# have I lost hime ?DNA test confirms



## Roller_coaster (Apr 23, 2009)

Please don't badger me, I need honest advice. My husband of six years has a six month old baby outside our marriage. We have two children. This woman is my husband "first love" when I found out she was pregnant he said that she contacted him and maybe the baby is not his. Well we now know the baby is his. What hurts is I thought this woman contacted my husband, come to find out he hired a private investator to find her! This has been hell. The woman refused to talk to me but when my husband stayed in a hotel for two weeks when the baby was born I asked her didn't she know he was married, she said that he found her and told her he was leaving me. He eventually admitted to looking for her and blamed me for it!
Now I have been off work because of the stress and I told my husband that if he does not let her and the baby go I was divorcing him and taking everything. THis came when he bought a plane ticket to see the baby again. He gave in after I went to see an attorney. He sends a check every month to the mother and I have been waiting for that ***** to harass us. I was on th phone when he told her that he was staying with me because i would ruin him financially. Since then it has been five months and she changed her number and I am sure that they have had no contact. She has been silent and that is driving me crazy.

Why is my husband bitter and angry with me. We are fighting more then ever. the ***** is gone and she is still ruining my marriage. 
Help me... we went to marriage counseling last year and she said that out marriage is over. We never went back again. What is going through my husband mind. He is cruel and angry at me and impatient with our children.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Your husband tracked this woman down, and lied to her. She is not in contact with you or him. This is not about her. Its about your husband. He is a creep. You would be better off without him. You sound like a loving committed wife. He sounds like a scumbag. D him and take him to the cleaners.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I am so sorry this is happening to you. Your husband is a jerk! He sought her out. Do you really want him to stay with you because he's worried about finances? He doesn't deserve you. Its time to move on. I am sorry, but it really is. Get your ducks lined up, go see an attorney. Then tell him to leave. What he has done is wrong on so many levels and you really can't allow him to be mean to your children too. Make this right for you and the kids. If you stay with this guy, how will you ever find true love and happiness?


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## Roller_coaster (Apr 23, 2009)

When I went to the divorce attorney and gave him the ultimatium he was extremely nice that was five months ago and now its back to the same old thing. Silent treatment and arguing. Why should I give up my comfortable life for him? I would be able to stay in the house until our youngest child is 18 and he knows that i can take him to the cleaners that is why he said he would let her go. (I think) But, I would struggle and I have been with him for 11 years and never been on my own and what really hurts is that this woman dumped him and that is when we met. A part of me feels as if she is the one who left him again and i am the one picking up the pieces, I am going crazy. We have had our problems. I am not working because we work for the same company and he told his friends on the job about the baby! He did not even try to hide it. I am ashamed. Five years ago I had an affair and left my husband for another guy at our job but at the time we were not married and I believe he is doing this for revenge. But I thought we were passed that. help honestly do you believe this marriage is over? I just can't let go.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Well your affair is new information...could be revenge. But as you pointed out he was dumped by her, caught you what on the rebound? I know what you are saying about a comfortable life, but comfortable yet miserable? Try counseling, see if that works but you need to know does he love you? If not, don't try to save it. I don't know the circumstances about your affair and if those feelings were ever dealt with between you two. But the point is, sounds like he's flaunting this child. No its not the child's fault but he must remember you work there too and to me he's just being plain abusive.


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## Roller_coaster (Apr 23, 2009)

AZMOMOFTWO said:


> I am so sorry this is happening to you. Your husband is a jerk! He sought her out. Do you really want him to stay with you because he's worried about finances? He doesn't deserve you. Its time to move on. I am sorry, but it really is. Get your ducks lined up, go see an attorney. Then tell him to leave. What he has done is wrong on so many levels and you really can't allow him to be mean to your children too. Make this right for you and the kids. If you stay with this guy, how will you ever find true love and happiness?


Thank you for your honesty. I believe that he really do not want to end the marriage because he can leave but he won't. He was in the military and he purchased the house before we were married and although I can not take the house from him my attorney said that I could stay in the house until our youngest turns 18. I know this sounds immature but to think about this woman with my husband and she has a daughter with him, we have two sons. I don't know I just want him to change. He does for a little while then it back to the roller coaster.


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## Roller_coaster (Apr 23, 2009)

AZMOMOFTWO said:


> Well your affair is new information...could be revenge. But as you pointed out he was dumped by her, caught you what on the rebound? I know what you are saying about a comfortable life, but comfortable yet miserable? Try counseling, see if that works but you need to know does he love you? If not, don't try to save it. I don't know the circumstances about your affair and if those feelings were ever dealt with between you two. But the point is, sounds like he's flaunting this child. No its not the child's fault but he must remember you work there too and to me he's just being plain abusive.


Yes, abusive is correct. I have had arguements with him about him loving me or never loving me. He accuse me of the same thing. I asked him why did he look for her and and he said that his time with her was the happiest in his life. THis was 15 years ago! That devastated me. All of these years we have been together and he was still thinking of this woman and now she has his child. She said that she did not want nothing from him and when I asked her didn't she want them to be a family she said to just make sure he pays child support. That is the other issue. After he told her that he was staying with me she changed her number and her email address, but she cash the child support checks every month. This ***** act like she is the victim and taking the high road, why does this drive me crazy. 
With my affair my husband would not marry me so I left. We were living together for 6 years and had two kids and I gave him an ultimatium about marriage and when he said no I left him. But I thought we got passed that. THis was 7 years ago. I move back in and we got married six months later. Do I sound pathetic? I wonder if he still thinks about her and the baby.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

It sounds like, given the opportunity, you would reconcile. But it does sound like, there is to much to get over without one of you trying. Your cheating was a new revelation. I am also hearing in your words. That you say "Oh but we weren't married, when I cheated". It was absolutely revenge. And the way you talk about it, as if justifying it because you weren't married, tells me that you didn't accept responsibility for it. If that is true, then I completely understand (not condone) why he sought to hurt you. Do you know that every time you said that, it reopened the wound, like it just happened. How often would you argue about it?


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## Roller_coaster (Apr 23, 2009)

Initfortheduration said:


> It sounds like, given the opportunity, you would reconcile. But it does sound like, there is to much to get over without one of you trying. Your cheating was a new revelation. I am also hearing in your words. That you say "Oh but we weren't married, when I cheated". It was absolutely revenge. And the way you talk about it, as if justifying it because you weren't married, tells me that you didn't accept responsibility for it. If that is true, then I completely understand (not condone) why he sought to hurt you. Do you know that every time you said that, it reopened the wound, like it just happened. How often would you argue about it?


Well, we both are not perfect and we have been here before. When I left him be begged me back for months and we were able to get past it at least that is what I believed. He brought up I cheated when I first found out about her. He knew how I felt about her. (he was devastated and talked about her for months when we dated.) 
We have agreed to reconcile but he is being mean again. And we just argue all the time even though the woman and the baby are gone, he just pay child support. I don't understand why he is being so mean when he was the one who created this. He said he would leave her alone and he would not leave me although for years he threatened to.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

classic blame shifting, coupled with promiscuity and attention seeking behavior....sounds very familiar to me. Personality Disorder....


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Sorry, but your husband is the problem, not that woman, she's not a "bitc*", your husband is an @$$hole. 

Your husband is shifting the blame for his affair on you, nothing more nothing less.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

:iagree: I think you have too much hatred toward the other woman. Is it her fault that he didn't get over her? Is it her fault that your he sought her out? Is it her fault that there are child support laws in affect? Did she force him to sleep with her or get her pregnant? 

Now I'm not saying she has no fault...but was the pregnancy intentional or an accident? Did she have a reason to believe anything other than what he told her about your marriage? Maybe she agreed to the pregnancy thinking they had a future together. I think she has done what she can on her side to leave you, him and your family alone. What else do you expect of her??? For all you know she may never have told him about their baby had he not forced the issue.

There are many issues here. And they all need to be addressed and dealt with or you might as well call it quits.


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## Roller_coaster (Apr 23, 2009)

The one time I spoke to her she said he asked her to get pregnant because he never wanted her out of his life again and he was leaving me! She knew he was married and he lied to her because he told her he was leaving me and he is still with me. My husband agreed with the ultimatium I gave him after the baby was born because I told him I want her out of the picture for good. He agreed, but we are still arguing. He said that is why he did not want to get rid of her because even if she is gone we had problems before her. Well, she is gone, but I don't know for how long and he is taking his frustrating out on me and the kids.


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## zwilson50 (Mar 26, 2009)

Here is my unprofessional take on this. You are putting the fair share of the blame on this other woman. Your husband should be the one shouldering the blame for the situation. However, it doesn't sound like the issues between you and your H just popped up. Even in the beginning of the relationship, he cried on your should for months about this other woman. You stuck around and this is what you get to deal with. 

You now have to deal with the decisions you have made to get to this point in your life. Do you want to stay and make it work or leave? I didn't say stay and be miserable but honestly stay and make it work. Don't be selfish with your children and stay and let them witness the miserable home life you will put them through if you stay just for financial reasons.

It is your time to stand up and make a selfless decision for your children.


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## white_chinaman (Apr 25, 2009)

I just want to give some rational understanding to your question. It is all fine and good for people to label him as a jerk and telling you how poor a victim you are or whatever. But I will not use such terms as I want my post to be as rational, and easy as possible for you to understand. It is not my intention to offend or to cause offence, but I believe all things are rationally resolvable. 

You asked: Why is my husband bitter and angry with me?

He is bitter and angry because his heart is no longer with you. I know that this is probably not what you want to hear but it is a logical conclusion. He will perhaps always be bitter you because you will not let him be involved with this child, maybe that is where he wants to be. Perhaps you should think of letting go. 

Perhaps there was a genuine reason he contacted her, maybe he did not want to have an 18yr old child suddenly turn up on your doorstep after years of marriage, that could be very damaging for both of you. Or maybe he wants to be a part of the child's life. I would definately agree that he should have been man enough to communicate with you about this before he did what he did. But what is done is now done and cannot be changed. You must accept that as fact. 

My only rational advice is that if your husband's heart is no longer with you, then you should let him go and find a common ground from which you both can agree on how to make this separation without hurting each other. If you have children you will need to discuss that between you because above all else children should always be the number one focus.

We can all spend years trying to understand why our partner no longer loves us, but nothing will change the fact that the love is still gone at the end of the day. 

If the love is gone and no longer obtainable, then the only solution is to separate amicably as grown rational-minded adults. Lowering yourselves into a "war of wits" in a divorce, will only fuel further resentment toward each other and will only harm both of you mentally and emotionally, and in the long run, it is both of you who will live a life full of regret. Not to mention that it is the lawyers who will make the most profit by playing you against each other as primitive animals.

Believe me, I have my issues not far from yours, and I know how this can get, but if you show wisdom, understanding and compassion to each other, you can separate without the "hurt" and in the long run, believe me, both of you will be happier in times to come.


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## Roller_coaster (Apr 23, 2009)

white_chinaman said:


> I just want to give some rational understanding to your question. It is all fine and good for people to label him as a jerk and telling you how poor a victim you are or whatever. But I will not use such terms as I want my post to be as rational, and easy as possible for you to understand. It is not my intention to offend or to cause offence, but I believe all things are rationally resolvable.
> 
> You asked: Why is my husband bitter and angry with me?
> 
> ...


If he wants out then how come he has not left? I told him it was me or her and he chose me. He said he wanted to get counseling and we did a year ago when all of this happened and that did not work out. If he wants to go he can go, but he has not left. Why did he talk me out of getting a divorce? he said things would change and now we are at war again. I love my husband and we have two sons. I live in New York and it is expensive to live here, so I have to move out of his house so "she" can move in and I with my two sons struggle? Why should me and my kids struggle because of his choice? I told him to leave but he will not. He bought the house before we got married and it is in his name only. I feel that if he made the choice to stay and work on our marriage then why is he now acting as if he hates me. When ever i threaten him he is nice for a while then he becomes distant and mean again. He said the other day that she made him happy when they were together that broke my heart.
Thank you for your honesty.


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