# Can't forgive and forget...



## HCD28 (Jul 4, 2011)

I have been married to my husband over 8 years. We got married at a young age (20). Our relationship felt like a real life fairytale. For the first couple years, things were going really well. Fast foward to late last year.... For a while I had these strange gut feelings like my husband was hiding something from me. One night, our 7 year old son found my husband's iPod and decided to try to play a game. Once I got it back from him, I had noticed that there was a yahoo screen name on his yahoo app. My husband and I have always been VERY open about what screen names we use and we know each others passwords. Out of curiosity, I decided to do a google search.... Right away pages and pages full of explicit comments towards other naked women splashed all over my screen. He had a profile on this website, similar to adult friend finder. I was in complete shock and disbelief. He had made so many sexual comments towards women..... things I've never heard from him. There were a bunch of comments from these other women on his profile page. One in particular stuck out. This woman was calling him by pet names and apologizing that she couldnt get on msn to chat with him the night before. From my understanding my husband doesnt own a hotmail account let alone MSN messenger.... 

The next morning, I decided to confront him. At first he was in denial. It took about 5 minutes of my nagging for him to tell me the truth. He said he wasnt sexually satisfied and was doing it just to fufill his needs. He has NEVER mentioned anything about not being satisfied. I will admit we dont have sex as much as we used to. We talked it out for a little and I told him I would try to forgive him but to give me time. He promised he would delete his account and answer any questions I have. After a week of this going through my head, I was able to push it out of my mind. This happened in Nov 2010.

At the end of April this year, we had a big fight. The argument was over his lack of doing anything to help me around the house and with the kids. As soon as he would come home from work, he would sit and play computer games until it was time to go to sleep. Barely speaking a word to me or our kids. He would always leave dirty dishes and laundry laying on the floor. I felt like he was my teenage son and I was fed up and just snapped 1 morning. It ended up with him not talking to me for 2 weeks. Not 1 word. I decided to text him how I felt while he was at work since I felt like I was talking to a wall whenever I would try to communicate with him. His response to my text went something like this, " I dont want to be in this relationship anymore but I dont know how to get out." He went on to mention about how I treat him like **** and I have issues that he doesnt know how to deal with. I do have a few personal things I am going through, and I have felt like hes never been there for me. He doesnt show really any affection for years now. I feel so lonely. I have never done anything that would hurt his feelings... never tried talking to other men. Over the last few months, I've googled searched that yahoo screen name and would always come up with the same results as before until tonight... something new came up. A chat website for locals. By the looks of it, hes starting to chat with other women. I dont know what to think of it. I'm so tired of this. I dont feel respected or loved by him. Theres so many emotions that are running through me. 

Theres quite a few things that I'm leaving out as to how our relationship is. He does show me affection but VERY little. When I talk to him, he doesnt really respond. My friends have always called me the comedian of the group, everyone has always said I'm hilarious. His parents constantly laugh at things I say... I dont get 1 chuckle from him ever. He says I'm just not funny to him. This has always bothered me for some reason. I dont feel like he is my best friend let alone a close friend. Just a roomate with benefits. I dont know what to do anymore. I've tried talking to him about this but it always ends in an argument. He doesnt know that I havent let go of his "secret". He doesnt know in depth how I truely feel. I feel like I deserve more. I just dont know what to do... I'm so lonely =(

I forgot to mention, I've tried getting him to go to counsiling with me. He is COMPLEATLY against it. No amount of pleading or begging would change his mind.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

As you married young, it seems as if he still wants his little boy freedoms and for you to mother him.
He needs to grow up - quickly.
And you need to start making some serious decisions.
He seems against the councilling as it may force him to look at the little spoilt brat that lurks inside and he may not like what he sees.
You must take the lead here.

Best wishes.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

He's checked-out-- TIME TO GO.


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## HCD28 (Jul 4, 2011)

Thank you for your response, Numb-badger. Everything you said makes complete sense. The only thing is I dont know what to do. I'm at a complete loss. I dont know how to approach this situation without the end result being an argument and given the silent treatment again. Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## HCD28 (Jul 4, 2011)

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> He's checked-out-- TIME TO GO.


I've been thinking the same thing for years now. I'm tired of his lack of effort in doing anything. Problem is, I still love him for whatever reason. Leaving is a lot easier said than done especially with the kids and the fact that I adore his entire family, doesnt help 1 bit.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

I agree with Ahhmaaan. You need to concentrate on YOU. Read up on the 180. Learn to detatch and move forwards yourself. This is all about YOU now - the little boy will have to grow up or mammy will leave him sulking in the supermarket isle.
Put your needs first - forget the silent treatment, that's what teenagers are for - and start some aspects of the 180. Show him what YOU are made of, forget his whining, and make steps to move on for yourself. With the 180 it'll point you in the right direction.


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## HCD28 (Jul 4, 2011)

So basically you both are saying my marriage is over. And by over, I mean no hope? I'm a little half and half. I want to leave but at the same time, I dont feel like I could get over the pain and knowing he is getting exactly what he wants. It just doesnt seem fair.

I want to confront him but I dont know if I should. I dont know what to say, how to say it, should I be mad, sad, upset... Should I show him what I found and let that cached website do all the talking?

I wish my husband wasnt such a ****ing selfish moron and just open up to me. Let me know whats bothering him so I can have a chance to talk things out instead of pulling this ****. This isnt the 1st time hes done something lilke this. I checked his yahoo profile (the one with the screen name I've never heard of) and it turns out he started in in Dec of 08.... that 2 years of being a lying ****head. 

It depresses me so much to read posts on here from men with broken hearts talking about how the adore their wives to pieces and would try to do anything to fix things. I cant help but think why cant my husband feel that way. He did once at the beginning of our relationship. I feel like theres so many things wrong with our marriage. I'm neck deep in ****. Its almost as if the man I fell in love with doesnt exist anymore.

How should I approach him?


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## oilfieldguy (Jul 3, 2011)

I use to be your husband. I would come home and get on the computer and check my secret emails and answer them. I rearranged my office so I could see my wife coming with enough time to close it. I used firefox so it would automaticly delete history. He is not ready to be married. He makes it your fault and tries to shift blame at anyone but himself. I ran that game for years. Your best course of action is to leave. He might get his mind right and then again he might not. He will not change any time soon I promise. He will always have secret email that are hard to find. I had them for years.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

HIM: "I dont want to be in this relationship anymore but I dont know how to get out."

Coming from you:

"He doesnt show really any affection for years now."

"By the looks of it, hes starting to chat with other women."

"He says I'm just not funny to him."

"I'm so tired of this. I dont feel respected or loved by him."

"I feel like I deserve more. I just dont know what to do... I'm so lonely =(

And lastly... but most importantly- "I've tried getting him to go to counsiling with me. He is COMPLETELY against it. No amount of pleading or begging would change his mind."

Need I say more- HE HAS CHECKED OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

HCD28 said:


> How should I approach him?


You have to remember that we all have different experiences on this board and I can see you really want to save your marriage.

The 180 is about changing your self. It does not mean you lose anything.

He is having Emotional Affairs. Checking out and behaving like an idiot. 

If it is going to work at all you are going to have to stop him doing the MSN thing. Insist on open computers, phones and such. Cut off the Internet..

THEN you might find he opens up. You might find him in there. While he is telling other women his problems you don't stand a chance.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

He sounds immature. I agree with the 180 approach - read up on it. You almost have to ignore him. No more begging, pleading. Don't chase. Men like to be the chasers, and that's exactly what he is doing. He doesn't need to chase you anymore because you are constantly coming after him.

Here's what you do. Shut him off. Don't talk to him, don't do things for him, no sex, no hugs. After awhile he will notice this change and start to look around and say, "hey, where did she go?" And when he does this, continue the 180/shut down. He will eventually ramp up his chase of you, or he won't even start. 

I'd give it 2 weeks of this behavior, maybe 3. If he doesn't even notice or react to your change in behavior, then flatly tell him you are filing for divorce. Remember, filing for D doesn't mean actually D. You file it. His reaction to this will tell you everything you need to know, for 100% certainty. But all this while, you stop doing his dishes, you stop cooking his dinner, you stop begging for attention.


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## HCD28 (Jul 4, 2011)

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> Need I say more- HE HAS CHECKED OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Yeah I get it. Just because he's "checked out" doesn't mean I should or am willing to not try to work on my marriage. 

For those of you whom did respond, thank you for your suggestions. I'll check out this 180 approach.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

I never said that _you_ should give up. All I said was that, by the looks of things HE'S checked-out. You go on to say that he refuses counseling, or any measure that resembles some form of positive communication. Reconciliation takes *TWO* people to work at it, not just one. That's all I'm saying


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