# A thread to help disloyals figure out how to get out of the fog



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

This thread is started for Athena and Dwilliams who started responding to flowergirl on this thread: "HELP!! Need input from women who have had an affair!" 

I am going to specifically ask ONE THING of those who post here. If a person was or is disloyal and has the courage to come here and try to talk it out and work through it, please reply to them with respect, don't call names or take out your pain on them, and please try to give them help. From me, I will do my best to help anyone who writes here to see that you CAN end the affair, return to your spouse, and re-kindle the love. It's possible, and there are people here who can offer hope. Now no one can guarantee, but we sure can help! 

There are two folks who inspired me to start this thread: Athena and Dwilliams. So here are their posts: 

ATHENA:



> I wish I could get beyond the fog. Trouble is, it is only 3 weeks since D-Day and things are still raw for everyone involved. I don't think it is realistic to expect me to get over a 2 year PA (10 year EA) and flip over to having feelings for BH so quickly.
> 
> Right now my feelings are I the wrong place - I know that. But I don't know how to put them back where they belong.
> 
> ...





> (mslonely) My BH is a good father. But can I stay in a marriage when that is all there is? I don't want to be just roommates with children.
> 
> (dblkman) I am in the fog, but I am also quite self-aware. I see what I am doing falls right into the normal pattern for WW and even though I know all of this, it doesn't change my feelings for BH.
> 
> ...





> You are right - I was being harsh in the zombie comment.
> 
> I know I should be encouraged by my reaction to someone suggesting I should just leave - it scares me and doesn't feel right. But I tried to make a list of reasons to stay and work on my marriage. We have young children, a nice home, wonderful extended families and great jobs. None of my reasons are about him. Sure I want a marriage full of love and hope/excitement for the future, but I don't feel any of that with him.
> 
> ...


DWILLIAMS:


> Flowergirl, Your posts really hits home. I am in a similar situation.....married for 8 yrs, 2 kids...marriage fell completely apart, I began an affair one month before I moved out and left my husband. I continue to talk to the OM, but my husband has done a complete turn-around. Does everything I ever wanted him to do before I left. I even owned up to my affair and he says he'll forgive me if we go to counseling. I haven't agreed to it yet b/c part of me loves the OM and a part of me wants to try counseling. I am still "in a fog" as put earlier. I have no idea what to do. If there weren't kids involved, I probably would not go back, but I feel really guilty for not giving my marriage everything I have before I just up and left. My HB says I have to choose what I want, but how do you do that when you don't even know what it is you want? And how can you be committed to one way or the other when you're heart is not completely healed from the breakup? I feel your pain, girl! I hope things work out for the best - no matter which way it goes for you. I'm still having emotional breakdowns and wonder if I'm just totally crazy. Sometimes the answers stare you in the face and you don't even realize it. Time will tell and also heal the pain. Things always work out for the best.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

I was reading that thread earlier and I think that when the Disloyals share their pain and frustration it can be helpful to people like me. I've had difficulties with anger and resentment of the OW, but when I read of their struggles, I can't help but feel sympathetic. For the first time, I actually felt a twinge of that for the OW in my case. In the past, it would have just made me angry. I guess that's progress. 

So, I hope they'll continue posting here and not just for my selfish reasons- I hope they'll find help here,too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

The only gripe I have with this "fog" word that is thrown around is often it is real!! Call it chemicals, call it lust, call it a piece of "strange" I can only go by my experience and as I've stated many times the 3 WOMEN I've known that have strayed.......have either stayed with or are married to TOM. If it lasts for years how is it a "fog"????

I know statistically it's under 10%, but in my reality it's more like 100% or the spouse is just cheating to cheat and those are mainly guys or it ends in divorce and TOM is very much a part of the woman's life for years!!

I'm not a big believer in the "fog".

That's all!!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I understand what you mean. We actually use that term moreso to describe when a Disloyal Spouse (DS) says things like "I never loved you" or "I was never happy" and you can look back in pictures or remember back, and you KNOW that they were! Or when they say things like "How *DARE* you invade my privacy!!" like that's the world's most heinous crime while they were using that privacy to commit adultery. We have to have some word to describe that phenomena, which seems so different and contradictory to the person you've known for the past XX years. Sometimes we use that term "fog" because even when it's occurring it does sort of feel like fog: you can't see straight or think straight, can't decide which way to go, and everything is unclear. Other times we'll call it the Evil Twin, not necessarily meaning that a DS is "evil" but as a reference to that Star Trek show where they had Evil Twins with a goatee--it looked like them and sounded like them, but they were the exact opposite of them (like Evil Spock was all emotional, and Evil Kirk didn't try to get his shirt off in front of the female aliens! LOL). 

Some folks are hard-wired to never, ever, under ANY circumstance to admit they were wrong. If we, here on TAM, were to generally agree that "cheating is wrong"--some people who have cheated just do not have the courage to say "I think what I did was wrong." Thus they'll spend their whole lives avoiding that and if need be, proving it by staying in the hole that they dug for themselves!  All I can say to that is (shrug) that's their choice.


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## athena (Oct 28, 2010)

LuvMyH said:


> I was reading that thread earlier and I think that when the Disloyals share their pain and frustration it can be helpful to people like me. I've had difficulties with anger and resentment of the OW, but when I read of their struggles, I can't help but feel sympathetic. For the first time, I actually felt a twinge of that for the OW in my case. In the past, it would have just made me angry. I guess that's progress.
> 
> So, I hope they'll continue posting here and not just for my selfish reasons- I hope they'll find help here,too.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for your support. I too think that sharing our stories is good for both BS and WS. I have learned a lot about what my BH must be going through and what he may be thinking about my behavior from reading other threads. Perhaps the disloyal side of the story can help someone else in their efforts to repair a marriage. 

Thanks Affaircare for starting this thread and giving flowergirl hers back 

I am also interested in the definition of "fog". I am very self-aware in my misbehaviors, yet was justifying it up to and including D-Day. 

For me, at first it was all about "why should I try to fix things" and then "I don't feel like trying". This was because I had no feelings for BH. But I have since decided that unless I actually try to get those feelings back, I will always worry I gave up too early. 

Problem is, I don't know where to start! Obviously NC with TOM is critical and I will keep my distance as best as I can (we work together and it will be a little while yet before he finds a new job - I am confident we can behave).

I posted on another thread somewhere that I am not ready for physical intimacy with BH, so suggestions involving the bedroom are out for now. 

Plus, I know that the affair has left my memory of my marriage in shreds. I don't remember how I felt back when things were "good" and have doubts that they ever were. This may be tricky.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## athena (Oct 28, 2010)

OhGeesh said:


> The only gripe I have with this "fog" word that is thrown around is often it is real!! Call it chemicals, call it lust, call it a piece of "strange" I can only go by my experience and as I've stated many times the 3 WOMEN I've known that have strayed.......have either stayed with or are married to TOM. If it lasts for years how is it a "fog"????
> 
> I know statistically it's under 10%, but in my reality it's more like 100% or the spouse is just cheating to cheat and those are mainly guys or it ends in divorce and TOM is very much a part of the woman's life for years!!
> 
> ...


Curious ... Did these cheating women repeat their behavior once they were with TOM, or are they really happy now? It may be too early to tell as their initial infidelity probably didn't start until well into their failed marriages. 

Maybe "once a cheater, always a cheater" is more true when the cheater stays in the bad relationship. Maybe when they find someone who does meet their needs, they don't need to go looking elsewhere. I'm not defending having an affair, I am just discussing a possible reality of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

athena said:


> Curious ... Did these cheating women repeat their behavior once they were with TOM, or are they really happy now? It may be too early to tell as their initial infidelity probably didn't start until well into their failed marriages.


Athena, I'd like to be clear with you so you know where I'm coming from. I have been cheated on by my exH who did repeat his behavior with OW. To be semi-specific, he left me and our two kids for a woman who had four kids by four different men. I bet no one is surprised to discover that relationship did not last, and yet rather than admit he was wrong, he again went for the 'zing'--again and again. Finally after...oh I'd say about five years or so, maybe six...it dawned on him what he was doing and he admitted to me that he had made a mistake. On a personal level I'm glad for him that he did eventually realize it, but by then, five years after our divorce was final, I had more than "moved on." 

I have been disloyal also, and have not repeated my behavior with OM. This is going to sound REALLY dumb, but at the time I was doing it, I knew darn well it was wrong, but for once someone was paying attention to me and chasing me, and that was so exhilarating! So like most every DS I made excuses and justified my behavior by making my LS out to be the "bad guy"--blaming him for what I was doing. Then there came a point where I had to make a choice and I just could not continue to do what I knew was wrong. It was eating my guts alive! So I chose to do the right thing but it also felt in a way like returning to living death. But, rather than just wallowing in it, I also made a decision to really let my LS have a shot and really give it my very best shot myself. That meant, for me, never, ever even once looking at or checking on OM. This just can not happen. I'm sure it hurt him and he may wonder what happened or how I am or whatever, but it was ME who put him in the position to be hurt and a clean break is the best. I have to discipline myself!! So then next, I decided--made a decision--to try to teach myself to think differently of my own LS. For example, clearly there were things about him that I did like: concentrate on those! When I did have a negative thought pass through my head, get ride of it and replace it with something good, nice, or thoughtful that he just did. Know what I mean? Teach my brain to be different and to look at things as a blessing rather than something I'm lacking. None of this would have worked if it weren't for the fact that Dear Hubby was really working too. We were both trying hard and yes of course it felt like he was snooping on me but I deserved that and plus it was the fastest way to re-prove I was trustworthy--by being trustworthy and letting him catch me at it!  So nope, I didn't repeat my behavior and yes I'm very happy. We have seven kids, three cats, a dog, three fish, a little house and are not rich, but I'm very happy. I honestly love my Dear Hubby and from everything I can tell he loves me -AND- he's my best friend. 

Finally, I also work with people who are trying to recover after infidelity. The best hope and best outcome is if the affair ends and both LS and DS commit to working on their own issues and rebuilding a healthy, loving marriage. Sometimes one or the other says they'll commit and doesn't want to do any work, and the marriage may not end, but it's not healthy. And sometimes one or the other says, "Nope that's it. Put a fork in me I'm done!" In that case, the hope is to recover personally and still learn and grow as a person from what caused the affair. As a person who works with couples, I find that there are occasions when a DS stays with and marries their Other Person (OP), and those marriages turn into longer term relationships. But that's usually AFTER they've learned some life lessons as to why that first marriage didn't work...and having that occur is medium rare. Not impossible, but more like "unlikely." What is a lot more likely (I would estimate 60-70% or so) is that the DS looks for the 'zing' and has it temporarily with the OP. They may actually divorce and then marry each other, but those kinds of marriages began on lying and sneaking around--a foundation of dishonesty. A few years into it (3-5 years or so) one of the two gets a little bored, and gets the 'zing' from someone at work or school...and then THEY divorce and it goes on and one until, like my exH, they figure it out ... that the 'zing' doesn't equal love. Love is an action and a way of treating someone, not a feeling. 



> Maybe "once a cheater, always a cheater" is more true when the cheater stays in the bad relationship. Maybe when they find someone who does meet their needs, they don't need to go looking elsewhere. I'm not defending having an affair, I am just discussing a possible reality of it.


Well if the cheater stays in their bad marriage, and their LS refuses to make any changes or absolutely will not hear or understand that the DS has legitimate concerns...absolutely will not go to counseling or do personal work to repair the relationship--then I could say that most likely the DS will be disloyal again. However, it's my experience both personally and professionally, that if both spouses face that they both contributed, and both spouses actually learn something from the affair, that a new marriage can be rebuilt that is healthy, loving, and happy. Both spouses would need to learn about each other and learn their spouse's love language and what their spouse's needs are...and agree to meet them. Both spouse's would need to agree to what I call a Mutual United Understanding, which basically says "We agree to reach an understanding about which we are both enthusiastic before we make decisions." Both would have to agree to be transparent with each other and that's REALLY scary! 

But it can be done and usually it's better done in the marriage--building what you want--rather than leaping from person to person hoping to find the "right combination".


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## athena (Oct 28, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> I have been disloyal also, and have not repeated my behavior with OM.


I was referring to disloyals who marry the OM. Do they repeat that disloyal behavior?
I bet many do, but for some, perhaps they learned those lessons and can now apply them with someone who is able to meet their needs. 

My OM and I have learned a lot about relationships and not taking them for granted - we saw what happened to our marriages and how to prevent that with each other should we get together. We have shown each other that we can meet our needs and be excited about a future together (something I don't feel with my loyal husband). This is the fog, but it feels so real. 

My husband hasn't done anything since D-Day to make me think he will change. I obviously cheated because needs were not being met and I don't want to come back to him and still not have them met. I feel no attraction for him, so it makes sense that I would be pining for a man who met my needs and wants to work on making a happy life with me. He is in the same boat (not attracted to his wife and not sure he wants to try). 

When is a fog not a fog - when do the feelings and thoughts point to something more?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moeman (Aug 12, 2010)

athena said:


> I was referring to disloyals who marry the OM. Do they repeat that disloyal behavior?
> ...
> When is a fog not a fog - when do the feelings and thoughts point to something more?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good point. I haven't heard or read about one such case, but in most cases (including mine) the OM (or maybe for others the OW) is married too.

M.


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## I'msoconfused (Nov 1, 2010)

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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I am very close to 3 married couples, all who have now been married for more than 10 years. All 3 relationships began as affairs. 

I still generally associate the 'fog' with rewriting history, avoidance, denial, blaming the betrayed spouse, and failure to take responsibility.

The fog is the 'high'. I would say when the high goes away, and the WS is left with the reality of life with the OM or OW - and still wants to pursue the relationship, it's no longer the fog.

My ex was in the fog. She isn't any longer, and most certainly has doubts about the longevity and foundation of her relationship with TOM.

There's plenty of pain to go around. It's easy to presume white hats and black hats, it's never that simple ... but no less tragic.

Great thread AC.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

NOTE TO SELF: It's very late and I'm very tired, but I will reply to this tomorrow (Friday) okay? However, one important point I'd like to make is that as Deejo pointed out, it's called "fog" when there is rewriting of history ("I was never happy" "I never loved you"), avoidance (usually of being transparently honest), denial, blaming the betrayed spouse, and failure to take personal responsibility.

However, one odd but very common mysnomer is that "fog" lasts forever. Nope. It's an affair until the divorce is over. Turning to another person to have your needs met, rather than giving 100% of your affection and loyalty to the one you promised it to when you married...is an affair. But once the divorce is over there isn't an affair anymore. It's a relationship. 

Now, the divorce being finalized does not make everything in that relationship "healthy" "alright" "moral" or even "legal"!! But it's no longer an affair. It's a relationship that was built on dishonesty and unfaithfulness as a foundation, and if they can break their promise to the first spouse, they can just as easily either break their promise to YOU! There are the rare occasions, though, when a person is unfaithful but also learns a lesson "the hard way" (through a degree from The School of Hard Knocks) and doesn't repeat the mistake. It's fairly rare but it does happen--as Deejo apparently has witnessed three times.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Affaircare said:


> I understand what you mean. We actually use that term moreso to describe when a Disloyal Spouse (DS) says things like "I never loved you" or "I was never happy" and you can look back in pictures or remember back, and you KNOW that they were! Or when they say things like "How *DARE* you invade my privacy!!" like that's the world's most heinous crime while they were using that privacy to commit adultery. We have to have some word to describe that phenomena, which seems so different and contradictory to the person you've known for the past XX years. Sometimes we use that term "fog" because even when it's occurring it does sort of feel like fog: you can't see straight or think straight, can't decide which way to go, and everything is unclear. Other times we'll call it the Evil Twin, not necessarily meaning that a DS is "evil" but as a reference to that Star Trek show where they had Evil Twins with a goatee--it looked like them and sounded like them, but they were the exact opposite of them (like Evil Spock was all emotional, and Evil Kirk didn't try to get his shirt off in front of the female aliens! LOL).
> 
> Some folks are hard-wired to never, ever, under ANY circumstance to admit they were wrong. If we, here on TAM, were to generally agree that "cheating is wrong"--some people who have cheated just do not have the courage to say "I think what I did was wrong." Thus they'll spend their whole lives avoiding that and if need be, proving it by staying in the hole that they dug for themselves!  All I can say to that is (shrug) that's their choice.


Great post! What I really want to know is how to move forward now that Im out of the fog and my husband is still in his, or back in his fog? His affair was years longer... and way more EA than mine...


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

To me, it's what I call the "good guy/bad guy" syndrome. You love your spouse, swear that you will never hurt them, and they are the good guy. Then you meet the OM/W, and start developing "crush" thoughts. The OM/W is a "good guy", and your spouse still is, too. Then, slowly but surely, you start feeling depressed. You know that what you are doing is wrong, and the OM/W is still forbidden fruit, but they are starting to look sweeter, and now your mind is starting to rationalize what you are doing. You're in love with the OM/W, and now you have to justify it. You start looking back on your marriage, and you start finding "evidence"- that time I wanted to be intimate, but they were too tired, the times that they didn't help enough with the kids, house, etc., the time they forgot an important date, the times I needed them, and they just weren't there, that time they looked just a little too long at that other person, the time they got angry and yelled. 
And that's where the "fog", "rewriting history", or the "good guy/bad guy" sneaked in.
My spouse will never be as loving, caring, handsome/beautiful, funny, successful, sexually satisfying, and just as "good" as the OM/W-and you've rewritten history to suit your new situation- all the evidence that the spouse who was once the most wonderful person whom you would never betray and hurt was, in reality, the biggest a**hole, they had me fooled into thinking I really loved them, they must have preyed on my insecurities or I felt sorry for them, and they "tricked" me into marrying their worthless a**, how could I be such a fool to fall for their lies.....

Then when the affair comes to light, you have all the ammo you need. 
You're a jerk, I never really loved you, if only you had done your job, I wouldn't have looked elsewhere, he/she is more of a man/woman then you'll ever be, you're not the same person I married, it's all YOUR fault that this happened.

I know, my imagination runs wild!


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

I think my husband could have written that....


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## athena (Oct 28, 2010)

My counsellor has given me an exercise to do and it may help give some clarity to the fog.

Make a list of all of your needs. Then (and this is very hard and feels so selfish), be honest with yourself and decide (for each need) if your spouse is really CAPABLE of meeting it (in the way you want) in the LONG TERM (not just long enough to get you back ... long enough to keep you). Do the same for the OP. The OP will meet a lot of the needs, but be fair and make sure you have identified the needs your spouse may be meeting - can the OP meet them as well?

It seems unfair to your spouse since you are doing all the judging based on your experience and history with them and not giving them a chance to prove themselves. But it is an interesting exercise to look into your heart and if you are being really honest, what you think your future with them will look like.

If you find yourself thinking "maybe" on whether they can meet a need ... just put down a no.

When you are done, take this list to your counsellor and discuss it. But my guess is that this is a pretty simple way (without actually making a decision) to test out Plan A (no contact and work on the marriage) vs Plan B (leave the marriage and play house with the OM). You are trying to decide where your needs are met best. 

I would personally suggest that you try Plan A first as it does seem more fair and less disruptive to everyone. But if your list is really showing that you have no faith in your spouse's ability to meet your needs, that is why you are so confused right now and maybe Plan B deserves some consideration.

I wonder how we would feel if our loyal spouses started trying to get our attention just like our affair partners did in the beginning. They see us hurting and offer us their shoulder to cry on and listen to us. We open up to them. They work their way into our lives and become that best friend. They "get" us. I know it is hard to think about, but if your loyal spouse was to try and relate to the difficult position you are in and talk to you about the decisions you are facing, would you not feel just a little closer to them? Maybe that is all we need - our spouses to become the Other Other Person and steal us away from our affairs


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## athena (Oct 28, 2010)

I'msoconfused - I really do feel your pain. I know I am having a hard enough time making a decision regarding a husband who doesn't have any medical challenges that get in the way. Your situation is so much more difficult.

They say we should weather the storms in our marriages "in good times and in bad, until death do us part". I think that sentiment is meant to show that we should try and work on problems together, but i don't think it is fair for one person to give up their happiness for the sake of staying together until the bitter end.

I really don't like giving quick judgements on personal situations i don't know much about. But my first impression is that while you want to be a good friend and stand by your husband, you also need to take care of yourself. Even on airplanes, they tell us to put on our own masks before helping someone else. You need to be the best you can be. And you may just need to leave your marriage to do that. Then you can be a friend to your husband (since that is all he can really give you now) and still have your needs met ... in a different relationship.

My opinion may not be popular around here, but I thought I'd offer it up for your consideration.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I actually have two posts I'd like to do for this thread. The first post will be longer-ish and is about the steps to coming out of the fog. Just as there are "steps to ending an affair" for a loyal spouse, there are steps for a disloyal spouse to take to end their infidelity and clear up the fog. So that one will be post number one. 

For the second post, I'd like to go through some of the posts by athena and toolate and Imsoconfused (and those following along like snowstorm, MsLonely, sophiasfriend, or 8yearscheating) and point out "this is a foggy statement" and "here is reality." Remember, fog does not mean it's not something you feel or it's not happening...it means it's based on falsehoods or unclear thinking which then sends you off track or into more falsehoods or fantasy. Envision a train track that has a Y junction with one going straight ahead and one veering to the right--so I'll point out the spots where you're kind of going off into justifications and illusion.

Sooo...on with the show! Here's the first post!


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## I'msoconfused (Nov 1, 2010)

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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

*STEPS TO COMING OUT OF AN AFFAIR: PART ONE*

When a Loyal Spouse (LS) comes here to this site, usually they are completely freaked out and in a state of emotional shock and upheaval. Everything they thought they could depend on has be shattered and their world is rocked to the core--so often they'll do something that's utterly against their usual nature, like an LS who's usually pretty easy-going will hit the Other Person (OP). And one of the first things we do when an LS comes here is to calm them down and get them to do deep breathing, pray, meditate whatever until they are able to think again and their brain kicks in. 

Then one of the next things we do is tell them to look at our article "How Do Affairs Start" and start getting honest with themselves. So here's a person who's been loyal in their marriage; sure it was not perfect and they had stopped doing the Love Kindlers and started doing more and more Love Extinguishers...but they didn't cheat! And you know what we tell them? "YOU contributed to this!" Can you imagine how hard that is to hear? Lot's of them hear that as "It's your fault" and it's not. If you cheated, you made the choice so YOU are responsible for it, not them--but they did contribute to creating an environment so that the marriage was vulnerable and it just as easily could have been them if circumstances had been a little different. It is a VERY hard pill to swallow! VERY HARD! But for those who do, usually right about then a lightbulb goes off in their head and they start to "get it." 

For a Disloyal Spouse (DS) actually it's pretty similar. Take a look at the article and see if some part of you doesn't say, "Yeah that's exactly what it was like! Seriously we were just friends and then it blossomed into more." See if some part of you doesn't understand the concept that love is like a fire and that there are some actions that kindle the love (like spending time together, talking all night long, being romantic, wanting to touch each other, actually CARING) and some actions that extinguish the love (like yelling, blaming, being apart all the time, ignoring each other, only touching for sex, and acting like you don't care). One of the reasons you fell for the OP is that they took the time to do things that kindled love while your spouse was extinguishing it! 

But here's the part that is pretty unpopular to hear. YOU contributed to this. It's not as if you were as pure as the driven snow in your marriage and your spouse was an evil monster. I will bet you money that when you met your spouse, both of you did kindler stuff like spending time together all the time, writing each other little love notes, getting surprises for each other, doing kind things for each other, trying to look good and smell good for each other, wanting to hug and touch and kiss, having fun together. Then you got married and you realized he/she hung the TP backwards or squeezed the toothpaste in the middle...and you did a few little extinguishers. A little time went by and along came the kids and you would wear sweats and gained a bunch of weight, you were too tired for sex or made excuses, you yelled about not helping out with chores, and nagged him/her to spend less time at work but also nagged about money. Right? This degenerated into screaming matches every night. 

I point this out to you, because you are an ADULT. When you married someone, you voluntarily promised to always consider another person (your spouse) and how it would affect them. You voluntarily promised to forsake all others and share yourself intimately with them only (and by intimately I don't mean just sex--I mean confidential, deep, transparent sharing of yourself, your thoughts, feelings, and ideas). And as an adult who made these promises, you are responsible for the choices you made. It's not them; it's not something they did to "make you" choose it--YOU. Bear in mind I'm not being judgmental here (although it probably sounds and feels pretty harsh). I hold everyone to this exact same thing--you are responsible for yourself and the choices you make. It's conceivable that others may influence the decision or how you reach the choice--but in the end YOU choose. And in the end, the choices you made were to break your promise. In order to really start recovering from the foggy thinking of an affair, one of the first things you need to do is accept personal responsibility for the choices you made. If you can stop blaming others and take responsibility for your choices, then there is a very good chance for the fog to clear and for you to recover from the affair thinking. Another thing you need to do in order to really start recovering is to stop minimizing what it is, your part in it, and the damage it's done. You didn't have a "love affair" and love didn't blossom out of friendship--you committed adultery, you chose to do it, and you have DESTROYED your spouse, your children, your parents, the aunts and uncles, the people you work with, and the people in your life such as lifelong friends or neighbors or folks in your church...AND all those folks in your OP's life too! So this isn't some glamorous secret rendezvous but a nuclear bomb of destruction that not only affects four individuals (you, your spouse, OP, OP's spuse) but also causes life long damage to an ever expanding circle of people...not the least of which would be forever deteriorating, destroying, harming and wounding your children. Doesn't sound nearly as romantic and alluring when it's put like that, does it?

So now that we have a good start on how affairs start and who is responsible for the choices you've made and the consequences of your choices, here are the steps you need to take in order to end your adultery and come out of the fog. 

*1. No contact with OP.* This step may sound pretty obvious--after all, you can't build your marriage if your time and attention are on another person--but this step means that you take deliberate actions to make sure all contact is ended and you never, ever contact the OP again. This includes writing, emailing, IM-ing, being with them, seeing them, working with them, or hearing about them from the friends you two used to hang out with! This may very well require some fairly drastic changes to your life, such as quitting your job or moving! Now my guess is that you may think, "I can't quit my job, are you crazy? The economy is bad right now, and if I quit and the marriage doesn't work, I won't be able to pay my own bills." The truth, though, is that people change jobs all the time and are laid off all the time. Does a marriage survive a lay off and a period of being unemployed while looking for another job? YEP. It's not easy and money can be tight, but THE MARRIAGE survives! Marriages also survive moving across the country, moving to be closer to family or further away from family, etc. So unless you plan to die in the house you're in now, and unless you plan to stay at your current job until retirement, that means that you figured at some point you'd be moving (at least to another house) and you'd be ending this job and going to another. Why not NOW to save your marriage!? The very first thing that is non-negotiable is that you MUST end all contact with the OP and put up barriers and guards so that you never speak to them again FOREVER. We often suggest that you write your OP a "No Contact Letter" and then give that letter to your spouse so your spouse can do two things: mail the letter and contact the OP's spouse to let them know about the affair. Your lover's spouse deserves to know that they are with a person who is willing to betray them, hurt the children, and possibly bring home a life-ending disease. Believe me, nothing assists with ending contact like having your lover's spouse know about what they've been doing! 

*2. Transparency.* This is hard, isn't it? The second step in recovering from the fog is being personally transparent with your spouse. I use that word "transparency" because it means "see through"--let your spouse see the REAL YOU! Let them in. Let them see the Real You and what you think and feel. Let them know what you struggle with. Be see through. Right now they will not trust your honesty, and for good reason! You've been lying and covering up who you are, what you're doing, what you're saying, and who you're with! It is reasonable for them to not trust your honesty if you've been dishonest, isn't it? So allow your spouse to verify your whereabouts and check up on you...so they can start to trust your honesty again. Offer each other your passwords, access to each others' emails, let him/her see your cell phones and texts, and open your PC to your spouse. All the ways that you used to contact your OP--open those up to your spouse so that a) they can see what you're doing and verify you are acting in an honest way, and b) it helps you to stay out of contact knowing that they are or may be checking! Show your spouse the Real Person you are and do your best to get to know the Real Person they are too!

*3. Commit to actually doing the work on YOU and the work on the marriage.* Boy this doesn't get any easier, does it? Part of the problem up to this point is that both you and your spouse made mistakes in your marriage and the way you treated each other. I suspect this might be something that you can understand and even agree with! But even beyond those mistakes, there may also be issues that are your personal issues, that have nothing to do with your spouse, that you NEED to admit and work on. For example, maybe you were sexually abused as a kid and now you confuse sexual interest with love, or don't feel loveable at all so you go everywhere looking for infatuation thinking it's love. Maybe you were physically abused by your parents and don't understand about boundaries, or don't have any self-worth because you were just used by them. Maybe you were brought up with everything given to you by your parents and now you need to learn to work for things and realize you're not entitled to "things" because you're alive. Does that make sense? In a way you may be able to point out your spouse's personal issues a whole lot easier than your own (like "he/she has anger issues or he/she has no self-esteem") but the point of this step is to stop running away from yourself and your issues, look yourself honestly in the eye, admit to yourself "I need to work on this" or that you might need counseling for it, and then COMMIT TO ACTUALLY DOING THE WORK!! Lots of people say they'll go to counseling, go five or six times, and right about the time it starts to be about *them* doing some work, they "forget" to do the homework and then stop coming (or say "This counselor is no good!"). So make the commitment--deliberately dedicate yourself--to being responsible to do the work on your own self, and on your marriage. Not "Oh I'll try but it's just so hard....." NO!! Work!! HARD!!!! "There is no try only do."

(Please continue on to Part Two)​


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## I'msoconfused (Nov 1, 2010)

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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I'msoconfused said:


> ... You are right, this is a lot of work. Transparency and Commiting to working on myself and my marriage is doable, with effort. However, in my case, the no contact, unfortunately, is not an option. We will see each other, it's just the way it is. We can minimize it, and we've talked about how to do that.


In real life the steps work and are the best way to completely stop the affair dead cold, but the way they are applied can be different from person to person and often creativity has to be employed in order to actually do what has to be done. Thus, why don't you PM me with the situation why you think "no contact" is not an option (enough detail so I get the drift without giving away anonymity) and I'll help you figure out how to apply No Contact. 

And I'm working on part two...as you can imagine it's long-ish! LOL


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

*STEPS TO COMING OUT OF AN AFFAIR: PART TWO:*

(picking right up where we left off in Part One)​
*4. Gather Evidence of Love to get through withdrawal*. When you end all contact with the OP, part of what will happen is that so much of your time and day was spent with them, thinking of them, writing to them, etc. that you won't know what to do with yourself. Also you'll hurt and miss them and wonder if they're okay. I liken this feeling to the withdrawal that an addict goes through when they first stop their addiction, and this is one time that you are very, very vulnerable to re-connecting and starting up the affair again. So gather evidence around you of your spouse's love. Keep old photos handy that show you and your spouse "in the good old days" when you were happy and in love. Keep old love letters from your spouse at hand so when you feel lonely or think of your OP, you can pull out a love letter from your spouse and remember THAT love. You don't want to just "put off" the affair behavior here--you want to also "put on" new behavior so print out your wedding vows and frame them, when you would have sent a poem to the OP, send one to your spouse instead, and purposely train your mind to think of your spouse instead of OP. 

*5. Go to your spouse directly--spend time together*. This is very important! For the longest time now, being with your spouse has had a negative association. After all, when you are with your spouse, they yell at you, find fault, argue, criticize, keep score, make demands, ignore you, treat you with disrespect--it's awful! On the other hand, being with the OP has had a positive association--it felt good, they liked you, and they showered you with love. But "back in the day" you and your spouse used to share everything, stayed up all night talking, admired each other, and were best friends. In order to really come out of your affair, you need to not only "put off" the old behavior of talking to your OP all the time, and "put on" the new behavior of thinking of your spouse instead--but you need to also start to associate some positive with time spent with your spouse. So we usually suggest to DS's that you give your spouse the chance to be your friend again and treat them like you would a best friend. Do fun things together that you both enjoy. Start a new hobby. As an example, Dear Hubby and I enjoy MMORP gaming together, traveling, car shows, reading, and certain sci fi shows. It's not always deep, emotional talk but we can talk about the new talent builds, remember a trip we made together, drool over a muscle car, read stories to each other, and talk about the "tweest" in the storyline of our favorite show....and those are positive associations! So stop trying to be spouses and parents and just try to have some fun together. 

*6. Find one accountability mentor, make amends.* This step is all about taking responsibility for your actions NOW and your actions during the affair. Again this may not be a welcome topic but it is vital in coming out of an affair and rebuilding a happy, loving marriage. Part of the reason this got out of hand and became unfaithfulness is that you kept it a secret, and if you did tell someone it was people who would be supportive of infidelity. Thus if you went to come OUT of infidelity, it is helpful to have a support network that would be support of FIDELITY! Find one mentor with whom you can be honest, who's wise and will help you with suggestions if you're hurting, and who can help you find your footing and stay on track. Obviously we think Affaircare coaches are an excellent choice! But some other ideas would be a parent, a pastor or person in your church whom you respect who's your same sex, a boss or professor, or maybe just someone who you consider your "wise council." Be honest with that person and let them encourage you in your pursuit of staying married and rebuilding a loving marriage. The second part of this step is related to taking personal responsibility, and that's making amends for the damage made by your choices during the affair. You may feel very guilty for what you've done and how you behaved, but nothing will soothe guilt and reknit broken relationships with family like going to them directly and apologizing for what you did--then asking for their forgiveness. It may not be "fun" to hear, but your children, your parents and siblings and coworkers and friends may have been hurt as well as your spouse's parents and siblings and coworkers and friends. Remember how lame it was when President Clinton denied his affair with Monica L. and we all thought, "Dude if you'd just admit it and say you're sorry we could get past it"? Yeah--same here. Covering it up and pretending it didn't happen rarely "fixes" the problem; whereas, when you admit you made a mistake, people are very often able to forgive and move forward. 

*7. Re-start Love Kindlers/End Love Extinguishers*. We talked before about how the Love Kindlers ended on both sides of the marriage, and how Love Extinguishers became more and more frequent. Both of you have dwindled down on the kindlers and piled on the extinguishers, but you can not control your spouse--you can only control yourself. So is that the kind of person you want to be? If not, we recommend that you begin laying the groundwork to falling in love with your spouse, by being who you WANT to be. Very often as you go to couples' counseling or marriage therapy you'll hear some advice to restart the things that kindled love, like "start dating again" or "be romantic" but rather than concentrating on those concepts, which I bet you understand, let me be practical. If you have done step five and started to have some fun with your spouse again, but just don't yet feel that "magic" for them--if you want to feel love but just don't quite feel romantic and you find yourself stuck for ideas--we recommend the Romance Calendar at LovingYou.com. It's not that I'm not romantic but some days I just can't think of what to do! After all, it can be hard to be creative and unique year after year. So use the Romance Calendar as a tool to give you one good "kindler" idea every day that spans every love language. 

But even more important that the Love Kindlers, it is VITAL that you end all your own Love Extinguishers. Yes, I do realize it's unfair that you have to work on ending your Love Extinguishers when maybe your spouse isn't stopping, but life is unfair sometimes. If you do not stop your Love Extinguishers, it will be a lot like adding wood to a fire that has a colander over it that someone is pouring water into. What happens? You pour and pour and pour and the water just leaks all over, putting the fire out! It never, EVER blazes because it keeps being put out! It feels like you're spinning your wheels getting nowhere--enough is never enough! But if you end the extinguishers first you plug the holes in the colander and the water never hits the fire. Then what happens? Gradually it can build up and get hotter. Likewise if you end your Love Extinguishers first, then when you do the Love Kindlers your spouse will be able to see them and gradually their love for you will grow. The hope is that they would also be working with you to build a happy, loving marriage, and when THEY end their extinguishers ... then they'll be able to add kindlers and the flame of love will grow.


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## I'msoconfused (Nov 1, 2010)

Thank you for these steps. I've printed them out and am reading them daily.


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## iamamess (Oct 21, 2010)

Thanks to everyone for all of your posts. It is really helpful. I've posted in the considering divorce forum and did not get much support, I am hoping someone here will be able to help.

Long story short my husband has a sleep disorder that caused him to rape me. He was asleep during the act, and he did stop when he woke up. To me the event is rape, to him he was just having a dream about sex that got out of hand. 

His denial of my experience and refusal to talk about what happened caused me even more pain and I ended up in an EA. I knew that what I was doing was wrong, but I needed to feel good about myself and I didn't care if I hurt my husband because he had already hurt me. The EA developed and we ended up making out. My husband found out pretty quickly and forced me to end the relationship. I was not ready to, so I kept in contact with the OM. The OM wants to be with me, but doesn't want to start a relationship built on lies. He tried to cut things off so I could figure things out and decide which path I want to take, but I wouldn't let him go. 

My H ended up going to the OM's work to meet him. He brought a friend who is a social worker to make sure things stayed calm. During this meeting the OM agreed to cut off contact with me to either a) give my husband a chance to save the marriage or b) give me time to sort things out and fix myself before we could have an honest chance to build a relationship.

That happened last week. I am happy that my husband did that because I was not strong enough to cut off communication, but I am still devastated about what happened and I am really struggling to figure out whether or not my feelings for both men are part of the fog or if they are real. I haven't felt love for my husband since the rape, which was before the affair started. I'm sure that is a normal reaction to what happened and I made the rip between us bigger by running to another man. I've compared the two and the OM wins out every time. 

Right now I am just trying to grieve the loss of the OM from my daily life, but I still hold out hope that we will be together again. My H really wants to work things out, but I feel like I would never feel safe with him again. He is getting help, but the medication he is on is not 100% effective and that is what I need it to be. Right now we are in this limbo phase because I told him that I would wait to make a decision until we get the results from his sleep study. During this time I am constantly thinking about the OM. I write him letters (I give them to my mom, so I can't send them) so I can feel connected to him every day. It gets easier every day, but I still miss him. The sad part is that my H and I have not been living together for a few weeks and I don't miss him at all. I'm sure some of it is the fog, but I'm also sure some of it is because of the rape.

How do I get through the next few weeks and how do I know when the fog has lifted? What if I really don't love my husband anymore because of what happened to me?

I know my situation is really messed up, but any outside perspective would be greatly appreciated.


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## iamamess (Oct 21, 2010)

Seriously any advice is welcome. I am very lost and confused and I don't want to make any more bad decisions.


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## justasconfusedaseveryone (Nov 18, 2010)

Affaircare, I can't thank you enough for this thread. After being married for over 20 years, a college love - a person I still consider the true love of my life contacted me almost 30 years later. The relationship ended in college due to her transferring to another school. It was distance. It was like we never missed a beat in our conversations, in our hopes and dreams. Our children were even involved in the same kinds of things.

I immediately fell in love with her all over again. Part of that problem... my wife had an affair 2 years into our marriage that I have never really come to terms with, and she drinks way too much - effectively abandoning our marriage in the evenings when she goes to sleep way too early. 

I was e-mailing and texting and sometimes talking by phone with my college lover for some time. I told my therapist about it, and he pointed out the phrase "emotional affair". I could see what I was doing. But I really didn't want to stop it. Rather, I started plotting for divorce (only with the hope that I could be with my college lover - just the hope, no agreement at all).

Finally I met my college lover again. We kissed. That was it. Nothing more. And then the heavy fog rolled in.

Suddenly, I became kind of like TOM. Almost every moment of every day was spent thinking about the OW. It was ruining me. I could see it. Taking so much energy out of my day, and out of my relationship with my wife. (BTW, I still see the reasons why I married my wife. I do not rewrite our history in bad light. I just thought I could create a better future with the OW).

Recently, I purposely sabotaged my EA with the OW. I did it by ramping things up way fast. I knew she would be frightened. She's been married almost as long as I have. She requested NC, and I agreed. 

Now I feel horrible about myself. Now I feel as though the OW sees me in a bad light when all I ever wanted from her was love. So I'm really kind of still in a fog. But this thread is helping it lift.


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