# Is my husband lying about emotional affair?



## krismi (Oct 8, 2009)

Just looking for some opinions. While I was away on vacation my husband started talking about a new young female coworker non-stop. She then called our home one time and stated to my husband she was sorry she left the sheets a mess!! He said this was a joke. She called him one day when I was driving him to work and asked why he wasn't there yet and his reply was "My wife doesn't let me out"! which is by far not true. She cried on his shoulder about a married older man (my husband is older by 20 years than she) she was dating and thought she might be pregnant. I asked my husband to stop hanging around her so much as she appeared to be trouble and he volunteered to remove her direct connect # from his phone. 

Well I let everything go and 6 months later I find a direct connect # with no name in his notebook of his phone which I borrowed since my phone was on the blink. I beep it and a female answers. When I get home I tell him what I found and he states "You'll just have to deal with it" and goes to bed. The next morning I ask him if perhaps our son might have used his phone or one of his friends. He says no and doesn't know who the # belongs to. We drive to the store and he tells me to go inside, he will be right in. Several minutes later he comes in and says he now knows who's # it is. Well, it happens to be the young female coworker and I ask why he didn't call the # in front of me. He says he doesn't know why and doesn't know how her # got there he just recognized her voice. I look at the phone bill and discover that when my husband was supposed to be in town helping his friend when I was away on business, the tower the phone connected to when I called was nowhere near where he was supposed to be but a tower 25 miles away in a town right near where she lives but he states he was nowhere near there. There are other little things but I don't want to go on and on. 

Can anyone give me their opinions on this. He states she wasn't even a good friend of his and nothing ever happened? She still works there although in another building and it bothers me. Am I making a big deal about nothing?


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Keep you eye out and go with your gut! Sounds suspicious but who knows.


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Definitely keep watch. He's flattered by the attention but more than that, he knows she's not afraid of married men. You can probably put a voice activated recording device into his car...


----------



## LadyEm (Oct 6, 2009)

Something is definitely suspicious. I had a bad feeling about his behavior from reading your post (past experience). Go with your gut.


----------



## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

a marriage is defined by trust and honesty.

your husband has lied to you and broken trust.

and his dishonesty and broken trust all revolve around a younger woman.

what more you need to know

i'm sorry.

can trust be regained? i'm told it can, but i still have my doubts.

but surly trust cannot be regained unless and until your husband tells you the whole truth.


----------



## krismi (Oct 8, 2009)

Thank you everyone for your opinions. I've tried asking several times but am told if I am looking for a different answer I am not going to get it so I'll just be patient and see what happens I guess.
What else can I do.


----------



## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

well, you could tell your husband that he's insulting your intelligence by not being honest with you.

you could tell him that you're frightened for your marriage.

you could tell him that until he mans up with the truth he can sleep on the couch.

you could sign up for some counseling to work through these issues.

or, you could tell yourself that these myriad events and happenings are all just very very odd coincidences.

but it may take some form of artificial stimulation to reach that level of denial.

you seem like a good person.

you don't deserve this kind of heartache.


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

BTW, how do you know about the sheets comment? Did she leave a message on the machine or something?


----------



## krismi (Oct 8, 2009)

He told me about the phone call - I believe he may have been nervous because my mother and daughter were there when the call came in. 
I just wonder as there have been lies about things in the past (not this type of thing though) to which he has sworn the truth then many years later told me he knew I knew he was lying but he had to lie anyway. Weird.


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

That's a strange thing to tell your wife. Very strange. Honestly, right at that moment I would have called the girl myself and asked her what the hell that comment meant.

Lying is a peace-keeping mechanism. A very bad one. They undermine trust in a big way. So even though the lies weren't about important/big things, you can't help but wonder when one of these lies is going to be about something important. If he can't tell the truth about dumb things, you have no confidence he'll tell you the truth in something like this. I wish people understood how damaging small lies are to the big picture.


----------



## krismi (Oct 8, 2009)

Thanks Dobo. That's exactly how I feel. Hard to know when he is telling the truth now. And as recent cloud stated, there were so many coincidences that I honestly think he is lying. The weird thing is I would be upset if something happened but realize we are all human and we all make mistakes. It's the lies that are making me sick the most. It's hurtful to think he cannot confide in me. I try to be an understanding person and I truly love my husband. We have been married 22 years and has never done anything else like this. He has been a great father to our 4 children and really I don't have any other issues with him. We did go to therapy for awhile but he would not say anything else about it just that I am never going to get a different answer. He is allowing me to look at his cell phone whenever I want now and really trying to work on things but it's the not knowing that makes me crazy and the weird thing about the lies and me knowing he's lying. I can't figure that out.


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Have you thought about talking to her?


----------



## Harvard (Aug 11, 2009)

he is a terrible liar!! Kick him to the curb, find someone else who understands what being faithful means....


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I can never figure out if you're singing into an invisible mic or if you're really sick there, Harvard.


----------



## krismi (Oct 8, 2009)

I wouldn't bother. What with her moral ethics I doubt very much she would tell me the truth. Besides I feel it's my husband's responsibility - he's the married one - she's not. My main concern at this point is how he can look me right in the eye and lie to me holding true to his story for so long (as with other issues) when he knows I know he is lying??? I wonder if there isn't something wrong with him? Is this something that could have started in childhood? It is also very hard for me to understand because I have a hard time lying - it's just a waste of time to me - one lie leads to another - you have to remember what you lied about, etc., etc. What a waste of time and energy, right??


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

In a way, holding onto the lie when you really know the truth is a deflection. Afterall, all you can be upset about is the lie if he refuses to confess. You can't really be upset about the action because it hasn't been 100% confirmed and you don't both agree on the facts.

And yes, lying can start in childhood. There are probably a bunch of books on Amazon about lying and the purpose of lying.

Most lying is probably more about avoidance or shame. Only really evil people lie because they just don't care about you but will never admit it. Of course some people wind up in relationships with those kinds. Doesn't seem like your guy is one of them, though. He's just not going to give you the ammo. And honestly, I couldn't live with someone like that. One day I'd just quit caring what the heck they did and I'd extract myself from the situation.


----------



## Harvard (Aug 11, 2009)

right. once a liar, always a liar....


----------



## dragonflyonwall (Mar 2, 2011)

I am not sure where to start. My husband went downhill after he lost his job Christmas 09’. Our sex lives had become a joke because he gets mad at the fact that he has an erectile dysfunction but will not do anything about it. We have been married for 7 yrs. he used to be an alcoholic. He stopped drinking when I had our son. Who is now 6. When he was working we seldom seen him. He is hard working no doubt about that. But when he is home he sleeps and watches TV. As soon as he comes home he is still on his phone goes into the bathroom for 1 to 2 hrs. Then comes out still on the phone. Well last year he started texting and it was constant. Even during dinner. I had to ask who that is. He said Jessica who had been married and is having marital problems.( He went to school with her.) Anyway, she had moved back in town a year prior to that and he never talked to her. Not until face book . He said she was having troubles with her husband. And needed to talk. Then he started going over with son for playmates and dinner. I was invited some of the time. I was really getting annoyed with the texts. It was bad and all the time. I went to plug his phone in to charge for him and noticed a text that said “ what I don’t know I don’t know” ok now I have to look further. I saw that she was talking about sexy pics of her and he asked for her to send them to him. She said wont that bother your wife. That is when he said that “What I did not know”. I was shocked and asked him about the text and what I wasn’t supposed to know about. He went off on me calling me a wacko for spying on his phone and that I invaded both of their privacy. I said how I did that. Because you looked at my private stuff. I was in shock again. He never was like that before. He never hid things from me and never did I worry. So he stopped sleeping in bed and was constantly texting sleeping in the living room with the TV on. Now the girl is back with husband. Everything is still the same . Now they bought a larger house and my husband has helped them in every way possible. Her parent have disowned her for taking back her husband. They moved in to house end of Nov. and husband is over there a lot. We go out of state to for Christmas, He was rude to me and my mom. He left on the 26th . My neighbor said a girls been there a lot. I get home on the 31st. We fight about something he came at me I told him to go ahead and hit me. Then the phone rings She wants to have my son over for sleep over because New Years Eve. I said ok she said great I come pick him up. Then not even 10 min he went out the side door with suit case in hand. Guess where he went. Her house and is still there. Won’t tell me anything. I noticed a file in the computer and it was under indexing and it was an invitation to a meeting with lawyer at his mom’s house. I am at a lost for what to do. He gets my son on weekends. But I found out that he is still sleeping and not doing anything with my son. He did say he left before he killed me . Because if he hit me he would not stop. He said he left so we would not fight in front of son anymore. We have been fighting over that damn phone. A lot …has gone on and I feel as if I am on an emotional roller coaster. He came over one day and we had a quickie. I am not sure why but it happen. This was about a week after he left. I now thought I may be pregnant. I told her about it. She was floored and said he said we hadn’t done it since last mother’s day. And was hurt for him lying to her. Then confronted him. About how much I don’t know. And he was going to leave there but decided to stay. I am really confused. Her husband tutors me with my math and I think this is all the strangest ****. What the hell How can I find out what is going on?


----------



## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

Red Flag Red Flag 
Same thing my H told me when I busted him with his brothers wife ! 
I would watch , your H shouldn't have to hide it from you if they are just friends


----------



## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Wait a minute...he left you, moved in with her AND her husband???? There is something very disturbing about what he said, when he said he left before he killed you. There is way more going on here, but I really think you need to talk to an attorney. Apparently he's talking to one, you need one ASAP. Do not hesitate.


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

krismi said:


> While I was away on vacation my husband started talking about a new young female coworker non-stop. She then called our home one time and stated to my husband she was sorry she left the sheets a mess!!


This is your 1st sign, I think anyway....
New co-worker = calls your home= jokes about messing up your sheets? 
She's been involved w/a married man?

You need to keep your eyes and ears open...
You gotta *want *to know the truth to _see_ it.

I agree w/Jaded Heart! RED FLAG!

Sorry you're going thru this...


----------



## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

To the OP...Any woman that cries on my shoulder ... is a close friend. U've got cell phone tower evidence that he's atleast seen her off work hours. Scrwe EA, now we are talking PA. If he couldn't explain that, i wouldn't need anymore reason to move on. I assume that if they met... they did the worse.

Dreagonflywall... i don't know what to say. The signs are there right in front of as well as the OP. And you guys decide to have a quickie while broken up, wow he gets to have his cake and eat it too.


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Rob774 said:


> U've got cell phone tower evidence that he's atleast seen her off work hours. Screw EA, now we are talking PA.


I agree with this....exactly what I was thinking but realized I didn't say it until I posted....


----------



## krismi (Oct 8, 2009)

Hey - I'm still here going through this - does anyone out there think that these could be odd coincidences??? I appreciate all the feedback- this still haunts me. Everything is better now, girl is married, husband no longer works there and lets me see his cell info where before he hid it and did not want me touching his phone and erased all the calls unless he had no way out of it - has been better for quite some time. Somehow I feel like I still don't know the truth though and he just won't tell me - I asked him if I was ever second best to anyone or if he would have ever left me for anyone else during our marriage -his answer is no but do I believe it? Our children know about this (youngest is 19) and think he never would have left us but are unsure of what went on. Maybe just an obsession because she flirted or more? I actually wonder if my middle daughter who was the one who actually found the number in his notebook of his phone had an inkling something wasn't right and pointed this out to me on purpose when I think back about it. She was always around while some of us were out of state for awhile visiting relatives and helping them set up house for a couple of months when all this started. Just seeking more opinions or additions to those already posted. Thanks guys!


----------

