# Desperately need help with Mother-in-law situation



## snowmyst (Feb 29, 2016)

Hello everyone,

I am new to this forum and really trying to find the right place to ask some advice about my mother in law situation. I tried to keep this short as possible but some detail can't be skipped, so please bare with me.
So, it has been a month now since the incident. This incident involved my husband, and his two sisters (Jane and Dana). 
The incident started a month ago when my MIL found a porn DVD that her husband (FIL) accidentally left in their DVD player. At first, my FIL didn't say what that DVD was but my MIL found out when she digging through the garbage pail and finally found the porn DVD that my FIL tried to get rid of but unfortunately, she managed to find it.
At that moment, she was screaming at him saying that he committed adultery and she wanted a divorce. So, she called her daughter Jane crying and saying that she will be there shortly to talk about what happened. 
So, MIL went to Jane house and said that my FIL committed adultery by watching porn DVD. She then asked Jane if this is considered adultery, so Jane responded with no hesitation that, this is NOT considered adultery unless her dad is having an affair which he didn't. My MIL didn't like Jane answer so she got more upset at Jane, so Jane called her older sister (Dana) and shortly after they hungup, Dana arrived at Jane house found her mother crying and upsetting so she asked what's wrong and immediately, my MIL asked Dana the same question if my FIL committed adultery by watching the porn DVD. ONce again, my MIL received the same answer that it's NOT an adultery. My MIL then getting more upset and screaming that no one taking her side so she storming off Jane house and drove away. 
The next day, Jane went to her parents house to check if everything is ok and to find things broken here and there in the house. My MIL has short temper when she got very angry, she will start breaking things and anything that close to her hands...
So, Jane asked her mom if everything is ok since they look like they still fighting about that porn DVD. My MIL is still screaming at her husband when Jane walking in to check on them. My MIL said to my FIL that he got 3 months to sell everything in the house that belongs to him. 
At that moment while they are screaming at each other, my MIL grabbed a kitchen knife and threaten to kill FIL. Jane was screaming at the top of her lung, calling my MIL name (stupid) to stop threaten her dad. My MIL didn't like Jane tone of voice so she was throwing Jane out of her house and on the way out Jane asked for her house key back and my MIL threw the house key at Jane.
Now this is come to the part when my husband got involved in the situation. Before MIL throwing Jane out of the house, Jane called my husband and told him the situation that her mom threaten to kill her dad with a knife on his neck and also threaten to kill her at some point. My husband told Jane that he will call the police to go there and check on the situation and making sure that everyone is safe.
My husband also called his dad on his cell phone asking him if he's ok. and my husband told his dad that he's going to call the police due to his mom's behavior. So, my husband called the police and reported the incident but he left out the knife part of it because he didn't want to put his mom in jail. So, the police got to the parents house and found everything is in peace. No incident what so ever! Wow. they both pretended that nothing ever happened there beside just a normal fight. So, the police left their house.
So, the next day my MIL called the priest to ask him if what my FIL did is considered adultery. And once again, the priest told her that it is NOT adultery. HOwever, she seemed to be listening to the priest advice than anyone else in the family. at least she didn't get angry at him. So, the priest suggested them to get marriage counseling. 
So, the problem here is after everyone has to go through for what my MIL did. She still pretended that nothing ever happened and she told her daughters that she never threaten to kill her husband and implied that Jane is the crazy one. Her daughter, Jane is the one that hurt the most from this incident and from her mom reaction. There is no sorry, apology or anything from her mother and she seemed to be cheerful posting cheerful things on facebook like everything is normal. And yes, my MIL and FIL made up with each other and they are good now but I don't understand how she could do this to her children. Jane has two young kids and she told me that she won't let her mom get near them ever again. MY MIL never called my husband once since the incident only my FIL called and kept telling us that everything is good and we can come over their house any time. My husband still upset at his mom for dragging her children into their marital problem and she didn't even acknowledge or admitted for what she did was wrong. 
The MAIN issue for me is, we booked a trip for them to come with us in June to Europe and from what I can see this is not going to happen for them. They still thinking that they are coming with us in June to Europe but we have a power to remove their name from our cabins anytime. My husband told me that he will remove their names from our cabins if by she is still acting like nothing ever happened. This is our trip and I feel like we should enjoy our trip and it's not a good idea to bring them with us this time.

So, what are your thoughts and suggestions about this incident? Should we remove their names off our trip? I don't think they deserved to go with us this time. How can my husband tell his mom about she will not be coming with us on the trip? He told his dad twice but he didn't relay the message to my MIL because he afraid of the consequences.

Any advises are greatly appreciated.

Thank you 
sleepless somewhere


----------



## ducrider (Sep 24, 2013)

Don't go with them
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

That is why you never drag your kids into your marital problems. They take sides. 

But the issue at hand is the trip. I would disinvite them and give them notice ahead of time. That way you don't have to deal with it when you are ready to leave. 

Good luck darling. Don't get involved. They will figure things out and love each other again when the hurt has passed.(the kids and parents).


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

He should have had her put in jail. I understand him not wanting to, but that is what she deserves for that behavior. Also, I would not involve myself with her at all on any level.


----------



## snowmyst (Feb 29, 2016)

Hello and thank you for all advises!
Few weeks after the incident, my FIL is the only one who calling us and he spoke to my husband few times. During that time, my husband made it cleared that if his mother still not admitted and accepted her bad behavior and apologize to her kids for putting them through their marriage problem then he will remove their names from our trip in June. My husband told his dad every time he called but each time, his dad still siding along with his mom. I think my FIL is afraid that she will leave him because they married for 53 years so he only will tell her what she wants to hear and not what my husband told him about our trip. So, up until this date, my FIL still did not tell MIL about their trip will be cancelled so my MIL still thinking that she's coming along. So, my FIL tried to call us again yesterday but my husband didn't want to speak to him anymore. He's expecting his mom to call him but she never did so for him there's nothing to talk about with his FIL. So, what other way that my husband can let his mother know that she will not be coming with us on the trip? His father is useless because he's not helping to reconcile this at all. He only told his wife what she wanted to hear. 

Thank you and god bless.


----------



## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

snowmyst said:


> Hello and thank you for all advises!
> Few weeks after the incident, my FIL is the only one who calling us and he spoke to my husband few times. During that time, my husband made it cleared that if his mother still not admitted and accepted her bad behavior and apologize to her kids for putting them through their marriage problem then he will remove their names from our trip in June. My husband told his dad every time he called but each time, his dad still siding along with his mom. I think my FIL is afraid that she will leave him because they married for 53 years so he only will tell her what she wants to hear and not what my husband told him about our the trip. So, up until this date, my FIL still did not tell MIL about their trip will be cancelled so my MIL still thinking that she's going along. So, my FIL tried to call us again yesterday but my husband didn't want to speak to him anymore. He's expecting his mom to call him but she never did so for him there's nothing to talk about with his FIL. So, what other way that my husband can let his mother know that she will not be coming with us on the trip? His father is useless because he's not helping to reconcile this at all. He only told his wife what she wanted to hear.
> 
> Thank you and god bless.


Your H needs to grow a set and tell his M directly tat she, and FIL, will NOT be going on the trip because of her behavior.

When MIL starts screaming and threatening, and she will, H hangs up and puts her in CO or at least a long TO.

Next time MIL pulls a stunt like this, call the police and report ALL the details. Tell them there was a knife involved last time but everyone was afraid to mention it.

Since MIL cares so much what her priest thinks, perhaps H should speak to him and let him know the whole story. Maybe he can get through to her.

But under *NO *circumstances do they go on that trip with you.

IamSomebody


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Don't get involved, or you will be blamed. Your husband needs to stand his ground with his dad and his mother. Unless she openly acknowledges what she did, and apologizes, your relationship with her will not be business as usual.

Your MIL's behavior was way out of line, and in fact illegal. Threatening someone's life, with a knife in hand, is worthy of some jail time, and intense anger management counseling. She got neither. This will happen again since she was allowed to get away with it.

Let your husband read this thread, so he can get perspective and gain some courage to do the right thing now and in the future.

On a side note, I disagree that pornography is not adultery. I believe it is a form of adultery.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why is it your business what MIL/FIL did in their own home? Other than her owing Jane an apology, I don't understand why you two are in the middle of this. They didn't do anything to YOU, did they? 

Or is it that you think she'll go crazy and threaten you guys, too?


----------



## snowmyst (Feb 29, 2016)

Hi Turnera, thanks for the reply.

My husband involved in this because he had to call the police on his mother and I somehow worried because we booked the trip for MIL/FIL to come along with us in June and now this happened. I don't feel comfortable going anywhere with them after this incident. Until this get resolved then I will consider taking them with us on our trip. My MIL is not only owed Jane an apology but also my husband and the other sister for dragging them into their marriage problem to begin with.

Also, I understand that watching porn can be defensive to some people and may consider an adultery of some form. but having said that, there is no excuse for my MIL to behave the way she did at my FIL and dragged her children into their marital problem. As for me, I tried not to get involved in their problem at all causes. I just concerned about the trip we booked for them to come along...

Thanks again.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

You definitely aren't going to enjoy yourselves on the trip if they come with you. I think disinviting them would be the best thing for you. I don't think they would have that good of a time either. You can't just shake somethiong like this off as if it didn't happen. It will take a while for the wounds from this to heal. In the mean time please be very understnading toward your husband regarding this, it's going to be rough for him to recover from this. Time away alone on the trip might just be the best thing for you!


----------



## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Blossom Leigh said:


> He should have had her put in jail. I understand him not wanting to, but that is what she deserves for that behavior. Also, I would not involve myself with her at all on any level.


:iagree: ^^^THIS x's 1000

I would have as little to do with your MIL as possible. I grew up with people like that, and they're not worth the stress or the trauma they will inevitably cause.

Don't bring them with you. Not as a punishment, not because MIL hasn't apologized, but because you don't want to be trapped next to that kind of crazy on a vacation.


----------



## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

I think I would use porn if I were married to a crazy b!tch like that too.

But seriously as others have said, YOU need to stay out of it. Let your husband take care of it. Many people will get VERY defensive about their families. While husband and SILs may be on your side now if you chime in too much they might not like an "outsider" saying so much about "Mom" eventually.

Otherwise I agree and would not like to go on a trip with a nutjob like that either. And FiL sounds like a poor beaten down schlep.


----------



## snowmyst (Feb 29, 2016)

Thanks again for all that replied to this stressful situation that piling on the top of our stressful jobs...

Anyway, I cannot believe this is another side of my MIL because otherwise she was caring person as she can be that no one would believe that she can behave in such a way she did. However, I found out from my husband sibling that this is the worst that my MIL behaved. She used to throw things at her husband every time she got angry and broken things at the same time but never this bad. Now both my husband sisters thinking that their mother may have some type of mental issue like dementia or something but then if that's true, she would have asked what's going on why no one calling her anymore like they used to. Instead, she just acting like the incident has never happened and posted on facebook about cheerful stuffs like BAU. I'm praying that she will come around and realized that her bad behavior is not only impacted her kids but also her grand kids and the relationship between her and her children will never be the same.
God helps us, my husband also a short temper but not as bad like his mother. They are italian so that may explain why. Thanks again for all your advises...


----------



## snowmyst (Feb 29, 2016)

Also, one quick note to clarify some information above. When my MIL asked her two daughters (Jane, Dana) about their opinion in watching porn considered an adultery. My MIL received an honest answer from them so they are not taking any sides. They tried to support and give her comfort in anyway they can but my MIL didn't even give them a chance to comfort her. All she did was criticizing her daughters opinions and completely rejected them when they tried to support her feeling. 
Jane used to call her mother almost everyday but now, she tried to avoid calling her, and some day Jane will get a call from her mother who still doesn't want to talk about what she did and Jane just played along with her. Jane asked me if she should confront her mother and discuss about her mother behavior? or should she just go with the flow. What would be the safe/effective way for Jane to deal with her mother?
Thank you.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

"Mom, what you did was over the top and I don't feel safe dealing with you until you address what happened. Let me know when you're ready to do that."


----------



## snowmyst (Feb 29, 2016)

@Tunera, thank you so much for the suggestion...it sounds good, I will pass this on to Jane.. I hope she will open up and discuss about it with Jane and then my husband can do the same...hopefully...


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

opuss said:


> @snowmyst You spelled the user ID wrong that's why it isn't in bold.


So nice of you to help out a newbie with that helpful tip!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snowmyst (Feb 29, 2016)

Update: I got a phone call from my FIL calling my cell phone the other day. I didn't answer. He tried to call our home phone and my husband unplugged the phone cable. Then he called on my cell phone. Next time he calling, should I answer the call? He left vmx for us to call him back but we never did. My husband get tired of repeating the same thing over and over but I don't lknow if I should answer my cell next time he calls. I just don't feel comfortable talking to him and I feel that my husband should be the one talking. Thanks again...


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Tell your husband that your father is calling constantly. It sounds like his parents don't understand or respect boundaries. He needs to "train" them. Don't you do anything. Don't answer the phone when you know it is them. Let your husband deal with it. You don't want to be blamed for the breakdown in their relationship.

If they keep pestering you and your husband after he asks them to stop calling, your husband may have to file a restraining order. He might have to tell them that is his next step.


----------



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

While many of the issues are hard, I complete agree with this, "Don't get involved, or you will be blamed." She is the perfect person to blamed for all of this. It's none of her business. She's like the kid who walks up to the growling Rotweiler, and is surprised to get bitten.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I don't see anything wrong with writing your FIL a note telling him why you're not interacting at the moment. Telling him you understand that he has to support his wife, but that the rest of you guys don't feel comfortable or safe, given what she's done. Let him take the next step.


----------



## snowmyst (Feb 29, 2016)

I know I'm in a difficult situation and I'm even thinking of writing email to my MIL saying that if she 's ready to talk about what happened then she can call my husband because right now my MIL never attempted t o call my husband since the incident but I heard that she has called her daughters although she's still acting like she didn't do anytihing wrong so I don't know if I should write her an email... I hate to be in the middle of the situation where I can't really help anybody. but at the sametime I didn't want to get involved either. I haven't been sleeping well at night...


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

snow, this is an issue your husband should be dealing with, not you. And if he's too chicken to stand up to his mom, well, that's another issue altogether. 

Maybe the two of you just need to learn to be ok without her in your life.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

snowmyst said:


> I know I'm in a difficult situation and I'm even thinking of writing email to my MIL saying that if she 's ready to talk about what happened then she can call my husband because right now my MIL never attempted t o call my husband since the incident but I heard that she has called her daughters although she's still acting like she didn't do anytihing wrong so I don't know if I should write her an email... I hate to be in the middle of the situation where I can't really help anybody. but at the sametime I didn't want to get involved either. I haven't been sleeping well at night...


Not your circus, not your monkeys. The only thing you "have" to do is state that you do not feel safe around his mom or accepting calls from his dad. Let him do the rest. Change cell numbers if you have to. Your H will step up.


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

It's none of your business what goes on between a married couple in their own home. Let it go. If ur FIL is fine and happy and doesn't have a problem then why do you? Sometimes married people have crazy fights, I swear it's not uncommon for a married couple to fight so bad that one threatens to hurt the other or leave the other. I think you should let them go on your trip. By not allowing them it's like your punishing them bc of their behavior which is none of your business, AND it's controlling, and your not the boss of them. 

If you are adamant that they don't go, then just kindly tell them that you don't feel comfortable after what happened. The end. I think it's really not that big of a deal. People get hurt and become vulnerable and sometimes they act crazy... Your going to punish them for this?? It's crazy to me.


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Plus some people don't like to talk about things. My parents always sweep things under the rug, and I'm not saying that's right, but it's how they deal with things and I need to respect that. She does not owe you a conversation. Let it go. Don't make it a bigger deal than it is, and stop trying to control the situation. To me... There is no situation. A couple had a really bad fight, things got out of hand, and now they are fine.


----------



## snowmyst (Feb 29, 2016)

Katie, thanks for your feedback on the situation. However, I think you missed the point that I tried to make in earlier post.
You mentioned that "It's not our business and we should let them go on our trip" I think it will very hard for me to enjoy my vacation knowing that I have to faking and pretending that nothing ever happened and phone call my husband made to the police meant nothing.
I just don't understand why it's hard for my MIL to admit that what she did was wrong so we all can move on with our lives. I certainly do not want to be involved in their marriage but for her to drag her kids into their fight and marital problem that was wrong. My husband certain cannot wear a mask and pretend that nothing ever happened and phone call to police meant nothing to him. Please understand that if we decided not to let them go on the trip with us, this is not a punishment but in realiity they do have things to work out in their marriage and and for their best interest, they should try to go on the trip alone without anyone else to distract them from spending quality time and sort things out with each other. If they come along with us to the trip then this is to punish us not them. and what did we do wrong? nothing... 

I mean she could have been put in jail if my husband didn't left out the knife part when he reported to the police. Not only she threated to kill her husband but she also threaten to kill her own daughter who was there trying to calm her down. Anyone who is in their right mind would know that threaten to harm someone's life with a knife in hand is a serious situation. I don't care who that person is, they should be treated the same way. So, now my MIL texting me that she made a reserveration for Easter Sunday at the park and inviting us to go. So, should we go? and if we do how should we react? My husband already told me upfront that he's not going. My husband's sister used to reserve the park every Easter Sunday but this year because of this incident no one wanted to do it so my MIL went ahead and reserved it. Now, I don't know if anybody going at all this year...

NOTE: My husband and I have no intention to get into anyone marriage problem. My MIL called her daughter to tell her about her marriage problem then when things didn't get her way and starting to get worst, my husband sister called my husband and told him about the situation. NOT to mention who else my MIL dragging along into her marital problem like her priest her doctor, her friends!.... And you absolutely right, that the marriage problem should stay between husband and wife only...and no one else...


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Don't go.


----------



## snowmyst (Feb 29, 2016)

It is also crazy to let someone like that coming along on a far away trip....I understand that nobody is perfect but I guess if OJ Simpson can get away with murder then my MIL can too.... The point trying to make here is if MIL dragged her kids into her marital problem and she did something that really bad that someone has to call police on her then don't you think that she owed her daughter and my husband an apology for putting them through this nightmare? We all can forgive and forget but right now we can only forgive but not forget until she 's ready to talk about it...


----------



## snowmyst (Feb 29, 2016)

Finally, we decided nothing much we can do but to let them coming along with us on the cruise trip .. Will try my best to think positively and just enjoy my vacation away from stressful job... wish me luck!


----------



## introvert (May 30, 2016)

snowmyst said:


> Finally, we decided nothing much we can do but to let them coming along with us on the cruise trip .. Will try my best to think positively and just enjoy my vacation away from stressful job... wish me luck!


Seriously? Your husband is a complete wimp. 

Good luck indeed!


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

snowmyst said:


> Finally, we decided nothing much we can do but to let them coming along with us on the cruise trip .. Will try my best to think positively and just enjoy my vacation away from stressful job... wish me luck!


Seriously? :surprise:

OP you are insane. Even without all this [email protected], why would you want to go on holiday with your inlaws???


----------



## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

introvert said:


> Seriously? Your husband is a complete wimp.
> 
> Good luck indeed!


Honestly the entire family sounds like its made of wimps. It's a bunch of adults sitting around too afraid to tell a woman she owed everyone an apology for her ridiculous behavior and until she gave it not to bother contacting them let alone coming on a planned vacation .

Instead they do passive aggressive crap like not answering the phone, whining behind the woman's back about things they should be saying to her face, and thinking about writing her a letter, etc.
Seriously?

The FIL has no balls and apparently in that family it's contagious.

Sent from my SM-G900P using Tapatalk


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

snowmyst said:


> Finally, we decided nothing much we can do but to let them coming along with us on the cruise trip .. Will try my best to think positively and just enjoy my vacation away from stressful job... wish me luck!


 @snowmyst -Good Luck! You're right that you should not be the one to talk to the FIL or MIL; it's your husbands place to do that. Just like if the incident was with your part of the family, then it would be your responsibility. Your MIL sounds unstable and the family enabled her behavior by not being honest with the police. I wouldn't feel safe knowing that she has an explosive temper and threatened lives! Enjoy your trip.


----------



## sfd'swife (Oct 21, 2013)

I too, had an out of control MIL. Your husband needs to address this with his mom. He needs to tell her that she and his dad are dis-invited on your trip. It's up to him to set the boundaries.


----------

