# Attraction Problems.



## yayas (Nov 24, 2013)

My husband & I are newly married (4 months ago) and we used to have sex all the time when we were dating. We have been together 5 years. 

The thing is, the reason it stopped is because I was initiating it all the time. Now, I hardly ever feel like it. 

All I can think about when the topic of sex pops in my head is how when we fight he won't do anything to make it up to me for yelling at me. He will eventually calm down and apologize but won't really say anything the next day. Won't write me a little letter or anything. I realize this is stupid, but it's something that would show a lot. Instead, I actually usually end up making us a nice dinner to make things better between us. 

He used to do super silly things like send me cat pictures that said I love you (which sounds dumb but it was funny at the time... cats of the internet are funny, ok?) and now he doesn't do that. He doesn't email me or send me little notes. 

He begins work at 2 pm each day and when I come home from my job nothing in the house is any different. He doesn't clean up after himself in the bathroom (toothpaste eeeeverywhere). He doesn't read books. He doesn't have ANY hobbies. I've been asking him to make a goal list with me of things we want to accomplish before the end of the year and he keeps putting it off or saying that "his goals are in his head". 

He does come home and kiss me every day. He loads the dishwasher and does laundry several times per week. It's not all bad. 

Another thing is, he has probably gained 30 pounds in the last couple of years. I know that shouldn't matter, but it has made me less attracted to him as a package... like the lack of motivation or hobbies + gaining a lot of weight. 

I am a very creative person that needs to do creative things with others and he never has any ideas or desire to do things. He's usually so tired at the end of his shift that he just turns on Netflix so I sit and watch with him because I want to spend time with him. We hardly see each other (I work 9-7, he works 2-11, weekdays + weekends except Sunday). 

He does still want to have sex with me. I ask him to let me know by doing something other than rolling me on my side and just trying to enter my body like that (not kissing me or even really touching any other part of my body) but he just doesn't do it and continues to try to have sex with me in the middle of the night this way and I am put-off that he doesn't listen so I usually just tell him I'm too tired. 

I feel terrible, but I find myself thinking about other people. Even comparing our relationship to my teenage sister and her boyfriend... they send hand-written notes, make time to Skype each other, send texts, and he even wrote a song for her. The thought of my husband doing this is preposterous to me. I have done many things for him like this in an effort to show him that I enjoy those sorts of expressions of love, and have even asked him right out and still nothing. I know it's not a game and I try not to keep score but it's hard when I am so explicitly asking him and still nothing happens. 

I don't know what to do here. I do honestly feel like I would be happier in a different relationship, but I also deeply love my husband and I want to be happy with him. I signed up for this and I want things to be better. I have suggested counseling and tons and tons of other options, but it just seems like he either doesn't think anything is wrong or possibly doesn't care enough to do something about it. Not in a malicious way, but in a "my wife will always love me no matter what I do" sort of way. 

I need some help with how to proceed with this. I want to continue having sex with my husband but these other things are so pressing that I can barely kiss him and it breaks my heart. 

HALP.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Do you think he would be more understanding if you were to print out what you posted here and had him read it? It sounds like there are several issues going on here besides the sex part. I'm sorry you are facing all this so early in your marriage!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Just some background, what line of work is he? There are lots of jobs that can suck your soul dry, if he is in one of those the last thing on his mind could be the right approach to sex...

Is he generally happy?


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I'm sorry. I am. Unfortunately once some people get married the chase stops. The chase is his ways to win you over. Now that he has you, he may not feel the need to continue.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Your marriage is in considerable danger. Without work, effort and growth your marriage will wither and die.
Your risk of having an affair is going to grow every day until it blossoms into reality.
You need to sit your husband down with some real serious intent.

He needs to understand that his marriage may be coming to a close if you two aren't able to improve in the areas you have listed.

He could be depressed or lazy or both but he needs some inspiration to do something about it and start romancing you again.
Communication is essential. You need to make him realize that while you love him, he needs to put effort into the marriage to keep it healthy and growing.

Let him know sooner than later, you don't have to accept or settle for a lame existence. He will appreciate the results as well

Hope the best.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

yayas said:


> My husband & I are newly married (4 months ago) and we used to have sex all the time when we were dating. We have been together 5 years.
> 
> The thing is, the reason it stopped is because I was initiating it all the time. Now, I hardly ever feel like it.
> 
> ...



Before you were engaged and married, the sex was good and often, but only because you initiated.

After you got married, he still doesn't initiate much and you feel what's the point to an extent?

You wish he would write you romantic notes, send texts and emails like most in love couples do.

Your hubby sounds very close to my wifee and I am more like you. I feel for you.

Could he be seeing someone at work? Check his emails, texts, his internet browsers, etc. It's very easy to start having an EA and then PA with a co worker, because they also are lonely, want mainly sex, don't have to get married, and see them every day at work. Do it once, and they will do it again, unless they quit and find another job, which would be the best and only plan. Monitor him discretely.

Ask him what are his fantasies, what really turns him on?

If he's a passive guy, then you must be the aggressor, even though you want it to be 50 / 50.

He may just have a lower sex drive and you have the high sex drive. Sexual mismatch and after marriage, the low sex drive spouse's true self comes out, because they are comfy.


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## yayas (Nov 24, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> Do you think he would be more understanding if you were to print out what you posted here and had him read it? It sounds like there are several issues going on here besides the sex part. I'm sorry you are facing all this so early in your marriage!


well he read everything i have written here. he is now very hurt and will barely look at me, even sleeping on the couch, locking the door every time he takes a shower (we normally shower together) and hardly speaking to me. he tells me he is very hurt and has withdrawn a great deal.


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## yayas (Nov 24, 2013)

john117 said:


> Just some background, what line of work is he? There are lots of jobs that can suck your soul dry, if he is in one of those the last thing on his mind could be the right approach to sex...
> 
> Is he generally happy?


i don't know if he is generally happy. he works in the food industry. i know it's not fair to compare, but he works a job where he has a lot of freedom, while i have 4 jobs with very little freedom and i am also a college student taking 18 hours this semester. it is very difficult for me to understand how he could be drained and not want to help out or put forth effort so i am working on trying to understand why this is. he does not demonstrate any other signs of depression other than lack of activity and selfishness, i guess.


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## yayas (Nov 24, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Your marriage is in considerable danger. Without work, effort and growth your marriage will wither and die.
> Your risk of having an affair is going to grow every day until it blossoms into reality.
> You need to sit your husband down with some real serious intent.
> 
> ...


i have mentioned this before several times so that it wouldn't get to this point, but to no avail. he usually gets so upset or withdraws or will point out things that i do. then he will calm down and come to his senses and say that things do need to be better and i believe him, but it never lasts. he usually gets upset about something and will leave or curse or something. then he will withdraw from me and i will make many attempts to patch things up (posting a picture of the two of us on facebook saying that i love my husband, making his favorite dinner, writing him an email, leaving him a letter, etc.). i'm so sad and frustrated that it doesn't happen and i'm working really hard to make things better.


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## yayas (Nov 24, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> Before you were engaged and married, the sex was good and often, but only because you initiated.
> 
> After you got married, he still doesn't initiate much and you feel what's the point to an extent?
> 
> ...


he's not seeing anyone at work. this i know.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lack of activity can be a sign of depression.

How many hours a week do you spend at work?
How many hours a week do you spend in school and on your studies?

How often does he yell at you?
Who starts the arguments? You, him or both of you?


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

yayas said:


> well he read everything i have written here. he is now very hurt and will barely look at me, even sleeping on the couch, locking the door every time he takes a shower (we normally shower together) and hardly speaking to me. he tells me he is very hurt and has withdrawn a great deal.


in previous discussions had you ever mentioned, exlpicity, that you are now not "attracted to him" or that you "think about other people"? just wondering if there's anything new for him in these posts


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## mcfadyenpb (Dec 4, 2013)

I'm sorry you are facing all this so early in your marriage!


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## Marriedand40 (Aug 19, 2013)

Yayas, don't blame yourself.

I blame your husband. He has to step up to the plate.

What kind of man doesn't give his wife attention??? If you want your wife to feel good about yourself, give her attention, thank her, cook for her once in awhile, light some candles, watch a chick flick once in a blue moon.

He is lucky you don't leave him. He has to man up. Clean up after yourself, quit being a slob. 

Also, he should get his lazy ass out of bed every morning and work out every day. If I started work at 2 pm, get up at 8, have breakfast, shower, work out, come home and have sex with you. That is what he should do.

I hate it when people say, "It doesn't matter what you look like, it's what's inside that counts, blah blah blah". 30 pound weight gain is pathetic, especially for a man. My wife is 25 pounds overweight. I accept it but I don't like it. Our sex life suffers greatly due to it.

Don't feel bad saying what you said. He needs to hear it, learn from it, correct his lifestyle and move on.

Are you a workout person yourself? Are you in shape?


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## herblackwings (May 16, 2013)

Do not get pregnant. Living like roomies and raising kids sucks. Give him a timeline to change - say 3 months. IF he changes make sure it sticks for 3 months. Chances are if he changes he'll slide back to old habits. Then file. That process alone will take 6 months or longer so you can see if anything changes during that time. The good news is he started this when the marriage was young and you are smart enough to see this red flag. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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