# Stepmom vs First time Mom



## MrsHaf (Jan 13, 2015)

I have a 4 year old stepdaughter. I love her more than I can explain. She had a very troubled relationship with her biological mom. Drugs were involved along with emotional abuse and neglect. Last year after her biological mom took her to another state and refused to let us see her, we went the legal custody route. April of last year , she was only 3, we were granted sole custody of her with no visitation rights for her mom. She really attached to me quickly and she came home from daycare one day and asked if she could call me "Mommy". My heart melted, I told her she could call me anything she wanted to call me, either my name or Mommy or whatever she was comfortable with. She is a huge daddys girl and needless to say I do have to compete to my quality time in but I still wouldnt trade her for the world. 
I am currently 8 months along with my first child and its a girl as well. From the first ultrasound, to the first kicks i felt and hearing her heartbeat...emotionally I feel overwhelmed. And i expected that. but in my normal idea of my life, I wouldnt have had a stepchild and although i wouldnt trade it , it scares me. I dont want my stepdaughter to ever think that I love her less but Im worried my overwhelming emotions for my unborn daughter is going to come through. What can I do to help make sure that I dont make her feel less important when the baby gets here? What are things that I need to be prepared for? Is it natural for me to have this concern? I just know she has been through so much with her real mom, that i dont wanna take any love or emotion away from her and im scared that naturally it is unavoidable.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Others will be along to give you good advice (I've never been a step-parent) but I would like to make a comment.

The funny thing about love is... the more you feel it, the more you have to spread around . The overwhelming love you will feel for your newborn daughter will spill over to your step-daughter.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> Others will be along to give you good advice (I've never been a step-parent) but I would like to make a comment.
> 
> The funny thing about love is... the more you feel it, the more you have to spread around . The overwhelming love you will feel for your newborn daughter will spill over to your step-daughter.


:iagree:

As a step mom to 3 boys & the bio-mom to a 3.5 year old girl, you will be just fine. You will have plenty of love to spread around. :smthumbup:


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

The fact that you are even worried about this speaks volumes about your character. Op, you will be just fine. You don't have to lessen your love for you Step-daughter to have enough for your daughter. Love multiplies! You will have enough for those two girls and for anymore that may come along in the future!!


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## MrsHaf (Jan 13, 2015)

JustTired said:


> :iagree:
> 
> As a step mom to 3 boys & the bio-mom to a 3.5 year old girl, you will be just fine. You will have plenty of love to spread around. :smthumbup:



That def brings me some relief. Ive just never been in this position and it has really concerned me. As for you being a step mom to 3 boys.....at what age do they begin to rebel against you with the "your not my mom" stage? We are different races. Im white and she and my husband are black. She is only 4 so she hasnt figured out the differences in races thus far. And we dont plan to hide the fact that im not her biological mom although i plan to adopt her. But especially with the race difference , i know at some point she is going to hit that stage. Do you have any advice for that?


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## A_DelVeccio (Jan 13, 2015)

Oh honey! Relax! You will do fine. You will still love them both the same and this won't change.

One thing my sister did for her daughter was make her feel important and included. She would always tell her that she was her first baby and loves her so much... she is special. And she would also have her help out and gave her special jobs. This made her feel important. 

I understand she isn't your child but yet... she is! This won't change when you have your baby.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

MrsHaf said:


> That def brings me some relief. Ive just never been in this position and it has really concerned me. As for you being a step mom to 3 boys.....at what age do they begin to rebel against you with the "your not my mom" stage? We are different races. Im white and she and my husband are black. She is only 4 so she hasnt figured out the differences in races thus far. And we dont plan to hide the fact that im not her biological mom although i plan to adopt her. But especially with the race difference , i know at some point she is going to hit that stage. Do you have any advice for that?


Funny you ask!!!! I am Puerto Rican & my husband is black. My step sons range in age...the oldest is 21, then 10 years old, & then 8 years old. The 21 year old lives out of state with his mom, so my relationship with him is long distance. The other 2 boys come over quite often (different mom) & I have never had any problems with them telling me "you are not my mom". I came into their lives when they were 4 & 2 respectively, so they have always accepted me as a parent & authorative figure. Also, my step sons' bio-mom & I have a cordial relationship & give each other the proper respect. So at home, bio-mom has made it known to them that I am to be respected.

I, too, am a different race from my step sons & although they _know_ I am not the same race they seriously don't care. They always ask me to speak Spanish to them so they can learn, they eat the Puerto Rican food I cook, & they ask me questions about Puerto Rico all the time. I feed their curiosity all the time. ;-)

I don't think your step daughter will care that you are a different race. Consistent love is all that matters, give her that & you will be golden.:smthumbup:


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

MrsHaf said:


> That def brings me some relief. Ive just never been in this position and it has really concerned me. As for you being a step mom to 3 boys.....at what age do they begin to rebel against you with the "your not my mom" stage? We are different races. Im white and she and my husband are black. She is only 4 so she hasnt figured out the differences in races thus far. And we dont plan to hide the fact that im not her biological mom although i plan to adopt her. But especially with the race difference , i know at some point she is going to hit that stage. Do you have any advice for that?


Race only becomes an issue if you make it one. Don't make that part a big deal and just treat her the same as you always have. A lot of moms worry about having a second child and figuring out how to spread the love to another child, but love just grows. The same goes for your situation with a step-daughter and now your own on the way. You'll figure it all out eventually. Try not to worry about it.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

It would be unavoidable even if she was your real daughter.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

DoF said:


> It would be unavoidable even if she was your real daughter.


For real, people have had the nerve to ask me if my bi-racial daughter is biologically mine.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I don't think the race thing should be an issue much if at all. I am biracial, half black/white as is my spouse. We both have white moms and black fathers. I think especially when your baby is born most people will assume that both children are yours. Having been with you since 3 you will be more of a mother to her than someone who becomes a step-mom later in the child's life so will likely always be an authority figure/mom to her. Also, the race difference likely won't be an issue as it will be her normal and all she knows. As a child, it never mattered to me whatsoever that my mom looked different from my sister and I. I can't say it's ever been an issue for me as an adult either. Love is colourblind.

As for feeling differently/treating her differently once your own biological child is born, that may or may not be the case. 

I don't have stepchildren but I can say that emotionally, I did feel differently at first about my newborn and first born. I'm neither proud nor ashamed of that. 

I think hormones after birth can do a variety of things. This may not be what is the most comforting thing to hear but it's an honest account of my experience.

When my youngest was born, it did feel somewhat like my oldest was demoted a bit. For eight years he was my one and only baby, my little shining star and now I had a new bundle that I felt head over heels infatuated with and also very protective over. Ironically, when I was pregnant I worried that I would not love my youngest as much as I did my first born but once he was born I worried that I loved my second child MORE than my first. It was overwhelming and scary and something NOBODY talked about. That nobody talked about it made me feel even worse about myself or like something was wrong with me. 

I didn't want to feel like the youngest was more important but I admit that I did for a while. It's not pretty to feel nor to write. I'm sure experiences may vary.

Looking back now, really I blame the surge of hormones like oxytocin and also that their ages were so different. Youngest did need me more. Still that didn't make me feel any less guilty. In this case guilt was a productive emotion because it did help me to make a conscious effort to spend more quality time/give more attention to my oldest even when I admittedly didn't necessarily _feel _like it.

The good news is my hormones did calm down and made my feelings match my actions. My kids are now 10 and 2 and now I can honestly say that I really do love them and prioritize them the same in my heart and my actions. 

I don't write this to scare you but to hopefully prepare you in case it does happen. I'm sure it doesn't happen this way for everyone but IT DOES sometimes happen and I think it's normal and when I was going through it, really wish someone else had talked about it because when I was going through it felt very alone and ashamed of it so am doing it now.

In the end though, your heart really does have room for two but it might not be as immediate or noticeable to you as was the case with me. I think so long as you do your best to spread the love around and treat them equally is what matters.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

You sound like a nice lady and I think this will all work out. Just be cognizant your stepdaughter is still a little insecure and worried so make sure you pay attention to her, and have some outings separate from the new baby.


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