# Giving up control in a marriage



## Progress (Dec 2, 2015)

Hello. I have been married for ten years. We have kids together and have many ties as expected at this point in our relationship. Things have always been slightly dysfunctional in regards to differing morals, parenting, families, etc... we had kids prior to marriage so our future was not well thought out. Anyway, part of our problem at this point comes down to my need for control. We have been arguing a lot lately over the same old issues. The arguments get pretty intense to where much of the focus became about my husband getting out of control. The unfortunate part is that I share responibility in the current state of things and I need to own up to this. I am finding it difficult to let go of control, which mainly pertains to the kids and how they are raised and who is part of their lives. I am not sure if I might have deeper undiagnosed issues surrounding rejection and abandonment that have not been discovered. How can I come to terms with letting go of control and owning up to my mistakes that have affected so many of my close relationships? I feel like I will have to completely take a 360 and I am finding it very difficult to initiate the change. Anyway, I am hoping that just getting this out and in the open is a step in the right direction.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

A couple of things come to mind. The first is that we really can't control our lives or those in it - to think we can is delusional. Often, what we think of as control leads to consequences that are opposed to what we desire. 

Take your kids, for example. You can impose your will, but eventually they could rebel and do exactly what you are hoping to avoid. Instead, if you set standards that are rational and can explain *why* you are setting those standards (assuming they are old enough to understand, of course) and the reasonable consequences if they don't observe them, the kids will make their own decisions based on understanding of your reasoning, and knowing what the consequences may be.

When you control them, they learn nothing but frustration and resistance. When you teach them, they control themselves. Better outcome for everyone.

Anyway, it sounds like you've made a big, positive first step to figuring out a better way to do things, so I wish you luck and success in this journey.


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## Progress (Dec 2, 2015)

Thank you for your thoughts Married and Happy. With that name you are definitely who I need to hear from!
The last thing I would want is to cause problems for my kids and how they learn to interact in their future relationships. I need to let my husband share more in the responsibility of decisions involving the kids. He has the desire to do this and I should be happy and allow that to happen, even when I don't always agree with his methods. Thanks again for your message.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Progress said:


> Thank you for your thoughts Married and Happy. With that name you are definitely who I need to hear from!
> The last thing I would want is to cause problems for my kids and how they learn to interact in their future relationships. I need to let my husband share more in the responsibility of decisions involving the kids. He has the desire to do this and I should be happy and allow that to happen, even when I don't always agree with his methods. Thanks again for your message.


Could you give some examples?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Do you have any trauma history? Were either/both of your parents alcoholic or drug addicted? Do you see your parents having had the same kind of dysfunctional relationship you now have?

I think a psychologist is the right person to help you. Via your or your husband's job you likely have free and completely confidential access to therapists via the Employee Assistance Program (EAP). That would be an easy place to start.


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## Progress (Dec 2, 2015)

Examples of how I control stemmed from the moment we had kids! I think I feared being rejected and abandoned due to poor self esteem, which is not an excuse, but a reaction I unfortunately clung to. I would decide where we lived, who watched the kids (leaving in-laws out which is a whole other gigantic issue!). My H was fairly hands off with the kids interactions & decision making surrounding the kids partly by choice & also to avoid conflict. Also according to my H he thinks I control our love life, finances and basically just the lack of discussing family matters to make sure we are on the same page. I don't entirely agree with the love & $ control, but just to give insight on what we struggle with. Since we had kids prior to marriage, I guess I have some resentment on the contract of marriage we vowed to. I feel it was in many ways done for the kids instead of what a marriage ideally would be based on. Now just dealing with the consequences


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## Progress (Dec 2, 2015)

Thanks for your message Thor. Unfortunately there is alcoholism in my family. My parents relationship was overall good/stable, but we did not discuss difficult issues much. They were swept away under the good ol rug
I have been doing marriage counseling for many moons and also get individual help. Still stuck in the same rut, but hoping for growth.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Progress just asking these questions sets you on the path to letting go. So keep asking yourself "is this something on which I should practice letting go?" Maybe even ask your husband out loud and talk out your answers to each other.

At some point you will have to bite the bullet and white knuckle yourself through letting go on somethings. Letting go means both the process AND the result. Start small, like how the dishwasher gets loaded or something else that's pretty insignificant.

But when it comes to raising the kids, that is super tough to do especially if you don't TRUST your husband's judgment. Do you trust his judgment? If you do, then letting him make decisions as well might go easier if you remind yourself that he is a good guy, smart man, loves our kids as much as I do so I'm going to DECIDE to trust him on this. 

Trust is a decision. Trust is when you allow someone else to control something and you follow their lead. Trust is like faith, it doesn't come naturally to some of us and against all reason we have to decide to have it.

If you don't trust your husband, you must do some deep digging and soul searching to understand why this is so and is this a rational aspect of your relationship.

Keep posting!


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## Progress (Dec 2, 2015)

Thank you for your perspective and encouragement. I have debated on joining a forum for a long time because I have a hard time opening up. I have very few friends because I fear intimacy and when I talk with family there ends up being too much drama and hard feelings. I am very glad to have reached out and happy about what I am finding! I look forward to working on letting go as you mentioned and learning to trust.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Progress said:


> Thank you for your perspective and encouragement. I have debated on joining a forum for a long time because I have a hard time opening up. I have very few friends because *I fear intimacy *and when I talk with family there ends up being too much drama and hard feelings. I am very glad to have reached out and happy about what I am finding! I look forward to working on letting go as you mentioned and learning to trust.


Is your fear of intimacy also why you can't open up and discuss things with your husband and ask for his opinions before taking control or making a decision? Try it. The more often you do it, the easier and more natural it feels.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Progress said:


> Thanks for your message Thor. Unfortunately there is alcoholism in my family. My parents relationship was overall good/stable, but we did not discuss difficult issues much. They were swept away under the good ol rug
> I have been doing marriage counseling for many moons and also get individual help. Still stuck in the same rut, but hoping for growth.


My father is the child of an alcoholic mother. He is extremely controlling, and has other behaviors and attitudes consistent with being the adult child of an alcoholic. I presume your counselor is aware of your family history and has some expertise in that area. If not, seek another counselor.

One thing I see with my dad is an inability to see others' positions as valid. That is, he sees a situation in a certain way and doesn't admit there is any room for alternative views. For example, he likes living in a certain kind of place, so he sees other kinds of places as _deficient_ and the people that like those places as _wrong_. Anon Pink brought up the dishwasher as a good example of where you can give up control. BTW my wife has exactly the same kinds of extreme control needs, but hers is due to at least in large part to child sexual abuse (though her mom is an alcoholic).

Does it really matter how the dishwasher is loaded? Others may do it in a way that is somehow less efficient or not as logical as you would do it, but as long as the dishes get clean _it really doesn't matter how it is loaded or what cycle it is run on_.

Apply that concept to other issues. Whether it is something to do with the kids, finances, or your relationship with your husband.

Instead of requiring the outcome you prefer, be willing to accept an outcome which is different. In fact, let go of an attachment to outcome. You can't control outcomes anyway. So stop focusing on the outcomes.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Progress,
It's a huge positive step to begin to express your views and challenges. Sometimes writing clarifies ones thinking. 

Perhaps you might categorize the areas that cause the most conflict and for each one give an example where you feel very strongly your approach is the 'right one' and a second example where you have a strong preference but recognize that there might be an alternative that isn't actually harmful. 

I'll share an example of a familial situation that was painfully tense and in my view unnecessarily so. 

We rented a big house for a family vacation. Me and my two sisters families. Three married couples and 11 children ranging from 5 to 20 years old. 

There was a lot of friction between my two sisters over food. For context none of our kids have weight issues or special dietetic needs. 

S1 doesn't let her kids eat sugary cereals or pop tarts. So she didn't want S2 to allow S2's kids to eat that 'in front of them'.

Here's the thing. They are both excellent mothers. And I actually believe S1 is doing a great job teaching her kids to eat healthy. 

I ALSO believe the world won't end if she lightens up for a week and tells them that - they can have the fun stuff just this one week because they are at an extended family gathering. 

Alternatively she can tell them that her sister does things differently and that's just life. They are going to eat the same healthy food they do at home. 

But that wasn't her approach. Instead it was: my kids will feel bad if they see your kids eating pop tarts. So tell YOUR KIDS they have to eat like MY KIDS for that week. 

I firmly believe that this 'my way or the highway' approach to life is a big reason that S1 is now divorced. 

Having high standards is good. Being rigid - not so good. 





Progress said:


> Thank you for your perspective and encouragement. I have debated on joining a forum for a long time because I have a hard time opening up. I have very few friends because I fear intimacy and when I talk with family there ends up being too much drama and hard feelings. I am very glad to have reached out and happy about what I am finding! I look forward to working on letting go as you mentioned and learning to trust.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MEM you described one of the most tension filled issues in big family vacations. How people raise their kids is their business but when all of those different methods, or lack thereof, get tossed into one house friction is gonna fly!

My biggest issue on that front was that I would not let my kids watch TV on vacation unless it was raining. While my brothers kids had free reign, not to mention total control,of the TV. I had to bend a little and look the other way for a time, but then turned off the TV and shooed them all outside! Such a mean aunt!


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