# Is it ok to hack into e-mails/accounts/facbook if you think you are being cheated on?



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Or even suspect it? I'm engaged.

I question it a bit, more so I think out of what happened to me in my first marriage. I was cheated on A LOT. Don't ask me why I stayed, because I don't really know, but I was cheated on several times, both emotionally and physically. 

The way I found out was by getting into her e-mail and finding some naked photos she had sent another man. It snowballed from there into finding a lot more with a lot more men. There were a few different times I foun d out about different affairs, mostly emotional affairs, and I think it really affected me for life.

I am planning on going to counselling for this, as I don't feel like it's fair to carry this burden, both for me and for my fiancee. I had an issue with my fiancee about three years ago, but that's long in the past and I think if I could remove myself from myself (if that makes sense) and think about us objectively, I don't really have any signs of being cheated on. She's a stay-at-home daycare provider, so she can't go out during the day, and at night we are almost always together. Even the odd, rare times she goes anywhere by herself, she's either with one of our kids (she has two from a previous marriage, I have three) or I know where she is.

I guess I just worry a lot about an emotional affair, probably because it's happened to me a lot in the past. Me and my fiancee are due to be married in 2014.

In a nutshell, I'm just curious if it is ok to snoop like this on someone to provide yourself with a sense of knowledge about what is going on, or is it something that's just flat out wrong, regardless of if you are married/engaged or not.

I'm torn a bit both ways on it.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

If you have a genuine reason to suspect, then it's stupid NOT too.

It sounds like you just have some baggage, I'd urge you to do everything possible to leave that baggage in the terminal before you take this next journey.... 

In your place, I might consider having the conversation about your future and tell her you you think transperency is important in a marriage. Offer her all your passwords. See if she reciprocates.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, everyone here will tell you that it's not only fine, it's mandatory.

Except me. I'm the black sheep of the TAM family. I think once you get to the point where you need to snoop, then you have major trust issues that need to be addressed. And snooping won't fix that.

But I shall cede to the majority.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Of course its okay, when you say your vows the only activity thats considered private is when you're using the ****ter.

Having said that you should trust your spouse.Now i know this is easier said than done having been a BS myself but you're doing the right thing in planning to go to counselling.

Sadly this the price that most BS pay.I think that you should address the problem with your fiancee, tell her that you have an issue trusting people and give her the reason. If she has nothing to hide she'll let you view her accounts and her cell phone herself.


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## CarlJ (May 26, 2012)

If you have to live your life in fear, then it probably isn't the right relationship. That being said, it is part of being transparent that you should have the information in order to hold her accountable.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

What is a BS?

I have actually given her all my passwords and accounts, did that a few years ago actually, but it's never been offered back. I think she has the mentality of lamaga, that I should just trust her. I know her ex was a big snoop when there was no reason too, so it's kind of a double edged sword in a sense.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

BS is betrayed spouse.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Your paranoia, if left untreated, will probably destroy your marriage, at the very least it's going to put a huge strain on it.

If you have no reason to believe she's cheating then stay out of her private matters.

If you can't, or you suffer undue anxiety by not knowing, then get help.

End of story


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

If you have reason to believe something inappropriate is going on then I have no problem with "snooping".

If it`s a symptom of extreme insecurity and you`re constantly trying to "catch" an otherwise trustworthy spouse for no rational reason it`s more than a bit unhealthy and can drive you nuts.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Well, ideally you shouldn't HAVE to snoop because there shouldn't be any barriers to either of you having access to the others email, bank accounts etc.

I entered my second (current) marriage with trust issues stemming from being emotionally abused and cheated on by my first husband. He (current hubby) knew that. He NEVER gave me any reason to mistrust him, ever. We shared a computer, we always knew where each other were, etc. 

After a few years we drifted far, far apart (nothing to do with trust issues, strangely throughout all our troubles it never crossed my mind he was cheating). This went on for a couple years, then he turned elsewhere for what our marriage was lacking. Even though he KNEW how devastating it was for me the first time.

Anyway, my point is that just because you have trust issues doesn't mean you should be afraid of asking that the windows in your relationship stay open.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Privacy is when you shut the door to use the bathroom. Secrecy is hiding things from your spouse. There's no room for secrecy in a marriage. If you want to hide things from your partner, then don't get married.

You would be foolish if you aren't investigating your spouse/partner if he/she is displaying signs of cheating. You would also be fool if you don't investigate and verify NC if your spouse has been in an affair and you simply take their word for it. 

Some newly betrayed who don't know jack squat about affairs, call all this crazy. It's not. They are the ones who are foolish.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I the


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

i think the spouse needs to give strong reasons to snoop. i think its sort of a last resort, not a first option. the first option is to talk.
there are other things you can do. one of them is wait to see if the rs gets better. maybe shes just in a funk. if you have a strong sense things have gone downhill for weeks or months. if all the overt signs (too many to list here, read the threads), of cheating are there, and you've talked it out, then try going through phone logs and go from there. as bad as snooping is (and i feel it is bad, the lessor of two evils), its better than having a WS cheating for months or years on you. "the truth will set you free".

the sooner you discover real cheating the better.

snooping before really having a reason is paranoia.

my 2 cenats


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

To the original poster: I highly recommend individual counseling (IC) to talk about your trust issues. You've been wounded to the core and you wisely see that it's more than just being gun shy; it's crossed over to being a present, if irrational, fear. When it's irrational, it's a phobia, which is something that a counselor can certainly help treat.



lamaga said:


> Oh, everyone here will tell you that it's not only fine, it's mandatory.
> 
> Except me. I'm the black sheep of the TAM family. I think once you get to the point where you need to snoop, then you have major trust issues that need to be addressed. And snooping won't fix that.
> 
> But I shall cede to the majority.


I'm curious. lamaga, do you believe in technological transparency in marriage? 

The biggest issue is that people are entering marriage now without understanding the importance of the matter. So there's no advance agreement on the subject. The two people could have vastly different opinions on the issue, but they don't talk about it because our society hasn't caught up to the technological changes.

Eventually I foresee the day when it will be something that people discuss while dating. But we're not quite there yet.

If you mutually agree to transparency at the beginning of the relationship, then snooping can only happen when one spouse unilaterally closes off the other spouse from their technological communications with people outside the marriage.

I suppose you would say one should divorce each time the communications are unilaterally closed off? The problem with that is that without knowing what the communications are in the first place, how can you discern that it rises to a level that is worthy of divorce? Divorce is costly from an emotional and financial perspective, and particularly with children involved, not something to be done lightly.

Most people don't precisely need to see what is said to friends of the marriage; in general, their alarm occurs when a spouse starts to communicate with someone who is a threat to the marriage. Co-workers present a special problem because they often include members of the opposite sex who are strangers to the other spouse, and there can be legitimate work reasons for speaking to or meeting these people outside of normal working hours. Thus, under the cloak of legitimacy, a relationship can form and become quite deep, faster than the loyal spouse can intervene to turn things around.

Verifying a spouse's communications with people outside the marriage who represent sexual threats to the marriage--without that spouse's knowledge--is not a long-term solution. It's a miserable way to live. 

Transparency is a way to manage this on a going forward basis; mutually sharing who you are communicating with, sharing those communications if the spouse requests it. At one time, it was simply who you met face-to-face, corresponded with by mail, and telephoned. Now it involves a dizzying array of methods--basically every type of software and computer and telephone that can connect you with any human being in the world instantaneously. *There is a need for our communities to adapt to this capability, something that is unprecedented in human history, and our social structures have not had a chance to absorb the consequences on our core relationships, i.e. families and marriages.*

Transparency strengthens the marriage, because it opens up lines of communication between the two spouses. So many affairs happen because gaps open up. Transparency can be part of the bridge that maintains a healthy marriage.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I would suggest this. That you both agree to transparency. You share all accounts and keep nothing hidden and you agree to that. That you also agree to no deletions, no deleting history on computers, phones, etc.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Oh, everyone here will tell you that it's not only fine, it's mandatory.
> 
> Except me. I'm the black sheep of the TAM family. I think once you get to the point where you need to snoop, then you have major trust issues that need to be addressed. And snooping won't fix that.
> 
> But I shall cede to the majority.


Don't ever surrender Lamaga your opinions and comments are always welcomed. I can't imagine where I would be if I just got one view. I enjoy being challenged by a divergence of opinion.


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