# Ex Wife is critically ill, don't know what to do



## J Valley

I hope this is the right thread to post my story. My ex wife and I have been divorced for more than 3 years now. Last night, I received a call from a mutual friend who informed me that my ex wife is critically ill in ICU for the past few days.

The thing is that I have not contacted her ever since we got divorced. We do not communicate at all. My friend just thought that I should know. Now, I am caught in a dilemma as to whether I should visit my ex or not. I have gone NC with her for so long and now to show up all of a sudden, it may complicate matters. Furthermore, I lived about 8 hours from her. Ever since we broke up, I have detached myself from her and moved out from the town that we used to live in.

Just a short background on our relationship:

We were married for about 8 years. We didn’t have any children, so that makes the divorce easier. We were both career minded people and the divorce was not financially difficult for both of us. We just split up everything equally and move on with our own life.

My wife had an EA with a co-worker. Even when she was having an EA, I did not suspect anything as we were getting along just fine. We still had our weekly romantic dinners, we went to the movies and the lovemaking then was simply incredible. However, knowing my wife, she has always been honest with me about everything. One day, she sat me down and told me about her EA. She told me that she was falling for her co-worker (OM) and they have not done anything physical yet. She did not intend to go any further in the relationship with the OM until she gets a divorce from me. That was the first time she mentioned the D word. I was devastated. I asked her what I have done wrong as her husband. She actually consoled me and said I have done nothing wrong. It was her who had wronged me. She said she just couldn’t help falling in love with the OM. I suggested MC for us but she told me that was no point as she didn’t want to remain married and didn’t want to hurt me any further.

From then on, I knew she had made up her mind and I decided to detach myself from her. Like I said, she has always been honest and good to me. To the very last day when I saw her, she gave me a long and affectionate hug. She was tearful and so was I. We said our goodbyes and we left amicably after that.

It has been 3 years now and suddenly I get this sort of phone call. I am still torn as to whether I should go to visit her or not. To be honest, I am not too keen to see my ex-in laws or even the OM (or possibly her husband now). Anyone in TAM has gone through this before? Any advice given would be greatly appreciated.


----------



## cantthinkstraight

I see nothing wrong with going to visit her and paying 
her your respects. If her family will allow it and you feel 
you need to do it... do it. 

You only live once, man.


----------



## keko

Seeing her is just going to ruin your life for the forseeable future. Send her a card at the most but I don't think you should be there.


----------



## Jibril

I have advice, though it's probably not good advice - just honest.

She left you entirely by choice. She isn't your problem anymore. She's not a part of your life anymore. 

Don't go.


----------



## IndiaInk

I second the posters who have told you not to go...especially if she has family that will be there to support/take care of her...

Send a card if you're so inclined...


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Sounds like your ex has plenty of support. Send a card and pray for her.

If you go see her, you run the risk of opening old wounds and possible rekindling embers that should've burnt out a long time ago.


----------



## AngryandUsed

I differ.

You were married for 8 years. She had a decent exit from the marriage. You know she was honest with you. She told you that she fell in love with her coworker and nothing physical happened while she was in marriage with you.

I see nothing wrong in you seeing her. Wish her good health and be warm to her. Visit.

You will be a different person to her now. And she will be a different person to you by now.


----------



## J Valley

You see, the thing is that if I go, the situation might be rather awkward and I may feel emotionally hurt seeing her again. If I don't go, I might regret it for the rest of my life. From what my friend told me, she is unconscious and has been that way for the last few days. So, sending her a card is not really the answer.

I guess I just have to make a decision sooner or later. Furthermore, I have just started going out with this lady about a month ago and I have not told her yet. We are still in the dating stage, so things might get a bit complicated with this turn of the event.


----------



## keko

How critical is her illness?


----------



## warlock07

I think both of you handled it the best way possible(except for her falling for the OM). A goodbye visit will be nice.

Not to make it movie plot but did she separate because of her illness?


----------



## warlock07

J Valley said:


> You see, the thing is that if I go, the situation might be rather awkward and I may feel emotionally hurt seeing her again. If I don't go, I might regret it for the rest of my life. From what my friend told me, she is unconscious and has been that way for the last few days. So, sending her a card is not really the answer.
> 
> I guess I just have to make a decision sooner or later. Furthermore, I have just started going out with this lady about a month ago and I have not told her yet. We are still in the dating stage, so things might get a bit complicated with this turn of the event.


You are visiting a dying ex. Nothing wrong with it


----------



## J Valley

keko said:


> How critical is her illness?


Cancer (adv stage). Not sure how advance, though.


----------



## J Valley

warlock07 said:


> I think both of you handled it the best way possible(except for her falling for the OM). A goodbye visit will be nice.
> 
> Not to make it movie plot but did she separate because of her illness?


I don't think so. But as we know, cancer could be a silent killer


----------



## AngryandUsed

J Valley said:


> You see, the thing is that if I go, the situation might be rather awkward and I may feel emotionally hurt seeing her again. If I don't go, I might regret it for the rest of my life. From what my friend told me, she is unconscious and has been that way for the last few days. So, sending her a card is not really the answer.
> 
> I guess I just have to make a decision sooner or later. Furthermore, I have just started going out with this lady about a month ago and I have not told her yet. We are still in the dating stage, so things might get a bit complicated with this turn of the event.


You wont get emotionally hurt now, after 3 years of divorce. Wont you visit a friend of yours who is terminally ill?

In any case, you should inform your lady about your earlier marriage, is it not?

What is the issue in visiting her?


----------



## Complexity

This is actually difficult, while the other posters gave sound advice I personally think you should visit. 

Bar the EA she was a good and honest woman whom you shared 8 years with. It sounds like you've moved on emotionally and seeing as your main concern is her relatives not specifically reigniting any old feelings, it wouldn't hurt if you visited, it's just an affable thing to do.

But that's just my personal opinion and I don't feel too strongly eitherway.


----------



## anonymouskitty

Send Her a card thanking her for all the good times and be done


----------



## moxy

Your split was amicable and even though it hurt you both, she did right by you in telling you up front about her intentions rather than having a full on affair and lying to you about it all. That in mind, I don't think it would be harmful for you to see her. If she is critically ill and possibly dying, then I think it'd be good for you to see her and wish her well because it might give both of you a sense of closure.


----------



## Jibril

AngryandUsed said:


> You wont get emotionally hurt now, after 3 years of divorce. Wont you visit a friend of yours who is terminally ill?
> 
> In any case, you should inform your lady about your earlier marriage, is it not?
> 
> What is the issue in visiting her?


I happen to be a sentimental SOB, and I'm inclined to agree. However, OP went NC on her, and hasn't been in touch with her for years. She is _not_ his friend.

I would understand if she sent him a Christmas card, or wished him a happy birthday every year. If she has made no effort to be friendly, I don't see why OP should start now. He will only be picking at an old scab.


----------



## crossbar

Dude, that's a tough one. People can give you advice until the cows come home but ultimately, it's you who has to make the decision. All I can say is, follow your heart and do what feels right to you.


----------



## AngryandUsed

Jibril said:


> I happen to be a sentimental SOB, and I'm inclined to agree. However, OP went NC on her, and hasn't been in touch with her for years. She is _not_ his friend.
> 
> *I would understand if she sent him a Christmas card, or wished him a happy birthday every year. If she has made no effort to be friendly, I don't see why OP should start now*. He will only be picking at an old scab.


That will be "if you do, I do" type. Why shouldn't we come out of this?
OP is not starting anything new. In fact, he is concluding....


----------



## anonymouskitty

You misunderstand Jibril, what he meant was if she was in intermittent contact with OP then visiting her would have been the right thing to do but they're practically strangers now so I don't see any reason for his going there

Having said that I don't think there would be any harm in doing just that, maybe go there and talk about all the laughs and fun times you shared, just getting her in a good mood. Nice thing to do for someone you knew


----------



## J Valley

Jibril said:


> I would understand if she sent him a Christmas card, or wished him a happy birthday every year. If she has made no effort to be friendly, I don't see why OP should start now. He will only be picking at an old scab.


She did sent me a few e-mails, asking if I am taking care of myself and hope that everything is going well. She even sent me an e-mail once reminding me to go for my annual medical check up! However, I have never replied to any of those e-mails.

Thinking back now, maybe I should have replied. You can see that I am having regrets now about past events. Maybe, I should not have gone NC with her. I should just remain friends but at the same time I knew I need to detach in order to move on.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Visiting his dying ex might make her feel better -- however, it might also make her feel worse because of how she left him for another man.


----------



## anonymouskitty

Well then its only right for you to go there and seek some closure as someone said, bury the past indifference. Better for your immortal soul)) No honestly now i think you should be kind to her, she's not got a long time left on this planet. She may well have some regrets that she'd like to atone for


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Visiting his dying ex might make her feel better -- however, it might also make her feel worse because of how she left him for another man.


I posted this before your response about the emails from her. Oh sh!t! No one gets out of here alive. Go see her, share a hug and a laugh and get on with your life.


----------



## keko

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> however, it might also make her feel worse because of how she left him for another man.


Good point.


----------



## warlock07

You will have the regret that you should have visited one last time. you can never change that. She sounds like a good woman.


----------



## anonymouskitty

warlock07 said:


> You will have the regret that you should have visited one last time. you can never change that. She sounds like a good woman.


I think this is why you should go


----------



## Illbehisfoolagain

If she has cancer, and is already unconscious, she probably won't make it long enough for you to make the trip anyway. 72 hours is about the longest she will live while after slipping into a coma. If she is in the 'death rattle' it means she is brain dead and has 24 hours at the most at that point (the noisy breathing is because they are brain dead and no longer have the natural reaction of clearing the phlegm from their throat). 

I see no reason why you should have any regrets or guilt about not visiting. You will have to find a way to come to terms with your not responding to her emails. I would bet she totally understood why though. A 16 hour round trip is a long way to see someone who did you like she did, when she won't even know that you are there. Her family WILL be there by her side, and they will be devastated by the impending loss of her. Trust me, that alone will be such a tragic, shattering experience, its just not a scene you want to take part in if you don't absolutely need to.


----------



## aug

She's unconscious. Is she at the end stage?

Since your mutual friend called, it could be a hint to go see her.

I say go see her. Thank her for the 8 years. Let her go so that you can move on now without questioning yourself in the future if you should had seen her or not.


----------



## lordmayhem

My first thought was no way, but after reading she's in an advanced stage of cancer and she's sent an occasional email or so, I agree with the others that say you should go. If for nothing else but your peace of mind. 

BTW, did she have this cancer before you divorced?


----------



## arbitrator

In this dilemma, I think that the greater weight should be given to seeing her. Provided that you are still on good terms with her family, which I'm very sure that you are.

If you don't see her and she eventually succumbs, then you will truly feel more awful and your conscience might well hurt you. She seemed to be up front with your marriage closure and you did celebrate a few good and loving years together.

Truth be known, if the the shoe was on the other foot, would she come see you if you were terminally ill? I really think that she would!

In any event, there is discernible pain present in both scenarios of going and not going. But deep-down, I think that your going to see her is the noble, loving, and Christian way of letting her know that you, for one fleeting moment in time, shared something special with her. Go see her, but leave when you absolutely feel that you must!

My prayers go with you, my friend! May God truly bless you!


----------



## Catherine602

I can understand why you were hurt and wanted not to be friends with her. But it sounded like she was an honest person. You marriage did not survive but it sounds like she did not stop caring about you or thinking about you. 

Go to her before she dies. Whisper in her ear that you were hurt that she fell in love with someone slse. But thank her for being honest with you and for the love your shared for 8 yrs. tell her that she should go with an easy mind, you forgive her and you are greatful for her honesty and her offer of friendship. She will hear you and it may comfort her to know you are alright. Go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jibril

That she _has_ reached out to you changes a lot. 

Go see visit her. I think she'd be really happy to see you, if she were awake.


----------



## BigLiam

JMO, but, since she cheated on you, and never made amends or restituion, I would not visit her. 
Sounds like she really did not care that she was hurting you by having the affair with the other guy. She could have dicorced first, without cheating.


----------



## BigLiam

J Valley said:


> She did sent me a few e-mails, asking if I am taking care of myself and hope that everything is going well. She even sent me an e-mail once reminding me to go for my annual medical check up! However, I have never replied to any of those e-mails.
> 
> Thinking back now, maybe I should have replied. You can see that I am having regrets now about past events. Maybe, I should not have gone NC with her. I should just remain friends but at the same time I knew I need to detach in order to move on.


I think you did the right thing, not responding.
After all, she was unfaithful and these little missives of hers seem rather presumptuous. she wanted to pretend she had done nothing wrong and you could all be friends. It assuaged her guilt.
But, she did chrat on you and you are best excising someone like that from your life, IMO.


----------



## BigLiam

warlock07 said:


> You will have the regret that you should have visited one last time. you can never change that. She sounds like a good woman.


Yeah, except that she set up her next relationship on his time. Maybe he would have met the woman of his dreams during the time she was having her affair, and that opportunity sailed because he , mistakenly, relied on her allegiance to her vows.EA's are affairs, right? It's infidelity, right?


----------



## BigLiam

Catherine602 said:


> I can understand why you were hurt and wanted not to be friends with her. But it sounded like she was an honest person. You marriage did not survive but it sounds like she did not stop caring about you or thinking about you.
> 
> Go to her before she dies. Whisper in her ear that you were hurt that she fell in love with someone slse. But thank her for being honest with you and for the love your shared for 8 yrs. tell her that she should go with an easy mind, you forgive her and you are greatful for her honesty and her offer of friendship. She will hear you and it may comfort her to know you are alright. Go.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


eh, how is having an affair honest?


----------



## anonymouskitty

Liam, its almost like your hurt ego is the one responding here. 

valley, The question is will you regret not seeing her?


----------



## Jibril

BigLiam said:


> Yeah, except that she set up her next relationship on his time. Maybe he would have met the woman of his dreams during the time she was having her affair, and that opportunity sailed because he , mistakenly, relied on her allegiance to her vows.EA's are affairs, right? It's infidelity, right?


It is. And you're right. 

But many of us are just being sentimental SOBs. I watch too many movies, myself.

She came clean, despite letting a new relationship blossom during her own marriage. She did try and reach out to him afterwards, despite betraying and hurting him. Yes, she may have been trying to assuage guilt, but... she's dying Liam. Despite OP's hurt, I don't sense any hostility towards his ex. And she clearly didn't either, since she reached out to him a few times.

It's a bittersweet ending. Go see her OP.

Damnit, I _do_ watch too many movies.


----------



## keko

J, ask this mutual friend specifically how advanced her cancer is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BigLiam

anonymouskitty said:


> Liam, its almost like your hurt ego is the one responding here.
> 
> valley, The question is will you regret not seeing her?


No, my ego is alright. But, I think folks are ignoring the fact that she cheated for who knows how long, thus robbing this guy of time and opportunities.
Now, if he mentioned she had apologized and acknowledged the transgression, that might make a difference. but, I saw nothing showing she had remorse about the cheating.


----------



## MainMan#6

I hope that the OP is already on his way to see her. Life is too short and precious to hold grudges.


----------



## EI

I think you need to go. I think you want to go or you wouldn't be here asking. If she is already unconscious in the end stages of cancer then she, likely, won't be regaining consciousness. It is my understanding that the 'hearing' is the last thing to go. As divorces go, especially those involving infidelity, it sounds like yours was fairly amicable.

When someone is gone, you don't get any do-overs. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Perhaps, she will be able to "rest in peace" better after knowing that you came to see her. Closure can be very healing. It is apparent that you loved her and that, although, your marriage did not survive she once loved and cared for you, as well. 

You may regret it if you don't go, but I really doubt that you will regret it if you do.


----------



## J Valley

Thanks everyone. I will be leaving first thing in the morning to visit my ex. It will be a long drive. I strongly believe that visiting her is the right thing to do. In a way, I think I do owe her for all the good times we shared together. 

I have just spoken to my lady friend. She didn't seem too happy about it as I will need to cancel our date but she agreed that I should visit the ex. She may have a bit of jealousy issue. Like I said, we have only dated about a month, we still got a long way to go to understand each other.

It will probably be a while before I post here again but I will keep all of you updated. Thanks again.


----------



## anonymouskitty

Ultimately, if the good times outweigh the bad then its worth every mile of the trip and every moment you spend with the ex


----------



## BigLiam

You need to do what you feel is right. Good luck.


----------



## MattMatt

J Valley said:


> Thanks everyone. I will be leaving first thing in the morning to visit my ex. It will be a long drive. I strongly believe that visiting her is the right thing to do. In a way, I think I do owe her for all the good times we shared together.
> 
> I have just spoken to my lady friend. She didn't seem too happy about it as I will need to cancel our date but she agreed that I should visit the ex. She may have a bit of jealousy issue. Like I said, we have only dated about a month, we still got a long way to go to understand each other.
> 
> It will probably be a while before I post here again but I will keep all of you updated. Thanks again.


Good luck, man. This has... just had to pause to take my glasses off and wipe the tears from my eyes.

Hope she can hear you, at least.


----------



## MattMatt

BigLiam said:


> JMO, but, since she cheated on you, and never made amends or restituion, I would not visit her.
> Sounds like she really did not care that she was hurting you by having the affair with the other guy. She could have dicorced first, without cheating.


I think, in her own way, she did try to make amends and offer some form of restitution at the time of the breakup.


----------



## warlock07

BigLiam said:


> Yeah, except that she set up her next relationship on his time. Maybe he would have met the woman of his dreams during the time she was having her affair, and that opportunity sailed because he , mistakenly, relied on her allegiance to her vows.EA's are affairs, right? It's infidelity, right?


 It is in a grey area. We always advice people here to divorce or MC if they start falling in love with the other person or before they start cheating. People do fall out of love and marriages end. When it happened, she did the honorable thing, considering the scenario.(Assuming she did not hide anything)


----------



## Seesaw

It sounds like you got the whole scenario right, from her A through not answering her emails, to your reaction now. Both of you are obviously good people. I hope you find peace and I am sure your new lady friend will understand and respect you when she has thought it through. All best wishes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

When my guy friend was hospitalized for his brain hemorrhage and in the icu in a coma, etc. I kept waiting for his ex to come and visit him, but she didn't. I think most family members would not be surprised if you wanted to visit and would accommodate a visit. It's natural to want to say goodbye to a partner you cared for and loved. You were a major part of her life for so long, but also if she is coherent you should be prepared to say something to make her feel good at how she contributed to your life.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

BigLiam said:


> JMO, but, since she cheated on you, and never made amends or restituion, I would not visit her.
> Sounds like she really did not care that she was hurting you by having the affair with the other guy. She could have dicorced first, without cheating.


BL, she's human and made mistakes like all of us. I get that you feel that cheaters are the scum of the earth and don't deserve forgiveness or redemption. But everything is not black or white. Ultimately, we are the sum of all of our parts -- some good and some bad. You being a lawyer should understand that.


----------



## Hicks

Don't go.
I don't even understand how this is even something you would consider. She got what she wanted.


----------



## CandieGirl

Are you really sure you want to see someone in the dying stages of cancer? If you have not seen this woman for years, you are in for a shock. Depending on her deterioration, you may not even recognize her. Not a very good last memory.

Plus, you've moved on; why stain your (possible?) new relationship with this? Keep your memories of your ex-wife the way you have them now. They sound like pretty decent memories!


----------



## Ben Connedfussed

It is tough! I feel you should follow your heart. And if compelled to go, take the lady friend, too! She can see you are on the level. AND SO CAN THE ex! Good luck!


----------



## survivorwife

J Valley said:


> Thanks everyone. I will be leaving first thing in the morning to visit my ex. It will be a long drive. I strongly believe that visiting her is the right thing to do. In a way, I think I do owe her for all the good times we shared together.
> 
> I have just spoken to my lady friend. She didn't seem too happy about it as I will need to cancel our date but she agreed that I should visit the ex. She may have a bit of jealousy issue. Like I said, we have only dated about a month, we still got a long way to go to understand each other.
> 
> It will probably be a while before I post here again but I will keep all of you updated. Thanks again.


I'm glad to read that you are going. It shows that you are a forgiving, kind and loving person and I suspect that your EX will accept this gesture of friendship in the spirit it was intended and be genuinely glad to see you. This gesture will give both of you the peace of mind that one could only hope for after such an event.

As for your current lady friend, she has nothing to be jealous of. You have a history, and your going to visit your critically ill Ex is not a threat to your new relationship. You gesture merely should indicated to the current lady friend what a genuinely warm and loving person you are that you are capable of forgiveness and closure, and not bitter about your past. If your lady friend can't see that about you, she is self-absorbed and not a keeper.


----------



## costa200

> As for your current lady friend, she has nothing to be jealous of. You have a history, and your going to visit your critically ill Ex is not a threat to your new relationship.


I'm willing to bet that his lady friend will still resent it somehow. I believe the OP really needs to work at assuring her that this is just a charitable human thing to do, and not some romantic dramatic episode.


----------



## survivorwife

costa200 said:


> I'm willing to bet that his lady friend will still resent it somehow. I believe the OP really needs to work at assuring her that this is just a charitable human thing to do, and not some romantic dramatic episode.


I would hope that this new lady friend was mature enough to already know and accept that this as a charitable human thing to do and that the OP would not have to explain it to her. It says something about what she would or would not do under similar circumstances. It's a good character test, in my opinion.


----------



## Almostrecovered

costa200 said:


> I'm willing to bet that his lady friend will still resent it somehow. I believe the OP really needs to work at assuring her that this is just a charitable human thing to do, and not some romantic dramatic episode.


really?

he's been with his new GF for only a month
he isn't visiting some old high school flame or something like that, he's saying GOODBYE to a woman he was married to for 8 years
she's DYING and there is absolutely no chance of a rekindled relationship

frankly, if she isn't understanding of that then I would question her ability to demonstrate empathy


OP- go get your closure, I've seen my mother die of cancer and it won't be pretty and you may not get any answers that you are looking for


----------



## BigLiam

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> BL, she's human and made mistakes like all of us. I get that you feel that cheaters are the scum of the earth and don't deserve forgiveness or redemption. But everything is not black or white. Ultimately, we are the sum of all of our parts -- some good and some bad. You being a lawyer should understand that.


I feel all people deserve forgiveness, if they apologize sincerely. There are shades of gray, but, I saw nothing in this story where she acknowledged the wrongdoing. 
I've done many things that are not right. I try to apologize for my mistakes.


----------



## lamaga

I wouldn't visit, I'd send a card or flowers. Being in ICU for cancer is stressful enough without an unexpected visit from an ex on top of it.

Edit: Oops, sorry, I posted before reading the whole thread. Have a safe trip, and I hope this is a positive experience for you both.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

BigLiam said:


> I feel all people deserve forgiveness, if they apologize sincerely. There are shades of gray, but, I saw nothing in this story where she acknowledged the wrongdoing.
> I've done many things that are not right. I try to apologize for my mistakes.


BL, keep in mind that the OP did not share everything with us. It wasn't until I responded that he shouldn't go that he mentioned her dying of cancer and the thoughtful emails from her. The fact that he was asking indicates that he feels that he should go and see her one last time.


----------



## Runs like Dog

Say your goodbyes.


----------



## BigLiam

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> BL, keep in mind that the OP did not share everything with us. It wasn't until I responded that he shouldn't go that he mentioned her dying of cancer and the thoughtful emails from her. The fact that he was asking indicates that he feels that he should go and see her one last time.


Yes, but do you really think the e-mails were thoughtful if they did not include an apology? Imean it seems to trivialize the affair, not even mentioning it and acting as if everything is okay.
I have experienced thes from both of my XW's(serial cheaters). When my mom died, my first XW called to check on me. I guess that was fine. But, then, she went on to tell me that I should keep her advised of my travel plans(WTF for?)
Essentially, what I see form thos e missives to him re his health etc, is that she just trivialized one of life's greatest traumas and acted as if it never happened.
My XW's(both of whom have never apologized) do stuff like that. Thye want to talk about the weather or such things while the cheating just looms in the background.
I think it is okay to see her. But, I was amazwd art how folks just glossed over the cheating and did not inquire if there had ever been a sincere apology and restitution.


----------



## NextTimeAround

J Valley said:


> Thanks everyone. I will be leaving first thing in the morning to visit my ex. It will be a long drive. I strongly believe that visiting her is the right thing to do. In a way, I think I do owe her for all the good times we shared together.
> 
> I have just spoken to my lady friend. She didn't seem too happy about it as I will need to cancel our date but she agreed that I should visit the ex. *She may have a bit of jealousy issue.* Like I said, we have only dated about a month, we still got a long way to go to understand each other.
> 
> It will probably be a while before I post here again but I will keep all of you updated. Thanks again.


You just had to knock her, didn't you. Well, that means if she needs to see her ex for some important reason, you won't be able to get jealous over that.


----------



## lamaga

BigLiam said:


> Essentially, what I see form thos e missives to him re his health etc, is that she just trivialized one of life's greatest traumas and acted as if it never happened.


No, dying a slow death from cancer is one of life's greatest traumas. I think you need some perspective, Liam.


----------



## BigLiam

lamaga said:


> No, dying a slow death from cancer is one of life's greatest traumas. I think you need some perspective, Liam.


They are not mutually exclusive, L.


----------



## NextTimeAround

for the record, I have stage IV carcinoma. Fortunately, I still have all my hair and I am able to stand upright.

Still, though, I have been selective as to whom I tell that I have cancer. I don't want people swarming around me using the cancer as a reason to contact me. The last thing I need is people thinking that I owe them because "they did something nice while I was sick."

I mentioned to some friends a few months ago how a guy I used to date keeps contacting me every few months. I have never wavered from the message that "my boyfriend and I are doing fine." Someone suggested maybe he's just worried about me due to my cancer. Oh dear, I thought. Thankfully, this guy doesn't even know that I have cancer, so that can' be an excuse.

If I were on my deathbed, I would prefer that my exH not come to visit. He wanted the divorce and it appeared to me that he stayed in touch with certain people to let me know that he had remarried. He offered that friend thing as well. What would I want,that he show up with his wife and kids........

Additionally, before my father went into a coma this year (he died) he told us that he did not want 2 people visiting him: 1) one of his sisters and 2) that sister's daughter. Both of them caused him and as a result, us, so much agro. the sister showed up at the funeral, fortunately, our cousin did not.

I know that the OP is already on his way to see his ex. I added this as food for thought.

there is dignity in staying away.


----------



## Almostrecovered

I think what you're missing BL is that this goodbye is more for the OP and not to absolve his ex or anything like that (isn't she unconscious anyways?). He's not going there to take care of her in her final days or anything like that either. He spent a chunk of his life married to this woman, never spoke to her after the D and it's been a mere 3 years since then. Perhaps if it was 10-20 years later (and no contact) I can see there being no point to it. But in a way he gets to put this to bed, I'm sure he would have been fine if she died suddenly and he didn't get this opportunity but he does have this opportunity to say goodbye and pay his respects to a woman he shared his love with for a significant time, even if she doesn't deserve that respect. In a sense he is saying goodbye to the pre-affair wife and as much as he did that already with his divorce, he gets to do it with finality and closure.


----------



## morituri

Almostrecovered said:


> I think what you're missing BL is that this goodbye is more for the OP and not to absolve his ex or anything like that (isn't she unconscious anyways?). He's not going there to take care of her in her final days or anything like that either. He spent a chunk of his life married to this woman, never spoke to her after the D and it's been a mere 3 years since then. Perhaps if it was 10-20 years later (and no contact) I can see there being no point to it. But in a way he gets to put this to bed, I'm sure he would have been fine if she died suddenly and he didn't get this opportunity but he does have this opportunity to say goodbye and pay his respects to a woman he shared his love with for a significant time, even if she doesn't deserve that respect. *In a sense he is saying goodbye to the pre-affair wife and as much as he did that already with his divorce, he gets to do it with finality and closure*.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## BigLiam

Almostrecovered said:


> I think what you're missing BL is that this goodbye is more for the OP and not to absolve his ex or anything like that (isn't she unconscious anyways?). He's not going there to take care of her in her final days or anything like that either. He spent a chunk of his life married to this woman, never spoke to her after the D and it's been a mere 3 years since then. Perhaps if it was 10-20 years later (and no contact) I can see there being no point to it. But in a way he gets to put this to bed, I'm sure he would have been fine if she died suddenly and he didn't get this opportunity but he does have this opportunity to say goodbye and pay his respects to a woman he shared his love with for a significant time, even if she doesn't deserve that respect. In a sense he is saying goodbye to the pre-affair wife and as much as he did that already with his divorce, he gets to do it with finality and closure.


Yeah, Iunderstand,AR. Sort of reminds me of how Clooney acted in the final scene saying goodbye in " Descendants".
Just so sad, all the pain people cause one another, needlessly.
I truly hope my cheating XW's stay away from my funeral. The first one, in particular, would make it all about her. She is such a hstrionic NPD that I am sure she would try to have folks comforting her. She's probably work in some lines about what an abusive, jerk I was, too, and how she tried to save me from myself via som new age, spiritual bullshat.


----------



## costa200

Almostrecovered said:


> really?
> 
> he's been with his new GF for only a month
> he isn't visiting some old high school flame or something like that, he's saying GOODBYE to a woman he was married to for 8 years
> she's DYING and there is absolutely no chance of a rekindled relationship
> 
> frankly, if she isn't understanding of that then I would question her ability to demonstrate empathy
> 
> 
> OP- go get your closure, I've seen my mother die of cancer and it won't be pretty and you may not get any answers that you are looking for


She can rationally understand it, she can fully support him and still have a lingering doubt about "what if this woman was not dying of cancer". What we rationally know is not always how we really feel deep down. 

If she feels the OP to still be emotionally attached to this woman as even i think he still is (it's pretty obvious from the way he slowly revealed the relevant info, it's that iceberg thing people speak of all over this forum) then this will weight down and stress their relationship. Even more because it is a recent relationship. 

Remember that this woman ended the relationship, not the OP, and that even if she did cause the marriage to collapse, she was morally healthy enough to come clean and break it off before she physically cheated on him. How many examples of that have you seen lately? There is clearly something there, and a woman will sniff that out faster than you can blink.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

BigLiam said:


> Yeah, Iunderstand,AR. Sort of reminds me of how Clooney acted in the final scene saying goodbye in " Descendants".
> Just so sad, all the pain people cause one another, needlessly.
> I truly hope my cheating XW's stay away from my funeral. The first one, in particular, would make it all about her. She is such a hstrionic NPD that I am sure she would try to have folks comforting her. *She's probably work in some lines about what an abusive, jerk I was*, too, and how she tried to save me from myself via som new age, spiritual bullshat.


:rofl:


----------



## matt82

What's your gut feeling? Go with that. If it were me, I would not go to the hospital, but only you can answer that one for yourself.


----------



## spudster

I am with Big Liam on this. I don't think he should have gone, and once he gets there I think he is going to be sorry he did. I don't see this as having any affect of closure for him. If anything its going to tear the scar off a freshly healed wound that she callously inflicted on him three years ago, and then tried to smooth over with the "let's be friends" b.s. 

And what if she had married her affair partner and he is there when OP arrives? Um...can you say awkward? Can those of you as BSs imagine what that would be like? 

He owes her nothing, and he owes it to himself to move on. Face it, if the mutual friend had not called him and told him of her condition, he would have gone on with his life blissfully unaware that she had died. 

I have a question: if she knew she had teminal cancer, then why did she not contact him when she was still pysically able if she wanted to see him one last time to bury the hatchet and bring closure for them both? Nowhere does it appear that she desired, or is desiring, him to come to see her. 

What if he gets there, she is conscious and she asks him "What the hell are you doing here?"


----------



## lamaga

Well, as I said in the edit to my comment, he's already decided to go, so perhaps the friendly TAM thing to do would be to support him, not keep throwing stones about a situation that doesn't affect us one whit.


----------



## Tall Average Guy

warlock07 said:


> It is in a grey area. We always advice people here to divorce or MC if they start falling in love with the other person or before they start cheating. People do fall out of love and marriages end. When it happened, she did the honorable thing, considering the scenario.(Assuming she did not hide anything)


Except the OP noted that she was in an EA when she came to him asking for the divocrce. I don't see much grey area here. She cheated, then asked for the divorce. Absent the terminal cancer, I suspect the group's characterization of her actions and subsequent communications would be far less chaitable.

Nevertheless, I wish the OP well in his visit, and I hope it gives him some added peace.


----------



## anonymouskitty

He's leaving today so give it a rest people, let him go see his ex and be done with it


----------



## lickitesplit

You said she was unconscience, right? So if that's the case she won't know you're there. Sounds to me like your conscience is working on you. 

If it were me, and I chose to make the effort to visit her, I would be sure none of her family were present during my visit. Try visiting during the last visitation period of the night. 

Otherwise, I think I would pass.


----------



## Almostrecovered

sorry to hear you harbor such anger


----------



## anonymouskitty

Wow man, sorry


----------



## CandieGirl

Still hung up on her/the marriage after that many years of NC; not sure why he went, but in the end, it's his choice, not ours. As for the 'ladyfriend', she's probably questioning that, at the very least...


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

kindi said:


> If it was my exwife laying there in the hospital bed with terminal cancer I'd send her a card that said "Congratulatons on your achievement" and maybe write on the envelope "Do not open until the funeral".


[speechless]


----------



## dixieangel

My husband's ex is terminally ill. This has made me think ahead how I'd react. Have to say I'd have mixed feelings.


----------



## BigLiam

lamaga said:


> Well, as I said in the edit to my comment, he's already decided to go, so perhaps the friendly TAM thing to do would be to support him, not keep throwing stones about a situation that doesn't affect us one whit.


I don't believe he solicited blind support vs others' genuine opinions.No need to patronize the OP. It is disrespectful, IMO.


----------



## bandit.45

I guess I'm in the minority too. To me ex means ex. I just got my divorce this week and I can honestly say I hope to never see my ex again in good health or bad. I don't plan on attending her funeral either. 

Yeah... I'm an a$s. What else is new? 

I think OP will be sorry he went. But it's his life.


----------



## NextTimeAround

BigLiam said:


> I don't believe he solicited blind support vs others' genuine opinions.No need to patronize the OP. It is disrespectful, IMO.


It will be interesting to hear about the OP's experience so that we can use that wisdom to make our own experiences. 

these things go both ways. do we want to be at the death bed of someone who cheated on us; or at the deathbed of someone whom we decided we couldn't stand the sight of on a daily basis.

as one friend pointed out to me, just because someone dies doesn't change the fact that they were an ass hole when they were living.


----------



## lamaga

BigLiam said:


> I don't believe he solicited blind support vs others' genuine opinions.No need to patronize the OP. It is disrespectful, IMO.


Opinions are all well and good, but once someone has made their decision, there's no need to keep criticizing. It's a move typical of One-Ls, I'm sure you'll agree.


----------



## BigLiam

Almostrecovered said:


> sorry to hear you harbor such anger


Nothing wrong with a little anger. I would be worried about anyone who was not angry about having been cheated on(you and Ghandi, AR, excepted, of course )


----------



## bandit.45

lamaga said:


> Opinions are all well and good, but once someone has made their decision, there's no need to keep criticizing. It's a move typical of One-Ls, I'm sure you'll agree.


Sorry L. I forgot you were TAM's official sensitivity monitor and post censor. I'll shut up.


----------



## BigLiam

lamaga said:


> Opinions are all well and good, but once someone has made their decision, there's no need to keep criticizing. It's a move typical of One-Ls, I'm sure you'll agree.


I hear and I obey, oh enlightened one.


----------



## BigLiam

bandit.45 said:


> Sorry L. I forgot you were TAM's official sensitivity monitor and post censor. I'll shut up.


It's my third violation this month:banhim:


----------



## J Valley

Update

Thank you to all who have posted. Your kind words meant a lot to me. It has been a very emotional weekend for me. My ex wife is still unconscious and I am not sure how long she will be in that state. Though she is my ex but I certainly hope she will pull through.

When I reached the hospital, I immediately went to the ICU and the duty nurse who was there asked me about my relationship with the patient. Initially, I told her, I am the patient’s friend. The nurse refused me entry as currently only close family members are allowed to visit her in the ICU. Seeing that there was no choice, I told the nurse, I am actually the patient’s ex-husband. The nurse asked me to take a seat while she checked with her supervisor.

Ten minutes later, the nurse told me that they have contacted the patient’s family members and they said to allow me to go into the ICU. I was rather nervous when I entered the ICU because I have not seen the ex wife for 3 years….I did not know what to expect. When I saw her, I couldn’t take it anymore……I broke down and cried. She was so thin and weak but she still looked so pretty to me. She had all this wires hooking up to the machines and I just couldn’t believe that she could be in this condition.

I sat down next to her, stroking her hair and then holding her hand and kissing it gently. I don’t really know what to say here but I actually miss her. As I was sitting next to her, my tears just kept flowing as it has been such a long time and now to see her like this was just too overwhelming. Luckily there was no one there at that time. I held her hand and was talking to her about how I miss her and told her I am so sorry that I did not contact her all these years. I recall the time when we first met, dated, married all the fun times we had. Somewhere along, I actually told her I love her and that was when I felt a weak and gentle squeeze of my hand. I thought she was awake but unfortunately she wasn’t. As I continued talking to her, I noticed that there were tears flowing from her eyes. I did check with the doctor whether she was able to hear me. The doctor said it is quite possible. When I mentioned about the gentle squeeze that I felt, the doctor said that it could be muscle spasm. When I asked him about her tears, the doctor mentioned that it could be an overflow of the tear gland as she has not open her eyes for quite a while. The doctor looked at me and asked me not to read too much into it and it is just a medical or physical reaction. I so badly wanted the doctor to say that what I felt was genuine.

While I was in my ex’s town (what used to be our town), I learned quite a number of things about my ex which got me really emotional. I also managed to talk to my ex in laws. I will post that later as I am really tired and I need to get some rest. It has been a long drive.


----------



## anonymouskitty

Much respect mate, its not easy what you've done. And I truly hope you feel better about going now


----------



## Mario Kempes

J Valley said:


> Update
> 
> Thank you to all who have posted. Your kind words meant a lot to me. It has been a very emotional weekend for me. My ex wife is still unconscious and I am not sure how long she will be in that state. Though she is my ex but I certainly hope she will pull through.
> 
> When I reached the hospital, I immediately went to the ICU and the duty nurse who was there asked me about my relationship with the patient. Initially, I told her, I am the patient’s friend. The nurse refused me entry as currently only close family members are allowed to visit her in the ICU. Seeing that there was no choice, I told the nurse, I am actually the patient’s ex-husband. The nurse asked me to take a seat while she checked with her supervisor.
> 
> Ten minutes later, the nurse told me that they have contacted the patient’s family members and they said to allow me to go into the ICU. I was rather nervous when I entered the ICU because I have not seen the ex wife for 3 years….I did not know what to expect. When I saw her, I couldn’t take it anymore……I broke down and cried. She was so thin and weak but she still looked so pretty to me. She had all this wires hooking up to the machines and I just couldn’t believe that she could be in this condition.
> 
> I sat down next to her, stroking her hair and then holding her hand and kissing it gently. I don’t really know what to say here but I actually miss her. As I was sitting next to her, my tears just kept flowing as it has been such a long time and now to see her like this was just too overwhelming. Luckily there was no one there at that time. I held her hand and was talking to her about how I miss her and told her I am so sorry that I did not contact her all these years. I recall the time when we first met, dated, married all the fun times we had. Somewhere along, I actually told her I love her and that was when I felt a weak and gentle squeeze of my hand. I thought she was awake but unfortunately she wasn’t. As I continued talking to her, I noticed that there were tears flowing from her eyes. I did check with the doctor whether she was able to hear me. The doctor said it is quite possible. When I mentioned about the gentle squeeze that I felt, the doctor said that it could be muscle spasm. When I asked him about her tears, the doctor mentioned that it could be an overflow of the tear gland as she has not open her eyes for quite a while. The doctor looked at me and asked me not to read too much into it and it is just a medical or physical reaction. I so badly wanted the doctor to say that what I felt was genuine.
> 
> While I was in my ex’s town (what used to be our town), I learned quite a number of things about my ex which got me really emotional. I also managed to talk to my ex in laws. I will post that later as I am really tired and I need to get some rest. It has been a long drive.


Well done, J Valley. If she doesn't pull through, what you did will mean so much to you. 

I simply cannot believe that the doctor gave you so little hope that your ex wife heard you. It's too much of a coincidence that she squeezed your hand and shed tears. Having read your post, I'm absolutely convinced that she heard all you said and reacted as she did. 

It must have been so difficult for you to see her like that. It's so sad but I think it's a beautiful story. I don't mean to sound silly but I'm really happy for you and I think what you did was amazing!.


----------



## Seesaw

You are a beautiful human being. Total respect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anonymouskitty

You know its when you hear stories like these that your entire perspective of the way the world works changes, is this twoo luw? His willingness to put himself in pain just to be with her? Her sending him emails inquiring about his health knowing that he might not respond?

World, why do you play cruel tricks on me?
Damn now I wish i was a poet


----------



## snap

If you still love her, where your current GF is in the picture?

Time for some serious soul-searching.


----------



## anonymouskitty

snap said:


> If you still love her, where your current GF is in the picture?
> 
> Time for some serious soul-searching.


I think you can love two people at the same time, just don't go around boning/spreading your legs for both of them at the same time

Besides its not like OP's having an affair with his ex wife


----------



## NextTimeAround

anonymouskitty said:


> *I think you can love two people at the same time, just don't go around boning/spreading your legs for both of them at the same time
> *
> Besides its not like OP's having an affair with his ex wife


Wouldn't be called an EA?


----------



## NextTimeAround

J Valley said:


> Update
> 
> 
> When I reached the hospital, I immediately went to the ICU and the duty nurse who was there asked me about my relationship with the patient. *Initially, I told her, I am the patient’s friend. The nurse refused me entry as currently only close family members are allowed to visit her in the ICU.* Seeing that there was no choice, I told the nurse, I am actually the patient’s ex-husband. The nurse asked me to take a seat while she checked with her supervisor.


Proof of the ever expanding meaning and meaninglessness of the word "friend."


----------



## anonymouskitty

NextTimeAround said:


> Wouldn't be called an EA?


I think it'd be called an EA if he desired his ex wife in a sexual way, I don't see that happening here


----------



## snap

anonymouskitty said:


> I think you can love two people at the same time, just don't go around boning/spreading your legs for both of them at the same time


I wouldn't be OK with my SO loving two people at the same time, kinda the point of my post.


----------



## NextTimeAround

anonymouskitty said:


> I think it'd be called an EA if he desired his ex wife in a sexual way, I don't see that happening here


Part of my definition of an EA includes "prioritsing the needs of someone else over your spouse." Ergo, sexual desire is not necessary for an EA, or in any case, for "an inappropriate relationship."

And FTR, a lot of women prefer EAs because that means they get all attention and other benefits without having to, err "give it up."


----------



## warlock07

snap said:


> If you still love her, where your current GF is in the picture?
> 
> Time for some serious soul-searching.


He is dating this new girl for a month and FFS, he saw his ex-wife in a ICU, destroyed by the disease and probably in the last days of her life. Now is not the time for EA , PA discussion. Please, some discretion will do a lot of good here, guys!!!


----------



## warlock07

snap said:


> If you still love her, where your current GF is in the picture?
> 
> Time for some serious soul-searching.


Totally inappropriate time to bring the discussion and that is not what the OP asked us. This can wait!!


----------



## warlock07

J Valley said:


> Update
> 
> Thank you to all who have posted. Your kind words meant a lot to me. It has been a very emotional weekend for me. My ex wife is still unconscious and I am not sure how long she will be in that state. Though she is my ex but I certainly hope she will pull through.
> 
> When I reached the hospital, I immediately went to the ICU and the duty nurse who was there asked me about my relationship with the patient. Initially, I told her, I am the patient’s friend. The nurse refused me entry as currently only close family members are allowed to visit her in the ICU. Seeing that there was no choice, I told the nurse, I am actually the patient’s ex-husband. The nurse asked me to take a seat while she checked with her supervisor.
> 
> Ten minutes later, the nurse told me that they have contacted the patient’s family members and they said to allow me to go into the ICU. I was rather nervous when I entered the ICU because I have not seen the ex wife for 3 years….I did not know what to expect. When I saw her, I couldn’t take it anymore……I broke down and cried. She was so thin and weak but she still looked so pretty to me. She had all this wires hooking up to the machines and I just couldn’t believe that she could be in this condition.
> 
> I sat down next to her, stroking her hair and then holding her hand and kissing it gently. I don’t really know what to say here but I actually miss her. As I was sitting next to her, my tears just kept flowing as it has been such a long time and now to see her like this was just too overwhelming. Luckily there was no one there at that time. I held her hand and was talking to her about how I miss her and told her I am so sorry that I did not contact her all these years. I recall the time when we first met, dated, married all the fun times we had. Somewhere along, I actually told her I love her and that was when I felt a weak and gentle squeeze of my hand. I thought she was awake but unfortunately she wasn’t. As I continued talking to her, I noticed that there were tears flowing from her eyes. I did check with the doctor whether she was able to hear me. The doctor said it is quite possible. When I mentioned about the gentle squeeze that I felt, the doctor said that it could be muscle spasm. When I asked him about her tears, the doctor mentioned that it could be an overflow of the tear gland as she has not open her eyes for quite a while. The doctor looked at me and asked me not to read too much into it and it is just a medical or physical reaction. I so badly wanted the doctor to say that what I felt was genuine.
> 
> While I was in my ex’s town (what used to be our town), I learned quite a number of things about my ex which got me really emotional. I also managed to talk to my ex in laws. I will post that later as I am really tired and I need to get some rest. It has been a long drive.


Thanks for the update


----------



## snap

He is a grown-up, and, save for emotional distress, he's fine. I'm sure he can handle that.


----------



## survivorwife

anonymouskitty said:


> Much respect mate, its not easy what you've done. And I truly hope you feel better about going now


:iagree:

Totally agree with this. The OP did the right thing and I truly hope that he found some peace within himself.


----------



## Complexity

J Valley said:


> Update
> 
> Thank you to all who have posted. Your kind words meant a lot to me. It has been a very emotional weekend for me. My ex wife is still unconscious and I am not sure how long she will be in that state. Though she is my ex but I certainly hope she will pull through.
> 
> When I reached the hospital, I immediately went to the ICU and the duty nurse who was there asked me about my relationship with the patient. Initially, I told her, I am the patient’s friend. The nurse refused me entry as currently only close family members are allowed to visit her in the ICU. Seeing that there was no choice, I told the nurse, I am actually the patient’s ex-husband. The nurse asked me to take a seat while she checked with her supervisor.
> 
> Ten minutes later, the nurse told me that they have contacted the patient’s family members and they said to allow me to go into the ICU. I was rather nervous when I entered the ICU because I have not seen the ex wife for 3 years….I did not know what to expect. When I saw her, I couldn’t take it anymore……I broke down and cried. She was so thin and weak but she still looked so pretty to me. She had all this wires hooking up to the machines and I just couldn’t believe that she could be in this condition.
> 
> I sat down next to her, stroking her hair and then holding her hand and kissing it gently. I don’t really know what to say here but I actually miss her. As I was sitting next to her, my tears just kept flowing as it has been such a long time and now to see her like this was just too overwhelming. Luckily there was no one there at that time. I held her hand and was talking to her about how I miss her and told her I am so sorry that I did not contact her all these years. I recall the time when we first met, dated, married all the fun times we had. Somewhere along, I actually told her I love her and that was when I felt a weak and gentle squeeze of my hand. I thought she was awake but unfortunately she wasn’t. As I continued talking to her, I noticed that there were tears flowing from her eyes. I did check with the doctor whether she was able to hear me. The doctor said it is quite possible. When I mentioned about the gentle squeeze that I felt, the doctor said that it could be muscle spasm. When I asked him about her tears, the doctor mentioned that it could be an overflow of the tear gland as she has not open her eyes for quite a while. The doctor looked at me and asked me not to read too much into it and it is just a medical or physical reaction. I so badly wanted the doctor to say that what I felt was genuine.
> 
> While I was in my ex’s town (what used to be our town), I learned quite a number of things about my ex which got me really emotional. I also managed to talk to my ex in laws. I will post that later as I am really tired and I need to get some rest. It has been a long drive.


That was a pretty wrenching read. I'm glad you went ahead and saw her, it was an honourable thing to do.


----------



## bandit.45

This post made this calloused, jaundiced dude shed a tear. I hope she heard what you told her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

snap said:


> If you still love her, where your current GF is in the picture?
> 
> Time for some serious soul-searching.


They've only been dating for a month.


----------



## survivorwife

bandit.45 said:


> This post made this calloused, jaundiced dude shed a tear. I hope she heard what you told her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She heard him.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

snap said:


> He is a grown-up, and, save for emotional distress, he's fine. I'm sure he can handle that.


For once, let's just take off our betrayed spouse hat and enjoy a feel good story for a change.


----------



## badbane

missed the update


----------



## crossbar

bandit.45 said:


> This post made this calloused, jaundiced dude shed a tear. I hope she heard what you told her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OMG! Miracles do happen! K/J!

I'm glad you went. Yeah, I know it was tough. But, you were able to set aside the bad stuff that happened at the end of your relationship and just "be that guy" That she fell in love with so many years ago. I hope she can pull through. But, if she doesn't, at least you've had an opportunity and a chance to say goodbye.

I think that if you didn't go and she did pass, I think that it would have eaten away at you.


----------



## ScarletBegonias

just read the update...crying like a little girl now. What a great update.I'm so glad you listened to your gut and went to see her.


----------



## badbane

Mario Kempes said:


> I simply cannot believe that the doctor gave you so little hope that your ex wife heard you. It's too much of a coincidence that she squeezed your hand and shed tears. Having read your post, I'm absolutely convinced that she heard all you said and reacted as she did.


He did it so to keep him in the right frame of mind. My wife has seen patients who are in severe pain and should be allowed to pass forced to stay live in coma's. Even when the family member is a DNR,Do not resuscitate, the family swoops in with power of attorney and forces the patient to suffer because they refuse to let go. 
The Doctor doesn't want to make promises that he can't keep. Don't take it personally he has your ex-wife's best interests in mind.
However there is only so much the medical profession can explain.


----------



## GTA06

J Valley,
Phuck the doctor . 
You should have asked ,"Doc,what are the chances of a tear gland response and muscle spasm , which by the way have not responded for many days ,occurring simultaneously when a former love suddenly appears after 3years".
Dude it was u r wife and nothing else.


----------



## Almostrecovered

GTA06 said:


> J Valley,
> Phuck the doctor .
> You should have asked ,"Doc,what are the chances of a tear gland response and muscle spasm , which by the way have not responded for many days ,occurring simultaneously when a former love suddenly appears after 3years".
> Dude it was u r wife and nothing else.


I think the doc was doing a CYA so the family/friends won't be hopeful of a recovery


----------



## bandit.45

You're wife was at least partly conscious and heard what you said. 

I dont believe the twitch and tear happening together were a coincidence. Your voice was a powerful stimulant to her. Her subconscious mind recognised it immediately and brought her to semi-consciousness, and her body responded to your words. 

Who knows, your voice may have been the healing power to bring her back from the brink. It would be neat if six months down the road she showed up at your door to thank you. 

But that's Hollywood dreaming.


----------



## anonymouskitty

I personally feel you shouldn't read too much into it.


----------



## Almostrecovered

I watched my mother die of cancer for the last 5 days of her life as we had her in hospice care in the living room

she was unconscious for most of the time, but the day before she died she was awake and lucid and it was also my brother's birthday

she died the next morning

looking back I'm fairly certain that my dad eased up on her morphine dose for my brother's bday, maybe even an agreement they had together. (including giving her enough to pass quicker without pain that night)


----------



## MattMatt

bandit.45 said:


> This post made this calloused, jaundiced dude shed a tear. I hope she heard what you told her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I really did cry. Not as tough as I thought.

What a beautiful thing, oh, man, I am so glad you could go, just to help you both get closure.


----------



## ScarletBegonias

badbane said:


> He did it so to keep him in the right frame of mind. My wife has seen patients who are in severe pain and should be allowed to pass forced to stay live in coma's. Even when the family member is a DNR,Do not resuscitate, the family swoops in with power of attorney and forces the patient to suffer because they refuse to let go.
> The Doctor doesn't want to make promises that he can't keep. Don't take it personally he has your ex-wife's best interests in mind.


I agree.

Sometimes it feels doctors are damned if they do and damned if they don't.If they don't feed into the families emotions and hope then they're callous bastards. If they do give the family hope and feed into the emotional side of it,then the person dies or doesn't make a full recovery,the doctors are automatically spawn of satan.


----------



## akashNil

survivorwife said:


> She heard him.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

She 100% heard him.
Because, one action might be a medical phenomenon. All actions together, exactly at the same moment, in the right sequence, in response to something so close to her heart - CANNOT BE JUST A MEDICAL PHENOMENON.

She 100% heard him, and She is 100% reading his emotions and this thread now.


----------



## bandit.45

Her physical response was also a culmination of a preexisting hope he would come to see her, even though she did not contact him to inform him of her illness. 

I think she regretted what she did to him, and as she saw her life coming to an end, she thought of him more and more. Her psyche was already tuned into thoughts of where he was, what he was doing, and how he felt about her. As soon as her brain processed his voice speaking to her, it brought her senses into focus. She was primed to respond to him. 

(Man I am an armadillo aren't I? See my soft underbelly?)


----------



## anonymouskitty

akashNil said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> She 100% heard him.
> Because, one action might be a medical phenomenon. All actions together, exactly at the same moment, in the right sequence, in response to something so close to her heart - CANNOT BE JUST A MEDICAL PHENOMENON.
> 
> She 100% heard him, and She is 100% reading his emotions and this thread now.


Or so you can console yourself, but this has nothing to do with the wife, more to do with OP getting some closure. He's done that now and can put it behind him


----------



## lamaga

With all respect, guys, is this really the time or the place for a discussion of what happened in a hospital room that none of us were in? Let's wish OP well and leave him be.


----------



## anonymouskitty

frank he's made the trip already, thought you ought to know


----------



## bandit.45

lamaga said:


> With all respect, guys, *is this really the time or the place for a discussion of what happened in a hospital room that none of us were in?* Let's wish OP well and leave him be.


Yes it is. This is a discussion board. Discussing is what we do here.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

frankieg said:


> NO don't go, no kids, no attachment no need....period.


:scratchhead: Frankie G, where the hell have you been?


----------



## NextTimeAround

anonymouskitty said:


> frank he's made the trip already, thought you ought to know


these threads are also for the benefit of others who are now or may be in the future contemplating what they should do in a similar situation.


----------



## lamaga

bandit.45 said:


> Yes it is. This is a discussion board. Discussing is what we do here.


Ah, good to know, Bandit. Because I am frequently berated in these parts for discussing, and disagreeing. I'm so glad that you now agree that discussing is a good thing.

I still think that in cases of a personal tragedy, it's not appropriate to do an emotional post-mortem, but that's just me.


----------



## golfergirl

anonymouskitty said:


> I think it'd be called an EA if he desired his ex wife in a sexual way, I don't see that happening here


To be considered an EA wouldn't she have to be conscious?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tall Average Guy

survivorwife said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Totally agree with this. The OP did the right thing and I truly hope that he found some peace within himself.


I will disagree slightly. It was the right thing for him to do, and I am glad that he got some peace from it. Had he decided not to go, that would also have been the right thing for him as well. I don't see an objective right thing to do in this situation.


----------



## anonymouskitty

Even if it were not right for him, in the eyes of the world he's done something touching


----------



## bandit.45

lamaga said:


> Ah, good to know, Bandit. Because I am frequently berated in these parts for discussing, and disagreeing. I'm so glad that you now agree that discussing is a good thing.
> 
> I still think that in cases of a personal tragedy, it's not appropriate to do an emotional post-mortem, but that's just me.


Only if the OP asks us to not do so. He has not placed any limitations on what we discuss or how the discussion evolves.


----------



## akashNil

anonymouskitty said:


> Even if it were not right for him, in the eyes of the world he's done something touching


The OP had two options - Either to remain detached, somewhat hateful, or to forget all about past in the door of death. He chose the second one.

I know wounds of betrayal do not completely heal ever, but wouldn't this single act would give the OP an immense strength and peace in his future life - considering both the OP and his wife were gentle and caring persons - even in separation? 

Also, Wouldn't the Op's current GF look upon him as a strong man with kind heart, and his future children, if they come to know of it, respect him more?

Would his current GF think of cheating or leaving him ever?

I also appreciate the in-laws of his wife - who didn't object his presence and even allowed him some privacy. Nobody is villain in this entire post.

Maybe I am becoming too emotional here ....


----------



## anonymouskitty

Thats what I said man, in the eyes of the world what he did was really touching regardless of whether he felt good or not. Thats a real act of kindness right there


----------



## crossbar

Ultimately, The dude felt that it was the right choice for him to go. With us on the forum all we can do is support a person in their decision, give advice to which road they choosen to go down and what to expect along the way.

Regardless if the marriage ended badly, there were some years which they happily shared together. He went there to see someone that he share a part of his life with. He left the crap at the door and took in what was important to him and her. I think he made the right choice. I hope that she pulls through. But, regardless, my thoughts and prayers are with ya!


----------



## arbitrator

JValley: You are to be richly commended for following the advice to go, both for your own sake and for hers. Had you not gone, you would have always wondered and quite possibly been burdened by a plethora of guilt.

God truly moves us as agents of His will, and I feel all too certain that you responded accordingly. And whether it is in this lifetime, or perhaps hereafter, your ex will truly thank you for the care, compassion, and concern that you came to show.

God bless you, my brother! You'll fastly remain in my prayers!


----------



## warlock07

lamaga said:


> Ah, good to know, Bandit. Because I am frequently berated in these parts for discussing, and disagreeing. I'm so glad that you now agree that discussing is a good thing.
> 
> I still think that in cases of a personal tragedy, it's not appropriate to do an emotional post-mortem, but that's just me.


For posts like this :rofl:


----------



## J Valley

My ex FIL just called........she's gone. She slipped away peacefully a few moments ago. I will always love her, no matter what....I am just too distraught at the moment.


----------



## EI

warlock07 said:


> For posts like this :rofl:


What a beautiful story and I feel so blessed to be able to follow it. My mother was a nurse and cared for many patients at the end of life stages. Time and time again she stated that the hearing was the last to go. I think that you gave your ex-wife a beautiful gift that will truly allow her to rest in peace. I think you also gave yourself a beautiful gift. Doing something kind, generous, loving and compassionate (whether deserved by the recipient or not) can never be wrong. You followed your heart and conscience. You will never regret doing so. 

If things should progress further in your relationship with your new lady love, she should take great pride and comfort in knowing what a man of character you are. 

Wow!!!!!


----------



## EI

J Valley said:


> My ex FIL just called........she's gone. She slipped away peacefully a few moments ago. I will always love her, no matter what....I am just too distraught at the moment.


I'm so sorry.... you did the right thing. Thank you for sharing.


----------



## bandit.45

J Valley said:


> My ex FIL just called........she's gone. She slipped away peacefully a few moments ago. I will always love her, no matter what....I am just too distraught at the moment.


I'm so sorry brother. Manhug coming at you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## keko

sorry


----------



## Chaparral

J Valley said:


> My ex FIL just called........she's gone. She slipped away peacefully a few moments ago. I will always love her, no matter what....I am just too distraught at the moment.


So sorry, prayers for you, your wife and her family.

Chap


----------



## Jibril

I am sorry. I am _sure_ she heard you when you visited her. And I'm sure it's thanks to you that she passed on peacefully. 

You have my deepest and most sincere condolences. I am so very sorry.


----------



## warlock07

J Valley said:


> My ex FIL just called........she's gone. She slipped away peacefully a few moments ago. I will always love her, no matter what....I am just too distraught at the moment.


I wish I had something to say to make you feel better. But be glad that you made the trip.


----------



## Monroe

I'm so sorry, J. I am glad you saw her. Hugs.


----------



## arbitrator

J Valley said:


> My ex FIL just called........she's gone. She slipped away peacefully a few moments ago. I will always love her, no matter what....I am just too distraught at the moment.


My sincere condolences to you, JValley. I am so happy, as I know you are, that you got to see her. And I know that to you, it is truly like losing a wife, even if you were divorced. But by your eloquent description, I have the distinct impression that there was definitely a "oneness" between the two of you as evidenced by you being there for her in her waning hours of this earthly life. Unlike the medical professionals, I firmly believe that she knew of your presence and that she absolutely loved having you there with her. Through those of us who greatly advocated for you to go see her one last time, God definitely sent you as a messenger of love to let her know that all was well with you and with her~ and that being understood, she was ready to move on to greater and heavenly things! 

But always remember her for the good that she brought you and that you brought to her. Cry over those cherished memories of your love together, but smile and laugh about the happy times that you two shared as a united couple. And thank God for having made her a part of your life!

In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, may our Lord and Saviour offer His comfort and solace to you and to the rest of her family at this most difficult time! Rest assured that you have many TAM shoulders here to offer you the support that you need!


----------



## Acabado

My sincere condolences


----------



## MainMan#6

I am sorry to hear this. You are a good man. My condolences.


----------



## happyman64

J Valley said:


> My ex FIL just called........she's gone. She slipped away peacefully a few moments ago. I will always love her, no matter what....I am just too distraught at the moment.


J,

My condolences on the passing of your exwife. You clearly loved her very much.

And as much as she hurt you at least she was truthful.

You showed many of us these past few days how much stronger our love can be for those that have hurt us instead of letting our hate for those same people rule our lives.

I truly believe you will see her again in the next life.

Now make her proud of the courage you displayed this past weekend and live your life to the fullest!!!

Hm64


----------



## amillionpieces85

Wow, I am speechless, and in tears. I couldnt stop crying throughout your entire post and bawled my eyes out even more when I read she passed. My deepest, deepest condolences to you. You are the true meaning of a man. And I wish you nothing but the best in getting on and moving forward with your life. All the best.


----------



## jnj express

JV-------my sympathies---to you, and her family

She heard you, no matter what the dr. said---she knew------and I believe, she will be waiting for you, when you pass on, many years from now

She may have fallen for someone else, while married to you---but she treated you respectfully, and asked for a D., so you could both move on----you were hurt, but it is obvious you never stopped loving her, and she very likely cared for you, maybe even loved you, in her own way

You are a better person, for going and saying goodbye, to the woman you did love for many years.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

we believe that if a person desperately want to meet some one, they wont die until they see or hear from that person, If they die before meeting that person we believe that the person died leaving their last wish unfulfilled. Here she may have been waiting for you, when you show up and heard from you which may have been her last wish, (even if she didnt told to someone else) You fulfilled her last wish, you can be proud of that, 

The tears she shed may be her apology for you


----------



## Mario Kempes

Really sorry to hear that she passed away, J. 

You're an example to us all!


----------



## Mario Kempes

Kallan Pavithran said:


> we believe that if a person desperately want to meet some one, they wont die until they see or hear from that person, If they die before meeting that person we believe that the person died leaving their last wish unfulfilled. Here she may have been waiting for you, when you show up and heard from you which may have been her last wish, (even if she didnt told to someone else) You fulfilled her last wish, you can be proud of that,
> 
> The tears she shed may be her apology for you


Nice post, Kallan.


----------



## GTA06

J Valley,
I'd never have the guts to take step as you did.After reading your first post I thought you should phuck it and continue with your life but after reading every 1's comments I must say it changed my opinion.
She did do right by you after all there is no such thing in life as a easy break-up.
You did what you thought was best for you and kept u r self aloof for 3 years to maintain your sanity and pick up the pieces of your life and to show such compassion after 3 years and most importantly to phuck the comments discouraging you to go and follow your heart .
When my wife was in the hospital I didn't visit her although we promised to be for one another for all our seven lives .What you did as an ex-husband I failed to do as a husband.
Well dude it takes a real gent to come up with such strength.
I feel small compared to the enormity of your heart.But now it's time to make new memories my friend.
You never described how her life turned after the divorce .Did you get the closure you were looking for ????

Wishing you luck 
GTA06


----------



## snap

My condolences.


----------



## arbitrator

GTA06 said:


> J Valley,
> I'd never have the guts to take step as you did.After reading your first post I thought you should phuck it and continue with your life but after reading every 1's comments I must say it changed my opinion.
> She did do right by you after all there is no such thing in life as a easy break-up.
> You did what you thought was best for you and kept u r self aloof for 3 years to maintain your sanity and pick up the pieces of your life and to show such compassion after 3 years and most importantly to phuck the comments discouraging you to go and follow your heart .
> When my wife was in the hospital I didn't visit her although we promised to be for one another for all our seven lives .What you did as an ex-husband I failed to do as a husband.
> Well dude it takes a real gent to come up with such strength.
> I feel small compared to the enormity of your heart.But now it's time to make new memories my friend.
> You never described how her life turned after the divorce .Did you get the closure you were looking for ????
> 
> Wishing you luck
> GTA06


GTA:

You're not small in any way, brother! Like all of the rest of us, you're just in a lifelong learning mode. I know that I am.

Absolutely great words of encouragement for JValley from you!
May God bless!


----------



## bandit.45

GTA06 said:


> J Valley,
> 
> She did do right by you after all there is no such thing in life as a easy break-up.


I disagree on this part. While what he did was selfless and kind, she did not _deserve _it. 

Her cheating on him and dumping him for another man, instead of living up to her vows, was a callous thing to do regardless if she did it in a nice gentle way. 

But that is what grace is....giving another person something they not earned and have no right to expect.


----------



## Tall Average Guy

akashNil said:


> The OP had two options - Either to remain detached, somewhat hateful, or to forget all about past in the door of death. He chose the second one.


I disagree strongly with this. There was no indication that he was hateful. Someone could sincerely have forgiven her with no malice or hate in their heart, yet still decided that they did not want to visit her. I am glad that it worked for the OP, but the idea that he was still hateful had he chosen not to go is just wrong.

To the OP, I wish you peace in this.


----------



## NextTimeAround

Tall Average Guy said:


> I disagree strongly with this. There was no indication that he was hateful. *Someone could sincerely have forgiven her with no malice or hate in their heart, yet still decided that they did not want to visit her.* I am glad that it worked for the OP, but the idea that he was still hateful had he chosen not to go is just wrong.
> 
> To the OP, I wish you peace in this.


Plus how the ex wife's family responded was also a wild card. for some of us, what if the family would not have allowed us to visit .....--- oh, dear, that must mean that we deserved it.


----------



## Seesaw

Oh goodness. I am going back home to my WW and children and I am just going to watch them all for a while and be thankful we are still together despite the pain. Then I am going to instigate a big family hug.

My sincere condolences.


----------



## hookares

Send her a sympathy card.


----------



## NextTimeAround

I suppose the next question is, should he attend her funeral. Or as the exH, offer to make a statement during the ceremony.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

J Valley, you have my sincere condolences. You're an example to us all. I wish you all the best as you continue your journey in life.


----------



## daisygirl 41

Sorry for your loss.
Glad you got to say goodbye
Take Care
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07

bandit.45 said:


> I disagree on this part. While what he did was selfless and kind, she did not _deserve _it.
> 
> Her cheating on him and dumping him for another man, instead of living up to her vows, was a callous thing to do regardless if she did it in a nice gentle way.
> 
> But that is what grace is....giving another person something they not earned and have no right to expect.


People break up, you know. Tell me your ideal break up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Almostrecovered

warlock07 said:


> People break up, you know. Tell me your ideal break up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri

warlock07 said:


> People break up, you know. Tell me your ideal break up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But she broke up with him because she had an exit affair with another man. That is a cowardly, selfish and cruel way to break up a marriage.

He was under no obligation to go see her before she died but he did so because he is a good, kind and decent man.


----------



## bandit.45

Water under the bridge. He has forgiven her and come to peace with it. Let's just transmit the love to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NextTimeAround

bandit.45 said:


> Water under the bridge. He has forgiven her and come to peace with it. Let's just transmit the love to him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


this was the poster's choice, so that is fine. The main thing to remember here is that for those who choose not to visit the (death) beside of a former partner --whatever the circumstances -- that there is nothing wrong in making that decision. and in fact, given possible complications and the fact that other people concerned may not be able to forgive, it can be the optimal choice for all concerned, to simply stay away.


----------



## Tall Average Guy

morituri said:


> But she broke up with him because she had an exit affair with another man. That is a cowardly, selfish and cruel way to break up a marriage.
> 
> He was under no obligation to go see her before she died but he did so because he is a good, kind and decent man.


While I agree, I would also add that you can be a good, kind and decent man and decide not to have gone. I know I keep harping on this, but many people lurk on these threads to gain guidance for their own situations. So while going can be the right thing to do, so can staying away. I don't want a lurker to think that there is only one correct answer (not that you are saying that, Morituri).


----------



## manxmaid

I came across this site by chance today, became totally spellbound by jvalley.. his postings, his story, his life and his loss.. my heart goes out to him for the grief he'l be feeling right now. His relationship with his ex was bound by emotions and a connection that only those two in it can truly understand. Yes they've both hurt each other in the past, who doesnt make mistakes and treat the one they love badly and without thought for reasons that are usually very emotionally complicated and at times selfish in defence to being hurt further.. He did in the end what he felt was right.. for both himself and his ex. It was both poignant and heartbreaking to finally be at peace with each other and he acted with dignity and respect to all concerned. The end of ones life is no place to hold onto blame, grudges or ill will. He showed us all an inherent basic respect and decency to let bygones be left at the door and acted with love, kindness & empathy.... A fact that has by passed some of those who have wittered on incessently about cheating and blame and all that other crap that spoke more volumes about their own shallow character than anything else. They should be ashamed of themselves & instead of bleating on about how wronged they've been, how badly they've been **** on by their ex's would do well to remember that respect is a two way process..to get it you have to earn it...Are you really blameless yourselves? ? If you cant understand or agree why jvalley has followed his heart and beliefs, put himself right out there to go to his ex wife, regardless of the pain, time and effort it required... then am hardly surprised you have your own collection of ex's trailing behind you.. anyhow... am half way across the world, with a big lump in my throat... raising my glass & proposing a toast to jvalley & his former wife...She heard you...she felt you close... she's now at peace..so will you b in time.... Am so sorry for you both and for her family.... but you did good..you did real good... Wish you all the best and that ther were more in the world like you...it would be a better place.. take care.god bless


----------



## bandit.45

I get your drift manxmaid (I've been to the Isle of Man, lovely place) but you must understand that this is first and formost a marriage blog, filled with people who are for the most part proponents of healthy, lifelong marriages. Its no act of serendipity that the OM posted his story on the Coping With Infidelity section. He would not have posted here if he did not have reservations and questions about how he should react to his ex-wife's situation in the wake of her betrayal and deconstruction of their marriage. If you don't want to hear our reactions, or see the emotional backlash to his story, then go visit another website that will not offend you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## akashNil

Jvalley, I am sorry that she is no more. You did the most noble thing by giving your dying wife the most precious gift of your presence and kind words. She died with peace. 

As all others have said, please rest assured that love is timeless, and she will meet you somewhere, in some life.

Best wishes to you brother, and thanks for sharing this with us.


----------



## manxmaid

Fair play Bandit.45..I take ur point on board...we each have our own beliefs and our opinions. Jvalleys 1st sentence on his initial post did say he was unsure of whiich thread to use...essentially of course the infidelity issue which caused his divorce would obviously be forefont in his mind. It was still unresolved emotionally..within him and unspoken between them. Probably wasn't serendipty either that I chanced upon the site myself.. I do fill your criteria of being one half of a healthy, very loving, and for the most part very happy relationship with my OH, I adore him really and him me, but we have our ups and downs like everyone else...My ex hubby put me through the whole infidelity shebang whilst I was coping with young seriously ill child. My posting i suppose came from my experiences in care/ nursing...esp pallitive care..and when the chips are down, and your staring at death, all the other things in life, that seemed so important go out the window.. to know your not alone and your loved is all that matters. For both patient and those closest to them. Jvalley struggled with what he should do, because of the betrayal she put him through but ultimately made his decision based on what he felt was right. He looked for advice at the start but once decision was made my thoughts were that we should support him, regardless of our own views, our own feelings and our own infidelity issues... in times of need support is all we can offer...It's respecting his decision too. That's where it matters. Dont make poor bloke feel any worse.. none of us know how we'l react until we are in it for real ourselves.. empathy maybe... It's taken my mind off my own issues.. I've been emotionally wrangling with them for while. Thought i'd bite bullet and go seek some advice, novice on sites like this.never posted anywhere before.. bandit you kinda aint givn me much confidence to bare ma soul either..


----------



## bandit.45

manxmaid said:


> Fair play Bandit.45..I take ur point on board...we each have our own beliefs and our opinions. Jvalleys 1st sentence on his initial post did say he was unsure of whiich thread to use...essentially of course the infidelity issue which caused his divorce would obviously be forefont in his mind. It was still unresolved emotionally..within him and unspoken between them. Probably wasn't serendipty either that I chanced upon the site myself.. I do fill your criteria of being one half of a healthy, very loving, and for the most part very happy relationship with my OH, I adore him really and him me, but we have our ups and downs like everyone else...My ex hubby put me through the whole infidelity shebang whilst I was coping with young seriously ill child. My posting i suppose came from my experiences in care/ nursing...esp pallitive care..and when the chips are down, and your staring at death, all the other things in life, that seemed so important go out the window.. to know your not alone and your loved is all that matters. For both patient and those closest to them. Jvalley struggled with what he should do, because of the betrayal she put him through but ultimately made his decision based on what he felt was right. He looked for advice at the start but once decision was made my thoughts were that we should support him, regardless of our own views, our own feelings and our own infidelity issues... in times of need support is all we can offer...It's respecting his decision too. That's where it matters. Dont make poor bloke feel any worse.. none of us know how we'l react until we are in it for real ourselves.. empathy maybe... It's taken my mind off my own issues.. I've been emotionally wrangling with them for while. Thought i'd bite bullet and go seek some advice, novice on sites like this.never posted anywhere before.. bandit you kinda aint givn me much confidence to bare ma soul either..


Yes, but he asked us to give our views as to what he should do. If you go back you can see we were pretty well divided as to whether he should go or not. 

But I didn't see anywhere where we were *not* supporting him. We may have all not *agreed *with his going, but we supported his decision nonetheless. 

Once he made the decision, did it, and she later passed away, we were all unanimous in our support of him and the pain he is going through. And I think we all agree unanimously that it was a noble and kind gesture he made to visit her on her deathbed. 

I just wish she would have told him of her illness back when she was able to, so that he could have spoken with her when she was awake and lucid. Maybe when he comes back he can give us some insight as to why she chose not to tell him that she was dying.


----------



## lordmayhem

My condolences on your loss.

Are you going to the funeral?


----------



## MattMatt

J Valley said:


> My ex FIL just called........she's gone. She slipped away peacefully a few moments ago. I will always love her, no matter what....I am just too distraught at the moment.


You were there for her. That's what matters. You helped her cross over to the next phase in life. God bless you, J River.


----------



## YellowRoses

J Valley

You did the right thing in IMHO for yourself, for her and also for her family and others that loved her.

In death I think we have to be guided by our guts and then by the people who are closer to her than we are in order to respect them and to help them through the process. Clearly, you were welcome and they will be comforted that you went x x

Death is as much about the bereaved as the one passing and if we cannot be kind and forgiving and warm and respectful at these times, we have to look at how broken we really are


----------



## kslhtrb

If she is critical, chances are a visit from you may not have much impact on her emotional state. The question I would ask myself....If she passes away, how will I feel if I do not go and see her?

Not a lot of opportunity for a do-over....


----------



## Mario Kempes

kslhtrb said:


> If she is critical, chances are a visit from you may not have much impact on her emotional state. The question I would ask myself....If she passes away, how will I feel if I do not go and see her?
> 
> Not a lot of opportunity for a do-over....





J Valley said:


> *My ex FIL just called........she's gone. She slipped away peacefully a few moments ago. I will always love her, no matter what....I am just too distraught at the moment*.


You missed this important piece of information, Kslhtrb. Posted two days ago.


----------



## arbitrator

lordmayhem said:


> My condolences on your loss.
> 
> Are you going to the funeral?


JValley: If the opportunity avails itself, then I would whole-heartedly encourage you to go to her funeral. You were more of a husband than any that she had, you loved her, and you would have a heck of a time absolutely convincing me that she didn't love you.

Her family seems to care a lot about you, so much, in fact, that they called you regarding her condition and ultimate demise. While the premise of the funeral is on her, the ultimate reason for going is for the consolation of the survivors, yourself and the rest of her family to celebrate her life, love, and help give closure to a very loving part of everyone's life.

I know that you will make the right choice. God bless you, brother! We'll be here praying for you if you need us! May our Heavenly Father keep his loving and guiding hands on you during this most difficult time!


----------



## J Valley

Thank you for all your kind words. Your words have given me comfort and strength. I have not been feeling too well. I will not be attending the funeral. My ex FIL is very concern about me and has advised me to rest and not to attend. He said the family is very appreciative of me being there in the ICU, there is nothing more that he can ask from me.

The ex FIL told me after I left for home, my ex wife’s condition deteriorated. The doctors told the family to prepare for the worst. If there is any consolation to this was that when it came to saying their final goodbyes, my ex FIL spoke a lot of things to the ex and when he mentioned my name, my ex FIL said the ex gave a small smile (according to my ex FIL, it looked like a smile anyway). Not long after that, she passed on peacefully.

I will post more about the OM and the ex laws when I am feeling much better. Thanks again. As for my lady friend, she said it is better for me to be left alone so that I can mourn in peace or privacy (I can’t remember her exact words). She is not coming. Anyway, I have not been eating well and I don’t feel like going out. The boss was kind enough to let me take a few days off.


----------



## bandit.45

Rest and take care of yourself brother. Come back when you feel better.


----------



## MattMatt

So, after she made her peace with you, she slipped away? Oh, my goodness. That's beautiful.

I hope the new lady in your life can support you, if not, then maybe she's not the type of person you need? Just a thought.


----------



## 52flower

J Valley, I am so sorry for the loss of someone who was your partner and friend. It's obvious you were very close to her and you said goodbye with honor. My thoughts and condolences are with you.


----------



## Acabado

Your lady friend seem very wise and sensitive.


----------



## arbitrator

You're a good man, JValley! The Heavenly Father just walked with you, and will continue to do so. Always remember that lady, no matter what. Truth is, you helped bring her spirit home to you, before she was called to heaven. When time permits, try to visit her gravesite for some personal reflection. It may bring a few tears, but it will help supply added closure. And call your ex-FIL often to check up on him; I think he cares about you also!

And the lady that you're with now will completely understand and will continue to stand by you! God's peace, brother!


----------



## happyman64

J. Valley,

Thank you for the update. Feel better and give your emotions a rest.

I think what you did was awesome and shows great character.

I told my wife your story early this morning and we both shed a few tears.

Thanks again for sharing your story.

Respectfully,

HM64


----------



## NewM

This is a very touching story,you have my sincere condolences.


----------



## Affaircare

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm glad, for your sake, that you went and did what you had to do in order to make peace. Many people say "...if you ever need someone to talk to..." but just so you know, we are here and we would love to hear about her.


----------



## YellowRoses

I'm so sorry you are struggling but its perfectly alright to grieve all over again especially when the marriage ending was not your choice

You are human and you kept loving her - wishing you gentle days x


----------



## warlock07

J Valley said:


> Thank you for all your kind words. Your words have given me comfort and strength. I have not been feeling too well. I will not be attending the funeral. My ex FIL is very concern about me and has advised me to rest and not to attend. He said the family is very appreciative of me being there in the ICU, there is nothing more that he can ask from me.
> 
> The ex FIL told me after I left for home, my ex wife’s condition deteriorated. The doctors told the family to prepare for the worst. If there is any consolation to this was that when it came to saying their final goodbyes, my ex FIL spoke a lot of things to the ex and *when he mentioned my name, my ex FIL said the ex gave a small smile* (according to my ex FIL, it looked like a smile anyway). Not long after that, she passed on peacefully.
> 
> I will post more about the OM and the ex laws when I am feeling much better. Thanks again. As for my lady friend, she said it is better for me to be left alone so that I can mourn in peace or privacy (I can’t remember her exact words). She is not coming. Anyway, I have not been eating well and I don’t feel like going out. The boss was kind enough to let me take a few days off.


Just too many coincidences man, just too many. She was happy you were there. Atleast I would like to believe it to be so.

I was listening to this when I was reading your post.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JzIK5FaC38w


----------



## NextTimeAround

****As for my lady friend, she said it is better for me to be left alone so that I can mourn in peace or privacy (I can’t remember her exact words). She is not coming. ****

She is wise to choose not to do so. Will you be meeting anyone there who is important to your future, like children between the two of you. 

If you need to mourn, then you need to mourn. But please don't accuse your lady friend of being jealous when she might just be smart enough to know that you are not ready for a new relationship.


----------



## bandit.45

warlock07 said:


> Just too many coincidences man, just too many. She was happy you were there. Atleast I would like to believe it to be so.
> 
> I was listening to this when I was reading your post.
> Explosions In The Sky- Your Hand In Mine - YouTube


:iagree: Completely.


----------



## happyman64

Very obvious NextTimeAround. I was afraid to say it to him. I am glad you did.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07

I hope you are ok OP.


----------



## J Valley

warlock07 said:


> I hope you are ok OP.


Thanks for checking on me. I am feeling better and slowly getting into my normal routine. A couple of days ago, I received a package from my ex FIL. My ex FIL told me that my ex wife wanted me to have it after she is gone. The package contained a lot of stuff from our marriage and from our dating days. There were letters, photos taken together, cards and some other stuff that I got for her when we were dating/married. I thought she would have thrown all the stuff away when we got divorced. Embarrassingly, I must say that I got rid of all the stuff when we got divorced. It was my way of detachment and moving on.

In the package was a small little card handwritten by her (I recognized her hand writing) which says, “My dearest xxxx, thank you for all the wonderful and happy moments we shared together. Love you always and forever, xxxx”. I must admit that I was a bit disappointed as I was hoping that she would write a longer letter but I guess she probably knew that she was going or she was too weak at that time.

I promised that I would write about some of the things I learned about her from my final visit at the ICU. To continue from my last post, I met my ex in laws in the ICU. It was rather weird, when we came face to face, we instinctively hugged each other and shed some tears. After things began to settle down a bit, my ex FIL invited me to grab a cup of coffee outside. We started with some small talk but I had to know whether the OM will be there anytime soon as I didn’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable with my presence. My ex FIL just shook his head sadly and looked down. He informed me that less than a year after we got divorced the OM met a tragic accident. When I asked my ex FIL whether the OM treated my ex wife well. My ex FIL said the OM was a respectful, polite and decent guy in spite of the affair. Both the OM and ex wife have agreed not to pursue the relationship any further (I will read that as moving to PA) until both of them have got their divorce. Since the OM had kids (unlike us), things were more complicated and took longer for him to settle with his wife. While separated from his wife, the OM died in a tragic accident.

My ex FIL said after the accident, my ex wife went into depression. From my ex FIL’s story, I could see that reality had hit my ex wife when she realized that she was not able to attend the OM’s funeral as it would be rather awkward. If she had attended the funeral, it would probably hurt the OM’s wife even more since the OM’s wife would legally still be the OM’s widow. I guess my ex wife felt that she was like the OM’s mistress. However, my ex FIL did inform me that they had plans to get married once the OM’s divorce has been finalized. 

When she fell into depression, my ex in laws and a few of her friends were trying to get her to contact me as they knew that she still had a lot of love for me but she refused. She knew that I had or at least was trying to move on and she didn’t want to treat me as her back up plan. For what it’s worth, she still cared for me. The ex FIL said they persuaded her but she still refused. After about a year, she finally agreed but it was also around that time when she discovered she had cancer. From that moment, she told her family that she will not contact me. She was worried that I would be concern about her and the last thing she wanted from me was being hurt again. Her depression and her condition deteriorated quite rapidly which resulted her being in the ICU.

I apologize for this long post as I owed it to all of you for your concern and support given to me. Thanks once again.


----------



## MainMan#6

Its good to hear from you JV. I'm glad that you are doing well.


----------



## dblkman

In spite of her imperfections she was descent, she did the honourable thing. we all who have been thru affairs say to our ws "why not just tell me the truth about ur affair". she did just that, gotta give her some credit......sorry man, God's blessings be on you...


----------



## lordmayhem

dblkman said:


> In spite of her imperfections she was descent, she did the honourable thing. we all who have been thru affairs say to our ws "why not just tell me the truth about ur affair". she did just that, gotta give her some credit......sorry man, God's blessings be on you...


Not to bash the dead, but only if she could have done the honorable thing while she was married to J Valley, which is to not cheat. She really did think she was going to sail off into the sunset with the OM until the karma bus literally hit him. But she did at least have the decency not to make J Valley her back up plan.


----------



## dblkman

Yeah now the om kids will ultimately suffer...


----------



## arbitrator

JValley: Glad to hear that you're doing OK as I've been in prayer for you.

Your ex was a decent woman, but confused. And in the end, she saw the type of man you are and that she ultimately left behind. In her waning days, she had to have had some premonition that letting you go was by far the biggest mistake of her life.

But pride and not wanting to hurt you was what ultimately kept her from making contact with you. In essence, I greatly feel that she never lost the love she had for you. I feel that she took it to her grave. And I feel that when she sees you in the hereafter, that she will humbly beg for your forgiveness, not that it hasn't already been granted.

Go look up the definition of the word "man" in Webster's, JValley! I truly think that your picture is posted there! Take care of yourself, my friend, and let us know how you are getting along!


----------



## happyman64

JValley

Thank you for sharing the rest of the story.

Very sad for both of you. God truly works in mysterious ways. 

Peace to you and I hope you can move on and enjoy your life.

Your ex inlaws seem pretty cool. I am glad they shared these last moments with you.

I commend you on all your actions.......

HM64
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## keko

dblkman said:


> Yeah now the om kids will ultimately suffer...


They have a perfect example of what not to do/become.


----------



## Acabado

> reality had hit my ex wife when she realized that she was not able to attend the OM’s funeral as it would be rather awkward. If she had attended the funeral, it would probably hurt the OM’s wife even more since the OM’s wife would legally still be the OM’s widow. I guess my ex wife felt that she was like the OM’s mistress.





> She knew that I had or at least was trying to move on and she didn’t want to treat me as her back up plan. For what it’s worth, she still cared for me. The ex FIL said they persuaded her but she still refused. After about a year, she finally agreed but it was also around that time when she discovered she had cancer. From that moment, she told her family that she will not contact me. She was worried that I would be concern about her and the last thing she wanted from me was being hurt again. Her depression and her condition deteriorated quite rapidly which resulted her being in the ICU.


What a sad situtation she found herself. First at her own hands, later due fatality. I realy wish she actually heard you so she left in peace.


----------



## dixieangel

What a tragic story. I was in tears when i read it. I no longer have mixed feelings about this type of situation. You did the right thing and I have the utmost respect for you...and for her in the end. Thank you for sharing your story. I wish for you peace and comfort.


----------



## warlock07

Tragic story!! Everyone lost in some way.

She did not give Jvalley a chance to save the marriage

The OM died before they could marry.

Finally she succumbed to her own illness.

It is like she lost everything after she left J


Calling it Karma is a little uncalled for.


----------



## carpenoctem

JValley:

Your story really reads like a novel / movie script.
*Life imitating art. Truly soul-stirring.*

I am glad that you were in a solid new relationship by the time things began unraveling for your former wife. And that, after all the sad discoveries about her life, you could return to the arms of your new love, and feel safe.

Otherwise, you might have returned to a gloomy cocoon of nostalgia and what-could-have-been.

*You, Sir, are a good man. An endangered species that needs to be protected in today’s world.*

I am wiser for having read your story.


----------



## cabin fever

very sorry for your loss. 

I think you did the right thing by visiting her. IMO, she enjoyed your presence, and would want you to live a long happy life.


----------



## TDSC60

I could be way out of line here and I don't know if this will help JV, but the coincidences seem a little much.

A young lady with two small children just moved into our neighborhood.

My wife an I invited her and the kids to use our pool. They came over. During the conversations, she mentioned that she had separated from her husband a couple of years ago and not long after the separation he was killed in a car accident. I didn't press for detail obviously.

She seems happy now with a new boyfriend and the kids are healthy and happy boys.


----------



## crossbar

warlock07 said:


> Tragic story!! Everyone lost in some way.
> 
> She did not give Jvalley a chance to save the marriage
> 
> The OM died before they could marry.
> 
> Finally she succumbed to her own illness.
> 
> It is like she lost everything after she left J
> 
> 
> Calling it Karma is a little uncalled for.


Yes, this is a tragic story. But, in retrospect. I speculate that a lot of resentment and a lot of pain got resolved in the end. They were able to put the BS aside and JValley actually had a chance to say goodbye to the woman that he did fall in love with years ago. I'm sure that he hurt when the marriage ended and I'm sure he's hurting at her passing.

I know that there's really nothing anyone can say or do that's going to make you feel any better. But, I will tell you this. Your Exwife died, but don't you stop living. She wouldn't want that for you. In the end, she would want you happy and living a full life. Having adventures and seeing the world.....and falling in love again. By you showing up and seeing her in her final days shows the ultimate level of forgiveness. And wherever she is right now, she's probably smiling down on you and thanking you for your kindness.

And to the woman that you were seeing before all of this went down. Don't shut her out. She had been completely understanding of this whole situation. Let her help you. Let her be that shoulder to cry on, or someone to lean on. She sounds like a strong and understanding woman. Don't put up walls now if she's willing to help you through this tough time.


----------



## J Valley

Thanks to all who have posted, in particular warlock, arbitrator who have given me a lot of hope and comfort.


----------



## J Valley

TDSC60 said:


> I could be way out of line here and I don't know if this will help JV, but the coincidences seem a little much.
> 
> A young lady with two small children just moved into our neighborhood.
> 
> My wife an I invited her and the kids to use our pool. They came over. During the conversations, she mentioned that she had separated from her husband a couple of years ago and not long after the separation he was killed in a car accident. I didn't press for detail obviously.
> 
> She seems happy now with a new boyfriend and the kids are healthy and happy boys.


Part of me is curious about your neighbor but I guess it is time for me to move on and close this chapter in my life.


----------



## anonymouskitty

This story is reminds me of The Descendants, beautiful movie beautiful ending.


----------



## piggyoink

you mean like a k-drama


----------



## J Valley

Hi everyone,

It has been awhile since I last posted. I have actually forgotten my password and couldn’t log in. Anyway, just want to let everyone know that I am doing ok. I have gone back to work and slowly picking up the pieces. I have told my boss that I will be quitting my job once we have completed our last project together. After seeing the passing of my ex wife, I felt that life is just too short and I should go out more and enjoy my life. Our breakup was partly due to both of us focusing on our careers and not spending enough time with each other.

I am no longer dating and have been spending time at home reading and watching the Olympics. Now that I have some time in my hands, I will be catching up on some of the threads here in TAM and hope to contribute wherever I can.


----------



## lordmayhem

You broke up with your GF then?


----------



## J Valley

lordmayhem said:


> You broke up with your GF then?


Well, she broke up with me. She found someone else and from what I heard they are going strong. Well, good for her. That's life, I will survive.


----------



## lordmayhem

J Valley said:


> Well, she broke up with me. She found someone else and from what I heard they are going strong. Well, good for her. That's life, I will survive.


That soon? It's seems like quite a coincidence that she was so understanding and willing to let you go home to see the ex. She may have been seeing her new man before you even went home. Oh well. It's clear she wasn't long term relationship material anyway.


----------



## J Valley

lordmayhem said:


> That soon? It's seems like quite a coincidence that she was so understanding and willing to let you go home to see the ex. She may have been seeing her new man before you even went home. Oh well. It's clear she wasn't long term relationship material anyway.


She wasn't happy that I was going to visit my ex. I guess that is understandable but agreed that would be the right thing for me to do. We were supposed to be going out to a fancy restaurant that weekend but I had to cancel it because of my visit to the ICU.

Anyway, I am glad she found someone. When she gave me time and space to grief, little did I know that the space she was giving me was to be permanent.


----------



## MattMatt

J Valley said:


> She wasn't happy that I was going to visit my ex. I guess that is understandable but agreed that would be the right thing for me to do. We were supposed to be going out to a fancy restaurant that weekend but I had to cancel it because of my visit to the ICU.
> 
> Anyway, I am glad she found someone. When she gave me time and space to grief, little did I know that the space she was giving me was to be permanent.


If my wife needed to go see an ex who was in the ICU, I'd have gone with her and either held her hand in the ICU, or waited outside for her. And so, I suspect, J Valley, would you.

Good you found out the flaw in your gf's character before you got too involved with her.


----------



## Kasler

Some may say you leaving was what killed the relationship but don't believe it.

She couldn't handle your pain and help you through its and its good that that nature of her has been revealed. 

Many women love relationships when they're fun and easy, but when this mess we call life knocks us off our feet they're the first to head for the hills. A true sign of character is a partner who will be there for you for the highs and the lowest lows. 

I think you'll get good closure from this whole event as well, and become a more complete person.


----------



## spudster

Have you maintained contact with the ex-wife's family since her death?


----------



## happyman64

J Valley

I am glad you are well and healing.

I hope you can feel that you can move on now.

I wish you peace and the happiness you deserve.

HM64


----------



## dixieangel

OP,

I just read a book about why bad things happen and how to make sense out of it. The author had a list of 10 things that we can do to find some kind of meaning and when we can do this, it helps us heal more than anything else. I think it's great you have done that. The longer we live the more we learn and can see how bad things in our past turned out to be great blessings. We just didn't know it at the time. 

Maybe this tragedy not only helped you realize you needed a career change but also kept you from a relationship with the wrong person.

Thank you for sharing your story. I have learned something valuable from it. I wish you all the best.


----------



## Tall Average Guy

MattMatt said:


> If my wife needed to go see an ex who was in the ICU, I'd have gone with her and either held her hand in the ICU, or waited outside for her. And so, I suspect, J Valley, would you.
> 
> Good you found out the flaw in your gf's character before you got too involved with her.


Not sure I would equate a wife to a gf, or equate this to a character flaw. In fact, it could just as easily be seen as the gf realizing that the OP was not ready for a serious relationship and still had issues with his ex-wife. His posts here indicate to me that the best things she could do was in fact let him go so that he could finish his healing.


----------



## arbitrator

You're a good man, JValley! I know that I'm truly honored that you will continue to be here with us all on TAM.

Just don't lose that password, brother!


----------



## J Valley

arbitrator said:


> You're a good man, JValley! I know that I'm truly honored that you will continue to be here with us all on TAM.
> 
> Just don't lose that password, brother!


Thanks, arbitrator. You have been a tremendous help to me throughout my ordeal. I hope you are doing well. Will be reading your thread soon. Take care


----------



## J Valley

spudster said:


> Have you maintained contact with the ex-wife's family since her death?


We have spoken a few times. My ex's family wants to start a scholarship fund in memory of her. My ex father in law asked me for my opinion. I told him it is a fantastic idea. I felt honored that he actually asked me for my opinion even though I am no longer part of their family. Anyway, he wants me to be there for the dedication which will be next month. I told him I will certainly be there. I am glad that things are moving in a positive direction. After 3 years, we got to talk again.


----------



## J Valley

Tall Average Guy said:


> Not sure I would equate a wife to a gf, or equate this to a character flaw. In fact, it could just as easily be seen as the gf realizing that the OP was not ready for a serious relationship and still had issues with his ex-wife. His posts here indicate to me that the best things she could do was in fact let him go so that he could finish his healing.


As for the lady that I was dating, it doesn't really matter anymore. We knew each other slightly more than a month. It will take time for us to get to know each other better. My early impression was that she was pleasant and rather outgoing. Oh well, things happen for a reason.


----------



## lifeisnotsogood

J Valley said:


> She wasn't happy that I was going to visit my ex. I guess that is understandable but agreed that would be the right thing for me to do. We were supposed to be going out to a fancy restaurant that weekend but I had to cancel it because of my visit to the ICU.
> 
> Anyway, I am glad she found someone. When she gave me time and space to grief, little did I know that the space she was giving me was to be permanent.


Everything happens for a reason.


----------



## TheGoodGuy

Sorry to dig up the past, but your story was linked in another thread and I was in tears reading it. J Valley, I hope you're still around TAM and if so, can you give us an update?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

TheGoodGuy said:


> Sorry to dig up the past, but your story was linked in another thread and I was in tears reading it. J Valley, I hope you're still around TAM and if so, can you give us an update?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Haven't read this story in many months but I still think about it from time-to-time, even now. Why? The story haunts me. So moving.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## realist

I say go visit her


----------



## MattMatt

realist said:


> I say go visit her


He did. Check out the rest of the thread. A very moving story.


----------



## J Valley

TheGoodGuy said:


> Sorry to dig up the past, but your story was linked in another thread and I was in tears reading it. J Valley, I hope you're still around TAM and if so, can you give us an update?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you for checking out the thread. There is nothing more that I can update here. This thread basically ended when my ex-wife passed on. I can't believe that it is almost a year since she left us. It was difficult at first but like most things in life, we have to continue living and move on. May God bless you and yours.


----------



## Thound

J Valley said:


> Thank you for checking out the thread. There is nothing more that I can update here. This thread basically ended when my ex-wife passed on. I can't believe that it is almost a year since she left us. It was difficult at first but like most things in life, we have to continue living and move on. May God bless you and yours.


One word sum up J Valley CLASS!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

Still makes me tear up.


----------



## arbitrator

*JValley: Thanks for checking in. I, for one, greatly miss your presence and hope that you'll have time to haunt around here a little more. And I am definitely not a "Committee of One" in expressing that sentiment!

You are truly an exceptional man ~ the world needs far more like you!

Please don't be a stranger, Kind Sir, as the rest of us would greatly suffer from your noted absence here. May our Lord and Saviour truly continue to bless you and yours!*


----------



## john_lord_b3

J Valley said:


> Thanks for checking on me. I am feeling better and slowly getting into my normal routine. A couple of days ago, I received a package from my ex FIL. My ex FIL told me that my ex wife wanted me to have it after she is gone. The package contained a lot of stuff from our marriage and from our dating days. There were letters, photos taken together, cards and some other stuff that I got for her when we were dating/married. I thought she would have thrown all the stuff away when we got divorced. Embarrassingly, I must say that I got rid of all the stuff when we got divorced. It was my way of detachment and moving on.
> 
> In the package was a small little card handwritten by her (I recognized her hand writing) which says, “My dearest xxxx, thank you for all the wonderful and happy moments we shared together. Love you always and forever, xxxx”. I must admit that I was a bit disappointed as I was hoping that she would write a longer letter but I guess she probably knew that she was going or she was too weak at that time.
> 
> I promised that I would write about some of the things I learned about her from my final visit at the ICU. To continue from my last post, I met my ex in laws in the ICU. It was rather weird, when we came face to face, we instinctively hugged each other and shed some tears. After things began to settle down a bit, my ex FIL invited me to grab a cup of coffee outside. We started with some small talk but I had to know whether the OM will be there anytime soon as I didn’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable with my presence. My ex FIL just shook his head sadly and looked down. He informed me that less than a year after we got divorced the OM met a tragic accident. When I asked my ex FIL whether the OM treated my ex wife well. My ex FIL said the OM was a respectful, polite and decent guy in spite of the affair. Both the OM and ex wife have agreed not to pursue the relationship any further (I will read that as moving to PA) until both of them have got their divorce. Since the OM had kids (unlike us), things were more complicated and took longer for him to settle with his wife. While separated from his wife, the OM died in a tragic accident.
> 
> My ex FIL said after the accident, my ex wife went into depression. From my ex FIL’s story, I could see that reality had hit my ex wife when she realized that she was not able to attend the OM’s funeral as it would be rather awkward. If she had attended the funeral, it would probably hurt the OM’s wife even more since the OM’s wife would legally still be the OM’s widow. I guess my ex wife felt that she was like the OM’s mistress. However, my ex FIL did inform me that they had plans to get married once the OM’s divorce has been finalized.
> 
> When she fell into depression, my ex in laws and a few of her friends were trying to get her to contact me as they knew that she still had a lot of love for me but she refused. She knew that I had or at least was trying to move on and she didn’t want to treat me as her back up plan. For what it’s worth, she still cared for me. The ex FIL said they persuaded her but she still refused. After about a year, she finally agreed but it was also around that time when she discovered she had cancer. From that moment, she told her family that she will not contact me. She was worried that I would be concern about her and the last thing she wanted from me was being hurt again. Her depression and her condition deteriorated quite rapidly which resulted her being in the ICU.
> 
> I apologize for this long post as I owed it to all of you for your concern and support given to me. Thanks once again.


Dear sir, my sincerest apology for resurrecting a post one year old, but I just wish to say that your story is so beautiful, so touching, so compelling. My deepest respect to you Sir, you restore my faith to humanity. Barakallahufikum, God Bless You. Best Regards, John.


----------



## happyman64

J Valley said:


> Thank you for checking out the thread. There is nothing more that I can update here. This thread basically ended when my ex-wife passed on. I can't believe that it is almost a year since she left us. It was difficult at first but like most things in life, we have to continue living and move on. May God bless you and yours.


JValley

I refer to your thread many times on TAM.

I want spouses, any spouses whether they be loyal, battered or wayward to read your thread so they understand what it means to truly love someone.

No matter how badly they might hurt us.....

So I am glad you updated your story. I hope you realize just what kind of man you are in this life.

I do not just go by your exwife's words about you. There is no question that she still cared deeply for you.

But I go by what your Inlaws thought of you. That tells me even more about your charachter; that they thought so highly of you that they would want their daughter to still reach out to you.

Thanks for sticking around.

HM64


----------



## dblkman

this is probably one of the few stories here that i have read more than once! seems like reading it just once is not enough


----------



## ShockwaveRider

J Valley said:


> I have gone back to work and slowly picking up the pieces. I have told my boss that I will be quitting my job once we have completed our last project together. After seeing the passing of my ex wife, I felt that life is just too short and I should go out more and enjoy my life.


J Valley's thread was linked to mine regarding a terminally ill spouse. I found many of his posts very insightful.

I'm thinking about doing the exact same thing JV posted up about here, quitting my job after this is all over and moving away from here.

I've worked at the same job (well, the same employer) for 32 years. I climbed the ladder in engineering and make quite a nice income. For the past six years, I've been paying alimony to my ex-wife. At least this gave me some reason to drag my busted old ass to work every day. Once she passes away (terminal colon cancer) that incentive will be gone.

On the other hand, I'm going to have "quite a bit more money" once I'm no longer paying alimony. Might be kind of nice to take an elk hunting vacation every year. What else would I do with the additional money? Buy more stuff? I have more stuff than I will ever need already.

Eh....it's already reached the point where I have to figure out how to "move on" and "what to do with rest of my life". I think I need the intellectual stimulation of work or else I'll go nuts. No, I mean seriously nuts. One thing for sure, when this is all over, I'm going to sleep for a week. Maybe I'll get up and eat, but then I'm going back to bed. I'm exhausted beyond belief.

Ever actually watch someone dying? You can never be the same, that's for sure.

Hope you're doing well out there JValley.

Shockwave


----------



## ShootMePlz!

Like Shawshank Redemption said "Get busy Living or Get busy Dying"!!!


----------



## carpenoctem

JValley:

If we take a poll, I am sure you will be the poster who has made the maximum number of TAM viewers cry.

You will be one who has made the maximum number of us smile too.

And I wager that miraculously, your x-wife will have the empathy of the maximum number of people here too – an honour that very few WWs are bestowed here.

Your story (yours and your x-wife’s) really reads like a Greek tragedy, told simply in modern-day terms.

And people like you, Sir, are the real Alpha Males – not those pheromone-driven primates in suits.

Glad to have known you.

*May beautiful things happen to you.
*


----------



## carpenoctem

JValley:

If we take a poll, I am sure you will be the poster who has made the maximum number of TAM viewers cry.

You will be one who has made the maximum number of us smile too.

And I wager that miraculously, your x-wife will have the empathy of the maximum number of people here too – an honour that very few WWs are bestowed here.

Your story (yours and your x-wife’s) really reads like a Greek tragedy, told simply in modern-day terms.

And people like you, Sir, are the real Alpha Males – not those pheromone-driven primates in suits.

Glad to have known you.

*May beautiful things happen to you.
*


----------



## carpenoctem

JValley:

If we take a poll, I am sure you will be the poster who has made the maximum number of TAM viewers cry.

You will be one who has made the maximum number of us smile too.

And I wager that ironically, your ex-wife will have the empathy of the maximum number of people here too – an honour that very few WWs are bestowed here.

Your story (you and your ex-wife’s) really reads like a Greek tragedy, told simply in modern-day terms.

And people like you, Sir, are the real Alpha Males – not those pheromone-driven primates in suits.

Glad to have known you.

*May beautiful things happen to you.
*


----------

