# Another one in need of help...



## Destrozada

51 years old, 25 years married (sort of), 2 adult kids. Trying to keep marriage together...


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## Mr.Married

Trying to keep it together out of fear or out of love ?


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## Destrozada

I deeply love my husband. I know he does too. We had a flaw-method of communication. I went to therapy to help myself deal with emotional issues from childhood and marital too. We have a special bond. We love and care for each other. He has been sick, really sick and he looks for me to help me because he knows I will be there. I got hospitalized at the beginning of this year and he bended back and forward to make sure I was ok. My kids told me that he was very worried and cried. There's a lot of genuine feelings that we have for each other. That I know for sure and because of that we want to continue married. Not many couples have the same... It's worth fighting for.


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## BeyondRepair007

Destrozada said:


> I deeply love my husband. I know he does too. We had a flaw-method of communication. I went to therapy to help myself deal with emotional issues from childhood and marital too. We have a special bond. We love and care for each other. He has been sick, really sick and he looks for me to help me because he knows I will be there. I got hospitalized at the beginning of this year and he bended back and forward to make sure I was ok. My kids told me that he was very worried and cried. There's a lot of genuine feelings that we have for each other. That I know for sure and because of that we want to continue married. Not many couples have the same... It's worth fighting for.


It seems clear that you love each other so why the concern about keeping your (sort of) marriage together? I’m not following what the problem is.


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## BeyondRepair007

BeyondRepair007 said:


> It seems clear that you love each other so why the concern about keeping your (sort of) marriage together? I’m not following what the problem is.


Ah, never mind, I see your other post in the appropriate forum.
Sorry you had to come here but TAM is full of wonderful people who can help.

Best of luck to you!


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## D0nnivain

It sounds like you have a foundation of love, caring & mutual support. Where's the problem? 

You say you have issues from childhood but you are getting therapy. Great! Your husband didn't cause those issues nor can he fix them. So divorcing him won't change things on that score. 

You say you have communications issue. OK. You can learn to be a better communicator. You don't necessarily learn that in MC. Try a business class on clarity & directness.


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## Destrozada

BeyondRepair007 said:


> It seems clear that you love each other so why the concern about keeping your (sort of) marriage together? I’m not following what the problem is.


 We are working on repairing it, it's true. He has said that he will get there. But how long is it normal to be intimate again? How long can a wife wait to feel that her husband desires her and wants to make love to her again? Years? And then realize that it won't be possible?
He comes to my bed and sleeps there until after mid-night when he goes to his own bed. That's when the "sort of" comes into place...


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## Destrozada

D0nnivain said:


> It sounds like you have a foundation of love, caring & mutual support. Where's the problem?
> 
> You say you have issues from childhood but you are getting therapy. Great! Your husband didn't cause those issues nor can he fix them. So divorcing him won't change things on that score.
> 
> You say you have communications issue. OK. You can learn to be a better communicator. You don't necessarily learn that in MC. Try a business class on clarity & directness.



We are working on repairing it, it's true. And I have had therapy to solve a lot of my own issues and that I can see the difference and improvement on how I solve and communicate my problems and how my relationship with my kids and others have improved.
My question was how long is it normal to be intimate again? How long can a wife wait to feel that her husband desires her and wants to make love to her again? Years? And then realize that it won't be possible?
He comes to my bed and sleeps there until after mid-night when he goes to his own bed. He says he will get there... That's when the "sort of" comes into place...


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## re16

Destrozada said:


> My question was how long is it normal to be intimate again?


How long after what?


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## DownByTheRiver

Certainly, him not drinking would be a good start. Is that out of the question for him?


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## D0nnivain

What are you doing to make him feel desired? Have you tried sexy lingerie & whispering sweet nothings? There is a reason the cliche of the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. When was the last time you made him his favorite meal? If you are initiating & he's not responding that is a different issue.


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## Destrozada

DownByTheRiver said:


> Certainly, him not drinking would be a good start. Is that out of the question for him?


No! He finally admitted his drinking problem had a big role on braking our marriage and ask me for forgiveness, and told me that he wanted to stop drinking so we could have a new marriage. A marriage that we both always wanted and deserved. He asked me to help him stop. We have been working on his urge to drink with healthy habits. He seems happy that I am here with him, helping him because he says that he would not be able to do it alone. He tried in the past but he couldn't go more than three days without going out to drink. He is receiving counseling for his drinking too, besides our couples therapy.


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## Destrozada

D0nnivain said:


> What are you doing to make him feel desired? Have you tried sexy lingerie & whispering sweet nothings? There is a reason the cliche of the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. When was the last time you made him his favorite meal? If you are initiating & he's not responding that is a different issue.



I am doing my part. He loves when I take care of him. He loves my cooking and lately he has just joint me in the kitchen. He was always vocal about how he likes how I take care of him and how much he appreciates that. Besides, he knows I desire him. I have told him so. He gives me compliments on what I wear, my hair, how I smell. Plus I have very clear that his roommate I am not going to be. He just says to give him some time, that he will get there... the question is When?


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## Destrozada

re16 said:


> How long after what?



Have sex! Make love!


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## DownByTheRiver

Destrozada said:


> No! He finally admitted his drinking problem had a big role on braking our marriage and ask me for forgiveness, and told me that he wanted to stop drinking so we could have a new marriage. A marriage that we both always wanted and deserved. He asked me to help him stop. We have been working on his urge to drink with healthy habits. He seems happy that I am here with him, helping him because he says that he would not be able to do it alone. He tried in the past but he couldn't go more than three days without going out to drink. He is receiving counseling for his drinking too, besides our couples therapy.


He should do AA online by Zoom for extra help. It's no fun sleeping with someone once their skin begins to ooze alcohol. It's like sleeping with a sponge that smells sour. Been there. Since he was just a friend and past bf, I had no problem just breaking off the occasional casual sex.


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## MattMatt

Sex and reconciliation


25 years married. 10 not sleeping on same bed... 3 years physically separated, due to extended family matters and covid, but not officially for the extended family neither. Our story is full of errors and mistakes. Our two adult kids, now, suffered the ups and downs of our relationship. He...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com





Please continue on the above thread.

Fixed.


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