# confused and tired...



## Round3 (Jan 12, 2013)

So, brief history. Together for 12 years, married for 8. About 6 months ago, after recognizing that my marriage was slowly deteriorating, I decided to.do.something about it. My wife and I had been in a slow almost imperceptible decline for a few years. Intimacy issues were the main culprit. We entered a negative feedback loop. We were being intimate once every couple of weeks, which caused resentment on my part, which led to me acting different or indifferent around the house, which caused her to become resentful.

This cycle continued unabated for a few years. So, six months ago I.decided.to.tackle our issues head on. I sat down with her, and we had a great heart to heart talk about our issues.

She listed four things about me that bothered her. I told her my main concern was our complete and utter lack of intimacy. We both agreed to work on our issues. For awhile, it seemed like things were going well.

Intimacy was increased,but I still had a nagging feeling that it was being forced on her part...a chore or a duty...just another thing to check off the list. 

I wrote letters, became romantic again, did everything she asked, but I.did not feel like it was genuine love and affection I was getting in return. 

I finally told her a couple months ago.that I.didn't have the energy to.work on our intimacy issues anymore. I told her I had used all the effort I could put into that aspect of our marriage. 

Fast forward a couple weeks, and she tells me she has realised she has a low libido, doesn't know why, but has decided to do something about it...ie go to he gyno (which I had suggested for months to see if her low.drive was caused by birth control). She's going to start masturbating, which she hasn't don .in a couple years. She says she just doesn't get horny, but or some reason, now it bothers her. 

My problem lies in the fact that I'm scared to fully reinvest myself only to be let.down by short lived changes, assuming there are any at all. I know I need to go all in but it's hard, especially after I've sort of checked out of that aspect of the marriage. I hate feeling like the last priority. I've told Her intimacy is important to me, that's it is not just about sex. I've told her my biggest problem is I don't feel desired or wanted. At all. And I'm mildly upset that the recent improvements were basically a lie. That she was just trying to please me but still had no.actual desire for me. Long read, I'm sorry, just looking for input. I'll gladly provide any more information if I can. Thanks.
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## kjvonly (Jan 3, 2013)

I feel for ya brother, I could have quoted that whole story as my own. Unfortunately I have no solutions for you as I'm searching for them myself.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

R3,

Getting her to the Dr is a step in the right direction and many posters have found that birth control IS a factor in low libido cases.

Other things can also affect a woman's drive like raising young kids, poor self esteem (has she gained weight and have a poor body image?) as well as general stress.

Does she work full time? Kids and how old? Do you help out around the house?


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## Round3 (Jan 12, 2013)

She's in excellent shape. I am too so it's not a lack of physical attractivenes. We have one young chiod who is very,very easy to raise. She works part time, maybe 10 hours a week. I help out with the chores and do all the typical guy stuff around the house. 

She just seems to always have a to do list going and putting affection and desire seems to finish last all the time.
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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Get her to the Dr and go with her if possiblr to be sure this issue is addressed.

In a more light hearted approach, on her "To Do" list, put your name!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

You're both in your prime.

She is young and in great physical shape (hot).

Only works about 10 hours per week (semi part time job)

Only have one child together.

You help with all the chores.


Hmmmmmm............I know that some women lose their sex drive after kid(s) for a while, give it time. Talking is key. She has a lot of time on her hands.

Not to freak you out, but is she seeing someone else? Sexting? In person? Or just a low drive from having your child?


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## Round3 (Jan 12, 2013)

She's not cheating, I am 99% certain. She claims that she has never viewed herself as a sexual person although she was much hornier in her 20's. She says that she thought for a long time that her drive was normal and accepted that she never got horny. by her own admission she has only truly desired me once in 5 months. She says she hasn't been horny in a couple of years. It's disheartening to say the least.
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