# Stuck



## HarlowD (May 5, 2021)

This is my husband. He seems so nice to everyone on the outside, but he can be so nasty to me, he mocks me when he makes me cry, yells at me for every little thing, if the kids do something wrong, I’m to blame. He swears at me a lot. He can have a go at me for hours and then just switches like nothing happened and when I’m not ok he says I’m miserable and dragging the argument on, he’s destroying me. I don’t like to live the kids with him because I know that will stress him out and he will be in a bad mood. I hate him touching me. He gets in my face and grits his teeth, I’m actually waiting for the day he hits me, he’s pushed me before, and thrown something at me. I have pushed him once when he had me cornered whilst holding our son, and he uses that against me and says I’ve hit him. I walk around on egg shells as I know one little thing will start him off, he blames me for everything, and is so negative. No one see the looks he gives me when we are out, or hears the comments under his breath, they just think he’s great and I’m being miserable, I can’t pretend to be happy with someone who enjoys hurting me so much. I can’t remember a time he wasn’t like this, but he’s getting worse. I want to leave, but I can’t.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Why can't you leave? You are living with an abusive man. Your children need to be away from him as well. You could contact a woman's refuge and talk to them.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

He sounds like a bomb waiting to go off.
Do you have a friend or relative you can lean on for a place to stay? I would not wait around for him to graduate to the next abusive level.
If I were you I'd talk to a counselor who is versed in treating abused women. There are hotlines in the States for that to start out, I'd imagine there is something similar in England?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

People like this are easy to expose. One little hidden camera.... one Facebook post.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

You are not stuck-- figure out a way to leave. Staying with family would help. If your able, visit a lawyer for a free consultation. There's no reason why you need to stay in that abusive situation.


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## HarlowD (May 5, 2021)

I have always been the first to say, if he’s abusive get out, and I think I have always thoughts well he’s not hitting me so maybe it’s in my head and I’m thinking into it to much, he’s come close to crossing the line, he’s pushed me before and gritted his teeth in my face and cornered me whilst I was holding our son and when I pushed him so I could get away he started saying I hit him, and makes comments that I hit him.
I’m not financially independent anymore, I’m on Mat leave and all our savings have gone into refurbishing how house.

I know money shouldn’t be a reason to stay, but I have no where to go and also can’t support both the kids without his wage.

this is the first time I have spoken about it and we have been together 12 years. If I can save my marriage I want to try, but I don’t know how to start

thank you for your responses


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

It’s so much scarier when the abuser is the good guy to everyone outside and awful at home.

I’m not going to ask why you haven’t left because I completely understand.

I’m not going to berate you or make you feel any worse, I understand.

A small scrap of advice I can give you is to smile when it really hurts, and leave the misery where it belongs - with him. Don’t let him see you cry. Find a crying place and a crying time and you show him there’s a light in you that can’t be extinguished, ever.

Don’t walk on the eggshells, step over them like the crack that they are.


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## HarlowD (May 5, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> It’s so much scarier when the abuser is the good guy to everyone outside and awful at home.
> 
> I’m not going to ask why you haven’t left because I completely understand.
> 
> ...



thank you, I really appreciate your words, it’s amazing how good it feels to speak about this! And know people understand.

thank you


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

It took me 7 years to find the courage to leave my abuser ex husband. I'm now messed up mentally and trying to fix myself. You need to get a plan in place for yourself and the children. Don't let him know, it will make him worse. Let those you are closest to and can trust know about your abuse. You need to put money to one side and find a safe place you can go with the children. Do not tell him you are leaving. That's the most dangerous part because he could harm you/you all. Call womens refuge/abuse places and see if someone can help you safely get a plan together and leave. Then don't let him know where you are. The courts will come up with a safety plan for him to see the children and no contact with you. All that can be arranged through a 3rd person. If he is dangerous the courts won't let him have any custody, but if no danger to his children they will arrange all that. (((((Hugs))))) 

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Currently in my country we are finding new ways to tackle these situations, and one of the biggest hurdles is how quickly the victim is shouldered with the responsibility of leaving. And how we ask the victim ‘Why don’t you just leave!?’

This dialogue needs to change.

We need to be asking why, if an abuser is so miserable and so filled with vile loathing - why don’t THEY leave? Why don’t THEY think about the children that are watching them hurt their spouse.

It’s just a way to deflect the blame elsewhere so that the abuser is never held responsible for anything.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

HarlowD said:


> This is my husband. He seems so nice to everyone on the outside, but he can be so nasty to me, he mocks me when he makes me cry, yells at me for every little thing, if the kids do something wrong, I’m to blame. He swears at me a lot. He can have a go at me for hours and then just switches like nothing happened and when I’m not ok he says I’m miserable and dragging the argument on, he’s destroying me. I don’t like to live the kids with him because I know that will stress him out and he will be in a bad mood. I hate him touching me. He gets in my face and grits his teeth, I’m actually waiting for the day he hits me, he’s pushed me before, and thrown something at me. I have pushed him once when he had me cornered whilst holding our son, and he uses that against me and says I’ve hit him. I walk around on egg shells as I know one little thing will start him off, he blames me for everything, and is so negative. No one see the looks he gives me when we are out, or hears the comments under his breath, they just think he’s great and I’m being miserable, I can’t pretend to be happy with someone who enjoys hurting me so much. I can’t remember a time he wasn’t like this, but he’s getting worse. I want to leave, but I can’t.


Please leave him. Do you have family that you can stay with? YOu should also call a woman's organisation for abused women. He is abusive. have you shared this information with any family or friends? You should and expose him. Use your smart phone and record him, the next time he does this. Then tell your family. Then seek advice from a lawyer also. From your DP it looks like you are in the UK, there are organisations there that will help you to leave him or at least separate from him. A separation might shock him into reality and make him go seek help.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Luckylucky said:


> Currently in my country we are finding new ways to tackle these situations, and one of the biggest hurdles is how quickly the victim is shouldered with the responsibility of leaving. And how we ask the victim ‘Why don’t you just leave!?’
> 
> This dialogue needs to change.
> 
> ...


you are absolutely correct but if an abuser had the ability or the character to self reflect, yes that should be the outcome, the problem is they do not because they are damaged.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Is your husband a covert narcissist? It sounds like it from your description.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

GC1234 said:


> covert narcissist?


I think you might mean "wife beater" ?? @aine has this dead on. Character..... hypocrite.... typical wife-beater - clean to the world, immoral bastard to his wife....

Please, your husband does not have the moral fiber to seek help or leave. You have to leave. Good advice has already been given.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

And pushing the victim to leave can also have deadly consequences for the victims, usually women and children. Statistically women and children are most in danger when they have actually left.

When you have this good-man-on-the-outside situation, how does it look for him out there when the wife and kids leave him? He certainly is not broken and certainly will self-reflect on how he is going to be perceived. This is why a kind word can mean more to a victim than saying, ‘you have to leave’.


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## HarlowD (May 5, 2021)

I’ve just been made redundant ( today) so I have no income at all coming in, my husband will be paying for everything and it’s made me panic, his anxiety is going to get worse which in turn will make him resent me.

no one has any idea what he’s like, sometimes his mask slips, but not very often, my sister has seen how nasty he can be, but I don’t think she thinks more of it than he’s in a bad mood, I’m terrified to tell anyone,i don’t know why, I just want him to leave me. He bought me flowers today, I think it was because I haven’t really spoken for a few days as he’s just been horrible, even his nice gestures seem
To be manipulative


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

HarlowD said:


> I’ve just been made redundant ( today) so I have no income at all coming in, my husband will be paying for everything and it’s made me panic, his anxiety is going to get worse which in turn will make him resent me.
> 
> no one has any idea what he’s like, sometimes his mask slips, but not very often, my sister has seen how nasty he can be, but I don’t think she thinks more of it than he’s in a bad mood, I’m terrified to tell anyone,i don’t know why, I just want him to leave me. He bought me flowers today, I think it was because I haven’t really spoken for a few days as he’s just been horrible, even his nice gestures seem
> To be manipulative


Why doesn't your sister know? If nobody around you knows your suffering, how can they help?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

See if you can get a hidden camera to capture some of his antics. You may find the evidence useful later.


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