# Unintentionally selfish husband



## katcann88 (Nov 8, 2015)

This is mostly a vent, but I am looking for advice or book recommendations for my husband to read.

My spouse is a sweet and quiet natured individual, but he is oblivious to anyone's needs but his own. 
I am going to make an example that will sound very petty, but this can be applied to nearly every aspect of romance in our marriage.
Flowers... He drives daily past a field of the most beautiful wildflowers and since we first married over 7 years ago, I have asked him to stop and pick me some and even promised sex for it at one point. Never happened. The flowers that is.
In the 7 years he has only acknowledged one of my birthdays and done anything not sex related for two anniversaries.
Up until a few months ago, he thought foreplay ment including a bottle of KY. No joke.

The reason for this straw being broken is because of his "guys trip" this weekend. (something he and I haven't done for over 5 years) While he left myself and our three young boys alone for three nights, he never once so much as sent a text to be sure that no one had broke into the house and killed us while he was gone. 

I am not a high demand person. I never ask for anything expensive or unrealistic, but I make my wants and desires perfectly clear without using cryptic woman speak. We have discussed all of these things more times than I can count, but by the next day he has forgotten everything like it never happened.
Whenever we have these discussions, I always ask if there is something I am doing that bothers him or makes him unhappy, but he always responds that he is "very happy, and wouldn't change anything". So it seems like I am the only one unhappy with our marriage.
lately I feel like I'm letting my disappointment make me emotionally abusive towards him, and I don't want to become this monster, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life only feeling needed for sex.

Afterthought: I know we are in the hardest years of our marriage and things WILL get better in the not so distant future, but these are recurring problems since the first year of marriage and I DO NOT want to have this as the norm for the next 30-40 years.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

katcann88 said:


> This is mostly a vent, but I am looking for advice or book recommendations for my husband to read.
> 
> My spouse is a sweet and quiet natured individual, but he is oblivious to anyone's needs but his own.
> I am going to make an example that will sound very petty, but this can be applied to nearly every aspect of romance in our marriage.
> ...


How often do you have sex?
Is he an Aspie by any chance?


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## katcann88 (Nov 8, 2015)

He is a Pisces and I won't lie. There have been times I let my feeling prevent bedroom activity, but these past few months the sex has been great, and lots of it.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Well he knows he can do what he want he wants and you will still be there. 

So you can take a hard line and shock him into changing or you can live with it. 

Personally I would say, either we go to counselling and you make every effort or I'm done! 

You deserve to be treated better.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why is this year the hardest in your marriage.

What you are going through is classic in that it's so common that there is a name for it "Walk Away Wife Syndrome" .

I don't mean that you are walking away from your marriage, but the neglect your husband is showing, the total ignoring of your needs is very common. He's happy, so what's your problem? He has habitually ignored your needs for years.... down to thinking that KY is foreplay. How horribly sad and selfish of him.

Here are two things that might strike a cord with you.

Get Relationship Advice and Solve Marriage Problems with Michele Weiner-Davis - Divorce Busting®

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eyty0xb7IMM


You need to let him know that there is a serious problem in your marriage. you need to let him now that you are seriously thinking of ending the marriage because you are that unhappy. You are glad that he's happy, but you are not. Unless you tell him that you are serious about leaving, he will not pay any attention to what you are saying. You know that already.

A huge part of the problem is that you let him do this for years. This is huge mistake that many women do. They don't want to nag or complain. Then years go by and what you have is what you get. You need to be a bit more high maintenance. Not prima dona style... but demanding more from your man.

There are some good books that I think would help you:

"His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters"


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

katcann88 said:


> He is a Pisces and I won't lie. There have been times I let my feeling prevent bedroom activity, but these past few months the sex has been great, and lots of it.


No, Aspie is not an astrological sign. It's short for "Asperger's Syndrome", and your description of your husband's behavior made me think it's a possible explanation of his otherwise incomprehensible behavior. See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome for an explanation.

The detail that made me think that was his ignoring your request for wildflowers even when you promised him sex as a reward. Very few normal men would pass that up.


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## katcann88 (Nov 8, 2015)

Lol, Sorry Technovelist. Clearly I'm not familiar with the zodiacs either and just assumed that's what the abbreviation ment. My husband did have a troubled childhood with a few undiagnosed learning and physical disabilities but if he did have a form of autism it would be very mild as other symptoms are not particularly obvious.
I will say though, that his memory is AWFUL. If I make him a promise like that to take out the trash, it would be done in 30 seconds flat. The point of this post is that my emotional needs are never considered a priority. Out of sight, out of mind kinda thing. That is a good thought though and I will definitely be looking into it.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

You are meeting his needs, but you are not a priority to him at all. 

Start working on you, get counselling, get selfish, read the stuff Ele posted and stop allowing him to put you last.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

katcann88,

Just to get an idea of things, what do you do for your husband on his birthdays? How does respond to what you do?


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## katcann88 (Nov 8, 2015)

LittleDeer, Between my 2y/o bouts of insomnia, I am reading the post from Ele and so far, it seems like good stuff! But just to make it clear, my husband is not actively being self centered. He will feel incredibly guilty when I point out my my feelings to him, but after our talk, he just slips back into this easy go lucky lifestyle. Not to say I don't get hell raisin angry though!

Elle, I do take great pride in my gift giving, and have never missed any of his birthdays. I will say in his defence that his birthday comes right at tax return so we can afford the elaborate surprises I get him. While mine comes at the time of year when property taxes are due. Not that he doesn't know enough to plan ahead or do something after, but there is a difference in the timing of it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

katcann88 said:


> LittleDeer, Between my 2y/o bouts of insomnia, I am reading the post from Ele and so far, it seems like good stuff! But just to make it clear, my husband is not actively being self centered. He will feel incredibly guilty when I point out my my feelings to him, but after our talk, he just slips back into this easy go lucky lifestyle. Not to say I don't get hell raisin angry though!


He is also not actively doing things to meet your needs. Him not seeing out actively to be selfish is not an excuse. Part of the problem is that you are making excuses for him.


katcann88 said:


> Elle, I do take great pride in my gift giving, and have never missed any of his birthdays. I will say in his defence that his birthday comes right at tax return so we can afford the elaborate surprises I get him. While mine comes at the time of year when property taxes are due. Not that he doesn't know enough to plan ahead or do something after, but there is a difference in the timing of it.


I was married to a man like your husband. On his birthday I always did things for him, got him a gift, etc. On my birthday... nothing. On Valentine’s day … nothing. Christmas… nothing. And yea, I could say that he was not actively being selfish. He was just selfish. 

I finally had enough of the selfishness. One year when his birthday came around, he got nothing. The kids and I did nothing for him. On father’s day, I ignored it. On Christmas he got nothing. At one point he said something to me about it. My reply was that for years he did nothing for me on special days. I had being doing things for him on his special days all those years. Then I realized that it’s not important to him.. evidence him not doing anything for me. Well that changed everything. After that time he somehow suddenly figured out how not to be selfish, how to plan for gift giving and special dinners, etc. Funny how that worked out.

As long as you continue to spoil him while he ignores you, he will continue to ignore you. Why? Because you taught him that he’s an important person who must be spoiled. And you are not important and can be ignored. You did that. Now how are you going to teach him that you are important after all?


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## katcann88 (Nov 8, 2015)

I know you are right Ele, I can even put my finger on the very conversation that started it all. My greatest fear though, is the person I am becoming. Yes, I set myself up for this and let him turn it into a lifestyle. But how do I make him change without being (pardon my french) a *****? I am really liking divorce busting, and they might have the answers I am looking for, but right this second my youngest won't cut me a break and I haven't been able to read everything yet.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

katcann88 said:


> I know you are right Ele, I can even put my finger on the very conversation that started it all. My greatest fear though, is the person I am becoming. Yes, I set myself up for this and let him turn it into a lifestyle. But how do I make him change without being (pardon my french) a *****? I am really liking divorce busting, and they might have the answers I am looking for, but right this second my youngest won't cut me a break and I haven't been able to read everything yet.


I presume that you are reading the book "*Divorce Busting*"? It's a good book. That book, along with "*His Needs, Her Needs*" and "*Love Busters*" should help you a lot.

There is a chapter in Divorce Busting about what happens when you introduce change into an environment. Pay a lot of attention to that chapter. I has some ideas that I think will help you. It also talks about the 180 (not the 180 linked to in my signature block). The 180 it talks about is doing exactly the opposite from what your husband expects of you. She talks about how it works. It has to be specific for you and your marriage.

Start focusing more on yourself. Start doing more for yourself. Somebody needs to make you top priority.. and I think that somebody is you.


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## katcann88 (Nov 8, 2015)

When I wrote my last comment, I was talking about reading the website divorce busting. I did however order all three books you mentioned but when "His Needs, Her Needs" came, it was the participant's guide. Do I need to go back and order the DVDs, or is there a standalone book I can get?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

katcann88 said:


> When I wrote my last comment, I was talking about reading the website divorce busting. I did however order all three books you mentioned but when "His Needs, Her Needs" came, it was the participant's guide. Do I need to go back and order the DVDs, or is there a standalone book I can get?


There is a book titled _His Needs, Her Needs_. It should be available pretty cheaply from the Marriage Builders (.com) website. I'm not sure what the participant's guide is, unless it's the workbook that contains all the forms and questionnaires. If that's the case, it's handy and useful, but not necessary and you could always send it back for a refund. What you really need is the actual book itself.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

To mirror what everyone else is saying, you teach people how to treat you. I've been there. In my first marriage I put up with too much for too long. Although we had several other problems on top of that.

My fiancée is a selfish person. I know this about him and knew getting into it. But I combat it by not allowing him to ignore my needs. I even did leave him at one point (of course, we aren't married) to get him to see how much he was hurting me. As a recovering "people pleaser" it's been a learning curve and hasn't always been easy. But I love him and he loves me and he TRIES now. I know he won't always get it right, because it doesn't come naturally, but as long as he tries, I am happy. 

PLEASE don't EVER think you're being a "bia" by standing up for yourself and demanding your husband love you the way you deserve. You deserve more than what he's giving. He's capable of it, even if it doesn't come naturally. Another book I would suggest for you is "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. I can't recommend that book enough. Literally saved my life and put me on the path to being able to deal with situations like this. GOOD LUCK!!


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