# my dilema



## off the crazy train. (Nov 1, 2011)

This is my long, long story: I'm in my 50s and in a long distance marriage, now for almost 2 years. She lived with me for about 2 1/2 years but I let her go to take a job over 1000 miles away. At the time I wasn't ready for a commitment. Four months after she left we got back together and I asked her to marry me. The condition I reluctantly accepted at the time was that I was to move where she is after I sold my house. She wouldn't come back to live with me because of her job and how much better her son did away from his dad. 

Last summer my house was on the market for 6 months and didn't sell with the housing market being what it was. Then the marriage soured about the same time so I didn't renew the contract. I've posted about what happened with the relationship previously - I felt there was a lack of intimacy during my visit there and it all went down hill from that point. She told me not to come out for Thanksgiving or Christmas when I thought we should have worked on the marriage. I then reassessed things and being I like where I live and don't like where she lives so much started thinking about divorce. We barely talked for the past months and if we did it wasn't very pretty. 

So nearly 2 months ago now I filed for divorce but didn't really try to work things out or discuss it with her beforehand. She didn't ask to try to work things out either when I called to let her know the paperwork was coming. A couple weeks ago I was out there and picked up some property I'd been storing in a storage unit. Before I could leave town, I had some items of hers to give to her so I called her. She wanted to know personally why I filed for divorce; I told her I can't live where she lives - not that I stopped loving her (even though the relationship had soured). We ended spending a couple hours together including being intimate - her idea to "end it on a better note". 

After I'd filed for divorce and thinking it was over, I got involved with another woman, also fairly long distance. I liked talking to her as she filled a void my wife wasn't filling when we weren't talking. We met on a weekend, spent some time together and were intimate. But this woman, despite being a very good person, doesn't attract me as near much as my wife did chemistry wise. I've since told the other person it isn't going anywhere and I'm trying to work things out with my wife. 

After I picked up my property and on the way home, I cried much of the way. It didn't get any better when I got home and unloading, I would think about why I packed up all the stuff in the first place. Just over a week later she emailed me about a financial issue and I replied I wasn't sure I wanted to end the marriage. We've been talking daily since trying to rebuild the relationship. I told her about the other woman. She wasn't happy but still is willing to try to fix things. We both apologized for the wrongs we did that drove me to the point where I filed. We've made ground rules about communication and telling each other daily that we love each other, something we got away from before. I've made arrangements to visit in a month for a week. And we're talking about longer term plans again. I've also taken the divorce hearing off the schedule. 

Now we're back to my initial problem when I let her go the first time. I love her and want her in my life. But I love where I live, I have everything I want here - except her. I have one son and a grandchild in the same town, a daughter and 3 grandkids about 12 hours away, a "killer" workshop I like to spend time in doing my hobbies that would be extremely, extremely difficult to replace, a very nice house, most of my extended family 8 hours away - that I can visit at a drop of a hat. I am very, very comfortable here and hoped to spend the rest of my life here. Where she lives I don't care for the weather so much, I have no friends or family. I don't care for the area (too much population and crime for starters), a higher cost of living and I don't care for the politics of the state. But she has a very good job with a great future and my stepson does so much better away from his real dad. Here, if she could find a job, it would pay significantly less with fewer benefits. My stepson would have to see his dad and that would be a huge negative. Maybe when he graduates (about 5 years), she may consider coming back to where I live. But then she also talks about maybe wanting to be within 100 miles of her older son when he gets settled where ever that might be. 

My dilema is what to do with all this? How does someone balance all this or is it even worth it to try? Any ideas?? Anything and everything for options or opinions would appreciated!!


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## profos (Apr 19, 2012)

Find someone else.

Someone LOCAL.


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## outofanswers (Apr 28, 2012)

I agree. What do you find in the distance that comforts you? Is it more romantic? It doesn't matter who you love, if you don't live with them, it's going to be hard to love them. You will start to forget the little things that make them important. 

It would seem easier if you can find people closer. Afterall, that just makes dialogue easier.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I recall your orginal posts on this. You are talking a lot right now about not wanting to live were she lives. 

But what I recall is that when you visited her she basically ignored and mistreated you. How is this hardly even mentioned now? To me this is the major issue. If she truely made you happy and met your needs, you would not think twice about moving to be with her. You would want your heart and soul filled by her... things like houses and work shops would not be all that important.

I agree ... find someone LOCAL who is not moving across the country.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Just as she said it, end it in a good note.

Long distance relationships are doomed to fail. Instead of hurting each other seperate while the marriage is still fresh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## off the crazy train. (Nov 1, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I recall your orginal posts on this. You are talking a lot right now about not wanting to live were she lives.
> 
> But what I recall is that when you visited her she basically ignored and mistreated you. How is this hardly even mentioned now? To me this is the major issue. If she truely made you happy and met your needs, you would not think twice about moving to be with her. You would want your heart and soul filled by her... things like houses and work shops would not be all that important.QUOTE]
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that you are more tied to your home and workshop than to her. 

A relationship with someone you love should not be this hard. From what you have said, there is something seriously wrong with the relationship. You gut tells you that. Your clinging to where you live is a symptom.

She seems to see this to be about her and you having to follow her. I see no compromise or concern for you and your needs/feelings in what she does.


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