# Can my life begin again at 40?



## SAnnP (Dec 14, 2010)

Hi everyone

I am currently in my second marriage. My first marriage failed when we married too young. I hated getting divorced I always felt marriage was for life

When I married for the second time I knew this was it, if this didn't work I'd never do it again

We both had children from out first marriages that lived with us, and we had and coped with the usual problems of putting two families together.

We were very happy at first, he made an effort to help me and had pride in himself. he never really made an effort with my children though. He has never been nasty to them, he has just never really bothered. His children have always made it clear that they will tolerate me and are never rude to me, but we've never been really close, despite my best efforts. 

Over the last 3 years though we have had problems. 

I feel we have already become stagnant. I now do everything, cooking, cleaning, washing etc.....We both work full-time.

I have brought this up a few times that I feel I need more support. He always apologises and says he'll do more but a few weeks later it just slips back. 

We have nearly split twice in the last couple of years but have battled on.

He has no motivation, inclination or aspirations and I'm beginning to feel like a drowning woman.

I still love him but do not want to live like this for the rest of my life.....


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

My personal opinion:

You will always be better served by trying to remedy the relationship you have rather than simply believing that a better one is out there waiting for you, should you make the decision to leave.

It just doesn't work that way - as you have discovered. Those drowning feelings you are having? They can be dangerous. I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.

So, how do you each contribute to the issues you're facing?

Can life begin again at 40? Sure it can, but it's definitely a pain in the a$$, make no mistake.


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## SAnnP (Dec 14, 2010)

I am under no illusions that there is a better relationship out there for me, that is truly the last thing on my mind.

When we have reached one of our low points we can discuss things, we never shout and argue much. 
He will always say to me, tell me what you want doing and I'll do it, but then I feel I'm nagging as I would even need to ask him to put out the rubbish.....
He always says he is happy with me and that he has no issues with me :/

I feel we are people heading in different directions, I am a doer who likes to get on with things. He likes things to chug along nicely without change.....


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

It is unclear what, exactly, you want from him. You do all the household work. That must be frustrating. Stop. Sit him down and tell him, I am not the maid. I am going to do the housework as *I* see fit. I am not going to be a jerk about it. If I am making dinner, I am not going to exclude you. But I am not picking up after you. 

Get a big basket to toss his junk into when he leaves it around. Put a big laundry basket in the wash room for his unwashed laundry. (Same for the kids btw if they aren't already doing their share.)

If he leaves his glass on the living room table, leave it. 

The hope is that he will be motivated by this new approach to understand that you *mean it*. You aren't the maid, and it is not your responsibility to do it all. If he complains, suggest that you would be fine with being a housewife if he wants you to quit your job for that purpose. (Assuming you would be ok with that as well.)

You are setting boundaries for yourself and what you are willing to do, but you do need to be open minded about any other possible solutions that might come up.

I would suspect that other issues have arisen, but you don't mention them so I can't opine.

Good luck.

S


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## SAnnP (Dec 14, 2010)

I just want to feel loved and valued. I don't and haven't done for a while. I've done the 'sit down and tell him' thing.

There are no other major issues, he likes a drink but is never aggressive or nasty through it, he just drinks at home too much.

The romance is gone, the spark is gone and maybe I'm nitpicking pointing out what he doesn't do for me.

As I'm sure you've noticed I'm very confused!!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

SAnnP,

I understand what you are saying when he says 'Just tell me what to do and I'll do it'...Maybe a different approach would help. Tell him you feel as if you are drowning, and that you don't feel emotionally connected to him (if that is what you mean by feeling unloved)...But give him a way to plug in that won't make you feel like you are nagging...such as:

I would like to start a date night, once a week on xxx day so that we can have some fun and reconnect

I would like you to completely take over xyz where that could be vehicle maintenance, cooking on the weekends, laundry, bills...whatever you think would be a better split of the house chores. And let him know that you do not want to tell him each time it needs to be done, that whatever each of you is responsible for, you just do on your own.

Depending on the ages of your kids, you could also work together on a plan to get them to help out...but you will both need to do this together and agree that it is fair...which could include allowance for doing chores...or what is appropriate based on their ages, etc. This will not only help you, but it is also important that the kids see you are on the same team as parents and heads of the household.

Also, I would recommend reading 'The 5 Love Languages' by Chapman...it might help you both to read it together to understand the spark being gone & how to keep each other feeling loved.

Please don't give up yet...your life can begin again at 40 with your husband


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

SAnnP said:


> I just want to feel loved and valued. I don't and haven't done for a while. I've done the 'sit down and tell him' thing.


The sit down and tell him thing seems like it ought to work, but it rarely does.
[/quote]

There are no other major issues, he likes a drink but is never aggressive or nasty through it, he just drinks at home too much.

The romance is gone, the spark is gone and maybe I'm nitpicking pointing out what he doesn't do for me.

As I'm sure you've noticed I'm very confused!![/QUOTE]

I do know where you are coming from. I have been married for about 16 1/2 years. In the early years, I was in your exact position. I went to a usenet group similar to this one. The advice was not what I expected.

Limit setting to get the practical / help respect that an equal partner gives. Or at least get rid of the feeling you are doing everything for everyone. My previous post was about that.

The next part is TOTALLY non-intuitive. You don't feel loved, valued, romantic/romanced. I would bet you my last dollar that he doesn't either. 

He keeps hearing you talk about all the things you want him to do. You know what I will bet he hears? She doesn't love me. I am not good enough for her, she always wants something more/different. 

Someone has to turn this cycle around. Might as well be you. Start focusing your attention on meeting HIS needs. (The drinking too much may be a bigger issue than you think if it is steeling his will to do anything. But since you say it isn't, I will take you at your word.) What things do you need to do to meet HIS needs? Does he want more time time playing? Find out what the things are that he needs to feel loved, and start making massive deposits in the love bank. Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice if you haven't already been there.

You try to 1. set limits on your boundary issues while 2. trying really hard to meet HIS needs. The GOAL is to engender reciprocity of effort from him as he begins to feel loved and values, his desire to show you the same may increase. (It also softens the blow of your new boundary setting behavior that often feels like being treated like a child.)

If the reciprocity is not achieved, then perhaps he is a lazy slob and it is time to kick him to the curb. (Exaggeration for the sake of effect!)

Best of luck to you!


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