# Emotional Affair - HELP!



## desparado (Sep 16, 2009)

My wife of 15+ years has been having an emotional affair with an old boyfriend from 25 years ago (high school). They talk 2 hours or more a day and she constantly texts with him. He lives 400 miles away. She now says she is confused and doesn't know exactly what she is feeling. She does want to see a counselor but its more to figure out her feelings than to save our marriage. We have three kids and have had a great marriage. I never saw this coming. I want to forgive, forget and get on with our lives, but she is not committal. Will the counseling help our marriage or will she go to him? She claims these feelings are resurrected feelings from 25 years ago and this is different from emotional affairs between co-workers or recent acquiantances. 

She said she needs space to figure it out but is willing to stay with me as long as I don't corner her about this. She is still talking to him and has said she couldn't give up talking to him if I asked her to. Is there hope for our marriage? 

I am a wreck. I worship this girl, she is my life.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

An EA is an EA but because she has a past with him it was probably easier for her to fall into it. On the positive she has acknowledged and confessed to you her feelings for him. The problem with the LDEA is that she doesn’t spend “real life” with him. She doesn’t see the day to day issues, flaws and faults with him, but she does live with yours. Her fantasy man says all the right things, makes her feel good and fills a void she thinks exists in her relationship with you.

Yes counseling can help but it should be individual as well as couple. You stated your marriage was great but there must be some areas for improvement in it and in yourself. She wants space and unfortunately that’s about all you can do for now. That and work on your behaviors to improve how she perceives you. Be caring and understanding of her but don’t smother her. This will take time for her to sort out and she won’t likely listen to your words much. Don’t attack him, she will draw closer but there should be no physical contact between them.

EAs are difficult to get passed but it can be done. My marriage nearly ended a couple of years ago due to my wife’s EA. But with time we’ve moved passed it are in a greatly improved relationship. You are just at the beginning of this.


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## desparado (Sep 16, 2009)

This is so difficult. I found out how deep this was on Thursday and this is Wednesday. I don't sleep or eat and can think of nothing else. We discussed it last night and she told me I was putting too much pressure on her. I don't want to push her farther away. I have attacked him and have gotten rather heated. I am the victim here. 

Yes we have some issues, such as financial (other guy has $$$) but she claims she is not interested in material goods. She has always been a good wholesome Christian woman. This is so not like her. 

As to the counseling, she is wanting it for her, I'm not sure if I'll be invited to any sessions or not. I feel I need it too, but I guess she needs to discover exactly what these feelings are first before we can work on each other. Am I right?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I think a few sessions on her own would be fine. She needs to get her arms around it. Make sure it is a counselor who is trained for couples counseling. Let your wife know you’ll give her the space but that at some time you need/want to be part of the process. Money likely has little to do with this. Yes you are a victim but she doesn’t see it that way. There are likely issues that you have contributed to. 

I know how you feel. I lost nearly 30 lbs in the 60 days after discovery day. That’s normal, as is the anxiety, sleeplessness and the feeling of loss of control. It gets better. If you are of faith, pray for strength and guidance.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Does she really believe that they are the two same people from 25 years ago? They've both changed so much that this can't truly be reawakened feelings. It is more fantasy than real.

I'd ask her to break contact with this other man while she is going to counseling and to admit that she owes you at least an attempt at trying to repair the marriage. You didn't go through all of this "life" together for this other guy to walk in and just steal it. This other man has no right. He wasn't there.

Also, is this guy single? Does he actually want her? Does she even know?


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## desparado (Sep 16, 2009)

I have asked her to stop talking to him during this time, she said it would only be fair if she moved out away from me at the same time. I don't want that, thats just inviting him to step in.

He has told her he has been in love with her since HS. Been through 2 failed marriages, one only ended last month, after he had been talking with my wife a few months. 

She says he has offered to step back but she won't let him. She admits that. My kids are oblivious so far (all under 13). This will destroy them (and me) if it ruins our marriage.

I know she is just confused. In her heart she knows the right thing but I know now I can't help her with that, I'm too close.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Does she have her own assets?

And really, she chooses to believe a two-time loser when he claims love? What did he tell the girl he was with only a month? Why did his other marriage fail?

I'm sorry but your wife is delusional. She needs to see a shrink who will help her recognize the signs of a manipulative loser who has to dig back 25 years to comfort himself when he can't manage a close-proximity relationship. 

And if he wanted to step back, he would. He doesn't need your wife to do that. He can block her calls and stop accepting her emails. So he's not exactly honorable.

Further, a guy who would steal someone out of a solid marriage would also not fail to cheat when it suited him as he has no respect for marriage or other people. When he gets comforted on your wife (who is a rebound), what do you think he'll do next? Probably look for his next conquest.

Me? I'd tell her to go. If this loser is really what she wants, have at him. I get angry for you just thinking about how stupid and selfish she is being. And this guy, he deserves a smack upside the head.


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## desparado (Sep 16, 2009)

All our assets, what few there are, are shared. I am hopeful a good counselor will help her sort this out. 

I share your thoughts about the guy, if he were truly honorable, this would never have happened. If she chose him, there would be more hurt for her later, of that I am sure.

I know she is just confused. I have known her for 17 years, we shared every thought with each other for most of those years. To our friends, we were role models. Family members have chosen us to take their kids if something were to happen to them. This is not her. I know I have some blame in this, too.

I Love Her still and would forgive, forget and move on immediately if given the chance. But like Amp said, this is going to be a long process and my need for immediate resolution is not going to benefit either of us.

I really would like to know what a counselor will do with this, how they will approach it. I have been pushing for a Christian based counselor but she is the one that is going to pick. Having never been in this situation, I don't know if they will tell her to pursue her fantasy or if they will be family-based and try to steer her back to me. Any insight into this would sure be helpful.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

She needs a dose of reality because the fantasy she is living with is powerful stuff indeed.

Also, he is giving her something you were not, be it attention, romance, excitement, the thrill of doing something forbidden, hope for a different future, something. Escape? A break from boredom and monotony?

A man who truly wants a woman goes after her. He doesn't wait until he's got two failed marriages under his belt to look her up. He doesn't wait until she's married with children to look her up. That's a selfish man who doesn't love anyone but himself. That's not a guy who has been pining away for 25 years.

What a yutz this guy is!

All you want in a counselor at minimum is someone who is pro-marriage and who preferably has been married for a long time.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

desparado said:


> my need for immediate resolution is not going to benefit either of us.


Very wise desparado. Any quick change in direction will probably go against you. She does need to sort her feelings out. While I detest what she has done she too is in turmoil and pain here. Again, it is positive that she recognizes her feelings for him. It took my wife 7 months to recognize what the relationship really was. I too believed (or wanted to believe) it was just a healthy friendship. She tried to end it on a couple of occasions but stubbed her toe there. It wasn’t until a very carefully worded, concerned but firm ultimatum was delivered that it finally ended. She made the right decision and began to concentrate on us. She grieved and even resented me for a time in demanding it end but we’ve made great progress since. Good luck, it can recover but it will likely take all you’ve got. Read the signature lines, I lived by those four words to get me through.


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## desparado (Sep 16, 2009)

I hope I haven't gone to far already. She's still here, thats my plus. Those are good words to live by. I will do whatever it takes because she is worth it. As hard as it is and as hard as it will be.

Did the counselor help your wife sort out her feelings? My girl is putting a lot of stock in this and so am I. She needs an educated third party to help her see whats really going on. She knows that, I just hope the influence of said 3rd party will be enough to get her looking back my way. 

I would like to schedule a date for the two of us this Saturday. Do you think that is too much too quick? I had also purchased "The Love Dare", but felt things are too sticky to start that right now, but maybe they aren't. I don't want to miss a step but I don't want to over do either. Thanks for the great advice so far. I have a lot of support, but no one that has been through this personally. It is helping a lot.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Trying to throw too much romance and “fixing” will likely overwhelm her but play it by ear. If she receptive to a date or more time together then great. If not be sure to spend lots of time with your kids as a couple and family. If she is missing something from you or you have behaviors that need to improve a sustained effort towards those will mean more to her than dates and flowers. In our case the counselor never really dwelled on the EA although she was aware of it. She spent more time on the things we appreciated about each other and our current feelings toward each other. Since my wife didn’t realize her deeper feelings for TOM during or time with the counselor it probably wouldn’t have made much impact because TOM wasn’t the problem in her mind, I was. 

I have heard the love dare is good but haven’t read it. The Five Languages of Love was of great help to me as I finally realized what I wasn’t doing that told my wife I loved her.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

IMO, you should let her go into therapy by herself. That way she realizes the decisions she has arrived at are her own and that you didn't shame her into something.

Join her after a few sessions.


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## desparado (Sep 16, 2009)

I agree with that and it is my plan. 

You guys have been a great help to me today. This morning I was distraught and thought all hope was lost. I have hope and with God's help, patience will see us through.

Any other thoughts from anyone that has gone through or is currently going through this would really help too.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

BTW, be prepared for a therapist to appear to be understanding of your wife's feelings. It may appear that they are really supporting her poor decision-making but they are really just trying to develop a relationship and to make her feel at ease discussing her current state. With time they will discuss all sorts of things that lead her to this place and will attempt to get at why she is where she is and help her figure out where she wants to be. It isn't an instant process, in other words. So show a lot of patience. And, don't bug her to know what they discussed. She'll share when she's ready.


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## desparado (Sep 16, 2009)

Great advice, thanks for that. If you can't tell by my posts, I am very anxious and patience is not a virtue I use a lot.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

In this situation it takes a saint to be patient all of the time, so just do your best. You are under a tremendous amount of stress.

Be sure to take care of yourself -- sleep well, eat well, get exercise and take comfort in your friends. Stay involved in activities. And share your feelings here when you don't feel you can share them elsewhere. Get them out.


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## JAE (Jul 17, 2009)

You are going to question every action she has taken in the past and going forward. You will have EVERY emotion come in waves. I had the most horrible thoughts to most empty feelings and I still have the waves hit me. I still have no idea to think about anything and she is "here" after she had an emotional affair. It has been 2 months since she told me about it and a day hasn't gone by that I haven't thought about it. 

My wife tried to continue to talk with HIM, that will not work. I told her that I couldn't handle it. She chose to be here with me, but even with that she is more distant than ever. 

I swear you would have thought that we were perfect together, but obviously I am an idiot. She means the world to me.

Will it be the same...no. Will I forget about it...no. Will our marriage survive this....I don't know.

This is my experience, probably not much help. My advice is to give it all you can.


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## cea (Sep 13, 2009)

having been in your shoes (i just found out a little over a week ago) i'd say give her as much space as she wants.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
set up counseling. ask her if she'll go with you, if not, go alone. you can't force her to give up this irrational need to connect with a virtual man -- only she can decide to do that.


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## desparado (Sep 16, 2009)

Well, the counselor called last night with a cancellation and the appointment is tonight. My wife talked to her and told me some of what she said, she wanted us both to come for the first session but after my wife told her more details about her issues, the counselor decided she would see just my wife for the first 2 or 3 times. I don't know if thats good or bad.

Heres some more background:
My wife says this is not an emotional affair, its much deeper than something that develops between coworkers or recent acquaintances. When they were together in High School 25 years ago (she was 16), I think they had sex once then, and broke up immediately after due to his talking about his conquest to others and word getting around school about it. 

In all our years of marriage, I heard his name once as we were looking through our old yearbooks and pointing out old flames one night and playfully discussing our "escapades" in high school. So when he pinged her on Classmates.com this past spring, she asked me if she should respond. I told her sure, because I thought after 25 years, they could send a couple of emails to catch up and that will be that. How could I have known this would happen.

Now she claims the feelings from 25 years ago are back and he is still the same, caring, giving, tells her he loves her, so on. I told her thats not right, thats wrong for another man to say those things to a married woman, but she claimed that is just how he is, how he talks, like there was nothing to it.

This just blows me away. I so hope the counselor can help her sort through her feelings. She can be so head-strong with a never-wrong kind of attitude. She doesn't think this is like any other situation and can't be considered an emotional affair. I don't know if she is going to the counselor just for her own reason to sort out her feelings or if she really wants to fight for us. I think right now she really wants this guy.

This helpless feeling I have is nearly unbearable. I have a great support group of friends but I think only people that have gone through this can be the most help.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Let the counselor work through the relationship(s). It is likely there will be things that will hurt you from her but it needs to be on the table. I agree, she appears to be gravitating towards this man and is working on an emotional level only. She doesn’t recognized the red flags. He had sex with her once and then betrayed and embarrassed her by shooting his mouth off. He’s failed at two marriages and was involved in her before the second one ended. IMHO she was an exit strategy and likely wife #2 was one too. He’s blowing sunshine up her ass but you will unlikely be able to sway her. Hopefully the counselor will find a way to get through to her. Don’t expect to make huge progress in the first few sessions, Good luck, you are proceeding down the right path.


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## Blaze (Sep 16, 2009)

You've probably asked yourself this but.. why would your wife turn to someone else in the first place? Can you pinpoint if she feels she's missing something from your relationship that she's seeking out another person's attention? 

25 years is a lifetime - as one other individual mentioned, during that span of time people are likely to have changed dramatically. 

I suspect this is a fantasy for her, although it's very real in her mind right now. 

I've been her.. once. Long time ago. My reasons are shameful  but I couldn't live with an alcoholic any longer and was too scared to divorce and be on my own - and wanted to bridge my relationships with no 'single life' time. Shameful, I agree. By the way, my husband and I worked things out with the help of a marriage counselor, who also had me attend the first few meetings alone. Long story short, I gave my husband the choice - booze or me. He choose me. He quit cold turkey and has been sober nearly 10 years now. We're both so much happier and never looked back. 

Best of luck to you - I do understand how scary this is.

Blaze


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## desparado (Sep 16, 2009)

Thanks for that insight from the other side, Blaze. I know down deep she and I are still there. I have spent this whole week reflecting on my married life and pinpointing all the areas I missed picking up her ques. There are many. 

We have found ourselves in that rut that some couples get into, I work at a job I hate, she works at home plus home schools our kids, money is always short. Her family lives in another state and most of mine have died off. So we don't have reliable places for baby-sitting. Meaning, we don't have a lot of meaningful time alone. When I get home from work, she starts work, we are in the same house, but I am working with kids and house-stuff and she is working til late herself. So at end of day, we just crash. No real adult communication as a result. We used to talk on the phone during my lunch and during my drives to and from work, but that changed about the time this other guy came on the scene. Its sad. I see it all too clearly now. If given the chance, it will change, dramatically.

Now I want to pour it all on her. Give it all I got, but in my effort to give her space, I am again trapped. Thus the patience.

In your situation, did you think you were falling for the other guy in a big way?


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## desparado (Sep 16, 2009)

She went to counseling. Counselor told her she was to worked up to make a rational decision yet. Told her she had to decide between committment or love. 

How am I supposed to take that?


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## mad (Sep 18, 2009)

Man, I feel you. I am going through the same stuff. Its just the guy she is talking to is only 20yo! See feels that she get get more out of a college student almost half her age then me. That hurts. She has no desire to go to counseling and has told that she is ending our marriage so that she can explore her feelings for him. I feel that she is delusional and immature right now and I'm afraid that so much damage will be done before she realizes it that we truly can't work it out. I'm no angel and we do have major issues that she has raised many times and I have not dealt with them properly but I really don't wan it to end. I love her too much.

Anyway, I feel your pain. Good Luck


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## Lizzie60 (Sep 13, 2009)

Counselling could not be a good thing for YOU... 

There are lots of crappy counsellors out there... They can break up marriages.. without knowing (caring for) the full consequences.. most are there for the $$$.

If they haven't seen each other for 25 years.. chances are they will be 'repulsed' at each other when they meet.. 

They still have the same 'face' in their minds.. the same personalilty.. the same 'hotness' about the other.. but those 25 years will bring back to 'reality'... 

She is in a 'bubble' right now.. and no one, you or any counsellor can bring her out of this infatuation.. 

I guess she'll have to decide for herself.. she might make the 'bad' decision... but it's still hers... 

My only advice at this point.. DON'T let her know that you will take her back if she decides to leave you and 'try' him...

If I were you.. I wouldn't... and I would let her know that if she chooses him.. .and it doesn't work out.. it's over.. done.. you're not a puppet..


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

She is just chasing a fantasy although it might have to run it's course for her to find out. The grass is not greener on the other side. I would get her to counciling and be nice to her. She really needs to give him up for a while, until she decides which way to go, it is not fair to you. Although it was the toughest time of my life I had my wife leave me for another man and I got through it. I now have a better woman!


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## M-loves-C (Sep 19, 2009)

Desparado,

I have been on the other side of this. I was the one having an emotional affair. It was something that was like a steam-roller, it just overtook me and kept on rolling. I really didn't want it to stop. Yeah, when my wife discovered it, I feigned interest in counselling, but I was more interested in getting out of my marriage and into my new fantasy life. It was a way I could proclaim that "well, we've tried everything." Freinds told me I shouldn't follow this fantasy. Family told me, too. My counselor told me. But, I told myself (to paraphrase a song) "If loving her was wrong, then I don't want to be right." As most every emotional affair happens, it eventually becomes a real affair. I crossed the fence to the "greener" side. For a while I continued to believe that what I was doing was right, all the while destroying my wife and kids. For us though, almost 20 years after that, my wife and family are still together, so there is hope. I'll continue the story of how we made it through if you are interested.


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## SFladybug (May 25, 2009)

Desparado, 

I am sorry for your pain. The guys have been giving you good advice. Don't push too much for a "romance" with your wife or for being involved in the counseling yet. She needs a place to let her true feelings out without fear or hurting you so she can see herself and her needs for what they are. 

On the other hand, there does come a time to gently but firmly put your foot down. This is where your own counseling can help. You may need to see that while you love her, she may not love you. To be able to handle that, you will need to hear God's voice and wisdom - probably through a counselor for yourself. 

When you are ready to offer a "date night", not to cling but to offer fun and love, do so. The person above who talked about the lack of reality in an EA relationship is right. She lives in reality land with you and fantasy land with him. Hopefully, the counseling and you backing off a bit will help her see that so she can return to you with a willingness to love you in return. God bless you both with his grace and peace.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

How do you plan to change your life enough for your wife to want to live it with you again. The scheduel you describe isn't a romantic relationship, and every couple needs to keep the romance alive if they want to have a future. It cant be a one time "date night" type thing, you have to spend more time with her every week and every day. 

Your relationship sounds like a contest on who can take the monotony the longest befor cracking and your wife lost, but it could have just as easily been you. Do you both really need to work? Is it worth your relationship? You both need more in your lives to make you feel like the time spent together is special. Tell her how you feel and listen to what she says. Dont get caught up with responding and fixing every sentense she says, try to get the big picture of what is going on in her head. Get inside and find out how much she has fleshed out this dream of hers. 

I have a theory that no two people can occupy the same fantasy at the same time. If someone else really gets into the fantasy someone else has created, the creator will see how absurd the notion is and give up on it. Also if you know enough about her situation you may be able to look for a way to alter the trajectory enough to keep her from doing something she will regret later. Try not to let this harden your heart to her, she is human and can fail, we all can, and she needs your help now and in the future when you work through this.


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## desparado (Sep 16, 2009)

Thanks M-loves-C, I would definitely like to hear your story.

Here's the latest with mine. She and I discussed this again today. This guy tells her a lot of stuff about how he has been thinking of her for all these years. Its still odd to me that she never mentioned him during all those years. I looked at her cell phone and read the msgs (the ones that hadn't been deleted). He even has his kids texting with her. Its all those words a girl likes to hear (or read). Its like they are back in high school. She is truly conflicted but I don't think she is going to make a decision immediately. 

I also am wondering about his background. To hear her say it, he is a fine upstanding businessman. I did a google search on him and found some interesting items to the contrary. I can't talk to her about this, but all isn't as it seems.

I'm trying to be patient but it seems everytime I learn a little more, all those feelings coming rushing back. Then we have to talk about it and it goes a little too far. I am trying to give her the space she needs but its so hard.

Thanks to all for your help.


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## desparado (Sep 16, 2009)

Gomez, you are exactly right. Those are some of the things I have been going over in my head since this started. Yes, as I look back at it, it was a recipe for disaster. I feel so guilty about that and I do take a lot of the blame here.

I have already told her, if she stays we will sell out and start over, anywhere she wants except where he is for obvious reasons, however, her family is also in that area. I'll find a way to keep her from having to work unless she wants to. But she has to get rid of the other guy before I can do anything major. 

As far as altering the trajectory, I am open to ideas there!


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

I went through much the same situation as you, and I had to decide to get my wife infatuated with me again. After I got married I thought that the chasing and competition with other men was over, but after I realized she was having an EA I had to choose to try to win her back. 

I didn't think it was fair, but I wasn't about to give up my wife and family just because someone else caught her attention, I was going to win her back. As I thought about it I had everything in my favor, I could do more than just text her or talk to her on the phone, I could look her in the eye and read her body language as we talked. I could get her flowers, do the dishes, watch the kids so she could relax, I had a million bullets in my arsenal and I knew me wife much better than he did. 

Once I started really devoting myself to romancing my wife it was over for him, that was all my wife had wanted some romance and attention, and once I steped up to that plate the OM looked rediculous. I cant say for sure that this will work for you but thats how I got through it.


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## crazy&conflicted (Oct 1, 2009)

Oh.. I feel *ill* writing, but people have had some great things to say on here- Gomez- I think you did a wonderful job at working on your marriage, I *wish* my partner had the capacity to do the same.

I think you can save this desperado- I really do- with a few careful moves, you can tap her rationale again, and her love for you. I'm having an affair. God. That's horrible to say, but ah- its true. And I never ever ever ever thought I would be capable of it. My stomach is constantly twisted in distress- but do I stop? I try, but then it pulls me back, like some sick addiction. I am constantly trying to work out why I do it- and I guess, you kind of figure it's because you're not happy- that you want a change- ok, well that's what I want. I had an affair with the same man 6 months ago, and then stopped because my partner found out and gave me an ultimatum plus a bunch of stuff about how much he loved me and how he'd do anything for me. I guess, that huge show of affection & love was what I was craving, so I thought, "gosh- am I crazy? To leave someone I know I still love, for something unknown and possibly a figment of my imagination?" and then the 6 months were good, I had moments of "wow, that was close- I must have been crazy", moments of objectivity when I could see that I nearly got sucked in, that this other man knew what to say, because he too was caught up in the fantasy (also married and disenchanted).. And then, I ran into him again at a bar, and it started all over again. I had convinced myself I was over it, that he didn't hold any interest for me- or the intense interest that he held before. Plus, my partner had backed out on so many of the things he had initially claimed in attempting to "win me back" sometimes, I just think it was just a threat to his ego.. that he didn't want me to leave him for another man. (Because I was going to, we had "broken up" for a short period of time)... Argggh. Its hard. I guess, like Gomez was saying, it sounds like the routine of your lives.. are really not conducive to connectedness- neither is my relationship- you become complacent about working on the togetherness component of your relationship- and yep, no matter how much you love each other, someone will crack. We all just want to feel connected, her too. Someone else mentioned reading the 5 love languages, I wish that my partner knew how to communicate his love to me in such a way that I can hear it. He cleans for me, he cooks, but I want some real-soul-connected-emotional stuff. I feel empty inside, and this other man, he tries to fill that for me. How do you let go of someone who understands your darkness, or fills that hole? That's why illicit affairs feel so soulful right? Because, there's an emptiness your partner is not filling, and then when someone else comes along and fills it.. its such an alive feeling. How hard is that to let go? So very, very hard. 
Ok- I'm sorry for going on. Perhaps I thought, desperado, that you might gain some insight into how she might be feeling- you seem like you have so much love and warmth and depth, perhaps with some newfound attentiveness you can help fill that spot for her again. But just, don't give up. Don't ever become complacent again. Cos she'll just go back. Like I have.


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