# ExHusband's Friend and Other Crap



## Baseballmom6 (Aug 15, 2012)

My ExH and I was married 27 years and divorced last year. My ExH and I had a friend (obviously more his friend than mine) whom I will call “John” that visited my ExH and I several times a week. In fact John and my ExH were very close. Although I am very hurt by my ExH’s affair which led to our divorce we are not on what I would call bad terms. In fact, ExH has said nothing bad or negative about me to anyone that I know of. Not that it matters, but John knew about my husband’s affair and even went out with the two of them. I have only spoken to John once since my ExH and I split up.

I am currently living with a man whom I will call “Cecil” that I lived with 30 years ago before marriage. We broke up on good terms however. Cecil had gone through a divorce and wasn’t ready to get married. I had never been married and wanted to marry and start a family so we split up and only had contact a few times over the last 30 years. Just for the record, ExH knew of these times.

When my ExH and I divorced I was awarded an item that John had borrowed from my ExH prior to the divorce. I asked John to bring back the item. John brought the item to my house while I was at work and Cecil was there. I recently learned that John spent more than an hour at my house talking to Cecil. Apparently, John relayed some very personal things to Cecil. However, Cecil refuses to tell me what John told him so I don’t know if it was about me, my ExH or the both of us. When I pressured Cecil to tell me what was said he said that I would probably deny it anyway. I told him that I believed in honesty and that I would tell him the truth about it. Cecil then said “You will deny it and John will deny telling me, so where does that leave me?” I said that because he doesn’t have any loyalty to John what difference does it make and that his loyalty should be to me. His response was that he shouldn’t have even brought it up but that he was just trying to let me know that John was not our friend. Well hell, I knew that when John (in effect) encouraged the affair. Cecil and I got in an argument about it and of course Cecil wants me to just drop it altogether. I know I should but it really upsets me. I can’t even begin to imagine what it was and what Cecil must be thinking about it. 

I think the reason the whole thing upsets me is because it kind of piggybacks another incident which occurred a few weeks ago. My ExH’s mother lives next door (we are on 2 acres fenced in together) and so ExH and his POS OW go there often (I know sucks big time)! Anyway, Cecil has communicated with POS OW a couple of times while I wasn’t there. Small things like POS OW stopping Cecil while he was cutting the grass and asking if he minded if their dog ran around in the yard. Another time Cecil just returned her Hello. I have asked Cecil not to communicate with POS OW in any way. He got upset and said I was just being silly and that once again it was my husband that cheated, not her. I told him that I felt he was being disloyal when he communicated with her. Of course, he responded with “Well, are your children being disloyal when they do?” I responded that although I felt in a way they were that they had no choice in the matter and I understood that. I told him that all that mattered is that I was uncomfortable with it, expressed it, and therefore he shouldn’t do it. He thinks that it is just being rude to her and she has done nothing to him. It’s not that I don’t trust Cecil. It’s just that I despise that woman and don’t want her to have any more of my life then she already has (I know she doesn’t but it feels that way since she now lives with ExH is what used to be our lakehouse.) 
Cecil has a psychology degree and is insightful to most situations. 

So my question is am I being overly sensitive? Should I just let it all go? Why does it feel he is being disloyal? It sucks being on this end of it all.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Let it go. Too much drama. Focus on you.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

You should not let it go- in fact, look at it closely.

His actions are very telling: Cecil does not care about your pain.

This is the strongest rule of thumb I've come across regarding relationships- do not waste your time with someone who doesn't care whether or not you hurt. 

Both items- him not telling you what the Other Side said about you, and refusing to ignore the OW- are bad enough to be deal breakers IMO. It is especially galling to me that he told you about it and hinted that what John said wasn't good- but that he wasn't going to tell you. That is terrible treatment. You two are dating- the point of dating and living together is to find out if you are compatible and the other is a good fit for you.

This is not a snarky question- haven't you had enough of people who don't care that you're hurting due to their actions, and just go on doing what they want anyway? You don't need that. That is not a good fit!

Take care of yourself. Keep only people who support and care nearby. 

I think that also means moving, BTW. I can't see how you could ever heal and recover living next to the Ex's family when they support the Ex, and the OW is over on a frequent basis. That is keeping yourself in the same painful environment, even post-divorce.

Be good to yourself and provide yourself an environment where you can heal. Between Cecil and the living situation, it is amazing that you are surviving.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I think you need to be alone. Why be with Cecil who obviously isn't honest with you. I would certainly expect him to say "You wouldn't believe what John said!" and proceed to fill me in. It could be about anything and it's odd he assumes you would deny whatever it is...

You should have left Cecil in the past where he belonged and moved on by yourself, making YOU the priority and doing whatever you wanted, spending time on hobbies and with friends who have your best interests at heart. Forget the drama - just get out of it all. Cecil is not your friend. It IS the woman's fault, too!!! NO WAY would I date a married man! It took two and she KNEW she was destroying your world and she didn't care - she was more interested in what was in it for her.


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