# can i meet my wife's demands just so i can live with our kids?



## hopeless116 (Nov 11, 2015)

After 9 years together and 2kids (3and 1) my wife can't take anymore of me and has declared our marriage over. I personally still love her but the past 6 months have shown me that we can't work.

My wife is convinced that I still have feelings for an ex who dumped me 10years ago. She was so convinced that I confessed to it and apologized just in the hopes of moving past it. Well I was wrong. She wasn't 100% convinced, just suspicious and I proved her suspicions. So now we're over.

She still wants to provide the best possible life for our kids. So we can stay as roommates to raise our children as long as we can stop from fighting. My wife says we can stop fighting if I contact my ex to get closure. I havenuntil Wednesday night to get her on the phone in my wife's presence, or I have to move out.

So began a painful series of web searches and calling and emailing people I haven't seen in 10 years. My wife found ex's sister's phone, so I guess this conversation will happen, but will this lead to peace in the house?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Why would you lie about something like that? Are you that afraid of conflict, that you'll lie to make her stop harassing you? 

Is your wife a trained or accredited Marriage and Famly Therapist (MFT)? If not why would you allow this hair brained scheme? Do something that makes sense. Call a time out and get a real therapist to work this out between you, either way. Don't embarrass yourself and drag some stranger into your problems. Stand up and solve them yourself. 

BTW, that's your house too, isn't it? Why would you be the one to move out if she doesn't want to be in the marriage?

Best


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You need to be more specific about why your wife feels this way. None of your threads provide details other than your wife being mean ang you crying so nobody can get a sense of what's going on. 

You provide just enough to make your wife crazy and mean and you a big victim, yet issues are usually more involved than that. 

If you provide more backstory and details you'll get better advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why would you admit to that? And why would you go along with her crazy scheme? 

You need to tell your wife the truth, that you only said it to stop her obsession and no you will not contact an ex from years ago, that's crazy.

You also need to get your wife to a marriage counselor to work this out. 

It's just crazy.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

This whole thing makes no sense. What is she going to talk to your ex about? Unless she thinks there's been an affair. ... would she have reason to think that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hopeless116,

Why did you delete your other thread?


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## hopeless116 (Nov 11, 2015)

I was told to focus on one thread at a time so I deleted other threads. I've been banned from other forums without much explanation so I'm trying to tread carefully this time.

I know I shouldn't have said I has feelings for my ex, but she had been accusing me for 9 years, off and on. For the last year things had been off with us, and I thought this as it, but I was wrong. Now my wife doesn't believe a word I say unless it is to say how bad I am. 

She considers my admission an emotional affair. I don't, since there has been no contact in 10 years, and that was before I met my wife.

There are plenty of other things wrong with our relationship. She doesn't find me attractive. I've never been fun to be around. I'm introverted, she's not. She thinks we can stop fighting if I contact my ex and have a conversation.

When we first met I had a violin Name d after my ex. That was the beginning of the drama. My wife said she should have dumped me then, but she didn't. She asked me to stop playing it and I did 9 years ago, but it didn't stop the fights. If contacting my ex stops the fights we can be roommates, otherwise I have to leave.

Also she is a SAHM. But the house is in both names.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Wow, irrationality is not solved by irrationality.

Tbh, your goal should be protecting your own interest at this point. Are you happy, and if you are not happy with your wife, are you okay being with her just to stay unhappy.

Your children are yours also, and you have an equal right to them.

I suggest you detach from her and take time to work and heal.

Being with her should not be your goal, but a fulfilling life and you can honestly state that you do not have that with your wife.

Reaffirming her irrational behavior will not solve your problems. It only reaffirms to her that she is correct in her actions, thus she is likely to demand more nonsense in the future.

Not like the prize is even worth it. In the end, you get no relationship either way besides being coparents. If you are going to be nothing more than acquaintances, why not just open up the marriage anyways since there is an expectation of no romantic love possible for you if you do stay? See, irrational that to be with her, you have to ignore your own needs.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This is insanity. Just divorce her and DO NOT live together. You both sound seriously unbalanced and have no business sharing a home any more at this point. Move on to separate lives.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hopeless116 said:


> I was told to focus on one thread at a time so I deleted other threads. I've been banned from other forums without much explanation so I'm trying to tread carefully this time.


I see no reason to ban you. 

Focus on one thread means to keep your story to one thread. This is especially useful when you are new here. When you delete your other threads then people do not know your story and what input you were give before.

I think it would be good to merge your 3 threads into one. If you agree, I could undelete them and do the merging. Let me know if you are ok with that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hopeless116 said:


> I know I shouldn't have said I has feelings for my ex, but she had been accusing me for 9 years, off and on. For the last year things had been off with us, and I thought this as it, but I was wrong. Now my wife doesn't believe a word I say unless it is to say how bad I am.
> 
> She considers my admission an emotional affair. I don't, since there has been no contact in 10 years, and that was before I met my wife.
> 
> ...


No you do not have to leave. The house is your legal residence. She cannot kick you out of your home. She also cannot move out and move your children without your permission.

You need to get into individual counseling because you are allowing her to emotionally batter/abuse you. What a bunch of nonsense.

She tells you that she has never been attracted to you. But she is upset because she thinks you are having an emotional affair with a woman she knows you have not seen or talked to in 10 years? So your wife wants your undivided love but she's made sure you know that she's not attracted to you? Why are you putting up with this?

Also get a lawyer. Start protecting yourself.


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## hopeless116 (Nov 11, 2015)

Elegirl,
Yes, please undelete my threads and merge the three together.

Thank you very much.

And thanks to the rest of you for your posts. In my opinion, as long as there is no abuse and no fighting between parents, then the children are better with them staying together even though they aren't in love.

Past generations seemed to do fine when the stigma against divorce was high. I thinkddivorce has become too acceptable. As long as neither of us are crying I think our kids are better off.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

One of my unbreakable rules is never to admit to anything that isn't true, as I have never seen that approach produce good results.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

hopeless, 

Give this a read "No More Mr Nice Guy", let me know what you think of it?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

closure? You're married. There is no closure with others now. You're either not telling the whole story or she's cheating herself and trying to alleviate her guilt.


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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

hopeless116 said:


> I havenuntil Wednesday night to get her on the phone in my wife's presence, or I have to move out.


Did it ever occur to you that you don't have to move out just because your wife says so?


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## hopeless116 (Nov 11, 2015)

I just want us to live and raise children together, if not love each other.

Love probably isn't going to happen, but my wife admitted that talking to my ex isn't going to solve anything except cause more bad feelings to somebody. She says she still wants me to live with them.

I'm still sad that I've poisoned our relationship and it may never be fixed, but at least I can give everything I've got to our kids, who I love completely.

Thank you all for your replies. My life has been a series of selfish deeds. It's time I tried to help others whenever I can.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

What exactly did you do to poison the relationship? You've avoided answering this question. Why?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hopeless116 (Nov 11, 2015)

Lifeistooshort,

It is all explained in Elegirl's quote at the top of the page.

We had another fight last night. It started in front of the kids before they went to bed. God I hate crying in front of them.

My wife firmly believes that I value my ex over our marriage, but is still clinging to the hope that I don't. She can't move on with that hope. I refuse to confess anymore that ever I had feelings for anyone else during our relationship. She says that just makes it harder.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

So yeah... You know you shouldn't have admitted to anything you didn't actually do to pacify her. So let's not dwell on that part.

Regardless of what you decide to do about moving forward, repairing or ending the marriage, it's time to consider how to go forward.

1.) Your wife is presumably not a lawyer or legal expert. Know that and understand it. Eve if she is, she'll tell you what is in her best interests because, well... It's in her best interests. She is not and should not be your source for legal advice or for what's right or wrong.

2.) The home is marital and the children our both of yours. Nobody has any more claim to either over the other.

3.) DO NOT MOVE OUT. What I mean is "Don't move out." As in sleep there every night until a court order is presented to tell you otherwise. No overnights at friends. Your home. Every night.

4.) Voice recorder for your protection from any sort of false DV claims. Have it. Know it. Use it. Behave. Don't let it get you in trouble. Be a gentlemen. Calm. Quiet. Reserved.

Then figure out what you want to do and go forward. Personally, I'd buckle up and prepare for a ride down the divorce expressway.


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## hopeless116 (Nov 11, 2015)

Thank you all for the advice. I agree that I need to take steps to protect myself as well as my family.

During our fight last night my wife said she doesn't even trust me with our kids anymore. This floored me, as I've always tried to spend time with them when I'm not working. Apparently my wife believes all I care about is scoring, and I would neglect our kids so that I could knock up some other random skirt. Sigh...sorry, just venting there. I just don't know how she could value what I say more than what I've done.

I will be a gentleman in all our future talks. I don't know about a recorder? but I won't incriminate myself at all.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

hopeless116 said:


> After 9 years together and 2kids (3and 1) my wife can't take anymore of me and has declared our marriage over. I personally still love her but the past 6 months have shown me that we can't work.
> 
> My wife is convinced that I still have feelings for an ex who dumped me 10years ago. She was so convinced that I confessed to it and apologized just in the hopes of moving past it. Well I was wrong. She wasn't 100% convinced, just suspicious and I proved her suspicions. So now we're over.
> 
> ...


Holy **** buddy how far are you going to go to appease your wife?

Stop placating her, start acting single. This is about you being under her thumb, helping provide for her lifestyle and not bugging her for sex. 

Divorce = bye bye. 

I suggest you tell her that you lied about your ex just to get her off your back, and express relief that she's about to be off your back... For keeps.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

hopeless116 said:


> Thank you all for the advice. I agree that I need to take steps to protect myself as well as my family.
> 
> During our fight last night my wife said she doesn't even trust me with our kids anymore. This floored me, as I've always tried to spend time with them when I'm not working. Apparently my wife believes all I care about is scoring, and I would neglect our kids so that I could knock up some other random skirt. Sigh...sorry, just venting there. I just don't know how she could value what I say more than what I've done.
> 
> I will be a gentleman in all our future talks. I don't know about a recorder? but I won't incriminate myself at all.


The more you let yourself be controlled to manage her anxiety, the more controlled you will get, and the more anxious she will get to control you more. 

Because that isn't a strategy that will actually work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> Also she is a SAHM. But the house is in both names.


Sounds like she wants to be "roommates" with you so you can continue paying the bills while she controls and abuses you.


This:


> And thanks to the rest of you for your posts. In my opinion, as long as there is no abuse and no fighting between parents, then the children are better with them staying together even though they aren't in love.
> 
> Past generations seemed to do fine when the stigma against divorce was high. I thinkddivorce has become too acceptable. As long as neither of us are crying I think our kids are better off.


And then this:


> We had another fight last night. It started in front of the kids before they went to bed. God I hate crying in front of them.


The reality is that your kids are NOT better off with parents who don't love each other and cause this kind of daily distress to one another. You are not going to stop arguing and your marriage is a mess.

Either fix your marriage or get out of it but stop pretending there's some in-between hybrid that is good for your kids. That's just your cowardly way of not dealing with your marriage and your wife.

My advice (forgive my harshness)...Grow a Pair!

Your wife is a tyrant and you let her be. She's a SAHM bossing you around and telling you what to do while you're making the income and putting a roof over her head?!? Yea, that's a load of crap. Man up!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

If I've ever seen a case begging for IC/MC, it yours. 

You can't do this on your own!

YOU NEED PROFESIONAL HELP!

Why haven't you made an appointment yet?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm sorry, I looked again and I don't see what you've done to poison things. I see where your wife thinks you're hung up on your ex but the question is why? She clearly felt like that before your admission so where does that come from? 

When did your marriage start to deteriorate and why? 

Have you always been faithful? Have you talked a lot about or to exes? Why would your wife think that in the first place?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
In all of my posts I do not recall saying this so sternly to anyone but I simply, in good conscience, cannot refrain myself. What is wrong with you? Crying when you and your wife fight? I do not subscribe to the belief that men are uncaring brutes incapable of compassionate dialog but you have tipped the scales way the other way. You have to leave? Says who? Your stay at home wife? Will you continue to send your paychecks to her from wherever you decide to stay?

I cannot know what you have done to "poison" your marriage but you have certainly poisoned your mind. Your wife is not the emperor of your home, she does not dictate what happens and when. Marriage is a partnership wherein each partner has a say in what goes on in the marriage. Your wife is assuming a dictatorial role and you are submitting, why? Do you feel so lacking in self value that you would allow her to treat you in this manner?

Look I do not know what I can say to you that would cause you to see this since it has already been done to you and yet you do not see it. Your wife is behaving irrationally and you are enabling her and even feeding into her lunacy. She thinks you value an ex, that you have had zero contact with for over ten years, moreso than her and your children? SHe now does not even trust you with your own children? Has she had any blunt force trauma to her head in the last decade? Is she mentally unstable in other areas as well or does she only display this madness towards you?

Look, to each his own but how in the name of all things sane can you accept this and even acquiesce to it? You need to tell your wife that if she is so psychologically unhinged so as to believe that you are in contact with someone you have had no contact with in over ten years and that you are a clear and present danger to your own children, that you are finished taking her abuse and that her insanity will no longer be tolerated. Tell her you will gladly move out, with your children and she can live in that house alone. And be sure she has the mortgage book so that she can make the payments, when she finds a job which, hopefully, will be before they foreclose on it.

Tell her that she can watch the children while you are at work and that you will drop them off in the morning and pick them up in the afternoon. If this is not acceptable then she can move out and find a place to live, within her budget of course which, at this time, I can only assume is quite small since she is currently not working. The purpose here is shock and awe. She must be made to see that she is not the queen and you are not her servant.

The question OP is how much of this will you take?


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

hopeless116 said:


> Thank you all for the advice. I agree that I need to take steps to protect myself as well as my family.
> 
> During our fight last night my wife said she doesn't even trust me with our kids anymore. This floored me, as I've always tried to spend time with them when I'm not working. Apparently my wife believes all I care about is scoring, and I would neglect our kids so that I could knock up some other random skirt. Sigh...sorry, just venting there. I just don't know how she could value what I say more than what I've done.
> 
> I will be a gentleman in all our future talks. I don't know about a recorder? but I won't incriminate myself at all.


Just don't even engage the foolishness.

A recorder is to protect you. When it comes down to it, it's about he said - she said. If the cops show up and she's saying you started a fight and all sorts of crap, a voice recording can show her instigating it. It can demonstrate you handling it calmly. Provided you handle it calmly.


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## hopeless116 (Nov 11, 2015)

Last night my wife was having at me. She was blaming me for her lousy life and I was on the verge of tears when the 3yo told her to stop. She did, briefly, until we were alone and she started again. 

In tears I asked her if this would be our life forever. She started screaming at me! Somehow she interpreted my question as accusing her of causing problems. I tried to explain that that wasn't what I meant but she said that I should just move out. I'm sure both kids heard her shouting. Neighbors probably heard her. She was very scary. Almost out of control rage. 

I picked up our 1yo and went to the living room to play with him. I realized how right you all were to record conversations. I downloaded an app and recorded a much more civil argument later that night. Just seeing her in such rage makes me scared not just for me but for our children. You guys have also been right about me not moving out. Not without our kids.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

So, your wife thinks you're having an emotional affair with a woman you haven't seen or spoken to in a decade. She has decided she isn't attracted to you, isn't in love with you, and that you cannot be trusted to be with your own children because you are going to ignore them in order to get laid and knock some other woman up? Oh, and the marriage is over with except the part where you pay her bills and support her.

Tell your wife she needs to grow up and live in reality. And in reality, women who don't want to be in actual marriages have to get jobs and pay for themselves to live. In reality, husbands get sick of their bulllshyte and file for divorce rather than watch their miserable lives pass by while getting screamed at in front of their very young children. In reality, ex husbands get parenting time without their former wives around where they can model a sane and safe household. In reality, ex husbands are also free to date and remarry. Hopefully to women that are mature and mentally sound.

Your child was so distressed that, at 3 years old, s/he actually told Mom to stop. Do you understand how fvcked up that is? Your child felt that s/he needed to protect you, Father, from the insanity of Mother. You're supposed to be where your child turns for protection and here the poor kid is, protecting you because you won't man up and put a stop to this endless drama.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

hopeless116 said:


> My wife firmly believes that I value my ex over our marriage, but is still clinging to the hope that I don't. She can't move on with that hope. I refuse to confess anymore that ever I had feelings for anyone else during our relationship. She says that just makes it harder.


And there's a jolly good reason for your wife's insecurities, isn't there Hopeless? She's not quite as crazy as you would have us believe, is she...?

Counselling is my only suggestion. For BOTH of you.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You cry when she berates you?

Jeeze man, no one can help you. You have to help yourself. 

Quit being so weak


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Marc878 said:


> You cry when she berates you?
> 
> Jeeze man, know one can help you. You have to help yourself.
> 
> Quit being so weak


And manipulative.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I have a book you need to read, like TODAY. It's called No More Mr Nice Guy. It will change your marriage.

The Book


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Cosmos said:


> And there's a jolly good reason for your wife's insecurities, isn't there Hopeless? She's not quite as crazy as you would have us believe, is she...?


What am I missing? What has he done?


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

turnera said:


> What am I missing? What has he done?


Read this thread that he started after this one. I told him he should really have them merged. He pines over an ex and tells his wife about it.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/304129-date-set-separation.html


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

turnera said:


> What am I missing? What has he done?


This gives us some idea:- 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid.../304129-date-set-separation.html#post14260577


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Oh yeah, he is not a victim. In fact he's been quite manipulative and abusive. He been good at garnering sympathy for himself. 

And he's not over his ex. But he's been good at crying every time his wife tries to address anything. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Cosmos said:


> And there's a jolly good reason for your wife's insecurities, isn't there Hopeless? She's not quite as crazy as you would have us believe, is she...?
> 
> Counselling is my only suggestion. For BOTH of you.


Well, my take is that she isn't all that crazy about him, either, and just married cos it was the thing to do. 

OP, what you CAN do is get the book His Needs Her Needs and ask her to read it together with you. It will explain a lot.


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