# long distance relationship with problems



## foreign_exchange (Oct 16, 2008)

Hi, 
I am from Austria, 28 years old. I have been in a 1 year relationship with a girl from Denmark, she is 20 years old. In the past 12 months we managed to see each other pretty often - maybe 8 times, mostly around 7-10 days one visit was even 5 weeks).
However there is a tremendous lack of intimacy in the relationship, as during each visit, we have only had sex 1 to 2 times and mostly when she was drunk. Besides the rare sex, there is nothing else happening either.
Her background is that she had been cheated on by her ex-bf 2 years ago and now she has serious trust issues and a very hard time to open up to me. I have tried my best and all to make her feel comfortable and i was always understanding regarding her situation. As she tells me, she used to be totally different with her ex-bf and that she knows that it will come back to her. That hope is keeping me going. She says she loves me but that something is holding her back. I don't know what to do anymore? I am very frustrated - only being able to see her so little and then having every advance rejected at the very beginning. 
Recently, i went on a trip to Paris with a female friend of mine (who i used to have a crush on, but nothing ever happened) and i lied to my girlfriend about where i was going, cause i knew she wasn't going to approve of it. Since i knew nothing was going to happen, i went. She found out however. Nothing had happened at the trip, i just needed to get away from alot of frustration (have been without a job for over 6 months too). I know i messed up by going and i made a bad decision going with that friend and lying to my girl. But i didnt cheat on her... never have, despite all the frustration! But she says if my love is strong enough, then i would make it through this problem. 
I love her more than anything and i want it to work it out, but i am losing hope.
What should i do? Is there a future for the relationship (if the problem doesn't change)? Am I wrong if i succumb to the frustration?


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Why couldn't your gf go with you and not the girl you had a crush on? This doesn't make any sense to me. Why did this girl go with you in the first place? If she (gf) couldn't have gone with you at the time, wasn't there a buddy of yours that could have made the trip with you? No, dude, you wanted that girl to go with you, and what you really did on that trip we on here and your gf will probably never know. My guess she did more than hold your hand while you took a leak. If you want this girl to trust you, guy, don't do things that make you look like you had done the wild thing, and never keep things from her that makes you look like you had done so, even if you didn't do a thing.


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## Greatermindset (Oct 13, 2008)

When you're in a relationship, always come from a place of love and focus on what you can give, not what you can get.

Your girlfriend has been hurt in the past and she's in a place of fear. She's constantly wondering if she's enough or if she'll be loved. It's stopping her from giving you the love you desire.

If you truely love this woman, and want to enhance the relationship, give her every ounce of your heart and soul. Tell her all your love is only for her and she's got nothing to worry about it. Say it only if you mean it, cause she'll pick it up if it's BS.

She needs reassurance that you won't break her trust, and she will test you on it. There will also be times when there's nothing you can do so say that will make a difference. Don't get discouraged, the harder she comes at you, the harder you laugh it off. By laughing it off, it will show her that you won't run away and you're here to stay. Bring her in closer and show her how a REAL man will love her. Not someone who's weak and will run off with other women when things get uncomfortable.

Remember to love her with every ounce of your heart and soul. Love her like there is no other and you will see the REAL love she has for you.


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## foreign_exchange (Oct 16, 2008)

thank you for your responses.
@honey: i asked other friends of mine - noone had time to go. I just wanted to break out from all the frustration that was goin on in my life. You are right, no one will know what happened there - but i promise you, there was no physical contact and no flirting whatsoever. It wouldnt make any sense for me to lie here and expect honest answer that can actually help me. I have never cheated on my girlfriend - i dont do things to help that i dont want done to me! i know it might be hard to believe, but i know it is god's honest truth.
I kNow i messed up by lying to her - i regret it so much.

Even if we overcome my mistake, we still have the physical problem to handle.
It is so hard to deal with the feeling of being pushed away for me.
When we are apart...she doesnt even talk about sex. Anything sexual is always initiated by me. I have taken a step back a couple of times to take some pressure off her - but then nothing changed. 
She knows i love her. I let her feel that all the time. She said maybe i am too perfect...and she feels pressured to be perfect too. I think she is thinking too much about everything, and i am looking for a way to make her feel at ease so she can let go.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

long distance can really work for some ppl. but im rubbish. 
i think you know when things arent going n e where. judgin from your mail. you have very different needs and wants from eachother. unless you sincerely want to make changes for it to work. 
i had one LDR and it lasted a month and he only lived an hour away.
but i was 14 at the time. stil i realised as young as then, i wasnt that type of person to deal with LDR. not my nature.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

we moved across the country 7 years ago and my husband had to leave 6 months early while I stayed behind to sell the house & it was difficult. I flew out to see him periodically but while he was more than ready for sex, I had a hard time with it because I wasn't feeling emotionally close to him as I did when we were under the same roof. It was a frustrating time for both of us & we've both said we wouldn't do that again.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

austria...cool...my husband grew up there...near Salsburg...I had a great time in both Salsburg and Vienna...and the train ride in between!


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