# When you are not who your wife thinks you are



## Trees on the mountain (Oct 15, 2013)

I have been with my husband for 13 years. Early on in our relationship when we were discussing what we were both looking for in a partner, I told him what my boundaries were and what kind of partner I was hoping to build a life with. For example, I have very strong lines drawn about cheating, strip clubs, etc. I have no interest in starting a relationship with a guy who is in to that, and if you are, please find another partner who doesn’t mind, for that is not me and never will be.

This conversation was amazing; he seemed to have the same values, morality, and standards I did. Our relationship developed and we moved in together. To make a very long complicated story short, I found out that he was what I would consider in my books, a pig.

My husband can’t keep his eyes of other woman. It’s not just “appreciating” that someone is pretty, it is full on wanting to f**k them. He told me that every time he walks by a woman on the street he wants to bend her over the car and f**k her. I was once in the hospital and all he could do was fantasize about screwing the nurse, etc. I have read that many people find this normal, but I simply cannot feel that a married man who loves his wife should be so in to other women. He has frequent wet dreams about other woman. I feel punched in the gut that he handed me his dirty underwear that he came in over another woman to wash.

He travels often for business. While on these trips he went to the strip club then out to pick-up women. He says he did not have sex with them, therefor he was not cheating. Once it was time to go upstairs, he would shut it down. I was devastated to learn this and absolutely feel betrayed and heart-broken. I also don’t believe him when he says he didn’t have sex. He spent a great deal of time setting up the opportunity to do so. In my books, getting sexual pleasure from anyone but your wife is cheating on a scalable level. It is insulting and degrading if your husband wants to have sex with you not because he is turned on by you, but by someone else. Others disagree and that is okay, but why pretend to agree when you don’t (like my husband)? I just don’t understand!

Over the years I suspected something was off and asked him what was going on. He would deny everything, and often it would take months to get the truth. I am writing today because this week-end I found out the truth about things that happened 10 years ago (and more recent) and am struggling to keep it together.

I asked my husband why he did these things, and why on earth he was with me if that is who he really is. He totally had the option to walk away when we first started going out, and he just played games with me instead. In explaining why he does what he does, he told me that I was nothing like his ideal woman. I am the opposite, actually. I said why on earth would you get involved with me then, he said he couldn’t land his ideal woman, he was lonely, and I would do. And love is not blind in his eyes; he had a list of flaws that I never considered flaws in myself and that had never been mentioned by previous boyfriends. There are many, but the most painful is the fact that he doesn’t like my breasts. The one person in the world who is supposed to find me the best of everything simply doesn’t.

I am in a state of shock at having been so deceived, and sort of for no reason. If you want to be a man-*****, stay single. If you have a type of woman, date her, not the opposite. The depth of deceit since day one is staggering and I have lost 13 years of my life.

Reading some past posts on similar topics, it seems like the consensus is that I am abnormal and he is fine. I shouldn’t be upset at the constant oogling and wet dreams. From the bottom of my heart I believe that if you are in love with someone, these behaviours are not necessary and should not happen. I do not check out other men and I do not have sex dreams about other men. For everyone who says the behaviour is normal and harmless, it is not.

What is also devastating is that I thought I was pretty, and especially in his eyes. Now I feel that everything about me is ugly. My hair, my eyes, my breasts, my face, my height, my shape. I have been told often that I have stunning blue eyes; my husband told me there was nothing special about them and he actually prefers brown eyes. I just can’t comprehend all of this and I am probably not doing a good job of articulating the dynamics.

Do men really go to these lengths just to avoid loneliness?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I would say (speaking as a guy), that your husband isn't typical of all males, and is just an @ss. 

Now that that's covered, what are you going to do about it?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Well now that you know don't waste any more of your life on him. Get rid of him and let him live out his days in strip clubs with women that think he's disgusting and wouldn't otherwise give him the time of day. You've allowed him to treat you like sh!t so he has no respect for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I sure you are beautiful, he's just an as$hole. Kick him out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Now you know he settled for you. And that he sees nothing wrong with his behavior. It's time for you to move on and find someone who isn't just settling for you.


----------



## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

Wow, I'm a man that usually stands up for men's rights, but your husband is a total a$&@/le. I would never treat my lady like that.

Take back your life and drop him like a rock.


----------



## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

He deceived you. The only thing that you can really do is to stick to your boundaries. If you won't stand for what he does, then you need to drop him and find someone who will agree with what you do. 

If you say that this is unacceptable and you are going to leave, make sure that you do. If you don't, he'll view that your really not firm on your boundaries.


----------



## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

_If you have a type of woman, date her, not the opposite._

First, he knows he's a pig, but he wants the world to see him with a respectable wife. So he lied to you to get you to marry him.

Second, you must be attractive or he wouldn't have married you; that's the kind of person he is. He puts you down because he disrespects women in general. Just as he lied to you earlier for his own reasons, he lies to you now for his own reasons (and he enjoys it). 

Move on, cut your ties and don't let him hurt you any more.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

love your user name!

Listen I know your whole world has been turned upside down. take some time to let this sink in and realsie that your dealing with a physciopath. someone with no concious who could be married to someone that they don't love someone who will take what ever they can from anyone they can for their own personal gain. I could go on and on and on but you get the point.


now with that said realise that you can recover from this and meet someone who really dose love you for you.

I also think he said alot of the hurtfull things just to hurt you because you were finaly on to his horid ways. so I wouldn't put much stock in anything he has to say.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I agree. He is a pig and a big fat liar.

Cut him loose. You deserve much better than this.


----------



## Trees on the mountain (Oct 15, 2013)

I appreciate everyone's feedback. I quit my job of 12 years and moved 4000 KM away for his job this summer; I haven't made any close friends here yet and thought posting would help my mental state. He’s at a hotel here in town and we have not spoken since he shared his true thoughts with me. Thanks for taking the time to reply!


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

What a PIG. You have wasted way too many years on this man. Its time for you to move back home. Maybe you can even get your job back.


----------



## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

> I am in a state of shock at having been so deceived, and sort of for no reason. If you want to be a man-*****, stay single. If you have a type of woman, date her, not the opposite. The depth of deceit since day one is staggering and I have lost 13 years of my life.


Did we marry the same man??? Of course I am kidding.

You have mentioned what I am going through, we have been separated since April of this year. It became real when I left in August.
You are normal. I suspect he may have some sort of sexual trauma that needs to be helped with a therapist.



> What is also devastating is that I thought I was pretty, and especially in his eyes. Now I feel that everything about me is ugly. My hair, my eyes, my breasts, my face, my height, my shape. I have been told often that I have stunning blue eyes; my husband told me there was nothing special about them and he actually prefers brown eyes. I just can’t comprehend all of this and I am probably not doing a good job of articulating the dynamics


I still feel like I am worthless. My self esteem took a dive into the deepest trench in the ocean.
My stbxh admitted that the reason we didn't last is because we are so different and he doesn't like the way I am or the way I look and he probably never has.
I have always liked the way I am. I was happy with the way I look until our marriage dysfuction then I began to wonder if everything was my fault.

Let me tell you, you are not alone and you are beautiful.


----------



## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Trees (and ne), your H is not a stable unit. What he says is beyond disrespectful, and he is intentionally hurtful. He is a liar and a con, and you deserve far better than what you've gotten. He 'settled' because he knew what a slug he was, and it is himself for whom he is settling. I'm sorry you're hurting, and you are beautiful. He says these things to keep you feeling like sh!t so he doesn't have to (feel that way).

Don't wast your time on this 'man' who wastes your time and love.


----------



## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

Trees on the mountain said:


> I have been with my husband for 13 years.
> >>
> To make a very long complicated story short, I found out that he was what I would consider in my books, a pig.


I am sorry for the deeply hurtful things that have come your way. You can't change someone else. 

However, please understand that you should not totally lose confidence in yourself. In effect, you've been swindled. It's easy to doubt yourself and say "how could I not have noticed?"

The fact is, you gave the benefit of the doubt, and you'll have to do so again. Please don't let it scar you so much that you take to wondering if everyone who comes close to you is the opposite of what you think of them. 

It's better to play the risk and lose, than to never risk, and therefore, live forever in fear and doubt.


----------

