# Long Term Confusion



## tired613 (Feb 10, 2009)

Hello: I have recently sperated from my wife of 25 years. we have a pretty stable marriage for 15+ years, of course you have your little up & downs mostly from money issues over the years. We have 2 children together Daughter 18 & Son 16, great kids no problems with them, we have been very blessed, thought you could use just a little background.

I have recently started to listen to myself and realized that I have not been happy for a very long time, over the years I have shoved those feelings aside so I could take care of my responsibilites. I am the kinda of person that normally lets things roll off his back to make sure my family is taken care of. I had the opportunity to revitalized my interests in motorcycles and it has allowed me alone time to think about my feelings. I finally decided that As I have gotten older and friends and coworkers have either died or diagnosed with Cancer it has made me realized that life is to short to be going through the motions when your heart is not there with you. I guess I couldn't hide it any more and my wife finally started to sense my feelings and got me to talk about it. In short, I explained to her that I loved and care for her but to be honest that I am not in-love with her. I told that I did not think it was fair to her and to me to be living like that and in the end she told me to go ahead and leave, which I have. We still talk and have friendly lunches and we are both still invloved with taking care of our kids.

I am sorry for rambling, but I would appreciate any discussion about my situation and will try to answer questions as truthfully as I can.


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## now_what (Sep 17, 2008)

Your post struck quite a chord with me. I have been married 30 years and 2 years ago my husband also revisited his interest in motorcycles and things went downhill from there. I had even suggested he get the bike as a form of stress relief from his job - but he just went crazy. He was ALWAYS gone on the bike, evenings after work, both days on the weekend. Then he started to act strange, being very distant, ignoring me, and thinking of nothing but "the bike" and the biker lifestyle. I would always ask him if something was wrong and could I help, but he said "no, the problem was his." I had told him I was not happy and wanted to work on the marriage, but he was never around to do so. Finally, five months ago, he sent me an email while I was at work and moved out of the house to shack up with a biker chick he had known for two months. He said he was just doing what I told him to do and that was to figure out what he wanted in life - which turned out to not be me. We are getting a dissolution - still not my choice - but there's not much I can do about it.

It just seems like such a waste after 30 + years together and three wonderful children (25, 23, 15) to end up like this. This was a time when I was looking forward to spending more time with him, since the kids are almost all grown. It just breaks my heart that he couldn't see a future together for us. I truly think that he is having a mid-life crisis and got scared of getting older and felt that some changes were necessary. If he had only tried share his feelings with me, I think we could have worked through this. 

I would hope that maybe you could try to not be thinking only of yourself at this point in your life - which is what my husband did. You are doing what you feel is best for you, but others have to deal with it too and it is hard. At least you are talking to your wife. My husband was afraid to talk to me until two weeks ago when we met at the lawyer's office. Up until that day he had only emailed me - he did see the kids though, it was just me he was afraid to talk to or see.

I'm sorry to be going on with my story, but there are a lot of similarities and I guess I'm just showing a little perspective from the other side. I would ask you to think back about your life with your wife when things were good - the person you fell in love with is still there. I think we all get busy over the years with raising a family that we do tend to grow apart a bit - or a lot even - our energies are more focused on the children and the relationship between husband and wife gets pushed to the side. I would recommend marriage counseling to help you sort through feelings - my husband refused to go and I think it would have helped. In hindsight, I see things that maybe I could have done too and I did try, but maybe I should have tried harder - but he did not try at all which didn't help.

I don't mean to be preachy, but PLEASE at least give your marriage a chance. Please consider the feeling's of your children. Even if they are pretty much grown it hurts them to see mom and dad breaking up. My younger daughter just could not understand why her dad would leave without even trying to work on the marriage. At least give it a try, there is always hope.


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## tired613 (Feb 10, 2009)

Thank you for your perspective. I am sorry for your situation and hope you the best.

I see the similarities and some differences and if you want to continue the discussion it would be appreciated.


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## tired613 (Feb 10, 2009)

By the way did your husband ever try to get to share his bike rides with you or did want to keep you out of it?


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## PENNY4URTHOUGHTS (Feb 6, 2009)

I understand. Why does this happen to so many of us? I commend you for following your heart and getting out. I wish I had the same courage. Been married 15 years this March - together 18 and out of love for 10.... and counting.


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## now_what (Sep 17, 2008)

No, he never asked me to come with him. It was just "his" thing. I had developed a few new interests too, and I always asked him to come with me but he rarely did. My interests involved music and Japanese culture - I started going to concerts and anime conventions with our younger daughter (she wanted to do these things and I found I enjoyed them too. In fact I would go to conventions with both of my daughters and my granddaughter (I am very family oriented). I think he felt my interests were "too young". He seemed to be stuck in the past. He bought a stereo for his motorcycle and I was surprised once to be at the grocery store and see him come tooling through the parking lot blaring Jerry Lee Lewis' "Great Balls of Fire". I asked him what he was doing and he said "just driving through the parking lot". The first question that came to mind was "why?" It was like he was showing off. Since we had both developed separate interests he came to the conclusion that we had nothing in common anymore. I don't feel that a couple has to share everything - I didn't really mind his motorcycle activities until they became an obsession. He went to a couple of bike weeks with his buddies and I didn't really care. I just wanted him to have a place somewhere in his life for me and it just wasn't there anymore. And I did suspect that he was seeing someone else - and I figured it would be a "biker" type woman. He was no longer interested in me sexually and some viagra was missing - so just put two and two together.


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## regrets (Feb 12, 2009)

I have been reading entries in this forum for quite a while but have never felt the need to register and respond until I read yours. I went through this EXACT SAME THING five years ago. I was 54 at the time. Kids were finally out of the house and on their own. I bought a motorcycle - hadn't riden in years. Felt it was my time.

Spent every possible waking moment riding...feeling the freedom. I realized I felt trapped at home. (I had been married for 27 years at that point.) I started looking at my wife in an entirely different way. Every little thing she did or said started eating at me. I knew I no longer loved her the same way I had in the past. 

Just to get out of the house, I got very active with a large group of riders. Went on every planned event with them. Realized this was the life for me...away from my marriage and with people who understood how I felt. I ended up moving out of the house. My wife was completely shocked. I hadn't told her how I felt and she never saw it coming.

For six months, I was finally happy and living the life I enjoyed. No hassles, no major responsibilities; you get the picture. Then she shocked me. She hired a lawyer; said she was done waiting for me to "find myself". She divorced me.

It's been five years since then and after all that time, I realized what I was looking for had been right in front of me (and by my side) all along. I miss my wife each and every moment of the day. I now feel the pain she must have gone through. My children are estranged from me. When my daughter got married, I was invited to the wedding but I was not asked to walk her down the aisle. My ex and the kids still live in the same town I do. She's remarried and very happy. I see them all quite frequently and mourn their loss.

My friends are also starting to pass away. Instead of thinking "life's too short", as you are now, I realize they have family and friends by their side, holding their hands and helping them. I realize I will not be so fortunate when my time comes.

In reviewing where I went wrong, I realize I listened to a group of "riding buddies" who didn't care as much about me as the rides we took together. They were just that, "riding buddies". Right now, when I could use a good conversation, etc., they are nowhere to be found, unless, of course, it's riding weather. I look at them and realize they are just as lonely and miserable as I am.

I also realize that I blamed my changes on my wife. I thought she was the one that was changing when, in fact, it was me. She was still the same person I married, the one person I could count on. No wonder she was able to find someone else so easily. 

I tell you all this because I was too stupid to save my own marriage and life, but I thought I could help you save yours.

I ignored people who told me to get help, work on my marriage. But, they were right. In retrospect, they knew that once my wife and I separated and I didn't get help, she would move on with her life and I would never see that true happiness again. 

I dont' share holidays with my children, their spouses and kids...I'm not invited. I gave up caring for them; they've now returned the favor.

I'm telling you, if there is the slightest amount of concern for your wife and family, run - don't walk - back home. Once she starts reaching out to others for help, it will be too late.

I'll be thinking about you and hope my words help in some way.


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## now_what (Sep 17, 2008)

Dear Regrets:
I feel your pain and loneliness. I hope tired613 will listen to you and try to save his marriage. Would you want to call my husband and talk some sense into him? Only joking, but your story sounds very similar to his story - only he left me for his dream woman biker chick and is divorcing me. All this has left our younger daughter confused and the older children thinking I am better off without him. What hurts the most is that he didn't even want to try to fix things - he apparently has found true love.

At least you have seen the error of your ways - he still thinks he is on the correct path for his life. Whatever.

now_what


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## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

Tired613:

I can relate to what you're saying, My children (son and daughter), are 16 & 18 and my wife and I were married for 21 years. Even though we went through alot of counseling (for various reasons), it didn't work out betwen us and we ended up separating. Unfortunately, there are many issues that have been unresolved and we are on the verge of getting a divorce. 

I agree with everyone else that suggests counseling, because it may work well and save your relationship. It's certainly worth trying; In this way, you'll at least know you did everything to make it work. If it doesn't work out, at least continue to remain active in your kids lives, even though they're older.

I'm just as active with my kids after the separation as I was before. FYI -My wife is active with them as well and homeschools them.

I wish you the best and hope everything goes well.


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## regrets (Feb 12, 2009)

PENNY4URTHOUGHTS said:


> I understand. Why does this happen to so many of us? I commend you for following your heart and getting out. I wish I had the same courage. Been married 15 years this March - together 18 and out of love for 10.... and counting.


PENNY4URTHOUGHTS: Have you considered talking with your spouse? Perhaps if you would you would have some relief and he/she might be able to work with you on getting things back on track.


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## tired613 (Feb 10, 2009)

Thank you everyone for posting your thoughts. To "regrets", the big difference that I see is that none of my riding friends have every suggested anything regarding my marriage, they have only asked were is your wife and I had to reply at home. In the past I have tried very hard to get her to be part of my time while I'm out, even to the point to modify the bike to maek it more comfortable for her for just a couple of hours of sharing, but ususally I would get no not today. My questioning myself about marriage begun long before I ever started riding again. The solitude of riding just gave me so much time to think about it. Over the years I have tried other things like snow skiing and I even tried paintball just to get her out and let her have some fun and share adventures beside sitting on the couch. 

I read several posts on this website and others and it seams that you see more about "Don't be so selfish" than not. Which I personnally feel that is why I didn't allow this to happen in the past, becuase I had responsibilites and I had to put myself last on the list. 

Sorry for the long post


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## tired613 (Feb 10, 2009)

To Now What

I agree with you that couples do not have to share everything, but they should atleast share some of the others interests, if for nothing else to keep the conversation going and you never know the other person might start to like it.

One thing that I have realized since that I have been in my own place, that I'm not looking for reasons not to be there, I'm not sure what this is telling me, but I have a good idea. Don't get me wrong I miss seeing my children, but atleast we are texting each other and I am taking my son to school every morning and going out to dinner when we can.

I have been cosidering counseling, but I wanted some more time to better understand my feelings about this situation before I go and try to talk to a stranger about it. That is one of the reasons I started using this site.

Thanks again for the conversation.


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## tired613 (Feb 10, 2009)

Malibu17, if you don't mind sharing what kind of issues have you not been able to resolve?


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## regrets (Feb 12, 2009)

tired613 said:


> Thank you everyone for posting your thoughts. To "regrets", the big difference that I see is that none of my riding friends have every suggested anything regarding my marriage, they have only asked were is your wife and I had to reply at home. In the past I have tried very hard to get her to be part of my time while I'm out, even to the point to modify the bike to maek it more comfortable for her for just a couple of hours of sharing, but ususally I would get no not today. My questioning myself about marriage begun long before I ever started riding again. The solitude of riding just gave me so much time to think about it. Over the years I have tried other things like snow skiing and I even tried paintball just to get her out and let her have some fun and share adventures beside sitting on the couch.
> 
> I read several posts on this website and others and it seams that you see more about "Don't be so selfish" than not. Which I personnally feel that is why I didn't allow this to happen in the past, becuase I had responsibilites and I had to put myself last on the list.
> 
> Sorry for the long post


Did you ever do things she asked you to do as far as the activities she was interested in? I can't believe she lived her days on the couch.


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## regrets (Feb 12, 2009)

Did you ever do things she asked you to do as far as the activities she was interested in? I can't believe she lived her days on the couch without having outside interests. Perhaps she's not a sports fanatic? What did the two of you do together in the past? What changed? Think about all these things before you throw it all away.


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## now_what (Sep 17, 2008)

To tired613:

My husband and I did have lots of things in common until the only thing he thought of was being "out on the bike". We enjoyed traveling, going to concerts, going out to eat, going the the kids sports and school events. He has always tended to go overboard with things - like when he took up the guitar, he bought 10 different ones and printed out probably a couple thousand pages of sheet music. I have always encouraged and supported his activities and tried to be interested. He just didn't want me to be around when he was doing his biker thing. I guess I shouldn't have told you to stop thinking of only yourself without knowing your situation. My husband was only thinking of himself - he was virtually ignoring his entire family. It's funny he talks to and sees the kids more than when he was at home. That's pretty sad actually. My older kids think I am better off without him - he pretty much checked out of the marriage over the past year, always ignoring me, being rude, always being gone. And the way that he left me pretty much sucked - as I said he sent me an email and moved out while I was at work. We were supposed to go out to dinner that night and I had been looking forward to it. He had no intention of going out with me - he knew all along that he was sneaking out of the house, leaving me to tell our children what he had done. I told him that I saw the time of our hearing posted online and he said yeah that was weird seeing that and I'm thinking yeah, it is weird and it's your fault. He said the hearing was just to protect me and our daughter. My response was that I shouldn't need to be protected from my husband and our daughter shouldn't need to be protected from her dad - I know he just means financially, but still he should be at home with me and our daughter. It makes me feel so sad to go to my daughter's school events and see couples together and I can't help but think it just wasn't enough for you to be with your wife and daughter - you were only thinking of yourself and living what I call "the pretend" biker lifestyle. He could have at least tried to work through any issues we may have had, instead of moving in with some biker chick and sneaking out of the house.


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## lost-in-life (Feb 14, 2009)

why contemplate counseling? just do it! seems there are a lot of excuses in your post. sharing on this forum is great, but we all have just "our side" of things to share. a counselor sees things neutrally. we don't know you, but neither does a counselor. the more time you spend coming up with excuses and not doing something about your marriage, the more time you waste and lose everything you've got. i realize you probably won't take my advise or even respond to me, but since you're on this sight, you must care about your marriage in some way...so, do something about it. talking on line, waiting days for responses, never having the right questions asked of you gets you nowhere. GET HELP, in person, often!!!!


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