# DH wants child #2, i dont



## letitgo (Nov 3, 2009)

Good morning everyone! this may be long but I need help, please help me!

... quick backround info about my family

Im 23 my Dh is 24, we have a beautiful daughter who is 2. He has a great job, I have a good job that I hate lol! We get by just fine money wise but pretty much live pay check to pay check. We have 2 dogs, a Doberman whose 8months and a aussie/heeler whose 4. We live in a tiny town filled with family and good friends. I do suffer from depression and am being treated for it and Im in therapy too. 

Ive always been unsure about having kids, we tried for a 2nd child back in september-for only a month. After that 1st try didnt work my DH and I got into a fight (we didnt think Id be pregnant that quick..). All in all we decided we were not going to have another kid at all (but leave the choice open in case we changed our minds in a few years or whatever..) A lot of mean things were said in the heat of the moment, (he said I only wanted another kid so I could quit my job, how im mentally a depressed mess and I really dont want another child anymore.

well my DH texted me saturday night while I was out with the girls. He said he wanted another baby ASAP. A couple of our close friends are having a baby IDK if its cause of them that hes decided its time for the next one, he has always wanted 2 kids... I thought WTF! and bout fell outa my chair...IDK what to do... I feel like a zombie right now...AH!!! A second child would be wonderful, specialy for my DD but I dont know if I could go thru the baby stuff again... life has just begun to settle down and be nice!

Anyone else been thru something like this?

Pros VS Cons of 2nd child

I was sick every single day with my DD, cause of that Ive been scared to death to go thru that again ( I had to quit both my jobs because I couldnt leave the bathroom lol)...is there hope for a pregnancy were I dont throw up 50 times every single day?

any other advice?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Make sure your marriage is where it needs to be before thinking about a second child. And - at 23 - you have a lot of years left to think about this - there's really no big hurry. Good luck.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You have time to reconsider this decision later.

One nice aspect of a little more space between the kids is that you only have to pay for one college education at a time if you put at least 4 years apart. 

And more immediately, only one kid in diapers at a time!


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## letitgo (Nov 3, 2009)

thanks for responding! I guess I do have a lot of time...and I keep flip flopping between yes I want a baby and no freakin way lol! So I should wait.. plus we werent planning on trying tell january after I have a bunch of dental work done...maybe Ill feel better once my mouth isnt killing me lol


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

If you don't have another child, then the one you have will be an "Only Child" and there are a lot of issues around that.

It's best if you have another.


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## ChimeIn (Oct 10, 2009)

I have an only child and I don't think there are any issues with it... it's just what works best for our family. 

Here's a few things to think about:
Friends told me that with one you're the entertainer and with two you're the referee... same amount of work, (after the baby stage) just a different type of work. Which suits you (and your H) best?

Also, a thing I learned from a counselor.... don't give your baby a job. i.e. it should not be your baby's job to save your marriage... it should not be your baby's job to eclipse your depression and career anxiety... it should not be your baby's job to keep your older daughter company. It should only be your baby's job to be loved, nurtured and enjoyed. That's it.

That told me everything I needed to know about whether to have ANY children!

Good luck to you.


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## letitgo (Nov 3, 2009)

Thanks chimeIn!


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Counselor gave you some wonderful advice, ChimeIn. We have 2 boys, exactly 23 months apart. Up until our oldest was almost 1, we were unsure if we wanted a second one. We thought long and hard, and our 2 year old is proof that it WAS the right decision for us. Yes, we referee the two of them a bit, but the boys genuinely love each other, and have SO much fun together. Its great to see them grow up, as brothers and as FRIENDS. It's not that much more work, two kids compared to one kid. I think it was MUCH harder to go from zero to one than from one to two. We did agree that two was our limit, and my H got snipped when I was pregnant. You have to do what works best for your family, and if that means an only child, then so be it. Never think though, that you have to have a second to save your first from some terrible consequences of being an "only". Thats silly and illogical thinking.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

Mommybean said:


> Thats silly and illogical thinking.


No it isn't. An "Only Child" has issues on top of what everyone else has when they grow up. It's certainly the parents decision, but don't pretend it's not a big deal and shouldn't be a factor in deciding to have a second child.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

"For the next generation this view ruled unchallenged. In the first three decades of this century, while the foundations of modern psychology were being laid, no one else studied the question. Dozens of magazine articles repeated Hall's gospel. ''It would be best for the individual and the race if there were no only children,'' one journalist insisted. Finally, in 1928, a man named Norman Fenton conducted the first study to suggest that only children were, in fact, quite normal. But he published his work in the obscure Journal of Genetic Psychology. In any event, it was probably too late. The stereotype had taken hold.

The prejudice retains much of its power today. One of the most common reasons parents give for having a second child is simply to provide a sibling, so the first won't be spoiled or selfish or weird or unhappy or lonely. This is doubtless one of the notions that have kept America's population growing faster than any other developed nation's -- if our fertility rate were like Europe's, where single-child families are nearly as common as two-child families, our growth would have nearly plateaued, even with our high immigration levels. And the only-child stigma doubtless is worrying hundreds of thousands of parents who feel themselves boxed in by long hours at work, who feel that for them a second child would make life almost unmanageable. Even people who have made firm -- even surgical -- decisions to have just one child wonder if they are damaging their children by denying them a brother or sister.

So it came as a great relief to me to spend some time recently with Toni Falbo, a professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas who is one of the foremost authorities on only children -- someone who has reliable data and real conclusions. An only child herself, Falbo decided to study the subject in graduate school at U.C.L.A. ''It was the early 1970's, and what we were all interested in was stereotypes,'' she recalls. She did survey research of her own, and with a colleague, Denise Polit, she eventually examined more than a hundred studies done since the 1920's. In the mid-1980's, Falbo and Polit concluded that ''only children scored significantly better than other groups in achievement motivation and personal adjustment,'' and were in all other respects indistinguishable from children with siblings. In the years since, Falbo has gone to China, home of the world's largest pool of only children, to study reports of wildly spoiled ''little emperors.'' There, too, her studies, carried on across wide swaths of urban and rural China, show that neither parents, teachers, peers nor the children themselves found only children to be out of the ordinary in any major way. "

The entire article is here: http://www.nytimes.com/books/98/06/14/reviews/mckibben-child.html


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

TNgirl232 said:


> "
> 
> The entire article is here: http://www.nytimes.com/books/98/06/14/reviews/mckibben-child.html


Thanks for this article & quote. It makes me feel better, raising an only child, who I think is perfectly normal. I don't want to have another child just to provide a sibling or to give him someone else to share the load of elder care with, years on down the road. One child is the right decision for us.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Driving on errands. Kids in the back seat having this conversation:

"I think God created the planet."
"No Mother Nature did."
"No God did because, you know, that 7 days story."
"Yeah, but you know, "Mother" as in Mother "Had the baby Earth."

2 kids brings some pretty amazing experiences. 
1 kid - just as much love - and better for the planet.
But 2 kids, highly entertaining and beautiful.

Good luck with the decision.
My advice - IF you go for #2 do it ASAP. Let them be close not a generation apart. Really.


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## Ditajr (Nov 24, 2009)

I am not an only child...I am 23...I have a sister who is 37, a sister who is 33, a brother who is 22, and a brother who is 8. The age difference between my sisters and I was never an issue. Still isn't. I am keeping the 8 year old this Sunday so my dad and stepmom can get some Christmas shopping done. 

Point is, if YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND decide you want another child, great. But you both have to want it, or else you will resent one another.

My husband and I always said we would rather wait until our daugther is in school full time to have another child. That way they weren't so close together in age that we had to pay for all the baby stuff and childcare at once. Plus, she would be old enough to actually help with the baby and not just sit there and stare at it and whine about wanting to hold it and whine when it cries.


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## Ditajr (Nov 24, 2009)

Btw, even though I have 4 siblings...I don't think there is anything wrong with only having one child. I know plenty of only children and they are completely normal and not spoiled. That is up to the parents...not the child.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

There's nothing WRONG with having one child. I'm just saying that you should consider an "only child" point of view, instead of dismissing it and thinking it's no big deal.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

I'm not pretending. It is NOT a big deal and should NEVER be a factor in having a second child. The decision to have a child should be based solely on THAT child, and the love and adoration you plan on providing that little one with. Not having a second to prevent the first from suffering some "only child" trauma, or growing up spoiled or lonely, which by the way, can happen if you have ONE child or TEN children. Each child is an individual and what they bring to the family is individual to each. You're reasoning, is antiquated at best.





Sven said:


> No it isn't. An "Only Child" has issues on top of what everyone else has when they grow up. It's certainly the parents decision, but don't pretend it's not a big deal and shouldn't be a factor in deciding to have a second child.


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## letitgo (Nov 3, 2009)

good info! Pretty sure we'll go ahead and try to add another buddle of joy to our family after the 1st of the year sometime. yikes! lol


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

I guess we're going to disagree on this one. Which is fine.


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## letitgo (Nov 3, 2009)

I dont think there is a right and wrong answer here(one child vs two or more) I dont really know a ton of people who were the only child, but I have known many. From what I can tell from the years is most of them said they did not like being an only child. Yeah a few did like it and all had good and bad things to say about being an only child. But hey, I cant speek for them.

Maybe its because the holidays are here but Ive been thinking a lot about family and I feel another child will add so much to my family. I am not having another just to give my DD some one to play with all the time, yeah thats a plus but isnt the only reason. When I think back to my young childhood its the memories of my brothers that stand out the most, not my best friend from down the street. Even tho we fought like cats and dogs lol. 

I feel my DD is at a good age to be getting ready to be a big sister. She is old enough to listen(not that she always does hahaha) and help me out when I ask. She will be starting some pre-school type school next year and will hopefully master the potty training next year too (she shows no interest in it now, ugh) She'll be three when our next is born ( unless it take for ever to concieve)


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Google hyperemesis gravidarum

You will know if this is you or not. If it is, and you had it with child #1, it is highly likely that you will experience the same with child #2.

My wife had it. It was worse with #2. She was literally sick all 9 months. Not just in the morning, not just for a few hours, or days of the week. It was every ... single ... day. She equated it with having the flu for 9 months.

I used to come home and find her covered in sweat on the bathroom floor - she had been there for hours. She was hospitalized a number of times, and then went to the hospital regularly for hydration treatments.

Child #2 compounded the issue because she already had a toddler - who consequently didn't get much attention in those 9 months.

Four years later, I can't imagine life without my daughter, but had we known about the condition prior to child number 2 - we wouldn't have gone for a second. The pregnancy took it's toll on everybody and did lasting damage to our relationship.

Given that you acknowledge struggling with depression, I would simply suggest taking a serious inventory of how proactive your husband is in dealing with fatherhood, and being honest with yourself in having a plan if you are severely ill again, AND also have a toddler that NEEDS the attention of their mother at a very important time in life.


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## letitgo (Nov 3, 2009)

Deejo said:


> Google hyperemesis gravidarum
> 
> You will know if this is you or not. If it is, and you had it with child #1, it is highly likely that you will experience the same with child #2.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much, you are very helpful! Ill look into all that for sure


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