# Husbands obsession and how to move on knowing it



## Cherryfest (Apr 21, 2010)

My husband and I have been married for 5 years and he's the most wonderful, romantic, attentive man ever. BUT, 8 months after we married he posted his picture on a dating site and said he was single in order to get women to message him. He's a big guy with body issues and says it was just to see if women found him attractive and he would never have followed anything up. I believed him (against my better judgement) and we moved on after me not trusting him for years after. In December last year I actually got up the courage to tell him that I DID now trust him. It took a lot for me to tell him that. 
In Jan (2 weeks after), I came home from a driving lesson and the air was thick with deceit. I can't expalin it any other way but i just knew something was wrong. Anyway to cut a long story short I discovered on his PC and iphone 2000 pictures of naked women, 3 paid site memberships and various bookmarks and links etc all hidden with downlodable software. All of this was collected over the space of one month! BUT, the main thing that hurt me is that ALL his favorite galleries were blonde, flat chested, size 0 girls. Ever since the day we met he has had no particular interest in blondes and has dissuaded me from dying my hair when I've mentioned it in the past. If even ONE had been brunette then ok, but it was that specific and I feel that his tastes have changed and I can't let go of what I've seen. He says the interest in blondes was 'virtual' and never spilled into real life. Can this be possible? 
He says he did it because he had nothing in his life and felt threatened by me driving. I see that's an issue and he has now started a hobby to get a social circle and we have made various changes to (try) to ensure that this issue never comes into our lives again. He has always been an obsessive person with everything and he tells me this is the same which is why there was so much in such a short time period. He is SO trying to make amends and in fairness his behaviour toward me never changed, he was always attentive and romanitc and our sex life was great. 
The thing is, even with the help of a counsellor I can't seem to trust that this is the end of it as internet women (porn and pictures) have been in his life since he was a teenager. I also can't move on from the blondes thing and I feel so insecure. It's like no matter what he says I've SEEN the blondes obsession so he can't deny it. Could me finding out make it less interesting? Also the previous stuff years ago wasn't blondes, this is VERY sudden. 
Please don't suggest wearing a blonde wig as I don't wish to feel cheap or buy into this interest. We DO share porn, we DO talk openly and I have had NO self esteem issues until this last discovery. How do I move on when he is trying so very hard to stop this?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Cherryfest said:


> He's a big guy with body issues and says it was just to see if women found him attractive and he would never have followed anything up.
> 
> He says the interest in blondes was 'virtual' and never spilled into real life. Can this be possible?
> 
> He says he did it because he had nothing in his life and felt threatened by me driving.


what do you mean he's threatened by you driving? I think i would be hurt more then anything if my H told me he had 'nothing' in his life. 

I think your H has some serious self-esteem issues. i have also been trying to move on after finding a lot of porn on my H's computer, and him pushing me away constantly. it helps a lot that my H goes to counseling and has put site blockers on his computer. that doesnt solve all the problems because there are a million other ways he can get porn if he wants it, but he seems to be more emotionally responsive, too. that is a huge sign. 

But as far as me getting past all the lies and my H pushing me away for years- i dont really know if i can. i am keeping myself very busy right now so i dont think about it that often, but sometimes i do think about how low i feel and i just want to leave. I dont think about my marriage much anymore. i rarely think about my H. i used to work on the marriage all the time, but now i focus only on myself. keeping the relationship is not a top priority for me. that might change in time, but for now its the only way i know of to get past it.


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## Overwhelmed (Apr 15, 2010)

I would never agree with it being appropriate for a married person to be posting ads on dating sites listing themself as single, and for him to claim it was merely some sort of ego boosting exercise is justification for unexcusable behaviour. 

Presuming you made it known to him that he is/ was an attractive, desirable man to you, then he had no reason to seek affirmation of his attractiveness from other sources: his own insecurities led him down that path. 

It is perfectly understandable that you experienced lingering trust issues afterwards. Did he do anything to regain your trust or was it just something which came back over time?

Does he or is he willing to attend counselling, either with you or on his own? Any explanation for why exactly he is obsessed with skinny blondes? What does he find particularly attractive about them? Do you believe he actively wants to change his behaviour or is just going through a guilt induced make up period? ( As far as it possibly only being a virtual obsession...well, my ex had a thing for porn featuring shemales, but I don't think he ever acted on it in real life...Does your hubby check out blondes when you are out with him in public?)

You said he feels threatened by your learning to drive? Why? 

DO you have friends whom you see socially or is most of your time spent with your husband? 

In order to try and regain your trust this time, is he willing to live his life as an open book? Permit you to randomly check his PC and iphone? Provide passwords to his email accounts? 

And he has to realize that he may have a long road ahead of him before you are willing to accept that he is a changed man - that the pace set will be one of your choosing, and not pressure you to "just get over it" in any way.


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## Cherryfest (Apr 21, 2010)

Hiya guys,

Yes we have talked (calmly) and seen a counsellor at great expense and my husband absolutly assured me that unless he was totally honest about everything then we couldn't move on and repair our marriage. I listened and agreed and felt a bit better that at long last he was being honest. THEN, last night I discovered that he had also been viewing girls on webcam. 

After ALL the talking, assurances, counselling etc he was STILL lying to me after having every opportunity to come clean. Seriously, I just think he must be a serial liar. Why he does this I have no idea because he knows full well I'll find out because i have a vested interest in doing so. What on EARTH do i do now? The next step is actual chatting then most probably cheating. Do I really sit around waiting for the next step and more lies? Now I'm all cried out and just plain furious.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Cherryfest said:


> Do I really sit around waiting for the next step and more lies? Now I'm all cried out and just plain furious.


im so sorry for you. you've got to decide when to draw the line in the sand. the guy is a complete jerk.


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## Cherryfest (Apr 21, 2010)

You're absolutly right Bianca. All the things I've wanted to do but never done it out of loyalty to my husband. Well, not out of anger or sadness I've decided to do one thing I've always wanted to do. Next weekend I'm off to a lapdancing club with friends and am going to have myself a lapdance from a sexy lady! 
If he can indulge his fantasies while refusing to aknowledge mine then I'll take matters into my own hands and make changes myself. Will I feel better? Too right I will!


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## schmitt1014 (Jul 20, 2010)

I can tell you almost the exact same thing happened to me. Only I found out cause my husband cheated on me and kissed a girl from his passed. We did not live together our first 9 months of marriage due to work. But shortly after we got married I got pregnant. After my husband moved with me I found out he kissed another girl. But that just opened the door to all the other problems we were having. I later found out that he spent hundreds of dollars on phone sex, registerd porn sites, and also put him self on dating sites. This was all over a period of 7 months that I found that out. We have been married not even 2 yrs yet and I don't know if we will make it that far. We saught counseling and our counseler told him like it was. If you love her you will stop. She is not going to go through the hurt and pain you have caused her again. SO next time that porn looks tempting or you think about it think about how it would be to lose your wife and son. Since then...maybe a month things have been ok. I still do not trust him nor do I think I will for a very long time. But once I told him one more slip up and I will be gone no questions asked he has realized how much he hurt me and is very remorseful and willing to get individual counseling. don't know if that helps or not but thought I would let you know that you are not alone in the situation


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