# Getting over my Partner's Sexual Past



## ThoughtsUnknown (Sep 22, 2014)

Hello All - I have joined this site for some input as I am really struggling with this issue I have of my partner's sexual past which I was aware of prior to dating her.

Here's the situation:

We have been together for 10 years and married for about 5. This is a same sex-marriage of two women and am hoping this doesn't become a thread of bashing me.

We met when she was 20 and I was 21 and we became really close friends. We dated others while we were best friend as it was strictly platonic. She was very let's say sexual in the sense that she would sleep around with people or sleep with her ex and say she didn't like it and she didn't want to say no and felt bad. I mean to make it even more confusing as her friend she would tell me they would kiss and she just wouldn't say no and when they started to have sex she wouldn't want to do it and just lay there and then the guys would just stop after 1 minute or two and ask if everything was okay and then they would stop because she wasn't responding to them.

All in all in a span of a year and half she slept with 9 guys and 5 girls and also went back and slept with her ex boyfriend. Before I knew her she had a threesome with a couple which I don't even see how that was possible considering what a prude she comes off as and how she thinks.

Anyhow, I knew of all of this because we were best friends. I never slept with any men or women for the matter so she was my first person I was intimate with beyond kissing. It is not like she is even a super sex freak at all in general so it makes me even more confused about her sexual past. I knew her only 5 months before she and I became an item as well, but we had an instant connection as friends.

We argued a lot about her past when we started dating and I really was disgusted with her because to me she seemed like this used car with multiple owners and I was just disgusted by her. I sometimes wouldn't even want to touch her or I would be the extreme where I wanted to really be degrading to her when we made love, etc.

Things were really bad, but we still stayed together and I am not sure if it was more the friendship or what, but 3 years we lived together and then at 6 years got married. We have a beautiful one year old daughter now that she carried and I plan on carrying our next child, but I really didn't struggle with her past until recently again. It's like before I was able to just forget about it, and for some reason I am beginning to be bothered about it. I don't want to be bothered about it, I mean these are things that happened before she knew me and most importantly I knew about them before we even started dating (I must say I was torn on dating her because first she was a girl (only girl I have ever kissed or liked) and 2nd because even though she was my friend, I thought she was a **** that would have sex with everyone).

Has anyone felt this way before and pinpointed why you felt this way where sometimes you don't even want to kiss your spouse or you're just disgusted with it? I mean I don't want to do what I did to her earlier in our relationship which curiosity got the best of me because there are things I wish I didn't know, but I basically drilled her to tell me every single detail about all of her sexual encounters. I know I shouldn't care because she is with me and is 100% devoted. She is absolutely amazing, and I am very lucky to have her as she is the most caring person I have ever met. I just struggle with the person she was before I met her and while i met her to the person she is now. I guess I don't see how those are the same people?

I don't even know why I am bothered by it, and I can't really find the root cause, and I wish I could figure it out so I can get over it as I don't want to feel this way at all. I don't want to hate her for someone she was, when she is amazing now. Thoughts, help suggestions?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm not really sure why you would be so bothered by her past. I can understand not getting involved with someone because you feel your values are too different, but I don't get why you got involved with her in the first place if you were so disgusted by her?

Anything either of you did prior to meeting, is none of the other's business. Also remember you were both very young, she may have been confused and experimenting...who knows?

Why does it matter now?


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I'm not sure why you are on again and off again with it bothering you. See you knew who she was and what she had done, yet you still decided to date her, then marry her. 

Now, there is a child involved and you are going back to being mad about her past before she was with you. 

Are you insecure about any aspect of your relationship? Do you think she is cheating on you? Or that she may cheat on you? Maybe you think she isn't sexually satisfied? I don't know, the situation is different for everyone. Sometimes, it's just plain ole jealousy that someone was with your partner before you. Other times it's insecurities in the relationship. 

Personally, I don't believe a person should be condemned based on what they did when they were younger or prior to a relationship. I also don't think it's fair that you are fighting with her over this since you knew it before you married her.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

are there any details about her past you are curious about? Keep playing scenarios over and over in your mind?

If so, get naked with her, and have her describe each sex act you are interested in, in total detail. Let her be as ****ty as possible indoing it, maybe even stroking you as she does. tell her to hold back no detail.

Then, after it is all done, it will be over. Nothing left. Nothing to think about anymore. Move on from that point and NEVER look back


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I have Always felt that your SO past is relevant. Past behavior can often be an indication of future behavior In some circumstances. I think people need to be on the same page about their values and how they align with the other person. I could never be with someone who wouldn't answer questions about their past as I will always answer anything about mine. I want someone inline with me so that's the only way to find out is by asking and having an open dialog.

That being said these kinds of things need to be flushed out early. You have been with this same woman for years and this is still bothering you. This is more about you now than her. I blame this on age mostly cause I think when you get older you look at your own value system and apply what you're willing to compromise on and what your not early on in relationships. But you didn't do that here

So you have now really only two choices. Either find a way to move past this or move on to someone else. What you are doing now is torturing yourself and her for something neither of you can change. That can't make either of you happy.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

ThoughtsUnknown said:


> We met when she was 20 and I was 21 and we became really close friends. We dated others while we were best friend as it was strictly platonic. She was very let's say sexual in the sense that *she would sleep around with people or sleep with her ex and say she didn't like it and she didn't want to say no and felt bad.* I mean to make it even more confusing as her friend she would tell me they would kiss and she just wouldn't say no and *when they started to have sex she wouldn't want to do it and just lay there and then the guys would just stop after 1 minute or two and ask if everything was okay and then they would stop because she wasn't responding to them.*


It certainly doesn't sound like she was enjoying any of her sexual experiences. It sounds highly dysfunctional, actually.

Do you know much about her childhood? There's usually a reason why a 20 year old has dysfunctional sex that she says made her feel bad and caused her to completely shut down in the middle of it. 

It might be better to try and understand what was going on with her, rather than just judging her.



> We argued a lot about her past when we started dating and I really was disgusted with her because to me she seemed like this used car with multiple owners and I was just disgusted by her. I sometimes wouldn't even want to touch her or I would be the extreme where I wanted to really be degrading to her when we made love, etc.


Why in the world would you date someone, and marry them, when you thought this way? 

I hope you weren't _actually _abusive and degrading to her, though you wanted to be.

Do you still feel that way? If so, please get out of this marriage.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

norajane said:


> It certainly doesn't sound like she was enjoying any of her sexual experiences. It sounds highly dysfunctional, actually.
> 
> Do you know much about her childhood? There's usually a reason why a 20 year old has dysfunctional sex that she says made her feel bad and caused her to completely shut down in the middle of it.


I picked up on the same thing. It sounds to me that there could possibly CSA involved...as "shutting down" during sex could be a dissociative response to past trauma.

Her past wild promiscuity could certainly be a result from past abuse as well.

OP, I think if there are some major intimacy issues in the relationship...then it is worth trying to resolve. If you have such strong feelings about something, then it is important to talk about them...but it doesn't always mean that it is your partner that is responsible for them. If she, in some way, is consciously trying to hurt you that would be one thing...but she isn't.

I wonder if your anger/insecurity may have to do with the lack of reconciliation she had made with her past. And yes, while you do sense a strong commitment to each other, it feels like this undealt past may feel like an area you cannot reach or account for because she hasn't accounted for it herself.

At the same time "disgust" is associated with an emotion of wanting to completely reject someone on a physical level...having lost respect because of deep seeded contempt. I appreciate your honesty about this. I guess the question is: do you believe you can turn this around and are you willing to patiently do the work for it...or do you think the negative feelings are about to erode your ability to want to stay in the relationship? Do you feel robbed because of her past? Are there areas in your relationship that YOU KNOW are being affected because of her present behaviors that are unmistakeably linked to her past?


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

ThoughtsUnknown said:


> Anyhow, I knew of all of this because we were best friends. I never slept with any men or women for the matter so she was my first person I was intimate with beyond kissing. It is not like she is even a super sex freak at all in general so it makes me even more confused about her sexual past. I knew her only 5 months before she and I became an item as well, but we had an instant connection as friends.
> 
> We argued a lot about her past when we started dating and I really was disgusted with her because to me she seemed like this used car with multiple owners and I was just disgusted by her.


First, disgust is a very strong word. It’s right up there with “hate” to me. I am disgusted by the sight of and smell of vomit and maggots but not people that I love. To feel such a visceral reaction about her sexual history should have told you that this is not the person for you. Not judging your wife’s actions or your moral objections to them. I am questioning though, the decision to forge a relationship and later marriage and then co-parenting relationship with someone you were disgusted by. I do not feel it’s fair to your wife to agree to do any of those things with her knowing how repulsed you were on some level by her.



ThoughtsUnknown said:


> I sometimes wouldn't even want to touch her or I would be the extreme where I wanted to really be degrading to her when we made love, etc.


Second, I appreciate your honesty in sharing this bit with us. That took courage. I’m assuming on some level you know this is wrong and really messed up though right? To be blunt, it was abusive. If a man treated me that way...especially during sex I would be out of there. 

Other people have picked up about prior past trauma so I won't touch on that here. As an outsider looking in, what I have seen with some of my Gay, Lesbian and Bi friends when they were growing up (late teens, early twenties) is that many of them were promiscuous when young. This was especially true for some before they came out to family and broader friends. I don’t know if it was struggling to or experimenting to determine what their identity was but I know men and women in the LGBT who slept around quite a bit before they made peace with what their sexual identity was and committed or (I say this half jokingly) “picked a team”. 

To me it looked like they were young and trying to be sure that this is who they really were inside and the most efficient way for them to be sure was to actually try things out. At least to me it made sense given that we lived in a smaller, rural city and bigotry of all types whether targeted to LGBT’s or minorities was always there whether lurking or in your face. So it made sense that those friends experimented a lot before really committing to who they were because there was a price to pay for coming out.

(Disclaimer, I know straight people who were promiscuous growing up too. I’m not trying to make this all a LGBT issue because it’s not...just commenting on what I’ve seen with some of my friends who happen to be gay, lesbian or bi and what they did growing up.) So I don’t know if any of this may be true for your wife as well, but if it is it may help to explain to you why she did what she did.

ETA: I do think the potential of past abuse is another plausible explanation for promiscuity. If that's the case, it would be even worse to continue with the degrading in order to punish, sex acts... not that you should need a reason other than that being messed up to do but that'd be even worse to do on your part I'd imagine. 


But here’s the long and short of it all. Before your wife met you and when she was friends with you and divulging this information to you; bluntly put, in terms of her sexual chastity or expression SHE OWED YOU NOTHING. She owed no chastity, virginity, lack of experience to you – someone she at 20, 19, 18, 17, 16 or whatever age she was when she did all of this couldn’t even foresee a relationship with you where this would be a problem because you weren’t an item and possibly didn’t even know each other yet. So any sense of entitlement or feeling robbed or cheated by her that you have from not having a chaster version of her is just not rational. 

This is even more so the case because she told you all of this BEFORE you decided to begin a relationship with her. You were aware of her past from the beginning. Not just duped into believing she was a virgin bride or you’d be her first and last and then found out after the fact. If that were the case, I’d be more sympathetic but since you’ve said it’s not, my sympathy is mostly with her. 

So what do I, (random Internet stranger) think you should you do?

In short, I think counseling is a good idea. For you to get over this issue and if needed, couple’s counseling so you can both work through any additional problems your bad feelings about her past have brought into your past together, your present or will no doubt bring into your future.

But this of course is only if A) you love her and B) you’re willing to change.

Her past may never sit right with you but I don't think it ought to affect your present. Assuming she was a good girlfriend, has been a good wife, has never cheated on you, is a good mother to your current child and you foresee her being a good mother to your future planned child, you need to let this go.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

OP, your feeling are completely natural.

Unfortunately it's your brain playing tricks on you. And you need to learn how to deflect that.

Truth is, your wife's prior relationships are completely irrelevant to your current relationship. I think you made a HUGE mistake asking her this info (although I know some of it you simply knew by being her friend/around her). Regardless, she shouldn't share her past.....and you should never ask a lady about it either (this applies to men as well).

This sort of info CAN ONLY DO HARM. Nothing good can ever come of that.

At this point, when your brain brings up these thoughts, deflect them and DO NOT let them effect you. 

Mind/mental control is a unique ability that us human have.....yet most never use them.

If you practice it, in time, these feels will be NOTHING when they come up.

To sum it up, her past will ONLY hurt you as much as you allow it.

I would also recommend that you apologize to your wife about nagging her about her past. Tell her you were wrong and express to her that her past is irrelevant. Your only concern is YOUR relationship with her.

Hope that helps, good luck

PS. Guess how I know, I've been on your boat. Now that boat is a battleship cause I made it one!


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

Thoughts Unkown, you my friend are eat up with an ocd condition called retroactive jealousy. Welcome to the festival of fools.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ThoughtsUnknown said:


> Anyhow, I knew of all of this because we were best friends.
> 
> We argued a lot about her past when we started dating and *I really was disgusted with her because to me she seemed like this used car with multiple owners and I was just disgusted by her.* I sometimes wouldn't even want to touch her or I would be the extreme where I wanted to really be degrading to her when we made love, etc.
> 
> ...


My thoughts are that you knew all of this before you got with her, ten years ago and you are still holding it over her head, resenting her and feeling contempt for her actions prior to becoming involved with her. You knew about her history, grilled her about it and hate her for it. That's on you.

If I were her, I would prob not want a relationship with you. It does not need seem you respect her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Miss Taken said:


> First, disgust is a very strong word. It’s right up there with “hate” to me. I am disgusted by the sight of and smell of vomit and maggots but not people that I love.
> 
> I do not feel it’s fair to your wife to agree to do any of those things with her knowing how repulsed you were on some level by her.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

norajane said:


> Why in the world would you date someone, and marry them, when you thought this way?
> 
> I hope you weren't _actually _abusive and degrading to her, though you wanted to be.
> 
> Do you still feel that way? If so, please get out of this marriage.


:iagree:



staarz21 said:


> I'm not sure why you are on again and off again with it bothering you. See you knew who she was and what she had done, yet you still decided to date her, then marry her. I also don't think it's fair that you are fighting with her over this since you knew it before you married her.


:iagree:


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

It's natural to feel this way.
But, you married her knowing this about her past.
You then brought a child into the marriage.
You don't get to have "buyer's remorse" after making those choices.
If she is a good person and a good mother and a good wife TODAY you must give it your all on a daily basis to make your marriage and family successful. And giving it your all involves probably individual counseling to help you stop fixating on what you cannot change.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

The mind movies and such that are tormenting you are by your own design. My situation is alot like yours. You have to remember the most important rule when dealing with RJ, this is your issue, not hers. Dont take it out on her. You knew all of this going in, just like I did. Your insecurities and such is what makes your own mind your worse enemy. You got to fight that sh*t tooth and nail dude. Past cant be changed, nothing to do about it but try to cope and find a way to deal. Its hard, been dealing with it for 12 years now. It gets better, but it never goes away.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

ThoughtsUnknown said:


> I know I shouldn't care because she is with me and is 100% devoted. She is absolutely amazing, and I am very lucky to have her as she is the most caring person I have ever met. I just struggle with the person she was before I met her and while i met her to the person she is now. I guess I don't see how those are the same people?
> 
> I don't even know why I am bothered by it, and I can't really find the root cause, and I wish I could figure it out so I can get over it as I don't want to feel this way at all. I don't want to hate her for someone she was, when she is amazing now. Thoughts, help suggestions?


So your marriage is great with her now. I presume you have frequent and satisfying sex with her.

Something I have observed is that when a virgin man marries a woman who isn't, there are frequently very big emotional issues. LordHavoc mentioned RJ, which may be part of it but there is also an inward aspect. You may be wondering how you fit in, and perhaps are you at some kind of disadvantage because she knows something you don't (you don't know what it is like to have slept with others).

I think individual counseling for you would help. You need to talk this out over a period of time with someone who can help you find that root cause.

Others have brought up the possibility of her having a traumatic past. Your description certainly fits the mold for that. But as long as she is functioning well in life and is a good spouse, her past traumas (if there are any) don't matter. It is a valid piece of information to keep in the back of your mind if she starts showing distress and would be helpful in finding the right kind of help for her. But as long as she is ok now I wouldn't pursue that angle at all. It may simply explain why she acted out sexually the way she did when younger.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Lordhavok said:


> Thoughts Unkown, you my friend are eat up with an ocd condition called retroactive jealousy. *Welcome to the festival of fools*.


Very well put! It is extremely foolish to be jealous/hurt/upset with the sexual history of a spouse.

And I'm glad you called it an OCD condition because this RJ makes NO sense at all to me.


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## ThoughtsUnknown (Sep 22, 2014)

All - Thank you for the advice and input.

I want to start of by first stating, I do not actually degrade her when we make love. Not saying my thoughts are any better as they're disrespectful to her, but sometimes I feel like degrading her because of her promiscuous past. (I haven't felt this way in like 6 year though).

I am not asking whether or not I need to get out of the relationship as I want to remain in the relationship because I love her very much. The issue I am challenged with here is that I don't know why I get disgusted with her from time to time. Again it has been like 2 years or something since this has even been an issue for me and I am not sure why it just won't go away.

She doesn't know I am bothered by this still and I don't bring it up to her as I'm trying to work it out. Our relationship is awesome right now and we have a healthy sex life and relationship all the way around.

In the beginning of my relationship with her when I would drill her on why she would do these disgusting acts she did mention that she was not sure whether or not she was molested as a child as she doesn't know if she made it up in her head or if it was actually reality. So that was also confusing, but makes sense now that may have happened to her instead of her thinking it never did.

As mentioned before if this is an "insecurity" I have what am I insecure about? I can't pinpoint it being an insecurity and that is even more frustrating if that is the case. She has never cheated on me or even alluded to want other people. She is actually really obsessed with me (not really obsessed), but treats me amazing. She is suffocating which I actually like.

So I do know it is something I am personally struggling to accept, but I don't know what it is I am trying to accept and that is what is frustrating me. I mean I can only pinpoint it to my morals and beliefs, but at the same time again I knew all of this about her before she and I started a relationship, but I think I loved her so much as a friend, and when she first kissed me I didn't kiss her back and didn't talk to her for a day or two because I was so confused on what was happening.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

ThoughtsUnknown said:


> All - Thank you for the advice and input.
> 
> I want to start of by first stating, I do not actually degrade her when we make love. Not saying my thoughts are any better as they're disrespectful to her, but sometimes I feel like degrading her because of her promiscuous past. (I haven't felt this way in like 6 year though).
> 
> ...


See my previous post. Your brain is simply tricking you.

You said it yourself, your relationship is fine, so don't go around creating problems.

manage your mental state/thoughts as they come up and deflect them.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

the food is terrible and the portions are not big enough


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## ThoughtsUnknown (Sep 22, 2014)

Hi FormerSelf- You know that could be it. 

I think the fact that she has no reconciliation with her past bothers me. Like it is so wishy washy. Again if she came out and was like yes I wanted to have sex with these guys because I was hot for them, I'd be like okay she is like a lot of my friends who went through this skank phase, but it confuses me when she tells me I didn't want to, but then she'd have sex with like multiple guys in a month is very confusing to me.

I mean really thinking about what you've said that may be exactly the issue. Since she doesn't have a clear understanding of the past it confuses me as I don't know how I am supposed to feel and I don't know who this person is and what else she is confused about. I mean she says with the guy she didn't want to have sex with them, but then she'd have sex with girls and really enjoy it. She would bounce around from girl to girl as well, and she said she had a mental connection with them and I was able to understand that. As there was some form of meaning behind the act. I mean she identifies herself as a lesbian where I do not because asides from her I have only been attracted to men. 

Again the sex with the men she said she didn't know why she did it and like someone mentioned before it was dysfunctional with exception to her 1st.

Perhaps she was a Lesbian and was trying to like being with a male so she had sex with multiple men?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Ever hear the phrase "methinks he doth protest too much." As you blithely categorize your wife's sexual history as disgusting, revolting, and all around poor behavior and bad decision making, did it ever occur to you that perhaps your jealous that you DIDN'T have wild and crazy sexual encounters? Perhaps your own inhibition kept you from fully enjoying and experiencing a broad range of sexual experiences and maybe on some level you regret that? Perhaps it is easier to demonize your wife's sense of sexual freedom than it is to find your own sense of sexual freedom?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

ThoughtsUnknown said:


> In the beginning of my relationship with her when *I would drill her on why she would do these disgusting acts *she did mention that she was not sure whether or not she was molested as a child as she doesn't know if she made it up in her head or if it was actually reality. So that was also confusing, but makes sense now that may have happened to her instead of her thinking it never did.
> 
> As mentioned before if this is an "insecurity" I have what am I insecure about? I can't pinpoint it being an insecurity and that is even more frustrating if that is the case.





> We argued a lot about her past when we started dating and *I really was disgusted with her because to me she seemed like this used car *with multiple owners and I was just disgusted by her.


Start with thinking about where YOUR views of sex came from and how they were formed.

For example, why did you think her acts were "disgusting"? Just because she had sex with other people? Do you think sex is disgusting? Sex with men is disgusting? Sex with anyone but you is disgusting? 

Also, where did you get the idea that having sex with multiple people makes a person "like a used car with multiple owners"? If you were to get divorced or become a widow, would you find someone else to love and have sex with? And if so, would you think of _yourself _as a used car since you are no longer fresh off the car lot? What if your new lover that you fell in love with dumped you or cheated on you, and you eventually got into a new relationship - would you then consider yourself even dirtier and used up? 

Not everyone holds these perspectives on sexuality. Give some thought to how you formed them.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"....this skank phase"

The bottom line is that you think your wife is a skank. There's not much room for either of you to grow from there. You have a right to your feelings, but they have locked you into skank prison.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

where is this skank prison you speak of and what crime do I need to commit to get locked in there?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

All you have to do is concentrate really hard about how dirty and gross sex is, and then you'll see skanks all around you, including in the mirror.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> All you have to do is concentrate really hard about how dirty and gross sex is, and then you'll see skanks all around you, including in the mirror.


and I don't even have to click my ruby slipper heels together?


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## ThoughtsUnknown (Sep 22, 2014)

Hi- I actually agree with many advice given to me by others on here, but you seem to be off point quite a bit.

I chose to remain a virgin until marriage as those are my beliefs. I think society is going down hill and the way the media encourages conformity for those to have some sexual **** college phase is disturbing to me. It has nothing to do with me wishing I could have had that as I could have, but that is not the type of person I am.

Would appreciate you no longer trying to provide your $0.02 as you're completely off base.

Have a great day.



Anon Pink said:


> Ever hear the phrase "methinks he doth protest too much." As you blithely categorize your wife's sexual history as disgusting, revolting, and all around poor behavior and bad decision making, did it ever occur to you that perhaps your jealous that you DIDN'T have wild and crazy sexual encounters? Perhaps your own inhibition kept you from fully enjoying and experiencing a broad range of sexual experiences and maybe on some level you regret that? Perhaps it is easier to demonize your wife's sense of sexual freedom than it is to find your own sense of sexual freedom?


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## ThoughtsUnknown (Sep 22, 2014)

My parents met one another when they were incredibly young and only slept with one another.

Same goes for my older brother, and my other brother well he has slept with like 4 people he cared about.

Now, I do not agree with casual sex or however society is turning. If people want to go bang each that is disgusting to me as sex to me shouldn't be casual it should be with someone you love not just to get off.





norajane said:


> Start with thinking about where YOUR views of sex came from and how they were formed.
> 
> For example, why did you think her acts were "disgusting"? Just because she had sex with other people? Do you think sex is disgusting? Sex with men is disgusting? Sex with anyone but you is disgusting?
> 
> ...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

ThoughtsUnknown said:


> Hi- I actually agree with many advice given to me by others on here, but you seem to be off point quite a bit.
> 
> I chose to remain a virgin until marriage as those are my beliefs. I think society is going down hill and the way the media encourages conformity for those to have some sexual **** college phase is disturbing to me. It has nothing to do with me wishing I could have had that as I could have, but that is not the type of person I am.


and that's fine to hold that value so highly

so the question that begs to be asked, why did you get together with a partner that doesn't share that value? (which is clearly very important to you)

if everything is great except this then I suggest you find some manner of letting it go as long as your partner stays true


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I'm no longer a Christian but I still think there is wisdom in the serenity prayer.

Grant me the serenity to *accept *the things I cannot change,

the courage to *change the things I can*; and

the wisdom to know the difference.​
Glad to hear that you did not actually demean her during sex. Although the thoughts are a bit disturbing, it's surely better than acting them out. Phew! lol. Sorry but that part of your OP really struck a nerve with me. 

Anywho, I copied the above prayer, not to proselytize religion but because I think there's wisdom in it. 

You love your wife, it sounds like you have a great marriage now except for the ghosts of her past haunting your mind. The only choice you have really is to accept this then. You can't change it, she can't take it back. What you can change is how you let this affect you today. 

You may never know why it bothers you so much. It sounds like you trust her and she hasn't given you a reason not to trust her fidelity to you. Many people's views on sex come from their upbringing. Slvt shaming was/is a very prevalent phenomenon so there is stigma when it comes to women who were promiscuous...more so than men. Also, it may feel to you that the sex you have with her is not as special because she's been there/done that and maybe it bothers you that she doesn't have any "firsts" together.

Well, that's just a couple of guesses by me anyhow. You don't seem to know so I'm throwing them out there. If any of the latter I wrote above is true for you, then again... you can change your perspective. Sex with you I'd imagine IS special for her regardless of what she's done before. She was and is in love with you. Given the ages you were when you met and that it's been ten years, I doubt she was in love with any of her previous suitors/lovers. What the two of you have is special. She's your wife, you're hers and you're each others partners in life, in parenting etc. Something she didn't have with anyone else. So her past simply can't hold a candle to that, can it?

Going forward, I would also advise to keep your wife's positive qualities and the reasons you fell in love with her in the first place in the forefront of your mind. Anytime those nasty feelings pop into your mind about her past, make an effort to force yourself to think about three things you love about her in the present. On the spot. Each and every time. If you have a hard time remembering to do this - where a rubber band on your wrist and anytime you dwell on her past snap that ish hard! 

Alternatively, instead of or in addition to remembering her good qualities, instead of letting those feelings of disgust consume you in the moment - when they come up, go up to your wife and give her a hug or a kiss or tell her you love her, make her a nice cup of tea/coffee or grab a beer (show her some kind of token of affection/appreciation). The whole point of this is to be more positive all around let the good feelings and love overshadow the bad. I think if you try hard to think more positively instead of dwelling on the negative, soon you will get over all of this. 

Although not related to your problem, around year four of my relationship, I was in a funk and feeling negatively about my spouse more often than I felt good or loving. One of the things I did to change my attitude was to keep a gratitude book for a week and then I did so for a month. It helped get those good ole loving feelings back. Every nice thing he said or did - no matter how small, I wrote it down in this book every single day. It could be big like getting me a gift or a 30 minute massage or small like calling me on his way home to ask if I needed anything like to pick up milk (just general thoughtfulness). I wrote it down and when I was feeling cranky or unappreciative towards him, I read from that journal. 

Those pages filled up quick...so did my heart.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> and I don't even have to click my ruby slipper heels together?


:rofl:



ThoughtsUnknown said:


> I chose to remain a virgin until marriage as those are my beliefs. I think society is going down hill and the way the media encourages conformity for those to have some sexual **** college phase is disturbing to me.


Ok. And just like you chose to remain a virgin, your wife didn't. 

If this was such a problem for you before, I truly do not understand why in the world you married her and chose to make a life with her, a decade ago.



ThoughtsUnknown said:


> Would appreciate you no longer trying to provide your $0.02 as you're completely off base.


Eh, you came to an open forum asking for thoughts, help and suggestions, so that is what you are getting. 

I don't think Anon is so far off either: 



Anon Pink said:


> As you blithely categorize your wife's sexual history as disgusting, revolting, and all around poor behavior and bad decision making


Those words are the pretty strong and you've stated several times now that you feel so "disgusted" by your wife's past. "Disgusted" is a whole new level of resentment and contempt for someone you say you love. 

It seems to be some self-loathing thing or maybe you are projecting something onto your wife; or maybe you just never were ok with this and did something totally crazy like marry her and have a child together, knowing full-well you detested this part of her. 

Imagine your partner thinking that you "disgust" her. I think you would be horrified and feel really dejected if you were in her shoes. 

This ultimately goes back to the fact that you knew this about her and chose to make a life with her anyway.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> and I don't even have to click my ruby slipper heels together?


Just keep reading this thread, that will do it. But put the shoes on anyway (cracks whip) and dance for me!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> and that's fine to hold that value so highly
> so the question that begs to be asked, why did you get together with a partner that doesn't share that value? (which is clearly very important to you)


:iagree:


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> Just keep reading this thread, that will do it. But put the shoes on anyway (cracks whip) and dance for me!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ThoughtsUnknown said:


> We argued a lot about her past when we started dating and I really was disgusted with her because to me she seemed like this used car with multiple owners and I was just disgusted by her. I sometimes wouldn't even want to touch her or I would be the extreme where I wanted to really be degrading to her when we made love, etc.


Does she know this? Because if you told her you felt disgusted by her and that you thought she was a used car with multiple cars and she went on to marry you anyway, then devils' advocate , tat's on her. I certainly would not have married someone who thought of me that way.



ThoughtsUnknown said:


> We have a beautiful one year old daughter now that she carried and I plan on carrying our next child, but I really didn't struggle with her past until recently again.


Do not have another child if you are feeling this way about your wife.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Wow so many posts during my own...

Well OP,

You've said it yourself where your values towards sex and hang ups with promiscuity came from. The use of "skank" is very telling and judgy. I'd be interested to hear, what exactly is it about having multiple partners that makes someone a bad person? Suppose they're not cheating on anyone, the sex is consensual and they use protection to avoid STD's. Outside of what you've been taught or by your parents or believe because of religion or wherever those values come from - what makes them so bad or disgusting in your opinion?


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> All you have to do is concentrate really hard about how dirty and gross sex is, and then you'll see skanks all around you, including in the mirror.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

ThoughtsUnknown said:


> My parents met one another when they were incredibly young and only slept with one another.
> 
> Same goes for my older brother, and my other brother well he has slept with like 4 people he cared about.
> 
> Now, I do not agree with casual sex or however society is turning. If people want to go bang each that is disgusting to me as sex to me shouldn't be casual it should be with someone you love not just to get off.


I feel just like you, and most people are like above and usually have handful of sexual partners in their life. TO ME, sex without feelings/affection or relationship is not only worthless it's harmful.

But that doesn't anything else is wrong. Part of maturity is accepting that not everyone is the same. World would be boring if that was the case.

As I like to say "whatever floats that boat".

If you like to sleep around, that's fine. Your wife might have been there at some point, but maybe needed experience to accept that "that is not her" and now she realizes what she really likes.

Don't hate her for that. 

Love the person you have for who they are, not their mistakes/past. Be optimistic and positive about it, not negative.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Very well put! It is extremely foolish to be jealous/hurt/upset with the sexual history of a spouse.
> 
> And I'm glad you called it an OCD condition because this RJ makes NO sense at all to me.


Those that dont experience it first hand usually do not. It makes no sense to the partner, and the one suffering from it cannot make sense of it either. Its a splinter in the mind that is constantly eating away at your core. Triggers are everywhere you look and watch.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Lordhavok said:


> Those that dont experience it first hand usually do not. It makes no sense to the partner, and the one suffering from it cannot make sense of it either. Its a splinter in the mind that is constantly eating away at your core. Triggers are everywhere you look and watch.


I do suppose this is true. 

It used to bother me a tiny bit that my spouse fvcked a girl in a canoe. So I did him on the dock... so over it lol.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

ThoughtsUnknown said:


> All - Thank you for the advice and input.
> 
> She doesn't know I am bothered by this still and I don't bring it up to her as I'm trying to work it out. Our relationship is awesome right now and we have a healthy sex life and relationship all the way around.
> 
> This is excellent, again, your issue not hers, so fix this on your own. Looks like your on the right track. This has worked better for me over the years. Dont ask about all that stuff in her past dude. Your just going to get info that you dont want to hear and it just makes things that much worse. The more you know, the more questions will come up and the more your going to try to rationalize what she did and why, let it go, I know its easier said than done.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Miss Taken said:


> my spouse fvcked a girl in a canoe.



also known as a "Coors Light" (since it is fvcking close to water)


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

ThoughtsUnknown said:


> My parents met one another when they were incredibly young and only slept with one another.
> 
> Same goes for my older brother, and my other brother well he has slept with like 4 people he cared about.
> 
> Now, I do not agree with casual sex or however society is turning. If people want to go bang each that is disgusting to me as sex to me shouldn't be casual it should be with someone you love not just to get off.


It seems pretty clear to me that your wife was not having casual sex just to get off. Not if she was shutting down in the middle of it, not if she said it felt bad to her.

She wasn't having fun and games. She was suffering. Can you feel compassion for her at all?

She's not the same person now, and the sex she is having with you is nothing like the aborted attempts she had in the past. You are likely the one and only person she ever had sex with that she loved. I'm sure she wouldn't want to go back to the way sex was for her before you. Can you accept that people do grow and learn and change over time? Can you do the same with your attitude toward her past?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Lordhavok said:


> This is excellent, again, your issue not hers, so fix this on your own. Looks like your on the right track. This has worked better for me over the years. Dont ask about all that stuff in her past dude. Your just going to get info that you dont want to hear and it just makes things that much worse. The more you know, the more questions will come up and the more your going to try to rationalize what she did and why, let it go, I know its easier said than done.


I'm afraid it's too late. She already forced her wife to tell her every detail of every sexual encounter she ever had. See below from her OP.



ThoughtsUnknown said:


> I mean I don't want to do what I did to her earlier in our relationship which curiosity got the best of me because there are things I wish I didn't know, but I basically drilled her to tell me every single detail about all of her sexual encounters.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Lordhavok said:


> Those that dont experience it first hand usually do not. It makes no sense to the partner, and the one suffering from it cannot make sense of it either. Its a splinter in the mind that is constantly eating away at your core. Triggers are everywhere you look and watch.


Yep. Calling it a form of OCD makes sense. WE know it doesn't make sense to be bothered by the past. We understand everyone has a past. We try not to think about it. But it keeps coming back. Popping into your mind at the slightest trigger. The more you know the more you want to know. Sometimes the questions become overwhelming. Every answer prompts 10 more questions. And really no answer will ever be the "right" answer. Even if it is what I wanted to hear, I don't believe it.

I really can't say how to get over it, OP, as I'm trying to figure that out myself. Working on yourself seems to be a pretty good bet. Build your self esteem, confidence, etc...


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> also known as a "Coors Light" (since it is fvcking close to water)


:rofl:

ba-dum-tss! Took me a second to get the fvcking close to water bit... I haz a slow  lol.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

ThoughtsUnknown said:


> I chose to remain a virgin until marriage as those are my beliefs. I think society is going down hill and the way the media encourages conformity for those to have some sexual **** college phase is disturbing to me. It has nothing to do with me wishing I could have had that as I could have, but that is not the type of person I am.


I think this is the crux of your issue right here. I might be off the mark, who can say except maybe a therapist. I cant say one way or the other, I wasnt a virgin when I got married the first time. So I dont know if the virgin thing is in play or not. I think its more of a question about accountability or morality for you. Let me take a shot in the dark here. You love your wife, knew everything about her past going in, was disgusted by it. Because you loved her, you thought that love would trump these feelings about her past, but the more involved with her you became, the stronger the RJ got?


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

norajane said:


> I'm afraid it's too late. She already forced her wife to tell her every detail of every sexual encounter she ever had. See below from her OP.


Eeeesh, I made that same mistake myself. Not all of her past, but a good part of it. I told her I didnt want to know anymore, I know enough already to be scarred for life. What a pisser man.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Lordhavok said:


> I think this is the crux of your issue right here. I might be off the mark, who can say except maybe a therapist. I cant say one way or the other, I wasnt a virgin when I got married the first time. So I dont know if the virgin thing is in play or not. I think its more of a question about accountability or morality for you. Let me take a shot in the dark here. You love your wife, knew everything about her past going in, was disgusted by it. Because you loved her, you thought that love would trump these feelings about her past, but the more involved with her you became, the stronger the RJ got?


Yep and Why I think it's an age thing. When you're young you think you can overcome some things that you really won't. Love conquers all type mentality. As you get older and mature you identify those things you know you will never be ok with and walk away. At least you hope you go through the maturing process like this .


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Here are my thoughts.

Your wife was abused and didn't deal with it. She hasn't faced her past though it clearly impacted her very negatively though not in an uncommon manner.

So, she doesn't give you a strong feeling that she owns her past behaviour. How can you feel good about her if she doesn't accept her past, deal with the root cause, and demonstrate her clear understanding if what it meant and the way it contrasts with the values she now holds?

You seem bothered that she had sex with men. She didn't like it but did it because she was used to being used. There is fight and flight but also freeze. She is a freezer. Her conditioning is behind that. 

The girls though, she dug that.

Seems typical of low self esteem and child sexual abuse. Looking for love but not having a sense of self worth apart from her value as a sexual object.

You are married. That's a commitment. You have a child. She carried the first. Next one is yours... That could have something to do with the trigger for you. Every time another brick in the wall of commitment is laid you ask yourself about the person you are committing to.

Triggers. Don't be surprised if your wife triggers when your daughter gets to the age she was at when she was abused...

I'd be worried about other issues creeping up... Any sign of attachment issues? Jealousy? Push/pull?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Ever hear the phrase "methinks he doth protest too much."


Yes, I still hear the protestations that sing of something else...



ThoughtsUnknown said:


> Hi- I actually agree with many advice given to me by others on here, but you seem to be off point quite a bit.
> 
> I chose to remain a virgin until marriage as those are my beliefs. I think society is going down hill and the way the media encourages conformity for those to have some sexual **** college phase is disturbing to me.


Obviously it's not THAT disturbing to you or you wouldn't have fallen in love with the town tramp, right?




> It has nothing to do with me wishing I could have had that as I could have, but that is not the type of person I am.


How could you have had that measure of sexual openness if that's not the kind of person you are? :scratchhead:



> Would appreciate you no longer trying to provide your $0.02 as you're completely off base.
> 
> Have a great day.



I'm sorry if my thoughts on your issue are upsetting to you. It's not my intention to upset you, though it is my intention to *challenge* you. And since this is a public forum, you are free to place me on ignore if you wish.

Perhaps it's not about you being jealous that you didn't get to have wild and crazy sex in college. Perhaps it's the "being open" part that bothers you?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

clipclop2 said:


> Triggers. Don't be surprised if your wife triggers when your daughter gets to the age she was at when she was abused...


:iagree:

Knowing of the probable child sex abuse history will be a big leg up on understanding some behaviors or melt downs in the future.

Your wife's past very much fits the profile of having been abused. If you're looking to reconcile the person you know now to the behaviors she had when younger, I think this is your answer. She is today much more of her genuine self with you. That should give you great comfort. She is not pretending something with you while hiding some demon wild sexual [email protected] inside which could erupt suddenly. You are seeing the real her. You have plenty of experience with her now to know if she is being consistent, present, and engaged with you.

Her past wild behavior can be viewed as a dysfunctional acting out phase triggered by her (likely) abuse. Some people act inwards, some act outwardly. Some people drink themselves numb, some people cut or attempt suicide, some engage in horrendously dangerous behavior. Some become depressed and/or develop eating disorders.

Your wife's sexual acting out is a fairly typical phase for abuse victims in their teens and early 20's. If it helps you to picture it, imagine it as a side effect of an injury, like a limp after a broken leg. She limps and has pain for a few years but then gets past that phase and is able to enjoy a normal life.

Rather than feel disgust about her past, you should have compassion. My wife was abused at a young age, and once I understood what happened and how it affected her I shed a lot of tears for what she lost and how she suffered through the years.

Your view of sex is romantic and emotionally intimate. At least in the past your wife's view was different, though with the abuse it is difficult to pigeon hole it into one of the classic categories (recreational, sacred, functional, etc). But today her view may be closely aligned with yours.

It is strange that I am agreeing with a lot of people on this thread whom I usually disagree with about sexual history and RJ issues.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

ThoughtsUnknown said:


> Hello All - I have joined this site for some input as I am really struggling with this issue I have of my partner's sexual past which I was aware of prior to dating her.
> 
> Here's the situation:
> 
> ...


I was able to get past my H's sorted sexual history. Your partner's past pales in comparison to what he did.

Still, her past does point to the type of person she is capable of being. Did she grow up or is she just pushing a part of her down. I suspect you may think it is he latter, since her past is coming up in your mind again. Or perhaps you are just becoming so committed that you are asking yourself if you did the right thing.

Listen to your gut and really think on this. That's the best advice I can give. Think about why this is bothering you now. That's what you need to know so you can address the root of the problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

What was your H's past like, how did it impact you in the past and how did you get over it and how many years did it take, E?


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

clipclop2 said:


> What was your H's past like, how did it impact you in the past and how did you get over it and how many years did it take, E?


My H had a 9 year affair with a married woman. This happened before I ever met him, but it definitely bothered me, especially when I found out that she was still calling him.

We broke up and went our separate ways for 2 years before dating again. I think time apart and my own maturity allowed me to get past it.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Interesting. Did she break up with him?


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

clipclop2 said:


> Interesting. Did she break up with him?


It ended when he finally found a legitimate girlfriend. He needs sex, so he took it where he could get it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

ebp123 said:


> It ended when he finally found a legitimate girlfriend. He needs sex, so he took it where he could get it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hope you need a better answer than that. I'd want to know he respects the commitment of marriage more now than he did then. Remember marriage is about commitment during the bad times too. Sometimes respecting the marriage is what holds things together during tough patches.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Yea, I couldn't accept that as an answer that would allow me to get over that kind of past.

Is that really all it took for you? If so I'm surprised you commented on this thread at all


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