# separation???



## tkdan (Dec 2, 2008)

My wife and I are kind of separated at the moment. She did leave and stay at her mom's for three weeks. We would still see each other every day because we have kids together. A few days back she came back home but is sleeping in one of the kids rooms. I did a lot of selfish and hurtfull things to her over thirteen years. She rightfully has a lot of resentment built up towards me.

We have been going to a marriage counsulor for a few weeks now. That seems to be going well. My wife says she needs time to work through her resentments if she is going to be able to love me again the way a wife should love her husband.

It was very difficult for a while I could not understand how things could get this bad when I had no clue she was so unhappy. I finally had to accept things the way they are in order to maintain my sanity.

We have been getting along great. We are just being friends to each other right now which is all she is ready for now. We have not had this much fun together and laughed this much in so long. I can see now something was definately missing from our marriage. 

Anyway been in a tough spot for a while but things seem to be looking up. As long as I do not expect immediate changes I don't set myself up for dissapointment when they do not happen and things are a lot easier for the both of us.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

tkdan said:


> My wife and I are kind of separated at the moment. She did leave and stay at her mom's for three weeks. We would still see each other every day because we have kids together. A few days back she came back home but is sleeping in one of the kids rooms. I did a lot of selfish and hurtfull things to her over thirteen years. She rightfully has a lot of resentment built up towards me.
> 
> We have been going to a marriage counsulor for a few weeks now. That seems to be going well. My wife says she needs time to work through her resentments if she is going to be able to love me again the way a wife should love her husband.
> 
> ...


Patience is a virtue and you need patience here. It did not get that way overnight, nor will it be fixed immediately. Stay the course and keep making progress!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

You have taken some important steps already. Keep moving forward. I’m glad you understand these things take time. What ever your behavior was that was hurtful, make sure you don’t fall backwards in your promises to her. One step forward, 20 steps back if you get my drift. Falling back in love can be difficult to do. You didn’t get here overnight, you won’t recover quickly either. Good luck.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

tkdan said:


> My wife says she needs time to work through her resentments if she is going to be able to love me again the way a wife should love her husband.


do you know/understand what she resents?


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Any other history you can provide, so we know what is exactly going on? Does she resent any specific one thing or just an overall resentment of you? There is a difference.


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## tkdan (Dec 2, 2008)

History... I'm a recovering alcoholic. She endured years of watching my destroy myself with drinking. Many of the alcoholic traits lingered into sobriety such as selfish, self centered, inconsiderate, harsh behavior, being disconnected from her and the kids, never noticing her needs because I was so wrapped up in my own little world.

She actually resents the fact that it had to come to this for me to start putting her needs first instead of my own, and for me to be willing to sit and talk about what is going on with her. I honestly had no idea things were this bad or that I was doing so much damage to the one I love most.

She is trying really hard to work things out. She has said that she is willing to give as much time and effort as it takes. I'm a very lucky man to have her still by my side after all that she has been through.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

tkdan said:


> History... I'm a recovering alcoholic. She endured years of watching my destroy myself with drinking. Many of the alcoholic traits lingered into sobriety such as selfish, self centered, inconsiderate, harsh behavior, being disconnected from her and the kids, never noticing her needs because I was so wrapped up in my own little world.
> 
> She actually resents the fact that it had to come to this for me to start putting her needs first instead of my own, and for me to be willing to sit and talk about what is going on with her. I honestly had no idea things were this bad or that I was doing so much damage to the one I love most.
> 
> She is trying really hard to work things out. She has said that she is willing to give as much time and effort as it takes. I'm a very lucky man to have her still by my side after all that she has been through.


She loves you-a lot, or she would not have stuck around as long as she has. Be patient with her and give her time to work through everything she needs to right now. Be there for her if needed, but allow time for her to clear her thoughts too.

You said you are a recovering alcoholic. Congrats to you for taking the first step in healing. Keep up the good work!


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

tkdan said:


> History... I'm a recovering alcoholic. She endured years of watching my destroy myself with drinking. Many of the alcoholic traits lingered into sobriety such as selfish, self centered, inconsiderate, harsh behavior, being disconnected from her and the kids, never noticing her needs because I was so wrapped up in my own little world.
> 
> She is trying really hard to work things out. She has said that she is willing to give as much time and effort as it takes. I'm a very lucky man to have her still by my side after all that she has been through.


lucky??? yes you are!!!

AA, individual counseling, self help books...bury yourself in taking care of what you neglected for so long...this could be the beginning of something VERY good for you.


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## tkdan (Dec 2, 2008)

Thanks for the encouragement. Sometimes I feel so alone in this. I'm starting to cope with it much better. When this all started I could not give it a rest. I'd push her for answers she was not ready to give yet and I almost pushed her out completely. Now I realize she does have to have the time and space she requested. It is not as hard now. We do have a much better relationship now compared to two weeks ago. Sometimes I get lonely but I know she is not far and it will take time to heal.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

tkdan said:


> Thanks for the encouragement. Sometimes I feel so alone in this. I'm starting to cope with it much better. When this all started I could not give it a rest. I'd push her for answers she was not ready to give yet and I almost pushed her out completely. Now I realize she does have to have the time and space she requested. It is not as hard now. We do have a much better relationship now compared to two weeks ago. Sometimes I get lonely but I know she is not far and it will take time to heal.


no, you are not alone. i am travelling the same road. my wife was never a very good communicator (quite possibly i was not a very good listener) and i didn't catch the signs...until i had a stroke...over the months of care that she burdened...she ran out of something...anyway, one day i did something stupid...had a beer after mowing my lawn...and she flipped out!!! so now we are separated and i am trying like hell to keep my family from imploding. read my thread "separated...killing me...help" and you'll understand that i get where you're coming from. you are not alone.


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