# Husband surprised me by filing



## plymouth71 (May 10, 2010)

I left my husband 2 weeks ago after a night of fighting where he choked me and smothered me in our bed. When I left, I filed a protective order. All the details are laid out in my blog, Chronic Love

I had to go back this week for a hearing on the protective order. My lawyer and his lawyer agreed to the terms so we didn't have to go before the judge or get cross-examined. Then his lawyer surprised me by serving me with divorce papers. Working backwards from the dates on the papers, he must have lawyered up and filed only a day or two after I left.

A couple of my friends went back to our apartment to get a piece of furniture and my classic car. Before he'd let them leave, he checked the oil and he packed me a box full of things I'd forgotten or left behind. I feel like he's trying to reach out through his actions to tell me he loves me, and his mother is pushing the divorce. I feel like without her influence, he would have fought for me.

Now I want to reconcile. Nothing he ever did to me, including choking me, hurt as badly as this divorce. I want to call his lawyer and ask for a 6 month break then I would be willing to move back in.

Am I cracking up? Is there love there? Has anyone else reconciled after separating due to violence?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Honey, he choked you! Why would you want to go back to that without any promise of anger management and counseling on his part?? 

I think that we as women try to make things out to what we WANT them to be. He checked the oil and packed a box for you. That can read two ways. Either he cared about you and wanted you to have those things, or he wanted your sh** out of the house LOL. You know him best, but I would start by asking yourself this: Do you want him back because you are afraid he won't want you anymore?


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## plymouth71 (May 10, 2010)

I think I want him back because I feel like now that we've stood on this cliff's edge, we could get back together and treat each other better. In spite of all my flaws, he loved me. He wasn't perfect and he did things to me I didn't like, but I feel like now I would be able to treat him better and he wouldn't need to choke me to calm me down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

plymouth71 said:


> He wasn't perfect and he did things to me I didn't like, but I feel like now I would be able to treat him better and he wouldn't need to choke me to calm me down.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Did you re read this after you posted it? This is something you should talk to someone about. You can't do ANYTHING to make him "feel like he wouldn't need to choke you" He has to learn personal responsibility and accept that he needs anger management.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I bet his filing and serving you first was a shock! You had everything planned out and then it all got scattered...

But let's back up and look at this objectively for a minute, okay? It's a given that no matter what, divorce is hard and even in the worst circumstances, it can be really difficult to let go of the good times and the good feelings, especially once the anger and the crisis passes. Knowing that for sure, there are a couple of other things I see here.

1.


> Before he'd let them leave, he checked the oil and he packed me a box full of things I'd forgotten or left behind. I feel like he's trying to reach out through his actions to tell me he loves me, and his mother is pushing the divorce.
> 
> 
> > Hearts and flowers...in the cycle of domestic violence it always goes from a buildup, to an explosion, to a makeup period, right? The last thing he did was chase you out of your house threatening you to the point you were knocking on strangers' doors for help. My guess is that this is part of the "but really I love you and if you'd only .... then I wouldn't have had to ... " part of the game. And you guys have been doing this dance for so long, it's natural to fall right back into it and see the promises and not the motivation to get you back and keep you in the cycle.
> ...


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

"he wouldn't need to choke me to calm me down" 

ARE YOU KIDDING?? Seriously, sweetie, he didn't need to choke you to calm you down. There is NO EXCUSE for choking you. Nothing you could possibly have done, save for making an attempt to kill or seriously injure him, excuses him choking you. The fact that you think it does indicates how much he's abused you.

Do not go back to him. Please. Get some therapy to help you get out of this horrible situation and eventually be ready for a healthy relationship. I understand it shocked you that he filed first, and I think that's the only reason you want to go back. You're scared. 

It's understandable to be scared. But you should be more scared of what will happen to you if you go back to him thank of what might happen to you when you're on your own.


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## plymouth71 (May 10, 2010)

I was seeing a psychologist from July to October, and we had our last session just a week or two before I ran out. You know what he said to me when I told him about the first time my husband choked me (early Oct)? He said, "I want you to consider that your husband is not an abusive person, but when pushed to extremes by you, he chooses some abusive actions." I heard that from a psychologist!

I'm just so broken-hearted. I take my dog for walks around my Mom's neighborhood, and I pass by this cemetery. Every time I pass it, I think, someday that's all I'll be - a headstone somewhere. And what will I have done with my life? Will I have loved someone, really loved someone, stood by them in good times and bad, or am I just a fair-weather friend who flees when I hit an obstacle?

I am sick with grief. It was almost one year ago that my husband won me back through a series of emails and we eloped in the woods. I just can't believe that I'm right back where I started, alone in my mother's house with everything I own in boxes.


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## geo (Oct 29, 2010)

Really, A man should be able to deal with a woman without the action you describe. I have been with the same woman 24 yrs an never never laid a hand on her ! the kicker is I have been a fighter all my life meaning I rarely avoid an altercation. If I am that mad at a woman I walk away till my head clears !


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

All that tells me is that you saw the wrong Psychologist! Anyone who is going to tell you it is your fault your husband won't control his actions towards you is a nutcase. 

Believe me sweetheart, I have pushed some buttons with my husband and he has NEVER laid a hand on me. He has pushed buttons with me, and I have never laid a hand on him. Personal responsibility for your own actions, sure. Taking the blame for someone not being able to control their own actions? No. He** no.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

> You know what he said to me when I told him about the first time my husband choked me (early Oct)? He said, "I want you to consider that your husband is not an abusive person, but when pushed to extremes by you, he chooses some abusive actions." I heard that from a psychologist!


A PhD doesn't necessarily imply any sort of all-knowing wisdom. It just means they stuck out enough years of school to get the letters. They can be just as full of excrement as anyone else. They're still operating off their own opinions and perceptions, letters don't make them right. 



> I take my dog for walks around my Mom's neighborhood, and I pass by this cemetery. Every time I pass it, I think, someday that's all I'll be - a headstone somewhere. And what will I have done with my life? Will I have loved someone, really loved someone, stood by them in good times and bad, or am I just a fair-weather friend who flees when I hit an obstacle?


In the end, we're all just a headstone, can't escape that. From what you've written, you have some amazing friends that would probably not describe you like you're describing yourself at all. It would be really sad if your life's meaning came down whether or not you had a husband. And I think the past few months are a bit more than an "obstacle"... 



> It was almost one year ago that my husband won me back through a series of emails and we eloped in the woods.


And it took less than a year to go from wooing and winning you to choking you nearly unconscious. What do you think will happen in two years? Or three? 



> I just can't believe that I'm right back where I started, alone in my mother's house with everything I own in boxes.


Mom's are great at giving us second chances. And thirds and fourths when we need them, aren't they? And you're hardly alone...think of the friendships you've re-established, all the people here, the others who've stepped up to support you to get through this....that's pretty much the opposite of "alone". 

It sounds like you're starting to isolate and get into those bad thought spirals, I know you feel awful right now, but please make a phone call or some plans with someone and get out of your head for a little bit. It's hard, I know. I've lived for a long time with a BP brain and I know how it feels for your brain to fight you as hard as any of the actual things going on....

You know we're all pulling for you--


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Then you saw the wrong psychologist. I don't care what you do to him....as I said, the only time it would be appropriate for him to even attempt to harm you is if he is protecting himself from you. Even if you were trying to hurt him, it would only be appropriate for him to do the least amount of force necessary to stop you from hurting him. 

You deserve better than what he's giving you. Don't go back. Please.


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## plymouth71 (May 10, 2010)

Thank you, everyone. The counselor I was seeing at the women's shelter always told me that healing is a spiral, and you go through light and dark. Obviously I was just wrestling with the dark. I'm feeling better now.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

> ...he wouldn't need to choke me to calm me down.


and


> I want you to consider that your husband is not an abusive person, but when pushed to extremes by you, he chooses some abusive actions.


I've worked with women in abusive relationships for about ten years--namely domestic violence where their partner physically abused them--and I can say that when pushed your husband makes an abusive choice. The problem is that by being a person who makes an abusive choice--that makes him an abuser. 

Let's assume you are being UTTERLY out of control: screaming, yelling, calling names, maybe even taking a swing at him. You are entirely not calm. At that point, even if you are acting out, he still has the choice to walk out of the house, walk out of the room, take a few steps away, grab a pillow to deflect you, DUCK, tell you with his words that he won't participate in a fight with you, ask you to calm down, call your parents or a friend to say he's worried about you...on and on. See how none of those options involve abuse? 

So yeah--you're smarter than that, plymouth. He does not "need" to choke you to calm you down. I have been with people thinking of suicide and never ONCE used choking as a method to assist. And he does not need to allow himself to be "pushed to extremes" nor does he need to make abusive choices! There are LOTS of other options.


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## Mulan4Peace (Oct 1, 2010)

geo said:


> Really, A man should be able to deal with a woman without the action you describe. I have been with the same woman 24 yrs an never never laid a hand on her ! the kicker is I have been a fighter all my life meaning I rarely avoid an altercation. If I am that mad at a woman I walk away till my head clears !



You're a true gentleman. A lot has to do with what kind of woman the man has to deal with. Pushing a man to its limit has to suffer the consequences. Men can be very gentle bears. We woman are the ones with the claw.


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