# My wife never listens to me.



## dweezledap (Feb 7, 2008)

This is a bit reversed from the norm.
I believe my wife has a cell phone addiction. We can never have any kind of serious conversation because it is always interrupted by a phone call. Even when I am the one calling she is still carrying on 1 or more conversations with persons around her/ or on a second phone. In the beginning I excepted this as a quirk. Now it is starting to seriously effect our marriage.

Our other major issue is my wife has no concept of money .. or should I say priorities. She will pay a $500 cell phone bill and ignore the house payment (that is why we had to sell our beautiful home in Maryland and move back to Ohio and live with her Grandmother).

I'm a very proud man. I can not stand living in a home that is not mine and am very .... disappointed.. with the way my in-laws treat me. 

Long story short - house owned by Grandma (great lady - 85 years old - utmost respect). My Mother-in-Law and Step-Father-In-Law also live here.

My wife's stepfather has not worked in 25 years and has mooched off of my Mother-in-law and Grandmother-in-law. I do not respect or like him, to say the least.

I work two jobs to make half the money here I made in Maryland and when I try to discuss these issues with my wife she always throws out the same line ... You think you are perfect ... all you ever do is criticize me and my family. 
I am not criticizing (and by no means am I perfect) .. I'm simply stating facts and the way her and her family spend money. They never pay the bills! They buy cars and cloths and extras. They do not use coupons or try and find the best deals on things. They spend $150 a month on TV, $700 a month on cell phones, $800 a month on steak and lobster, ect... but my wife and mother have had both their cars repoed???

The final straw came yesterday when my wife told me I never listen to her.!???
She said she asked me a question about what to do about her recent bankruptcy (something I knew nothing about).
WE NEVER HAD THIS CONVERSATION!
I work in management at both jobs and deal with a lot of individuals and a lot of bosses ... I can tell you word for word every conversation I have had with each of these people.
I can also give details on the homework I helped my step-daughter with last night or the work my step-son, his father, and I did on his project car.
If my wife had talk about something as important as finances (or anything else for that matter) I would have heard. I dream she will talk to me about important things!

I'm starting to think there are some mental and/or emotional problems here. We no longer have insurance for counselors, or doctors. We have nothing left and everything I make or she makes gets spent at the mall to buy things we don't need or can not afford.

I'm 40 and have always been in shape. I am now having bouts of insomnia, constant "digestive problems", and serious chest pains (thinking it is anxiety). 

What do I do!!!!


----------



## tater03 (Jun 29, 2007)

How in the world did she file bankruptcy without you? Or was it on bill just in her name? First thing I would do is to make sure that you don't pay that cell phone bill anymore. If you keep bailing her out she will never get better. I understand that you are married and you don't want to lose her but if you don't do something it is only going to get worse. I really hope things get better for you both.


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Why are you still with her, she has a learned behavior problem and will likely drag you down with her not even considering what it is doing to you. As much as you might love her I think she is self destructive and is trying to have you shoulder some of the blame for her.

draconis


----------



## dweezledap (Feb 7, 2008)

tater03 said:


> How in the world did she file bankruptcy without you? Or was it on bill just in her name? First thing I would do is to make sure that you don't pay that cell phone bill anymore. If you keep bailing her out she will never get better. I understand that you are married and you don't want to lose her but if you don't do something it is only going to get worse. I really hope things get better for you both.


Since the sale of the house I only have one credit card and student loans in my name. I will not sign anything with my wife. (which causes more issues.)
My wife has/had around 7 credit cards, a car loan, and God knows what else in her name. I never even new about half these debts.
She thinks filing a chapter 7 bankruptcy will allow her to get a new car loan. I checked her credit rating and it is now a 375!

I don't pay her bills anymore, and have stopped helping her out of tight spots ... that is another reason she is filing and another reason she is blaming me.


----------



## dweezledap (Feb 7, 2008)

draconis said:


> Why are you still with her, she has a learned behavior problem and will likely drag you down with her not even considering what it is doing to you. As much as you might love her I think she is self destructive and is trying to have you shoulder some of the blame for her.


I keep hoping she will see the light but it is not looking that way.

I sat her down the other day and told her if she does files bankruptcy and erases her $30,000 + debt that I would have to handle all the money from now on. I showed her a budget that would allow me to quit my second job and go back to school (I only need one more year for my BA), buy health insurance, and buy her a good used car. It is a very tight budget and allows for no "extras" so she refused the idea all together.

I started looking at apartments this week.


----------



## Liza (Jan 2, 2008)

You are on the right path, if she doesn't want to move with you let her stay with her parents, you are man of the house and she should make adjustments to live on what you can afford if she does not intend to get a job. You are making the right decision.


----------



## mollyL (Dec 31, 2007)

I think I would present your new budget plan to her as a ultimatum, not a suggestion. If she wants to keep living in this totally insane way she can stay with her family. If she wants to stay with you and mend her ways, then she can come with you. I would also take over all the finances and tell her that if she runs up a large bill anywhere, that's the end. Good luck on getting your degree. Get to your doctor ASAP to have these symptoms checked out.


----------



## bhappy3 (Feb 4, 2008)

Aye yie yie... first of all, she is in the worst possible place she could be. Living where you are living is like an alcoholic living above a bar. She is completely enabled to continue the destructive path. There is absolutely no hope for her to turn her life around living with people who encourage her. Furthermore, before she could ever change her horrible habits, she would need to acknowledge that these habits are BAD. First step is to get the hell out of that house, and as far away as possible. Good luck with that, as it seems she's happy there. And yes, what MollyL said... use that budget as an ultimatum and set a time frame... if she doesn't cut back and acknowledge there is a problem and work towards a solution within X amount of time, then you're gone, but you can only do this outside of those living arrangements. Financial problems are one of the worst possible problems in a marriage. She is going to run you into the poor house and leave your head spinning. Is this what you want for your retirement?? Move out of the house of enablers, take away the credit cards, take her name off the bank accounts, and set up the budget, i.e. ultimatum. Give it three or six months to change and if it doesn't, well, you know the rest. This is an addiction and will not just go away without serious serious intervention. 

Best of luck to you, this is a sad situation.


----------



## sarahdale24 (Feb 3, 2008)

Ok, this may sound harsh, but if I put myself in that position the only thing I would be filing would be divorce. I would rather live on the streets begging for food than to be with a woman like that. WHere is the respect for marriage vows anymore. Im sorry but your wife makes me ANGRY!!!


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

dweezledap said:


> I keep hoping she will see the light but it is not looking that way.
> 
> I sat her down the other day and told her if she does files bankruptcy and erases her $30,000 + debt that I would have to handle all the money from now on. I showed her a budget that would allow me to quit my second job and go back to school (I only need one more year for my BA), buy health insurance, and buy her a good used car. It is a very tight budget and allows for no "extras" so she refused the idea all together.
> 
> I started looking at apartments this week.


It sounds like you might be better on your own, either way I wish you the best of luck.

draconis


----------



## countrywoman (Feb 14, 2008)

I think you can do better than that. but i want to know do the two of you have children together. I know mentioned step-children. I just posted my story my husband left me on valentines day. All I wanted from him was love and I couldn't even get that. This was my third marriage so I know that you can't change people no matter how much you love them. Good luck in whatever you decide. I hope there's more out there for us both.


----------



## Green-Moo (Feb 5, 2008)

If she's done something as serious as bankrupcy without consulting you, then I think your marriage is doomed. I'm sorry, that's probably not what you want to hear. But if someone is so self absorbed that they cannot appreciate the enormity of keeping something this serious from their spouse then I can't imagine an alternative.

Green-Moo


----------



## dweezledap (Feb 7, 2008)

countrywoman said:


> I think you can do better than that. but i want to know do the two of you have children together. I know mentioned step-children. I just posted my story my husband left me on valentines day. All I wanted from him was love and I couldn't even get that. This was my third marriage so I know that you can't change people no matter how much you love them. Good luck in whatever you decide. I hope there's more out there for us both.


We have no children together. I have custody of my 10 year old son and she has her 9 year old daughter and 18 year old son. The sad thing here is my step-daughter's father is not in her life. We are very close and I consider her a daughter not a step-daughter. If we divorce I will have no legal rights to visitation and I believe that would devastate both of us. 

As with you this is my third marriage. My first wife left me when I was in the Navy (I guess she could not handle all the time I spend overseas). My second wife became addicted to crack cocaine and decided her friends and the drugs where more important than our son and I (My son and I have not seen nor heard from her in over 3 years).

I don't mean to make my wife sound like a heartless monster. Other than the issues of spending money and talking too much on the phone my wife is a very good person. She is a hard worker, very good parent (to her children and mine), and a very generous person (unfortunately she is a little too generous).

I can deal with the phone calls ... if I could just get her to realize that there have to be restrictions and budgets when it comes to spending I believe we could make this marriage work.
She was not like this in the beginning and don't understand how she became this way. In some ways it is almost like dealing with my second wife's drug addiction. I stayed and tried to help her as long as I could, but when her problems started affecting my son ... I had to leave. I'm hoping the same thing will not have to happen again.


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Have you tried to go to credit counciling together?

draconis


----------



## dweezledap (Feb 7, 2008)

draconis said:


> Have you tried to go to credit counciling together?
> 
> draconis


My wife seems to think we just need better paying jobs. (there are none around here). I don't know why she can not understand that things need to change. She does not see her spending as a problem just our income as the problem.

She does not feel we need counseling of any sort. She feels it would be airing our dirty laundry.
I hate to see how she would act if she ever saw this post.

I would hate to see this marriage fail over something I feel can be easily rectified ... but what else can I do?
(Believe it or not we actually get along pretty well. It is only when I go ballistic over spending that we get into fights and even then they are not that bad. I've learned over the years to keep my temper in check and my wife does not push me.)

I feel she is living by example. Her mother retired last year and just this week went back to work to try and "caught up" on her bills. I do not want to be in the same position her parents are in 25 years from now.
I refuse to be!
I need to think about my son. 
I am so frustrated and confused right now.
I also need to think about my daughter (step-daughter). I'm the only Father she has ever had.

When my first wife left me, while I was in the Navy, I was devastated. I not only lost her but my two oldest children. I was rarely around because of military life and my oldest two resent me for it. 
I could not handle losing another wife and another child... but at the same time I can not live like this.

I don't know what to do!


----------



## bhappy3 (Feb 4, 2008)

I totally disagree with the better paying jobs... the more you make the more you spend. Period. 

"I would hate to see this marriage fail over something I feel can be easily rectified ... "

This issue is an addiction, just like alcoholism or cocaine and no, it is not easily rectified. Very serious and strict steps need to be taken to help it.

If you and your wife separate, maybe you need to promise to be there for your step daughter or something, try to work something out. 

Think retirement.......


----------

