# Husband tells me "get over yourself" when crying



## toomuchlove87 (Jan 10, 2012)

If I get upset about something, or he has said something mean to me and I tell him how upset it made me, he tells me to "get over myself" and to stop acting like a spoiled brat. 

I am 27 years old and I try really hard, and have been trying really hard to make my husband happy but it just never works. Nothing I do works. A lot of people suggested that I was spending too much time away from home, so I offer to spend more time at home. He tells me that's not the problem, he wants me to put him first. So I try to do that, I make sure I make enough money for him, pay the bills, make sure his daughter has clothes, that he has clothes, make sure he can do the things he wants, and still I get comments like this said to me. 

We recently had a conversation about money, and I tried to approach the conversation equally where we had both messed up with money. We made close to four thousand dollars from puppy sales, my husband and I sell bassett hound puppies once a year in Oregon. We charge 600 for girls and 550 for boys, and ensure they each go to good homes. All puppies are reserved a week after they are born, and they come back to use if the owners do not want them. Anyway, we had four thousand dollars so I say to my husband, "it would be great if we could pay off some of the credit cards" 
He looks at me and says, "That money is already spoken for"

I have learned through the years not the question him when he decides what to do with his money. Or what he considers his money. So I said ok, and that as long as we could pay all the bills there was no issues. Because honestly thats all I care about are paying the bills. 

A week passes, I've paid some bills, he's spent some money, and I go look at our account and we're negative 115.00 dollars. I call, his response is why did I overdraw our account. 

I told him all I did was pay bills, he was clearly upset at the overdrawn balance he said he watched his money really carefully. I said "Honey, sometimes you have a hard time keeping track of what you spend through the app, are you sure you didn't miscalculate?"

He was furious... he ranted on and on for about five minutes about how cool I am when I overdraw the account and how upset I get when its him that does it. I said, "I'm not upset when I do it because I know its for a bill, but when you do its usually because you wrote a check to someone and forgot about it." 

Quietness was on the phone, stagnant air and finally all I heard was "F*** You" and he hung up. 

I've tried to many different ways to have these conversations, I stopped calling him names I have talked to him calmly and haven't gotten upset. Even this conversation when I got a barrage of angry texts I just ignored them. I just don't know what I am doing wrong anymore... sometimes we have to talk about these issues but he is just always offended when someone says its him that has the problem. It wasn't me because I didn't buy anything except pay bills.. we had four thousand dollars to work with, bills are close to 2300 but I'd already paid three or four a week before. So I probably spent 1300 towards bills. 

When I talked to him a day later and told him how upset I was about him telling me F*** You, he responded with "Get over yourself and stop acting like an F***ing child."

Help?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Do you have children?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

technovelist said:


> Do you have children?


If not, please don't until you two can get on the same page with a budget, goals and learning how to communicate in a respectful manner. One thing is for sure, he spent the money and doesn't want you to know what he spent it on.

You may want to consider separate bank accounts. When the puppies are sold, he gets half & you get half.

If his daughter is not yours, then let him provide the clothing.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> I make sure I make enough money for him, pay the bills, make sure his daughter has clothes, that he has clothes, make sure he can do the things he wants, and still I get comments like this said to me.


 If you have your own job, have you thought about opening your own checking account --and leaving his to himself...to avoid this sort of thing ever happening again...

It sounds there has been overdrafts, teetering close to the edge, neither knows who is withdrawing what.. this has to be very costly.. and would cause anyone to get angry. 

It's very helpful, with any joint account, when 1 (very responsible) person is in charge of handling all the bills...

Each can only see their side.. it's petty.. it's counterproductive.. you've both made mistakes here.... this is where you are.. 

NOW it's .. what can we do to CHANGE THIS DYNAMIC so we can take control of our finances, and find peace again... no more wasting money on bank fees ! 

One thing is certain..you both want this...Start there..


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

sounds like he has difficulty controlling his emotions (anger management might be in order) and he does not treat you as a partner or an equal but as someone of less standing than he. you could use some counseling on budget management but sounds likely he would not participate. get some for yourself as well perhaps as more counseling. 
are you ever in fear from his angry outbursts?


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

I have seen movies where the P**P treated women like that....I have never seen a MAN treat his wife like that. How hard would it be to disentangle yourself from this person, and leave him...


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## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

This is presumably the same husband who wrote secret letters to women in prison and on dating sites and expressed his love for them.

The reason you're still with this guy and putting up with this abuse and disrespect is exactly what?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Based on how you describe this, your H is acting like an abusive bully. That's him.
You don't have healthy boundaries in this relationship -that's you.

Quick fixed you find on line about fights over the checking account won't fix this. Are there kids? Do you have family nearby?


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## pickil65 (Oct 15, 2015)

Putting him first is NOT buying him things, that means he thinks you put money and your job over him and you don't care about him at all he could care less about having the money he feels that he is not the most important thing in your life, which is probably exactly what my hubby thinks of me right now, in responding to your post I think I have answered my own question with my issue today. LOL

Anyways, the saying its the little things that count is very true. Put him first, over your job over money, everything should be you and him first. Surprise him with breakfast, etc.. Small things. Especially if he is not working right now, that could be a tender spot, me and my hubby are fight because he is not working right now and he is taking everything personally. Men's emotions are different then women's. I added my hubby to my checking account when we got married and it took me a while to get used to someone else taking money out of the account besides me. 

Give him control over the bills, let him pay everything see how long that lasts. What I do is I have 1 email address that is set up solely for bills all of my online accts go to that email address and then whoever is doing the finances I can change the forwarding email address so I get them if I am paying the bills. I found that it gets easier to pay the bills if both my hubby and I work on it together. Sit down with him and say can you help me pay the bills? Ask him for help and maybe when he sees those credit card bills he will understand.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

The only way I see that you can deal with this problem is to split up the bills and have separate bank accounts. My wife and I had the same problem and this, for the most part, seemed to fix the issue. If only the other issues we face were so easy to fix.


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