# Wife cheated but is giving me a chance to be a better man. I need help to become that person.



## kenneth414 (Apr 9, 2020)

I wish I had found this forum under better circumstances but I hope I can get some help with repairing my marriage. My wife had an affair last year with a deacon from our church. The affair was uncovered by his wife because she caught my wife giving him oral sex at their house. She gave me all the information and I was devastated. My wife admitted to me that the affair was ongoing for 2 years and it was because she was unhappy with our sex life. She said that she wasn't attracted to me after my weight gain and that sex with me was boring. I was hurt and we originally agreed on a divorce but I eventually came to my senses and wanted to fight for my marriage. I love her and can't see myself with anyone else. I begged her to try to give our marriage another chance and she said that she will give me the opportunity make her happy. I suggested for us to see a sex therapist and she was fine with that. We saw the therapist on several occasions and he gave me tips to be better in the bedroom. My wife suggested we bring in a 3rd party into our bedroom because she said that it would make me feel more comfortable and allow me to step back and see what it takes to please her.

I was against the idea on the inside but it was something that she wanted very bad and she said that it would prove how much I loved her if I allowed another man in our relationship. Our therapist referred us to a service that allows us to bring in other men and pay them. My wife got in touch with them and found a man that she thought would be a good fit. We had lunch together back in December and everything seemed to go well. The guy was disease free, in shape, and an obvious alpha. I was uncomfortable around him and I think it's because I felt threatened. He seemed to be everything that I wasn't but I told my wife that in time, I will be a better man for her. My wife promised that it would only be for a few times and that whenever I'm ready to step up and be the man that she needs in the bedroom, the other guy would not need to come anymore.

The first time with the 3 of us was back in January. I didn't know what to expect going in but I felt humiliated. He did things to me that were demeaning and painful. The only reason why I put up with it is because my wife seemed happy and that's the reason why I entered into this agreement. We normally have our sessions 1-2 times per week and I do not enjoy it at all. It seems like a can of worms that I've opened and I don't know how much longer I can take this. I told my wife that I don't want to do 3-ways anymore and she got upset. She says that she is happy with having another man there and that she doesn't want that to change in the foreseeable future. I'm hurting and feel like I have egg on my face but on the other hand, I feel good knowing that she is happy. I just want to go back to having sex with only the 2 of us. I need something to get me out of this mess. She encourages him to do things to me that are against what I believe and I'm getting tired of it. How can I convince her that this is a bad idea? I just want to be happy like everyone else.


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## Bd2014 (Apr 7, 2020)

Oh my God!

She is a freaking jerk!!!
Please, find yourself a good wife who ONLY wants you.

Don't do this to yourself. Something is seriously wrong with her.

Wow, just wow.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

If this is true, you sir are being manipulated and played for a fool 

File for divorce... 

This is not the way that is works, ever.


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## kenneth414 (Apr 9, 2020)

I understand but everyone makes mistakes and I decided to give it another go. I'm not the type to give up on anything easily so I want to do everything in my power to save my marriage before I give up and walk away. If I walked away now, I know I would be filled with regret.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Your wife is the Freak of the Week .... every week.

Do you really want more people in your marriage? Be honest and fair to yourself. If the is no, you need to get rid of her.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

What the hell is she going to do to be a better person?
She is a freaking, lying cheater.
Serve this female pup papers forthwith!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Dude.....you're literally letting her cheat on you WITH YOU IN THE ROOM!!! Of COURSE you want it different!!!!!!!

Of course she wanted to "fight for the marriage" once you came crawling back. Who wouldn't want their cake and to eat it too?!? She gets to do whatever she wants, you give her full permission to do it...making you feel horrible about everything in the end. 

You CANNOT convince her that this is a bad idea. She is getting exactly what she wants and to her, you and your feelings do NOT matter.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You are a cuckold. Your wife isn't a human, she is a lizard.

Work on yourself and divorce the 🦎.

Human women are far more satisfying.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S. Find a different church. You should find one that actually uses the Bible instead of Penthouse to live by.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Tdbo said:


> What the hell is she going to do to be a better person?
> Perhaps she was learning to play flute for the church choir. I knew an old boy who like our man Kenny who "eventually came to my senses and wanted to fight for my marriage." Kenny appears to be as big of a smuck as that old boy.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I have nothing to add to the above responses, all are right on the money.

My friend, no matter what your W is telling you to believe, she's in the wrong in every way.

You've done waayyy more than enough, and some wrong stuff that you shouldn't have done, so now you can look back when you divorce and say you gave her every chance and the marriage every chance, and feel good with yourself. 

And put a stop to reacting to her nonsense and tell her to leave the house. 

She's poison to your mental, physical, and financial health. Like strychnine. 

And no true M counselor would right off the bat say bring in another man, immediately, so W can have sex and demean the husband.

I'm betting she found the sex/marriage counselor.

No marriage would survive the info you've shared.

You'll be a much, much better version of yourself if you separate and be single, maybe later find a woman or W that is a good partner. 

Partner, not freaky let's see how far I can push my H before he breaks down mentally. 

Save yourself. You've taken enough abuse. She will never be the W you want ie any version of a partner is better than what you've described. 

Best wishes.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

kenneth414 said:


> Our therapist referred us to a service that allows us to bring in other men and pay them.


I never heard this before but I am very sheltered. It sounds like pay for sex. What state is this? How much does it cost per session? On top of the humiliation, you have to pay him for it, too?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No way.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

OutofRetirement said:


> I never heard this before but I am very sheltered. It sounds like pay for sex. What state is this? How much does it cost per session? On top of the humiliation, you have to pay him for it, too?


Hell, she probably could get done at the church for free.


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## DTG (Mar 30, 2020)

kenneth414 said:


> I wish I had found this forum under better circumstances but I hope I can get some help with repairing my marriage. My wife had an affair last year with a deacon from our church. The affair was uncovered by his wife because she caught my wife giving him oral sex at their house. She gave me all the information and I was devastated. My wife admitted to me that the affair was ongoing for 2 years and it was because she was unhappy with our sex life. She said that she wasn't attracted to me after my weight gain and that sex with me was boring. I was hurt and we originally agreed on a divorce but I eventually came to my senses and wanted to fight for my marriage. I love her and can't see myself with anyone else. I begged her to try to give our marriage another chance and she said that she will give me the opportunity make her happy. I suggested for us to see a sex therapist and she was fine with that. We saw the therapist on several occasions and he gave me tips to be better in the bedroom. My wife suggested we bring in a 3rd party into our bedroom because she said that it would make me feel more comfortable and allow me to step back and see what it takes to please her.
> 
> I was against the idea on the inside but it was something that she wanted very bad and she said that it would prove how much I loved her if I allowed another man in our relationship. Our therapist referred us to a service that allows us to bring in other men and pay them. My wife got in touch with them and found a man that she thought would be a good fit. We had lunch together back in December and everything seemed to go well. The guy was disease free, in shape, and an obvious alpha. I was uncomfortable around him and I think it's because I felt threatened. He seemed to be everything that I wasn't but I told my wife that in time, I will be a better man for her. My wife promised that it would only be for a few times and that whenever I'm ready to step up and be the man that she needs in the bedroom, the other guy would not need to come anymore.
> 
> The first time with the 3 of us was back in January. I didn't know what to expect going in but I felt humiliated. He did things to me that were demeaning and painful. The only reason why I put up with it is because my wife seemed happy and that's the reason why I entered into this agreement. We normally have our sessions 1-2 times per week and I do not enjoy it at all. It seems like a can of worms that I've opened and I don't know how much longer I can take this. I told my wife that I don't want to do 3-ways anymore and she got upset. She says that she is happy with having another man there and that she doesn't want that to change in the foreseeable future. I'm hurting and feel like I have egg on my face but on the other hand, I feel good knowing that she is happy. I just want to go back to having sex with only the 2 of us. I need something to get me out of this mess. She encourages him to do things to me that are against what I believe and I'm getting tired of it. How can I convince her that this is a bad idea? I just want to be happy like everyone else.


Im sorry its come to this stage. To be honest if i lived in your neighborhood id vandalise the sex therapists car for condoning that as an option. Oh and the deacons car. Absoloutly disgraceful. 
If you have no kids id honestly be moving on. 
If you feel youve lost your "manhood" so to speak, then i honestly wouldnt bother putting in the effort for her, id leave and put in the effort for myself and for my future lady. Your biblicly free to do so.

She has played the slag behind your back and in your face, to the fullest, and she apparently doesnt see a problem with it. 
I know what its like to feel the guilt of thinking you shouldve couldve wouldve done better but the fact is this isnt your mess, she made a mess and now shes been found out shes using you supposed weakness to justify her behaviour. 

Id be out, if she actually loves you at all shel beg for you back and then the choice is yours.
Thats my 2 cents


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

So you promised to be a better man for her.
You want to be a better stronger man.
She is clearly indicating that she desires a strong alpha leader.
Here is what a strong alpha leader (and better man) would have done in your situation.
When the deacon's wife called the better man would have filed for divorce first, and negotiated after there was evidence of change.
A better man would have insisted on a monogamous relationship.
She is still waiting for you to be that man. She wants you to tell her no.

A better man would enforce his boundaries.
You can still be that better man. 
BUT
You do not need to be a better man for her.
You need to be a better man for you.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Tdbo said:


> Hell, she probably could get done at the church for free.


She can get a load from the holy staff, _if you know what I mean_.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I think you are trolling everybody. 

If you are real, maybe you should try bringing a female next time to satisfy you instead. You are having an open marriage anyway. You should too be able to enjoy the benefits of this agreement. (I'd like to see your wife's reaction once you propose to have a female just for you!)


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Kenneth while i am all about give your marriage a shot you married a cheating jerk who has no scrupulous at ALL...and i mean none at all...please put on your big pants and kick that ***** out the door....stop being a doormat and grow some balls...she is using you don't you get.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

File for divorce. You’re wife is a huge manipulator who will use you any way you agree.

yoy should have NEVER agreed to ANY of this...including staying married to that tramp!


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Kenneth414, I haven't read all the post here, but I know you will get s0me good advice. Staop doing the "pick me" dance, start a hard 180, and broadcast the PA to anyone who will listen. There are some denominations that seem to attract sexual users like the deacon you mentioned. Maybe one is yours.. Recently an Episcopal bishop was fired for messing with a 14 year old parishioner.My advice is to file for D and see what happens. And refuse to be a part in rug sweeping and blame shifting by your WW.


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## kenneth414 (Apr 9, 2020)

I appreciate the advice to file for divorce and that I was expecting to hear. However, it's hard to let go because I feel like I haven't exhausted every avenue available to us. I feel like if I try hard enough, I can make this marriage work. We do not have children but we talked about having some one day. I feel like this might be a phase she's going through but maybe I'm wrong.


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## kenneth414 (Apr 9, 2020)

OutofRetirement said:


> I never heard this before but I am very sheltered. It sounds like pay for sex. What state is this? How much does it cost per session? On top of the humiliation, you have to pay him for it, too?


Our counselor referred us to a club which is actually for swingers. There are a group of people there that do private sessions and it's $250 a night. It's pretty simple where she chose the person and we had a formal meetup to discuss the details. Like I said, I didn't want to do this but this seemed to make her happy.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

kenneth414 said:


> I didn't want to do this but this seemed to make her happy.


Stop trying to make her happy.
It's making you miserable.
She is your wife.
You should be the one getting laid by her.
She would rather get action from a clergyman (or a paid ho that you are subsidizing.)
Not good. Dump her cheating ass and go find a woman who wants to be with you instead of use you.


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

WTF, brother do not do things that you don’t want to do! She wants a swinging relationship to make her feel better about her self, fine she can have it. But she is demeaning you, not taking you into account. Treating you like a door mat.
if she is oersistan that find let’s go with two females instead of one male. She can sit back and be emasculated (female version). 
Go hard 180 now. Get tested for STDs and STIs, change accounts, get her to pay for her bang partner if she wants one. Make her accountable. Do you really want to sit back and watch her go out on dates or bring her pick ups back to your place?
look after yourself.
one day at a time.
buffer.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Holy ****! Can someone actually BE this codependent? I'm skeptical.
Send your wife packing, you will be a MUCH better man after ditching that succubus.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

A man she is wanting you to be like wouldn't have anything to do with a low rent street walker like her.

I take that back. That was really rude of me to insult low rent street walkers like that.

My apologies ladies.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You’re spending time rewarding her bad behavior. That doesn’t equate to her being a good wife.

you never be capable of the twists and turns your wife will require of you to support her continued cheating in the marriage.

you’ve been duped. Stop it - it will never be a good look for you - and it will never make you have a happy marriage.
Your wife has no intention of being faithful - stay married if you accept the fact that she will NEVER be a faithful wife.


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## ConfusedDenver (Sep 27, 2012)

🤢🤮


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

This is a bs story
You can tell school is out early.
Nice fiction.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

You are perfect example of insanity....doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results......you sadly deserve what you get


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

kenneth414 said:


> I understand but everyone makes mistakes and I decided to give it another go. I'm not the type to give up on anything easily so I want to do everything in my power to save my marriage before I give up and walk away. If I walked away now, I know I would be filled with regret.


😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

This is hilarious!! If your a Christian, why are you allowing this. Your wife is obviously not a Christian so why stay married to her.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

I'll keep this short. 🙄


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kenneth414 said:


> I wish I had found this forum under better circumstances but I hope I can get some help with repairing my marriage. My wife had an affair last year with a deacon from our church. The affair was uncovered by his wife because she caught my wife giving him oral sex at their house. She gave me all the information and I was devastated. My wife admitted to me that the affair was ongoing for 2 years and it was because she was unhappy with our sex life. She said that she wasn't attracted to me after my weight gain and that sex with me was boring. I was hurt and we originally agreed on a divorce but I eventually came to my senses and wanted to fight for my marriage. I love her and can't see myself with anyone else. I begged her to try to give our marriage another chance and she said that she will give me the opportunity make her happy. I suggested for us to see a sex therapist and she was fine with that. We saw the therapist on several occasions and he gave me tips to be better in the bedroom. My wife suggested we bring in a 3rd party into our bedroom because she said that it would make me feel more comfortable and allow me to step back and see what it takes to please her.
> 
> I was against the idea on the inside but it was something that she wanted very bad and she said that it would prove how much I loved her if I allowed another man in our relationship. Our therapist referred us to a service that allows us to bring in other men and pay them. My wife got in touch with them and found a man that she thought would be a good fit. We had lunch together back in December and everything seemed to go well. The guy was disease free, in shape, and an obvious alpha. I was uncomfortable around him and I think it's because I felt threatened. He seemed to be everything that I wasn't but I told my wife that in time, I will be a better man for her. My wife promised that it would only be for a few times and that whenever I'm ready to step up and be the man that she needs in the bedroom, the other guy would not need to come anymore.
> 
> The first time with the 3 of us was back in January. I didn't know what to expect going in but I felt humiliated. He did things to me that were demeaning and painful. The only reason why I put up with it is because my wife seemed happy and that's the reason why I entered into this agreement. We normally have our sessions 1-2 times per week and I do not enjoy it at all. It seems like a can of worms that I've opened and I don't know how much longer I can take this. I told my wife that I don't want to do 3-ways anymore and she got upset. She says that she is happy with having another man there and that she doesn't want that to change in the foreseeable future. I'm hurting and feel like I have egg on my face but on the other hand, I feel good knowing that she is happy. I just want to go back to having sex with only the 2 of us. I need something to get me out of this mess. She encourages him to do things to me that are against what I believe and I'm getting tired of it. How can I convince her that this is a bad idea? I just want to be happy like everyone else.


You are not going to ever be happy doing something that disturbs you this much.

You are not being a better man. You are letting yourself be pushed around and used.

My suggestion is that you get into individual counseling with a professional who is not pushing you do things that you are not ok doing.

You should also see a lawyer to file divorce because your marriage is toast.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm closing this thread because the OP's issues are beyond the scope of what TAM can help him with.


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