# Haunted by a terrific memory, and wild imagination



## confuzed (Apr 12, 2010)

Hey there,

My story is pretty much the same as everyone else's. We have been married for 16 years now, together for 19 yrs. My wife has always had friends that were guys "male". I never had issues with this because I just knew they were friends. And they were friends of mine; I always felt if you can be a friend of my wife, then you should have no issue being a friend with me. I don't pry and try to be buddy buddy with them, but I at least want them to know I am here, and what my role is.


Basically my wife has been unemployed for 5 years now. I make enough money to pay the essential bills and have a small amount left over for non essentials. The bulk of her day is playing an online game, or playing games on Facebook. We have had issues in the past with people I felt were getting carried away with talking to her. I always tried to maintain we have an online life and a real life and the two should never intermingle. There is a couple people that we have made an exception to this rule for and this guy was one of them. I met him and wasn't threatened at all by him. I am not the healthiest glorious example of male buffness. But I am not that bad either. I try to take care of myself and like to be clean and smell nice. He on the other hand is large, not so good looking, unemployed, and still living at home with his parents.

So basically I didn't care for this guy but always tried to remain polite and nice. My wife would talk to him at all hours via text and I was never concerned. I would ask what’s going on and such but never anything that would make my radar go off so to speak. I would do the normal check chat logs and text logs just to make sure things were staying in the lane so to speak. I always did this without her knowledge and never let on that I did it. On a couple of occasions she has gone to functions with him because he needed or would like a member of the opposite sex to join him so he didn't feel awkward. As I said before this didn't cause any REAL concern trust me I thought it was kinda effed up if you know what I am saying. But I trusted my wife, and nothing in their conversations caused me to think anything beyond being friends took place.

We would talk at night about how I felt she needed to start to cut off some communication with him, because the invites were getting to frequent. We both agreed this was needed because he was starting to view her as a surrogate girlfriend, and he needed to get on with his own life and find someone for himself. So the conversations would die down, the invites would not happen so frequent. Maybe he was still inviting her to things but I was never aware of them. I am guessing she had told him no or more than likely said that I said no to it. Either way I just didn't hear about them. 

On three occasions they got together, and I knew of each one and approved of it. In fact one time I invited him to come 6 hours to visit us for the holiday weekend. This all took place over the span of about 3 years mind you. Well about a year ago they were talking on a voice over internet protocol program we used for online gaming. And his voice was up really loud and I could hear him talking through her headphones. She asked him where he would like to go; meaning go to in the game they were playing and his reply was "between your thighs". I just kind of stepped back and said WTF did I just hear that??

Normally the guy would play this game from an internet cafe, I knew the people who worked there and knew a guy who was working and did not like him at all. So I went outside and called my friend there and asked this other guy if he was at the cafe and if so I asked him to go sit next to him to make him uncomfortable because he was trying to talk dirty to my wife. He told me no that he wasn't there and I explained to him what I had heard. This just caused him to get on my radar, I asked my wife about it told her I didn't like it and that I called our friend and told him about it. She was upset I called him but I didn't care I just wanted this guy to be as uncomfortable as I now was, or have as little privacy so that he would cool down the conversation or sexual innuendos.

To make the story short, they have maintained themselves as friends, and my knowing about the comment kind of cooled things down. About 5 months ago we moved from one state to another when I was offered a job promotion. About 3 weeks ago I woke up early and she left her facebook logged in. She was upstairs sleeping so I decided I would just look in her messages and just see what one of the 3 or 4 guys she talked to was saying. I came across an old message that was still in the history, she was having with the guy I called at the internet cafe. They were very good friends for about 4 years and would talk about life and concerns and such. He was just as much my friend as hers and I knew he would not cross that line. I found out that one of the times that she got together with the other guy, the one who made the comment, that something took place. They didn't have sex but were kissing for about 15-20 minutes until as she says it she told him he needed to leave. I asked what stopped it and she said he was weird and he was like grabbing her neck and it was kind of choking her. And that caused he to think what in the f*ck and I doing and stopped it.

This all took place about 2 years ago and I just found out about it 3 weeks ago. I have asked on several occasions only to be told no were just friends nothing has or ever will happen between them. Since the time something happened I have invited him to our house for the weekend, met with him and others in Chicago, and she has gone to his Halloween party.

I was told nothing ever took place after that night, and that it was addressed the next day after it did happen and they both agreed it was wrong and it ended and they were friends.


So here I sit, I don't think anything else took place because in the letter she actually was telling someone she felt she could confide in. And if she had more to say she would have done it in that letter. However I now look back to all the times I could have or should have pounded the guy into a pile of goo, and it angers me. I have had many conversations with my wife and she feels that there should be secrets between spouses. If she is talking to someone and they tell her not to tell anyone then she cannot tell me. I think this is wrong or am I in-correct? Is there such thing as secrets between spouses?

I also want to ask her what in the hell she was thinking that night and what all took place. I get the reply it was so long ago and she doesn't want to talk about it. And that it was a particular low in her life. But this doesn't help me... I don't think she understands that. So now every once and awhile I will be sitting there with her, or laying in bed and the thought of what took place hits me and I want to puke. It pisses me off so I pull away or go to another room to get away from her. I love my wife but I think we should atleast be honest with one another and that there should be no secrets between us period.

After finding out what happened we both agreed that there should be absolutely no more contact with the guy. And to my knowledge no text or chats or e-mails have taken place since then. I guess when she told him that I found out and that they couldn't talk anymore he was confused and didn't understand why because it had been so long ago and we had gotten together a few times since it did take place. I don't think he realizes exactly how bad I want to drive 12 hours and beat on him for a little bit I feel. To him its old news to me its current.


The thing I am worried about is since the time this all took place; our life has gotten so much better. We moved to a better town with better schools and opportunities. I have gotten a promotion and am making a decent salary if we can manage to stay on task with bills and what not. I want to forget about it all and just be happy that were actually maturing as a couple and life is starting to go good for us. But to me this is so recent and she doesn't want to talk about it. And frankly I don't want to mess up what we have going on now, but as I said I lay in bed holding her then I think about it and it just makes me sick. What can I do to stop this, i cannot stop the thoughts and hope that over time they go away. But I don't think they will until we actually talk and I can resolve this in my own head. So here I am, does anyone have any advice?


Sorry I know the post is all over the place with facts and time's and such but I really have nobody to talk to where I live now, I just moved here so I have no real friends, and nobody to vent to because normally it’s my wife and she doesn't want to talk about it. So as I was typing this posting thoughts were coming out.


Confuzed


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## MarriedinVegas (Apr 8, 2010)

Tell her this, its a quote from your article. " I don't want to mess up what we have going on now, but as I said I lay in bed holding her then I think about it and it just makes me sick. What can I do to stop this, i cannot stop the thoughts and hope that over time they go away. But I don't think they will until we actually talk and I can resolve this in my own head." If my wife said that to me about something, you can bet your ass we would be having some long talks.


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