# Not Honoring My Requests



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Hey folks,
I have a small, but rather annoying problem with my wife of 30 years.
A little background, I am the breadwinner and make a really good living. My wife works part time because she wants to, but her income is really just a bonus and I do appreciate the extra money to have fun.
I have never put any financial limits on her whatsoever, she is smart enough to do what's right.
Occasionally, I will request something specific, whether it is an upside down tomato planter or those furniture discs that protect wood floors and carpets.
She will get the cheapest inferior substitute that she can find and it doesn't or won't work. It is maddening. We can afford it, but I feel like an ass for explaining to her every time why I requested a specific item, why the one that she bought is crap, and if she would just listen, we'd be finished right now.
How can I change this?
I am tired of getting P O'd over this and am out of ideas.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Is she always frugal? Maybe she thinks she is being thrifty, or perhaps she just doesn't see the difference in quality between certain items.

If it's a real problem, then I would suggest you mark the specific items you want to order, or just buy/order the items that you want yourself.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

I am like you. There are just certain knock off's which are not worth purchasing. I will not settle for anything other than a Weber BBQ. (Had to purchase a new BBQ a few years ago because the Ex got the old one). I also prefer to own a Rowenta clothing iron and the model which is usually over $100. My hair dryers and flat irons easily run $100 each. (With the connection of being able to purchase at a wholesale salon price.) All of those items will last for a very long time. 

I am not that way with every single thing I purchase and own. Certain products are just made better or even more user friendly. I shop at WalMart and Target like a lot of other people do.

Now, my mother on the other hand, grew up in a large family where money was tight. She will try to do the same as your wife and it drives me nuts because she hasn’t needed to be frugal like that for many, many years.

Maybe you should just tell your wife that you would like to purchase the item yourself.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Why can't you just buy the stuff yourself? I mean it's maddening to me to send my husband to the grocery store only to have him come home with nothing but oreo's and chips. I prefer him to stay out of grocery stores. Pick your battles you know?


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

She is not quite frugal, seldom cheap, but money conscious and smart most of the time.
If it's shampoo for her, she will get what she wants because it is what works, but it seems that with my requests, she gets what's cheapest.
A lot of times I don't get to purchase the items myself because I am offshore when we decide on a project. So getting everything myself is a moot point when I tell her what I need while I am in Africa and I come home to knock off junk.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

So why not just say "DON'T get the cheap stuff". Or better yet, look up the item you want online and tell her exactly which brand to purchase. It doesn't sound like this is much more than when it comes to hardware store items or tools she simply doesn't know which brand is better than another, or assumes they are all the same, and so just gets the cheapest one.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

This reminds me of when h and I first got married. He ask for Bunny bread, and I bought the cheap store brand bread. You know to save money. He threw the bread in the floor stomped it, and said, "do not bring any bread in this house unless it is Bunny. I make enough money to buy the bread I want." I laughed so hard, but to this day there has never been anything but Bunny bread in our home. Yes he made a lasting impression.

15 years later I still pick on him about his Bunny bread.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Simple. You pick up what she got. You say: Poor quality stuff just won't cut it. You ask her if she kept the receipt. Oh - and from now on you TELL her to keep the receipt when you make the request. If she did, you return it without comment and get what you asked for. If she didn't keep the receipt, you put the cheap stuff in the attic and replace it with exactly what you asked for. Don't debate it. Just tell her what you are doing and do it. 




DanF said:


> She is not quite frugal, seldom cheap, but money conscious and smart most of the time.
> If it's shampoo for her, she will get what she wants because it is what works, but it seems that with my requests, she gets what's cheapest.
> A lot of times I don't get to purchase the items myself because I am offshore when we decide on a project. So getting everything myself is a moot point when I tell her what I need while I am in Africa and I come home to knock off junk.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

DanF said:


> Hey folks,
> I have a small, but rather annoying problem with my wife of 30 years.
> A little background, I am the breadwinner and make a really good living. My wife works part time because she wants to, but her income is really just a bonus and I do appreciate the extra money to have fun.
> I have never put any financial limits on her whatsoever, she is smart enough to do what's right.
> ...


She knows it messes you off but she continues to do it, sounds like it could be a mild form of passive aggressive behaviour. Her motivation may well be your affair and she’s in some way getting her revenge without you knowing that’s what she’s doing. It is very cunning.

If it is passive aggressive behaviour it means she has not forgiven you for your affair. Maybe that’s what you should be looking in to. But if your wife is an unforgiving person and she wont forgive you, then believe her that she wont. If that’s the case then I guess you’ll have to suck this type of thing up?

Your wife had an affair as well. But if you’ve forgiven her it doesn’t mean she’s forgiven you.

Bob


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Be extremely specific with you request: brand, model, price.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Have you specifically said "I do not want this cheap shampoo. I want XX brand." A clear, specific request. What happens then? Does she still buy the cheapest?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

If this is the worst of your problems, consider yourself blessed. Buy what you want yourself.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> If this is the worst of your problems, consider yourself blessed. Buy what you want yourself.


:iagree:

This was my thinking as well.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> If this is the worst of your problems, consider yourself blessed. Buy what you want yourself.


Oh, absolutely. I do consider myself blessed and very lucky.


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## Duke (May 15, 2011)

I took over the shopping long ago. Some store brands are not worth the savings, and my wife would skip half the items on the list so I would have to go anyway. The store is on my way home, and my wife would have to drag the kids along, what a pain. I never run out of beer anymore. 

Now plants for her garden, stuff like that, she wants to buy 'cause I don't know jack about plants.

I agree with Toto, there is no substitute for a Weber grill and Kingsford charcoal. We even make pizza on it!


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

I have 2 words for you, DanF. Words that made me so happy. Amazon Prime.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> I have 2 words for you, DanF. Words that made me so happy. Amazon Prime.


:iagree:


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I have this rule. If you want me to buy you anything, then write down EXACTLY what you want and if they have it, I'll get it. I will not substitute.

And, if you're going to get me something. I will write down EXACTLY what I want. If you find it, great. DO NOT SUBSTITUTE.

But this all really only applies to things that matter. Key is to make sure someone knows it matters.

So if they get something else? Once or twice to reprogram the thinking. Beyond that? It's deliberate messing with you.

Then you know you're in a game being played out. Deal with that accordingly.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MEM's thoughts are likely the only strategy you can employ that has a chance of her seeing things differently.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> I have 2 words for you, DanF. Words that made me so happy. Amazon Prime.


Yup. Sometimes I wonder how I survived without it


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Eh, I'm not sure about this. Some women (me) are pretty programmed to save money after having financial hardship during our early parts of marriage. Furniture coasters and the upside down tomato planter would be something I would probably try to find the cheapest but I buy generic everything when possible. Some things you don't skimp on though. Facial soap and toothpaste being two of them. 
Bob brought up an interesting point though. Is she buying brand stuff for herself and then not buying the brand you want to save money as some form of punishment for your affair? That seems plausible.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Be extremely specific with you request: brand, model, price.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do this. And tell her to stop buying the cheapest stuff.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

And if that doesn't work, I can suggest a more brutal approach. Return the stuff she gets and shop for the correct items yourself. 

It's like people who pretend to NEVER get your name right? You know they don't really forget, don't you?


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> And if that doesn't work, I can suggest a more brutal approach. Return the stuff she gets and shop for the correct items yourself.


This is a pretty good idea.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> Have you specifically said "I do not want this cheap shampoo. I want XX brand." A clear, specific request. What happens then? Does she still buy the cheapest?


I think this is the biggest question, actually. I know that myself personally, if I know that my husband has a particular preference, I get that. Shampoo for example, I always get the brand name that he likes. But unless I'm aware of some strong preference, then I tend to steer toward the frugal end unless I have some reason not to....whether I'm shopping for him or for me. So in our house, that specificity makes ALL the difference in the world.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Oh I see, anal retentive. Yeah that sucks.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

DanF said:


> If it's shampoo for her, she will get what she wants because it is what works, but it seems that with my requests, she gets what's cheapest.


THIS is what you discuss with her. Ask her why.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> If this is the worst of your problems, consider yourself blessed. Buy what you want yourself.


 I disagree. It is a hidden agenda of lack of compassion. Needs to be addressed.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

turnera said:


> I disagree. It is a hidden agenda of lack of compassion. Needs to be addressed.


Surely not a lack of compassion “a strong feeling of sympathy and sadness for the suffering or bad luck of others and a wish to help them”???

Reckon it is a hidden agenda though and sounds more like passive aggression. Symptoms/signs are: (from http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/passive-aggressive-behavior/AN01563).

Resentment and opposition to the demands of others
Complaining about feeling underappreciated or cheated
Procrastination
Stubbornness
Inefficiency
Memory lapses
Sullenness
Irritability
Cynical or hostile attitude

Resentment and opposition to the demands of others and Inefficiency:
This entails taking on “jobs” but deliberately doing them inefficiently/badly, for example shopping for specific items. And all the while they smile at you as though nothing’s wrong! I hope it isn’t that for Dan, it’s truly dark and horrible stuff.

If it is PA it sure does need to be addressed.

Bob


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> I have 2 words for you, DanF. Words that made me so happy. Amazon Prime.


Very much agree. In areas where I am very specific, I just take care of my own shopping. The delivery guy is so familiar that he hangs out when I am home. Last week, he even helped me squeegee the garage floor in exchange for showing him how to finish his.

Can't buy Angler denim pants locally. I want better shoes than you can generally find locally, so VIP account at Zappos gets you free one day delivery and returns (just return something and be nice - they give the VIP account). You want the milwalukee 18v right angled drill? Half the price as the hardware storeusing my prime acct. And the greatest advantage? It drives my congressmen apesh$t that they can't get their hooks in the sales tax.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I'm more of a 'don't ever buy this specific crap-xxxx again, please.' I don't WANT to smell like mangoes.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

turnera said:


> I disagree. It is a hidden agenda of lack of compassion. Needs to be addressed.


I don't know. Sometimes just accepting the small stuff and not sweating it goes a long way. I don't remember other posts of this poster, so there may be more evidence of hidden agenda. But from this one post. No.

I leave **** on the counter. Makes my husband nuts. He leaves puddles in the bathroom. Makes me nuts. Should we sweat it? No.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It could be PA. But I consider lack of compassion valid as well. If she simply doesn't CARE if he gets what he wants, if she's spoiled and simply cares only about herself, I consider that lack of compassion.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> I don't know. Sometimes just accepting the small stuff and not sweating it goes a long way. I don't remember other posts of this poster, so there may be more evidence of hidden agenda. But from this one post. No.
> 
> I leave **** on the counter. Makes my husband nuts. He leaves puddles in the bathroom. Makes me nuts. Should we sweat it? No.


 They do have a history of her walking all over him, so yeah, I consider this bigger than just not remembering what he wants. More like not CARING what he wants. And THAT is a bigger issue.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

turnera said:


> They do have a history of her walking all over him, so yeah, I consider this bigger than just not remembering what he wants. More like not CARING what he wants. And THAT is a bigger issue.


That's why I wanted to know what she'd do if he specifically asked for a brand. You know as a fitness test. If she got it she's just frugal if she didn't she's likely being passive aggressive, uncaring, something. It then becomes a deeper issue.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You need to stop reading into things. Mostly people follow the strange obsessive indifferent voices in their head and they give nary a crap what you think or what demands you made or implied.


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