# New "stepmom" to five - issues. Advice?



## FrozenFyre (Jan 16, 2012)

I will be marrying my fiance later this year. 

Short backstory: my fiance has five children, has gone through a nasty divorce where his ex-wife basically got everything (child support, marital assets, etc.), currently does not have visitation. We are currently working on this issue through the courts. (Ex and children are 1000 miles from us.) 

We are trying to work out how to handle the announcement of ... well, me in his life. If he wins visitation (almost a sure thing, as it's been very skewed in her favor the last couple of years - long story there), we'll eventually have to deal with this.

The kids are 18, 17, 11, 9 and 2. The 18-year-old has already sent me some pretty nasty messages through social media (though, oddly, she bad-mouths her FATHER, not me: it's pretty clear there's been some parental alienation going on, unfortunately). I haven't responded; I know she's angry about everything that's happened. I was an angry 18-year-old disillusioned with her father, once, so I can see where she's coming from. 

It's mainly the younger kids I'm worried about. I don't have any illusions that I can be a "replacement mom" to them, nor do I want to be. I've never had children, so I don't really even know how to respond or what to say or do. I'm tempted to leave everything to their dad - but I'm such a huge part of his life at this point that we won't really be able to avoid this issue.

How do I start? What do I say?

Thanks for any advice.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Since the older one wrote you on facebook, it seems they already know about you.

Who moved 1000 miles away? HIs ex or him?


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## FrozenFyre (Jan 16, 2012)

They've both moved around quite a bit, but he made the longer move, distance-wise, because of his line of employment.

ETA: I'm pretty sure the older two know about me, yes. It's the 11 and 9 year old that I think don't know. The 2-year-old is too young to really grasp the situation.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do the 11 and 9 year old communicate with him? SAy on facebook? Video chat might be a good way to do it casually.


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## girl friday (Jan 14, 2012)

Hi, firstly let me say that I have a blended family with 5 kids between us and I know where you are heading. 

One of the thing that jumps out at me is that his youngest is only 2 which means that he has not been seperated very long at all and he is already moving ahead to marry you. It is no wonder that he is getting grief from his kids. They have not had enough time to grieve for what they have lost and are definately not in a position to be accepting of you. Whats the hurry?

The other thing is that if he does get visitation then you will be in the thick of it with young children. i can understand how this might be making you feel seeing you have no experience with children. A very daunting thought I am sure. Being a step mother is a very difficult role to play even when you get along with his kids, but when you are starting on what sounds like could be the wrong footing, it could be even harder. 

My advise, do this from a distance first. See where it goes before you make the biggest committment of your life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

girl friday said:


> Hi, firstly let me say that I have a blended family with 5 kids between us and I know where you are heading.
> 
> One of the thing that jumps out at me is that his youngest is only 2 which means that he has not been seperated very long at all and he is already moving ahead to marry you. It is no wonder that he is getting grief from his kids. They have not had enough time to grieve for what they have lost and are definately not in a position to be accepting of you. Whats the hurry?
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree: 

I have two step children. Their father had custody of them when we married. They were 10 & 12. They are now 22 and 24. 

They seldom saw their bio-mom. 

They were angry children, for very good reasons. They took it out on me. Looking back, what I know now I never would have married their father. My husband says the same thing. Our marriage made it harder on the children. 

FrozenFyre, step parenting is hard, very hard. When the children are angry you will lose. They will make sure that your life is miserable. And this is not because the children are evil. It's because they are children and children are by nature self-centered and immature. 

I have no doubt that they are angry that their father lives 1000 miles from them. They don’t care why, they only care that he is not there with them. 

I suggest that you read some books about step parenting… especially step mothering. I wish I had done that before we married.

Another concern is your taking on the financial burden to basically support your fiancé so that he can support his children. It’s your choice right now but I can see that wearing very thin.


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## FrozenFyre (Jan 16, 2012)

Good points, all. And I'm definitely having second thoughts about marriage at this point in time, at least until the dust settles.

I do have to mention that the 2 year old was, uh... kind of an 'accident'. Attempted reconciliation, it didn't work out. Kudos to him for trying, I've got to give him that much.

The financial situation is unavoidable right now; 5 kids x child support equals pretty much no choice in the matter. I don't mind that I have to help him out - I make excellent money and we don't hurt for anything. I don't mind him sending everything he makes to his kids - that's what he's supposed to do, support his kids. Yes, it's exhausting to know that it'll probably be this way for a long time, if not forever, but he didn't ask for any of this to happen. 

One good thing is that I have a secure enough job (Federal government) where I can put all of the kids on my health insurance; this'll help out TREMENDOUSLY because the 2 year old in particular has some pretty severe issues in that regard. It will cut down a bit on the child support issue because right now the order also covers health insurance for them all. 5 times anything is going to be a struggle - if his kids will benefit from my help, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

He does communicate on a regular basis with his children, yes, through Facebook and other means. Relations seem to be good with the rest of the kids - it's only his oldest that seems to be holding animosity. Like I said, I can really understand that.

But, yeah. I'm stepping back a bit from the marriage thing, at least until they get used to the idea of me, of the situation (however much they can grasp it right now, anyway), etc. 

FWIW, the divorce was 4 years ago. 2 year old was born during a reconciliation attempt that didn't work out. So the timeframe isn't that recent, but it's recent enough.


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## FrozenFyre (Jan 16, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> FrozenFyre, step parenting is hard, very hard. When the children are angry you will lose. They will make sure that your life is miserable. And this is not because the children are evil. It's because they are children and children are by nature self-centered and immature.
> 
> I have no doubt that they are angry that their father lives 1000 miles from them. They don’t care why, they only care that he is not there with them.
> 
> I suggest that you read some books about step parenting… especially step mothering. I wish I had done that before we married.


I am definitely concerned with their feelings. I can relate especially to the oldest; my own father married a stepparent and I loathed her. Still do, as a matter of fact! :lol: I wish that I could somehow relate to her that I understand exactly how she feels, but I know she's not going to want to hear it from me. 

I did find it odd that she didn't attack ME: only her father, I guess by proxy. She's never bad-mouthed me or said that I was horrible - all of that anger was directed at HIM. I guess she felt safer telling him through me - I can understand that, too.

Thing is, he says he understands how she feels, too, and I do think he does. It's kind of a sad situation all around. His marriage never was very good - it was started in bad circumstances and for all the wrong reasons - but he gave it a shot, that's all anyone can do.

I know that they're not "evil" - just upset, sad, scared of the future. That's why I have concern for how I'll appear to them, being in their father's life. I'd love to relate to them, if they'll let me, but I know that life isn't an episode of "The Brady Bunch". 

Lots of thinking to do here. And I appreciate the opinions and advice, please continue to give them. It's making me consider.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's truely a shame that he does not live in the same town they do, or near enough for him to have his children on a weekly basis. My bet is that this is a lot of what the 18 year old is upset about... she probably new feels like she has lost her dad.

There could very well be a lot of poisoning going on by their mother as well. I would be very easy for an 18 year old girl to identify with her mother and thus side with her.


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