# I need your help desperately!!! Caution Very Long.



## Conrad87 (Apr 1, 2011)

Hello,

Here’s some detail and background of my story.
-I’m 33 years old and my wife is 29.
-We met in college and we’ve been married for 7 years.
-We have 3 young children ages 2, 4, and 7.

Over the last couple of years we have had ups and downs in our relationship. When we first met, we were inseperable. We were the very best of friends and we seldom did anything without the other by our side. We shared everything together. However, things have changed significantly over the past few years. We stopped spending time together, and our physical relation stuttered to almost non existent. We had an extremely active sex life early on in our marriage, but over the last 3 years or so, 1 maybe 2 times a month had become a lot. Now believe me, this was not at all my wishes. My wife told me that after having the kids she was no longer a sexual person. She also has troubles and insecurities about the weight she’s gained and says that that also contributes to the fact that she doesn’t have any sexual interests. Her weight gain has done nothing to hurt my attraction to her, because I’m not the guy I used to be physically either. My desire to be with my wife sexually never changed a bit. And to me, she’s still the most beautiful woman in the world even after the kids.
Now her reasons for not wanted to have sex seemed believable. I understand that having kids can do a lot to a woman and her desires. However, that’s not all that stopped in our relationship. See I am an extremely affectionate guy. I love to hold hands, take walks, buy sweet little gifts for my wife just because it’s Tuesday… But that has all changed with my wife. She no longer wanted to hold my hand or spend time with me..she’s showed me little if any affection over the last few years. I’ve been doing everything I know to do to try to get that relationship back with my wife. She says she still loved me throughout the entire time, but to me she didn’t seem to be “in love with me anymore”.

Now to the infidelity,
I’m a computer guy by trade, so two weeks ago I was working on our home computer when I came across a video that my wife made. In the video she was saying to the camera how much she wished we had more time to spend together, and how she wanted to send this video just show that how much I’m on her mind (At least I thought it was intended for me). See, my wife is a nurse and works graveyard shift. I work during the day, so your time together is limited. So naturally I’m thinking wow, I miss spending time with you too. 
Shortly after that I found a folder on the computer that had a 3 pictures of some guy in it. My memory quickly recognized one of the pictures as one of her contacts that I saw on her phone one morning when her phone rang. (Her cell phone shows the picture of the person calling her when it rings). At the time I asked her who the guy was, and she said that he was a co-worker just checking to see that she had made it home safely (it had snowed that morning and the roads were icy). At any rate this began to cause some suspicions in my mind. I started to think about that video and began to wonder “why didn’t I remember getting that email? So now my mind is wondering… and things didn’t quite add up. So as a computer guy it wasn’t hard for me to get into her email account. Once in, I found a gold mine of evidence. Turns out she was having an affair with that same guy since early December. That phone call on that icy morning was him calling her after she’d just spent the night with him. Since December, there have been nights where she was really off of work, yet she got all dressed in her hospital scrubs only to go stay in hotels with this guy or at his other house (he’s also married with 3 kids and owns a separate property where they’ve spent nights together). Sure enough, in her emails, I found that same video that she had made, and it was sent to this other man!

I just found out about my wife's affair on March 17th. Now two weeks later, we are trying desperately to move on. The night I confronted her she rushed home crying and saying how sorry she was and that she would end everything with him immediately and that she would do anything to work things out with me. However, It’s hard for me to get past the fact that she didn’t seem to have any intentions of ending things until I'd found out. In fact one of the emails showed that that same week before I found out her and the guy had already arranged plans to meet up that weekend (the lie she’d told me was that she was had to work a double shift at the hospital. So how could she be so sorry if she had no intentions of stopping prior to me catching her??? Since then, she has gone above and beyond to prove herself to me. She calls me throughout the day and night from her desk phone from work trying to earn my trust. She has tried to be affectionate with me by trying to hold hands and cuddle with me all the time now. But this is difficult to me.

My issue is that I simply cannot stop this horrible movie from playing over and over and over in my mind. The emails that I read were so graphic and detailed that it was like I was standing in the room with them watching it take place. Let me put it this way so that you can truly understand my pain. THERE IS NOTHING THAT MY WIFE AND I HAVE DONE SEXUALLY IN OUR 7 YEARS OF MARRIAGE, THAT HER AND THAT MAN HAVEN’T DONE IN THE LAST 4 MONTHS!!! What can I do, to get past this pain and the visual images that haunt me each and every day and each and every time I touch her? I still love my wife with all of my heart, and she says, that she will do any and everything to prove to me that she’s sorry and that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. Please, Please help me!!!


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## LSU Fan (Dec 31, 2010)

I wish there was an easy answer. You are definitely doing a great thing just because you are still there. I think it has to be something that you really soul search and decide if you still want to be there. And if so, then she has to make that same decision. I think counseling would be a good start. 
I wish you the best of luck and my prayers are for you.


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## Conrad87 (Apr 1, 2011)

Thank you for your prayers, they are truly needed.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

1. She must end all contact with the OM today. If not, you don't have a chance in saving your marriage. 
2. She must be transparent w/ you from now on.
3. Tell OM's wife. Today.
4. Get tested for STDs. Today.
5. The movie playing in your head--sorry to say but that is a part of the ugly truth that is infidelity. Triggers are going to and will happen. Try to focus your thoughts elsewhere when it happens.
6. I love the name Conrad.


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## honeybum (Mar 7, 2011)

i am going through the xact same thing! i found out my H was having an affair a weekago. It started as an emotional one texting and stuff then moved to physical. he says they only did it 3 times and it was just sex but i too am haunted by these images. i cant get them out of my head. my H is so remorseful and is trying so hard but i cant bear to look at him at the moment. we have had problems ove rthe years too, and also have been together since kids and are or were best friends. this is the worst feeling ever. i feel worse now than when my grand parents died, and that pains me to say that. he ended it with her a week before telling me and she now says shes pregnant but not keeping it. they didnt use protection as she says she was on the implant but i now have the horrible shame of having to go get myself tested. my story is under the heading childhood sweethearts in trouble. i know exactly how you are feelng


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## Conrad87 (Apr 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> 1. She must end all contact with the OM today. If not, you don't have a chance in saving your marriage.
> 2. She must be transparent w/ you from now on.
> 3. Tell OM's wife. Today.
> 4. Get tested for STDs. Today.
> ...


1. She must end all contact with the OM today. If not, you don't have a chance in saving your marriage. 
(She called him on speaker phone that morning and ended it then and there so that I could hear it take place.)

2. She must be transparent w/ you from now on. 
(She's given me 100% open access to her emails, text messages, calls me even if she runs to the grocery store..etc)

3. Tell OM's wife. Today. 

(I haven't done that - and not sure if that will help me anyway. Sure his wife deserves to know, but is that really my place? Do I really want his wife to feel the same pain and sorrow that I'm feeling right now. Because at the end of the day, she's the one who will suffer the most not him!)

4. Get tested for STDs. Today. 

(Planning to do so very soon)

5. The movie playing in your head--sorry to say but that is a part of the ugly truth that is infidelity. Triggers are going to and will happen. Try to focus your thoughts elsewhere when it happens.

(I'm trying to do just that, but the wound is just too fresh and painful right now)

6. I love the name Conrad.

(Thanks)


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## Conrad87 (Apr 1, 2011)

honeybum said:


> i am going through the xact same thing! i found out my H was having an affair a weekago. It started as an emotional one texting and stuff then moved to physical. he says they only did it 3 times and it was just sex but i too am haunted by these images. i cant get them out of my head. my H is so remorseful and is trying so hard but i cant bear to look at him at the moment. we have had problems ove rthe years too, and also have been together since kids and are or were best friends. this is the worst feeling ever. i feel worse now than when my grand parents died, and that pains me to say that. he ended it with her a week before telling me and she now says shes pregnant but not keeping it. they didnt use protection as she says she was on the implant but i now have the horrible shame of having to go get myself tested. my story is under the heading childhood sweethearts in trouble. i know exactly how you are feelng



I'm so sorry to hear of your misfortune. This is truely the most difficult thing I have ever gone through in my life. Speaking of Grandfather, sure enough he died two months ago, but this unfortunately pains me even more.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I am so sorry this has happened, you sound like a good man who has allowed himself to put up with BS and unfortunately you still are. First of all, you are the one who has been betrayed therefore you set the pace of the recovery and establish the new boundaries in your relationship. It is nice of her to want to sweep everything under the rug but why are you cooperating? 

Slow down and decide what you need her to do to earn jer place at you side. First you need to find out how this started, why and to establish the consequences of any further contact with the OM or any other infidelity. Go to marriage counciling and you IC. 

You need to ask for and expect more out of your wife you give far too much. Stop giving more that you get and let her earn the gift of an affectionate good man. As for the other man - I don't believe she has stopped seeing him or contacting him. I think you should contact him and ask him question, warn him to stay away from you wife and talk to him about your intension of sending his wife all of the proff of the affair. 

You have given your wife cheap forgiveness and robbed yourself of the comfort, assurance and atonement of a truly repentant spouse. Back up and regroup, do what you need to do to recover. Become a man that she would not dare step out on - look good, keep up with friends, have a night out each week, dress fashionably. Act as if you are getting ready to date again. Use some of your caring nature on you, you deserve it. Find out why this happened, I think she is too sure of her lovely sweet husband, never let her be sure of you again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

PS I am vindictive so this may not be good advice but I wolud call his wife and let her know what kind of man she is married to and send her the proof. Show him he can't mess up your marriage without risking his own. Why be so nice it's a rough world as you have found out.

His wife is already suffering she suspects but has no proof. She and their family have been denied the time and energy of a husband and father and it is highly likely he will cheat again. She is being exposed to STDs and she is unaware, that seems unfair to me. Let her know what she is dealing with. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

My wife didn't stop until I caught her either. I think affairs are like a drug addiction; even if they want to stop they just can't. I think there is an actual brain chemical reaction similar to a drug fix as well. Think of your discovery and confrontation as an intervention - one that she is open to, so that's good. 

Yeah, it may have gone on longer (my wife's too), but be glad it didn't and she is choosing you now.

On telling his wife (I haven't but still want to), I think 1) she deserves to know. If the discovery had been made by her, wouldn't you want her to inform you? I would. It's important stuff about her life that she deserves to know. What she does with that info is not up to you, it's for her to decide. And 2), it serves the purpose of having another set of eyes on the situation lest the affair re-kindles.

Pick up some books to read together. My wife and I are reading _Not Just Friends._ There are many books on healing from infidelity, I suggest you read some together.

The images and constant movies playing in our heads are the worst. I know exactly how you feel. One minute things are fine and then the visions come and you feel like you got punched or you can't breathe anymore. There is no magic fix here. Tell your wife when these times come up, not in an angry way...just be honest about the hurt, pain, and anger. It will help if she is truly remorseful and sorry and holds you and reassures you and apologizes often.

This is a year(s) long process of healing from the most traumatic event that may ever happen to you. Hang in there brother, you are not alone.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Just cause she said and you heard it was ended doesn't mean jack. It may very well be and the good thing is she's given you all her passcodes. Good sign.

Absolutely tell OM's wife. She has a right to know what has happened/is going on in her marriage.


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## Conrad87 (Apr 1, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> I am so sorry this has happened, you sound like a good man who has allowed himself to put up with BS and unfortunately you still are. First of all, you are the one who has been betrayed therefore you set the pace of the recovery and establish the new boundaries in your relationship. It is nice of her to want to sweep everything under the rug but why are you cooperating?
> 
> Slow down and decide what you need her to do to earn jer place at you side. First you need to find out how this started, why and to establish the consequences of any further contact with the OM or any other infidelity. Go to marriage counciling and you IC.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your advice and feedback, it is sincerely appreciated.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Everyone's remorseful of being caught.


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## Conrad87 (Apr 1, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> PS I am vindictive so this may not be good advice but I wolud call his wife and let her know what kind of man she is married to and send her the proof. Show him he can't mess up your marriage without risking his own. Why be so nice it's a rough world as you have found out.
> 
> His wife is already suffering she suspects but has no proof. She and their family have been denied the time and energy of a husband and father and it is highly likely he will cheat again. She is being exposed to STDs and she is unaware, that seems unfair to me. Let her know what she is dealing with.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand that, I really do. In fact, when I found out, I went and found all of the information I could about him, his residence, his wife, etc. I have her phone #, her email address, and her facebook page. But to this point, I've haven't followed through with telling her anything. 

Although I would love to have him experience some pain and suffering too. And tht I don't want to be the only one hurting. It just seems to me that if he cared anything about his wife and marriage, he wouldn't have been out doing what he did. So my intentions at "getting back" at him, would end up with me bringing pain and suffering to another innocent person (his wife). Not to mention if they choose a different path than my wife and I and decide to call it quits. What about her children? They are innocent too, he's the one who's done wrong not his wife or the kids. I don't know. It's just not in me to be vindictive. But I do believe that Karma has a way of doing the dirty work for you. His day will come. I really believe that.


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## Conrad87 (Apr 1, 2011)

baldmale said:


> My wife didn't stop until I caught her either. I think affairs are like a drug addiction; even if they want to stop they just can't. I think there is an actual brain chemical reaction similar to a drug fix as well. Think of your discovery and confrontation as an intervention - one that she is open to, so that's good.
> 
> Yeah, it may have gone on longer (my wife's too), but be glad it didn't and she is choosing you now.
> 
> ...



Thank you buddy, 

It's good to get advice from another male. This situation seems to more often than less be something that women go through. It's very helpful to hear from another guy, who's gone/going through the same emotions and heartaches as I. I know there's a light at the end of this tunnel. It just can't seem to see it just yet.

Thanks again


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## Conrad87 (Apr 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Just cause she said and you heard it was ended doesn't mean jack. It may very well be and the good thing is she's given you all her passcodes. Good sign.
> 
> Absolutely tell OM's wife. She has a right to know what has happened/is going on in her marriage.



You are certainly correct about, it possibly continuing. Heck, she's already shown an incredible ability to lie to me before. I don't know. 

I do however, believe that forgiveness is a decision. But trust is something earned. So I guess, I've already made the decision to forgive by staying. 

About his wife...??? I just don't know how to feel about that...


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## asdf974 (Jan 20, 2011)

Conrad87 said:


> Although I would love to have him experience some pain and suffering too. And tht I don't want to be the only one hurting. It just seems to me that if he cared anything about his wife and marriage, he wouldn't have been out doing what he did. So my intentions at "getting back" at him, would end up with me bringing pain and suffering to another innocent person (his wife). Not to mention if they choose a different path than my wife and I and decide to call it quits. What about her children? They are innocent too, he's the one who's done wrong not his wife or the kids. I don't know. It's just not in me to be vindictive. But I do believe that Karma has a way of doing the dirty work for you. His day will come. I really believe that.


The damage has already been done. If you don't tell her things will only get worse for her. Do you think her husband is going to see the light and suddenly become a dedicated family man? What would hurt worse finding out now or in ten years what kind of man she's married to? What if he gives her herpes or some other incurable STD?


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

I wished that I could disagree with the others but I cannot. She may have called the OM on the phone and 'ended' it but that is not by any means a guarantee. I did the exact same thing with my wife, only to later find out that she slept with the OM four months later while we were away on vacation.

The only surefire way I know of that will end this ordeal is to get the OM's wife involved. If you think that one call on speakerphone will stop the affair, well, I have a bridge in Brooklyn that I'd love to sell you. Besides, it would not be fair for her to be kept out of the loop and, more importantly, not telling her gets him off the hook. By telling her, you are protecting her from any further bad behavior from him that she is very likely not to know about. What if she later constracts HIV or some other STD because of him? Mark my words; he will not stop until his wife finds out. He will simply find another woman to hook up with if your wife is no longer willing to play ball.

Get on the phone and give her a call or send an e-mail with all of the nasty details you kept. She might have some suspicions herself and have some stuff you haven't come across yet. But for the love of God, tell her...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

asdf974 said:


> The damage has already been done. If you don't tell her things will only get worse for her.What would hurt worse finding out now or in ten years what kind of man she's married to? What if he gives her herpes or some other incurable STD?





Simon Phoenix said:


> I wished that I could disagree with the others but I cannot.
> 
> *The only surefire way I know of that will end this ordeal is to get the OM's wife involved*. If you think that one call on speakerphone will stop the affair, well, I have a bridge in Brooklyn that I'd love to sell you. What if she later constracts HIV or some other STD because of him? Mark my words; he will not stop until his wife finds out. He will simply find another woman to hook up with if your wife is no longer willing to play ball.


THIS is why you should tell OM's wife, Conrad. Because 

1. She has the right to know and
2. It throws a grenade on the affair once it's exposed. You better believe the dynamic of their affair/relationship is going to change once OM's wife finds out. 

I used to be like you thinking no one should tell OM/OW's partner, but not anymore (for the above stated reasons).

Re: STDs... True story: my relative was married to a man for a very very long time and got really sick one day. She went from doc after doc trying to figure out wth was wrong with her--nobody could tell her at all. Then one day the doc tells her the unfortunate news: she is HIV+. Her husband had been sleeping with Lord knows how many woman, and gave it to her. She never suspected. That was about 15 yrs ago. He was such a creep he just took off one day, nobody's seen him since.


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## Conrad87 (Apr 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> THIS is why you should tell OM's wife, Conrad. Because
> 
> 1. She has the right to know and
> 2. It throws a grenade on the affair once it's exposed. You better believe the dynamic of their affair/relationship is going to chance once OM's wife finds out.
> ...



I do understand where you are coming from...I've got a lot of thinking to do.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Tell the OMW!!!!!! She has the right to decide what path she wants to take, this man is also engaging in the behavior your wife did!!!! Yeah it hurts like crazy, but I would want to know, I had to find out for myself. I tried to find the guy, but I couldn't find a thing on him.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

The vast majority of OM just want the extra sex NOT marry another man's wife. If his wife is told about his affair with your wife, the fun will end for him and will most likely drop your wife like a hot potato. It will also show your wife what a piece of work her OM really is.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Catherine602 said:


> ...I wolud call his wife and let her know what kind of man she is married to and send her the proof. Show him he can't mess up your marriage without risking his own. Why be so nice it's a rough world as you have found out.
> 
> His wife is already suffering she suspects but has no proof. She and their family have been denied the time and energy of a husband and father and it is highly likely he will cheat again. She is being exposed to STDs and she is unaware, that seems unfair to me. Let her know what she is dealing with.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## Currant (Mar 18, 2011)

Don't you think his wife deserves to know? Wouldn't you want someone to tell you about your wife if they had known before you had?


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

*Disclose*

Conrad

Expose this thing to the OM'w wife, she has the right to know, she has the right to make informed decisions in her life. 

In this day and age her health and life could be at risk, as was yours.

If informed, and she decides to remain in the marriage he will be on a very short leash. 

If you decide to inform her and share that with your wife, make it clear if she advocates for non disclosure or warns him its over....

Stand up, take your power, take control.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Although I would love to have him experience some pain and suffering too. And that I don't want to be the only one hurting. It just seems to me that if he cared anything about his wife and marriage, he wouldn't have been out doing what he did. So my intentions at "getting back" at him, would end with me bringing pain and suffering to another innocent person (his wife). Not to mention if they choose a different path than my wife and I and decide to call it quits. What about her children? They are innocent too, he's the one who's done wrong not his wife or the kids. I don't know. It's just not in me to be vindictive. But I do believe that Karma has a way of doing the dirty work for you. His day will come. I really believe that. 

I wish I thought that was so, but I don't. More likely this guy will go on to another affair, and never deal with his problems. Then it will probably be too late for his marriage to recover. I am the LS and I would have wanted to be told about the A because I had a right to be told, not find out by accident. But you must do what you feel is right. I have not informed the OW's LS because I didn't want him messing with my H. We have enough issues, and men can be violent about such things. I have spoken to her (e-mail) about her responsibility to tell him, and she says that he does know about it, for what anything that she might say is worth.


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

I am 14 months from finding out that my wife had been doing this for a very long time behind my back. It is not easy, I understand that. You have a great place to start from because she seems to be going above and beyond to prove herself, some of us have to spend time fighting for our spouses and although it might not give you much comfort, it is easier not to have to do that. 

You speak about having a hard time understanding how she could be remourseful when she wasn't close to ending it before you found out, as someone said it can be an addiction, and the person doing this can have a great deal of stress and torn emotions and loyalties. It is not easy for them either. 

I would say that you really need to seek counseling, professional counseling as well. There was something going on that opened the doors to the emotions and actions that she felt and took. That does not excuse what she did by any means, but professional help can assist you in identifying these danger areas/trouble spots/holes in the marriage and in correcting them you can come out of the other side with a marriage stronger and more fulfilling than ever before. You want to avoid just falling into the same old rut of what life was before this started. 

It isn't easy, I know. But I am glad that I stuck it out. My wife and I are so happy together today, it was truly worth all of the pain and heartache. Things aren't perfect. There are still times I feel anxiety or have questions or things trigger negative emotions for me. But now, 14 months later those times are very rare for me, and we truly have a marriage better than we have ever had before, that is fulfilling and rewarding for each of us. 

I pray that you can rebuild the same in your lives.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

You must tell and exposure this sordid mess to his wife! 

Why? Because you will have a greater chance of keeping this jerk away!

No contact. Have her write a No Contact letter. You approve and mail. With a copy to his wife too. 

Was this on the job? Either he goes or she does. There cannot be any contact. 

Good luck and we're praying for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

oaksthorne said:


> Although I would love to have him experience some pain and suffering too. And that I don't want to be the only one hurting. It just seems to me that if he cared anything about his wife and marriage, he wouldn't have been out doing what he did. So my intentions at "getting back" at him, would end with me bringing pain and suffering to another innocent person (his wife). Not to mention if they choose a different path than my wife and I and decide to call it quits. What about her children? They are innocent too, he's the one who's done wrong not his wife or the kids. I don't know. It's just not in me to be vindictive. But I do believe that Karma has a way of doing the dirty work for you. His day will come. I really believe that.
> 
> I wish I thought that was so, but I don't. More likely this guy will go on to another affair, and never deal with his problems. Then it will probably be too late for his marriage to recover. I am the LS and I would have wanted to be told about the A because I had a right to be told, not find out by accident. But you must do what you feel is right. I have not informed the OW's LS because I didn't want him messing with my H. We have enough issues, and men can be violent about such things. I have spoken to her (e-mail) about her responsibility to tell him, and she says that he does know about it, for what anything that she might say is worth.


"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing" Edmund Burke
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad87 (Apr 1, 2011)

Here's the thing,

I hear and understand everyone's reasoning for telling the OMW. However, like I said in an earlier post; I feel that forgiveness is a decision, and trust is something earned. I've made the decision to forgive her as evidenced by me staying put and trying to work things out. No I haven't forgotten, and probably never will. But to say that the only way I can trust her to end the affair with him is if the his wife knows, seems superficial to me. 

I feel that the only way true trust will ever be achieved is if she makes her own conscious decision to halt all relations and communication with that man, in order to be with me exclusively. I'm not being naive. I know that she had no trouble being so convincing and blatantly lying to me before. Yes I know and understand that she could still be doing the same thing. I'm simply saying that this is the type of trust that I need in order to make this marriage work. I want and need her to do this on her own, not because there are another set of eyes on the situation (his wife). 

This is simply my thoughts.


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## Conrad87 (Apr 1, 2011)

HopeinHouston said:


> I am 14 months from finding out that my wife had been doing this for a very long time behind my back. It is not easy, I understand that. You have a great place to start from because she seems to be going above and beyond to prove herself, some of us have to spend time fighting for our spouses and although it might not give you much comfort, it is easier not to have to do that.
> 
> You speak about having a hard time understanding how she could be remourseful when she wasn't close to ending it before you found out, as someone said it can be an addiction, and the person doing this can have a great deal of stress and torn emotions and loyalties. It is not easy for them either.
> 
> ...


You seem to really understand my situation. See, what I didn't say in my original post was that I am a man of strong faith. Yes I know and understand that not everyone shares the same beliefs. However, I will always have my faith, even if I have nothing else. I certainly understand everyone's reasoning for telling me to tell his wife, but my beliefs are that Vengeance is the Lord's and that it simply isn't my place. I don't know...I will just keep praying for an answer..but thank you for your post.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

i was told of my husband's affair by his ow's husband, i am grateful for his decision, we all deserve to be told so we can make the choices how we want our lives to go, we have that right.
it stopped my husbands affair when the truth came out and everyone knew what he was up to. 
would you want to live your life not knowing and being lied to.
think and pray on it, this isnt about revenge it is about being fair to an innocent wife and children


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Conrad,

Telling the OM wife is not about vengence as it may seem in the surface. Forgiving your wife has noting to do with telling the OM wife either. 

Its about closure and moving on, you cannot move on without all parties accountable and all parties informed. 

She has the right to know what her husband is doing.....that she is sharing a husband with other women and bringing to her what he may be potentiually infected with. 

Are you hesitant to disclose to the OM wife because she may choise to end the marriage and that will free the OM and your wife may chose him? If so your marriage is already most likely doomed because you are operating in fear on not in the postion of power, you need to be in charge, in power, to guide your releationship and marriage to long term success. If attempted in a postion of weakness negative emotions will arise and they will be distructive - disclose. 

You have a number of experiencee surviors in healed relationships giving you advise, don't ignore it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Exactly. Telling isn't to be VINDICTIVE. It's so they KNOW the TRUTH.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Conrad87 said:


> I hear and understand everyone's reasoning for telling the OMW. However, like I said in an earlier post; *I feel that forgiveness is a decision, and trust is something earned. I've made the decision to forgive her as evidenced by me staying put and trying to work things out*. No I haven't forgotten, and probably never will. But to say that the only way I can trust her to end the affair with him is if the his wife knows, seems superficial to me.


The difference between your situation and OM's wife is that you chose to forgive *after* knowing the truth. Right now she has NO idea what the truth is. Right now she thinks she is married to someone who she believes is true to her. She is being lied to every second of every day.

It may not stop the affair. You are absolutely right. However, it will *undoubtedly* change the dynamic of it once it is exposed and out in the open.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

at this point, who knows if OM hasn't been messing around with other women besides your wife dude, I read Jellys post about her relative that got HIV, what if your wife gets that from OM because he is playing many women....then you stand a chance of getting that, the OMW would get it. She has a right to know dude, seriously. It's not vindictive, it's basic human right. It's not superficial at all.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm with the tell the OMW crowd, and if you weren't a computer guy and you never found out about her affair would you want to know? So please pay it forward and prevent this from happening to someone elses husband. This site is here to help you and me and others so please listen and expose, and protect other guys from getting burned by having this OM exposed for the wife stealing piece of sh*t that he is. Some husband is out there who is going to lose his wife by this preditor, and you are sitting by and helping. Thank you!

But more concerning is the fact that your wife has not felt the consequences of her actions, and your blind faith. So good luck with that.

At the very least I would sit my wife down and make her watch that hurtful, humiliating, shameful, decietful and ambarassing video that she made...and watch it in front of you.
When I went throught my WW evidence with her it really hit home for both of us, and how distructive her behavior was on our family. As relluctant as my W was, viewing the evidence with me, made a impact on how wrong it was. I believe it help in lifting the fog that she was in for so many years.

Thats my $0.02


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

My WW had reservations about me telling the OMW because she felt like you do and was afraid it would come back on her at work. After many discussions she understood why I felt a need and moral requirement to do so to protect his wife. No you don't have the power of vengence. You do however have the moral obligation to do what is right for the OMW even if it will hurt her. Putting the shoe on the other foot, would you want to remain ignorant of your WW infidelity because your best friend didn't want to hurt you by telling you? I told the OMW in a anonymous letter after my wifes NC letter warned him she would be told. I know he did not come clean before she received my letter with enough detail that she had to believe it and couldn't ignore it. In my case, my WW had three different men and this guy was a good friend of mine and it lasted 18 years. Unbelievably, I am r with her and while it's very hard sometimes we are making great progress. For the OMW, 18 years was most of the 20 they were married. Don't think of yourself, consider the moral obligation you have to tell her. You are being no better than the two of them by lying by omission.


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

Conrad87 said:


> You seem to really understand my situation. See, what I didn't say in my original post was that I am a man of strong faith. Yes I know and understand that not everyone shares the same beliefs. However, I will always have my faith, even if I have nothing else. I certainly understand everyone's reasoning for telling me to tell his wife, but my beliefs are that Vengeance is the Lord's and that it simply isn't my place. I don't know...I will just keep praying for an answer..but thank you for your post.


I also am a man of very strong faith, and in fact was in seminary during part of the time this was happening. I try to leave things more general on here because not everyone shares our beliefs, but we all need help ... but I can say the week that really saved our marriage was when we went away for a week long retreat of counseling by a very good christian counselor. It was amazing and helped transform our marriage. 

Now for my part my situation was a little different in that my wife, though very sorry and remorseful, wasn't ready to give her all to our marriage again yet. I had to in a sense "fight" for her while she was still in what we refer to around here as "the fog". 

But find yourselves a good, reputable christian counselor who can help guide you through finding those danger areas and working on your marriage, it is very much worth it.


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

Conrad- I found out about my wife's affair the day after you discovered yours. OM's wife called and told me. She was sorry, but felt it was the right thing to do.
While I could've gone on blissfully ignorant of my wife's betrayal of me, that wouldn't have helped me a bit. Your OM's wife will discover who he is eventually. Would you really rather she face more years of lies before she sees that? Let her waste more time? 
Don't look at this as hurting someone. Look at it as helping her. That's exactly what it is. The secret doesn't belong to you. It's hers as well.


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## Conrad87 (Apr 1, 2011)

calif_hope said:


> Conrad,
> 
> Telling the OM wife is not about vengence as it may seem in the surface. Forgiving your wife has noting to do with telling the OM wife either.
> 
> ...


No, her decision to choose him has nothing to do with my hesitation. 

This is what I feel in a nutshell,

I want her to make the conscious decision to end it because she chooses to be with me and only me. Not because the OM is no longer and option (as a result of his wife finding out). Because if my wife decides to stop messing around with him simply because he's no longer available. Then I feel it's only a matter of time before some other guy "Becomes Available". 

That is the only way I can begin to regain trust for her. If I choose to stay with her even after the foul things she's done, then I need to know that she chooses to end her ways and make things right with me.

As for ignoring advice. No, those aren't my intentions at all. My feelings may change. I came here for advice, I also understand that not all advice is perfect for everyone. At least that's how I feel. But please understand, any and all advice from you guys is sincerely appreciated. 

This is still the most difficult thing I have ever experienced in my life. I have had good days and terrible days. But I'm trying to take it one day at a time.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Conrad,
Hats off to you. Your concern and consideration for people you don't even know is truly admirable. 






Conrad87 said:


> I understand that, I really do. In fact, when I found out, I went and found all of the information I could about him, his residence, his wife, etc. I have her phone #, her email address, and her facebook page. But to this point, I've haven't followed through with telling her anything.
> 
> Although I would love to have him experience some pain and suffering too. And tht I don't want to be the only one hurting. It just seems to me that if he cared anything about his wife and marriage, he wouldn't have been out doing what he did. So my intentions at "getting back" at him, would end up with me bringing pain and suffering to another innocent person (his wife). Not to mention if they choose a different path than my wife and I and decide to call it quits. What about her children? They are innocent too, he's the one who's done wrong not his wife or the kids. I don't know. It's just not in me to be vindictive. But I do believe that Karma has a way of doing the dirty work for you. His day will come. I really believe that.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Conrad,
Your reasoning on this is very solid. 

I do think that at some point you really will benefit from understanding what your W felt was "missing" from the marriage. I am not blaming you at all. She is fully responsible for what she did. That said, sometimes people end up having some very painful conversations after an affair that actually result in a stronger marriage. 

Without letting her off the hook, or letting her blameshift, you might want to find out what it was about the OM that was so appealing. 

Clearly she has been very dishonest about one thing. Her lack of desire has nothing to do with her weight. It has to do with how the two of you interact. Her desire issues can only be solved by the both of you having some very blunt conversations.




Conrad87 said:


> No, her decision to choose him has nothing to do with my hesitation.
> 
> This is what I feel in a nutshell,
> 
> ...


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## Conrad87 (Apr 1, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Conrad,
> Your reasoning on this is very solid.
> 
> I do think that at some point you really will benefit from understanding what your W felt was "missing" from the marriage. I am not blaming you at all. She is fully responsible for what she did. That said, sometimes people end up having some very painful conversations after an affair that actually result in a stronger marriage.
> ...



Thanks for your feedback. I'm hoping that a great deal will be revealed during our counseling sessions. That way the healing and really begin.


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## SweetNPetite (Apr 4, 2011)

Conrad, I havent read any replies so forgive me if I repeat. But it seems like she has insecurities. When us ladies get insecure we feel the need to satisfy out emotional need with attention. Some have emotional affairs, some sexual, some simply become whiny and annoying fabricating (even making it happen) injuries for attention. Others will go to extremes and demand negative attention (if I piss him off enough and make him beat me, he'll feel bad and pamper me with attention afterward)

This is just a few things I thought Id add, but still, Im praying for you and your family and I hope you can become content with staying, or leaving.


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## Conrad87 (Apr 1, 2011)

SweetNPetite said:


> Conrad, I havent read any replies so forgive me if I repeat. But it seems like she has insecurities. When us ladies get insecure we feel the need to satisfy out emotional need with attention. Some have emotional affairs, some sexual, some simply become whiny and annoying fabricating (even making it happen) injuries for attention. Others will go to extremes and demand negative attention (if I piss him off enough and make him beat me, he'll feel bad and pamper me with attention afterward)
> 
> This is just a few things I thought Id add, but still, Im praying for you and your family and I hope you can become content with staying, or leaving.



You know, you're pretty accurate with your assesment. My wife does struggle with insecurities. She's complained about her weight gain after the kids for some years now. But what gets me is that my assurances of her still being beautiful wasn't enough. Abviously, it took someone else to take notice and give her that attention. She did a horrible thing. Nevertheless, she seems to acknowledge that and show remorse for what she's done. 

My wife and I have been talking a great deal lately. I can say that on the surface, she seems to be doing her best to regain my trust and to reconnect with me. No I cannot monitor her every move and watch her every moment of the day. But I am a man of faith and I choose to give her a second chance. I also feel that it will be revealed to me if my wife hasn't changed. So yes, inspite of all that's happened, I'm fighting for my marriage. I know that many would bail after what happened, without question. Some even on this very board.

However, I have prayed on this and this is what I want. No I'm not giving her "cheap forgiveness" as I've heard someone mention before. And no I'm not being naive at all. I understand that all that glitters ain't gold and that it's very possible that my wife is playing me yet again. 

But there are many things that will have to change in order for us to move forward. First of which is total transparency. So far, my wife has done this. I choose to forgive my wife. Not to forget or condone what she's done. But to forgive her and give her a second (and last) chance.

I feel that I still love my wife inspite of what happened and I am not ready to give up on my marriage.


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