# How do I grieve but not give up entirely on love?



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Hello All - Firebelly back again. I have (mostly) extricated myself from my rebound by moving to a foreign country (Canada) and am now finding myself feeling the feelings I would have felt had I not distracted myself with that. 

Still love my husband but realizing more and more that our marriage was never that good and that love is not enough. I think the hardest thing for me is just starting to not believe in love or my ability to recognize it. I feel LOVE for my husband who was kind of a jerk to me and I feel NOTHING for the rebound who was a classic nice guy and would do anything for me and was completely sensitive to my needs. 

Maybe the bottom line is that I don't trust myself to pick the right partner now, and that sucks. I feel like I just want to crawl into a hole and never date again but that thought makes me really despondent. Any thoughts welcome.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long in between the end of your marriage and the rebound?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

2 months. Embarrassingly.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If that's your biggest embarrassment in life, you're doing great. Give it time. Focus on being happy without a partner. 

Thus speaketh the guy who started dating two weeks after separating... 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

There's a part of me that really wants to do that and there's another part of me that's still feels like no matter how much time I have to meditate and write and do all the things I thought I never had time for, life is empty without a partner. What if I get too happy being alone? (I have to worry about something. )


----------



## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

You have to heal first and this takes time. For me, my healing has consisted of meditation, yoga, writing (keeping a journal is excellent), reading self help type books. Also fun things like socialising, meeting new people, try new things, getting into old hobbies. You might be lonely occasionally- good friends are a help her, or meet some- meetup.com is amazing. But you will also find you like your own company and being able to call the shots. I think you'll know when you're ready to date,when it's not about you needing someone or being lonely and wanting someone to fill the gap, but when you know it's because you have taken the time to heal yourself and learn from your experience, and are a whole person ready to share your life with someone else. Two months is way too soon to be dating IMO. You're not over your ex yet, you have to learn to detach and let go. When you finally let go of the rope, you will be ready for your new life. This might seem a tough thing to do, and it isn't easy but you will be so much stronger and truly it will be the making of you. xo


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Belly,

Have you had individual counseling?


----------



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Yes - I have had individual counseling. Strong encouragement to just be on my own for a while. Breaking up with the rebound was supported by my therapist. I've had to take a job in Canada as I was fired in December and it was the first job offer I got. The move has gotten me away from my ex and from the rebound and I do see that as a good thing. 

My tendency has been to go on Match.com or something when I get lonely and I really do realize right now that I need to NOT do that. Being in Canada with a three year job commitment also helps that. I'm going to want to go back to the U.S. and not get stuck here in a relationship with a Canadian. (Sorry Canadians.) 

Which is different for me - I've always been a romantic. My younger self would have said "But what if he's your soul mate? What if your soul mate is Canadian?" My older, still freshly separated self is saying, "Eh. I married the guy I thought was my soul mate. Look how that turned out." Not so sure on the soul mate thing. I can love lots of people, let's stick with Americans. Which gives me three years to get my **** together. I just need a strategy for when i get lonely. Meetups are good - I've joined a couple of writing meetups and will be joining a recreation center soon.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Stay away from those Canadiens


----------

