# Your motivation is everything



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I was talking to my old friend the other day. We were discussing my divorce and recovery. He was there thru it all and has been my rock throughout. 
I was telling him about my anxiety about seeing my ex at my kids' weddings this summer. Sometimes when I think about everything that has happened I still cave in. I want to just shrink up and die. I want to cry and lash out still. The thought of facing her brings back all of those feelings
A huge improvement for me is that now I can catch these feelings before they take over. I realize the past is the past, no amount of crying or lashing out is going to change anything. I realize how much energy and time is wasted by such thoughts.
But I don't want to just be holding it together when I see her. I don't want to pretend I am whole and healthy. I want to be really whole and healthy.
Well my buddy listened to all of this and more, then explained something to me that made so much sense. He said part of my problem is that I am still concerned with proving to others that I am recovered. Instead I should just concentrate on recovering. Everyone else will KNOW I have recovered as a consequence of my recovery not because I set out to show them.
I need to be motivated to become better, not to show anybody anything, but because I want it. Everybody and anybody else will either get it or they won't and it doesn't matter anyways.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Ynot said:


> I was talking to my old friend the other day. We were discussing my divorce and recovery. He was there thru it all and has been my rock throughout.
> I was telling him about my anxiety about seeing my ex at my kids' weddings this summer. Sometimes when I think about everything that has happened I still cave in. I want to just shrink up and die. I want to cry and lash out still. The thought of facing her brings back all of those feelings
> A huge improvement for me is that now I can catch these feelings before they take over. I realize the past is the past, no amount of crying or lashing out is going to change anything. I realize how much energy and time is wasted by such thoughts.
> But I don't want to just be holding it together when I see her. I don't want to pretend I am whole and healthy. I want to be really whole and healthy.
> ...


This is good insight Ynot as you have also done the same here in your posts, I'm glad to see you are in the process of recovery. Took me years to be on the plus side of it. It's not a race just baby steps.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

It just takes time. I could hardly bare to even pull in the drive to pick my kids up when it first happened, but I'm fine now after 5 years, and it didn't take 5 years to get there. I really dreaded having to participate in any school activities at times, but that has gone as well.

What a lot of people say is true, it's a roller coaster of emotions, but the lows will gradually level off into normal.

I've accepted the fact that there will always be a sliver of weirdness, but i can handle it. I suppose people are geared differently, but how can you tell someone you love them, be together for years, have kids together, and think it will last forever, and one day it doesn't. 

I will never look at that situation and think, "Gee, that's normal." But it doesn't bother me anymore, and that will come if you want it.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I don't know your story and I cannot make comment on your friends input except to trust him is he has been your rock.

Just wanted to say that it might help to make your motivation to go and enjoy the weddings because of your kids and no one else. They are your kids, enjoy them and enjoy the experience and the day with them. All and sundry can go to buggery, just do it for you and your children.

Oh and you never know who you might meet at the weddings, have an open mind and be excited that each new day can bring a new experience.


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