# Its over and I didn't even see it coming



## CinderellaDreams (Jul 27, 2011)

Hi everyone.
I'm new here and I guess I'm just looking for someone that can relate to what I'm going through.
I'm 25 years old and for the last 8 years I've been happy in a relationship with a wonderful man who gave me two beautiful children and a marriage. I won't pretend everything was a bed of roses all the time, like every other couple we had our challenges, mainly financial problems. Life however was pretty great and I honestly stupidly believed it was forever. Having being with him for pretty much my whole adult life, I worshipped the ground he walked on and I would and still would move heaven and earth for him. He too was a family man who treated me like a princess and adored our two children.
Just over a year ago after a dry spell of work (building trade) my husband took up employment abroad to top up our earnings. This was the most difficult thing we have ever faced and both myself and our children missed him terribly. He too struggled with home sickness for a long time and would speak to myself and our kids on the phone and via video messaging every night. I attended college full time with the plan being I would then go on to study at university and one day our family would immigrate. This has always been a dream of ours!
College proved to be stressful juggling it on my own along with caring for our kids and running the home, but it was also a god send for keeping me motivated and focussed. After 4 months in the job my husband received a promotion which has since followed by several others which has now put him in a position where he manages 600 people. Whilst I was thrilled for him and delighted our financial worries were melting away I longed for my husband to return to us and for our family life to return to normal. Of course he promised it wasn't forever but that he had to grab the opportunity whilst it was there and make the most of it. With the promotions his level of responsibilities increased and in turn so did his working hours. Days would pass where I would hear nothing from him or it would take days for him to reply to a text. Gradually days turned into weeks and at one point this year he hadn't spoke to our children for almost two months. This infurriated me as I felt he had lost track of the whole reason he was out there, which was to support his family, get us through a financial dry spell and then return home as soon as any of us felt enough was enough.
One day whilst on the phone to him I asked him are you ever going to come home, to which he replied im not sure. Shocked by his answer I demanded to know what was going through his head. He said he'd had alot of time out there to think, and he wasnt happy here anymore, for the first time in his life he had time to focus on what he wanted, his career, and he didnt want to give it up. Obviously this gutted me but I tried to tell myself he had been away from us that long that he'd lost sight of what mattered and after some time at home with us things could return to normal. But it didnt. 
3 months later after him hitting myself and all of his family with the excuse that he had just fallen out of love, it was revealed he is in fact in a relationship with a 22 year old he has met across there. He's worked abroad for 15 months now, of that 15 months he spent 7 days at home with us as a family before all this happened, and a further 7 days with our children after we had split.
He refuses to give me answers/reasons/closure as to how all this has happened. I dont understand it 
Obviously with him being a million miles away and in a new relationship I have nothing to try to work with or fix, and after everything he's put me through I shouldnt want to, but i cant stop loving him, as much as I want to 
I struggle to believe that just over a year ago we were a normal, happy family, and now I've lost everything, for no reason.
He's now talking about returning next summer for good and bringing his new girlfriend home with him to live in our marital home. (I have since moved out with the two children to our own place). I cant believe this is happening.
Its hard enough trying to accept that my marriage is over when there was no warning signs or build up to it, it was a bolt out the blue for me. But to have to accept that he's happy and moved on and ready to bring someone else into our childrens lifes is the worst slap in the face. 
I spent a year pining for my husband to return and now its never going to happen and im absoutely devastated 
Somehow, with all this going on I managed to get through college and passed with my final grades being straight A's and have landed a place at university this year studying for a Psychology degree. This was a dream of mine yet it feels like all my enthusiasm and hopes for the future have been wiped away.
I cherish my two children and its them who will get me through this and make every day of studying worthwhile, but right now I just feel so sad, lonely and lost.
He returns back in 2 weeks time to spend a week again with the children and I'm dreading seeing him.
Please tell me it does get better 

Thanks in advance for any replies xx


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

File for divorce and child support STAT.

He is gone so you need to treat him as such. From the math, you've been with him since you were 17. You're 25 now. You guys were simply too young and he wasn't ready for a committment. It seems he doesn't know what one is either since he just left for a new chick and plans to bring her back to the home you lived in together, marital home.

Protect yourself.


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## CinderellaDreams (Jul 27, 2011)

He's raised the subject of divorce a few times, each time I shoot him down. Suppose that just makes it all the more real that this is happening 
There's a 9 year age gap between us, he's 34.

x


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> File for divorce and child support STAT.
> 
> He is gone so you need to treat him as such. From the math, you've been with him since you were 17. You're 25 now. You guys were simply too young and he wasn't ready for a committment. It seems he doesn't know what one is either since he just left for a new chick and plans to bring her back to the home you lived in together, marital home.
> 
> Protect yourself.


This.

 I am so sorry. I have no advice.


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## setadrift (Jul 27, 2011)

I am so sorry for your heartache! I wish I had some pearl of wisdom to offer you, but alas I do not. I can only say that you are NOT alone out there!


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## Separated79 (May 28, 2011)

I know how it feels that the person you love had suddenly found someone new,and forgotten his family.
It looks like your husband has given up on his weakness(temptation).
My stbxh is in rebound relationship right now just after a month of separating and he said he's living the dream.
It hurts to know that once the person you love has changed.
Marriage is a work on progress.It takes two people to make it work it fails when one of you has given up on it.
All I can advice is keep doing what is the right thing for you and your children.
Stay strong and keep on going whatever you are doing right now
think of what matter most to you now and make the right decision.


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## Avalon (Jul 5, 2011)

It breaks my heart to read this  I know while you're in the middle of this it's hard to look at things objectively, but you're young, you have two amazing children, and you're in school following YOUR dream and doing a good job of it. Don't give up on your dream and your life. You'll get so much strength from your children and working toward your goal in school. Keep your chin held high, and focus on you and your children


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

I'm so so so sorry for what happened to your marriage. There is only one thing you can know for sure...It might take a while, but it's all going to be ok in the end. You seem like a strong, loving person, and you will be ok. It's understandable the devastation that you are feeling right now, but trust me when I say, it will get better, and you will stop hurting eventually.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

CinderellaDreams said:


> He's raised the subject of divorce a few times, each time I shoot him down.


DO NOT do this. 
I know it goes against everything you want with him but the thing is, if you fight him on this, you will appear desperate/needy/clingy and those traits are NOT attractive. Ever. 

THe worst thing you can do now is cling. And beg. And plead. Don't do it.

If you want you can tell him, "While I don't agree with your decision to divorce, I respect it. I want you to be happy and like you married me with free will, if you want to leave, the door is open."

Get a lawyer. 

By your math, you were dating him when you were 17 and he was 26. That is odd to me, that a man who was almost 30 years old was going after a 17 year old. So I'm not surprised that at 34, he is going after a 22 year old. Seems to fit his pattern, no offense.


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