# Need help with wife



## Deadhusband (Jan 9, 2017)

I have been married for 2 years but have lived with my wife for a total of 8. She is a gorgeous woman and I do love her but I hate spending time with her now. We are always together since we work together also. My biggest issue is I love to read a lot about science and interesting things and when I try to talk to her about it she does not pay any attention to me at all. I can not have an intelligent conversation with her and its a complete turnoff. She doesn't even fake paying attention to me. I am no longer sexually attracted to her cause of this. I still look at her and think she is hot (as does every other man we pass by). I also still love her. I don't know what to do at this point. Hopefully someone has some advice.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Your wife is not you. What does she find interesting? Have you considered finding some common interest that way?


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## Deadhusband (Jan 9, 2017)

She likes to talk about her problems or her friends problems. Everything else is about facebook junk.


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## Deadhusband (Jan 9, 2017)

She has no hobbies or interests.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

So why did you marry her? Because she is super hot? And now you realize you have to talk to her too? If that is the case, you know the answer.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Deadhusband said:


> I have been married for 2 years but have lived with my wife for a total of 8. She is a gorgeous woman and I do love her but I hate spending time with her now. We are always together since we work together also. My biggest issue is I love to read a lot about science and interesting things and when I try to talk to her about it she does not pay any attention to me at all. I can not have an intelligent conversation with her and its a complete turnoff. She doesn't even fake paying attention to me. I am no longer sexually attracted to her cause of this. I still look at her and think she is hot (as does every other man we pass by). I also still love her. I don't know what to do at this point. Hopefully someone has some advice.


Join a science club. I love classic cars. My W not so much. I talk engines and clutches. My W not so much. I joined a club that talks all these things.

My W and I talk about anything and everything but cars. Even FB junk we talk about. We find common interests in movies, going to shows on stage, shopping small towns and lunches/dinners. It is not all about cars or science 24/7. It being open to other things in life. Call it being well rounded.


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## Deadhusband (Jan 9, 2017)

Well when we started dating we had tons of funny stories about each others lives and she made me laugh. After 8 years that's all gone.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Deadhusband said:


> She has no hobbies or interests.


Your W stares at the wall all day? My W has no hobbies but enjoys cooking and delving into Bible study. We do not talk Bible study but we do talk about meals she prepares. 

What does your W do with her spare time?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Deadhusband said:


> Well when we started dating we had tons of funny stories about each others lives and she made me laugh. After 8 years that's all gone.


Normally couples start new funny stories after the wedding. You two have no funny stories for 8 years of marriage? 

Do you do anything with your W????


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## MovingFrwrd (Dec 22, 2015)

Deadhusband said:


> She has no hobbies or interests.


Then start a new hobby together. Take a couples cooking class. Join a bowling league. Go to wine tastings. Ask her to talk a walk with you. Listen to her when she's discussing her friends drama. Show some empathy, tell her that she looks nice and that you love being with her (and mean it). Try to find new ways of romancing her, show her that you're making the effort to love her.

Give her a massage. Just rub her shoulders (it doesn't have to be a full on massage with lotions etc.) Let her know you're thinking about her and whatever may be stressing her and that you want to help her feel better.

Ask her if there's anything you can help her with, and follow through. 

The only thing you can change is yourself. She can find the desire to change if she sees you making the effort. One of you needs to reach out, be the one to take the lead.


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## Deadhusband (Jan 9, 2017)

I have thought about trying to find a group with interests like mine. I just work so much I like to come home and relax. I have the kind of brain that never stops thinking so I enjoy watching interesting or mindless shows just to stop thinking about life.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Deadhusband said:


> I have thought about trying to find a group with interests like mine. I just work so much I like to come home and relax. I have the kind of brain that never stops thinking so I enjoy watching interesting or mindless shows just to stop thinking about life.


I'm sure you vegetate every now and then. I watch car shows. My W watched soap operas. Both mindless entertainment that removes the view from the real world. At the very least she will sit through my show and I hers. Heck, sometimes I enjoy watching her shows. This is what being married is about.

BTW, I work a lot as well but manage to make a car shows with my friends at least once a month. You can meet a group at least once a month.


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## MovingFrwrd (Dec 22, 2015)

Deadhusband said:


> I have thought about trying to find a group with interests like mine. I just work so much I like to come home and relax. I have the kind of brain that never stops thinking so I enjoy watching interesting or mindless shows just to stop thinking about life.


I get it - life does get in the way of relationships. This is where the ability to work at your relationship is key. Communicate that you need 30 minutes or so to de-stress, and then engage in the home life. Share the remote. Watch a few shows together, one that you pick and one that she picks. 

Find a way to laugh with her - even if it's laughing at the TV.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

How much time a week do you two spend together? When was the last time you dated her?

Do you know her Love language? Does she know yours?


Edit... NVM, it's answered already in most of your post. This isn't about her, it's about you...


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## Deadhusband (Jan 9, 2017)

MovingFrwrd said:


> Then start a new hobby together. Take a couples cooking class. Join a bowling league. Go to wine tastings. Ask her to talk a walk with you. Listen to her when she's discussing her friends drama. Show some empathy, tell her that she looks nice and that you love being with her (and mean it). Try to find new ways of romancing her, show her that you're making the effort to love her.
> 
> Give her a massage. Just rub her shoulders (it doesn't have to be a full on massage with lotions etc.) Let her know you're thinking about her and whatever may be stressing her and that you want to help her feel better.
> 
> ...


Done all of it. She wanted to learn to play golf so we tried it. She has a very short attention span for everything. We do take walks and I listen to her all the time. Problem is she does not do the same back. I booked us a romantic trip for next weekend. I always tell her she is pretty and she is attracted to me. That's not the issue. Its her showing interest in me (not sexually). She does not like to listen to my issues it stresses her out to much.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Deadhusband said:


> Done all of it. She wanted to learn to play golf so we tried it. She has a very short attention span for everything. We do take walks and I listen to her all the time. Problem is she does not do the same back. I booked us a romantic trip for next weekend. I always tell her she is pretty and she is attracted to me. That's not the issue. Its her showing interest in me (not sexually). *She does not like to listen to my issues it stresses her out to much.*


My driving fast stress out my W. I do not drive fast any longer. 

It appears your W wants to escape the real world with you. If you continue to talk real world there is never an escape. When my W and I vacation the real world is left behind. We do not watch the news. No work emails. Nothing but us and a good time doing what we want.

My W does not listen to my work issues. Makes me no nevermind. I leave work at work.


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## Deadhusband (Jan 9, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> My driving fast stress out my W. I do not drive fast any longer.
> 
> It appears your W wants to escape the real world with you. If you continue to talk real world there is never an escape. When my W and I vacation the real world is left behind. We do not watch the news. No work emails. Nothing but us and a good time doing what we want.
> 
> My W does not listen to my work issues. Makes me no nevermind. I leave work at work.


Heh I am a very aggressive driver and she hates it. So I do the same. I don't bother talking about work or pretty much anything about myself anymore because I know she does not listen to it. I listen to her though even when I don't care about it at least I fake it. It is a huge turn off that I can not talk to my wife. Which in turn makes me not want to spend time with her.


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## Deadhusband (Jan 9, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> Your W stares at the wall all day? My W has no hobbies but enjoys cooking and delving into Bible study. We do not talk Bible study but we do talk about meals she prepares.
> 
> What does your W do with her spare time?


Facebook and kids. She takes care of the house also. She is a good wife in all those aspects.


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## Deadhusband (Jan 9, 2017)

I think some of my issue might also be that we spend to much time together. We just aren't doing fun stuff. It's hard when you work together and only go out of the house together also.


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## MovingFrwrd (Dec 22, 2015)

How many kids do you have / what are their ages? I didn't see you mention them in the first post, and made the assumption that it was just the two of you. 

That's a whole different ball of wax with kids. But, there are other opportunities to show love and support for your wife by helping with the children. Depending on ages, some better suggestions may come forth.

Great job for planning the romantic vacation! I hope the two of you have some fun. 

Do you happen to know your wife's love language? Not a bad idea to find that out if you don't. My wife and I are different - I'm words of affirmation and physical touch, she's quality time and physical touch. If you know what she responds to, you'll have a much better chance of reaching her. I thought I was doing well by saying all the right things, but she wanted quality time. 

What happened with the golf? She just gave up on it? I'm guessing she didn't hit 'the shot that keeps you coming back' - you know - the one lucky swing that gets you hooked because you tell yourself, 'I can do that again!'


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

I love Science, math, programming and chess. My wife not so much; she falls asleep while I’m talking about such stuff. She knows it too; when she can’t sleep she will say “Talk nerdy to me” . 5 minutes of me talking about plank scale strings are really knots/lumpy space time made up of small scale entities…. well just typing this and she fell asleep.

I’m not bothered about this at all & have found many ways to connect with her. It took some effort.

She is religious & while I am not I can support her here
We both go to wine & beer tasting and enjoy traveling.
Taking care of our home is important to us.

Ask her outright for her help in this; sometimes women expect us to be mind readers. I’m not good at hints and my bet is you are not either.

good luck from the orginal Mr. Boring


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## Deadhusband (Jan 9, 2017)

MovingFrwrd said:


> How many kids do you have / what are their ages? I didn't see you mention them in the first post, and made the assumption that it was just the two of you.
> 
> That's a whole different ball of wax with kids. But, there are other opportunities to show love and support for your wife by helping with the children. Depending on ages, some better suggestions may come forth.
> 
> ...


Kids are 12 and 16. I am the step father and the real father is a deadbeat who is still in their life (which makes it really hard for me in disciplining). As far as love language that's not an issue. She always wants to have sex. The issue is me wanting to have sex with her. I know she has issues and I always try to support her but how do you stay in love with someone who seems to have no interest in you as a person (she used to). She gave up on golf after we went once. She does not have enough patience for it. She was only half into it the whole time. We try to go to the movies and walk on the beach. I hate walking on the beach but i do it.


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## Deadhusband (Jan 9, 2017)

Max.HeadRoom said:


> I love Science, math, programming and chess. My wife not so much; she falls asleep while I’m talking about such stuff. She knows it too; when she can’t sleep she will say “Talk nerdy to me” . 5 minutes of me talking about plank scale strings are really knots/lumpy space time made up of small scale entities…. well just typing this and she fell asleep.
> 
> I’m not bothered about this at all & have found many ways to connect with her. It took some effort.
> 
> ...


I have talked to her about it many times before and it ends up turning into a huge fight. I am not a person who like to argue so when she flips I walk away or stop talking. All rational thinking leaves her body when she gets upset about something. Even when there is not anything to get upset about. We love to travel also and try to take a cruise once a year. Money permitting. That is really the only time I enjoy spending with her (she has no access to her phone). I play video games but when we go out together they don't come with us.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
It appears that your W may simply be shallow. She has little patience for your interests and life in general. She is easily bored and she becomes engrossed in activities like scanning FB and mindless TV. There is not much you can do to increase depth in her and I speak from experience. If you really examine how she used to be you will probably find that she kept your interest because she was new to you. Fundamentally she has not changed but rather you have. What was once unknown and intriguing to you is now known and boring. 

You expect her to keep things interesting by giving you more "unknown" to be intrigued by but sadly, she hasn't any more. You expect her to have depth and to keep you "guessing" intellectually and therefore intrigued but she simply has none and cannot. I regret informing you of this but it sounds to me as though this is your reality. The only thing you can really do is to find things to do on your own and things that you enjoy doing with her and strike a balance that brings you some happiness. To expect it all from her is to invite disappointment. She is not that deep, not that she would not want to be if she could, but she simply is not.


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## Deadhusband (Jan 9, 2017)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> It appears that your W may simply be shallow. She has little patience for your interests and life in general. She is easily bored and she becomes engrossed in activities like scanning FB and mindless TV. There is not much you can do to increase depth in her and I speak from experience. If you really examine how she used to be you will probably find that she kept your interest because she was new to you. Fundamentally she has not changed but rather you have. What was once unknown and intriguing to you is now known and boring.
> 
> You expect her to keep things interesting by giving you more "unknown" to be intrigued by but sadly, she hasn't any more. You expect her to have depth and to keep you "guessing" intellectually and therefore intrigued but she simply has none and cannot. I regret informing you of this but it sounds to me as though this is your reality. The only thing you can really do is to find things to do on your own and things that you enjoy doing with her and strike a balance that brings you some happiness. To expect it all from her is to invite disappointment. She is not that deep, not that she would not want to be if she could, but she simply is not.


This is what I actually think also. My biggest issue in trying to find things to do on my own is I do not have alone time. My best friend that I used to golf with every weekend moved and basically all other things I like to do are done in the house. Since she never goes out with friends or anything (I long for her to spend time with her friends) I don't get alone time. 

What do you think of this? I have sleep issues and experience insomnia sometimes. I sleep at most 5 hours a night and occasionally I wont sleep at all. Then I end up falling asleep early every once in a blue moon (8pm) and when I wake up she is mad at me for falling asleep early. This happens every few months. She usually falls asleep anywhere from 7-10. I usually fall asleep around midnight. If I start to fall asleep and she is awake she will do things to keep me from sleeping. I don't understand this at all and I can only think it is some kind of insecurity she has. Anyone have some insight into this?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

DH,

I think for the more intelligent people they can stimulate their cerebral cortex just by thinking about things. Perhaps for your wife she needs more of a visual cortex or aural cortex stimulation to get the same amount of brain metabolism.

Noam Chomsky once, I'm paraphrasing", said that he understands why so many men get so involved with sports as it involves the same amount of brain processing as more intellectual type use the think about "great ideas". So it is with your W's processing of gossip and drama. 

Tamat


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## bbrad (May 30, 2012)

My wife and I sometimes don't get to talk much, or we get out of the habit of it. She is pretty into her work, which is fine. One thing that helps us, is to go out with friends. Maybe a museum, we can all go our own ways there. But the important thing for us is to have dinner with them. And these may be friends we don't see very often. Maybe four times a year. It does help that we have things in common. A few of my wife's friends we do see, I don't care for at all. But, that is the price you have to pay. Anyway, at dinner with maybe a drink or two is when we get to talk, nothing specific, but this helps us to have some other people as part of the conversation. So, maybe try going out with some of her friends as a couple. Just an idea.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Deadhusband said:


> Heh I am a very aggressive driver and she hates it. So I do the same. I don't bother talking about work or pretty much anything about myself anymore because I know she does not listen to it. I listen to her though even when I don't care about it at least I fake it. It is a huge turn off that I can not talk to my wife. Which in turn makes me not want to spend time with her.


Well, if you don't want to spend time with her, other men will, if you know what I mean. They'll pretend to be really interested in everything she has to say, and soon she'll replace you in her heart with one of them.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

becareful2 said:


> Well, if you don't want to spend time with her, other men will, if you know what I mean. They'll pretend to be really interested in everything she has to say, and soon she'll replace you in her heart with one of them.


But how much in her heart is he anyway?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Deadhusband said:


> Kids are 12 and 16. I am the step father and the real father is a deadbeat who is still in their life (which makes it really hard for me in disciplining). As far as love language that's not an issue. She always wants to have sex. The issue is me wanting to have sex with her. I know she has issues and I always try to support her but how do you stay in love with someone who seems to have no interest in you as a person (she used to). She gave up on golf after we went once. She does not have enough patience for it. She was only half into it the whole time. We try to go to the movies and walk on the beach. I hate walking on the beach but i do it.


You like science but don't like walking a gorgeous woman on a beach? 

Scientifically speaking, study up on the difference between men and women. They aren't the same.

Get the MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER and read it. Else you're headed for a disaster of you own making.

Also, find more time apart. Unless of course you eye is already wandering.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

From what I've read your wife loves and desires you very much. You're extremely lucky. Read the threads in the infidelity section, particularly why wives cheat.

Also, look at the divorce separation threads. You seem like a lucky guy pi$$ing into the wind.


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> Normally couples start new funny stories after the wedding. You two have no funny stories for 8 years of marriage?
> 
> Do you do anything with your W????


My ex didn't. He didn't care to, only with his friends. Maybe he's the same way?


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## ooftah (Jan 11, 2017)

You don't need to have the same interests, or even really similar interests, but you should have at least one and preferably two or three interests that you both hold. That is your common ground. 

My wife isn't interested in science either or just about anything else I find fascinating. She likes to watch crime shows on TV that I find a complete waste of time. I like computer games and when I'm playing she just stares blankly at the screen, probably wondering when I'll grow up 

But we have common interests: our house, our dogs, our family, cooking, certain types of vacation activities, and more. I make an effort to find a weekly TV show that I think we will both like and then make it a ritual to watch it together.

If you don't have anything right now that is a common interest then find one and don't get discouraged or frustrated if it takes a while. I'm sure there are tons of things neither of you has done yet that you might both enjoy. Go to a symphony or a play. Work out together. Take walks together and discuss the neighborhood, or whatever you see. Go to a car show. Try karaoke. There are a million things that won't work and a thousand that will work. Good luck! Don't give up.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

Deadhusband said:


> This is what I actually think also. My biggest issue in trying to find things to do on my own is I do not have alone time. My best friend that I used to golf with every weekend moved and basically all other things I like to do are done in the house. Since she never goes out with friends or anything (I long for her to spend time with her friends) I don't get alone time.
> 
> 
> 
> What do you think of this? I have sleep issues and experience insomnia sometimes. I sleep at most 5 hours a night and occasionally I wont sleep at all. Then I end up falling asleep early every once in a blue moon (8pm) and when I wake up she is mad at me for falling asleep early. This happens every few months. She usually falls asleep anywhere from 7-10. I usually fall asleep around midnight. If I start to fall asleep and she is awake she will do things to keep me from sleeping. I don't understand this at all and I can only think it is some kind of insecurity she has. Anyone have some insight into this?




Hi OP,

This is a horrible. I too suffer for insomnia and my husband didn't seem to get it, he falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow, so if I were up to the early hours of the morning and only managed to get to sleep at ridiculous o'clock he would wake me as soon as he wakes in the morning, even though I didn't have to be up that early....it infuriated me! I had a talk with him and explained how insomnia plagues my life and how when I eventually get to sleep it is a very rare and precious thing for me and is not to be disturbed, he got the message. So really talk to your wife about it and explain how valuable sleep is to you because you can't sleep as easily as her. 

I can also relate to your wife switching off as I'm guilty of doing with my husband when he talks about his job (which is engineering offshore) I didn't switch off to be rude or because I didn't want to listen to him, it was merely because I didn't understand any of it and can't really offer any input to the conversation, maybe that's the case with your wife, perhaps she just doesn't fully get it.


You should really try talking to her and explain to her that you are not having a pop at her, you just want to try and talk about it calmly because it's been bothering you. Hopefully she'll listen without getting angry and you can talk to her.

She may be insecure, I don't know, you'd have to say a bit more about her. But the walking you up thing could be anxiety, she doesn't like to feel on her own maybe. 

You do need some alone time, all couples do. Having a bit of space from each other is healthy in a relationship. You should really make time for yourself to go and do something enjoyable just for YOU!

You mention your wife doesn't do anything with friends, is she reclusive, or does she avoid socialising? The reason I ask is because I have become that way and I now know it's because I've developed depression. I hope this isn't the case with your wife. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Deadhusband (Jan 9, 2017)

Chaparral said:


> You like science but don't like walking a gorgeous woman on a beach?
> 
> Scientifically speaking, study up on the difference between men and women. They aren't the same.
> 
> ...


I am not interested in any other woman. I don't hate the beach, I hate the sand all over my car from the beach.


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## Deadhusband (Jan 9, 2017)

ooftah said:


> You don't need to have the same interests, or even really similar interests, but you should have at least one and preferably two or three interests that you both hold. That is your common ground.
> 
> My wife isn't interested in science either or just about anything else I find fascinating. She likes to watch crime shows on TV that I find a complete waste of time. I like computer games and when I'm playing she just stares blankly at the screen, probably wondering when I'll grow up
> 
> ...


Thanks


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## Deadhusband (Jan 9, 2017)

Loveontherocks said:


> Hi OP,
> 
> This is a horrible. I too suffer for insomnia and my husband didn't seem to get it, he falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow, so if I were up to the early hours of the morning and only managed to get to sleep at ridiculous o'clock he would wake me as soon as he wakes in the morning, even though I didn't have to be up that early....it infuriated me! I had a talk with him and explained how insomnia plagues my life and how when I eventually get to sleep it is a very rare and precious thing for me and is not to be disturbed, he got the message. So really talk to your wife about it and explain how valuable sleep is to you because you can't sleep as easily as her.
> 
> ...


She is from outside the country originally but has lived in the states since 99. She does not have many friends she can relate to. Most of her friends are either way older than she is or way younger. Her best friend here died 4 years ago from cancer. 

She is insecure, has depression, and gets anxiety attacks. Her ex was really bad to her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Deadhusband said:


> That is really the only time I enjoy spending with her (she has no access to her phone). I play video games but when we go out together they don't come with us.


Then go out together more. Try a new restaurant once a month. Sign up for cooking classes. Volunteer together at the local pet shelter. Run a church class together. 

This stuff doesn't just magically happen. Once the PEA chemicals fade away (the ones you have when you meet that make you crazy in love), all you're left with is a person. Whom you have to work with to stay attracted. Dr. Harley says to spend 10 to 15 hours a week together doing non-work/chores/electronics/kids-related things. Like setting up a jigsaw puzzle. Or having coffee together. Or playing frisbee with the dog. Find a way to see her as a human again, and she'll do the same.


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## uncle nasty (Jan 11, 2017)

dear O.P.
first let me say 
(1) All interests are interesting
(2) you seem as though you are not too bright
you are heading for disaster, like a no win situation,
Let me explain.
You say you are always thinking about science and stuff, and want to discuss it with your wife, of course your wife isnt interested, its gobbldygook to he. You have spent time and effort in educating yourself you know the terms and the fasination, she on the other hand has done more girlie stuff (and whats not to love about that)
you need to educate her but gently, one word at a time
maybe take her to a science lecture by someone famous imagine this " Honey i've booked us in to hear S***** H***** talk at the "someplace", i've booked us into the (some swish hotel) for a few nights (now shes thinking "ok posh meals and no cooking")("I think you will need a couple new outfits for it ")
You will then take her and ENJOY her shopping trip

the problem comes when she has taken an interest and she corrects you on your chosen subject

Good Luck


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## ulyssesheart (Jan 7, 2017)

Loveontherocks said:


> Hi OP,
> 
> This is a horrible. *I too suffer from insomnia* and my husband didn't seem to get it, he falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow, so if I were up to the early hours of the morning and only managed to get to sleep at ridiculous o'clock he would wake me as soon as he wakes in the morning, even though I didn't have to be up that early....it infuriated me!
> 
> ...



On insomnia- Stop drinking coffee or tea after the noon hour. Do not eat or drink alcohol after 6 o'clock. Check out your medications to see if they contribute to insomnia. Anti-histamines and inhalers and allergy medications are a few that add to this problem.

If you do a heavy workout late in the day, especially aerobics, this will ramp-up your metabolism and keep you awake. Do your work-outs earlier, if possible. If not possible, then ignore this tip. Work outs are too important to cancel. Get your wife into exhaustive aerobics to ease any depression.

Go to bed earlier than normal. Even if you cannot sleep, you will at minimum, rest your body.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Max.HeadRoom said:


> I love Science, math, programming and chess. My wife not so much; she falls asleep while I’m talking about such stuff. She knows it too; when she can’t sleep she will say “Talk nerdy to me” . 5 minutes of me talking about plank scale strings are really knots/lumpy space time made up of small scale entities…. well just typing this and she fell asleep.
> 
> I’m not bothered about this at all & have found many ways to connect with her. It took some effort.
> 
> ...


My wife is the same in respect to many of the things i like to talk about. LOL....she gets the scooby Doo glazed eyes look. She does try though....maybe thats why i keep tryin too


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Sounds like what used to be my problem. I have a very high IQ. Not bragging because I was born with it and did nothing to earn it, like being born tall. My wife took a commercial course in high school so her education is lacking compared to mine. Yet I have loved her for 44 years. I too longed for someone I could talk to about my interests. It bothered me and my wife knew it.

What my wife did what not many wives would do. She invited her girlfriend to stay with us after her nasty divorce. I knew her best friend even longer than my wife did. Soon the three of us were like family. My wife's friend held two Master's Degrees and challenged me mentally which I liked. So I had the best of both worlds for a few months. However, my wife and I were falling in love with her girlfriend and my wife took matters into her own hands and got us together for a threesome which turned into her girlfriend living with us for 7 years full time and then part time for the next 23 years after she remarried. I know that this sounds weird and even sinful but we have had a great life together. I had the love of two women who combined fulfilled all of my needs.

Not everyone's solution I am sure but our lifestyle did put us in contact with many married couples that lived nontraditional marriages to fulfill needs that their spouses could not. It was like a curtain had been pulled aside and we saw a world unlike that of our conservative friends. That was how my wife solved your kind of problem that I share. Not your everyday solution and we know it disturbs the sensibilities of many whose moral code and view of marriage is different than ours. That is OK. We are married for over 44 years and non of our friends and family made it even half of that time so we do not feel like we made a mistake.

Barring dating other women, there is something else you can do that I tried with some success. I took up Amateur radio and through that hobby met a lot of smart people. We spoke to each other on our radios all over the world. Always could find someone interested in what I was interested in and unlike forums, speaking to each other directly was very interactive. I also met up with some local ham radio operators for breakfast, lunch or dinner, once a week. It did help but there is a difference between friends who love the same things as you and someone who loves you because you love what they do. When our girlfriend came into our life it felt so right, so comfortable like it was meant to be. We never had one instance of jealousy, problem or even an argument due to our lifestyle. 

So try joining a club. I lived in NYC so there were lots of clubs and lots of people who shared my interests. I am also into competitive shooting and joined a local club for that too. Forums are not a good way to communicate. There is not immediate give and take and not a good medium for in-depth discussions. I know what you feel. Friends are OK but not the same as having the person you love share your thoughts with you. Do not know what else to say. Some people get divorced over mismatches like this and my wife knew this and did something about it. It helped that she discovered that she could love a person regardless of their gender. That made it easier and more special for us. Good luck and if you are happy with your wife in all other respects, find some friends that share your interest. I loved ham radio because it also can use computers as well as radio waves so I can talk to people at any time about my interests. Still not as good as laying naked in bed and talkign to the woman you just made love to but a close second. I wish you find the happiness that I did in your marriage.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

There needs to be a bit more give and take between the two of you. Straight up.

First of all, she could at LEAST fake pay attention to you. Unless you've told her you don't like that sort of reaction, it never hurts to feign interest now and then. I suggest you TELL her this. TELL her you want her to at least humour you now and then. My guess is a little conversation will fix this and she'll suddenly find atoms (or whatever) interesting for YOU.
I confess I was guilty of not humouring my husband when it came to TV or movies. If he had something on I wasn't interested in I'd leave and go do my own thing. Yet he sat through stuff I watch. I didn't expect him to sit through mine if he didn't want to, but he did and it wasn't until he blew a lid one day I realized he wanted the same treatment. 

Second of all, to claim you're not sexually attracted to her because of this is a joke. It sounds like something some whiny teenager would do. My guess is if she started sucking your **** you ain't gonna say no. You're telling yourself you're not attracted to her as a way to punish her, subconsciously. This is a dangerous approach.

In sum, ask her to humour you. She'll probably humour you. Problem solved. You have to respect she's not interested in what you're interested in, but it's not too much to expect your spouse to listen.


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## Deadhusband (Jan 9, 2017)

MarriedDude said:


> My wife is the same in respect to many of the things i like to talk about. LOL....she gets the scooby Doo glazed eyes look. She does try though....maybe thats why i keep tryin too


Your wife tries. My wife looks at her phone like I am not talking.


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## Deadhusband (Jan 9, 2017)

Vinnydee said:


> Sounds like what used to be my problem. I have a very high IQ. Not bragging because I was born with it and did nothing to earn it, like being born tall. My wife took a commercial course in high school so her education is lacking compared to mine. Yet I have loved her for 44 years. I too longed for someone I could talk to about my interests. It bothered me and my wife knew it.
> 
> What my wife did what not many wives would do. She invited her girlfriend to stay with us after her nasty divorce. I knew her best friend even longer than my wife did. Soon the three of us were like family. My wife's friend held two Master's Degrees and challenged me mentally which I liked. So I had the best of both worlds for a few months. However, my wife and I were falling in love with her girlfriend and my wife took matters into her own hands and got us together for a threesome which turned into her girlfriend living with us for 7 years full time and then part time for the next 23 years after she remarried. I know that this sounds weird and even sinful but we have had a great life together. I had the love of two women who combined fulfilled all of my needs.
> 
> ...


Heh my wife is quite jealous and would probably kill someone if that situation happened to us. I dont judge any ones marriage. How ever people want to live is their business. Thanks for the advice.


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## Deadhusband (Jan 9, 2017)

UnicornCupcake said:


> There needs to be a bit more give and take between the two of you. Straight up.
> 
> First of all, she could at LEAST fake pay attention to you. Unless you've told her you don't like that sort of reaction, it never hurts to feign interest now and then. I suggest you TELL her this. TELL her you want her to at least humour you now and then. My guess is a little conversation will fix this and she'll suddenly find atoms (or whatever) interesting for YOU.
> I confess I was guilty of not humouring my husband when it came to TV or movies. If he had something on I wasn't interested in I'd leave and go do my own thing. Yet he sat through stuff I watch. I didn't expect him to sit through mine if he didn't want to, but he did and it wasn't until he blew a lid one day I realized he wanted the same treatment.
> ...


I have told her to at least fake it. She still does not. Also there is physical attraction and mental attraction which both lead to sexually attracted to someone. At least for me. I dated a couple of women who i wouldn't call ugly but more plain and I was attracted to them for their mind. My wife used to at least pretend she was interested in what I had to say.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So are you looking for advice on what to do or are you just wanting to complain about your wife?

You've been given lots of good ideas but don't seem the least bit willing to put any of them into practice. You keep coming up with excuses about how none of them will work.

If none of them will work then divorce her.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

"Need help with wife" - this got to be the thread title of the year. Did she come with 14-day moneyback guarantee? Or perhaps assembly instructions? 

Trouble is, after certain period and when the love hormones settle down, the sobering truth hits you as you are left with the actual person, not the dream and vision you fell in love with.
That's not to say it cannot work, just that it take a bit more work. Are you interested in any of the things that go on in her life? Try to find some common ground to talk about. For other things, there are friends...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Deadhusband said:


> Your wife tries. My wife looks at her phone like I am not talking.


That's because you're a doormat. You have ceased to be the man who takes her breath away by becoming compliant and afraid to speak up for yourself. Women HAVE to respect their men. That means their man has to be strong enough to say 'this sucks and I'm not gonna put up with it.'

Look up sh*t tests.

And read No More Mr Nice Guy.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

ulyssesheart said:


> On insomnia- Stop drinking coffee or tea after the noon hour. Do not eat or drink alcohol after 6 o'clock. Check out your medications to see if they contribute to insomnia. Anti-histamines and inhalers and allergy medications are a few that add to this problem.
> 
> If you do a heavy workout late in the day, especially aerobics, this will ramp-up your metabolism and keep you awake. Do your work-outs earlier, if possible. If not possible, then ignore this tip. Work outs are too important to cancel. Get your wife into exhaustive aerobics to ease any depression.
> 
> Go to bed earlier than normal. Even if you cannot sleep, you will at minimum, rest your body.




Hi, 

Thanks for the advice it's much appreciated. I don't drink coffee at all or regular tea, so it isn't caffeine related.

I do sometimes work out in the evening so will have to switch to a more suitable time. 

Must try to be in bed by a certain time and try and form some kind of routine.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## emmasmith (Aug 11, 2016)

Have you considered finding some common interest that way!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Deadhusband said:


> Facebook and kids. She takes care of the house also. She is a good wife in all those aspects.


Well you've got quite the deal, don't you? More than a 'good wife,' she simply sounds like a damned pack mule.

You've got a wife who works full time, raises your kids *and* does all the work inside the house to boot - all while _you_ get that 'badly needed rest after work' each night. Unreal.

Maybe she doesn't want to hear about your SciFi crap and your video games because *she'*s too busy working her ass off 24/7 and resenting YOU because you seem to think it's your God given right to _*relax*_ after work each night and spend your time playing video games and looking at SciFi stuff while* she's* working her ass off at her 2nd job after work - the house and kids.

No wonder she has no interest in you. She's probably sick and tired of the horrific imbalance of responsibility in your marriage. And no, a 'date night' isn't going to make that all better.

How about picking up your SHARE of the responsibility and doing 50% of the work at home - which you SHOULD have been doing all along?


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## Deadhusband (Jan 9, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Well you've got quite the deal, don't you? More than a 'good wife,' she simply sounds like a damned pack mule.
> 
> You've got a wife who works full time, raises your kids *and* does all the work inside the house to boot - all while _you_ get that 'badly needed rest after work' each night. Unreal.
> 
> ...


Wow you sound like a scorn woman. Just to clear things up. I do my share of the house work. If you read the thread you would see they are her kids.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Deadhusband said:


> Wow you sound like a scorn woman. Just to clear things up. I do my share of the house work. If you read the thread you would see they are her kids.


Do you both sit down on the couch or get in bed at the same time each night? Meaning, are you both done with chores/responsibilities at the same time, or is she still taking care of things that need done past the time you finish your share of the housework?


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## Deadhusband (Jan 9, 2017)

turnera said:


> Do you both sit down on the couch or get in bed at the same time each night? Meaning, are you both done with chores/responsibilities at the same time, or is she still taking care of things that need done past the time you finish your share of the housework?


We separated the chores. We both work different schedules. I start work at 6:30 and she starts at 8:30. I start my chores before she gets home. So i finish before her. We never fight about this. This is not an issue we have.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm asking because if you want to start bonding again, you'll have to find a way to be together, on the same page, for more time. If she's running chores every night til 8 or 9, there's little hope of that. Maybe you could find a way to rearrange this stuff.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

A good marriage has both partners with similar and dissimilar interests. My wife is interested in animal welfare, spirituality, yoga, physical fitness and old cinema. I am interested in science, politics, spirituality, physical fitness and old cinema. So some of our interests intersect. Before we were married, she did not watch old movies, did not see the attraction. Then she sat and watched a few of my favorites, then developed her own favorites. (Just introduced her to John Wayne's, "The Shootist", she could not believe that she loved a John Wayne flick) The point I am making is that partners can have dissimilar interests, but there always is an intersection point, and that can be built on. Don't expect similar interests to suddenly appear, they should be nurtured: Take courses together (she suggested Latin Ballroom Dancing-loved it, now I suggested pottery, can't wait)


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## Deadhusband (Jan 9, 2017)

turnera said:


> I'm asking because if you want to start bonding again, you'll have to find a way to be together, on the same page, for more time. If she's running chores every night til 8 or 9, there's little hope of that. Maybe you could find a way to rearrange this stuff.


All chores are done by 7:30 at the latest for both of us. We go to the bedroom and try to watch shows we both like which is hard cause I like to watch a bunch of different shows. I tried taping a bunch of old shows from our past that we both used to watch from childhood but they depressed her. She likes america's got talent and like 2 comedy's. She usually falls asleep at this point though.


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## Deadhusband (Jan 9, 2017)

Taxman said:


> A good marriage has both partners with similar and dissimilar interests. My wife is interested in animal welfare, spirituality, yoga, physical fitness and old cinema. I am interested in science, politics, spirituality, physical fitness and old cinema. So some of our interests intersect. Before we were married, she did not watch old movies, did not see the attraction. Then she sat and watched a few of my favorites, then developed her own favorites. (Just introduced her to John Wayne's, "The Shootist", she could not believe that she loved a John Wayne flick) The point I am making is that partners can have dissimilar interests, but there always is an intersection point, and that can be built on. Don't expect similar interests to suddenly appear, they should be nurtured: Take courses together (she suggested Latin Ballroom Dancing-loved it, now I suggested pottery, can't wait)


I agree we need to find something both of us can do together that will keep her off her phone. I also need to find someone new to talk about the interesting things I read and watch.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Try to turn the tv now and then. Our MC told us to turn the tv off at least one night a week. Set up a jigsaw puzzle, or do some sudoku together or go for a walk. Tv will be the death of your marriage.


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## FromCAtoGA (Jan 12, 2017)

I've seen the absolute happiest couples with vastly different interests. I mean, one reads books at night, the other watches the hit shows and has NO ONE to talk about them with. They are beyond in love and they probably have sex every night. That said, I don't know how they do it because I too like it when someone has the same interest as I do, or at least have absolute curiosity about what I do and what I like. I would say one of the ONLY things keeping my marriage together (other than our two small children -- 98% of why I'm still married) is because we have the same interest and taste in movies and tv shows and various intellectual topics (we are both Scrabble geeks for example -- I love that he is smarter than me!).... I totally understand where you're coming from and if it has affected you guys sexually, it's time to really address this. As for her not having interest in you, as far as I'm concerned, it's a total deal-breaker. I struggle with that too in my life and I feel UTTERLY lonely so very often when he doesn't ask about me or seem to have interest in me. Two people who love each other shouldn't be "stressed out" from listening to their spouse's issues. And not so soon after getting married. What are you guys going to do when you have kids and stress from kids? I say make your relationship SOLID and loving and caring before having kids because then you're "stuck" and it's so much harder to leave. Good luck.


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## Deadhusband (Jan 9, 2017)

turnera said:


> Try to turn the tv now and then. Our MC told us to turn the tv off at least one night a week. Set up a jigsaw puzzle, or do some sudoku together or go for a walk. Tv will be the death of your marriage.


A puzzle is the best suggestion yet. Thats a really good idea. Thanks


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

You sound a bit like me in that you like to know how things work and why. Knowledge will set you free kind of guy.

I read the tech manuals so other do not need to. You know there are some tech manuals to the care and feeding of our gals. I’ve read them and I use this knowledge to manage my relationships.

I’d recommend them in this order 

His needs her needs
5 love languages 
No more mr nice guy.

In reading this thread it sounds like “Recreational support” is high on your list.

I wanted my gale to read the 1st two with me but her narcolepsy would not allow it. At least I now know what is going on and have the tools to attempt change/control over what was once complete ignorance


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## emmasmith (Aug 11, 2016)

Puzzle is the best suggestion!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Have the two of you forsaken having "date nights?" 

If the two of you are no longer interacting, you are becoming "unempathetic" and largely dead to each other!

Not specifically saying that she's doing it, but it's rather sad to say that that's when most affairs begin!*


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