# Need advice



## marshall1000 (Aug 2, 2020)

My husband doesn't trust me because I didn't tell him where I was going since I knew he would sleep all day and not want to go. He was fine with it until he saw the pictures on facebook and realized there were men there and that I lied about the actual city of where we went. I lied because we went somewhere farther away and I didn't want him to know that. I didn't want to invite him either because he always says he doesn't like the friend who invited just me anyway. So now he says I lied, that he knows I'm hiding something (I'm not), and that I "f'd up" and wants me to write 2 pages on why I lied and how I can earn his trust again. He also wants me to give him all my passwords and to be able to track me on the phone. He said if I don't write pages explaining why I lied and how he can trust me again then it's over. He also said I have 30 days to leave the home he bought before we were married. What do you think of this? I'm thinking it's over but I don't know how to tell him because as you can read he gets very triggered.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Why does you husband have so many trust issues? 

Did you cheat on him in the past? Did he cheat on you? Mental illness? What is it?

And no, you shouldn't be lying to your husband about your whereabouts or who you are with. Is that a frequent thing for you?


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## marshall1000 (Aug 2, 2020)

bobert said:


> Why does you husband have so many trust issues?
> 
> Did you cheat on him in the past? Did he cheat on you? Mental illness? What is it?
> 
> And no, you shouldn't be lying to your husband about your whereabouts or who you are with. Is that a frequent thing for you?


No I haven't ever cheated on him or even talked to a guy online/text or anything in 14 years. I don't even have male friends that aren't my friend's husbands or husband's friends. Yes I've lied before because he threatens to divorce me or freaks out but this is the first time he's caught me. I mean I can go places without lieing to him and it's fine. He doesn't mind if I've been drinking and stay at a friend's either (he does the same). You never know with him what will set him off. I could tell he was getting upset that I didn't tell him I was going out and so I told him I was at a different location but didn't lie about what we were doing.


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## marshall1000 (Aug 2, 2020)

I think he may have a mental illness but can't figure out what....He also drinks and does cocaine so maybe that explains his behavior?? He blames me for his behaviors though.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

So he is paranoid, makes threats, makes unrealistic demands, blameshifts, probably gaslights, and abuses two substances... 

Why do you stay with him? Do you have kids?


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## marshall1000 (Aug 2, 2020)

No kids. I guess I stay with him because it's enjoyable sometimes and because it would be expensive and hard to move out. People don't know our problems so I guess I figured it would be easier to stay with him then to have to tell all these people about it. Our families are close and know he can be a little difficult but they don't know how bad it is. I guess I just feel like I'm disappointing our parents and part of me wants to just have him to say I'm married.


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## marshall1000 (Aug 2, 2020)

marshall1000 said:


> No kids. I guess I stay with him because it's enjoyable sometimes and because it would be expensive and hard to move out. People don't know our problems so I guess I figured it would be easier to stay with him then to have to tell all these people about it. Our families are close and know he can be a little difficult but they don't know how bad it is. I guess I just feel like I'm disappointing our parents and part of me wants to just have him to say I'm married.





bobert said:


> So he is paranoid, makes threats, makes unrealistic demands, blameshifts, probably gaslights, and abuses two substances...
> 
> Why do you stay with him? Do you have kids?


Also I'm intimidated by his reaction if I really do proceed with leaving him. He's threatned to throw my things out of the house and to change our key code in the past.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You shouldn't stay in a marriage out of fear, self-blame, or to keep the status quo. You deserve to be happy, to be treated with respect, and to be and feel safe. You should not be walking on eggshells around him and you are not to blame for his behavior. 

Your family may like him, and they may be close to his family, but they are still YOUR family. Generally they will take your side and support you. Your family should want you to be happy, not married just for the sake of it. Are there cultural issues that would make them feel differently? 

Do you both work?


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## marshall1000 (Aug 2, 2020)

marshall1000 said:


> No kids. I guess I stay with him because it's enjoyable sometimes and because it would be expensive and hard to move out. People don't know our problems so I guess I figured it would be easier to stay with him then to have to tell all these people about it. Our families are close and know he can be a little difficult but they don't know how bad it is. I guess I just feel like I'm disappointing our parents and part of me wants to just have him to say I'm married.





marshall1000 said:


> No kids. I guess I stay with him because it's enjoyable sometimes and because it would be expensive and hard to move out. People don't know our problems so I guess I figured it would be easier to stay with him then to have to tell all these people about it. Our families are close and know he can be a little difficult but they don't know how bad it is. I guess I just feel like I'm disappointing our parents and part of me wants to just have him to say I'm married.





bobert said:


> You shouldn't stay in a marriage out of fear, self-blame, or to keep the status quo. You deserve to be happy, to be treated with respect, and to be and feel safe. You should not be walking on eggshells around him and you are not to blame for his behavior.
> 
> Your family may like him, and they may be close to his family, but they are still YOUR family. Generally they will take your side and support you. Your family should want you to be happy, not married just for the sake of it. Are there cultural issues that would make them feel differently?
> 
> Do you both work?


I am a teacher in the south so I don't have a lot of money and has his own business that he does ok with. No culture reasons.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

marshall1000 said:


> I am a teacher in the south so I don't have a lot of money and has his own business that he does ok with. No culture reasons.


If there are no cultural reasons then your family would most likely take your side and be there for you. They want you to be happy... Reach out to them. Do you have family (or friends) nearby that could help you with a temporary place to stay? 

Do you have "safe" reasons to leave the house that don't set your husband off? I would suggest you use one of those reasons and go speak to an attorney. They will let you know where you stand. Such as how asset's would be divided or if he would have to pay alimony. That may take away a bit of the fear of the unknown. Consultations are usually free, so he wouldn't see a charge on your card. You could call from a friend's or family members phone, or even a pay phone if you can find one, if he looks at your call records.


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## marshall1000 (Aug 2, 2020)

I wouldn't have a place to go so I would need to rent. I was thinking about an attorney. I just am afraid of how he will react and tell others that I lied and am sneaking around but not his won faults.I don't know if it's better to be upfront with him or if I should write his "essay" of what I did wrong to get him off my back for now then speak to an attorney. He's written things on Facebook before like "Lying *****" and when we broke up years ago he put what happened on facebook. I just don't want to be embarrassed or have to be intimidated my him while trying to move out. 

I know my family would take my side but they would be disappointed. They wanted grandkids and worry about my happiness.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

marshall1000 said:


> I wouldn't have a place to go so I would need to rent. I was thinking about an attorney. I just am afraid of how he will react and tell others that I lied and am sneaking around but not his won faults.I don't know if it's better to be upfront with him or if I should write his "essay" of what I did wrong to get him off my back for now then speak to an attorney. He's written things on Facebook before like "Lying ***" and when we broke up years ago he put what happened on facebook. I just don't want to be embarrassed or have to be intimidated my him while trying to move out.
> 
> I know my family would take my side but they would be disappointed. They wanted grandkids and worry about my happiness.


I'm sure you already know this but don't stoop to his level and post that crap on Facebook. If you leave him, block him on social media or deactivate your account so you don't have to see it. It is also something to mention to a lawyer because depending on how it effects you it's stepping into lawsuit territory.

This is your life, and it's the only one you have to live. Try not to care about other people's opinions so much (easier said than done, I know). Reach out to your family and friends and let them know what's going on. You will need their support. Anyone who doesn't support you or believes the crap your husband spews out was never on your side to begin with.

For the record, it's not too late for grandkids (if you want them). Getting divorced doesn't mean you can never have kids. You need to make decisions for you, not because you don't want to disappoint someone who doesn't have to live your life.

Have you considered seeing a therapist? Many have a sliding scale.


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## marshall1000 (Aug 2, 2020)

bobert said:


> I'm sure you already know this but don't stoop to his level and post that crap on Facebook. If you leave him, block him on social media or deactivate your account so you don't have to see it. It is also something to mention to a lawyer because depending on how it effects you it's stepping into lawsuit territory.
> 
> This is your life, and it's the only one you have to live. Try not to care about other people's opinions so much (easier said than done, I know). Reach out to your family and friends and let them know what's going on. You will need their support. Anyone who doesn't support you or believes the crap your husband spews out was never on your side to begin with.
> 
> ...


Yes I have considered seeing a therapist! I have already blocked him since he's put something up on facebook before. He's about to wake up and ask if I wrote his essay so hopefully he's not too confrontational, vengeful or angry. 
Thanks so much! I know all of this but needed to hear it from another.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

You were being deceptive and lying, going somewhere other than where you told hubby you were going with a friend he does not trust and hanging out somewhere with guys.. 

Yeah....i would have serious trust issue with my wifes behavior also. Why doesn't he have your passwords? My wife has mine and vice versa. Where exactly did you and your wingman go? Club? Concert?
Why does hubby say he does not like the friend? If my wife acted like you did i would be suspicious as hell! You said he had no issues until he saw pictures on FB that yall went somewhere much farther and guys were there.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

One thing -- if you write this "fall on my sword" type of letter to him about how bad you were, THEN divorce him, there is a VERY good chance that IT will wind up on facebook, or be used in the divorce. I'd be VERY careful putting anything like that to paper.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Let me understand this clearly.

You go on vacational trips without your hubby. He lets you go. You do not want him to come because he is no fun on these trips. Other men come to these trips. You lie to your husband as to where you are. You are with him for the financial support, safe home to live in and to keep your parents happy. He catches you in your lies and wants total transparency. You now want a lawyer to see what you can get out of him (clearly not the house since it was his premarriage and you haven't been married that long). You say you get along but it sounds like you are definitely not in love - in fact you fear his reactions to your lies.

You two need to get divorced immediately and you need to work out how to support yourself going forward.


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