# Teen custody



## librarydragon (Aug 20, 2011)

I have been divorced for going on 6 years. Two boys, now ages 15 and 11. Remarried.

Initially, my ex-husband and I settled on joint (50/50) legal and physical custody. Little did I know that this arrangement had more to do with child support payments than actual parenting on his part. I recognized and corrected this problem before the final divorce decree, resulting in joint legal but primary physical custody for me.

His job has always required him to travel, and in the early years of our divorce he had them about 20% to my 80%, never because I restricted or prevented his access. His choice. 

Three years ago, he moved across the country, seeing his sons 2-3 times per year. Stereotypical Disneyland dad.

Fast forward to January of this year, and he's returned, not to where the boys and I live, but 3 hours away.

He's encouraging my 15 year-old to move to live with him, which sounds pretty sweet to a teenaged boy who's only ever known an absent dad.

He still travels out of province on an at least monthly basis. He works from home otherwise, and I believe, could have chosen to live closer. My son moving so far away will completely impede my ability to remain involved in his life.

I also believe his grades will suffer, as will his athletic involvement at school. We currently live in a small town/ rural area, and my son benefits from small class sizes and personal attention from teachers. He is also able to participate in sports that he might not otherwise enjoy because there are fewer kids involved.

This is partly a moral dilemma, and partly legal. I don't think I'm legally bound to agree to this, but I want to respect my son's wishes. At the same time, I think that it's a huge mistake, and one that will affect his ability to attend a good college or university if his grades drop. 

Feedback?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

librarydragon said:


> I have been divorced for going on 6 years. Two boys, now ages 15 and 11. Remarried.
> 
> Initially, my ex-husband and I settled on joint (50/50) legal and physical custody. Little did I know that this arrangement had more to do with child support payments than actual parenting on his part. I recognized and corrected this problem before the final divorce decree, resulting in joint legal but primary physical custody for me.
> 
> ...


Does Dad finally want a relationship or child support motivated?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## librarydragon (Aug 20, 2011)

Could be both.

I've asked for a sworn letter from his employer stating how much travel is required, but have yet to see it.

I truly don't want to limit their relationship, but the way he's working it is just crappy.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I'm actually surprised your son is wanting to move away. At his age, children usually don't want to move away from friends. Perhaps Disneyland Dad is making him an offer he can't refuse. Your concerns are justified though. Unfortunately, at his age, a judge will probably let him decide who he wants to live with.


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## librarydragon (Aug 20, 2011)

I'm not entirely surprised. Oddly enough, I'd liken my son's state of mind about this to the fog. He recognizes that he'd be leaving a great deal behind, and is nonplussed by it. It's so worrisome because I've spent 15 years creating an environment of success for him, and I don't want to watch it flushed down the toilet.


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

From what I've read, a 15 year old boy will end up living where he wants to live regardless of what it says in the divorce decree.

The most positive way to look at your situation is to say that it's possible that both your ex-H and your son want to strengthen their relationship by spending more time together. However, given your ex's job related travel and your son's schooling, I wonder if it's possible to compromise by having your son live with his dad for a long stretch during vacations. If he were to spend 2+ months with dad during the summer, it might help them build the connection that they want without being too disruptive.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I think you're between a rock and a hard place on this one. One hand he goes to stay with a less than fully involved father and risks poor grades, lack of supervision etc. On the other hand you invoke a legal right and he resents you, imagining his father to be something he's not and you the bad guy. 

At 15 I think you have to approach your son as an adult. Tell him your reservations in detail but let him know you will respect his wishes. Also, let him know you will be ready to pick him up and bring him home the minute he decides he is better off there. 

Sorry you are going through this. I can only imagine how difficult it is. I made a point of moving only 5 minutes from my ex's house so both of us could stay involved in our childrens lives. My son starts university this year but up until this summer he spent half of his time with me and half of his time with his mother.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

What will happen when your son realizes Dad isn't Disney Land and he misses his friends? You really can't say no because then he will resent you. Let him go and wait. Let him know you love him and he's welcome to come home anytime. He'll have to learn for himself the grass isn't always greener and he'll be back.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I've seen this with kids before. Live with dad for 6 months, then get mad at him for something. Then move in with mom for 6 months, then mom gives him a curfew or something and he moves back with dad. 

My advice: You two better get on the same page with your son, and fast. Put aside your personal issues with each other. Decide as parents where he's going to live and hold him to it. Do not let a 15 year old be the driver here. 

Want to screw a kid up? Let them go wherever the wind blows anytime they want.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

There is a ton of great advice on this thread and I have nothing more to add other than I've been there, with my 16 year old daughter, and sorry to say it but the following is basically how it works:

1- At the age of around 15 and above, in the absence of any real drug abuse, neglect, etc; the courts will give the child almost complete discretion even though they might not come right out and say it.

2- If you cannot effectively coparent and compromise and agree with your exspouse and basically leave things to the whim of your teenager, then you will be like involuntary boxers in a ring, running back to court to change support amounts every time the child decides the grass is greener at the other parents house.

3- And there's not much you can do about it other than put the brakes on and say "you made your bed, sleep in it" (over at dad's house). But of course you won't do that because you can't turn your son away, and regardless of dad's motivations he's doing the same thing. 

So the cycle perpetuates, and it strips the parents of all power, and gives it all to the child who doesn't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out they have everyone tied around their little finger. 

Too much power for a young child, it's going to mess them up and cost you dearly in court related costs but again, odds are there's nothing you can do about it.

Like I said, I've been there. I AM there.

Let him go to dad's house if he wants, if that's his choice, he's going whether or not you say it's ok.


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## librarydragon (Aug 20, 2011)

We share the same opinion, 3leafclover 

I think he just wants to be heard, and it's possible that the decision may overwhelm him if he's actually given the opportunity. It's a big deal...life altering, possibly.

My thoughts on making it work:

~ he stays put until he's 16 and can drive. 

~ I get him established as a junior in high school...good study habits and so forth ( my ex struggled to finish high school )

~ he gets one more year to develop in his chosen sport ( at a high school level )

~ he only remains with his dad if ALL of his grades remain above 70%, a bare minimum for college acceptance. They both agree ahead of time that he returns home if his grades fall.

Ideas?


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

I think you've got a reasonable compromise but the truth of the matter is that if your ex has gotten inside your son's head, and your son has this idea that Dad's house is so much better for him, and he wants to make the move there isn't going to be anything you can do to stop him.

I'm going to guess that if you approach your ex with your reasonable compromise your ex isn't going to go for it at all. He wants his son living with him, and as you suspect it's probably more to save on the child support then anything else but it really doesn't matter even if it's just about him wanting his son to live with him, it's all about the discretion given to children your sons age and your husband probably knows it and might even be telling your son that if he wants to move that you can't stop him.

In which case your proposal isn't worth the paper it isn't printed on.


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## librarydragon (Aug 20, 2011)

Ah, yes, but to reach THAT point, it would have to actually get to court in front of a judge  And we all know how long that can take. Depending on the judge and depending on the day, it's 50/50 odds. I have a reasonable compromise that a judge will have the chance to see. And I have a fairly solid case of abandonment, as well as another, younger son to consider. My ex is completely prepared to split these boys up. At the age of 16, I think I could have some peace with this arrangement, knowing that he's only 18 months from leaving home anyway. Also, if he doesn't want to agree to the stipulation about the grades, he can bring that before a judge, too. 

I have spent years creating an environment of success for my son, and I will not just watch it fall apart because my ex doesn't have his same best interests at heart. On top of that, after his dodging child support for years, I'm registered in maintenance enforcement. Before they remove enforcement, they need an order. I think I'm at the point where he needs to play ball on my terms here. I can agree to this change with planning, preparation, and an understanding about what happens with my other son, access, support, etc. He sprung this on me last week, and school starts in two weeks. It's just too much of a clusterf*ck...

In which case your proposal isn't worth the paper it isn't printed on.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## librarydragon (Aug 20, 2011)

Darn iPhones! Couldn't quite get the quote removed. 

Thanks so much for the replies so far...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Well it sounds like you did your homework, I hope you're right and he sees the logic in working with you rather than fighting it out.

In my state? At that age the kids get what they want, although as you said it takes time, probably 6 months minimum.

Since you have legal custody your ex can't change schools without your permission, of course you know that. But he could make things difficult between you and your son. "I'd love to have you stay with me but mom won't let you, yes, she's very selfish like that and only cares about what she wants...".

It could get ugly.. but like I said, hopefully he'll work with you rather than against you.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

3leafclover said:


> I think you're right about the decision overwhelming him. This is another reason I don't think kids should be given the power to unilaterally decide which parent to live with. Deep down, most of them still feel some measure of guilt, feeling they've chosen one parent over another, no matter how easygoing the parents are about it. I've recently dealt with a sort of similar situation. Custody of my son was 50/50, but he's wanted for years to change it and spend more time at my house. But I could also see how afraid he was of hurting his dad's feelings.
> 
> We got it worked out this summer and he'll be living with me during school from now on, but his dad and I were able to do it in a way that took the burden of choice off of his shoulders. Basically, we gave heavy weight to his feelings, but made the decision based on other important factors, too. We made it together and then informed our son.
> 
> ...


How into it is your son? Really? Thinks it could be 'cool' or seriously wants it to happen? You've mentioned your son's academics, what about his social life? My son just turned 17 and I can't imagine him moving away from friends. He wants to graduate with the friends he's gone to school with forever.
What about finding him a part-time job? encouraging time with friends? I would be concerned about him willing to leave his friends so easily.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## librarydragon (Aug 20, 2011)

I so, so appreciate the time you have each taken to post. It's difficult to find others who cross my path with similar circumstances. 

My son is, for lack of a better term, an "old soul." I'm no Shirley Maclean, but my dad, who died in December, has been visible in my son's personality since he was a toddler. Even while my dad was alive, I could see so much of him in my son that it was...well, I'm sure you know. Then, it was heart-warming. Today, it's heart-breaking. But, you don't know me, or my son, so...

He's not a rebellious teen. He's just a good kid. He enjoys solitary pursuits like golfing and fishing (which he did with my dad). He slept with my dad's fishing hat for days after he died, and when he was in tears asking who would take him fishing now, I wanted to run my ex-husband over with a bus, and then back over him again, just because he's been such a sh*t to my kids...and with my dad gone, there's no one to take home fishing? WTF?!?

My son, years ago, decided he doesn't like chips or pop. Mind you, he's never had either, aside from a sip of ginger ale that blew out his nose as a toddler, and that's been it. It ties directly into his being ok about leaving his friends. At 15-16, they're out experimenting with drinking, girls, and worse (I remember the days), and he just distances himself. It's entirely possible that beer/booze and girls may be next on his contraband list  He's really a stellar young man.

He's not an honor student, but he's far from stupid. He works to see 70-80% in school. He's not naturally athletic, so the fact that he's found a team sport is so great. He tries so hard, but he's not the best player on the team. I've volunteered with the coaches, driven a 2-hour round tripto get him to extra practice for 5 months in Canadian winter on sh*t roads to help him advance. He's finally finding a place. He has a great little part-time job that is flexible, well-paying, and even fun for him. I picked him up tonight from work, and he had this huge smile on his face, laughing that it was a great day. It was a crew of all men/boys and they had FUN together.

I don't know what else I can say about him. He jumped in line, on his own, at the reception following my dad's funeral (unasked) to thank everyone for coming. He used to lose sleep over making an "unfair" Pokemon trade with someone at school. He is quirky, and amazing. Sometimes I wonder how I produced such an amazing kid. He's been picked over the years, and once, I sat down with the school principal to tell her she would be fixing it, or i would be fixing it with the help of the police. I swear, on my daddy's ashes, that I would kill someone who tried to hurt him. Dead. Without an ounce of remorse. Right now, my ex-husband is the one making a move that will hurt him. You can figure out the rest.

Sadly, I don't see co-parenting with him. At one point, when I refused to withdraw from the maintenance program because they were going to seize his house, his car, his driver's license and his passport, he threatened to take the kids for "his 50%" and then hire a nanny to look after them so that I couldn't be with them.

Right now, I am a momma bear defending a cub who thinks he is less in need of the protection. As far as I can tell, the need has never been greater.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WEBELONG2GETHER (Jan 22, 2012)

library dragon, you sound like such an awesome mom with an awesome son. my third born son sounds like your young man. hang in there is fight for what is right for your son. just keep in minds that boys long for a relationship with their fathers... even if the father is not a great parent. just something in the cosmos. boys thrive for their father's approval and love. i hope you find a compromise.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Well, good dad or not....there is a primal bond and any connection between them will be helpful in one way or another.

All your good work will not go for naught if he goes to be with dad.


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