# After 24 years... devastation



## NotEvenAFacetoFaceGoodbye (Aug 24, 2011)

the end... via telephone, one call - no more, not even a face to face explanation. As if that was not bad enough I learn that she hasn't been 'in love' with me for years. 

What do you call such an arrangement? Should I be angry? Hurt? Feel led on/used? Is it my own fault for not knowing / seeing the signs?

Other than "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and "I care about you/you'll always have a special place in my heart", who told me the other still shocking to me details that I'm aware of? Her sister, who knew for years & had told her "you have to tell him." She never did, till now (her 'love' waned sometime over these last 8 years, could be one, three, five, who knows.) 

Her sister said that 'her' sister & I should have broken up years ago, but that her sister felt 'sorry' for me. What's worse: being told you were being used/lied to years before or waiting till now because someone 'didn't want to hurt' you, says her sister? If it wasn't so unbelievable to me- but it is; someone else told me they (woman) had done the same thing to another person.

Her sister also told me 'her' sister had hoped I would leave on my own long ago and even had tried to help it happen by way trying to make me angry (recall no 'hints' ... perhaps I'm blind.) 

All this said, what I can't fathom is how even a couple months ago she was still using (as I had with her) a 'cute' name she'd given me of endearment, was looking forward to my visit (we'd been in long distance relationship for the past 8 years, having lived together for 16 before), still enjoyed me as a man for her needs, we did things together (though I wasn't as adventuresome as her) - yet she was just feeling sorry for me and then 'something changed' (unknown).

I think she can't look me in the eyes and tell me she doesn't love me anymore... she wants the relationship to end & might change her mind against her better judgement if she sees me in person.

Her sister who talks to 'her' sister often and whom I trust (tho understand family is thicker than water) told me 'what has she (her sister) done for you? She never came to visit you, it was always you going to visit her. I felt it my responsibility, limited as it had become due to job but her sister said something that made sense: she was just as capable of going to see you and didn't... come to think of it, she's right. I never saw it that way until now.

Long story short - unknown, but even considering the aspects possibility growing apart, interests, long distance put aside for the moment, HOW do you do THIS to someone - not be able to talk to them face to face or return phone calls, answer letters, and leave it to your sister to tell me the facts any I know? Aft 24 years including 3/4 of that when you lived together? Apparently too, her sister says my former love is very happy and enjoying going out with her freinds (girlfreinds), and never cheated on me to her knowledge. My former love told me she no longer wanted to be in a relationship with me, didn't want to date me (start over), etc. when I asked to see her.

Her sister says there is no one else (another man), I tend to believe that. In fact, the few times her sister came to town to see me the last couple years, it was for her 'needs', moreso.

My best guess is she feels 'guilty' for what she did - our one phone conversation she said "I feel like such an a*s". Still, I don't get how almost a quarter century can go POOF in this fashion, her method. I loved the girl. Never thot she was capable of something like this. I should also add I've been trying to 'hold on'/save the relationship whereas she says 'I've moved on' (my former girl also asked her sister,'why can't he let go'?) Again, tells me she doesn't feel she can do so herself (at least mentally) until I agree to. Very strange all of this to me. 

Ladies, any comments appreciated.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Sounds like a woman who showed one side to you and another side to others.

I believe we call that two-faced.

I know it's hard, but let her go - she's no good to you. Feel sorry for the next man - she'll do the same thing.

Petty, cowardly, dishonest and two-faced - that's my 2 cents worth.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

This sounds a lot like the "walk away wife syndrome". You can Google it. Many women let things (such as resentments toward their husband's actions or inactions) fester away inside of them for a long period of time in their marriages. Often they try many things to keep the relationship going, but end up walking away when they get to a breaking point.

Divorce Busting® - Walk-Away Wife Syndrome - Wife Ending Marriage

God Bless.


----------



## NotEvenAFacetoFaceGoodbye (Aug 24, 2011)

The shock hasn't yet worn off, the disbelief the one person who you trusted could & would act so coldly. I've made mistakes like everyone but could never treat someone as cavalierly/disposable bid them adieu telephone let alone after a quarter century; from the penthouse of love to the outhouse of despair.

I've even tried hating her (playing 'mind games' with myself) to deal with my pain of loss, but she got me/my heart hook, line and sinker a long time ago so it's going to be long painful recovery apears, and that is the hard part once the shock subsides. May recover but the damage left makes me question just how much the fates of life rule more so than reason. 

Guess that's the difference between people: some can operate with almost a cool, calculated detachment while others are subject more so the emotional turmoil wrought and its aftermath. I don't drink nor chase other girls or subscribe to any particular faith system so I will let the churning in my stomach have at me/hope the grief isn't here any longer than necessary. 

Can see how some folks would get incredibly hardened/and not in a good way. Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger they say; we'll see. Thanks again for your reply.


----------



## NotEvenAFacetoFaceGoodbye (Aug 24, 2011)

Yes, a lot of truth & good insight the articles Divorce Busting. Alas, when times such as these present, those people who take heed of sage advice in lieu their own tunnel vision preplan exit strategy are not in the majority, my guess. Thanks for the link/appreciate your reply.


----------

