# Psychiatrist says ADHD is responsible - really!?



## Invictus (Nov 14, 2010)

Hi All,

I am starting a new thread because I am really pissed right now and need some perspective, if anyone has any to offer.

I deleted my original post "try again" because I am annoyed with my willingness to work on my marriage right this moment and I couldn't stand my hopeful words being on this forum. I know - sounds a bit nuts. Truth is, I feel a bit nuts right now.

My husband started therapy this week with a psychiatrist. For those who never read my original thread, my husband sexually molested me while I was sedated at home. I had taken a prescription sleeping pill that my doctor gave me and it caused memory loss. My husband new this, so the second time I took the pill, he took advantage hoping I would not wake up nor remember. I did wake up and I did remember. So, needless to say, I have some serious problems with my marriage at the moment. Anyway, his first appointment was Monday. His doctor asked me to come in this afternoon because he wanted my side of things. Well, I just basically spent 30 minutes sitting there listening to him explain how he believes my husband has ADHD and that is a major reason why he molested me in my sedated state a month ago. He says people with ADHD lack impulse control and tend to do things without considering the consequences.

I'm sorry, but did ADHD make my husband feel the need to sexually exploit me while I was completely vulnerable? I can maybe buy that ADHD limited his impulse control, but it didn't freakin' turn off his brain, did it? I mean, this doctor didn't say anything about WHY my husband would think about doing what he did to me in the first place. So he lacks some impulse control - so what! Why would he have to control such an impulse to begin with? I am SO angry right now. I feel like I have been completely destroyed because my husband has a condition and couldn't help it!?

Now, my husband is still quite devastated over what he did. He seems to be as horrified as I am. However, I am really concerned that this doctor is going to get my husband to start thinking that maybe he shouldn't be so horrified because he wasn't necessarily able to help himself. My husband still insists that he isn't going to blame the ADHD for what happened and that he really has changed since he did what he did. Now I'm wondering, can someone with ADHD even change? Do they have that kind of ability to overcome the condition and actually be a different person?

I started therapy for myself this week, as well. I saw a therapist earlier in the week and then was referred to a psychiatrist a few days later. I met with the psychiatrist who says he believes I have Post Traumatic Stress. He wants me to take a medication for it, as well as something to help me sleep. This is just great. My poor husband can't help himself for molesting me and now I'm supposed to take medication that will knock me out. So, how is that gonna work?

If there is anyone on this forum who has any knowledge whatsoever about ADHD in and adult, especially a male adult, can you please let me know if you think that could really contribute to what my husband did to me? Can ADHD make a man NEED sex so badly that he will have it at any cost without any thought to what his actions may do to the person he wants to have it with? I really need to understand this. Right now, I feel like I've taken a HUGE step back in my progress of recovering since this happened. I also need to know if someone with ADHD can control, or even lose, his impulse to do certain things if they cause serious enough damage.

From what I understand, my husband is going back to this psychiatrist early next week so they can discuss treatment options. Lucky me. I get to spend the whole weekend stewing over this while I wait to see what all of us involved can do to help my poor husband with his ADHD. Yes, that was supposed to be very sarcastic because I am very pissed!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

45 yr. old male diagnosed Type 2 ADHD in 95.

The psych is reading from the standard playbook that impulsive, addictive, risky and dangerous behavior and a lack or inability to consider the consequences of a given action are all contributing factors in Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.

I read your previous thread. I have to confess that I have no idea what actually occurred - and not that 'what' happened matters outside of the fact that you felt violated. But in the context of his diagnosis is it likely that impulse control factored into his bad decision? Without a doubt. But ... ADHD in and of itself had nothing to do with the thought process that led him to believe that he could be sexual with you without consequence while you were not cognisant. 

You will need to judge for yourself what role your husband's condition may have contributed to the event. Is he otherwise impulsive? Does he have difficulty ordering or completing tasks. Is he quick to anger, exceptionally forgetful, poor time management, a drinker, a gambler, or have other issues with self control including use of porn, masturbation, making inappropriate comments, or generally bad behavior, or saying he's going to do something and then simply never get it done?

This is a pretty pedestrian list of the typical kinds of impact ADHD can have.

The psychiastrist will likely prescribe a stimulant medication such as Adderall or Concerta depending upon the severity of his condition. This is the part that most people struggle with, the hyperactivity associated with ADHD is brought under control by using stimulant medications that raise the base levels of brain chemicals into alignment with 'normal'.

In my case, I was never a behavioral issue. Although I can undoubtedly be extremely impulsive, my impulsiveness never included addictions such as drinking or drugs. Without a doubt this condition had an extraordinary impact on my ability to perform in school, college and in the workplace. I barely graduated high school and never got through college because despite being extraordinarily bright, I was 'lazy' and didn't apply myself - that was the standard refrain because I wasn't a full blown behavioral freak show. 

This event aside, having this knowledge may help you to much better understand why your husband is the way he is or behaves the way he behaves - should you choose to.

Ultimately, ADHD or not, you will be the one that needs to decide if you can or want to forgive him and move on, or send him packing. I personally don't know ANYONE that has the condition and uses it as an excuse to avoid taking responsibility. In my case, I'm harder on myself than most people are on me.

Last bit about meds, they can impact sex drive, contribute to ED, and cause prostate issues over the long term. This I know first hand.

Hope this helps, if you have other questions, I'll be happy to address them.


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## Invictus (Nov 14, 2010)

Deejo said:


> You will need to judge for yourself what role your husband's condition may have contributed to the event. Is he otherwise impulsive? Does he have difficulty ordering or completing tasks. Is he quick to anger, exceptionally forgetful, poor time management, a drinker, a gambler, or have other issues with self control including use of porn, masturbation, making inappropriate comments, or generally bad behavior, or saying he's going to do something and then simply never get it done?


Thanks so much for your response, Deejo. My husband definitely displays some of the behaviors you mentioned in your post. He has a terrible time ordering tasks. He cannot get anything done if he doesn't maintain a written checklist. He is VERY quick to anger, is exceptionally forgetful and has terrible time management. He does not drink or gamble, however, he did recently confess that he has had issues with internet porn for years. He often makes inappropriate comments and is a master at talking about doing things and then never following through.

It is really amazing to see just how accurately you described him without knowing him. That leaves me to believe that he probably does have ADHD. I do not believe that it contributed to his thinking it was okay to take advantage of me. So, he needs to continue to address that part of this problem because I need to understand that before I can even consider staying in this marriage.

I do have a question about medication. You mentioned that you know about the long term effects first hand. Are you still on medication? Is it something you will need to be on forever in order to control the condition? What I'm wondering is if someone with ADHD can ever function "normally" without medication.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Invictus said:


> Well, I just basically spent 30 minutes sitting there listening to him explain how he believes my husband has ADHD and that is a major reason why he molested me in my sedated state a month ago. He says people with ADHD lack impulse control and tend to do things without considering the consequences.


Well I know very little of ADHD. It is a broad Dx that has to do with both impulse control and attention asn well as hyperactivity. My husband is on the attention side of thing. His lack of impulse control is less than some with ADHD.

Impulse control... even though his is not too far lacking. He will play rough house with the kids. Every Single Time one of the kids winds up in bitter, painful tears because he simply cannot stop himself from Just One More... whatever it is they are doing. You can see it on his face. No verbal cues even touch down. 

I believe that this lack of impulse control can really screw with one's ability to make good choices. And this from someone whose issues in that regard aren't too bad.



> I'm sorry, but did ADHD make my husband feel the need to sexually exploit me while I was completely vulnerable? I can maybe buy that ADHD limited his impulse control, but it didn't freakin' turn off his brain, did it? I mean, this doctor didn't say anything about WHY my husband would think about doing what he did to me in the first place.


GOD I can so feel how you feel. No I can't. I can THINK I can imagine how you feel.

Have you spoken to your husband? I have an image in my head of a deer in the headlights looking at you like

- there is no satisfying answer I can give her because there just ISN'T ONE.
- when you ask me what was I thinking/how could I??!!? I cant answer because I just don't know.

My husband has never assaulted me. But those weird, inexplicable things he HAS done when it seems there is nothing but water vapor between his ears, that is the response I generally get. 





> So he lacks some impulse control - so what! Why would he have to control such an impulse to begin with? I am SO angry right now. I feel like I have been completely destroyed because my husband has a condition and couldn't help it!?
> 
> Now, my husband is still quite devastated over what he did. He seems to be as horrified as I am. However, I am really concerned that this doctor is going to get my husband to start thinking that maybe he shouldn't be so horrified because he wasn't necessarily able to help himself.


Did the doc present this as a behavior EXCUSE or a problem to be solved? 

You are horrified now. Who can blame you!?!?! And a bit of horror may help your husband in the future? I don't know. But there is a difference between saying here is a cause we need to look at to see if we can fix it so it never happens again, and gee you weren't responsible so go right about assaulting people in the future. 





> My husband still insists that he isn't going to blame the ADHD for what happened and that he really has changed since he did what he did. Now I'm wondering, can someone with ADHD even change? Do they have that kind of ability to overcome the condition and actually be a different person?


I don't have the answer to that. What is it that needs to fundamentally change him as a person to be ok for you? (NO CRITICISM THERE. AN HONEST QUESTION.) I guess my question in my mind would be what kind of human being would have the impulse to do such a thing in the first place that would require any kind of impulse control to prevent? That is frightening stuff. If it were me, that would be something I would want addressed in his, my and OUR therapy sessions.



> I started therapy for myself this week, as well. I saw a therapist earlier in the week and then was referred to a psychiatrist a few days later. I met with the psychiatrist who says he believes I have Post Traumatic Stress. He wants me to take a medication for it, as well as something to help me sleep. This is just great. My poor husband can't help himself for molesting me and now I'm supposed to take medication that will knock me out. So, how is that gonna work?


Did you mention that to the psychiatrist?



> If there is anyone on this forum who has any knowledge whatsoever about ADHD in and adult, especially a male adult, can you please let me know if you think that could really contribute to what my husband did to me? Can ADHD make a man NEED sex so badly that he will have it at any cost without any thought to what his actions may do to the person he wants to have it with? I really need to understand this. Right now, I feel like I've taken a HUGE step back in my progress of recovering since this happened. I also need to know if someone with ADHD can control, or even lose, his impulse to do certain things if they cause serious enough damage.
> 
> From what I understand, my husband is going back to this psychiatrist early next week so they can discuss treatment options. Lucky me. I get to spend the whole weekend stewing over this while I wait to see what all of us involved can do to help my poor husband with his ADHD. Yes, that was supposed to be very sarcastic because I am very pissed!


If your psychiatrist is pushing sleep meds on you beyond your comfort level, get a satisfactory addressing of your fears. Or get a new psychiatrist. 

I am sorry I know nothing about ADHD. Does sympathy over what sounds like a horrific situation help?

Oh the one other thing I can think of is, can you make yourself feel safe by securing your bedroom with a good lock while you sleep?


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

He seemed pretty focused on drugging you to have sex with you I thought.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

My sons, ages 9 & 7, have ADHD. Impulse control is a big thing with those that have ADHD, but...they still know when what they did/do is wrong. They might follow the impulse to run out in the street, but they still know it's wrong and could tell you why it's wrong and the consequences of doing so. Additionally, they don't do things that are morally wrong. 

My ex (their father) did have untreated ADHD. While he was a major jerk, and cheated on me left and right, he never did anything like that. Attempt to guilt me into sex, bribe me, annoy/harass me, sure. But never would he have taken advantage of me being in an altered state like that. 

Being that they are treated for their ADHD, I can't say what they would do as adults if it was left untreated. But, I have to be honest here and say that I find it hard to believe that this could be attributed to ADHD. I suppose it's possible, but I think it would just be an excuse.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

What you describe is basically rape and a husband doesnt have the right to rape his wife. I have had ADHD since childhood and while it does make organizing things very difficult, it can cause difficulty in relationships, very hard rememembering things, losing things, but never would I rape my wife, to me this shows no respect of you whatsoever. I really dont see how you can accept ADHD as an excuse, I also wonder what kind of person derives pleasure having sex with an incompacitated person, I would think it is more fun to have an active participant.


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## Invictus (Nov 14, 2010)

Hi All,

Thanks for all of the responses to my question. I especially appreciate the specifics from those who have direct experience with ADHD.

I can see that deleting my original thread in my moment of frustration was a mistake. It explained a lot of things that some of you are focusing on. I am not ignoring the fact that my husband essentially raped me that night. Neither is my husband. He has completely acknowledged what he has done and is taking full responsibility for it. I guess my frustration expressed in this current thread was coming mostly from the way the psychiatrist handled things with me yesterday. He was so focused on the ADHD that he didn't even really address the actions of my husband that night.

I spoke with my husband at great length last night. I told him my issues with the way I felt about the appointment I had with his psychiatrist. He still stands firmly behind his decision not to blame ADHD or any other condition he may have for what he has done to me. He said that his doctor explained in his first appointment that they needed to get his ADHD under control before they can address everything else that has happened between us. I was not aware of that when I went to the appointment with his psychiatrist or when I posted this thread after I returned home. Like so many others who have been drawn to this forum, I have many ups and downs as I go through my particular process. Yesterday was definitely a down day for me.

I am not usually a reactive person. It is not like me to take any sort of action without a great deal of thought first. When I wrote this thread, it was one of the few moments in my life where I expressed what I was feeling without any forethought. According to my psychiatrist, my current state of reactivity is a result of this PTSD that I am dealing with. Apparently the meds he has prescribed to me will help with that.

In any case, I appreciate the concern everyone is expressing about the rape aspect of what my husband did to me. Like you, I am also very aware that there must be something seriously wrong within him that would enable him to even think about doing what he did. My husband has shown a sincere remorse and significant self-loathing over what he has done. It is for those reasons that I am making an effort to work through all of this mess and see if there is any chance at salvaging this marriage.

Now, asking the same question from a calmer, more clear-headed approach... I would really appreciate any feedback I can get about ADHD. I need help understanding this part of what I am dealing with in regards to my husband.

Atruckersgirl, you mentioned that your sons would still follow their impulse to run out into the street, even though they knew it was wrong. Do you feel that their ADHD would allow them to do anything they felt an impulse to do, no matter how wrong it is, or do you feel that there are certain things that they could control if they knew it was wrong enough. Do you think they would understand that running out in the street was wrong while they were doing it? Or do you think they lose their ability to distinguish right from wrong in the moment, but then regain that understanding after the fact?

My husband seems to sincerely believe that he gave no consideration whatsoever to whether or not what he was doing that night was right or wrong while he was actually doing it. The moment I spoke and he heard the shock in my voice, it felt like he woke out of a fog and immediately realized he had done something horrible. He says that he has gone over the incident countless times and honestly cannot understand how he was able to rationalize any of it at that time. He says he would kick anyone's a** who did that to another person because he knows how sick it is. Yet, when he was in the moment, he had no such thoughts or awareness. That is the part that has got me the most concerned and in need of insight into ADHD. Can that cause someone to forget right from wrong? Can their impulses be so difficult to control that they act at all costs without any understanding in the heat of the moment?

These are, of course, questions that I will be asking at my next appointment with my own doctor. But I would also like some less clinical feedback from anyone who can offer any thoughts.

Thanks so much!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You know how you, or most people have that mental 'check valve', that split second where you recognize that if you do what you are about to do, or say what you are about to say that there will be distinct consequences to those actions?
A person with severe ADHD does not have that check valve. Importantly, these are usually things 'in the moment'. The example of a child chasing a ball into the street, or being excited in a positive way that they simply cannot de-escalate, or an adult wanting to call someone an a$$hole, or yell at the top of their lungs despite knowing there will be consequences, or hurt feelings involved - those thought processes simply aren't there. The person will likely be genuinely remorseful _after the event_, but they simply do not have the foresight to see the consequences, or the self-control to not do or say the wrong thing. That is classic Type 1 ADHD.
Mine is different. I never had the 'H' piece. I'm a spaceshot. I do have the check valve. My impulse control was never an issue when it came to others. It was non-interpersonal stuff for me, particularly if I wanted to make a purchase of something I wanted. If I wanted it, I got it, plain and simple - very little forethought. Plenty of buyers remorse after the fact. My struggles were mostly personal. Time management, low energy, complete inability to focus, feeling overwhelmed with managing tasks, or staying on task. Everybody tends to claim "Oh, I have that too." No, they friggin don't. Does everyone have moments of being forgetful, overwhelmed, or late - absolutely - but it IS NOT the same thing.

You mentioned the word 'fog'. I don't know if that is your word, or his word, but it is nearly a universal adjective used by people with ADHD. You cannot see, make choices, or behave clearly, because there is a fog over virtually every action and thought that you have. Meds lift the fog.

I have a very simple belief about how ADHD impacts any given individual - it is either causing issues for how you conduct your life, or it does not. I know plenty of people that have channeled into 'positives' the ability to hyperfocus, workaholic, goal driven individuals - who end up making a killing in the work force. Work becomes their 'center' it's what they know. It's what they have control over - so that's where they focus all of their attention. This is certainly a better option than being an alcoholic or drug addict - unless you have a wife and kids that feel neglected, and the behavior still impacts your life poorly despite your adaptation. I've seen that a lot.

So, the answer is, 'No'. You're husband is never going to have the same functional brain chemistry, thought or behavior patterns as someone without ADHD. That does not mean that he can't behave acceptably, or be considered as what passes for normal. 

The best combination of treatment is behavior modification and medication. I am no longer taking medication due to the health side effects that I outlined previously due to long term use, combined with my age. However, I cannot possibly convey to you in words the difference in how I operate, interact, and conduct myself at work, off meds, as opposed to on. 
It's night and day. The differences can be exceedingly subtle in terms of behavior and decision making - in my case off meds my work performance is probably 50% of what it would be on meds.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Invictus said:


> I guess my frustration expressed in this current thread was coming mostly from the way the psychiatrist handled things with me yesterday. He was so focused on the ADHD that he didn't even really address the actions of my husband that night.


Psychiatrists are not therapists, they are trained to treat you with drugs. They dont know how to really conduct behavior management. If they cant give you a pill for it and send you on your way they're at a loss. If its not ADHD then its depression, borderline, etc and they'll give you a pill for that. But they dont know anything else. 

Ive been referred to psychiatrists many times but would never go to one. psychologists are much better. they at least have a clue as to how to help you. If you want behavior addressed in a therapeutic setting, as opposed to just popping pills, dont go to a psychiatrist.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Invictus said:


> Atruckersgirl, you mentioned that your sons would still follow their impulse to run out into the street, even though they knew it was wrong. Do you feel that their ADHD would allow them to do anything they felt an impulse to do, no matter how wrong it is, or do you feel that there are certain things that they could control if they knew it was wrong enough. Do you think they would understand that running out in the street was wrong while they were doing it? Or do you think they lose their ability to distinguish right from wrong in the moment, but then regain that understanding after the fact?


They are children, so it is somewhat different. At this point, they don't feel sexual urges or those urges to kill someone who drives them nuts that we adults feel. Their impulses are still in the childish range, of things like getting candy they're not supposed to, riding their bike farther than they should without permission, etc. They do know, I believe, in the moment when they follow the impulse, that what they are doing is wrong. When they get caught and I ask them why they did it, they always say "I don't know" but when I ask them if they should have done it/were allowed to do it/knew it was wrong, they always tell me that they knew they should not do it, they weren't allowed, and/or knew it was wrong when they did it. 

I also have to think that some of it has to do with how I raise them. If I were to never teach them that murder or rape is wrong, then impulse or not, they might do it, because they don't know better. But I think, if I teach them, if I really impress upon them how wrong something, such as murder or rape, is that they would be better able to control at least those impulses. For example, when they were younger, like all kids, they went through that phase where they hit everyone who did something they didn't like. Take my toy from me, I hit you. Look at me funny, I hit you. Now, these same situations can happen, and I can see that impulse to hit working in their brain, but I also see them refrain (well, most of the time ). I've taught them well enough that hitting is wrong that they know get that it's wrong and so they fight that urge. 

And of course some of it is just personality or mentality, too. No matter how much someone tells you something is wrong, if you just fundamentally don't believe that it's wrong...well, then nothing else will matter. If I think shoplifting is wrong, no matter how small the item, I won't do it. But if you think it's only wrong if the item won't fit in your pocket, then you'll take lipstick, gum, candy bars, whatever you can fit in your pockets. And you might even alter your clothes to give you bigger pockets to allow you to take bigger things all without changing your theory. And no matter how much I tell you that what you're doing is wrong, you just won't see it that way. And that's got nothing to do with ADHD. 

See, the way I understand it, the impulse control issue is not that they do not understand right from wrong, but that they just don't care about the consequences. It's about stimulation.....they get a rush from doing stuff, so they follow their impulse. They know that riding a bike off a roof is a bad idea, but the excitement is just too darn much and they have to do it. For an adult, they know gambling the rent money is wrong but the rush at the thought they might win overpowers common sense and they place that bed, or they know that having a one night stand with that stripper could destroy their marriage but there she is and they really want to so they'll worry about the consequences later. 

I might be wrong in that, so if someone else knows more, feel free to correct me. As I said, my kids are only 9 & 7, so I'm still in the childhood phase of ADHD, and my ex was never officially diagnosed, and we had so many other massive issues that trying to figure out how ADHD played into all of it was just not something I felt I could do. But that is my basic understanding of it: they know it's wrong, even when they do it, but the rush, the excitement of doing whatever it is just overwhelms anything else.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

ADHD is impulsive. He was premediated.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Atholk said:


> ADHD is impulsive. He was premediated.


Agreed. You can make bad decisions as a result of having ADHD. But not all bad decisions are because of ADHD.


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## Invictus (Nov 14, 2010)

Thanks again for the responses.

Deejo, I appreciate all the insights you are giving me. I find it interesting how many things you reference that I can associate with my husband. He has the thing with shopping as well. When he wants something, he has to have it. I hesitate sending him to the store for anything because he will always come back with a ton of extras that weren't needed. Also, the word "fog" is my husband's word. He hasn't been able to come up with a better way to explain what it is like when he is acting out or doing things that aren't appropriate. He often says it's like being in a fog for a few moments. It's after the fog clears that he can see what happened and realize he could have/should have handled things differently. If meds will lift that fog, then I am anxious to see how he will be on them. Some issues in our marriage haven't been addressed properly because he just hasn't been able to understand his behavior, let alone explain it to me. Can I ask how long it took for the meds to work for you? Also, if you don't mind, can I ask for a little more detail on what side effects you had? Did they all remain or did some go away with time? Did others show up later on after longer use of the meds? And, at the risk of being too nosy, I was wondering if you could tell me whether you had any idea that something was "off" with you before you were diagnosed. My husband is a brilliantly intelligent person. So, I'm confused as to how he didn't realize he was "off". When I ask him about this, he says that he just always felt like he was right and everyone else in the world was wrong. He truly believed that. However, now that he has read a few books and such, he is accepting the possibility that his belief about being right or wrong hasn't exactly been correct.

Atruckersgirl, something you said really has me thinking. You said that you believe a lot of your boys' awareness of right and wrong is coming from how you are raising them. If I think about my husband's childhood, his father was a real piece of work. He raised each of his sons to be a "man's man". His father taught them that a real man doesn't show any form of emotion or weakness. The lack of respect he showed for anyone, especially women, was terribly offensive. I'm wondering how many of those early lessons have reared their ugly heads over the years. I'm beginning to wonder if my husband's decision to violate me is somehow rooted in what he was taught as a young child. Perhaps when combined with the affects of ADHD limiting his impulse control, what happened that night could have an explanation.

We talked again last night and we came up with some specific questions he is to ask his doctor next time he sees him. The more I read about ADHD, the more my husband's behavior overall is explained. How reactive and short-sighted he seems to be, his inability to explain his motives behind what he does, even stuff like his shopping compulsions and porn surfing. It all seems to add up.

I'm still not happy about this whole ADHD thing. I didn't sign up for this kind of stuff when I got married. And I sure as heck didn't need to be hurt the way I was by my husband. But, it may help me to recover if I can believe that he wasn't just being a creepy pervert. If his belief system has some defects because of his childhood and his ADHD is confusing his ability to make appropriate choices about those beliefs then, maybe, we have a chance at working through this stuff. My husband has a good heart and some pretty wonderful qualities. The only real problems we have ever had have been centered around my husbands attitude about sex.

Which is now making me wonder if he really could be a sex addict. Deejo, you mentioned gambling, drinking, use of porn, etc. as examples of behaviors that are fairly typical for those with ADHD. My husband read a book while we were separated about sex addiction. He said he read it because when he was searching the internet for information about what he did to me that night, he kept coming across links about sex addiction. Of the books he has read since this happened, that was the book he said he related to the most. I have been hesitant to accept that he is a sex addict because I thought there would be a lot more signs, aside from that night, than the occasional porn surfing and pressure on me to perform. I was thinking that he may be just looking for a convenient, albeit ugly, excuse for what he did to me. Now I'm wondering if this ADHD could really be a contributing factor to him not only being a sex addict, but acting on his addiction.

As always, I would appreciate and welcome any thoughts anyone has on all of this. I've got so much I'm trying to work through that I need all the help I can get.

Oh, and Blanca, I'm starting to understand your dislike for psychiatrists. After the way my husband's doctor treated me and the experience I am having with the meds mine prescribed to me, I'm done. I was a wreck and absolutely could not function all weekend. I am not going to take any more of those wretched pills. I have regular appointments scheduled with a psychologist, so that is what I will stick with. This PTSD, hopefully, will resolve itself as I become more mentally healthy from all of this. For now, my husband may need to see a psychiatrist until he gets his ADHD under control, but I have no interest in seeing one again.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Funny you mention meds.

I am back at work after a one week vacation and having been off meds for nearly 90 days. I am on a long term project at work, and just couldn't seem to get my act together, so this morning I decided to take an Aderall XR 25mg. How long does it take to see results from ADD meds? 

About 15 minutes.

There is no buildup or systemic phase requiring that you take it for weeks. The results are immediate. It was very much a bitter reminder as to how much less effective I am at my job off the meds. But in turn, the side effects for me were also immediate. Frequent urination, dry mouth, loss of appetite. I drink lots of water and always have gum or mints on hand. Over the long term it can have a negative effect on libido, and can possibly cause prostate issues. Keep in mind, mileage may vary. Loss of appetite is very common when on the stimulant based meds.

Best description I can give in terms of how it affected me, was that I never felt 'good enough'. Very bright but unable to complete long, or multiple step tasks. College was brutal. I didn't finish. Best example I can give: I took Anatomy and Physiology over the standard 12 week semester and failed. I took the same class in an accelerated 5 week setting and got an A. If I could focus on one class over the short term, I always did great. If I had to juggle multiple classes and responsibilities over a long period of time, I would start out strong and about the halfway point, I'd go off the rails. What was infuriating is that I never understood why it happened. I could sit down to a study session for 2 hours and cover very little information, because I would be distracted, or the information simply wouldn't sink in. An hour later, I couldn't remember a thing I had gone over. I couldn't organize thoughts, write complete papers requiring detailed research, etc.

I'm going to guess that your husband isn't a desk jockey - or if he is, there is a high degree of interaction or variability in his work. That's how we compensate. Lot's of ADD folks go into sales or jobs that 'change up' frequently. I despise routine in my work.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Invictus, you say you didn't sign up for this when you married. One thing to keep in mind: ADHD, by itself and being treated, is not a huge, gigantic deal, and doesn't change basic things. My kids are both great kids - funny, intelligent like nobody's business, creative, sweet, kind. They just have more trouble focusing on things that don't interest them and sitting still than the average person. But the same basic things that exist for others still are there in them - they respect others, they get good grades (have to work a bit harder for them, though), my oldest wants to be an artist and the youngest own a construction business, they both want to get married when they grow up. 

If, in fact, he does have ADHD and begins treatment, it really shouldn't change anything good about him. In fact, the good will probably be enhanced by the fact that the bad such as lack of focus and impulse control will be curbed, therefore bringing those good qualities to the front. 

I think what I'm trying to say, and taking the long way around to, is that although ADHD is rather serious, unlike bipolar where the person is so unpredictable and there's no way to figure them out and they sometimes want to stop their meds, treated ADHD doesn't have a big impact on your marriage. It only seems like a big obstacle when he's not being treated because then he's out of control.

*sigh* I hope I made sense here and didn't just bore you to tears.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I feel a little guilty about how I think of this 'rape'. Maybe I am screwed up or something. 

I didn't read the original post, so I don't know the 'tone' of what happened. I don't know how sick you were or your how your relationship was at the time. But I am wondering how I would feel if my wife did this to me. I am not sure I would feel violated. 

I think it would be great if my wife 'took advantage' of me. If she was touching me to see if she could give me pleasure in that state. Especially if I woke up part way through. 

I understand your husband feels bad because of how you reacted, but I am wondering if he wasn't being totally selfish and was actually trying to be loving and close to you.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I read most of the post(s), but I think I'm missing something, or it could just be me.

While you said he "knew" you were on a sleeping pill, did he deliberately wait until you took the pill, knowing it would knock you out so he could have sex with your unconscious body or was he trying to have sex with you while you were sleeping (regardless of the method that got you there)?

Did he admit to this? Or do you think that's what he was trying to do?

Do you truly feel that he raped you because you were asleep? There was no chance to say yes or no if you were asleep.

And if you remember...did you tell him no and he continued anyway?

Not trying to be difficult, just not really sure I understand the entire jist of what happened.


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## Invictus (Nov 14, 2010)

Wow, Deejo, I wish I would have met you years ago. All it would have taken was one ten-minute conversation with you and I would have said "holy cow, my husband has ADHD". Seriously, I cannot get over the similarities. My husband also didn't finish traditional college because he learns best at a short-term fast pace. And, if I had a dime for every time my husband expressed that he didn't feel "good enough", I'd be quite the wealthy woman. Similar to what you mentioned, he starts out very strong on a lot of things, but doesn't follow through til the end. He loses his focus and drifts into a state of indifference about things. He is very much an instant-gratification kind of guy. If he doesn't see an immediate result from his effort, he just quits - Tried it; Didn't work; Moving on.

I'm thinking I may need to find a good ADHD forum and have my husband start posting there. It seems to me that he may benefit a great deal by talking with other people dealing with the same issue. Maybe he won't feel so alone or "freak-like". It may also help him to have support from others who understand what he will be going through as he begins his treatment. Not having ADHD, it is quite difficult for me to relate to what he is going through. Things that seem so impossible for him are non-issues for me. Plus, I have some hurt and anger issues I am still dealing with because of the toll his actions have taken on me. Heck, maybe I need to find a good ADHD site for myself. Perhaps there's a section for those of us living with someone with ADHD.

Atruckersgirl, you are so NOT boring me to tears! In fact, you and Deejo are helping me so much right now. The feedback from both of you has been very insightful and is giving me a sense of direction and understanding that I didn't have when I started this thread. Instead of feeling so frustrated and angry with all of this ADHD stuff, I am starting to have a sense of hope that maybe I didn't just waste 20 years of my life with my husband. Maybe there is still something that we can salvage if he gets the proper treatment. At any rate, I need to make some very serious decisions about my future with this man, and I can't do that until I know what it is I'm dealing with, how much it had to do with certain events, and how well it can be managed so as to ensure I'm not harmed again the way I just was. Hopefully, I'll start getting those answers as my husband becomes more self-aware (and medicated). In the meantime, hearing from people who have first-hand knowledge of, at least part of, his issues is going a long way towards opening my mind up to what those answers may be.

I am truly grateful for everything you have offered. I've said this before, but I am truly humbled by the generosity of those on this forum.


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## Invictus (Nov 14, 2010)

To reply to some of you who are asking for more information about the night I originally referred to, here are the Cliff's Notes:

I had been having problems sleeping. My family doctor prescribed a medication to help. I took it one night and had no memory of any events from about 15 minutes after taking the pill until waking in the morning. I read about the pill the next day and found out a lot of people have the same experience and sometimes get hurt because they get up and cook and try to drive and all kinds of other things while being completely unconscious. 

I was hesitant to take the pill again because the memory loss freaked me out. Anyway, my husband promised to keep watch over me so that I didn't do anything that could hurt or scare anyone in the house. I took the pill. Some time in the middle of the night, I was awakened from my sleep only to find my husband taking advantage of my unconscious state. I asked him what he was doing and he told me that nothing was going on and I should just go back to sleep. After a few more attempts to get him to tell me what the heck he was doing, I attempted to leave the room. Instead, he left and I stayed awake the rest of the night.

The next morning, he admitted that he was doing something completely inappropriate and that, looking back, he must have expected me to not wake up or remember anything the next morning. He was not simply enjoying his wife or misreading any signals I had given him. I was completely unconscious and he was completely taking advantage of it. He said that he honestly wasn't thinking about what he was doing, why he was doing it, or how it would hurt me until after I woke up and he heard the tone of my voice. Once he realized what he had done, he was as mortified as I was. I should mention I have a history of sexual abuse that my husband is aware of. Anyway, I made him leave our home.

Since then, he has been actively seeking help to understand how and why he could have done what he did. He has been to a psychiatrist who believes my husband has ADHD which affected his impulse control. The psychiatrist also has thoughts on other issues with my husband, but said he cannot work on those until after they get the ADHD under control.

I am also in therapy and am trying to be careful to not make any decisions from a "reactive" standpoint. Rather, I am trying to understand what exactly I am dealing with and how it contributed to what he did to me that night. I still may end up leaving him, but I want to make sure that I have made every effort to save our 20-year-marriage before I walk away. I have 2 children and our marriage hasn't been terrible. We have had only one real issue in all of our years together, and it always seems to be attributed to my husband's attitude about sex.

I started this particular thread because I am struggling to understand how ADHD could have anything to do with what happened that night. As much as I couldn't accept it's role initially, I am starting to see how it may have been a contributing factor. Not an excuse, mind you, but a factor. I should also reiterate, once again, that my husband has shown a sincere and genuine remorse over what he did. He is taking full responsibility and is not looking to blame ADHD or any other condition for his actions. Instead, he is pursuing answers just as strongly as I am. As a result, I have allowed him to come back home with some serious ground rules in place. He is abiding by all of them as we work through this process.


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