# Don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. pls help



## fcc (Apr 13, 2010)

Hello ladies

I'm so glad there are forums to people like me out. I just need some opinion about my recent marriage (less than one year)

My husband secretly watches porn when I'm not around, and he knows I can't stand it as I have mentioned it before. It used to be when I was away from the house before, but now he'll do it when I'm in the next room. Instead of just coming to me for pleassure. 

I can't stand him watching porn, its like he's cheating on me with those women. What shoudl I do? I'm afraid if I confront him, it will get out of control. We are having a lot of other issues as well already. Please help please please


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## fcc (Apr 13, 2010)

help....


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

How often does he initiate sex with you? How often do you oblige him? These are important pieces, but even men who have sex daily will still watch porn. Men are visually stimulated, and if the only variety he's getting is with his eyes, that's a good thing. I understand how you feel though, because I used to feel the same way. My H and I had a great sex life pre kids, but he still watched videos, then online stuff when we got a computer. After years of it bothering me, catching him, making him feel humiliated and in turn making him think I found him disgusting, I finally figured it out and just accepted it. It's perfectly normal for men to look at porn, online or movies, unless he prefers that to having sex with you. 

I wouldn't "confront" him, that sounds angry already. Maybe, if you can accept what I said, then sit him down and have a civilized talk. The ultimate in this department of marriage is when both partners needs are met and the porn is just a diversion for the man. 

Women can also enjoy it, and a lot do. It's not so much about the people doing the acts, but the acts being carried out. 

But you say there are other issues. Can you get in to that? It may be that all of it is connected. I have discovered in my recent marital woes that one small issue, something seemingly insignificant, can trigger an avalanche of problems. The two of you need to have an open, candid, yet kind conversation to get to the root of your problems.


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## fcc (Apr 13, 2010)

We have a pretty active sex life. I just feel like he does it only when we are having an arguement. As if he's taking revenge or something. 

I can't accept him watching porn though. it makes me feel very disrespected and like he's cheating on me behind my back. If women don't like men looking at other girls while they are with them why should this be any different?

I will sit down an talk to him camly, because it does work other times as well. 

We live with my inlaws and the three of them have a very tight relationship. I do give him heat about it because it makes me feel left out, maybe thats wut is causing all this. I don't know


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

Give him from his own medication
why you don't try to enjoy watching porn yourself and see if he will get jealous when seeing you watching other men 
If he get jealous he will be walking in your shoes and feeling what you feel and maybe like that he might stop
If not it doesn't mean he doesn't love you you need to find out and understand the latent reason maybe he sees it something normal in life and he won't mind you watching other men
as they said A man needs the woman who understand him more than she loves him
So if you tried it let me know the reaction
Good luck


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## lisa1994 (Apr 12, 2010)

I don't think it is good idea to watch "the porn" because your H is watching, You do have your own standand of life, right? conselling may help your guys if he agree to go with you. 

You can't find 3 legs frog, but you can always find 2 legs man, right, guys?


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## fcc (Apr 13, 2010)

I can't get myself to watch it. Its too embarrassing. I did talk to him about it though. But he denied it. I still told him how I felt about it in general. And he agreed. 

For the next week, he didn't do it at all. Then last nite we had an argument about something completely unrelated. Today I checked his computer history, and he had been looking at some pictures rite after we had the fight. 

I don't get it, is this his way of getting back at me??? He doesn't argue with me at all when we fight!! I'm confused again how to deal with this...pls help


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Hoping you will slow down and calm down, fcc. Lots of men watch pornography. Lots of women watch it. Lots of couples watch it together. He isn't cheating on you in this respect. If you told him how his actions hurt your feelings, I will grant you that he should respect that. At the same time, you don't want to be a nagging wife, who tries to control your husband. He will grow to resent you for that. He possibly already does.

Him watching porn would be a problem if he did it so much that he seemed addicted to it. That would be a very big problem. But, nothing in your posts suggest that to me. So, I really don't think there is cause for alarm. It may be that he uses it for escape from the arguments.

What does cause me some concern for your sake is the number of fights you have and there being a lot of other issues in your short marriage. He should not mentally check out and disengage himself from the fighting and the concerns that the fighting is all about. And, he certainly shouldn't use watching porn to get back at you. It is not a terrible thing that he watches porn. It is terrible, however, if he watches for those reasons.

At the same time, you need to learn how to communicate with him (and him with you) and learn how to pick your battles. You both need to learn how to share your life together and how to manage the various concerns and issues that arise. There being many issues can cause stress. Deal badly with the issues and with each other concerning the issues, and you cause yourselves and your marriage even more stress. Stress is what broke the camel's back.

Please seek marriage counseling now so you learn how to express your displeasure without being demanding or controlling. And he will learn how to listen and respond to you and how to better understand your feelings. This way, you both learn conflict resolution and how to respect each other and each others' wishes.

In the meantime, please don't watch porn just to get back at him. You don't want to participate in childish mind games in your marriage. But, please do consider watching porn with him. Unless you have religious views against porn, you have no reason not to ask him to share that pastime with you, to include you. Embarrassment is no excuse not to join him. You will get over embarrassment, and he doesn't know you are embarrassed anyway.

Make an appointment for marriage counseling soon, please.
And good luck


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## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

You said he usually watches porn after an argument...maybe this is his way of releasing the stress from the argument?? He might also watch it when he's bored too...as "something to do." My husband watches porn, I don't care...those women are disgusting anyways! I know I'm better than them


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## fcc (Apr 13, 2010)

Thanks lola and susan,

He does it everytime we fight without fail. It just bugs me that when we do argue he doesn't say a word. He just listens and leaves the room to go watch tv or porn. It doesn't resolve any of our problems. I need him to talk to me and tell me if he doesn't agree. That's fine. 

I also tend to tell him every little thing that bothers me about our relationship. (for eg. The other day we were out with his cousins and I wanted to get his attention to pay the bill, but he kept ignoring me while talking to his cousin. I was upset that he didn't even acknowledge me in front of everyone) Was I wrong to be upset? Maybe I expect too much. But, I think I will have to learn to ignore these little things like you said.

I don't want to seek couselling yet, because I am afraid of admitting that we have a problem. We still communicate and love eachother very much. 

Any thoughts?

PS - I can't watch porn...noway...and him watching it is making me pull myself away from him. I haven't even been married a year...and i dont like wearing any lingerie for him...i don't know why.


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## corperategirl88 (May 10, 2010)

This is a problem area for me too. My husband watches porn too, but it doesnt bother me. My problem is that :after he watched porn that day, i try to initate sex and he will brush me off cause he aint "horny." and thats how i know he beat off earlier. I feel like if you wanna watch porn fine do so , but dont let if affect our intimacy!!!

Now you said he does it when you in the house and after an argument.....he may be doing that to get back at you because he knows that it bothers you. But i do agree that it is disrespectful to do that if your not okkay with it.I really dont know what to tell you to do about it, because porn will always be here and available.


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## fcc (Apr 13, 2010)

just an update.....i've absolutely stopped arguing at all. I haven't even said anything judgmental....I'm sweet as sugar and guess what. I don't think we have the porn problem suddenly. 

except i don't know how long i can fight all my basic instincts....


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Your fear of seeking counseling is normal, but you have already noticed a serious communication problem in the marriage and waiting won't help. IF you can get him to read some books about communicating in marriage, try that. Tell him that poor communication is a huge part of failed marriages, and give him the example about the time in the restaurant, and how he walks off when you express something he doesn't like to hear. Work on your communication skills--"I" statements, explaining how you feel and what is the thought triggering that feeling--show him how you are interpreting his behavior and how that leads to your feelings. He may be able to explain behaviors you are interpreting negatively, or he may be willing to change behaviors that are just disrespectful. He needs to say things in the same way--thoughts, feelings, behaviors that trigger the thoughts. Good luck. Don't wait to do something--it won't get better if you don't make some changes!


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## fcc (Apr 13, 2010)

I like the idea of the books. Any recommendations on some good books on communications? Even if there are any audio books....he's not much of a reader. 

I have told him how i interpret his behaviour negatively sometimes. He just brushes it off saying well i don't mean that....i don't think he takes it seriously enough to do anything about it.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Print out "Walk Away Wife Syndrome" and have him read it. Tell him this is YOU now, working to make the relationship strong, and it is HIM, trying to avoid that. By reading this (it's short), he'll have a good idea of the path on which your marriage is being set by his refusal to communicate and to work on communication skills. Good luck.


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## confused2ndwife (May 17, 2010)

i have to admit, i'm the one who likes watching porn (wife). 
my husband likes to watch too, i suppose. i've seen couple of porn pages on our puter. we don't watch it together though because we don't ever seem to get to the ending. 

i don't feel like it is a big deal, but that's just me. maybe you should try and see why he likes to watch them. personally, i like to watch and learn how to pleasure my h.  And of course, occasionally when he's not around (he works in another state) i like to get myself off and have that nice after glow feeling. i say, that's better than cheating.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

fcc said:


> Thanks lola and susan,
> 
> He does it everytime we fight without fail. It just bugs me that when we do argue he doesn't say a word. He just listens and leaves the room to go watch tv or porn. It doesn't resolve any of our problems. I need him to talk to me and tell me if he doesn't agree. That's fine.
> 
> I also tend to tell him every little thing that bothers me about our relationship.


No offense, but if you are that verbal, he has likely already decided that all you do is nag him and tell him how defective he is. Why would he want to talk to you? All you do is complain! Even if he DID talk to you about a problem, you'd go find another problem the next day, and chew him out again! He can't WIN!

Do you see how this must feel from his side?

If you want him to engage with you, you have to give him a REASON to. We do what feels good, we avoid what feels bad.

At this point, being around you FEELS BAD.

YOU are the only one who can control that. For example:



> (for eg. The other day we were out with his cousins and I wanted to get his attention to pay the bill, but he kept ignoring me while talking to his cousin.


You two were doing something FUN, and for some reason you decided that you had to interrupt the fun, to make him stop and be serious about paying the bill? Why? Were you in a hurry to get somewhere? Were you worrying more about the waiter being upset than your husband? Your husband probably ignored you because YOU were embarrassing HIM, when it wasn't even necessary to stop that very minute to pay the bill. 

Again, do you see how your husband may have felt?




> PS - I can't watch porn...noway...and him watching it is making me pull myself away from him. I haven't even been married a year...and i dont like wearing any lingerie for him...i don't know why.


 You need to figure OUT why you can't. He married a woman, not a child. A woman is interested in meeting her husband's needs. I get the sense that you are very conservative when it comes to these things, and you may be disappointing your husband a great deal by being unwilling to consider that there is more to SF than just what you are used to. You have to realize that SF is almost always a man's #1 Need. Number one. You have to recognize that you will have to consider this a priority for you, too, or he will likely decide he made a mistake marrying you. And go elsewhere to take care of his #1 need.

As for him not staying in your arguments, he has a reason. He has shut down. He sees no point. He has given up. He does NOT feel safe with you. So he keeps his mouth shut, waits for you to finish the complaint of the day (sorry, but that's what it sounds like), and then he goes to 'his' room and does what makes HIM feel good. Right now, that's not YOU.


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