# What can I do to get this fixed and back to healthy



## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

I guess I will start from the beginning of or relationship and try and make it a quick as possible. sorry it may be long.

We met when we were 17 at a local fast food restaurant we both worked at and we started dating shortly after there was a couple minor issues as all relationships have at the start. one being she was fairly religious and I was not and I am a lot more mature for my age then she was. but now we are about par.

Basically when we started dating she was a virgin and a fairly shy girl and I was a little bit of a party animal but that was just how we were we dated for 4 and a half years before we got married, we got married at 22 and we had about 6 months before she really started wanting to have a baby we had our son on the way shortly after that, we are now 14 months after his birth and I can count on one hand the amount of sexual moments we have had.

Now I don't think I will ever cheat on my wife no matter how long between intimate times. But she has for the last 12 months used any and all excuses to not get intimate like I'm tired, headache, sore back, not in the mood and so on. the birth of our son was nothing major everything went fine she only needed a couple of stitches and she didn't breast feed, the doctor said wait 8 to 12 weeks to let everything heal and stuff and we did, actually went longer because she didn't feel like it and all the usual things, went to about 15 weeks and then I got my 1st hit of "to get you off my case pity sex" which is horrible very, very cold and disconnected. almost like with a dead person I would imagine not a word or even arms around me just lay there and wait till I either finish or fake it so I can leave.
(yep I have faked cumming to get out of pity sex) 

With sex it has never been super outrageous, in all honesty it has been pretty mundane since the very start, she didn't really enjoy it at the start because she was a virgin( I was not but I was no super star either) I never pressured her into it or anything and she was religious so I was happy taking things slow, but about 4 to 5 months in after months of other sexual play she said she was ready and we made love for the 1st time as normal bit of pain for her at the start and took a couple of times before she achieved an orgasm from sex. she has never been willing to try much in the way of sex one position only. and never on top at first I put it down to inexperience and discomfort but nothing was changing and I accepted it. 

As for inciting it well it has been me until we got married then it was her 5 times more then me then with her pregnancy at the start she was pretty sick and I understood completely and when it calmed down she didn't for the rest of the pregnancy. she has only incited it once since the birth of our son. it was around 11pm one night she started playing with me when I was asleep and when I woke up she offered a blow job because she felt bad from my birthday 2 weeks before where I tried to make a move on her and she knocked me back and then I walked in on her masturbating 2 minutes later. but the blowjob didn't happen because her mouth was sore. so basically got left with a wood and woken up only to have her roll back over. My birth day is in February by the way

In march I asked if there was anything I could do to start getting our sex life back on track and she gave me a list of things like do more house work so I have been and even got a cleaner in as well and look after our son more I now have him 3 days a week 2 of I "work from home" where I get no work done and my favourite spend more time as a family, kinda makes time hard with work and giving her "her time" and looking after our son leaves me with about 4 hours on a sunday after noon to spend time as a family or get in a couple of hours of me time usually involves a couple of mates and our dirt bikes.

Since I started completing the list it has grown and pretty much every time I get one thing off the list more gets added. I am just at a lost to what to do now for the last 6 months I have been researching like crazy and trying to get out of this rut I have tried and tried to get her to come with me to a marriage councillor or a doctor and a therapist and she refuses I have told her how I feel about it and made it very clear how when she knocks me back the as soon as I leave the room starts masturbating makes me feel she hasn't stoped or even tried to hide it, hell I walked in this morning after she said she had a headache and I just paused for a second while I thought this is what my life has come to and she stoped to tell me "GET OUT" 

What do I do???


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## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

I will probably get flamed to a crispy toast, but after reading all those stories on TAM, I have come to the conclusion that when one person postpones sex on religious grounds, more often than not, "religion" is a codeword for "I have personal issues" and/or "I don't like sex".

You had the best sex possible with that girl during the pre-pregnancy time. No matter what you do, you will never ever get any better than that.

It is up to you if you want to continue that relationship and have ****ty sex for the rest of your life or leave an find someone more suitable.


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

RFguy - I am very much starting to believe that the best sex was pre- pregnancy! she wasn't so bad before marriage just I would normally be the one leading.

On another note I did what I probably shouldn't have done tonight I brought it up to get yet another offer of pity sex which I called her on and said famous last words saying "sex like that is about as much fun as slamming my **** in a door" and now is 11pm and I am sleeping in the spare room with my laptop to warm the bed. I just don't get it I am willing to try and do anything and everything for her and she doesn't want any of it.


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

also before I shoot myself in the foot with her I had suggested we take a long weekend away and leave our son at my parents or hers (I think she doesn't really like my parents but who really likes all their in laws) and she rejected the idea because "you would expect things in return". this is about where I lost my cool just let it all out and dumped it at her feet to be rewarded with pity


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

i feel for you. you are too young to become celibate and live like roommates with your wife forver. your marriage is in danger. does you wife know that? although you may not be thinking this now, you need to set a timeframe in your mind, and if things don't change, or if you don't become indifferent, you're going to have to leave. you are way too young to accept less than mediocrity for the rest of your life. don't have another kid with her.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Wow, so your wife is masturbating, getting caught masturbating no less, but still makes excuses to not have sex with you? Your wife was a shy virgin when you met her and now 4 years later sex went from so so to awful after her first pregnancy.

I like that you haven't let this go for so long. I really like how you have asked her what YOU can do to help and then followed through. I don't like her excuses, and they are gals, phony and complete BS!

I am 50 and have a bad back and I tell my husband I need a massage to loosen those muscles so I can do all the arching I like to do when we have sex. I do my daily exercises just so that I can painlessly and easily continue in any sexual position that strikes my fancy. AND I asked for and got a sex swing for my birthday just for those times when my back is really not cooperating!

Your wife is young and doesn't understand much about her sexuality and sure as shooter doesn't understand about a mans sexuality. 

First, go to Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice and print out two copies of Emotional Needs Questionnaire. While at that web site, you will find explanations FOR women about understanding a mans need for sexual love. We women don't see a mans sexual desire as his way of seeking and accepting love. We see men as poon hounds, our husband included. Until that perception get corrected, she will continue to put you off.

Secondarily, you've got something really positive to work with in that she masturbates. That means she has a sex drive! What needs to happen is to discover why her sex drive is not directed toward you.

Is she able to orgasm with you? A lot of women have a hard time getting an orgasm with their husbands, mostly this has to do with shame and fear and not being able to embrace their sexuality fully.

Will she give you directions and hints about what she likes? harder, softer, further down... That kind of stuff? Does she enjoy oral sex?

Last on the list, your appearance. Be clean, shave, brush your teeth, and wear cologne. Unless she has stated she doesn't like men in cologne, most women dislike the scent of a man unless she is ovulating. 

Dont allow this sex refusal to continue. It is a big problem in a marriage and it has to be viewed as a couples problem where you BOTH are honest with each other in order to find ways to solve it and be happy together.


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## Aitrus (Mar 25, 2013)

aeasty,

I'm in much the same position you are. I've been fighting this for the past 15 years, and I've finally decided a few things. I'm making good progress because I'm following a plan. One of the first things I learned is that bad sex isn't the problem, it's a symptom of deeper issues. Trying to fix the sex without addressing the deeper issues won't work, and only builds resentment between both of you.

Here's the plan:

- You can't change her. You can only change yourself. She will either choose to change with you, or will choose not to. This will be one of the biggest, most freeing things you will ever come to accept.
- You need to decide what will make you happy. Write it down, and frame them as needs. Examples from my list: "I need to feel freedom by riding a motorcycle. I need to have a fulfilling, satisfying, adventurous and varied sexual intimacy with my partner. I need to have meaningful time with other men. I need to pursue my own interests at my own pace." 
- You need to know absolutely in your mind that divorce is an option. You are responsible for your own happiness. She isn't responsible for it. You need to take steps to make yourself happy.
- Read the following books: No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover; Married Man's Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay; His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley; The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Do all the exercises, except in Married Man's Sex Life Primer - these come later if she starts improving. You can ask your wife to join you in these books if she seems amicable, but don't plead. If you do decide to ask her to join you, let her know that you're trying to fix you and you need her help to do it. 
- Drop the issue with sex - completely. Don't initiate, don't hint, don't do ****. Just accept that your sex life will suck for a while, and there's nothing you can do about it. The more you pressure her the longer it will take to get good again, if at all. Continue to be courteous to her, spend more time with your child, etc. Don't go cold-shoulder on her, just be calm, assertive, reserved and transparent. 
- Set the tone and take the lead. This doesn't mean to control her, it means to stop asking things like "What do you want to do tonight?" Make a decision on what you would like to do, then invite her to participate. If she doesn't, no biggie, just go ahead with your plan.
- If you masturbate to porn, then stop. Practice healthy masturbation, which is masturbating without fantasy running through your head. Touch yourself, please yourself, learn what makes you get off. Focus on the pleasure you're feeling, not the things you're seeing. Learn to control yourself and your urges. More on this in No More Mr. Nice Guy.
- Do research on divorce in your state. Get the forms and fill them out. Have them ready.
- Get your finances in order. If you do break, you want as clean a break as possible. 
- After you finish getting you where you want to be (physically, mentally, and know what you need from a relationship and what you should be providing), then re-assess the situation. By that point, she should have noticed the changes you've been making and have moved toward you in some ways. This point is when you have "The Talk". The Talk involves you laying out what it is that you need in order to feel happy, and that you don't believe you can be happy in this relationship as it stands now. She needs to know that divorce is an option. She will likely try to call your bluff. You counter this by having divorce paperwork already filled out. Remember what Kenny Rogers said: "Know when to hold 'em, Know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away, Know when to run."

Before you do any of this, you must be absolutely clear in your mind about one thing: you must be willing to walk away. If you aren't, she will sense it and will just call your bluffs. If there's no consequence to her continued behavior, she has no reason to change. Divorce must be an option every day in every marriage. You must be able to choose her each and every day. Yes, divorce is painful. But it's less painful than a lifetime of rejection and hurt. And think of what you'll be teaching your son if you stay in a dysfunctional, hurtful relationship. He'll learn that this is what a good marriage looks like, and then he'll be set up to experience exactly what you're experiencing.

Now for your child. Maintain, even improve if possible, your relationship with your son. If you divorce, you will be divorcing your wife, not your son. If you are a good dad, you will still be involved in his life. Don't be one of those guys that wastes away for 20 years because you're "staying because of the kids". Those are 20 years you will never get back. I know, I've lost 15 already.

This is something that won't happen overnight. It won't happen in a month. This is something that will take you a lot of time to do. It's worth it because at the end you will get one of two things: A marriage you can be happy with, or an improved you that is ready to head out and find somebody who will treat you right.

This forum, and the one over at nomoremrniceguy.com/forums are both great resources. Use them. 

Good luck!


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

IsGirl3 said:


> i feel for you. you are too young to become celibate and live like roommates with your wife forver. your marriage is in danger. does you wife know that? although you may not be thinking this now, you need to set a timeframe in your mind, and if things don't change, or if you don't become indifferent, you're going to have to leave. you are way too young to accept less than mediocrity for the rest of your life. don't have another kid with her.


I have already taken the possibility of a second child off the table for now and made it very clear until we have a healthy relationship this isn't a possibility. She knows our marriage is in danger or atleast I can and will leave if it continues. she thinks I have a HD but I don't think once a week and maybe a little extra on special occasions eg. birthday or back from extended time apart like a 3 week business trip is asking for too much. I made it as clear as I could in recent months that I am not going down the sexless path at 23 and by 24 I will be single if it keeps up that is 9 months away. I know we are young and probably still pretty dumb (well me anyway) but for the life of me I can not see why she doesn't want sex I have only confided here and in one very close mate who's wife recently had a baby as well. if I was to compare other couples our age and with the same life she has it bloody good as he put it I might not make millions but I make more then enough to provide a house and nice things and have money left over she doesn't have to work, my job is 100% secure and I do it out of love even tho it stresses the Christ out of me and I actually hate it. I do all the house work now and if I don't the cleaner picks up the slack, I try and surprise her often with flowers and chocolates or something nice she has wanted and all I get is a thank you and maybe a hug. recently she use an excuse I don't feel sexy to which ever since I have been complementing her and have also tried giving her sexy items and clothing which is never worn even telling her she looks sexy she has had other guys hit on her while out with friends. And I look after our son who I love very much and I do all the hard stuff with like the 4am or earlier feeds and soothing at night the only time she has to is when I am away for work which is not very often and even then I have limited it to no more then 4 nights in a row. Just out of curiosity after typing all this does treat them mean keep them keen work?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Attraction is a funny thing. Aitrus gave you excellent advice. Read and reread it until the attidude he has is the attidude you have. You cannot, repeat cannot have a sexual marriage until you have this attidude.

Now, back to attraction being a funny thing. You asked your wife "what can I do to make you want more sex". That is the worst thing you can do to make a woman attracted to you. The second worst thing is doing all the things on her list, and the third worst thing is doing the additional hoops she adds to her list. You are becoming her trained dog, and she is not attracted to trained dogs.

What you have to realize is that in your marriage, the needs of the individual are the only thing that matters. This is your wife's attidude. Her needs matter, your needs don't matter. This is why she's not sexual. She is asserting herself over you in the way a woman can do it (since she cannot physically assert herself over a man).

Wouldn't your life improve greatly if you lived for yourself and your son and did not have to bother trying to do anything for your wife? Wouldn't this free you of pressure and headache? You could come and go as you please, do as you please, with your own individual desires as your guide. She does not have to be the enemy and can be welcome to participate in the life you want to create.

Take a page from her book and live life on your terms... When she starts complaining, mention in a happy way that this is just the nature of your marriage... we don't meet each other's needs around here.... If she wants that to change you are more than willing to start working on a marriage where we both meet each other's needs as a priority... And to let you know if she wants a marraige like that.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I have to disagree with the "live for yourself" mentality. Mr. Pink is a highly closed off person who is not naturally affectionate and NEVER compliments. Those are HIGH on my list of emotional needs.

You're right in that he ought to stop thinking he'll get laid if he completely his list of chores, though. But he also won't get laid if her ignores her needs for emotional connection.


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Wow, so your wife is masturbating, getting caught masturbating no less, but still makes excuses to not have sex with you? Your wife was a shy virgin when you met her and now 4 years later sex went from so so to awful after her first pregnancy.
> 
> I like that you haven't let this go for so long. I really like how you have asked her what YOU can do to help and then followed through. I don't like her excuses, and they are gals, phony and complete BS!
> 
> ...


Yes she does and when it 1st happened it was a major blow! she used to orgasm regularly not always from sex but from oral and a lot of the time before our son I would barely get her pants off before she flooding the bed so to speak but now she doesn't want me around.

My hygiene has always been good I shower twice sometimes three times a day due to gym I have always shaven including down there since I was about 15 and a girl that gave me a bj wasn't into the hair and I found out most aren't since then I always try and take care of my body I go to the gym 3 to 4 times a week normally 2 weight sessions and 1 to 2 cardio session I live in Queensland in Australia so deodorant is a must and because of my corporate job I wear cologne everyday and my teeth are perfect apart from one filling I got when I was 13 but it is white and have brushed flossed and mouth washed twice a day ever since

I don't believe she is embracing sex fully as I said in the OP she only likes it in the same position and I have tried to change it up a little even just having her legs open in the missionary is too painful to her let alone being on top or anything else and I will be trying that marriage builders questionnaire hopefully she will to.


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

Aitrus - I like a lot of what you are saying especially the happy/needs list and I am willing to walk away she has always had a very different view of what marriage is compared to me hers is a religious view.....to me its a piece of paper that I threw a party for and spent a lot of money on havening a bunch of people I don't like around. I am sorry but I am pretty blunt when it comes to religion (I had 8 years of it forced down my throat) I have seen a lawyer about divorce and in Australia its pretty easy, you separate for a year and then file, with our son however she is entitled to 28% of my wage which is fine with me and she will most likely get the house, the more expensive car and all the furniture to which its all money and I really don't care it can all be replaced in time and at the moment it is on my side. I will always be apart of my sons life and I would demand at least 50% custody he is still young and I know it would be better if we do split to do it before he gets older and make things more complicated


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

Hicks - Well as of tonight the list is gone I will still tell her I love her and how I find her attractive because I do, And I am going to Quote you When she starts complaining, mention in a happy way that this is just the nature of your marriage... "we don't meet each other's needs around here" I know her love languages are words of affirmation and gifts. me on the other hand acts of service and touch or whatever its called not just sex but intimacy


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Good.
There are various approaches you can use but they all require a certain underlying attitude which you seem to grasp:
-- A husband and wife have to meet each other's needs in a marriage
-- If I meet my wife's needs and she refuses to meet my needs, then she is choosing not to be a wife to me as I define what a wife is.
-- I will teach her what my idea of marriage is (first bullet point) and I will point out that my needs are sexual needs (as a man that is who I am)
-- I will give her the choice to be this type of wife or not

Now, it is a fine art whehter you choose to meet her needs or to withhold.... You only withhold after you know you are either doing a good job meeting her needs to allow her to understand the difference between having her needs met and not having them met. I gave my advice based on the assumtion that you have been meeting her needs all along.

Now, having said that, if you are going to withholld, and her LL is "words of affirmation", then make sure you don't say you love her and you find her attractive. Instead, tell her that the door is open for you and her to create a mutually fulfilling marriage if that is somethign she wants to do.


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

I have decided to be a bit hot and cold today just to let her know I am pissed off but I still here for now. Today has been one of the best days in a very long time for me I called in sick to work early and then I went and hung out with a mate and went motorbike riding and didn't answer any calls or texts just had a me day. When I got home she started having her normal hissy fit cause I wasn't doing everything and I left the house early around 6:30am and didn't say a word to her all day but I got to use your line Hicks "we don't meet each others needs around here" she was so angry and all I didn't was pick up our son and started making his dinner after I bathed him and put him in bed she came to suck up a little and we had a brief talk about 10 minutes before she left in a huff to watch tv she asked me what is my problem today and I told her "I feel you have been a very lazy wife" to which she responded " Its pretty hard to get anything done when you are looking after a baby all day" and I told her "no its not, yes there are some days when he can be a real handful but most days he isn't. You just don't get to sit on your ass all day and play on your ipad or phone!" (facebook and all those social network things she basically lives on) she claimed she doesn't do nothing all day and when I asked her what she does she said she watches him. I cook all his food for him and I know its slack but I only cook for us about 3 to 4 times a week and the rest is take-out usually (unless she has some crazy urge to make some elaborate chef meal and buy a whole heap of crap to do it) but when I asked her "how is it when I'm watching him a few days a week I can still manage to clean the house up, do the laundry, play games with him, do the yard work, and cook his meals or at least a couple" she that is when she had the huff and walked away I told her as she was walking away not to have high exaptation's of getting everything she wants anymore without sacrifice.


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

I am going to try and talk to her again in half an hour (just letting her cool off or absorb it all whatever she needs to do so I'm not just putting it all at her in one big hit) I am thinking I will say this after I tell her we need to talk "For a long time now you haven't been meeting my needs in this marriage and taking alot. I am not going to be doing this still at Christmas. (figured that is a good dead line 6 months) Untill you start to meet my needs in the marriage eg. do some things for me to show me you love me and we have some intimacy back in our relationship don't expect your need to always be filled and I and going to be taking more time for myself so if you want to plan anything on the weekend from now on let me know a week in advance and I will see if I am available"

Should I change anything or should that suffice (normal I would get my co worker to proof read my stuff but its kinda personal)


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Great job! - response to post #15

In response to post #16, I don't think saying that is necessary right now.

I would spend a little time being the guy in post #15, gradually making it clear to both of you she is either the wife you need or not the wife you need.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You need to read Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.

If you are working full time, then coming home and doing all the housework, cooking the meals, and watching your son while you're there, then you're not being a husband. You're being a butler. And women aren't attracted to butlers.

So, you have to stop doing that. Do your part. Yes, you should help watch your son while you're home. That means help. Not take it over completely.

I would go light on your conversations. Just change your actions. Keep your words to a minimum. Let her know the way things are. But you're not going to debate your wife into a change of heart. She will only change when your actions make it clear to her that she must change, or she will lose you.

Also, I don't recommend the books that are books for couples. Your wife has told you what she wants from you and you've done it. And her behavior didn't change. So stop taking that route. Work on you. You need to change. That's when she will change.

So, don't say anything else. Just go to Married Man Sex Life (MMSL) and run the marriage action plan (MAP). And don't tell your wife about it. Keep a little mystery.

Good luck.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

aeasty said: "I am thinking I will say this after I tell her we need to talk "For a long time now you haven't been meeting my needs in this marriage and taking alot. I am not going to be doing this still at Christmas. (figured that is a good dead line 6 months) Untill you start to meet my needs in the marriage eg. do some things for me to show me you love me and we have some intimacy back in our relationship don't expect your need to always be filled and I and going to be taking more time for myself so if you want to plan anything on the weekend from now on let me know a week in advance and I will see if I am available" "

I think it is fine to say this, but you can say it without:

*sounding snarky or mean

*sounding like it is a threat (it shouldn't be, it should be a statement of fact)

*sounding like you are angry...if you are throwing down the "I'm outta here if you don't change" card, then you are at the end of the line and there should be no use for anger...just work it out, or not.

Also...I hope you are careful when you are telling her that she needs to start meeting your needs too, that you make it very loving and positive in tone and words. The point is, if behind your words is "I hate you because you don't want to f*ck me!" then that crying, whiny voice is going to come through loud and clear. Instead you want a tone that says "I'm so concerned about the future of our marriage if we have lost our intimacy, and I want to work on that before it is too late, please join me".

I'm offering these tidbits because I don't want you to turn her completely off. You should be focused on communicating your needs, not making demands. 

Good luck.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Wondering if she perhaps has Post Partum Depression? Although it sounds like shes never been a sexual wildcat - its concerning that she is also not doing hints around the house or with your son, etc. Sounds like she is unhappy and uninterested in everything, not just sex.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Some women can experience really bad pain during sex which can come on after a birth or get worse after birth. It's related to pelvic muscle pain. Might be something she could look into or is experiencing?

I find it odd that she is masterbating but not interested in coupled sex. There needs to be major communication about this. Is she in pain, is she satisfied, why is she choosing masterbation while shutting you out (sooooo unfair!)


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Post partum depression or pain could be the exact reasons.
However, the OP is not a doctor or a psychologist.

If she has physical or emotional issues to work through, she will do that if she is motiviated to do that. She will be motiviated to do that if her husband will accept nothign else than her 100% effort of being a wife and she values her relationship with him.


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

Well I didn't end up saying what I was going to last night I said we need to talk and she just ignored me and watched tv I ended up going to bed and she came in a few hours later and decided she wanted to talk a little I told her how I think the intimacy is gone in our relationship and she disagreed a little but she said "she is no longer interested in sex until she feels like having another child" and I just said openly "I do not think I can do that, with the way things are going I think im starting to get resentments" I also told her I am willing to work on whatever she needs to get her sex drive back but she said it just isn't there. Which clearly it is cause she still masturbates and even did it last night when she thought I was asleep.

Missscarlet - she is interested in few things she lives on Facebook, instagram and recently she left goggle open on the computer after she went out and has a crush on one of the glee kids(FYI they are the complete opposite of me)

I know she hasn't enjoy sex on the last few times but that would be because there is no foreplay and its been just done so I don't say anything else about it and after about 30 seconds I end up just getting up and walking away. before our son it was decent not crazy monkey sex but there was atleast a want and need. PPD could be a serious thing because she is always claiming she is so tired yet sleeps 10hrs straight a night every night just about and she does little exercise, I have tried to motivate her to come to the gym with me I go 4 times a week normally but she wont I have also asked several times to go see a doctor just for a check up and she wont she did miss her 6 week after birth gyno check up and hasn't been since and refuses to go.


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

Well we had a little talk again last night when I got home from work don't know if its progress or even in the right direction here is what was said. Her: whats your problem lately? me: us Her: whats wrong with us? me: our sex life and a few other things. her:... what is wrong with it? me: how its been 5 months since we last had sex and even then you wernt into it just shutting me up. Her: so that's how all married sex lives are. Me: well I don't want a life like that and I wont have it. her: what you would leave us over some sex? me: no not over sex but over a depressing life...yes I would. She then way for 20 or so minutes and I went to my office and started working she came in and just said "do what you want" and she walked away I finished up working and went into the kitchen and she hardly spoke a word to me all night I ended up going to a mates little party and came in at 11 and put bub down and she gave me a hug and went back to bed and now its 8am on Saturday morning and she hasn't said anything to me before she left to go to her mums and help there (her mum is having a party tonight)


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

A doctor visit might be in order here. I had terrible ppd with my first and my ex was a compete a$$ about it. He'd lecture me daily about how I sleep too much, don't do enough, don't f$ck him, etc all it did was make me resent him. I got to the point where I just hated his guts; we did have other issues as well but that was where it really started to go downhill. I never got over that. It sounds like you're nothing like my ex so it's not a fair comparison, but I wanted to point out that ppd serious and would explain this. Have you tried approaching this not from the perspective of your needs, but that she just doesn't seem happy and would she be willing to see the doctor? She's basically already told you to go to h$ll so what do you have to lose?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

She thinks you are bluffing. Hold your ground.

But also, did you read my post above?

If you are sounding like a jerk about it in your tone, don't expect her to take you seriously.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> She thinks you are bluffing. Hold your ground.
> 
> But also, did you read my post above?
> 
> If you are sounding like a jerk about it in your tone, don't expect her to take you seriously.


I'm sure you meant what you said, so don't doubt yourself.

If she cannot grasp that the last time you had relations was 5 months ago and that's a pretty serious matter.

I wouldn't say anything, and let that be the conversation for a few days - go about your normal routine. She will eventually respond. 

I believe, you don't want to arm bar her about this - but when she opens back up, you can see if you two can get some outside help.


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

Faithful wife - I did read your post and I have tried to not sound like a whiny jerk with my tone and how I spoke with her. typing doesn't really convey tone and how you have spoken fully. I have tried to get her to go see a doctor and she wont I'm really running out of options. thinking about having one come to our house and basically lock her in a room with him till she will talk! I think I may have left it to late to fix


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

aeasty said:


> Faithful wife - I did read your post and I have tried to not sound like a whiny jerk with my tone and how I spoke with her. typing doesn't really convey tone and how you have spoken fully. I have tried to get her to go see a doctor and she wont I'm really running out of options. thinking about having one come to our house and basically lock her in a room with him till she will talk! I think I may have left it to late to fix


I love that idea. When I she refuses to go to the doctor, have one come to you. That's the best you can do.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your doing great. Just keep speaking the truth. 

Wife this isn't about sex. It's about not being loved by you. It's about having a wife who doesn't care about me. It's about having a wife who refuses to meet my needs.


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

little update on current things - No where near any better, thinking now I should have just kept my mouth shut. so we went to her mums party where I was surrounded by a lot of death eyes from her family and friends(except one friend but that not here or there and her father) so I guess she must of spoken with some of them at least but anyway we got home around midnight and she even decided to lock the bedroom door when she went to bed I was up for a little bit longer getting our son into bed so I had yet another night in the spare room and at 2am or there about I got a strange message from her (don't know why she sent a text message instead of walking 15 steps) asking why I'm unhappy all of a sudden? and I replied "Because I'm frustrated and feeling un-loved" and she sent back nothing I assume she went to sleep at this point. A couple of hours ago we had another little chat and I said the main reason I am not happy is it seems like you don't want me, just want my pay check. she replied with "I'm just tired and cant be bothered" and I told her "you need to make an effort, I still do even after a really long stressful day" and she said " I don't work like that, you know that" and I kind of lost it a little and told her "well if you don't start I might just give into the next person who does" and she said "You wouldn't cheat on me" and now I was pretty over it and just asked her " do you want a devoice? I will even be the bad guy and file if that is what you want. I have tried for months now to get US back on track and nothing seems to change" She didn't do anything didn't even raise her voice or anything and said "I'm tired do what ever" I then called her on her little crush on one of the glee kids and said "what does he have that I don't?" "he's good looking" that is all she said before walking off. now I left confused as her idea of good looking as drastically changed since having our son or she was never really into me from the start. Yes I have changed in appearance since we first started dating but everyone does especially since 17. I lost a lot of muscle when I changed careers from carpenter to corporate but I go to the gym and do weights to try and keep it up and I no longer eat fast food (except for special occasions) what else can I do (please don't suggest steroids they are nasty what they do to peoples bodies)


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> Aeasty I think you backed yourself into a corner because you did not take the time to formulate a worable plan.
> 
> If you agree then let things sit for now. There is no rush right? This is a monumental decision to end your marrige effect a child and has a substantial impact on finances.
> 
> ...


Catherine, I now realise that sex is not the problem in our relationship it was just a symptom so to speak. After speaking with her mother today I found out she actually had/has depression back from when she was 15 she never told me about this one of the biggest problems she had with her was getting her to go to see a doctor and take her medication for the 1st few weeks after that she was fine and would take them but she refused at first. she was "cured" about 6 months before we started dating and I'm assuming she has been on a high so to speak ever since now there has been no new or exciting experiences in a relationship for a couple of months, we went from engaged married in a year and then a baby soon after. I think she has slipped back into a depression state. I have gotten her old doctors number and I will be arranging a appointment with him for myself to try and get her there more co-operate and also to find out I can support her better and after speaking with her mum today I don't think I will leave her if I can get her help. she thought she never properly recovered but the doctor thought she had enough to stop taking pristig I believe its called pres something, anyways I'm going to try and get her back on them for a short time just to help her up and work on what is making her depressed. thank you everyone who has tried to help me and her but it seems like it wasn't just sex after all. I will let you all know if anything changes


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## TexasFlyer (Apr 30, 2012)

I am sorry you're having this issue.. Rather than talk about depression and the like, I have a different suggestion..

Please read 'No More Mr. Nice Guy'..

There are two things happening that I see - 

a. She is losing respect for you. No woman wants to have sex with a man they don't respect. You need to, pardon the phrase, Man Up. Stop begging for sex, begging for attention. This is usually a sign that a woman has begun flirting with the idea of an affair.

b. When sex is used to control, manipulate, give in with pity.. This is SEXUAL ABUSE! You are being sexually abused by your mate and needs to stop immediately. Stand your ground. Find a sex therapist, and if she refuses to go, you leave. 

I am speaking from experience, and your story very closely resembles my own. When you give up who you are for the person you love, they lose respect for you. I thought I was doing the right thing by giving space, easing up.. Thought I was helping.. I was wrong!! I was changing who I was to accomodate someone elses problem. This creates codependence, loss of respect, resentment.. It primes the marriage for affairs. I am sorry you are going through it, it sucks.. Find a good sex therapist, read the book mentioned above, and I hope it gets better for you.


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

Well it has been a couple of weeks and here is where we/I am at.

She has been taking her depression medication for awhile now and not much has changed except she is going out with a group of her work friends more and is being more selfish.

We had one sexual moment about 3 weeks ago but that was just her trying to manipulate me to try and stop me going motorbike riding.

Lately I have found myself just being brutally honest with her and anyone who asks even when she is around. The other night a friend of mine was over giving me a hand with some new furniture and he asked how's the wife and even with her standing a few metres away in the other room I couldn't even say the normal married man lines I ended up saying "doesn't cook, doesn't clean, doesn't do anything but facebook so I guess she is fantastic" in a really sarcastic way. 

I think I have accepted now that I made the mistake of letting her get this selfish (not just with sex but with everything) and the last week since I have injured myself has proved it to me even more. I have done serious legimate damage in my knee after dislocating it several times in a afternoon and now I have to wear a knee brace for the next few months at least and restrict movement of it as much as possible and I have been working nights getting home around 3:30am and having to go back to work around noon and when our son wakes for a bottle at 6am she just lays there and I know she is awake cause she has woken me to get her phone off charge or the other night she had the nerve to wake me to go feed him. I did end up getting up and feeding him his bottle and giving him his morning cuddle so he would go back to sleep for a few hours and I could get the sleep I needed.

After I woke up that day I calmly told her she is being selfish. I had been at work all night and most of the day and I am extremely tired and need some undisturbed sleep. then she said maybe your just being a sook. I didn't say anything for a few seconds but responded with "maybe, but I am the one who works to put the roof over us, who pays the F***ing bills and the one who looks after our son most of the time because your tired or depressed or some other emotional state that seems to make you think you get to be lazy" and it was like the medication instantly wore off and she said "its not I want to be depressed I cant help that" and I was still pretty angry when I responded with "Maybe your just being a sook" she started to walk off and I told her 'I am sick to death of this crap, If you want to argue and fight be prepared to hear sh*t you don't like" after that she did her normal facebook and head in the phone for a few hours I went to work after dropping our son at my parents place for her to watch him for a couple hours while I finished up my months work. I received a text the usual why are you being a arsehole? I didn't reply when I got home I told her because being nice and doing everything seemed to get me nowhere with you but make me miserable and you still act the same. she blamed it on depression but I think its a cop out everything seems to be depressions fault. anyone got any new ideas?

ps - m/c she still refuses to go and I don't even think it would be worth the money now.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Her attempts to bait you into an argument should be ignored. You're not going to debate her into being reasonable. You are either going to force her to behave reasonably by refusing to do her duties for her, or by obviously preparing to leave her. One of those might work. You making passive aggressive comments to friends where she can overhear you will not work.

Seriously. Run the MAP. Maybe she is depressed. Maybe she is just using a past diagnosis of depression to manipulate you. Either way, it doesn't matter much. Even if she is depressed, she has the responsibility to take care of it. If she refuses, that's not your fault. Unless you allow her to continue in the status quo.

Good luck.


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## Michelleinmichigan (Jun 26, 2013)

Depressed people are very selfish, and miserable to be around. She is likely sick, so try not to take things personally. I would try and think of things from the perspective of your child. What kind of a spouse would you want your son to have if he was depressed and behaved this way? I would hope for a loving spouse of my sick child at least for a certain period of time.

If she is truly religious she would believe what the bible says which is basically have sex when your spouse wants. Not in those words obviously.

1 corinthians 7: do not deprive one another

If there is no pornography involved, which makes normal women feel the sex is a dirty or an assault, and causes depression in the case of sex addiction, then she has a problem. Regardless, please try and give a loving example while you are together if only for the sake of your son. 

I don't think anyone should be obligated to care for a sick person forever, and I would definitly pray about your options.


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

Michelleinmichigan - Our sex life is anything but pornographic, as for the religion I honestly don't know anymore she was going then stoped and then started again and has since stoped I have even offered to attend if she would like with no other obligations but she said "no because you will just sit there and not really care about it" to which I said I will go and participate I cant say I will believe in it all but I will go for you" she just said "don't worry about it" in a huffy mood. If it wasn't for our son I probably would have left already I have been trying to help her out of her depressed state in as many ways as possible but as anyone who has dealt with depression it can be like heading your head against a brick wall repeatedly. I spoke with her doctor today and he said there is still a few more options in the ways of medication yet and he said he hasn't noticed a great improvement like last time when she went on medication. I will try my best show our son a loving, caring relationship and usually it isn't so hard but with lack of sleep and a lot of other stress I think the past few weeks just caught up with us.


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

PHTlump - I don't normally make passive aggressive comments but have just gotten so sick of whole bloody "lets pretend everything is wonderful" crap and have decided to go back to the way I used to be with my friends and only be completely honest I still would have said it even if she wasn't in ear shot. she has also seen me looking at new places to buy and rent and she even asked me and I was nothing short of completely honest "with the way things haven't been improving I don't think I will be here for another year so may aswell look at the market". she then asked how could I afford to do that to which I told her she would probably need to start working full time again as she would only be getting a little over a quarter of my pay if we were to split. it kind of seemed like a few lights came on when I told her this and how I had researched it.

In other notes on this ongoing trouble I'm having with her recently she has been using the line of "I cant help that I have depression" I have told her "that isn't a excuse for getting out of things" she has been using it constantly I have stoped doing all the house hold chores and when I get home from work I will only do some cleaning when I asked her why she hasn't done any in days she used the "I'm depressed and don't feel like cleaning" line and I said that "if not feeling like doing something is a good enough excuse then I am never going to work again" she then used the I cant help I've got depression line to which I said it is only depression you're not disabled, you're not an amputee, depression is a state of mind if your medication isn't helping we need to go back to the doctor and see what else we can do" she said she didn't want to keep taking pills and I said "fine but you got to see a doctor first because you need to reduce your dosage over time or you could end up worse" and I got the I don't care crap. sex is still nill apart from the little bit where she tried to manipulate me into staying home


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Actually engaging in activities helps lift the mood along with meds for depressives. It usually takes about 6 weeks to see the full benefit of antidepressants.

Can you speak with her therapist? Some effort should be made to get her to stop hibernating since it does not help her depression. 

Is there any way you can cancel internet temporarily? You can tell her that being on Facebook is not an activity that helps her or the family. She still has the smart phone but maybe a basic phone for a short time may be better. 

What leverage do you have? How can you get her to stop using depression as an excuse? When the baby cries wake her up and ask her to see to the baby. 

The housework, what can you do to motivate her? What is she getting out of not doing housework? You do it. Give her tasks to do. Ask her to do them. What are the consequences if she ignores you? You have to figure that out. 

Tell her that her refusal to work on helping herself is not helping the baby. It is not the child's fault that she has depression. She needs to be a good mother to this one child.


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

Catherine602 - I have been talking to her doctors and they agree that she hasn't really improved even after a few days on the medication there should of been a noticeable change as for her hibernating I have tried everything just about I'm seriously considering removing the bedroom door. As for the leverage I have with her doing household chores well there isn't any I have tried not doing them but what happens is she just leaves it go last time I left the dishes go we ran out of everything cups, plates, knifes, forks everything and she would just wash the least dirty item that she needed in the end I had to buy new cutlery because they started to rust! I have now changed our wifi password but because she has a iPhone she just uses her data and we are on unlimited plans so there is not real repercussions if she does and I would just take it off her but last time I did that it was wwIII. The last couple of days have been exhausting to say the least as I have been trying to work and look after our son and she has had a stomach bug and couldn't do anything. I never once saw her rush to the bathroom but I have her the benefit of doubt and now 2 and a half days later she is all better and went to work on a shift that they called an hour ago asking if she can come in. I think she might want to go back to work full time I am going to ask her when she gets home if so hopefully it will make her happy again. The past week I have just made it very clear to her that her Facebook and other social media is destructive to our family with the amount of time she spends on them she has tried using every excuse like they make me happy to which I said go and get a coffee with that person and catch up like every other adult she also tried the but you have Facebook to which I told her I spend about 30 minutes a day if that on it before I go to sleep and usually I am talking with mates who are away for work or travelling overseas or who are deployed and it is usually to arranged a catch up or checking party invites and could careless about what John **** and Harry took a photo of there lunch for. I also told her that if I need to I will take her phone and give her a old school one without Internet and she just laughed and I told her its in my name and I will just cancel it but she just said she will get her own. I have been getting hell from her because I have been making her get up when I get up for work or our son unless she has had a valid reason to need to sleep in which she has hated but since I leave for work an hour after I get up I can't make sure she just doesn't go back to bed as soon as I leave when I get get home most of the time she is laying on bed on her phone or iPad and our son is just placed in the back room(we have made it like a toy room and have a gate over the front )with all his toys everywhere going crazy which is fine but she isn't even watching him. I am thinking of asking her to go spend a night at her mums so I can think about us with out her around. I would stay somewhere else for a night but the fact is I'm loosing trust in her to look after our son.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

aeasty said:


> Aitrus - I like a lot of what you are saying especially the happy/needs list and I am willing to walk away she has always had a very different view of what marriage is compared to me hers is a religious view.....to me its a piece of paper that I threw a party for and spent a lot of money on havening a bunch of people I don't like around.


If your wife thinks that her view of marriage is a religious point of view then take her to see a priest/minister and discuss your lack of sex life with that person. You see, your wife is NOT following a religious view of marriage. Sex and plenty of it is very much part of the religious view of marriage. By refusing to have sex with you (not pity sex but good, emotionally connected sex) your wife is breaking her ‘religious’ marriage vows.




aeasty said:


> I am sorry but I am pretty blunt when it comes to religion (I had 8 years of it forced down my throat) I have seen a lawyer about divorce and in Australia its pretty easy, you separate for a year and then file, with our son however she is entitled to 28% of my wage which is fine with me and she will most likely get the house, the more expensive car and all the furniture to which its all money and I really don't care it can all be replaced in time and at the moment it is on my side. I will always be apart of my sons life and I would demand at least 50% custody he is still young and I know it would be better if we do split to do it before he gets older and make things more complicated


Is the amount of child support the same no matter how much custody you have of your son? It seems that it should go down the more custody you have.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your wife is of course using her depression as an excuse. You know this so don't accept it. I've suffered from depression. It can be debilitating. But it's up to the person suffering from it to find a way to pull themselves out of it and do the things they need to do and even find ways to improve the way they feel. It's not an excuse.

I think that for your son's sake your wife needs to work full time. Being home all day with a depressed person will most likely pull him down emotionally. Plus she will be teaching him to use things like depression as an excuse for living life.

I'm sorry to say but I don't see your marriage getting any better because your wife is so stuck on her own selfish point of view and her own excuses that she is not going to make the needed changes.

Take the door off the bedroom if she continues to lock you out of it. Tell her that if she wants to sleep by herself she is welcome to find somewhere else to sleep. You are entitled to sleep in the bedroom you pay for.

Cancel her phone and get her that cheap one. At least she will be motivated to go to work to pay for the a new phone if that's what she wants. 

If I were you I'd start cutting her off from access to your income as well. This too will motivate her to go back to work full time. 

I know I might sound harsh. Generally I'm very supportive of working on a marriage. When two people work together they can fix just about any relationship problems. But your wife has no motivation to save her marriage. She seems to truly believe that she has got you in the marriage trap and she now calls all the shots.

You are a young man, too young to throw your life away in this kind of 'marriage'.


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> aeasty said: "I am thinking I will say this after I tell her we need to talk "For a long time now you haven't been meeting my needs in this marriage and taking alot. I am not going to be doing this still at Christmas. (figured that is a good dead line 6 months) Untill you start to meet my needs in the marriage eg. do some things for me to show me you love me and we have some intimacy back in our relationship don't expect your need to always be filled and I and going to be taking more time for myself so if you want to plan anything on the weekend from now on let me know a week in advance and I will see if I am available" "
> 
> I think it is fine to say this, but you can say it without:
> 
> ...


VALUABLE ADVICE HERE. Recuperating from years void of sex, I made this approach with my wife. never point a finger of blame. Never be accusatory.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Do you have family around who could take care of your son if you gained a significant amount of custody? 

If it should come to divorce, you will have to show that you will be able to arrange for his care when you work. Keep records of the custodial care you give to your son. 

Custody is often predicated on which parent has demonstrated the most involvement in the custodial care of the child. Sounds like you are the one who cares for him even though you are working full time. 

My feeling is that she will not do anything to help herself until she reaches a crisis. Separation may be a good crisis to open her eyes to reality.

Keep being strong and resolute, you are doing the right thing. Depression is not and excuse to put her full weight on you and to neglect the child. 

IMHO - You have far too many devices in your home. iPad, laptop, desktop, smart phone? Who needs all that stuff. At this point, basic phone and laptop with restricted use, removes temptation to over indulge. 

The escape into the internet is symptomatic of and potentiates her depression. She may get royally pissed but don't let that dissuade you. However, this is what she needs. 

Is there anyone you can turn to for support? Keep posting here for support. You are doing the right thing. 

In the end, you getting commando all over this at this point, will be more effective than being solely supportive, I think.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

aeasty said:


> her: what you would leave us over some sex? me: no not over sex but over a depressing life...yes I would.


You're doing really good right now. But you need to check that "leave us" action right now. My gut says she thinks she will get to have your son (who is much more important to her than you) to herself and you'll be paying the bills.

Make sure she knows that, in the event of a split-up, you'll get a full 50% custody and she can be alone a week at a time, sitting on the computer figuring out how it all went wrong.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

aeasty said:


> ... so there is not real repercussions if she does and I would just take it off her but last time I did that it was wwIII.


So you're looking to enforce consequences that your wife won't care about? Why? Do you think, if she doesn't care about the consequences, that she will be motivated to change her behavior? I don't.

You need WWIII. You need to rock your wife's world to the foundations. Make her believe that, if she doesn't change her behavior, you will make her life hell until the day you divorce her. And then, it won't get much better.



> The past week I have just made it very clear to her that her Facebook and other social media is destructive to our family with the amount of time she spends on them ...


Quit your griping. It won't work. You will never debate your wife into behavior properly.



> I also told her that if I need to I will take her phone and give her a old school one without Internet and she just laughed and I told her its in my name and I will just cancel it but she just said she will get her own.


This is a perfect example. First, she doesn't believe you. You've been threatening forever and not following through. So, there is no way that she believes you would take away her phone. Also, if you did, she would be required to get a job to pay for her own phone. Awesome.



> I am thinking of asking her to go spend a night at her mums so I can think about us with out her around.


Didn't you just say you can't get her out of the bed? Just sit in the next room and you're away from her. Also, what is there to think about? Do you think she will change until you do? I don't.

I suggest you change your joint accounts into individual accounts with your name only. Give your wife an individual account and put an allowance into it that is enough to pay for the bare essentials. Then, replace her phone with a basic talk/text phone with no internet. Also, cut off her internet access from home. I also suggest putting hidden cameras around your house to verify that she is actually tending to your son during the day.

When she blows a gasket, just smile and say absolutely nothing. Eventually, she will either calm down and accept her new reality, or she will divorce you. Either way, you have resolved your situation.

Good luck.


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

So after my last post I cracked it I canceled the phone and have taken the handset to a friend who needed a new iPhone, took my bank cards off her and changed our wifi password and also put the child lock on the tv and haven't told her the code but it is only a 4 digit pin so it won't last forever, any who I told her if I see her on Facebook or any social media in the next few days I am going to throw her out! I am sick to death of your depression the only way you will get better is to help yourself! If I come home from work and you haven't done at least one productive thing that day you will be sleeping in the guest room she thought I was in a bad mood at first but has since started to shape up we actually had a conversation this morning and she is seemed to be seeing my point of you have to at least be productive in life to feel like you have done anything. Hopefully it sticks and I don't need to keep on her case
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Michelleinmichigan (Jun 26, 2013)

aeasty said:


> So after my last post I cracked it I canceled the phone and have taken the handset to a friend who needed a new iPhone, took my bank cards off her and changed our wifi password and also put the child lock on the tv and haven't told her the code but it is only a 4 digit pin so it won't last forever, any who I told her if I see her on Facebook or any social media in the next few days I am going to throw her out! I am sick to death of your depression the only way you will get better is to help yourself! If I come home from work and you haven't done at least one productive thing that day you will be sleeping in the guest room she thought I was in a bad mood at first but has since started to shape up we actually had a conversation this morning and she is seemed to be seeing my point of you have to at least be productive in life to feel like you have done anything. Hopefully it sticks and I don't need to keep on her case
> _Posted via Mobile Device_[/
> 
> I'm glad for you. A woman/family needs a man to be strong. Take your family to church. This all makes you a better person. Assuming there is no porno or other similar depression causing issues, your sacrificing acts will be a blessing to your son.
> ...


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

Hey guys, thanks for everything just a little update since I cracked it a few weeks ago she has pulled it together a bit more still has a bit of a whinge when I go out for a ride but nothing huge like she used to the house has been clean for the most part without me running around all day and night which has been nice and she is actually playing with or son instead of just putting him down in the toy room and getting on her phone (best decision ever getting rid of the smart phone) still no intimacy in our life but life is better then it was.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well that's a good start.

Get the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". The two of you could read them and work trough them. Since things are slowly moving in the right direction, take this next step. 

Hope it all works out.


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## Carlchurchill (Jan 23, 2013)

Hormone imbalances + staying at home looking after a toddler and not interacting with adults all day is one sure way to make a person feel like rubbish!

She should get a part time job just to get up and achieve something. 

Also it is known that most women hit their sexual peak from about 28, so just hang in there!!! Its healthy that she masterbates!!!


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

Carlchurchill said:


> She should get a part time job just to get up and achieve something.


She has a part time job, she used to work full time but with the birth of our boy she decided she wanted to be home more and went to part time she works a few shifts a week I kind of had to make her stick with working at the start but then she enjoyed the break from our son and now she has been ramping her hours back up bit by bit which I think is a good thing never hurts to have more money coming in. 

I am over books completely Elegirl I have found what I needed to do to break her depression cycle and she is now on the road to getting better it can take awhile but good things are ment to come to those who wait...apparently, at the very least I will atleast help her our of her depression and she has completely recovered if she still isn't interested then well it might be time to move on but I would have tried everything.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Wow, what a journey. Sounds like you are really taking the bull by the horns, advocating for what you want and getting some results! Thats great.

You probably are already doing this, but since you haven't mentioned it I thought it would be good to be sure....

Spend quality time with her without family, without baby.
Compliment her for all the improvements you're seeing and noticing. Tell her you appreciate her effort. Let her know, in ways she can absorb, that you still love her, still thinks she's sexy, and still want her.


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

hey everyone so in the last 2 weeks or so not much has happened she is getting better and we had a weekend away where we got to have some time together and a bit of a chat and I think its over. Not in a bad way but she just doesn't seem to have that intimacy anymore I think we will still be good friends until one of us moves on to someone else but yeah. I was trying everything possible to even get some spark of intimacy and she just wouldn't accept, it was like trying to light a fire underwater. The rest of life is good though, she is off her phone, actually goes out with our son, she even had a friends hens weekend and got tipsy. So I guess I just have to keep trying a little longer.


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