# Anyone without any personal baggage or drama?



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I was looking over a site today and someone wrote the comment, "everyone over age 13 has some kind of baggage, drama, or something they wished somebody didn't know, so let's get that out of the way."

I know we have a thread about skeletons in the closet from our ancestors, but I'm curious, do you have any skeletons in the closet from your personal past or any current situations that might cause someone new in your life to take pause, or something that might shock them to find out about you?

I'm not asking you to actually share what it is, but I'm just curious if the answer is yes or no. 

I'm curious because after reading that person's statement about baggage if you're past 13, I believe a lot of people feel this way, and they feel it is normal. I think a lot of people assume that if they enter a relationship with someone new, they should automatically expect some issues and not expect it to be Mr. Roger's Neighborhood.

After thinking about myself, aside from the fact that I'm divorced, I can't think of a darn thing.

I'm not saying that to be Mr. Goody Goody, but I can't think of anything about my past that would shock someone to know, or really even raise an eyebrow, nor is there any weird issues in my current life that someone new in my life would have to cope with. 

Is that weird within itself? I always assumed a lot of people were like that, but I'm not so sure.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Hmm, interesting question.

I don't really have any skeletons in my closet, but I do have a lot of very uncommon opinions about a lot of issues.

Would that count?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I have only 2 things that many have been shocked to find out about my past. I am deeply embarrassed by one and the other I feel zero shame for. I disclose both to any potential long term relationship so they can make an informed Decision if it's to much for them. I have learned for some it is and others no big deal.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Absolutely... some baggage tears the soul apart.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Nothing.

Why should I?

After all, I was young and naive.

I needed the money.

*sob* They told me it would be artistic! *sob*


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

And anyone who says they haven't, would be either the world's luckiest person or they are in denial. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mr The Other said:


> Nothing.
> 
> Why should I?
> 
> ...


And it WAS artistic! 

Though I was surprised about the amount of Jello they used... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> And anyone who says they haven't, would be either the world's luckiest person or they are in denial.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with this. Plus, I'd like to add that the baggage is seen differently by each individual. One may think it is shocking and the next may not. It's subjective from the perspective of the one it's revealed to. 

Since birds of a feather flock together, it's likely whatever is in one person's past won't be a shock to a friend.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I have some DRAMA in my extended family...something I wanted to shed a long long time ago...I learned from some of them - how NOT to be..I literally would say to myself as a kid ...

"OMG I never want to be like this!"...from an Aunt's over bearing ways -brow beating her Christianity on some, she was such a turn off !....to my mothers "living by the seat of her pants" ways.. got her in so much trouble... 

In my own life, looking back, my teen years wasn't so wonderful, I had some anger issues, a fear of being used/ discarded (abandonment) -in relation to love interests...outside of this ...there is nothing that shocking I could go on about....I've worked these inner demons out ...with my husband's loving on me, being there for me... 

I would think going by the picture above.. we all have some areas that could be "too much work" for others.. or our expectations may be too high -in given areas...

I would think most of us carry some insecurities around with us, they may be minor & not affect us in our daily lives...which is great [email protected]#....yet still they are there ....we may refuse to admit we have any.. so I feel.. this is a part of the human experience, we've all had past hurts, rejections, some even "Trauma" - if one goes completely unscathed... do they have a heart ?? 

Yet none of these define us...we may just need a little more understanding, tender loving care..


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

southbound said:


> I know we have a thread about skeletons in the closet from our ancestors, but I'm curious, do you have any skeletons in the closet from your personal past or any current situations that might cause someone new in your life to take pause, or something that might shock them to find out about you?












Ask no questions and I will tell you no lies.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Drama, no not really. I don't do drama and I don't associate with drama filled people.
Very bad behaviour in the past, yes absolutely and am fine with that.
Hidden mental health issues, no.

Baggage, well I have a very nice set of luggage I carry around. Strangely it did not show up until 2 yrs post divorce and while falling madly in love with a man that was able to help me heal from it. I thought I got out of divorce relatively unscathed, well I did but the wounds of the past marriage came back to haunt when I found the man I wanted and was scared of the implications of that. 

All is good though, life is great


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> And anyone who says they haven't, would be either the world's luckiest person or they are in denial.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Nobody_ makes it out of childhood unscathed.

I, for one, am not in denial. Of course I have baggage. Of course, I have a past. Not many people would be shocked, though, because I was very open and honest about my activities and views. I'm a take me or leave me, what you see is what you get, type person.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Drama, no. Baggage, yes. 

I don't know anyone without baggage. It's part of life.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Maybe baggage is the wrong choice of words for what I'm trying to identify. If I meet a vegetarian, I suppose the fact that I eat meat could be considered baggage in their eyes.

But I'm talking about things from our past that we did that most would consider in the negative category that we would rather forget. Perhaps it has created some emotional issues that continue to affect you, perhaps not. 

I'm just saying that I can't think of a think that would raise any eyebrows for anyone. I also have nothing current. If someone moved into my life today, there is nothing about me that would cause them stress; no drama with the x or anyone else, no debt, no issues that I'm trying to keep at bay, it would be like moving into a 50s sitcom.

Again, I'm not trying to be Mr. goody, but when I hear people say that "everybody" has past issues, I can't really think of anything. 

I suppose I have to give credit to my parents. I was raised in a very drama free atmosphere.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

PTSD is baggage in it's worst form... I have friends that sort through this on a daily basis, these were men who did what was asked of them without question wondering if the next day would bring a new sunrise or their final sunset in situations we only read about.

We were talking a couple weeks ago about fear of death and the realization came that you are most broken when you have lost it in your everyday life, not just when it matters in the heat of things.

Hard to cull the good baggage from the bad baggage when it is so intertwined.

I think it's quite an appropriate word...


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I don't think I have much baggage and there's little to no drama in my life at present. Of course, some things I've done and some I may still do would put off some women, but in that case I'd consider that a good thing as we'd avoid getting involved. On the other hand, some women will have matching luggage, and we'd be good to travel!


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> And anyone who says they haven't, would be either the world's luckiest person or they are in denial.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Or maybe they don't consider the same things baggage. For example, I'm on my second husband but have no contact with my first. If my current husband died and I started dating again - would two former husbands be "baggage?" or just history? I partied excessively when I was a teenager but I don't now. Is that "baggage?"

If someone's elderly parent lives with them and they need to provide care for that person, is that "baggage" or just their current living arrangement?

What makes something baggage?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

To me, baggage and skeletons are NOT the same thing. 

Baggage comes from your past experiences...I have been cheated on more than once, so this causes me to have some trust issues coming into new relationships, as well as some insecurity. (yes I need to work on this, I know..) THAT is baggage. 

Skeletons in your closet is something you have done that is maybe sketchy, or illegal, or just something that you are ashamed of having done that you may have problems sharing with others. 

Yes I have both. That poster was right...pretty much if you live any time at all, you end up with these!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Not since I found Jesus. 

He was at BestBuy.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Baggage is just life experience


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

3Xnocharm said:


> To me, baggage and skeletons are NOT the same thing.
> 
> Baggage comes from your past experiences..*.I have been cheated on more than once, so this causes me to have some trust issues coming into new relationships, as well as some insecurity. (yes I need to work on this, I know..) THAT is baggage. *
> 
> ...


See I feel this is completely & utterly understandable.. Being honest about it.. as you are.. vulnerable, if you will.. with a new partner....this is needed.. (and hopefully THIS won't scare someone away.. it's a sight better than you were the one who cheated !).... 

This sharing helps others understand us, where we've come from...WHY we feel strongly in some areas, or our triggers .... if they are willing... if they see potential ...knowing you're wanting to change this ....they recognize your need for a trustworthy partner by your side.. with a little tender loving care.. it could make ALL the difference.. . 

Sometimes it takes someone really special to help us sort things out.. When I hear others down people who are a little insecure..I don't feel this way.. well.. maybe it's because it depends on how they present their insecurities.. IF they are honest -like your sharing here.. I emphasize with this.. but if they were a denier and showed arrogant tendencies - I'd have more of a negative reaction, less hope to work with someone like that..


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think that my main regret is getting married...under the circumstances I did it. I just didn't want to be alone anymore and thought if I didn't do it then, I'd never get another opportunity. I wish that you didn't have to make this type of decision when you're so young.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WorkingWife said:


> Or maybe they don't consider the same things baggage. For example, I'm on my second husband but have no contact with my first. If my current husband died and I started dating again - would two former husbands be "baggage?" or just history? I partied excessively when I was a teenager but I don't now. Is that "baggage?"
> 
> If someone's elderly parent lives with them and they need to provide care for that person, is that "baggage" or just their current living arrangement?
> 
> What makes something baggage?


I was kidnapped twice as a child. Once by a woman who just decided to take me off with her. Luckily she Brought me back.

The next time was the teen age girl from next door who reached over the fence and grabbed me and took me into her housr. 

This incident caused me considerable trauma. My screams as I tried to escape alerted my mother and grandmother who rescued me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rileyawes (Jun 28, 2016)

Bananapeel said:


> Baggage is just life experience


That's exactly what I was going to say. And what SimplyAmorous says... it's not really "baggage" or a problem unless you're repressing it somehow. Denial and repression mean the problem is just going to stick around. I think if you "own" and work on your issues, it's not baggage. Everyone has regrets and life experience. I think I have less baggage now than I did when I was 13, just from thinking things through and coming to terms with things and growing up. 

Drama, yes, but it, too, shall pass.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I was kidnapped twice as a child. Once by a woman who just decided to take me off with her. Luckily she Brought me back.
> 
> The next time was the teen age girl from next door who reached over the fence and grabbed me and took me into her housr.
> 
> ...


You have the most interesting life. 

Seriously man you should write an autobiography. 

_The World According to Matt Matt _


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

3Xnocharm said:


> To me, baggage and skeletons are NOT the same thing.
> 
> Baggage comes from your past experiences...I have been cheated on more than once, so this causes me to have some trust issues coming into new relationships, as well as some insecurity. (yes I need to work on this, I know..) THAT is baggage.
> 
> ...


I guess it is difficult to understand exactly what is being looked for. Perhaps a way to look at it is this, is there anything in your past life that would shock people based on who you are now? 

Is there anything about your current personality, emotional state, situation, or lifestyle that would drive a calm, laid back, non dramatic person batty? 

In other words, anything that would wouldn't quite fit with the Tanner Family?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Just look up the story of the BradyBunch for some eye opening news. Most of it is tame by today's standards.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> I was kidnapped twice as a child. Once by a woman who just decided to take me off with her. Luckily she Brought me back.
> 
> The next time was the teen age girl from next door who reached over the fence and grabbed me and took me into her housr.
> 
> ...


Let me preface this by saying - I am notoriously gullible with friends who know me. So I have to ask -- are you serious?!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WorkingWife said:


> Let me preface this by saying - I am notoriously gullible with friends who know me. So I have to ask -- are you serious?!


Sadly, yes. Deadly serious.

But even more freaky was that some years later when I was working in a newspaper archive I read of a story that happened in a different part of the country at about the same time when a child (same age as I was) had been kidnapped by a woman who wasn't know to the family. Rather than return him, unharmed, as my kidnapper did, she threw the poor little chap off a cliff, killing him.

That made me feel really freaked out as you will appreciate.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

WorkingWife said:


> What makes something baggage?


IMO, baggage isn't simple life experience. Baggage is stuff (negative or limiting beliefs and attitudes, trauma, fear, etc.) you haul around with you and can't get rid of, that limits your freedom in some significant way, or deters others from getting (or wanting to get) close to you.


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

southbound said:


> I was looking over a site today and someone wrote the comment, "everyone over age 13 has some kind of baggage, drama, or something they wished somebody didn't know, so let's get that out of the way."
> 
> I know we have a thread about skeletons in the closet from our ancestors, but I'm curious, do you have any skeletons in the closet from your personal past or any current situations that might cause someone new in your life to take pause, or something that might shock them to find out about you?
> 
> ...


Well, I think a lot of people have things that have happened in their life that affect how they interact with others. Being cheated on, broken home, being lied to, abuse... Not like those things are uncommon.

Now, I will say that a lot of men put on their online dating profile that they want a woman who is "no drama." I have an opinion about these men... And let's just say I don't contact them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

No skeletons whatsoever...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Married but Happy said:


> IMO, baggage isn't simple life experience. Baggage is stuff (negative or limiting beliefs and attitudes, trauma, fear, etc.) you haul around with you and can't get rid of, that limits your freedom in some significant way, or deters others from getting (or wanting to get) close to you.


Like this...


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Begin again said:


> Now, I will say that a lot of men put on their online dating profile that they want a woman who is "no drama." I have an opinion about these men... And let's just say I don't contact them._Posted via Mobile Device_


I notice a lot of women on dating profiles put that they don't like drama as well. I half-heartedly filled out a profile on a dating site once, and although I didn't say i was looking for a woman that is no drama, I did make it clear that I was a no drama person.

Honestly, I understand, and never thought it was a bad statement. I just assumed it was someone who was getting the point across that they had their act together, they were mature, their life was calm and stable, and they weren't interested in a bunch of, well, drama. I'm curious, what is your opinion about it. What do you think guys mean that put that statement.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Sadly, yes. Deadly serious.
> 
> But even more freaky was that some years later when I was working in a newspaper archive I read of a story that happened in a different part of the country at about the same time when a child (same age as I was) had been kidnapped by a woman who wasn't know to the family. Rather than return him, unharmed, as my kidnapper did, she threw the poor little chap off a cliff, killing him.
> 
> That made me feel really freaked out as you will appreciate.


I can imagine. You poor thing!!! That would definitely leave a mark. Do you know why the lady kidnapped you? Were you old enough to understand something very wrong was going down? It seems very odd that she returned you. (Of course I haven't met you, maybe you drove her nuts, haha.)

Did the girl next door just want to play with you and was too young to know you don't just grab the neighbor's toddler?

That all blows my mind. Thank God that lady returned you.

I was never kidnapped, but I am adopted and I used to have the same nightmare repeatedly that I came home from school and either my family had moved away, or they wouldn't let me in for some reason.

I do not have a temper at all, in fact I am too easy going. But when I was dating my first husband I was at a huge swap meet with him and his kids. This was long before cell phones. He and I were looking at stuff together and all of the sudden they were all just gone. 

I looked around and could not find them. So I went back to the car. Quite awhile later they came to the car all happy to see me. I was so angry I could hardly breathe. He couldn't see what the big deal was. I just kept saying "You LEFT me. You LEFT me!" 

Later I decided I must have abandonment issues from being given up for adoption. (Or maybe I was just dating an inconsiderate ******* who I later stupidly married.)

I also freak out if I'm shopping with someone and they leave me standing in line to pay while they go look for something they forgot. What will I do if I get to the register before they get back? Or when people ask me to hold seats for them at a crowded venue. HATE it.

Not sure if it's baggage but I guess I do have some issues!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Sadly, yes. Deadly serious.
> 
> But even more freaky was that some years later when I was working in a newspaper archive I read of a story that happened in a different part of the country at about the same time when a child (same age as I was) had been kidnapped by a woman who wasn't know to the family. Rather than return him, unharmed, as my kidnapper did, she threw the poor little chap off a cliff, killing him.
> 
> That made me feel really freaked out as you will appreciate.


Was that the Moors Murders? Or were those before your time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

southbound said:


> I was looking over a site today and someone wrote the comment, "everyone over age 13 has some kind of baggage, drama, or something they wished somebody didn't know, so let's get that out of the way."
> 
> I know we have a thread about skeletons in the closet from our ancestors, but I'm curious, do you have any skeletons in the closet from your personal past or any current situations that might cause someone new in your life to take pause, or something that might shock them to find out about you?
> 
> ...


Read that statement carefully again. It's an "OR" statement. Baggage is rarely something they don't want someone to know. It's trendy today to wear your baggage on your sleeves!

What constitutes baggage? Anything that gets in the way of you doing basically whatever floats your boat, or floats the boat of a person you want to be romantic with! Or intimate (by which I mean spiritually, intellectually and emotionally - the physical part never seems to be an issue).

Examples:
* Dietary restrictions, such as gluten-intolerant, making it difficult to enjoy going out to eat, BBQs, other events
* Health concerns such as fair skin that limit outdoor exposure (to which I raise my hand, being a skin cancer survivor)
* Obesity, limiting involvement in such outstanding couple-binding activities as back-country skiing, hiking, whitewater rafting
* Strong religious or political beliefs, making it uncomfortable to socialize with people who don't believe as you do
* A family history that the person views as imperfect

I have to say, my current wife and easily the ten women before her had baggage strong enough that I qualify all of them as almost handicapped. One really was - paraplegic - but she was in fact, the EASIEST person to take out because beyond the wheelchair, she was game for anything.

You're divorced. That's baggage. Baggage isn't bad if you have it properly stowed. If you're still angry at the ex, or describe her in only negative ways - you haven't dealt with the baggage and it will interfere with future relationships.

You had a role in what led to the divorce. You really did. If you think you didn't, then you have other baggage that you haven't even admitted to yourself.

We all have baggage. The key is to stow it properly.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> And anyone who says they haven't, would be either the world's luckiest person or they are in denial.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Actually, I was going to say they haven't lived... or live in a monastery.

Let's see, where to start... there's

1) parents 2) exes 3) kids 4) family 5) a career 6) money 7) no money 8) health, etc.


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

southbound said:


> I notice a lot of women on dating profiles put that they don't like drama as well. I half-heartedly filled out a profile on a dating site once, and although I didn't say i was looking for a woman that is no drama, I did make it clear that I was a no drama person.
> 
> Honestly, I understand, and never thought it was a bad statement. I just assumed it was someone who was getting the point across that they had their act together, they were mature, their life was calm and stable, and they weren't interested in a bunch of, well, drama. I'm curious, what is your opinion about it. What do you think guys mean that put that statement.


I've heard the term "psycho" thrown around by so many men to describe women, especially a woman who ended a relationship with them. To me, looking for a woman who is "drama free" is the nice way of saying "no psychos, please." 

8 Things Women Do That Men Consider To Be ?Psycho? | Thought Catalog

9 Ways To Deal With Crazy and Psycho Women

This last one starts off great with "Just about all women are crazy." 5 Signs Your Girlfriend May Be A Psycho - AskMen

Labeling most women as this way is a big warning to me that the man has had some bad relationship(s) in his past, and they swept their part of it under the rug with one easy phrase: She was psycho! That is a sign of immaturity and it's ugly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

Just reading through those articles is amazing, by the way. Seems that you say out out loud how much you like a guy, if it gets back to him, can cause his friends to make fun of him and ultimately he will be so angry and humiliated that he will break up with you. What? Men give each other such awful advice sometimes!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Banned-It.45 said:


> Was that the Moors Murders? Or were those before your time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It was some years before the Moors murders when I was 3 years old in about 1960.

The murder happened in Sussex I seem to recall in south East England.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WorkingWife said:


> I can imagine. You poor thing!!! That would definitely leave a mark. Do you know why the lady kidnapped you? Were you old enough to understand something very wrong was going down? It seems very odd that she returned you. (Of course I haven't met you, maybe you drove her nuts, haha.)
> 
> Did the girl next door just want to play with you and was too young to know you don't just grab the neighbor's toddler?
> 
> ...


I hacertainly heard of other adoptees with similar issues.

As for the girl next door she was I think eventually sent to a secure facility. She terrified me abd left me with a number of phobias that took years to fade.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mommywhatohnothing (May 30, 2016)

I had a reasonably happy childhood but I did get teased a lot because I had buck teeth and my parents couldn't afford to have them fixed. My dad got a job with insurance shortly after I graduated from high school and I was finally able to get braces. But even now I have a hard time believing anyone could possibly find me attractive because I was teased about my bad teeth for so long. I guess nowadays it would be called bullying. It definitely did a number on my self confidence.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I've caused drama with my husband over 1 issue in our marriage.. outside of this.. we get along very very well... I think compatibility is imperative in a # of areas...the ones most important to us anyway....

Even with some baggage.. if someone else can help you with your baggage.. then that's great.. 

I don't think relationships are for people who like to be alone most of the time...I mean.. why bother.. .. not everything is going to run smoothly all the time.. 

2 people will have different wants & needs and want their partner to come along... because they are their partner! One has to invite the romance & want to work things out with another... and be able to look over some flaws.. 

I fight with my husband sometimes..







... I'm not even going to say he deserves it.. Truth is... I meet ALL his needs & wants ... he has a lack for nothing.. so he tells me.. but on my end. I still yearn for one thing I will never get from him.. which ticks me off from time to time.. so therefore... he has to put up with my attitude when this rears it's ugly head.. 

He still says I'm worth it .. and I still feel he's worth it.. but yeah.. sometimes there will be some arguing .. bonking of heads.. :banghead: and a man may think :wtf:


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Begin again said:


> I've heard the term "psycho" thrown around by so many men to describe women, especially a woman who ended a relationship with them. To me, looking for a woman who is "drama free" is the nice way of saying "no psychos, please."
> 
> 8 Things Women Do That Men Consider To Be ?Psycho? | Thought Catalog
> 
> ...


 @arbitrator posted a cartoon in the humorous memes thread last year. It said, "There are two things you need to know about women and men. Women are crazy and men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is because men are stupid!"

Now, obviously women are not crazy and men are not stupid. But without communication and empathy, it can sometimes seem that way. And make for a funny cartoon.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Having endured two rather contentious divorces that stemmed from both of my XW's covert infidelity, well let's just say that in my advanced state of dotage, I just have a plethora of baggage that I fear that I, sorry to say, may never be able to fully rid myself of!

Regaining "trust" will be a huge problem for me!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *Having endured two rather contentious divorces that stemmed from both of my XW's covert infidelity, well let's just say that in my advanced state of dotage, I just have a plethora of baggage that I fear that I, sorry to say, may never be able to fully rid myself of!
> 
> Regaining "trust" will be a huge problem for me!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And rightfully so! Still, there are faithful women out there. My statement to any man I date is "I will never cheat on you and I will never forgive you if you cheat on me. If you want to be with someone else, tell me and I will let you go."

I was in a loveless, sexless marriage for many years and was propositioned a few times, but I never cheated and he knew I never would. And I don't cheat because I honor and value myself. It's what I believe is right, and I live by it even when it's hard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

southbound said:


> But I'm talking about things from our past that we did that most would consider in the negative category that we would rather forget. Perhaps it has created some emotional issues that continue to affect you, perhaps not.
> 
> ----
> Again, I'm not trying to be Mr. goody, but when I hear people say that "everybody" has past issues, I can't really think of anything.
> ...


This is how I view myself, as well.

Apart from also being divorced (through no fault of my own - as in I didn't cheat, wasn't abusive or neglectful, etc.) I can't think of a single thing that I've done or been a part of in my past that would constitute actual baggage.

I suppose being divorced would be baggage to many, but it's only affected me in positive ways. Also, no kids, and my ex wife isn't even in the same country I live in.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Begin again said:


> I've heard the term "psycho" thrown around by so many men to describe women, especially a woman who ended a relationship with them. To me, looking for a woman who is "drama free" is the nice way of saying "no psychos, please."


Gosh, what's wrong with not wanting somebody that is psycho? I didn't read those articles word for word, but some of those things i saw i wouldn't exactly call normal. It would annoy the sap out of me. I'm sure everybody has their own definition of drama. Mine is somewhat like this: have you ever known someone that constantly has issues? They can barely go to the grocery without there being a minor event that is worth mentioning. It may not be anything huge, but it's an event. They have words with the cashier, or they see someone at a distance and they seemed rude.....and then there is something on the drive home. Another way to say it is people who make mountains of mole hills. Sometimes, there isn't even a mole hill. They first have to make the mole hill and go from there. 

I worked with a lady once who was like this. She hired a crew to work on her house once, and it was so bad because they flirted with her so much, and she dreaded going to the doctor because he hit on her. If someone had something on their mind one morning and perhaps didn't give her the normal attention, then she was asking everybody, "what's wrong with Janie, is she mad at me?" The boss was always against her, even though he didn't seem to be against anyone else, and the list goes on. Of course, this same mentality spills over into the relationship. That kind of stuff would drive me insane. 

Personally, I don't have this kind of stuff in my life. I can almost assure you that I could spend a day on the town and, if history is any indication, I wouldn't encounter anything dramatic. 

I had a guy in his 40s who is single tell me a while back, "At my age, I don't want a woman with issues. I'm just not cut out to handle that kind of stuff. At this stage in my life, I'm looking for peace."

I can relate to what he was saying. We have discussed from a financial standpoint about how we expect more from older people when dating. Most don't expect a 45 year old man to still be living in his parent's basement and working at McDonald's. I suppose I feel the same way about one's emotional state too. When someone is in their 40s, I expect them to be mature and be beyond that teenage drama stage and to, as I've heard older people say, "act like they've got some sense." 

I can't help feeling that way. It's the example I saw from the women in my life when i was growing up. There was no drama with my mom, grandmother's, aunt's etc. I know there are those that will argue that i didn't know what went on behind closed doors. That may be true, but I know what went on in front of me, and I've noticed that most drama people really can't hide it.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Baggage is not the issue - it's how you deal with it. Or whether you deal with it. Or whether you're honest enough to bring them up if you haven't dealt with them. 

My wife has a cemetery's worth of skeletons in her walk in closet, but won't acknowledge or deal with them.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

*Anyone without any personal baggage or drama?*

Me, me, me of course...Not! 

But when I begin a new relationship the baggage will more than likely be buried 6 feet under. 

We all have baggage, not carrying it around from one relationship to another is how to solve the problem.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

I don't like drama and steer clear of confrontation, however I've been forced to confront more these days. I don't think that I have skeletons in my closet, but I do have a few things that I've done that I'm not proud of and don't tell very many people about. I don't think that's unusual though.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We bought a large suitcase the other day, for a trip to Hawaii. Does that count?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

southbound said:


> Gosh, what's wrong with not wanting somebody that is psycho? I didn't read those articles word for word, but some of those things i saw i wouldn't exactly call normal. It would annoy the sap out of me. I'm sure everybody has their own definition of drama. Mine is somewhat like this: have you ever known someone that constantly has issues? They can barely go to the grocery without there being a minor event that is worth mentioning. It may not be anything huge, but it's an event. They have words with the cashier, or they see someone at a distance and they seemed rude.....and then there is something on the drive home. Another way to say it is people who make mountains of mole hills. Sometimes, there isn't even a mole hill. They first have to make the mole hill and go from there.


 in other words..someone who is always, or it sure seems so COMPLAINING, protesting things around her... she never seems satisfied / you think ..."does this woman ever have a GOOD day?"...

If it's not how someone looked at her, something's wrong with the food at the restaurant, she broke a finger nail / got a spot on her clothing -to how this can ruin her entire day ...and she's now holding a grudge because a friend gave an opinion she didn't agree with, then she gets mad AT YOU for not seeing her side.. 

Something like this Southbound ?? 



> Personally, I don't have this kind of stuff in my life. I can almost assure you that I could spend a day on the town and, if history is any indication, I wouldn't encounter anything dramatic.


 on the other hand.. you seek (but not really) someone who shows maturity in communication/ an aire of self awareness -if she's pushing the annoying bar.. to cut it out!... is not easily offended, a smile would be a pleasantry out & about over a frown..understands the meaning of give & take... and some humility when it's called for..


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> I hacertainly heard of other adoptees with similar issues.
> 
> As for the girl next door she was I think eventually sent to a secure facility. She terrified me abd left me with a number of phobias that took years to fade.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I can't get over this! I figured she was maybe you were really little and she was just a couple years older than you and though - hey, there's MattMatt, I'll pull him over here to play... Glad your phobias have faded.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Begin again said:


> Labeling most women as this way is a big warning to me that the man has had some bad relationship(s) in his past, and they swept their part of it under the rug with one easy phrase: She was psycho! That is a sign of immaturity and it's ugly.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 @Begin again, you sound like an educated, professional woman. If you are using online dating services, I would suggest a paid one like eHarmony or similar. You'll find a better quality of men on that site. Depending on your age, of course. EH seems better for 40+ crowd.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> in other words..someone who is always, or it sure seems so COMPLAINING, protesting things around her... she never seems satisfied / you think ..."does this woman ever have a GOOD day?"...
> 
> If it's not how someone looked at her, something's wrong with the food at the restaurant, she broke a finger nail / got a spot on her clothing -to how this can ruin her entire day ...and she's now holding a grudge because a friend gave an opinion she didn't agree with, then she gets mad AT YOU for not seeing her side..
> 
> Something like this Southbound ??


Exactly like that. That's a great addition to what I was trying to say. When someone has that mentality that someone looked at her wrong, she broke a nail, so and so said this and that, that often leads to bigger drama, because people don't usually relate to that too well. That kind of stuff drives me insane. 




SimplyAmorous said:


> on the other hand.. you seek (but not really) someone who shows maturity in communication/ an aire of self awareness -if she's pushing the annoying bar.. to cut it out!... is not easily offended, a smile would be a pleasantry out & about over a frown..understands the meaning of give & take... and some humility when it's called for..


Yes, that's a good description of what I expect from an adult.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WorkingWife said:


> I can't get over this! I figured she was maybe you were really little and she was just a couple years older than you and though - hey, there's MattMatt, I'll pull him over here to play... Glad your phobias have faded.


She was 14 or 15, I was 3.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Holy F*ck. PSYCHO alert... OMG. And your poor parents. I know people don't typically let their toddlers out the front door in this day and age, but you'd think they could be in the back yard for a couple minutes w/out getting abducted.

Very interesting how the human mind works with the trauma. My brother and I were both adopted as infants. I'm not saying I was all traumatized, but it definitely had an impact on me in a few ways. My brother definitely shows signs of scarring to this day.

Your abduction was terrifying, but just one incident when you were really little. How much does a 3 or 4 year old realized and remember?

So sad to think about what happens to children who are routinely abused and/or neglected. I have read the brain literally develops/wires itself differently when subjected to trauma and neglect.


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

southbound said:


> Gosh, what's wrong with not wanting somebody that is psycho? I didn't read those articles word for word, but some of those things i saw i wouldn't exactly call normal. It would annoy the sap out of me. I'm sure everybody has their own definition of drama. Mine is somewhat like this: have you ever known someone that constantly has issues? They can barely go to the grocery without there being a minor event that is worth mentioning. It may not be anything huge, but it's an event. They have words with the cashier, or they see someone at a distance and they seemed rude.....and then there is something on the drive home. Another way to say it is people who make mountains of mole hills. Sometimes, there isn't even a mole hill. They first have to make the mole hill and go from there.
> 
> I worked with a lady once who was like this. She hired a crew to work on her house once, and it was so bad because they flirted with her so much, and she dreaded going to the doctor because he hit on her. If someone had something on their mind one morning and perhaps didn't give her the normal attention, then she was asking everybody, "what's wrong with Janie, is she mad at me?" The boss was always against her, even though he didn't seem to be against anyone else, and the list goes on. Of course, this same mentality spills over into the relationship. That kind of stuff would drive me insane.
> 
> ...


I'm not sure there's an equivalent word that females use, so it may be hard for you to understand. I don't keep female friends who label the majority of men as selfish gigaloes. But there are plenty of men who use the blanket term "psycho" to describe female behavior. Why? Aren't men the ones who commit the vast majority of crimes: rapes, murders, etc.? Why are women the psychos? 

Because men find it an easy label... And they are ignorant when they use the term. It's like saying "No nigg-rs." There's no nice way to interpret that statement - it's just ugly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Begin again said:


> I'm not sure there's an equivalent word that females use, so it may be hard for you to understand. I don't keep female friends who label the majority of men as selfish gigaloes. But there are plenty of men who use the blanket term "psycho" to describe female behavior. Why? Aren't men the ones who commit the vast majority of crimes: rapes, murders, etc.? Why are women the psychos?
> 
> Because men find it an easy label... And they are ignorant when they use the term. It's like saying "No nigg-rs." There's no nice way to interpret that statement - it's just ugly.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I suppose we are talking about two different things here. I'm not talking about a blanket term that I feel describes "all" women. I suppose a lot of men are butts, and when the relationship doesn't turn out right, then they say the woman is psycho. My take on drama is not specifically something that I discovered only from relationships, but I can identify it in women that I'm not in a relationship with. The woman that I worked with that i mentioned is one example. I see wives of friends and I think, "that would drive me insane." 

I suppose there are all sorts of behaviors and ways that drama can be expressed, which was described superbly in SA's recent post:



SimplyAmorous said:


> in other words..someone who is always, or it sure seems so COMPLAINING, protesting things around her... she never seems satisfied / you think ..."does this woman ever have a GOOD day?"...
> 
> If it's not how someone looked at her, something's wrong with the food at the restaurant, she broke a finger nail / got a spot on her clothing -to how this can ruin her entire day ...and she's now holding a grudge because a friend gave an opinion she didn't agree with, then she gets mad AT YOU for not seeing her side..


All I'm saying is that I don't want a woman whose personality fits the above description. being around that all the time would eventually drive me psycho.



SimplyAmorous said:


> on the other hand.. you seek someone who shows maturity in communication/ an aire of self awareness -if she's pushing the annoying bar.. to cut it out!... is not easily offended, a smile would be a pleasantry out & about over a frown..understands the meaning of give & take... and some humility when it's called for..


I prefer a woman who fits the above description. Does my explanation make any sense?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

DustyDog said:


> We all have baggage. The key is to stow it properly.


My husband said recently, 'The world doesn't give a sh!t... we just need to get on and do the best we can...' 

I am more likely to be surprised when someone has a truly supportive and grounded upbringing. A woman, around the same age as me, received a phone-call from her father wishing her the best of luck with her presentation. She thanked him and said she'd phone him afterwards to share how it went. While I thought that was lovely, it was completely foreign to me! Another time, it'd been a challenging day at work. My advise to her was not to take it personally and a thicker skin would be developed. She said she'd phoned her family during lunch and they said much the same. I'll admit, learning she'd phoned for support also surprised me. She is a really good person and lovely to be around. I know she has an incredibly resilient side to her as well... I'm thinking that a supportive foundation can help build that. Sometimes it doesn't occur to me to reach out to people in that way. 

I have moments of clarity and moments of reverting to default patterns from time-to-time but I work on out-growing the ones that are no longer useful and more aligned to the woman I want to be.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

WorkingWife said:


> So sad to think about what happens to children who are routinely abused and/or neglected. I have read the brain literally develops/wires itself differently when subjected to trauma and neglect.


I haven't read anything about THIS.. but I believe it.. in fact EVERYTHING that happens to us , these experiences have a way of shaping & molding us... either for the good, or for the bad.. some can work through it & come out on the other side.. BUT IT SURE HELPS TO HAVE SOME SORT OF MENTOR , or someone who stands out holding our hand, believing in us, encouraging us.... 

And Some never have this.. or push those people away....it's very unfortunate... it's almost like "lost love".. some never recover.. never trust again.. 

Traumatic life experiences can trample hope for a better day for many, and it seems it alters their life from then on..

I have a GF who was adopted...her Birth parents were so abusive one sibling died ... 5 of them were taken off of the parents and given up for adoption.... she was the youngest.. she is the one who had the most loving stable family (though they had some issue too- but not too bad)...

She was just talking to me earlier how she found her older sister online...wants to meet her.. but this woman has had all her children taken off of her by social services, she heard she was a prostitute..her life has been nothing but one train wreck after another... it's very very sad...but she's in her 50's now.. what can anyone do....she did not have Parents who were there, that stable upbringing my friend had....

For the safety of my friend.. I talked her out of hooking up with this woman on FB.. I was truly fearing what opening this can of worms could bring into her life.. as this woman has been on drugs. just looking at her FB page is very telling to her character... I see DRAMA written all over that ...with blaring warning signs.. 

I really don't know how you help someone who has lived a certain way for SO LONG in their lives.. that becomes their "NORMAL"... it's far too much for some to take on.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

SimplyAmorous said:


> She was just talking to me earlier how she found her older sister online...wants to meet her.. but this woman has had all her children taken off of her by social services, she heard she was a prostitute..her life has been nothing but one train wreck after another... it's very very sad...but she's in her 50's now.. what can anyone do....she did not have Parents who were there, that stable upbringing my friend had....
> 
> For the safety of my friend.. I talked her out of hooking up with this woman on FB.. I was truly fearing what opening this can of worms could bring into her life.. as this woman has been on drugs. just looking at her FB page is very telling to her character... I see DRAMA written all over that ...with blaring warning signs..
> 
> I really don't know how you help someone who has lived a certain way for SO LONG in their lives.. that becomes their "NORMAL"... it's far too much for some to take on.


It's tragic, she probably feels some guilt for making out so well and sentimentality for her sister(s). but odds are high that her sister would latch onto her and use her.

At some point I me my birth father and we kept in casual touch. He had a son that had been in and out of prison for being a meth addict and he told me terrible stories about things the son had done to him to get money for drugs. Then my bio-dad was terminally ill and he wanted me to visit. 

I was not really emotionally attached to him but I did it for him to make him feel loved in his dying days. My bio-half-brother was there. He was very nice and claiming to be sober and spouting all kinds of religious talk to back up his newfound sobriety. But he was full of BS. You can tell. The more convincing addicts try to be, the less sincere they seem...

Anyhow, my brother kept talking about how he would give a liver donation to my dad but the drs. wouldn't let him. (I figure it was way too late for that.) He was nice and easy to get along with and even though he didn't know I actually existed a week ago kept saying he loved me (also over the top, but I'm sure he was taken by surprise by my sudden appearance.)

ANYHOW - He is younger and I wondered if I could have helped him had I been there to be an older sister to him. I thought of trying to stay in touch with him, but I just pictured him coming to me for a kidney or piece of liver some day, or money... due to his own self neglect and I thought ...If he doesn't pursue a relationship, I need to just walk away. I already have my adoptive brother whose an addict! That's enough sibling drama for one lifetime.


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

sapientia said:


> @Begin again, you sound like an educated, professional woman. If you are using online dating services, I would suggest a paid one like eHarmony or similar. You'll find a better quality of men on that site. Depending on your age, of course. EH seems better for 40+ crowd.


Thanks. I've considered it once I'm legally divorced. Where I'm from, it's minimum 1 year of separate residences before divorce will be granted.

The downside to eharmony that I've heard is that you are likely to be matched with someone far away.. Many hours drive. I've tried long distance dating a few times... Always ended up with me moving or the relationship ending. I can't move these days... Kiddos.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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