# Know what's going on, staying because......



## j1958 (Mar 18, 2021)

When my husband had his first affair 15 years ago, we went through what a lot of people do in this situation. Short version: I do the pick me dance, WS tries to juggle both of us, truth comes out, I'm finally ready to divorce when he decides to stay. Unfortunately he was not a true remorseful WS, and is currently having another affair. 

I know 15 years ago, when I was doing the pick me dance, my children were young and I also used that as a reason to "fight for our marriage". That doesn't apply now. Now I'm in my 60's, and not so ready to confront and divorce. Heard the term "Sunk Cost Fallacy" which "describes our tendency to follow through on an endeavor if we have already invested time, effort, or money into it, whether or not the current costs outweigh the benefits." I think this best explains why I'm staying silent and waiting. Almost 30 years of marriage, that and fear of the future and change.

Just wondering about others who know and have not confronted. What's keeping you in Limbo?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

j1958 said:


> When my husband had his first affair 15 years ago, we went through what a lot of people do in this situation. Short version: I do the pick me dance, WS tries to juggle both of us, truth comes out, I'm finally ready to divorce when he decides to stay. Unfortunately he was not a true remorseful WS, and is currently having another affair.
> 
> I know 15 years ago, when I was doing the pick me dance, my children were young and I also used that as a reason to "fight for our marriage". That doesn't apply now. Now I'm in my 60's, and not so ready to confront and divorce. Heard the term "Sunk Cost Fallacy" which "describes our tendency to follow through on an endeavor if we have already invested time, effort, or money into it, whether or not the current costs outweigh the benefits." I think this best explains why I'm staying silent and waiting. Almost 30 years of marriage, that and fear of the future and change.
> 
> Just wondering about others who know and have not confronted. What's keeping you in Limbo?


If you're not willing to leave somebody, with no regard for you, live an independent life within the marriage and enjoy what you can.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You say waiting. What are you waiting for?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

A while back you said you had to wait a year, for the best timing. Presumably something financial. Has anything changed? Does he know you know? Are you still having sex with your husband? Been tested for STDs?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You can live a life independently inside the marriage. Don't do anything for him at all (no cooking, laundry etc) Also tell your grown up kids, they should know. Does he know that you know about his current affair? He has probably as much to lose as you have.


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## j1958 (Mar 18, 2021)

Casual Observer said:


> A while back you said you had to wait a year, for the best timing. Presumably something financial. Has anything changed? Does he know you know? Are you still having sex with your husband? Been tested for STDs?


Not having sex. No he doesn't know I know. I have recurring daydream of how I would/will confront him if all comes together. But at times question myself as to why stay/why leave, at this point of life. Wanted to get feedback from others who stay.


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## j1958 (Mar 18, 2021)

aine said:


> You can live a life independently inside the marriage. Don't do anything for him at all (no cooking, laundry etc) Also tell your grown up kids, they should know. Does he know that you know about his current affair? He has probably as much to lose as you have.


I am currently attempting to carve out a life of my own, while maintaining status quo. No he doesn't know. I'm not ready to confront, and go back and forth on the idea stay/divorce.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

j1958 said:


> I am currently attempting to carve out a life of my own, while maintaining status quo. No he doesn't know. I'm not ready to confront, and go back and forth on the idea stay/divorce.


Keep to that. Your circumstances are not stronger than your determination.


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## j1958 (Mar 18, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> If you're not willing to leave somebody, with no regard for you, live an independent life within the marriage and enjoy what you can.


That is what I am attempting to do. I'm trying to fill my life with activities I enjoy with friends and family. Biggest regret is that it is not "with" the person I married.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

j1958 said:


> That is what I am attempting to do. I'm trying to fill my life with activities I enjoy with friends and family. Biggest regret is that it is not "with" the person I married.


I hear you on that, I really do.


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## j1958 (Mar 18, 2021)

But what about others out there? I know I am not the only one coping with the betrayal of vows. Why do others stay? And more importantly, how do you cope? I come to this and another website, read the postings of others and take what I can to support myself mentally.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

j1958 said:


> But what about others out there? I know I am not the only one coping with the betrayal of vows. Why do others stay? And more importantly, how do you cope? I come to this and another website, read the postings of others and take what I can to support myself mentally.


They stay for the same reasons you do. They don't think they can afford to leave or a little bit of companionship is better than none.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I was married to a serial cheater. I got out in my 60’s. Why did I stay so long? I believed his lies. Why did I get out? I was tired of being played.

ETA: Do I regret leaving? Not for a moment. But I do regret staying as long as I did.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

j1958 said:


> But what about others out there? I know I am not the only one coping with the betrayal of vows. Why do others stay? And more importantly, how do you cope? I come to this erand another website, read the postings of others and take what I can to support myself mentally.


What I know is that I could never remain in a marriage where the man was having an ongoing affair and I knew about it but did nothing. 
If you do stay then surely you need to communicate and make sure the affair ends?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

jonty30 said:


> They stay for the same reasons you do. They don't think they can afford to leave or a little bit of companionship is better than none.


Seems very desperate that someone would want to stay with a person who is having an ongoing affair.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Seems very desperate that someone would want to stay with a person who is having an ongoing affair.


I know that I would rather live alone then in an unloved relationship, but not everybody can do that.
Part of the frailty of the human race.


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

j1958 said:


> But what about others out there? I know I am not the only one coping with the betrayal of vows. Why do others stay? And more importantly, how do you cope? I come to this and another website, read the postings of others and take what I can to support myself mentally.


I'm younger than you, but went through something similar. My wife had an affair very early in our marriage, we worked on things because we had a small child, and then she had another affair about 8 or so years after the first one. We split. I thought I could stay for the kids and was afraid of starting over---a lot of the same things other people say on here. But I'll echo what a few others have said--it is absolutely liberating to be out of that relationship. I tried to carve out time for myself within the marriage and thought I could make due, even after the second affair, for the kids, but I quickly realized I hated being around someone who could be so disrespectful to me. I know it is easier said than done, but I'd walk away. It is freeing and just takes away so much stress and worry and those sorts of things.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

j1958 said:


> I am currently attempting to carve out a life of my own, while maintaining status quo. No he doesn't know. I'm not ready to confront, and go back and forth on the idea stay/divorce.



Have you already seen a few family law attorneys (divorce lawyers) to have a clear idea of what's in store for you if you divorce? How independent financially are you? Do you know where all the financial records are, and do you know what exactly they entail? have a lawyer see them to give you a professional opinion? If you haven't, what are you waiting for?

Being wishy washy will get you nowhere, other than wasting your life.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Seems very desperate that someone would want to stay with a person who is having an ongoing affair.


Desperation? No I don't think so. This woman is in her 60s, facing down a life of starting over and so many unforeseeable events if she leaves. In this time, in this world, I can see every reason she doesn't leave, especially if they aren't having sex or acting as a romantically married couple anymore.

@j1958, you are in a tough place. You have really hard decisions to face in your life but they all come down to you. Can you live a life as a non-romantic life partner to your husband? Can you continue to witness his disregard of your marriage and relationship and continue a platonic situation with him for the long run? Would you be financially and physically safe if you separated or divorced and would that bring you peace of mind? You should take into account every scenario and go with the one that you can look back on in 10 years and not regret. That's my opinion. Perhaps that means waiting in your relationship as it is, until you can't do it anymore. I don't know what that means for you. But @Openminded divorced her husband around the same age, what she did was incredibly brave, (though I'm not saying you have to do the same to be brave). At least you can rest easy knowing someone else did it at the same age and she made it. She's good. You can be too if that's what you want. If you continue to stay with him and look the other way, that will feel just like it has been. Obviously it bothers you, but you don't seem enraged or depressed, so maybe it's not bad enough for you personally leave?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

QuietRiot said:


> Desperation? No I don't think so. This woman is in her 60s, facing down a life of starting over and so many unforeseeable events if she leaves. In this time, in this world, I can see every reason she doesn't leave, especially if they aren't having sex or acting as a romantically married couple anymore.
> 
> @j1958, you are in a tough place. You have really hard decisions to face in your life but they all come down to you. Can you live a life as a non-romantic life partner to your husband? Can you continue to witness his disregard of your marriage and relationship and continue a platonic situation with him for the long run? Would you be financially and physically safe if you separated or divorced and would that bring you peace of mind? You should take into account every scenario and go with the one that you can look back on in 10 years and not regret. That's my opinion. Perhaps that means waiting in your relationship as it is, until you can't do it anymore. I don't know what that means for you. But @Openminded divorced her husband around the same age, what she did was incredibly brave, (though I'm not saying you have to do the same to be brave). At least you can rest easy knowing someone else did it at the same age and she made it. She's good. You can be too if that's what you want. If you continue to stay with him and look the other way, that will feel just like it has been. Obviously it bothers you, but you don't seem enraged or depressed, so maybe it's not bad enough for you personally leave?


Peoples marriage end all the time for older people.Or their spouses die. If they are reasonably well off then neither will need to live in poverty. They will probably either both be working or retired with pensions. Better than being with a lying cheater.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

QuietRiot said:


> Desperation? No I don't think so. This woman is in her 60s, facing down a life of starting over and so many unforeseeable events if she leaves. In this time, in this world, I can see every reason she doesn't leave, especially if they aren't having sex or acting as a romantically married couple anymore.
> 
> @j1958, you are in a tough place. You have really hard decisions to face in your life but they all come down to you. Can you live a life as a non-romantic life partner to your husband? Can you continue to witness his disregard of your marriage and relationship and continue a platonic situation with him for the long run? Would you be financially and physically safe if you separated or divorced and would that bring you peace of mind? You should take into account every scenario and go with the one that you can look back on in 10 years and not regret. That's my opinion. Perhaps that means waiting in your relationship as it is, until you can't do it anymore. I don't know what that means for you. But @Openminded divorced her husband around the same age, what she did was incredibly brave, (though I'm not saying you have to do the same to be brave). At least you can rest easy knowing someone else did it at the same age and she made it. She's good. You can be too if that's what you want. If you continue to stay with him and look the other way, that will feel just like it has been. Obviously it bothers you, but you don't seem enraged or depressed, so maybe it's not bad enough for you personally leave?


Thanks, QR.

The truth is that I was definitely scared that late in life to get out. Hard to describe. It was a strange time and I will never again let myself be in that situation. My life is good now and I greatly enjoy it but it’s very different from what it was. I think many people stay because of fear of the unknown, which I get, and I think OP will be one who does. Hopefully, it will be worth it for her. It stopped being worth it for me. That, I think, is the key.


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## Coloratura (Sep 28, 2021)

I am in a similar situation. I am 51, married 27 years to a serial cheater. He has maintained an 8 year relationship with the OW, which I only recently learned. I learned he started that affair at the beginning, but thought he had ended it only to find out he had not. I also now have reason to believe he has had several other affairs as well.

I have two children, now 20 and 15. They are the reason I stayed the first time. That, plus my husband’s promises that it would never happen again. I learned about the continuation of his affair when my son walked in on them kissing this summer. Needless to say, his affair has destroyed his relationship with our son. Your children may not know about your husband’s affair yet, but know that if they find out, it might change your views.

Whenever I consider staying with my husband for financial reasons or just because we have been together most of our lives, my thoughts return to two things - what am I teaching my children, especially my daughter, by staying? And, how could he have hurt me so deeply if he claims to love me? I would never in a million years have done this to him. So, why does he get to do this to me with no consequence?

I know that when I leave my husband, I will be in a scary place financially. I know I might have to sell the house I love so much, which was my parents’ house before me. I know I will be starting over in middle age in all respects. I will likely have to find a new career which pays more, giving up my teaching job that I absolutely love with all my heart. I will be giving up the security of retirement which is tied up in his business. 

And still, while I know my life will be much more difficult day-to-day, and I know there will be hard times ahead, I don’t know that I can continue to remain with a narcissistic man who has so openly disrespected me for so many years.

When I am 80 (if I make it that far!), I don’t want to look back on my life knowing that I could have had a chance to be loved by someone completely, and loved for who I am. Someone who does not belittle me or make me feel defective. And, even if there is no one else out there for me, at least I can live every day fully myself, even if I am alone. What would it be like to live a life free from someone who once called me “the most boring and bland person possible”, who once whispered to me in a heavily sarcastic tone, “Let me guess - you just want someone to love you for who you are”.

I haven’t left my husband yet because I am getting my ducks in a row. I am frightened of the future but I find strength in this forum.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

How did you find out about this second affair?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Coloratura said:


> I am in a similar situation. I am 51, married 27 years to a serial cheater. He has maintained an 8 year relationship with the OW, which I only recently learned. I learned he started that affair at the beginning, but thought he had ended it only to find out he had not. I also now have reason to believe he has had several other affairs as well.
> 
> I have two children, now 20 and 15. They are the reason I stayed the first time. That, plus my husband’s promises that it would never happen again. I learned about the continuation of his affair when my son walked in on them kissing this summer. Needless to say, his affair has destroyed his relationship with our son. Your children may not know about your husband’s affair yet, but know that if they find out, it might change your views.
> 
> ...


Wise words. You will be fine. My first marriage ended after 25 years when I was in my 40's. After 6 years when I was 50 I married a lovely man. 
I too had to sell my home, it's not easy.


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## j1958 (Mar 18, 2021)

Can very much relate to getting "ducks in a row". I was watching a show where a wife was explaining why she hadn't divorced her husband, and she explained the term "Sunk Cost Fallacy" as to explain why she stayed in the relationship. It struck a chord with me. Hope when it comes down to it, that "Sunk Cost Fallacy" doesn't out weigh my ducks in a row.🦆


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

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QuietRiot said:


> Desperation? No I don't think so. This woman is in her 60s, facing down a life of starting over and so many unforeseeable events if she leaves. In this time, in this world, I can see every reason she doesn't leave, especially if they aren't having sex or acting as a romantically married couple anymore.



OP can't go back and undo things, but she told us her SO had an affair 15 years ago. Since she stayed with him then, it would have been prudent for her to have begun working on an exit plan then. That doesn't mean she needed to leave him when she had it made, completed mind you.

She's had a long time to make an exit plan. She could have worked on it for 3, 4, 5 years or more so she would have had it in place in case something like this happened.

Again, she can't go back and do that.

So many think, feel or say they are "stuck". Stuck is a choice or many times stuck is a choice or choices they failed to make along the way that leads them to being stuck in the present.

OP could begin working on an exit plan right now, even if it took her a few years to complete and implement or she could just choose to keep living this way, it's her life and her choice.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> [
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Yes, and I could have invested in Amazon stock 15 years ago and boy would my life be different. 

My point was at 60, many people don’t care to uproot their life and start over.

I think a lot of people look at the “good ol days” where people stayed married for life, but forget that there was a lot of looking the other way in those times. Marriages were more of necessity than a function of emotion. Perhaps this is what OP has. I was simply trying to clarify, not instruct her on what to do.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> Yes, and I could have invested in Amazon stock 15 years ago and boy would my life be different.
> 
> My point was at 60, many people don’t care to uproot their life and start over.
> 
> I think a lot of people look at the “good ol days” where people stayed married for life, but forget that there was a lot of looking the other way in those times. Marriages were more of necessity than a function of emotion. Perhaps this is what OP has. I was simply trying to clarify, not instruct her on what to do.



It's my hope and wish that OP doesn't choose to stay like this just because she's afraid of change.

To me, it's sad when a person knowingly chooses to remain in a bad relationship because they are afraid of doing what is necessary to extract themselves from it.

It's not a good look for a person to stay in a relationship that's bad. Their family, friends and children all know it, it's not a good example to set for one's children either.

I'm not much younger than the OP so I get what you said about things being different back then. Hell, I've been divorced almost 16 years now.

Even though I wish she'd leave, I'm not telling her she has to. My point is more nuanced than that, than for her to just leave.

I don't like it when people choose to settle, to accept less than they should. I'm not talking about OP now, but many stay and are doormats and that's not good either.

I've known many people at OP's age who do things and not just leave a bad relationship. I've known people in their 60's to go to college, to go to grad school. So many think why go at that age? Those people just don't get it.

One shouldn't just throw in the towel and simply exist instead of really living.

I want OP to live, to be happy, to be proud of herself etc. That's what I want, hope and wish for OP.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> It's my hope and wish that OP doesn't choose to stay like this just because she's afraid of change.
> 
> To me, it's sad when a person knowingly chooses to remain in a bad relationship because they are afraid of doing what is necessary to extract themselves from it.
> 
> ...


I agree with all of this. Unfortunately I just don’t think most people leave. The older they are, the less likely they are to go. And I get the fear and hesitation. 

I hope she, and everyone, seek a more peaceful life. Either leave well, or stay well. Limbo is a horrid existence.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

QuietRiot said:


> I agree with all of this. Unfortunately I just don’t think most people leave. The older they are, the less likely they are to go. And I get the fear and hesitation.
> 
> I hope she, and everyone, seek a more peaceful life. Either leave well, or stay well. Limbo is a horrid existence.


Yes, IME, most people in long marriages stay. I know more than a few among my family and friends who are doing that. They are betting they’ll be the last one standing and not have to disrupt their lives, split assets, have family take sides, endure the strong disapproval of everyone due to getting a divorce late in life, etc. Sympathy goes to the widow — not to the divorcée. It was worth it to me but it’s not worth it to many.


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## j1958 (Mar 18, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Yes, IME, most people in long marriages stay. I know more than a few among my family and friends who are doing that. They are betting they’ll be the last one standing and not have to disrupt their lives, split assets, have family take sides, endure the strong disapproval of everyone due to getting a divorce late in life, etc. Sympathy goes to the widow — not to the divorcée. It was worth it to me but it’s not worth it to many.


I will admit the thought of that tag line of the show Survivor: Outwit, outlast, outplay. Standing in the way of them going off to Happily Ever After land with the Unicorns. Then realizing I'm just opening myself up to death by a thousand paper cuts. (yeah, I'm queen of cliches). Sadly, I seem to be paralyzed by inaction. Haven't gotten over the fear of change. I thing that's why the' Sunk Cost Fallacy theory captured my attention. the theory helps justify my in-acttion😔.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Don’t be down on yourself!! Self preservation is a key motivation in everyone’s life. If you can live with it and find happiness doing other things then go far it. You currently have his house and money. I think you need a girls vacation. Don’t forget to send the skank a black rose when he dies with a note that says “ You’ll have to dig him up to fuk him now”.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

j1958 said:


> I thing that's why the' Sunk Cost Fallacy theory captured my attention. the theory helps justify my in-acttion😔.


Fallacy means a mistaken belief. The theory explains why you are stuck - it does not justify inaction.


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

Coloratura said:


> I am in a similar situation. I am 51, married 27 years to a serial cheater. He has maintained an 8 year relationship with the OW, which I only recently learned. I learned he started that affair at the beginning, but thought he had ended it only to find out he had not. I also now have reason to believe he has had several other affairs as well.
> 
> I have two children, now 20 and 15. They are the reason I stayed the first time. That, plus my husband’s promises that it would never happen again. I learned about the continuation of his affair when my son walked in on them kissing this summer. Needless to say, his affair has destroyed his relationship with our son. Your children may not know about your husband’s affair yet, but know that if they find out, it might change your views.
> 
> ...





Openminded said:


> Yes, IME, most people in long marriages stay. I know more than a few among my family and friends who are doing that. They are betting they’ll be the last one standing and not have to disrupt their lives, split assets, have family take sides, endure the strong disapproval of everyone due to getting a divorce late in life, etc. Sympathy goes to the widow — not to the divorcée. It was worth it to me but it’s not worth it to many.


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

Leaving to prove something isn't a reason to leave. Either you leave because leaving works fo you, or you stay because staying works for you. Everyone lives under different circumstances and circumstances can change so it is a moving target. Staying for now can turn into leaving later and that doesn't mean it has to turn into regretting your previous choice, but rather you had a strategy and waited for the right time; kids are finished with school, money has been made so no need to be concerned anymore about splitting the assets because there is more than enough to go around, when perhaps previously there wasn't, and so on. And who knows, you can stay, and in the meantime you could walk around the corner tomorrow and meet somebody that you would not have ever been open to getting to know if you had not found out about your spouses affair and all of a sudden you have something to leave for. So no need to pile on the pressure, there are always multiple ways to move forward, but in terms of making sense out of what you are dealing with, if you need to negotiate with your spouse in order to motivate them to end the affair, or craft a separation agreement, do so before you lose your leverage, too much time to adjust to the new reality can cause your spouse to realize they can do what ever they want and have it anyway they want and there will be no price to pay.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Does he think public opinion is really important? Can you leverage the current affair into a post nuptial agreement?


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## VintageRetro (Apr 13, 2021)

j1958 said:


> When my husband had his first affair 15 years ago, we went through what a lot of people do in this situation. Short version: I do the pick me dance, WS tries to juggle both of us, truth comes out, I'm finally ready to divorce when he decides to stay. Unfortunately he was not a true remorseful WS, and is currently having another affair.
> 
> I know 15 years ago, when I was doing the pick me dance, my children were young and I also used that as a reason to "fight for our marriage". That doesn't apply now. Now I'm in my 60's, and not so ready to confront and divorce. Heard the term "Sunk Cost Fallacy" which "describes our tendency to follow through on an endeavor if we have already invested time, effort, or money into it, whether or not the current costs outweigh the benefits." I think this best explains why I'm staying silent and waiting. Almost 30 years of marriage, that and fear of the future and change.
> 
> Just wondering about others who know and have not confronted. What's keeping you in Limbo?


I don't have any advice. My story is here on TAM so I won't go into details. I am currently going through a somewhat unique situation myself that will ultimately result in our divorce. Your current situation, and I mean no offense, is what scares me. I can't live a life with me ww and then one day realize I regret my decision. 

I wish you the best. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 Pro using Tapatalk


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