# Am I wrong?



## newmomma (May 24, 2012)

Hello, I'm new here. Just looking for some advice. I just had a baby 2 months ago so my sex drive is pretty low. When I was prego it was even lower and before I became prego it wasn't that great. Me and my husband met in the army and got married a year after we met. We've now been married 2 years. I give him sex to help him out not because I really want it. Unfortunately a year and a half ago he lost his sister and neice in a fire and has been depressed ever since, which is why he left the army almost a year ago. I got out about 6 months before him due to medical reasons which I'm being compensated for. He hasn't looked for a job or had the enthusiasm to do anything for us or even himself for that matter. He's run out of unemployment before the baby was even born. I'm saying all this to get to the point that he doesn't help out and still thinks I should give him sex. I've been taking classes online since before the baby to make extra income, since military vets can get paid to go. I'm always trying to balance all the school work, taking care of the baby, making sure we all have food (got us government assistance) and trying to find ways to keep us with what we need. I'm exhausted. But he finds any excuse to not help out. He plays video games all day everyday. If he's not playing video games wasting the electricity I pay for, he's sleep. He gets mad if I try to get him to feed the baby or hold her to get her to stop crying. 
I can't concentrate on schoolwork with a screaming baby in my ear. I've been suggesting him to go to the VA if his depression is so bad that he can't do anything useful but he won't. He could get compensated for it if it's really that bad. HE gets angry so easily when the baby cries for like 30 secs. Is with holding sex from him bad? I'm way too exhausted when I'm still reading chapters at 4am because I've had to juggle him and the baby. I can't stand being in the same room with him when I'm working hard doing work to help pay his bills, while he's sitting there playing video games.I don't know what to do, I figure sex would help make him do stuff but he's still so lazy.

It is also painful for me to have sex since i tore when I had the baby. I'm not overweight, I actually had the baby early due to her not growing well, basically because I didn't have much food to eat during the pregnancy. Also, he smokes and can't even afford those. I had to bribe him with a carton of cigs to help me unpack my studio so I could do my schoolwork easier. I even put the crib together and her dresser by myself while I was very much prego.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband has become a burden on you. 
You need to set some boundaries. 

Either he do the things he needs to do or you will divorce him. The way he is right now, nothing short of losing his meal ticket will get him to wake up and re-join life.

He needs to go to the VA, get diagnosed and get the treatment he needs. He needs to either go to school and get financial aid or get a job. He needs to help out 50% at home and with you child.

If he’s playing video games all the time… get rid of the video games and game system. Hock it. You could use the money.

You are part of the problem here. You are enabling your husband by putting up with his bad behavior and supporting him financially. If he did not have you to use as his sugar mamma, he’s have to get a job and function in life.

As for withholding sex? In this situation I see nothing wrong with withholding sex until he comes to his senses. On top of all this you are still healing from your child birth. Take better care of yourself physically and emotionally.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Tell him, since he doesn't have a job...his job is to get a job. Tell him, take the hours of the week he would devote to a job, if he had one, and devote that many trying to get one.

Heard this on doctor Phil..


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your not sexual to him, because he is not acting like a proper man, father, and husband... Pretty simple equation. 

Tell him when he becomes a man, you will be a woman to him.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

withholding sex is usually bad, but in your case it doesn't seem to be getting the message across. He is obviously in a very dark place and needs professional help for depression and grief counseling.

When it reaches the point where you are bribing him with cigs to help you with something any decent husband would do in a heartbeat... that's just inexcusable, for both of you.

He needs a wake up call - ground rules, boundaries, ultamatims. He needs to know that you will leave him if he doesn't shape up.



> I figure sex would help make him do stuff but he's still so lazy.


It shouldn't be a dangling carrot to make him do stuff.. it should be an expression of love and mutual pleasure/attraction. Have sex because you love him, if you still do.

But he should understand that in his current state he is in no position to demand anything from you, especially with a 2 month old!

he should learn what is and isn't sexy and that he has to do things to make himself attractive to you in order to get what he wants/needs. perpetual video games, sleeping in, not looking for work = unsexy, period. getting his **** together, pulling his weight as a provider and as a dad, proactively taking steps to make you feel secure, appreciated and cherished = sexy.

Also, please tell me he's not smoking anywhere near the baby. that needs to stop yesterday. I've quit smoking and I know it sucks, but it doesn't suck nearly as much as exposing a baby to second hand smoke. I believe I'm a pretty good husband and we have a pretty good marrige... but I know that if I lit up inside the house I'm pretty sure my wife would kick me to the curb, immediately.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

newmomma said:


> I give him sex to help him out not because I really want it.


You have the right to expect a fulfilling sex life within a marriage. 

You say you never really liked sex and you seem to think that it is something that you can 'give' to your husband, if he deserves it, and not a vital form of bonding, without which your marriage will not survive.

If you can't/won't have sex it is your duty to sort out your problem. A marriage without sex is not a marriage.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

johnnycomelately said:


> You have the right to expect a fulfilling sex life within a marriage.
> 
> You say you never really liked sex and you seem to think that it is something that you can 'give' to your husband, if he deserves it, and not a vital form of bonding, without which your marriage will not survive.
> 
> If you can't/won't have sex it is your duty to sort out your problem. A marriage without sex is not a marriage.


a little harsh there... she's given a number of legitimate reasons - pregnancy complications not withstanding - not to want to jump her husband. sex is important, but so is pulling your weight, which this guy is clearly not.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

nader said:


> a little harsh there... she's given a number of legitimate reasons - pregnancy complications not withstanding - not to want to jump her husband. sex is important, but so is pulling your weight, which this guy is clearly not.


She said that she felt the same before the pregnancy. 

I didn't mean to be harsh but the tone of her post seems to suggest that she sees sex as a tool with which to manipulate her husband. She doesn't seem to see sex as a right, but as a favour to bestow when she needs something.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

> I didn't mean to be harsh but the tone of her post seems to suggest that she sees sex as a tool with which to manipulate her husband. She doesn't seem to see sex as a right, but as a favour to bestow when she needs something.


Yes, I'd normally be the first to point this out.. when the husband is at least attempting to do his fair share. According to her story, this guy is not. I would not have expected my wife to stay with me, much less have sex with me, if I'd acted this way during/after a pregnancy.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Sex may be an issue, but it's not the primary one.

If he doesn't work, he doesn't play. He needs to stop playing video games for the time being. He's likely hooked pretty bad, so he will fight you on this point, but it's what he needs.

He needs to wake up early, get some exercise and make a point to focus on finding work and/or get training for a new job every day. THAT is his job: to find work to support his family.

He also needs to help out with the baby a ton since he's not working. Unless he's going to an interview and can't have the baby along there's no reason he can't be a Mr. Mom.

Does he have someone close by to help (lovingly) kick his behind into gear? Perhaps a friend, family member, or someone at church?


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

I'd usually always side with the HD side, but in this one, I do not. It sounds as if you do not respect him or want to be with him. If you feel your needs aren't being taken care of, why should you take care of his? This will only snowball and get worse. Compromise,let him know what you need in order to be okay with giving yourself to him. If he decides making those changes are not worth it, find yourself a MC or a lawyer. Good luck.


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## newmomma (May 24, 2012)

nader said:


> withholding sex is usually bad, but in your case it doesn't seem to be getting the message across. He is obviously in a very dark place and needs professional help for depression and grief counseling.
> 
> When it reaches the point where you are bribing him with cigs to help you with something any decent husband would do in a heartbeat... that's just inexcusable, for both of you.
> 
> ...


HE actually goes outside to smoke. At first I told him he needed to wash his hands and make sure he wasn't all smokey around the baby, but that happened for about the first 2 weeks then he stopped. I'm not attracted to a lazy bum, it's hard for me to get in the mood with someone that stresses me out daily, and doesn't help me get more rest when he could be doing stuff to allow me to not work as hard.

What makes matters a bit more complicated is that when we met I was in a bad depression of my own. We both obviously were getting paid, but he was actually one rank above me and was a hard worker in the Army, as was I. But at the time we were becoming an item, I was in pysche wards a lot. Actually, he would drive 6 hours to the hospital they put me in for 69 days. He was the only person who visited me. HE was an amazing guy. He stayed for the one hour visitation and waited another 4 hours or so in his car for the special visitation hour. So that fact alone, how he was there for me at my worse is why I put up with him now. That and I don't want a broken family for my daughter. MY mom lost custody of all 3 of her kids and doesn't know the father of any of us. I don't want to be in the trend. He was once good and I know that person is still in there somewhere.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

So sorry to hear that. As a new dad, my heart goes out to you  

I hope both of you can get the help you need.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

I strongly disagree with "using sex" as a form of control. BUT in this case you need to deal directly and aggressively with the actual problem which is his depression/inaction.

You need to be clear with him that for the sake of your marriage and your child he needs to deal directly with his depression, set himself some goals and get moving or your marriage is not going to last.


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## newmomma (May 24, 2012)

Browncoat said:


> Sex may be an issue, but it's not the primary one.
> 
> If he doesn't work, he doesn't play. He needs to stop playing video games for the time being. He's likely hooked pretty bad, so he will fight you on this point, but it's what he needs.
> 
> ...



I wish he had some one to look up to. HE's an athiest for one, especially since his sister and neices deaths. He's hard headed towards his mom, and his dad isn't the most serious guy. When ever I've mentioned motivating him to his dad, he kinda makes some type of joke like, "Need me to beat it out of him?" Here's what probably makes him more lazy, all of his friends live with their moms. None of them work. One did recently get a degree, but has still not found work, yet him and his brother have cars and working cellphones and World of Warcraft subscriptions because their mom pays for that stuff. We're all around 24 in age btw. 
I genuinely wanted to move closer to my family when we left Texas and the Army, but he insisted we live near his family, who isn't much help. I relunctantly agreed for the simple fact that he missed them and was so far away when the fire happened. My family has helped unpack and helped us get this place and move in While I was too prego to pick up much. When they've helped out, they've had to drive 3 1/2 hours to get here. That time they unpacked, my husband was MIA for the first half of the day, so we had my grandmom even helping to fold and put his clothes away. I understand they are loud sometimes and even I don't like to be around them, but they were only there to help because he wouldn't.

He won't find a job because we don't have a running vehicle. He won't look for a local one because I guess he doesn't want any of his friends seeing him. I spoke to a friend of his who was also his sisters friend and she mentioned that when he joined the Army he expected to be at a much higher status than he is now. Like his pride has gotten to him. Like he doesn't want to stoop to a low end job after being in such a highly respected one. For one, he told me he's not working in anything that has to do with food.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

His behavior is not acceptable. He needs to find a job. If he can't find motivation in his own perhaps you should consider a separation.

I'm not suggesting you separate as a tool to get him to work, neither divorce nor separation should be branded around like weapons in a marriage. Still if your husband wants to sit around playing WoW all day instead of acting like a husband and a father... well he can and should do that on his own.

If he gets his act together then great. If not well the question is how long do you really think this behavior should carry on? 6 months? 1 year? 5 years? 10 years? At some point he needs to man up and do what good husbands do. Either be Mr. Mom and take care of everything at home while you work, or be employed and responsible. Playing WoW all day is not an option.

Oh and just so you know, I've played WoW since it first came out. I know it can be addicting, and I've seen it hurt others. I still play it, but I only log on to raid 1-3 nights a week (we have 8/8 HM DS on farm). I log off right after raid and go to bed, and I don't start raiding until the kids are all in bed.


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## newmomma (May 24, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> You have the right to expect a fulfilling sex life within a marriage.
> 
> You say you never really liked sex and you seem to think that it is something that you can 'give' to your husband, if he deserves it, and not a vital form of bonding, without which your marriage will not survive.
> 
> If you can't/won't have sex it is your duty to sort out your problem. A marriage without sex is not a marriage.


I have just never been that big on sex. I crave it every once in a while but it's pretty far in between. It's my own mental issues that have a problem with that. HE was a virgin when we met and none of his friends even want girlfriends so I guess I didn't see that as being as big of a deal as it seems at this point. 

More so now is where I have a problem with trying to please him since he's been out of work since last June. He didn't help me much when I was prego, and isn't helping now. I even mention how his sisters remaining children don't have either of their parents now because they both had dead beat dads. And they're sisters and haven't seen each other since Christmas since they live with different grandparents who can't even agree on visitation. I hope that will motivate him not to be a dead beat for his late sisters sake but sometimes I guess it makes it worse since he's gotten angry and told me I didn't know his sister.


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## newmomma (May 24, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Your husband has become a burden on you.
> You need to set some boundaries.
> 
> Either he do the things he needs to do or you will divorce him. The way he is right now, nothing short of losing his meal ticket will get him to wake up and re-join life.
> ...


I can't really get rid of his laptop. But the other games he plays are stuff I would use if I actually had the time. One thing we had in common is that we both are gamers. I live out in the middle of no where near all his relatives. The apartment is in both our names and I am not going to leave my daughter homeless when I've actually got an affordable place now ($525 a month for a 3 bedroom no government assistance crazy). I can't shut off the electric since obviously that would affect me and my daughter. I'm not rushing for divorce because I know deep down inside he's a good guy. I just can't figure out how to get the old him to come back out.
Trust me, I think about it all the time, like if I forced him to be on his own, he'd realize he needs to do something, but I can't kick him out an apartment that is also technically his. I've gone to his (female) friends house to get some help with the baby so I can get school work done since she doesn't mind holding her and feeding her etc, but I hate the fact that he still winds up getting even more of a break. Next month I'm going to visit my family for a week and they are going to help me with the baby so I can have somewhat of a break. But again, I don't think I should have to leave the place I pay for and give him the pleasure of having the house to himself with no responsibilities.


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

Cancel his wow subscription. You're the one paying for it right?


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## newmomma (May 24, 2012)

MrsOldNews said:


> Cancel his wow subscription. You're the one paying for it right?


I actually don't know how it's being paid for. I know it he signed up for the year contract in order to get another game, Diablo 3. I'm not sure how that works if he can't pay for it anymore or when he was getting unemployment if he paid for a longer time at once. He actually beat that game in about 2 days though so it's old news now. We also have a PS3 with a ton of games. And his friends come over (annoys that crap out of me when I'm tired since they're loud) and they play magic (card game) and watch youtube videos and stuff like that, so even if the subscription ends, he's got other stuff to play. It's unfortunate now, but since we've both been gamers for so long, we have a huge collection. You can't play video games for 20 hours a day while full time military... He says the games make him feel less depressed.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

newmomma said:


> He says the games make him feel less depressed.


In a way yes. Overall no.

Yes, because when you play and really get into games you focus so much on it everything: time, problems, w/e just melt away until all that's left is the game and doing the next XYZ that you need to do to advance further. In game like WoW or D3 it's getting that next boss kill, next quest, next PvP kill that drives the player.

When hooked you just go and go, like a good book you can't seem to put down because you just have to find out what's next... a good game can do the same to someone who is completely hooked.

No, because games don't make your problems go away. It just makes you numb to them and engaged in the game. Once you stop playing for a while it's worse because not only aren't you getting that gaming "fix" atm, you have time to consider all that's going on in your life that's wrong. Then that depression/stress/anxiety kicks back in. It's easier for that person to return to playing games and numb himself to his world and his problems and just skate through life.

The hard and right thing to do is to face his problems and do something about them.


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