# Help - is it my fault? My husband blames me for situations escalating



## aieslyn

Last night around 3am our son woke crying. I went to check on him and he wanted more milk in his bottle. As I am 36 weeks pregnant stairs are difficult for me and the process after being up a while makes it hard to go back to sleep for hours. Because I need my sleep right now, I asked my husband to do the milk run. While he got the milk I happened to check the time on his phone. I noticed an unopened message notification from his brother about restarting our business selling silk pillowcases via Google ads.

It is Friday night.

Earlier in the night my husband was acting odd with his phone. Keeping it at a distance from us near the TV. During the movie he regularly got up to check it. I couldn't help feeling he was waiting for a txt. At one point he started txting someone. He turned his screen away from me. When I asked who it was he delayed a reply. I had to ask 3 times before he answered dismissively saying it was his brother txting about restarting the business and google ads. I accepted this answer and put aside the feeling that something was amiss with his behaviour. Perhaps I was just being paranoid and reading into things.

Back to 3am.

When I checked the time and noticed the unopened message from his brother which seemed like a conversation starter about restarting the business, I couldn't help wondering if he had really been messaging with his brother earlier. When he came back from getting our son milk, I mentioned that I had seen an unopened notification on FB messenger from his brother about Google ads that seemed like a conversation starter and had he replied to his brother on a different platform?

He replied angrily and dismissively: no, he had been messaging his brother on messenger. Due to the shutdown nature of his reply I felt the need to ask for clarification - which may have been a mistake at this point - was it just been his brother he was messaging earlier?
His response to my question was to suddenly get really angry and yell "****ing *****" while pushing my head into the pillow. I stared crying and told him his behaviour was completely unjustified. He told me i shouldn't have asked further about the messages. He then angrily said he was going downstairs for a bit. I was left crying in our room.

I felt uncared for and scared and angry over what has just happened. After about 15 or 20 minutes (I'm guessing) of crying alone, I decided to venture down.

I went downstairs and told him how I was feeling: hurt by the way he had unreasonably lashed out at me, called me names, pushed my head into the pillow, blamed me for his behaviour and the escalating events and then left me crying alone.

He clearly felt no regret over his treatment of me nor concern for my feelings.

His response was to tell me I shouldn't have asked him questions about the txt and that I have no right to ask those questions. He went on to say he doesn't need to justify me with an answer...

I pointed out that in a normal relationship a wife should be able to ask he husband questions about anything that causes her to worry or feel concerned and, yes, I believe it normal to expect a non-violent and non-aggressive response - to expect some form of reassurance even.

He outright disagreed with me, elaborating I should expect no such thing and that I have no right to ask. He seemed to be implying that because I crossed some invisible line in asking, I deserve to be treated this way. I told him his standards nor response are normal and that I'm really upset and hurt by the way he had treated me.

I felt he was wrongfully blaming me for the situation and justifying wrong behaviour.

He then threatened me saying, if I cross this line in the future he won't be here to respond - implying he would leave me. He then told me not to touch his phone and that he was turning it off.

I felt this was a very immature response as the phone was not the issue, his behaviour was... I didn't voice these thoughts however, I was too upset and crying by this point.

In bed he remained cold to me, turing his back.I asked him to just be nice to me, please, and to give me a cuddle to sleep. He refused and told me, when I stop my crying he will cuddle me.

I felt he was being so very calloused and mean - which unfortunately had the effect of making me cry more. I couldn't help it.

Eventually he turned around and cuddled me. He slept but I didn't manage to sleep for some time after this.

It's Saturday morning and I feel emotionally drained as I write this. I am so hurt and confused and still feel teary. Was I wrong in how I behaved? Am I crazy to expect reassurance for my concerns and an apology for the way he behaved in response to a simple question?

I feel like I'm living in a warped universe him. I'm beginning to wonder if I have normal expectations and standards.

I greatly appreciate your insight. Thanks in advance 🙏


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## TJW

aieslyn said:


> told him how I was feeling: hurt by the way he had unreasonably lashed out at me, called me names, pushed my head into the pillow, blamed me for his behaviour and the escalating events and then left me crying alone.


This is the behavior of an ABUSER. I recommend you get a burner phone, or use someone else's phone, and call 800-799-SAFE - the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
THE HOTLINE

Follow their instructions, get you, your unborn, and your child, to a place of safety where he does not know where you are.

Do not threaten it, but if there is another occurrence of violence against you by your husband, call 911, ask for the police, and have his cowardly a$$ in irons. Do this immediately, and without hesitation, and don't change your mind about having him arrested and locked up.



aieslyn said:


> Am I crazy to expect reassurance for my concerns and an apology for the way he behaved in response to a simple question?


You are not at all crazy, you do not have unreasonable expectations in any way. Let any "apology" you get fall on your completely deaf ears. He now has to PROVE, over YEARS, that he has "done the work" necessary to assure he won't ever behave in this way again. Then some kind of "acceptance" of his apology would be appropriate, after you have seen him take it UPON HIMSELF to go to PROFESSIONAL TREATMENT for his violence issues.


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## Diana7

He is clearly hiding something but his reaction was very concerning. Has he been violent before? Is he usually secretive?

For me a person reacting like that and pushing my head in the pillow would be extremely concerning and I wouldn't trust that person. If he has ever done anything like that before it's even more dangerous.


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## Openminded

He’s told you where he stands and shown you what his actions will be when you do something he doesn’t like. You’ll have to decide where you stand and what your actions will be when he does something you don’t like (begging for attention from him shouldn’t be on the list).


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## Andy1001

If someone physically abuses you, call the cops. 
And what he did was physical abuse.


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## Chaotic

Has he acted like this before?!? As stated, this is abusive. No question. And manipulative besides.


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## Cynthia

I checked your profile and noticed a couple of things:

Your husband is able to log into and use your TAM account. Please change your password and do not have automatic log in. It is unsafe for you. You might also ask for a username chance to protect yourself, since your husband will possibly check up on you here.

Your husband has proven to be violent and dangerous over a long period of time. Please follow @TJW's advice and get help for domestic abuse. Your husband is a danger to your life, especially when you are pregnant. Statistics about domestic violence during pregnancy are disturbing. You are most vulnerable to abuse during this time.

The only way it would be justified for your husband to push your head into your pillow would be if you were attacking him and he was trying to protect himself. But that is not what happened. You are not safe with him.

I know this is hard to hear, but it's the truth. Please, please, please follow @TJW's advice and get help immediately. There is no time to spare. You, your born child, and your unborn child are in danger.

As far as your husband's phone goes, I think you have bigger problems than concerns about cheating. This man is not worth your time and energy. He is a mean, abusive husband. However, he is certainly doing something on his phone that he doesn't want you to know about. It doesn't matter what it is, because clearly it is something you would find offensive or he wouldn't be hiding it from you. He doesn't care about that and has told you, by his behavior.


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## ccpowerslave

I only got to the part where he was pushing your head. NOT OK. NOT NORMAL. I’m sorry you’re going through this but this is not right.


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## Blondilocks

I don't understand why you wanted to have a go at 3 am. Guess you didn't need your sleep after-all.


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## SunCMars

Blondilocks said:


> I don't understand why you wanted to have a go at 3 am. Guess you didn't need your sleep after-all.


Go back to when _you_ were pregnant. 

Your emotions and feelings, they never go to sleep.
It seems, they are not permitted to.

Being pregnant, and feeling uncomfortable and anxious is a major understatement.


_Mabel-_


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## fluffycoco

maybe he has a lot of pressure for the business already, and you have been nagging too much ? 
Just guessing ....


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## Evinrude58

Where’s the anger coming from?
His reaction is totally not normal.
Innocent people don’t get defensive and rage.
But your husband..... sounds like he needs to be an ex. Sorry, it’s your life. I have no idea why you’d have kids with a man that acts like this. There’s gotta be more to this story.


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## LisaDiane

NO, this is NOT normal or acceptable behavior at all, and I can't believe you are tolerating it.
If anyone pushed me or touched me to hurt me, I wouldn't try to understand their feelings, I would say, "get your effing hands OFF ME", and then I would LEAVE.

If you allow this, it will only escalate from here. ANYONE who believes they have a right to use physical force to cause pain to oppress and intimidate cannot be reasoned with or compromised with. And he's lying to you to escape any responsibility for being an abusive coward. 

THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR HIS BEHAVIOR. You need to get away from him before he really hurts you.


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## aieslyn

TJW said:


> This is the behavior of an ABUSER. I recommend you get a burner phone, or use someone else's phone, and call 800-799-SAFE - the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
> THE HOTLINE
> 
> Follow their instructions, get you, your unborn, and your child, to a place of safety where he does not know where you are.
> 
> Do not threaten it, but if there is another occurrence of violence against you by your husband, call 911, ask for the police, and have his cowardly a$$ in irons. Do this immediately, and without hesitation, and don't change your mind about having him arrested and locked up.
> 
> 
> 
> You are not at all crazy, you do not have unreasonable expectations in any way. Let any "apology" you get fall on your completely deaf ears. He now has to PROVE, over YEARS, that he has "done the work" necessary to assure he won't ever behave in this way again. Then some kind of "acceptance" of his apology would be appropriate, after you have seen him take it UPON HIMSELF to go to PROFESSIONAL TREATMENT for his violence issues.


Thanks TWJ for your advice - I just feel so confused and scared. He is not like this all of the time and can be really nice to me day to day outside of these moments. I will think on all you habe said and thank you for your utter honesty, I'm sure I need to hear this 🙏


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## aieslyn

Evinrude58 said:


> Where’s the anger coming from?
> His reaction is totally not normal.
> Innocent people don’t get defensive and rage.
> But your husband..... sounds like he needs to be an ex. Sorry, it’s your life. I have no idea why you’d have kids with a man that acts like this. There’s gotta be more to this story.


He wasn't this always way. He has struggled with substance abuse/addictive traits since I first met him but back then I didn't realise the extent of his dependence... I believe this combined with the stress of life and family life, having young children, and we had issues arise because he lied, hid things from me, emotionally betrayed me and lost my trust I can often feel unsafe or insecure in our life together. I have managed to put a lot of it behind me and forgiven him however whenever he does something abrasive and insensitive I get scared and all the feels arise again. So, yes, we have a history. Perhaps this has something to do with the escalation of events. His drug/alcohol use also makes him unpredictable especially if he is sleep deprived. I try to be understanding and to help him and believe he can change and things have actually improved but he still has his moments...


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## aieslyn

Blondilocks said:


> I don't understand why you wanted to have a go at 3 am. Guess you didn't need your sleep after-all.


I couldn't sleep as I was feeling stress and worried over this.


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## aieslyn

fluffycoco said:


> maybe he has a lot of pressure for the business already, and you have been nagging too much ?
> Just guessing ....


The business is both of ours and there is pressure on us both. I don't think I nag but I do voice complaints when i feel that something is completely unfair amd the issue has been ignored repeatedly. Thanks you for your input, i will reflect on myself and think on whether i "nag" too much.


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## aieslyn

Cynthia said:


> I checked your profile and noticed a couple of things:
> 
> Your husband is able to log into and use your TAM account. Please change your password and do not have automatic log in. It is unsafe for you. You might also ask for a username chance to protect yourself, since your husband will possibly check up on you here.
> 
> Your husband has proven to be violent and dangerous over a long period of time. Please follow @TJW's advice and get help for domestic abuse. Your husband is a danger to your life, especially when you are pregnant. Statistics about domestic violence during pregnancy are disturbing. You are most vulnerable to abuse during this time.
> 
> The only way it would be justified for your husband to push your head into your pillow would be if you were attacking him and he was trying to protect himself. But that is not what happened. You are not safe with him.
> 
> I know this is hard to hear, but it's the truth. Please, please, please follow @TJW's advice and get help immediately. There is no time to spare. You, your born child, and your unborn child are in danger.
> 
> As far as your husband's phone goes, I think you have bigger problems than concerns about cheating. This man is not worth your time and energy. He is a mean, abusive husband. However, he is certainly doing something on his phone that he doesn't want you to know about. It doesn't matter what it is, because clearly it is something you would find offensive or he wouldn't be hiding it from you. He doesn't care about that and has told you, by his behavior.


Thanks for your advice I shall do this 🙏


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## Bulfrog1987

I think you chose the wrong time to be questioning him and I would have pocketed that tid bit of info and remained watchful myself. If my husband has pushed my head into a pillow while I'm in bed and pregnant non the less... My husband has blocked me in a room before, got in my personal space even. 

I never begged him for cuddles, how ridiculous. You need to seek out some kind of help and not allow this to happen again.


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