# He is leaving us for his SugarBaby



## TxSad73 (May 10, 2015)

I am 41 and my husband is 44. We have known each other 20+ years but only married 15. We have 3 children (13,11, and 9) 

it's been a horrible few weeks for me, i have been to hell and back in the last few weeks. My husband recently told me he is not happy and wants to leave. No mention of a current affair what so ever, but did inform me that he has cheated on me in the past. These women include strippers and people he meets at bars. My husband and i do well financially so women are attracted to this. Because i never saw this coming, I basically fall apart and did all the wrong things. I cried, begged and asked that we go to MC. He agreed, but weeks later he tells me he only agreed because he felt sorry for me.

Fast forward a week after my initial discovery i find text messages to a women. I input the phone number into Facebook and i find that this is a 20 year old ex stripper he is seeing! After a lot of research i find that he has set her up with an apartment and an allowance! How could this have happened? Who is this guy I've been married to for so long? He and i have been together thru a lot and i hardly recognize him. he is not the same person he was a month ago. I again ask to go to try and work it out, suggest that he is going thru a Midlife Crisis but he is not open to any R. 

I know where this girl lives and am tempted to go speak to her. I don't know if i should mention it to her family. she is not married so i would be telling her parents and siblings. I have spoke to my in laws and they are shocked, my FIL has spoken to my husband but he is not willing to even consider R.

I don't understand how this smart guy can be so stupid. How can he trade his family and their emotional well being for a fantasy? Can he not see that this is all a fantasy? her affection is bough, why can't he see that?

I am devastated, i cant eat or drink and have done nothing at work for weeks.... I wish i could hate him... but all i can think about is my life without him. how will i tell my children? I am terrified on how this will affect them.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

TxSad73 said:


> My husband recently told me he is not happy and wants to leave.


I'm sorry to read that. Please, go on.



TxSad73 said:


> No mention of a current affair what so ever, but did inform me that he has cheated on me in the past. These women include strippers and people he meets at bars.


So he's a serial cheat but he's the unhappy one?



TxSad73 said:


> I cried, begged and asked that we go to MC. He agreed, but weeks later he tells me he only agreed because he felt sorry for me.


He feels sorry that you would chase after a loser like him.



TxSad73 said:


> I find that this is a 20 year old ex stripper he is seeing! After a lot of research i find that he has set her up with an apartment and an allowance!


At least when you divorce him his money will go towards child support rather than a money grubbing hooker.



TxSad73 said:


> I again ask to go to try and work it out, suggest that he is going thru a Midlife Crisis but he is not open to any R.


He want's nothing to do with you.



TxSad73 said:


> my FIL has spoken to my husband but he is not willing to even consider R.


He even told his dad he wants nothing to do with you.



TxSad73 said:


> How can he trade his family and their emotional well being for a fantasy? Can he not see that this is all a fantasy? her affection is bought, why can't he see that?


He sees it. He just places a higher value on a prostitute (he throws money at her and she gives him sex) than his own family.



TxSad73 said:


> but all i can think about is my life without him.


Sounds like a pretty awesome dream right about now. You should make it happen. Immediately.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

TxSad73 said:


> My husband and i do well financially


Your H will then have no trouble with child support. Serve the D papers.


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## PBDad (Apr 13, 2015)

Get a lawyer. Get a Divorce and as much of his money as you can. Move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

You have everything you need. Consult with Attorney(s). Get your ducks in a row, and have him served. Judge his reaction to this to see if there is any room for a R. If not, move ahead. We all know how this "relationship" is going to turn out for him. A Judge will not allow him to continue squandering marital assets like this. Once the money faucet is turned off for her, she will move on to the next conquest. Its your turn to be in control of this, because your husband obviously is not. Use your children for inspiration, make the hard decisions for them. You all dont deserve this.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You deserve better than that. It sounds like he's made up his mind.Try & focus on yourself & Your kids. They are going to need you to be there for them. I know it's so painful. But step back, take a deep breath & look at what kind of man he really is now & what he's doing to your family, His children. 

Don't let him destroy you. He has cheated on you through out your whole marriage. You've tried pleading & crying apparently he doesn't care. so now Hold your head high & let him know that you deserve better. Show him what he's losing.. A strong, confident woman that can make it on her own & do better than him.. I wish you the best.. So sorry you're here..


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Hoping for a big fast karma bus for him.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Get to an attorney ASAP and get forensics on the financials to be sure all his expenditures on his sugarbaby end up coming from his half of the assets and not yours. He will soon learn he can't use marital assets to fund an extramarital affair. There was a case just in the past week or so where the court ruled that the AP had to pay back to the BW all the money her WH paid for stuff for her (house, car, gifts, etc).


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Hoping for a big fast karma bus for him.


Oh it will. You don't really think a 20 year old ex stripper is interested in a 44 year old pathetic d0uchebag with 3 kids do you? She sees money. 

And he's likely not the only one she's fvcking for money either. The way this will play out is she'll eventually dump him and there's a good possibility he'll cry about what a terrible mistake he made and he really wants family back. I just hope if that happens op is beyond taking him back. OP, people who cry and beg don't come across as having value.

Do yourself a favor and file for divorce, then ask for every dime of child support you can get. A pathetic, broke 44 year old won't be so attractive to a money grubbing wh0re.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TxSad73 (May 10, 2015)

Thank you for your comments. I need to hear them because i still have hope and i know it's so stupid that i do. My kids have no clue! We were all in Hawaii for spring break and checking out the homes for a future dream retirement. The kids even joked on how fun it would be to visit once they had children. WTH happened to my husband? the pain is unbearable. My whole future completely erased.

He has offered to continue covering the expenses and even asked if he could just stay and live in the house. WTH? He wants to be my roommate? I asked why he didn't move in with her and said he didn't want to because he wanted a relationship with his children. WHAT?

Also, because we never "officially" married he was under the impression that he could just walk away and not go thru the divorce process. Thankfully we live in Texas and i am considered his wife since we have represented each other as such and have filed our tax returns as such. When i mentioned a D Lawyer i could see his hesitation as he (we) have a very successful small business. He didn't realized that as his wife, i own 50% of it (this is per some research i have done, need to verify that with the lawyer). 

Why do i feel so much pain even though i know that he is a POS and i know that my children and i will be OK financially? Why do i care? why do i not throw him out. I have made an appointment with a counselor as this is starting to affect my job. I just sit here and stare at the monitor all day.


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## TxSad73 (May 10, 2015)

Thank you to everyone for your comments. He and I have gone thru so much together that it is difficult to just throw it all away. We have been dirt poor and filthy rich, lost it all and gained some of it back thru hard work. During the recession we had car's towed away for lack of payment, lights turned off, property foreclosed, even filed for bankruptcy. I went back to work and became the primary breadwinner, even cashed in my old 401k to get our business back from the brink after the last recession. Now that everything is back in order he comes up with this? it's just terrible after all the hard work. 

i know deep down what i have to do and i must get the ball rolling even if it hurts this much. He was surprised to hear me say the D word because he thought he could just walk away. We are not legally married, but this is Texas and we have been representing ourselves as husband and wife. He did ask if he could just live here in the house to make it easier on the kids. Yep! he wants to be my roommate, WTH is wrong with this guy?

Would you OUT the OW to her friends and family? Stupidly she has an open FB account and i can see all her friends and family. It would be so easy to just friend them all and drop the bomb on them. I could even send a mass email to all her high school graduating class (did i mention i am a messaging engineer?). I told him this and he said "oh it's not her fault"... WTH? she knows you are married and have 3 kids, why is it not her fault??


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Abc123wife said:


> Get to an attorney ASAP and get forensics on the financials to be sure all his expenditures on his sugarbaby end up coming from his half of the assets and not yours. He will soon learn he can't use marital assets to fund an extramarital affair. There was a case just in the past week or so where the court ruled that the AP had to pay back to the BW all the money her WH paid for stuff for her (house, car, gifts, etc).


^^^^^^
THIS!

Get to a good lawyer yesterday!


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Sorry you are going thru this.

See a lawyer ASAP, protect all family finances. You may not be able to stop him for from paying for the love nest, but make sure you and your three kids get at a minimum your fair share.

Also get tested for STDs. Who knows what he may have exposed you to over the years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Forensic audit as suggested above sounds like a great idea.

A fun little tip--

If she is in college, send copies of the audit and what support she received to the financial aid office. She was required by federal law to report all support received. At a minimum it will screw with her award package. And depending on the attitude of that office they could discipline her pretty harshly too...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Oh it will. You don't really think a 20 year old ex stripper is interested in a 44 year old pathetic d0uchebag with 3 kids do you? She sees money.
> 
> And he's likely not the only one she's fvcking for money either. The way this will play out is she'll eventually dump him and there's a good possibility he'll cry about what a terrible mistake he made and he really wants family back. I just hope if that happens op is beyond taking him back. OP, people who cry and beg don't come across as having value.
> 
> ...


Actually, be she a gold digger or a lovestruck simpleton, it doesn't matter. The result, the death of a marriage, is the same.

WS went hunting and caught her. But he shouldn't have been hunting, should he? :scratchhead:


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Honey, I'm so, so sorry for what you're going through. Been in a similar situation, myself, although I am 50, STBX is 56, and the OW he's leaving us for is a 53-year-old, gold-digging widow. I think she actually does want to marry him, because she's lonely, bored, and desperate. My STBX is making a huge mistake, just like your STBX (and you should start thinking of him in those terms, because he doesn't deserve to get to keep you), but he probably won't be dropped like a bad habit like yours will once the divorce really starts happening.

I was in a very similar place where you are in February and March of this year, after I found out, and all the other lies he'd been telling started their steady stream of unraveling. It was a horrible place. The worst thing I've ever been through, and I've lost both my parents. I felt at times like I was barely breathing.

But I made it through it. You will, too.

Something that helped me keep my sanity was "The 180." Someone more savvy at it here than I can post a link to it for you. Or you can Google it. I will warn you that it didn't save my marriage, because, as I've come to realize, my STBX had checked out of ours years ago (I've since discovered/realized there were at least two EAs that I know of before this one - there may have been others). But in the final analysis, it's best that he didn't want to try to save it, because I don't want him back.

You don't feel this way right now, I know, but I promise you - you will come to realize that someone who has valued you so little for so long is not worthy of your heart and your time.

You'll come to see that it's not that your STBX has changed - it's that he's revealed himself for what he really is. I've read it put here in different ways, and they're all accurate: Narcissist who lacks empathy. User who is incapable of feeling real love. Cold hearted snake (that one's my own, and Paula Abdul's).

Take the advice of all these good people here about lawyering up. Also, please consider getting some counseling for yourself, unless you have some very close friends who are willing to let you vent as often as you need to. And you will need to often.

Mostly: Hold on. Read The 180. Read it again and again. It empowered me and kept me sane. Even my idiot STBX remarked a month after D-Day that I had "changed for the better" and I was "getting stronger." Again, no. I was just revealing myself for what I really am: So much better than he is in character and heart in every way, it isn't even funny. You are better than this one, too. So much better. You won't see it right away. You'll blame yourself for his appalling behavior. You'll allow him to blame you. That's temporary. Your rage at the injustice of his treatment of you and your beautiful children will rise in you like a building inferno, and it will lift you out of the terrible hole you feel like you're in right now and save you if you let it.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

I can't add anything to what has been said above......take the high road and get out quickly. Shock and awe.......The less you dwell on this the better......


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Get a bulldog lawyer ASAP. Get the most lawyer you can afford, get the best, before he does.

With his level of pride..., yeah he wants to destroy you in court, and he expects it.

You need to protect what you worked for, right now he is willing to throw all that away for a piece of a$$. Take advantage of his reckless state and clean him out, then when he has nothing left to show for see how you feel about taking him back.


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## Chas (Apr 2, 2015)

I can't imagine how badly you're hurting and your husband has made it worse by going to counseling. It seems the marriage is over for sure and you already know about getting a lawyer so the next thing you need to do is detach form him.

The 180  will help you become an independent person again and will not give you husband the satisfaction of seeing you suffer. He does seem to lack empathy. Get moving on it now and you'll soon start to feel better about yourself.


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## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

15 years of marriage will give you almost half or even slightly more so you and the children will be safe financially speaking. You're in texas ? Perfect! Adultery is one of the divorce grounds there and will affect alimony and property division, get all the proofs (emails, text and phone records etc) and file for divorce. Let's see how that sugar baby thing working out when he faces the reality of divorce


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

TX, you feel terrible and lost now but time will heal that. 

Your husband sounds like a douche bag who is firmly caught in the affair fog. Reality will set in for him soon enough but when it does you need to have a good lawyer, papers drawn up, your finances all sorted and ready to smack him with divorce. He doesn't deserve another chance as he will do it again, he's a serial cheater.
Of course he wants to stay in the house, pretend to be the family man, have his cake and eat it. Tell him to move out and don't give him an inch.
Your WH has no respect for you and even tells you he has cheated throughout your marriage. Although it is painful now you are much better off without him as he sounds selfish and cruel.
As Nomorebeans suggested do the 180 on him, don't let him know what you are planning.
Your older kid probably understands what is going on, hide nothing from them, do not lie for your H.
Also expose him to everyone, your family, his family, colleagues, expose her too (in a nice way). The sooner this is brought out into the light the faster will things move and you will not be stuck in this limbo land or pain.
Keep you chin up and listen to the more experienced people on TAM (I am not one of them). They will give you great advice. Hugs


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Owning a business makes it so much more vital you consult with Attorney(s). It makes things much more complicated in a divorce. Once your Husband sees and feels this, (He really needs to feel it), he may have a change of heart. You will then, have the control on how, and if, R is possible, or not. You may decide not. You have to risk loosing your marriage, to save it. It is very counter intuitive, but, that is how it works. 

You need experts involved here. Stop the flow of money away from the family. Be careful, though, depending on state laws, and the type of business, the "goodwill" of the business is an enormously difficult thing to value, and may not be possible to separate from him. Only the value of the "material" property of the business. You need to get the professionals involved, and quickly. He needs money to continue his wayward lifestyle. That will be his weakness.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

TxSad73 said:


> I know deep down what i have to do and i must get the ball rolling even if it hurts this much. He was surprised to hear me say the D word because he thought he could just walk away. We are not legally married, but this is Texas and we have been representing ourselves as husband and wife. He did ask if he could just live here in the house to make it easier on the kids. Yep! he wants to be my roommate, WTH is wrong with this guy?


I think you need to come to a realization quickly. You keep saying things like, "He's a smart guy how can he fall for this?" and "He doesn't know what he's doing he's in a fantasy." Well you're right about one thing, he's not stupid. 

When I first discovered my ex's affair, I used to think the same way. Then I read her texts and I realized she knew EXACTLY what she was doing. She just A) cared far more about HERSELF and her selfish desires than me and B) was morally bankrupt and NOT A GOOD person. 

Look some people are just pieces of sh!t in pretty wrapping. They are very good at pretending to care but their actions give everything away. Your husband as NO RESPECT for you and you appearing WEAK is only reinforcing that notion to him.

NEWS FLASH: He wants to live in the house so he doesn't have to pay you money. It's purely a self preservation move. Nothing more. He needs his money so he can throw it at his little wh0re to keep the sex coming. If you take 50% plus child support his little fantasy comes crashing down.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

TxSad73 said:


> I am 41 and my husband is 44. We have known each other 20+ years but only married 15. We have 3 children (13,11, and 9)
> 
> it's been a horrible few weeks for me, i have been to hell and back in the last few weeks. My husband recently told me he is not happy and wants to leave. No mention of a current affair what so ever, but did inform me that he has cheated on me in the past. These women include strippers and people he meets at bars. My husband and i do well financially so women are attracted to this. Because i never saw this coming, I basically fall apart and did all the wrong things. I cried, begged and asked that we go to MC. He agreed, but weeks later he tells me he only agreed because he felt sorry for me.
> 
> ...


While I do understand your pain and grief, you need to move on. Love your kids and find a better life for you and for them. You are married to a serial betrayer who has zero feelings for either you or the kids. 

Seek some counseling to help you cope and try and develop a few friends/family as a support group.


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## PBDad (Apr 13, 2015)

Just make damn sure he has no sugar for his baby. Divorce as soon as possible. Keep this toxic vermin out of your life. 

If he felt the way you do about the relationship, he would have never done this. His reward is now that family wrecker he is with seeing the money train ending. She is using sex to gain advantage of his money. Just make sure his sugar is minimized.

Would you ever dream of dating a guy like him? Well, youre married to one now. Get away from him. Protect your kids from this filth.

This OW could be playing your husband and 3 other guys. Get an STD check. Protect yourself.

Your emotions will roll and roll, but things will ease in time. Then, date and find a real man with actual values.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The Train to Stupidville never wants for passengers. If you could figure out why people do stupid things, you'd rule the world. Lucky for you, at least he can afford to financially support his family even while playing the dumba$$. As bad as this feels to you, it might be a blessing. Better to find out this way than with a diagnosis of AIDS, Hep B, or some other sexually transmitted malady. 
I wouldn't be concerned with stripper. No need to talk to her, threaten, or plead with her. She's not your problem and you can't threaten or reason with every stripper or tart on earth. If it wasn't her, it'd be someone else. Letting him have her is the surest way to punish him.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Nomorebeans said:


> You don't feel this way right now, I know, but I promise you - you will come to realize that someone who has valued you so little for so long is not worthy of your heart and your time.


This is true OP.

Everyone that is betrayed like you were, goes through this "fog" of disbelief, desperation, and self devaluation. The question is how long does it take to clear the fog. Some take longer than others, but eventually it will happen for you as well. When it does, you'll be in a better place to move on with your life.

But if you're thinking about attempting R without his demonstrated remorse and acceptance of consequences; when your fog clears, you'll be in a worse place. Namely a false R.

Two pieces of advice. 

Detach from him as best you can. Do the 180. 

Find your anger. Use it constructively. Use it to fuel your resolve - to detach and move on with your life.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

TxSad73 said:


> I am 41 and my husband is 44. We have known each other 20+ years but only married 15. We have 3 children (13,11, and 9)
> 
> it's been a horrible few weeks for me, i have been to hell and back in the last few weeks. My husband recently told me he is not happy and wants to leave. No mention of a current affair what so ever, but did inform me that he has cheated on me in the past. These women include strippers and people he meets at bars. My husband and i do well financially so women are attracted to this. Because i never saw this coming, I basically fall apart and did all the wrong things. I cried, begged and asked that we go to MC. He agreed, but weeks later he tells me he only agreed because he felt sorry for me.
> 
> ...



If he's cheating, he's not a good dad. Better off finding a better husband and father. You deserve better!!! Id he is not respecting you, he doesn't respect his children either. Because this causes harm to them and he simply odes not care. People can say what they want that when they cheat that they are still good parents. NO NO NO BULLSH!T!!! Good parents do not cheat on their spouses. Good parents put their families first. Good parents would never do things to take another good parent away from their children because they have an affair. Good parents would put their children first before risking their happiness and gambling it away.


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## TxSad73 (May 10, 2015)

it's been raining in Texas for weeks and finally, the sun came out yesterday for a bit. It really helped my mood for a bit. The kids and i skipped our usual practices and instead went to see some of our friends play indoor soccer. I telecommute so am home all day long. I could go weeks without speaking to another person face to face. Getting out yesterday really helped.

WS was gone all day, i texted him to see if he would pick up kids from school as i had a surprise conference call thrown at me. He said he could not. Guess where he was during this time (don't ask how i know)? he visited several museums and had lunch and dinner with someone... Yeap... he is deep in that fog everyone mentions. Since D Day he comes home very late at night, but makes it a point to always take the kids to school in the morning. yeap, he justifies this small gesture as being a good parent. 

I have an appointment tomorrow with a counselor, i am not sure why but i am going to see if he will go with me. I would like to see if we can discuss how this will affect my children and how we should tell them. Every time i think about telling them my heart feels like it will explode. They are also starting to ask questions. Does he care? no!

I have printed the 180 and read it at least every hour. I have always worked on myself, honestly this is because he always liked a certain look from me. I workout with a weights 3 times a week so i am thin (not bony) and lean with long dark hair . Come to think of it, two people have asked him in the last year if i am his daughter. I remember he was not happy about that.

Also, the pain is still unbearable. I always laughed at these celebrities and this pain they spoke about, i am now feeling it myself...


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Good post beans.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
You must realize that you have no control over your WH. You must also understand he has no idea what he is doing, he still has the mentality of a child. Our society has become so lacking in trials and challenges that build character that our entire culture is almost totally devoid of it.

Men are no longer men and women are no longer ladies but rather both have slid into a pit of selfserving, self fulfilling narcissism. You cannot rationalize with a child and your WH's mental aptitude is just that. He places himself above all else. Trying to R with him now would be futile. Hardship and difficulty promotes growth and adversity builds character so perhaps losing a family, a caring wife and some of his financial "comfort" may cause some limited amount of mental advancement in him but I doubt it would be sufficient to sustain a marriage long term. He just does not possess the maturity necessary.

I know you are in pain but you must be strong for the sake of your children. You must show them what dedication and sacrifice for the sake of your family looks like. You must be their example of integrity. You will come through this stronger and more confident and with a deeper understanding of how important character is in a relationship. Steel your resolve to remove this negative influence from the life of your children and yourself, to the extent possible. There are still a few men out there with character and integrity and, when you find one, that man will care for you the way you now care for your WH, putting you and the children ahead of himself. Be encouraged and know that there is life after D, perhaps even a better life than you can even imagine in your current state. I wish you and your family every happiness.


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