# growing a pair and fighting for your spouse



## Philly8 (Mar 16, 2010)

My W has accused me in the past of being very passive when it came to her "friendships" with other men. She told me she went and did things with them because I was "never" interested in doing things with her. I just kinda ignored it when all along she was wanting me to step up and say enough you are my wife I will do these things with you.

Well, now we are separated and for some unknown reason shes dating some 21 year old marine she met on an airplane (She's 25).

I honestly want to do what she has told me she was waiting for in the past and go "reclaim her" and TELL HER that she's mine and I'm not letting some other guy take her.

However, is it too late to do something like this? Or, could she be dating to see if I step up and "be a man" and try and take her back?

I don't want to further damage any chances of reconciliation though by doing something like this.

What do yo guys/gals think?


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Philly8,

Search for posts by BigBadWolf, Atholk, and MEM____ (can't remember the numbers he uses). This will take you to threads about being a "dominant man". Read through these to get the answer you are looking for.

Like you I was trying to the nice guy and not controlling when my w started "having" lunch, etc. with a guy she worked with. I let it go on too long.

Having said that, where you are now it would seem like "pursuing" to me. If you are going to do something, then say this to her "I am your husband and I don't like you doing what you are doing, if you continue to do so -- I won't be your husband much longer".

Just my two cents.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

First of all don't do it if you don't feel it. If you are a passive person by nature, then you force yourself to "act" demanding and dominant I don't think it will work. You'll have your speech rehearsed, and the minute she causes you to improvise you'll look even weaker than before. Been there, done that.

I would also recommend evaluating what you really want right now. Is she worth the fight? Do you think she still loves you? Are you willing to make permanent changes to ensure this doesn't happen again?

Good luck!


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Take a look at these:

Check out the links below. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/10046-whole-dominant-man-thing.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/1538-nice-guys-do-finish-last.html


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...14-nice-guy-syndrome-vs-not-so-nice-wife.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/10676-man-up-books.html

The other bit of advice I will give you, I have stated more times than I care to remember.

'Fighting' for your spouse right now by pouring on the notion that you want to be _more_ invested in her, more loving, more available, more doting, will accomplish only one thing ... it will push her further away, make her want you _less_ and reinforce her rationale for cheating.

If you pursue, she will run. 

You want to get her attention? Don't be available. Don't run to her at the drop of a hat. Tell her "No" to whatever her request of you may be. Close the joint banking account and open your own. The more you push her away; shutdown the fantasy world she is currently living in, swiftly and with extreme prejudice, the greater the odds that she will re-engage you. There are hundreds of things you can and should do - that won't make a lick of sense. 

The problem with deciding to 'fight' for your marriage after your spouse has already strayed, is she is now at the place where you are not a priority. You simply aren't. So the harder you try to make yourself and the marriage a priority, you will discover the less she wants to interact with you at all. And you will go batsh!t.

If you look around here long enough, you will find examples of what guys thought were devoted, loving spouses, who would _never_ cheat - end up f*cking Marines, musicians, plumbers, the handyman, or your run-of-the-mill hard-drinking jobless slob who was simply available and paid attention to her.


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Listen to Deejo Philly8. He has been there and understands. I forgot to mention him previously.

His words are of wisdom even if they don't make logical sense. Logic is out of the window. Here emotions rule with your w.


----------



## Philly8 (Mar 16, 2010)

So what are your thoughts on this.....

Her new bf is leaving for training before he gets deployed overseas this summer....WIth him being gone for a month or so coming up and then 6+ months this summer, do I wait and see how she handles being without him before I finally give in and finish with a divorce? I just see divorce as the absolute end, and if there is even the slightest chance of a reconciliation I'm super hesitant to do it.


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Philly8, in my opinion if you follow Deejo's advice which I support of no contact except for kid business. Meaning keep it to business, this is a great opportunity for you while this person is away. It will already make her feel somewhat isolated anyway and then if you aren't giving her any of her "needs" she will think more about it. Doesn't mean she will come back, but it will make her think.

Regarding the divorce. Think of it this way -- where are you now that a "divorce" would make it any different. Right now she doesn't "want" you and you aren't together -- so its just a piece of paper. I think you should proceed. Remember even if you divorce it doesn't necessarily mean anything regarding reconcillation.

Just my two cents.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

The advice I posted above is not advice I followed. I wanted to make things easy. I wanted a soft landing for everyone, her, the kids. I wanted to keep the strife and negativity to a minimum, also in the hopes of preserving a fundamentally broken relationship.

So here is what I ended up with, and so will you if you don't folow the 'no contact' plan: my spouse ended up with 2 men who she didn't want to give up; one who met her emotional and sexual needs, and one that paid the bills, provided insurance, and kept a roof over her and the kids heads. Did she want to let me go? Absolutely not. I was bread-winner and super-dad. Did she want to work at rekindling our relationship? Absolutely not. We had a decade plus of relationship and sexual baggage. Why jump into that when you can just find flash, excitement and wall-shaking sex with somebody new?

I hope this makes sense. If you truly want to determine if your marriage can be salvaged, she needs to be attracted to you. That isn't going to happen in the least, if you are trying to be her 'buddy'. She made her choice - you aren't it.

The sooner you start making it clear that you understand her choice and are going to move on - and all the pain that will cause her as a result, the sooner she will dismantle the fantasy framework she has with her Marine.

In my case, were I out of the picture completely - as in dead, or disappear off the face of the map, my wife's relationship with TOM becomes untenable. He has no insurance to cover her. He is tremendously in debt. He doesn't have a real career. He is available. That is his biggest perk. He is a supplement. He is a gap-filler. My spouse chose to avoid our issues rather than address them. I suspect the same with your wifes affair. This isn't a guy that is going to carry the burdens and responsibilities of providing for a family - that's your job, so that she can have her boy-toy.

So, stop making it your job. And if you truly can't stop yourself from making decisions that you believe will 'harm' her, then you only have yourself to blame. 

She chose to cheat. You may even rationalize that she didn't cheat because you were separated. News flash - the other man is WHY she wanted to separate.

She isn't going to see what she is doing as a mistake if there is no pain or consequences associated with it. 

What it boils down to is this; you need to believe and behave as if you are divorcing. You need to make decisions for you. Act in your own self interest without regard for her, if your ultimate goal is to have her choose you instead of, not in addition to, the man she is emotionally attached to.


----------

