# What a miserable situation



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

My husband left me Aug last year. After a few months I did the 180 and within a week he was asking to come home to "work on our marriage". Since he has been home he has done absolutely nothing to repair our relationship. I feel like I've done a lot of things. I've tried to talk to him, tell him how I feel, what bothers me, share things with him, include him in things, show an interest in what he likes and showed lots of affection. I have tried everything the MC suggested, and more.

In return broke the no contact with his EA (which he denies is an EA but it is, believe me). He did this behidn my back I was just lucky enough to find out. I confronted him and he said that's it I am filing for divorce. He cancelled our MC appointments. He moved out of our bedroom into the spare room and now its so uncomfortable.

The entire time he has been home he has not engaged himself in our relationship. Does his own thing. Has his secrets, etc.

I believe there are certain steps and actions BOTH people must take to get their marriage back on track. He has done NOTHING. Not a single thing.

Then last week he tells me he only moved home because he could not afford to live apart and it was "his house too" and he had every right to live here. I was quite upset at that surprise revelation since I clearly remember the phone call, request to see me and the meeting that took place where he begged me to let him come home and he wanted to work on our marriage.

I suspect he has a bit of BPD going on, he has a habit of doing what the MC calls "splitting". He changes the past to suit whatever he wants and its like I'm dealing with 2 different people.

I asked him to move out and he said he cannot afford to untill I get a job. I've been a SAHM for 9 years.... 

So I'm stuck in a house with a man who wants to divorce me and it's absolute misery. The worst part is I still love him so much and deep down I really want to work things out.

I just feel that if he really is done I want him to leave and have no contact (except for our child) with him. If he's done I want him out of my life.

By the way, he's made no effort to file divorce papers.

What should I do? How do I handle this horrible situation I'm in?


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Well, I can personally say I am very sorry you are going through this because I went through the exact same thing. My time frame was not nearly as long as yours though .. happened a lot quicker, but from what you describe, identical.

She left start of March, after FOUR days she asks me if she can come back. Didn't like where she was living, told me she needed her 'space' but wanted to work on things. Said it will not be the same to start, but has to 'see if she can still feel how she used to'.

Well, she moved back in the next day and didn't want to work on anything. Just wanted her space. Told me I needed to prove myself (it was ludicrous) etc etc blah blah. For three weeks she would go out almost every night until 1 am or so after I got home from work. She was all of a sudden always on her phone, the typical story (from what I learned via TAM).

IMO she was having an EA with anything and everyone on the internet that would listen to her story. After doing some investigating found she had sent pictures of herself and our kids to a guy, was talking with him and others online non stop. 

Planned on taking a 16 hour road trip across the boarder to see this people for a weekend trip, I wasn't allowed to go because they didn't want me to .. yada yada ..

I'm sure you can find even more wonderful details under threads I have created.

Anyways .. mine all happened in a span of 1 month, her leaving the first time and then me flipping the hell out and telling her to leave the second time.

In the end, she didn't really want to work it out IMO. She was unhappy with where she was, didn't like how there were restrictions (she moved into her parents) and figured she could eat her cake with me.

After I kicked her out, I took 3 months off work (going back in June) to make sure my daughter can finish school where she is now. She wanted to move them out of town where I would have limited weekend visits. I said screw that, wasn't going to have my daughter be in 3 different schools by grade 1 (seeing how her parents will be selling the house at the end of summer, she still doesn't have a place to live after that).

She resents me to no end, has rewritten our history. I'm the bad guy, the lazy husband who never did anything. The reason why we lost our first house, why we had to move into my mothers .. oh she was so miserable for years she told me. We aren't good for each other (mainly because I didn't put up with half her sh!t .. although at times I wish I handled it better).

Me taking time off work to her has nothing to do with the kids, it's about me being lazy and not wanting to be at work. It doesn't matter that in the time I had the kids 100% she was able to get that full time job she was trying to get while magically not having any daycare for our youngest son. Seeing how I have a full time, swing shift job.

I'm ranting all this because I really do feel for you. You put yourself out there to try and work it out .. just to be walked on and then made to feel guilty about everything. It's complete crap.

Start trying to think of any possibilities, any way you would be able to leave. Friends, family?? If he won't file for divorce, then you should look into starting it all up.

Get back into 180, even if he's living there. Doesn't mean you have to talk to him, let him be miserable, but set boundaries for yourself and make sure he knows them.

I too really wanted to work things out, but it didn't matter what I said or did .. I was wrong. So I initiated NC and we have been in silence since.

Hope at least some of this is useful to you, but you aren't alone in your situation .. not by a long shot.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

No wonder he doesn't want to talk to you and remain married. You're forcing him to jump at your command and save your relationship playing by your rules. He's not going to feel different about you when you're the bad guy pushing him to emote and tell you he loves you every five minutes. This is true of all WS not to be harsh on you.

This is why you want to agree with him and push him out the front door with a smile on your face giving the baby his ba-ba and reassuring him his decision is best for both of you. Filing for divorce is a good start, but the battle will be long and weary. I guarantee you he will come back just long enough to pull you in as a back up plan which is why you'll need to remain strong and resist all petty fights over what you want from him. 

Being a cheater he's going to do anything he can to keep from feeling guilty about this while remaining in the affair fog, and see you as the villain keeping him from true happiness so long as you argue with him about leaving. So you pushing him into MC and nagging him half to death is just going to reaffirm his decision to leave you was right in the first place.

You have the power to change all this but you're going to have to practice diligent patience and pass the marshmallow test with this one, and for God sakes look at the positives you have going on here. Ignore his words out of hurt in the past, present, and future and realize he's going to get mean and nasty to push you away. This could either be to make any and all fights easier for him to justify his decision and make the OW seem like a better option or check and see if you still care enough to get emotional over him.

Right now the OW will be looking pretty fantastic in his eyes and everything he's been looking forwards to with a better life after divorce. The sad truth is affair partners only have each other for long periods of time and will cut themselves off from the judgemental friends and family. This works out perfectly for you in the end when the homewrecker turns out to be more of the same and the perfect image she casts of herself reveals she isn't as lovable or caring when the sex dies down.

You still have multiple possibilities to change his image of you but that's going to require you to practice a little patience and a whole lot of self control. Believe me, you're going to want to fight and cry with him but every time you do the OW will be there to "at a boy" him to death.... you want her to be the one fighting with her over time and reject him every time he tries to come to you for emotional comfort.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

You file



brokenbythis said:


> My husband left me Aug last year. After a few months I did the 180 and within a week he was asking to come home to "work on our marriage". Since he has been home he has done absolutely nothing to repair our relationship. I feel like I've done a lot of things. I've tried to talk to him, tell him how I feel, what bothers me, share things with him, include him in things, show an interest in what he likes and showed lots of affection. I have tried everything the MC suggested, and more.
> 
> In return broke the no contact with his EA (which he denies is an EA but it is, believe me). He did this behidn my back I was just lucky enough to find out. I confronted him and he said that's it I am filing for divorce. He cancelled our MC appointments. He moved out of our bedroom into the spare room and now its so uncomfortable.
> 
> ...


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Agree with Conrad -- file, and make sure that you get adequate spousal support if that's standard in your state.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I've already consulted a divorce attorney. I'm in CA. Due to the fact we've been married over 10 yrs, I've been a stay at home mom supporting him through his career and studies, and our child is special needs I'm going to get about 60% of his take home pay plus half his pension, him paying for my health insurance, etc. He's going to have to live in his car..

I would rather have my husband in a loving marriage than his money.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, broken --

"I would rather have my husband in a loving marriage than his money."

I know you would. But that may just not be an option. And if you end up divorced, you need to make sure you have enough money to support your child.

Lots of good advice on here from folks that have been through exactly your situation. It's going to be hard, it's going to be painful -- please do reach out, to us, to people in your family/church/community, any friends you have. This is a horrible, stressful thing, and it's ok to lean on anybody you can.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

BBT,

The status quo is unacceptable.

You have one more arrow in your quiver.

It may wake him up.

I have not filed myself because my wife and I are still talking.

When we had a month or two with nothing between us, I was getting close to pulling the trigger.

He is showing no sign of changing anything. He clearly thinks having a home base (with you keeping it) while he plays around is acceptable.

Show him it isn't.


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## Bitter+Sweet (May 19, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Oh, broken --
> 
> "I would rather have my husband in a loving marriage than his money."
> 
> ...


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