# husband does not want sex



## unhappy 21 (Jul 28, 2009)

My husband is now 21 turning 22 in December for the last couple of months he does not want to have sex. He is always at home when getting of from work so there is no time for him to go any where else. What am I doing wrong he keeps saying I am addicted to sex, but is it normal for once in 2 to 3 weeks.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

NO!!! provide more details, is he on meds? over worked? stressed? have you put on major weight? what could cause this?


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

At 21-22? NO!

So he goes to work/comes home. Is that it?

What does he do at home?

Don't beat yourself up, unhappy. There are a lot of things that could be going on, and they aren't all due to you.

If you could give a little more information, maybe the regulars here could give some better advice?


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Please people, normal is a relative term...there are times when I go for seven days straight and then two to three times a week. So what is normal? Normal is what is right for you...

The OPs husband could have a variety of issues that contribute to low libido...and if she is positive he is not having an affair or playing whack-a-mole to internet porn, then I think it's best to start ruling out the other things like mental and physical issues.

More information might help...but the under-educated will probably all say it's not normal and he's having an affair or something else benign...

Preacher


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

JD, can I ask...how were you at 21 though?

I went long periods without sex at 21 because of no partner, but if it was available...you bet I would, and as often as I could.

I do think, absent more detail, that a (fairly newly?) married 21 year old man who is happy with sex once every other week is not a 'normal' level of sexual interest. I do think that it indicates some type of problem exists.

stress, confidence, hormones, affair, porn, any number of things.

Hopefully OP can come back and provide a little more detail.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Meh, at 21 I was married and not happy so I didn't care for it to be honest...even then I went through periods where I couldn't get enough and where once or twice a week was good enough for me.

I'm more active now than I've ever been though...and I think that's because I am very comfortable with my wife. I can't get enough of her...

Preacher


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## jaded08 (Aug 1, 2009)

sounds like you are going through what i am going through, despite an 8 yr age difference. my husband is 9 yrs older than me and since our wedding 11 months ago hasn't seemed as interested in sex. i have to instigate it every single time and it sucks. it's a complete blow to my ego. let me know if anything works.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

"whack-a-mole" 

OMG! :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

Oh.... JD.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Frequency of wanting sex is highly varied in men of ALL ages.

With some men outside influences don't seem to affect their desire, frequency, ability for sexual encounters.

For other men, even small distractions affect their desire for sexual encounters.

What is more important is a *sudden and drastic CHANGE* in his sexual behaviors.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

if i had it available at 21, i was on it


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

At 21 I'd have banged a snake. Hell, I'd have banged a wood pile if I thought a snake might have been in it.

Something's wrong with the boy.




John


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

well there is more to this, more information needed.

Normal sex drive is relative. My wife and I have very high libido's and always had.

not everyone does, has there been a drastic change? If so what is the history?

family issues? drug issues? stress at work? hundreds of things could be affecting him.

what has changed since you dated? was it high then?

more info.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Just my opinion, but put some spyware on your computer and check your phone records.


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

YES! Start spying on him! That way...if he isnt doing anything nefarious...he can resent you for not trusting him! Great idea.



John


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

NothingMan said:


> At 21 I'd have banged a snake. Hell, I'd have banged a wood pile if I thought a snake might have been in it.
> 
> John


:lol::lol::lol:

See, this is the problem with men:

Some women realize a man will "bang" _anything_, so what makes him "special" if he wants to "bang" _her_ too? 

My mother was right....


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

An excellent book on the subject is:

"_*Why Men Stop Having Sex, Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It*_"

by Bob Berkowitz, Ph.D. and Susan Yager-Berkowitz

He also wrote: "_*What Men Won't Tell You But Women Need to Know*_".

The book states 44% of men claim ANGER is the problem when sex stops (resentment begets anger). 

Often men do not act like "raging bulls" when they are angry, either, states the book. Some men just get quieter and quieter and withdraw more and more.

The books states 32% of men claim their wife got "unattractive" and 38% of those said the unattractive was due to weigh gain issues.

Only 20% claimed they stopped having married sex due to an extramarital affair.

The book states that a majority of men who are not having sex with their wife, are also not having sex with anyone else; especially if they are angry or under pressure at work or home (child illness/issues, finances, own illness or wife's illness, elder parent issues).

Hope this helps. The book is very good. It is based on clinical data and some pretty solid research from what I can tell.


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

Sandy, that was back when I was 21. Some 13 years ago. Saying that all men are like that is silly. Certainly not all men are, and most of the ones are, dont always remain that way. Especially when you consider young men (18 to 21).

Thats like saying all women dont like sex. It seems that way sometimes, but it isnt true. Not even if your mother said it.





John


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

NothingMan said:


> Sandy, that was back when I was 21. Some 13 years ago. Saying that all men are like that is silly. Certainly not all men are, and most of the ones are, dont always remain that way. Especially when you consider young men (18 to 21).
> 
> Thats like saying all women dont like sex. It seems that way sometimes, but it isnt true. Not even if your mother said it.
> 
> ...



yeah, at 21 i was not committed to one woman for the rest of my life. i took a vow based on what she was then to love her and only her til death do us part. i didnt expect her to change so dramatically over that time and become sexually dead. so i am stuck for now.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Sandy55 said:


> An excellent book on the subject is:
> 
> "_*Why Men Stop Having Sex, Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It*_"
> 
> ...


Again.....


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

okeydokie said:


> i didnt expect her to change so dramatically over that time and become sexually dead. so i am stuck for now.


Why are you/she "stuck"?


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

Because he feels like it would be selfish to end an otherwise good relationship just because the sex is terrible. Just a guess.





John


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Why can he not fix the sex...usually if the relationship is good, the sex follows?:scratchhead:


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Sandy55 said:


> Why can he not fix the sex...usually if the relationship is good, the sex follows?:scratchhead:


why do you assume that the wife wants sex under any circumstances? why cant you grasp the fact that she is just happy with it occurring about 6 times a year?
and above all, why would you think that I have to fix it, she is the one with the exceptionally low sex drive?


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

Ive always thought if one person wanted sex 7 days a week and the other 0 days a week, 3 or 4 times a week is a compromise. Thats what marriage is all about right?




John


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## Mog (Jul 31, 2009)

I kind of feel bad about it since I am so new, but I think that I have to disagree with you Sandy. Sorry.

Just because a relationship is good does not mean that the sex will be. I know for fact that I sucked at it for at least the first year of marriage. 

My wife would probably be ok having sex three times day and would be happy having sex maybe once per week, and I think we have really good relationship. I could be wrong though, it has happened before. 

We had to sit down and talk about it because my apparent lack of interest made her feel unwanted. This is something that I was oblivious to until she let me know.

I think the best thing would be to try talking to him about it. As others have already said, it could be anything from stress at work to performance anxiety. 

It should definitely be addressed though because it could lead to other misgivings.


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## CHARYBDIS (Jul 11, 2009)

My 2 cents
I think most husbands want to please their wives. Not just sexually but in everything and the more pleased they seem the more the husband wants to please. It's a reciprocal cycle. Seduction is a much better tool than complaining. To intimidate , threaten or emotionally blackmail someone into having sex with you is a form of sexual abuse and in most states a criminal offence. Put out or get out is not very romantic. Try making lovemaking an event, seduce him. Find out what turns him on and fire his imagination instead of filling him with fear and dread." F*** me or pay the price" is never a turn on. Every man has fantasies, do your homework it could be fun and I know he will be a better lover if you can fill him with lust. 
or not
RCS


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## Mog (Jul 31, 2009)

:iagree:

Done correctly, a light brush in passing will get my wife a lot more attention than if she asks me why I have not initiated an adult encounter.


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