# New Member With Big Question



## joey40 (May 27, 2019)

Hi, I am a new member. I decided to join this chat room, because of some things that are taking place in my life in regards to my marriage. First of all I'm a Southern. Long story short my husband of 17 years decided he wanted a divorce. I have a daughter who he thought was his, but he found out when she was 12 she is not. She's now 17. I got pregnant when we were dating. Anyways he says I lied to him for 12 years. I accept that I was beyond wrong. Before we found out about my daughter, he had two affairs. Now when he said he wanted to divorce because of the lie that lasted two long, I found out he is having another affair. I am now a Christian, before I wasn't. I think I lied so I deserve what's taking place. I have not told my daughter, long story short we have went through hell with her. And now she's 17 and pregnant. I'm really struggling. I know i deserve some backlash but please be as respectful as possible. I would like some thoughts on this. I want to make it right after it's been wrong so long. I have to add I suffer from mental illness, that's when I told him. I have been suffering with that illness since we met it was just undiagnosed. He tells me he could tell. How do you explain to someone I did something, while I was sick. No excuse for not telling him. But that's what surrounded me and effected my behavior.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

First off are you bipolar or BPD? Have you been faithful to him, not that is an excuse for his cheating but it sounds like maybe this wasn't a healthy relationship to begin with. Just trying to get a full sense of your relationship. 

Here is the thing maybe it's just not healthy for either of you to be married. Sounds like you are both hurting each other terribly. If being around each other causes you pain even if sickness is the reason for causing that pain, maybe it's still better you are not around each-other as husband and wife. Can I ask you why you want the marriage? Is it more then history or your Christianity or even fear of being alone? I mean 3 affairs and paternity fraud are pretty hard to overcome for even the best marriages.

Look if you have truly repented then you deserve to go in peace but unfortunately sometimes the damage is just to great to fix. Even with God people have free will. 

I am assuming you plan on telling your daughter or no?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I agree with sokillme, that's an awful lot for you guys to overcome. I'm not sure how a man would overcome finding out that the daughter he's loved for years and years wasn't really his. That's a pretty big betrayal. I feel for him.

Are you getting treatment now? I think your illness makes your choices a little more understandable, but it does not absolve you of the guilt of what you've done. You have a lot to atone for in regards to your husband and your daughter. 

As for his cheating, I don't condone that either. I have lived with someone with borderline personality disorder and I never once thought to cheat. It never would have occurred to me that cheating would help anything, because it never does, it always just makes things worse. And it's a ****ty thing to do to someone you supposedly love. 

I'm not sure what you're hoping to accomplish. Are you hoping to end things amicably or try to reconcile and keep your marriage?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

joey40 said:


> How do you explain to someone I did something, while I was sick.


Who do you want to explain this to? It's not clear since your husband already knows.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I’m a bit confused.

Did you know she was not his daughter? It sounds like you did, but then you said “When we found out” when she was 12...please clarify for me on that. Did you both find out then, or did you know all along and _he_ found out then? Did you get pregnant with her by cheating on him when you were dating or were you pregnant already when you got together and you just let him believe she was his?

Does your daughter know yet? Does your husband want her to know? Medically she may need to know. 

Either way, he had the first two affairs before he even knew, so he was already a piece of crap serial cheater, so because he has now had his third affair (that you know of) is not your fault either. If he can’t forgive you (understandable), he could divorce you. He chose not to, so he can’t now hang this affair 5 years later on you. Nice try, but no.

This sounds like a very bad marriage, and you would be better off starting fresh with a new man, as the improved woman you say you are today. This will be extremely difficult with a pregnant child. What a mess. I’m sorry that you are going through all of this. I don’t really have any fabulous suggestions for making this situation better.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

...


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

What particular thing is it that you want advice on? Do you seek forgives for your sin, acceptance of it, explanation of it, or how to advise your daughter of it ?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

joey40 said:


> Hi, I am a new member. I decided to join this chat room, because of some things that are taking place in my life in regards to my marriage. First of all I'm a Southern. Long story short my husband of 17 years decided he wanted a divorce. I have a daughter who he thought was his, but he found out when she was 12 she is not. She's now 17. I got pregnant when we were dating. Anyways he says I lied to him for 12 years. I accept that I was beyond wrong. Before we found out about my daughter, he had two affairs. Now when he said he wanted to divorce because of the lie that lasted two long, I found out he is having another affair. I am now a Christian, before I wasn't. I think I lied so I deserve what's taking place. I have not told my daughter, long story short we have went through hell with her. And now she's 17 and pregnant. I'm really struggling. I know i deserve some backlash but please be as respectful as possible. I would like some thoughts on this. I want to make it right after it's been wrong so long. I have to add I suffer from mental illness, that's when I told him. I have been suffering with that illness since we met it was just undiagnosed. He tells me he could tell. How do you explain to someone I did something, while I was sick. No excuse for not telling him. But that's what surrounded me and effected my behavior.


With all due respect, own your ****.

You claim *"no excuse for not telling him BUT that's what surrounded me and affected my behavior..."* The second you threw the word "but" into that sentence, you completely negated all the words before it. Yes, you ARE trying to use 'mental illness' as an excuse for your lies.

Stop trying to blame *12 straight years of lies and deceptio*n about the paternity of your kid on a 'mental illness.' That's a load of crap and you know it. You did what you did because back when you got pregnant, it obviously benefited you for him to think it was his kid, probably because you wanted him to marry you and he wouldn't have had he known the truth. So you lied. It ain't rocket science.

You asked for our thoughts, those are mine. I'm not in the business of back-patting and tongue clucking so I'm sorry if this comes off as harsh. I will say that your husband is *no* better with his serial cheating and sneaking and deceit, so you both should probably just go your own separate ways and let this toxic marriage die, already.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

First of all welcome to TAM i hope you will stay and not gain advice but give it as well. It sounds like there has been transgressions on both your parts...a couple questions 

1. was his affairs prior to knowing your daughter is not his?
2. What sparked his affairs? 
3. How long had you known that he was not the father?
4. do you believe that your marriage can continue to grow on top of both of your transgressions and lies?


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