# Wife bi-curious?



## MSW1978 (Aug 28, 2016)

My wife was a virgin in high school. Played softball. After high school she became pregnant at 18 by her first boyfriend. Was on birth control and took antibiotics. At 19 was a mom. At 20 we met fell in love and moved in together. Got married at 24. I am 20 years older than her. Bought a house and have had a great marriage. During the last year my wife was promoted to a manager at her job, started coming home and drinking wine, was watching Netflix "Orange Is The New Black" and now "Wentworth". About a month ago she asked me for a divorce saying she was not attracted to be, he does not wish to have sex, but she kept sleeping with me. Finally she went out with her only friend to see a movie. She admitted he was questioning her sexuality. She wanted to have sex with another women. She said she loves me, wants the marriage, wants sex with me, but she is just curious because she never had her wild 20's. We talked for days and she committed to she would be up front and honest. She said she wanted to just try it, no relationship, and only 1 time. She said our marriage is not in jeopardy. She asked me to support her and I agreed. She said she just wants to get it out of her system. She got a private Gmail account and placed and add on Craigslist. When I discovered it she said "how am I to meet someone I don't know. She did not think it was a big deal. I explained she was not upfront and honest with me. We talked more and the definition of sex with another women and what she wanted were totally different. She wants to make out and fondle another woman. After our discussion she deleted one add and posted another. I asked her about it and she lied to me. She did come clean and admitted it a day later and told me she was talking to someone. I asked her when she going out on the date? she said it was no date just a meeting. She refused to call these meetings dates. Our sex life has been great, yet, I am worried she will like it and pursue it. She keeps saying if I can't deal with it she will stop. But I feel she will hold it against me for the rest of my life. She says she will probably chicken out. What do I do? I love her to much that if she kisses another woman once it will destroy us. So if she does what she is saying I feel it's no big deal. I am in therapy now. My wife will not go. And she recommends I allow my wife to go through with it. But I don't know how to handle this? Please help.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

This is what's wrong with males in 2016. Your wife wants to cheat and you're like "Okay sweetie, whatever you want." Maybe you can drive her to her dates and wait for her to finish so she can have a ride home? Are you king of your castle or is she?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Your choices:

Have an open marriage where your wife is allowed to have lovers.
Draw the line in the sand, you both live with the decision to be faithful to each other. Or give her a divorce.

From what little info you gave, I gathered from the few last lines, that you are the kind of guy who would not be able to live with his wife if she had sex or kissing etc with another person. That you would consider this the ultimate betrayal. You have every right to feel this way if you do. When you marry someone you intend for them to be faithful and want only you.

The open marriage has a lot of issues that are difficult to maneuver and you guys might want to sit and have an honest conversation if you are going this route. Maybe even speaking to a MC to discuss goals and boundaries. 

Your wife is curios and there is nothing you can do about that. She has a new itch that is not going to go away because you want it to. Now you have to decide what is in your best interest and act accordingly.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Sex with anyone, male or female, outside of your marriage is adultery. I personally would not allow it.


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## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

LucasJackson said:


> This is what's wrong with males in 2016. Your wife wants to cheat and you're like "Okay sweetie, whatever you want." Maybe you can drive her to her dates and wait for her to finish so she can have a ride home? Are you king of your castle or is she?


Seriously. I often hoped my wife would be bi-curious and I could watch her get it on with another woman. Then, the reality kicks in and I would NEVER want that.

Your wife is pissed at you because you won't let her cheat on you. F That!!! Everything is wrong with this situation and NOTHING good will come out of it. Ask her if it's OK if you have sex with someone else and watch her go crazy.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

if you honestly think this will be a one time thing, i think and your therapist are sadly mistaken, if this feeling in her is this powerful that she is willing to go behind your back then i can assure you it will not be a one time thing, that line in the sand will move....one time sex with this person will be come an open marriage, then exclusivity and your out. protect yourself...at least tell me your not supporting another man's kid.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

A surprising number of women are bisexual to some degree. That probably explains why a large majority of swingers include a bisexual wife - it's a way to not have to suppress part of their sexuality while including their husband in their explorations.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

LucasJackson said:


> This is what's wrong with males in 2016. Your wife wants to cheat and you're like "Okay sweetie, whatever you want." Maybe you can drive her to her dates and wait for her to finish so she can have a ride home? Are you king of your castle or is she?



Did you really just post that after all you wrote in your thread? Jeez.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Tell her yes, but only if it is a threesome. Something you do as a couple.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Did you really just post that after all you wrote in your thread? Jeez.


It's consistent. I don't tolerate cheating in my home/marriage either. My post here is a result of what I've learned. I was a 2016 male in my house, but no longer. I'm the king of my castle. Every castle can have only 1 king.


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## MSW1978 (Aug 28, 2016)

To clarify: My wife wants to meet and make out with another woman. She possibly wants to feel her against her. She says 1 time and it will be out of her system. She does not want to have "sex" with the other woman. She also often says she probably will chicken out. I have asked professionals and this is not even classified as Bi-Curious. She says she will let me know all her plans and when it going to happen and every detail after it happens.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

MSW1978 said:


> To clarify: My wife wants to meet and make out with another woman. She possibly wants to feel her against her. She says 1 time and it will be out of her system. She does not want to have "sex" with the other woman. She also often says she probably will chicken out. I have asked professionals and this is not even classified as Bi-Curious. She says she will let me know all her plans and when it going to happen and every detail after it happens.


If this must happen, and it's a HUGE mistake, then do it while on vacation far from home, be with her in the room, and hire a somewhat pricey escort. That way it's a business transaction, she gets her jollies, and the other woman leaves right away.

Oh, by the way, how many stories would you like us to link for you where something started this exact same "harmless" way and ended up ending the marriage? 50? 500? 10000? Because the stories are out there.

What if instead of another woman it was a man? No sex, she just wants to passionately make out with another dude and then come home. You ok with that?

Your wife wants to cheat. How do you respond? Are you king of your castle or not?


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

MSW1978 said:


> At 20 we met fell in love and moved in together. Got married at 24. I am 20 years older than her.


Not only is a 40 year old dating and then marrying a 20 year old pretty gross. It's an indicator of all sorts of huge issues in both parties that usually results in disastrous relationships.

I have no way of knowing for sure but you were likely her replacement father and safety net for her and her kid. Now you are older, and the deal doesn't seem as good to her so she asks her dad (you) for a hall pass. She wants to be loyal and fair ~ so it's better than going completely behind your back but it's probably more so because she feels she needs permission {and like a child, if you withhold it YOU are being so unreasonable and then they do it anyway}. 

This is just what happens when an adult male dates and then marries a child especially as her testosterone kicks in during her 30's, the kid(s) get older and she begins to differentiate {something she was supposed to do in her 20's from her real parents} while her husband's sex drive begins to wane, he turns gray and developes ED.

Like most parents ~~ you'll inevitably go along with whatever deal she proposes hoping to maintain the illusion of control and to be able to watch over your 'child' in hopes they won't go too far. You'll kid yourself that you can monitor it and if and when it gets out of hand, THEN you'll put a stop to it. You'll end up frustrated, just like every parent that tries to put a leash on their 20-24 year old child. They all fly the coop eventually {sometimes boomeranging for security's sake because you'll always be family to her ~~ lovers, not so much}

I'm not calling you a criminal. It's certainly legal but it will always be anomalous and the consequence of that is almost always dysfunction and eventual divorce. But who knows, maybe you'll find a way to being one of the minority of lucky ones that can maintain a marital relationship with a near child until you die. A start would include saying "no" to this open marriage thing {not as her parent but as her husband} and getting both of you some effective counseling. Spouse's that want to go back to being in their 20's are looking to escape the realities of today and live in a fantasy world. She's not in her 20's anymore and it's time she grew up and started making the reality of today better.


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## vel (Aug 27, 2016)

You guys are in a monogamous relationship. If you do not feel comfortable with her making out with another person, regardless of gender, she needs to respect that. Other guys may be fine with having their wives make out with other women, but you two get to draw the line in your own relationship.

And the one who wants more must always cater to the one who wants less. As in hiking, whoever's walking faster has to be the one to slow down and match pace. She's wanting things you're not and may never be ready for; she needs to slow down! Not cool making ads without discussing it with you first. Major lack of respect. She should be apologising.

For the record I'm also bi-curious and my husband doesn't mind, but if he was uncomfortable with it I would never pursue anything because our relationship is more important.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

MSW1978 said:


> To clarify: My wife wants to meet and make out with another woman. She possibly wants to feel her against her. She says 1 time and it will be out of her system. She does not want to have "sex" with the other woman. She also often says she probably will chicken out. I have asked professionals and this is not even classified as Bi-Curious. She says she will let me know all her plans and when it going to happen and every detail after it happens.


It may not be as sinister as you're being told by others here... I am also bi-curious, but have no desire for actual sex with OW. My curiosity came about as I got older and through sharing fantasies with my H. He like most men has a 3-way fantasy, so it has enhanced that side of our sex life (the fantasy side that is)... I could never share H in reality. He still jokes wistfully that I have a hall pass with OW as long as he gets to watch, but there's no way I'm going there!

Anyway, I also had a desire to feel OW against me. Have you considered going to a strip club together? We have done that a few times and both found it very erotic, and non-threatening since these places have set rules. I enjoy exploring that side of myself safely, and H gets off on watching since a private dance together is the closest he'll ever get to a 3-way, lol. But if all she really wants is to feel that closeness, it may be a safe way to explore it.

I think the keys to keeping it safe for both of you are honesty, and being sure to do it together. She should not go alone, and you shouldn't do it if either one of you has reservations about it. Clearly state your boundaries before going and have a plan to leave if either of you feels uncomfortable for any reason. We started slow, watched from afar on first visit, watched at the stage second visit, got a private dance together on the 3rd....For us, it satisfies the itch for me, and H enjoys it as it feeds his fantasies also.

Just something to think about.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

MSW1978 said:


> To clarify: My wife wants to meet and make out with another woman. She possibly wants to feel her against her. She says 1 time and it will be out of her system. She does not want to have "sex" with the other woman. She also often says she probably will chicken out. I have asked professionals and this is not even classified as Bi-Curious. She says she will let me know all her plans and when it going to happen and every detail after it happens.


I do know some of my wife's female friends have gone to strip clubs and under peer pressure gone through with a lap dance. 

While that is NOT as intimate as making out, it is a very accessible way for your wife to perhaps get something out of her system in a very controlled environment where things will not escalate and get out of control (as in a jealous boyfriend or a con artist). 

As for my wife's friend, after two lap dances, she said she can say for sure that she has no bisexual tendencies.

Badsanta


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## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

I would put my foot down if I were you and tell her that you are not comfortable with her doing this on her own. You need to honor your own needs for transparency between you. You will always wonder what really happened between her and OW if you are not there.

You can also tell her all of the horror stories about CL meetings and hook-ups gone horribly wrong resulting in rape or worse. NOT a safe way to be exploring at all.

IF and ONLY if you you are comfortable and not threatened by the idea of an outing to a strip club (what YOU want is important too), then I would suggest it to her as an alternative that you can feel comfortable with if done together. I was initially hesitant, as I was embarrassed of what my H would think of my reactions. That may be why she doesn't want you there. I was also a little worried that he would pay more attention to the dancers than me, and that the dancers would give more attention to him than me.

That's where taking it slow came in. H actually watched ME and my reactions more than the dancers and when whenever we have had a private dance, he always tells the dancer to give me more attention than him. He has been great about it ... loved it actually and it became a fun and exciting outlet for both of us.

If she still insists she doesn't want you there for any exploring she does, that's when I would worry about her intent to cheat.


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## NoIinThreesome (Nov 6, 2007)

Your wife knows what she is doing is wrong which is why she keeps lying to you about it. 

And shame on your therapist for suggesting you allow your wife to go through with this when it's obviously causing you so much distress. 

Your wife will have her dalliances - she's already shown you that she's trolling for dates - either with your permission or without it. You can open up your relationship or you can tell her you value monogamy and that if this is something she needs to experience it will have to be as your ex-wife.

But you are well within your rights to insist she honor the marital agreement.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

She was on antibiotics when she was 18??? Holy mackerel!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

My 2 cents. I think that the advice that you are two adults is spot on and you each get to set your comfort boundaries.
However, you agreed (which was dumb.) Now you should deal with it. 

The 20 year age difference is huge. As some pointed out you were either a substitute father or a white knight rescuing her from a stupid unplanned pregnancy. Either way, she was desperate and you were willing to provide her with the support she needed. She has changed and you have probably changed.

You posted that she has been promoted (i.e. she is growing up and maturing....getting more responsibility and independence) and she said she wanted a divorce. Then she said she wanted to date a woman. Your marriage is in crisis. You may think things are fine, but it isn't.

The two of you need professional help to sort out your relationship and life goals. Yes, you can DIY with a trip to the strip club and engage in some "R" rated prostitution to help your wife get a notch on her bisexual belt, but that isn't going to deal with her maturing and becoming more independent. You really need to find out if this is just a fantasy or is this is a real need on her part. If it is a fantasy, dress up as a woman and have non-PIV sex with her. Maybe that will be enough to satisfy her bi-curiosity. I doubt it will, but at least sugdest it. Then get into some counseling probably with a sex therapist.

Good luck.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> She was on antibiotics when she was 18??? Holy mackerel!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What's hard to buy about that? My now 20 y/o was on deppo & had to take an antibiotic at 19 for a knee infection. I made sure she knew that she needed to use backup.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

LucasJackson said:


> It's consistent. I don't tolerate cheating in my home/marriage either. My post here is a result of what I've learned. I was a 2016 male in my house, but no longer. I'm the king of my castle. Every castle can have only 1 king.




Yep. Keep on thinking that.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

I would not want to open up a relationship, but you did agree to do so with your wife...and now you are accusing her of not being up front with you.

Her placing an ad on craigslist is one of the most common ways for a person to fulfill the sort of fantasy that your wife has.

You agreed that she could have an affair, but now you are claiming that she is being dishonest...what gives?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

MSW1978 said:


> My wife was a virgin in high school. Played softball. After high school she became pregnant at 18 by her first boyfriend. Was on birth control and took antibiotics. At 19 was a mom. At 20 we met fell in love and moved in together. Got married at 24. I am 20 years older than her. Bought a house and have had a great marriage. During the last year my wife was promoted to a manager at her job, started coming home and drinking wine, was watching Netflix "Orange Is The New Black" and now "Wentworth". About a month ago she asked me for a divorce saying she was not attracted to be, he does not wish to have sex, but she kept sleeping with me. Finally she went out with her only friend to see a movie. She admitted he was questioning her sexuality. She wanted to have sex with another women. She said she loves me, wants the marriage, wants sex with me, but she is just curious because she never had her wild 20's. We talked for days and she committed to she would be up front and honest. She said she wanted to just try it, no relationship, and only 1 time. She said our marriage is not in jeopardy. She asked me to support her and I agreed. She said she just wants to get it out of her system. She got a private Gmail account and placed and add on Craigslist. When I discovered it she said "how am I to meet someone I don't know. She did not think it was a big deal. I explained she was not upfront and honest with me. We talked more and the definition of sex with another women and what she wanted were totally different. She wants to make out and fondle another woman. After our discussion she deleted one add and posted another. I asked her about it and she lied to me. She did come clean and admitted it a day later and told me she was talking to someone. I asked her when she going out on the date? she said it was no date just a meeting. She refused to call these meetings dates. Our sex life has been great, yet, I am worried she will like it and pursue it. She keeps saying if I can't deal with it she will stop. But I feel she will hold it against me for the rest of my life. She says she will probably chicken out. What do I do? I love her to much that if she kisses another woman once it will destroy us. So if she does what she is saying I feel it's no big deal. I am in therapy now. My wife will not go. And she recommends I allow my wife to go through with it. But I don't know how to handle this? Please help.


If you'd be interested in a threesome with her new girlfriend, tell her that's the only way you'll let her go through with it.

Otherwise, tell her that you're not okay with it and if she goes through with it, you're going to divorce her.

Of course, the first approach is very risky and I'm not actually recommending it, just pointing it out as a possibility.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I just don't see how it can ever be a good idea to compromise one's core values, to keep a spouse 'happy'' in doing something potentially destructive to the marriage. Your wife doesn't respect you, OP. However you arrived there, that's the end result from what you've shared here. If you want to continue down this path of no respect, then give in to her, but she will lose more and more respect for you, the more you compromise your values. If you are not into the idea of this, then don't pretend you are to ''save'' a marriage. If this is what it takes to ''keep'' her, then what do you really have?


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

MSW1978 said:


> To clarify: My wife wants to meet and make out with another woman. She possibly wants to feel her against her. She says 1 time and it will be out of her system. She does not want to have "sex" with the other woman. She also often says she probably will chicken out. I have asked professionals and this is not even classified as Bi-Curious. She says she will let me know all her plans and when it going to happen and every detail after it happens.



Would you be ok with her having sex with a man with a bigger penis than you "just to get it out of her system?"

Would you be ok with her having sex with a man of another race "just to get it out of her system?"

Would you be ok with her having a bunch of guys gang-bang her "just to get it out of her system?"

Why is this any different?


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## Palodyne (Mar 3, 2016)

Your wife is asking permission to cheat, and you are knuckling under to it. It doesn't matter if her partner is a man or a lesbian, it is still cheating. You need to man up and tell her that you will not abide an affair, male or female.

If she is a lesbian, then she needs to grant you a no fault divorce and move on. Otherwise, you demand fidelity. Don't allow her to waffle on the subject. You deserve better than that. Don't let her use you.

Man up, and file for divorce. Leave her to her lesbian tendencies and find a woman that wants a man. Good fortune to you.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

There is a mix of currents in this situation, where some posters react to her behavior versus the rules of the situation, and some look at the feelings of your wife, and some bring in the difference of age as a factor. I am looking not for a justification or condemnation of her, but for an explanation of what happens.

The rules imho are always being bent by the spouse with strong enough feelings about something. That may just happen here, whatever line of action you would follow.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

What is the end game? Your wife thinks she may be bi and wants to test that. As a little tidbit I have learned, being bisexual only means that you can have a relationship with a male OR a female. It doesn't mean you get to have both. My bi friends (male and female) say that when they are with a dedicated partner they don't fantasize about or "miss" the other gender. 

So, again, what will she accomplish? She might decide she is not bi after all, but given that she fantasizes about other women, that's unlikely. Or she may figure out she IS bisexual. What will that do for her given that she is married to you? Do you honestly think she'll make that discovery then just drop it? 

She really just needs to dedicate herself to her marriage and leave the lesbian stuff to fantasy only. 

You heading down a very slippery slope and it'll be almost impossible to climb that hill once she slips.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

larry.gray said:


> What's hard to buy about that? My now 20 y/o was on deppo & had to take an antibiotic at 19 for a knee infection. I made sure she knew that she needed to use backup.


It just seems like an odd thing to feel the need to mention given the rest of the post. He mentions it as if to say she got pregnant and had a child early and never got a chance to experiment and get it out of her system.

To me, what would be more helpful in granting advice ito OP into his wife's mindset is under what circumstances would a 19-20 year old single mother (1) meet (2) date (3) fall in love and marry a guy twice her age. 

I notice OP felt none of THAT information was relevant.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

Palodyne said:


> Your wife is asking permission to cheat, and you are knuckling under to it. It doesn't matter if her partner is a man or a lesbian, it is still cheating. You need to man up and tell her that you will not abide an affair, male or female.
> 
> If she is a lesbian, then she needs to grant you a no fault divorce and move on. Otherwise, you demand fidelity. Don't allow her to waffle on the subject. You deserve better than that. Don't let her use you.
> 
> Man up, and file for divorce. Leave her to her lesbian tendencies and find a woman that wants a man. Good fortune to you.


If it's permission, then it's not cheating. Cheating is when you do it without consent. Yes it's still an affair but that's a whole different animal and can work if she's open about it.

And I'm in total disagreement on this. Having an affair with a woman as long as it was with my consent and in full transparency would be fine with me (but not another man.) I'm not saying it would be without potential problems but I could make it work. Maybe it's because I married a bi-curious woman and she was open with that from the day I met her. I loved that she shared this with me. She never did pursue it but came close and I would have been just fine if she did.

Maybe that's just me.


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## Palodyne (Mar 3, 2016)

JamesTKirk said:


> If it's permission, then it's not cheating. Cheating is when you do it without consent. Yes it's still an affair but that's a whole different animal and can work if she's open about it.
> 
> And I'm in total disagreement on this. Having an affair with a woman as long as it was with my consent and in full transparency would be fine with me (but not another man.) I'm not saying it would be without potential problems but I could make it work. Maybe it's because I married a bi-curious woman and she was open with that from the day I met her. I loved that she shared this with me. She never did pursue it but came close and I would have been just fine if she did.
> 
> Maybe that's just me.


Hey, James T Kirk, thanks for saving the universe and humanity. You were a great Captain.

Ok, that aside. Cheating is cheating. Period. I never said he gave consent, I said he was knuckling under to it. Once the vows are taken and sworn to, there is no wiggle room. It doesn't matter if it is a woman or another man, it is unacceptable, and it is infidelity.

If you want to screw other people, great, the answer is simple. DON'T take vows of fidelity to one partner. If she wants to test out her bisexuality, she needs to divorce and go for it. But as is, if she does this, she is a cheater! Plain and simple.

If she feels this is her destiny, her husband should divorce her, wish her luck, and find a woman worthy of his time and effort.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

OP,

Here is where you are letting a genie out of the bottle that you may be sorry about. Non monogamous marriages are plagued with the same problems as monogamous ones, namely breaking of boundaries and the initiating partner not keeping the agreements that are made.

Now, aside from the dangers of meeting someone on Craig's List without you there, what is your plan if she tells you
(1) we did more than "fondle" (You really think that whoever she meets only wants to fondle?)
(2) she likes it so much that she wants to continue.

If either of those occur, what is your plan???

Next, what is your plan if she meets more women and then one day meets a woman she is totally into that has a hunky boyfriend??

You better be real careful here.

And lastly, your therapist should be disbarred and thrown out of the profession. You keep taking advice from this idiot and you will screw your life up big time


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Quality said:


> Not only is a 40 year old dating and then marrying a 20 year old pretty gross. It's an indicator of all sorts of huge issues in both parties that usually results in disastrous relationships..


Quoted for truth.

That's what happens when you're 40 and you marry a girl barely out of her teens who has ZERO life experience and has NO CLUE what she wants in life.


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

This is starting to be much more prevalent, now. Women who have id'd as straight, gotten married, had kids, and are befuddled when they feel like they are missing something. 

Not sure how bad your wife has it when it comes to her curiosity, but this can sometime turn into a severe ache. From personal experience, it is NOT just being horny and it is not the same feeling of wanting to just screw a guy. Unless you have felt that, you really just don't know how deep and far it goes. 

Now...she's been pretty honest with you. Last week, I was perusing the W4W section and I caught my husband's cousin on there. She made it obvious that it was her, although it wasn't the intention. I made the decision to reach out to her and warn her and made my husband aware of it. The hubby was pissed because I could potentially out myself by discussing this with her, but I knew that she wouldn't say anything because outing me would out her. She's married, too. Basically she told me, "I love my husband and I'm all about my family, but there is just something missing inside of me..."

And I understood. 

And that is the alternative. I've been up front with my husband. He's been back and forth, although I did have his permission to go on my first same-sex date, but it's like walking on a shifting floor, you never know what he's going to agree to and then change his mind about. 

We went to a sex therapist, too. She told him the same as yours. Why do they say this? Because asking her to not explore her curious miry will only create resentment and have her hate you. Or begin to strongly dislike you. Having been on this end of it, it's not just about screwing around. It's not like when you'd cheat with a guy. You identify with your sexuality. You make it part of who you are. Then, there's the very strong desire to have that feeling of both a physical and emotional connection. It is VERY strong. 

Many people want to tell you what to do. They want to jump on your wife and how she's cheating. They want to jump on you and tell you to be the man. It's all a point of view. While you have those opinions from these kind of folks, when you "delve" into that world, you'd find that many others are actually okay with it. So, it works both ways. No one is actually "right."

Please consider the fact that most women don't consider same-sex sex as cheating. They hide it from their husbands or boyfriends on this caveat. She's being open and honest with you. Cheaters normally don't do this. 

My suggestion would be to sit down and talk with her. Appreciate that she is open and honest with you. Understand that this is happening much more in this day and age and many men don't even know about it. 

The first thing is to have that conversation. Have her open up to you, but do not judge or reprimand her. She may just want to incorporate this into her fantasies or sex life with you. Maybe she just needs to go to a strip club. Maybe she needs more. You'll never know if you're too afraid and trying to control the future. While it isn't your fault that she's barely just figuring out her sexuality and our society is barely begging to accept this in women, you dont have much control here.


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

Having been to two therapists and one sex therapist myself, they all say this. 

It may not be the popular answer, but I've found that they want the person to explore their sexuality even while married. Suppressing it, is harmful and can have disastrous results that far exceed a divorce. 



straightshooter said:


> OP,
> 
> Here is where you are letting a genie out of the bottle that you may be sorry about. Non monogamous marriages are plagued with the same problems as monogamous ones, namely breaking of boundaries and the initiating partner not keeping the agreements that are made.
> 
> ...


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

My entire message didn't go through. 

You have two options here and that's it:

1. You can go along for this ride and see where it takes you. 
2. You can ask go get off early. 

You can't convince her not to do something. You can't make her put this away. She can't make you go along with. She can't make you like it. 

An honest conversation is needed. One that is brutally honest and all cards are laid upon the table. 

Have her join shybi. I've found it tremendously helpful.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

cali_chick said:


> This is starting to be much more prevalent, now. Women who have id'd as straight, gotten married, had kids, and are befuddled when they feel like they are missing something.
> 
> Not sure how bad your wife has it when it comes to her curiosity, but this can sometime turn into a severe ache. From personal experience, it is NOT just being horny and it is not the same feeling of wanting to just screw a guy. Unless you have felt that, you really just don't know how deep and far it goes.
> 
> ...


So, lesbian relationships and marriages are not REAL relationships because it's two women? I call BS on this. If she explores her lesbian side she may very well develop feelings for the other woman. That's reality. And, if she does, it could strain or destroy the marriage.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

cali_chick said:


> And that is the alternative. I've been up front with my husband. He's been back and forth, although I did have his permission to go on my first same-sex date, but it's like walking on a shifting floor, you never know what he's going to agree to and then change his mind about.


He's vacillating because he knows he's agreeing to you cheating and he doesn't know how to handle it



cali_chick said:


> We went to a sex therapist, too. She told him the same as yours. Why do they say this? Because asking her to not explore her curious miry will only create resentment and have her hate you. Or begin to strongly dislike you.


I'm sorry - your (and OP's) sex therapist said let you cheat or you would grow to resent your husband?





cali_chick said:


> Having been on this end of it, it's not just about screwing around. It's not like when you'd cheat with a guy. You identify with your sexuality. You make it part of who you are. Then, there's the very strong desire to have that feeling of both a physical and emotional connection. It is VERY strong.


Yeah...no. I don't care how you pretty that up, it still sounds like cheating



cali_chick said:


> Please consider the fact that most women don't consider same-sex sex as cheating. They hide it from their husbands or boyfriends on this caveat. She's being open and honest with you. Cheaters normally don't do this.


Sorry. No matter how hard you slice it, man/woman, it's someone other than your spouse and it's cheating. 

This is just cheater type logic saying same-sex isn't cheating

Also, cheater do all sorts of thing normal people wouldn't do. So I wouldn't add stock in what cheater normally wouldn't do



cali_chick said:


> The first thing is to have that conversation. Have her open up to you, but do not judge or reprimand her. She may just want to incorporate this into her fantasies or sex life with you. Maybe she just needs to go to a strip club. Maybe she needs more. You'll never know if you're too afraid and trying to control the future. While it isn't your fault that she's barely just figuring out her sexuality and our society is barely begging to accept this in women, you dont have much control here.



In theory, I like the above, especially about the communication.

What she needs is to not cake eat. Sorry, using the excuse that you are curious and you want to try out other people doesn't cut it. If your need is that great to explore then divorce. That way you keep your integrity and don't become a cheater. You are then free to live a lifestyle that you now want


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## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

TX-SC said:


> So, lesbian relationships and marriages are not REAL relationships because it's two women? I call BS on this. If she explores her lesbian side she may very well develop feelings for the other woman. That's reality. And, if she does, it could strain or destroy the marriage.


Agreed... I'm curious enough to go to a strip club to explore the fantasy with my H, but I would _never _act on it even though my H has often told me it would be fine as long as he could watch > To be fair, I even told him he could be with another man as long as I got to watch too... that ended that discussion :grin2:

I would be too worried about developing feelings for OW, or losing feelings for my H. Or him being more into OW too... in our case I worry about it leading to a 3-way, and I don't like to share :wink2:


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

JamesTKirk said:


> If it's permission, then it's not cheating. Cheating is when you do it without consent. Yes it's still an affair but that's a whole different animal and can work if she's open about it.
> 
> And I'm in total disagreement on this. Having an affair with a woman as long as it was with my consent and in full transparency would be fine with me (but not another man.) I'm not saying it would be without potential problems but I could make it work. Maybe it's because I married a bi-curious woman and she was open with that from the day I met her. I loved that she shared this with me. She never did pursue it but came close and I would have been just fine if she did.
> 
> Maybe that's just me.


It is not just you - my wife is bi-curious as well. We have discussed it and if she wanted to do something with another woman (with or without me present) I would be fine with it, but that is just me. I can't explain why that is, it just is. If someone faults me for that, that's fine.

However, many people feel that it is cheating regardless of the sex, and regardless of whether or not they have consent from their spouse. That is a valid point of view as well, and I don't fault anyone for feeling this way.



Palodyne said:


> Cheating is cheating. Period. I never said he gave consent, I said he was knuckling under to it. Once the vows are taken and sworn to, there is no wiggle room. It doesn't matter if it is a woman or another man, it is unacceptable, and it is infidelity.
> 
> If you want to screw other people, great, the answer is simple. DON'T take vows of fidelity to one partner. If she wants to test out her bisexuality, she needs to divorce and go for it. But as is, if she does this, she is a cheater! Plain and simple.
> 
> If she feels this is her destiny, her husband should divorce her, wish her luck, and find a woman worthy of his time and effort.


Personally I don't think the problem is that she wants to. The problem is that he doesn't want her to, and she is pressuring him to do it anyway. Or maybe he is not voicing that concern to her, and that is a problem too.

However, I don't think it is a good idea to imprint your own values onto someone else's relationship. I don't agree with the OPs point of view, but I think it's important to acknowledge it and give advice based on his values, not mine.


To the OP - I agree with other posters here in that she doesn't seem to respect your marriage. Believe us, she is likely to go ahead and do it behind your back. By forcing yourself to give consent when you don't really want to, you're giving her an out - "But I thought you were OK with it!"

Doing something she's never done to "get it out of her system" seems like flawed logic to me. How does she know she won't like the other person more than she expects? If she then decided to leave you and take half of your assets, you can't really say anything because "you said it was OK!"


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

Palodyne said:


> Hey, James T Kirk, thanks for saving the universe and humanity. You were a great Captain.
> 
> Ok, that aside. Cheating is cheating. Period. I never said he gave consent, I said he was knuckling under to it. Once the vows are taken and sworn to, there is no wiggle room. It doesn't matter if it is a woman or another man, it is unacceptable, and it is infidelity.
> 
> ...


Cheating is lying, deception, and going against what you and your spouse agreed to. When it's collabortion it's not cheating. Marriage does not mean manogomy for all people.
Cheating and manogomy aren't the same thing.
I'm not saying it's a good idea. I'm just saying I don't agree an what cheating is which is going about it secretly or with desception. You can cheat without having sex with another person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

JamesTKirk said:


> Cheating is lying, deception, and going against what you and your spouse agreed to. When it's collabortion it's not cheating. Marriage does not mean manogomy for all people.
> Cheating and manogomy aren't the same thing.
> I'm not saying it's a good idea. I'm just saying I don't agree an what cheating is which is going about it secretly or with desception. You can cheat without having sex with another person.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I see you attempting to wiggle out of that Kobayashi Maru.

Now to use Vulcan logic to free you from the clutches of that Orion slave girl (the green hot one that is)

Marriage does actually mean monogamy. Monogamy and exclusivity When you marry, you agree to forsake all others. So even if it's agreed to be with others, it's cheating (i.e. you are doing something that you shouldn't be doing because you agreed to forsake all others).

I was recently at a very simple and nonreligious wedding. Even in their vows read by the justice of peace, it mentions that they each agree to forsake all others

Cheating isn't just about the deception. It also encompasses the action, the stealing of emotions, the mental (and sometimes physical) damage, as well as the consequences.

I will agree with you that your terms of what cheating is and my terms of cheating are probably a little different (as with others as well). I think we will devolve into the ever popular thread jack trying to determine whose term of cheating is most correct.

I do thank you for your work in personally helping to populate half the know galaxy!


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

Let's all agree to disagree, and go with the knowledge that the OP is not OK with this.

Sent from my LG-H810 using Tapatalk


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If he agrees to let her explore her sexuality, it's NOT cheating. However, he can say no, because when you marry you commit to one person (barring any mutual agreement to the contrary). A bisexual person can commit just as a heterosexual can. If they cannot, then they should not make the vow. If they discover later that they don't want to keep the vow, they can ask permission from their spouse and negotiate parameters, or choose to divorce instead (or if permission isn't given). That's the reasonable, respectful, and honest way to approach it, IMO.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

For a few years I shared a house with lesbians and I can tell you from my experience that girls that are "curious" about their sexuality are a lot more common than you might think.A lot of the time it was simply cuddling and maybe kissing.Most of the time that was their first and last time to experiment.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

cali_chick said:


> ....We went to a sex therapist, too. She told him the same as yours. Why do they say this? *Because asking her to not explore her curious miry will only create resentment and have her hate you.* Or begin to strongly dislike you. Having been on this end of it, it's not just about screwing around. It's not like when you'd cheat with a guy. You identify with your sexuality. You make it part of who you are. *Then, there's the very strong desire to have that feeling of both a physical and emotional connection. It is VERY strong. *
> 
> Many people want to tell you what to do. They want to jump on your wife and how she's cheating. They want to jump on you and tell you to be the man. It's all a point of view. While you have those opinions from these kind of folks, when you "delve" into that world, you'd find that many others are actually okay with it. So, it works both ways. No one is actually "right."
> 
> ...





cali_chick said:


> Having been to two therapists and one sex therapist myself, they all say this.
> 
> It may not be the popular answer, but I've found that they want the person to explore their sexuality even while married. Suppressing it, is harmful and can have disastrous results that far exceed a divorce.


I agree with much of the advice and life experience you are sharing.

However, there is one point where I strongly disagree. I will digress first so you understand where I am coming from. I am a big fan of David Schnarch, Passionate Marriage, etc. He says that marriage is the hardest thing that two people can do, if done right. In particular marriage is all about two separate people becoming one family unit. It is about two people growing emotionally at different rates and the push and pull of still remaining emotionally connected to their spouse. It requires incredible commitment, the ability to self sooth, to differentiate, to perform introspection of the highest order, to change yourself or allow yourself to grow and to compromise. It also requires that you learn about yourself and what your boundaries are.

With that, yes, the OP said to his wife she had his permission to explore her sexuality. That is something that he later learned was a mistake.

People are allowed to have boundaries. They need to be honest in their communication of those boundaries to their spouse. They also need to be consistent in what those boundaries are.

I don't think that any ST worth their salt would say, don't stand in the way of your spouse exploring their sexuality, as they will dislike or hate you.... IF you have a consistent boundary that show that such action would end the marriage in your mind.

The reason I say that is that I and my wife have seen an ST who saved our marriage (I was in a Sex Starved Marriage) and the ST made it clear that to us that we were each free to pursue whatever course our core values directed us, but that each of us had to live with the logical consequences.

If the OP is saying that he now realizes how strong his boundaries were in regards to his wife not having sex with others, I think that a ST would point out to his wife that she will need to live with the consequences of any sexual exploration. I would also hope that the ST would point out to the OP that he needs to live with the consequences that his permission and then enlightenment has huge trust, marital, and emotional consequences.

I would hope that both, with the help of a skilled ST, could figure how through serious communications to repair the damage each has done to their marriage and that each will take responsibility for their own actions if the marriage is to survive or not.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Young at Heart said:


> the ST made it clear that to us that we were each free to pursue whatever course our core values directed us, but that each of us had to live with the logical consequences.


:allhail:


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

What a lot of men don't get is women are far more comfortable with other women in close proximity than men are with other men.What I mean is for example,if two guys end up sharing a room for the night and there is only a double bed then ninety nine per cent of the time one of them will sleep on the floor or a couch if there's one.With two women they will (mostly) have no problem sharing a bed.
A lot of this experimentation or curiosity is not wanting lesbian sex per se,it is just the feeling of wanting another women's body to cuddle up to.
If a Woman is in the closet then of course that is a different matter and you can go to every sex therapist or counsellor on earth and it won't change a thing.
Think about all the times your girlfriends had sleepovers or pyjama parties as teenagers and that is where they get the curiosity out of their system.
This is not just my opinion but is straight "from the horses mouth".


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## Palodyne (Mar 3, 2016)

JamesTKirk said:


> Cheating is lying, deception, and going against what you and your spouse agreed to. When it's collabortion it's not cheating. Marriage does not mean manogomy for all people.
> Cheating and manogomy aren't the same thing.
> I'm not saying it's a good idea. I'm just saying I don't agree an what cheating is which is going about it secretly or with desception. You can cheat without having sex with another person.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Collaboration? To my memory there was no collaboration. Just lying and cheating.


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## Palodyne (Mar 3, 2016)

Marriage does not mean monogamy to all people?

Are you seriously ****king me? What the F*ck are vows for then? Hey spouse, I will take wedding vows with you, but I really don't give a damn what they stand for. If I find another that tickles my fancy, I am going to blow you off and pursue them.

Then why marry at all? A person that feels as you do has no business marrying anyone. You are unfit to be a spouse.


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

Palodyne said:


> Marriage does not mean monogamy to all people?
> 
> Are you seriously ****king me? What the F*ck are vows for then? Hey spouse, I will take wedding vows with you, but I really don't give a damn what they stand for. If I find another that tickles my fancy, I am going to blow you off and pursue them.
> 
> Then why marry at all? A person that feels as you do has no business marrying anyone. You are unfit to be a spouse.


Here we go again, trying to force your values onto other people. Just because someone doesn't feel the same way as you, they are unfit to be married?


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

There is no need to beat up the sex therapists because they are just telling the truth. "Cheaters gonna cheat" is basically the same truth you hear here and elsewhere and people who have the urge to have sex with someone else than their partner will either do it or grow resentment when they suppress it. It really is irrelevant if the urge is to have homosexual or heterosexual contacts. Can be fetishes too, e.g. like BDSM etc. 

The big difference is social acceptance. A woman having sex with another female outside of marriage is far more acceptable nowadays then two men or man/woman with someone of the opposite sex. Or at least say that society tells men that it's not that big of a deal, regardless what they are thinking, and on the other hand there is a lot of potential shame involved (your wife had to go lesbian to get satisfied, you must be really bad in bed etc.).

Question in all these cases is can the spouse/partner accept the changing or breaking of the agreed/implied rules of the relationship (and they are different for each couple, e.g. swingers have rules too and one spouse may not just f*ck around on a business trip without the others presence). If not, then break off. If yes then you have to negotiate new rules. 

If it really is purely sexual then there is no real reason why there can't be a threesome. E.g. the man may have the urge to feel some other vagina too. Why should he not be allowed to explore it? Quite a number of couples handle it that way. Or the H may go on dates with other women. (assuming the H is ok with that, some men don't want to have sex with another woman). If that's then inacceptable to his "wanting to experiment because of her urge" wife, you see the bigotry and selfishness in her wishes or that she wants to have some kind of relationship without the presence of her H and can decide from there how to proceed.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Married but Happy said:


> A surprising number of women are bisexual to some degree. That probably explains why a large majority of swingers include a bisexual wife - it's a way to not have to suppress part of their sexuality while including their husband in their explorations.


Often that's because they don't often let single men (playa's) join. So unless she's interested to a degree or really hanging on to him despite the circumstances hubby won't be joining.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

A large number of modern girls and women are "hooking up". So much so, that it has pretty much taken about as much weight as going to a famous concert - it's just of those things you do as a teen.

As for the bi-curious. It's a hard call. "Saying NO" really isn't an option - she has to explore whether or not she wants to take the risk, and sadly as many of us men have found, we don't have any intrinsic value in a woman's life, so it is likely if she finds a new interest then you're yesterday's newspaper.

Some women find that (to quote) "Their partner is supposed to be rugged and hairy, not smooth and curvy", or often they realise that some women really are quite messed up (controlling/arrogant/users), and that puts them off.
Often, they find that it's much easier to share and talk with another woman and that they have much more in common to yak endlessly about - without the pressure for sex - cuddles and hugging without all that messy testosterone getting worked up. So while there might be a curiosity for physical sex at some point, the husband cuckolded by woman can be sexual but is almost always emotional abandonment followed by full withdrawal from the relationship; a factor which can also happen in far too many lesbian relationships as well.

IF she really is just after a one night stand then could advertise, or go elsewhere - just remember that cruising for other women to _use_ for her curiosity is the same as some male playa looking to "do some spadework", and it is really nasty to pick someone up, hook up with them and just dump them after her/your have nights fun. Just don't do that to other people, make sure you/her advertise "bi-curious for a single night or curiosity hook-up".


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

Palodyne said:


> Marriage does not mean monogamy to all people?
> 
> Are you seriously ****king me? What the F*ck are vows for then? Hey spouse, I will take wedding vows with you, but I really don't give a damn what they stand for. If I find another that tickles my fancy, I am going to blow you off and pursue them.
> 
> Then why marry at all? A person that feels as you do has no business marrying anyone. You are unfit to be a spouse.





Seppuku said:


> Here we go again, trying to force your values onto other people. Just because someone doesn't feel the same way as you, they are unfit to be married?


A topic worth a thread of its own.


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## Imissmywife (Jan 29, 2016)

Again, I feel somewhat experienced in replying to your thread.......

Back in my mid-late 20s I was married to a sexed up woman. Wanted it all the time and was multi orgasmic. We fantasizes about a lot of sexual things, including MFM and MFF. She worked with a gal that was married and was bi. They got along famously. One night in the throes of passion she mentioned that this other woman would be open to a MFF. SCHWING!!!!!!! Eventually my wife and this woman started an ongoing affair but I never got to participate, nor did the other woman's husband. Long story short they moved in together after divorcing both of us. Don't know how long it lasted but now she's married to an older sugar daddy.

Current wife also admitted to bi fantasies during pillow talk. We met another couple online who both admitted they were bi. SCHWING! My wife admitted after meeting them that they were both hot, but didn't think she could handle seeing me with the other wife. Damn!

Low and behold one week when I was out of town on business I called home and she said she was about to leave (9:00at night) and go over to this other woman's house (her husband was also out of town). 4 excruciating hours later she called and said she was home. I asked what had happened, and she reluctantly gave me the details. I was so horned up I came while she gave me the details. When I got hoe we had some incredible sex while she gave me the details. Even though it had been a hot experience, it just was something on her bucket list, checked it off, and didn't want to do it again.......even though the other wife was practically begging for my wife to get back in bed with her again.

I'd say let you wife give it a go. If she's like my wife she'll mark it off her list and you two can move on. If she really loves it then you'll have to cross that bridge together. Or like,with my ex, you'll let her go!


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