# Empowerment



## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

I've had a harrowing couple months (read Virtual Affairs...). Reading the TAM Welcome thing for affairs (sorry, idk how to link) helped me see how normal my feelings have been and how typical my cheating husband has been. The trickle truth thing is very hard. Just when you think you understand, you learn more and feel betrayed all over again.

Last week I found another email he sent during the best weekend we've had in 2 months and or a long time. And he's still not owning it. What was killing me most was even though he's in the midst of midlife crazies is I was still trying to see if we could reconcile. I thought, do I hate myself this much to put up with this ridiculous behavior?

But I worked with my therapist to determine what I want. (And what I want is to give this one final go and see if we can mend our relationship to be loving and respectful and perhaps even fun. I have a sliver of hope, but I haven't let go yet.) Taking control of the situation made all the difference. I don't feel like I'm riding a bucking bronco. I'm so tired of feeling trampled on and part of that is simply feeling out of control. I control this. I've given him a grace period, but this behavior will not go on. I've never been treated so poorly in all of my days! But when I read about midlife crisis, it describes him and I feel sorry for him.

I don't have to stay with him. I really don't care if we divorce. I'm going to process all this and educate myself so it's not a knee jerk reaction. Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay helped to define the problem areas for me in the Original Problem, which did not involve other people.

Marriage is long and hard and I've certainly questioned "the institution" lately. But it can be a growing experience too. In the end, my goal is to part logically because of xyz or to stay because of abc. I say, calm down, take your time, lay all your cards on the table and make your best decision. I don't have to live with him forever, but I do have to live with me.

So much pain behind those screens... sending love and energy to you.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

We wish you all the best. Be strong. Keep your eyes open. 

Kick ass! Get what you deserve.

William and Mary


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

if you don't really care if you divorce, and his behavior has made it clear that he isn't committed to actually make an effort at fixing things, why do you want to give it one final go? It seems like a foregone conclusion at this point that he's not going to make the effort that you need to make this worthwhile.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

KrisAmiss said:


> But when I read about midlife crisis, it describes him and I feel sorry for him.
> 
> Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay helped to define the problem areas for me in the Original Problem, which did not involve other people.
> 
> ...


And loosely-read, wound-tight humor from my keyboard.
................................................................................................................

You are very insightful, express well and are worthy of an equal.
................................................................................................................
*Too Good to Leave, to Bad to Stay?*

Make this a Math Equation. Forward weight your own needs onto your specific variables. Yes, the weights are subjective. 
This is not a chemistry problem... actually it is!

Huh? Place his "perceived" good qualities on one side of the Scale, and the bad qualities on the other.
How does this balance out?

Using your words, this tells me that he has good qualities and you do not believe you can get another man with equal qualities.
That you do not have what it takes to attract another man who is better. Hence, you are willing to "settle" for him. Warts and all.
You are likely selling yourself short.

You need to re-balance what is important to you and what is 'less' important to you.

*You do not care if you divorce or stay married?* Wow, pretty weak words from a smart lady. Too weak for a smart lady.
Has he let the air out of your spine? Are you barely standing?

*I do have to live with me.
*

Yes! But change who YOU are. Stop going blindly forward. Stop being down on yourself. Stop resigning yourself to a 2d Tier life.

Can you do better? Dunno, that is *up* to your *down.* That "down" leaving your feet, leaving you in a higher spot, relative to yesterday.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

There IS no such thing as a mid life crisis. That is a made up excuse for people to act stupid and treat the people in their lives like crap because they arent happy. Dont feel sorry for him, he has known exactly what he has been doing and it isnt because of something out of his control.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> There IS no such thing as a mid life crisis. That is a made up excuse for people to act stupid and treat the people in their lives like crap because they arent happy. Dont feel sorry for him, he has known exactly what he has been doing and it isnt because of something out of his control.


qfmft


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> There IS no such thing as a mid life crisis. That is a made up excuse for people to act stupid and treat the people in their lives like crap because they arent happy. Dont feel sorry for him, he has known exactly what he has been doing and it isnt because of something out of his control.


Very much disagree that there is no such thing as MLC......It exists and is very real. I actually felt my body chemistry change when it occurred.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Well whether or not it exists, people will debate forever. Personally I think it's nothin' special, but all that matters is what works for whoever.

I would be the last one to say someone else is doing wrong, with all the bad in my past. But I think my wife and I are hanging in pretty darn good now.

Give him hell. Remember, it's been written a lot of people who claim they say they want to be Dominant are actually submissive. Own him. Snap that whip. Make him toe the line or dump his ass. 

He's stupid and lost. I don't think he's ever gonna lead right, but God knows what the future holds.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Whether or not it exists, is irrelevant. We are still capable of making good decisions and doing the right thing, even if we're going through changes, real or perceived.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It is like anything else. Some people are affected a lot, some a little, some toads nary a hop.

There are esoteric reasons also...cycles not made by Harley Ferguson..


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

You guys crack me up. I'm such an idiot! I can't help being raised in the South. I was brought up on Jesus love, where you forgive the sinner and hate the sin. I'm not quite as Jesusy anymore, but the concept remains.

I appreciate the support. I need to hear that I matter. I do look back and think, why did I put up with that? The signs were fairly obvious, buried in his need to "work."

And ironically, I think I'd fare better than him in divorce. I put my mug out there on a dating site last week and I'm "very pretty." I have friends who support me and love me. My kids will too soon be grown. I imagine people exist out there who would adore me... It's just getting deeper, cutting through all the fluffy fun stuff that is of concern.

I shut down my dating site cuz I'm not ready for that yet. And ta da! I'm going on a week long vacation with my family. It seemed like it'd be inviting a very dark cloud along if I went without the man. So we're going to live in the moment. Be nostalgic in what is probably our last family trip, as my eldest is getting old. Take lots of pictures. And just breathe.

I think Jesus would approve. ;-)


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