# Seeking advice from those that have "been there"...



## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

I'll try to make a long story short, but don't know how well I'll do.

First marriage was a disaster: too young, rebound guy... he turned out to be a cheater, drug addict and p0rn addict. Divorced after 9 years.

Second marriage was a disaster: first real relationship after divorce, felt responsible for the guy... he turned out to be a liar, alcoholic, control freak and p0rn addict. Separated for over 3 years, still married, but no contact since 2009. (Part of the long story being omitted in the interest of keeping it short).

Boyfriend: was my high school sweetheart and first true love...he's a wonderfully sweet man, who I believe loves and adores me. Reunited after 27 years apart (Another part of the long story omitted). Caught him looking at p0rn soon after we got back together.

Do you see the trend here? What is it with me picking guys that like porn? I'm a completely and utterly ANTI-P0RN. (Yet another part of the story that I will omit so as to keep it short-but there's a reason I cannot and will not tolerate p0rn in my relationship). 

I am willing to provide details if asked, just trying to keep the OP short... failing, I see .

I don't believe BF is an addict for several reasons: 1) He didn't blame me 2) He stopped "cold turkey" as soon as he knew he was caught 3) He has given me full access to check his computer usage at all times and there's been zero nefarious activity since D-day. So, in this regard (him not being an addict) I feel that I can continue my relationship with him because we love each other and have a great relationship otherwise. (Relationship is beginning to suffer some, sex-wise, but we are still close and loving).

The problem I'm having is that I no longer feel like having sex with him. I think about him, when he's not around, and I can't wait to see him. I desire intimacy when we're apart, but I don't when we're together. We haven't been intimate for several months now (because of me) and I'm afraid I'm going to screw up the best thing that's ever happened to me. He has not pressured me and he still treats me like a queen (thankfully), but I can tell he's sad about it. He has no idea that my distancing myself from him is related to the p0rn incident because it's been over 2 years since that happened and I was able to maintain intmacy I didn't feel for quite a while afterward.

Questions: How did you who have "been there" where I am now, get past it? How did you learn to not think about it and feel "less than" during intimate situations? How did you get over feeling the need to constantly check on his computer activity? How did you learn to feel confident and sexy again?

I welcome advice from anyone who wishes to help me, but PLEASE don't bother telling me to "watch it with him" (because I find it disgusting and have NO desire to see it EVER again), "get over it" (because I am trying to learn how to do that), "quit being a prude" (because I am not a prude and I DO enjoy sex), "stop comparing yourself to the 'stars' in the videos" (because I don't see how it's possible to NOT do that).

Thanks for reading my long "short" story.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Peachy Cat said:


> Questions: How did you who have "been there" where I am now, get past it? How did you learn to not think about it and feel "less than" during intimate situations?


I was married to two addicts. One is now dead. The other has somehow managed to live through horrific d.t.'s, run-in's with the law (DUI's) and loss of his job.

You are not involved with an addict, but you realize there is a pattern. I know what you mean about desiring the guy, then when he's physically present, the desire just ain't there.

This is classic of codependents. Everyone is a little codependent, but we "codies" take it to a whole new level. I would suggest you get hold of Melodie Beattie's _Codependent No More_. I went to Al-Anon for years. Even after I got the addicts out of my life, they had left me with lots of residual damage. I also attended CoDA (Codependents Anonymous).

It worked for me, along with IC. Maybe it is something you should consider.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

My best advice?

You have to understand that the VAST majority of males do, in fact, look at porn... some moreso than others. By definition, that makes your 100% no-porn stance "alternative". That means you have an obligation to alert potential partners of that right up front... directly, eg:

"Do you EVER look at porn? If so, we cannot date."

That's for your next relationship. For this relationship, I think you need to end it right now before you mess with this guy any further. I honor your right to decline any porn whatsoever in your relationships. I just think you need to realize that because it's you who is out of lockstep with the norm, it's incumbent on you to make that very, very, crystal clear right up front -- the same as I would say for any other alternative relationship including mine.


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## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

@Jeff/BC: You wrote what I've been thinking... I feel a lot of quilt for "making" him give up p0rn just to stay with me. I keep wondering if he'd be better off without me, especially now that it's gotten to this point where I no longer feel able to "perform".

He did know, up front, that I was staunchly "anti p0rn" and I realize that's why he hid it from me (deleted history). I guess maybe he thought "what she doesn't know won't hurt her". I really wish I had never found out because everything was amazing before that fateful day...


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## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

I've been trying to find a way to "bring it up again" and let him know that the distance is related to the betrayal and my inability to get past it. I don't bring it up because I know he feels bad. He was embarrassed and remorseful at the time I confronted him and that would have been the best time to hash it all out, but I was so hurt and confused I really didn't talk about it much beyond the confrontation. Now, because so much time has passed, I feel like I would be beating a dead horse.

There's so much about what happened that plagues my mind; it's almost an obsession. I play out scenarios in my head and it makes me crazy all over again..._so... he sat there at the computer with p0rn in one window and "whatever" in the "decoy" window minimized at the bottom... that way, when he heard me drive up, he could quickly close the p0rn window and simply be viewing the other when I walked in_. OR...._he's looking at the clock... she gets off at 7, I better start deleting the history now so I can get busy washing the dishes before she gets home..._ OR... _Crap, did I remember to log off the p0rn site? I better double check, she might find some cookies in the cache_... OR.... see what I mean??

I know most of it is just crap in my head (not that he didn't probably do those things-but does it really matter 2 years later?), but I can't make it stop. It scares me that I had NO IDEA anything was going on until I happened on it completely by accident. And then... there's that: what if I hadn't gone google searching that morning and found his "search" text in the auto complete? He'd still be doing it and acting like nothing was wrong.

I am at an impasse and I'm scared. I still feel betrayed and it makes me angry.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

Peachy Cat said:


> He did know, up front, that I was staunchly "anti p0rn" and I realize that's why he hid it from me (deleted history). I guess maybe he thought "what she doesn't know won't hurt her". I really wish I had never found out because everything was amazing before that fateful day...


Well in that case it's all really quite easy. Consider. Not only do you have the problem with porn. That one is a bit grey because, as I noted, you're the unusual one there. It's hard to get all down on someone who is "normal". 

HOWEVER, the other thing you know is that your boyfriend lacks honor. THAT is a huge problem. If you told him clearly "no porn", he agreed, then he not only watched porn but hid it from you there is really no other interpretation. I'm the first to admit that I am a fallible human being. Yes, I deceive sometimes. Yes, in general, I do things that don't measure up to my own standards of honor. But I cannot imagine me doing something which I knew for a fact would horrify Carol. I'd divorce her first if it came down to it.


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## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

You are correct that the "lack of honor" is at the crux of my problem. I mean, if he had said to me, "I know *** and **** hurt you deeply by watching p0rn and lying about it, so I don't want to do that to you. Would you mind if I watched a little blah, blah, blah while you're at work?" I would have said, "Yes, I mind very much and you get get the ef out if that's what you feel the need to do".

So, he did it and hid it. He wanted to have his cake and eat it, too.


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## mrsamazing (Feb 9, 2012)

Where *does* your intolerance of porn stem from? If you can get over that, this problem won't come up again
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

mrsamazing said:


> Where *does* your intolerance of porn stem from? If you can get over that, this problem won't come up again
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I was sexually abused by my grandfather when I was 6 through 9 years old. He LOVED p0rn of all kinds, magazines, photos, videos.

Even years and years later, I can still remember some of the "movies" he used to show.... old 8mm films, with no sound, projected on a portable screen. 

I have been in and out of counseling over the years, but have to admit that most of the issues addressed were directly related to the marriages I was in, rather than the childhood sexual abuse. I kind of quit trying to fix myself and resorted to "survival mode".


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## mrsamazing (Feb 9, 2012)

That makes sense peachy. However, you can't be happy with others if you can't be happy with yourself. Survival mode robs you of a real life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mrsamazing (Feb 9, 2012)

I am so sorry for your trauma
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

Thank you, mrsamazing-for the advice and the support.

I honestly feel that I "got past" or "got over"--whatever the phrase should be, the abuse. I know I have self esteem issues because of it, but I've managed to find good reasons to keep being the best I can be.

The reason his betrayal hurt me so much is because I trusted him completely and totally. He was my first true love and I never quit loving him since high school. When we got together again, after 27 years, I finally felt "at home" sexually and was able to truly enjoy intimacy in the relationship.

I tended to blame myself, a little, for the 2 others that were porn addicts because I know I was not "good in bed" with them. I had hang ups and sometimes had to really work hard to even be affectionate with them. But, intimacy and affection in this relationship seemed natural and real; I was even surprised at myself because I had long since thought I was "broken" and would never really be one of those women who desire intimacy. The porn viewing was during the "honeymoon" stage of our new relationship. In fact, as I drove over 6 hours to see him after not seeing him for 27 years, he was viewing porn an hour before I arrived.


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## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> I'm sorry too. Think of beating these demons as a personal victory you very much deserve.
> 
> If you don't, your grandfather and the horrible things he did win.


Thanks for the support.

Thankfully, the bastard died when I was 13. 

I was almost 25 years old before I realized I was even traumatized. I always remembered the abuse, I just thought of it as "the past" and had no clue it was still affecting me. I know that sounds crazy, but I really thought I was "fine" once he died. Wishful thinking, I suppose.


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## mrsamazing (Feb 9, 2012)

That would be very hurtful to me, I think. But your feelings about it come from 30 plus years that have nothing to do with him. I hope that the two of you can come together on this, but be advised, he will feel betrayed that you have not shared with him the source of your withdrawl. he well feel deprived of a chance torepairwhat hes done. This is not to blame you, just a heads up of what might happen when you explain it to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

mrsamazing said:


> be advised, he will feel betrayed that you have not shared with him the source of your withdrawl. he well feel deprived of a chance torepairwhat hes done. This is not to blame you, just a heads up of what might happen when you explain it to him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've thought of this, which is why I keep hesitating... yet, the longer I wait, the worse it's going to be.

I think I'm ready to "rip the band-aid off" and be honest with him.


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## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

I was reading another thread about trying to regain trust when you've betrayed someone and it occurred to me that I have not really tried to trust him again... I just made a vow to myself that if it happens again he's gone and gave him an ultimatum: porn or a relationship with me.

And I don't trust him. I still check the computer once in a while. I'm glad that we can't afford a cell phone for him right now and we share mine. I still get a sick feeling in my stomach when I think about the day I accidentally discovered it all.

I have to talk to him. He doesn't even know I come to this site--I use his "trick" of private browsing...I'm being sneaky and I hate it. I've justified my "private computer research" by telling myself that I'm trying to work it out on my own so I don't have to "confront" him all over again. 

How DO you learn to trust someone when you know they can look at unspeakable things and act completely normal around you? How do you learn to trust someone that has proven they will lie to your face without batting an eye?


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## mrsamazing (Feb 9, 2012)

I think its yourself you don't trust. You don't believe that you can deal with the complications of a love life. Also, you are equating your mans behavior to that of your grandfather. your loving partner could never in a million years do anything that actually compares to what your abuser did.
I think when figure out to look at him as an individual instead of a man who likes porn like your grandfather did you'll get some where.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

You're right in some regards, mrsamazing.

I keep thinking "I'm the common denominator", there's something wrong with ME that makes every man I'm with feel the need to supplement our sex life. I don't believe I am normal sexually and I just wait for the expected other shoe to fall. And it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.


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## mrsamazing (Feb 9, 2012)

Or.......it might be that they are all men.....lol...
But yes, your reaction to the behavior of others is a common denominator. You clearly have an intellectual understanding of the issues you are dealing with, you just can't figure out what to do with the emotions that your past triggers. Know that you deserve to be happy and fulfilled.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

Dang it! I was hoping I'd come on here, post my question and get the easy fix 

I suppose I've known for a while that I was going to end up back in counseling. I was just hoping I was done with all that. 

Seriously, my pride has kept me from admitting that my feelings about what happened on D-Day (January 2010) were not what has been making me crazy for the past 2 years; it only fanned the flames. I'm so tired of feeling like it's the end of the world when I have this amazing man who loves me, standing beside me, ready to help me take on the demons that have tortured my soul for most of my life. 

Perhaps it's time I let him in? I wonder though, will he take a peek inside my crazy head and run screaming into the night?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Peachy Cat said:


> Dang it! I was hoping I'd come on here, post my question and get the easy fix
> 
> I suppose I've known for a while that I was going to end up back in counseling. I was just hoping I was done with all that.
> 
> ...


I just read a quote in Beowulf's "Deep Thoughts" thread:

It is better to lose your pride for someone you love, rather than lose that someone you love with your useless pride.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Peachy,

This is my perspective as a man.

Im very sorry for what happened to you. That is a terrible trauma. Somehow you have to free yourself.

And MOST men look at porn. I agree with a prior post that if YOU are honest with a guy up front in the future it is perhaps reasonable for you to get into a relationship with someone who CLAIMS they dont look at porn...but you could be setting yourself up for a long string of disappointments..

Personally I look at porn ONLY when my sexual needs are not being met by my wife....really its end of story. If she is in a phase where we are "in synch" as she states it, then my interest in porn drops to ZERO. However, if Im feeling sexually neglected...then porn becomes an outlet. Its not an addiction at all. Its a DISTANT second choice alternative...at least to me. Its certainly a lot better than cheating or turning to the physical reality of porn (prostitutes)..

Men NEED sexual contact and intimacy. Much more than a lot of women do. I think this is the genesis of the success of porn. Men need an outlet when their wives or GF or whatever are simply not available to fulfill their needs. For me its a sad outlet sometimes as it means Im not getting what I feel that I need from my wife.

I think a lot of women dont understand that for men sex = love = intimacy....when our women are not there for us....it can be bad...
Perhaps your guy is having the same issues.

Maybe its in your power to get him to stop considering porn as an outlet.

Again, please understand that I fully respect your history and Im really sorry that happened to you. I can really understand where you are coming from...however, you can't expect the world of men to get into your mind and feel your pain. We have our own pain to deal with. Porn is a non-judemental source of a sex and even a sort of sad intimacy "on demand"...very few women can really provide that.

Some people simply need certain stimuli to get their hormones going or whatever. I wrote today about my own wife's excitement from certain male movie stars...I feel about it like you do about the porn....I cant deal with it as I cant compete and it creates intense jealousy based upon my own childhood experience..

However...after much thought on my part...I find its unreasonable for me to try to control another persons thoughts....

Controlling his interest and ability to look at porn is like persecuting him for thought crime. 

You are trying to change him and its not fair. Its also not practical.

You can't do what you are doing....holding back on intimacy and sex AND restrict his access to any porn...

You cant go on this way with men. 

I totally agree with you about not looking at it yourself. There is no way anyone should ask you to do that nor should you even consider it. 

However, if your guy is doing something that is LEGAL and to him harmless..he should be free to do that as long as he does not bother you with it. And as long as it is really not an addiction...(inhibits his life etc etc).

Looking at porn does not equal porn addiction.

respectfully....


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## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

fetishwife, thank you for the "male perspective", I truly appreciate you taking the time to comment.

I find it interesting (no sarcasm, truly I do find it interesting) to read that you view porn when your needs are not being met. MOST men that I've read comments from on other forums will flat out deny that it has anything to do with what their wife is or is not doing... I've always believed that a man views porn because he feels he's missing something from his wife/partner.

That being said, our sex life was really, really good during the time he was viewing. Seriously, we were making love almost daily. I will say that he never viewed it while I was at home (always when I was at work). I don't think he felt sexually neglected by me... but I could be wrong. (?). He did not seem "desensitized" toward me, nor did he have problems performing (the way many porn 'addicts' do).

You also make a great point about holding back on intimacy AND not allowing the porn; perhaps I should rethink it and just say "go ahead and view it, just don't make a big deal about it and don't leave crap on the computer for me to find". But, then again, it's having found out about his viewing that got me into this funk to begin with...

I'm so confused.

Anyway, we DID talk about some things this weekend and I think we're on the right track to getting it worked out. I am going to find a new counselor and start getting my crazy head shrunk


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

I dont think you are crazy at all.

However the two sexes trying to control each others internal stimulation is a problem. 

Jealousy and a sense of inability (or even the need to try) to compete is a horrible sad state to be in.

Is there a difference really between my own wife being sexually aroused by a movie star and your boyfriend being aroused by porn?

As a man...to me there is no difference whatsoever...

And yes...when my wife is meeting my needs...which means really intimate emotional needs...NOT JUST SEX.....I do in fact lose total interest in porn.

Actually we are somewhat uncomfortable with each other now and she is clearly not sexually attracted to me at the moment....(although 3 weeks ago I had to beat her off me)....

I still have little interest in porn.

To be honest though..in the past when I have gotten into it...it warps my mind...for example I start to want to imagine my wife having sex with another man...I went through a phase where I was obsessed with the idea that I wanted to see this...

LET ME TELL YOU...I DO NOT REALLY WANT TO SEE THIS!!!! UGH!!! I got jealous just knowing she go aroused by the movie star even though Im the one who got the hot sex.

So I do have some issues with porn. I do think it CAN be unhealthy for some people and I think its unhealthy for me...

But for me, and I think most guys, the need for sex can be like the need to go to the bathroom..(sorry to make it sound gross but Im trying to make a point)....when you gotta go you gotta go!

Once I realized that porn was warping my mind I quit...I was never addicted...but it was messing with my sexual mind...

I like to be in control...so I quit...and Ive look at (almost) none for several months.

By the way, my wife does not care if I look at porn at all...but she has zero interest in looking at it.

On the other hand she was more than happy to have me watch Daniel Craig movies with her..which I did for quite some time until I started seeing that it was her porn.....boy I got tired of that...but I wish I had not lost my temper and become so upset and rejected and needy. 

Fortunately Im starting to find my footing again.

If you and I can let our lovers be who they are...we can set ourselves up for happier love lives.....

Its really tough, Im glad to hear that you realize the issue and are so willing to look at it again.

respectfully...


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Peachy Cat said:


> I find it interesting (no sarcasm, truly I do find it interesting) to read that you view porn when your needs are not being met. MOST men that I've read comments from on other forums will flat out deny that it has anything to do with what their wife is or is not doing... I've always believed that a man views porn because he feels he's missing something from his wife/partner.


I stumbled across porn on my h's laptop several years back and also felt very betrayed and bothered by the discovery. In all of the looking around online trying to make sense of it, I basically came to terms with the fact that men viewing porn is a lot more common than I thought. I don't recall any man saying they did it because their wife was not 'good enough in bed', 'sexy enough', etc. but rather there was a difference in sexual drives so they did it to satisfy a higher sex drive. I guess my take was that it was an issue of quantity, not quality...and masturbating, whether with porn or not is somewhat different that sex with the wife in that they do not have to please anyone but themselves. 

In reading your history, I can see where you place a very negative association to porn based on your childhood abuse which is certainly understandable (and sure doesn't make you crazy!) but most men viewing porn would never in a million years consider abusing a child.

I am glad to hear you've begun to talk to your man, as it sounds as though you have a great relationship other than this issue. I honestly hope he is able to walk away from porn altogether. I actually am not bothered anymore if my h views it but if I were, I do think he would do his best to respect my wishes and stop.


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## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

He has walked away from porn, two years ago. And we are dealing with the emotional crap that was triggered in my brain. Thank you, everyone that took time to read my looooong posts and respond with honesty and personal experiences. I love this community and I happy to be a part of it.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Good! 

Now do your part and love him physically as well as emotionally. He probably sees them as the same as most of us "good guys" do....

This is will the best treatment to keep him uninterested in porn in the future....

If you pull away expect that he may do the same...team effort.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

Peachy, please let yourself off the hook, trying to "fix" yourself on your own or figure this out. Trauma drives us, with all its connections that just seem to strengthen inside the longer we let them go unattended. Have you considered that maybe there is a degree of PTSD around these thoughts and associations? You remind me so much of a bizarre, addictive relationship I had years ago that left me absolutely sick around sex, porn, etc. THe lesson for me was that I was not as open-minded as I pretended or believed when I got into the relationship, and that for me monogamy and trust really had to be reflected on all levels of sexual behavior; I learned that it's okay to expect that of a partner. Just thinking about that relationship right now makes me shiver--that's how deep that sense of betrayal can go. 
So my suggestion is to be treated for trauma, for PTSD. There are many good methods for this, from hypnosis to EMDR and much in between. Please be kind to yourself. Your early traumatic experience is strongly attached to certain images and sensations, this is the way our brains work. 
Here is a link about EMDR:EMDR: Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing
Hugs to you!!


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## geraldy (Jun 10, 2012)

Sorry but "no porn" is totally healthy and not something you should compromise or feel guilty about. It is weird that porn is so available and it is not good for relationships, just that people get too addicted to see it straight anymore. 

Please don't be hoodwinked into thinking it is anything to do with what you survived as a child, you are not in any way at fault.

Yeah I realise that the abuse involved porn so that is massively connected, but I share your conviction and so do many others that have not been abused.

I am afraid porn has shockingly become a norm for society, as has drug-taking for example, that does not make either thing healthy or a good pursuit.

All the best x


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

So...

What defines porn exactly? Just naked women full bodied? Men?

Just true sex acts?

Well my 45 year old wife gets crushes on particular movie stars and buys all their movies and reads all about them on the internet and magazines....and this gets her feeling sexual....sexual with me sometimes...although she tries to deny its sexual...she has done this all her life she says....Id say there have been 4-5 different movie star crushes over our 22 year marriage...she never leaves me out of it....in fact the most recent one made her feel more sexual towards me...

but it still pisses me off...(multiple reasons/insecurities in my own past for this)...

(she thinks its like teenage girl infatuation with boy stars etc...she just never grew out of it...so she says)....

Is that porn?

To me its no different than porn that men watch with actual sex or naked bodies......just because they have their lower genitals MOSTLY covered in Hollywood movies.....(they have simulated sex in mainstream movies...take their clothes off etc)....

It drives me nuts and we have gone to therapy about this....

If women get to get off that way, I don't see the problem with porn that men like....

Should we ban all media then? 

I think porn has many bad features....but I also think regular movies also put very strange ideas into people's heads....

Where do you draw the line...

If it was up to me....movies with stereotyped alpha males should be banned also! I can't stand to watch them anymore myself as I have such a negative association with this...

But my wife and the therapist tell me its ok cause its just "fantasy"

Puts strange ideas into my wife's head....(and I think she feels this way too actually).

She is not OCD about it and does not watch them non-stop...but every once in a while over the years she gets an infatuation with some movie star...its lasts a few months and then she gets sick of them...like a romantic crush...but she denies it is like that....I disagree..

Of course she never cares if I watch porn....but I generally dont like to anyway...

But where does everyone draw the line....

to me porn is a minor form of emotional infidelity as is what my wife does...there is plenty of simulated sex in mainstream movies...

There is no actual other person and no reciprocation in either case...but the person doing the fantasizing gets off in one way or another without their partner.

Is there a difference? Its really a technical difference and I think its hypocritical to say all porn is just bad period unless you include all simulated sex in movies too....obviously I would draw the line at porn that is illegal...violent...where someone is not consenting or cant consent that is an obvious place to draw a line...

But can I tell my wife not to watch movies with strong alpha male characters? 

I think most people would tell me I cant control her that way...

So why cant the man watch the legal type of porn with consenting adults?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

As a man, if a woman ever required me to be apologetic for watching porn, I would fill the entire house with high-definition screens streaming porn 24/7.


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## cocovas09 (Jun 3, 2012)

so you deny your bf sex and forbid him to watch porn? umm... arent you afraid he's gonna explode? that kind of back up cant be good. 

if you cant "get over it" the options are limited. i take it personally too when my hubs gets into porn.. but not to this degree. i watched lots of videos for a while of men spanking themselves to help me sort of desensitize myself. i think it helped to a degree. it doesnt bother me nearly as much as it used to. 

good luck hun


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## geraldy (Jun 10, 2012)

fetish wife
I feel for you as there is no difference at all with what your wife is into and men being into porn, cos she is 'getting-off' sexually on it and that belongs to you. I know this is not a popular opinion. People think it enhances their sex lives but in my experience it just dirties and cheapens it. Nothing is more exciting than knowing your partner is trying to only look and fantasise about you. 
Media is a pain in the but...
I know the world is going along with all this rubbish as if it is harmless. How can your therapist agree with your wife when you have clearly shown that it is hurting you so much? How can that be loving or a good thing, it obviously is not a good idea cos it hurts you. That is more important than any shallow thrill. xx


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

This shouldnt turn into a pron debate as the OP is looking for advice...but I will say this.

We as a society are lazy. We are far too quick to blame media for poor actions. Kids don't concentrate? It's TV. Kid commits a crime? It's rap. Intimacy in the toilet? It's pron.

We need stop blaming "things" for behavior and start blaming PEOPLE for behavior.

OP the likelihood of your relationship working out is not very good. Most of us guys like pron and when forced to give it up we fail. Why? Because as a gender we are visually stimulated not romantically stimulated. It's not an addiction...it's a past time. I know women won't understand that, but men don't understand soap opera's and teenaged vampire love. But we accept each other differences.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

That is funny you say that as I have discovered the opposite in my family...

Although I am visually stimulated as a man...Im also very romantically stimulated...

Apparently my wife of 22 years is more visually stimulated that romantically stimulated....at least by me.

Im nothing to sneeze at either!

I have lived with the pain of this stereotype...that women are romantically stimulated and not visually..for my whole adult life now...

Forget it....she is that way....its maddening....

NOW I KNOW HOW THE WOMEN FEEL about their men who want porn....I would give up porn 100% if my wife asked me...but she did not.

I asked her to give up her movie star obsessions and only upon pain of breakup/divorce getting mad, yelling, etc etc has she agreed not to do it anymore....although its fairly clear she still wants to do it.

There is a long drawn out story about this with therapy with us etc...but to me its all just a story...

She likes it...I dont like that she likes it...with the internet and DVD and netflix today this could be a never ending rabbit hole for an obsessive type....


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Peachy Cat said:


> Do you see the trend here? What is it with me picking guys that like porn? I'm a completely and utterly ANTI-P0RN. (Yet another part of the story that I will omit so as to keep it short-but there's a reason I cannot and will not tolerate p0rn in my relationship).
> 
> 
> I welcome advice from anyone who wishes to help me, but PLEASE don't bother telling me to "watch it with him" (because I find it disgusting and have NO desire to see it EVER again), "get over it" (because I am trying to learn how to do that), "quit being a prude" (because I am not a prude and I DO enjoy sex), "stop comparing yourself to the 'stars' in the videos" (because I don't see how it's possible to NOT do that).


Since MANY men use porn, there aren't too many ways to avoid it completely in your life. I tried that and came to wish I hadn't.

I won't tell you to watch it with him, but I will tell you that the first thing you need to do is figure out how to tell the difference between a man who uses porn normally from a man who doesn't. I will also tell you that you need to mind your own business and leave your guy alone about his use of porn as long as he's still able and willing to satisfy you sexually. 

Whatever's left after that is YOUR problem, not his. And it's up to YOU to fix it, not him. You can do this by learning that some men use porn as a way to get quick physical release (orgasm does have health benefits) without feeling pressured to perform with a partner. It takes less time, and gives a man a sense of freedom from his responsibilities to you. Why would you even try to take that away from your guy? 

On the other hand, porn can also cause problems. Men who masturbate frequently to porn can have difficulty staying hard or reaching orgasm with their partners. They may pressure their partner to do things that are distasteful to her. They may lose interest in having sex with her. Or they may expect her to be able to orgasm if they simply mimic what they've seen in porn, which is an unrealistic expectation that can leave her feeling dissatisfied.

In your relationships, if the kinds of things that I listed as problems are absent, then you're going too far and trying to control him too much if you insist that he give it up. I think sardines are disgusting, too, but I'd never dream of telling someone they weren't allowed to eat them.


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## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

Hey, I didn't jump the shark... just lost this thread for a while.

Thanks, again, for your comments and honesty.

My stance on porn is never going to change. I simply cannot and will not ever be "ok" with it. I thought, seriously, about "allowing" it for a time while I get my head together and decided that I just can't do that.

This is MY problem, not his, so I will not "spy" on him during this time of abstinence. If he chooses to "go there", I am willing to look the other way for a while. However, I've spoken to him about all of this (except my membership on this site) and he knows how I feel. One day, when I get myself all sorted out... I just might not want a man that decided porn was more important to him than I was.


He told me this (and it meant a lot to me): "I am a better man because of you. I am a better man because I quit looking for that kind of filth. I am embarrassed and sad that you found out and that I hurt you, but I'm glad you found out and I'm glad I've left it behind". I quoted it, but I can't remember verbatim...

My long, drawn out point is: I'm not going to say "go for it", but I'm not going to "forbid" it and I'm going to work on me getting my act together and being his physical partner again. I'm gonna see what happens....and hope that he's still there for me at the end.


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