# So Much Turmoil



## DollyLlamaMama (Jul 31, 2010)

I am not sure where to even put all this- its so many issues rolled into one. 
I'm married [I think]. Sometimes I question whether he's married to me or biding his time.
He has an ex-wife and a child [maybe] with her. He's ex-Navy and was gone A LOT so there's no telling since there was a history of infidelity before and after the child. 
Once upon a time I raised that child. She was my sole responsibility [with limits mind you]. I cared for her, I loved her, I held her when she was sad. She was all mine because her parents were being morons. 
And then I got pregnant with my own child. My feelings for her didn't really change. We had a lot of behavioral issues that started up BEFORE I got pregnant. But they were all blamed on this innocent baby [now my 5 year old son]. She stopped living with us after she was diagnosed ADHD [by a behavioral therapist that I took her to]. She was diagnosed a year later again. Got to love it. That makes me :rofl: Our diagnosis wasn't correct because it wasn't done by who his ex thought it should be done by [or whatever].
This poor kid has been rung back and forth between the city where we live and where her mother lives constantly. There's no stability. And I fight hard for that stability. I make valid points, I do my research. I have valid statistics to back me up. In the end, I lose. 
I always lose. I lose all the damn time when that woman's around. I can't win. I've been saying for years that I feel like I'm not even the true wife. I'm just a bed warmer. He laughs at me and says something nice and tries to make me forget. 
He appeases that woman all the time though. Every little thing she wants from him, he jumps to get.
I want something silly and small and dang nab it its like I'm asking for something horrible. I get sick [which happens often b/c I have a very pathetic immune system] and he's awful to me. He doesn't hit me. He's just very verbal about how unfair it is to him that I'm sick...Wow thanks. I'm just the one laying in bed *dying* pal. 
But I get no sympathy. I had wisdom teeth pulled and a couple hours after I get home he's bumping the couch [where I managed to collapse] forcing me to get up. 
I got stepped in a yellow jackets next last night and my god it was awful! I'm also allergic. Didn't realize how allergic until I started having problems- I just had to wait it out. It'd go away. 
Passed a kidney stone the other day [this hasn't been a stellar week for me LOL] and I had to wait 8 hours until he was *finally* ready to help me. Meanwhile I'm pacing the house screaming my head off b/c it feels like I'm trying to pee out razors.
But dang nab it- he's a darn good husband he says. 
And I'm a crappy wife. 
:sigh: 
I took a nap on the couch today b/c I'm feeling like crap. I guess being stung over and over again is supposed to rejuvenate me. 
I wake up to him barking at our son. So do you think I'm going to be in happy mode? NO. I launch in and defend our son and demand to know what's going on. So he comes off with some snappy remark which just pushes me further. 
I stop talking to him b/c I know better. I know my limitations. And so does he. So he keeps pushing me until I snap at him.
[I'm in counseling now learning how to cope with my feelings and my ADD. I was diagnosed by a doctor but b/c of my blood pressure issues I can't take any ADD meds. Instead I'm on Fluoxetine to help keep my calm b/c the more stressed I am the worse the ADD is.]
I have so many mixed up feelings. He thinks he's always right. He thinks he can't do any wrong. He accuses me of always being angry at him [not true]. He can pretty hurtful. He's in counseling too. He's supposed to be there for his temper since I've had enough of it. Its way worse than mine. I can start up but I know to walk away. He just goes bonkers. He comes home and says his counselor tells him that he has no patience and that he needs to get away from us. 
:wtf:
So that's an excuse? Jump up and run away from your family. 
I say, "Whatever. If that's what you want." And leave it at that. Because hey- I'm the one who has to be stuck here w/ no car and no money while you take the only car and only credit card we have with you. Thank you...Though he says, "You could just drop me off."
I think to myself "I might have an ADD moment and "forget" to pick you up."
:rofl:
If he could hear what I think sometimes...
My favorite are the snippy comments I hear him make to our 12 month old daughter about me over the baby monitor. Hello, dear! You left the monitor on. I can hear you.
I feel so undervalued. So under appreciated. I cry when I'm alone because I wonder what mess I walked myself into. I tell myself if I had known what this was going to be like I would have walked the opposite direction.
I have an ex[boyfriend] that I'm very good friends with still. We've known each other for over 11 years so the love is there, the compassion, the kindness is all there. I have to keep my friendship on the DL [though the ex sought me out, has a girlfriend, and just proposed to her] even though my husband cheated on me...Its not the same, he says. But this friend- he means the world to me. He's there when I'm frustrated and can help me sort out my feelings. Its what I need when I don't want to go to one of my girlfriends for a man bashing ceremony. I hate that I can communicate better with the ex than I can my own husband.
Sometimes I wonder if I even love my husband still. 
He can be so overly critical and harsh.
Except with his ex wife because he says its easier to pacify her and keep her happy. He likes to keep her happy.
My happiness isn't important. 
So I cried. And cried. And cried when he told me that.
It doesn't matter. I feel so alone. So worthless. 
And I try to tell him. But he won't listen. 
I need some advice.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Wow...you have a lot of issues here, and they can't all be addressed as just one "do this" solution. So, here's my best take on all of this: 

Your stepdaughter...as much as you love her, and as much as you may have raised her because her parents didn't care/weren't around/whatever their excuses were, the fact remains that the child has a mother and a father, and they get to make the final decisions. Would it be nice if your husband included you in the process? Yes. But legally, neither of them have to. And the mother may be so difficult because she feels that you've usurped her place in her daughter's life, and even though that may have happened through her own fault, it doesn't negate her feelings. I understand how frustrated you feel by the whole situation, and I know that since you did so much for her, you feel very strongly that you have every right to have a say in her life. Personally, I agree that you should. But again...fact remains, she has a mom and dad and they get the final say. As much as it kills you, you have to step back and let them parent the child they share together, and simply support their decisions. As for pacifying her, if she has custody (or more custody than he does), he's probably like most non-custodial parents and feels that he must keep her happy or risk not seeing his child. Often, the custodial parent in those situations will threaten (even nonverbally) to not let the other parent see the child if they aren't happy, even though they know they can't legally do that. And the non-custodial parent should and often does know that they can't do it, but that fear is still there, so they'd rather placate than risk not seeing their kid.

As for the son you share with him...you say you woke up to him barking at your son, and you jumped in to defend son. Did you ask what happened? Did you give either of them a chance to explain what was going on, or did you immediately assume son was innocent and dad was wrong? And how often does this kind of thing happen? The thing about parenting is that you have to be a team. You can't go around disagreeing with each other, especially in front of the children. In my home, our rule is if we disagree with the other parent (in our case, stepparent since my boyfriend is not my kids bio dad), we do not do it in front of the kids. We go in another room, door closed, or we wait until the kids are in bed or off somewhere else to discuss it. We each explain our side: the one that did whatever it was explains why they think it was right, and the one that disagrees explains why they don't. We strive as much as possible to compromise, but every now and then one of us does have to admit to being wrong. If I came up on him lecturing or punishing one of kids, I would not immediately jump to my child's defense. I would find out what happened first, and then, after hearing both the adult and the child explain their side, if I felt my child was not wrong, I would defend him. 

All the rest, the health problems, the belittling comments to your daughter on the baby monitor, and so on...those things are some pretty serious issues. Your health was at stake in at least 2 of those scenarios, and he ignored you. That's abuse in my opinion. Not helping someone who's health is at risk is abuse. The comments to the baby...verbal abuse. I'd bet money he didn't forget the monitor was on...he knew it was and wanted you to hear the comments. But by doing it that way, he could claim innocence and pretend he's not verbally abusing you. 

Other stuff you describe sounds like just simple incompatibility. You describe him as always thinking he's right, having a temper, so on. It could be that you just aren't compatible. 

You mention that he's in counseling, I would strongly recommend that you two get into marriage counseling, if you want to save your marriage. You guys have so many issues, so many things to work out, and honestly, I'm not sure you can do it without a neutral 3rd party to help you. 

Also the ex that you're friends with...I won't say get rid of the friendship necessarily, but be very careful. Be very careful it doesn't turn into an emotional affair (which it honestly sounds like it could be heading there, if not there already), and be very careful that you don't let thoughts of him color your view of your husband. He seems like such a great wonderful person by comparison to your husband, but he may not be so great and he could also be doing it in hopes of getting you to have an affair or getting you to leave your hubby so he can have you back. If you end your marriage, it should be because you've decided your marriage just can't be saved, not because you want to be with someone else. 

Good luck!


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## DollyLlamaMama (Jul 31, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> Wow...you have a lot of issues here, and they can't all be addressed as just one "do this" solution. So, here's my best take on all of this:
> 
> Your stepdaughter...as much as you love her, and as much as you may have raised her because her parents didn't care/weren't around/whatever their excuses were, the fact remains that the child has a mother and a father, and they get to make the final decisions. Would it be nice if your husband included you in the process? Yes. But legally, neither of them have to. And the mother may be so difficult because she feels that you've usurped her place in her daughter's life, and even though that may have happened through her own fault, it doesn't negate her feelings. I understand how frustrated you feel by the whole situation, and I know that since you did so much for her, you feel very strongly that you have every right to have a say in her life. Personally, I agree that you should. But again...fact remains, she has a mom and dad and they get the final say. As much as it kills you, you have to step back and let them parent the child they share together, and simply support their decisions. As for pacifying her, if she has custody (or more custody than he does), he's probably like most non-custodial parents and feels that he must keep her happy or risk not seeing his child. Often, the custodial parent in those situations will threaten (even nonverbally) to not let the other parent see the child if they aren't happy, even though they know they can't legally do that. And the non-custodial parent should and often does know that they can't do it, but that fear is still there, so they'd rather placate than risk not seeing their kid.
> 
> ...


Thank you. 

I am careful with the friend. We have rules that we abide by so that things don't fall into their old habit with us. We keep it light, friendly, and simple- teasing one another b/c of our egos, etc. 
I did bring up marriage counseling. We both go to a wonderful pastoral counseling center and I thought that maybe us seeing someone together would help us sort out our issues. Seems like it would help.
Incompatibility is an issue. He's more uptight, serious, and on task. I'm more flexible, more laid back, and very extroverted. Him not so much. He's an introvert so we clash often about what we're going to do, etc. 
We talked last night. I got my feelings out and he explained his side too on some issues we have going. 
And no- I didn't ask about the argument with our son. I just told them both that it was enough bickering and to be quiet. I should have asked. Our biggest problem is that we have, in the past and currently, been divided on parenting issues. And instead of waiting... *sigh* Sometimes we made our own beds! 

I know that deep down I do love him. I know there's some resentment on my part because I gave up so much to be with him. I sacrificed a lot to be what he needed/wanted. And now that its my turn to finally get back out there in the world and achieve my goals (ultimately seminary school) I feel like he's holding me back. And he says he does b/c he knows what's out there and he's afraid I'm going to love it more out there than here with him.
I understand his fears and concerns are valid but I can never reach success if I don't get to fly. He has to trust that at the end of the day I'm going to come home. Home is where I'm safe. Home is where I can rest myself. Home is where my children are. And I want to be with them. And I want to be with him.
Who else can I torture with True Blood? 


Today is going better. We had a couple moments of disagreement but we both stopped. Church is my sanctuary and I find solace there. I can recharge and gain new perspective there so I was a lot calmer when service was over. 

Thank you for your advice. I will bring the counseling up to him again and see what he says. Its hard right now with two children and no family in the area but I'm sure we can find a sitter for them! 

Thank you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Get the book His Needs Her Needs, and both of you read it together. It will help a lot.


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