# Need Advice



## SomeGuy80

I've been married 6 years and I love my wife, and I think she loves me. But she treats me badly--disrespectful tone and attitude. I've tried to be nice about it saying not to talk to me that way, but it never gets any better.

I also work a lot--60 to 80 hours a week range--I have a very demanding job. I still manage to help with the kids (2) in the evening--mostly feeding them dinner and/or puttinng them to bed. Sometimes I get my daughter ready for school, make her lunch etc., and take her out to the bus. Other days my wife gets her ready but I still take her out to the bus. I do work at home and some days I have meetings and can't stop working at 5:30 sharp. My wife thinks this should be an easy thing. But I have to work with people in other timezones and it's very difficult. This has been a big sore point for years. She just wants to tell me how it is and complains routinely about it.

But this is only a sample of the issues. Most of them are what I would consider very minor and we rarely fight (maybe once a year) but I've gotten to a point where I can't take the tone and attitude anymore. It's always over the stupidest of things; for example, the other day I got up with my daughter and forgot to send something with her. (I had been paged in the middle of the night errantly and was tired, but my wife had a cold and was up for an hour or two so I agreed to get our daughter off to school.) This had happened once before and wasn't intentional this time (last time I didn't think she needed it. This time I just forgot.) My wife attacked me (verbally) in the middle of the day. We continued to fight for about 8 more hours off and on. I was so upset I couldn't finish very important items I needed to for work. I even slept in another room. 

I've asked for Couples Counseling repeatedly and she gets very insulted and cusses at me. I am not very good at personal communication and have no idea how to talk to someone who berates me like she does. I tell her she talks at me instead of with me. She just goes on and on and then tells me that she doesn't have any choice but talk at me because she's too tired when I get done working to do anything else. I think this is ridiculous. I help her throughout the day with housework--it's always minor help, but still it's help. I try to let her sleep in sometimes and will deal with one kid or another till 9 or 9:30 (latest I can possibly do on most days. . . .some days I have to start at 7am, just depends.) since I have some flexibility, but when I do she expects me to still be done (or on a break) at 5 or 5:30. If I can manage to do that, she gets upset when I have to go back to work after the kids are in bed. 

I never get a break; she vanishes promptly when I get done/break and stays in bed watching TV the rest of the night. When done with the kids I will often get snacks for her and rub her back (she has a degenerative disc disease, so she has a lot of back pain.) etc., for her. Sometimes we will watch a movie or TV together. 

She doesn't work and in the end, I end up doing maybe 25%-50% of housework, get no break/personal time, yet she claims to do everything and when I finally forget something (like earlier in the week) she berates me about it. She claims that I need to be reminded or didn't listen, so she's going to make sure I don't forget next time. The problem is I am overwhelmed and can't keep up. I routinely forget lots of things, esp around the house stuff. Or instead of doing manly work like hanging new doors, fixing locks, working on the cars etc., she wants to help do "weekend cleaning" or isn't feeling well and wants me to take care of the kids. Then days or weeks afterward, she will complain that I never get anything done?! 

I can't win here. Between work and her berating me stress has gotten so bad this year that it's triggered my COPD and I now have to take regular medication to breath. 

Please help. I'm still so upset over this I can barely focus on work. Unless I learn how to deal with her or she sees things from my point of view I don't see how we can continue. 

Yes, we are Christian and do attend Church regularly, but I think she goes for show--she's usually with our youngest who will hardly let her out of sight and even when she's not, I don't think she pays attention to the lessons etc.,


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## cb45

SG80:

i think i get yer drift(s). while we dont have "her" input, lets
say for sake of an arguement, u are accurate/correct.

here's some advice, H>S> (HolySpirit) inspired i pray.
1. carry a voice recorder or memo pad with u to get down 
all those " to do's/i forgots". 
2. re-examine yer 60-80 hr work wk. see how u can do 
some better time-mgmt analysis to cut it down etc.
3. find ways to spend some more alone time with yer W
like dates or activities she likes.
4. establish a list of things u can do, and cant do, for her
re: the cleaning/help/transport stuff u mentioned.

IF she is as bad as u describe, u have one heckava 
mountain in front of u but, with Gods help, can and will be
resolved (tho' not necessarily as U may think...).

How was yer life w/ her b4 marriage? How was it b4 the
child? How did it change? How did it get this bad, 
assuming it was better previously? was communication 
always this bad? did she have "disc" problems b4 marr?

most women i know dont cuss too often, unless they're biker
chicks, "necks", etc. she has anger issues that need to be
dealt with or they'll deal you right outta vegas, baby.

if the above pts dont help then i'd suggest u get personal
help (if she wont go to counseling) so that u can have 
some kinda peace re: what to do bout yerself and for/to
her.

last but certainly not least, best u get yer own act and peace together with God via study, prayer, and a H>S> filled church. 
the rest will follow, as the H>S> IS the best teacher this
worlds ever seen. GET ON FIRE FOR GOD!

let her see the "new" rededicated SG80, and jealously want
to know, want to get some of that, want to join in with
you in what u two should be as Christians in todays world
as God expects...not what we think.

shalom......is available..........to all.............ray:


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## SimplyAmorous

Your wife is not treating you with respect at all. You sound like a very good husband that has spoiled his wife terriby and she has grown to expect many many things from you. She is stomping on your Boundaries very badly. It makes all the sense in the world that you are feeling as you do right now. This relationship is not balanced. You are the man, you are the breadwinner, You deserve her respect. 

As you can not change her, you will need to do some changing yourself to get her attention. 

I advise you to post this in the Men's Clubhouse & get some advice there. These guys will tell you -you are too much of a "NICE GUY" and this often leads to the wife taking you for granted, treating you like crap, being somewhat of a doormat. BUt there is hope! 

Books like this can help you take back your life & win her respect ! Amazon.com: No More Christian Nice Guy: When Being Nice--Instead of Good--Hurts Men, Women And Children (9780764200922): Paul T. Coughlin, Paul Coughlin: Books 

Amazon.com: No More Mr. Nice Guy! (9780762415335): Robert A. Glover: Books

Amazon.com: Boundaries in Marriage (9780310243144): Henry Cloud, John Townsend: Books

Amazon.com: Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men (9780979054402): Wayne M. Levine: Books


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## greenpearl

My advice for you is the same as SA's. 

You have to stop being a nice guy, you are putting up too much with her, ans she just takes you for granted. You are at the point you can't stand it anymore!

You can be a nice guy when your wife is nice. When she isn't, you have to man up and and let your wife know she can't trash you anymore. 

Please go to men's club and go through threads there, there are a lot of threads about MAN UP. 

There is one from r2d2, his thread has a lot of good advice from the gentlemen here on TAM.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18584-calling-all-men-i-need-your-help.html


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