# ‘Not Feeling Like A Wife Material’



## Ari_01 (4 mo ago)

I have a problem regarding with intimacy with my husband. He doesn’t touch me/or sleep with me often and that’s okay, but to the point that it only happens once in 2 months is too much. I feel devastated and doubt myself so much. Everytime I ask him why we don’t do it so often, he becomes defensive and say if I was just acting sweet and kind all the time, it might happen. I get rejected everytime I come to him and try to do it with him. So I have no choice but to wait for until he feels like it but as I said, only happens VERY RARELY! 
I don’t know if I am the problem, it bothers me everyday.


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## Power1 (5 mo ago)

I did the same thing to my wife about 15 years ago and it thankfully resulted in divorce. She is a type A personality who will not discuss matters but always planned to thoughtfully resolve issues and do things for us on her own. Problem is we were married and I had to compromise on everything, including my own identity, wants, clothes, vacations, etc.. Some wives, maybe not you, don’t want a husband, but a tag along companion. That behavior will kill it for men and we’ll emotionally divorce ourselves from our once loving bride. Be a beautiful,feminine lady who shows the respect he wants, not just the respect you’re willing to provide. Ask him to tell you what is important to him and consider complying.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Ari_01 said:


> I have a problem regarding with intimacy with my husband. He doesn’t touch me/or sleep with me often and that’s okay, but to the point that it only happens once in 2 months is too much. I feel devastated and doubt myself so much. Everytime I ask him why we don’t do it so often, he becomes defensive and say if I was just acting sweet and kind all the time, it might happen. I get rejected everytime I come to him and try to do it with him. So I have no choice but to wait for until he feels like it but as I said, only happens VERY RARELY!
> I don’t know if I am the problem, it bothers me everyday.


Is your husband correct when he says that you don’t act sweet and kind all the time? What’s the problem?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Power1 said:


> I did the same thing to my wife about 15 years ago and it thankfully resulted in divorce. She is a type A personality who will not discuss matters but always planned to thoughtfully resolve issues and do things for us on her own. Problem is we were married and I had to compromise on everything, including my own identity, wants, clothes, vacations, etc.. Some wives, maybe not you, don’t want a husband, but a tag along companion. That behavior will kill it for men and we’ll emotionally divorce ourselves from our once loving bride. Be a beautiful,feminine lady who shows the respect he wants, not just the respect you’re willing to provide. Ask him to tell you what is important to him and consider complying.


WRONG.
Bending yourself into a pretzel to try to please a sex-refusing spouse almost never works, especially when they are content to disconnect and not work on the problem.

This OP's post doesn't give enough detail to be able to blame HER for his disinterest. If he really is so unhappy, WHY isn't he trying to talk and fix things with her? How is he having his sexual needs met without his wife?

Your "method" for how you resolved your marriage issues was passive aggressive and unhelpful. You were not brave enough or committed enough to be open and work on your unhappy marriage with her, so you withdrew from her until she divorced you. That's an immature way to deal with problems in any relationship.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Power1 said:


> I did the same thing to my wife about 15 years ago and it thankfully resulted in divorce. She is a type A personality who will not discuss matters but always planned to thoughtfully resolve issues and do things for us on her own. Problem is we were married and I had to compromise on everything, including my own identity, wants, clothes, vacations, etc.. Some wives, maybe not you, don’t want a husband, but a tag along companion. That behavior will kill it for men and we’ll emotionally divorce ourselves from our once loving bride. Be a beautiful,feminine lady who shows the respect he wants, not just the respect you’re willing to provide. Ask him to tell you what is important to him and consider complying.






LisaDiane said:


> WRONG.
> Bending yourself into a pretzel to try to please a sex-refusing spouse almost never works, especially when they are content to disconnect and not work on the problem.
> 
> This OP's post doesn't give enough detail to be able to blame HER for his disinterest. If he really is so unhappy, WHY isn't he trying to talk and fix things with her? How is he having his sexual needs met without his wife?
> ...


I agree, in that OP did not present enough information about herself.
Power1 simply _assumed_ she is similar to his EX.

What he said about his Ex Wife and their dynamic does adequately explain _his _divorcing her.
He said nowhere _that he did not try to work out _their differences. 
You presumed that.

He said she was not having any sort of compromising.
That much is clear.

Not hearing his ex's side of the story leaves us to deal only with what he said.

Carry on!


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## Power1 (5 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> WRONG.
> Bending yourself into a pretzel to try to please a sex-refusing spouse almost never works, especially when they are content to disconnect and not work on the problem.
> 
> This OP's post doesn't give enough detail to be able to blame HER for his disinterest. If he really is so unhappy, WHY isn't he trying to talk and fix things with her? How is he having his sexual needs met without his wife?
> ...


I didn’t provide my life history, guess I should have done that. I spent 6 months with a marriage counselor and tens of thousands of $ attempting to solve the problem. I read about 25 books on marriage and me. I did everything possible to stabilize our marriage for my children and me. I’m a high income (top 1.5%) husband who for 14 years couldn‘t take the vacation I wanted, wear the clothes I wanted of visit my colleagues for New Years Eve as I wanted. But, I gave her family $20k in gifts, orthodontics for the nieces and vacations annually. The psychologist eventually met her and advised me its over, get out. Both of my in-laws were psychologists who had a dysfunctional life. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> Is your husband correct when he says that *you don’t act sweet and kind all the time*? What’s the problem?


This is key....

You cannot be harsh, negative, fault finding, condescending and then to expect all this to be forgotten when the two of you are between the sheets.

................................................................

Side note:
Your husband may be a jerk, and maybe he deserves this treatment.
But, if you frequently give him hell, do not expect him to get over it, in the bedroom.

He has built up resentment for you and it carries over into the bedroom.
This is a very common occurrence in marriages.
Both sexes can carry this resentment.

Believe me.

..........................................................

Some men and women are overly sensitive and are high maintenance.
The want to be treated with kid gloves.
Those Prince's and Princess's.

Is that the case with your husband?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Power1 said:


> I didn’t provide my life history, guess I should have done that. I spent 6 months with a marriage counselor and tens of thousands of $ attempting to solve the problem. I read about 25 books on marriage and me. I did everything possible to stabilize our marriage for my children and me. I’m a high income (top 1.5%) husband who for 14 years couldn‘t take the vacation I wanted, wear the clothes I wanted of visit my colleagues for New Years Eve as I wanted. But, I gave her family $20k in gifts, orthodontics for the nieces and vacations annually. The psychologist eventually met her and advised me its over, get out. Both of my in-laws were psychologists who had a dysfunctional life. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.


Well, that's a VERY different story than the hints you provided, and I take back what I said about your method. Clearly you were not passive aggressive and stayed too long. 

However, your advice to the OP had just as many assumptions, and I stand by the fact that your advice to her is unhelpful and unlikely to work. She paints a very different picture of their dynamic than yours (even without your extra details).

Placing all the blame on HER and her attitude, and telling her to find out what's important to him and comply, while great advice in a healthy relationship, will just escalate the pain in a toxic relationship.

And there is a reason that I know that.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Ari_01 said:


> I have a problem regarding with intimacy with my husband. He doesn’t touch me/or sleep with me often and that’s okay, but to the point that it only happens once in 2 months is too much. I feel devastated and doubt myself so much. Everytime I ask him why we don’t do it so often, he becomes defensive and say if I was just acting sweet and kind all the time, it might happen. I get rejected everytime I come to him and try to do it with him. So I have no choice but to wait for until he feels like it but as I said, only happens VERY RARELY!
> I don’t know if I am the problem, it bothers me everyday.


Is there merit to what he is saying or is he wrong that you are not nice to him? 

You say that it is okay that you don't touch or sleep together. Does that mean you do not want to be warm and loving with him other than when having sex?

Are you being cold, dismissive, critical and argumentative with him 6 days and 23 hours of the week and then expecting him to make love to you at 11pm on Saturday night? 

Only porcupines want to be intimate with porcupines.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Ari_01 said:


> I have a problem regarding with intimacy with my husband. He doesn’t touch me/or sleep with me often and that’s okay, but to the point that it only happens once in 2 months is too much. I feel devastated and doubt myself so much. Everytime I ask him why we don’t do it so often, he becomes defensive and say if I was just acting sweet and kind all the time, it might happen. I get rejected everytime I come to him and try to do it with him. So I have no choice but to wait for until he feels like it but as I said, only happens VERY RARELY!
> I don’t know if I am the problem, it bothers me everyday.


This is cruel and thoroughly unfair. He says if you acted sweet and kind all the time, it MIGHT happen?? 
Without having more details about your relationship, it's hard to interpret what his actions mean. I can say that I believe he should be willing to work with you to resolve the issues that are preventing him from wanting to be sexually connected and involved with you. Sex is the main reason people choose to marry and the only reason for monogamy. There are VERY FEW good reasons to refuse to have sex with someone that you want to stay married to, at least FOR ME.

Was he always like this with sex? Did he ever want alot of sex with you? How long have you been married? How old are you both? Any kids?

NO ONE can be "sweet and kind" ALL the time. So to me, that sounds like an excuse for something else. My EX also threw out tons of excuses for why he didn't want to have sex with me, so that I was jumping around like a dancing monkey, trying to please him so he would finally want to meet my sexual needs.

IT NEVER WORKED. Because I was NOT the problem. Porn, masturbation, and his selfishness were the problems. And those were impossible for ME to solve.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Why does the word "beard" come to mind?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Power1 said:


> …who for 14 years couldn‘t take the vacation I wanted, wear the clothes I wanted of visit my colleagues for New Years Eve as I wanted.


Why not? Sometimes my wife is like “no you shouldn’t buy that” sometimes I listen and sometimes I don’t.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear OP;

M.W. Davis has an excellent book the Sex Starved Wife, that will make you feel like you are not alone, will provide some suggestions that might help change things in your marriage and that will likely help you lead a better life. She is the master of "Get A Life" and the "180" along with a Nike, "Just Do It" approach to life. Those are all code words she explains for people who are in sex starved relationships.

I was in a sex starved marriage and her book the Sex Starved Marriage helped me a great deal in the reconciliation of my marriage. Once you understand some of the issues, getting help from a Marriage counselor who is also a board certified sex therapist can greatly help as well. At least it did in my marriage.

Good luck.


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## Ari_01 (4 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> Is your husband correct when he says that you don’t act sweet and kind all the time? What’s the problem?


He might be correct. I don’t think someone can act sweet and kind all the time, especially when you are rejected all the time. 
Z


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## Ari_01 (4 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> WRONG.
> Bending yourself into a pretzel to try to please a sex-refusing spouse almost never works, especially when they are content to disconnect and not work on the problem.
> 
> This OP's post doesn't give enough detail to be able to blame HER for his disinterest. If he really is so unhappy, WHY isn't he trying to talk and fix things with her? How is he having his sexual needs met without his wife?
> ...


This problem of ours has been on and off. Everytime I reconnect with him after having an argument, telling him what’s the matter then act like a good wife but I see no changes in him, he takes no effort at all.


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## Ari_01 (4 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> Is there merit to what he is saying or is he wrong that you are not nice to him?
> 
> You say that it is okay that you don't touch or sleep together. Does that mean you do not want to be warm and loving with him other than when having sex?
> 
> ...


Apparently if there is a day in a week that I have not been sweet then the other days doesn’t matter or doesn’t count. I have probably been very argumentative lately because I couldn’t take it anymore, I felt like I didn’t exist. He is not sweet himself, not affectionate and not touchy.
Now I don’t sleep in the same bed with him because in bed, I will expect and be upset.


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## Ari_01 (4 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> This is cruel and thoroughly unfair. He says if you acted sweet and kind all the time, it MIGHT happen??
> Without having more details about your relationship, it's hard to interpret what his actions mean. I can say that I believe he should be willing to work with you to resolve the issues that are preventing him from wanting to be sexually connected and involved with you. Sex is the main reason people choose to marry and the only reason for monogamy. There are VERY FEW good reasons to refuse to have sex with someone that you want to stay married to, at least FOR ME.
> 
> Was he always like this with sex? Did he ever want alot of sex with you? How long have you been married? How old are you both? Any kids?
> ...


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I bet if you said, “you know what? I think I want to consider separating”, he would change. Not suggesting you do that, but don’t ever be afraid to leave a relationship when you’re the only one putting in an effort. Your husband thinks you’ll never leave, that you’re afraid. Stop jumping through hoops to please this guy. Be genuinely kind and considerate but not because he dangles the promise of sex in front of you.


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## harperlee (May 1, 2018)

The world is a very large place, it's beyond amazing. 
Don't let what you see in front of you make walls and trap you.
Your husband reads to be a controlling, misogynist a**.
The first lesson in life is letting go. Every person on this planet will do this, many times over.
Let go of this person that does not bring you joy. 
It's time to turn the page.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

To me it sounds like he's too weak to handle anyone who isn't mild and weaker than him. That's his problem. Did y'all not know each other that well before you got married?


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## Ari_01 (4 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> I bet if you said, “you know what? I think I want to consider separating”, he would change. Not suggesting you do that, but don’t ever be afraid to leave a relationship when you’re the only one putting in an effort. Your husband thinks you’ll never leave, that you’re afraid. Stop jumping through hoops to please this guy. Be genuinely kind and considerate but not because he dangles the promise of sex in front of you.


I have tried that but then he begs for us to stay together because we have kids, and we have obligations and etc.. and then, in the end of the day, we argue of the same issue. He makes no effort, it feels like he thinks as long as we’re living together and acting like the best parents then that’s fine.


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## Ari_01 (4 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> To me it sounds like he's too weak to handle anyone who isn't mild and weaker than him. That's his problem. Did y'all not know each other that well before you got married?


Yep. We’ve been together for four years before we got married but it was not like living together all the time bc I lived overseas with our child and he came to visit when he had vacation.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ari_01 said:


> I have a problem regarding with intimacy with my husband. He doesn’t touch me/or sleep with me often and that’s okay, but to the point that it only happens once in 2 months is too much. I feel devastated and doubt myself so much. Everytime I ask him why we don’t do it so often, he becomes defensive and say if I was just acting sweet and kind all the time, it might happen. I get rejected everytime I come to him and try to do it with him. So I have no choice but to wait for until he feels like it but as I said, only happens VERY RARELY!
> I don’t know if I am the problem, it bothers me everyday.


I do not believe you are the problem.

Some men, like myself, do not want sex when we are angry or having a major disagreement but that's not what you are describing.

Your husband has a problem which could be physical or mental.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> I bet if you said, “you know what? I think I want to consider separating”, he would change. Not suggesting you do that, but don’t ever be afraid to leave a relationship when you’re the only one putting in an effort. Your husband thinks you’ll never leave, that you’re afraid. Stop jumping through hoops to please this guy. Be genuinely kind and considerate but not because he dangles the promise of sex in front of you.


I don’t think he will change.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I suggest marriage counseling.

Is your marriage an arranged marriage?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Why does the word "beard" come to mind?


Tsk!
Where has you mind, drifted? 

You hint that her's is not the 'adit', her husband desires.

Rather, he may want to go 'at it', from a different angle.

Tis' a shame that life has muddy options, as these.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Ari_01 said:


> We have had good sexual life before kids, and it dropped after that. It’s like he lost interest.
> we have kids and there is a big gap between our ages, so basically I’m the younger one. I try to please him, touch him and try to take him to bed but then I get excuses like he’s tired, he doesn’t want to be forced, that it has to come naturally. But how when he doesn’t take efforts? He makes it sound like I am the problem in our relationship. *I guess it is the same with him - masturbation and porn as I caught him downloading loads of them. Didn’t think it was a problem until now. *


THIS IS THE REASON -- He is watching porn and masturbating and doesn't want to have sex with you because of that. Which means IT IS NOT YOU. How can anything sexual "come naturally" between two people when one of them is gratifying their sexual urges by themselves and lying to their partner about it??

In my experience, he will never admit it. He will probably even say that the porn doesn't affect him, and he could have sex if you were the perfect wife. He will LIE and HIDE everything because he doesn't want to deal with it. And there is NO way to fix this unless he is willing to admit it and STOP. But that is very unlikely.

If you want a sex life that INCLUDES YOU...you are going to have to be willing to leave him.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Ari_01 said:


> We have had good sexual life before kids, and it dropped after that. It’s like he lost interest.
> we have kids and there is a big gap between our ages, so basically I’m the younger one. I try to please him, touch him and try to take him to bed but then I get excuses like he’s tired, he doesn’t want to be forced, that it has to come naturally. But how when he doesn’t take efforts? He makes it sound like I am the problem in our relationship. I guess it is the same with him - masturbation and porn as I caught him downloading loads of them. Didn’t think it was a problem until now.


This is a major part of the problem. A spouse that uses porn and masturbation when they have a perfectly willing and interested partner is committing a form of cheating as far as I'm concerned. He has a sex drive, just not one that involve you. You have to seriously ask yourself why you would remain married to someone that selfish.


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