# Struggling with how I feel about rejection :( ****Update on page 5, post #100! :)



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

It's been two weeks since my husband and I have had sex. We usually have sex at least three times a week. In the not too distant past, we've had gaps like this before due to him being tired. So it's not the first time.

He works seven days a week. He has his regular job and runs his own buisness, both are physically demanding.

He also does charity work (also physically demanding for the most part). He does this on his own not through any charity, just him and his truck and often with a friend or two. This kind of just happened after he helped a few people in the community and word got out. It's not something he set out to do as a regular thing, but that's what it is now.

I understand 100% that he gets tired. I'm proud of him for everything that he does. I just thought I'd explain the reasons he is genuinely tired.

As a sidenote: I work too, but from my home office. I can take whatever days off as long as I meet deadlines. I really enjoy what I do for a living as it's always been my passion and hobby and I'm usually not tired after work.

The problem is this:
I know he's tired, I truly understand this. But, it still messes with how I feel.  When I say maybe we can fun tomorrow and then I see his face while he thinks of the hard day he has coming up, I know he's going to say no and he does. And I get it, I completely get why he's too tired.

But still, I feel so rejected and it plays a number on how I feel about myself. I start to think if I was some drop dead gorgeous woman he wouldn't ever reject me. Maybe if I still looked as good as I did in my 20s, or when he couldn't keep his hands off me, he wouldn't say no, no matter how tired he is. I also start to think maybe I need to lose weight, I'm a bit over 5'5" and 140 lbs and maybe 10 lbs lighter will make me more desirable. Sometimes I will pitifully cry myself to sleep at night in bed and try to not let him hear so I don't look like a dumbass. Even typing this I hold back tears, it all just really hurts my feelings.

I feel like the whole problem is out of my control, that I can't do anything to fix it. I can't make him less tired and I can't morph myself into some super sexy 6 foot tall super model meets porn star woman.

Also, it's not so much the actual sex that I miss. It's the closeness.

We have plans for a nice date night for an upcoming evening after he's done work and my husband has never canceled plans on me, so I'm confident we will have our date.

But I wonder how long it will be until the next one. And I worry the gaps will get longer and longer -- Is there a way to prevent that from happening?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

so_sweet said:


> It's been two weeks since my husband and I have had sex. We usually have sex at least three times a week. In the not too distant past, we've had gaps like this before due to him being tired. So it's not the first time.
> 
> He works seven days a week. He has his regular 9-5 job Mon-Fri, and runs his own buisness, both are physically demanding.
> 
> ...


Aw, I'm sorry you're feeling rejected and neglected. I don't think it's a reflection on you though. I've known a couple of workaholics and I believe he is one. Now it is true that sometimes workaholics work so much to avoid coming home to family chaos, but I'm not really getting that vibe here unless you hear some truth in that. Some people do use work as an escape from family.

But some people are just workaholics and they get some satisfaction from that. One of my ex-boyfriends is that way and I worked with him for a long time so I know for sure exactly how workaholic he was. I just had lunch with him for the first time in a long time yesterday and he's retired now just as of this year and he says he misses all the communicating he used to have to do. He said he gets to feeling lonely because that's the facet that he misses. He was used to being kind of a big man that people sucked up to and schmoozed, and that's all gone now I guess.

He's married with one child still at home. His wife is a little younger than him and still working. Everything seems to be going okay there with just some little issues with the teenager. He just misses having his life filled up with all that back and forth stuff.

I imagine your husband has some facet that he is very attached to as well and that's probably his identity. I'm glad he's making time to be with you soon. Maybe he'll wind down a little on the work as he gets a little older. But don't start criticizing yourself because of it. He's just a worker bee. Be sure he knows you miss having alone time with him. Good luck.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I think you need to talk with him about slowing down. He might not be around much longer if he doesn’t. Working that hard every day isn’t good for ones health. You need to have a conversation about making time for you.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

so_sweet said:


> But still, I feel so rejected and it plays a number on how I feel about myself. I start to think if I was some drop dead gorgeous woman he wouldn't ever reject me. Maybe if I still looked as good as I did in my 20s, when he couldn't keep his hands off me, he wouldn't say no, no matter how tired he is. I also think maybe I need to lose weight, I'm a bit over 5'5" and 140 lbs and maybe 10 lbs lighter will make me more desirable. Sometimes I will pitifully cry myself to sleep at night in bed and try to not let him hear so I don't look like a dumbass. Even typing this I hold back tears, it all just really hurts my feelings.
> 
> I feel like the whole problem is out of my control, that I can't do anything to fix it. I can't make him less tired and I can't morph myself into some super sexy 6 foot tall super model meets porn star woman.


Does your husband know that you feel this way and are moved to cry yourself to sleep over this?


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Aw, I'm sorry you're feeling rejected and neglected. I don't think it's a reflection on you though. I've known a couple of workaholics and I believe he is one. Now it is true that sometimes workaholics work so much to avoid coming home to family chaos, but I'm not really getting that vibe here unless you hear some truth in that. Some people do use work as an escape from family.


Thanks for the kind words. He can't wait to come home after work, so your vibe is right. 


ABHale said:


> I think you need to talk with him about slowing down. He might not be around much longer if he doesn’t. Working that hard every day isn’t good for ones health. You need to have a conversation about making time for you.


Thanks for this advice. I'm going to tell him that. The hope is the buisness continues to do well and then he will quit his regular job.


Personal said:


> Does your husband know that you feel this way and are moved to cry yourself to sleep over this?


No, I've never told him. It's happened a few times and once he asked me while in bed if I was crying and I said it was just allergies. I felt dumb to say I was crying.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

so_sweet said:


> It's been two weeks since my husband and I have had sex. We usually have sex at least three times a week. In the not too distant past, we've had gaps like this before due to him being tired. So it's not the first time.
> 
> He works seven days a week. He has his regular job and runs his own buisness, both are physically demanding.
> 
> ...


@so_sweet The thing that stands out to me…I’ve been guilty myself… is that your husband is forgetting his first duty. Working long hours and doing charity work is admirable and can take on a life of its own sometimes. But his _first duty_ is to you and your marriage.

Those things that make him too tired to be attentive to you _must_ be scaled back. He may not even be aware that he’s doing this, or perhaps he believes the nobility of the cause outweighs the price paid. This is wrong thinking and I feel like a gentle conversation here might work wonders. He just needs a reminder to make a small prioritization “tweak” in my opinion.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I think you can make the most of your time together when you do have it, and I think having a conversation with him about this, just that you're concerned that you're both losing intimacy, might be helpful? In the meantime, enjoy the time you do have together, even if it's watching a movie together or something. It doesn't have to be elaborate, it can just be 30 minutes of quality time, being together - here and there. If date night does fall through, you're still making the most of the time you spend together.

He may need to take a step back though from something, put less hours in somewhere. In the end, you both have to agree to make time for each other. You need to also change the narrative in your mind that there is something 'wrong' with you, so he must be losing interest. That doesn't serve any good purpose, really. I don't believe your husband is 'rejecting' you on a personal level, although it might feel that way; he just has a lot going on, and not enough hours in the day it sounds like.

Hope things get better for you.


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## harperlee (May 1, 2018)

so_sweet said:


> He works seven days a week. He has his regular job and runs his own buisness, both are physically demanding.
> 
> He also does charity work (also physically demanding for the most part). He does this on his own not through any charity, just him and his truck and often with a friend or two.


Don't cry yourself 'pitifully' to sleep; do it stoically. 
I'm thinking that it's miraculous that your husband would be human with all that, lol.
Your weight,height and not being a super model surely are not the cause with the obvious lack of time.
Maybe ride with him in his truck and pitch in with the charity work.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

so_sweet said:


> But still, I feel so rejected and it plays a number on how I feel about myself. I start to think if I was some drop dead gorgeous woman he wouldn't ever reject me. Maybe if I still looked as good as I did in my 20s, when he couldn't keep his hands off me, he wouldn't say no, no matter how tired he is.


Never allow yourself to be consumed by this myth.



> We have plans for a nice date night for an upcoming evening after he's done work and my husband has never canceled plans on me, so I'm confident we will have our date.
> But I wonder how long it will be until the next one. And I worry the gaps will get longer and longer -- Is there a way to prevent that from happening?


Yes, you talk to him.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> @so_sweet The thing that stands out to me…I’ve been guilty myself… is that your husband is forgetting his first duty. Working long hours and doing charity work is admirable and can take on a life of its own sometimes. But his _first duty_ is to you and your marriage.
> 
> Those things that make him too tired to be attentive to you _must_ be scaled back. He may not even be aware that he’s doing this, or perhaps he believes the nobility of the cause outweighs the price paid. This is wrong thinking and I feel like a gentle conversation here might work wonders. He just needs a reminder to make a small prioritization “tweak” in my opinion.


You always have such words of wisdom. Thank-you. I have spoken a little with him about it, but I didn't really know what exactly to say besides just asking when we can be together (intimate). We do spend time together hanging out and he's affectionate, but sex just hasn't been happening as regurarly as it normally does. 

Thanks again...I think that $1.95 must have gone up quite a bit by now!


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> Never allow yourself to be consumed by this myth.
> Yes, you talk to him.


Hey, thanks for this. It's hard not to believe it because it's something I've often heard, that a man is never too tired when it comes to sex. I realize that can't be true (at least for most men), but it's still something that crosses my mind.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

so_sweet said:


> Thanks again...I think that $1.95 must have gone up quite a bit by now!


Ha ha, I completely forgot about that! You have a good memory!

Thank you for the kind words, I hope they help you in with your situation.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

so_sweet said:


> Hey, thanks for this. It's hard not to believe it because it's something I've often heard, *that a man is never too tired when it comes to sex.* I realize that can't be true (at least for most men), but it's still something that crosses my mind.


That line of thought has also led to a lot of REAL problems for me in the past with the two most influential women in my life; ex-wife / ex-fiancee. Not saying we didn't have other issues, but that line of thought is one of them.

They weren't as gracious with it as you currently are however; they started fights over it, demanded sex, accused me of cheating, not desiring them, made me feel never good enough. All these made the issues worse and it was a turn off for me no matter how beautiful or attracted I was to them. I have no idea how I 'lucked out' with the devil's lottery having the same damn issue with both of them.

If it ever crosses your mind, expel it. It is an unrealistic expectation to put on men.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I think you can make the most of your time together when you do have it, and I think having a conversation with him about this, just that you're concerned that you're both losing intimacy, might be helpful? In the meantime, enjoy the time you do have together, even if it's watching a movie together or something. It doesn't have to be elaborate, it can just be 30 minutes of quality time, being together - here and there. If date night does fall through, you're still making the most of the time you spend together.
> 
> He may need to take a step back though from something, put less hours in somewhere. In the end, you both have to agree to make time for each other. You need to also change the narrative in your mind that there is something 'wrong' with you, so he must be losing interest. That doesn't serve any good purpose, really. I don't believe your husband is 'rejecting' you on a personal level, although it might feel that way; he just has a lot going on, and not enough hours in the day it sounds like.
> 
> Hope things get better for you.


I think you're absolutely right that he needs to step back from something. We do spend time together, it's just that being intimate isn't happening as regularly as it always has.

I think a good talk is the answer. I just don't know what to say or how to get through to him


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

so_sweet said:


> No, I've never told him. It's happened a few times and once he asked me while in bed if I was crying and I said it was just allergies. I felt dumb to say I was crying.


Well I think you should absolutely tell him, all of that and how it makes you feel.



so_sweet said:


> I feel like the whole problem is out of my control, that I can't do anything to fix it.


That sense of things being out of control, is a consequence of your acquiescence to that situation combined with your reluctance to talk about it. All of which doesn't afford your husband an opportunity to resolve this with you, which is damaging to your shared relationship with him.

Likewise perhaps you should watch this.



Personal said:


> About 1 in 3 women will experience low sexual desire in their life, while 1 in 6 men will experience low sexual desire in their life.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

so_sweet said:


> I think a good talk is the answer. I just don't know what to say or how to get through to him


When this happened to me it, ‘the talk’ was actually a very simple matter. The focal point of the conversation should revolve around the importance of you, and of your marriage, compared to anything else in the world.

I don‘t know about your husband, but for me, once I realized that I was letting work, or ministry work, come between me and my wife, the choice was clear and not much convincing was needed.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I can't speak for your husband, or provide a male perspective. Yet despite querying whether you do actually doubt your physical appeal and then questioning whether I ought to provide this form of external validation, feel the need to point out the obvious regardless for what it's worth - and that's that I think you look great. Remember also that confidence is typically appealing too. Anyway gorgeous, that gets us to the main thing...

Time for you to have a conversation with your man. Doubting yourself, crying yourself to sleep and all that jazz isn't the way forward. He needs to understand this is important to your marriage for connection - without blame, and with focus on how priorities can be adjusted slightly to ensure time and energy for shared sexual intimacy occurs.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> That line of thought has also led to a lot of REAL problems for me in the past with the two most influential women in my life; ex-wife / ex-fiancee. Not saying we didn't have other issues, but that line of thought is one of them.
> 
> They weren't as gracious with it as you currently are however; they started fights over it, demanded sex, accused me of cheating, not desiring them, made me feel never good enough. All these made the issues worse and it was a turn off for me no matter how beautiful or attracted I was to them. I have no idea how I 'lucked out' with the devil's lottery having the same damn issue with both of them.
> 
> If it ever crosses your mind, expel it. It is an unrealistic expectation to put on men.


It's actually really good to hear a man's perspective on this. For this reason alone I'm glad I posted this thread. My husband can say that to me, but because it's personal, I might still think it's because of me being undesirable...etc. 

I'm sorry that you went through all of that. I really appreciate you sharing your experiences with me. It's an eye-opener.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Personal said:


> All of which doesn't afford your husband an opportunity to resolve this with you, which is damaging to your shared relationship with him.


Amen.


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## Jimmysgirl (9 mo ago)

I haven't read the responses here but my take is this. He sounds like a WONDERFUL man. Hard working and giving. However, and it's a BIG however...charity work should come AFTER the needs of your family are met. And a close loving relationship is a need for a married couple. Family first, charity second. And make sure he knows you appreciate him, he sounds like one helluva guy


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Jimmysgirl said:


> I haven't read the responses here but my take is this. He sounds like a WONDERFUL man. Hard working and giving. However, and it's a BIG however...charity work should come AFTER the needs of your family are met. And a close loving relationship is a need for a married couple. Family first, charity second. *And make sure he knows you appreciate him,* he sounds like one helluva guy


VERY important.



so_sweet said:


> It's actually really good to hear a man's perspective on this. For this reason alone I'm glad I posted this thread. *My husband can say that to me, but because it's personal, I might still think it's because of me being undesirable...etc.*
> 
> I'm sorry that you went through all of that. I really appreciate you sharing your experiences with me. It's an eye-opener.


Yes, but I'm sure you can understand how frustrating this can be for the man.


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## Jimmysgirl (9 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> Yes, but I'm sure you can understand how frustrating this can be for the man.


And you just helped me in my relationship, thank you for that.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> When this happened to me it, ‘the talk’ was actually a very simple matter. The focal point of the conversation should revolve around the importance of you, and of your marriage, compared to anything else in the world.
> 
> I don‘t know about your husband, but for me, once I realized that I was letting work, or ministry work, come between me and my wife, the choice was clear and not much convincing was needed.


Similarly, I would suggest a conversation about what you each prioritize in the relationship and express how much you enjoy the closeness of sexual intimacy with him while listening to what he expresses as his priorities (as a starting point). And let it flow from there; remembering that you're on the same team.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Personal said:


> Well I think you should absolutely tell him, all of that and how it makes you feel.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thanks for the great advice and video (I will have to watch it tomorrow when I'm not sleepy). I have talked to him but I'm thinking not properly. When I've talked to him about it, it's always been asking him why we're not having sex as regularly as we always have, which he replies that he's been really tired lately, and that ends the conversation. So, I think I need to tell him how it makes me feel as you suggested.

It's funny, I write for a living, I get paid for putting words together, yet I can't come up with the words for this talk with hubby!

(And now please no one judge my writing by how I write my posts, I'm much better when writing professionally!  )


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> VERY important.
> 
> 
> 
> Yes, but I'm sure you can understand how frustrating this can be for the man.


100% , especially after reading your thoughts and experiences regarding "a man is never tired when it comes to sex." 
I totally get it now, that it's simply just not true. Thanks again.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

so_sweet said:


> It's been two weeks since my husband and I have had sex. We usually have sex at least three times a week. In the not too distant past, we've had gaps like this before due to him being tired. So it's not the first time.
> 
> He works seven days a week. He has his regular job and runs his own buisness, both are physically demanding.
> 
> ...


He works 7 days a week and does physically demanding charity work...

Can you get involved in the work he does? Or, if not more involved, then just more present? 

If you can make him smile while he is working, without trying to pull him away from his work, he will follow you anywhere. 

Sounds to me like he needs to take some time off. If you try to convince him to, do it by making time with you fun and fulfilling. I get the impression he cares about you a lot, but he stretches himself too thin.
And have you talked to him about it all? He might not even know that you are feeling disconnected. After all, he has something he _has_ to worry about every day of the week...


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

heartsbeating said:


> I can't speak for your husband, or provide a male perspective. Yet despite querying whether you do actually doubt your physical appeal and then questioning whether I ought to provide this form of external validation, feel the need to point out the obvious regardless for what it's worth - and that's that I think you look great. Remember also that confidence is typically appealing too. Anyway gorgeous, that gets us to the main thing...
> 
> Time for you to have a conversation with your man. Doubting yourself, crying yourself to sleep and all that jazz isn't the way forward. He needs to understand this is important to your marriage for connection - without blame, and with focus on how priorities can be adjusted slightly to ensure time and energy for shared sexual intimacy occurs.


Thank-you so much for the really kind compliment. My husband tells me he thinks I'm very beautiful, that he loves my body and a lot of other nice things. 

It's just that after he's turned me down for sex, I start to think I'm not good enough, not pretty enough...etc. And if I'm to be completely honest, I probably do lack confidence when it comes to how I look -- without really getting into it, I grew up in the shadow of my older sister who everyone thought was so beautiful. I was the ugly sister. So maybe that plays a part.

I like what you said about without blame and focus on priorities and the rest of it. Appreciate the good advice.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

As'laDain said:


> If you can make him smile while he is working, without trying to pull him away from his work, he will follow you anywhere.


This part made me smile! Such a sweet thought!



As'laDain said:


> He works 7 days a week and does physically demanding charity work...
> 
> Can you get involved in the work he does? Or, if not more involved, then just more present?
> 
> ...


I have said I'll come along to help and he says "Ay! Oh! What are you gonna lift? There's no purses there, ya know!" His work involves heavy lifting, construction, that sort of thing. Oh, and he's just joking around about the purse thing, it might be a lame joke but it makes me laugh. 

We have talked but it's been short conversation, pretty much I ask if we can be intimate and he says he's tired. I need to have a talk with him and let him know how it's making me feel.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

so_sweet said:


> This part made me smile! Such a sweet thought!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Do let him know, but also accept what he says about how he feels. He may not know it is bothering you.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

What about being intimate in the morning after he's had a good night sleep? What a great way to start the day.😁


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

sideways said:


> What about being intimate in the morning after he's had a good night sleep? What a great way to start the day.😁


Ooh... That makes for a damned good day.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

sideways said:


> What about being intimate in the morning after he's had a good night sleep? What a great way to start the day.😁


What a great way to be late!


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

sideways said:


> What about being intimate in the morning after he's had a good night sleep? What a great way to start the day.😁


I go back to sleep after sex in the morning... not very good for my workload and deadlines...


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

sideways said:


> What about being intimate in the morning after he's had a good night sleep? What a great way to start the day.😁


Hubby is in the car already driving to work at 6 am, and even earlier if he's traveling to a worksite that's further away. So although morning time does sound pretty great, I don't think waking up at 4-5 am to do it would work unfortunately. He just left for work about a half hour ago actually. I always get up to say bye (and make sure he doesn't forget his lunch!), even if I've only had a few hours of sleep like right now! Thanks for the suggestion!



Jimmysgirl said:


> I haven't read the responses here but my take is this. He sounds like a WONDERFUL man. Hard working and giving. However, and it's a BIG however...charity work should come AFTER the needs of your family are met. And a close loving relationship is a need for a married couple. Family first, charity second. And make sure he knows you appreciate him, he sounds like one helluva guy


Thanks for the advice and I agree with you, he is pretty wonderful. He got off early from work yesterday and made dinner when he came home. I don't mind cooking every day at all, but he says it's not fair if I'm the one always cooking. I do feel very lucky to have him.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

so_sweet said:


> Hey, thanks for this. It's hard not to believe it because it's something I've often heard, that a man is never too tired when it comes to sex. I realize that can't be true (at least for most men), but it's still something that crosses my mind.


I have a high sexual drive relative to my wife and have turned her down before due to exhaustion although I will always provide an alternative time like, “in a few hours”.

As for the OP’s situation communication is important. If he’s rejecting you too frequently then you can use “I feel” language. When we don’t have sex regularly I feel… and fill in the blanks. See what he says.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

You said you've gone through "gaps" before... so why are you in turmoil this time?


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## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

Sometimes we do need to be patient with our spouses, then sometimes being patient only turns into more calendar page turning. At that point your not being patient, your doing nothing. I have made this mistake, and the feeling of rejection only gets worse as time goes on when you want your spouse so bad but they spend all available energy elsewhere. You get to the point where when they say “I gotta go take the car in for service” How come the car is allowed to get service but I can’t? It is a feeling like you are in absolute last place in the hierarchy of their time. Please talk to him in a meaningful way. You don’t have to make my mistake.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

so_sweet said:


> It's been two weeks since my husband and I have had sex. We usually have sex at least three times a week. In the not too distant past, we've had gaps like this before due to him being tired. So it's not the first time.
> 
> He works seven days a week. He has his regular job and runs his own buisness, both are physically demanding.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry you are going through this. 
Does he have to work this much? Do you think he'd be willing to scale back on the total hours and the number of days worked for the health of the marriage and family? "Overworking" or being a "workaholic" is a real thing. As long as the bills are paid and the family is taken care of financially all should be good. 
If he keeps working this much I see no way this could change.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

so_sweet said:


> Hubby is in the car already driving to work at 6 am, and even earlier if he's traveling to a worksite that's further away. So although morning time does sound pretty great, I don't think waking up at 4-5 am to do it would work unfortunately. He just left for work about a half hour ago actually. I always get up to say bye (and make sure he doesn't forget his lunch!), even if I've only had a few hours of sleep like right now! Thanks for the suggestion!
> 
> 
> Thanks for the advice and I agree with you, he is pretty wonderful. He got off early from work yesterday and made dinner when he came home. I don't mind cooking every day at all, but he says it's not fair if I'm the one always cooking. I do feel very lucky to have him.


If it's important to you why wouldn't you be willing to wake up early a few times a week to be intimate with him? One of the times could be on the weekend. He wouldn't have the reason of being tired because he would have just had a good night sleep. It's a solution to your problem. Isn't that what you're looking for?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I second riding with him in the truck doing charitable work.

.................................................................

I was your husband, I worked two jobs, 7 days a week, plus served in the Army Reserve forces, later the National Guard.

I was a long distance runner, ran 10K's and Marathons.

I totally remodeled my house. Yes, it took freakin' forever.

I was crazy active for decades.

I was never too tired for sex. *Sex came first* (nice pun) then the long 'cool down' runs!

*I made sex and intimacy a priority, he is not.

...............................................................*


Tell him how you feel, tell him you need intimacy three times a week.
Put his balls in your court.

Let him fear your loss, or maybe your straying.

*Make him feel comfortable in your' home, not tense.
Hopefully, he is not trying to escape home life....and you.*



_Are Dee-_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

so_sweet said:


> It's been two weeks since my husband and I have had sex. We usually have sex at least three times a week. In the not too distant past, we've had gaps like this before due to him being tired. So it's not the first time.
> 
> He works seven days a week. He has his regular job and runs his own buisness, both are physically demanding.
> 
> ...


I'm sure someone has already mentioned this but your husband has to pull back on how much he is extending himself.

Working hard, building a business and taking care of the community are all good things to do but they lose their meaning when he doesn't apply that effort at home first.

He has to make his family a top priority. You and your children should be his best work, business and charity.

I got carried away for a few years when my boys were still little. I was doing similar things that your husband was. Working 70 hours a week, building a business and conducting charity work. I was able to include my wife and children with the charity functions but I wasn't just taking time for them.

My wife and I were still having sex at a good rate but, if I had it to do again, I would cut back a lot and spend more time on and with my wife and kids.

You can always make more money and the poor and needy will always be with us but you can never get more time and the moments of a life go too quickly.

If I could talk to your husband, I would do my best to convince him as an older man to a younger that his wife and family need him too. It's one of my regrets looking back.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I am by no means looking to start a 'p!ssing contest' surrounding gender. However, your best guide on how to deal with emotional rejection will always be, men. We are pros at dealing with it. The distinction between a well adjusted, and integrated man, vs. the guy who can never get a date, or establish a LTR due to fear, is ones ability to accept, and manage emotional rejection.

Your easy fix for this?

Flip the script. Teach yourself to get along just fine without 'craving' his attention. Based upon your other posts, I'm presuming your relationship is otherwise on solid ground. You know he loves you. Overwhelmingly, aside from your desire/need for sex when and where you want it, he is meeting your needs. If the dynamic you currently have established is that he is anxious over you asking for intimacy, and your anxious about being rejected; then take it off the table for a while.

Focus on something solely for you. Has nothing to do with him. Doesn't require him or an investment of his time. Not suggesting being completely aloof, or ignoring him, but simply don't actively engage ... because at the moment, that is what he expects.

A funny thing happens when you change the dynamic of a relationship.

It changes the dynamic of the relationship.

Done well, it leads to reinvestment and even more bonding.
Done poorly, it widens the gap. As with all things relationship related it is important to pay attention and recognize what the dynamic is. I'm all for collaboration and communication. Making your needs known, and the fact that they are being met or not ... is very important. However, when it comes to resolving issues or conflict, it is generally the doing of things, rather than words that have the biggest impact.

_Editing to add_
I want to be clear, the advice I just gave you, is pretty much the advice I give EVERY man that comes here posting about the lack of sex, or feeling unappreciated in their relationship. It is a starting point. And a good one, for moving forward.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> You said you've gone through "gaps" before... so why are you in turmoil this time?


Because I'm worried it's turning into a pattern and the gaps in between the intimate times will get longer.

Editing to add: Just want to say that it did bother me the first time too but I chalked it up to being a one time thing. The next time it happened, it bothered me and made me think about it more, and now I believe we're on our third time of it happening.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

kh4OffRoad said:


> Sometimes we do need to be patient with our spouses, then sometimes being patient only turns into more calendar page turning. At that point your not being patient, your doing nothing. I have made this mistake, and the feeling of rejection only gets worse as time goes on when you want your spouse so bad but they spend all available energy elsewhere. You get to the point where when they say “I gotta go take the car in for service” How come the car is allowed to get service but I can’t? It is a feeling like you are in absolute last place in the hierarchy of their time. Please talk to him in a meaningful way. You don’t have to make my mistake.


Thanks for sharing your experience. This is what I'm afraid of. I do plan on talking to him this weekend. Thanks again.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

SunCMars said:


> I second riding with him in the truck doing charitable work.


There's two ways of reading that.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

sideways said:


> If it's important to you why wouldn't you be willing to wake up early a few times a week to be intimate with him? One of the times could be on the weekend. He wouldn't have the reason of being tired because he would have just had a good night sleep. It's a solution to your problem. Isn't that what you're looking for?


My husband sleeps more than I do and if he woke up at 4-5 am to have sex, he would be tired at work the whole day. Sometimes even after 8 hours of sleep, he says he wishes he could've slept a little more.

Editing to add: He works on weekends too. He works 7 days a week.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

so_sweet said:


> My husband sleeps more than I do and if he woke up at 4-5 am to have sex, he would be tired at work the whole day. Sometimes even after 8 hours of sleep, he says he wishes he could've slept a little more.


His health could be taking a bit of a hit as well.


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## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

so_sweet said:


> Thanks for sharing your experience. This is what I'm afraid of. I do plan on talking to him this weekend. Thanks again.


Anytime! I’m glad you brought this up from an emotional point of view. I think we offend forget about how it makes us feel when our spouse does give us the time, energy and space to be with them. Also how soul-crushing it can be to have them tell us more or less that they don’t have the time or energy for us. But somehow they can make a 30 minute phone call to a long lost friend a priority, or something else in life.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> I'm sure someone has already mentioned this but your husband has to pull back on how much he is extending himself.
> 
> Working hard, building a business and taking care of the community are all good things to do but they lose their meaning when he doesn't apply that effort at home first.
> 
> ...


It's comforting to know that others have been through it too, so thanks for sharing what you went through. 

My husband worries of of a day of not being able to provide, he wants to have a good amount saved for for retirement and for a rainy day.

His parents divorced when he was young and his mom worked as a waitress and she struggled to put food on the table. She lived a very stressful life after the divorce. She unexpectedly passed away in her sleep at only 58 years old (her heart stopped, no history of heart problems). I tell my husband to slow down but I think he has a fear of not being able to provide one day and wants to make money, as he says while he still can.

I work as well and I've told him I can pick up more work (I refused some work because it was writing as a ghost writer and turned down an opportunity to write a book about plants-too boring!), but I told him I'll do it if it means he will work less. We'll see. Right now, I earn a little more than he does, but if I took on some extra work, I would make a lot more.

Anyway, I'm so sorry to ramble. I thought maybe sharing some possible reasons why he works so much might paint a bigger picture of things.

Thanks again for sharing your experience, it's quite helpful. I think it all boils down to having talk and really getting through to him -- and your advice, along with everyone else's, is helpful and I will reread everything in this thread before having the talk with him. You all are pretty great--thank-you.


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## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

so_sweet said:


> It's comforting to know that others have been through it too, so thanks for sharing what you went through.
> 
> My husband worries of of a day of not being able to provide, he wants to have a good amount saved for for retirement and for a rainy day.
> 
> ...


Yea, it does feel great to have this site with someone to bounce ideas off of. Sometimes it’s easier to talk to people on here then your actual friends. Especially about such sensitive matters. If your talk is successful, will you please start a new conversation about: how you approached it and how it got resolved? I need to have this talk soon too.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Deejo said:


> I am by no means looking to start a 'p!ssing contest' surrounding gender. However, your best guide on how to deal with emotional rejection will always be, men. We are pros at dealing with it. The distinction between a well adjusted, and integrated man, vs. the guy who can never get a date, or establish a LTR due to fear, is ones ability to accept, and manage emotional rejection.
> 
> Your easy fix for this?
> 
> ...


I have never thought about it that way. If I'm understanding this correctly, I should lay off asking for sex for awhile while still maintainng a good relationship with my husband. Oh, and yes, our relationship is on solid ground. I'm willing to try almost anything that will help and your advice has given me some food for thought. Thank-you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Everyone needs time off from work. Working 7 days a week just isn't sustainable. Something has to give.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

kh4OffRoad said:


> Yea, it does feel great to have this site with someone to bounce ideas off of. Sometimes it’s easier to talk to people on here then your actual friends. Especially about such sensitive matters. If your talk is successful, will you please start a new conversation about: how you approached it and how it got resolved? I need to have this talk soon too.


I will definitely update after our talk. Maybe it will take more than one conversation, but when I have an update, I will definitely share.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

sideways said:


> What about being intimate in the morning after he's had a good night sleep? What a great way to start the day.😁


This is great advice. My wife is always beat at the end of the day. Morning sex easily makes up 75% of our sex life. Even she feels an extra pep.in her step on a day we have sex in the morning.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

I agree with BigDaddyNY. Everything flows better in the morning.

I haven't read through all the responses, so at risk of duplicating, how about scheduled time just cuddling nude? Never know what might come up. My wife has no libido, but it works for her.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

so_sweet said:


> Thanks for the kind words. He can't wait to come home after work, so your vibe is right.
> 
> Thanks for this advice. I'm going to tell him that. The hope is the buisness continues to do well and then he will quit his regular job.
> 
> No, I've never told him. It's happened a few times and once he asked me while in bed if I was crying and I said it was just allergies. I felt dumb to say I was crying.


You need to learn to talk this part out.


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## Junebug86 (Mar 16, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> I'm sure someone has already mentioned this but your husband has to pull back on how much he is extending himself.
> 
> Working hard, building a business and taking care of the community are all good things to do but they lose their meaning when he doesn't apply that effort at home first.
> 
> ...


You say it’s not the sex, it’s the closeness you miss. You can always cuddle. As far as some other drop dead gorgeous woman coming along, QUOTE="ABHale, post: 20516193, member: 226657"]
You need to learn to talk this part out.
[/QUOTE]


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> This is great advice. My wife is always beat at the end of the day. Morning sex easily makes up 75% of our sex life. Even she feels an extra pep.in her step on a day we have sex in the morning.





Julie's Husband said:


> I agree with BigDaddyNY. Everything flows better in the morning.
> 
> I haven't read through all the responses, so at risk of duplicating, how about scheduled time just cuddling nude? Never know what might come up. My wife has no libido, but it works for her.


Hey, thanks so much for the suggestions.
I mentioned earlier in the thread that morning time would not work -- My husband sleeps more than I do and if he woke up at 4-5 am to have sex, he would be tired at work the whole day. Sometimes even after 8 hours of sleep, he says he wishes he could've slept a little more. He works on weekends too. He works 7 days a week. 

I think tonight might be a good time to have a heart to heart conversation with him. 

Thank-you, everyone, for the kind words and great advice. It will be very useful when I speak with him about it all.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Junebug86 said:


> You say it’s not the sex, it’s the closeness you miss. You can always cuddle. As far as some other drop dead gorgeous woman coming along, QUOTE="ABHale, post: 20516193, member: 226657"]
> You need to learn to talk this part out.


Please forgive me if I'm misunderstanding what you mean in the above quote, but I'm not afraid of some other woman coming along. I don't think my husband would ever cheat on me. But as they say, never say never, and if he did, I would have no problem telling him goodbye. 

I may have my moments of not feeling confident in the way I look, I may not be "drop dead gorgeous", but I am very, very confident in the person that I am. Meaning, I know my worth and I know that I don't deserve to be with a man who will so easily disregard my love for him in that way. 

And, yes, cuddling is good!


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## Junebug86 (Mar 16, 2021)

so_sweet said:


> Please forgive me if I'm misunderstanding what you mean in the above quote, but I'm not afraid of some other woman coming along. I don't think my husband would ever cheat on me. But as they say, never say never, and if he did, I would have no problem telling him goodbye.
> 
> I may have my moments of not feeling confident in the way I look, I may not be "drop dead gorgeous", but I am very, very confident in the person that I am. Meaning, I know my worth and I know that I don't deserve to be with a man who will so easily disregard my love for him in that way.
> 
> And, yes, cuddling is good!


Didn’t finish my post, sorry! Maybe, while your husband is feeling overworked you could be the one to provide more in the area of affection until things slow down. My husband loves the cuddle time and it actually lifts his spirits. We started this about five years ago after his heart surgery. In addition, I bought a weighted blanket that really does make you feel physically secure and helps you relax. Sounds crazy, but it’s been a great purchase. Once my husband is under the covers and relaxed, we have spent 10 or 15 minutes then anything can happen. A lot of time, it is turning off the brain and resting a tired body that helps get him in the mood.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

so_sweet said:


> did bother me the *first time* too but I chalked it up to being a one time thing. The *next time it happened, it bothered me* and made me think about it more, and now *I believe we're on our third time of it happening*.


Maybe I missed it, but have you just straight up had a long discussion with him about how this is making you feel. Crying in bed and telling him it is allergies just builds resentment in you and disconnects the two of you. Your husband needs to know how his actions are affecting his wife.

My wife, early in our marriage would get p1st at me for some reason that I wasn't aware of. After all, we were still learning one another. I knew she wasn't happy about SOMETHING because she would get quiet. I ask her what is wrong and response is "nothing is wrong, nothing." So after probing for hours the truth finally comes tumbling out.

We were just kids. You and your husband aren't kids. So tell him what is 'bugging' you.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

.


Junebug86 said:


> Didn’t finish my post, sorry! Maybe, while your husband is feeling overworked you could be the one to provide more in the area of affection until things slow down. My husband loves the cuddle time and it actually lifts his spirits. We started this about five years ago after his heart surgery. In addition, I bought a weighted blanket that really does make you feel physically secure and helps you relax. Sounds crazy, but it’s been a great purchase. Once my husband is under the covers and relaxed, we have spent 10 or 15 minutes then anything can happen. A lot of time, it is turning off the brain and resting a tired body that helps get him in the mood.


The weighted blanket sounds interesting - I'm guessing you use it alone (not together with your husband)? Thanks for the tips!


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

so_sweet said:


> Hey, thanks so much for the suggestions.
> I mentioned earlier in the thread that morning time would not work -- My husband sleeps more than I do and if he woke up at 4-5 am to have sex, he would be tired at work the whole day. Sometimes even after 8 hours of sleep, he says he wishes he could've slept a little more. He works on weekends too. He works 7 days a week.
> 
> I think tonight might be a good time to have a heart to heart conversation with him.
> ...


You're making this WAY harder than it has to be. 

Your husband can't wake up 30 minutes earlier two days a week to be intimate with you? 

He definitely can but if he chooses not to than you have bigger issues than not being intimate with him.


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## Junebug86 (Mar 16, 2021)

so_sweet said:


> .
> 
> The weighted blanket sounds interesting - I'm guessing you use it alone (not together with your husband)? Thanks for the tips!


No, it is a king size! Quility is the brand and is on Amazon. They come in different weighs, ours is 25 lbs. Cuddle time along with the blanket has been a game changer. My husband is a scientist (not exactly touchy/emotional type) and I never thought in a million years, he would buy into cuddle time and weighted blankets. I didn’t have to provide any research for him to buy into the concept. Now, he insists on it!


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> Maybe I missed it, but have you just straight up had a long discussion with him about how this is making you feel. Crying in bed and telling him it is allergies just builds resentment in you and disconnects the two of you. Your husband needs to know how his actions are affecting his wife.
> 
> My wife, early in our marriage would get p1st at me for some reason that I wasn't aware of. After all, we were still learning one another. I knew she wasn't happy about SOMETHING because she would get quiet. I ask her what is wrong and response is "nothing is wrong, nothing." So after probing for hours the truth finally comes tumbling out.
> 
> We were just kids. You and your husband aren't kids. So tell him what is 'bugging' you.


We have talked about it before but not a really detailed discussion where I've told him that it's made my cry. I do plan on having a conversation with him about it all, perhaps tonight or maybe tomorrow.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

sideways said:


> You're making this WAY harder than it has to be.
> 
> Your husband can't wake up 30 minutes earlier two days a week to be intimate with you?
> 
> He definitely can but if he chooses not to than you have bigger issues than not being intimate with him.


Oh? And what would those bigger issues be?

Editing to add: That's a serious question. I don't think we have any bigger issues and I'm genuinely curious what bigger issues you think there could be.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

so_sweet said:


> We have talked about it before but not a really detailed discussion where I've told him that it's made my cry. I do plan on having a conversation with him about it all, perhaps tonight or maybe tomorrow.


I’m betting once he knows, he will act to remedy your feelings of rejection. Get better work/life balance for his and your benefit.

No one on their death bed laments they didnt spend more time at the office. What ultimately matters most is time spent with our loved ones.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> I’m betting once he knows, he will act to remedy your feelings of rejection. Get better work/life balance for his and your benefit.
> 
> No one on their death bed laments they didnt spend more time at the office. What ultimately matters most is time spent with our loved ones.


I think you are right about how he will act once he fully knows how I'm truly feeling, especially the crying thing. He's a really good guy and I think once he realizes everything, we will be able to work it out. Thanks so much for the wonderful advice and kind words.


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## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

sideways said:


> You're making this WAY harder than it has to be.
> 
> Your husband can't wake up 30 minutes earlier two days a week to be intimate with you?
> 
> He definitely can but if he chooses not to than you have bigger issues than not being intimate with him.


You don’t get it, it seems like a no brainer. He can find 15-30 minutes for his wife if it’s necessary. However he puts that same exact 15-30 minutes into something else. It’s nothing to do with sex. It’s everything to do with intimacy, he will move heaven and earth to make 15-30 minutes for anyone else. His spouse he only doesn’t have that time for. This is the very definition of soul-sucking. It hurts bad.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

sideways said:


> You're making this WAY harder than it has to be.
> Your husband can't wake up 30 minutes earlier two days a week to be intimate with you?
> He definitely can but if he chooses not to than you have bigger issues than not being intimate with him.





kh4OffRoad said:


> You don’t get it, it seems like a no brainer. He can find 15-30 minutes for his wife if it’s necessary. However he puts that same exact 15-30 minutes into something else. It’s nothing to do with sex. It’s everything to do with intimacy, he will move heaven and earth to make 15-30 minutes for anyone else. His spouse he only doesn’t have that time for. This is the very definition of soul-sucking. It hurts bad.


Some people have their engine running the whole time, others need to rev it a little to get started.

Morning is bad, I would be thinking of either the snooze button or my responsibilities. 15-30 minutes for a quickie? Sure - but again, some of us need the engine revved a little first.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

My wife didn't sleep much last night, so when I got home today from being on the road all week she fell asleep right after we ate. Then I fell asleep, I guess shortly before she woke up. By the time I woke up she was on her way back to sleep for the night. And one of the few things I fear in life is waking my wife up when she's sleeping. So I missed my window and now lay here tormented while she snores quietly next to me.  It happens.

If it happens too often you should definitely say something though. Feelings are feelings, they're not dumb or smart and there's nothing wrong with expressing them. That's real intimacy.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

kh4OffRoad said:


> You don’t get it, it seems like a no brainer. He can find 15-30 minutes for his wife if it’s necessary. However he puts that same exact 15-30 minutes into something else. It’s nothing to do with sex. It’s everything to do with intimacy, he will move heaven and earth to make 15-30 minutes for anyone else. His spouse he only doesn’t have that time for. This is the very definition of soul-sucking. It hurts bad.


She started this thread because of being rejected by her H. That her husband is always too tired. Always working. Spending time in the morning after a good night sleep would mean he's energized. They could spend that time doing whatever she wants and as I said in my last post if he's not willing to do this for her and their relationship they have a bigger issue.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Sounds like the OP's husband is just forgetting how important sex is to the marriage and is thinking working and other aspects are more of a priority. Guys want to be successful and make money and many a difference in the world so sometimes they forget the basics are just as important.

I am guessing there may not be any bigger issues, he just doesn't view sex as important as she does at least right now. My wife is the same way, If I want to have sex, I have to push her and initiate as she will never do so. We could go weeks (and have) without if I don't keep at it. She admittedly has said she doesn't really think about sex until I bring it up.

I wonder if so_sweets hubby is the same way and is more focused on work and his volunteer time as he assumes his wife will always be there and yet is overlooking that SHE should come first over all those other things?!


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Putting some things out there --

My husband and I spend time together. We also cuddle, we kiss, we hold hands. He always opens the car door for me and every other door too. When he makes me breakfast, sometimes he arranges strips of bacon to spell "I love you" with scrambled eggs in the shape of a heart outlined in ketchup.

We’re certainly not newlyweds but a day doesn’t go by where he doesn’t make me feel like his new bride in one way or another. He loves me with passion and he’s the Italian stallion that his background stereotypes him to be, at least the good parts.

My husband is also a man who works very hard in construction work and does a lot of heavy lifting. At the end of a work day, he often has bruises, scratches and sometimes even a bone popped out of place poking through his skin.

Anyone who would like to tell me that my marriage is in trouble because I think he shouldn't wake-up at the ungodly hour of 4 am to have sex with me hasn't worked as physically hard as my husband does. Fact.

My husband hasn’t said no to having sex in the early hours of the morning. I haven’t brought it up and likely won’t, not 4 a.m. sex, anyway. He needs to be fully rested for the hard work day ahead. I do believe I have the right to think advice given to me won’t work for us.

I know my husband needs his sleep and anyone who would like to state that there’s something wrong in our marriage because I’d rather he gets good sleep than be woken-up for sex, well, my apologies to your husband that you would not afford him the same courtesy.

Yes, of course I wanted good advice on how to handle this, and through very good discussion with very helpful people here, I got just that. The problem was brought to light for me: I need to let him know how I honestly feel, how it's made me cry in bed at night. I was also given advice on how to have such a conversation with him. I have also learned that thinking "a man is never too tired for sex" is wrong. And I thank everyone who helped me with all of this. It's truly going to help me and my husband get this problem in the rear-view mirror.

Lastly, there's a reason I've never raised my voice in anger at my husband and nor has he at me in 14 years of marriage. There's a reason my husband will insist on cooking dinner after a hard day's work because he thinks that's what's fair. There’s a reason that I won’t wake him up at 4 a.m. to have sex with me.

That reason is my husband’s pain is my pain and my pain is my husband’s pain. Which is why I'm confident that after our heart-to-heart conversation, the outcome will be a good one.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Thanks for the further insight in your marriage. I for one was never implying that you have a bad marriage or that your marriage is in trouble.

You started this thread because you felt like your husband has been rejecting you so much so that it's made you cry. You were looking for suggestions. 4am or whatever time he normally gets up how big of a deal would it be for him to get up 30 minutes earlier to be with you (and you getting up earlier as well) a couple of times per week which is a viable solution to your problem and why you started this thread.

If (and I say "if") your H wouldn't be willing to do this for you (and your relationship) so that you wouldn't feel rejected than yes this would certainly be a bigger issue than him not making the time for both of you.

If you don't like this option then find another one (or more importantly he needs to find a way and the time to address this) because in your own words you feel rejected by him. You can talk to him all day long. After that's done his actions will dictate if he heard you and how his inaction was making you feel and that he wasn't going to be the one who was rejecting you.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

sideways said:


> Thanks for the further insight in your marriage. I for one was never implying that you have a bad marriage or that your marriage is in trouble.
> 
> You started this thread because you felt like your husband has been rejecting you so much so that it's made you cry. You were looking for suggestions. 4am or whatever time he normally gets up how big of a deal would it be for him to get up 30 minutes earlier to be with you (and you getting up earlier as well) a couple of times per week which is a viable solution to your problem and why you started this thread.
> 
> ...


Hey, thanks for this post. I think you're a nice person and I've enjoyed other posts of yours I've come across. But, I have to respectfully agree to disagree on the subject of my husband waking up to have sex before work.

If you don't mind, I would like to clear up things in regards to this:


sideways said:


> He definitely can but if he chooses not to than you have bigger issues than not being intimate with him.





sideways said:


> Thanks for the further insight in your marriage. I for one was never implying that you have a bad marriage or that your marriage is in trouble.


I guess I took the words "bigger issues" to mean "marriage is in trouble" and "something wrong in our marriage" (what I said in my previous post above). I'm not sure then what "bigger issues" would mean, but I apologize if I misunderstood.

Anyway, no big deal, at least not for me and I hope not for you as well!  Happy Easter!


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

so_sweet said:


> He works seven days a week. He has his regular job and runs his own buisness, both are physically demanding.
> 
> He also does charity work (also physically demanding for the most part).


Does he have to work 7 days a week and spend so much time doing so much without you outside of work, that the time he can share with you is at best minimal?

can you both afford for him to not work as much as he does?

And if you both can afford for him, not to work so much. What is more important to you both, is it money or is it sharing your life together?


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

.


Personal said:


> Does he have to work 7 days a week and spend so much time doing so much without you outside of work, that the time he can share with you is at best minimal?
> 
> can you both afford for him to not work as much as he does?
> 
> And if you both can afford for him, not to work so much. What is more important to you both, is it money or is it sharing your life together?


Well the thing that threw a monkey wrench into everything was:
1.The charity work that he never meant to turn into a regular thing
2. When the business became more demanding of his time

I encouraged him to follow his dream, so running his own business wasn't a decision he made without me.

Our plan was once the business really takes off, he would quit his job. We're not wealthy but we are fine and thankfully we don't struggle. Money doesn't mean that much to us, but, of course he still needs to have a job/income.

Although the business is not quite yet where we'd like to be, it is doing well and I think we may have come up with a good plan.

Oh, also, besides working/charity stuff, he doesn't go anywhere besides the store or something. I encourage him at times to go with work buddies or friends when they're getting together, but he'd rather stay home with me and the kids.

We had a good talk earlier today and I will update as promised in a little while. I have the post sitting unfinished as I had to step away for a bit.

Thank-you so much for trying to help this internet stranger with all of your helpful posts!  I will post that update as soon as I can.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

so_sweet said:


> Thanks for the great advice and video (I will have to watch it tomorrow when I'm not sleepy). I have talked to him but I'm thinking not properly. When I've talked to him about it, it's always been asking him why we're not having sex as regularly as we always have, which he replies that he's been really tired lately, and that ends the conversation. So, I think I need to tell him how it makes me feel as you suggested.
> 
> It's funny, I write for a living, I get paid for putting words together, yet I can't come up with the words for this talk with hubby!
> 
> (And now please no one judge my writing by how I write my posts, I'm much better when writing professionally!  )


How old is he? Has his T levels been checked? If he is over 35 and tire slot...check T level. I had to start taking Y injections at 37. I was Soo tired. Especially in the evenings. Had very little sex drive. There could be the entire playmate calendar in front of me and I would be upset they were in front of TV. Always check the easiest and obvious 1st, T level


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

@so_sweet

Curious btw, what turns him on?
For me, that makes ALL the difference between a LD day (just want cuddles), and a HD day (want to fk their brains out, and again, and again).

For example, one of my triggers would be heels.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> @so_sweet
> 
> Curious btw, what turns him on?
> For me, that makes ALL the difference between a LD day (just want cuddles), and a HD day (want to fk their brains out, and again, and again).
> ...


Heels as well! He really likes the clear heel "stripper" heels in the bedroom, which I do have. Those along with a short plaid skirt outfit (made for the bedroom). To be a little shameless for a moment, if he kisses me for just a moment longer, I know he's getting turned on.

And you know...I just had a lightbulb moment -- Maybe planning sex isn't the way to go right now. Maybe being completely spontaneous is! I'm pretty sure THAT would work! I don't know why that hasn't crossed my mind before this very moment!

If you didn't ask me that question, I don't think this would've ever ocurred to me! Thank-you!

He has taken tomorrow off of work, so might have to test out this theory! You know, in the name of science! Literally laughing out loud right now -- sorry for being soo silly!! Can't stop grinning!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

so_sweet said:


> Heels as well! He really likes the clear heel "stripper" heels in the bedroom, which I do have. Those along with a short plaid skirt outfit (made for the bedroom). To be a little shameless for a moment, if he kisses me for just a moment longer, I know he's getting turned on.
> 
> And you know...I just had a lightbulb moment -- Maybe planning sex isn't the way to go right now. Maybe being completely spontaneous is! I'm pretty sure THAT would work! I don't know why that hasn't crossed my mind before this very moment!
> 
> ...


Ah I see he too has _exquisite_ tastes! 

That's the best way! 
Make it natural too, not too obvious, tease a little and play hard to get.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> Ah I see he too has _exquisite_ tastes!
> 
> That's the best way!
> Make it natural too, not too obvious, tease a little and play hard to get.


You know, it's really good you mentioned that, otherwise I probably would've been obvious about it! I'm a dumbass like that sometimes! LOL!


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## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

so_sweet said:


> .
> 
> Well the thing that threw a monkey wrench into everything was:
> 1.The charity work that he never meant to turn into a regular thing
> ...


I can’t wait to hear the next topic on how you approached such sensitive matters. I’ll also be interested in how you balance your spouses feelings while letting them know your tired of the same old. Intimacy is worth it and you two seem to have a great relationship! You deserve to be able to feel that with the man you love! God speed!!


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

.


kh4OffRoad said:


> I can’t wait to hear the next topic on how you approached such sensitive matters. I’ll also be interested in how you balance your spouses feelings while letting them know your tired of the same old. Intimacy is worth it and you two seem to have a great relationship! You deserve to be able to feel that with the man you love! God speed!!


Hey, thanks so much for saying all of those nice things! You're very kind.  
Also:


kh4OffRoad said:


> If your talk is successful, will you please start a new conversation about: how you approached it and how it got resolved? I need to have this talk soon too.


We had a good talk today and I'll post an update as promised! I'll post the update in this thread though, I don't think I should start a new thread and bore people with my life any more than I probably have already! LOL. Thanks again!


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## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

so_sweet said:


> .
> 
> Hey, thanks so much for saying all of those nice things! You're very kind.
> Also:
> ...


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## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

Thank you for your kind words. I hope I’m not overstepping my boundaries here but I have an opinion on how you should approach your first “new” encounter with him. (Only because I have herd others talking about it) if I were you I would strip down to your everyday underwear, and I would ask him point blank. What do you see? I think there’s something incredible about seeing your wife take all those layers off that she spends so much time on “showing” the world. Too then strip them all away to only see you! He probably doesn’t want to see a model , he probably wants to see the essence of his woman!!!! That’s my 2 cents. Anyway, don’t feel like you have to comment back for this 1


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

To each their own, I never liked it when my partners ran around naked. 

It's comfy sure and nice for cuddles, but for some action put some clothes on and leave something to the imagination - but that's just me. 

Hmmm...


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

.


kh4OffRoad said:


> Thank you for your kind words. I hope I’m not overstepping my boundaries here but I have an opinion on how you should approach your first “new” encounter with him. (Only because I have herd others talking about it) if I were you I would strip down to your everyday underwear, and I would ask him point blank. What do you see? I think there’s something incredible about seeing your wife take all those layers off that she spends so much time on “showing” the world. Too then strip them all away to only see you! He probably doesn’t want to see a model , he probably wants to see the essence of his woman!!!! That’s my 2 cents. Anyway, don’t feel like you have to comment back for this 1


I can see the value in that, especially if it's been a really long time. It's been about two weeks since the last time hubby and I had sex and maybe the point of a beautiful gesture like that would be lost in our specific situation?

Also, my husband knows how much I generally hate wearing underwear and he'd probably ask me what's wrong!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Focus on his turn ons, you know him best.
I generally discourage people asking their partners for sex, for me it's not sexy. Just initiate with their triggers.

Can also try experimenting. If he likes heels/skirts he may likely be a leg-man, if so, at home you can visit him a nice view after a shower with a towel wrapped, or dressed comfy with a long T-shirt and nothing else - I always found that much better than plain underwear - it draws attention to the legs.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> Focus on his turn ons, you know him best.
> I generally discourage people asking their partners for sex, for me it's not sexy. Just initiate with their triggers.
> 
> Can also try experimenting. If he likes heels/skirts he may likely be a leg-man, if so, at home you can visit him a nice view after a shower with a towel wrapped, or dressed comfy with a long T-shirt and nothing else - I always found that much better than plain underwear - it draws attention to the legs.


You sure you don't know my husband?  --he does love my legs! I'd say he's a legs, boobs and butt guy. Oh and a pretty face. I would think all of those are pretty common ones amongst a lot of men.

Editing: Oh, and I think the long t-shirt suggestion would do the trick!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

so_sweet said:


> You sure you don't know my husband?  --he does love my legs! I'd say he's a legs, boobs and butt guy. Oh and a pretty face. I would think all of those are pretty common ones amongst a lot of men.


Sure, but some parts exponentially amplify the sexiness of everything else 



> Editing: Oh, and I think the long t-shirt suggestion would do the trick!


Thought so 

Can also swap your furniture around, get a glass table, mirrors in the bedroom, but one thing at a time! lol


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

so_sweet said:


> And you know...I just had a lightbulb moment -- Maybe planning sex isn't the way to go right now. Maybe being completely spontaneous is! I'm pretty sure THAT would work! I don't know why that hasn't crossed my mind before this very moment!


This! Sometimes we get so familiar with a routine that the power of spontaneity is forgotten. My wife has always been a planner/organizer, but sometimes I "upset" her plans just to change things up. What usually happens is the spontaneous then becomes a new "habit", rinse and repeat.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

so_sweet said:


> I'd say he's a legs, boobs and butt guy. Oh and a pretty face.


Not much left there to like!


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

so_sweet said:


> Hey, thanks for this post. I think you're a nice person and I've enjoyed other posts of yours I've come across. But, I have to respectfully agree to disagree on the subject of my husband waking up to have sex before work.
> 
> If you don't mind, I would like to clear up things in regards to this:
> 
> ...


Listen all I'm saying is you started this thread because you've been upset that your husband has been rejecting you. So all I'm saying to you is if you go to him, tell him how you're feeling, that something has to change, and if he then acknowledges this and says he'll work on it, and then doesn't.....then yes to me you'll have a bigger issue (not just being rejected but you told him how important to you this is and he said he'd do better then just goes back to what he was doing before says he was full of it and that this wasn't that important to him or he'd follow through).

Also being rejected is different then finding the time to be intimate.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

so_sweet said:


> My husband sleeps more than I do and if he woke up at 4-5 am to have sex, he would be tired at work the whole day. Sometimes even after 8 hours of sleep, he says he wishes he could've slept a little more.
> 
> Editing to add: He works on weekends too. He works 7 days a week.


Sounds like Low T. Ya don't sleep restfully. Always felt like you could stay in bed, even after 8 he's.


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## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

so_sweet said:


> .
> 
> I can see the value in that, especially if it's been a really long time. It's been about two weeks since the last time hubby and I had sex and maybe the point of a beautiful gesture like that would be lost in our specific situation?
> 
> Also, my husband knows how much I generally hate wearing underwear and he'd probably ask me what's wrong!


You sound like my wife, commando 90% of the time. All all I will say is that don’t underestimate how powerful seeing you like that is. Especially if you don’t normally wear them it could be an extra sweet treat, if he ask you what is wrong you just say I wanted to turn you on.! Let’s just say I’m praying to see my wife like that soon. Anyway just like Forest Gump once said “That’s all I have to say about that.”!! Thanks for the conversation.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> Sounds like Low T. Ya don't sleep restfully. Always felt like you could stay in bed, even after 8 he's.


"Low T" meaning low testosterone, right? I think he's tired from being overworked because when he has time off work, like when he had a bunch of vacation days at work and he had to take them, he's not felt tired. HOWEVER, it's probably a good idea for him to get checked out at the doctor's, certainly can't see any harm in it, anyway. Thanks for the advice!


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> Not much left there to like!


LOL, true!! I guess he just loves everything about a woman!


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Update for anyone who would like to read the final chapter about this, and it might literally be a chapter! 

It’s funny that when you see things written out that sometimes the message hits home harder than when they’re just thoughts in your head.

When I read one of my previous posts that mentioned how my husband is often bruised and even at times has bones popped out of place after work, it shocked me in a way, it woke me up to the hard work life my husband has been living without complaint. And it kind of broke my heart.

My husband is quitting his regular job and will focus on his business. He is hiring more people as well so he’s not doing as much physically (in a nutshell, the business is general labour work).

It was either working at the regular job or give up the business. The candle can’t burn at both ends any longer. Having his own business is his dream and I will not let that dream fade away.

Although the business is doing well (especially for being somewhat new), it’s of course still a little risky for him to quit his job. 

My husband asked me, “What if the business fails (in the future)?” And I told him that the greatest risk is in not even trying. Nothing great is achieved without risk, right?

Worst case scenario and the business goes downhill? That’s where the back up plan comes in. As I mentioned earlier in the thread, I work as well (from home). After thinking about it and crunching numbers, I think we would be okay without hubby’s income for a little while, but if needed, I could pick up more work while hubby looks for a new job.

The charity work: It wasn't something he set out to do permanently (as explained in OP). The decision was made that it must end. It doesn’t make my husband jump for joy to end it, but he realizes it’s time. My husband has a big heart. If you were his friend and needed money, and even if he was down to his last $20, he would give it to you if you needed it. I won the good human lottery with my husband, but I think God may have owed me a favour after a previous horribly violent, abusive marriage.

As for the rejection thing, perhaps it was more of a “finding time to be intimate” thing? (@sideways thank-you for pointing this out)

Well, please notice that the previous sentence is written in past tense! Hubby took the day off today and I’m not one to kiss and tell, so let’s just say we're both walking around with a little extra spring in our step today! Woohoo! With all the change mentioned above, I believe today was the beginning of everything in Mr & Mrs so_sweet’s love life being good again.

Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you! I’m the type to give thought to all advice given to me even if it’s something I might not agree with and every single post in this thread brought something to the table for me. Props, much love, fist bumps, high fives—everything good—to everyone!


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Let me say I think it's awesome that you are supporting him in his dream and not just with words but action. He's very blessed to have you in his life.

Glad you were able to make time to be intimate as well. The two of you will be fine and you'll figure it all out together.

I'm really happy for both of you!


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

sideways said:


> Let me say I think it's awesome that you are supporting him in his dream and not just with words but action. He's very blessed to have you in his life.
> 
> Glad you were able to make time to be intimate as well. The two of you will be fine and you'll figure it all out together.
> 
> I'm really happy for both of you!


Thank-you so much! That's really kind of you to say. Defninitely put a smile on my face.


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## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

so_sweet said:


> Update for anyone who would like to read the final chapter about this, and it might literally be a chapter!
> 
> It’s funny that when you see things written out that sometimes the message hits home harder than when they’re just thoughts in your head.
> 
> ...


Awesome! Talk about ironing out a better work life balance? Wow! Some one is really swinging for the fences!! So glad to hear all of this. I feel like you will be giving more advice on here then receiving it really soon. Congratulations and thanks for the conversation.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

.


kh4OffRoad said:


> Awesome! Talk about ironing out a better work life balance? Wow! Some one is really swinging for the fences!! So glad to hear all of this. I feel like you will be giving more advice on here then receiving it really soon. Congratulations and thanks for the conversation.


Thanks so much!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

so_sweet said:


> It's been two weeks since my husband and I have had sex. We usually have sex at least three times a week.
> 
> ......He works seven days a week. He has his regular job and runs his own buisness, both are physically demanding.
> 
> ...





so_sweet said:


> Update for anyone who would like to read the final chapter about this, and it might literally be a chapter!
> 
> .....When I read one of my previous posts that mentioned how my husband is often bruised and even at times has bones popped out of place after work, it shocked me in a way, i*t woke me up to the hard work life my husband has been living without complaint.* And it kind of broke my heart.
> 
> ...


Congratulations. May I suggest you keep this thread bookmarked and go back to it every now and then when you are challenged.

I totally agree with your original post. In order to feel sexually bonded (closeness) I really do need to have sex with my wife at least twice a week. Rejection was something that really hurt me. What I ended up doing was explaining to my wife how to reject sex at a moment without making me feel sexually rejected. I suggest you do something similar. For me if she rejects sex wtih me, I have asked her to tell me that this is not a good time for her, but that she expects me to go to sleep, take a nap during the day, or go to bed tonight extra early as she has plans for my body either in the morning, tomorrow night, or the following morning. That way I feel sexually desired, just not right now.

As someone who owned a small regional business with multiple offices, I would like to offer you some advice. I never worked longer hours nor worked for a harder boss when I worked for myself. When you own a business, you often feel a special relationship with your customers and will work all night or extremely long hours to make sure they are satisfied. Similarly, when you know that your employees and their families are counting on a paycheck from you, you will also push yourself and worry to make sure you don't let them down.

My advice for you is to schedule 2 date nights a week with your H. find out from his perspective whether they should both be or one should be in the morning as men have a higher pain threshold in the morning and greater testosterone levels when the first wake up. When I do heavy exercise, I like a really hot shower in the morning to loosen up my muscles. Figure out what is best "for his body." Schedule sex on morning a week after he showers to get nice and clean and shaved for you could add a little extra "spice" to things. Even if you have a date night that involves a dinner date, you kiss, snuggle and tell him that he needs to get his rest, because you want nothing less than his fully recovered body for what you plan for him in the morning. And quickies are always an option.

Seriously, scheduling sex for people with busy schedules really helps to make sure the two of you have some together time.

Good luck.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

@so_sweet This is a wonderful update! But no surprise to me. I am betting the business succeeds beyond his and your wildest dreams.

Communication is the key in a relationship.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> Congratulations. May I suggest you keep this thread bookmarked and go back to it every now and then when you are challenged.
> 
> I totally agree with your original post. In order to feel sexually bonded (closeness) I really do need to have sex with my wife at least twice a week. Rejection was something that really hurt me. What I ended up doing was explaining to my wife how to reject sex at a moment without making me feel sexually rejected. I suggest you do something similar. For me if she rejects sex wtih me, I have asked her to tell me that this is not a good time for her, but that she expects me to go to sleep, take a nap during the day, or go to bed tonight extra early as she has plans for my body either in the morning, tomorrow night, or the following morning. That way I feel sexually desired, just not right now.
> 
> ...


Thanks for such an amazing and helpful post! Everything you said makes so much sense. I really like how you and your wife deal with not feeling rejected. Thanks as well for the words of wisdom about owning your own business, it's helpful to know what you went through. I also like the idea of having two dates a week and I think that would work for us!

I truly appreciate you taking the time to give me such helpful advice and thanks again.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ewww, scheduling sex sucks. Scheduling date nights though - that's different


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

It sounds like you shared a good discussion and worked out plans about priorities surrounding his time and work commitments which is great and you demonstrated your support in his decisions.

In addition to that, how did you both share where you’re at with needs for sexual intimacy?


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## prairieguy1972 (9 mo ago)

In my next life, I plan to communicate, upfront, about all aspects of intimacy with my partner(s).


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

prairieguy1972 said:


> In my next life, I plan to communicate, upfront, about all aspects of intimacy with my partner(s).


Why not start now?


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

heartsbeating said:


> It sounds like you shared a good discussion and worked out plans about priorities surrounding his time and work commitments which is great and you demonstrated your support in his decisions.
> 
> In addition to that, how did you both share where you’re at with needs for sexual intimacy?


After figuring out all of the job/business/charity stuff, we came to the conclusion that things (meaning sex) will go back to normal, now that he won't be so tired and normal for us is understood as a few times a week.

I did tell him that I felt rejected and it hurt my feelings a lot, that it made me cry and that it made me feel like I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't attractive enough. He was surprised, apologized that he made me feel that way, and said that I should've told him and assured me that I was more than good enough.

He also laughed in this endearing way that he sometimes laughs, said "come here", hugged me and gave me a huge kiss on the cheek and told me to not think like that again, and if I do, I should tell him. It was a really nice moment.

Just even my hubby having the day off and being relaxed yesterday, I noticed a positive difference in him, like how he was making flirtatious comments, which is something he has always done (and I've always liked), but he wasn't doing it as much previously because he was so tired and overworked.

I'm really happy. We both are.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Sounds positive 😊


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Have your husband do some core strengthening exercises. I think you mentioned that he was down in his back at one point. I have had lower back pain off and on after I got out of the Marine Corps. I am now 52 and had to have surgery this year because it finally gave way. I now have new hardware in my lower back.

Make sure your husband takes care of his back.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

ABHale said:


> Have your husband do some core strengthening exercises. I think you mentioned that he was down in his back at one point. I have had lower back pain off and on after I got out of the Marine Corps. I am now 52 and had to have surgery this year because it finally gave way. I now have new hardware in my lower back.
> 
> Make sure your husband takes care of his back.


My husband doesn't have back pain but thank-you for the advice.  I hope you are doing well after the surgery.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

so_sweet said:


> My husband doesn't have back pain but thank-you for the advice.  I hope you are doing well after the surgery.


Yes on caring for the back. Once problems develop there it can be a lot of pain for a lifetime.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Yes on caring for the back. Once problems develop there it can be a lot of pain for a lifetime.


Encourage him to buy and wear an industrial back brace when he is working. When I was working these were part of required PPE for all manual labor.


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