# When do you know your marriage is over?



## wishiknew (Aug 12, 2009)

Hi lovely peoples - thankyou for providing me a means to express myself. I've been married for 17 yrs - have known my husband for 25 yrs. We are of different races, although we were both born in our country. He is 9 yrs older than me.
Now we have all that out of the way - I have really struggled with open communication about our intimacy and emotional wellbeing in all our married years, but tried to shut away many of my concerns by focusing on supporting him in business and raising our 2 children. Our businesses failed last year due to complex matters that were not of our control. Our children are now independent adults. 

I am finding myself very lost and alone. I have tried to find a way to open the lines of communication between us, but in spite of him promising we will do things together, he often just carries on with 'his life' ... it hurts me badly that he makes plans both commercially and socially that don't include me and I often wonder if he considers me irrelevant and no longer necessary. 

I've tried to talk to him about this, and he thinks there is nothing wrong with our marriage. I want my husband to consider me as an important person in his life... not just a housekeeper. I am earning my own income, so I am not reliant on him financially. I have tried marriage counselling - but he won't go along. I now feel that my needs are not being met in the marriage, and although I desperately want this marriage to work I am at the stage where I really don't know if it's worth fighting for any longer.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Have you done counseling for yourself? Have you told him what you say here, about feeling like you are reaching the pt where the marriage may not be worth saving and then asked him to do counseling together? Sometimes you must be very direct--"I cannot remain married to you unless we work to improve our relationship." Don't threaten that--it has to be real, a warning of the consequences if he continues to ignore your pleas. Best of luck. Oh, and go to counseling alone if he still refuses, to help you leave if that's what you decide, or to help you live in the marriage as it is even if right now you think you can't.


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## wishiknew (Aug 12, 2009)

Hi SISTERS359 - thanks for your advice. I've tried counselling on my own. My husband refuses to accompany me with joint marriage counselling as he sees this as being weak and pointless. I have expressed my feelings to him honestly and without accusation... in fact - I have said things quite similar to what you advised, but his response is often of the words 'I have tried to make you happy, but if that's not good enough then there's nothing I can do to change that'.

What I've tried to explain to him is that I couldn't care if we had nothing else in life - his love, friendship, affection and respect is all I ever wanted.... He rubbishes me and says that those things don't pay the bills.

I guess that says it all. He was my first and only love, but I am scared to think that I will spend the rest of my life in an unfilfilled relationship, and this is my lot.

Time for me to take stock of my life I think ????

Thanks again


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## variety (Sep 6, 2009)

May I be direct and ask "do you think it is over"? Often I hear of women who stay in a similar situation coz they can't afford to live on their own or have very young children.

What fear do you have when you think it is indeed over?

I believe only you can decide and perhaps you want someone to support you in your decision.


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## akshay (Sep 4, 2009)

i agree...its too much you have invested in this relationship. see if you can have a small vacation with your kids or take a break where he will 'miss' you and realizes your value...


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## QuitaBee (Aug 11, 2009)

akshay said:


> i agree...its too much you have invested in this relationship. see if you can have a small vacation with your kids or take a break where he will 'miss' you and realizes your value...


 I think thats a good idea!! Go on vacation without him or even start doing things that you enjoy to do..by yourself!! Or even ask him if he wants to go. If he says no..don't let that stop you..go by yourself or with your kids. You have to make you happy!! Things that are important to you should be important to him, doesn't always work that way, but thats how its suppose to be. It hurts very badly when someone puts off your feelings as not being a big deal or not being "that serious" as if your feelings hold no weight if they can't pay the bills. The bills have nothing to do with feeling appreciated but alot of people don't get that!


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

I am the wrong person to answer the question posed in the tittle of this Post,
When do you know your marriage is over?
I think I'm in a ZOMBIE marriage myself, dead but still running around infecting and killing everything it comes in contact with.

I agree with some posters in that you do have too much invested in this relationships too scrap your vows of till death do you part and you should also probably find stuff to do that you like, that doesn't jeopardize your marriage by overly socializing with other people in inappropriate ways but do distract your self with other tings other than your husband comings and goings. 

If you love him and wish to make things work, do that, love him and make things work.

Good luck.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You can press 'Pause' instead of 'Game Over'
It isn't a zero sum game. Certainly doesn't have to be.

Tell him you are leaving. And leave. Whether it's for two weeks, two months - whatever.
People almost always will choose the path of least resistance. He isn't doing anything to improve the circumstances because he doesn't have to, or want to.

You are now faced with the same. If you want change, you will need to make one - and it can't involve him. It needs to be about you - for you. Take the opportunity to shake things up for him, and allow you to get some small experience with 'living your life for you'.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Those things may not pay the bills, but what does he think about relationships that are running on empty? What fills up their tanks? 

For you, you need to talk and share and to have common activities and goals. Since the things that kept you together before are gone (children, business) all you have left is the relationship. While he's probably keen on rebuilding the financial aspect of life, does he not see that he's neglected the one final thing that he may lose? And then what will he have?

A full belly is good. A full belly that's in a body that is loved and shares love with someone else is so much better.

Babies do not thrive when they are not held. All of the food and safety in the world doesn't make up for what they lack in closeness with another human being.


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## BunnyPancake (Sep 16, 2009)

I certainly hope you are in a financial position to look after yourself if things don't work out. That for me would be step one.

Make a plan. How would you leave if it came to that? Write all this down, and in the process feel what you would feel. See if you find this even mildly acceptable.

The bottom line is: you deserve to be happy. If he is not providing this - when he is in a position to (with a bit more effort, time what ever it takes) then does he even deserve you? I think not.

Easier said than done I know. In the end. You have one life. No do-overs. Are you prepared to spend the rest of your life feeling like you do now? Only with more frustration as time goes on.

It may take some time to think about these things. But in the end you make the decision - don't just sit idly as life passes you by.


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