# Some 'new start' this turned out to be....



## Kearson (Jan 18, 2012)

I'm feeling lost right now and looking for a little moral support 

XH and I have been divorced for almost 5 months, and we still live together with our 4 year old son in his father's home (XFIL lives here too). Recently, XH got his 3rd DUI and is now on house arrest until the end of July. I divorced him because I knew this would happen. I knew he'd get another DUI, and thankfully he just got pulled over instead of killing someone. 

The thing is, I know he won't stop. Once the restrictions are lifted, I know he'll go back to drinking and driving and being out all night and I just can't take it anymore. As it is, no one can come visit us at the house because of the restrictions of his confinement. It's ridiculous. I am beyond done with being punished for his BS.

The only problem is, I have nowhere to go. My family lives 90 miles away in a god-forsaken town that I don't ever want to go back to, and I don't really know anyone local despite having lived here for almost 6 years. I work part-time for a little over minimum wage, but it's nowhere near enough to support a household. 

I'm graduating with my paralegal degree in the Spring of 2014, but I won't have the job experience to get a decent paying job. My son is currently in private school because he is so advanced that regular school would be a punishment for him, and I am still trying to recover financially from the divorce since I incurred tons of debt from trying to survive, and XH had his daddy pay off all of his debt.

It's a mess...an absolute mess... I just want out. I'm tired of having to lock myself in my room at night because I'm afraid XH's drunk butt will come barging in my room. I'm tired of having to clean up after him even though we are no longer married. I'm tired of his drunkenness, his attitude...everything. XFIL has been really helpful all along with my son and with my working and going to school, but he has issues with alcohol too, and he refuses to acknowledge that his son is a piece of hopeless crap (he pretty much subsidizes XH's stupidity by repeatedly loaning him money to clean up court costs and gambling debts - we're talking close to 30K in the last 6 years).

I want out, and I don't know what to do. Social services wait lists are years long around here, and employment-wise, I don't know if I'll ever be able to earn enough to support a household on my own.

I'm just feeling very trapped and angry right now. I work so hard to provide for my son and be a good mom, and I feel like the universe keeps kicking me in the face, while XH acts like a total piece of trash and gets all of 'the breaks'


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Why are you in school for a job that won't pay enough to support you?


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## Kearson (Jan 18, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Why are you in school for a job that won't pay enough to support you?


It will once I have more time under my belt. Most of the well paying jobs in this field want 2+ years experience, and the really good ones want 5+ years. It will take time, but the opportunity is there.

Cost of living here is pretty high. If I were making this much living where my parents live, I'd be just fine, but that isn't the case.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Can you move somewhere cheaper after you finish school?


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## Kearson (Jan 18, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Can you move somewhere cheaper after you finish school?


It's a catch 22... moving somewhere cheaper means making less money... and XH and I have joint custody of our son, so it's not like I can up and move somewhere super cheap since that would mean moving fairly far away... cheap is hard to find in CA unless you want to compromise safety.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Perhaps you could look for full time work and a roommate such as a mature college student? Since you are in school right now perhaps seeking help from the guidance department - I know most colleges (of all types) have a place to post to seek roommates. You could apply for food stamps since you have the child. Father/FIL can pay private school tuition. Or if he has to go to private school, apply to have him tested and advance a grade if necessary. 

Living like that can't be healthy for your son, either. You CAN move away from there. You can defend it by saying it's dangerous, that he continues to drive drunk and you are concerned for your son's safety. 

Something's gotta give. Location, private school, etc.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why are you living with your ex husband who has such crappy behavior? Does not compute. 

You should be providing a stable and healthy environment for your child, not one where you have to lock yourself up in a room because ex husband/daddy comes home drunk again. It's neglectful. 

Move. Where there is a will, there is a way. If you cannot afford private school for your son (and it doesn't sound like you can), put him in "regular" school. 

Can you move back in with your parents for a time until you get everything sorted out? Or would you prefer to stay in a room in the house of your ex husband's father... the ex husband who who keeps coming home inebriated? 

Put your resume out there and start looking for a better paying, full time job.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Living like that can't be healthy for your son, either. You CAN move away from there. You can defend it by saying it's dangerous, that he continues to drive drunk and you are concerned for your son's safety.


:iagree: It sounds like excuses. Or rather, she isn't bothered by it as someone else would be. Personally I wouldn't tolerate that situation.

Where there is a will.......


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Then again, giving the benefit of the doubt, I stayed in an abusive situation longer than I should have due to tons of fear. I liked my lifestyle, just not the ex and I hated giving everything up. But then once I was gone - the peacefulness was delightfully overwhelming and I realized you can't put a price on that. Screw the 2800sft house w/ garage. I was happiest when I was OUT.


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## Kearson (Jan 18, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Why are you living with your ex husband who has such crappy behavior? Does not compute.
> 
> *You should be providing a stable and healthy environment for your child*, not one where you have to lock yourself up in a room because ex husband/daddy comes home drunk again. It's neglectful.
> 
> ...


Responses like yours are seriously like fingernails on a chalkboard to people who are down and just looking for some encouragement. How's the air up there on your high horse?

To the bolded, how do you propose I do that, exactly? Put my resume out there for a better job? Yeah, done that, for years now. YEARS. I have two degrees, management experience, etc, but before I got lucky enough to get the job I have now, even Wal-mart wouldn't hire me. I apply to jobs every week and never get called. I don't have the experience yet in my field, and no one is going to hire me without it, and that takes time. I'm working on it.

And no, I cannot live with my parents because even though my ex is a douche, my parents are even more dysfunctional. Their home and lives are complete chaos.

Not to mention there are no jobs where they live, and it's an awful place that I would NEVER choose to raise my son in...which would all go along with that "Healthy, stable environment" thing you are talking about above. 

As for school, my son is 4 and isn't eligible for public school right now. Daycare would be more expensive than school at this point (and yes, I have looked into it). I have applied to every social agency I can think of and I'm on waiting lists in several areas, but they are all YEARS long because I am not an 'immediate' case, and once I start working full time, I'd no longer qualify because I'd make too much even though I wouldn't be making enough to survive.

I also don't think it would be very healthy OR stable to rip him from his life and home when I have a part-time temp job and nowhere for us to live. I don't even have a car. I drive my XFIL's car. So should I just pack up a couple of backpacks, grab my kid, and hit the road? Would that be better for him? Really?

I'm sure there are plenty of people that come on here and whine about their lives without looking into all of their options honestly and earnestly. I'm not one of them.

I'm sure there are plenty of people that come in here and whine about how crappy their lives are, but have no intention of changing anything because they like to whine. I'm not one of THEM either.

My first sentence of my OP was: "I'm feeling lost right now and looking for a little moral support". If your post was your idea of moral support, then God help anyone you interact with that needs understanding and kindness.

I have every intention of getting out of here, and I am taking the steps to make it happen without completely obliterating my son's well-being. It's never an easy road. It's wrought with hard choices, and sometimes, none of the choices are necessarily 'good'... but sometimes you have to look at the big picture of where you want to go and how you can get there. I wouldn't wish this kind of situation on anyone.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Kearson - I understand you are looking for some support and maybe some of the other comments were a little harsh. But a lot of people on these support forums are looking for an answer or solution to a specific problem. Right now, your solution is to leave and find a new living situation. That may be impossible or not, I don't know, but that's the only solution we can give you.

Other than that, we can't really give you any advice on how to make living with an alcoholic XH and XFIL any easier. It's not easy. It sucks. I hope you figure a way out for the sake of your son.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

There are times OP that things just seem so hard no matter how many different ways you try to look at it.

You situation is extremely difficult but please have faith that it will improve, sure it is going to take a huge amount of work from you but you will get there.

You have a longer term plan for better employment and that is a good thing. The present is not forever, your future and that of your child is important so if you can keep on going with the study then do so.

As for your immediate problem, living arrangements and finances, does it help to break them down into smaller pieces?
Money - how about doing some small cash jobs like baby sitting or ironing? If you do some baby sitting take your study with you and use the time twofold. It would also give you some space from the place you live in.
Are there live in house keeping jobs available or even part time live in?

As for living with your ex and exfil, it is what it is for now. As long as you and your son are safe there then it may just have to be the short term answer. To achieve this and come out the other end you will need to be brave and strong. Look at it as a means to an end, each day there is a day closer to leaving and moving on with your life.

Take a few deep breaths and try and unscramble the big mess in your head. Break it into smaller pieces and work on each piece at a time until the whole picture falls back into place.

I wish you all the best, just keep taking steps forward.


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## me2pointoh (Jan 31, 2012)

Kearson, I hope things start to look up for you. I can understand some of your frustration because, like you, I am in a situation that I have to pull myself out of financially and it's not easy, especially with the job market the way it is. 

One quote I like to remember that really hits home for me is this: whether you think you can or can't, you're right.
You HAVE to be optimistic or you will season everything you do with bitterness and that will not help. I don't know what you've done to get a job but simply sending out resumes in this day and age is pointless. You really have to place yourself in front of the crowd. There are tons of great books in the library about how to get ahead in the job search, in fact as I write this one is in front of me called The Job Search Solution by Tony Beshara. Maybe you've already done all that, but I am going to guess that you normally apply to posted jobs like everyone else? I apologize if I am mistaken. With your education and skills, and whatever it is about you that makes you unique, you should be able to market yourself, but you've got to own that and market yourself with enthusiasm and yes, a good attitude.

I am in Central Cali and a room here is around $500. If I had one four year old boy and was in your shoes, I'd be looking for a room to rent for the two of you. Fortunately he has time to enjoy being a kid and still be creative and utilize his mind in a way that suits him before he is required to go to school. With so many people looking for work, is it possible to get a sitter for cheaper than daycare?

You didn't mention child support? Would that factor in? And I don't know anything about this stuff, but why would a drunk with DUIs have joint custody of a child?

I know it's hard, but it will get better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Excellent points.

Don't be embarrassed by lifestyle taking a dive if that's part of the issue. So what if you end up with a room for now. Less cleaning, etc. means more time with your son and more time for studies. Study at the laundromat since you wouldn't have washer/dryer. It's a great lesson in resiliency for your son. I don't think your ex should have any custody and only supervised visitation with this documented drinking problem.

My 14 y/o daughter has a good friend who has an alcoholic father. The mother is staying and trying to make things look 'normal'. It's tearing this kid up. He spends all of his time in his room when at home to avoid his Dad. He hates hearing the arguing. He talks about running away. Staying another year can do serious harm to your son. He's better off in public school with a healthy home life, even if it's in one room. 

THIS IS TEMPORARY. Decisions now pave the way to a very different life 5 years from now.


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## Kearson (Jan 18, 2012)

One thing that most people don't realize, is that his drinking does not preclude him from parenting. Yes he has three DUI's, but he has no documented history of violence, so the court will still let him be involved. The court is HUGE on a child having both parents involved...there are even men in prison with joint custody of children.

So far, we have managed to keep our drama away from our son. XH and I do not fight in front of our son, we don't have shouting matches, and we tend to either play nice or avoid each other, which isn't too difficult when XH is hardly here and usually doing his own thing.

Our son is an extremely happy, loving, healthy, highly intelligent child. I know that we will eventually get to a point where he figures out there is something not quite right with the set up in this house between Mommy and Daddy, but I hope to be out of here before it becomes an issue.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Kearson said:


> Our son is an extremely happy, loving, healthy, highly intelligent child
> 
> I know that we will eventually get to a point where he figures out there is something not quite right with the set up in this house between Mommy and Daddy, but I hope to be out of here before it becomes an issue.


Wait, so your son doesn't even know you're divorced?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Kearson said:


> My first sentence of my OP was: "I'm feeling lost right now and looking for a little moral support". If your post was your idea of moral support, then God help anyone you interact with that needs understanding and kindness.


Posted the last comment before I read your comments above. My intention was not to offend and I wish you luck in the future. 
Don't give up on looking for a new job and realize sometimes you need to go through the bad to get to the good.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Wouldn't it be even MORE of a shocker for your son to go from what appears to him to be a happy home to a split one? One minute everything seems fine and the next he's split between two households? How old is he? Since he is school age and very bright you may underestimate just how much he suspects. Does he know his Dad gets drunk/does he see him drunk? Did he know about the DUI/arrest?

I get that both parents should be involved barring sexual abuse. And I agree a sober, yet alcoholic man can be a great Dad. But three DUIs would me VERY concerned as a parent to share custody. I would be thinking "What if he gets drunk and drives with our son in the car?" Hence my thinking supervised visitation might be best. 

In NC, supervised can mean with another family member present, like a grandparent. It doesn't have to be COURT supervised, in some small room for an hour - that is reserved for physically abusive parents. But alas, CA sounds different.


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## Kearson (Jan 18, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Wait, so your son doesn't even know you're divorced?


He's 4, he doesn't even know what marriage is, so no, he doesn't know we are divorced. XH and I have been staying in different rooms for over a year now, and he doesn't think anything of it. I have a room, XH has a room, XFIL has a room, and my son has a room. It's normal to him.



EnjoliWoman said:


> Wouldn't it be even MORE of a shocker for your son to go from what appears to him to be a happy home to a split one? One minute everything seems fine and the next he's split between two households?


XH and I are civil to each other, but we aren't pretending like we are still married. I don't know how having two households will effect him, but I know that both myself and his father will be happier when we don't have to deal with each other every day.



EnjoliWoman said:


> How old is he? Since he is school age and very bright you may underestimate just how much he suspects.


He is 4, and I often worry that I underestimate him, but I also don't want to overestimate him and bog him down with stuff he won't understand.



EnjoliWoman said:


> Does he know his Dad gets drunk/does he see him drunk? Did he know about the DUI/arrest?


XH puts his alcohol in a cup since our son can read and would know how to read the words, even if he doesn't know what it is. He has seen XH inebriated on a few occasions, but they usually end up playing trains or something fun. XH only gets ugly after our son is in bed, when he does get ugly. I usually avoid him.



EnjoliWoman said:


> I get that both parents should be involved barring sexual abuse. And I agree a sober, yet alcoholic man can be a great Dad. But three DUIs would me VERY concerned as a parent to share custody. I would be thinking "What if he gets drunk and drives with our son in the car?" Hence my thinking supervised visitation might be best.


Supervised visitation would be best. However, I won't get it. I've looked into it. 



EnjoliWoman said:


> In NC, supervised can mean with another family member present, like a grandparent. It doesn't have to be COURT supervised, in some small room for an hour - that is reserved for physically abusive parents. But alas, CA sounds different.


CA is different, unfortunately


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Ah. Well, I guess it will be pretty easy for him to accept if his parents each have their own rooms is the norm for him. I'm glad he doesn't get nasty drunk in front of him. 

Well, when you finally move to your own place, I'd still be keeping an eye on him when there are weekend/overnight visits. I found that 50/50 didn't work from a time perspective - it may for you. My ex wasn't keeping the same schedule - was off by several hours so the first night with him she would stay up late and be really tired the next day then come home to me and it would be hard to get her to sleep on MY schedule. I had to leave for work but he is self-employed. It was tough on her little body (she was almost 5 when I left) so I went for primary physical custody. A normal schedule during the week was best for her. Plus she was in the private pre-K and K because they could keep her all day where public school was only half days.

You can help right now by either saving every little bit you can scrape up and set it aside in your own account or by stocking up - buying clothes too big and saving for him or otherwise getting extras of things you'll need later - even school supplies. So when you are out and living on that small initial income you can get by.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

This might sound like a solution for college-aged young people, but I mean it seriously: is there another mom in your situation in your paralegal program with whom you can share a place? I live in a college town, and have a few single mom friends who are sharing their places with other students, even though they have kids (and pets, too, in one case). It's tough, but better than living with their abusive exes. The ex still has partial custody, but the women have a stable environment when the kids are with them. Our campus has a student renters office, and one of the services they provide is a roommate matching service for off-campus renters....which brings another option to mind : campus housing for families. Do you have that option where you are? It's like dorms for families. Often quite a lot cheaper than regular market rents, and again, if you were sharing that rent with someone else, you just might be able to make it work. 

As for income, are there any campus jobs that you can apply for? They don't pay a lot, but they are often designed so that you can work an hour here or there between classes, which you obviously can't do with regular off-campus jobs. 

I hope these suggestions don't offend you. I'm just trying to brainstorm things that I know have been tried by other single-mom students that I know. Best of luck to you, in what is an awful situation.


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## Kearson (Jan 18, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> This might sound like a solution for college-aged young people, but I mean it seriously: is there another mom in your situation in your paralegal program with whom you can share a place? ... Our campus has a student renters office, and one of the services they provide is a roommate matching service for off-campus renters....


Most of the people in my program are young people still living at home with their parents, or older folks looking to get a new job in the work force. As far as I know, my school does not have a roommate matching program. I highly doubt it's something they'd want to take responsibility for.



angelpixie said:


> ...which brings another option to mind : campus housing for families. Do you have that option where you are? It's like dorms for families. Often quite a lot cheaper than regular market rents, and again, if you were sharing that rent with someone else, you just might be able to make it work.


I go to a community college, so there is no campus housing.



angelpixie said:


> As for income, are there any campus jobs that you can apply for? They don't pay a lot, but they are often designed so that you can work an hour here or there between classes, which you obviously can't do with regular off-campus jobs.


There are jobs on campus, but they only pay minimum wage, and I make more than that at my current job. My job would let me work full-time if I wanted, but right now I can't do it unless I want my kid in school 12 hours a day. And working full-time still wouldn't give me enough to support a household, so I'd pretty much be missing time with my kid for extra money that won't help much.



angelpixie said:


> I hope these suggestions don't offend you. I'm just trying to brainstorm things that I know have been tried by other single-mom students that I know. Best of luck to you, in what is an awful situation.


I'm not offended at all. I have no problem with people presenting options, since I know I can't think of everything. I only get offended when people say something along the lines of "You should just leave! You're such a bad mom for staying!" and then they refuse to acknowledge that it's not that easy.

In an effort to further my mission to get out of here, I went out and got my own car. Now I don't have to worry about not having transportation if I leave. In August I start the last two classes for my Paralegal degree, and I recently applied for a job making over 4K/month. The job is 90 miles away, but if I get it, my son and I would move, and over 4K/mo in the area the job is located is more than enough to afford a household. It's also in the same area as my immediate family.

Fingers crossed that they hire me.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Wow, that would be awesome! My fingers are crossed for you, too.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

How can you share custody if you move 90 minutes away? Is there anything in your custody agreement that says you have to live in a certain area?


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