# Unwilling to comunicate...



## kuyaeye (Jun 15, 2009)

So I started to go to counseling without me wife, and one of the suggestions that was given to me by my counselor was to give my wife space, and to not bring up all the feelings and issues that we both know are there until she is ready to talk about them. I have been waiting now for 2 weeks, and still no comunication, short small talk is all. She talks to more people on facebook than me, and longer converstions I might add. I think she will never want to comunicate with me, she said to me "if the problem is not said aloud, then there is no problem."


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

2 weeks does not sound like a lot of time, to me, but I don't know enough to say "I'm right." What does the counselor say? Have you tried getting on FB and chatting with her, even if only from another room? Sometimes, that kind of communication is less threatening, and it can be silly and fun, too. Just a thought!


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## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

kuyaeye said:


> I think she will never want to comunicate with me, she said to me "if the problem is not said aloud, then there is no problem."


Boy that sounds soooo familiar. What she means is the problem is not there for _her_ if it's not said aloud. That's because _her_ problem is you wanting to resolve any issues you may have, or to voice your dissatisfaction. You're looking at different problems.

I'm not sure I have too much to suggest. Our counsellor suggested that we make a set "appointment" to sit down and talk about things. You may try to see if she'll agree to that.
Not much of a suggestion, I know, but it cost me a lot of money for that little gem.  It just became an appointment for an argument.

I wish I could offer more than empathy. I've been living this myself for a year now. Good luck


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## kuyaeye (Jun 15, 2009)

Yes, we both have iphones, and facebook is also on them, I have tried to chat with her and she says she is "too busy to chat", but she will be on facebook for hours on end, I have tried to send her romantic sms text messages on occasion in the past and I get no response or reciprication from her. I give her the "space" she asked for, but I just feel so distant from her.


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## Heidiw (Jul 2, 2009)

I'm going thru my own issues with my spouse & an online game that turned my life into a living hell right now. I would separate & give yourself the space. Continue counseling for you & deal with your issues. If she doesn't want to go with you or address the issue then move on. 

I am trying right now to do this & I know its going to be hard as he has to live in the house for awhile before he can leave. Plus we have a daughter together. I either want to fix it or move on.

Good luck.


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## fairydust (Mar 28, 2009)

My H is probably the worst person when it comes to communication. Oddly enough our first date was a seven hour conversation in the park.

Now I can't get him to talk about ANYTHING. It's extremely frustrating. 

Don't have any advice for you but wanted to say I've been waiting now for at least a year but I always get "it's not a good time", "we will later" which never happens.. "when I'm ready" ect.

I'm now looking to end the relationship but I can't get him to talk about seperating the bills, house.


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## ISSA (Jul 2, 2009)

been through and still going through the same problem. Men want to Identify and fix a problem with a relationship. Usually we get to that point long after it has become a major problem for the wife. Now, we are at their mercy and it will drive you absolutely crazy trying to fix the issue on your time frame. Women, want to state a problem at their leisure and feeeeeel it for a while. They don't want to get into solution until they feeeeel like it. All I can recomend is don't push her for a response it will only make an already lengthy process longer. Give her time to miss you. Don't nag. Good luck


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## elattoo (Jul 4, 2009)

Oops...I just replied to your older post and then read this latest one. What to do when you want to save the marriage and your spouse doesn't seem to care? It sounds to me like the only thing you can do is change yourself and hope/pray that she responds to that over time. At this point, you have no control over what she does and I do not believe giving her space will cause her to magically start missing you and come back with open arms. Instead, it will give her the freedom to pursue other relationships or distractions. I agree though that nagging her as someone said, or trying to talk through the problem with her when she is not receptive is not going to work.

Your focus needs to be on how you can save her from the lie. She has bought into the lie that marriage should make you happy. Joy and happiness may occasionally happen in a marriage, just as affection and intimacy do, but marriage will not bring lasting contentment or happiness. Couples that enter into a marriage believing and expecting this only set themselves up for huge disappointment.

So, I suggest you work on how you can love her and serve her unconditionally, without any expectation on how she will respond. Ask her how you can help in the kitchen, what you can do around the house, etc. Give her a backrub every night for a year...you may just start a habit that will become a part of your marriage. The trick here is it has to come from the heart, and know that she will be skeptical of your motives. 

Not sure what your faith is, but find something bigger than yourself to rely upon. For me that is the truth of the Bible, and the principles it teaches. My belief is that this hole in our heart, that so many of us try to fill with a spouse or relationship or stuff, is actually meant to be filled by our Creator. That may sound like the silliest advice, so take it or leave it.

I recommend you read "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas, and watch the movie "Fireproof".

Blessings to you...
Kevin


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## Izzitme (Aug 29, 2009)

Interesting post and some interesting advice given.

I discussed 'my' problem with my wife. I felt, without going into details, that our marriage could be richer and better. I felt that she and I did not communicate enough and that neither she, or I, knew how the other felt.

She denied any issues. She advised me to visit a councillor.

I visited a councillor, alone. After a few sessions the councillor admitted that their was no point in continuing without my wife. My wife refuses to acknowledge any issues, or to visit a councillor with me.

See my name.

Izzitus?


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