# Thoughts/Advice



## Polaris (Aug 21, 2013)

My new wife and I were recently married, we’re having trouble communicating. I’m going to try my best to paint you an accurate picture of both of us, warts and all, so that you have a good idea of where our differences lie.

Her: She’s extremely sensitive, and when she gets upset, it’s usually accompanied by a full scale melt down (in addition to tears, she hyperventilates, and has even thrown up before). She’s very insecure, to the point where I cannot tell a story if it tangentially involves an ex-girlfriend, nor can I mention another woman (example: a good waitress in a restaurant) without her feeling jealous. She projects her feelings on to me, and will accuse me of escalating a fight when she’s the one yelling. She’ll accuse me of intentionally trying to make her feel stupid. She’s very good at manipulating arguments. For example, she’ll get upset at me for always having to be right, and when I try to defend myself, it’s just another thing I have to be right about. Or she’ll start a sentence with a premise that I disagree with then ask me a question as if it’s already a fact. Example: “I know we talked about doing xyz together, so why did you choose to ignore me?” (when I don’t think we talked about xyz at all). If we don’t have any plans and I tell her I’m going to do something until 5, but I don’t get done until 6, she’ll accuse me of lying to her.

Me: I use humor as a defense mechanism, so when I get uncomfortable or frustrated, I laugh and shake my head. This angers her, as she feels as though I’m laughing at her (even though I’ve explained I’m not). I’m probably the only person in the world who will give you an honest assessment of myself because I’m my own harshest critic (and that hyper criticism is not something I hold anyone else to, including my wife). I suffer from depression (currently on an anti-depressant) but I generally do a good job of not letting it affect our relationship. When our arguments start, I usually try and keep a flat affect because our arguments stick with me much longer than they do her. Part of the problem is that I’m very careful about the things I say, whereas she gets riled up and says things she later says she doesn’t mean. 

I get frustrated by things I don’t understand when the only explanation given is “because that’s just what you do”. Some people think I lack empathy, but that truly is not the case. I have no problem putting myself in other people’s shoes, but even when I do that, most of the time it truly wouldn’t bother me. I also tend to talk/argue in similes because that’s just how my brain works. This is something I’m working on because it just confuses her which then leads to arguments getting off topic.

I know this may seem like a lot, and that there’s no way we can possibly be happy, but we really are for the most part. She does a good job pushing me out of my shell while I do a good job helping her relax. I just want to feel more comfortable with bringing up problems and then working them out together.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

While I'm thinking this through... how old are the two of you? How long did you date each other before your married?


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## Polaris (Aug 21, 2013)

Shes 24, im 28, and we started dating towards the end of 2010.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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