# Marriage advice i wish i would have had



## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

> MARRIAGE ADVICE I WISH I WOULD HAVE HAD
> 
> Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had...
> 
> ...


https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?...=a.81166678485.79418.696628485&type=1&theater


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## pepsi1967 (Aug 15, 2013)

thanks for sharing this...wish I could have given it my H on our wedding day so his excuse now that we are divorcing would not have been, "If only I knew I would have done it better" or "why didn't you tell me"


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

My opinion of these kinds of things and this one in particular hasn't change since the last thred about it. If BOTH partners follow this, then it is a great thing, but if only the husband does it, and the wife doesn't...then what you end up with is a wife with an entitlement complex, and a recipe for a failed marriage...


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## pepsi1967 (Aug 15, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> My opinion of these kinds of things and this one in particular hasn't change since the last thred about it. If BOTH partners follow this, then it is a great thing, but if only the husband does it, and the wife doesn't...then what you end up with is a wife with an entitlement complex, and a recipe for a failed marriage...


Amen...I proud to say I did my part...Your so right it takes two..Preach on!:smthumbup:


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

pepsi1967 said:


> Amen...I proud to say I did my part...Your so right it takes two..Preach on!:smthumbup:


I agree it takes two. And sex also solves a lot of men's problems. Woman just take your man 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kezins (Aug 25, 2013)

Good advice, but if you have a partner with character issues, it doesn't make a big difference. Some marriages are honestly just a series of bad judgements. My best marriage advice would be to keep finances separate as much as possible and never get married if you haven't known the person for a considerable amount of time. 

From my mistakes, I've learned that a woman who wants a relationship to develop at a very fast pace is a massive warning sign to get your stuff together and run far, far away.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My husband has always LIVED those things...he's really been amazing, I said to him a couple yrs back now... I couldn't think of a time in our history where he has "let me down".. I was racking my brain even...and immediately he says..... "Yes I did -that time I was late picking you up after school & you got grounded".. I didn't even remember that .... but he carried it ...(we're talking 30 some yrs ago!)...I guess he felt really bad! 

Every time I hear this song...Because you loved me - Celine Dion ...it speaks just how deeply I feel... when we met, I was the one who needed to work some things out...he was patient, loving, always that Protector of my heart... he's inspired me to be a better person. It's an amazing feeling to be loved like that... and ...I so want to continue giving him the world in return.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

That's a very interesting list, thanks for sharing.

One thing I don't agree with is 5) as it seems at odds with 17). I personally think it is a spouse's responsibility to affect positive change in their partner. My wife isn't 'broken', so she doesn't need 'fixing'; it's more a case of:- more of this behaviour, less of that.

Early on in our relationship my future wife and I were having an argument. As what I saw as a throwback from her previous relationship she started throwing things at me. This was a new experience for me. As the first object whizzed passed my head I realised that for this particular game to 'work' from her point of view, I would be required to keep dodging whatever she was throwing. So, I ducked the first one, ducked the next and let the third bounce off my head (can't remember now what it was, but I wasn't risking injury).

I then calmly told her "Don't do that again". And she never has since.

My wife is passionate and I wouldn't change _that_ for the world. There are obvious benefits when passion is directed positively, but on the rare occasions her passion finds a negative outlet there's only certain things I'm willing to accept. So, I will encourage her to change if needs must.


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## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

See number 18?

Right at the very start of the relationship between my wife and I, she got uncomfortable at one point because I was spending far more on her than she was on me. We're not talking megabucks, I just mean I was paying for taxis, most of the drinks when we were out, and meals etc.

I told her right then and there that I have only one rule. We don't worry about the money. I said if I'm spending it, its because I have it. If I run out I'll stop spending until I have more.

I didn't want to discuss my financial status at that time because I wanted her to see the real me. A few weeks later when she found out that my personal income was considerably greater than her entire household's income at the time, I saw her eyes light up. I told her then, I'm financially good now, but I've been broke, and will no doubt be broke again sometime (and it has happened a couple of times since), and I reminded her again that I don't like to discuss money.

Since then, sometimes there has been a practical need to briefly discuss our finances. We have a mortgage to pay and kids to feed now, but if the conversation starts to deviate even slightly from what's essential, I nip it in the bud.

The result, 15 years on, we are still together, still happy, and money doesn't control us. Right now we are in a difficult patch financially, in that a change of circumstances means I am absolutely flat broke. There is a very real chance that the mortgage payment will bounce this month, and I've had to borrow a small amount from family just to make sure we all eat. I'm fully ready to start staving off all sorts of companies and agencies that will want money off me that I don't have. I will act surprised when they phone me to tell me a payment bounced, and will tell them I will phone the bank immediately to find out why, and I will stall them for time for about a month, when it will all start to settle down again as my finances recover from their recent hit. All very turbulent. My wife knows and understands this, yet is as relaxed as ever. Why? Because she knows that another reason I don't like to discuss money is that I always get us through. She knows the true state of our finances, but if we dwelled on it we'd both get worried, when there's no need. 

We're currently skint, and will be for the next few weeks. What is the worst that will happen? Demanding letters and phone calls that I'll have to stall. One mortgage payment might be late but it will get paid. All superficial.

I said to my wife years ago, during another hard spell, that as long as we have the love and support of each other, we have everything we need. No point throwing all that away because of an automated, impersonal letter from the bank.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I hate to be contrarian but I think thats an awful list. My relationship with my wife is effortless. If it required that much effort to keep her loving me I would feel like we weren't meant for each other. We love each other because we just do. That list seems like an awful lot of work. Our list would consist of two things and it works for us.

1) Don't be mean to each other ever, even when you disagree.

2) Be affectionate towards each other all the time, not just sexy time.

What really frustrates me about your list is its too one sided. It makes it seem like the success or failure of a marriage is solely dependent on the man.


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## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> I hate to be contrarian but I think thats an awful list. My relationship with my wife is effortless. If it required that much effort to keep her loving me I would feel like we weren't meant for each other. We love each other because we just do. That list seems like an awful lot of work. Our list would consist of two things and it works for us.
> 
> 1) Don't be mean to each other ever, even when you disagree.
> 
> ...


I wouldn't take it quite so literally. Like all these things, you take what you need from it and you apply it to your situation. That list has all the emphasis on the husband, because it seems it was a man that wrote it. If it was a woman that wrote it it may well have said almost the same, but written from a woman's point of view.

I think the point is very valid, even if the detail is dubious. The point is it does take work to make a marriage work. I bet there's been times when you've done things that you haven't particularly enjoyed, just because your wife wants or needs you to do it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

azteca1986 said:


> That's a very interesting list, thanks for sharing.
> 
> *One thing I don't agree with is 5) as it seems at odds with 17)*. I personally think it is a spouse's responsibility to affect positive change in their partner. My wife isn't 'broken', so she doesn't need 'fixing'; it's more a case of:- more of this behaviour, less of that.





> *5)* ...	*IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER*... your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not. ....
> 
> *17*)...*NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER*… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.


You are right....#5 sounds is far too lenient -suggesting to accept  as is with no expectation of changing...this surely depends...if it's a behavior that is hurting the union....also could lead the man to doormat-ism....

What if she turns to alcoholism or too many "girls nights out's", the example you gave -throwing things when angry... Of course...we can still forgive each other's quirks & mess up's along the way...we all have bad moments...but I prefer 17 much more so...It mentions "Atrophy".... could say the same thing about "*Apathy*" in a marriage as well.....

A is for Apathy: What Happens when You Don't Care Anymore? 



> Apathy, unconcern, indifference, lack of interest, lack of emotion. It's what creeps into the marriage when one or both spouses aren't watchful.
> 
> *§* It happens when they allow the fire for each other to go out.
> 
> ...





> Originally Posted by *azteca1986*
> 
> Early on in our relationship my future wife and I were having an argument. As what I saw as a throwback from her previous relationship she started throwing things at me. This was a new experience for me. As the first object whizzed passed my head I realised that for this particular game to 'work' from her point of view, I would be required to keep dodging whatever she was throwing. So, I ducked the first one, ducked the next and let the third bounce off my head (can't remember now what it was, but I wasn't risking injury).
> 
> ...


 Great example !


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ReformedHubby said:


> I hate to be contrarian but I think thats an awful list. My relationship with my wife is effortless. If it required that much effort to keep her loving me I would feel like we weren't meant for each other. *We love each other because we just do. That list seems like an awful lot of work. *Our list would consist of two things and it works for us.


 We've never looked at our marriage as "Work" either...I've read many posts which feel this is not possible.....I've really never looked at my marriage this way...and he has said the same....I've asked! 

We just flow very naturally... we gravitate to each other ...we both greatly JOY being affectionate, much togetherness...communication is something I love...And he likes the attention. 



> 1) Don't be mean to each other ever, even when you disagree.


 I am not perfect here, I have my moments...our fights are some of our funniest memories though...we always talk things out thoroughly...and we never allow the sun to go down on our anger.



> What really frustrates me about your list is its too one sided. It makes it seem like the success or failure of a marriage is solely dependent on the man.


Of course it is not...how I see this is... Men should teach men how to be a Loving Husbands (Fathers to sons).....and women should teach women..( Mothers to our daughters)...

IF both sexes concentrate on doing their part..looking at their own hand....this is very powerful and affection, loving, giving so often begats this in our partners. If not, someone is spoiled, taking the other for granted...has lost gratitude...and this is very sad . It shouldn't be...

Maybe I am a bit much but I "get off" on making the husband a happy man ...doing all I can to bring him Joy, and keep that  on his face...this greatly blesses me... IN this way - maybe I am a little selfish, but it's cool cause I don't see it as work at all. 

And I know he feels the same. I did take him a little bit for granted in our past, so I have lived and learned...never again.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

ShyEnglishman said:


> I wouldn't take it quite so literally. Like all these things, you take what you need from it and you apply it to your situation. That list has all the emphasis on the husband, because it seems it was a man that wrote it. If it was a woman that wrote it it may well have said almost the same, but written from a woman's point of view.
> 
> I think the point is very valid, even if the detail is dubious. The point is it does take work to make a marriage work. I bet there's been times when you've done things that you haven't particularly enjoyed, just because your wife wants or needs you to do it.


I guess when I read the list there were some elements in there that I don't agree with. I am confused by this advice because in my mind it makes it seem like I should be prince charming to my princess wife. Its not a standard that I can live up too. 

Why can't she just love me for being me and I love her for being her. I don't want to work for her love. How tiring would that be? The funny thing is when I do something that I wouldn't normally enjoy for my wife I actually do enjoy it because it makes her happy. Perhaps my wife and I are so deep in la la land that we don't view our relationship and needs the same way that most people do.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> What if she turns to alcoholism or too many "girls nights out's", the example you gave -throwing things when angry... Of course...we can still forgive each other's quirks & mess up's along the way...we all have bad moments...but I prefer 17 much more so...It mentions "Atrophy".... could say the same thing about "*Apathy*" in a marriage as well.....


Absolutely agree SA. Apathy. Complacency. Taking each other for granted. All so passive. I suspect these types of attitude kill more perfectly healthy marriages than anything else. As a relationship follows it's natural arc there comes a time when you're both comfortable with each other. I thought this was a good thing. I was wrong.

*Marriage advice i wish i would have had* - Don't settle for comfortable. All healthy relationships are dynamic. They ebb and flow. We're two rockets shot up into the sky and it takes energy and effort, communication to make sure two strong-minded individuals remain on a similar trajectory, no matter what life throws at us.

We're both aware we have to put effort into both of us for our marriage to work. Kids, work, family, friends are all secondary to the marriage. That's why I love the first point - Never stop courting her.



ReformedHubby said:


> What really frustrates me about your list is its too one sided. It makes it seem like the success or failure of a marriage is solely dependent on the man.


I sent the list to my wife. I automatically assumed that these points apply to both of us.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

I actually thought it was quite sweet and you can just turn that around and change the wording for a wife to her husband. It absolutely takes two. If you both cherish the other you will not fail.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

The thing that gets me about these kinds of things is when it is put in the bigger picture. While I don't have a facebook account myself, I have done enough shoulder surfing to see that there is an endless number of those little pictures with sayings on them that are basically princessifying women. Telling men to put their women on as high of a pedistal as they can, and for women to expect and demand nothing less from a man. There are very few of those in the other direction.

I have been tempted to make a couple of those to see what the reaction would be. One that says:

Every good man needs a great woman to be his best.

And the other that says:

Every good woman needs a great man to be her best.

I have a feeling the reception would be very different./


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> The thing that gets me about these kinds of things is when it is put in the bigger picture. While I don't have a facebook account myself, I have done enough shoulder surfing to see that there is an endless number of those little pictures with sayings on them that are basically princessifying women. Telling men to put their women on as high of a pedistal as they can, and for women to expect and demand nothing less from a man. There are very few of those in the other direction.
> 
> I have been tempted to make a couple of those to see what the reaction would be. One that says:
> 
> ...


While I do feel like I'm projecting a bit, I agree with what you're saying. I really do feel like too many men objectify their wives and try way too hard to be that prince charming. For years I was told by my best friend that I was a horrible husband. That I needed to do more romantic things. That I should make more of an effort around the house. Only to find out that he hadn't had sex with his wife in almost three years. He is now divorced because she said he didn't pay her compliments.

Honestly speaking from my experience the men that work the hardest at courting their wives often end up getting screwed over. I don't feel like I need gimmicks and overly romantic overtures to keep my woman. I also feel that if I compliment her too much that my compliments would have zero credibility. She gets what she gets. A man who provides, is affectionate, smells of good cologne, and gives her a good strokin a few times a week. Trying to do anything more than that is just too complicated for my caveman brain to understand.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Don't get married just because both sets of parents pressured you into it.


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## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

Oh, here's one.

Don't wait til you can afford the perfect day.

My wife and I waited several years to tie the knot because we wanted to get married on a cruise liner than sail off into the sunset (sick buckets ready please). Then I had a health scare and we decided to hurry things along a bit. My health scare transpired to be nothing sinister but by the time we found that out we'd already booked places and everything, so we went ahead with it. It was a civil registry office do following by reception in a nice pub function room. It was all brilliant. Except that I got so drunk at the reception party that by the time we got round to consummating it, it was hardly memorable. I'm told by some of my friends that wife and I hitched a ride in the same minibus as everyone else rather than waiting for our own taxi, because I was threatening to puke if we didn't go right now, and I'm also told that as I fell out of said minibus outside the hotel, I am quoted as saying something as romantic as "now I'd better go and see if my willy still works".


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## pepsi1967 (Aug 15, 2013)

...I'm just catching up, LOL. I didn't realize we could share the advice we had gotten, I just responded to the original post and it's contents....

well here is one I received on my wedding day, "keep some money on the side for yourself in case something goes wrong". 

sadly something went wrong and alimony was not an option...


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## SunandSnow (Jun 7, 2013)

I love this! I've become more romantic with life in recent years. Not that this will help me now.

I wish my spouse and I read and started living by these rules long ago. I truly think it would have made a tremendous difference in our lives and happiness.


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## marko (Jul 22, 2013)

some of the young guys at work have approached me on dating advice or how to pick the perfect young lady. they knew I had been with my wife for a long time and was in love with her still.

I would tell them that I had no dating advice for them, I did not know how to "pick up chicks", I was way out of practice on that, since I had only been out with one woman in 25 years. 

I would tell them, I can give them advice how to treat your love of your life really well.
1)when they find the right woman they will know
2)when they find her give your heart to her. 
3)she will give her heart to you and if she does not then she is not the one.
4)do not worry about money, it is just a few dollars here and there.it will not make their love work, you can love really well when having pennies in your pocket. 
5)do not worry about the little ****, carry on with life.
6)be yourself, she will find out you are a liar eventually.


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