# When does the Wayward realize they screwed up??



## pearljam (Jun 11, 2011)

First post here. Married 11 years, 4 kids under the age of 8. Wife had a PA with some dirt bag from her work, started Feb 6, 2011. D-day March 11, 2011. Fast forward to today - I've been working my tail off to reconcile the marriage. Wife in and out of affair, I've been on the spectrum from doormat to setting firm boundaries. She's been on plentyoffish.com meeting other guys online as well, says she likes getting attention. Cracked into her phone today, and saw she has had phone conversations with 4, yes 4 random guys. 

Today I met with attorney to file papers for divorce. Wife still in affair with OM. We started separation with a 1 BR apt last week, kids stay at home, and we trade off staying at apt. Only in this one week, and she brings OM to apt last night. WTF.

I feel relieved that I've done everything I could to save this marriage. I am a very faithful man to God, pray multiple times a day. He has shown me glimmers of hope that this marriage will be saved, but last couple weeks it just crashed. Wife went back to OM, lied to me about it, and just wants out.

At what point will she realize what she's done to wreck this marriage and family? What is she looking for? She has isolated herself from her family, my family, our church. I am moving on and know there is someone out there that will love me again, but it will be a while. 

My attorney told me today that she likely has the weight of the world on her shoulders, with all the guilt. She is conceding a lot of stuff through this divorce - she only wants 50/50 custody, $150K cash to buy a townhouse, and child support. I have a net worth of $1M, get to keep the house and all the retirement accounts. Attorney says to strike while the iron is still hot, and that is what I'm doing. 

I really feel sorry for her - she's been lying and gaslighting me that our marriage has been horrible for 10 years. BS, fog talk. Just looking to hear from others on when the WW wakes up, and how that goes. I know that I will likely never take her back after what she's put me through, but curious when her low point will be. 

What a great site to share all of this.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

She works, and has 4 young children. When does she have time for other men, geez. Do what your attorney has advised you to do.

If you two share 50/50 custody, then why do you have to pay her child support? 

Her low point will be when she has been with a few abusive bums who have used her. She will realize that she missed out on her kids for these scumbags. She will realize how good she had it with you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I suggest you stop asking all these questions about your wife and start asking some questions about your self. Like What new and interesting people will I meet in the future? or.. What new hobby do I want to get involved with? Most importantly is the question "When will I move on and stop worring about the things I have no control over"?

You are healing and you can expect the wondering, but in the same breath we can also wonder about what the future hold. Be confident that you will move on to healthier behaviors and the suffering your wife will have is something she will have to own.

But for you...you must own the fact that a new stage in life is just infront of you and you are about to be a happier and healthier man. Some one your young kids will lean on and I ean lean on...your chick is nuts.

Any way back to you and what your kids are counting on, and that is a father with a bright and positive future. How will you be as this new person? Can you live up to be the father they can count on. What kind of car will my oldest drive?

Yes, to all these questions. So my point is your asking the wrong question. Even with a crystal ball and all those negitive question have a answer does it realy matter? no I don't think so.

I believe the positive questions about you and what you can control are the ones worth asking.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

And about the big question you had.

Mrs the guy wasn't so much in a fog she just stopped. She did the NC on d-day and through confirmation she was validated. She immediately did the heavy lifting to help me heal.
My story is different in the fact that my wife was waiting for me all along she just was waiting for me to care. Trust me its a long story.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your wife is still in disneyland---she won't come out of her fantasyworld, probably till its much to late

She has no responsibilities with her scum lover, whatsoever, so she could care less at this point

It is fact that 97% of adulterous hook-ups fail---when she gets a dose of reality with her scum lover, she will see the grass is not greener, but a dirty shade of brown, AND SHE WILL REGRET WHAT SHE HAS DONE---EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE

By the way---do not allow her scum lover to have any access to your kids----if the courts do allow him access, when he is with her, moniter the situation very closely, and if he even talks to your kids, out of line, go after him with everything youve got


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## avenrandom (Sep 13, 2010)

Answering your two questions from my experiences. Coming for another man with some wealth, my wife figured it out the second night she spent without our "things" around. I hired movers the day after I discovered the "truth" and she came home unexpectedly to an empty home. The OM had a boombox on cardboard boxes, only a few dishes, no TV, and an air mattress which needed to be filled daily. She stated laying awake @ 4am on a slowly deflating air mattress in an empty apartment gave her the motivation to come find me @ 6am and start begging.

...Which leads to the second answer: Why take back a woman simply because she finally realized I was providing more than anyone else could? The real answer (which I learned later) is that the OM left her in the middle of the night to spend time with his Ex (whom he broke up with to be with my wife). My story (and plenty others here on TAM) is that _if_ the wayward "wakes up" that there is typically more to the story than simply wanting you back. We'd all love to think there is this great epiphany that happens in their mind, and they realize they've made "The biggest mistake of their lives" but I've seen those are few and far between.

Just be prepared if she does attempt to come back. I remember having a million things in my head I wanted to say, and when it actually happened I lost sight of my own happiness. 

P.S. Costs a bit to convince movers to come with two hours notice, but it was worth it.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Reality sets in generally when the paperwork starts. She doesn't seem to be effected by D discussions. The marriage has been bad for 10 years is the typical black brush they paint the marriage with to justify their actions because they can't look in the mirror any other way. Because she hasn't broke it off, understand your desire to be done. But you both are too close to D day. I'd advise not being in such a rush. You may regret it.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Your lawyer is right about striking while her guilt is still peaked but I doubt she won't wake up about making a financial mistake before it's final. I wouldn't have done the apartment for the very reason of what she's doing with it. Does she work? Is the apartment joint? Have you cut off all of the credit cards and emptied the accounts she has access to.? Do you have a legal separation agreement including visitation? Personally that's where I'd start and give it some time. If your sure your done, get the D final.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Remember, if she doesn't work, the Judge may suggest to her she is not being smart.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

When does the Wayward realize they screwed up?? Some never do, or are too proud to admit that they did screw up. Some simply walk away and never look back.


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