# Progress... (sort of)



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I had a talk with the missus who is rather delighted that I'm committed to meeting her halfway in our "disarmament treaty", and it was nice to see a smile on her face, she admitted that she didn't think I would do it at least not willingly. She asked me what's with the change of heart.

Well, my answer wasn't really want she wanted to hear... and I may have made a mistake bringing up how I felt about the sex in particular... I told her exactly how I felt and wanted her side to my suspicions...

Here's a bit of history:

Years ago when our relationship became physical there was still something missing. She was great, sure, but it still felt empty, it seemed purely physical. It took a while before she really opened up and let herself go, and I supported her through that journey.

Before I met her she used to be an escort you see, and not even for the money, she came from a wealthy background. She's done a 180 however starting from when she found her salvation as a Christian, that's one of the reasons despite me being a "pagan", do not impose on her faith (unless it imposes on me which it has a habit of).

As she followed her religion deeper I didn't exactly like the changes and even to this day, I still feel she's a shadow of who she once was. I support her faith but I don't exactly support her particular church. But either way it seems her religion, her pride, and shame of her past has blocked her from seeing how her issues are still not truly solved.

I've been an ass since marriage really compared to how I was with her years ago, it reminds of the time I actually connected with her and empathically helped her deal with all her sexual issues. But nowadays I've been turning her down, neglecting her, etc.

Anyways, when I told her of my decision and the reasons behind it, she laughed and told me that I'm being really cute and sweet and then told me that it's not what I think in regards to her issues. She believes she's dealt with it years ago. I kept pushing however, unfortunately ignoring my instincts and was rather insensitive enough to bring up the rather bad sex yesterday.

No more smiles... and she lashed out that I'm impossible, that I'm thinking too much, that nothing she ever does will make me happy, and that I make her feel worthless. After her venting I told her "THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT", and told her to stop placing her own worth as a person based on f--king sex.

She got rather defensive and denied it and we started going in circles. I told her that I've been with her for years, and I wouldn't bring this up just to hurt her. Then she accused me of breaking our little "no more games" pact but I assured her that this is no game that I'm playing. She was in tears yet she kept denying it and telling me "it's not what you think!" and accusing me of judging her.

I ended up pleading with her (bleh... can't believe I did that) to tell me her side of the story then if she thought I was wrong but her answers were all accusations and denials not once did she even answer me why the hell she's been like this. After a while she pleaded me to stop so I did, I didn't push further, and held her.

She told me that she doesn't want this xmas to end up bad like last year, no more fights, and for me to be more sensitive. So I dropped it and apologised and told her to forget our little talk.

Yet at the back of mind I just don't know...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> I kept pushing however, unfortunately ignoring my instincts and was rather insensitive enough to bring up the rather bad sex yesterday.
> 
> No more smiles... and she lashed out that I'm impossible, that I'm thinking too much, that nothing she ever does will make me happy, and that I make her feel worthless. After her venting I told her "THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT", and told her to stop placing her own worth as a person based on f--king sex.
> 
> She got rather defensive and denied it and we started going in circles. I told her that I've been with her for years, and I wouldn't bring this up just to hurt her. Then she accused me of breaking our little "no more games" pact but I assured her that this is no game that I'm playing. She was in tears yet she kept denying it and telling me "it's not what you think!" and accusing me of judging her.



Have you considered .....It is so much more than "just Sex" to her Randon Dude, this is INTIMACY to her, this has it's SACREDNESS attached to it -even IN HER incessant need for more ...and you are trampling on that- with her yet again. 

There is nothing wrong with what your wife wants from you, any good woman would want the same. I've been doing alot of talking about Transparency lately - you give it quite well -but it seems only when it is the hurtful stuff, you shreik from the sensitive side of it, the beautiful. 

This is no good. It is going to bury you both. 


Where is the counselor -you both still seeing her ? What has she been saying about all of this ?


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

What is this really like for her? Do you know? Maybe she blocks out her past because that is the only way she knows how to live somewhat happily. To me, it seems like you are both keeping a lot in, and don't have the skills for talking with each other about deeper issues. I agree with SA and would also ask how counseling is going?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Have you considered .....It is so much more than "just Sex" to her Randon Dude, this is INTIMACY to her, this has it's SACREDNESS attached to it -even IN HER incessant need for more ...and you are trampling on that- with her yet again.


It's not intimate at all, it's duty! It's just that for a time she did stop putting so much value in sex and it was great - and I had no problems forfilling her needs as many times as she desired, but now it's back to the usual crap =/

BTW SA you mentioned that your husband needs the emotional connection yes? Ironically... believe or not, I'm actually quite similar when it comes to my wife even though I'm a "suave lover" while she's the "liberated lover" (based on your quiz a while back).

I'm not interested in "just sex" and what I find stupid is how many other women in the past appreciated my ability to get them in the mood rather then shoving-in-full-length-straight-off-da-bat kinda thing. The stupid thing is that when she tells me she's sore on her back, or hip, or feet, I don't mind giving her a massage and at times it even leads to something more - it's foreplay for me running my hands throughout her body and it's a tease too, especially when she eventually tells me certain 'parts' needs my hands too.

But she doesn't initiate sex like that anymore, she said that she will try but it was so fake! Hell even when I try to massage her she forcefully grabs my hands and places where she wants them unable to accept being teased. It;s no fun! I'm tired of this no-foreplay-f--k-me-now BS. I feel like sh-t for admitting it to her that I was not satisfied yesterday but she wants open communication yes?

Why can't she just let me show her how much better it is if only she just stops thinking sex-sex-sex all the damn time, like back in the good days before her church got involved in our relationship. I don't care about her sexual skills or talents, none of them impresses me. What I want is intimacy.



> There is nothing wrong with what your wife wants from you, any good woman would want the same. I've been doing alot of talking about Transparency lately - you give it quite well -but it seems only when it is the hurtful stuff, you shreik from the sensitive side of it, the beautiful.
> 
> This is no good. It is going to bury you both.
> 
> Where is the counselor -you both still seeing her ? What has she been saying about all of this ?


We're no longer doing MC while I'm continuing IC, she is refusing to go to IC and believes I'm the one who needs it. I can't convince her to go, I've already tried enough, so the responsibility is mine to help her. But I just don't know how.

I don't want to be an ass anymore but it seems even when I try to be honest and supportive I screw everything up! She's making me feel inadequate now.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Maybe by her saying she wants more open communication, maybe that means she wants to be heard more. I imagine you have asked her in detail (and calmly) what sex means to her. What did she say when you asked that? How do you think she views sexual intimacy? I wonder if that has kind of become her "pacifier" for feeling good instead of actually addressing some of her issues.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I am a regular poster on here and unless this is a continuation of a previous post I really dont understand what is going on. 
Is it that religion has put her off sex.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Sex is her "love language", and yes in my opinion it has become a pacifier for her feeling good and loved, and looking at her past this has been her issue even before I met her considering what she used to do even if she never really needed the money.

She's very evasive when it comes to talks in regards to her past and she has told me to treat her as who she is now and not who she was - mirroring my own words to her in regards to my own past. Meh... come to think of it we have a lot in common even if our problems are very different.

I don't know, so far I'm kissing her ass.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Thanks. Can you describe it better. She is happy with sex and nothing else and you want more. I dont think its fair or right to hark onto the past all the time. She wants to forget it and so should you. Its the present what you need to talk about. 
If it is that then I think you should keep to that and in time it will improve to more things.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Before I met her she used to be an escort you see, and not even for the money...


:scratchhead:

Is this one of those movies where I see something that everyone else see's differently? I don't even know what this means.


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## OliveAdventure (Nov 23, 2011)

Are you trying to "see for her" but you're using the wrong eyes? 

Maybe you're wrong in what you think she's doing.. And telling her what you think is hurting her because you won't listen, only tell? 

I don't know too much of your history, but if someone told me I was doing something for a certain reason, whether they were right or wrong, I would be pretty upset. I don't want someone trying to dictate my life for me.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

nympho,nympho

I sit here thinking whats the problem most guy would like to have a wife who wants sex all the time.

the world is a crazy place.


if she is as over sexed as you say then some sort of mental thing is going on. 

I'd like to experiance this problem where my wife constly wanted sex. but I'm sure the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I was ready to throw my hands up and give up really, went to see my counsellor but she reminded me that we are making progress, and even though it may seem we are going in circles, it's more of a spiral, and we are either spiralling up or down.

She feels perhaps my wife simply isn't ready to open up again just yet, and I shouldn't force the issue, considering we've only just came out from our earlier fights. Meh... guess it's time to stock up tuna cans again until next year.



> I'd like to experiance this problem where my wife constly wanted sex. but I'm sure the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence.


=/ 
Isn't there ever a time you simply don't want sex?


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