# Son's duties



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

So I had to go pick up my sister from my dad's house tonight. Don't know why, but something must've happened. 

When I got there, Dad wanted to talk. 
And we went into his study, and he poured some whiskey, and that was the first time we shared a drink. We talked for like 2 or 3 hours. Don't know how my sister didn't die from boredom. And I drank too much. 

Towards the end of our conversation, and me straddling the line between tipsy and drunk, Dad said the marriage to his girlfriend set. Fiancé. Sometime in October. Or November. 
And said he wants me as his best man. 
Why the hell does he still want this?

I just asked for time to think about it, and came home. 

What the hell is he thinking? We have barely exchanged words for the past couple months. 
The new wife has a son. He could do it. 
But it is nice being told I can do something that he can't. That I am what he wants instead of his perfect soon-to-be step son. 

I haven't told anyone about it yet. My mom still treats me like the unwanted step child. Or it feels like it. I could probably not tell her and she would never know. 
My sister might know something is up because she asked about it on the drive home, but I didn't say anything. And she was always daddy's little girl. 

But what is the ring thing to do here? 
My mother has refused to reach out for so long. At least he tried. 
But he is the reason it happened. What is right in this situation?


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

You do what you feel is right. If you do not support this marriage, then you do not accept the role of best man. You don't even have to attend the wedding if you don't want to. It is your choice.


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## JadedHusband (Aug 17, 2013)

I guess there is some context that shows why this is an issue? A lot of dads would ask their son to be a best man if they were to remarry
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

What your mom is doing to you is not fair. Talk to your sister how you feel your mother is treating you. Geez that sucks!


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

So dad decided to get you liquored up before asking you that question?


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

You are not obligated to do anything. Your parents selfishly made their decisions. Do what you need to heal.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You should only be in a wedding if you support the marriage. Heck, you should only attend a wedding if you support the marriage happening.

If you think it's wrong then, you should definitely not participate in any way as that is giving it your blessing.

If I recall your dad cheated and left your mom? I'd this the OW he's hooking up with?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Why do you believe your mom is giving you the cold shoulder?
Why do you believe your Dad want you to be his best man in this marriage with the woman you don't know and he cheated on your mom with?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The groom picks the best man. This isn't about your dad's fiance' and it's not about your mom. Your dad is presumably divorced. If the marriage between him and your mom failed, both of them share in the blame. Whether you are "best man" or not, they are still divorced. You didn't break your parents up and you can't put their marriage back together. You have an obligation to and a relationship with both your parents. I'd fulfill my obligation to both to the best of my ability and if either of them wanted to let their marriage failure influence their relationship with me, that'd be their choice. They didn't ask me before they got married. They didn't ask me before they got divorced. I'm not their marriage counselor. My relationship with my wife is between just me and my wife. Our kids love us both, which is the way life should work. Your mom is being controlling and selfish, which might explain why your dad is getting married to a different woman.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

As I recall, one of your issues earlier was that your father was 'replacing' you with the OW's son. This request, then, may still be symbolic to you that that hasn't happened. If you have moved past the feelings you had about the OW's son, however, then your question is not about that and just concerns doing this for your father because he is your father and he asked.

My reaction is to ask yourself what you really want to do. If you want to stand up for your father, then do it. If you don't want to & are driven just by obligation, then don't do it. I will tell you that I found myself in similar situations with my father when I was your age & I regret not telling him to go pound salt when he wanted me to 'rise above' just one time too many.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

SaltInWound said:


> You do what you feel is right. If you do not support this marriage, then you do not accept the role of best man. You don't even have to attend the wedding if you don't want to. It is your choice.


He told me I am expected to attend the wedding. Now I don't remember last night with the best clarity, but I suspect if I don't attend I may regret it later. 



tom67 said:


> What your mom is doing to you is not fair. Talk to your sister how you feel your mother is treating you. Geez that sucks!


Well, my sister already knows. And so does my brother. 
I asked my mother, and it just ended with her getting upset, and me getting no answers. So I just accept it as a topic my mother won't address. 



SaltInWound said:


> So dad decided to get you liquored up before asking you that question?


Yes, I guess he did. 
At least it was good alcohol.



Acabado said:


> Why do you believe your mom is giving you the cold shoulder?
> Why do you believe your Dad want you to be his best man in this marriage with the woman you don't know and he cheated on your mom with?


I do know the OW. I have seen her several times, but I haven't had a meaningful conversation with her. 

But I have no idea why he would want me to be his best man. Our relationship got very strained after several fights broke out between us. And after that it tapered off to just us tolerating each other until the move. 
After that, I just avoided talking with him unless it was absolutely necessary.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I understand if you don't want to respond... I fully understand your dad motivations, I'm more interested in why your relationship with your mom is like it is. Was is like this before sh1t hit the fun?


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> As I recall, *one of your issues earlier was that your father was 'replacing' you with the OW's son. This request, then, may still be symbolic to you that that hasn't happened.* If you have moved past the feelings you had about the OW's son, however, then your question is not about that and just concerns doing this for your father because he is your father and he asked.


Well, you're right. 

That guy had it all figured out at a young age, and was perfect. But it is nice to know that after all the things that he can do that is right in my father's eyes, that I am still his blood and that he would still pick me. 
It may not make perfect sense, but I still like that I was asked over him. 



> My reaction is to ask yourself what you really want to do. If you want to stand up for your father, then do it. If you don't want to & are driven just by obligation, then don't do it. I will tell you that I found myself in similar situations with my father when I was your age & I regret not telling him to go pound salt when he wanted me to 'rise above' just one time too many.


I was asked, because he knows I can tell him to F-off. 
But it boils down to, he asked me. 
If he wanted, he could've asked my brother, but I am willing to bet he would say no. He was a big mama's boy, and he would never do this. 
And he asked me instead of asking the OW's son. 
That tells me, or at least makes me think, that he considers me over the new step-son he'll be getting. 
I like knowing that there is something that I can do, that the other can't. 

But there are a lot of other problems in the situation.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> You have an obligation to and a relationship with both your parents.


I disagree. People do things to destroy a relationship. My stbxh behaved in the most dastardly way and went dark on both of us. An attempt by our son to at least understand why his dad would behave that way toward him resulted in finding out about the AP and her little boy. And his words were "I will be the dad to this kid I wasn't to you". And when our son's visit was over, his dad went dark on him again. I would never tell my son he is obligated to this man simply because he donated a sperm.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Acabado said:


> I understand if you don't want to respond... I fully understand your dad motivations, I'm more interested in why your relationship with your mom is like it is. Was is like this before sh1t hit the fun?


It was normal. 
When I was younger, we would bake things, and have fun. 
And as I got older, I was told to be the example for my brother. And then for my sister. 

I did the chores I was asked to do, I got good grades, I didn't do illegal things like smoke pot or drink underage, I hung out with the responsible crowd at school. 
And I would help her out when need be. I still do. My mom wasn't the one who picked up sis from dad's last night, that was me. I would take them to school if she couldn't for some reason, I would pick them up late at night from friend's houses and I still do. 

I did what she asked me to do. There was nothing out of the ordinary in our relationship. 

I did perhaps hint that she didn't go about reconciling with dad the right way. That feels like such a long time ago right now, so maybe she is still remembering it. 
I was also the first child to met the OW, and maybe she is upset about that. My sister has met her, but my brother hasn't. I doubt he will either.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It's perfectly ok for children to not support the marriage of a parent to an affair partner and to refuse to attend.

It happens all the time.

I think of anything you set yourself up for my demands from your father down the road if you give in an even attend the wedding.

Especially to the OW. 

I hope they aren't getting married in a church - it would be sad to know that a church is condoning infidelity by blessing a marriage with,the woman who was part of breaking up your parents marriage.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

You've deleted your old threads, so getting the back-story is hard. Who cheated on who? I thought you'd said it was your mom that had the affair?


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> You've deleted your old threads, so getting the back-story is hard. Who cheated on who? I thought you'd said it was your mom that had the affair?


Exactly what happened?

Without knowing we can not give good advice.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Dad cheated on my mom. And she found out, and they attempted to reconcile. Or at least, he made it seem like they did. False reconciliation the entire time. 
She found out, and then filed for divorce. 

So he asked me to try and beg her for a second chance. In hindsight, I was probably his best option. My brother would've said no, mother wouldn't listen to sister, but I was the middle one. Not a favorite of either. 
And when I may have hinted at it, and suggested certain things that I learned about on this site, it didn't end well. And that is when my mother started, or I would say stopped, caring. 
Like I just got home from a 10-hour shift when I was originally scheduled to only work 7. I would've called her, but last time I did, she said it was a good thing I had packed my dinner and to be quiet so I don't wake her up when I get home. 

So I disappointed both of them. 
And my dad and I have gotten into a few fights. And we've yelled hurtful things at each other. 

After that, nothing really happened of significance. 
I met the OW and her son several times, and the son was always perfect to my dad, and it was a raw feeling. Feeling like he was replacing me with this OW's son. He would take him out to eat, and talk so highly of him. Me? Probably forgot about me. 

And everyone told me to be the god dam MAN! I was the man of the house. I had to be a man for my mother, who was suffering from infidelity. I had to be a man for my brother so he had an example to aspire to. I had to be a man for all these other people, and at the end of the day, I just wanted to scream. I was tired of people telling me what I had to do, and no one asking me what I wanted or felt. 
I was barely ever (if at all) asked what I thought about the divorce. Or how I felt. People just assumed "Oh, he is 20, he can get over it." Or "HE is practically out of the house, it barely bothers him."
So I learned to just get by on my own I guess. I didn't bother myself with emotions or thinking about it anymore, because what is the point? No one cares. 

But my dad asking me this, does matter. Because while they may not care how uncomfortable a position I am put in, no matter what I do, someone is not going to like me for it. 

Him asking me is something that he isn't asking the OW's son. It may seem trivial or juvenile. But it shows that he still considers me before the OW's son. He has brought this up in the past, but this is the first time he actually has a set date, and sent out the invitations and the wedding is actually going to happen. 
And he asked me. 

So there is a brief recap of it. I am sure I missed something that I'll remember tomorrow or see I left something out. But cut me some slack. 10 hour work days suck.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Broken at 20 ...I am so sorry you are going through all this at such a young age. When people get mixed up in affairs , they get focused on themselves and no one else....unfortunately they don't realize till to late usually all the damage their actions have done. I know you care about your parents and have tried to do your best by them....but it sounds like you got caught in the cross fire between their relationship. The best thing you can do is be there for each of them but let them know from now on they will have to work out any issues between themselves without involving you. I would sit each of them down separately and tell them that, you love them and you can be part of each of their lives but you don't want to be involved in the relationship between the two of them anymore. If you want to stand up for your Dad at his wedding then you should do what you feel is right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I don't get your mother's coldness towards you.

As far as your father. It seems perfectly normal for him to ask you. Yes you had your arguments and I am sure that they were nasty. One of my clients have had a similar situation with his father. The only thing diferent is that the OW (his father's new wife) has a better handle on things then either my client's mother or father, as there is so much bitterness there. The OW has been the stablili He apparently moved on. His thinking is he is creating this new life. 

This whole things stinks.

I might suggest this. You do the wedding. Be the best man. I would sit down with your old man and say I don't appreciate what you did to us and mom, we never had closure on this and I really don't know what closure will look like, but I know things will never be like they were, and I will have to accept this. 

The reality is your parents are D. You all have your issues in trying to sort this all out, you, your siblings, your mom, your father. None of this is easy to deal with nor to really accept. Turning your dad's offer down is certainly an option. It may even feel good. But I would look long term. Family members will be divided on whatever action you take. i was estranged from my father for years due to his boneheaded actions. Finally I reached out to him. Then for over 20 years my wife and I would vacation with him and my mother, every year. My brothers never made up with my father, who died last year. Am I a saint, heck no. But I would not have traded those years of reconsiling with my boneheaded dad for anything. My brothers are bitter. I understand that. I understand what my father created. But forgiveness was the way i took. I was mad, like my brothers, at my father for years. In the end it did nothing but create a wall. When I busted down that wall by forgiving him it allowed me to have peace. My dad was still a bonehead, but I learned to love him and look beyond his flaws. And after he died I had no regrets.

Your loyaties are torn. But somehow you will need to learn to navigate this. There are no solid answers. No matter what you do you will have someone upset with you. Your parents are both moving forward in their lives. You can end it with your father or you can keep your distance, or you can reach out and try to make a messy situation somewhat tolerable.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> So I had to go pick up my sister from my dad's house tonight. Don't know why, but something must've happened.
> 
> When I got there, Dad wanted to talk.
> And we went into his study, and he poured some whiskey, and that was the first time we shared a drink. We talked for like 2 or 3 hours. Don't know how my sister didn't die from boredom. And I drank too much.
> ...


Give your old man the two-fingered salute and tell him to get stuffed. You're a grown man, and if you have any degree of self-respect you'll tell dear old dad to take the ultimatum, whether explicit or implicit, and kindly insert it where the sun doesn't shine.

Also, if you're in the position that you're somewhat dependent on your father's largesse, you might as well use the current situation to remedy it because if you don't he's going to have this over your head your whole life. Trust me, I've been in that situation. It may seem like there's no way you can make it on your own but it isn't true. It's difficult, but it might be what you need right now to toughen you up. The first year that I made more than my father, it was certainly cathartic to send him a redacted copy of my earnings and tell him to ****** off.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> I don't get your mother's coldness towards you.
> 
> As far as your father. It seems perfectly normal for him to ask you. Yes you had your arguments and I am sure that they were nasty. One of my clients have had a similar situation with his father. The only thing diferent is that the OW (his father's new wife) has a better handle on things then either my client's mother or father, as there is so much bitterness there. The OW has been the stablili He apparently moved on. His thinking is he is creating this new life.
> 
> ...


Yeah, that's what he needs to do. Violate his principles to maintain a good relationship with his POS father.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Well, I have yet to bring it up to my mom. So I have no idea how she'll react, or if she would even care. 
Sometimes, I wonder, if I left for a week, would she even notice? Or care? Because she hasn't acted like she cares for the past several months. 

But no matter what I do, I will be ticking off one side of the family. 
I think I am starting to understand how the president feels...right or wrong, someone is not going to like it either way.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> Dad cheated on my mom. And she found out, and they attempted to reconcile. Or at least, he made it seem like they did. False reconciliation the entire time.
> She found out, and then filed for divorce.
> 
> So he asked me to try and beg her for a second chance. In hindsight, I was probably his best option. My brother would've said no, mother wouldn't listen to sister, but I was the middle one. Not a favorite of either.
> ...



I see him bribing you back into his life. I would not accept the offer. You have to do what is right for you.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

theroad said:


> I see him bribing you back into his life. I would not accept the offer. You have to do what is right for you.


I don't. 
What is the bribe?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I understand that you are gratified that your father has chosen you over the OM's son & that I said earlier that you should do what you feel comfortable with, but since this discussion is going on, I will give you my personal opinion:

I don't think it's appropriate for you to stand up for your father in a wedding that was borne of cheating, deception, and hurt for your mother and your family. If your parents had divorced and after a while your father remarried, being his best man would be fine. But your father lied, cheated, and lied again, hurting everyone in the process. The OW is a woman who will sleep with a married man. This is the genesis of their relationship.

So, I don't agree with the rugsweeping that is required to stand up next to your old man and give his new marriage your blessing. I don't think this is holding a grudge. It is just not adding insult to injury. I don't think there's any shame in telling your father that you love him and you will always be his son, but his new marriage is his.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

I so wish I could give you a motherly hug.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Well, just got off the phone with dad who called wanting to know if I would say yes. 
I just asked for more time. He is a little pushy. 

It seems more like, he isn't really asking me to do it. At least that's what his tone says. More like he is expecting me as a son to do it. As his son. 

Why am I the only sibling that has to be in the fvcking wedding!?! 
Why am I the one that has to make the tough decisions?


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> I understand that you are gratified that your father has chosen you over the OM's son & that I said earlier that you should do what you feel comfortable with,


I agree with the rest of your post. 

But...also there is a little more to it. 

My dad and I got in fist fights, at least three times. And we yelled horrible things at each other. We have every reason to never speak to each other. 

Yet he is still reaching out. 
Whether it is because he wants to keep some sort of relationship with at least 1 son alive (my brother won't even speak to him) or for some other reason I don't know. 

My mother, who I would say I wronged but nothing to the degree I did my dad, WON'T EVEN TALK TO ME!
A couple weeks ago, I was studying hard for an econ test. I had bought some fish from work that was on sale, and wasn't paying attention to the time, and my room is in the basement. 
Well, she doesn't bother telling me dinner is ready. A dinner I helped pay for. And sure, I didn't help fix it, but she could have at least told me! Brother and sister eat, but when I get upstairs, "Oh, we already ate. You can heat up some left overs."

That is why I feel like an unwanted step child to her! 

Maybe, if she saw my dad at least reaching out to try and do something, be it good or bad, she would see me as her son again, instead of whatever she sees me as now.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> Well, I have yet to bring it up to my mom. So I have no idea how she'll react, or if she would even care.


Let me tell you. She will be heartbroken. She got cheated, she believed herself reconciling, then got a full blown false reconciliation, she was crushed, finnaly realized she needed to be out. Her own son, while young an adult already, didn't validate her, he fought with her cheating husband, eve nohysicaly, but still got along with his wishes and offered her advice to try once again, she realized you wouldn't get, understand it ever, hence the detachment you noticed since then. She realized you were leaning towards him. 
Then STBXH run to OW again and is trying to legitimize the affair by marrying OW.
She's perfectly aware your Dad would try something like this (sanction the relationship which detroyed her), she's aware your Dad could facilitate your professional carreer and he'd put you between a rock and a hard place.


> Sometimes, I wonder, if I left for a week, would she even notice? Or care? Because she hasn't acted like she cares for the past several months.


She's not in a place to take care of his 20 years old son. That's what it is.


> But no matter what I do, I will be ticking off one side of the family.


You mom knows she lost you to him.

Why don't you sit down with her and speak your mind and let her talk too? About everything, the cheating, everyone reactions, the wedding, the future...


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

What do I do if she doesn't want to talk? She hasn't for several months. What if she won't open up now?

And you're saying, I have to choose between my mother or my father in this moment. 
How do I make that kind of decision?

EDIT:
And I'll have to choose between my brother and my sister. 
My sister told me she is wanting to go (I am pretty sure about that, that was the night dad asked me to be the best man) 
And I know my brother won't go. 

How does anyone make this kind of decision?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> *But my dad asking me this, does matter.* Because while they may not care how uncomfortable a position I am put in, no matter what I do, someone is not going to like me for it.
> 
> *Him asking me is something that he isn't asking the OW's son. *It may seem trivial or juvenile. But *it shows that he still considers me before the OW's son.* He has brought this up in the past, but this is the first time he actually has a set date, and sent out the invitations and the wedding is actually going to happen.
> *And he asked me.*


Obviously, there is a lot of emotional damage that's been done. Equally obvious, you care very, very, very much about your father's opinion of you and about having a relationship with your father, and having his love, and being in his thoughts.

Since that's the case, then it seems like turning down his request to be his best man will drive you away further from a relationship with your father, while accepting his request brings you another step closer. 

This marriage will be what his life is about from now on. You can choose to be a part of his life or not. Your father is asking you to be a part of his life, an important part.

Parents are humans and they screw up, just like everyone in the world does at one time or another. Doesn't mean they aren't your family, or that they love you less, or that you wouldn't miss them if they were gone.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> What do I do if she doesn't want to talk? She hasn't for several months. What if she won't open up now?
> 
> And you're saying, I have to choose between my mother or my father in this moment.
> How do I make that kind of decision?
> ...


You aren't choosing between anyone. You are making the choice that is right for YOU, and is best for YOU. Everyone else can make their own choices, whatever that is. What they think has nothing to do with what should be most important to you: your own well being. You aren't responsible for anyone else's thoughts and feelings, just your own.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your mother is no doubt devastated by your fathers betrayal. He lied to her, her betrayed her trust and love, he dumped her and threw her aside , out of his life and cheated on her.

I imagine the poor woman's soul is scarred for life by him.

So if she seems off, it's because she is very off. Literally part of her left her and moved onto someone else, abandoning her forever.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

It is not about making people happy. Because each family member has their own agenda.

You need to follow your own needs. Not knowing what you know about your family life I can only say that I would not go to your dad's wedding and watch him marry his AP.

You should be honest that the OW has no place in your life.


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## Vorlon (Sep 13, 2012)

I feel for you. As a father of two boys and two girls who luckily has not had to face what your family has I can say family is incredibly important. 

I lost my father at a young age "8", there are so many times in life I wish I had my Dad to talk things over with. That was not to be as he is no longer on this earth. My boys call me now and even if I can't fix there issues they still feel better afterward. Your relationship with your Dad has to be something you can both feel good about but that is no guarantee it will be smooth. Your both human and you both will make mistakes. 

Your Mom and Dad obviously had issues that you and your siblings are not privy too. There issues have impacted you yes but they are not your issues to try and fix or take responsibility for. IMO You need to deal with your relationship with your father and mother separately. You can not please everybody all the time. 

I would also suggest that you mother is probably suffering from depression. She needs help. Its incredibly difficult to be in your position and not take her behaviors personally. My own mother retreated into her shell for a long time after my dad died. It wasn't my fault or my responsibility. Your mother and fathers behaviors are not your fault or your responsibility either. 

IMHO I would stand up for you father at his wedding. He came to you. He chose you. He wants to have a relationship with you. That is so much more than many children have an opportunity to have. 

I don;t envy you and your situation. It is not going to be easy what ever you choose to do. SO don't expect life to be easy. It is full of hard choices in which you can not make everybody happy. Do what is right for you now and in the future. Good Luck.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

My oldest brother died in 1994 from Agent Orange from his service in Vietnam. 4 months prior to his death (which was unexpected) he got mad at my parents, got drunk and cursed them out for two hours, telling them he never wants to see them again. All because of a lie my youngest brother told. 4 months later he died and he got what he asked for, he never saw our parents again. 

During the 80's I shut off my parents from my life. They did stupid things and I just felt it best to move on. My second oldest brother did the same thing years prior to me. 

In 1991 i reached out to my dad. Mended the fence so to speak. It was really all on him, what he did, what he said. I forgave him. Then for the rest of his life we had a decent relationship. My parents stayed together but prior to this time they had a horrible marriage.

Navigating this is not easy. Yea you can give your dad the two finger salute. The reality is that even though he screwed up big time, he is moving forward with his life. Poor choice, hel* yes it is. So you feel like you are dam*ed if you do and dam*ed if you don't. 

No matter what you do, he will forever be your father. 

It would be easy if your mother's behavior towards you were different. 

I would try to look years down the road and make my decision on that.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm very surprised by the number if folks here guilt tripping him into standing up at the wedding. The father isn't dying here, he isn't going away forever. All that he is doing is getting married to the posow as a way of legitimizing his affair and relationship with her. He's making an honest woman out of a wh$re.


I was raised to believe that when you stood up at a wedding YOU are both endorsing and pledging to support the marriage till death do them part.

The only way I'd stand up at the wedding is if I honestly did support the marriage, if I honestly think its good they are getting married, and if I was prepared during the marriage to help them thrive.

The father here is getting married to the OW, which would make me less than endorsing and supportive of the marriage.

The father has literally been engaged in a long affair which ended his marriage and has left the mother heartbroken and depressed. To e going to the wedding is endorsing the affair, and validating and blessing the fathers actions and choices.

It is also as his son, welcoming the OW into your family as a full family member.

Is the OP agreeing that the marriage is morally ok? Is the OP welcoming the OW into his family? Is the OP now approving of his fathers affair?


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> My oldest brother died in 1994 from Agent Orange from his service in Vietnam. 4 months prior to his death (which was unexpected) he got mad at my parents, got drunk and cursed them out for two hours, telling them he never wants to see them again. All because of a lie my youngest brother told. 4 months later he died and he got what he asked for, he never saw our parents again.
> 
> During the 80's I shut off my parents from my life. They did stupid things and I just felt it best to move on. My second oldest brother did the same thing years prior to me.
> 
> ...


You make it sound as if there are no good choices when there definitely is a better choice. As he says, either way he's going to piss someone off. If he does, it'll hurt and piss of his mother because he's tacitly validating his father's behavior. If he doesn't, he'll piss of his dad, which admittedly could have financial ramifications. The difference? The latter is the right thing to do. The just thing. The _moral_ thing. The latter makes him a man, and the other a spineless coward. He, like his father, is physically a grown man. However, his father, POS that he is, decided to act like a spoiled child and destroy his marriage and, worse still, is basically demanding that his son co-sign on his bullsh!t by standing up for him at the wedding.

Since it seems that everyone else in the family (other than mum) is perfectly happy to let this unfold, it's more incumbent than ever on him to not participate, so that his father and every other concerned party understand that the behavior that led up to this is not okay. And this blood-is-thicker rubbish is just a sh!tty excuse to shirk demanding accountability of our loved ones because some of us seem to pathologically incapable of rocking the boat. 

Broken, just because some self-centered jerk contributed a stray shot of sperm 20 years ago does not give him any more importance in your life than you consent to allow him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He is still your father. Yes he messed up with his affair but your mother seems intent on messing up her relationship with you. 

Be his best man.

And don't drive drunk again, OK? Especially if you are looking after your sister.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

This is the hardest decision I have ever had to make. 

And you guys can't even come to consensus. At least when some BS comes here, there is some form of consensus. Yes, there is always those that believe in the best of people and like to think that the WS can become a good person, but there is usually a universal opinion. 

Here, you guys are split down the middle. Or it feels like that at least. 
And I am no closer to a decision either. 

I feel like I am stuck in a situation where there is no right action. There is no right answer here. 
And don't bring up any 'Do what you think you should do,' or crap like that. 
It's like in college when people tell you to "Follow your heart, and the money will follow."
That's a lie, and we all know it. 

If I am the best man, I will be disowned by my mother's side of the family. And my brother will probably want to kill me. 
If I refuse, my father will probably replace me as a son with the OW's son. And his side of the family will likely also disown me. And who knows how my sister will react. 

What is the right thing to do?
Right to my mother, right to my father, to my siblings, to my family? 
I don't care what is right to me at this point. I have gotten by thus far without either of them showing me the slightest hint of love or parental guidance. I can continue getting by without it. 



MattMatt said:


> He is still your father. Yes he messed up with his affair but your mother seems intent on messing up her relationship with you.
> 
> Be his best man.
> 
> ...


I may be a heavy weight, able to out drink two of my friends at once, but I am NOT stupid. My sister got some night-driving experience that night. 
And she has been giving me crap for my drinking, saying I am drinking too much and that I am a different person when I drink.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Somehow it doesn't seem appropriate to me to ask a son to be best man at his father's second marriage - particularly if the new bride was the reason for the break up of the first marriage...

If things are rocky between you and your mother, OP, I don't think being best man at your father's re-marriage is going to help that much...

I'm sorry that you've been placed in this position. Adult children should never have their loyalties tested by their divorced parents - particularly when relations between them are already strained.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> This is the hardest decision I have ever had to make.
> 
> And you guys can't even come to consensus. At least when some BS comes here, there is some form of consensus. Yes, there is always those that believe in the best of people and like to think that the WS can become a good person, but there is usually a universal opinion.
> 
> ...


I worry about you.  See? I am your long lost older brother who lives on the other side of the Atlantic!:smthumbup:


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> He is still your father. Yes he messed up with his affair but your mother seems intent on messing up her relationship with you.
> 
> Be his best man.
> 
> ...


It is one thing that the marriage ended in divorce.

Their marriage ended because of the affair with the other woman.

I would not support that marriage. To be a best man gives ones public display of support for that marriage.

If I was in this son's place I would never accept the OW in my life. And would not support this affairriage.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

theroad said:


> It is one thing that the marriage ended in divorce.
> 
> Their marriage ended because of the affair with the other woman.
> 
> ...


The sad thing is that the OP's mother has the potential to become demonized here. She won't react well at all to her son being best man at her ex's marriage to the OW, and it's my guess that the father might use her emotional state to alienate their adult children from her. Sort of "Look at her crazy behaviour, kids. Now you can understand why I had an affair!"


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

I don't want the OW coming into my life. That is not happening. 
IF I was to be the best man, not saying I will, still having to decide, but if I was, I would NEVER accept that woman as part of my life or family. 
She would be the wife of my father, and that is it to me. I wouldn't call her a step-mom, or anything like that. Simply the wife of my father, and that is where it ends. 



Cosmos said:


> The sad thing is that the OP's mother has the potential to become demonized here. She won't react well at all to her son being best man at her ex's marriage to the OW, and it's my guess that the father might use her emotional state to alienate their adult children from her. Sort of "Look at her crazy behaviour, kids. Now you can understand why I had an affair!"


I doubt that would work in this situation. 

My brother, is mommy's little baby, and she is open with him. I don't see him changing. 

I tried talking with him to figure out how mom is feeling, but he is evasive whenever I talk to him. 
But I don't see him ever buying anything my dad says. When I told him about dad's wedding, he told me he was going to be busy that night. 

As for my sister, I don't know. 
She is still close with dad, and actually talks to him. As for her relationship with mom, I don't honestly know. I have been too busy trying to figure out what to do in my situation to worry about hers. 
But she is also more open with me than my brother is. Has come to talk to me or ask me something. 
She also still had daddy giving her love. 

I was the only child that was left out in the cold. 

Let me rephrase that:
I was told to man up and left out in the cold.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> I'm very surprised by the number if folks here guilt tripping him into standing up at the wedding. The father isn't dying here, he isn't going away forever. All that he is doing is getting married to the posow as a way of legitimizing his affair and relationship with her. He's making an honest woman out of a wh$re.
> 
> 
> I was raised to believe that when you stood up at a wedding YOU are both endorsing and pledging to support the marriage till death do them part.
> ...


:iagree::iagree:

I remember your story. Your dad is the one who caused the rift in your family, completely. Not only did he cheat, but he also asked YOU to be a go-between with your mother, which is a horrible thing to do to a son, even one 20 years old.

So your mom isn't being nice to you anymore, because she thinks you've taken his side.

Now your dad is turning the knife in her heart even more by MARRYING the woman who he cheated with, and to top it all off, he wants YOU to be the best man???

Oh, and I remember from your thread that you guys slugged each other too.

Dad of the year!!!!!!

Not only would I tell my dad no, I would tell him he has SOME NERVE putting me between him and my mom AGAIN.

Frankly, your dad sounds like a rotten apple to me. It's unfathomable he would ask you to do this. It's insulting. It's gross. It's child abuse.

He even has manipulated your emotions to want to please him.

I think the decision is clear. But it's not my life.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> I don't want the OW coming into my life. That is not happening.
> IF I was to be the best man, not saying I will, still having to decide, but if I was, I would NEVER accept that woman as part of my life or family.
> She would be the wife of my father, and that is it to me. I wouldn't call her a step-mom, or anything like that. Simply the wife of my father, and that is where it ends.


By participating in the ceremony isn't that what you will ultimately be portraying the opposite?
Not saying you shouldn't be your fathers best man but the action of being the best man would be a show of support the marriage.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> I don't want the OW coming into my life. That is not happening.
> IF I was to be the best man, not saying I will, still having to decide, but if I was, I would NEVER accept that woman as part of my life or family.
> She would be the wife of my father, and that is it to me. I wouldn't call her a step-mom, or anything like that. Simply the wife of my father, and that is where it ends.
> 
> ...


It's really sad that you've been placed in this situation, OP, and it's unfair that you should have been made to feel that you were left out in the cold as you feel you have been. It's not uncommon for adult children to somehow get sucked in when parents divorce, and for ill-feeling to arise between siblings. That's something that needs working on, IMO, as also the rift between you and your mother. Have you told her how you feel?

Again, I don't think your father is playing fair by asking you to be his best man and, in the interests of healing your relationship with your mother I would refuse to do so.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

What do you want to do? You're at a crossroad, pick your needs first.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw what I see from your dad is that he likes to use you. He's got your number and demands you do dirty jobs for him.

He doesn't do this because he respects you. He does it because he knows you'll cave and do it.

Sorry, but you are an age where some guys have a kid or two already. You are old enough to standup for what you believe to be right and wrong.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Went out with a buddy tonight, just got back. 
Went to a bar, drank way too much, didn't pay attention to the girls, and they actually noticed me for the first time. Had one come up and talk to me. Told her I didn't want to talk, and she then wanted to talk. WTF? I don't speak in tongues. 

Buddy asked me what I wanted to do. I don't know anymore. 
I don't want to answer the question. I don't know what I should do. I am stuck at a fork in the road with no option but to go forward, and I milking it every bit I can. 
I don't know which way to go. 

He wants an answer by Saturday. 
Is there anyway I can be the best man without upsetting my mother? Without accepting the OW into my life. I refuse to refer to that woman as anything other than my father;s wife, but I don't want her son to be the best man. 
Is there any right option in all of this?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> Went out with a buddy tonight, just got back.
> Went to a bar, drank way too much, didn't pay attention to the girls, and they actually noticed me for the first time. Had one come up and talk to me. Told her I didn't want to talk, and she then wanted to talk. WTF? I don't speak in tongues.
> 
> Buddy asked me what I wanted to do. I don't know anymore.
> ...


I would tell him no. Suks either way.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> He wants an answer by Saturday.
> Is there anyway I can be the best man without upsetting my mother? Without accepting the OW into my life. I refuse to refer to that woman as anything other than my father;s wife, but I don't want her son to be the best man.
> Is there any right option in all of this?


In my opinion, No. By being best man at your father's marriage to the OW, your mother (rightly or wrongly) will take it as your acceptance of the OW and will feel betrayed yet again.

I wouldn't worry about upsetting your father, though, OP. He's caused this mess and he should NEVER have put you on the spot like this. IMO, your father has to know the effect you being best man at his marriage to the OW will have on your mother - and your relationship with her...


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> In my opinion, No. By being best man at your father's marriage to the OW, your mother (rightly or wrongly) will take it as your acceptance of the OW and will feel betrayed yet again.
> 
> I wouldn't worry about upsetting your father, though, OP. He's caused this mess and he should NEVER have put you on the spot like this. IMO, your father has to know the effect you being best man at his marriage to the OW will have on your mother - and your relationship with her...


Being part of OW's wedding is showing that you accept her. No if ands or buts around that.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Well, he wants an answer by Saturday. Tomorrow is Saturday. 

I was roped into doing a 10-hour shift tonight, so I haven't had a sit-down conversation about this with mom. 
And I was told to come in early tomorrow. God forbid this ever be easy. 

How do I do this? 
And what will he do if I say no? Will that turn into another slugging match? Or will he try to get the OW's son and rub it in my face about it?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Broken at 20 said:


> Well, he wants an answer by Saturday. Tomorrow is Saturday.
> 
> I was roped into doing a 10-hour shift tonight, so I haven't had a sit-down conversation about this with mom.
> And I was told to come in early tomorrow. God forbid this ever be easy.
> ...


Seriously, you are a grown man. Don't you have a feeling for the what you think is right and wrong here? Pick the side of right she stick to it.

Are you so afraid of upsetting your father that you will betray your mother and support his marriage born out of adultery and betrayal of your mother?

If it was me I'd say no, and I would tell him that I will never support the marriage to the home wrecker that destroyed my family.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Seriously, you are a grown man. Don't you have a feeling for the what you think is right and wrong here? Pick the side of right she stick to it.
> 
> Are you so afraid of upsetting your father that you will betray your mother and support his marriage born out of adultery and betrayal of your mother?
> 
> If it was me I'd say no, and I would tell him that I will never support the marriage to the home wrecker that destroyed my family.


I don't want the OW's to have it. 
How selfish does that sound? Because I don't care. I hate being replaced as a son. That is the most hurtful part. 
And he is reaching out. Who knows if it is out of selfishness or him actually wanting to be a father at this point. More than my mom can say. 
I called her tonight at 720, to tell her I would be having to work late. I normally work to 7. She didn't even seem to care. Told me to stay quiet because she didn't want me to wake up her. Doesn't have school tomorrow. 

I tried asking my sister if mom knew. She knows about the wedding, beyond that, I don't know. Or maybe she does know more. My sister doesn't like talking to me when I am drinking. 

I am getting down to the wire. What does one do at this point?


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

You can refer to my earlier post #14 on this thread. I gave my son a summary of your story. This is his response:

"His dad is a d!ck. He needs to tell him to go to h3ll."


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Broken at 20 said:


> I don't want the OW's to have it.
> How selfish does that sound? Because I don't care. I hate being replaced as a son. That is the most hurtful part.
> And he is reaching out. Who knows if it is out of selfishness or him actually wanting to be a father at this point. More than my mom can say.


Your mother gives you a place to live. Has your father offered that to you?


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

*[email protected]:*

Scenario:

You are 50. Your wife cheats on you, breaks up the family and leaves. She then asks your daughter to be the maid-of-honour at her wedding with the OM.

*If your daughter says yes, how would you feel / interpret that?*




*To me, it seems thus: If you say No to your father, that’s the answer you would be more at peace with (than Yes), later in life.*

If, later on, your Mom moves on with life well-adjusted, you can try reconnecting with your father, with her blessings. And then, if your father would not yield (because you say No to him now), well, that is perhaps not worth too much anyway.



Or, of course, you can take a sneaky route out (have a fake accident or something). But I don’t think that’s your style.



*What is striking me most is: young as you are, YOU seem to be the more mature one in all these *(more than your mom and dad).

But your Mom is the one that got hurt, so her pique is justifiable, and by the same coin, if you are forced to take a side, *it's nobler to take the side of the underdog.*


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Broken at 20 said:


> I don't want the OW's to have it.
> How selfish does that sound? Because I don't care.


Oh, I wish I was there with you now. You desperately need a slap upside the head.



Broken at 20 said:


> And he is reaching out.Who knows if it is out of selfishness or him actually wanting to be a father at this point.


He's not reaching out to you. He's attacking your mother again, and you're his weapon of choice.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your mom sounds broken by you fathers betrayal and tossing her aside.

Is she sleeping more? A lot even? Putting on weight? Not showing passion or interest in things that used to interest her?

You seem to be expecting her to be there for you eagerly and supportively like she was went you were younger, and you are feeling rejected because she's not like that with you now.

I understand your not wanting the OW son to have it , you feel you are loosing if he does it, so your motivated by far and spite. Dude - not good motivators to base your actions and choices on. For one thing, they leave you open to manipulation and extortion just like your father is pulling on you now.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Right now, I don't need a lecture. 

I went to the rehearsal dinner, and tried to forget most of it with alcohol, and met some extended family, and came home. Probably gave some terrible first impressions. 

I don't know what I am doing anymore. 
I tried talking to my mom about it weeks ago, and al she could say was do what your father wants. He is still you r father. 

And you guys can probably guess where it went. 

And after I got home, i started feeling sick. 
Not that sick feeling yo get from drinking too much. 
Like, a sick feeling, like, something inside me is wrong. 

I know what it is. 

What do I do with it?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Broken at 20 said:


> Right now, I don't need a lecture.
> 
> I went to the rehearsal dinner, and tried to forget most of it with alcohol, and met some extended family, and came home. Probably gave some terrible first impressions.
> 
> ...


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You make a decision, either be the best man or not, and then get through it. Parents who are all caught up in their own dramas can be selfish and sh!tty. I know this from hard experience. Get through it and move on. You may resent the h3ll out of the old man later, but so what? Your father hasn't earned anything better, in my opinion.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> What do I do with it?


Focus on something else. Seriously. Take a weekend away and go hiking, or go on Netflix binge, or get involved in a project at work, or take up weight lifting. Focus on something else so you can get some perspective. It's not as dire as you're making it out to be in your head. Life will go on.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Broken at 20 said:


> I don't know what I am doing anymore.
> I tried talking to my mom about it weeks ago, and al she could say was do what your father wants. He is still you r father.


I think your mom is at a point in this where she figures your dad is going to get what he wants in the end, so why fight it. And that is why she told you to do what he wanted. However, I disagree with what she said. Just because he is your dad, it doesn't mean he gets what he wants. Hasn't he had enough of that.....at everyone else's expense? Yes, he is your father, but he isn't acting like it. He doesn't deserve you as a son. I suggest you take some time away from interaction with your dad. When he actually does something for you that isn't disguised as a benefit for himself, then you make an effort, but right now, he is self serving. You don't need that in your life.


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## loopy lu (Oct 30, 2013)

I did not attend my father's second wedding with the OW. granted I was younger than you, but that was the only way I could convey to him how much I disapproved of the situation and that I would not support it. 

I also couldn't go because it would have broken my heart to watch. 

Do what's in your heart because you have to live with you. 

I would also suggest googling the best man tradition and it's significance. When times are tough between your dad and OW, (which is a likely scenario down the track), will you be the person that will champion the marriage and help them resolve differences. Can you play that role?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

SaltInWound said:


> I think your mom is at a point in this where she figures your dad is going to get what he wants in the end, so why fight it. And that is why she told you to do what he wanted. However, I disagree with what she said. Just because he is your dad, it doesn't mean he gets what he wants. Hasn't he had enough of that.....at everyone else's expense? Yes, he is your father, but he isn't acting like it. He doesn't deserve you as a son. I suggest you take some time away from interaction with your dad. When he actually does something for you that isn't disguised as a benefit for himself, then you make an effort, but right now, he is self serving. You don't need that in your life.


Mom also knows Dad, ILs in general, are potentially positive in OP's future carreer while she has little to nothing to offer in this regard. Maybe she also has in mind the "don't burn that bridge forever".


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

To me, it sounds like Mom is trying not to let her problems with Dad get in the way of the father-son relationship. 

OP said that his mom said, "He's *still *your father."

I think she knows and accepts that her son doesn't have to fight her battles for her with her ex. If he still wants to have a relationship with his father, a man who will always be his father, mom gets it.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

norajane said:


> To me, it sounds like Mom is trying not to let her problems with Dad get in the way of the father-son relationship.
> 
> OP said that his mom said, "He's *still *your father."
> 
> *I think she knows and accepts that her son doesn't have to fight her battles for her with her ex. If he still wants to have a relationship with his father, a man who will always be his father, mom gets it.*


The bolded part. It was exactly what caused the current aparent distance between Mom and son: the fact he acted as a intermediary, at Dad's request, trying to convince her to give him a third chance after the - marriage killer - false R was discovered, that's when their (mom -son) relationship changed, way before Dad chose to go back to OW, legitimize the relationship, get engaged...


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


>


Probably deserve that. 

Well, dad is out on his honey moon. 

I was the best man. 

As for how I felt, not that great. 
I had a friend from college come and help me get through the night.

I still remember standing up behind him though. Standing there, and seeing him smile. Like he was actually happy. My dad actually seemed happy. And said he was proud of me. 
And I was happy he was proud of me. Is that wrong? To be glad that my cheating lying dad, is proud of me as a son? Should I be ashamed of that? 

And I gave a that speech that no one told me about. Wish someone on here, or at least my dad, had warned me that the best man gives a speech at the dinner party. Had to completely B.S. my way through that. That was awkward. Also didn't help that I was probably plastered when I gave that speech. 

I felt sick after giving that speech. Maybe that was the alcohol, or the sinking feeling in my body. 
And then the OW's (guess I should start calling her my dad's new wife) kids decided to ask me and my sister to dance. Felt kinda weird to me. Her son is in his late 20's, dancing with a 15 year old...
At least the OW's daughter was close to my age. 
My sister seemed to have fun at the wedding. Which is more than I can say about myself. 
My cousin noticed I was drinking heavily, and wasn't taking it too well. She then told me to stop drinking since I was setting a bad example to my sister, and other children at the wedding. 

After hearing that, I just went to the bar, and spent all night at the bar. No one bothered me there. And I learned why the world has bartenders. They just listen to your problems, and don't tell you what did wrong, or what you should have done, they simply say what you want to hear. Or that you are doing the best you can. 

And the worst part of that night, I must have consumed enough alcohol to kill a bull elephant. I didn't have chasers or anything, I just did straight vodka. And I still remember the entire freaking night. 

I like knowing I finally got my dad to say he was proud of me. It feels a lot better than when he said I was a disappointment as a son. It was nice to know the OW's son wasn't his best man. 
But I wasn't happy at that wedding. No amount of alcohol or positive reinforcement from his side of the family could fix that. 
I feel more like I failed myself than anyone else.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> I still remember standing up behind him though. Standing there, and seeing him smile. Like he was actually happy. My dad actually seemed happy. And said he was proud of me.
> *And I was happy he was proud of me. Is that wrong?* To be glad that my cheating lying dad, is proud of me as a son? Should I be ashamed of that?


No, it's not wrong! It's human and real and honest. 

He's your father. He has been since the day you were born. And he will always be your father, your only father, even if you don't approve of his actions and choices. You don't need to be ashamed for wanting him to be proud of you.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> Probably deserve that.
> 
> Well, dad is out on his honey moon.
> 
> ...


You probably won't take it as I intend it, which is to educate you, but I'm personally disgusted that I share the same gender with you. You came here because you had a decision to make, were offered the only two conceivable choices and what they meant for you personally, and you took the easy way out because you were too much of a coward to stand up to your father and his wh0re homewrecker, and now you want to come here and whinge because you're dealing with the pain of compromising your principles, the only things that really make you a man instead of a boy. You're over 21, presuming you're in the US, since you got nice and drunk at the reception, which means you're an adult now. It's time to grow, stop looking to daddy for a pat on the head like you're still playing Little League.

You think that your father is proud of you? I've known people like him my entire life and trust me when I say he isn't; he's proud of himself, that he was able to manipulate and browbeat you into doing something that you, at least have intimated, find personally reprehensible. That's the kind of thing that fools like him get off on. I guarantee that he has lost all respect for you, that you aren't man enough to stand by your convictions. So congratulations on the first of many steps on the road to mediocrity.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

JMGrey said:


> You probably won't take it as I intend it, which is to educate you, but I'm personally disgusted that I share the same gender with you. You came here because you had a decision to make, were offered the only two conceivable choices and what they meant for you personally, *and you took the easy way out because you were too much of a coward to stand up to your father and his wh0re homewrecker,* and now you want to come here and whinge because you're dealing with the pain of compromising your principles, the only things that really make you a man instead of a boy. You're over 21, presuming you're in the US, since you got nice and drunk at the reception, which means you're an adult now. It's time to grow, stop looking to daddy for a pat on the head like you're still playing Little League.
> 
> You think that your father is proud of you? I've known people like him my entire life and trust me when I say he isn't; he's proud of himself, that he was able to manipulate and browbeat you into doing something that you, at least have intimated, find personally reprehensible. That's the kind of thing that fools like him get off on. I guarantee that he has lost all respect for you, that you aren't man enough to stand by your convictions. So congratulations on the first of many steps on the road to mediocrity.


Wow, that's really harsh. It's not his responsibility to stand up to the "wh0re homewrecker". 

He doesn't have to hate his father just because his father cheated and married his OW. His relationship with his father is between him and his father. 

And one could argue he did NOT take the easy way out. He did the hard thing and tried to be a bigger person. That's not the easy way out.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

JMGrey said:


> You think that your father is proud of you? I've known people like him my entire life and trust me when I say he isn't; he's proud of himself, that he was able to manipulate and browbeat you into doing something that you, at least have intimated, find personally reprehensible. That's the kind of thing that fools like him get off on. I guarantee that he has lost all respect for you, that you aren't man enough to stand by your convictions. So congratulations on the first of many steps on the road to mediocrity.


You are right. He manipulated his son. He told him exactly what he knew his son wanted to hear. That is the way manipulators work. They want something from you and they suck you in with what they know you want to hear. He needed for his son to be best man so that he could make a good showing for the wedding. HIS wedding. That jerk could have told his son he was proud of him any other day of the year......or his lifetime.....but he chose HIS day.....a day he knew represented the slimeball he really is. He should have been saying he was proud of his son EVERYDAY. His dad was happy? Oh, yes he was. Happy that he got what he wanted. 

Broken, I suggest you make no attempt at communication with your "dad" and see how long it takes him to contact you. And when he does, pay attention to why......what does he want from you. You will see a pattern.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

norajane said:


> Wow, that's really harsh. It's not his responsibility to stand up to the "wh0re homewrecker".


Sure, it is. It's called being honorable. If one accepts that infidelity is wrong, and I have to assume that includes most posters here, and the OP based on his two threads, then it's their duty to let the offending party know that it's not okay, and that you're certainly not going to support a cheater when they decide to legally play house with their AP.



norajane said:


> He doesn't have to hate his father just because his father cheated and married his OW. His relationship with his father is between him and his father.


There's nothing hateful is depriving anyone of your company because you don't agree with the morality of their actions. When dealing with adults in free society, that's really the only method of correction available to us. And if the matter was between himself and his father, then *why did he start his threads, and why is he moaning about it after he prostituted himself?*. Which he did because, as he inferred in his original thread, he's dependent on his father's good will financially.



norajane said:


> And one could argue he did NOT take the easy way out. He did the hard thing and tried to be a bigger person. That's not the easy way out.


First, there's nothing big about going with the flow. The "you do you" philosophy is why secular Western society is in the toilet, because everyone is learning concurrently to do whatever they want, and to not foster any kind of consequences for unacceptable behavior. And he didn't do it to be magnanimous, he did because he was afraid that daddy would cut him off if he wasn't compliant. Clearly, other than his mother, no one cared enough or was principled enough to hit this slimy berk where it would hurt, probably because they're all reliant on daddy's dime. It's disgusting and unjustifiable.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

JMGrey said:


> There's nothing hateful is depriving anyone of your company because you don't agree with the morality of their actions. When dealing with adults in free society, that's really the only method of correction available to us. And if the matter was between himself and his father, then *why did he start his threads, and why is he moaning about it after he prostituted himself?*. Which he did because, as he inferred in his original thread, he's dependent on his father's good will financially.


He is struggling. He is allowed to seek help with whatever he wants, regardless of whether you approve of his actions and choices or not.

How many BS's start threads moaning about their POS WS spouses and their POS OP's, and then decided they won't divorce and want to reconcile and are then struggling with reconciliation? Do we tell them they are prostituting themselves because they can't afford a divorce? Or because they still love their WS's? And ask why are they starting threads moaning about it? No, we don't. 

This boy, and to me at my age, he is a boy, has suffered and is still suffering and is doing the best he can. He can start as many threads as he wants, and do all the things the BS's on TAM don't want him to do, because it's his life and he needs to deal with it as best he can. He is the only one who is impacted by his actions - YOU and every other BS is not in any way impacted by his actions and he does not need to be your crusader against all WS everywhere.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

JMGrey said:


> You probably won't take it as I intend it, *which is to educate you*, but I'm personally disgusted that I share the same gender with you. You came here because you had a decision to make, were offered the only two conceivable choices and what they meant for you personally, and you took the easy way out because you were too much of a coward to stand up to your father and his wh0re homewrecker, and now you want to come here and whinge because you're dealing with the pain of compromising your principles, the only things that really make you a man instead of a boy. You're over 21, presuming you're in the US, since you got nice and drunk at the reception, which means you're an adult now. It's time to grow, stop looking to daddy for a pat on the head like you're still playing Little League.
> 
> You think that your father is proud of you? I've known people like him my entire life and trust me when I say he isn't; he's proud of himself, that he was able to manipulate and browbeat you into doing something that you, at least have intimated, find personally reprehensible. That's the kind of thing that fools like him get off on. I guarantee that he has lost all respect for you, that you aren't man enough to stand by your convictions. So congratulations on the first of many steps on the road to mediocrity.


So what are you trying to teach me?

To...let me guess:
Man up?


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> So what are you trying to teach me?
> 
> To...let me guess:
> 
> Man up?


Probably not in the way you mean. I want you to realize that there is so much in the world that wants to tear you down, that wants you to compromise on the only things that mean a damn in this life: our ideals. Some people on here will tell that ideals are at best a luxury that we can't afford, and at worst a romantic notion that has no place in reality. They tell you these things out of shame for the compromises they've made in the past. You're a young man with a lot of years ahead of you, God willing. I'm being hard on you because I don't want to see yet another man, that could be example of substance and character to others, start on the road that leads them to regret and emasculation. If you want to make something of yourself in this life, and do it without relying on graft and favor, you have to teach yourself to stand by your principles, *most especially* when it is inconvenient. It's easy to be high-minded when you have nothing on the line. But a man that stands behind his ideals and his morals in the face of everything is a man that people will trust, admire, and whose company will be sought after.

Your father is not one of those men. You know that, else you wouldn't have agonized over the choice as much as you did. You failed this time, and your actions during the reception show me that you know that even if you don't want to admit it. The way to turn that failure into a success is to come to the realization that you don't need the love or approval of lesser men, your father or anyone else, to be happy or to feel good about yourself.


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## TheHappyGuy (Aug 27, 2012)

JMGrey said:


> You probably won't take it as I intend it, which is to educate you, but I'm personally disgusted that I share the same gender with you. You came here because you had a decision to make, were offered the only two conceivable choices and what they meant for you personally, and you took the easy way out because you were too much of a coward to stand up to your father and his *wh0re homewrecker*, and now you want to come here and whinge because you're dealing with the pain of compromising your principles, the only things that really make you a man instead of a boy. You're over 21, presuming you're in the US, since you got nice and drunk at the reception, which means you're an adult now. It's time to grow, stop looking to daddy for a pat on the head like you're still playing Little League.



I know it's an old thread but I just read through it and can't help feeling yet again disgusted by the misogyny that comes to light so many times in this forum. 

Why is she the homewrecker wh0re? The dad broke up the family, not his GF about who we don't know anything. So the dad is the c*@t that's to blame here but many posters on this forum would agree that the entire blame lies with the woman.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TheHappyGuy said:


> I know it's an old thread but I just read through it and can't help feeling yet again disgusted by the misogyny that comes to light so many times in this forum.
> 
> Why is she the homewrecker wh0re? The dad broke up the family, not his GF about who we don't know anything. So the dad is the c*@t that's to blame here but many posters on this forum would agree that the entire blame lies with the woman.


Thank you for that intervention. 

Meanwhile, Broken at 20 is still suffering because of the actions of his father and his mother.

Do you have any specific advice that you can offer him?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Your dad offered a olive branch. It may not and probably will not be offered again if you decline. Does a strained relationship between you and both parents sound better than just one strained relationship with one parent?


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Yeswecan said:


> Your dad offered a olive branch. It may not and probably will not be offered again if you decline. Does a strained relationship between you and both parents sound better than just one strained relationship with one parent?


He posted this last year.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

pidge70 said:


> He posted this last year.


Trying to keep up.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> Trying to keep up.


That's why it is so annoying when someone tries to wake a zombie thread :scratchhead:


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## TheHappyGuy (Aug 27, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Thank you for that intervention.
> 
> Meanwhile, Broken at 20 is still suffering because of the actions of his father and his mother.
> 
> Do you have any specific advice that you can offer him?


Lots. I don't think anyone is interested in my advice anymore at this point in time, though.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

His current situation, according to a current thread, is that he's recently fallen out with his dad and his mom has told him that his material grandparents don't want him for Thanksgiving. So neither parent will be spending Thanksgiving with him apparently.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

TheHappyGuy said:


> Why is she the homewrecker wh0re? The dad broke up the family, not his GF about who we don't know anything. So the dad is the c*@t that's to blame here but many posters on this forum would agree that the entire blame lies with the woman.


They are both to blame.

Just because she isn't married to the wife doesn't give her a pass at being a complete b**** to someone else. She knowingly contributed to her pain. That makes her a bad person, IMO. I know, "it doesn't make her a bad person". Uh huh. Good people don't hurt other people with no regard for them.

But yes, the greater burden of what happened to the family lies with the dad.


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