# Just want to talk about it



## ellipsim (Apr 18, 2018)

Bullet points:
-Wife and I married nearly 4 years, known each other and dating for 9.
-I became overly focused on work and on hobbies (bodybuilding, etc.) and she felt lonely.
-She left 2 months ago. Staying with a friend. Won't communicate with me.
-I have given up my hobbies and, after fighting depression, am working on improving myself to be the person she needs.
-In-laws trying to help with reconciliation. She won't budge.
-I found out that she had an affair the night after leaving the house. One time only, as far as I know.
-I also found out she reached out to a male friend asking him to leave his wife because now she is leaving me and they can finally be together. He told her no.
-She also had been actively searching for and meeting guys on Tinder.
-I feel compelled to keep trying. For me marriage is forever. I don't believe that I deserve this, but when I said forever I mean it.

-Lately it's just been a lot of "wait and see what happens"
-we divided our assets. I have to move out of the house that we just moved into and find a new tenant so I can get out of the lease. (We were only in the new place for 2 weeks when this all happened)

-And the beat goes on. Learning how to get up every day and care about life when all of my dreams have been crushed.

Any comments, discussion, or advice are welcome.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

ellipsim said:


> Bullet points:
> -Wife and I married nearly 4 years, known each other and dating for 9.
> -I became overly focused on work and on hobbies (bodybuilding, etc.) and she felt lonely.
> -She left 2 months ago. Staying with a friend. Won't communicate with me.
> ...


Bottom line, your wife has been cheating on you for a while. You are completely clueless, get a grip. 

Sounds like she has been cheating for a long time. 

Divorce her, grow up and do your best to learn something about women. 

This is done and you should realize it...


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

ellipsim said:


> -I have given up my hobbies and, after fighting depression, am working on improving myself to be the person she needs.


The above bullet point is not a good bullet point. You can work on improving yourself to be a better partner/spouse, but it should be for the reason of having a healthy and happier relationship with someone else. Furthermore, don't give up all your hobbies. With your hobbies, you still have a very valuable person in your life - you. Without them, you become a more uninteresting person.

Finally, I'm sorry you're going through this. It's a cruel part of life and the misery and loneliness seem like they will last for the rest of your life. However, this does eventually pass. Try to accept that while you miss your wife very much, she doesn't want to be with you anymore and that you need to find the strength to move on and find the next amazing chapter of your life.


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## ellipsim (Apr 18, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> Bottom line, your wife has been cheating on you for a while. You are completely clueless, get a grip.
> 
> Sounds like she has been cheating for a long time.
> 
> ...


I know this is the first time she has physically cheated, but for sure she has been emotionally cheating perhaps for our entire marriage. I think if she weren't from such a conservative background that she would have probably given in physically a long time ago as well.

I don't entirely disagree with you. I need to just move on. Just hard getting back to where I need to be mentally.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

She left 2 months ago and slept with another man the next night. Trolling Tinder for c*ck. Tried to get another man to leave his wife to be with her. Umm... sorry but I don't think there is anything to save here. It's admirable that you believe in marriage being forever, but unfortunately you only control half of that equation. Move on, work on yourself and heal, and then when you're ready, find yourself a better woman than this one.


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## ellipsim (Apr 18, 2018)

Steve1000 said:


> The above bullet point is not a good bullet point. You can work on improving yourself to be a better partner/spouse, but it should be for the reason of having a healthy and happier relationship with someone else. Furthermore, don't give up all your hobbies. With your hobbies, you still have a very valuable person in your life - you. Without them, you become a more uninteresting person.
> 
> Finally, I'm sorry you're going through this. It's a cruel part of life and the misery and loneliness seem like they will last for the rest of your life. However, this does eventually pass. Try to accept that while you miss your wife very much, she doesn't want to be with you anymore and that you need to find the strength to move on and find the next amazing chapter of your life.


Yeah... yeah. I'm glad I hopped on here

As far as the bodybuilding, I don't plan on giving it up forever, I just haven't felt like it lately and had burnt myself out. Too much life stress happening to really care about hobbies when I don't have time for them anyway. Plus all the stress eating negates the "feeling sexy" vibe that I want anyway.

But I agree. If I improve myself for her, she will have power over me no matter what. I need to do it for myself, and stop focusing on what she is going through and what she may or may not do. 

I don't know if I'm willing to say that it's over forever, but it's for sure over for now and I need to get to a place where I'm actually living life again. How to put myself (and keep myself) in the right mental state to do so?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It will take time.

Within two years you will see what a gift you e been given by her just leaving. She is not marriage material. 

Asking a dude to leave his wife? What a spook.
Tinder? Lol, after she’s been screwed and ditched by half the guys in your area, she will realize what she really is and has done. Too late.

You will get to the point you couldn’t care less about her. Start working to improve your life. Get a second job. Buy nice clothes, a nice car, get your life in order, and don’t hesitate to enjoy the single life. 

Things seem awful right now. They WILL get better, but only after you ACCEPT what she is, and ACCEPT that she’s gone.

Stop doing your hobbies and such? Why?
Geez, you’re not on this planet to entertain someone.

Get out of bettayed spouse syndrome and stop blaming yourself.


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## ellipsim (Apr 18, 2018)

Tex X said:


> She left 2 months ago and slept with another man the next night. Trolling Tinder for c*ck. Tried to get another man to leave his wife to be with her. Umm... sorry but I don't think there is anything to save here. It's admirable that you believe in marriage being forever, but unfortunately you only control half of that equation. Move on, work on yourself and heal, and then when you're ready, find yourself a better woman than this one.


Well when you put it like that, lol...

yeah. I don't know what's going on in her head, but I'm certainly not her main concern.

Funny thing is that we're members in a super conservative orthodox church that doesn't allow for divorce EXCEPT in the case of adultery... which I have proof of if I wanted to use it so that I could re-marry in the church and she couldn't (if she got remarried civilly the church wouldn't recognize it)... but that's just a minor fun fact.

Don't know why I have such a hard time letting go. Just afraid of failure? Idk.


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## ellipsim (Apr 18, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> It will take time.
> 
> Within two years you will see what a gift you e been given by her just leaving. She is not marriage material.
> 
> ...



Yeah, I think I could easily accept that it's over if I didn't have so many people telling me not to give up: Her father, the priest that married us, the other priest here locally. My family just wants me to be happy, my friends want me to take care of myself, but the conflicting advice has confused me. Sometimes it's hard to filter through it all to figure out what is right.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

ellipsim said:


> Well when you put it like that, lol...
> 
> yeah. I don't know what's going on in her head, but I'm certainly not her main concern.
> 
> ...


Divorce her. The more time you spend thinking of her, the longer it will take for you to heal.

You think you’ve lost a treasure. You will find that it’s just the opposite when you meet a decent woman. It will not be hard to beat what you had.

I’m sorry but your wife is really a low person


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

ellipsim said:


> Yeah, I think I could easily accept that it's over if I didn't have so many people telling me not to give up: Her father, the priest that married us, the other priest here locally. My family just wants me to be happy, my friends want me to take care of myself, but the conflicting advice has confused me. Sometimes it's hard to filter through it all to figure out what is right.


Your priest and father know she’s trolling tinder for sex, and the other things you’ve said, and they want you to try to work it out (surely you know it’s not up to you, anyway)???????

Then your father and the priest are WRONG.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

ellipsim said:


> I know this is the first time she has physically cheated, but for sure she has been emotionally cheating perhaps for our entire marriage. I think if she weren't from such a conservative background that she would have probably given in physically a long time ago as well.
> 
> I don't entirely disagree with you. I need to just move on. Just hard getting back to where I need to be mentally.


Listen, I understand what you think you know. But you need to understand that I and people like me understand what you don't know. 

Think that sounds crazy, then do this for me. Go to the infidelity section of this site, and read the most recent 20 thread. I there you will find behaviors that your wife was/is doing. Some of that will show you what is going on. 

Just trust that we are correct.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

ellipsim said:


> Yeah, I think I could easily accept that it's over if I didn't have so many people telling me not to give up: Her father, the priest that married us, the other priest here locally. My family just wants me to be happy, my friends want me to take care of myself, but the conflicting advice has confused me. Sometimes it's hard to filter through it all to figure out what is right.


Of course you're getting this advice from her father and 2 priests. Partisan politics my friend. Would you expect them to tell you anything different? Do they know the extent of the sh*t that she has been pulling? I doubt it.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

ellipsim said:


> Yeah... yeah. I'm glad I hopped on here
> 
> As far as the bodybuilding, I don't plan on giving it up forever, I just haven't felt like it lately and had burnt myself out. Too much life stress happening to really care about hobbies when I don't have time for them anyway. Plus all the stress eating negates the "feeling sexy" vibe that I want anyway.
> 
> ...


I was also big into body building for about five years, but now instead of trying to look like the Hulk, I am more into lean fitness. 

How to put yourself in the right mental state? I recommend three things: 

1. Accept that it's normal to feel pretty much miserable right now. You're going to have moments of extreme sadness and anxiety every day for a few more months. A good night of sleep? Nope, it's just not going to happen. 

2. Short term: Force yourself to exercise. It builds a sense of self-worth and helps to reduce some of the stress. I recommend buying a good bicycle and a Go-pro and start exploring places. 

3. Six month plan: There is one thing that you truly have right now and that is freedom. Think about something big enough to feel a sense of excitement about that can distract you for ten minutes at a time. How about a two-week vacation to the beautiful beaches of Thailand?


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

ellipsim said:


> Don't know why I have such a hard time letting go. Just afraid of failure? Idk.


It's because you loved your wife very much like a decent man.


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## ellipsim (Apr 18, 2018)

Tex X said:


> Of course you're getting this advice from her father and 2 priests. Partisan politics my friend. Would you expect them to tell you anything different? Do they know the extent of the sh*t that she has been pulling? I doubt it.


I have told her father everything. Still, I know that he has been listening only selectively because he still thinks of her as an innocent little girl. I think if he had to accept the full truth of the situation it would probably kill him. Denial is a great defense mechanism.


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## ellipsim (Apr 18, 2018)

Random side note for opinion:

I have a friend (was best friend) who is mutual to both of us. In this situation he actively convinced her to pursue separation without telling me so that I could do something about it. His position is that he "wants what is best for both of us" and "if she wasn't happy in the relationship then I wouldn't be happy either" Just want to confirm: I need to cut him out of my life, correct? I get that he had good intentions but his actions were not in line with what I view as friendship or helpful to my marriage.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

ellipsim said:


> Yeah, I think I could easily accept that it's over if I didn't have so many people telling me not to give up: Her father, the priest that married us, the other priest here locally. My family just wants me to be happy, my friends want me to take care of myself, but the conflicting advice has confused me. Sometimes it's hard to filter through it all to figure out what is right.


Good god man!!!! Why in the hell do you give a damn what they think?

Get moving away from this as fast as you can and be thankfull you don't have kids or a lot of years tied up in this fiasco.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

ellipsim said:


> Random side note for opinion:
> 
> I have a friend (was best friend) who is mutual to both of us. In this situation he actively convinced her to pursue separation without telling me so that I could do something about it. His position is that he "wants what is best for both of us" and "if she wasn't happy in the relationship then I wouldn't be happy either" Just want to confirm: I need to cut him out of my life, correct? I get that he had good intentions but his actions were not in line with what I view as friendship or helpful to my marriage.


He's a snake. Never was your friend and was probably looking to get some from her.

Cut him out permantley.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

ellipsim said:


> I have told her father everything. Still, I know that he has been listening only selectively because he still thinks of her as an innocent little girl. I think if he had to accept the full truth of the situation it would probably kill him. Denial is a great defense mechanism.


Blood is thicker than water. You need to cut them out too. You'll move on much faster and better with zero contact. They are nothing to you now


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## ellipsim (Apr 18, 2018)

Marc878 said:


> ellipsim said:
> 
> 
> > I have told her father everything. Still, I know that he has been listening only selectively because he still thinks of her as an innocent little girl. I think if he had to accept the full truth of the situation it would probably kill him. Denial is a great defense mechanism.
> ...


Okay, true, but I can't cut everyone out... I need to make some new friends is what I need to do. Working on that. I need people that I can rely on who actually care about my best interest. Family will always be there, but my family is 3000 miles away. I need to build solid relationships locally that I can count on.

Anyone got advice for how to do this? Lol. Extremely introverted, I guess getting out of the house more is step 1.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

ellipsim said:


> Bullet points:
> -Wife and I married nearly 4 years, known each other and dating for 9.
> -I became overly focused on work and on hobbies (bodybuilding, etc.) and she felt lonely.
> -She left 2 months ago. Staying with a friend. Won't communicate with me.
> ...


*She's lonely but emotionally immature; she immediately separated then cheated on you; she didn't reach out to you, but her relatives did; she wanted your personal assets divided; she's reaching out to other men on Tinder for sexual companionship, without obviously having another thought of you!

Consider this a Godsend!

Why try anymore? She's not! And for the obvious reason is that she's through! The best thing you can do for yourself at this juncture is to set up an appointment with a good family lawyer and be advised of your legal rights and to quickly start the divorce process!

You deserve to be treated much better than that! And this is the only way that you'll be able to find a loving relationship with another woman!

Best of luck to you, my friend! *


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

ellipsim said:


> Yeah, I think I could easily accept that it's over if I didn't have so many people telling me not to give up: *Her father, the priest that married us*, the other priest here locally. My family just wants me to be happy, my friends want me to take care of myself, but the conflicting advice has confused me. Sometimes it's hard to filter through it all to figure out what is right.


Do you wonder why HE wants you to stay married? If he really cares, he should help YOU get the divorce due to adultery.

For the conflicting advice, what do YOU want here? Others are just trying to help, but sometimes you need to just be selfish and think about yourself, NOT pleasing the priest, family, friends, etc.. I think that she is gone and wants to be a single woman (she certainly is acting like it, and a ****ty one at that). Give her her wish.

If she had a male "friend" that she wanted to (or did?) bang and be with if he left his wife RIGHT AFTER she left you, then this had been going on for some time (EA certainly if not PA). This isn't on you -- this cheating is ALL on her, and from the sounds of it, she's been wanting this for a long time. Blaming you is just her re-write of your marriage so that she can justify the cheating to herself.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

ellipsim said:


> Random side note for opinion:
> 
> I have a friend (was best friend) who is mutual to both of us. In this situation he actively convinced her to pursue separation without telling me so that I could do something about it. His position is that he "wants what is best for both of us" and "if she wasn't happy in the relationship then I wouldn't be happy either" Just want to confirm: I need to cut him out of my life, correct? I get that he had good intentions but his actions were not in line with what I view as friendship or helpful to my marriage.


Correct, this "friend" is no friend of yours if he active counselled her to leave and didn't talk to you about it. He is certainly no friend to your OR your marriage, and he may want to be more than a friend to your wife....


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

ellipsim said:


> Okay, true, but I can't cut everyone out... I need to make some new friends is what I need to do. Working on that. I need people that I can rely on who actually care about my best interest. Family will always be there, but my family is 3000 miles away. I need to build solid relationships locally that I can count on.
> 
> Anyone got advice for how to do this? Lol. Extremely introverted, I guess getting out of the house more is step 1.


You only need to look out for yourself. Join a gym and get a hobby. Take some cooking classes but get out there. It may seem awkward at first but it's just you're feelings.

Right now you don't need ****ty friends.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

So far i have to ay that your control of this situation is pathetic as best......you can't trust your wife, you can't what she is telling you, your getting no where with your in-laws, and you can't trust your friends....at this point arguing with us, has not made you any smarter...since you think you have all the answers and you don't want to listen to us...i wish you good luck because that is all you have left......frankly i would say that your body building powder has damaged your mind....You really need to grow up and file for divorce have her served at her parents house and tell her off....at least she will see you as a strong man rather than a weak man.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I can tell you what not to do ...

Don't beg and plead with her to take you back. It will only make you look weak and unattractive. The most attractive thing for you to do, is to move on. Get on with your life and be as happy as you can be. Be happiest around people that may be talking to her. Be happiest around her if you ever have to be near her. Fake it if you have to.

Move on. She will either realize what she gave up and want to come back or not. But you looking weak will ensure she never will want you back.

Be strong and move on.


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## ellipsim (Apr 18, 2018)

Marc878 said:


> You only need to look out for yourself. Join a gym and get a hobby. Take some cooking classes but get out there. It may seem awkward at first but it's just you're feelings.
> 
> Right now you don't need ****ty friends.


Agree 100%. Will do


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

eject! eject! eject!

You sir are on one story...And she is on another.

You think you have a relationship, she knows she doesn't. Pull the cord and bail out. You are good man, and you can be happy with someone who values you alot more..


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## ellipsim (Apr 18, 2018)

BarbedFenceRider said:


> eject! eject! eject!
> 
> You sir are on one story...And she is on another.
> 
> You think you have a relationship, she knows she doesn't. Pull the cord and bail out. You are good man, and you can be happy with someone who values you alot more..


Lol. Yeah. Time to stop denying. Everyone is right. I hate that it's taken me this long to realize, but I do now.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The only one that can keep you where you are is you.

Wallowing in infidelity won't get you anything except loss of respect for yourself and doormat status.

She's not worth it !!!!!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Marc878 said:


> He's a snake. Never was your friend and was probably looking to get some from her.
> 
> Cut him out permantley.


Indeed. Any man that talks about your marriage with your wife behind your back is not your friend.
A friend says: you need to discuss that with your husband, your marriage is not my business.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

SadSamIAm said:


> I can tell you what not to do ...
> 
> Don't beg and plead with her to take you back. It will only make you look weak and unattractive. The most attractive thing for you to do, is to move on. Get on with your life and be as happy as you can be. Be happiest around people that may be talking to her. Be happiest around her if you ever have to be near her. Fake it if you have to.
> 
> ...


That's perhaps the most difficult "good advice" to follow because it's counter-intuitive. The last thing anyone should hope for is that the spouse returns because they feel sorry for their miserable husband or wife. That would only temporarily soothe the misery and not bring any real or lasting happiness.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Find out all the OM and expose and rout them, become the alpha, put your body building to work for you.

Will make a nice story to tell your next relationship how you were a stand up guy in putting the OMs in their place.

Tamat


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