# Are affairs addictions?



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I did a forum search of this topic but could not find any. I was reading about this on another website and it got me thinking. Do you believe that an affair, whether a one-night stand, emotional or a long extended physical affair is an addiction? Or is this just some bullcrap excuse for why they went and cheated? This is the website I am referring to: Open Discussion: Is Marital Infidelity an Addiction? | Emotional Affair Journey


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

"They" say they are addictions.

Something about the dopamine and brain and whatnot. I think an EA or long-standing physical affair would be far more "addicting" than a ONS, IMO.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Am I putting too much effort into trying to understand my H and why he is doing what he is doing? It's almost like my own obsession to figure why he would do this. And I hate "because he could" as answer.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

http://www.emotionalaffair.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/CHEAT-test.pdf


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Apple, your situation is beyond that at this point. You have called him out on it and he has told you he wants to be with her. They have both lied to you and are carrying out the affair right under your nose, on th ephone in front of you, in your driveway, etc.

If he wanted to end it, he would (with OW).

So I would tell you to try to move on.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I wrote this... about the Fog and affair addiction after I found out about the affair and was totally baffled by what I saw...

Let me tell you, and like drugs or anything else it can be entirely dependant on the individual... Just like a gambling addiction, drug addiction, Alcohol, etc... Some people can do it and never really experience the "addiction" the same way...

But ABSOLUTELY, beyond any shadow of any doubt, it can be an extremely powerful addiction. It can be as dangerous or more dangerus than other addictions for the simple fact you brought up... teh question of "is it really an addiction?" and people in the throughs of this addiction dismiss it's addictive symptoms and signs entirely because that is part of being addicted... "heavy denial and rationalization of behaviors"


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

They certainly can be.

After our latest blow-up this week, my wife was forced to look at her lifelong behavior and agreed with me that she's addicted to sexual attention from men she's not committed to. After that realization, she researched sexual addiction, took a self-assessment (answered "yes" to 29 out of 40 questions) and admitted out loud that she feels she is an addict. She looked up a local meeting of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, and will be attending it tonight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

The Chemistry of Love

Amazon.com: Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love (9780805077964): Helen Fisher: Books

These two links both answer using research and science rather than opinions, yet just to be clear I think there is a difference between saying, "It's an addiction--I can't help myself" and continuing to do what you know is wrong...and saying "It's an addiction" and then using that as knowledge to help deal with the addiction so it doesn't occur again. 

I am a strong advocate for personal responsibility, and even though for my own self I've figured out "WHY" I did some of the things I did, it does not excuse my choices nor reduce my responsibility nor give me the option to avoid the consequences of my choices. However, if I know it is a chemical addiction I can do appropriate steps to avoid relapse and protect myself and my partner from my weaknesses/vulnerabilities.


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

In my opinion, some affairs can be but def not all. Reading this forum, I've read multiple people diagnose their spouse as being addicted to having EA's/PA's...it makes me wonder if saying that is a way to minimize the pain and not have to accept the entire truth and hold your spouse accountable for their actions.
My husband is just addicted to having affairs vs. my husband is in love with another woman.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Addicted means you subsume a limited capacity to fight it.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I've often wondered this too.

Wrong is obviously still wrong - but it may mean you approach the solution a bit differently.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

There are undoubtedly other factors that can help determine if there is an addiction in play or if an "addiction" is just being used as a convenient excuse.

Using my wife as an example again, she is predisposed to addiction, with both parents being alcoholics (her mother drinking while pregnant, at that). She has made a conscious effort to try to avoid alcoholism, so my untrained armchair psychology concludes that the addiction-prone portion of her personality found a different outlet, possibly informed by a pattern of date rape and abuse by her boyfriend when she was a high school freshman.

I'm not letting her use any of that as an excuse, but it sure seems like a logical place to start for both of us to try to understand the root of her problems and actions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

My H is a sex addict/love addict. He gets a rush off of that feeling of first love.. the "fog" so he actively seeks it out. As soon as current OW and he start to lose that "honeymoon" period.. he will be off on his old habits and leaving her behind. 

He found all this out about himself after our first seperation and trips to IC (which he quit because he said the therapist was 'attacking' him personally saying stuff was his fault).

His sex addiction started with pornography.. which progressed to joining dating sites and a BDSM club in the city we live in. He also hunted for BDSM buddies on facebook. He claims in this club there was never any "penetration" so he doesn't see it as cheating.. they just shopped for whips, chains and gags together then used them on each other to get off .. ACK! *shudder*

Anyway my point is.. one addiction can lead to another and another and another.. My H's sexual addiction, I think, became not enough of a fix for him.. so now its the "love" addiction... if he keeps going down this route.. i fear for the future and what he might become.

Sidenote: I just realized we are neighbors apple! awesome


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

in many cases i believe it is.

yet the word addiction too needs to be clarified as well.

it can be chemical as some here have proposed, and it can be
moral-experiential/environmental too.

yet i strongly suggest u all read up on the spiritual side of life
here on earth, a.s.a.p.

google it, book it, and yes....ref it with a divinely inspired book
called the Bible if u r a mature, open minded, truth seeking individual.

I pray the H>S> teaches u, and leads u to the Truth.

To Grayson: please go with yer W to that Sex convention
each time, because i've heard/read too many horror stories
that have arisen from H/W's attending them alone, as the 
lust they carry in their minds/hearts "charges" the atmosphere
there and its no wonder more potential playmates arise as a 
result.

Shalom.........yeladeem!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Lilyana said:


> My H is a sex addict/love addict. He gets a rush off of that feeling of first love.. the "fog" so he actively seeks it out. As soon as current OW and he start to lose that "honeymoon" period.. he will be off on his old habits and leaving her behind.
> 
> He found all this out about himself after our first seperation and trips to IC (which he quit because he said the therapist was 'attacking' him personally saying stuff was his fault).
> 
> ...


How are we neighbors? Are you across the street and I dont know it? Let's go tonight! :smthumbup:


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I wish we were that close! lol I'm only about a 10 minute drive from Iowa.. so depends on where you are


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

cb45 said:


> Shalom.........yeladeem!



Are you a Hebrew teacher?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Lilyana said:


> I wish we were that close! lol I'm only about a 10 minute drive from Iowa.. so depends on where you are


I sent you a private message


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

sent ya one back


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Cb45,

The group is all women. The men's group meets separately, at a different day/time for just that very reason.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

It is an addiction. Essentially it's a dopamine response based thing and the overall view of the TAM board is that intervention tactics on affairs mirrors intervention tactics for other addictions.

i.e. they always lie, you rather evidence of the addiction, you expose the addiction, you create clear behavioral outcomes, you stop all contact with the addiction source.

Frankly it's the only thing that works.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Atholk said:


> It is an addiction. Essentially it's a dopamine response based thing and the overall view of the TAM board is that intervention tactics on affairs mirrors intervention tactics for other addictions.
> 
> i.e. they always lie, you rather evidence of the addiction, you expose the addiction, *you create clear behavioral outcomes, *you stop all contact with the addiction source.
> 
> Frankly it's the only thing that works.


And yet, SOOO many people DON'T do that. But I agree. cutting off emotional support to the one having the affair and stating to them clearly, I will not tolerate this BS is pretty much the only way to make them come down form the high. And it's got to be done very soon after discovering the A is happening. In the cases I've seen people get back together/reconcile, it seems this is the only thing that works.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Nonsense. Cheating isn't an addiction. Anymore than you're addicted to being cheated on.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Runs like Dog said:


> Nonsense. Cheating isn't an addiction. Anymore than you're addicted to being cheated on.


Call it what you will. Intervening with the addiction model is the only thing that works with any repeatable success.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If any thing that is fun, exciting, scary, and just a plain thrill has to be addicting. I mean jumping out of a air plane is dangerous not morally wrong but all the same seams wrong to jump out of a perfectly good air plane and folks continue to do it. It just seems the tabboo and thrill and secrecy has to be addicting when screwing around on your spouse.

Beside its my experience that the DS will get progressively worse, which makes infidelity a unhealthy addiction. Soon the DS's shoot will not open and they will come crashing to the ground hitting people when they make it to earth.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I do think it can be an addiction, especially to those who have addictive personalities, just depends on what your addiction is, you could be addicted to adrenaline rushes, addicted to caffiene, alcohol, addictions have varying degrees, some healthy, some unhealthy. For example, you could be addicted to broccoli, (I know I know not a great example lol), but it is good for you, bad addiction, drugs, because it is unhealthy.

The person committing the infidelity gets all these brain chemicals rushing through their head, and they like it, so they keep looking for it over and over and over. Now, I am not implying that all cheaters become addicted over and over and over again, because I do not believe in once a cheater always a cheater, some still have their moral compass, it just got damaged and needed some tweaking. Now others are so lost and aren't able to be happy within themselves keep looking for this feeling because it feels good, over and over and over again, and don't care who they hurt along the way.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Lilyana said:


> I wish we were that close! lol I'm only about a 10 minute drive from Iowa.. so depends on where you are


Darn it! I am about 9 hours or so up Northish of you guys, upper Midwest lol.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

paramore said:


> I do think it can be an addiction, especially to those who have addictive personalities, just depends on what your addiction is, you could be addicted to adrenaline rushes, addicted to caffiene, alcohol, addictions have varying degrees, some healthy, some unhealthy. For example, you could be addicted to broccoli, (I know I know not a great example lol), but it is good for you, bad addiction, drugs, because it is unhealthy.
> 
> The person committing the infidelity gets all these brain chemicals rushing through their head, and they like it, so they keep looking for it over and over and over. Now, I am not implying that all cheaters become addicted over and over and over again, because I do not believe in once a cheater always a cheater, some still have their moral compass, it just got damaged and needed some tweaking. Now others are so lost and aren't able to be happy within themselves keep looking for this feeling because it feels good, over and over and over again, and don't care who they hurt along the way.


With my husband, I almost think he is addicted to the "rush" of a new love. I do not think he set out to "fall in love" but he falls anyways and he becomes hooked on that "new love rush" It's like a high school crush with him. If you think back to when you all were in high school and you had your first crush and all you ever thought about was your crush, that is how my H is behaving with "just a friend". He knows that it is wrong but he acts likes a rebellious child anyways. A type of "you cant tell me what to do" attitude.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Yup, I am inclined to agree with you, from what you have told me about him, and the fact that he cheated on you 5 years ago and has had however many women in the last 6 8 months, I do believe you are correct.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

That's a cop out. That's straight up bull****. "You can't blame me, I have a disease. I came out of my mother this way."

Bwahaha.

I can't help tossing all your **** on the front lawn either. Sorry.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I agree its not a disease but I can see how something so bad for you can be hard to stay away from.

Once you have justified it in your mind then hell theres no stopping them.

So there a thrill and a validation, then when the guilt start to rot your soul they justify it by demonising the LS. 

So my point is it is addictive but then it reaches a point were they want to stop but can't so then they go to justifaction so they dont have to stop.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Addiction is the closest thing to what cheating is.

But it really isn't that at all. 

I mean addiction means that a person can not help but do it over and over again, they have to physically stop themselves. Choice is not an option for an addict in most cases.

Cheaters choose to cheat. It is more opportunity than a voice saying " you need this now!" 

With that said, cheaters are generally just people with a screwed up sense of morality and no understanding of marriage. They are unmotivated to make a commitment work if it costs them anything personally. 

In a lot of cases, Cheaters get with single people. Not always of course, but in those cases where a single person is involved... well to the single person the cheating behavior doesn't really damage them in any way. The allegiance of the OM or OW is not to the spouse of the cheater, but to themselves and the cheater. TO them, there is no problem until they want more than just sex and hot dates.

Everything boils down to the cheaters lack of morality. 

Loyals will never understand a cheater because they cannot empathize with them. You shouldn't be asking if addiction is the problem, that is just an excuse for the behavior. Cheaters dont let us know they are unfaithful before the wedding. If they did there would be less weddings and divorces. The fact is that a good chunk of us are just really unfortunate to have found them. 

I have slowed down my posts here because of the number of cheaters posting. The more time i spend here, the more i realize that no amount of counseling the hurt will slow down the flow of fresh, bloody and beaten bodies I see here each week. For every person who finds redemption, 4 more are committing the offense. I wouldn't be able to make it a single day, if i didn't believe in hell.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

that makes sence

And its good to get away but if any one need to check in once inawahil its you 2x. your wisdom and insite is priceless.

Not just b/c its a free site....you have good perspective. insite, advice, and when ever I catch some humor from you its like finding a 4 leaf clover. lol


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

the guy said:


> that makes sence
> 
> And its good to get away but if any one need to check in once inawahil its you 2x. your wisdom and insite is priceless.
> 
> Not just b/c its a free site....you have good perspective. insite, advice, and when ever I catch some humor from you its like finding a 4 leaf clover. lol


:iagree:


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

twotimeloser said:


> Addiction is the closest thing to what cheating is.
> 
> But it really isn't that at all.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your input 2xs. I think I probably try to over analyze the reason why my Hubs cheated and why he did it several times throughout our (nearly) 14 yr marriage. I wanted to know why he has no remorse. I wanted to know why he would so willingly hurt his family. I wanted to know why none of us mattered to him. And I wanted a reason besides he's just an @sshole.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I think they are addicted to the brain chemicals, you are absolutely correct in saying that they can physically stop themselves, that is kind of where I think some part of it is an addiction. The act of cheating itself IS a choice, I fully agree on that. For instance a heroin addict is addicted to the substance itself, but it takes the physical act of shooting it into their brain to get their fix, they can very well stop it at any time, an alcoholic is addicted to the chemical, but physically they do choose to go out and buy it, even though they know it's wrong and is detrimental to their life.


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