# Having a real hard time...



## Twisted Guts (Apr 27, 2009)

Hi... I guess I'm here looking for some feed back. I'm not sure where to start so I just will... My wife and I have known eachother since 1992ish. We had ALWAYS been the best of friends and it carried on until late 1999 when we took it to the next level. My wife and her two children came to live with me at the beginning of 2000 where we lived in harmony until our pregnancy with our daughter. (This is, of course, coming from my head and is MY interpretaion of our story) During the pregnancy, my wife underwent what was to me, and very tiring time. I had never gone through pregnancy and had no clue what to expect. We continued having sex throughout the duration, but as she spent alot of time resting and sleeping, which I was ok with me as I knew not what to expect from a pregnant woman, I did not want to wake her with my sexual needs as I could take care of them myself. I began to use the internet for pornography late at night when she was asleep. I was not addicted to it as she thinks, nor did I ever download anything. It was merely a stimulation device. She caught me, and I lied about it. I should not have but unfortunatly did. Our problems started there. As time went on, so did my use of porn. I has never and does not replace sex with my wife as I MUCH prefer a second person over my hand. She does not think the same even though we've used it in our marriage under HER suggestion. She will not believe me when I tell her my feelings on it. It is something that I've given up in the past. I have NEVER, nor WOULD never say no to my wife becuase I wasn't in the mood. I'm usually in the mood. Life went on as did her job as a waitress in a small town bar. She began to have later nights and stranger excuses for being late. About a year later it was brought to my attention that she was seeing another man on the side. Things went from not so great to worse. We saw councillors and vowed to fix it. We sold our house and moved to a bigger city where she again took on the role of a barmaid. Since the first affair I've pleaded with her to get out of that business, but due to her persistence and love for the job, it eventually won. we have been in and out so many times in our marriage, I've honestly lost track. We've been separated numerous time because of her alcoholism, my so called emotional abandonment, her affair, fighting, her hospitalisation for a mental/mood disorder (twice), her cocaine use........ We've now come into the new year, moving into a bigger home for our family, and things have again been brought to my attention from another outside party. She is again having an affair with the same man as before, meeting him out of town or here in town when I am away with work. (Which I will add that when out of town I have used porn again and she knows about it. As I said before, it's a stimulation thing, not a fantasy one as I'm older now, it doesn't jump up on demand. I never use it at home.)Since moving to this city, turns out she's been in contact randonly with him and has seen him numerous times in the last 5 years. I have now found out the truth from her concerning now AND the truth I never heard from the last time, and I'm emotionally crushed. She HAS slept with him altogether probably at LEAST a half a dozen times since the beginning. She says it's more of a buddy thing and they only ever have drunk or stoned on cocaine sex. I really don't know how, but We're talking of fixing this again. She has never been able to see the things I do to show my love and it's becoming a real issue with my feelings. I'm supposed to SHOW her, but in return she won't see it. I'm so emotionally raw over this and have told her that for my brain to give anything back, she's going to have to show remorse and show ME that it's me she really wants. The biggest way for me to feel that is for her to be a touchy feely person. I feel love from physical contact more so than someone making me cookies. I've always been like that and have always told her that. But she says she can't do that till I show her love. We're at a stalemate. While I feel she won't give me what I need out of mostly stubborness, my heart won't just let go of all I've found out about the past 6 years about 3 and a half weeks ago. I'm not an angel, but I would never cheat on my partner. I don't know where to go or what to do anymore. There is more to our story, but I think that's the jist of it.... Any input would be most appreciated!! Thanx.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

i'm relieved your wife only cheated on you when she ''have (sic) drunk or stoned on cocaine sex."

thank goodness she didn't cheat on you when sober.

the kindest observation i'll share is this: neither of you have any idea how to conduct yourself in a marriage and i am surprised and amazed that, based on what you've posted, you have the emotional wherewithal to post here at all. so i must be missing something, because you did.

i really don't intend what i said to sound as harsh as it may; i apologize for my lack of communication skills to state it more accurately in the caring way i intend.

i suspect you're bargaining with each other the best you both can out of fear and anger to further your individual agendas.


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## Twisted Guts (Apr 27, 2009)

It hasn't been such a mess as it seems... Or maybe it has... I know I love her and I try to show her everyday, but she just won't see it for what my actions mean in my heart. I kind of went on about my porn thing I guess to give a little credibility to my wife, but this affair that's has been pursude for so long now is just eating away at me... All of the lies about when and where. And who. Her lying to her friends and dragging them into her lies just devistates me. I don't really know what she's capable of anymore!! How much of the past 6 years of my life has been deceit? How easy is it now for her to deceive me? Is there ever to be trust again between us? I just don't know where to go from here...... I'm just sick to my stomach........ Thank you for your input though........


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## daddymikey1975 (Apr 18, 2009)

twisted.. Granted I don't know the whole situation, however, kids have no place being around cocaine use at all.. that's first and foremost.

secondly, after 6 yrs of lies and deceit.. cut your losses, and be a father to your child. she obviously cares for the other guy way too much. she won't quit the type of work that allows distractions such as this which is important to you. she doesn't care abuout you.. 
AND you dont care about her. if you did, you'd sacrifice your porn obsession whether you're home, or away. if you both dont have any trust, then you have no foundation to build on.

sorry if this seems blunt but you should cut bait.


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## reidqa01 (Apr 26, 2009)

Daddy,

Not blunt at all, truthful is more appliable word.

And agree with cocaine usage and kids.


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## daddymikey1975 (Apr 18, 2009)

reidqa01 said:


> Daddy,
> 
> Not blunt at all, truthful is more appliable word.
> 
> And agree with cocaine usage and kids.


sometimes people associate truth and emotion and come up with bluntness and turn a closed ear.

I was merely offering the 'apology' as a defense mechanism reducer LOL.. 

I have 4 children in my house and these things would definitely not stand.. not for a day.

I hope this helps 
mike


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