# Should I trust him?



## Titannia (Jan 25, 2013)

Hi. I started having trust issues a few months ago. It all started with the way my husband was behaving shortly after we had a baby. 
It all started when he was gone on business one weekend, I wanted to pay a bill so I had to check his credit card statement to see if it had been paid yet and I found all kinds of strange charges on it. After talking with him (nonaccusingly) he claimed he let his friend use his credit card for his affair. I don't like this but over time I know this is true...A few weeks later my husband and baby were napping in the same room so I went to turn the volume down on his phone and an open text message lit up talking about "getting naked and wanting you" but it was from someone he claims is a guy forwarding it to him from a girl hes seeing. Needless to say he got really mad at me and thought I opened it. Both of these things were not on purpose. But then I became paranoid and did open a text that just said "babe?" and then even called a number that popped up from a text and it was a girl. He texts all the time, day and night, he goes out with the guys every Saturday and stays the night, and he does 1-2 overnights shifts and work. 
I don't know if I am being completely paranoid and mean or if my suspicions are true.


----------



## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

All red flags, read the newbies link by almostrecovered...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

Take the time to read it all...
others will be jumping in real soon to give some kick ass advice.


----------



## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

Your suspicions are right on. He is definitely cheating.


----------



## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

LdyVenus said:


> Your suspicions are right on. He is definitely cheating.


Not necessarily true, but lots red flags for sure.
she will have to do some more investagating for sure....at this point dont ask him anthing because if he is cheating he sure the hell wont come clean until you have 100% solid proof that he cant put a spin on it and explain it away or make you think your crazy.. please read the newbies link, the cheaters script what gas lighting is and read other stories here on TAM.


----------



## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

LdyVenus said:


> Your suspicions are right on. He is definitely cheating.


Without a doubt!

How do you know the friend that used his card was really cheating? Lets give him the benefit of the doubt and say that is true (although I think he is feeding you a line of crap and got a friend to cover his story), so he was enabling someone to cheat? So he sees nothing wrong with it? Birds of a feather...

And as far as his phone. Don't feel guilty about looking at it! You have a family, why in the world should his phone be off limits to you? My SO and I are regularly in and on each others phones. Not for snooping but so what if you do. If there is nothing to hide there is no issue. Don't let him turn the tables on you. A text talking about getting naked and a girl texting him "babe" is the issue, not you looking at his phone. That is just ridiculous and WAY more than a red flag, that's a 2x4 to the face. I mean really?


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

To answer the title of your post - NO.


----------



## WhatASituation (Sep 27, 2012)

Go CIA on him and gather the evidence. Lots of red flags and no, do not trust him. I'm sorry you're here.


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Sounds bad. Don't trust.

Become a spy, gather intel and look for hard evidence. Do not trust what he says, look at only what he does. 

The mere fact he got angry and won't let you look at his phone is enough to warrant suspicion. The credit card stuff would make me apesh1t crazy. I suggest sharing that info with his "friends" wife. He is either lying to you about that or enabling a cheater? Either way don't stand for that. 

Let him be mad. Tell him to straighten up or give you half his stuff and get out.


----------



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Don't trust. 100% trust should never be the rule. It's what creates the environment that allows cheating to happen. In your case all of the signs of cheating are there and him hanging out with cheaterws and supporting cheaters only prove he is not opposed to cheating. 

You should immediately start gathering evidence.


----------



## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Titannia said:


> Hi. I started having trust issues a few months ago. It all started with the way my husband was behaving shortly after we had a baby.
> It all started when he was gone on business one weekend, I wanted to pay a bill so I had to check his credit card statement to see if it had been paid yet and I found all kinds of strange charges on it. After talking with him (nonaccusingly) he claimed he let his friend use his credit card for his affair. I don't like this but over time I know this is true...A few weeks later my husband and baby were napping in the same room so I went to turn the volume down on his phone and an open text message lit up talking about "getting naked and wanting you" but it was from someone he claims is a guy forwarding it to him from a girl hes seeing. Needless to say he got really mad at me and thought I opened it. Both of these things were not on purpose. But then I became paranoid and did open a text that just said "babe?" and then even called a number that popped up from a text and it was a girl. He texts all the time, day and night, he goes out with the guys every Saturday and stays the night, and he does 1-2 overnights shifts and work.
> I don't know if I am being completely paranoid and mean or if my suspicions are true.


He has all-night boys night outs??? Strabge texts talking about getting naked? Credit card charges? Um, no question. He is cheating. He is taking you for a ride. You don't even need anymore evidence. You have it all right there.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Don't go labeling your instincts as "trust issues."
Sorry to hear you are dealing with this while being a new mom.
It would be so nice if your H stayed home to have family time instead of this going out overnight with the guys thing.
That together with the credit card and the phone doesn't really sound as though it adds up to anything but an un-pretty picture.
It's your marriage so don't apologize for wanting to make sure that it's rock solid. And don't let anyone including and especially your husband tell you that you're feeling insecure because of having had a baby. I would feel uncertain and concerned about all the things you stated.


----------



## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Don't say anything more to him about anything. Just set up the necessaries and start collecting information: VAR, apps, view phone bill etc.


----------



## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

If you know this friends info, tell his wife that her husband is having an affair and your hubby is helping to cover it up. Guarantee, that friend will blow your husband out of the water and he will have no choice but to confess. 

Your man is cheating, don't be concerned with making him angry. You need to get angry.


----------



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Titannia, He is cheating. First of all, it's not ok for him to spend the night out with the boys... He is not a boy. He is supposed to be a man and take care of the family. You need to put a little more leash on him. He is straying. The anger at the phone is he's angry he got caught and is being defensive...

Don't get angry, get information... He has a girl under a Guy's name to cover it up. My EX Wife did that kind of thing too.


----------



## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Is he in junior high? Wow, passing messages for a friend! Does he really expect you to believe such nonsense? Married people do not have sleepovers, children do, and he does this every weekend? Why are you still putting up with this behavior? He is disrespecting you, your marriage and your vows. Time to stand up for yourself.


----------



## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

Tatianna, stop and back up. DO NOT LET HIM KNOW YOU ARE ON TO HIM....ACT LIKE YOU TRUST HIM. Because to me it sounds like you are still clinging to the hope it's his friend who was cheating. Its not. Its your husband. And the only way you will accept it is to get proof. So as others have said sit back and collect the evidence until you have solid proof. Then confront. Sorry you are here.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

How long have you been married? How old are you both?

Your marriage is on life-support and he is just fine with that. If he wasn't cheating or if he had JUST started to cheat he would be sweating bullets and falling all over himself to reassure you and hold his family together. 

But what was his reaction? Anger, lies, continuing his 'single bad-boy' ways. 

And don't ever feel bad about looking at bills, asking questions, looking at his phone msgs. You're MARRIED - even if he doesn't act like it.


----------



## Titannia (Jan 25, 2013)

Thank you everyone for your replies and words of wisdom. I am in a very difficult situation and I do not know what to think anymore. A few other things~
- I do know that the charges on the card were for the friends affair, I have a way of knowing but he is still helping him.
-He has hidden everything from me. I don't know any of his passwords, he pretty much sleeps with the phone in his pocket...
-And we rarely have sex anymore. He says he is too tired most nights.
-He will go to smoke outside and be gone sometimes for 30-60 minutes then say someone called him, but this randomly happens at those exact times.
I did however get the credit card number and call to hear the balance and transactions. There are lots of strange things on there. I am so confused and sad about all of this though. Thanks again everyone.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Titannia said:


> ... There are lots of strange things on there. I am so confused and sad about all of this though. Thanks again everyone.


The strangest is your willingness to put up with this for so long. 

"birds of a feather..." 
"by their actions shall you know them"

He is comfortable with the idea of cheating. He facilitates cheaters. Do they facilitate him? You bet they do. 

Gather your courage.


----------



## Titannia (Jan 25, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> How long have you been married? How old are you both?
> 
> Your marriage is on life-support and he is just fine with that. If he wasn't cheating or if he had JUST started to cheat he would be sweating bullets and falling all over himself to reassure you and hold his family together.
> 
> ...


We've been married 5 years and are both around 30. He would rather be alone than have someone that tells him what to do, he has told me this. I either have to take it or leave. I don't know if he's cheating but I do know he is lying. And staying out with the boys makes me crazy. I think I could handle the sleep over cause of drinking and driving but he doesn't come home til like 2 the next day.And has even done this on weekdays! He says he loves me but he doesnt seem to care if our relationship ends. He has hidden all the bills and his phone from me and says I just have to trust him


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Titannia said:


> We've been married 5 years and are both around 30. *He would rather be alone than have someone that tells him what to do*, he has told me this. I either have to take it or leave. I don't know if he's cheating but I do know he is lying. And staying out with the boys makes me crazy. I think I could handle the sleep over cause of *drinking and driving *but he doesn't come home til like 2 the next day.And has even done this on weekdays! He says he loves me but he doesnt seem to care if our relationship ends. He has hidden all the bills and his phone from me and says I just have to trust him


I guess he knows that you will put up with whatever he dishes out.

What he is doing to you is very cruel. I don't see a lot of "love" there.

You do realize that "he says he loves me" and "he doesn't care if our relationship ends" are in direct contradiction of each other?


----------



## Titannia (Jan 25, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> I guess he knows that you will put up with whatever he dishes out.
> 
> What he is doing to you is very cruel. I don't see a lot of "love" there.
> 
> You do realize that "he says he loves me" and "he doesn't care if our relationship ends" are in direct contradiction of each other?


Sadly I do realize that, but that's what he says and how he acts. He has always been a bit difficult, but he always made it worth it for me, until a few months ago. The only shred of hope I have left is that I do know the friend is cheating (I have a way of knowing) and that my husband threatened to go back to where he is from if things don't change. I guess that doesn't rule out cheating, he may not care about her either.
I don't know what to do.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

What kind of man is your husband, that he helps other people commit adultery?

That he regularly goes out and gets so drunk that he can't drive home until two the next afternoon?

This is from a poster named carmen ohio posted for someone else:

_While I greatly respect the other posters on this thread, I believe many of them, like you, are missing the big picture here -- namely, what should you do to regain your happiness.

From reading your notes, it is clear that you were absent from class the day they handed out the "how to be happy" instructions. So let me fill you in on The 10 Rules for Happiness:

Rule No. 1: You only get one life; never forget that. Corollary: You don't know how long you will live, you could live another 50 years or you might die tomorrow; never forget that either.

Rule No. 2: Deal with things as they really are, not as you would like them to be. Face up to your problems rather than pretending they don't exist or hoping they will simply go away.

Rule No. 3: You are solely responsible for your own happiness: don't expect or look to others to make you happy.

Rule No. 4: Your decisions and actions will have the greatest impact on your happiness. If you do the right things, your life will be better and vice versa. Corollary: Be honest with yourself about your failings and genuinely seek to improve yourself.

Rule No. 5: There is no guarantee that you will always be happy: some people win life's lottery, most don't and some people get the shaft. Corollary 1: Don't complain about the cards you are dealt or wallow in self-pity. Instead, focus on what you can control and learn not to worry about the rest. Corollary 2: Understand that it sometimes takes time and effort to regain your happiness.

Rule No. 6: Understand what makes you happy and what doesn't. Corollary 1: Since you will change over time, reconsider from time to time what will make you happy now and adjust your decisions and actions accordingly. Corollary 2: When something happens that makes you very unhappy, consider the totality of the situation: sometimes cutting down a few trees is the answer, other times you need to look for a new forest in which to live.

Rule No. 7: Do what makes you happy. Don't do what others (parents, friends, bosses, spouses, even children) want you to do unless it is what makes you happy. This might sound selfish but it's not. Some people are happiest when they are serving others (e.g., firemen, Mother Teresa). 

Rule No. 8: If you are unhappy about something, eliminate it from your life or, if that is not possible, minimize the degree of unhappiness it can cause you. If it's a situation (like a bad job), change it. If it's a thing (like a poorly operating car), get rid of it. If it's a person (like a wayward spouse), stop interacting or least minimize contact with the person. Corollary: When something or someone starts to cause you unhappiness, take action immediately; don't wait around hoping things will get better.

Rule No. 9: You don't apologize to anyone for doing what makes you happy. Corollary: You have no obligation to explain yourself or justify your decisions or actions. If you choose to do so, it should only be because it is to your advantage to do so.

Rule No. 10: Be the best person you can be, as you measure things. For most men, this means being fit and attractive to members of the opposite sex, being financially successfully and being emotionally strong and independent. But if you measure life success differently (e.g., displaying Christian virtues, gaining notoriety, acquiring power), then make these the main focus of you efforts.

If we apply these rules to your situation, it become readily apparent that you are breaking all the rules. For example:

☻ You are focused in the moment rather than thinking about how you want to live the rest of your life (violation of Rule No. 1). 

☻ You are more concerned about what your W may or may not have done rather than dealing with what you know she has done (violation of Rule No. 2).

☻ You seek affirmation from your W of your self-worth and the guidance of strangers as to what you should do, rather than taking responsibility for yourself (violation of Rule Nos. 3, 4 and 9).

☻ You are reluctant to take steps to improve your situation and instead are wallowing in self-pity and shame (violation of Rule Nos. 5, 7, 8 and 10).

☻ You seem not to have thought deeply about what you really want out of life (violation of Rule No. 6). 

☻ You reject the notion that your life may have to radically change in order for you to (eventually) be happy (another violation of Rule No. 6).

Based on the facts as you have recited them, I believe you have ample reason to be unhappy in your current circumstances and sufficient justification for taking action. So let me offer you an alternative approach to your problem that is consistent with the Rules of Happiness:

1. Sit your W down and tell her that you are so unhappy with your marriage that you are prepared to end it. Explain that, given what you know (OM's note, her hiding her phone messages, etc.), you can only conclude that either she is having an affair or that she doesn't care about you (as these are the only two reasons why she would not have taken steps to address your concerns when you first raised them). Say that, in either case, you would rather end your marriage than continue it since you deserve and are confident that you can have better than what you have right now.

2. Tell her that, out of love for her and your children, you are willing to give her one last chance to save her marriage and prove to you that she is a worthy wife. This requires her telling you everything that has happened between her and her boss, showing you all of her e-mails and text messages, giving you access to all of her communications in the future, immediately terminating all contact with her boss, demonstrating by word and deed on a daily basis that she loves and respects you and doing whatever else you require for her to prove her worth.

3. Tell her that it is her choice whether to do these things or not but, if she chooses not to, you plan to hire an attorney and file for divorce.

4. Stay calm and collected and don't argue with her. If she questions or challenges anything you say, calmly reply that she now knows what you expect of her and it is up to her to decide what she wants to do. Repeat your message as many times as necessary until she realizes that you mean what you say.

5. Give her a very short period of time to consider this. For example, tell her that you plan to speak to an attorney the next day so, if she wants to save her marriage, she has but a few hours to accept your offer.

6. If she refuses, immediately speak to an attorney and commence divorce proceedings.

7. If she agrees, continue to monitor her closely to make sure she does not go underground. Don't tolerate her complaining or pouting for more than a couple of days. If you get any indication that she is not serious about following through with her promise, start divorce proceedings.

8. For the foreseeable future, be cordial toward your W but nothing more. Don't initiate conversations, compliment her, argue with her or do anything else that would lead her to believe that she is anything special to you. Act at all times like a man who knows what he wants and knows that he can get what he wants, if not from her, then somewhere else.

9. Begin to take steps to improve yourself (exercise, work, activities). Make this -- along with your kids -- the focus of your life for now.

10. Start to educate yourself on what it takes to be a man in the 21st century. A good place to start is to read "The Married Man Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay.

If you take these steps, I can't guarantee that you will end up in a happy marriage with your current W but I can promise that, eventually, you will give yourself the greatest chance of finding true happiness. The key point is that you can't control your W but you can control you. Hence, you should be doing the things that will eventually make you happy, whether your W wants to be with you or not.

I'm not saying any of this will be easy; it may be the hardest thing you will ever have to do. But unless you do it, your life will likely only get worse.

Wishing the best for you. _


----------



## Titannia (Jan 25, 2013)

I am tempted to try some sort of keystroke logger but I am so scared he will find out. Will the software show up on the computer??? I want to see his phone record but have NO access to the online account and he gets e-statements, maybe I can get the password that way... Another blow to me, I needed to get a new cell phone carrier a couple months ago and wanted to join our accounts (discount,etc) but he kept putting it off so finally I had to just get my own again. I must seem like a fool to put up with this, I'm not perfect but I value our relationship so much and it hurts that so many other things take precedence over it to him. Before the baby I would have been more defensive, courageous even, but now I'm just scared.


----------



## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Being scared is normal. But get MAD!

Your husband is cheating on you, fVcking other women! He's putting you at risk for STD's. 

He's neglecting his child and wife.

All of the things you've listed about his behavior are straight from the "cheater's script".

He's obviously on to your prying and snooping, so he's covering his tracks. Your best bet is to get a VAR or two and put one in his car, under the front seat. Put the other where he tends to go smoke. 

Personally, I think you have enough evidence to confront him. Ask him to show you his phone. If he refuses, file for divorce. Better yet, go file for divorce, then ask to see his phone. If he refuses, give him the papers and ask him to leave your marital home. He's already abandoned your marriage anyways.

Be strong and draw a hard line. He will not change until you give him hard consequences. Odds are, though, that he's not going to change.

Sorry. You bought a lemon.


----------



## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

Try Desktopshark keylogger. I've been using it for a month, hasn't been detected, and it's not super expensive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I suppose you can try the keylogger and gathering more evidence. But it's kind of like trying to find out if someone who is unemployed is a car thief by gathering evidence. All the while you see him driving a new and different car each day. What's the point?

You say:* "... He has always been a bit difficult, but he always made it worth it for me, until a few months ago. ..."*
Worth it? How? Are you a junkie? Does he bring home drugs? You can't possibly be talking about being loving. 

Are you in his country or is he in yours? You both come from different cultures right? 

Titania, the longer you stay married to this freak the worse it's going to get. Are you a citizen? You have rights - use them. Don't be afraid. It's no way to live.


----------



## Titannia (Jan 25, 2013)

Are you in his country or is he in yours? You both come from different cultures right? 

Titania, the longer you stay married to this freak the worse it's going to get. Are you a citizen? You have rights - use them. Don't be afraid. It's no way to live.[/QUOTE]


We are in my country. 
Its hard to explain how it was worth it, I mean, he was always demanding, but he included me in everything and always wanted me around. Now it doesn't seem that way. I have tried everything, I even offered to get a part time night job so he wouldn't have to do the 2 overnights and he just got mad at me and said he does it cause he makes more money.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Interested Outsider: "So, Titania's hubby, do you always lend your credit card to someone who you know is dishonest and a cheat?"

Titania's Hubby: "Duh..... Oh. _(Damn. I am so busted...)_"


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Titiana
Are you SURE he works two overnight shifts? Doesn't seem possible that he does this and still has time to go out with his friends. 

Have you SEEN a huge increase in his paycheck? Or are you even allowed to see it?

I'm guessing he is from a different culture. Sometimes people from other cultures just EXPECT to have a 'singles' life along with marriage. It sounds like you're in one, even if his culture isn't like that. But if it is, you're in for a lengthy troubled life if you don't do something about it now. 

What do your relatives think? Are they aware? Go to them for help if you need to.


----------



## not.a.fool (Jan 27, 2013)

I have been in a few relationships and I can't tell you the truth, only he can, but what I can tell you is that every single man that I have had questions of their faithfulness, they have all lied, tried to prove themselves in the right, made up stories(believable ones at that) and with time, it all came out in the wash, yes they were a cheater, yes they lied, yes they still love you (without a doubt, that's a lie) and as painfully hard as it is to absorb the truth, it is best to realize that they are unfaithful and no matter the hope of forgiveness, it's never forgotten. I would NOT believe any man that said he let his "friend" use his phone, not for one second. That is a 2nd grader move and obviously he's not adult enough to be in a relationship.


----------



## MsMittens (Jan 25, 2013)

The writings are on the wall hun. Yes, he is cheating. Dont let it go any further without attacking the issue head on. Call the OW that he has been texting day and night. Let her know she is disrespecting you and what she is doing is very inappropriate. Then expose him for the liar that he is. There is no reason for a married man to text another worman like that. I am a victim of being cheated on. I saw no signs that my husband was cheating. It literally blew up in my face all at once. Take heed to the signs...they are real. Best of luck!


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

So let him go back to where he came from.
What kind of threat is that?
The way he's acting, he'd be doing you a favor.
You wouldn't have to co-parent due to distance.
Just make sure your kid doesn't have a passport, and if he/she does then take it to an attorney for safekeeping.


----------



## not.a.fool (Jan 27, 2013)

that's a great thing to do, yes, but unless you feel you will get a confession and all is forgiven, I believe this to be a complete waste of time and can also be very damaging to the heart and mind while finding out "new" evidence to prove him wrong, we will only continue to accept what we will allow


----------



## Yessongs72 (Dec 6, 2012)

sunshinetoday said:


> ....ACT LIKE YOU TRUST HIM.


This bit is so hard to do.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

It sounds to me like your hubby has 2 lives going on here. One with you and the other with OW, every Saturday night and whichever other 2 night shifts he has also. I would definitely get in touch with OW and let her know the situation. I would bet she knows nothing about you and your child and is being spun the stories that you are.

And you need to start disconnecting from him. Accepting you have lost him. Stop loving him. Only then will you stop being so scared of losing him. Those who care most about the relationship are most easily walked over. Those who care least about the relationship have most control. Who has the control in this relationship?

Read up on manipulative behaviour and gaslighting. He is doing all this to you. His threats are designed to keep you in your place. Nothing more. Whether he means them or not is negligible. He is saying them to get his preferred outcome. You to put up and shut up. If he does mean his threats....he cares nothing for you and.your child. 

The only way out of this is to stop loving him and to not care about losing him. All else will follow. You won't care about kicking him out, you won't care if he catches you snooping, you won't care if you question him and he gets angry. Stop loving him, see him for what he is. He cares nothing for you.

Are you prepared to accept this? Do you want this for your future? Do you want to show your child that this is how relationships are?


----------

