# emotional affair advice



## ninjatastic (Jun 2, 2012)

About a month ago a close family member of my wife confessed to my wife that she had an affair. This caused my wife to start talking to me about a guy she has worked with for several years that has been flirting with her. She said that he had been making nice comments and that she liked how it made her feel. She also said that he was good looking. She didn't go into much more detail but I became a little suspicious that there was more than what she led me to believe. She said that she told him to keep the conversations work related however he is having a struggling marriage and talked to my wife about it sometimes. She said that after telling him to keep it work related that he started being flirty with the girl who sits next to her. My wife said that it made her want to quit. I thought it was out of disgust for the infidelity the married man was showing however I feel it was more out of jealousy that my wife was experiencing. This was about a month ago. 

Around a week ago I confronted my wife and asked if anything else was going on. She said that she had stopped talking to him but he continued to ask her what she was mad about and why she wouldnt talk. She told him that she thought he was having an affair with the other woman and he denied any involvement with her. They continued to talk on the phone and both admitted that they had feelings for each other. My wife told him that she was married and could not act on it. He said that he would cheat on his wife with my wife but she would have to make the first move. The phone records showed that it was a 23 minute conversation so I imagine it was a little more in depth than this. She has answered every question I have asked. I asked her if she still had feelings for him and she said "yes". I told her that she needed to confront him at work and end the relationship/friendship. She said that she spoke to him and said nothing was going to happen and everything needed to stop. She said that he accepted this and even offered a suggestion to help limit their contact. She did not end the friendship though. She said since she works with him it would just be awkward.

The fact that she developed feelings for him has crushed my world. I know that I worked alot and didn't fulfill my role as a husband but I'm having such a difficult time with this. She wants to keep her job and wants to remian friends with this turd. Everyone has told her to get out of the situation. A few days later she said that it is over and doesn't seem as appealing anymore. I just can't get past her still being around him. I've been flip flopping on her keeping her job. She has been stubborn about it. Its a good job, she has been there 8 years, and if she leaves I know she will be unhappy. I love my wife and hate to see her unhappy.

Can anyone give me any advice. I'm hurting and struggling so much with this. If she keeps this job will I ever heal and trust her again knowing that she still works with this guy and has contact on a daily basis. Am I being selfish asking her to leave her job? If she does leave her job will it make things better?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Call and inform the wife immediately. Ask your wife to choose him or you. Tell her that you cannot be in a marriage that has 3 people in it. 


Make you get the entire truth about their affair. You may have to snoop to know the complete extent of the affair to make a proper decision. Install a key logger on the home computer. Office affairs are very convenient and can escalate quickly. If it was a physical affair, you would need to get tested for STDs.

How was your sex life during this time?

She will have to start looking for jobs at other places. She broke your trust and changing the job is a consequence. If she cannot/won't do that the affair will most probably resume and if it won't, it will not help the marriage

Marriage counseling.


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## ninjatastic (Jun 2, 2012)

I have told her that she needs to chose between two married men. She said that she chooses me no contest. As for what went on I feel like she has been honest. I'm in the criminal justice field and the first few conversations went more like an interrogation and I am comfortable with her truthfulness. I'm confident that it came out before anything physical happened. The only deceptiveness I have seen was the morning after she told me I asked her to call in sick to work and stay home which she did. I then left and went to work. The next morning I checked the phone records and saw that he sent her a text, she replied, then he sent another shortly after I went to work. I checked her phone and they had been deleted. I confronted her and she said that his said "you alive?" since she called in sick. She said that her reply was "yes" and his reply was "ok". I have no way to look at the texts but I bluffed her and said that I could. She remained adamant thats all they said. This conversation took place while she was getting ready for work on the day that she told him everything was over.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She has fallen into an infatuation with him. He's in her head now. This is bad. 

Watch her like a hawk. Install a keylogger on the computer she uses to see if she is e-mailing him. Plant a VAR under the seat of her car. If she is calling him, she is doing it while she is driving.

If you are in criminal justice, see if you can get a friend who runs criminal checks to run an NCIC on him. See if you can dig up dirt on this guy.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> I'm in the criminal justice field and the first few conversations went more like an interrogation and I am comfortable with her truthfulness.


I won't bother you with this again but she is your wife, so she knows you. Don't let your profession blindside you. Every poster that was cheated upon and posted in this forum considered themselves and their spouse a special case. It often isn't. So, don't be naive. After the first time, the lying and deception become easier.


What kind of phone does she have? You can recover texts if it is a smartphone. Smart phones have in application chat programs that don't show texts on your account. They can chat over the internet. You should try to recover the texts somehow(the older texts too)


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Inform the guys wife on what he did. It should kill the affair pretty fast..Have you confronted the guy? Threaten to expose the guy to HR. If you wife sides with what she told you, they will have a potentila sexual harassment case at hand and he will be a liability.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

ninjatastic said:


> They continued to talk on the phone and both admitted that they had feelings for each other. My wife told him that she was married and could not act on it. He said that he would cheat on his wife with my wife but she would have to make the first move.


 Your wife should not stay at that job or maintain a friendship with another man (OM) now that she has expressed her feelings to him, and now that he has told her that he is open to sleeping with her if she makes the first move. I find it interesting that your wife was thinking about quitting her job and was willing to be unfriendly with the OM when she though that the OM was cheating with another coworker, but does not want to give up the job or the friendship with the OM for you (and her marriage) now that the OM has assured her that he has not been cheating. Her loyalties are out of alignment. Her relationship with the OM is way over the line. 

You must put your foot down now and take whatever anger goes your way over this. If it continues you may not be able to stop it later and you would rue the day that you did not take action when you still could. The downside of taking action now pales by comparison of what could happen if you let it continue. And remember it is not your fault that she needs to change jobs and end the friendship. It is 100% on her. Do not let her try to make you feel otherwise. She is in an EA fog that has made her lose her moral compass. Do not let her be your guide as to what is the right thing to do.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Finally, install a keylogger on your home computer if you own it. Again, you marriage will be at risk if she stays at the job. That is her consequence for betraying the marriage. Give her a time limit to change jobs of her choosing. You cannot have her work at the same place as the OM. Either he quits or she quits. This is go bad unless you react fast.

Also continuing the friendship should be a deal breaker. Continuing a friendship with the guy who proposed to cheat on you is highly disrespectful. Tell her that she has more problems in her life like the marriage ending than to worry that things might get awkward at work. Actually that statement is pissing me off. You need to establish strong boundaries here. Ask her if she would like it if you remained friends with a woman who proposed to cheat with you.

Find a good marriage counselor. Your marriage is in deep sh!t


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## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

Ninjatastic I'm in your world right now. Maybe a couple of weeks ahead. No contact is a must get her to leave her job. I had big rows about no contact but hang on in there. Whatever happens to you or me I wish you well - stay strong. 

If your like me your thinking why bother - I'm trying for the kids.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

You need to get a copy of the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

Infatuation is a powerful emotion, it is no joke. It only takes two or three weeks for someone to feel this way.

Confiding in someone about the troubles in your marriage is probably the #1 way that people fall into infatuation with someone outside the marriage. The two people play the role of "rescuer" for each other and they are off to the races.

Do not think your marriage is different or that your wife is special. Cheaters learn to lie to themselves first about the nature of their relationship and then start to hide things from their spouse. Eventually they learn to lie better and better. It is the nature of the beast.

Infatuation and emotional affairs are very powerful. Many married people haven't felt this way for quite some time and they will do all they can to protect their fantasy. Learn from the mistakes of others, do not think you are superior and that none of these incredible efforts to hide their 'precious' don't apply to you.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I have recently been through a similar situation. Happily married for 18 years. H started a 'freindship' with a co worker and within 3 weeks he was in love with her and my marriage was in pieces!
EAs are powerfully things. They are brainwashing. Listen to the people here. They know what they are talking about! I didn't listen, I didn't expose, the EA went underground, my H moved out and the EA turned PA. the OWHs exposed the A and within 3 weeks it was over. My H finished it and now we are R .

She must stop working there
You must expose to OMW!
Trust but verify
And remember your W is probably still deep in her A fog, 
Read up on the stickies
Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

sbm1977 said:


> Ninjatastic I'm in your world right now. Maybe a couple of weeks ahead. No contact is a must get her to leave her job. I had big rows about no contact but hang on in there. Whatever happens to you or me I wish you well - stay strong.
> 
> If your like me your thinking why bother - I'm trying for the kids.


But you should be trying for you and your wife, so should she. Your kids will be grown and gone one day and what will you do then? Happy parents, happy kids, it's not the other way around.
Don't mean to sound harsh, that's not my intention.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

Daisy girl understood.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ninjatastic said:


> I love my wife and hate to see her unhappy.


OK, I can understand that.

What you need to establish is if your wife feels the same way about you. Does SHE love YOU and does she hate to see you unhappy?

Or does she think: "Oh, that's my husband. He'll just get over it"?

You wife was carrying a heavy burden of guilt but she's OK now, as she has found someone else to carry it for her! Oh. That'd be you, then! 

You need MC, I think.


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## forlorn99 (May 20, 2012)

I can tell you what I had to do. You have two choices you do not have to make the decision now but it will all come down to this one decision. 

You can get a divorce (I think that just immediately making this decision is a poor one) I think that its a poor one because it closes the other door immediately

You can choose to try and reconcile, you can still change your mind at any time and opt for the other answer. If you love your wife and want to try and stay together you need to tell her what you expect from her. If she is not willing to do the things that you need then go to counseling a couple of times and ask again. If she is still not willing to meet the demands that you need in order to get through it then start thinking more about the divorce side.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

From your point of view, it's a horrible way to live.

You know he wants her.

You know she "had feelings" for him.

You know they see each other every day, apparently all day.

Temptation for both of them will be there constantly.

You get to constantly wonder about whether something funny is going on behind your back until one of them leaves that job - which doesn't sound like it will be anytime soon, if ever.

How do you live like that? Come home after work every day, and ask, "Did other man try to hit on you today?" Or wonder it, and keep it to yourself, every day?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

forlorn99 said:


> You can choose to try and reconcile, you can still change your mind at any time and opt for the other answer. If you love your wife and want to try and stay together you need to tell her what you expect from her. If she is not willing to do the things that you need then go to counseling a couple of times and ask again. If she is still not willing to meet the demands that you need in order to get through it then start thinking more about the divorce side.


Speaking of what to expect from her, I forgot to mention another book in addition to Not Just Friends, which is Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend.

If you opt for marriage counseling, make sure you choose one who is educated about infidelity. We wasted 6+ mos while my husband was still secretly in contact with his emotional affair partner with a supposedly well-respected MC. Waste of money! You can't fix a marriage with 3 people in it, and you can't be sure that 3 people aren't in it as long as two EA partners have contact. 

That's the hard truth that's tough to swallow.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You will do what you do, it is your life after all----

2 things to do in re: her potential lover---contact his wife, tell her what kind of crap he is pulling with other women, go to HR, where your wife works, and tell them, he is hitting on multiple women, at work, and trying to break up their mge,s---they will deal with this cuz, what he is doing will mess up the work environment---and could cause them to lose good employees, such as what you are being forced to suggest to your wife, and possibly be involved in law suits if THEY do nothing.

As to you and your wife----She has already told him she likes him at some level, now he is like an unleashed dog---and he IS gonna keep on trying---he knows what he wants

Your wife is not protective of her mge/family, in that she will not agree to NC, which requires her to find another job-----offer her a one time solution to that, and put a tight time limit on it

She herself goes to H R, at work, and complains of sexual harassment----if they do not act on it, quickly, then she must leave---This is a middle of the road solution, that she should have no trouble with---if she refuses, then your mge., has a major problem

You need to find out where your wife's head is, and you better not wait very long----happily married wife's/mothers may feel an urge in re: other men---anyone who is normal, has urges---BUT THEY DO NOT ACT ON THEM---your wife has told this guy she likes him, and set him loose, he WILL PURSUE, till she weakens and he gets what he wants, cuz she refuses NC.

To protect your family/mge---you better start putting your foot down and HARD-----she needs to know from this day forward, there will be actionable consequences to her acting on her "like" for him

Lastly you MUST deal with your wife, in that she is telling other men, that she likes them---that can help NOTHING, it has/is tearing you apart, and either she doesn't care or understand, and that ain't good for this mge. either----SOMETHING DOES HAVE TO BE DONE, YESTERDAY


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Look at the history you laid out and see how slowly, despite your wife saying she is enforcing boudaries with him, he pushes and pushes and moves those boundaries.

Right now you wife has negotiated a situation in which a man with whom she has stated she has feelings for is allow to maintain and even embracing having a ongoing relationship with. This is a man who has openly offered to have sex with her, and she didn't say she didn't want to. She said she's married.

In essence, your wife has another male that is openly competing for her affections - emotional and physical - with you her husband. And instead of walking away from him and rejecting him, she has chosen to actually keep him close and allow him to continue to try and convince her to cheat.

He's already getting her to emotionally cheat: To see him as a viable alternate choice to her husband. He's in the fold, now he only has to get in deeper with her.

And he now has daily unrestricted access both in the office and out of the office to work on her and woo her.

AND you know she actually has desire to physically be with him. You're wife has shown, that if it weren't for being married, she would be in his bed.

And she wants you to accept this, and "trust" her.

Bad bad plan on her part and yours.

You need to end this friendship of hers completely with him. Both out of respect for your marriage, and for you. She is allowing a man to pursue and woo her. 

ALL contact with him must end, and if that means changing jobs, then she needs to do that.

She doesn't want to, and has lots of reasons why she shouldn't because: 1) She doesn't want to admit how far she cross boundaries already 2) She doesn't want to loose him. She wants him to pursue her. 

You need to expose the OMW. It's critical to getting him to back off her.

You also need to get her to choose: You or him, and show it with real action, not the meaningless stuff she's given you so far.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You're wife needs to be told that it's not OK for a married woman to have a emotional BF. There are many boundaries and types of infidelity other than physical infidelity.

She has already betrayed you emotionally by first developing feelings for the OM, and second by choosing to continue a relationship with a man with whom she has those feelings.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

YOU MUST INFORM THE OM'S WIFE IMMEDIATELY.

By not doing this you are sending a clear message to him that you do not mind him asking your wife to have an affair with him. Your wife needs to look for another job if possible. It is clear that she is jealous when he flirts with another woman. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would be so accepting as you have been?

I am sorry to say that she is disrespecting you and your marriage. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You might think informing the OMW is escalating things, but this is a man who has openly propositioned your wife. He has told her will sleep with her, but she must be the one to come to him.

And she didn't knock him to the floor. She deflected and blamed the fact that she is married as why she couldn't. That's not a rejection, that's an excuse.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

ninjatastic said:


> I asked her if she still had feelings for him and she said "yes".
> 
> She wants to keep her job and wants to remian friends with this turd.


ninja please read this part and think about it. It translates into, she wants you to stay as a husband at home to her while she bangs another man at work.

Ask her if the work or marriage is more important to her. If she says work show her the door, if she says marriage tell to quit right now if not show her the door again.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

From JNJ: _go to HR, where your wife works, and tell them, he is hitting on multiple women, at work, and trying to break up their mge,s---they will deal with this cuz, what he is doing will mess up the work environment---and could cause them to lose good employees, such as what you are being forced to suggest to your wife, and *possibly be involved in law suits if THEY do nothing*._

This is some leverage to get the other man to leave the job instead of your wife having to leave. Most companies have an extreme, almost irrational fear of lawsuits, even unfounded ones, and will take decisive actions to correct situations potentially giving rise to them.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I'm normally all for exposure, however, in this case, it's still a little premature - because in this instance, all ninjatastic has at this point, is his WWs word that OM is pursuing her. For OM, everything's deniable right now since there's no real evidence, and with the OM denying it, the OMW isn't going to believe a word. 

And get this..for all we know, it could be ninjatastic's WW pursuing the OM. This has happened before with others, including myself. My WW tried to make out it was the OM pursuing her, when in fact, I found it was the other way around. We all know how the WS will often try to paint their own self in a good light to their BS. 

So get the proof first if you plan to expose.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Mayhem----excellent point---and if that is the case---then OP, has a lot more to worry about, cuz it would then turn the other way, with his wife actively looking to cheat.

So now the real question becomes---How much CAN you trust your wife---Is she truthful---You have lived with her in this mge., are you able to tell when she is lying------all people have ways about them that show up when they lie---do you know your wife well enuff to look at her and know when she is lying?????


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

ninjatastic said:


> About a month ago a close family member of my wife confessed to my wife that she had an affair. *This caused my wife to start talking to me about a guy she has worked with for several years that has been flirting with her*.


How are you sure about this?



ninjatastic said:


> She said that he had been making nice comments and that she liked how it made her feel. She also said that he was good looking. She didn't go into much more detail but I became a little suspicious that there was more than what she led me to believe. She said that she told him to keep the conversations work related however he is having a struggling marriage and talked to my wife about it sometimes. She said that after telling him to keep it work related that he started being flirty with the girl who sits next to her. My wife said that it made her want to quit. I thought it was out of disgust for the infidelity the married man was showing however I feel it was more out of jealousy that my wife was experiencing. This was about a month ago.





ninjatastic said:


> Around a week ago I confronted my wife and asked if anything else was going on. She said that she had stopped talking to him but he continued to ask her what she was mad about and why she wouldnt talk. She told him that she thought he was having an affair with the other woman and he denied any involvement with her. They continued to talk on the phone and both admitted that they had feelings for each other.


Feelings for each other is a marriage killer.



ninjatastic said:


> My wife told him that she was married and could not act on it. He said that he would cheat on his wife with my wife but she would have to make the first move. The phone records showed that it was a 23 minute conversation so I imagine it was a little more in depth than this. She has answered every question I have asked. I asked her if she still had feelings for him and she said "yes". I told her that she needed to confront him at work and end the relationship/friendship. She said that she spoke to him and said nothing was going to happen and everything needed to stop. She said that he accepted this and even offered a suggestion to help limit their contact. She did not end the friendship though. She said since she works with him it would just be awkward.






ninjatastic said:


> The fact that she developed feelings for him has crushed my world. I know that I worked alot and didn't fulfill my role as a husband but I'm having such a difficult time with this.


Dont take blame, so easily. Have you objectively evaluated your own conclusions?





ninjatastic said:


> She wants to keep her job and wants to remian friends with this turd.


Danger.



ninjatastic said:


> Everyone has told her to get out of the situation. A few days later she said that it is over and doesn't seem as appealing anymore. I just can't get past her still being around him. I've been flip flopping on her keeping her job. She has been stubborn about it. Its a good job, she has been there 8 years, and if she leaves I know she will be unhappy. I love my wife and hate to see her unhappy.


No contact is a condition here.



ninjatastic said:


> Can anyone give me any advice. I'm hurting and struggling so much with this. If she keeps this job will I ever heal and trust her again knowing that she still works with this guy and has contact on a daily basis. Am I being selfish asking her to leave her job? If she does leave her job will it make things better?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Ninja---You got 2 things to deal with---1st----your wife decided that you, her vows and kids, are not that big a deal, so she went outside her mge, and told another man she likes him, which immediately brought a response from him to her---"I want you to spread your legs for me"----In all reality---she knows this guy from work only----SHE DOES NOT KNOW ONE THING ABOUT HIS PRIVATE LIFE---HE COULD BE ANY SORT OF SCUM----and he is scum, for wanting to destroy his own wife---

--he hits on other women, so he has no scruples, and your wondrous wife---opened the whole can of worms up, by saying to him, I like you--

---so you know, he is gonna keep trying till he gets what he wants----BE ASSURED --HE WON'T GO AWAY---unless MADE to do so----you have a ton of advice on what/when to do---and BELIEVE ME when I tell you, you need to move on that advice----he is with her everyday---and no matter what you wanna believe, or she tells you---there is a spark there, and it could ignite just like that----if they go physical---what you are feeling now---magnify by a million.

2nd---- I f you do wish to stay in this mge---you need to find out why you have a wife, who tells other men, she likes them---Happy, satisfied, Married wife's and mothers do not invite that kind of destruction to reign down on their families

She is way more than, "in like" I fear, as she is jealous of him showing attention to other women----I don't know what your mge., is actually like, but if for no other reason than your kids, and if, as I said above, you wanna try R---then you must find out why your wife is INVITING, another man into her/your/your kids lives.

She told him I like you----those were the words she told you---the real question is WHAT DID SHE ACTUALLY SAY TO HIM

I fear you have a bigger problem on your hands, than is showing up on the surface---and if you do not want a major storm to hit your life, and your kids lives---you MUST DEAL WITH IT, and deal with it in a manner, that leaves your wife knowing full well, there will be ACTIONABLE CONSEQUENCES---should she violate her vows/desocrate the mge/destroy the family----Ninja---like it or not---this is deadly serious business, and you better treat it as such!!!!!!!


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

bryanp said:


> YOU MUST INFORM THE OM'S WIFE IMMEDIATELY.


Perhaps this may not help, as OP has already said that "... he is having a struggling marriage and talked to my wife about it sometimes." (Although that can be a lie just to get sympathy from other women)


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

Does the OM know that you are in criminal justice field? Probably not - or he would have thought twice before contacting her so often.


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## ninjatastic (Jun 2, 2012)

Thanks for all of the advice on this everyone. We went and met with our pastor and obtained some good advice. She finally agreed to leave her job at the end of summer and return to school and get a nursing degree. She re-applied to college and I went with her to meet with the advisor. I have no doubt that she was serious about it however now she is pregnant and we both agreed that it is not the best time to return to a one income family. And yes I am comfortable that the baby is mine....we had that discussion and it never became physical before. The new plan is for her to keep the job until the baby is born then leave shortly thereafter. I installed a keylogger and have been checking her email and up until yesterday have seen nothing in appropriate. One thing she had told me from before is that they sometimes referred to each other as "dear" and "honey" in emails. Yesterday I looked at her email and saw that he had sent her one requesting a sales quote and ended it with "thanks dear". I did not see a reply that she had sent and have no evidence that she is doing anything inappropriate but it still bothered me. It's a reminder that he is still trying to get his foot in the door. I want to bring it up but she has no idea that I can read her emails and if I do bring it up then that small window of seeing if anything is going on will be closed. I have no other way to verify. I want to believe what she tells me but I know it isnt outside of the realm of possibilities that I can be decieved. 

I asked her a few questions last night and I could tell that she is tired of me asking **** since I've been doing it for the last 3 months. One thing I asked was why she never brings up their work place interaction. She said that there isn't ever anything to talk about. The contact is somewhat limited. She said that sometimes he will start to make a comment, then stop, and say I can't say stuff to you like that. I want to talk to her about this stuff but she seems to just shut down out of mental exhaustion from my barrages of questions over the past months. I can't decide if I'm being over paranoid and making things worse or if these are things I still need to be asking. If nothing is going on then I keep thinking that my insecurities will eventually drive her away.




Will_Kane said:


> From your point of view, it's a horrible way to live.
> 
> You know he wants her.
> 
> ...


^ This! It's pretty tough to live like that and although I don't ask everyday I still ask questions. It's being between a rock and a hardplace. With our financial situation her leaving right now isn't much of an option. I know that she either is going to cheat or isn't. If she does then it's over. I wasn't giving it my best before but I am now and if that isn't good enough then I don't want anything to do with her. Time will tell.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She already is cheating emotionally, and with everything she will be going through being pregnant her having continue to interact with him is not going to end well.

I again suggest you contact his wife and let her know, you should also talk to hr about hs behavior.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Talk to HR or get in this guys face and tell him to knock it odd.

Also tell him if he "Dears" or "Honeys" your wife one more time you will go to HR and have him reported for sexual harassment.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

ninjatastic said:


> Thanks for all of the advice on this everyone. We went and met with our pastor and obtained some good advice. She finally agreed to leave her job at the end of summer and return to school and get a nursing degree. She re-applied to college and I went with her to meet with the advisor. I have no doubt that she was serious about it however now she is pregnant and we both agreed that it is not the best time to return to a one income family. And yes I am comfortable that the baby is mine....we had that discussion and it never became physical before. The new plan is for her to keep the job until the baby is born then leave shortly thereafter. I installed a keylogger and have been checking her email and up until yesterday have seen nothing in appropriate. One thing she had told me from before is that they sometimes referred to each other as "dear" and "honey" in emails. Yesterday I looked at her email and saw that he had sent her one requesting a sales quote and ended it with "thanks dear". I did not see a reply that she had sent and have no evidence that she is doing anything inappropriate but it still bothered me. It's a reminder that he is still trying to get his foot in the door. I want to bring it up but she has no idea that I can read her emails and if I do bring it up then that small window of seeing if anything is going on will be closed. I have no other way to verify. I want to believe what she tells me but I know it isnt outside of the realm of possibilities that I can be decieved.
> 
> I asked her a few questions last night and I could tell that she is tired of me asking **** since I've been doing it for the last 3 months. One thing I asked was why she never brings up their work place interaction. She said that there isn't ever anything to talk about. The contact is somewhat limited. She said that sometimes he will start to make a comment, then stop, and say I can't say stuff to you like that. I want to talk to her about this stuff but she seems to just shut down out of mental exhaustion from my barrages of questions over the past months. I can't decide if I'm being over paranoid and making things worse or if these are things I still need to be asking. If nothing is going on then I keep thinking that my insecurities will eventually drive her away.
> 
> ^ This! It's pretty tough to live like that and although I don't ask everyday I still ask questions. It's being between a rock and a hardplace. With our financial situation her leaving right now isn't much of an option. I know that she either is going to cheat or isn't. If she does then it's over. I wasn't giving it my best before but I am now and if that isn't good enough then I don't want anything to do with her. Time will tell.


No you are not paranoid.

I'll say this - this is far from over.

You can help that tho by today, this morning, making 100% his wife knows everything

I'd be interested to see your wife's reaction to that as a marker

And only me but I'd make her leave work today forgo the money for a few months and see how that leaves her mentally.

It could only take about two days to implement both of these things but you'd know a hell of a lot more about your true position if you did both these things instantly

I'm sorry but I fancy the **** has only just started hitting your fan


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Did you ever call the guys wife ?? You was advised to do this, and have him trying to cover his ass instead of bothering your wife. So either take the advice or drink the kool aid.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

:iagree:
:iagree:
:iagree:








warlock07 said:


> Call and inform the wife immediately. Ask your wife to choose him or you. Tell her that you cannot be in a marriage that has 3 people in it.
> 
> 
> Make you get the entire truth about their affair. You may have to snoop to know the complete extent of the affair to make a proper decision. Install a key logger on the home computer. Office affairs are very convenient and can escalate quickly. If it was a physical affair, you would need to get tested for STDs.
> ...


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Will_Kane said:


> From your point of view, it's a horrible way to live.
> 
> You know he wants her.
> 
> ...


Copy this off so your wife doesn't know where you got it. Add to it that there is no way you can be 100% sure the baby she is carrying is yours. (Unfortunately this is true, unless you have info you haven't shared).

After you have contacted his wife, go over this list with your wife and tell her your marriage is falling apart and she needs to quit her job. Your wavering is going to be the end of your relationship. This isn't about her feelings but about what they have done to their spouses.

The reason she did this in the first place is a lack of respect for you. Read Married Man Sex Life Primer for the cause of this and the fix. Also, No More Mister Nice Guy. Do NOT hesitate on this reading.

Good luck.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

In case you think because she is pregnant that she will be focus on that, think again. There are plenty of wives who cheat while pregnant. In fact a lot of women get extremely horny in addition to more emotional during pregnancy.

You need to act. You were on a great path, and then it all fell apart.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> In case you think because she is pregnant that she will be focus on that, think again. There are plenty of wives who cheat while pregnant. In fact a lot of women get extremely horny in addition to more emotional during pregnancy.
> 
> You need to act. You were on a great path, and then it all fell apart.


Very true shaggy. My wife has never been aggressive or initiated sex in 26 years except during her three pregnancies.

She was an animal then, very aggressive and very horny. Like a different person.

So be careful ninjatastic. Keep your eyes open.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

ninjatastic said:


> I asked her a few questions last night and I could tell that she is tired of me asking **** since I've been doing it for the last 3 months. I want to talk to her about this stuff but she seems to just shut down out of mental exhaustion from my barrages of questions over the past months..


She was the one who broke your trust and now she has to endure and tolerate your exhasting questions. 
She needs to go by your rules and timeline. 

Let her know that she's not the one to decide when your questions are over. You are the one who know how and when to ask.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

ninjatastic said:


> I know that I worked alot and didn't fulfill my role as a husband but I'm having such a difficult time with this.


Since when is working a lot to provide the needs and wants of a wife and family considered not fulfilling a role as a husband? Do not blame yourself and do not let this affect your attitude towards this EA. Cease and desist contact with this toxic co worker and expose to his wife and ask your wife for transparency because she owes it to you after admitting a crush on a co worker having marital problems?


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> In case you think because she is pregnant that she will be focus on that, think again. There are plenty of wives who cheat while pregnant. In fact a lot of women get extremely horny in addition to more emotional during pregnancy.
> 
> You need to act. You were on a great path, and then it all fell apart.


When they are pregnant, they can't get pregnant again. Good way to go undetected without any stress about getting "pregnant". I would hate to see him get a paternity test later in life and find out it is not his, seen it, read it (its even recent here on TAM)


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

happyman64 said:


> Very true shaggy. My wife has never been aggressive or initiated sex in 26 years except during her three pregnancies.
> 
> She was an animal then, very aggressive and very horny. Like a different person.


:iagree:

Mine was the same way. I was like: Now you want sex so much?


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Mine was the same way. I was like: Now you want sex so much?


That would bother me, reminds me of the thread a man once wrote about how he was withheld all this sex during his early years and later on she's wanting it non stop and feels a little ripped off. Sorry for the tangent.


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