# Injured wife unable to have sex



## Odyssion (Jan 30, 2018)

Due to complications surrounding the birth of our first child my wife’s genitals were surgically removed.

We had been married one year and had a very active and positive sex life until that point.

Our child is now over one year old and while my wife has largely recovered physically, with some changes in routine due to the injury, it does not look like either of us will be having sex again.

She has also become physically withdrawn and does not touch me affectionately any more since the incident. I hug her and kiss her every day but she almost always is totally indifferent to these gestures, which makes me feel alone.

She has never been interested in oral sex or any intimate alternatives to intercourse.

I am athletic, healthy, virile and have a very strong libido. It feels like being constantly hungry — so hungry as to be unable to control my appetite, only there is no food to be had. It is a feeling of starvation and increasing desperation.

I do my best to put thoughts of sex out of my mind and look for joy and engagement in other activities, but they always come roaring back.

I have a hard time sleeping because of intrusive sexual thoughts and dreams. I find myself developing feelings for other women against my will. Masturbation works for about five minutes.

I am really struggling with this and hope to hear from you any insight, stories or advice that may help me come to grips with this predicament.

Sincere thanks for any help or comfort you can provide.


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## Notself (Aug 25, 2017)

Odyssion said:


> Due to complications surrounding the birth of our first child my wife’s genitals were surgically removed.


My thoughts go out to you ... if this is actually true. I hate to cast aspersions, but I've honestly never heard of anything like this before.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I am sorry to hear of this. And I hate to ask for details. But are you referring to a hysterectomy? Or something even more drastic?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I notice that your name means angry man.
If your wife has damaged her genitalia in some way then reconstruction surgery is available but I have never heard of genitalia removal other than in female genital mutilation(Female circumcision) and I don’t think that is what you mean.
If you are genuinely looking for advice then you need to provide more detail about your wife’s physical problems.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I second that...


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## Mommame2 (Oct 8, 2017)

Did she have an episiotomy? Those are pretty much repairable. You may be being sold a fib.

More details needed. She's NEVER been into oral or alternates to PIV? Before baby? Then you knew what you were getting into. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

:scratchhead:

I'm having a hard time thinking of anything that could have gone so wrong with a childbirth that it would have necessitated removal of the mother's external genitalia. I've had friends with some pretty horrific tearing, but it was always repaired and reconstructed. However, it is possible that a hysterectomy was required. But, again, a normal hysterectomy wouldn't prevent intercourse after she healed properly. We definitely need some clarification here.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If it was a hysterectomy then there is no reason why she cant have sex, as for the genitals being removed, never ever heard of that and I have heard many horror stories about women's births and I had pretty awful births as well with many many stitches.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I know when my daughter was born I had some very painful tearing. When repairing it my doctor closed it up too tight and sex was painful for about a year until I stretched. Scar tissue doesn't like stretching. A hysterectomy does not prevent sex. And while I'm not a doctor I can't imagine genitals actually being removed. 

A little more detail is needed.

Also what country are you in?


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## Odyssion (Jan 30, 2018)

Necrotizing fasciitis requiring surgical debridement of the external genitalia. We were surprised, too. She was fortunate to survive.

Recovery was complicated and challenging. I learned a lot about caring for a newborn.

Do any of us ever really “know what we are getting into?”

My loyalties have not changed.

I realize this is an unusual situation, but perhaps not unheard of, which is why I posted it on this forum.

I am in the US, to answer the other question, though I’m not sure how relevant that is.

It is my situation and my wife’s to figure out. But who knows if someone here might be able to share something helpful from their experience?

That would help my family.

Thank you for your time.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Odyssion said:


> Necrotizing fasciitis requiring surgical debridement of the external genitalia. We were surprised, too. She was fortunate to survive.
> 
> Do any of us ever really “know what we are getting into?”
> 
> ...


well damn... im sorry to hear that. 

while i have not gone through the same thing, my wife has suffered medical issues that make it nearly impossible for us to have sex for extended periods of time. but, and this might be the biggest difference, my wife is still able to physically enjoy limited sexual activity, even when afflicted with said issues.

is your wife still able to have an orgasm, or did she lose all of the sensations that allow for it?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Damn....

I have nothing. Not one single good idea.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Your wife needs to talk to a therapist that deals with injuries that cause sexual problems. This has been demoralizing and traumatizing for your wife, but she is not coping and needs help.

Despite having lost her external genitalia, I would expect that she should still be able to enjoy sexual activity. The clitoris is not a little button. It is a much larger organ than most people realize. It has nerves that surround the genital region. I don't know if having part of her clitoris removed would cause complete dysfunction or not. It may even be able to be surgically rebuilt. There must be information on this. Have you looked into it at all?

Your wife needs to understand that her trauma and injury are partially shared by you and that you are struggling with this also. It's not all about her, even though it is her body that was injured. In marriage this impact both of you deeply and your pain cannot be ignored if you both want a healthy marriage.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

CynthiaDe said:


> Your wife needs to talk to a therapist that deals with injuries that cause sexual problems. This has been demoralizing and traumatizing for your wife, but she is not coping and needs help.
> 
> Despite having lost her external genitalia, I would expect that she should still be able to enjoy sexual activity. The clitoris is not a little button. It is a much larger organ than most people realize. It has nerves that surround the genital region. I don't know if having part of her clitoris removed would cause complete dysfunction or not. It may even be able to be surgically rebuilt. There must be information on this. Have you looked into it at all?
> 
> Your wife needs to understand that her trauma and injury are partially shared by you and that you are struggling with this also. It's not all about her, even though it is her body that was injured. In marriage this impact both of you deeply and your pain cannot be ignored if you both want a healthy marriage.


 @Odyssion, the above is pretty solid advice. i was thinking the same thing in terms of how demoralizing that must be for your wife. i mean, imagine if you lost the top half of your penis... even if your wife still wanted to have sex with you often, it would probably do a hell of a number on you, psychologically. 

whether or not she is capable of having an orgasm anymore is probably going to influence how you can go about things...


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Get her into some therapy to discuss why she's withdrawn and unaffectionate. She must feel just awful, like she's not a real woman anymore and can't make you happy. Perhaps she doesn't want to initiate anything that might lead to sex, which would make her feel like a total failure. She has to deal with these feelings, and needs professional help.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I do congratulate you on her survival.

She definitely needs professional psychological help.

There could by any number of reasons for her feelings. From shame over having the disease to the horror of what it did to her. 

There was a woman who posted here once who had a surgical issue which caused her to be unable to experience sexual orgasms, if I recall the issue correctly. She said she was willing to continue having sex for the good of her marriage, but her husband shunned her. It seemed he felt she was no longer a real woman because her nerves had been severed.

Your wife may feel something like that about herself.

After my wife had a hysterectomy someone actually said that about her. 

Professional help. It can be a lifesaver.

Be well.


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## Odyssion (Jan 30, 2018)

Thank you, everyone, for your thoughtful replies.

My wife has been to therapy several times, but recently terminated the arrangement as she felt it wasn’t helpful.

She is not terribly open about discussing these things with me, or perhaps with anyone. I am not sure if her other friends have been much help in working through this.

Whether she can or ever will experience sexual pleasure is not clear. The entire area is quite painful for her. She can only sit comfortably using a medical cushion. Reconstructive operations are available, but much more expensive than we can afford for a benefit that can only be guessed at.

As for me, I saw the damage up close from the first surgery until she took over her own self-care a few months later. It’s not the way I would have preferred to see her, and I find it difficult to put out of my mind when I think about her.

I know she is having many difficult and conflicting emotions. Early on she shocked me by suggesting that I consider going outside of our marriage for sex. It was hard for me even to wrap my head around what that meant and how that would work. She then became upset that I had taken her suggestion seriously. I guess we are both confused.

Well, this is not a problem with an easy solution. Reestablishing a connection with her will just take time and will have to proceed at her own pace. I will do my best to be patient and generous and not annoy her too much, if I can help it.

As for how to manage my own lifelong celibacy, without letting it impair my physical or mental health and without doing anything regrettable, I suppose I will figure it out. I do want to acknowledge my own loss, which is different than hers but still profound. I want to deal with it honestly rather than waving it away, but not to dwell on it. That’s a challenge.

I think it helps to focus on meaningful connections with other people, and to help them pursue their own goals and happiness, so I am going to look to that as a way of putting aside unpleasant thoughts.

I very much appreciate everyone’s kindness and hope this hasn’t been too much of a downer!

If nothing else, I hope you will cherish even more the sweet benefits that nature gives us all for a time.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Odyssion said:


> Thank you, everyone, for your thoughtful replies.
> 
> My wife has been to therapy several times, but recently terminated the arrangement as she felt it wasn’t helpful.
> 
> ...



the fact that your wife suggested stepping out of the marriage for sex tells me that her sense of worth as a woman has been destroyed. did you actually take her up on it and act on it, or just talk to her about it? it does make a difference...

the best thing i can suggest is that you try and find ways to encourage her to be sexual with you in other ways, and show great enthusiasm and excitement for her efforts. if you can find a way for the two of you to be sexual (there are a million ways to do this...) without putting too much physical stress on her, she might be able to get behind your enthusiasm and be more willing to try. 

right now, its probably just as emotionally painful for her as it is physically painful. if she can satisfy you sexually without having to suffer in order to do it, it might help her self esteem. and i can tell you from experience, emotionally, my wife trying to please me sexually without PIV feels just as good as with PIV.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Does she still have the ability to have her clitoris stimulated?

Did she retain any of her sexual nervous system in her vaginal region?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Country only matters for available care. Reconstructive surgery wouldn't be possible in a country like Haiti.

This is still new and painful for her. I don't know why she found counseling unhelpful she may not have had a good counselor or perhaps she isn't ready to face the emotions she's having and name them.

Scar tissue can be painful. I think she doesn't feel attractive and has lost her self worth as a woman. She probably feels guilty about not being able to provide you with PIV but perhaps also resentful.

I obviously haven't experienced this but have experienced a much lighter shade of this after the birth of my own child. The first time after my child was born that my husband and I had sex it was very painful due to scarring from a nasty uncontrolled ripping. It was so painful I made him stop in the middle and then I avoided sex for awhile. Eventually I realized my marriage needed sex and tried again. It continued to be painful until other skin adequately stretched.

Your wife may still be in the stage of self pity and pain and not sure what to do. She may also worry that affection will lead to a painful attempt at sex. There are lots of affection that can be had with out sex. How you get her into that not sure. Letting her know you love her and are steadfast certainly will help.

Perhaps you could let her know you'd like to be affectionate and put no pressure on sexual activity. Tell her you miss hugs , her.

If you do return to sexual activity, does she still have a g spot? PIV may not be pleasurable due to the surgery but it sounds as if she still has a vagina. There is a large network of nerves down there. A small vibrator may still cause some pleasure. I know I enjoy playing with my husband with my hands and my mouth more if my bits are getting good vibrations. While it certainly isn't true for everyone, my most intense orgasms happen when I have a we-vibe stimulating my front and my husband's penis in my ass. Anal sex has to be worked up to and has to be done the right way but can provide pleasure to both parties. She may never experience another orgasm but there is still pleasure to be had. And eventually she may realize her marriage needs it. The trick is how to get there emotionally. Your consistent patience will help. You seem to be doing the best you can. Hope you find a way.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I want to mention counseling and psychiatric care can be exhausting and hard to get right.

My wife was completely resistant. She refused to go and said she would not speak or participate in any way. I made life miserable for her because I was cruel, but that’s another story.

Finally 6 years later something happened at our sons school and they recommended family counseling. I had leverage. Mary refused to talk.

Two sessions of silence and she was recommended to Individual Counseling. I forced her to go, for the good of the family. She refused to talk. Two sessions of that and I found a highly qualified psychologist, specializing in being sympathetic with Christian women. I was just guessing about what might be bothering her. 

Mary talked to her. It was mostly lies, but she talked. Mary got that psychologist to call me in after a few months and explain to me how I needed to just accept Mary as she is, and everything is fine.

I found a psychiatrist and forced Mary to go to him. After several sessions he referred her to a colleague of his who specialized in hypnotherapy. The first shrink did diagnose Mary but did not tell me. The second doctor came to the same diagnosis, and after a few months he and my wife shared some of what they found.

As my wife collapsed on the floor crying her heart out the shrink told me she had been sexually assaulted starting at age nine, and she had deeper trauma they couldn’t get to yet which seemed to be more troubling to her. The diagnosis is she is a pathological liar, and there is no likelihood of a cure. 

She continued psychotherapy for another 7 years. She liked that doctor, but she would see others occasionally in hopes being different. The diagnosis was the same.

She did finally resolve many of her issues. She is much better than she was. She stopped therapy when she felt better. She stopped when she felt happy, and filled with life and wonder, and woke up to whole new life.

Yes, she is still a pathological liar. But we cope fine. Mary is the happiest person I know, by far. The torture she went through as a child shattered her. She used the fact she has a shattered memory to her own advantage, and somehow just never remembers any longer what they did to her. The shrink thinks whatever works is fine.

I think you should keep trying. They can help, if you keep trying. It might take years.

Be well, somehow.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I had necrotizing fasciitis. It consumed most of the tricep muscle of my right arm. While not rising to the same level as having my sexual genetalia removed, it definitely impacted my life. At the time I had to undergo physical therapy, I was offered mental health counseling as well. I declined because I was a "big boy" and didn't need to talk about stuff. I now sincerely wish I had.
I did not realize the impact that it had on me and my view of myself. It seriously affected by confidence in myself and how I interacted with the world.
I second those who suggest that she seek some mental health counseling to deal with the trauma of both the necrotizing fasciitis and its aftermath.
On a somewhat related note, 20+years later, I still suffer from phantom pains in my arm. I also had most of the soft tissue removed from my elbow and shoulder, so those joints ache as well. I would imagine that your wife may be having similar issues, perhaps even more so due to the fact that her infection was so near to the hips. So perhaps some sort of pain management might be helpful as well.
I am truly sorry to hear about something like this. I wish both your wife and your self well.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your situation. I sounds horrible with no outlet even to lash out at (for what its worth).

It may be that your wife is not feeling like a woman anymore that will have a huge impact on self worth.

Hopefully with a bit more time, both you and your wife can look into therapy again, at least for the mental struggles.

Good luck.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

"She has never been interested in oral sex or any intimate alternatives to intercourse."

Then you should be clear to her that you will probably be divorcing her. 
It does not matter what sort of petty hangups she has, you can not be expected to live the entire rest of your life in a sexless marriage.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

The root of this issue is that you have a serious marriage problem and you are trying to deal with it individually. That may seem like an obvious thing to say, but think about it. When you are not getting things out of your marriage that are supposed to be fulfilled in marriage, it is a marriage problem. This problem can only be truly resolved if you and your wife work together to resolve it or you detach from your wife. Detaching for your spouse is a death knoll to a marriage.

In order to avoid the demise of your marriage, you will have to express your pain to your wife and seek a solution together to resolve the physical affection and closeness issues. You will also need to work personally to get your thoughts and heart into a place of peace.

It would probably be a good idea for you to seek individual counseling for at least six months to prepare to be able to address the issues with your wife in a meaningful way. Obviously you don’t want to divorce your wife over her injury. If she is unwilling to deal with the aftermath and work through it with you, divorce would not be about her disability. It would be about her unwillingness to work through your marriage issues and be in unity in resolving them.

For a marriage to be healthy, each spouse should 100% have each other’s backs and seek to be in unity. If one partner retreats into herself, that is not unity. It is selfishness. Yes, your wife has experienced (is probably still experiencing) a terrible trauma, but shutting you out emotionally and physically only makes matters worse. It is marriage destroying behavior.

I’m not saying you should expect your wife to preform sexually, I’m talking about her connecting with you in ways that do not cause her further pain or trauma. She can do that, but she will have to be willing to work with you to work through it. If she’s not willing to work with you, her husband, to resolve the problems in your marriage, then she is not really willing to be a wife. That’s what husbands and wives do. They work together and support each other. Marriage is about doing life together. If she’s not willing to do that, then why is she married to you?

I don’t mean to be hard on your wife. Obviously this is an extreme situation where your wife is in a lot of pain on many planes; emotional, physical, sexual, relational, etc. It’s tough, but when she said, “I do,” she was saying “I do,” to be connected to you and live life as a unit with you. If she is unwilling to talk about this or work through it with you, she is not living up to her vows.

Demanding that she do what is right will make matters worse. There are ways to express our needs and expectations in a way that empowers the other person and is loving and kind. She might still be upset with you, but if you want to work through this, you are going to have to set some boundaries and start things moving in a forward direction. As it is right now, it sounds like your marriage has died. You are no longer working together, but are living separate lives like roommates or brother and sister. If you have some therapy to discuss ways to lovingly and effectively communicate it may help you prepare to establish what your boundaries are and to communicate that to your wife in a way that will encourage her to open up and work on resolving your marriage problems. If she’s not willing to do that, you’ll have to make some choices about what you want your life to look like and how you are going to make that happen.

I would like to specifically address some of the things you have said, but I don’t have time to do that. Hopefully I will be able to do that later, but hopefully this post will give you some food for thought and encourage you that you do have choices and can decide on a course of action to make things better in your life and ultimately the life of your child. You have great influence in your child’s life and the better off you are emotionally, the better it is for your child.


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