# A turn of events...



## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

A turn of events has taken place this week. After almost two months of H saying he doesn't want to be married, he's not happy, he needs to find himself and so on and so forth, H came home last night. It was very unexpected since he had told me last week that he would spend Thanksgiving at his family's home and all of his days off at his new place. Now he will be staying here for the next 5 days or so. I' m not sure if it is a permanent situation but it feels like a step in the right direction for a reconciliation. It felt so good to actually have dinner with H and my daughter. We haven't done that in so long. It felt great to laugh together and hang out. It felt almost normal.

If H and I were to reconcile, would we be able to stop the D from happening even if he has already filed? I haven't received any D papers as of yet and it is not a guarantee that we can reconcile. I am simply trying to cover all bases in this very confusing time in my life. 

I thought this Thanksgiving would be a tough one with not a lot of happiness. Turns out I was wrong. I have tons to be thankful for this year. The good has far out weighed the bad. I am blessed to have gone through this trying time and still been able to come out shining. I know that no matter what happens I know who I am and that will never change.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

You can terminate the divorce request at any time. Check with the local court house on the timeline.

I'm so happy for you and your H, and your daughter. 

Have a great Thanksgiving with your family!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

somuchinlove said:


> A turn of events has taken place this week. After almost two months of H saying he doesn't want to be married, he's not happy, he needs to find himself and so on and so forth, H came home last night. It was very unexpected since he had told me last week that he would spend Thanksgiving at his family's home and all of his days off at his new place. Now he will be staying here for the next 5 days or so. I' m not sure if it is a permanent situation but it feels like a step in the right direction for a reconciliation. It felt so good to actually have dinner with H and my daughter. We haven't done that in so long. It felt great to laugh together and hang out. It felt almost normal.
> 
> If H and I were to reconcile, would we be able to stop the D from happening even if he has already filed? I haven't received any D papers as of yet and it is not a guarantee that we can reconcile. I am simply trying to cover all bases in this very confusing time in my life.
> 
> I thought this Thanksgiving would be a tough one with not a lot of happiness. Turns out I was wrong. I have tons to be thankful for this year. The good has far out weighed the bad. I am blessed to have gone through this trying time and still been able to come out shining. I know that no matter what happens I know who I am and that will never change.


This is not a good development it is horrible. He has no intention of staying with you. That much is clear from his actions in the past. You are letting yourself and your poor daughter be duped and abused again. This is typical BPD/NPD stuff. They control by offering hope and then snatching it away. 

They keep people like you in their lives to take care of them when they need because you are so easy to manipulate like a puppet. You have no boundaries no self-protective mechanisms, no concern for anyone not even your children when it comes for your desire to be with them.

Read over the BPD/NPD info again and how they work in relationships. You will see your relationship there. You need help to get off of this ride. These people are treatment resistant. 

If you notice, when you distance yourself he tells you what you want to hear to draw you back in. You allow your self to be hurt again and again by hopping he will be nice this time. Your husbands actions shows that he does not care about you or your daughter and will continue to destabilize your life. 

He will leave permanently but not until he finds a replacement for you. Or you can decide to regain your self-respect and dignity and to put the needs of your daughter over the needs of this sick and selfish man. 

Who is the adult in this situation? Who is providing the stability, protection and leadership for the child? Who is looking out for her future ability to relate to a man without being a doormat. Your daughter is 12 years old and is not able to make decisions to protect herself and her emotions she looks to you for that. You are focused on a man who is wreaking havoc in her life. 

You need to lead as a woman and a mother. Being compassionate is not being available to be stepped on and that is what you are teaching your daughter. 

Woman Up and decide to act in your own interest and that of your daughter. Stop trying to fix him. With his personality disorders he is not fixable. Read over the info again. 

He is looking for a reassurance that you have not abandoned him. He will also make it clear that you are trying to engulf him with your family holiday cheer. He'll destroy your happy holiday time by acting out and making the time a miserable one. 

You will be back on monday with the resolve to end things until he comes back the next time. Wash repeat wash repeat...... You can get off of the cycle any time you want. Do it for your daughter - stop putting this man before her, she needs you and you are all she has.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

BPD/NPD stuff???


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Narcissistic Personality Disorder..wow. I see some of this in my situation. Like I am completely to blame for the problem.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a kissing cousin of BPD. There is usually some overlap between the two. Most people think being a narcissist means that you’re conceited or vain–there’s a lot more to it.

Men are typically accused of being insensitive and out of touch with their feelings. We rarely talk about women who emotionally abuse the men they claim to love. There are different reasons why this is a silent epidemic:

a) Society and psychology hold a reverse sexist attitude regarding the perpetrators and recipients of emotional abuse.

b) Men have been brainwashed into believing that “she’s just expressing her feelings” when she’s being abusive and that “he’s insensitive and doesn’t understand.” Unfortunately, many mental health professionals perpetuate this phenomenon through their own gender biases. Should these men enter into couples treatment, they often get tag teamed by their girlfriend/wife and the therapist into believing they’re the problem. Should this couple actually find a shrink worth his/her salt that tries to hold the Borderline/Narcissist accountable, said shrink is duly fired and vilified by the BPD/NPD.

c) Men are too embarrassed to talk about the hurt, pain and confusion they experience as a result of the way these women mistreat them.

Warning: Being involved with an abusive Borderline or Narcissist May Be Hazardous to Your Mental Health

Here are some common side effects of being in an abusive relationship, whether the abusive individual has a personality disorder or not:

1) Censoring your thoughts and feelings. You edit it yourself because you’re afraid of her reactions. Swallowing the lump in your throat and your hurt and anger is easier than dealing with another fight or hurt feelings. In fact, you may have stuffed your own emotions for so long that you no longer know what you think or feel.

2) Everything is your fault. You’re blamed for everything that goes wrong in the relationship and in general, even if it has no basis in reality.

3) Constant criticism. She criticizes nearly everything you do and nothing is ever good enough. No matter how hard you try, there’s no pleasing her or, if you do, it’s few and far between.

4) Control freak. She engages in manipulative behaviors, even lying, in an effort to control you.

5) Dr Jekyll and Ms Hyde. One moment she’s kind and loving; the next she’s flipping out on you. She becomes so vicious, you wonder if she’s the same person. The first time it happens, you write it off. Now, it’s a regular pattern of behavior that induces feelings of depression, anxiety, helplessness and/or despair within you.

6) Your feelings don’t count. Your needs and feelings, if you’re brave enough to express them, are ignored, ridiculed, minimized and/or dismissed. You’re told that you’re too demanding, that there’s something wrong with you and that you need to be in therapy. You’re denied the right to your feelings.

7) Questioning your own sanity. You’ve begun to wonder if you’re crazy because she puts down your point of view and/or denies things she says or does. If you actually confide these things to a friend or family member, they don’t believe you because she usually behaves herself around other people. 

8) Say what? “But I didn’t say that. I didn’t do that.” Sure you did. Well, you did in her highly distorted version of reality. Her accusations run the gamut from infidelity to cruelty to being un-supportive (even when you’re the one paying all the bills) to repressing her and holding her back. It’s usually baseless, which leaves you feeling defensive and misunderstood.

9) Isolating yourself from friends and family. You distance yourself from your loved ones and colleagues because of her erratic behavior, moodiness and instability. You make excuses for her inexcusable behaviors to others in an effort to convince yourself that it’s normal. 

10) Walking on landmines. One misstep and you could set her off. Some people refer to this as “walking on eggshells,” but eggs emit only a dull crunch when you step on them. Setting off a landmine is a far more descriptive simile.

11) What goes up, must come down. She places you on a pedestal only to knock it out from under your feet. You’re the greatest thing since sliced bread one minute and the next minute, you’re the devil incarnate.

12) Un-level playing field. Borderlines and Narcissists make the rules; they break the rules and they change the rules at will. Just when you think you’ve figured out how to give her what she wants, she changes her expectations and demands without warning. This sets you up for failure in no-win situations, leaving you feeling helpless and trapped.

13) You’re a loser, but don’t leave me. “You’re a jerk. You’re a creep. You’re a bastard. I love you. Don’t leave me.” When you finally reach the point where you just can’t take it anymore, the tears, bargaining and threats begin. She insists she really does love you. She can’t live without you. She promises to change. She promises it will get better, but things never change and they never get better.


When that doesn’t work, she blames you and anything and anyone else she can think of, never once taking responsibility for her own behaviors. She may even resort to threats. She threatens that you’ll never see the kids again. Or she threatens to bad mouth you to your friends and family. 

Tomorrow, I’ll post a follow-up blog in which I explain why this emotional abuse and what you can do about it.

by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

She is well aware of what her husband is suffering from. Her love for him is deep, and that's commendable. She and her husband are going through hell. Let them keep moving and doing it together so that they can come out the other side as the loving couple they were meant to be.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

HerToo said:


> She is well aware of what her husband is suffering from. Her love for him is deep, and that's commendable. She and her husband are going through hell. Let them keep moving and doing it together so that they can come out the other side as the loving couple they were meant to be.


Thanks, HerToo for the support . 

Let me say that I am not getting back together with my H. We are still separated, I am still moving in about a month and I plan to leave the state in 6-12 months. I understand his problems and I know that they are not easily solved. Do I love my H? Of course. He is my best friend in the world. I care about him deeply. Is he stuck in a cycle? Yes he is. I am well aware of the cycle and keeping my distance. This is a big topic of discussion between me and my T. 

And whoever said that I am putting my H before my child, you couldn't be more wrong on that note. My child comes before anybody on this planet. She knows this and is well aware of the situation. She knows that H is battling some emotional chaos right now. Her best interests are ALWAYS my top priority. 

Please understand one thing: as emotionally destroyed as my H is, he has managed to pay all of my bills and he gives me money weekly. He has not said anything unkind to me or my child. Yeah, his actions have been anything but commendable but I know why he has acted in this manner. So for me to try and tell him that he couldn't come stay at his own house would have never worked without unnecessary fighting and arguing, which I believe would be more damaging to my daughter than letting H come back home for the holidays. Matter of fact, isn't that what the holidays are about? Being kind and forgiving if even only for a little while


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

somuchinlove said:


> Thanks, HerToo for the support .
> 
> And whoever said that I am putting my H before my child, you couldn't be more wrong on that note. My child comes before anybody on this planet. She knows this and is well aware of the situation. She knows that H is battling some emotional chaos right now. Her best interests are ALWAYS my top priority.


i think this "accepted norm" is wrong wrong wrong! it needs to be de-bunked, big time for
obvious reasons.

H/W team should always come 1st except in case of emergency
situations, of course. Occasionally/rarely u can balance the two
worlds (loves of yer life) but....in the end....there can only be one.

because couples (women especially) place their (albeit, lovely)
children 1st, u have some of the fuel necessary to ignite problems of too many to mention kinds here, between H/W &
rel'shps.

sure, kids can be top priority for a day/hr/whatever, but this
kinda blanket stmt/reasoning is bullocks, and needs to be
exposed for what it is....gunpowder/gasoline/heat/etc-etc.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

This is me said:


> Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a kissing cousin of BPD. There is usually some overlap between the two. Most people think being a narcissist means that you’re conceited or vain–there’s a lot more to it.
> 
> Men are typically accused of being insensitive and out of touch with their feelings. We rarely talk about women who emotionally abuse the men they claim to love. There are different reasons why this is a silent epidemic:
> 
> ...


this is so good i knew it had to be someone highly educated/experienced or a professional.

should be a sticky here & on many other threads as well.

dont know how to subscribe here but, will try to come back n find yer follow up, lest i miss something good.

:smthumbup:


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

Catherine602 said:


> This is not a good development it is horrible. He has no intention of staying with you. That much is clear from his actions in the past. You are letting yourself and your poor daughter be duped and abused again. This is typical BPD/NPD stuff. They control by offering hope and then snatching it away.
> 
> They keep people like you in their lives to take care of them when they need because you are so easy to manipulate like a puppet. You have no boundaries no self-protective mechanisms, no concern for anyone not even your children when it comes for your desire to be with them.
> 
> ...



I second that without even thinking about it. 

Somuchinlove:
This man will continue to cause you untold heartache and grief.
I will go out on a limb here and say you are a very insecure person and you cannot stand the thought of not being with this man therefore you will listen to anything he has to say. 

I want to say "I hope it works out" for your sake but I know from experience that this will not last. This man has walked all over you, treated you like a piece of garbage and you're willing to take him back. 
Take a good look at reality, what he has done. 

GET THE H3LL OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP, he will destroy you. 
He will continue to play up on you, and he has no intentions of making you happy, his life is all about HIM... 

This man does not care about you, even though he may say he does. He cares about himself. You have no idea of the hell he causes himself let alone what he's capable of.

On that note, i will not write anymore.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

cb45 said:


> i think this "accepted norm" is wrong wrong wrong! it needs to be de-bunked, big time for
> obvious reasons.
> 
> H/W team should always come 1st except in case of emergency
> ...


So it is wrong for me to put my child before other people? It has never been an issue for me since I became a mother at the age of 16. Anybody who doesn't like this fact doesn't need to be in my life. I have never had a problem "balancing the two worlds", as you put it. Although to say that children and spouses are two different worlds is kind of extreme. It's really not rocket science and it is not a big deal at all. My child is a great individual who is well on her way to living a wonderful life.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

mrnice said:


> I second that without even thinking about it.
> 
> Somuchinlove:
> This man will continue to cause you untold heartache and grief.
> ...


I never said I was getting back with him at all. All I said was that he came back home. I am still leaving next month. They tried to serve me D papers yesterday but I was not at home. I am moving forward with my life without H. He would have a laundry list of things he would have to do before we could ever consider getting back together. 

FYI: I am far from insecure! I am not sure why you would think that I hang on to everything my H says  He said he wanted to come home so I let him. He didn't make me any promises. He isn't begging for me to come back to him. We are still friends and it's the Holidays. I was raised that you should treat others how you want to be treated. So that is what I am doing. I would hope that if I suffered from NPD/BPD that my friends and family would not just toss me aside to fend for myself. And if I did decided to try and save my marriage, where is the wrong in that? I took my vows seriously and I still do. For better or for worse, sickness and health...

Seriously, a couple of these responses seem really bitter and mean spirited  Maybe it's because it is the Holidays and your a little lonely. Misery loves company, right? Sorry but I refuse to be miserable and heartless during this time of year. I have so much to be thankful for right now so that is what I will focus on. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!!


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## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

somuchinlove said:


> Seriously, a couple of these responses seem really bitter and mean spirited  Maybe it's because it is the Holidays and your a little lonely. Misery loves company, right? Sorry but I refuse to be miserable and heartless during this time of year. I have so much to be thankful for right now so that is what I will focus on. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!!


:iagree:

also, I think it is good to move forward. As long as you realize there will probably be some more backward....and forward....and backward.....it's a vicious roller coaster that we are willing to ride if we want to make the best life for Us and our children whether you stay married or not. 
My 2 cents...  Good Luck and remember that you are important, NO MATTER WHAT - that child LOVES MOM!!


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