# Those considering Seperation/Divorce...does your spouse see??



## lovemybabies (Oct 4, 2011)

Hi All,

Just a quick question, for those of you on here considering seperation/divorce...does your spouse see a problem or do they think everything is fine...status quo?

Ive been in this world of limbo for a long time and have brought up the issue many times and nothing changes. My H doesn't bring up our issues at all and thinks everything is fine between us. 

Anyone in the same boat??


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## firetiger (Nov 9, 2011)

My H does sees some issues but he thinks that i'm cheating when in reality nothing is going on. Though i have been thinking about a separation/divorce for a year now.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Yes, my husband sees that we have problems, but he is convinced they're all MY problems. He is much too eager to agree to separate, than he would to agree to work on things... Because I'm the only one who needs work. :facepalm:

I really consider divorce based on the fact that nothing will improve if he can't see the areas he could be improving in... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovemybabies (Oct 4, 2011)

same here, I'm the one with the issues and he said I need to talk to someone to sort out my feelings to get my feelings back for him. He's done nothing to try and make things better and the less it's talked about the better he feels. He calls me hon and sweetie but hasn't tried to rekindle anything, but I"M the one in therapy. I'm so frustrated


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

My W knows all of it. The EA, my lost passion, my counseling sessions, and possibility of divorce.


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## RP49D22 (Dec 7, 2011)

firetiger said:


> My H does sees some issues but he thinks that i'm cheating when in reality nothing is going on. Though i have been thinking about a separation/divorce for a year now.


As a husband going through potential separation issues, I have a little perspective I suppose. Maybe we can help each other here. 

I recognize the issues, I have been controlling and never saw it for years...don't know why, the light bulb just didn't go on. Finally three weeks ago when my wife said it again, I happen to read some articles and realized that I have a behavior that needs to be changed. I have been diligent for 3 weeks, while she's asked for space. 

I didn't think any cheating was going on prior to this. Now, I find out that she has some friends across town that I never knew about (girl friends/work friends) who all started at the same time. My wife has been so secretive and does not communicate with me, so I have no alternative but to think now that something may be going on. 

My wife wants to go to a little get together with these work friends that I just learned of yesterday...for the first time. I didn't know they existed, I have no clue who they are...good people or bad influence....so now I am suspicious. 

I would suggest you be open and honest with your husband and communicate as much as possible. Don't hind things because they feed the "cheating" fear.

Now can you tell me, what does it mean when a wife says I need some space. You just need to back off, so that I can figure out if I still love you (after 21yrs mind you)?


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## RP49D22 (Dec 7, 2011)

lovemybabies said:


> Hi All,
> 
> Just a quick question, for those of you on here considering seperation/divorce...does your spouse see a problem or do they think everything is fine...status quo?
> 
> ...


As a husband who just realized that he has controlling behaviors, I can say that your husband just might not see it yet. It took me a long time to realize there was a problem. Be open an honest with him and communicate as best you can.


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## lovemybabies (Oct 4, 2011)

I have brought it up many times over 11 years. Even got to a point over the summer that I blew up and said enough was enough and we tried a trial seperation for a month, we had to go back to the same house because his shift work etc and it hasn't been discussed since. He thinks all is fine. AND i just found that he's looking at porn and potential chat sites. I can't be bothered bringing it up again, what's the point.


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

I wouldn't say fine but she doesn't know I know what she has done. We argue anyway without the cheating being out in the open but 
she says the other day we should take a trip to california next year and I was thinking sh'yeah! Not likely! But said yeah I've never been
so she is in the dark for the moment but won't be for long.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RP49D22 (Dec 7, 2011)

lovemybabies said:


> I have brought it up many times over 11 years. Even got to a point over the summer that I blew up and said enough was enough and we tried a trial seperation for a month, we had to go back to the same house because his shift work etc and it hasn't been discussed since. He thinks all is fine. AND i just found that he's looking at porn and potential chat sites. I can't be bothered bringing it up again, what's the point.


I think you should calmly confront him, otherwise it will fester and boil up and over. My wife let a lot of thing fester and it seems to become a self fulfilling prophecy. Confront him! If he's looking at porn its probably because he is not getting enough sex....BUT sounds like he needs to fix his problems before you will find him attractive emotionally and physically and I don't blame you.

I think you should call him out on it and ask him why he would be putting the energy into porn and chat, when he could put it into making his marriage better.


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## firetiger (Nov 9, 2011)

Hmm well my husband backed me from my friends that we knew from high school and told me to never talked to them again. And in a way it gets annoying when everytime he has to throw in my face that i might have somebody else...


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## RP49D22 (Dec 7, 2011)

firetiger said:


> Hmm well my husband backed me from my friends that we knew from high school and told me to never talked to them again. And in a way it gets annoying when everytime he has to throw in my face that i might have somebody else...


It's possible that he feels insecure with himself, fears losing you, and wants to prevent you from talking to anyone who might be able to take you aware from him. 

Do you do little things to compliment him, make him feel reassured that you love him? It always helps to be a little affectionate....a hug, a kiss, an "I love you".

Do you think he has self esteem issues? Is he controlling?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I have to say that I also "brought things up" many times, and it seemed to fall on deaf ears.

However, eventually the light bulb went off and when he was ready to talk.. it came out and now there is an attitude that we must work it out, whatever that takes.

I puzzled about this for a long time. I was convinced I wasn't communicating correctly. I tried several methods. 

The only thing I really did that I think helped was a version of the 180

I stopped talking about the relationship.

I got busy with my own life. At least twice a week I went out with friends and he was blindsided because I wasn't home. Didn't hide my whereabouts. Nothing funny going on.

I completely stopped making advances.

I said NO when he finally got the urge to ask for sex.

I only hugged him when he hugged me first, and it was a weaky one at that.

I stopped calling him. At all. Not once during the day.

He has since said to me that when I stopped being physical and said NO to him, that was his first clue that he was going to watch me walk me out the door. He said in his mind... as long as we were having sex and being "touchy", things were okay. 

I'm not sure if everyone has their "catch" point or not. But I know sometimes talking just doesn't cause an effect. There has to be some consequences to it, if it's so important to you that you are willing to leave the relationship, you need to find it or leave.

I wish you luck !


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## RP49D22 (Dec 7, 2011)

deejov said:


> I have to say that I also "brought things up" many times, and it seemed to fall on deaf ears.
> 
> However, eventually the light bulb went off and when he was ready to talk.. it came out and now there is an attitude that we must work it out, whatever that takes.
> 
> ...


Being a husband on the flip side of this....I was blindsided and that's when I realized I was being controlling. It's been 3 weeks and I've done a complete turn, but it's going to take a lot longer. Hopefully for me it's not too little too late. So I agree with you and experienced what your husband did.


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## needtobehappy (Dec 6, 2011)

RP49D22 said:


> As a husband going through potential separation issues, I have a little perspective I suppose. Maybe we can help each other here.
> 
> I recognize the issues, I have been controlling and never saw it for years...don't know why, the light bulb just didn't go on. Finally three weeks ago when my wife said it again, I happen to read some articles and realized that I have a behavior that needs to be changed. I have been diligent for 3 weeks, while she's asked for space.
> 
> ...


I'm on the other side. My husband and I have been separated for two months now after 21yrs too. He said he finally realized how crappy he has treated me and how bad it really was. Yet, this is not the first time we have been apart. I kept telling him that I was miserable and can't stand the way he was treating me. He told me that he knew I was miserable, but was going threw his own thing and didn't know what to do or even care. I told him that he killed any feelings that I had left for him. So it took me leaving him to finally realize it. I feel it's a little to late.... Plus he was ignoring out 3 year old son too and that REALLY pissed me off....So Is that a bad way of thinking about it, It's a little too late??? Someone on here said "Just because two people love each other, doesn't mean that they are ment for each other". 

Does she say to you that she misses you and still cares for you, but just needs some time?


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## firetiger (Nov 9, 2011)

Yes all the time, i don't know why he is like that, and i am starting to get fed up with him bringing it everytime we argue


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## firetiger (Nov 9, 2011)

Yes i do feel he is controlling because he doesn't want to visit my family and most of the time we only visit his. I don't mind but it would be kind of nice to go visit my family on a weekend even if it's just for a little bit. I don't know what made him change so bad, we went to college together but then when i had to go to a university that is when he started changing with me because he wasnt so happy about it. He wants to know everytime i get out of class, when i arrive, when i'm changing classes, and i don't mind but i wish he could trust me since i don't expect him to text me when he is at work or when he goes out to lunch. I have talked to him but no change...


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## allthegoodnamesaregone (Nov 18, 2011)

RP49D22 said:


> Being a husband on the flip side of this....I was blindsided and that's when I realized I was being controlling. It's been 3 weeks and I've done a complete turn, but it's going to take a lot longer. Hopefully for me it's not too little too late. So I agree with you and experienced what your husband did.



The "Controlling" thing often comes before "the speech". It's been mentioned here hundreds of times, Controlling- Need's Space - Speech = they've already got someone else.


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## Sweet Equity (Oct 14, 2011)

My husband doesn't see that he has any problems at all. He is very quick to play the victim but doesn't realize that he's actually the perpetrator in most of our conflicts. We have separated before and he still thinks everything's my fault. I admit, I have done a lot of harm to our relationship but I am and have owned up to it and made changes but he hasn't made any changes and I am starting to doubt that he ever will.


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## firetiger (Nov 9, 2011)

I am starting to feel the same way about my husband, i don't think he will ever change.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

My WH doesn't think we have any problems, really, except that by requesting that he stop his psychologically abusive behavior and serial cheating which he believes is treatment I actually deserve for my flaws and weaknesses, I am draining all the joy from his life. 

He doesn't seem to understand that he's being an abusive cheat and I never seem to understand that I'm being a co-dependent enabler. 

I thought we could work it out, but when he blame-shifts and gas-lights, and really and truly seems to believe that his behavior is acceptable and that I'm the baddie for objecting, what is there left to salvage? Wish it wasn't so, but...that's life.


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## Zzyzx (Aug 24, 2011)

My ex lived in la-la land: everything was fine, if there were any problems, they were always all my fault. If anyone had to go to counseling, it was me, I was the one with the problem. Any opinion I had that was different from hers went in one ear and out the other. So I walked. And stunned the living crap out of her when I did that. I found it hard to believe she never saw it coming, heck all the signs were there staring her in the face as to my distancing myself from her over the last several months of living together. She did finally go to MC with me with some IC on her own, trying to acknowledge her responsibility but by then I was so totally burned out on her that I had no love left at all. A real lesson in learning just how thick some people's skulls are.


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## kissjo (Dec 8, 2011)

I am the one considering separation at this point because I just cannot handle my husbands immature behaviour and his inability to help with ANYTHING (household duties, cooking, financial support, life in general, caring for HIS son, etc). His life is consumed by whatever sporting event is on TV or whatever news event is occurring. He is miserable and couldn't see problems with us unless it was being spoken about on the 6 o'clock news. It is infuriating! I have been considering separation because I don't want to raise another child - I am already a more responsible parent to his son than he is, and personally, I don't want a grown ass child.


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## TooNiceDave (Dec 19, 2011)

I don't think my wife realizes how serious the situation is now. 

I am seriously considering (even planning) to leave her. She has far too much contact with old boyfriends. They will not give her a second thought in term of marrying her but she can't stop pursuing them.

This is sad after 20 years but she has no reason to continue pursuing those that discounted her. 

She is not worth staying with because obviously she does not think I am worth giving up contact with these other men. 

I think her future may be more difficult than she could ever comprehend.


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## firetiger (Nov 9, 2011)

I feel the same my husband won't help out with anything, and this semester i ended up staying at home, which i have come to realize that i don't like it at all. Now i'm taking care of my daughter so i'm able to move around more freely because i take her with me. Last time we went to the store and we saw one of my ex boyfriend from like 8 years ago i turned the other way so that i don't say hi because i know how my husband is. And sure enough he rubbed it in my face when he tried to grab my daughter because she was asleep and tried to kiss me but my all of my hair was in my face. So he then asked if i didn't want to kiss him because we just saw my exbf and if i didnt wanted him to see me? Oh gosh i could not believed he had just asked me. I was really hurt because deep down i know that he is never going to change and for some reason never let of the past and always try to control who i talk to...even it it's family which really depresses me...


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## hbgirl (Feb 15, 2011)

My husband continually makes me AWARE of all my problems but I really don't think he has any idea leaving him has now become a part of my thoughts  I'm sure he feels like I'm too weak to do anything about how he treats me.


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## firetiger (Nov 9, 2011)

I know, i can't leave him neither, it's hard because we have a 4 year old daughter and he adores him too. But i'm just not happy anymore, i look forward to being on my time of the month so that we don't have to do anything. I guess because of how many things he has said to me i don't even want to have sex no more. What's the use of him apologizing and then messing up again?


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## insomnia255 (Dec 4, 2011)

i was a work alholic and when stressed you could say was verbally abusive to my wife (just being mean), she said that i had a problem and that i needed counselling. i didnt think i had a problem then 4 weeks ago she went to her sisters and wanted some time to apart. 

The moment she left was the time i realised what a jerk i have been, not supporting her emotionally, hurting her feelings, just working and working 24/7. I then went to a MC and have been having 2 sessions a week now. i feel that i am improving my beahaviour and am becoming a better person. my wife asked me to contact her in the new year and to break all contact untill then so she can have some space. However i dont know if it is too late to win her back. i suppose all the hurt i have been giving her maybe have killed what little love she had for me. 

But sometimes your partner is blind and only when an incident occurs do you come to reliase what or how you have been acting towards a person.


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## firetiger (Nov 9, 2011)

I have thought of that too, going to my parents house and be apart for a while so it can hit him (i hope) but i think he will only tell me that it is because i have somebody else, but i guess if it does, then maybe i will do right because he might never change...but i don't know until i do that.
I do hope all the best for you, but if my husband asked me to come back i don't think i would, maybe that is what i'm scared off that once i leave him, i am not going to come back to him...


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

My husband will verbally acknowledge we have problems when I bring them up and talk about getting help and changing, but he is all talk and no action. Or he will "try" to do things for a week or so, and then go right back to where we were before. He doesn't seem to see that it takes work and time. He seems to think if he ignores the problems, they will go away. I guess it worked with his kids.....although I wouldn't say they were a "problem". Just another thing that he didn't want to think about.


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## Madbunny (Aug 9, 2011)

My husband sees that there is a problem,yet says that the problem is mine.He believes that if I just go back to normal everything will be fine.I have been dealing with this for over 2 years now and it has affected every aspect of our marriage

.Just recently after him telling me to go ahead and leave at least 8 times,I told him that I am now seriously thinking about it.Now he is washing dishes and being a general ass about kitchen hygeine and freaks out if there is 1 dish in the sink. 

This from a man who sleeps in the livingroom and leaves his blanket and pillow on the couch and magazines and beer cans all over the coffee table.His thing is as he says that he is embarrassed for people to come in if there are dishes in the sink

.Everytime i point out something he always has a counter complaint or lays blame off on someone else.eg: ME "Could you please pick up the cans all over the table?"HIM "oh gee i see a sprite can in those they aren't all mine,and what about your stuff on the porch thats has been there for a week?"

In my world everything is my fault,I either deal with it and shut up or have WWIII everyday.I love this man but all of this and his constant negativity and put downs just suck the life out of me.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

My wife used to threaten divorce ever argument we had. I finally said if she mentioned it one more time I would take her up on it. She predictably did and I followed through and left for my sisters house. I wasn't even at the end of the street when she started calling crying about me breaking her heart and she would change. I stayed at my sisters either way and came home the next day. The only time i've ever done something like that. But that was a few years ago. She was a different woman for about two weeks doing all the things I wanted her to do. That slacked off and we are back to the start. Even recently she has started saying that if i want a wife that cooks and cleans I should find someone else because it's not who she is. I just stopped replying because that pretty much sums it up. Yet strangely I feel she will be shocked when I sit her down and tell her I'm taking up her offer for real this time.


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