# Wife wants more kids, husband does not



## knight185 (Jan 9, 2013)

I have been married for almost 5 years and have a 4 year old son. My wife really wants another child but I have always been satisfied with one. The main reason for me not wanting more kids is basically I don’t have much patience for the hassle involved. Our marriage took a nose dive due to my negative attitude. Although I would know what to expect with having additional children, I can’t ever see myself really wanting more kids. This has become a strong issue in my marriage. My wife would like to have at least 2 kids, mostly for my son to have a sibling. My wife has been ready to separate because of my attitude about various issues but is willing to stay and work it out, but she still feels a lot of resentment towards me for not wanting more kids. I told her that I would have more kids if it meant keeping our marriage and family intact, but that is not good enough. She wants me to also want more kids as bad as she does.

Has anyone ever been in a situation like this where one spouse wants more kids and the other doesn’t, and they ultimately decide to have another one to appease one of the spouses? Does that usually end up being a good thing or a bad thing? 

For now my wife is trying to focus on building her career. If it works out well, she may have to travel quite a bit for jobs, seminars, training, etc. She says that her career will, for now, fill the void of not having another child. My job is also unpredictable. I don’t have to travel but I often have to work 12+ shifts, weekends, nights. It would seem like having more kids would just complicate things even more. I don’t mind her needing to travel for a better job opportunities but I also don’t want to be raising multiple kids on my own. 

Something has to give, but I’m not sure what and when.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

There is a simple answer....unless both people agree on it, its does not happen. Never have a child with someone just to make them happy. If you don't want another that is acceptable. Remember that it takes two parents to raise a kid.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

How many children did you both agree to have before you got married?

I can tell you don't want another child when you use words like "hassle" & "negative attitude."

I agree with underwater. Both agree or it doesn't happen.

So now you both have to figure out what to do about her resentments (because it will affect you also).


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Here's the number one thing.

Children are not like "things"... Once you decide to have a child, you as a man in this world have no choice but to be the best father and husband you can be. You are a grown man, you accepted this responsibility, and you owe it to your wife, your child and the world at large, not to have a bad attidude after you made a free choice that affects life of a child.

You as a husband, man and father is responsible to CREATE a family situation where everyone's needs including your own are being met. Meaning, if having a child is a "hassle".... you have to reorient everyone's lives and thinking so that it is not a hassle. What is making it a hassle? What are you and your wife doing to stop it from being a hassle? What are you and your wife doing to create happiness and fulfillment? That is the responsibility you signed up for when you chose to have a baby.

And, how this relates to having another child.... You and your wife should directly address this... The conversations would be about what changes need to be in place to make it workable for you to have a child, and the two of you agreeing to whether those changes are workable in your family... Through the process of creating the ideal family situation, you determine if another child fits into it.


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

Just get a snip snip and act like you are trying to have kids with her, but just doesn't happen.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I realize the viscious circle of unhappiness in one area begetting unhappiness in the other and vice versa. But you really need to have a healthy marriage before you expand your family.

Maybe you two should go to marriage counseling first to resolve the non-child-related issues. The child may fill the baby-void your wife has but it won't solve any of the other problems and may, in fact, exacerbate them. 

Just as you may be happier in your marriage because she is happy with another child but other areas of your home life will be less fulfilling. 

Start on the marriage. A child will only make things more stressful for both of you. 

Meanwhile, consider ways to make parenting easier. Can you hire a housekeeper? A babysitter a couple nights a week? Can family help with an additional child and during times of travel and 12-hour-shifts? 

Everyone I know says two aren't twice the work. The first couple years are hard but then they entertain each other more. I have one and wish I had another but wasn't in a healthy marriage so I didn't want to put TWO kids through a divorce. 

But start with your wife.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

scione said:


> Just get a snip snip and act like you are trying to have kids with her, but just doesn't happen.


I hope you're kidding. Deceit is no way to maintain a healthy marriage.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

knight185 said:


> For now my wife is trying to focus on building her career. If it works out well, she may have to travel quite a bit for jobs, seminars, training, etc. She says that her career will, for now, fill the void of not having another child.


Can you expand on this a bit? Are these her words? What about your current child? I am trying to understand how she wants another child so badly, yet seemingly is willing to dive into a career that will involve her being away from the other child for big chunks of time? Filling "the void" with a career seems to come at the expense of your current child.

What plans has she described if you did have another child? What type of care does she anticipate? Her or a daycare provider?


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## knight185 (Jan 9, 2013)

I always felt my wife hated being a stay-at-home wife. She hates being in the house. She likes to be out doing things and that usually means spending money. Her line of work allows her to be out of the house doing work that she likes and getting the social time that she craves. 

We have been to counseling and I have taken responsibility for my negative attitude. Prior to meeting my wife, I didn’t really want kids. I also had no eagerness to get married. After meeting her I decided I wanted have a family. But I guess I couldn’t override my old programming. Having a kid felt like a restriction of freedom. My wife and I were accustomed to doing what we wanted whenever and having a kid, plus extra financial burdens of taking care of a family vs. just myself, felt suffocating. For me, when the money is really tight, I am always in a bad mood. My parents struggled with money all the time and they were never happy, and I seem to be the same way. When money is more plentiful, things are better. Some say money can’t be happiness but for me it relieved a lot of stress. A lot of the things that we like to do aren’t free and we haven’t done a good job of finding free activities to do. I am a homebody and don’t mind being at home but she hates it.

We had a short courtship and she was pregnant within a few months of being married, so we didn’t have much time just as a couple. We decided it was best to have a baby early rather than later, but in retrospect I have had my doubts. The baby years were tough for me and I did not deal with it in a positive way, and I was also working a lot of hours at my job. My wife had a high risk pregnancy followed by long bouts of depression. My son is older now and it is much better, but I’m afraid of going through that again. My wife blames me for all of the issues that we have. I am reliable, trustworthy, and a good provider. But I am lacking in the areas that women crave…empathy, romance, passion, etc. I guess these issues weren’t that apparent when we were engaged. 

She thinks that by engrossing herself in her career that maybe she will grow to like that rather than being focused on having another child. She said time may heal her resentment towards me, or maybe it won’t. I think she will stay married as long as I am able to provide for her but I wonder what may happen if she is able to support herself. As a Christian, she doesn’t believe in divorce….but everyone has their breaking point. She has been ready to walk out the door before but not divorce. As strange as it may sound, her threatening to leave made me beg her to stay but also made me resent her for wanting to break her vows, and therefore I didn’t have much ambition to try to make things better. Sounds like a revolving door of issues.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

knight185 said:


> She thinks that by engrossing herself in her career that maybe she will grow to like that rather than being focused on having another child. She said time may heal her resentment towards me, or maybe it won’t.


I am still having trouble with this. She loves being a mother so much that she is going to drown her resentment in her career, at the expense of her four-year old son?

I understand that many women balance work and family. I just don't quite get why, after being told that you don't want any more children - a decision that she resents because she wants more - that she would take on a job that would mean extended travel away from her son. To me, her actions are saying something different than her words.


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## knight185 (Jan 9, 2013)

Right now her job keeps her close to home but it is also by appointment which means it is unpredictable. She ultimately wants to live in a different area where the industry is better. And her goal is to make it to such a level that she will be sought after in different areas of the country for clients, shows, seminars, etc. She is a hair stylist. I think she likes the idea of having a family to come home to. She also wants my son to have a sibling. I think that is more important to her than simply wanting another child for herself. I don't think she views her career as a threat to being a mom but everyone knows that work/life "balance" is very hard to achieve for people with career ambitions. Sacrifices have to be made and you have to find an unbalance that is acceptable. The problem is that my job is unpredictable too. So far I have been relying on her to be home while I work but now she will want me to hold down the homefront if she has to go away. With our kinds of jobs, that will be difficult.


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

This right here is the crux of why my marriage is falling apart. My wife (Gf at the time) got pregnant VERY early in the relationship. One of those things where she "forgot" to take her birth control. Ok, whatever. I guess I "Forgot" to put a condom on so it's on me too. 

Well me, not wanting another kid, asked if we were going to "take care of it", like we agreed upon before. She said no, we're having this kid and it will bring so much joy into our lives! 

I responded with very logical reasons why we should not have another kid. Even painfully honest reasons like we just weren't responsible enough to handle it, not financially stable enough to support it, etc....but no. She decides we're having this child. Ok, so be it....

And then we had a beautiful baby girl and I fell in love with this child, but resented my wife for it. Every time we couldn't do something, couldn't afford something, or just plain didn't get any sleep I resented my wife. Couldn't help it. But we dealt with it and got through....

Until I started working full time and wife stays home doing childcare. And suddenly...she starts whining and complaining about all the very things I warned her about!!!!!! This infuriated me so much that I practically hated her. So I sought comfort in video games, which almost always do what I tell them, and she started seeing other men, because she's a ****. 

And here I am....


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