# Long but Please Read!! Don't want to divorce my wife



## Skllt86 (Jun 12, 2012)

I have been married for almost 6 years, together for a little over 7 years. I am 26 and wife is almost 26. We have 3 beautiful kids 5 1/2, 3 1/2, and almost 1. We were eachothers best friends. We were madly in love. When she became pregnant at almost 20 we were not married but we were engaged. She told me she can do it on her own and I said that I would be there for her.

I have had a troubled past. 9 months into our dating lives i was arrested for stealing money from a store i worked at over $10,000. I was charged with a felony and did my 4 weekend jails and almost 300 hrs community service. My wife stayed with me and worked together to get through it.

I also since I was 12 or 13 have had a bad porn addiction. But my wife never really knew until we were married. When she was pregnant with our first she caught me one night looking at it. She got over it cause I lied and promised I wouldn't do it again. But i broke that and did it alot. She kept telling me that i need to get help, but she never pushed me and i never was wanting to go. One time I paid to watch a girl online and setup a online dating thing with no intensions of meeting local people. Well that put her into the crisis center and forgave me a whle after. I started to get help for awhile but then stopped. That was 2 years ago and haven't looked at porn since. Everyone was telling her that she should leave me, but she loved me too much and stayed.

I also have a wondering hand at night sometimes where it does violate her sexually. Our sex life sucks in the past 3 years. Probably about 20-25 times in that time.

Sorry about being long, but wanted to know my back ground. She also has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression and was taking her meds for a while then just stopped about almost 2 years ago. When she was on her meds she was an easy person to get along with. But since she has been off them she is misserable. She is a stay at home mom and hasn't worked in 6 years. Past couple of months her pmswas through the roof. Always yelling at me and jsut making it hard to deal with. Because of this I have lost my cool saying things I shouldn't have. I one time said I don't give a f** about you, under my breath out of frustration. She heard it. I did'nt mean it at all. She says things all the time to me that are degrading to me. Always playing head games with me. Almost like inviting me to say things. I never can keep my mouth shut.

We really haven't gone out very much at all, by ourselves, in a long time. She has said she is tired of being home all day with the kids. I work hard everyday from 8-5 and when I get home I am tired. I still try to have fun with the kids and her. She is mad at me cause I don't take her out on dates and that I don't make an effort to. Neither has she. She also wanted to get counciling but it fell through and it was always my fault I never made an apointment.

I can say we really put eachother through hell but we still loved eachother very much.

2 weekends ago she said that she wants to seperate because she loves me but not in love with me, and she wants to know what it is like to miss me again and feel butterflies and the rush of excitement of seeing me. She wants to be happy. I told her that I can change and show her I can have fun with her.

She said she is tired of giving me too many time to work with her on fixing our marraige.

I set up an appointment with our pastor for counciling Moday June 4. That day I flet good. She told me in a text she loved me. The MC i thought went good, but she wasn't happy because I was honest and me telling the pastor about how I would take a lot of time off from work to be with her and my boss said you have been taking too much time off and be careful. I can't afford to lose my job. She didn't want to here it. I would love to play hookie again to spend time with her.

The week went on I was staying with my parents and missing her really bad. Not eating hurting really bad. Pushing and not giving her space. I keep telling her she is pretty and beautiful and making her feel good about herself. She has self esteem issues. I tried to stay away but found I was psuhing her to tell me there is hope. She agreed to one date and one date only. Which fell through. 

She would go to the park and walk and read when I got home and she would make herself look sexy. Hair Makeup. I thought maybe she wanted to feel good about herself. Thought nothing of it.

Then I found out she was talking on facebook (she spends countless hours on facebook even when I want to spend time with her and trying to get the kids to bed) by betraying her by snooping in to find if there was any hope. I found she was talking to a guy. At first she was defensive toward him but opening up because he was giving her the attention and the affection she wants.

I confronted her not in a good way after the date fell through. She said that he was a friend that she was trying to get to come to church. She said if anything he was trying to fix us and told her to go to MC. 

Satuday morning she offered to go out with me and I thought she wanted to work out things.

Saturday night came and she was at the park and he texted her around 8:30 seeing if she wanted to go to dinner with him and his two sisters. She sent me a text saying getting food. Didn't hear from her until 10:10. She got home and I told her I don't want to tell her who she can talk to but she should have told me that she was talking to this person. She told me she really likes him. He's a great guy.

Sunday at church he was there and I said something to a person I've known for many years, about the person. I told her and that she shouldn't be talking to a guy in secret behind my back. Stupid me, just looking for support, but it backfired. She found out and she tol me what hope there was is now totally gone. I she could afford to file for divorce she would.

Since Sunday since I made her humiliated at church she was been really bitter at me.

I am trying to see if this is another head game she is playing like she has done many times saying I want a divorce and ranting on.

I have hope that there can still be a happy marriage. I love her so much and have been trying for the past 2 days telling her she is beautiful and everything but then she tells me I need to stop.

Should I try and give her space hopefully she will calm down?
I don't know what to do. I dont want to move on and let her go even all that she has putt me through with her bipolar. I love her. I take marriage as a life long commitment. sometimes you have struggles but when i said ro in sickness and in health and I Do, i meant it.

Please hlep me


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

"hopefully she will calm down?"

This is really a clue to how much you minimize her concerns. Calm down? Seriously?


----------



## Skllt86 (Jun 12, 2012)

I doesn't help either that her mom is hell bent on her getting a divorce. I know that nothing physical is going on between her and htis guy but emotionally she is in heaven whens she talks to him. 

I have betrayed her trust many times but also let her walk all over me to. I love her but she is dead set on divorce.


----------



## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

Give her the space and do not pursue her unless you want to push her away for good. 

This isn't a head game, she is checking out of the relationship. There is a chance there is someone else, the ILUBNILWY is a tall tale sign. She feels trapped around you right now and seriously the more you try here, the more you are going to push her away. 

There are countless stories on here about people hearing these exact same lines. Sorry to be blunt, but I rather just hit you with it all now, because you are going to get trickle truths for a while.

You have been trying for two days. She has been wanting you to try for 7 years. 

Once someone checks out, they are the ones that have to make the decision to come back. NOT YOU. I want you to remember that. There is nothing you can do at this point, but GIVE HER THE SPACE SHE HAS REQUESTED. 

I am telling you, from the bottom of my heart, you push here, you lose her. You are already pushing, because you said you have been trying for two days. That is not space, that is smothering and groveling and it is so unattractive to females its unbelievable. Please read what the 180 is and work on you and stop looking at porn and date your mate.

Also, stop pushing blame. You literally tried to paint a picture on everything negative in the relationship to minimize your role and responsibility in all of this. Not saying this is all you, but own the fact that you have not been the most attentive husband.

I work during the day too, but watching children all day long is a job in itself and she still wanted to hang out with you. Women want to feel wanted and so do men, but it takes work.


----------



## Skllt86 (Jun 12, 2012)

I have stopped looking at porn and have realized that I know that I was not the most attentive husband. I have told many times that what she does is a huge job staying home with the kids and that I would never be able to do it. I know a lot is my fault but also know that some of it is hers, but she doesn't want to admit it or realize it.

She told me last night that she wants to have the kids and her see this guy more. She said he cares about me and the kids. I told her I would love to spend time with my you and my kids, you when you are ready. She said she doesn't love him but has feelings for him and she has feelings for others as well. Her feelings toward him are more than just a good friend. She will purposely drive 30 miles with out kids to visit him at work. She gets a smile when she talks to him, which I understand, it makes her happy. But I told her you are still married and she should have talked to me about things like this instead of hiding them from me. That she was becoming emotionally attached. Like having an emotional affair with him. She started going off that I was calling her an emotional wh*re bag cause she has feelings for many of her friends. It was not what I said at all. I feel that that really closed the coffin shut on our marriage. I want to give her space and stop pushing her and keep my mouth shut, but I needed to let her know how my thoughts were also. I love her and will always love and care about her. I guess I am an idiot.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Skllt86 said:


> I have stopped looking at porn and have realized that I know that I was not the most attentive husband. I have told many times that what she does is a huge job staying home with the kids and that I would never be able to do it. I know a lot is my fault but also know that some of it is hers, but she doesn't want to admit it or realize it.
> 
> *She told me last night that she wants to have the kids and her see this guy more. She said he cares about me and the kids.* I told her I would love to spend time with my you and my kids, you when you are ready. *She said she doesn't love him but has feelings for him and she has feelings for others as well. Her feelings toward him are more than just a good friend. She will purposely drive 30 miles with out kids to visit him at work. She gets a smile when she talks to him, which I understand, it makes her happy*. But I told her you are still married and she should have talked to me about things like this instead of hiding them from me. That she was becoming emotionally attached. Like having an emotional affair with him. She started going off that I was calling her an emotional wh*re bag cause she has feelings for many of her friends. It was not what I said at all. I feel that that really closed the coffin shut on our marriage. I want to give her space and stop pushing her and keep my mouth shut, but I needed to let her know how my thoughts were also. I love her and will always love and care about her. I guess I am an idiot.


:scratchhead:

How can this be good?
Looks to me like he's working on her vulnerability. 
Is he in some sort of position of power in your church?
I would think that a church would have people capable of helping professionally in a situation such as this. Is he married or single?


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Woa -she ditches you to go to the park, then he texts her about meeting up for food with his family, and she goes on the date with him?

This guy isn't a friend he is pursuing her.

You need to talk to your pastor about this guy since he is at the same church. He needs to be told to back off from pursuing a married woman ASAP.

You're wife is in an EA pure and simple. You need to play very hard ball.

First, your kids should not be around him at all. His is the OM.

IF you file for D, then as part of it and part of the separation insert a morals clause specifically prohibiting the OM from being around your kids or at your home.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Call it like it is - this is a full blown EA and it will likely go PA given time. Talk to the pastor because I doubt he will tolerate cheating in his church. 

Also expose it to others - friends and family and church. Yes she will be angry - it's because you are interfering with her affair. 

You goal right now isn't to win her back - you have got to kill the affair first.

Also go read in the Infidelity Section here on TAM. Because that's what you're dealing with right now.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Skllt86 said:


> 2 weekends ago she said that she wants to seperate because she loves me but not in love with me, and she wants to know what it is like to miss me again and feel butterflies and the rush of excitement of seeing me. She wants to be happy. I told her that I can change and show her I can have fun with her.


These words are classic words from someone in an affair. Your wife is getting her rush from this other guy.

Please get a copy of Married Man Sex Life by Kay Athol. It's not a sex manual - it talks about the response your wife is having to this other man, what she once had to you and actions you can work on to illicit that response in her again.

Do not agree to the separation. It won't work because right now her emotional and physical responses are coming from being near this other guy. You leaving, and her spending time with him will only reinforce this.

basically the problem right now isn't about her missing you. It's that you are in the way of her attraction to this other man. Her leaving will only help remove you as an barrier to him. Her biology is telling her to ditch you so she can spend more time and bond more with him.

PLease visit the coping with infidelity section, read the newbie stuff there and you'll see what you are dealing with is an EA.


----------



## Skllt86 (Jun 12, 2012)

I have talked to my pastor and he doesn't think it is good for her to talking to this guy. He has only been to our church once, which was this past Sunday. I know she is in an EA but she doesn't see it that way. She has told me he is a friend that she can talk to. He told her that she needs to try and fix this marriage and to give MC a try. She did one time until I told someone at church and she felt humiliated and so did he. She told me she likes him but doesn't love him. That she doesn't want to be in a relationship for a long time. Even with him. But last week she siad she could see going on a date or two in the future. Last night she sent me a text saying "hey... I care for you. Honestly." I didn't send anything back cause I was sleeping.

I just wish she could see that I am getting help for my issues and i want to save our marriage and to open up her heart to me a little and work with me.

Am I to naive and dumb to have these hopes that we can still work it out? Could she change her mind?


----------



## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

Skllt86 said:


> I have talked to my pastor and he doesn't think it is good for her to talking to this guy. He has only been to our church once, which was this past Sunday. I know she is in an EA but she doesn't see it that way. She has told me he is a friend that she can talk to. He told her that she needs to try and fix this marriage and to give MC a try. She did one time until I told someone at church and she felt humiliated and so did he. She told me she likes him but doesn't love him. That she doesn't want to be in a relationship for a long time. Even with him. But last week she siad she could see going on a date or two in the future. Last night she sent me a text saying "hey... I care for you. Honestly." I didn't send anything back cause I was sleeping.
> 
> I just wish she could see that I am getting help for my issues and i want to save our marriage and to open up her heart to me a little and work with me.
> 
> Am I to naive and dumb to have these hopes that we can still work it out? Could she change her mind?


That is all up to her and the more you focus on trying to "fix her" so she loves you again the further you are going to go down the rabbit hole. 

Let me say this. Again blunt.

It is *WAY TO LATE* to want to try once the other person no longer wants to be in the relationship. Why all of a sudden do you expect her to change her mind?

You have to see there is nothing you can do at this point, but inner focus on yourself and worry about you and the children. Exercise, read, take the children to the park, do things that do not focus on your wife, because she is doing things that clearly do not focus on you. 

It is still too fresh for you to see what we are saying here, but when the fog of what you are experiencing lifts you will see that these are the only things you can do. 

Remember this. You do not control her or her mind or her heart. She does. If she wanted you to have those things she would freely and openly give them to you, but it would be her choice, not yours.

She is also, definitely, in an EA/PA.


----------



## Skllt86 (Jun 12, 2012)

I guess i am still in denial about it. Setting myself up for false hope. I just love her with all my heart and dont want to let go.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Skllt86 said:


> I have talked to my pastor and he doesn't think it is good for her to talking to this guy. He has only been to our church once, which was this past Sunday. I know she is in an EA but she doesn't see it that way. She has told me he is a friend that she can talk to. He told her that she needs to try and fix this marriage and to give MC a try. She did one time until I told someone at church and she felt humiliated and so did he. She told me she likes him but doesn't love him. That she doesn't want to be in a relationship for a long time. Even with him. But last week she siad she could see going on a date or two in the future. Last night she sent me a text saying "hey... I care for you. Honestly." I didn't send anything back cause I was sleeping.
> 
> I just wish she could see that I am getting help for my issues and i want to save our marriage and to open up her heart to me a little and work with me.
> 
> Am I to naive and dumb to have these hopes that we can still work it out? Could she change her mind?


Get her a copy of More Than Just Friends to read.

Clearly OM is coming to church to be with her. Got that now.

So now you know - there is a relationship here. He is pursuing her as a date, and she is accepting him there.

You need to end this affair before MC can make any progress.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Skllt86 said:


> I guess i am still in denial about it. Setting myself up for false hope. I just love her with all my heart and dont want to let go.


Listen man.
You have started working on you. You have kicked the porn addiction,you are admitting where you went wrong in the relationship. You desire to spend more time with her and the children........
Don't be too hard on yourself!
Continue working on your inside issues.........
But for God's sake don't beg her. Its all up to her ,if she still wants to be with you. Right now she is like Alice in Wonderland and things are getting " Curiouser and curiouser! "


----------

