# HELP: OW and EXH wants my toddler son to call her "mommy"!



## Confused_Mom (May 22, 2013)

i don't know what to do. my ex and the ow are now living together and about to get married. our custody agreement lets him have my son on certain weekends and weeks. however, i hate it when he has to go over there.

everything was fine up until a couple of weeks ago when my son went over there for his first full weekend. he came home all confused and sad because my ex and that witch wanted him to call her mommy! 

he did not want to and he did not like hanging out with her. (i might have told him that she was a bad person but still...). So they gave my son a timeout!

they took away his toys and made him sit in a corner for some time until he learned to be nice. they even don't give him snacks then but just vegetables which he hates. not a big deal but i hate the reason behind it.

last weekend, i hid a hot wheels car in his pocket so he always has a toy to play with. he told me he really did not like melissa and that she was mean to him. what can i tell those two losers so they stop making my son call her mommy?

he still does not call her mommy so that's good but i am worried that this might change sometime.


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## LDB526 (May 20, 2013)

Confused_Mom said:


> i don't know what to do. my ex and the ow are now living together and about to get married. our custody agreement lets him have my son on certain weekends and weeks. however, i hate it when he has to go over there.
> 
> everything was fine up until a couple of weeks ago when my son went over there for his first full weekend. he came home all confused and sad because my ex and that witch wanted him to call her mommy!
> 
> ...


You go over there and tell that loser OW and your Ex that your son only has one mommy and that is you. Your son will call her by her given name and only her given name.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Protect your son from these people. This breaks my heart that your son is in the middle of this crap.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

highwood said:


> Protect your son from these people. This breaks my heart that your son is in the middle of this crap.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Tell them it will be her first name or skank - their choice. How sad for your son.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

Contact your lawyer and let him know they are alienating you. Your lawyer will advise what actions you can take (mediation to change the parenting plan) or whatever else is available in your specific case.

My ex W tried that with my son (call her bf Dad) but he refused. There was never punishment though if he didn't comply with the "Dad" request.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Does your son get punished for not calling her mummy? Or is it because he is being mean to her? 

Have you talked to them about this issue? It may be that what you are being told by your toddler is not quite accurate, i.e. maybe she has said 'I am here to be your mum while you are in this house so it would be really nice if you could come to me when your dad is not around' or words to that effect. However, if he has explicitly been TOLD to call her mummy, have you told them they need to stop doing this as he is coming home very confused and unhappy? If this is the case, it really does need to stop. ASAP.

I am going to continue on the premise that your son is being punished for being mean to Melissa rather than for not calling her mummy. You are not clear on what it is but the latter seems too far out there. If the latter is the case then this seems more an issue of abuse.

But... if your son is being punished for being mean to Melissa then you have your part to play in this. You need to NOT bad mouth her, and you have got to help your son like her. She is going to be married to his father. And she will be in your son's life like it or not. Your son will be much happier if he is happy in his surroundings, and with dislike towards someone who now has a major role in his life, he will be having major sad episodes (all his time spent with his father, and following that his return to you) and this is depressing. You do not want negative feelings, unhappy feelings, rattling around in your young son. These feelings will become his friend if you are not careful. You need to do your best to steer him away from this 'friend'.

Your role in this situation is critical to your son's happiness. Don't underestimate your role in this. If you are telling your son that she is not a nice person, you are actively turning your son against her and actively making him unhappy in his other home. Your job is to ensure his happiness. You cannot change the sh*t situation and you cannot control other's actions. But you can do your best to deal with whatever situation you are faced with. You have got to put your feelings aside for the happiness of your son.

Additionally, you absolutely should not be undermining the father by putting toys in his pocket so he always has something to play with when he is being mean to Melissa and punished for it (this I am saying with the premise that he is being punished reasonably for unreasonable behaviour. Have you talked to your ex about your son's punishments and the length of them for the behaviour displayed? If not, you need to have a chat. A positive chat. You still need to help each other out with parenting, and will have to for the next 15+ years, so keeping a healthy dialogue open is a must). 

Do you put your son on the naughty step? How would you feel if his father was saying you were wrong to punish and giving him things to keep him happy while being punished for bad behaviour at your home? What you should be doing is backing the father up by reinforcing that your son should not be mean and rude to ANYONE for no reason. Of course, this should follow a chat with his father to find out first what happened so that you can reinforce it from your end. This will have a huge effect on your son's happiness. 

What I hear from you is that your input is helping your son to be unhappy and is confusing him (telling him that Melissa is not nice. His father is also confusing him by encouraging him to call Melissa mummy. This all needs straightening out asap). Sorry to be blunt, sorry to tell you what you probably really DON'T want to hear. This is what I am getting from reading your post. And I am making the assumption that she is the OW, and he left you for her. I have not read your story and so if your ex is an abusive father, I am unaware of this. You do need to find out the 'mummy melissa' story from their end though. 

This is not about your feelings towards his dad, or the ow, this is about your son being happy while away from you. And you need to get along with your ex, like it or not. You will need to parent your son cooperatively with the ex, you need to communicate pleasantly about issues e.g. your son calling her mummy, or him coming back unhappy and what you can both do to help him, so that there is some dialogue between you. If you are both able to work together, this will make the best of a bad situation. 

Turning a child against one of their parents through bad mouthing and undermining is bringing hate and sadness into a child's life. This has devastating consequences.

If you cannot keep open dialogue and do parenting between you then you are both going to reap some terrible rewards in the future. If your ex is uncooperative than you just have to do your best from your end.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Confused_Mom said:


> he did not want to and he did not like hanging out with her. (i might have told him that she was a bad person but still...).
> 
> .... he told me he really did not like melissa and that she was mean to him.


This is what I gleaned from your post BTW. And what I based most of my reply on.

You do need to find out what this 'mummy' thing is all about though. 

Children are very self centred. If your son is horrible to Melissa and she reacts to this by telling him off, he will come home and tell you that she is mean to him. He will not see that his behaviour is causing her to be 'mean' to him. And if he is horrible to Melissa, you are encouraging this by saying she is a bad person. 

If you would like more info on the effects of one parent undermining another then I can give more info on my story. My children are 12 and 14 now. Their father has undermined me and bad mouthed me for years. And yes, I left him. But I left because I was unhappy and because he is a truly horrible man. I did not leave for another man and in fact it was 2 years before I met someone else. My man has never tried to be their father and we have never lived together. 

Myself and my ex are an extreme situation, but this behaviour and the way he has manipulated my children has had a massive effect on the kids.

If you want to hear more, just let me know.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

You are your son's Mommy, period. That's all there is to it!


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

That sounds patently absurd. If you wanted a sanity check, you got one... That is crazy.

That said, it sounds a little too crazy. Any chance your son is embellishing?


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## David76 (Mar 16, 2013)

How old is your son? I have 2 step kids that live with me, they don't even see their real dad and they don't call me dad. It's never been a problem for me and they have always had the choice.

You really need to speak to your ex for his side of the story, you have told your son that the OW is a bad person, he's bound not to get on with her if his 'mummy' is telling him that. I have a son who doesn't live with me, I don't think any good would come from me telling him that my ex's BF is bad. Like it or not this woman is going to be in his life as long as your ex is married to her, it's in everyone interest for them to get along. IMO


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

First - You are the only Mother of the child. Anyone else is a step parent and legal stranger. Rest assured to that.

Second - He is not "my" son, as you said it. He is the son of both you and his Father making him "our" son. I say that because of your phrasing throughout.

Third - Your Parenting(or Custody) Agreement doesn't let "him have my son on certain weekends and weeks". It identifies and guarantees the Parenting time and rights of both parents in your child's life.

Fourth - There is Parental Alienation occurring in both homes. Your ex shouldn't be telling the child to refer to anyone as "Mommy" except for yourself as the child's natural Mother. Nor should you "have told him that she was a bad person but still..."

Fifth - I'd reconsider " i hid a hot wheels car in his pocket". It teaches and reenforces deceptive behaviors.

Sixth - Vegetables are a healthy snack alternative from sugar. Oh, my kid eats cookies and all. But there's nothing wrong with giving vegetables so let that go.


I'd recommend you , your ex and the child seek out some form of group therapy towards a co-parenting solution. As long as the two of you place the child in the middle of Mommy and Daddy's battles there's going to be discord.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

First... Disclaimer: I have not been divorced however know a lot of kids that came from divorced families. I will assume I’ll get bashed.

Having two “Mom’s and Dad’s” is a ramification of a split home. Several of my friends growing up had to deal with this and multiple grandparents and relatives. Also having two different parenting styles isn’t uncommon at all. I am sorry, but you do things your way, he does them his way.


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## liifeiisabeach (Jan 5, 2013)

I have a 13 year old step daughter who has been living with us for a year now. She wanted to start calling me mom when she was 10. I explained to her that I'm not her mom, but she can call me bonus mom, or by my name. She needs to know that she has a mom, whether she's living with her or not. I do NOT think it's fair that your son HAS to call another woman mom, and is punished if he doesn't. I would definitely contact my lawyer.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Please talk to your ex. Even at 3 my d was making things up, misunderstanding, even lying. She still tries at age 8 to get us to be upset and likes to create drama.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OF COURSE Melissa is mean to him! She stole his daddy and his happy family life and made his mommy very sad indeed.

How more mean could she get??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

1a) COMMUNICATE with your ex. I dealt with this crap and I took EVERYTHING from EVERYONE with a grain of salt. I took all three stories and met somewhere in the middle. 

1b) Sit your ex down and explain mommy, mum, mummy, mom or any other "Mother" derivative is wrong. The only few allowed are Step-Mom, a legit nickname, last name or her first name.


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