# Trying to make it right between us



## grndlvl2000 (Feb 20, 2013)

Recently found out my wife has been talking to another guy. I know that recently she has been distant, but never in a million years couldve seen this coming. We both for apparently have communication issues. This past Friday she told me that she has been talking to one of her drivers at work (lives 3 hours away). I guess just the busy lives we live and the constant routine we had, she just didnt feel appreciated anymore. This is not something thats in her character at all, she has never cheated on anyone. She has had many issues with depression in the past and told me that she has been crying in the car before coming home prior to Friday. She said it was tearing her up inside that she has feelings for someone else. She came clean and told me about him and everything that has happened. She said yesterday that she broke it off with him, but her job still requires to have some interaction with him on a daily basis. I have been trying to appreciate her more and listening to everything she has to say. Doing things for her just so she doesnt have to. But now she says Im smuthering her. Im just lost now. I cant stand knowing that I pushed her away and am trying everything I can think of to fix it. I feel like if I just leave her alone and give her space she may just turn to him for attention. She doesnt want me to leave. Just not sure how to make it work.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

It’s a catch-22, you being nice to her is repulsing her yet that was her biggest complaint (so she thinks).

The problem is that it’s not why this happened, nothing you did (or didn’t do) caused this to happen THUS changing your behavior is not going to fix your marriage. The problem is with her, not you. You are letting her off the hook because you blame yourself but it’s NOT your fault and you need to get that through your head ASAP.

You are not going to nice back into the M, all you’ll do is make her feel guilty and make yourself look needy and insecure. What you are doing is “too little too late” and like I said, it’s not your fault to begin with. You need to take a tough love approach and let her know you will not tolerate what she did and you now have one foot out the door. She needs to get her head straight if she wants to continue to stay married to you.

She has to fix this, not you which is why you are failing.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Are you SURE there is no PA? Trickle truth runs rampant here.

Did you go to her or she to you? 

How did you find out?

Ages?, length of marriage? kids?

How much unaccounted time does she have?

Other red flags? Texts? Pics? FB?

BTW you are at least dealing with an EA. TONS of threads start with "My wife/hubby is having an EA" and end up fvckfests. No not nearly all but you need to investigate quietly.


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## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

You have one shot at this so listen carefully. There is a good chance this is more than you think. She could be using this as her justification for leaving without feeling guilty. The old I gave him a chance bit. But in reality she is not giving you a chance because she has feelings for some other guy and anything you do is seen as needy or controlling. To steal that attraction back the last thing you want to do is act like a child trying to get his way. Stand up for yourself in a dominant manner and tell her how this is making you feel and that it is unacceptable behavior. These feelings didn’t just start out of nowhere there was some sort of escalation and you need to know what is really going on. Ask her to explain details of how it happened when the “feelings”started, what she talked with him about, does he know about these feelings, if so how, do they go to lunch together, has she been to his house, does she know where he lives, etc. Check cell phone email and computer details to determine what who and when this happening. Take charge of your life and show her that you have some self-respect and she will respect you and may begin to be attracted to you again as you show you are more dominant than the other guy. Now this won’t be easy and will not happen immediately as you have set the stage for who has the power and how you would usually react. This will be a shock to her system and she will push back, but give it time to settle in and she may come around. You may want to make sure this hasn’t gone further than you think because maybe you don’t want to turn it around.


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## grndlvl2000 (Feb 20, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Are you SURE there is no PA? Trickle truth runs rampant here.
> 
> Did you go to her or she to you?
> 
> ...


We have been together going on 6 years, married for 4. Dont have any children. She has told me everything which only started about 3 weeks ago. Friday is when she told it all though. Im 31, shes 29 and this other guy is 44 who lives 3 hours away and is getting divorced, so he says to her anyway. Ive noticed that she has been texting alot more and had her phone on silent. After she told me she broke it off with him, her phone is not silenced anymore. I really want to trust her but dont know if Im wasting my time and its too late.


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## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

I really want to trust her but dont know if Im wasting my time and its too late. 
That is exactly what you say, "I no longer trust you and am worried i am wasting my time, what are you willing to do to solve that" and have your own list of requirements at the ready. This is a test and yo are currently failing. Last piece of advice, do not believe anything she says, only what she does. Also look for possibilities that he dumped her or lost interest in her and that is why she is talkin.


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## grndlvl2000 (Feb 20, 2013)

skip76 said:


> You have one shot at this so listen carefully. There is a good chance this is more than you think. She could be using this as her justification for leaving without feeling guilty. The old I gave him a chance bit. But in reality she is not giving you a chance because she has feelings for some other guy and anything you do is seen as needy or controlling. To steal that attraction back the last thing you want to do is act like a child trying to get his way. Stand up for yourself in a dominant manner and tell her how this is making you feel and that it is unacceptable behavior. These feelings didn’t just start out of nowhere there was some sort of escalation and you need to know what is really going on. Ask her to explain details of how it happened when the “feelings”started, what she talked with him about, does he know about these feelings, if so how, do they go to lunch together, has she been to his house, does she know where he lives, etc. Check cell phone email and computer details to determine what who and when this happening. Take charge of your life and show her that you have some self-respect and she will respect you and may begin to be attracted to you again as you show you are more dominant than the other guy. Now this won’t be easy and will not happen immediately as you have set the stage for who has the power and how you would usually react. This will be a shock to her system and she will push back, but give it time to settle in and she may come around. You may want to make sure this hasn’t gone further than you think because maybe you don’t want to turn it around.


She talked/texted him on Monday on her lunch break, but felt guilty and told me. I did the only thing I could think of, since I was furious. I started packing and informed her of that, if I were to leave it would be back to the state Im originally from and she knows that. When she got home I made sure I was still in the process of doing it. I took my ring off and put it next to her, while she sat there watching and crying telling me this isnt what she wants. Told her I have no choice and that whatever she has with this other guy needs to end for me to stay. Thats also the night that her sister came by to talk to us about it all. The next morning she woke me up and told me to put my ring back on, also telling me that she ended it during that day.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

She needs to leave that job immediately. If she balks at that, then you'll know where you stand. If she stays, this WILL escalate to a PA, assuming it hasn't already. Make no mistake about it.


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## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

grndlvl2000 said:


> She talked/texted him on Monday on her lunch break, but felt guilty and told me. I did the only thing I could think of, since I was furious. I started packing and informed her of that, if I were to leave it would be back to the state Im originally from and she knows that. When she got home I made sure I was still in the process of doing it. I took my ring off and put it next to her, while she sat there watching and crying telling me this isnt what she wants. Told her I have no choice and that whatever she has with this other guy needs to end for me to stay. Thats also the night that her sister came by to talk to us about it all. The next morning she woke me up and told me to put my ring back on, also telling me that she ended it during that day.


How did she prove this, are you supposed to believe a liar. Why is she telling you this, because she felt guilty? Guilty of what, feelings? i don't think so. Problem now is she thinks you were willing to leave over that you will never know what really went down. Ask her for her phone and be ready to recover deleted texts and see how she panics? If her sister came over this is more than just feelings. She needs to bear the proof to alleviate your mind. Be prepared as i think this is just the beginning. A decent start though for an amateur, some of us here are pros and can betrayed with the best of them. It is best to have an outside set of eyes giving advice because they see evrything for what it is ithout blinders on. I suggest getting a voice activated recorder for her car, and spy software on her phone if possible.


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## grndlvl2000 (Feb 20, 2013)

3putt said:


> She needs to leave that job immediately. If she balks at that, then you'll know where you stand. If she stays, this WILL escalate to a PA, assuming it hasn't already. Make no mistake about it.


I told her she needs to quit, she wont, she really likes her job and it took her 2 years to get a job. She is telling me that she loves me again, she stopped for a while and the fact that she's telling about him, shows that she cares about me.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

grndlvl2000 said:


> She talked/texted him on Monday on her lunch break, but felt guilty and told me. I did the only thing I could think of, since I was furious. I started packing and informed her of that, if I were to leave it would be back to the state Im originally from and she knows that. When she got home I made sure I was still in the process of doing it. I took my ring off and put it next to her, while she sat there watching and crying telling me this isnt what she wants. Told her I have no choice and that whatever she has with this other guy needs to end for me to stay. Thats also the night that her sister came by to talk to us about it all. The next morning she woke me up and told me to put my ring back on, also telling me that she ended it during that day.


Bravo good start. except she needs to pack.

Dude that is contact afterward. A BIG no no. She needs to agree to live completely transparent.

No I dont see hopeless yet and my history here is calling hopeless early.


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## grndlvl2000 (Feb 20, 2013)

Im great full for everyone's help and advice on here. I dont really have anywhere else to turn to for it. I dont want to tell my family because if we do stay together I dont want them looking down on her. Ive already had a failed marriage due to infidelity and she knows that. Ive always had trust issues due to all my past relationships. She knew she was the only girl Ive ever been with that I could 100% without question trust. I still love her very much and would like to take action but at the same time, if shes telling me the truth about it all and wants us to work. I dont want to damage that, to where it pushes her back in to him.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

You have to play hardball here and I am betting you still do not know the whole story. Tell her to quit the job or pack a bag and get out.

It sounds like at this point she has admitted to an EA but chances are high that it was a PA.

She cannot work at the same place and she needs to write an NC letter and give it to you to mail. Also expose what you know does this POS have a GF or Wife. They need to know. If you do not expose, do not make her quit at some point it will be back on with the two of them.

Have you demanded that she share emails, phone records, FB account and passwords. This is also a must and right now.


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## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

grndlvl2000 said:


> I told her she needs to quit, she wont, she really likes her job and it took her 2 years to get a job. She is telling me that she loves me again, she stopped for a while and the fact that she's telling about him, shows that she cares about me.


Look at her actions not her words, she is just saying what you want or need to hear. Look at actions. example.

words - i love you and want to work on marriage (easy)
actions - quitting my job for our marriage (hard)

so she said she loved you, congratulations. 

just think about that, what have you done for her to magically be in love with yo again? Nothing, they are just words, two days ago she couldn't stop herself from talking with OM bu know she loves you. Does she think you're an idiot?


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

grndlvl2000 said:


> Im great full for everyone's help and advice on here. I dont really have anywhere else to turn to for it. I dont want to tell my family because if we do stay together I dont want them looking down on her. Ive already had a failed marriage due to infidelity and she knows that. Ive always had trust issues due to all my past relationships. She knew she was the only girl Ive ever been with that I could 100% without question trust. I still love her very much and would like to take action but at the same time, if shes telling me the truth about it all and wants us to work. I dont want to damage that, to where it pushes her back in to him.


I know that is what it seems like you should do but that is 100% wrong! Expsose to family and friends right away. If she is telling the truth? That is a big fing IF. She needs to give notice today or leave


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You need a VAR in her car and one in the house asap!


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