# Will this feeling last?



## audacia (Apr 27, 2013)

I have new feelings about my H. They are feelings of revulsion and a strong desire to be completely separate and away from him. 

These are different than previous feelings I have had. He has hurt me to the core of my being so many times. And in the past I have felt hurt. I have felt angry. I have wished he would fix it. I wanted him to apologize and make amends. He has never really understood how to do that. But he has always managed to suck me back in.

As I have read and researched I have realized that I actually WANTED him to hoover me back in. But right now I feel this creepy crawly feeling around him. 

So my question has two parts. First, will this feeling of revulsion last for a while now that it has sort of filled me? I think it would be helpful in stopping me from being hoovered again. I really really need to get away from this toxic relationship. And second, are these feelings of revulsion going to damage me in the same way hanging onto anger can damage a person's joy of life?

Short story of my life if it may help. Married very young (21). We have 3 children, adult and living on their own. Husband emotionally abusive. That took several years for me to figure out. About 10 years ago I started pushing to find out what was going on. His behaviours didn't make sense. About 5 or 6 years ago he was diagnosed with ADHD and comorbid issues of depression, self-esteem issues, and a high likelihood of a personality disorder. With that came a life time of all sorts of ugly issues. Lots and lots of lying, cheating, porn compulsion, erectile disfunction (which his doctor diagnosed as emotionally caused, ED drugs don't work, T is normal), and a consistently negative malcontent attitude about life in general. 

For many years in the beginning I didn't know what was going on and I would react poorly. I would be angry and nasty. That didn't help things. After I found out he had multiple mental health issues I felt some relief. Like it wasn't all my fault. I wasn't crazy for thinking his behaviours were abusive. Unfortunately it took me a very long time to realize I can't force him to manage his depression, ADHD, or any of his problems. 

Decided a few days ago that I will get legal advice, sort out the finances and separate. It's a new decision so I am taking it slow. I have moved to a separate room. Keeping my distance from H. We own a second home so I have the option to move there. Because I have renters in that home I have at least 90 days before I can move there. I need to stay the course for 90 days. 

So now I have this feeling of seeing our relationship for what it really is. I have tried many times to see it. I knew I needed to see it, but for some reason I couldn't make myself really believe it. Now I have these new feelings and I am hopeful that they will help me stay strong and build a new healthy life for myself. I really want to get out and stay out. I'm afraid these feelings will evaporate and I will get soft and feel sorry for him like I have in the past. I need these feelings of revulsion to last. Or I need helpful things to do so I don't get sucked back in when I feel weak.


----------



## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

Sadly, this is increasingly common. You put up with him, raised the children, and now that you have an empty nest you recognize that he's not a very nice person and you are unhappy with your marriage.

You seem determined to get out but you are apparently framing the choice simply as between getting out and staying in.

It's not too late, however, to rebuild your marriage. That would require a lot of work, though, since it sounds like that has been neglected for some time.


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I would seriously doubt these feelings will completely go away, and certainly not on their own without some work. More likely is that you will find yourself vacillating back and forth, as you have a history together and know each other, good & bad, BUT you also are exploring a new-found emotional freedom within yourself.

If you're "afraid" you will get soft", then it seems you know what you ultimately want. Do you? you've been married a ling time, had children... is this a fleeting fantasy thought, or deep-rooted? Only you know that answer.

Have you considered MC/IC before legal moves? trial separation (not that I am big on them, but a short stint may tell you all you need to know about possibly missing him/your marriage)... and what's he saying about your move to a separate room?


----------



## audacia (Apr 27, 2013)

I am confident MC won't be the solution. About 18 months ago we decided to go to MC. We went a few times, but each time it felt like I was sitting in on my H private counselling session. Each time the discussion was all around him. How he feels, how he was abused growing up, how he strudgles with ADHD and how no one understands how hard it is for him. She gave us an assignment. We had to write things that we wished our partner would do. When she read them she criticised me for doing it wrong. I wrote my number one wish to be "for him to stop lying". She said it was a negative statement. So I suppose I should have said I want him to be honest. However, he took her comments to mean I shouldn't have the expectation he stop lying. He has told me several times, lying is part of ADHD and I have a problem understanding that.

After that I encouraged him to sign up for some ADHD group sessions. I told him I would go with him for support. He agreed. We went once. He said he wouldn't go back. According to him, those people are messed up and he doesn't have those problems. 

Then I had to draw the line in the sand so I said he had one month to find some help for his compulsive behaviours, primarily lying and being dishonest. I should say here, that he is not only dishonest with me. He lies frequently to his work mates, his boss, complete strangers. It is often very uncomfortable for me to be around other people with him because I get put in awkward situations. I told him at that time that if he didn't get some help managing some of his mental health problems I would separate from him. Under the pressure of that he got himself a referral to IC. He went 3 or 4 times. I wouldn't have believed him except I saw receipts. Each time he came home with assignments. He never did them. They were pretty simple assignments, but he never did a single one. After about the 4th time, he said it was too expensive and unhelpful. 

As far as IC for myself, I suspect I will attend a few sessions to just check in on myself. I generally have very good coping skills. I have a possitive outlook on life and I can find pleasure in the small things. I have a great job, great relationships with my sons and believe it or not, coming here to TAM is my therapy. It has been a big help. I do have some concerns for myself in the area of social contacts. I use to be a very social person. I was somewhat athletic and pretty outgoing. As life went on my circle got smaller and smaller. I don't blame my H for that, but he did influence me in many ways to drop friends or outside activities. He once became very angry that I was hanging out with a girlfriend who was having marital problems. He didn't want any of her stuff rubbing off on me. When we were first dating, he told a group of my friends to get out of my apartment and don't bother coming back. When I came back from the washroom, they were gone. So like I said, I don't hang my no friends situation on him because obviously I allowed it to happen. But since it has happened I now have to get back into the world and make friends. That part is both scary and exciting. I really do want to hang out and have fun with people but I will probably need some tips in that area. 

As for what he said about me moving into a separate room. Nothing. Not one thing. He has watched movies, played video games, washed the car. Since I'm not currently feeling sad or hurt or angry, I have just been busy doing my own thing. We haven't talked more than a few sentences in three days. Things don't even feel tense. Just two people who happen to live in the same building and occassionally see each other in the hall. 

I do have a small concern though. He was on his way out to wash the car and he asked if I would like to do something this afternoon. I was caught off guard a little. I don't know what that means exactly. Is he testing to see if my deciding to separate was just angry words and I didn't mean them? Does he think because I'm not crying or telling him how hurt I am, that it's just back to normal? I didn't know what to say at the time so I said, "let me think about it." Yeah I know, lame. But as I said, it caught me off guard. 

So now I'm not sure if I should sit him down and spell it out. I don't want to tell him my plans line by line. And I sure don't want to help him with his. I'm not even certain what my complete plans are yet. I wanted to give myself at least one week of not making any major decisions. I don't want emotions messing up my decisions. But I also do not want to hang out with him and act like this isn't happening. I'm not completely sure what to say, but I'm thinking on it.


----------



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Can you both agree to do a trial separation for 3 months then reassess, no one can predict how they will feel until they actually do it. You may love the freedom, or you may miss having someone around to discuss the day's events with or watch a movie with.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Hm - possible personality disorder you say? I really can't tell by your other traits you mention plus I'm not a professional in the mental health field but I do know from my narcissistic ex that one of the traits of narcissism is lying. I don't think mine lied to me (if he did I never discovered it) but he often lied to others. Plus the fact everything seems to be 'me me me' during counseling. Lying is NOT part of ADHD. Kind of funny - that in and of itself is a lie.

I don't find it unusual that as you've become more aware of how dysfunctional your marriage is and he is that you are repulsed. I definitely got that way - couldn't even kiss him toward the end.

Being repulsed doesn't necessarily go away (I still am! 10 years later!) but it's also not something I dwell on that would make the realization toxic. Your wanting him to pull you back in was a desire for the marriage to work. You tried MC, IC, assorted other therapies - I think you really just finally came to the conclusion that it's not going to work. Enjoy the peace for 90 days.


----------



## audacia (Apr 27, 2013)

Thank you EnjoliWoman, that felt like a little validation, and I need some of that. I have not told my story to a single person. (outside of TAM) I have only a couple of people I would trust enough to even say I'm having big challenges. I feel like I would be so judged. And once it's out there I can't take it back if I find out I told the wrong person. I think my H got incredibly skilled at deflecting and twisting and manipulating himself out of looking like he betrayed me. He has a bag of predictable things he says or does to somehow make it twist back on me or seem like it didn't actually happen. Sometimes I think other people wouldn't even believe me if I told them the crazy stuff he does. 

I asked my doctor if lying was a symptom of ADHD and he said no. But he's not a psychologist or psychiatrist so I didn't know if he knew for sure. Nothing I have ever read has indicated that compulsive lying is a symptom. But I have read about a couple of different disorders like narcissistic. 

This probably sounds bad but I really want this feeling of repulsion to stay with me. Not because I like the feeling, but it makes me feel like I'm safe from returning to the disfunction. I'm encouraged that you say it can last.


----------



## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Hm - possible personality disorder you say? I really can't tell by your other traits you mention plus I'm not a professional in the mental health field but I do know from my narcissistic ex that one of the traits of narcissism is lying. I don't think mine lied to me (if he did I never discovered it) but he often lied to others. Plus the fact everything seems to be 'me me me' during counseling. Lying is NOT part of ADHD. Kind of funny - that in and of itself is a lie.
> 
> I don't find it unusual that as you've become more aware of how dysfunctional your marriage is and he is that you are repulsed. I definitely got that way - couldn't even kiss him toward the end.
> 
> Being repulsed doesn't necessarily go away (I still am! 10 years later!) but it's also not something I dwell on that would make the realization toxic. Your wanting him to pull you back in was a desire for the marriage to work. You tried MC, IC, assorted other therapies - I think you really just finally came to the conclusion that it's not going to work. Enjoy the peace for 90 days.


:iagree: My stbx is a narcissist as well. I have been subjected to his lying on a consistent basis, plus porn compulsion and serial cheating. When I discovered the full extent of his disrespect and abuse (gaslighting), I felt like you did. I still do, 15 months later. He repulses me. Every time I think about him, you can see it on my face.



audacia said:


> Thank you EnjoliWoman, that felt like a little validation, and I need some of that. I have not told my story to a single person. (outside of TAM) I have only a couple of people I would trust enough to even say I'm having big challenges. I feel like I would be so judged. And once it's out there I can't take it back if I find out I told the wrong person.* I think my H got incredibly skilled at deflecting and twisting and manipulating himself out of looking like he betrayed me. He has a bag of predictable things he says or does to somehow make it twist back on me or seem like it didn't actually happen. *Sometimes I think other people wouldn't even believe me if I told them the crazy stuff he does.
> 
> I asked my doctor if lying was a symptom of ADHD and he said no. But he's not a psychologist or psychiatrist so I didn't know if he knew for sure. Nothing I have ever read has indicated that compulsive lying is a symptom. But I have read about a couple of different disorders like narcissistic.
> 
> This probably sounds bad but I really want this feeling of repulsion to stay with me. Not because I like the feeling, but it makes me feel like I'm safe from returning to the disfunction. I'm encouraged that you say it can last.


Oh yeah. I am very familiar with the bolded part above. It is the modus operandi of a narcissist. My stbx even worked to delude himself. He LOVES to think of himself as honorable and having integrity. He is a shallow, self centered, insecure boy at heart. The repulsion helps propel you in the (imo) healthy direction of separation and divorce. You cannot have a fulfilling relationship with a person who treats you this way. You will never have trust and I have discovered that trust is integral to a good marriage.

I was married for almost 25 years. Now, I am free (or almost there). I am re-discovering myself and finding out what being involved with an emotionally available, trustworthy man is like. It is like night and day. I like myself again, my self esteem is growing and I am laughing more than I have in a decade.


----------



## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

audacia said:


> I have new feelings about my H. They are feelings of revulsion and a strong desire to be completely separate and away from him.
> 
> These are different than previous feelings I have had. He has hurt me to the core of my being so many times. And in the past I have felt hurt. I have felt angry. I have wished he would fix it. I wanted him to apologize and make amends. He has never really understood how to do that. But he has always managed to suck me back in.
> 
> ...


audacia,

If you read my story, it's so similar to yours. I think it will help you realize that you are not alone in your feelings. I personally feel like your husband is suffering more from having a narcissistic personality disorder than all the one's you mentioned. I know that is what my husband has. It seems to fit your husband to a tee!

I'm in the same spot you are in, not sure what to do with my life either, after 52 yrs. of marriage. I too started to evaluate my life and realized the person that I married isn't the person I thought he was. I loved him to much to truly see what kind of person he was. It's a hard position to be in, so I can understand what you are going through. 

I too was cut down by my husband for years and didn't realize what he was doing, so I laughed like the rest of the people around us. I now realize, it was his way of being the center of attention, at my expense. 

I never did anything like that to him, just the opposite, I built him up all the time. The 3 yr. affair was the one thing that I thought he would never do to me, but he did and I can't get over it now as it's come back to haunt me 25 yrs. later. It's been 2 nightmarish years of me asking the questions that I never got answer's to 25 yrs. ago and I'm still not getting the answer's I need. I've moved into the other room also for week's as I can't stand to be in the same bed with him. But I don't sleep well either way, but at least you have a house you can go to in 3 months and I think the separation is the best thing you can do. 

How many affairs did your husband have? Did they have sex? After 3 lie detector test as mine didn't claim to have went that far, as he said he couldn't bring himself to go beyond that line with her. He only went off on 2 weekends in 3 yrs., so that would lead to think that he didn't. Yet it hurts me so bad to think that he was actually in bed with her and he was then able to come back and sleep with me. So what kind of person am I married to, not a very good one. I feel so used by him and betrayed by someone I loved.

I now feel like you, I realize that the 25 yrs. before the affair were not what I thought they were. I was doing all the giving in our marriage and he just took from me. No special dates, dealt with his drinking, controlling behavior, belittling me and not even knowing it. Now like you, I don't know what I am going to do with my life at 70. So I totally understand what you are feeling and my heart goes out to you. I think you are doing the right thing by moving out. In regards to the date, I think he is trying to manipulate you and I would say NO to him. Stand your ground and let him think about what he has done to you. 

Best of luck,

Granny7


----------



## audacia (Apr 27, 2013)

_"How many affairs did your husband have? Did they have sex?"_

Well let me do the math. If I count the affairs that I know about with 100% certainty because he admitted to them ... that's 4. If I add the ones that I strongly suspect, that's 6 more. So my best estimate is about 20. 

I know for certain that 4 of them involved sex. So my best guess on that is around 20. 

I should have talked about this a LONG time ago. I feel oddly empowered to let the truth out. It feels both humiliating and freeing at the same time. 

Granny7 I too felt very trapped or scared because of my age. Let me tell you one thing that has really had great influence on me and my knowing it will be ok without him. I work at a seniors living residence. The average age of our senior residents is around 85 to 90 years of age. We have a handful of people who are 100 or older. These are what we call "independant" seniors. That is to say they are not in a hospital bed. They come, they go, they socialize. Sure, a bit slower now than 20 years ago, but still vibrant people. 99% of them have lost their spouse. Let me tell you, there is more sex going on in our lodge than .... well I'll let you fill in the blank. And it's not just that. Many of our residents find new mates or companions. They hold hands and go out on dates. We have at least two couples who met at the lodge and now live together there at the lodge. It's so lovely. I know now it's never too late to be loved in a way that feels good. 

There are other reason I know I will be ok without my stbx, but that is for another post. 

Thank you for your encouraging words.


----------

