# looking for male feedback,not finishing



## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Putting myself out there. Dh and are in our upper 40's. Been together 20 + years. 

I'd say that with age I've gained confidence/appreciation for his physical attributes, lol. The past 4-5 months we've averaged sex/intimacy 4-5 times a week. I've been more open to initiating and performing oral than in the past and it's part of our experience 50% of the time or more. 

On at least two times in the past month, dh has been really engaged , but not climaxed. Once he said he just enjoyed making me feel good, and that he was enjoying himself. The other time, his stomach was off and he apologized that he wasn't feeling well.

This hasn't been an issue before. In the past 20 years he's finsihed within 10 minutes and now 30 minutes is average. He assures me he's enjoying himself
I've read that not finishing doesn't mean he doesn't enjoy it. I am trying to remain positive and not see this as something I'm doing poorly. I haven't mentioned my concern other than I want him to feel good, which he says he does.

Can age come into play at 49? Is this just normal?



.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

snowbum said:


> On at least two times in the past month, dh has been really engaged , but not climaxed. I haven't mentioned my concern other than I want him to feel good, which he says he does.
> 
> Can age come into play at 49? Is this just normal?


So twice in 20-25 engagements he doesnt pop? Or about once in ten? I would say he is living the dream! Dont be concerned, trust what he is telling you. 

I am much older than him and have no prostate, so 100% of mine are “dry” orgasms. Doesnt bother either of us.

Yes age can come into play.

Relax and go with the flow. You are doing awesome by your very happy husband!


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Thank you. I'd say the adage women come into their own later is true. I love all of what we do. I want to make him happy. I don' t harp or discuss at nauseum. I know that in our younger years, he was faster and didn't really ask about my take. Now he says he's just trying to make me feel good. Sometimes we take a break. He never says he's not enjoying it. Just new to this stage in life I guess.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

58 year old male here, and this is not unusual, especially at the frequency you two are enjoying. The older we get, the longer we last. Sometimes too long for our mates, even. I can assure you he is probably still enjoying every minute of it. Don't be surprised if this slowly gets more noticeable over time, either. Age works on all of us.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I appreciate your perspective. I know aging takes a toll. I'm having a good time, want it to be mutual.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It's good to hear that you as a couple have been enjoying each other with that frequency. 

Does this mean your other threads of disharmony have been overcome? I hope so. 

This isn't abnormal in an older male especially if alcohol, say a goodly amount, was involved.


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

snowbum said:


> Putting myself out there. Dh and are in our upper 40's. Been together 20 + years.
> 
> I'd say that with age I've gained confidence/appreciation for his physical attributes, lol. The past 4-5 months we've averaged sex/intimacy 4-5 times a week. I've been more open to initiating and performing oral than in the past and it's part of our experience 50% of the time or more.
> 
> ...


Hello 

Theres nothing wrong if hes not finishing in less time like he used to initially. As a matter of fact, you must be proud that hes enjoying it more and thats why its taking long to reach climax.

Change your mindset. May be you are doing something different / exciting which is why he want to enjoy for a linger duration. So chillax and enjoy the moment 

More on your reply !


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I'd say I've made good progress with anxiety. I know it's an ongoing process. Things have been going well. As to alcohol, over the holidays there's been imbibing, but not to extreme amounts. 

I've noticed that dh has become more of a morning person if it's not a weekend. Which is fine, but I get up at 5 for work. Getting up at 4:30  makes for long days.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

53 yr old male here. **** happens unfortunately as we age. First few times this happened with me, my wife was all hurt. She’s since understood that just makes things worse. Much better attitude is “well dang but we’ll try next time!” with an understanding smile. For me personally, I hate it when that happens, and when it does, it’s like everything just goes numb and then there’s nothing left to do except give up (not until she’s had hers of course). I’m on HRT and I need to be in a very narrow window else things go haywire 🤷


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

snowbum said:


> I'd say I've made good progress with anxiety. I know it's an ongoing process. Things have been going well. As to alcohol, over the holidays there's been imbibing, but not to extreme amounts.
> 
> I've noticed that dh has become more of a morning person if it's not a weekend. Which is fine, but I get up at 5 for work. Getting up at 4:30  makes for long days.


Great news!

And also as an older person, mornings are great times for sex, as well as starting early in the evening if not the weekend. TV is never more important that intimate time spent.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I agree about earlier, but I have several kids home for a month and they are in and out of our room wanting to have conversations at random times. They don't turn on the light, but would have been in for an awakening if they had on more than one occassion.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

snowbum said:


> I agree about earlier, but I have several kids home for a month and they are in and out of our room wanting to have conversations at random times. They don't turn on the light, but would have been in for an awakening if they had on more than one occassion.


You may need to rediscover the br door lock. All good parents who are first good partners (as they have to be, for each other) do so, it's an absolute must. It's the only way you'll remain good parents.

Start now and Mom and dad taking a nap or having a quiet time will rapidly become normal. As it should.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I have noticed that I often last longer than my wife wants if I have more than about 2 drinks in one sitting or we do it more than twice in one day. I almost never finish before her these days, maybe 1/10 times? When I was younger I was often finishing before her.

BTW my wife doesn’t take no for an answer. If I stop because I am literally wearing her parts out then she is like well how are you going to finish? She is very dedicated in this which I appreciate.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

snowbum said:


> Can age come into play at 49? Is this just normal?


Many things can happen with age, but as long as your husband has a healthy checkup at the doctor you probably have nothing to worry about. Also with age sexuality transitions from hormones and friction towards something that occurs more in the mind. At your ages the reasons for having sex are likely much different than from when you were in your twenties. 

From many things I have read, you probably do not want to make the goal of sexual intimacy to always have an orgasm. Here are some things to try that may help emphasize where there is a challenge:

Try scheduling both sexual and nonsexual intimacy. As in this day you have sex and this day you do not but enjoy very close intimacy like a nude hug or back rub. Desire needs distance and being playful with nonsexual intimacy can allow you to be close and far away at the same time. Even more fun if you fail at nonsexual intimacy and end up having sex (as that is some rewarding failure).
Try scheduling a rhythm of one-sided sessions and alternate turns. Odds are the one giving will enjoy this more as it can actually be challenging to both receive and feel deserving of pleasure. Working on one-sided sessions will reveal this dynamic and allow you to work on it or at least be aware of it. 
As opposed to looking for ways to spice up sex, look for extra ways to spice up each other's time for solo self exploration. A rather tame example might be to buy a jar of coconut oil for your husband and ask him to try some on himself alone while imagining various ways to use it as a couple. Or give your husband a small budget to go shopping online for adult novelties along with a few suggestions of something you might like. 

So with the above you have a lot of variations of intimacy: Shared sexual, one-sided session for you, one-sided session for him, nonsexual intimacy, encouraged self exploration for you, and encouraged self exploration for him. Actually sit down and work out a schedule of those things together and I imagine it may be a fun conversation. 

A particular thing to focus on is asking what would be the ideal frequency of each of those things and perhaps try different varieties. Some weeks limit it mostly to nonsexual intimacy and then the following week to one-sided sessions only.

Most importantly, have fun!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## spadey (Dec 27, 2021)

snowbum said:


> Putting myself out there. Dh and are in our upper 40's. Been together 20 + years.
> 
> I'd say that with age I've gained confidence/appreciation for his physical attributes, lol. The past 4-5 months we've averaged sex/intimacy 4-5 times a week. I've been more open to initiating and performing oral than in the past and it's part of our experience 50% of the time or more.
> 
> ...


43 here and sometimes I feel like it's harder for me to finish. I still get turned on but my erections aren't as hard or last as long anymore. Wife is in no way not turning me on, it just takes me longer. I would say it's completely normally at this age. When I was younger, I finished too quickly sometimes, within 10 minutes. Now it can take longer than 30.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

snowbum said:


> ........On at least two times in the past month, dh has been really engaged , but not climaxed. Once he said he just enjoyed making me feel good, and that he was enjoying himself. The other time, his stomach was off and he apologized that he wasn't feeling well.
> 
> This hasn't been an issue before. In the past 20 years he's finsihed within 10 minutes and now 30 minutes is average. He assures me he's enjoying himself
> 
> ...


Let me share a little advice from a guy in his early 70's and married for over 50 years to the love of my life.

Absolutely remain positive. The worst thing you could probably do is give him performance anxiety. That is, you don't want him to feel that to make you happy he must climax. That is a mistake many women make and they start faking orgasms. That is a bad downward cycle.

One of the purposes of frequent sex is to emotionally bond with your partner. Since you say that he is climaxing most of the time and when he doesn't he is enjoying the experience, his sexual bonding experiences are helping to reinforce your relationship.

A very important topic that is seldom discussed by couples is aging and sex. It really should be discussed more frequently by couples.

Now as to your questions regarding age and your doing something "poorly." Age and health conditions can make a difference. From experience, it is hard to climax or even retain and erection when you have a severe leg cramp. It really can be. As one get's older whether it is leg cramps, thinning skin around the frenum that can lead to painful tears with too much pulling of the foreskin, or Neuropathy making the nerve endings in the glans less sensitive, a whole lot of things can change with aging. 

This could be an aging topic between the two of you that you very carefully initiate. Again, don't make him feel like you expect him to climax every time. You might want to wait for a time when he is very confident and hasn't had a non-climax in several weeks. You might then ask him to talk about your future. One of the things a Sex Therapist and marriage counselor did with my wife and me was to have us talk about what we looked forward to in our marriage in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years. That might be a perfect way to ask about what he envisions sex between the two of you to look like as you both age. 

You might tell him that many women find thinning vaginal lining with age, makes intercourse painful some times. As we age men and women tend to have weaker pelvic floor muscles that are important to strong orgasms. Our ST actually told my wife it is important to "use it or loose it" with it being vaginal intercourse. The ST also told us that as we age, there will be times were medical conditions could make vaginal intercourse nearly impossible and so in the future we should each understand that there are other ways (sexual and sensual) to remain intimate and emotionally bonded to each other.

Then you can tell him that you want to make him happy and feel intimately connected to you. Ask him if there are any things you might do (within your boundaries) that could improve his sexual experience, as you age?

One of the things that the sex therapist had my wife and me do was to abstain from sex for a while (which was easy as at the time I was in a sex starved marriage) and practice Sensate Focus exercises. Sensate Focus exercises to build intimacy You and your H might want to give it a try as something to help you prepare for your mutual aging experience.

Again, don't feel that you are "doing poorly," don't feel that there is a problem that must be corrected. Enjoy each other in all the ways you can and look forward to a long sensual and sexual future.

Good Luck and Enjoy.

Good luck.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

90% success rate is really good. I'm lower than that - maybe 70%. Sometimes you get to a point where you just are like, yeah, this isn't gonna happen.

I'm early 50s but this isn't new to me. Been going on since my 40s.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Gabriel said:


> 90% success rate is really good. I'm lower than that - maybe 70%. Sometimes you get to a point where you just are like, yeah, this isn't gonna happen.
> 
> I'm early 50s but this isn't new to me. Been going on since my 40s.


I think the OP should have a discussion with her husband and work out how to communicate and what to do/expect when it is just not going to happen for one or the other. 

My wife and I may begin a shared session and then for one of us it just isn't going to happen (me or her). At that point we transition to a one-sided session and just allow the other to enjoy being "selfish" as we call it. It more often happens that my wife has trouble, but sometimes I do as well. 

It is important to note that it can be emotionally unsettling if this is not communicated and one person tries to compel themselves to orgasm when it is just not going to happen. Instead of having fun it transitions into the experience of trying to start a survival friction fire with damp wood and an impending muscle cramp coming on somewhere.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

I guess I have been lucky as I have never not finished in all the years I have been having sex. Early 50s here. Even when single between marriages and dating this women who I had sex with 4x in one day, I finished each time. Last time took about 20 minutes longer than expected but still happened.

OP maybe its just based on your frequency as it sounds like you all have sex a lot?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

does he have any underlying medical conditions. a particularly bad one for sexual funcotin would be diabetes, which slowly attacks the nerves and eventually makes it hard for a man to cum, or even get hard?

One trick is to do more than just PIV sex.
lets say you are having sex missionary position. after a long while where he is hard but can not seem to cum, start rubbing his nipples. and if he responds to that do it more roughly, even pinching them. you might find that he responds very well to that additional stimulus. I think it has something to do with overloading the part of his brain that controls the orgasm with sensory inputs.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

snowbum said:


> Putting myself out there. Dh and are in our upper 40's. Been together 20 + years.
> 
> I'd say that with age I've gained confidence/appreciation for his physical attributes, lol. The past 4-5 months we've averaged sex/intimacy 4-5 times a week. I've been more open to initiating and performing oral than in the past and it's part of our experience 50% of the time or more.
> 
> ...


Thought you were my wife for a second. Our times average 45 min to 1.25hr. Sometimes i do not get there. She used to think it was her but that was far from the truth. 

If some little thing makes me uncomfortable, i cant get there. No matter how hard i try(pun intended) especially if it is warm. If temp is 73 or above i will not get there, so i usually turn thermostat down to 71 before bed. Regular sex also prolongs the time. Wife and i are at least 5x week. Im 49, she 53.

I do not care about my climax, nice if it happens, but i am thoroughly enjoying the bonding i get through sex. To us sex is emotional and not just about physical release. If i never reached climax i would still want to make love to my wife daily. I love to give her pleasure and see her in extasy.😋😁

Listen to him when he says he is enjoying you. Just enjoy him. Hopefully you are not one that likes for men to be done and get off me. My wife just keeps enjoying all the waves of orgasms that continue to wash over her until i can get there myself, or not. Hormones definately change things.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

gr8ful1 said:


> 53 yr old male here. **** happens unfortunately as we age. First few times this happened with me, my wife was all hurt. She’s since understood that just makes things worse. Much better attitude is “well dang but we’ll try next time!” with an understanding smile. For me personally, I hate it when that happens, and when it does, it’s like everything just goes numb and then there’s nothing left to do except give up (not until she’s had hers of course). I’m on HRT and I need to be in a very narrow window else things go haywire 🤷


What is your levels. Dr keeps mine at 1100-1200.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

Divinely Favored said:


> What is your levels. Dr keeps mine at 1100-1200.


I used to be up in that range but in a crazy trial I’ve cut that in half (at least the amount of T I give myself) while continuing HCG injections 3x/week. That has improved things somewhat. My theory is that the higher T produced too much Estradiol and while Anastrozole brought it down, the swings caused issues.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I’m 57. One of (the only) benefits of getting on in the years is realizing the greater range of sexuality and pleasure and not being so focused on getting it in and getting it off as efficiently as possible.

If he is ok with it and not having any issues over it and you are getting pleased and pleasured, then don’t worry about it. 

Besides, it sounds like this is working out to your benefit here so why rock the boat by worrying about. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

snowbum said:


> Can age come into play at 49? Is this just normal?


Can't say for sure, but I'm thinking it can come into play. But from experience I'd say that is the least likely reason.

Reasons, and this is in no way saying any of these applies to your situation.

A man might be: 

-busting one out prior to sex

-might not be attracted to his partner, but even then it would be hard not to climax

-alcohol/drugs


Age might be it here, but I'm going with busting one out prior.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Y’all thinking about this way too deep. It doesn’t mean anything at all. There are probably a couple times a month I don’t finish and it doesn’t “mean” anything. I’m perfectly healthy and attracted to my wife.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> Y’all thinking about this way too deep. It doesn’t mean anything at all. There are probably a couple times a month I don’t finish and it doesn’t “mean” anything. I’m perfectly healthy and attracted to my wife.


It is only a problem if one or the other feels anxiety from not finishing. 

Just tell the wife you're saving for next time


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> Y’all thinking about this way too deep. It doesn’t mean anything at all. There are probably a couple times a month I don’t finish and it doesn’t “mean” anything. I’m perfectly healthy and attracted to my wife.


I think its just that the OP is the wife and she is concerned about it? Maybe I am wrong?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Gabriel said:


> 90% success rate is really good. I'm lower than that - maybe 70%. Sometimes you get to a point where you just are like, yeah, this isn't gonna happen.
> 
> I'm early 50s but this isn't new to me. Been going on since my 40s.


Sometime after 1.25+ i just tell my wife it aint gonna happen. "I can see it from here, but i cant get there from here." Inside joke.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

gr8ful1 said:


> I used to be up in that range but in a crazy trial I’ve cut that in half (at least the amount of T I give myself) while continuing HCG injections 3x/week. That has improved things somewhat. My theory is that the higher T produced too much Estradiol and while Anastrozole brought it down, the swings caused issues.


Dr said with T injections the Estrodial levels will be elevated but he took me off AIs. My E levels were single digits. He is suprised i do not have coronary issues because of it. E is necessary for vein and artery elasticity. He said AIs can do more harm than good.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

snowbum said:


> Putting myself out there. Dh and are in our upper 40's. Been together 20 + years.
> 
> I'd say that with age I've gained confidence/appreciation for his physical attributes, lol. The past 4-5 months we've averaged sex/intimacy 4-5 times a week. I've been more open to initiating and performing oral than in the past and it's part of our experience 50% of the time or more.
> 
> ...


This started happening to me at about age 47, I'm 48 now. There's two types of "good: feelings when we men have sex, one is the dopamine rush from the foreplay, sex, etc., the next is the physical rush when you cum. For me at least, the former is better than the latter. Finishing is just a bonus to me now.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Sounds like a serious act of hubby abuse 😆


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

@snowbum,

Does he take any meds?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

PieceOfSky said:


> @snowbum,
> 
> Does he take any meds?


Good question. Before H gets tagged by certain parties that he must be a porn addict.

OP has shared they share sex regularly and that it's happened a couple times out of many, many sexual encounters.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Thank you for your replies.
I am confident he is not a porn addict. Our computers are shared and we have kids that also use them. This is not the issue.

I've noticed that the issue comes up after we've been out, so drinking is involved (2-3 times) or when kids are home. Our rooms are near each other and they are older. So if dh hears them talking he freaks out and doesn't want to continue. This is after 15-20 minutes in or so, he gets anxiety that they will come in. As to the lock, we need to get one. He also doesn't want to traumatize the teenager, lol.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

snowbum said:


> Thank you for your replies.
> I am confident he is not a porn addict. Our computers are shared and we have kids that also use them. This is not the issue.
> 
> I've noticed that the issue comes up after we've been out, so drinking is involved (2-3 times) or when kids are home. Our rooms are near each other and they are older. So if dh hears them talking he freaks out and doesn't want to continue. This is after 15-20 minutes in or so, he gets anxiety that they will come in. As to the lock, we need to get one. He also doesn't want to traumatize the teenager, lol.


Alcohol is a suppressor of libido, depending on how much he's drinking. 
He is older, so he would be more vulnerable to the limpness effect of alcohol.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

snowbum said:


> Thank you for your replies.
> I am confident he is not a porn addict. Our computers are shared and we have kids that also use them. This is not the issue.
> 
> I've noticed that the issue comes up after we've been out, so drinking is involved (2-3 times) or when kids are home. Our rooms are near each other and they are older. So if dh hears them talking he freaks out and doesn't want to continue. This is after 15-20 minutes in or so, he gets anxiety that they will come in. As to the lock, we need to get one. He also doesn't want to traumatize the teenager, lol.


I bet the teenager knows more than he can imagine. Traumatized?! Hah! The kids kniw they didnt arrive by immaculate conception.

Prop a chairback under the door knob to prevent door opening until can get a lock. Turn on some music in the bedroom turned up to overcome anything else.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Rus47 said:


> I bet the teenager knows more than he can imagine. Traumatized?! Hah! The kids kniw they didnt arrive by immaculate conception.
> 
> Prop a chairback under the door knob to prevent door opening until can get a lock. Turn on some music in the bedroom turned up to overcome anything else.


Get the lock yesterday!

OTurn on TV.

If you dont want some Two Feet or Black Atlas grooving in the background.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Rus47 said:


> I bet the teenager knows more than he can imagine. Traumatized?! Hah! The kids kniw they didnt arrive by immaculate conception.
> 
> Prop a chairback under the door knob to prevent door opening until can get a lock. Turn on some music in the bedroom turned up to overcome anything else.


My teen has headphones/xbox in his ear or earbobs watching show on his phone.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

I am late 40s. I had rarely problem with maintaining erections but never had an issue with cumming.


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## atourist (Dec 31, 2021)

snowbum said:


> Can age come into play at 49? Is this just normal?


In our experience (age 60/58, married for 34 years) you have nothing to worry about, and plenty to look forward to!

As your relationship evolves, I think you will find new ways of enjoying the journey, rather than worrying too much about the destination. In the end, though, you probably will need to climax - he certainly will - but you shouldn't (and maybe can't) rely on penetration getting you there.

I now only climax through masturbation - usually by my own hand, but sometime by my wife's; we both enjoy either. Meanwhile, she only orgasms by holding a vibrator against her clitoris (I'm not adept enough to find the right spot).

Age certainly is an issue because as a woman it is likely (and maybe inevitable) that the menopause will one day either prevent you or deter you from those long sex sessions, but if you work on it together, it is relatively easy to find new and exciting ways forward.

If I believed in a god, I would be tempted to say that failing to reach orgasm by tried and trusted means is His way (or probably HER way!) of telling you to explore new things, don't be too driven by what you think is supposed to happen - and just enjoy!


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

I'm 58 and have had trouble climaxing during sex for many years. Started in my early 40s and it's rare for me to climax except through masturbation now. Fortunately, I've never had a problem maintaining an erection. I sometimes wonder if I would climax more easily if I had a foreskin. When a foreskin is removed, nerve endings in the penis die. Of course I'll never know.

My wife is 49 and she climaxes quickly. Ideally it would take her longer too. She tries to keep going once she's done but she doesn't reset or climax more than once. Once she's done, it's just not the same. I can feel her wanting me to be satisfied but also wanting me to be done already because she gets sore or her hand gets tired. And that's no fun for me. So in my experience, I find it best to stop when she's done.

Ideally we'd both come together every time but I appreciate what we have. That we enjoy having sex and being sexual is great. For us, it reflects a deep love and strong intimacy. Life isn't perfect but that doesn't mean it can't still be really good.


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