# Husband had affair with ex-wife, help!



## Andi72 (Jun 12, 2016)

My husband came to me and stated he had feelings for his ex-wife November 23rd of last year. He said he wanted our marriage to work. On November 6th of last year, the ex had just separated from her current husband. She invited my husband and step-daughter to dinner alone. I wasn't aware of this until I text him at 11pm asking where he was. I told him if he'd been drinking to not come home. The next morning we agreed to go to counseling. Went to my 10 year olds birthday party and then he went out with friends after. He claimed his ex wasn't going. Told me he was staying the night at his friends Aaron's house. Went to counseling and things seemed to be going well. Said he did not have sex with ex-wife. Found out from a mutual friend who went out with them that night in April that ex-wife had went with them that night. Confronted husband and asked if he had anything else to tell me. He said no! Found out 4 days ago that he spent second night at ex-wife's house without daughter present. I asked if they slept in same bed. He said they slept together on pull-out couch both nights. Still claims they did not have sex. He text me from her bed that his friend Aaron was bringing him home. Flat out lied to me, while in her bed next to her. We have 2 sons 10 & 7, how do I handle this? I'm lost and hurt!


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

I am so sorry you are here and that your husband has been cheating on you. It is such a betrayal. You have some decisions to make now about your marriage. I will tell you that there is no doubt that your husband did not have sex with her. Do you believe him when he says this to you? They were married to each other and he had feelings for her again. Two adults who spend the night together are having sex; much less a former spouse. He lied about the friend bringing him home but was with her. What direction do you see your marriage going here knowing all this?


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## Andi72 (Jun 12, 2016)

I don't want to leave. The ex has since moved to my small town and opened a business. He doesn't speak to her. She actually sent me a message asking how it felt to be second best only because she said no.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

As I mentioned in your other thread, you should stick to a single thread.

Cross-posting...



GusPolinski said:


> He's lying. They had sex.
> 
> How much do you know about the conditions under which they divorced?
> 
> You mentioned that you have a 10-year-old, but also mentioned that the two of you have a 10-year-old son; is this the same child or are you talking about two different 10-year-olds? (ETA: Nevermind, you answered this in your last post.)





> We dated two years before marriage, married for 10 years. He was married to ex for 5 years. They have two daughters, 17 & 14 (the 14 yr old lives with us, *the 17 yr old with her soon to be ex-dad*) we have 2 boys together, 10 & 7. I work full-time.





GusPolinski said:


> Huh?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Andi72 (Jun 12, 2016)

"We dated two years before marriage, married for 10 years. He was married to ex for 5 years. They have two daughters, 17 & 14 (the 14 yr old lives with us, the 17 yr old with her soon to be ex-dad) we have 2 boys together, 10 & 7. I work full-time."


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## Andi72 (Jun 12, 2016)

Sorry, I was told to start post here!


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## Andi72 (Jun 12, 2016)

Husband and ex divorced because she cheated on him. She also cheated on current husband (different incident then my husband) serial cheater.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

His two daughter's are elsewhere. That is a good thing.


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## Andi72 (Jun 12, 2016)

Yes, when ex moved out of current husbands house she did not take her 17 year old with her or her 6 year old with current husband. My husband talked to step-dad and agreed they didn't want to disrupt her last 2 years of high school. We are giving him support for daughter, but ex gives no support for any of her 3 children. Ex moved to my town to live with man she met and opened a business. Difficult to not run in to her. Town has a gas station, no street lights, and Mail goes to PO Box because not big enough to deliver mail.


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## Andi72 (Jun 12, 2016)

17 year old went to live with ex at 13. She let her do whatever she wanted, and I didn't. Ex gave husband custody of girls when she moved 1 & 1/2 hours away to love with current husband. Had joint custody to that point.


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## Andi72 (Jun 12, 2016)

Sorry, live. Girls were 7 & 5 at the time she left them.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Andi72 said:


> I don't want to leave. The ex has since moved to my small town and opened a business. He doesn't speak to her. She actually sent me a message asking how it felt to be second best only because she said no.


She didn't say no. Why does she care so much that she feels the need to contact you and say that to you? If he isn't speaking to her, she must feel like you are still some kind of competition for his attention. I know you want to believe him-but really what is your gut telling you?


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## Andi72 (Jun 12, 2016)

I don't believe they didn't have sex. I don't know what her deal is. She's living with a man in my town, currently. Has left for 2 week vacation in Hawaii, and has 14 year old opening, running, and closing her business 3 hours everyday she is gone! I don't even know if this is legal. Waiting on Department of Labor to let me know.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Andi72 said:


> I don't want to leave. The ex has since moved to my small town and opened a business. He doesn't speak to her. She actually sent me a message asking how it felt to be second best only because she said no.


I might have said something like...

"You tell yourself whatever you need to feel better about yourself, you serial cheating skunt."

That would be skank and c... well, you know. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

Andi72 said:


> My husband came to me and stated he had feelings for his ex-wife November 23rd of last year. He said he wanted our marriage to work. On November 6th of last year, the ex had just separated from her current husband. She invited my husband and step-daughter to dinner alone. I wasn't aware of this until I text him at 11pm asking where he was. I told him if he'd been drinking to not come home. The next morning we agreed to go to counseling. Went to my 10 year olds birthday party and then he went out with friends after. He claimed his ex wasn't going. Told me he was staying the night at his friends Aaron's house. Went to counseling and things seemed to be going well. Said he did not have sex with ex-wife. Found out from a mutual friend who went out with them that night in April that ex-wife had went with them that night. Confronted husband and asked if he had anything else to tell me. He said no! Found out 4 days ago that he spent second night at ex-wife's house without daughter present. I asked if they slept in same bed. He said they slept together on pull-out couch both nights. Still claims they did not have sex. He text me from her bed that his friend Aaron was bringing him home. Flat out lied to me, while in her bed next to her. We have 2 sons 10 & 7, how do I handle this? I'm lost and hurt!


Your hubby is a bad person. He's a liar and a cheater. File for divorce and set yourself free from this liar and cheater. Life is too short to spend it with a liar and cheater.


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## Andi72 (Jun 12, 2016)

I would, but with 2 sons and 2 years of him being unemployed I would never be able to support myself and sons. I'm so far in debt. He's currently unemployed, so I would get no support from him!


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Why is he unemployed? OK, you live in a small town but do you have a car he can drive to work? 

BTW, you already get no support from him, yet he eats right? 

How about you get divorced and part of that settlement he takes on all the debt? 

@Andi72 we know you are hurting. What is it you are looking for? It is not an emotional affair. He was physical with his ex. He cheated EVEN IF they really just slept in the same bed.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

Andi72 said:


> I would, but with 2 sons and 2 years of him being unemployed I would never be able to support myself and sons. I'm so far in debt. He's currently unemployed, so I would get no support from him!


He's unemployed. You're already not getting support from him. He's just an extra mouth to feed. A cheating mouth at that. Sounds like quite a champ. His cheating skank ex has him wrapped around her finger. He sleeps in a bed with her and they don't have sex? Really? When he claimed that you didn't burst out laughing in his face? You can stay and suffer or kick him to the curb and set yourself free. You'll find better.


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## Andi72 (Jun 12, 2016)

I pay $600 a month for insurance for him, myself, and 4 children. That wouldn't stop until divorce is final.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Andi72 said:


> I pay $600 a month for insurance for him, myself, and 4 children. That wouldn't stop until divorce is final.


Ok? But you're already paying it and he pays NOTHING. So nothing changes. Except one less mouth to feed and less toilet paper to buy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Andi72 (Jun 12, 2016)

He does get unemployment. I would have to have 2 months rent and pay utilities. Plus feed the boys. Can't do that on $590 every two weeks!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Hon, you're making excuses because for whatever reason you're not ready to divorce him. 

That's ok, this can happen on your timetable. 

Just think about the real reason you want to hold onto him. You're already getting nothing from him, there's no way you'd be worse off and you know it. 

So why aren't you ready? 

And fyi, the longer you make excuses while he's unemployed the more likely he can ask for alimony.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Andi72 (Jun 12, 2016)

I don't know why I'm not ready to leave.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Back to the question. What did he do before and why does he not work now? That is relevant to this thread. Is there no work in your town? Or would he rather just sit back, collect unemployment and have you support him and his daughter (she is innocent)?

BTW, he had no problem finding money to drink in Nov or April and no problem finding transportation to the ex's house, who I assumed then lived in another town. Maybe he can get a job working at the bar he was drinking at...


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Andi72 said:


> I don't know why I'm not ready to leave.


Yes, you do know. We can guess, probably pretty accurately, but let's hear it from you.


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## Andi72 (Jun 12, 2016)

I don't want to live without my children. I did not decide to have them to have them spend every other weekend and half the summer away from me. Or worse, every other week if he gets joint. He was working until the end of April.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Andi72 said:


> Husband and ex divorced because she cheated on him.


Based on his behavior, that's what I figured.


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## Andi72 (Jun 12, 2016)

Why do you say that? About his behavior?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Andi72 said:


> I would, but with 2 sons and 2 years of him being unemployed I would never be able to support myself and sons. I'm so far in debt. He's currently unemployed, so I would get no support from him!





Andi72 said:


> I pay $600 a month for insurance for him, myself, and 4 children. That wouldn't stop until divorce is final.





Andi72 said:


> He does get unemployment. I would have to have 2 months rent and pay utilities. Plus feed the boys. Can't do that on $590 every two weeks!





Andi72 said:


> I don't want to live without my children. I did not decide to have them to have them spend every other weekend and half the summer away from me. Or worse, every other week if he gets joint. He was working until the end of April.


Sorry, I cannot help here. I am confused. You said he was unemployed for two years, but now it was only since April. You pay $600/month insurance but only make/take home $590 every two weeks? You said you cannot afford to divorce but now it is because of custody concerns.


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## Andi72 (Jun 12, 2016)

It's a little of all those things. In the 13 years we have been together he has been unemployed a total of 2 years. He's had 9 different jobs.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Andi72 said:


> It's a little of all those things. In the 13 years we have been together he has been unemployed a total of 2 years. He's had 9 different jobs.


That helps, thank you. Does he have trouble keeping jobs? Was he often fired? Is alcohol a problem, or anger issues? Trying to get from you if he is stable enough to hold a job. Does he have a set of skills to maintain employment?


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Look up codependence... You dont need to keep him around, yet you do. Figure out why you are codependent.


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## Andi72 (Jun 12, 2016)

He does have issues keeping jobs. He has depression and anger issues. Not towards the kids or me, but he doesn't take kindly to someone threatening to beat his [email protected]!. He cursed at this person and told him to go home, they both were fired. He does trapping for counties and makes money doing that.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You are not ready to kick him out. I understand that. Your heart is broken and you still love him and he's your husband and you just want things to go back to before this homewrecker came on the scene.

I get it. He has broken your heart and now you are trying to cope.

You can help yourself get ready to kick him out, though, by training your mind (and heart!) to detach. If you follow the 180 in a disciplined way, you will feel MUCH better.

Please read this and try to implement it:

The Healing Heart: The 180

Best of luck! I'm very sorry for your pain.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Andi72 said:


> He does have issues keeping jobs. He has depression and anger issues.


Ok, you have health insurance. Can he get help for depression? You might be able to see a primary care doctor for about $120. The meds are generic and should be reasonable cost, especially if it helps his depression so that he can get a job.

Does he care enough to go for help or is he too proud?

Do you have an employee assistance program through your employer in which he might get a few free therapy sessions?

Is he actively looking for work or siting on his butt? What is he doing all day while you work? Cleaning the house? Household chores? Or siting on his butt and drinking with friends.

Or and most importantly, related to title, does he have a cell phone? DO you have this passwords and is he fully open to you on his texts, emails, messages, phone calls? 

Is he still talking to his ex? Especially when you are at work and he is at home (maybe.).


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Andi72 said:


> He does have issues keeping jobs. He has depression and anger issues. Not towards the kids or me, but he doesn't take kindly to someone threatening to beat his [email protected]!. He cursed at this person and told him to go home, they both were fired. He does trapping for counties and makes money doing that.


You're in love with a narcissist. He has all the symptoms of narcissist personality disorder. I dated one of these types, they are all alike. They lie the same way. They cheat the same way. They are ''depressed and angry'' and have struggles with hanging onto employment. It's all the same man, at the end of the day...

You are co-dependent, which is most likely why you can't leave him just yet. Figure out that end of it. You will never ever figure him out, but you can figure out why you are dependent on this type of a man. Understand you don't want to have partial custody with your kids, etc...but living like this just flat out sucks. You will probably be a happier mom if you are away from this toxic guy.

Highly recommend researching NPD. It will help you a lot to learn what you have been dealing with, and his ex w sounds like she is one, too.

Praying for you. ((hug))


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## Andi72 (Jun 12, 2016)

He's not a drinker and is making pretty good money with trapping. He has taken medicine before for depression.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Have you had STD tests, yet?


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## Andi72 (Jun 12, 2016)

No, just found out about the 2 overnights in same bed on Friday. Plan on doing that next week.


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## Andi72 (Jun 12, 2016)

He does not talk to ex and I have full access to all his accounts.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Andi72 said:


> No, just found out about the 2 overnights in same bed on Friday. Plan on doing that next week.


No sex with him at least until the test results are in.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
You are married to a very immature individual. The sad reality is that he will in all probability remain that way for the remainder of his life. There may be minuscule improvement over many years but nothing can be done to effect immediate improvement. He displays all of the traits that one would expect from an angry adolescent.

The odds of your marriage improving are extremely slim, approaching impossible. I know you want to be a full time Mother but you must also consider the influence this man will have on the children and what they will "learn" from him. Is there any possibility that you could attempt full custody?

His mindset will tire easily of having children around to babysit when he wants to be out playing himself, he may be amenable to it. In any event I fear if you remain in this marriage you will experience more of the same throughout your time with him.


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## Andi72 (Jun 12, 2016)

No, he has never tired of having his daughters. It would be a lengthy, expensive fight!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sorry Andi that you find yourself in this place.
You may not want rid of him now but in time the resentment will build and it will not make for a happy marriage
Is there any way you could go see an IC for yourself to help you deal with your own feelings in this?
You must get your ducks in a row because it is unlikely he will stop this with the ex wife esp if she is still in town

1. do the 180
2. collect some evidence, VAR in his truck, etc (look up evidence thread)
3. Get some IC for yourself
4. Tell your friends and family what he has done and they can also keep an eye - if all in same town
5. Take care of yourself, start to detach from him
6. start putting money aside (he doesnt know about) and up your hours at work if possible
7. read Melodie Beattie's Co-dependent No more to see why you are still hanging on
8. if you want consider MC as a final try at the M, if he doesn't want to go then you know he is not interested in changing things
9. Go gym, join women's groups, church, etc do something for yourself

Get yourself to a place that you do not need him. YOu can do this


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

aine said:


> 6. start putting money aside (he doesnt know about) and up your hours at work if possible
> 
> 7. read Melodie Beattie's Co-dependent No more to see why you are still hanging on


Andi, 

#6 is very important.

#7 is great. I am codependent and I am reading this book now. It will open your eyes.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Andi72 said:


> No, he has never tired of having his daughters. It would be a lengthy, expensive fight!


This is not a reason not to co-parent, remember you will need a break now and again too, esp if you are a working single parent. Organise yourself first, there is no reason why you cannot co parent amicably. He may well tire of doing so, if he has no income and has to travel, take them out, etc. Dont use this as a stumbling block.


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## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> That would be skank and c... well, you know.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That has a very nice ring to it, fits well too.

OP, you gotta use skunt


Sent from my Z936L using Tapatalk


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## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

He is unemployed, you are unemployed and both of you are paying support to his daughter's ex-stepfather.

And your worried about how you will survive without his contribution to the marriage should you divorce him.

Ummm.... @Andi72, for back down to Earth and let's discuss your financial situation so we can get you out of this marriage.

Sent from my Z936L using Tapatalk


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## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

Getting full custody shouldn't be all that hard once you show the court that the 17yr old is being raised by an ex stepfather and not her own biological father.

This guy has kids all over the place.

I would fully expect that you will be granted full custody of the children.

Sent from my Z936L using Tapatalk


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Andi72 said:


> Why do you say that? About his behavior?


She cheated on him. Now he's trying to prove something to himself. Like it or not, when you're cheated, you cannot help but believe you may be the problem. Ego goes in the toilet. If he can get back in her pants, it "proves" he's not all that bad. The way you describe him, he does sound like a bit of a ne'er-do-well.

BTW, the next time his ex says to you you're in second place, tell her with as easy as she fawns all over men and easily puts out, and its hard for a moral, well mannered and classy woman to compete with a hoe that knows her way around a pecker like she does when a guy just wants to get laid.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

see next post


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Andi72
I understand that you are worried about the custody of your children and are in a financial bind. In addition, I would assume you are too emotionally dependent on a damaged man, your husband. You are in very tough spot. If you can get better situated with custody and your financial situation then you should leave as soon as possible.

If you are trapped at this time then get a long range plan. Your youngest child is 7 years old and in my state the child can choose who he/she wants to live with at age 13. *You need to set a long range plan. That plan should include winning the hearts and minds of your children and you becoming stronger emotionally and financially*. When that occurs you should leave your husband as he is a loser. Your husband cannot keep a job and will betray you and his children so that he can be with his ex which is a woman that will voluntarily give up her own children. Your husband has very low integrity and will betray his family for a woman of very low character.

You can hope that your husband makes a complete turn around and becomes a man that has much more integrity, makes up to you and your children for his betrayal, and will keep a job that can help support you and his children. However, your husband is not a teenager or even in his 20s and has some very negative traits (anger, dishonest, liar, failure at jobs, low integrity, a betrayer of family, etc.) that he has had for some time. Having those traits for a long time makes it very unlikely that he will break them completely. If you are a person that lives life by taking the path that has the best chances of improvement then I would say that staying with your husband is a very poor risk.

I know that you are in a very tough spot but make a chart about your husband. Put on that chart his good points and his bad points. Look at the chart and decide if your life will be better with him or without him now or in 3-6 year from now. Six years is enough time for you to get yourself in much better position so that you can have a much better life without him.
*
Do you have a better plan? What plan do you have?*


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sometimes an ex can get it on in this way. 

Why? They know all the buttons to push and they know what gets their former partner going, sexually.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

And sometimes MM, the chicks have the experience to size up the button on most men who may be interested. I have a friend that was a call girl before marrying and settling down for money and love. She could tell you the body language, (the way she moved her legs, tits and azz) that would peak the guys interest and use his body language and expressions to judge the next step. She was a pro. Everytime I see her husband he's still smiling like a jackass eating briers.
I suspect our girl Andi's ex-wife in law has the know how and experience to have a wrap him up like like a grandkids birthday present.


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## Andi72 (Jun 12, 2016)

She is definitely a hoe! I have a full-time job that I have worked for 18 years this November! Husband was suicidal at the period she *****d in and acted like she cared! He was unemployed and I was on him about cleaning, getting a job, and taking medicine for his depression. We had not been intimate in quite some time at this point. After all hell broke loose, she sent him a message telling him she would destroy his pathetic life. I think this was a revenge pity, to gain control to ruin him. It didn't work! I stayed and that prompted the text of second best. She cheated on him, racked up $10,000 in credit card bills, and cost him his VA loan status because we had to short sell the home they shared! She had a man take her to Mexico for her 30th birthday, current husband took her to Jamaica, New York, and Las Vegas, new boyfriend has her in Hawaii right now! She will cheat on him eventually, just as she did my husband and her current husband. Found out her mothers IQ is 69 and she is a product of incest (yes, grandpa raped momma and along comes ex-wife) she told a friend while drunk who told me. When I informed her of this rumor, she posted a statement on fb, not denying the possibility, but calling me an evil, heartless *****! Now this message was private and she decided to share it with her 1200+ friends. Including friends of her own daughters. They now have to live with this shame! I apologized to them for what happened, but she never will! Her end result was trying to make me look bad, regardless what it did to herself or her own daughters! She's an ugly person and my husband is ugly for doing me the way he did!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Why is there even a question here?? DIVORCE HIM!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> Why is there even a question here?? DIVORCE HIM!


^^^ I second this emotion!


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

How did you stay with a guy like this for so long? Was it an attraction to a bad boy. Many woman are attracted to men that have that "I don't give a fvck " attitude. Well he really doesn't care about you and all you've done over the years.

Sorry to say but he is bad news. To play you out with his obviously low life ex is so jacked. You carried his @ss for way too long. You now have to put yourself and kid 1st. No more time or energy to waste with someone who can betray you like that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> You pay $600/month insurance but only make/take home $590 every two weeks?


And you said you've been at this job for 18 years and you only bring home about $17,000/year before taxes?

This makes no sense.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Andi72 said:


> He's not a drinker and is making pretty good money with trapping.





> He does get unemployment.





> . He's currently unemployed, so I would get no support from him!


Which is it - he makes money or he doesn't?


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## Andi72 (Jun 12, 2016)

You people are brutal! My take home pay is $590 bi-weekly because of all my deductions coming out. Husband gets $290 a week in unemployment. His trapping income is something that isn't guaranteed and couldn't be considered until the end of the year and is dependent on the amount of beavers (yes, I get the pun) the counties have in a year!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So you two are basically bringing home the same amount each week. Actually, he is bringing home MORE. At least until his unemployment runs out. So he COULD be supporting the kids.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

With taxes gross could be $25,000+/yr.


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## Andi72 (Jun 12, 2016)

Could you live off of $800 max every 2 weeks with 2 children to support?


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

There are financial resources, there are shelters. Point is you are selling your soul for comfort and your husband is the devil. 

Seriously, if you want out a person could move mountains, but Andi....you are afraid. Call it what it is...If you can accept that of your self then okay. I get it. Just dont be floating down the river of De,nile.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

If you talk to a lawyer or get free legal advice, they might point you in the right directions. But you are not looking?


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