# Does anyone else get ghosted alot while talking to potential partners?



## huebnem

I don't know if is the digital age or just that they are playing around with options but this happens to me a lot. Great or at least good conversation and then nothing...just dead silence. This isn't just online it is in person too. The in person ones are the worst because months later we will see each other and I get the BS line of "oh hey...how come we never hang out?".

It could even be me at this point I don't know. All I know is that every time it happens it pisses me off more and more. Even if I don't like someone I still feel as though a last word or a warning is the right thing to do before you stop communicating. 


Is this dating now? Like, just filter through until you find something shiny and toss the others aside?


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## Ynot

It might be you, it might not be. But either way consider it a gift. If the other person isn't into you because of who you are or because of who they are, you are better off not connecting with them at all.


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## NextTimeAround

huebnem said:


> I don't know if is the digital age or just that they are playing around with options but this happens to me a lot. Great or at least good conversation and then nothing...just dead silence. Just have to accept that there are a variety of acceptable AND unacceptable behaviors. but for a couple of reasons I would not call them cowardly for not being direct with you. My advice is to think back to your interactions with this person and see if they said something that now comes across as a hint. Or if there were a flash of emotion that you just dismissed.
> 
> 
> This isn't just online it is in person too. The in person ones are the worst because months later we will see each other and I get the BS line of "oh hey...how come we never hang out?". I hate insincerity as well. Some people just can't stand the silence and will say anything. If you want to have some fun. hand them your contact details and tell them to contact you.
> 
> It could even be me at this point I don't know. All I know is that every time it happens it pisses me off more and more. Even if I don't like someone I still feel as though a last word or a warning is the right thing to do before you stop communicating. They may have given you one and you just missed it. Learn to sharpen your intuitive, empathetic skills. The alternative is, do you want people hassling you asking why you dropped them and accusing you of not giving them fair warning. It's not fun being on the other side of that equation.
> 
> 
> Is this dating now? Like, just filter through until you find something shiny and toss the others aside?


How old are you? People still in their 20s are trying to develop their own standards. It's easier for them to walk away from something because they don't know how it feels to be in the other position and they also believe that there are endless opportunities so they don't need to worry about how to end things "with class" so to speak.


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## Satya

I'm generalizing a bit here, but I think you'll find that many people in this age maintain an "arm's length" approach to relationships. If you don't get fully invested, you can't get hurt, etc. It's an unfortunate product of the age we live in (instant gratification, "easy-mode," a culture of social media that couldn't be more disconnected, etc.) There are also peer influences, children from divorced parents now grown up and unwilling to go through the ordeals they once did, etc. Many things paint a kind of "doom and gloom" picture if you allow it.

It's a legitimate fear. No one wants to pour their heart and soul into a potential mistake, or waste time with an unworthy person. It's the risk that we either agree to take or not in relationships. The important thing before dating is to know what kind of relationship you are searching for.

Are you looking to have no strings attached (a bit of fun)?

Are you looking for something long term or short term?

Are you looking for someone that you can just do "fun stuff" with, but maintain relative independence?

Are you looking for someone you can deeply and intimately connect with?

Are you looking for a combination of the above...?

Etc....

It's possible to find precisely what you're looking for... after all, the world is full of all sorts of people and you're bound to find someone with similar goals and values. I can personally attest to this. I actually found exactly what I was looking for twice in my life. Once, when I was much younger and had a different mindset, and once again about a year and a half ago. In both instances my desires were very different but at the time I was very confident of what I was looking for. 

If you know that the person is just not going to align with you, then I think "ghosting" tends to happen. Many men ghosted me, and I thought I was getting along with quite well with them! Then, looking back, I realized that my personality was their assurance that I was not what THEY wanted. Rather than just tell me (I don't bruise all that easily), they would fade out.I never took it personally. Many men (and women) don't have the confidence to just say "I'm not feeling it" or similar. I would actually have *more* respect for a guy telling me that he's not feeling it, but I can understand that some people might be more sensitive to rejection.


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## MRR

Yes I would definitely not take it too personally, however I also am turned off by getting to know someone digitally. Yes, when OLD some contact is needed but I would move to in person right away and determine if you want to go further. Over communication with someone I do not know sends a bad signal to me though I NO DOUBT was guilty of it right after my divorce. 

It is HARD to tell someone you don't want it to go further. I have had a few OLD 'meet ups' the last year and all were very nice but some I had to say after, hey it was nice meeting you. I don't really feel the chemistry but good luck. 

Or so forth. Not easy for either party but MUCH better than dragging it out and finding yourself in a situation where you started dating even though you weren't really into it and then had to back-track once you realized it. Some people will continue to go on dates even if they are not totally excited, just because they do not want to be alone or for something to do. I would rather be 'ghosted' than spend time on someone with the impression they are really excited about it when they are not. 

In any case, unless you are coming off like a crazy person, it almost certainly is not personal which means your anger is a waste of your own energy.


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## Rowan

I am really not bothered at all by prospective dates who ghost when we're still in the chat/text/email stage before a first meeting. I don't let that phase of things go on for more than a week, maximum, in any case, so it's not like there's much in the way of entanglement. To me, that's just a signal that I wasn't what they were looking for. I've also had men just fade out after a first meeting/date. Again, it's usually apparent there's no chemistry being felt by one side or the other, sometimes both. Ghosting at that point, while not ideal, also doesn't really bother me. 

I don't ghost, but I'm not particularly offended by men who do it in the early stages. A lot of people just aren't comfortable with even the minor level of potential conflict inherent in saying, "I've enjoyed meeting you, but I don't think we're a good match," to their date. 

When I do think ghosting is a really icky thing to do is when you've been dating for a while. That, in my opinion, is just not okay. Sure, it's a clear sign that person's not the right one, but there a host of less asshat-y ways to accomplish a breakup.


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## FalconKing

You have some really great insights given by other posters. I would say don't take it personally. I know it sucks when you are really into a person and suddenly they just stop talking to you or responding to you. Honestly you'll find that many people just are attention vampires. They are not even looking for anything at all, they just like to know that many people are investing their time and attention into them. I am on a few dating sites and I often see people linking their instagram and snapchat info on those sites. I was on tinder and some girl was actually advertising her photography business. ON TINDER....:wtf:


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## huebnem

Thanks guys...I try not to take it personally but it tends to happen sometimes.

I just deleted all of my dating site profiles (NOT out of anger) so I really don't know if this is going to be an issue for the near future. I THINK that I am fairly good at judging someone on their mood or reactions but even if I am that doesn't give me perfect accuracy.

For those wondering, the ghosting usually took place in the middle of a normal conversation. I am still stationed in South Korea so mostly I was just looking for friends or people to talk to. The last 3 ghosts happened when we were discussing career goals or favorite foods and the last was about kayaking trips we have taken. It was not about love, relationships, or anything really serious. Best case would be that I would have had a friend to go kayaking with of pig out on good food when I get home.


I get what you guys are saying about short term relationships vs. long term relationships...but I still think it is a rude move no matter what. I've met drunk people at a smoking area in -10*F that have carried on better conversations!


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## 3Xnocharm

I admit that I have been guilty of ghosting. Usually after a first meeting/date where I felt zero connection. Most times they did not contact any more either, so clearly there was nothing there for either. I have tried communicating before to let someone know that I wasn't feeling it and it didn't go so well, so I hate to say the ghosting just works out better.  

I am in agreement with those who say to meet in person as soon as you can. It sucks to keep messaging for weeks with someone who you think you are connecting with, only to meet in person and find out that there is nothing there. Waste of time all around, in my opinion.


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## 3Xnocharm

Hope Shimmers said:


> I just got "ghosted" by a guy I was in a (serious) long-distance relationship for several months. To say that it's hurtful and humiliating to realize that you weren't even worth four seconds of time to send a text and say SOMETHING... is an understatement.


Now THIS is a flat out sh!tty thing to do. Wrong on all levels. Sorry that happened to you! :frown2:


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## Ynot

3Xnocharm said:


> I am in agreement with those who say to meet in person as soon as you can. It sucks to keep messaging for weeks with someone who you think you are connecting with, only to meet in person and find out that there is nothing there. Waste of time all around, in my opinion.


Or that they are not who or what they claim to be.


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## joannacroc

Ynot said:


> Or that they are not who or what they claim to be.


Exactly! For some reason I see a lot of guys who post a really old photo of themselves as in over 15 years old. And then you meet in person and they look completely different. Why even bother? Surely you want someone who is attracted to you as you are now? For some reason though some people I have contacted seem to want to chit chat first online for a bit. I get that impulse, but it feels like a waste of time after a while.


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## Ynot

joannacroc said:


> Exactly! For some reason I see a lot of guys who post a really old photo of themselves as in over 15 years old. And then you meet in person and they look completely different. Why even bother? Surely you want someone who is attracted to you as you are now? For some reason though some people I have contacted seem to want to chit chat first online for a bit. I get that impulse, but it feels like a waste of time after a while.


I agree. I had a woman contact me a few weeks ago. Her profile said she was fit and trim. So we text back and forth, eventually talk on the phone and set up a meeting for a few drinks. In the course of our conversation she starts to tell me how she is going to have to have her knee replaced. I am thinking "Okay, it must be from some physical activity" then she tells me she is not a petite woman. Again I think "okay she says she is 5'10" so I get that". Then when we meet she turns out to be built like a middle linebacker. She was probably at most 5'6" and weighed at least 220 lbs. The knee replacement was because she was overweight. I just don't understand it. Which is why I am becoming convinced that the only way to meet people is just to get out and live your life.


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## free2beme14

I thought this just happened to me, I even made it as far as someone asking me to dinner and when I go back in it says "account disabled". I have had one person who did tell me that I was not what he was looking for and I appreciated that. But man its rough out there....


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## FalconKing

free2beme14 said:


> I thought this just happened to me, I even made it as far as someone asking me to dinner and when I go back in it says "account disabled". I have had one person who did tell me that I was not what he was looking for and I appreciated that. But man its rough out there....


I feel like this thread could really become a place to vent frustration with dating woes in the internet/social media era .

One thing that drives me crazy is when i'm talking to someone and in the span of 5 days they probably write me once or twice. I'm interested but they are moving things insanely slow. It's never worth it.


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## Ynot

I think OLD is one of those modern issues we have to deal with. I am not convinced it is the way to go. On the one hand, it allows you to cast a wider net. But that wider net catches a lot more than what you may be fishing for, so to speak. In your "catch" most all of them will be self identified as single and looking for a relationship of some kind. That relationship may or may not be what you are looking for. It takes some thick skin to sort thru your haul to toss out the junk fish and find the keepers. Many of those on the other end are probably doing the same thing. It might their perception of what you wrote or yours of their response to you. Some people just scream of desperation, you may be giving that vibe or maybe you aren't and that is what they are looking for. On the other hand there is probably quite a few just dipping their toes in the water and they get some sense of validation when they get replies. They are more than happy to play along, up to the point of actually following thru, because they have already gotten what they are looking for. 
I do know that many of the women I have met who post old photos from ten to 15 years ago when they were 20 to 30 lbs lighter are really just trolling for sex. It seems that these same women, once you meet them, make it very clear that nothing is off limits. But then maybe that is just me, since I am such a catch anyways ?


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## Ynot

FalconKing said:


> I feel like this thread could really become a place to vent frustration with dating woes in the internet/social media era .
> 
> One thing that drives me crazy is when i'm talking to someone and in the span of 5 days they probably write me once or twice. I'm interested but they are moving things insanely slow. It's never worth it.


Yes, in the virtual world, you aren't there to see what is really going on and can only ponder the possibilities. Are they really that busy? If so would they even have time for a relationship? Could I keep up? How would that work? Are they juggling multiple opportunities? Am I paln c or d or e? Is it just posing? Are they just acting like they are busy because if they don't they will seem desperate? Your mind can drive you crazy if you let it. Your best bet is to let it come to you. If it is meant to be, it will be. Get on with your life and take it as it comes!


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## free2beme14

I've been witty and charming in my profile, and I honestly think (and know I have done it too) that people only look at your pictures. They don't read anything you write. Of course, I love the bear cubs (20 years younger) who message me because they have "never been with someone my age". Oh sweetie, you are the same age as my son I won't do that. 

Going to worry about my Advanced Finance final tonight and not my sad OLD life right now


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## FeministInPink

Ghosting is just plain rude, and I've had a fair amount of it done to me. I mean, seriously, how hard is it to say, "I think you're a great person, but I'm not feeling the connection here" and then move on? I mean, I've had guys set up dates and then ghost. I've shown up for dates where we were texting that very day, and he just doesn't show and I don't hear from him again. Seriously? WHO THE FVCK DOES THAT? 

To be perfectly honest, over the last 18 months, since I started dating again, I have gone out with only one decent guy. ONE. And I didn't meet him through OLD. I'm convinced that there are very few, if any, men of integrity and decency on OLD and who are looking for an actual relationship. (Present company excluded, of course.) I'm sure there are plenty of "nice guys" doing OLD who don't understand why they're single. But I've become convinced that I won't find what I'm looking for via OLD, and I've decided I'm done with it. I deleted my Tinder account, I deleted my Plenty of Fish account, and I will be deleting my ******* account in the near future. (I've decided to give one final guy a shot on OKC, and I'm shutting that down regardless of what happens with him.)


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## Ynot

FeministInPink said:


> Ghosting is just plain rude, and I've had a fair amount of it done to me. I mean, seriously, how hard is it to say, "I think you're a great person, but I'm not feeling the connection here" and then move on? I mean, I've had guys set up dates and then ghost. I've shown up for dates where we were texting that very day, and he just doesn't show and I don't hear from him again. Seriously? WHO THE FVCK DOES THAT?
> 
> To be perfectly honest, over the last 18 months, since I started dating again, I have gone out with only one decent guy. ONE. And I didn't meet him through OLD. I'm convinced that there are very few, if any, men of integrity and decency on OLD and who are looking for an actual relationship. (Present company excluded, of course.) I'm sure there are plenty of "nice guys" doing OLD who don't understand why they're single. But I've become convinced that I won't find what I'm looking for via OLD, and I've decided I'm done with it. I deleted my Tinder account, I deleted my Plenty of Fish account, and I will be deleting my ******* account in the near future. (I've decided to give one final guy a shot on OKC, and I'm shutting that down regardless of what happens with him.)


People keep suggesting MeetUp and I am becoming a believer based on my recent experience. One problem I have found is with the "singles" groups. Basically you are identifying yourself as available and looking, which means that almost everybody there will be in the same boat. I have found that at most of the "singles" events I feel as though I am either being auditioned or need to pull back so as to not give the impression that I am interested. 
OTOH I have just attended some simple meetups centered around something besides being single. I went to beer lovers meet up, it was about enjoying craft beers. The fact is that most everybody there was single, but they were there to enjoy the beer and the vibe I got from most of them was very different than that at a singles event. You could just talk about the beer and not get the feeling that you were being checked out or be checking them out. There were no expectations other than to experience the beers.
So my advice would be to just go out and explore your interests, along the way you will meet a lot of people that share your interests and one of them may develop into more.


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## FeministInPink

Ynot said:


> People keep suggesting MeetUp and I am becoming a believer based on my recent experience. One problem I have found is with the "singles" groups. Basically you are identifying yourself as available and looking, which means that almost everybody there will be in the same boat. I have found that at most of the "singles" events I feel as though I am either being auditioned or need to pull back so as to not give the impression that I am interested.
> OTOH I have just attended some simple meetups centered around something besides being single. I went to beer lovers meet up, it was about enjoying craft beers. The fact is that most everybody there was single, but they were there to enjoy the beer and the vibe I got from most of them was very different than that at a singles event. You could just talk about the beer and not get the feeling that you were being checked out or be checking them out. There were no expectations other than to experience the beers.
> *So my advice would be to just go out and explore your interests, along the way you will meet a lot of people that share your interests and one of them may develop into more.*


I've already been doing that, for 2+ years. And have come up with nothing. And I'm freaking exhausted, to boot. I'm an introvert. 

I swear to god, I'm not normally this pessimistic. I'm just frustrated and really freaking horny, with no relief in sight. I have a date tomorrow night (maybe, I haven't heard from him in two days, I think he might be ghosting me, which is one of the reasons I'm p!ssy right now), and my girlfriend is like, "Don't sleep with him on the first date! Make sure he takes the time to get to know you first." And the first thought in MY mind is what if there isn't a second or third (or however long is the appropriate time to wait) date? Then I have missed out on sex, and I'm back at the drawing board again, even hornier than before. And I'm already clawing at the walls as it is right now.


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## Ynot

FeministInPink said:


> I've already been doing that, for 2+ years. And have come up with nothing. And I'm freaking exhausted, to boot. I'm an introvert.
> 
> I swear to god, I'm not normally this pessimistic. I'm just frustrated and really freaking horny, with no relief in sight. I have a date tomorrow night (maybe, I haven't heard from him in two days, I think he might be ghosting me, which is one of the reasons I'm p!ssy right now), and my girlfriend is like, "Don't sleep with him on the first date! Make sure he takes the time to get to know you first." And the first thought in MY mind is what if there isn't a second or third (or however long is the appropriate time to wait) date? Then I have missed out on sex, and I'm back at the drawing board again, even hornier than before. And I'm already clawing at the walls as it is right now.


If I lived closer to you, I'd help you out but alas I live miles away! HAHA. Good luck. Don't give up, it will happen when it happens.


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## FeministInPink

Ynot said:


> If I lived closer to you, I'd help you out but alas I live miles away! HAHA. Good luck. Don't give up, it will happen when it happens.


Ha ha ha, thanks!!!


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## huebnem

FeministInPink said:


> I've already been doing that, for 2+ years. And have come up with nothing. And I'm freaking exhausted, to boot. I'm an introvert.
> 
> I swear to god, I'm not normally this pessimistic. I'm just frustrated and really freaking horny, with no relief in sight. I have a date tomorrow night (maybe, I haven't heard from him in two days, I think he might be ghosting me, which is one of the reasons I'm p!ssy right now), and my girlfriend is like, "Don't sleep with him on the first date! Make sure he takes the time to get to know you first." And the first thought in MY mind is what if there isn't a second or third (or however long is the appropriate time to wait) date? Then I have missed out on sex, and I'm back at the drawing board again, even hornier than before. And I'm already clawing at the walls as it is right now.



Sounds like we are in the same boat...but I am an introvert stationed in South Korea so meeting people in person has become extremely hard.

Sure the juicy girls pay attention to me but we all know what they want. The sad part is that I have had more interesting conversations with juicy girls and they actually remember my name even after a month of not seeing me in the bar!


I deleted my online profiles because I felt that it wasn't working when I didn't make sex my first objective. I pretty much missed out on sex because I wanted conversation, which made me miss out on conversations because they wanted sex. The best thing about my online profiles ended up with me being more content that my life (not including me sex life) was way more on track than I thought.


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## FeministInPink

Yeah, same boat. I deleted mine this week. I don't know where I'll meet potential dates now, but I wasn't getting good ones via OLD, so I don't think I'm missing much!

Sent from my SM-G900T using Tapatalk


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## gouge_away

I deleted mine this week.
I have the numbers of 2 women and have been in contact with them both. One I met last weekend, something was off about her during the hour we met for a drink. She just didn't seem comfortable, or interested in me.
I didn't contact her for 2 days, and when I finally did just to say "thanks for meeting me out, have a nice day." She was all of a sudden very interested in me.

The other woman and I really have great conversation, I plan to meet her soon. Eventually I'm going to have to focus on one and drop the other, I haven't decided who or how I will go about doing this. Ghosting is not an option.

Online Dating is a social experiment, one that nobody has mastered. The anonymity; along with hundreds of other variables, make it very easy to avoid attachments to the thousands of others trying capture interests.

Sometimes others come along that seem more interesting for that moment, that doesn't mean that anybody is more or less interesting, just that in that moment somebody else peaked. When that happens, others are forgotten, don't take it personally if you get ghosted, it just means that for a moment someone else was more interesting, they too have and will be ghosted.


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## huebnem

I miss the online drama and the other random, funny moments that would happen.

I got set up with a female in person but I don't think it is working. I get more excited for a new pair of boxers or when Raining Blood comes on than I do at the prospect of hanging out with her. We were totally cool when we just hung out in the group but after like, 2 days it just went poof. It doesn't help that she makes plans with me, then another set of plans, and then I'm left hanging like and idiot.

I'm not very good at this dating thing. I just want to sit in my room eating pudding cups and drinking whiskey while listening to metal...


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## FeministInPink

huebnem said:


> I miss the online drama and the other random, funny moments that would happen.
> 
> I got set up with a female in person but I don't think it is working. I get more excited for a new pair of boxers or when Raining Blood comes on than I do at the prospect of hanging out with her. We were totally cool when we just hung out in the group but after like, 2 days it just went poof. It doesn't help that she makes plans with me, then another set of plans, and then I'm left hanging like and idiot.
> 
> I'm not very good at this dating thing. I just want to sit in my room eating pudding cups and drinking whiskey while listening to metal...


If she makes plans with you, and then makes plans with someone else and leaves you hanging, she's clearly not into you. Let this bird fly away.


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## Ynot

FIP it is a numbers game that is no different than the one you played years ago. The only difference is that the numbers are much bigger on OLD than in real life. Keep on keeping on and don 't let it get you down. When the time is right it will happen. In the mean time celebrate your celibacy because it is a sign that you haven't settled.


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## huebnem

FeministInPink said:


> If she makes plans with you, and then makes plans with someone else and leaves you hanging, she's clearly not into you. Let this bird fly away.



That is easier said than done. Same group of friends, same barracks, and she is one of the few people I can going out to the bars with and know that she will be able to act like an adult.


She has been a cool friend and everything but just today she brought up the topic I hate the most. "What are we?"

First, I hate it because for me it is always the same. I don't show emotion and they even know this ahead of time because I WARN THEM!

Second, the military move me around like crazy. So not only am I leaving in a month but I am changing my job to something that is a lot more demanding on my time and just about everything else. I also told her about this ahead of time. 

I guess this is why people ghost. I think I understand it a little bit now. It is still a crappy thing to do but good lord!


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## gouge_away

Sometimes they just meet someone who, for the moment, seems more interesting.

It doesn't mean that you are not interesting, obviously they showed interest at one time, but then someone else came along and they found them interesting and new, so they abandon you and pursue another.

Nobody owes anybody an explanation for why they moved on.


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## hurtnohio

Ghosting happens to me A LOT!

The worst ghosting story went like this: I was talking to this gal and we were hitting it off. We both like a particular local live band and we set up a date to meet for the first time at a bar where this band was playing. It was to be a Friday night date.

As luck would have it, I had to work an hour later than expected. I called her and asked if I could pick her up an hour later. She said no problem; she'd just go to the bar and listen to the band and we'd meet whenever I could get there.

I went home from work, changed quickly. On my way out the door, I got this text about her grandbaby being sick and she had rushed to her adult daughter's house to help and they might need to take her to the hospital and would I take a rain check? I texted back, "No problem. Hope the baby is OK. Let me know how she's doing later."

I figured I was already dressed and needed to get something to eat anyway, so what the hell? I went to the bar anyway.

No kidding, I spied her (at least I'm pretty sure it was her if her pictures were accurate) across the room, flirting with and drinking with some other dude. Hey, I wasn't pissed about that per se. She didn't owe me the time of day and if she met someone else I would have been like, "Hey, we've never even met. You don't owe me any loyalty at all. Good luck and I hope you find what you're looking for." Or something like that.

I could also tell it was her by the way she kept avoiding eye contact with me. I started playing a game; I'd actually look at her and smile, and she'd suddenly turn beat red and turn her head all the way around so I was looking at her back. The guy she was with at the bar seemed a little taken aback by her actions. I had a lot of fun just screwing with her....she'd never look at me for more than two seconds before she'd blush and turn away.

Look, she owed me nothing. But that bull**** story about the sick baby? That's messed up! One of my female friends later told me she'd never do anything like that because she's afraid Karma would catch up with her and REALLY make her child sick!

Ghosting happens these days. A LOT! And some ghosters even use their own grandkids as part of the scheme.....


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## ReturntoZero

You are better off without anyone who would do that.


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## hurtnohio

No doubt. I'm actually glad I had to work late if it helped bring out her true character. I wouldn't go out with her now if she begged me to.....I've seen her true colors.

But it does seem that ghosting is a lot more common than it used to be. I think there are so many seemingly available partners via online dating, that it's more like rummaging through a stack of discounted videos at Walmart. "I'll pick this one up and I might buy it unless I see something - Oh, look! Top Gun! I'll buy that instead...."

I read something the other day that really resonated with me. If a lady's reaction to the idea of going out with me isn't, "Hell yes, I want to go out with you," then I'm not interested. I'm not saying I need my ego stroked or anything. But if I move into a position where I feel like she's doing me a favor by going out with me, then I'm already behind the power curve. I only want to go out with someone I'm excited about AND who's excited about me. It's either a mutual "Hell yes!" or it's "no." 

A woman who ghosts obviously isn't thinking "hell yes!"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeministInPink

hurtnohio said:


> No doubt. I'm actually glad I had to work late if it helped bring out her true character. I wouldn't go out with her now if she begged me to.....I've seen her true colors.
> 
> But it does seem that ghosting is a lot more common than it used to be. I think there are so many seemingly available partners via online dating, that it's more like rummaging through a stack of discounted videos at Walmart. "I'll pick this one up and I might buy it unless I see something - Oh, look! Top Gun! I'll buy that instead...."
> 
> I read something the other day that really resonated with me. *If a lady's reaction to the idea of going out with me isn't, "Hell yes, I want to go out with you," then I'm not interested. * I'm not saying I need my ego stroked or anything. But if I move into a position where I feel like she's doing me a favor by going out with me, then I'm already behind the power curve. I only want to go out with someone I'm excited about AND who's excited about me. It's either a mutual "Hell yes!" or it's "no."
> 
> A woman who ghosts obviously isn't thinking "hell yes!"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would keep in mind that you may no know if a woman's reaction is "Hell, yes!" Any woman who has had her heart broken once or twice--or has been accused of being too needy or clingy, when in reality she was just feeling/acting on the "Hell, yes!"--may be keeping her "Hell, yes!" in check until she knows for certain it's reciprocated.

ETA: Oh, and by the way, what a piece of work! You're better off without a woman so flighty as that.


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## FeministInPink

huebnem said:


> That is easier said than done. Same group of friends, same barracks, and she is one of the few people I can going out to the bars with and know that she will be able to act like an adult.
> 
> *She has been a cool friend and everything but just today she brought up the topic I hate the most. "What are we?"*
> 
> First, I hate it because for me it is always the same. I don't show emotion and they even know this ahead of time because I WARN THEM!
> 
> Second, the military move me around like crazy. So not only am I leaving in a month but I am changing my job to something that is a lot more demanding on my time and just about everything else. I also told her about this ahead of time.
> 
> I guess this is why people ghost. I think I understand it a little bit now. It is still a crappy thing to do but good lord!


Seriously? After she blew you off like that? I would point blank tell her:

"Well, I *thought* you were someone I could get serious with, but then you blew me off to hang out with someone else when you and I already made plans, and that behavior and level of disrespect tells me you're not good relationship material. So that's no longer on the table. I still think you're cool, and we can hang out, but it's not going any further than that."

She needs to know that type of behavior isn't cool, and what the price of bad behavior is.


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## FeministInPink

Ynot said:


> FIP it is a numbers game that is no different than the one you played years ago. The only difference is that the numbers are much bigger on OLD than in real life. Keep on keeping on and don 't let it get you down. When the time is right it will happen. In the mean time celebrate your celibacy because it is a sign that you haven't settled.


I settled when I married my XH. I know that now. Never again. I'd rather life a life alone than settle for less than I deserve, because then at least I am giving myself the love I deserve. If I settle, then I'm not getting the love that I deserve from my partner OR from myself.


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## hope4family

I wouldn't call anyone you have just met a potential partner. But in terms of dating and looking for a relationship. Yeah, I kinda get it, yes it has happened. However it may seem like I am ghosting someone in the moment too so I dunno. I will send texts to one female and she will eventually respond back with "hey". So. I dunno, I think I will strike her out by default.


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## Ynot

hope4family said:


> I wouldn't call anyone you have just met a potential partner.


Here in lies the problem. Instead of viewing them as potential partners, why not just view them as people? People who are no different then the bus driver or mail man. You say hello, try to strike up a conversation. If they reciprocate - fine. If not - fine. You will run into a store clerk or work colleague soon enough. When people self select to not be your friend, don't be upset. Be happy, because they have saved you the trouble of finding out some other way.


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## FeministInPink

Ynot said:


> Here in lies the problem. Instead of viewing them as potential partners, why not just view them as people? People who are no different then the bus driver or mail man. You say hello, try to strike up a conversation. If they reciprocate - fine. If not - fine. You will run into a store clerk or work colleague soon enough. When people self select to not be your friend, don't be upset. Be happy, because they have saved you the trouble of finding out some other way.


True, the store clerk and the mailman are just people, and not necessarily potential partners. But people who are on dating sites are presumably there to DATE. Which means, that when I look at profiles, I am considering their potential as a partner. If someone contacts me, I assume that they do so because they are considering my potential as a partner. Everyone on a dating site is a potential partner--whether it is a LTR partner potential or a ONS partner potential, that can vary. But they are still all potential partners. until you rule individuals out for one reason or another, whatever your criteria is. Everyone on a dating site is available and looking, or at least they claim to be. That's the whole POINT of a dating site.


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## Ynot

FeministInPink said:


> True, the store clerk and the mailman are just people, and not necessarily potential partners. But people who are on dating sites are presumably there to DATE. Which means, that when I look at profiles, I am considering their potential as a partner. If someone contacts me, I assume that they do so because they are considering my potential as a partner. Everyone on a dating site is a potential partner--whether it is a LTR partner potential or a ONS partner potential, that can vary. But they are still all potential partners. until you rule individuals out for one reason or another, whatever your criteria is. Everyone on a dating site is available and looking, or at least they claim to be. That's the whole POINT of a dating site.


I agree. Which is one reason why I have said that OLD reeks of desperation. Especially the profiles where the person is seeking a soul mate or only wants a serious relationship. There is nothing wrong with wanting those things, but to say so upfront just creates so much more expectation and pressure than need be.
One other problem is that many people (I know I did) look at OLD as a substitute for life. "The computer will find someone for me if I just ask it for X,Y and Z!" Rather I suggest using OLD like you would a search engine vs a hard bound encyclopedia. You can find an answer in either place, but with the encyclopedia, you might learn something new about an unrelated subject that might take you on a voyage of discovery you never anticipated.
So OLD sites do allow you the opportunity to only see self identified fellow seekers which ideally would mean they should be open to exploring a relationship of some sort honestly and openly, but it doesn't guarantee anything. In the end all the people on OLD are just people as well. They may be potential partners, but if you have the mind set that they are still people, you avoid being bothered by ghosting or other OLD behaviors.
Also one of the things I have discovered along the way - the mailman(or lady in my case) or store clerk are just as much potential partners as the person on OLD. You just don't realize it. There are a lot of very unhappy people in the world and you may be just the what they are looking for. Be yourself, the world has the limitless potential to fill your needs and usually from surprising directions.


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## FeministInPink

Ynot said:


> I agree. *Which is one reason why I have said that OLD reeks of desperation. Especially the profiles where the person is seeking a soul mate or only wants a serious relationship.* There is nothing wrong with wanting those things, but to say so upfront just creates so much more expectation and pressure than need be.
> One other problem is that many people (I know I did) look at OLD as a substitute for life. "The computer will find someone for me if I just ask it for X,Y and Z!" Rather I suggest using OLD like you would a search engine vs a hard bound encyclopedia. You can find an answer in either place, but with the encyclopedia, you might learn something new about an unrelated subject that might take you on a voyage of discovery you never anticipated.
> So OLD sites do allow you the opportunity to only see self identified fellow seekers which ideally would mean they should be open to exploring a relationship of some sort honestly and openly, but it doesn't guarantee anything. In the end all the people on OLD are just people as well. They may be potential partners, but if you have the mind set that they are still people, you avoid being bothered by ghosting or other OLD behaviors.
> Also one of the things I have discovered along the way - the mailman(or lady in my case) or store clerk are just as much potential partners as the person on OLD. You just don't realize it. There are a lot of very unhappy people in the world and you may be just the what they are looking for. Be yourself, the world has the limitless potential to fill your needs and usually from surprising directions.


By this definition, Ynot, I am desperate. Which I am not. I know what I want, and I'm not willing to compromise on that. I think that's pretty much the opposite of desperate.

Desperate will take anything that s/he can get.

And I'm not saying that the mailman or the clerk couldn't be potential partners. Anyone has that possibility, but I'm not going to make that assumption about people I meet IRL on a daily basis. One CAN make that assumption about individuals with OLD profiles.

Oh, and... I would rather have someone who is already happy and is looking for a partner to complement that. A person who is already unhappy and single may be made happy by me for a little while, but they will eventually return to their Eeyore-like baseline eventually.


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## Ynot

FeministInPink said:


> By this definition, Ynot, I am desperate. Which I am not. I know what I want, and I'm not willing to compromise on that. I think that's pretty much the opposite of desperate.
> 
> Desperate will take anything that s/he can get.
> 
> And I'm not saying that the mailman or the clerk couldn't be potential partners. Anyone has that possibility, but I'm not going to make that assumption about people I meet IRL on a daily basis. One CAN make that assumption about individuals with OLD profiles.
> 
> Oh, and... I would rather have someone who is already happy and is looking for a partner to complement that. A person who is already unhappy and single may be made happy by me for a little while, but they will eventually return to their Eeyore-like baseline eventually.


I think you are misreading my post or perhaps I am not using the right words. I am not implying that anyone who uses OLD is desperate, but when it is used as substitute for real life ie the computer will find my match for me, then the use of OLD can reek of desperation. Some people never learn the lessons of life and just seek to recreate the conditions that lead them to where they are over and over again.
I've read enough of your posts to know that you have reflected on your marriage and divorce. You aren't desperate, you are simply looking. Which is pretty much what all of us are doing. You are also not willing to settle, which is something that far fewer of us are willing to do.

edit - i just remembered you mentioned assumptions. Try not to make assumptions at all


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## MRR

hurtnohio said:


> No doubt. I'm actually glad I had to work late if it helped bring out her true character. I wouldn't go out with her now if she begged me to.....I've seen her true colors.
> 
> But it does seem that ghosting is a lot more common than it used to be. I think there are so many seemingly available partners via online dating, that it's more like rummaging through a stack of discounted videos at Walmart. "I'll pick this one up and I might buy it unless I see something - Oh, look! Top Gun! I'll buy that instead...."
> 
> I read something the other day that really resonated with me. If a lady's reaction to the idea of going out with me isn't, "Hell yes, I want to go out with you," then I'm not interested. I'm not saying I need my ego stroked or anything. But if I move into a position where I feel like she's doing me a favor by going out with me, then I'm already behind the power curve. I only want to go out with someone I'm excited about AND who's excited about me. It's either a mutual "Hell yes!" or it's "no."
> 
> A woman who ghosts obviously isn't thinking "hell yes!"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The 'hell yes' thing was started from an article Mark Mansen posted on his blog, and while I like his stuff, this particular mantra should not be applied in a situation where people have not actually met. 

You could really miss out on something good if you immediately move on because there isnt some sort of instantaneous combustion right when you connect. I think go on at least a couple dates and guage the situation and then apply the 'hell yes' test to it.


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## FeministInPink

Ynot said:


> I think you are misreading my post or perhaps I am not using the right words. I am not implying that anyone who uses OLD is desperate, but when it is used as substitute for real life ie the computer will find my match for me, then the use of OLD can reek of desperation. Some people never learn the lessons of life and just seek to recreate the conditions that lead them to where they are over and over again.
> I've read enough of your posts to know that you have reflected on your marriage and divorce. You aren't desperate, you are simply looking. Which is pretty much what all of us are doing. You are also not willing to settle, which is something that far fewer of us are willing to do.
> 
> edit - i just remembered you mentioned assumptions. Try not to make assumptions at all


I wasn't misreading your post--I was specifically referring to the two-sentence section I marked in bold. That's all 

I didn't take issue with anything else in that post. Just those two sentences. I feel the rest was a solid argument.


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## FeministInPink

MRR said:


> The 'hell yes' thing was started from an article Mark Mansen posted on his blog, and while I like his stuff, this particular mantra should not be applied in a situation where people have not actually met.
> 
> You could really miss out on something good if you immediately move on because there isnt some sort of instantaneous combustion right when you connect. I think go on at least a couple dates and guage the situation and then apply the 'hell yes' test to it.


I FULLY AGREE. In OLD, I really think the "Hell yes!" principle should be applied when deciding if you want to go out on a second date. I might even wait to apply it until I decide on a third date. If the guy wasn't an absolute, clear "Hell, no!" by the end of the first date, I would probably give him a second chance to make a good impression; people can be nervous, or he could have had a crap day at work, or you never know. And if I seriously fvcked up a first date for whatever reason, I would appreciate a second chance.

To put it another way, I am a very adventurous picky eater. I have definite likes and dislikes (and an allergy or two), but I will try anything twice (as long as it doesn't conflict my my allergies). Why twice? Well, because the first time, it might not have been prepared correctly; maybe I got the one bad apple in the bushel; perhaps it had been frozen, and it's meant to be eaten fresh. Who knows? So I'll always be willing to try something a second time, because I might actually become my favorite thing.


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## WtfamI

Is it wrong if they've been doing it to you for sometime and you finally turn the tables?


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## SurpriseMyself

huebnem said:


> That is easier said than done. Same group of friends, same barracks, and she is one of the few people I can going out to the bars with and know that she will be able to act like an adult.
> 
> 
> She has been a cool friend and everything but just today she brought up the topic I hate the most. "What are we?"
> 
> First, I hate it because for me it is always the same. I don't show emotion and they even know this ahead of time because I WARN THEM!
> 
> Second, the military move me around like crazy. So not only am I leaving in a month but I am changing my job to something that is a lot more demanding on my time and just about everything else. I also told her about this ahead of time.
> 
> I guess this is why people ghost. I think I understand it a little bit now. It is still a crappy thing to do but good lord!


So, you don't show emotion, you are leaving in a month and you expect a woman to be polite to you when they aren't interested? If I went on a date with a man who told me he'd be leaving soon and who showed no emotion, I'd be kinda pissed. He's wasting my time.


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## BetrayedDad

I was on OLD in 2014 for 2-3 months. I didn't get ghosted much maybe 5% of the time? Most girls I talked to were nice enough and straightforward I thought. Went on six dates in that time frame and never got stood up either. 

I was always completely legit and honest. Profile pics were recent and I accurately described myself (height, occupation, etc.) I'm surprised to hear what a hard time some of you are having. I found there is definitely a formula you need to follow to not scare them away once you get a bite.

If I saw someone's profile I wasn't interested it, I would just ignore them. Why bother to even talk to them just to ghost them later?!? Just sounds like if someone is losing interest AFTER you correspond, something is not checking out or maybe your approach needs serious tweaking...

My two cents.


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