# PLZ



## kitkat11 (Jul 12, 2021)

My husband doesn’t wanna go to counseling with me but I’m done with the way he treats me. I feel like a failure if I’m the one who walks out. But he also keeps adding guilt by saying “if you leave we’re getting a divorce” etc…

it feels just like verbal abuse when do I know it’s time to go?


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

It’s time to go .... right now. He obviously isn’t interested in working on the relationship and is issues threats. Doesn’t sound like a good situation. You have not givin much info so I’m only speculating.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

When is it time to go? When the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving.


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

he is trying to move the blame over on to you for all that is wrong , and you are taking the responsible step, if he does not want to do something to fix it 
it is time to say good bye he seems to be childish or a bully 
what ever it does not sound like it is good for you and your best to not drag it out long


----------



## emptyandoverit (Apr 14, 2021)

kitkat11 said:


> My husband doesn’t wanna go to counseling with me but I’m done with the way he treats me. I feel like a failure if I’m the one who walks out. But he also keeps adding guilt by saying “if you leave we’re getting a divorce” etc…
> 
> it feels just like verbal abuse when do I know it’s time to go?


Without any additional details it sounds like you have your answer. You are unhappy and he is unwilling to work with you to fix the issues. He is failing his obligation to you as a husband. You get one life, live it. If you are not happy and he will not work with you, it's time to go.


----------



## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

kitkat11 said:


> My husband doesn’t wanna go to counseling with me but I’m done with the way he treats me. I feel like a failure if I’m the one who walks out. But he also keeps adding guilt by saying “if you leave we’re getting a divorce” etc…
> 
> it feels just like verbal abuse when do I know it’s time to go?


People starting to tell you to leave, but no one even knows the context!
Why do you want him to go to counseling?!
What do you mean by the way he treats you?! 

When he tells you “if you leave we’re getting a divorce” that's not a verbal abuse, he is just telling you what will happen if you leave!
We need more details!


----------



## Stillphotenic (Jul 8, 2021)

kitkat11 said:


> My husband doesn’t wanna go to counseling with me but I’m done with the way he treats me. I feel like a failure if I’m the one who walks out. But he also keeps adding guilt by saying “if you leave we’re getting a divorce” etc…
> 
> it feels just like verbal abuse when do I know it’s time to go?


I just went though this about 4 months ago! My husband is a covert narcissist aka emotionally abused me for 10 years!!! I was at a point back in feb where it was in full blown trauma response mode - and when I left and I was able to pull my self together - I was deviststed. I told him before I left I only wanted to separate and work on the marriage but he said if I leave he will divorce me - and 7 days later after I left he filed ! And now acts like we never existed! I wasn’t ready for the emotional turmoil that I opened up! 
so I say this to say - before you leave focus on a plan and work wirh a counselor your self
To learn of this is the best decision. Prepare your self for change!!! This is a huge step and one I was not ready for ! I was depressed foe a good 90 days - I barely could do anything - if u ask me was it worth it? Yes!!!! But this is my own Individualized plan !!!! I’d suggest you coming up with yours and address the way he treats you ! With or with out your marriage there is a process that you owe your self ! It’s to be more self aware and trusting of your own judgement. Best of luck !


----------



## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

kitkat11 said:


> My husband doesn’t wanna go to counseling with me but I’m done with the way he treats me. I feel like a failure if I’m the one who walks out. But he also keeps adding guilt by saying “if you leave we’re getting a divorce” etc…
> 
> it feels just like verbal abuse when do I know it’s time to go?


If you're unhappy and he refuses to work on it, it's time to go. 

It isn't guilting someone to say “if you leave we’re getting a divorce”, he is just saying what he will do. But, it doesn't mean you shouldn't leave, or that you're a failure.

Don't waste a lot of time figuring out who is to blame, it won't fix anything. It's not a bad idea to occasionally ask yourself if you should've done things differently, but to improve yourself and not for guilt.

Divorce is very stressful, and if you're experiencing guilt, feelings of failure or other negative emotions, consider counseling for yourself.


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Stillphotenic said:


> I just went though this about 4 months ago! My husband is a covert narcissist aka emotionally abused me for 10 years!!! I was at a point back in feb where it was in full blown trauma response mode - and when I left and I was able to pull my self together - I was deviststed. I told him before I left I only wanted to separate and work on the marriage but he said if I leave he will divorce me - and 7 days later after I left he filed ! And now acts like we never existed! I wasn’t ready for the emotional turmoil that I opened up!
> so I say this to say - before you leave focus on a plan and work wirh a counselor your self
> To learn of this is the best decision. Prepare your self for change!!! This is a huge step and one I was not ready for ! I was depressed foe a good 90 days - I barely could do anything - if u ask me was it worth it? Yes!!!! But this is my own Individualized plan !!!! I’d suggest you coming up with yours and address the way he treats you ! With or with out your marriage there is a process that you owe your self ! It’s to be more self aware and trusting of your own judgement. Best of luck !


I think this is very good advice ,
I just would like to ask you at what point did you see clearest your relationship , and the impact or even spell he had you in , you say he was a 


Stillphotenic said:


> My husband is a covert narcissist aka emotionally abused me for 10 years!!


can you see what he was like better now than before you left


----------



## Stillphotenic (Jul 8, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> I think this is very good advice ,
> I just would like to ask you at what point did you see clearest your relationship , and the impact or even spell he had you in , you say he was a
> 
> can you see what he was like better now than before you left


Thanks!! Unfortunately my relationship was never clear- it was very common to deal with miss communication- it was common for a lot of blurring Ans smoke signals. And I always thought it was me- it wasn’t until NOW 4 months I am able to articulate how unclear it was!


----------

