# wife too shy



## Akira (Oct 24, 2011)

First, i would like to introduce myself, i just found this site on yahoo search hehehe. Im akira, 32, married to a 24 yo woman, that i love.
Well, my history is kinda simple, my wife has a kind of diabetes that makes her less interested in sex, i dont know how this affects our problems as you will see. She is very shy, i dont know why and she is not the talking type, i tried to talk to her lots of times, didnt work. She doesnt even like to have sex with the lights on, she says everything tickles, her nipples, her neck, everything, including her clit after she had an orgasm (or faked orgasm, not really sure what to think).
I tried a lot of stuff, and im kinda... hmmm... well, im not embarassed at all, i like a lot of stuff, between walls, im what some people call shameless lol. she is young, im 8 years older, when i try something different she reacts like it was degrading her. She doesnt tell me, but i know thats what she thinks, and ive already told her its not degrading at all.
Well, im not sure what i can do in this situation, i like it dirty, i like toys, but she says its even disgusting to have my semen on her chest, belly. Im starting to think we are sexually imcompatible... this makes me sad coz i really love her, but i love sex and cant live without it... what should i do?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Akira said:


> First, i would like to introduce myself, i just found this site on yahoo search hehehe. Im akira, 32, married to a 24 yo woman, that i love.
> Well, my history is kinda simple, my wife has a kind of diabetes that makes her less interested in sex, i dont know how this affects our problems as you will see. She is very shy, i dont know why and she is not the talking type, i tried to talk to her lots of times, didnt work. She doesnt even like to have sex with the lights on, she says everything tickles, her nipples, her neck, everything, including her clit after she had an orgasm (or faked orgasm, not really sure what to think).
> I tried a lot of stuff, and im kinda... hmmm... well, im not embarassed at all, i like a lot of stuff, between walls, im what some people call shameless lol. she is young, im 8 years older, when i try something different she reacts like it was degrading her. She doesnt tell me, but i know thats what she thinks, and ive already told her its not degrading at all.
> Well, im not sure what i can do in this situation, i like it dirty, i like toys, but she says its even disgusting to have my semen on her chest, belly. Im starting to think we are sexually imcompatible... this makes me sad coz i really love her, but i love sex and cant live without it... what should i do?


Listen to her and work on yourself. She isn't wanting to please you because you haven't pleased her emotionally yet. You in fact make her uncomfortable. 

Put your "needs' aside and accept your wife for what she's willing to give you right now. As you work on yourself she will eventually want to please you sexually.

She's not too shy...

Turn that observation into a positive. 

Like: I love how you are coy when...

Validate her and accept her to eventually what you want.


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## Akira (Oct 24, 2011)

excellent answer, thank you very much... i think i understand how she may feel... a little at least... thats some progress... lol


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## kelevra (May 19, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Listen to her and work on yourself. She isn't wanting to please you because you haven't pleased her emotionally yet. You in fact make her uncomfortable.
> 
> Put your "needs' aside and accept your wife for what she's willing to give you right now. As you work on yourself she will eventually want to please you sexually.
> 
> ...


You gotta alot of work in front of you. Good luck "pleasing her emotionally" in the meantime meet your hand.


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## Akira (Oct 24, 2011)

we have sex on a regular basis, but its just the same over and over again, she doesnt like to try new stuff, even oral sex is kinda hard for her, she doesnt like me to turn the lights on, and she blushes when i put her on some embarassing positions, she is always afraid i dont like her taste on oral sex, even after a shower... the other day i bought a sex toy, and she doesnt want to try it, i thought it would help, but it made it worse... my complain is that its getting boring... after 7 years of having regular sex on 2 positions...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

No I think everyone's 'style' and their limits are hard and fast. When people here suggest the whole endless courtship thing they're talking about a woman who simply will not budge, will not make love. Because it's the man's fault. And maybe it is. Nonetheless you're talking about kinking it up with your wife - or what she considers to be kink. Those kinds of changes are pretty damn hard to make. Those objections are foundational. Why? Because they're not about sex they're about self identity. You can't do much to change how someone sees them self, what shames them and so forth. If your mate, man or woman is plain jane stare at the ceiling and think of England type - that's what they are. You might be able to unfreeze a little so that she doesn't flat out reject you. But she'll never be a porn queen.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

It`s highly unlikely she`s going to change her sexuality.

Didn`t you know she had these hang-ups before you married?


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## Akira (Oct 24, 2011)

i dont want a porn queen, and i surely dont want her to transform from one day to the other in another person. What i wanted from her is will to work on it, i dont know how to aproach that, i really want it to work, im not gonna stop trying, i really love her... its hard for me to be turned on by that traditional sex, lately i have been giving her oral sex and thats it... maybe i am the problem? it should be enough?


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## 20yrs (Sep 18, 2009)

You really love her - that's good. All you need to do now is prove it to her ...  i don't like some of the stuff you mentioned either - turns me off bad, but there are other ways to please her which will in turn please you.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Is your wife's diabetes under control? You mention that she seems to have some extreme skin sensitivity. Has she brought this up with her doctor? Sometimes skin sensitivities can be related to nerve issues that are result from diabetes.

Well, part of marriage is about growing together - but it's often that partners grow at difference paces during different times. The best thing the faster growing partner can do is be patient and create a respectful, trusting environment where the other person may eventually be able to flourish. You have to properly tend the garden if you expect the flowers to grow.

Whether your wife will respond in time or not, only time will tell, but what is there to lose in trying to create a more loving, affectionate, trusting environment for her?

If you currently pressure her or talk about this to her, then stop. Talking with someone about what you want sexually usually just makes the other person feel inadequate. Instead, use action. Work on non-sexual affection, flirting, and conversation throughout the day. When the environment is right, pushing a wee bit in a more novel sexual direction is likely to bring about a better response from her. And keep at it - that is part of what being married is about. Let her know that you appreciate and adore any efforts that she makes.

Best wishes.


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## Akira (Oct 24, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Is your wife's diabetes under control? You mention that she seems to have some extreme skin sensitivity. Has she brought this up with her doctor? Sometimes skin sensitivities can be related to nerve issues that are result from diabetes.
> 
> Well, part of marriage is about growing together - but it's often that partners grow at difference paces during different times. The best thing the faster growing partner can do is be patient and create a respectful, trusting environment where the other person may eventually be able to flourish. You have to properly tend the garden if you expect the flowers to grow.
> 
> ...


Yeah, you are right... im being impatient, i should try what you said and of course, talk to her doctor... thank you very much.


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## Akira (Oct 24, 2011)

Oh, sometimes when she is almost achieving orgasm she says she thinks she will pee and/or she feels tickles that che cant control... that makes her uncorfotable... and she asks me to stop... is that normal? (yes, im pretty unexperient for a 32 yo... i know)


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I can understand how an orgasm might scare some women. It's very intense, especially if it is new for her to climax from intercourse. I would say it is normal for a shy and sexually repressed woman.

Did you wait until marriage for sex?

I agree with RLD-too often, men on TAM are told to become more romantic and patient. It is not always the male who is wrong, when the woman does not wish to have sex. Maybe the woman is too high maintenance or selfish. Heaven forbid a husband want to make love, without jumping through hoops all the time!


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## Akira (Oct 24, 2011)

No we didnt wait untill marriage for sex, i think me and her, we are both unexperient on that. Ive been reading and trying to find information on the web, but its not always clarifying hehehe. You are helping a lot more than websites.
So you are basically saying that she may never want to have an orgasm? And that sensation of tickles and feeling that she is going to pee, is that normal before orgasm?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Has she ever masturbated and had an orgasm on her own? So she at least knows what it can feel like? 

Yes, sometimes an orgasm may make a woman feel like she has to urinate. She should urinate before you have sex, and she should work on her kegel exercises to strengthen the muscles in her pelvic region.

Go Ask Alice!: Am I coming or going?: Distinguishing between orgasm and urination


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## Akira (Oct 24, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Has she ever masturbated and had an orgasm on her own? So she at least knows what it can feel like?
> 
> Yes, sometimes an orgasm may make a woman feel like she has to urinate. She should urinate before you have sex, and she should work on her kegel exercises to strengthen the muscles in her pelvic region.
> 
> Go Ask Alice!: Am I coming or going?: Distinguishing between orgasm and urination


Wow, thank you a lot for that link... :smthumbup:


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