# My wife didn't love me



## markrob (Jun 2, 2013)

Hi All, any advice gratefully accepted!
I've been in a relationship with my wife for 21 years (16 years of that married with two kids). 7 months into our relationship, she cheated on me with her ex boyfriend. I found out and we had some issues but she led me to believe that it was just a mistake.

21 years later and I've found out that she lied to me about being in love with me back then. She was still in love with her ex and she was just stringing me along, although she says she was fond of me. She also got me involved with her ex's family- parties, get togethers etc etc and even called our first child after her ex's grandparent AND our second childs godparents are her ex's parents. It may sound obvious to all but I just didn't see what was going on, that she couldn't let go of her ex and his family. I now feel like a complete fool. My wife says i should just get over it but i can't. Any advice?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Is she still in love with him? 

Does she love you now? (have a fulfilling sexual relationship with you)?

Have you been to marriage counseling? 

Do you both work?

Do you live near the ex's parents?


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## markrob (Jun 2, 2013)

1. I don't know

2.She says she loves me.....

3.No

4. Yes we both work

5. yes we live near. She's still in regular contact with them


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

What led you to post today? Have you been resentful for many years and today you just had enough? 

Or were you blindsided recently by a discovery? 

If you don't know if she is still in love with him then maybe (just maybe) she lost feelings for him and sees you as a real husband. What do you think?


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Why did she tell you? Did you catch her with the ex? What brought this revelation on?

Are your children yours?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What is her relationship with the ex now ?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

markrob said:


> Hi All, any advice gratefully accepted!
> I've been in a relationship with my wife for 21 years (16 years of that married with two kids). 7 months into our relationship, she cheated on me with her ex boyfriend. I found out and we had some issues but she led me to believe that it was just a mistake.
> 
> 21 years later and I've found out that she lied to me about being in love with me back then. She was still in love with her ex and she was just stringing me along, although she says she was fond of me. She also got me involved with her ex's family- parties, get togethers etc etc and even called our first child after her ex's grandparent AND our second childs godparents are her ex's parents. It may sound obvious to all but I just didn't see what was going on, that she couldn't let go of her ex and his family. I now feel like a complete fool. My wife says i should just get over it but i can't. Any advice?


This is something that happens sometime. My belief is in a large percentage of cases people DID NOT love each other. It was always sex... Many times they did not know and many times they DID know. You were snagged for security, finanances, looks, something.... And in some small amount of cases it was actual true love.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

markrob said:


> 7 months into our relationship, she cheated on me with her ex boyfriend. I found out and we had some issues but she led me to believe that it was just a mistake.
> 21 years later and I've found out that she lied to me about being in love with me back then.


Here's the thing Mark that I learned late in life. 


1. When a woman "cheats" on you 7 months into a relationship*, it means she is not crazy in love with you. It took over 20 years but now you know.

2. When she keeps seeing her ex, it means she is still in love with him. 

* I am assuming that the 7 month relationship was an agreed upon exclusive relationship between the two of you. If not, seeing her ex is not entirely cheating. Many guy believe that if a woman goes out with them more than two or three times, its exclusive in their minds.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> My wife says i should just get over it


What does she want you to get over? 

But if she wants you to "just get over it..."

*What is SHE going to do to help you get over it?*

Bloody caker eaters! 

Of course, she might be lying now, reinventing the history of your marriage. It does happen.

You need DNA checks on your children to check the paternity. This is not usually why I suggest DNA checks, but in your wife's case? A paternity test would be wise.

And check your legal position.


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

Interesting issue. Not exactly standard either. I'm sorry you have these feelings and hope you find some solace in the legion of misery known as TAM. All kidding aside I can say I'd be frustrated, upset and probably hurt as well if I found my marriage to appear fake or disingenuous. 

I'm curious as well did something happen to set you off and bring you here? Or is this slow curdling feelings that have built up over time?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

markrob said:


> Hi All, any advice gratefully accepted!
> I've been in a relationship with my wife for 21 years (16 years of that married with two kids). 7 months into our relationship, she cheated on me with her ex boyfriend. I found out and we had some issues but she led me to believe that it was just a mistake.
> 
> 21 years later and I've found out that she lied to me about being in love with me back then. She was still in love with her ex and she was just stringing me along, although she says she was fond of me. She also got me involved with her ex's family- parties, get togethers etc etc and even called our first child after her ex's grandparent AND our second childs godparents are her ex's parents. It may sound obvious to all but I just didn't see what was going on, that she couldn't let go of her ex and his family. I now feel like a complete fool. My wife says i should just get over it but i can't. Any advice?


Get your children DNA tested.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

You mention seeing the ex's family, but not the ex. Does she still see the ex?

Has she been having an affair with the ex since you've been married?

She says she felt fond of you back then but she says she loves you now. When did she stop feeling fond of you and begin loving you?

How did you find out she didn't love you when she married you and that she still loved the ex?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Get tested for STD's
Get your children tested for paternity
Go see an attorney to understand your options.

You are on this planet for such a short time. Do not waste another 21 years of your life on someone who could have done this to you. You deserve better my friend. It is a shame that you do not think so also. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

What would really P/O's me is all the stuff you didn't do for yourself while trying to put everything into a marriage, and please a woman who thought of you as a stand in and financier for the guy she really wanted to be with. 
Fortunately, and although 21 years have passed, you've woke up and discovered your problem and should have ample time to change course and put your needs first.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

I would not do one more kind or generous thing for her. Ever. Support her and the kids but do not spend one more dime on presents, new cars, vacations, no perks. She gets nothing nice or loving from you ever until you begin to see remorse. 

Her telling you to get over it is all you need to know about where you stand with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

LostViking said:


> I would not do one more kind or generous thing for her. Ever. Support her and the kids but do not spend one more dime on presents, new cars, vacations, no perks. She gets nothing nice or loving from you ever until you begin to see remorse.
> 
> Her telling you to get over it is all you need to know about where you stand with her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*She needs to take ownership of her actions.*

If she was in a restaurant and took a dump on another patron's lap, would she just be able to say: "Yeah, I did that. Now you need to clean it up"?

No. She would have to clean it up and pay for drycleaning, etc.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

She sounds heavily invested with the ex's family. Why is this? 

Does she have family of her own? Does she see them, get along with them? 

It seems weird that she is so invested in them. Is her best friend the ex's sister? Are they like her 2nd parents because she had none of her own? 

These are the only reasons I can come up with as to why one would stay friends, be close to, the ex's family. 

Unless of course the only reason is him.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'd be DNA testing the kids ASAP.

I'd also be doing anything I could to sour the sick relationship she has with the Exs family. Like making sure you spend a lot of time over there and wearing out her welcome. Drops hints about her talking about them etc. make sure to drink their best stuff, but never contribute etc.

And I'd be seriously thinking about getting over it by divorcing her. You've wasted 21 years with a cheater who named your kids after her exs family members, so obviously she has neither love nor respect for you. Don't make it 22 wasted years on her.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

She says she loves you, but you know what it really means. She wants you to give her protection, a family etc. And she will continue to have her ex in her heart.

It is for you to decide. She is heavily invested in her ex and his family, you are heavily invested in your kids and your family.

Ask her why she married you and remains in marriage with you.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Do a paternity tests on all your children. They are fairly cheap tests, about $100 each.


How did you find out all these new info?

Sounds like she really treated you like sh!t. Hang tight onto your self-esteem. Fvck the b!tch.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Your wife tells you to "just get over it", because for her you have allowed this insanity to go on for 20+ years, so I guess for her its just "normal".

I just don't know why in the world you would have allowed this crazy amount of involvement with the exes' family. Especially in light of the fact that you had already know of the first cheating after 7 months in.

She does not love you. She told you this directly. What other options do you have ? Time for you to D and move on with the rest of your life, or stay as either a cuckold husband, or agree to have an open marriage and get yourself a girlfriend.


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