# opinions needed,please



## minnesota59 (Apr 3, 2015)

I've been married almost 28 years and received my divorce papers on March 17. The marriage hasn't been good for many, many years, and I was expecting this to happen eventually. H is an alcoholic, who has been verbally abusive and was once arrested for physically abusing me.(I didn't press charges because I was unsure how this would impact my then 14yo daughter..ik, stupid reason). I am to blame in some of the problems in this marriage as I let my loneliness get the better of me...
He has moved out of the house after "reconnecting" with an old girlfriend. He spent time texting her, going to the bars to meet up with her, and spending many weekends staying at her house, and then returning home so innocently. On February 21, after I caught the 2 of them at a bar together, he was picked up and transported to detox in a different city. He phoned the next day and begged me to come and pick him up. I told him to find someone else, but he said "there isn't anybody else" and that his "life is spiraling out of control". Like an idiot I did….he never thanked my daughter and I for getting him..
Supposedly he has been staying with his sister during this time, but his truck is always at the girlfriends place…he has hardly anything left at our house, has taken most of his clothing, the tax returns,etc..but when I questioned him if all the stuff he's taken fits in his sisters apartment he just asks me why I need to know?? Sorry, I ramble..my question is, he was at the house today retrieving the clothing he forgot the last time he was here, and he took a bill that I had opened.. (he makes 3x my salary). Do you think it's a ploy to pay the bills so he won't need to pay interim spousal support? He has always said I will get NOTHING... Our daughter is still living at home and works only pt right now.. Thank you for listening….


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

He will most likely end up paying support. Talk to a lawyer, and get some advice.

Next time he calls and is in trouble, hang up. Your obligations to him are over, your relationship has ended. He is using you only when it is convenient for him.

In the mean time, make positive changes in your life. Find ways of bettering your situation, go out with friends, create a social network that can benefit you.

He is a dysfunctional person, and when his new gf cannot handle the stress of being with him, she will dump him, so be prepared if he comes running back.

If he was abusive towards you, he will continue the same pattern in a new relationship. AS you have witness, he hasn't changed.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If he normally is on top of paying bills, then maybe that's just him being him. It might also be him "taking care" of you in the hopes that you will see you really need him in spite of the assaults, the womanizing, the excessive drinking, etc. Crazy, I know, but most of the substance abusers I've met seem to feel we should adore them if they just occasionally act semi-human. Giving money is a lot easier than giving their time, respect, loyalty, honesty, actual love.


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## minnesota59 (Apr 3, 2015)

Thanks Mr. Fisty, foolscotton3, and unbelievable for commenting on my post. I will heed your advice and wisdom. Isn't it sad to think you are wise about such an unhappy situation? I did hire an attorney and we are in the answering stage. My daughter is 21, but he has not attempted to contact her at all…(even knowing she is in the house when he comes back to retrieve his belongings.)..she says she's ok with that, but still I know she is hurting…how do I explain that his life no longer includes her, the gf is most important? I know she is an adult, but still….
To be honest, I am so frightened when I think of the future. I know, take it one moment at a time…and I do, during the day, it's the nighttime that gets me all twisted up again…He is planning on coming here tomorrow again..I wish he would just take everything that it his and NOT come back…not seeing him gives me time to become stronger….


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I am sure your daughter knows of his dysfunction. Yes, she will be hurt, even though she knows of her father's issues, she cannot help but love him or is attach to him. He is a part of her genetic make-up, and biological bonds are strong.

You may get over him and become detached to the point of indifference, but it will be harder for your children. Just be there when they are ready to talk, and just listen. Sometimes, they might need help to deal with the rejection.

In his new relationship, he is going through the infatuation stage, which will make him more obsessive to be with her. It motivates him to be with her often for the purpose of mating. You can think of the infatuation as a love addiction.

The less you see him, the more you can quickly detach. When you see him, your brain releases bonding hormones, making you want to reconnect with him. Try moving his things to a separate room, and put them in boxes. If you know he will be around, avoid being home or around at that time.

Also living your life, going out, will help you detach more quickly from him. Make new friends, strengthen new bonds, and the more positive steps you take in making your life fulfilling, the less his loss will affect you. Releasing those feel good hormones will help battle the depression, and help with a better outlook on life. Things like laughing, exercise, and the exercise will help with more restful sleep, just smiling will trigger those hormones as well, meeting new people, having people that care about you around, are things that will positively affect you.


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## lindacolbert (Apr 3, 2015)

You will have to fight for justice and then any how he will have to pay you and also take custody of your daughter don't leave her with your husband. I would suggest take advice from a good lawyer and move on.


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