# Who Moved My Cheese?



## Wigley (Mar 27, 2014)

Happy Easter Everyone!

We have a small cabin on 12 acres 140 miles from our house. It had been 8 weeks since we visited last. I was fine when I arrived and was tired after 3 hour drive. He went up earlier.

I noticed items different in cabin:

Reached for paper towels to wipe up wet spot on wood floor. They were gone. Were we out? Then noticed holder and paper towels were on right hand side of sink instead of left side.

Next noticed the silverware was upside-down (handles exposed) in drain rack. We always have handles in bottom of drain rack basket. There was spatula in drain basket and egg poacher had been used. Neither were used the last time we visited.

Started looking for other changes. Found an open bottle of "Whataburger Mustard" in the frig. It was not there before and we have not used before.

In the loft, I noticed the fan was tilted to the ceiling. I do not remember the table fan being tilted. We always use it in straight position to blow on bed. The made bed looked strange.

I had the strange feeling someone had been in the cabin. There was no sign of forced entry. I asked my husband if he had been to the cabin in past 8 weeks. He said no. I asked if he let one of his sisters use it. Again he said no.

Our neighbor runs cattle on the place to keep the ag exemption and drives over daily to check cows.

My husband asked how I noticed these things? Asked if I planned to change the keys or leave items in certain way to tell if someone was there. My husband did not get excited about my observations and gave following answers:

He bought the mustard.
He put silverware in rack upside down.
He used a spatula to get eggs out of egg poacher.
He tilted fan to blow to ceiling in Feb. as it was cold. (Do not remember) doing it.

I had a hard time sleeping in bed as I felt someone had slept there. We do not have washer/Dwyer there, so could not wash sheets.

My husband has "flexible" schedule at work. He can take off anytime he wants. He has gone to cabin by himself to get away. Also has boys weekend there every so often to kick back, drink beer and shot sh*t. There was an antique show 25 miles away that we attended on Friday. His sister likes to attend this show. Do to a prior problem with his sister, I told him I did not want his sister staying at cabin. Due to his addictions, my husband has no problem using lies to cover his tracks.

He went surfing for 10 days in Central America during the 8 weeks we did not visit. 

I know there are problems with this marriage, and still trying to figure out what to do. But I do not like going to cabin and finding things have moved. I brought many of my personal possessions home.

Friends has suggested putting up game camera.

I saw a post he made where he would rather be getting up in the morning to check surf!

What book can I read to establish better boundaries?

Thoughts?


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## xayna (Apr 5, 2015)

Placing a camera may or may not show anything. It could be him who went to the cabin and lied because he was doing something he shouldn't do or it could be the sister and he lied because you didn't want her there. 

I'd say keep a close eye on him for some time and if you notice anything do not call him out on it because he'll just lie.


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

Did you ask your neighbor - the one with the cattle - if he had seen activity at the cabin day or night?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

My security system can be set to notify me every time entry doors are used, I also have cameras that allow remote viewing. It does't cost that much per month.

At the very least mention to your husband that you are interested in having one installed. His reaction will probably be that it is not necessary. Or just change the locks and "forget" to give him a key. See what happens.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I don't understand the problem. Your husband was in the cabin without you and made eggs and tilted the fan. Why is this a problem? He told you he did it when you asked about the moved items. You already know he uses the cabin without you. Don't you believe he was the one in the cabin? Do you still think it was someone else despite no signs of forced entry?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

norajane said:


> I don't understand the problem. Your husband was in the cabin without you and made eggs and tilted the fan. Why is this a problem? He told you he did it when you asked about the moved items. You already know he uses the cabin without you. Don't you believe he was the one in the cabin? Do you still think it was someone else despite no signs of forced entry?



He said he had not used it in the 8 weeks since they had last been there together. He is an addict that uses lies to cover up activity. I thought that was what she was getting at.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

...

is there a question in here? Or, are you simply looking for us to validate what you've already decided in your head.

The simple answer is your husband brought his sex-kitten up there for a bang-fest while you thought he was somewhere else.

This is really what you think, since you didn't want to sleep on the "sheets" that, in your head, another woman slept on.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

yeah, I'm rather confused. You said your husband went up earlier.. I mean, did you meet him at the Cabin or did he just go there at some point during the 8 weeks you were both away.

Also, if he first said he hadn't been there, than later admitted to doing those things, did you ask him when he did it?

I'm a little confused about the timeline of things here. Based on your story, it sounds to me like he just got there a few days earlier than you and did those things, but otherwise hadn't been there in 8 weeks? Am I missing something?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

kristin2349 said:


> He said he had not used it in the 8 weeks since they had last been there together. He is an addict that uses lies to cover up activity. I thought that was what she was getting at.


Except that she said he had arrived there before her. So why would it be weird that he made some food and moved the paper towels while waiting for her to get there?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

norajane said:


> Except that she said he had arrived there before her. So why would it be weird that he made some food and moved the paper towels while waiting for her to get there?



It isn't clear how long he was there, I assumed that since all of those things were red flags to the OP that it wasn't long enough to poach eggs, shop for and use mustard (assuming it wasn't for the eggs...gross) and hop in the bed for a nap.

And a quick review of other threads shows this marriage is a slow train wreck, and the OP probably won't return. 

In any case I monitor my shore home when I am not there and I got rid of my cheating load.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

kristin2349 said:


> It isn't clear how long he was there, I assumed that since all of those things were red flags to the OP that it wasn't long enough to poach eggs, shop for and use *mustard (assuming it wasn't for the eggs...gross)* and hop in the bed for a nap.
> 
> And a quick review of other threads shows this marriage is a slow train wreck, and the OP probably won't return.
> 
> In any case I monitor my shore home when I am not there and I got rid of my cheating load.


I had mustard with my eggs yesterday. And mayo. Sprinkled a little paprika on them too.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Nucking Futs said:


> I had mustard with my eggs yesterday. And mayo. Sprinkled a little paprika on them too.


This is how I eat my hard boiled eggs, but his eggs were poached. I've never eaten a poached egg with mustard and mayo on it.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

CynthiaDe said:


> This is how I eat my hard boiled eggs, but his eggs were poached. I've never eaten a poached egg with mustard and mayo on it.


Aren't boiled eggs and poached eggs pretty much the same thing, except one is boiled in the shell and one is boiled out of the shell?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

norajane said:


> Aren't boiled eggs and poached eggs pretty much the same thing, except one is boiled in the shell and one is boiled out of the shell?


I mentioned it because he might eat his poached eggs with mustard. I don't think that hard boiled eggs taste the same as poached eggs. They also have a very different texture. It would be unlikely that he would eat them with mustard.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> This is how I eat my hard boiled eggs, but his eggs were poached. *I've never eaten a poached egg with mustard and mayo on it.*


I've never eaten a poached egg at all, but I do enjoy the occasional deviled egg.


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## Wigley (Mar 27, 2014)

JukeboxHero said:


> yeah, I'm rather confused. You said your husband went up earlier.. I mean, did you meet him at the Cabin or did he just go there at some point during the 8 weeks you were both away.
> 
> I'm a little confused about the timeline of things here. Based on your story, it sounds to me like he just got there a few days earlier than you and did those things, but otherwise hadn't been there ?


Let me clarify timeline. My husband got off work at 12:30 on Thursday. The truck was packed by 2:30. He asked if he should wait, but I told him to go ahead as he would have been impatient if he got caught in city traffic that took me an hour to cross the city. He said traffic was not congested and he crossed city in 30 minutes. I did not get off work until 3:00 and still had a couple errands to do. I left town at 4:15 pm on Thursday, so arrived about 1.5 hours later after he arrived at cabin. During this time he was weed wacking as the grass was knee high. 

This small window was not enough time to go shopping, take a nap or cook poached eggs in the afternoon. When I noticed the fan, he said he had not been in loft since he arrived.

It was good I had my car as we had a dog emergency and had to drive to vet in the dark where we had never been to the office. At this point, he had drank too much beer to drive safely!

I really thought his sister had been there, but at Easter dinner she said she did not go to the antique show.

We do not have a security system as we did not put in phone line or internet. It may be time to take on that expense to give me peace of mind. At this point, will not ask anymore questions. May mention at MC on Sat. April 11.

BTW, I did ask a question at the bottom of my post:

Can anyone suggest any good books on boundaries in a marriage?

Thanks for reading.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

Wigley said:


> Can anyone suggest any good books on boundaries in a marriage?


I'm a few watts short of a 5 watt nightlight, but I'm thinking perhaps not being married to an addict might be a good place to start.


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