# Cleaning more can get you more sex



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

It's 100 percent true, but there is a caveat. It depends upon the current state of your marriage.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I'm laughing so hard at this. Not exactly the same, but I've found in all of my relationships, if I'm mad, my BF would start cleaning the house! And these arguments have zero to do with cleaning or slacking in the housekeeping department.

It's happened with all three of my relationships. It's so odd.

Why do I get the feeling that we won't hear from you for awhile because you're cleaning?


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

hehehehe, I love it.

When I work or have got layed off from a slowing economy, I always did the same amount of chores for our place inside and outside.

You know what........the sex didn't increase. Mrs.CuddleBug loved the fact there isn't much for her to do.

To increase a woman's sex drive, she must feel sexy about herself and body, her love language is probably physical, and her friends are similar.

If a woman doesn't feel sexy about herself and body, her love language isn't physical, and her friends are similar to her, good luck getting sex by doing more chores.


----------



## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

There are also studies that show couples where the guys do very little housework have more sex than couples where the housework is 50-50. Yes, if "lack of help around the house" is the woman's main complaint, then more help might result in more sex. But if the woman's main complaint (almost certainly not admitted to out loud) is that her man isn't alpha enough and doesn't turn her on, doing more housework is the worst choice the guy could make.

As always, HD/LD is a tough problem to solve precisely because there is no single solution that works all or most of the time. You have to know what the problem is before you can know what will resolve it. Knowing the problem means that each partner has to admit the problem to themselves.  And then they have to communicate it to the partner. Many failures occur at these steps, long before implementation of a solution can even begin.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Cleaning more can get you more sex ... It's 100 percent true, but there is a caveat. It depends upon the current state of your marriage.


No wonder my ex didn't clean much. She didn't want more sex, she wanted less!


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Stop the madness!


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

It depends on the current state of your marriage. Also, it depends on your motivation for why you clean more.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> It depends on the current state of your marriage. Also, it depends on your motivation for why you clean more.


And it also depends on your attitude while cleaning, how well you get the job done, and what you're wearing...


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

In a loving marriage, doing more or less chores should be irrelevant to getting sex.

If doing this or that more, chores, buy me dinner more, etc. gets you more sex, that's manipulative and not love.

I know, after my day at work, I'll do all the chores, say 30 minutes each and every day, 7 days week so it never piles up. Will I get sex every day then? No.

I have one for yah. I will listen to her more, cuddle, romance more, do things with her that she likes to do more, only if she gives me sex........,kinda like the do more chores for sex.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> *In a loving marriage, doing more or less chores should be irrelevant to getting sex.*
> 
> If doing this or that more, chores, buy me dinner more, etc. gets you more sex, that's manipulative and not love.


Not true.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Then its not a truly loving marriage then.

More Chores = Sex???

Little to no sex = NO CHORES!!!:smthumbup:

Why don't I just pay for sex then? Guaranteed every time and I don't need to do chores.

Here's another one for yah. When she does more chores = more emotional closeness from her guy.

Guy does more chores = maybe a little more sex from her.....that isn't a loving marriage. That's her not having to do chores.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I don't think most women would really call it a loving marriage if her husband did little to no household chores.

But Cuddlebug you guys don't have kids right? I think that makes a huge difference to women with kids, because kids are 24/7/365. No days off, no sick days, vacations are rare, no promotions, no bonuses, no raises, if you quit you are a horrible human being, and you can only get fired under horrible circumstances.


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

It gets you more sex if your marriage is good, AND your partner places value on having a clean house as a prerequisite to having sex.

Many people do not place value on having a sterile environment as a prerequisite, regardless of the state of your marriage.

It can also result in more sex if your partner has a mercenary, venal, transactional view of sex. But that's weird.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Then its not a truly loving marriage then.
> 
> More Chores = Sex???
> 
> ...


In a loving marriage, would you feel loved if the majority of the work around the house falls to you while your spouse has a lot more free time?


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

lucy999 said:


> I'm laughing so hard at this. Not exactly the same, but I've found in all of my relationships, if I'm mad, my BF would start cleaning the house! And these arguments have zero to do with cleaning or slacking in the housekeeping department.
> 
> It's happened with all three of my relationships. It's so odd.
> 
> Why do I get the feeling that we won't hear from you for awhile because you're cleaning?


Lucy we aren't doing the chores to get out of the doghouse. We just hope that you will be a) shocked to silence, or b) afraid to stop a good thing by interrupting it to tell us off some more.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

In my marriage, I usually do about 20 minutes of chores before and after work every day. On my weekends, I putter in the yard, water plants, recycle, grocery shop, etc. Every week.

Do I get more sex? Nope.

Mrs.CuddleBug loves it though because she doesn't have to do this stuff.

What raises her sex drive, losing the weight, feeling sexy and confident about herself, new hair style, clothes, shoes, got her teeth straightened, getting used to walking around me naked, etc. All this helps more than some chores.

Doing extra chores has never got Mrs.CuddleBug in the mood more but she is appreciative.

If doing more chores got her in the mood more, that isn't love. That is her getting me to do more stuff around the house so she doesn't have to and maybe I'll give him sex 1 - 2x more that month......really?!

If by me doing most of the chores got her in the mood all the time, I would of been over that 15+ years ago.....:smthumbup:


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I don't think most women would really call it a loving marriage if her husband did little to no household chores.
> 
> But Cuddlebug you guys don't have kids right? I think that makes a huge difference to women with kids, because kids are 24/7/365. No days off, no sick days, vacations are rare, no promotions, no bonuses, no raises, if you quit you are a horrible human being, and you can only get fired under horrible circumstances.


I clean as much or more than my wife. I also cook more than she does. I also bathe my youngest (older two look after themselves) pretty frequently, help with homework, take care of the yard, change the brakes on the car, unplug drains....AND I schedule my vacations to coincide with when the children are out of school so my wife can take days off when she likes.

This has zero effect on sex. ZERO.

My wife and I went to a marriage seminar at our church last year, where the guest pastor brought this tired old trope up. His words were "Guys, you know what really gets your wife hot? The sound of a running dishwasher!" My wife whooped with joy at that. I looked at her like she was a stranger, because my wife surely would have remembered that I do at least my share of the housework, and that not ONCE has it made her moist. Nor has it made her more receptive.

Oh, she'll certainly seize on a pair of shoes being left out as a reason NOT to, but give me a break with this already.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> *It gets you more sex if your marriage is good*, AND your partner places value on having a clean house as a prerequisite to having sex.
> 
> *Many people do not place value on having a sterile environment as a prerequisite, regardless of the state of your marriage.*
> 
> It can also result in more sex if your partner has a mercenary, venal, transactional view of sex. But that's weird.


I completely agree with the first part in bold, not so much with the rest of the statement. In a strong marriage helping your spouse is an act of love, and most spouses would interpret it as such.

For the second blooded statement, I think this is a straw man. Many people regardless of sex like to live in a house that is clean and in order. For example, a thorough cleaning the kitchen or bathrooms weekly indicates a need for sterility or sanitary conditions? Plus dishes, counters and tables will need to be cleaned daily if you utilize the kitchen for meal preparation and eating.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Mrs.CuddleBug and I don't have kids yet, true.

If we did have kids and I worked and she stayed home raising them, yes, raising two kids is a full time job!!!

I would still expect her to do 50% of all the chores like I would, helping each other out.

If I came home and hardly any chores were done, I would be quite angry with her.

But as it stands today, we both work, and I still do more than 50% of the chores every day and week. I just do them, take the initiative and its done. Doesn't increase her sex drive though.


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I completely agree with the first part in bold, not so much with the rest of the statement. In a strong marriage helping your spouse is an act of love, and most spouses would interpret it as such.
> 
> For the second blooded statement, I think this is a straw man. Many people regardless of sex like to live in a house that is clean and in order. For example, a thorough cleaning the kitchen or bathrooms weekly indicates a need for sterility or sanitary conditions? Plus dishes, counters and tables will need to be cleaned daily if you utilize the kitchen for meal preparation and eating.


What I'm telling you is that I like a clean house probably more than my wife does. I work to that effect. She's a clutterer. I like to be able to take more than two paces without having to jump or turn sideways. I can't cook in a dirty kitchen. She'll just throw a pizza in the oven.

She doesn't place value on having a clean house. More to the contrary, I really believe she places more value on having a dirty house to use as a convenient excuse to not have sex.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> What I'm telling you is that I like a clean house probably more than my wife does. I work to that effect. She's a clutterer. I like to be able to take more than two paces without having to jump or turn sideways. I can't cook in a dirty kitchen. She'll just throw a pizza in the oven.
> 
> She doesn't place value on having a clean house. More to the contrary, I really believe she places more value on having a dirty house to use as a convenient excuse to not have sex.



LOL....sounds like Mrs.CuddleBug


----------



## Brandy905 (Apr 3, 2014)

Unsolicited BJ's get me more help around the house, although that's not the reason for them.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

We got some chores done around the house in preparation for Easter. We had time to make love this afternoon.

ETA, the point is that not all marriages are a zero sum game. If things are going well, helping out is a positive sum. Game - both are better off.


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I'd agree with that--helping each other out is always important. I just cringe whenever i read about doing more chores being related to getting more sex. It's so dangerous for a sexless spouse (particularly men, because we get this advice mostly) to internalize that when they're already grasping at straws, because it just doesn't work in most cases.


----------



## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

I think it only matters if you take it upon yourself to do them and it is not done as some kind of covert contract. 

If you're doing chores because your wife is nagging you, you are digging the hole deeper.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Wife and I did it twice today, and I helped out around the house. Last time we did it twice in one day was several years ago. OK, there was no quid pro quo that we had in place. But I know that if I would have sat around today and did nothing, I probably don't have any sex today since we did it last night.


----------



## Shake_It_Up (Apr 1, 2015)

Absolute BS in my house. I do most of the cleaning because my wife still thinks she's 12 and hates housework. Maybe that philosophy holds true with a stay home mom or a wife that carries the load(pun intended)


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Maybe if I cleaned a women's prison.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Holdingontoit said:


> There are also studies that show couples where the guys do very little housework have more sex than couples where the housework is 50-50. Yes, if "lack of help around the house" is the woman's main complaint, then more help might result in more sex. But if the woman's main complaint (almost certainly not admitted to out loud) is that her man isn't alpha enough and doesn't turn her on, doing more housework is the worst choice the guy could make.
> 
> As always, HD/LD is a tough problem to solve precisely because there is no single solution that works all or most of the time. You have to know what the problem is before you can know what will resolve it. Knowing the problem means that each partner has to admit the problem to themselves. And then they have to communicate it to the partner. Many failures occur at these steps, long before implementation of a solution can even begin.


"That study was based on data collected in 1987 and 1992, and may have been true about a generation ago. (Another study, using the same data, found that the more total paid work and housework couples did, the more sex they had, a “work hard, play hard” theory.”)

But it turns out, using more recent data from 2006, couples who split the housework fairly are the happiest between the sheets. They have the most sex, are the most satisfied with their sex lives, and express the highest level of sexual intimacy."

Couples who share housework have the most sex and best sex lives - The Washington Post


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

I saved this response to my post a while back where I literally did a study & tracked my work & actual sex. "My wife said she would be more in mood if I helped out, I did a entire year of tracking"
I can't remember who posted it.
"
*I think it pretty much boils down to either she wants you sexually or she doesn't. The whole "do more housework", "women think men who vacuum are sexy" in a lot of cases is nothing more than an attempt to set the bar to a point they think there is no way you can meet it, thus keeping the excuse alive and well.*
"


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Personal said:


> In my experience I've found no correlation between doing chores and getting sex, I still get sex at the same plentiful frequency even when I don't do chores.
> 
> *Sex for the both of us is never offered as a reward for doing other things*.



When this topic is talked about it is often presented as though sex is a reward for chores; or that chores are used to get sex.

But that's not what it's about.

What is not cool and puts a huge damper on a relationship is when one spouse is over burdened while the other has a lot of free time.

For example if both spouses work and only one does chores at home while the other sits and watches TV, plays on the computer or does other recreational activities.... this can lead to the one doing all the chores and childcare to being very upset at the other. One spouse is exhausted from working every waking hour. The our spouse is rested and now wants sex. Guess what's going to happen? The exhausted spouse is not going to want sex. Plus they just might be upset enough that it makes the possibility of sex even lower.

It's not about trading chores for sex. It's about being partners and each spouse taking responsibility for the work that needs to be done so that they then have time to play together.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

My wife loves it when I talk really dirty to her! Nothing makes her cloths fly off like when I tell her how I am about to clean up something really dirty and hard to clean... "I'm going to haul off the pile of junk n our garage and vacuum out the car!" Next thing I know, she jumps on top of me!


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> "That study was based on data collected in 1987 and 1992, and may have been true about a generation ago. (Another study, using the same data, found that the more total paid work and housework couples did, the more sex they had, a *“work hard, play hard”* theory.”)
> 
> But it turns out, using more recent data from 2006, couples who split the housework fairly are the happiest between the sheets. They have the most sex, are the most satisfied with their sex lives, and express the highest level of sexual intimacy."
> 
> Couples who share housework have the most sex and best sex lives - The Washington Post


Describes us to a tee. Hence why there is a caveat to where cleaning can get you more intimacy with your spouse. If understood correctly and one with the proper goals in mind, it works great. The understanding is that you view your marriage as if it is a team where both members need to do what they need to do to make the team strong. Then the understanding is that you pitch in and do your part because you don't want to see your partner burdened by too much. It's a combination of love for your partner and a sense of fairness too - where fairness is a proxy for respect. Bottom line is the quicker the jobs are done the more time there is for both to play - together. Those are my thoughts.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Fozzy,

M2 rarely does this kind of stuff because:
- She's inherently honest
- Being overtly dishonest produces a swift and sure punishment 




Fozzy said:


> I clean as much or more than my wife. I also cook more than she does. I also bathe my youngest (older two look after themselves) pretty frequently, help with homework, take care of the yard, change the brakes on the car, unplug drains....AND I schedule my vacations to coincide with when the children are out of school so my wife can take days off when she likes.
> 
> This has zero effect on sex. ZERO.
> 
> ...


----------



## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Being overtly dishonest produces a swift and sure punishment


Mind sharing what kind of punishment?


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Personal said:


> My wife and I share chores she does the dishes one day I do them the next and so on for other things. When she is away for work or injured etc, I do all the chores except those we expect the kids to do while she likewise does the same when I am away etc.
> 
> On numerous occasions my wife and I are sometimes away for days to a week at time so the other has to step up, yet that has never proven difficult for either of us. For years we have lived far from most of our friends and all of our family so we're pretty used to being self sufficient without any help. The only time I can think when it was difficult, was whenever I was away for months at a time when I was in the Army.
> 
> ...


IMHO, based on what you described and given your current marital situation, my OP fits you to a tee. Specifically, you appear to be a couple that subscribes to the work hard/play hard mode of operation.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I wish it was just transactional. I could understand that. I could make that work. But, I know that is neither loving nor right. On the other hand I woke up early Saturday, She was awake (odd work schedule) So I said instead of hounding the kids to do the kitchen let's just do it now. I even offered to dress for the occasion. Her reply, "no, I'd rather sleep for 2 hours right now". So was I transactional? I don't know.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Quality time is one thing, the other is the fairness, which is very important. Too often still most chores is on woman, even if she works outside home. chores, childcare arrangements, etc. if the other spouse contributes little, it builds huge resentment. You start seeing their spouse like another big child that has to be taken care of - not a big turn on. 

My marriage was in way better shape (sex including) when we were partners, both working professionals. Things have changed after kids, when I stayed home. Now I work full time and take care of kids. How is that not supposed to create resentment?

Fortunately, (or not) I am going trhough HD phase, so at this point sex is not affected. But it was in the past.


----------



## Cedar (Apr 2, 2015)

It is great to share everything in a good marriage ; love ; pain ; passion and intimacy .

But when one of these items becomes a reward for house chores ;marriage becomes very similar to a business deal ; or even prostitution...

Especially when one of the spouses abuse the deal ; there is no legal concerns or even ethical when a spouse is an abuser; otherwise half of Tammer would be either millioners or in Jail ...


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Cedar said:


> It is great to share everything in a good marriage ; love ; pain ; passion and intimacy .
> 
> *But when one of these items becomes a reward for house chores ;marriage becomes very similar to a business deal ; or even prostitution...*
> 
> Especially when one of the spouses abuse the deal ; there is no legal concerns or even ethical when a spouse is an abuser; otherwise half of Tammer would be either millioners or in Jail ...


You and many other men are missing the point completely. It is not sex for chores. Sex comes when both partners feel loved, cherished and being treated fairly and not used by their spouse. If you enjoy watching another show on tv, while she she is cleaning up kitchen and putting kids to bed, don't be surprise she is not in a mood. You are rested and relaxed, she is not. In addition, you turn her into your mother who is supposed to take care of things for you, and - belive me- this is not her dream job. She will start resenting you for making her your maid.

This goes for both genders. I had a female friend who was this way. Not that she was lazy, but she would just let him take care of everything if she could, because why not. The question of fairness did not cross her mind (well, it does now, after the divorce)

We had very long thread about this I think back in Septermber or so....

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/224978-house-chores-sex-guide-men.html


----------



## bbqbeefkake (Apr 7, 2015)

"Cleaning more can get you more sex"

Try wearing cologne, telling her she's beautiful or give her some ice cream dude.

Im gonna try other stuff first. 

Ill go back to this if everything else fails first :smthumbup:


----------



## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

You should both do chores around the house because you both live there. As soon as you start connecting it with sex, you are headed for trouble


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Why is this a one way thing. My Brother has been doing all the cooking and much cleaning, for years. My outside observation says he is in a 75/25 split at best. Yet his libido has never dropped.

???


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I agree with this 100%.

The problem is she doesn't want more sex! But she keeps cleaning!


----------



## speeedbump (Mar 12, 2013)

I have enough data from my experience over the years to know that there is no correlation in my house between how much I clean and how lucky I get.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

It seems like a number of posters missed the point.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> It seems like a number of posters missed the point.


Maybe that's the reason they are not getting "lucky"....


----------



## bbqbeefkake (Apr 7, 2015)

Sometimes, 

And if you are too beta already it can get you less sex. 

I would say it is part of the over all package that you present to your one true love no?


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

peacem said:


> I am a full time housewife, full time carer (to our son) and part time student. I do most of the housework but DH will still occassionally make a meal, wash the dishes and run round with the vac when he sees it needs doing. It sometimes makes me feel guilty as he works hard during the day, but he insists that everybody should have to, on some level, take care of their own mess. It is not healthy for one person to be cleaning up the mess of someone else - because they stop *seeing* it, the mess becomes invisible and they create a lot of work for someone else.
> 
> As for sex - I have never really understood the connection, I read about it here frequently and just don't understand other than if one person is unhappy within their own home then it is likely to have a knock on effect in the bedroom. However, I have never felt the need to reward DH for what he does, nor does it make me feel sexy in anyway shape or form. I just see cleaning as part of our companionship and general compatibility.


Yes and in many cases it is not part of companionship, but part of pushing as much as they can into the partner. This is not direct correlation' where you vacuum or do dishes and get sex for this. This is about fairness to each other. If you feel your partner is not fair to you you start feeling used.


----------



## Cedar (Apr 2, 2015)

WandaJ said:


> *You and many other men are missing the point completely. It is not sex for chores. Sex comes when both partners feel loved, cherished and being treated fairly and not used by their spouse. If you enjoy watching another show on tv, while she she is cleaning up kitchen and putting kids to bed, don't be surprise she is not in a mood. You are rested and relaxed, she is not. In addition, you turn her into your mother who is supposed to take care of things for you, and - belive me- this is not her dream job. She will start resenting you for making her your maid.*
> 
> Wandaj , u seem to be a women of great principles; and I agree with every point you said ; for few years I was not only helping but also it was me who cleaned while she watch tv and while I was staying with my boy and girl telling them stories and put thrm in Bed...
> 
> ...


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*This entire analogy of "cleaning for sex" seemingly is turning sex into something to barter for, much rather than the spontaneous gift that it was greatly intended to be!*


----------



## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Once it becomes about barter, both spouses have already lost.

It is about respect and cooperation. It is about not taking your spouse for granted. It could be cleaning, it could be whatever your spouse normally does most of the time that you could take off their list. To show that you appreciate their effort on your behalf.


----------



## Blankmaier (Apr 8, 2015)

Beware, as this might possibly backfire. My wife and i are/were having our issues, with stress, illness, finances and having 2 young kids. I tried my best when I was feeling OK enough to try and do a lot of the house things, likely as an attempt to make up for my lousy job, so she could focus more on the kids, but in doing that, I neglected her. Don't make the same mistakes I made, find a balance between family, house and kids.


----------

