# confused and cautious



## allicantake

I'll make this as short as possible. Feb. 2012 found solid proof of an affair by my wife with a Facebook friend who happens to be distant kin to me. We were married 20 years with 3 children ages 12, 8, and 2 then. I did everything I could handle to try to stop this, some of them the wrong things I'm sure, until Aug. when I saw a lawyer to try to shock her out of it. She was completely in this. Nothing would change her mind. I hired a PI and did as my lawyer said to prove adultery. My children were with OM ALOT and I was put aside like I meant nothing. When the PI reports came with video and pics, she wanted to come to an agreement, which my lawyer suggested we do. I only pay child support, no alimony, nothing, and we share custody. The debts were divided and paid. It's a done deal. I caught her in more lies during all this than I thought any one person could ever tell. Just the nature of the beast I guess. Anyhow she moved out in Nov. 2012 into a house OM bought for them and our kids. Our divorce was final in Oct. 2013 with her saying on that day she didn't want a divorce. She always said she didn't want divorced. Always said she loved me, but had to move out to see where her heart really was. Total BS. Had to be with OM, I know. So, a week after she moves out, she's calling and emailing that she wants to come home and work this out. I told her from day one that no contact with OM has to be established first, then we'll talk. Here we are, she's been gone almost 2 years now, still every day emailing and calling to say she's coming home to fix our family for good. Says this will never, ever happen again. But, I have been given every, and I mean every, excuse and reason in the book for why she's not left OM yet. Now, she says she's afraid there will be trouble with OM when she leaves there. Trouble for her and us. She wants to get restraining order, so she says. I'm just lost here on what to believe and what is BS. I will say that as far as words and talking to me, she sounds like a truly changes person who is sorry for what has happened. She talks great. Just like someone who really wants to reconcile, but the one problem...she still lives in the house he bought, and makes up a reason every single day for not leaving there. I'm just looking for some other views on this. I have read a lot of books, and have taken responsibility for my share of our problems, but not the affair. We had what I thought was a good marriage. There was no fighting, arguing, nothing. We got along great, but seemed to fall into a rut with duties of parenthood and all. She started Facebook about a year before DDay, and I could sense what was going to happen. I tried to talk to her, but she said she needed Facebook to unwind after each day. I have always worked and she was a stay at home Mom. And one more thing, she cheated on me one time before, 12 years prior to this one, but ended it after 4 months. I know we didn't fix what was wrong then, and it happened again. I don't ever want to go thru what I've, or my kids, have been thru again. I would love to have my family back, but at this point I'm really lost on what to do. Thanks


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## ReidWright

she sounds like an awful, lying, possibly delusional, serial cheater.

what else do you need to know?

have you been dating since the divorce?


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## allicantake

No, I haven't been dating. With what I've endured, I really don't feel like it would be fair to another woman right now. I wouldn't want to find someone wonderful and blow it because I'm not ready. It's not easy, even after this long. It's ALOT better now, but not easy. The kids are the part that hurts me the worst.


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## ReidWright

so she's so scared of this guy she wants a restraining order, yet she wants your kids living with him?

can you get the custody arrangement amended to get them out of danger?


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## commonsenseisn't

Sorry for your situation. It's rotten.

First point: she cheated on you years earlier and thus by definition she is a serial cheater. Very bad news. My personal observation is almost all serial cheaters have lost the ability to successfully reconcile.

Second point: she probably actually desires to leave the other guy for you and come back home. Desire does not equal ability. You should be asking yourself the question that even if her intentions to reconcile are sincere, can she actually execute a successful reconciliation with you?

Third point: have you realized that she is cheating on her current guy with you in an emotional fashion? If that guy knew she was constantly calling and e mailing you he would feel cheated on. Therefore, she is still a cheater. Do you want to reconcile with an active cheater? 

Fourth point: devils advocate... if she is really constantly pining for you and realizes she messed up.... maybe there's a chance? I don't know. Maybe, but it's quite a gamble. I guess you need to assess how much risk you are willing to run. I know I probably wouldn't take that risk. 

At least you have the vindication that she acknowledges she was wrong and wants you back. I didn't get that. If you are brave (or foolish) enough to give her another chance you must insist she leave the other guy in every way, shape and form. Non negotiable. Otherwise you won't stand a chance. Good luck.


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## GusPolinski

First off, get your kids out of there.

Second, order paternity tests for each of them. Given the fact that she's had at least two affairs (that you're aware of), it's quite possible that at least one of them isn't your biological offspring.

Third, tell her that, as long as she's w/ OM, there's nothing to discuss w/ respect to the two of you.

Here's an idea... no more e-mails. Tell her to CALL you if she wants to talk about things. Take each of her calls, put the phone on speaker, and use a Sony VAR to record the calls. Use the recordings as evidence, leverage, or whatever to get the kids out of there. Don't let her know that you're recording the calls. *By the way, check to see whether or not your state (assuming that you're in the US) is a "one-party consent" state w/ respect to recordings.*


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## Thor

You can never have your marriage and family back. They are long dead and gone. If you get back with her, you will have something very different. You will be with a known serial cheater. Can you live with the daily memories of her outrageous lies and her cheating? Can you ever really trust her again, or will you spend the rest of your life wondering what she is up to when she is an hour late or when she goes somewhere without you?


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## 6301

IMO, she's using you as plan B just in case things fall apart with this guy. 

Another thing to consider. When she had the first affair, if you think about it, I'd bet the house that she swore it would never happen again right? 

If it was me, I would let her know that she made her bed and now has to lay it it. If your worried about the kids, then consult your attorney about it and see if you can get full custody if she that afraid of him. Your kids are far more important than she is. She's a big girl and she made her choice, your kids however are forced to go along with the program.

I wouldn't believe for one minuet that she's a changed woman. She just wants you to hang on. Don't fall for it.


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