# Is she having a midlife crisis or is it for real?



## Husband_8288

Hi. New to this. Been married 10 years, got children and until last year, a seemingly good marriage. My wife recently admitted that she isn’t attracted to me anymore and after some discussion, she said she has been feeling like this for 4 years! 
that was in September, I’m now questioning everything and wondering whether I need to move out after Christmas ???

she has also recently turned 40 and her general life has all the hallmarks of being in the midst of a midlife crisis, which she has said could be a factor

help?!?


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## Marc878

Go online and check your phone bill.


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## Marc878

*Do not move out of your home!!! That’s a huge mistake.*
If she wants out let her move.


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## Andy1001

This is classic behaviour of someone who has or is getting ready to cheat. She is rewriting the history of your relationship to justify her own ****ty behaviour. 
Don’t fall for her bs. Start investigating and as @Marc878 said begin by checking phone bills.


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## DownByTheRiver

Sorry you're going through this. She is at an age when she looked at whether she was happy and realized she wasn't and her life was half spent. She doesn't want to spend any more of it unhappy, that's all. Will she be looking for another man? Maybe, maybe not. 4 years, so if she already had one, she'd have divorced and be with him by now. So the kids are 10 and under? 50/50 joint custody is the norm, so get ready. That way, you won't miss your kids.


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## re16

Find out who the other man is.

She is likely already gone if she is re-writing history like that. It is a way for her to justify her own behavior... blame you, and make it like she had no choice due to your behavior.

Do not accept this, file for divorce and tell her to leave.


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## DownByTheRiver

May be of interest:








Causes Of Divorce: 13 Of The Most Common Reasons


We have compileed a list of the most common causes of divorce in 2020. The top ones are: Infidelity, lack of intimacy, lack of communication, financial problems, domestic violence




www.itsovereasy.com





*The 13 most common reasons for divorce*
We've organized the top 13 reasons sourced from our analysis of surveys that reported 20% or more of respondents citing the following reasons:

Conflict, arguing, irretrievable breakdown in the relationship
Lack of commitment
Infidelity / extramarital affairs
Distance in the relationship / lack of physical intimacy
Communication problems between partners
Domestic violence, verbal, physical, or emotional abuse by a partner
Realization that one’s spouse has different values / morals
Substance abuse / alcohol addiction
Absence of romantic intimacy / love
One partner not carrying their weight in the marriage
Financial problems / debt
Marrying too young
Lack of shared interests / incompatibility between partners


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## TJW

My advice is this: go see a lawyer in your area who is familiar with family law. Don't tell anyone you're going. Go only to find out exactly where you stand if your marriage breaks. Take no action until you are READY to take the action, and you are only ready if you fully understand what your life will become following that action. 

What your relationship to your kids will actually be like is somewhat of an unknown. It's not uncommon for a divorce or separation to "polarize" the children between the parents (and also between the kids).

BTW, "mid-life-crisis" is real. However, it is not an excuse for selfish and sinful behavior. A person can navigate MLC without acting in destructive ways to his/her marriage. MLC must be undertaken by the person with ownership, change, and in directions aimed at life improvement for his/her family as a whole.
MLC is not responsible for "loss of attraction". Loss of attraction is due to the person's own attitudes and behaviors, not "feelings". It should be a time in which the person "puts away childish things" and adopts new thought processes consistent with adulthood.

In order to remain "attracted" through marriage, an ACT OF WILL must be undertaken. The Hollywood notion of "falling in love" must be abandoned as the lie that it is. The truth is, attractions follow ACTIONS. Oxytocin lasts 18 months. If your wife is waiting to "feel" enamored, she will be waiting forever. A new person may have stimulated the chemical production. People mistake this for "love". It is not love, it is lust. In which we love our SELF more than our neighbor. It is a sin. Plainly, and simply, we have to reject these "feelings" and go to FACTS to be our guide. FACT is, we make vows which say this is what we will do. It is a CONTRACT. A contract which is violated and reneged upon by so many.


MLC may be indeed a time when a person re-evaluates what he/she has done with his/her life to this point. Adjustments which do not hurt others can be chosen. These adjustments can be a "turning point" following which the person becomes more self-actualized and beneficial to society.


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## Marc878

DownByTheRiver said:


> Sorry you're going through this. She is at an age when she looked at whether she was happy and realized she wasn't and her life was half spent. She doesn't want to spend any more of it unhappy, that's all. Will she be looking for another man? Maybe, maybe not. 4 years, so if she already had one, she'd have divorced and be with him by now. So the kids are 10 and under? 50/50 joint custody is the norm, so get ready. That way, you won't miss your kids.


They usually get unhappy when they start cheating. Rewrite the marriage to justify their actions. I’d like to have a nickel for every time I see this.


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## SunCMars

Husband_8288 said:


> My wife recently admitted that she isn’t attracted to me anymore and after some discussion, she said she has been feeling like this for 4 years!


The proverbial shot over the bow...
More is on the way.

Prepare to surrender.

Lower your expectations and your flagpole.
Expect her to pillage, and plunder your lone ship at sea.

She will not likely scuttle your ship, she will set it adrift, with the smoke and the flames from the wreckage, being seen for miles along the horizon.



_Nemesis-_


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## Livvie

Andy1001 said:


> This is classic behaviour of someone who has or is getting ready to cheat. She is rewriting the history of your relationship to justify her own ****ty behaviour.
> Don’t fall for her bs. Start investigating and as @Marc878 said begin by checking phone bills.


How is admitting the truth about your lack of attraction "rewriting " marital history?

It's not.

Whether or not there is someone she has her eye on, she isn't attracted to him anymore and I'm sure it's not "bs". If you tell your spouse you aren't attracted to them anymore is it's usually the truth.


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## DudeInProgress

Livvie said:


> How is admitting the truth about your lack of attraction "rewriting " marital history?
> 
> It's not.
> 
> Whether or not there is someone she has her eye on, she isn't attracted to him anymore and I'm sure it's not "bs". If you tell your spouse you aren't attracted to them anymore is it's usually the truth.


I think the point is what will inevitably follow that declaration. And it won’t be good.
Because if she’s not attracted to him, she will be attracted to someone else.

And to overtly tell him this, she’s either:
1. Already cheating on him, or at least engaging in inappropriate behavior / relationships
or
2. Recognizing that she is being / will be tempted to do so. And either prepping herself or him for the impending avalanche.

If it’s the former, there’s not much to do but divorce her and work on himself.

If it’s the latter, he may still have the chance to up his game enough to salvage the relationship, if he wants to. 
He would need to realize that it would be for him though, and his future with or without her.


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## Livvie

Uh huh but it's still not "rewriting marital history".


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## jonty30

Livvie said:


> Uh huh but it's still not "rewriting marital history".


Cheaters always rewrite to justify what they do. 
At the very least, they exaggerate the negative aspects of their partner and minor problems of the relationship.


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## Livvie

jonty30 said:


> Cheaters always rewrite to justify what they do.
> At the very least, they exaggerate the negative aspects of their partner and minor problems of the relationship.


If someone tells you they aren't attracted to you and haven't been attracted to you for awhile now it's not "rewriting marital history" nor is it "exaggerating a minor problem". 🤔 

Yes, OP, unfortunately sometimes people DO lose attraction to their spouse. 

I don't see how posters telling you it's not true and she's just rewriting marital history or exaggerating a minor problem is going to do you any good.


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## jonty30

Livvie said:


> If someone tells you they aren't attracted to you and haven't been attracted to you for awhile now it's not "rewriting marital history" nor is it "exaggerating a minor problem". 🤔
> 
> Yes, OP, unfortunately sometimes people DO lose attraction to their spouse.
> 
> I don't see how posters telling you it's not true and she's just rewriting marital history or exaggerating a minor problem is going to do you any good.


I do agree with you that, once they use those words, it's time to divide assets and move forward.


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## Husband_8288

TJW said:


> My advice is this: go see a lawyer in your area who is familiar with family law. Don't tell anyone you're going. Go only to find out exactly where you stand if your marriage breaks. Take no action until you are READY to take the action, and you are only ready if you fully understand what your life will become following that action.
> 
> What your relationship to your kids will actually be like is somewhat of an unknown. It's not uncommon for a divorce or separation to "polarize" the children between the parents (and also between the kids).
> 
> BTW, "mid-life-crisis" is real. However, it is not an excuse for selfish and sinful behavior. A person can navigate MLC without acting in destructive ways to his/her marriage. MLC must be undertaken by the person with ownership, change, and in directions aimed at life improvement for his/her family as a whole.
> MLC is not responsible for "loss of attraction". Loss of attraction is due to the person's own attitudes and behaviors, not "feelings". It should be a time in which the person "puts away childish things" and adopts new thought processes consistent with adulthood.
> 
> In order to remain "attracted" through marriage, an ACT OF WILL must be undertaken. The Hollywood notion of "falling in love" must be abandoned as the lie that it is. The truth is, attractions follow ACTIONS. Oxytocin lasts 18 months. If your wife is waiting to "feel" enamored, she will be waiting forever. A new person may have stimulated the chemical production. People mistake this for "love". It is not love, it is lust. In which we love our SELF more than our neighbor. It is a sin. Plainly, and simply, we have to reject these "feelings" and go to FACTS to be our guide. FACT is, we make vows which say this is what we will do. It is a CONTRACT. A contract which is violated and reneged upon by so many.
> 
> 
> MLC may be indeed a time when a person re-evaluates what he/she has done with his/her life to this point. Adjustments which do not hurt others can be chosen. These adjustments can be a "turning point" following which the person becomes more self-actualized and beneficial to society.


This is really helpful. Thank you 🙏


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## jlg07

Livvie said:


> Uh huh but it's still not "rewriting marital history".


I think the re-writing marital history is the fact that she says she hasn't been attracted to him for 4 YEARS, not the part where she's not attracted now.


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## Marc878

Livvie said:


> If someone tells you they aren't attracted to you and haven't been attracted to you for awhile now it's not "rewriting marital history" nor is it "exaggerating a minor problem". 🤔
> 
> Yes, OP, unfortunately sometimes people DO lose attraction to their spouse.
> 
> I don't see how posters telling you it's not true and she's just rewriting marital history or exaggerating a minor problem is going to do you any good.


Cheaters lie a lot. History rewrites are very common to justify their actions. Nothing new here.


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## Al_Bundy

Also don't confront her if you find something shady on the phone bill. Play dumb and gather evidence. When you talk to the lawyer ask about if your state has at fault divorce as an option and what is needed for proof. 

Best of luck. If she is planning to leave it's probably been in the works for a while. She has a head start, you need to catch up.


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## Evinrude58

Hasn’t been attracted to you for 4 yrs? Why suddenly let you know about this NOW?
Yeah you need to explain what led up to the “revelation” and what these “hallmarks of a MLC” are. Most likely these are hallmarks alright. hallmarks of a boring, run of the mill CHEATER.


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## Andy1001

Livvie said:


> How is admitting the truth about your lack of attraction "rewriting " marital history?
> 
> It's not.
> 
> Whether or not there is someone she has her eye on, she isn't attracted to him anymore and I'm sure it's not "bs". If you tell your spouse you aren't attracted to them anymore is it's usually the truth.


You may be correct. However if you read a lot of threads on tam it’s a very common occurrence that when one partner in a relationship meets someone new who they are attracted to they suddenly decide that they haven’t been happy in their existing relationship for years.
This is purely a self deluding move to justify their lust for the new person and while it may be a subconscious decision it’s still wrong.


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## TJW

Livvie said:


> If you tell your spouse you aren't attracted to them anymore is it's usually the truth.


Yes, it is true, usually. However, it is a truth which reveals a lie. It reveals a lie made at the altar of marriage, the one which says the person WILL "love, honor, and cherish". The word most radically violated is "honor". What this "truth" reveals is a state of dishonor, one in which the "unattracted" does not respect his/her partner enough to "own" his/her "unattraction" and seek solutions.

It is a truth which may be revealing another lie, that "attraction" is some kind of ethereal endowment which comes with no effort on the part of the "unattracted"......

It is a truth to which I would like to respond:

"Ok. You have a CHOICE to make, I am ready, willing, and able to be your faithful, loving, and true husband. I will honor the promise I made to you before God.
If you are not willing to honor the promise you also made to me before God, and provide for my needs like I provide for yours, then please, do the HONORABLE thing, and get the hell OFF of me. I don't need, and I don't want, a ball-and-chain who I have to drag through life with my efforts, time, work, and money.
Your choice is simple..... either get "attracted", or get out...."


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## TJW

Andy1001 said:


> This is purely a self deluding move to justify their lust for the new person and while it may be a subconscious decision it’s still wrong.


Amen. Lust. Not "love". Lust. 
Wrong. That is the right word. It's not "pc" or "woke" or any of these other delusions we are entertaining. But "wrong" is right......


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

re16 said:


> Find out who the other man is.
> 
> She is likely already gone if she is re-writing history like that. It is a way for her to justify her own behavior... blame you, and make it like she had no choice due to your behavior.
> 
> Do not accept this, file for divorce and tell her to leave.


This is the likely scenario.


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