# one off cheat and devastated please help me



## Dawn7 (Mar 4, 2011)

My husband has been suffering depression for the last 5yrs or more because of health complications which has affected every area of our lives. My husband also left me about 4 months ago because he believes our marriage has no value and since then I had a high school reunion and met up with a boy I had a crush on and we connected right away. He was very flattering to me and told me things I had not heard from my husband in a long time and had given me lots of attention and made himself available while my husband has been separated from me and on and off about our marriage and not sure if he actually loves me. this man has been very supportive to me and very kind. Because of my husbands rejection, all this was too much and I finally succumbed to what I said I would never do and had sex with this man. I am now consumed with guilt and loathe myself for what I have done I am asking God to please forgive me and I am so scared how this will affect my children and my husband who still does not want to return to me. If I tell him I know it will destroy him but I dont know that we can have a healthy marriage if I keep it from him, should he return. I know that I will risk losing him but I feel I deserve it. I do want to restore my marriage and work on it even though my husband has told me that he does not want to return but I still hope that he will, as he has indicated to his counsellor that he will not make any final decisions about divorce yet, so I see this as hope. Should I tell him what I have done?? my husband is on anti depressants and is already insanely jeleous of this man that I have cut all contact from. Please help me on this I think I should keep it a secret as I know that I will never do this again. I do love my husband very much but I wanted to know what it felt to be desired after such a long time. I need to let you all know that I feel the pits and I dont know that I can survive this, and I already know I have lost him. We are both Christians and I am hoping that God will finally come to my rescue and our marriage will be restored but after this I dont know that my husband is strong enough to withstand what I have done to him. He did a similar thing to me early on in our marriage (17yrs ago) but he was drunk and slept with two women at the time we were separated, he left then too. I was devastated but finally forgave him and praise God forgot all the pain. I hope he will remember this. But have to stress that he is very negative towards me and is receiving counselling. we have five beautiful children whom he loves very much. At the moment he is living with his sister and looking to find his own home so he can take kids with him on longer days. thank you for reading .


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

After reading this post, I am left asking . . what is it, exactly you want help with?

You are saying that you had an emotional affair that turned physical, while your husband was suffering depression from medical issues. Ok, so it is hard not to judge here, but what is it exactly you are asking?

Should you tell him? Should you not tell him?

You also said you feel that you deserve to lose him. If that is the case, you will have to determine if he has grace in his heart... Grace is when we get what we do not deserve. IE: you do not deserve forgiveness, but he could give it to you..

The outcome should not influence your decision to tell him though. That is like saying that you will only rob a bank if you can verify that you will not get caught. Wrong is wrong, and lying to him is wrong.

I dont know him, so i can not say what he will do either way... But my guess is that if he left over an EA, he will definately not come back when finds out you let another man have intercourse with you. Especially one that he doesnt like. That is like sleeping with the enemy.

Again, trying not judge... but would you? I dont know.. you tell me.


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## Dawn7 (Mar 4, 2011)

I have confessed this to my sister and pastor husband and wife. They have said that I should not tell him right now. The only reason I dont want to tell him is because of the damage it will cause him. I no longer care about me I deserve what I get and that is that he does not come back to me. I am in agony over what I have done and nothing can excuse it. I am crushed and there's nothing left of me. I am devastated at what I have done as I always prided myself in being faithful to my husband in heart and mind. I have a terrible sense of loss and I know that I am grieving my marriage. I dont expect forgiveness, that is not what I am after. As I said, I deserve what ever consequence I face. thank you for your comment.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Well, I would keep talking to your pastor because although pain has a purpose, you do not want to over do it on the self loathing. 

You have completely lost your way, that is real loss you feel. You broke your own rules. 

Just remember that pain is required for healing but suffering is not.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Why did your pastor tell you to not tell your husband you cheated?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dawn7 (Mar 4, 2011)

Well, My Pastor has advised me not to tell husband as it will absolutely crush him, right now he is going through organic depression. Maybe at a latter stage, provided that my husband wants to return to the marriage. He already guessed there's was some sort of EA going on so he really wants nothing to do with me, but also we have been disconnected for years because of many other issues in his life. I am taking a step right back and have decided to let him be, he doesnt want to speak to me anyway, so there's nothing left for me to do.... I am feeling much better today, not so self loathing, I'm slowly forgiving myself and you right twotimer I completely violated myself. Well, not all women who cheat are cheaters, nothing can justify what I did, however I was very lonely for a very long time and untouched by my husband for just as long, we had not emotional connection and no sex... and I did ask for us to get help and tried to talk to him about it but he simply didn't respond. Maybe I should have left him it wouldve been the smarter thing to do but I wasnt so smart... If my husband doesnt want to talk to me anymore I guess he's decided this marriage is not worth fighting for, in fact he had decided a long time ago, as he used me pretty much for his punching bag for all his anger issues from past etc... thanks again for reading.... Just wanted to share that bit coz sometimes women can make mistakes and deserve another chance. Reading all the posts here I admire deeply those men who would still want to try again with their wifes even after they have not shown any remorse or repentance. I have shown both and guess I dont get that priviledge or grace.


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## Dawn7 (Mar 4, 2011)

Sorry twotimeloser, I called you twotimer...lol...


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## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

If you still have respect to your husband you should tell him what have you done. this is his right to know, even if it would crush him, either he will come out of it new person or not. 
if you wait until he get better may be this news would crush him again and put him back to stage 1.
your pastor is wrong, you tell your husband what you have done.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

What is your pastor's training in dealing with clinically depressed people?

I think you need another opinion.

Does your husband have a physician treating him?

I recommend getting the opinion of either that physician or you find a professional yourself.

If your marriage is over, it may be better to just move on.

If you want to be together, this kind of secret will fester. Eventually it will come out. You having told others is the start of it. It is too juicy for the ones you told to hold it in.

If your husband is a violent man, that is a good reason to not tell him or even be with him.

But other than that? The point of telling him is key--it's about living a life in the truth of it. It is not about unloading your guilt


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