# Staying



## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

For those people who are in unhappy marriages or relationships for whatever reasons. What makes you want to leave but can't because of your particular circumstances.

- You have dependent children

- Religious reasons

- Financially better off married than divorcing

- Financially supported by your partner with no other income

- Too old to leave

- Scared of the future

- Fear of being on your own

- Afraid that you won't find happiness again with someone special


And what do you do to make your life more bearable?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

For me personally I stayed in a miserable marriage because I felt a responsibility and obligation to everyone involved, wife, kids, parents, even our friends. It was easier for me to self endure than deal with causing others pain, that's what made it "bearable". Truth be told when I was finally able to pin her down for cheating and she confessed to being in love with someone else I was relieved, that was my exit ticket. I pushed thru our divorce in just under three months, I gave her more than she legally deserved and kept the kids with me. 

Only after she was gone did I truly realize how miserable I had been for a long time, being happy and relaxed again was like being reborn. Even though after the fact I was kicking myself for putting off divorce for so long if I had it to do over I might stick it out again. It seems this former tough guy has lost the ability to cause others pain, I'm not sure if that is classic nice guy syndrome or I have become cowardly. Now just to be safe I stay single.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

For 6 years it was because I was afraid to leave, but when he told me he held a gun to my head while I slept and the only reason why he didn't pull the trigger was because mortgage needed paid. I some how found the strength to take off and go into hiding for a year after that. So for me it was fear that kept me there and fear that helped me leave.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

At this particular point in time, I don't want to leave. But I've been in limbo off and on for quite a few years. There isn't really a simple answer but I'll give the main points of what keeps me around in no particular order. 

Scared of the future-Yes, I'd say this plays into it. I'm afraid of living by myself because I don't want to be alone. I don't think that my support system is very strong with my friends & family. If I had a stronger support system, things MAY be different. 

I regret not having kids however at this point, I just think it's too late to start over with the intent of having kids. 

It would devastate my husband. I would really hurt him and I have a hard time just thinking about hurting him. 

My husband is an alcoholic and I'm co-dependent. Currently, he is "controlling" his drinking by get sh**faced only 2-3 days a week (it used to be every single day). If I were to leave, he would climb into the bottle and it would be most likely that he would drink himself to death at a much faster pace. This fact gives me guilt. I feel responsible for keeping his drinking under "control". I put "control" in parenthesis because I don't think an alcoholic can truly control his disease. 

We have shared interests and spend time together. That time is normally good as long as he's sober. We get along good and he treats me well. This also keeps me around. 

I WANT this marriage to work, so I'm trying everything before throwing in the towel.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lifeiscomplicated said:


> For those people who are in unhappy marriages or relationships for whatever reasons. What makes you want to leave but can't because of your particular circumstances.
> 
> - You have dependent children
> 
> ...



Because the jury is still out on the continuance of the marriage, I am not planning for the marriage, I am only planning for myself. Now is not the right time. The ducks are not all in place yet, still some major things to align in my life.
If things progress as they have been in the last 8 months, we have a chance, but I won't bet on that, been walked over too many times and some days I feel we will make it, some days I don't, mind you the latter are becoming less. Nothing is permanent in life and one never knows what the future holds.


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## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

For me there is all kinds of doubt. I was scared of being alone and worried that my occupation wont give me the time to go out and meet people. However, my biggest fear has always been being wrong about my justifications for wanting to leave. 

Sadly it is sort of like that mountain analogy- If you make it most of the way up the mountain and things start to go wrong do you continue because you have so much effort in it or turn back and give up? I get along great with my wife and am extremely attracted to her. The intimate side has always been incredible. I have yet to be able to sort out in my head how all that can be so great yet there is this huge black cloud of her relationships with male friends and coworkers that wont go away.

I have an opportunity to at least separate for now but that just puts stress on day to day work, the children and probably a little more financial stress which we don't need anymore of. I have been scolded by many on this site for staying but sadly I seem to still be unable to make a decision. I think if I didn't enjoy being around her it would be a lot easier. My motivation now is that I have somewhere else I can live and I don't want to get so old that it will be harder to find a partner so I am really pressuring my wife to answer questions and she is fully aware that I am not happy with the information I have to date.

Why do you ask the question?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

My entire 8 years of marriage was hell on hearth. 100% sexless for last 4 years. I had young kids (4 and 5yrs), so didn't want to ruin their lives. Found this forum and read No More Mr. Nice Guy. It woke me up. I would pray to God for him to kill her or me, I hated her that much.

Truth be told, I started talking to another woman (EA) and that was all I needed to see how unhappy I was and that my kids never got to see what a health relationship looked like. My EXW caught me talking to the other woman on my phone and begged me to stop talking to her. I left my EXW that night and stayed in an extended stay hotel for a month before getting an apartment. Best thing that ever happened to me. 

Got divorced 6 months later. I gave her a very fair divorce, she got the house. We co parent well and I met the woman of my dreams 3 weeks after separation (not the EA girl). I did bang the EA girl a few times after I left the house, so that was fun. 

I'm proposing tonight. Life is short, don't waste it with someone that makes you hate life. You can't remain married because you're afraid to disappoint your kids, parents, friends, etc.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Lifeiscomplicated said:


> For those people who are in unhappy marriages or relationships for whatever reasons. What makes you want to leave but can't because of your particular circumstances.
> 
> - You have dependent children
> 
> ...


Seems like you are fishing for people to justify you staying when you shouldn't. It's your life, you don't need any justification. The only thing is, if you are going to stay, commit to it. Stay til you die. Because, if you ever end up leaving, your regret for waiting too long will crush your soul.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Lostme said:


> For 6 years it was because I was afraid to leave, but when he told me he held a gun to my head while I slept and the only reason why he didn't pull the trigger was because mortgage needed paid. I some how found the strength to take off and go into hiding for a year after that. So for me it was fear that kept me there and fear that helped me leave.



Every time you share this nightmare I am so thankful you are here with us today...


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

For me, I am still here obviously because we do love eachother. Things are extremely, extremely tough right now and want to leave more than stay. The reasons I stay in order of importance are: 1: Money 2:My kids (all adults) 3: Religious reasons 4: My family.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Every time you share this nightmare I am so thankful you are here with us today...


Thank you, it was tough I'm glad I made it too.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You can justify anything. 

I stayed with a cheater for decades. Why? Because I didn't want to break up our family. Because he begged me not to divorce him. Because he swore it would never happen again. Because it was easier. On and on and on. 

I finally got out. I wish I had gotten out then.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

edit


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think its tragic that some will stay even if they or their own children are being abused. I think its out of fear of being alone.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Cooper said:


> For me personally I stayed in a miserable marriage because I felt a responsibility and obligation to everyone involved, wife, kids, parents, even our friends. It was easier for me to self endure than deal with causing others pain, that's what made it "bearable". Truth be told when I was finally able to pin her down for cheating and she confessed to being in love with someone else I was relieved, that was my exit ticket. I pushed thru our divorce in just under three months, I gave her more than she legally deserved and kept the kids with me.
> 
> Only after she was gone did I truly realize how miserable I had been for a long time, being happy and relaxed again was like being reborn. Even though after the fact I was kicking myself for putting off divorce for so long if I had it to do over I might stick it out again. It seems this former tough guy has lost the ability to cause others pain, I'm not sure if that is classic nice guy syndrome or I have become cowardly. Now just to be safe I stay single.


Sounds a little like my husbands story. He was married for 23 years, not very happily. He would never have divorced his ex because he believes in keeping promises made, but she met another man and ended the marriage. He then met me and we have a very good marriage so for him it was a blessing in disguise.


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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> At this particular point in time, I don't want to leave. But I've been in limbo off and on for quite a few years. There isn't really a simple answer but I'll give the main points of what keeps me around in no particular order.
> 
> Scared of the future-Yes, I'd say this plays into it. I'm afraid of living by myself because I don't want to be alone. I don't think that my support system is very strong with my friends & family. If I had a stronger support system, things MAY be different.
> 
> ...


Can you get him in to treatment? I went and have done a total 180. Maybe it would help him? 

Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Mollymolz said:


> Can you get him in to treatment? I went and have done a total 180. Maybe it would help him?
> 
> Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


He's refused treatment and counseling. According to him, he's not an alcoholic. We went to a marriage counselor for a while and when we started to talk about that, he SHUT it down. He just wanted to talk about his issues with me. Very hurtful. So, needless to say, I put an end to counseling. 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

I have only been married a little over 7 yrs and maybe the first 2 went well. DH did not have a relationship with his family and was considered the black sheep until I opened "Pandora's Box". The 3rd year of our marriage, with my encouragement, he became close again with them and all it has done is cause problems for me. I say "me" instead of "us" because it does affect us but he would rather put them first and I am always 2nd. At this point, I go over the pros and cons and go from there. 

My main reason for staying is financial. I own the house and I was successful in the medical industry before we met. When we met, my health issues took the best of me and I am now limited to only working part time. Without his income or being on his health insurance, I would be living in a shelter somewhere. I am to nice and should of never mentioned to him that I think he should reconnect with his family. It has caused me more pain and suffering than you can imagine, for I never thought of how this would affect me nor our marriage. That's what you get for being unselfish. On most weekends while we should be doing stuff together and enjoying each others' company, I am left behind at home while he is visiting his sister being her personal handy man.

Good luck and keep us posted!


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

Lostme said:


> he told me he held a gun to my head while I slept and the only reason why he didn't pull the trigger was because mortgage needed paid.


:surprise: Holy crap! Just reading that sent a shiver down my spine. 

As @Emerging Buddhist stated, glad you are ok.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Lifeiscomplicated said:


> For those people who are in unhappy marriages or relationships for whatever reasons. What makes you want to leave but can't because of your particular circumstances.
> 
> - You have dependent children
> 
> ...


*While I may be twice divorced, this particular rationale scares the ever-living hell out of me at my ever attempting to find the unrequited love that I had been searching for in the first place!*


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## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

Cooper said:


> For me personally I stayed in a miserable marriage because I felt a responsibility and obligation to everyone involved, wife, kids, parents, even our friends. It was easier for me to self endure than deal with causing others pain, that's what made it "bearable". Truth be told when I was finally able to pin her down for cheating and she confessed to being in love with someone else I was relieved, that was my exit ticket. I pushed thru our divorce in just under three months, I gave her more than she legally deserved and kept the kids with me.
> 
> Only after she was gone did I truly realize how miserable I had been for a long time, being happy and relaxed again was like being reborn. Even though after the fact I was kicking myself for putting off divorce for so long if I had it to do over I might stick it out again. It seems this former tough guy has lost the ability to cause others pain, I'm not sure if that is classic nice guy syndrome or I have become cowardly. Now just to be safe I stay single.


Thanks Cooper for your story. It sounds like your wife was just as unhappy as you were to cheat. I am glad that you are doing okay now. Is she still with the guy? 

There have been times when I have wished my husband would cheat then it would take the decision out of my hands as to whether I stay or leave but I know my husband won't do that as financially it would be detrimental to us both at this stage of our lives and besides he loves me.


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## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> At this particular point in time, I don't want to leave. But I've been in limbo off and on for quite a few years. There isn't really a simple answer but I'll give the main points of what keeps me around in no particular order.
> 
> Scared of the future-Yes, I'd say this plays into it. I'm afraid of living by myself because I don't want to be alone. I don't think that my support system is very strong with my friends & family. If I had a stronger support system, things MAY be different.
> 
> ...


Thanks TBW! I think kids would make your life more tolerable however they come with other difficulties and life choices can be a lot harder to make because ultimately their needs will have to come before yours.

I wish you all the best. Your husband is very lucky to have you as his wife.


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## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

Lostme said:


> For 6 years it was because I was afraid to leave, but when he told me he held a gun to my head while I slept and the only reason why he didn't pull the trigger was because mortgage needed paid. I some how found the strength to take off and go into hiding for a year after that. So for me it was fear that kept me there and fear that helped me leave.


Wow Lostme, your story brought tears to my eyes. I am so glad you found the strength to leave as hard as it must have been.

You are one courageous woman. 

Enjoy your freedom.


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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> He's refused treatment and counseling. According to him, he's not an alcoholic. We went to a marriage counselor for a while and when we started to talk about that, he SHUT it down. He just wanted to talk about his issues with me. Very hurtful. So, needless to say, I put an end to counseling.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


It's hard for an addict to face their addiction. Sorry you're going through this. Lots of people have to be forced in to treatment. Their heads are so messed up they can't see how bad it is. 

Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> He's refused treatment and counseling. According to him, he's not an alcoholic. We went to a marriage counselor for a while and when we started to talk about that, he SHUT it down. He just wanted to talk about his issues with me. Very hurtful. So, needless to say, I put an end to counseling.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


Sorry TB but until they themselves recognize they have a problem, nothing will change, the only other thing that can precipitate a change, is when they are about to lose everything. 

I hope you are not enabling him. Have you thought about leaving him? I know for sure that if mine goes down that path again (he is still in recovery, has not drank in almost 11 months) I am gone. I have told him in MC the alcohol is a deal breaker, no question about it.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

aine said:


> Sorry TB but until they themselves recognize they have a problem, nothing will change, the only other thing that can precipitate a change, is when they are about to lose everything.
> 
> I hope you are not enabling him. Have you thought about leaving him? I know for sure that if mine goes down that path again (he is still in recovery, has not drank in almost 11 months) I am gone. I have told him in MC the alcohol is a deal breaker, no question about it.


I don't think that I enable him. I won't even suggest/ask to go out to eat anymore because I know he'll drink. 

Yes, I've thought many times of leaving him. I've researched apartments that'll take my dog & have done up a budget to figure out what I could afford. I've asked for separation twice as well. The most recent being in December 2016. He refuses to agree to a separation. And, I think it's because he knows what will happen if we separate. So I would have to be the one to walk out. I've told him that I will never go back to the way things were.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

The jury is still out on the future of our marriage, but currently the reasons I stay are: financial (it's easier living in a 2-income household), dogs (they and he would miss each other terribly), afraid of disappointing those around us. @Lostme -- holy smokes, i'm so glad that you're around to tell your story! That's just awful; I'm so sorry that you went through that.


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## Grapes (Oct 21, 2016)

Lostme said:


> For 6 years it was because I was afraid to leave, but when he told me he held a gun to my head while I slept and the only reason why he didn't pull the trigger was because mortgage needed paid. I some how found the strength to take off and go into hiding for a year after that. So for me it was fear that kept me there and fear that helped me leave.


wow! good grief! Im glad you are ok and got the hell out of there. sheesh!


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## Lukedog (Nov 18, 2015)

I've been on Tam for two years. I read a lot on here but I don't post much. I have wanted out of my marriage for so long...... It's a sexless marriage. It's void of emotions. It's void of intimacy. It's void of good communication. My husband is a drinker and I am also co-dependent. There are many issues in this marriage and some things are starting to change. Only time will tell whether they are lasting changes or whether they are changes just to "appease" me. In the interim, I stayed this long because of the following:
1. Fear. Of the unknown, change, being alone
2. Finances. Our credit is in the tank, quite literally. We have no credit, no borrowing power, meager savings (and I mean meager...And it's all money I have saved).
3. I would have to be the one to leave the home. Which I would be fine with because it's a money pit at this point and falling apart, however, there are certain things I will not leave the hous
e without and he will fight me tooth and nail on it. 
4. Health issues. 
There are a few others but you get the point. 
What do I do to get through? Put one foot in front of the other and take it one day at a time.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Lifeiscomplicated said:


> For those people who are in unhappy marriages or relationships for whatever reasons. What makes you want to leave but can't because of your particular circumstances.
> 
> - You have dependent children
> 
> ...


Great question. To a greater or lesser degree it's a little of all of these reasons. The main ones are financial -I won't go any further on that one. I also think that my prospects for finding someone else are greatly reduced because not many women want anything to do with a 50+ guy who's broke and offers really no future. I also really don't want to be alone and want somebody with me to have fun and do things with. That's doesn't leave me with that many options. If I leave, Ill be broke and alone and I want neither. Is it worth keeping a bad relationship around. For now, probably, but if something changes I'll be ready to leave. I really don't see myself with my wife going forward. I think that what makes things bearable for now is I know and I've promised myself that I'm not going to be with my wife for ever.


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