# Advice Needed, Please Help!



## frustrated wife (Oct 18, 2014)

Hi and thanks for taking time to read this. I really need some advice but ave no one to talk to. I am 29 and have been with my OH for 6 years and married for 3. He is 32. For the last 4 years or sex life has been non existent, and I dont mean once month like most other stories on line I have read, I mean once a year if I am lucky! I often try to iniatiate sex and every single time get rejected which I am sure you will agree is heartbreaking. For the last year I have been seriously thinking about what to do and can I live like this. And yes I have spoken to him about it. He has no real answers and just says he will try. Its not just the sex, I feel like we are now room mates. He doesnt even kiss me! A few months ago I met a guy on night out and we flirted. OH found out and kicked me out! A week later I moved back home and told him that I need more affection as I may not have cheated this time but I could have and I am only human and can promise I wont next time if I am so ridicuously sexually frustrated. Now I dont condone cheating but I need sex! I thought that saying something like that to him would make him si up an take action but no. Few months on and nothing as changed! I love him but cant live rest of my life like this, cant bear the thought of breaking his heart if I left though. Please help, even if you dont think you can it will be nice just to talk to someone about this. Thanks x


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

You're both young - end it now and find somebody that you can live happily with or have a great time on your own for a little while first. Do you really want the next 30 years or so to be like this, with you struggling to put things right against all odds.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

not enough info provided to make strong suggestions. Any signs of medical ED? does he take antidepressant drugs? Has he had testosterone checked?

there are plenty of "my husband has LD" type threads on here. Have you read them all?

I suppose the answer is in him. If he is willing to get the medical tests to see if there is something phyically wrong, if he at least TRIES to have some sex when you inititate...then there is some hope.

One obvious thought, if he is not having sex with YOU, is he having sex with someone else (either female or male?). Have you looked at his computer and phone to see if something is going on. Cheating spouses often become monogamous with their cheating partners. weird, huh?

If none of that stuff...i would tell him i was thru and file for divorce. I personally could not survive without sex at least once a week. move on.

the fact that he thru you out for flirting with a guy kind of says he is NOT going to be ok with you just finding a f*ckbuddy for physical fun. But still, it would be worth asking. Maybe he would be ok if you had a lesbian partner, but not a guy?


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## frustrated wife (Oct 18, 2014)

Hi Murphy. No idea if it is physical or mental as he refuses to discuss it with me. I started off having sympathy for him in case their was something wrong but he has not even tried to change or seek help!

I am wondering how many 'last chances' I can give him?

Used to think he was cheating and/or gay bu not anymore. I know he loves me a lot and he is not kinda guy who could ever cheat.

I have read things about men struggling with sex if they are dont feel so masculine. I wonder if that is the issue and recently my career has been progressignn further than his and he does take his career very seriously. But is that really my fault? Should I be punished for being successful?


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## frustrated wife (Oct 18, 2014)

Plus all the threads I read on male LD they are compplaing cos they only have sex once a week or once a month! I cannot understand how a man can go a year without sex!!!

Hmmm maybe you right Murphy, maybe he is cheating


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Sit your H down and tell him you cannot live in a sexless, passionless, affectionless marriage. Give him 3 months to figure it out and take steps to meet your needs for daily affection and sex at least once a week...or however often you think is a good compromise. 

If by the end on jan you aren't convinced that he has taken all the possible steps to try to meet your needs, then divorce.

Unless you H has a serious undiagnosed low testosterone level, this will not likely ever change and you both will be better off with different partners. He will need to find a woman who also doesn't want sex or affection. And you will be happier with a man who more closely matches you in affection and drive.


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## frustrated wife (Oct 18, 2014)

Hey Anon, TBH I gave him the 3 month ulimatum about 3 months ago. I think I just dont have the balls to go thru with seperation let alone divorce.

My worry is that if he does have something medical wrong and its not is fault, but then if he wont even boter going to doctors after years or asking him then what else am i supposed to do?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

frustrated wife said:


> Hey Anon, TBH I gave him the 3 month ulimatum about 3 months ago. I think I just dont have the balls to go thru with seperation let alone divorce.
> 
> My worry is that if he does have something medical wrong and its not is fault, but then if he wont even boter going to doctors after years or asking him then what else am i supposed to do?


What does it matter if he might have a medical issue and it's not his fault? If he won't even investigate how much effort do you think he will put into following any treatment plan? The medical issue might not be his fault but not seeking treatment sure as hell is!

I completely understand your fear and hesitation with separation and divorce. Who wouldn't avoid such a painful thing? If ever there was a clear cut serious indicator that an otherwise decent man should not be a husband, this is it!

Make plans to separate. MAYBE, just maybe you moving out will force him to look in the mirror. Frankly I'm surprised your almost affair didn't. Instead he threw you out and this, to me, indicates he has zero problems with his cold and sexless life and expects YOU to be okay with it too.

You never will find a way to be happy with this kind of life. Make plans to move out and get on with your life and let him go about finding a woman who also doesn't want sex more than once a year.


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## frustrated wife (Oct 18, 2014)

Thanks, as much as your advice scares me it really does help a lot. Now I just need to act.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

frustrated wife said:


> Thanks, as much as your advice scares me it really does help a lot. Now I just need to act.


Yes you do. What's your first step?


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

frustrated wife said:


> Hi and thanks for taking time to read this. I really need some advice but ave no one to talk to. I am 29 and have been with my OH for 6 years and married for 3. He is 32. For the last 4 years or sex life has been non existent, and I dont mean once month like most other stories on line I have read, I mean once a year if I am lucky! I often try to iniatiate sex and every single time get rejected which I am sure you will agree is heartbreaking. For the last year I have been seriously thinking about what to do and can I live like this. And yes I have spoken to him about it. He has no real answers and just says he will try. Its not just the sex, I feel like we are now room mates. He doesnt even kiss me! A few months ago I met a guy on night out and we flirted. OH found out and kicked me out! A week later I moved back home and told him that I need more affection as I may not have cheated this time but I could have and I am only human and can promise I wont next time if I am so ridicuously sexually frustrated. Now I dont condone cheating but I need sex! I thought that saying something like that to him would make him si up an take action but no. Few months on and nothing as changed! I love him but cant live rest of my life like this, cant bear the thought of breaking his heart if I left though. Please help, even if you dont think you can it will be nice just to talk to someone about this. Thanks x


Your circumstance is so strange with a guy that young not interested in sex more than once a year?! Can he perform normally that one time per year?

You have been married 3 years and sexless 4 years? That means you were sexless before you got married and have been now for the whole marriage! Why did you marry him? Was there ever a time in your relationship when you had a good sex life? When? For how long? Frequency? 

If he won't even talk about it, it is not fixable. You have to move on! You are young so you can't live like that the rest if your life.


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## frustrated wife (Oct 18, 2014)

Hi Anon, not sure.....have a holiday in less than 2weeks, Part of me thinks to wait till after hols to see if anything changes but other part of me knows it wont and wonders wether i should just act now.

Hi Abc123wife, yes the sex stopped before we got married but I loved him (still do) and kid myself at the time that it was just stress of wedding and would improve. When it didnt I spent next few years convincing myself that sex wasnt important and i could live without it.

Sex was good when we first met but he has since commented that he has no interest in sex and was just like that in the beggining in order to 'get me'.


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## Longtermer (Oct 1, 2014)

If he's not willing to address a problem that is threatening your marriage he isn't worth your time. Find someone who will make you happy.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

frustrated wife said:


> Hi Anon, not sure.....have a holiday in less than 2weeks, Part of me thinks to wait till after hols to see if anything changes but other part of me knows it wont and wonders wether i should just act now.
> 
> Hi Abc123wife, yes the sex stopped before we got married but I loved him (still do) and kid myself at the time that it was just stress of wedding and would improve. When it didnt I spent next few years convincing myself that sex wasnt important and i could live without it.
> 
> *Sex was good when we first met but he has since commented that he has no interest in sex and was just like that in the beggining in order to 'get me'.*


That tells you everything. He fooled you into marrying him and is convinced you will never leave. If you manage to shake him up with an ultimatum, he might change just long enough to keep you a little longer. But nothing will really change after all this time.

Seriously, what guy in his 20s and 30s doesn't want sex more than once a year? Something is really wrong, physically or mentally. You have done your best to work through this. You are too young to not have a sex life. You have no children, leave him and maybe you can stay friends or something since he has been no more than that for many years.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

"cant bear the thought of breaking his heart if I left though."

One other thing, you don't want to break his heart, but he has been breaking your heart for more than 4 years. He has had no concern for you or your feelings or your needs, yet you have been willing to live a miserable, sexless life for him and don't want to break his heart?


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## Meli33 (Oct 16, 2014)

It is very strange for a man his age to have no sex drive. I really hope he isn't cheating on you. If i was you i would be worried that this may possibly be the case. For your sake, i hope not.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

FW,

He has now openly admitted that he intentionally deceived you about a hugely important aspect of your relationship to 'hook you'. 

That is not something that a decent human being does to someone they love. 

He is either incredibly unkind, or he doesn't really love you or both.....





frustrated wife said:


> Hi Anon, not sure.....have a holiday in less than 2weeks, Part of me thinks to wait till after hols to see if anything changes but other part of me knows it wont and wonders wether i should just act now.
> 
> Hi Abc123wife, yes the sex stopped before we got married but I loved him (still do) and kid myself at the time that it was just stress of wedding and would improve. When it didnt I spent next few years convincing myself that sex wasnt important and i could live without it.
> 
> Sex was good when we first met but he has since commented that he has no interest in sex and was just like that in the beggining in order to 'get me'.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

frustrated wife said:


> Hi Anon, not sure.....have a holiday in less than 2weeks, Part of me thinks to wait till after hols to see if anything changes but other part of me knows it wont and wonders wether i should just act now.
> 
> Hi Abc123wife, yes the sex stopped before we got married but I loved him (still do) and kid myself at the time that it was just stress of wedding and would improve. When it didnt I spent next few years convincing myself that sex wasnt important and i could live without it.
> 
> *Sex was good when we first met but he has since commented that he has no interest in sex and was just like that in the beggining in order to 'get me'*.



Hmmm, so if you pretended to be a one man kind of woman, just to get him hooked, that would be okay too?

Girl!!! Start packing!


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Frustrated_Wife
As someone who spent >25 years in a relationship with someone I love more than anything, but who has a very much lower sex drive, my advice: Leave. Don't make it "his" fault but find someone who will not leave you with a life of continuous frustration - and maybe cheating, while your husband is left feeling inadequate.


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## frustrated wife (Oct 18, 2014)

thanks for your advice guys!! Its nice to be reassured that I am doing the right thing


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

frustrated wife said:


> thanks for your advice guys!! Its nice to be reassured that I am doing the right thing


Consider yourself reassured. You are doing the right thing.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

yeah, you need sex. Sounds like you were bait-and-switched, assuming there would be a good sex life after marriage.

I would never cheat. but it is not cheating if you get a hall pass. If i were you, i would tell him the sex frequency is completely unacceptable, and I would be going outside the marriage for a pal to have sex with. I would be upfront about it, tell him I have already decided on this course of action because he was given previous ultimatums and never did anything to correct the situation.

At that point, it would be up to him. He may just say "ok", and give you space to find a physical friend. He may say "hell no" at which time you can separate or divorce him to date others. Or, it may just be the knock upside his head he needs to snap out of it and smell the coffee! In any case, i do not see the downside here in telling him you are pursuing outside interests. You CAN reassure him you still love him greatly, and that if he could find a way to have frequent sex again, you would put your plans on hold.


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