# How do I get back my 'sexyness', respect, etc. from her?



## Lars (May 3, 2010)

ha!
I have another thread on here that explains just about everything in my case, but quickly:

Even early in our problems, when I found out she wanted to leave and was having an EA, we were still having great sex and she was turned on by me. I was out of shape and fresh out of a couple years' drunkeness.

Jan/Feb this year, thinking I was losing her, I did the begging/crying/pleading/ you know, all the things they say NOT to do, I lost a lot of weight, was depressed as hell, and it was like somebody suddenly flipped a switch in her. She was turned off, didn't want me touching her and sex stopped. I felt like a little , puppy following her around...a little boy. Up until then she still told me I was sexy, looked good, etc.

FFWD now, couple months later, I'm confident, muscular, funny, talkative, I listen to her, and look and feel better (in every way) than I have EVER in my life...so what now? Can I ever get back her respect, attraction, sexual desire again? All other things are slowly working for the better, but not having sex...or when we do, she's not into it, just sucks! There are other issues in our marriage, but the timeline of this one was clear...she stopped wanting me right after my emotional breakdowns.

I was thinking about just taking her clothes off, period...or walking to her just naked as hell....and not asking, but taking. It's been suggested to others here, just act like a man and take back your own romance.

Any advice? I appreciate it gentlemen!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Write down a list of the loving things you do for her in a typical week. That includes spending quality time, acts of service, saying I love you, gifts, taking her out. Hugging her, touching her, flirting with her etc.

Now make a list of what she does for you. 

Compare the two lists. My guess - you are giving a lot more love than you are getting. That is making her feel emotionally crowded - kind of like you are a little needy/clingy. Because she is taking all that love as you asking her "do you love me back?" And THAT is a turnoff for most women.

In a very careful way, without making it obvious to her, cut back on the quantity of love you are radiating at her. Don't cut back on quality, just quantity. 

When you are together be that same fun, kind, funny guy. But spend LESS time doing it. Say I love you less. Say it sincerely, but say it LESS. If you are always the one to say it first - STOP DOING THAT. If you are always hugging HER, stop doing that. Let her hug you. 

If you are sending her a lot of text messages/ or calling her a lot during the day. CUT BACK. Keep cutting back until she is calling/texting you first as often as you are her. 

Do NOT be distant/cold/unfriendly in any way. Just cut back the quantity. And wait a week. Repeat the process until SHE is approaching you more. One good tactic is to be home less. Go to the gym more, go do a sport with friends. Don't try to make her jealous by staying out at bars - THAT is not helpful. But make yourself less available to her. 

If this works - and it often does - she will want to have sex with you to bond you closer emotionally. When that happens, try to be more dominant in bed. Take control - pin her down. If that does turn her on - and it does for most women - gradually try being a little rough - either in how you move her around or spanking/etc. 




Lars said:


> ha!
> I have another thread on here that explains just about everything in my case, but quickly:
> 
> Even early in our problems, when I found out she wanted to leave and was having an EA, we were still having great sex and she was turned on by me. I was out of shape and fresh out of a couple years' drunkeness.
> ...


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## Lars (May 3, 2010)

I thank you sir for your reply!

This is great advice, because I actually HAVE been doing that, somewhat more than usual, the past couple/few weeks...almost no texts/calls during the day (use to be a lot more at first), maybe 1 email and it's usually something funny (use to be 2-3 and sometimes crap about the marriage)....and yes I have noticed, a little more than usual, she'll walk over to ME and hug or kiss me....or she'll say 'love ya' when hanging up the phone before I do...this sort of thing DIDN'T happen a month or two ago, after my breakdowns. Little things like the other day she told me how good a shirt looked on me, that she likes that shirt and the way she was looking at me and smiling, haven't seen that in a while! But then it'll go from that to nothing the next day.

Roller coaster but I'll take it.

I'll be careful - and do more of less like you say! I do have a lot of art shows and things like that going on soon (getting paintings ready), and I also just got back into hiking/trail running after work. Good things either way!

When I came home today, I didn't go straight to her...I did some things downstairs (I use to go straight upstairs immediately and hang on her - she works from home web designing) and when I finally went up to the bedroom she came out of the bathroom in her gear to go walking....I was shirtless getting ready to lift weights. She came over to me, kiss/hug, a 'little' more squeeze than usual and a smile. I put my hands on her chin/cheeks and pulled her over for another longer kiss....afterward she said 'oh you shaved your beard, good!' (she hated all the face hair hah). It was a good exchange for the most part, and tonight she's doing labs for her class so I won't get to talk to her much....but that's ok, there's no chance of smothering her ha! I'm good at picking up on small things with her, always have....and my scanner is all the way up right now.
Thanks for the advice, I'll try it - and post back. I appreciate it!


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Couldn't have said it better MEM11363. Knowing when to draw in very close and when to back off a bit is a fine line, but most important....


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Stop doing this to get a reaction her whether that is "smothering" or "pulling back". You need to have expectations of how you should be treated in marriage. If she isn't making the cut let her know what you expect and why you expect it. Pulling back will only work for so long, as soon as she gives you the response you desire you will overreact. Just like you did by going in for another long kiss. You need to be truthful to yourself. If being very affectionate is part of your personality then be that because you were that when she married you. If you have been over affectionate just for a response then go back to the level that is normal to you. My main point is be you" not the "you" you think will get a certain reaction from her.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Kobo,
I didn't get this stuff out of a book - I got it from my real life 20+ year marriage. And - it works very very well for me/us. 

You do however bring up a great point. Most guys fail at this because the woman sense what is happening and just does some little things, hugs, kisses, etc to show him some kindness and all his pent up desire for love comes out, he overreacts and immediately goes back to smothering her. For this to work, the man has to have strong emotional control - when she does something to pull him in - he can give her a quick smile and thats it. Which is a polite acknowledgment of her action - but not an emotional "thank you thank you for finally paying attention to me"

I do think if she overtly flirts with him before bedtime he can do the time honored "smoothly put powerfully pin her against the nearest wall - hold her hands out spreadeagled - give her his best kiss" and then pull back, smile and walk away without a backward glance. 

Last but not least - we all like to complain. If you want to amplify desire - DO NOT complain about her/work/life in general unless something really terrible happens.




Kobo said:


> Stop doing this to get a reaction her whether that is "smothering" or "pulling back". You need to have expectations of how you should be treated in marriage. If she isn't making the cut let her know what you expect and why you expect it. Pulling back will only work for so long, as soon as she gives you the response you desire you will overreact. Just like you did by going in for another long kiss. You need to be truthful to yourself. If being very affectionate is part of your personality then be that because you were that when she married you. If you have been over affectionate just for a response then go back to the level that is normal to you. My main point is be you" not the "you" you think will get a certain reaction from her.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Thanks HH. 




HappyHer said:


> Couldn't have said it better MEM11363. Knowing when to draw in very close and when to back off a bit is a fine line, but most important....


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## Lars (May 3, 2010)

Thanks to you all for the advice, I appreciate it. 
Kobo you do have a point, and yes I was being over affection for a while - thinking I was losing her, I had just stopped drinking, realized the marriage was damaged, she was hurt, etc. so I was in a panic mode....and I know for a fact that has turned her off. I've learned a lot about emotional control, and still practicing! I will, soon, talk to her about our marriage and what I expect, etc. but right now we're too soon out of my abuse and she's still hurting, still has resentment. I thought I'd give her some time to think, to heal, and let things calm down a bit before bringing it back up again. There area some other factors too, some health issues - stress around her job hunting, etc. so I'm being patient as possible. It'll happen or it won't but I'm going make sure I've done everything I am able to do. 
Thanks again all!


Kobo said:


> Stop doing this to get a reaction her whether that is "smothering" or "pulling back". You need to have expectations of how you should be treated in marriage. If she isn't making the cut let her know what you expect and why you expect it. Pulling back will only work for so long, as soon as she gives you the response you desire you will overreact. Just like you did by going in for another long kiss. You need to be truthful to yourself. If being very affectionate is part of your personality then be that because you were that when she married you. If you have been over affectionate just for a response then go back to the level that is normal to you. My main point is be you" not the "you" you think will get a certain reaction from her.


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