# To warn or not to warn...that is MY question



## FuzzieStump (Sep 17, 2012)

My wife, whom I'd been faithful to for our entire relationship, told me that she wasn't happy, and that she thought she was ready to "move on" in July 2012. Being a typical male, I did everything I could to reconcile - books, getting in shape, etc. It didn't change her mind, because she got up the nerve to tell me because of a posOM. She denies him to be the reason, but I know all too well that he was (and continues to be) that which separates us.

She moved out on Dec 29, and we have been in limited contact since. It was told to me it was a "3 month trial separation", but last weekend a confidant informed me that her vehicle was parked behind the posOM's house Saturday evening, and in the same exact spot Sunday morning. That was enough for me to throw in the towel. I think she's decided our 3 month trial is over already.

Originally, she said she would forgo all of our marital assets, wanting only her vehicle and her cell phone, and that she would pay the filing fee for the divorce. Now that the shoe is on the other foot, I want to file. I have prepared a marital asset distribution paper for her to sign, and I want to give it to her very soon. 

I obviously dont feel like I 'OWE' her this courtesy, but I want to keep her from changing her mind about signing over all of our 'stuff'. Keep in mind, I'm not screwing her out of anything - I was the main breadwinner in our house, and she hadn't really worked for the last 6-7 years...she only got a job once she moved out. But in the contract, she wont be eligible for any of the equity in the house, and is absolved of the mortgage and credit card debt, and gets to keep her vehicle.

So my question is this - Should I tell her that I plan to file for the divorce and then give her the papers to review after that, or should I just hand her the distribution contract and say "lemme know when you're ready to go to a notary to sign"? We have a 9 year old daughter together, but other than topics related to her, we have barely spoken in the past 2+ months. I dont feel like I need to say "Hey, I'm going to file...I'll bring you papers to look at", but again, I dont want to get her fired up and give her reason to change her "I dont want anything" mentality.

So, do I warn her of my intention to file (where it was originally her idea) or do I simply toss the papers to her during the exchange of our daughter?

TIA for all advice...even the bad stuff.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I think you should send her an email in advance of the exchange and let her know you are ready to move on. You have drawn up the division of assets according to her wishes and will give the paperwork to her the next time you meet. Hopefully this will reduce any chance that she feels she has been ambushed and will not cause a scene in front of your daughter. Be firm, unemotional and detached from here when you do it. Good luck!


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## FuzzieStump (Sep 17, 2012)

I figured that would be the right thing to do. I was just leary of what she might do if I'm the one who suddenly wants to file 3 weeks ahead of 'schedule'.

Oh well - the email has been sent. Wish me luck!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

FuzzieStump said:


> I figured that would be the right thing to do. I was just leary of what she might do if I'm the one who suddenly wants to file 3 weeks ahead of 'schedule'.


She's already moved on. Be prepared that your move may jolt her and she may want to consider R. If so, think through what you want


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## FuzzieStump (Sep 17, 2012)

I cant lie - I think part of me HOPES this will jolt her. But either way, I'm prepared to move on and get started on life without her. 

Thanks, Amp.


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## FuzzieStump (Sep 17, 2012)

Holy crap...so, she email me back, saying that no matter how bad I treated her (???) in our relationship, she's never been so cold to me. Am I dealing with a mental illness here? She told me she wanted a divorce, has shown absolutely no signs of wanting to reconcile, and is staying overnight (regularly, it seems) at the posOM's house, and she said that "If you're ready to move on, I understand and I wish you the best". 

Do they make drugs for this?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Stings like hell but at least you know and can move on with your life. Sooner or later Karma will call on her. Relationships born in a cesspool deceit and lies usually end that way. Good luck and concentrate on you and your daughter now. You've just rebooted.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Sorry,for what you must be going through.Oh so typical,
blame shifting so she can justify the affair in her mind.
Shes not to blame for anything, only you what a joke
she is.

She probably is in the fog, as they say here on TAM.
If she ever does come out of it,she might beg to have you
back.I wish you luck whatever you do.


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## greeneyedlily (Nov 10, 2012)

She is the jerk, time to move on! Take care of you now and your daughter.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

FuzzieStump said:


> Holy crap...so, she email me back, saying that no matter how bad I treated her (???) in our relationship, she's never been so cold to me. Am I dealing with a mental illness here? She told me she wanted a divorce, has shown absolutely no signs of wanting to reconcile, and is staying overnight (regularly, it seems) at the posOM's house, and she said that "If you're ready to move on, I understand and I wish you the best".
> 
> Do they make drugs for this?


Just keep her happy until she signs the agreement, then bash her all you want.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Damn, I saw this too late, I was going to say NO WARNING. 

Best of luck with things, I hope it gets over with quickly and as painlessly as possible.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

good riddance.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Sorry, it didn't work in your favor Fuzzie. 

Look at it this way, you're done with her lying, that did nothing but keep you on a string. Talk about being cold.  

Now you can look forward to a future with out your stomach turning about what she is hiding. 

I'd expose her to all, then let her tell everyone how a married woman has a boy friend.

Best wishes on your future.


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## FuzzieStump (Sep 17, 2012)

Thank you all... There is definitely something wrong with her head...I dont even recognize her as the incredible woman I married 12 years ago. There's definitely a fog there...I'm kinda glad I wont be around when it dissipates...


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

All I would add is to make sure to have your custody nailed down and all your ducks in a row. The last thing you want is for your stbx to get dumped, snap out of the fog, and realize that she ended up with less than she is "entitled". 

- Have a plan and a strategy for how you want this divorce to go. Use the internet to research your state statues for divorce. Get a consult with a lawyer to go over some of the basics. You don't have to use them, but they usually offer a free (or cheap) consult where you can get some questions answered. There are also sites for Dad's going through a divorce that offer advice and support. 

- What is your custody arrangements? I would make sure I had at least 50/50. If that is what you are doing now, keep that in your journal so that you can show status quo later on.

- If your stbx is a SAHM (stay at home mom), there are good odds that you could owe child support and alimony, depending on the state and length of marriage. This is that "entitlement" I mentioned. If your stbx is in agreement, get your documents signed & notorized, then filed with the court. 

- Make sure you document everything with respect to your daughter and interactions with the stbx. The idea is to show that you are a good Dad and involved with your daughters life. Keep it simple and emotion free.

- Go ahead and file for divorce. Keep in mind that several states require a year minimum before it is granted. Lot's can change in that time. Make sure you keep the status quo with respect to your daughter.

- This is a business deal now, try to keep the emotions out. Your stbx may decide to rage against you. Keep it calm and collected until the paperwork is signed by the judge. 

- I would not worry to much about the OM, most states now have no-fault divorce. The only thing adultry might do is affect alimony and bruise her ego if word got out.


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