same mistakes, waited on things hoping we would do it together but never came to be. It's funny how when you do them she probably will join in anyway.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Quit treating her like she's a man.

Fewer words, more body language. Be around less. Read MEM's thermostat threads.

You're not going to "logic" her into your view. So, appeals - emotional or otherwise - only appear needy and weak.

Make stuff happen so she views you as interesting again.

I can testify that will generate attractiveness - to her.





jbird669 said:


> Bill that's great to know. I feel better already!
> 
> Part of my problem has been turning aside things in the hopes she'll be in the mood. Or I didn't do it because she didn't want to and I felt we had to do everything together. I don't need to do that. I hope she joins me, but if not, I'm still going to do what I want.


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

Conrad,

I've read the thermostat threads and I've realized I'm the higher temp. I've been reading Calle Zorro and MMSL and I realize I have to back off. Some of this has me confused. Both Calle and MMSL discuss connecting, but being more Alpha and like you said, be around less. But if I am around less, how does that allow us to connect more? 

Got any examples of making stuff happen? Or do you mean planning things, tell her she can come, and go whether or nor she does?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Make your life interesting. It will draw her.

This is about changing the dynamic between both of you.

Remember how it was when you dated? You set things up and planned things. Busy guy. She was drawn to you.

If the basic attraction is still there, it will work again.




jbird669 said:


> Conrad,
> 
> I've read the thermostat threads and I've realized I'm the higher temp. I've been reading Calle Zorro and MMSL and I realize I have to back off. Some of this has me confused. Both Calle and MMSL discuss connecting, but being more Alpha and like you said, be around less. But if I am around less, how does that allow us to connect more?
> 
> Got any examples of making stuff happen? Or do you mean planning things, tell her she can come, and go whether or nor she does?


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## joelmacdad (Jul 26, 2010)

You have to find some time to do things on your own and on your own with the kids. My wife loves me being around, but she "loves" and "connects" with me more when I mountain bike with friends and my teenage boys, plays disc golf with them, etc. And I rarely ask her if I can do those things. I just check our main calendar and schedule my own activities. I can tell you this turns her on.

Dont worry about what she is doing with her friends for now.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Hicks,
I have a very consistent approach to this exact situation:
- I ask her to go, if she does not want to go "with me"
- I let her know a few days later I have made plans to go with my friend(s)
- If she changes her mind we go another time - I keep my plans with my friends

It is only the "I'm more important than you game" if she has A problem
With you doing to her what she is doing to you.


don't really agree with that advice. You can't man up with nothing of benefit behind the manning up. You cannot force your wife to "want" to go to the beach with you instead of your friend. I'd be giving serious thought to why she'd rather go with her friend then with you. What does she get out of it? What does she get out of going with you? You should not have had to ask why she would prefer going with her friends than her kids.

It seems like this need to go to the beach with you instead of her friend is a big insecurity and will show to her as just that.

But, if you want to go to the beach with your wife, then don't ask her if she wants to go. Just plan it and take her. If she refuses, go by yourself.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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