# Becoming a sexless marriage



## mojo 64 (Aug 31, 2019)

Hi I'm new here and the reason i joined in for some advice or guidance, I'm in my second marriage and I am 68 my wife is 75 and very fit and active.

We have been married 10 years and all was ok at first, in fact it was great sex wise but now I realise that it is always me that has to initiate sex.

Never has she started anything!
Its getting worse now because there are excuses why she doesn't want sex, too tired, can we leave it until tomorrow, [only tomorrow rarely arrives]

I think my wife is beautiful and very sexy looking so its not easy for me to wait and wait. She says she enjoys sex but we used to be 3 times a week and then 2 times and and now she seems to be thinking Sunday once a week is good! sorry but it isn't for me.

I have told her many many times that i need sex at least twice a week and she says ok, but its amazing how she can always be doing something else that has got in the way. It is becoming a serious problem, very serious.

I'm worried i will be tempted by another woman somehow somewhere, 
Me? Oh I love to see women in heels and skirts what a wonderful sight, but this is so rare at our house anymore, its so sad because my wife looks stunning in heels.

I've tried getting through to her how important sex is for me but she just doesn't seem to get it. I'm becoming close to giving up and tired of chasing.


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## mojo 64 (Aug 31, 2019)

I could really do with some advice here as my wife thinks sex is something we should do rarely, its getting me down as she is a really sexy looking woman. I've told her about my needs and she say ok and she understands but Nothing changes


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

mojo 64 said:


> I could really do with some advice here as my wife thinks sex is something we should do rarely, its getting me down as she is a really sexy looking woman. I've told her about my needs and she say ok and she understands but Nothing changes


Maybe at 75 she is slowing down a bit? Once a week at 75 seems ok to me. You want more, but you will have to find a way to compromise... has she told you exactly why she is not that much into sex anymore?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Maybe she is experiencing pain and dryness. And should look into some lube to assist her and you. It's way too early to be on the defensive mode. Ask her if this could help.

Yes l read your intro but just a thought.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

In Absentia said:


> Maybe at 75 she is slowing down a bit? Once a week at 75 seems ok to me. You want more, but you will have to find a way to compromise... has she told you exactly why she is not that much into sex anymore?


Not so sure about that "slowing down" stuff because it's a moving target; some would say it starts at 30, or 40, or 50, or... point being, there are examples here of people who are most definitely not slowing down as they get older. And many who are slowing down at a far younger age. The approach likely has to change as you enter that time of your life where mortality is playing cruel games with your mind, and regardless of what some say, sex is very much in the mind, not just the body.

And yet, having said all that, a 68 & 75 year old... the difference in age might create increasingly-different ways of looking at things as you get nearer to having to think about things like assisted living and such.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

I hope I will still be having it more than once a week at age 75. That would be very welcome. Thank you for that good hope. You set a good example.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

A 75 year old woman in heels? Sounds like a recipe for a broken hip.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I'm in my 60's and wear heels, but only rarely. You should really give up on the heels thing if she is 75. You have no idea how painful they are to walk in as you get older. It doesn't matter how fit you are.

Re the sex, I would talk very frankly with her so that you know very clearly what her physical status is at her age. Are you OK with once a week? If so, it sounds like she can do that. You will have to initiate, though, if the frequency is your choice, not hers. Things really do become more difficult as we get older, no matter what shape we are in. (Lots of men in their 50's, 60's, and 70's look much younger than they are, but need viagra to have sex. Time marches on.)


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

mojo 64 said:


> Never has she started anything!
> Its getting worse now because there are excuses why she doesn't want sex, too tired, can we leave it until tomorrow, [only tomorrow rarely arrives]
> 
> I'm becoming close to giving up and tired of chasing.


I don't have any answers for you, if I did, I would do them in my own marriage. My wife is not attracted to me sexually. That's the problem. She doesn't lack sex drive, but the guy has to be "alpha". He has to have money, prestige, power. Rock star, TV actor, etc.

She married me because I was "safe" and "secure" - good income, committed christian, she gets a stable home, maybe not the most expensive, but high-quality and in a good neighborhood, drives a new car, can feed 8 cats inside and 15 more outside, etc.

Sex is not part of her "world". She can go without it forever. The other stuff is "more important". Given a choice between me and her grandchildren, I assure you I will be sent to hell in a flaming rowboat. Her attraction to other men, to her, is "not a problem". It's "only a fantasy".....she's not actually chasing them or seeking to have sex with them, "for real"..... I just didn't win the genetic lottery....

She and I place diametrically opposite values on sex. To me, sex is not the "most important" thing, it's, by God, the ONLY thing.
Everything else that I actually get from marriage ?? I can get it better, cheaper, faster outside the marriage.....

I don't need marriage to have a "friend", a "companion", a "housekeeper", or someone to iron my shirts and ties. And I damned well don't need somebody who spends 80% of my money, and tries to tell me what to do about everything.....and, I'm far to bloody old to have kids.....

I told her, the other day.... "...there's nothing in this for me.....". I could get sex three times a year from a call girl for 5% of what this stupid marriage costs me.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

TJW said:


> I don't have any answers for you, if I did, I would do them in my own marriage. My wife is not attracted to me sexually. That's the problem. She doesn't lack sex drive, but the guy has to be "alpha". He has to have money, prestige, power. Rock star, TV actor, etc.
> 
> She married me because I was "safe" and "secure" - good income, committed christian, she gets a stable home, maybe not the most expensive, but high-quality and in a good neighborhood, drives a new car, can feed 8 cats inside and 15 more outside, etc.
> 
> ...


t/j This is a real question for you, TJW. Why are you still in the marriage? There must be some compelling reason. What is it?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

TJW said:


> I don't have any answers for you, if I did, I would do them in my own marriage. My wife is not attracted to me sexually. That's the problem. She doesn't lack sex drive, but the guy has to be "alpha". He has to have money, prestige, power. Rock star, TV actor, etc.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Then why are you with her??? 
Because you promised to God to keep her no matter what??

Sent from my SM-N960F using Tapatalk


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Yours is very far from a sexless marriage. 
Once a week for 68/75 year olds is pretty normal I would have thought. Maybe you could ask her to compromise at every 5 or 6 days?
As or the heels thing, she is 75, give her a break. 

As for the 'being tempted by other women', you can choose what you do about temptations. Act on them or not. Being that you are having sex regularly, I cant see you have too much to complain about.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

TJW said:


> I don't have any answers for you, if I did, I would do them in my own marriage. My wife is not attracted to me sexually. That's the problem. She doesn't lack sex drive, but the guy has to be "alpha". He has to have money, prestige, power. Rock star, TV actor, etc.
> 
> She married me because I was "safe" and "secure" - good income, committed christian, she gets a stable home, maybe not the most expensive, but high-quality and in a good neighborhood, drives a new car, can feed 8 cats inside and 15 more outside, etc.
> 
> ...


If my wife were in any way to even hint at being attracted towards other men while saying sex is not part of her world (our relationship), things would change. I don't get you saying that sex is the "ONLY" thing, but I think it may be reactionary to what you've been putting up with. Not just the lack of sex, but her being attracted to other guys. Regardless of whether she would ever act on those impulses. Regardless whether those impulses had nothing whatsoever to do with sex. 

It's
Just
Wrong


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

mojo 64 said:


> Oh I love to see women in heels and skirts what a wonderful sight, *but this is so rare at our house anymore*, its so sad because my wife looks stunning in heels.


What part of "75 years old", do you not understand?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

mojo 64 said:


> Hi I'm new here and the reason i joined in for some advice or guidance, I'm in my second marriage and I am 68 my wife is 75 and very fit and active.
> 
> We have been married 10 years and all was ok at first, in fact it was great sex wise but now I realise that it is always me that has to initiate sex.
> 
> ...


You are married to a woman who is older than you, who doesn't want sex as often as you.

And you have to initiate most of the time.

And if she doesn't have sex as much as you want, you worry you'll nip down the shops, the launderette, the social club and pick up a bit of strange? (Don't worry. You won't. You are made of stronger stuff than that. )

The reality of many women born in the 1940s was that if she initiated sex she was considered fast and loose. Conditioning of that type is hard to escape. For several years I dated a woman born in 1953 (I was 24 she was 28 in the 1980s) and she had problems with hangups from how she was raised. Or be considered a floozy. And she'd been married before and had three children!

And, over time, sexual performance does slow down. 

And the idea of a woman of 75 in high heels might not be so good if she turns her ankle.

You'll have to work with her needs and your needs to try to reach a compromise. Maybe see a marriage guidance counsellor, see your Doctor?

Also, how about masturbation to take the edge of?


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

TJW said:


> I don't have any answers for you, if I did, I would do them in my own marriage. My wife is not attracted to me sexually. That's the problem. She doesn't lack sex drive, but the guy has to be "alpha". He has to have money, prestige, power. Rock star, TV actor, etc.
> 
> She married me because I was "safe" and "secure" - good income, committed christian, she gets a stable home, maybe not the most expensive, but high-quality and in a good neighborhood, drives a new car, can feed 8 cats inside and 15 more outside, etc.
> 
> ...


Why did you marry her? Did she bait and switch you?

Why don’t you divorce her? If she admits that you mean nothing to her but a meal ticket, get out.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MODERATOR NOTE:-

Please, folks! Don't wander off and start discussing other people's problems in this thread, OK?


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> Maybe she is experiencing pain and dryness. And should look into some lube to assist her and you. It's way too early to be on the defensive mode. Ask her if this could help.
> 
> Yes l read your intro but just a thought.


Quite possible. You should look into that.

I’d let her know that you’d like to schedule it twice a week. She said she understands you want twice a week, so schedule it.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

mojo 64 said:


> ...... my second marriage and I am 68 my wife is 75 and very fit and active.
> 
> We have been married 10 years and all was ok at first, in fact it was great sex wise but now I realise that it is always me that has to initiate sex.
> 
> ...





mojo 64 said:


> *I could really do with some advice* here as my wife thinks sex is something we should do rarely, its getting me down as she is a really sexy looking woman. I've told her about my needs and she say ok and she understands but Nothing changes


It is clear that the two of you have different level's of sexual desire/need. Every couple in almost every aspect of their marriage has a high desire and low desire partner. 

For example, David Schnarch likes to point out that one partner will sometimes be a high chocolate ice cream for dessert "desire partner" and the other hates chocolate, but can handle vanilla ice cream once every two weeks. Similarly, one partner may "need" to watch football on TV at least 3 times a week and the other will just read a book or listen to music with headphones on. All aspects of marriage require a negotiated compromise on what to do and how often, whether it is dessert, TV watching, or sex.

Just because someone has low desire for chocolate ice cream does not mean that they are "broken" and need to be fixed. Trying to force someone who doesn't like chocolate ice cream to have it 3 or 4 times a week is not going to make them want it and share their enjoyment of it with you.

Have a frank discussion with your wife. Tell her (as you have) that sex is very important to you and that her sexuality was partially why you married her. You are concerned that there appears to be a trend of less frequent sex and that has you concerned. Tell her that she is not broken and doesn't need to be fixed to have sex more frequently.

My suggestion is to ask her if the two of you can redefine "sex and intimacy" in a way that it can better meet both of your "needs." What is it about sex three times a week that is important to you? Does it have to be PIV sex 3 times a week? Could it be PIV sex once a week, with a BJ another day and a handjob on still another day? Would that work for you? For her? If not for her, what could she feel comfortable doing a couple times a week that would not be "sex" to her, but be sex-like enough for you to be happy?

Most men need to feel sexually desired. Is there some way she can show you her sexual desire for you (or at least the illusion of sexual desire) without having actual PIV sex? Can the two of you have one night a week where you have a date night that results in her doing seductive things to you to make you feel sexually desired, without actually doing the deed? Sort of tease and denial, cuddling, teen-like making out?

Good luck, my wife has a much lower sexual desire than I do and that has been a problem at times. We have gone through counseling and she understands how important intimacy is for me and how sex build intimacy between us at least for me. It is something that we have to work at,

Good luck to you.

P.S. Knock off the "if she doesn't change, I might end up cheating" thoughts as they are very destructive to your relationship and encourage you to view yourself as a victim and entitled to "sex" from her. Also you need to understand that you can not force your partner to change. Only they can change themself. You can encourage them to change and give positive feedback to changes they make that you like.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

mojo 64 said:


> I could really do with some advice here as my wife thinks sex is something we should do rarely....



I would refrain from using the word rarely. If she is receptive to sex once a week, I am assuming that means penetration. In the meantime she would probably be willing to give you a handjob here and there, but you could also learn to make the most of your time alone. 

Desire sometimes needs a little distance. If her desired frequency is lower than yours, then she never gets to enjoy wanting it. Perhaps take this opportunity to help build up her desire over the week, so she has something to enjoy looking forward to. Otherwise if you complain, you will make her feel inadequate. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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