# Is there anyone out there who has chosen to be single post marriage?



## Maria9938 (Feb 22, 2011)

Hello,

I've been reading a number of marriage support boards and I've learned so much from the people who are kind enough to share.

I have almost been married for 6 years to my husband that I've known since I was very young. In this short amount of time I've had to deal with DUI arrests, recreational drug use, giving money to friends, coming home between 2 and 6 am, texts from other women, court ordered drug tests, speeding tickets, not helping around the house, denying me sex, emotional abandonment, secrecy, unemployment, physical violence, worrying, stress, arguments, disagreements over money, passive aggressiveness, and the fact that I'm in the house alone most of the time while he's with the boys. We both got master's degrees during this time and we are both fairly successful professionally. There were good moments in the past, but I've decided that I'd rather be single for the rest of life than to stay in an unstable, unhappy marriage. I am more happy when I'm alone and I can deal with that. I was living a perfectly fine life as a single person before I got married. 

I feel like a beautiful bird locked in a cage by a man that wants to selfishly keep her to himself, but isn't willing to take care of her and maintain her spirit.

I see that so many are trying very hard to make it work with husbands who have these same issues. 

Is there anyone out there who has chosen to be single rather than to put up with such a miserable existence? I refuse to live like this. Life is short.


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## dontKnowMe (Jun 1, 2011)

I'm not divorced but certainly there are people that embrace the single life. I find this blog keenly interesting:

Living Single | Psychology Today

It's primarily about how American society seems to force the idea that one must be married to be happy and that it is not true.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Maria9938 said:


> Is there anyone out there who has chosen to be single rather than to put up with such a miserable existence? I refuse to live like this. Life is short.


Absolutely. There are tons of people. 

Some people never want a relationship again, and some just never remarry, but go on to ahve other relationships.

I, myself, am recently divorced and decided some time ago and even now I have zero desire to date or be i na relationship. I spent nearly a decade with my ex and always enjoyed being single before I met him. Sure, it's nice to have a companion to share things with but it isn't the be-all/end-all to me at the moment. 

I want to be single for awhile. It's a strange new existenece and I find myself liking it.

After going through a crazy divorce, I am not sure I'd ever remarry. I'm only 30 but I don't ever want to experience that again. --experience what one thought was a permanent relationship coming to an end. It was greatly traumatic but with each and every day I feel more and more like he's a ghost now...that our life together was someone else's. If that makes sense. it's weird.


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

I have come to the conclusion that the purpose of marriage is to have and raise a family legally. Other than that, if you're happy with yourself or can be happy with just having an understanding, respectful and loving companion is all that everyone needs.

Judging by how marriage have decreased in recent years, I'm beginning to think that people are finally realizing the same.

I think that churches and religion has got us all believing that living, and having sex with someone outside of marriage is taboo and should not be encourage.

But I also feel that if you're NOT doing anything illegal or hurting someone, then there's NO reason why you shouldn't find a way to keep yourself happy without any commitments.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ Has marriage really decreased in recent years? It seems to me that people are always getting married.


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

I don't know if I can post the link here, but here's an article regarding decrease in marriages and increase in divorces published in 2010.

Why Marriage Rates are Decreasing: The Factors Contributing to Decreased Marriage Rates | Suite101.com

Maybe of interest to some: Note that *COMMUNICATION *has been sited as the major cause of divorces.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

By 2015 more than half of US children will be born outside of legal marriage
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Kauaiguy said:


> Maybe of interest to some: Note that *COMMUNICATION *has been sited as the major cause of divorces.


Yeah that does seem to always be one of the common cited causes of divorce. Makes sense to me!


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

My Divorce care class had a thing on new relationships last night. They said that to be happy in any relationship, you have to be whole in and of yourself first--not be looking for someone else to complete you. You sound very whole to me, Maria, and from there you just make your life the way you want it. It's true that there is this expectation that you can't be happy unless you are with someone, but that's a load. And they said to be "healed" from your last relationship, figure 1 year on your own for every 5 you were married. (according to their experts, this gives you the best chance to be good "on your own" and so be ready to have a healthy relationship.) The remarriage stats get worse with each remarriage, so it might be worth the wait in the long run. But you, by yourself, is all you really need ("with a little help from your friends," as Joe ****er would say..


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Ha Ha Ha! They starred out Joe C.ock.er! Tee hee!


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## Maria9938 (Feb 22, 2011)

Thank you all for your replies.

uhaul4mybaggage,

What you wrote really touched me. Thank you so much.
He has told me multiple times this week that he will leave me.
He has not said this before. I guess its a matter of time.
I'm bracing myself.


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

Hi Maria,

I will be moving out in a month, after 18 years of marriage. My husband and I will divorce. 

He immediately rushed into a "committed relationship" (his words) after numerous affairs. That's how he is wired - an addictive personality, rushing to the next woman to lean on.

As for me, I will take at least one year before even thinking of dating. And maybe after that I will continue to remain single. I very much look forward to being on my own, embracing healing and quiet, and raising my daughter well. 

No way will I sacrifice my new single life by chasing after the next guy. That would be a profound mistake.


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## Maria9938 (Feb 22, 2011)

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts. For me, the peace is priceless. I have to have that.

We talked yesterday, and he never said the word divorce, but he never offered any solutions to how we can fix our problems.

I gave my suggestions and he said he'd think about it and get back to me. I think he wants me to bail first. The only thing is I'm trying to finish up school. 

I think he's already trying to build his case in divorce court.

What will be - will be.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

physical violence

Why do smart, attractive, wonderful women put up with this. At the first sign of physical violence...game over. There are more than enough men out there that won't hurt you.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

sinnister said:


> physical violence
> 
> Why do smart, attractive, wonderful women put up with this. At the first sign of physical violence...game over. There are more than enough men out there that won't hurt you.


Poor self esteem and little respect for themselves. Thinking and hoping it will get better, wont happen again kind of thing. Its quite common amoung women who are abused, whether, its physical, mental, emotional, verbal etc.


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## Maria9938 (Feb 22, 2011)

In my case, I was ashamed to tell anyone and I didn't want him to have to deal with the police. My self esteem is fine. 

It only happened once, but because of that I decided that I am within my rights to leave at any time.

I've stayed hoping for things to get better and to finish my degree. However, our relationship has not improved.


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

solitudeseeker said:


> Hi Maria,
> 
> I will be moving out in a month, after 18 years of marriage. My husband and I will divorce.
> 
> ...


I will lay odds that your husbands "committed relationship" won't last! Most REBOUNDS do NOT last and I wouldn't be surprised that the woman who he's currently trying to have a relationship with will be posting her woes to a similar board (if not this) like this in the near future.

You're making a wise decision to take some time off to find yourself again and to release the accumulative stress you've endured through these years. I think you'll find in the end that it was worth it.


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## Maria9938 (Feb 22, 2011)

My divorce was final on November 17, 2011 and I'm moving on with my life. Thank you to those who replied to my inquiries. You helped me see some things that I was not aware of. All the best to all of you. My life is better already.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

All of the best to you as well, Maria!


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