# Please Help! Can't take the Pain



## desperate44 (Sep 4, 2012)

Hi, I am going out on a limb here and really hope this is some place that I won't be judged. I was married for 23 years, and had been unhappy in my marriage for a variety of reasons one of them being that my husband had become addicted to his internet job and had ingored me for almost 3 years. Last Nov. I told him how unhappy I was. In Dec I met someone also married. We began an affair that was very intense. We were together 7 days a week for the entire day for 5 months, and if we weren't together we were texting or talking. I then got cought by the volume of texts. While we didn't break up, he did back off quite a bit. I seperated from my husband 3 months ago. Last week I asked the BF to meet me and told him that if it was over I needed to hear him say the words. He did not. He skirted the issue, and we ended up being intimate. The next morning he called and ended it. I truly believe this man loves me and is my soul mate. I can honestly say that I am 44 and have never in my life felt the way I feel for him. I have spent thousands of dollars I don't have to call psychics that tell me he will be back in October. Can they all possibly be wrong. They all tell me the same thing. The problem is- I am afraid to hope, I feel as though a piece of me is gone. I go to bed crying, I wake up crying. I swear I can feel him thinking about me at night. If I though he didn't feel the same I could walk away so much easier. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't know what fate was thinking to give me this man I love so intensely only to take him away and cause me pain that is almost unbearable. I have lost 86 lbs since I met him. I can't eat, sleep or concentrate on work. Any advice would be sooo appreciated!


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

so what's your question?

You are desperately infatuated with a (married) man who may (or may not) wish to pursue a relationship with you.

You've decided that you are done with your marriage and left your husband.

Your boyfriend seems to be sending "I"m just not that into her" signals -- maybe you were a good distraction from his unsatisfactory relationship or maybe he might be interested in a longer term relationship with you but is wary about entering into any sort of new committed relationship so soon after leaving his marriage (if he has left it).


I'm guessing the question is: what can I do so that I will be happy? My answer is that if your happiness depends on your new man and the intoxication that a new loving relationship entails, you will ultimately be disappointed. Instead, try to ask yourself -- "what would I do if I woke up tomorrow and my affair partner didn't exist?" Do the things that are on that list. You'll be a more interesting person to the man you are attracted to. And, if he decides he was just dallying and doesn't want to pursue a long term relationship with you, you'll be more attractive to other potential love interests.


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## TRGarner (Sep 5, 2012)

I ignored my wife, for many years, to the point where she is now, is wanting to end our marriage. 

I think (no clinical training or anything), you need to sit him down, no distractions, and come clean, drill into him with your problem and see to it that he understands you, don't take any "yes, uhhh huh", get into a deep meaning discussion that only you can have.

I pushed my wife away and we are at times I think, are in a fake marriage b/c of our kids and lack of money to survive outside world. Sit him down, talk to him, get him to acknowledge your feelings and his feelings.

Also, go with your gut, I maybe the newbie here but if you think it's over with, give him a chance, stress what is coming down the line and if he doesn't change end it, get over it, being married to a geek and an internet geek as a primary job is very very difficult, get everything on the line and talk. Really, truly talk it out.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Oh my. IMO you should seek help from IC as soon as you can. Stop spending money you do not have to hear what you can only hope for.
Start working on your self and improving who you are and doing things you like. 
You should consider that this man avoided any commitment with you then got physical with you then broke it off the next day. That does not sound like someone ready for a long term commitment.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Your man lover you had gave you his answer. He and you may have had great sex together and have elated feelings but here is the bottom line.

*Two people trying to have a long term loving relationship when the two people have both betrayed trust in the most damaging way is not a good foundation for long term love.*

Adultery, betrayal, and violation of trust make it almost impossible to have a long term committed and trusting relationship. It is a violation of love in the most damaging way. If a perosn will betray their spouse and children do you think that you are imune to having that person betray you at some time?

The best thing you can do for yourself is to move towards healing your emotions so that you can start thinking right. Going to psychics is expensive and dangerous and proves that you are not thinking right. Not only are they telling you what you want to hear they are also taking your money. That is a tactic that will keep you giving the psychics more of your money and in the end you will be used like a weak woman is used by a seducer and broke.

*You will get a LOT better advice here on this forum than with the psychics and the advice here is FREE!!*

*Having someone interested in you and having illicit sex for 8 months is not the best test for real love.* Thinking that it is and then having to face the reality that one of the sex partners called it quits can make a person desperate and gullible.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

desperate please don't put faith in psychics but that's not the main point.

Buy "Not Just Friends" right away. It's a book that will help you understand how you fell so hard. Knowledge is power.

There are millions of people out there who have felt like you do now. It's a common pattern and that book and other books explain it for you. "His needs / Her needs" is another that explains it but it's geared more toward fixing your marriage.


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