# Just had a very scary episode at the marriage counselor



## Ametista (Feb 7, 2013)

My husband and I are trying to save our marriage, supposedly. We have been married 12. I know for many years (since before we were even married) he has kept a "journal", and in this journal it lists every day what I did that pissed him off, any thing I say that made him angry, and at times it has hinted at affairs. I know this because one time when we were about to separate I found his journal and read it (because I noticed that he wrote in it every time we argued!). It contained years and years of hating on me in a very scary way. I asked him why on earth he would write such hateful things and he says "So I never forget and so I don't go crazy". It really made my skin crawl. I threw it in the trash and he said he wouldn't do it again. Of course years later I found another one, threw it away. Then he decided to write it all on his computer in a hidden file so I can never find it. So every time we argue about anything he goes in to his room and I can hear him tapping away on his little file of hatred. 

So first of all, is this normal? I think its really abusive behavior and frankly kind of creepy/scary. I actually tried it once (writing similar things about my husband) and I felt ill writing such bad things about him.

So then today, at the therapist, our first day there, I had the pleasure of listening to my husband talk about me. It was like watching him on an acting set (a bad one). He went on these dialogues about my "screaming", "shrieking" and he made several comments like "well as I said, she was altered again, and then she had a problem with X, but she didn't have a problem the previous day". He also referred to me as a "different person" from day to day. All in all, if I had been the therapist I would have thought that I was crazy! And every time I would say "Why are you saying that? Its not even what happened!" He would say in this haughty voice "If you are going to accuse me of lying I won't participate in this" and tilt his nose up. It was the creepiest hour of my life. I swear it was like he had spent years practicing his lines! 

Now I think his little anger files have been for him to convince himself of an alternate reality or something. It was very scary to hear him talk and describe me in ways that were deliberately meant to make me sound like I had severe psychological problems, esp using words like "altered". 

Does any of this sound like it could be good on any level? I have felt physically ill ever since the session ended. Now I am thinking I really want a divorce, but seeing who he really is has me really creeped out. I have been telling him for years that he was mentally and verbally abusive and manipulative but he always turns it around to "Well I wouldn't say those things if you didn't make me mad".


----------



## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Ametista said:


> he has kept a "journal", and in this journal it lists every day what I did that pissed him off, any thing I say that made him angry, and at times it has hinted at affairs. I know this because one time when we were about to separate I found his journal and read it
> 
> I threw it in the trash and he said he wouldn't do it again. Of course years later I found another one, threw it away.
> 
> So first of all, is this normal? I think its really abusive behavior and frankly kind of creepy/scary.


No it's not normal and could be considered creepy/scary behavior and even abusive for you to violate his privacy by reading his private thoughts and throwing his personal journal in the garbage (twice) because you don't happen to like what it says.


----------



## Ametista (Feb 7, 2013)

totamm said:


> No it's not normal and could be considered creepy/scary behavior and even abusive for you to violate his privacy by reading his private thoughts and throwing his personal journal in the garbage (twice) because you don't happen to like what it says.


OH right, because nobody ever looks at stuff they are suspicious about when their spouse is acting suspicious or scary (or has been for several years).
I SHOULD have saved them and given them to a shrink and seen what a pro had to say.


----------



## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Ummm that is weird. A good therapist will see through his words and be able to recognize his irrational thought patterns.


----------



## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

Why is keeping a journal of "lists every day what I did that pissed him off, any thing I say that made him angry" creepy? Kinda weird, I could see. But creepy and scary? What's scary about that? Maybe at some point he felt like you were being verbaly abusive to him, so he decided to keep a record. Were the things he said in it true? Do you remember the arguments you have differently than he does?


----------



## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

I do keep such a log too. My STBXGF has these "explosions" and I wanted to keep a log so I can see how frequent they are and eventually if this relationship is worth keeping. I also log how often we have sex and some other stuff.

I started doing that some months back, when I was convinced that something is not right with this relationship. The log helped me realize that it's not worth it and I have to break free. Also I made sure that I also logged our good times, else it would be lopsided against my GF

What I find strange with your H is that he's keeping these logs for so damn long! What's the point? If he's dissatisfied so much to keep such a log he should have sought a divorce long ago.


----------



## Ametista (Feb 7, 2013)

Well he does not write down anything good. Which is probably one of the reasons why it makes me so upset. He lies and exaggerates what he writes down and it is extremely hateful and ugly, I would never write those sort of things about anybody, much less anybody I ever expected (and tried frequently) to sleep with again.

And its not just me. The first journal he had also contained stuff about his ex-girlfriend. Same stuff, different girl, and SHE dumped HIM and he was very upset about it. 

Also, the reason I knew about the stupid journals is because (in the beginning) I would walk into the living room. He would give me a filthy look and very deliberately put his pen down and walk off with the journal. He obviously wanted me to know that he was writing down his thoughts as some form of punishment (or something?). 

If he TRULY meant all the crap he wrote down, he would have left many years ago! I think it some weird psychological coping mechanism that doesn't even make any sense.


----------



## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Ametista said:


> He lies and exaggerates what he writes down and it is extremely hateful and ugly, I would never write those sort of things about anybody, much less anybody I ever expected (and tried frequently) to sleep with again.


You might not write them down but he sure does, that's all that matters. He's been unhappy for a long time. What to you might appear to be lies and exaggerations, are his truth. Why else would he write them down for only himself to see?



Ametista said:


> If he TRULY meant all the crap he wrote down, he would have left many years ago! I think it some weird psychological coping mechanism that doesn't even make any sense.


Nah, people stay in bad relationships for many reasons. Finances, kids, fear of starting over, finding someone better, that sort of thing. 

Makes no sense that he'd write a bunch of stuff down in a private journal that he doesn't really mean.



Ametista said:


> I SHOULD have saved them and given them to a shrink and seen what a pro had to say.


You still don't get that you violated his privacy by reading them and throwing them away, and that says a lot about you. Ask the therapist about this. See what they say. But don't spin it. Say "I found 2 private journals that belonged to my husband and without my husbands consent, I read them. I didn't like what I read because it was all negative, and I don't think it's true so I threw them away".


----------



## Ametista (Feb 7, 2013)

totamm said:


> You still don't get that you violated his privacy by reading them and throwing them away, and that says a lot about you. Ask the therapist about this. See what they say. But don't spin it. Say "I found 2 private journals that belonged to my husband and without my husbands consent, I read them. I didn't like what I read because it was all negative, and I don't think it's true so I threw them away".


Nope. He knew I read them (he did want me to see them) and then he apologized and said he didn't mean what they said, that he was just angry. He was aware that I wanted to throw them away and said "fine". Just like he says he was just angry when he said called me a fu%^& bi*&* or hacked into my email account because I was 15 minutes late coming home from work. Or when he checks the router every night to see what web sites I went to. Its my fault, because I made him angry. Not his.


----------



## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Ametista said:


> He was aware that I wanted to throw them away and said "fine".


Oh, so you had his permission to read them and throw them away. Then it's all good. My apologies, that was not clear in your earlier posts, where it seemed like you went looking for them, found them, got angry and threw them away, without his knowledge. 

See I just went back and reread the post in question which indicates that you came across it, read it without his knowledge, and threw it away without discussing it first:



Ametista said:


> one time when we were about to separate I found his journal and read it I threw it in the trash and he said he wouldn't do it again... Of course years later I found another one, threw it away.


I guess it would have been more clear if you wrote "He gave me his journal to read, (or I saw it laying on a table), I then asked him about it and whether it would be ok to discard it, he said ok, and then I threw it away"

There seem to be trust issues on both sides which lead to him checking where you go on line and breaking into your email and you reading his journals and all that. Hopefully the therapy will get to the root of those trust issues and help you resolve them.


----------



## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I think journal writing is the least of your issues right now. It might actually be a healthy way for him to deal with his anger rather than taking it out on you directly.


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Ametista said:


> I think it some weird psychological coping mechanism that doesn't even make any sense.


Perhaps so, Ametista. Your H may be convinced that he is always "The Victim," as my exW was. Although she did not keep a written list, she kept a list in her head of every infraction I had done (real or imagined). The list went back 15 years. She would then bring out the entire list during every argument, no matter how minor the issue. The point, of course, was to continually validate her false self image of being "The Victim." Yet, if your H were to share her issues, you would be seeing a number of other traits too. I therefore ask whether you've seen strong occurrences of most of the following behaviors throughout your marriage:


1. Black-white thinking, wherein he categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;
4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents him from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude and a double standard;
5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you,;
6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;
7. Low self esteem;
8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;
9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in his expecting you to “be there” for him on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;
10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image he validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
11. Lack of impulse control, wherein he does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);
12. Complaining that all his previous GFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated him well;
13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
14. Relying on you to center and ground him, giving him a sense of direction because his goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
15. Relying on you to sooth him and calm him down, when he is stressed, because he has so little ability to do self soothing;
16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);
17. Taking on the personality of whatever person he is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
18. Always convinced that his intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that he regards his own feelings as self-evident facts, despite his inability to support them with any hard evidence.
If most of these traits have not occurred strongly throughout your marriage, please ignore the list. If they have, however, it would be helpful to know which ones are strongest.


----------



## Legends (Feb 22, 2013)

I actually do write things I feel down, it helps me to deal with it. On the good days I don't have anything to cope with because I am happy. However because I can't talk to my wife, and maybe he feels he can't talk to you due to yelling or whatever, I would go crazy holding it all in. My wife does some of the things you have mentioned your husband said. On one end it's a feeling of "why do I want to talk about it and relive the same drama I try to avoid every day" but it's also the "if I don't write this then I have no release" living the way I live if I have no release I will spazz out.


----------



## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

I gotta ask...why do you stay with him? Do you love him? What things do you love about him? What are your expectations of him at this point? Hes not going to stop writing...so....??


----------



## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

Legends said:


> I actually do write things I feel down, it helps me to deal with it. On the good days I don't have anything to cope with because I am happy. However because I can't talk to my wife, and maybe he feels he can't talk to you due to yelling or whatever, I would go crazy holding it all in. My wife does some of the things you have mentioned your husband said. On one end it's a feeling of "why do I want to talk about it and relive the same drama I try to avoid every day" but it's also the "if I don't write this then I have no release" living the way I live if I have no release I will spazz out.


:iagree:

I write sometimes, then go back and read what I wrote weeks later. And think why would I write that. 

But those were the emotions I was feeling at that moment(and meant to be kept private)

There is always two sides to every story. I suggest you try to step back and see your own; actions, words and attitudes and how your H may interpret them.


----------



## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

It doesn't sound like he really wanted you to read the journals. You mentioned several times that you found one read it and threw it away and later on you found another and read it and threw it away then he now keeps it in a secret file on his computer.

That means he doesn't want you to read it.

You don't seem to understand how you have violated his privacy.

I write things,, angry things in a journal and on my computer and it is private. That is how I vent about things which is much better than taking it out on people.

You sound really unhappy and angry in your marriage. What is that about?


----------



## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

I think you are dismissing something that is very real to him whether you agree with it or not this is his experience. He is not writing in his journal days or weeks later, you said it is at the time or shortly after disagreements. I dont think its weird. Its a healthy outlet. What is disturbing you is he only writes about the bad things not the good, so yes it is not a complete picture of you so you shouldnt view it as such. His statement that he does it so that he "knows he isnt crazy" shows his level of conflict and confusion about things. He is arrogant in therapy because he has actually logged it and so feels justified in what he is saying. You say he is creating an "alternate" reality but this is his reality. It is the way he experiences the negatives in your relationship. Thats not to say there are not positives too, obviously there are but thats not where the problems lie now is it? You have completely different views of what is happening between you. Dismissing eachothers perspectives as invalid will bring no progress. You need to start understanding eacothers point of view and come together in some sort of understanding.


----------



## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

@stella moon...Love your signature


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Was there any truth at all to what he was writing?

If not and you suspect him of libelous action against you, then you should be protecting yourself.

Do you have anger management issues at all? If so he is being diligent. And besides its his own personal space to write whatever he needs to write, if you never knew that he kept a journal where he put dark thoughts are you otherwise happy with your marriage? Do you both define your needs and have them met at all? If you have a good marriage, your relationship needs are being met, why try to change his behavior? There is nothing to stop you from writing your own journal, in fact you'd probably benefit from doing so, especially if you think someone else (your H) has the capability to color you in the wrong light, especially if you've been making accusations of abuse against him (and no, keeping a journal and putting whatever he wants in it is not abuse at all, especially if he has no intention of sharing it).


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I see RED FLAGS that have NOTHING to do with his journaling!

Blame-shifting: he wouldn't HAVE to write/say ugly things if YOU didn't MAKE HIM!

Controlling behavior: hacking your account because you're 15 minutes late! No doubt he suspected you of having an after-work "quickie" with a co-worker! Have there been infidelity issues AT ANY POINT in this relationship on the part of EITHER of you?


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I think its one thing to write ones feelings out. IMO, its better to write something down deal with those feelings then, then toss what was written. Unless the journal that is kept also has positive things in it as well. 

If he keeps a journal of all your not so good qualities, and all the things he finds wrong with you, then where is there any room for the good qualities? Does he feel you have any? If he often refers to this journal of not so good things, then that keeps him in that mind set. It prevents him from moving forward to find the good in you and your marriage.


Some of the things he has done like hacking your account, blame shifting etc, seems a little off to me. Its a need for control. I think you need to have a one on one with the therapist. There is two sides to every story and you cant tell your side if he is reading from his book of what is wrong with you.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I read your post twice to make sure I was understanding things correctly. My suggestion is to proceed with the divorce. 

Has he always been like this or felt this way about you? Or did you just recently find this out in therapy? What did the therapist say about it all? 

I agree with Jamison about you need to speak to the therapist by yourself. There really is no need to proceed with couples therapy either if this is something thats not workable, and I understand you wanted to try to save things, but I guess my question is, why? Do you feel some of what he has written about you is true? Or is he way off base?

One of the things in your post that bothered me was this below: 

"I asked him why on earth he would write such hateful things and he says "So I never forget and so I don't go crazy". It really made my skin crawl." 

So he would never forget what? He wants to be reminded of the hateful things he wrote? Umm yeah time to move along!


----------



## lover71 (Feb 23, 2013)

Maybe that is he´s way of dealing with his emotions. But it is never ok to physical abuse someone. There is a online test you can do on your partner that is really good lovetestnow.com You get loads of material about your relation it´s free

take care


----------



## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

Writing is an outlet. Writing does not have to be true to be an outlet. You have not made any attempt to understand it to the point he has to hide it from you. You threw away a creative outlet. We all have strange habits. I think, chewing nails, video games and fake tans and talking about sports teams are strange. I find writers equally strange or more so but lots of people do it and this very thread is the evidence. 

It appears he is using your therapy sessions as an extnesion of his fiction outlet.


----------



## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

It must hurt pretty bad to read someone's emotional thoughts and perceptions of you but really it is your fault that you are even aware of it. He is allowed to have his thoughts and feelings about you and anyone else. Shame on you for tossing out his privet things simply because you were upset/hurt by them. (I think you have an issue there)

I write all the time and there are stacks of note books in my bed room closet that don't exactly reflect my H in a good light all the time. But those are my thoughts and feelings and there is no trash can that can erase that. He is aware of them and respects that they are mine and leaves them be. I would not be surprised to hear he was temped and did read any of them but he would never toss out my things because he did not like them/what they said.

I suggest that you get into IC asap. I personally would be very upset with my H if he tossed out one of my note books because he did not like or agree with what it said. 

You need to accept responsibility for your poor choice and behavior as far as tossing his things in the trash. It was wrong and you should admit that and apologize to your H for disrespecting his property and throwing it out. Please stop trying to control what he thinks and feels. He has that right and you need to let him have it.

I am willing to bet that your side of the street in this marriage is not very clean. I am not saying his hurtful opinion/perceptions of things is fair but you are responsible for your actions and can not control his or his feelings that he writes out.


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Ok, so you read and threw out some pages of things he wrote? I would think thats human nature and a natural thing to feel hurt. I will not flame you for throwing those things out. I feel you did it without thinking possibly and because you were hurt. I'm assuming you did not throw out his whole journal? Anyway, thats not the real issue at hand here anyway. 

You stated this journal was full of things that you have done thats pissed him off, and made him feel a certain way. Well, there is nothing wrong with one having feelings and writing them out, however, if he is going to have a journal full of things you have done wrong or that has ticked him off, he needs to have another journal of things written down that you have done right and that you have done to make him feel happy. A good therapist will eventually suggest he do this too. If he simply can not find anything good to write about you, well that should be enough right there to end it. 

There is something about the way he acts, that reminds me of someone who was hurt at another point his in life, either by another relationship, or by a parent or something, and you are paying the price for how he feels. I will ask this, do you feel anything he has written down about you, is true? Even if it is, it needs to dealt with in a better way. Its fine he took the journal to the counselor to read, but, is it possible he could not take it next time and just talk about what he needs to from his own feelings. 

Hacking your emails and accusing you of things also shows his insecurity. I guess the question is, why such insecurity and need for control? Its something that needs to be addressed in therapy. You asked him why he wrote such hateful things, and he told you so he wouldn't forget and wouldn't go crazy? This is a little strange to me, and its something you need to address with the counselor as well. You need to tell the counselor what you asked him and what his response was. 

At some point you and the counselor should be able to tell if this is a man who truly wants to work on saving his marriage, or if he is just using the counselors time to portray you in a negative light by his readings from his journal. The real test will come if a counselor suggests your husband write down good qualities about you and try to focus on those things rather than the negative or angry things. If he can not do that or wont, well there ya go.


----------



## Ametista (Feb 7, 2013)

*Uptown:* No, the list does not sound like him, except for a few of the anger things. He can be very quick to anger. He does say he exes abused him (cheating). Actually, the flipping between adoring and devaluing me, that is what makes me feel so bad. A week of being adored and suddenly he is furious and writing in his journal, but never about all the great things that happen. That's why I said it felt like he used it to manipulate me.

*Legends:* Maybe that is why he writes.

*StellaMoon:* I don't know why. He has been my only ltr, I am kind of a solitary type and never really thought I would be with anybody. If we did split I doubt I would ever have the energy to be with anybody again because this has been too hard to repeat.

*mel123* I see your point, but I don't think he wanted these to be private or else the writing in front of me/dirty looks would not have been happening. 

*Tigger* What is my anger about? The inability to get along and a spouse who seems to only see the bad in me, to the point that I have trouble any more thinking that there could be anything good about myself. I never used to feel like this. I used to have a high self esteem and be happy and have hope for the future and lots of friends.

*inarut* I think you have a point here, that writing it down validates it, whether it is true or even happened. 

*Lon* When we fight we both get very angry. We have repeated the same fights a lot, and that gets old. I don't think he has ever written anything that could hurt me other than emotionally, that I know of. I do have some friends left and family who know me well enough to protect me if needed. But honestly, what would be his point? Divorce is just that, who cares why? It would just be over.

Besides, its not just the journals, thats one of the things I mentioned because its such bizarre behavior. It reminds me of parents who look at their child's near-perfect report card and say "Why did you get a B? Why wasn't that an A too?" just the focus on the negative, its very hurtful. 

*SlowlyGettingWiser* I don't think there has been infidelity, although he did mention something suspicious sounding in his journal. He may have intentionally written it to make me feel bad. He swears he has never cheated and I know that I haven't. I think he hacked into my computer because I had started a new job and it made him feel threatened somehow (new place, new friends, new men around, etc). He said he was sick with worry about me when he did it but I was furious. The problem with all those security questions is your spouse can answer most of them and hack in to your email. I hope all those Kohl's ads made him feel better:scratchhead:

*Jamison* _It prevents him from moving forward to find the good in you and your marriage_.Exactly, it keeps him in a very defensive position with a lot of memorized talking points about why he should stay angry and victimized!

*CallaLily* Yes he has always felt this way. He also had similar stuff about other girlfriends. No I don't feel its true, but every body here is helping me see that to him it is reality and therefore true. He doesn't seem capable of seeing my good qualities.

*lover71* OK I may look at that

*NoIssues* I don't think it is just an outlet, although I know it is good to write things down and get them off your chest.

*Kurosity* Do you write in front of your spouse after fights and give him taunting looks? Because if you DO, I assure you he has read your notebooks.

*trey69* Yes the whole journal/s were thrown out. THAT WAS THE WHOLE JOURNAL. There was nothing else in it.

His parents were alcoholics, and they were largely absent, and he was beaten and verbally abused. Not just "have a few beers" alcoholic, as in "going out to the bar every night and coming home wasted" alcoholic. Both parents died young because of it. And he INSISTS this had NO AFFECT on him. In fact he always focuses on my family (Did your mother want to stay at home or did your dad force her to?) That type of stuff. He wants so badly to find a flaw in my upbringing, its absurd. We were a boring family and my dad had a boring job and my mom stayed at home. No alcohol, no beatings, the worst of it was not having much money but there was no abuse other than fighting with my sibling.

So basically, he will not admit that his family might have given him some issues and he feels I am unfair for suggesting that it might have. He is a very convincing person.


----------



## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

Ametista said:


> His parents were alcoholics, and they were largely absent, and he was beaten and verbally abused. Not just "have a few beers" alcoholic, as in "going out to the bar every night and coming home wasted" alcoholic. Both parents died young because of it. And he INSISTS this had NO AFFECT on him. In fact he always focuses on my family (Did your mother want to stay at home or did your dad force her to?) That type of stuff. He wants so badly to find a flaw in my upbringing, its absurd. We were a boring family and my dad had a boring job and my mom stayed at home. No alcohol, no beatings, the worst of it was not having much money but there was no abuse other than fighting with my sibling.
> 
> So basically, he will not admit that his family might have given him some issues and he feels I am unfair for suggesting that it might have. He is a very convincing person.


So what. Quit talking about it then. It accomplishses nothing and you proved it. What is it that you want from him? To cry uncle? To say you are right? 

Why not do something useful to patch together a decent marriage. If you dont like him any more then this misery is hardly worth the effort no?


----------



## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Mr Used To Know said:


> So what. Quit talking about it then. It accomplishses nothing and you proved it. What is it that you want from him? To cry uncle? To say you are right?
> 
> Why not do something useful to patch together a decent marriage. If you dont like him any more then this misery is hardly worth the effort no?


She's asking for help?

You can help, or not.

C'mon. This agression is misplaced. Not talking about it doesn't accomplish anything either.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

I can understand the journal writing. It might be creepy, but to him it might be therapeutic. 

However, it's *insane * for him to lie or exaggerate things to your marriage counselor. How can this counselor fix anything if he/she isn't getting the true story? 

It shows he is looking at it like a competition, instead of a genuine desire to fix problems. Too many people imagine that going to a marriage counselor is like going on "Judge Judy" where the counselor is there to reward one side and punish the other. He might not realize that there are no prizes or benefits for "winning" at the MC.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

That whole OP creeped me out honestly. I understand journaling, I really do. BUT, when all he does is focus on the negative things, he is not leaving himself any room for looking at the positive things. He isnt leaving any room with himself to LOVE you! His behavior at therapy..? Crazy! That would be a final straw for me, personally.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

If I stumbled upon a journal of my husband that was only of negative things of that sort I'd be extremely hurt, especially since its so excessive.

I'm not sure I'd continue the marriage. I would seriously consider divorce at that point.


----------



## Ametista (Feb 7, 2013)

Theseus said:


> I can understand the journal writing. It might be creepy, but to him it might be therapeutic.
> 
> However, it's *insane * for him to lie or exaggerate things to your marriage counselor. How can this counselor fix anything if he/she isn't getting the true story?
> 
> It shows he is looking at it like a competition, instead of a genuine desire to fix problems. Too many people imagine that going to a marriage counselor is like going on "Judge Judy" where the counselor is there to reward one side and punish the other. He might not realize that there are no prizes or benefits for "winning" at the MC.


That is EXACTLY what it reminded me of! He was trying to win the competition with the MC! Whoever came out looking best got the prize LOL. I cancelled this weeks appointment, there was no point after that. 

I think I am going to look into books. Any suggestions? I have Fight for your marriage, I guess I should read that one again. It has been a few years since I did.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Ametista said:


> That is EXACTLY what it reminded me of! He was trying to win the competition with the MC! Whoever came out looking best got the prize LOL. I cancelled this weeks appointment, there was no point after that.
> 
> I think I am going to look into books. Any suggestions? I have Fight for your marriage, I guess I should read that one again. It has been a few years since I did.


You still should seek IC for yourself too though. You are not in a good situation and you need some guidance.


----------



## outNabout (Mar 2, 2013)

Ametista
Your post has an eerie familiar sound to it. It sounds like there's reasons to keep seeing the marriage councillor. 

He may make many mistakes, and be difficult. Certainly don't remain in an abusive or unsafe relationship. However.....

It's a red flag to me, your comment that you see no point going just because he has participated in expressing his feelings that you disagree with. 

It's amazing to me how you just gloss over the part in your first post where you violated his right to privacy, and his need to work through his feelings and thoughts in his journal. And the how you try to justify it as though you've done nothing wrong, and then throw it out? That's pretty controling on your part... even if he is wrong in being controlling, it doesn't justify you making wrong choices. 

For what it's worth, have you considered if you've contributed in any way to the failing relationship? Or do you justify each mistake you make and blame him? It's only natural that each person in the relationship is human and makes mistakes. 

If he feels the way he does, have you been able to acknowledge any of his experiences as being valid at all? It sounds like you disagree with his experience of the relationship. Do you invalidate his thoughts and feelings frequently? His feelings of being 'driven crazy' by living with you do have some meaning and are valid to some degree... even if at the very most it's how he feels. He is a human and has feelings too. He is 50% of the relationship, but are you giving him that much credit?

Where you say he's exaggerating / lying to the marriage councillor... are you saying what he's saying is truely 100% false in all cases at all times? Or is it possible that there is perhaps something to what he's saying that is possibly valid to a degree? 

If you are unable to able to admit your own mistakes /errors... it would be unfair to expect that of him.

I know what you mean about the Judge Judy competition with the marriage councillor. It happens and is part of the process. You might have to work through these issues bit by bit! Are you willing to?


----------



## speeedbump (Mar 12, 2013)

While reading through this thread I cannot believe so many people are dismissing the strange, rude and unloving actions of the husband and are blaming the OP. Yes, she read his journal and that maybe wasn't the best thing she could have done, but if my spouse went off and started writing/typing about me every time she perceived a slight, I'd start getting annoyed/curious as well. There's no way I would want to stay married to someone who treated me like this.

Frankly, I'm amazed you've put up with it as long as you have. I agree that this is wired and creepy behavior. I know it's not an easy decision, but I suggest you get out sooner rather than later.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You're missing the part where she said he wanted her to read them, and knew she had. No privacy was violated in my book.


----------

