# I'm adrift!



## Eight (Oct 29, 2016)

My wife of 23 years told me 2 weeks ago that she didn't see a future with me. I was stunned and heart broken! I knew we had problems but most marriages do right? I asked her if there was someone else and shesaid no but come to find out there is. I'm not sure how long she's been seeing him but it doesn't really matter does it. I love her very much and we have 2 amazing kids so I want to save the marriage but how?


----------



## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Yeah, us guys tend to want to save the marriage (even if its the guy who is cheating). This club sucks, but you are not alone.

I'm on limited time... and people who help me will give you better detailed info.
But if you check here before they do. Keep calm, keep cool is the best thing for now. Provide answers questions to questions here would be helpful.

First of all, start 180 now.
SurvivingInfidelity.com - Frequently Asked Questions for the Betrayed Spouse

How old are kids?
What do you know of the affair? You just found out about that part, right?
Lets guess.... co-worker?

You WILL need to be willing to leave the marriage to save it... at best.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Can you share more details about the nature of your marital issues?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

One way to stop an affair is to blow it sky high. If OM is married exposing the affair to his wife would do just that.

OP, it worries me that you don't even care much about the affair and immediately want to reconcile. Some misguided fools might say, "Oh, look how much he wants to save his marriage. He already wants her back." Psychologist Stephen Gullo would say that reaction is the worse one someone who has been jilted can have. Anger and resentment is a normal reaction to being spurned like you have.

You sound *drum-roll, please* co-dependent. Not uncommon. As a matter of fact, most of us that go into relationships get co-dependent. So you're in good company. However, if you wish to recover you will have to work yourself out of this thought patterns.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

The marriage you thought you had doesn't exist. Do some reading. Don't stick you head in the sand and think waiting things out will help anything. Decide what you want then make a plan to go forth for you and your children, whether she comes along or not. Whatever you do don't sell your soul and play the pick me dance. Some marriages are worth saving, but not at all cost. 


Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

Best


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You can't reconcile your marriage alone.

Read up on and implement the 180, and file for divorce first thing Monday morning.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Stop. Breathe. Consider everything that brought you here. This doesn't happen overnight...its typically a relatively long process. 

Begin to examine the last several years. Think long and hard. What changed...when did it change...what else was going on.

Gather all your info. While doing this. DO NOT chase your wife. Follow the 180.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

You can't save a marriage when one person has checked out. Until/if/when she cuts off all contact with the other dude you can't reconcile. See a lawyer.

How did you discover she was seeing someone else, despite her saying she wasn't?

What do you know about this guy?

How old are your kids?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Do not move out of your house.

She wants to leave the marriage, she moves out, leaving you and your children in the family home.

She doesn't want to belong to the family anymore? Well.... bye, honey!

And depending on the ages of the children, she may get to pay you child support! Awesome! :smthumbup:


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I think the better goal is to seek the best outcome for you and you children. How old are the kids roughly?

I was married 34 yrs and tried to save the marriage for 5 yrs. You can't do it alone, as others have already pointed out. The advice you will get on this forum may distress you, but it will be good advice.

First, you cannot Nice her back. Reread that repeatedly until you understand it. She is an addict who gets high on brain chemicals (endorphins) every time she has any form of contact or thoughts of this Other Man (OM). You cannot use logic to convince her that you are a better man or that her family is more important. She really is an addict, so she has delusional thoughts about the situation.

You may not be able to break the affair, and if you do it still may not result in a good marriage. So you proceed on a process which gets you to the best outcome possible for you. It may not be possible to get the ideal outcome, but you can avoid doing ineffective things. Trust the process. Hope for the best, prepare for the likely, and be a strong loving father for your kids.

Don't cry in front of your W. Weakness or perceived weakness is harmful to your goals. Remain calm, confident, and purposeful in front of W. Don't plead or beg.

You don't have to prove to her how much you know. Avoid that diversion. You know she is cheating, period. Now set the boundary that you won't remain in a marriage with a cheating wife. Remember you cannot Nice her back. Don't avoid being strong. Talk to a lawyer asap to learn how things go where you live. You need this data. Prepare divorce papers. Your state court website probably has free forms you can fill out online. You don't have to file them if you fill them out. Print them up. 

The best chance to kill the affair is to expose it. Tell OM's wife/gf, tell her parents. Tell your minister if you attend the same church. Now the affair isn't fun, and it becomes much more difficult to carry on.

You'll need to put some spy tech in place to ensure she has gone No Contact with OM.

Insist she write out a detailed timeline of the affair. Insist she write a No Contact letter which you read and approve. You mail it or you watch her send it.

If she refuses to cooperate, file the divorce.

This really is your best path to killing the affair and getting her to work on returning.


----------



## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Eight said:


> I love her very much and we have 2 amazing kids so I want to save the marriage but how?


Get out of this mindset ASAP!!! You need to process your anger and hurt first and let her know in no uncertain terms you might not desire her back, be strong and you can't nice her back, we have almost all of us been where you are at, it might sound crazy but believe me we can't all be wrong.....don't compromise on your pain and moral stance now, as it will come hound you back badly later on.....address it now


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Word of advice. You need a bit of "shock and awe". First and foremost EXPOSE! I cannot emphasize how important this is. To each of your parents ,siblings,friends. Secondly, have divorce papers prepared, and last read up on the 180. 

Please do not do the "pick me"dance. Guaranteed way to fail. Women respect strength. I would also ask her to leave the house. Good luck sir.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Unfortunately I think your wife has made a decision that she is better off with her lover. But she is ashamed of being seen as a cheating ****. She is most likely painting you as a horrible husband to justify her actions of leaving you but not mentioning that she is having an affair with another man.

Expose her so that the truth is known. Name her lover if you know him. It may not save your marriage, but is marriage to a her worth saving?


----------



## Eight (Oct 29, 2016)

Thank you all for your responses! I have printed off the 180 and will read up on them today, it does appear that I'm doing everything wrong. I have been asked to give a little more details so I'll try here. I suffer from depression that has gone largely untreated my whole life, I can also be distant and withdrawn. All of these things have been issues during our whole marriage. My kids are 13 and 10. The OM is a scout leader in my son scout troop and I believe that the A started at summer camp this year. I found out about the A by reading a dairy that my W keeps and other info by looking in her PM on Facebook. I have started counseling and meds for the depression. I am also looking for a support group in my area. I will be calling a lawyer tomorrow as I found she has a how to file for divorce.


----------



## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

*


Eight said:



Thank you all for your responses! I have printed off the 180 and will read up on them today, it does appear that I'm doing everything wrong. I have been asked to give a little more details so I'll try here. I suffer from depression that has gone largely untreated my whole life, I can also be distant and withdrawn. All of these things have been issues during our whole marriage. My kids are 13 and 10. The OM is a scout leader in my son scout troop and I believe that the A started at summer camp this year. I found out about the A by reading a dairy that my W keeps and other info by looking in her PM on Facebook. I have started counseling and meds for the depression. I am also looking for a support group in my area. I will be calling a lawyer tomorrow as I found she has a how to file for divorce.

Click to expand...

*

Eight,

No matter what your problems are, she should have divorced you first and then banged the OM. And you are correctly understanding that you cannot reconcile by yourself.

now my guess is that this scout leader OM is also married so after you see your attorney you next move is to without saying a word to your wife notifying his wife what is going on. This may not change her attitude but if he wants to save his marriage he may throw your wife right under the bus in order to save his ass.

If you take that route, there is more advice that you can get here.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Be strong and firm. Get that depression under control. That is an order.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Oh and expose to parents of scouts in the troop. They will not like having such a person in a leadership role with their kids.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

straightshooter said:


> *
> *
> 
> Eight,
> ...


The affair needs to be exposed. To OM's wife if he is married because she deserves to know. To family and friends because she has been planning to leave you for a while now and she is most likely trashing you to them. Making you seem like a horrible husband, father, and person so she seems justified in leaving/divorcing you. Don't tell her what you are doing.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Report OM to the local Boy Scout District Council. They take a dim view of Scout Masters fvcking a young member's mother.

And you can learn something from the Boy Scout motto, "Be Prepared". Basically, hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

TDSC60 said:


> Report OM to the local Boy Scout District Council. They take a dim view of Scout Masters fvcking a young member's mother.
> 
> And you can learn something from the Boy Scout motto, "Be Prepared". Basically, hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.





QFT


The Boy Scouts like to have an image of father and son bonding, family oriented goals, and being kind to your neighbors. Definitely report this to the council, that kick alone would have him throwing your wife under the bus. You will destroy his image of living a pure life when he is nothing but a wolf in sheeps clothing, same for your wife on this. Expose to OM's wife, give him something to do with his spare time, saving his marriage and not chasing moms. Let it all blow up, expose far and wide, let your wife do damage control with family and friends. You have to be willing to lose the marriage to save the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Eight, We are here for you. 

Take care of yourself so you can take care of your family. (That's you and your children.)


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If you chase, plead and beg you'll push her further away. Exposure will probably end the affair.

Exposure should be done without warning his/her friends/family, etc. 

Jumping into the " I want to save the marriage" mode is the worst thing you can do.

Affair is a decision she made and no marriage is perfect. It's not your fault.

Get moving. They are way ahead of you.


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

The BS of A grappled with allowing active, gay scouts to remain in the troop. What do you think they would think about a predator for a scout leader? I was an assistant leader for one son and I can tell you the parents and system would choke on that. And don't believe for a minute that he's NOT a predator. EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE!

Personally I'd write an email to all the parents in the troop. Very simple. "Disturbing news about our Scout Troup ###". And start it off with the BS Oath

http://usscouts.org/usscouts/advance/boyscout/bsoath.asp

And paste this from their website, saying "These are our beliefs from the Scouting website:

"To be a person of strong character, your relationships with others should be honest and open. You should respect and defend the rights of all people. Be clean in your speech and actions, and remain faithful in your religious beliefs. The values you practice as a Scout will help you shape a life of virtue and self-reliance."

Our own Troop leader, [say his name], does not even believe in these core values but is an adult role model for our kids. Instead, he is praying in the family of a troop member, breaking up my family, and sleeping with my wife behind my back and deceiving me and my children."

"I send this from a point of terrible personal pain, but also hoping to show what open and honest relationships with others should look like. I have been depressed and had my own marital difficulties, but I never expected my son's Scout leader to exploit that and destroy my family. Be aware and protect your family."


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

And as for exposure, does the Scout Troop have Facebook, Twitter, Vine, Linkedin, Pinterest, Google + accounts?


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I am sorry you are here honey.

I'm kinda the flip side of a lot on those on this board, as I was the one that left my marriage.
The reason? 

A decade and a half of his untreated depression. If you and your wife are pretty good communicators you can probably refelect back on her telling you how unhappy she was, and that she needed you to make some adjustments. My ex would try for a couple weeks, then go straight back to his Eeore state. Eventually I could no longer help him, as he wouldn't help himself, and I file for divorce.

At that point, he was completely shocked like you, as was everyone around us. Our sweet children (then 11, 15) who I had shielded from our marital problems as much as I could were horrified, and blamed me for everything. I was prepared for that, as I knew he wouldn't ever admit his faults. I had given him over _a decade of trying and being patient and loving and supportive. I gave him all I had, and got nothing but more sadness in return. I had been asking for a divorce straight out the last 5 years of our marriage, he wouldn't agree and kept saying he would change. 

I don't know if any of that sounds similar to your situation....but if she has reached that point, I don't know that there is much hope for your marriage to be saved. IMMEDIATELY get your depression treated. Find a great doctor if need be. See if she will consider marriage counseling. 

Once I had hit the "I'm done" point, nothing he could have done would have worked. There was a lot of begging, crying, anger etc etc. He used TONS of GUILT. 

This is mostly water under the bridge now. I am happily remarried. 

It was completely out of line for her to go start an affair and be committing adultry against you. She should have filed for divorce and been separated from you. Instead she chose to be a sneaky snake. As was the Scout leader. Who knows how many other moms that guy is banging...so you probably should get a STD test.

I wish you the best, and I'm not saying there is no hope, becauase I always want families to stay together if at all possible!
I just wanted to give you a glimpse of perhaps how your wife feels.

Take care of yourself, eat healthy, go to the gym, plan fun activities for your kids and you. I agree, don't leave your marital home. She ended this. Not you. When I ended it, I left my dream home, even though it had tons of my inheritance money into it. Stay home, keep your kids stable there as long as possible.

I wish I could give you a hug. I gave my ex lots of them during the divorce process. I still cared so much about him, but the marriage had died, because I was the only person in it. All my best!!!_


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Eight said:


> Thank you all for your responses! I have printed off the 180 and will read up on them today, it does appear that I'm doing everything wrong. I have been asked to give a little more details so I'll try here. I suffer from depression that has gone largely untreated my whole life, I can also be distant and withdrawn. All of these things have been issues during our whole marriage. My kids are 13 and 10. The OM is a scout leader in my son scout troop and I believe that the A started at summer camp this year. I found out about the A by reading a dairy that my W keeps and other info by looking in her PM on Facebook. I have started counseling and meds for the depression. I am also looking for a support group in my area. I will be calling a lawyer tomorrow as I found she has a how to file for divorce.


Expose the affair -- _especially_ to BSA leadership -- immediately.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Expose the affair -- _especially_ to BSA leadership -- immediately.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Definitely expose for the sake of the other kids' families if nothing else. This will also most likely end the affair immediately, usually does anyway.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You are adrift. Good analogy.

Being adrift means this:

Being alone. By coming here TAM you are no longer alone.

Being without support, without guidelines. Read the above, same answer.

Being without being. A man's being is a reflection of his Image. The image that he sees in a mirror and one that others "see". The private and public image. Your image is morphing. Be patient, it will self-focus.

Being without options. Acceptable options. Your options are a result of your own past and the results of her infidelity, prior to divorce. She did not "paint you into a corner". No, she painted a new life for herself. You are not in the painting. The other man is. She used water colors to paint this picture. When it rains....and it will, the picture will blur, and her selfish errors in painting smudged her own image.

You ARE adrift. How do you regain control of your destination, read destiny?
1) You need a sail to push you, to allow you to tack port/starboard.... forward to a new life without her. The sail is an attorney and friends and family support. Your moving-forward plan also serves this purpose.
2) You need a rudder to free up your hands from the sail that whips back and forth. You cannot do everything by yourself. Your attorney and family can help steer you away from any rocks or unseen piers.
3) You need a chart to make this rough journey as short-lived as possible. The chart is a detailed plan that spells out the whats, wheres, whens, hows of divorce.
4) You need a clear mind, clear resolve and will to carry out this wavy back and forth path.


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Send your evidence to every "scouting.org" email address you can find. 

Then just sit back and watch them grab their torches and pitchforks.


----------



## Eight (Oct 29, 2016)

You are all right I confronted her and she had no remorse and refused to break it off. We're done! Working on getting a lawyer and getting some financial information together before I expose. Thanks everyone!


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Eight

So sorry this has happened to you, your pain must be excruciating. I'm sure others will come with excellent advice for you. Get your ducks in a row, set up your strategy for divorce, then hit it hard and furious. You are playing catch up with emotions as she checked out long ago. Use that to fuel you forward, nobody uses you as she did, become strong and resolute. Make every move have a purpose, make every move that benefits you and your children, make every move that exiles her from your life. You will be ok, just breathe and relax, your emotions just boarded a roller coaster. But always remember you will be ok.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Eight said:


> You are all right I confronted her and she had no remorse and refused to break it off. We're done! Working on getting a lawyer and getting some financial information together before I expose. Thanks everyone!


So sorry you are here. it looks like you have to start taking care of you and become stronger for your kids

1. You have started on the 180 - so you said
2. Good you have set up a lawyer
3. Please, please expose the OM to his wife/GF asap because now your wife knows they may try and do damage control
4. Expose to family and friends asap, don't give them time to do anything to paint you in a bad light
5. Go to the gym, get counselling for yourself
6. Do not move out of the house, tell her she has to.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> You can't reconcile your marriage alone.
> 
> Read up on and implement the 180, and file for divorce first thing Monday morning.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*I absolutely could not concur more!

But additionally, @Eight ~ you should explore with your lawyer the viable possibility of having primary custody of your kids and of keeping possession of the primary home! Do not leave it! Make her go!

You should also take time to visit with your MD to insure that she hasn't passed on some nasty STD to you!

Sorry to see you here at TAM, but you have preeminently come to the best counseling site available, where we all care for your overall well being! My prayers go with you!

Stay strong, brother!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

She is your enemy now. You have to step up to the plate and have your lawyer "go for the jugular". You are now at war. You must expose and do so as quickly as possible, otherwise, you will allow her to spin things her way making you out to be the bad guy. This scumbag being a scout leader really frosts my buns as I was an Eagle Scout and the organization was a very positive influence on my life and my character.
This POSOM is a disgrace. Good luck to you sir and stay strong. You are getting solid advice here. Follow it.


----------



## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

*


Eight said:



You are all right I confronted her and she had no remorse and refused to break it off. We're done! Working on getting a lawyer and getting some financial information together before I expose. Thanks everyone!

Click to expand...

*
Eight,

OK, sorry but at least you know what you have to d. Now once you have been to an attorney, make sure you tell the wife of OM WITHOUT saying a word to your wife. if they are active in scouts with your son, it cannot be hard to find her. But your wife must know NOTHING. 

What you do have to be prepared for is that right now your wife has no clue you are going to tell the OM wife, and keep it that way. But once you do, there is a very good chance that this OM will dump your wife like a hot potato. When and if that happens, you must be prepared with what you are going to do if she has an "awakening" and decides how horrible what she did was and tries to make you Plan B and tries to reconcile. Understand that most of the books will say that when a WW* initially resists *ending an affair and taking the proper steps necessary to save the marriage that the success rate of reconciliation goes down. 

Telling you directly, and not even trying to lie to you that she is going to continue to bang him, should make it clear you need to get her out of your life.

Hang in there and i suggest you do not disappear. there is nothing she is going to do or say that someone here has not heard or seen before.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Eight said:


> I'm not sure how long she's been seeing him but it doesn't really matter does it.


You are 100% right about this part. It really doesn't matter. One fvck is more than enough.



Eight said:


> I love her very much and we have 2 amazing kids so I want to save the marriage but how?


It doesn't matter how much you love her. SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU. You can not force or convince someone to love you.

The kids will be fine. Worry about YOU and what she did to YOU. Stop making it about winning her back. Get her off the pedestal.

She's a vile cheater... Treat her as such. You are confusing love with codependency much like she has confused love with lust.

File for divorce ASAP, hit the gym and win your self respect back. Start loving yourself and telling yourself, "I DESERVE BETTER."


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I'm usually the dissenting voice here on exposure when the intent is to divorce. If the intent is to try to kill the affair and save the marriage, then yes exposure is important and should be done swiftly. But if the intent is to divorce, exposure can be counterproductive. I would advise Eight to not expose before the divorce is finalized unless there is a specific reason to do so which does not harm the divorce outcome. The most important thing is to get out the far end of the divorce with the best possible deal for the betrayed and for the children.

After the divorce, rain down all the grief you want on the OM and XW.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Thor said:


> I'm usually the dissenting voice here on exposure when the intent is to divorce. If the intent is to try to kill the affair and save the marriage, then yes exposure is important and should be done swiftly. But if the intent is to divorce, exposure can be counterproductive. I would advise Eight to not expose before the divorce is finalized unless there is a specific reason to do so which does not harm the divorce outcome. The most important thing is to get out the far end of the divorce with the best possible deal for the betrayed and for the children.
> 
> After the divorce, rain down all the grief you want on the OM and XW.


You are not alone. I am 100% in agreement with this statement also.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The Boy Scout leader needs to be exposed and banished as fast as humanly possible. Folks like that have to be checked out before being allowed to be around kids. Coaches, teachers etc. have been run off in my area to a surprising amount.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Like a lawyer once told me, "Being a serial cheating wh0re technically doesn't make your wife a bad mom in the eyes of the law."

So I'm not sure why him being a home wrecker POSOM is going to seriously impact his career as a "boy scout leader"...

Is there some morality clause that I'm not aware of that they need to sign before the can lead a troop or something?


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I don't think OP should be sacrificing himself and his children in order to expose OM to the Boy Scouts instantly. He and his children are a higher priority. When it is no longer a threat to OP and his children, I would hope he goes scorched earth on the OM. Expose him to the BSA and to the other parents of the troop.

If he does so, he needs to be sure he has solid proof to sustain a slander lawsuit. He needs to secure copies of her diary and messages. But he needs to talk to his lawyer about the legalities of this, too.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)




----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> Like a lawyer once told me, "Being a serial cheating wh0re technically doesn't make your wife a bad mom in the eyes of the law."
> 
> So I'm not sure why him being a home wrecker POSOM is going to seriously impact his career as a "boy scout leader"...
> 
> Is there some morality clause that I'm not aware of that they need to sign before the can lead a troop or something?




Absolutely.

http://www.scouting.org/BSAYouthProtection/Media_Center/KnowtheFacts.aspx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

I see nothing there about affairs with other adults...


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> I see nothing there about affairs with other adults...


According to a blog post I found that would be covered by the Scout Oath:-

https://beascout.scouting.org/?utm_...m_medium=banner&utm_campaign=scouting_dot_org



> The Foundation of Scouting
> Scout Oath
> On my honor I will do my best to do my duty To God and my country and to obey the Scout Law,
> To help other people at all times,
> ...


The "morally straight" section would preclude Scout Master from having adulterous sex with the mother of a Boy Scout, it would seem.

But like you, @BetrayedDad, I am puzzled as to why there's no published Scout Master code of behaviour? :scratchhead:


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

@BetrayedDad my experience with scouting in leadership - me and my wife - leads me to believe the organization does not see whatever ambiguity you see. Morally straight may seem like an unclear standard to you, but I assure you fvcking a boy's mother and breaking up a family is not ambiguous at all.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## stillthinking (Jun 1, 2016)

Well she has made her decision. Divorce it is.

So might I suggest....The sweetest revenge is living well.

Get your depression addressed.
Workout.
Get more social.
Build and project self-confidence.
Start dating women younger than her. Better looking than her. Nicer than her.

She will notice that you are happier without her and with higher quality women than her. Nothing reminds a middle aged cheating wife of her declining stock faster than seeing her ex doing well with younger women. Even if she and this guy end up happy together, (and the statistics say they will not) it will still bug her to no end. As youth is something she cannot offer either you or her new guy. Even he will feel a pang of jealously. As he should. You are with a higher quality women, and he has your leftovers.


----------



## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Thor said:


> I'm usually the dissenting voice here on exposure when the intent is to divorce. If the intent is to try to kill the affair and save the marriage, then yes exposure is important and should be done swiftly. But if the intent is to divorce, exposure can be counterproductive. I would advise Eight to not expose before the divorce is finalized unless there is a specific reason to do so which does not harm the divorce outcome. The most important thing is to get out the far end of the divorce with the best possible deal for the betrayed and for the children.
> 
> After the divorce, rain down all the grief you want on the OM and XW.


Eight,

The above is normally excellent advice, especially if it is a WORKPLACE affair and WW might get fired and effect finances in a divorce. In your case, even if you are divorcing that is unlikely scout issues will have anything to do with your situation.

However, not telling his wife means that for the next how many months you must sit there and watch your wife while living in the same house with her carrying on her affair, which she will do more openly once you file. That is not easy to sit through. 

So I'd still expose immediately especially since you make the statement you still love her. Being Plan B is not a good idea but if you will blow up the affair and get this guy out of picture who knows what happens. Doing nothing means she continues to become more attached to him.

Your call, but I strongly urge you to also do the moral thing and tell the wife her husband is a snake


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Eight said:


> You are all right I confronted her and she had no remorse and refused to break it off. We're done! Working on getting a lawyer and getting some financial information together before I expose. Thanks everyone!


So she didn't deny it - admitted it? 

And then told you - her husband - that she has no intention to stop f--King another man??

Wow, just wow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## destroyd (Feb 20, 2015)

If it didnt affect her employment or your finances in any way, which I can't see how it could, I'd expose the hell out of them.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> According to a blog post I found that would be covered by the Scout Oath:-
> 
> https://beascout.scouting.org/?utm_...m_medium=banner&utm_campaign=scouting_dot_org
> 
> ...


It is an honor system Matt. When you sign on to be Troop or Den leader, there is no behavioral contract or agreement that you sign, because the BSA expects their Troop leaders to be morally upright and accountable. 

When I was a Den Leader I had to undergo a criminal background check and go through the YPP (youth protection program) training where you learn to take care of the kids. I never once heard anything about not fvcking the kids' moms. That topic just never came up. 

BSA troops are broken up into local districts. OP needs to find the district Director and let him/her know what is going on. This can be done discreetly and will be handled discreetly. The OM will simply be asked to step down and another dad will be asked to fill his spot. There is no tribunal or board of review. A district Director can sh!tcan a Troop/Den leader at will and without any due process.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

TheTruthHurts said:


> my experience with scouting in leadership - me and my wife - leads me to believe the organization does not see whatever ambiguity you see. Morally straight may seem like an unclear standard to you, but I assure you fvcking a boy's mother and breaking up a family is not ambiguous at all.


"Morally straight" leaves it up to the individual to interpret. It IS ambiguous. Some people do not think its wrong to steal bread to feed a starving family. And some people don't think its wrong to bang a married woman if they are single because, "They aren't the ones who took the vows..."



bandit.45 said:


> When I was a Den Leader I had to undergo a criminal background check and go through the YPP (youth protection program) training where you learn to take care of the kids. I never once heard anything about not fvcking the kids' moms. That topic just never came up.


This is my point. There's pages and pages of documentation basically telling you, you are not allowed to diddle the kids and NOT ONE sentence about not diddling the mom. This is disgraceful and disappointing to say the least. Something tells me it's no accident the topic is not on the table.


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Saw the same sh!t behavior go on when my son was involved in youth sports... in Little League, "Team Mom" was sleeping with one of the coaches. Hmmm, little Johnny seemed to start every game.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> "Morally straight" leaves it up to the individual to interpret. It IS ambiguous. Some people do not think its wrong to steal bread to feed a starving family. And some people don't think its wrong to bang a married woman if they are single because, "They aren't the ones who took the vows..."
> 
> 
> 
> This is my point. There's pages and pages of documentation basically telling you, you are not allowed to diddle the kids and NOT ONE sentence about not diddling the mom. This is disgraceful and disappointing to say the least. Something tells me it's no accident the topic is not on the table.


Yes, and what is more disappointing is that, as a national organization, the BSA is really behind the times when it comes to keeping up with societal changes. It is somewhat understandable: they are an old-fashioned boy's-only club that embraces traditional values and pay homage to a heavenly Creator. As misguided as it is, they actually expect the people who work for them to behave themselves like adults. In this day and age you cannot simply expect that anymore, nor can you just rely on implied agreements only. 

They should have very strict behavioral contracts in place for Troop and Den leaders. They should hold their Pack Commanders accountable for the Troop and Den Leaders under their charge, and give those commanders more control over the enlisting and firing of the men and women under their command. With all the lawsuits against the BSA coming from militant feminist organizations, LGBT groups and ant-religious groups, you would think they would get a better handle on all this stuff.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

RWB said:


> Saw the same sh!t behavior go on when my son was involved in youth sports... in Little League, "Team Mom" was sleeping with one of the coaches. Hmmm, little Johnny seemed to start every game.


Every youth program should require it's volunteers to sign behavioral contracts.


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> "Morally straight" leaves it up to the individual to interpret. It IS ambiguous. Some people do not think its wrong to steal bread to feed a starving family. And some people don't think its wrong to bang a married woman if they are single because, "They aren't the ones who took the vows..."
> 
> 
> 
> This is my point. There's pages and pages of documentation basically telling you, you are not allowed to diddle the kids and NOT ONE sentence about not diddling the mom. This is disgraceful and disappointing to say the least. Something tells me it's no accident the topic is not on the table.




Couldn't disagree more. It is definitely NOT up to the individual to decide. It's up to the local leadership to decide. And BSA has correctly, IMO, decided NOT to create a legalistic regulatory system of behavioral conduct that can be easily gamed by arguments like you are making.

Our financial, regulatory, and tax structure is based on specifying what people and organizations can and can not do. In response, some of our best minds work 24/7 creating legal and financial structures that don't violate the "letter of the law".

In decades of scouting - and life dealing with former scouts - I have yet to meet one who wouldn't quickly remove the OM cancer from the system.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Couldn't disagree more. It is definitely NOT up to the individual to decide. It's up to the local leadership to decide. And BSA has correctly, IMO, decided NOT to create a legalistic regulatory system of behavioral conduct that can be easily gamed by arguments like you are making.
> 
> Our financial, regulatory, and tax structure is based on specifying what people and organizations can and can not do. In response, some of our best minds work 24/7 creating legal and financial structures that don't violate the "letter of the law".
> 
> ...


I agree in part. But I think the BSA needs some kind of disciplinary structure in place and in writing.


----------



## destroyd (Feb 20, 2015)

I hope you have got some hard evidence that there is an affair- and have saved it away somewhere out of her reach. You find yourself getting a divorce and may not care, but get ready to be painted (if not already) a bad husband to friends, family, and the rest of the scout families. She will say things have been bad for years even when they weren't. She'll do it as her 'out' of the marriage and to try and save her reputation. The thing is- with no evidence to the contrary- people tend to believe the cheating wives. Her reaction to the confrontation says that she is probably way ahead of you in this game. I'd secretly carry a VAR on me to protect from DV charges and to capture anything else she says admitting to the affair.


----------



## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Every youth program should require it's volunteers to sign behavioral contracts.


they are typically assumed contracts. THough USA hockey makes coaches take a training course and specifically talks about having a romantic relationship with the parent of a player as out of bounds (not sure of the exact wording, but the intent is to scare you from doing it, under the threat of exposure and expulsion). Little League is truly there, we had a big wig in our org kicked out for 'romantic' reasons.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

destroyd said:


> If it didnt affect her employment or your finances in any way, which I can't see how it could, I'd expose the hell out of them.


If she is fogged up with the affair, she may go easily in the divorce. She may actually support a quick divorce, and she may not seek a settlement unfavorable to OP. Iow, a quick uncontested divorce may be much to the advantage of OP. 

But if the affair is nuked by exposure she may contest everything. She may get angry and vindictive.

The threat of exposure could be motivation for her to play fair in the divorce.

We all know the difference between a scorched earth divorce and an uncontested divorce, and we know a father is at a big disadvantage in family court to begin with. Exposure very well could have a large negative impact on OP. Hence my opinion not to expose prior to finalizing the divorce unless there is a specific advantage to do so. 

Finally, while OM is scum, it is not OP's duty to prevent married women from entering into consensual affairs with him at the expense of his own family's welfare. Contrast a good divorce settlement vs a bad one. That would be the price OP could suffer. Years of financial devastation, little time with his kids, the emotional anguish of getting screwed over in court.

So, file fast, get WW to agree to a quick, fair, uncontested divorce. The when OP's position is safe, expose widely.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

If she does contest the divorce, there's no reason not to expose immediately.


----------

