# Husband averse to sex since pre-marriage



## Sdz7242 (Apr 10, 2021)

Hi all,

I’m new here and found this forum via google after not being quite sure where to turn. Here’s a cliff notes version of my dilemma:

My husband and I will have been married for almost 2 years as of this summer (together for about 4.5 years total). Long story short, there is little-to-no interest in his part in having a sexual relationship. He’s an amazing man and all around, he’s the total package minus our sex life. When we first started seriously dating, our sex life was amazing but it progressively fizzled shortly before we got engaged.
Our lives are somewhat complicated by the fact that we are both in residency but despite our crazy work hours, the problem still persists on our days/weekends off. I have absolutely zero concerns about infidelity - he’s a standup guy and anyone who knows him would attest to that. But he’s just not interested in me sexually no matter what I do (I’ve tried everything). I’m the initiator 99.5% of the time and I’m turned down approximately 85%+ of the time. Usually, he will dodge an inevitable argument by promising to have sex “tomorrow”...And it occurs in the most lackluster manner possible the following day - him: “hey, do you wanna have sex?”...and the vanilla sex ensues to appease me, which leaves me feeling empty and unsatisfied afterwards. I feel so guilty saying that, but I can’t deny my feelings, especially when recollecting how great things were at the beginning of our relationship.
For what it’s worth, I’m very tiny, take extremely good care of myself, dress nicely, and always have my hair and makeup done to a tee. At the risk of sounding very conceded (which I totally do not mean to do), I can confidently say the issue is not due to my physical appearance.
I don’t know what it is or what to do. I’ve tried talking to him about this countless times and while he’s always open to talking about my concerns, I never seem to get an answer with any substance. The crazy part is, he “got around” quite a bit in college and medical school before we met and is open about that. He basically says he had his fun and doesn’t really care about sex anymore. But like, we are 30 yrs old, and I certainly care about sex at this point while we have the totally freedom to enjoy it before kids. And I definitely didn’t “get around” back in the day whatsoever, so having an intimate relationship with my husband is kind of a priority, ya know? He has openly told me that with his ex-gf, he knew she wasn’t the one because he “just wanted to bang her,” but when started dating me, he knew he wanted to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me...But isn’t fairly regular sex supposed to be part of the equation in a healthy marriage? We are certainly at an impasse.
Lastly (and very ironically), he wants us to have kids soon, but I’m no where near that point because I figure if we’re only getting having sex 1-3x per month as young newlyweds, what’s going to happen to our marriage with kids factored in?

has anyone dealt with this and overcome it? Any suggestions on how to get past this? I appreciate your time and I’m open to all suggestions!


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

In a lot of these stories, the husband turns out being gay. Do you think that might describe him?


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## Girlonfire (Apr 7, 2021)

Sdz7242, how is your relationship other than the sex? Are you able to effectively communicate? When you fight, are you able to resolve things or does it go on for days? Do you spend time doing other things together? 

Do NOT have children with him yet and don’t feel pressured to do so. Having kids will definitely make it worse if it’s not a resolved issue.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Seems you two are sexually mismatched. If sex is really important to you, I think you will grow even more frustrated with time and children. You are only 30... I'd know what to do...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It will only get worse. Divorce and start over. You don't say why you became engaged and married a guy who didn't want sex. What's up with that?

He may suffer from the Madonna/***** complex when it comes to you. Given his age, I'd be looking at potential affair partners of his.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Please don't start a family. At least until this is genuinely solved.

First thing to ask is did the loss of his libido coincide with any significant life events at that time (graduation, moving home, starting a new job?). You said "shortly before getting engaged" - did he ask you unpromted or did you ask or suggest or nag him into it?

Second thing is, how long was your sex life active for? Months or years?

The reason I ask these questions is because they could be clues as to what is going on here. If there has been a major change in his life it could have affected his libido. If you were still in the "new relationship energy" phase of your relationship while the sex was good, it could be that the excitement of being with someone new could have masked his generally low sexual appetite. He could be gay and in denial and is essentially need you to be his beard either consciously or subconsciously. He could be having an affair. It is interesting that you say he was quite promiscuous in college and now he is "done with that" - perhaps he has found in you someone he considers good "wife material", but he isn't as sexually attracted to you as the girls he was banging in college.

Lots of possibilities here. The reality is that you are clearly unhappy about this situation but have let it drag in for far too long (more than a few months is too long btw).

You can't talk someone into desiring you, but you can make sure that your husband knows there is a problem in your marriage and that if he doesn't work with you to address it it could cause serious damage. Remember, that talk is not about getting more sex (as you probably have been trying to do so far) it is about telling your spouse there is a problem and they need to work with you to address it. 

Potentially, if he is willing, a sex positive counsellor and/or some sensate focus might help build up intimacy. If he isn't interest after the gauntlet is thrown down then the only thing to do is go your separate ways in my opinion. If you are as you say you are, you are a good looking, well turned out, female medical professional - they will be beating down the door to snag you!


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Sdz7242 said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I’m new here and found this forum via google after not being quite sure where to turn. Here’s a cliff notes version of my dilemma:
> 
> ...


I'm going to second @AGoodFlogging in that when you discuss this problem, that you are addressing more than the sex. You need to determine if the sex is the problem or the symptom. The later will require that the two of you do some digging and try to determine what is going wrong. You might want professional help on that.

A couple of myths to dispel. First it might indeed be your appearance. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and while you may conform to the standards of many, that doesn't automatically mean you conform to his. That said, that doesn't mean that he is conscious of it either. He could find you ascetically pleasing, but not sexually so. Again, this is simply a possibility that needs to be explored in your discussions, not a probability. Also regular sex is not necessarily part of a healthy marriage. Often it is, but not for everyone. It might not be part of one for him. Again, another possibility, not necessarily probability. But failure to explore and reject possibilities can lead to missing the problem. So cover the bases.

So what if the sex is the problem and not the symptom? That depends upon you and him and how you see marriage. One option is an open marriage. I will repeat what I say often. No form of Ethical Non Monogamy will fix a broken marriage. It is not a heal for other problems that makes sex issues a symptom. However, if the only problem is sex, it has been the solution for many. I can make suggestions as to where to look for more detailed non-judgmental information.

But most people are not able to deal with such a thing. So then you have to decide how important sex is to you. And no you are not shallow if you insist that sex be a major factor in your marriage. It's shouldn't be the largest factor, but there is nothing wrong with it being a deal breaker as well. This is the rest of your life we are talking about, if you are holding to the strictest monogamy.

As the others have said. NO CHILDREN. Not until you resolve this. And children are fine if you decide to ENM. There are plenty of children out there with parents who engage in ENM. Some know, others don't. That would be up to you two if you took that path. But the issue needs to be resolved first before children can be a part of the equation.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

So as a sexual pursuer I can say that 3x a month for me is dead and worthy of leaving and I am 20 years your senior.

You need to look at your own behavior and see if there is anything you’re doing that is making you unattractive to him. Maybe there is, maybe there isn’t. In my case there were many things I identified so I stopped doing them or started fixing them.

I also had the talk with my wife twice.

The first time I had the talk with her I was like hey we need to fix this or it will ultimately lead to me leaving and divorce. The second time was a follow up talk a few weeks later on initiation where we reached a compromise. Since then I haven’t talked with her again about it and that was maybe 8 months ago now. There will not be another talk, we both know the deal now. Having the talk repeatedly is unattractive and weak, lay it down hard.

I also asked her during the talk what her brakes were and tried to think of I could reduce or eliminate any of the things that were making her adverse. Turns out yes, there were things I could do so I did all of them. Note she didn’t suggest any of these things she just told me her brakes.

Any of these may or may not help. All of the research I did on this was based on male HL or sexual pursuer. In my case I also knew my wife at one point was doing me multiple times a day. So she had it in there somewhere and some combination of things stopped it. If you have never had that then things would be more hopeless but if you’re HL in the first place and were never “getting it” properly then why are you with a LL in the first place? Dunno...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

First off DO NOT HAVE KIDS!!!

Kids can turn hot, passionate relationships into sexless marriages. If you bring kids into this mess, you may never have sex again and now you’ve complicated divorce a million fold. 

People that deny and reject you sexually will often say that having kids will bring you “closer”, but that is a lie. That is just a line they tell you to manipulate you into giving them what they want. It will actually make the sex issue much WORSE. 

The other posters have all offered good input, but I want to throw something else out there. 

I have been in the health care field for almost 40 years and have seen countless relationships of male med students and residents fade away like a fart in the wind. 

Many are the nerds and science geeks that didn’t develop social or relationship skills in their formative years, then started having girls throw themselves at them when they got into med school and residency. 

And med school/residency is such a harsh life, they tend to cling to other med student/residents as those about the only other people that understand the time constraints and the lifestyle demands being placed on them and about the only other people whose schedules can somewhat jive with theirs. 

A lot of residents will have the temporary girl to hold down the fort and keep him company and comfort until he gets out of residency/fellowship and has an idea of where he will practice and then at that point he can basically pick and choose whichever chick he wants. 

Med school and residency are a very unstable and dynamic time for a med student/resident to be getting married and a very high risk venture for both.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Issues need to be resolved before children brought in to the mix.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Galabar01 said:


> In a lot of these stories, the husband turns out being gay. Do you think that might describe him?


He didn't seem gay in college? 

I'll beat @CatholicDad to the punch. Check his porn habit.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

This is my answer based on all the stories I have seen around this place:

ITS NEVER GOING TO GET BETTER.....so decide the following:

1. Can you put up with it for the rest of you life and possibly find out he is gay/bi ... perhaps after you have a kid or two with him?

2. Are you willing to divorce over no sex.

It might sound odd but you are not nearly the first woman to show up under these circumstances.......and wouldn’t be the first to experience line item #1


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