# Heartbreaking Dilemma - Do I stay with her or do I leave?



## SunsetOcean (Dec 29, 2019)

Hi everyone, 

I'm currently experiencing a dilemma which is causing me mental anguish and I've no idea what to do, I could really do with some impartial advice as I'm not sure if I would severely deeply regret it if I broke up with my long-term partner and live to regret it, or whether I should keep fighting for the love in the hope that it will eventually get better. 

I’m 27 and my girlfriend is 26, we have been together for over 4 years. She has a child from her previous partner who is now 7 years old, and lives with us. We get along perfectly and very rarely fall out or argue, we share many hobbies and genuinely enjoy each other’s company. I love the girl with all my heart and she’s helped me through some extremely dark times (mental health) and through many of my personal issues and demons. She loves the bones off me and that feeling is amazing and something I have never experienced before (she is my only long term partner that I've ever had). 

There's only 1 problem, I say only but it is a massive problem and the problem which is causing me to be so unsure of whether to continue the relationship.. that is sex.*Every time we have sex, she climaxes with no problem whereas I have only climaxed twice in the past 2 & half years. I know it's usually the other way round which is why this is quite unusual. It pains me to say it but for some bizarre reason, I don’t really get turned on by her anymore *and I’m not sexually stimulated by her, despite the fact she is absolutely gorgeous and I think she is beautiful.

The problem comes from the fact she has never initiated sex, and I must admit as difficult as it is but she is really a poor performer in the bedroom. Absolutely everything has to be dictated by me. Now, we have had the conversation and we have been to therapy and counselling twice, but she completely lacks the confidence and has such low-self esteem to be able to be confident enough to take any sort of responsibility in the bedroom. It's such a turn off now that I dread having sex, and feel really uncomfortable doing it and I make sure I make her climax as quickly as possible so that I have an excuse to end the sex session. We still have sex once or so a week, but it has got so bad that I completely dread it, and have done for a couple of years now. 

As well as counselling,*I’ve tried new positions, viagra, with and without condoms, lubricant, lights on/off, nothing has worked to get me turned on enough to climax when doing anything sexual with my girlfriend. 
* 
We’ve planned our house move, future wedding and much more together, and I honestly can’t imagine my future without her, but the sex situation is driving me mad and I’m fed up of masturbating. I have no problem climaxing when masturbating, and I have heard / been told that going a while without masturbating really does help but I've not managed longer than 4 days I find it so difficult after a few days that I can't even sleep!

We both come from families that aren't very close with us, for various reasons such as alcoholism, and so we are literally the closest people to each other (apart from her son). We do everything together, and this is why it so painful that this issue is causing me to even consider breaking up with her. It would almost feel like I have lost my life - I need to know if there's another way. 

It feels like such a horrible reason to break up with someone who is essentially the closest person in my life because of literally one issue, but I’m exhausted trying to solve it and I don’t know what else I can do now as I feel like I've tried everything to make it work. 

Any advice will be so much appreciated!


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

It seems unusual for a woman to have such low self-esteem to be able to climax so readily... or is it? I'm in unknown personal territory here. For my wife, it's the opposite. If she's not on top of her game, mentally, she cannot climax. It's possible you're projecting your own issues onto her; she may not actually have the low self-esteem issue but, rather, you. You may be in a downward spiral here. 

You don't have issues climaxing on your own; what are you thinking about at the time? Do you now, or have you in the past, watched a lot of porn? Any issues with any prior girlfriends? 

What does she think about your issue?

This woman seems to check off all the right boxes for you, and is apparently willing to engage in sex, just not initiate. By the way, viagra will, in general, not help you climax. Often the opposite. It will improve blood flow but can decrease sensitivity. I have to take the stuff for an issue unrelated to sex (raynauds, a circulation issue that turns my hands to ice) so my experience with it is a bit less biased than most.

Hate to turn this back on you, but it could be that she might be OK for you but you might not be OK for her...


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Is she clean and hygiene? 
Is she into it when you are sexual? Are you ? 
Is she in shape are you in shape? 
Are you addicted to porn? 
Are you mentally ready for sex,? Is she ?
Do you have to beg for sex? Or does she? 
Is it only a particular time of day?
Is your sex always planned out?
Do you do nice things for her and take your time?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How many hours a week do the two of you spend together doing things that you both enjoy, just the two of you. (Quality time?)


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## SunsetOcean (Dec 29, 2019)

Casual Observer said:


> You don't have issues climaxing on your own; what are you thinking about at the time? Do you now, or have you in the past, watched a lot of porn? Any issues with any prior girlfriends?
> 
> What does she think about your issue?
> 
> ...



Thanks for your reply. My masturbation is to porn, yes, I do and have watched a lot of porn since the age of 13 (I'm now 27). 

I've never had a prior girlfriend, only one night stands. I've had about 50 one night stands before I got with my girlfriend, and such my only previous sexual experience was with people I had no real emotional attachment to. My current girlfriend is the only person I've had sex with that I've had an emotional attachment to.

I'm struggling to work out what you mean by her being OK for me, but me not being OK for her? How could I not be ok for her?



Tilted 1 said:


> Is she clean and hygiene?
> Is she into it when you are sexual? Are you ?
> Is she in shape are you in shape?
> Are you addicted to porn?
> ...


She's massively into it - I'm not
I'm in great shape, I'm a sportsman. She's in OK shape.
I have a bad porn habit, admittedly.
Yes we are both definitely mentally ready for sex.
No, neither have ever begged for sex.
Either night or morning.
No, rarely ever planned out really.
We always do nice things for each other.



EleGirl said:


> How many hours a week do the two of you spend together doing things that you both enjoy, just the two of you. (Quality time?)


Every single weekend, and sometimes midweek. We always go out together, have nights in together, go on holiday's, weekends away.. everything!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Before you do anything you've got to quit porn....it's clouding your judgement.

It's one thing to want to play the field a bit, so if that's what you want I get it. But the fact that you can't climax tells me the porn has rewired your brain to the point that nothing else will work. Nobody can compete with porn.

Quit porn and then evaluate your relationship.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Stop jerking off.


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## talesofthe-twofoldmother (Dec 18, 2019)

I went through something similar like this with my first husband... like other responders here have said...

You need to stop watching the porn and masturbating so much, 4 days is not that much of a gap between your private moments with yourself.

You really need to flip off the switch/images in your mind of what sex is like in a porno, and come down to reality of it with your GF.

She seems to make you happy in all other areas, this seems like your issue not hers.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

It sounds to me like you need to stop watching porn, stop masturbating, and talk with your girlfriend about the problem. Men can get addicted to getting off to masturbation and then it gets harder and harder to get off with regular sex. 

Are you expecting your girlfriend to act like the girls in the porn you watch? Because most women do not act that way. 

Spend some time researching the effects of porn on your sex life as well as the "death grip" syndrome. I think you'll find that a lot of the problem with your sex life is because of your porn and masturbation habits.


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## SunsetOcean (Dec 29, 2019)

The porn and masturbation are clearly issues here, and I have just had a look at the death grip syndrome and this completely applies to me. I can only masturbate with one hand in the exact same way every time, so I'm going to knock that on the head right away.

Also, something else that has cropped up when speaking with an online therapist is;

- I may have a problem with sex with intimacy. 
- I have only ever enjoyed sex if I have no feelings towards the woman
- My problem is that I do care about my partner, and I see her as more a part of my family than someone I want to be having sex with. 
* 
This is my only real relationship, my only other experiences sexually have been one night stands, which I have had 50+ of prior to my girlfriend. 

Somewhat coincidently, the only other person I had sex 'multiple times' with, once I developed feelings beyond those of just wanting sex, I soon found I didn't enjoy the sex with her because I cared for her, and then I left her as a result, which left me heartbroken for a while (the only time I experienced heartbreak).


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

SunsetOcean said:


> The porn and masturbation are clearly issues here, and I have just had a look at the death grip syndrome and this completely applies to me. I can only masturbate with one hand in the exact same way every time, so I'm going to knock that on the head right away.
> 
> Also, something else that has cropped up when speaking with an online therapist is;
> 
> ...


I think you need some therapy to figure out why you have this need to separate intimacy from sex because they really are supposed to go together. 

Is your girlfriend aware that you can't get off while having sex with her?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

As others have said, its down to the damage the porn has done to your brain. Many men who watch a lot of porn can no longer have healthy sex with a real woman. Its up to you, unless you stop the porn you will never have a good sex life with her or anyone else.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

SunsetOcean said:


> The porn and masturbation are clearly issues here, and I have just had a look at the death grip syndrome and this completely applies to me. I can only masturbate with one hand in the exact same way every time, so I'm going to knock that on the head right away.
> 
> Also, something else that has cropped up when speaking with an online therapist is;
> 
> ...


Your honesty speaks greatly of you and I for one give you a 10+. Now to the issue at hand in what you have said, commitment is one of the issues here. You are half way there because you are honest here. And the porn star, actors as you know get to act for the length of the movie. But what you have is regret and what you think is unfulfillment be commitment cost you something you are not so easy to give away.

Because of your deepest lost in the GF of the past and where that place you was it exposed you and you thought it makes you look weak and vulnerable, the great news is it doesn't. But allows you to be open to a greater shared emotional and physical bond beyond what you could ever imagine. 

You are a person who strives for the ultimate goal of perfection, but you think it can only come about by you. Life is not this way! You understand this, and see all the warts and unattractive things up close and personal.

This is what makes us human and our need to accept and bond with another to assist us in our time need, and accept fully the flaws we each carry. Because you are half way there because you recognize YOUR FLAW! and lone masterbation is not the answer, you know and feel this. But your unwillingness does not allow you any space between it returns you to FEAR, in the sense of dependence on another to fill the void you hold close to your heart.

Your woman is of flesh and blood, may not have the body of a pornstar, but she's real and warm, with a smile that caught you, and you knowing there is something you lack but fear keeps you at a distance. Looking at you like a mirage, wavy and not clear but you think you see something but the distance is just too far for you to go and find out.

Take those steps and put one foot in front of the other repeat until it becomes clear and when you get to the object you wanted to see what it was and guess what it was the Oasis and the water is plentiful. All you need to do is put your hands into the water the drink from it.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

The answer is you Stay! Your post title


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hi, @SunsetOcean. I'm going to go out on a limb and presume you are either a Brit or, possibly, Irish.

Why? Because you spell counselling with the proper number of the letter l, and you use terms like "loves the bones off me" and "knock it on the head." :rofl:

You need to see a counsellor who specialises in sex therapy and who can help with your masturbation issues. 

These links might be of help to you.

https://www.nhs.uk/common-health-questions/sexual-health/what-does-a-sex-therapist-do/

https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-sex/sex-therapy

https://www.cosrt.org.uk/

https://www.netdoctor.co.uk/healthy-living/sex-life/a2267/who-to-contact-for-sex-therapy/

And you should stay with her. You have a great life, a great woman/life partner and a lovely family. 

Don't let chicken choking ruin it all for you, mate! :smthumbup:


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## perelectrical (Dec 24, 2019)

Maybe try holding out longer than 4 days without wanking the crank. It will definitely help. Also what kind of porn are you watching? I say that because I watch certain type of porn to help me do better. Jerking off is ok too, so long as you’re not overdoing it. 

What does she say when you can’t/don’t blow up at the end? Isn’t she concerned?

Are you involved in any kind of foreplay? Something that would stimulate you?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

SunsetOcean said:


> The porn and masturbation are clearly issues here, and I have just had a look at the death grip syndrome and this completely applies to me. I can only masturbate with one hand in the exact same way every time, so I'm going to knock that on the head right away.
> 
> Also, something else that has cropped up when speaking with an online therapist is;
> 
> ...


I too commend you for your honesty, and insight into the situation. Well done.

I'll add to the chorus of stop watching porn, that stuff is gross and real sex just isn't like that - and stop masturbating so often.

I encourage you to focus all your love on this lovely woman who loves you, and has been there for you when many would have walked away, kudo's to her. Work on your problem with intimacy and you will be rewarded a thousand times over. There is nothing in the world that compares to a loving, fulfilling sex life with another person who genuinely loves you.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Food for thought. I stumbled upon a quote today from books by Gary Zukav "The Heart of the Soul". 
"Compulsive activities in your life are your way of avoiding your emotions"

Sounds like you have some compulsions going on with porn and masturbating. What emotions are you avoiding?

Please don't commit this lovely lady to a lifetime of never feeling good enough or asking why.

If this is your issue, grab it by the b*lls (pun intended) and get to some sex counselling to face these issues.

This scenario is doomed to repeat itself with EVERY woman you encounter (and you have seen that truth in your past relationships) until you deal with it.

Deal with it. The hardest step is the first one.

Then you can make your relationship decisions with a clear conscience and a clear mind.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

In case your online therapist didn't tell you about this website:

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com

It has links to 100's of research papers, articles, videos, and blogs about the effects of porn on the brain and how to rewire your brain so it behaves the way it is supposed to.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

One other possibility. We've focused on the porn, but what about his only prior sexual experiences being 50 one night stands? Kind of defines casual sex. No prior relationships, just sex with different people. He's used to something different every time. He's not learned what it takes to make a long-term relationship, or even a short-term relationship, keep the fire going.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Casual Observer said:


> One other possibility. We've focused on the porn, but what about his only prior sexual experiences being 50 one night stands? Kind of defines casual sex. No prior relationships, just sex with different people. He's used to something different every time. He's not learned what it takes to make a long-term relationship, or even a short-term relationship, keep the fire going.


:iagree:

Yup, and therein lies the problem not only with SunsetOcean but also so many others now whose learned sexual experience is defined by sport-f**king and obsessive porn consumption/masturbation. 

Sexual junk food. 

It leaves them spiritually calloused, insensitive, oblivious to the bonding implicit/inherent in sexual intimacy. To the point of impotence.

Wham, Bam, Thank You Ma’am?? Where’s the intimacy in that?

Crippled for love.

Sad.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

SunsetOcean said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> 
> 
> Any advice will be so much appreciated!


First of all, do you climax on your own? If you do then the issue is between you two, If not then you may have an underlying issue on your own which you may be projecting onto your partner. 

If she has issues with low self esteem, it may be that the issues increase if she now thinks she is causing you problems. A lof of women would have lower self esteem if their men stopped climaxing with them. Its almost confirmation that they are not woman enough. So in a way your reaction to sex with her may be adding to her low self esteem and causing her deep psychological issues which make it harder to improve. 

There are a lot of women who never ever take a lead in sex in their homes. If they initiate at all it is never direct and the man has to guess whether they want to or not. Yet if he does not ask she would complain that he does not have sex with her. But if she knows he will not climax meaning he does not enjoy it with her or he does not love her, why would she initiate? 

Not sure what the solution is but you maybe the one to fish her out of the pit she is in by your sexual response.


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

You mentioned mental health issues.

Do you take medications for this?
A lot of medications for these things do create issues with climaxing, which in turn can cause you to turn to masturbation and porn because it takes you to a different area and then allows you to climax.

If you are on meds, research them and see if they cause any sexual disfunction and if they do, try to find something else that helps but does not have the same side effects and then work through the porn issue as it just could be a coping mechanism to deal with the side effect of the medication.


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

My gut instinct is both the porn AND your previous sexual history is causing these climax issues. More than likely your brain has been partially rewired from both of these and also masturbation technique that you mentioned too. 

I have a couple of thoughts that might help and also notice some similarities I hear from you, that I see in myself. 

I too have trouble climaxing with my girlfriend. But I do make it happen and to look at the positive, she gets added some benefit from it. 

A big part of this is my sexual history. My hang up is group sex, partner swapping, being watched, etc... while most people, especially guys, think this sounds amazing, it DOES NOT do any good for your long term sexual health. I believe that you could compare this to your casual hook up history. Both very exciting and also similar generally speaking. I do not recommend anything close to either of these for anyone. It most definitely does damages. But it’s not the end of the world either.

Mentally I have very vivid images and scenarios burned in my head from past experiences. Embarrassingly, sometimes I have to access these memories in order to fulfill my partners expectations of me reaching climax. Thinking about these things is not what I want when I’m with her and over time I access them less and less, but it has helped. I’m working very hard to not “need” do this when we’re having sex. That’s my goal and additionally I don’t discuss that with her yet. I want to, but it’s embarrassing and also could hurt her. It’s my issue, not hers and I want to fix me. I’m not necessarily recommending you do something like this. If you do however, make sure you realize this is not a permanent solution. It’s a crutch and not an ideal one for sure. I do this for her benefit and over time I’ve realized it becomes less and less necessary. 

Physically. Masturbation technique and simulating unrealistic sexual contact with yourself will basically numb you. However, I have found a couple of things that can help. 1. If your partner gets really wet, getting her a little more dry by using a towel or even the sheets if that doesn’t bother either of y’all, will seriously help with stimulation from added friction. Actually my girlfriend recommended this idea to me when noticing that it was taking me a little longer than it should have. It worked! Also, instead of getting everything all wet and ready to go beforehand, like is a common ritual for many with saliva and other foreign lubricants to the area(probably because porn), work yourselves together slowly and allow both your bodies natural lubrication to take care of it. The initial stimulation, prior to getting fatigue of working so hard, is a really big plus. 2. There is a technique she can do with two fingers that will simulate extra tightness and that can help. I won’t going to detail on this board and I’m sure you can use your imagination. However if you need to know more detail, PM me lol. 

Another thing is going to be her patience with you. If she is getting impatient with you, it will more than likely kill the chance of you reaching climax and in that case you could bring it up in a constructive way. My girlfriend has been extremely patient with me and very helpful. That has very much been a big part of being successful with her in the bedroom. And has allowed me to start dealing with my issues with myself, as opposed to hurting her. And for the record she does know my past sexual history. She knows everything.

I really hope that anything I’ve said here doesn’t offend anybody or break some rules that I’m unaware of. I am legitimately trying to help. If I have, please let me know.

And like everybody else on here has said already. Ditch the porn. 

I really, truly hope you can find a way to work this out with yourself. I believe you can. 



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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Stay and work on your issue, openly and honestly. However... DO NOT marry her or make any other big commitments with her until you either get this resolved, or come to the final conclusion, after putting in the effort, that it isn’t going to change. This is not a small, insignificant issue. 




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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

SunsetOcean said:


> Thanks for your reply. My masturbation is to porn, yes, I do and have watched a lot of porn since the age of 13 (I'm now 27).
> 
> I've never had a prior girlfriend, only one night stands. I've had about 50 one night stands before I got with my girlfriend, and such my only previous sexual experience was with people I had no real emotional attachment to. My current girlfriend is the only person I've had sex with that I've had an emotional attachment to.


You just answered your question. This is the problem.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

OP, your issue is seems like the classic porn abuse related stuff. 

1) Porn make the mental triggers to orgasm higher to achieve as the person have seen everything already and end up needing higher sexual charged and risky situations to make sex exiting and reach it (like ONS, role playing, swinging, cheating and stuff, and in time the trigger gets harder and harder to achieve) and it only thing that helps is witdrawal from porn (by my experience and showed by scientific research).

2) The grip and feeling and pace and everything from masturbating (with a hand) desensitize you penis making the feel of a vagina seem lose and being with another person who has way different pace than what youre used to with your hand makes it impossible to achieve climax.

3) Madonna x ***** complex (again, triggered by porn).

You case is probably only 1 and 3, because I bet you had no problem climaxing with ONS's who you weren't elotionally envolved with.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He hasn't been back since the day he started the thread. Apparently, he isn't too worried about it.


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## SunsetOcean (Dec 29, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> He hasn't been back since the day he started the thread. Apparently, he isn't too worried about it.


That's not true at all, I have been following the responses from my phone where I'm not logged in.

Thank you so much to everybody who has helped with their input and friendly advice.

I'm on Day 9 without any porn or masturbation, and I feel fine about it, and I am increasingly getting aroused by the thought of having sex with my partner. We last had sex 4 days ago, where I was reasonably close to climaxing, but it didn't happen, though it was certainly a step in the right direction.

We're giving it to the weekend and going for it again. 

Thanks again all.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Look into the "Madonna - *****" (wh0^e) complex. It throws some light on the very real complex some guys get hung on and it can be a mood killer for the guy.

It's regarding never being able to fully sexually enjoy a partner you care deeply for while you never ever have any problems being fully sexual with a partner you don't really care for you just want to boink her brains out.

Like you feel you're "degrading" some you feel you want to be in a ltr with but if she's potentially "the one" surely she's to much a "good girl" so she can't enjoy sex that much, how can you "be doing that to her" because she's got to be so "proper" to be "the one". Endless loop there.

Your small number of partners hasn't helped you get over this issue. And it's a real thing.

You've only cum twice in two years? Next time you finish yourself on her breasts, and you'll see she won't "faint" because you did.

Limit the porn, yes, but get over yourself here, or she'll be the one to start freaking out over it.

Even the "mothers of our children" like to be fully used and pounded sometimes. And freak out when you don't treat them like a real flesh and blood sexual being. 

You don't need more counseling on this.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

SunsetOcean said:


> That's not true at all, I have been following the responses from my phone where I'm not logged in.
> 
> Thank you so much to everybody who has helped with their input and friendly advice.
> 
> ...


Glad to see your fingers aren't broken.


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## Wife5362 (Oct 30, 2013)

Does your girlfriend try to help you come using her hands or by oral if you can’t come by piv? If not, have you asked her to help? After all, there’s more than one way to get there!


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