# New Here and Have a Question about your relationship with your soon to be Ex



## lvbh (Apr 17, 2012)

Hi. 
I am going thru a divorce, married 14 years. Another woman was involved with my spouse. Without out all the ugly details I have a serious question about the relationship moving forward. We have a 6 year old so there will be no alienating anyone. My question is this. What is to be expected after the seperation as far as contact is concerned? I ask because we have been seperated for 3 months, and we are being sort of civil to each other. All of our conversations are about our child. Its so weird. I want to reach out to him durring the day just to chat, but I don't. He doesn't. He doesn't tell me anything that he is doing. I don't think I should ask. And its not to be nosey, I just don't know what a normal situation should be like. 
Thanks for responding.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

First, welcome to TAM, sorry you have to be here. I've been separated from my wife for five months. At first I tried to be her friend still, but that is too difficult. All the self help books, counselors, etc will tell you right now it's about you. Keep the conversations about the child, and any legal matter pertaining to the divorce. I know it's going to be tough, believe me I've backslided many times. However, the more you separate from your spouse, the better you will be able to recover. It's contrary to what you've always done. However, if this person was your friend he wouldn't have done this to you.

Besides, if you ask the question you don't want an answer to, more than likely you will get the answer you don't want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Keep the conversations solely focused on your son and his welfare. Let him know that you are still there for him, but are only a few minutes away if he should ever need you. And feel free to call him when you know that he'll be home.

And definitely consider getting primary custody of him. Provided you have the time for him and with rare exception, boys are so much better off getting to live with their Dads!


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

We've been separated 9 months. Something like that. We are very civil. Still have 1 weekend day "family" time where we are all together for a couple of hours. Children have adjusted well. It was rough at first.

We get along as friends. But, what you'll start to notice is, YOU will be the one who initiates any and all contact (unless specific to your son). YOU will be the one who gives, expecting nothing, compromises, sacrificing yourself, with nothing in return.

Over time, anger will start to swell. Afterall, how come YOU are the only one remaining friends, or trying to be civil, when you get nothing in return? Is it really in the interest of your son? Or, is it to win your husband back? Is it even in your best interests?

I'm right in the middle of this now. In an attempt to be friends, while detaching my romantic/married love, I am the one who initiates everything. It frustrates me, because I have the ultimate hope that we reconcile (sooner rather than later).

But, my immediate reaction is to be angered and bitter. I have to guard against that reaction as well.

Challenging times.


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## jenny123 (Mar 21, 2012)

My H and I don't even talk. It's been 5 weeks and he is still in the house. I only text him to ask him if he's found a place yet. Our kids are teenagers, so he texts them directly. He is very immature and will not look at me or talk to me....and HE's the one wanting the separation. hmmmm..guilty of something???


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