# Finding closure....



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Back story: My H and I are separated since February. I left after years of trying (being the only one willing to admit there were problems), months of trying to talk & asking for him to go to therapy with me. He refused to do much of anything – and absolutely refused to leave (his parents has a home he could easily lived in for free) or go to therapy.

Honestly, I think he’s depressed – but hard to talk to him about anything, much less about depression when he doesn’t really believe in it. My wish would be for him to talk to someone, and for us to talk to someone together. Even if we never saw eye to eye, I think if we could REALLY talk it out and get everything out, deal with it for once, we could forgive, move on and be the best parents for our son.

It’s so hard to think that this man who I married and have been with 20 years won’t do anything. I honestly thought that if he was going to step up, it would wake him up when I left. He’s still asleep…..and he is doing some things that I am beginning to think I just can’t and won’t get past.

I’ve done much better with not taking on his feelings as my own. This is the definition of our relationship – I’ve always put him before myself. He says I’ve changed, yeah I have. I am not happy in a loveless marriage, sexless marriage and putting someone ahead of myself who is so selfish and self centered……of course, “I left him” and he’s totally playing the victim! I’m tired of it….a part of me is pissed off, another part of me is sad, another part of me is confused…..I just want closure.

I want to forgive…. I need closure

Will I ever get it?? How??

Thanks for reading


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What do you feel "closure" would be? You don't say.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> What do you feel "closure" would be? You don't say.


For us to talk....
Everytime I've tried in the past, he gets mad and walks away.
I want for him to listen AND hear me....
I'm tired of pointing fingers, we are BOTH at fault for this!

Maybe he needs more time, my therapist said that he hasn't been processing this as long as I have - but he still appears to be in denial.....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Maybe you could write him a letter saying everything you need to get off your chest.

In my divorce I felt like I had zero closure. I wanted something he couldn't give me-- a reasonable explanation as to WHY all this BS went down and WHY his words didn't match his actions.

In the end I realized I was chasing a ghost. In the end I realized my closure was accepting I would never get the closure I wanted/sought. 

That was my closure.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

That's a good idea....
I had planned on writing one to give him to read when I give him the "separation agreement" my attorney worked up. Since I'm 99.9% sure he's gonna refuse to sign it, which if we can agree, we won't have to go to court and let a judge decide, I wanted to give him something to think about before he read the agreement.

Should I do that separately?

My brother thinks he's being tough on me to try to bully me back home...like, "See how hard this is?" But to me, all I see is blackness/depression/passive/coldness/pride/selfishness


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's up to you whether you do it separately or not.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> It's up to you whether you do it separately or not.


Thank you for always responding....
Maybe no one here likes me (lol) or no one has the answers or experience, but you always come thru! 

Much love to ya!


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

I think your brother is partially correct. However I think that you can take it a step further in writing that note.

I would tell him that if he remains UNCOOPERATIVE, that this could wind up in a DIVORCE. And it's not uncommon for a Judge to sign divorce papers without both signatures.

That should get his attention!


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Kauaiguy said:


> I think your brother is partially correct. However I think that you can take it a step further in writing that note.
> 
> I would tell him that if he remains UNCOOPERATIVE, that this could wind up in a DIVORCE. And it's not uncommon for a Judge to sign divorce papers without both signatures.
> 
> That should get his attention!


I am writing the note for sure....
Wondering....should I post it here for you guys or TWO people to pick apart?? lol

We have to be separated for a year in SC, I think maybe he's just continuing to be passive aggressive and waiting it out....which makes me want to kick him where the sun doesn't shine (advice from another member who has been a great sourse of strength for me) lol


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