# Someone, please give me an opinion



## BlueDude (Aug 10, 2009)

First, hi! I'm new, kinda wish it hadn't come to me ending up posting something like this here but such is life...

I've been married 5 years, no kids, before we got married the sex was great and regular... I ****ed up though, I was going through a bad time at work and so on, not trying to excuse it because I know I was wrong, but basically I got to a point where I started losing interest in sex and got quite neglectful, maybe for 6 months or so.

Anyway, pretty much as soon as we got married our roles reversed, we had a nice break on the honeymoon and I got re-invigorated, she completely lost interest in me physically though, she would *never* initiate sexual contact, turn her head away when I went to kiss her, the usual stuff you've read in a hundred other posts on this board. It sucked, but I figured I deserved it so what right did I have to complain?

This went on for 3 years, we had various problems throughout this time - my work was still really high pressure and I never knew how long it would last, she would get a job for a few months, stop going one day, and then spend the next several months just killing time online as I stressed out about not being able to pay the bills if my work dried up. We're both pretty bad about chores and that didn't improve with her having more spare time, I'd be working all day and fending for myself at night and this led to more tension in our relationship (from my perspective - the 'two sides to every story' thing applies, I'm sure, and I could ALWAYS stand to be better about housework myself. I'm not trying to dodge my share of the blame in any of this, I'm human, and I've grown a lot as a person since we first met)

Anyway, a couple of years ago she looked up an old flame (who is now also married) She says now that there's no way she would ever have wanted to be with him, but the way she talked about him before looking him up painted a different picture. Anyway, long story short the two are inseparable now, he doesn't live anywhere near here so it's not like they hang out in person, but she's in pretty much constant contact with him otherwise, I only see what I see when I'm here, but they certainly spend hours talking online most evenings, text each other etc. They're 'best friends forever', I'm told. I'm also told he gives her something she just plain can't get from me. There have been many things said over the past 2 years which have cut deep for me - like a few weeks back I had one of my worst weeks ever at work and was a complete wreck by Friday night, I asked her to do [shared hobby] with me and she shrugged it off, then when the guy came online she was all over him to get him into some [same shared hobby] since "you're the one who's had a terrible week". Hell, she's sitting across the room chatting to him as I'm typing this up 

To make things clear, yes I ****ed up early in our relationship, and the first couple of years of our marriage were tough (shared blame), but for the longest time, as far as I'm aware I've been doing everything right, and making serious amends for my (relatively minor) mistakes. If she is out of allergy pills and has an allergy attack at 2am while I'm fast asleep recharging the batteries for a hellacious day at work the next day, I get my **** together and go find a shop where I can get her pills. She gets whatever she wants whenever she wants it, I do whatever she wants whenever she wants it, I would also (until recently - I'm losing the will to try) shower her in affection, always make sure to compliment her when she was feeling insecure and yeah I've basically done the whole thing, but to no avail.

Here we are now, it's been months since we slept together, it was months before that, and months before that. We've discussed the sex thing, the other guy, but she doesn't want to hear any of it. Occasionally we'd talk about sex and she would say "ok, let's make sure to do it on a schedule" or "x times a week" but twice over the next week was literally the most we ever did, it would then drop to 'I'm going to go to sleep, you can grab a breast and play with yourself' a couple of times, then nothing for months (until we talked and it escalated into a fight, basically)

As I say we've talked at length, I'm a pretty laid back guy, but when I talk to her about the other dude she just blows up instantly and it turns into all-out war right there and then, that's the reason I'm posting this here instead of talking to her - believe me I'd far rather discuss it with her, I feel like I'm going to lose my ****ing mind over the whole thing but I know if I try to talk to her it'll be world war III, and I know my perspective on it's got me in an unhealthy place mentally and unable to see the whole thing rationally so I just need someone to give me an objective opinion.

Oh one more thing, I talked to her about the sex thing numerous times (as I mentioned above) but I guess she talked to a friend online who told her that women just lose their sex drive altogether in their late 20s and not to worry about it because it'll be back with a vengeance later. This is 5 years later now and the situation is worse than ever, I've asked her if she'll see a doctor but that just caused fights, it's not a problem that really affects her ('not wanting something' isn't particularly torturous, as I understand it) so it seems like it's something that will fix itself over time, or won't, and I'll be a helpless bystander no matter the outcome. I think in the 5 years we've been married she's initiated things with me three times. I get rejected 100% of the time if I try to do things the old fashioned way (romance, building up - she's not interested in that at all), so the only way it ever works is if I ask her "hey can we have sex?" and I get rejected a lot that way too, or told "yeah sure later" only 'later' never comes. Very infrequently I'll ask and we'll do it, but ****, I can't do asking for sex from someone who's obviously got no interest in it.

So there we are. Someone want to try and explain to me WTF is going on and what I can try to make our weird, room-mate style relationship back into an intimate coupling? Or, I guess, tell me how I'm being a bastard and wronging my wife?

What's the word for it when the woman you married counts another man as her best friend, you don't have any kind of intimate physical relationship and don't feel safe to talk about what's upsetting you?

Is this situation really as ****ed up as it seems?

Am I just being a **** and blowing things out of proportion because I'm not getting any?

Is it selfish of me to feel hard-done-by because I struggle to get any sexually intimate time with my wife? I love sex, I'd do it all the time if I could, but it's not just about satisfying carnal urges, it's about the whole thing - the closeness, bonding etc. I don't think that stuff being missing from our relationship makes her friendship with the guy any easier for me to deal with.

Gah, any advice is appreciated


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

Sounds like she is having an emotional affair (EA) with the person she is chatting to. My advice is take some time to write down your feelings about how she doesnt show enough affection, doesnt return kisses or hugs and doesnt like to have sex and how it makes you feel. Then, wait a couple days and have a sit down chat with her about what you wrote. DO NOT bring up how you hate the guy. For now, this isnt about him. This is about You and She.

If that doesnt help fix your problem then suggest a therapist. I hate therapists. Seriously. Waste of time. Anyway, after that and nothing changes you can be pretty sure that the reason she doesnt want to be intimate with you is because she wants to be intimate with the other guy. Yah...back to him. Now, the quickest way to get results is to explain to her that its going to be no other guy and sex with her husband or its divorce time. Then atleast you'll know where you stand. If she agree's then your good. If she gets mad and says who the hell do you think you are...then you should have her served with divorce papers.



John


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

I'll go with nothingman's closing statement dude.

This sounds like a train wreck! Sorry to say. Sounds like you're just existing in this relationship, going through the motions.

You need to try one last ditch effort to stay together if you both truly love each other, marriage counselling. 

If nothing changes then move on with your life without her. 
You sound seriously unhappy man.

Some women, mine included need more attention then we can offer. Like constant attention. If they don't get it, they wonder and you're the worst person in the world. Tension builds and everything turns into a wreck.

But you know what the funny thing is, they'll go elsewhere to get it, end up marrying some dude who will shower them with affection for the first two years then it'll be boring days in the affection department again. 

Good Luck.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

I bet the reason she doesn't have sex with you is because she only has sex with people she wants something from. She had good sex with you befor you were married because she wanted a husband and had to keep you interested so you would marry her. Now she has you and she has learned you will make due with "grab a tit and beat off" (jebus my wife at least rolls on her side so I can do her in the a$$ while she falls asleep), so why should she have sex with you, she doesn't want anything from you anymore. From the sounds of it you pay the bills and clean the house and let her chat with her boyfriend all day.

She wants to have sex with this other guy because she thinks it will mean he will continue to give her attention. Sadly she is wrong, as soon as she sleeps with this guy they will loose interest in eash other and have to find other people to get thier kicks from.

Look my wife did about this same thing to me, only the dude was close enough to come visit his family around here once in a while. I thought I was showing I wasn't a jelous a$$hole by not cutting things off or monitoring too closely thier relationship. And let me tell you she wanted to do things for him she had refused to do for me for 5 years. I came really close to loosing my wife and family over it. I had to change what I did, she changed her attitude about how she was gonna be with other guys, and we worked through it. 

I was totally ready to leave at several points though, and I had to actively try to make it work because I love my woman and I didn't want to leave her and my kids with the kind of life us seperating would have ment. But had my wife ever made like she would really give me up for him I would have left her no matter what the consequences. 

You need to make like you are gonna leave and see if she is willing at all to try to save your relationship. If she isn't then take her computer and give it to a divorce attourney to see if they can find anything that would give you more favorable grounds for divorce. If she is willing to try to get you to stay then start talking to her about what she needs and what you need.


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## BlueDude (Aug 10, 2009)

Thanks guys, John I've read some of your posts elsewhere on this forum and I dig your style 

I'm interested in hearing opinions of other women too, especially those who are in a similar situation (low libido) to my wife. 

I'm not entirely sure it's an emotional affair, I'm all messed up in the head over this and my first post was obviously long enough without going into the ins and outs (no pun intended) but I don't think there's a romantic bond between the two of them. I've met him and like him, and I don't think there's anything there, although I do worry that something could develop over time (yeah, she's talking to him now - yay!)

I obviously do have a really hard time keeping my head straight because I'm so deprived in the sex department. To flesh out the picture a bit though - we've got the whole "sex issues" thing going on, and that sucks for me, she's not interested in making any kind of strides to resolve it either through a doctor's visit, compromise, whatever. Personally I feel selfishness plays a part, I hate to say it because I don't like speaking ill of my wife, but we pretty much just do the things she wants to do on a schedule she dictates (not just sex, everything) but like I say my head's in a mess over the lack of intimacy so take it with a pinch of salt - I'm anything but objective, and openly admit it.

One thing I'd like to mention and get feedback on is that recently my interest in intimacy has waned, I put this down to being deprived of it, over time I guess I'm just giving up - a lot of the posts here have really hit home with me, people saying they feel suicidal, or like getting divorced etc. OK I'm not about to do something so drastic, but I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought "this isn't living, **** spending the next ~50 years dealing with this kind of mental anguish".

But yeah, those years of rejection and neglect... I don't know, it's pretty effective aversion therapy, so I've started doing... I don't know, honestly I have no idea. Am I losing interest in her? I don't think I am, aside from the obvious (to me at least) massive, glaring issues in our relationship, I really do love her and we get on great. But the lack of intimacy is definitely putting distance between us, it's little things like holding her hand when we're out walking - I never used to think about it, but take today - we went into town together and it didn't even cross my mind until we were there, stuff that used to be completely natural I'm having to make conscious decisions on.

She's noticed this, of course, and it hurts her - in bed I don't really have an inclination to cuddle up and spoon like I used to, I just see the bedroom as a place we watch TV and sleep. She doesn't cope fantastically with a lack of intimacy (ironically) and has recently accused me of cheating, not finding her attractive any more, not being interested in her etc. etc.

I don't know how to take all that, obviously I'm happy that I matter in some way, and have been making an effort in that regard - consciously deciding to hold her hand, spoon, give her kisses (pecks on the top of the head of course - we just plain don't kiss passionately ) but that just stirs up my latent issues about sexual intimacy - it's not difficult to make an effort to let her know I still love her, and I wouldn't dream of just leaving her hanging and letting her think she wasn't important to her, but that's all a one-way street, apparently :/



mrnice said:


> This sounds like a train wreck! Sorry to say. Sounds like you're just existing in this relationship, going through the motions.
> 
> You need to try one last ditch effort to stay together if you both truly love each other, marriage counselling.


Thanks, it kinda feels like a train wreck too!

I'd love to go to counselling, we've talked about it in the past, but to be honest I'm scared to bring it up - other than the **** that's bothering me we're pretty happy (I think?) and I just don't know how to start that conversation without it becoming a huge fight. I guess it's a sign that I'm so loathe to communicate with her, but I've tried over and over, and it *always* turns into a big fight. She blames a discrepancy in our star signs, I think that's a load of hokum personally (I have friends the same sign and literally never experience conflict with anybody else I'm close to) but there you go - I don't want to talk to her about the sex, I don't want to talk to her about her friend, and I don't want to suggest counselling.

Put the blame on me for that if you want (I probably deserve it) but I just can't face any more big wars about this stuff.

Hah, and as if on cue... 

She just blew up at me after I typed that. I made an offhand comment about a movie she just put on with an actor she's obsessed with (she's been going through his whole career lately) guess I'm getting my war regardless.

For ****'s sake. I was going to respond to you as well Gomez but I'd better go face the music.

**** it, **** it, **** it, I hate my life


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## BlueDude (Aug 10, 2009)

Well, just an update if anybody is interested. I took the advice above and wrote my wife a letter - 3 pages - I was very honest about how I felt and just put the whole thing out there. I didn't attack her over anything, just let her know I loved her and how I felt about what was going on.

So, we had a bit of a fight about that, she skimmed through it when she got up (I had a plans with a friend this day and figured giving her a few hours to mull things over before we spoke again would be for the best) so she skimmed it, missed the point and attacked me. I blew off my plans for the day and went home to try to smooth things over.

The conversation that followed was good, I had refused to fight about it over the phone and told her I would go straight home so we could have the talk we needed to have in a loving, comfortable environment, we lay in bed hugging as we discussed the ruins of our relationship and I thought it was a good talk! We both put our grievances out there and agreed to do our best, slept together later that day, and again the next day.

You probably already know what's coming next 

So the peace and harmony and "let's meet in the middle" thing didn't last long, we trundled on for a couple of months but aside from those first two days, I was the only one who really made any effort to improve.

Things started to come to a head a little over a week ago. I just couldn't handle being "the other guy" in my own marriage any more so I spilled my guts about her "friend" - how unhappy it made me that he continually tells her he loves her, that she had graduated to lying in bed beside me chatting with him on her iPhone, that she said she needed things from him she couldn't get from me, that she's keen to do things I enjoy with him but not me, etc etc etc. It also came up after I wrote the letter that this guy had had a (physical) affair with another woman a few years ago, so it all got on top of me and I talked to her about it. She didn't really want to hear the things I had to say and got quite defensive about some of it but I told her I couldn't do it any more and he had to go. She agreed, with a "i understand, marriage comes first"

So, a few days later and the guy's only "gone" in the sense that she doesn't speak to him while I'm there - although I'm pretty sure they still chat the rest of the time (she asked if she could not unfriend him to avoid awkwardness - I said yes, hell I don't want to control who she talks to, even if the guy does all these things, I just can't handle them _in this context_)

A few days after this, we had my parents over for dinner, less than 60 seconds in the door, my Mrs took a huge (verbal) swipe at my mum for absolutely no reason. We went through to the kitchen to sort out food and I GENTLY pointed out that what just happened was out of line. That earned me a stern look and a "we need to talk"

The talk came later that night. Long story short she told me she should have dropped the other man as soon as it started bothering me, she also told me I was being every bit the man she wanted me to be, and that she was sorry but she takes me completely for granted, she doesn't know how to change, and it's selfish to keep me around just because she likes me being there. She wants to separate, seeing that as the only way we can salvage this (her hope being she misses me and figures out her side of thing in my absence).

She tells me she loves me, she's become a bit needy for affection, but I see this as a bad sign. I've got serious déjà vu, I think this has happened to me in a relationship before, where the person I'm with just doesn't feel that way about me and that kind of change happens because they feel guilty and mournful of the upcoming loss.*

These things happen, such is life. I'm just trying to stay as upbeat as possible, get out asap, and leaving what happens next for another day.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a little bit empty inside right now  *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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