# I dont want him touching me



## Amy6789 (9 mo ago)

Mental abuse is real. I have not been happy in my marriage for a year now. I don't like kissing him or having sex anymore and when we do I feel depressed and like **** afterwards. It really disgust me that he still tries to have sex when I clearly don't want to. For the past weeks I've been sleeping on the couch and him in our room. For months I've been telling this man I'm not happy. All he cares about is sex I don't even feel like he knows my love language. When he touch me I cringe. He called me physcho this morning because I wouldn't have sex with him. Like I'm just so over it and so happy I'm getting the strength to finally get away from him. I'm tired of crying and damaging myself. It's crazy how men treat women with no respect if I say no that means no just because I'm your wife for the moment doesn't mean I owe u sex or obligated to do so. This man truly honestly don't like me that's how I feel because anytime I want to state opinion I get talked over. He doesn't understand and I'm just ready to be happy.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yeah, he’s right.


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## Rayr44 (6 mo ago)

Have you communicated with him on how you feel and what has led to this situation?


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

After my divorce I had sex with my Ex several times. At first it was enjoyable for her. You could see after a while though that she was becoming disconnected. She communicated as much, and it stopped. Any man who doesn't stop, especially when its clear it is unwanted, should see the inside of a jail cell. That is a bully, and isn't worthy of being loved or in a marriage.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

How often do you say yes to sex? Ever?

Edited because I just read your prior posts and all you talk about is divorce. What have you done towards that end? Hire and attorney and file.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Amy6789 said:


> Mental abuse is real. I have not been happy in my marriage for a year now. I don't like kissing him or having sex anymore and when we do I feel depressed and like **** afterwards. It really disgust me that he still tries to have sex when I clearly don't want to. For the past weeks I've been sleeping on the couch and him in our room. For months I've been telling this man I'm not happy. All he cares about is sex I don't even feel like he knows my love language. When he touch me I cringe. He called me physcho this morning because I wouldn't have sex with him. Like I'm just so over it and so happy I'm getting the strength to finally get away from him. I'm tired of crying and damaging myself. It's crazy how men treat women with no respect if I say no that means no just because I'm your wife for the moment doesn't mean I owe u sex or obligated to do so. This man truly honestly don't like me that's how I feel because anytime I want to state opinion I get talked over. He doesn't understand and I'm just ready to be happy.


If this marriage is not working out for you then you know what to do (i.e. leave him).

Denying husband sex does not create a good relationship dynamic and marriage by extension.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

While nobody should force sex on their spouse, withholding sex in a marriage is wrong.

it sounds like you don’t love him…actually that you despise him. And he obvously doesn’t respect you.

Why did you marry each other in the first place?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Amy6789 said:


> Mental abuse is real. I have not been happy in my marriage for a year now. I don't like kissing him or having sex anymore and when we do I feel depressed and like **** afterwards. It really disgust me that he still tries to have sex when I clearly don't want to. For the past weeks I've been sleeping on the couch and him in our room. For months I've been telling this man I'm not happy. All he cares about is sex I don't even feel like he knows my love language. When he touch me I cringe. He called me physcho this morning because I wouldn't have sex with him. Like I'm just so over it and so happy I'm getting the strength to finally get away from him. I'm tired of crying and damaging myself. It's crazy how men treat women with no respect if I say no that means no just because I'm your wife for the moment doesn't mean I owe u sex or obligated to do so. This man truly honestly don't like me that's how I feel because anytime I want to state opinion I get talked over. He doesn't understand and I'm just ready to be happy.


Yeah. Just because someone has sex with you doesn't mean they like you as a person. They are in love with sex.


You are past the point of wanting to be in this relationship so you need to get out. You didn't really give any details but if you're married get an attorney and get out. If you're not just move out. It's over.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

*You* have a choice. The only thing keeping you where you are is yourself.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Why are you still there? 

Is he forcing sex on you or are you giving in? If he forces you, that's rape even if married. Call the police.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Men need to have sex to feel loved. Women need to feel loved to have sex. 

Clearly you two are not compatible so it's time to walk away. Nothing will fix this.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

theloveofmylife said:


> Is he forcing sex on you or are you giving in? If he forces you, that's rape even if married. Call the police.


This. Marriage does not in fact entitle him to your body. And if he’s belittling you like you say then he doesn’t want sex to “feel loved.” He wants to humiliate you and use you. Get out. Please.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

You should seek some legal advice and explore leaving. Abusers rarely change. If he’s mentally abusing you, I don’t blame you for not wanting sex.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

Amy6789 said:


> It's crazy how men treat women with no respect if I say no that means no just because I'm your wife for the moment doesn't mean I owe u sex or obligated to do so.


No. It is crazy if a woman or man stays with a person they feel about like this.
It isn't an issue about men or women. It is you and your choices. Don't make it a 'I am a woman and victim of men' thingy. It is your personal problem. Not all men are like this. 

Him calling you a psycho shows that you picked a sick person to be with. Hence, it is understandable you are discusted by him. But the really sick thing is you are still with him. 

At the beginning you might have been blinded by your emotions, but now your instinct tells you to stay away from this peeson.
So, what do you expect people to do for you?
Find a way to be with him although you're not happy?
Despite he calls you psycho for not wanting him close to him?

A healthy person would react differently to rejection. Your guy is clearly not healthy according to his reaction. You have all the reasons for feeling not to be touched by him from what I see.
What a disgusting guy is that you picked???

But stilll you want to stay or you want him to change or what do you want people to advice you to do for you they can't???

Leave.

Maybe your hormones changed and you're one of those women who loses interest in sex. But it isn't a ' why men want to touch their wifes problem'. If you're in a relationship ypu have to expect to be with someone who wants to touch you.
Are you asexual? Have you been from the beginning? 
If not, then leave him, but don't conplain if you entered a relationship under the condition to conduct sexuality. 

If you changed your mind about having sex, then you have to leave a partner who wants to still have sexuality. If he calls you psycho... well then leave. 
I have seen so many cases of women turning into selfish asexual beings playing victim. It isn't a good sign about personality. But calling a psrtner psycho isn't either.
Seperate, you two.

You're done qith each other foe whatever reason. Nothing to safe here.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Do you have a job?
A car?
A phone?

OP, complain how awful he WAS to you after you’ve left.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Amy6789 said:


> Mental abuse is real. I have not been happy in my marriage for a year now. I don't like kissing him or having sex anymore and when we do I feel depressed and like **** afterwards. It really disgust me that he still tries to have sex when I clearly don't want to. For the past weeks I've been sleeping on the couch and him in our room. For months I've been telling this man I'm not happy. All he cares about is sex I don't even feel like he knows my love language. When he touch me I cringe. He called me physcho this morning because I wouldn't have sex with him. Like I'm just so over it and so happy I'm getting the strength to finally get away from him. I'm tired of crying and damaging myself. It's crazy how men treat women with no respect if I say no that means no just because I'm your wife for the moment doesn't mean I owe u sex or obligated to do so. This man truly honestly don't like me that's how I feel because anytime I want to state opinion I get talked over. He doesn't understand and I'm just ready to be happy.


This was the last year of my marriage. It disguised me how little my husband cared for my emotional well being. As long as he was still getting a piece of tail from me he was fine with how things were.

I was sleeping in another bedroom, waiting for his head to get out of his ass, but that didn’t happened. He’d come in and get pissed when I was like no sir, you literally just screamed at me and called me names and you smell like liquor and it’s not happening. Now I never said no before, so he was pretty upset. There after I just stopped initiating entirely because I was so disgusted with his treatment of me.

A few weeks later he came into the living room one morning early, I was up because I was up with our son. I was the only one who ever got up with him, I never got to sleep in. Anyway, it had been probably about a week since he’d gotten any and he walked up to me, gesturing toward his junk and asked me in the most exasperated tone “can you please take care of this.” I couldn’t believe he said that to me and I said excuse me? He got mad and hugged off.. I got up and followed him knowing it would just be hell for me if I didn’t and I did what we wanted. He left me there on my knees to clean himself up.

Thats when I knew he wasn’t going to change. It wasn’t three weeks later and he killed himself.
Consider yourself lucky you recognize you need to get out. If there is no sincere bones in his body to change and accommodate his spouse, it’s just time. I’m sorry you’re going through that because I know how you feel.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Yes, mental/emotional abuse is very real! For your husband to call you a psycho for not wanting sex? Yikes! No one deserves that kind of treatment. He sounds bitter and controlling. What are you going to do from this point? Are you ready to leave? Do you feel there is anything salvageable left in the relationship? 

Here is an analogy I made to my ex (married 24 years)..... imagine a bank account with normal deposits and withdrawals that keep the account in balance. Deposits keeps the account flourishing but too many withdrawals will make the account go bankrupt. What are the deposits you are each making and what are the withdrawals? He has to understand what you need from him. Women and men both need emotional support. Generally though, women need security in the sense that we have to know this man is there to protect us. When they are the one tearing us down the security goes away and we feel abandoned emotionally, we feel unwanted and unloved. This is withdrawal that will leave the account bankrupt. There is no way you can feel loving towards a man who does not have your back. You lose respect for someone like this. So having sex with someone who is tearing you down is like having sex with a stranger. You are not close emotionally, he is not being sensitive to your needs outside of the bedroom yet expecting service (or what eventually seems as service) inside the bedroom. 

This does not change unfortunately. Few men can truly understand it. Their brain is not wired to think this way. They know how they feel, they know what their buddies brag and joke about and they all think women do not like sex. They are simply not listening. They are focused on their needs and their desires.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Unfortunately, OP has a history of venting every few weeks but not returning to her threads to answer questions. Being in limbo is the absolute worst feeling in life. I hope she can see her way through this mess.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

RebuildingMe said:


> Unfortunately, OP has a history of venting every few weeks but not returning to her threads to answer questions. Being in limbo is the absolute worst feeling in life. I hope she can see her way through this mess.


I am kind of bad about the same, just do not have the time. Sometimes venting and reading responses do help give us clarity even if we do not respond.
Is your profile pic Chichen Itza in Mexico?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

AVR1962 said:


> I am kind of bad about the same, just do not have the time. Sometimes venting and reading responses do help give us clarity even if we do not respond.
> Is your profile pic Chichen Itza in Mexico?


Yes it is. Went there in 2018.


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## Amy6789 (9 mo ago)

AVR1962 said:


> Yes, mental/emotional abuse is very real! For your husband to call you a psycho for not wanting sex? Yikes! No one deserves that kind of treatment. He sounds bitter and controlling. What are you going to do from this point? Are you ready to leave? Do you feel there is anything salvageable left in the relationship?
> 
> Here is an analogy I made to my ex (married 24 years)..... imagine a bank account with normal deposits and withdrawals that keep the account in balance. Deposits keeps the account flourishing but too many withdrawals will make the account go bankrupt. What are the deposits you are each making and what are the withdrawals? He has to understand what you need from him. Women and men both need emotional support. Generally though, women need security in the sense that we have to know this man is there to protect us. When they are the one tearing us down the security goes away and we feel abandoned emotionally, we feel unwanted and unloved. This is withdrawal that will leave the account bankrupt. There is no way you can feel loving towards a man who does not have your back. You lose respect for someone like this. So having sex with someone who is tearing you down is like having sex with a stranger. You are not close emotionally, he is not being sensitive to your needs outside of the bedroom yet expecting service (or what eventually seems as service) inside the bedroom.
> 
> This does not change unfortunately. Few men can truly understand it. Their brain is not wired to think this way. They know how they feel, they know what their buddies brag and joke about and they all think women do not like sex. They are simply not listening. They are focused on their needs and their desires.


This right here really explains it all and is exactly how I feel. Yes, he feel like a complete stranger to me at this point. No I have not always been this way, I'm usually pretty good at keeping him satisfied in the bed. But now it has gotten to the point were if I give in I feel depressed because of the way I've been treated by him. The serial favors I give to him I never receive in return so it was always about satisfying him. It done been times I gave in and moments later was treated and talked to like I was nothing. All that makes me feel vulnerable as a woman, I don't feel feminine anymore.


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## Amy6789 (9 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> Unfortunately, OP has a history of venting every few weeks but not returning to her threads to answer questions. Being in limbo is the absolute worst feeling in life. I hope she can see her way through this mess.


I'm actually is trying to find my way put this mess. I'm in a very dark place, and it's hard to get out. I literally have no family support or anyone else to talk to.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Evinrude58 said:


> Yeah, he’s right.





Rayr44 said:


> Have you communicated with him on how you feel and what has led to this situation?


I just read her previous threads. She's married to a physically violent man who won't get a job. He's an abusive man. She's been supporting him and their children since they married in 2019. From what she's told us, her husband is in the wrong, and she needs to get away from him. She should not have any more sex with him to ensure that she does not get pregnant again and because he's a violent abuser and a lousy husband.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Rayr44 said:


> Have you communicated with him on how you feel and what has led to this situation?


Communicating with anything except what they want to hear is dangerous with violent aholes.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Amy6789 said:


> This right here really explains it all and is exactly how I feel. Yes, he feel like a complete stranger to me at this point. No I have not always been this way, I'm usually pretty good at keeping him satisfied in the bed. But now it has gotten to the point were if I give in I feel depressed because of the way I've been treated by him. The serial favors I give to him I never receive in return so it was always about satisfying him. It done been times I gave in and moments later was treated and talked to like I was nothing. All that makes me feel vulnerable as a woman, I don't feel feminine anymore.


You feel used, you feel like an object, a sperm receptacle, you feel your husband does not care but yet you question your own feelings and feel obligated to him. Is this correct? Do not question your feelings. It is normal to have these feelings. Why have to chosen to stay at this point? Do you feel he will return to the person you knew and feel in love with? Are you focusing on his good side? Do you fear your ability to support yourself financially?

What can you do to move forward? Are you still wanting to save your marriage? Can you afford to see a counselor? One thing I can tell you is that the longer you stay in an emotionally abusive relationship the harder it is to get out. Your self-esteem goes into the toilet which is many times exactly what the abuser wants as this gives him control.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Amy6789 said:


> I'm actually is trying to find my way put this mess. I'm in a very dark place, and it's hard to get out. I literally have no family support or anyone else to talk to.


You need an attorney to talk to. I assume you have no assets such as a house that will need to be sold to pay for an attorney. But you still need to get divorce papers started some way and separate finances once you know what's allowed so you can save up. Get two jobs and just move out if you want to. I mean, he has no more money than you since he's not working. Take half of what you have and leave and keep a log of everything. But if he has no money, he also isn't going to be hiring an attorney. So just get out and work two jobs. Look up where you live on google and research if you have to separate prior to divorce and then separate either way, but maybe it will tell you how to file papers on that to get it started . Most attorneys would give you a consultation, though. Because people visit more than one to decide which one to use. 

Do you have a women's shelter in your area? They can advise you on how to move things along and sometimes house you temporarily. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline and ask if they know of resources in your area and get advice from them:
800-799-7233 

Your support is you. Only way to get out is to leave. If it were me, I might sock some money away and not spend any more on him. Make beans and rice for a month and hide some money you save from groceries. But you need two jobs. You might have to sleep in your car some or camp out, but do it where you can still get to work. 

If you have a nice boss or manager, you might let them know you are trying to escape domestic violence in case they have any advice or help to offer. Maybe one of them knows an attorney who would help you a little to get you started.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Amy6789 said:


> I'm actually is trying to find my way put this mess. I'm in a very dark place, and it's hard to get out. I literally have no family support or anyone else to talk to.


Some of the replies you are getting on this thread are not overly helpful because people did not go back and read your other threads/posts. It's normal for people to respond to the opening post on a thread and not go back and do the work to read the rest of the story. I did read your other threads.

You are married to a violent, abusive man. 

From what you said you have no extended family or any friends, Is that right?

You need to get away from him and get a divorce. If you have no support system, find a local organization that helps/counsels victims of domestic abuse. Go talk to a counselor there. They will help you figure out how to leave and how to do it safely. Here's a link to a national hotline that can help you find an organization in your area: * The US National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support*

You can also post here on TAM and we can be a support system for you. That's what we are here for. You keep posting ever couple of months and then not replying in the threads you post. If you want support and help, you need to be engaged in your threads and talk to us. I hope you do stay around and let us help you.

You mention in one of your other threads that the house you own is in his name only. That's ok because technically, by being married to him you are a joint owner of the house.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

RebuildingMe said:


> Yes it is. Went there in 2018.


Awesome! I was just recently in Cancun and visited the ruins in Tulum


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## Amy6789 (9 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Communicating with anything except what they want to hear is dangerous with violent aholes.


Exactly, anytime I state my opinion I'm instantly judged, or I'm being fake. It starts a whole argument anytime I say how I feel. Even when crying or upset, I'm called a cry baby I'm so sensitive I need to grow up. He mentioned marriage therapy this morning out the blue and I'm really scared to tell him I don't want to because he has gotten me to the point where I no loner care about our marriage.


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## Amy6789 (9 mo ago)

AVR1962 said:


> You feel used, you feel like an object, a sperm receptacle, you feel your husband does not care but yet you question your own feelings and feel obligated to him. Is this correct? Do not question your feelings. It is normal to have these feelings. Why have to chosen to stay at this point? Do you feel he will return to the person you knew and feel in love with? Are you focusing on his good side? Do you fear your ability to support yourself financially?
> 
> What can you do to move forward? Are you still wanting to save your marriage? Can you afford to see a counselor? One thing I can tell you is that the longer you stay in an emotionally abusive relationship the harder it is to get out. Your self-esteem goes into the toilet which is many times exactly what the abuser wants as this gives him control.


Yes, all of that us correct. Sometimes apart of me thinks maybe some day he will change. Another part of me is fraud to move on with my life alone, and again I want to be alone with a peace of mind and happiness finally. I admit I do need counseling as well. I'm afraid of my children being effected by a divorce but I realize that it's actually worst staying then leaving. I have mental issues I struggle from bipolar depression I'm currently off my meds so I'm in my head alot and I'm in different moods. I just want to get to a point of mental stability. Yes I have my own vehicle, I have a job I'm working 2 at this point, I've been saving and my plan was to get out by next year. I want it to be a easy transition for my kids.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Amy6789 said:


> Yes, all of that us correct. Sometimes apart of me thinks maybe some day he will change. Another part of me is fraud to move on with my life alone, and again I want to be alone with a peace of mind and happiness finally. I admit I do need counseling as well. I'm afraid of my children being effected by a divorce but I realize that it's actually worst staying then leaving. I have mental issues I struggle from bipolar depression I'm currently off my meds so I'm in my head alot and I'm in different moods. I just want to get to a point of mental stability. Yes I have my own vehicle, I have a job I'm working 2 at this point, I've been saving and my plan was to get out by next year. I want it to be a easy transition for my kids.


Amy, sounds like you have put a great deal of thought into all of this and you are making progress. To have concerns as to how a divorce will affect your children is very understandable and you are correct, it is worse for you to stay and continue to expose your children to what you have endured as they see the behavior and they are learning from you both....good or bad. When I finally left my husband after 24 years our daughter was in college, still living at home but ready to move to a different state. I could not see myself empty-nesting with tis man, her father. So when she told me she wanted to go away for college I asked if we could do it together. I told her I was leaving her dad, he did not even know at that point. Her response, "it is about time mom." She loves her dad but she knew what was going on, she saw it all. Sometimes we feel we are protecting our children from hurt by staying in these situations but we really are not. 

You have is! Continue to put one foot in front of the other. When you finally walk out of that door for good you will have that peace you so greatly deserve. No more will you have to deal with his belittling of you. I was told I wore my heart on my shirt sleeve......I could go on and on. This is a fantastic group with lots of experience. It was through this group I was able to make steps to my own freedom. Stay with us and don't be afraid.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Amy6789 said:


> Exactly, anytime I state my opinion I'm instantly judged, or I'm being fake. It starts a whole argument anytime I say how I feel. Even when crying or upset, I'm called a cry baby I'm so sensitive I need to grow up. He mentioned marriage therapy this morning out the blue and I'm really scared to tell him I don't want to because he has gotten me to the point where I no loner care about our marriage.


He's gaslighting and just being abusive. Well, if you're sure it's done, then just concentrate on getting out. I'm surprised he brought up therapy. Probably thinks he could snow the therapist.


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## Rayr44 (6 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> I just read her previous threads. She's married to a physically violent man who won't get a job. He's an abusive man. She's been supporting him and their children since they married in 2019. From what she's told us, her husband is in the wrong, and she needs to get away from him. She should not have any more sex with him to ensure that she does not get pregnant again and because he's a violent abuser and a lousy husband.


That is not good. I would suggest you get the cops involved as soon as possible. Violence is not okay. Especially when a grown man is violent with women or children! It’s not okay and there are no excuses for those behaviours.


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