# No Alone Time (with child)



## LoveLonely (Dec 8, 2013)

Hello,

I am engaged to a woman with a young child. We are both divorced, and my child is now an adult, hundreds of miles away in college. We live together and have been in this relationship for more than two years. We are both madly in love with one other, have learned from our past mistakes, grown as individuals, and are very open and honest, share feelings, want the same basic things, etc. My favorite thing to do is cuddle with her and talk. I love spending all of my time with her. She feels the same.

When we first got together, we spent lots of time with each other as parental responsibilities were shared between her and the father. We were both stuck in a small town, getting back on our feet. Eventually, we had to move to a city. Not a city of our choosing, but a close city so that there could be shared time with both the child and both parents. We both are over educated with obscure degrees, making career changes, dealing with a mediocre city and a poor economy. We are both lucky to have jobs.

Now, for reasons beyond our control, there simply isn't any alone time. The child is with us except for every other weekend. Even every other Friday night leaves us tired and drained after long working days and a 3 hour round trip commute just to get the weekend to ourselves. 

My fiance needs lots of sleep. She works 10 hour days with nearly an hour commute. She is up at 5:30 everyday now. I take her child to school. I pick him up at the end of an after school program because my fiance can't get to him in time because of her long work and commute. By the time she comes in the door, spends a little time with her son, then it is his bedtime. I am starved for attention, and often all I want to do is at least talk. She often falls asleep.

Weekends are very difficult. Because we don't have any together time, it makes it very difficult for me to play "family." I don't have the energy for it because there is no balance in my life. It has gotten to the point that all I really look forward to anymore is every other Saturday night. And by the time that every other Saturday rolls around, I am starting to resent it to where I can't even enjoy that.

We are spread very thin. What little time we have together is spent on Saturday nights getting active and getting to know people in a particular social community. This is very good. Because we are new in town, this has become a priority. Neither one of us wants to stop these engagements.

But it isn't enough. There are other things I like to do. I like to simply go for walks ALONE WITH HER. Maybe catch some dinner, a movie, a coffee shop, window shop, ALONE WITH HER. There are occasional classic music concerts, art galleries, jazz clubs, theater, or just simply getting to know people in a local bar. I have sacrificed all of these things because our alone time is spread so thin.

I don't want to be alone all day and night. After a hard days work, I want to be able to spend quality time ALONE with my fiance. If I new that we could (maybe one or two times a week) be able to do something (or even do NOTHING but ALONE with each other), it would make it far, far easier to play the "family" game. 

I am so hurt, I don't know what to do. Yesterday (a Saturday) finally came to a boiling point when I put her son to bed, and came back into the room while she had a 3 hour phone conversation. To be fair, this was a VERY IMPORTANT phone conversations that needed to happen. But she couldn't wait a few minutes? The call dropped a handful of times. Even then, she sat in silence with me just waiting, and waiting, and waiting. Not the way I enjoy spending Saturday nights, or ANY nights for that matter. And after the conversation? It was like pulling teeth to get 2 or 3 sentences out of her. Once I got up because I assumed she fell asleep just sitting there in silence. After I realized that she wasn't asleep, I apologized and tried to continue the conversation. More silence. Then she got angry at me and went to bed. She said that she was done talking with me.

I wrote her an email that had similar accounts as I have put here. I explained that I can't do this anymore and that I deserve to be treated better. I threw my engagement ring across the room. I went into our bedroom, and started packing my things. She didn't say a word to try to stop me. She let me go out the door, as I was prepared to drive somewhere, anywhere. I ended up getting late night food and coming back home, only to find that she had checked and read the email, and still made no effort to stop me. When I came home, the bedroom door was locked. (To be fair, it is a complicated door that must be locked to keep an annoying cat out). 

I don't know what to do. Most, maybe all, of these difficult life circumstances are not her fault. If we simply had time and money, things would be so much better. We wouldn't have to work stupid hours. We would have time and money to do things, pay sitters, etc. I feel like I am in a prison. And I miss her so much. Sometimes, she is right here, and I miss her so much. We can't ever just be alone. I just want to be with her. On the other hand, I feel like a pathetic and weak person for not being smart enough to see that it just can't work for us. It isn't that anyone is at fault, it is just that I don't see how we can keep living like this.

Thanks for listening.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I'm sorry you two are struggling. I will say, though, there's really nothing that can be done but weather this storm if you plan to stay together. I assume it's not possible for her to share 50-50 custody with her ex?

If you are going to break off your engagement, well, you still won't get that alone time with her that you are so desperate for, you know. You'll need to get over your heartbreak and then try to fall as madly in love with someone else...who may or may not have other issues if not children.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

LoveLonely said:


> Hello,
> 
> 
> Now, for reasons beyond our control, there simply isn't any alone time.


It sounds like you're in the kind of situation that erodes many marriages and leads to the "we just grew apart" scenario. 

But you're both making a grave mistake with the kind of thinking I quoted you on. The reasons are not beyond your control! You are choosing to accept what's being handed to you instead of taking a proactive approach that prioritizes your relationship as more important than... the money, the other parent's time with child, etc. (Speaking of, why bother locating yourselves if the other parent doesn't spend more than just two weekends a month with the kid?) 

It may be time for a sit-down to ask yourselves what kind of future you want to PLAN for yourselves. Make that plan, and then figure out what steps are necessary to make it happen. Finally, take action on those steps. 

One thing you can do immediately is have an agreement to spend at least ten minutes a day of uninterrupted time together. It may not sound like much, but if you eliminate distractions like televisions, phones, and kiddos, that ten minutes can go a long way. Spend it chatting, making out, having a quickie, or just cuddling, but make it a point to let each other know that the relationship deserves ten minutes a day of focused attention on each other.


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## LoveLonely (Dec 8, 2013)

Wow, two great replies in such a short amount of time! I am so glad I found this place! Norajane, you are correct. It would TRULY be miserable without her. That implies that we have to figure this out. I just don't know exactly how yet. I will keep thinking and reading. Kathy, yes I can understand how this can erode a marriage. To make it WORSE, I am very sensitive thus creating a very painful erosion.


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## LoveLonely (Dec 8, 2013)

Also, 50-50 custody is not possible. He lives an hour and a half away in some small town. Besides, (not in general but specific to us) all of that 50-50 bouncing back and forth was very hard on the child. He has more stability now that since I've known him. The father can see his child ANYTIME he wants. So far, he chooses not to. I didn't really expect that he would only see his son every other weekend, but that is what it has turned out to be. And that is good, because it gives her son a chance to see HIS OWN friends that live here instead of having to go away every single weekend. Further, I don't mind being a positive role model in his life, but it is hard when I am not getting what I need out of the relationship.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Like everyone with kids, you'll have to sit down together and look for alternatives: alternatives to work schedules, alternatives to day care schedules, etc. 

You made some decisions and some moves and they didn't pan out as well as you wanted them to. So you will need to tweak things and/or make more drastic changes. 

Does the child have any friends? Is it possible that the child could go home with a friend one evening a week for dinner, or even have an occasional sleepover with a friend? The friend's mom (or dad, or caregiver/guardian) could be compensated, like a form of day care, but one that's a win-win for the child. You could also swap off, if $ is an issue, and given that this situation would be better than what you already have. 

As you know, kids have a way of growing up! So this too shall pass. On the other hand, enjoy the kid while you can, because given your schedules and life situation with career, etc. you probably won't be having any more.

If the kid is old enough, you could also consider a sleep-away camp for a week during the summer, and take a few days of your own vacations at that point.

I don't date because I have my kids most of the time except for every other weekend. I can't give a guy the time I know he would probably want. I'd have to be super-accountable for my time in order to make time together during the weeks and weekends my kids aren't with their dad, and it would be too stressful. My kids would also feel like I wanted to be with someone else (new) over them. So I just don't even consider that. I put on my dating profile that it's for a part-time friend only for the next decade, if it develops into a LTR that's great but not doing the domestic thing til my kids are grown, if ever. 

Be careful if you want your relationship to last. As you can see from what I posted, dealing with a partner when you are responsible for a kid and a job can be quite stressful internally, and the dependency added by having your partner pick up your kid or pinch hit because you're working and commuting might seem to lessen the stress, but it adds to it because you feel like you can't really cause a stir by bringing up things that bother you because then your arrangements for your kid-work situation will fall apart. 
It may be that she's truly giving all that she can, and feels cornered because of the child care situation with the pick-up in the evening.

EVERYTHING is within your control. Don't ever say "for reasons beyond our control." People have died to give us choices.


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## LoveLonely (Dec 8, 2013)

Thanks Homemaker. I carefully read your post and will read it many more times. However, you bring out a very interesting point that adds to the difficulties. You wrote, "I don't date because I have my kids most of the time except for every other weekend. I can't give a guy the time I know he would probably want. I'd have to be super-accountable for my time in order to make time together during the weeks and weekends my kids aren't with their dad, and it would be too stressful. My kids would also feel like I wanted to be with someone else (new) over them. So I just don't even consider that."

I want to preface and be clear on two things. 1. Yes, I am having difficulty with the family time because we have no alone time. 2. I can enjoy family time together and am willing to give that.

Having said that, the weekends we are all together is turning into a nightmare for me. I keep my distance from my fiance because there is this 3-way energy in the house. If I get close to my fiance, he wants to come between us. I don't want him resenting me. I want him to grow up being able to say, "That man was good to me. He respected both my father and mother. He was a good role model for me but he always respected the parents." 

I have to give my fiance her space for the sake of her son. In turn, I believe she gets her feelings hurt because I give her space. Her ex was an emotionally checked out individual. I am just the opposite. It is very PAINFUL to give her space when we are all three together, but I know it is for the best. Further, it is very difficult for all three of us to be together when I feel the relationship is hurting.

And you are correct on something else: we both need each other. She depends on my to get her son to and from school. We both depend on each other, barely scraping by week to week. She is a great individual and we are both in a very unfortunate and painful circumstance. She IS doing all she can do and I am not blaming her. Regardless, look what happened last night. We are both at our wits end. We were both at our wits end before we ever met.

We have to figure out how to create the time NOW. We are middle aged, and are both wanting to do things we should have done 20 years ago. We have both brought out the best in one another, discovered things about ourselves we didn't even know. It can be a wonderful journey. We need to figure out how to start taking it.


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## LoveLonely (Dec 8, 2013)

Okay, so this takes the cake. I have looked forward to our weekend (we only have every other one, and crazy schedules make for zero alone time through the other days). 

So I get up early to take her son to school. I pick him up from school and make the 3 plus hour commute just so we can begin our weekend. As usual, we are both too tired and have to fight to make ourselves get out of the house. Further, even with me making the commute (for the sake of us starting our weekend earlier), it is still too late for many things allotting time for her to get cleaned up and ready from her long day at work.

So I found a jazz club. I've never been to the club (we are new in town), and the act was honestly one that I could take or leave. However, with our ridiculous schedule, we don't exactly get to decide. The important thing was, it was one of the few nights we have. We ended up both falling asleep at 10:30. The next morning, she woke up super early. I tried to get back to sleep but couldn't.

For the first time, we actually had a chance to talk about all of this. She says that I am not telling her anything that she doesn't know and that she is tired of hearing it. Most of the day was spent in silent treatment and hurt feelings. About 8:30 pm, we finally started coming around and listening to each other. I made the terrible mistake of asking if she would like to lay in the bed and cuddle for a few minutes. In just a few minutes she was snoring. She didn't make up until 3am. Now, Saturday night (the BIG night with our social group where we actually had plans) was ruined. To be fair, I told her that with us in such a bad place, I didn't really want to go to that particular event, however it sucks that we only get to go twice a month and it sucks that that is all we get to do. I wanted to do SOMETHING, but maybe not that. Something. Anything.

When she finally wakes up at 3am she tries to pretend everything is normal. I am sitting here alone on a Saturday night until 3am. When she gets up, she starts cleaning the house and doing all of these non urgent things. She tells me that I should go to bed.

Insulted, I say, "no thanks, I will sleep on the couch." I never get to sleep. And she never stops cleaning. It is 11am this Sunday morning and it is still going on. Her son will be here this early evening, I have had NO weekend, and two more weeks of hell awaiting me.

My feelings are so hurt, it makes me just want to go do my own thing, to INCLUDE two weeks from now when we have our "alone" time. 

I am WELL into middle age. In my PAST marriage, I married a high school sweetheart that thought we were old at 25. I want to have some fun. My daughter is grown now, and I don't EVER remember a time when we didn't find a healthy balance and protect our alone time. And here I sit, with what LITTLE time we have, and she is finding pidly work around the house. I am so hurt. :-(


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

This may sound weird but I think you are making too much of the weekends you have alone with her.

Let's face it, you are both spread very thin. Now, couples should spend quality time together, I agree, or the relationship will suffer. But I think maybe you are not actually agreeing on what that quality time will constitute.

If you are having a serious heart to heart and then go to lie on the bed and she immediately falls asleep she must be absolutely exhausted! 

How about having a serious heart to heart with her about what you should do. I appreciate you want to feel young and do fun stuff, but honestly, if you are both too tired to enjoy it there is no point. How about renting a movie or three, ordering food in and having a snuggly day in on the couch once in a while?

Does the boy ever spend any extended holiday time with his father? If not, he should.

Also, you have said you are giving your fiancée space to spend time with her son but she does not react well to this. Why not? Have you not told her explicitly what you are doing and why? Are you really doing it for their benefit or are you doing it for yours, because you have done the child thing and don't really want to be saddled with all this family stuff yet again? (I don't blame you if that is how you feel; I would feel exactly the same way. But if it is the case, you need to own it before you can deal with it.)

It seems that there are a lot of resentments getting brushed under the rug here.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Strategy. Next time you have to make that 3 hour commute to drop off the kid, go to dinner on the way back, maybe a place that has music or something. Get coffees en route, put on a book tape for the kid, or play some kind of road game, like alphabet (you get letters from the signs, trying to get to "Z"...) If you have to make this trip, make the most of it. You're both already out and on the road...

You can vary it...maybe one time you go to the movies on the way back. I've had popcorn and candy for dinner before, and lived to tell the tale ;-) Some movie theatres even have dinner options now, and even sell wine or beer. 

Keep it casual though, so no pressure...

If you're really strapped for $, pack a picnic and a Thermos, and on the way home stop at places with good views that you've scoped out, even if you stop for a 20-minute dinner out of a cooler, it's still dinner out.


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

no no no, don't sleep on the couch!
...
 My husband and i have a one year old child who sleeps on the same bed as us. regardless that, we always try to touch one another (hug with toddler in the middle, footsie, spooning while the toddler breastfeed.) we had to adapt our time for having sex... 
..
my point is, get used to the idea that you may not get Alone Time as much as you like and find joy knowing your s.o is still alive. i have been there.. wanting alone time with husband... But am now at peace after realizing that alone time is over rated. "success is getting what you want. happiness is WANTing what you have." 


... .. .. most important of all, tell her what you want and how u feel. i had to cry and pull long face before my husband tried to schedule dating time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

You and her have NOT so good communication skills and little conflict resolution skills. most likely this was caused by your childhood experience.


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

1.what do you want to achieve from Alone Time?

2. what other ways and time can you and wife do to achieve the above answer? be specific, not generic.

3. have you share this with her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_



...
..

i used to put "clean house" above " family time". i got my priority wrong. 

when did i realize? after having a talk with my mum.

all you need to say to your s.o,
"darling, i dont mind if the house is a little messy. i am more happy if you relax and spend time with me.. than having a clean house" 

" darling, leave it, come watch tv with me. it's ok, come here!"while you smile and extend your arms lovingly"


like the saying goes, 
" women are not mind readers"

and even if she doesnt respond positively, it is most likely due to the influence of her childhood and parents...be patient.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You need to find a woman with grown kids, or no kids. You clearly resent your fiances son. "two weeks of hell". Really? Wow.

I married my husband when I was 40. I'd never been married and have no children of my own. I am now stepmum to his 9 year old daughter and I love her to bits. Even when we've had to cancel plans of ours because she was sick/her mother was sick and we had to take her - whatever. It's called parenting.

You've already raised your kids, I get that - your fiance has not. You might be better off with another woman.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

LoveLonely said:


> For the first time, we actually had a chance to talk about all of this. She says that I am not telling her anything that she doesn't know and that she is tired of hearing it. Most of the day was spent in silent treatment and hurt feelings. About 8:30 pm, we finally started coming around and listening to each other. I made the terrible mistake of asking if she would like to lay in the bed and cuddle for a few minutes. In just a few minutes she was snoring. She didn't make up until 3am. Now, Saturday night (the BIG night with our social group where we actually had plans) was ruined. To be fair, I told her that with us in such a bad place, I didn't really want to go to that particular event, however it sucks that we only get to go twice a month and it sucks that that is all we get to do. I wanted to do SOMETHING, but maybe not that. Something. Anything.


I'm interested in seeing the answers to the questions others are posting, because this paragraph above leads me to think there is a LOT more to the story. 

You say it's the first time you've talked about all this, and she says she's tired of hearing it. Huh? 

Also, it sounds like you are being pretty passive aggressive in some ways. If you want to do your own thing, then take advantage of those moments when she is catching up on sleep and DO what you want to. Don't blame her for your loneliness, and don't sit around waiting for her. She apparently did want to cuddle, and it clearly was something that deeply relaxed her. You could be patting yourself on the back for being her "safe place" that lets her find peaceful rest, but instead, you're berating yourself and saying you made a mistake in asking her. 

If you want to find things to be angry and resentful over, they are everywhere. If you want to turn things into right/wrong, win/lose scenarios, you can do that. But in the end, NOBODY wins when you do!


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## LoveLonely (Dec 8, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> You say it's the first time you've talked about all this, and she says she's tired of hearing it. Huh?


Clarification: first time getting a chance to talk in days. when finally talking, it is nothing new to her.

I haven't returned to this thread because, frankly, I am taking the advice that has been offered here. Further, I think (hope anyway) that all of my other posts will show a general trend: we are both very happy with one another. This post shows that we both need to help each other carve out alone time.

I don't want to have passive aggressive tendencies. I don't want to always be angry and resentful. This is simply difficult. We have had a better week. We simply need to plan ahead to make time for ourselves.

To answer some questions others have raised (we are both in agreement and, yes, she is aware; we share everything including this):

1. what do you want to achieve from Alone Time?

Establishing and maintaining a new social community in a new town.

Cuddling and Talking about our feelings.

Walks in the neighborhood.

Classical, Jazz, and very occasional rock concerts.

2. what other ways and time can you and wife do to achieve the above answer? be specific, not generic.

We have decided, for the short term to focus on establishing and maintaining the new social community. It takes time and effort to plant seeds. We have mostly done that. Those seeds are beginning to give fruit. Because we only have every other weekend to ourselves (really just a Saturday night) this is all we are doing as far as getting out of the house. Last weekend, things went wrong, which means it is basically an entire month before we establish contact again.

We are bending rules we want for one another for the greater good. Even though she didn't want to (and I really didn't want her to), I encouraged her to go out with this group of people a few days ago without me.

As far as doing other things out of the house? Well, we are going out of our way to have other children in our house on the weekends that she has her son. Prior to our move, we both agreed he needs lots of new friends. It is also a way for these OTHER parents to help us out a little in the future. So when there IS that concert or whatever, we just have to plan ahead and make it happen. Or maybe we do nothing and just simply want to cuddle at home, take a walk, go get dinner, or whatever. Once again, we just have to plan for it.

We HAVE had more alone time this week too. It has made the entire relationship for the THREE of us far more healthy. It is also important to say, I do NOT resent her son, nor do I wish he wasn't in the picture. Both of us had far easier lives prior to our past divorces (I am sure many here can understand that). Like everything else, if we really want something, we are going to have to work far harder for it than what we were accustomed to in our past.

I want to also go out of my way to say that I enjoy spending time with her son. I am not going to say that it is anything similar to spending time with my daughter because it isn't nor should it be. But I do enjoy the time. When I was raising my daughter, I had alone time. We are both merely needing the same thing. We have both been through a lot. And lines have been blurred between me being upset at a situation, and being upset at an innocent person.

And yes, when she is catching up on sleep, I SHOULD do what I want to do. I am getting better at it. It is hard because we would BOTH rather be spending the time together. We are both spread very thin. Seeing light at the end of the tunnel and working towards realistic goals goes a long way in re-energizing the both of us.

Thanks for all of the replies.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LoveLonely said:


> all of my other posts will show a general trend: we are both very happy with one another. This post shows that we both need to help each other carve out alone time.


I disagree on both counts. She sounds positively angry at and disappointed in you. And I don't think she wants alone time with you at all. In fact, my first impression is that she married you to have a new, older man supporting her so she could raise her son.

And now that she is no longer being the loving, seductive thing you fell in love with (the role she played to reel you in and no longer has to play, since she caught you), you are honing in on the one thing you THOUGHT you were 'getting' - a wild woman crazy about you and wanting to screw you every night. You think alone time will get her head over heels again and ready to rape you every night. So you have started focusing on that alone time thinking it will fix everything.

IMO, she has no intention of being that kind of wife.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That said, you may as well keep working on fixing things. The first thing I would do is find a babysitting co-op. If you can't find one, start one.


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## loopy lu (Oct 30, 2013)

Hmmm. So you get every second Saturday night??? Well, thats more that H and I get. But then again, they are OUR kids, so where else are they going to go?

The problem is not the custody issue. Thats actually a gift that married parents dont often get (well, at least I dont)

The problem is you both not making the time. 

We have 3 kids. We both work full time jobs. If we want to, we MAKE the time. Someone doesnt seem to want to in your scenario.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*shrug* We'll see.

Assuming you're right, I agree, she needs to have time off. But he needs to grow a backbone to ensure they are both getting what they want.


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## LoveLonely (Dec 8, 2013)

turnera said:


> I disagree on both counts. She sounds positively angry at and disappointed in you. And I don't think she wants alone time with you at all. In fact, my first impression is that she married you to have a new, older man supporting her so she could raise her son.
> 
> And now that she is no longer being the loving, seductive thing you fell in love with (the role she played to reel you in and no longer has to play, since she caught you), you are honing in on the one thing you THOUGHT you were 'getting' - a wild woman crazy about you and wanting to screw you every night. You think alone time will get her head over heels again and ready to rape you every night. So you have started focusing on that alone time thinking it will fix everything.
> 
> IMO, she has no intention of being that kind of wife.


Of course, all anyone has to go on is what I post. And, unlike most of my posts, this thread was started with much frustration and emotion on my part. I am not going to accuse anyone of being outright wrong. What I AM going to say is that I believe there are certain facts that are not consistent with this theory.

She ALWAYS wants to spend time with me, and misses the alone time we used to share. I will spare details, but let me say we were (still are) both financially recovering from a past divorce, are both over educated in obscure fields. We were lucky to have temporary university work in a small town that paid the bills and gave us MUCH alone time. I LITERALLY taught classes within walking distance of my home. Because the father was in the same town, time was split 50-50. As work ended, we returned to a nearby city where we could try to pull our lives back together financially. Everything has suddenly changed, and it is difficult for both of us.

As far as the age, we are close to the same age. As far as the sex, it has actually gotten BETTER and continues to get better. In fact, I was looking for just the OPPOSITE of a "wild woman" when we first met. Would you believe that after our third date, in addition to my handshake, she had to REQUEST that I at least give her a hug? lol

Since we have known each other, we have gradually turned into something on the wild side together. Neither of us would recognize ourselves now. We are both turning each other into this. And we are turning into this because of our extreme close and intimate conversations: being totally in touch with our feelings.

I simply have no reason to believe this is some sort of bait and switch. We are both in a very difficult situation. In fact, we were talking just today where the tables were turned: SHE was the one more upset over the situation; I was the one that exploded LAST weekend.

This is very hard on both of us. By initial posts in this thread are very real. They show how I can feel in a worst case scenario. The most important thing to BOTH of us is being able to hold each other very close, and talk about our feelings.

Hopefully, this gives a bit more clarity. Thanks for all of the comments.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think you sound like you're on the right track... keep it up!


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