# Open marriage



## bellajane1231 (Mar 23, 2014)

I've been with my husband for 11 years. Married for 5. We have three children, and after the last one I got my tubes tied.
About 3 years ago my husband brought up us being in a open marriage. Prior to this he has cheated more than once. I'm weak I guess to let someone treat me that way and continue to stay. 

We started dating when I was 15 and he was 19, but that's beside the point. I'm here to ask advice. My husband won't go to marriage therapy because he thinks it's "stupid" but I'm not happy. He goes out every Sunday chasing tail whether he gets it or not I don't know but I feel like I've been pushed into a corner and made to accept this. I find it really hard to walk away or muster up the courage to leave. And at the same time i feel brainwashed into thinking this is ok. But I know it's not, it's destroying me emotionally. I can't talk to him about it without being called a baby or a crazy b word. 

He does things here and there to maybe try to make me feel special I guess. But I'm feeling very controlled and lost. I just don't know what to do and to what end.


Advice?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I suggest you tell your husband you are going out and after your date you will call himto let him know when you will be home.

Sure this might be all bullcrap but I think you need to give your husband a taste of his own medicine.

I think once you call him on this open marriage crap and you start going out more then him (even if its with a friend) he might change his tune.

So give it a shot and see what happens.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I mean it's pretty clear you aren't going to leave him so you may as well phuck with his head!


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## bellajane1231 (Mar 23, 2014)

Been there done that. It doesn't change home doing what he wants. Me going out and giving him a taste of what he does sure he gets upset but it always ends the same.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

What is your husband doing that is positive that you want to stay with him? More importantly - do you want your children to group up feeling that "open marriage" in which both partners don't agree - IE he's a repeated cheater is the norm?

This isn't okay, it's abusive, and you need to walk away from this. But don't sink to his level - call a lawyer and find out your rights. He's shown you his cards - he's not going to stop cheating, so you can either drive yourself crazy subjugating your intelligence to accept his BS or you can use it to stop the insanity.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Have you heard of the 180?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You really need to focus on your self, start working on your self and your old man can go phuck him self...he is a cheating POS.

Your first order of business is to get checked for STD's. Then find a good counselor that can help you guild you out of this crappy marriage.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your old man has your number, you ain't going any were!!!

The sooner you get your old man to start thinking that he is about to lose you through your confident actions the sooner he will start to second guess his choices.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

the guy said:


> *Have you heard of the 180?*



Here is a thread I found on google with the list spelled out 


> Plan A vs. 180 Plan - Marriage Builders® Forums
> 
> 180
> 
> ...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

bellajane1231 said:


> but it always ends the same.


How do you mean?


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## bellajane1231 (Mar 23, 2014)

It always ends the same as he gets his cake and eats it too. He's put me in a crappy place. I have no job currently because I have no dependable childcare. I'm going to school at night. Financially he's in control.


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## bellajane1231 (Mar 23, 2014)

Is the 180 a book?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

bellajane1231 said:


> Is the 180 a book?


See post #9.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

So...I think the answer is pretty obvious, but do you want an open marriage or not? If you don't and he does, you are sexually incompatible. So, you need to start preparing yourself for divorce. Just start making plans to set yourself up financially. You might not be able to support yourself financially for a while, but plan and take steps for that possibility. 

You aren't going to be able to convince him to stop.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

bellajane1231 said:


> Financially he's in control.


For now!


Read Post #9

It will help you get emotional control back..... it will prevent him from making you feel like crap.

For now get emotional control over your self, go see the school shrink and set up some counseling.

And go check out the student health center you might find some resources to help you.


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## bellajane1231 (Mar 23, 2014)

Thank you but I'm in beauty school not like a normal college. I will read post number 9 and do all of what it says


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

He does not love or respect you.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Just to be clear about what you are saying:


He says he wants an open marriage because he loves you but also wants to chase other women ?

In any case, he is cheating and you accept it ? Does he still have sex with you ? Is this not dangerous to say the least and also highly disrespectful ?

You have also stepped out (slept with other men) but he doesn't care ?

You stay because you need him financially ? The kids ?

Are you still in love with him ? Do you still find him attractive after the very unattractive things that he has done to you ?

I take it that you don't want an open marriage ?

While everyone is asking why you are still with him (and I agree with their question), I am also asking why is he still with you ? Because of the kids ? Still loves you ? This is not clear to me.

You need to work on yourself because you need to look at this as taking a small dose of poison everyday. Eventually it will eat at your very soul and destroy you mentally and physically.

Ignore him and get your ducks in a row. First of all do the 180 to heal yourself and help you ignore him so that he hurts you less each time (think of it as negating or slowing down the effects of the poison he is giving you).

Consult an attorney (free consultation for the first half hour I think) to understand what your rights are and what you can get out of him if you divorce including custody rights etc.

Make sure that you are taking care of yourself physically and are keeping fit and staying attractive.

Start some kind of education program (or continue with it if you are already in one) so that you can become self-sufficient financially asap.

Depending on your answers to my above questions, I would say that this marriage is over. Now its a question of you getting out with your mind, body, kids and finances in tact.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon bellajane1231
Open marriages rarely work - I'm not saying NEVER, but its rare. They need both people to be jealousy free. You are not happy with the idea, so you should not do it. 

He is basically cheating on you because he knows you are trapped and can't leave. The only way to change that is to fix the power dynamic, to get your life into a situation where you can leave if you want to.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

You're only trapped if you allow yourself to be.

Find a co-op that you can trade days between working and volunteering for free babysitting. Accelerate your training and learn the most you can in the shortest amount of time possible. Again, volunteer to cut hair, do holiday make up and nails for friends and/or relatives to gain experience. This time of year, there's plenty of holiday bazaars that are free to low cost to set up a booth.

Get yourself in the best financial/emotional position and pull the plug on this marriage.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Hide your hand on how you are improving your life. 

Do whatever i it takes to improve yourself and seek the independence you need to leave.

Him blatantly ignoring your emotions, and dismissing you like that shows signs of issues with him.

He is lacking empathy towards you. 

Is he charming, confident, and when around others is highly sociable?

Does he not see the harm he causes you and can't relate?

He sounds like a narcissist, but who knows to what degree.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP:
I know people can get into very bad relationships they feel they can't get out of. but I think you married someone that simply is not 'marriage material' - as the saying goes. whatever is going through his head - it isn't love for you. If you want a genuine, loving monogamous marriage you need to fire the unqualified (him) and hire someone who is.

I know its distressing to contemplate the ultimate solution when marriage problems like this come up. but we shouldn't kid ourselves, when our families or marriages are seriously disfunctional - as yours is - only serious solutions will work. sorry your in this situation....


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## bellajane1231 (Mar 23, 2014)

Thank you all for the reply. It's really helping a lot.


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## HopeAlways (Apr 29, 2012)

Didn't read the replies to the OP, so just bear with me.

From someone that was in an "open marriage"....both of you have to want it. You have to want to live it 100% or trust me....you are not going to be happy...EVER. 

You say he had cheated on you before bringing any of this up, so honestly, you need to realize that he is looking for a way to make his cheating ok, and the only way to do that is to get your approval. 

You need to ask yourself, What am I getting out of this? Its obvious what he is getting out of it, but are you truly interested in pursuing a polyamorous lifestyle? Do you desire to have multiple relationships with others that are not your husband? 

If you can't answer yes to both of those questions...I'm going to tell you what I wish someone told me years ago...DO NOT DO IT!! Do not let your husband think this is OK, and do not let him believe that your marriage is open...not at all. You can't give any leeway on this. Do not "fake it 'til you make it". If you don't want it now...believe you won't want it later either.

In my marriage, I was the one to bring it up. And not because I wanted some side action, but because I thought it would fulfill the needs for my husband that I knew I wasn't filling. I thought he would go out, get what he needed, and then come home so we could play "happy family" again. It didn't work. I also went out and tried dating. I had a couple of 1 night stands, and they were meaningless and less then pleasurable. so I stopped. 

Problem was...he didn't stop. He didn't believe he should have to just because I was "insecure" as he put it. I wasn't insecure, I just didn't want it. 

Trying to close up the relationship again proved impossible. We made some changes (moved 3 hours away, new jobs, etc) over the last couple of years of the marriage, but things never got better. new place, same actions. Things finally ended for us in June 2013.

All I can say is this: If you want to save your marriage, you need to go to counceling, with or without your husband. He might say its stupid, but if he cares about your marriage, he will go...for you. If he doesn't go, you still should, because it is a great way to finally figure out either A) how you can accept his cheating and live with it, of B) help you figure out how to end your marriage. 

I hate to sound harsh, but I've kind of been where you are. I can promise you that those are the only options if he refuses marriage counselling. Calling it an "open marriage" when its not what you want does NOT make it an open marriage...unless you don't tell him how you feel.

I'm not blaming you for anything. I know what its like to want to try anything to make things work...any way you can, but you need to be happy, and I don't know you, but I do know that you DESERVE a healthy marriage and a happy life. Sometimes its hard to see that when you are in the middle of it, but it is what we all deserve. Sometimes the road to that is hard, but believe me, if you are living the choices that YOU make, and not just the ones that he makes, you will be good no matter what.


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