# I need help.



## Trying&Scared (Feb 18, 2012)

So I am a WW. I am destroyed my H world and now want to fix it. I am guilty of EA and PA with one person however it went on for a long time. I am guilty of TT and gas lightning and all the other things that us cheaters do. We have had at least 3 or 4 DDAYS because I was to coward to just tell the truth which also makes me the worst kind of liar. Now I need help it has only been a few days but last night my H had questions which I answered, but that made him think and picture things, he cried and I tried to comfort him and then he got so angry he kept punching the bed and then hit the nightstand and made the lamp fly and break. So I need help what do I do for him in these kinds of situations?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Just keep apologetic and under no circumstances minimize whatever it is you've done.

How long did your cheating last?
Did it end before or after he heard about it?

Did he discover it on his own or did you reveal it?

How long have you two been married?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Welcome. First thing is for your husband to seek counseling with a professional with experience in helping victims of infidelity and PTSD to heal from the trauma. And second is for him not to make any decisions concerning divorce or reconciliation until his emotions level off and his head can make a life altering decision that he can live with.

The timeframe of recovery for a betrayed spouse can be 2 to 5 years and the odds of a marriage making it after the wife has had an affair are lower than where the husband has had an affair. So don't get your hopes up that yours will be the exception, though I sincerely wish you the best of luck.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Do him a favour by leaving him. You killed him bit by bit for a long time, now what happend did the other man dumped you so that you want to keep him with you? Why you want to R?is it because you find him as the best doormat and a meal ticket (as you have used him for a long)?

R or D its his choice Now give him space, you destroyed his world, love and most importantly his trust on you for ever.
Was that OM so worthy to treat your husband like a Bull sh*t for a long?


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## Trying&Scared (Feb 18, 2012)

The affair was about 1.5 years.....then contact stopped for awhile then phone calls and one encounter all contact stopped in May and the truth came out in the summer ...no I didn't come clean on my own....this is where TT and gas lighting started. I just want to help him, he means more to me then any words can say.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Your actions, total transparency and accountability, can also benefit you in your efforts to regain his trust. You also should seek individual counseling to address and resolve the issues that lead you to make the horrible choice to have an affair. Your actions will speak louder than any comforting words that come out of your mouth.


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## Flobot (Feb 19, 2012)

Just be truthful with him . Love him even when you get no love back from him or he may say hurtful things . Be truthful and honest about your feelings for him . 

I don't believe it has to be over . Fess up to your mistake and love even when your not being loved back . 

Love is the key


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Someone link her up with working's thread.


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## Trying&Scared (Feb 18, 2012)

Thank you to everyone for your responses thus far....what is the working link?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

morituri said:


> Your actions, total transparency and accountability, can also benefit you in your efforts to regain his trust. You also should seek individual counseling to address and resolve the issues that lead you to make the horrible choice to have an affair. Your actions will speak louder than any comforting words that come out of your mouth.


:iagree:

How were you gaslighting him as opposed to TT if NC was in May and he found out in the summer? Was he suspicious for a long time? Did you end the affair or OM?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Trying&Scared said:


> The affair was about 1.5 years.....then contact stopped for awhile then phone calls and one encounter all contact stopped in May and the truth came out in the summer ...no I didn't come clean on my own....this is where TT and gas lighting started. I just want to help him, he means more to me then any words can say.


So what changed ? Why did it end ? And which one of you ended it?

Have you done anything to expose the OM? Have you given your husband the chance to talk to the OM wife or GF and tell her about his cheating?

BTW - the TT and gas lighting isn't protecting him at ALL is only protecting you, your affair, and your OM. The more you do it, the more you are showing your husband that you are valuing the OM more than him.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Trying&Scared said:


> Thank you to everyone for your responses thus far....what is the working link?


"working together" is a WW who's shared her struggles here.You can search her threads.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

TBT said:


> "working together" is a WW who's shared her struggles here.You can search her threads.


Sorry,looks like she may have left the forum.Not sure.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> So what changed ? Why did it end ? And which one of you ended it?
> 
> Have you done anything to expose the OM? Have you given your husband the chance to talk to the OM wife or GF and tell her about his cheating?
> 
> BTW - the TT and gas lighting isn't protecting him at ALL is only protecting you, your affair, and your OM. The more you do it, the more you are showing your husband that you are valuing the OM more than him.


Yes, has the affair ended at all? Are you feeling remorseful, apologetic? 

What your H is going through is turmoil, shock and agony. If you have any concern, get him to a doctor, and remain patient, caring and completely honest.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You blew it, and now you will need to do the heavy lifting: 

First, accept that this affair was 100% your fault. Your husband may have been 50% responsible for the state of your marriage before the affair started, but the affair itself was 100% your fault. If you give him any hint that the affair was partly his fault, reconcilliation will never happen....never.

Tell him everything he wants to know: how the affair started, how many times you had sex with the OM, when, where .... anything your husband wants to know.

Total transparency, no secrets, no privacy and absolutely no contact with other men outside your family for the foreseeable future. That means no male friends at all other than the guys you have to work with.

Do you work with the man you had the affair with? If so, quit your job this week. No ifs ands or buts...

Write a NC (no contact) letter to your affair partner, telling him that your husband knows about the two of you, that you were wrong in having the affair, that the feelings you had for him were an illusion and not real love, and that you are going to do whatever you have to do to rebuild your marriage and reestablish your husband's trust. Let your hubby read the e-mail and then let him watch you send it. 

Get into marriage counseling with your husband ASAP. He needs individual counseling and so do you. And when you do go to joint counseling, make sure you are working the program and not just sitting passively by and letting the counselor and your husband do the work.

Be totally sexually available for your husband, whenever he wants you. No headaches allowed. Whatever you did sexually for your affair partner, do the same and more for your husband. This is a big deal for many men. Read Mahike's posts if you don't understand that. 

Most of all, be repentant, apologetic, sympathetic and emotionally submissive to your husband. He is going to go through hell for the next three to four years as he gets the mind movies and triggers under control, and you need to be there to soothe his ego and build him up. Expect to say "I'm sorry" about a million times over the next ten years. 

You seem contrite, but now you have a huge hill to climb and you'll be pushing a big boulder up it. 

That is, if your husband decides to stay with you.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

First I'd like to commend you for coming here to seek out help. You're going to get responses you're not going to like and might seem harsh but they're just a window into the pain infidelity causes and you should weather them out until you get information that helps you with your situation.

Your husband is going through a plethora of emotions, your words mean nothing to him because of the tickle truth and of course the affair itself. It's a normal reaction for him to act out physically (so long as he doesn't harm you of course). 

He has been terribly humiliated and hurt by your actions not to mention, he will suffer mind movies of you and your affair partner having sex for a very long time. It' a very emasculating feeling for your husband. The best thing you can do is be patient and understanding of what he's going through. You should both get counselling.


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## asylumspadez (Jan 17, 2012)

Sorry to be the prick on this thread but I really hate it when you claim to love your husband yet you cheated on him. I find it stupid for you to say that because cheating is the opposite of love. You betray the trust of your husband (for whatever reason) and now you get to pick up all the pieces.

Now putting that aside, Do everything that Bandit said. That is the only way you will even come close to saving your marriage.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Here are links to posts that I highly recommend that you print out and share with your husband. Granted they don´t replace the need for therapy with a qualified professional with experience in helping victims of infidelity and PTSD to recover from the trauma, but they can help him tremendously. 

*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/40223-help-getting-rid-images-movies.html#post594251*

*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/40190-feeding-affair-image-beast.html#post593486*

*Cheated On, Tortured by Images*


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

its gonna be a very loong trying hard road, u sure u wanna go through it? is your husband worth it? how so? for crying out loud, he was worth cheating on, right?


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

You have lots of really good advice on your thread. Use it and don't forget it. I made many mistakes during my R with my hmmm ex now. I screwed up a lot, I brought up a lot of stuff that bothered me about him in the past, kind of to lessen my guilt at times. We had a year of hell while trying to R. Initially my H yelled, screamed, raged etc. In the end I too fought back, I was fed up with the fighting, I just wanted a glipse of normal life as a family. Sadly, for many reasons it just wasn't possible, we both had a lot of resentment towards each other.

The transparancy, honesty, letter to Om, full exposure etc. are the easiest part of R in my opinion, it's full remorse that is the toughest, you really have to humble yourself, let your guard down, and be the wife you really want to be and should be. you owe him big time.

good luck


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