# Mutual friends



## Welshlady (Jun 21, 2013)

My husband and I have been through some difficulties. During this time my husband had an affair.

I am committed to my marriage, working through our difficulties and learning to trust him again.

I believe my husband that he too is equally committed.

My issue I have is that various people knew of my husbands affair. One of whom was a lady my husband chose to have as his "best woman" rather than a best man.

I can deal with people simply knowing and appreciate that it would have been very hard for them to tell me what was going on.

What I cannot deal with is that our "best woman" went lots further than this and did things with the pair of them and entertained them at her home. 

I have asked my husband that we ditch friends who do not support the marriage. He is struggling with this as the history between them goes back a long way.

I feel hurt and betrayed by this woman whom not only did not tell me what was going on (despite having felt the pain of infidelity herself) but condoned the affair and entertained the pair of them.

I don't want her to have any part of our lives. I have no respect or trust for her and I truly want us to be around people who are there for both of us.

My insecurity is that I fear I may be being unreasonable. It is causing tension between my husband and I. I would really like his agreement on this matter and feel so strongly about it that I'd rather part amicably than have to be friendly and spend time with this woman.....

Am I being over the top in my request.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Welshlady,

You are absolutely not being over the top in your request. 

Your husband's friend is really vile. She enabled his affair, probably encouraged it too. Her relationship with YOUR husband is inappropriate. It needs to end. She stabbed you in the back. Hopefully your husband sees it that way.

I don't think you are being insecure at all, I may think you are being a little too nice. You don't need that extra drama in your life.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Based on what you've described, it might be best if there was some time with no contact with this friend so you and your husband can work things out.
If this friend was also your friend, perhaps you need to talk with her if you wish to keep her as a friend.


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## Onmyway (Apr 25, 2012)

You are absolutely right in not wanting this "friend" around. Making you be around her is over the top, and you have no reason at all to trust her either.

You'll never trust her or your husband with this woman around, he needs to drop her.

There was a close mutual that knew about my WW's A too, not to the same extent as yours, but she knew about it and gossiped with my W about POSOM like little teenage girls.

The funny thing is, my wife wanted nothing to do with her at all (we lived in the same apartment community) until I talked to her when I was at the playground with my daughters and she had her kids there as well. When my WW got home from work I told her that she was very nice and that I think that she would like her. We all became good friends after that.

During the A this "friend" showed her true colors and is now gone.

This is very reasonable, she's not a friend of the marriage and she needs to go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

IMO, a married man has no business having close female friends to begin with. The fact that she was something of a facilitator in his cheating makes it a priority to get her out of your lives. The blame lies at your husband's feet. He chose to have an affair, then chose to make her a party to it. 

If I were you, I would make his elimination of any close female friends a condition of reconciliation. If he refuses, you will have a good idea of how committed he is to your marriage.

Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

zookeeper said:


> IMO, a married man has no business having close female friends to begin with. The fact that she was something of a facilitator in his cheating makes it a priority to get her out of your lives. The blame lies at your husband's feet. He chose to have an affair, then chose to make her a party to it.
> 
> If I were you, I would make his elimination of any close female friends a condition of reconciliation. If he refuses, you will have a good idea of how committed he is to your marriage.
> 
> ...


If this is the case, then the OP must be willing to do the same and get rid of male friends as well, or it seems like a one sided stack. 

You also need to decide between the two of you what is the definition of close, as one might not see someone as being close that the other half does view that way. You need to talk to him about it, as that is what matters and not what a bunch of strangers on the net think.

Also you need to decide if it is just a gender based thing or do the two of you allow friendships with people that are deemed "safe" in your eyes, such as non-hetero individuals?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Your belief that your husband is as committed as you are may be wishful thinking on your part. 

This particular female is not a friend in any sense of the word. 

Certainly not a friend of the marriage. What would she do if your husband decided to take up drugs, drive him to a crack house? Nope, she's no friend to either of you.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Your belief that your husband is as committed as you are may be wishful thinking on your part.
> 
> This particular female is not a friend in any sense of the word.
> 
> Certainly not a friend of the marriage. What would she do if your husband decided to take up drugs, drive him to a crack house? Nope, she's no friend to either of you.


:iagree:

Your husband's 'best friend' has done him no favors and has acted as a wedge between the two of you. 

She is toxic to your relationship with your husband.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

My wife knows that I really do not want her to be involved with her middle sister. She was involved with my wife back in 1999 with cyber sex and then last year she was laughing with my wife about her A. So no you are not over the top and I would simply say end it with the friend.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Getting rid of this toxic friend is actually a - very small - test on your husbnad commitment. He actually knows it's a no brainer. She must go forever, she's an accomplice. They have no one more to blame, they destroyed the long term friendship on their own.

And it's not just about the marriage, it's actually about what kind of man he wants to be from now on, he can't stay friends with people like that. Hopely he will reach the conclusion he doesn't need people like this in his life (regardless the marriage).
Imagine he's an alcoholic trying to sobering up, he'd understand he can't hang out with active, encoraging alcoholics.

This enabler is the worse case of "not friends of the marriage" you can find (I'm sure there are people who knew and didn't tell which are in a different category). She's a destructive force to the marriage. She was a drug dealer.

You can't afford to allow him to remian friends with her. You have enough work working to rebuild this marriage with this kind of obstacle.


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## Welshlady (Jun 21, 2013)

Thank you for all your replies.

Toxic is an apt word to describe this friend and the way she has accepted and facilitated his relationship with this other woman.

I wouldn't want my husband not to enjoy close female friendships and I enjoy close friendships with men. However these are friends of both of ours and my male friends from before the marriage have become mutual friends of ours and vice versa. 

The lady in question at no point asked how I was during our difficulties, offered solace and advice to my husband from his biased and one sided point of view. She did not at any point communicate with me to understand my perspective of our difficulties before offering her advice to him and subsequently entertained my husband and the other woman.

The difficulty lies with my husband not being able to see this and resenting my request. I discovered the resentment when it was thrown at me in a disagreement.

Another issue I have is his x partner who I actually really like and could have easily become a friend of ours as a married couple. The first time in our marriage that I went away was the first time they saw each other since our wedding. A friend of ours went up there and she did too. They all drank and she stayed overnight. I felt very uneasy about this and explained my unease to my husband. Again during our recent difficulties and me staying away for a month he began to spend time with her again. I have said to him that unless she becomes a mutual friend I do not want him spending time with her.

I guess what makes me feel so insecure about all of this is that it feels like I am making these decisions for him and he is going along with them when I'd really like him to realise things have to change and it feel like a mutual decision rather than stuff I am imposing on him.

It's reassuring to have heard your points of view. Thanks


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I don't know your story or why you would go away for a month; but, your husband should have no contact with his affair partner. This other woman is not clear to me. Did she know your husband was actually having an affair, or did she just have your husband and an old friend at the home while you were away for month?

You also express a desire for what I call magical thinking. You want your husband to "realize things have to change and it fell like a mutual decision"--- magically he is supposed to know what changes you want and agree with you on all counts...You need to tell people what you want and need. Expecting others to somehow tune in to your desires and through telepathy know what you want and to agree is not realistic.

With that said, if your husband can not make you feel comfortable in the aftermath of the affair, perhaps divorce is a better option.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Welshlady said:


> I have said to him that unless she becomes a mutual friend I do not want him spending time with her.
> 
> Thanks


I think you should say it more like this:
*
Since she has decided that she does not want to be a mutual friend, I do not want 'you' spending time with her.
*
IMHO she has a thing for him... It seems kind of obvious. He may not reciprocate it but what does it matter? She has crossed the line too many times.


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## Welshlady (Jun 21, 2013)

Wise words.... Although I have expressed myself to my husband but feel like I am imposing my will which I hate feeling like.

I think I confused the situation with my last post. It has nothing to do with the affair at all but is another woman I have asked my husband not to spend time with unless it is as a couple with me. It is his x girlfriend whom he has not had in our company at all during the marriage. Shortly after we were married I went away on a course and she stayed overnight in the home. I didn't like this at all. She never visited again nor did he see her until recently when I wasn't around. I actually really like her but it makes me very uncomfortable that he spends time with her whenever I'm not in the picture so I've also asked him to spend no more time alone with her.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Sounds like she is an OW to me...

Spent the night in YOUR HOME while you were away??? An ex GF? Uncomfortable around you? Your H doesn't want to give her up?

Um yes, there is more to their relationship...

Have you read "Not Just Friends"? By S.Glass?

http://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Frie...d=1371829404&sr=8-1&keywords=not+just+friends


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Welshlady - Try not to view this as you "imposing your will" on your husband. After all, you are his wife, not his mother. However, as his wife, you have a right to expect a certain level of respect and commitment to the marriage which means that your husband doesn't have affairs and doesn't invite women to spend the night in your home while you are away.

You are perfectly within your rights to set boundaries for YOURSELF as to what you will accept in your marriage. Likewise, your husband has a choice whether to accept these boundaries or not. If not, he can find a new wife. 

You aren't imposing your will on him. You are just communicating your own boundaries.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Welshlady said:


> Wise words.... Although I have expressed myself to my husband but feel like I am imposing my will which I hate feeling like.


You are not imposing your will. You are demanding that your husband *love* you because that is what you need in your marriage.

What you are doing is setting a very clear boundary. You have not done this. Don't waffle on this. It could lead to back-sliding.

Boundaries are Very Important and Very Healthy in Marriages.

Robert Frost's 'Mending Wall' ...

'Good fences make good neighbors' Clean, clear boundaries that should not be crossed. That toxic friend was all over those boundaries in your marriage. Call the Turtle Man and 'git that varmit out'... 'live action'

In Kentucky there is an old codger who goes around to people's houses getting nasty little vermin out of their houses. You might have to call him because your H friend seems to have made herself a nest in your marriage.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

I would be careful of past friends that have now become mutual friends. I don't ever see that working out. My wife had past friends that we considered mutual, but do to the history with her, there was never an even ground. She used them to confide in and they felt the need to cover for her (all the while playing the "mutual" friend of the marriage). It has happened with both male and female friends and she crossed her boundaries with both (an A with one of the males and the females covered for her). I felt like a schmuck as I considered them all to be a close friend of me and would have my back when needed. Instead they all stabbed me in the back and that is where it all ended for us. Just my experience, your's could end up differently, but I would just keep mine in mind as it is entirely possible.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

In my opinion, anyone who knew of the affair and didn't tell you should be cut out of your lives. And if you husband won't cut off this friend, then he's choosing her over you and is not committed to the marriage.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

Me and my w had mutual friends that knew about her a. I hate them all now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Welshlady said:


> Wise words.... Although I have expressed myself to my husband but feel like I am imposing my will which I hate feeling like.
> 
> I think I confused the situation with my last post. It has nothing to do with the affair at all but is another woman I have asked my husband not to spend time with unless it is as a couple with me. *It is his x girlfriend whom he has not had in our company at all during the marriage. Shortly after we were married I went away on a course and she stayed overnight in the home. I didn't like this at all.* She never visited again nor did he see her until recently when I wasn't around. I actually really like her but it makes me very uncomfortable that he spends time with her whenever I'm not in the picture so I've also asked him to spend no more time alone with her.


You didn't like it? You shouldn't have tolerated it.

Welshlady, I suppose every married couple has their own notions about what are proper boundaries. I learned the hard way that reasonable boundaries in a marriage are important.

I also learned that what ever your definition of "reasonable" was, those boundaries have to be tightened after a spouse cheats. 

Now is the time to drop the hammer and tell him; that while you can't control him, you can control what you will accept from him in your marriage - post infidelity.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Squeakr said:


> If this is the case, then the OP must be willing to do the same and get rid of male friends as well, or it seems like a one sided stack.


I thought that went without saying. I guess I was wrong.

I've heard all kinds of BS reasons from people that insits on having a close friend of the opposite sex. None has ever been able to explain what a friend of the opposite sex can give you that a friend of the same sex can't except...sex.

I've had more than one woman try to change an acquantaince with me into a friendship. I've shut every one down. My wife and I agreed to this early in our dating relationship. Think of how many trouble marraiges could have avoided problems if only there wasn't a "friend" of the opposite sex waiting, far too familiar in a moment of crisis.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Welshlady said:


> I wouldn't want my husband not to enjoy close female friendships and I enjoy close friendships with men. However these are friends of both of ours and my male friends from before the marriage have become mutual friends of ours and vice versa.


So your husband has already betrayed you once (that you know of) by cheating and you still want him to "enjoy close female friendships?" Sounds to me like he enjoys them a wee bit too much, don't you think?

Mutual friends is total BS. Just read here for a while to see how many poeple were betrayed not only by their spouse but by their best friends, close family friends, even a family member! Thye are often the biggest threats simply because they are close to you so you have a tendency to trust them. 

If you're really both committed to the marriage and each other, jettison the opposite sex friends.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Welshlady said:


> It is his x girlfriend whom he has not had in our company at all during the marriage. Shortly after we were married I went away on a course and she stayed overnight in the home. I didn't like this at all. She never visited again nor did he see her until recently when I wasn't around. I actually really like her but it makes me very uncomfortable that he spends time with her whenever I'm not in the picture so I've also asked him to spend no more time alone with her.


 Are you kidding me? He is a proven cheater and he spends time alone with an x girlfriend when you are away and even has her stay at the house when you are gone. That is nuts. 

Sorry but for someone that is married, your husband does not have any reasonable boundaries when it comes to opposite sex friends (OSF). Many couples do not allow for OSF in marraige at all. Those that do almost always ban past exs from being OPS. Another common OSF boundary is that the OSF must always be a friend of the marriage. You forgave your husband too easy. He now expects you to continue to allow him to have weak OSF boundaries as if nothing has happened. He is not remorseful and will cheat again.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

This man should be on his hands and knees thanking god OP gave him another chance. 

The fact he even argues about having these people in his life shows just how out of touch and entitled he feels, if he can't see that after all he's done, you're looking at a waiting train wreck because sooner or later if his entitlements are not meet, resentment will build and he'll just do what he did during the affair. 

Think of himself.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> I wouldn't want my husband not to enjoy close female friendships and I enjoy close friendships with men. However these are friends of both of ours and my male friends from before the marriage have become mutual friends of ours and vice versa.


As part of working through this issue, you need to re-evaluate this expectation. Along with the others, I agree that your wanting to excise this particular friend from the marriage is reasonable. 

But you should also accept that "close" OSFs from either side is simply a grenade to the marriage waiting to be detonated.

I am intrigued by this friend. Explain to us the history of the friendship which have said "way back." Did your husband date her? Did she reject him? Were they part of a social circle when you met him? 

Also this affair partner of your husband, is she a friend of this woman? I am wondering whether this woman would like to date your husband or if she just likes being able to pull his strings.

Before you believe that the affair had begun, what was the friendship like? How often did they see each other? Was it clear that he wanted you to feel included... without your asking? How often do they communicate and by what means? Do you have an idea how often they specifically talk about you?


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## Welshlady (Jun 21, 2013)

They have known one another for 2 decades. 

My husband has not dated her. 

She is married and has recently found out of many infidelities her own husband took part in. These devastated her and her marriage. Which she is desperately trying to save but her husband is not interested.

My husband and this lady were part of a social circle when we met and have always been close. I have also known her a great length of time but have never been close. 

The woman my husband had an affair with is her friend and currently does a lot with her. 

My husband and his "friend" communicate on the telephone, Facebook and visits. 

I have an idea exactly how often they talk about me as I had to hack my husbands messages to discover the truth about his affair as he was not forthcoming initially. 

She has as I previously said given him a lot of advice based on a bias one sided point of view (frankly far from the truth) she has received from my husband and not made any attempt whatsoever to gain an understanding of our difficulties by communicating with me before offering her advice.

That aside what really sucks is she entertained them both and I cannot accept a person in my life who did that...


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Welshlady, yourhusband may get passive aggressive on you and the more you ask him to dump her, the more he will ardently pursue the relationship.......

Would going the PA route work for you here? When you send out invitations, "forget" to send her one. IF there is a change of plans, "forget" to tell her, or feel free to cancel plans with her...... and then play crazy about how or why you did it. 

Otherwise, it is tough trying to get someone to stop doing something even when you ask nicely, purposefully and with good reason. 

How does your husband interpret his friend's role in the affair? Does he see any possibility at all as to how hurtful that was?

I'm just asking a lot of questions to see if some solution can start to take shape.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Cheaters should be willing to do whatever it takes to save the marriage they so carelessly threw away. They are responsible for doing the heavy lifting -- whatever that might be. It doesn't sound like your husband is completely willing to do that. And if he wants his marriage back then he needs to be.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Welshlady said:


> That aside what really sucks is she entertained them both and I cannot accept a person in my life who did that...


That, in and of itself, is PLENTY of DAMN GOOD reason to NOT have her anywhere near your life, your social circles, your field of view. She doesn't give a rat's patootee about your marriage, or you in particular. 

I don't blame you one iota for not wanting that skank around your H. Anyone who would be a "friend" and knowingly entertain your WH and his OW is a true enemy, and not one you need to keep close.

*IMPOSE YOUR WILL* on this one, if that's what you call it. 
*SET THAT BOUNDARY* and be really positive it's NOT being unreasonable at ALL. 

Trust me, this comes from personal experience too many times.


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## Welshlady (Jun 21, 2013)

It gets worse. I have told her in the straightest possible way and the kindest that we will now be only spending time with friends who are 100% supportive of the marriage.
I assured her I did not blame her for my husbands actions.
I recieved a whole heap of criticisms and abuse including blaming me for the affair.
She has been in touch with my step father who is upset with me for upsetting her!!!
Jeepers! This is all so hard.
I am trying to make a conscious choice to stop focussing on this stuff and try and move on. Especially to not focus on those who have such negative feelings towards me...
Also I learned that before my husband began his affair he had been told by her that she had heard I was having an affair with a work colleague!!!!

My heads up my bum. I'm ok when I'm with my husband but whenever we are apart my brain goes on overdrive!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Welshlady said:


> It gets worse. I have told her in the straightest possible way and the kindest that we will now be only spending time with friends who are 100% supportive of the marriage.
> I assured her I did not blame her for my husbands actions.
> I recieved a whole heap of criticisms and abuse including blaming me for the affair.
> She has been in touch with my step father who is upset with me for upsetting her!!!
> ...


You know Welshlady, isn't it funny that when a toxic friend is confronted about not being a friend to the *marriage*, they will often say or do something in response - to validate your decision. Instead of apologizing, they lash out at you; removing all doubt.

Same thing happened to me not too long ago. She was my wife's best friend and I insisted that my wife have no contact with her. She kept contacting my wife despite that. She would not give up the friendship. So I got involved. When I did, she lashed out at me, telling me that I should do my wife a favor and leave her because I was verbally abusive and controlling. That's when my wife let her have it and it finally ended.

But here's the kicker. This best friend, was the wife of the POSOM. In complete denial and pathetically a codependent to her husband and my wife. This despite all the undeniable evidence I handed over to her, and my wife's confession to her - of a 2 year PA with her husband.

I did the right thing and so did you. Insist on those boundaries and don't compromise. You've earned the right to call the shots.


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

Welshlady said:


> One of whom was a lady my husband chose to have as his "best woman" rather than a best man.


As I get older and have experienced infidelity, more and more I am suspect of such socially progressive arrangements. Too many waywards seem to use "progressivism" as a way to justify their own wayward mindset.

Yes, there are legitimate progressives out there. And if you're dealing with homosexual couples the rules are very different.

But I'm talking about people like the man who decides to have a "best woman" at his wedding. Or the husband who is only "mentoring" his busty young intern in another state. Or the husband who proposes alternative sexual lifestyles simply so he can bang other women.

I fell for it too. My fiance was an empowered career woman who liked being one-of-the-boys at work. And of course, my questioning of that made me a "narrow-minded traditionalist." And of course her banging her co-worker at a trade show had nothing to do with any of that.

Not much good this does you, but I would think long and hard about committing to someone who doesn't bond well with their own gender. If that makes me a "narrow-minded traditionalist," I can handle being uncool.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

Not at all unreasonable. Unreasonable would be for your H to think you could still support this 'friendship' and totally unreasonable to think you would ever want to see her again.

He should know a true friend would not condone his breaking his vows or be any part of socializing with the OW. A true friend would tell him to fix or end your marriage but do not betray. What does this say about HER choice of friends?

You need to get tough here and don't back down or this will not end well ultimately. He will think he can continue to do what he wants, which he shouldn't if he wants you.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

The friend needs to go.

Period end of story.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Why are you telling her anything? Your husband should be endin his friendship with her. If he refuses, there is not a damn thing you can do to keep them apart.

Rethink your position on opposite sex friends. If you allow the fox in the henhouse, don't be surprised when chickens go missing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

*Re: Re: Mutual friends*



zookeeper said:


> Why are you telling her anything? Your husband should be endin his friendship with her. If he refuses, there is not a damn thing you can do to keep them apart.
> 
> Rethink your position on opposite sex friends. If you allow the fox in the henhouse, don't be surprised when chickens go missing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


THIS

Have you read "not just friends" by SGlass???

I'm sorry you are here. If your H doesn't end the friendship or doesnt want to, you have bigger problems on your hands....are you sure they aren't in an A together currently? 

If you are sure they are not - how have you verified?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You are right. They are not friends of the marriage, so they get to go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Welshlady (Jun 21, 2013)

I've not posted for a while but have been finding this all so difficult.

I'm beginning to doubt if the marriage is worth anymore of my effort!

My reason for posting initially was my fear I was being unreasonable about his friend. Those fears were totally unfounded. The woman is poison and when I explained my feelings to her she was abusive to me and abusive to my husband.

That's taken a back seat and is done with.

My husband who professed to be willing to do anything to save the marriage has dissappointed me at every available turn.

His first responsibility was to my sexual health and he has only today gone to the clinic (supposedly).

He promised he would not go certain places. He has broken that promise.

He promised not to lie. He has broken that promise! They are trivial pathetic lies but lies all the same.. Lies to seem righteous in situations he is in the wrong. For example lifting a plate above his head and smashing it in a mood which I watched with my own eyes as he walked away, he "tripped"!! he said....

He promised to stop quoting friends when we disagree and involving other people to back him up over differences of opinions... BROKEN

Worse than that he has become verbally abusive again, which was the reason I left the marital home in the first instance.

I have got my own place and we were meant to be resolving our issues with counselling before considering living together again but he has been at my new place non stop and refused point blank to go home or organise a sensible agenda of when he would stay and when he would return to the marital home (his home). 

He has been verbally abusive again on a number of occasions... Upset the children, visitors and I have made him go home finally on Monday and asked him not to return till Saturday to give me space to breathe & think.

I feel like I'm going crazy and am giving him one last chance to respect my boundaries, keep his promises and start showing that he respects us... I feel like a fool for doing so.

He is a master of spin and manages to turn everything round to him. He is demanding and is persistant in talking about his needs/ wants and insisting on getting them. He never asks what my needs are, infact he actually tries to tell me what my needs are...

When he doesn't get his own way he changes his tactic talking about how it would be the best for the children. He doesn't give up. He will literally follow me round the house going on and on if my opinion is different from his. He just cant leave it and accept folk don't always share opinions. Generally it's over total trivia and nothing worth making such a fuss over.

I think my heads been in the clouds... Surely he should be making an effort and helping to rebuild trust in the relationship but he's so ME ME ME ME!

Having made the concious decision to work at it I havn't mentioned his infidelity much at all. I think I've made it too easy for him but I also wonder if he has mental health issues..

He gets all alpha male round me but when he doesn't get his own way like going home this Monday he gets totally wet and over sensitive. He expects me to take on board how "insecure" I have made him feel and how his behaviour is simply a reaction to me and things I say.....

Rant over... my chest has less weight now..


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Let me think about this....

If my wife had a male friend instead of a bridesmaid at our wedding...and he entertained my wife and her lover...

I would probably pound him senseless, with my wife's leg....

That is really kicking betrayal up a couple of notches......Y

Your husband was showing extraordinarily poor judgment, by having an affair, and then compounded it by involving a mutual acquaintance....He should NC her...

the woodchuck


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## Welshlady (Jun 21, 2013)

Woodchuck,

Chuckling reading your post  

What's NC?


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Welshlady said:


> I've not posted for a while but have been finding this all so difficult.
> 
> I'm beginning to doubt if the marriage is worth anymore of my effort!
> 
> ...


My dear, I will tell you what I have told others...Think deeply about whether you really need this lout in your life....

Reading some threads on this forum may help you decide

Take care of yourself, eat, rest, hydrate, get a prescription for an anti anxiety pill....

Get your finances in order.....

Get all the information from this forum to keep proper surveillance on him...Including a voice activated recorder or two to listen when and where you aren't...

Expose his infidelity to your family, friends, children, and his family and friends...

Write down what you DEMAND of him before you will come home, and have him sign it...

If it is available, tell him you will require him to take a poly graph test. 

He will have one chance to tell all beforehand...Any lies or omissions will mean immediate filing for divorce...

Get him to agree to it in a post nuptial agreement...

Let him know in no uncertain terms, the decision to ATTEMPT a reconciliation in no way means it will not end in divorce...

I think having all the steps laid out in front of you will make you feel better, and let you calm down and unwind...

the marmot has spoken....

good luck
the woodchuck


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Welshlady said:


> Woodchuck,
> 
> Chuckling reading your post
> 
> What's NC?


no contact


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Welshlady said:


> Woodchuck,
> 
> Chuckling reading your post
> 
> What's NC?


I'm glad I brightened your day a bit...

NC means no contact...A written letter telling her that for the good of your marriage your husband will not contact her in the future and she should not attempt to contact him in ANY WAY....

He should write it, sign it, and have it delivered to her, with her signature confirming that she indeed got the letter....

the woodchuck


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Let's forget about b!tchzilla for a moment.

Your husband, who betrayed you as cruelly as one human can to another, made a string of promises- all of which are broken. And he's verbally abusive.

I understand your desire to save the marriage, but I think your nobleness has run out.

My best advice is to end the marriage. I mean, why keep this up? He has made himself crystal clear as to his true intentions.

Go and find some peace and harmony in your life.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

I am not usually one to jump on the big D bandwagon, generally I think people should work harder before they do that. But, that being said, it is obvious he has no interest in making your marriage work. It seems like he is trying harder and harder to push you away.

As others have said before, a spouse in his position should be doing everything possible to convince you he wants to stay in the marriage, yet this entitled WH is doing the exact opposite. He is only making you do the hard work to figure out how to stay together while living apart, and it is hurting you much more than him.

I would cut my losses at this point.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

PamJ said:


> I am not usually one to jump on the big D bandwagon, generally I think people should work harder before they do that. But, that being said, it is obvious he has no interest in making your marriage work. It seems like he is trying harder and harder to push you away.
> 
> As others have said before, a spouse in his position should be doing everything possible to convince you he wants to stay in the marriage, yet this entitled WH is doing the exact opposite. He is only making you do the hard work to figure out how to stay together while living apart, and it is hurting you much more than him.
> 
> I would cut my losses at this point.


I agree. He just doesn't get it. He won't get it.


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