# My Husband breached my trust not once, but twice



## star24 (Feb 21, 2015)

My husband betrayed my trust and feels he did nothing wrong. He took naked photos of me, without my consent. Not once, but twice. The first time was just over five years ago. We were dating. I had had too much drink and I fell asleep. The next morning I saw myself, in all my naked glory on his laptop. We argued, he was remorseful. He’d never do it again. (The usual). While I was cautious, our relationship eventually repaired itself and carried on.

Travel down the road about five years, one marriage, two kids later. I finally felt comfortable letting down my guard. I had had too much wine (he was 100% sober) and fell asleep in my lingerie. Fast forward approximately a week. I saw a 9 cent photograph ad for the local drugstore and decided that I wanted to print some photographs for my kid’s scrapbooks. I opened up my laptop, logged into my husband’s dropbox account (which he gave me the username and password for) with the intention of downloading some pictures. There I was. Front and center. Passed out. Mostly naked. On the internet.

Yes, the dropbox account was “secure”. (Whatever that means in this day and age of excellent hackers). Especially since our accounts were hacked last year and we had to change the passwords. Nothing is secure. Add to that the fact that I have stated (time and time again) that I am not comfortable with nude photographs. For several reasons. The top one being that I work in the public school system. I have to be above reproach. If god forbid, photos such as those ever got out, my career in the school system would most likely be over.

However, my husband feels that he has the right to photograph me whenever and however he wants. He breeched my trust in this matter not once, but twice. (According to him he “forgot” about how I felt about nude photographs… bull ****). He claimed that since he deleted them from his phone (and had no intention of telling me what he did) that I need to “get over it and stop making a big deal.” He has apologized. “I’m sorry you feel that way”, with every word dripping with sarcasm and disdain.

My heart is broken. He betrayed me once and I forgave him. I let my guard down and he once again showed that he has absolutely no respect for me. I don’t feel safe sleeping our bedroom and he says that since he doesn’t beat me, “safe” has nothing to do with it. He also says that this is not a matter of trust and that I’m acting like a child.

If it wasn’t for our two kids and our current financial situation I would be out of here in the blink of an eye, but I feel trapped, betrayed, disappointed, violated, and disrespected. I was initially coming here to ask for advice on how to make him understand, but after HOURS of discussion, he just doesn’t get it and he never will. I’m so lost.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Both of these instances happened when you passed out so I suggest you stop drinking and passing out so you are aware of what he is doing. He doesn't think he did anything wrong so I don't think there is anyway to convince him. Why does he feel a need to put the pictures on the internet?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Both of these instances happened when you passed out so I suggest you stop drinking and passing out so you are aware of what he is doing. He doesn't think he did anything wrong so I don't think there is anyway to convince him. Why does he feel a need to put the pictures on the internet?


Uhhh... what?!?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

star24 said:


> My husband betrayed my trust and feels he did nothing wrong. He took naked photos of me, without my consent. Not once, but twice. The first time was just over five years ago. We were dating. I had had too much drink and I fell asleep. The next morning I saw myself, in all my naked glory on his laptop. We argued, he was remorseful. He’d never do it again. (The usual). While I was cautious, our relationship eventually repaired itself and carried on.
> 
> Travel down the road about five years, one marriage, two kids later. I finally felt comfortable letting down my guard. I had had too much wine (he was 100% sober) and fell asleep in my lingerie. Fast forward approximately a week. I saw a 9 cent photograph ad for the local drugstore and decided that I wanted to print some photographs for my kid’s scrapbooks. I opened up my laptop, logged into my husband’s dropbox account (which he gave me the username and password for) with the intention of downloading some pictures. There I was. Front and center. Passed out. Mostly naked. On the internet.
> 
> ...


No.

No. No. No. No. No.

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Your husband's behavior is beyond disturbing, and it smacks of abusive and/or stalking tendencies. I'd also be willing to bet that, should you manage to gain full access to his phone, computer, etc, you might find even more pictures... and not of just you.

_At the *very least*_, you need to be talking w/ a lawyer in order to gain some insight w/ respect to what you can expect from a divorce in your area, because I don't see your husband changing his behavior. And document EVERYTHING.

You might also consider letting your husband know that, should he do this again, you'll be filing for divorce... and possibly sexual assault as well. Before you do, though, check your state's laws regarding the usage of recording devices, because -- if at all possible -- you'll want to record that conversation. Again, start talking w/ a lawyer.

Your bare minimum requirement for remaining in your marriage should be (a) surrender of all electronic devices, including phones, computers, external storage devices (USB memory sticks, external hard drives, etc), (b) surrender all e-mail, social media, and "Cloud" storage accounts, (c) intensive individual counseling for your husband, and (d) marriage counseling for the pair of you.

Oh, and a keylogger on any and all computers that aren't work-issued.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> No.
> 
> No. No. No. No. No.
> 
> ...


Pump the brakes there, son.

Without playing apologist for the man, I think this is overstating the case just a smidge. He wants naked photos of his wife, she doesn't allow it, and he (wrongly) takes what he wants when the opportunity arises. But as far as we can tell from her post, the pictures are for his use, they're not distributed to nor viewable by anyone else. 

Boundary issues? Sure. But abusive or stalking? Not my take on the matter.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> Oh, and a keylogger on any and all computers that aren't work-issued.


Gus, this is not only the same basic ethical lapse, (Breach of privacy) it is a felony in about half the states of the U.S. now. (Unless he agrees to it of course..)


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Cletus said:


> Pump the brakes there, son.
> 
> Without playing apologist for the man, I think this is overstating the case just a smidge. He wants naked photos of his wife, she doesn't allow it, and he (wrongly) takes what he wants when the opportunity arises. But as far as we can tell from her post, the pictures are for his use, they're not distributed to nor viewable by anyone else.
> 
> Boundary issues? Sure. But abusive or stalking? Not my take on the matter.


LOL. Sure thing, Pops. 

Anyway, the phrase "smacks of" is typically used to indicate "possibly indicative of", and not necessarily "definitively indicative of".

Either way, given that OP's husband has obviously -- along w/ repeatedly... and rather "creepily", to boot -- crossed a very clearly-communicated boundary, she'd do well to let him know that his skeevy behavior has the potential to irrevocably alter the nature of their relationship... and in a profoundly negative way.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ocotillo said:


> Gus, this is not only the same basic ethical lapse, (Breach of privacy) it is a felony in about half the states of the U.S. now. (Unless he agrees to it of course..)


I'd intended to imply that his consent would be given, even if only grudgingly so.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I'm with Gus, this is wrong.
She was upset the first time and voiced this, he does it again. She was unconscious, that alone makes it wrong. Not to mention creepy. 

There needs to be a serious discussion about boundaries and why he feels this is ok.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ocotillo said:


> Gus, this is not only the same basic ethical lapse, (Breach of privacy) it is a felony in about half the states of the U.S. now. (Unless he agrees to it of course..)


I think that the suggestion was that part of the list of things that she needs from him in order for her to stay with him is his agreement that there will be a key logger on his computer. 

It is absolutely not a crime or morally wrong if he agrees. 

I did this with my ex when I found out that he was cheating and using the internet for hookups, chatting etc. He agreed. We had key loggers on all our computers after that. And yes I have his agreement in writing.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I think that the suggestion was that part of the list of things that she needs from him in order for her to stay with him is his agreement that there will be a key logger on his computer.


Correct.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Cletus said:


> Pump the brakes there, son.
> 
> Without playing apologist for the man, I think this is overstating the case just a smidge. He wants naked photos of his wife, she doesn't allow it, and he (wrongly) takes what he wants when the opportunity arises. But as far as we can tell from her post, the pictures are for his use, they're not distributed to nor viewable by anyone else.
> 
> Boundary issues? Sure. But abusive or stalking? Not my take on the matter.


I go a little further than "boundary issue". I would rank it up there as a sense of ownership of HER body. Totally uncool.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

OP, for your kids sake and for yours you need to leave if you don't feel safe. Do you have family or friends you can live with while this is resolved?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

mablenc said:


> OP, for your kids sake and for yours you need to leave if you don't feel safe. Do you have family or friends you can live with while this is resolved?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So what makes you think this, I'm curious. How did we go from "took naked pictures of his wife without permission" to "don't feel me or my children are safe"? That seems to me a bridge across a very wide river.

I already regret wading into this conversation, but when the gap between my own interpretation and those of others is this wide, I have to ask why.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

star24,

I agree with you that what your husband has done is a very significant breach of privacy and trust.

Him putting those photos on the internet, even in drop box, is even worse. 

There is a possibility that those are not the only two photos he has taken. It's just as easy to sneak photos like that when a person is asleep. I have a friend who found a ton of photos that her boyfriend was taking while she slept (she was no drunk). 

There is also a possibility that he is doing more with those photos than keeping them for his own personal use. Or as you have said, that his account was hacked and now they are out there on the web somewhere.

If I were you, I'd be doing some serious investigating. I'd search his entire hard drive to see if he is squirreling photos away somewhere. I've done this an have found that sometimes people hide things in places that they think no one will look.. one example is in a folder under the windows operating system. Some to the OS folder/directory trees are very deep. So they go all the way in and then add a secret folder there so hide things.

I would also do a photo search of the internet to see if the photos have made it out there. We know that the photos could be compromised due to hackers. But that's not the only way they can get distributed.

There have been posts about this before.. where a husband takes photos of his wife/gf and posts them on the internet. Some guys exchange photos of women using their cell phone or the internet. 

To find out if your photos are out there, use a photo search engine. They use photos instead of strings of text as the to search off of. Here is a link to one.


https://www.tineye.com/


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lila said:


> :iagree: x 1000
> 
> OP, this is a HUGE breach of trust! It doesn't matter whether the photos were used solely for your husband's viewing pleasure or not. They were taken without your explicit consent, or knowledge for that matter. I wouldn't trust him further than I could throw him.
> 
> ...


:iagree: I'd be looking for a way out of this marriage so fast that his head would spin. It's a HUGE breach of trust.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Cletus said:


> So what makes you think this, I'm curious. How did we go from "took naked pictures of his wife without permission" to "don't feel me or my children are safe"? That seems to me a bridge across a very wide river.
> 
> I already regret wading into this conversation, but when the gap between my own interpretation and those of others is this wide, I have to ask why.


This part of her post:

"My heart is broken. He betrayed me once and I forgave him. I let my guard down and he once again showed that he has absolutely no respect for me. I don’t feel safe sleeping our bedroom and he says that since he doesn’t beat me, “safe” has nothing to do with it. He also says that this is not a matter of trust and that I’m acting like a child.

If it wasn’t for our two kids and our current financial situation I would be out of here in the blink of an eye, but I feel trapped, betrayed, disappointed, violated, and disrespected. I was initially coming here to ask for advice on how to make him understand, but after HOURS of discussion, he just doesn’t get it and he never will. I’m so lost."
_Posted via Mobile Device_

ETA; I didn't say that her kids are not safe, but she's staying for the kids. What kind of message are the kids getting if she's afraid for her safety at her own home.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

mablenc said:


> This part of her post:
> 
> "My heart is broken. He betrayed me once and I forgave him. I let my guard down and he once again showed that he has absolutely no respect for me. I don’t feel safe sleeping our bedroom and he says that since he doesn’t beat me, “safe” has nothing to do with it. He also says that this is not a matter of trust and that I’m acting like a child.
> 
> ...


What I am hearing is

Him: I want what I want, and I don't give a **** how you feel. It's no big deal.

Charming.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> It is absolutely not a crime or morally wrong if he agrees.


I agree, (Which is why I added the caveat myself..) but if a spouse does agree to monitoring, there are better solutions than resorting to malware.


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## star24 (Feb 21, 2015)

ocotillo said:


> I agree, (Which is why I added the caveat myself..) but if a spouse does agree to monitoring, there are better solutions than resorting to malware.


I'm not monitoring him. He is 30 years old, not 3. I don't have the time or energy for that kind of crap. The trust is gone and his words were "fine, don't trust me."

After (yet another) argument this morning, I've realized that there really is nothing to be done but protect myself from being put in that position again. At least until I can afford a divorce. I have dumped the remaining bottle of wine I had. (I only drink once or twice a year). I have also tossed all lingerie and sexy underwear. He's moved out of our bedroom and I've replaced the lock on the master room.

I don't trust him. He has not apologized, doesn't get what he did was wrong, says he doesn't understand how this is a breech of trust and that I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

I'm done with him. I'm done with the marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ocotillo said:


> I agree, (Which is why I added the caveat myself..) but if a spouse does agree to monitoring, there are better solutions than resorting to malware.


A good key logger is not malware.

What else would you suggest?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

star24 said:


> I'm not monitoring him. He is 30 years old, not 3. I don't have the time or energy for that kind of crap. The trust is gone and his words were "fine, don't trust me."
> 
> After (yet another) argument this morning, I've realized that there really is nothing to be done but protect myself from being put in that position again. At least until I can afford a divorce. I have dumped the remaining bottle of wine I had. (I only drink once or twice a year). I have also tossed all lingerie and sexy underwear. He's moved out of our bedroom and I've replaced the lock on the master room.
> 
> ...


The monitoring is only if you were willing to try to continue in a marriage with him. And I'm not sure that it would work with his attitude. He's have to be very remorseful and repentant for that. He's not.

You have made your choice and I think it's a wise one.

In-house separations are not unusual these days. You might do well to at least consult with an attorney to know your rights and how to position yourself financially and otherwise for divorce. Many attorneys will give a free half hour, to one hour consultation with the hopes that you will eventually hire them. In the past I've visited 2-3 and gotten a lot of advice and eventually hired the one that I felt would represent me well.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Some of you guys seem to be taking this very lightly. Depending on how star handles this he could easily end up registering as a sex offender the rest of his life.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> A good key logger is not malware.


If the software cloaks files, directories, drivers, services, processes, and TCP/IP ports by patching the kernal; modifying kernal data reporting; modifying any of the API layers; hooking legitimate system calls; modifying shared .dll's used by other software or damaging your OS in any other way whatsoever, it's malware. 




EleGirl said:


> What else would you suggest?


For a laptop or desktop I would recommend a hardware dongle. I know it can be removed, if someone wants to be sketchy, but with a web browser built into every smart phone, every tablet, every handheld and console video gaming system, every ipod, every blue ray player, every smart television and with USB drives big enough and fast enough to run an OS from, there is going to be an element of trust no matter what.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ocotillo said:


> If the software cloaks files, directories, drivers, services, processes, and TCP/IP ports by patching the kernal; modifying kernal data reporting; modifying any of the API layers; hooking legitimate system calls; modifying shared .dll's used by other software or damaging your OS in any other way whatsoever, it's malware.


Not all key loggers do all that. 





ocotillo said:


> For a laptop or desktop I would recommend a hardware dongle. I know it can be removed, if someone wants to be sketchy, but with a web browser built into every smart phone, every tablet, every handheld and console video gaming system, every ipod, every blue ray player, every smart television and with USB drives big enough and fast enough to run an OS from, there is going to be an element of trust no matter what.


hardware dongles do not do the same thing that the kind of key logger I have used does. For example a dongle does not get screen shots. I've learned that screen shots are extremely important as a savy user can find ways to not use the keypad. But with a key logger that also gets screen shots and thing like records every website/page visited it's hard for a savy user to hide anything.

My ex is a web developer and very savy. I was able to outsmart his attempts to hide stuff... part of why we are no longer married. He agreed to the key logger but then thought he could out smart it. 

 I'm better


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

What a creep. He has broken the law and I agree with others who knows what else he has done or capable of. 

I'm very sorry he's done this. Please protect yourself.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I agree time to really consider getting out of this marriage!

I also see a big red flag with your drinking. Drinking until you pass out indicates you might have a problem with alcohol.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Some of you guys seem to be taking this very lightly. Depending on how star handles this he could easily end up registering as a sex offender the rest of his life.


And the issue there is .... ?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> And the issue there is .... ?


The issue is that this is a serious matter and there are people on this thread minimizing it.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Not all key loggers do all that.


Which keyloggers *are visible to the casual user* using built in tools like control, explorer.exe, taskmgr.exe, regedit.exe, msconfig.exe, eventvwr.exe, services.msc, comexp.msc and appwiz.cpl? 






EleGirl said:


> I'm better


I'm glad you caught him.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Not all key loggers do all that.
> 
> hardware dongles do not do the same thing that the kind of key logger I have used does. For example a dongle does not get screen shots. I've learned that screen shots are extremely important as a savy user can find ways to not use the keypad. But with a key logger that also gets screen shots and thing like records every website/page visited it's hard for a savy user to hide anything.
> 
> ...


His ego was likely his downfall.

Glad you nailed him, BTW.


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