# MIL caused havoc in our marriage



## blues_man (Sep 24, 2014)

My situation is that I left my wife. Her mother (my mother in law) came to stay for awhile, and refused to leave our home. Her mother is still there. This makes for a sticky wicket, in that the woman is an utter *****, and impossible to even be in close proximity to. In addition, she was using space that I needed for my business. So I had to close up shop. Her mother told me that if I didn't like her being there, then I should leave.

After giving my wife the choice (either her mom left or I would have to), I moved out and left. My wife did nothing to get me to stay, (she even began sleeping on the couch) not even asking me to stay and work things out. In fact, she helped me pack up and move out. 

A few months after I left, she emailed me telling me she was sorry, and that she would make some arrangements for her mother to move, so we could fix our marriage. This however never came to pass. We have just continued to drift further apart ever since then. I am currently living in Florida, our home 
is in West Texas, so we are also quite physically apart now too. I still love my wife very much, but cannot abide her mother.

She still contacts me by email on occasion, and I respond back when she does. I did send her an email Sept 4, telling her that I understand the bind she is in over her mother, and suggesting she call me if she wants to talk, but nothing yet. An odd thing, she has never called me. She just sends texts or emails since I left home. I have called her just a few times since, but it feels awkward (almost like she doesn't know what to say).

Neither one of us are spring chickens anymore (I am 62, and my wife is 59), and the sex could have been better, but that was mostly my fault over ED issues, caused by my health issues from time to time.

This is my first post. Sorry for being so long-winded.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Talk to a lawyer about divorce. You need to know how things will work given the 2 state situation. Then, tell your wife either MIL is out of the house within a specified short period of time (30 days?) or you file. You don't really have any leverage to get your wife to do anything about MIL or the marriage at this point.

You either need to end the marriage or do something to trigger a major change.

Are you working in Florida? If your wife wants to cooperate and get the marriage back on track, who would move where?


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

I am assuming that the MIL is mid-80's. It does complicate things, clearly wife is fearing that she will be dead soon, meaning she does not want kicking her mum out to be the last interaction she has and equally probably though she would not be around that long anyway, so it would be possible to patch things up. Wife may well have been angry at you for not appreciating the situation as she saw it.

I am not saying this is reasonable, but does it sound right?


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## blues_man (Sep 24, 2014)

Thanks for the ideas and insights.

Divorce is not an option for me right now, as I am not even considering it.

Yes, MIL is about 85 or 86 yrs old. She has a history of getting my wife to do all of her bidding, as my wife had a lousy childhood with her mother and father both.

MIL is also not doing well, I was told 2 weeks ago, so I am sure you're right about my wife not wanting to put MIL out in the street.


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## blues_man (Sep 24, 2014)

My wife is most certainly hurt and angry that I left, but it was her mother who told me that if I didn't like her living there, then I should leave my own home ... so, who should be hurt and angry?


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

It is called a long term care facility. If she wants her marriage to make it there is nothing wrong with an ltc for her mom and visits instead of in home care.


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## blues_man (Sep 24, 2014)

CantePe said:


> It is called a long term care facility. If she wants her marriage to make it there is nothing wrong with an ltc for her mom and visits instead of in home care.


Bingo! We have a winner here! Alas I have already suggested this course of action, but apparently the cost is too much to afford. I'm not rich enough to pay her stay in a home either. A one-way ticket to pluto or uranus is another story...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

blues_man said:


> Bingo! We have a winner here! Alas I have already suggested this course of action, but apparently the cost is too much to afford. I'm not rich enough to pay her stay in a home either. A one-way ticket to pluto or uranus is another story...


I haven't researched the cost of long term care facilities, but right now, you have the expenses of two households, as well as MIL costs. Are you saying that between the three of you, you can't afford a facility? Have you and your wife actually discussed it?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

There are programs that allow for subsidized ltc. Her mom can go on wic/health care programs that will subsidize her for ltc as well as her health care needs including companionship, medications, personal care, etc.

If the wife ain't willing she has already checked out of the marriage. Stop financing their selfishness. It is also BS that your wife can't work, I live in a retirement community where i see plenty of seniors supplementing their retirement income with part time retail jobs. Don't need special skills for a retail job.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

blues_man said:


> *...apparently the cost is too much to afford. I'm not rich enough to pay her stay in a home either.*


That's what Medicare and Medicaid is for. And honestly, under Obamacare (not trying to start a debate, just pointing out the facts) MIL is eligible to be SOMEWHERE besides your personal residence.

Sniff out your options under the new *Affordable* Health Care plan...


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

blues_man said:


> Thanks for the ideas and insights.
> 
> Divorce is not an option for me right now, as I am not even considering it.
> 
> ...


I read through this thread, and it pulled at me to offer answers to your question. Then I went back and re-read the first post, and you don't actually ask any questions. 

And you rule out the simplest solution to your problem in the post quoted above. Then you rule out the second-simplest solution in another post, due to not being able to pay for a care facility. I notice that Pbear's observations go unanswered regarding the particulars, also.

Presumably the third-simplest solution, getting therapy, is probably out due to financial reasons as well.

So perhaps this situation isn't all that awful, after all.

You have my sincere sympathy. It has to really suck, being chased out of your house like this, having your wife choose her Mother over you.

I'm glad you're making choices that are right for you! Things will get better!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

blues_man said:


> My wife is most certainly hurt and angry that I left, but it was her mother who told me that if I didn't like her living there, then I should leave my own home ... so, who should be hurt and angry?


UM... you chose to leave your house. Your MIL has no authority to kick you out. So your leaving is on you. 

If my MIL told me something like that, I'd remind her that it's MY home. Then I'd find a way to get her out of my house.


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## blues_man (Sep 24, 2014)

PBear said:


> I haven't researched the cost of long term care facilities, but right now, you have the expenses of two households, as well as MIL costs. Are you saying that between the three of you, you can't afford a facility? Have you and your wife actually discussed it?
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I tried to discuss her moving to a care facility with my wife before I left. This is when she told me that it was too expensive for MIL to live there. On further reflection, methinks MIL wants to live there, with my daughter in their cozy little relationship. Only reason that makes any sense to me.


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## blues_man (Sep 24, 2014)

CantePe said:


> If the wife ain't willing she has already checked out of the marriage. Stop financing their selfishness. It is also BS that your wife can't work.


I think you may have hit the nail right on the head here. My wife is a teacher, so she also does work.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your MIL have enough income to rent a place, even a very small efficiency apartment?

Does your MIL require any kind of special care?


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## blues_man (Sep 24, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Does your MIL have enough income to rent a place, even a very small efficiency apartment?
> 
> Does your MIL require any kind of special care?


I'm beginning to see that its not all about money, but rather the MIL continuing her control over my wife, and my wife letting her do so.

Special care yes, in that my wife is at her constant beck and call.


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## blues_man (Sep 24, 2014)

NotLikeYou said:


> I read through this thread, and it pulled at me to offer answers to your question. Then I went back and re-read the first post, and you don't actually ask any questions.
> 
> And you rule out the simplest solution to your problem in the post quoted above. Then you rule out the second-simplest solution in another post, due to not being able to pay for a care facility. I notice that Pbear's observations go unanswered regarding the particulars, also.
> 
> ...


I'm not aware of making any choices at all right now my friend, hence this thread. It most definitely does suck, having my wife choose her mother over me. It goes against all that marriage stands for, three being a crowd and all that, or so I thought. I have no answers on what to do, and don't even know the questions to ask, so that's why there aren't any.

This woman has a history of disturbing other relationships in her past, and the last one was not that long ago, with her other daughter (right before she wound up on our doorstep).

My wife has already had counseling as a result of her upbringing from this woman, and her father.

This whole situation just makes me sick.


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## blues_man (Sep 24, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> UM... you chose to leave your house. Your MIL has no authority to kick you out. So your leaving is on you.
> 
> If my MIL told me something like that, I'd remind her that it's MY home. Then I'd find a way to get her out of my house.


All I can say to this, is that you had to be there! It was a total nightmare, with constant fighting all the time. I would have loved to put the old woman out along with all of her stuff, but that would have ended the marriage right there anyway.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

*Re: Re: MIL caused havoc in our marriage*



blues_man said:


> I think you may have hit the nail right on the head here. My wife is a teacher, so she also does work.


For working thing I think I mixed up another thread with yours, my apologies.


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## blues_man (Sep 24, 2014)

CantePe said:


> For working thing I think I mixed up another thread with yours, my apologies.


Understood, no apology needed. Thanks for the input!


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

blues_man said:


> I'm not aware of making any choices at all right now my friend, hence this thread. It most definitely does suck, having my wife choose her mother over me. It goes against all that marriage stands for, three being a crowd and all that, or so I thought. I have no answers on what to do, and don't even know the questions to ask, so that's why there aren't any.
> 
> This woman has a history of disturbing other relationships in her past, and the last one was not that long ago, with her other daughter (right before she wound up on our doorstep).
> 
> ...


 Well it's obvious that the counseling didn't work. If it was me, I would file for divorce, put the house up for sale and your wife and Grandma would have to find another place unless she want's to buy your half out. 

I wouldn't worry too much about upsetting the apple cart with your wife because if she cared at all, you wouldn't be living where you are and would have been home. If it was me I would go home and tell your wife and granny that it's their turn and have them go.


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## blues_man (Sep 24, 2014)

6301 said:


> Well it's obvious that the counseling didn't work. If it was me, I would file for divorce, put the house up for sale and your wife and Grandma would have to find another place unless she want's to buy your half out.
> 
> I wouldn't worry too much about upsetting the apple cart with your wife because if she cared at all, you wouldn't be living where you are and would have been home. If it was me I would go home and tell your wife and granny that it's their turn and have them go.


Again, divorce is not my first concern. My wife and I bought the house on a private contract, so we both own it. I cannot just go home, and demand they leave.

I just hope that my wife will soon wake up and smell the coffee, before her mother dies, and then I'll just be a plan B, after all.

How does one get a 59 year old woman to wake up and see what's going on?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If leaving your old lady and moving half way across the country doesn't wake her up nothing will!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

blues_man said:


> I'm beginning to see that its not all about money, but rather the MIL continuing her control over my wife, and my wife letting her do so.
> 
> Special care yes, in that my wife is at her constant beck and call.


I asked a specific question in an attempt to see if there were some solutions that could be worked out. Your answer is really no help at all.

We get that your MIL is a difficult, mean woman. It sounds like she's scared to be alone so she's grabbed onto your wife who cannot stand up to her mother.

Not knowing if your MIL has the funds, or could get the funds through Medicare/Medicaid etc., there's really not a lot of help anyone can give you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

blues_man said:


> All I can say to this, is that you had to be there! It was a total nightmare, with constant fighting all the time. I would have loved to put the old woman out along with all of her stuff, but that would have ended the marriage right there anyway.


Well your leaving ended the marriage as well.

So it's the same either way.


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

Can't you sell the home and buy one with a granny flat attached to it, so the MIL has a totally separate living space to you and your wife?


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

BetrayedAgain7 said:


> Can't you sell the home and buy one with a granny flat attached to it, so the MIL has a totally separate living space to you and your wife?


My impression is that the MIL is scared of dying alone and is driving a wedge between the daughter and husband in order to have the daughter to herself. 

If this is the motive, then there cannot be a reasonable settlement. In what you describe, the MIL will feel sidelined and therefore alone. This is not reasonable clearly.

The MIL forced the daughter to choose and used huge emotional blackmail forged over years, plus a situation where the MIL is genuinely in danger of dying alone. 

Here, husband has to choose between being in second place or leaving. In a few years, MIL will be dead and daughter will be alone (note than MIL does not care about this). The daughter will come crying and have to hope that husband has not moved on. FYIW, I feel sorry for all three.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

I am sorry friend for the situation. Marriage is the foundational relationship of any family and even a mother or father are not supposed to come between a husband and wife. The bible describes it this way, "for this reason a man shall leave his mother and father and cling to his wife." The fact that she puts her mother ahead of her marriage is not healthy. It's one thing if her mother is incapacitated or doesn't have anywhere else to go, but it sounds like it's just a choice that the two of them are making.

What kind of help or counsel have you sought? There is a great book I always recommend called _Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis_ by Dr. James Dobson that would help you in your current situation. You cannot make decisions for your wife but there are certainly steps that can be taken to confront her with choices she has to make.

I hope things turn around for you and your marriage. My thoughts and prayers are lifted on your behalf. Blessings.


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## blues_man (Sep 24, 2014)

Mr The Other said:


> My impression is that the MIL is scared of dying alone and is driving a wedge between the daughter and husband in order to have the daughter to herself.
> 
> If this is the motive, then there cannot be a reasonable settlement. In what you describe, the MIL will feel sidelined and therefore alone. This is not reasonable clearly.
> 
> ...


This Sir, is sadly pretty much the situation in a nut shell.


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## blues_man (Sep 24, 2014)

WolverineFan said:


> I am sorry friend for the situation. Marriage is the foundational relationship of any family and even a mother or father are not supposed to come between a husband and wife. The bible describes it this way, "for this reason a man shall leave his mother and father and cling to his wife." The fact that she puts her mother ahead of her marriage is not healthy. It's one thing if her mother is incapacitated or doesn't have anywhere else to go, but it sounds like it's just a choice that the two of them are making.
> 
> What kind of help or counsel have you sought? There is a great book I always recommend called _Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis_ by Dr. James Dobson that would help you in your current situation. You cannot make decisions for your wife but there are certainly steps that can be taken to confront her with choices she has to make.
> 
> I hope things turn around for you and your marriage. My thoughts and prayers are lifted on your behalf. Blessings.



Thanks for your input Wolverine. The MIL has a history of messing with her childrens marriages and families, that's how she wound up on our front door. She wore out her welcome with her other daughter, and other daughter will not take her back.

The family situation my wife and her siblings grew up in, was very dysfunctional to put it mildly. Much alcohol, adultery, and being homeless a big part of the time. It almost seems to me now, that my wife was conditioned for this from her early years.

Her brother committed suicide a few years ago, over MIL's issues.

I have seen a counselor, and it has helped as much as it can, but here again, a marriage takes two. I will look into the book.

Communicating with my wife now, has gotten strained, she won't answer my text messages, phone calls, or emails now. My wife's own health is also not good at this time. Nothing much I can do at this point, but wait it out, and see what comes next.


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## blues_man (Sep 24, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I asked a specific question in an attempt to see if there were some solutions that could be worked out. Your answer is really no help at all.
> 
> We get that your MIL is a difficult, mean woman. It sounds like she's scared to be alone so she's grabbed onto your wife who cannot stand up to her mother.
> 
> Not knowing if your MIL has the funds, or could get the funds through Medicare/Medicaid etc., there's really not a lot of help anyone can give you.


Ele girl, I have already made it clear, that this is not about money. That is just an excuse.


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## blues_man (Sep 24, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Well your leaving ended the marriage as well.
> 
> So it's the same either way.


Thank you, for your most unhelpful comment. I also left to preserve what sanity I had left. 

Your comments do not help anything regarding this.


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## blues_man (Sep 24, 2014)

BetrayedAgain7 said:


> Can't you sell the home and buy one with a granny flat attached to it, so the MIL has a totally separate living space to you and your wife?


At this point I think her mother has her hooks so deep in my wife, that nothing will pry them apart. Even as my counselor told me, brainwashing at its finest.

The housing market in that area, is not the best, so what you suggest is unlikely to happen anyway.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Well your leaving ended the marriage as well.
> 
> So it's the same either way.


My MIL lived with us for four or five hellish years. If my wife ever insists on moving her back in, I'll likely leave as well.


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## How am I Going to Surviv (Sep 12, 2013)

blues_man said:


> Thank you, for your most unhelpful comment. I also left to preserve what sanity I had left.
> 
> Your comments do not help anything regarding this.


I understand that you found Ele's comment unhelpful. But, it was mostly true.

Your wife no longer needs you in her life and she has found a new life partner to replace you: her mother. With the distance and lack of interaction, the marriage between you and your wife is, for all intents and purposes, terminated. 

The only difference between your current condition and an actual divorce is some paperwork. Your lifestyle and situational reality would be the same. (Except that, over time, you'd be less stressed over it.)

If you want something to change, you'll have to take action. You need to decide what's best for you and get on with it, realizing that your wife is satisfied with the current arrangement and is not looking forward to being involved in your future in any positive or meaningful way. 

You have three choices as I see it:
1. Do nothing. 
2. Move back home and put up with the s**tstorm.
3. Do the paperwork. 

Your move. Which option would the man you see yourself as pick?


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## blues_man (Sep 24, 2014)

How am I Going to Surviv said:


> Your wife no longer needs you in her life and she has found a new life partner to replace you: her mother. With the distance and lack of interaction, the marriage between you and your wife is, for all intents and purposes, terminated.
> 
> The only difference between your current condition and an actual divorce is some paperwork. Your lifestyle and situational reality would be the same. (Except that, over time, you'd be less stressed over it.)
> 
> ...


You also bring up some very valid and realistic points surviv.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

blues man under the circumstances you handled it the best you could.
That's all I have.


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## blues_man (Sep 24, 2014)

tom67 said:


> blues man under the circumstances you handled it the best you could.
> That's all I have.


Thanks Tom, I believe it was. Not sure about the future, but not holding my breath.


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## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

Clearly wife is not trying to make things right cause if she did she would have made means already, It looks like she is hoping you would be willing to return with her mom still at your place. She needs to make up her mind about what she wants and stop sending emails instead of calling you.
if her mother needs special care maybe she can be taken to the old age villages or otherwise


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

You don't have a marriage. You just know some woman who lives with her mother at a place you partially own.

I'm not sure what you want to do with your life, but you don't have a marriage.

Chances of your marriage getting back to normal after your MIL's death are slim to none. 

Divorce or some sort of an action that changes this situation is the most logical choice, but you say it's not what you want, so I'm not sure how any comment here could be helpful.

If you're okay waiting this out for a few years while watching it from a distance (like a movie), then make peace with that choice and be ready for your wife to completely move on.


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## blues_man (Sep 24, 2014)

My wife is now trying to put this on me. She texted me that if I really loved her, I would not have left. She said "people who love someone, don't leave". This simply amazes me. I repeated what her mother told me, that her mother living there is not acceptable to me, and that I gave her a choice in the matter, and that she had made that choice. She seems to have the facts of the situation all twisted up in her mind.

This whole thing amazes me, and just boggles my poor mind.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

blues_man said:


> I'm not aware of making any choices at all right now my friend, hence this thread. It most definitely does suck, having my wife choose her mother over me. It goes against all that marriage stands for, three being a crowd and all that, or so I thought. I have no answers on what to do, and don't even know the questions to ask, so that's why there aren't any.
> 
> This woman has a history of disturbing other relationships in her past, and the last one was not that long ago, with her other daughter (right before she wound up on our doorstep).
> 
> ...


Okay, blues_man, let's look at things from a different and messed up perspective (that would be... MINE  ).

If I understand your story as you have written it, 

your MIL washed up on your doorstep.

You *CHOSE* to let her in, rather than making a stand right then and there over the situation.

You *CHOSE* to stick around and let her sabotage things, and you *CHOSE* to leave and move to Florida.

You *CHOOSE* to try to communicate with the woman-who-loves-you-so-much-that-she-picked-her-abusive-Mom-over-you frequently.

You *CHOOSE *to limp along in this relationship that is eroding away your self respect and joy for life.

The logical decision you should be seriously considering is whether or not to divorce and get on with your life. That one, you *CHOOSE* not to even consider.

So, it looks to me like you HAVE made some choices, although it may not have seemed like it at the time.

I don't have the answers, but being an inquisitive idiot, I can probably help with what questions to ask, and maybe asking will get you closer to the answers.

How do you want your life to be? How do you get to that state of being most effectively? Can you see and explain the dysfunctional behaviors in your marriage? Can you figure out some avenues to try and make those dysfunctional things better?

That's a good start, I think.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

blues_man said:


> My wife is now trying to put this on me. She texted me that if I really loved her, I would not have left. She said "people who love someone, don't leave". This simply amazes me. I repeated what her mother told me, that her mother living there is not acceptable to me, and that I gave her a choice in the matter, and that she had made that choice. She seems to have the facts of the situation all twisted up in her mind.
> 
> This whole thing amazes me, and just boggles my poor mind.


blues man



If your family was in Texas why did you move so far away?

Has your MIL ever been nice to you?

What business are you in?

Do you have any children?

Why did you leave your wife? The real reason. Not what you posted here. The reason I ask you have not described one instance that would have driven a man to leave his wife, leave his home, leave his business nor leave his life to transplant himself over a 1000 miles away.

Yet you claim to love your wife.

What actions have you taken since you moved away to assure your wife you love her?

IMO whatever is going on it truly does not have to do with your wife nor your mother.

But it certainly has to do with you.

So think about it and tell me what is going on with you....

HM



HM


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

blues_man said:


> My wife is now trying to put this on me. She texted me that if I really loved her, I would not have left. She said "people who love someone, don't leave". This simply amazes me. I repeated what her mother told me, that her mother living there is not acceptable to me, and that I gave her a choice in the matter, and that she had made that choice. She seems to have the facts of the situation all twisted up in her mind.
> 
> This whole thing amazes me, and just boggles my poor mind.


I am confused.

How do you let this happen?

Why did you not get in MIL face and say these magic words :
SHUT UP
MY HOUSE. YOU WILL RESPECT ME
SHUT UP
MY WIFE
YOU WILL TREAT HER WITH RESPECT
SHUT UP
YOU WILL LEAVE - FORCIBLY - IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT US

If you MIL was so horrible to your wife, then it's your job to protect her.

If my MIL would have have said one word of disrespect to me or my wife (she wouldn't by the way, my MIL is awesome), I would have packed her crap up and would have driven her to the nearest old folks home to make a deposit. If she was really out of line, I would take her to the local hospital and have her committed for a 72 hour watch. I would have put the fear of God into her.

Your wife may not be able to resist her mother. She might be desperately trying to get the love and approval from her mother that she never received when she was younger.

You need to go back to your house and protect her. Sit her and your wife down and explain ground rules. If she can't abide by them, then she has to go. It is that simple. You need to establish dominance of your house and you need to protect your wife from her mother.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

blues_man said:


> My wife is now trying to put this on me. She texted me that if I really loved her, I would not have left. She said "people who love someone, don't leave". This simply amazes me. I repeated what her mother told me, that her mother living there is not acceptable to me, and that I gave her a choice in the matter, and that she had made that choice. She seems to have the facts of the situation all twisted up in her mind.
> 
> This whole thing amazes me, and just boggles my poor mind.


From her point of view, that makes perfect sense. She is going through a hard time and she will feel she needs you more now than ever. She feels forced to care for a woman that she has mixed feelings for. She does not feel she can cope with the choices in front of her and would have relied on you.

The way she will see things (not necessarily the way things are) is that you decided to let the mother stay and then decided to let move and leave her to it.

You have the same choices. Go back and kick out the MIL (your wife will probably resent you) or wait until the MIL is dead (you wife will probably resent you). 

The situation you are in is not fair and there is no right option. You are not in the wrong and this situation is cause by a horrible and bitter old woman.


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## blues_man (Sep 24, 2014)

WifeyRes said:


> Clearly wife is not trying to make things right cause if she did she would have made means already, It looks like she is hoping you would be willing to return with her mom still at your place. She needs to make up her mind about what she wants and stop sending emails instead of calling you.
> if her mother needs special care maybe she can be taken to the old age villages or otherwise


This is exactly what I have been thinking Wifey. Thinking time is over for me, now its time for action on my part.

One can lead a horse to water, but cannot force them to drink.


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## blues_man (Sep 24, 2014)

NotLikeYou said:


> Okay, blues_man, let's look at things from a different and messed up perspective (that would be... MINE  ).
> 
> If I understand your story as you have written it,
> 
> ...


Its more complicated than that Not, but the gist of it is close enough. However I did not choose to let her back, my wishes were simply ignored.


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## blues_man (Sep 24, 2014)

happyman64 said:


> blues man
> 
> 
> 
> ...


HM I have already explained enough in this thread. Whether you choose to believe it or not, is totally up to you.


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## blues_man (Sep 24, 2014)

Mr The Other said:


> From her point of view, that makes perfect sense. She is going through a hard time and she will feel she needs you more now than ever. She feels forced to care for a woman that she has mixed feelings for. She does not feel she can cope with the choices in front of her and would have relied on you.
> 
> The way she will see things (not necessarily the way things are) is that you decided to let the mother stay and then decided to let move and leave her to it.
> 
> ...


This is exactly what my conclusions are Mr. Other. On Wednesday, it will be 6 months since I left, and with no signs of improvement in the situation, I will go back to Texas, and start papers in order for me to get out of this mess.

I am sure the house business will not be cut and dried, but a lawyer will help with that. Perhaps both of them can share a room in an oldies home.

I have flat given up on the situation. It's time for me to begin living again.

Thanks to all the posters for their help. It has made making decisions much easier, with this place being a great souinding board.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

blues_man said:


> HM I have already explained enough in this thread. Whether you choose to believe it or not, is totally up to you.


You personally asked for my help and this is your response.

I asked for more information. That is all.

Go have a great life Blues Man.


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## angel kate (Sep 13, 2014)

I tried to discuss her moving to a care facility with my wife before I left. This is when she told me that it was too expensive for MIL to live there. Then we get the help of Sarieh Law Offices ALC.


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

blues_man said:


> HM I have already explained enough in this thread. Whether you choose to believe it or not, is totally up to you.


I have been on theses boards for a while now, and i see these types of replies from people to people that are really trying to help. The Op gets upset and pissie and blows them off like they don’t know what they are talking about. Kills me as these people are trying to help, Are knowable and willing to help navigate someone around the issues, and to only be discarded as if they are no body... If someone cant take the help then why even ask... I can see why some people don’t like stepping up to help OP out….


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Sammy64 said:


> I have been on theses boards for a while now, and i see these types of replies from people to people that are really trying to help. The Op gets upset and pissie and blows them off like they don’t know what they are talking about. Kills me as these people are trying to help, Are knowable and willing to help navigate someone around the issues, and to only be discarded as if they are no body... If someone cant take the help then why even ask... I can see why some people don’t like stepping up to help OP out….


Bluesman sent me a PM asking me to read his thread. I did.

I wanted more information. Simple as that.

I thought it was very strange for a man to say he loves his wife, then moves well over a thousand miles away.

Just who was he running away from? His wife? His mil? Or himself?

Guess we will never know.....


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## blues_man (Sep 24, 2014)

Wednesday was 6 months to the day, of when i left my wife and what's left of our home. Still barely any contact with her, by her choosing.

Saturday, i will be driving back to texas, and get the papers filed, and get the big D rolling. I have a temporary place to stay at one of our daughters place. I don't want to stay there too long, as to wear out my welcome.

The kids are floored to say the least, as they don't even like their GM (MIL) either. Wife won't listen to any of them either.

I have built up enough money from working extra jobs here in florida, to make it possible to just enjoy the kids company for awhile. I am not wanting to see wife, but kids may have other plans.


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## blues_man (Sep 24, 2014)

OK HM, here you go:



happyman64 said:


> blues man
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Yes, all three kids live in Texas, they are as bewildered by my wife's action, as I am.

No, MIL has never been nice to me. She gets really rutty behind my back especially.

I am a stringed instrument repairman, and I have a friend in Florida, who's also in the same business. He offered his place, had the work, and this is why I came out, with just the stuff in my car.

One week before MIL showed up, wife announced to me, that she was coming, the next week. I told wife not no, but hell no. I further told her, that if her mother came again, then I would have to leave. She has been here before, and the last time it took 6 months to get her to leave. She is a rude, nasty person, who nobody much likes, except my wife. Apparently she caused enough problems at her other daughters house, that she got kicked out of there again, so it was at our house again. My wife's brother committed suicide just 3 years ago because of this woman's crap.

Later that night in bed, I asked my wife if she would be happier if I was gone. She got up out of bed, and camped out on the couch. She never slept with me again.

I have called my wife, and told her verbally that I love here, and told her that her mother being there, is simply un-bearable for me. Also some emails and texts back and forth. 

2 months after i left, she emailed me an apology, telling me that she was sorry about the spot she put me in, and that she'd find aother place for her mother. Nothing ever came of that (even after my wife went to individual counseling).

Regardless of what you may think, i do love my wife.

I left because MIL showed up, in spite of my wishes, and then had the brass to tell me, that if I didn't like her being there, then I should leave. I told my wife what her mother had told me, and she said nothing to her or me.

That pretty well told me, where I was in the pecking order of our marriage, and our home.

I called the kids, and told them what I was doing, and why, and left that house, as soon as I could.

This has to do with me, in that I won't be anyone's doormat, or treated with dis-repect by my wife, her mother, nor any other living person.

My mother is long dead, I am talking about her mother.

Your remarks doubting the facts, or my sincerity, really put me in a bit of a tailspin, one I don't need. Asking for more facts is one thing, a denial of someone else's word, is entirely something else.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Don't get in a tailspin BluesMan.

And thanky ou for the facts.

And your wife moving your MIL in the home without discussing it with you is disrespectful.

But where you are on the pecking order in your marriage remains to be seen.

I am a firm believer that we put ourselves where we want to be in the pecking order by our actions.

Did you leave your wife, home, marriage and children solely for the work? The dollars?

Or were you so hurt by your wifes decision that you felt you had no recourse other than to walk away?

I think if you have those answers for yourself you will be at peace with divorcing your wife. And maybe you have those answers thus your decision to D.

I am not judging you BluesMan. Only you can judge yourself.

Can I make one suggestion? 

If you have decided to D your wife over this matter then tell her to her face.

I would think your wife deserves that from you.

HM


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## blues_man (Sep 24, 2014)

happyman64 said:


> Don't get in a tailspin BluesMan.
> 
> And thanky ou for the facts.
> 
> ...


HM,

I think where I am in the pecking order of things, has already been well established.

I am a stringed instrument repairman, It's what I do, and its what I was doing previous to MIL problems rearing their ugly head again. I had to find another man to take over for me there in Texas, while I came to Florida to do the same work with my friend here.

Hurt really defined what I felt, and still do. Its the only recourse I could find, since my wife was not going to stand with me, and get her mother out.

I can tell my wife face to face that I am divorcing her, but I never want to see her mother again, hence my reluctance to ever go back to the house again.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

happyman64 said:


> If you have decided to D your wife over this matter then tell her to her face.
> 
> I would think your wife deserves that from you.
> 
> HM


Agreed.

Like I indicated earlier in this thread, I imagine I'd do the same thing if my MIL moved back in without my consent.

But you owe your wife this much.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

GTdad said:


> Agreed.
> 
> Like I indicated earlier in this thread, I imagine I'd do the same thing if my MIL moved back in without my consent.
> 
> But you owe your wife this much.


Why does he "owe" his STBX anything? She made her decision. He can tell her to her face if he likes, or he could just have her served. Personally, I'd be fine either way. But I'm not him... I'd say whatever he likes is what he should do. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

PBear said:


> Why does he "owe" his STBX anything? She made her decision. He can tell her to her face if he likes, or he could just have her served. Personally, I'd be fine either way. But I'm not him... I'd say whatever he likes is what he should do.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm going to assume they've been married a long time. Thirty years or more, maybe. I'd advise my son to be a "good ender" and break up with his gf of a few months in person and not by text, etc., let alone a couple married that long.

I could see your point if we were talking infidelity, but we're not. We're simply talking about a marriage which has been rendered unworkable due to screwed-up priorities.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

PBear

It is a form of closure.

I understand his reluctance not wanting to see his MIL but it might be viewed as the wife or MIL "winning".

And do you honestly think with older kids and grandkids in the mix he will not see his wife or MIL ever again???

But in the end it is Blues choice.

HM


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

Blues man. I'm going to give you some insight into your wife. When she says she's betrayed because you left, in her mind she is. Women are social creatures and live in a world where harmony is key. They are not overt communicators. Women communicate context, men content.

They live in a world of subtleties, and psychological nuances that are not in yours and my toolkit. So you have to watch her actions. She chose her mom first and foremost. 

Your mistake was leaving. I hear you, but you should never have left. Now if you go back, she'll see it as you caving to her. That's worse than the abandonment. 

Put on your big boy pants. Send her a text that says your coming back to your home, she has no choice. Never ever leave your marital home. Your MIL is 80 something? Why are you negotiating with her? F that. 

Put it clearly to your MIL. "If you don't cut your shît I will call social services and tell them I caught you wandering around like an Alzheimer's patient. "

Man up Bro. Quit running and face your fears and problems head on.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Seriously, you screwed the pooch on this one.
You willingly gave up your position as head of the house. Sure the MIL can move in but it is under your terms.

What you fail to see is that you really DID betray your wife.
She was counting on you to protect her from her mother, who she has obvious issues with.

You didnt do that.

Its your house. Your rules and disrespsect of any kind should not be tolerated, especially to your wife.

Your wifes brother KILLED himself over her behavior and you LEFT her there alone with her?

Get in your car, drive to TX and take back control of your life.


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## NewLife2017 (Aug 16, 2014)

Hey Blues! 
I feel for you and I know what you're going through. My SIL has been living with us pushing 2 years (rent free & no contribution) and my husband sides with her. Her 2nd move-out date is December 1st. If this does not happen, I will be serving him separation papers. Do it in person or have her served. Only you know what is best for you. I'm so sorry.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Bluesman- The extra details you provided did shine some light on things.

I am glad that you are choosing to take action and get out of limbo.

I'm not sure what planet a couple of posters are living on, but when you're married and your spouse decides to let their parent come live in the house with them over your expressed objections, well, your options are limited (as you recognize).

Threatening an aged MIL with a call to Social Services if she doesn't behave sounds really awesomely macho. And (hypothetically speaking) if one's wife hadn't already told you to pound sand, then maybe it would get you alpha-male cred. Here in the real world, one phone call to the police from a wife in tears, with her elderly mother backing her up, and somebody is going to jail.

I don't know if, faced with your situation, I would have gotten as far away as Florida (what can I say? Texas is AWESOME!), but you had your reasons and opportunities, and I'm damn sure not going to second guess you.

Take care of your business, close the book on this chapter of your life, and start the next one.

God bless.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

Sometimes I'm rough. The point is Blues mans problems are his. He allowed poor behavior from his wife and his MIL. It's time he take back his life, little by little or in one fair swoop.


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## blues_man (Sep 24, 2014)

I received a text from my wife Fri night. She has no idea I'm back in Texas. She was just wanting to talk, so she said. I texted her to call me, as I speak much better than I text.
She said some months back, that she is too emotional to talk with me.

Soooo.... No phone call. It's her dime, if she wants to talk to me, she has my number. Since nothing there has changed according to her text messages, my plan continues. It sure is great seeing my girls though, will see son later this week. I'm going to kick back for a few days, and then go see a lawyer, and get things started.


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## blues_man (Sep 24, 2014)

Still no phone call from my wife. I have never heard of anyone being afraid to call anyone before, (unless they were late, and afraid of being in trouble).

Anybody else ever seen this behavior?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

blues_man said:


> Still no phone call from my wife. I have never heard of anyone being afraid to call anyone before, (unless they were late, and afraid of being in trouble).
> 
> Anybody else ever seen this behavior?


It's common to keep communications to text or email where you expect to need to provide documentation to court. I think you should go along with her desire to keep communication to text but use the extra time you have to come up with a responses that will look good in a trial. She may be preparing to divorce you for abandonment.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Or the MIL knows and is bullying her...


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Or the MIL knows and is bullying her...


True, but if so it won't hurt to follow my advice anyway.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> It's common to keep communications to text or email where you expect to need to provide documentation to court. I think you should go along with her desire to keep communication to text but use the extra time you have to come up with a responses that will look good in a trial. She may be preparing to divorce you for abandonment.



My quick google says Texas rules are "away for a year". 

Either way never good to leave the marital home. Even if you live in the garage


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

U.E. McGill said:


> My quick google says Texas rules are "away for a year".
> 
> Either way never good to leave the marital home. Even if you live in the garage


So she has 6 months to gather the evidence she needs to prove abandonment. None of us know what's going on with her, she could have had a consult with a lawyer who told her to start documenting his absence. Or EMIL could be orchestrating it. For that matter doing everything by text could be because EMIL is actually the one doing the communicating

I'm not going to claim any of this is likely. I just want blues_man to bear in mind that there could be a reason she wants to keep it to text, that that reason could be one that is inimical to his interests, and that it behooves him to be careful in what he commits to text.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Bluesman

Did you ever get that phone call from your wife?

HM


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## MidlifeWife (Jul 2, 2012)

I am in my forties and my MIL comes and stays with us for months at a time. It definitely drives a wedge in my marriage and when, after several years of this pattern, I finally threatened divorce, a few changes were made to slightly reduce the length of the visits and amount of control she attempts to exert over our family. I like her just fine on a short visit of a week or less, but months at a time just becomes very stressful due to the change in our household dynamics. We even have in-law apartment and I still feel the effect! So, I can definitely relate to the suffocating feeling of being outnumbered, of being pushed out of your own home that you have title to and pay for. I don't blame you for leaving, if I didn't have small children at home I might have left myself rather than stick it out and endure.


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## Christin777 (Nov 13, 2014)

Going threw the same thing but it my husbands father that moved in, yes he is impossible too smoke pot and doesn't buy his own food, living supplies etc. and expected not to pay rent. I thought about leaving but I refuse to let this man ruin my marriage. He messed up his life and he needs to reap what he has sown. I can't control him but I can control what I do. So I give him new rules everyday I set boundaries and I told my husband our job is to help him find a place if we don't we are only hurting him by not helping him be responsible. I suggest go back to your wife, read the book boundaries by Henry cloud and live your life to the fullest. Hope that helps.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Any update Bluesman?


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## blues_man (Sep 24, 2014)

Yes, hm. I did get a phone call from her, I am now divorced from her. I and the kids hope she enjoys her "marriage" with her mother. "Nuff said about this matter.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Hey Bluesman

I am glad you resolved the matter. Saddened it ended in divorce.

At least you tried and made an effort.

Peace.

HM


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## blues_man (Sep 24, 2014)

happyman64 said:


> Hey Bluesman
> 
> I am glad you resolved the matter. Saddened it ended in divorce.
> 
> ...


Many thanks HM. Yes, I did put in the effort, but one cannot force others to drink from only clear waters.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

blues_man said:


> Many thanks HM. Yes, I did put in the effort, but one cannot force others to drink from only clear waters.


When my own marriage fell apart, it was very different in many ways. However, one thing was the sheer tragedy that all it required was some commitment, not even much. Instead, it seemed it was easier to choose to be miserable. That pointlessness still haunts me occasionally.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Mr The Other said:


> When my own marriage fell apart, it was very different in many ways. However, one thing was the sheer tragedy that all it required was some commitment, not even much. Instead, it seemed it was easier to choose to be miserable. That pointlessness still haunts me occasionally.


If my wife had put 1/4 of the energy into fixing things rather than stuggling with me...we would most likely be together now.

Oh well, her loss.:smthumbup:


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