# Why did I get married and what do I do now? Married too young...



## invited4doubles69 (Mar 21, 2013)

This is complicated... but I really need help 

H and I got married when I was 21 - just out of college - and he was 24. I grew up in a really stable family, with no drug or alcohol problems, my dad was a cop and my mom a nurse - I never got in trouble and the lowest grade I ever got was a B. I breezed through school and got my Bachelor's without a problem. Guess you could say I'm smart. I had drive and passion instilled in me when I was younger and I always knew I would go places.

I went through some rough stuff when I was a teenager with my best friend getting killed and then getting in an abusive relationship I think to punish myself because of the guilt from my best dying. H was the one who came along and pulled me out of that abusive relationship and made me feel human again. I completely overlooked the fact that his entire family has drug or alcohol problems and that he has some major learning disabilities. He saved me and I owed him, so the fact that I was basically his mother was okay... for a while.

Now, I'm 24 and we're considering having kids. OH NO!!! is all I can think. I have a great professional career and spent a lot of time around CEOs of major corporations, and my husband has no filter on his immature mouth. He drinks or smokes pot ALL THE TIME and I feel like we can't even have fun anymore sober. I feel like the only thing we have in common is liking to party - which I never even really liked to do much anyway. Then, to top it off, his learning disability is likely genetic and I honestly don't want to have more of him running around. He can't even spell his own middle name, let alone live life without someone helping him along.

He's a great man and really tries hard for me. He made some huge sacrifices in his life and basically saved mine when we were younger. But now - now I don't know if I want to be his mother for the rest of his life - in addition to mother to his kids. I am terrified that his "love" for smoking pot and drinking alcohol will become more than that like it has the rest of his family.

In addition - I have a best friend who's a guy who has been there for me through everything. We've known each other since we were little kids and he's been in love with me for ages. I've always had a curiosity in the back of my mind about how things would be with him, but he was "engaged" when H and I got married. Now he's not and I can't seem to shut out the feeling that he's my other half that I never knew was missing.

I considered separating from the H for a while - I never really lived my own life - went straight from living with the fam to marriage - but is that the right thing? Are my feelings for my best guy friend just "greener grass?" Will I ever get over feeling like I settled just because of the things H did for me when we first got together? And is the fact that I don't want to recreate more of him really a big deal? I asked my family that and they don't seem to think so... but I mean - I have to pay bills, take care of the house.. be responsible for basically everything now. Do I want to populate this earth with more people like that? And even if they aren't like that - what if something happens to me? Will he be able to take care of them? Will he remember that today's Monday and the kids need to go to school? 

Somebody, anybody... please help.


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## thelovetrip (Mar 19, 2013)

Very simple question to ask yourself. Are you with H because you want him or because you need him? If you WANT to be with him you will find a way to stay, if you NEED to be with him then you're in it for the wrong reasons. 

As far as the other guy....think of what your saying! 

* "I have a best friend who's a guy who has been there for me through everything. We've known each other since we were little kids and he's been in love with me for ages. I've always had a curiosity in the back of my mind about how things would be with him, but he was "engaged" when H and I got married. Now he's not and I can't seem to shut out the feeling that he's my other half that I never knew was missing"*

Are you so out of love or confused about your H that you believe the stories in your own head? How do you know this guy loves you, because he said so in your weakest moments, or because he said he has since he was a kid? Who knows true love for the opposite sex as a child? Is your curiosity about this guy an imagination built from disgust of your H? 

You need to answer these questions. You do have the answers to them, it's time to be honest with yourself, real honest. It's time to believe in yourself and stop acting on impulsive emotions.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

No, this is not complicated. Here are a few questions to get started.

Why did you marry your husband?

Did you ever feel love for your husband, or is it appreciation for having a white knight?

Now for some commentary by me...

Do you feel like you are a superior person and that your husband is beneath you? 


> my husband has no filter on his immature mouth. He drinks or smokes pot ALL THE TIME and I feel like we can't even have fun anymore sober. I feel like the only thing we have in common is liking to party - which I never even really liked to do much anyway. Then, to top it off, his learning disability is likely genetic and I honestly don't want to have more of him running around. He can't even spell his own middle name, let alone live life without someone helping him along.


Despite these flaws, you think he's a great man?


> He's a great man and really tries hard for me. He made some huge sacrifices in his life and basically saved mine when we were younger.


I think a part of your OP is quite telling, and it explains more about you than any insight about your husband. You're ashamed of him, and you probably don't want strangers to know that you married this man.


> I have a great professional career and spent a lot of time around CEOs of major corporations, and my husband has no filter on his immature mouth.


Your post even touches on eugenics, and I would have never thought I'd see a post that involved eugenics before in a forum like this...


> Then, to top it off, his learning disability is likely genetic and I honestly don't want to have more of him running around. He can't even spell his own middle name, let alone live life without someone helping him along.... Do I want to populate this earth with more people like that?


News flash for ya: Two smart people can still have children that have mental impairments. 

I think the way you talk about your husband on here was very insulting and demeaning. Do you really love this man? Have you truly loved this man before? Your husband needs help. If you actually loved him, you would do your best to help him through his afflictions. 

But to top it off, you are looking to leave your husband for another man...or possibly cheat on your husband. 

But let's get to it. Do you love the man or have you ever loved the man at all? That's the first thing we need to explore. From there we can see where this goes.


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## invited4doubles69 (Mar 21, 2013)

Wow, Plan 9, thank you for being so helpful. When I posted an honest and deeply personal problem, I WAS looking for insolent and insinuating comments from strangers, so THANKS. 
I never said I would cheat - I've had plenty of opportunities and have stepped away from each and every one of them. That's why I'm looking for advice. 
Lovetrip - thanks for the comment. What if this is all just in my head. How do I work this crap out without hurting the H or making more problems for myself than I've already got?


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Can't agree more than what Lovetrip and Plan just said above. 

Do you want him or need him? Have you ever loved him at all?


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## invited4doubles69 (Mar 21, 2013)

Well, I don't NEED anybody. I'm doing really well for myself, actually. 
As for the love - I don't know. It's hard to tell between love and affection. I don't LIKE him anymore.. most of the time.. Not like I used to. His issues and quirks just drive me crazy.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I'm married to a man similar to your husband, minus the drinking and pot smoking. Right now, if I could go back in time, I wouldn't have kids with him (assuming of course I could get the exact kids I have with any man, because my kids are the best in the world).

Long story short, I can't trust him with the kids. God forbid anything should happen to me, because he's not capable of taking care of them on his own. It's a huge burden for me, and I resent it.

If you want to do the hard work of rebuilding your relationship it can probably be done, but you have to really want it, and so does your husband. If I were you, that would mean no heavy drinking and absolutely no pot. After 6 months or so with no pot, you might be surprised how mentally present he is. Your opinion of him might change a lot. Or it might not.

You need to talk to him. Tell him that the pot smoking is unacceptable. My H smoked nearly daily when I first met him, and I told him I didn't date potheads. He quit smoking immediately. But, he told me he was happy to have the motivation to stop, so it wasn't a battle or anything. He was ready to quit, just needed the kick in the pants.

Then, if he's willing and able to stop using drugs, read parenting books together. His willingness to learn about how to care for a a baby and different discipline techniques will tell you a lot about what kind of parent he'll be. I can't even tell you how many books about pregnancy, infancy, childhood, development and parenting I've read. My H, none. I used to bookmark pages with post-it notes and thoughts for us to discuss... nothing. I'm not saying there's a right or wrong way to prepare for parenthood, but there are ways to be very incompatible, and you guys sound like you're in danger of being incompatible.

Finally, forget about your friend! If you and your H do separate, you'll need time to figure out who you are and what you want in a partner. DO NOT JUMP RIGHT IN TO THE NEXT RELATIONSHIP!!!! Take a year at least!!! Please!

Good luck and use birth control until you get this sorted out!


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

invited4doubles69 said:


> Wow, Plan 9, thank you for being so helpful. When I posted an honest and deeply personal problem, I WAS looking for insolent and insinuating comments from strangers, so THANKS.
> I never said I would cheat - I've had plenty of opportunities and have stepped away from each and every one of them. That's why I'm looking for advice.
> Lovetrip - thanks for the comment. What if this is all just in my head. How do I work this crap out without hurting the H or making more problems for myself than I've already got?


C'mon...reread your post and tell me again that what I typed was baseless. Look at how you described your husband. Some of it is legitimate - the excess drinking and smoking pot - but telling us you're worried about his defective genes being transferred to your kids? Telling us that he can't even spell his own name because he's that helpless? It's hugely disrespectful to the man. How would he feel if he saw this in writing? 

You basically said the guy should never procreate in not so many words. Normally when I've seen statements like this (or heard them spoken) there were intended to be the vilest of insults. 

So if you want to see whether this can be salvaged or not, you need to determine if you can see the man as a human being worthy of respect and deserving of love...or do you see him as how you described him in your OP.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> but telling us you're worried about his defective genes being transferred to your kids? Telling us that he can't even spell his own name because he's that helpless? It's hugely disrespectful to the man. How would he feel if he saw this in writing?


I'm with Plan 9 fully here. My H has dyslexia and an auditory processing disorder. If our kids inherit any of those things (they don't appear to have, our older DD was reading at two and a half), then we'll get them the support they need. I'd never not have kids with him because of that. There are no perfect children, just like there are no perfect adults. You're not ready to have kids until you're ready to be the best parent you can to the ones you get, disabilities or no.


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