# Almost sexless marriage



## ahubby (Feb 27, 2008)

Im writing to you to get both a collective opinion and advice. My wife and I have been together for over ten years and our sex life is pathetic, at least i think it is. We do have a few kids and over the past couple of years, sex, what was in my opinion poor before, has gotten worse. Now i know kids can have a large impact on the sexual relationship between a couple but i wanted to reiterate that sex for my wife has always been as she says not enjoyable and thus our sex life has always been sub-par. As you can imagine we have talked about this issue over the years and she never has an explanation about why she doesnt like sex. She usually gives answers like, "I just dont find it enjoyable" and is passive when trying to discuss further. She has never let me give her an orgasm nor has she done anything interactive during sex. We have tried counseling but it never has gotten down to the root of the issue although the counselor thought it could be a control issue on her part. I have thought and asked her is it me and i do believe her when she says its not. Lately sex has gotten really pathetic though. When she does give in to my asking for sex (about once or twice a month) it is usually done so with stipulations of no kissing or much touching. When i try to discuss this with her and tell her this situation isnt normal for a married couple she says, and believes, that most married people are in the same situation as we are and it is completely normal. Im treated as though my requests for a healthy sex life is abnormal. I find that hard to believe which is one of the reasons im posting.

I am a very sexual person and enjoy sex a lot. It deeply bothers me to not be intimate with my wife. I want her to enjoy sex and would do anything she would want sexually. I love her very much and feel this is the one thing in our relationship that is wrong.

Any incite or advice would be appreciated.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Ahubby

There could be any number of reasons for her lack of interest. Physical, emotional, psychological…. Since you have tried counseling already it may not be emotional but that is usually my first instinct. That possibly you are not providing her with some need and because of that she has withdrawn physically. The fact that she doesn’t kiss you and is not interactive would support this idea. That was the root of the problems in my marriage. Counseling again might help. Also try reading Chapman’s Five languages of Love to see if you are not connecting in your love for each other. Definitely have her speak with her OB/GYN to rule out any physical problems. Let her know intimacy is important to you and you want her to enjoy it also. Sex lives can improve. Good luck.


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## fredfoxw28 (Jan 11, 2008)

Hi ahubby, 

Do you know if she was abused growing up? Does she even think that there is a problem? How is everything else in your marriage? Do you help her and understand her emotional needs? Are you a supportive husband? When you initiate sex is there any fourplay before you get in the bedroom. Hugs and kisses during the day, compliments? This really helps. Reevaluate your situation and think back about any disagreements or things that are happening in your life at the moment this can effect both of you in the bedroom.


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## mollyL (Dec 31, 2007)

That is a very pertinent question, was she abused as a child? Your wife not wanting to kiss seems a red flag to me, that perhaps she was forced to kiss someone or something she didn't want to.
Has your wife ever been examined genitally for more than a pap smear? It is possible that the birth process might have injured her, or if she was abused, there could have been some kind of injury there? I know this would probably be very difficult to get her to agree with, because I suspect she hates Pap smears as much as sex. A woman gynecologist or a man gyno with a very sensitive manner should examine her, and maybe an ultrasound included to make sure there is nothing physical the matter.
I commend you, ahubby. It is obvious you love your wife and long for a sexual, comforting relationship. I hope you can achieve it!


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## Green-Moo (Feb 5, 2008)

So many guys forget that lovemaking is something that needs to happen all the time in daily life. And I don't mean doing it on the kitchen table! I mean just touching your partner, holding their hand, talking to them, appreciating them.


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## Immortalone (Mar 5, 2008)

My ex-wife and I had this same problem. Alot of it was a mind set and alot of it was both being stubborn because we felt that neither was getting what we wanted. Problem is men and women have an issue of not realy talking or listening until it is to late. What we discoverd after the divorce is that we both wanted the same thing but, that we needed to go about it diffrently. I was not full filling her need of basicaly being corted to and made to feel extra special. She was not filling my need to fill desired and wanted. We were both selfish and neither would give to the other because we wanted the other to give to us. Seams stupid but I see so many marriages like this. Some how you need to find what she needs. It could be as simple as a date away from the house to maybe just cuddling and watching a movie together. One of you has to give in to the other nees first.


Have some fun seeing how women and men can view simple things diffrently. Enjoy a laugh over it at She's Right - He's Right


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

How often do you help out around the house, how do you take care of your body? Did you have sex with her before marriage? What are her religious beliefs?

These are some key issues that you didn't address in your post and these all have a HUGE impact on how she views sexuality within your relationship.


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

how about psychological? could she have OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) which stems from anxiety? she may have so much anxiety about pleasing you and herself that she would rather avoid it. it could be that she thinks about sex being dirty with sweat, sperm/semen, breathe that kind of thing and would rather avoid it. 

the kissing part is also a red flag to me. either she has a sensory integration disorder...which doesnt make sense to me since you two already have kids and have been intimate with each other or ... the anxiety part where she thinks that if you kiss her the expectation of that act leading to sex, thus, the anxiety of performance. 

my other main thought is whether she was sexually abused as a child. if she didnt go any further in the counseling sessions...then i would assume something has happened. it may hurt her emotionally/psychologically (revisiting those images) and socially (what would her husband think of her then? would he reject her? thoughts like this) to go any deeper and that could be why she didnt open up during the sessions. 

i think the lack of sex stems more from something deeply rooted that is not exposed on the surface. it is a sensitive issue with your wife. the good points are that you love her and have the patience and determination to try to understand her needs as well as your own.


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

You should ask your wife the exact question you are asking here, via a hypothetical friend -- except flip the genders of the victims, and replace "sex" with "never shows me emotion". I guarantee you she'll say something like "she should leave that dolt since he is too selfish to meet her needs".

Then tell her you think that is a very interesting answer, and ask her how would she feel if that advice was given to you guys. Most likely she'll pull a "thats different" attempt, but don't allow her to do so -- it is NOT different, it is exactly the same. A spouse is CHOOSING not to meet the needs of the other spouse, and is choosing not to work through the problem.


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## Margaret (Mar 31, 2008)

Green-Moo said:


> So many guys forget that lovemaking is something that needs to happen all the time in daily life. And I don't mean doing it on the kitchen table! I mean just touching your partner, holding their hand, talking to them, appreciating them.


I love the way you put this. It's so true. How can I remind him of this without siiming pathetic or too needy?


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## TheHubby (Mar 20, 2008)

I must say me & my wife fall into this from time to time. Just recently to be exact. I was getting tired of doing it myself & did something about it. I became very forceful with it & she actually enjoyed it. Not that this will work with all but I think in your case a big discussion is needed before it is too late.


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## Kenya26 (Mar 31, 2008)

Since you state that this has always been an issue, I really cant or wont jump to the conclusion that there is someone else present. I really feel that she does have some issues with sex and they could steem from a lot of different reasons. However, if a counselor nor you could get to the root of them, I am not sure who can help her if she is not willing to help herself. It is not normal, no matter how long a couple has been married to not have sex. If you cant have a healthy sex life with your spouse, then who? I would suggest appealing to your wife in a different manner, not confrontational, just inquisitively. Inquire about the number of sex partners she has had in life, and maybe delve into her childhood a little bit. A life-altering experience can make a woman not enjoy sex anymore, and so can emotional issues that go untreated for a long time. I even experienced this before.


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## juls (Apr 1, 2008)

ahubby, you need to make her sit down with you an talk. What she is doing is controling the only aspect of your marriage she can and that is sex. It often amazes me to hear, well what are you doing to help out around the house or maybe she isn't getting from you. 

Now, I would assume since you are posting here you have probably tried all of the "well if I cuddle more she will want to", "if I take out the trash maybe she will want to"..

When in all actuality it is HER sexuality. And her withholding the one basic thing in your realtionship that keeps you from being only roommates is wrong. 

I would also ask, is she on hormonal bitrth control. HBC is KNOWN to cause libido issues and depression in women. It is something to look into. 

I am married with 4 children. To the SAME man for 15 yrs. When we first married I withheld sex for a long time. Saying to my husband "your such a jerk is that the only thing on your mind"...Well yeah it is if your not getting it...I know this now.

And see another thing is I hate when people say "it's just sex"..No it's not just sex, it is intimacy it is passion and it is desire for one another...Yes sex is a need within a marriage ..If your not having sex with your husband or wife you are basicaklly roommates..Thats it..


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

juls said:


> ahubby, you need to make her sit down with you an talk. What she is doing is controling the only aspect of your marriage she can and that is sex. It often amazes me to hear, well what are you doing to help out around the house or maybe she isn't getting from you.
> 
> Now, I would assume since you are posting here you have probably tried all of the "well if I cuddle more she will want to", "if I take out the trash maybe she will want to"..
> 
> ...


well said.

draconis


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

"Well yeah it is if your not getting it...I know this now."

Out of curiosity, how long did it take you to figure this out? My gf has this stupid idea that withholding it and not telling me why is "OK" and that maybe I'll just stop asking and be happy with out it.

So am I going to have to wait 15 years before she figures it out or do I just have to up and cheat or dump someone who is perfectly good in other ways.


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## juls (Apr 1, 2008)

You know after so many yrs of my hubby dealing with this he finally said it has to change or I am done. And we did seperate, but for nly a month. It took me less than that month to realze that I was about to loose everything I wanted in a man because I was to afraid to give in to valnurability...


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

Juls:

I'd love to hear more details about the specifics of your resolution.

1) Do you believe he would have followed through if you had not returned? Ie: if you, during said month, decided not to get back together, would he have done the divorce thing?

2) Do you ever think he wonders whether or not you were sincere in getting back together? I have considered telling gf I'm calling it quits, and following through. However there would always be a doubt in my mind if she came back about whether she really wanted me, or just didn't want to be without the house/car/benefits...

3) What was the vulnerability that you felt you were afraid to give in to?

I am not far from being forced to make the same ultimatum myself. I don't want to, but I don't see anything else carrying the necessary weight.


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## juls (Apr 1, 2008)

HE had gotten to the point that yes he would have followed through. I was so wrapped up in every other aspect of life that I had left him behind. And I knew when he said I'm done something was really wrong, it's sad that it took me getting to that point to open my eyes...

He did "wonder" what my intentions were for a while. He did communicate those fears to me..He worried I was "just giving in to get him back and then back to square one"...But in time he realized this was not the case. 

My fear issues boiled down to me. I feared giving "ALL" of myself to anyone person. I gave what I thought I could handle loosing and kept the one thing I knew I still had conrol over and that was my sexuality. I feared if I gave all of everything I had in me that he would use to to hurt me. (baggage sucks). When in reality me withholding did more harm. I have a man whom loves me and everything about me and wanted to share it all with me. But I choose to keep the key thing that makes relationships into marriages..

I remember I used to say to him.."Well I have been cleaning your house all day and taking care of your kids and I'm tired now, how dare you get mad at me for not having sex with you"...He finally got to the point he said to me "you know I can get a maid to do all that, I want YOU. I want the intimacy and passion back and if I have to hire a maid so you won't be to tired for me then so be it"..and he is right..Now I know this. Now I know that the dishes could have waited and that time with him is more important. 

He is a wonderful, very fair man. ANd he just got to his breaking point almost 3 years ago. See he could have mimiced so many other men and women I read about..."other than our sex life EVERYTHING is fine"..That was us...We had a wonderful open line of communication marriage, except sex. 

I hope this makes sense it's 5 am and I am trying to type!


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

***But I choose to keep the key thing that makes relationships into marriages..

This is a very powerful and true statement. We often hear the flip side ("we're roommates") but seldom someone admitting. I know you've been through a powerful journey and learned a lot and am happy to hear it worked out.

***cleaning your house all day and taking care of your kids

Pet peeve here: I hate when a person tells his/her spouse "your kids" when they are "our"s.

***"you know I can get a maid to do all that, I want YOU. I want the intimacy and passion back and if I have to hire a maid so you won't be to tired for me then so be it"..and he is right..Now I know this.

Yeah this is the crux of it. If there's zero sex and lacking emotional intimacy, then really what is either person getting.

What you said about being afraid to give though was also very enlightening. I can imagine from his point of view, he also felt a bit insulted or shortchanged. Its like: "I MARRIED you, we have two kids together, where do you get off withholding anything on the grounds of "being afraid""

I am so happy to hear that things worked out, I really am. I had been afraid of getting to that breaking point and issuing an ultimatum or similar. I know before I do that, I will try forcing conversation. I'm sick of getting the "I don't want to talk about it" or "not now" or any other excuses for lacking in communication. I can see though that if she still uses those excuses, then its time to imply we might be better off taking a break.


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## pigpen (May 5, 2008)

Chopblock - you decide what IS the most important thing. Yeah, for a lot of people and couples sex is very important. It is not so important to others. But if it is important to YOU and she is not talking to you or actively trying to figure out why she does not want sex - then you have more problems than sex. 

I used to think a few months in a marriage was nothing to go sexless. And in the whole scheme of life a few months is really nothing. But not talking about it, not seeking answers is way more problematic and even if the sex comes back that other problem will still be there. 
Lots of people are "perfectly good" but maybe they are not the right ones for us.


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## showmomof2 (May 7, 2008)

I quit kissing my husband. He chews and has developed HORRIBLE mouth hygiene. I haven't kissed him in years. He knows why and doesn't feel the need to change it. 
Sorry for your situation. We still have sex...not as much as either of us would like, but it is there and very enjoyable.


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## Cindy (May 10, 2008)

You sound so sweet and sad. I think your wife was abused in the past. Apparently, sex reminds her of something horrible and the unwillingness to deal with it has caused her to miss out. Sex is mental and emotional for the ladies, so anything not in balance with either of those inferes with sex.

I was abused when I was younger and had the hardest time in the bedroom. I would have to remind myself, this is my husband, he loves me, and it's not dirty. When my husband finally told me he felt like a dirty old man whenever he asked me for sex b/c of the way I would react, I was heart broken. I decided I would not let what happened to me taint one more thing in my life. I would not let it rob me of my joy one more day. My husband had done nothing wrong and all he wanted was to show me love the way it was intended to be.

I no longer need my "mantra" and enjoy my husband when I can since we have 2 kids now. Sure, it still bothers me some days but I deal with as it comes, I refuse to be the victim anymore. 

You should sit your wife down and gently ask her if she has been abused. Sometimes, horrible things are hard to get out on our own and we need someone to ask, ya know, open the door. Let her know she is safe and that you will love her no matter what. That you are there to believe her and support her. Hopefully, she will open up. If she has been abused and finally opens up, keep in mind it will not be a quick fix. She will need to process what she's been holding back and learn how to live with it in a healthy manner. 

Hope it works out, sounds like you are a good husband. Hang in there!


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

Thank you Cindy, you make some excellent points. I remember her talking about vague stuff in the past, but never getting specific. While I'm perplexed, (given how sexually intense she was during the first part of our relationship) that these ghosts are reason to withhold now, I'll remain open to the possibility.

What you said about your husband not being responsible for atoning for someone elses crime is excellent. I feel I have given way too much to be held responsible for what someone else did.

I do hate being made to feel like I'm wrong for wanting sex with my partner, and not being told why.


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## Cindy (May 10, 2008)

"While I'm perplexed, (given how sexually intense she was during the first part of our relationship) that these ghosts are reason to withhold now, I'll remain open to the possibility."

Chopblock, I was the same with my husband. Trust me, it's perplexing to me too. The best way I can explain it, is it's easier to have sex, for some abused people, with people you don't have much of a bond with. After having a sexual experience that causes you to have to disconnect emotionally to survive it, it's very intimidating (for lack of a better word) to give your whole self over. You're giving over the part you couldn't protect before, the physical, as well as the part you could, the emotional. For some people, that's too much at first.

If you read up on sexual abuse, you'll see that a lot of the victims act out by having either several partners or none at all. Of course, it's different for everyone. 

You aren't to blame and shouldn't pay for another person's actions. Just try to continue to be patient (I know, easier said than done) and talk about it. You have to get it out in the open and deal with the ugliness. There really is no good reason to withhold sex, in my opinion, unless there's an injury or illness. Take care.


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## 082206 (Jun 21, 2008)

i am in the same boat, sex with no passion, twice a month if i am lucky. I have been married 4 yrs but two yrs apart because of the Army. if my wife never has sex again she would probably be all to happy. i now sneak away to masturbate and no longer enjoy sex but i still crave it. my wife is a victim of rape and sexual abuse from previous relationships, and she makes me feel as if I were the rapist and it has been this way from before we were married. by the way we dated for a year before we were married and had sex for the first time on our wedding night, when she actually wanted to skip the sex part that night, i should have known, love is not just blind its blinding.


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## Corina (May 15, 2008)

juls said:


> ..If your not having sex with your husband or wife you are basicaklly roommates..Thats it..


Sounds pretty sad if sex is the only thing that makes your partner feel like more than just a roommate to you


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

Finally after an 8+ month drought, gf tossed me a little salvation. I'm hoping not to have to wait 8 months for the next meal. I've already said how I never want to have to wait that long again, and I hope she realizes I'm serious. I don't want to make her feel like I'm threatening her, because then I'll just get unwilling compliance and resent. God I hate being so sensitive 

Very sorry to hear about your situation 082206 -- our men in service deserve so much better. I'll bet when she said she wanted to skip the sex on the wedding night, you were thinking "ohhhhh crap".


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## adviceseeker (Jul 2, 2008)

I'm reading all these posts with fascination as I also had issues with sex and would deny my husband for weeks on end. Maybe I can shed some light for some of the other husbands out there. I was abused as a child and continued to have a string of abusive bfs and one attempted rape as a young adult. Before I met my husband it was easy for me to have sex with someone, because I didn't love them so it didn't mean anything and having sex was almost a way of proving that I wasn't affected. With my husband it was different because I had to give so much more of myself to have sex with someone I love. Needless to say that my husband is a saint in this department and I'm sure he spent many a sleepless and frustrated night, but what really helped was talking about things and spending lots of time being physically intimate without having sex. For most women that have been abused they will still feel used every time they have sex, even though they know that you love them. It makes no sense! You have to help her to see that you're not using her. Not easy. You will also need to be sure that you love her and she's worth it because it will take a lot of patience to restore a normal sexual relationship. Don't give up and force her to tackle it and talk about it - don't let her just ignore it or bury it because you'll never have a normal sexlife then. Even if things with my husband don't work out now I owe him the world for teaching me that sex can be a beautiful and normal thing.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Corina said:


> Sounds pretty sad if sex is the only thing that makes your partner feel like more than just a roommate to you


Sexual intimacy is a critical part of marriage--barring some health problem.

Knowing this, a spouse denying intimacy to the other is indulging in deliberate hostility.

Making love is a joyful glue that connects two people together far more than just about anything. Yes, it is the thing that sets a marriage up as more than two roommates living together. Not being able to have that would be intolerable in a marriage.


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## adviceseeker (Jul 2, 2008)

"Sexual intimacy is a critical part of marriage--barring some health problem.

Knowing this, a spouse denying intimacy to the other is indulging in deliberate hostility"

Sorry but I don't agree with this - and I think it's the reason that many marriages break down. Assuming that it's a deliberate act of hostility will lead to hostility in return and so on. There are MANY other reasons for with-holding sex apart from hostility or health problems (stress, fear, pain, anxiety, lower libido) than deliberately being hostile. I'm not saying that it is never done deliberately, because I'm sure this also happens, but I think that the other options should be investigated first before you jump to a conclusion like that. 

I agree that not having it in a marriage is awful, but making one person feeling guilty for not giving it is probably not going to help.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

adviceseeker said:


> "Sexual intimacy is a critical part of marriage--barring some health problem.
> 
> Knowing this, a spouse denying intimacy to the other is indulging in deliberate hostility"
> 
> ...


But ... there's always a but. As one of the many males encountering this issue with their spouse, I can tell you that it isn't about making your partner feel guilty. It's about being fair. It's about being perceived by your partner as a sex-crazed deviant for having the audacity to ask, cajole, insist, plead, for sex - irregardless of frequency (usually measured in weeks or months).

Even if we acknowledge that there are extraneous issues or circumstances compounding the problem, _we_ are the ones colored as insensitive or selfish. My wife did experience physical discomfort with intercourse for years. I encouraged her to speak with a physician, we focussed on foreplay, we used hi-tech, space age lubricants. Keep in mind, that at most, we were being intimate roughly every 6-8 weeks. She was dismissive. There was no 'problem'. 'My expectations were too high''. Every married couple is the same way'. On and on.

Basically, I tried being loving, reasonable, supportive, encouraging. At the end of the day, _she was using guilt on me for asking._ Things turned around when it became clear to her that I had no intention of living the rest of my life in a partnership with this dynamic, and the reality was, it had become hostile. Very hostile. All because it had become easier over time to avoid or deflect dealing with it, than actually addressing the foundation of the problem. It is unfortunate that the circumstances must deteriorate to such a point and become such an onus, rather than communicating and responding to one another favorably at the first sign of cracks in the relationship.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

ahubby said:


> When she does give in to my asking for sex (about once or twice a month) it is usually done so with stipulations of no kissing or much touching.


It's a shame that ahubby seems to have left updating this thread, I hope I'm not typing into that vacuum otherwise known as cyberspace...

I feel that ahubby is being sent a huge message by his wife and she is waiting for a response. I don't think it's beyond saving, but at the moment she appears not to love or fancy him at all. However, he seems to think it is something wrong with her sex drive. That would not explain what can only be described as her revulsion for him. Sorry to be so direct.


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## Pinkyshot (Jul 30, 2008)

I have to say to think sex is something that is owed because your married is just wrong. Yes there should be sex in a marriage to make it healthy, but just because one of the partners in the relationship is having trouble with it does not mean it has something to do with not finding the other partner attractive. Most the time it has to do with emotional and physical problems, like just being to stressed out to even think of enjoying sex, or having a low sex drive. Some woman do find sex uncomfortable and should go to the doctor about it. If its uncomfortable who would want to do it. I don't like it that someone thinks a person is just holding out and being selfish...while that maybe true in some cases, I think most the time it is not. No one said she has revulsion towards him if its been happening since they got together then that is not it. I am thinking it has to do with something personally to her and really has nothing to do with him. Pushing it probably just makes her feel worse and makes the problem worse. Also people should not be so judgementel we are only getting one side of the story here and while he is seeing it one way shes probably seeing it totally different. To say you think you know what she is probably thinking is usually not what she is thinking.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Pinkyshot -

I would imagine that when they were first courting, there was kissing. Otherwise, how could they have found themselves getting married?

I think we need to stay with the facts here. And the facts are she does not even want kisses from him.


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## weakerbytheday (Sep 30, 2008)

adviceseeker said:


> I'm reading all these posts with fascination as I also had issues with sex and would deny my husband for weeks on end. Maybe I can shed some light for some of the other husbands out there. I was abused as a child and continued to have a string of abusive bfs and one attempted rape as a young adult. Before I met my husband it was easy for me to have sex with someone, because I didn't love them so it didn't mean anything and having sex was almost a way of proving that I wasn't affected. With my husband it was different because I had to give so much more of myself to have sex with someone I love. Needless to say that my husband is a saint in this department and I'm sure he spent many a sleepless and frustrated night, but what really helped was talking about things and spending lots of time being physically intimate without having sex. For most women that have been abused they will still feel used every time they have sex, even though they know that you love them. It makes no sense! You have to help her to see that you're not using her. Not easy. You will also need to be sure that you love her and she's worth it because it will take a lot of patience to restore a normal sexual relationship. Don't give up and force her to tackle it and talk about it - don't let her just ignore it or bury it because you'll never have a normal sexlife then. Even if things with my husband don't work out now I owe him the world for teaching me that sex can be a beautiful and normal thing.


I feel like your talking to me. I would like to talk to you more about this or someone with the same thoughts.. I need help understanding my wife


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## allaloneinbr (Sep 29, 2008)

I am in the complete opposite situation my marriage has lack of communication except in the bed room. I love sex I love everything about it, the one thing many men may need to do is ask not what you can do for me but what I can do for you...I know that in these possible abusive situations this will not work so please do not misunderstand that part. Ask you wife or girlfriend what do they like, do they even know? Maybe they think sex is really just for the guy...let me tell you ladies the best sex i have even had is when my husband is on the same page as I am. I can talk dirty without being judged I can have fantasies and not feel like I am a immoral person because I want to have sex. My H and I though dealing with other issues do have a fantastic sex life I have been married for 5 years and we still have sex sometime as much as 3 to 4 times a week. I like that we can explore each others likes and dislikes he likes porn it is ok I like it too, not all the time and not evertime just for fun. I guess what I am trying to say is sex is not and should not be considered a chore. Sorry for the ranting good luck I feel real bad for the guys getting or not getting it I should say.


/


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Pinkyshot said:


> I have to say to think sex is something that is owed because your married is just wrong. Yes there should be sex in a marriage to make it healthy, but just because one of the partners in the relationship is having trouble with it does not mean it has something to do with not finding the other partner attractive. Most the time it has to do with emotional and physical problems, like just being to stressed out to even think of enjoying sex, or having a low sex drive. Some woman do find sex uncomfortable and should go to the doctor about it. If its uncomfortable who would want to do it. I don't like it that someone thinks a person is just holding out and being selfish...while that maybe true in some cases, I think most the time it is not. No one said she has revulsion towards him if its been happening since they got together then that is not it. I am thinking it has to do with something personally to her and really has nothing to do with him. Pushing it probably just makes her feel worse and makes the problem worse. Also people should not be so judgementel we are only getting one side of the story here and while he is seeing it one way shes probably seeing it totally different. To say you think you know what she is probably thinking is usually not what she is thinking.


ya see, the problem is that the person with the problem (physical or emotional) is not dealing with it by getting help. the person with the problem KNOWS they are not providing their partner with basic needs of intimacy, yet they refuse in many cases to acknowledge it, deal with it and hold up their end of the marriage. what is the other partner to do? try to help but if the response just isnt there, then.............


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

---I don't like it that someone thinks a person is just holding out and being selfish...while that maybe true in some cases, I think most the time it is not.---

I would tend to think that if physical discomfort, or some other "acceptable" excuse is the reason behind the withholding, that the withholder would be very forthcoming in order to get the victim off her back. If she keeps avoiding discussion, making fake excuses, and blowing him off with no explanation whatsoever, he is NOT going to want it LESS.

Its like saying "well maybe if I just stop feeding the dog, the dog will stop begging me for food". If you don't mind killing the dog, I guess that will work.

---Pushing it probably just makes her feel worse and makes the problem worse.---

Agreed, but there is also the problem of "implied acceptance". The victim does not want the withholder to think that a lack of protest actually constitutes acceptance. The victim does not want the withholder to turn around and say "oh, you're upset about that? Well this is the first I'm hearing of it". The victim does not want the withholder to think that the problem can be ignored out of existence.

---When she does give in to my asking for sex (about once or twice a month) it is usually done so with stipulations of no kissing or much touching.---

And from personal experience, I can tell you that "agree to her because its this or nothing" is going through his head. When she makes you wait a month or two, you don't risk turning her away.

I agree with everything that is being said about the withholder refusing to acknowledge that there is a problem. Though in many cases, I am skeptical whether that is just a deflection tactic.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Chopblock-

You used the word "victim" in that post at least 3 times. That is the problem. Who wants to be a victim? If your gf knew you would leave after even a 2 week sex strike -like I would- she would be different. But then you would be different.


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## weakerbytheday (Sep 30, 2008)

What is to gain by saying no to the sex you don't want? My wife has high Anxiety, I’d say that she somewhat bipolar and a whole lot of OCD, but she disagrees. Our relationship progressed very fast we ended up pregnant and married in just over a year. I knew she had anger issues, but I could always say enough and go home. That changed when we had the baby, I’m not leaving him. She says that her “anxiety and anger” are from her child hood. I agree, knowing what I know now about it. She and we have tried counseling several times, but she always stops when she can’t hide anymore. Which is why the posting by adviceseeker, made so much sense to me. When we were dating it was a frenzy of fun and sex, too much at times….. I can’t believe I’m saying that now, but it is the truth. Now, I think she has sex with me every couple of months as a token. I want to say no, but some is better then none or is it? I feel her actions are do to being married and living in the same house she can’t hide her true self from me. Her way of hiding from her issues are to with drawl emotionally until I’m so frustrated that I’m ready to walk out the door or to project her inner feelings on me so that she can blame me for something. I then end up being the cause of her withholding emotions and affection. She has tried almost every medication on the market, not long enough to dial it in for her chemical make up. She’ll start feeling good, stop taking the meds then 2 months later were ready for a divorce. As for me talking to her about it, again it’s my fault. We don’t fight much any more, because I stay away from her “triggers” as I find them. I pick my fights and hope for better the next day, knowing that it’s not likely to change. I feel like it’s my burden to bear for the sake of my son and step daughter. 

Does any of that make sense?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

weakerbytheday-

Of course it makes sense. But if she knew you were on the verge of leaving for good, she might be motivated to work on it. This is the only deal that cuts it in a situation like yours.

In a way, by your compliance you have trained her to be lazy.


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

ahubby said:


> Im writing to you to get both a collective opinion and advice. My wife and I have been together for over ten years and our sex life is pathetic, at least i think it is. We do have a few kids and over the past couple of years, sex, what was in my opinion poor before, has gotten worse. Now i know kids can have a large impact on the sexual relationship between a couple but i wanted to reiterate that sex for my wife has always been as she says not enjoyable and thus our sex life has always been sub-par. As you can imagine we have talked about this issue over the years and she never has an explanation about why she doesnt like sex. She usually gives answers like, "I just dont find it enjoyable" and is passive when trying to discuss further. She has never let me give her an orgasm nor has she done anything interactive during sex. We have tried counseling but it never has gotten down to the root of the issue although the counselor thought it could be a control issue on her part. I have thought and asked her is it me and i do believe her when she says its not. Lately sex has gotten really pathetic though. When she does give in to my asking for sex (about once or twice a month) it is usually done so with stipulations of no kissing or much touching. When i try to discuss this with her and tell her this situation isnt normal for a married couple she says, and believes, that most married people are in the same situation as we are and it is completely normal. Im treated as though my requests for a healthy sex life is abnormal. I find that hard to believe which is one of the reasons im posting.
> 
> I am a very sexual person and enjoy sex a lot. It deeply bothers me to not be intimate with my wife. I want her to enjoy sex and would do anything she would want sexually. I love her very much and feel this is the one thing in our relationship that is wrong.
> 
> Any incite or advice would be appreciated.


I do not understand her. And, yes, it is very wrong. I do know one thing, because I am a woman, that women tend to push their husband away physically when you have ignored us or upset us. I doubt that most married people are in your situation exactly. Although, if anyone has been married any amount of time, I am sure there has been times the wife has said no. As for her not enjoying it; I am thinking the reason may simply be that she doesn't WANT to enjoy it. I would say the root of the problem is mental or emotional, and not physical. Women's mind and emotions tend to rule our lives in every way, even physically. 

How is your relationship with her when it comes to emotional closeness? Do you spend time with her, take her on dates, sit down and talk to her. Do you listen to her and care about her feelings? Women WILL push their husbands away physically if YOU have pushed us away emotionally. Intimacy is very important in marriage. If you don't have physical intimacy, it can be very dangerous, and can cause someone to seek an affair. But emotional intimacy is just as important. The thing that men want and need is physical intimacy. Women need emotional intimacy. And the marriage, for it to be healthy, needs BOTH. I find that If I have felt ignored and pushed away emotionally, that I want to push my husband away physically. And, yes, it could be an issue of control. When we women have tried to get our husbands to be close to us emotionally, and it hasn't worked; we try to take control of the one thing that we CAN control: our bodies. Therefore, we withhold physical intimacy. We think, he ignores me in every way emotionally, so I am going to ignore him physically.

You do need some help: counseling or something. A marriage can't keep going the direction yours is going, or it will not last.


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

Pinkyshot said:


> I have to say to think sex is something that is owed because your married is just wrong. Yes there should be sex in a marriage to make it healthy, but just because one of the partners in the relationship is having trouble with it does not mean it has something to do with not finding the other partner attractive. Most the time it has to do with emotional and physical problems, like just being to stressed out to even think of enjoying sex, or having a low sex drive. Some woman do find sex uncomfortable and should go to the doctor about it. If its uncomfortable who would want to do it. I don't like it that someone thinks a person is just holding out and being selfish...while that maybe true in some cases, I think most the time it is not. No one said she has revulsion towards him if its been happening since they got together then that is not it. I am thinking it has to do with something personally to her and really has nothing to do with him. Pushing it probably just makes her feel worse and makes the problem worse. Also people should not be so judgementel we are only getting one side of the story here and while he is seeing it one way shes probably seeing it totally different. To say you think you know what she is probably thinking is usually not what she is thinking.


I agree with you. Sex isn't something that one "owes" the other. If sex is "owed" to a man then communication, attention, and care is "owed" to a woman. The man's needs are not more important, and do not take precedence over the woman's needs.


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## tornapart (Sep 5, 2010)

Originally Posted by Green-Moo 
So many guys forget that lovemaking is something that needs to happen all the time in daily life. And I don't mean doing it on the kitchen table! I mean just touching your partner, holding their hand, talking to them, appreciating them.

From a guys point of view. My wife doesn't do any of the above, and acts like I am a pain when I kiss her or rub her behind when we pass each other. Her attitude with sex latley is more of a hurry up and get it over with. EVEN though she reaches climax! When I leave for work and kiss her and say "I LOVE YOU", she will usually say nothing, but does sometimes grunt in response.


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## jdoe (Apr 22, 2014)

weakerbytheday said:


> My wife has high Anxiety, I’d say that she somewhat bipolar and a whole lot of OCD, but she disagrees. Our relationship progressed very fast we ended up pregnant and married in just over a year. I knew she had anger issues, but I could always say enough and go home. That changed when we had the baby, I’m not leaving him. She says that her “anxiety and anger” are from her child hood. I agree, knowing what I know now about it. She and we have tried counseling several times, but she always stops when she can’t hide anymore. ... Now, I think she has sex with me every couple of months as a token. ... I feel like it’s my burden to bear for the sake of my son and step daughter.


This is nearly exactly my story. Except we have sex about twice a year. Have things gotten better for you?


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