# Divorce or Separate?



## Bshakes (May 8, 2011)

Today I "found" "discovered" an email from my husbands EA (who is also married) that he was supposed not have communications with anymore. He has continually talked to her despite my threats of separation. Now I am so done. I have been dealing with him having inappropriate conversations and relationships for years with various women. I don't have any proof it was physical, but the multiple late night texts, romantic emails, and lies is enough for me. I feel guilty that I did not do anything sooner I feel like I have wasted 5 years of my life dealing with this. I kept trying to work out it, I set up counseling we didn't complete it, because we got busy, but honestly he was not taking it seriously. He still has email addresses that I do not have passwords to. He received a new Iphone from work and the first thing I thought was I will not be able to check his call records or text.

I am so done. Would a separation help? I have threatened him before, but never followed through. He just has not taken me seriously. I really do not want to get a divorce, but right now I feel that I need to move on with my life.


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

I think that threats after a while are not taken seriously. How many times have you threatened him? To the point where he now thinks that you're just blowing steam.

If you're pretty convinced that he's doing what you say he is, then I would at least move out and stay away for a while. 6 weeks WITHOUT communication should get him thinking if you've moved on with your life.

No email no nothing and after 6 weeks, agree to have lunch with him and see what has changed.

And if he's serious about getting back to you, then he would have stopped doing what he was doing. At this point I may even ask for proof.

However be forewarned that it can all backfire in that if he IS interested in someone else, then you could have a very long wait for him to get back to you ... if ever.

But there is a time when you have to decide that enough is enough and you're willing to accept the consequences that may come with it. You need to assure yourself that you can't go on living like this and that it's physically and mentally destroying you and that you would be better off away from it.

Good Luck in whatever you decide.


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## askwomennow (May 27, 2011)

Hi totally agree and disagree with both first post.

1. As said above, separation could be the first step to take, but be ready to accept the consequences that comes along with it.

2. What's missing at home that have lead to cheat on you time after time?

3. But there is a time when you have to decide that enough is enough and you're willing to accept the consequences that may come with it. You need to assure yourself that you can't go on living like this and that it's physically and mentally destroying you and that you would be better off away from it.

Good luck.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Kauiaguy has given you excellent advice, and I couldn't have said it better myself. You need to listen to him.

Threatening and not following through will do nothing but show him your full of you know what. It's just like threatening to take a toy from a child or to punish them in some way only to go back on it. It teaches them that you aren't really serious and they are empty threats.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bshakes (May 8, 2011)

needahug said:


> ...you say he hasnt taken the counseling seriously but you also say that you both got busy, so did both of you take it seriously?...u know your man best, how do u think we will respond to a seperation?...i am not trying to put it all on you but really think about the consequences...doing a seperation to save a marriage is a dangerous tool...unless u accept the fact that he may never come back, then do it...


To be honest we were assigned homework during our counseling sessions and I did not complete it. I hope he will take the separation as a needed break. I think there are other underlying issues that he must deal with in order for us to move forward. I have been seeing inappropriate emails, text messages, etc. for a long time. He has said he will stop several times before, I have cried and cried and cried. Now I am crying again. 

I have already made an appointment with a counselor, I know I am not perfect and I need to work on my relationship skills as well. Coming from a home where my father was a prolific cheater, he had a baby with another woman, had sex with a lady from our church, and gave my mom an STD, I have serious trust issues. My husband knows my past and how I feel about trust. I am being optimistic that if we do separate our marriage will be repaired for good.


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