# Getting over Wife's Infidelity



## lambdamax6

It has been four months since D-Day. I (41M) am really not over my wife’s (40F) infidelity. I want to be, but I am not. It has been the most excruciating, traumatic event of my life to date. The affair started during a really tough time for her and I. I had suffered some serious professional setbacks, and we had lost a baby after 9 weeks of pregnancy. We also have two young children. Admittedly, we were not in a good place. I think about it daily and I cannot stop myself from doing so. I believe my wife when she tells me that she only slept with him once and that it is over. She told me that her and her AP realized that it was “wrong” and she did not want to destroy her marriage over it. However, they remained friends after sleeping together, and hid that relationship from me and our friends for two years. That being said, I still love her and always will. Here are the facts of the affair and how I see them. Please provide your thoughts.

1.Wife began inappropriate texting relationship with her personal trainer (PT) in winter of 2014. I discovered it by seeing messages on her phone between them. The messages alluded to dinner and drinks together, especially on occasions when I was not around or working late.
2. I told her that I knew about it and that it should stop immediately in March of 2014. I explained that I was uncomfortable with this type of relationship and preferred that she should stop training with PT.
3. She claimed that she would stop the texting relationship, but she wanted to continue training with PT.
4. Later in that month, we went to dinner together, and said we would start working more on our communication.
5. Wife continued to train with PT, and deceptively meet him on occasion outside the gym (coffee, dinner). Some time in April/May of that year, she slept with PT. I did not find out about this for sure until two years later, but I had been suspecting and never had evidence.
6. My wife changed his name on her phone from PT to other women’s names (Rose/Veronica, whatever) to conceal their communication.
7. She continued to text him and see him (later she admitted as “friends only”) throughout 2015
8. In March of 2015, she lied and said she was going out with her friends, but instead went out with PT and drank too much. She ended up in a Holiday Inn Express hotel room. I discovered this by seeing a strange charge on our cc the following day.
9. I confronted her about the hotel. Initially she lied and said she had no idea about the hotel room and she really had gone out with her friends. When pressed, she fessed up and said that she had gone out with PT and drank too much, could not drive home. She claimed that she did not sleep with him. Once again, I asked her to stop her relationship with him, but she refused.
10. She claimed that there was “nothing going on”, he was “not her type”, “he is just a personal trainer”.
11. I continued to monitor her cell and found that she had stayed in touch with him. I asked again for honesty regarding herr relationship sometime in early June after I had seen on the phone bill multiple texts between her and PT while I was working late. She denied everything and said I was being insecure.
12. From what I could tell, she saw him less in summer and fall of 2015, but she did see him. She continued to text him under pseudonyms. 
13. I confronted her in late January of 2016. I was tired of the deception and I wanted the truth. my wife said that she were just really good friends and wanted to remain so. I wanted to support it at the time to move on, hoping she would be honest with me from this point on.
14. The following week, I took the girls to visit my mother and sister. She stayed home. The night we left, she visited PT. I knew when I came home because I checked her phone (re: text conversation with FAKE GIRL’S NAME). She withheld this information from me.
15. On 12 February, I discovered a revealing text in which she wrote that she had indeed slept with PT. This confirmed that she had been lying to me for two years.
16. I wanted to reconcile. I thought she did as well. So I wanted her to stop working out with him and seeing him. I preferred no contact at all. She said she would stop seeing him, but not working out with him. She is still working out with him, to my knowledge. She does not see him as far as I can tell and appears to be above board. Recently, she is beginning to transition to a new personal trainer (no affair there)
17. As part of my process of healing from the affair, I wanted to know details, where, when, etc…I needed to know everything. Initially, she told me about the night she 
slept with him in a detailed manner.
18. In later conversations, it became apparent that she did not want to talk about the affair with him with me. She got upset every time I brought it up.


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## GusPolinski

1. She's lying. About a LOT.

2. Has she, at this point, COMPLETELY cut any and all contact w/ this guy? If not, the affair is still on. If so, when did this happen?

ETA: Just caught that she is still working out w/ this guy. *Newsflash... SHE IS STILL CHEATING.* The voice inside your head is correct.

File for divorce first thing tomorrow morning.


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## Unicus

Once broken, trust takes a long time to be regained. 

You'd do well to think about the things you need in order for that to happen, and then tell her, sot here's something other than the betrayal itself in your head.


FWIW, depending on how you generally handle things like betrayal, this might not be repairable. You should also consider going into therapy to discuss this.


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## lambdamax6

She does still train with him occasionally. She certainly is not meeting him anymore outside their training sessions. Most of my issue is that she is so ashamed and ridden with guilt about her transgression, that she really does not want to talk about it. But I think I need to.


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## lambdamax6

@Unicus. I AGREE. I am much more angry at the two years of deception than the "physical affair". My wife has been much more vigilant of our relationship since D-Day. But not to the degree where if I bring up the affair, she will engage in a convo. She wants to put it past us. The rub is, I was suspecting her of having a physical affair for two years, but she actually had one night stand with someone she had a physical affair with two years ago. I just discovered it (with certainty) four months ago. Basically, she went through a guilty and remorseful period for sleeping with another man 1.5 years ago, and I recently found out about it. Our grieving/recovery periods are out of synch.


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## GusPolinski

lambdamax6 said:


> She does still train with him occasionally. She certainly is not meeting him anymore outside their training sessions. Most of my issue is that she is so ashamed and ridden with guilt about her transgression, that she really does not want to talk about it. But I think I need to.


For as long as she's in contact w/ him AT ALL, the affair is still on.

The absolute first rule to reconciliation is ZERO contact going forward w/ affair partners. No phone calls, no texts, no Facebook or other social media, no e-mail, and CERTAINLY no working out together.

I mean... COME THE F#CK ON, man... this is just common damn sense.

Is this guy married? If not, does he have a steady girlfriend, SO, fiancée, etc? If so, expose the affair to his wife/girlfriend/SO.

Also let the gym know what he's been up to on the premises.


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## GusPolinski

lambdamax6 said:


> @Unicus. I AGREE. I am much more angry at the two years of deception than the "physical affair". My wife has been much more vigilant of our relationship since D-Day. But not to the degree where if I bring up the affair, she will engage in a convo. She wants to put it past us. The rub is, I was suspecting her of having a physical affair for two years, but she actually had one night stand with someone she had a physical affair with two years ago. I just discovered it (with certainty) four months ago. Basically, she went through a guilty and remorseful period for sleeping with another man 1.5 years ago, and I recently found out about it. Our grieving/recovery periods are out of synch.


First off, you just found out, so it's news to you. Doesn't matter that it ended how many ever months or years ago.

Second, IT DIDN'T END. Use your common damn sense.

Third, she doesn't want to reconcile, she wants to _rugsweep_, and she gets angry when you ask questions because she realizes that a) you're challenging her bullsh*t account of things and b) should you become aware of the truth, it will be more difficult for her to keep you in her thrall.

Wake up.


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## weltschmerz

You really need to stop acting like a cuckold. If there's any chance you want your marriage to survive, don't know why you'd want it to, you have to lay down the law. She's a liar and you're basically getting it up the bum with how accepting you are of the situation. Shame really.


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## LosingHim

You're doing this all wrong. 

I cheated on my husband and lied to him about it for close to 3 years. We are 5 months into reconciliation after 4 months of separation after I came clean. 

My OM was my husbands best friend. Drunken ONS (oral sex) that I told my husband was "just a kiss" for close to 3 years. 

We did not hang out with him for a year after what I did and then started hanging out with him again for close to 2 years. My husband was in his wedding this past July and then in September asked me for a separation. A week later I told him the entire truth of what went down that night and he asked me for a divorce.

I continued to talk to OM occasionally after my husband and I separated (he lives one road over). In November, I finally stopped talking to OM. While my affair was literally only a one time thing, my continued contact with him added layers of betrayal to my marriage. My husband never got a chance to "get over it" because I continued to throw om in his face and my husband allowed them to stay friends.

My friend, your wife is continuing to betray you on a daily basis by insisting that she still work out with this fool. PT's are a dime a dozen. She insists on working out with him because a) she's still sleeping with him b) she still has feelings for him c) she's still feeding you lies about the extent of their affair d) she's cake eating e) she's not remorseful f) any combination or all of the above.

Scorch the earth. Threaten divorce. You don't have to go through with it, but she has to think you will. Only then will you get all of the details. Only then will you see her truly fight for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya

How many more chances are you going to give her before anything she does is actually wrong. Because she's had no consequences for her actions other than you telling her what you expect, then caving in to her whims.


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## MattMatt

Been where you are. It will take a long time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## larry.gray

lambdamax6 said:


> Most of my issue is that she is so ashamed and ridden with guilt about her transgression, that she really does not want to talk about it. But I think I need to.


Read this thread. Every single post.
successful rugsweep
That will be you if you don't insist she completely open up to you.


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## LosingHim

She is not so consumed with guilt she can't talk about the details. She's not talking about the details because she doesn't want to get caught in a lie.

I begged my husband to let me tell him the details from start to finish and to ask me any questions he wanted to. At first, he did not want to hear it. I don't blame him, but I knew that if we were to he together, he needed every single second of the truth. My husband no longer brings it up. But he did for quite some time. "Threw it in my face" (I never looked at it that way, that's cheater speak for not wanting to admit what you did). He referred to me as his "cheating wife", told me that I just wanted to put it all behind us because I had done wrong. That's why I asked to be able to tell him everything without him shutting me down. He DESERVED to know it all and ask whatever questions he wanted. He still can if he wants to. Only after I told him the entire story and he had free reign to ask about it and talk about it was he able to move forward with me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dyokemm

OP,

I agree with the other posters....the A is not really over if she still has any contact with this POS.

And I suspect that a major reason your WW does not want to discuss anything is because she has admitted to you just the 'tip of the iceberg' about how much and how often she betrayed you.

Too many red flags for this to have been a single ONS.....like the night with the hotel room when you were out of town; that story just doesn't pass the smell test IMO.

As long as your WW continues to hide and deceive about what she did, the A hasn't really ended IMO.....it is a continuation of her betrayal.

Other posters are also correct on exposing this POS.....to his BW/gf if he has one and to the gym he works at.


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## convert

most likely they had sex more then the one time.

If reconciliation is going to work there has to be NO CONTACT of any kind.

non, zero, zip.

and most likely the affair is still going on 

Exposure will help a lot to end it.


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## Roselyn

Affair is still on. See a divorce attorney. Life won't get any better for you. You deserve a better life.


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## Graywolf2

lambdamax6 said:


> I believe my wife when she tells me that she only slept with him once and that it is over. She told me that her and her AP realized that it was “wrong” and she did not want to destroy her marriage over it.





lambdamax6 said:


> She is so ashamed and ridden with guilt about her transgression.





lambdamax6 said:


> My wife has been much more vigilant of our relationship since D-Day.


Your wife’s story is that she was so “ashamed and ridden with guilt” that she ended the affair on her own so as to not “destroy her marriage over it.” But according you she didn’t become “more vigilant of your relationship” until D day. Why didn’t she become “much more vigilant” when she realized how important the marriage was and ended the affair? Why did she wait until D day?

It sounds like she’s more guilty about getting caught than the affair itself. In addition, if I do something really stupid I don’t like to keep things around that remind me of it. For example if I get a speeding ticket I pay it off right away so that I can put it behind me. If it was such a bad thing why did she continue to contact the OM?



lambdamax6 said:


> 18. In later conversations, it became apparent that she did not want to talk about the affair with him with me. She got upset every time I brought it up.


Tell your wife that she knows everything about the affair because she was there. You were not and have questions.

My money is on that they had sex this entire time. That’s why there was no working on the marriage until she was caught.


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## Unicus

I suppose this is another of those situations I see differently, too.

First, if it happened once or it lasted years and years is irrelevant. It's not about the actions themselves, it's about the reasons. She's impulsive, she's self centered, she's insecure, she has bad judgment. There's all kinds of temptations in the world, we use our brains and a modicum of self control to make good choices. She doesn't have that. If this affair ended or not isn't the issue, it's the underlying deficits that allowed the behaviors in the first place..those are the real culprit here. Without addressing those deficits, the amount of emotional filth under the rug is irrelevant.

Your task here is to determine what she needs to do to regain your trust, and then she needs to buy into that. 

If you're looking for a loot of support for her being a scum bag, you've got it. Now what?


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## happy as a clam

Do you honestly believe in 2 years they only slept together ONCE??

Because if you really believe that, you've got bigger issues to sort out than your wife's deceit.

Time to pull your head out of the sand...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky

Your wife...wow.

She must really be something. She actually has you believing that your eyes are lying to you.

There is not an infidelity expert anywhere that I have seen that believes an affair can end while there is still contact. None. Zip. Zilch. Zero.

So...either your wife is a special snowflake, or you are in over your head. At this point, which does your head actually believe?

You are in denial my friend. Outright denial.

If you worked for me and solved problems like this, I would send you packing. 

You KNOW she is still cheating on you or you would not be here.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## GusPolinski

Unicus said:


> I suppose this is another of those situations I see differently, too.
> 
> *First, if it happened once or it lasted years and years is irrelevant.*. It's not about the actions themselves, it's about the reasons. She's impulsive, she's self centered, she's insecure, she has bad judgment. There's all kinds of temptations in the world, we use our brains and a modicum of self control to make good choices. She doesn't have that. *If this affair ended or not isn't the issue*, it's the underlying deficits that allowed the behaviors in the first place..those are the real culprit here. Without addressing those deficits, the amount of emotional filth under the rug is irrelevant.
> 
> Your task here is to determine what she needs to do to regain your trust, and then she needs to buy into that.
> 
> If you're looking for a loot of support for her being a scum bag, you've got it. Now what?


/facepalm

It is if she's lying about it.

And she is.


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## Evinrude58

She only slept with him once but has been dating him and going to hotels with him for years.

You, however, can't even summon the courage to tell her you know she's a liar, you know she's been sleeping with him for years, and you want a divorce because she's still seeing him as a physical trainer. I'll bet he has some interesting workouts with her and there's lots of reps.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Happilymarried25

lambdamax6 said:


> She does still train with him occasionally. She certainly is not meeting him anymore outside their training sessions. Most of my issue is that she is so ashamed and ridden with guilt about her transgression, that she really does not want to talk about it. But I think I need to.


You do need to know the details because cheaters lie and odds are she slept with him a lot more and just doesn't want to tell you. Everyone here will tell you that. You may have to give her an ultimatum, tell you the timeline and don't leave anything out or you will file for divorce and tell everyone the reason you are divorcing which is that she cheated on you. That will make her more ashamed than just you knowing the details of her affair, meanwhile make sure she gives you access to her phone and computer.


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## rzmpf

Your W always admitted to what you saw evidence for. You saw evidence for contact, she had contact, you saw evidence for sex, she had sex "once". You don't have evidence for more sex so she does not have more sex. Although she ends up at hotel rooms....If you really believe her after all those lies she told you then you should stay with her because then you have no selfrespect. She is already disrespecting you massively while sleeping with her trainer and continuing her affair although you requested her to stop seeing him in whatever function.

You need to start to respect yourself because no one else is going to respect you if you don't, not even your kids if they get old enough to understand what was/is going on. Man up and cut her loose so she can be with her trainer because that's what she wants. For her you are just the azz that is taking care of the bills.

It may be that you love her, but love is not the only thing a functioning happy relationship needs. It needs trust, honesty, loyalty and respect (and other things) just as much as love. Would you say that her actions show any sign of these qualities towards you or rather towards her trainer?


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## jsmart

She's still working out this guy? Are you insane? This affair is not done. She is still banging POS. 

Your wife has become a cheap wh0re who puts her desires ahead of the marriage and your daughters. She'll be there with your daughters but she's emotionally absent.
Her mind is on what her POS is up to. I'm sure you wife has been cold and distant towards you. To try and turn this on you being insecure and needy. What a nasty beotch.

Go read some of the threads on Loveshack's OW section. These vile women continue to screw there their POS after many Ddays. Most have cut husband off sexually so they can remain true to their man. If he still gets any, it's a trickle of cold duty sex. They look for things to fight about to avoid intimacy and tell friends and family of all their BH's short comings. It's a way to lessen the guilt. 

I recommend that you divorce and file for joint custody. I hope your wife is working. If not, tell her to get a job ASAP. Remove half the $ from the bank account. Change your direct deposit to a different account. Cancel any credit cards. Let her wh0re on her own dime.

Look up the 180. It's to help you detach. Not going to lie and say your daughters will not be affected by the breaking up of your family but that was your wife's doing. Don't sacrifice your well being to keep the family together. 1 person alone can't save the family. Every guy I know that has divorced, after grieving for a season end up with a younger, hotter girl.


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## kenmoore14217

lambdamax6 simply put you're a fool! I would prefer it if this was a troll thread actually.


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## happy as a clam

Happilymarried25 said:


> You may have to give her an ultimatum, tell you the timeline and don't leave anything out or you will file for divorce and tell everyone the reason you are divorcing which is that she cheated on you. That will make her more ashamed than just you knowing the details of her affair, meanwhile make sure she gives you access to her phone and computer.


Personally, I think OP should be well past the point of timelines and passwords. Her level of deceit and treachery is horrendous. He ought to be at the lawyer's office at 8:00 on Monday morning.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lambdamax6

Ok- some more background. While in the military (retired over 1.5 years), I deployed quite often, leaving her behind. I can say with certainty, that she did not cheat on me during any of these deployments. I believe she exercised extremely poor judgment for the ONS; definitely more poor judgement for continuing the deceit afterwards. She says she did not tell me about it was over and she felt terrible because if it. Everything between them after was "above board". I want to believe her, I want to rebuild trust. But it is just so hard.
We have not tried MC yet. Maybe we should.


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## rzmpf

jsmart said:


> I hope your wife is working. If not, tell her to get a job ASAP. Remove half the $ from the bank account. Change your direct deposit to a different account. Cancel any credit cards. Let her wh0re on her own dime.


THIS a thousand times. I really, really hope that she is paying her "personal trainer" with her own money (pretty sure he makes her pay in other ways) and it's not you paying him.



lambdamax6 said:


> We have not tried MC yet. Maybe we should.


MC while the affair is ongoing is useless. She is not willing to work with you because of her "guilt". What makes you think she wants to work with you and some stranger? And most MC will basically tell you to forget about it and continue as if nothing has happened (rugsweep) because their job is to keep you married. Most don't care if you are happy or trusting or whatever.



lambdamax6 said:


> I believe she exercised extremely poor judgment for the ONS; definitely more poor judgement for continuing the deceit afterwards. .


She knew what she was doing to keep the affair going and to stay married to you simultaneously and she is still doing it. No poor judgement, cake eating and it still works. Stop believing (do that in church) and look what's there in front of you. Look at her behaviour these past years, look at her behaviour now. No remorse whatsover, just regret, regret being caught, because now cake eating got a bit harder. Not much because you are still pretty gullible.

She is not even willing to stop contact with this dude!!!!



lambdamax6 said:


> I can say with certainty, that she did not cheat on me during any of these deployments.


And how exactly can you be certain of that? Please not because she told you so???


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## The Middleman

lambdamax6 said:


> She does still train with him occasionally. She certainly is not meeting him anymore outside their training sessions. Most of my issue is that she is so ashamed and ridden with guilt about her transgression, that she really does not want to talk about it. But I think I need to.


Are you serious about this? Why do you allow this to go on ... really. Stand up and take control! You need to insist on no contact if you plan on reconcilation. If she doesn't agree to it, you need to slap her with divorce paper. The other thing you didn't do was expose this to everyone she and the Trainer knows. This will help prevent the affair from starting gain and reinforce the shame factor. You have to ruin his career and what is left of your wife's 'reputation'. You have done everything all wrong. Personally, I still think the affair is still on going.

EDIT: For what it's worth, I wouldn't try to save my marriage if I were in your shoes. For me once the physical line has been crossed, it's a deal breaker. I'd leave her lying cheating ass.


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## happy as a clam

lambdamax6 said:


> Ok- some more background. While in the military (retired over 1.5 years), I deployed quite often, leaving her behind. I can say with certainty, that she did not cheat on me during any of these deployments. I believe she exercised extremely poor judgment *for the ONS*; definitely more poor judgement for continuing the deceit afterwards. She says she did not tell me about it was over and she felt terrible because if it. *Everything between them after was "above board".* I want to believe her, I want to rebuild trust. But it is just so hard.
> We have not tried MC yet. Maybe we should.


Seriously??

Ok, I'm out...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsmart

Your gut knows this doesn't pass the smell test. Do you realize how sexual these WWs are with their POS? You want to reconcile with a woman that has probably done every deed known to porndom. Read the threads. We have SO MANY threads of BHs that eventually found that their WW was doing stuff with their POS that they were turned down for. I'm telling you it's vulgar.

The more threads I read from WW asking for help on dealing with the pain of their MM going on vacation with his family the more I realize that once a woman has cheated, she's gone. There's a woman blowing up her 16 year marriage with 4 kids to be with her MM that she had a 4 month EA. I'm tell you, if her trainer said he wants to marry her and be a step dad to your daughters, you would be kicked to the curb so quickly that it would blow your mind.

The amount of effort needed to win a cheating wench is so out of proportion with the reward. It is way easier to win over a younger woman and start a new relationship without the cloud of adultery hoovering over the marriage. As a 41 year old, you could easily snatch up an early 30s woman who would give you more children.


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## bryanp

Your wife continues to play you for a fool. 
If the roles were reversed how do you think
she would be acting toward you?

You strike me as one of the nice guys and your
wife knew she could have an affair and there would
be no consequences. She lies to you for two years
and you accept it. She continues to train with her affair
partner on and off and you are fine with her.

Your wife continues to show you that she has very little
respect for you, your feelings and your marriage.
IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?


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## the guy

Your old lady should be helping you heal and yes she should except this consequence of having to discuss this shameful choice she has made.

Bad behavior continues with out consequences.

The way I see it is #1 she doesn't want to face this shameful behaviors and in time "how horrible this was for her" will fade and another bad choice for her to make is just around the corner. IMO she isn't remorseful and is in fact scared of getting caught in her lies if she opens up.

The reality is....

How can she face the man that helped her destroy her marriage, how can she go work out knowing the man she is paying almost cost her her family? Cuz she doesn't feel bad and has justified her bad choices....this how it works for waywards!

If she was truly remorseful this man would disgust her and his mare sight much less the mention of his name should gross her out? This is not the case ...

So my point here is why can she continue to work out with this man but yet won't discuss him and her affair..... what she did wasn't that bad in her mind and chances are you were a better lover.


I mean how a shamed and guilty can she feel when she still see this PT when in all honesty this PT should make her sick to her stomach!!!!

My FWW can't stand her AP's


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## stillthinking

"she is so ashamed and ridden with guilt about her transgression, that she really does not want to talk about it"

Of course she is....that is why she still works out with him. He is such a visual reminder of the worst decision she ever made.....that she needs to keep seeing him?

Your rationalizations are breaking down, you know this. You can rugsweep, wait for it to happen again, and it will. Cheaters are like children, if you do not displicine them for stealing a cookie, they will keep doing it. 

Or take action.


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## the guy

Whats really scary is your old lady hasn't faced this 2 year affair and having only face what you can confirm she is still not learned a dam thing and the fact is she has no clue how to affair proof the marriage from here on out.

You guys have a long way to go...my old lady went 5 years straight with out ****ing around again.....something tells me you won;t have to wait this long!


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## ABHale

lambdamax6 said:


> Ok- some more background. While in the military (retired over 1.5 years), I deployed quite often, leaving her behind. I can say with certainty, that she did not cheat on me during any of these deployments. I believe she exercised extremely poor judgment for the ONS; definitely more poor judgement for continuing the deceit afterwards. She says she did not tell me about it was over and she felt terrible because if it. Everything between them after was "above board". I want to believe her, I want to rebuild trust. But it is just so hard.
> We have not tried MC yet. Maybe we should.


You are deceiving yourself if you truly believe this. Ask her to do a poly, you get to ask four questions. Find one that is experienced and set the date and then tell her about it a day before hand. There are people on here that have experience with this and they should be able to help you with the questions you need to ask.


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## GusPolinski

lambdamax6 said:


> Ok- some more background. While in the military (retired over 1.5 years), I deployed quite often, leaving her behind. I can say with certainty, that she did not cheat on me during any of these deployments. I believe she exercised extremely poor judgment for the ONS; definitely more poor judgement for continuing the deceit afterwards. She says she did not tell me about it was over and she felt terrible because if it. Everything between them after was "above board". I want to believe her, I want to rebuild trust. But it is just so hard.
> We have not tried MC yet. Maybe we should.


For as long as she continues to see her lover (and REGARDLESS of the capacity in which she's _supposedly_ seeing him), there's no point in MC, as it would amount to nothing more than wasted time and money, along w/ an hour of so of opportunities for her to hone her ability to lie to you in front of others every other week.

The reason that you can't believe her is the same reason that you're having trouble "getting over" her infidelity -- you know that what she's telling you doesn't pass the sniff test. Unless, that is, it's _supposed_ to smell like bullsh*t.

And I just have to ask... how certain are you w/ respect to the dates surrounding the respective conceptions of your children? You're not one of those guys that came home from a year-long deployment to find your wife 6 months pregnant, are you?


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## Evinrude58

His wife is totally Unremorseful and still sees her affair partner.
OP has zero chance at a real marriage with her.
He doesn't want the truth, doesn't want to give up whatever he gets from her, and won't give her any consequences for her actions. He's a helluva good excuse maker for her, though. I'll bet she's used these all on him before.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerging Buddhist

lambdamax6 said:


> Ok- some more background. While in the military (retired over 1.5 years), I deployed quite often, leaving her behind. I can say with certainty, that she did not cheat on me during any of these deployments. I believe she exercised extremely poor judgment for the ONS; definitely more poor judgement for continuing the deceit afterwards. She says she did not tell me about it was over and she felt terrible because if it. Everything between them after was "above board". I want to believe her, I want to rebuild trust. But it is just so hard.
> We have not tried MC yet. Maybe we should.


I would say from all I have witnessed in and out of deployments, you would be unwise to place any faith in your certainty... 

Been there, seen that, lived that, survived that, a t-shirt nobody wants.

Past practice is indicative of present and future performance.

I'm sorry, if counseling and R is to be successful, you will have to scorch earth to separate her from her current path by exposing and separating yourself.

Woeful thing is she will undeservingly take half your retirement if unsuccessful...


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## Marc878

Cheaters lie a lot. That's what an affair is. Lying, hiding and denying. She's lied to you how many times for how long? Two years? One time usually equals twenty. Once they start having sex they don't stop. She can't stop seeing him is a bad sign.

Sorry man. So many come here and say "I want to believe her" why? Because they can't comprehend the woman they idolize or have on a pedestal would behave like that. 

You want the full truth? Do a text recovery on her phone or schedule a polygraph (you'll probably get a confession before she takes it) Everyone here sees it. It happens all the time. This is no different than many others. 

You want reconciliation to try and salvage this? Get the truth first!!!! 

Sorry but she's been deceiving iOS for two years and is continuing to.

Everyone is correct. Continued contact means the affair is ongoing.

Check your phone records over the last year. It'll surprise you. One time???? No way!!!!!

The ones who come out of this best get strong and stay there. Remember they will destroy your life, family and future. The affair is always all consuming.


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## jdawg2015

Does the PT work for a company? I see potential lawsuit here if he works for a chain at least work to getting a settlement out of it.

I am not sure of the laws but in a case like this I think there is professional misconduct by using his PT position to have an affair with a married women. Definitely would like to see the ability to sue for cases like this.

Two years and still contacting the guy? That's a complete slap in the face. I can only give you my advice but I'd divorce her immediately. You know in your heart you won't every really forget it and that alone is why I'd never reconcile as you're signing yourself up for a life of reminders and always wondering.

If you do decide to keep her, she basically is on lifetime parole with ZERO PT, ZERO male friends, ZERO texting other men, etc etc.

Blow-up the PTs world for sure. Contact his place of employment, if he has any online reviews like Yelp post it on there so it's tied to his name, and if he has a gf or is married let her know as well.


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## Jasel

lambdamax6 said:


> Ok- some more background. While in the military (retired over 1.5 years), I deployed quite often, leaving her behind. I can say with certainty, that she did not cheat on me during any of these deployments. I believe she exercised extremely poor judgment for the ONS; definitely more poor judgement for continuing the deceit afterwards. She says she did not tell me about it was over and she felt terrible because if it. Everything between them after was "above board". I want to believe her, I want to rebuild trust. But it is just so hard.
> We have not tried MC yet. Maybe we should.


If you send me $10,000 via Paypal, I know a Nigerian witch doctor who will cast a spell to make your wife switch her personal trainer.

Sent from my SM-G900P using Tapatalk


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## Evinrude58

"I deployed quite often, leaving her behind. I can say with certainty, that she did not cheat on me during any of these deployments. "

Ok, I'll bite. How are you certain that she didn't cheat while you were deployed? Does Jody leave his calling card every time he visits?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski

Jasel said:


> If you send me $10,000 via Paypal, I know a Nigerian witch doctor who will cast a spell to make your wife switch her personal trainer.


I've got a guy that will do it for only $9000.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LucasJackson

The affair is ongoing. That I promise you. Slept with him once? No. Probably more like several times a week or more. A lot of those "workouts" were not workouts at all but hook-ups.

She's still lying through her teeth and cake eating. She's using your love for her against you to get what she wants. Stop being a sap and put your house in order.


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## FrazzledSadHusband

OP, everyone has been fairly tactful. Let me be blunt, every time your wife is "working out" with this guy, they are probably joking about how she needs some more "protein drink" from his [email protected] for building her muscles, and when she's workin out, she's sweatin almost as hard as when he had her bent over the bench press machine and banged her.

You need to get mad, file for divorce. Your wife has you in a type of fog. Men who get attached to their spouse thru sex cannot think clearly. It's kinda like the fog couples get when in a affair with each other. Only in your case, you can only see your wife in a good light, because she knows that keepin you confused is beneficial for her.

Men or women that willingly engage in cheating outside of marriage have broken all covenants that form the marriage. You may continue with your wife, but nothing of the old relationship is left. You need to start building relationship all over.

Sorry you are here.


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## 6301

The problem you have is she cheated and when you found out about it, you really didn't do anything to give her pause to think that she could be out on her ass in the street, but you let her dictate how things would go so right now this is your fault.

What you should have done was given her a heavy duty jolt and make her earn her way back in your life. When she said she still wanted to work out with him is when you should have told her that she can do it all night long but as of now she doesn't live under the same roof as you and you should have pointed to the door, and the next day hired a lawyer and hit her with divorce papers. Maybe then she would have understood that you weren't monkeying around with her and she had one foot on a banana peel and the other in a grave.

Right now she knows your not going to do anything about it so you tell me, would you stop? Why should she. Your there, your paycheck is there, she has a roof over her head and food in her stomach and some dude on the side and your doing nothing about it. Until you make her take responsibility for her actions, expect more of the same.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

The ole' "We ONLY had sex one time" line... With all the contact between her and the OM before, during and after the "one time", it's very doubtful that she only had physical contact/sex with him only one time. After enough time goes by, you'll realize this. Especially since she NEVER stopped contact with him.

I predict that she'll forget to delete a text, or an email, one time and even you won't be able to deny it when you see it for yourself.

Then, you never demanded that she stop ALL contact, with a guy that she cheated on you with. This is going to come back to haunt you. It may have already done so, you just haven't caught it yet...

I'd say tell her NO MORE contact, AT ALL, but that gene is going to be tough getting back in the bottle after all this time has passed.

These are the kinds of threads where I'm just hoping a moderator chimes in and says "You've all been trolled". Because if it's for real, you're darkest days still lie ahead of you...


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## larry.gray

lambdamax6 said:


> The affair started during a really tough time for her and I. I had suffered some serious professional setbacks, and we had lost a baby after 9 weeks of pregnancy. We also have two young children.


Are you sure on the start date? REALLY sure? Are you sure this is the first one?










This will tell you for SURE. Test both of your kids.


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## alte Dame

You sound like you are firm in your belief that you have the truth. What you want from us is help in your reconciliation process.

The problem is that the experienced people here can't help you sweep all of this under the rug. We don't believe that you have the truth. We think there was and still probably is much more to the affair than she has admitted. As a result, we can't give you advice on reconciliation. Reconciliation after infidelity rests on TRUTH.

It's fine if you want to keep the blinders on. It's certainly your life and your choice. But people who want to help you heal from infidelity can't work with you if you won't take the blinders off.

Just for the sake of argument, what would you do if you found out that the affair went on the whole time they've been in contact?


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## Bobby5000

" She certainly is not meeting him anymore outside their training sessions." It is incomprehensbile that after repeated lies and infidelity that she would ask to engage with him and you would allow it. Apparently she has not finished humiliating you and once humiliated, your self-esteem is so bad that you allow it. For this marriage to continue, she needs to acknowledge and confront the consequences of her deception. If once that is addressed, she has some grievances, that can be discussed. 

Let me add that you are the only one in this forum who believes you are getting the complete truth.


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## jsmart

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> OP, everyone has been fairly tactful. *Let me be blunt, every time your wife is "working out" with this guy, they are probably joking about how she needs some more "protein drink" from his [email protected] for building her muscles, and when she's workin out, she's sweatin almost as hard as when he had her bent over the bench press machine and banged her.*
> 
> *You need to get mad, file for divorce. *Your wife has you in a type of fog. Men who get attached to their spouse thru sex cannot think clearly. It's kinda like the fog couples get when in a affair with each other. Only in your case, you can only see your wife in a good light, because she knows that keepin you confused is beneficial for her.
> 
> *Men or women that willingly engage in cheating outside of marriage have broken all covenants that form the marriage. You may continue with your wife, but nothing of the old relationship is left. *You need to start building relationship all over.
> 
> Sorry you are here.


More than likely she's blowing his dome in the car. How OP thinks she did it once is beyond me. There is no doubt that he's tapping that several times a week. A middle aged married mother with a personal trainer. My goodness, you know she'll do obscene acts to please the guy. Husband ask for BJTC or anal and is told that's disgusting, what type of a woman do you think I am. For POS, it's all enthusiastically on the menu.


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## Bibi1031

Wake up fool! You're paying OM to bang your wife!:slap::nono:


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## OnTheRocks

Adults do not fvck one time, and then continue to work together, and hang out outside of professional situations for two years afterward without continuing to fvck. What would be the point?


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## Maxo

This cannot be real. If it is,and someone this obtuse was in the military,our national security is not good.


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## Maxo

GusPolinski said:


> I've got a guy that will do it for only $9000.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'll do it for a dozen ProV1s( and,I am not even Nigerian-yet).


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## TDSC60

OnTheRocks said:


> Adults do not fvck one time, and then continue to work together, and hang out outside of professional situations for two years afterward without continuing to fvck. What would be the point?


QFT.

Affair is still going on if she still sees him in ANY way or in any situation.

Wake up.

Suggest that she take a polygraph to prove she is truthful about what happened. My bet is that she will not agree to it. Because she is still not telling you the truth.


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## sparrow55

I stopped reading after the first few lines. With you being so "understanding" and so willingly gullible about it, maybe she shouldn't stop cheating either. She just needs to make sure you do not notice it. 

Your question was not about dealing with her infidelity but about getting over it.


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## CH

Another spouse blinded by love.

Everything is on her terms, sorry but you're being played for a fool big time.

Everything should be on your terms from here on out.

But, it seems you want to save this marriage no matter what so, just suck it up and ride out this storm and pray for a miracle. BTW, it happened more than just once, deep down you know it to be true.

You want to get over it, 1st thing that's gotta change is, you call the shots now. But that means risking losing her. And if you lost her, what did you really lose at this point, a cheater who lied to you for 2 years....From the outside looking in, THAT IS NOT A PRIZE I WANT.

You want details, you get it. You want a time line, you get it. If it's not abusive then she really has no argument not to give it to you so you can start healing.


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## larry.gray

CH said:


> Another spouse blinded by love.
> 
> Everything is on her terms, sorry but you're being played for a fool big time.
> 
> Everything should be on your terms from here on out.


Hence why I suggested he read RiverRats thread. Right now he loves her. But without _properly_ addressing this, his love will fester to hate and someday will become indifference.


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## italianjob

I'm having quite a hard time believing someone like OP can actually exist IRL, anyway...

There's a classic italian movie of the early sixties, where a famous italian comedian pulls a fraud, fakely selling the "Fontana di Trevi" in Rome to an American tourist. 
You remind me of the american tourist...

Really, man. there is no ONS, she's been banging this guy probably since winter 2014. Do you actually think they were meeting in secret to play poker in the past two years? And they are still at it these days...

The only thing, seen as you seem to drink up everything, is I'm surprised she admitted it happened once, I would have tried for "Never got physical, not even once, just inappropriate behavior".

Oh and if your certainity on her fidelity during deployments comes from the same place where you found your belief of her words when she said it happened that once, I would take a look into those events, too...


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## niceguy28

OP if you are real then she is still playing you like a drum. She has an affair with this guy and then keeps on seeing him and you somehow think this is ok. She cheats on you because you are a door mat.


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## badmemory

Here's the bottom line OP,

For you to even consider accepting her continued contact with this PT, is mind numbing. What are you thinking? Are you so afraid of divorce that you'd rather be her willing cuckold? 

Go see an attorney and have divorce papers drawn up and ready to give her. Have another sit down with her. Plan on it being a short conversation. Tell her that you will no longer accept her continued contact with him, that she will be totally transparent so that you can verify it has ended; and that going forward - you expect her to demonstrate unconditional, sincere remorse for what she's done.

At her first utterance of non-compliance; you end the conversation, hand her the divorce papers, and leave the house for a while. Then, implement the 180 to detach from her. Separate your finances and go forward with the divorce until such time as she turns completely around. If that time never comes, you finish the divorce and move on with your life.


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## Acoa

Maxo said:


> This cannot be real. If it is,and someone this obtuse was in the military,our national security is not good.


It can be real, he is victim of believing the fantasy of the relationship he wants with is wife. He still can't believe the reality that is in front of his face. 

Been there, done that. It's a painful process to give up on the fantasy that your wife is honest and devoted. If he is at all like I was, there is likely some level of codependency in place. His sense of self and worth is tied up in the fantasy of his marriage. 

He just needs to open his eyes and come to grips with the fact that his wife isn't the person he believes, or wants to believe she is.


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## zzzman99

lambdamax6 said:


> It has been four months since D-Day. I (41M) am really not over my wife’s (40F) infidelity. I want to be, but I am not. It has been the most excruciating, traumatic event of my life to date. The affair started during a really tough time for her and I. I had suffered some serious professional setbacks, and we had lost a baby after 9 weeks of pregnancy. We also have two young children. Admittedly, we were not in a good place. I think about it daily and I cannot stop myself from doing so. I believe my wife when she tells me that she only slept with him once and that it is over. She told me that her and her AP realized that it was “wrong” and she did not want to destroy her marriage over it. However, they remained friends after sleeping together, and hid that relationship from me and our friends for two years. That being said, I still love her and always will. Here are the facts of the affair and how I see them. Please provide your thoughts.
> 
> 1.Wife began inappropriate texting relationship with her personal trainer (PT) in winter of 2014. I discovered it by seeing messages on her phone between them. The messages alluded to dinner and drinks together, especially on occasions when I was not around or working late.
> 2. I told her that I knew about it and that it should stop immediately in March of 2014. I explained that I was uncomfortable with this type of relationship and preferred that she should stop training with PT.
> 3. She claimed that she would stop the texting relationship, but she wanted to continue training with PT.
> 4. Later in that month, we went to dinner together, and said we would start working more on our communication.
> 5. Wife continued to train with PT, and deceptively meet him on occasion outside the gym (coffee, dinner). Some time in April/May of that year, she slept with PT. I did not find out about this for sure until two years later, but I had been suspecting and never had evidence.
> 6. My wife changed his name on her phone from PT to other women’s names (Rose/Veronica, whatever) to conceal their communication.
> 7. She continued to text him and see him (later she admitted as “friends only”) throughout 2015
> 8. In March of 2015, she lied and said she was going out with her friends, but instead went out with PT and drank too much. She ended up in a Holiday Inn Express hotel room. I discovered this by seeing a strange charge on our cc the following day.
> 9. I confronted her about the hotel. Initially she lied and said she had no idea about the hotel room and she really had gone out with her friends. When pressed, she fessed up and said that she had gone out with PT and drank too much, could not drive home. She claimed that she did not sleep with him. Once again, I asked her to stop her relationship with him, but she refused.
> 10. She claimed that there was “nothing going on”, he was “not her type”, “he is just a personal trainer”.
> 11. I continued to monitor her cell and found that she had stayed in touch with him. I asked again for honesty regarding herr relationship sometime in early June after I had seen on the phone bill multiple texts between her and PT while I was working late. She denied everything and said I was being insecure.
> 12. From what I could tell, she saw him less in summer and fall of 2015, but she did see him. She continued to text him under pseudonyms.
> 13. I confronted her in late January of 2016. I was tired of the deception and I wanted the truth. my wife said that she were just really good friends and wanted to remain so. I wanted to support it at the time to move on, hoping she would be honest with me from this point on.
> 14. The following week, I took the girls to visit my mother and sister. She stayed home. The night we left, she visited PT. I knew when I came home because I checked her phone (re: text conversation with FAKE GIRL’S NAME). She withheld this information from me.
> 15. On 12 February, I discovered a revealing text in which she wrote that she had indeed slept with PT. This confirmed that she had been lying to me for two years.
> 16. I wanted to reconcile. I thought she did as well. So I wanted her to stop working out with him and seeing him. I preferred no contact at all. She said she would stop seeing him, but not working out with him. She is still working out with him, to my knowledge. She does not see him as far as I can tell and appears to be above board. Recently, she is beginning to transition to a new personal trainer (no affair there)
> 17. As part of my process of healing from the affair, I wanted to know details, where, when, etc…I needed to know everything. Initially, she told me about the night she
> slept with him in a detailed manner.
> 18. In later conversations, it became apparent that she did not want to talk about the affair with him with me. She got upset every time I brought it up.


Why not change the name of this post to : "I'm the world's biggest pVssy". Have some self-respect. Throw this trash to the curb. 

You have to have a back bone if you even have a chance. She does not respect you. Heck, no one on this board is going to respect you. I realize you are in a bad place, but alot of it is your doing.


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## Marduk

Listen.

The reason you can't let go is because your gut knows that you shouldn't.

You know 1% of what happened. Or less. Or even if it's actually over.

What you need to do is stop talking to your wife at all, and leave a divorce agreement on the table for her to sign.

And that's it.


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## MAJDEATH

OP, have you contacted the OM and told him to stay away from your W?


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## joe kidd

Save yourself. 
Let the bastard have her.


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## Vulcan2013

It sounds like your W will only admit to what you can prove. Other than that one thing, she was and is a loyal wife? Is that the case?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

No self respecting man would first believe her bs, and secondly if OP is real, he needs to grow a pair.


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## TRy

lambdamax6 said:


> She does still train with him occasionally. She certainly is not meeting him anymore outside their training sessions. Most of my issue is that she is so ashamed and ridden with guilt about her transgression, that she really does not want to talk about it. But I think I need to.


 If "She does still train with him", then she is not at all "ashamed and ridden with guilt about her transgression" with him now is she? It is mind blowing that she is in your face shamelessly still seeing him for any reason, and knowing this you have not filed for divorce.


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## TRy

happy as a clam said:


> Time to pull your head out of the sand..


 I would have used different words than "the sand", with the first word being "your", and the second word being a 3 letter word that starts with an "a" and ends with an "s".


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## TRy

lambdamax6 said:


> I believe my wife when she tells me that she only slept with him once and that it is over.


 Do you realize just how foolish you sound to everyone especially your wife when you say that "she slept with him once and that it is over" as if there is any way that could be true? 



lambdamax6 said:


> 5. Wife continued to train with PT, and deceptively meet him on occasion outside the gym (coffee, dinner). Some time in April/May of that year, she slept with PT.


 At least one time that she had sex with him.



lambdamax6 said:


> 8. In March of 2015, she lied and said she was going out with her friends, but instead went out with PT and drank too much. She ended up in a Holiday Inn Express hotel room. I discovered this by seeing a strange charge on our cc the following day.


 She lies to you so that she can secretly go on a date with someone that she has already for sure had sex with, drinks to much with him, and spends the night with him in a hotel room. In the states where infidelity is a factor in the divorce settlement, a jury would rule unanimously that beyond a reasonable doubt that they had sex in the hotel room. So this is at least one other time that they had sex, thus her claim that it happened only once is a lie beyond a reasonable doubt.


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## Herschel

Personal trainers, amirite? My entire job is to look hot, and then get you looking hot, and then **** you cause we are both so hot. Easy pickings on those 30s and 40s women (and men) who are feeling their age, having issues in their marriage and have some hot dude watching their ass clench and tits bounce. Never trust your spouse going to a PT.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsmart

A female personal trainer is not going to be interested in any man that she has to help get in shape. Woman look up not down for a man. Now male personal trainers clean up. 

Middle aged married mothers are the easiest pickings. Bored of their husbands routines, tired of the pedestal most husbands have their wives on. Trainer is telling them what to do, these woman want to submit to a strong man. There husbands are weak yes men they don't respect. Now throw in a hot bod into the mix these women will get pretty wanton. Supposedly low drive women become nymphs overnight.


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## michzz

Cut the guy some slack, he is having a hard time processing who he thought his wife is with who she really is. That is a hugely traumatic and difficult thing to do.

Some are totally unprepared for realizing how deceptive a spouse can be.

The ugliness of the cheating behavior is really damaging in a PTSD kind of way.

I wish the guy luck-- and a divorce that doesn't wipe him out.


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## KJ_Simmons

To me, there are reconcilable affairs and then there are those that aren't. Yours is not!

A continued and sustained betrayal in the face of damning evidence being revealed means she is not worthy of your time and affection. Ditch her like a bad cold brother.

And let me put a number on this for you....I'd say she slept with him over 100 times. Does that wake you up?


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

It would seem that the OP is a cheater's dream husband. Like a previous poster mentioned, he's basically paying the OM to have sex with his wife, and has for the last 2 years.

Like a babe in the woods.


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## Be smart

Sorry you are here my friend.

Your wife is Cheating on you and your kids for two years. Time for you to Divorce her. I really dont know why you belive her lies. 

She is going to motel rooms with her personal trainer. You really think they play cards there ???

TWO YEARS wtf. 

Maybe you are ok with all of this.


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## jewels465

Are you still there OP?


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## EleGirl

I just deleted several posts suggesting that the OP is a troll. It's against forum rules to call anyone a troll. If you think that a poster is a troll, report the post and the poster. DO NOT CALL THEM OUT AS A TROLL.

Going forward on this thread, suggesting/calling the OP a troll will get you banned.

{speaking as a moderator}


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## MattMatt

If you think another TAM member is a fake, you do know you do not have to call them out on TAM? 

You can put them on ignore, or resist the temptation to comment or even use the Report button.

Oops! Just noticed EleGirl's post!


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