# Am I breaking my marriage?



## mm1973 (Jun 18, 2012)

I have been married for 10 years with the love of my life.
But at the moment we are at a turning point in our marriage.

I lost all trust in my wife. About 2 years ago she changed her behaviour. She stopped communicating (she didn't told me she started her new Job), her appearance changed, clothes, lingerie and with it all our relationship. It went from couple to roommates. She was unsure she still loved me; I left for a few weeks so she could think about us, nothing changed.

In a period of 6 months she started texting a lot even at night, she created a dating profile (ruin4it) talking to a mrinrealdeep. She slept at friends after a party taking our sex toy and i found she booked into a hotel with her credit card, it broke and changed me.

When i confronted her with all this, it was not as it seemed she had an explanation for everything, but she kept doing things in secret until I had enough. I lost 25 kilos in those 6 months, was struggling with work and health and wanted to separate. 

It was after this we started talking and decided to fight for our marriage. Two years later i am writing this post.

Although we have our good moments nothing really changed. I just don't trust her anymore. The main reason, because for the last 2.5 years there has been no intimacy at all. I have seen her naked maybe 3 times quickly out of the shower, but no sex for 2.5 years.

I live on intimacy; every time I look at her it breaks my heart. She is so beautiful and I just want her to be a part me physically and emotionally. I heard all the excuses and most are my fault, but for me it means something is wrong...I tried everything romantic dinners, movie..Two months ago I booked a romantic gateway in the mountains, cabin, fireplace, hot tub, chocolate fondue, rose paddles everywhere, all with dinners and breakfast and the most romantic view you can find. I didn't happen, the first night she got sick of all the alcohol she was sculling, the second night she fell asleep. I cried for two days.

I am a good husband, I clean the house every Saturday as she works, and I am more than happy to do this, I do washing, shopping, ironing..

I am a affectionate person, I love hugging and kissing, buying her flowers and gifts, write a poem or letter, getting her take away coffee in the morning, buy her clothes if she is worried about a party..She says two words and I understand, she is always on my mind and my nr 1.

I don't know what else I can or must do so it makes me insecure; I start feeling less about myself, why doesn't she want intimacy? Is it me? Is there someone else?

She still keeps secrets for me, small things but they are there, so she must be lying about other things...and I go look for it, I confront her and she will get angry..i have it all in my head, i am paranoid and I am to blame for no intimacy in our marriage.

I do believe her if she says I am seeing ghosts, but after a few months of nothing it starts again, me? Someone else?

I am in a circle not able to get out.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I think your wife is breaking your marriage, not you.
She has secrets and when you confront her, she puts up barriers.

Don't confront over every single detail. Snoop and be calm until you have the evidence and proof that she is seeing someone else. You have a lot of red flags there.

It seems from your post that if you don't ask too many questions, she relaxes her secrecy a little.
Silently and stealthily gain access to her phone, her computer, etc. Build evidence and confront her with the truth.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

How much of this is going on in your relationship?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/27179-boundary-testing-handbook.html

How much of THIS is going on in your relationship?
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html

How long have you been together?
How long married?
When did your sex life start to tank?
How did your weight change from the day you started sleeping together, to the maximum you reached? How about her weight?
Are you at a healthy weight now? Are you fit?

You have to execute 2 activities in parallel:
- Make yourself more desirable (part of that is learning how to respond to boundary tests/also called fitness tests). And part of that might be fitness, dressing better, etc. 
- And make yourself less available. The thermostat post touches on that lightly. 

Read the posts and see if they apply. 




mm1973 said:


> I have been married for 10 years with the love of my life.
> But at the moment we are at a turning point in our marriage.
> 
> I lost all trust in my wife. About 2 years ago she changed her behaviour. She stopped communicating (she didn't told me she started her new Job), her appearance changed, clothes, lingerie and with it all our relationship. It went from couple to roommates. She was unsure she still loved me; I left for a few weeks so she could think about us, nothing changed.
> ...


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

First, she almost certainly cheated on you. You seem to know that, and are still willing to try to repair the marriage. If she's still exhibiting the same secretive behavior, chances are good she'll do it again, in my opinion. Everyone has some things they like to keep private, but if she consistently lies and exhibits this behavior, there's a reason. You're going to have to confront her and let her know it's unacceptable. She either has to want in or out of the marriage. And you have to accept that her answer may be "out".

Second, do some reading about Nice Guys. You seem like a classic case. Read Athol Kay's book. Read No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover and Hold On to Your NUTS by Wayne Levine. The thing is she has lost respect for you and the nicer you are, the worse it gets. Doing everything for her does NOT help. The nice things you're doing do NOT help. The only thing that will help is getting her respect back.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sorry but I'm going to cut to the chase:

Your wife had an affair 2 years ago
She gave you the I Love Ypu But I'm Not In Love With You speech (ILYBNILWY)
Your marriage has been sexless for over 2 years

If I were a betting man, I'd be willing to bet that the affair(s) are still going on. I believe that she's taken them so far underground that you are having a hard time finding out about them.

Normally I'd recommend that you get a keylogger on the PC and monitor her cell phone usage (can you see the past bills on line or get hard copies from your carrier?) Also, ge some voice activated recorders (VARS) and place one under the front seat of her car with heavy duty velcro (cheaters feel safe talking on their phones in their cars)

That being said, Why would you want to even stay with this woman who doesn't seem to give a sh!t about you? You BOTH decided to save the marriage, right? Part of the marriage involves the idea that both of you agree to have sex with each other (and only each other). She has been breaking that part of the marriage contract for years now. 

I honestly think that after 2 years of no sex it's time to move on. I also believe that her affair(s) is still going on

I am so sorry for you. You sound like a nice guy. You should be with someone who would appreciate and love you. I don't think the woman (notice I didn't say wife because she hasn't been a wife to you in years) you're with now is worth the effort you've exerted


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I hate saying it... she did have an affair. Honestly, she may still be involved with the guy...or *a* guy. She isn't having sex with you, her husband. She hasn't had sex with you in 2.5 years. What is actually keeping you with her?


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

mm1973 said:


> I have been married for 10 years with the love of my life.


Sorry, but I think the "love of my life" is gone, and you're just clinging to that old memory. The current version of your wife banged another guy. Instead of working on the marriage, she instead treats you like a doormat. No s*x for 2.5 years? 

Why stay with this woman?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

She has been completely checked out for a long time dude. The only reason she is still there is because you haven't kicked her out, instead you've been even nicer, if anything her biggest problem is dealing with her own disgust at how nice you treat her. She is having her cake and eating it too because you are letting her.

Your best bet is to recognize you do not have a marriage at all, there is nothing you can do to make her want to come back into it, but you can take steps to reclaim your own life and happiness.

I don't even think you need to gather evidence unless you don't live in a no-fault state, just start with seeing a lawyer, talk to a few willing to do free consults, then when you find one that tells you to go after as much as you can get in terms of property and custody go with that one to draw up your separation agreement and divorce papers.

I'm sorry it sucks to hear this, but life will get way better when you no longer have your parasitic W leaching off of you and giving nothing substantial in return - she is simply leading you along to continue to get everything she is getting from the lifestyle being with you provides.

edit: and I'm not joking about a shark lawyer, because your W will have no ethical qualms about doing the same thing to you. It is the way of the cheating wife (spouse).


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

First let me say, that I am sorry that you are in this position. Not an enviable place. Let me comment on what you said.



mm1973 said:


> _I lost all trust in my wife_. About 2 years ago she changed her behaviour. She stopped communicating (she didn't told me she started her new Job), her appearance changed, clothes, lingerie and with it all our relationship. It went from couple to roommates. She was unsure she still loved me; I left for a few weeks so she could think about us, nothing changed.


You have no trust and she obviously is not working to gain it back. Red Flag.



mm1973 said:


> In a period of 6 months she started texting a lot even at night, she created a dating profile (ruin4it) talking to a mrinrealdeep. She slept at friends after a party taking our sex toy and i found she booked into a hotel with her credit card, it broke and changed me.


Huge red flag, especially when combined with her behavior change. More than likely she met someone else and more than likely slept with them. Nobody who respects their marriage creates a profile on a dating site and then takes off to a hotel with your sex toys in hand. Who has a dating profile "mrinrealdeep"? Sounds like a hook-up site.



mm1973 said:


> When i confronted her with all this, it was not as it seemed she had an explanation for everything


Another red flag. Standard cheaters behavior, always an excuse and she probably blames you for the escapade and all the problems in your marriage. 



mm1973 said:


> I have seen her naked maybe 3 times quickly out of the shower, but no sex for 2.5 years.


Are you freaking kidding me??? How can you have a healthy marriage without physical intimacy? Huge red flag.


To many flags hanging around here for me. You are not breaking your marriage, your wife broke it long ago. Stop making excuses for her behavior! You need to admit who is really at fault. I would recommend you seek out a counselor for yourself and start to work on you. You are not the problem and the fact that you think you are is a problem. She is not working to improve your marriage, so you should work to improve yourself and see what is really going on.

How you proceed is your decision, but you really need to look at the situation objectively and move forward. This marriage is in need of some major help, but it takes two to tango. You need to be looking out for number one (you) and move in a direction that is in your best interests.


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## Sporto (Jun 18, 2012)

How could you stay in a marriage for 2.5 years with no sex?? If you have kids I could understand. It is obvious she has lost all attraction for you. Move ON!!! Save yourself!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your wife started a affair years ago. From everything you wrote, she is still very much cheating likely with multiple partners.

Your attempt to be kind and romantic are failing because she didn't want to be with you. She drank all that alcohol to avoid being with you. The next night was another ploy to avoid you. She doesn't want to betray her lover by bring with you.

Your only purpose is to finance her lifestyle. You take cared her, evn buy her clothes she wears for othermen.

Your be super nice strategy has failed completely. Time for a new approach. Take the money you spend on her and hire a PI to find out who she is cheating with. Exposé her lovers to their wives. Then file for divorce after securing your money away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MooseAndSquirrel (Jun 7, 2012)

Marriage is already broken, dude. You are PAST the turning point. Way, way past.


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## mm1973 (Jun 18, 2012)

Thanks for all the replies even when some are difficult to hear.

Most has crossed my mind and yes I might be naïve. I just love her and it's just hard to give her up, she has been part of half my life and responsible for who I am and what I achieved. We do have a beautiful son which I should have included in my original post.

To answer some questions or clarify;

I am not playing the nice guy card, it's who I am, always been throughout our marriage. I wouldn't change this as some suggested as I won't let this make me someone I am not. Even when it ends, I need her to remember who I was and how I was (not with any underlying reason).

I just don't know what to believe, do I owe her that much? that I need to believe her. 

I found out a lot, and went pretty far to get the information for my raised suspicions, some just by accident. The dating site was a pretty doggie one, the profile belonged to her boss, so was the phone nr she was texting. I can't believe she would ever have a physical relationship with this guy (no woman would) but I think it was more emotional. I can't do nothing with the hotel and taking a sex toy to a (girl)friend (at least that's what she said).

At the time I could get past this, it was hard, but I could. 

The problem is just no intimacy no sex and I am not joking 2.5 years and counting. It's my RED flag and it always comes back to this. It makes me insecure and causing continues suspicion. 

For a while things are great, maybe even better than ever and I have my hopes that intimacy return, but when it doesn't I fall back and start looking for anything that confirms my suspicion.

She answers "with everything is in my head, I am seeing ghosts".

Reading all the replies, I am back again and know what has enfolded before me and I don't even think I can ever forget (maybe forgive) what she has put me through.

I need to realise it is past the point of no return, just hard to admit.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

mm,

It's a hard realization to come to but I think you're there.

2.5 years without any type of physical relationship (not even duty sex or pity sex) shows that she doesn't care for you at all on any level but she's happy to keep the relationship going because you take care of her.

In the meanwhile, she's getting HER sexual needs met elsewhere.

I too think it's time to pull the plug on this one. Sorry for your pain.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

mm1973 said:


> I am not playing the nice guy card, it's who I am, always been throughout our marriage. I wouldn't change this as some suggested as I won't let this make me someone I am not. Even when it ends, I need her to remember who I was and how I was (not with any underlying reason).


You're willing to accept that it ends just as long as she remembers you're a nice guy.Standing up strong for your beliefs and expectations in marriage doesn't preclude you from being a nice guy.


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

I am sorry you are here. There is a lot of truth, and support here. I agree with many post on your thread, and wish I could say something besides what I will. The things happening in your relationship are not the norm or what goes on in a healthy relationship. You did not break the marriage, she did. You should know by now that it is common for the betrayed spouse to feel the hurt, guilt and shame. But you are blameless, shameless, and hurting! Get some help and stop hurting. Then get someone who will really love you and wants you. A relationship and marriage where there is no sexual intimacy, for 2.5 years, let alone betrayal, is a deal breaker. Good luck, and I wish you well!


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

I suggest you may want to move this to CWI. You should try to do the 180 on her. You should work on yourself and get the truth from her.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

mm, just because you are a genuine nice man does not give people the right to tread on you, and your niceguyness really is obscuring you to the reality that you are being taken complete advantage of and being deceived/lied to. Only you will have the ability to put a stop to the way your marriage is right now, and that means establishing some boundaries and enforcing them - something very difficult for the innefectual niceguy to do, and if you succeed it is very likely that she will not even comform because this has gone on so long for her to do whatever she chooses outside the boundaries of your relationship (because they weren't clearly established).

I guarantee you that if you can work on yourself and work on enforcing boundaries you will be much happier, life will be more meaningful and fulfilling, even if that means without her in it - that may feel sad, but really it is all on her if she chooses to join you in life or not there is nothing you can do but live your life and ask her to live it with you, no manipulation, pretending, behavior you do can change that for her. I know this because it is what I am working on right now too, it is not easy and not always happy but I know its right.


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## Sporto (Jun 18, 2012)

You are definitly a nice guy and need to work on yourself for a future relationship but get the heck out of this one. No one should be treated like this. It is emotional abuse. GET OUT!!


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