# Not a year ago it seems...



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

You can see it on her FB profile way back on our anniversary, the year before last,, "nine years ago I married my soulmate".. written on her facebook wall, expressing to everyone a seemingly positive mood towards what "we" were...followed by a slew of likes and comments, all supportive and drenched in smarmy happiness.. Gee.... what happened. 
Merely two months later, shes telling our nine year old about her new boyfriend, who he is, that hes a nice guy. 
Truly an entrenching moment for me to hear relayed by my daughter. Many of these have come. These moments that are like an arm waving in the air, ensuring theres still no line holding up the levitating body at a magic show. Perhaps I have yet to come to full terms with the finality of everything in ALL its complete "ended-ness". Ive asked myself many times "if" there was room for reconciliation would I be game, and I find myself too hurt to think so. Remember butthead? Youre divorced....Oh yeah.. that doesnt have to be a concern of mine anymore.....As I am now divorced, and in my own house, that too was a moment I think all divorcees experience, that "I am alone" moment that also solidifies the nature of the experience. This too, was another, the forced acceptance I found myself having to consider, that my ex wife of 2 months ago is now throwing herself at some dude from a long long time ago. So I went from "happy anniversary soulmate" to "get-the-hell-away from me" mr. controlling ex-husband.. in a matter of months. How could anyone of any sensibility, consider such a remarkable flip-flop as sane or even remotely stable? I cant imagine being her new boyfriend,, "what? divorced two months ago and now you "love" me?" As if that wouldnt just throw all kinds of questions out there... I'd be thinking psycho, or at least be concerned of being the rebound relationship.. But I dont really give a sh!t about either of them... 
It is these moments you experience that test your resolve of being "done" with it in your own thoughts. Have I still tried to hold onto a small end of a rope between us? While I watch her feverishly hack away at her end with a dull butterknife, I still hold on to something? What could it be? I dont want to be "Back" with her. Ever. To consider that scenario would be humiliating, distrusting, unworkable. So why get all bent out of shape about news of another guy in her life now? Evidently, serious enough to tell my daughter about him, shortly before it was my time to pick her up for my week of visitation. 
My daughter has been instructed not to bring the topic of "me" up in conversation.. I can understand that. The less I hear about my ex the better. 

I can only hope these defininitive moments can empower me, rather than feel like another cut so long after the battle. 
At the moment, it feels like a cut.. not so empowering.. lol..
I wish I had some armor to prevent those things from having such a deep cut to them. In my own time I guess, I will have reached a point where every word from her life doesnt threaten my "moved on" status.. I find myself questioning every motive behind every thought I have, every time that my chest tightens and sorrow grips me. It is such a loss to know that the sorrow I want to express is ultimately a waste of my time. Me, driving home down the freeway, from my job, to my house, tears streaming down my face, and yet what the hell-for? For nothing. Of no consequence or effect whatsoever. If there were substance or effected reason behind this sorrow, it would be validated and justified, but to know how useless it is, how ineffectual and empty the moment is spent like that... its just empty. Now she spends her days convincing herself this was the best thing, that she has moved on, new life, new man, new new new, fresh, fluttery, limerance....
Sometimes I wish it were I who had cheated, who had the imbalances necessary to grieve for nothing about it, and to step right into a new relationship with someone else. Spare me from the depth of the importance that I myself put into it, and must now feel the removal of...
It is not a sign of weakness or pitifulness, or shame, to be someone that finds for them, it just takes time to "get over it" and move on from a relationship. It should speak volumes to me for the level of importance I truly had in it. I am obviously the only one in the marriage that DID have that level of importance in it, such that it would affect things like it does.. for now I guess to offset the complete lack of concern or level of importance I see from her about it all, and the ending of it all, I would carry a little more of the burden of mourning it, to give it, its due ceremony. Maybe I will shed a couple more tears for it, though it be a distant acquaintance in her myriad past of faces and places, I will mourn it for a while, because it was important to me.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> So why get all bent out of shape about news of another guy in her life now?


It’s not about him, it’s about what he symbolizes in your ex’s life. You wonder why your ex is willing to put out efforts for this “new love” which they did not do for you. You may even witness some of your ex’s behavior or methods in a new relationship and think, ’Hey, why couldn’t that a$$h*le do that for me when we were married?!’ 



Shooboomafoo said:


> Sometimes I wish it were I who had cheated,


I recall feeling the same way and why did I have to be the one who cared so much more about our marriage. Why couldn't I have been the cold-hearted one? Just not in my nature I guess.



Shooboomafoo said:


> I will mourn it for a while, because it was important to me.


As it should be, even though it sucks.


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## hurtingsobad (Oct 29, 2011)

In the end, the spouse that takes the high road (Betrayed ones like us) will be so much happier with our new spouses or alone than we ever were with the Wayward cheaters that left. Think not?

Look at a pic of her with you 3 years ago, and compare to the FB pics currently. Then take your pic and compare. I think you may look better than her/him! 
And if not, time for YOU to change YOU!
Someone is waiting for you..when you least expect it!


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## nowthinkpositive (Jun 18, 2011)

I hope that is true - that the one that takes the high road is better off long term. It's just so hard. A year ago we were a family having Xmas together. After 23 years of marriage how quickly it ends. This past weekend my ex had his entire family to our old house to host a holiday party (the holiday party I did all the work for when we were married and he never cared about) and he brought his girlfriend to the party as the "hostess". So basically the party was exactly the same but old bag was removed and new friend was inserted. I would never want him back now, as said it would be "unworkable" and he cheated on me for a year with her before he told me about her ... but it just seems so COLD. And it feels like I have been made invisible. The things I did for his family, as a family, were worth nothing and heasily they have forgotten. We got separated in April, divorced in September, and here I sit. Bing, bang, boom, done so quickly after such a long time together. I don't know how to start over at 47. And he seems like he is filled with such dislike for me and I just don't get what I did wrong.

I thought I was doing great - bought my own place - not crying every day - and yesterday my ex (who has not spoken to me in months) texts me and gives me abuse about where our son will spend Xmas eve. My son wanted to spend the day with my ex and spend the night with friends of ours (with me) to continue the tradition he has always known. My ex flipped out because Xmas eve was "HIS" time with my son. I am so stressed over this I stayed in bed all day today and didn't go to work and couldn't eat. He blames me for taking his time with the kid .... all my son did was ask if he could go with me to the friends for Xmas Eve. Should I have asked the ex directly? Our son is 19 - can't he choose to do what he wants to do? Worst of all my son feels torn. He doesn't want to hurt his dad but he wants to make his own choices and my ex does NOT get it. He takes everything personally.

I feel terrible. Does this get better?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your son is an adult. He can go where ever he pleases, so to heck with if his cheating father likes it or not. Simply not your problem. And the ex doesn't get a vote. 

Encourage your son to do what he wants to do,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

shoo: It is hard. I watched my ex for months (stuck in the same house until it sold)say the same endearments he used for me for his new love. Sometimes, I think of the pain I had and realize it has gotten better and it will for you too. You just moved out a month ago, don't be so hard on yourself. I felt the same but now 5 months later it doesn't hurt like it did.

I understand why my ex flipped but that was his own psycho hangups. He accused me of the flimiest character defects in order to justify what he had done.

And by the way, I saw a photo of him recently and he had aged 10 years. He has since dyed his hair again. I have aged as well but not so drastically. Does this really matter? When I had originally saw the photo yes, but that was some time ago.

I am beginning to understand what prompted my ex to lose his mind. He is afraid. Afraid of aging, death, life stopping and he does not have the coping skills. So what he did is evidently what he has done many times in the past, he ran away and then had an affair.

I pray for him. He is more frightened and fragile than I am. He does not believe in God, I do. That is where I have gotten and continue to get my strength to be a better person and to understand others.

My prayers are with you.


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