# I hate cleaning....HELP!



## kl84 (Jan 26, 2012)

My husband is a neat freak and wants the house clean all the time..... well, I want it clean all the time as well, I just have.....problems.

This has been an issue of mine ever since I was a kid. I was that kid who would sit in my room ALL DAY and not lift a finger. My parents would bribe me, punish me, whatever....nothing worked. I get spurts that last a couple of weeks where I cannot clean enough. I mean I move furniture around, clean ceiling fans, baseboards, just totally go bonkers and get anal about anything being out of place. But this enthusiasm wears off and I would rather chop off all of my limbs than to clean.

It has been an issue we have battled since we moved in together. We've been living together for 6 years. It's probably the ONE THING that pisses my husband off the most and I feel TERRIBLE. 

No, my house in't in complete shambles..... but laundry doesn't get done, dishes pile up, the kids sling their toys allover the place, you get it. I am 7 months pregnant with baby #4 and have three kids at home ages 8, 4, and almost 2. My oldest son has disabilities and so i'm always going to one appointment or another for him. Plus, I am anemic, which leaves me VERY tired. But even before kids, this has been an issue of mine.

I am almost 100% positive I have ADD. For sure. I do have panic anxiety but have found a way to manage it *without meds*. I do not like the idea of taking medication. I have been to therapy in the past for other issues but I over analyze everything to the point I question the therapist's ability to help me because most of the stuff she recommended were things I had already found via google......

It's not just cleaning...... I literally go in cycles in my life. "Phases", if you will. One month I am TOTALLY into knitting and the next month I am watching every conspiracy documentary you could think of. Right now, obviously, my phase is "improving my marriage". I just have really, REALLY, broad interests and am constantly bouncing from one thing to the next, rarely finishing what I start.

This is *my* problem. It's a personal problem. I know my husband often thinks it's a direct attack on him but honestly whether he was here or not I would still battle this demon. I am just the creative, random, imaginative type. I don't LIKE being disorganized. I have spent hundreds of dollars on things to help me keep everything organized but it is all very short lived and some days I feel like just going around the house with trash bags and throwing everything away. I am not lazy. I stay busy. I do clean. It just doesn't STAY clean. I end up spending my entire day cleaning and it ends up screwed up by dinner time, just totally obliterated......and then I start thinking about how I AM SICK of spending every day of my life trying to keep my head above water in the house. 

My sister is the COMPLETE opposite. Her house is ready for the president at any given moment. It just comes naturally to her. It does *not* come natural to me. 

I do have plans that REALLY help me get things done, it's just DOING THEM that I have the problem with. I have a problem sticking to a routine, I am not a routine person. I start feeling like a prisoner to whatever routine I try to implement.

I am a SAHM. This is my JOB. I get it. And I feel terrible that I suck at it. Any ideas on what I could do? I know my marriage would improve DRASTICALLY if I could fix this one issue......it just happens to be a HUGE issue for me, an issue i've fought with my entire life......


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm a neat freak, OCD and 100% organized. I'm a CPA turned sahm if that gives you any idea of how detailed I am.

I too have 3 kids (12, 9 and 6) and guess what? I can't keep my house clean either and I'm good at it. 

My guess is you are rebelling against your husband. You can't clean to his satisfaction (newsflash nobody can) so your answer is to do nothing. Trust me I know this feeling because I went through that on my own without anyone judging me for it except me. After kid #2 I couldn't clean to the level I used to so my answer was to give up.

These days (with therapy) I've learned to lower my standards, accept that when I clean it isn't going to stay clean for long, to focus on the basics and let the rest go. This was NOT easy btw.

My attitude is I will do the best I can and my house will be clean when the kids move out.


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## kl84 (Jan 26, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I'm a neat freak, OCD and 100% organized. I'm a CPA turned sahm if that gives you any idea of how detailed I am.
> 
> I too have 3 kids (12, 9 and 6) and guess what? I can't keep my house clean either and I'm good at it.
> 
> ...


Thanks so much made me feel MUCH better. In the beginning when it was just one kid, it was tough. He has multiple disabilities and I was a bartender working late nights. I'd have his room spotless and the next morning when he woke up there would literally be poop ALLOVER HIS ROOM. Walls, toys, floor, bedding. He is autistic and this was a part of his sensory issues. I remember just sitting in there with bleach, scrubbing and crying my eyes out. He used to be MUCH harder to manage back then with his meltdowns and constant need for attention. He would bite me, bite himself, etc. But my husband never took that into consideration and I guess he assumed I used it as a copout. Sure there were many times I had NOTHING BUT TIME to clean, but at that point, after the stress I typically went through, the last thing on my mind was cleaning. 

Fast forward to today. I feel like I am constantly catering to kids. Breaking up fights, changing diapers, fixing snacks, homemade dinner every night, spending *time* with the kids..... I get in cleaning when I can but by the end of the night, when the kids are in bed and I have the opportunity to clean, i'd just rather not. Sure, it makes my day MUCH EASIER when I do get it out of the way at night....... but then it's like I NEVER have time to myself. I mean in all honesty, i'm lucky if I can take a poop without all three kids following me in the bathroom. Last night I COMMITTED myself to having "me time" on Sunday nights with the kids go to bed.......this is when I finally get the chance to paint my toes, keep up with my nails, do a GOOD shaving job on my legs and other parts (LOL i'm too tired during the week, I want in the shower and out), give myself a facial, etc. I do not go ANYWHERE. No going out to eat, have no friends, no going to movies, nothing. It's kids, constantly. We also penny pinch so I can stay home so no money for the salon or going shopping at the mall. It's stressful. My four year old is going through a SERIOUS rebellion stage. She wakes up multiple times a night and raids the fridge. This morning I woke up and found three empty juice boxes, an empty soda can, and the OJ behind our recliner. WTF?!?! So she is a HANDFUL. If I turn my back on her for one minute, she will have located a marker of some sort and been done drew a mural on the wall......

But even with all that being said, I feel like a failure. Like I said, this is my job. I feel SO GOOD when my husband can come home to a clean house, dinner waiting for him, everything is peaceful, etc...... But when that happens, I have totally neglected myself and not sat down longer than 5 minutes. So I feel like I am constantly battling.......please him with a clean house or keep my sanity? Sadly, this really is a major issue between him and I. I feel like a child when he walks in the house and says, "What did you do all day?".......WHAT DID I DO ALL DAY?!?!?! In the past I have set up the webcam to show him what I do all day and why it's so hard to stay on top of house work...... but even then, even when he sees how rough it gets around here, I am made to feel like I "just can't handle things". Like I *let* the kids get out of control, I *let* the house go to complete crap...... Then I see other women who do this effortlessly. They have kids and their house is always clean. I am SO TERRIFIED of what it will be like when baby #4 arrives. Like scared to death. She was very much unplanned, we were totally ready to stop at three. I had a FULL LOAD with three. So now I am panicking wondering how I am going to get it together, and keep it together, in preparation for her arrival. To make matters worse, we are all crammed into a three bedroom house.... a small three bedroom, like 1200 square feet. With a family of 5 and soon to be 6, this is a nightmare set-up. 

I CAN keep the house spotless..... I really can, it's possible..... but the motivation just isn't there. I would be so worn out that I would never have time for myself, or my husband, which would open up another can of worms..... it's like i'm damned if I do, damned if I don't......


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

kl84 said:


> To make matters worse, we are all crammed into a three bedroom house.... a small three bedroom, like 1200 square feet. With a family of 5 and soon to be 6, this is a nightmare set-up.


Believe it or not this is actually your biggest problem. For 16 months 5 of us lived in a 1,200 square foot apartment and it was messier than I'd ever lived. There just wasn't enough room and what resulted was total chaos. I even downsized and got rid of as much stuff as humanly possible and it still didn't work.

Now that I'm in a 2,800 square foot house it's much much easier to keep it picked up. Notice I said picked up not CLEANED. LOL


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

Can you guys afford maid service? By me the more they come the cheaper it is.


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

I so feel your pain on this one... I am the most "undomestic" domestic goddess in the world  I hate cleaning, I do it but hate every minute of it... cooking also... Every time I vacuum, I'm saying the whole time "I hate vacuuming... I'd rather scoop my eyes out with a rusty spoon than push this stupid effing thing around... blah blah blah" Same thing with doing dishes, and dusting... ugh... 

Trying to clean when you have small children is literally like shoveling in a blizzard!!! You put one toy away, they take out 3, you have them put 3 away, they take out 2 more plus the 3 they just put away... WTF???? I have 3 kids and they're teenagers now thank goodness  

Hang in there... You are not alone in this one at all...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My saying is the same. Trying to keep a house clean with 3 kids is like shoveling snow while it's still snowing. LOL


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

With 3 small children, one with disabilities and another on the way, you have your hands very full and even a well motivated cleaner would struggle.

You are also struggling for your adult time as a SAHM - you may have some issues but a lot of what you describe is pretty normal

Try 10 minute bursts in specific areas of the house say 3 times a day - and I mean literally a timed 10 minutes. You'll be amazed what you can do in 10 minutes with that sort of focus.

Not easy with your little team but try and get out plenty too - less hours at home = less dirt

A 'spotless' home is not needed - reasonably clean and tidy is all that's necessary - your husband needs to be realistic. Does he ever have the children to himself for a full day ? If not, thats what he needs for starters.


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## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

I have this problem too.... I just hate cleaning. One thing that helps me are lists. It feels so good to cross things off. 

Another thing i do is make sure i balance my time. I have today off from work, and i fully intend to enjoy it... But only for the first part of the day. in 2 hours iHAVE to get off my ass and start my chores. I just thank god i dont have any kids.... I'd go insane
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Do you know what your job is as a wife?

It's to make your husband's world a better place becuase you are a part of it.

Do you believe you were given the qualities in life to make that happen?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Funny ... 

before you said it, I was actually thinking, 'hmm ... sounds like ADD'.

I have the diagnosis, and recognize your mind-set.

For me, my environment or surroundings almost always could be thought of as a visual representation of my state of mind.

I function best, am on the ball, and can focus in a clean orderly environment.

Chaos well ... breeds chaos.

My advice? Pick one or two areas ... and make those your 'stand'. Looking at the big picture can be overwhelming. Important thing for anyone ... and especially those with attention disorders, is breaking tasks down to small chunks that can be accomplished.

The accomplishing is the important part.

In my case, I chose the kitchen and my bedroom. Hallowed ground. I keep those clean at all costs ... even when my kids show up to trash them, which they can do with extraordinary speed and efficiency.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

You have my deepest sympathy on this one!!! I was married to an extreme OCD Type A neatfreak.If there was so much as ONE fork in the sink he would lecture me.
Now that i'm on my own I realize how much stress i was under just keeping up with his standards.My home isn't a wreck but it's lived in and doesn't look like a damn museum all the time.i'm not ashamed to have company.If someone has a problem with a little dust and some doggy hair then they aren't the kind of company i want in the first place.

i don't have coping suggestions i'm sorry! lol just giving sympathy


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

i agree w/Deejo. one room at a time!

my cleaning mistake was darting from one room to the next before the previous room was complete.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> You have my deepest sympathy on this one!!! I was married to an extreme OCD Type A neatfreak.If there was so much as ONE fork in the sink he would lecture me.
> Now that i'm on my own I realize how much stress i was under just keeping up with his standards.My home isn't a wreck but it's lived in and doesn't look like a damn museum all the time.i'm not ashamed to have company.If someone has a problem with a little dust and some doggy hair then they aren't the kind of company i want in the first place.
> 
> i don't have coping suggestions i'm sorry! lol just giving sympathy


My friend just divorced an extreme OCD Type A neatfreak and she says the same thing. Even if she did clean he'd come home and redo it. Eventually she just quit because he was so critical. It's a hard way to live truly.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Illegal.Alien.Russian.Housekeeper.

Find one. That is all.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Don't be so hard on yourself honey. You really have your hands full. It must be exhausting looking after the 3 little ones and being pregnant.
Tell H your Doing your best and don't be afraid to ask him for help.
Do you have any family or friends that could help out.
How is your daily routine? It doesn't have to be rigid but it does help to have a good routine when you have lots of children and a home to run.
Set yourself little targets. Don't get too stressed out about it though. You can't do everything. Try and prioritise with your H which jobs need to be done everyday, weekly, monthly.

Oh and by the way, I'm not too bad at the cleaning, it's the Cooking I hate, I just remind my H that he didn't marry me for my cooking skills!!!
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I used to be a neatness freak before we were married.
My wife cured me of that.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

^^^^^^ was just going to add, tell your hubby he shouldn't have had 4 kids if he wanted to be a neat freak! Impossible. Homes are for living and nurturing in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LastUnicorn (Jul 10, 2012)

Is there any division of household chores? Or is it all on you? And no, taking out the trash once a week and hitting the laundry basket with a wadded up sock does NOT count. That many kids, especially one with that level of care needed is a freaking huge job all by itself. And another on the way? 

You need help, and some self care and time for yourself as well as your relationship with your hubby  can you enlist some aid from either of your families for a break from the kids? 

On the house cleaning...the all or nothing approach sounds familiar, classic signs of a perfectionist :smthumbup: I recognize this, I'm the same way. Something that will help is reading on flylady.net. Her book Sink Reflections would help with establishing routine activities. You probably already do a ton of stuff on a regular basis but a clearly outlined schedule will help keep everything from getting out of control, and help give you a sense of accomplishment and hopefully a tidier house.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> I used to be a neatness freak before we were married.
> My wife cured me of that.


My kids cured mine. 

I laugh now at my attempts in the early days with just one kid. I'd sort all the toys by type, color, size, brand, etc. These days if I can get to the kids beds I'm good.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Deejo said:


> My advice? Pick one or two areas ... and make those your 'stand'. Looking at the big picture can be overwhelming. Important thing for anyone ... and especially those with attention disorders, is breaking tasks down to small chunks that can be accomplished.


This. One way of breaking it down is to take some of the things that have a 'place' and put them there. Like books and magazines. Start in one corner. Move through the room clockwise (counterclockwise in the southern hemisphere) gathering them up and return them to one area where they belong. Likewise for mail/bills, kitchen items (if you're not in the kitchen), toys. 

You can get pretty manageable chunks this way. The hardest part is getting started. 

I think with all of the other things you have to do, keeping the house or a few rooms de-cluttered is a reasonable goal. Keeping it clean enough for company is way more work.


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

I went on a "cleaning frenzy" once... never did succeed... Finally, I posted on FB asking how people get their houses to like "model homes" because I'd been cleaning all day and all I got was exhausted, a half-assed clean house and bad B.O. :rofl:

The overwhelming answer was house keeper... sigh... I'm not getting one of those so "lived in" is what we get


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> My kids cured mine.
> 
> I laugh now at my attempts in the early days with just one kid. I'd sort all the toys by type, color, size, brand, etc. These days if I can get to the kids beds I'm good.


That's me too... I have 2 teenagers now, they have to do chores everyday but I don't fuss about their bedrooms (they're upstairs)... 

One day I went to my 13 year old daughter's room and ended up telling her that she better hope there is never a fire because the fireman will break his neck in here. She just laughed it off and said yea right nobody's going to fall and get hurt in here.... About 3 days later I hear a big crash upstairs and just started giggling. I few minutes later my daughter rounds the corner limping. How was your fall? was the only thing I could get out... Her room was clean the next day.

Hows that for a little Karma??? bahaha


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

^^^^^ love it.

We joke that a pink bomb has gone off in my girls rooms. The floors are covered in barbie crap. Can barely walk in there and even if I clean it 24 hours it will look exactly the same. I just go in there periodically to get trash and dirty clothes.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I'm just like you, OP, from your childhood description up to this very moment, except that I don't have four small children or autism to worry about. 

Housekeeping has been the one ongoing argument in my long-term relationships (except for my marriage now) because I am just plain BAD at it. I don't notice "messy" most of the time because I'm focused on other stuff.

After my first husband and I separated, I told him I felt I couldn't measure up because he was always criticizing the housekeeping and cooking I did (in addition to the full time job and childrearing). He stunned me by saying that he never really thought it was that bad!

It was still better when I was able to hire someone to come in twice a month, though. Would you be able to hire a local teen to come in maybe an hour a week for ten bucks to help you catch up laundry or do the "deeper" cleaning that can get neglected, like washing windows and dusting?

Raising children will keep you busy and your house will be messy. That's a fact of life, in my opinion, and I hope your husband is smart enough to realize that taking care of the children is more important than piled up dishes. I've come to relish what Erma Bombeck said in one of her books. I can't quote it, but it's basically that if your children are well-loved, they'll remember that a lot more than the dust bunnies under the bed. Sure, you could keep a spotless house, but if you did, what would your children be giving up?


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

im very much Newton's first law when it comes to cleaning. Need to get momentum, then its a fun game of "oh yea this too".


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## kl84 (Jan 26, 2012)

Yeah I wish we could afford a house keeper but i'm lucky right now if I can squeeze in a few bottles of nail polish and some hair dye LOL.

We live paycheck to paycheck because I choose to stay home with the kids. I know my husband would rather I find a job......but he's out of his mind, especially with #4 coming. I would literally never see my kids. I'd never have real, true quality time with them because my free time would be devoted to getting my son's medical care managed. When all of them are in school, I will find some sort of work. For right now, this is life. 

The thing is, he doesn't really "nag". He is not open emotionally. If something bothers him, he will NOT.....and I repeat, WILL NOT talk to me about it until it has pissed him off so bad that he can't hold it in any longer. He'll make little sarcastic comments like, "Busy day, huh?"..... but I can tell from his body language when something is bothering him and I know him well enough to know it's usually the house. He'll get distant. He won't really talk to me, give me the cold shoulder, etc.....he just starts getting really short with me. It makes my life hell, honestly. 

About the cleaning tactics. I found one I REALLY feel works. It's actually my miracle cleaning technique. I go in one room, like the kitchen, and put EVERYTHING (and I mean everything) on the kitchen table. This takes like 5 minutes, tops. That way, I can clean counters, sweep the floor, etc. Then, I am obligated to put the stuff away because we HAVE to have access to the kitchen table. Once everything is clean, I start putting the stuff on the table where it belongs. In the living room, everything goes on the coffee table. Bedrooms, stuff goes on the beds. So this is the best tactic I have but it's just IMPLEMENTING it that gets me. I seriously lack motivation because if I can't get it done right then and there, I just give up altogether or only clean the living room and the kitchen ends up neglected. I am always being interrupted by the kids and the minute something breaks my concentration it's like I zone out and forget everything i'm doing. Like I said, i'm pretty sure I have ADD and I know I have anxiety so my mind is already constantly shifting from one thought to the next. Add in three kids with various requests, phone ringing off the hook, neighbors CONSTANTLY coming over to borrow crap or ask my son to play, cat wants in, cat wants out, rabbit needs water, someone spilled their juice, someone crapped their pants, it's like information overload. It's totally overwhelming. I have my days where I am totally on top of it all and it just seems effortless.....but then there are days that I just sit and REFUSE to do anything.

No help. My MIL stays literally two minutes from us and can't help for s***. Oh, she stayed with us for almost two years when she was out of work, using up all of our resources, messed my only car up, and we are STILL paying her car insurance even though we live paycheck to paycheck..... but can she help out? No. But she does find a way on the weekends, when hubs is off work and I'VE GOT IT UNDER CONTROL, to come by and cook him up some dinner...... she also finds a way to fix him lunch for work. But as for helping me? Forget it.

My parents were a big help but now after 37 years my dad is leaving my mom for another woman. She's in the hospital right now for heart problems and he's so out of touch with reality I can't ask him for anything. If he does watch the kids, it's half @$$ and you can tell he'd rather not......so no option there.

My sister has no kids and her bf plays football in Canada for half the year...... but she's incredibly tired from her office job where she literally does nothing. They are closing the company next year and so she really doesn't have much work....half the time she's watching tv or messing around on the computer.....at work..... but she's tired. She comes over once in a blue moon to help out but for the most part she just stops by, eats dinner, then bounces.....

Those are my options for help. I don't have help. My husband will clean, don't get me wrong..... but only really if I have already been cleaning. If the house is in disarray because I am stressed and didn't feel like getting to it, he'll go on strike I guess to prove a point. 

I just need the motivation....and unfortunately pleasing my husband just isn't enough because I can't even please myself these days......


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

kl84 said:


> About the cleaning tactics. I found one I REALLY feel works. It's actually my miracle cleaning technique. I go in one room, like the kitchen, and put EVERYTHING (and I mean everything) on the kitchen table. This takes like 5 minutes, tops. That way, I can clean counters, sweep the floor, etc. Then, I am obligated to put the stuff away because we HAVE to have access to the kitchen table. Once everything is clean, I start putting the stuff on the table where it belongs. In the living room, everything goes on the coffee table. Bedrooms, stuff goes on the beds. So this is the best tactic I have but it's just IMPLEMENTING it that gets me. I seriously lack motivation because if I can't get it done right then and there, I just give up altogether or only clean the living room and the kitchen ends up neglected.


The EVERYTHING approach is the one my wife uses and more often than not she gives up in the middle. Then we have a bunch of stuff that's just *there*. It requires too much uninterrupted time and concentration, especially if it's been a while since the last cleaning. I really like to break it down to "what can I get done in 15 minutes?" type of tasks because 15 minutes of even the worst task is tolerable. It could just be cleaning out the medicine cabinet or sorting out the junk mail. I find it's easier to put in four fifteen minute chunks during the day than one solid hour. If you can put in enough chunks during the week you can keep up with it. 

And go ahead and assign your husband some 15 minute tasks, too. Who's going to complain about 15 minutes?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Get a job and pay for someone to clean, I guess if you are a stay at home wife and it's formalized that caring for the domestic front is your responsibility.

But seriously, I don't think you should have to clean because your husband is a neat freak. If he truly wants the house to be a certain way, let him handle it, because it means more to him. Therefore, it's his problem. Let him figure out how he can make his environment more to his liking.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

You have three, soon to be four, little kids. You live in a small house. Anyone would struggle under those circumstances.

I don't like cleaning and I'm bad at at. I love having things clean, we have a cleaner once a week to do the floors and bathrooms and our house is still pretty messy a lot of the time. The thing is, I want to enjoy my life too, and I refuse to apologise for that. 

I look at it like this; my main job is mothering. That means making sure the kids are happy, peaceful and healthy. So food is important, toys are important and keeping the kitchen clean is important. Everything else can wait.

In terms of your actual day to day stuff, try setting a timer for five minutes and only cleaning for that long. I'd say 15, but you won't be able to get that interrupted. It's surprising how much you can get done in 5 minutes.

Also, has your husband done many days as primary carer? My husband used to look after our oldest on a Wednesday and I'd come back to a pretty disastrous house. So he knows how hard it can be if you actually want to be nice to your kids and not just ignore them to clean.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

I am not OCD about cleanliness, nor am I a neat freak. But I wish I was. I want thing clean and organized and I try my best to have them that way. But the wife could care less about it. She gets annoyed when I clean and she if home because it makes her feel guilty. 
All I really want, and it would make me quite happy is to get some help from her. When she does (did for a little this weekend) I love it. 
Don't try and have a goal of keeping it spotless, just make an effort, that will go a long way.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Wow, you have your hands full.

Do your kids have any chores? I have a 2.5 & 3.5 year old and while they are too little for chores, we do keep some house rules. The biggest ones are - 1) you can only take out one activity at a time (this only applies to things with a thousand small pieces), so art supplies must be put away before the train set can come out, and trains must be put away before puzzles come out, etc. I have noticed when it gets really cluttered, my kids lose interest in playing with things and become more destructive (think dump and run). I am hoping to teach them to value their belongings and take care of them, and also I can't stand a thousand little pieces of eight different toys on the floor at once. 2) all toys must be picked up before bed time. That really just means a quick pick up of clutter in the living room and their bedrooms.

Would something simple like that work for you? I do not have time to deep clean anything like I would like to, but as long as the big clutter is put away I find it easier to squeeze ten minutes of cleaning something (not the whole house, just a small portion) before I crash for the night. The key for me tho is making the kids get involved and keeping it a rule for the house. My 3.5 year old is starting to instinctively put away his toys before he reaches for another one so I am keeping my fingers crossed its working. 

Also in that small of a space, it's kind of hopeless. We lived in a 900SF apartment less than a year ago and it was madness. We didn't even have room to have a place for everything. I feel you there, that's tough. I suppose moving is not an option?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

kl84 said:


> We live paycheck to paycheck because I choose to stay home with the kids. I know my husband would rather I find a job......but he's out of his mind, especially with #4 coming. I would literally never see my kids. I'd never have real, true quality time with them because my free time would be devoted to getting my son's medical care managed. When all of them are in school, I will find some sort of work. For right now, this is life.


I think this is a load of baloney. Sorry, but you're on thin ice here.

1. Nobody said you have to get a full time job. You could get something for 16 hours a week to bring home a couple hundred bucks and pay a housekeeper to work so you can spend time with the kids.

2. Your husband must not get much chance to spend time with his own kids, either, because you're not willing to get out there and give him some relief on this. Why is it ok for you to be home with them all the time, but not him? 

3. By making this choice when your husband wants you to find some work, what you're doing is communicating to him that you're more important than he is. This *will* come back to haunt you.


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## kl84 (Jan 26, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I think this is a load of baloney. Sorry, but you're on thin ice here.
> 
> 1. Nobody said you have to get a full time job. You could get something for 16 hours a week to bring home a couple hundred bucks and pay a housekeeper to work so you can spend time with the kids.
> 
> ...


First of all, calm down. 
Second of all, I am not quite understanding your logic here. Work 16 hours.....to pay for a housekeeper?
Maybe you don't understand what is involved with a special needs child and the appointments they require..... let me brief you.
My husband works from 3-11 PM. I have that small window of opportunity between 8:00, when most Dr's offices open, to about 1-ish when he has to start getting ready for work, to handle Dr's appointments for not only my son, but everyone else. I have no baby sitter. So we work in "shifts" when I have appointments to handle. Looking back on my calendar I have had an appointment almost every single day for the past month, sometimes two in a day. Appointments generally last anywhere from an hour to two hours....and take into account that I live in a big city and offices are spread across town so usually the commute is 30 minutes to and from, typically during rush hour. 

As an added bonus, because my son is special needs, he actually *needs* me..... a LOT. I get multiple calls from teachers during the week, sometimes to pick him up because he's had accidents, other times there were incidents at school, I mean, it varies, there's no telling from one day to the next. And speaking of school, it's not like the only involvement for me is the occasional parent/teacher conference and help with homework. You have to be VERY involved in the IEP process to make sure he is getting services he needs, make sure he's meeting his goals, etc. I mean, this is my son's future we are talking about here. 

From seeing geneticists, neurologists, counselors, case managers, psychiatrists, gastroenterologists, nutritionists, occupational therapists, regular Dr's visits, overnight stays in the hospital for various tests.........you have no clue what you are talking about. 16 hours a week is freaking gold around here. That's just for *him*. 

And btw, I do bring in a little extra money via advertisements online for helping others with very personal issues...... but even that usually takes a backseat to everything else I have going on in life. 

And what do you mean why do I get to stay home and not him? How do you know he even wants to stay home? 

I am not communicating I am more important than he is, I am communicating that my kids (and their future) are more important than extra money for luxury items. Our basic needs are met and I think being here for my kids (when I am so stretched thin with my son's needs) is more important than restaurants, movies, cute clothes and the like.....


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## kl84 (Jan 26, 2012)

And to add to that..... did I ever say I am thrilled by this? Like I am living the life? I have *no* social life. I have no friends that come by. No time really for any meet-ups and play dates. I'm not over here sitting on my butt while the kids watch sponge bob all day. This is not my ideal situation. I would love to get back out in the world and work, have co-workers to socialize with, bring home some extra money so we can splurge on things. I'm not materialistic by any means but sure, i'd love to buy that new perfume if I could. But at what expense? I weighed the possibilities and felt that my needs needed to take a backseat to the needs of my children. I know plenty of moms who work part-time at the grocery store JUST to get away from the kids. That's it. They work to pay for daycare so they can get away from their kids. If that works for their family, fine. It just doesn't work for me. People can look at me like i'm lazy and just don't want to contribute to society, but the way I see it is, I am trying to raise children to become responsible adults someday. I choose to put my life on hold to make sure that theirs is the best it can be. Yes, it gets stressful. Yes, sometimes I fantasize about what it would be like to leave the house and answer to no one, just go where I want, when I want. Yes, sometimes I envy people like my sister whose only responsibility is to herself. But ultimately, I am happy with my decision and I feel like one day my kids will thank me for it.....


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I watch hoarders just so I feel so much better about myself - my bachelor pad is so disgusting - and the problem is when it gets messy its hard to organize, and when its disorganized it is hard to clean - so things pile up, and accrue, then my son gets his busy little imagination making little forts out of every pile of whatever he can find and its like taking one step forward then multiple steps back all the time.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

kl84 said:


> My husband is a neat freak and wants the house clean all the time..... well, I want it clean all the time as well, I just have.....problems.
> 
> This has been an issue of mine ever since I was a kid. I was that kid who would sit in my room ALL DAY and not lift a finger. My parents would bribe me, punish me, whatever....nothing worked. I get spurts that last a couple of weeks where I cannot clean enough. I mean I move furniture around, clean ceiling fans, baseboards, just totally go bonkers and get anal about anything being out of place. But this enthusiasm wears off and I would rather chop off all of my limbs than to clean.
> 
> ...


 I am the same way. I absolutely hate cleaning, not that i really hate cleaning, i am just tired of doing it all the time day in and day out. I have one child at home, 3 year old boy, and that is enough. He makes a big enough mess for me lol. I used to be a housekeeper and have cleaned many many hotel rooms. 

I am also a sahm. Believe me if i could find a job that paid as much as my husband makes, i would take it in a heart beat and let him be a stay at home parent, he thinks it is easy and it is far from it of course he wouldn't do anything, so i would go to work just to come home to a trashed house everyday, no thanks. 

My 3 year old helps me more around the house then my husband does.

I used to be a neat freak, until I had my son and got absolutely no help what so ever. I had a c-section with my son, and the day I got home from the hospital I cleaned house because it was freaking trashed (h's kids were staying here)

So what if the dish's pile up or the laundry. If your husband doesn't like it he can do them


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