# Divorced...but want him back



## Indie

Hi there

Im new and would really like everyones advice. I have been divorced for a year now but we still live together coz of kids and other complications (long story).

Anyway I initated the divorce coz he stopped spending time at home with both me and the kids and communication stopped completely. This all happened abt 2years ago and previously we had counselling but didnt seem to help. He is a very stubborn guy.

Anyway, he keeps saying that he has changed but i dont see that he has but i love him so much and cannot think of ever being without him. I dont know where i got the strength from to divorce him. I didnt divorce him coz of affairs or him having any but coz of dis-respect, lack of love and affection towards me and being verbally abused.

We know each other for 19years now and have been married for 13years and divorced for 1ys coz i am waiting for my house to be built but thats taking so long. 

He is a very lazy stubborn man. He wanted to be a bachelor again and not have to answer to anyone and i got tired of being alone at home with the kids every other weekday and every weekend except when his mom came to visit he would stay home. He alway put his friends first and that frustrated me alot. but now i cant stand the thought of actually loosing him forever to anyone and i dont understand my love for him. 

its so complicated and dont know what to do.:scratchhead:


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## Shooboomafoo

This guy sounds like he hasnt reached maturity. Investing your life in someone like this is throwing your LIFE AWAY.
Cut his "precious" memory out of your mind for a few weeks, and let the idea of other men come into mind. Take notice of what is attractive about other men, and chat to a few. 
YOU need to decide if your life and affections and "love" is so worthless as to accept this kind of bullsh!t in return for it. 
Its about what you think about yourself, and how you value yourself. 
Let me tell you, sixteen years later, when hes cheated, or made life miserable for you, that time will be GONE. and you will be like me, sitting there wondering WTF I have to show for it...

Please, please reconsider your own value, get someone good.


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## Indie

Its not so easy coz we still live together. I am waiting for my house to be built and i dont have another place to stay and its just no me only i got kids too.

Hard to cut someone out or stop thinking about them when they are there everysingle day.

i was chatting to him last night and he was upset coz my family stirred some **** for me. He dispises my family alot especially my mom.

Anyway, he said he was willing to try but on him terms and conditions. I have been given this opportunity of a lifetime to travel overseas on a cruise liner through my company and he said that i must choose my trip or him.

I feel those are demands and if one wants to work on a relationship it cannot be based on revenge or demands. He thinks its all about money with me but i have struggled to be where i am today through hard work and sacrifices and dedication.

why can i have the opportunity of travelling coz i will never be able to offer it on my own anyways.

He also said we gonna do things his way this time but i feel like he's making all these demands coz he knows i wont accept them.

sounds like he doesnt want us back together. or just wants to see me miserable.

i must chose him. he says yes its a test to see what i want. him or money more. and that is so unfair. i can choose him but that wont make things any better between us. he has become bitter in his ways and he says its all coz of me when i forced the divorce to go through. he asked me once almost 2 years ago wen i filed for divorce not to go ahead with it but i was abroad again at that time wen he asked and i said no and then a few months after i decided that maybe i shd stop the divorce but he said no coz he wanted my pension money coz he was broke and couldnt pay his lawyer.

i know what is the right thing to do but how do i do it without losing him. i suggested if he wants our relationship to ever work again we are gonna have to try counselling again and lay it all out.

revenge is not the answer to our problems.

thanks for listening


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## Corpuswife

Your home will be ready soon. 

If someone REALLY wants to get back with you....they will be on their best behavior. 

Sorry, but he doesn't sound like he give a sh_t.


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## Indie

The thing is i used to be very sickly and he was always there fore me even wen my family kicked me out and never visited or offered to help wen i was sick. He did everything on his own for me and our kids.

Even recently, a few months back i injured my leg very badly and he ran around with me taking me to doctors and specialists to sort out my leg and wen i was hospitalised he was there for mw. He came to visit everytime he could. Even if the kids were not there.

I know he does feel soemthing but maybe he is scared that im gonna reject him again coz he didnt want this in the first place.

We had so many good times and a many hardtimes together and all in all we pulled through those difficult and challenging times together.
Yes he has his faults but im sure all that can change if we tried but i think he is angry right now of family interference last week and maybe i should just give him time and pace and see what happens.

:scratchhead:


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## Dan Carruthers

Solution : 

Conflict Management,Conflict Resolutions via Constructive Compromises and Amendments from both of you for a common good...

and I feel both of you love each other deeply ,despite the shackles and minor or stints of major turbulence..

Surely your relation ,can work out for a better life..( he might certainly be bitter on the divorce part)


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## Indie

So Dan you are suggesting MC to work out conflicts and resolutions.
Yes anyone will be bitter about the divorce coz he didnt want it anyways but he blames my family for it coz he thinks they pushed me into doing it and thats not true.

I went to every appointment with lawyer alone.

I do understand where he's coming from..guess i would also be bitter but i think i have given him reason now to think about what he really wants coz i mentioned us getting back together.

so will have to wait and see.

As for him asking me to choose..i dont think that is fair coz its not about money


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## Dan Carruthers

Indie said:


> So Dan you are suggesting MC to work out conflicts and resolutions.
> Yes anyone will be bitter about the divorce coz he didnt want it anyways but he blames my family for it coz he thinks they pushed me into doing it and thats not true.
> 
> I went to every appointment with lawyer alone.
> 
> I do understand where he's coming from..guess i would also be bitter but i think i have given him reason now to think about what he really wants coz i mentioned us getting back together.
> 
> so will have to wait and see.
> 
> As for him asking me to choose..i dont think that is fair coz its not about money


Mutual Talks can also work..MC is next option.

Again, I may infer, that the divorce part was a kind of warning you wanted to give him ( thinking he might change by that "threat"?) , before it actually happened?

( or may be becoz, your tolerance was beyond the "limit"..)

and certainly a rejected man, will show his pain n hurt by such remarks on you and your family..

Now

His poke at "money craving" is a pun and sarcasm out of his bitterness..

and I think, you should understand, he is honest enough for his care for you and even on his negative expressions.


Repair and Overhaul your Relation, Indie and do it Mutually and be in Love Intensely and Bettering it as the years go by.


Wishes


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## Indie

Thanks Dan

I think you are so right in almost every sense.

Thats what i would like to do..grow old with him and try iron out everything and love him forever but it has to work both ways as well and put all the bitterness and resentment in the past and start of fresh


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## Shooboomafoo

"He is a very lazy stubborn man. He wanted to be a bachelor again and not have to answer to anyone and i got tired of being alone at home with the kids every other weekday and every weekend except when his mom came to visit he would stay home. He alway put his friends first and that frustrated me alot."

"and I feel both of you love each other deeply" 
--Im not sure how any of his behavior can be called "loving". 
If marriage counseling is the thing you want to do, but it doesnt sound like he's willing, Id sure go for it. But this kind of behavior is not love or loving.


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## Shooboomafoo

Plus you already divorced him? 
I lived with my exwife for four months while I looked for a house to move to, that would satisfy my needs for the time with my kid I would NEVER shovel off like it was a burden. I watched her get ready for dates, and come home the next day. 
So, being face to face day in and day out is doing exactly what most would expect. Making everything confusing and painful.


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## wiigirl

Corpuswife said:


> Your home will be ready soon.
> 
> If someone REALLY wants to get back with you....they will be on their best behavior.
> 
> Sorry, but he doesn't sound like he give a sh_t.












Just what I was thinking.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

You divorced him. It's over. 

Unless ou BOTH want to get remarried/back together. So what do you want? But you BOTH have to want it. 1 person cannot do it alone.


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## sisters359

If the two of you want to work toward reconciliation, fine. But move out to your home and start fresh. Maybe give it 6 months of separation and then you each decide what you REALLY want. The thing is, you have not had a chance to figure out how much harder or easier your life is w/o him, b/c he's been right there the whole time. 

In that 6 months, make every commitment to being on your own, to solving your own problems and planning your own fun and entertainment. Manage your own money, and see what you can save. Challenge yourself NOT to think about him, not to plan on getting back together.

You won't know how much you like being without him if you do not commit to living and thinking that way. 

Yes, he stood by you when you were ill--but does he treat you crummy all the rest of the time? The "test" is just so wrong, too--no one does that to someone they love, no one deprives someone they love of the opportunity of a life time, which this travel is for you. Please do not give it up for him. It is weak and small of him to ask that of you. 

sounds to me like he needs to be the one showing his love for you, not the other way around. Can you get some individual counseling? You sound like you are afraid of losing him for the wrong reasons. Please take the time to figure out what you really want. God bless.


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