# What is the most common reason why a mother prefers one daughter?



## Abustress (Sep 25, 2015)

Hi there, just a father looking for answers. My wife and I have two teenage daughters, one that is 14, the other 16. Since as long as I can remember, my wife has always shown a clear preference for our older daughter. 

For example, she takes our older daughter our very often to get her hair/nails done, or shopping for clothes or what have you, yet she won't do such things with our youngest. Granted our younger daughter is more tomboyish whereas the older daughter much like my wife is into reading fashion magazines, doing typical girly things; to be quite honest while I am glad my wife and older daughter get along well to me the relationship seems more like bff gfs type rather than mother/daughter. But that's just me. 

Our younger daughter is in soccer and loves it but my wife has never been to watch her, she also likes camping/fishing/hiking and very outdoorsy but my wife will not do those things with her. As a result I have a much stronger connection with her than my wife, and I love it, but wish my wife would give equal time to our younger daughter. Heck, not to long ago our younger daughter was in need of some new bras and she asked her mother to take her to get some and she just told me to take her! Seriously?? 

Sorry if a bit long but hoping some of the women here could shed light as to why my wife shows such indifference to our youngest while putting our older daughter on a pedestal and how to help it.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Is your wife the first born of her siblings?


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## Abustress (Sep 25, 2015)

No, she is an only child.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Wow. Well, I can understand the whole fishing/camping thing, but not going to her soccer games??? Not taking her bra shopping?? Your wife sounds pretty selfish. 

Could there be some kind of unspoken/unconscious resentment? (Was this daughter planned? How was the pregnancy/birth compared to the older girl? How was she as a baby/toddler? )


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Your wife wants to be a friend, not a parent to your eldest. Since she was an only child, she's doing "big sis" things with your eldest. 

Does your wife also discipline your daughters unfairly? As in, exact very little discipline on the eldest and crack down harder on the younger?

If the above sounds reasonable, this behavior is very unlikely to change without therapy. When a parent sees a child as a friend and vice versa, the lines of authority are blurred. Your eldest will see authority in parents as one-sided and will mentally pit you in the role of "serious" parent and her mom as "fun parent."

Eta: Also, sorry STA, I meant to quote the OP but quoted your post by accident. Removed the quote so not to confuse.


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## Abustress (Sep 25, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Wow. Well, I can understand the whole fishing/camping thing, but not going to her soccer games??? Not taking her bra shopping?? Your wife sounds pretty selfish.
> 
> Could there be some kind of unspoken/unconscious resentment? (Was this daughter planned? How was the pregnancy/birth compared to the older girl? How was she as a baby/toddler? )


Yeah, it's very strange. It's weird how indifferent my wife is to our youngest. 

She was planned, sort of. I say sort of in that my wife and I agreed to have another but she said she really wanted a boy this time. Thinking back when my wife was pregnant with our second when she found out she was having another girl and the woman announced "It's a girl!" my wife let out a sigh and said under her breath "Dammit". Sounds horrible I know. 

Well, she had a C section for the second. She was also cholic as a baby. 



Satya said:


> Your wife wants to be a friend, not a parent to your eldest. Since she was an only child, she's doing "big sis" things with your eldest.
> 
> Does your wife also discipline your daughters unfairly? As in, exact very little discipline on the eldest and crack down harder on the younger?
> 
> ...


Now that you mention it she is harder on her with chores and such. For example both of our daughters have chores but if our oldest doesn't do them my wife doesn't get on to her but if our younger daughter so much as misses a spot my wife will yell at her. The other day she started crying because of a bad day at school and my wife just yelled "stop crying!" making things worse. 

She even thwarts my attempts to give her things a mother typically does. For example while our younger daughter isn't AS much into clothes, makeup, etc. as our oldest she still enjoys those yet my wife really cheaps out on that. Our oldest daughter has tons of makeup and she and my wife will share and get expensive makeup but if she does get makeup for our younger daughter it's cheap wal mart stuff or she'll tell her to mow lawns or something to make money to buy it. 

Well anyway, for our daughters 14th bday I told my wife I was going to give her a $50 gift card to a more high end makeup store my wife was really upset and said not to spend that much and said she doesn't want me buying her extra stuff.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Abustress said:


> She even thwarts my attempts to give her things a mother typically does. For example while our younger daughter isn't AS much into clothes, makeup, etc. as our oldest she still enjoys those yet my wife really cheaps out on that. Our oldest daughter has tons of makeup and she and my wife will share and get expensive makeup but if she does get makeup for our younger daughter it's cheap wal mart stuff or she'll tell her to mow lawns or something to make money to buy it.
> 
> Well anyway, for our daughters 14th bday I told my wife I was going to give her a $50 gift card to a more high end makeup store my wife was really upset and said not to spend that much and said she doesn't want me buying her extra stuff.


Your wife is destroying your 2nd Ds self esteem. This is abuse. She is a horrible mother to treat her child like this. She is raising the 1st D to be spoil and she is going to end up with an ungrateful child. 

Don't let her continue to treat your daughter this way. When you see something that is not right, speak up and protect your child. 

Don't let her tell you can't give the girl $50. You give her what you want. After all she spends awhile lot more on the 1st d.

How come you have let this bad behavior on your wife's part to get this bad. As the father this is your fault too. You have had time to step in and prevent this behavior. Do your job as a father.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm glad that you have recognised this now rather than later. 

Your wife should know that this could bite her in the you know what at some point. My aunt certainly preferred her eldest daughter to her younger. I remember my aunt refer to her third child, 2nd duaghter as the accident baby.

My mother thinks that when her eldest was dying of leukemia, she completely neglected the youngest. 

So what was my aunt left with...... a never married, no kids alcoholic daughter who...... even my father said that as my aunt was in a total care home claimed that she never wanted to see her again.

I know a lot of people will say that my cousin should have "just gotten over it" and she was an adult finally she could forge her own way.

I disagree when we live in a society that claims that parental influence is key to the development of child. Why do parents get credit when the child turns out alright but no responsibility when the child does not?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Your wife's treatment of the younger daughter is really sad. It's clear that she (your wife) harbors resentment toward her. 

I'd suggest you have a very frank talk with your wife and tell her you can't accept the great divide in treatment of your daughters. That is, if it is how you feel. You won't fix the problem by making up for your wife's lack of affection. Your daughter deserves it equally from both parents. 

I forsee a spoiled, older daughter getting away with bad decisions and a hard working, selfless younger daughter always trying to please and do the right thing. This may be a leap and I don't mean to offend, but what you may have in effect is a narcissist and a codependent in the making.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I have a 14 year old daughter VERY much like your 14 year old. I feel awful for her!!!!!


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Wow, that's sad. I'm adopted with a sister who is my parent's birth child and even *I* never felt any difference in the love they gave. I was close to both of my parents for different reasons and it was sort of an ebb and flow based on my interests as they evolved through the years but I love them equally. I only have one child but can understand having more in common with one, but love the the same.

To take zero interest in the younger child's activities and not treat them the same when it comes to money and spent on them or chores and other expectations is just cruel. And yes, you should have nipped this years ago. That can really hurt a child's esteem and she's already in her teens. You should talk to your wife about this - I HOPE she isn't aware of how unfair she is being but I don't see how she couldn't. 

Besides, she wanted a boy and the younger one is a tomboy - why can't she enjoy the soccer games? Would she have gone if it were a son playing?

Poor girl.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Why do you tolerate this from your wife?


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Your wife is a horrible person.

Sorry but Golden child is a VERY sore spot with me. Cannot stand mothers/fathers/gmas/gpas that do this. HORRIBLE thing that can do lifelong damage to the other child(ren).

Not a psychologist so I could only speculate as to why people do this. Whatever their reason most NEVER get "better" and most absolutely refuse to acknowledge they even do it even if confronted by multiple people.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

I was the first born of 2 sons, but my younger brother was always the favorite. I was conceived shortly after my dad got back from WWII...My brother came along 4 years later.....He was moms favorite....I was the steady one, he was a drunk and a doper...It didn't make a bit of difference...He could do no wrong....After mom died, it became apparent Dad was totally tired of his BS, and didn't care if he never saw him again.....I always laughed it off as being I was born vaginally and lil bro was a C-section...


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

My father favored my older sister because her personality was exactly like his. He was critical of me because I was like my Mom.
And it wasnt my imagination either. When he died he left her nearly everything and my two brothers and I very little. May he rest in peace!


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## Abustress (Sep 25, 2015)

Thanks for all the advice and support! After making this I decided to have a talk with my daughter and ask her how she feels and what she would like, well she said she wanted to get a mani/pedi and get her hair done so I took her and really pampered her, she has gotten great grades and doesn't talk back or give much trouble. 

We also went and ate dinner and were out pretty late and when we got back (I had just texted my wife I was taking her out for some father-daughter time) and my wife saw that she immediately asked how much I spent and told her but said it's small compared to what she spends on our older daughter and my wife just yells out "Well she deserves it!" and stomped away. 

It's really sad, she was so happy to get it all done. What really broke my heart though was when after my wife had left my daughter asked me "Why does mom hate me?" I just told her she doesn't hate her she just doesn't know how to express her love but I think my daughter saw through that. 

Oh, also wanted to mention as my wife was walking away she turned her head looked at her and said "You could look better" and walked to the bedroom. 

Meanwhile our oldest is in cheer leading and it takes a lot of her time and her grades have suffered which I suggested threatening to kick her off if they don't improve but my wife vetoed that idea saying she must stay on cheerleading, both my daughter and wife are REALLY into it, it's actually kind of creepy to me at least as much as my wife is concerned.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

I'm the image of your younger daughter. My mother and I always had conflicts because she always wanted me to be second best compared to my elder sister. I resented my father for letting my mother put me down as second best. I only get praised when I recieved academic awards as my parents were praised by other parents and school administrators.

I became very hard working as I feared criticism and failure. I was lucky to have married a man who is very supportive of my endeavors and treat me as a princess. We are married for 35 years (first marriage for the both of us).

My sister became self-serving, selfish, and arrogant. She is a divorcee and cannot hold on to relationships. She is very jealous of me. When my parents passed away, we severed our relationship. Your wife has treated your youngest daughter poorly and if you won't intervene on this problem, this will affect your youngest daughter severely. Take your wife to a psychologist, she has a mental problem and a very poor mother.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If her mother is too much of an idiot in seeing her daughter as late blooming flower of womanhood, that is her problem. YOUR love should show your little girl that she is not.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

It's very nice what you did with your daughter. 

But when are you going to muster the courage to stop fearing your wife and talk to her about this preferential treatment issue? 

I'd come right out and ask what is she going to do to repair that damage to your youngest, if she cares? 

I'm sorry to say, but I do think your wife hates her. What a demeaning attitude she has. I'd be LIVID if my SO acted like that towards our child. 

Do you contribute equally to income? Do you contribute more? Spending on beauty treatments gets expensive, so I'd make a budget for the 3 and split it 3 ways. Once it's gone, it's gone for each.

Honestly, your wife sounds like a spoilt brat. 

Please get your youngest into therapy. Don't ask for permission, just do it, for your daughters sake. She needs to learn coping mechanisms for toxic shame.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Abustress said:


> Thanks for all the advice and support! After making this I decided to have a talk with my daughter and ask her how she feels and what she would like, well she said she wanted to get a mani/pedi and get her hair done so I took her and really pampered her, she has gotten great grades and doesn't talk back or give much trouble.
> 
> We also went and ate dinner and were out pretty late and when we got back (I had just texted my wife I was taking her out for some father-daughter time) and my wife saw that she immediately asked how much I spent and told her but said it's small compared to what she spends on our older daughter and my wife just yells out "Well she deserves it!" and stomped away.
> 
> ...


You should see my face while reading this. It was something like this:

:surprise: :frown2:   :crying::banghead::wtf::FIREdevil::soapbox:

My heart breaks for your daughter. I think you need to have your wife read this thread!!!!


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## Abustress (Sep 25, 2015)

Satya said:


> It's very nice what you did with your daughter.
> 
> But when are you going to muster the courage to stop fearing your wife and talk to her about this preferential treatment issue?
> 
> ...


It's all VERY difficult. I have tried talking to my wife before and she would always avoid the subject. 

I contribute a little less than half; my wife makes more. I recently asked my wife why she doesn't spend more time on our older daughter and she just said "She's not what I wanted".

It really astounds me, wouldn't a mother naturally give favors to both daughters? If a woman had a son and daughter wouldn't she naturally favor the daughter for example?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Abustress said:


> I contribute a little less than half; my wife makes more. I recently asked my wife why she doesn't spend more time on our older daughter and she just said "She's not what I wanted".


I think you meant younger, but I'm starting to wonder if this story is real because I can't even imagine a mother being so callous.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

And no, I have one of each and don't favor one over the other. Their dad does though (favors our daughter). Not as blatantly as your wife. 

My children are both beautiful and unique in their own ways. I can't imagine loving one less than the other one.


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## Abustress (Sep 25, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I think you meant younger, but I'm starting to wonder if this story is real because I can't even imagine a mother being so callous.


Oops, sorry, younger, yeah. Hey I find that resentfutl! As in you could see a man being this callous but not a woman? Seriously? While I will agree reading this sounds bad - and it is, it still is the truth. 



SecondTime'Round said:


> And no, I have one of each and don't favor one over the other. Their dad does though (favors our daughter). Not as blatantly as your wife.
> 
> My children are both beautiful and unique in their own ways. I can't imagine loving one less than the other one.


That's what you and assuredly most mothers do, but in my wife's case it is different. Not long ago we did talk about possibly sperating and she just said "Well, if we separate you take [younger daughter's name] and deal with her".


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Abustress said:


> Oops, sorry, younger, yeah. Hey I find that resentfutl! As in you could see a man being this callous but not a woman? Seriously? While I will agree reading this sounds bad - and it is, it still is the truth.


No, I didn't mean that at all. I should have said "parent" and not mother .


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Abustress said:


> What really broke my heart though was when after my wife had left my daughter asked me "Why does mom hate me?"
> 
> Oh, also wanted to mention as my wife was walking away she turned her head looked at her and said "You could look better" and walked to the bedroom.



Wow. This brought tears to my eyes. I could never imagine my mother treating me like this.

I hope you can protect your daughter. Get her away from that monster of a mother. She doesn't deserve the title of mother.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, I agree with the posters here when they recommend that you take your youngest daughter to a therapist. She will have grave issues as low self-esteem and thinking that she is not deserving to be loved. Just imagine how it feels when you know that one of your parents dislike your existence.

Your wife told you that she does not like your youngest daughter because "She is not what I want!". This is monstrous of a parent. You've also discussed separating and she tells you to take your youngest daughter with you. Your wife does not respect you.

I believe that you do not have a healthy relationship. She is treating your eldest daughter as her best friend as a replacement for your friendship. This speaks volumes of your relationship with your wife.

In addition to your daughter's therapist, I suggest marriage counseling for you and your wife. I believe that the cause for your wife's behavior has deeper reasons. Unfortunately, your daughters' mindset are going to be severely affected.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I can see the future: eldest daughter is going to turn out spoiled, entitled, won't be able to hold onto a real relationship or a real job.

You and your W will divorce (yes, you WILL divorce, and I am not at all sorry to say it!), and your wife and daughter will wind up living together, cursing you for screwing them over, moaning and groaning about how little money they have and how lousy their life is.

Younger daughter, OTOH, will grow up to be dependable, hardworking and a loving, supportive daughter to the man who was her hero-you.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Abustress said:


> I recently asked my wife why she doesn't spend more time on our older daughter and she just said "She's not what I wanted"


WOW!!! 

My response to THAT kind of cheek would be, "you're not what I wanted for our youngest either."

UFB. Please stand up for your poor daughter or divorce this woman. She's got the daughter she wanted. Be open to the possibility that there is a different woman out there who would adore both you and your younger daughter. Because there are MANY and they respect all that is precious in life.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Abustress said:


> Oops, sorry, younger, yeah. Hey I find that resentfutl! As in you could see a man being this callous but not a woman? Seriously? While I will agree reading this sounds bad - and it is, it still is the truth.
> 
> 
> 
> That's what you and assuredly most mothers do, but in my wife's case it is different. Not long ago we did talk about possibly sperating and she just said "Well, if we separate you take [younger daughter's name] and deal with her".


So go and do it. I think you'd both be happier (you and youngest). Be a great father to both your daughters and be the exemplar to your youngest.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

It sounds like your wife is living vicariously through the older daughter, and your little tom boy just dosn't fit her preconceived idea of a good daughter


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

My interpretation of this situation is that your wife got her mini-me and wanted the second one to be a boy to be your mini-me, and has been busily ignoring the fact that it didn't turn out that way.

So she does the mother-daughter thing with #1, and hasn't got much use for #2 because that child doesn't fit into her world-view.

Is your wife narcissistic in other ways? Is everything in her life merely a reflection of how awesome she wants to be perceived? Is everything in her life supposed to resolve around her and her desires? How does she react when other things don't turn out according to her plan?

This is so sad for your second daughter, but maybe best in the long run because she won't grow up using her mother's narcissistic behaviour as a model. 

You can't change your wife. If you tell her your observations she'll probably take it as criticism.

You can only do your best to treat each daughter as her own individual, and as fairly as possible. Maybe also make sure that your daughter has female role models who aren't like your wife, who treat people respectfully, maybe an aunt or a coach, or her best friend's mother. Talk to this woman to let her know a bit of the background.


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## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

I really feel sorry for your youngest. I believe very strongly that even if we have a favorite child, to treat our children equally - but if your wife doesn't believe this you can't make her act this way. You can bring attention to it, for sure. Even research the effect of favoritism on kids (life long effects) and point out how big an impact it can have on your youngest. Read the book 5 Love Languages of Children (every parent should) so you know how to make your daughters feel loved.

If your wife simply won't step up for your youngest daughter, short of getting counselling to convince her to be more involved - I'd say the best you can do is make your youngest 'daddy's girl' so she will at least feel she is someone's favorite too.

I just read this post



> We also went and ate dinner and were out pretty late and when we got back (I had just texted my wife I was taking her out for some father-daughter time) and my wife saw that she immediately asked how much I spent and told her but said it's small compared to what she spends on our older daughter and my wife just yells out "Well she deserves it!" and stomped away.
> 
> It's really sad, she was so happy to get it all done. What really broke my heart though was when after my wife had left my daughter asked me "Why does mom hate me?" I just told her she doesn't hate her she just doesn't know how to express her love but I think my daughter saw through that.
> 
> Oh, also wanted to mention as my wife was walking away she turned her head looked at her and said "You could look better" and walked to the bedroom.


My heart is breaking!!! What is wrong with that woman. It seems she is not maternal at all. Lucky for your youngest daughter she has you.

As to your question in the title - I don't know why we have favouritism. I hate that it happens. I have one child I have trouble connecting with, the other two are so easy (I don't have to try I just FEEL so much love for them, with her - I have to try which I HATE! It has been like this since she was a baby for chrissake. What's wrong with me?). My husband feels the same way about her - but we both make extra effort to make sure we treat them equally, through persistence I have also forged a different, special relationship with her. 

If I imagine our family with just the other two kids, who are so 'easy to love' - there is so much missing without her. She is special and precious in a different way to them, she has more depth actually, and adds so much to our family dynamic. It takes effort to connect with her and really appreciate her. It's not something we choose. I believe perhaps it comes down to personality clashes sometimes. Like you don't automatically like every person you meet and some people downright rub you up the wrong way - our kids are people too. It's taboo not to love them without bounds or discrimination but they are people, as well as our flesh and blood. In the end though, as a parent you are supposed to MAKE THE EFFORT and at least fake it till you make it (till you find a way to connect). I know kids are smart and pick up a lot, but (especially with the right love language) as parents we do our best to make them feel loved, safe, appreciated, special etc. It's so important for their development.


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## pleasecoffee (Jun 18, 2015)

my sister was the golden child and she is the younger one. Both my parents were the younger kids in their family too. I can do no right, and she can do no wrong. This is abuse. reddit has a great site called raised by narcissists. look into it and how the people who are the scape goat children feel


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Your wife is a sad superficial person who is living vicariously through your older daughter. She's probably reliving her high school days. Your older daughter is being used though she doesn't realize it yet. The first time she defies your wife there's going to be hell to pay.

I feel really badly for your younger daughter, though. Keep supporting her.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Seriously, your wife doesn't deserve her younger daughter. I would LOVE to be at every one of her games. I would love a tomboy kid, being that I was one but not overly so. My daughter is into the girly things and I lover her for it even tough I wish she'd find a sport she likes. Maybe she will be a cheerleader or a dancer one day, and you can bet your @$$ I will be front row, center cheering her on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Abustress (Sep 25, 2015)

Thanks SO much everyone! I really worry about my older daughter as well considering her mother treats her like a princess and both my wife and daughter can be seen sitting on the couch reading fashion magazines or watching some fashion show on TV. 

My older daughter is convinced she is going to make it big modeling, I told her well that's great but she should be thinking of other more realistic career avenues and my wife got upset telling me she can definitely make it as a model. My wife ALWAYS compliments our older daughter's appearance and even if it's just me and my wife out with friends my wife will go on and on about all of her cheer leading achievements and say things like "I have the most beautiful daughter" and talk like that to others. It seems my wife is obsessed with our older daughter.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I am glad that the OP has been brave enough to write about his wife parenting skills.

I have mentioned on here certain situations with my mother and even here have gotten the "I'm sure your mother didn't mean it that way" routine.

In other words, no matter how mean and nasty a parent can get with a child, I guess the fact that it's done with (parental) love must make it okay........ just as the OP was trying to convince his second that her mother DOES love her. Good for the second daughter that she's n longer going to buy that and started doing so from a young age.

Even in my 30s, I was still trying to make sense of the some cruel maneuvers that my mother visited upon.

OP, if your daughter has a meltdown over these problems now or soon, then that's a good thing. Better now than later.

OP does need to straighten this out soon. The older daughter may take her cue from her mother on how to treat her sister. That may not be a pretty sight.

And what I have noticed about favorite children is that some go on to be successful and some don't. So the second daughter waiting for her sister "to get what's coming to her" may be the equivalent of waiting for the Great Pumpkin.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> In other words, no matter how mean and nasty a parent can get with a child, I guess the fact that it's done with (parental) love must make it okay.......


Yeah I have an issue with this, too. We really don't have to prove or certify much to be parents in this world (unless.... adoption). I consistently see examples of behaviour from parents and children that make me want to be an excellent parent, raising an upstanding child that can infuse all of the mature behavior back into society that we are so lacking. 

A parent that would demean his/her own flesh and blood without remorse? I don't get it either.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Satya said:


> Yeah I have an issue with this, too. We really don't have to prove or certify much to be parents in this world (unless.... adoption). I consistently see examples of behaviour from parents and children that make me want to be an excellent parent, raising an upstanding child that can infuse all of the mature behavior back into society that we are so lacking.
> 
> *A parent that would demean his/her own flesh and blood without remorse? I don't get it either*.


I get it up to a certain extent. There was a belief that parents were all knowing and that children know nothing. My mother is always asking questions to trip me up so that she can say "you don't know sh!t." OR as she sometimes says "What did I get for all that money that I spent on your education."

What I don't get is this race to the bottom. what is the point of parents working hard to make a lot of money and then point out to their children how lucky they are. Your classmates don't have as much as you do. ..... Until I point out to my mother, well, if maybe if you didn't have as much, I could have been awarded a scholarship to the private school like some other classmates got and then you wouldn't have had to waste your money on me. That shut my mother up real fast.

What I don't get now is that everyone -- you, me and anyone else, need to accept that the world is complicated and the rules change constantly. To keep telling me that I need "to walk my resume down to the office" as the ONLY way to get a job is crazy. 

My mother finally stopped saying that when my sister and I told her together it just doesn't work and the police will walk you out of the building. Instead of saying "I stand corrected" she then wanted to tell us that we just weren't interpreting her correctly. ...... and roundie, roundie.........

My husband tells me that I don't need my mother, so dont' bother.......


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I have 3 daughters, two grown and out while the youngest is in HS. It's a weird thing but we all have our own communication styles and temperament. I have always found it easiest to communicate and get along with my oldest. I have the most fun with my middle, we both share the same kind of sense of humor. I have the hardest time with my youngest. Unfortunately, the poor girl is just like me, argumentative, opinionated and stubborn. She's DOOMED! We have the most difficulty together because of that and also because of her age...you know she knows everything and I'm just an idiot! My husband will point out to me if things have been too tense between us for too long and I generally take some time to do fun stuff with her, just us two. The trouble is, I don't always recognize it. I do sometimes but not always. So if I've let it go too long, my husband nudges me.

This is what you could do for your wife. She may never have the ease with the youngest that she has with the oldest, but they can and should try to find a way to connect, their own way. Maybe it's not sports, although I think your wife should attend at least a few of her daughter's games, maybe they can find their own little thing they're both interested in?

With regard to having you take her for new clothes, that's something I've done with my H and my youngest. He never set foot in a store with our older two; with the youngest I force him to take some of this on. I told my youngest she was better off shopping with her dad because he didn't know squat about prices and what was normal (whereas I'm always looking for sales, clearance and value so the arguments between us can be quite fierce) when she shops with Dad she comes home with exactly what she wanted, her father spent a fortune and I'm not in trouble for over spending and didn't have to argue with her to pick something else out or with him about how much I spent. Win Win Win!

Okay, so talk with your wife and explain what you see and ask if she senses it as well. Also, don't assume that your youngest is pining away for her Mom. She may prefer your company over her mother's. I was Daddy's girl and not too happy about spending time with my mother. He was much more fun...and easier for me to get my way!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Oh wow, I didn't read the rest of your posts OP. 

Like I said, I think it's unavoidable that a parent identify more strongly with one child over another. Having said that. The wise parent recognizes this and keeps an eye scanned for fairness. Because what parent gets a child from the age of 2-8 without hearing millions of "no fairs" from the kids?


But what you describe goes beyond simply identifying more with one child over another. You've got to start keeping track of everything spent on each child. You've got to also keep a record of the time your wife spends with the oldest and how much time she spend with the youngest. You've also got to keep a record, as faithfully as possible, of compliments your wife gives to the oldest and compliments your wife gives to the youngest. Do this for a solid month. Do not let your wife know you're doing this.

Next step if to get both kids out of the house for the evening and go over your stats with your wife. Finish up by saying you won't allow your wife to continue behaving this way toward you kids because it will not only screw up your youngest but it will screw up the relationship the two sisters have. You don't have to threaten with consequences because what you will do from that point onward is to call your wife out, in front of both daughters, any time you see the preferential treatment happen.

Now, if your wife is hard core abusive, she will dig in her heals and insist the youngest is at fault for...whatever.... And she will continue over the course of a few weeks to accuse and blame the youngest. And if she does that, then you must now take action to protect BOTH of your daughters from their abusive mother and with your documentations you will seek custody of both daughters and supervised visitations with their mother so that she cannot continue to be abusive.

Yes, I am aware of the difficulty you have are likely to have proving her unfit. Which is why you're going to seek a child and family therapist for personal help and guidance in fixing the fracture between mother and daughter. This therapist will be able to lend credence to your claim.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I have 3 daughters, two grown and out while the youngest is in HS. It's a weird thing but we all have our own communication styles and temperament. I have always found it easiest to communicate and get along with my oldest. I have the most fun with my middle, we both share the same kind of sense of humor. I have the hardest time with my youngest. Unfortunately, the poor girl is just like me, argumentative, opinionated and stubborn. She's DOOMED! We have the most difficulty together because of that and also because of her age...you know she knows everything and I'm just an idiot! My husband will point out to me if things have been too tense between us for too long and I generally take some time to do fun stuff with her, just us two. The trouble is, I don't always recognize it. I do sometimes but not always. So if I've let it go too long, my husband nudges me.


I've observed the same thing with my wife and our three girls.

Our oldest is like a clone of my wife in virtually every way. I often see them have clashes about things my daughter does or says that are exactly like things my wife does/says. My wife doesn't seem to realize it until after I point it out . My oldest and I are usually able to communicate much more easily and get along pretty well. There are similar dynamics starting to hatch with our middle daughter too.

It's not really a matter of favoritism sometimes, as much as communication styles between people sometimes create or reduce friction. This happens in familial relationships just like it does in any other relationship. 

Favoritism DOES exist sometimes, but I wonder how often we as children perceive favoritism is more related to some of these communication styles.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Believe me Fozzy, if you are the child that isn't favored - you know it!! It's painfully obvious it isn't just communication styles clashing.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> I've observed the same thing with my wife and our three girls.
> 
> Our oldest is like a clone of my wife in virtually every way. I often see them have clashes about things my daughter does or says that are exactly like things my wife does/says. My wife doesn't seem to realize it until after I point it out . My oldest and I are usually able to communicate much more easily and get along pretty well. There are similar dynamics starting to hatch with our middle daughter too.
> 
> ...


Have you noticed that your wife most easily gets along with the child whose temperament is most like yours? My oldest is so like her father, the middle is mix between us, though much more outgoing like I am, and my youngest is like a carbon copy of me, poor kid.




karole said:


> Believe me Fozzy, if you are the child that isn't favored - you know it!! It's painfully obvious it isn't just communication styles clashing.


Oh karole that's just horrible. I'm so sorry you had to feel that.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Have you noticed that your wife most easily gets along with the child whose temperament is most like yours? My oldest is so like her father, the middle is mix between us, though much more outgoing like I am, and my youngest is like a carbon copy of me, poor kid.


Yep, that's pretty much exactly how it's playing out. My middle daughter and I have always had a little friction between us, and she's a lot like me in many ways. Ditto between my older daughter and my wife.

Youngest is going to be the tie-breaker.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I wonder if your older daughter believes you favor the younger daughter. 

Sounds like you have more in common with your younger daughter and your wife has more in common with the older one.

That being said, I sure hope you treat your older daughter better than your wife treats the younger one. Your wife sounds like she isn't a very nice person/mother.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> I have 3 daughters, two grown and out while the youngest is in HS. It's a weird thing but we all have our own communication styles and temperament.* I have always found it easiest to communicate and get along with my oldest. *I have the most fun with my middle, we both share the same kind of sense of humor. I have the hardest time with my youngest.


I hope then that you didn't heap the oldest unfairly with the most tasks / chores/ responsibilities just because she didn't give you a lot of lip. A lot of parents will learn to lean on the children who's obedient without too much effort from the parent.


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## Abustress (Sep 25, 2015)

NextTimeAround said:


> I hope then that you didn't heap the oldest unfairly with the most tasks / chores/ responsibilities just because she didn't give you a lot of lip. A lot of parents will learn to lean on the children who's obedient without too much effort from the parent.


That's a big issue, my wife will get onto our younger daughter for the smallest things but won't for our oldest. For example she will yell at her for not having her room cleaned but our older daughter's is a mess and my wife just says she's too busy with cheer leading to do chores and clean, which I think is absolutely ridiculous. 

She also likes to leave a lot of the cleaning to our youngest as in she'll tell her to vacuum, throw away and take out the trash and yet doesn't make older daughter lift a finger.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Abustress said:


> That's a big issue, my wife will get onto our younger daughter for the smallest things but won't for our oldest. For example she will yell at her for not having her room cleaned but our older daughter's is a mess and my wife just says she's too busy with cheer leading to do chores and clean, which I think is absolutely ridiculous.
> 
> She also likes to leave a lot of the cleaning to our youngest as in she'll tell her to vacuum, throw away and take out the trash and yet doesn't make older daughter lift a finger.



Well, then, it's very obvious in your family.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> I hope then that you didn't heap the oldest unfairly with the most tasks / chores/ responsibilities just because she didn't give you a lot of lip. A lot of parents will learn to lean on the children who's obedient without too much effort from the parent.


Here is a good way to avoid that pitfall. Write down everything you want the "group" to be responsible for and then have each child pick what chores they will do. You have to put some thought into the list because easy tasks should be grouped with other tasks and more difficult and time consuming tasks should stand alone. 

But to answer your question, the oldest was also the whiniest while the middle child never complained about chores. Which is funny because the oldest complained all the way through but she did a really good job, while the middle eagerly got to work and did a lousy job. Ahhh the good old days of herding mewling cats through their chores...said no one ever!


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Middle of Everything said:


> Your wife is a horrible person.
> 
> Sorry but Golden child is a VERY sore spot with me. Cannot stand mothers/fathers/gmas/gpas that do this. HORRIBLE thing that can do lifelong damage to the other child(ren).
> 
> Not a psychologist so I could only speculate as to why people do this. * Whatever their reason most NEVER get "better" and most absolutely refuse to acknowledge they even do it even if confronted by multiple people*.


:iagree:

The above is so true. My mother treated my older brother better than she treated her daughters (my sister & I). My brother didn't do his chores? That's OK, my mom has 2 other daughters that will clean up his room & (disgusting) bathroom so he can hang out with his friends! If my sister & I didn't clean my brother's room & bathroom to her standards....that's OK, she berated us & hit us until we did! Oh & I forgot to mention, my sister & I were never allowed to go out with friends...my brother got horrible grades, never did chores & was never home as a teenager! We noticed the injustice & we hated it. To this day, my mother still acts this way. Don't you ever dare tell her that she treats her children differently.

It sucks & I grew up with serious self esteem & self worth issues. OP, don't allow your wife to do that anymore to your youngest. She is worthy of everything your oldest daughter gets too. I am so sad for that girl. I lived that & it sucks. :crying:


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

It's up to you to save the family from this dynamic. You need to document everything, voice record and written, receipts, etc. as was suggested earlier, and get full custody of BOTH girls and limit their exposure to their mother and create balance to the girls' lives. Get a court ordered psychological evaluation for parental fitness to diagnose the mother. These dynamics are harmful to both of them. 

Likely this would have been my situation (with her father) had I had two children. My daughter is the golden child (and only child) and until I limited her exposure to him, she was willfully hateful toward me and his little puppet - he had nearly fully engulfed her. IF he liked it, she liked it. Even her MEMORIES were, and some still are, his. To this day she'll tell you she hates ice cream sandwiches because she ate so many one time she got sick. This was a childhood memory of my ex that he had told me a few times, yet she was enmeshed SO FULLY, it has become her memory.

*Golden Child and Scapegoat
*
Golden child and scapegoat - daughters of narcissistic mothers

It’s very common for Narcissistic Mothers to have a Golden Child and Scapegoat dynamic going on in their family.

What this means is this: one child in the family is the Golden Child, and one or more is the Scapegoat.

The Golden Child, as the name suggests, is the best and most wonderful child – at least in the eyes of the Narcissistic Mother. It seems to be that the Narcissistic Mother picks the Golden Child to be an extension of herself, onto whom she projects all her own supposed wonderfulness.

The Golden Child can do no wrong. She gets given the best of everything – perhaps even apartments or houses bought for her. Her most minor achievements are celebrated and held up for admiration. Her misdemeanours are glossed over and ignored.

The Scapegoat on the other hand is, also as the name suggests, the person on whom all the ills of the family are projected. They can do no right. Their major achievements are dismissed. Any money spent on them is the bare minimum and is spent begrudgingly.

Growing up the Scapegoat can understandably feel very jealous of the Golden Child. This, of course, leads to friction between the children, which suits the Narcissistic Mother. Divide and conquer and all that, and lots of opportunities for triangulation. Indeed, the Golden Child can be encouraged by the Narcissistic Mother, either overtly or tacitly, to bully the Scapegoat which adds to the friction.
The Scapegoat can be punished for doing something well, because that threatens the narcissist’s narrative that the Scapegoat is all bad. Not overtly punished, because that would also ruin the narrative that it’s all the Scapegoat’s fault. But subtly, sneakily. You had to give up dancing just as you reached a triumphant milestone because of [insert trumped up excuse here] - maybe they supposedly couldn't afford dance classes any longer, or the lift to the dance classes was no longer possible, or they fell out with the dance teacher. Bonus points if the reason for sabotaging the dance classes involved the Golden Child: “Golden Child wants to do dance too, and we can’t afford both, and it’s not fair for you to be the only one.” (And no matter if Golden Child does stuff that you don’t.) Or, “We can’t bring you to dance class any more as Golden Child is taking up karate and her classes are on at that time.”

Or the punishment might be more subtle. Perhaps your dog got given away, ostensibly for a totally unconnected reason, after you won the dance medal. When such things happen enough you’ll learn, consciously or unconsciously, the pattern that bad things happen after you do something good, and you’ll start to sabotage your own successes to protect you from that. (As an aside, be aware that such sabotage patterns will last a whole lifetime until and unless they are pro-actively erased. EFT/Tapping is excellent for identifying and erasing such patterns.)

Or the punishment might be as head-wrecking and subtle as your parents’ reaction. Oh they’ll say the right things. But their expressions and their coolness will tell the real story, that they’re angry at this achievement (again, because it spoils their carefully constructed narrative), and you’ll pick up on that and feel the icy blast of their disapproval.

Likewise you might get rewarded, in a strange way, for failure. You might get the approval of living down to their expectations, and you’ll pick up on that, and even that meagre approval feels good.

The Scapegoat is often what’s called the Identified Patient. This is the one who all the ills of the family are projected onto, and who often will play out those ills.

It’s not surprising that if you were abused and demeaned and treated unfairly all your life that you might have issues such as eating disorders or addiction problems or anger management issues, or depression etc. And so this reinforces the narrative that you’re the wrong one, the bad one, the Black Sheep.

You even believe it yourself, that you’re the problem child, the bad seed. After all, you do have the eating disorder or whatever. That’s undeniable.

They might bring you to therapy to try to get you fixed.

One of two things will happen there. You’ll either end up with a bad therapist who will believe the narrative as presented, and further reinforce your sense of your own badness and failure. Or, you’ll have a good therapist who sees through the lies and tries to treat the real broken dynamic rather than the supposedly broken you. In this case, at the first whiff that there might be something wrong with them, your parents will find some excuse (that no doubt is your fault) and whisk you away from that therapy, and that aborted therapy is another failure of yours.

The scapegoat is truly in a no-win situation. In most cases the abuse is subtle enough that it wouldn't warrant the involvement of social services, and so there is no option but to endure it to adulthood.

I’d go so far as to venture that, if you’re reading this, you were more likely to have been the Scapegoat than the Golden Child.

This is because, contrary to the way it felt growing up, the Scapegoat is actually the lucky one. (I mean relatively lucky, of course. No child of a narcissistic mother can be ever described as being lucky.)

The Golden Child can end up very engulfed by the Narcissistic Mother, and her life can end up being enmeshed in the Narcissistic Mother’s. She may well grow without proper boundaries and proper self-identity. She is likely to remain, either forever or for a long time, as a puppet of the Narcissistic Mother, and if she ever does manage to break free, that process will be infinitely more painful for her than it is for the Scapegoat. 

The Scapegoat on the other hand, is the independent one. She’s the one who’s driven to seek answers and who may well realise about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She’s the one who can break free from the unhealthy dynamics of the family and do her best to create a healthy life and recover from the lies she was told about herself since the day she was born. It's still not easy for her (i.e. for you) of course. Nothing about this journey is easy. But it's doable, and possible.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

She is damaging both of your daughters, not just the younger one. The older one will have a hard time adjusting to real life, and as many posters already pointed, have great chance of wasting her life. 

Is there any chance of dragging your wife to some parenting classes, or meet with a parenting counselor? Although i do not think your wife will be willing to admitting any wrongdoing.


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## Abustress (Sep 25, 2015)

JustTired said:


> :iagree:
> 
> The above is so true. My mother treated my older brother better than she treated her daughters (my sister & I). My brother didn't do his chores? That's OK, my mom has 2 other daughters that will clean up his room & (disgusting) bathroom so he can hang out with his friends! If my sister & I didn't clean my brother's room & bathroom to her standards....that's OK, she berated us & hit us until we did! Oh & I forgot to mention, my sister & I were never allowed to go out with friends...my brother got horrible grades, never did chores & was never home as a teenager! We noticed the injustice & we hated it. To this day, my mother still acts this way. Don't you ever dare tell her that she treats her children differently.
> 
> It sucks & I grew up with serious self esteem & self worth issues. OP, don't allow your wife to do that anymore to your youngest. She is worthy of everything your oldest daughter gets too. I am so sad for that girl. I lived that & it sucks. :crying:


Sorry about that. Why would a mother choose a son over her daughter(s)? I would think if anything a mother would show clear preference to a daughter but obviously not always.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

A lot of this hits close to home. I was the middle child, and so I grew up independent and always seemed to be best on my own. My sister was the oldest, and my brother was the baby. Now, of course, my brother was spoiled rotten, but I really didn't mind too much, but I always noticed a double standard between my sister and I. 

When we were younger, I noticed that she always got more privileges, and seemed to get to have "intelligent" conversations with my father. But if I tried to talk to my old man, I was usually dismissed as a dumb kid who knew nothing, and to stop bothering him. And whenever I got something that I wanted, she right away would pull the "That's not fair!" card, and not only would they give in to her, but I would be told to give up what I wanted so that she wouldn't feel bad. But if it was the other way around and I complained, I was ordered to stop being a big baby and grow up, and when I asked why, both parents would always say "Well, she's a girl, and you're a boy, so you have to act tougher". 

Later on, I noticed a pattern with her: she would start getting into trouble (hanging out with the wrong crowd, ditching school, drinking, etc.), and they would always give her a second chance.... she would run away at times for months and go crash on some poor sap's couch, but she would always come back, and they would welcome her with open arms, falling for her promises to straighten up, but several months later, same old story... wash, rinse, repeat. Later, when she was in her early 20s and biting off more than she could chew (maxing out credit cards, buying a car that she could never afford, flitting from one dead-end job to another), dear old Mom and Dad would move heaven and earth to fix things for her, and soon they were giving her money, paying her bills so that she wouldn't get into trouble with the bank. And yet, she always had enough money to go club hopping and get "hammered" every weekend.

And here's where the double standard kicks in: While I was holding down a steady job, getting good grades and staying out of trouble, I had gotten my own car and was keeping up the payments and building a good credit rating, but then when the muffler fell out of it and I was short of cash to get it fixed (because I was paying my bills!), I didn't even get a chance to ask my parents for the money. They read me the riot act, saying that they'd be damned if they were giving me money for something that I should take care of myself. So, I got to drive for a week until I got paid in a car that sounded like a dragster (the neighbors and police were not amused!), at the same time that Mom was maxing out her credit card to pay my sister's electric bill.

Fast forward some almost 30-odd years later, and I have a six-figure income, I'm a proud Army veteran, I have a nice house, two good cars, a wonderful wife and a wonderful daughter. (Incidentally, my brother grew up right, too, and is also doing well!)

And sis? She's almost 50, a time when most people her age are proudly sending their kids off to college, looking forward to grandchildren and planning for retirement, and she's STILL crashing on other people's couches, STILL can't hold a decent job for more than 4 months, STILL bumming money from family and friends, and yet, STILL has enough money to go and get "hammered" every weekend!

Ain't it funny how it turns out?

I'm telling you this, Abustress, because these are the stakes. This is what is in store for you and BOTH of your daughters if this keeps up.


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