# Had blow out fight with husband....



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

....about him being lazy about brushing his teeth...to me this is gross some times esp if we r in the Car I can smell bad breath when I comment on it he gets pissed off and says I am just looking for something to ***** about. It is like seriously a grown man has to be reminded to brush his teeth??? I mean spending 30 seconds brushing your teeth a couple times per week is not enough 

To me if I knew I did not brush my teeth for days would I be surprised if someone told me my breath stank!!!!

I guess my point here is where do u draw the line??? Is this an example of better or worse and I am supposed to just place a smile on my face and be like oh well so my husband's breath stinks and because I married him for better or worse not say anything???

I brush morning and night for two minutes each day..plus use mouthwash. A year ago I bought him an electric toothbrush with a timer on It, think he would use it...nopr it sat there collecting 
Dust. Instead he uses his manual brush that is probably years overdue to be replaced...so frustrating that a middle aged man needs to be reminded to brush his teeth then it leads to him getting mad that I am just looking for an excuse to ***** about something.

How do u handle this???
He always says I am just being a ***** and that he does brush!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Tonight before you go to bed eat some raw garlic and don’t brush your teeth or use any mouthwash. He will soon get the message.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He says he brushes. OK, tell him "Honey, since you brush your teeth and your breath is still off, then you may have a problem that the dentist needs to address. A dental infection can travel to the brain and kill you." That is exactly how Frank Winfield Woolworth of the five & dime stores died. Woolworth was scared to death of dentists and refused to get a dentist to fix his teeth.

Dental hygiene is no laughing matter.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

You married a disgusting pig if he's really going days without brushing at all. Don't be surprised when taking showers starts to become a thing of the past as well.

Sounds as though your man-child may have gingivitis or worse yet, full blown gum disease. Once plaque gets under the gum-line you're in big trouble if you don't get rid of it. 

Lastly, if he really IS brushing (the jury's still out on that one) then tell him to start brushing his tongue as far back into his mouth as he can - especially the top of it in the back. That's where lots of nasty germs like to settle.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

The thing is if it came from someone else I bet he would take it seriously but because it is me, I am just *****ing about something.

He does go to the dentist yearly for cleaning and he has gotten better at flossing partly because I started buying these soft picks prior to that he would never use regular string floss however flossing does not help with fresh breath.

I don't understand how he can get all pissed off at me when he knows that he has not brushed in a few days...seriously you think that you are that friggin special that your breath will not smell??

I think he does think that I am just saying his breath smells just to be a ***** and to complain about him...but not surprising he has always had this "he does nothing wrong" attitude. It just pisses me off, we are driving somewhere and when he talks I can smell it and right then my whole attitude changes.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Even as an avid brushed, my poor ******* upbringing failed to impart upon me the importance of flossing, and I would get bad breath.

My wife got me a bottle of Listerine for our first Christmas together. 

I havent missed a day of brushing _and_ flossing in 32 years.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I think I'm going to be sick...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Are you the poster whose husband came here whining because his wife didn't want to be intimate with him? It came out that the reason was because he was very lax in dental and body hygiene.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Even as an avid brushed, my poor ******* upbringing failed to impart upon me the importance of flossing, and I would get bad breath.
> 
> My wife got me a bottle of Listerine for our first Christmas together.
> 
> I havent missed a day of brushing _and_ flossing in 32 years.


Good for you! At least you realized. I buy a large bottle of mouthwash and keep it by the sink for myself you think that he would use it...I think that he thinks that he is the exception and he can get away with not brushing. He probably thinks that nobody else says anything so it is just her. The thing is most people that don't live with you are not going to say anything but they will be thinking it.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Are you the poster whose husband came here whining because his wife didn't want to be intimate with him? It came out that the reason was because he was very lax in dental and body hygiene.


Nope not me...H does not go on message board sites.

I might have to search out that thread


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

He is not lax with showering does that very regularly just something with brushing that he is lazy about...

Maybe growing up it was not obviously pushed not sure....

I feel like I am in a no win situation, as he is so convinced that I am lying about his breath. The thing is over the years the odd time he has brushed more regularly for a while it has been fine..even just brushing once per day makes a huge difference. but the moment you skip a day or two well of course it will stink.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Get yourself some of those paper masks that you wear when sanding things and keep one in your purse for the car. You can also refuse to ride in a car with him. He is not getting the message.

Also, have a chat with the dentist and ask him to impress upon your husband the importance of brushing, flossing, tongue scraping and mouth rinse every single day. Twice yearly cleanings are standard. 

E-mail him some images of people with gum disease because that is what he is flirting with.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Seriously, what exactly would your motivation BE to just be bytching about his breath?? That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard, he says that to deflect having to accept blame here. 

My second husband was not a brusher either. It took me a bit to figure it out after we started seeing each other. (his breath was never bad like what you are describing!) When I finally realized he rarely if ever brushed, I asked him about it, and he said that his teeth were so bad it was painful to brush. Now, most of his teeth from the front few back were awful from before we even got together, so I had no way to know if they really were just bad, or if they got that way from him not brushing. His top front four were a partial, had been that way since they got knocked out when he was a teenager. Luckily he was almost obsessive about chewing minty sugarless gum because he was self conscious about it all.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> Seriously, what exactly would your motivation BE to just be bytching about his breath?? That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard, he says that to deflect having to accept blame here.
> 
> My second husband was not a brusher either. It took me a bit to figure it out after we started seeing each other. (his breath was never bad like what you are describing!) When I finally realized he rarely if ever brushed, I asked him about it, and he said that his teeth were so bad it was painful to brush. Now, most of his teeth from the front few back were awful from before we even got together, so I had no way to know if they really were just bad, or if they got that way from him not brushing. His top front four were a partial, had been that way since they got knocked out when he was a teenager. Luckily he was almost obsessive about chewing minty sugarless gum because he was self conscious about it all.


 Because he thinks in his head that he does nothing wrong ever! So in his mind this is me just being negative toward him.

I just don't understand that when youknow that you haven't brushed your teeth say in two days and then someone says stinky breath, why would you be surprised or like him get all pissed off? I think because bad breath cannot really be smelled by the person with it that maybe their is some denial. I have over the years noticed it in an odd coworker or two and I often think yep another lazy brusher, but with a coworker I think who cares but when it is your spouse it is different.

It is hard to think okay he is my husband so that is okay if his breath stinks. I remember one time about 7 or 8 years ago and we went to some store and it was so bad he was talking to a salesperson I could smell it and I was about 6 feet away, I felt so embarrassed because I thought they could probably smell it too and then what are they thinking that I am like that too??

I think I will just keep Clorets in the car and offer to him. I hate to say it but can't see him all of a sudden using mouth wash and being diligent about brushing.

I grew up with a dad who had dentures but at least he kept them clean and used mouthwash and nobody had to nag him to do it..so it is odd to me that someone has to be nagged and or it results in a fight with us not talking.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

highwood said:


> ....about him being lazy about brushing his teeth...to me this is gross some times esp if we r in the Car I can smell bad breath when I comment on it he gets pissed off and says I am just looking for something to ***** about. It is like seriously a grown man has to be reminded to brush his teeth??? I mean spending 30 seconds brushing your teeth a couple times per week is not enough
> 
> To me if I knew I did not brush my teeth for days would I be surprised if someone told me my breath stank!!!!
> 
> ...



Perhaps it is the way you approach the situation? My W will calmly say, "Your breath is strong. Here is a Tic Tac." And let me tell you, sitting next to a dude who just had garlic crazy Italian food I can relate. 

Anyway, I have found Listerine is the one best product to reduce bad breath. It does take care of odor causing bacteria as well as gum issues. I brush with it and then brush with toothpaste. 

If you H still sits on his thumbs thinking his breath does not stink, stop kissing.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

highwood said:


> He is not lax with showering does that very regularly just something with brushing that he is lazy about...
> 
> Maybe growing up it was not obviously pushed not sure....
> 
> I feel like I am in a no win situation, as he is so convinced that I am lying about his breath. The thing is over the years the odd time he has brushed more regularly for a while it has been fine..even just brushing once per day makes a huge difference. but the moment you skip a day or two well of course it will stink.


I would think his gums are bleeding when your H does brush if not brushing on the regular. The bleeding gums issue is a cause for bad breath. 

At this juncture, if you H still refuses to brush, wait until a rotten tooth decides to crack and expose a root. You can say then, "I told you so." 

Stop the kissing and advise your H why. You don't kiss trash cans.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> He says he brushes. OK, tell him "Honey, since you brush your teeth and your breath is still off, then you may have a problem that the dentist needs to address. A dental infection can travel to the brain and kill you." That is exactly how Frank Winfield Woolworth of the five & dime stores died. Woolworth was scared to death of dentists and refused to get a dentist to fix his teeth.
> 
> Dental hygiene is no laughing matter.


Poor dental hygiene can also result in heart disease. 

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/expert-answers/heart-disease-prevention/faq-20057986


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

highwood said:


> He is not lax with showering does that very regularly just something with brushing that he is lazy about...
> 
> Maybe growing up it was not obviously pushed not sure....
> 
> I feel like I am in a no win situation, as he is so convinced that I am lying about his breath. The thing is over the years the odd time he has brushed more regularly for a while it has been fine..even just brushing once per day makes a huge difference. but the moment you skip a day or two well of course it will stink.


Unless... is he on the Autistic Spectrum?

Some people on the ASD spectrum cannot abide things in their mouth, including toothbrushes.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Poor dental hygiene can also result in heart disease.
> 
> https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/expert-answers/heart-disease-prevention/faq-20057986


Absolutely! 

But H is not the type of guy that pays attention to those kind of things..I think he tends to think that well if nothing has happened to this point then all good.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Unless... is he on the Autistic Spectrum?
> 
> Some people on the ASD spectrum cannot abide things in their mouth, including toothbrushes.


No not at all, just laziness!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How many other things do you guys argue about? How many things a month do you mention that he needs to do?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Personally, I think that's absolutely disgusting, and couldn't' be with someone who didn't brush his teeth on a regular basis. Do you still kiss him? I think that if it were me dealing with someone like that, I would sit them down and kindly explain to them that oral hygiene is not only important for his overall health, but for the health of the relationship and intimacy. I'm not sure how you can kindly tell a person that their breath is atrocious, but I'd recommend doing this. Maybe he just really doesn't get the impact that it's having. 

My XH had rotten breath, but it wasn't because he didn't brush; he did. He has post nasal drip ALL the time, and his breath smelled like rubber ALL the time (and he's a mouth breather). It was gag-worthy. There wasn't a helluva lot he could do, so I just held my own breath if he talked to me face to face, or I breathed through my mouth.

You're not being a ***** about this; this is gross, and if it's just laziness, there's absolutely no excuse for it.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Ursula said:


> Personally, I think that's absolutely disgusting, and couldn't' be with someone who didn't brush his teeth on a regular basis. Do you still kiss him? I think that if it were me dealing with someone like that, I would sit them down and kindly explain to them that oral hygiene is not only important for his overall health, but for the health of the relationship and intimacy. I'm not sure how you can kindly tell a person that their breath is atrocious, but I'd recommend doing this. Maybe he just really doesn't get the impact that it's having.
> 
> My XH had rotten breath, but it wasn't because he didn't brush; he did. He has post nasal drip ALL the time, and his breath smelled like rubber ALL the time (and he's a mouth breather). It was gag-worthy. There wasn't a helluva lot he could do, so I just held my own breath if he talked to me face to face, or I breathed through my mouth.
> 
> ...


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

While I do wonder if you are a bit OCD on this, I did just order a toothbrush with a timer. I have to admit that I'm a one a day brusher, Last year I tried to up it to 2x per day and my dental hygienist said it helped. But I've never timed my brushing, I do know that my wife brushes much longer than I do. I'm thinking the timmer will at least give me an idea of how I am doing.

The reason I'm bothering to post is I have an idea that might help. I tooth brush in the shower (which is why it's hard to change to 2x / day) But having it right there in the shower reminds me every morning. I am also in charge of changing out heads on the electric toothbrushes so, I'm up on updating the toothbrush as well. I have them on a subscription with amazon So I have a built in reminder to change them when the new heads arrive.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Honestly, this is just a matter of boundaries. Your boundary needs to be that you won't be intimate - or even sit close to - a man with bad breath. His dental health is HIS problem. But your having to smell the bad breath is yours, so your boundary needs to be: You don't fix the bad breath, I don't provide intimacy and, if you try, my consequence is going to be that I move away on the couch, leave the car, don't give sex. 

Now, if he's so far gone that he doesn't even care about any of that stuff, you have a whole other issue. But if he still expects to sit near you or have sex, this is your leverage. You already know nagging doesn't work, so stop doing it. Set up your boundary, inform him of it, and then go about your life.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Mr. Nail said:


> While I do wonder if you are a bit OCD on this, I did just order a toothbrush with a timer. I have to admit that I'm a one a day brusher, Last year I tried to up it to 2x per day and my dental hygienist said it helped. But I've never timed my brushing, I do know that my wife brushes much longer than I do. I'm thinking the timmer will at least give me an idea of how I am doing.
> 
> The reason I'm bothering to post is I have an idea that might help. I tooth brush in the shower (which is why it's hard to change to 2x / day) But having it right there in the shower reminds me every morning. I am also in charge of changing out heads on the electric toothbrushes so, I'm up on updating the toothbrush as well. I have them on a subscription with amazon So I have a built in reminder to change them when the new heads arrive.


I hear you! I don't care about the two minute timer, that is more my thing. I don't care even if he brushed for 30 seconds but at least once per day. 

I love the timer on my ORal B, it definently made me realize that I was brushing too short prior.

Sometimes I admit during my morning brushing, I will only do it for a minute but always two minute at night.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

And I'll add like someone else said either refuse to ride in the car with him or at the very least make a huge point of rolling down every single window.

My fiance smokes and it stinks. It's a huge deal for me. He makes it a point to brush before he kisses me and of course before he comes to bed at night or before we have sex. He always has mints in his pocket and in his car. I once told him I found it gross that he doesn't brush his teeth immediately when he gets out of bed every morning (I do. It's gross otherwise who wants to go around with morning breath for one second more than necessary? Gross.) It's less stinky, sure, but it still stinks. I mean, he's got tar and nicotine build up in his body. It's gonna stink regardless. He needs to quit smoking. It's gross.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

turnera said:


> Honestly, this is just a matter of boundaries. Your boundary needs to be that you won't be intimate - or even sit close to - a man with bad breath.* His dental health is HIS problem. But your having to smell the bad breath is yours, so your boundary needs to be: You don't fix the bad breath, I don't provide intimacy and, if you try, my consequence is going to be that I move away on the couch, leave the car, don't give sex. *
> 
> Now, if he's so far gone that he doesn't even care about any of that stuff, you have a whole other issue. But if he still expects to sit near you or have sex, this is your leverage. You already know nagging doesn't work, so stop doing it. Set up your boundary, inform him of it, and then go about your life.


This. You cannot change him. You can only control you. So instead of trying to control of change what HE does, you control what YOU accept. And not accepting means moving away, not lecturing or talking or demanding.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

highwood said:


> ... he thinks in his head that he does nothing wrong ever!


You've mentioned ^^this^^ several times. Granted, his lack of good oral hygiene is downright disgusting, but I think there are a lot more problems plaguing your marriage if this is his stance.

So butt breath thinks he's always right. Have you considered IC? Sounds to me like you are in dire need of boundary-setting. Since he doesn't see his stinky mouth as a problem, it's up to you to decide how YOU will deal with this. Doesn't sound like he's going to change.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Ugh, that is just plain nasty. I would refuse to ride in a car with him, sleep in a bed with him, or sit next to him watching TV - until he brushes his teeth. That's just gross!


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

That is so disgusting. I can't imagine being married to someone so filthy. 

No matter how nice a person is, if they have bad breath, I can barely have a conversation with them, because when they open their mouth, the bad smell comes out.

But to have to live with and sleep next to someone with a trash can for a mouth?? Gross! I hope he never expects you to make love with him.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Listen, one of my dearest friends was poorly raised. Dental hygiene was not on his moms list of things she wanted done. Over the years his breath and health deteriorated. Last spring he had a major myocardial infarction, the cause was traced back to his teeth. Part of his treatment plan was full excision. (They we’re all rotten). He will never adapt to dentures, so 10k at least for implants. Four minutes a day could have saved him from this.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

That is disgusting. And stupid. 

If I'm remembering your story correctly (and apologies if I'm not), didn't your husband have an AP? I wonder if he brushed for her (if I'm even right about there being an AP) or if this is a life-long pattern that he just doesn't brush for anyone.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I want to add that you repeatedly say your husband calls you the b-word or that you are "botching" about his bad breath issue.

Again, I want you to think about this, because the issue(s) here are about a helluva lot more than his stinking mouth. Frankly, he sounds downright abusive and mean.

So what are you getting out of this relationship besides being called the b-word frequently and having to smell his rotten breath???? Seriously.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And is that what you thought you were getting when you got married, or did it get worse once you got married?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You could organise a visit to the dentist for him to get them properly cleaned, and maybe they'll talk to him about the importance of brushing etc. I wouldn't generally suggest a woman take on organising appointments for her spouse (I've been down that rabbit hole), but at least one might be a good idea.

I've also been accused of nagging etc when I've tried to discuss things, and it's a way to shut you up instead of being able to actually talk about issues. It ends up that you stop talking to them about anything upsetting you, and actively practice avoidance. Not a good way to deal with things either. I think you need to think about seeking marriage counselling for the communication issues.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

You know I finally had to organize an appointment with a dentist for my wife. She has great benefits and we are fully covered for 2 visits a year. She works a difficult schedule but always has Monday and Tuesday available. I found a dentist with odd hours but she never made the appointment. Finally I just called my dentist, whose office is a 50 minute drive, and set her an appointment. I put the reminder on the fridge. They won her over. Since then I haven't had to worry about it.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

That is just gross. Yuck. I wouldn't be kissing him either :|




MattMatt said:


> Unless... is he on the Autistic Spectrum?
> 
> Some people on the ASD spectrum cannot abide things in their mouth, including toothbrushes.


Then he needs to work with an OT or overcome it by himself. My daughter is ASD and had these issues, this was something I really had to push with her and force her to do. It's about her health. She's now overcome it. I wouldn't say she enjoys cleaning her teeth, but she accepts that its something she has to do.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

frusdil said:


> That is just gross. Yuck. I wouldn't be kissing him either :|
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Exactly the same with my wife. It is doable.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Thumbs up on the timed toothbrush. But, I did find that there are some spots in my mouth that are very ticklish.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

He knows this aggravates you and is offensive, so he seems to be making a stand--no good reason in his mind to change. You are not that important to him, nor is his health.

Another thought: after years of poor oral hygiene, he likely has other issues which contribute to the strength of the issue. Gingivitis, tonsil stones, tooth decay, etc. are possible. Tonsil stones are formed when debris, such as dead cells, food, and other substances, become trapped on the tonsils. The debris turns hard, forming tonsil stones. Sometimes called tonsil calculi or tonsilloliths, tonsil stones can sometimes irritate the tonsils and the throat. The smell is putrid.


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