# Clingy, Desperate and Needy



## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

There seems to be a lot of issues regarding which is better: Avoidance (NO CONTACT) or remain Clingy, Desperate and Needy.

I would like a show of hands (in this case feedback) of all those that remained Clingy, Desperate and Needy whose spouse, boyfriend came back and everything is now going along smoothly and happy as a clam.

BTW: There's a difference between avoidance and NO Contact. You CANNOT purposely avoid your spouse because that WILL force them to think the you DON'T want them back.

If they want to see you or you just happen to see them on the street, be nice and cordial, but don't act desperate and needy. 

But if you're crawling on your hands and knees, desperate and begging and in my words ... groveling ... then be ready for more heartaches. Even if you were to get your spouse back because you made them feel sorry for you, *how long do you honestly think that will last?*

No contact on the other hand makes them think that you're fine with their decision to split up and you'll try and move on with your life. And if they don't hear from you for a while, it gets them to thinking about you more and more. More often than not, it becomes a real awakening for them. Then when they do call you back, they're more apt to listen to your concerns and not just ignore you.

Sure, there's a chance that you lose them permanently, but that was going to happen regardless what you did anyway. Some things are just beyond repair.

So, if you had REAL success in being Clingy, Desperate and Needy, then we need to hear from you. This way we can decide to either remain a whimp or be strong!

Sorry if I offended anyone. That was NOT my intent. I wanted to see which one has a better success rate. I think it's pretty obvious .. but here it is!


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

My soon to be ex and I have had several break ups. He only comes back when he's almost sure I have moved on. Stay gone this time, mister.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

'Clingy, Desperate and Needy'


oooh there's a catch you don't want to let slip. I hope she broke and trashy too.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SPOT ON... this post.

Clingy, needy, desperate = yuck


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

CDN does not work, not sure if "do unto others as they do unto you" is going to work for me but it has been having an effect. (can't go limited contact yet and in my case it wouldn't work)


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## sadsuzy (May 15, 2011)

Clingy, desperate, needy doesn't work at all. Agreed! Good thing we have this forum or I would most definitely fall into the clingy, desperate, needy category. I'm not so needy anymore though, my neediness was not only due to the fact that I was losing my hub, but this separation caused me to drop two classes, lose my job, my friends and move back to my parents house (states away) and live out of boxes. Shamefully, I am guilty of being needy, not just for my spouse but for my whole life back. And if my husband couldn't see or care that I was in a whole heap of a mess and if he could only see me as being clingy or needy, well guess what? I don't NEED that. 

I do have a question though..... when is one being clingy and when is one doing everything that they can possibly do to save their marriage. Could someone elaborate for me?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

Niceguy13 said:


> CDN does not work, not sure if "do unto others as they do unto you" is going to work for me but it has been having an effect. (can't go limited contact yet and in my case it wouldn't work)


Please don't confuse "No Contact" and "Do unto others". You don't want to act like the person who dumped you. In essence, the No Contact way is like telling the person who wants to get away from you that it's OK with you that you split up. That it will give both of you a chance to clear your heads and look at things in proper perspective. In fact it's OK to actually tell them just that!

The funny thing is after about a month (of no contact), they begin to wonder if maybe you got your head on too straight and now that you're seeing more clearly, have gone on your way.

Funny how our minds work, but reverse psychology often does work!


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

sadsuzy said:


> I do have a question though..... when is one being clingy and when is one doing everything that they can possibly do to save their marriage. Could someone elaborate for me?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's not when you're trying to convince your spouse that there's a problem with your marriage and that you need to talk about it.

It's when you start groveling and telling them how much you love them, how you can't live without them and your life is over if they walk out on you. Thinking that there can't possibly be anyone else. Chasing them as they walk out the door and hanging on for dear life.

Sorry, but this is NOT saving a marriage. This is about saving YOU!


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

When I think of being needy or clingy, I think of a child hanging on to a parent bawling because they can't have any candy at the check out.
We've all seen them, hanging on to a leg or arm, crying saying "Please Mom.....please" and the more the parent tries to ignore the child, the more the child acts out.

Now, when you see this happening, do you think "Aww..that child is so cute, I want to buy them a treat myself." Or are you like me and think "Get me the h*ll out of this store!""

Not attractive at all, and it doesn't change anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadsuzy (May 15, 2011)

Kauaiguy said:


> It's not when you're trying to convince your spouse that there's a problem with your marriage and that you need to talk about it.
> 
> It's when you start groveling and telling them how much you love them, how you can't live without them and your life is over if they walk out on you. Thinking that there can't possibly be anyone else. Chasing them as they walk out the door and hanging on for dear life.
> 
> ...


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Kauaiguy said:


> It's not when you're trying to convince your spouse that there's a problem with your marriage and that you need to talk about it.
> 
> It's when you start groveling and telling them how much you love them, how you can't live without them and your life is over if they walk out on you. Thinking that there can't possibly be anyone else. Chasing them as they walk out the door and hanging on for dear life.
> 
> Sorry, but this is NOT saving a marriage. This is about saving YOU!


Very well said.


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

You misunderstood do unto others. I meant if you are going to treat me like crap then I am going to ignore you. If you want t care only about you I am going to care about me and quit caring about you. You know treat people how you want to be treated. If you have tried to treat someone well and they have continuosly treated you like crap do you instead propose to intend to treat them well or start showing them their actions have consequences.

I am not condoning having an affair because a partner had an affair or being emotionaly abusive because the partner was. I am saying reflect what they have been putting in back at them. In most cases its nothing and when you start giving them nothing in return they realize they don't like it very much.


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

OK, so after over 140 hits on this thread, there isn't ONE person that claimed good results by being weak and needy.

However, there are many evidence out there were the NO Contact approach has worked for them. If not bringing their special someone back (I say this because I'm also referring to boyfriends/girlfriends as well as spouses), but at least got them to sit down and have a meaningful conversation.

Sure there were misses, but the success rate is enough to justify trying it out if all else seem to fail.

The main reasons people are afraid to try it is because of fear. Fear of completely losing the other person and of being alone. But the reality of it all is that it was going to happen sooner or later anyway.

Like I said, you can make the other feel sorry for you and maybe bring them back for the time being, but that's just prolonging the inevitable. In the end there really was nothing gained other than more of the same existing hurtful feelings.

The concept of the NO Contact rule is two fold: One is really for you to be able to focus on yourself and your current situation. It gets easier as time passes and you may even come to the realization that you really DON'T want to go back to that same situation.

The second is to give the other time to miss you and if you've been together that long, I don't care who it is, they WILL eventually begin to miss you. The pent up animosity towards you begins to disappear and they become human again to the point where you're able to talk to them ... sensibly!

At that point, the two of you can get together and possibly come up with a viable solution which may eventually save your marriage (relationship).

Your first contact should NOT be one where you're so happy and you immediately go running back to them. Make them wait a little (a couple of days), then agree to have a short get together (lunch, dinner). This will give them the message that you're not the same PUPPET that they used to have and they can no longer control you.

Keep in mind that your relationship is already SHOT and your method WASN'T working!

How do you keep from going crazy while doing this? Try keeping a list of all the things you DON'T like about the other person. i.e. they belittle you, they're unclean, they're irresponsible, they're abusive ... etc. Keep this around and look at it every time you feel down.

In other words: Focus on their bad traits, behavior and it'll make it easier to cope with.


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## LibertyBelle (May 23, 2011)

You would make a fantastic counselor, Kauaiguy. You tell it like it is and that is what we need to hear. I just moved out and my H is really really doing the clingy, desperate and needy behavior. So what have I been doing? Feeling guilty and I even thought about telling him I would move back in July. My therapist told me nicely that would really not be a good idea. I am the one too that has initiated us getting together because I have been feeling so guilty. It has taken me years to separate and I do have to start remembering all the reasons I left. I really have to put myself first (even if that sounds self centered).


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

It does not sound self centered to put yourself first. You have to take care of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

LibertyBelle said:


> Y*ou would make a fantastic counselor, Kauaiguy.* You tell it like it is and that is what we need to hear. I just moved out and my H is really really doing the clingy, desperate and needy behavior. So what have I been doing? *Feeling guilty and I even thought about telling him I would move back in July*. My therapist told me nicely that would really not be a good idea. I am the one too that has initiated us getting together because I have been feeling so guilty. It has taken me years to separate and I do have to start remembering all the reasons I left. I really have to put myself first (even if that sounds self centered).



Thank you for that nice comment and I have to laugh because here I am with my own problems and have just gotten divorced. But it was a long time coming and I was thinking more in terms of separation, but wife opted for the divorce. Now I think she's having second thoughts.

Moving back because you're feeling guilty is NOT a good reason, because YOU KNOW deep down that won't last. Whatever made you leave in the first place will still be there and will most likely even get worse because nothing was settled.

If there is a chance of reconciliation this is your best shot at it. Because if you were to move back now when nothing has been settled, could result in your hating each other to the point of no return.

Keep in mind that people will agree and promise anything under desperate conditions, but usually ends up in broken promises ... because nothing has sunk in. It's when reality hits that things really begin to matter and unfortunately separation is the only way it works for most people. 

This is the time to do some soul searching (both of you) to see where you both contributed to your current situation. Give yourself some time to settle down to where you're thinking clearly without guilt or animosity. Normally it takes about six to eight weeks of limited or no contact for each to settle down and (for lack of a better word) become a normal human being again.

At that time, you can go out to lunch or dinner and have a coherent conversation where each HEARS and UNDERSTAND what each other is saying.

You can slowly get back together at that point (dating) and see how things have really changed. And who knows where it goes from there.

The best to both of you. Make it work!


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