# Broad vs. Deep Relationships



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I realize that this is a general question, but can a long term marriage work between a person who enjoys a deeper, emotional connection to their spouse, and a person who doesn't want to spend a lot of time fostering that type of "deepness". And if so, how?

My wife has literally hundreds of friends, and she can spend hours talking to them about what the kids are up to, what is going on at work, etc. But asking her to spend a few hours just being introspective and figuring out who we are, where we are going, and what we could become is sheer torture for her. 

My marriage has many issues but in a nutshell this is the biggest one. When I attempt to explore and learn about my wife so we can communicate and compromise and have a better marriage, she is basically uninterested. "I am who I am, you are who you are, and I accept it." Of course - she's not the one looking for something more so it's easy for her to accept. I used to think that her lack of desire for this connection was a problem, but over time I am accepting her for what she is... I'm just trying to figure out if the problem is with me for expecting an emotional connection with her.

Thanks for any thoughts.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Two problems I see.

1. You asking for too many words from your woman, and using too many words yourself to explore an emotional connection.

2. You asking your woman to be a leader and plot a course to a destination she neither even knows about or is interested to conceive.

So here's my advice for number 1. 

Words by themselves, not very attractive. Be creative to find other means to explore what you wish to explore.

Myself, it would need to be sexual exploration with my woman to reach new emotional territories. So techniques such as Kama Sutra experiences would be tremendously effective in such a scenario.

Other simple ideas, invite your woman to take a hike to a special remote beautiful place with meaning to you, and invite her to do this in perfect silence, only agreeing to share after the return trip each others emotions, and even then in the form of a poem, or a picture, or a song on guitar or something. See how creative you can be regarding this, and I assure you it will generate in due time all sorts of emotional communication.

Words themselves, not the only way we as men can communicate to our women, and our women to us, and explore each other emotionally.


So here's my advice for number 2.

Set your own vision, the journey, the possible destination, and points beyond, and invite your woman to join you on this journey. Do not sit back to assume you need her permission to begin this journey, assume instead it is your RESPONSIBILITY as man. Because it is!

Your vision of where your relatoinship with her can go, do not assume your woman can see it or conceive it or even dream it herself! 

Only together will you find it, and only from your willing to take on the responsibility and leadership will the journey even begin to find it's potential!

Do not wait for her permission, or her approval.

Put the pieces in place yourself that need putting in place. Take the steps yourself that need taking. Be bold, be confident, be creative, take your woman to places not another soul on this planet can take her, and learn from each other the deepest secrets and greatest fears and biggest dreams.

Words are just words.

We are what we do.

Get to doing!

I wish you well.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Acorn said:


> When I attempt to explore and learn about my wife so we can communicate and compromise and have a better marriage, she is basically uninterested. "I am who I am, you are who you are, and I accept it."


Well that's the relationship she wants; casual, functional. Like the humorist Oscar Levant once said "Underneath this flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character."




> I used to think that her lack of desire for this connection was a problem, but over time I am accepting her for what she is... I'm just trying to figure out if the problem is with me for expecting an emotional connection with her.


It is a problem. For you. For her, not so much. She probably likes the creature comforts, convenience, the logistics of marriage more than any of that 'deep' stuff. Some people aren't deep. They're not evil, just shallow. My wife for instance, if I was hit by a train today her only shock her only worry would be finances - who's going to pay for everything, who's going to work? And while I'm not quite worth more dead than alive, let's just say she wouldn't be eating cat food. But that's the 'depth' of her soul. She's a good friend to her friends and a reasonably good mother to her kids. But as a wife, either one of us is instantly replaceable with anyone, or a servant or a robot.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I may be off base here but my guess is the real issue is you are jealous of the attention your wife gives her friends. Then to make matters worse when you reach for her she blows you off basically saying you aren't important. And you aren't. That is the problem you need to fix not the emotional connection one.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I have been leaning very hard toward a trial separation in the coming month or two. She keeps telling me she's "willing to try", but that willingness to try doesn't include IC or anything else that might help us.

I was just asking the question because I, while I accept she does not want to give of herself deeply to the relationship, there are probably a lot of women that will once I heal. I still love her though. Makes it tough.

BBW - I have started writing a journal with my life's goals and stuff and I think you are right... I need to just do it, and if she wants to come along, great. Thanks.

RLD - Yes, she enjoys the financial stability of marriage and also she fears being alone. I think she loves me, but like a brother or something. Hard to explain. She'll be fine if I leave.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Acorn said:


> I was just asking the question because I, while I accept she does not want to give of herself deeply to the relationship, there are probably a lot of women that will once I heal. I still love her though. Makes it tough.


If your mind is starting to think that other women could give you the deep connection that you crave, in all honesty, your focus is straying from creating a truly deep connection with your wife anyway. Maybe you'll find she's not the right one for you... however, she's said she's willing to try. That's something. 

I completely agree with the thoughts and advice given to you by BBW.


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