# Another night of insecurity...



## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Last night my husband got home late. He texted me that he would be late, but I was still quite worried. 

When he did get home, about an hour late, the first thing he said to me was, "This is so morbid, but do you ever picture what life would be like if we got divorced? I just can't picture you with another man. It makes me miss you even more". I wondered when on earth would make him say that. My husband is not a very emotional creature and, at the time, I actually thought it was rather touching. I told him he needn't worry because *I* couldn't picture me with anther man either. We held each other and cuddled for a while.

But tonight, I'm wondering what he meant by it, and what prompted him to say something like that. It might be weird to bring it up over a day later, mightn't it?


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Ask him. Maybe a friend or coworker is having a rough time 


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I hope this does not send you off into the deep end of the bayou. It is [only] speculation and intuition on my part.
You are a gentle soul. I hope God watches over you.

1) I read him like my mind-bound book.

2) He has guilty feelings about something. Find out what it is. Yes, it may mean that he truly Is considering....divorce. This is his way of breaking it to you. He is considering divorce but hates the thought of another man touching "his" women. He is conflicted.

3) He has confidence issues [with you]. He is not sure of his "grip" on you. May be related to line-2. I think this answer is weaker than line-2

4) His love for you is strong. He is a passionate man. He is very protective [jealous, also]. This may not be enough to keep him on the straight and narrow. Enough to keep him....to keep him close.

5) Your love drips from your lips........he is afraid some other crafty man will seek those lips and your honey words. This bothers him. Guilt, guilt, guilt.

6) When a man feels his loins stirring, his words speak truer than at any other time. Memorize this secret. It is key to your answers.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Ask him. Maybe a friend or coworker is having a rough time
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I asked him a little bit ago what made him think of it. He said, "I don't know. I just think of things like that sometimes."

Edit: We're going to play "The And" tonight, at my request. For the unfamiliar, "The And" is a game in which you ask each other deep questions about the relationship, sometimes troubling questions, and the other person must give an in-depth and honest answer, or else they have to look into their partner's eyes for 10 seconds before picking a new question. Usually, this game helps us connect and work through problems together.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> Last night my husband got home late. He texted me that he would be late, but I was still quite worried.
> 
> When he did get home, about an hour late, the first thing he said to me was, "This is so morbid, but do you ever picture what life would be like if we got divorced? I just can't picture you with another man. It makes me miss you even more". I wondered when on earth would make him say that. My husband is not a very emotional creature and, at the time, I actually thought it was rather touching. I told him he needn't worry because *I* couldn't picture me with anther man either. We held each other and cuddled for a while.
> 
> But tonight, I'm wondering what he meant by it, and what prompted him to say something like that. It might be weird to bring it up over a day later, mightn't it?


Ella,

I think that he probably just heard something that made him think about that. I don't think there's anything for you to worry about.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> Last night my husband got home late. He texted me that he would be late, but I was still quite worried.
> 
> When he did get home, about an hour late, the first thing he said to me was, "This is so morbid, but do you ever picture what life would be like if we got divorced? I just can't picture you with another man. It makes me miss you even more". I wondered when on earth would make him say that. My husband is not a very emotional creature and, at the time, I actually thought it was rather touching. I told him he needn't worry because *I* couldn't picture me with anther man either. We held each other and cuddled for a while.
> 
> But tonight, I'm wondering what he meant by it, and what prompted him to say something like that. It might be weird to bring it up over a day later, mightn't it?


This is a little different...but i have told my wife thay it worries me that if something were to happen to me that she would be alone...her grandmother spent the last 50 years of her life alone...and the thought of that makes me so sad. I told her to be open to love, she deserves happiness, i made her promise.

Maybe it was something like that?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> Last night my husband got home late. He texted me that he would be late, but I was still quite worried.
> 
> When he did get home, about an hour late, the first thing he said to me was, "This is so morbid, but do you ever picture what life would be like if we got divorced? I just can't picture you with another man. It makes me miss you even more". I wondered when on earth would make him say that. My husband is not a very emotional creature and, at the time, I actually thought it was rather touching. I told him he needn't worry because *I* couldn't picture me with anther man either. We held each other and cuddled for a while.
> 
> But tonight, I'm wondering what he meant by it, and what prompted him to say something like that. It might be weird to bring it up over a day later, mightn't it?


Bring it up! A good husband not going to have a problem with it and want to talk to you about it. Don't fear talking about it with your husband, he is your husband.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Well, we played "The And". Five questions apiece, and it lasted about half an hour. He asked me what I was not afraid of.

We talked about my insecurity, and I explained where it came from. It was something I'd read on a relationship forum, actually, a post about someone's experiences with infidelity. I confessed that I was afraid he had been unfaithful, and implored him that if ever he had, he should come right out and tell me every single last detail, no matter how deeply he thinks it might disturb me. I told him that telling me would actually mean a much, much greater chance to save the marriage. 


"Yes, but that kind of thing won't happen to us." he replied. "I have morals and integrity and I hope I've shown you that."

I told him that indeed he had shown morals and integrity, and that if anything, he was the more moral of us two. I told him I absolutely wasn't making any accusations, or trying to say that I didn't believe him to be a good and upstanding person, because he is. Perhaps a bit robotic at times, but very, very moral. 

"But I read about these people- people like us, people even better than us, the kind of people you read about in romantic novels- who come home one day and find their spouse has left them. And if it can happen to even them, it follows that it can happen to us.", I had said.

I told him that women are hard-wired to be attuned to when their relationships are going awry, and because I have an anxiety-based mental illness, the result is a hair-trigger mental alarm that goes off regularly, and unprovoked.

He said, with no exasperation or impatience in his voice, "I've tried to show you that I would never do that sort of thing. That I have integrity. I've tried to show you with consistent actions. I don't know what else I can do."

I caressed his face and I held his hands in mine and I said, "I know, Love. You're already doing the very most important thing, being consistent and honest in all your actions. Other things you might do are to talk me through it- just like this. Or just hold me and cuddle me. Or, really important, know and understand that if you're not doing anything wrong, my insecurities are just that- mine. My fears are a result of my own insanity rather than a reflection on you. My fears will eventually retreat back into the shadows and will leave us alone. YOU will remain as you are: lovely."

The next question was thankfully lighter. I asked him what he loved most about the ways in which we are "us".

He said, "I like that we're "us", it seems, more often than other couples are, that we're more intimate and affectionate, even in public. It makes me feel good to get envious stares from all the single people- and even all the couples!" 

I told him I loved that, too. <3

All in all, a good game of "The And", and a decently good evening.

My fears are not gone entirely, but I didn't expect them to be. I'll just have some hot cocoa and go to sleep next to him.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

All good stuff. If you continue to always make it a priority to talk like this you will have a successful marriage. Just keep building the team.


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## pygmalioneffect (Nov 28, 2016)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> Well, we played "The And". Five questions apiece, and it lasted about half an hour. He asked me what I was not afraid of.
> 
> We talked about my insecurity, and I explained where it came from. It was something I'd read on a relationship forum, actually, a post about someone's experiences with infidelity. I confessed that I was afraid he had been unfaithful, and implored him that if ever he had, he should come right out and tell me every single last detail, no matter how deeply he thinks it might disturb me. I told him that telling me would actually mean a much, much greater chance to save the marriage.
> 
> ...


I'd give all my limbs for my H to look in my eyes for 10 uninterrupted seconds. Let alone have this kind of conversation. 

Kudos to you for building such a great relationship.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

OP did you have a different account before the big password debacle? Your voice sounds familiar.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> Edit: We're going to play "The And" tonight, at my request. For the unfamiliar, "The And" is a game in which you ask each other deep questions about the relationship, sometimes troubling questions, and the other person must give an in-depth and honest answer, or else they have to look into their partner's eyes for 10 seconds before picking a new question. Usually, this game helps us connect and work through problems together.


LOL. My husband would blow his brains out before playing a 'game' like this. Actually, I'd probably blow my own brains out right along with him.:laugh:

Different strokes, I guess....


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL. My husband would blow his brains out before playing a 'game' like this. Actually, I'd probably blow my own brains out right along with him.:laugh:
> 
> *Different strokes, I guess....*


I would love it, myself. I bet any tension would just dissolve immediately upon really looking into each other's eyes for even 2 or 3 seconds, much less 10.

Very romantic, OP. 
@Duguesclin. Do you think we could try this?


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> OP did you have a different account before the big password debacle? Your voice sounds familiar.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


No, this is my first account here. I used to be on LoveShack though.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL. My husband would blow his brains out before playing a 'game' like this. Actually, I'd probably blow my own brains out right along with him.:laugh:
> 
> Different strokes, I guess....


I could do the talk, but I don't think I could look someone in the eyes for 10 seconds. I'm not insecure or afraid to give my opinions, read some of my post . Still, that is just too intense for me man.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

We've gotten almost all the way through a list of 300 questions, and I shall soon have to write more, but neither of us has ever passed on one. I think I'd be a little hurt if he did.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

jld said:


> I would love it, myself. I bet any tension would just dissolve immediately upon really looking into each other's eyes for even 2 or 3 seconds, much less 10.
> 
> Very romantic, OP.
> 
> @Duguesclin. Do you think we could try this?


Mrs>Marrieddude prefers (insists) that conversations like this occur nude, facing each other. She says "without armor". It's super hard to be upset at a naked person.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

MarriedDude said:


> Mrs>Marrieddude prefers (insists) that conversations like this occur nude, facing each other. She says "without armor". It's super hard to be upset at a naked person.


Great idea!


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

MarriedDude said:


> Mrs>Marrieddude prefers (insists) that conversations like this occur nude, facing each other. She says "without armor". It's super hard to be upset at a naked person.


Wowza! Emotional intimacy is one thing, but to do this literally naked would scare the ****ens out of me! Sexuality isn't my strong suit, nor it it his. We don't really have a very active sex life, but from what we've talked about neither of us really think of it as a terrible thing. We don't necessarily equate love with sex, because we were both virgins before we got married, and... well, frankly we're both kind of terrible at sex. We will occasionally have sex for the bonding aspect, but neither of us really expect it to feel good. We've been married five years and we've only just gotten to the point where it's not physically painful for us and neither of us needs to be drunk! :|

I think playing "The And" in the nude, especially while asking the sexual questions... is either a very wonderful or very terrible idea. I know what I'm going to suggest next date night!!


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## MSalmoides (Sep 29, 2016)

...


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

I remember your previous threads.

Didn't you have an EA shortly after you were married to your husband? That might be why he brought up the divorce topic.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Hope Shimmers said:


> I remember your previous threads.
> 
> Didn't you have an EA shortly after you were married to your husband? That might be why he brought up the divorce topic.


It may be, yes. I had hoped we were reconciling. He is my world. We spoke about the A last night when we played "The And". I said to him, "Of course I regret falling for another man. It was unequivocally the worst decision I've ever made, and I know it hurt you terribly. I wish more than anything I hadn't hurt you. However, I think the whole disaster taught me a lot about love that I mightn't have learned otherwise. I learned that you can- and you must- re-grow love when it dies. That all love, no matter how perfectly it starts out, will die if you don't cultivate it. And I learned, of course, how much you mean to me and how much you care for me."

He said he agreed. "Some things", he said, "you just can't learn from someone telling you. You have to go through it yourself to find out."


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> It may be, yes. I had hoped we were reconciling. He is my world. We spoke about the A last night when we played "The And". I said to him, "Of course I regret falling for another man. It was unequivocally the worst decision I've ever made, and I know it hurt you terribly. I wish more than anything I hadn't hurt you. However, I think the whole disaster taught me a lot about love that I mightn't have learned otherwise. I learned that you can- and you must- re-grow love when it dies. That all love, no matter how perfectly it starts out, will die if you don't cultivate it. And I learned, of course, how much you mean to me and how much you care for me."
> 
> He said he agreed. "Some things", he said, "you just can't learn from someone telling you. You have to go through it yourself to find out."


Would you feel comfortable explaining why you had the EA, and how you and your husband resolved it?


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

jld said:


> Would you feel comfortable explaining why you had the EA, and how you and your husband resolved it?


Very well. I got involved with a man online. I honestly cannot remember what made me like him, as looking back, he was physically and emotionally repulsive. He was an abusive monster who had the face of an evil garden gnome. At the time, the butterflies for my husband were fading for the first time, and so I thought I was falling out of love. The OM offered me a new life and a place to stay. He said he was very rich, but in hindsight I am sure he was lying. The relationship lasted for a month, and I was kicking and screaming the entire way. I didn't want to be in the relationship, but at the same time I was convinced it was over with my husband and, being that I am mentally ill, disabled, and generally incapable of living on my own, I was loath to give up my safety net. 

The whole thing was shameful and terrible. At one point I was convinced that if I moved in with him, he was going to kill me or use me as a sex slave, or both. He had threatened me with an ultimatum and said either I get on a plane NOW and move in with him or terrible things would happen to me. My plan was to get on the plane and if he killed me, then I deserved it for cheating. My mother found out two days before I was to get in the plane, and took me to the mental hospital. It took me MONTHS to realize he was abusive and that being afraid of the OM was not normal. It took me months after that to realize that the entire time at any point I could have refused to do the things the OM demanded of me. I really felt like I had no choice, and it fills me with shame to realize I could have said no, and deplorably chose not to. 

I confessed to my husband in the hospital. I kept a diary while I was in the hospital, and I told him of the affair and let him read my diary. It was the only time I'd ever seen him cry. He refused to sleep in our empty apartment the entire time I was in the hospital. It is to my further shame that he had to handle his recovery mostly on his own. I had been diagnosed with cptsd and abandonment issues, and was working through trying to process what I had done and why. I was in the hospital's day program for the severely disturbed for months. I will forever regret not being there for my husband during the first year post-A. I want to make it up to him as much as I can for the rest of forever with tender, loving gestures.

I'm going to cry in public if I keep writing, so I'm going to put my phone down and go be with him.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> Very well. I got involved with a man online. I honestly cannot remember what made me like him, as looking back, he was physically and emotionally repulsive. He was an abusive monster who had the face of an evil garden gnome. At the time, the butterflies for my husband were fading for the first time, and so I thought I was falling out of love. The OM offered me a new life and a place to stay. He said he was very rich, but in hindsight I am sure he was lying. The relationship lasted for a month, and I was kicking and screaming the entire way. I didn't want to be in the relationship, but at the same time I was convinced it was over with my husband and, being that I am mentally ill, disabled, and generally incapable of living on my own, I was loath to give up my safety net.
> 
> The whole thing was shameful and terrible. At one point I was convinced that if I moved in with him, he was going to kill me or use me as a sex slave, or both. He had threatened me with an ultimatum and said either I get on a plane NOW and move in with him or terrible things would happen to me. My plan was to get on the plane and if he killed me, then I deserved it for cheating. My mother found out two days before I was to get in the plane, and took me to the mental hospital. It took me MONTHS to realize he was abusive and that being afraid of the OM was not normal. It took me months after that to realize that the entire time at any point I could have refused to do the things the OM demanded of me. I really felt like I had no choice, and it fills me with shame to realize I could have said no, and deplorably chose not to.
> 
> ...


I am sorry you are hurting, Ella. I hope your husband can comfort you and help you heal.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MarriedDude said:


> Mrs>Marrieddude prefers (insists) that conversations like this occur nude, facing each other. She says "without armor". *It's super hard* to be upset at a naked person.


TMI


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> TMI


*Snrrk!* :grin2:


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> . My mother found out two days before I was to get in the plane
> 
> I'm going to cry in public if I keep writing, so I'm going to put my phone down and go be with him.


Thank God for Mothers like yours'.

*YOU *may move away from them but *THEY* never leave your side.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

@ElkaSuaveterre you must explore sex more earnestly with your H. Though you may not realize it, sex is more of a need than a want for almost all men. It's just a matter of degree. But it's the type of thing that if you, as a couple, allow to only be a small part of your marriage, will result in resentments building. And resentments are a relationship killer.

I suspect your H would never admit to himself this is happening and wouldn't want to hurt you by pushing sex on you, but don't take that to mean it's not very important. I can't say this in a way that makes sense but please believe sex is VERY important.

Please go into your sex life with the same sense of exploration and wonder as you do with love and other forms of intimacy. 

You will thank me later 

I saw a sex therapist and she recommended sex videos by The Sinclair Institute. They show couples and moderators openly talk about sex and actually having sex and it's very well received particularly by women. They show that all kinds of normal people can be open and try to experience things, talk about them, and they are VERY happy with each other. There is clearly closeness, respect and happiness there. My W really liked the little bit we've seen so far and we will watch more. I recommend you buy a bundle of videos so you can then decide what you enjoy watching, and can try a different one if you don't like one. My bundle contains one on anal sex that I know we won't do, but it will be interesting to see other real women talk about it. To me it is more about discovery and communication than the sex - because the communication is really what intimacy is about.

Oh and I love his TAM censored you when you wrote ****ens! 




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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> I asked him a little bit ago what made him think of it. He said, "I don't know. I just think of things like that sometimes."
> 
> Edit: *We're going to play "The And" tonight, at my request.* For the unfamiliar, "The And" is a game in which you ask each other deep questions about the relationship, sometimes troubling questions, and the other person must give an in-depth and honest answer, or else they have to look into their partner's eyes for 10 seconds before picking a new question. Usually, this game helps us connect and work through problems together.


Do you have a link for this game.. I did a quick search on Amazon.. but only seen a book by this name.. I have a few Question/ answer books lying around ... I've gotten those out on occasion - just to spice our discussions up...never heard of this game...



TheTruthHurts said:


> I saw a sex therapist and she recommended sex videos by The Sinclair Institute. They show couples and moderators openly talk about sex and actually having sex and it's very well received particularly by women. They show that all kinds of normal people can be open and try to experience things, talk about them, and they are VERY happy with each other. There is clearly closeness, respect and happiness there. My W really liked the little bit we've seen so far and we will watch more. I recommend you buy a bundle of videos so you can then decide what you enjoy watching, and can try a different one if you don't like one. My bundle contains one on anal sex that I know we won't do, but it will be interesting to see other real women talk about it. To me it is more about discovery and communication than the sex - because the communication is really what intimacy is about.


 Lots of videos to choose from here >> Instructional - Sinclair Institute Videos  ... yrs ago now.. we rented porn ....they had a # of these...I put every one of them in my queue , enjoyed them!


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> @ElkaSuaveterre you must explore sex more earnestly with your H. Though you may not realize it, sex is more of a need than a want for almost all men. It's just a matter of degree. But it's the type of thing that if you, as a couple, allow to only be a small part of your marriage, will result in resentments building. And resentments are a relationship killer.
> 
> I suspect your H would never admit to himself this is happening and wouldn't want to hurt you by pushing sex on you, but don't take that to mean it's not very important. I can't say this in a way that makes sense but please believe sex is VERY important.
> 
> ...


I see. I do have a sense of exploration and wonder when we make love. Actually, throughout the course of our marriage, *I* have initiated sex almost every single time. I can't ever remember him initiating, but I say almost always because it had to have happened at least once. We both look at porn and pleasure ourselves and we're both 100% okay with the other doing so. We've had many talks about our sex life (or lack thereof) and neither of us seems resentful. Though I personally am a little sad because I read in my romantic novels that sex is the pinnacle of the expression of love, and for us it just isn't, I could never be angry with him. It's simply not his fault, nor is it mine. We're just extremely sexually awkward.

I love him very much and would like to open up this avenue of bonding for us both. Last time we put serious effort into it, a couple months ago, we learned how to make it not hurt, so that was a major plus. When we were done, I actually cried because we'd never done it so smoothly before. I'm sure I'll cry again the first time he climaxes with me. I hope that actually happens someday. :frown2:


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Do you have a link for this game.. I did a quick search on Amazon.. but only seen a book by this name.. I have a few Question/ answer books lying around ... I've gotten those out on occasion - just to spice our discussions up...never heard of this game...




Well, it's based on a documentary project called "The And" by a company called "The Skin Deep" and they had several couples play the game. I have a list of questions, some of which I wrote, some of which I found elsewhere. I could give a list of them, but it's really long- over 300 questions!


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Oh my gosh, something just happened!! 

I asked him if he'd be okay with maybe tucking me in tonight, and maybe making me hot cocoa, like I sometimes do for him... he said yes, he would!! I can't believe I asked him that. I can't believe he said yes! Will it still feel like a sweet gesture, since I "made" him do it and he didn't just decide to do it on his own? I dunno, but it surely can't feel worse than _not_ being pampered, right?

He's going to tuck me in! And make me hot cocoa!!


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

He did indeed make me a hot drink. I wasn't in the mood for chocolate so he made me warm milk with honey instead. It was lovely. Then he tucked me into the spare bed we keep as my sickbed and my own private sanctuary. 

I was in too much pain to actually sleep, so we ended up watching his favorite action cartoons, he on the loveseat and I in the bed. He eventually dove under the covers of my bed when I least expected it, and there he sleeps. I'm in the master bedroom. I know he wants to sleep in the comfy bed with me, but it's only a full sized bed and we can't both fit in there with the heavy blankets and the ten million cushions. 

I'll have to either sleep here in the master bedroom or curl up with him in my bed. 

Someday soon, when final exams are over and I'm feeling more up to it, I want to have a real date with him. To dress up, with mascara and curled hair and an evening gown, go out to a 5-star Italian restaurant, and then maybe go and paint pottery...


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> Edit: We're going to play "The And" tonight, at my request. For the unfamiliar, "The And" is a game in which you ask each other deep questions about the relationship, sometimes troubling questions, and the other person must give an in-depth and honest answer, or else they have to look into their partner's eyes for 10 seconds before picking a new question. Usually, this game helps us connect and work through problems together.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

notmyrealname4 said:


>


I am. We did. It was lovely. :smile2:


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

@EllaSuaveterre



Well, you have a marriage in a million--or 10,000, or some really high number.


My husband and I can't be that honest with each other; but not only that, I think his mind would be pre-occupied the whole time with the sports that he wasn't getting to watch.


But I think that it's great for you guys, I really do. Please forgive my cynicism.


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## katmouse (Dec 5, 2016)

You don't sleep in a bed with your own husband?


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