# I don't love my wife anymore and thinking about divorce.



## Kevinsh

I’m in my late 30s and been married for almost 7 years. I started feeling I don’t love her anymore and don’t want to be with her almost a year ago, but our marriage problems have been shaping for a long time before that. She is the type of person who likes to relax most of the time at home and take things slowly, I am the type of person who’s always trying to plan for things, find new businesses to start, staying active, try new things. She is the opposite, risk-averse, doesn’t mind sleeping in staying home and watch TV all day. I know I take life too seriously sometimes and don’t allow myself to enjoy the present and I’m not arguing here one way is better than the other; it’s just that we have different perspectives in life.
We both made mistakes during the years. She left most of our household responsibilities to me. She works on and off, but I am responsible for all of our household expenses including her student loan, car payment, etc. She did other things that hurt me and were selfish; I wasn’t good at showing my emotions and trying to have a true emotional connection. I also never confronted her when something bothered me until it got to a point that I felt I couldn’t take it anymore and I don’t have feelings for her.
We’ve been talking about our issues recently and after lots of arguments and struggles I can see she is trying to change, but what she is trying to do doesn’t seem enough to me anymore and I don’t want to be in this marriage. She is a good person and I think she did all these things during the years without realizing she is hurting me and was my fault to run away from confronting her, but now I’m here and seriously considering a divorce. I’m scared of making this decision and don’t want to hurt her and I know I will be hurting her anyways by staying in a loveless marriage.
We don't have kids and we're about the same age.


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## jlg07

Have you done any individual counseling? Sounds like you need to so that you can be more emotionally available for your partner (wife, or any in the future).
Also, you both should try MC -- you need someone to help you both communicate. You may find that if you BOTH start talking and be honest with each other, things can change for the better.


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## Vorpal

Divorce amicably. You’ll both be happier. No kids. No problem. Also, leave now before the magic 10 year mark, I.e., long term marriage in the law’s eyes. You can be paying alimony until she remarries.


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## Kevinsh

jlg07 said:


> Have you done any individual counseling? Sounds like you need to so that you can be more emotionally available for your partner (wife, or any in the future).
> Also, you both should try MC -- you need someone to help you both communicate. You may find that if you BOTH start talking and be honest with each other, things can change for the better.


I tried individual counseling. It helped me figure out somethings like why I stay away from confrontations. Suggested MC to my wife, she is not comfortable with it. Maybe I should push her one more time to give it a try. After almost a year of arguments and struggles, I don't know if I have the energy for it either.


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## nekonamida

If it were me, I would tell her I wanted a divorce and let her suggest MC and do the legwork of finding the counselor and booking sessions. Counseling only works if you do what the counselor recommends. If she only goes under threat of divorce, it's a waste of time and money.


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## aine

Be honest with her and tell her what is at stake. If she knows you are thinking of divorce she may be more amenable to MC.


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## BluesPower

First, honestly, you sound so young and immature. That is not an insult so please don't take it that way.

Second, because you are young you will not believe what I am saying next but I have to try. You think you have to be type A and set the world on fire. We all do at a young age, but if you are smart you will understand that there is a balance. If you do not learn it now, YOU and your relationships will suffer for it the rest of your life. 

Third, if you are done the just be honest. And you need therapy about why you do not communicate. You need to learn that whether you stay in your marriage or not...


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## jlg07

Kevinsh said:


> I tried individual counseling. It helped me figure out somethings like why I stay away from confrontations. Suggested MC to my wife, she is not comfortable with it. Maybe I should push her one more time to give it a try. After almost a year of arguments and struggles, I don't know if I have the energy for it either.


So, for the MC, my suggestion is to try to get your wife to agree. At this point, you have nothing to lose and at least you can say that you tried everything you could before you give up.


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## Mr.Married

Kevinsh said:


> I tried individual counseling. It helped me figure out somethings like why I stay away from confrontations. Suggested MC to my wife, she is not comfortable with it. Maybe I should push her one more time to give it a try. After almost a year of arguments and struggles, I don't know if I have the energy for it either.


Well would you want her to go for no other reason than save her butt from divorce or want her to do it because it is the best thing for y’all as a couple???

You already gave her the couple option...

No kids.... no problems. I would move on. If you stay you will likely just find yourself back here in a couple years anyways..... wasted years of mental anguish


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## Angelwanderer

Hi. A break will do you both good. If that means divorce then so be it. 

You are too different and both of you too young to let this status quo become rooted inside your marriage. By staying, you're saying to her it's ok to be this way and, inadvertently, committing yourself to accepting it.

Take a break. 

-A

Wrote a letter about a troubled marriage. It became a novel. It's mostly fiction _wink_ Love Hurts: When Breaking Up Is The Right Thing To Do


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## Kevinsh

Angelwanderer said:


> Hi. A break will do you both good. If that means divorce then so be it.
> 
> You are too different and both of you too young to let this status quo become rooted inside your marriage. By staying, you're saying to her it's ok to be this way and, inadvertently, committing yourself to accepting it.
> 
> Take a break.
> 
> -A
> 
> Wrote a letter about a troubled marriage. It became a novel. It's mostly fiction _wink_ Love Hurts: When Breaking Up Is The Right Thing To Do


A few months ago I suggested living separately for a while. She didn't want to do it and she thought I am trying to test full separation before making the final decision. I was tired of my living situation and wanted a break, but she was kind of right too. If I would have been more comfortable on my own maybe I wouldn't have come back again.


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## Married but Happy

Kevinsh said:


> A few months ago I suggested living separately for a while. She didn't want to do it and she thought I am trying to test full separation before making the final decision. I was tired of my living situation and wanted a break, but she was kind of right too. *If I would have been more comfortable on my own maybe I wouldn't have come back again.*


If that's how it turns out, then why go back? Just divorce and move on.


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## aine

Kevinsh said:


> A few months ago I suggested living separately for a while. She didn't want to do it and she thought I am trying to test full separation before making the final decision. I was tired of my living situation and wanted a break, but she was kind of right too. If I would have been more comfortable on my own maybe I wouldn't have come back again.


Sometimes spouses look to their partner to make them happy. Is this what you are doing? There must be some reason you married her? You have to know that noone else can make you happy, only you an make yourself happy by dealing with your own demons, you baggage, etc. Having hobbies, building yourself up, etc. You have not really specified why you want a divorce other than that she is the opposite of you. Remember opposites attract, is this really the problem?


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## Kevinsh

aine said:


> Sometimes spouses look to their partner to make them happy. Is this what you are doing? There must be some reason you married her? You have to know that noone else can make you happy, only you an make yourself happy by dealing with your own demons, you baggage, etc. Having hobbies, building yourself up, etc. You have not really specified why you want a divorce other than that she is the opposite of you. Remember opposites attract, is this really the problem?


I kept telling myself that I should not look for happiness outside and I am responsible for my happiness. But being in an unhappy stressful environment makes it hard. I guess being opposites is what attracted us in the first place. But having different hobbies, different goals and approaches in life and not enjoying the same circle of friends distanced me from her. She did things that were wrong and hurtful to me like being financially irresponsible, having her parents live with us for about 8 months without checking with me if I am okay with it. I knew they are visiting but I didn't know this will be an open-ended stay and they will stay with us for that long. It was my fault to never man up and confront her on issues that bothered me. I tried to avoid the arguments and confrontations. She is the type that gets very emotional when I tell her she is doing something wrong. Example: when I finally told her I am not comfortable with her parents living with us and I don't have my privacy, she started crying and screaming and told her mom that my husband wants you to leave while I hade to stand there and look her mom in the eyes.
The problem is I can't find the spark in me anymore and the way I'm looking at it, I don't find any benefits for me in this relationship. I feel selfish thinking this way about my marriage but these are the thoughts that keep coming in my mind: Am I just hurt or I really don't love her anymore. Why should I stay in this relationship? What am I gaining?


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## aine

yes, these are very hurtful things and show a lack of respect for you and your views. However, you are partly responsible for not bringing the issue up there and then. You cannot expect a spouse to guess what you are thinking or feeling. Spouses come from different backgrounds with different expectations. One spouse may assume it is their (and their spouses) duty to take care of parents for example, another coming from a different background may think otherwise. These matters must be raised and discussed, not buried for some time and then become resentful.
You are the leader of your home, therefore should be willing to bring up issues.
I sense that you are not western, am I right? Though you live in USA. 
I guess things are so far gone, you do not think you can have an open discussion about these issues? Do you think you will move to another relationship and once again bury how you feel and not express your needs?


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## Livvie

aine said:


> yes, these are very hurtful things and show a lack of respect for you and your views. However, you are partly responsible for not bringing the issue up there and then. You cannot expect a spouse to guess what you are thinking or feeling. Spouses come from different backgrounds with different expectations. One spouse may assume it is their (and their spouses) duty to take care of parents for example, another coming from a different background may think otherwise. These matters must be raised and discussed, not buried for some time and then become resentful.
> You are the leader of your home, therefore should be willing to bring up issues.
> I sense that you are not western, am I right? Though you live in USA.
> I guess things are so far gone, you do not think you can have an open discussion about these issues? Do you think you will move to another relationship and once again bury how you feel and not express your needs?


Hmmm why is HE the _leader_ of their home?


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## MattMatt

Livvie said:


> Hmmm why is HE the _leader_ of their home?


Because when a spouse pulls a stunt like *this:*-

"She is the type that gets very emotional when I tell her she is doing something wrong. Example: when I finally told her I am not comfortable with her parents living with us and I don't have my privacy, she started crying and screaming and told her mom that my husband wants you to leave while I hade to stand there and look her mom in the eyes."

Someone needs to show leadership. And it can't be the wife, now can it?


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## Kevinsh

Livvie said:


> Hmmm why is HE the _leader_ of their home?


It does feel I'm the leader and yes it was out of necessity. Someone had to take care of things. My therapist said my desire to have this leadership role and satisfaction I receive from doing it and her desire to have someone to rely on and take care of her is one of the things that attracted us to each other. But I don't feel happy about this and I do like to have a partner who would take responsibility and we can build a life together.


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## Kevinsh

aine said:


> yes, these are very hurtful things and show a lack of respect for you and your views. However, you are partly responsible for not bringing the issue up there and then. You cannot expect a spouse to guess what you are thinking or feeling. Spouses come from different backgrounds with different expectations. One spouse may assume it is their (and their spouses) duty to take care of parents for example, another coming from a different background may think otherwise. These matters must be raised and discussed, not buried for some time and then become resentful.
> You are the leader of your home, therefore should be willing to bring up issues.
> I sense that you are not western, am I right? Though you live in USA.
> I guess things are so far gone, you do not think you can have an open discussion about these issues? Do you think you will move to another relationship and once again bury how you feel and not express your needs?


I agree. I should have confronted her when I saw something I didn't like and felt wrong. And yes we live in USA but not originally from here. 
Your last two sentences are exactly my concerns; maybe things are so far gone and what if I end this relationship and find myself in the same mess again a few years down the road.


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## aine

Kevinsh said:


> I agree. I should have confronted her when I saw something I didn't like and felt wrong. And yes we live in USA but not originally from here.
> Your last two sentences are exactly my concerns; maybe things are so far gone and what if I end this relationship and find myself in the same mess again a few years down the road.


I think you should continue to work on yourself with your own therapist and become the man you want to be. Tell your wife you are doing this and suggest she do the same.
Then make a decision to see what you want to do. Give yourself a timeframe.


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## oldshirt

Kevinsh said:


> she thought I am trying to test full separation before making the final decision. I was tired of my living situation and wanted a break, but she was kind of right too. If I would have been more comfortable on my own maybe I wouldn't have come back again.


BOOM!!


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## oldshirt

Kevinsh said:


> It does feel I'm the leader and yes it was out of necessity. Someone had to take care of things. My therapist said my desire to have this leadership role and satisfaction I receive from doing it and her desire to have someone to rely on and take care of her is one of the things that attracted us to each other. But I don't feel happy about this and I do like to have a partner who would take responsibility and we can build a life together.


Many relationships do thrive on one member being the more dominant and leader such as the captain of the ship and the other being the first officer. 

But what you are describing in your marriage is more like a parent and a child. 

Almost all relationships have a more active partner who has more get-up-and-go. But the problem here is she doesn't sound good at simple adulting. 

If you were the captain of a ship, would you want her as your first officer? Would you want her at the helm when you were asleep or in sick bay or off of the bridge for whatever reason?


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## DownByTheRiver

You don't have kids, so cut your losses and leave. You have a basic difference in lifestyles. There's nothing wrong with either of you being the way you are. I am probably more like your wife. I like to sleep in, wake up naturally when I can. I wouldn't like anyone trying to wake me up like my mom used to do and then one roommate just because they were bored. So you need to find someone who has more interests, not just your interests though, and isn't as much of a homebody. But just know that she may not want to do everything you want to do either, but hopefully you'll have some common interests. You should be able to tell just by dating someone if they really like doing things or not.


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## Kevinsh

oldshirt said:


> But what you are describing in your marriage is more like a parent and a child.


Interesting you bring that up. My sister told me almost the same thing; that you didn't marry someone, you adopted someone. 
Would she be able to carry us if something happens to me? No, I don't think so. Looking at it from that perspective and comparing costs and benefits, even though I have to pay spousal support if we get separated it would be better for me in the long run. But at an emotional level, I don't know what will happen and if I would regret my decision down the road. I also know it would devastate her and the idea of hurting her this much really upsets me.


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## Openminded

Yes, it’s going to hurt her. That‘s unfortunately what happens when one person wants a divorce and the other one doesn’t. Plenty of people can’t get past that so they stay. You’ll have to decide whether her feelings are more important than your feelings.


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## aine

Kevinsh said:


> Interesting you bring that up. My sister told me almost the same thing; that you didn't marry someone, you adopted someone.
> Would she be able to carry us if something happens to me? No, I don't think so. Looking at it from that perspective and comparing costs and benefits, even though I have to pay spousal support if we get separated it would be better for me in the long run. But at an emotional level, I don't know what will happen and if I would regret my decision down the road. I also know it would devastate her and the idea of hurting her this much really upsets me.



It is like ripping off a plaster, it will sting for a while but with time the pain will fade. Honesty hurts sometimes. There is no point in either of you living a half life.


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## WandaJ

I think he is done.


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## aine

Kevinsh said:


> Interesting you bring that up. My sister told me almost the same thing; that you didn't marry someone, you adopted someone.
> Would she be able to carry us if something happens to me? No, I don't think so. Looking at it from that perspective and comparing costs and benefits, even though I have to pay spousal support if we get separated it would be better for me in the long run. But at an emotional level, I don't know what will happen and if I would regret my decision down the road. I also know it would devastate her and the idea of hurting her this much really upsets me.


Did you grow up in the US? Did your wife? Is she working? I think culture has a lot to do with this. The roles of husbands and wives in the USA are very equal (well supposed to be) but if you come from (say) and Asian country not so. It is easier for someone to adapt to a different cultural environment is they are out working full time and meeting people. It is much more difficult to come from a different culture and then be stuck at home fulfilling the traditional roles expected by the culture. You have expectations, she has expectations but it seems neither have sat down and discussed what those are.
Is this a love marriage or an arranged marriage?


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## MattMatt

@Kevinsh how is it going?


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## Galabar01

I think you need to communicate all of this to your wife. Tell her exactly how your feeling. Also, if you do want to stay married figure out exactly what is it you want.

On the other hand, walking away may not be the worst thing in this scenario. Whatever you do, don't cheat -- take a look at the other forums around here to see how much pain that causes the other person.


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## Dadto2

IMO, once the love is truly gone, there is little you can do to get it back. Having said that, I know God hates divorce and anyone considering it should exhaust all efforts to try to work things out. At least then you can say you did all you could and walk away with a somewhat clear conscious. So I would start with joint MC. If she doesn't want to go, you've done all you can and need to pray for an amicable divorce.


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## Ella-Bee

"opposites attract"

In reality, research has shown this is rarely the case. Most people actually prefer familiar traits in their partner, especially in times of stress or as they get older. Those novelties wear off very quickly and you want to have someone that understands you, has equal values, gives equally, and has the same intelligence and basic skills so they are able to share the stress with you or take over when you are unable to. As others have pointed out, you have a parent-child dynamic that is very unhealthy and will only become more toxic over time.


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## Imnobodynew

Hmmm I was going to ask from reading through the thread, especially with the parents, is this a cultural clash? Sometimes coming the states changes the roles a responsibilities that may the social norm in other countries and this can cause friction.

This friction can get worse if the expectations aren't spelt out between the partners in the marriage. The weight of seeing a new perspective from those around you changes your requirements for partner. 

A good example:Some cultures the wife defers to the husband to make a final decision, other cultures it's a hive mind collective including extended families, some cultures the roles of the sexes are rigid l, still more cultures the woman makes most of the decisions. When introduced to a new culture where more is expected from the wife or husband this can cuase feelings of discontent. Makes the grass look real green from the outside without context.

I guess my point is, instead of jumping to quick conclusions you might want to explore why you are going through these feelings. You might be trying to interpret things through the wrong lens. 

I could be wholly wrong, I just throw it out there because divorce, to me, is a big deal. Big deals need lots of thought. It might be wise to take things steps by step. Identify your steps, define your expectations and explanations to each other, then give it a try. Then if it doesn't work out take more drastic measures.


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## Kaliber

Kevinsh said:


> But having different hobbies, different goals and approaches in life and not enjoying the same circle of friends distanced me from her


Is that a bad thing?!
Why do you need your wife to be the same copy of you?!



Kevinsh said:


> My therapist said my desire to have this leadership role and satisfaction I receive from doing it and her desire to have someone to rely on and take care of her is one of the things that attracted us to each other. But I don't feel happy about this and I do like to have a partner who would take responsibility and we can build a life together.


Is it, a build life together or build a business together?
You want a wife a mother for you future kids or a business partner?
There are differences in what you are seeking.
You taking the leadership role is the right thing to do, it's the natural thing to do, this is how you can sustain a relationship, having a partner that competes with your role will crack that natural biological balance and you will be in for a world of hurt and pain in your future relationships!



Kevinsh said:


> what if I end this relationship and find myself in the same mess again a few years down the road.


No, the mess you will see down the road will be something different, it will be worse, really bad, trust me, you have a wife that many men would love to have, someone who wants you to lead and submits to your authority!
However you did mess up big time on the authority part when you didn't put your foot down when needed, and thus, you built a huge resentment because you didn't take actions and exercised your role in the relationship!

You have problems, and you can easily fix it!

Buddy, don't take my ward for it, you can do a little bit of research and find out yourself.
Go to any relationship forums/websites, here at TAM and others, and read people relationship and marriage problems, see the mess that's happening when the leadership role is off balance in favor for the female spouse! It's a s**t storm out there! You don't wanna join in!
Go and see for yourself!

I wish you luck!


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## midatlanticdad

Kevinsh said:


> Interesting you bring that up. My sister told me almost the same thing; that you didn't marry someone, you adopted someone.
> Would she be able to carry us if something happens to me? No, I don't think so. Looking at it from that perspective and comparing costs and benefits, even though I have to pay spousal support if we get separated it would be better for me in the long run. But at an emotional level, I don't know what will happen and if I would regret my decision down the road. I also know it would devastate her and the idea of hurting her this much really upsets me.


i had something similar said to me. some of the conflicts in our marriage were referred to as "parenting" 

i too have struggled with the same fears (hurting others). you have to do what's best for you in my opinion. just have to get the courage to accept that would be right for you.


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## Ella-Bee

I would also add that yes, it might (likely) hurt her. But it also might give her a kick up the ass to stop being so dependent on other people. She needs to grow up at some point. Or she will just find someone that enjoys taking on a parent role. Some people enjoy that type of arrangement, so they would be a perfect fit. You clearly don't and that's fine. Let her find someone that does.


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## DownByTheRiver

I'm not cut out for domesticity because anyone who is prodding me to keep the same schedule they do will be out in a hurry. Especially about when to wake up. I mean, sure, if they don't work and lay in bed all day, but if they're carrying on and keeping up their end, none ya business.


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## ccpowerslave

From the sounds of this I think you would have benefitted a lot from boundaries.

My wife’s mom had been in bad health for many many many years. I think at some point she tested the waters about her coming to stay with us for some amount of time and my answer was, “Sure, but if she lives here I won’t be here.” Financial support was a thing I was willing to deal with in ignorance, she does it and never tells me and we’re good. So I had my boundary and compromise and she had a choice.

In your case where you come home one day and the MIL is living there I would have addressed it right then and presented the same options. In fact I probably would have gone to stay at a hotel until she was out or I’m talking to a divorce attorney.

At this point what are you trying to salvage with her? Or are you just trying to avoid the discomfort? In that case just rip the band aid off!


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