# Need unbiased advice



## It'sme123 (Oct 8, 2021)

Hey there. So, I'm here because my husband and I have been married for 4 years now. We get a long well, we both work and hold the fort down and enjoy life. The only bad thing in our marriage is lack of sex. We hug, kiss, sleep together in bed but we have no sex. When I ask about having sex he says we can't because he's tired from work or he's not in the mood. I think in the time we've been married we've had sex 2 times. I just don't know what to do. It's not easy going without sex. Can someone give some insight? Thanks!


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Was there a stage in the relationship where the two of you did have good sex?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Uh wow. Did you have sex more before you were married and the tap shut off?


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## It'sme123 (Oct 8, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Uh wow. Did you have sex more before you were married and the tap shut off?


Yes but not crazy amounts but now it's zero.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Have you suggested he gets his testosterone checked? 
Does he watch porn?


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## It'sme123 (Oct 8, 2021)

Laurentium said:


> Was there a stage in the relationship where the two of you did have good sex?


Yes, there wasn't tons of it but it was good.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

I'm in a terrible place in my marriage and still have sex once a week, even though it's just for my husbands benefit. This is something that needs to be addressed. I'm exhausted by the end of each day and even as a woman have never used that to not have sex.


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## It'sme123 (Oct 8, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Have you suggested he gets his testosterone checked?
> Does he watch porn?


I didn't think of that but thanks for the suggestion. He may watch porn.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

It'sme123 said:


> Hey there. So, I'm here because my husband and I have been married for 4 years now. We get a long well, we both work and hold the fort down and enjoy life. The only bad thing in our marriage is lack of sex. We hug, kiss, sleep together in bed but we have no sex. When I ask about having sex he says we can't because he's tired from work or he's not in the mood. I think in the time we've been married we've had sex 2 times. I just don't know what to do. It's not easy going without sex. Can someone give some insight? Thanks!


I'm sorry you are going through this. A marriage with sexual intimacy is not really a marriage. You are roommates and business partners. You are unusual around here because it is usually the husband needing more sex. Regardless the advice is pretty much the same. You have to make it know to him that you NEED that intimacy. It isn't just about the sex. It is about the deep emotional connection that comes along with sex. It seems you have spontaneous desire and he is responsive desire. You shouldn't ask for sex, you should initiate sex. You need to turn him on and it shouldn't start 10 minutes before you want to have some fun. You need to set the stage well before that point. Make him desire you. 

Here are a couple good articles to read and you'll find more if you poke around the site. 









Responsive vs spontaneous desire - Uncovering Intimacy


Yesterday I wrote about arousal non-concordance and how sometimes our body’s arousal doesn’t match up with our mind’s arousal. How it can be that your mind might want sex, but your body isn’t ready. Or the opposite can happen. Unfortunately, this confuses a lot of women




www.uncoveringintimacy.com












What's the best way to initiate sex? - Uncovering Intimacy


Is it better to be direct or subtle? To use words, or actions to initiate sex? To surprise them, or give them a warning ahead of time?




www.uncoveringintimacy.com


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

It'sme123 said:


> I didn't think of that but thanks for the suggestion. He may watch porn.


Those are very good questions from @Diana7 

I know everyone may be a little different, but it is very out of the ordinary for a man to have no libido. Low T could be an issue. How old your the two of you and is this the first marriage for both of you?

You really should try to find out if he is using porn and masturbating. If that is the case it is a major issue that needs to be addressed. I've said it dozens of times. I'm not anti porn or masturbation, but when it deprives the other spouse of their needs it is wrong and has to stop.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

It'sme123 said:


> Hey there. So, I'm here because my husband and I have been married for 4 years now. We get a long well, we both work and hold the fort down and enjoy life. The only bad thing in our marriage is lack of sex. We hug, kiss, sleep together in bed but we have no sex. When I ask about having sex he says we can't because he's tired from work or he's not in the mood. I think in the time we've been married we've had sex 2 times. I just don't know what to do. It's not easy going without sex. Can someone give some insight? Thanks!


I will just say as a man, have never been too tired for sex with the wife. It doesnt take that much energy. Especially if he lays back, you on top. No energy at all. 

So, why is he avoiding you? Does he have ED? Tell him this cant continue n he has to fix it! You are at high risk to end up cheating.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It sounds like he never had much of a sex drive, and how it's essentially zero. Has he gained a lot of weight? Have you? Any other changes, such as medications? If there is no clear trigger, and he gets tested for testosterone, etc., without finding an issue, then I doubt there will be any satisfactory solution to having sex short of divorcing him and finding someone who is passionate about you.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> It seems you have spontaneous desire and* he is responsive desire.* You shouldn't ask for sex, you should initiate sex. You need to turn him on and it shouldn't start *10 minutes* before you want to have some fun. Y*ou need to set the stage well before that point. Make him desire you.*


Is that actually a thing with a male? I always read it in context of a female. Same with setting the stage. I thought men were always DTF unless passed out. 

If she initiates, wouldn't think it would take more than about 1/2-2 minutes of hand and/or mouth action to get him more than ready to hit the groove.

If however he has performance anxiety for some reason he may not have the confidence to even permit her to work on him. So, it would be helpful for her to start messing with him and see what happens. If he disengages, then it si evident he needs to see a doctor and start working the problem. HE needs to get his act together ASAP! She needs to put her foot down and not let this stuff spiral out of control. For sure, the "too tired" meme is BS. That line is a woman's response when pissed.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Ages for both? Fitness level? Children?

Have you thought about your plans assuming nothing changes?

I dated a woman a number of years ago, whose husband was described like yours. She asked for a divorce. He was stunned, shocked, saddened. Asked her to change her mind. She told him flatly that if she remained in the marriage she would end up having sex with someone else, and asked if he thought that was preferable. He did not.

As pointed out, ask him if he masturbates, and insist on having his T levels tested. If he doesn't even want to address THAT .., well then, you have some choices to make.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

It'sme123 said:


> Hey there. So, I'm here because my husband and I have been married for 4 years now. We get a long well, we both work and hold the fort down and enjoy life. *The only bad thing in our marriage is lack of sex*. We hug, kiss, sleep together in bed but we have no sex. When I ask about having sex he says we can't because he's tired from work or he's not in the mood. I think in the time we've been married we've had sex 2 times. I just don't know what to do. It's not easy going without sex. Can someone give some insight? Thanks!


Wait a minute! You have had sex *TWICE* in your first *FOUR YEARS* of marriage??!!! ( I need to read stuff better. ) How did you remember how?! This is nuts! How about before you got married? If none, what was his excuse then?? The only bad thing is the main thing. You should have lost count in the first six months you were married. 

Something is horribly wrong with your "husband". Way past checking hormone levels etc. He knows himself things are terribly wrong and it is all his responsibility. Too tired from work??!! Not in the mood??!! I call BS on that. What is his REAL problem? I hate to say this but what evidence do you have he even wants to be with a woman? From what you posted I see no evidence. Most men hugging and kissing their wife progresses to foreplay and the main event very nicely. And any man without for more than a few days is going to be very enthusiastic.

How have you remained sane? No sex as a newlywed and for four years thereafter? Why have you not asked for an annulment due to breach of contract and non-consummation?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Having sex only twice in four years is a crisis situation. I guess that means you don't have children. If he does come around, don't get pregnant. The long-term prospects for this marriage are extremely bad.


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## It'sme123 (Oct 8, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I'm sorry you are going through this. A marriage with sexual intimacy is not really a marriage. You are roommates and business partners. You are unusual around here because it is usually the husband needing more sex. Regardless the advice is pretty much the same. You have to make it know to him that you NEED that intimacy. It isn't just about the sex. It is about the deep emotional connection that comes along with sex. It seems you have spontaneous desire and he is responsive desire. You shouldn't ask for sex, you should initiate sex. You need to turn him on and it shouldn't start 10 minutes before you want to have some fun. You need to set the stage well before that point. Make him desire you.
> 
> Here are a couple good articles to read and you'll find more if you poke around the site.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the advice


Deejo said:


> Ages for both? Fitness level? Children?
> 
> Have you thought about your plans assuming nothing changes?
> 
> ...


Me 41, fit / him 39 a littl


Deejo said:


> Ages for both? Fitness level? Children?
> 
> Have you thought about your plans assuming nothing changes?
> 
> ...


I'm 41 and active in fitness. He is 39 not active in fitness. No children. I appreciate the insight. Everyone has good takes on this.


Rus47 said:


> Wait a minute! You have had sex *TWICE* in your first *FOUR YEARS* of marriage??!!! ( I need to read stuff better. ) How did you remember how?! This is nuts! How about before you got married? If none, what was his excuse then?? The only bad thing is the main thing. You should have lost count in the first six months you were married.
> 
> Something is horribly wrong with your "husband". Way past checking hormone levels etc. He knows himself things are terribly wrong and it is all his responsibility. Too tired from work??!! Not in the mood??!! I call BS on that. What is his REAL problem? I hate to say this but what evidence do you have he even wants to be with a woman? From what you posted I see no evidence. Most men hugging and kissing their wife progresses to foreplay and the main event very nicely. And any man without for more than a few days is going to be very enthusiastic.
> 
> ...





Sfort said:


> Having sex only twice in four years is a crisis situation. I guess that means you don't have children. If he does come around, don't get pregnant. The long-term prospects for this marriage are extremely bad.


I agree with you. I am sad.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Is the only problem sex?


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## It'sme123 (Oct 8, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Wait a minute! You have had sex *TWICE* in your first *FOUR YEARS* of marriage??!!! ( I need to read stuff better. ) How did you remember how?! This is nuts! How about before you got married? If none, what was his excuse then?? The only bad thing is the main thing. You should have lost count in the first six months you were married.
> 
> Something is horribly wrong with your "husband". Way past checking hormone levels etc. He knows himself things are terribly wrong and it is all his responsibility. Too tired from work??!! Not in the mood??!! I call BS on that. What is his REAL problem? I hate to say this but what evidence do you have he even wants to be with a woman? From what you posted I see no evidence. Most men hugging and kissing their wife progresses to foreplay and the main event very nicely. And any man without for more than a few days is going to be very enthusiastic.
> 
> ...





ccpowerslave said:


> Is the only problem sex?


Yes.


ccpowerslave said:


> Is the only problem sex?


Yes


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Dont waste your life this way. You have no children thankfully. Realistically he has had 4 years to fix himself, and knows it. Having done nothing what is there to hope for? You say he isnt fit. Is he heavy? Other health issues? Was he looking for a caregiver not a partner?

Was he married before? If not, now you know the reason. If divorced now you know why.

Do you work and have your own income? If not get a job and begin to be self supporting. Sorry, but prepare to seek annulment.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

It'sme123 said:


> When I ask about having sex he says we can't because he's tired from work or he's not in the mood.


Ok. You should tell him you want to have a serious talk with him (not in the bedroom) about your sexual relationship, and if he’s not comfortable then to pick a time but it should be soon.

Use, “I feel…” language. When I don’t have sex I do not feel loved etc…. Ask him if he has a physical problem and if he’d be willing to have his T levels checked. See if you can get him to tell you what the problem is. Tired every day doesn’t cut it, he needs to be willing to work with you on it because it’s damaging the marriage.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

It'sme123 said:


> Thank you for the advice
> 
> Me 41, fit / him 39 a littl
> 
> ...


I had to start taking T injections at 37. Tired all the time, little interest in sex. Rather sleep. My Dr. had to start at 34.


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## It'sme123 (Oct 8, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> I had to start taking T injections at 37. Tired all the time, little interest in sex. Rather sleep. My Dr. had to start at 34.


That's interesting. I never thought of that!


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Even with low T, I crave sex most of the time. Maybe it affects people differently.
Perhaps the old "bait and switch" was played by him.
Was he looking for a room mate to share in expenses and for a cleaning lady?
He may have ED and be ashamed of it. Next time he uses the tired excuse, tell him you'll do the work and then give him a hand or blow job. You'll know if the equipment works or not at that point.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

It'sme123 said:


> That's interesting. I never thought of that!


But, the thing is HE knows things aren't right! I started T injections about a year ago because had decreased *capability *from age. My *libido* was still where it was as a teenager. Everyone is different, guess for some men the libido goes away, rather like how castrating a bull removes any interests in cows. In any case, a man with low libido or poor capability *KNOWS* he has a problem! His wife needn't say a word. Especially if his new wife is climbing the walls (for years)! She shouldn't need to tell him to get with the program.

What does he do if you start messing with his junk? Surely in four years you have already done that. What was his response? "I'm too tired?" Tell him he can just relax and let you do the "work", continue working on him. If he continues to pull away, then ask him why and persist until you receive an answer that makes some sense.

If he has low T, or ED, or PA, or is obese, or whatever his problems are can be solved. But he has to take the initiative like yesterday. Let him know in no uncertain terms that you are not a happy camper and that if he wants to continue the "marriage", he needs to consummate it. Often and passionately.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

manwithnoname said:


> *Even with low T, I crave sex most of the time. Maybe it affects people differently.*
> Perhaps the old "bait and switch" was played by him.
> Was he looking for a room mate to share in expenses and for a cleaning lady?
> He may have ED and be ashamed of it. *Next time he uses the tired excuse, tell him you'll do the work and then give him a hand or blow job.* You'll know if the equipment works or not at that point.


This EXACTLY! And if the equipment doesn't work it can be fixed by a competent urologist. What is inexcusable is for her husband to take no action.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He isn't interested. Divorce him already.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Might he be a closet gay?

If not, he might be a closet gray alien.

I agree with the others....
Divorce him.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

It'sme123 said:


> Hey there. So, I'm here because my husband and I have been married for 4 years now. We get a long well, we both work and hold the fort down and enjoy life. The only bad thing in our marriage is lack of sex. We hug, kiss, sleep together in bed but we have no sex. When I ask about having sex he says we can't because he's tired from work or he's not in the mood. I think in the time we've been married we've had sex 2 times. I just don't know what to do. It's not easy going without sex. Can someone give some insight? Thanks!


He's getting it from somewhere. Just not you. If he's not doing his job as a husband it's time to dump him and move on.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

AndStilliRise said:


> He's getting it from somewhere. Just not you. If he's not doing his job as a husband it's time to dump him and move on.


Funny...in another thread if i remember...you defend the woman/blame the man when the hubby is complaining about no sex and then support the woman and to hell with the guy when the woman complains of no sex.
🤔
Nothing unbiased about that! No...nothing at all! 😂


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## Slowhand (Oct 8, 2021)

It'sme123 said:


> Hey there. So, I'm here because my husband and I have been married for 4 years now. We get a long well, we both work and hold the fort down and enjoy life. The only bad thing in our marriage is lack of sex. We hug, kiss, sleep together in bed but we have no sex. When I ask about having sex he says we can't because he's tired from work or he's not in the mood. I think in the time we've been married we've had sex 2 times. I just don't know what to do. It's not easy going without sex. Can someone give some insight? Thanks!


It could be that he is sexually attracted to men on the down low.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Is that actually a thing with a male? I always read it in context of a female. Same with setting the stage. I thought men were always DTF unless passed out.
> 
> If she initiates, wouldn't think it would take more than about 1/2-2 minutes of hand and/or mouth action to get him more than ready to hit the groove.
> 
> If however he has performance anxiety for some reason he may not have the confidence to even permit her to work on him. So, it would be helpful for her to start messing with him and see what happens. If he disengages, then it si evident he needs to see a doctor and start working the problem. HE needs to get his act together ASAP! She needs to put her foot down and not let this stuff spiral out of control. For sure, the "too tired" meme is BS. That line is a woman's response when pissed.


The genders can be reversed from the norm of men being SD and women being RD. Even if it only takes 2 minutes she still has to initiate.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

AndStilliRise said:


> He's getting it from somewhere. Just not you. If he's not doing his job as a husband it's time to dump him and move on.


LOL, you have no shame, do you?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Divinely Favored said:


> Funny...in another thread if i remember...you defend the woman/blame the man when the hubby is complaining about no sex and then support the woman and to hell with the guy when the woman complains.


Yes let’s apply the male standard.
Just sit him down tell him you expect sex daily or you will divorce him. 
Whatever is holding him back is his problem to fix. 

then see a lawyer.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Anastasia6 said:


> Yes let’s apply the male standard.
> Just sit him down tell him you expect sex daily or you will divorce him.
> Whatever is holding him back is his problem to fix.
> 
> then see a lawyer.


Exactly! If it is something that can be fixed and he is choosing not to, by all means eject! He has made his choice that the spouse is not wanted or important enough to him to seek a solution. Goes both ways.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

So sorry @It'sme123 that you are going through this. It is not even close to being right. I would definitely have testosterone checked. I am 57 and due to a cyst on my pituitary glad and have not produced any testosterone at all in about 15 years and now have to take a injection of testosterone every two weeks and me and my wife have sex at least once a week and she is 55. Also he could also have ED and is embarrassed to discuss with you. You guys need to sit down and have a serious conversation but you need to be firm and let him know something has to change for you guys to remain married. Best of luck!


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> Funny...in another thread if i remember...you defend the woman/blame the man when the hubby is complaining about no sex and then support the woman and to hell with the guy when the woman complains of no sex.
> 
> Nothing unbiased about that! No...nothing at all!


Congratulations, you are exactly right. That is exactly what I did. I couldn't help but notice in the other thread 99% of the posts, nearly all males, threw out the cheating card on the wife immediately. But then I come over here and read and practically all the males are offering advice on why he might not be giving her sex but hardly anyone accuses him of cheating. You walked right into my hypocrisy trap. I'm impressed you caught it so quickly.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> LOL, you have no shame, do you?


You get me.


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