# Need some advice on ending wifes affair



## Deaner (Apr 4, 2011)

Quick details and will expand on them if needed. 

Married 22 years as of today (Happy Anniversary, NOT). W is having a physical affair with a divorced Father of one of my 10 year olds friends. Affair is not sexual yet, was found in time (by my 21 year old daughter at the EA phase), only kissing (found by a friend of mine making out in a park). She is being watched and tracked heavily and I am almost 100% sure that they have not gotten past 1st base so to speak.

Affair started as an EA. W seems hell bent on continuing this because "he's a real good friend", "he understands me", etc, etc. Said many of the scripted things such as "I Love you I'm just not in love with you", "I need my space", etc. She has told me that she has stopped "seeing him" but will continue to talk and text him. Unacceptable. I also think she is still trying to sneak little visits to him but I and the kids and friends are making this difficult.

We also have 2 adult kids 19 and 21 who do not approve of her actions. We are living with my Father for economic reasons and this has increased the stress level off the chart. 

She is the one that wants to leave because of this and have me stay. 

Question, I want to throw down the "Stop all contact" request, but how do I handle it at this point if she refuses. I want to save the marriage. My kids want us together. She is also hanging out with a group of pro-divorce "friends".


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Find this guy and straighten him out. Get your 21 daughter to go with you so it doesn't wind up violent.


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## Deaner (Apr 4, 2011)

Well I should have added that he is a local cop for the township I am in.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Deaner said:


> Well I should have added that he is a local cop for the township I am in.


Then you and your adult children should go visit his place of work and talk to his supervisor to explain the situation and to file a report just in case he decides to abuse his authority and do something against you and your family.


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## Deaner (Apr 4, 2011)

morituri said:


> Then you and your adult children should go visit his place of work and talk to his supervisor to explain the situation and to file a report just in case he decides to abuse his authority and do something against you and your family.


I have considered this as well. I have been going about this all wrong since the EA was found out. I have been doing all of the whining and groveling and 'Please don't leave me" type of stuff. I have given her too much control in this as I didn't want to "piss her off" because she had me convinced this was my fault somehow. I am coming out of this fog and want to fight to save my marriage. 

I will do whatever I need to at this point to turn things around. I need to make a stand even if it pushes her away for a while.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

Deaner said:


> I have considered


Why not go NOW? Right now! Start this chump's weekend off right with a chat with his boss.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

You need to tell your wife, if she values your marriage and wants to make it work, then she must cut off ALL contact with the OM. She will continue to be in a fog and not in touch with the reality of what she is doing as long as she is communicating with him.

Start a 180 for yourself. IT WORKS! I highly recommend it. 

And also.. do as the other posters suggested. This man has no moral compass and should not be allowed to abuse his authority.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

First off, you need to understand that you cannot live in fear, fear of losing your wife, and fear of a broken marriage. If she truly wants to leave the marriage deep in her heart, there's little you can do to stop her. You have to be willing to leave the marriage in order to save it, I know it sounds crazy, but there it is.

There is absolutely no way in hell that the process of R can begin while she is still in the affair. Right now she's deep in the Fog of the A. You MUST demand No Contact (NC) with the OM. They cannot be friends. As long as there is ANY contact, the A is still ongoing. Which brings me to surveillance. You have 2 kids and others watching and tracking her. But you also have to utilize electronic surveillance such as a keylogger on the computers and a VAR (Voice Activated Recorder). Because at this point, you CANNOT believe a word she says about the A. They can and will swear on their childrens lives, the bible, etc, that the A is over, even if it really isn't. I know it feels wrong, but her right to privacy went out the window when she decided to cheat. The two biggest tools cheaters use to continue their A once they have found out is the secret email and secret cell phone. This is how they take it further underground. You can put the VAR under her car seat using industrial strength velcro. If there is one place that cheaters feel secure in talking to their affair partner, its their vehicle. You will be able to tell if the A is ongoing using their regular cell phone or if they have a secret cell phone. You want to save your marriage? Then you have to pull out all the stops. All this monitoring serves four purposes: To find out if the A is still ongoing, to find out if there is a secret cell phone, to ensure that there is NC once that is established, and to rebuild trust. If you manage to make it to R, and you find that there is NC, you will find yourself checking up on her less and less often as you begin to feel safe again.

Expect your wife to throw a tantrum and get angry when you demand she go NC with OM. This is to be expected. They may even leave. This is usually only for a few days. She will realize what she has lost and she will also be on an emotional roller coaster like you. You must be firm on this. NC means NC. If the OM contacts her and she doesn't tell you about it, that is also breaking NC.

But before you demand NC, you must deal with the OM. DO NOT be intimidated because he is a cop. Go to his superiors. Go to Internal Affairs if his department has one. Cops are and should be held to a higher standard, he is having an affair with your wife and you should not stand for it just because he is a cop. I know, I wore the badge. File a formal complaint if you can and demand he stop having an affair with your wife. Make sure you bring proof with you.

Like others have said, do the 180. The 180 is a tool to help enpower you, help you detach, and reduce any codependency issues you might have. It is a tool for you. The side effect of the 180 is to make you look strong and resolute, which is attractive to your wife. She will notice. 

You said you did all the wrong things like crying and begging and pleading. Don't feel bad. Most of us do that in the beginning. I know I did. But you can turn that around with the 180. 

Always remember, this is not your fault. Whatever things you did, did not cause her to cheat. Yes, you were responsible for 50% of the state of your marriage before the A, but she is 100% responsible for cheating. Do not allow her to blameshift or gas light you.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

I'm a bit of a negative Nancy so take this as you may.

Ideally it would be great if there was something you could do to make her stop the affair right now and work on the marriage before the affair went too far.

Realistically that ain’t going to happen.

She has to want to work on the marriage and stop the affair, you can’t force her. It doesn’t sound like she is interested in that. The more pressure you put on her the more she will resist. The only effective way of ending the affair is using a bit of reverse psychology and tough love. Unfortunately it’s also the most difficult to pull off.

Once an affair starts it takes a life of its own and becomes an addiction. Stories like this don’t tend to end well. Most likely she is going to continue the affair whether you like it or not and may “pretend” to work on the marriage and have the affair behind your back. It sounds like she has emotionally check out of the relationship so nothing you do in the short term is going to make a difference (other than maybe push her away more).

I would toss her out (she wants to leave anyway) and file for a divorce (you don’t have to go through with it but you need to send a message that you take this seriously) then cut contact for a good 2 or 3 months (you need this time for her to defuse her negative feelings of you and the M). Give her what she thinks she wants, be all “I love you and I want you to be happy so go to him and get out if that‘s what you want”. Let her see how life is without you and take the “fun” out of the affair. 

This may push the affair into a full blown relationship but that tends to be a death sentence for affairs. Affairs are fantasy relationships and once it hits reality it collapses over 90% of the time. Odds are she will do this anyway no matter what you do. Once you stand up for yourself and she sees you are going to be fine without her she will have second thoughts. You’ve been together too long for her to simply walk away and not look back. 

She isn’t thinking clearly and she wants what she can’t have. When you turn that around and make it where she can have the OM but can’t have you that will get her thinking twice.

There are a few stories on here that started out just like this and they almost all end up the same. Find them and read them carefully because you will be reading your future. They’ll be the ones with lots of pages spanning many months. Find those that most match your story then ask then what would they have done differently.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> *First off, you need to understand that you cannot live in fear, fear of losing your wife, and fear of a broken marriage. If she truly wants to leave the marriage deep in her heart, there's little you can do to stop her. You have to be willing to leave the marriage in order to save it, I know it sounds crazy, but there it is.*
> 
> There is absolutely no way in hell that the process of R can begin while she is still in the affair. Right now she's deep in the Fog of the A. You MUST demand No Contact (NC) with the OM. They cannot be friends. As long as there is ANY contact, the A is still ongoing. Which brings me to surveillance. You have 2 kids and others watching and tracking her. But you also have to utilize electronic surveillance such as a keylogger on the computers and a VAR (Voice Activated Recorder). Because at this point, you CANNOT believe a word she says about the A. They can and will swear on their childrens lives, the bible, etc, that the A is over, even if it really isn't. I know it feels wrong, but her right to privacy went out the window when she decided to cheat. The two biggest tools cheaters use to continue their A once they have found out is the secret email and secret cell phone. This is how they take it further underground. You can put the VAR under her car seat using industrial strength velcro. If there is one place that cheaters feel secure in talking to their affair partner, its their vehicle. You will be able to tell if the A is ongoing using their regular cell phone or if they have a secret cell phone. You want to save your marriage? Then you have to pull out all the stops. All this monitoring serves four purposes: To find out if the A is still ongoing, to find out if there is a secret cell phone, to ensure that there is NC once that is established, and to rebuild trust. If you manage to make it to R, and you find that there is NC, you will find yourself checking up on her less and less often as you begin to feel safe again.
> 
> ...


Amen.

*Etch the first paragraph into your mind until it becomes a part of you.*


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Deaner said:


> Married 22 years as of today (Happy Anniversary, NOT). *W is having a physical affair *with a divorced Father of one of my 10 year olds friends.* Affair is not sexual *



Huh? Which is it? That statement contradicts itself. 

Though it matters little because:




Deaner said:


> She is the one that wants to leave
> 
> Question, I want to throw down the "Stop all contact" request, but *how do I handle it at this point if she refuses*.


That says it all. If she wants out, LET HER GO.

DO NOT CLING. DO NOT pursue her. It makes it 20x worse.

NEVER chase after someone who is running away from you.

What you do is you tell her TODAY:

"Wife, I'm been thinking a lot about our situation. I married you for life and am fully committed to that. With that said, I will not live in an open marriage. If you do decide to not end all contact with OM, I will take appropriate actions up to & including filing for divorce."

Then you back it up with actions.

If she won't let him go, you need to decide whether you want to be a third party in your own marriage.

Yes, it really is that simple.


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## Deaner (Apr 4, 2011)

MAJOR UPDATE

Just got back from my Doctors office where I was getting some Med's to help me cope (Lexapro and Xanax for the panic attacks). She wanted to know all the details so as I am recounting my story to her, and we come across the fact that he is a cop. Her face freezes. She ask the officers name and his department. her jaw drops to the floor.

She then tells me that she has treated multiple patients as well as the other doc at this practice for women getting STD's and anxiety ans depression from getting used and dumped by this guy. Says he is well know as a Womanizer. She also gave me some very good advice as she stated she had an affair in the past and said my W is in for a world of hurt when her high ends.

i called and the Chief is not in today. Going to speak to him on Monday for sure. 

Also contacted my wifes Aunt/godmother who was there the day she was born and has been part of her life for the past 43 years. She was shocked and states she will intervene but want to gather her thoughts first.

At this point, I love my wife so much that I don't care if she leaves me, she needs to get away from this guy. I love her enough to lose her. i don't want her getting sick or emotional used and hurt by this clown.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I think it's OK to expose your wife. You need to kick her off her pedastal. Right now, she's having her cake and eating it too. When reality hits her, it may send her back to you.

I don't know if exposing the other guy to his boss is appropriate. I don't think he's done anything illegal. If he's a big womanizer, it's a fair bet that he has bragged about his exploits to his coworkers. I don't expect exposure to have much (or any?) effect on him.

I would focus on your wife and keep up your 180. She can have a relationship with you when she ends hers with him. Until then, she gets no support, either emotional or financial, from you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She is not being used if she is willingly allow the affair to happen. Know that.

As for your doc -- that is so strange she told you about other patients. I thought most doctors practice patient-doctor privacy laws. I don't like that even if the info that came out was to your advantage. it just seems odd a doctor would be telling you this stuff.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Expose him far and wide the only way he will leave your wife alone is if the affair is not worth his while, make his life uncomfortable. As for your wife , let her parents and friends know she is in an affair and name the OM , the more that know the more pressure she is under to stop it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Talk to the Chief is good, also talk to his sibling,parents, and family.

Let the world know that there bother, son, nephew is interfering with your marriage and you would like there support in ending the relationship he is having with your wife.

It sound like right now you just have your side helping make this affair as inconvienent as possible. Start working on his side of the family.


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## Deaner (Apr 4, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> She is not being used if she is willingly allow the affair to happen. Know that.
> 
> As for your doc -- that is so strange she told you about other patients. I thought most doctors practice patient-doctor privacy laws. I don't like that even if the info that came out was to your advantage. it just seems odd a doctor would be telling you this stuff.


As for the Doc. She is also her Doc. She mentioned no patient names either. Also stated that a former medical assistant that worked in their office was also one of his victims.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deaner (Apr 4, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> I think it's OK to expose your wife. You need to kick her off her pedastal. Right now, she's having her cake and eating it too. When reality hits her, it may send her back to you.
> 
> I don't know if exposing the other guy to his boss is appropriate. I don't think he's done anything illegal. If he's a big womanizer, it's a fair bet that he has bragged about his exploits to his coworkers. I don't expect exposure to have much (or any?) effect on him.
> 
> I would focus on your wife and keep up your 180. She can have a relationship with you when she ends hers with him. Until then, she gets no support, either emotional or financial, from you.


I should point out that the majority of their calls and texts occur in the middle of the night while he is on duty. That makes it the Chiefs concern, as well as that early on they were found together "talking" in his patrol car around 12:30 AM while he was working.

If anything, as a tax payer, I am going to demand him to stop.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Straight up tell your wife about the STD issue and his prior affairs.


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## Deaner (Apr 4, 2011)

19 year old son is placing a key-logger tonight as he is more of a techie than myself.

Starting to look into voice activated recorder but I have no idea where to start. Anyone have any suggestions?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Deaner said:


> Starting to look into voice activated recorder but I have no idea where to start. Anyone have any suggestions?


There are a few models at Best Buy and Wal Mart for around $40. If you have rechargeable batteries, you can use those. Some models allow you to download the files to computer for reviewing later.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Demand a meeting with both the chief and the mayor---cop works for the city---city is responsible, thru cop for having its women citizens contract STD---city can be sued--if they know, and do nothing----otherwise follow lord mayhem---he is right on

Do not fear the cop---he can go to jail, just like any citizen if he gets physical

Also think about bringing a suit for intentional infliction of emotional distress---to all parties involved

Otherwise tell your wife to end this or leave---just that simple


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

The OM is a costly liability that must be exposed.

*Never underestimate the power of one person (you).*


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

You can't stop HER affair unless SHE wants to end it.


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## Deaner (Apr 4, 2011)

She was caught with him again. Working off duty as a guard at a local IT company. I confronted her again and she insists they were just 'talking". I said that doesn't matter, your in an affair and should have no contact. 

I think I am wasting my time here, at least for now. I also have evidence that her Pro-Divorce friend is feeding her information to act like she is working on the marriage to buy for time until she can save enough money to move out. Also advised her to skim money from our point account.

I am leaving the account open as it is down to almost nothing but I have stop my pay from going in there direct deposit. For now I want to act is if I don't know of her plans.

I contacted my lawyer to be ready to file for Marital Misconduct any day now. 

I still think long term she may snap out of this and realize that shes made a big mistake. It will then be up to me to search my heart to see if I can start to rebuild trust and take her back. I mean almost 100% of the people contacted and exposed know she is wrong here. The only people she has supporting her are her bar buddies. 

Waiting to see more traffic between her and this pro-Divorce "friend".


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## Ronin (Mar 18, 2011)

You guys never cease to amaze me. You have a wife with "bar buddies" who are pressuring her to divorce and then there is that whole "sleeping with another man who is known to give women STDs" thing. And you're here asking for ways to get her back? Why not just let her have sex with other men and tell her you'll continue to pay the bills and support her financially. Buy her some condoms and tell her to be safe and that she can still come home. When MEN FIND THEIR BALLS and stop condoning this stuff from these disgusting women by trying to "save teh marriage!!!" then they will stop doing it. There are no consequences in this society. Theyre empowered to do it by the trashy men who are participants, they're ***** friends who encourage them to disrespect you, and the courts who give them your money in the divorce either way. Drop her and never contact her again. Your son is 19 and is installing a key logger. He understands. Go find another woman and show her you aren't some loser who would want that kind of woman back. Otherwise, be the beta cuckold who gets cheated on around town while everyone knows about it, all the while begging to "keep the marriage intact" I have some news for you.. listen carefully. Once she allowed another man to put his penis inside of her.. the marriage ended. There is nothing to save but your own respect and your life most likely. Do you want to get herpes or HIV from this sleazy woman? Pretend you're a man for 10 minutes and file for divorce. There is nothing left

Ronin


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Ronin,

Are you a betrayed husband? If so, what is your story?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Deaner said:


> I still think long term she may snap out of this and realize that shes made a big mistake.


This will never happen unless you remove yourself as an option completely.


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## Deaner (Apr 4, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> This will never happen unless you remove yourself as an option completely.


Thats my intention. Tough love. Not going to share her with another man.


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## Deaner (Apr 4, 2011)

Ronin said:


> I have some news for you.. listen carefully. Once she allowed another man to put his penis inside of her.. the marriage ended. There is nothing to save but your own respect and your life most likely. Do you want to get herpes or HIV from this sleazy woman? Pretend you're a man for 10 minutes and file for divorce. There is nothing left
> 
> Ronin


I have no evidence she let him "put his penis inside her". I know, some will rip on me saying I am fooling myself but I don't think this has happened yet. 

I am shifting into a more aggressive mode and filing this week. The choice is hers to make.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Deaner---what the H*ll is the difference whether they have concluded sex, or not---SHE IS WITH HIM IN EVERY OTHER WAY POSSIBLE---what does it take to get your head out of the sand

Ronin---RIGHT ON!!!!!!!!


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Deaner, have you told your wife to end contact? Have you told her if she doesn't, the marriage is over? If not, you need to do both of those things immediately instead of following her around, saying "aha! caught you again!". Tell her next time you catch her, you are filing for divorce and taking the kids with you. 

I told my wife to end contact (they had an EA, not even a kiss, I caught it in time). So far, she has heeded my order. I also dealt with the OM directly. I know him well. He also agreed to the NC. I told her if they got back in contact I would leave. She straightened up faster than d*ck in a brothel and we are doing very well so far.


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## Ronin (Mar 18, 2011)

Now I know this is going to ruffle some feathers, but I'm pretty much a common sense person when it comes to women and relationships. If a woman is sneaking around and meeting some guy at night and hes then using his position of authority to threaten your freedom, id pretty much say enough has gone on to never want her back. YOUR WIFE is allowing some new guy to put pressure on YOU and through her complacency or inaction is therefore allowing it. Think of it this way.. .your wife (Pakistan) allowed Bin Laden (this guy) to live right under their noses after wronging the US 10 yrs prior and contributed to ongoing attacks. Pakistan should be next on the list in my opinion. That means, for her disloyalty to you as a wife, she should be OUT, period. 

Ronin


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ Love the terrorist analogy. LOL


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

It doesn't matter if they boinked. She is still a cheater and a liar. Dump her.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"I don't think this has happened yet."

So, your waiting for him to bang her in front of your face? You have got to be joking, right. 

Ronin- What kind of beer do you like, I'd like to buy you a round my friend. I guess there are only a few of us who have the guts to "tell it like it is." You're in the club too jnj. My god... there are just some people who JUST DON'T GET IT. Good luck Deaner trying to rationalize your wife's despicable behavior.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Deaner, I don't have mush advice for you as requested, but I do not consider your wife a "victim". She is a willing participant. 

Good luck.


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

OK, I'll try a different spin here.....

How about sitting your wife down, and having a "heart to heart" with her?
Tell her you're very much aware of what's been going on, but also tell her that your own personal investigations about "Mr. Smoothie", revealed quite a bit of dirt. Tell her that there's a laundry list of women that have been womanized and victimized, and have been infected with a nasty STD, and as a result, there's a very good chance that she'll get something from the "PIG", "SKANK".

Then explain to her, that she disgusts you, and show her the door.
Tell her to go stay with Mr Herpes.

Be strong, and BACK OFF!!
You already know 100%
I say call her out, and let her MIND destroy her.


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

Deaner said:


> She was caught with him again. Working off duty as a guard at a local IT company. I confronted her again and she insists they were just 'talking". I said that doesn't matter, your in an affair and should have no contact.
> 
> I think I am wasting my time here, at least for now. I also have evidence that her Pro-Divorce friend is feeding her information to act like she is working on the marriage to buy for time until she can save enough money to move out. Also advised her to skim money from our point account.
> 
> ...



I missed this post.

Please prepare to move on.
It's in your best interest.


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## Ronin (Mar 18, 2011)

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> "I don't think this has happened yet."
> 
> So, your waiting for him to bang her in front of your face? You have got to be joking, right.
> 
> Ronin- What kind of beer do you like, I'd like to buy you a round my friend. I guess there are only a few of us who have the guts to "tell it like it is." You're in the club too jnj. My god... there are just some people who JUST DON'T GET IT. Good luck Deaner trying to rationalize your wife's despicable behavior.


I'll drink whatever. I'm not really a beer person, but I do drink it. I'm just doing my part to give men the counterpart advice women give to women all the time. Men need to hear the real deal, not the beta male/female point of view when dealing with these ridiculous situations. When they cheat, they're out, immediately, and forever. PERIOD.

Ronin


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