# WTF?? I'm confused.



## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Wasn't sure at all where to post this- so here goes. Been on this site a number of times in the "Coping with Infidelity". Long story short is this: In November 2013 got proof that SO had had a PA in 2011. Here is thread if interested. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/137721-finally.html

I'll cut to the chase here. My confusion is this: throughout our almost 25 years together, in which we were never married and raised a daughter (out of the house now), my SO has had problems with lying. Each time I caught her, things would "blow up", but I think we both knew that we would stay together because of raising our daughter- AND I always have felt "connected" to her- she says same about me.

The lies that I caught were of the nature of kind of irrelevant things. I have no real reason to believe that there was infidelity until 2011. I cannot be certain, but just let me say that her behavior went so wacky during that time it was obvious something was up- big time.

Now, we have separated since November 2013. She asked me to go to counseling- I said yes to see if anything was salvageable. Needless to say the deception of the affairs themselves were the biggest lies ever. And they appeared to happen "back to back" as if she became the "*****" at her place of work during the fall of 2011. At the time, as usual, she blamed me for not being available to her and so forth, and that I since we had never married she felt rejected. Okay, true, we were distant, but every time I tried to get close, she was so jaded that she rejected it.

So, going back to 2011- I knew something was up- and she had always maintained "just friends". Deep down I knew better, but she held to the lie until I busted it this past November.

Now , here is my confusion:

Are there women (or men) our there that just "get off" on lying etc. to their spouse, hurting the family etc.- just to come back EACH and EVERY time to say how wrong they were, that they love you and don't want to split. 

When all went down in 2011, I expressed to SO that I loved her, something I had rarely if ever done prior. So for two years, we tried to rebuild- but she never told of the PA- despite repeated attempts by me telling her to "just come clean." 

So, since I booted her, she says what she has been saying since 2011: "I love you so much", "I want to be with you", "I want to be together for our grandkids"- "this whole ordeal has made me realize how much I really love you". 

Everything she is doing now is indicating she wants this relationship. We are having some the most honest, open talks ever, communicating in a way I always wanted to , but never did before. But I have a hard time dismissing her affairs as a "mistake" as she and the counselor put it. It was exactly what she wanted at the time, and she said she was very, very angry with me and just said "the hell with it" - but when I told her I loved her, she was shocked. But the deeds had already been done.

She quit the job within 3 months (2012) , has been trying to re-establish with friends and family, is following my lead in trying to live a more spiritual life.

But they cynical me says its all a ruse. But in reality, she hasn't pressed to move back in- we've both said the time away is good, even though we have regular contact and get together to talk and dinners often.

So, back to my question: Are there "psychos" out there that get off of doing stuff like this? I know she loves our daughter who is graduated college now, says she loves me, wants to be with me and so forth, calls me every day at least twice- for over 2 years now! So again, I feel like Charlie Brown- when Lucy pulls the football out right before he kicks it. But it doesn't make any sense that she'd hang around for almost 25 years- for what? She moved to an apartment with nothing because my state doesn't have common law marriage. 

I just don't get this AT ALL. I'm willing to work on it, but have no plans to get back together for a while. Just she's been really awesome for a while now, not desperate and that is cool with me. BTW- very remorseful- has been since 2011, but admittedly was very defensive before I exposed PA last November. thanks.

B


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She would need long-term, dedicated counseling to change that part of her that lets her lie to get what she wants (or out of hot messes). That will not change over night. I'd say go to the counseling - it's rarely wasted time - but stay apart.

I HAVE seen people who become SO dedicated to achieving a certain goal (and yes, you may be her goal of the moment) that they will focus on it with laserlike intensity and not give up. 

But, since you're not getting back together, assume she lied because she wants to, and let her deal with that issue.


----------



## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

I lied to my exw a lot over the dumbest ****! I felt I had to, living with her I felt like I had to walk on eggshells all the time and was in constant search for the correct answer. IT SUCKED! After her I vowed brutal honesty! And so far that has worked well with my current wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I think it's likely she resented that you never got married. Unless a woman specifically tells you she doesn't want marriage, the message she's getting is that she's good enough to have kids with/live with/etc but not quite good enough to marry.

As for her getting off lying, I doubt that. When people cheat lies are part of the deal because they're juggling separate lives. The other option would've been to leave you and then see others, but she probably wasn't sure she wanted to give up the life she had with you. In no way does it justify what she did. Her lying prior to cheating is a separate issue and there can be many reasons people lie, esp over stupid stuff. That's something to be explored.

It's not clear to me what you want now. Do you want to stay with her or do you want to move on?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> I think it's likely she resented that you never got married. Unless a woman specifically tells you she doesn't want marriage, the message she's getting is that she's good enough to have kids with/live with/etc but not quite good enough to marry.


Exactly what she says- and the comment by poster above about "walking on eggshells". Resentment grew to where she convinced herself I didn't love her (I admittedly rarely told her that). But what you say is almost EXACTLY what she says. "You (me) wanted all the benefits of marriage without marrying". 



lifeistooshort said:


> Her lying prior to cheating is a separate issue and there can be many reasons people lie, esp over stupid stuff. That's something to be explored.


Says it was in large part because she felt "less than", wanted to present that she was "more" than what she felt she really was (which wasn't much) Also, in our counseling she came to understanding (for her) that in her family you just "don't allow problems"-a problem means you are deficient in some way- so you don't talk about them. So in order to not allow them- you lie about them- act as if they aren't there. Makes sense to me (dysfunctional sense that is), although my life hasn't been that way. [/quote]



lifeistooshort said:


> It's not clear to me what you want now. Do you want to stay with her or do you want to move on?


Well- I know I do love her. BUT, I'm confused- it seems like over the years her antics have "escalated" to having full blown affair. To me, that says she deep down really doesn't want this relationship- every time we get close, she pulls something- seems to get worse. 

So my preference is to be with her- which I am doing right now- we're actually talking, meditating, praying , reading together sometimes- really cool stuff. But in the corner of my mind I'm a skeptic.

So I am okay with trying, but I'm having a lot of anger and skepticism about this because of the history of lying.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'd bet she does, too.


----------



## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

turnera said:


> I'd bet she does, too.


If your talking about skepticism/fear- you are RIGHT ON. That is coming out in our discussions as well. I never thought of it from my end to be honest with you- always focused on what she did. 

So, you are correct. Thanks.


----------



## tryingtodoitright (Jan 14, 2014)

i'm not a psychologist (but i did stay at a holiday inn once)... but i'd have to say yes, there are those who either get off on lying or think that it suits their purposes. i'm at that place w my spouse now where i'm starting to discover and document the little crap she lies about and want to see how deep the pile gets. your post makes me wonder if mine is having an affair and the pile is so deep that i can't see it...

either way, i'll say this. if she was so willing to lie to you before, why would she have stopped now? or why wouldn't she go back to lying after you reconciled? and even if she could, do you think you could ever really trust her not to?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I know a couple of guys, well a few, actually, who truly believe it's their job as a man to score as many women as they physically can, being a man. And all's fair, whatever it takes to get in those pants. And the more convoluted the lies, the more fun it is when they finally do get in. I've always assumed it was a man thing, but who knows?


----------

