# Am I wrong for not feeling bad about getting a divorce?



## Keedy (Aug 6, 2011)

Here goes....my soon to be ex-spouse and I are at the beginning of a divorce. At this point I'm waiting on him to be served, but we stay in the same home until things are finalized. He's accused me of sleeping around, he's constantly calling me names, and he's just been acting like an ass about everything. I'm tired of everything always being my fault. He makes me feel small and inadequate a lot. So now I'm just ready to move on from his negatively. I'm ready for peace of mind. So, my question is, is it wrong to feel excited about moving on? I'm always stressed, he chooses not to communicate with me, only when he wants to blame me for something. I guess I'm just tired of the bs. So please give me thoughts and opinions anything is welcomed. 

Thanks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Keedy said:


> Here goes....my soon to be ex-spouse are at the beginning of divorce. I'm waiting on him to be served, but we stay in the same home until things are finalized. He's accused me of sleeping with other men, called me names, and just is acting like a total ass about everything. I'm tired of everything always being my fault. He makes me feel small and inadequate a lot. So now I'm just ready to move on from his negatively. I'm ready for peace of mind. So, my question is, is it wrong to feel excited about moving on? I'm always stressed, he chooses not to communicate with me, only when he wants to blame me for something. I guess I'm just tired of the bs. So please give me thoughts and opinions anything is welcomed.
> 
> Thanks
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 So long as your conscience is clear (Free from infidelity) and you did everything you could to work on the relationship, I'd say your a okay on this. Better this way than the others that are posted around here. Kudos to you for being honest with yourself.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

No I'd be excited to move on to if my husband behaved liked this. Hopefully you don't have children that will be effected by this divorce.


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## Faithful123 (Oct 29, 2014)

He is emotionally abusive and is broken, he needs help, but that's not your issue. Look after yourself and be careful not to develop a victim mentality in this, it is easy to slip into. The sooner you get out the better for your well being. Also balance you behavior and don't allow yourself to be too angry, assertive if what you need to be, try and find that balance. 

It sounds to me like from what I have read that you may have some underlying self esteem issue, probably exacerbated by his abuse. I would recommend to IC for yourself to manage your feelings of inadequacy. His behavior conditions you to think you're no good, but heres the thing, you are good.

It sounds a little from what I can see that you are actually suffering and your post looks like it may be masking that hurt a little. My advice would be that confide in a close friend or IC and talk out your hurt and feelings, cry when needed and so on. Repressed feelings are extremely detrimental to your recovery. Make sure no matter how hard it is you feel things, just don't let it consume you.

Adopt the 180 for yourself and start focusing on yourself more. Detach as much is possible from him that will stop you suffering.

Good luck with your journey. Rest assured you will be ok....


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## delupt (Dec 1, 2014)

I too am on the edge of a divorce and also already feel better about a long-term bad situation coming to a long overdue end. I agree with others that suggest that so long as you have tried many routes to salvage a working relationship and have not cheated, then yes, this is a step forward. 

I've spent 3 years battling to get something workable; improved myself, done IC, finally 'obliged' my wife into 1 year of MC (after 2 years refusal), etc. The divorce papers are already in my hand and will be served in early January (after holidays), and I'm not ashamed to say I am slightly looking forward to it!

That said, I'm not fool enough to think it wont be a terrible 6 months of tantrums, fits and accusations, but the 180 will keep me strong and focus my anger appropriately into something I can use.


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## ChristianGrey (Nov 27, 2014)

Don't let me give you any ideas.

The Divorce Party Planner - Media


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Why would you feel bad? You are releasing both of you to find more naturally compatible partners. He should thank you for your leadership!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Your feelings are your own.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

I guess you should mourn the death of the relationship a little, but if you gave it your all and he wouldn't do anything to resolve the issues, you are entitled to feel some relief because the end of the bad situation is near.

I think your euphoria of determining a solution might be masking some of the pain. Perhaps write down some of your emotions, rationales, thoughts today so you can revisit them if the feelings of regret start to emerge later on or if he changes his tune at the 11th hour.

best wishes


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

I felt the same way after my first divorce. My wife cheated, she wanted to be single again and knew that was one thing I couldn't tolerate, she filed first, just to make sure that she was set free. We tried to stay in the same house and wait through the proceedings, but after a few months of not talking, sleeping separate and me babysitting, while she bar hopped, I had to get out.
I packed up all my stuff one night while she was gone with our two young sons, left a "Congrats on your freedom" note to her and felt a mix of happiness and sadness as I left. 8 years of mostly happiness was hard to swallow, but it was time for a new beginning.
I knew deep in my heart that I did everything possible.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Keedy said:


> Here goes....my soon to be ex-spouse and I are at the beginning of a divorce. At this point I'm waiting on him to be served, but we stay in the same home until things are finalized. He's accused me of sleeping around, he's constantly calling me names, and he's just been acting like an ass about everything. I'm tired of everything always being my fault. He makes me feel small and inadequate a lot. So now I'm just ready to move on from his negatively. I'm ready for peace of mind. So, my question is, is it wrong to feel excited about moving on? I'm always stressed, he chooses not to communicate with me, only when he wants to blame me for something. I guess I'm just tired of the bs. So please give me thoughts and opinions anything is welcomed.
> 
> Thanks
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds like my life. Our marriage had been going downhill for a while, mostly due to my husband's recent paranoia, insisting I had been cheating, running around while he worked nights, etc. All completely untrue and ridiculous as well. I am disabled from chronic pain and it is all I can do to get through the days.

Anyway, I went to visit family in mid-December and while I was away, he emailed me that he wanted me to move out. I felt so relieved and excited, I should be ashamed. I did not want to be the one to bring it up as I knew he was having emotional/mental health issues. But I had daydreamed of living alone in peace, in a fresh clean apartment (instead of a falling down house, leaking roof, over-cluttered, etc) and that is exactly what I am doing now.

I returned from my trip on a Sunday and had signed a lease by Wednesday, moved in on the Thursday. It was a great feeling. We have managed to stay cordial so far (just a few emails, have not seen or spoken to him). Hope it stays cordial, but who knows. I am meeting with a lawyer today, as I need to get our finances severed. He is likely to pay bills late, etc...and I don't want to end up with bad credit, if possible.

But bad credit is better than a bad marriage...I was so tense and stressed for ages and now am content and relaxed in my minimally-furnished, clean little apartment, with my cat.

So don't feel guilty, lol...sorry to ramble but I know what you mean about thinking you should feel bad. Maybe that will come later...but right now, it all about relief and peace of mind.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Are you wrong to feel bad?
Or not feel bad?

Well let’s look at it. 
On the one hand you may feel bad for having broken your vows, but it sounds like he has done enough to warrant that. He doesn’t sound like a nice person at all and I know I would get tired of it pretty quick.

You are about to enter into a swirling vortex of emotion and strife. Hurt feelings will abound and victim stances will be exposed. All manner of tactics will be brought to the table in an effort to save something that means two entirely different things to each partner.
I usually lean towards counsel and MC, but if you feel like you REALLY did your best and it can’t be righted...then you are free to "not feel bad."

Your feelings will change many times in the next few years and you will have moments where you don’t actually know what you are feeling.
That’s the point where you have to rely on your logical brain to guide you through things. Feelings can be very powerful and are actually designed to override the logical brain in some circumstances.
Don’t let them.

Think rationally and be aware that there will be times where all you want is to have it go away.

That’s OKAY.

You will weather the storm.

If you want to feel bad, because some people need penance, then feel bad that you allowed yourself to NOT see this man for what he was before you committed to him.
Take your time and don’t be pressured into a new relationship until you figure out what happened in this one. Tune your man picker a little more and then try again if you want.

At the end of the day, if you can look in the mirror and answer the one question then you are doing the right thing. Just look in the mirror and ask yourself “Did I do everything I could reasonably do to participate in the relationship?”
If there is one thing I have learned from my experience, it is that some things TRULY can’t be fixed.
You can’t beat yourself up about it.
I’m not saying be callous or uncaring, but set a limit and stick to it.
You can’t continually save a person who insists on the deep end even though they can’t swim.


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