# Should I be considering divorce or try to work it out?



## Eatcake (Feb 1, 2015)

My husband and I have been married for almost a year, but we have known each other and dated for 8 years. We're now 27/28. Things were much simpler and I guess we didn't think too much back then. We love each other alot and have been through alot as well. We thought that if we are together we can accomplish anything, and we're able to put up with alot of our flaws. But since we're married, we also have more responsiblities. 
I had alot of tolerance back then, and I realized that there are things I must act on if I want to make myself happy. One of the biggest concern I have is that my husband spends more time on misc things while complaining about not having time for himself and for us, because if other people ask for help or something comes up he sometimes spends hours or half a day on it instead of finding ways to shorten it or just say he has things to do. His schedule on the weekends are already short just because he cannot wake up early. I have try telling him this, and he agrees but he just doesn't know how to priortize. 
He doesn't have many friends, and the friend that he still hangs out with is a freeloader that owes him a grand. He is aware of the friend being a jerk, but he's willing to put up with him because he feels like he's the only one really willing to talk to him because he's not a people's person. I do have him hang out with some of my friends, but I guess they're not 'his' friends. 
His mom and sister lives in Ukraine, and we send they money every month ever since the moms husband(not related to him or the sister) left her a year ago. The mom doesn't work because of a mild disablity, and the sister is about 17 has always been spolied, even though their support is from us. There's many problems that goes about which stresses my husband out, but he chooses to always do things his way and won't listen to what other tells him if it's not what he wants to hear. I have told him he can't sit on it and continue to send too much money just because he wants them to have a better life if they don't do anything with their lives and this becomes a dependency issue, and they also added a bf into the picture that can barely support himself. But every time I bring about the idea of cutting down, he accuses me of wanting to let them starve. It is selfish of me to think that, but that's what everyone has been suggesting, and we're not rich enough to sustain this in the long run. These are just the 3 big things that bothers me.
Ofcourse I'm not without flaws, but it's just increasingly difficult to focus on my life and our life if the other one is not quite there.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

This is an issue that faces individuals with families aboard. How much money can you send that will not interfere with the running of your household and future plans. Your husband is feeling guilty that he has and they don't. You both need to sit down and discuss your plans for now and the future. Draw up a budget of household expenses. Talk about the cost of having a child and buying a house. How will your incomes pay for all this and send money back home. Discuss with him his sister's plans for the future since, he cant keep providing for her forever. How much should he send back home now to care for only his sister and mum.
Talk to him, don't accuse him of not caring for you or make it seems like you are attacking his family. View it as an us issue. Let us work on it. 

Maybe your husband is one of those people who needs a clear plan of action to do things. Help him to say "no" to request that takes him away from you guys. Build his self esteem, let him know you care and appreciate him. All the time. You are a team. Everyone else outside of your little circle comes last. Keep taking him out, let him mingle with family and friends. You build his social skills little at a time. At parties don't leave him alone, guide him thru it.

Get him to go therapy to deal with his inability to focus and his need to sleep so much. Have him get tested for ADD. Work with him, sometimes, as wives we have to lead and steer our spouses to where we them to go. Takes time and effort but the rewards are great.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Hi Eatcake Have things gotten any better? perhaps you need a way to blow off steam and tell ur H how you feel? Is he the type of person who would understand u better in a letter?


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

People do pay money to buy friendship and since this is a loan I wouldnt worry too much about it.
Sending money to family in the east is quite common. It is unlikely you will make him stop it. It is his earned money. Forcing him on your friends doesnt work. Not let him sleep in is also not right.
It seems you live for the future whereas he doesnt but lives from day to day. You are scared what the future will bring. I dont know what to say to that and how to reconcile this.
Your biggest concern is that he does things for others and not for you. Maybe they praise him more than you do.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You should set a budget that includes a set amount you send his family that you can afford. And stick to that budget and refuse to give him more than that.


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