# Why don't men talk as much about their feelings / thoughts as women do?



## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

I noticed that men in general do not talk about what they are feeling / thinking as women. That leads to much confusion. A man is doing something. He has his reasons and they make much sense but since he does not share them nobody understands them.

Why are men like this?

I also noticed men often tell a women to do certain things but do not say WHY they want to have them done. 

Did you notice that in you or the men in your life? What are the reasons.

I used to ask my husband "Why did you not give any reasons?" and he said "I did not have the time". Explaining it in three little words would take less then 30 seconds.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Because men are competitive and since competing against women in the talking department is a losing venture, they don't bother.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I think men do talk about their feelings with women.
But I think when a person shuts down , most times it's because they feel they aren't being heard , or they feel misunderstood.

When men feel that way , they don't bother to try again.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

I agree with Caribbean Man, but I also think it works both ways.

My husband rarely talks about his feelings, and I don't generally ask about them. That might be a mistake on my part, but I personally don't talk much about my feelings and I utterly loathe the question "what are you thinking about?".

When my husband does talk about his feelings, though, I always make an effort to listen, to show I am listening, and to empathise if I can. I don't think my husband feels he can't talk to me about his feelings because he has never had a bad experience when doing that; I think he is just not all that interested in discussing them. The flip side of that coin is that he is not all that interested in discussing feelings, full stop. And if I discuss mine he is not very good at listening and empathising unless it is a real crisis like when my dog nearly died.

Mostly it suits us both well, but when I nearly walked out he was astonished to hear me say that I had not necessarily expected opposition to my suggestion we split because for all I knew he didn't love me any more and would be pleased to see the back of me. This turned out to be a wake up call and now he does ask from time to time if I feel loved.

An interesting question posed by the OP - one I shall think on more. Thanks.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I have tried talking to my wife before about feelings and other more mondane things. She then, at first opportunity, changes the subject to be something about her. I no longer talk......


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

yeah, feelings huh. I feel like a good samwich, maybe getting some sex too! Mabe feel like a frosty beer after....


guys have all sorts of feelings!


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Some talk and some internalize every thing til they're sure they can't resolve it on their own.Then when they can't resolve it they open up and discuss it. 

DH talks only if something is REALLY bothering him. I'm sort of the same way. We're very open about our lovey,happy feelings though so I always know where he stands. 

It's rare to have discussion about issues stemming from our marriage currently. It's always outside issues and family that is getting under his skin. 

Like a lot of men have already mentioned,they don't always talk bc they feel misheard and ignored when they talk. That's sad


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

When you hear "feelings" and "men" in the same sentence, its normally negative or painful emotions that are the real interest. Men are happy to talk about some feelings. Things that they like, that are exciting or exceptionally interesting; things they feel they are good at.

When it comes to negative feelings, its a different game. Those are areas where a man might feel weak, untalented or a failure. Who would want to talk about that? Sharing your shortcomings with you wife? Torture.


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## StarTrekFan (Aug 15, 2012)

I can think of 3 reasons, why I don't talk about my feelings

1. I have an introverted brain, It takes a while for me to "get in the zone" to talk about any subject. Once I am ready, the other person has lost interest or is frustrated by my slow responses. Sometimes they are surprised and overwhelmed with my emotional responses.

2. Also not having the right people in my life who I can open up to. Some of the most painful experiences were opening up and being vulnerable to the wrong set of people. I have been mocked, minimized or lectured upon in vulnerable moments. I have made a vow never again to open up to those people

3. Lot of people are selfish, I am a decent listener, I have no trouble in getting people to open up to me about their life, but they have no patience to listen to mine. As soon as I want to say something about me, They change the subject and make it about them about them.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Caribbean Man said:


> I think men do talk about their feelings with women.
> But I think when a person shuts down , most times it's because they feel they aren't being heard , or they feel misunderstood.
> 
> When men feel that way , they don't bother to try again.


Great post, agreed.

I LOVE talking about my feelings/thoughts with my wife......heck if you guys were to hear me at times, you would label me a "woman".

But all of this is due to environment my wife has created for me to do so. I would not be like this if I didn't feel comfortable etc.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Why don't men talk as much about their feelings / thoughts as women do?*


 Quick answer...women are more Emotional creatures due to our female hormones...and Men are generally more Logically minded (statistically) and are Fixers... they just want to solve the dilemma ....not go on about how they feel about it.... 

My H is not as openly expressive of his feelings as myself... but IF I ASK...and seek to know ... he is more than willing to share them with me....

I am often asking what his thoughts are on this or that, or "how would you feel?" type thing.....

If this irritated him, I don't think we'd get along well at all....so I am very thankful for this.. He is not like a girlfriend in the fact he doesn't talk too much or give me so many details I want to pull my hair out (1 of my GF's is like this)...but as far as feedback...and support, I couldn't ask for more..

I have noticed our 3rd son, our quietest....is just like his dad...
If I ask him stuff, he doesn't mind.. I even ask him if he minds...he says "No"..... 

If I wasn't the type to ask though, or start some of these conversations.. I think many things that has helped us grow together might have fell by the wayside...Just because he is on the quiet side naturally)... we'd miss each other in some ways.... so our opposite personalities are a blessing in this aspect..


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Because our brains are wired differently.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Forest said:


> When you hear "feelings" and "men" in the same sentence, its normally negative or painful emotions that are the real interest. Men are happy to talk about some feelings. Things that they like, that are exciting or exceptionally interesting; things they feel they are good at.



Not only negative feelings...

Example 1: My husband got some very positive news related to his work, came home and told me with a straight face. I asked him if he wasn't happy and he said something like "Oh... I expected that to happen because I worked hard"

Example 2: A friend of ours was to visit us and we wanted to pick him up at a train stop and go to a place. The friend arrived days earlier than he had planned, telling hubby but not me that might happen. hubby in turn did not tell me. That day the friend wrote an SMS to hubby but not to me. Hubby stopped working earlier that day, but he did not tell me and only wrote me to have my sons diaper bag packed at XXX o'clock, arrived at our house and asked me if we were ready, I said "no, I have no idea what for" and he told me to pack the bag and hop in the car... and I had still no idea where we were going - by the way: no, he did not plan it as a surprise. It is more his friend than mine + he often asks me to do things but does not explain why. I noticed there are other men like this.

Why is he doing that?



Forest said:


> When it comes to negative feelings, its a different game. Those are areas where a man might feel weak, untalented or a failure. Who would want to talk about that? Sharing your shortcomings with you wife? Torture.


Why is that torture for a man? I would hate not being able to talk about that kind of things.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Enginerd said:


> Because our brains are wired differently.


Could you explain how your brain is wired?

Why - for example - is it difficult for a man to explain why he is doing the things he does?

I noticed that this is not only my husband but that men in general have a tendency not to explain themselves.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I'll make tea said:


> Could you explain how your brain is wired?
> 
> Why - for example - is it difficult for a man to explain why he is doing the things he does?
> 
> I noticed that this is not only my husband but that men in general have a tendency not to explain themselves.


Well take for example that 5 women can sit around a table and all talk simultaneously and that's considered a conversation.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

I'll make tea said:


> Why is that torture for a man? I would hate not being able to talk about that kind of things.



Now THERE is one of the big differences between the sexes. I assume women like to share these things, so they know someone else understands, and empathizes.

As a man, telling my wife something that upsets or hurts me is emasculating. I'm a man, not a failure. I can handle it. I shouldn't be upset, vulnerable, etc. It seems so basic.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

DoF said:


> But all of this is due to environment my wife has created for me to do so. I would not be like this if I didn't feel comfortable etc.


A whole lot has been written about the validity of women's emotions (and that is a good thing). One drawback to that is some women are so focused on their own emotion that they are not equipped to hear emotions from a man, particularly if those emotions make them feel bad about themselves. 

I suspect this shuts down a lot of these types of conversations.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I'll make tea said:


> Could you explain how your brain is wired?
> 
> Why - for example - is it difficult for a man to explain why he is doing the things he does?
> 
> I noticed that this is not only my husband but that men in general have a tendency not to explain themselves.


Generally, men don't need to have their feelings and actions validated with words. We make a decision and move forward to achieve our goals. Hopefully those goals are healthy, but the need to explain them just isn't there. I would guess its a survival mechanism that evolved prior to industrialization. Men will also stop explaining themselves to someone who focuses on things that are not relevant to their plan such as feelings or insignificant environmental factors. We tend to fixate on one thing at a time and block out stuff that gets in the way.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Forest said:


> Now THERE is one of the big differences between the sexes. I assume women like to share these things, so they know someone else understands, and empathizes.
> 
> As a man, telling my wife something that upsets or hurts me is emasculating. I'm a man, not a failure. I can handle it. I shouldn't be upset, vulnerable, etc. It seems so basic.


I mentioned this in other posts. There is the very real possibility my husband is afraid of crowds... but he usually does not admit that, he just comes up with reasons why we can not go / have to leave crowded places.

To be honest that makes him look like a giant flake.

I talked to another man I know.... oh, wait, no actually several over the time, who said that of course he cannot admit being afraid of crowds because men do not talk about those kind of things.

Why would you rather have your wife being angry at you, think you are a giant flake than admit you do not like crowds?


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Enginerd said:


> Generally, men don't need to have their feelings and actions validated with words. We make a decision and move forward to achieve our goals. Hopefully those goals are healthy, but the need to explain them just isn't there. I would guess its a survival mechanism that evolved prior to industrialization. Men will also stop explaining themselves to someone who focuses on things that are not relevant to their plan such as feelings or insignificant environmental factors. We tend to fixate on one thing at a time and block out stuff that gets in the way.


Wouldn't it be a great idea to explain your plan to others and if it is really that great they can join in and help you?
Men do ask people for help, don't they? But instead of exaplaining why the other person should do the things they want them to do they let them guess.

Men on the other hand seem not to puzzled if somebody asks them to do things and they have no idea why.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I hate crowds but not because I'm scared. In a crowd you are forced to deal with idiots, slow people, selfish people and stressed out law enforcement. Why bother?


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

We are expected to be the helpers. Not the helpless. We don't want to negotiate our plan so if that becomes part of the explanation we will skip it.


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## jdd (Aug 30, 2013)

*Re: Re: Why don't men talk as much about their feelings / thoughts as women do?*



I'll make tea said:


> Could you explain how your brain is wired?
> 
> Why - for example - is it difficult for a man to explain why he is doing the things he does?
> 
> I noticed that this is not only my husband but that men in general have a tendency not to explain themselves.


I would guess many don't want to be vulnerable. 

Also; Our society teaches men to suck it up and "be a man" -- men are taught from an early age not to express emotions. With just a few exceptions.


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

I talk about my feelings. 
For whatever reason, women have not counted my talking about positive emotions - "I'm excited to do X"; "Y was awesome"; "Z is going to be fun" - as "talking about my feelings."

It seems to me that "feelings" generally means "negative feelings."


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Enginerd said:


> I hate crowds but not because I'm scared. In a crowd you are forced to deal with idiots, slow people, selfish people and stressed out law enforcement. Why bother?


Because your wife wants you to. Your wife also does things for you.

In addition your wife thinks that your son needs to go places with mummy and daddy in order to have a happy childhood, because those are some of her happiest childhood memories.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

A question for the men, you have two options:

1. The other person thinks you are afraid or helpless
2. The other person thinks you are mean, a flake or odd

Which do you choose?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Tall Average Guy said:


> A whole lot has been written about the validity of women's emotions (and that is a good thing). One drawback to that is some women are so focused on their own emotion that they are not equipped to hear emotions from a man, particularly if those emotions make them feel bad about themselves.
> 
> I suspect this shuts down a lot of these types of conversations.


Very true

And just to be clear, it took work to get my wife to recognize it etc. Lots of back and forth communication AND TIME (years)


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I'll make tea said:


> A question for the men, you have two options:
> 
> 1. The other person thinks you are afraid or helpless
> 2. The other person thinks you are mean, a flake or odd
> ...


Not sure what your goal is here but #1


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

I'll make tea said:


> A question for the men, you have two options:
> 
> 1. The other person thinks you are afraid or helpless
> 2. The other person thinks you are mean, a flake or odd
> ...


Assuming only two options....

Who is "the other person" ? 
My spouse? 
If so, I'd choose (2) all day.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

SoWhat said:


> Assuming only two options....
> 
> Who is "the other person" ?
> My spouse?
> If so, I'd choose (2) all day.


You really would prefer your wife to think you are a mean, odd flake than thinking you are helpless? Why on earth? Because ou do not want to burden her or because you think being mean and odd is better than being helpless?


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I'll make tea said:


> Because your wife wants you to. Your wife also does things for you.
> 
> In addition your wife thinks that your son needs to go places with mummy and daddy in order to have a happy childhood, because those are some of her happiest childhood memories.


You don't have to go to crowded places to make childhood memories. My best memories are from camping, fishing, playing sports ect... See the difference?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I'll make tea said:


> You really would prefer your wife to think you are a mean, odd flake than thinking you are helpless? Why on earth? Because ou do not want to burden her or because you think being mean and odd is better than being helpless?


This seems like a set up hehe

Why did you reply to his reply but not mine?

 :scratchhead:


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I'll make tea said:


> A question for the men, you have two options:
> 
> 1. The other person thinks you are afraid or helpless
> 2. The other person thinks you are mean, a flake or odd
> ...


There is a third choice.

3. It doesn't matter what the other person thinks since that person is not rational.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

I'll make tea said:


> Wouldn't it be a great idea to explain your plan to others and if it is really that great they can join in and help you?
> Men do ask people for help, don't they? But instead of exaplaining why the other person should do the things they want them to do they let them guess.
> 
> Men on the other hand seem not to puzzled if somebody asks them to do things and they have no idea why.


If someone expresses a need for help I'll give it to them if I have the time and ability, assuming it isn't a shady request like "take this package wrapped in brown paper and put it in my ex-wife's driveway". The idea that my assistance should be conditional on the whys and wherefores doesn't make any sense. Plus I can always ask about the project if I want to. I don't require an introductory speech to be helpful. 

The general tenor of the OP's question seems to be that the male approach is generally deficient and should be more like the female approach. That's the wrong way to think about it. Men and women both need to make concessions to the other way of thinking.


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## StarTrekFan (Aug 15, 2012)

I'll make tea said:


> A question for the men, you have two options:
> 
> 1. The other person thinks you are afraid or helpless
> 2. The other person thinks you are mean, a flake or odd
> ...


It depends on the spouse, Is the wife strong enough to handle my emotions, then yes I would be comfortable being vulnerable, or else I prefer they think I am indifferent or mean.

Just curious, Do you think you are strong enough to handle all kind of emotions coming from your man. This means both happy and sad emotions, Would you be comfortable seeing your husband cry, his anguish if he chooses to express and occasional anger?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> A whole lot has been written about the validity of women's emotions (and that is a good thing). One drawback to that is some women are so focused on their own emotion that they are not equipped to hear emotions from a man, particularly if those emotions make them feel bad about themselves.
> 
> I suspect this shuts down a lot of these types of conversations.


IMO,this happens A LOT and it shouldn't.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Sorry. I did not want to say that the male approach is deficient, just that I do not understand it.

When I get ask to do something "buy X", "be ready at Y o'clock" I like to know WHY... if I know why I also can come up with my own helpful ideas.
May be we do not really need to buy X because Y will serve the same purpose but is much cheaper.

I am generally more interested in whatever project if first told what it is about.
I noticed that most (if not to say all) of my husbands plans make sense. He just does such a poor job explaining himself that I often do not realize that until much later.
So why not take the two minutes it takes to explain your plans, what you are doing, why the other person is supposed to do the things she should do and so on?


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

StarTrekFan said:


> It depends on the spouse, Is the wife strong enough to handle my emotions, then yes I would be comfortable being vulnerable, or else I prefer they think I am indifferent or mean.
> 
> Just curious, Do you think you are strong enough to handle all kind of emotions coming from your man. This means both happy and sad emotions, Would you be comfortable seeing your husband cry, his anguish if he chooses to express and occasional anger?


I already saw my husbands cry or rather caught him crying, because he did not want me to see it. It was okay for me... but of course I wanted to know why he was crying and he did not tell me. I do not think I ever saw my husband angry but it would be okay for me.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I'll make tea said:


> Sorry. I did not want to say that the male approach is deficient, just that I do not understand it.
> 
> When I get ask to do something "buy X", "be ready at Y o'clock" I like to know WHY... if I know why I also can come up with my own helpful ideas.
> May be we do not really need to buy X because Y will serve the same purpose but is much cheaper.
> ...


it has NOTHING to do with gender and EVERYTHING to do with the person.

If anything I find many women being like your husband (go out and buy something/not planning it etc) and men being like you (more organized/reasonable and plan oriented)

:scratchhead:


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

He is planful... very planful in fact... but he never explains his plans.
I think it is at least a bit gender specific because I know no woman like this but some men.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

When my first wife and I were married for a couple of years, I was self employed and when things don't go your way, then all the pressure is on your back.

She worked for a large corp, and made good money and never, never let me forget it and on evening I was sitting by myself with a whole lot on my mind and need a bit of space to clear my head and she comes in the other room screaming at me saying, "STOP SULKING AND BE A MAN! YOUR A WHINER!

From that day on, I kept my composure and couldn't or wouldn't let myself get run over like that again.

Well my business took off and I had a good thing and to be honest, when she asked questions about my work, I answered with as little words as possible and wouldn't explain any more than I had to, because she had a habit of saying things that sounded like a put down.

Few years later I was swamped with work and didn't have enough equipment to go around and was trying to figure out how to keep all my contractors happy and she made a suggestion and IMO her mind was clearer than mine at the time and I looked at her and told her that her idea could work and I thanked her for the idea.

Her response. "I can't believe your that stupid and still running a business". I shut down that day after telling her that if she can't accept a thank you like a normal person and just say your welcome then keep you big mouth shut.

She started calling me Mister Spock after that. I was and I kept it that way just so I wouldn't here her ignorance any longer.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

ScarletBegonias said:


> IMO,this happens A LOT and it shouldn't.


I agree, but it also happens with men as well. 

Naturally, MOST people are pretty selfish.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

DoF said:


> I agree, but it also happens with men as well.
> 
> Naturally, MOST people are pretty selfish.


But it is not as acceptable when men do it. 

When women post here about men not listening or being accepting of women's emotions, they get a lot of support and guidance. Not nearly the case when a man has that issue. Even here, with women who identify themselves as being advanced and in touch with their emotions, there have been examples where their initial reaction would have shut down a partner.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Tall Average Guy said:


> But it is not as acceptable when men do it.
> 
> When women post here about men not listening or being accepting of women's emotions, they get a lot of support and guidance. Not nearly the case when a man has that issue. Even here, with women who identify themselves as being advanced and in touch with their emotions, there have been examples where their initial reaction would have shut down a partner.


Can't disagree


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Because it's culturally mocked, at least if it admits uncertainty or insecurity or weakness. We see it every day, at TAM just as much as anywhere.


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## marriedmanhere (Aug 2, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> But it is not as acceptable when men do it.
> 
> When women post here about men not listening or being accepting of women's emotions, they get a lot of support and guidance. Not nearly the case when a man has that issue. Even here, with women who identify themselves as being advanced and in touch with their emotions, there have been examples where their initial reaction would have shut down a partner.


Men and women are wired different. But it seems that is it PC to mock men and tell them that they should change.

An example. Men are usually problem solvers. Tell me a problem and we can work out a solution. Many times women will talk to their husbands just to vent. They do not want their problem solved, they just want to talk about it. 

This can really get on my nerves. I am more interested in solving the problem than talking about how I feel about it. So men are chastised because they do not listen, but you don't read of women being chastised for talking and not wanting a solution.


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

marriedmanhere said:


> An example. Men are usually problem solvers. Tell me a problem and we can work out a solution. Many times women will talk to their husbands just to vent. They do not want their problem solved, they just want to talk about it.



It's an interesting phenomenon. I've always wondered why women want a man to "just listen" to them complain (as it's not often that women express a desire to "just talk about" how great they feel, what a wonderful day they've had). 

What does "talking about" it do that repeating it internally doesn't? This is a serious question, I'm not trying to just get a reaction.

When I want to communicate something, it's so that I can open up *communication* with the person I'm speaking to. That means a two way street. If I'm talking to my buddy about the game, or about a book we've both read, or whatever, I'm trying to start a dialogue in which we exchange perspectives - I'm generally not trying to tell him my perspective alone and then have him keep his mouth shut. 

This is a Mars/Venus thing and I'd love to have the Venus perspective - what do you gain our of NOT having two-way communication and multiple perspectives on an issue? 

Not trying to be a jerk, honestly!


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

SoWhat said:


> It's an interesting phenomenon. I've always wondered why women want a man to "just listen" to them complain (as it's not often that women express a desire to "just talk about" how great they feel, what a wonderful day they've had).
> 
> What does "talking about" it do that repeating it internally doesn't? This is a serious question, I'm not trying to just get a reaction.


I am a woman and prefer solving problems to just talking about them. I am annoyed by persons talking about stuff instead of doing something about it.
Talking about problems I gather solutions for them... and then there are some problems I cannot solve / that cannot be solved at all. There are some things I cannot fix but talking about it with a person who has been there and / or a person I trust helps me deal with it. Why? I am not sure if I even know. It makes me feel not so all alone. It makes me feel that if another person "survived it" it cannot be all that bad.
I do like talking with my husband about problems + also the ones he cannot solve. It is hard to explain why. It gives me a lot of "comfort" and makes me feel better, I would like to do the same for hubby but obviously it does not work that way.

I think the comfort I feel is rather caused by hormones than by something rational.
Think of something that makes you feel better, like a nice cup of coffee or cocoa. It does not solve your problems but makes you feel better 



SoWhat said:


> This is a Mars/Venus thing and I'd love to have the Venus perspective - what do you gain our of NOT having two-way communication and multiple perspectives on an issue?
> 
> Not trying to be a jerk, honestly!


Honestly I cannot answer that question. I as a woman like to solve the problems I can solve and I love to hear different perspective on things.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

This is a big complaint I have about my husband. He loves to talk about sports, politics and the latest rant that Rush Limbaugh is on which all bores me and I have no interest in but I listen to him. When I bring up topics like our relationship or the children he is a one word answers.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I'll make tea said:


> I noticed that men in general do not talk about what they are feeling / thinking as women. That leads to much confusion. A man is doing something. He has his reasons and they make much sense but since he does not share them nobody understands them.
> 
> Why are men like this?
> 
> ...


You're confusing the conveyance of information with seeking emotional support.

I quite often convey _information_ about my emotional state but I do not often seek emotional support.

This often seems to get lost on my wife.

"Wife, I'm angry about X." The end.

"Wife, I'm sad about Y." The end.

"Husband, why don't you talk about your feelings more?"

"I just did..." (... and now I know we're gonna talk about every last detail and my childhood and what Oprah says for the next 2 hours when I just want to have a beer, workout, or go have sex).

Why do we not convey why something needs to be done? Frankly, because quite often those that do something don't need to know. It slows down the process of delegation.

"Wife, please do X."

"Why?"

(Sigh, now I need to explain, why won't she just do X?) "Because Y and Z. Now, please can you do X?"

"But, I want to talk about how Y and Z make me feel and my girlfriends all do this and that and some other random thing..."

(Sigh... I could've just done X myself and been less annoyed).

In general I am extremely goal/task oriented. At work I don't need to know why I need to take the hill at any cost... I just go do it and try to keep the casualties to a minimum.

At home, when stuff needs to happen, it needs to happen.

When I convey my emotional inner state, I just say it simply and it's done. I don't need to write a book or a sonnet or write a Cure song and get emo about it.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Hate to say it, but the biggest hangup is that I actually care a lot what my wife thinks of me and visa-versa. That changes both what I might express and how I might react when she expresses something. What affects me affects her too and visa-versa... we aren't dating anymore. A big promotion means more as does a big problem like depression or self-esteem. They aren't impartial.

So it gets complex. You are close, but distant enough that you don’t want to feed them ammo to think poorly of you or set some expectation you’ll be living up to for the rest of your life. It can take a lifetime before you are comfortable and your spouse non-judgemental enough to truly share your brand of crazy with this person.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

And lol Marduk. I totally understand that. It isn’t that I’m not complex as hell emotionally, there’s also a lot to it that I loathe having to get into very deep conversations and complex webs of how my neurons fire just so my wife can define the whole context of “sad or angry” as I feel it and why. 

My own personal coping skills are such that it’s a passing emotion quickly dealt with. Explaining it all out adds a whole new level of frustration and misunderstanding by her and towards her. That misunderstanding often results is some poorly conceived notion of what it’s like in my brainy bits. That creates a fictional character in her head instead of who I am. And because like most women I know and overhear, they like to believe they can read your mind. Thing is, they are just doing character development of that fantasy they created about who you are.

And at the core… I’m just frustrated and pissed that after a couple hours of rebuilding the carb on the lawnmower, the damn thing still stalls all the time. Almost every weekend it becomes this struggle between the mower and me…. 

In her head this character has anger issues stemming back to his abusive father and she needs to watch to make sure he doesn’t teach his boys to be bitter and angry too… boy she was helpful!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Racer said:


> Hate to say it, but the biggest hangup is that I actually care a lot what my wife thinks of me and visa-versa. That changes both what I might express and how I might react when she expresses something.


Getting over this was a massive step in my journey.

It's not like I don't _care_ what she thinks of me, it just really doesn't enter into my decision making process any more.

I am who I am. Expressing who I am without filtering it for who I think she wants me to be gives her the gift of _who I really am_.


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## Jakobi Greenleaf (Sep 19, 2012)

You can only be hurt by the things (people) you care about. Any vulnerability shared can be weaponized.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

I'm not much of a talker. I've led a tough life emotionally and I've gone through it alone for the most part. When something bad was happening, and for the longest time it always was, the only person I could talk to was me, myself, and I.

I dont open up at first because I'm just used to resolving my own issues. Its only when I cant do it on my own that I open up to my wife. 

The difference between my wife and I is night and day. When I do open up, I'm looking for help in a solution. I'm looking for someone to offer me things I havent figured out. 

When my wife opens up, all she is looking for is someone to agree with her. It doesnt matter if shes clearly wrong, she doesnt want any other answer/solution unless it is in complete agreement with her. It took me a while to figure that out.


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

Why don't men talk about their feelings like women do? Because that isn't how most guys act. 

Why don't women act more like guys? Because their women.

Some people really try to deny it. But the sexes are different, and we see and do things differently.

Honestly, I don't talk about my feelings very often because I don't feel the need to. I have no desire to do that. If my wife asks a question, I'm more than glad to answer it. But it always seems like she wants to go more in depth than I do.

For example, the other night she was talking about plans that she and her mother were making for father's day for her dad. I was just sitting there watching TV, which is what I was doing before she came into the room to talk to me about father's day.

I muted the TV and listened. But when she asked me what I thought about the plans, I just said that "it sounds nice". She apparently wanted more than that and started asking me questions, I think to make sure I was even listening. 

I answered her questions, correctly, because I was listening. Then she asked me why I didn't seem to want to talk about the subject. I said we are talking about it. And then she goes on about how just saying it sounds nice makes it sound like I don't want to talk. 

Then she starts asking about how the conversation makes me feel (my father was a deadbeat) because she thinks my father, and father's day is a sore spot for me. I tell her it's not, but she just wants to keep going on about all this feelings talk. 

Honestly, I wasn't bothered in any way. The trip did sound nice, which is why I said it sounded nice, and in no way was I experiencing all this emotional turmoil that she just "knew" I was. I came to grips with my father being a deadbeat a long long time ago.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

My wife and I have great communication between us. We can both talk about our feelings at any time...but one difference quickly comes to mind. 

When I have a really bad day at work, I look forward to coming home, into my comfort zone where I can relax. My wife will ask about my day....and want to know about every detail that happened. When I have a bad day, I DON'T want to rehash it, and relive everything bad that just happened to me that day. It puts me back in the moment, raises my blood pressure, and makes my mood worse. I also don't want my wife to worry about small things that happened to me today that won't matter in 24 hours. I don't always want to relive my bad days as soon as I get home. I need to relax and de-stress first. 

My wife, on the other hand, loves to talk about every detail when she has a bad day, even when she gets emotional and relives what happened that day. My wife likes to get things off her chest and talk them out as soon as my foot enters the back door. She likes to relive conversations with all of the emotion as she tells the story. She get very worked up, but this is how she communicates. She has to get things out and talk things out. This is how she feels better...by talking it out. I totally understand this, and I am a very good listener.

I think the difference is that men tend to internalize our bad days. We handle things on our own. We don't always have to talk it out and relive it with all of the emotion again. Our brains are wired to fix things, and we also do things to prevent our wive's from worrying unnecessarily. Just my thoughts.


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

As for the whole why thing, I think men operate on a much easier level then women about that.

If someone asks me to do something, either I'm willing to do it or I'm not. The reason they want it done really doesn't matter to me.

Often times, we don't explain why we ask women to do things because in our mind it doesn't matter. We want X done, will you do X for us? 

Honestly, I'd rather do it myself than explain why I want it done 99% of the time.

Women in general just require more information about things than men.


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

I Notice The Details said:


> My wife and I have great communication between us. We can both talk about our feelings at any time...but one difference quickly comes to mind.
> 
> When I have a really bad day at work, I look forward to coming home, into my comfort zone where I can relax. My wife will ask about my day....and want to know about every detail that happened. When I have a bad day, I DON'T want to rehash it, and relive everything bad that just happened to me that day. It puts me back in the moment, raises my blood pressure, and makes my mood worse. I also don't want my wife to worry about small things that happened to me today that won't matter in 24 hours. I don't always want to relive my bad days as soon as I get home. I need to relax and de-stress first.
> 
> ...


I'll agree with that. Though not even just on bad days, but on any.

My wife loves to talk about her day at work when she gets home. Or the drive home, or sometimes she will even talk to me about other phone conversations she had today.

She just wants to talk, about pretty much anything.

Me on the other hand, if nothing particularly important or unusual happened. I'd rather not talk just to talk. Everyday she asks me about work. And everyday it's the same. I wrote some code for some software. Very boring and nothing to talk about.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

My wife used to mention that she'd like for me to be more open about my feelings. Until I decided "okay, you're on". It quickly became apparent that she wasn't that interested, after all.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

marduk said:


> It's not like I don't _care_ what she thinks of me, it just really doesn't enter into my decision making process any more.
> 
> I am who I am. Expressing who I am without filtering it for who I think she wants me to be gives her the gift of _who I really am_.


Understood. I do that too. So what I say is 'real me'. 

However, she stockpiles information like it's ammo for some future conflict. So, I stopped giving her that much to work with. Short and to the point like your other post instead of over explaining, deep and letting her develop that fictional character.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Racer said:


> Understood. I do that too. So what I say is 'real me'.
> 
> However, she stockpiles information like it's ammo for some future conflict. So, I stopped giving her that much to work with. Short and to the point like your other post instead of over explaining, deep and letting her develop that fictional character.


Let her.

It's hard to argue with someone who's off having an awesome life, and will have an awesome life whether or not you're a part of it.

When I get the sense my wife is loading the shotgun to let me have it regarding something stupid -- or especially if she starts throwing crap around that happened years ago that she's just rehashing to justify some damn thing, I just smirk and go work out or something.

She knows I have options. I know I have options. Same, reversed. Keeps us on our best behaviour.

"He who can destroy a thing, controls a thing."
- Paul Atreides, _Dune_


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I don't want to generalize about all women, but when it comes to my wife, I don't feel like she actually wants to hear my feelings about things as much as she thinks she does. I don't feel like I get a positive, supportive reaction from her when I share my feelings, because it's like showing weakness or something. So I mostly don't bother.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

John Lee said:


> I don't want to generalize about all women, but when it comes to my wife, I don't feel like she actually wants to hear my feelings about things as much as she thinks she does. I don't feel like I get a positive, supportive reaction from her when I share my feelings, because it's like showing weakness or something. So I mostly don't bother.


100% agree.

I think she wants to hear about the feelings she wants me to have in an effort to receive some kind of validation/support or some such thing. The feelings she doesn't want me to have are just icky or make her mad.

Or as an opening to talk about her own feelings.

Every women I've known has been this way. Maybe it's just the women I pick, though.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

> I noticed that men in general do not talk about what they are feeling / thinking as women. That leads to much confusion. A man is doing something. He has his reasons and they make much sense but since he does not share them nobody understands them.
> 
> Why are men like this?
> 
> ...


I'm female and I'm actually the less talkative one in my relationship. My partner talks more than I do and is an analytical type. I don't mind that he talks, I enjoy listening to him...but its not unusual for us to talk 2-3 hours a night.

I think half the reason some women have communication issues is because they aren't clear. I rarely talk about how I feel...I clearly communicate what exactly I want.



> Women in general just require more information about things than men.


I don't.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

marduk said:


> 100% agree.
> 
> I think she wants to hear about the feelings she wants me to have in an effort to receive some kind of validation/support or some such thing. The feelings she doesn't want me to have are just icky or make her mad.
> 
> ...


It's pretty frustrating tbh. The thing is, she doesn't have any filter when it comes to her feelings. I have to hear her worst, but she cant' deal with mine. Sometimes I find her feelings unappealing and unattractive too, but there's a double standard. Oh well, such is life.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Because "Well enough about me, what do YOU think about me??"

that's why.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

*Re: Re: Why don't men talk as much about their feelings / thoughts as women do?*



John Lee said:


> It's pretty frustrating tbh. The thing is, she doesn't have any filter when it comes to her feelings. I have to hear her worst, but she cant' deal with mine. Sometimes I find her feelings unappealing and unattractive too, but there's a double standard. Oh well, such is life.


I've been following this thread because I find the insight from the men fascinating. 

My H and I don't talk much, about anything really. It's a shame, to me. But I think he prefers it that way. 

The thing is...that I don't feel like I can be genuine with him ("show him my worst") because I know that he withholds himself from me. 

I often feel very alone because it seems as if my H is emotionally invincible and just doesn't feel all of the things that I feel. (Sad, angry, scared, hopeless, embarassed...) Like I am weak and he is strong, or my emotions make me "unappealing and unattractive" in the words of the quote above. 

When I read the responses of the men here it occurs to me that you all most likely DO experience the same range of emotions that women do, but when I am wrapped up IRL with my husband I can't see it. 

It makes it so that I don't feel safe being vulnerable with him. It is lonely. I kind of need him to show me that I can be open with him by doing it himself first. I know that's not going to happen. 

But I see that so many of you have said you feel judged or unheard. Is it possible that your wives just didn't truly HEAR what you were trying to convey at a time when you were trying to open up to her? I struggle with this sometimes. My H does not have a very direct way of speaking, even though he thinks he does. He also tends to make the most profound statements out of left field at an inopportune time and if I don't react correctly he takes it as a sign that I am not interested in what he has to say. 

This is extreme but is a fictional example to illustrate what I mean: We could have just walked in the door from work, kids running around loudly at our feet, him unpacking his bags and me rummaging through the fridge to try to get dinner started. He will start talking with his hands busy unpacking things, neither of us looking at each other, and will say something like "Man, I almost got fired today." Right after that, kids run in the kitchen interrupting us or fighting with each other. I try to quickly meet their needs and shoo them away so we can continue talking and by the time they are gone I say "what did you just say, about getting fired?"..."Nothing, nevermind it's not important". And then the conversation is dead. 

This happens frequently and I could see my H coming here writing some of the things that other men have written about "She doesn't really want to hear what I have to say". 

How do you fix the problem?

ETA - All I think both sides really want is to feel understood. I just want to know that my H understands me, that he wants to know how my mind works and cares about who I am at my core. Maybe men don't need or desire this same type of connection...but I feel like that can't be true. 

It is perhaps so painful because to me this is one of the key reasons to be married. To have that one person who cherishes you inside and out. Without knowing that person on a deeper level, opening up to them and them to you...what seperates marraige from a business partnership? What is the point?


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## jdd (Aug 30, 2013)

kag123 said:


> How do you fix the problem?


Both need to learn to be vulnerable. 

Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability - YouTube

Brené Brown: Listening to shame - YouTube

The price of invulnerability: Brené Brown at TEDxKC - YouTube


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I'll make tea said:


> I noticed that men in general do not talk about what they are feeling / thinking as women. That leads to much confusion.


I was a fixer. I thought about things that worried me and came up with action plans or decided to keep thinking until I can came up with an action plans. There was little venting necessary since I was confident(narcissistic) in my ability to think logically and fix the problems no matter what they were.

Yes we get older and eventually come to the conclusion that we have very little control over anyone or anything other than ourselves.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

I'll make tea said:


> I noticed that men in general do not talk about what they are feeling / thinking as women. That leads to much confusion. A man is doing something. He has his reasons and they make much sense but since he does not share them nobody understands them.
> 
> Why are men like this?
> 
> ...


Because feelings are fickle, irrational, and untrustworthy. 

You deal with them, not spread them around for everyone else to be entertained by.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

John Lee said:


> It's pretty frustrating tbh. The thing is, she doesn't have any filter when it comes to her feelings. I have to hear her worst, but she cant' deal with mine. Sometimes I find her feelings unappealing and unattractive too, but there's a double standard. Oh well, such is life.


Yes, it's frustrating being a man.

But then I remember I have a penis that I get to stick in various parts of her lady bits, and then I get over it.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

marduk said:


> Yes, it's frustrating being a man.
> 
> But then I remember I have a penis that I get to stick in various parts of her lady bits, and then I get over it.


Sure. And we also don't have to do a lot of stuff I wouldn't want to do, like carry a baby around for 9 months and then have it attached to our chests for the next year. So it's not a bad deal overall. :smthumbup:


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

This isn't that complicated . . .

Wife's diary entry: 

Tonight, my husband was behaving strangely. We made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping all day with friends, and thought maybe he was upset that I was a bit late, but he didn't comment on it. Conversation was stagnant, so I suggested we go somewhere quiet to talk. He agreed, but he still wouldn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He just seemed so distant and absent. 

Finally, when I'd had enough of the silence, I went to bed. About 15 minutes later he came to bed, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were elsewhere. He fell asleep. I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster! 


Husband's diary entry:

A two-foot putt. 

Who the hell misses a two-foot putt?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

JustGrinding said:


> Husband's diary entry:
> 
> A two-foot putt.
> 
> Who the hell misses a two-foot putt?


I do damm!t. I'll hit a 6 or 8 but miss a two. errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

I'll make tea said:


> I noticed that men in general do not talk about what they are feeling / thinking as women. That leads to much confusion. A man is doing something. He has his reasons and they make much sense but since he does not share them nobody understands them.
> 
> Why are men like this?
> 
> ...



If men spent as much time yapping about our feelings as much as woman do , the pyramids, space shuttle and Velcro would have never been invented. 

Seriously speaking, men are logic/tasks based and find emotions to be hindrance to when "crap needs to get done". When a saber toothed tiger is attacking the village, men do not have time to talk how that meanie tiger makes them feel. We coordinate and kill it then talk about it later and move on.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> I do damm!t. I'll hit a 6 or 8 but miss a two. errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.


I do the same thing too Thundarr....


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

jdd said:


> Both need to learn to be vulnerable.
> 
> Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability - YouTube
> 
> ...


I think you're confusing "vulnerability" for "wallows in emotion" at least as far as this thread goes. 

Vulnerability means a willingness to risk being hurt in exchange for a relationship with someone. However, when you do offer that vulnerability, and the only thing you get in return is to get stabbed in your vulnerable bits over and over, self preservation is essential. 

I became that "invulnerable" person, and I can also not be that "vulnerable" person, but it is a two way street. There's nothing about the power of vulnerability that means you just accept being emotionally abused, because someone wants you to. 

Nor does is require that I blab all my emotional states to my wife. It means that I will be honest about how I feel about things. It also means that I will trust, and continue to, even if now and then we have friction or conflict. 

The original question was about why men don't talk about their feelings. It's because we're not that personality type. While we (men) need to learn to have an actual intimate relationship, it also means that they (women) have a role not judging us purely by their own expectations. This, too, is a form of vulnerability. It does require a level of trust to not require every passing breeze of emotion to be constantly paraded around for her inspection. It also means that they (women) do have to learn some of our language, as well. 

This business of each of us learning some of the other's language is absolutely essential.


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

Men are wired differently because millions of years' evolution produced specialization where men were hunter/stalkers and women were gatherers. 

Hunting/stalking requires stealth and steely silence even if you step on a thorn. Men do not carry on conversations about the best kinds of spear tips while stalking prey. Men had to kill living things without getting emotional about it. 

Women do not require stealth or silence when picking berries or digging roots. Six women yacking loudly about the best deer skin boot style are also going to let the bear know she needs to steer clear of that area while coming through with her cubs. It is a good defensive strategy. Picking berries and roots requires no squelching of emotions over killing them.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

Racer said:


> However, she stockpiles information like it's ammo for some future conflict. So, I stopped giving her that much to work with.


After having it (accumulated ammo) used on me a bunch of times, I, too, learned to an emotional fortress, letting nothing in and nothing out. The thing is, once she had it, it never expired. It just accumulated. 

She claims she doesn't bring this stuff up to hurt me, but it's said and used in such a way to exact the most hurt, so it's really hard to understand how it isn't. 

I got way far down this road. And her reason for being angry... was me doing it. It still happens some and I'm not sure how to deal with it.


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