# Husband had a EA that lead to a one time PA, any other woman in this situation?



## never2L8 (Jan 9, 2012)

I have head from many men who have been cheated on or have cheated. I would love to hear from other women in my situation. 

Recap, while I was struggling to stay in my teaching job, which I ultimately lost, my h was contacted by an ex girlfriend from college via email. He talked to her about how frustrated he was with the situation I was going through and how he felt neglected. Our family has struggled for years with money and me losing my job just added to the problems. Because she lives across the state, they only met up once. He continued to talk to her until I found out a week before Christmas. 

I wrote her via Facebook and email telling her to stay away. He no longer has any contact with her. My husband says that he wants to make or marriage work. We started counseling last week. 

To make matters worse, she was only able to find my h because my snl gave her his email address after I told her I was not comfortable with that. Now his family has shunned me for accusing her of meddling. 

I read the emails he wrote to her and they are all very childish. He called her his "soulmate". When I tried to get her number from him, he kept repeating that she was a "good girl" and she was upset with what had happened and to leave her alone. 

I am hurt that he called her his soulmate and that he still defends her actions and calls her a good girl. 

Right now, I am still all over the place. I have anxiety attacks, crying fits, and even times when I am wanting to get physical again. I am a mess. I don't want to let him off too easy, but I don't want to lose him either. 

If you are a wife who has been through this, please help me understand what I am going through and how to cope with all these different emotions.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are many women here who have been cheated on. I was quite some time ago.

Your pain is real. It takes 2-5 years to emotionally recover from an affair. The emotional pain is up there at the level of the death of a loved one. 

One of the main things that has to happen is that your husband has to prove to you again that he is trust worthy. He needs to write a no-contact letter to the OW (other woman). Then you and he send it to her together. He needs to give you the passwords for all of his online accounts, his computer, his cell phone. There has to be total transparency. If he does not do these things and agree that you can check any time you want to, you will never trust him again. He cannot ever have any contact with this woman again.

He should also give you her telephone number and let you do whatever you choose.. like call her. Is she in a relationship with someone else? Is she married? If she is, you need to inform her husband of the affair.

Does his family realize that he had a PA with her?


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## shotthroughtheheart (Jan 11, 2012)

Agree with EleGirl, and also understand your emotional reactions. Your husband defending this women is unacceptable. I hope counseling will point this out to him. The description he gave of a women who cheats, deceives and chases a married man is not a good girl and he needs to realize this and stop defending her. However, don't you assign all the blame to her! He was the one that hurt you and broke his vows to you, she vowed nothing to you, but he did! Also, the snl may not have realized the outcome of providing the email, so as was mentioned, if they do not know about the pa, then it may be innocent, If they did, then stay away from them, they are not supportive. 
I can totally relate to your pain. We are not naturally geared to handle this situation, what exactly are we supposed to feel and how are we supposed to grieve the loss of our love? Sex is hard too, hard not to see them, wonder about them...I understand and can tell you after four years, it can still mess with my head. But you must try to put it aside and see the man that is before you now. You will only be able to do this if your husband does like EleGirl says, and more. He needs to work hard to make ammends for the hurt and pain he caused you. He needs to acknowledge the personal and emotional injury he inflicted and then do something about it. But you will also need to acknowledge that there may be changes needed on your part too, you may have to own up to ways that you failed to meet his emotional needs. That is hard, but if you love him you will do it. You do need to regain some of your dignity soon, you can not throw this up constantly and do try hard not to fall apart in front of him, even if he is truly sorry, men really can't cope with our emotional breaks and it turns them away and defeats them. I know the last thing you want to do is try to take any responsibility for his wandering, but lets face it, we women sometimes forget how we used to attract the opposite sex, it was not by emotional outbursts and looking like a rag that can't take care of herself! He needs to do his part, but even if he does not, work on improving yourself and even in these times, work on regaining employment. It will be good for you. Holding it together, and doing anything to become a strong attractive women is the best thing you can do for yourself as well as your marraige. Even if the marraige fails, you keep the improvements you made and you can move on easier maybe even meet a better man that appreciates you. Keep going to counseling, but if a counselor is not working, the net is full of good free advice. Things are easier when you keep friends and family out of it so be careful who you confide in. If you both do this, and it will take time, yes even years, sex will become wonderful again, you will laugh and love again. It is possible, but make no mistake it is not easy! I do hope the best for you


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

I want to calmly and without causing a confrontation 

Point out that men (HUSBANDS) can find themselves in the same situation you are in, and find it equally painful.

My best advice for the "how to cope" question is this:

Realize you cannot change other people.

Also realize you are in complete control of your own happiness.

Research what they call 'round here a 180. Implement it.

Start digging deep down in yourself to understand what you are FEELING. This is what is causing your emotional roller coaster. Start dealing with your FEELINGS instead of your reactions.

Then understand you have no responsibility whatsoever for your WS and their decision to betray you. He made those decisions to satisfy needs he has as a result of disfunctions within himself. HIS ACTIONS ARE NOT A REFLECTION OF YOUR SELF WORTH.

Separate your husbands behavior from your husband as a person. Decide if you want your husband as a person enough to live with the consequences of his behavior. If so, commit yourself to working on R. You'll feel alone in this process, for a while at least. 

If you don't want your husband the person enough to offset his terrible behavior, then file for D and move on with your life.

Come to these forums for advice and to vent your frustrations. Everyone who posts here UNDERSTANDS and can SYMPATHIZE with how you are feeling. I know that I feel like this is the only place where things make sense sometimes...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Do you want to stay married to him or not?

Everything you are experiencing is normal--the roller coaster of emotions that come after betrayal.

His family are idiots for shunning you. They have the problem, not you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Your pain is real. It takes 2-5 years to emotionally recover from an affair. The emotional pain is up there at the level of the death of a loved one.


*Question:* Where does everyone get the 2-5 years recovery for an affair info from???


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## never2L8 (Jan 9, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Do you want to stay married to him or not?
> 
> Everything you are experiencing is normal--the roller coaster of emotions that come after betrayal.
> 
> His family are idiots for shunning you. They have the problem, not you.


YES! I very much want to stay married to him. I love him. He is the only person I have ever loved. 

His family is full of idiots. I need someone besides me to be outraged that his sister would disrespect my marriage and go behind my back, sending the ow my husbands email. What kind of person does that? Then when I ask her why, she denies it and runs to daddy. The woman is 32. Grow up, realize that you made a horrendous mistake and own up. I got yelled at for attacking my snl when I was the one wronged.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He needs to break off all contact with the OW first and foremost. Never ever contact her again. 

I would recommend total transparency from him, honesty and marriage cousnelling. Oh and a sincere apology and acknowledgement of WHY he knows he hurt you. He needs to own what he did 100%. 

Get tested for STDs.


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## never2L8 (Jan 9, 2012)

He has broken all contact. I made him go and get tested immediately. Thankfully, everything is clear. He didn't touch me for 6 months so I am clear too.
We have our second counseling session tonight. Last week was all intake, so we are ready to really begin.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why haven't you had sex in 6 months?


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## never2L8 (Jan 9, 2012)

???????

Not because I didn't want to. He had distanced himself from me. I was going through depression from losing my job and possibly my career. It just never happened.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You should definitely tackle that issue both at home and in MC.


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## never2L8 (Jan 9, 2012)

I know it hasn't helped my self esteem.


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## never2L8 (Jan 9, 2012)

What makes it worse, or 25th anniversary was in August. Right in the middle of all this.


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## cowgirl70 (Aug 10, 2011)

Oh boy my heart is breaking for you!! It has been close to a year since my D day. Of an EA and ONPA that hAppened years ago!! I know how you feel it is like a death!! You are in morning but in ways it is so much worse. 
I knew I loved my husband and was going to stay and work through this together! And I wasn't going to let his A Control my life!! I cried a lot wanted to crawl in a hole and just die I know a heart can really break because mine did! The flood of emotions are killers from sad to anger and hate! After a year I still have bad days but more good! The one good thing that came out of D day is I got the man I fell in love with back!! He is so caring, loving, kind! He got 13 years of guilt off his shoulders (his ONS was 13 years prior to Dday) he hated hiself and took total responsibility. We are so much happier now!! I also promised myself I would not convict him to a life sentence and throw it in his face every time he pissed me off!! He has suffered enough we both have!! You need to reach deep down and decide just how much control you are going to let this have over your life! It can only control as much as you let it!! I think of My H affair daily and I have tickers that spring up at awful times and during sex but I have to work hard to think of other things... HAPPIER things!! As far as your SNL goes! I would not give her or your inlaws another thought really either wasy he made the choice to do what he did!! She just fixed his dinner!! Your H was the one that sat at the table and ate it!! Concentrate on you and you H and focus on you and your recovery!! You can get through this believe me I know because I am! Good luck and keep your chin up and remember don't let it control your life take back control!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I was cheated on. D day#1 was March 13 2010, D day#2 was Nov 6 2010. Those days are burned into my brain and I NEVER want to live through what I have lived through again. Nor do I wish it on anyone else.

I think the 2-5 year thing comes from popular literature about recovering from infidelity. I have read it in books and on other sites a lot. It's like any other time frame - an average. Anyone could fall well outside that range.

Your husband has a lot of work to do if your marriage is to recover. Recover isn't the right word, though, because the marriage you had is over and done with. You will have to forge a new one together now, and he has to be the one to do most of the work. He is 100% responsible for cheating. The two of you are both responsible for the state of your marriage, but HE cheated, and HE has to make amends for that now.


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