# How to get wife to talk



## matt (Apr 2, 2009)

My wife refuses to talk. I broke her trust and we have been having issues off and on for ten years. I do not want to loose our marriage and I hope she doesn't either but we need to talk. She avoids anything that has to do with repairing our marriage. Help please


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

Someone has to break the barrier. The silent treatment only festers with time. I assume you live together. What would happen if you talk to her? If she leaves, follow her. You might start a huge anger fit, but at least it will start the ball rolling.


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Matt,

Am I reading your post correctly trying to get past for 10 yrs.


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## matt (Apr 2, 2009)

yes of and on. all the time if you ask her


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Matt,

After 10 yrs do you not think it is over.

A marraige statistic has 78% of cheated on spouses staying but not really happy. That is not life is it.

Just to be a couple nothing more.

10 yrs Matt sit and think about it.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

well, just my personal opinion, but the way you are currently acting probably comes off as selfish. I know, you're thinking, how can it be selfish to want to save the marriage! but i didnt say it was logical, just thats probably what it is. Its just about what you want, is what i would imagine she's thinking. 

so what does she want? do you know?


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## matt (Apr 2, 2009)

She doesn't want to feel how she does anymore. I am also concerned for how she feels and our four boys. I have looked at the statistics and several studies show that divorce creates more problems than it solves. Divorce: kids behavioral issues, poor grades, emotional issues; her; single parent, work and raise kids, less money, still hasn't worked on trust issues(she had them before me). If we work things out and I stay clean she can eventually work out her trust issues but while we are working on that she won't have to worry about the other issues. I just see that the route we are on now isn't dealing with the real issues. I am not begging her to take me back I am working on my own personal issues.She won't even participate in the boys counseling let alone get help with her issues. And obviously if a couple is getting divorced they each have their own personal issues they need to deal with even if they don't stay married. I may not be perfect but I do know that if two people can't work out therir issues together they will carry them over to other relationships.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

matt, your kidding yourself.
Stop looking at those statistics, its your way of validating your position but it really gets you nowhere.

YOU dont want a divorce, just admit it and stop pretending.

She is very unhappy from the sound of it, and there is a reason she doesnt want to talk to you. She might be done with you matt, for whatever reason but I'm going to bet its because she finally realized theres no getting through to you. I bet you spit out all those percentages when you talk to her, its pointless and it comes off as authoritive.

You need to start being responsible for your own actions, and stop putting the responsibility of keeping vows, etc, on your wife. 

She can make decisions on her own and you cannot control her.
You are both adults, and I have a feeling you are coming to her from a childish point of view...your wife wants an adult. You might want to start there.


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## tryingtocope (Apr 10, 2009)

As a wife, in my second marriage, which is in it's 11th year, I feel like I might have some insight as to where Matt's wife might be coming from. My husband has not "cheated" but has broken my trust in many ways; promises not kept, disappointments, hiding this or that. It puts me in a position where I feel like I am being a fool, walking around thinking everything is okay when it's not. No one wants to be made a fool of and that fear is usually what makes people afraid to extend their trust.

Additionally, when I try to talk to my husband about things on a personal level, even if he has ASKED me for my opinion or perspective, he argues with me, won't hear me, won't respect my feelings. He frequently cuts me off or shuts me down because my feelings make him feel guilty, or helpless, or its just uncomfortable to be open with emotion. Which, to me, says he is more interested in how HE feels than in how I feel - his needs supercede mine. 

I find trying to interact with him on anything beyond a day-to-day superficial level very stressful. I can't make myself heard or understood, I don't feel valued or honored, and the only way for things to be "okay" again in his mind is for me to stop talking. So I have. I'm not sure it's right - doesn't feel like it - but at least it is less stressful.

Does that offer any insight?


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## matt (Apr 2, 2009)

Yes it does. I have been dealing with this for ten years and have been to counseling twice before but it didn't deal with my personal issues which I am dealing with now. I totally understand the difficulty in trusting someone again and understand how she feels and does not want to feel. I know it is hard but if he will talk you should talk. If he is being demeaning find someone to be a mediator (counselor) who is trained in such situations. Thanks


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Matt,

Based on 10 years big guy, the advise here is telling you "time to let go" will you be doing this another 10 years and do you expect your wife to waste away at the same time. Do you not think there is going to be a time when she will seek pleasure outside of the home. Why for you to state no is quite unfair to both of yourselves.

I wish you best of luck but a decade is long enough.


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## BIGJ (Mar 12, 2009)

matt said:


> My wife refuses to talk. I broke her trust and we have been having issues off and on for ten years. I do not want to loose our marriage and I hope she doesn't either but we need to talk. She avoids anything that has to do with repairing our marriage. Help please


Maybe if you didn't "break her trust", she would talk to you? I dont understand people, I really dont. If you're unhappy...leave the marriage/relationship.......dont let toxic **** ruin your lives.


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