# out all night



## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

My partner didnt come home last nite.
To cut a long story short We had an argument and he said he was fed up with arguments and wanted freedom and wanted to go out and watch his brothers band play. He told me it wasnt over between us but was going for a walk.

He went for a walk to calm down then come home. I had calmed down and didnt talk when he came in so he said 'I am going out again.
One hour later I text, it was getting late and wanted to lock the door.
He text back saying he was staying at his brothers and we woould talk in morning and not to bother contacting him he needed sleep.

I started to panic because of the context of our argument. He has stayed at his brothers before and I have trusted him but this time when he was talking about freedom I went to pieces and asked him to come home.

He said he was fed up with the arguing and its over. Hes was so angry and nasty.

I really dont know what he was up to - if he was with another women? I begged hm to com home saying why didnt you text me to say you were going to your brothers. He said you knew I was going out. I said but 'not all night, please dont I feel ill and it will ruin our trust'. He told me he had no intention of texting me

His texting went silent for two hours then he text back to say he was coming home if I didnt argue. he came back at 4.30pm.

This morning he is apologetic and doesnt want to break.
Im not so sure

Now he regrets what he did by staying out


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

This looks more like a control issue. You two got into another argument, you lost control of the situation and now he comes running back apologizing....like a freakin' moron giving you the control right back. 

Now the ball is back in your court. It is completely normal for someone to get away after a nasty argument so the tension can cease and you two do not kill each other. He went to see his brother; however, in your head, you think he went to go f*ck some random woman. 

If he was smart, he would apologize about his part in the argument and NOT for leaving. However, by the looks of it, you regained control and are probably 'mind gaming' him now.

You need a MC


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

wise said:


> This looks more like a control issue. You two got into another argument, you lost control of the situation and now he comes running back apologizing....like a freakin' moron giving you the control right back.
> 
> Now the ball is back in your court. It is completely normal for someone to get away after a nasty argument so the tension can cease and you two do not kill each other. He went to see his brother; however, in your head, you think he went to go f*ck some random woman.
> 
> ...


Yes I did regain control. Mind gaming Im not sure but alot of crying and reliving last night. He has now regained control and leaving again.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Let him go and don't text him. Go dark. 

What did you argue about?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

familygirl said:


> My partner didnt come home last nite.
> To cut a long story short We had an argument and he said he was fed up with arguments and wanted freedom and wanted to go out and watch his brothers band play. He told me it wasnt over between us but was going for a walk.
> 
> He went for a walk to calm down then come home. I had calmed down and didnt talk when he came in so he said 'I am going out again.
> ...


Reading this, what I see is, "I'm afraid he cheated on me and I feel like I don't have control over him." What I do NOT see is concern for why he feels the way he does. 

Your focus shouldn't be on getting him to stay at home. Your focus needs to be why he's unhappy in the first place.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

People want want they can't have.
Your old man thinks he has you...its time to show him he doesn't.

Show him you will not tolorate his crap by giving him the indifference he diserves for his actions.

Bad behavior will continue with out consequences. give him what he wants...he just might start to second guess his choices.

I think he has your number and you ain't going any were, so why should he change!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If I recall correctly, your husband starts fights often then uses the fights as an excuse to go out for hours drinking and partying. He does not want to spend time with you.

This is not about this one fight and this one night. It's about a marriage where he will not work with you to solve problems and make your marriage better. That's where your focus needs to be


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

familygirl said:


> My partner didnt come home last nite.
> His texting went silent for two hours then he text back to say he was coming home if I didnt argue. he came back at 4.30pm.


To me, this is abusive. My husband used to do this. He is emotionally blackmailing you by saying "if you get upset with me/argue, then i won't come home" and it's an attempt to control you and your feelings. He hurts you in order to regain control.

In order to get my husband to stop, we had to go to marriage counseling. You can NOT threaten to leave in a marriage.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

ariel_angel77 said:


> To me, this is abusive. My husband used to do this. He is emotionally blackmailing you by saying "if you get upset with me/argue, then i won't come home" and it's an attempt to control you and your feelings. He hurts you in order to regain control.
> 
> In order to get my husband to stop, we had to go to marriage counseling. You can NOT threaten to leave in a marriage.


Yes, but it is also a way of notifying her that he is not happy. Either way, she needs to stop accepting this, but it's necessary to figure out what prompts him to be unhappy, too, if she wants to salvage the relationship. (Assuming it is possible to save!)


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

thanks guys

I think my problem is my reoccuring thoughts of betrayal (he lies often) and his problem is he doesnt want to hear about it


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

familygirl said:


> thanks guys
> 
> I think my problem is my reoccuring thoughts of betrayal (he lies often) and his problem is he doesnt want to hear about it


What you discriped is a red flag for infidelity.

If your old man doesn;t want to hear about it then show him.

Go James Bond on his butt and start validating his loyalty, look at his text and check the bank statement, get a VAR, and see if he is even worth trusting.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Just a thought - when a person starts blabbing about freedom that is not the time to get clingy, crying and hysterical. They'll feel smothered. If you suspect cheating, get some proof. His lieing is another kettle of fish.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I agree that people shouldn't threaten to leave their marriage if they aren't going to do so.

Your husband should be careful what he wishes for...my husbands ex wife used to threaten divorce on a regular basis to try to get her own way. One day hubby simply said "ok". She said "What? You want me to leave?" He said "Yep". And that was that. She got the shock of her life. For years he kowtowed to her demands and threats to keep the peace, and he finally had enough.

Your husband might just find you do the same thing if he keeps this up.

That doesn't mean you're totally blameless here...I don't know what the fight was about so i can't really comment on that.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Sounds pretty sketch. What are your current boundaries in terms of him going out late and drinking?

You need to figure out what your non-negotiables are and discuss those with him. It's not OK for him to violate your boundaries because you're fighting. That being said, if you're not communicating with him on what those boundaries are, he may not be doing anything wrong.

Personally, I wouldn't be comfortable with my spouse running out to a bar and staying overnight somewhere else, because it's too easy to cheat that way. Have you expressed your displeasure with this in the past?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

familygirl said:


> thanks guys
> 
> I think my problem is my reoccuring thoughts of betrayal (he lies often) and his problem is he doesnt want to hear about it


I'd have to rephrase this to "My problem is that I don't honor my own values and take responsibility for my own well-being."


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

KathyBatesel said:


> Reading this, what I see is, "I'm afraid he cheated on me and I feel like I don't have control over him." What I do NOT see is concern for why he feels the way he does.
> 
> Your focus shouldn't be on getting him to stay at home. Your focus needs to be why he's unhappy in the first place.


This :smthumbup:


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

familygirl said:


> thanks guys
> 
> I think my problem is my reoccuring thoughts of betrayal (he lies often) and his problem is he doesnt want to hear about it


So why are you with him still? 

If there is no trust, there is no relationship. The feeling you have in your gut will never go away and only deepen as time goes on.

You deserve better than that. 

If he is not willing to work on it, it's not going to work and you might as well proceed to divorce. Unless you want to catch some STDs......


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> I'd have to rephrase this to "My problem is that I don't honor my own values and take responsibility for my own well-being."


Thanks KathyBatesel and for other who replied
Kathy to reply to your last post:
I have asked my partner why he behaves like this and even gone to counselling. His reply is usually 'I dont know why I do this' or I 'dont wlnt to talk about this'. I never get a clear answer. On this particular time he initially said 'I want to make you see that i dont want to talk' but when he come home he said he was angry and wasnt thinking straight.
I really feel for him and dont want to leave the relationship in case I get over him and he starts to have regrets a few months down the line

In reply to this post. Yes you are right I dont honour my own values and by this i am inviting this type of behaviour and therefore responsible for my feelings


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

familygirl said:


> Thanks KathyBatesel and for other who replied
> Kathy to reply to your last post:
> I have asked my partner why he behaves like this and even gone to counselling. His reply is usually 'I dont know why I do this' or I 'dont wlnt to talk about this'. I never get a clear answer. On this particular time he initially said 'I want to make you see that i dont want to talk' but when he come home he said he was angry and wasnt thinking straight.
> I really feel for him and dont want to leave the relationship in case I get over him and he starts to have regrets a few months down the line
> ...


So what are you going to do now?


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> So what are you going to do now?


At this moment in time I dont know. I thought about taking a break for a while to sort matters out but the timing is bad as we have a family holiday planned from SAturday. I could go without him and take the kids but handeling a 7 year old, 18month old and 12 week baby would be difficult.

A break from our relationship that the moment appears to be the only answer


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

"I don't know why I do this" = "I'm not about to tell you my reasons!" Here's the reality: even if he doesn't *know* the reasons, he certainly has the ability to form an idea or thought about it. When he says, "I don't know why I do this," I'd be coming back with, "Well, what do you suspect might be the reason?" 

Then again, I probably would not reach that point, because it does NOT matter if he has a reason or not. What matters is how someone treats me. If someone doesn't treat me well, I don't tolerate it. By tolerating this, you have continually taught him EXACTLY what he can get away with. No amount of talk will change this now. The only way it will change at this point is if you take action and NEVER return to the same kind of talk-about-this response when he tests your new limits.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

familygirl said:


> At this moment in time I dont know. I thought about taking a break for a while to sort matters out but the timing is bad as we have a family holiday planned from SAturday. I could go without him and take the kids but handeling a 7 year old, 18month old and 12 week baby would be difficult.
> 
> A break from our relationship that the moment appears to be the only answer


A break is YOUR idea?

When your husband is straying from you and the family you want to give him MORE time?

HEHE

Sounds to me like HE needs to get home and take care of the kids and YOU should have time off family for yourself.

How much "alone" time does he get vs you?

balance it

But I will tell you right now, the second you try you will learn quickly that he doesn't want balance.....and probably wants to hang out as he pleases and when he pleases.

Give him taste of his own ****. Let him find out what it is that you go thru at home with kids when he goes off to "hang out".

But to "take a break" is completely opposite of what you really want to do.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

familygirl said:


> At this moment in time I dont know. I thought about taking a break for a while to sort matters out but the timing is bad as we have a family holiday planned from SAturday. I could go without him and take the kids but handeling a 7 year old, 18month old and 12 week baby would be difficult.
> 
> A break from our relationship that the moment appears to be the only answer


Taking a break is an awesome idea...if you want him to have guilt free sex while you're watching your kids 24/7.

You don't fix a marriage by staying away from your partner. Especially when the problem is he's running out on you to the bar. I highly recommend you rethink this strategy.


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

To all of those people who have replied, thanks. And to those who asjed why am I still with this guy I will try to explain.

On TAM I read people problems and think OMG does this person not see that this guy/girl is no good - I am detatched and can take the outside/objective view without the emotional feeling. To me it seems ridiculous for someone to stay in a relationship when all they seem to do is hurt. On the otherhand I am like the people I read about. I have my own SH1T and a fool for not walking away from what appears to be an obvious downhill spirral - even although in my head the right thing i should be doing. But it is the investment, kids, good times and emotional stuff that puts a halt to me leaving. The whole thing makes an inner conflict inside me like two parts of me being at war. Sometimes I just wish I could shut off the emotional side!
I hope this clears stuff up


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

What you are talking about is something that EVERYONE goes thru.

You are at a tug war of HEART thinking and BRAIN thinking.

Ignore your heart, it's not the part of the body that should be doing thinking for you.

Use your brain.

I think you should sit down and have a serious conversation with your husband. Count up the hours he spends hanging out and with you. Track it for a week or 2 before you speak to him and show to him that his "friends" are a bigger priority than you or family.

Then ask him to watch the kids and balance out the "hang out time". Tell him you expect as much as he gets. Even if you have nothing to do, just go out for a walk.....or sit on the bench/read.......whatever, just balance out "hang out time".

Trust is something he needs to work on as well.....

See if he is even considerate of your feelings or issues in your marriage. If he doesn't care, chances are he has checked out long ago and it's over already.

You just need to seal the deal.....


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

familygirl said:


> To all of those people who have replied, thanks. And to those who asjed why am I still with this guy I will try to explain.
> 
> On TAM I read people problems and think OMG does this person not see that this guy/girl is no good - I am detatched and can take the outside/objective view without the emotional feeling. To me it seems ridiculous for someone to stay in a relationship when all they seem to do is hurt. On the otherhand I am like the people I read about. I have my own SH1T and a fool for not walking away from what appears to be an obvious downhill spirral - even although in my head the right thing i should be doing. But it is the investment, kids, good times and emotional stuff that puts a halt to me leaving. The whole thing makes an inner conflict inside me like two parts of me being at war. Sometimes I just wish I could shut off the emotional side!
> I hope this clears stuff up


The best thing you can do for yourself is to take the advice you would give to someone else in your situation. Read your thread like you were reading it about someone else.

You're fighting with your husband, he runs out to the bar getting drunk and not coming home. Now you're talking about taking a break (with the kids).

What would you tell someone else in your situation?


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

Need your support guys.
So I have asked him to leave tonight in a relativaly calm way. We talked about what happened when he was out and how I felt. He is so full of Bull! His storey doesnt match and he is adamant he doesnt know why he has this behaviour.

He is already doing the mind game thing (that messes with my emotions). I said if you dont know why you act this way could you tell a possibility why you might act this way and he said 'you see this is why i cant be around you'. So I be quiet instantly and not talk and he says Helen, Helen do you want me to go, why are you not talking to me, a minute ago you wanted me to leave. I say I dont want you to get angry. He says well you can at least say something. I said goodbye.

Hes gone now but I will probably get a long winded bull**** text saying I deserve someone better nd he knows hes been wrong and hes sorry (for which he is not) or some silly text to rile me up and respond.
Unfortunately I have to respond when arranging about him seeing the kids.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

It doesn't matter why he does it, he just needs to cut it out. A married man (children or not) has no business staying out all night drinking. It's not on.

Only respond to the texts about the children, and stick to the topic of the kids. If you don't engage in his silliness he'll eventually stop with it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This is going to be hard. If you get a text, just wait a while before you respond. Only respond to ones related to things that are necessary for the children.


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

Thanks guys. I was strong last night - I even slept. This morning not so great I just have to remember my reasons for doing this


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Strength. Don't flinch. You are fighting the good fight.


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

thanks fusdil, clip op and ele girl.

This is the story so far, which i have posted also on Addiction forum.

If any of you have been reading my previous posts you will see some of the issues that came before this.

I asked my partner to leave after he stayed out all night after an argument last week and told him not to come back until he told me a few truths.

REwind to a few years ago. I caught him with porn on the computer a few times and he lied about it. Promising he wont do it again.

The night he stayed out I begged him to come home numerous times but he got nasty saying we were over, he was at his brothers and begged me not to contact him because he needed his sleep.

After I asked him to leave he phoned the next morning saying he was leaving work to go to the doctors because he felt he was cracking up and could he come here after to be honest and tell me some truths. I said yes.

When he arrived he told me the doctor had put him on anti-depressants for stress.And he confessed to me that he was addicted to porn. He said he was up at his bothers looking at porn(even when i begged him to come home because i was distraught and he said he needed sleep!) He also had a lock on his phone because chat sites were contacting him and on his way to work he would buy porn mags and masterbate in the train station toilets.

I always felt he was hiding stuff from me. I was right. I never refused my partner sex. I am now numb and he is begging for another chance and can I be there to support him while he works through these problems and visits a counsellor whilst taking the meds.

I feel this is an attempt at a guilt trip but I also dont want to leave him when he is feeling this low but I am still hurt and dont trust him because he has lied to me in the 3 years we have been together.

I dont know what to do?


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