# Am I being paranoid?



## Less (Dec 30, 2021)

I need some advice and a different perspective on how I feel,

been with my partner nearly 6 years, we’re both 24 and are engaged, wedding in March and have a 2 year old daughter. Recently I just don’t feel like she attracted to me or wants to spend time with me anymore, been feeling like this for maybe nearly a year. It all started when she went to our neighbours to smoke and I don’t mean cigarettes, which I’m fine with, her thing is weed mine is drink, anyways this happened every night, we’d put our daughter to bed, she’d go round and come home and go to sleep, it started to annoy me because it just felt like we were parents all day and when it came to our time she went next door, came home and then went to bed, didn’t seem to want to spend time with me, occasionally she wouldn’t go over but even then my fiancée still went to bed really early, she just always seems to be tired. I did talk to her about this eventually and said that it doesn’t make me feel good when she goes there every night, so we agreed she’d go over occasionally which I don’t mind, it’s not the weed that bothers me it’s the fact it was every night that did because I had no time with her. Sidetrack - whilst talking about this issue I also mentioned how I wasn’t happy with our sex life because it’s barley even that, it’s very rare and when it happens it’s the same position the same routine and doesn’t last long because it’s been that long for me I just can’t control it. She never seems to really want to have sex and I just feel like when she does it’s to please me, which actually just annoys the hell out of me because I want her to want it too.
Another problem that I didn’t know what to do about - so I’m a bar manager and we have two bouncers every weekend, this one bouncer was tall, older, even I have to appreciate the fact he’s attractive and he knows it, I haven’t got an issue with him, but they were messaging each other, everyday for a good few weeks and then it just kind of seemed to stop when he started sleeping with this other girl, I trust my partner with my life and I genuinely hate the fact I even think about her cheating on me because it doesnt seem like something that would never happen, like 90% of me knows she the most loyal partner ever but that other 10% that I can’t shake just thinks she was liking having someone else to message and talk to. before our daughter, we used to go out a lot and eventually most nights it got to a point where I was ready for bed but she stayed for an extra hour with this one guy to sit in his van and have a joint, and again I just have this gut feeling something happened but I feel so bad for feeling like that, I’ve never questioned it because I don’t want her to think I’m just controlling or jealous! But if that was me messaging a girl she’d be so pissed or staying with another woman after a night out!

recently she hasnt been messaging this guy like I said it just seemed to have stoped, and she doesn’t go round next door either, but now it’s a case of put our daughter to bed and she then goes to bed cause she’s tired, and still our sex life is dead even though we’ve discussed this many times and I thought we both understood how we felt but nothing changes. I mean she doesnt work as in employed, but she is a full time mum and I appreciate some days are tiring and draining and I genuinely do understand that, but it’s all the time, I work full time and when I’m not at work I’m a dad, we spilt responsibilities, I’m also tired all the time but I love her that much I can bi pass that tiredness and would do anything to spend time with her in the evening, she just doesn’t seem to want too. Even when I give her a lay in she’s still tired, even though I’ve been up since 7 with our daughter and have work that day till late. I let her lay in till she wakes up but she’s still tired!

Is it me? Or am I perfectly right feeling like this? I haven’t got anyone I can speak to about this so just need a different perspective. For the past 2 years I’ve really tired to make an effort in changing things, I’ve been open, search the internet on how to improve things, talked to my partner about this and nothing changes, I’m not looking for advice on how to change things, just advice on is it just me being paranoid or is there something to be worried about? I just feel so lonely, sitting in the living room in my own pretty much every night, it’s horrible.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Seriously???? Jeez !!!!! Well let’s just shine a light on this a little bit shall we. You just remain quite while your girl is texting tall dark and handsome and smoking pot next door with her real friends. You don’t want to do anything about it because you don’t want to be “controlling”. Meanwhile she isn’t contributing anything to your “relationship”.

It may be hard for you to understand but it is pretty clear to everyone else what is going on.

Get some balls for Christ sakes.


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## Less (Dec 30, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> Seriously???? Jeez !!!!! Well let’s just shine a light on this a little bit shall we. You just remain quite while your girl is texting tall dark and handsome and smoking pot next door with her real friends. You don’t want to do anything about it because you don’t want to be “controlling”. Meanwhile she isn’t contributing anything to your “relationship”.
> 
> It may be hard for you to understand but it is pretty clear to everyone else what is going on.
> 
> Get some balls for Christ sakes.


No quite sure who put the stick up your arse for you to be so angry😅 why exactly would I do? Kick of at her because she was messaging another guy and going to see her mates? because to me that is controlling and abusive, I didn’t want advice on what to do, wanted advice on is it just me being paranoid? Prick


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I would be very concerned and unhappy if my spouse was acting as yours is. 
I think some serious talking is needed.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Less said:


> No quite sure who put the stick up your arse for you to be so angry😅 why exactly would I do? Kick of at her because she was messaging another guy and going to see her mates? because to me that is controlling and abusive, I didn’t want advice on what to do, wanted advice on is it just me being paranoid? Prick


No you are not paranoid. 
What you are is rude as hell but a really brave man over the internet.
A Wi-Fi Warrior I think it’s called.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Less said:


> No quite sure who put the stick up your arse for you to be so angry😅 why exactly would I do? Kick of at her because she was messaging another guy and going to see her mates? because to me that is controlling and abusive, I didn’t want advice on what to do, wanted advice on is it just me being paranoid? Prick


I don’t mind being called a prick ... because sometimes I am. I also don’t mind rocking the boat when it needs it. With that said I’m also not the guy that has woman problems due to being passive and weak. I’m not saying you deserve this treatment but I am saying you are the one that is allowing it to happen. If I was your girl I’d probably be hot for the bouncer as well if I had a push over at home.

Still waters aren’t necessarily your friend.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

You know damn good and well what is transpiring is not right or you would not be on here.
Are you certain you are the father of your child? I would recommend getting a DNA test. secondly, what do you see in this woman?


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Is your neighbor male? 

You asked for a different perspective so be ready when it's one you don't like. Ever since you knocked her up she hasn't been interested in you, hanging out with the neighbor who is probably a guy (why not smoke at home), texting at least one guy that you know of.......... 

I don't think you're paranoid, but I also don't think you're being realistic by saying you are 90% sure nothing is happening. Definitely DNA the kid, probably too late for legal action but it would be a smart move and possible life lesson.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Less said:


> I don’t want her to think I’m just *controlling or jealous!* But if that was me messaging a girl she’d be so pissed or staying with another woman after a night out!


I think this is your biggest problem!
You need to set the rules and have her in your frame, not the other way around!
Have boundaries, for example, you didn't text or stay with another women in a van alone at night because you know it's wrong when you're in a committed relationship, YET you allowed her to do it!
Who is this neighbour? is he a male?

You need to understand that having boundaries is important in a relationship, it's not being *controlling or jealous!*
When you tell your partner if she starts texting other men then you will not stick around, that is not being controlling, it's your boundary, it's very simple, you text, I'm out, she can call it *controlling or being jealous* or what ever she wants, it will not change the fact that you will not allow shady behaviour!

Now for the sex part, here is the rule (coming from someone with very good experience in dating):
If a woman has a burning desire for you she will want sex from you almost every day, kids or no kids!

Here are two books that you *need* to read that will help you (never let her know you're reading it):

The Married Man Sex Life Primer - By Athol Kay
The Rational Male - By Rollo Tomassi


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Less said:


> No quite sure who put the stick up your arse for you to be so angry😅 why exactly would I do? Kick of at her because she was messaging another guy and going to see her mates? because to me that is controlling and abusive, I didn’t want advice on what to do, wanted advice on is it just me being paranoid? Prick


Wow. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, is it?

OP, you can lash out at Mr.Married all you want, but it doesn't change the fact that he's *100% CORRECT*.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Someone needs to wake the F up!!

Yes I know, I'm a "prick" as well.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

It doesn't matter what she's doing when she's not at home, or who she's texting. You have to look at what she's providing to YOU as a partner. She doesn't give you much attention, your life together is all focused on coparenting, you've lost trust in her, and your sexual connection is waning. In the words of Chump Lady, is the relationship in its current state acceptable to you? Clearly not, or you wouldn't be here.

Tell her the wedding is off, that you have decided that this is not the situation you want to be in for the rest of your life. See how she reacts. Decide on your next steps based on that.

You're not being controlling. You're just reacting to her behaviour and withdrawing from it. You can only control yourself.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Check the phone bill. I think you may get a surprise.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

No you’re not be paranoid, you’re being naive and weak. It is not being controlling to want to know who your girl and mother of your child is talking to and hanging with. Please don’t tell me your neighbor she’s smoking nightly with is a guy. Then going in some dudes can to smoke alone? 

Come on, what is it with today’s younger generation? The feminist indoctrination is deep in this one. Fear of the controlling card and blindly trusting a drug addict is weak. Women despise weakness in men, which is why all she can muster is occasional duty sex. I bet if you get a hold of her phone, you’ll find heavy flirting if not outright sexting and don’t be surprised to find that she’s sending nudes too.

you should strongly encourage her to get help. Just because marijuana is legal in many states doesn’t mean it’s ok to smoke everyday. If you were getting drunk everyday, people would say you’re an alcoholic. It’s no different with weed. A 24 year old mother, getting high every day is is a drug addict.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

She doesn’t act like she is moving towards acting married.
As long as she’s acting single - do NOT plan any marriage!

You tell her honestly you can’t marry her. She doesn’t act like someone interested in marrying you.
If you are unhappy with the arrangement - then end it with her! She doesn’t respect you!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I know you have a child and everything, but you guys are awfully young to be married. She's not attracted to you anymore. She may very well be dependent on you because of having had the child. Are you both working? 

It doesn't even sound like your lifestyles are compatible. Don't marry her and don't keep living with her. If you're both working, get 50/50 custody of the child so that each of you has the child three and a half days a week and has full responsibility on those days. That's the norm in the United States these days. 

If she's unable to work still because of the age of the child, then either wait until the child is old enough to go into daycare or preschool or be prepared to pay for child support and some alimony until she can work. 

And I should mention that of course she's exhausted because she has a 2-year-old child and it's only going to get worse as the child goes through toddlerhood, because it's exhausting. If she's sitting there all day with that child and then wants to leave and go do something for a while once you're there to look after the child you can't really blame her for wanting to have some kind of life although both of you getting high and drunk certainly isn't the ideal thing for the child. Which is why I say you really too young to be doing this.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Beach123 said:


> She doesn’t act like she is moving towards acting married.
> As long as she’s acting single - do NOT plan any marriage!
> 
> You tell her honestly you can’t marry her. She doesn’t act like someone interested in marrying you.
> If you are unhappy with the arrangement - then end it with her! She doesn’t respect you!


She'll probably be relieved except if she's completely financially dependent on him which I bet she is.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Lots of great advice. The older I get the more I trust my gut instinct. Also, lots have folks have told you to have your child take a DNA test. My advice is to instead take an STD test. If you consider your child as your child and they consider you their father, my recommendation is to leave that stone unturned. Give your love to that child.

Good luck to you.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Less said:


> No quite sure who put the stick up your arse for you to be so angry😅 why exactly would I do? Kick of at her because she was messaging another guy and going to see her mates? because to me that is controlling and abusive, I didn’t want advice on what to do, wanted advice on is it just me being paranoid? Prick


There is a HUGE difference between controlling/abusive and having strong boundaries. You need to establish those boundaries and things you WILL NOT deal with in a relationship. She of course have EVERY right to do what she wants, but if she violates the boundaries, YOU need to be clear what the repercussions are.

When she was texting that guy -- did you KNOW about it or did you FIND OUT about it? BIG difference. She stopped because he started sleeping with someone. What happens when he STOPS?

Your neighbors -- male or female, or both? Why does SHE get to go hang out all the time and you are left holding the bag watching your son. That is in NO WAY acceptable (or it shouldn't be).

Again, you need to think through this stuff, get YOUR boundaries together (with repercussions -- at least in your head) and then have a good sit-down talk with her.

She also doesn't want to have sex with you or enjoy it with you. You are engaged, and you should know this -- it WILL NOT get any better, and will probably get significantly worse. If this doesn't get resolved, NO WAY should you get married. A Marriage counselor/sex therapist may be in order for the both of you BEFORE you get married.


VERY sorry you are going through this -- you really need to open your eyes and see where this relationship is going -- right now, it's going in a REALLY bad direction.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Young at Heart said:


> Lots of great advice. The older I get the more I trust my gut instinct. Also, lots have folks have told you to have your child take a DNA test. My advice is to instead take an STD test. If you consider your child as your child and they consider you their father, my recommendation is to leave that stone unturned. Give your love to that child.
> 
> Good luck to you.


I think he can be the father and get a DNA test. My thinking is it's better to know now than later on when something medical comes up or the kid decides to do one of those ancestry DNA tests and then finds out.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Al_Bundy said:


> I think he can be the father and get a DNA test. My thinking is it's better to know now than later on when something medical comes up or the kid decides to do one of those ancestry DNA tests and then finds out.


And to know if she tried pulling a fast one on him. But also to know if he is actually obligated with money to provide support until the child nears 18-20 years of age.
Whether or not he chooses to pay if he’s not biologically the father will be something to consider if he comes back as not the bio dad.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

1st thing is to DNA the kid and see if it is yours. The way she beha es io would wonder. I had a parolee that his wife was doing a guy for drugs, she was taking the baby to do drug runs with a guy in her vehiocle. She was not paying money for the dope. It was taken out in trade.....if you catch me.


His relatioonship went to crap. U tols him to drop her and fiole for full custody when she went to prison. He did not, she came out and went back to the sex/drugs routine and just walked away....said she was tired of being a mom and wife.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Less said:


> I need some advice and a different perspective on how I feel,
> 
> been with my partner nearly 6 years, we’re both 24 and are engaged, wedding in March and have a 2 year old daughter. Recently I just don’t feel like she attracted to me or wants to spend time with me anymore, been feeling like this for maybe nearly a year. It all started when she went to our neighbours to smoke and I don’t mean cigarettes, which I’m fine with, her thing is weed mine is drink, anyways this happened every night, we’d put our daughter to bed, she’d go round and come home and go to sleep, it started to annoy me because it just felt like we were parents all day and when it came to our time she went next door, came home and then went to bed, didn’t seem to want to spend time with me, occasionally she wouldn’t go over but even then my fiancée still went to bed really early, she just always seems to be tired. I did talk to her about this eventually and said that it doesn’t make me feel good when she goes there every night, so we agreed she’d go over occasionally which I don’t mind, it’s not the weed that bothers me it’s the fact it was every night that did because I had no time with her. Sidetrack - whilst talking about this issue I also mentioned how I wasn’t happy with our sex life because it’s barley even that, it’s very rare and when it happens it’s the same position the same routine and doesn’t last long because it’s been that long for me I just can’t control it. She never seems to really want to have sex and I just feel like when she does it’s to please me, which actually just annoys the hell out of me because I want her to want it too.
> Another problem that I didn’t know what to do about - so I’m a bar manager and we have two bouncers every weekend, this one bouncer was tall, older, even I have to appreciate the fact he’s attractive and he knows it, I haven’t got an issue with him, but they were messaging each other, everyday for a good few weeks and then it just kind of seemed to stop when he started sleeping with this other girl, I trust my partner with my life and I genuinely hate the fact I even think about her cheating on me because it doesnt seem like something that would never happen, like 90% of me knows she the most loyal partner ever but that other 10% that I can’t shake just thinks she was liking having someone else to message and talk to. before our daughter, we used to go out a lot and eventually most nights it got to a point where I was ready for bed but she stayed for an extra hour with this one guy to sit in his van and have a joint, and again I just have this gut feeling something happened but I feel so bad for feeling like that, I’ve never questioned it because I don’t want her to think I’m just controlling or jealous! But if that was me messaging a girl she’d be so pissed or staying with another woman after a night out!
> ...


Dude...sorry to tell you the obvious. She is 24...she us getting sex somewhere....how was she paying for the weed? Used to know girls that got very horny when smoking weed...and you are not getting it. Sorry but you are nieve....bet she can not pass a polygraph.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I didn't need to read the whole thing to get to the point: she's not longer into you. Dude, GET IT. Because that's the bottom line.

FFS what's wrong with people brains these days. I think humans having been taken out the jungle and barely having any need for survival on a daily basis made them brain dead.

OP is cool with having a relationship with a pot headed woman that is having a relationship with another pot headed. This is what I mean, people think that smoking pot every day is nothing. I guess they haven't seem a brain scan of a pot headed person after years of all that pot smoking.

Moreover your response to @MrMarried:



Less said:


> No quite sure who put the stick up your arse for you to be so angry😅 why exactly would I do? Kick of at her because she was messaging another guy and going to see her mates? because to me that is controlling and abusive, I didn’t want advice on what to do, wanted advice on is it just me being paranoid? Prick


Just bring to the front the sad state in which a big percentage of the British male population have degenerated: to that of pathetic, weak men that has not balls; which are perceived around the world as nothing but socially effeminates males. No wonder why British women are looking more and more for foreigner (manly) men, regardless of their status, because if one where to judge all British male by the way you're coming across here as a male the stereotype is correct.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Bet OP ain't coming back.

This is a generational thing, infidelity has become more socially acceptable than boundaries, enforcing boundaries is considered taboo, controlling, etc.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Let's just look past the cheating - which sounds like I is happening. 


Let's just go with the fact you laid out: she is not having sex with you. 


DO NOT MARRY SOMEONE WHO IS NOT HAVING SEX WITH YOU. 

Done and done.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Marriage doesn’t help these types of situations. Invariably it complicates them.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Al_Bundy said:


> I think he can be the father and get a DNA test. My thinking is it's better to know now than later on when something medical comes up or the kid decides to do one of those ancestry DNA tests and then finds out.


The medical things is real, but....... I still think being a parent is much more than donating sperm.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Rob_1 said:


> Just bring to the front the sad state in which a big percentage of the British male population have degenerated: to that of pathetic, weak men that has not balls; which are perceived around the world as nothing but socially effeminates males. No wonder why British women are looking more and more for foreigner (manly) men, regardless of their status, because if one where to judge all British male by the way you're coming across here as a male the stereotype is correct.


I worked in the UK for over 10 years, I can confirm this, it's sad to see many British males feminized to this level!
I saw with my own eyes how this new generation behave in relationships, it's heart breaking, it really is!
And I also saw in parties and events (and I attended a LOT) how British female behave when going out with their British boyfriends, the men where complete doormats and weak, the girls were walking all over them, flirting with other men and dirty sex jokes flying around, and their men can't seem to do anything about it, completely helpless, on the other hand I saw how other girls behave when they are out partying with their foreign boyfriends, they don't even flirt or chat with other men, and you can clearly see that they are moderating their behaviours!

And I have noticed something very troubling, British men rarely accept relationship advice (or other advices in general), because they think they are smart and got it!
Very sad..


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Yes you should be paranoid. Not stating she is cheating but it could be a possibility. When I was in my late teens, early twenties I was a stoner. Would get stoned in neighbours houses, friends cars, on nights out etc and I never cheated, but some of my friends were. Would get stoned with both males and females. So she could just be getting stoned and not cheating at all. Do you have any gut feeling more could be going on?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Less said:


> No quite sure who put the stick up your arse for you to be so angry😅 why exactly would I do? Kick of at her because she was messaging another guy and going to see her mates? because to me that is controlling and abusive, I didn’t want advice on what to do, wanted advice on is it just me being paranoid? Prick


Your girl is/was cheating on you. A blind man would be able to see this. You just refuse to for some reason because this girl, that is treating you like crap, would never cheat. 😂😂😂


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Less is not more .... apparently 🤷‍♂️


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