# Serious question



## Ynot

I read these posts that seem to imply that the only person one has ever had sex with is/was their current or ex spouse. Just curious as to how many that is true of. I am curious as to how many partners you have been with before (if any), during, and after and since you became divorced/separated, cheated or entered into an open relationship.


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## WorkingWife

Ynot said:


> I read these posts that seem to imply that the only person one has ever had sex with is/was their current or ex spouse. Just curious as to how many that is true of. I am curious as to how many partners you have been with before (if any), during, and after and since you became divorced/separated, cheated or entered into an open relationship.


I've been with one person since filing for divorce. I'd tell you how many I was with prior to marriage, but then I'd have to kill myself. Just kidding, it wasn't that many, but enough that I don't have an exact number that comes to mind, I have to stop and think back many years...


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## 2ntnuf

Only with first wife, then two, then second wife, none since, during or after second wife(I'm not a cheater). I'm a special case, though. I've been through things that would make your head spin. I'm older, am afraid and have since been diagnosed with some issues that no woman would want to deal with. I also find very few women in my age group who make me want to have sex. I'm sure they feel the same about me. 

Surprisingly, since I have been divorced, I have had several women interested in me. Two made it well known they wanted me. One wanted me to ask her out. Another told me she was interested, but being a supervisor made it difficult or impossible. One just recently asked after talking for two minutes, if I wanted her phone number. I told her I wasn't that kind of guy. Some lady heard her and started laughing at the woman. She wasn't physically attractive(to me), nor was our conversation scintillating. 

I would guess I am one of very few who will offer you any information. I'm not proud of myself. It is my life. I would rather it be different. There is too much of my own crap to deal with for me to ever want to bother again. Some say, I am still young. At 56, I suppose I'm not dead. I don't feel that age. I feel 76 or more. Stick a fork in me, I'm done. And, I care less and less over time.


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## Ynot

WorkingWife said:


> I've been with one person since filing for divorce. I'd tell you how many I was with prior to marriage, but then I'd have to kill myself. Just kidding, it wasn't that many, but enough that I don't have an exact number that comes to mind, I have to stop and think back many years...


I am not necessarily looking for an exact number. If you feel more comfortable thinking within a range or less than or greater than, that is fine too.


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## Red Sonja

A few partners before marriage, one during marriage (28 years), a few since the divorce. I have never been in an open relationship (to my knowledge) because my exH forgot to tell me about it ... that was the "final straw" that led me to divorce him.


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## oldshirt

Is there more to this question than just wanting to know how many people everyone has had sex with like some "what is your 'number'?" thread on some PUA website?

Asking adults how many knotches they have on their bedposts seems a bit sophomoric at best. 

Is there something a little deeper and more meaningful that you are wanting to know rather than just how many people we've been with in bed??


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## Ynot

oldshirt said:


> Is there more to this question than just wanting to know how many people everyone has had sex with like some "what is your 'number'?" thread on some PUA website?
> 
> Asking adults how many knotches they have on their bedposts seems a bit sophomoric at best.
> 
> Is there something a little deeper and more meaningful that you are wanting to know rather than just how many people we've been with in bed??


No, I am not asking that at all for the reasons you state. I am asking it out of trying to attempt to understand the logic and reasoning of some people when they post. Some appear to live under the idea that marriage should only happen between spouses and that they either have, will or are saving themselves for marriage. I am not trying to be sophomoric, quite the opposite in fact. I am simply trying to understand.
Have these people never experimented? How do they even know what they would or would not enjoy? While the physical act is entirely natural, there is more to it than that.


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## Faithful Wife

Ynot said:


> oldshirt said:
> 
> 
> 
> Is there more to this question than just wanting to know how many people everyone has had sex with like some "what is your 'number'?" thread on some PUA website?
> 
> Asking adults how many knotches they have on their bedposts seems a bit sophomoric at best.
> 
> Is there something a little deeper and more meaningful that you are wanting to know rather than just how many people we've been with in bed??
> 
> 
> 
> No, I am not asking that at all for the reasons you state. I am asking it out of trying to attempt to understand the logic and reasoning of some people when they post. Some appear to live under the idea that marriage should only happen between spouses and that they either have, will or are saving themselves for marriage. I am not trying to be sophomoric, quite the opposite in fact. I am simply trying to understand.
> Have these people never experimented? How do they even know what they would or would not enjoy? While the physical act is entirely natural, there is more to it than that.
Click to expand...

If you mean people who have only had one partner but they do have one, who is to say they have not experimented a lot with that partner? The best, most experimental sex I’ve ever had was within a long term committed relationship.

Or do you mean “experiment” only in the sense of experiencing more than one person?

I have experienced more than one person and it definitely is something I’ve enjoyed. However, if I had only experienced the one partner who was the best fit with me I wouldn’t need or want to experience anyone else. Knowing that I could have all the great sex I wanted with just him, I was always happy and satisfied with that.

Granted, that would not be true if I was only with him and the sex wasn’t good. Then I would be eventually seeking something else.

So it doesn’t actually require more than one partner to have all the great sex. It does depend on the partner however.


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## 269370

Ynot said:


> I read these posts that seem to imply that the only person one has ever had sex with is/was their current or ex spouse. Just curious as to how many that is true of. I am curious as to how many partners you have been with before (if any), during, and after and since you became divorced/separated, cheated or entered into an open relationship.




I met my wife when I was 16 (she was 15) and we got together about a year later (she was half dating someone else). We had sex about 6 month after we got together; we were both virgins. 
However she has kissed a couple of other people before me (as far as I know, she didn’t do anything else). I did have 3-4 girls I was intimate with before her (just some touching and bit of oral, no sex).
This was my ‘experimenting’. Most of it was meh. One girl, I was sexually attracted with and it was better than others. But with the other 3, it was pretty horrible. There was nothing wrong with them, I just wasn’t that into them.

I remember the realisation when i started doing sexual stuff with my wife: it was as if a massive veil was lifted and it felt so right and incredible. Like: “omg, that’s what it’s supposed to be like!” And she wasn’t an expert in bed or anything (opposite actually). But that’s what I mean when I don’t really know what people mean when they say “she is so amazing in bed” or “I’m so skilful” etc. IMO, no skill trumps that sexual chemistry. I think if my wife just lay there unconscious, it would still be 1000 times better for me than any of the girls I have been with before ('unconscious' not against her will or anything....I am not promoting rape just to be clear, so don't go all Terminator on me, if that was different in your experience 

Would you rather be stuck eating food that you normally don’t like but that was presented well, or your favourite food that you adore but from a simple bowl and with a wooden spoon?

I think it must be terrible if you are with someone and have some reservations (sexually). I don’t think I could, even if I had minor reservations (knowing what it’s like being with someone you feel so strongly about). I would never be truly satisfied. That’s why I sometimes wonder whether she feels the same about me (as she has nobody to compare me with and there maybe somebody she would feel more sexually attracted to). I know there isn’t anyone else for me I could be more attracted to.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 269370

Ps: if we did ‘save ourselves’, it wasn’t deliberate. In a way I wished I did less stuff with other girls before we met but then maybe I wouldn’t truly appreciate the enormous difference.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 2ntnuf

Ynot said:


> No, I am not asking that at all for the reasons you state. I am asking it out of trying to attempt to understand the logic and reasoning of some people when they post. Some appear to live under the idea that marriage should only happen between spouses and that they either have, will or are saving themselves for marriage. I am not trying to be sophomoric, quite the opposite in fact. I am simply trying to understand.
> Have these people never experimented? How do they even know what they would or would not enjoy? While the physical act is entirely natural, there is more to it than that.


Well, lots of things that I know today, I didn't think were common years ago. Most, I had no clue about. I really didn't know anyone personally that was as open then, as today. If they were, even slightly, all I'd have to do is hear someone say something and feel in my gut that I had no desire to do what they were telling me. Most times, I figured they just wanted to try to gross me out, like some sort of gross joke. Maybe they were serious? 

I can remember seeing some magazine someone had and just staring for a minute. I was asked if I thought I liked what I saw. I said something like, no, it's so shocking I can't take my eyes away, which woke me out of my state of why, what, who type of thinking I was a bit stuck in. 

I just never wanted to experiment all that much, but when I did, I quickly realized fantasy and reality were not the same. I gave up on attempting to reproduce fantasy and kept it where it belonged, in fantasy land. 

Those women who were more aggressive and open struck fear in me. I had no desire for them. I knew they were out of my league, if you will. And, what they wanted felt a bit creepy and gross. 

I always wanted one woman, one best friend, one lover, one partner, one confidant, one woman who would be one half of the whole of the union of souls of the sacrament of marriage as I wanted to be with her. 

I knew from an early age that someone who dated lots and had lots of sex would hurt themselves by semi falling in love and then leaving them for another. They would become calloused to those natural feelings of bonding and desire the feelings of initial infatuation and lust, and have trouble bonding long term due to the walls built by their lifestyle. I had no clue what brain chemicals were involved. I had no reason to doubt my own feelings simply from dating and meeting and talking with women. I figured the feelings had to be the same, though much more intense, once sex was shared. 

As far as learning all kinds of techniques, I guess I figured the woman who loves me and I love will be open enough with me because she loves me and wants to be loved, that she would tell me what works for her during sex, plus, I'd pay close attention to her body, her sounds, her reactions and get clues. It worked okay. It isn't my fault, if she can't tell me what she wants, yet wants something. 

Also, I was pretty open after a while with the woman I wanted. I talked about things I might like to try, that were floating in my fantasies. If she couldn't talk about those things, I didn't want to pursue her further. There are lots of tough things to discuss in a marriage and that was a sign of things to come. Basically, I knew there would be little talk and sharing of feelings and difficulties. I knew that would lead to issues in the marriage and being blamed for things I had no clue she wanted from me in sex, and her life with me. I wasn't all about me. I wanted to please her by doing as much as I could that she wanted without losing myself. Have to talk, discuss and compromise or sometimes even give in, to do that. 

I've realized just how difficult that is to find, so I also know that I might be having sex with some woman who doesn't really want to have sex, but can only give clues that I'm going to miss. Then, it's kinda rape, right? Even back then, I didn't want to have sex with a woman who wasn't all in, because it was creepy and unsatisfying. I wanted a reasonably enthusiastic partner with an open mind, though maybe not so experienced I feel like a child. That's gross, too. 

All of this makes life difficult. It is what it is.


Wanted to edit to say that this happened for me, over time. It's creepy to discuss early on, but after some time of knowing each other and talking about things, the time will come to talk about these things. It may not happen at all, which is in most cases. Didn't want anyone to think I was asking on the first date or second. No, it takes time to trust anyone enough to talk about these things. There is no definitive timing, but there is a point when you both know it's time to talk about sex.


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## FalCod

I've forgotten the term for it, but there is a term for the closeness of a relationship that someone needs to be in to feel comfortable having sex. The distribution is a bell curve with male's having their curve shifted considerably more towards the "no relationship" side. I am a male that falls very far on the "close relationship" side. That is, I have never had a strong desire or interest in having sex with someone that I wasn't in a deep and committed relationship with. So for me, the count is roughly the number of deep and committed relationships that I've had, which is a very small number.

I don't feel like I'm missing anything. In fact, I've always thought that those that have frequent sex with uncommitted partners probably don't get the same deep sense of connection that comes from having sex with someone you are committed to or that is what they would be craving. But, to each his own.


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## Don't Panic

Married 22 years and counting. I had a few partners throughout the years prior to forsaking all others for my husband. We met in college. I've never had a one night stand...an emotional connection was definitely a required component of sexuality, _for me_. Obviously those prior relationships didn't last. A few broken hearts, no STDs, no unplanned progeny, no regrets at all.

Navigating mid-life and a long term marriage, I'm grateful for all the fun experiences of my blissful youth. Knowing what was/is possible provides the inspiration to keep things fun and exciting for both of us today- as we sip bourbon together in our rockers on the porch...naked lol. I do miss that youthful stamina, but we both still look good in those rockers, that helps! Annnnd as the partner primarily responsible for creating those adventurous and exciting encounters, such as naked-porch-time, it sometimes feels a bit one-sided, but that's a different thread for a different day. 

There have been no additional notches on my bedpost since marriage, but I don't feel I'm missing anything. I could probably recall my exact "number" prior to marriage, but it has been a loooong time and I never really thought about it. Maybe that's unusual. My husband never asked and didn't seem to care, and neither did I.


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## Married but Happy

I'd estimate 8 or 9 before my first marriage, and about the same after my separation/divorce, before my second marriage. Many more since the second marriage, as we've been poly, swingers, and have an open relationship. First marriage was completely monogamous. In both marriages my spouse also had a variety of partners previously.


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## Sue4473

My husband was the first, then after we divorced I was involved in 2 relationships that sex was involved. One partner was ok, but the second one whew showed me things I never knew lol!
We occasionally hook up when we are in between cause no matter how long we go without seeing one another, we want to rip each others clothes off chemistry. 
Dang I miss him!


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## EveningThoughts

You ask:
Have these people never experimented? How do they even know what they would or would not enjoy?

I answer:
I'm pretty sure I always knew what I would enjoy sexually, but wasn't sure I could find that in a partner. I was very HD and wanted kink.

My first sexual relationship lasted about 5 years but I struggled with the idea of monogamy as it wasn't fulfilling my kink needs. I knew I was capable of more. He cheated.

There was a short FB relationship after that. He stealthed me.

Then a ONS with a guy I slightly knew turned into a 26 year relationship because we had the chemistry and both needed and loved to experiment and learn more sexually. Pity I didn't meet him first.

So yes you can experiment in the right relationship if the sexual chemistry is there, and learn what you enjoy without having to change partners. 
That might be enough for those who don't have a high need of sexual discovery, or other sides of themselves that they can't explore whilst married.

Eve


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## Rowan

My ex-husband was my first sexual relationship. I had no other partners during our 21 years together. After our divorce, I had two relationships of several months duration before meeting my SO. We have been together for 3 years, and are monogamous. So, my to-date lifetime 'number' is four. 

I really enjoy sex, but I really have no desire to have it outside of an exclusive relationship. I just prefer to have that emotional connection and level of trust. And a fairly limited number of partners hasn't left me feeling as if I've missed out on anything. There's been plenty of excitement, experimentation, and variety within the relationships I've had.


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## MEM2020

I think you might find that some women would react positively to the level of transparency you are able to offer. 





2ntnuf said:


> Only with first wife, then two, then second wife, none since, during or after second wife(I'm not a cheater). I'm a special case, though. I've been through things that would make your head spin. I'm older, am afraid and have since been diagnosed with some issues that no woman would want to deal with. I also find very few women in my age group who make me want to have sex. I'm sure they feel the same about me.
> 
> Surprisingly, since I have been divorced, I have had several women interested in me. Two made it well known they wanted me. One wanted me to ask her out. Another told me she was interested, but being a supervisor made it difficult or impossible. One just recently asked after talking for two minutes, if I wanted her phone number. I told her I wasn't that kind of guy. Some lady heard her and started laughing at the woman. She wasn't physically attractive(to me), nor was our conversation scintillating.
> 
> I would guess I am one of very few who will offer you any information. I'm not proud of myself. It is my life. I would rather it be different. There is too much of my own crap to deal with for me to ever want to bother again. Some say, I am still young. At 56, I suppose I'm not dead. I don't feel that age. I feel 76 or more. Stick a fork in me, I'm done. And, I care less and less over time.


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## Mr. Nail

I'm Demi, so I don't have sex outside of emotionally committed relationships. I don't even think of it, I'm not attracted to the idea, it doesn't turn me on. I always thought that was normal, but I am coming to learn how strange I am.

As for this:


Ynot said:


> -clip- Some appear to live under the idea that marriage should only happen between spouses -clip-


Yes indeed I agree with that "idea". Spouses are generally married.


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## Ynot

Mr. Nail said:


> I'm Demi, so I don't have sex outside of emotionally committed relationships. I don't even think of it, I'm not attracted to the idea, it doesn't turn me on. I always thought that was normal, but I am coming to learn how strange I am.
> 
> As for this:
> 
> Yes indeed I agree with that "idea". Spouses are generally married.


Good catch. A product of editing. I meant to say "many would argue that sex should only take place within the confines of marriage" So my question is how did they arrive at the point of marriage absent any sex or is it just something they say now that they are married?


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## personofinterest

Why do I feel like this entire thread is just one giant piece of bait…


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## Mr. Nail

Ynot said:


> Good catch. A product of editing. I meant to say "many would argue that sex should only take place within the confines of marriage" So my question is how did they arrive at the point of marriage absent any sex or is it just something they say now that they are married?


Being Demi and not fully sexual, for me the commitment came first. The paperwork was easier than the sex. I think you need an answer from someone closer to you on that spectrum.


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## Ynot

personofinterest said:


> Why do I feel like this entire thread is just one giant piece of bait…


I don't know, why don't you tell us. I asked a serious question. You are under no obligation to answer it. But since you chimed in with your two cents please explain why you think this is "bait" whatever that is?


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## Ynot

Mr. Nail said:


> Being Demi and not fully sexual, for me the commitment came first. The paperwork was easier than the sex. I think you need an answer from someone closer to you on that spectrum.


Why would you think I need an answer from someone closer to me on that spectrum. I simply asked a question. As I stated before there is no nefarious intent here. I am only seeking to try to understand where folks are coming from. Thank you for answering my question, now I know how you think.


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## Mr. Nail

I don't think that the musings of a moose would be very helpful to a horse.
The real question is, is this truly a "serious question". Which is why it feels like a trap. 
Like me you have always thought that your position on the spectrum, from asexual to raging horn dog (for lack of a proper descriptor), was the way everyone thought. and with that presumption often comes the idea that since most people are just like you then that is the "Right" way to be. You are being very careful not to label others as bad, and your search for understanding is commendable, but we who are in minority (well there is not enough real research to say who is in a minority, so presumed minority) are so often attacked that we tend to see an ambush around every corner.


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## personofinterest

I was a virgin when I married in my mid 20's, as was my ex husband.

For me, it was marking time. I knew I was very physical and sexual, and I was just waiting for the "green light." I planned to have LOTS of fun making up for lost time once I was pronounced wife 

For him....well, what I thought was gentlemanly faithfulness to "purity" was just a lack of interest all around. I won't retell that whole story.

But my point is, it was not my desire to wait until marriage or have only one partner in life that deterred me from experimenting during my first marriage. It was my spouse.

So I think the underlying supposition that people who wait or only have one life partner are boring on top of being - you know - weirdo, anti-intellectual religious idiots, is not entirely accurate.

I don't know about every person's sex life. But I do have enough lifelong women friends who waited like I did who have wild stories to brag about to know that one sexual partner does not equal no experimenting or vanilla only.


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## Bananapeel

Pre marriage I had some partners and post D I had significantly more. Women have always looked at me as having relationship potential but it wasn't until after I got D that I realized I could decline their relationship requests and just date them without commitment if I wanted and they were mostly OK with that scenario. So prior to M I was mostly in exclusive relationships and post D I was mostly in non-exclusive relationships.


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## Ynot

Mr. Nail said:


> I don't think that the musings of a moose would be very helpful to a horse.
> The real question is, is this truly a "serious question". Which is why it feels like a trap.
> Like me you have always thought that your position on the spectrum, from asexual to raging horn dog (for lack of a proper descriptor), was the way everyone thought. and with that presumption often comes the idea that since most people are just like you then that is the "Right" way to be. You are being very careful not to label others as bad, and your search for understanding is commendable, but we who are in minority (well there is not enough real research to say who is in a minority, so presumed minority) are so often attacked that we tend to see an ambush around every corner.


You are certainly correct about the moose and the horse. But I am not a moose and you are not a horse or vice versa. We are both human beings, as is everybody else who posts on this forum. I am just interested in understanding the thinking of other human beings. I really do not care one way or the other who you are or what you have become. I guess I am interested in how did you get there. Because sometimes I wonder if people actually think about how the got to where they are and why did whatever happen to them happen to them. Rather they simply accept that it did without reflection and continue down the same path doing the same things yet hoping for a different outcome.


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## Mr. Nail

Ah, the people that are different than me, are sick and got that way from some traumatic accident theory. 

Here try this on for size. I don't need a large variety of sexual partners, because unlike you I did not waste away my youth wacking off to piles of porn. Or would you just rather be a horse?
OR, I don't need a large variety of sexual partners , because unlike you My junior high girlfriend didn't cheat on me.
OR, I don't need a large number of sexual partners because my parents showed love more than yours did.

Remember from my point of view, I'm the one who is like everybody else and you are the different one. Are you really so sure that everyone is alike in this area?


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## Ynot

Mr. Nail said:


> Ah, the people that are different than me, are sick and got that way from some traumatic accident theory.
> 
> Here try this on for size. I don't need a large variety of sexual partners, because unlike you I did not waste away my youth wacking off to piles of porn. Or would you just rather be a horse?
> OR, I don't need a large variety of sexual partners , because unlike you My junior high girlfriend didn't cheat on me.
> OR, I don't need a large number of sexual partners because my parents showed love more than yours did.
> 
> Remember from my point of view, I'm the one who is like everybody else and you are the different one. Are you really so sure that everyone is alike in this area?


WTH are you talking about? You accuse me of wasting my youth away whacking off to pile of porn, which is insulting and untrue. Then you say my JHS girl friend cheated on me and that my parents didn't love me? 

You make a lot of truly uninformed assumptions here It seems that if anyone has issues it is probably you. So if you can't add anything to the thread, I would ask that you keep your ignorant opinions and assumptions to yourself.


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## MattMatt

*Moderator message:-*

Please, folks! Keep it civil!


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## september_sky

Ynot said:


> I read these posts that seem to imply that the only person one has ever had sex with is/was their current or ex spouse. Just curious as to how many that is true of. I am curious as to how many partners you have been with before (if any), during, and after and since you became divorced/separated, cheated or entered into an open relationship.


My husband was married once before he got with me and she was the only person he had ever been with. And I’m not just talking about sex. She was the only serious relationship he had ever been in. He got with me soon after they split up, so I’m the second and last person he has ever been with. My husband is also the first person that I’ve ever been with. He was my first everything.


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## Ynot

september_sky said:


> My husband was married once before he got with me and she was the only person he had ever been with. And I’m not just talking about sex. She was the only serious relationship he had ever been in. He got with me soon after they split up, so I’m the second and last person he has ever been with. My husband is also the first person that I’ve ever been with. He was my first everything.


What are your ages and how has that worked out for you?


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