# Narcissistic husband?



## ktheuerkauf (Jan 2, 2017)

I'm currently waiting for the judge to sign the divorce agreement my husband and I agreed to. I'm doing my best to lean on God through my divorce, but it's very difficult...I feel anger, sadness, loss, etc. I know it takes two to tango in a marriage and my actions played a role in the dissolution of my marriage. I own my part and am sorry for it. I have confessed this to my ex-spouse. Coming to a divorce agreement was very difficult. He refused mediation and though my lawyer made it clear our agreement was inequitable, I agreed to it because my ex-husband conveyed that any other agreement in which I would be awarded more would ruin his life. However, as I reflect on the past, I believe my ex-husband has narcissistic tendencies. I've done some research about this and he seems to fit every category. Recognizing this has helped me in that I know that what went wrong in our marriage wasn't all my fault, even though he said that it was. However, knowing this has also scared me in that I'm not sure if he will accept my apologies, develop a soft heart, and one day have an amicable relationship with me. My biggest fear is that he will hate me. I'm a peaceful, loving and forgiving person and this is very hard for me. Has anyone been married to someone who's a bit narcissistic? Any thoughts, ideas or experiences?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Hes an ex !
Do not give a second thought as to what he thinks of you!


Good luck


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

Being peaceful, loving and forgiving does not mean that you put your life on hold waiting for him to forgive you, soften toward you and become kind to you. It means that you forgive him, leave the past in the past and move on with a clear conscience.

I was married to someone who I believe has narcissistic tendencies and I became the peace keeper in the relationship in an attempt to try to control his behavior and lessen the impact of his behavior on my kids and myself. It sounds like you have become the same but the attempt at creating peace isnt for the sake of peace, it’s self protection. 

These people also have a talent for making you feel responsible for how they’re doing. You’ve become so used to everything being your fault and having to constantly fix things that even their own well being becomes a problem that’s your fault and needs fixing. This is why you accepted a less than equitable split of assets, the central focus was his well being. It was always and only about him, you never mattered.

What you need to be asking yourself is why are you still placing his well being over your own?


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## sunshinesas (Jul 18, 2010)

Just divorced after 32 years, I am sure other than an alcoholic, ex was a covert narcissist. It is mind boggling what they are capable of doing to you. I am to blame for every wrong thing over the years; his drinking, sex issues, money issues, other woman issues, etc. Having gotten out and learned what I dealt with gave me some understanding. We share two adult children and it's hard but I came to complete no contact with him and don't really care if I ever see or speak to him again. It makes me physically ill to see him at all. You need to step back and realize no matter what you do it is never good enough. If he accepts your apology, etc it will only be his gain and what he wants it for. Be very careful not to be sucked back in, they have a way of making you think they are sad, apologetic and can change, they can't, don't and won't, they will only hurt you more in the long run. Scour the internet, youtube has some great channels regarding narcissistic abuse. Stand strong and heal yourself. Peace.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ktheuerkauf said:


> Recognizing this has helped me in that I know that what went wrong in our marriage wasn't all my fault, even though he said that it was. However, knowing this has also scared me in that I'm not sure if he will accept my apologies, develop a soft heart, and one day have an amicable relationship with me. My biggest fear is that he will hate me.


You are looking at this all wrong. 

There is no need for you to have any kind of interpersonal relationship with him and his thoughts and feelings should have no relevance to you one way or another. 

Why would you even want any kind of relationship or interaction with him???

If you have minor children with him, then having a cooperative coparenting agreement is important, but even with that it should only apply to interactions that directly and exclusively involve the children - and even then 99.5% of those interactions should be accomplished by text or email. 

Your goal here should not be to achieve a friendship but rather complete indifference. 

Don't waste time and energy on bitterness, hate, resentment etc 

But at the same time do not strive for warmth, friendship, warm feelings etc etc either.

Strive for "m'eh".

Strive for him fading over the horizon in your rearview mirror. 

Divorce is about not having to worry about what someone thinks of you.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

ktheuerkauf said:


> I'm not sure if he will accept my apologies, develop a soft heart, and one day have an amicable relationship with me.
> 
> Any thoughts, ideas or experiences?


You have God's immutable, sovereign promise, that "one day", His day of resurrection, that your exH will either be doing just that, forever and ever, in a realm where you both will be....

or, your exH will be somewhere a universe away from you and will be no factor to you whatsoever.

Also, I'm not a shrink, but I think one of the hallmarks of narcissism is that the narcissist doesn't think ANYTHING of you, good, bad, or indifferent.....and, his "blame technique"
does not come from what he truly feels, but rather, is a "role play" aimed at self-justification.


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## ktheuerkauf (Jan 2, 2017)

Thank you for all of your replies. I suppose I'm in denial and I've been reading that spouses of narcissists get into a cycle of trauma. It's hard to let go but when I look at our marriage it was awful and I always felt like nothing. When all of your family and friends breathe a sigh of relief when you get divorced, that tells you something. I need to think of those things.


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

Pretty frequent readings of the poem Desiderata brings me a lot of peace. Maybe it'll bring you some too.


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## Saige (Oct 23, 2011)

ktheuerkauf said:


> Thank you for all of your replies. I suppose I'm in denial and I've been reading that spouses of narcissists get into a cycle of trauma. It's hard to let go but when I look at our marriage it was awful and I always felt like nothing. When all of your family and friends breathe a sigh of relief when you get divorced, that tells you something. I need to think of those things.


It's good to see that you are taking the time to read, and understand what happened. Keep reading. Walk away, and make yourself your focus. His needs can be put aside. 

That feeling nothing thing is definitely a defense mechanism, and pretty typical for those of us in this type of relationship. It helped you in the kind of relationship you're coming out of, but is very hurtful in healthy relationships. Figure out how to feel again. 

(I am in and have chosen to stay in a relationship with someone that either is/has the tendencies, or at the very least has an extremely low range of emotion and inability to empathize.) I wouldn't wish this kind of relationship on anyone.


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## Coach Victoria (Apr 24, 2018)

ktheuerkauf said:


> I'm currently waiting for the judge to sign the divorce agreement my husband and I agreed to. I'm doing my best to lean on God through my divorce, but it's very difficult...I feel anger, sadness, loss, etc. I know it takes two to tango in a marriage and my actions played a role in the dissolution of my marriage. I own my part and am sorry for it. I have confessed this to my ex-spouse. Coming to a divorce agreement was very difficult. He refused mediation and though my lawyer made it clear our agreement was inequitable, I agreed to it because my ex-husband conveyed that any other agreement in which I would be awarded more would ruin his life. However, as I reflect on the past, I believe my ex-husband has narcissistic tendencies. I've done some research about this and he seems to fit every category. Recognizing this has helped me in that I know that what went wrong in our marriage wasn't all my fault, even though he said that it was. However, knowing this has also scared me in that I'm not sure if he will accept my apologies, develop a soft heart, and one day have an amicable relationship with me. My biggest fear is that he will hate me. I'm a peaceful, loving and forgiving person and this is very hard for me. Has anyone been married to someone who's a bit narcissistic? Any thoughts, ideas or experiences?


I was married to a narcissist. Then I divorced said narcissist. It took 6 years, then we were in and out of court for 11 additional years. 17 years of litigation. And I would do it all over again. I went on to create a fabulous new life I would never have dreamed possible. I even trained and became a divorce coach so I could help other women who are in the same shoes I was in. I applaud you for being able to acknowledge your role in the demise of your marriage, but it is not all your fault. A narcissist can never take responsibility for anything. Everything is someone else's fault. You were probably too generous in your settlement. He probably played on your empathy (something a narcissist is not able to have) to convince you that anything else would "ruin" his life. He is a grown man, is he not? He can (and should) take care of himself. He is not your responsibility. I'm happy to help you if you'd like to reach out to me. All the best to you.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

ktheuerkauf said:


> Thank you for all of your replies. I suppose I'm in denial and I've been reading that spouses of narcissists get into a cycle of trauma. It's hard to let go but when I look at our marriage it was awful and I always felt like nothing. When all of your family and friends breathe a sigh of relief when you get divorced, that tells you something. I need to think of those things.


OP it may help for you to read up on codependency. It sounds like your relationship was very one-sided and you footed most of the blame for the dysfunction between you two. Your need for forgiveness from him is unhealthy and I'm glad you realize his narcissistic tendencies. The following link has been shared on this forum and provides an insightful look into codependency, a condition that may have lead you to subconsciously enable his self-centredness:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-codependency/


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