# Made a huge mistake...I want him back!



## made_mistakes (Nov 17, 2009)

It's been a week since he left... I try to stay strong, but the emptiness inside is so overwhelming. I am glad there are people here who listen and don't judge.

Here is my story. Married for 2.5 years, together 3.5 years. He is 14 years older, with 3 kids from previous marriages. I am almost 7 months pregnant with my first baby. 

We have had our share of ups and downs. We started trying for a baby right after getting married and lost 3. Finally, we concieved by in-vitro and she is doing great so far. With the stress of all the losses we have gone through, our relationship became very strained. Being very insecure and older, he always accused me of being unfaithful. We fought a lot.

When I learned I was pregnant, he checked out for a while. I had a confrontation with his older daughter (she was wrong) and he was never there to support me. I get it, he had to defend his child, but I felt so alone...an outsider. Things got so bad, he requested I leave (7 weeks pregnant). So applied for medical license in the state where my family lives (I'm a physician) and started getting ready to move. I have no friends or family where I live now. I also contacted an old friend, who lives at home...a friend from the past...a male friend. He is in a relationship but was having trouble. We started talking and got very emotionally close.

We eventually met and started having feelings for each other. I truly thought I was in love with him, and he was so nice and offered to help me with a baby. The feeling I had went away soon. I realized I kept talking to him to feel an emotional void, not because I was in love. In the meantime, my relationship with my husband became much stronger, we were happy. God knows why...I continued to talk to the other guy. I stopped saying "I love you", but I kept the relatnioship going. I was getting to the point of cutting it off (there was never physical infidelity), but then his girlfriend found out and forwarded all our e-mails to my husband. Every single one of them.

He saw them a week ago. He moved out. He initially demanded that I leave and stay in a hotel, but then came to his senses, given that I am 7 months pregnant. He wants nothing to do with me or the baby. I realized I made a huge mistake, but a little too late. I love my husband more than anything in the world, he says he loves me too, but can never move past this. He refused to go to therapy. He is adamant it is over.

It's only been a week and he is insisting on filing for the divorce. He wants this done by the end of the week. I keep telling him that being in a state of shock I am, I am incapable of thinking of dividing our property, etc. I am so hurt and full of shame, guilt. I wish I could take his pain away. I wish he would give us a second chance, but he has been betrayed before by 2 ex-wives...he knows the feeling and he does not believe a word that I say.

I want us to try to work this out so bad! For the sake of our unborn child. But he wants me gone right after the baby is born. I would have to move back with my family and raise this child without a father.

I take full responsibility for all of this. But...I love him so much, and even though I have made a huge mistake, I would be willing to do anything to try and work through this. The trust is lost, but I would work really hard to help him find it again. He won't hear of it. He wants out. Rushing to file paperwork and get everything resolved.

Please give me some advice. I really want to stay married to him. I know I have hurt him so much but I also know that he loves me...and I love him to death. The other relationship was a huge mistake, and I would never leave my husband unless he asked me to. I don't know if I should force myself to start planning to divide our property etc. Do ask him to wait and give me time, hoping he will change his mind? Please...I'm sorry this is so long, but being completely alone, without friends and family...I could use any advise.

Thank you.


----------



## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

This is so hard. I am sorry about what you are going through. It's mistakes like these that make it difficult. All I can see is don't amke it worse. Just go through the motions and if he does file you need to get a lawyer. Give him every opportunity to see you ok with the divorce and that your going to be ok. The more you fight the more anger he will have. He's hurt bad and to him this is again and again. So you will have a tough battle because of his past. Hang in there.. Remember to take care of yourself and your unborn child..


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I'm not sure I see the connection between his being older and insecure. My ex-husband is 13 years older than me and he was never insecure. Could it be that you gave your husband plenty of reason to be insecure? 

Have you considered therapy in an effort to sort out why you are where you are? Saving this might be a positive, but it might not. There's a lot of damage in such a short amount of time in such a young marriage... 

What's his background? You suggested he was married >1 time before being married to you. Is that the case? Why did his marriages end?

Did he really want another child?


----------



## made_mistakes (Nov 17, 2009)

Yes, I did give him the reason to be jealous. I am always surrounded by men at work and they always tell me that I'm beautiful. I thought he would enjoy that, but instead he grew more and more insecure. We stopped going to all the social functions because he felt out of place.

I am going to go through therapy and I do have some issues of abandomnemnt, that I think cause this need to arise...to be constantly loved and adored and told that I am beautiful. I know there is a lot of work ahead...to work on myself.

He has been married twice before. First time, because he got her pregnant and stuck around until their daughter got older. She got pregnant with his son (after telling him she had a hysterectomy) and he walked out on her. The second marriage ended because she was simply mentally unstable. She walked out on him with a newborn baby.

This is a really screwed up situation. I feel like I need to uncomplicate my life, but at the same time, this overwhelming feeling of guilt...like I am responsible for my unborn child growing up without her father. I also love him... To death.

Thank you for listening


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

And does he want this child, too?

Why would you think that other men talking to you in a way that you shouldn't allow at work would be something he'd enjoy? You're the one getting off on the attention -- and it explains the other man, too. You're very needy. Treating him like that is not what I'd consider love. 

I wonder if you are more interested in having him back because he's finally gotten sick of your behavior. You say you love him but I don't see it and it is not surprising that he doesn't, either.

All you can do is ask him for time and then figure out why you are so selfish and needy that you'd do so many stupid things while at the same time bringing a new life into this world. You need to get your sh*t together because your child is going to need a solid person to raise him/her whether or not there is a father in the picture. So get over yourself and start to deal with what is ahead of you. You don't have a lot of time before the child will be born. Take care of business. Your marriage either will work out or end, but you don't have time to sit around feeling guilty about what you did in the past. All you can do is move forward. Your child requires it.

Apparently you can commit to something (school) so use that same commitment now to put yourself on the right track.


----------



## made_mistakes (Nov 17, 2009)

Wow...tough love I guess. Thanks for the "support".


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Well, you know you have it in you. You just gotta do it!

Have you looked into therapy yet?


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Made Mistakes, that is Dobo. She tells it like it is. Listen to her she is telling you the truth. You may not see it, but she is and she is being supportive. If there were more women out there that just said what they want and what they mean, there'd be better relationships every where. And I'll include men with her. I don't always agree with Dobo, but you know where she stands. And that is a plus in my book.


----------



## made_mistakes (Nov 17, 2009)

Doing that as we speak. I am trying to be honest with myself and get to the root cause of why I act the way that I do. It is very difficult to concentrate on when my husband is pressuring me to decide what couch I want... I have asked him for more time, I hope he grants me that at least. In my own...maybe f..ed up way, I do love him.


----------



## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Feelingalone said:


> Made Mistakes, that is Dobo. She tells it like it is. Listen to her she is telling you the truth. You may not see it, but she is and she is being supportive. If there were more women out there that just said what they want and what they mean, there'd be better relationships every where. And I'll include men with her. I don't always agree with Dobo, but you know where she stands. And that is a plus in my book.


Could you imagine Dobo and me as friends?? Man we would have some brutally honest discussions but neither of us would be really hurt cause we know what we are getting. Would be freaky.. :rofl:


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I know LH I've thought about that and made myslef laugh or was that cringe.


----------



## made_mistakes (Nov 17, 2009)

I have been asking him for time. He wants to protect his kids. I am staying at the house that is his (bought before marriage), while he is out. I offered to be out every other weekend (when kids visit) so that not to disrupt their lives. That does not seem enough for him...he wants to file...right now.

I understand where he is coming from. But I do not want to make big decisions about property division and such when I am still in shock and trying to deal with all this internal turmoil. I think he will file regardless of what I want...


----------



## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

made_mistakes said:


> He has been married twice before. First time, because he got her pregnant and stuck around until their daughter got older. She got pregnant with his son (after telling him she had a hysterectomy) and he walked out on her. The second marriage ended because she was simply mentally unstable. She walked out on him with a newborn baby.
> 
> This is a really screwed up situation. I feel like I need to uncomplicate my life, but at the same time, this overwhelming feeling of guilt...like I am responsible for my unborn child growing up without her father. I also love him... To death.
> 
> Thank you for listening


First off, you need to get yourself together, you are caring a child right now and yes you are going through a horrible situation but right now the other thing that matters is what you are carrying inside.

Second of all the fact that he has been married twice before has numerous other children doesn't speak well for him...you said that he has been lied to by two other woman, apparently he didn't learn his lesson the first time and try to choose someone better. And his second wife? Do you know for a fact that she was emotionally unstable or is that just what he told you. And yea you met another man and started a relationship but didn't he tell you to leave when you were 7 weeks pregnant? 

This man sounds a lot like my ex-h 

Your a physician right? You have a great job, sounds like you look great, get to therapy, work on whatever issues you think may have contributed to this mess, take care of your child...sorry it really does sound like yea you messed up but it looks like this man is just looking for another way out.


----------

