# The P Word



## _alice_ (Apr 19, 2011)

I'm here because I need... reassurance, I guess. It might be a little TMI, I'm not sure. I'm not trying to be graphic or anything.

My husband and I are 25 years old. Yesterday I discovered a couple of porn sites on his PSP (the handheld gaming device). He did a google search for "free teen a**", and a few years ago I had found a search for "hot teen a**" on his phone. 

I want to explain that I understand a man's natural desire for the fantasy that porn illustrates. I understand that having the internet and porn so readily available online doesn't help resist urges, especially if you get a little private time. While I'm not the most secure or confident person, and I am a little hurt by the idea of my husband looking at this sort of thing because of my own issues with _myself_, I'm not unreasonable. I know men are visual creatures. But I found this disturbing, especially the fact that "teen" was a factor. I mean, we have a five year old daughter. 

We have a healthy sex life, having sex roughly once a day, sometimes more. I've always had a really good appetite for sex with him, even after having two children. I don't think either of us are unhappy in this department. He tells me he's not. So of course I don't understand why he'd want to look this up, and I'm the type of person who is extemely bothered if I don't understand something. 

I talked to him about it. He has a hard time expressing his feelings, but I eventually got him to explain. He apologized, told me all he did was look, and said that it had nothing to do with me, that is was because of his own feelings of inadequacy. He's been cheated on in the past and thinks it's because of his size. He thinks he doesn't please me because I don't... scream or whatever during sex. I've always been a quiet person, and even if I've wanted to make "porn star" sounds, I haven't, because I kind of find it silly. He said he looked because he wants to be like that, he wants to make me do that. I asked "Why teen?" and he said he doesn't know, that he knows it's disgusting, but he guesses it's because the guys aren't old and gross. They're more like what he wants to be.

My husband is a good person, and I think he is being genuine when he tells me this, but I'm struggling with insecurity here, and I feel like that's getting in the way of my trust. The things he looked at don't look like something a person would look at if they're dealing with feeling inadequate. They looked like... well, just _porn_. Any input or opinions are welcome.


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

Just some points on your post:

First, if you guys were having sex once a month and you were holding back and not being there for him in various sexual ways, I'd understand why he would look at porn. But thats not the case.

Second, just because he is searching for 'teen' doesn't mean he is a petafile. I know that is extreme but searching for 'teen' probably filters out the older crowd. Lets face it, he's 25. 6 years ago he was a teen himself. I may be stretching this argument but I'll throw it out there.

Third, has he been with anyone before you? You guys are 25, married with a 5 year old. Maybe he misses not having dated and the fun associated with it. Maybe he never got it out of his system before settling down at 20.

Thoughts?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Hurra said:


> Second, just because he is searching for 'teen' doesn't mean he is a petafile. I know that is extreme but searching for 'teen' probably filters out the older crowd. Lets face it, he's 25. 6 years ago he was a teen himself. I may be stretching this argument but I'll throw it out there.


:iagree: 

I dont think the teen search is too alarming. i think its great that you guys are talking about it and that he's opening up to you.


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## _alice_ (Apr 19, 2011)

Hurra said:


> Just some points on your post:
> 
> First, if you guys were having sex once a month and you were holding back and not being there for him in various sexual ways, I'd understand why he would look at porn. But thats not the case.
> 
> ...


Yeah, I agree with the first and second points too, and I guess the first point is the reason I'm so confused. I guess having children makes me feel older than I am, and the word teen just seems odd to me, even though, like you said, we were teens not too long ago. At least it wasn't teen boys, right? Lol.

As far as the third point, he was with a few people before me, engaged to one for a while. I actually did wonder about this myself and asked him if maybe that's the case. He tells me he doesn't miss his single life at all, and that really before he met me he felt like something was missing from his life and I filled that spot.

Blanca, I agree with you too. We have pretty good communication.

I guess it's just my own insecurities making me feel weird about this. I should feel lucky that I have a man who will admit to his faults and talk to me about them, and it's not like he's addicted to porn or anything, or that it's affecting our sex life. I mean, looking at it once or twice every few years is nothing to a man, right? His reasons for this seemed genuine, and I'm going to honor that. And maybe I'll start trying harder to make him feel like the man he doesn't think he is. I tell him all the time that he's amazing, but I'll _show_ him more often. 

Thank you guys for your input! It really helped


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

i think porn gives SOME men the wrong idea of how things are in real life. i have never had a screamer myself. imo it is a total distraction and a little whimpering is good. it tells me it is being enjoyed without sounding fake like a porn movie.

i really dont understand why he is feeling the need for porn with the whole "We have a healthy sex life, having sex roughly once a day, sometimes more". that almost sounds like its moving into the addiction direction.

i dont think i would worry about the "teen" part as much as the feeling the need to look at porn part with all the real action he is getting.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Alice - you are both 25, you have a 5 yr old and you have sex once (maybe more) a day and you seemingly have a good all round marriage.
First let me say how lucky you are! Even if you didn't have a child (which takes up lots of your time) you have a sex life that most men AND women on TAM can only dream of!

Porn....as some other posters on here have already mentioned, you guys are barely out of your teens (oh to be 25 again...!)...you are in the prime of your lives! Your husband does not appear to be a paedophile....he just likes 18yr+ old cute butts!
It does not appear to be affecting your sex life.

However harmless it may be, if YOU don't like it then he really shouldn't indulge. 
In view of the fact that your husband wants for nothing in teh sex field with you, I think telling him you don't approve is fair and reasonable.

If you were the sort of wife who only very kindly allowed him to have sex with you once a month...then my response would be totally different!

It seems as if you almost have a perfect marriage...keep it that way!
And Happy Easter to the three of you!!


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## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

I dont think its anything to do with you.

Sometimes men just want to watch some porn, now why teen?
Simple would you look at a 30 year old women strapped for cash or an 18 year olds. Not saying the 30 looks bad .... just give the choice ... thats all.


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## thebobby (Apr 21, 2011)

I have been on the other side of this. I was the guy that looked at porn, a lot. I was in my early twenty's and thought it was harmless. It was not harmless for my marriage and is certainly NOT harmless to you, if it causes you enough pain to write a post. I also looked up "teen" porn, it edits out the older crowd. I also apologized to my wife, said i was "just looking", blamed it on past relationships, pointed out so called "wants and needs" that weren't being fulfilled, etc...
In the end, I looked at porn because i had been doing it for years, in my mind it was not a big deal, in my circle of friends it was accepted, and because i was hopelessly addicted.
From the sounds of it, you 2 have a strong marriage. Hopefully this was a one time deal... If not, just always remember that it's not about you, or his love for you. (It sounds like he loves you very much)
Don't know if that helps...wish you 2 the best!


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## _alice_ (Apr 19, 2011)

Thank you all so much for the advice and kind words, this has really helped a lot.

Even though we talk a lot, my husband and I have been talking a lot more the past few days because of this. We've realized that we'd both kind of been struggling separately with our own insecurities, and because of that, we hadn't been spending enough time making eachother feel special. 

In all honesty, if he hadn't looked at porn that day, I never would've realized how much he's been battling with himself.

We've talked about the porn issue as well, and I explained to him that even though I understand that men look at it just to look at it sometimes, it didn't make me comfortable. He told me he'd spend the rest of his life making it up to me. I also offered for us to make our own videos, and he got extremely excited about that, so we did. For seven hours, haha. I'd say we're done with this little crisis for now  

Again, thank you all for the warm wishes, and I wish you all the same


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

To be very boring and technical about it, a true pedophile would have no interest in a teen. Each has their own little age preference, but always prepubescent. Their victims, sadly, tend to be much younger than anything he'd find on a video advertising the product as "teen". I'm not sure why some guys get into these "teen" fantasies. I suspect it's because that's closest to the ages of their first real sexual fantasies. Whatever else he could be, he's not a "pedophile".


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