# Vacation Problem



## AVR1962

Let me hear your thoughts. Been dating this man for 3 years. Thursday night when I saw him he told me that he had booked a vacation for himself. He did the same about 6 months ago and it was no big deal. I have traveled extensively and I have no desire to go back to Africa which is where he was going. I wished him well, he contacted me from Africa, brought me back a gift, showed me his pictures and told me about his experiences. This one got to me though, more so because he planned this while I was looking for vacation plans for us to do together......he did not know that however. I said nothing Thursday night and then yesterday I asked where he is going. He is going to Brazil and Argentina. Destination I have not been, he will be gone 2 weeks. It bothers me that he did not ask me to go with him when I was thinking of vacation plans but wanting to plan to do my time with him. 

So I tell him I was disappointed and explain that I too had been looking at vacations but I had been looking for us both to go together. He replies that he too was looking at vacations we could do together. Not sure I believe that. He offers two nights in a resort in Austin, TX....we live in the Fort Worth, TX area. I had been looking at Niagra Falls. So I am bummed that I was not invited on the trip to Brazil, probably he spent a pretty penny on the trip. If I say I would rather go to Niagra Falls than his resort idea I am afraid he won't make other offers as he will feel his suggestion was not good enough.


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## D0nnivain

After 3 years the fact that neither of you seemed to have raised the vacation together subject before now seems odd to me. 

I think part of this is that you didn't say anything about the Africa vacation, so he thought separate vacations were OK. 

Can you tag along on this trip? If you can't get the time off or don't have the money saved up, that is one thing. If you are not welcome, it's time to re-evaluate the whole relationship. 

It's long past time to sit down & talk about your expectations around vacations & come to some conclusions / ground rules that work for both of you.


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## minimalME

So, on his own he travels all over the world, but offers you two nights in a spot that's 3.5 hours away?

For me that would be a 'no'. 😂

And, to me, editing yourself out of fear is never a good choice. I mean, traveling together (or even just making plans) should be fun, but for some reason, for the two of you, it's awkward?


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## pastasauce79

My husband and I love to travel internationally. We both talked about this a few weeks after we started seeing each other. We traveled together a few times before getting married. 

By now you know he likes to travel. Why haven't you mentioned you'd like to plan a vacation with him? I think this is your issue, not his. Is there a reason why you don't feel comfortable talking about traveling with him? 3 years is a long time to know each other's hobbies and wants.


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## PieceOfSky

You could ask him directly why he didn’t invite you, or even feel out your level of interest. Because you’d like to understand.


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## Diana7

Do you live together? I find it very odd that after such a long time you still aren't holidaying together.


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## AVR1962

D0nnivain said:


> After 3 years the fact that neither of you seemed to have raised the vacation together subject before now seems odd to me.
> 
> I think part of this is that you didn't say anything about the Africa vacation, so he thought separate vacations were OK.
> 
> Can you tag along on this trip? If you can't get the time off or don't have the money saved up, that is one thing. If you are not welcome, it's time to re-evaluate the whole relationship.
> 
> It's long past time to sit down & talk about your expectations around vacations & come to some conclusions / ground rules that work for both of you.


Don't get me wrong here. We have vacationed together and we have vacationed separately, no issues. Yes, I think you are correct, he planned the vacation thinking I would have have an issue with it and he even said so after I mentioned it. I am struggling to understand why I am feeling the way I do and I think it is because I was wanting to plan something together but of course he did not know this as I had not mentioned to him that I was looking. He has a birthday coming up and I wanted it to be a surprise.


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## AVR1962

minimalME said:


> So, on his own he travels all over the world, but offers you two nights in a spot that's 3.5 hours away?
> 
> For me that would be a 'no'. 😂
> 
> And, to me, editing yourself out of fear is never a good choice. I mean, traveling together (or even just making plans) should be fun, but for some reason, for the two of you, it's awkward?


That's how I am feeling. I was shocked when he offered Austin!!!! We might as well stay here and just go to a resort in Dallas and save the time on the road.


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## AVR1962

Diana7 said:


> Do you live together? I find it very odd that after such a long time you still aren't holidaying together.


No, we do not live together. I agree to some extent about not traveling together. I have been to so many places he has not been to so I had no desire to do a long flight to Africa. Tripe I usually take are to visit my lady friends or family in other states so I do not ask him to join on those trips.


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## ewam

AVR1962 said:


> No, we do not live together. I agree to some extent about not traveling together. I have been to so many places he has not been to so I had no desire to do a long flight to Africa. Tripe I usually take are to visit my lady friends or family in other states so I do not ask him to join on those trips.
> for a couple that see each other for 3 years now you seem still to lead quite separate lives


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## Lostinthought61

AVR1962 said:


> That's how I am feeling. I was shocked when he offered Austin!!!! We might as well stay here and just go to a resort in Dallas and save the time on the road.


I live in austin, trust me it is not that great and right now the weather is worse then in fort worth. How about cape cod


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## Diana7

AVR1962 said:


> No, we do not live together. I agree to some extent about not traveling together. I have been to so many places he has not been to so I had no desire to do a long flight to Africa. Tripe I usually take are to visit my lady friends or family in other states so I do not ask him to join on those trips.


Is there any reason why you are not either married or living together after so long?


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## AVR1962

Lostinthought61 said:


> I live in austin, trust me it is not that great and right now the weather is worse then in fort worth. How about cape cod


Any place to escape this heat, this has been vicious!!!! We have had no rain since May. Something like 20 days straight of highs 100 and above.


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## AVR1962

Diana7 said:


> Is there any reason why you are not either married or living together after so long?


I do not move that fast. After my last marriage I told myself I would date at least 4 years before ever entertaining the idea. I want to know the person I am dating very well. No plans to jump into a situation where hormones are racing and blinded by the thought of love.


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## DownByTheRiver

AVR1962 said:


> Any place to escape this heat, this has been vicious!!!! We have had no rain since May. Something like 20 days straight of highs 100 and above.


Yeah, you know how hot Texas is now, so not exactly a vacation, is it? To me, it's even too hot to go jump in the cold San Marcos. Why not suggest you go someplace cool that doesn't take a lot of preplanning. Check Colorado and see what it's like there. You need to just suggest some things. He might already have made his Brazil plans though.


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## SunCMars

I would be interested in what he did in Africa and Brazil.

My first thought was the plethora of available women, for a modest price.

I may be totally off base, but I know how middle aged, single men, think and act.

My apologies for bringing this up.


_Are Dee-_


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## AVR1962

DownByTheRiver said:


> Yeah, you know how hot Texas is now, so not exactly a vacation, is it? To me, it's even too hot to go jump in the cold San Marcos. Why not suggest you go someplace cool that doesn't take a lot of preplanning. Check Colorado and see what it's like there. You need to just suggest some things. He might already have made his Brazil plans though.


He has made his Brazil plans. I did suggest we do something another time. I mentioned I had thought of Niagra Falls but he did not respond


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## AVR1962

SunCMars said:


> I would be interested in what he did in Africa and Brazil.
> 
> My first thought was the plethora of available women, for a modest price.
> 
> I may be totally off base, but I know how middle aged, single men, think and act.
> 
> My apologies for bringing this up.
> 
> 
> _Are Dee-_


Well, I sure hope that is not the case. I know when he went to Africa he did it as a group tour. I saw pictures of the group. Kind of doubt that was part of their itinerary.


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## DownByTheRiver

AVR1962 said:


> He has made his Brazil plans. I did suggest we do something another time. I mentioned I had thought of Niagra Falls but he did not respond


Does he know people at these destinations?


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## TexasMom1216

AVR1962 said:


> Well, I sure hope that is not the case. I know when he went to Africa he did it as a group tour. I saw pictures of the group. Kind of doubt that was part of their itinerary.


It's not just possible but likely. You are not the only one he's seeing. Sounds like he's keeping you on the backburner. I'd cut contact and move on. It should be easy with him being gone; just don't reply when he contacts you.


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## Openminded

Is this the same guy who wanted to keep things cool and casual?


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## AandM

AVR1962 said:


> Let me hear your thoughts. Been dating this man for 3 years. Thursday night when I saw him he told me that he had booked a vacation for himself. He did the same about 6 months ago and it was no big deal. I have traveled extensively and I have no desire to go back to Africa which is where he was going. I wished him well, he contacted me from Africa, brought me back a gift, showed me his pictures and told me about his experiences. This one got to me though, more so because he planned this while I was looking for vacation plans for us to do together......he did not know that however. I said nothing Thursday night and then yesterday I asked where he is going. He is going to Brazil and Argentina. Destination I have not been, he will be gone 2 weeks. It bothers me that he did not ask me to go with him when I was thinking of vacation plans but wanting to plan to do my time with him.
> 
> So I tell him I was disappointed and explain that I too had been looking at vacations but I had been looking for us both to go together. He replies that he too was looking at vacations we could do together. Not sure I believe that. He offers two nights in a resort in Austin, TX....we live in the Fort Worth, TX area. I had been looking at Niagra Falls. So I am bummed that I was not invited on the trip to Brazil, probably he spent a pretty penny on the trip. If I say I would rather go to Niagra Falls than his resort idea I am afraid he won't make other offers as he will feel his suggestion was not good enough.


Damn. I swear, all of these years - I thought you were a dude.


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## Marc878

Meh, sounds like it’s all about him. I think I’d move on. He’s shown you what you need to know.


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## frusdil

I would be very upset if my boyfriend, especially a long term one, made holiday plans without telling me.


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## frusdil

frusdil said:


> I would be very upset if my boyfriend, especially a long term one, made holiday plans without telling me.


Sorry, I was in a hurry when I posted earlier, I feel I didn't finish what I was saying.

The reason I'd be upset, is because his planning a big trip away would show me that I don't factor into his life in any real, meaningful way. I don't factor into his decision making process at all. That would hurt me terribly, because like most women in a relationship, how something would affect my man is always front and centre of my thought process.


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## Diana7

AVR1962 said:


> I do not move that fast. After my last marriage I told myself I would date at least 4 years before ever entertaining the idea. I want to know the person I am dating very well. No plans to jump into a situation where hormones are racing and blinded by the thought of love.


If a guy hadn't asked me to marry him after 3 years I would assume he didn't want to get married or be committed. It's a long time to date and still be living separate lives, booking holidays without telling each other etc.
If neither of you know if you want to marry or live together after so long I doubt you ever will.


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## Affaircare

AVR1962 said:


> Let me hear your thoughts. Been dating this man for 3 years. Thursday night when I saw him he told me that he had booked a vacation for himself. He did the same about 6 months ago and it was no big deal. I have traveled extensively and I have no desire to go back to Africa which is where he was going. I wished him well, he contacted me from Africa, brought me back a gift, showed me his pictures and told me about his experiences. This one got to me though, more so because he planned this while I was looking for vacation plans for us to do together......he did not know that however. I said nothing Thursday night and then yesterday I asked where he is going. He is going to Brazil and Argentina. Destination I have not been, he will be gone 2 weeks. It bothers me that he did not ask me to go with him when I was thinking of vacation plans but wanting to plan to do my time with him.
> 
> So I tell him I was disappointed and explain that I too had been looking at vacations but I had been looking for us both to go together. He replies that he too was looking at vacations we could do together. Not sure I believe that. He offers two nights in a resort in Austin, TX....we live in the Fort Worth, TX area. I had been looking at Niagra Falls. So I am bummed that I was not invited on the trip to Brazil, probably he spent a pretty penny on the trip. If I say I would rather go to Niagra Falls than his resort idea I am afraid he won't make other offers as he will feel his suggestion was not good enough.


@AVR1962,

First, I’m not going to tell you how to conduct your relationship—that’s for you to decide 😊

Second, if you’ve been dating this fella for 3 years, why can’t you say to him, “Hey I was looking for vacations for the two of us. I feel a little left out that you didn’t consider me in your travel plans.” Period. I mean why can’t you just state it right out like that? You are self-aware and you’ve been with him a long time—I’d think you could share yourself like that.

Finally, I suspect you’re not asking us for travel advice or relationship advice so much as saying “Hey how come this bothers me?” Here’s my opinion: I suspect it bothers you because you were including him and he wasn’t including you. Thus you feel a bit left out. The issue, though, is that you’re sending mixed signals: we can travel independently but we can’t…we can be independent of each other but we can’t. So I’d say explore that and figure out which one you really want. Do you want to be considered and be mutual and be a couple…or do you want to be free to both do your own thing and be independent and be singles who mingle (lol)?

Once you’ve figured out which one you want, then respectfully ask for that and hold yourself to the same standard. Yes, you give up some “single freedom” being a couple, but you gain being included.


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## 2&out

I agree you should take a vacation out of Texas - permanently


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## Livvie

Is this the guy you left to spend time with another ex boyfriend, then came back to?


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## Openminded

Livvie said:


> Is this the guy you left to spend time with another ex boyfriend, then came back to?


If it is, he’s probably okay with things being very casual.


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## uwe.blab

AVR1962 said:


> Let me hear your thoughts. Been dating this man for 3 years. Thursday night when I saw him he told me that he had booked a vacation for himself. He did the same about 6 months ago and it was no big deal. I have traveled extensively and I have no desire to go back to Africa which is where he was going. I wished him well, he contacted me from Africa, brought me back a gift, showed me his pictures and told me about his experiences. This one got to me though, more so because he planned this while I was looking for vacation plans for us to do together......he did not know that however. I said nothing Thursday night and then yesterday I asked where he is going. He is going to Brazil and Argentina. Destination I have not been, he will be gone 2 weeks. It bothers me that he did not ask me to go with him when I was thinking of vacation plans but wanting to plan to do my time with him.
> 
> So I tell him I was disappointed and explain that I too had been looking at vacations but I had been looking for us both to go together. He replies that he too was looking at vacations we could do together. Not sure I believe that. He offers two nights in a resort in Austin, TX....we live in the Fort Worth, TX area. I had been looking at Niagra Falls. So I am bummed that I was not invited on the trip to Brazil, probably he spent a pretty penny on the trip. If I say I would rather go to Niagra Falls than his resort idea I am afraid he won't make other offers as he will feel his suggestion was not good enough.


Maybe he is not married because he does not want to share his entire life with another person. Seems like he enjoys solo vacations.


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## Blondilocks

Livvie said:


> Is this the guy you left to spend time with another ex boyfriend, then came back to?


Ding, ding, ding. We all know what is going on here. Except for one, apparentty.


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## Livvie

Blondilocks said:


> Ding, ding, ding. We all know what is going on here. Except for one, apparentty.


See other thread that was bumped. OP broke up with this current guy 2 years ago. Somehow they must have ended up back in some sort of relationship.


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## Ursula

frusdil said:


> I would be very upset if my boyfriend, especially a long term one, made holiday plans without telling me.


Yup, ditto. It's one thing for each other to KNOW about these things well ahead of time, and be OK with them, but to spring it on them after years together wouldn't be a positive thing.


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## Ursula

Diana7 said:


> If a guy hadn't asked me to marry him after 3 years I would assume he didn't want to get married or be committed. It's a long time to date and still be living separate lives, booking holidays without telling each other etc.
> If neither of you know if you want to marry or live together after so long I doubt you ever will.


Not necessarily, some people just take a little more time rather than just jumping in. I got engaged to my XH after 3 months of dating, married 10 months after that. Been dating my current BF for almost 3.5 years now, and we're just making plans to move in. His first marriage was rushed as well, and he has kids to think about. It's nice to have hard and fast plans to take the next step, but neither of us was in a rush. So, OP and her guy could still end up taking that next step, or not too. They both need to be on the same page and communicate about it.


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## uwe.blab

Livvie said:


> See other thread that was bumped. OP broke up with this current guy 2 years ago. Somehow they must have ended up back in some sort of relationship.


Based on the other thread, this BF is not as attached as she might want him to be. OP was very surprised he was not upset when she broke up with him for the other guy 2 years ago. Like I said before, he seems to like doing his own thing at times. He definitely wanted this new vacation to be solo. And....they are not married so she just needs to figure out if she is ok with who he is. 

The previous thread made it sound like she doesnt understand him very well. 

Which is why I wonder how they ended up together again....


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## Openminded

I think it started as less attachment on his side than on yours and may be still that way. You might want to marry him but he might not want to marry you or anyone else for that matter.


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## Evinrude58

Sounds like he likes the single life to me….
I may take a trip to Argentina myself, do a littie hunting for birds and dears.


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## LisaDiane

Evinrude58 said:


> Sounds like he likes the single life to me….
> I may take a trip to Argentina myself, do a littie hunting for birds and *dears.*


"Dears"...??? Was that an intentional or Freudian slip...? Lol!!!


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## Diana7

Ursula said:


> Not necessarily, some people just take a little more time rather than just jumping in. I got engaged to my XH after 3 months of dating, married 10 months after that. Been dating my current BF for almost 3.5 years now, and we're just making plans to move in. His first marriage was rushed as well, and he has kids to think about. It's nice to have hard and fast plans to take the next step, but neither of us was in a rush. So, OP and her guy could still end up taking that next step, or not too. They both need to be on the same page and communicate about it.


I just cant call 3 years jumping in. Its a long time not to know if you want to get married or at least live together.


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## Evinrude58

LisaDiane said:


> "Dears"...??? Was that an intentional or Freudian slip...? Lol!!!


Intentional…… I’m single and I hear there are lots of beautiful women there.

I think it foolish to believe the guy wants to go to those places with zero companionship…….


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## Ursula

Diana7 said:


> I just cant call 3 years jumping in. Its a long time not to know if you want to get married or at least live together.


I agree, 3 years isn't jumping in at all. But, perhaps the time before that would be considered jumping in to the OP. For BF and I, it took him over a year to tell me he loved me; I'd never move in with or marry someone who didn't say that beforehand. Maybe OP and her BF are just really slow-moving, only they know if they're ready for that next step.


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## Evinrude58

No man who is truly in love with a woman plans 2 week solo vacations. He’s be miserable being away from her that long.
That’s just my opinion based on how I’d be.

Now if I enjoyed her company but really didn’t love her, yeah I’d plan a vacation without her. 
I don’t think the OP is truly in love with him either, otherwise they’d be together more and discussing plans, nor would she break up and go back to her ex.

It almost sounds like the OP isn’t that bothered that it’s a vaca without her, but that it’s such a nice vaca and she’s jealous and wants to go too because of the destination and expense, not because she wants to be with him.


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## Diana7

Ursula said:


> I agree, 3 years isn't jumping in at all. But, perhaps the time before that would be considered jumping in to the OP. For BF and I, it took him over a year to tell me he loved me; I'd never move in with or marry someone who didn't say that beforehand. Maybe OP and her BF are just really slow-moving, only they know if they're ready for that next step.


From what has been said it seems he is wanting just to keep things casual. Which is ok if both feel the same way.


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## AVR1962

DownByTheRiver said:


> Does he know people at these destinations?


No, he is going on an organized group tour


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## DownByTheRiver

You may be perfectly fine with doing things separately. I don't have a huge problem with it and I've always traveled by myself more than anything. You should just know that he doesn't appear to be committed. And that may be fine with you also. But just remember that you're single and so is he unless you two have specifically agreed to be exclusive. Don't assume he is and he should not assume you are unless you have that agreement. Meanwhile you take whatever trip you want to.


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## AVR1962

Openminded said:


> Is this the same guy who wanted to keep things cool and casual?


Yes, we were initial both casual getting to know one another as friends. We went exclusive eventually, both of us were still dating others to begin with. He still has children living at home and after being in a step family and all the hardship I faced as a stepmom caring for my stepsons and the hatred & disrespect I received from him I have been very cautious as those wounds hurt and I cannot let myself feel that pain ever again. So everything between this guy and I has been slow. We talk about deep things and how issues from the past have effected us so he is very well aware of everything that happened with the step family. We do talk about his kids, he send me pictures of them. 

My thinking had been to be friends another couple years so only child would be left in his home and that would give us enough time to have got to know one another. I want our focus on us and many time when children are introduced then the kids become the focus and life circles around the life with the children. I love children, attach too easily so I just want his time right now. 

However, this 2 week trip does not set well. He knows I am upset and has reached out, he has apologized but that changes nothing. It just tells me I am more invested and I actually want to be on the same page. We are friends but this feels now that we are FWB which I was clear long time ago that I would not do and he claimed I was more than that to him. So I am just figuring out where I go from here.


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## AVR1962

DownByTheRiver said:


> You may be perfectly fine with doing things separately. I don't have a huge problem with it and I've always traveled by myself more than anything. You should just know that he doesn't appear to be committed. And that may be fine with you also. But just remember that you're single and so is he unless you two have specifically agreed to be exclusive. Don't assume he is and he should not assume you are unless you have that agreement. Meanwhile you take whatever trip you want to.


I traveled all the time without my husband and we were married for 24 years. Traveled without him before we married. Traveling by myself is not uncommon for me at all. I have done it all my life.


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## AVR1962

Ursula said:


> Not necessarily, some people just take a little more time rather than just jumping in. I got engaged to my XH after 3 months of dating, married 10 months after that. Been dating my current BF for almost 3.5 years now, and we're just making plans to move in. His first marriage was rushed as well, and he has kids to think about. It's nice to have hard and fast plans to take the next step, but neither of us was in a rush. So, OP and her guy could still end up taking that next step, or not too. They both need to be on the same page and communicate about it.


Yep! He felt pushed by his first wife and he agreed but wasn't 100% onboard and then I think she just kept pushing and resentment kicked in. For me the dating time with my ex was not enough. We were still high on love flames and neither of us want to make that same mistake which we have talked about.


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## DownByTheRiver

AVR1962 said:


> I traveled all the time without my husband and we were married for 24 years. Traveled without him before we married. Traveling by myself is not uncommon for me at all. I have done it all my life.


It's kind of nice in a way. If I'm with somebody traveling 24/7 I start getting cabin fever and little things start to bother me. What's happening what to do and when. It's nice to at least have the option even when you're in a relationship to travel separately, but you either have to not have commitment or really trust each other.


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## AVR1962

Affaircare said:


> @AVR1962,
> 
> First, I’m not going to tell you how to conduct your relationship—that’s for you to decide 😊
> 
> Second, if you’ve been dating this fella for 3 years, why can’t you say to him, “Hey I was looking for vacations for the two of us. I feel a little left out that you didn’t consider me in your travel plans.” Period. I mean why can’t you just state it right out like that? You are self-aware and you’ve been with him a long time—I’d think you could share yourself like that.
> 
> Finally, I suspect you’re not asking us for travel advice or relationship advice so much as saying “Hey how come this bothers me?” Here’s my opinion: I suspect it bothers you because you were including him and he wasn’t including you. Thus you feel a bit left out. The issue, though, is that you’re sending mixed signals: we can travel independently but we can’t…we can be independent of each other but we can’t. So I’d say explore that and figure out which one you really want. Do you want to be considered and be mutual and be a couple…or do you want to be free to both do your own thing and be independent and be singles who mingle (lol)?
> 
> Once you’ve figured out which one you want, then respectfully ask for that and hold yourself to the same standard. Yes, you give up some “single freedom” being a couple, but you gain being included.


I did tell him but not until he had told me he already booked this trip. His birthday is next week. He has his kids next week, all week. I was going to wait until after his time with his kids and mention Niagra Falls. Timing just did not line up.

We will both continue to travel separately as there are places he wants to go to yet that I have already been, also talked about this. So yes, that is probably why he was surprised. I would have liked to have been asked to join him and when he offers 2 days of his time at a resort after the fact it just does not feel very special. He and I will talk more about this but I have to organize my thoughts.


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## AVR1962

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's kind of nice in a way. If I'm with somebody traveling 24/7 I start getting cabin fever and little things start to bother me. What's happening what to do and when. It's nice to at least have the option even when you're in a relationship to travel separately, but you either have to not have commitment or really trust each other.


I hear ya! I have felt that way too. I have really enjoyed time with this guy I am seeing though and we have done trips together and had a great time. Had I not been looking at travel for us both already this might not have hit as hard. Now his vacation time is spent. I might be doing Niagra Falls by myself!!!!!


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## AVR1962

AandM said:


> Damn. I swear, all of these years - I thought you were a dude.


That's why I put a hound dog on my profile pic. I don't want people to know my gender necessarily when replying to a post.


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## DownByTheRiver

AVR1962 said:


> I hear ya! I have felt that way too. I have really enjoyed time with this guy I am seeing though and we have done trips together and had a great time. Had I not been looking at travel for us both already this might not have hit as hard. Now his vacation time is spent. I might be doing Niagra Falls by myself!!!!!


Yes, just put it behind you if you are okay with the way things are going. I know there are a couple of people on here who can tell you just where to go at Niagara falls because they were telling Minimal Me before she went. Sure would be a nice cool trip for the summer. Wouldn't have to take that long either. One thing good about having separate trips sometimes is if you have pets the other one can stay behind and take care of them and it makes it so much easier to get away.


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## Openminded

AVR1962 said:


> Yes, we were initial both casual getting to know one another as friends. We went exclusive eventually, both of us were still dating others to begin with. He still has children living at home and after being in a step family and all the hardship I faced as a stepmom caring for my stepsons and the hatred & disrespect I received from him I have been very cautious as those wounds hurt and I cannot let myself feel that pain ever again. So everything between this guy and I has been slow. We talk about deep things and how issues from the past have effected us so he is very well aware of everything that happened with the step family. We do talk about his kids, he send me pictures of them.
> 
> My thinking had been to be friends another couple years so only child would be left in his home and that would give us enough time to have got to know one another. I want our focus on us and many time when children are introduced then the kids become the focus and life circles around the life with the children. I love children, attach too easily so I just want his time right now.
> 
> However, this 2 week trip does not set well. He knows I am upset and has reached out, he has apologized but that changes nothing. It just tells me I am more invested and I actually want to be on the same page. We are friends but this feels now that we are FWB which I was clear long time ago that I would not do and he claimed I was more than that to him. So I am just figuring out where I go from here.


Truthfully? You’ve only ever really been FWB. He may dance around that — and say a bunch of nice words to the contrary to keep you in play — but I’m afraid it’s reality. You’ll have to decide what you want to do with that.


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## AandM

AVR1962 said:


> That's why I put a hound dog on my profile pic. I don't want people to know my gender necessarily when replying to a post.


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## AVR1962

Openminded said:


> Truthfully? You’ve only ever really been FWB. He may dance around that — and say a bunch of nice words to the contrary to keep you in play — but I’m afraid it’s reality. You’ll have to decide what you want to do with that.


*7 Signs He Only Wants To Be Friends With Benefits*
*1. He's MIA on holidays
2. There are no check-in calls
3. You only get together to hook up
4. You spend no time together in the daylight
5. There's no agreement to be exclusive
6. He's not ready for a relationship
7. He shows minimal effort*

These don't apply


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## Openminded

AVR1962 said:


> *7 Signs He Only Wants To Be Friends With Benefits*
> *1. He's MIA on holidays
> 2. There are no check-in calls
> 3. You only get together to hook up
> 4. You spend no time together in the daylight
> 5. There's no agreement to be exclusive
> 6. He's not ready for a relationship
> 7. He shows minimal effort*
> 
> These don't apply


You said you were starting to feel you’re in a FWB situation. I agree. And, yes, I think you’re more invested than he is. I don’t think it’s likely that he will suddenly change after this amount of time. You’ll have to decide if you can continue as is.


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## LisaDiane

AVR1962 said:


> *7 Signs He Only Wants To Be Friends With Benefits*
> *1. He's MIA on holidays
> 2. There are no check-in calls
> 3. You only get together to hook up
> 4. You spend no time together in the daylight
> 5. There's no agreement to be exclusive
> 6. He's not ready for a relationship
> 7. He shows minimal effort*
> 
> These don't apply


These aren't the only signs either...there are others. And a person can do the things on this list, AND still only want casual sex with no commitment, so it's better to look at what is going on in YOUR relationship that shows a sexual interest from him with a desire to stay detached as well, instead of a simple checklist.


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## SunCMars

Evinrude58 said:


> Sounds like he likes the single life to me….
> I may take a trip to Argentina myself, do a littie hunting for birds and *dears.*


That was my earlier point.

Many countries are known for _easy women._
Uh, if that is a true possibility??

No, it is not. 

A price will be paid, regardless.

Long term, just make sure you get a fair deal.
This is where that compatibility factor fits in.


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## SunCMars

AVR1962 said:


> That's why I put a hound dog on my profile pic. I don't want people to know my gender necessarily when replying to a post.


Same here!


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## Blondilocks

AVR1962 said:


> . I broke things off with the ER doc shortly after my original post here. When I did I was shocked by his lack of expression or concern. Infact he offered that I could go to him for sex anytime which was the last thing I needed to hear.


^This was from your thread of July, 2020. You were FWB then and were not happy about it. When you dumped him for dentist, you basically screwed the pooch on ever developing a real relationship with Tiger. Tiger's ego will not permit him to ever be considered 2nd best - he's a doctor for pete's sake and already thinks he's a god.

I predict you will continue to chase after him as you have a pattern of chasing unavailable/uninterested men.


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## Evinrude58

OP must be quite a hottie!!!!!!


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## AVR1962

Evinrude58 said:


> OP must be quite a hottie!!!!!!


Quite a hottie?


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## AVR1962

Blondilocks said:


> ^This was from your thread of July, 2020. You were FWB then and were not happy about it. When you dumped him for dentist, you basically screwed the pooch on ever developing a real relationship with Tiger. Tiger's ego will not permit him to ever be considered 2nd best - he's a doctor for pete's sake and already thinks he's a god.
> 
> I predict you will continue to chase after him as you have a pattern of chasing unavailable/uninterested men.


Not chasing, that is for sure. I have made no contact since this post. He has contacted me, almost every day.


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## AVR1962

LisaDiane said:


> These aren't the only signs either...there are others. And a person can do the things on this list, AND still only want casual sex with no commitment, so it's better to look at what is going on in YOUR relationship that shows a sexual interest from him with a desire to stay detached as well, instead of a simple checklist.


Agree! I have decided he just wants to be fiends and friends we can be but friends in my book and friends according to his thinking are two different things.


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## Openminded

Maybe he’ll want to be more than FWB someday after his children are gone but for now life’s going the way he wants. You’ll have to decide if his way is your way because he’s probably not going to change.


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## Evinrude58

AVR1962 said:


> Quite a hottie?


Dr’s, dentists, and other high achievers often date very attractive women, I.e, “hotties”.
It wasn’t meant to be offensive.


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## AVR1962

Evinrude58 said:


> Dr’s, dentists, and other high achievers often date very attractive women, I.e, “hotties”.
> It wasn’t meant to be offensive.


I think the common link is that my dad worked in the veterinarian field so I was brought up among doctors and that is what I am used to dealing with.


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## Evinrude58

AVR1962 said:


> I think the common link is that my dad worked in the veterinarian field so I was brought up among doctors and that is what I am used to dealing with.


Yeah, you don’t say you’re not a hottie, so I’ll have to assume my observation was correct.
And the fact that you feel you are choosing to date doctors and such, rather than them choosing you.
It’s ok to admit you are an attractive person….😋.


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## AVR1962

Alot of people bash doctors for various reasons but I have known some real great men who are doctors with plenty of honesty and integrity. Downfall of dating a doctor is their career is very demanding which I get. Growing up my dad usually was gone 12 hours a day and worked part day Saturdays for many years. 

Being from the country and having so much responsibility and no boys in the family to do what needed to be done I find I have always been very independent. This is how my marriage lasted as long as it did. He was military and traveled quite alot and I just continued my own life. The instant couple thing is suffocating to me. I feel there are many people looking for co-dependent relationships which they call love, I don't see it as healthy.


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## AVR1962

Evinrude58 said:


> Yeah, you don’t say you’re not a hottie, so I’ll have to assume my observation was correct.
> And the fact that you feel you are choosing to date doctors and such, rather than them choosing you.
> It’s ok to admit you are an attractive person….😋.



View attachment 89178


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## minimalME

Beautiful! 🤗


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## AVR1962

UPDATE: We went to Cancun for a few days, had a wonderful time.


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## 342693

Hmm….a guy would never travel alone to foreign countries to see the sites and sample the local women, would he?

Red flag for me. Have a serious talk with him. If you don’t get satisfaction, time to move on.


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## AVR1962

SCDad01 said:


> Hmm….a guy would never travel alone to foreign countries to see the sites and sample the local women, would he?
> 
> Red flag for me. Have a serious talk with him. If you don’t get satisfaction, time to move on.


Men and women travel alone all the time. I belong to a singles travel group and we all travel all over by ourselves. I, personally, have traveled a great deal. What is really awesome is that you buy a travel package and the agency takes care of all the arrangements for you. I have done this to places like Turkey and Africa where traveling in a group was safer. He has done the same. Six months ago, he went to Africa texted and sent pics while on vacation, and showed me pictures when he got back. The groups was retirees which is typical for group travel. Brazil and Argentina have packages that look absolutely amazing....mountains, beach, very diverse and beautiful.


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## AVR1962

We had some real good conversations on our trip to Cancun. I did make clarification as to how I was feeling about his trip to Brazil. He let me know that he wants to be able to do things independently too and not lose his need for his independence. I think that is very real for both men and women who have been in marriages previously. We come out of a marriage and we work to rebuild ourselves and our lives as individuals. That person we get back, ourselves, we do not want to risk being tore down by another and it shouldn't happen but it does. We strive, in so many ways, to please that partner that sometimes we forget about our own happiness. For me, divorced 6 years, I have found it incredibly hard for me to get close emotionally. I keep holding out the invisible stop sign and I know I am doing it. I have ran a coupe times from this relationship. I know I have to come face to face with my own fears and I can respect his need for his time, his freedom and his choices.


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