# SAHP divorce success stories



## Willowlake (Mar 18, 2014)

Hi all. I am seriously considering divorce and have been doing all the reading up and research on the topic. We've been married 22 years and have three children between the ages of 11 and 18. Our 18 year old is still in H.S. so is still living at home and will most likely not be leaving for several years to come. Which is fine with both H and myself.

I'm just not happy for several various reasons and have finally faced the fact that I just plain and simply can't tolerate my spouses personality. I think he'd be happier in the long run as well if we split up. 

As far as I'm concerned there shouldn't be to much trouble deciding custody (50/50) and asset division. We have no debts other than our mortgage. There might be some squabbling over who gets the house, it's a small mortgage compared to rent on apartments.

The one thing that's stopping me is my horrible job prospects. As a SAHM I did work some, just not enough to really cement myself experience wise in any particular industry. I delivered newspapers, worked at a small retail shop, and am now in a delivery job. All minimum wage part time jobs with no advancement opportunities.

I literally have no marketable job skills. I'm over 40, I think that is going to be a roadblock. We live in a state that does not have alimony but something else called maintenance, and from what I'm reading this maintenance is only awarded in limited circumstances. So plans to go back to school for training may be unfeasible for me with out that financial assistance maintenance would provide. BTW Hubs made just under 100K this past year while I made just over 5K. 

I need some encouragement folks. I know this can be done. Many SAHP's have gone before me to divorce and build a life for themselves and their children right? I guess my fear is I don't want my kids to suffer and I don't want to live in a constant state of worry about finances. I know things will be rough at times, it seems that's just the realty of it all, but I fear I will fail. I can't bear the thought of failing at this. I personally know of one SAHM who is now living in a shelter and never sees her kids because things have not gone well for her after divorce. I cannot tolerate the thought of losing my kids. This has me frozen in my tracks.

To all of you who have walked down this road, what did you do? How did you do it? Is there anything you would change knowing what you know now? I need to know there are successful people out there who've been there and done that. 

I haven't talked to an attorney yet, I'm taking my time as I research this on my own first. But if anyone in the state of IN in particular has any words of either advise or caution I'd love you forever!


----------



## Counterfit (Feb 2, 2014)

I am curious......when exactly did marraige vows stop meaning anything......you know......the "until death do us part....and "for better or worse" type of vows?

You have been very content to ride your husbands wallet and $100 k / year salary for many many years.......why not put some time and energy into resolving your marriage problems to save your family.

Your behavior and callous attitude towards the vows you made are exactly the reason why men should not ever get married.


----------



## Willowlake (Mar 18, 2014)

Oh dear lord. Spare me your self righteous sermon counterfit. You can keep your sacred marriage vows and come live with my H and ride off into the sunset together for all I care. Happily ever after, good luck! 

I'm done with marriage and men for that matter. 

p.s. Try reading the posting history of the people you are responding to. Not doing so sort of makes you look like an ass....
umptive type of guy.


----------



## Willowlake (Mar 18, 2014)

And I have read your posting history here. The flavor of your posts suggest that you are rude and arrogant and enjoy putting people down. You're rather trollish actually. I recommend the mods keep on eye on this poster.


----------



## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

I would stay. at least for awhile.

You need to figure out how to support yourself and your kids when they are with you. Leaving now seems like the absolute worst thing you could possibly do. 

So, you've decided not to do anything to fix your relationship. 
That's your decision. BUT, you do owe it to your kids to exhaust all possible means of reconciliation before making them children of divorce. Divorce sucks period. It isn't going to be easy for them and especially not you. The grass is rarely greener on the other side.
You haven't listed any real reasons for wanting to leave other than you just don't like the dude. 

Anyway - you need to go down to your local One Stop = local Indiana Workforce development office. See about what training is offered. Local library will also have free training on how to use computer software programs.
Don't know what city you live in - but the jobless rate here in Indiana is pretty high.

Check out the Workforce Investment Act (WIA) the local Employment office has this program that helps give training to displaced homemakers. Which is what you will be. It offers training in all sorts of things if you don't already have a Bachelor's Degree.

Without a clear plan of what kind of work you will do and where - will indeed put you in that position of constantly worrying about finances. The older you get, the harder it is to get hired.
College degreed folks are working at McDonalds for minimum wage.

I would suggest independent counseling for you. Help you figure out why you are unhappy in your marriage and with yourself. And give you skills to cope.

Smartest thing you can do is figure out how you are going to support yourself when you leave - without his income.
If you do joint custody - then there will be no child support.
You may want to re-think that.
You may want to take a step back and rethink everything...realistically.

And why would your 18 year old not be leaving for years to come?
You may need to rethink this - if he/she isn't going to college or trade school...then he/she needs to get a job and pay rent. (You could put the rent in a savings account and use it as a nest egg for him or her when they have gotten themselves and their future figured out.) 
There are so many avenues of training for securing a job - take advantage of that. It is your job as parents to teach your child how to support themselves and be a productive member of society. In doing this it might help you figure out how you are going to support yourself.

You should be stopped dead in your tracks at this point.
You haven't figured out how you are going to manage by yourself.
You have no income and doing 50/50 means you won't be getting child support each week/moth either.

For a second home - you'll have rent/mortgage, utilities, food, homeowners/rental insurance, car payment & car insurance & maintenance and gas, medicines & health insurance, dental vision insurance, clothing expense for your new job...lots of things that you take for granted now - you will be the one securing them AND paying for them. Childcare for the 11 yr old. 

Divorce isn't the cure-all. It isn't easy at all. You'll also have the lawyer/attorney fees.

If it were me - I'd see if there were any way - such as marriage counseling to help mend the marriage. While doing that - I'd be figuring out training and getting a job that pays a great deal more than $5000 a year. That might even be just the fix you need to help with your own self-esteem and feeling trapped issues.

Good Luck.


----------



## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

oh and since I see you were unhappy in other threads about thanking your spouse for doing his share of the chores at home.

when you are alone you'll be doing ALL OF THAT on your own too.

It is hard.


----------



## Willowlake (Mar 18, 2014)

Thank you unique! 



> I would stay. at least for awhile.


I am. But I've been flip flopping for two years with this. One day I feel that I have to get out now, before I loose it. Then an hour later I'm asking myself how I could do that to my kids. As the adult I feel that I have to deal with all of this for them, no matter how bad things are. I'm just worried that I'm going to crack and then what about my kids?



> You need to figure out how to support yourself and your kids when they are with you. Leaving now seems like the absolute worst thing you could possibly do.


Yep! I need to become self supporting and I want to desperately. I need time to get there before I can leave. I just have days were I can't take it.



> So, you've decided not to do anything to fix your relationship.
> That's your decision. BUT, you do owe it to your kids to exhaust all possible means of reconciliation before making them children of divorce. Divorce sucks period. It isn't going to be easy for them and especially not you. The grass is rarely greener on the other side.
> You haven't listed any real reasons for wanting to leave other than you just don't like the dude.


I have my reasons, most of which I haven't mentioned here in an attempt to remain anonymous. Two of these reasons are things that would have had me never marrying him in the first place had I known. One of these things I have not seen mentioned here on TAM by anyone. Then there are the typical day to day or common problems that marriage can present piled on top. I have to ask the members here to just trust that I know my situation and what needs to be done and help me if you feel the inclination.

My parents divorced when I was ten so I know what my kids would be facing. My parents are still, 32 years later, very bitter. It was bad. So my kids and their well being are very much on my mind because I know what divorce can look like when it's a bad one.

As far as greener grass- I have no interest in another relationship. No thanks.



> Anyway - you need to go down to your local One Stop = local Indiana Workforce development office. See about what training is offered. Local library will also have free training on how to use computer software programs.
> Don't know what city you live in - but the jobless rate here in Indiana is pretty high.
> 
> Check out the Workforce Investment Act (WIA) the local Employment office has this program that helps give training to displaced homemakers. Which is what you will be. It offers training in all sorts of things if you don't already have a Bachelor's Degree.
> ...


Thank you! I was not aware of these resources. This is exactly the type of information I was hoping to find!



> Smartest thing you can do is figure out how you are going to support yourself when you leave - without his income.
> If you do joint custody - then there will be no child support.
> You may want to re-think that.
> You may want to take a step back and rethink everything...realistically.


I realize there would be no child support. That would make things difficult but the kids need their dad. I don't know if 50/50 would work because of H's work schedule, so I don't really know how custody would realistically end up.



> And why would your 18 year old not be leaving for years to come?
> You may need to rethink this - if he/she isn't going to college or trade school...then he/she needs to get a job and pay rent. (You could put the rent in a savings account and use it as a nest egg for him or her when they have gotten themselves and their future figured out.)


There is an undiagnosed disability involved. She works part time now and we've been discussing potential future careers for her with her more frequently now that graduation is so close but she cannot drive and is limited in the types of work she can perform, so she will be dependent on us for help until we figure things out with her. We live in a small town and there is no public transportation so that's not an option.



> There are so many avenues of training for securing a job - take advantage of that. It is your job as parents to teach your child how to support themselves and be a productive member of society. In doing this it might help you figure out how you are going to support yourself.


Yep, agree! We've had conversations in the past with our kids about how things would be for us financially if something happened to their dad. I've told them that having a parent at home with them comes with a huge risk to family welfare if a disaster were to strike. I've explained to them how important it is for them to set goals and then take the steps necessary to reach those goals to become self supporting. That is what I'm trying to do myself now.



> If it were me - I'd see if there were any way - such as marriage counseling to help mend the marriage. While doing that - I'd be figuring out training and getting a job that pays a great deal more than $5000 a year. That might even be just the fix you need to help with your own self-esteem and feeling trapped issues.


We're starting counseling next week but I'm not holding my breath. I know him. He's going to be more concerned with impressing the counselor and getting buddy buddy with the counselor. He thinks he can charm/joke his way through everything. Then when he feels confronted he's going to throw a tantrum and declare the counselor a quack. He's just that predictable. I would be stunned and greatly impressed if things went otherwise and that's why I agreed to the counseling. I'm hoping he proves me wrong.

Once again Unique, thank you for your time and advise! Much appreciated.


----------



## Willowlake (Mar 18, 2014)

Unique Username said:


> oh and since I see you were unhappy in other threads about thanking your spouse for doing his share of the chores at home.
> 
> when you are alone you'll be doing ALL OF THAT on your own too.
> 
> It is hard.


Yep, thought of that part of it too. 

I already do most of the housework, he helps when he feels like it, it won't be that much of a change. And I won't have to heap praise on him for picking up his own dirty clothes.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

To address some of your questions about divorce and finances.
How long is maintenance (or rehabilitative maintenance) usually paid for in your state?

You say that the payment on the house is low. How much equity is in the house? Consider that whichever of you keeps the house, will probably have to pay the other 50% of the equity. So that probably means either refinancing the house or getting a second mortgage. That will drive up the monthly payment on the house.

Since your husband’s income is higher than yours, you would most likely get some child support even if you two share custody 50/50.
You can, after filing for divorce get some kind of job training or college degree that would help you get a job on which you can support yourself. You could apply for the Pel Grant, student loans and scholarships. There are scholarships for what is called ‘displace homemakers’. 

You say that you do not want to hurt your children. Forget that idea. They will be hurt. It will affect them in school and in life. It does this to most children whether they are little, 11, or 18. What you have to look at is how you can manage the hurt and help them through it.

On to other topics. You say that you have days in which you cannot take it. Change your focus. Start working on doing whatever you can to become employable. Go sign up for some training program. What schools are around you.. not expensive private schools but ones that good, solid state run ones.. like here in New Mexico we have a state run technical school and the University of New Mexico. They are good, solid schools and their tuition is affordable for in state students.

Get out of the house as much as you can. Get your job skills and get a job. Take care of your kids. 

As you know, if you don’t do this you can end up in some serious financial trouble that will affect both you and your children in a very negative way.


----------



## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Maintenance in Indiana is vitually unheard of. Don't count on it.

since husband is busy working - and seems to have traditional views of gender, I would go for sole custody with liberal visitation.
Then u get the max child support. You'll have to get creative about how to deal with the eldest daughter's difficulties and disability. Sounds like you also need to get busy getting it diagnosed, your child's school special ed coordinator will be a great ally and have great resources. 

Dont defeat counseling before it has even begun - part of success is believing and having a POSITIVE attitude.

I know it's hard. You need to work on you - also on how you view things. 
I know it frikkin sucks to have to praise someone for doing what they should have done in the first place....but this truly isnt uncommon at all. You are the SAHP, so in his eyes this IS your job..so when he helps...get over yourself and thank him. I know that sounds like a slap in the face. 
But even a bad dog needs a pat on the head once in awhile.
If praising his lil ego gets more help out if him..do it.

I know you are sounding resentful and probably hateful to him, and feeling way under appreciated. This would be a point you should bring up in counseling. I bet he truly doesnt understand everything you do as the wife, mom, chef, chauffer, nurse, counselor, maid, janitor, maitenance technician, tutor, chef, special events coordinator etc etc

men and women really dont think the same. Expectations are not the same either. Sounds like you got in a rut, took less than you felt you desserved and are now terribly resentful. I completely understand that.

maybe it is time to -in counseling- 
renegotiate your relationship contract.
but dont call it a failure before you even begin.

he does sound a little narcissistic - a good counselor will see this. 

I really think you will feel so much better about him, yourself, your marriage...when you get to working on your job skills, training and get a job.


----------



## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

When I said grass greener - I didnt mean anything to do with dating or another relationship.

I meant that it is harder period when you are a divorced single parent. 
Even if you had 50/50 custody - I bet you would have them more and would be out child support 

every state is different in the regard to alimonymmaintenance and child support eligibility and calculation.

try the counseling...work on yourself.

since you dont want any kind of romantic relationship...what about co-parenting, living in the same house..and working sonething out that way?

im in indiana too...pm me if you want.


----------



## Willowlake (Mar 18, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> To address some of your questions about divorce and finances.
> How long is maintenance (or rehabilitative maintenance) usually paid for in your state?
> 
> You say that the payment on the house is low. How much equity is in the house? Consider that whichever of you keeps the house, will probably have to pay the other 50% of the equity. So that probably means either refinancing the house or getting a second mortgage. That will drive up the monthly payment on the house.
> ...


Thank you EleGirl. There isn't much equity in the house, maybe $5K but that would be offset by some repairs that are needed and haven't been taken care of. I'm thinking perhaps my share of the 401K could be used to pay the house off, if I get the house that is. That would take a huge load off me immediately but leave me nada for later on in life. It's just an idea I'm floating around. I'd have maybe $10k left over to help me get started on my own for school, emergency fund, deposit to replace my car if it dies etc. I really am torn on this part. I'd like to keep the 401K for my golden years but....

The maintenance in my state has a limit of three years but it's very hard to get from what I've read and Unique has verified this to be true as well, she's from my state. I think it would be better for me try to do this knowing I won't have much to rely on, that'll keep the fire under my arse roaring hot and keep me on my toes. 

Ok, more good info...scholarships for displaced homemakers! I had no idea. We have a local community college, I could go for an associates in something. I just don't know what yet.

My babies, I know they'll be hurt. And my youngest is so super sensitive.  My hubbies insurance would cover counseling for them, so at least I know that option is available. I just hope, if things do go south in counseling, that H can be the dad he'll need to be and hold it together for them. I do worry about that, he doesn't deal with negativity well at all.

Thanks for the advice EleGirl. I do need to focus on other things when he does something that pushes me toward the edge. I've got to come up with something I can turn to, something positive.

Thanks so much for chiming in!


----------



## Willowlake (Mar 18, 2014)

Unique Username said:


> Maintenance in Indiana is vitually unheard of. Don't count on it.
> 
> since husband is busy working - and seems to have traditional views of gender, I would go for sole custody with liberal visitation.
> Then u get the max child support. You'll have to get creative about how to deal with the eldest daughter's difficulties and disability. Sounds like you also need to get busy getting it diagnosed, your child's school special ed coordinator will be a great ally and have great resources.
> ...


I spoke with my daughters gym teacher today. He agreed there are definite issues that need addressing and he gave me some suggestions as to how to get started working toward a diagnosis. So I got that ball rolling today. 

Your right about the resentment and anger. I'm angry every day. It's hard to figure out how to feel positive when the anger is always there and colors everything. 

Shoot, gotta leave for work. Thanks again Unique!


----------



## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

Willowlake said:


> I spoke with my daughters gym teacher today. He agreed there are definite issues that need addressing and he gave me some suggestions as to how to get started working toward a diagnosis. So I got that ball rolling today.
> 
> Your right about the resentment and anger. I'm angry every day. It's hard to figure out how to feel positive when the anger is always there and colors everything.
> 
> Shoot, gotta leave for work. Thanks again Unique!


Hi, 

I am in your exact shoes, minus 12 years in the marriage. We have been married 7 together 8. My STBX is a narcissist and sounds like your hubby from the little bit you have shared. 

I decided to leave him too. And I did, and I am broke and in a really bad situation but I went through the state and I am trying to get help for daycare to find work and go back to school...

He said he would help me, and now that it is all becoming real he is saying he will take my kids away from me. He will completely uproot them and take them to the next county over just for me trying to make a better life for us. 

Every time I feel great he swoops in and breaks me at the knees. Go to counseling. Figure yourself out individually. Do what you can for your marriage. You owe it to your vows to try. But do go to Individual therapy ALSO!! And stick to it. It is the only thing that gives me the energy to keep going.


----------



## Counterfit (Feb 2, 2014)

Willowlake said:


> Oh dear lord. Spare me your self righteous sermon counterfit. You can keep your sacred marriage vows and come live with my H and ride off into the sunset together for all I care. Happily ever after, good luck!
> 
> I'm done with marriage and men for that matter.
> 
> ...


But you are apparently not done with the money he earns.......

You will work the family court system to the best of your ability to drain every dollar and asset from your husband while you play the "Poor me - I gave up a potential career as a brain surgeon to be a stay at home mom" gig.

Fact #1: You did not have the drive, intellegence, or desire to obtain an education which would have allowed you to earn a high salary like your husband did. Instead you took the easy way out and "married" for it. 

Fact #2: Once you find out how hard it really is to find and hold a real job in the real world you will seek out another fool to marry you.......your distaste for men and marriage will be superseded by your need for money. And this fantasy trip that all of the home care activities that you do is equivalent to a high salary in the real world is laughable.......you are essentially unemployable.


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

You may be perimenopausal which can deeply affect mood and perception. 

I noticed on your other thread that you haven't had sex with your H for THREE YEARS. Geez, willowlake, I'd be grumpy too!

Nothing you wrote about your H sounds worthy of throwing the M away to me.

I suggest you try Marriage Help Program For Couples to see if you can get the spark back


----------



## Willowlake (Mar 18, 2014)

mishu143 said:


> Hi,
> 
> I am in your exact shoes, minus 12 years in the marriage. We have been married 7 together 8. My STBX is a narcissist and sounds like your hubby from the little bit you have shared.
> 
> ...


Thanks Mishu. I've read your thread and I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Individual therapy is the next thing on my list. I've already got a practice picked out, just have to sort out when I'd go. My job can be a little eratic schedule wise.

I hope things work out for you and the day care issue. That's one thing I don't have to worry about as much. My two oldest are old enough to watch my youngest when they are not in school.

I also hope you keep sharing your journey in your thread.


----------



## Willowlake (Mar 18, 2014)

Counterfit said:


> But you are apparently not done with the money he earns.......
> 
> You will work the family court system to the best of your ability to drain every dollar and asset from your husband while you play the "Poor me - I gave up a potential career as a brain surgeon to be a stay at home mom" gig.
> 
> ...


Well there you go again Counterfit...insulting someone you don't know the first thing about. You really have me sitting here scratching my head. I don't understand people like you. 

You make all these assumptions about me, why? We've never met yet you don't like me. I don't care but I have to wonder why. You generalize way to much for my taste.

Enough already. Take your bitter insults to someone else who you might have a chance of getting a reaction out of.


----------



## Willowlake (Mar 18, 2014)

Blonde said:


> You may be perimenopausal which can deeply affect mood and perception.
> 
> I noticed on your other thread that you haven't had sex with your H for THREE YEARS. Geez, willowlake, I'd be grumpy too!
> 
> ...


Yeah the sex thing issue is a big one. H has never been able to perform for longer than about 10 seconds. I've been the grumpy one for 22 years.


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Why can't he do oral for you first?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Willowlake said:


> Thank you EleGirl. There isn't much equity in the house, maybe $5K but that would be offset by some repairs that are needed and haven't been taken care of. I'm thinking perhaps my share of the 401K could be used to pay the house off, if I get the house that is. That would take a huge load off me immediately but leave me nada for later on in life. It's just an idea I'm floating around. I'd have maybe $10k left over to help me get started on my own for school, emergency fund, deposit to replace my car if it dies etc. I really am torn on this part. I'd like to keep the 401K for my golden years but....
> 
> The maintenance in my state has a limit of three years but it's very hard to get from what I've read and Unique has verified this to be true as well, she's from my state. I think it would be better for me try to do this knowing I won't have much to rely on, that'll keep the fire under my arse roaring hot and keep me on my toes.
> 
> ...


On the house.. if it only has $5k equity, I would not touch that. Instead get a list of the needed repairs. Argue in the divorce that it makes sense for you to get the house free and clear as you will need to cover the repairs. This argument might work.

I don't know how much the 401K is, but you might want to check if you can get your half now.. then roll it over.. taking out in cash what you need and put the rest of it in a IRA type account for yourself for later in life.

Our local community college (CNM) has all kinds of things, not just associate degrees. I'd even advise against an associates degree if you are only going to go that far. .. they are really not worth much $$wise on the job market.

At CNM they have what they call "Associate of Applied Science". This is no an associates degree in the sense that the classes do not transfer to a 4 year school towards a BA/BS degree.

The AAS is given in things like:
Paralegal
Radiology
Diagnostic Medical Sonography 
Dental Assisting 
... and so forth. There is a long list of things that they offer.

These are programs to help prepare you for a job.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Willowlake said:


> I realize there would be no child support. That would make things difficult but the kids need their dad. I don't know if 50/50 would work because of H's work schedule, so I don't really know how custody would realistically end up.


Why do you think that there would be no child support with 50/50. You will most likely get child support even with 50/50.

Why?

Because they way it's calculated is basically the court will take some % of your joint income.. let's say 20% for one child.

If your joint income is $5000 a month, with your H earning $4000 and you earning $1000... 


4000 1000
x.20 x.20
-------------- ----------
800 200

So add that together and the court assumes you it will take the two of you $1000 a month to raise your underage child. You each get $500 for this.

So your H would give you $300 a month. this way each of you have $500 to take care of your child when the child is with you. All extra expenses, like tuition, sports, insurance, medical bills should be split according the % of combined income you earn... that's on top of child support. Your divorce papers should state this.

So you would pay .20% of the extras. This would be adjusted as your incomes go up/down.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Willowlake,

I just looked up your state's court self help web site. They have a child support calculator. I ran the scenario gave above the child support that he's pay you would be higher than the number I gave. 

You really need to run the calculator with the real numbers so you can see what it will be for you.

Indiana Supreme Court Child Support Calculator


The link below is to another page on the same website with more info....

courts.IN.gov: Family Legal Resources


----------



## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

Counterfit said:


> I am curious......when exactly did marraige vows stop meaning anything......you know......the "until death do us part....and "for better or worse" type of vows


She is asking for LEAVING advice, not save the marriage advice.


----------

