# After 15 Years Do You Know If You’re In Love



## Doglvr (Apr 24, 2019)

This is my first post in this group, I’ve posted in the new members section and gotten really good advice. I’m very close to leaving my husband and have been in a very emotionally abusive relationship for 15 years with him. It took me way to long to figure out what was going on, and even longer to be able to stand up for myself.

I keep going back and forth about leaving. He has recently made some attempts to change, but I’m not sure they will last. I’m confused and my main purpose for this post is to ask those who’ve been in long term marriages, do you know you love your partner? I care about him, but I’m not crazy in love like I was in the beginning. Is that what happens when you’re in a relationship this long, or is that the result of everything that’s went on in our relationship?

A little more detail....I’ve rented a house that he knows nothing about, for some reason I can NOT make the decision to move. I’m seeing a counselor, trying to figure out everything and when I asked him to go his reply was “I’ve changed all I’m going to and if it’s not good enough get the F out of my house”.....But since that conversation he’s clearly made more effort...


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

All depends on how you define the word. Clearly your definition differs from mine if you can even consider love after 15 years of emotional abuse.

What exactly does love mean to you? Once you spell it out you may have better insight into your own feelings.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

*Re: After 15 Years Do You Know If You’re In Love*



Doglvr said:


> do you know you love your partner? I care about him, but I’m not crazy in love like I was in the beginning. Is that what happens when you’re in a relationship this long, or is that the result of everything that’s went on in our relationship?


There's a problem we have with the word "love"..... we "love" our parents, we "love" our kids, we "love" our spouse, we "love" a pepperoni pizza. No one knows what "love" means, because it means so many different things that we don't know which one applies if we use the word by itself.

Being "not crazy" means the oxytocin no longer flows. This gets over within about 18 months of the close relationship, and is not at all related to what happens in it. 

If our definition of love requires hormones, based upon how we feel, then we are all doomed to no longer love the former loved person.

The ancient Greeks were much smarter about "love" than us..... the bible has 4 different Greek words which have been translated "love"...

_*4 Greek words for "love"*_ 

A couple of interesting contrasts of these words appear in the bible, and also in this article, where it says "You can love (agape) your enemies, but you cannot love (phileo) them. I think this is likely the case between you and your husband. You have stated that eros has faded, but I'm pretty sure storge is still alive and well.

Marriage is the only relationship we enter into which requires all 4 kinds of love. In fact, a successful marriage cannot be accomplished unless we do. For Meat Loaf, 2 out of 3 ain't bad, but in marriage, 2 out of 4 IS bad.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Yes, it is normal for that “high” of love to wane after a time. It is replaced by something more solid and steady. 

However, if you’ve gone far enough to rent a new apartment, you want out. You are letting misguided guilt hold you back. I was there once. I finally realized I have only one life to live and was that how I wanted to live it? With a man who made me miserable??? Nope, and so I didn’t. And you shouldn’t either.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its irrelevant if you love him or not, he is toxic to be with and abuses you. 

Yes I love my husband very much after 14 years, but he isn't abusive.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

So, he might change just enough 'keep' you a bit longer and stir up your questioning and guilt? Emotional abuse is insidious--causes you to question yourself, but is truly his meanness personified. Make this about you--your future, who you are, not about how much abuse he decides to deal out.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Its irrelevant if you love him or not, he is toxic to be with and abuses you.


I agree 100%!!!!!!! I’ll just add that over time it will only get worse, not better.


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## Doglvr (Apr 24, 2019)

Thank you all. I don’t know why I’m struggling to just go through with leaving, there’s been so many times I told myself I would leave if I had somewhere to go and now that I do I can’t do it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You're staying because you want to. In doing so you are accepting his actions.

I suspect this will bite you later.

It is your choice though


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Love doesn't mean a relationship will work. You're probably concerned about leaving the known for the unknown. That very often keeps people in abusive relationships.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Forget about what love means.

Anyone who would actually tell you that he's changed all he's going to change and if it's not enough you can get the **** out is not partner material.

That's not a loving way to speak to a spouse.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

*Re: After 15 Years Do You Know If You’re In Love*

In your other thread, you indicated that he has demonstrated physically violent behaviours. 

Your one and only priority at this point is to keep yourself and any children safe. It is quite likely that at the point where you "disappear" is the danger point. You need to be prepared. There may be womens services in your area that can advise you about safety and making a clean escape. If I were your counsellor I would be setting up a session with you and calling in a representative of those organisations to attend with us. 

Whether you still care for him is not the point. You know him best, but you may be surprised by his reaction once you leave.



> He stays angry, he's ripped doors out of our house, thrown stuff, cornered me so I couldn't leave numerous times, punched holes in walls and destroyed several of my phones and other property, thrown hammers at my car as I was trying to leave....I could go on and on.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

*Re: After 15 Years Do You Know If You’re In Love*

He doesn’t love you.

Go to your new place. Get some space from him and this will become much clearer. Even if you have to tell yourself you are just gonna “try it out”. Just go. Get away from the poison and you will start to heal and move on with your life,


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

*Re: After 15 Years Do You Know If You’re In Love*



lifeistooshort said:


> Forget about what love means.
> 
> Anyone who would actually tell you that he's changed all he's going to change and if it's not enough you can get the **** out is not partner material.
> 
> That's not a loving way to speak to a spouse.


Exactly!


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

notmyjamie said:


> Yes, it is normal for that “high” of love to wane after a time. It is replaced by something more solid and steady.



Yes, by boredom. Boredom is very solid and certainly steady. 

I dunno. Priorities shift. You can’t remain in the ‘50 shades of grey’ state forever with each other. Sometimes it turns into ‘Texas chainsaw massacre’, sometimes into the ‘titanic’ (before it sunk) but relationships are certainly always evolving...

Kids become the centre of the universe and then (I imagine) you just want to have some kind of companionship, without too much nagging.

If someone’s abusing you, it’s different. What does he do? Depends how bad it is. I assume it’s very bad. There’s no guarantee it will work out better second (or third) time around. But I hope it will.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Love doesnt matter anyway when you are being abused. Even if you do have love for him, so what?? The marriage is toxic. You and your children deserve better. Pretty sure I told you in your other thread to just leave one day while he is out, I fear for your safety.


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## Doglvr (Apr 24, 2019)

I appreciate everyone’s responses, I’m leaving, I actually went and spent the day working on the new house....Just going to wait till kids are out of school for the summer, so one month from now is it.

I talked to my counselor about a lot of the stuff I’ve been worried about today, I feel like my decision is made, I just want to know I’ve done everything I can to make it work. Everyone is right, he doesn’t love me or he wouldn’t have been able to do half the things he’s done to me and in front of our kids. I just have to keep reminding myself that our peace and happiness is my priority.


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