# STBXH calls me his friend?



## baseballmom (May 1, 2011)

So my stbhx keeps calling me his friend or says that we will always be best friends! I don't know how to deal with this.. How can I go from being his wife/lover to his friend?? I don't understand that?!? And when he said that we would always be best friends that blew my mind!! He has never said that in the whole 8.5 years that we have been married!!! 

Why do you think he says things like this??:scratchhead:


----------



## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

He is doing it to assuage his guilt. My wife does the same thing and my therapist says that it is a coping mechanism. Trying to make themselves feel better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## baseballmom (May 1, 2011)

That makes sense.. Just hard to hear him say stuff like that specially when our divorce isn't even final yet...


----------



## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

I know how u feel. Rips my guts out everytime she pulls that crap on me. Im not even sure she knows she's doing it. Divorce turns people into sadists without them even knowing itost of the time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Yes , I agree it is to ease the guilt. But my husband also said that he was going to move close to us and still meet once a week to help the transition for both of us.

So do you think that by cutting off all contact after exposing his affair, he is now feeling guilty. Not heard a thing from him for 11 days now. i think maybe I have just made it easier for him actually, he no longer has to go through this false pretence thing.


----------



## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

My H keeps saying that very thing, always be his best friend after all who knows him better than me?! Obviously I didn't know him "better" than anyone else because I never thought he would be capable of abandoning me and leaving me high and dry in every sense of the word. How can you continue a friendship when the "best friend" has betrayed and hurt you so badly?


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It will make it easier to find a new woman if he can say he is great friends with his ex-wife.


----------



## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> It will make it easier to find a new woman if he can say he is great friends with his ex-wife.


Then it should make it easier for me to find a new man if I can say I'm great friends with my ex-husband, right?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why does he say it?

Because he's a WAYWARD. They all say the same BS! 

They tend to think divorce will go according exactly to their plan, you won't feel hurt since they aren't, and you can both walk away from eachother and stay friends with no hurt feelings. They feel MASSIVELY entitled. 

Tell him you are NOT interested in being his friend now.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh and hell yes it has everything to do w/ them assuaging their guilt. See, the wayward thinks if they can convince you that you're friends and you aren't hurt (when you let them suffer ZERO consequence for their actions/behavior) then what they are doing "isn't really that bad."

Get it?


----------



## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Why does he say it?
> 
> Because he's a WAYWARD. They all say the same BS!
> 
> ...



I have considered being "friendly" only for the kids' sake. By friendly I mean when in situations that we may both be in attendance, like son's wedding. I try my best not to say hateful, disparaging things about H to the kids or his family. But occasionally they do slip out. I'm usually not one to let a good opening go to waste. Although it has been commented by a few people that they miss my sense of humor, one liners, jokes and quips. Hard to be funny when you are hurting so badly.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

My WW uses the exact same line: "we have a great relationship just there is no spark left, we'll probably come out of this better friends then ever". What is weird is that I'm quickly finding I'm way better off without her anyway, and I said so the other day when she called to express her anger for me telling my side to my BIL, her reply "I knew you would, we both are". haha yeah right, think I like having my guts ripped out, my family which is the most important thing in my life torn apart, my dignity and manhood reduced to shreds?

No, when I say I'm better off not married to you its not because now we can be best friends, its because I'm finally rid of your selfish ways and domineering.


----------



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Lon said:


> My WW uses the exact same line: "we have a great relationship just there is no spark left, we'll probably come out of this better friends then ever". What is weird is that I'm quickly finding I'm way better off without her anyway, and I said so the other day when she called to express her anger for me telling my side to my BIL, her reply "I knew you would, we both are". haha yeah right, think I like having my guts ripped out, my family which is the most important thing in my life torn apart, my dignity and manhood reduced to shreds?
> 
> No, when I say I'm better off not married to you its not because now we can be best friends, its because I'm finally rid of your selfish ways and domineering.


----LOVE THIS.
I hear the same thing now. Her "Feelings" have simply changed. 
OH, is that right? Nothing about your AFFAIR had anything to do with it..hmmmmm????
Not that I expect my stbxw to sit around moping or flogging herself incessantly, but It appears that "I" am the only one having any "discomfort" about the ordeal. 
I guess I can chalk that up to the reality of what I perceived her to be versus what she really is.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

cherokee96red said:


> I have considered being "friendly" only for the kids' sake.


Being good co-parents through a divorce and thereafter is one thing.

Letting someone use you as an emotional crutch as they leave you to assuage their guilt is quite another. It's sick.


----------



## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

I really don't understand why our significant others want to be friends. Why would they think we want to be friends? Would any of us remain friends with someone we weren't married to if they treated us the way our SO has been. It really is a twisted way look at things. I understand being friendly if you have kids, but friends? What a load!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

cherokee96red said:


> Then it should make it easier for me to find a new man if I can say I'm great friends with my ex-husband, right?


No, it doesn't work that way.
Men who manipulate their new women use their ex's as a gold standard when it suits them.


----------



## waitwhat (Jun 12, 2011)

Yeah, he's probably just trying to assuage his guilt. But while the subject is up, I want to say that it is possible to be friends with an ex.
I'm not GREAT friends with my ex, but we are friends. We went together to the photographers to buy our son's graduation pics. We all sat together for the graduation. He and his mom came to our house for the graduation party. He came and sat with us in the hospital while we were waiting for my grandmother to pass. 
It took two years of consistent showing my intention of wanting to be friends, not enemies for us to begin to co-parent, but it did happen. In addition to the other things listed above, my husband and I went to my ex's house and sat with him and his wife to discuss parenting stuff. We were all at my son's baptism. I always had him come into the house and sit and wait for our son when he came to pick him up. We all went to the games, concerts, etc. One thing we did NOT do together was birthdays and holidays.
If you have kids together, it really is best if you can find a way to at least be civil to one another.


----------



## baseballmom (May 1, 2011)

My stbxh and I went to the required "children in the middle" class last night and even the instructor brought up the fact that if you were best friends you wouldn't be getting a divorce because best friends don't divorce!! And of course on break when I mentioned that comment to him he just got upset alittle bit and walked away!! 

And I fully agree on how can you go from being lover's to just friends?? Specially when you are still going through a divorce it is like putting salt on a wound right now... Really hurts!!


----------



## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

I understand the friend thing too, before I moved my stbx said he would still want to see me when he comes home on Christmas, he would still like to hang out with me because we like all of the same stuff get along great and have a lot of fun together. I quote "i think of you as a best friend just like (insert friend name here) or like one of my sisters" what the heck - would you sleep with one of your sisters???????!!!!! come on REALLY. Being compared to a sister CRUSHED me. 
Then he basically kicked me out I had to move 5000 miles away back home while he left me with nothing. And he had the nerve to call me his friend. 

The worst part is I would do anything to be able to hang out with him or see him again. I know I shouldn't want to because he is a total son of a b***h but I'm still in love with him. Its painstakingly awful.


----------



## skmix (Jun 13, 2011)

My husband and I are separated and he's pulling the same bs. "your my best friend and you have been for so long, no one can replace you" WTF. He too also wants to "hang out" because we get a long so well and have the same interests. I don't get it at all, I have no intesterst in being friends with him. I want to be together not be friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## baseballmom (May 1, 2011)

It's like if we get along so well then why the hell are we getting divorced!!! And when the instructor in the children in the middle class pointed that out I just looked at my stbx and he couldn't even look me in the eye!! You don't divorce your best friend!! Enough said so stop calling me that!! Geez.. sorry had to get that out. And it's just so funny to me because he never once called me his friend during our marriage so it's weird to here him say it now that we are getting divorced why do it now??


----------



## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

baseballmom said:


> It's like if we get along so well then why the hell are we getting divorced!!!


Amen, and if we like all the same things, have the same interests, laugh at each others jokes, and are attracted to each other,why are we getting a divorce!!!! Ive even heard "I'm never going to find someone that could even compare to you" 

I do not understand these people!!!


----------



## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

caughtdreaming said:


> Amen, and if we like all the same things, have the same interests, laugh at each others jokes, and are attracted to each other,why are we getting a divorce!!!! Ive even heard "I'm never going to find someone that could even compare to you"
> 
> I do not understand these people!!!


Thank you!!! That's exactly what I'm saying! I wouldn't treat MY best friend this way, why is he? Now I've given myself a headache trying to understand that logic. Ugh!


----------



## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Yeah the friend thing.he cheated ,destroyed me and back-stabbed me for moths and now we are getting a divorce and he wants to stay friends. I said "I will never be your friend again,i only want to be OK with you so we are civil when we see each other at kids events" His jaw dropped slightly.
Hi did consider me a friend throughout the 10 years of marriage and I am good a certain things and he likes that and he realizes he's going to lose that ...sorry buddy.

But i do think they say this so they can feel less guilty,I think if it's up to them they better not see us but they need some sort of validation that they didn't screw up that bad.


----------



## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

I told mine, "Being best friends is not possible. That would be like my dog dying and my mom telling me I could keep it. No thanks." But it is funny how concerned he is with us being friendly. I want to be cordial for the kids' sake and be able to be in the same room at functions. But we aren't going to call each other up and chat every night. Not happening. He also started just coming inside when he picked up or dropped the kids off, he'd sit down and chat. Uh, GTFO!


----------



## Wannamakeitbetter (Jun 27, 2011)

My wife has been doing the same things and I've been going along with it because in my mind it's better to have something then nothing. Today I am stopping all of that. No more "I love you's", no more we can be best friends no more settling.


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Well, I am going to be a little different. We are staying friends, but not "best friends." We even spoke about the possiblity of going out on a date a while down the road just to see how each others lives are going. Is that weird? I mean, we have kids, will soon have grandkids. We have been with each other 36 years - how do you just dislike someone after you have given your whole life to them. Yes, I was devastated when she dropped the D word on me. And yes, it is possible that once we are on our own, we may not contact each other that often but for the sake of our families, we will remain friends. You can't just divorce a family (in-laws) that you have know your entire life. I have also been reading the divorce book by Michael Eads, I don't know how many of you have read it but he hits on some very interesting points about learning how to open your heart up to love again. In the book he talks about the 4 emotions of divorce/losing a loved one to death, sadness, anger, fear, sorrow. It suggests that the only way to completely heal your heart is to go through all those stages and address them one at a time. I feel like I am really getting better; I still have my moments of sorrow but I am much better than I was 3 weeks ago. I am really trying to open up and be grateful for the good and memorable times my stbxw and I gave each other over that many years.

I know that everyone here is at different stages and times since D day, or as Eads calls the real day - the DOS, Date Of Seperation - this is the day your marriage really ended, not on the day the papers are signed.

So I can understand why you wouldn't want to be anywhere near your SO, because it is just a catalyst for resentment to build up. I know because I was there and my stbxw was mostly there a while back. I am not giving her the green light in that everything she did was right but I am allowing us to communicate with each other. I want her to know down the road that she really had a great person in me. I really do wish her the best and happiest she can be, after all, she is the mother of my kids. And I will also move on with the ability now to pursue some dreams I had, some of my bucket list so to speak, that I could not do with the responsibility of marriage.

Yes, every now and then, I will feel that small empty space in my heart but for the most part, I am looking forward to what lies ahead for me with arms wide open.


----------



## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Wannamakeitbetter said:


> My wife has been doing the same things and I've been going along with it because in my mind it's better to have something then nothing. Today I am stopping all of that. No more "I love you's", no more we can be best friends no more settling.


I have to admit I was doing the exact same thing, truth is I did not/do not want the D. I pretty much was all gun-ho when he mentioned the possibility of hanging out together in the future, in my mind it was better then having nothing too. I now know that I may be setting myself up mentally for a huge fall. So I can't think that way anymore - I now have to live as if I'm never going to see this person ever again. Which hurts. A LOT. 
I don't think being friends with him would be best for me, since my feelings haven't changed for him.


----------



## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> Yes, every now and then, I will feel that small empty space in my heart but for the most part, I am looking forward to what lies ahead for me with arms wide open.


brighterlight, your awesome. I wish I could be more like you, Im going to check that book out. thx


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

BL, words of wisdom. I too hope that I can someday get to the point where I welcome my ex, and mother of my child, into my life as a friend. But it will take a lot of time for the damage she has done to heal and I know that right now what I need from her is distance - and she needs to grow up. If she had said to me, before deciding to become an adultress, that she truly can't bring herself to be happy as my wife and that she wants out of the marriage, I'd probably have a different view... in fact that's how this all presented itself to me, we were both doing the same thing day in day out and she dropped the bomb... It was hard, and I felt like she wasn't really giving it a chance then I realized the only thing that made sense is she'd found someone else she was more interested in pursuing. Didn't take too long to discover that's what it was and made me realize she is acting like a drug addict, and now she has her freedom has been dating and screwing like crazy, she's already been with twice as many lovers as I've had my whole life and its only been a few weeks she's been "free". I'm really not too sure what to think of that, true we both understand that there will be no reconciliation so she is free to do what she chooses...now - but this all seems to me like an extension of the actual PA she started while we were supposed to bo married.

I certainly don't want friends like that in my life, I have no respect for her decisions, I am grateful to her for bearing my child and being there for him but I have no idea what else being her friend would bring to my life, we are amicable where it concerns our child and having a friendly relationship would probably just confuse him more at this point.


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

caughtdreaming said:


> brighterlight, your awesome. I wish I could be more like you, Im going to check that book out. thx


caught, I'm sorry I wrote down the wrong author. This is the book, it is really helping me to move on:

Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, Or the Loss of a Loved One by John Gray, Ph.D

I think it offers great insight into what you need to work through to move on and be happy. Finding love again seems impossible now but your heart will eventually heal. This books just helps on what to look for inside yourself to be able to get there.


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Lon said:


> BL, words of wisdom. I too hope that I can someday get to the point where I welcome my ex, and mother of my child, into my life as a friend. But it will take a lot of time for the damage she has done to heal and I know that right now what I need from her is distance - and she needs to grow up. If she had said to me, before deciding to become an adultress, that she truly can't bring herself to be happy as my wife and that she wants out of the marriage, I'd probably have a different view... in fact that's how this all presented itself to me, we were both doing the same thing day in day out and she dropped the bomb... It was hard, and I felt like she wasn't really giving it a chance then I realized the only thing that made sense is she'd found someone else she was more interested in pursuing. Didn't take too long to discover that's what it was and made me realize she is acting like a drug addict, and now she has her freedom has been dating and screwing like crazy, she's already been with twice as many lovers as I've had my whole life and its only been a few weeks she's been "free". I'm really not too sure what to think of that, true we both understand that there will be no reconciliation so she is free to do what she chooses...now - but this all seems to me like an extension of the actual PA she started while we were supposed to bo married.
> 
> I certainly don't want friends like that in my life, I have no respect for her decisions, I am grateful to her for bearing my child and being there for him but I have no idea what else being her friend would bring to my life, we are amicable where it concerns our child and having a friendly relationship would probably just confuse him more at this point.


Lon, adultry is in a league of it's own. There is no way I would be where I am now if it was adultry. It would take me a lot LOT longer then 2 1/2 months. Either way, the John Gray book does have a point - as long as you carry anger, fear, sadness, or sorrow with you, you can not truly open your heart up to another. I am in no way saying, oh look you have to do this now. On the contrary, you are exactly where you need to be. The books says that you have to deal with each of the 4 emotions to get over the hump however long it takes, but each one must be faced and dealt with. I myself am still working through the sorrow part. I sometimes worry that I really never experienced much anger but maybe it's because I am somewhat passive/aggressive and maybe I started being angry a while ago and never took it for what it was. I had to put a hold on that when she got sick but I really think I had the anger for a very long time.

I am at the point now to where she is just a friend and we are always going to have that place where we remember all the good memories we made but it'll be tucked away somewhere behind my future priorities. I am thankful for my kids, I will never ever regret them. And to say to my stbxw that it was all a lie and not real, to me, would be the same as thinking the kids weren't real. If you get what I am saying, I am really starting to be happy and see what oppertunities I have now. No, I am no where near ready for a committed long term relationship, but dating, h**ll yeah. I am ready for that. I think I mentioned this to you in another post.

In short, I am really starting to feel grateful for the many good memories me and stbxw shared. I am resolved to know that if/when she finds someone else, I am OK with that and would wish her all the happiness in the world. I would be there to help her if she needs help but I won't be extending any offers; that would be intruding in her personal life. I know this all sounds bunk but I am really really starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Still have a ways to go and those little sad feelings still come and go but they are getting longer and longer in time.

BTW, the paragraph above would be different if she had been an adultress. I would still be trying to figure out how to get her out into the area of the great barrier reef where it has just been chummed for Great Whites and throw her overboard with two bleeding tunas strapped to her waist. Was that too harsh - Oops! Anyway, hang in there man, it will get better once you get over her - and I don't say that lightly.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Thanks BL I agree exactly with what you are saying, I think that's part of what is making me so angry - that if she had ended it courageously instead of destructively I'd be able to heal so much faster and we both could have moved on graciously with our lives. But because of what she did I feel so broken and used up, and I'm resentful I gave her that power over me to abuse.

Anyways, I'm going to look up the book and give it a read, it will take time to open my heart again but that doesn't mean I still can't be out there and meet new people and try to have fun, as long as I'm honest and not putting myself where I don't need to be. I'm pretty much over the worst of the fear and sorrow I think, sorrow was intense but I'm sure I got it behind me, as to fear it either isn't that strong with me or else I have yet to experience it in a more intense way. Now anger, that is still welling up, and the sadness will eventually go away just need more time.


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Lon said:


> Thanks BL I agree exactly with what you are saying, I think that's part of what is making me so angry - that if she had ended it courageously instead of destructively I'd be able to heal so much faster and we both could have moved on graciously with our lives. But because of what she did I feel so broken and used up, and I'm resentful I gave her that power over me to abuse.
> 
> Anyways, I'm going to look up the book and give it a read, it will take time to open my heart again but that doesn't mean I still can't be out there and meet new people and try to have fun, as long as I'm honest and not putting myself where I don't need to be. I'm pretty much over the worst of the fear and sorrow I think, sorrow was intense but I'm sure I got it behind me, as to fear it either isn't that strong with me or else I have yet to experience it in a more intense way. Now anger, that is still welling up, and the sadness will eventually go away just need more time.


Yes, ending it courageously is what mine did. Although I resented her for what she did to our family, I did have the cojones to go back to her later and I actually told her that I realise how much courage it took to do what she did; I had to give her that. And you are right, it isn't the same as if she would have destroyed me by commiting adultry. Believe me I still remember 11 years how she made be feel broken and ashamed when she had her EA and physical affair with the OM. I never thought I would recover from it and it took me over 2 years to completely heal and forgfive her; I was so angry that all I wanted was revenge in the form of finding several women to sleep with! How sad was that! Thank God I came to my senses to try to save our marriage. So man, I know how you are feeling and I am sorry.


----------



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

I had the same thing, "I like the roommate situation" and I just want to be friends with you. Uh huh, right after you abandoned me for weeks at a time with 0 money, not telling me if you were okay. Tore my heart out and ate it , I am really going to be friends with your untrustworthy donkey butt. After all I learnt about you in these 4 months? You cannot even make a commitment, too scared.

Enemies do this NOT friends ding dong.

No it's over, we are NOT friends and I won't want to see you again after the divorce and when the house sells.

OVER!


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

sadand said:


> We both love our kids and want the best for them, so we will be polite. That is very different from being friends. This new man who used to be my H is a stranger and cannot possibly be my friend.


Replace W with H and hit the agree button. I am pretty angry that she could even suggest it. I have organised a "meeting" in a public place to discuss some financial stuff. I am writing an agenda.
Business only.


----------



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I dont think I really was friends with my stbxw. Sad realization here, but after the first year or so, and the "Love Glaze" removed itself from my eyes, reality set in. Somehow we made it 16 years together, but there were times we seperated in there at points.
What I attributed to a "strong will" of which I was attracted to was simply a lack of respect for anyone else. What I attributed to strength and a large personality was defensiveness and deep seated resentment at issues long past. The history she and I shared did have its good times, but to somehow set aside the way with which she conducted herself in relation to what we had, by means of an affair, will be forever burned into my memory, and is very "outshining" among the white picket fence dreams we had.


----------



## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

My H was my best friend and it was hard to let go of that. A year ago we were going to clubs and seeing concerts together, kayaking, biking and having wild sex together and then the drinking started and he took a wrecking ball to me and my kids lives, our family business and walked out on us and left me to pick up the pieces. Now he wants to be "just friends." No affection, no sex, no commitment or plans and no working towards a better relationship or marriage...that's what he wants. 

I tried, I really did. I figured I could do it and maybe once the dust settled and we rekindled the good feelings we once had and shared some good times together it might turn things around. I was hoping our separation would bring us closer and for a short time it did..until he decided that even that was too much effort. 

But I can't do it anymore. I want a marriage and a shared life together and to at least be making progress towards it and all I hear is "Can't we just be buddies?" Finally I came to the conclusion that NO, we can't be "just buddies" as long as I love him. 

So I am convinced that until you fall OUT of love you can't be "just friends". You can have a marriage where you are are lovers and friends..IMO that's the best kind of marriage! But to JUST be friends? Then what's the point of being married? :scratchhead:


----------

