# Help making female friends.



## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

So....I have come to the determination that my brain is screwed up pretty good. I am not certain I could even handle a relationship at all right now or in the near future. My last round screwed me up pretty good. 

However, women don't seem to accept this and I think most assume I am simply snubbing them! It is not really my intent, and I know I am pretty confused, but having friends seems to help. What I have encountered is having to somewhat avoid hanging out with certain women because they seem to think "single" means I need to be dating someone and apparently I have some appeal. 

I think there are now 5-6 women around me that have all made it clear that they want a relationship with me, yet I either am just not interested in "them" or I just can't handle a relationship, yet I really like several women as good friends. I hate having to keep my distance so as not to lead them on. 

I know I have asked before about having just women "friends" and I know some guys and even gals have indicated it is just too complicated, which is frustrating. I think it was just easier when I was attached because women knew this so there was not some "bachelor" status hanging over me. 

Now, I suppose the point may come up in why I don't just hang out with guys. I have a LOT of friends, but most are married and just doing their thing and I feel like a 3rd wheel sometimes. I don't think I have even one male friend that is single, so they are juggling kids, married life, etc. 

I think I am getting tired of being approached by my attached female friends asking "so....you are single, why don't you date xxx?, she really likes you". It puts me on the spot and I feel like anything I say is just read as an excuse. I think I sense that women just want to be in a relationship so they cannot understand why I don't. 

This does seem to be hurting my "friend" relationships with them. I know in one instance I feel pretty bad as I seemed to have lead her on by offering to help repair her car, we got to hanging out quite a bit, and I even took her to casual dinners a couple times. I thought I was being friendly but she wants much more. I have had to avoid her a bit. She knows my past well but that doesn't seem to deter her from trying. 

I think some of this hit me the other night as I visited a bar I go to on occasion. I sit at the bar by myself. A young women came in by herself and I started chatting with her. She was younger and I honestly was just being friendly and chatting, but she left soon after and I think she left because she thought I was hitting on her. I contemplated coming right out with "I am not hitting on you", but that seems pretty blunt. 

At that same bar, I met another much younger woman and we talked quite a bit, exchanged numbers, etc. Went out with a group of her and her friends a week later and we all had a great time, but her friend then started talking about a double's dinner date and I realized the mess I was in sending mixed signals. I haven't really talked to her since. Maybe I suck at communicating my intentions. 

Is this just going to be part of life? I think in my 20's, this seemed super easy to just hang out with a group of women and have fun, but it seems SO complicated later in life.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

You may think you are being nice and 'casual' but not many guys I know would take a woman to dinner, one on one, just as friends. Signals are being sent over mixed because you are sending signals to females that, at this age, want a relationship (why wouldn't they?) and doing things with them that are kind of date-ish to say the least. 

Yeah it was a lot easier when we were in our twenties because everybody just wanted to have fun! The stakes are higher now, more responsibilities and a ticking clock.

It's ok to have female friends but a lot easier when they are in certain situations. My female friends are more like family to me and happily 'situated'. Basically either the wives of family members or my best friends wives (like extended sisters) and when we hang out, it's with our families, kids, etc. Maybe I'm old fashioned and I do believe in equality but some things just make it hard. If you want to have dinner with someone, go out with a dude or group of dudes.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Date them all!

Just don't try to sleep with them.

They'll either move on or stay platonic friends.

Either way problem solved.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

So let me get this straight. You offered to fix a woman's car and took her out to dinner a few times, just like a boyfriend would, and then were shocked she got the dating vibe from you? You've also gone to bars alone, chatted with single women, exchanged numbers, like a guy looking to pickup a woman would, and then were similarly shocked they weren't looking for friendship? This sounds like it's a problem with you and not them. 

I don't personally know why you specifically want female friends, but if you do then find them doing an activity you like. Go to a meetup or equivalent and hang out with groups of people. Then if you want to be friends do it in a group because that doesn't project the dating/relationship vibe.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Join clubs. they create a context in which to get to know someone without it having to be one on one.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

All these pretty young women chasing you around sounds really terrible.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Well, in some respects, it sort of does suck....at least for someone that apparently has some sort of PTSD type symptoms from my previous R. I am really good at being friendly, fun, funny, etc, but I literally get shaky thinking about a real relationship. I think my best option is to stay as friends, though I have already stepped over the line in several instances. 

In the case of the one I took to dinner, we were literally just hanging out in lawn chairs and I was hungry and asked her to tag along. As innocent as I thought it was, apparently I am a dense soul to think that. She has 2 kids and her AC went out on her car and I know she is tight on funds so I got it patched up. Now if I did that for a guy, he will just abuse my abilities and bring over another project for me. lol


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## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

Hey Bob - I am no meteorologists but its raining b!tches on you...I say, enjoy the ride! Don't worry about leading them on, just be honest and open with them. 

Honestly, a part of me says sleep with them all...but alas, you do not seem like that kind of fellow...So, kudos to you good sir! 

Either way, things sure seem to be looking up for you


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

If you're taking them to dinner and fixing their cars, it sure looks like you're open to a new relationship. It's easy to see why they would think so. If you just want female companionship/friendship, without the risk of getting physical, either tell them that or tell them you're gay.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, every woman I know has had at least one experience where a guy said he just wanted to be her friend, then ended up trying to get in her pants. Even long-time male friends can turn out to just have been waiting and hoping you'd eventually want to make the relationship romantic. Honestly, most men who try to make friends with women do it with the hope of at least some casual sex, if not an actual relationship. So, if you're determined to make female friends, you should be prepared to be viewed with some suspicion. If you try to make those friends via dating (which you rather have been), you're going to be seen as leading these women on. If you insist that you are completely uninterested in these women in a romantic/sexual way, a fair number are going to assume that what you're really saying is that they're sexually repulsive. Either because you're actually gay, or because you think they're ugly. So....good luck with that. 

There's probably a better and less fraught way to work through your commitment issues than actively trying to make friends specifically with women. If you want friends, find some guys to do stuff with. Insisting that you need _female_ friends is just...odd. And is bound to be looked at askance by men and women alike.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I guess I don’t get it... I think your too in your head and too worried about what the other person thinks. You just need to make it clear that you just need to be friends and your not looking for a relationship. You need to be honest, and if they get offended or whatever that’s on them who cares. Don’t flirt with them. 

As a women it’s so easy for me to have guy friends. It’s so easy to friend zone a guy and make it clear verbally and by how I act that I just want to be friends. I don’t understand why men can’t friend zone women.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> I guess I don’t get it... I think your too in your head and too worried about what the other person thinks. You just need to make it clear that you just need to be friends and your not looking for a relationship. You need to be honest, and if they get offended or whatever that’s on them who cares. Don’t flirt with them.
> 
> As a women it’s so easy for me to have guy friends. It’s so easy to friend zone a guy and make it clear verbally and by how I act that I just want to be friends. I don’t understand why men can’t friend zone women.


Just because you friend zone them doesn't mean they understand that they are friend zoned. Drop a hint and watch those white knights jump!


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Why do you want female friends that you have no sexual desire for? Don't you have male friends that you can sit around drink a beer with, fart, scratch and watch football? Save the women for sexy time.


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

You either have OS friends or you don't, it's kind of built in to everyone's personality type from a young age. If you've made it this far without them I don't think an entire personality change is a good idea. It's clear from your approach and how you tend to view women (as dating/gf/wife), that it's not easy for you to have female friends, so embrace that aspect and hang out with your guy friends.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Girl_power said:


> As a women it’s so easy for me to have guy friends. It’s so easy to friend zone a guy and make it clear verbally and by how I act that I just want to be friends. I don’t understand why men can’t friend zone women.


We friend zone women all the time too and it's the same sort of strategy as women use on men. But the OP is sending signals that it isn't a friendship he's after. Think about it but imagine it was a guy friend with the broken car. Your guy friend would bring over beer and you would work on the car together. You wouldn't just fix it for him and accept just a thank you as payment. What the OP did is commonly used as an act of service to try to get laid (used frequently as a covert contract by "nice guys").


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Just because you friend zone them doesn't mean they understand that they are friend zoned. Drop a hint and watch those white knights jump!




When you friend zone them and verbally say you aren’t interested in anything more than friendship than it’s on them is they get upset.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> When you friend zone them and verbally say you aren’t interested in anything more than friendship than it’s on them is they get upset.


You do understand that some men will play friends in the hopes of qualifying for a woman’s intimacy at a later date. Its a terribly flawed concept, but some men know no better especially when inexperienced.

These are the “friends first” mindset guys; the guys who put far too much emphasis on a solitary woman and wait her out until the perfect moment to attempt to escalate to intimacy, at which point her most comfortable rejection (Buffer) is to LJBF. This is made all the more easy for her because of the process the guy used to get to that point.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> You do understand that some men will play friends in the hopes of qualifying for a woman’s intimacy at a later date. Its a terribly flawed concept, but some men know no better especially when inexperienced.
> 
> 
> 
> These are the “friends first” mindset guys; the guys who put far too much emphasis on a solitary woman and wait her out until the perfect moment to attempt to escalate to intimacy, at which point her most comfortable rejection (Buffer) is to LJBF. This is made all the more easy for her because of the process the guy used to get to that point.




Trust me I know, women are the same exact way. The only thing that you can do is friend zone them, tell them verbally it’s not going to happen, and don’t send them mix signals. If they seem to be getting their hopes up or whatever then you stop the friendship because they obviously can’t handle it.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

For the women who don't "get it", tell them exactly what you said here:

".I have come to the determination that my brain is screwed up pretty good. I am not certain I could even handle a relationship at all right now or in the near future. My last round screwed me up pretty good."

Just be consistent and VERY CLEAR to them about this and that you just want to be friends DUE to these facts.
If THEY think they can hook you and get disappointed, that's on them.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

Ask them if you can have their toe nail clippings for your collection. They'll leave you alone then.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yeah, bob.

I don’t really see a problem here to help you with.

If you don’t want to date them, stop dating them and then telling them you want to be friends. No wonder they’re confused.

Women friends? Dude, have you heard of getting guy friends? 
From my experience, a guy friend is a helluva lot less trouble and shows interest in things most guys are interested in. 

I’m curious, exactly what is your objective with getting girl friends? You need help picking out sweaters or what?


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Well....... Not sure what else to say. 

Am I just trying to make women friends? certainly not, but I have a short list of women "friends" and I enjoy their company. They can share things about my hair style, clothes, where to get certain things, etc, etc. I have also learned while camping in an RV with them, some are great with housely duties. Hard to explain but I sure think women are much nicer to look at! Typically smell nice too!

I think honestly, the only reason I have strung a few along and not had a firm talk is because I am worried I will lose them as a friend. A couple certainly will stick around, but I am sure it will change things. 

There is one that was looking for a FWB kind of deal. I explained my situation and she said in the past men have tried to basically put a ring on it. Told her that won't happen with me. Then later she tells me that she has feelings for me and could see dating me. I told her we were on a FWB path and that was my only consideration. I guess I might just suck at sharing my true feelings for fear of hurting someone so I just let it dangle......

In another case, I ran into a woman at a music fest. More like she ran into me and attached herself. She is actually super fun and I have a blast with her but I am just not terribly attracted to her. However, her and her sister were needing a place in my town to crash after a local event and I let them crash here. This woman really wants to move forward, basically telling me she is not talking to anyone else but me, etc. I just cannot find the heart to tell her! All I can think of is how much fun it would be to remain just friends. She fits in with my group perfect. 

But I have learned i life, once you do it, you can't undo it! I can certainly see in some of these how I blurred the lines. Slap me around I guess. At least there is one that I feel I have held very firm with her. Even though we have slept in the same bed many times at the lake, camping, etc, we have never even kissed, even though she has certainly made it known that she would date me. She knows my ex very well and knows the bull**** I just went through so I think she gets it.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

You are recovering from a difficult relationship break-up (PTSD-maybe). The social world thinks you need a female to make you complete, but you don't--in fact, you are trying to find the Bob Smith that you used to be or maybe you want to work on being an unencumbered Bob Smith period--at least for a while.

If you are honest in what you want, don't trouble your head about females misunderstanding. But you like being around females. Just maintain your boundaries. You really need a sister or two. Grin. 

So is handling your sexual needs conflicting with your current desire for isolation from relationship? People do this all the time. Why do you think it is so hard for you?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You need to stay away from women until you figure out what you want. You've gone from being unable to have sex unless you're emotionally invested to FWB with no emotional ties. You want the benefits of a girlfriend without having a girlfriend. You want to act like a boyfriend without being a boyfriend. :circle:

And, you wonder why your second to last girlfriend became a lesbian? Just kidding. Do you have a dog?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I think you should look for lady friends at Weight Watchers meetings since you're NOT interested in dating them or playing with them.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> I guess I don’t get it... I think your too in your head and too worried about what the other person thinks. You just need to make it clear that you just need to be friends and your not looking for a relationship. You need to be honest, and if they get offended or whatever that’s on them who cares. Don’t flirt with them.
> 
> As a women it’s so easy for me to have guy friends. It’s so easy to friend zone a guy and make it clear verbally and by how I act that I just want to be friends. I don’t understand why men can’t friend zone women.


Oh dear, My Dear....

You do know why.

The man's brain wants to be friends.

The other little head wants to be friendly.

Guess which one dominates?

So powerful is that little guy.

It is what it is....

Now, @bobsmith is different, a strange thing this.
As in, not common. 

Is LD.
Is OK.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

Why do you need ladies to give you hair style advice, if you're not looking to attract the ladies?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> You need to stay away from women until you figure out what you want. You've gone from being unable to have sex unless you're emotionally invested to FWB with no emotional ties. You want the benefits of a girlfriend without having a girlfriend. You want to act like a boyfriend without being a boyfriend. :circle:
> 
> And, you wonder why your second to last girlfriend became a lesbian? Just kidding. Do you have a dog?


Leave dogs out of this.

On his wavering, fluttering, floundering.

Sounds like an emotional affair.
Between him and his conscience.

What was a conscious decision gets over-ridden by his guilt.
Then gets overridden by his loins.

Too many voices. 

Tis' a committee.
Tis' mercurial, non-committal. 

When such men walk a dog, the dog walks the ersatz master.

The dog can commit, can find a place to place his offerings.
Well, with a lot sniffing before hand.

Yes, uh, no, uh, maybe.

Aye!



[THRD]-


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Leave dogs out of this.
> 
> On his wavering, fluttering, floundering.
> 
> ...


You're getting a little bossy. Just remember *I* have steak and potatoes.

A dog would help alleviate his loneliness and provide companionship.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> You're getting a little bossy. Just remember *I* have steak and potatoes.
> 
> A dog would help alleviate his loneliness and provide companionship.


Oooh, you had to say it. Rub our nose in your scrumptious truth.

Remember, our dog told us everything. He says you have many other valuable lady things, beside steak and potatoes.

Stay away from our dog!


We agree, OP needs to get a dog, a male dog. 
Female dogs are too bossy.



The HeadMates-


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

sunsetmist said:


> You are recovering from a difficult relationship break-up (PTSD-maybe). The social world thinks you need a female to make you complete, but you don't--in fact, you are trying to find the Bob Smith that you used to be or maybe you want to work on being an unencumbered Bob Smith period--at least for a while.
> 
> If you are honest in what you want, don't trouble your head about females misunderstanding. But you like being around females. Just maintain your boundaries. You really need a sister or two. Grin.
> 
> So is handling your sexual needs conflicting with your current desire for isolation from relationship? People do this all the time. Why do you think *it is so hard for you*?


Because it is.... :surprise:

And that is the hard part that is hard to ignore. :|:smile2:


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

My 2 cents below: 



bobsmith said:


> Well....... Not sure what else to say.
> 
> Am I just trying to make women friends? certainly not, but I have a short list of women "friends" and I enjoy their company. They can share things about my hair style, clothes, where to get certain things, etc, etc. I have also learned while camping in an RV with them, some are great with housely duties. Hard to explain but I sure think women are much nicer to look at! Typically smell nice too!
> 
> ...


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