# Strip Club



## Mckiwi (Jul 10, 2011)

I'm sure this has been addressed on here, repeatedly. I'm aware that strip clubs are some form of entertainment and so on. I've been in ones myself. So here is my question:
I'm in a relationship, about a year on and my BF is wonderful. Seriously, he is. Especially after reading some posts on here, I do completely understand how lucky I am. But he has a stag night coming up and I know some of the group he's going with so I know theyre going to a strip club. I am extremely uncomfortable with this. I'm keeping in mind this isn't a stag night, but a weekend trip. Other things are on the menu besides drinking and naked woman and he wants to go. The guys are all good friends and some of the planned events do seem fun, so I no longer uncomfortable with the strip club part. He wants to go, I get it. He doesn't want to be "the guy" that doesn't go on that part, or make the other taken men feel like a**holes (I'm sure their wives/GFs dont know about it) So fine. However, I just learned that this is going to be a lap dance club and getting a lap dance is part of the package. Is it unreasonable for me to want him not to get one? I think in my mind, if it was me and a hen night, I'd go. I sure as hell wouldn't have some man rubbing up on me though. It just crosses the line and I think he wouldn't like it (nor would I) and I wouldn't do it. I'm basically of the opinion that if you are out and need to wash any part of you to come home and get into bed with your other half, you are wrong. I'm sure if some guy has himself plastered to me some evening, my guy wouldn't want to be kissing afterward. I have an issue with the idea of him having some womans body plastered on him and giving him a kiss after. Seems a bit dirty to me. He doesn't know that I am aware of this being part of the game plan and I'm afraid if I mention it, he'll be worried about upsetting me or think I'm irrational. Thoughts?


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

If something makes you uncomfortable and very worried then your partner should really rethink what they are doing.

If it would not be OK for him to be at home with a naked woman and have her dance for him etc then it shouldn't be something he would do at a club or under peer pressure.

Why would him not participating make the other guys seem like ass holes if they are perfectly OK with their behaviour. Should we all join in things we know are wrong for fear of upsetting the group or other people? 

Also either he respects your relationship and women or he doesn't. I love that some men and women think they respect love and are fully committed except at bachelor/ ette parties.:scratchhead:

Personally I don't think that those weekends are a good idea for anyone in any form of committed relationship.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

There seems to be a whole aspect of him being a man that you are completely missing out on. If a 'man' is in a relationship, and his wife/girl friend is insecure about his attendence at a place with a lap dance, he can respect her boundaries and either help her get tot eh place where she is comfortable with it, or just don't go. This is part of being a man. And what kind of man even cares what the others will think? Seriously, a man can say that he doesn't want to go because his woman knows what a real lap dance is all about, so he's not interested. Real freinds respect our boundaries, or we don't allow them to be a real friend.

I know that many will say that this is no big deal, but if he is not man enough to step up to the responsibility of making you first here, then you have to ask yourself where he will draw the line. Sometimes, by showing you that you are first, this issue even becomes a non-issue to the wife.


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## Mckiwi (Jul 10, 2011)

I guess I was more or less asking if my outlook is unreasonable. I see women in these fits of jealousy and they seem insane sometimes, but they feel completely justified. I know I do. 
I'm not saying he won't listen or appreciate my viewpoint, since this kind of thing has never come up with us before, I really don't know. I'm wondering if it seems more like insecurity and something I need to work on in myself as well. I really don't feel like it is.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

If you don't like it, you don't like it. Sounds like your trying to talk yourself into not caring about it for your boyfriend's sake - whether it is because you don't want to deny him a goodtime or you don't want him or his friends to think you are a drag. 

I never understood the stripper thing before weddings, myself. I went to a bachelor-ette party where there was a stripper and while it was amusing seeing my friend get "the show" it wasn't a turn on to me and I would have much preferred playing Rockband or something. LOL 

I've never heard of a strip club where every person who went HAD to get a lap dance. Maybe the groom-to-be, but not everybody. You sure your BF isn't trying to pull the wool over your eyes so he can get a lap dance and you not get angry about it? 

You're perfectly fine with your feelings. I'd discuss this with him.


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## Mckiwi (Jul 10, 2011)

No, he hasn't said one thing or another about it, we haven't talked about it yet. I know about the lap dance bit because the guy who booked it went through a stag-night party planner and I saw the intinerary. As in "for your money you'll each get...admission for paintball, admission to some club" and so on. I'm just trying to prepare myself to talk about it with him. I don't want him to think I don't trust him, since I do. I don't want him to think I'm being a jealous crazy. It just makes me uncomfortable.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Halien said:


> *There seems to be a whole aspect of him being a man that you are completely missing out on. If a 'man' is in a relationship, and his wife/girl friend is insecure about his attendence at a place with a lap dance, he can respect her boundaries and either help her get tot eh place where she is comfortable with it, or just don't go. This is part of being a man. And what kind of man even cares what the others will think? Seriously, a man can say that he doesn't want to go because his woman knows what a real lap dance is all about, so he's not interested. Real freinds respect our boundaries, or we don't allow them to be a real friend.
> 
> I know that many will say that this is no big deal, but if he is not man enough to step up to the responsibility of making you first here, then you have to ask yourself where he will draw the line. Sometimes, by showing you that you are first, this issue even becomes a non-issue to the wife*.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## borninapril (Jun 6, 2011)

To me it depends on how well you know your man. If you don't like it and don't want him to go then tell him. But , for me, I was always the guy that kept the others in line. If they were drinking, I didn't and would make sure everyone got back home (or where ever), didn't cause trouble and if things started to get out of hand tried to calm down the situation. For some guys it not about the woman at the club but about just being with the guys.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

borninapril said:


> To me it depends on how well you know your man. If you don't like it and don't want him to go then tell him. But , for me, I was always the guy that kept the others in line. If they were drinking, I didn't and would make sure everyone got back home (or where ever), didn't cause trouble and if things started to get out of hand tried to calm down the situation. For some guys it not about the woman at the club but about just being with the guys.


This is me as well. My soon to be ex W always enjoyed going to these places with a group. It actually is a big turn off for me. It takes more than a little shimmy and body heat to get this machine humming. But the bottom line is how you feel about it. If it bothers you, tell him and work out the boundaries that you are OK with or he should just not participate in this part of the weekend!


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

You can only be true to who you are and what you want. If he can't deal with it, you aren't meant to be together.

If you aren't comfortable with a lap dance, tell him that you are happy he's going out with the guys but that you will not be comfortable with him getting a lap dance because it involves grinding and body contact. Then see what he says.

It is always a mistake not to be who you are in a relationship. You are not being unreasonable, but even if I said you were, you have to stay true to yourself.


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## Mckiwi (Jul 10, 2011)

Thanks for the help. I know you guys are right, I knew it when I wrote this in the first place. I'm hoping we can get the chance to talk about this and that I can get my thoughts out without making it come across as some sort of accusation.


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## weR2 (Jul 9, 2011)

While I have never been to lap dance thing, I have heard women express their assorted thoughts on it. One of the thoughts that at least half of them had was, that they encouraged it! They claim that when he comes home after the lap dance, the sex is AWESOME! Apparently your BF and you are not married, great chance for you to understand him! Great chance before marriage to see what he is about. If what you really want is someone that won't even think about going to that kind of place, then maybe you should dump him now and find that other guy that fits your criteria of a man.


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## AbsolutelyFree (Jan 28, 2011)

For some men, it is almost a hobby to visit these clubs. I'll volunteer to say that when I got my first job out of college, I was making a nice salary and had no debts. Since I was saving a lot, I started going to these clubs frequently. Over the course of about a year and a half, I spent too much money and had too much fun. Now, I wasn't in a relationship at the time and the spending didn't have any bad consequences for me.

I know the lowdown on these places. What happens there varies a lot depending on the club and part of the country. My point being that a 'lapdance' can mean a whole lot more than just a dance.

I don't think a strip clubs are the sort of place that a man who wants his marriage or relationship to be healthy should go to. Maybe it's different if the couple chooses to use it as a way of enhancement or 'away time,' but in this case I think it should be carefully planned and agreed upon.


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## Account V2.0 (Jul 8, 2011)

I personally would not go to a strip club or get a lap dance. To me that would be showing disrespect to my wife. I think you are being perfectly reasonable.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

What I've learned in the course of my marriage falling apart is the more things you do that your significant other is uncomfortable with, the more love you're causing to slip away. If you don't approve or are uncomfortable with it, you have to be completely open and honest with him about this. 

Conflict resolution is something that everyone needs to learn for better relationships and this is an opportunity for you to do so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Personally? I simply cannot relate to this mentality.

I have been to strip clubs. I have been to bachelor parties with strippers. I have never gotten a lap dance. Have no desire to.

Had my then, fiance, and later wife told me that my attending an event with friends (most of whom I had known since childhood)made her uncomfortable, we would have discussed why exactly that is. And more importantly ... why and how that translates into _not trusting MY behavior_.

Going to a strip club never made me a man-wh0re. My position is that if you have a serious problem with it, yes I would want to discuss why that is ... but from my point of view, you are taking your insecurities or discomfort and putting them squarely on my shoulders, deserved or not.

You have stated that he is a wonderful boyfriend. Do you trust him? 

Those friends that I went to the strip club with? Still my friends.

My now ex-wife? Had an affair. All a matter of perspective, my dear.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

A minority opinion, but I can go with the guys to a strip club every now & then (usually when someone's getting married or divorced), even get a lap dance yet a mildly amused participant only. Not every man or person at every strip club is a sex encounter. They CAN be fairly harmless 'events', especially in a large group of mixed-group guys. 

That said, I think you absolutely need to raise your feelings on the matter with him (non-confrontationally, as you suggest), and come to an agreement that works for you *both*, as adults... something that he is comfortable with, and works for you as well. This may be a very telling discussion for your future together in how you work through differing views and come to solutions.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Clear heels and dead eyes


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

either you trust him or you don't!

if hes as good as you say when he comes home he'll have some funny stories and say how stupid it was and how much he missed you.

I've only been to such a place a few times and every time I thought this is stupid whats the attraction. the girl wearn't as hot as people think and all thats going through you head is their kind of skanky I would'nt do them with a ten foot pool with a condom on.



But if you start dictation what he can and can't do then you run the risk of becoming one of them controling wife that all men start resenting.

before he leaves say have a SAFE wonderfull time with your buds.and he will love you even more.and when he comes home act like it didn't bother you at all and he will really love you.

good luck in whatever you do.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

i think you should talk to him and let him know you are not comfortable with it and it bothers you. NOTHING wrong with that or your feelings about it.

if he chooses to respect your wishes, dont tell him before hand, but reward him with a little sexy strip and lap dance of your own.
just make him sit in a chair and have at it.

if he chooses to go any ways, that may be how your relationship will continue to go.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I completely disagree with the idea that if you trust him, you would be OK with it. I trust my fiance never put himself in that position, and to not purposely put himself in the room with naked women. I view it as cheating.

I also disagree that it means you are insecure. The most insecure women I know are the ones who will go along with everything their SO's want, they won't say a word or if they do will quickly fold because it's all about his approval rather then her feelings. If you are secure in yourself it's much easier to make your own personal boundaries clear. 

I don't know why men or women feel that they have a right to go out, drink and watch naked people who they are not in an intimate relationship with for sexual thrills. It is hardly respectful IMO.


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## Mckiwi (Jul 10, 2011)

The point was not about going to the strip club (though I do admit my gut reaction was to not want him to) But I realized of it was my friends night, I'd go. I'd tell him about it before I went. But I would go and have a laugh. I do know that I wouldn't have anyone dancing up on me either. Thats the part I have a problem with. To me, thats not a lack of trust on my part, but a violation of it on his. He checks out other women, all men do. Just as women check out other men. Hopefully we're all respectful enough to not do it infront of out partners, and loyal enough for it to stop at a look. Touching is an entirely different thing, and I don't think it matters that its in a strip club.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Syrum said:


> *I completely disagree with the idea that if you trust him, you would be OK with it. * I trust my fiance never put himself in that position, and to not purposely put himself in the room with naked women. I view it as cheating.
> 
> I also disagree that it means you are insecure. The most insecure women I know are the ones who will go along with everything their SO's want, they won't say a word or if they do will quickly fold because it's all about his approval rather then her feelings. If you are secure in yourself it's much easier to make your own personal boundaries clear.
> 
> I don't know why men or women feel that they have a right to go out, drink and watch naked people who they are not in an intimate relationship with for sexual thrills. It is hardly respectful IMO.


I agree with you and I view the GNOs where women drink, flirt and dance with men as actually being even more so cheating than a guy getting a lap dance.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Mckiwi said:


> I'm sure this has been addressed on here, repeatedly. I'm aware that strip clubs are some form of entertainment and so on. I've been in ones myself. So here is my question:
> I'm in a relationship, about a year on and my BF is wonderful. Seriously, he is. Especially after reading some posts on here, I do completely understand how lucky I am. But he has a stag night coming up and I know some of the group he's going with so I know theyre going to a strip club. I am extremely uncomfortable with this. I'm keeping in mind this isn't a stag night, but a weekend trip. Other things are on the menu besides drinking and naked woman and he wants to go. The guys are all good friends and some of the planned events do seem fun, so I no longer uncomfortable with the strip club part. He wants to go, I get it. He doesn't want to be "the guy" that doesn't go on that part, or make the other taken men feel like a**holes (I'm sure their wives/GFs dont know about it) So fine. However, I just learned that this is going to be a lap dance club and getting a lap dance is part of the package. Is it unreasonable for me to want him not to get one? I think in my mind, if it was me and a hen night, I'd go. I sure as hell wouldn't have some man rubbing up on me though. It just crosses the line and I think he wouldn't like it (nor would I) and I wouldn't do it. I'm basically of the opinion that if you are out and need to wash any part of you to come home and get into bed with your other half, you are wrong. I'm sure if some guy has himself plastered to me some evening, my guy wouldn't want to be kissing afterward. I have an issue with the idea of him having some womans body plastered on him and giving him a kiss after. Seems a bit dirty to me. He doesn't know that I am aware of this being part of the game plan and I'm afraid if I mention it, he'll be worried about upsetting me or think I'm irrational. Thoughts?


Couples need to have agreed upon boundaries. I think lap dances are cheating. I also think women touching and being touched by strippers is also cheating. However, in both cases I have no doubt my opinion is in the minority.

That said, it is only cheating if it crosses a boundary for the couple. I think I should make that very clear. It is not a moral judement by any means. I look at things as being respectiful or dis-repsectful. Sometimes as being advised or ill advised. Couple friendly or couple destructive. Shades of gray for sure. My moral judgements are reserved for actions by governments and how they treat their people.


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## dojo (Jul 4, 2011)

Well, I would have an issue with this and would also tell him. I don't doubt my guy but I can't understand what's so "hot" about this anyway? I can do what the girls there do, not to mention he's getting sex too, not just teasing


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I would not marry a man who values going to a strip club more than he cares about my feelings. I find it odd that men excuse lap dances but would be very upset if their wives had over sexual contact with a naked man. The idea boggles the mind.

My h thinks strip clubs are cheating and that lap dances are completely out of line. He is monogamous and that means he saves his sexual energy for me. Forsaking all others means strippers, too. Even without lap dances and the other cheating that does occur in those places, which men try too often to deny, lusting over naked women is a step in the wrong direction for a committed man. Add alcohol and sex and resistance goes way down.

On this site there have been guys that lost their wives over such things. Why is it necessary to put yourself in front of temptation?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> I would not marry a man who values going to a strip club more than he cares about my feelings. I find it odd that men excuse lap dances but would be very upset if their wives had over sexual contact with a naked man. The idea boggles the mind.
> 
> My h thinks strip clubs are cheating and that lap dances are completely out of line. He is monogamous and that means he saves his sexual energy for me. Forsaking all others means strippers, too. Even without lap dances and the other cheating that does occur in those places, which men try too often to deny, lusting over naked women is a step in the wrong direction for a committed man. Add alcohol and sex and resistance goes way down.
> 
> ...


:iagree: I value my relationship, and I expect the same form him. This means no sexual contact what so ever from others. You just don't put yourself in that position. My fiance has told me what would be crossing the boundaries for him, much of it is stuff that wouldn't bother others here, but his feelings are far more important to me.


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## seeker675 (Jul 14, 2011)

Mckiwi said:


> I'm sure this has been addressed on here, repeatedly. I'm aware that strip clubs are some form of entertainment and so on. I've been in ones myself. So here is my question:
> I'm in a relationship, about a year on and my BF is wonderful. Seriously, he is. Especially after reading some posts on here, I do completely understand how lucky I am. But he has a stag night coming up and I know some of the group he's going with so I know theyre going to a strip club. I am extremely uncomfortable with this. I'm keeping in mind this isn't a stag night, but a weekend trip. Other things are on the menu besides drinking and naked woman and he wants to go. The guys are all good friends and some of the planned events do seem fun, so I no longer uncomfortable with the strip club part. He wants to go, I get it. He doesn't want to be "the guy" that doesn't go on that part, or make the other taken men feel like a**holes (I'm sure their wives/GFs dont know about it) So fine. However, I just learned that this is going to be a lap dance club and getting a lap dance is part of the package. Is it unreasonable for me to want him not to get one? I think in my mind, if it was me and a hen night, I'd go. I sure as hell wouldn't have some man rubbing up on me though. It just crosses the line and I think he wouldn't like it (nor would I) and I wouldn't do it. I'm basically of the opinion that if you are out and need to wash any part of you to come home and get into bed with your other half, you are wrong. I'm sure if some guy has himself plastered to me some evening, my guy wouldn't want to be kissing afterward. I have an issue with the idea of him having some womans body plastered on him and giving him a kiss after. Seems a bit dirty to me. He doesn't know that I am aware of this being part of the game plan and I'm afraid if I mention it, he'll be worried about upsetting me or think I'm irrational. Thoughts?


You are definitely not remotely irrational. You are completely entitled to feel the way you do. Personally I couldn't be with a woman who couldn't see past the frivolity of a stag night and understand the enormous value of a male camaraderie. I suppose everyone has their limits but I am not compatible with a woman who would have any problem with my going to a strip club with my best friends on a stag weekend. In the past I believe I've only dated one girl of that nature and although she was a very sweet and kind girl, I realized we weren't right for each other for many reasons.

The best way for you to deal with your fears is to face them. Tell him honestly that you know what goes on at these clubs and that you hope that he enjoys himself! That will wrest control of the situation back to you and virtually ensure that he doesn't cross the line. Is it really no awful if some woman grinds him a little and gets him all wound up so that the next time he sees you he is raring to go a little extra heavy with you? That's all that will come of it and you are the real beneficiary! 

Good luck!


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## 1963chelsea (Jun 23, 2011)

I would say that if it troubles you a lot then you will have say something about it. Just bare a couple of things though. If it is not troubling him it means his line morally is drawn in a different place to yours and that will always be the case. The situation could be telling you things about your own feelings and how secure you are. Men and women are different. A man could go to a strip club or have a lap dance and see nothing serious in it. The woman he's going out with or married to is the important one in his life. I occassionally looked at porn and my wife knew it and it did not trouble her. I loved her and wanted her, stuff like porn can be a harmless indulgence, tittilation, what ever and no comparison is being made with the partner. I think if he wanted to frequent those places all the time it would be another story and that would be saying a lot about him and his need to see other women in a sexual context. If the odd party or in this case pre married thing I would not worry about it.


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## seeker675 (Jul 14, 2011)

One thing I fully agree though is that if the OP is not comfortable with the strip club portion of the stag weekend then she should express it to her guy. If they are really in love then it's nothing for him to avoid any kind of contact. I find it's also a maturity thing. He can go have fun with a couple pints or whatever and watch a cheeky stage show but there's no need for him to further indulge if it would hurt his loved one.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

This thread is about boundaries. If lap dances are outside of OP's boundaries and comfort zone, then she should stick to her convictions. We can't go through life changing our convictions and beliefs to appease others. Otherwise we lose our own identity and sense of self. If OP and her boyfriend can not agree on boundaries, they probably aren't compatible.


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## Mckiwi (Jul 10, 2011)

To address what someone said about him going out to a strip club and me "reaping the benifits". I don't even know where to begin with that one. No, I do not see any benifit in having him seek out being turned on by another woman, to come home and let me "reap the benifits". Call me a prude, but if I sat at home, staring at a half naked picture of Gerard Butler, only to turn to him and say, "okay, I'm ready to go..." I think he might have some mixed feelings on that one. 
I don't, for a minute, think that this issue is due to our differences in boundries. I think his are very much in sync with mine, but he might only apply those standards to me.
We haven't spoken about any of this yet. I'm not sure how to. I am extremely opinionated and I know it might come accross as an accusation more than a conversation. I tried to write him a letter about it, feeling like if I could look at it more carefully than I would in speaking, it might not sound that bad. I haven't finished it, so he heasn't gotten it yet.
I know part of this is me being somewhat insecure. Not in the sense that I'm uncomfortable in this situation ( I do honestly feel I have the right to be) but in the sense that he doesn't want to talk about it. I had one instance in the last year that made me uncomfortable, and to be honest, I could have addressed it better. I tried talking to him about it and when he seemed dismissive ("Oh, I don't know what you mean..") I got annoyed and pushed. I tried once more after that to talk about it, which caused an arguement, something we almost NEVER do. I decided in that moment that while I do trust him in the sense that he does love me, wouldn't DO anything to hurt me, I didn't believe him. I told him as much, as in "We'll agree to disagree, but I don't think you are being honest with me." I think it makes him a bit nervous in talking about things he think will upset me. I don't think we communicate things the same way, and I don't think that he appreciates how much that alone can effect a relationship. He's had long relationships, but none that he thought of "going anywhere". I was married before, I get how poor communication can ruin everything.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Did my post get deleted? If so, why? What was offensive about it?


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## Mckiwi (Jul 10, 2011)

I didn't see one...?


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