# He had an affair, and I greatly need advice...



## breakable (Nov 13, 2009)

I'll start of by saying that I am 20 years old, and my husband is 21 years old.
We met when I was 17 and had an AMAZING relationship.
We got pregnant with our daughter after 6 months of dating.
When she turned one, we got married.

My husband has been unhappy for quite some time, and though he tried to talk to me I just couldn't quite grasp it.
We have both been unhappy in our marriage for over a year, and lately things have been rough...

My parent's divorced recently after 21 years, my mother dropped a bomb on me that she is moving over 2,000 miles away to be with her new boyfriend and I just got dragged 5 1/2 hours away from everything I've known.

Things got very very bad with me.... I started taking it out on my husband because I felt issues discussing it. The internet became a huge problem as well, almost consuming me to where I was spending 16 hours a day on it, completely ignoring my husband.

I went out of town to see my mom off, and was gone for a little over a week. In this time, he had an affair.
He met the girl at work, and two days after I left - had her over and had sex with her in my bed...

They had sex three times (or so I am told). I found out on October 30th, and though my gut tells me to leave - my heart tells me to stay and work things out.

I am 100% sure he has not seen or speaken to this woman. My issue is, I am having trouble letting go. I am unsure if he is staying with me out of want or what the hell is going on...

Things were going decent, and last night he hurt my feelings badly.
He got drunk, and asked me if I could have my very bestfriend over and have a threesome.

When we had first started dating, I came out that I was bisexual and was interested in a threesome, and he refused. He is a very jealous person, and does not entertain the idea of "sharing" me with another.
He has been this way from day one, up until this affair.

I know I lack skills in the bedroom, and have been trying my hardest... I know this has been a problem in our relationship for quite some time.
I now feel like he wants another girl in the bedroom because he has become bored of me.
It hasn't been two weeks since I found out, and I feel that he should not have asked me....

I feel like he wants to introduce another girl into the bedroom because it's not cheating if he's ****ing her while I am there.

I am having serious doubts about this relationship... and I am unsure if he cares...

I don't know what I am looking for, I suppose for advice, guidance - possibly a little bit of insight?

I just know this man has my entire heart, and all I want is for him to be happy - but I feel like he is unhappy with me.


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## breakable (Nov 13, 2009)

Please someone help...


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## Liam (Nov 13, 2009)

This whole situation sounds very unhealthy to me. Nothing gives him the right to sleep with someone else(in your bed, no less). You have a child together, so I can understand that it's probably really hard for your to consider ending the marriage. I think you need to find out _why_ he had an affair, and _why_ he wants a threesome. Personally, I don't think it's because he's bored of you, I think it's more because he is selfish and doesn't respect you or the marriage as much as he should. Maybe things will get better, but there's a better chance of that if you two actually talk everything through and try and understand where each other is coming from.


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## breakable (Nov 13, 2009)

Liam said:


> This whole situation sounds very unhealthy to me. Nothing gives him the right to sleep with someone else(in your bed, no less). You have a child together, so I can understand that it's probably really hard for your to consider ending the marriage. I think you need to find out _why_ he had an affair, and _why_ he wants a threesome. Personally, I don't think it's because he's bored of you, I think it's more because he is selfish and doesn't respect you or the marriage as much as he should. Maybe things will get better, but there's a better chance of that if you two actually talk everything through and try and understand where each other is coming from.


We have talked about why it occurred.
With just watching my parents divorce, he saw how my mother acted towards my father. I can admit, I treated my husband the same way... I completely understand why he felt the way he did... but that doesn't justify it.

In fact, the night before I left to go be with my mother I told him I saw it as a trial seperation, and I possibly would not come back.

He told me, he had tried to get through to me for so long and I just did not see how horrible things had gotten, and when I got worse he really thought it was over.
He told me he had no intentions of having an affair, just merely went to the other woman for comfort as they were both having issues in their relationships.

I feel very disrespected by his request... 
I want to sit down and talk again, but I don't exactly know what to do or say...

I can hardly think, so many things have swirled through my mind


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

So he had some flimsy reasons for the affair (a trial separation isn't a divorce). But what's his excuse for the request? And how smart is it to ask for someone else in bed (again) after just cheating? How is that trying to reestablish trust and rebuild the relationship.

Does he have any remorse? Does he beg forgiveness? In most cases where it was an "accident" (ha ha) there is crying and begging. You don't mention any so maybe he just wants out but can't figure out how to maturely say it.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

If you truly love each other - TRULY! You need to sit down with him, have a serious conversation about how you both feel and try everything you can to work it out. It can get better, much better, but only if both of you are willing to put each other first and listen to each others needs.

But, it's a two way street so if either one of you have doubts about the love for the other - it won't work and you may have to move on.

I am just saying that all is not lost if you hit this bump in your marriage and you are both still in love with each other.

Most marriages fail due to lack of simple communication. Pay attention to each others needs and follow through and things will work out but you have to verbally define it.

Men and woman are wired differently, Men do not get subtle hints very well; you need to spell it out for them in a very understanding and loving way. Don't demean them by being patrinizing or sarcastic. Just my thought. I hope the best for you.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Breakable,

I am you, but I'm the H. Things had been difficult between my w and I and she tried to reach me. By the time I heard she was at least in an EA. I've tried on my part but to no avail. I wasn't given the time needed to truly change myself, although I continue to do so.

I don't have advice, but just to say that it takes 2 to tango. Yes you had issues, but so did he. He just doesn't realize it nor do you right now. When a marriage goes south, both parties are responsible. So don't give up if you love him. But it will only get better if he realizes his own issues. And obviuosly the affair he had will be a big issue. 

I know it is hard, but you will heal no matter what happens between the two of you. You have to ask yourself if you love him, and could you ever forgive him.


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## busybee (Nov 14, 2009)

I know everyone will blast me for this but:

Could it be possible that he was trying to make you feel better about the cheating by having a threesome (which you stated your were bisexual) with your friend? Eventhough that is a horrible way to go about it, he may not have been thinking clearly (you stated he was drunk) and in his own thought process may have been trying to help make you feel better about it?! 

I think that if you want to work on it, then you two should try counseling together and set small goals for the time being. Work on the communication first as it sounds like thats where the problems started.


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## respect (Nov 14, 2009)

The whole situation has it's problems, but you also have to think about your daughter. What message are you sending her if you stay together. Is it the message you want her to take to her relationships. I'm the last one who wants to see a marriage end but some times it has to be done for your children. It won't be easy on your own but that doesn't make staying together the right choice.


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