# Wondering if I should leave the forum...



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

since I don't really want to get married again and am even thinking about the benefits of just living on my own permanently and having uncommitted sex when I feel like it. I'd rather be happy than right. 

Who made up all these rules about relationships and stuff anyway? Legal impositions on humans and bonds made in present regardless and innocent of the future seems ridiculous. 

Like I made a promise to my husband and even after he treated me the way he did, I ended up hanging on a lot longer than was good to me because I didn't want to be the kind of person who goes back on a bond. I can see having obligation and bond to one's children, this occurs naturally (well, for most.) But to an equal? Someone who is not even the father of your children? It seems unnatural. 

Also because of how people live with travel and jobs and obligations to themselves and their friends and things they need to do to take care of themselves, it doesn't seem to make much sense to subjugate oneself and ones dreams and aspirations to another person. 

It seems to me that given that I'm in an entirely single state, I should respect that and not get involved with anyone seriously in a committed kind of way. 

I mean, it would be great to be able to take advantage of opportunities for togetherness as they occur, and not try to create some kind of contrived future together that ends up with much less than two wholes as a result. 

I don't mean that I'm giving up hope entirely, just that I am letting it go. It would take a rare couple who can together create a symbiosis that is greater than their sums. That kind of energy is very difficult to find. 

So in the meantime, and maybe forever, I'd rather be happy and free to enjoy people as I find them, if so inclined and they were inclined too. By people I mean men. 

I wonder if this is wrong in some way? I was like this when I was younger and in college. I wasn't thinking about marriage at all. I just enjoyed being with my dates. I had a plan to go to officer training school and then on to whatever. 

I never had a plan for marriage. Probably why I ended up married to a guy who then ended up being an alcoholic and a jerk the first time, and then when I did have a plan for marriage, why I got taken in and taken advantage of because of that mindset. 

But if I have a plan not to get married, then that's a plan I can live with, and be happy with, and is more in line with reality and where I am now. 

In all other things with my life, including my career, I've been an opportunist and I've always been happy. I don't decide that I want a certain job...I notice an interest and I give it my time of day, and if it works out between the work and my brain, then a match is made, and it continues on, sometimes the match has continued on for many years. 

Sometimes a project ends because it's just not as enthusiastic as promised. Or the work and I are unsuitable for each other, like it's too technical and not creative enough. Or someone wants an application for an end-user rather than research programming, so there was a misunderstanding about what was being sought and what was being offered. 

Then I think about my children. I enjoy my relationships with my children, but when they aren't with me and I'm not responsible for them, I don't really think about them, except maybe I should vacuum their room. I don't choose their activities or control what subjects they need to excel in at school. In some respects my kids are easy because they're intelligent and respectful of the environment and are very 'natural' children. Not into video games and stuff but really curious about the world. So I try not to interfere with that. But when it comes to adult intimate relationship, for some reason there are all these expectations. The more I think about it, the more I think that adult relationships should be more free and less judgmental and demanding, like the relationships I have with my kids. That is, they are respectful and recognized that we are all unique and although we are connected, we are not bound. 

For instance today I told my kids I was going to a conference in San Diego and gave them the dates and said that their dad would watch them most of the time and they would also have an overnight sitter or their brother and his girlfriend the other nights. Instead of being concerned about me going away, they were excited for me and immediately went to their wall map and asked where the pushpins were and put a pin in there. 

I will have to check to see if they also put a pin in UlaanBaatar which I am going to for a month this summer, I didn't have to ask anyone permission to go or discuss it with anyone. If I find someone there I want to make love with or whatever, I can do that without worrying about someone back home. No guilt, no should have would have could have. I am getting on in years and finding that all these rules people have set up for marriage and relationships are PREVENTING real relationships from happening in real time.

I guess I am ready for a paradigm shift. I had a dream last night that I was enjoying eating some shredded cheese from a bag and the cheese was great (you know, like blue cheese can be, pungent,...although this was of course vegan cheese) but when I realized that the cheese was moldy by looking at it, even though the bag was nearly empty and I'd already eaten a great deal of it, I was thoroughly disgusted. I mean, I slept with a guy 4 times and enjoyed it and only got disgusted when I realized he wasn't committed. Now if I'd gone into that relationship as non-committed I would have had a great time in real time and in memory. In fact, I'm not even really sure if maybe the only thing that did make it disgusting was his sloppy attitude towards using a condom. I'm not stupid, I think I must have known, subconsciously, that he wasn't committed, but because at that time commitment was part of my paradigm for avoiding thinking of myself as some kind of low-mannered person, I only paid attention to things he said and did that let me pass myself off to myself as believing "good enough" that I'd done diligence in checking for commitment or at least exclusivity. The fact is, I don't think I really gave a sh*t. I just wanted to get it on with him. 

So this is a new realization for me. I was probably born to break a few hearts and I'm sure I already have in fact that was why I struggled so long to be 'good' and to be a one-person woman. The truth is, when I was with my kids' dad he was probably nice enough but really boring. I needed to travel and I did travel and I am honest when I say I never even thought during that time to get it on with anyone. I just enjoyed being out and with people. I usually had my kids with me. Nothing ever happened, I always thought it would be inappropriate and always behaved properly and always with a group of people to socialize. I was friends with a couple guys in a bed and breakfast but we were buddies not love interests. They were there learning to fly in the bush where it's cheaper and safer. 

So in a relationship what happens is I TURN OFF my sexuality because it's too demanding for the one person. My most recent husband was 'interesting' because he was an a**hole and he knew how to play me, but then I thought well, I know his game, now I want to have equal rights. But he couldn't handle that. He knew other men were attracted to me and realized that the gig was up. That ultimately if he was going to sleep with others I would too. His women were loathe some to me, the kind that were easily manipulated, he'd been having them for years and years. 

I guess I was the latest tactic. The woman he married to help out because of her kids who turned out to be a real b*tch and how now he was stuck in a marriage he didn't want, could they feel sorry for him and console him? lol. It was anything but that. I was more than happy to have a relationship with him because the first year he was sexually exciting...then he started needing to dominate, finally it turned to rape. OK, not exciting. Alarming. Line was crossed. He tried his best to subjugate me to the point where I had no self-esteem left. I guess he knew how the deployment would turn out, after I found out about his women and his game (emails and such) which is why he tried to impregnate me. I guess at my age women have periods but are not fertile much at all. Odds are very low.

So now I'm thinking. I'd rather be in a relationship when I don't get treated right, I have my own space and no commitment and can be free to just continue on with my life and if someone else has my interest and wants to be in a relationship that's more respectful, I can choose that instead. 

I suppose when commitment is justified, it will be real obvious. Or maybe not. 

I just don't see a committed relationship as serving my purpose in life any more. I have some exciting things to do with my life and I'm tired of being held back by men who don't deserve the sacrifices that have to be made in relationships. I guess what I'm saying is that I have some kind of purpose in life and it's not to be in a committed relationship at this time. I'm a Quaker and I practice discernment and honestly I have sat on this concept for a while. I know it sounds cheesy lol but the dream of cheese with respect to me having enjoyed being with this guy and then only repulsed when I realized cheese was moldy (guy was non-committed) is too related to escape my notice. I read a book on relationships written by a Quaker a few months ago and hadn't given it much thought since, because I had read it from a point of view of only seeking a committed relationship (ensuring myself that this guy's viewpoint was WRONG of course....) but now when I think about it the book was really saying that you should follow your heart, whatever it is that it's telling you. And that is the path. 

I think I will do much better in relationships overall if I approach them from a non-committed viewpoint. The reason is that I fear encroachment into my world as I know it and love it, and I also fear being asked to give up my own life to be part of someone else's where there are rules and habits and expectations that are completely foreign to me but that the other person takes for granted so much in mainstream life that he doesn't even explain what these rules are. I've noticed that traditional career guys will get to know me and then drop me. Obviously I'm not going to be there at 5:00 with meatloaf and potatoes and sit around drinking a scotch with them before rolling on that bearskin rug that's always in front of their fires in their nice houses. lol. Now I might be in my Uggs out by the firepit saying I got caught up in a writing project and as a result we are roasting tofu pups and having marshmallows for dinner and by the way you can drink that Tequilla right out of the bottle. And hey, look at that, you can see Orion. I might get my sleeping bag and sleep in the hammock tonight! That's more like me, and it drives most men nuts. A woman like that can't be tracked or trusted. And that's the point. I don't want to have to behave in a way that makes someone else feel more secure than they already should be. If someone wants commitment from me, they should feel free to ask, and if I say no (or not at this time) and that's what they want, they should feel free to look elsewhere. 

I think that guy I was with 4 times and totally into taught me something I needed to know. Not to try to change myself into something I'm not just to make other people comfortable. I mean, am I afraid that my kids won't have friends because of my mindset? The fact is, they have friends and the people I'm worried about do activities and have lifestyles neither me or my kids are interested in. We're not hippies, per se, but we're definitely not nuclear or normal in any way that could be defined. Yet, what we have feels healthy and sustains us and we are happy living the way we live. I think I'm just going to embrace it.

But I wonder if because I'm not doggedly interested in marriage or even right now pursuing a committed relationship (which is different than being ultimately open to one) I wonder if this forum isn't really for me any more.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

But you have experiences that you can share with newcomers...


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

LdyVenus said:


> But you have experiences that you can share with newcomers...


Not necessarily good ones! I think people are entitled to their own experiences. Maybe reliving mine isn't the greatest thing and I'm satisfied with the number of people I've helped, to the extent that they now have experiences that can help others. Maybe it is time for me to truly move on from my bad experiences, and go have some new ones that are good or awesome, or whatever they end up being. I don't want to get it right. I just want to have fun and grow trying. It's unlikely I'm ever going to fall into the hands of evil again, and hanging out here just ensures that I don't fall into any hands at all, except in retrospect re-living my experiences over and over. I'm going to try not discussing my past at all. I need to bring myself up current to today, and really look forward to tomorrow with fresh eyes. I should add that I'm a believer in constructive narrative. I want to try letting go of my past, and narratives are keeping me there.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

HNU, do what you know you have to do, it's a shame that you feel it's a matter of having to leave TAM entirely instead of just cutting its use back, but I know just how satisfying it can be to get sucked in on here. You also tried leaving here once before right?

I would hate to see you leave here, you certainly belong here but if it's holding you back don't feel any obligations. I too think that when I start firing on all cylinders I may end up largely forgetting this place (even through all the amazing connections, friendship and support I get here)... it's not as if you are forgetting the people, just the urge to come check here and catch up on all the interesting and fascinating ideas.

But just make sure to say by before you do.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

HNU, i certainly understand the draw to not hang around a depressing environment when you're looking to move on. 

i would suggest that the very heart of the Post Divorce forum should be more about the finding joy in being single again rather than another pit of misery.

do what you must. but do it well and do it with joy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

But...but we like you... stay


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Stay if its benefiting you in some way.

For me...pre divorce and divorce it was my salvation.

After that I didn't come on as much but now I do more so. 

Why? We have been married...have kids...begin new relationships...etc. 

TAM has been an incredible support. I also enjoy/benefit supporting others.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Orpheus said:


> i would suggest that the very heart of the Post Divorce forum should be more about the finding joy in being single again rather than another pit of misery..


:iagree: That's how I look at it. I filed the paperwork yesterday...The first step into the rest of my life. :smthumbup:

It's all about perspective. If you like being here and contributing then stay. If you feel the need to move on, then do so but don't overthink it.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

They have a name for how you feel. Jaded. Definition: Cynical by experience. You think if you don't allow yourself to care about anyone enough and date wrong people you won't get sucked in and can easily dump them and move to another, but it doesn't work that way. Sometimes you can't help but fall for someone when you meet the right person. At which point you don't choose to be committed you just want to be.

You should go out and have fun and meet people with no intention of getting serious and you shouldn't change yourself for anyone and have a good time. If they don't like who you are well then they aren't a good match for you anyway. Let life happen while your having a good time don't force anything.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

LdyVenus said:


> But you have experiences that you can share with newcomers...


This is so very true! I also fell much the same way as you do, HNU. However, I think those of us who have reached this point can offer unbiased advice to others. We are in a better place to see the world from a different perspective.

Hope you hang around.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I'm around. I think I was stuck in a rut after losing my boyfriend to the brain hemorrhage, trying to recreate that scenario instead of just accepting the end of something good and being open minded as to what should happen next.


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## sunnybeach (Dec 25, 2011)

omg, thank you, HNU, for your post! I really needed to read that. Before I met my husband (he is a good man and was a good husband) I never wanted to get married for some of the reasons that you speak of. When I met him, the love was so big that I had a change of plans. I was very happy for a decade or so but then I wasn't. And moving forward, I again do not have plans to marry or live with someone. I just want to explore who I am without expectation, rules, or role playing.
Thanks again!


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## sunnybeach (Dec 25, 2011)

Just read your most recent post. Even if you changed your mind regarding your post it still helped me and thank you. I am sorry about your boyfriend.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

I've thought that maybe I should leave TAM behind, too. But, I enjoy talking about relationships with the people on here. It is also nice to share post divorce and dating experiences.

I've checked out another forum that is specifically for dating, but have found a lot of younger people on there. Some of the questions posted are pretty immature. I'd like an area in here that is just about dating, or dating after divorce, or dating over 30, etc.

I also have thought that maybe I don't really want to be married. I enjoy having a relationship, but I really enjoy having my own time and own structure. However, with the right person, that can work in a relationship. My ex was very needy, so that didn't work. 

My problem is that I do WANT children and I don't have any. I hope that I can find a man to share that with. But, there is always that idea of adopting as a single woman.

It's good that you have done some thinking about your situation and I wish the best of luck!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I enjoy learning more about relationships, and having people to ping things off of in dating situations. Voices of reality. And with regards to marriage, and relationships, it keeps normal in perspective, a reminder of the work it does take to stay in relationships, that really depends on the person, not a canned set of rules and guidelines for marriage. Thinking about it this way, doing what works for both people in the situations that come along, using dialog and understanding, makes the idea of a ltr or even marriage much more hopeful, vs. some kind of compromise, which is definitely shouldn't be.


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