# How many of you were jealous/suspicious people



## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

Just curious, how many of you were jealous/suspicious people before there was any EA/PA/OM/OW introduced into your relationship?

Asking because I was never a jealous person. I would say I was very confident, and wouldn't have noticed red flags (if there had been any) because I thought I was special. So years and years later when I found out, it was a huge slap in the face. But for people who were suspicious without or before 'cause', was it easier to handle?


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## Aquila audax (Aug 9, 2011)

I have never been a jealous person. I have always been an open and honest person and never felt the need to check up on my wife. My wife on the other hand has always been jealous as all hell, snooping at every opportunity she could even though I never had anything to hide. Of course, it was her that had the affair(s).


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## frazaled (Jan 20, 2012)

just like you Vanton68 i was never a jealous or suspicious person i knew of at least 5 of my friends or associates that wanted to sleep with my hubby but like you i thought our marriage was so special that would never happen to us ...well how wrong could i be.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I was neither, It was only when my W unhealthy behavior that snowballed into a dangerous life style, is when I needed to take the steps to confront her.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Aquila audax said:


> I have never been a jealous person. I have always been an open and honest person and never felt the need to check up on my wife. My wife on the other hand has always been jealous as all hell, snooping at every opportunity she could even though I never had anything to hide. Of course, it was her that had the affair(s).


She was like that BECAUSE she was dishonest. She thought if SHE was a turd, then you were one too. Projection.


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## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

I was never jealous or suspicious of my husband. I trusted him more than I've ever trusted anyone in my life. I thought he had so much integrity. He was always jealous and suspicious of me. He questioned me and always asked me tons of questions. It's so ironic that he cheated on me! I am still heart broken. I can't believe that he would hurt me in this way. I feel like I have a dagger in my heart. So much for trust. I hate feeling like this, but I am suspicious all the time. He had a business lunch today and I even "smelled" his clothes to see if I picked up on anything. I check his "girlfriend's" facebook 5 times a day just to see what she is doing. They had a 10 day affair with 2 sexual encounters. I hate feeling this way. Not sure how to overcome it.


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

I was a little jealous, but I never thought she would cheat. She had little or no boundaries with the opposite sex and it always bugged me because once I became a married man I let all my female friends drift away and stopped putting myself in tempting situations. Her views on this was always different. I should trust her. I did trust her but it always bugged me.


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## LaxUF (Feb 13, 2012)

I am very fascinated by this topic because my sister was VERY jealous and controlling of her husband before he had an affair. 

She is very much a type A personality - not that there is anything wrong with that. I'm just saying it might have exacerbated matters at little (keep reading). Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my sister very very much and hate that her worst fears came true but it's almost like she willed her imagination into reality... regardless it's no excuse for cheating. 

She never cheated on him and as far as I could tell her never gave her a reason to think he would cheat on her either... At least when I asked her if she thought he was cheating she would just say, "It wouldn't surprise me". I never understood why she would say that & she never had a logical explanation. I asked her if she had ever caught him flirting, texting or emailing anyone and she said she hadn't but it didn't stop her from acting like he was.

My BIL always came straight home from work, picked up the kids, made dinner, did the dishes, bathed & put them to bed. Never went anywhere without her - they even went grocery shopping together on the weekends. I even asked her once when she thought he would have time to cheat on her or energy. She wasn't really happy with me for saying that so I learned to just listen.

Apparently he eventually found the time & energy because one day she told him that she wished he would cheat on her (to give her a good reason for a divorce) and ironically a few days later she found an email from a woman... Naturally she totally blew a gasket! 

She threw him out immediately but then asked him to come back two days later and he did. Our mom was NOT happy... I'm still not sure what that was all about because I told her I was going to keep my distance unless she needed me but she hasn't brought it up since he came home. 

I have been a little worried because she is acting totally normal, its like nothing ever happened... At first I thought it was just to make the kids see that everything is ok but it's not... The only difference I can see is that she is now doting on him in front our of family and especially in front of their friends and work colleagues... He seems the same, maybe a little more quiet around my mom than usual but he is also acting like nothing happened. It's like watching a live version of Pleasantville.

Sorry for going off on a tangent but I thought it was important to put all the pre & post affair behaviour together in case anyone else has had the same experience.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Nope never jealous. Always trusted.

I'm different now.. "trust but verify".


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Before DDay I would say I was normal as far as jealousy and suspicion goes. Now? I am freak. I am sure he is doing 90 year old across the street and I work hard every day to prove it.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Myself was not jealous or suspicious.
Was normal as many here, but after D day, I am pained. Still on the road to recovery....


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm still thinking about this question, and in my case I never really cared about my marriage or my wife....it answers alot of questions on my end. Maybe if I was a little more jealous and gave just one second to be suspicious, thing may have been different way back when it all started.

Is there some sort of degree that having a small amount of these traits my be a sign of caring? Not that it matters, even the perfect marriage can have infidelity.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

I have always been a pretty jealous person, I have no clue why, I try to constantly work on myself to change that. I think maybe it's because I grew up with 2 parents that never went anywhere without the other, they never went out or anything, they never fought in front of me and my brother, I had no idea that they ever fought up until a few years ago and I"m 28!!! So whenever me and my H would argue or fight I looked so much more into it than I needed to. 

Another factor is that I barely knew my H before we became parents, he wasn't somebody at that time that I would have necessarily saw as the settling down type, so that factor came into play as well....He also did a few things at that time to "rebel" against the relationship in a way, like hanging out with his girl friends, I had spies though so I knew nothing ever happened between them haha, but still he was ditching me sitting at home alone and pregnant to hang out with these people.....

Being that way did not change the slap in the face the EA was for me....I think I was able to handle it better because I guess I expected it (he had a habit of making female friends in the past so that's where that came from)...but it still hurt like none other....


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## borderline (Feb 16, 2012)

I was never a very jealous person, always feeling that I couldn't control what my partner did and would just deal with it if they did something to betray me. I am naturally suspicious I suppose from my line of work so caught on early that something was going on but I never requested no guy friends.

I am even more suspicious and cynical now though I still don't know if I would say jealous in the purist sense of the word. I am jealous (or envious) of the good times W and OM were having while me and OMW were at home tending to our families and trying to make a marriage work that neither of them seemed to care about.


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## Confused_and_bitter (Aug 6, 2011)

When we were first married I was really jealous and insecure. As the years went on I worked on my jealousy issues and insecurity to the point where they were no longer an issue. I trusted him with everything and would always brag about how although we were apart for the majority of the week, our relationship was strong because we had plenty of communication and trust.

Boy, was I wrong! I now feel like I should have kept my guard up so that the pain of infidelity wouldn't have hit so hard. I watch over everything and I feel like a babysitter. :/


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I was and have been a suspicious and tad bit jealous. I am not sure why but it translated into me thinking I was just having issues and reading to much into what H was up to and then I started trying to tell him how uncomfortable I am with his coworker and then it all came to a head. He had an EA and now I am worse then ever. Sometimes wish I had been complelty blindsided. Would feel a little less like an idiot because I watched it unfold like a sports event and yet it was still a shock when the text message woke me up and there is a picture of her parts and ugh..........


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I was not really jealous, I did have issues when he talked to his ex wife a little too much ( he said was about kids, which were her step kids), because he had said they married being more good friends than actual love relationship (even though they were married 10 years), so I worried they were being better friends now that they were being divorced. 

It took him a few months ago, to make the comment "once a cheater always a cheater", ( he was talking to my daughter, and said it jokingly),, but it gave me that "gut feeling" so I searched our cell phone records and BAM!,, there were all the calls to 2 other women that he said were "just friends"....so now I have no trust with him at all.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I certainly was jealous/suspicious....in the beginning, only because I had trust issues left over from my previous marriage where my first wife cheated on me. But I got over that in the fist year or two and became the very trusting husband. In fact, I was quite proud of her and thought she would never do me like my ex-wife did. I had either forgotten, or repressed the memories of any red flags. So much so, that I missed them this time around.


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

Was never jealous, but was very protective. Now, I could give 2 ****s.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Vanton68 said:


> Just curious, how many of you were jealous/suspicious people before there was any EA/PA/OM/OW introduced into your relationship?
> 
> Asking because I was never a jealous person. I would say I was very confident, and wouldn't have noticed red flags (if there had been any) because I thought I was special. So years and years later when I found out, it was a huge slap in the face. But for people who were suspicious without or before 'cause', was it easier to handle?


I can relate to this 100%. I was never a jealous person nor paranoid. Never ever ever thought he would cheat. NEVER. Especially since he was always saying how wrong cheating was and constantly brought up how bad it is. He was always very jealous/paranoid/and accusatory toward me, even if I spoke to the postman. If I even thanked a server at a restaurant (male) he would accuse me of flirting. 

So when I found out what he did, I was completely floored. the thing that is always so baffling to me is that I never ever ever suspected. That is why it was so crazy to me. Some people suspect, and they are right on the money, but I never had that experience. If he never would have told me, I prob wouldn't know to this day.


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I can relate to this 100%. I was never a jealous person nor paranoid. Never ever ever thought he would cheat. NEVER. Especially since he was always saying how wrong cheating was and constantly brought up how bad it is. He was always very jealous/paranoid/and accusatory toward me, even if I spoke to the postman. If I even thanked a server at a restaurant (male) he would accuse me of flirting.
> 
> So when I found out what he did, I was completely floored. the thing that is always so baffling to me is that I never ever ever suspected. That is why it was so crazy to me. Some people suspect, and they are right on the money, but I never had that experience. If he never would have told me, I prob wouldn't know to this day.



That was the thing that caught me as well. I never expected it. Sometimes you just know the kind of person you have on your hands, so you could have that "I saw it coming" moment. Not with this one, that's what happens when you put the pu$$y on a pedestal.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I see a common theme shared by a lot of us here, the unfaithful spouse the very jealous spouse.

Same here, ex-wife was very jealous woman. Perhaps we should add jealousy as a red flag for detecting a possible cheater in any future relationship.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

morituri said:


> I see a common theme shared by a lot of us here, the unfaithful spouse the very jealous spouse.
> 
> Same here, ex-wife was very jealous woman. Perhaps we should add jealousy as a red flag for detecting a possible cheater in any future relationship.


Not necessarily, my H is not jealous at all, EVER. He is everything that is opposite of jealous..I was the one with jealousy issues....I think it's different in every situation....


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

GreenEyes said:


> Not necessarily, my H is not jealous at all, EVER. He is everything that is opposite of jealous..I was the one with jealousy issues....I think it's different in every situation....


Very true but keep in mind that a jealous person is an insecure person and cheaters are, for the most part, insecure people who often cheat for outside validation of their fragile egos.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

morituri said:


> Very true but keep in mind that a jealous person is an insecure person and cheaters are, for the most part, insecure people who often cheat for outside validation of their fragile egos.


True, there's no doubt that jealous people may tend to cheat more often, I agree, but if jealousy sent up red flags there would have been red flags all over the place with me and I never cheated. I'm not an insecure person, I mean sure I have insecurities like everyone, but I also think I'm a very good looking person  Mine stemmed more from not really knowing my H when we became parents together...Even though he had an EA, things are much better in the jealousy department with me now...

**Edit to add: I suppose a lot of it had to do with growing up and maturing too, we were practically kids when we moved in together after I had our daughter, there were a lot of obstacles to overcome there


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

In a past life, I was a cheater. I am no longer that person, but as a result of having once been, I must confess to being more suspicious than I probably would be without the cheater's background. I've also been the cheatee, so have lived on both sides of the fence.

I'm always on the lookout for any red flags. I feel like I could probably recognize these quickly and easily, since I've been through it myself before, both ways! 

Red flags have come up with H, they've been investigated, and dismissed, thankfully. But really? It's a shiitty way to live...

As for jealousy and insecurity, not so much. I don't find myself jealous of other women as a rule, and I feel secure with myself. Suspicions for me, are independant of jealousy and insecurity.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

morituri said:


> Very true but keep in mind that a jealous person is an insecure person and cheaters are, for the most part, insecure people who often cheat for outside validation of their fragile egos.



This is said very well Morituri.. My H was always the one to be accusing of me ( in his way, jokingly).........when the whole time was carrying on conversations with other women.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> I've also been the cheatee


I thought the term for women is cheetas and for men cheetos.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I was, because my first husband also cheated. In that relationship I was less jealous than in this one.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

I clearly wasn't suspicious enough!


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

I was never jealous although my husband has always had female friends since the first day I met him. There have been red flags and fights between us in the past about other women. When he pulled his lastest stunt he told me that it should not come as a surprise to me while also saying he wasn't cheating. Looking back over the years I believe that he has probably cheated off and on during our 20 year marriage. 
I don't think being jealous would be a rewarding relationship for me. I really don't want a husband that I have to investigate all the time. I'm not looking for a realtionship that constantly has me filled with doubt and having to investigate.


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## Confused_and_bitter (Aug 6, 2011)

morituri said:


> I thought the term for women is cheetas and for men cheetos.


LOL!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I was not a jealous or insecure person either (and I'm still not).

I trusted everyone because I believed that people would behave themselves as they should. So that meant that I never had a problem encouraging a female friend to call my husband if she were interested in applying for a job at his employer. 

But then I started to notice all these female so called friends would ONLY make themselves available when I said my husband was coming. IF they called the house and my husband answered, the phone never got passed to me.

On one occasion as I was finalizing a weekend trip to which I had invited a female friend, she "returned" the e-mail by sending it to my husband. What I found interesting about that is that while I found a few women who agreed with me that there was something wrong with that, there were still a few women who couldn't see what the problem was, mostly single women. No wonder I got branded as jealous and insecure.

These days I know my worth and I can walk. Which is why with my current guy when I suggested that he and I could downshift our relationship to "just friends" so that he continue being "just friends" with his fly by night "ex", he unhesitatingly cut the cords with his friend. 

Just like the Cold War coming to an end, Co-Existence really doesn't work.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I was never jealous. I was never suspicious. I WAS clueless however. That all changed on D-day. We all change on D-day.


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## me2pointoh (Jan 31, 2012)

I was never jealous or suspicious. We were best friends. I knew women found him attractive but it didn't phase me at all. He is such a laid back, easygoing, funny and friendly guy, and definitely not the suspicious type. I knew OW found him attractive, too, and it didn't phase me. I knew they were friends on FB and that they sent messages, but he had always been open about them, and I thought they were all mundane, business messages. We were having problems that didn't get worked on in the months up to Dday, and as my admiration of him went down, he sought out OW's admiration, which she willingly gave.

Suspicious now much? Well, I can now claim that I've staked out my own husband.


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## Snowflake (Feb 19, 2012)

Before no not really ,jealous also no not really .Now very much so 
wished I could get over it ...


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## NatashaYurino (Jan 2, 2012)

I know what you mean. I was never the jealousy type of woman. In fact I never understood why some of my gir friends were so controlling of every move their bfs made. I was never like that. I was always very trusting of my SO and never had any problems with us speding time apart. I tought it was only normal that at times men want to hang around guys only and the same for women. It never crossed my mind that he was actually with other girls. And you are right, when I found out, it was a huge slap in the face.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

I wasn't jealous really, but I was too non-confrontational and I let things go on when my gut knew something was wrong. And yes, my (DS) WW is a jealous person.

Now though? She's realizes I'm a different person. The things I used to let go would (will) now result in some guy getting knocked out. 

And with respect to trust, I'm accepting that I will never fully trust her again. I mean how could you after so many years and so many lies? Not possible. I believe she can evolve though into a healthier person.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

NatashaYurino said:


> I know what you mean. I was never the jealousy type of woman. In fact I never understood why some of my gir friends were so controlling of every move their bfs made. I was never like that. I was always very trusting of my SO and never had any problems with us speding time apart. I tought it was only normal that at times men want to hang around guys only and the same for women. It never crossed my mind that he was actually with other girls. And you are right, when I found out, it was a huge slap in the face.


This was MY experience, too! I always thought people who were jealous/paranoid about their partners were.. WEIRD. :lol: In fact, my exH told me several times he wished I was MORE jealous. Then when he cheated and I was finally jealous, he didn't like that.

Riddle me that :scratchhead:


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Vanton68 said:


> Just curious, how many of you were jealous/suspicious people before there was any EA/PA/OM/OW introduced into your relationship?
> 
> Asking because I was never a jealous person. I would say I was very confident, and wouldn't have noticed red flags (if there had been any) because I thought I was special. So years and years later when I found out, it was a huge slap in the face. But for people who were suspicious without or before 'cause', was it easier to handle?


I am by nature a bit jealous and my husband has done things to make it worse here and there. oggling other women in front of me, comparing me to other girls and that kind of thing. But I never really thought he would actually have an EA. And I believe he is currently doing so with a coworker, though he vehimately denies it. Time will tell. So the answer is yes I was and no it didnt ease the blow.


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

lovestruckout said:


> I wasn't jealous really, but I was too non-confrontational and I let things go on when my gut knew something was wrong. And yes, my (DS) WW is a jealous person.
> 
> Now though? She's realizes I'm a different person. The things I used to let go would (will) now result in some guy getting knocked out.
> 
> And with respect to trust, I'm accepting that I will never fully trust her again. I mean how could you after so many years and so many lies? Not possible. I believe she can evolve though into a healthier person.


Besides an initial fit of anger, I am different. I can't hold it against another man to TRY to sleep with my wife. She is hot and guys try to talk, human nature. If a guy and my wife had an A, and he didn't know me, I place ALL of the blame on her (as long as he didn't try to get physical or mouthy with me). If he was my friend before, then that is where I could foresee me being out of control.

A good friend of mine returned from deployment to an empty house. Later that day a guy stopped by and hesitantly asked if my friends wife was there. At first he was PO but the guy didn't even know she was married. He apologized profusely, left, and returned with a case of beer so that they could talk. He told him everything. Now they are friends, my buddy threw her out and divorced. I don' know many men who would have had the patience and sense to handle that situation so well.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I think we need to define what jealous means.

IMO, you can be only be jealous when you want something that someone else has that was not yours to begin with. For example, to be jealous of someone else when they receive attention from someone you are interested in but there is no relationship.

When I feel that my partner is behaving inappropriately that is not being jealous. That is being concerned. And as this board and other boards evidence, when your partner gets tied up with someone outside of the relationship that can cause problems for you. Not just the end of the relationship; but also for the family that was created; one's financial security and also one's own personal security since some )Ws and OMs can be bunny boilers. 

When I am in a committed exclusive relationship, no one can call me "jealous" when I am considering the implications of one's actions and behaviors that will impact on the relationship that I have not only invested in but have been encouraged to do so.


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