# Marriage Help Please!



## steve101 (May 27, 2012)

Hello to all I am a loving husband to my beautiful Wife and 3 young lovely children. The last 8 months has been rough. My Wife wanted her own room so basically I sleep on the floor in my daughters room. We haven't slept together for around 7-8 months. It is killing me everyday as to what is going on. I have been a bit persistent and yes maybe at it allot as to what can be done. Well just the other day I managed to get some information from my Wife. By the way we have been married for 8 years. She has never told anyone this. At the age of 6years, 11years and 18 years someone had touched her where they shouldn't of. It was hard for my Wife to tell me this and as she is telling me this she is telling me don't ask anything please. I just listened to what she had to say. I did ask one thing was it the same person for those times. She said no it was 2 different people and don't ask me anymore please. I told her I feel so proud that you told me this.You have done nothing wrong you are beautiful. Thank you. I left it at that. I am in so much need for my Wife and I to be close again and I don't just mean intimate it is more to do with just holding each other and being close to one another. I am the kind of person that doesn't like to leave things the way they are and think they will sort themselves out because they normally don't. It is very hard to talk to her as she feels I am been pushy. She did tell me a couple of months ago that she saw me as a best friend. Just in the last few days it has come down to some conversation about all this and I have told her that I want what we had back. She tells me I am happy to be with you and kids in the same house. The kids will see there Mum and Dad together. I told her that yeah children aren't silly. I am sleeping on the floor in my daughters room we talk but never touch or show any feeling towards each other. What are we showing our children. Another days o by and I leave it then another and I ask her can we please fix this. She answers I can stay like this the kids see us together what do you want from me. I told her I miss her and just being able to be close to her.
Another day passes and we talk something small. She basically tells me that her feeling for sex has gone she don't like the feeling. I had to ask repeatedly and she told me that for a while now that she didn't like me doing something. I worked it out that for a year or 2 that when we were intimate, I must have been touching her in a way that made her feel no good and brought up the past. I WISH she had told me about this and not let it go on for this long. Is the damage done and cant be repaired I hope not. Also another thin that she barely managed to tell me. She always says I don't want to say as you will et upset. I tell her its ok we need to talk about this. She said that the last time just before we were going to have sex that I let one go.You know what I mean (flatulence). I didn't think much of it as we are close and I feel comfortable with her. We both pass wind in front of each other daily. But not before sexual activity. So my Wife said after that she feels ooohhh. It has really put her off. How the hell do I fix this. I love my Wife so much and children. I couldn't bare the thought of losing her and not being with my children daily.Going back a couple of months I took a big step and went to counselling. I have attended (5) sessions which I didn't tell my Wife about as I didn't want her to get upset. Last week though I did tell her I had been seeing someone and the look in her face was shocked, she said don't joke please. I said I am not joking so I showed her the business card. Her sigh of relief was oh. I asked her if she would attend with me next week. After a couple of minutes talk she said OK but nothing will change her feeling. So we attended the session and yes it was hard and the Psychologist basically was talking about what I would like from my Wife and of course what I can do as a husband. The session ended and basically we scheduled for 3 weeks later. I told my Wife the appointment was on a Wednesday and it would be nice if she could come with me. She said she is busy I don't have time. So I went alone. The psychologist was a bit disappointed but what can you do. You don't push someone to go with you. The other day in the car we were talking and she said what do you want from me. I said I miss you and want things back to how they were. I am here for you and want to help you that is why I am so persistent. She ended up having tears and told me Why do you want to hurt me! I told her there is no way that I would ever want to hurt you that I am just trying to help you. Also when I type all this information some of you might think that it is all over the place. Yes it might seem like that. I am trying to give as much detail as possible but it might not be in the correct order. So here I am September 2012 at 2:30am in the morning typing this information to see if anyone can please help as to what I can do. I cry on the day time and at nights a couple of times a week. I love my Wife and so desperately want to help her. I try and see it from my Wife's point that she would want to block all this bad past experiences. Please someone that has been through this let me know your story and outcome, also if there are any counselors out there that can help me with this please help. Let me know how to get my Wife the help she needs. She doesn't want to bring up the past it is to hurtful. But she really needs help and I am willing to do anything to help her and our Marriage.
Thank you so much for all that read this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Lots of stuff going on. Many women (especially abused ones) will shut off the SF once they have kids. It's like the pressure's off, and they can bury themselves in raising kids and better hide their 'flaw' (being abused). 

She likely won't want SF with you until she addresses her abuse with a therapist.

You likely won't get her to want to do something different until you are ready to walk away if she doesn't. Sorry, but it's the truth. Psychologically speaking, we take for granted what we can have and yearn for what we can't. What I'm saying is, there will come a point at which you have to tell her 'I love you but I can't be in a loveless marriage for the rest of my life; if you can't do the hard work to find out why you have shut me out, I can't do any more hard work to figure out how to please you and continue to get nothing in return.' Sorry, but you'll have to get to that point before she'll go to therapy, most likely.

That said, there are a couple things you can do that DON'T require her participation. One is to 'man up.' When men get married, they start losing their 'manhood' so to speak. They give up doing what they want, to please the wife. They stop speaking up because it causes problems. They stop telling the truth (good on you for doing so) because they get kicked out of their bedroom. I have a few books you need to read that will really really change your outlook and help a lot. Please read them in addition to your therapy. First, read His Needs Her Needs. Read it out loud with her if you can; she needs to hear it too. If she won't let you read it to her, then start telling her everything you learn in the book. It explains how BOTH partners have an obligation to make each OTHER happy and to not HURT each other. Period. Otherwise, go ahead and divorce. It's very logical and very hard to deny.

Then read No More Mr Nice Guy. It will teach you how to become a 'man' again while still loving your wife and being a good husband. You NEED this book. One of the first things you'll figure out reading it is that you should NEVER EVER have moved out of your bed. Never. SHE is the one with the problem and all you did by leaving the bed is ENABLE her dysfunction. Go to her tonight and say 'I love you and I want you to be happy, but I will NOT agree to leave my bed any longer. It's my bed, too, and I want to be in the same bed with you. I won't push for SF, but I WILL sleep in my own bed. I hope you understand but, if you don't, that's too bad. Because I'm coming back to the bed.'

If she throws a fit, that's good. You WANT her to get out of this self-imposed comfort zone she's created about herself. Maybe if she has to sleep on the floor a few weeks, she may think therapy's not such a bad thing after all. And the biggest benefit? It helps you to stop looking like a doormat for her to walk on. She will start to respect you again. And women CANNOT love a man or want SF with him if she can't respect him.

That should get you started. And remember, you can't force your wife to get help so stop looking at your situation that way. You are going to live your life the way you need to, and if she wants along for the ride, great; if not, she can get off, but you're moving forward.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

..no matter what happened to your wife in the past, not only is she refusing to get help dealing with that, she is also putting a lot of blame on you for her lack of sexual desire, blame that you do not deserve.

Turnera is right...she has to want to change herself and how she is living her life....her not doing so is strong communication to you that it is not gonna happen. You have some decisions to make about how you want your life to be. Decide, and communicate those decisions to your wife.....maybe then she will decide to take a chance at changing herself.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

btw, it's pretty common for women to stuff all this inside in their teens and 20s, even 30s and pretend they're fine. But as they age, they start to develop adult ways of thinking and doing, and start taking action, such as cutting you off from SF because it triggers her, or looking at your unhappiness as 'hurting her.' It may help you to do some reading on childhood abuse so you can get up to speed on the 'lingo' of what she's going through so that you can have meaningful conversations about this. Example, the next time you say you're not getting your needs met and she comes back with 'why are you hurting me' you can respond with something like 'this is your way of pushing me away and thinking you can protect yourself from the abuse, but it won't work and it can't last; eventually, you're going to have to address what was done to you and come to grips with it.'


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## steve101 (May 27, 2012)

Thank you for the quick reply. All the information that you provide is all valuable. The last couple of days have got worse. Ok I might be to persistent which will lead my Wife to believe I am Pushy. I am so in need to get through to her but nothing is working. Every time I mention that can we please fix this relationship and this family. She replies with I can stay like this. I tell her it is not good for our children and I miss you so much. I just want to be able to hold you and just be next to you. I told her forget the intimacy just being able to be next to you is great.Our discussion was a bit fired up yesterday and she told me I dont want to listen to this story anymore, I am sick of it. Its too much. I can live like this she says. (Again) I feel very upset my wife telling me the same thing over and over.She told me If you don't want to that is OK. It is just everything I say to her she puts the big wall up. Allot of the time I talk and it will take her around 5 minutes to answer and that is if she answers. If I ask her things which normally she is sitting in front of the computer on the internet. She will just sit in front of the computer and read the screen. I have to ask her maybe 3-4 times the same question.Then she blows up and yells at me. My 7 year old daughter on many a times have called out to her Mum and asked her something and It will take my daughter 3,4,5 goes saying Mum,Mum,Mum,Mum. I have to jump in and say your daughter is calling you and you dont respond. My wife gets frustarted and has alot of anger and tells me she talks to much and something not important. I want peaceful then my Wife says she is exactly like you talks too much and talks nothing inmportant just talk. Then my daughter gets upset and says dad mummy says I talk too much. She doesnt care about me. I tell my daughter that mummy is just tired and a little bit stressed from the business. I have to make excuses.(See we have a restaurant which my wife and staff run in the evening 6 nights a week.)Then my daughter goes on a bit cries and feels like her mum doesnt care. So then My Wife really stresses out as she can not handle the cries and carry on my daughter does. My Wife says things like I cant handle it, this crying like a baby I dont like it. I am better to live by myself peaceful. So my daughter gets very upset and says dad mummy says I am a baby she doesn't love me. I tell my daughter that mummy said she doesn't like this behavior not that she doesn't like you. My wife really cant handle this crying and carrying on my daughter does. Also my son when he cries triggers her off. He is only a year old and of course he cries as babies do. She yells at me to say cant you pick him up. She says poor boy. I tell my Wife he is fine he just wants someone to hold him all the time. So she picks him up so he stops crying. OK getting back to the Issue in this family how can I get through? Or can I? I have tried talking nice and sweet but nothing even if I get upset or angry I just cant get through. I am so upset about this and desperately want to fix it. I am very sure that she is in need of urgent help. It cant be easy to live with her past and go through day by day with this anger. It would be great to hear of someone that had a similar situation to this and what did they do.I even told her if you like I can move out and you can have some peace. Do what you like she says. I know deep down she must care or Love me I am not sure which one it is. But she does start to cry a little when I try to talk to her about things.I feel I have lost my Wife!What If I just leave it, like she says. Will it get better. No I don't think so! What about if I pack a bag and walk out and tell her I am moving out I cant stand to live here and see you like this. Would this help or could it make things allot worse.

Thank you to all of you


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

steve, would you mind going back and breaking your text into paragraphs? It's really hard to read in one block. Thanks!


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## 4understanding (Oct 23, 2011)

I wish you well in your process, my wife disclosed to me 15 months ago the same type of situation. She is refusing to deal with it or get help. She has been verbally abusive to me during this time and I finally decided to move on. I am filing for divorce next week.
I wish you luck, but you can't help her or fix her, she has to want it and want it badly to seek help. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## steve101 (May 27, 2012)

Thank you for the quick reply. All the information that you provide is all valuable. The last couple of days have got worse. Ok I might be to persistent which will lead my Wife to believe I am Pushy.

I am so in need to get through to her but nothing is working. Every time I mention that can we please fix this relationship and this family. She replies with I can stay like this. I tell her it is not good for our children and I miss you so much. I just want to be able to hold you and just be next to you. I told her forget the intimacy just being able to be next to you is great.

Our discussion was a bit fired up yesterday and she told me I dont want to listen to this story anymore, I am sick of it. Its too much. I can live like this she says. (Again) 

I feel very upset my wife telling me the same thing over and over.She told me If you don't want to that is OK. It is just everything I say to her she puts the big wall up. Allot of the time I talk and it will take her around 5 minutes to answer and that is if she answers. If I ask her things which normally she is sitting in front of the computer on the internet. She will just sit in front of the computer and read the screen. I have to ask her maybe 3-4 times the same question.

Then she blows up and yells at me. My 7 year old daughter on many a times have called out to her Mum and asked her something and It will take my daughter 3,4,5 goes saying Mum,Mum,Mum,Mum. I have to jump in and say your daughter is calling you and you dont respond. 

My wife gets frustarted and has alot of anger and tells me she talks to much and something not important. I want peaceful then my Wife says she is exactly like you talks too much and talks nothing inmportant just talk. Then my daughter gets upset and says dad mummy says I talk too much. She doesnt care about me. I tell my daughter that mummy is just tired and a little bit stressed from the business. I have to make excuses.(See we have a restaurant which my wife and staff run in the evening 6 nights a week.)

Then my daughter goes on a bit cries and feels like her mum doesnt care. So then My Wife really stresses out as she can not handle the cries and carry on my daughter does. My Wife says things like I cant handle it, this crying like a baby I dont like it. I am better to live by myself peaceful. 

So my daughter gets very upset and says dad mummy says I am a baby she doesn't love me. I tell my daughter that mummy said she doesn't like this behavior not that she doesn't like you. My wife really cant handle this crying and carrying on my daughter does. Also my son when he cries triggers her off. 

He is only a year old and of course he cries as babies do. She yells at me to say cant you pick him up. She says poor boy. I tell my Wife he is fine he just wants someone to hold him all the time. So she picks him up so he stops crying. OK getting back to the Issue in this family how can I get through? Or can I? I have tried talking nice and sweet but nothing even if I get upset or angry I just cant get through. 

I am so upset about this and desperately want to fix it. I am very sure that she is in need of urgent help. It cant be easy to live with her past and go through day by day with this anger. It would be great to hear of someone that had a similar situation to this and what did they do.I even told her if you like I can move out and you can have some peace. Do what you like she says. 

I know deep down she must care or Love me I am not sure which one it is. But she does start to cry a little when I try to talk to her about things.I feel I have lost my Wife!What If I just leave it, like she says. Will it get better. 

No I don't think so! What about if I pack a bag and walk out and tell her I am moving out I cant stand to live here and see you like this. Would this help or could it make things allot worse.

Thank you to all of you


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Personally, I would get to a lawyer, TODAY, and file for full custody and get your lawyer to draw up a case of neglect of your children. 

Your wife is sick and she needs help desperately. She will not change on her own. Her childhood has forced her to be in full-time protection mode and nothing you do will make her choose to be vulnerable, not even to save a marriage she likely really wants. 

She is clinically depressed at the very least, maybe needs even more mental help. Take the legal step to get legal protection of your children, and THEN start working on an intervention for her with her family and friends, to get her mental help.


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## 4understanding (Oct 23, 2011)

I tried many similar things, you can't help her at all. Talking about it only makes it worse. I would suggest doing the 180 for yourself and prepare to move on. She sounds like my wife, refusing to get help, had a counselor, myself and her parents tell her the same. She thinks we are the ones with the issue.
I decided its easier to let her go. We have 2 children also that I am filing for full custody of. 
I agree with tunera, protect your self legally so you can take care of you and your kids. It took me a long time and many months of crying about it, but I can only do so much, the rest is up to her. Its very sad situation, but if its anything like mine it will just keep declining until you decide enough is enough. You need to show your children their mom can't treat you the way she does, that's not healthy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## steve101 (May 27, 2012)

Thank you to everyone on here that has replied to my posting. I appreciate everything you all had to say. 

I cry myself to sleep at night and it is killing me inside to see my Wife like this and I cant do a bloody thing about it.

Even if there was such a thing as hypnosis for this,the problem again is the patient needs to be willing to do it. 

I wish that I was a bit stronger and didn't have this soft and sensitive heart. This way I could just suck it in and think everything will sort itself out. 

My Wife can try and keep hiding this and not wanting to seek help as she thinks everything is OK. I know though deep down if I leave it time will not fix this,it will just get worse. 

How do I take the step to sort this out. I am so upset and devastated it is ripping up my heart.

If anyone has had to go through this and have some steps for me to so through.
I would very much appreciate it.

Thank you Steve


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You sort it out by going to authorities. You get people who care about her aligned with you by telling them all she is doing. You ask the city authorities what's going on and ask the mental/hospital facilities people what your legal options are. And you go to a lawyer and find out what you can do.

And, in the meantime, you start becoming a 'man' - someone who LEADS his family and STOPS his wife from doing harmful things to their kids. Do you want a book to read?


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## Momman (Sep 4, 2012)

The other posters are correct. She has shut herself out and convinced herself that things can just go on as they are. She is comfortable in the house. However, the fact that she spends so much time staring at a computer, ignores her daughter and can't be bothered to go to her baby son seems to indicate a severe depression. That is something she absolutely needs to have addressed. If you cannot get her to seek help and you are tearing yourself apart trying to solve the problem when she doesn't want to help, you might have to decide to change your own life, and move on, as others have said. I never condone divorce, as it does say "for better or for worse" but if she has closed herself off from the world, she isn't really there anymore, is she? 

As a woman, I sympathize with her. I don't really need to have sex anymore. I don't have any urges to do so. However, I was never abused. This is more a hormonal issue for me. But, I do love my husband, and he still has a desire for sex, so I do provide it. I also love to spend time with him, and would never have him sleep elsewhere. 

Good luck. I wish you all the best, no matter what you decide.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I am sorry for your wife and family. 

She needs to deal with her past...it's coming out one way or another. It's better to process it then let it control you. 

Good for you for getting the help that you need. 

However, there are to many secrets in your relationship. It's good that you told her and are supportive.

She needs help and is isn't seeing how it's affecting your life. Selfish but common in these instances. 

You may have to love her but continue pursuing your emotional health in other places.


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