# Musings of a newly divorced BH



## My 8 year mistake (Nov 7, 2018)

My torment has ended. A week before covid lockdown, the court finalized my divorce. So, guess what, I'm a free man now. 
This entire journey was painful for not only me but my family as well. Still this was an unsurpassed learning experience. A few things I'd like to share for the new members of this club no one wants to be a part of:

1) Treat infidelity like an allergen. The sooner you remove it from your life, the sooner your suffering stops. Reconciliation or divorce- each to their own, but you can't live in limbo with a spouse who is continuing an affair.
2) Affair is not your fault. When your cheating spouse blames their cheating on you, ask yourself this question- If their affair is a reaction to some action of yours, when your actions were far more deplorable, how far are they they willing to go?
3) You don't know your spouse. You don't understand your spouse. If you knew and understood them, you would have realized they were capable of cheating and maybe not married them. 
4) You would never get the complete truth. Period. 
5) You are not a special case. Your cheating spouse is not a special case, unless they are serial killers. You will find some thread either here or in SI that mirrors your situation. Keeping reading, keep posting.
6) You can't fix your cheating spouse. Don't even try it. Fix yourself.
7) Don't drink. Alcohol is a crutch. 
8) Self esteem- understand, implement. You won't be ashamed of your actions at a later date.


----------



## Chicagohusband2020 (Apr 2, 2020)

Thanks for this, I am in the early stage and your post is helpful


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hi My8yearmistake,

I had to have a come to Jesus moment with those very facts. Can't get the truth from a liar, so you gotta accept that there's lots of **** you'll never know, acknowledge it's not about you, so it really doesn't matter and move the hell on.
I started dating a few months ago, before my divorce was final, but a few months after I filed because I was damned if I was going to waste any more of my life. So, it's my first time dating in 20 yrs lol, and boy, I have no clue. You dudes are way different at 40+ than at 20.

It definitely gets easier when you decide what you want for yourself and then make the moves to make it happen. Take care of yourself man.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

TXTrini said:


> So, it's my first time dating in 20 yrs lol, and boy, I have no clue. *You dudes are way different at 40+ than at 20.*


 I'm curious. Could you expound on that a bit?


----------



## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

Well done, strength and respect to you.
Buffer


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Rubix Cubed said:


> I'm curious. Could you expound on that a bit?


My past relationships ALL evolved from friendships, I've never experienced real courtship, so I don't know what that's supposed to look like. I'm an introvert, borderline antisocial, though such an adept social chameleon that it surprises most people. I had one bf in high school (he was very much older), dated one guy briefly in college. I suppose I've never seen the point in pursuing a relationship unless I'm really into someone.

Come to think of it, I've never been single for long, so I never needed to date. I never learned how to filter the assholes, players, and timewasters, so this is completely alien, like navigating the frontiers lol. I've gone out with a handful of men since I decided not to wallow in self-pity and put myself out there. I met the guy I'm seeing on Match after I realized casual dating wasn't for me and I wanted a bf (dude knocked my socks off then crawled back into his shell). The uncertainty makes me feel like a teenager lol, I really hate that. Is this how dating is supposed to feel? 

For context, I've lived a very isolated life for the last decade, and I had just started to go back into the world (made good headway too!) then this pandemic exploded. I'm a very straight-forward person, when I give my word, I do my best to follow through, but my Achilles' heel is I expect the same, and that's a very dangerous mindset. 

What's your experience as a single man dating?


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

TXTrini said:


> My past relationships ALL evolved from friendships, I've never experienced real courtship, so I don't know what that's supposed to look like. I'm an introvert, borderline antisocial, though such an adept social chameleon that it surprises most people. I had one bf in high school (he was very much older), dated one guy briefly in college. I suppose I've never seen the point in pursuing a relationship unless I'm really into someone.
> 
> Come to think of it, I've never been single for long, so I never needed to date. I never learned how to filter the assholes, players, and timewasters, so this is completely alien, like navigating the frontiers lol. I've gone out with a handful of men since I decided not to wallow in self-pity and put myself out there. I met the guy I'm seeing on Match after I realized casual dating wasn't for me and I wanted a bf (dude knocked my socks off then crawled back into his shell). The uncertainty makes me feel like a teenager lol, I really hate that. Is this how dating is supposed to feel?
> 
> ...


Let me just say this. Don't be in a rush, and take your time. 

Look at it like that, if you meet someone nice, have dinner, and it is meh, or just ok... You are under no obligation to go out again if you don't want to. Or you can think about it for a week and see how your feel. 

Just take your time while at the same time have fun. If you want to get laid, and you like the guy after however long, be safe and get laid, or don't.

If you are not feeling it, then politely tell the guy, and move on. 

I feel like if something is suppose to happen, it will. Then you have to feel your way through that, and if that is not it, then move on. 

People get too worked up about this stuff. It is really not that hard...


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

BluesPower said:


> Let me just say this. Don't be in a rush, and take your time.
> 
> Look at it like that, if you meet someone nice, have dinner, and it is meh, or just ok... You are under no obligation to go out again if you don't want to. Or you can think about it for a week and see how your feel.
> 
> ...


I've calmed down a bit from the initial kid in a candy shop feeling lol (survivor of a sexless marriage 10/12 years). I did kiss a frog who I punted pretty quickly, got ghosted, and went out with a guy I wasn't feeling it with, we were simply looking for different things and I thought he was too young for me.

This guy though really knocked my socks off, we've been dating exclusively from the start, it's been about 3 months or so. He didn't know what hit him initially when I let loose on him lol, but funnily enough, this lockdown has facilitated us getting to know each other better.

We finally saw each other after a 6-week break this last weekend and had a great time. He's a single dad, he has his son every other weekend, so we see each other about that often, sometimes once during the week too. We talk at least every other day, though I have mercy on him when he sees his mom (he's also an introvert). 

I have so many things I need to get done, I really am not in a hurry to get serious, but I see potential, so I didn't want to let it pass my by. Good things take time to develop anyway, so here's to hoping. If not, I suppose it's part of rediscovering me. 

I'm not worried about meeting suitable men, I've never had an issue. I'm just somewhat unable to read people's motives sometimes, though I have a decent instinct for BS. Thank you for the encouragement and advice though, it's really important not to be adversarial and remember we're all people looking for something real, even if our something's doesn't coincide.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

TXTrini said:


> *I'm a very straight-forward person, when I give my word, I do my best to follow through, but my Achilles' heel is I expect the same, and that's a very dangerous mindset.*
> 
> What's your experience as a single man dating?


I'm not single ( so I'm definitely not dating) but was curious. I expect I would run into the same difficulties as you just from the flip side of the coin. We have the same characteristic in the bolded statement above. It doesn't seem like that would be a high standard, but in looking around the world today, apparently, it is.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

This one goes on the hall of fame page.


----------

