# Active Catholic; married nearly 20 years; feel like I want out



## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

I am new to this site, so I am just learning the ropes.

I am hoping to receive some advice on what to do with the feelings that I am having. I have been married for 17 years to the most wonderful man in the world; however, I have been very restless in my marriage as of lately. Although we have been intimate in other ways, we have not had actual "intercourse" in almost six years. Six years!! Up until two years ago, I was fine with how things were between us, but then I found myself questioning our non-existent sex life, and it has become a topic of conversation time and time again ... without much success. I have now reached a point in which I am looking for that affection and attention that has been missing for far too long, elsewhere. I am now involved in a full-fledged emotional affair with someone from my past, and I am struggling with more sadness than I am happiness. I find myself wanting to be with this person and not my husband. I find myself feeling trapped within my marriage. I find myself wanting to be single again. I want all these things, because I KNOW .... as a Catholic ... that what I am doing is wrong! If, however, I leave my marriage ... I will be free to do what I may. I will be free to "find" what is missing.

My husband claims (as he has in past years) that the lack of intimacy will improve and that part of it is his age (47) and his inability to "perform." A sad fact, however, it that pornography has been a part of his life since the time I started dating him. He does not view this material in front of me, nor does he keep his collection of DVDs and magazines in plain sight. He does a good job at hiding these things; however, every few years .... when I'm in the mood to snoop .... I do find it! When I do, it's the same cycle .... he gets rid of everything (or so he says), and we move on.

We have no children, which I, too, believe is something that I struggle with. Being 39 and childless is a lot harder than I thought it would be. My husband never wanted children, and although he did, eventually, "give in" to my desire for children, we were never able to get pregnant. I always accepted that as God's will, I guess.

Another obstacle in our marriage is our extended families. I enjoy making the effort to get-together with my parents, siblings, nieces and nephews; yet, he has no desire to do so, and therefore, he has no desire to travel. I, therefore, travel the 280 miles numerous times throughout the year BY MYSELF. I, therefore, feel like I am basically living a single life. I feel like I am basically WITHOUT a husband. This, too, seemed okay to me a few years back .... for I am a rather independent person .... but as of lately, I realize more and more just how lonely I truly am. As my siblings enjoy the presence of their spouses, I am there .... as I always am .... all alone.

He does all the wonderful things that many husbands probably don't. He maintains my vehicle, he runs into town when I need an item or two, he lets me spend money pretty freely, etc. I, however, feel that a large piece of the puzzle is missing. I would love any advice that any of you would be willing to share, because I clearly do not know what to do! I am lonely, sad and very confused! Thank you in advance!!


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

First thing you need to do is stop the EA immediately. Simply wrong.

Your post caught my eye as a Catholic married 17 years also. The grass may appear greener on the other side, but all your efforts should be made on your 17 year devotion before you look elsewhere.

My wife of 17 shocked me with the D word earlier this year and I had no clue she was thinking this way. 

Does your husband know what you're are thinking and doing? 

Be fair with him and let him know what you are thinking and doing, you owe him that much for 17 years.

Peace be with you!


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Agree with the last poster.

I have probably gotten the reputation as being hte forum "Catholic Student" around here but I want to make something clear - I am not an apologist (they actually have official "apologists" that can explain Catholic doctrine).

So, please, PLEASE take what I say with a grain of salt. It's unofficial, even if slightly informed.

A. If your marriage has been sexless for 6 years, it, as probably judged by a tribunal, is not in a state of consummation. If your marriage is not in a state of consummation, it may be invalid and you, by right, may be entitled to annulment.

Don't overlook this - it is considered a "Right" in the Church and one you should, if entitled, seek, if you feel so inclined.

Many in Christian faiths, Catholicism included, feel that an "annulment" is kind of a "cop-out." It is not. Just like the sacrament of marriage, it is viewed an entitlement, "Mercy From God" as marriage is NOT supposed to be a prison.

B. That being said, let's go back to what the poster before said. Any reputable Church would not look upon breaking up a family so lightly. Divorce is never fun but you do have the "bonus" of not having to scar children. But you also can't just walk in and say, "I'm not getting laid here. Now give me my annulment." There is a process (the tribunal) and with good reason.

You have hardly been innocent (even if it's understandable) and you should have to accept some responsibility, state your needs succinctly to your husband and have a "mea culpa" and tell him of your EA. You should seek counselilng of some sort (faith based or non-faith based).

It may be the wake-up call he needs to start acting like a husband in more ways than 1. Being the companion you seek to have in life.

One more thing to place into perspective with sex, marriage, and validity. . .you ARE 39 years old. Therefore, you are at your sexual peak. In a few years though, this will naturally decline for you. It's easy to get hung up on the lack of sex now but any Church and any couple should place the sex into perspective.

I guess what I am saying is you may be a 2x/day-er right now. . .but how about when you are 49 and a 2x/weeker? Will you look back and regret divorcing over sex? Maybe. Maybe not. How about over lack of traveling companion? Maybe. Maybe not.

This is where I worry for you. . .those raging hormones (and God, I should know) alter your judgment. I can honestly say I have "calmed down" now with regards to that. Yes, I still want sex but more a 3-5X/week now, instead of 2x/day. I look back 3 years ago and I was different with my libido. You will someday be different too.

It doesn't excuse lack of affection though.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Six years? That is insane!

I am a Catholic and I do not think being a Catholic has anything to do with this.

You are just as guilty as your husband. You should have never let this go so long. If I have to wait more than a week my wife is hearing it loud and clear.

I would do this. Tell your husband you want a separation. During the separation if he wants to try and fix the marriage tell him you will agree to go out on dates.

I do not understand these guys that look at porn all day. My attitude is very simple. I have the real thing at home why do I want to look at naked women on a computer screen? That would just drive me crazy. I think your husband is full of it, telling you he has a problem in is pants.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No matter how your life turns out, ending up with an affair partner will not give you the peace you desire. Sorry, but it's the truth.

Either fix your marriage or move out.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I agree about ending your EA. Or end your marriage. Can't have both. 



> He does all the wonderful things that many husbands probably don't. He maintains my vehicle, he runs into town when I need an item or two, he lets me spend money pretty freely, etc.


 Those are good thing, but my husband does them too and I'm sure many others do as well...

I think the lack of sexual intimacy has taken its toll. You're only 39! I'm 35 and couldn't imagine going 6 years without sex!

And yea, your religion has nothing to do with this other than double guilt, I'm sure.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Get your marriage annulled.


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## Threetimesalady (Dec 22, 2010)

Hi trigger01...I did a post earlier and want to change it...Whatever your religion is, it shouldn't matter...IMO, what is important is your happiness......Your husband will not change...He has not only allowed himself to become impotent, but allowed his imaginary young women on the flicks, to become his mistresses...Unfortunately, his is the story of many men...His Porn should have been stopped long ago...Here, you are in error.......

I love my husband with all my heart and soul....Yet, I would not tolerate what you have stood for...My best advice is to be happy....Whatever and however you do it, is up to you...Don't worry about what any other people might think....You have only one life....I send you my best wishes...Take care...

Caroline


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