# EA last year and now what this year?



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Married almost 28 years. Came back from Iraq almost two years ago, bronze star, combat action badge, etc, etc. I was damn proud to have served in combat as one of the old guys. Kept the marriage fires gone the entire time I was there. Came home and it was like a honeymoon. Our marriage could not have been better - good communication, intimacy, etc. Then Facebook. Our agreement was that anyone of the opposite sex who friend requested us had to meet with the OS approval. Three days before my b-day a dude friend requested my wife. No problem - he had a family, father was a minister, he was involved in his church. I come home from work and it is Friday and my b-day, my wife and I have plans for the night, but I am not feeling well. My two boys (in their twenties) are there to greet me and wish me a happy b-day like they do every year. Hugs, then my wife comes up to me and kisses me and says, hey you are burning up. I am sick and end up going to bed. 

Keep in mind that my wife is perky, excited to see me, and happy.

The next morning we were going to buy an antique hutch for our business and I get up not feeling well and my wife gives me the cold shoulder and tells me to go myself. This is entirely out of character for her. We do a lot of things together and she was excited about the purchase but blew it off. I am not feeling well and tell her I will go myself. As I am driving to buy the antique I end up driving to the hospital instead. They think I have Rocky Moutain Spotted Fever (the doc was correct) and they want to admit me. I call my wife and she is concerned about the car and how will I get it home. WTH-she does not care that I am sick (again not my normal caring wife). I am sent home instead with a treatment of pills for the next month of so. I go to bed and my normally caring wife is home but absent the entire weekend while I am laying in bed sick. MY WIFE HAS CHANGED ALMOST OVERNIGHT.

From that weekend forward for over a month my wife:

Hardly talks to me
Always on her computer or texting on her phone
Breaks down after a few weeks and says she needs me in her life and I tell her that I have not changed but she has (break down last a few minutes but that is all that is said).

Over a month later my wife and I decide to use my nephew's hot tub for a quiet night together. My nephew moved and his house is for sale and we have permission to use his hot tube until the house is sold. It is a Friday night around 9:00 P.M. and my wife decides to take a bath before going to the hot tub. I go downstairs and my computer is closed and hers is open. I decide to check the news, emails etc. I have never checked my wife's computer. I got the shock of my life. She was still logged on (I did not know her password). Her email was opened and she was pleading with this dude not to break up with her, that she loves him, cares for him, has emotions for him, etc. etc. There is wicked sex talk. This was the Facebook friend that I OK'd. I confront my wife. She blows it off as flirting and I go over the e-mails and tell her that it is not flirting that she is saying she loves this guy. She talks me into going to the hot tub and makes love to me. It is a three day weekend and I decide not to talk to her at all - I am mad, feel used.

I go to work Tuesday and I am given a gift from God. I can't do this stuff now but I hack and figure everything out about her accounts. I get all kinds of stuff - it is like I the am IT nerd from hell. Even on a government computer which would normally not give me access I get everything I need.

I confront my wife - all she does is lie, lie, lie.

I know just about everything and she just keeps lying about it until I show her proof. Then she confesses. This goes on about everything. I question her, she lies, I show her the evidence, she confesses. I have to drag out the truth from her. Till this day she did not confess anything unless I brought it up, then she would lie until I showed her the proof. I go into counseling. She does not. We talk everyday. She shows remorse. I forgive her. We were making progress. 

I am tracking her computer (she knows this). 

We have a great 9 months or so and then red flags. I could write a book. 

All the signs are here again. This time my youngest son (25 years old) brings up the issue, "that mom is not acting right, I think she might be cheating". My youngest son and my wife are very very close and he thinks the world of her, so for him to approach me about this is alarming but I tell him that I already know and share with him about the past and do not confront her about it.

The signs started again around April 2011.

Just a few moments ago my youngest son calls me and says he put a GPS tracking device on his mother's car (legally my car). He activated it last night on his car and the program is fantastic as I have been following him around all day and I work in another city.

I took a great job in another city about a month ago and live there during the week. I will do this until we buy a second house. So i only come home on weekends.

Signs:

1. My wife became distant emotionally and sexually around April.
2. My wife always keeps her cell phone on and handy. Always calls back or responds with a text within about 15 minutes. Always jumps to get her phone when it rings. About two months ago she stopped paying attention to her phone. Several times (this is what tipped my son off that her behavior changed) my wife called my two sons to tell them not to bother her since she is going out shopping in the evening. My wife does not shop in the evening. Once or twice she even did her hair before she went shopping (my wife always puts her hair back and puts on a cap to shop (she never ever does her hair when she goes out shopping, NEVER). She turned her phone off (I am tracking this). She never ever turned her phone off, NEVER. She is gone several times for over six hours (approx 5 P.M. to around 11 P.M.). Does not answer the phone during this time. Then calls me (around 11 P.M.) to tell me she was out shopping. Several weeks ago she was suppose to pick up our oldest son (special needs). She called him and said I will pick you up late, don't bother me, I will be in contact with you later. My son walked home through a bad part of town. He called me and told me the story. My wife was always there for our son. WTH. Her excuse to me was, I was out shopping, went to pick up our son and he was not there. She told me she just left the mall. It was 10:45 P.M. The mall closes at 9:30 and it takes 5 minutes to get to where my son was. Now she was waiting for my son at 10:45. What was she doing? She was shopping for christmas lights for 6 hours for our business. My wife gets new lights every year (my youngest son brought this up), she goes every year to do this, but she goes during the day and buys the cheaps ones (we throw them away each year). She is quick about it as she hates to shop. Not this year. I am letting her hang herself and do not confront her. I told her over the weekend that K-mart has the lights she is looking for and she looks at me and says, don't you remember, we bought lights earlier in the year when you took me to an Army conference. I already knew that, but again, I am not confronting her. My youngest son brought up the fact that "mom" is not answering the phone when she is gone shopping for 6 hours and he said the story of the christmas lights was lame as he knows her patterns.
3. My wife rarely has sex with me when I come home on the weekends. My wife has always been sexually active. But the few times we had sex during the last month she is like an animal. Last week she grabbed my penis and said, give me that thing, while it is big and hard. She has never done that before. She is not a prude. But she has never done this before.
4. Her weight is down. Same as last year when she did this. She is not eating. She is down to a size "0". My wife is normally a size 2. She is not anorexic but will be if she looses more weight. She claims stress and that she wants to look better.
5. She is looking gaunt. Like last year.
6. Shetold me on a recent phone call that she is running because she says she has all this energy. My wife never ran in her life and she is fifty years old. When I am home she is tired and goes to bed early. Says, she has no energy.
7. When I am home on the weekends she stays busy with chores around the home. My wife rarely did housework on the weekends and always spent time with me. Now I am not home during the week to slop things up, so again, WTH.
8. Several weeks ago I heard a muffled cell phone ringing in the room where I was sitting. Even my dog started to bark. My phone was in my shirt pocket and my wife's phone was next to me and it was not those phones. I mentioned it to my wife who shortly after I heard a cell phone ring a second time came down from upstairs and she looked alarmed and said, oh, it was my son's phone ringing upstairs. I pretend not to pay much attention to it. I go outside and call my son (who happens to have his phone on him miles away). She brings it up the next day, once in the morning and once in the evening that I heard my son's phone. WTH- I did not bring up the issue and pretended to blow it off by saying, yea, it must had been his phone. His phone rings differently anyway then what I heard. I believe she is smarter this time and has a second untracable phone. I wish I would have torn the room apart as I now believe it was stuffed down one of the cushions.
9. Thanksgiving - I have to order from Cracker Barrel. She always cooked a big meal. I have to order food for my wife, my two sons and myself. She will not even order the food and I am in another city right now.
10. Her computer broke in July. Smashed on the floor. She blamed it on the dogs. She was watching her brother's house (an hour away) while he, his wife and five kids spent a month in Europe. She insisted that I buy her a new laptop right away, even though she could use her brother's computer. I had to get overnight delievery. No software tracking on her new computer and I just let it go. One agreement we had was she was suppose to keep all her history. She has her new computer set up where the history is not kept at all.
11. She does not call me. In the past she would call me several times a day. If I do not call there is nothing. when I do she is short with me. I called her recently and my youngest son was there. I was excited that I will be getting another promotion in less then a year. I was elated as I already got a big promotion when I transferred here and now I am being told that I will be promoted once i pass an exam in April. My son told me that he was there and my wife just kept rolling her eyes and had me on speaker phone and was not interested. My son told me that "mom" always gave me her undivided attention when I called, but this time she could have cared less. i remember that call as when I hung up the phone I was pissed because I could tell that she could care less.
11. There is more but this post is already too long.

I am doing the 180, chilling, waiting for her to slip up. I am not the emotional wreck I was last year. I will track her car, and my son will track her as well. We have several plans in place once we find that she is not where she says she was or is. I think she is seeing someone in a town nearby. My wife is miserable - not her happy, loving, perky normal self.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Are you waiting for a videotape?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

The actions of your wife clearly indicate that she has no respect for you or your marriage. Apparently now you are the door prize. If the roles were reversed do you think she would not have already seen an attorney. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Consult your attorney to understand your options. I wish you luck.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Your kids can see it but you dont want to.

What would you think constitute sufficient evidence for you to act? The sex act?

Can you afford to hire a private detective?

Or, why dont you surprise her one day at her boyfriend's now that you have the GPS in the car?

In the meantime, start preparing yourself financially and legally. For example, cancel any joint bank accounts and credit cards. Hide your money and assets.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Are you being careful about STDs? Don't know what you are waiting on. Please explain what else you need.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I want something tangible. I want hard evidence to avoid any shadow of me being paranoid or irrational. I want this for me. If the GPS shows that she is at X and she tells me that she is at Y that is all I need. Once I have the evidence I will not tell her about it. I will simply file for divorce. She does not deserve an explanation. My sons do, she does not.

Unfortunately, our assets will go 50/50. My attorney believes that I may even end up paying alimoney, go figure. Depends on the judge and we do not decide who the judge is. She may even get part of my military and civilian retirement. My attorney is certain that she will get it. Again, go figure. It is not really legal to hide assets and honestly all ours at this time are shared. I have been advised to be clean on our finances as it will be hell to pay in court if I show any type of misconduct. 

Marital misconduct has no bearing on how the courts in our state divide up our assets though it can have a bearling on alimoney. So the cleaner I am the better off I could be. No promises.

Financially, I will take a big hit at the beginning but in the long run I will be OK. 

Unsure of how my wife will fare. Her brother is very wealthy and they were very close up till about a month ago. I can't figure out why but that relationship is odd right now. I think he may have gotten wind of something and has really distance himself from her. He left the ministry after getting burned out a few years ago and he is fairly perceptive. He recently came into money after his baby daughter died early this year and they were awarded a very large sum of money (millions) for medical malpractise. In the long run though he will take care of her no matter what she has done.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

STD's - hell I did not even think about it in my case. 

Thanks


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why not just hire a PI and be done with it?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Thor,

Does it matter? I think from now on you will be second guessing everything she does, being on constant vigil with her, for ever.
Is that the way you want to spend the rest of your life doing? Living in distrust and stress like that?

Find a good woman again. One that you can trust again. The mental "quietness" you get from not having to watch and worry is the most amazing feeling in the world.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Move you money to your sons.

Why are you bring passive, is that what you got taught during your tours. Bring her wourld cashing down hard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

She's definitely cheating by the sounds of it. If you need evidence then hire a PI, put a var in her car. The problem with a gps tracker is that if she drives to the mall and the OM picks her up, well it will look like she is where she is supposed to be. Everyday you spend with this woman is wasted when it can be spent with someone worthy of your love and respect.

Many thank's for your service, I'm so sorry you are here.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Alright, I see that you're one of those people that need proof positive that she's in an affair. BTW, I'm one of those too. That way she can't deny, gaslight, or trickle truth her way out of this. The question is what do you plan to do when you find out the truth? 

I second the opinion to hire a PI. It's always best to hire a PI if you can afford to do so. If not, then you will have to do the investigating on your own. And a PI can't investigate her while she's in your house, you will have to help with that. 

You got to hear what most of us BSs have never gotten: You actually heard her secret affair phone ring. She was actually careless enough to forget to put the thing on vibrate or silent mode. So you know for sure she has one of the prepaid burner phones.

This is what you need to do help get the proof that you need for your own peace of mind so you can let her go:


First, NEVER assume that it is an EA. ALWAYS assume it has gone PA until proven otherwise. 
Hire a PI if you can afford one for tracking her movements outside the home. GPS's are great, but can be worked around, especially if an OM picks her up and takes her somewhere using his vehicle.
Buy at least a couple of VARs (Voice Activated Recorders). Install one under the drivers seat of her vehicle using industrial strength velcro. You can get a VAR at your local Wally World, Best Buy, or other electronics store. Sure, VARs can be worked around also, but you will eventually get a hit if you're patient. Cheaters are ALWAYS in constant communication with each other - they can't resist it. One place they feel safe in talking with their affair partner is in their vehicle because of the privacy. Another good place to hide a VAR is in the bedroom and the master bathroom if possible. 
Install a keylogger on any and all computers that she uses. Like I said, cheaters are ALWAYS in constant communication with each other because they are so "in love" and deep in the fog of their affair. A good one is Web Watcher or Spector Pro. I use Spy Agent, but wouldn't recommend it.
Unfortunately, you may have to check her panties too. They do have home semen detection kits that you can order online. If it has gone PA, the vast majority of the time, it's unprotected sex. What this means is that you will have to abstain from sex with her for a while, which should be no problem, because she is probably already not having sex with you.

By all the red flags you posted, you WILL get evidence of the affair, and I would bet this has gone PA. The task now is to discover if it has gone PA and who the OM and if he is married or not. Most likely OM is married, so you will have to find out the contact information for the OMW. That way you will be able to expose the affair to his own betrayed wife.

Whatever you do, do not compromise your sources. Start your 180 and start separating your finances. Lawyer up and find out what your options are.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

She's already had that toxic idea in her head: "Y'know-maybe I really CAN do better than him, and I've already proved that I can indeed attract other men..."


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The fact that she has a burner phone means a couple of things:

1. It's pretty sure it's gone PA. She wouldn't be using a burner phone at this point for a "we're just friends" guy

2. You're dealing with experienced cheaters - likely on both sides

3. The OM is married and will be using a burner on his end. If he wasn't married he wouldn't go to the trouble of getting your WW a burner phone.


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