# Long time sexless marriage



## DualvansMommy (Jul 27, 2014)

How do you recover from lack of sex/affection in a marriage? 

I'm finding myself reaching the point where, even if we somehow connect back sexually, I don't think I'd want him in that sense anymore. Does that make sense? I'm just so angry with him for basically withholding on me all those years, that I'm unsure how to get past this issue. 


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## DualvansMommy (Jul 27, 2014)

If we didn't have children, it's probably easier said than done. Also I'm always told by hubby that it's unrealistic to want that much of a sex life after being together for so long. My view isn't quite the same, I'm not even 40 yet so why should I not want sex?? 


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

He would have to "win you" all over again.
Give thought to all those divorcees who remarry - that is because the time apart lets them re-establish themselves as individuals, then they become attractive to each other again. Sure, most don't do it in self-knowledge so tend to repeat the earlier mistakes but that is something you could in self-knowledge avoid. You have to remain someone your partner respects and desires, most of us don't


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

One thing that I found was that the resentment GREW when my wife started to have sex with me again. We would have good sex & later I would think "Why couldn't she have done that for the past 10 years?". 

For me, the more we are having sex, the less the resentment. But initially, it was bad.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

The best way to recover is to not stand for it any more.

If it means leaving if you don't want to accept this in your marriage, then that is what you need to do.

I've been there. Sorry you are here.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Personal said:


> Why stay in a sexless marriage with a husband who finds comfort in belittling you?


I doubt that ("cant expect sex after such a long relationship") was deliberately belittling, if at all - the belittling more from the mind of the receiver.

I think that was more of a off-hand remark designed to close down the communication, with the [fallacious] manner of appealing to general cliche (aka "everyone knows"). It's a technique of externalising the the authority, so the other party can't refute the "fact" without having to overturn/challenge the accepted status quo .... and because the statement maker isn't claiming their own authority or facts in the matter, it is impossible to debate directly. eg if the receiver was to say "I expect more" then they are selfish; if the receiver says "that's an old wives tale" then the receivers credibility in the debate is up against the faceless "everybody knows". Appeal to specific cases can be written off as aberrations or rumor.
The best counters to the argument are to (1) avoid emotional appeal (if they're closing down the communication, an emotive vocalisation will be seen as personal weakness), (2) come up with something that suits the receivers personality.
IMO, that would be realise the other person has pulled a debating trick on you, and counter with a way that entirely removes the debate issue (as it creates "sides", which entrenches the other person). Thus it is better to work out what is causing the barrier, and work to break that down; rather than let the other person arm their "maginot line"


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

DualvansMommy said:


> If we didn't have children, it's probably easier said than done. Also I'm always told by hubby that it's unrealistic to want that much of a sex life after being together for so long. My view isn't quite the same, I'm not even 40 yet so why should I not want sex??
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



WTH is unrealistic? 

I'm 43 and wife is 47 and we do not go longer than 5th day and that is because one of us is either sick or injured. Usually 2-3x week. We have 2 kids 10 & 15.... That's why they make radios and door locks.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

DualvansMommy said:


> If we didn't have children, it's probably easier said than done. Also I'm always told by hubby that it's unrealistic to want that much of a sex life after being together for so long. My view isn't quite the same, I'm not even 40 yet so why should I not want sex??


How often do you have sex with your husband?

What historical reasons has he given you in the past for not wanting sex?


People here may be able to help more if you answer those questions. In the meantime a general consensus with today's leading science on sexuality would generally tend to say that both of you are each perfectly normal and that it is society's messages/misinformation about sex that is actually broken. An example may be that your husband is ashamed of masturbation and this has skewed his understanding of his own sexuality, and that perhaps you are expecting him to make you happy instead of learning to be happy and share that with him. 

If your sexuality is more active than your partner's, then you should share that with them and not necessarily expect anything in return. If done confidently and lovingly enough it should begin to help spark your partners libido along. 

An example of something wrong would be you giving him a BJ to try to get him to enjoy himself, and then get frustrated when perhaps he is not that into it. A better scenario would be to brag about a new glass dildo you just got and ask him if he wants to watch/help you try it for the first time. Tell him not to get too excited because the only thing getting inside you that night is your new glass dildo! 

Then you will have him on his knees begging, and you can make an exception if he takes you out first, and that he needs to keep thinking about what he just got to watch until you get back home, and THEN he will have to watch all over again from a 69 position! 

*Men... we just like to be teased!*

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

DualvansMommy said:


> If we didn't have children, it's probably easier said than done. *Also I'm always told by hubby that it's unrealistic to want that much of a sex life after being together for so long*. an utterly ridiculous, inane statement. and i bet he knows it's not true.
> 
> 
> *My view isn't quite the same, I'm not even 40 yet so why should I not want sex??*  you are a lucky woman to have a healthy sex drive, many (men and women) do not have healthy sex drives. celebrate your sexuality, make no apologies and don't accept inane statements like his.
> ...


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

DualvansMommy said:


> How do you recover from lack of sex/affection in a marriage?
> 
> I'm finding myself reaching the point where, even if we somehow connect back sexually, I don't think I'd want him in that sense anymore. Does that make sense? I'm just so angry with him for basically withholding on me all those years, that I'm unsure how to get past this issue.
> 
> ...


I read some of your previous posts. Your husband has some serious anger issues. I also had a heart attack and it actually made my anger worse. Most heart attack survivors suffer from PTSD. Anger is a frequent by product of that.
Not until my wife almost left me and I reached bottom did I change.

I am 53 and my wife will turn 50 next month. We have sex twice a week and it's the best we have ever had, sloppy, long and animalistic. 

He needs to realize he has a problem and get help. For me, I expected everything to be perfect in my life. I would get home and nit pick just like your husband does. I would try everything in my power to get everything just right and then inevitably something would happen and I would get angry.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

DualvansMommy said:


> How do you recover from lack of sex/affection in a marriage?
> 
> I'm finding myself reaching the point where, even if we somehow connect back sexually, I don't think I'd want him in that sense anymore. Does that make sense? I'm just so angry with him for basically withholding on me all those years, that I'm unsure how to get past this issue.
> 
> ...





DualvansMommy said:


> If we didn't have children, it's probably easier said than done. Also I'm always told by hubby that it's unrealistic to want that much of a sex life after being together for so long. My view isn't quite the same, I'm not even 40 yet so why should I not want sex??
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Assuming your husband is appropriate marriage material, i.e. not violent toward you or your kids, adult enough to learn how to change, and responsible AND you want to remain married to him, then I have a few comments/suggestions.

(1) Understand that your situation is not unique, there are lots of women in similar situations. There is hope for change for the better.

(2) Get a copy of MW Davis book on Women in Sex Starved marriages. She will give you some concrete ideas on things you can do to try to change your situation. Some of them may work, some may not. The point is you need to try to make your life better and that only comes from action. Try to make it better with him and if you can't and he can't then make it better without him.

Good luck.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Sounds like you will have to have him served if you want things to change. Then later, we will see some schmuck come on these boards wailing about how his wife wants to divorce him and he doesn't know why OR he messed up badly and wants to try to fix it. Point being some people won't learn unless their back is against the wall and they are at risk of losing a whole lot. Sad and pathetic, but there are people like that.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Divinely Favored said:


> That's why they make radios and door locks.


So true. I love listening to the game in the bedroom.


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