# Told me and filed same day....



## Meagain17 (Sep 20, 2017)

My husband called me and told me he wanted to divorce, said he was going to file. Little did I know it would be not even 2 hours later he was at the court house filing the paperwork. I was served that night with the paperwork. We've been separated for a month, he was supposed to be getting help for his mood disorder. He went from not wanting a separation or divorce to cold, callouse and saying he wasn't even in love with me the last few years. He said we just don't fit and never should have married in the first place. I gave this man everything I had, was there for him in every way. I've been sick myself the last few years and upon the news of all this I had a very minor stroke.. but a stroke none the less. I'm only 41 years old. I called him to tell him they were transporting me to the hospital by ambulance and all I got was a "keep me posted". After eight years and if the rolls reversed I would have at least called the hospital or him the next day to make sure he was ok. I think I'm in shock to realize that he could care less whether I'm even alive or dead and I did nothing to this man but be supportive of him and deal with his constant emotional and early on physical abuse in our relationship. How can you spend that much time with someone and literally shut them off like they never meant anything to you at all?! This was my second marriage, his first. I still keep in touch with the father of my kids from my first marriage and when he had emergency stuff I called and checked up on him. It's really making me feel almost suicidal at this point. I don't want to and I wouldn't hurt myself, it's just he isolated me from family, friends, everything and was constantly creating drama in our home. But then would be the most romantic, loving husband on the planet. Like a Jekyll and Hyde... He had finally admitted to needing help and treatment and that things had to change. I finally put my foot down and set boundaries. I guess in a way I'm glad I know now what he really felt about me, but at the same time it hurts so much not to have answers to so many questions. Thanks for letting me get it all out, well some of it anyways... I'm just really hurting. Any advice or similar stories would really help me right now.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

He sounds awful, why are you measuring your self worth by a moody *******? My God women you have kids. Enough with his nonsense you need to be strong for them. There is better out there, right now you are just dealing with the attachment you have had, but just tough it out, there is better out there for you.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

When someone is a jerk/a**hole.... it's better to let the questions go. 

Maybe there is no reason for him to go about the divorce the way he is.... but really, he is doing you a huge favor. 

He has no respect for you (and probably not for himself)...and is unsupportive of you, so he can't possibly love you, not the way you want him to. 

My ex was such a crappy schmuck. When he left, snuck out, he told me how much he loved me and how I was the best thing that ever happened to him but he just didn't want to "do this" any more (after 23 years and 5 kids). I told him it really didn't matter, that he didn't know HOW to love someone and that I'd be just fine. I was 43.

He did me an awesome favor. See, I was supportive of him too...I would have hung in there for who knows how long. My life has been wonderful since the day he left. A calm fell over the household. No more walking on egg shells wondering how things were going for him, how we should behave or treat him. Just a decent simple life. My little mantra was "F*ck you, and thank you". 

And it just kept getting better. I met a guy online. Moved 1100 miles away to be with him. My kids all moved here later...followed mama.  Been with this 2nd h for 11 years now and it is amazingly awesome. 

Sooooooooooo....all that to say....let him go. Find your support system. Maybe Divorce Care in your area? Pick up an old hobby that you enjoy. FIND friends. If you don't know how.... then volunteer. Helping others helps you feel good, and keeps your mind busy, builds self esteem, etc... Reclaim your life. Find your happy place...or places! Google "positive daily affirmations". Pack up every single thing that is even remotely his. Reclaim your home also. And your bedroom.... paint, new bedding, whatever makes it YOUR oasis. 

Walk, jog, exercise, join a bowling league....

There is alot that you can do to feel better. You just have to start doing it!


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

He has a mental problem.

Bipolar?

You will be better in the long run.

Wishing you get better from your stroke.

Pick up some new inrerests keep busy in time you will realize its for the best.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I know it hurts -- believe me -- but you will very likely never have answers. And even if he gave you what you thought were answers there is no way to know if what he says is the truth. 

Separations are very often an excuse to see someone else. Whether he is or he isn't, he's decided to quickly move on. It's better not to have it drag out although I'm sure you feel blindsided -- understandably. 

Make a plan for life without him. See yourself happy in that new life.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Meagain17 said:


> My husband called me and told me he wanted to divorce, said he was going to file. Little did I know it would be not even 2 hours later he was at the court house filing the paperwork. I was served that night with the paperwork. We've been separated for a month, he was supposed to be getting help for his mood disorder. He went from not wanting a separation or divorce to cold, callouse and saying he wasn't even in love with me the last few years. He said we just don't fit and never should have married in the first place. I gave this man everything I had, was there for him in every way. I've been sick myself the last few years and upon the news of all this I had a very minor stroke.. but a stroke none the less. I'm only 41 years old. I called him to tell him they were transporting me to the hospital by ambulance and all I got was a "keep me posted". After eight years and if the rolls reversed I would have at least called the hospital or him the next day to make sure he was ok. I think I'm in shock to realize that he could care less whether I'm even alive or dead and I did nothing to this man but be supportive of him and deal with his constant emotional and early on physical abuse in our relationship. How can you spend that much time with someone and literally shut them off like they never meant anything to you at all?! This was my second marriage, his first. I still keep in touch with the father of my kids from my first marriage and when he had emergency stuff I called and checked up on him. It's really making me feel almost suicidal at this point. I don't want to and I wouldn't hurt myself, it's just he isolated me from family, friends, everything and was constantly creating drama in our home. But then would be the most romantic, loving husband on the planet. Like a Jekyll and Hyde... He had finally admitted to needing help and treatment and that things had to change. I finally put my foot down and set boundaries. I guess in a way I'm glad I know now what he really felt about me, but at the same time it hurts so much not to have answers to so many questions. Thanks for letting me get it all out, well some of it anyways... I'm just really hurting. Any advice or similar stories would really help me right now.


*I hate hearing about your plight!

Having said that: Why on earth would you ever consider living with someone who clearly does not love you in return?

Counter file! You'll feel much better!*


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## Meagain17 (Sep 20, 2017)

Thank you All so much! I will be counterfiling ang tho it's unlike me I will be cutting his feet out from under him! Feeling this beat down and seeing strangers have nicer things to say gave me a boost! Although my health may take time to heal, and I imagine my heart and soul too at least I can start somewhere now. I do expect I will have moments of doing ok and moments of sheer breakdown but I guess I gotta start somewhere, no time like now right?!


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Meagain17 said:


> He was supposed to be getting help for his mood disorder.


MeAgain, the two most common causes of mood changes are _hormone change_ and _drug abuse_. Given that your H apparently is not a drug abuser and is not exhibiting a sudden hormone change, it seems unlikely they are a source of his instability. I therefore note that the two remaining common causes of strong mood changes are _BPD_ (Borderline Personality Disorder) and _BP_ (Bipolar Disorder). Significantly, you do not seem to be describing warning signs for bipolar. 

Instead, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., the physical and verbal abuse, controlling attitude, temper tantrums and drama, lack of impulse control, black-white thinking, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll and Hyde -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your H has full-blown BPD. Only a professional can determine that. Instead, I'm suggesting that he may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.



> After eight years.... I did nothing to this man but be supportive of him and deal with his constant emotional and early on physical abuse in our relationship.


Intense, inappropriate anger is one of the nine defining traits for BPD. If your H is a BPDer (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum), he carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. 

Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of the anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in less than a minute -- oftentimes in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

For these reasons, the _physical_ abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD. 



> But then would be the most romantic, loving husband on the planet. *Like a Jekyll and Hyde*.


BPDers can flip -- in less than a minute -- from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing you). And they can flip back again just as quickly. These rapid flips arise from _"black-white thinking."_ Like a young child, a BPDer is too emotionally immature to be able to handle strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate). A BPDer therefore has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of close interpersonal relationships. 

He therefore will categorize everyone close to him as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And he will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. This B-W thinking also will be evident in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...." Because a BPDer's close friends eventually will be "split black," it is unusual for a BPDer to have a really close long-term friend (unless that person lives a long distance away).



> How can you spend that much time with someone and literally shut them off like they never meant anything to you at all?!


As noted above, a BPDer can flip between adoring you and devaluing you (indeed, even hating you) is only ten seconds. It happens so quickly that it seems like he has thrown a switch in his mind.



> I guess in a way I'm glad I know now what he really felt about me.


No, if he actually is a BPDer, his current display of feelings tells you little or nothing about "what he really felt" about you. As noted above, a BPDer is too emotionally immature to tolerate ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of close interpersonal relationships. His subconscious solves this problem by "splitting off" the strong conflicting feeling, putting it far out of reach of his conscious mind. This way, he only has to deal with one intense feeling at a time.



> It's really making me feel almost suicidal at this point.


If you really have been living with a BPDer for 8 years, it is not surprising that you feel like you may be close to losing your mind. Because BPDers typically are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths. 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the _one most notorious _for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning. 



> He isolated me from family, friends, everything and was constantly creating drama in our home.


If he is a BPDer, that behavior is to be expected. A BPDer has such a great fear of abandonment that he will perceive abandonment threats even where they don't exist. And he will tend to perceive your wanting to spend time with friends or family members as you choosing THEM over HIM.



> He had finally admitted to needing help and treatment.


When a full-out crisis occurs, a BPDer may suddenly become self aware of his issues for a day or two. These are called "moments of clarity." My BPDer exW, for example, had about 5 or 6 such moments during our 15 year marriage. They had no lasting effect whatsoever.



> Any advice or similar stories would really help me right now.


My advice is to see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you've been dealing with for eight years. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psychologist, you read about BPD warning signs to see if most apply.

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your H exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do. 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot -- especially after you've been dating for two years -- because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your H's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking him back and avoid running into the arms of another man just like him.

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_ to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, MeAgain.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Hallelujah, he is setting you free! I know this is painful, even when you are the one who wants the divorce, it still hurts. Just know that you are on your way to a much happier life than you have been living. I'm sorry this is happening, but it sounds like it really is for the best, you deserve better than what you have been getting from him.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> Hallelujah, he is setting you free! I know this is painful, even when you are the one who wants the divorce, it still hurts. Just know that you are on your way to a much happier life than you have been living. I'm sorry this is happening, but it sounds like it really is for the best, you deserve better than what you have been getting from him.


This is so true.

You are too nice, too forgiving, too kind and proper to dump him outright. Even if this is what you should do. 

He did it for you. 

He cut the thorny vines that bound you. 

Those puncture wounds that remain will heal.

You will heal...he cannot.

He is broken and missing key components. Components of self discovery, self intro-inspection. 

The scab that was him fell off. Leaving a scar, that fresh air and sunlight will rend invisible, come next year or so.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

BPD

Big Purple Dimwits.

Purple faced......Their shallow throat choked off by their fat, selfish tongues.
The oxygen to their brain pinched nearly off.

Their Significant Others, SO, given insignificant anything....of significance.

A one-sided life with a lop-sided person.


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## GoingCrazyNow (Jun 28, 2017)

SunnyT said:


> My life has been wonderful since the day he left. A calm fell over the household. No more walking on egg shells wondering how things were going for him, how we should behave or treat him. Just a decent simple life. My little mantra was "F*ck you, and thank you".
> 
> And it just kept getting better



This is me talking about my WW - Life is great now that I told her to GTFO!


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## LaReine (Aug 14, 2017)

Hey Hun
It sounds like you never truly believed him- never believed he could hurt you, never believed he would leave you.
Very classic in abuse situations.

You will be fabulous without him. He can only drag you down.

I won't lie, it will feel like hell to get to the other side of this. But it will be worth it. ❤


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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