# Doable?



## tacty (Jan 6, 2014)

Hi,

I am not sure what to expect but here is my concern. 

I am married for about 8 years. I am in my early 30s, my wife in her mid 20s. We have no kids. After about 5 years into the marriage my wife reveals she likes women. I noticed things were not right but I could never point to same sex interests. I was shaken. We tried to work things out (and we are still working at it) but it is difficult. 

Now, we are at the crossroad we always postponed. Should we stay or should we go/part ways? I am mostly in favor of parting ways. She suffers a lot. She wants to be in this marriage but she says she can't. She feels disinterested, distracted, lost; willing to give but unable to do so. Her mind is constantly on women. 

I don't think I can explain my entire relationship in a short paragraph. Like every relationship, it is too complex. I would just like to briefly mention the most difficult moment, at least from my perspective. About a year and half ago, my wife starts an emotional affair with a female online. Around March-April of this year she forgets a document open and I find out about the affair. She admits to it. Says she wants to try it. I have never had to make a more difficult decision. After two months, I reluctantly allow her to travel overseas, meet her lover, and consummate the affair. The deal was the trip and the affair is a one time thing. Afterwards, her and I should be devoted to each other. All the communication exchanges with her lover should be discarded (which she has done). 

It was very difficult when she returned (in July). We both suffered. We still are. There are good days full of hope but there are many hopeless moments. Of course, she still craves women. She will have these desires the rest of her life. At times, she despises everything surrounding this relationship. Recently, I feel the distance between us is growing. I feel I have reached the maximum I can give. I feel like I cannot tolerate anything and I have no energies to keep this relationship going. 

I would appreciate it if you have any insights. My main concern is do you think such a relationship can survive? Are there any successful heterosexual male-homosexual female relationships? If so, how have they succeeded? It would be nice if there are any females who have homosexual tendencies but have made it through heterosexual relationships. 

Thank you...


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

I am truly sorry for what you are going through.

To me, cheating is cheating, doesn't matter what sex it is. Your wife has stated she can't be in this marriage and she will always desire to be with a woman.

I want to ask "do you really want to be in a marriage with a woman who will never be satisfied with you, love you and commit to you?", but we both know the answer to that, of course not.

I am sorry tacty, I don't know why it took your wife so long to figure this out, it is unfair that she couldn't, or wouldn't let you know this before you were married. She may want to keep you and have her affairs, but that is not what you want. 

I do not see this working, but if it is too hard to do a clean cut right now, maybe you two would like to try a trial separation first.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I don't think any relationship is 'doable' when one of the partners wants out. It only works if both people want to stay in the relationship and works even better when both want to strengthen and deepen the bond between them.

Have you asked her straight out if she wants to stay together? Has she given a commited 'yes' to that question?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I assume you are totally hetero. So think about how you feel about women and their bodies. Now think about how you feel about touching or kissing a man. For me there is no question there is a huge difference in the two.

Your wife likes women. She feels about them and their bodies the way you do. And she feels about men the way you do. She just has no desire to be sexual with men, just as you have no desire that way.

Your marriage cannot survive if one of you does not have strong desire for the other.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Well, if my dh were saying the stuff your dw is, it would just be over. Just over. Not even sure if I could look at him again. Maybe I am just cold that way.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Just divorce her and move on . Dont waste your time with someone who does not love you .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacty (Jan 6, 2014)

breeze,

Thank you for the reply. I have asked her many times if she wants to stay. She has committed herself many times to staying. I have believed her many times. We still struggle. Again, what I don't want to go amiss is that we do have plenty of good moments, both sexual and in other shared activities. I guess recently, they just don't seem strong or good enough.


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## tacty (Jan 6, 2014)

Thor,

Thank you for the reply. I understand she likes women the way I do. I am fully aware of the difficulties. However, I disagree that a relationship fails without strong desires. In any long term relationship desire decreases. Most people stay together because they share things in common and that is one of the most consistent factors of stability. As a couple we do share activities together. We often say if it weren't for sexual discrepancies, we would have been great together. At any rate, thanks again.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The only way she'll want YOU back is if she sees you walking out the door.


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## tacty (Jan 6, 2014)

JustHer,

Thank you for the reply. It is not uncommon for homosexuals to go through heterosexual relations before coming to terms with their sexuality. Who would not have wanted honesty from their partner?! It would have been great if she disclosed from the beginning. We would not be here. But the past is done and we made the choices we made. Now we are faced with fear, anger, guilt (on her part), and insurmountable pressure from family members who do not know anything about the situation but want us to have children as we are more or less established with careers. 

At any rate, I don't want to go on tangents. I am mostly interested in tips of making things work. Perhaps trial separation is a viable option and we have discussed it. We shall see. Thanks again.


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## tacty (Jan 6, 2014)

turnera,

It might work. However, I find these "dare" tactics childish. Again, I am not disputing their validity. Maybe we realize what we have only when we lose it. However, I think she knows fully well what she will lose if we break up. I don't need to get out of the door for her to realize the loss. The only reason she fights and struggles is not to want to lose this relationship. At least, this is what I believe. Thank you for the reply.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I wasn't telling you to dare her. Just stating a fact. As long as you are low-hanging fruit, she will ignore you.

It is only when you are willing to LOSE her if she can't be what you need in a marriage, that you will be able to even have a chance at keeping her.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

tacty said:


> JustHer,
> 
> Thank you for the reply. It is not uncommon for homosexuals to go through heterosexual relations before coming to terms with their sexuality. Who would not have wanted honesty from their partner?! It would have been great if she disclosed from the beginning. We would not be here. But the past is done and we made the choices we made. Now we are faced with fear, anger, guilt (on her part), and insurmountable pressure from family members who do not know anything about the situation but want us to have children as we are more or less established with careers.
> 
> At any rate, I don't want to go on tangents.* I am mostly interested in tips of making things work*. Perhaps trial separation is a viable option and we have discussed it. We shall see. Thanks again.


I am not sure how you got this out of my post. 

First you asked if your marriage was "doable", not you are asking how to make this work.

Like another poster said, you can't...... she is the one that has "discovered" she is more attracted to women than men. She is the one that is not happy and fulfilled. You said that you can live this way if she can, and perhaps you can for a while. But eventually it will not be enough. It is a basic need of humans to be desired and loved by their spouse. Men especially need that physical relationship, need to feel physically desired by their spouse in order to feel connected and fulfilled. In a few years you will both start to resent each other, she will resent you because you have a penis instead of a vagina, and you her because she will never desire you the way you "need" to be.

This cannot be fixed.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

So divorce her and be good friends. Let her have the freedom to find a new life partner, i.e. a woman. You find a woman you can love and make love to.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That about sums it up.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> Now, we are at the crossroad we always postponed. Should we stay or should we go/part ways? I am mostly in favor of parting ways. She suffers a lot. She wants to be in this marriage but she says she can't. She feels disinterested, distracted, lost; willing to give but unable to do so. Her mind is constantly on women.





> About a year and half ago, my wife starts an emotional affair with a female online. Around March-April of this year she forgets a document open and I find out about the affair. She admits to it. Says she wants to try it. I have never had to make a more difficult decision. After two months, I reluctantly allow her to travel overseas, meet her lover, and consummate the affair.



I don't think the problem is that your W is bisexual, the problem is that she's a cheater. As there are no children involved, frankly, I would cut my losses and divorce her. If, however, you want to stay with your W and "make things work," I think you're probably looking at an open marriage scenario.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

There's nothing quite so beta (that's the "nice" word for it) as handing your wife over to someone else for sex. From that moment on, the respect for you is gone. I don't think there's any coming back from that. Bottom line, dump her.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

tacty said:


> Hi,
> 
> I am not sure what to expect but here is my concern.
> 
> ...


Marriage isn't this complicated for a man.

Step 1. Find a woman who likes d--k
Step 2. Have good communication, trust, respect, love, intimacy and don't take each other for granted.
Step 3. Keep the number of people in your marriage to 2.

Done. Easy Peasy.

The most complicated is step 2, but if you at least think about step 2 every day...you'll do fine.

Sorry to be so blunt...but your wife is a lesbian who feels beholden to you. That's not how a marriage should be.

Let her go to be happy and you go and find a heterosexual woman.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> There's nothing quite so beta (that's the "nice" word for it) as handing your wife over to someone else for sex. From that moment on, the respect for you is gone. I don't think there's any coming back from that. Bottom line, dump her.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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