# I am the Infidel...



## ScaredGirl3 (Apr 25, 2010)

I am 22 yrs old, and am engaged. I am set to be married in about 6 weeks, and finishing up college. I have been so busy these past few months, I've literally been dealing with nothing to do with my emotions, only things that need to get done (school, wedding, work, etc.). Here's my problem. Now that things are slowing down, I'm getting a slap in the face of reality, and my fiance is beginning to change his mind about many things we had discussed in previous months (money, where to live, children, etc.). This has seriously driven me overboard, and I have recently kissed another. I don't know if I am actually falling for this person, or the idea of the simple life again. I feel terrible about what I did, but I am scared. I tried talking to my fiance about my feelings, and he's very unrealistic - saying us not being together will never happen. Please, someone, tell me what I should do.


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## Oneoftheguys (Apr 25, 2010)

Sorry you are having such a difficult time right now. I don't think anyone can tell you what to do exactly. I'm not sure from your post what your fiance means by "that will never happen". Are you seeing some control issues? Did he really change his mind or did he lie to you in the first place to get you to agree to marry him? Just a word of advice....it is ok to step back and take a breath to re-evaluate your life. It is ok to postpone the wedding. I do believe most people would understand. If he is now "changing" it is possible you are starting to see the real man and not the one you thought you were planning a life with. Your stess does not cause him to behave this way. He is NOT listening to you. I think you know the answer. Be brave and don't worry about what anyone else thinks. The kiss with another man is a symptom of the bigger problem. Don't beat yourself up about it. Good luck.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

You are under an incredible amount of pressure! I think you kissed someone else on an impulse because your life is so rigid, at the moment, which brings me to the situation with your fiance. If you had agreed on things and now he is changing the rules? He will continue to change the rules after marriage. If he is discounting your input or not considering it? Get used to feeling like you don't matter. Either you plan your life together or not at all. Being ruled by another human being is not an option if you want to have a good life with good mental health.

Best,

Lyn


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

If at all possible, I would take a weekend with yourself and maybe a close girlfriend. Relax, let the stress melt away and look at everything as if you are watching another couple. Think about you guys, but look from the outside. Take your time and if you aren't ready to marry, then you simply aren't ready honey. There is no shame in that. But if you think you are going to hurt him with betrayal then get to the root of the problem and see if it can be fixed. Best of luck honey!


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## Keely (Apr 25, 2010)

You are just finishing school, and have not dated enough guys yet to settle down with a guy who is showing signs of becoming a control freak. 

Postpone your wedding for two years, if he loves you he will wait and prove he is the best man for you. 

If he is pissed off by the postponement, you know his love for you is shallow and controlling.

That kiss had energy, and I think it shows you would enjoy dating and kissing lots more guys before you take your vows.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Well said.

Lyn

:iagree:


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## ScaredGirl3 (Apr 25, 2010)

Wow. Lots of good advise. I talked with my fiance and he actually suggested that we postpone the wedding. He wasn't anywhere near happy about it, but the fact that he's trying to do what's best is a good sign. It's not that I don't love him, but it's very hard to emotionally deal with these things in such a short time span. I'm also going to contact a therapist whom I was seeing last year and seek out her advice. Thank you everyone for letting me know I'm not a terrible person, and my feelings are legitimate.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Your feelings are always legitimate. What you are feeling alerts you to problems, whether it is with someone else or within yourself. Always pay attention to your gut.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Bravo for the postpone! He seems to be having control issues and you are so young, not a good sign. YOU are not responsible for HIS feelings, no matter what he says. Kissing someone else in my opinion is a subconcious desire to not marry him because you are picking up on things from him that you know arent right or consistent with the man you thought you were marrying... ALWAYS LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCTS!


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

ScaredGirl3 said:


> Wow. Lots of good advise. I talked with my fiance and he actually suggested that we postpone the wedding. He wasn't anywhere near happy about it, but the fact that he's trying to do what's best is a good sign. It's not that I don't love him, but it's very hard to emotionally deal with these things in such a short time span. I'm also going to contact a therapist whom I was seeing last year and seek out her advice. Thank you everyone for letting me know I'm not a terrible person, and my feelings are legitimate.


There isn't anything wrong in not loving someone as long as you are being truthful . Does your fiance know you have kissed someone else or have developed feelings for someone else ? You do need to figure out what you want as just before weeks left for your wedding you are not sure if you are falling for this other guy is alarming .

Best of luck


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## ScaredGirl3 (Apr 25, 2010)

You're very right. No, my fiance does not know I kissed someone else. However, this was strictly a one time thing, and I have this person in class, but other than that, there has been no contact. My fiance and I have been speaking about the situation non-stop every night since I've posted, and we are seeing my psychologist in a few days. We've not officially postponed the wedding, but it is in talks. Still scared, but feeling better about the decisions I've made and the talks we've had. Thank you SO much everyone for the great advice. Not sure what I would have done with out the encouraging words.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Good for you for trying to get to the bottom of this and also, for being a partner equal to your fiance. That is sometimes difficult to do. I have a strong personality, but I can still get passive with my husband, who is not intentionally overbearing, he is just a very competent and efficient man. Who has a wee bit of control freak in him, but he handles it well when I address what he is controlling about.

Best!

Lyn


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