# Double Tragedy - need advice



## lovelieswithin

Hi Everyone - Little long sorry...
So this last December my husband and I got a call at 3am that his Dad suffered a massive heart attack. My husband rushed to his hometown but his Dad died at the age of 54 and they hadn't spoke in 2 months grudging one another. My husband then found a nasty email from his Dad saying wrong and hurtful things leaving my husband heart broken. We work a lot and weren't always available for functions leaving the family being resentful instead of understanding. AND all the while my father-in-law had heart disease 2 years and didn't tell a soul including his wife of 30 years. Some time passed and my husband latched onto my Dad somewhat and he offered my husband love & support throughout.THEN it happened... we got a call at 4am on Sept 24th last month - my Dads gfriend found my Dad dead on the couch at the age of 50 from a heart attack. =( We again found out more secrets that MY Dad had Angina and hardened veins for 5 years and didn't tell a soul. 
My husband and I are shattered... and left in shock that this happened - a double tragedy within 9 months! Were both 28 and been married 2.5 years with no children yet. So horrible to go through this so early in our marriage & hoping it endures... I need suggestions and advice on holding this together - I fear one or both of us could slip into depression! Anybody experience something similar? any good outcomes? thanks in advance all and please make every single day count!
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## BUSYBEES

Wow they were young <====pointing out the obviouse. You have each other. 

Sorry my mom is sick with heart trouble and who knows maybe I might be too. My sister passed away from a heart condition I slipped into depression, hard to get up in the morning, all I wanted to do was sleep sleep sleep nothing seemed to make me happy my mom said I looked dead inside. I was. 

So I focused more on my goals and my son and slowly recovered. It's sad because my family wasn't very supportive my living sister would ask why I was crying so did my dad they just show emotions in other ways my other sister alienated herself from the family and my mother well she just wasn't very comforting. We all dealt with it diffrently. At the time I was also seeing someone who left me and that was like another loss. I found comfort in believing that God had plans for me. That made me a stronger person.


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## lovelieswithin

BUSYBEES said:


> Wow they were young <====pointing out the obviouse. You have each other.
> 
> Sorry my mom is sick with heart trouble and who knows maybe I might be too. My sister passed away from a heart condition I slipped into depression, hard to get up in the morning, all I wanted to do was sleep sleep sleep nothing seemed to make me happy my mom said I looked dead inside. I was.
> 
> So I focused more on my goals and my son and slowly recovered. It's sad because my family wasn't very supportive my living sister would ask why I was crying so did my dad they just show emotions in other ways my other sister alienated herself from the family and my mother well she just wasn't very comforting. We all dealt with it diffrently. At the time I was also seeing someone who left me and that was like another loss. I found comfort in believing that God had plans for me. That made me a stronger person.


thank you I found your words encouraging =) im sorry for your loss as well. Please take care of yourself! my husband goes for ekgs and eats healthier now - hopefully it prevents what happened to our Dads. Both Dads ate terribly smoked and drank... I think they would be alive if they didn't ignore the signs they had of their heart attacks so familiarize yourself and don't be stubborn - may save your life! thanks again for your sharing & words...
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## misspuppy

hubby and i had only been married since March of 2002, and then from Dec of 2004 to January of 2007 we had this happen

My mom's Grandma died Dec 31st 2004 of natural old age causes.. we got the call from my mom that night. she lived in the southern part of town, so we could not attend.
Then April 18 2005 My one and only Sister died in a tragic car accident ( girlfriend survived a 75 foot roll over). it was a no fault accident, just over corrected and she died. very tragic she was only 28.. Then in July of that same year My aunt passed away due to complications of a tractor accident ( somehow the accident punctured her lung causing internal bleeding. Then my mom's birth mom passed away sometime in August 2005, natural causes. then my grandmother (dads side) feel ill late 2005 and passed away January 2007, the SAME day we were at her funeral, My mom called and told me her bio father had just passed away .. So, those few years we not the best. Out of all of them, i was only able to attend 2 ( my sisters and my grandpa on my mom's side). 

The way we handled it was just one day at a time, sadly because how close all the deaths were, it was hard, because we did not able to recover and mourn before someone else passed on. Our faith and love held us together and we just delt with the feelings as they came. its hard to loose loved ones no doubt, do not let anyone tell you to "just get over it" you never really do!

My son had to go thru this as well and he was young, we just let him go thru the emotions and allowed all of us to feel for each one. to this day it is hard to deal with them each.. but, take your time and mourn for EACH person as long as it takes... 

We always talk about each one and remember the good times and make jokes about them, NOT RUDE Ones, just things that "well, they are probably in Heaven living it up" kind of thing... i was told that i had "displacement disorder" because of all this, because, everyone who had passed on was on my side. my hubby just allowed me the time to mourn for them, and take my time to deal with each emotion, it is hard, and i will not lie, it DOES NOT GET BETTER over time. 

BTW we have been married now almost 9 yrs (this march), and i thank my lucky stars for him in my life


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## 827Aug

So sorry you and your husband are going through some tough times. Just remember you have each other. I have been though some tough times over the past five years. And things aren't getting any better. However, I rely on faith to keep me going. I guess it works because I'm not depressed yet; I've essentially lost almost everything.

I had a near death experience last year, so I now see death from a new perspective. It was so peaceful--I honestly didn't want to come back. I've lost a couple of family members since that time. While everyone was around sobbing, I had a hard time shedding a tear. Sure I miss them, but at the same time I know they are in a better place.

I hope this helps.


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## Teach Me

I am so so sorry you both had to endure this, my deepest, deepest condolences to each of you...
Reading your post gave me the strong indication you both are very compassionate. Believe it or not, when things like this happen sooner in life, it makes you so much stronger to deal with things that happen later in life when so many others don't know what to do...
This makes you appreciate what you have left, thus making what you have left more stronger than before... Your husband is your family, and he didn't die, neither did you...
Depression happens to just about everyone, no matter the circumstances, the main goal is to be sure to reach out to others close to you both..Grieve together, get counseling if you must, talk it out, cry, write it down, burn it!
Confront it, deal with it, it will get better...

Take as much time as you both need to deal with this, the pain of loss will always be with you, but you both can use it as a tool rather than a dagger.... With each other, you can become strong, sharing everything, each others pains, sorrows, in the long run you will both overcome! 
If you believe in God, then reach out to him!
I have been married for 18 years, I have seen so much loss over the years, parents, grandparents, friends, it made us stronger than ever before! 
Talk it out, cry it out, write it out, reach out, but do it together! 
God Bless you!


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## Teach Me

I also forgot to mention, if you need happy pills like anti depressants, then use them, they can help...


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## lovelieswithin

wonderful insight everyone - I can't thank you enough. I've taken many of your suggestions and thoughts to heart and know they brought me comfort!
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## Michelle S.

lovelieswithin said:


> wonderful insight everyone - I can't thank you enough. I've taken many of your suggestions and thoughts to heart and know they brought me comfort!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My condolences to each and everyone of you going through this. As a society we are so fearful of dying. We don't talk about it even if we are close to our loved ones. We are in denial that each of us are going to experience losses due to the death and I do agree encountering this experience earlier makes you confront your own mortality as well. There are free grief support groups offered online and through hospices around your area. Three key factors that help you with grief are time, leaning into your grief what we call grief work and faith. Grief counseling can help each of you learn how grief affects you and how to support one another. Best of luck to you. 
Sincerely
Michelle S
Registered Marriage and Family Therapist Intern
Bereavement counselor
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