# I want to move!/cost of children



## risotto20 (Mar 29, 2012)

This forum is amazing and I appreciate all who comment with advice. I just found this yesterday, wish I found it earlier. Here is a dumb question. I have asked my wife on many occassions how long we are going to live in this area. She has no plan on ever moving away. I hate it here. It is far too expensive an area to live even when both of us work. Put the cost of children in the mix and coupled with yearly unexpected cost of whatever(something always happens..car tranny, etc.) and we are paycheck to paycheck. Ahh, that brings me to another point. I would be interested in hearing FACTUAL data from the community on what children cost you...perhaps on a montly basis or what. My wife acts as though it will be free. Just to reiterate to those who have not read my other posts, I am unempoyed and my wife thinks we should start a family now. Back to the moving...it sucks here. I live in the pacific northwest and it is horrible. I have expressed interest in moving to phoenix or any other place that has sunshine. I grew up east coast but worked in sunshine states...I miss the sun and more importantly the affordable housing. I like to believe that I am always thinking wisely for both of us...my wife does not. I handle all the finances...I know who we are. She is clueless. 
A. We can't start a family now with me with no job
B. I don't want to start one here becuase I hate it here.

thoughts?


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

risotto20 said:


> This forum is amazing and I appreciate all who comment with advice. I just found this yesterday, wish I found it earlier. Here is a dumb question. I have asked my wife on many occassions how long we are going to live in this area. She has no plan on ever moving away. I hate it here. It is far too expensive an area to live even when both of us work. Put the cost of children in the mix and coupled with yearly unexpected cost of whatever(something always happens..car tranny, etc.) and we are paycheck to paycheck. Ahh, that brings me to another point. I would be interested in hearing FACTUAL data from the community on what children cost you...perhaps on a montly basis or what. My wife acts as though it will be free. Just to reiterate to those who have not read my other posts, I am unempoyed and my wife thinks we should start a family now. Back to the moving...it sucks here. I live in the pacific northwest and it is horrible. I have expressed interest in moving to phoenix or any other place that has sunshine. I grew up east coast but worked in sunshine states...I miss the sun and more importantly the affordable housing. I like to believe that I am always thinking wisely for both of us...my wife does not. I handle all the finances...I know who we are. She is clueless.
> A. We can't start a family now with me with no job
> B. I don't want to start one here becuase I hate it here.
> 
> thoughts?


1. Children are a bad idea because of finances and the fact you aren't actually communicating.
2. You sound like a controlling jerk. 
"*I* don't want to live here." (Keeping in mind she doesn't *want* to move because she has friends and family where you are, and the fact that you agreed to move there in the first place.)
"I like to believe that I am always thinking wisely for both of us..." 
"I know who we are. *She is clueless.*" 
And from the other thread- she is uncomfortable with you befriending the neighbor and you say "I'm just bummed out in general and my wife's lack of tact with this matter and *overall immature behavior* doesn't help me at all."

Your wife's mother died a few months ago and all you want to do is ***** and try to move her away from her family? 

You don't give a **** about what your wife thinks about anything- she is always wrong whether it is about being uncomfortable about your friend, where to live, and finances. All that matters to you is YOU and what YOU think "for the both of [you]." I have seen *zero* respect for your wife in either thread and it is no wonder she is not comfortable with you and the neighbor.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

See and I took as this is just another way your wife wants to control you. 

Why on earth would she be pressuring you to start a family if she thinks you are having an affair and you are unemployed? :scratchhead:


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> See and I took as this is just another way your wife wants to control you.
> 
> Why on earth would she be pressuring you to start a family if she thinks you are having an affair and you are unemployed? :scratchhead:


It's possible that she thinks he will get a job soon since he has had interviews? Not sure. Maybe she is one of those women who thinks if they have kids everything in their marriage will be fixed?

ETA: I have a hard time finding her to be the controlling one in the relationship since the OP is talking about how he does all the thinking for them. Besides... her mother passed away a few months ago. The woman is probably still grieving and might be feeling particularly vulnerable about being abandoned or it may have set her biological clock ticking.

In the end, the guy is completely ignoring her mother's death. The only reason he brought it up was to say the neighbor took care of the dog. Hardly a compassionate husband. -_-


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Cost of kids = just a little bit more than you have left over every month.

Seriously, nobody can give you an idea of what it costs to raise a kid each month. Some parents will spend hundreds of dollars on their kids each month, others will find ways to keep their cost of living the same. Then as the kids get older, their extra activities will range from free to bloody expensive, their clothing budget will have similar ranges, and so will their entertainment needs.

I guess it's the same as putting a poll up for how much it costs a couple to live each month... Some people will be living on what other people pay for coffee each month. Neither answer is wrong, but it depends on how much money you have, and what your priorities are.

+1 on the comments that you should maybe hold off on the kid thing for awhile, though... Kids rarely make your life and marriage LESS stressful.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Phoenix's economy is one of the worst in the country.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I'm not connecting your posts, just responding to what I see here. Could you have seasonal affective disorder from lack of sun? You can get very inexpensive solar lamps for tx. Might improve a LOT of things! 

In your current mental state and with the issues between you and your wife, definitely do not start a family. 

I have lived in an area I would never, ever have chosen--too cold--for 26 plus years b/c of my ex, and then b/c we have kids. I know it really gets to you. I am pretty happy most of the time despite the climate, because I choose to be. It takes a lot of mental work to choose happiness if your tendency is otherwise or you feel you do not control your feelings--but you do. Look into some books/articles on Cognitive Therapy--the Feel Good book is pretty easy to understand. You can change how you are feeling if you want. Good luck.


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## risotto20 (Mar 29, 2012)

Interesting Kitty Kat, would you like me to tell you she acted differently before her mother passed? She didn't. If you read my OP you would know that they only spoke 4-5 times a year. If that is them...how often do you think I spoke her? NEVER. She didn't know me and more importantly didn't know her daughter or any of her other children for that matter. So to your point I am not that shook up because I hardly knew the woman. I have done and continue to do whatever I can for the family and my wife and the greiving seems to be passing. Additionally, just because her family lives here doesn't mean we see them. It makes no sense to live here finacially and once you have kids your friends take a back seat so whats the point. I don't have any friends or family here but F me right. Sorry I am not the expert you were hoping for, if I was I would not be here asking questions. Feel free to stay off my threads. Before you do though let me ask you if you think it is normal for woman to think having children to 'save' a marriage is normal or just because a clock is ticking. 

ps. my wife jsut called 30 secs ago and she is going out to happy with her male friend. I'm controlling though?


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

risotto20 said:


> Interesting Kitty Kat, would you like me to tell you she acted differently before her mother passed? She didn't. If you read my OP you would know that they only spoke 4-5 times a year. If that is them...how often do you think I spoke her? NEVER. She didn't know me and more importantly didn't know her daughter or any of her other children for that matter. So to your point I am not that shook up because I hardly knew the woman. I have done and continue to do whatever I can for the family and my wife and the greiving seems to be passing. Additionally, just because her family lives here doesn't mean we see them. It makes no sense to live here finacially and once you have kids your friends take a back seat so whats the point. I don't have any friends or family here but F me right. Sorry I am not the expert you were hoping for, if I was I would not be here asking questions. *Feel free to stay off my threads. *Before you do though *let me ask you* if you think it is normal for woman to think having children to 'save' a marriage is normal or just because a clock is ticking.
> 
> ps. my wife jsut called 30 secs ago and she is going out to happy with her male friend. I'm controlling though?


Yeah, you aren't a controlling jerk whatsoever. You asked for thoughts on an open forum, I gave mine. "Stay out of my thread but before you do, do what I say" is extremely immature and controlling. You realize that is what you said, right? 

And yes, those are reactions women have, whether or not they are "normal." I don't personally identify with them, but that happens. A family member or friend passing can make a woman (or man) realize that if she dies she has no children to leave behind as a legacy, and that matters to some people. Also, some women *do* think having children will fix their situation and make their husband love them more. Either thing *is* a possibility, just like a death can make her feel vulnerable and afraid of being abandoned. *It's called emotions. We inferior women have them, and they aren't always rational. * 

I know it is more fun to just say she is immature and that she doesn't know anything, though. Screw trying to understand why she feels what she does.

BTW, it sounds like her friend is from before her relationship with you. You have not stated how long the relationship has been, but you mentioned she has been friends with him 5+ years (since grad school) and made it sound like it was before you... in which case, you accepted that she had that friend. 

If you feel uncomfortable with him then by all means, communicate that. It doesn't mean she doesn't have the right to ask you to limit how close you are to your neighbor.

As to the other aspects of your wall of text:
1. You didn't say that she DIDN'T act any differently since her mother passed away, and even if they weren't close it probably affected her. Besides, she is obviously acting differently if she wants kids all of a sudden. Related? Not necessarily, but you can't claim she hasn't changed in one breath and complain about her wanting kids the next.
2. I never said that YOU gave a **** about her mom nor did I criticize you for it, I have no idea why you are going off about how YOU never talked to her and how YOU weren't sad. *It wasn't about YOU it was about your *wife's* reaction to her mother dying, Christ.*
3. Make friends instead of *****ing about it. How do you know you would make friends wherever you want to move to, anyway?
4. You said "She has her family here and a network of friends" and that she doesn't ever want to move which implies her family and friends are important to her. You never said that she never sees family, I'm not psychic. Chances are though, it is important to her to be near them since, you know, she wants to live there and doesn't want to move.

It is still all about you. It's sad to read.


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