# Life is Horrible - Plz guide/help me !!!



## Ineedlife (Jun 4, 2012)

Hi Friends, I am in life n death situation. Can somebody help me seriously please?

Back in 2004-2005 I was in love with a girl and those days I was just a college pass out and had joined a call center and was earning very little amount of money. Girl's father was a Govt. employee and was holding a very good post and had good earnings. When girls parents got to know that she is interested in me and willing to marry me, they came to meet me n my parents and said we are not at the par to take care of her daughter and with lots n lots of issues he separated us and got her married to some other well earning person. 

I was in deep depression and wasn't able to think anything and live my life properly (root cause of my problem as per my thinking), seeing this my parents got worried and decided to get me married to a girl of their choice..I didnt know whats happening around and I didnt stop them doing anything, I was so much broken that I didnt even see the picture of that girl who my parents had choosen for me. Finally I got married. I am not able to concentrate on my life at all, I don't sleep with her, I don't eat properly and I want to be away from home as much as possible to avoid her and avoid the fight which happens every second b/w me and my wife. Some how days are passed and now its close to 7 years that I am married and haven't been able to live my life at all.. its such a pain. not that I think of my love, its so tough to be with a girl who I can never love, I have gradually explained my situation to my wife but she never agrees to leave me..and fights for everything with me. I am dying everyday and want to get separated from her. 


Now let me tell u friends I am an Indian and divorce is such a big taboo here that a foreigner can't imagine, but still posting here in some hope of help. I have discussed or say fought on this that I want to get separated but have been harrased that wife's side will file a police complaint and blah blah blah...and in India if your name goes to police regarding marriage..your whole family will get destroyed (parent's side)..so I am not able to get divorced also. I am earning well now want to live a peaceful life without anyone..At this stage of life I am dying every moment...

Can some one suggest me something please !!!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I know that divorce is quite different in India, but I also know that there are a good many people on this board who are either from the subcontinent or are married to Indians, so I think you may find some good advice here. I hope so!

It's also my understanding that in the past decade, the divorce rate in India has doubled -- while it's still taboo, it's not as taboo as it used to be. Are you in Delhi? I only ask because I'm guessing that the capital would be a little more progressive on such issues. It's also my understanding that while divorce may be rare, tacit separations are not. That might be an option for you, I don't know. I do know that you cannot possibly be the only Indian man in this predicament, so I'm sure you can find someone understanding to talk to.

And, in the gentlest way possible, I'd like to remind you that this situation, while heartbreaking, is actually NOT life and death. I think especially when we are distraught, it's important to realize that even as unhappy as we are, we still are alive and healthy and sleeping in a safe place every night. As banal as the phrase "count your blessings" is, it's also true.

I wish you well and hope you get some good advice here.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Go to a doctor and get treated for depression. 
You fell in love with someone when you were young. I know it hurts but you have to realize that in every relationship the first phase is over pretty quickly. Your view of romantic love hasn't been ruined by the realities of a long term relationship. 
I have read that the divorce rate for arranged marriages in western countries is lower than people who marry for love. From what I know it takes time for the love between the two people to grow.
You sound like you have been depressed for seven years. I don't think a divorce is your answer. I think you need medical and psychological help. I feel bad for you and your wife. 
Take care of your mental and emotional health first and then work on your marriage. Just don't expect it to be the kind of Hollywood westernized idealized love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ineedlife (Jun 4, 2012)

Thanks for reading n replying Diwali. Let me ask u something, have u ever seen any easternized bollywood love ? I guess even if you have seen u didn't understand it properly. Which ever part of the world you go, a human heart works the same way. Yes, I agree it depresses me badly but If I needed a doctors help, I would have gone long back to them, but my problem is I am ready to live with someone as friend and can explain my situation properly but wouldn't be able to love anyone now.. so my partner as any other normal person would definitely expect physical relation or all other sorta need which a human needs but I can't give those, I have tried to be fake too but it doesn't work....and therefore I feel that I can live alone. Now why I have mentioned life n death is coz everything clashes b/w us and every single moment is a struggle to live with each other......Hope I could explain this to somebody and get some help in making her understand. 

Thanks for replying anyways !!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have an unrealistic view of love. What is "easternized bollywood love" but a fantacy. Hollywood has also sold a fantasy of what love is.

You sound extremely depressed; clinically depressed. It sounds like a depression that you cannot get out of yourself.

Divorce will not solve your problems. It can cause more problems than you have now.

I agree that you need to see a doctor about medication for your depression. 

But since you refuse to get help for your depression, I think that you should divorce your wife. And you should make it very clear that the reason for the divorce is that you cannot love anyone. That you love your fantacy and your pain more than you can love another person.

Make this clear so that your wife is not punished by society for your failings. She deserves to be able to find a man who can love her and have children with her.

You have been a seriously emotionally abusive husband. You married a woman and trapped her in hell in a society that makes her stay married to you. What you have done is cruel beyond words.

And all you can do is cry about the depressive pain you CHOSE to live in? Your pain is your choice since you cannot do anything about it.

Your wife did not chose the pain you are forcing her to endure.

You are a cruel person.


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## Ineedlife (Jun 4, 2012)

EleGirl you sound quite emotional. Thanks for putting your point of view. All these hollywood/bollywood bull****s are no where close to reality, I mentioned bollwood coz diwali123 was trying to say something about hollywood stuff. 

You are right, I chose this pain, I have mentioned how I happen to choose this in a state which is not possible to explain untill an individual has gone through it. Now post marriage, I am accepting it that I wouldn't be able to keep any one satisfied as my partner, it never means that I am living in fantacy, what sorta fantacy u r talking about? I had such a bad time while I got separated with the gal I was in love, I was so much hurt in so many ways by so many people...thats all nothing, is that called me living in fantasized world??? I dont think so, what will any doc say past is past, forget that and have a good sleep and try to live happy with present and have a good future.???? Is that all....how a clinic can get me out of something which got embeded in me? 
Also, If I had to do something wrong I would have done it long back with her or with me..

Now in all this crap my wife got trapped which is completely outa my issues, I have explained her many times but it doesn't work...I have and I am ready to apologies to her and family that I wouldn't be able to take care of her but it doesn't work.... Now this UN-intentional avoidance to love n keep a person happy is known as cruelty? If it is then its all circumstantial and nothing purposeful from my end.

If anyone has gone through any psychotherapist or any doc regd. such similar issues, can you let me know if they can help in this matter at all.... I wish my society grows enf to understand our issues and help in getting us separated, if not divorce..let alone.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Because that woman you love is married to someone else, your suffering will be the same even if you are divorced or separated from your wife. In fact, you don't sleep with her or have a relationship with her, if you leave her you will feel exactly the same. AND you will have lost your family as well, and bring suffering to them. It's possible that you are viewing this woman you are married to as the person to blame for not being the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. How can she be anyone other than who she is? You can't change the fact that the woman you loved before is married to someone else, you can't change who your wife is, who she was born as, you can't change your parents, and you can't erase your suffering...if you leave you will increase suffering for everyone in your household, and not even alleviate your own suffering. I think maybe your best shot is to try to be friends with your wife, and to accept her comfort for your situation, and to try to comfort her and not blame her for who she is (or isn't.) She seems to have a lot of very fine qualities that you could learn from, #1 the ability to keep her head high while suffering, you at least had someone you loved very much...she has you, and how you feel about her :-( and yet she is still there, she hasn't run away from her problems, this doesn't mean she is weak and submissive, it means that she is beyond you in how to deal with suffering...#2 she is tolerant and patient and kind and understanding. Look how long she has been in the situation of being rejected and unloved by her husband, and yet still she is there for you, only you refuse to accept comfort from her, she is human, not some object you can throw in the corner. Try to connect with her, and see if it can work out, before you take other action. I don't really agree with arranged marriages, but given that the woman you love is married, it's not as though divorce is going to get you what you want. Meanwhile you are depriving yourself of things like having a peaceful and loving marriage and possibly children and the ability to make your wife happy. You have taken suffering and multiplied it rather than used it for spiritual growth. If you continue with this, it will eat you up inside, and you'll be gone from your life without allowing anyone to love you. That's sad. 

I'm Anerican and you'd think, okay, Americans have choice in marriage. Well, my boyfriend and I had planned to marry, he had a brain hemorrhage and his sister got guardianship of him. There was some hostility and anger and a separation between him and his family (they are controlling people) and she moved him to another state and used her legal status as his guardian to 'determine' that it was in his best interest to have me prevented from visiting him. So I won't see him until he is recovered. There is nothing I can do in this situation except to use the suffering to fuel spiritual growth, no matter where I go or what I do, I won't be able to escape from the situation that I cannot see him. Essentially, the relationship is halted, and there is no guarantee he will recover and be able to come look for me. It's possible his sister told him lies about why I don't come to see him, and intercepts what letters I do sent occasionally. Of course it hurts, and people change according to their circumstance...he is not the same person I knew before, of course he's had a brain injury, but also he has been with other people and had experiences apart from me for so long. I understand it's difficult to be with someone else, you probably feel like you are betraying your own honor and loyalty to your love, and that your sense of justice has been violated by those around you. They didn't mean to hurt you, they did what they felt was right to protect their daughter. I felt wrong to you but it is acceptable to them, entirely, just as what my friend's sister did, that is just the way they are. It's easy to be unempathetic when it comes to decision making for someone else, maybe they think because they got over it, you can too. Right or wrong you cannot change the past. You can only be in the present and decide from what frame of mind you will proceed into the future. You had a lot of love in your heart, but now where did it go, and if you can re-attach to it, what will you do with it? 

Your situation is really painful. But how you deal with suffering determines the kind of person you will become. Don't worry too much about your marriage, instead focus on dealing with recovering from the intense grief you have for your past relationship. Because that situation won't change as she is married to someone else.


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## manvsmonster (May 22, 2012)

I'm so sorry for your pain & depression. It isn't fair what was done to you. I believe individuals should have the freedom to fall in love with whom they want to fall in love with. Have you talked to your wife about this? I know it may seem difficult but do you think she has the same feelings you do? Does she know you aren't happy? I can't say that I know much about Indian marriage but perhaps if you're able to share with her your feelings? Maybe I'm way off but it's at least a possibility of a start.


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