# I don't like sex



## IloveFlowers (Dec 8, 2010)

My husband and I haven't had sex since I conceived. I am now 31 weeks pregnant. This is in no way my husband's fault. He is a kind considerate man, and he wants me but I'm just not interested in sex anymore. I wasn't even interested when we last had it but we both wanted another child and I knew it was my fertile time.

I have these feelings that sex is dirty and kind of gross. I have also experienced a lot of pain with sex in the past. I don't know why, as my gynecologist was not able to find a reason for my pain.

I feel very guilty and don't know what to do about this. I would like to desire sex again. It isn't that I don't feel sexual desire, I do but just don't want to have sex. I would honestly rather masturbate.

In all other ways our marriage is very good and I love my husband. This isn't fair to him and I know it is hard on him as well. What can I do? Any advice?

Please don't tell me to seek counseling. I have no time or money to go to therapy. I am pg, in grad school and I homeschool our 7 year old dd.

Any and all advice is appreciated. God Bless!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

What is the nature of the pain? Did you have it before the birth of your child? 

I don't know if you realize this but, a man equates sex with emotional connection and love of his wife. Your husband may seem to accept this but he is devastated inside. He may see it like this- "she has time for school and kids but no time to show me she loves me in the only way that I can feel from her". He is absolutely lonely.

He won't tell you because he does not want to seem to pressure you but, that's what he feels. It is vital to your marriage and family to solve this problem. You have to get therapy because someone in your family is suffering, your husband and he needs your attention. Don't abandon the man, work on your dysfunctional ideas about sex and on your relationship. 

If you don't fix this sex problem, you may not be able to count on him staying in your life. By ignoring his needs, you jeopardize the stability of 2 innocent kids. That means that this should go to the top of the to do list.


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## mrsromance (Oct 21, 2010)

It sounds like you have your hands full and don't have time to relax enough to enjoy sex. I use to feel as if i did not like sex anymore as well. It would be uncomfortable because i would just want to get it over with and not take enough time to warm up. Sometimes i would make him stop because of the pain. Honestly since i have less stress in my life mainly due to not working i have started to enjoy and look forward to having sex with my husband again. I know it is hard with kids and being pregnant zaps your energy, but maybe on saturdays you can take a few hours to enjoy one another. Do you ever go out on dates and just spend time talking? Don't give up you can overcome this.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

hi

is the pain from you not being ready and you are needing more foreplay? at 31 weeks, the only thing i wanted was a fork in my hand 24/7...lol. but try and get him to give massages, and talk more. teell him you might like sex but its difficult to manuver like you are used to doing.

and date nite is a good idea, it dosent have to be about sex, just talking. talking will help you feel closer to him, tell him how you feel, not too much into detail, somrthings are TMI even for husbands to handle....

ask for more one on one time, try a bath[for yourself] you will feel all yummy, ask him to sit in the room with you and talk. set aside baby time talk, sometimes we have a harder time disconnecting from the baby, with good reason....

try just plain talking tell him, not to be mean or belittle, how sex is different at this stage, ask for romance...

i dont know your situation, but i thought some of these ideas would help you, my h and i also had a struggle with the last pg, i had triplets, and i was crazy, so we really had to find other ways to feel closer. around 5/6 months doctors orders "no sex".

you are not alone in feeling this way, keep the talking open even more so now. it is easy to forget about husbands when a baby is on the way or here....good luck, have you tried KY jelly? it might help....things....move...eaiser...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

IloveFlowers said:


> My husband and I haven't had sex since I conceived. I am now 31 weeks pregnant. This is in no way my husband's fault. He is a kind considerate man, and he wants me but I'm just not interested in sex anymore. I wasn't even interested when we last had it but we both wanted another child and I knew it was my fertile time.


Your husband has been very kind to you in this regard, probably too kind in fact. If he came to this board seeking advice & asked if he should impregnate his wife knowing she does NOT enjoy sex with him, we would have all told him NO, don't do it, you have to resolve these issues with sex 1st -before bringing more children into the marraige. 



IloveFlowers said:


> I have these feelings that sex is dirty and kind of gross. I have also experienced a lot of pain with sex in the past. I don't know why, as my gynecologist was not able to find a reason for my pain.


 Where do you think these feelings came from ? Strict religious upbringing? Bad experiences with other men? The pain -is he very large ? Is it a Physical thing or do you feel it is mental thing -because of your feelings about sex ? 



IloveFlowers said:


> I feel very guilty and don't know what to do about this. I would like to desire sex again. It isn't that I don't feel sexual desire, I do but just don't want to have sex. I would honestly rather masturbate.


 IF you are masterbating, the 1st thing you need to do, if you love your husband is *STOP* immediately - so you can build sexual desire , *save this act solely for him*. This will only help you and your marraige. 

Is thier pain when you masterbate? 




IloveFlowers said:


> Please don't tell me to seek counseling. I have no time or money to go to therapy. I am pg, in grad school and I homeschool our 7 year old dd.


 You say you have no time for anything, but you manage to Homeschool admists grad school & pregnancy. This is an awful lot going on! Where does the husband fit into your schedule? How does HE feel about all of this ? 

Even the greatest of men with a tremendous amount of love & patience - will feel dimished, hurt, neglected, rejected, and NOT loved if their wives have no desire for them sexually. Like Cathrenine602 said -You may stand to loose him in the future. Lets hope you just need to gain an education about sexuality and a Man's needs as a husband, this life giving gift God gave to us. Buy this wonderful book from Amazon & read from cover to cover to help you see how important Love making is in a marraige. Amazon.com: Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage (9780842360241): Kevin Leman: Books

With all of this going on, realize if you breastfeed this up coming baby, it will further inhibit your sexual desire. Breastfeeding causes a woman's prolactin levels to soar, and this hormone in abundance diminishes sexual desire. MIght opt to bottle feed -just for your husband's sake. And getting some desire back -after pregnancy.


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## IloveFlowers (Dec 8, 2010)

Thank you all very much for your advice and words of encouragement.
I'm not sure why I don't like sex anymore. Because it wasn't always this way but has been for the last few years. There may be a couple of reasons. 1. I had a horrid relationship with my father. He was an abusive alcoholic. There may be one instance of where he sexually abused me. I am not sure as the memories are fuzzy. 2. I have very bad chronic back pain, which is only made worse by pregnancy. I have arthritis and scoliosis. I do undergo very regular chiropractic treatments and while they help it is not a cure, as there is no cure. The pain from these conditions have only gotten bad in the last couple of years.

Yes I know about prolactin and breastfeeding. When I BF my dd I had zero desire although when I stopped (when she was 10 months) my desire came back. We did have some sex during that time but not much. My husband very much wants me to BF. However I will talk this over with him. Maybe I should only BF for 6 weeks or so. Although we both believe that a child should be BF for around a year or so for the best start in life.

After the baby comes I will be taking a year off of grad school. So at least there is that.

I have NO idea why I have pain during intercourse. I had a c-section with dd but this time we are having a homebirth. My big hope is that having a baby vaginally will open things up and there will be no more pain. And yes we've tried lubes and lots of things.

Husband and I just recently did a date night. There isn't much time or money for date nights. When we went out it cost a 100.00! That included the sitter. That may not seem like much to some but it is a lot of money for us. Hence that is why we don't often do date nights. 

I will talk to him about trying to set aside some evening time for us to be intimate. Even if it doesn't start with sex, maybe it will end with it. He does give me massages and is so considerate in every way. He is a wonderful man. I hate the thought that I have made him feel rejected or devastated. Makes me want to cry.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'm guessing that the baby inside you isn't dirty or gross and he/she was made through God's gift of sex. It's true that some people have abused this precious gift and tried to make it seem dirty or gross but that's not reality and it's not His fault. You, your husband, and your marriage NEED sexual intimacy. There may be some things too painful for you to do right now, but there are ways you can pleasure each other and that really needs to happen.
I'll suppose that you eat right and try your best to provide what your baby needs. It needs two emotionally healthy, loving parents. Your husband may have the patience of Job but neither of you will have a great or even good marriage without sexual intimacy. 
Your notions of sex being wrong, dirty, evil, disgusting, or whatever are all lies. Nothing could be more right or beautiful than a healthy loving, sexual relationship between husband and wife. Divorce is disgusting. Kids being raised without a father is disgusting. People living together but secretly dying inside from loneliness is disgusting. A world without sex would be without puppies, kittens, babies, etc and would be one without those everlasting deep longings between husbands and wives that help keep families together and that help keep individuals out of psychiatrist offices. 
Your emotions regarding sexual maturity were formed during your adolescence and likely have nothing to do with your husband. If you didn't "get it" or you got it wrong, it's not your fault, either, but you might want to get with a professional to help you work this important issue out.


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

Well unfortunately you have. And only you can fix it. Until you get the intercourse thing turned around hopefully you can become proficent in other methods of making him feel loved and appreciated.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

IloveFlowers said:


> Husband and I just recently did a date night. There isn't much time or money for date nights. When we went out it cost a 100.00! That included the sitter. That may not seem like much to some but it is a lot of money for us. Hence that is why we don't often do date nights.


I am sorry- I can not help but comment on this. You say, that might not seem like much - I say that is outragrous! Especially if $$ is an issue. One never needs to spend THIS much to enjoy a night out, or a day out together. No friends to swap babysitting favors with? 

Do you have any $1 theaters in your area? Just for example, I can bring my whole family of 8 to a movie theater on their cheap day for $6 total (we don't buy snacks)-then go to a Cici's restaurant next door during their low cost hours & pay $3 a person! = $30 total for 8 of us to watch a movie & eat out. Gotta look for deals, Restaurant coupons, do a little planning. 

When the weather is nice, take a walk on a nature trail, go ride bikes together, go swimming at the local State Park. 

Lots of ways to please a man, that does not require intercourse, another book suggestion for you. Amazon.com: Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man (9780060834395): Ian Kerner: Books I loved this one. I used to look at sex a little dirty too, so I have come a long long way. Can pick this up here used for $4.60 + shipping .


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I am a movie buff. . .I try to watch Planes, Trains, and Automobiles every Thanksgiving and watch The Sound of Music every x-mas.

Anyway, in the movie, when the fictional character, Maria, is trying to decide between a life of love and marriage and a life in the convent as a nun, she is reminded my Mother Superior that a union between man and woman is holy too.

It really can be a switch, if you had a conservative upbringing, to all of the sudden say, "OK now. . .have as much sex as you want."

But it's really true. There should be nothing holding you back at this point other than something medical.

Now. . .speaking to your back pain, I am a chiropractor. Glad you have a good one. You should bring up the subject of the chronic pain disrupting your sex life.

Some discussions I have with my patients regarding sex and back pain:

1. Make sure you have a good mattress. A mattress is for sleep and intimacy and if you are trying to at least have an average sex life, your mattress should have a good amount of spring coils/inch to accomodate, well. . .the "activity." I do endorse "memory foam" (it's expensive though) but have found Sleep Number to be a crap shoot. 

Really, just a good spring-coil is fine. Not that money should be a gauge but generally, you are going to have to spend $800-1000 for a queen to probably reach the quality you need. No need to spend $2000 though. I owned a Chirotonic by Restonic for years.

2. You have scoliosis. A scoliotic curve can degradate in a day as much as 7 degrees, making your pain more pronounced @ night. You should then probably schedule sex in the morning as it's probably when your pain is the least acute. Your husband will probably want it then too as most guys tend to be more ready in the a.m.

3. With regards to 2, I can't stress this enough with my scoliosis patients but you need to be in the water regularly, probably an hour/day. The weightlessness of water tends to relieve scoliosis-related pain because there is no gravity acting downward on the spine. Get an Endless Pool, join a pool, have a hottub, but you are going to have to start priortizing your health first, and your sexual health and spinal health is part of it.

(lecture time)

It sounds like your priorities are here:

1. Kids
2. School
3. Husband
4. Health

All wrong. #4 needs to be #1. Then sex will come.

American's priorites are all wrong unfortunately.

4. Keep the weight off.

5. Sexual positions - with chronic back pain, you should be on the bottom. The pelvic/sacral thrusting that comes with the woman being on top can disrupt the mechanics of the pelvis, if it is vigorous especially and you have an underlying weakness (and it sounds like you do). Not to say you can't do it once in awhile, but you should be spooning or on the bottom, stomach or back.

6. Keep up your adjustments, consider wearing a brace/support.

7. If you rather masturbate and it's vaginally painful, this is beyond my expertise as a DC, but if your OB/GYN is punting the ball here, perhaps you need to both engage in more oral and less intercourse as a mix for the gratifying sexual experience.

Prognosis: Now will you ever be like Greenpearl and SA, like rabbits in heat in the springtime with your sex life? Probably not. . .they need the Turbo Models for their mattresses, complete with cooling fans . . .but with some work you can improve it much to the appreciation of your husband.

I tried to make this post practical. If there other concerns, feel free to voice them. Good luck.


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

IloveFlowers said:


> I have NO idea why I have pain during intercourse. I had a c-section with dd but this time we are having a homebirth. My big hope is that having a baby vaginally will open things up and there will be no more pain. And yes we've tried lubes and lots of things.


I hope for you guys the homebirth solves the problem and sex is no longer painful. If it is still painful and your ob/gyn found no obvious causes then it is possible it's one of a couple of dozen little things that can be taken care of fairly easily. Go back and complain to the doc.

I know you said don't mention counseling because of time/money issues but there is likely free counseling in your area at your local health center or through a local non-profit agency.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Sounds like there are allot of contributing factors and my heart goes out to you. Scannerguard as usual has some good advice..good to follow. 

As others have said men equate sex with closeness and being wanted. On some levels it is a physical need as much as emotional. You post is indicative that you appreciate its importance but, i feel inclined to reiterate for you. 

I live in NYC so i know dates can be expensive but, be creative. You can also have dated nights in the house when kids are asleep light candles rent a movie... 

You may want to consider assessing your priorities as scanner mentioned. If your past you feel is an issue do what you can to get counseling. Your education (and homeschooling your child) should take a backseet to keeping your marriage intact.

If you trully can't bear to have intercourse there are other types of intamacy that can make him feel loved and provide sexual satisfaction for him? I find it interesting that you don't have problem with masturbating but, you just don't want to have sex with your husband"


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

You said you don't have money for counseling, so I would try to find some books. Stop by the local book store and look at what might be helpful. You can buy it there or used online for much cheaper (about $6 a book). You can resell it when your done too, and you usually end spending <$7 a book after shipping both ways.

This probably won't help the pain, but theres a good chance it will help you analyze why you aren't interested and what to do about it. Books have been very helpful for me.

This should help you when thinking about sex as dirty and gross.


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## IloveFlowers (Dec 8, 2010)

SimplyAmorous > There are no 1.00 theaters where I live, sadly. There used to be when we lived in another state and we went there often. I'm not about to take a walk (can't bike) or anything else in 24 degree weather.  All difficult things to do when 31 weeks pg. No there isn't anyone to trade babysitting with. We have to hire a sitter. We did have a CiCi's but they closed.  Thank you for the book suggestion. I will check it out! 

Someone suggested having a romantic night in and I like that! I know my husband would do that.

Scannerguard> Thank you for that detailed post. I never thought to mention to my chiropractor about the painful sex. I will have a talk with him when I see him on Friday. I've known the man for 3 years so I wouldn't be embarrassed. We do have a very high quality mattress. It is a spring coil/memory foam combo. We paid around 1000.00 for it. We try to flip it every 6 weeks. You listed my priorities just about right, except 3 would be Health and 4 would be hubby. I bounce on the exercise ball as chiropractor has told me. I will consider joining the Y which is right down the road and they have a pool. It depends on the $ though. I did not have a conservative upbringing. My parents were hippies. I had an abusive upbringing.

For those that have asked about masturbation...there isn't any pain for me with masturbation as I don't do any sort of penetration. Clitoral stimulation only.

Thank you all for your replies and advice.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i recently found out i have cycsts on my ov, not cancerous, but annoying. somrtimes around my time of the month, they will hurt esp during sex, not every time and at different levels...but it does hurt, usually i just endure, if i know that its close to a time and they hurt, i will say no to sex, and try for oral.

so i understand the pain part, for me there is nothing to be done about it...hopefully you will find help, and sex will be better than ever. YAY


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