# Husband's emotional affair



## ava13 (Jun 25, 2012)

My husband and I have been married for 13 years. I found out recently that he has started a relationship with an exgirlfriend. She lives in a different state so they are limited to email and phone calls right now. I confronted him about it and we had a long discussion. He told me he had been unhappy for a long time and that this woman was just a friend to him now. We agreed to work on our marriage.

He doesn't know that I've seen what he has been writing to her. Not only did their relationship continue after our talk, but it has escalated quite a bit. I am still desperately in love wih this man after all these years. Unfortunately that's how he seems to feel about her.

I don't know that our marriage can be saved if he's unwilling to give up their relationship. At the same time I am terrified of starting my life over. Most importantly I don't want to be wihout him.

I feel lost and confused. I am in desperate need of advice.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Hang in there, you will get lots of good support and advice here.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Sorry this is happening to you. EA's can be more devastating to a marriage than PA's. Emotional detachment get supported by the 3rd party and the damage begins.

My thoughts to take or leave. 

I think you need to collect your found information and then confront him with the facts. If you come across as needy you will look less attractive to him, so learn the 180. Although, it is really for you to become stronger through this difficult time.

If he is willing to go, find a good MC that you both can agree upon and I think you need to make it clear that there can not be 3 people in the relationship, so the reltionship with OP needs to stop before MC and you need to be a witness to that communication.

Is the old girlfriend married to? If so, let her husband know.

Again, my thoughts to take or leave. See what others say.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

First, stop being terrified of being alone. That will cripple you. Look up the 180 and do it, whether you end up staying together or not it's good for you.

If it were me, I'd kick him out, but that's me - I did kick my hubby out when I discovered his online activities. Zero tolerance.

Stop having sex, if you haven't already.

He has to do a few things before you should consider staying with him. There are a ton on links in the Coping with Infidelity section that can help - you can start with a couple in my sig if you like, lots of others have them in their sigs too.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

All good advice above

You'll need to confront at some point with evidence and ask him to choose.


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## alley2408 (Jun 19, 2012)

I would go to marriage counseling and while there reveal just exactly what you read in a controlled environment. If you just reveal it at home then it will most likely turn into an argument that will cause further damage your relationship. 
I wish you all the best and I hope that this works for you.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Did you tell him that you needed him to stop contact with her? Did you make that a condition of agreeing to "work on the marriage"?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I agree with Hope, you cannot approach this problem from the standpoint of desperation. It will get you nowhere.

My husband also found his "soulmate" in the form of an ex-co-worker. They told each other they loved each other. She was his "best friend in the whole world."

However, if he was so sure about her, why didn't he just divorce you? Did you read about any plans to meet in person or for him to leave you?

These types of relationships are nearly always escapist fantasies on the side. You still fulfill certain needs, or he would have asked for a divorce before he started "dating" his ex. No, he wants it ALL. This is a classic situation that cheaters prefer and choose.

Gather as much information as you can. Store it in a safe place. Realize that if you confront and give away your source, he will shut that source down and almost SURELY (because of what the messages are saying) find another way to communicate with her.

When I confronted my husband 3 years ago, he told me he stopped communicating with her. He kept that up for a few weeks. I just didn't understand infidelity, and I didn't every verify. You have verified, MORE POWER TO YOU FOR DOING THAT. Because the escapist fantasy is SO much fun, reality is going to have to burst his bubble. My husband and I are happy and reconciled--you can come back from this. But you're going to have to be courageous and fight for your marriage.

Does she have a husband or other relationship? Or is she single?

Ask to have your thread moved to Coping with Infidelity.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Oh, and I cannot believe I forgot to tell you, get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass ASAP. You need to get up to speed on how emotional affairs start, function, and end. It is a terrific book in every way (although the subject matter is so dismal), you will not be disappointed.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

My STBXH had multiple EAs during the course of our relationship. I made the mistake of taking blame when he shifted it to me. Note that your H immediately justified by saying he was unhappy in the marriage. That does NOT justify and affair - either an emotional one or a physical one. He should have gone to his wife to work on his marriage, not to another woman. He has started blameshifting; don't accept it.

It is really hard to think this person you love would do something like this to you, but from this point on, you need to see him as a different person. He is no longer that person you thought you knew. Even if you are able to truly reconcile and stay together, your marriage will be fundamentally different. 

There are so many things I would do differently if I had it to do over again. First and foremost, I would have reacted more strongly and not been so desperate to save a marriage that was not what I thought it was. 

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is truly a despicable thing when a spouse is so selfish and throws away his or her vows. Please stay strong: no matter what he says with words, pay more attention to his actions. Demand respect, you deserve it. 

((HUGS)) to you


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