# How do you walk the line between sexual pressure and sexy?



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

How do you walk the line between sexual pressure and sexy?

Here's my story. My wife lost her libido after we had kids. For years I was a classic case of nice guy syndrome. I was passive aggressive, resentful, sullen, clingy and a doormat. She never understood that sex really was important to me, and I didn't know enough to understand how unlovable I was being or how to communicate my needs to her. i came home less and less to avoid the lack of affection I felt I deserved. There was never infidelity or anything like that, but after so many years of this there's definitely a lot of nasty emotional baggage attached to the idea of sex together.

Fast forward 10 years and today we're tryign to fix things. I've kicked the nasty nice guy habit, and she finally understands my sexual needs. We're working together to have a good sex life. We are having more sex than we have in years but she just has a hard time enjoying it.

The problem is the baggage. She really tries but sex just winds her up so tight. She can't relax. She can't let herself enjoy it. The anxiety is palpable. 

The other big part of the problem is that she hasn't seen herself as a sexual being for so long, she just doesn't even think about sex. She just shut that part of herself down so long ago. She admits this is part of the problem. 

The problem I'm having is how to walk the fine line between helping her think/feel sexy and like a sexual person, while not increasing the intimidation, pressure and anxiety she feels about it.

I try to keep things light, joke around about it, smile a lot, be romantic and not put any pressure on anything. 

Thoughts? Ideas?


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## homebuilder (Aug 25, 2012)

Keep us updated, hope it all works out for you. I know what kind of hard work it must be because of the bad feelings I have about my wife, don't know if our marriage can be saved at this point
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Do and say things consistently even when there is no chance of sex. 

Also non sexual touch is vital. Make sure you take her hand, hug her, touch her face, look in her eyes etc and notice her. Just like when you were first dating, notice her hair, her favourite things and so on.
And when something reminds you of her or brings a nice memory let her know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

This is normal for many women after having kids.

Maybe they gained unwanted weight and don't feel sexy.

Maybe after kids, her hormone levels dropped off and she needs some meds to get them normal again.

Menopause will do this as well.


Solutions:

Weight train, cardio and eat small healthy mini meals. Stay in good shape instead of letting yourself go.

If hormonal drop after kids, get meds.

If menopause, get meds, lube and exercise to get that hot body, feel great about yourself.


But by doing nothing about it and her man suffers with little to no sex, is selfish and not taking care of his needs. Remember, in a marriage its not what you alone want, its whats best for the both of you.


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## WillPrez (Dec 8, 2012)

How does sex become something that can now makes some wives feel used?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

It's not that hard OP, treat her well all the time, not just when you want sex. 

When a woman feels desired, she feels sexy. All day foreplay and foreplay of the mind are easy if it is how you really feel. If you truly desire her she will feel it, if all you want is sex she will pick up on that too.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

*Re: Re: How do you walk the line between sexual pressure and sexy?*



AM2013 said:


> Alcohol always makes me feel less anxious and able to let go easier.
> 
> Also I agree about doing and saying nice and lovey things to her. Maybe some sexy texts to let her know that you are thinking about her body? That would have me aching for my husband and jumping him the minute he walked in the door.


Tried the sexy text thing. She was not happy with that. lol

She doesn't/can't drink.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

*Re: Re: How do you walk the line between sexual pressure and sexy?*



CuddleBug said:


> This is normal for many women after having kids.
> 
> Maybe they gained unwanted weight and don't feel sexy.
> 
> ...


Yes, she has started exercising.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

*Re: Re: How do you walk the line between sexual pressure and sexy?*



Holland said:


> It's not that hard OP, treat her well all the time, not just when you want sex.
> 
> When a woman feels desired, she feels sexy. All day foreplay and foreplay of the mind are easy if it is how you really feel. If you truly desire her she will feel it, if all you want is sex she will pick up on that too.


This is not and never has been the issue. I've always done those things even during the bad years. I was actually the classic "nice guy" who the worse it got, the less affection I got, the nicer and more attentive I became.

I'm actually working on giving less, but more meaningful forms of affection. She does know she's desired & loved. She just doesn't feel sexy herself.


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## TryingandFrustrated (Nov 7, 2012)

Drover said:


> Tried the sexy text thing. She was not happy with that. lol
> 
> She doesn't/can't drink.


Yup, I get what you are saying about the sexy texts. It wouldn't do it for my wife right now either. It would probably just piss her off and distance us even further. She would see it as me just wanting her body and not wanting her for just "her". I think things in the relationship have to be at a good point for sexy texting, etc.. Has she or you two tried counseling to see if that would help her work on releasing her baggage?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Honestly, women who have conditioned themselves to have sex only when the planets align and there's not a negative thought in their minds just need practice. She's spent over a decade building barriers to sex. And you know full well that you can't just try to jump through all the hoops she's constructed for herself before she can feel sexy.

So you just have to break the barriers down. Fake it 'till she makes it. She will learn how to have sex more often. She will learn how to have sex when there are some negative thoughts in her mind. Once she learns how, she can loosen up and enjoy herself.

I don't think there's any magic switch that can be thrown, or magic action that you can take. I think you're doing the right things. Be sexy. Let her know you want a sexual marriage with her. She will most likely come around, eventually.

Good luck.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Romance is not the issue. We/she gets plenty of that. We have been to MC, and really we're getting along better than we have in many years.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

*Re: Re: How do you walk the line between sexual pressure and sexy?*



PHTlump said:


> Honestly, women who have conditioned themselves to have sex only when the planets align and there's not a negative thought in their minds just need practice. She's spent over a decade building barriers to sex. And you know full well that you can't just try to jump through all the hoops she's constructed for herself before she can feel sexy.
> 
> So you just have to break the barriers down. Fake it 'till she makes it. She will learn how to have sex more often. She will learn how to have sex when there are some negative thoughts in her mind. Once she learns how, she can loosen up and enjoy herself.
> 
> ...


This is how I feel about it, and really what I'm trying to accomplish. And I've been using the phrase fake it 'til you make it for awhile, telling her she can't just wait for lightning to strike. But it's also clear there's a line where it becomes counterproductive. 

We're doing a lot of lying in bed, listening to books about sex & marriage topics together. Interestingly the one last night says something very similar. It said it just takes mental discipline to learn to ignore all those negative reasons not to have sex. 

The good news is she really is trying, seems to want to get there again. I think the fact she's frustrated with herself makes things harder.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Does this quote ring true?

"Lots of the women I meet don’t think they even have desires anymore. It’s like they tucked them away for safekeeping and now they can’t remember where they put them. They locked them up in the 'good girl' drawer, the mothering drawer, the sexual trauma drawer, the menopause drawer— and now they can’t find the key." -- Nicole Daedone in "Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm"

I liked the book, helped me with other issues. Full disclosure my wife wont read it. But if you are already reading other stuff you may want to check it out. A big part of the book is about an excise (practice) partly intended to help find the above key.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Drover said:


> This is how I feel about it, and really what I'm trying to accomplish. And I've been using the phrase fake it 'til you make it for awhile, telling her she can't just wait for lightning to strike. But it's also clear there's a line where it becomes counterproductive.
> 
> We're doing a lot of lying in bed, listening to books about sex & marriage topics together. Interestingly the one last night says something very similar. It said it just takes mental discipline to learn to ignore all those negative reasons not to have sex.
> 
> The good news is she really is trying, seems to want to get there again. I think the fact she's frustrated with herself makes things harder.


I'm very happy for you. As a woman who had lost all sexual urges for years I can tell you it's very hard to work yourself out of it. She's trying and that's so important. But I wonder if she's allowing you to take too much responsibility for her mood, even unintentionally. What are some of the things SHE is doing to welcome her sexual self back into her life?

Here are some things I did that worked for me.

I turned my love for reading into a love for reading erotica. There are free web sites where she can browse various forms of erotica, exploring scenes and scenarios that push her buttons. Holy cow once I found some of these web sites I was amazed that reading erotica allowed me to welcome sexual thoughts outside of sexual thoughts about my husband. There was still a lot of baggage in my relationship and I wasn't confident it would ever work out, but I WANTED a great marriage and I knew that included a great sex life. I had to put aside the frustration I felt about that and focus just on sex.

I began to put a LOT more effort into my appearance and focused on body aspects that I liked and felt good about. Women tend to dissect their body to pieces, which is rarely a good thing because we see flaws that might not be there, that might actually be a turn on for him, or that he might not even notice. You are probably aware of those body image issues your wife has. Encourage her to focus on the parts of her body that you adore. I know that sounds like objectifying, and in a way it is. But the purpose is to get her to focus on positive aspects YOU LOVE, rather than negative aspects that keep her feeling bad about herself.

Find and point out older couples who seem to exude the kind of affection for each other that leads you to believe they probably have a good sex life still. As women age, we easily convince themselves we've lost physical attractiveness, and compared to our younger selves we have. But a man in love doesn't see scars or wrinkles or stretch marks. Your wife needs to feel the truthfulness of that. You can help her but she has to reach for it herself.

I sure wish my H and I hadn't spent all those years distancing ourselves.... Cause Dayum, I was HOT! I still am given my age.:smthumbup:


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

*Re: Re: How do you walk the line between sexual pressure and sexy?*



CharlieParker said:


> Does this quote ring true?
> 
> "Lots of the women I meet don’t think they even have desires anymore. It’s like they tucked them away for safekeeping and now they can’t remember where they put them. They locked them up in the 'good girl' drawer, the mothering drawer, the sexual trauma drawer, the menopause drawer— and now they can’t find the key." -- Nicole Daedone in "Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm"
> 
> I liked the book, helped me with other issues. Full disclosure my wife wont read it. But if you are already reading other stuff you may want to check it out. A big part of the book is about an excise (practice) partly intended to help find the above key.


My wife refuses to read too. The solution I've found is either books on tape, or alternatively using the text-to-speech on my Kindle so we can listen together.

I'll check out the book. I saw it someplace before, but from the title thought it was just another tantric sex book.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Drover said:


> I'll check out the book. I saw it someplace before, but from the title thought it was just another tantric sex book.


It is a bit new age-y. Fuller disclosure, the quote I pulled out is related to the "exercise", search youtube for "orgasmic meditation". My wife wouldn't try (book still helped me as I was the problem not her).


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

*Re: Re: How do you walk the line between sexual pressure and sexy?*



CharlieParker said:


> It is a bit new age-y. Fuller disclosure, the quote I pulled out is related to the "exercise", search youtube for "orgasmic meditation". My wife wouldn't try (book still helped me as I was the problem not her).


Eh, I liked Deida's stuff so new agey is fine.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Drover said:


> This is not and never has been the issue. I've always done those things even during the bad years. I was actually the classic "nice guy" who the worse it got, the less affection I got, the nicer and more attentive I became.
> 
> I'm actually working on giving less, but more meaningful forms of affection. She does know she's desired & loved. She just doesn't feel sexy herself.


I don't know OP, I am sorry you are having these issues and hope that some of the others can give you help.

Drives me crazy to hear of a husband that is trying so hard to keep it all together with little success, if my ex had of been like you then he would still be my husband.


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## homebuilder (Aug 25, 2012)

The more and more I read on here about nice men who get dumped on by their wife (kinda like I feel) reminds me of something

Nice guys really do finish last


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

*Re: Re: How do you walk the line between sexual pressure and sexy?*



homebuilder said:


> The more and more I read on here about nice men who get dumped on by their wife (kinda like I feel) reminds me of something
> 
> Nice guys really do finish last


I'm really not getting dumped on. I was for a number of years, largely because I allowed myself to be...yes, because I was a "nice guy". At this point we're in a pretty good place and working on getting to a better one.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

*Re: Re: How do you walk the line between sexual pressure and sexy?*



Holland said:


> I don't know OP, I am sorry you are having these issues and hope that some of the others can give you help.
> 
> Drives me crazy to hear of a husband that is trying so hard to keep it all together with little success, if my ex had of been like you then he would still be my husband.


I wouldn't say "little success". The sex life has gotten better, and with effort from both of us will get better. It's just a long, slow trip with this much baggage.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Me: You need a good spanking and hair pulling (smiling).
Her: You know I don't like it like that.
Me: It'll get you out of your head though (winking).
Her: (looks thoughtful...)


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

I havent read the responses.

The thing that IMMEDIATELY jumps out to me is that you are trying to solve HER problem.

Good luck with that...

Sex makes her uncomfortable? Her problem.

She dosen't think of herself as sexy? Her problem.

She can't relax? Her problem.

She can't enjoy sex? Her problem.

Nice guys try to fix other people's problems, right?

Emotionally healthy people accept other people's problems. The kicker is they also try to fix their own problems.

Your problem is a lack of passion and desire in the sexual component of your marriage. You only have so much control over that. I figure you have 3 choices.

You can practice acceptance and do nothing. Inner peace is good but it dosen't do much for a boner.

You can find a new partner who dosent have these problems. You really need to seriously consider this option.

You can make yourself as attractive as possible. Because that is something you can control. I assume you've done the whole NMMNG and MMSL bit? The most crucial interplay you may be missing, and judging from your posts you ARE missing, is that you don't care about her response. You need to say what you feel, think, etc and trust in the theory. Her responses are **** tests. Blow them up.

Your example:
Me: You need a good spanking and hair pulling (smiling).
Her: You know I don't like it like that. (This is a **** test)
Me: It'll get you out of your head though (winking). (oh look you tried to solve her problem)
Her: (looks thoughtful...) (here is a picture of you trying to decide if you garnered her approval or not...) 

You still care to much about her approval to unleash her feminine.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Saki, 

I understand completely where you're coming from, having spent years doing the nice guy thing. No, this is not about that at all. Yes, I do want a happy sex life with my wife. That is what this is about. It's not about fixing her. It's about doing what WE need to TOGETHER to improve our sex life and marriage. Telling her, "It's your problem. You fix it," will not get me what I want.

I have made big changes. Now I am helping her make changes she WANTS to make. This not a 180 situation. This is NOT the same as trying to force changes on someone. Helping each other, and working together to improve your relationship is part of marriage. Solving problems together is part of marriage. The idea that every time there's a problem in a marriage or a marriage's sex life, the answer is to jump to considering a new partner is ridiculous, especially when both parties are willing to work together on the problem.

I think you need to go back & read NMMNG & MMSL. Neither is about ignoring her feelings or being an uncaring assh*le. They are about not letting her MOODS have an undue effect on you. Not the same thing.


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

The difference between sexual pressure and sexy is the way she interprets it.

You have no control over that.

Its her problem.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

*Re: Re: How do you walk the line between sexual pressure and sexy?*



Saki said:


> The difference between sexual pressure and sexy is the way she interprets it.
> 
> You have no control over that.
> 
> Its her problem.


I agree with this first statement. But to the extent you can benefit from helping her understand & believe that, you do have some control IF she's willing.

How old are you?


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

I'm not interested in playing the how old are you game and you aren't interested in what I have to say.

Good luck. I'm in roughly the same spot and it's not much fun. I hope you get it figured out and if you do, please let everyone else know.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Drover,
1. I totally agree with your mindset. This is a joint effort. 
2. Your wife is responsible for giving you honest feedback about what feels good, and bad, and what is a turn on and a turn off. 

The feel good, feel bad thing is important and distinct from turn on, turn off. 

There are a long list of touches: hugs, caresses, light fingernail strokes that my wife loves. Those touches, throughout the day, are for her. They aren't about 'me'. They aren't an attempt at foreplay. They are just a light stream of 'i love you'. 

And then sometimes I am just aggressive with her. Pin her to the bed. That might or might not be an explicitly sexual thing. Often not. 

It is great that your wife is working with you on this. I do believe that a hard cardio workout and a little alcohol can help a sexually anxious person relax.

We play a game called better one, better two. 

You touch your partner one way, and the. Vary the touch a little. And you ask better one, or better two while you do it. This can be for non sexual, or sexual touch.

We also play, I touch, you touch. In that game I touch you the way I want you to touch me. We repeat the process as needed. 

This can extend to kissing. 

And you can use a mans nipple as a proxy for a clit. 

Pacing is important. Generally better to be a bit too slow in moving to explicitly sexual touch, as opposed to being too fast. 

All that said I have a view abut this stuff that is hard wired. Outside the bedroom my wife benefits from the 'I live to serve' theme. Anything I am capable of giving her, I do. 

From the very beginning she knew sex was a big deal to me. So whether she is a little, or a lot turned on, she gets a lot of pleasure in giving. 



QUOTE=Drover;1447474]Saki, 

I understand completely where you're coming from, having spent years doing the nice guy thing. No, this is not about that at all. Yes, I do want a happy sex life with my wife. That is what this is about. It's not about fixing her. It's about doing what WE need to TOGETHER to improve our sex life and marriage. Telling her, "It's your problem. You fix it," will not get me what I want.

I have made big changes. Now I am helping her make changes she WANTS to make. This not a 180 situation. This is NOT the same as trying to force changes on someone. Helping each other, and working together to improve your relationship is part of marriage. Solving problems together is part of marriage. The idea that every time there's a problem in a marriage or a marriage's sex life, the answer is to jump to considering a new partner is ridiculous, especially when both parties are willing to work together on the problem.

I think you need to go back & read NMMNG & MMSL. Neither is about ignoring her feelings or being an uncaring assh*le. They are about not letting her MOODS have an undue effect on you. Not the same thing.[/QUOTE]


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## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

:iagree:


Anon Pink said:


> I'm very happy for you. As a woman who had lost all sexual urges for years I can tell you it's very hard to work yourself out of it. She's trying and that's so important. But I wonder if she's allowing you to take too much responsibility for her mood, even unintentionally. What are some of the things SHE is doing to welcome her sexual self back into her life?
> 
> Here are some things I did that worked for me.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

The patterns that your W has, have been going on for years. It will take a conscious effort on her part to change those patterns. It is amazing how things can be going well and this stupid little limiting thought will pop into your head. You don't like it, don't want it there, but it shows up anyway. Learning to negate those thoughts and patterns takes time and effort.

You might try music. The music may help to keep that portion of the mind that brings up those old patterns and thoughts at bay. It can also help to set the mood.

I have also found that if you allow things to happen, it is easier to allow those patterns to creep in as well. Engaging in the act, rather than just being receptive, can throw a kink into that pattern and allow her to enjoy again and relax into the moment.

You mentioned she isn't much into reading, but reading erotica to each other can help to get a flow of communication and an easiness about sex and intimacy.

Being a mom is a job based in masculine energy. I know that sounds backwards, but masculine energy is the "getting things done" energy, lists, chores, taking care of kids and such. The feminine energy is more flowing, artistic kind of energy. Music and dance can help to switch the energies, so she is more able to be sensual, relaxed and sexy.

It sounds like you guys are on the right track, just need to keep going. Best wishes for you both!


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