# Wife has no sex drive and is putting on weight



## Megabored11 (Aug 1, 2014)

So my wife and I have been together for about three years, married for one. The woman I fell in love with was sexy and fun. Unfortunately, the sex was never great. Over the past three years it's went from bad to worse to virtually non existent. We've literally gone months without doing it. 

Again, this has been a problem from the beginning. I decided to marry her because everything else is perfect. We make an awesome team, have similar goals and values, and we communicate well (sometimes). I'm very aware that finding the perfect woman is never going to happen and that there has to be a give and take. After much thought and weighing the good and the bad, I figured she was just about as close to perfect as I was gonna get. 

So the sex thing.....first off, BJs are and always have been absolutely out of the question. She refuses. Second, she has literally NO sex drive. I think we could just never do it again and she'd be ok with that. (Minus the once or twice to make babies). 

When we actually do have sex, she lays there. Literally. The ONLY way she lets me do it is with her laying on her side with me behind her. Her getting on top or anything else is not gonna happen. She lays there motionless. The only times she does anything at all is to complain that I'm grabbing too hard or something. She even gripes if I wanna kiss her while we do it. I usually can't touch her boobs either. It makes it feel like some weird alien insemination or science experiment. 

On top of that, since the birth of our child, she's put on weight and kept it on. She doesn't take care of herself. She has terrible eating habits and smokes. 

I'm a person who's very aware of physical fitness and I do my best to take care of myself. I know it's rotten to think this way, but when were out shopping and I see sexy moms out there pushing strollers with babies around the same age as mine, then look at my sloppy, boring wife, I get pissed. I can't help but thinking, "dude I'm not getting any younger, and I'd really hate to die without getting one more good BJ". 

I know, I know. I'm a shallow, terrible, selfish person. Really I am. So, any suggestions?


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Someone will be along shortly to tell you how bad you are for resenting this woman that doesn't care about a few basic considerations that are practically universal.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Have you discussed this with her? Insisted on and gone to marriage counselling with her? Filed for divorce?


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## Megabored11 (Aug 1, 2014)

Lol. Yeah. I'm sure.


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## Megabored11 (Aug 1, 2014)

Yeah. Talked about it quite a bit. She just says she doesn't know why she is like that.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

You married her knowing the sex wasn't great. It's not like she pulled a bait and switch on you. Stay with her until the baby is 18and then if she hasn't changed to your liking divorce her. I'm sure she had terrible eating habits and smoked when you were dating here. Why was it fine then but it's not now? Once again another spouse who expects to change the spouse once they get married. If she is happy the way she is then except her the way she is.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If you go out and buy a car. The salesman informs you that it only goes 30 miles an hour. You take it for a test drive and confirm this. You buy the car anyway, becuase in all other respects it's a great car. At that point do you take to the internet and ask people how to make the car faster?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So what you need to do is go look in your phone book for a "Dr. Brown". Give him a call, and see if he's got a Delorean...

Dude, you married a woman who doesn't meet your requirements for a partner. And now you want to change her? Good luck with that. You can try the "Married Man's Sex Life Primer" and "No More Mr. Nice Guy", but I doubt they'll have much impact.

Sorry for your situation.

C


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## Megabored11 (Aug 1, 2014)

All very valid points. The sex thing definitely wasn't a surprise. I think it's just even more annoying now that she isn't very attractive anymore. It was easier to deal with when she was hot.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

I know how you feel OP. You've unfortunately discovered hindsight is a perfect science. Why on earth (or in your UFO with your abductee) did you have a child with this woman? 

I also dreaded the thought of never having good sex with a sexy partner again. I couldn't believe it had happened to me. No kids, though, and I wish I'd gotten out sooner.

Unless you're willing to endure a lovely divorce with the unfortunate baby caught in the middle, you're stuck. You have my sympathy but I don't know what else to suggest.


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## Megabored11 (Aug 1, 2014)

18 mos


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Megabored11 said:


> All very valid points. The sex thing definitely wasn't a surprise. I think it's just even more annoying now that she isn't very attractive anymore. It was easier to deal with when she was hot.


That's shallow, my husband has gained weight too since we have been married but I still love and desire him because of who is not what he looks like now.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

Megabored11 said:


> All very valid points. The sex thing definitely wasn't a surprise. I think it's just even more annoying now that she isn't very attractive anymore. It was easier to deal with when she was hot.


:lol: 

Are you for real? Was doing a HOT lump that just laid there and took it really that much better??


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Other things to consider, but require medical/psychological professionals to evaluate/treat: lingering post-partum depression, hormone imbalance, childhood sexual abuse, repressive religious upbringing.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

Lila said:


> Hey, if OP enjoys "sleeping beauty" sex, then who are we to judge?:sleeping:


I don't think he does, he says the sack of potatoes experience is 'even more annoying' now the scenery's bad.


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## Megabored11 (Aug 1, 2014)

Jetranger said:


> I don't think he does, he says the sack of potatoes experience is 'even more annoying' now the scenery's bad.





Haahahha!!!!! Exactly!


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

No More Kids!!!


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## Megabored11 (Aug 1, 2014)

Lila said:


> OP,
> 
> 
> 
> Would you be able to overlook the weight gain if your wife had more of a sex drive?





God yes! That's all I want is for her to WANT it. I guess I'm just trying to understand "why". The weight thing is just an extra annoyance.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

The good news is the hotness can get better. If she gets in shape.
That's always possible. How to get her motivated is the issue, which I shall leave to more experienced guru's to advise.

The bad news IMHO is that I think it's much harder to get her to be a high drive enthusiastic love partner. She just doesn't have it in her personality it sounds like. Never say never, but.....

It sound though like you are philosophical about all this. You married a good woman who's just boring in the sack. Could be a lot worse. Like you say, nothin's perfect. at least you have sex.
Some people don't even.

Hope you can still be happy and stay married for years to come.


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

OP, as far as the smoking and weight gain goes that is something you can focus on. Gaining weight is a sensative subject especially for women with kids so work with her on this in a gentle mannner. You say you are fit so get her to work out with you. Make is something you can do together. If she starts to lose weight tell her how great she looks etc...The smoking you can tell her now that she is a mother you would like her to cut back or whatever and make your point.

As for the sex, I am sorry if she was sexual and giving you bj's than all of a sudden stopped I would be in corner 100%. But sorry you knew the deal and accepted it. I get she is perfect in all other ways but if sex is important to you this should have been a red flag. One thing i have learned on TAM there are people that are not sexual. You can't make them what they dont want to be. So either you try to make the best on what your wife is or make the choice to get out. If not you are just going to resent her more and more and deny yourself pleasure you desire at the same time.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Megabored11 said:


> God yes! That's all I want is for her to WANT it. I guess I'm just trying to understand "why". The weight thing is just an extra annoyance.


The lack of sex and affection starts to reduce feelings of love over time, to the point you might not feel anything anymore.


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## Megabored11 (Aug 1, 2014)

Thanks all for the advice!


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If all else has failed, then maybe it's time that you sit down with her, express you frustrations and let her know that if the marriage is going to survive then there has to be changes.

Tell her what's on your mind and of course I'm sure that she has something to say also so listen to her too. 

Tell her that the both of you have to come up with a happy medium or else the marriage will fail and you don't want that but she needs to be more responsive.

If it falls on deaf ears then you either stay with the status quo or file for divorce. Maybe then she'll see that your serious. You can always cancel the divorce if you two can compromise. 

Maybe she needs to see a doctor and find out if it's a medical problem first.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Lila said:


> *OP, can't say that I sympathize with you on the crappy sex life. You knew what you were getting before you married her but decided to marry her anyways. *
> 
> Having said that, there are many people on TAM who were in a similar situation to you and were able to turn it around in their favor, so there's always hope.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Will she try counseling. Not sure it will help or not but it will be telling to her that you are seriously unhappy. If sex life won't improve are you willing to leave?


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## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

Re: "motivating" a partner to lose weight...

This one is SUPER tricky. There are probably 1 million ways to do this wrong (and end up scarring your relationship FOREVER) for every 1 way to do it right. 

I have been very lucky. I've had a couple kids, and body changes over the years, but my husband absolutely refused to say anything about it. His dad told him that "If you criticize a woman's body she will remember it for life, but forget all the nice things you've ever said." My husband follows this advice religiously and will ONLY say glowingly wonderful things, even during the times when my figure was definitely NOT glowingly wonderful. 

My sister's husband is the opposite. He blames my sister's weight gain for every problem in their marriage. Though she isn't fat, she's definitely not as hot as when she was 23, and that's a huge deal breaker for him. The only person who is more unhappy about it than he is my sister, who both feels frustrated with her inability to starve herself down to her original weight, and is also dealing with the loss of affection from her spouse, feeling unloved and rejected, and resenting him for making his love for her so conditional.

Even if you try to "delicately" broach the subject, if your wife is at all sensitive about her weight (and what American woman isn't?), she will hear criticism and rejection in your words. 

That said, I heard Dan Savage give some decent advice about this once, and it's literally the ONLY way I think you can do this without risking a blow up or some very hurt feelings. 

_"Honey, you mean the world to me, and the only thing I want from life is for us to be together long into our old age, still holding hands and sharing our lives while we watch our grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren, grow up around us. But we're going to need to help each other get there, because being and staying healthy isn't easy. You know my family has a history of [fill in the blank], and your family has a history of [fill in the blank]. We need to do the best we can to protect ourselves from these risks, so we can have as much time together as possible. Will you help me brainstorm ways we can live healthier, and encourage me to [fill in the blank]? Also, I would really love it if you would [fill in the blank] with me - it's so much better when you are there."_

In other words, make it a loving statement, about protecting each other's HEALTH, and asking her to do things with you, to encourage and support you. Ask for her input. Aim for solutions like, "working more fruits and veggies into our diet," and "going to the gym together X times a week," etc. 

Do NOT mention her weight, do NOT mention a loss of attraction to her. DO make sure she understands how important she is to you, and that you want her protected from disease or premature death, because you can't stand the thought of a life that doesn't include her. And even if you are a professional athlete and she is complete cow, make as much of your statements about yourself as you can - that either YOU or THE TWO OF YOU need help - not that SHE is the problem, or you are trying to fix her. 

Good luck!


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon all
I think the weight gain is a red herring. This is a classic low desire / high desire problem. Since she has always been LD, this is going to be really difficult to fix. It sounds like he has talked to her and she isn't interested in improving things. Since she has always been like this, the blame really isn't on her.

Unfortunately unless she is willing to change, I don't see this ending well. Counseling is probably the best option here.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

PBear said:


> So what you need to do is go look in your phone book for a "Dr. Brown". Give him a call, and see if he's got a Delorean...
> 
> Dude, you married a woman who doesn't meet your requirements for a partner. And now you want to change her? Good luck with that. You can try the "Married Man's Sex Life Primer" and "No More Mr. Nice Guy", but I doubt they'll have much impact.
> 
> ...


I agree! You cant change her, no matter how hard you try. She has to want to change


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Megabored11 said:


> 18 mos


A woman's body puts out hormones to decrease sex drive when a child is still this young. 

So maybe some hope for you in the future... 

how old is your wife?


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## Megabored11 (Aug 1, 2014)

She's 34.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Her body will adjust again in that 35 to 45 range and she may surprise you with a raging sex drive. Was she sexually abused?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Megabored11 said:


> I know, I know. I'm a shallow, terrible, selfish person. Really I am. So, any suggestions?


You're none of the above. You're just a man who settled for a woman because, and I quote, "I figured she was just about *as close to perfect as I was gonna get*."

Funny how utterly pointless "as close to perfection" is if the aspects that are missing are the ones you truly need.

Sounds like you have fundamental compatibility issues in the area of sex and physical attractiveness. Those aren't likely to be resolved as they were core differences before marriage that you accepted; not even the cold comfort of a bait and switch. 

The question is, can you live with her as she is and still keep the marriage alive and healthy? You can't change her, you can only decide what you are willing to live with.


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## CluelessWif (Jun 20, 2014)

I won't tell you that you are horrible. When my hubby and I hit a rough sexual patch everything he did irritated me. Finally I just looked at him and said "baby, this isn't doing it for me." He sighed and said "thank god, I couldn't figure out how to bring it up."

It is time for some work. If she is going to enjoy sex (and is not asexual) then you have to take some steps. 

1. Start over sexually. Ask her what, if anything, feels good or bad. Maybe she requires a lot of foreplay (I do) to get really revved. Maybe it causes pain, at which point she may need to see her OB and discuss this with them.

2. Take it slow. Go back to the wooing stage and make it all about her. Start with kisses, casual touches, sexy compliments, and slowly but surely progress forward. If she is not allowing foreplay and having sex in a position with no clitoral stimulation she will probably not orgasm. Only something like 25% of women can orgasm through vaginal stimulation alone. The more she likes it, the more she will want it.

3. Encourage her to masterbate. She doesn't even have to tell you about it, but by pleasing herself she is going to learn an internal rhythm that will help her become more responsive to you, as well as a level of comfort with her body that will translate into more confidence in bed.

For her weight, remember a couple things: wieght is hard to loose post-baby, some of us hate the gym with an absolute passion, and it is never ok to tell your wife that she is getting fat. My advice? Start a new hobby together. We started cycling to train for a vaca. Stick the kiddo in a roll behind cart thing, I don't know what they are called, and explore the world together. This turns fitness into quality time and sets an attainable goal.

Good luck!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Happilymarried25 said:


> That's shallow, my husband has gained weight too since we have been married but I still love and desire him because of who is not what he looks like now.


Visual attraction is apparently pretty high on the list for many males. My ex-husband gained a significant amount of weight over the decades but I always saw him as that handsome and ultra-fit boy I married. And some males will have the same view regarding their wives about weight gain as I did about my ex-husband. But some won't. The OP is one who won't so he needs to try to help her as much as possible to become healthy while acknowledging to himself he may not be able to.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Megabored11 said:


> The woman I fell in love with was sexy and fun... Unfortunately, the sex was never great.
> *On top of that, since the birth of our child, she's put on weight and kept it on.*


There's nothing shallow or callous about your observation. As spouses, we owe it to each other to maintain a reasonable semblance of what we offered at the beginning... a healthy approach to life, reasonable weight, non-smoking (if that's how it was at first), good hygiene, etc.

Years ago, my friend Greg, who was a major stud and ALWAYS dated hot girls, used to say this mantra over and over:

*"Inside every thin woman is a fatty waiting to get out!!!"*

Sexist? Chauvinistic? Pig? A$$hole? I don't think so. I think he was RIGHT.

Go ahead everyone, lambaste me with 2x4s... but *I happen to agree with him!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

I took his advice to heart, and ALWAYS maintained my trim figure and my physique (despite having two kids) because I never wanted to become COMPLACENT in my end of the bargain. I am 49, can still fit into my *wedding dress* (even though I'm divorced!) and I think I look better now than I did in my 20s.

Women (and men) who are married and OVERWEIGHT... get off your fat a$$es and DO something about it!!!!


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## Megabored11 (Aug 1, 2014)

Wow. I'm truly blown away from all the replies. Thanks. 

She says she has spoken to a doc about it. She also says that she cannot orgasm during sex. I understand that. I've tried talking about introducing new ideas to "help", but she wants no part of it. Now the sex was never particularly good, but she used to be more willing to do different positions and such. But like I said in my OP, it's went from bad to worse to not at all. 

I just can't understand how a person does not crave or need sex. I've had friends complain that their wives want it too much, keep them awake and stuff and I just don't know how women like that actually exist. I've never been in a relationship with a woman who was enthusiastic about sex. Maybe that's why I didn't think much of my wife being that way when I met her? 

I love her dearly but honestly, our marriage is a business relationship anymore. There is zero intimacy. Not because I dont try but because she doesn't want it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My theory about (some) LD women is they are very easily bored with sex with the same person so marriage makes things worse since the novelty is gone. So if it's not great before marriage then it's not likely to be better after marriage. 

Plus, there are LD women who will use weight as a shield (hoping their husbands will lose interest).


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## Megabored11 (Aug 1, 2014)

Openminded said:


> My theory about (some) LD women is they are very easily bored with sex with the same person so marriage makes things worse since the novelty is gone. So if it's not great before marriage then it's not likely to be better after marriage.
> 
> 
> 
> Plus, there are LD women who will use weight as a shield (hoping their husbands will lose interest).





Wow. I never thought of that. She does seem much happier when the subject is ignored.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You don't understand how someone can not crave or need sex? A LD person doesn't understand how someone can. You are worlds apart.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Megabored11 said:


> Wow. I never thought of that. She does seem much happier when the subject is ignored.


Of course she does. She's hoping you will just forget about it. Literally.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Self protection...

its why I asked about past abuse


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## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

Megabored11 said:


> I love her dearly but honestly, our marriage is a business relationship anymore. There is zero intimacy. Not because I dont try but because she doesn't want it.


This reminds me of two quotes.
"Marriage is like running a daycare with a person you used to date." and
"Marriage changes sex. All of a sudden, you're in bed with a relative."





> I just can't understand how a person does not crave or need sex.


You can. Some people do not have a sex drive, or have a very low drive. A drive is different than enjoyment. In fact, it's entirely possible for a person to have no drive while they still enjoy the physical sensations of sex.

Many things in life are pleasurable, but that doesn't mean we are driven to do them. Have you ever heard a song on the radio come on and reacted in surprise, "I love this song! I haven't thought of it in years!" The song is pleasurable to listen to, but you have no drive for it. You forgot all about it, and did not crave listening to it in the interim. Most likely, within 30 minutes you will forget all about it again, and it won't cross your mind until you happen to hear it once more. For many people, sex is like that. 

Now contrast that to eating - something we have a real, physical drive to do. Food can taste good or great or terrible, and we are still going to be driven to eat it regularly. Our brains and bodies will not let us forget, and if we don't get it when we expect to, we are likely to be very distressed. 

But now imagine that you are a new breed of biologically engineered human, one that doesn't need to eat food to survive, getting all your necessary energy and nutrients from sunlight. You might eat from time to time, because you have tastebuds and food can be pleasurable. But I bet you eat a TON less than everyone else, simply because you have no drive to eat regularly like the rest of us. You could, in fact, go months without it even crossing your mind. 

Your wife could be like that, and it's probably something you need to talk to her about. Would you, as this new engineered human, insist that your spouse NOT EAT unless you were eating too? That could be disastrous, right? Perhaps explaining it to your wife like that could open the discussion up in a helpful manner. Some possible solutions would be either opening up the marriage so you can "eat" without her, or for her to decide OUT OF LOVE to "eat" more than she wants to, because she understands your need for it.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

The only way to open her up to talk about it calmly with no self protection is to show her strong compassion with no pressure


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Megabored11 said:


> I just can't understand how a person does not crave or need sex.


I don't think it's much different than people who don't crave foods that the majority find irresistible.

For example, while I enjoy pizza I almost never crave it. I can have a dynamite pizza once or twice a year, enjoy the hell out of it, and not crave it again for another year or longer. This is actually how I feel about a lot of foods that are deemed pretty addictive. I can go years without having bread, potato chips, or pasta, to name a few, and be just fine. People who love all those foods would think I was nuts (once upon a time I was one of them).

A lot of LD people enjoy sex when they have it but don't actively crave it much.

And, of course, there are people with no desire at all.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> I took his advice to heart, and ALWAYS maintained my trim figure and my physique (despite having two kids) because I never wanted to become COMPLACENT in my end of the bargain. I am 49, can still fit into my *wedding dress* (even though I'm divorced!) and I think I look better now than I did in my 20s.
> 
> Women (and men) who are married and OVERWEIGHT... get off your fat a$$es and DO something about it!!!!


:iagree:

I still fit the suit I wore to my high school formal (prom) when I was 17. My friend who was my 'date' (platonic) hates this, she wouldn't fit into her dress.

I exercise because I enjoy it and because it keeps me feeling and looking good and healthy. It also means I can say (as you do above) DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. I'm working hard to stay slim and sexy, why can't you? I have standards for myself and for my prospective partners. Pride in my appearance and respect for my body.


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## Megabored11 (Aug 1, 2014)

Jetranger said:


> :iagree:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I love exercise as well. Always have. I've tried to get her to go to the gym with me and other activities.... Her reply is, "I hate exercise." I wish I was making that up....


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Sympathies, MB11. Somewhat the same boat here - wife is ZD and her weight has gone back up (was up before, lost a bunch, now back up). Started a running program, but now finds excuses not to go (too tired, doesn't feel good, etc etc etc). And like you, I hate myself for looking at the women at the park that have three kids and look good and mine's at home snacking before she takes a nap. 

Also like you, it's easier to overlook these things as a man if she'd want to have sex at least once a week, but sex requires too much effort - it's much easier to play on the computer.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Was she heavy when you married her?


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## SailBadTheSinner (Apr 7, 2014)

This is simple and you hold all the cards. 

Tell the entitled self-absorbed fatty that she can buff up and put out or you're outta there. If she thinks it tough to work up a little love for her hubby, ask her how tough its going to be as a single mother. 

That ought to square her right away.


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## Megabored11 (Aug 1, 2014)

ChargingCharlie said:


> Sympathies, MB11. Somewhat the same boat here - wife is ZD and her weight has gone back up (was up before, lost a bunch, now back up). Started a running program, but now finds excuses not to go (too tired, doesn't feel good, etc etc etc). And like you, I hate myself for looking at the women at the park that have three kids and look good and mine's at home snacking before she takes a nap.
> 
> 
> 
> Also like you, it's easier to overlook these things as a man if she'd want to have sex at least once a week, but sex requires too much effort - it's much easier to play on the computer.





Exactly, my friend. I couldn't agree more. I used to hear of men in our situation and I'd say, "ah, eff that man! Life's too short!" ....strangely, here I am.


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## Megabored11 (Aug 1, 2014)

SailBadTheSinner said:


> This is simple and you hold all the cards.
> 
> 
> 
> ...






Lol. I wish it were that easy, but I think I'd probably be picking my teeth up off the floor if I said that.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Telling comment for me was my wife talking about a friend of ours - probably early to mid 40's, three kids, attractive but has put on a ton of weight and doesn't seem to do anything about it (doesn't exercise, eats poorly). DW says that the friend doesn't care about her weight - she's perfectly content being who she is. Part of me admires her for this, the man in me says if she lost about 40 lbs, she'd be really attractive. 

I bring this is because it's my wife that's telling me this, and I'm wondering if she's thinking the same thing as the friend about her weight - she says she wants to lose weight, but I wonder.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I think anyone can become dissatisfied with their spouse when comparing them with other people. There will ALWAYS be someone hotter out there and as we age and get illnesses a whole new level of perspective must be gained. Can peeking into another world bring perspective, sure, but it takes the right spirit. If you have a wandering heart, that is destructive. If you want the best for your wife, that's constructive. What is the best most loving thing to do for your wife? 

When the day comes that someone like Shania Twain isn't cheated on I will believe that weight is a bigger issue than it is.

What do you love about your wife...


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Megabored11 said:


> So my wife and I have been together for about three years, married for one. The woman I fell in love with was sexy and fun. *Unfortunately, the sex was never great*. Over the past three years it's went from bad to worse to virtually non existent. We've literally gone months without doing it.
> 
> *Again, this has been a problem from the beginning. I decided to marry her because everything else is perfect. We make an awesome team, have similar goals and values, and we communicate well (sometimes).* I'm very aware that finding the perfect woman is never going to happen and that there has to be a give and take. After much thought and weighing the good and the bad, I figured she was just about as close to perfect as I was gonna get.
> 
> ...


Mega,

This is a common issue we see here a lot. The problem here is that YOU CHOOSE this. The bolded parts above show this. 

You KNEW she wasn't a good sexual match for you. But you knew she was a good match for you in many other ways.

So you still married her, and now you are complaining that 

*{GASP}*​
She is EXACTLY the person she was before you married her !!

What exactly were you expecting ?

So here are your options :

1) Except the fact that your W is dull in the sack but otherwise a good wife and person (as she was before marriage)

2) Divorce her and seek a new life with someone else who you more sexually compatible with

3) Don't take the weak way out and cheat.


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## Megabored11 (Aug 1, 2014)

Well I've definitely thought about cheating. But It wouldn't be fair to her. Besides, I don't exactly have women beating the door down to talk to me. Not to mention I'd get caught.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

This is the mother of your child, you are married less than a year and you've already considered cheating? How old are you? How old is she? What did she weigh when you met and how much now?


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## SailBadTheSinner (Apr 7, 2014)

Okay...so maybe I'm just an old reprobate, but back in the day I had a sign on the dashboard of my car; "A$$, grass or cash. Put out or get out. Nobody rides for free." Your little porcine petunia is getting a free ride. 

Can't really see thru the computer screen and I'm guessing here; but, would you mind going into the bathroom and looking in the mirror? Does that say "WELCOME" across your forehead? I'm thinking doormat. Especially when you say she'd knock you around if you stood up for your husbandly self.


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## Megabored11 (Aug 1, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> This is the mother of your child, you are married less than a year and you've already considered cheating? How old are you? How old is she? What did she weigh when you met and how much now?



I'm 36, she's 34. And again, the weight isn't the main issue. Just icing on the cake....


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Megabored11 said:


> I love exercise as well. Always have. I've tried to get her to go to the gym with me and other activities.... Her reply is, "I hate exercise." I wish I was making that up....


And exercise is only about 20%, at best, of weight loss. Eating under your TDEE (total daily energy expenditure) is the bulk of fat loss. A person can not do any exercise outside of their normal movements and still lose.

She, like most overweight to obese people, is full of excuses. And this is why most don't lose weight, and the overwhelming majority who do gain it back. It's a tough road to travel, one most people fail miserably at.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Megabored11 said:


> I'm 36, she's 34. And again, the weight isn't the main issue. Just icing on the cake....


So the main issue is? My libido changed drastically after a child... My husband struggled too.. He realized the important things.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

We dont even know how much weight here...


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

What will you do if she loses a part if her body to illness? What about building a family around your child? I'm hearing commitment issues here.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Megabored11 said:


> So my wife and I have been together for about three years, married for one. The woman I fell in love with was sexy and fun. Unfortunately, the sex was never great. Over the past three years it's went from bad to worse to virtually non existent. We've literally gone months without doing it.
> 
> Again, this has been a problem from the beginning. I decided to marry her because everything else is perfect. We make an awesome team, have similar goals and values, and we communicate well (sometimes). I'm very aware that finding the perfect woman is never going to happen and that there has to be a give and take. After much thought and weighing the good and the bad, I figured she was just about as close to perfect as I was gonna get.
> 
> ...


Hey buddy,

I think perfect would've been that your sex needs were more than met, but perhaps she had a great personality and loyalty but she didn't look as hot as you thought the "one" would look.

That would be ideal.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

treyvion said:


> Hey buddy,
> 
> I think perfect would've been that your sex needs were more than met, but perhaps she had a great personality and loyalty but she didn't look as hot as you thought the "one" would look.
> 
> That would be ideal.


You, my friend are very wise...


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## Megabored11 (Aug 1, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> What will you do if she loses a part if her body to illness? What about building a family around your child? I'm hearing commitment issues here.




Holy cow....I'm talking about being unhappy because she won't give me a damn BJ here...not about whether or not she'll become paraplegic or catch the Ebola virus....


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Megabored11 said:


> Holy cow....I'm talking about being unhappy because she won't give me a damn BJ here...not about whether or not she'll become paraplegic or catch the Ebola virus....


Your funny, welcome to TAM.....


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Megabored11 said:


> Holy cow....I'm talking about being unhappy because she won't give me a damn BJ here...not about whether or not she'll become paraplegic or catch the Ebola virus....


Well Darlin' I know couples personally who went through just that and not much older than you... 39, 45, 44, 49, 33

All dead except one... And she is a two time cancer survivor missing one boob. Almost had permanent colostomy bag, but by the grace if God didnt. At 45 she us cancer free and gorgeous. Her husband worships the ground she walks on. Whats your excuse? Sounds like someone needs to man up and learn to love his wife. YOU picked her.


So yes we are talking about real commitment.


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## Megabored11 (Aug 1, 2014)

Personal said:


> Lets see; sloppy, boring, and your worth as a man rests on wether you can put your penis in your wife's mouth.



...sensing much sarcasm....


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I also know a guy who took three bullets for his girl friend even though she still later died... 

I dont think marriage comes with a guaranteed BJ requirement... Feels like nitpickin...

I just think your perspective and patience needs work


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## Megabored11 (Aug 1, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Well Darlin' I know couples personally who went through just that and not much older than you... 39, 45, 44, 49, 33
> 
> All dead except one... And she is a two time cancer survivor missing one boob. Almost had permanent colostomy bag, but by the grace if God didnt. At 45 she us cancer free and gorgeous. Her husband worships the ground she walks on. Whats your excuse? Sounds like someone needs to man up and learn to love his wife. YOU picked her.
> 
> ...





Never really thought about it like that. That definitely puts things into perspective. My complaints are pretty petty, huh?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Megabored11 said:


> Never really thought about it like that. That definitely puts things into perspective. My complaints are pretty petty, huh?


They can be yes... I bring the shock value ONLY for the purpose of encouraging you to check yourself before bailing on the one you chose as the love of your life. I have seen many things in my life and sex isnt everything... take that from a from a former HD. That great companionship will carry you further than sex ever will, so in your case I encourage deep thought about why she is that way and research ways to open her flower.


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## Megabored11 (Aug 1, 2014)

Thank you for your thoughts. I appreciate it.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Put some decent time into finding a way around it with compassion. She is in there somewhere.. give her body time to adjust... 18 months post baby is nothing. The birth of my son almost took my life and my body has permanent damage. Would I turn back the clock... Never. Just dont rush. Dont be destructive. Take your time, do things right.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

All those stories are true by the way...


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## SailBadTheSinner (Apr 7, 2014)

What a load of BS. Your wife doesn't have some dread disease, unless putting too much food in her mouth is a disease now. She's making the choice to make herself fat, unpleasing and since she's a smoker, unhealthier. 

Moreover, when asked about the lack of affection and why she's getting fat, she says she "just doesn't know." Sorry, that's not good enough, not by half. I'm thinking she wants to get fat so she won't have to deal with any pesky sex initiation from you. The ultimate advance rejection. 

You're not shallow. You just want a healthy marriage. But stay around for a couple years and get used like a dishrag and and she'll ring every last bit of self-respect, desire and spirit out of you. Look down the road 3 years or 5 years. They'll only get worst and the obligations will only get greater. 

Go see a lawyer. Tell her you have and that she straightens out or your outta here. Everyone deserves happiness.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> What will you do if she loses a part if her body to illness? What about building a family around your child? I'm hearing commitment issues here.


Which issues? Being committed to sexless marriage? Not only is that not realistic for a young couple, it doesn't sound like much of a marriage either.



Blossom Leigh said:


> I dont think marriage comes with a guaranteed BJ requirement... Feels like nitpickin...


You are deliberately trying to minimize this by framing it into the most crude way possible. The issue isn't the BJs. It's the face that the wife doesn't show any enthusiasm for sex, which in itself is a turn-off for most people. 




Blossom Leigh said:


> They can be yes... I bring the shock value ONLY for the purpose of encouraging you to check yourself before bailing on the one you chose as the love of your life. I have seen many things in my life and sex isnt everything... take that from a from a former HD. That great companionship will carry you further than sex ever will,


I disagree. If he could get by on love and companionship without sex, then why would he married? He could get the same from his mother, sister, or best friend. Sex is one of the major defining factors that sets marriage apart from those other relationships. 



> _so in your case I encourage deep thought about why she is that way and research ways to open her flower._


I do agree with you here, at least that he should research the problem. But if she's asexual, there is no "opening her flower". It would be no different than a gay man hoping to "open the flower" of a straight man.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I was recommending him to dig deeper first before bailing. Sexual appetites fluctuate and since there are other strengths to their relationship, he needs to get his eyes off the other women for a season and explore the why a bit deeper.

Was she sexually assaulted and hasnt told him
Is there a medical issue
Is this her first marriage or did she have a previous H who shamed her in sex
Does she battle depression
What meds is she on that could cause issues
Did HE shut her down the rest of the way sexually and if so how cam he reverse that.

My Grandpa always told me it takes at least 4 years to master any job. And this isnt a job, its the heart and soul of his bride with complex body systems intrlinked with that heart's emotions. Plus their child... What about their child growing up with two Dad's. "Dad, why did you leave Mommie?" "Because she sucked in bed junior". This is no longer about just him. 

Sex is extremely important, but it needs healthy perspective in long term commitment because it does ebb and flow.

We are actually in agreement Theseus. I am not advocating commitment to sexless marriage. I myself would struggle deeply with that and have. My advocacy is centered on not bailing too fast and to self assess his motives first.

Explore your why on her side and your side well ..

I still havent heard an answer to how much weight

Also, was she a sack of potatoes in bed when yall first met, or did she evolve to that over time...

Also.. marriages before on either side?

Have you been solicited by someone else?

Is she an introvert?

One thing that will be important is her willingness to face this issue, but do her a favor by being reasonable about it in perspective and patience. Looking at the other women and getting pissed isnt going to help you do that. Pause that for a while so you dont compromise your patience with her and making it harder on you to cope.

You know, at some point in time it may serve both of you to sit down and say "wife, this is a deep struggle for me and I need you to partner with me on exploring resolution in our sex life. Lets partner for six months, a year, two years on (pick your favorite) after that if we cant find resolution we can choose whether to go our separate ways or not"

Wonder what she thinks of your sex life.. if she was sexy and fun when you met, what changed and when did the "laying on her side only" happen. Pre or post baby?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Blossom... really? Just really? :scratchhead:

Let's think of a few more problems she MIGHT have. Maybe she failed algebra in eighth grade and THAT's causing her a lot of stress.

Maybe she liked some dude in high school who didn't like her back and its scarred her for life.

Maybe she got fired from her first job and feels bad about it.

C'mon... this has NOTHING to do with paraplegia, cancer or getting shot.

OP's wife is overweight, smokes, lazy and doesn't want to have sex. She needs to lose weight, stop smoking, get motivated, and visit a counselor about her sexual hangups.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

There is the idealist view, and the realist view at the two extremes. Taking ideas from both and blending as appropriate may work best. Your own attitudes and philosophy will determine how you mix them, or which way you lean.


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## Megabored11 (Aug 1, 2014)

Again, I want to thank ALL of you for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it and I'm taking much into consideration.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Megabored;

You are a good sport. You'll get beat up a bit here, but at the end of the day(s) you get lots of comment. You've now seen all kinds of advice and comment across the board. Every perspective it seems.

I hope you can somehow get bj's back on the table since you like them so much. Maybe your wife can open up to them somehow.
Maybe by exchanging favors? 

Good luck to you, hope you can make it work, see the glass 3/4 full and still get a decent sex life.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Blossom... really? Just really? :scratchhead:
> 
> Let's think of a few more problems she MIGHT have. Maybe she failed algebra in eighth grade and THAT's causing her a lot of stress.
> 
> ...


That was HIS description... What is reality


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Wait, so because some people have cancer, and everybody eventually dies, that means people should just suck it up and go without in their marriages?

Again it's the "eat everything on your plate because some kids in Africa are starving" logical fallacy. 

At this rate if you're not making enough money to cover your basic bills you might as well just deal with it, you know, because some people don't have any money at all.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Some here just are not getting my point.

Since OP described great companionship (perfect - his words) to really dig deep and take a season to make sure there is no resolution on the sex end before letting that go BECAUSE I have personally seen that be super important when hard times like illness hits. 

I have already said I am not advocating staying in a sexless marriage. I would appreciate not being mischaracterized as doing so.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Happilymarried25 said:


> You married her knowing the sex wasn't great. It's not like she pulled a bait and switch on you.



it sounds like you compromised on the best woman you thought you deserved. Now after 3 years she is dropping even further in sex rank, and you are questioning your decision.

well, you did choose her knowing her faults. A LOT of women let themselves go after the first child. There should be a warning label or something on the wedding cake side!

I guess you have to either live with this dismal existence (porn is your friend), divorcer her, or work on your mutual sex life. 

It does not sound like you are the type of guy where sex is his primal driving force, or you would not have married her in the first place. So figure out what minimal level of sex you need to get along. Sit her down and discuss I with her....see if she understands your minimal needs and agrees to meet them.

some good lingerie will go a long way to help her hide her overweight issues. They make these stretchy mesh body suits that can fit any woman. and the lingerie may make her missionary position sex seem more erotic to you. also there are various toys and vibrators that can be used during PIV sex that can enhance to act. 

Of course, loosing weight would be a boon, but she is going to have to want to do that. If she does the food shopping, you are going to be SOL. if you shop, do not buy any junk food, no sodas, ice cream, cookies, chips, white bread, white rice, spuds. Lots of veggies and fruits, not too much meat, only good fats. That might reverse the weight gain a little.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Megabored11 said:


> Unfortunately, the sex was never great...


First clue that you probably shouldn't have married her.



Megabored11 said:


> I decided to marry her because everything else is perfect.


So you ignored the attraction-factor and the "chemistry" factor, and basically used the nice-girl "checklist" instead. Here's your list:


We make an awesome team
We have similar goals and values
We communicate well (sometimes).

Actually, when you examine your list and the reasons you married her, they aren't all that compelling.



Megabored11 said:


> I'm very aware that finding the perfect woman is never going to happen and that there has to be a give and take.


You're correct, there is no such thing as the "perfect" woman, but you can come a h*ll of a lot closer to your ideal than what you have right now.



Megabored11 said:


> When we actually do have sex, she lays there. Literally. The ONLY way she lets me do it is with her laying on her side with me behind her. Her getting on top or anything else is not gonna happen. *She lays there motionless. *


This sounds horrid.

On top of everything else, she's gained weight, smokes, and won't do anything about it. 

You are correct, you aren't getting any younger. Ask yourself, what is keeping you with this person (besides your kids)? Because it doesn't sound like you are very happy. Is this the way you want to spend the rest of your life? You have the power to change your circumstance by making some tough decisions. Are you willing to make them, or just slog away for another 20 years before you finally (very likely) end up divorced anyway? Marriages like this one usually fail because you don't have the glue of intimacy holding it together.


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## Megabored11 (Aug 1, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> It does not sound like you are the type of guy where sex is his primal driving force, or you would not have married her in the first place.



It's funny you say this because whenever I bring the topic up to her, she says, "all you care about is sex."

I tell her in return that if sex was all I cared about I certainly wouldn't be with her.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

She could be projecting/blameshifting

Or

You are coming across that way


Do you have a feel for which one it could be?


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## Megabored11 (Aug 1, 2014)

I'm no expert but if I had to guess I'd say blame shifting.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Megabored11 said:


> I'm no expert but if I had to guess I'd say blame shifting.


Have you ever suspected past abuse she kept silent on?


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## Megabored11 (Aug 1, 2014)

I don't know. What does bother me though is that I've seen pictures of her out partying with her friends only a month or so before her and I started dating. She dressed sexy and liked to have fun. It felt like she changed into this super conservative person once we started dating.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Megabored11 said:


> I don't know. What does bother me though is that I've seen pictures of her out partying with her friends only a month or so before her and I started dating. She dressed sexy and liked to have fun. It felt like she changed into this super conservative person once we started dating.


Have you been able to ask her why the change?


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## Megabored11 (Aug 1, 2014)

She says she doesn't know. (Pretty much her fall back response to everything)


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

Megabored11 said:


> I don't know. What does bother me though is that I've seen pictures of her out partying with her friends only a month or so before her and I started dating. She dressed sexy and liked to have fun. It felt like she changed into this super conservative person once we started dating.


Wow, that's similar to me. I liked my ex because she was very physical, rambunctious and liked to enjoy herself. No, really, before we were even officially going out most of our time together we'd be wrestling. On the night I met her she was wearing a black coat, black ensemble and knee-high black boots.

Once we were going out, she gradually softened and the physicality passed (I didn't mind because the makeouts and sex were still forthcoming) but eventually that side of her was gone. 

I don't now if it was all a front she no longer had to keep up once she'd landed a guy, or aging, or what, but it sure was weird.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Megabored11 said:


> She says she doesn't know. (Pretty much her fall back response to everything)


Two of the things I had to determine about my H was did he have the capacity to make changes and was he willing.

If she is locking down on everything you will be dead in the water on progress. Once I determined my H had the capacity it made it easier to accept gis willingness. Once he was willing his capacity kicked into high gear and his changes have come fast.

I would tell her that answer is no longer acceptable if she expects you to stay in the house. If she cant give you more to go on by a certain date tell her you are separating. Locking down info like that is not ok.


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

Happilymarried25 said:


> *That's shallow*, my husband has gained weight too since we have been married but I still love and desire him because of who is not what he looks like now.


That's your opinion. I disagree. If my wife chooses to get fat, I do not expect to remain sexually attracted to her. I've never been attracted to fat women.


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

Oh, you're so terrible! You expect people to make an effort to.. ya know.. take care of their bodies? 

-seahorse




Jetranger said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I still fit the suit I wore to my high school formal (prom) when I was 17. My friend who was my 'date' (platonic) hates this, she wouldn't fit into her dress.
> 
> I exercise because I enjoy it and because it keeps me feeling and looking good and healthy. It also means I can say (as you do above) DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. I'm working hard to stay slim and sexy, why can't you? I have standards for myself and for my prospective partners. Pride in my appearance and respect for my body.


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