# Do you think OM/OW was an upgrade or downgrade?



## Bandit (Feb 8, 2012)

Something that boggles my mind and not trying to push anybodies buttons as the OM/OW, in the event they knew your spouse was married could not possibly be an upgrade so to speak as their morally bankrupt scum..So what I mean by "Upgrade" in the following paragraph is not meant to be a reflection of the BS as a person... --Disclaimer out of the way--

O.K. in my particular situation, the OM was physically speaking in 'most aspects --get to that in a minute' inferior to myself. One of those skinny dudes with a little beer belly (you know the type, take his shoes, give him a caterpillar diesel ball cap, a beat up truck and he could fill in as an extra in deliverance) not saying he's ******* (I am) just that he has that skinny/fat, gross body type. He is from her descriptions and pics I have seen probably 6'0-6'1, 140-150lbs, me I'm 5'9", 205-215 but cut into the high 170's to compete.

<--- Pic taken about a week before a competition at around 186-190 (not dehydrated) I would guess.

Back to the part I said I would get back too.. after finding out, I (maybe all BS's) go through the need every friggen detail phase (a recommendation to those getting ready go there--don't, hindsight being 20/20 you can never forget what you find out and it will add endless hours of run time to your mind movies as well as give you a wealth of new triggers.) Anyway moving on, back to Inspector Bandit trying to be the affair CSI.. It came out the dudes Peter was bigger; why on earth I set myself up by asking that question is beyond me, but done is done and is probably part of trying to find the why? This is not to say that 'Bandit' me is defective in anyway as I'm most assuredly above average in that department without a doubt just that it's like one more thing that made me, me that was taken away..

I have no doubt that I could beat this man to death with my bare hands; and I'm much better looking to boot...so aside from the dizik thing (which I doubt was immediately evident upon their first interactions lest he was wearing some daisy dukes or something) it boggles the mind.. 

Ok that being said.. did your WS cheat up or cheat down so to speak and any guesses on the reasoning?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm bigger, stronger and more alpha than my wife's OM. Cannot vouch for pecker size as I am of average proportions down below.

Don't get the attraction she has except that he may have alot more bread than me.


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## Bandit (Feb 8, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> I'm bigger, stronger and more alpha than my wife's OM. Cannot vouch for pecker size as I am of average proportions down below.
> 
> Don't get the attraction she has except that he may have alot more bread than me.


I don't know if money would be enough, or be the attraction.. unless a chic is a gold digger from the start or something along those lines...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

In my experience (as a spouse who cheated), the big difference has been mental. A willingness/desire/passion for sex was the single biggest selling point, whereas my STBXW had none of that. Physically, I found them appealing, obviously. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

OM was an evil doppleganger


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

OM had a prior relationship with her when they were in their teens. Made her feel young again and reliving her youth.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> OM was an evil doppleganger


I'm really not exaggerating too much either

OM and I are both tall, a tad chubby, shaved heads, goatees, same sense of sarcastic humor and shared hobbies.

I think she was trying to replace me with a newer and exciting me


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I try not to think that I know what's best for men. That is, when I look at other women I remind myself that while I may not find this person attractive some guy could.

OTOH, my guy told me that he didn't find his ex cum EA physically attractive. HE admitted that she was fat and needed to lose weight. I, OTOH, have a hot face and a hot body despite my being 21 years older than the EA, according to him.

Three things though one could this woman has over me:
1. She is still fertile in case that matters to a man.
2. She's white and so is my guy. Race relations being what they are in the US, that could be of value to some.
3. Despite the fact that she is fat, she is on the tall side for a woman. My guy once wanted to catalogue the different "types" of women that he has dated. I can't help but feel, given the the gleam in his eye when he said "I used to date a tall blonde" that she somehow _in some way_ fulfilled some category that he needed to tick off.


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

Wife definitely cheated down. She also said he was worse in bed, but slept with him for a year while we were living in different countries, but still together. She said she was just attracted to the idea of who he was (he's a singer in a well known group on the island we're from). She said she felt power knowing that he chose her to be with, although no one else knew about it and he wouldn't take her out. However, she gets upset if I don't do certain things anymore for her. I just say, well, he didn't have to work as hard as I used to and still got the goods. So why should I?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

PBear said:


> In my experience (as a spouse who cheated), the big difference has been mental. A willingness/desire/passion for sex was the single biggest selling point, whereas my STBXW had none of that.


Same for me but in an emotional sense. The OM was very emotionally giving which appealed to me.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I have no idea what H's EA looked like. All i know is she was Filipino. 

I suspect that she was either the same as me in looks or I am better in looks. I doubt he would be attracted to a "troll".

I am very curious but have never asked him anything about her at all. We were the exact same age....43! I admit I tried searching facebook, internet with her name hoping to find something but could not. At this point though there has been no contact for about 5 months now so it is becoming less relevant to me.

The one good thing is that it never affected my self esteem..I know why he turned to his EA becuase of marital issues that we have been having for years.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Same for me but in an emotional sense. The OM was very emotionally giving which appealed to me.


Exactly what happened with H. the OW was very flattering/appreciative, etc. and he got caught up in that. HOwever she was also very eager to come to Canada where her friend was living and start a new life here...and her friend had not been in the country long enough to sponsor anybody. How he could not see thru that not sure but whatever!


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## Bandit (Feb 8, 2012)

mikeydread1982 said:


> Wife definitely cheated down. She also said he was worse in bed, but slept with him for a year while we were living in different countries, but still together. She said she was just attracted to the idea of who he was (he's a singer in a well known group on the island we're from). She said she felt power knowing that he chose her to be with, although no one else knew about it and he wouldn't take her out. However, she gets upset if I don't do certain things anymore for her. I just say, well, he didn't have to work as hard as I used to and still got the goods. So why should I?


Not to piddle in your Cheerios, but one thing I had a hard time grasping was that; Wouldnt' your WS lying to you about who was better be in their best interest? or serve to 'in their eyes' not make an already shizzy subject that much worse. This singer guy could have been laying pipe like Peter North but the story your going to hear regardless is that he was a loser, sucked in bed, your the best, I'm so sorry what was I thinking, I got nothing from it, his wiener was small, "insert additional lies here".. I mean it's proven that the WS is not only capable of, but also adept at being a liar.


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

I know for a fact though that at a minimum, when I thought it was a good idea to cheat to get back some sense of my manhood, I went laterally. Never down. I figured if she were to leave me, i'd have a suitable replacement. But most times it was upwards. Whether financially, looks, or both. CFO's, Vet's, etc. I was actually surprised and intrigued that they were interested in me.


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

Bandit said:


> Not to piddle in your Cheerios, but one thing I had a hard time grasping was that; Wouldnt' your WS lying to you about who was better be in their best interest? or serve to 'in their eyes' not make an already shizzy subject that much worse. This singer guy could have been laying pipe like Peter North but the story your going to hear regardless is that he was a loser, sucked in bed, your the best, I'm so sorry what was I thinking, I got nothing from it, his wiener was small, "insert additional lies here".. I mean it's proven that the WS is not only capable of, but also adept at being a liar.



Hence why we argued about it up to this week. Mind you this was yeeeeeeeaaaaars ago, but i'm a logical person, and to think that I would continue to sleep with someone who was terrible in the sack for that lenght of time, and sex was the sole basis of the relationship, is unfathomable. It makes zero sense. She even said that obviously there is something else I want to hear....uhhh yeah, the truth. Who cheats for worse sex they are getting at home? Especially if sex was the only thing the relationship entailed. I think she feels she is sparing my feelings, and I am telling her not to, because that is why this issue still haunts us to this day. That and the fact that she became a total B!tch afterwards and I didn't get an opportunity to recover from it. Hence my stepping out on her. had to regain some sense of self


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

The only affair I know of firsthand was my best friend's father... he ditched his mousie, petite, PhD holding wife for a blond bombshell half his age with little education. To this day I have NO CLUE what he was thinking.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Of course they lie that the extra-marital sex wasn't good otherwise they wouldn't have continued having it. But why wasn't it good enough to leave us and be with the OM? Because the purpose was not to replace us but an attempt to soothe their *fragile egos*. Their neediness for outside validation of their womanhood is what drives them.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

morituri said:


> Of course they lie that the extra-marital sex wasn't good otherwise they wouldn't have continued having it. But why wasn't it good enough to leave us and be with the OM? Because the purpose was not to replace us but an attempt to soothe their *fragile egos*. Their neediness for outside validation of their womanhood is what drives them.


I agree. You just summed up my STBXW in a nutshell.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

And what I said in my last post applies to cheating husbands as well.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

isla~mama said:


> The only affair I know of firsthand was my best friend's father... he ditched his mousie, petite, PhD holding wife for a blond bombshell half his age with little education. To this day I have NO CLUE what he was thinking.


In his mind, he may be making up for lost time; ticking the box
on the bucket list and so on.........


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## PartlyCloudy (Jun 6, 2011)

My H's OW is slimmer than I am; I'm prettier overall, but I don't think that had anything to do w/it. Her personality, I think, is similar to mine when I was in late teens, & H is trying to recapture that time in his life. I'd say a 30-yr-old w/maturity of teenager is a downgrade.


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

And if you don't mind my asking, how do you know she had the mentality of a teen?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

mikeydread1982 said:


> And if you don't mind my asking, how do you know she had the mentality of a teen?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Most of the time the OW has the delusional mindset of a teenage girl.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

I dont think the looks play into a e/a or p/a as a priorty , it's the 
emotional connnection, the high, the rush,thats number 1...getting the void filled that they were not getting fufilled at home...all the rest is secondary, so an upgrade for sure...on good ol "Fantasy Island"....

BTW my wife's e/a partner,shorter, heavier, gut, younger than me by 9 years but looks older than me,total dork...physicaly I could dismantle him in about 5 seconds....while drinking a beer....


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

strugglinghusband said:


> I dont think the looks play into a e/a or p/a as a priorty , it's the
> emotional connnection, the high, the rush,thats number 1...getting the void filled that they were not getting fufilled at home...all the rest is secondary, so an upgrade for sure...on good ol "Fantasy Island"....
> 
> BTW my wife's e/a partner,shorter, heavier, gut, younger than me by 9 years but looks older than me,total dork...physicaly I could dismantle him in about 5 seconds....while drinking a beer....


Totally agree...they say at least for men that the number 1 men cheat is how the OW made them feel! Doesn't necessarily mean that is always the case but I think with the majority it is.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

strugglinghusband said:


> physicaly I could dismantle him in about 5 seconds....*while drinking a beer*....


:rofl:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

highwood said:


> Totally agree...they say at least for men that the number 1 men cheat is how the OW made them feel!


Most women who cheat cite the same.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

strugglinghusband said:


> I dont think the looks play into a e/a or p/a as a priority , it's the emotional connection, the high, the rush, that's number 1...


Yes, the looks or physical attributes are not the hook but the way the AP makes the cheating spouse feel IS.

A friend of mine had his wife cheat on him. He hunted down the OM, knocked him to the ground, pulled his pants and briefs off and laughed his head off when he found that the OM his wife had been sleeping with for over a year, had the 'tool' of a toddler.

So it is all inside the head of the cheating spouse. The AP is just simply a tool to be discarded when he/she no longer serves his/her purpose.



> *getting the void filled that they were not getting fulfilled at home*..


No. The void may be something related to their sense of being, their ego, that their spouse can never fulfill because it relies on outside validation.

There are countless spouses who are not getting their needs fulfill at home yet they choose not to cheat even when the opportunity presents itself to them. Their sense of being, their ego, is not dependent on others to make them feel good about themselves.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

The other person KNOWS they're a homewrecker. Is THAT better?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> The other person KNOWS they're a homewrecker. Is THAT better?


Better for what?


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

morituri said:


> Yes, the looks or physical attributes are not the hook but the way the AP makes the cheating spouse feel IS.
> 
> A friend of mine had his wife cheat on him. He hunted down the OM, knocked him to the ground, pulled his pants and briefs off and laughed his head off when he found that the OM his wife had been sleeping with for over a year, had the 'tool' of a toddler.
> 
> ...



*I understand what you are saying about the void, but they are getting or trying to get it fulfilled via an a/p??? which of course it can never be trully fulfilled via a/p....*


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Pardon me if this has already been said but the OM/OW is always a downgrade because they are involved with a married individual. The OM/OW has no scruples.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

strugglinghusband said:


> *I understand what you are saying about the void, but they are getting or trying to get it fulfilled via an a/p??? which of course it can never be truly fulfilled via a/p....*


You are correct. Think about it, how many times have we heard of faithful spouses who've been attentive, appreciative, supportive, and sexually passionate to their unfaithful spouses, and yet they get dismissed by being being told _"Oh you just say that because you are my husband/wife"_. So what do they do? They come to the idiotic conclusion that only an outsider can prove to them that they are still desirable people and act on the opportunity to have an affair. Sadly the realization of it doesn't come until after witnessing the devastation his/her affair has created. By then it is often too late and the betrayed spouse chooses to end the marriage.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Better as a human being. I mean if he's gonna bust up a family to GET you he's gonna cheat ON you. And he knows it. And so do you.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

morituri said:


> You are correct. Think about it, how many times have we heard of faithful spouses who've been attentive, appreciative, supportive, and sexually passionate to their unfaithful spouses, and yet they get dismissed by being being told _"Oh you just say that because you are my husband/wife"_. So what do they do? They come to the idiotic conclusion that only an outsider can prove to them that they are still desirable people and act on the opportunity to have an affair. Sadly the realization of it doesn't come until after witnessing the devastation his/her affair has created. By then it is often too late and the betrayed spouse chooses to end the marriage.


You know that just hit me, the "you just say that because your my husband/wife" when I tell my wife that I think shes beautiful, she says something along those lines, not always, but sometimes...next time she does Im' going to tell her "No, I'm telling you that as man, a MAN that thinks your beautiful and sexy! and I'm checking you out!" with a big ole boyish grin on my face....

Sorry got off topic....lol.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

strugglinghusband said:


> You know that just hit me, the "you just say that because your my husband/wife" when I tell my wife that I think shes beautiful, she says something along those lines, not always, but sometimes...next time she does Im' going to tell her "No, I'm telling you that as man, a MAN that thinks your beautiful and sexy! and I'm checking you out!" with a big ole boyish grin on my face....
> 
> Sorry got off topic....lol.


Don't apologize, that is an excellent response. In fact, if I were you I would ask her the next time _*"So what you are telling me is that you'll only believe another man's opinion of your attractiveness as a woman because my opinion as a man is worthless?" OR "So you are telling me that a strange man's opinion carries more weight than the man you married?"*_ and then leave her alone to ponder your words.


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

morituri said:


> You are correct. Think about it, how many times have we heard of faithful spouses who've been attentive, appreciative, supportive, and sexually passionate to their unfaithful spouses, and yet they get dismissed by being being told _"Oh you just say that because you are my husband/wife"_. So what do they do? They come to the idiotic conclusion that only an outsider can prove to them that they are still desirable people and act on the opportunity to have an affair. Sadly the realization of it doesn't come until after witnessing the devastation his/her affair has created. By then it is often too late and the betrayed spouse chooses to end the marriage.


Actually, the reason why some spouses say this is because the very spouse making that comment probably said something to the contrary in the past. My wife says that she says things when she's angry, which led her to say many distasteful things. Which, being how I am, made me believe those things she said. So when another woman says it and they have nothing to gain from saying it, then yes, you will believe it. So when I was sleeping with other women, and they were telling me how amazing it was, I believed it, because they had nothing to gain from lying to me about it. So just be careful what you say to your spouse out of anger, they will hear every word of it.


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## oregonmom (Jan 6, 2012)

I don't know what the OW looks like, but I do know she is old enough to be my mother (me 31, her 53). She is married, and is cheating with a married man, and giving drugs away for the sex. Not a very moral person. I always try to do the right thing and have lived by the theory "if I wouldn't do it with my husband watching, I won't do it". I was always available to my DH sexually, think I have turned him down 1 or 2 times in our 12 years together. He's turned me down hundreds. Based on all that, serious downgrade.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Down grade all the way.




She is my opposite in every way. I am short she is tall, I am thin she is fat, I have light colored hair her's is dark, I am younger she is oldder, She is a bold skanky witch I am not......yeah I still can not see what was so appealing to my H. He said it was more opprotunity then anything.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

She/they were definitely a downgrade; however I had to vote that they WERE more physically attractive than me, because they were. They were young hot sexy chicks he never met face to face but just saw via webcam and pics on the internet, and they weren't even real, they were basically porn stars acting for him and scamming him.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

There's always someone hotter than you.


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> There's always someone hotter than you.


speak for yourself :rofl:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

:lol: mikey


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Bandit said:


> Ok that being said.. did your WS cheat up or cheat down so to speak and any guesses on the reasoning?


LOL, which one?:scratchhead:


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> She/they were definitely a downgrade; however I had to vote that they WERE more physically attractive than me, because they were. They were young hot sexy chicks he never met face to face but just saw via webcam and pics on the internet, and they weren't even real, they were basically porn stars acting for him and scamming him.



I dunno, when chicks ask me to get paid for me to have sex with them, I find them rather unattractive all of the sudden


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> There's always someone hotter than you.



what about Miss Universe?

I would think that encompasses everyone


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I dunno, when chicks ask me to get paid for me to have sex with them, I find them rather unattractive all of the sudden


That's why I said they were actually a downgrade 

Gah, it pisses me off sometimes, STILL, to think he did that. I mean, what kind of fvcked up moron PAYS for sex when they're married, especially via Western Union money transfer? When I think of all the money he wasted and what a fool he was to get scammed like that................gah. Gotta stop or I'll drive myself crazier.


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

i know that the OM was a downgrade..or a Me lite at best.

physically he had height and penis size...that was it. at the beginning of the affair he was really skinny (6'2" approx 160 lbs) andis quite the drinker. from what i understand now hes put on about 30lbs, ALL in the gut. he looks like the letter d. vs my 5'7" 170lb frame of mostly muscle.
oh and hes bald and not shave it all of cuz it looks cool, but shave it all off because he has no choice. and from what i get thats a big insecurity for him.

he lives 3 housed down from his mom, who cooks and cleans for him still (at age 34). hes cheap. hes not romantic at all (via his exwife) except the normal holidays. hes controling and manipulative. he hates crowds, and even though he has two kids avoids playdates and school functions/birthday parties. 

yet she saw him when our kids used to play together (wife and his ex used to be friends) so he saw certain things from him. same thing at work. he was able to portray himself a certain way.

but my wife has told me its really about the emotional thing. she said that i wasnt romantic as i used to be. i critisized her and she didnt feel wanted or needed.

and he made her feel special. thats it. she was vunerable(ie weak self esteem issues) and he learned all about her at work and went from there.


the thing about affairs is that since they are a fantasy, what the spouse usually sees in the AP is part of that. the AP can portray their best because they dont have real life to deal with. 
the OM came off as quite the alpha male at work, which attracted my wife. when in actuallity the guy is the typical "nice guy" described in the book, heck hes borderline sociopathic really.

but sometimes its just the emotional fix they crave. regardless of looks.

and the one thing ive learned about women, esp. regarding affairs, is that her opinion of a mans looks are fluid and could be enhanced with personality or status or something of the like.

for us guys, if shes hot, shes hot. personality be damned.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> That's why I said they were actually a downgrade
> 
> Gah, it pisses me off sometimes, STILL, to think he did that. I mean, what kind of fvcked up moron PAYS for sex when they're married, especially via Western Union money transfer? When I think of all the money he wasted and what a fool he was to get scammed like that................gah. Gotta stop or I'll drive myself crazier.




LOL Western Union?!!

I had no idea hookers would take payment that way- in fact - was he prepaying?!!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

He was prepaying. They strung him some line about bypassing their agencies yadda yadda. He wanted it so bad he paid $700 TWICE to the same 'model'.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> what about Miss Universe?
> 
> I would think that encompasses everyone


I hate that moon faced look that wins. And anyway, no matter how hot she is, there's someone who's sick of her sh^t. Or his ****. Think of what a high maintenance crazy Jennifer Aniston must be.


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## CruxAve (Dec 30, 2011)

No matter what these cheaters look like, they will have to live with the ugliness of their actions the rest of their lives. I would much rather be the cheated than the cheater. I wouldn't want to carry that around.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I dunno, when chicks ask me to get paid for me to have sex with them, I find them rather unattractive all of the sudden


Geez A/R, I would have thought they would be paying YOU!!!
:smthumbup:


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Bandit, I don't think its worth getting hung up on the physical traits of yourself or the OM. I'd say that at the time of initial stages of affair there is always something in the AP that is more appealing than what your spouse thinks you have to offer. It is very painful no matter what the AP looks like, no matter how big their c()ck is, no matter how much muscle they have etc.

For cheating wives I would say almost universally the OM is acting more alpha than you are, or atleast it is the perception of your spouse. In my ex W's case, she was stoneset on black men (and not for the reason that most guys who've seen inter-racial porn are thinking) I'm sure it factors in at some level, but for my ex it was the swagger, the confidence and leading her on the dance floor making comments on her booty, she wanted to be made to feel like a sex object and she decided she couldn't get that from me... since she had decided to depart from her morals anyway she pursued her fantasy. All it took was some sleezy guy with the right skin color to come along and speak his dirty mind for her to offer up the booty. It really is the biggest disappointment and failure for a man whose W does that, no matter what the particular details of the OM are.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lon said:


> For cheating wives I would say almost universally the OM is acting more alpha than you are, or atleast it is the perception of your spouse.


My exH is extremely alpha. Almost to a fault.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

When my WS picked the OM up for the first time. She drove to a bar and waited for him in the parking lot. He lived a few houses away and he would not go in the bar as drinking is evil in his mind. She told me that at first she was disappointed. He was shorter than she imagined from his pics. 

But that did not stop her from driving him to a hotel and fuc**** him.

Everytime they met my WS drove to him and took him places. He did not drive to work as he always had someone drive him. She took all the effort in pursuing him.

He was not an alpha. 

Hell he was Amish.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> My exH is extremely alpha. Almost to a fault.


Is that part of what attracted you to him in the first place?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> When my WS picked the OM up for the first time. She drove to a bar and waited for him in the parking lot. He lived a few houses away and he would not go in the bar as drinking is evil in his mind. She told me that at first she was disappointed. He was shorter than she imagined from his pics.
> 
> But that did not stop her from driving him to a hotel and fuc**** him.
> 
> ...


But he filled a need it seems, maybe not alpha in the sense of being the strongest in the pack, but he was able to get his own selfish needs met.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lon said:


> Is that part of what attracted you to him in the first place?


A little. Honestly, it was more of the love bug and now I can see where that covered up a lot of things we should have paid attention to which were detrimental to our relationship. Lots of fundamental differences. Love can be blinding.


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> A little. Honestly, it was more of the love bug and now I can see where that covered up a lot of things we should have paid attention to which were detrimental to our relationship. Lots of fundamental differences. *Good alpha d!ck can be blinding*.


I fixed this for you JB:lol:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No, it wasn't d!ckmatization, Mikey (like hypnotization). Sex was great but it was much more involved than that. To suggest it was solely a sexual thing makes it all sound very cheap.

Though I do appreciate your humor.


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## PartlyCloudy (Jun 6, 2011)

mikeydread1982 said:


> And if you don't mind my asking, how do you know she had the mentality of a teen?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't mind @ all. It was pretty clear by her fb posts, for one. They were frequent & read just like my 15-yr-old cousin's do. Really, they were bad.

A lot of her choices were not normal adult choices, even as far as cheaters & homewreckers go.

She sent me emails under a fake name, talking sh!t about my H (a la jr high). Just my opinion, but these are not the qualities of a mature (or stable) person.


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

PartlyCloudy said:


> Don't mind @ all. It was pretty clear by her fb posts, for one. They were frequent & read just like my 15-yr-old cousin's do. Really, they were bad.
> 
> A lot of her choices were not normal adult choices, even as far as cheaters & homewreckers go.
> 
> She sent me emails under a fake name, talking sh!t about my H (a la jr high). Just my opinion, but these are not the qualities of a mature (or stable) person.


Oh, I was just asking. Makes sense now.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

my ws really sunk to new lows by trading down. before she always dressed nice, looked nice. after she left for him(and believe me he was a slob) within a couple minths was dressing like him. christ i've thrown away better clothes than she was wearing. big ass holes in therir clothes looked like they hadn't washed their hair in a week, and on top of that, he had 3 daughters 3,7,11.good ridence.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

I think this is a very subjective question/topic. As a BS, our sense of self is usually crushed, the vulnerability of the situation makes even the strongest people question themselves and their own qualities, and assign value to the OM/OW that would not otherwise be there. I would assume in most cases, especially early on, the BS can find many "qualities" in the OM/OW that they themselves "lack."

A good friend of mine responded to me in a very interesting way when I made a self deprecating comment, and compared myself to the OM. He told me:

"Never compare yourself to the OM, he is forbidden fruit, something you could never ever be."

In my case the OM was taller by a foot, lanky, thin, and had long arms. I'm no Bandit (nice Pic BTW, shame I dont bat for that side lol) but I've come a long way in the last few years. Im the IT Director/Manager for a casino, not exactly a physically demanding job. In may of 2009 I weighed 279lbs, this morning I'm 208. I had lost so much weight before my W had her A, it really derailed me for a bit. I'm mostly back on track now, and if you read my story, you will come to know that even if I looked like Bandit (maybe in another 6 months I will) it would not have made a difference, at the end of the day, the most attractive thing about the OM for my W was his dysfunction, and how closely it mirrored her own. Short of hitting a crack pipe and whoring myself out, I doubt I could ever hit bottom as far down as he did. She felt that she was down there by herself, and that I could not go with her, but the OM was there too.. so.. anyhow you get it.. as in most cases, it is the unattainable thing, the forbidden fruit, that seals the deal, something our DSs know we could almost never do or be, because deep down inside, they themselves know that they could never be with a person like that anyway (why else are the statistics about affair relationships working out so dismal?)


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

Paladin said:


> I think this is a very subjective question/topic. As a BS, our sense of self is usually crushed, the vulnerability of the situation makes even the strongest people question themselves and their own qualities, and assign value to the OM/OW that would not otherwise be there. I would assume in most cases, especially early on, the BS can find many "qualities" in the OM/OW that they themselves "lack."
> 
> A good friend of mine responded to me in a very interesting way when I made a self deprecating comment, and compared myself to the OM. He told me:
> 
> ...


i agree with you on the point of the forbidden fruit thing. humans always want what they cant have, and in some cases if you turn that around, WS will find themselves coming back to the BS because once the BS has let go, a sense of desire comes back. its cruel and eveil, but it seems to work.


another thing you mention about dysfunction.

it seems in most (not all) cases, an affair is about feeding the selfish ego or needs of the WS. to me that in itself is a dysfunction. to even need validation from some one else, is a problem. that said, most BS go right into that mode when they find out their spouses have had affairs. they become clingy and needy and such, actually making them selves less attractive(trust me, i know) But it seems that those who sont need that external vaildation, have a much easier time of letting go of the cheating spouse and moving on. 

ultimately, its about confidence and self respect. which are always attractive. add that with the honor and integrity of never cheating on your spouse, and that makes the BS INVULNERABLE .

i look at the om in my case. he is quite dysfunctional. passive aggressive, controlling and manipulative. he has insecurities which he uses as pity ploys. and that feeds my wifes own insecuitites and lack of self esteem. something she didnt always have. i think that makes her feel better he uses those emotinal stuff to come off as the "nice guy" whos caring and considerate. when hes actually just doing what he needs to get what he wants...


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## Bandit (Feb 8, 2012)

Lon said:


> For cheating wives I would say almost universally the OM is acting more alpha than you are, or atleast it is the perception of your spouse. In my ex W's case, she was stoneset on black men (and not for the reason that most guys who've seen inter-racial porn are thinking) I'm sure it factors in at some level, but for my ex it was the swagger, the confidence and leading her on the dance floor making comments on her booty, she wanted to be made to feel like a sex object and she decided she couldn't get that from me... since she had decided to depart from her morals anyway she pursued her fantasy. All it took was some sleezy guy with the right skin color to come along and speak his dirty mind for her to offer up the booty. It really is the biggest disappointment and failure for a man whose W does that, no matter what the particular details of the OM are.


Possibly but more Alpha I doubt, maybe, IDK on that one.. Black dudes, seriously.... wowser... Well if that be the case, at least she is your X... 



Paladin said:


> He told me:
> 
> "Never compare yourself to the OM, he is forbidden fruit, something you could never ever be."
> 
> In my case the OM was taller by a foot, lanky, thin, and had long arms. I'm no Bandit (nice Pic BTW, shame I dont bat for that side lol) but I've come a long way in the last few years. Im the IT Director/Manager for a casino, not exactly a physically demanding job. In may of 2009 I weighed 279lbs, this morning I'm 208. I had lost so much weight before my W had her A, it really derailed me for a bit. I'm mostly back on track now, and if you read my story, you will come to know that even if I looked like Bandit (maybe in another 6 months I will) it would not have made a difference, at the end of the day, the most attractive thing about the OM for my W was his dysfunction, and how closely it mirrored her own. Short of hitting a crack pipe and whoring myself out, I doubt I could ever hit bottom as far down as he did. She felt that she was down there by herself, and that I could not go with her, but the OM was there too.. so.. anyhow you get it.. as in most cases, it is the unattainable thing, the forbidden fruit, that seals the deal, something our DSs know we could almost never do or be, because deep down inside, they themselves know that they could never be with a person like that anyway (why else are the statistics about affair relationships working out so dismal?)


I think your right, making a comparison only eats us up inside.. and as for looking like me.. Here is what comes with that: hungry all the time, sore all the time, a lack of snugglyness as I'm told I'm to hard and uncomfortable.. having to pass up food that you could just destroy in order to stay on diet and make weight.. fantasies about ribs, and burgers...etc.. lol..It's not a naturally healthy state but one that is worked on everyday... trust me, cycling 100 miles a week, and still hitting the gym over an hour a day loses its fun factor after a while.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Bandit said:


> Possibly but more Alpha I doubt, maybe, IDK on that one.. Black dudes, seriously.... wowser... Well if that be the case, at least she is your X...
> 
> 
> 
> I think your right, making a comparison only eats us up inside.. and as for looking like me.. Here is what comes with that: hungry all the time, sore all the time, a lack of snugglyness as I'm told I'm to hard and uncomfortable.. having to pass up food that you could just destroy in order to stay on diet and make weight.. fantasies about ribs, and burgers...etc.. lol..It's not a naturally healthy state but one that is worked on everyday... trust me, cycling 100 miles a week, and still hitting the gym over an hour a day loses its fun factor after a while.


Ah, now I understand a little better why you are so judgmental. You are just as hard on yourself as you are on other people. Have you thought about what drives you to feel that you are not good enough? Are you able to forgive yourself for your very human flaws?


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

I think my ex felt the guys she was wallowing in the stye with were a step up for her until the day came when I was no longer footing the bill.
Now she's on the street, I guess I look pretty good to her in spite of my flaws. 
As far as I'm concerned, I couldn't care less since I'm no longer in the "race".


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

I guess I am vain in a way but it always pissed me off that OM was not as attractive as I am. Shorter, balding and overweight but the guy had a funny, entertaining personality and I guess that was enough to get my wife interested. Humor is one of my strong suits too but after 11 years of marriage, I guess my material was getting old.


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## Bandit (Feb 8, 2012)

lovesherman said:


> Ah, now I understand a little better why you are so judgmental. You are just as hard on yourself as you are on other people. Have you thought about what drives you to feel that you are not good enough? Are you able to forgive yourself for your very human flaws?


Judgmental, cynical, and opinionated would probably be more accurate. Not sure what you mean by forgive myself for my flaws...or the hard on myself part.. I'm disciplined if that is what you mean by hard on myself, then sure.. but it needs no forgiving..


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Never having cheated, I can only surmize that as far as a lot of WS's go, that its either an upward sociological, psychological, or financial move on their part, or one where their emotional needs are being far better met; which in turn greatly stokes the "sexual flame" both in their mind and ultimately in their groins, largely without regard to their physical appearance!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

My H got on this 'kick' of chasing the powerful ones at work. The higher the position the more he liked them. Wow, has that bitten him square in the ass!!! So it wasnt as much about her looks as her cunningness and her willingness to stroke his ego.


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## Bandit (Feb 8, 2012)

We should just have a big cleansing session and gather up all the WS's and toss them into the mouth of a volcano and move on... (if only it were that easy)...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Bandit said:


> We should just have a big cleansing session and gather up all the WS's and toss them into the mouth of a volcano and move on... (if only it were that easy)...


No, Bandit! That's the easy way out! I've forgiven mine, just moving on with my life. That way, I have solace in knowing that they now have to ask God for forgiveness. And that's quite OK! But you'd be vastly surprised at the number of those WS's that out of self-righteousness, simply won't, and quite frankly, never will. My conscience is clean!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> Never having cheated, I can only surmize that as far as a lot of WS's go, that its either an upward sociological, psychological, or financial move on their part, or one where their emotional needs are being far better met; which in turn greatly stokes the "sexual flame" both in their mind and ultimately in their groins, largely without regard to their physical appearance!


:iagree:

My STBXW was into the OM for his money, California lifestyle and the promise of a big house on the beach. I believe he dumped her after I exposed the A to his wife, but I am not sure.

For now she's living in a two bedroom apartment with one of her 40 something cougar girlfriends.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> No, Bandit! That's the easy way out! I've forgiven mine, just moving on with my life. That way, I have solace in knowing that they now have to ask God for forgiveness. And that's quite OK! But you'd be vastly surprised at the number of those WS's that out of self-righteousness, simply won't, and quite frankly, never will. My conscience is clean!


Has your ex asked you for forgiveness? If she hasn't, I guarantee she wont ask God for his, that is until the end time when she's on trial upstairs.


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## lovemylife26 (Mar 21, 2012)

MH cheated on me because I was not talking to him or having sex with him. He told me he has always had and infaction with OW, and when OW told him that she has a crush on him forever OW took it the next step. 
She lost alot of weight he likes girls with cruves and I have plenty of them an I'm proud.


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## ScubaSteve61 (Mar 20, 2012)

Well I know for sure that I was much better looking, though I'm thick and he was the skinny w/ a belly type. I'm also much smarter, given that I passed the Mensa test and he typed like someone with a third grade education. I could go on, but there is no point.


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## zanzan (Mar 24, 2012)

The OM is a very ugly man who is easily 120 pounds over weight, talk about a downgrade. 
I saw the pictures he sent her of his penis and it is a joke, mine is much bigger and I am very fit with stamina to please 3 of her.

I have a master's degree and he barely graduated high school. I make probably 5 times more money than he does.

What he has is game, goes after scorned women who either were dumped or looking for revenge, he was a master of manipulation, "a great listener till he got in your nickers" in one of her emails she called his voice "provocative". :rofl:

Go figure!!!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Has your ex asked you for forgiveness? If she hasn't, I guarantee she wont ask God for his, that is until the end time when she's on trial upstairs.


My point exactly! And she is a self-professed Christian woman. But I get the impression that she's probably far more concerned about managing all of her money!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

As a wayward husband... My affair partners (2) were better looking than my wife, but the biggest appeal to me was that they actually WANTED sex. Unlike my wife who would come up with as many excuses as she could and promise "tomorrows" that never came.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> I agree. You just summed up my STBXW in a nutshell.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What does STBXW mean?


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

I am a WW and my experience was not really about physical looks.I had a very intense sexual attraction towards the OM even though he was not very good looking. I tend to find one thing on someone I focus in on and everthing else doesnt matter. For him it was his eyes. Other than that it was more emotional than physical. The chemical connection between us was incredible..... and when I say "chemical".... I have come to learn that indeed it is only chemicals.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Hunger said:


> I am a WW and my experience was not really about physical looks.I had a very intense sexual attraction towards the OM even though he was not very good looking. I tend to find one thing on someone I focus in on and everthing else doesnt matter. For him it was his eyes. Other than that it was more emotional than physical. The chemical connection between us was incredible..... and when I say "chemical".... I have come to learn that indeed it is only chemicals.


Was he married?


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

zanzan said:


> The OM is a very ugly man who is easily 120 pounds over weight, talk about a downgrade.
> I saw the pictures he sent her of his penis and it is a joke, mine is much bigger and I am very fit with stamina to please 3 of her.
> 
> I have a master's degree and he barely graduated high school. I make probably 5 times more money than he does.
> ...


Go figure. Your description of the OM just about fits me to a tee if you leave out the willingness to chase married women.
I too barely got out of high school (had to take nine classes my senior year to graduate), then let poor judgement allow me to drop out of college. And my only time in my life where I made any "real" money, I let the politicians and the unions put me out of business.
And yet, here we are in pretty much the same spot, *****ing about our cheating ex's.:lol:


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Was he married?


No single.


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

My H def downgraded - skinny, flat as a pancake and quite plain (however same height, age hair and eye colour as me!) I saw her Face book profile and was really really shocked - I think it might have been easier if she had been some hottie, however after receiving several posts from TAM members , I now know it was about the sex . She made him feel wanted, she was enthuesatic(?) in bed, she built up his self confidence and made him feel good about himself.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Hunger said:


> What does STBXW mean?


soon to be x wife


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

She was definitely a downgrade and this is not just me thinking but everyone else that knows about his affair. She is 50 I am 38. I am no Victoria Secret model but this one would definitely make a good Halloween costume(please let me know if you need any ideas). One thing she has and I don't is Bachelor's Degree in Gold digging. My ex husband happens to be her boss and the CEO of the company. I wonder if she would have gone for him if he was just regular employee.


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## zanzan (Mar 24, 2012)

hookares said:


> Go figure. Your description of the OM just about fits me to a tee if you leave out the willingness to chase married women.
> I too barely got out of high school (had to take nine classes my senior year to graduate), then let poor judgement allow me to drop out of college. And my only time in my life where I made any "real" money, I let the politicians and the unions put me out of business.
> And yet, here we are in pretty much the same spot, *****ing about our cheating ex's.:lol:


lol no offence intended buddy and I have not dumped my wife so she is not an x. 
The question was if the OM was a downgrade and in my opinion he was a big time downgrade.
I guess when you have been wrongly prescribed a powerful medication like Zoloft and been taking it for 6 months maybe not only her judgment was impaired but maybe even her eye sight was as well.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Down cheated.... 

And that peefed me off... My words to Spouse was

WTH.... you could do so much better, thats just nasty... why in the he** choose a skank to cheat with???? (I laughed in my spouses face)

Dont know why I had that reaction but I did.. WEIRD RIGHT!!!

The thing is, my H had convencied AP, that I was fat, ugly and just down right gross.. (Not a bit true) when the AP became curious, I guess thats what you would call it, about me.. She stalked me until she got to see me, and this right out of my h mouth.. AP told him he lied to her, she say me and said I was gorgouse there is no way for her to compete with me....

MY words to him, him... WTH would she have a need to compiete with me if yall are just freinds... Dumb as*es couldnt even get there story straight...

O and she was prego not by him but was prego, dont know why he chose a prego girl for...

She is younger than me, but I look, and Im not bragging...I get told this alot, just trying to paint a clear picture about it... I get told that I look like a teenager myself... I honelstly think I look younger than her, but at least I can swoop out my drivers Licences and get a lotto ticket if I wanted,, Just sayn..

So I dont really get it at all... somtimes I think maybe it was because I was getting to independent, and this girl "needed" him.. ya she did, a SUGAR DADDY.. and he was to stupid or blind to see it for what it was,,,, Igo maybe who knows,,, I sure know I dont..


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

I called into my H workplace while A was going on and she came onto shop floor while I was talking to him , after I left she apparantly came out to him and said "If that s wot you ve got waiting at home evey night what the fvck have you been doing having sex with me?" So even she knew she was a downgrade - thats the first time I ve realised that - God I love this site!


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Definite downgrade. I can't even fathom why she would choose him. She is actually quite beautiful and could have most anyone she wanted. Who knows how these choices get made. All I know is that the grass doesn't look greener anymore.


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## dalvin_au (Mar 19, 2012)

Mine Down cheated physically...I remember she told me at the start whereby I didnt know who OM was; What, I have good taste in men...stating it as a fact.

When I figured out who it was...I was relieved...then upset.

Its like finding out your wife didnt want the brand new shiny BMW car, but wanted a Second Hand Mini Van. It didnt make any sense.

Sure the second hand mini van might have had "çharm' but you just knew under the bonnet it wasnt going to run the distance...:smthumbup:


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

I would like to say that OM was a downgrade, but truth to be told he is looking disturbingly similar to me. Also same age (we were born two months apart!), same level of education, income and so on.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

To attempt to tap into the wayward mind is folly. You cannot find reason in insanity, that is why its better to just move on and find a sane person who will love and cherish you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In my case it started so many years ago with upgrades, then as she followed this spiral of self destruction she down graded as the ONS picked up. Then she went back to up grading.

I was told that it was one of her enablers that talked her out of the crap she was going home with and started to get alot more pickier. The last was physicaly better, but emotionally and finacialy he was less.

Geez Bandit, the story I could tell you. LOL

At the end of the day my wife saw no moral value in the OM's....ironic isn't?

One more thing, the guy ( I mean kid) she fall for the most didn't have a schordum ( no balls), normal penis, but literially no balls....... go figure. This kid actually dumped her twice back in '01 and then in '08.

Then there was this kid with a pierced penis, he would cry every...................................
Again the stories I could tell you about these "down grades".


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## allthegoodnamesaregone (Nov 18, 2011)

KanDo said:


> Definite downgrade. I can't even fathom why she would choose him. She is actually quite beautiful and could have most anyone she wanted. Who knows how these choices get made. All I know is that the grass doesn't look greener anymore.


Same thing for me, everyone is going "WTF"? The W's very pretty, could have had her pick of Guys through her employment, Dr.s, Lawyers, Professionals etc... It blows me away.


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## allthegoodnamesaregone (Nov 18, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> To attempt to tap into the wayward mind is folly. You cannot find reason in insanity, that is why its better to just move on and find a sane person who will love and cherish you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wise Words Bandit, in their own mind he's/she's Prince Charming/ Lady Di. .......probably much like we were at one time ;~)


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## henley (Feb 29, 2012)

In my case OW had a very "different" look. Personally I can't say many people would find it attractive but I can see how she would have been pretty once upon a time before the ridiculous amount of tattoos and facial piercing.... oh and that dead look in her eyes coming from years of drug use and being an evil witch I would imagine. 

She is skinnier than me and has a boob job so physique wise sure, she is probably "more attractive" but she has such a pungent and vile personality (even prior to me finding out about the PA) that no one in their right mind would consider her attractive.


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## tumbleweeds (Apr 8, 2012)

new here..shes 100lbs heaver then me ..loud, drinks, smokes, if she takes her bra off they probably hang to her feet.married 3 times .she on craigslist she up graded to linkin, takes her vibrator with her guess it makes it a 3 sum.. opinionated,like to be the life of the party, enjoys putting her friends down.. probably messing with her friends boyfriends/husbands.. if my twit took her to see his parents 1 would have a heat attack the other a stroke..her husband is a professor at the local U..her soalmate is 70+.. shes 51..she a gold digger likes to call herself wdermaker.. likes to play the victim.. when she and I had a messager B party she was the life of the party...


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## Bandit (Feb 8, 2012)

the guy said:


> In my case it started so many years ago with upgrades, then as she followed this spiral of self destruction she down graded as the ONS picked up. Then she went back to up grading.
> 
> I was told that it was one of her enablers that talked her out of the crap she was going home with and started to get alot more pickier. The last was physicaly better, but emotionally and finacialy he was less.
> 
> ...


No Balls? WTF.. how did that happen?


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Oh, forgot to add that even my MIL couldn't believe the downgrade. When I had received an errant text and disclosed to her, she laughed and said she had met "Jim" and there is no way! She was shocked when she saw the evidence.


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## Alyosha (Feb 27, 2012)

The man my wife left me for is younger, taller, more handsome, more muscular, and much, much, much richer. 

It was a major upgrade in literally every single category that defines a man and that made it twice as painful and has absolutely crushed my self-esteem.

Uugggggggghhhhhhhh........


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Alyosha said:


> The man my wife left me for is younger, taller, more handsome, more muscular, and much, much, much richer.
> 
> It was a major upgrade in literally every single category that defines a man and that made it twice as painful and has absolutely crushed my self-esteem.
> 
> Uugggggggghhhhhhhh........


But he still rides your pre-owned wife while you can upgrade to someone better. Think positive!


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

I don't know if she cheated down in her mind. In my mind she did.

I doubt that she would consider him a step down because she must have felt he was worth risking everything we had built together to be with him.

He is 8 years younger then me...so is my STBXWW. He is a little taller. He is married with kids as well. He is a good time Charley type party guy...all about fun. He seems to be fine sacrificing his time with his kids and wife while lying to them to spend with STBXWW. He is into the carefree life thing...minimizing his responsibilities in favor of his own selfish pursuits.

I am 6' tall and in better proportional physical condition. I look youger then my years. I have all my hair. I am much more successful career wise then him...he makes a fraction of my income. I have multiple degrees...much better educated then him...HS only. 

I am an honest, loving and dedicated family man...he is a cheater and a liar. I am an adult and my family always came first. He is a narcissist...he comes first. My STBXWW and him have this in common.


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## Bandit (Feb 8, 2012)

Alyosha said:


> The man my wife left me for is younger, taller, more handsome, more muscular, and much, much, much richer.
> 
> It was a major upgrade in literally every single category that defines a man and that made it twice as painful and has absolutely crushed my self-esteem.
> 
> Uugggggggghhhhhhhh........


Sometimes you just can't understand the mind of the wicked, and sometimes you can't really grasp how it is that the person you cared for left for things that you cannot change. Yeah it hurts your self esteem, but maybe she will get cancer or something.. Karma is a bizich..


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## allthegoodnamesaregone (Nov 18, 2011)

Alyosha said:


> The man my wife left me for is younger, taller, more handsome, more muscular, and much, much, much richer.
> 
> It was a major upgrade in literally every single category that defines a man and that made it twice as painful and has absolutely crushed my self-esteem.
> 
> Uugggggggghhhhhhhh........


It would have made more sense to me if my wife went the upgrade route, at least I could understand that. The one she picked is a mystery to everyone and almost an insult to me, but then in MLC not much makes sense.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

My H ONS Kiss in his mind was an upgrade: 18 years younger and he actually said it made him feel good.

For me I saw photos from that night and I think downgrade: her dress was cheap, shoes out of style, and hair curled the wrong way! HA

But then some men, i.e. my H, don't care about clothes, styles, and brands!!!


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## Alyosha (Feb 27, 2012)

Thanks, Snap and Bandit.

If the OM and I were cars, it would've be a no brainer trade up for her. 

I wouldn't have her back if I could it just galls me that she was able to lie, cheat, humiliate me and treat me like dirt, take my kids, and then get rewarded handsomely for it all.

Life is strange but you have to keep on keeping on, I guess.


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## L.M.COYL (Nov 16, 2010)

Based on the poll, would you say that it is about personality, emotional attraction. $, if it is not about physique for a plurality?


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## Alyosha (Feb 27, 2012)

L.M.COYL said:


> Based on the poll, would you say that it is about personality, emotional attraction. $, if it is not about physique for a plurality?


Bottom line for my situation -- it was about the money.

She would probably deny it but it has always been about the money with her. The fact that he was also younger and better looking was just bonus material. I think that if a multi-millionaire toad would have shown interest in her, things would have worked out the same way.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Alyosha said:


> Bottom line for my situation -- it was about the money.
> 
> She would probably deny it but it has always been about the money with her. The fact that he was also younger and better looking was just bonus material. I think that if a multi-millionaire toad would have shown interest in her, things would have worked out the same way.


But did your ex marry the OM or not? 

Considering the success rate of affair's I highly doubt a young, rich guy is going to settle with an older woman with child(s).


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## Alyosha (Feb 27, 2012)

keko said:


> But did your ex marry the OM or not?
> 
> Considering the success rate of affair's I highly doubt a young, rich guy is going to settle with an older woman with child(s).


She is not officially divorced yet but they're shacked up and traveling the world together as I type.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Lon said:


> Bandit, I don't think its worth getting hung up on the physical traits of yourself or the OM. I'd say that at the time of initial stages of affair there is always something in the AP that is more appealing than what your spouse thinks you have to offer. It is very painful no matter what the AP looks like, no matter how big their c()ck is, no matter how much muscle they have etc.





Paladin said:


> I think this is a very subjective question/topic. As a BS, our sense of self is usually crushed, the vulnerability of the situation makes even the strongest people question themselves and their own qualities, and assign value to the OM/OW that would not otherwise be there. I would assume in most cases, especially early on, the BS can find many "qualities" in the OM/OW that they themselves "lack."
> 
> A good friend of mine responded to me in a very interesting way when I made a self deprecating comment, and compared myself to the OM. He told me:
> 
> "Never compare yourself to the OM, he is forbidden fruit, something you could never ever be."


This is exactly how I feel (except that I don't have a c0ck, LOL. I'm working on the muscle part). It doesn't really matter how *I* feel about myself compared to the OW. He chose her, and not me. I do think about it, but mainly just a curious comparison of this EA/PA versus previous EAs versus me. He's lied so many times, and purposefully said things about OWs just to hurt me in the worst ways possible. 

From what I know about STBXH, he likes women with issues who he can 'fix' or who make him feel superior to them. He looks down on my lack of formal education, but doesn't admire the fact that I chose to take care of him when he was sick & out of work instead of finishing my program. I've talked to every one of the EAs and I know I'm just inherently more intelligent than all of them. I have a higher level of practical experience from the school of hard knocks as well. 

This 'official' OW (PA) is younger than STBXH (I'm older), we have the same hair color and both wear glasses (me all the time, she mostly wears contacts). She runs marathons, but can't cook food that STBXH likes (I know this because he ate dinners with her and her ex-BF, then came home, complained and ate leftovers of what I cooked for our son & me  ). She has a figure like a teenage boy, and mine is that of a curvy woman -- and since I lost weight after I moved away from him, I look even better -- and that's my newfound self-confidence talking.  We both dress well. She gets drunk and high all the time (something that used to earn criticism from STBXH), I don't do either. She is pretty. She has more delicate features than I do. But I've been told that I'm pretty, too. It's a matter of taste. I'm not his anymore. Sexually? I don't know. He's the only person I've ever been with, but I'll bet there are bigger and better. I mean to find out, too.  Even though he now says he hasn't been attracted to me for years, there were plenty of times during that period where he seemed *mighty* attracted, and to attributes all of the EAs did not have.

I found a note STBXH wrote to himself talking about her traits of being manipulated by other men (besides himself), and how she talks about herself. Why would he write that down? The attitude he took was not sympathetic. If I wanted to spare her, I'd show it to her. But she was flirting and starting the EA when she was still with her BF, and she knew *I* didn't want to split with STBXH (no matter what he said). I can't see where 2 cheaters getting together is ever going to work out. And if it does? Well, there are two fewer out there to cause heartache for the rest of us.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Alyosha said:


> She is not officially divorced yet but they're shacked up and traveling the world together as I type.


IMO if they are already travelling and acting like a married couple, I bet the OM is only interested in the milf factor and will dump her after he gets his fun. Especially if your wife has multiple kids.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Alyosha said:


> The man my wife left me for is younger, taller, more handsome, more muscular, and much, much, much richer.
> 
> It was a major upgrade in literally every single category that defines a man and that made it twice as painful and has absolutely crushed my self-esteem.
> 
> Uugggggggghhhhhhhh........


But he is so poor in values and morals.... you really are the richer man.....


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## Bandit (Feb 8, 2012)

Alyosha said:


> She is not officially divorced yet but they're shacked up and traveling the world together as I type.


When you wish upon a star, dreams come true lol...

Adulters Embarking Upon Next Leg Of Their Journey Traveling The World "Were Going To Paris Baby!!"


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## kalbee (Apr 28, 2012)

Not sure. My situation is similar to Deciminated. Married 10 yrs, 2 kids. Put ex through graduate school. Minute she got job she said goodbye ($150k+). Buys house from settlement, affair partner of 1.5 yrs moves in. He was working in sales. He is taller 6'3". Not better looking or better shape. Wife and I both 5'8". I always worked hard. I have PhD. Money was not the issue. Claims she was neglected and felt unloved. Last couple years were stressful since we spent a lot time away from each for school. Thought I was building something for my family. I moved 500 miles away for work. She was supposed to follow, but decided to stay with OM. Now I'm alienated from my kids and OM has become their primary caretaker while she is primary breadwinner.


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

My wife had sex with anybody who asked for it. I literally asked this question to her and she had to think if she has ever refused anyone. She refused only one man who asked directly for sex without first introducing himself (if he'd know how easy she is). Other than that every one fvcked her, old friend, ex boyfriend, guys in the bar, coworker....... everyone. 

In my case downgrading or upgrading is irrelavent.

Now I can see that my wife, herself, was a downgrade for everybody whom she involved with.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Ouch.


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## LoveMyKids80 (Apr 24, 2012)

In my opinion (and the opinion all of my friends and family - even his) she is a downgrade. At the time, probably an upgrade as she was thinner and younger. I was heavier at the time (from my last kid) when the affair began but after finding out and all the bullsh*t I had to deal with, I am now thinner than her - HA! Of course she'll always be younger, but that doesn't matter. She has no kids of her own and I know someday she'll want them. He will not be giving them to her (fixed and doesn't want anymore). I think the reason my STBXH had the affair was because he lacked self-esteem and wasn't getting the ego boost at home. Also because we were living at my P's at the time and it was hard to have 'alone time' with two kids and parents roaming about. He didn't get that. We were going to have our own home in a month, just couldn't wait that long even though I had a talk with him about it. From snooping, I found this email (pretty much says why):

_ (My STBXH to the wh*ore) "my wife has been reading "save your marriage" stuff on line and sent me some emails. I told her I would read them. A lot of it just reinforces some of the things that are wrong, there is other stuff that wasn't in all the emails that I have issues with. I did like this little tid bit tho. This is part of what you do that makes me feel good.
---------------------------------------------------------
You’ve got to show your husband that you are still, and will always be, his number one fan. Men feel closest to a woman, including their wives, when that woman shows how much she appreciates and values him. This may appear to be nothing more than ego-stroking, but it actually runs much deeper than that. Your husband fell in love with you because you brought out the best in him. You made him feel cherished and respected. You have to continue to do that now. Thank him each and every day for everything that he brings to your life. Make it clear to him that you’re grateful that you’re his wife and do what you can to make his life easier and calmer. If your husband feels that you’re on his side, you’ll start to feel the emotional gap between you two disappearing."_

Mind you, I always thanked him for the things he did for me and the kids and I let him know I appreciated him. BUT in his mind, he had to do/say anything to justify the affair. He's a gutless, pathetic loser - forever will be. Me? I've moved on. I prefer to be happy than try to live up to someone else's expectations.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Just wanted to add it doesn't work that way for many affairs. For longterm affairs or one month long trysts maybe that poll appies, but many affairs are just ONS or quick little flings hit and quit it no emotion or relationship. 

It's not about upgrade, downgrade, it's about something different!


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Hi All:

I just registered but have been lurking for awhile. 

My husband had an affair with a woman 22 years younger. 

I think she was a downgrade. I have seen her first in photographs and several times in person. 

The people who outed her told me they thought she was a downgrade. 

I am in excellent shape, workout, eat right and look 20 years younger than my age according to everyone. 

I know that sounds like bragging but people frequently ask my husband if I am his daughter and he is actually the same age as I. 

I was blindsided by his affair after receiving an anonymous letters and discussing the letter with a friend who finally said that many people knew my husband was having an affair but were afraid to tell me.

I am so hurt and devastated. She is not only less attractive, she is a bit chunky.....something my husband claimed to not like. 

She also appears to be a gold digger and has a huge ego. She claims all men come after her and thinks she is waaay better looking than her rather attractive and kind husband. She did have my husband wrapped around her finger and she has her husband wrapped because he does not know of her affairs and she has maids and cooks.

She is married with two kids and leaves them with sitters to have affairs. The affair with my husband was her third. 

She is a huge flatterer and very ditsy. She also has a very sexy way of speaking to men other than her husband whom she claims she is disgusted by.

When I asked my husband why he was attracted to her, he said I was intellectual and she was fun. 

Her husband is far wealthier than mine and it irks me that my husband was spending the money I was saving on her. 

I am a very conservative spender and always watch our finances, particularly because he was saving for a solar panel business he wanted to start.

Anyway, the husband wants to reconcile. I am going to counseling with him, but I don't know if I can ever trust him, again. 

The other downgrade with this women is her low morality and lack of attention to her children. 

I treat my pets better than she treats her children and an affair has never been on my radar and that's not because of lack of opportunity. When men flirted with me, I simply shut them down immediately and affirmed that I was happily married.

Sometimes I think the two of them, my husband and her, deserve each other.

My husband is trying very hard to make amends, but the trust has been so totally broken I am not sure if I can go forward in our marriage and ever be happy. 

I was happy up until I learned of the affair. Now I am sad all the time. I sometimes get a sharp pain in my back when thinking of the affair, almost as if someone is stabbing me.

The affair has changed me in ways that make me unhappy, too. I was never the distrustful or suspicious type, never jealous...that has changed and I don't like it.

It is good to see others going through the same thing. 

The husband ended the affair when outed, but did say many cruel things to me, at first, including talking about how kind and good the OW was. He also blamed me for the affair saying I was boring and taking him for granted. 

I was thinking she has cheated numerous times on her unsuspecting husband....she snoops on him so she knows he does not cheat, says mean things about him, and leaves her children with strangers to have affairs. Seriously how nice could she be. 

I am so baffled and hurt. I can't figure out why he now wants to stay with me. Is it because I am a better person than the OW.

The thing that really hurts is that he wined and dined her in ways he never romanced me. And, he took her to very expensive restaurants, I always liked but refused to eat in because they were so ridiculously pricey and I did not want to spend his hard earned money that way, while he was saving for a business start up.

Now I just feel used, duped, foolish and blind.

But, yes, IMO, she's downgrade, looks wise and personality wise. Sigh

He is trying to make it up to me, but I keep thinking why bother. He already proved to be a cheater and a liar. Like her. 

He had secret bank accounts, a credit card, a burn phone and a hidden computer.

I gave him plenty of boys nights out and he used those to see the OW. He lied and lied and lied.

I can't stop crying.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I'm so sorry you're here, Sara8, but welcome. Your story is heartbreaking. Make sure you take the best possible care of yourself physically and emotionally. See your doctor if you keep having those aches and pains -- you don't want that turning into something serious. Sad to say, but if something were to happen to you, you're probably on your own and not able to count on your H. 
Are you seeing a therapist at all? This can also be helpful, even if you try counseling as a couple. A therapist can help you make the decisions you have to make that are for your own well-being. That has to come first. 
Keep posting here. You'll find that, sadly, there are a lot of people here who have been through the same thing and we're happy to offer an ear or whatever advice we can.
((hugs)) to you!


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Hi Angle pixie:

Thank you for he advice, kind words and support.

They have helped me more than you know.

I have an appointment for IC to help me cope with my emotions and sadness. I will make an appointment for the physical.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

That's a really good start, Sara8. You sound like you're going through that roller coaster of really mixed emotions, but you also sound like you're a very strong person. Keep hanging in there!

If you haven't already, you might want to read up on the threads written by people trying to reconcile after an affair, and if you decide that's not what you want, maybe the threads on the '180', too.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Thank you again, angel.

I will check out those threads.


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