# fantasizing about someone else during sex: ok or not?



## fix this (Nov 14, 2012)

First of all, sorry if a thread like this already exists, i haven't been too active on the forum lately so i wasn't sure. Have you ever done it? Is it normal in long-term relationships, or degrading to your partner? Would it bother you if you knew your partner did it? What do you think? Both male and female opinions welcome.

Now, I know most of us have those certain mental images that turn us on. I wonder if focusing on them in order to climax, even though they might be of another man/woman, is all that bad. If you look at it in an unbiased way, it's all about simple reflexes, especially if one used that image in their head for a while. Would you be upset if your partner did that? Is it any different than thinking and pretending to be with someone else?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

None of us have any control over what our partners think about during sex.

This is one of those questions you have to be sure that you want to know the answer. If you don't want to know what your partner's answer is then don't ask. 

I think it's normal to a degree if it's done once in a while. According to magazines and television programs (if you trust those), people think about others during sex. However, if you're doing it often then it's not a good sign for your relationship.

Even though many people here will likely say it's a horrible thing to do, I think a lot of people probably do it.


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

I think a lot of people do it too. 

If be upset to know that it had to happen EVERY time in order for my partner to climax, but once in a while I think is normal. 

I've tried it before just to see if I COULD do it - and I couldn't! I was terrified of saying a different name, or Lord knows what else. It was more of a hassle as it really broke my concentration.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

I believe it's probably normal, but it seems to me that if you're always thinking about someone else during sex, you aren't really present in the moment, and says something about the quality of your connection with your partner.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I would never ask my husband who or what he thinks about during sex, Like Coffee Amore said, this is a question you really don't want to know the answer to. If I was ever asked, and I can say for certain he wouldn't, I would evade then make something up.


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

How about this? I actually fantasized about my wife while I masturbated while we were still married. I was THAT into her. She wasn't into me though....


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I guess I am a perv. Never considered doing it period. If I am having sex with someone ... they are my focus. I am not thinking about anyone else.

Is it a bad idea? I suspect it is a bad idea. But that is not my point. Right or wrong? idunno. Seems kinda sad. I suppose if I was not into the person I was with I could understand.

I also think calling out someone elses name could be distracting. 

If you call out mom or sis that is a whole other deal.

I did not answer this question form the point of view of what my partner thinks. I suppose that was the question. I answered it from my perspective. 

Many guys would not care but I really do not want a woman riding me thinking about someone else.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I'm guilty of doing it. It usually happens after I see a really steamy sex scene in a movie or something. I then find myself replaying that scene while we do stuff.


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## jay_gatsby (Jun 4, 2013)

Coffee Amore said:


> None of us have any control over what our partners think about during sex.
> 
> This is one of those questions you have to be sure that you want to know the answer. If you don't want to know what your partner's answer is then don't ask.
> 
> ...


Just remember, though they are fantasizing (that is what it is) about someone else, they are doing it with you. Is it better they do that, than act on it and do it with the fantasy person?


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

jay_gatsby said:


> Just remember, though they are fantasizing (that is what it is) about someone else, they are doing it with you. Is it better they do that, than act on it and do it with the fantasy person?


I don't think that's necessarily true - especially if it happens every. single. time. 

Then it's kind of like, why even bother? It's degrading to your partner IMHO. 

I'm okay with once in a blue moon, as someone mentioned above - imagining my SO would be thinking of a steamy sex scene. That would be tolerable for me. 

But if he were always having to fantasize or be fixated on one particular person, etc. every time, then I don't think that's healthy for either person involved.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I have never done this. I'm too into my H. Now that I'm 33 week pregnant it not so hot and steamy anymore we just doing it to be close to each other. But I do fantasize a LOT but it's only about our past sex scenes. 

I would be devastated to find out if my H did this. ICBW but from the pillow talk he do I don't think he does. He seems too in to whatever he doing to me at the time. And I notice when he travel he always oack the boudoir photo book of me that I gave him.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I presume that some amount of this is probably normal from time to time for many people. 

However, speaking as a woman who became very aware that her husband was continually, and eventually rather obviously, thinking of one particular other person during sex....it's absolutely soul destroying. If you can't be in the moment with the person you're actually having sex with, it's time to be honest with yourself and your partner. 

Once in a while thinking of random hot stranger/celebrity? Fine. Continually using your committed partner as a tool to help you get off while you focus on thoughts of another person? Not okay.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I fantasize actively during sex.Mostly it's about him but sometimes other anonymous people pop into my mind and I roll with it.

It's never one person and the odd part is they usually don't have a face that I can clearly imagine.Just the body and what it's doing to me.


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## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

I believe a certain amount of fantasizing is normal and healthy and can actually improve one's sex life. Again, as most have said here, it shouldn't get out of control.

I have done it a few times.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> I guess I am a perv. Never considered doing it period. If I am having sex with someone ... they are my focus. I am not thinking about anyone else.
> 
> Is it a bad idea? I suspect it is a bad idea. But that is not my point. Right or wrong? idunno. Seems kinda sad. I suppose if I was not into the person I was with I could understand.
> 
> ...


Well I'm a perv too then.

I have tried it as I read about it on here but within seconds my mind goes back to my wife and what we are doing.

When I was younger and had a lot of trouble with PE I used to sometimes try and think about ugly (to me) women from soaps on tv to hold back finishing.

What I have fantasised about, and it was my way of dealing with a post that sickened me was my wife arriving with someone else and I 'steal' her off him.

Perhaps that makes me a sick perv, I dunno.


ETA, I voted it's probably normal but not thrilled.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Would this include reading or watching about sex and then getting all revved up? If so, then I think allot of women are in trouble for reading 50 shades. And allot of men for watching porn. Just saying...
_Posted via Mobile Device_

P. s. I'm guilty of a good hump after a good read, and a great hump after a steamy watch.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I fantasize actively during sex.Mostly it's about him but sometimes other anonymous people pop into my mind and I roll with it....


Ditto.

I think people's concerns on this topic seem a little neurotic. It reminds me of a much earlier developmental stage: Seems like kids at age 8, 10, 12, 14? (don't exactly remember) after standing at the top of a cliff or a tall building start wonder what it would feel like to jump. Or when holding a knife wonder what it would feel like to stab themselves. Then for quite a while they get all upset thinking there must be something really wrong with themselves for having even thought such a thought.

I recall talking to lots of people who'd similarly recalled having had such a little neurotic incident when I was significantly older than that, but vastly younger than I am now. So many people's overstated concerns on the topic of this thread suddenly reminded me of this.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I suspect fantasizing about someone other than your partner while in the act is something that happens to most people on a rare occasion. I also suspect that most people would be hurt on some level knowing their partner has done it. I think in most cases it should be don't ask, don't tell. Intellectually, we know it happens, we just don't want to hear about it because once the words are spoken, it becomes real, and there is no way to take it back.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Is it really about the someone else or about the scenario you build in your mind? If the latter, there is an opportunity to increase closeness with your spouse by turning those situations toward him or her.

If it is really is about the someone else I think it is damaging to the relationship . Fantasy, like play, is preparing for something in real life. if you are training your mind to be focused on someone else you will begin to lose attraction for your spouse . that's not healthy for a good marriage . and it would be very hurtful if the spouse recognized what was happening .

I guess fantasizing about someone else is really taking the easy way out . it's more about getting off rather than increasing intimacy . there is also an element of dishonesty in it .

I voted middle of the road but the more I think about it the less okay I am with it . its a growth opportunity not taken .

it seems like nothing is really a simple as it seems . however normal or common something is doesn't mean it's the best course of action . it doesn't really justify a behavior that hasn't been examined fully. I mean is it ever okay to do something even in your mind that would hurt your spouse ? Fleeting thoughts are one thing. Fantasizing about someone is an action and a choice.

Kind of frustrating that life is so full of moral and ethical questions. It takes a lot of effort and CPU to process. Then it takes will and effort to stay true. No wonder most people don't get enough sleep!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Omgitsjoe (Oct 1, 2012)

Fantasizing about another person IMHO is normal as long as it isnt each and every time one has intimacy with his/her significant spouse ?? I do it every so often and I'd be very surprised if my wife told me she never did  ?? 

Sometimes one needs a simple " change " and/or someone may had sparked a little fire that evening ......... hey if im benefiting from that spark who am i to complain ahem ahem !?!?


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

I'm perfectly OK with the idea that my wife may be fantasizing about someone else during sex, but I don't think I want to know that she is doing it, nor who/what she is thinking about if it isn't about me.

It's sort of like sausage, I enjoy eating it, but I don't want to know how it is made.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

keeper63 said:


> It's sort of like sausage, I enjoy eating it, but I don't want to know how it is made.


:rofl::iagree:


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

bestyet2be said:


> Ditto.
> 
> *I think people's concerns on this topic seem a little neurotic.* It reminds me of a much earlier developmental stage: Seems like kids at age 8, 10, 12, 14? (don't exactly remember) after standing at the top of a cliff or a tall building start wonder what it would feel like to jump. Or when holding a knife wonder what it would feel like to stab themselves. Then for quite a while they get all upset thinking there must be something really wrong with themselves for having even thought such a thought.
> 
> I recall talking to lots of people who'd similarly recalled having had such a little neurotic incident when I was significantly older than that, but vastly younger than I am now. So many people's overstated concerns on the topic of this thread suddenly reminded me of this.


I think people who fantasize about other people while having sex with their spouse is a little neurotic.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

ScarletBegonias said:


> It's never one person and the odd part is they usually don't have a face that I can clearly imagine.Just the body and what it's doing to me.


This is me too. I don't fantasize about a specific person, I just fantasize about random situations. The person or people involved don't really have an "identity". Does that make it wrong? I dunno.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I think it's humorous how women view the scenario vs the person fantasy differently. Women get turned on by the scenarios often and are trying to justify it, compared to the men who get turned on by appearance. It's the same thing. You cannot justify one over the other. Women and men have different methods of arousal, but it's still a visual act if you fantasize you are with another person wether it be from a movie or the hottie down the street. Just saying
_Posted via Mobile Device_

Personally I could care less what is making my H in the mood. Seeing him turned on, turns me on. And I get the benefit.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

I honestly don't care if she fantasizes about some one else, as long as it is not her former EA. I don't care if she tells me who it is. We are pretty secure in how we feel.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> I think people who fantasize about other people while having sex with their spouse is a little neurotic.


OKaaaaaaaaayyyyy...... Well, just be very careful that whatever happens, don't ever, ever, ever think of a white bear while you're in the presence of your husband. 

Ironic process theory - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

"Social psychologist Daniel Wegner and his colleagues first studied thought suppression in a laboratory setting in 1987 by instructing participants to avoid all thoughts of a white bear. The typical finding in such experiments is that suppressing thoughts of a white bear causes the frequent return of such thoughts, sometimes even yielding a tendency to obsess about the very thought that is being suppressed...."


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

bbdad said:


> I honestly don't care if she fantasizes about some one else, as long as it is not her former EA. I don't care if she tells me who it is. We are pretty secure in how we feel.


But, if she's fantasizing about him, and doesn't tell you, you won't know.... yet, she'd still be doing it. See the problem there? People keep saying it's wrong to police someone's thoughts... but if SAYING "I don't care who it is, as long as it's not her EA", then you would be policing her thoughts regarding fantasies. Even better (or worse, if you see it that way)? She could lie and say she was fantasizing about some other guy... one you would be ok with. And you would be none the wiser. Again, see the problem with this particular thought process? How can you say "I don't care who it is, as long as it's not Mr. EA"? You can't be certain it ISN'T him, no matter what she may or may not say.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

If picturing a certain scene from a porno I've seen that was very hott and kinky during sex with my wife is the crime then........I'm guilty as charged at least 10 times or more.


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## marko (Jul 22, 2013)

when you are in a long term relationship with somebody and the sex is pretty standard fare the majority of the time your mind will wander . that is normal. 

we are secure enough that we tell each other almost everything. if I have a sexy dream I tell her about it, it turns her on LOTS to hear about them. sometimes she can tell when I wake up with morning wood. 

there have been a few guys that she has fantasized about and I bring it into the bedroom for her, we make up fantasies, she tells me what she has masturbated to that day and sometimes she knows I am thinking about another woman with us or any combination of scenarios.

heck I write erotica for her(us) with both of our fantasies written into them. she really likes them a lot. she knows it is a window into what turns me on and that turns her on as well. 


I understand why some people would think it is cheating on their mates but it is better than some folks that do not share and go out and have extra marital affairs to find out about others.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I used to, but our sex life is way better now, and she's just SO perfect. I've never felt like this before, and I searched high and low...


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## Silvr Surfer (Sep 25, 2013)

This is a question I'd never ask my wife. It's probably normal for someone else to creep into thoughts from time to time. Bodies without faces, etc.


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## DesertRat (May 1, 2012)

I've never fantasized about another person during sex. Once a naked woman who's at least of average attraction is in front of me i can't really think of anything else.

I suspect this is more common for women to do than men? I voted it's probalby normal, but i can rationalize it.


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## omgitselaine (Sep 5, 2013)

Umm guilty as charged 

Doesn't happen often but omg when that cute doctor comes to visit his patients on my floor ohh myy


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