# Trial separation



## Gary Cummins (Sep 12, 2017)

Hey everyone,
So this is a doozy as I'm sure most cases are for ppl in these situations. I want to give you as much detail as possible from both sides as to get some good insight. Hopefully you don't find it too long and you can share your thoughts.

So my wife and I met 5 1/2 years ago online.
Things were a bit slow to start off as I was being cautious after not having a really successful dating life due to me being depressed and inward.
I am from another country and was in search of a person I could love.
When we decided to be exclusive we moved a bit faster. After 6 months we decided to travel Asia for 4 months So after about 10 months we moved in together to save. It was exciting and we loved each other a lot. It had a few tough moments. She is very self aware and open and I'm the opposite. It took her a while to crack me but it felt good.

I liked to drink and get black out and came home a few times and was not cool. Not physical but verbal saying she was trying to control me. That wasn't the case as I know she was only caring about me and wanted me to be safe.
So then before out trip she wanted to sponsor me and I wanted to propose to her at the end of the trip as I would know if we could survive an intense 4 month travel adventure together we would be solid.
One thing sped that up though. I had a record from another country and never declared it, so an immigration lawyer said we should get married to help our app.

This stressed us out as our hand was being played for us. We wanted to get married on out own terms. But we went ahead and did it and it was a great day and our trip became our honeymoon which was a great success.
Some things happened on our trip and my wife developed severe anxiety. It did affect out travels but I was there for her as best I could. Then we came home.
I went back to work and she started her own business. It was tough at the beginning but she became very successful and still is. I'm so proud of her. The anxiety though was a problem. We were very lucky to then buy a house. It's amazing. She went on an ssri to deal with the anxiety. It was tough on our sex life as she had no feeling.
I was supportive and helped her the best I could. 

Last year I started a new job. I work in construction. My hours became insane. I became miserable. We got life insurance for the house and the doctor told my wife that she was border line diabetic. It really freaked her out. She wasn't morbidly obese but had a few pounds on. I'm even guilty of that.
She started changing her diet and working out like crazy and lost over 50lbs.
I was so proud of her. She looks amazing but I was so over worked and stressed I didnt give her the attention she needed. I got lost in my photography and running while she was changing her image, dying her hair and growing her business meeting ppl al the time.

She started getting attention off other men and made an emotional connection with a man. She was totally open about it and told me. She was still on the meds and dealing with her anxiety that I didn't lose it. I let it go and told her not to worry. 
She appreciated it at first but then was upset that I didn't get mad and felt that I didn't care.
It wasn't true. I did care but I trusted her and didn't feel threatened by him but it has played a big part in what has happened since. Nothing physical happened and I believe her.

I got more stressed about work, she got more attention and I was blind to the disconnection.She came off her meds then about 6 months ago so tells me she wants to take a break and try having an open relationship. She had grown a connection with her old boss and had feelings for him.
I was in total shock. I was so hurt and confused. It was so hard. I started going to therapy and have since gone down the route of self exploration and awareness. It's incredible. I tend to get angry but I know anger is only a reaction to deal with a feeling I don't like.

We split for about a month but I wouldn't let up. I kept at her and she realized she did not want anything to do with her old boss. It was a fantasy she made during a time of crisis. We mended a bit in June and we were doing great till about 2 weeks ago.
She told me again that she had been flirting with a guy by texting and she feels so guilty about it and wants space again to see what she really wants going forward.
We are about to split for 10 weeks. We are seeing a therapist and considering seeing him during the separation.
I feel that with all the change we went through and her changes she craves the attention she didn't get as a teen and young adult who did suffer from an eating disorder for 6 years.

It is hard as I know she's a kind person who has told me everything but I feel she is going through an identity crisis.We love each other, love spending time together, we have a great sex life after she came off the meds. She just has this voice telling her to go be free in her new body with her new successful business meeting new ppl all the time travelling to do photoshoots everywhere.

She also sees herself being with me forever and having a family and all the good things but she can't shake the other voice/feeling she has.
A part of me tells me to walk away but I also wanna stay in and exhaust every avenue to be sure whether or not we should split for good or stay together. She wants to do the same but I cant help but feel she is using the trial as a means to have a guilt free escapade and I'm the safety net if she realizes I'm what she wants.
That's remains to be seen and she knows she's taking a risk as it's been going on for a while now and she needs to seek it out and see which version of her she wants to be.
Anyway thats the jist of it. I am by no means guilt free in the scenario but I love her and it's so confusing and emotionally draining.
Thoughts???
Please and thank you!!!


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Gary Cummins said:


> She told me again that she had been flirting with a guy by texting and she feels so guilty about it and wants space again to see what she really wants going forward.
> 
> She also sees herself being with me forever and having a family and all the good things but she can't shake the other voice/feeling she has.
> 
> ...


How long will you allow her to do this to you? What do you mean by space ? Is she doing more than flirting?

This is no way to live.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Gary Cummins said:


> Hey everyone,
> So this is a doozy as I'm sure most cases are for ppl in these situations. I want to give you as much detail as possible from both sides as to get some good insight. Hopefully you don't find it too long and you can share your thoughts.
> 
> So my wife and I met 5 1/2 years ago online.
> ...


trial separation means that she wants to cheat without you being around to relieve her guilt and to test drive the other man and then have the option to come back to you later for free.

the only time I suggest separation is if divorce is imminent and you are moving on with your life.

Say no to separation and fix this or dump her and then get legal separation pending divorce and file immediately


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## Gary Cummins (Sep 12, 2017)

Malaise said:


> Gary Cummins said:
> 
> 
> > She told me again that she had been flirting with a guy by texting and she feels so guilty about it and wants space again to see what she really wants going forward.
> ...


I don't know. We are seeing our couples therapist this week and he has asked us what we expect and want from the separation. 
I have decided after realizing she is having her cake and eating it too that I'm gonna say the following. 
In a nutshell. If she has intimate relations with another man while we are apart it's over. 
I'm not being passive anymore. Enough is enough. If she can't respect or appreciate everything we have build over the last 5 1/2 years and go do something like that, well it says enough.


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## Gary Cummins (Sep 12, 2017)

I know. I called her out on it and she didn't deny it. But she claims it's not about sex. It's about the thrill of flirting and getting validation and attention off other ppl. Look I see someone who is struggling with self image and in her new body doesn't know how to handle attention and compliments. 
If she wants that life she is welcome to it as she won't stop with this destructive behaviour until she is happy with herself.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Geez,
She's cheated on you twice. She's telling you she's wanting to cheat more. How long before you figure out SHE'S A CHEATER?

Move on. Today. File. Nothing there to save.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Don't waste your money.

The whole purpose of this trial separation is for her to have sex with other men.

She probably has one already picked out.

Tell her....There will be no separation. We either work on the marriage together or we divorce.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You are not only in denial but delusional. 

Read your post and pretend it's your brother. What would you say to him?


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

Gary Cummins said:


> I got more stressed about work, she got more attention and I was blind to the disconnection.She came off her meds then about 6 months ago *so tells me she wants to take a break and try having an open relationship.* She had grown a connection with her old boss and had feelings for him.
> I was in total shock. I was so hurt and confused. It was so hard. I started going to therapy and have since gone down the route of self exploration and awareness. It's incredible. I tend to get angry but I know anger is only a reaction to deal with a feeling I don't like.
> 
> We split for about a month but I wouldn't let up. I kept at her and *she realized she did not want anything to do with her old boss.* It was a fantasy she made during a time of crisis. We mended a bit in June and we were doing great till about 2 weeks ago.
> ...


Dude this is not good. I don't know about the rest of the folks here but if my wife dropped an open relationship bombshell on me I'd be more than a little curious. That's quite a leap from wanting validation and flirting. She even identified the intended new partner for you. Think about it. "I just like flirting and attention from my new body" to ----> BAM!!! I wanna bang my boss. There are some puzzle pieces in between these two.

As to the boss was just a fantasy thing. Wow.. She freaking nut punched you and then basically said, "Oops". My guess is that the boss politely declined so she moved on to another guy.

With new guy (based on the fact that fantasy is what an affair is all about and the last one was her boss that she requested an open relationship for and had no remorse which led her to the current need to figure herself our... whew.) she's not just flirting. The content of her communication might just shock ya if you think it is.

She has been shopping for a replacement for some time now. She does not respect you as a person much less a husband and she definitely does not love you. My advice is to blow **** up personally and in your marriage because at this point you have nothing to lose. Grow through this and become a much better version of you.

And a little reading material for when you won't be sleeping..
"No More Mr Nice Guy" - Robert Glover
"the Subtle Art of Not Giving a ****" - Mark Manson (Yes, the last word is what you think)


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Gary Cummins said:


> *I know. I called her out on it and she didn't deny it. But she claims it's not about sex. It's about the thrill of flirting and getting validation and attention off other ppl.* Look I see someone who is struggling with self image and in her new body doesn't know how to handle attention and compliments.
> If she wants that life she is welcome to it as she won't stop with this destructive behaviour until she is happy with herself.


Getting the attention of other men..not people. Do not sugar coat this turd.

You married the other women in her. The fearful, insecure chubby one.

That one is gone. The true her has emerged. She does not love you anymore. She has friend zoned you.

She is on one hand being very honest and on the other a cheat and very selfish.

She simply should have said to you, "I want a divorce, I do not love you any more. She took the SSI's to tamp down these sexual feelings she was having for other men.

Once she dropped the weight, got off the anti-anxiety meds., she woke up and did not want to be in the marriage anymore.

Let her go.
............................................................
Her future:

Her weight will return and your wait for her will be long gone. Past history.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

You gave her permission to see other men. She likes seeing other men. When she says she did not sleep with them its not true. And of course its always going to be your fault that she is attracted to other men. She is telling you whatever you want to hear. Let her go dude. She is not a keeper. Get yourself tested for STDs. She will not be the first person in the world who lied to their partner and gave them a lifelong gift. Don't have children with her. You will hate your life after. Just let her go.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

She told me again that she had been flirting with a guy by texting and she feels so guilty about it and wants space again to see what she really wants going forward.

This is a true statement. Except for the guilt. And the fact it's gone beyond flirting. The 'guilt' part is camouflage .


She also sees herself being with me forever and having a family and all the good things but she can't shake the other voice/feeling she has.

This is a false statement. More camouflage. She wants you to think nothing worse than flirting is going on so you'll stay as Plan B.


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## Gary Cummins (Sep 12, 2017)

Thank you all for the advice. So last night was the end. We sat and talked for hours and got really deep into where we're headed. 
I just wanna say that my wife is not evil or malicious. I know it seems that way but if you knew her you would get it. She's just ****ed in the head lol. 
Anyway after a pretty emotional conversation I called her out on her separation terms. 
I was gonna wait till therapy tomorrow but I know it wouldn't have made a difference. 
I basically told her that her time away from the relationship is hers to do with as she pleases. 
If at the end she comes back and tells me she has had intimate relations with anyone the marriage is over. 
I'm not being a doormat/safety net anymore. 
We she went from being warm and close to freaking out saying I was trying to control what she does while we are apart. 
Thing is....I can't control anything she does. Not one thing while we are apart. But her actions do have consequences. As do mine in calling her out. 
She has had the full deck of cards all this time. Last night I took one back and she didn't like that. So we both agreed it's done. 
I'm hurting but I had to do it. What kind of person would I be just sit and wait while she goes off sexploring. Nah not me anymore for sure. There's someone better than that for me out there.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Damn dude,
You made such a good security blanket. 

She got upset and said you were trying to control her when you told her you didn't want her screwing other guys? 
Lol, yeah, that was hard to predict.

Want to know what happens when you file?
Or are you going to sit around and not file, hoping your cake-hungry wife finally gets tired of the pump and dump other men are going to do with her and wants you for a wallet?
Realize that guys are going to recognize what she is. Few will want to have a LT relationship w her. She'll be back eventually. 
If you still want her, you need to buy a fleet of shrimping boats.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Gary...today sucks....tomorrow may even suck...but i promise you that there will be a day shortly when it will suck less, followed by a day that will suck even lesser. in the end the only think we have to hold on too is our life, our dignity and our conscious...those should never be compromised.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yes, making up your mind and moving forward will bring the good days on faster. 
Lots of men let their cheating wives booger up their lives for years before actually divorcing them and moving on. Yes u made the right decision, no doubt. So sorry you had to make it, knowing how much it hurts you to do it.

It will get better. Give it some time.
Stick with your decision. Save yourself some pain.

Btw, the anger she showed, tells me she already has a penis selected.


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