# Female honesty...if possible



## AverageJoe 1969 (Aug 29, 2013)

I'd like to pose a scenario for comment by the female members of the community, i'm not interested in 'good advice' the things you should do and feel. I'd just like an honest comment on the senario, which pokes at the general fundamental difference between men and women.
Here goes.
My wife had an affair with someone we both knew which went on for over a year. I found out about it and it supposedly stopped. I love my wife and always have and I didn't think she was the type of person to have an affair. I never felt unloved all the time she was having the affair and I don't now. The massive difference is before I assumed I was on her mind as she was on mine. Now I know something different to be true and she doesn't feel like she's mine anymore, its been nearly two years and I thought the anguish would ease but it hasn't. I still spend all my free mental time running over the bones of it, and frankly I think i've come to a decision to throw the towel in for my own mental healths sake.
The question: after being married for an amount of time and then engaging in a full blown affair for months, how can a woman possibly feel the same about the man they married without that OM lurking in the background.

Joe..


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I sounds like you're pretty bitter about "women" when you should be bitter about your wife and her behavior. Not all women are, or are even like, your wife. 

That said, I think it is possible for a spouse who has had an affair to eventually leave it behind them and stop thinking about/lusting after/dreaming of their affair partner. But that doesn't happen without some work on the cheating spouse's part. And the betrayed spouse certainly isn't capable of it without witnessing some serious work and hard, permanent, changes in their formerly wayward spouse's demeanor, actions and thoughts. Step one of getting to that point is ensuring that there is no further contact between the affair partners for life. 

So, what has your wife done to prove she's remorseful? What changes have occurred in your marriage that lead you to feel that there will be no further cheating? If you can't answer either of those with a long list of positive changes, then perhaps it's time to look into what your next steps should be. You don't have to reconcile with a cheating spouse. And even if you both try, it may not be successful. It certainly won't be successful if she isn't giving a 150% effort.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

It's hard to know how to answer that question without knowing more background. How did you find out about the A? How did it end? Was it a bitter break-up or sudden NC which was verifyiable by you?

IMO, without knowing anything about what happened, once the guilt sets in and the WS comes out of the fog and realizes the rainbows and unicorns were hallucinations, they begin to realize what they did and how UN-YOU their AP was, and can actually begin to see the AP for what they really were. The rose-colored glasses are no longer present and they can now see the warts, skid-marks, crusty toenails, and green teeth of the person they betrayed you with, and cannot believe they were with that person when they had you the whole time. If it's really over between them and she's telling you she feels nothing for him, she's probably pretty disgusted when she does have to think about him.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

AAAAKKK! I hate it when my fingers can't spell!


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I'm a female WW, I can only speak for myself: I feel much different about my husband today than I did before and during the EA. I also feel very different about our marriage. It's hard to put it in words and if pressed, I would say I NOW GET IT! I "get" my marriage, I "get" my boundaries, I "get" my husband, I "get" how we both are as individuals and combined as "ONE", I get "relationships", I get "life", I can see the bigger picture.

You asked for female honesty and here it is: the fallout of my EA has changed my life forever and for the better. I would do anything if that enlightenment wouldn't have come at the expense of my husband paying a heavy price.

I believe if I felt the same about my husband as I did before the EA, I wouldn't have learned a thing from what I did. How does your wife feel about you NOW as opposed to before the affair? Have you asked her?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

FourtyPlus said:


> I'm a female WW, I can only speak for myself: I feel much different about my husband today than I did before and during the EA. I also feel very different about our marriage. It's hard to put it in words and if pressed, I would say I NOW GET IT! I "get" my marriage, I "get" my boundaries, I "get" my husband, I "get" how we both are as individuals and combined as "ONE", I get "relationships", I get "life", I can see the bigger picture.
> 
> You asked for female honesty and here it is: the fallout of my EA has changed my life forever and for the better. I would do anything if that enlightenment wouldn't have come at the expense of my husband paying a heavy price.
> 
> I believe if I felt the same about my husband as I did before the EA, I wouldn't have learned a thing from what I did. How does your wife feel about you NOW as opposed to before the affair? Have you asked her?



Love it. And it's genuine.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Good post.

Your way of thinking is very common for the betrayed "She doesn't feel like she's mine anymore."

Totally normal to feel that way. The reason you feel that way is because she gave another man something that was yours, right? Herself. So this is where the feeling comes from. I told my exH that too. That he wasn't "mine" anymore and he assured me, he was (this was before our D) and I also told him "You gave her something that was mine."

So.

There is no easy way through this if you have decided to stick it out. The main this is she needs to have zero contact, completely and forever, with him. Like zilch. Nada. Nothing. 

Couples counseling is a good idea. So is communication. Tell her how you feel. Do not feel bad in telling her everything you are feeling. 

I wish you luck. It's a long hard road but if you guys do decide to stay together, know that many couples have been through this and come out on the other side.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

AverageJoe 1969 said:


> I'd like to pose a scenario for comment by the female members of the community, i'm not interested in 'good advice' the things you should do and feel. I'd just like an honest comment on the senario, which pokes at the general fundamental difference between men and women.
> Here goes.
> My wife had an affair with someone we both knew which went on for over a year. I found out about it and it supposedly stopped. I love my wife and always have and I didn't think she was the type of person to have an affair. I never felt unloved all the time she was having the affair and I don't now. The massive difference is before I assumed I was on her mind as she was on mine. Now I know something different to be true and she doesn't feel like she's mine anymore, its been nearly two years and I thought the anguish would ease but it hasn't. I still spend all my free mental time running over the bones of it, and frankly I think i've come to a decision to throw the towel in for my own mental healths sake.
> The question: after being married for an amount of time and then engaging in a full blown affair for months, how can a woman possibly feel the same about the man they married without that OM lurking in the background.
> ...


Hi Joe,

Sorry you're here, but you're making a HUGE mistake in one of your assumptions. You're assuming this is a "woman" thing. It's not. It's a CHEATER thing. WS, men or women, do the same thing. they compartmentalize. They have this ability in their mind to put the different components of their lives in little boxes and only think about and worry about said box at the time they're using it.

When they aren't "active" in that box, it's out of mind. I don't get it, I can't comprehend it, but I'm also not a cheater.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If you are having problems now-----and I don't know how old you are------but as you get into your golden years----the doubt/loneliness/visions-----they become huge

You are with your spouse 24/7/365---there is no work to go to---the kids come and visit, once in a while---you see your friends/neighbors----but the rest of the time YOU ARE WITH YOUR SPOUSE---there is nothing that is gonna interfere with that happening, as long as you both live

You will think more and more about the happenings of the past----it will come to you day after day---even tho you may had a decent R---earlier on----you were also active and participating in a different, but full lifestyle---the longing, the knowing, the visions---they are crowded out by activity------when you get deep into your retirement---it all comes to you, it haunts you day after day---for there really is nothing else

GET IT RESOLVED ONE WAY OR ANOTHER----the question should not be ----how can your spouse love you, while giving herself over to another------the question really needs to be---what do you do with your life, knowing the one person, in the whole world, who was to be yours and yours alone---gave herself, gladly/willingly/happily to another man----FULLY KNOWING WHAT SHE DID WAS GOING TO DESTROY YOU


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

You're asking the wrong group of people.

As Dad&Hubby said, you should be asking cheaters, not women.

I'm a woman, but I wouldn't have a clue how to answer your question, because I have never cheated. Why do you assume male cheaters and female cheaters respond differently?


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

AverageJoe 1969 said:


> My wife had an affair with someone we both knew which went on for over a year. I found out about it and it supposedly stopped.
> 
> ...how can a woman possibly feel the same about the man they married without that OM lurking in the background.


Over a year. It stopped only b/c you found out.

On your question...this is the kind of BS that I doubt I could get past, so if I'm ever in your shoes I'd likely nuke the marriage.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Probably because she loves/loved you as much as she wanted to. In other words, she looks out for herself. As long as you provide what makes her happy, she loves you and only you. When that no longer is enough, she keeps you for part of that, and steps outside the marriage for more.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Couples counseling is a good idea. So is communication.


I believe this is the biggest problem for you at this point. Reconciliation is extremely difficult without professional help (preferably a counselor who has experience with infidelity issues). You have SO much going on in your head, due to the trauma and grief of infidelity - and trying to keep it all bottled up inside isn't healthy for you as an individual, or for a couple, who will only have a good marriage if you feel close to each other and function as a "team."

Counseling will help you to communicate better in general, and specifically about the affair. Because it has to be dealt with in order for you to heal. If you try to rugsweep, it will only continue to eat you up inside. You can't move forward together unless you're more healed. You apparently have a lot of questions - some she may not be able to answer because even she doesn't know the answers - but you may have to ask them a few times, perhaps in the safety of a counselor's office. It's OK, yes, even necessary, to ask.

Have you read, NOT Just Friends by Shirley Glass? A really helpful book that helps people understand many of the reasons some people (has nothing to do with gender, as Dad&Hubby pointed out) are more vulnerable to affairs.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Robsia said:


> You're asking the wrong group of people.
> 
> As Dad&Hubby said, you should be asking cheaters, not women.
> 
> I'm a woman, but I wouldn't have a clue how to answer your question, because I have never cheated. Why do you assume male cheaters and female cheaters respond differently?


I agree that it should be directed at cheaters and mainly women cheaters, but I think he is asking the women as it seems to be on here (and within the community of counseling and self help marriage books) that there is an inherent difference in women cheating and why they do so as opposed to men. The ideal is that there is some sort of extra emotional bonding that takes place when a women cheats and a man is nothing more than like a dog in heat and thinks of nothing but the physical aspect without many emotions being involved. I am not saying I believe this, but it is the accepted norm about the differences between the male cheater and the female cheater.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

jnj express said:


> ----FULLY KNOWING WHAT SHE DID WAS GOING TO DESTROY YOU


"Oh, no it won't hurt them.. they won't know... and....

They don't really love me...

Our M is dead anyway...

It'll be good for the M, if I'm happy then I can make my spouse happy... "

Oh! Look at that, it's no longer going to destroy you, now it's helping you out.. they're doing you a favor!

A cheater not only lies to you, they lie to themselves..


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