# WTF happened, and we both want to know...



## JessiTexas40s (May 28, 2011)

I have been married for 23 yrs, with him since I was 16. He was my first and only; I wasn't his but may as well have been for all he knew. For the most part I was LD and he was HD, but he had a "cut off" he actually counted, so once a week at least unless he was traveling. We have very stressful lives and pain the butt adult kids, oxymoron but so true. So about 6 months ago the hormone queen decided I needed sex at least once a day. I was thrilled, thinking hubby would be too. WRONG! How coincedental is it that now he at the exact same time doesn't want sex hardly ever, and has sone ED issues when we do??? Going to doctor route, but he is only 44. Is this normal?


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

18 year olds can do once a day, but not 44 year olds. As men get older our priorities do change slightly regarding sex. Not that we don't still want it, but wanting it every day seems to take on less importance than it did when we are younger. I'm sure you are still very attractive to him. 

I think it is comedian Ron White that has a "bit" about this. Paraphrasing...he complains about the same thing, his wife of 20-something years demanding sex every day, and he says, "Hell at my age I couldn't even f**k a different woman every day."


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## Zaphod (Jun 1, 2011)

BigToe said:


> 18 year olds can do once a day, but not 44 year olds. As men get older our priorities do change slightly regarding sex. Not that we don't still want it, but wanting it every day seems to take on less importance than it did when we are younger. I'm sure you are still very attractive to him.
> 
> I think it is comedian Ron White that has a "bit" about this. Paraphrasing...he complains about the same thing, his wife of 20-something years demanding sex every day, and he says, "Hell at my age I couldn't even f**k a different woman every day."


I don't mean any offense, but I think you're over generalizing. 40 something guys are, normally, going through a renaissance of their libido at this time, the 30's are the problem years, usually for reasons cited such as lots of work demands and newly arrived children, etc. Early-mid 40's guys are not 18 year olds, but 1 time a day shouldn't be a challenge at all. I'm 43 and I can tell you with utmost certainty that I can easily go twice a day (though given my wife's lack of any type of human sexual desire I only have Rosey Palms to vouch for the frequency), and if I'm fantasizing particularly well I can still knock out 4 times/day (though that's very unusual).

There are factors to consider here outside of age I think. Is he healthy? Was he fairly deprived sexually for a long period (think years here) and then suddenly *bam* "let's go once a day" as it sounds like (sex where the wife has a "drop dead" scheduled date is not exactly desire, if you know what I mean)? A long streak of striking out and rejection, as many guys go through in modern marriages, causes a fairly depressed mindset, even if the guy doesn't seem depressed, and frankly he wouldn't know how to handle a sudden interest from the wife (subconsciously). Even if she was forcing herself to be with him once a week, he knows it was forced. It takes time if that's the case to reacquaint him with the notion that he's once again with a sexual female, even if he had a "cut off" of once a week. A guy knows that this kind of semi-"forced" sex doesn't really mean that you/she is interested. Suddenly being interested again is a big psychological shock I'd think.

This is all speculation of course, except for the notion that 40 something guys are somehow physically 90 year old geezers that think about sex in the past tense.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I could prolly go every day. It's tough job but someone's got to do it.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Zaphod said:


> I don't mean any offense, but I think you're over generalizing.


None taken. Everyone is different and so it would be very difficult to assign a single reason for his lack of interest. I understand there are 40, 50, 60, and probably even 70 year olds who could "do it" every day. My point was that I think in an overall context, taking the entire population into account and also considering they have been married for 23 years, it is not abnormal for a man to "slow down".

JessiTexas40s did say there were some ED issues so it could be a physical thing with him rather than disinterest, however she wasn't specific as to whether he could not achieve erection or simply not carry through with the act.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

43 years old here... In my marriage, I would DIY at least once a day, if there was no sex. Which there often wasn't. 

In my current relationship, we're averaging probably 4 or 5 times a week, and I have zero desire to DIY.

Anyway... You can try dealing with the ED issues, and maybe make sure the testosterone levels are good. But the magic ED pills only help with getting an erection, not with desire to have sex. Of course, they can help with confidence too, if that's a related issue. But it seems God played a cruel trick on humans... As a woman's peak hits, a man's desire is sometimes in decline. So the whole LD/HD roles get reversed.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

ED drugs don't work for everyone.

My husband has ED and we've tried them all with little to no success.

They are NOT the magic pill for everyone.

But I have discovered that ED hits some men very hard. It goes directly to what they feel makes them a man in the first place. My husband began rejecting me and pulling away sexually when his ED got bad - even though I had no issues and worked on "other" ways for sexual fulfillment (for him and me), it still didn't make any difference - his BIG head could not get past the failure of his LITTLE head.

Sad, but true. I'm still working on it - but it's a uphill battle - all he'll say to me is - you don't understand - and he's right - I don't.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I don't understand he was HD, you had sex once a week, he had a "cut off". What? Did he want it more back then? Just curious.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

MWIL, it sure does do a number on your head. And because sex is as much mental as physical (yes, even for guys!), once the confidence goes, it's a bad downward spiral. 

Sorry the drugs didn't work for him. . In my case, they got me over a stress related down swing... Now I keep them around for special occasions! 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

For 23 years you have conditioned and trained his body to perform at a one in seven level, and you are surprised when that is the level he prefers? 

To answer your direct questions. Yes a bit of ED in the 40's is pretty common. Good Idea to see a Dr. and find out if there is a dangerous cause. And there are plenty of guys who are happy with one in seven at that age. Yours is obviously one of them. Personally I like one in two at the same age.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

I'm trying to refrain from some version of "what do you expect" given this dynamic just illustrates how unfair and frustrating sex in marriage can be for the HD spouse. 

If he has felt marginalized over the years and feels resentment to you, that could be coming out. Otherwise, I'd suggest you treat him exactly how he treated you during the years where you were turning him down. If he was respectful about it, then be respectful. If he pouted and pushed and cajolled, then fair game for you to do that.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Yep

I'm trying to refrain from some version of "what do you expect" given this dynamic just illustrates how unfair and frustrating sex in marriage can be for the HD spouse. 

If he has felt marginalized over the years and feels resentment to you, that could be coming out. Otherwise, I'd suggest you treat him exactly how he treated you during the years where you were turning him down. If he was respectful about it, then be respectful. If he pouted and pushed and cajolled, then fair game for you to do that.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

seeking sanity said:


> I'm trying to refrain from some version of "what do you expect" given this dynamic just illustrates how unfair and frustrating sex in marriage can be for the HD spouse.
> 
> If he has felt marginalized over the years and feels resentment to you, that could be coming out. Otherwise, I'd suggest you treat him exactly how he treated you during the years where you were turning him down. If he was respectful about it, then be respectful. If he pouted and pushed and cajolled, then fair game for you to do that.


I would respectfully have to disagree with some of this. There is just as much unfairness and frustration for the LD spouse. I know that from first-hand experience.

However, I believe in taking the higher road - be respectful at all times. Don't be pouty, pushy, and cajolling even if he was like that in the past. If he was that way with you in the past, it likely didn't do anything to help you feel better about yourself and marriage.

One problem I could see a HD spouse who is now turned into the LD spouse having, is wondering whether this would just be a temporary aberration. While some might gladly take advantage of the new situation, many would feel a bit out of kilter and wouldn't want to get their hopes up too high. And if you have what I call a "man's" man, he might even feel a bit turned off by it all.


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## JessiTexas40s (May 28, 2011)

Thank you all for your frank and honest replies. To address those who considered the fact that I said I gave in once a week may have been with some prejudice, most of the time it was more than that and I did what I had to do to get turned on and into it with him, I'm no martyr. I am being very kind to him during this downspell. But I will admit to feeling a bit hurt, I share this with him and he admits he worries I will go out and find some other guy to bang one out. Told him with a smile to just keep buying me AA batteries and we would make it thru this. So now just a waiting game and hope there is nothing major wrong health wise and get the go ahead to try something blue lol


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