# Regaining trust...... Need advice



## Sarahberrycakes (Apr 2, 2013)

A couple of months ago, my husband was texting and talking to one of our female friends. I wasn't aware of it. They talked a lot, and at one point, he lied to me in order to talk to her. They didn't have an affair. Once I found out about it, I was angry and very hurt. I asked both of them not to talk or text anymore. They have both apologized profusely and kept their promise not to communicate. I wanted to just let it go, but it doesn't seem to be happening so easily. In a conversation about this with my husband, he admitted that things would have gone further if they had continued the behavior. That hurt! I know what he means by it, though. It can happen to anyone whether you set out for it to or not.
He feels like a total noob for doing it. He said that he felt guilty the whole time, but didn't know how to stop. He also said that he was feeling so negative about everything in life, and those conversations with her was a break from reality. That's where I understood that things could have and most likely would have gone into dangerous territory. 
I'm not a jealous wife. I have never had to deal with this sort of situation. I love this man with every fiber of my being. Our marriage has suffered because of this due to lack of trust. I don't want to check his phone or emails, but the untrusting side of me begs me to. I want to trust him fully again. 
He understands and doesn't blame me at all for lacking trust in him, but it is still affecting our marriage.
If any if you have dealt with this and have come across some good advice on how to rebuild/ regain trust in a marriage, please share.

Thanks!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"He also said that he was feeling so negative about everything in life, and those conversations with her was a break from reality." 

"Everything in life" seems to mean "in his relationship with you". Why else talk to another woman and why lie to you about doing so? What was he so unsatisfied about and what makes you believe he still isn't? He told you straight up that the contact would have continued if you hadn't caught him. He didn't know how to stop? Seriously? He didn't know how to quit sending and replying to text messages? I don't believe he feels like a total "noob" at all. He repeatedly violated the boundaries of his marriage, did so intentionally and deliberately, and once caught, he wants to say it just kinda happened to him, as if he had no control over his own actions? Doesn't sound like accepting responsibility to me. If this woman had just come out and offered him sex would he have not been able to think of a way out of that, either? If he can't resist temptation to send a text message, what happens when some woman grabs his crotch or disrobes in front of him?


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## althea0212 (Apr 6, 2013)

After reading your post, I felt that your husband is beginning to fall in love with another woman. Since he said that "It is so alarming when that things would have gone further if they had continued the behavior" shows that he could have an affair with her had you not discovered about what he was doing. Then, he also mentioned that "he felt guilty the whole time but didn't know how to stop." He is now in between continuing the relationship with this female friend while keeping you as his wife. It is difficult for him to detach his feelings for her. He also said that he was feeling so negative about everything in life, and those conversations with her was a break from reality. Does he mean that committing infidelity is a good marital break? Marriage is not something you can put aside and leave for a while just to gain emotional satisfaction. If this happened to me, I would ask my husband to choose between keeping our relationship or going for that woman. I would also like to know if there is something in our marriage that made him risk loosing me. It may be hard to regain your trust in him for now but observe him closely if he wants to keep your marriage. Ask him, how could you ever trust him again?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Your lack of trust isn't based on his actions. It is because he was excluding you from what was going on with him.

So, what is going on with him? Why does he need a break from reality? I get that stress piles up; pressure at work, financial pressure, maybe being weighed down with the monotony or drudgery of daily life can make a person pine for an altered reality. I REALLY get that! But why did he lack the insight and communication skills, other than being a man, to talk to you about it?

Everyone needs fun. We all need to have excitement and novelty in various doses. Marriages can easily become stagnant if one or both parties fail to spend enough quality time with each other, learning new things, doing new things, bringing out new and sometimes untapped skills or talents of interests to explore together.

Your husband has probably been feeling this for sometime but he didn't communicate this to you. Maybe he didn't even understand this himself? This is why you can't get past his near miss and regain trust. What happened is a learning opportunity in which you both can come through so much better!

Read His Needs Her Needs together. Read this book aloud to each other and talk about points that strike close to home. Even good marriages go through down times. They stay good because both husband and wife look to each other for help, and not to another woman or another man.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Sarahberrycakes said:


> A couple of months ago, my husband was texting and talking to one of our female friends. *I wasn't aware of it.* They talked a lot, and at one point, *he lied to me in order to talk to her*. They didn't have an affair.


Well....yeah, they kinda did. Have an affair, that is. They were going behind your back to talk to one another, lying and hiding it from you, and would admittedly eventually have had sex. What you describe is called an emotional affair (EA, in forum shorthand). That means no sex (yet) but lots of time and emotional energy devoted to someone other than the spouse. Your friend was his other woman. 

I would strongly recommend that both you and your husband go completely no contact (NC) with your former friend. I would also strongly recommend you buy and read Dr. Harley's book _Surviving an Affair_, which will give you a good plan for recovering your marriage. 

I also suggest you both read _Not Just Friends_ by Dr. Glass. Your husband clearly has little concept of appropriate marital boundaries. He was heading straight over the cliff of a full-on physical and emotional affair with a close mutual friend of yours. He needs to be way more aware of his own behavior and how that translates into inappropriate situations with the opposite sex.


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## Sarahberrycakes (Apr 2, 2013)

I do believe that eventually she would have offered sex to him. She tried to get me to sleep with her. I literally ran from her house. Lol. I didn't think that she would go after him, though, but apparently that was her plan. He learned a lot about her through their conversations. She sleeps around with different people (other than her husband, which is my husband's best friend and band mate). She goes to swinger parties...... With kids in tow. So my husband felt that he had the responsibility to tell his friend about this. He feels like dealing with what he told her, having the break the news to her husband and knowing that I don't trust him anymore is his punishment for talking to her so much. 

His comment about "things would have gone further" wasn't because he was feeling things for her YET. He just understands that when two people talk too much and talk about personal things, they will become connected. They have had no contact through phone/ text at all. He does go over to their house for band practice once a week, though. I feel a little weird about that, so we set some boundaries. He is only in the music room with the husband and has no contact with her while he's there. She tried to strike up a conversation with him once (by bashing her husband no less). He said that he reminded her of our promise and boundaries. She got mad and walked away. I don't trust her, at all. I don't think for a second that she wouldn't try to "get him". 

One of you asked what was going on with him in daily life that was bothering him so much. We do have a lot of stresses. We have 6 children; two of them with special needs. He's a disabled veteran. He got hurt in Afganistan. He deals with a lot of PTSD issues, and sometimes they come full force. For about the past 2 months, he has been highly angered, very paranoid and feels like he's detached from the world. He was having evil and vicious thoughts on a daily basis that was making him feel even more alienated. I can understand this because I deal with the same condition......from a different cause, but traumatic in the same. We typically talk about how we're feeling and help each other through it, but this time, he even felt detached from me. That had never happened before, and he didn't know how to deal with it. So, in a sense, I understand him talking to someone else. This is someone that has no permanent connection. They don't have anything to argue about.......bills, kids, schedules, etc. It was a break for him, but he absolutely knows that it was wrong and that now he has to deal with the consequences.

My husband and I love each other very much, and we want to do whatever it takes to fix this and be stronger for it. We are starting marriage counseling very soon, and we've also made appointments with therapists for ourselves.


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## relationshipsguide_gal (Apr 6, 2013)

Glad that you're both setting appointments for your therapies and marriage counseling. Your marriage is worth saving. I'm just thankful that you were able to save your husband from this woman! To help you with your trust issues though, I think it should be a team work between you and your husband. Ask him if he's willing to regain your trust and keep it from then on.. Wishing you all the best, mae


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Your H was involved in an EA (emotional affair) which can be just as devestating as a physical one. Go read some stories on CWI board, He must stop all communication with her. Good luck.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I feel it is GOOD the truth came out, Transparency is going forth... Secrets have POWER... the fact this has been exposed to the light...destroys the secret allure & invites marital accountability / boundaries back in..

I think you need some new friends... Though I see this is a BAND situation.....She wanted YOU.... she goes to swinger clubs and sleeps around, Her husband is your husband's best friend & he practices at their house..

Wondering how HER husband feels about all of this? 



> *Sarahberrycakes said:* My husband and I love each other very much, and we want to do whatever it takes to fix this and be stronger for it. We are starting marriage counseling very soon, and we've also made appointments with therapists for ourselves


 Sounds like you are doing everything you can - at this point. :smthumbup:


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## Sarahberrycakes (Apr 2, 2013)

Her husband doesn't care anymore. My husband told him about all that he had learned from talking to her. Her husband laughed about it and said it's nothing new. 

It bugs the hell out of me that he practices at their house. All I can think about is he and his friend talking crap about me and the possibility of he and this woman having conversation, which I DO NOT want happening. 
This whole situation is turning me into a person that I've never dreamed of being; jealous, untrusting, bitter, paranoid........


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## Sarahberrycakes (Apr 2, 2013)

He has lied to me a few times since this occurrence. He says that he'll do whatever it takes to make me trust him again, but I'm pretty sure he won't as he has proven that already.

The good news is that our marriage counseling starts next Tuesday. We'll see how that turns out.


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