# Can anyone shed some light...



## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

As to why my H is so jealous?

I really don't understand, he left me, he's making my life a living hell, but he is the one insinuating that I have another man, asking me if I am looking for one, telling me I'll find one easily...

I mean I've said to him if I was looking for a new relationship, why would I want to work on my marriage??

He goes on about my 'Mystery Valentines Guy' all the time and not wanting to stand in the way...I mean wth?! 

Is he just after an ego boost, know I am still wanting him? Should I call his bluff? Tell him I don't want him, so I am moving on?

I am not in any contact with him as of last night, I can't do this emotional abuse crap any more, hopefully, It'll make him sit up and make him think? Who knows..

Men of the forums what's your take? Is he jealous? Doesn't want me but no one else can have me? Does he secretly still want me? Does he hate it that I am changing? :scratchhead:


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

Mine does the same thing, could be they dont want us but dont want anyone else to have us. or its a control thing. we will never know. I can tell mine is dying to know where I go nights that he has my son. He would never ask because his pride. they are curious creatures. just keep him guessing.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

He is hurt and not thinking strait. From what you've said before, he is also on an emotional roller coaster. I think he is going through much of the same pain as you (despite being the one that walked away).

Continue to tell him that if he wants anything fixed he needs to commit to you and MC. I think he might after some time. He would cut off communication more if he didn't care. He is just SH*T as showing you that (when you guys had talked about the doctor before). 

He needs to realize what his issues are. I think you have some too, but he NEEDS to commit to MC or move on.

I would suggest cutting conversation with him and give him some time to go through what he is going through. Otherwise, he can talk to you and then blame all his emotions and ups and downs on you. Tell him plainly to talk to you again if he is interested in MC and making it work, the kids, or EMERGENCIES. nothing else.

Also, before you cut ties, I would highly suggest telling him your current health situation. How much you have felt abandoned my him in your time of greatest need. He needs to realize how big of a sh*tbag he has been before he can realize he needs to change. Tell him HOW much he has hurt you. He needs TIME to realize that what he did was wrong. 

He's jelous because he was right and left you as a mess. You being happy doesn't fit the narrative of you being the bad person and him being correct. If he is unhappy and emotional and you are talking to other men, he is wrong. He can call you up can blame is emotions on you and never look internally.

Communicate to him how much he hurt you. (he will probably start to talk over you about how much you hurt him). Give him a few weeks of no contact to think that through. He will either realize hes and a$$ or harden his position. The only real hope for your relationship is if he realizes his issues. 

Best of luck.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Thank you for your reply, I know I have issues and I have brought them to the table, admitted fault where applicable, but he makes it all my fault, there's no talk of his part in it, he just says "You know I am sorry"...

*Tell him plainly to talk to you again if he is interested in MC and making it work, the kids, or EMERGENCIES. nothing else.
*

I have done..but he still continues to text...

I did write him a letter explaining how I felt and the questions I had, why he did what he did etc, he took it home and has never addressed it.

As for my health issues, he left me before I got the results, he met me at the hospital the day I found out I had cancer and he said he would be there blah blah blah, yet he hasn't stepped up, I told him this last night, if he doesn't care why should I tell him? 

I ask him if he loves me, I get "What does it matter?"

I ask him if he still cares for me... "What does it matter?"

Does he miss me... guess what the answer is?... the only time he says he doesn't want me, is when he is angry.. 

He wont tell me why he wants to know my prognosis, I feel like why he is in this place, I don't have to tell him anything, it's not making him run home... He knows how much he's hurt me, I don't want to tell him again, I think he gets a power trip from it.

I think I have told him all I need to, I've told him I want him and only him. I am not seeking a relationship elsewhere, I know he's hurt by certain things, but he thinks we can never work, why bother asking me? He always says "What is there to save?" I feel like I am banging my head against the wall.

I would love to be able to whisk him away, spend an amazing weekend with him like we used to and say "Do you remember now"

If he doesn't want me and he's 100% sure why isn't he filing for divorce or is it he just can't be bothered? He hasn't seen a solicitor for advice nothing...


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I guess as a man I'm saying that sometimes we are thick skulled. well, a lot of the time. 

He does care, he's just in a totally F*cked up place right now that only he can get himself out of.

I read through and caught up on your story last night. 

I still think you should contact him with a finality in your tone. Tell him about the health issues. Its a hold up for him right now and a secret. He will focus on that instead of his own issues. He does care. He's just hurting and thinks that this is somehow the best thing to do.

He gets a sort of power trip from it because he thinks he is right and justified in his actions. The only way you can take that from him is tell him how much he has hurt you and abandoned you in your time of need and let him stew in that without contact. When he contacts you tell him you are hanging up if its not about those 3 things. delete his txt msg if they aren't about those 3 things. Don't respond even once or he knows you didn't mean it.

Tell him again that you want to make it work, but the communication isn't healthy.

He needs time to himslef to see his own issues. Even a little contact with you makes it about you, your health, your boyfriends, your issues.

I think the truth is, he doesn't know what he wants or what to do. He sees you as the issue and a sparing partner instead of a lover. He does care. Hes hurt and hurting you back to prove to you and him that he is right. He's trapped himself in a corner with no way out and can't look internally without finding out he is wrong, so he is denying it. 

Give him the safe option of MC to fix both of your issues and then leave him be, alone. It may take a few months. Try to leave him on a note that you want to be his lover not a angry sparing partner. That things can be better and they have gotten better for a lot of people.

The contact you guys have right now isn't any good anyways and only hurting you.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Thank you for your advice, it does make sense, I hate leaving it all on a sour note, because it just confirms what he belives I am some evil *****.

Quick question, would you suggest doing this over the phone? Or email that kind of thing? Also he is spending the weekend with us, this coming weekend should I do it now, then not contact him for the rest of the week.. or wait till after the weekend?


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Whatever works best for you guys. My wife and I are terrible on the phone. E-mail is a good way for us to discuss some thing, but my gave me the "get in MC or we will probably end soon" talk in person. You might want to wait for a good time, but if he is on edge, hurt, and angry all the time, there might not be a good time.

Try to convey that you love him and want it to work, but the current situation CAN NOT continue. Make sure this doesn't turn into a fight, argument, or "discussion". Be clear and firm and come across as a hurt lover and not a sparing partner.

I don't know your details enough, but I'm sure you know what will work best. How will this weekend go? Will he be 1/2 crazy? You said the letter you sent him didn't get addressed, so e-mail is probably not the best option. I would maybe suggest in person. Probably not after spending a weekend together if he is going to just make issues and sh*t for you all, but if the weekend is going to go well, wait for the end of it.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I was thinking of trying to talk to him, before the weekend, telling him what was going on with me, then I am not going to have any other contact until the weekend. I am going to speak softly and honestly, I am not going to shout, or get angry.
I also wont say 'I love you' as he doesn't like it..


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/self-help-marriage-relationship-programs/18671-180.html
My story is in my profile and I used a similar strategy (not everything in it) during my separation. I tried to be strong when I was weakest.

Also, I like your signature.

Best of luck!!!!!!!!!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Ok that was weird, he called me, and we talked, he told me he was sorry about last night, that we're not very good at doing this 'grown up stuff' I told him what was going on with me, I didn't get emotional, but I did talk quietly and softly.
I told him I was feeling very unwell and that I feel really alone. I didn't feel the need to spell it out of him, I didn't want to say "You just abandoned me when I needed you" I think he is aware of that.

He said he doesn't want to argue any more and said he would like to take the children and I out on wednesday for dinner, then tuck them in. I said I don't know if that's a good idea, I'd just like to get through the weekend and see how we go, he just said ok I understand...

I just said "You know how I feel about you and what I want, I don't want to say it again" I said I didnt know what else to say and he said the same.

We said goodbye and he said he hopes I have a nice evening.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

thats a good sign 

Keep it up, I know it hurts so much you can't think strait. I hope he realizes soon if he hasn't already realized.

Wednesday night dinner might not be a bad thing depending on your situation and timing. It sounds like he is starting to get it and what you said was the right thing to day.

Also a dinner Wednesday night might be easier to handle than an entire weekend.

Edit: also, I think its kind of funny in a weird way that you practiced non-contact for less than a week and your husband may have cracked. Best of luck


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Well I don't think that going on Wednesday would be a good idea. I don't know if that it him making an honest effort, or if it was him trying to build me back up to knock me down again.

It also shows him, that I am stronger than he thinks, I did say it would be lovely to spend time with him but I don't think it would be a good idea... 

If he wants me then he'll have to try a little bit harder wont he?


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> If he wants me then he'll have to try a little bit harder wont he?


 Yes but don't get caught up in that either. Your the only one that knows if Wednesday is a good idea and if this is an honest effort. From what he said, I would go with wednesday, but I don't know enough details. You might be 100% right in saying no.

If this is him starting to realize he is wrong, don't stop that by trying to be stronger. If this really is an honest effort, this is a HUGE step. Embrace and encourage it, but hold your ground and be strong. Make sure you don't argue about anything. If it starts to get heated, stop the conversation.

If a man realizes he's wrong, fundamental earth shattering change overnight is pretty normal. Even the stubborn, egotistical, angry ones can change.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

He apologised for his behaviour last night, but nothing else, he didn't offer up anything, he didn't want to talk. He just wanted to know about my hospital visit. so I don't know if he has realised he is wrong?


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.
> 
> He apologised for his behaviour last night, but nothing else, he didn't offer up anything, he didn't want to talk. He just wanted to know about my hospital visit. so I don't know if he has realised he is wrong?


He hasn't. He learned that he can blow up, apologize, then get what he wants. 

He's knows how to manipulate you.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

You are right AmI..i don't think he realized anything yet..it doesn't seem like...but i do think he responds well when you are calmer.

As i said i did the calm voice for a while before H. decided he wants to try again...I wanted to argue so much because everything seemed such BS but i just didn't...I knew that this is what he doesn't like about me and i showed him my other side... a calmer me that is forgiving.
I will be biting my tongue for a long time now...


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

If he is realizing, he knows what was wrong, but not what to say, why to say it, and how to fix it. Apologizing for his behavior is a big deal.

If you are unsure, give it more time. Stay strong, be clear you want reconciliation, but won't put up with his issues/cr*p (and will non-contact if he want to talk about that).


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> He hasn't. He learned that he can blow up, apologize, then get what he wants.
> 
> He's knows how to manipulate you.


I am afraid I have to agree until he learns he cannot just blow up and then apologize later.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

FWIW, I have to respectfully disagree with some of the other posters. If there is no other inconvenience about him taking the kids to dinner Wednesday, I would let him do that.

I think he is starting to get his stuff together. It may take several more months to finish. Apologizing is a big deal. 

Be loving but firm.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Anx, I think you are giving out HORRIBLE advice. AmIMad needs to put DISTANCE between herself and her obviously mentally unstable husband. The man is acting like this to her because he's obviously a control freak. Whether it's done intentionally or not, he's looking to exert some kind of control. He might be scared, he might be angry, he might still love her or not. It could be a combination but he's definitely f*ucked up. Why is he focusing on her hospital visits now when usually he acts like he doesn't give a damn? Guilt. He feels guilt and is trying to lessen it. 

She has a lot on her plate already..her sickness, the kids, her feelings of loneliness and rejection. Now she's got this bastard making it worse? Why does he deserve ANYTHING from her? Go out to dinner with him? :wtf:

Her husband has her on an emotional leash and is just jerking her around. One minute he's calling her a c*unt" and telling her he hates her. 

Then it's "I'm so sorry Honey, please forgive me, lets go out for dinner"

Yeah..that's great, until the NEXT time he needs to build himself up and put her down as a result. 

She's on a emotional rollercoaster as a result. How is she supposed to gather strength and self confidence and heal as a result of this BS? :scratchhead:

If he was literally smacking her around would you tell her to go to dinner and "talk"? Why is this emotional abuse any better? 

I'll tell you, in many ways it's WORSE. When someone hits you at least it's plain and clear what you should do. But when someone is tearing you up inside and each word is like knife wound in the heart and gut it isn't taken seriously and it hurts _just as much_.

She has to deal with her husband from a position of STRENGTH. The longer she is subjected to her husband's abuse, the longer it'll take for her to get the strength she needs.

She still loves and wants the guy and he's playing her like a violinist plays a fiddle. It's enough. SHE has to take control and call the shots. You say you used the 180 to help in your marriage yet you are telling her to do the EXACT opposite. Talking to and reasoning with this guy is not her answer. TODAY he's reasonable and calm and talks sense. TOMORROW he blows her and the kids off and goes off drinking with his buddies and is on the phone dissing her in front of them. Great! 

She needs to put distance between him and her and toss the ball FIRMLY in his court. Show him that she has changed and is dealing with him on HER terms. Then at least she'll get some peace and quiet and maybe he'll learn to regard her with some respect. Now he treats her like a child, a possession. She is being EMOTIONALLY abused. 

I know what this type of abuse is. I get it myself and the ONLY way to deal with it is to distance yourself, get a true perspective of what's going on and deal with it from an unemotionally point of view. If you are still wrapped up in hope and longing for the other person to love you, want you and are doing everything on your end to "make it right" it's NEVER going to work. 

It's a losing battle. SHE needs to dictate terms. 

Tell him "thanks, but no thanks" on the Wednesday dinner. OR tell him he can take the kids and YOU stay home. That would make a BIG statement, telling him that you are indeed SEPARATING yourself from him and YOU are calling the shots, not him. Right now it seems HE is calling all the shots and you are going along. 

Also, after this weekend with the birthday gathering I'd cut it back drastically. And stop taking his calls. Why do you keep answering the phone and talking to him? He knows how you feel now so move on and keep contact limited, civil and _and on your terms_. 

No war was ever won by capitulating to the enemy. That's called surrender. Don't do it.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

anx said:


> Apologizing is a big deal.


No it's not. Abusers do it ALL The time. It's not what is said but what is DONE. Let him prove himself with actions, not words. Enough talk!!

Let him stew in his own juices.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Freak, I may be seeing this totally wrong. I saw what her husband doing as something a man who is hurt, confused, trying to be "a man" would do. In my own story, I was so sure I was right due to the hurt my wife had given me that I couldn't see what I was doing anymore.

Maybe I totally missed it and didn't read carefully enough. I didn't see her husband as an abuser, but that not my history either. Again, maybe I totally missread and misunderstood what was going on. If I did, ignore what I said.

I guess the point I was trying to say was men do change. Even the stubborn, egotistical, and angry ones. When they do change it can be overnight. I think your headed down the right path AmImad with no contact and holding your ground.

Best of luck, and if I missed the mark, ignore what I said.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

anx said:


> Maybe I totally missed it and didn't read carefully enough. I didn't see her husband as an abuser, but that not my history either. Again, maybe I totally missread and misunderstood what was going on. If I did, ignore what I said.


not psychical abuse, mental abuse, just as bad, if not worse.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Thank you all for your advice, I had a long talk with my friend last night, discussed this at length.

I did say to my H, "It would be lovely to see you, but I don't think it would be a good idea, would just like to get through this weekend 1st"

When H and I were spending time together before it was really lovely, I felt we were heading in a positive direction, but then he knocked me down like I was a bowling pin.. It seems to be a bit of a pattern with him I've noticed, that when I am doing well, he will build me up and then knock me down... 

Anx, if my H is really starting to realise, then that's great, when he asked us out on Wednesday, I politely refused, I think if I had got angry and said "No F'n way, not after the way you treated me" or something like that, I think it would have done some damage, but I didn't. He knows I want him, he knows what he has to do to get there, if I was just to give in straight away, he'll think it's because I am desperate to have him back, all is forgiven and he can walk over me when he wants.

I'd like to think if he really is realising and he is missing me etc... he won't be detered by me saying "No thank you" He'll just try again..

Freak;* It's not what is said but what is DONE. Let him prove himself with actions, not words. Enough talk!!* The only thing that does worry me, is that my H is so bloody stubborn and proud maybe this was his 'action' that was his step forward. For all of our 15 year relationship he said sorry a handful of times, but he would make an effort afterwards...

Yesterday, he said "Sorry" he said he doesn't want to argue any more, he's not said this before.. he had told me the night before he didn't want to spend time with me, but now he is asking too? 

... I told him all about my health, I declined his invitation, I left it with him to think about..

I got at txt at 00:25 saying "Realised at about 8 having spoken to you that I didn't call the kids.. will give them a shout in the morning"

I don't know why he waited to txt them and not send me a msg when he realised?! But he didn't say anything else, he didn't say thank you for talking to me, or I would like you to re-consider Wednesday, I would like to see you.. So I am now more inclined to think it's part of his power game 


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ARRRGGH I'm sat constantly thinking about this now, this IS the first effort that he has made, he could have just called me up and asked to take the kids out to dinner, but no, he invited me too...

NO, sticking to my guns if he wants me, he'll try harder, he already knows I love him, we are going to spend the weekend together, if he is 'realising' this behaviour will be different and I'll know. 

Thank you everyone for being here for me, I wish I could hug each and everyone of you, the sad thing is we've been brought together on here for such horrible reasons


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Crankshaw said:


> not psychical abuse, mental abuse, just as bad, if not worse.


That's right! :iagree: And as someone who has gone through mental/emotional abuse for the last 20 years, heck..if you count my wonderful parents, my entire life! I know mental abuse when I read about it. It stinks! It's better to get a smack upside the head. At least then you know where you stand and what to do. 

Anx, you need to look up what mental abuse is. Some call it "verbal" abuse. Mental abuse is like a dog being put on a chain and yanked around, kicked and then suddenly you get "good doggie" and a treat is given to you and as soon as you lift up your head and wag your tail it's back to the chain yanking. 

AmIMad's husband is no "man". He might be confused and hurt but a MAN doesn't lash out and abuse a woman who is sick, the mother of his children and someone who is obviously still in love and still cares about him. A man doesn't blow off his kids to go out drinking with his buddies. That's what an immature CHILD does. It's what a BULLY does. My 13 year old son is more of a MAN than her husband is! When I'm feeling down he doesn't ADD to my sadness..he gives me a hug!

This guy makes MY husband look like a saint! When I had to go to court yesterday for a traffic violation he came with me to be supportive and throughout it all he sat and held my hand. When he fell down a few weeks ago and knocked himself out cold he woke up confused and called me at midnight and asked me to come over and I went right over! And we are going through a TON of crap too! But that's what ADULTS do despite their crap. They are compassionate and have empathy for each other. You don't kick someone who is already lying on the ground!

AmIMad is dealing with CANCER and he's kicking her to the ground and stomping on her! He deserves NOTHING. No dinners, no texts back, no conversation beyond what is absolutely necessary. NOTHING until he figures out that he can't play this game of being nice one minute and being an a-hole the next. That's what CHILDREN do!! Good parenting dictates that you STOP this in children and you don't tolerate it in adults!

Anx, I think you've had a very different situation with your wife and I congratulate you and wish you the best of luck but unfortunately I think AmIMad is dealing with a totally different type of animal/situation. She is being mentally abused and she needs to protect herself so she can be strong, get well and be there for her kids. Her husband is off in mid-life crisis land or whatever playing teenage boy and she needs to get him off her back. He's giving her NOTHING in the way of support or friendship. Instead, he's ADDING to her stress. The last thing she needs is more stress. She needs to get away from him because HE is the main source of her stress. 

So that's why I say NC is the way to go. Be polite, be cordial but for crissakes don't spend time with him, don't chat with him and keep your head up high and think about yourself and the kids FIRST.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

@ crank and freak, I meant emotional abuser in my other post. I do know what is it and means and had family members that went though it in a failed marriage. 

From what I read, I saw her husband as a stubborn, hurt, confused guy trying to be "a man" and making stupid choices. I guess there is a line between someone being an stubborn a$$hole and an emotional abuser, and I'm not the one to make that call.

@ Freak, I think you are also seeing this story from the eyes of your own and seem mad at me for seeing this differently. I do have another set of experiences than you and I tried to help amimad the best I could. I said I very well might be wrong on the emotional abuse part.



> He deserves NOTHING. No dinners, no texts back, no conversation beyond what is absolutely necessary. NOTHING until he figures out that he can't play this game of being nice one minute and being an a-hole the next.


 I think your right in this, but at the same time as having low/no contact, there needs to be room to reconnect. 



> The only thing that does worry me, is that my H is so bloody stubborn and proud maybe this was his 'action' that was his step forward. For all of our 15 year relationship he said sorry a handful of times, but he would make an effort afterwards...


 I hope this is a first step.



> ARRRGGH I'm sat constantly thinking about this now, this IS the first effort that he has made, he could have just called me up and asked to take the kids out to dinner, but no, he invited me too...
> 
> NO, sticking to my guns if he wants me, he'll try harder, he already knows I love him, we are going to spend the weekend together, if he is 'realising' this behaviour will be different and I'll know.


 This sounds like the right plan.

Best of luck.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

anx said:


> @ Freak, I think you are also seeing this story from the eyes of your own and seem mad at me for seeing this differently. I do have another set of experiences than you and I tried to help amimad the best I could. I said I very well might be wrong on the emotional abuse part.


Nah, I'm not mad at you. I'm just strident. It's just the way I am.  No worries. Forums are for the free and open exchange of ideas and opinions and it's only natural that people are going to differ. It's all good. I don't take posts that don't agree to me personally. :smthumbup:


But I can relate to AmIMad's situation so I guess I am seeing it through my own eyes. Doesn't everyone? You've had a successful reconciliation (or are on the verge of one as I understand it) so you have a different perspective. A more hopeful one. 

I'm more cynical. I've been emotionally abused for 20 year then my husband and I supposedly "reconciled" and I finally got the marriage I'd always envisioned and then he becomes an alcoholic and it not only falls apart but gets WORSE. Yeah, call me cynical. 

I see a man who might well be hurting, confused, etc but IMO that's no excuse to be cruel and abusive to a woman who is the mother of his children, is obviously still in love with him and is sick to boot. I think he's pretty disgusting and don't think he should get a pass. 

The reason I say NC is not to get him back but that SHE can get a break and a chance to heal. He might also figure out that she's not going to take his BS anymore and change his attitude, who knows? That would be icing on the cake too.


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