# Non verbal communication



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

How much of your marital communication is non verbal? How well do you read hers and how effective are you in utilizing yours? 

Humor me here in my definition. I am defining non verbal in a non standard way. My definition is everything except the words themselves. So non verbal for me means:
- tone of voice and volume
- rate of speech including noticeable pauses
- facial expression 
- body language 

For instance, we are friends with a married couple. We both like both of the people. The wife is more alpha than the H. Sometimes she talks over me. I like her, and but don't like that behavior. When she does it, I simply add a noticeable pause to my response. She immediately grasps the meaning and stops talking over me. 

It is non verbal, low impact and highly effective.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Absolutely MEM. A picture (body language) speaks a thousand words and while it’s relatively easy to tell lies and deceive with the spoken word it’s not so easy with body language. So the truth is likely to be in the body language.

I also think on “behaviour over time”. This is like the guy not getting sex with his wife for months yet she keeps saying there’s no problem. Hey guess what, her behaviour over time speaks of a massive problem which for one reason or another she’s not going to voice.


I think most men are blind to body language as we get so caught up in the words being spoken and our ego based responses to those words. This is where I think women have a distinct advantage because their brain is wired differently which enables multitasking.

For example women can observe what’s going on and at the same time actively participate in what’s going on. With http://www.amazon.co.uk/Awareness-A...5192/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1346613803&sr=8-1 it teaches us how to use our observer consciousness, I think this comes natural to women and men have to work on it. It’s like multitasking between our ego mind consciousness and our observer consciousness.

While we’re so caught up in our ego mind consciousness it’s simply not possible to take note of what’s going on with the body language. At least I have trouble listening to and trying to interpret the spoken word while at the same time watch and interpret the body language.



It’s interesting you should bring this up as I was thinking on starting a thread on communication in marriage because I’ve not read one book that actually helps! I was so impressed with Pease International - Body Language | Relationship Advice that at one time I wanted to be a consultant/coach with them.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Quite a lot. Pretty well, I think. Effective in utilizing, I utilize it all the time, effective as in getting my way, not sure.

"How did you know" [I didn't say anything]? Is frequently answered with, "yes you did, you DID tell me".

Her facial expressions will give her away well before she shows or speaks her anger. A good signal for me to listen/hear carefully. Thinking about it, it's all in her face. I don't do so well on the phone (it's gotten better but this is helpful). 

I really get her attention when I say "We need to talk" either with warble in my voice or in really dead pan and unnatural way (trying to sound strong).

Part of the definition for us would include:
- choice of language


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## joelmacdad (Jul 26, 2010)

For us it is a huge part. After 20 years I think I am fairly good at reading hers b/c the tone, volume, speed of her communication is different. Also, my wife reflects several different moods by different sighs. I know the difference between the angry sigh, tired sigh, need a hug sigh, need to be taken sexually sigh.

For me, I am reaping huge rewards from the continuous learning skill of eye contact, direct, but calm tone of voice, and little if any rise in volume.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

joelmacdad said:


> For me, I am reaping huge rewards from the continuous learning skill of eye contact, direct, but calm tone of voice, and little if any rise in volume.


I'm finally learning this too. This goes a long, long way to fixing problems.

But let's not forget the darkside of non-verbal communications that plague many men. The passive aggressive, sulky, sullen stonewalling. Hissing & sighing and acting moody instead of just manning up and meeting conflict calmly and directly.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

About 90 percent. My problem is knowing what to think when the body language and the verbal language are completely opposite each other. 

Like "Well I'm sorry" with that condescending tone. I hate to dispute someone's sincerity when they apologize but sometimes it's hard to believe


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## joelmacdad (Jul 26, 2010)

Drover said:


> I'm finally learning this too. This goes a long, long way to fixing problems.
> 
> But let's not forget the darkside of non-verbal communications that plague many men. The passive aggressive, sulky, sullen stonewalling. Hissing & sighing and acting moody instead of just manning up and meeting conflict calmly and directly.


What is funny to me is less of the above appears to have created an increase in fitness testing from my wife. Like the learned skill being tested. I still use the "learned skill" to my advantage with this reply (as early as last night)..."dear, if you continue to ask those questions or make those statements out of pure intention to generate contention, some attention, or aggression, I am going to spank you..." Her reply last night was simply "Promise?".... I did not break the promise...


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

joelmacdad said:


> What is funny to me is less of the above appears to have created an increase in fitness testing from my wife. Like the learned skill being tested. I still use the "learned skill" to my advantage with this reply (as early as last night)..."dear, if you continue to ask those questions or make those statements out of pure intention to generate contention, some attention, or aggression, I am going to spank you..." Her reply last night was simply "Promise?".... I did not break the promise...


Heh, mine upped her fitness testing briefly then stopped them almost entirely pretty quickly.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

neilbl said:


> Body language is the most undeniablly right way to read people's mind and intentions, and in this way we can easily interact well and respond to our partner if we can get familiar even of the basic things like this.


For sure but with the caveat that their body language is congruent with their spoken word. People sometimes go massively wrong in marriages thinking their partner is actually communicating to them in honest and open ways. This is the way spouses get away with affairs etc. for so very long.


If their spoken word is not congruent with their body language then they are indeed being deceitful. And if they are being deceitful then the only way to discover the truth is to spy on them because “communication” will not uncover the truth.



This is why so many communication in marriage books fail so miserably. They do not take into account deceitfulness, not wanting to tell the truth because they think it will hurt their partner, not wanting to tell the truth because they think it will make them look a bad person, not telling the truth because they think their partner will leave them if they do (amongst other reasons) and assume that both partners really do want to “communicate the truth” and all it is is a problem of communication. When what it really is is a problem of deceit and how to uncover the truth!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

In sales they taught us something like 70% of what is communicated between human beings is body language, 25% tone of voice, 5% consists of what you actually say.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

10,
We simply don't seem to see eye to eye on anything. 

You know full well what a non apology is. It can be delivered purely in word choice: I am sorry that upset you (which is totally different than) : I am sorry that I spoke to you disrespectful. 

You are getting an even more blatant non apology, and where the non part is embedded in the tone. 

To paraphrase a famous Englishman: 
When word and tone contradict, surely truth lies in the tone. And indeed within the words, are a subtle lie.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Mem,

No problem. It's completely understandable that two men with different world views and different life experiences could come to different conclusions when looking at the same facts. Even where we differ, I value your input because understanding your thinking process helps me to better refine my own.

My wife speaks to me the same way her mom speaks to her which is most likely the same way her mom spoke to her father and her grandma spoke to her mom. All these women suffer from dysfunctional communication (at the very least) but its difficult to tell whether this springs from some inherited organic source, such as emotional incapacity, or they each kept copying their mom's dysfunctional behavior down the line. Mom and grandma both having alcoholic husbands and fathers doesn't help matters. 

I'm a "glass half full" guy. I try to give my wife the benefit of the doubt however undeserving she may appear. With all the misunderstanding there is between men and women when speaking plain language, I think there is even more potential for misunderstanding and incorrect translation when we interpret non-verbal communication. Using my non-verbal to verbal ratio of 90/10, deserving or not, I give her credit for at 10% apology. The other 90% I'm just not a quick to jump to conclusions as a lot of other guys so I leave my perception of her message as inconclusive.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Ten,
You are a first class diplomat which is a great skill in life and in marriage. 

Is your W sensitive/responsive to your tone? Does she "hear" your tone? 

What would happen if two days in a row, you had a mild incident causing you to legitimately want/need to apologize? And if on day one, you did so in your normal tone. And on day two you did so in a tone that is very similar to that which she uses when apologizing to you? Would she notice? Comment? 

Scenario based teaching can be highly effective. Hopefully she would react and not like the day two apology. And then, in the moment you could say:
Yesterdays apology sounded like this: sincere tone
Todays sounded like that: non-apologetic tone

Followed by the statement: tone matters

Finished up with a question, if you think she can process it. What tone do you believe is your "norm" when apologizing to me? 



Ten_year_hubby said:


> Mem,
> 
> No problem. It's completely understandable that two men with different world views and different life experiences could come to different conclusions when looking at the same facts. Even where we differ, I value your input because understanding your thinking process helps me to better refine my own.
> 
> ...


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