# Am I overreacting and/or being ridiculous??



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

OK, everyone...I need your take on this to help me process. I'm pretty emotional right now, generally frustrated and saturated with the issues between my H and me. 

Am I making too big a deal about something my H said...

I want to know if I'm being silly by letting it bother me. Please be honest!

He said our wedding--6 months ago--was "tiny."
It was about 150 people.
I disagreed, saying it was "moderate."
He compared it to my sister's wedding, explaining that HER wedding had so many more people (about 20) because her husband's side had more people there.
--this is true.

Why did this "tiny" word bug me?

Wedding = one of the most important days of my life
Parents spent a pretty penny on it, we helped with some things--mostly things HE insisted upon having (groomzilla that he was)
Very important to me that many of my loved ones were there
He and I both wanted a big wedding.

Fact:
MANY more from my side were there than his side.
He and I were both disappointed that more of his friends didn't come.

The "tiny" comment hit a nerve with me.
The planning and financing of our wedding was stressful.

What made it worse was that he couldn't just say "Oh, I see it bothers you that I say that. Ok, ok, it wasn't tiny." or at least "I see why you would call it moderate instead of tiny."

But he just kept arguing. 
Can't he just see that I'm sensitive about something and BACK THE F*** DOWN???

Someone out there, please...if I'm being ridiculous, please give me the swift kick in the a** I need.

Or whatever encouragement you may be able to offer, I could really use it right now (refer to my other post(s) if THIS seems bafflingly trivial.)

I feel like I can't perceive anything clearly at this point.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Could it be that the word bugged you because it may be an example of how your husband trivializes your PoVs?

I would focus on more important aspects of his trivializing. Fighting over a word is just not productive :/


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## moonangel (Jan 19, 2011)

Could the word tiny register as something else and have nothing to do with the wedding...say maybe tiny legs or tiny eyes? Maybe someone else commented about you or something you have that is tiny and when he said the word, it was the last straw?

Your wedding sounds like it was nice. 150 people? I only had 78..80 at mine...that's tiny...but I like tiny anything...except...well, you know.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

To ME, it sounds like you made much ado about nothing. BUT...it felt like something to YOU, so I guess you need to examine the reasons why that is so. 
Tradition aside, if my SO had made a comment like that to me, I'd have told him if he wanted a bigger wedding then he should have coughed up more moolah. But that's just me.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I know why it bothered me.
I explained it to him.
But the way he responded to that explanation is what made things worse, not better.
All I was looking for is an "oh, I understand why you feel that way."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Are you looking for an honest "oh, I understand why you feel that way" from him? Odds are, it's never going to happen.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

reachingshore said:


> Are you looking for an honest "oh, I understand why you feel that way" from him? Odds are, it's never going to happen.


I don't think "never" going to happen with *anything.*
He has done it before----validated and/or understood my pov or feelings.
If Im unhappy with something he's said, it kind of depends on how the conversation starts...if i'm reacting negatively to his word as I did yesterday, it goes downhill.

Your first reply to me made sense....we did talk about that yesterday in counseling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

LOL OK, here is what happens with me and my husband. If he actually understood why I felt the way I felt because of something he'd said, we wouldn't have an argument about it in the first place. I don't actually put much importance on him understanding. I want him to know this is how whatever he said made me feel and I need him to deal with it, that is never say it to me again.

On the other hand, to be honest, I actually insist on understanding/analyzing his feelings (why this, why that, why whatever, LOL), but if I can't I just throw my hands up in the air and go "fine". Then we move on.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

reachingshore said:


> LOL OK, here is what happens with me and my husband. If he actually understood why I felt the way I felt because of something he'd said, we wouldn't have an argument about it in the first place. I don't actually put much importance on him understanding. I want him to know this is how whatever he said made me feel and I need him to deal with it, that is never say it to me again.
> 
> On the other hand, to be honest, I actually insist on understanding/analyzing his feelings (why this, why that, why whatever, LOL), but if I can't I just throw my hands up in the air and go "fine". Then we move on.


hmm. Mightve been better if we'd just said "you say x, I say y, so what!"

but we are both stubborn.

I repeated "it wasn't tiny" a few times, then he got annoyed.

But if I'M the one who's more sensitive to a particular word, for whatever reason, can't HE just say "wow, this is a big deal to you. Fine, ok, I get it."

hence the "competitive" thing our counselor pointed out.

All we are right now is tension and conflict.

Nothing or precious little else comprises our relationship at this time, so every little thing becomes a big thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Yeah I get it - really tiny things becoming huge irritants.

Don't know what counselor's opinion on that would be, but instead of me telling my husband "it wasn't tiny", I'd go: "I put so much work and effort into it that hearing the result was tiny, especially from you, really hurts."

I think of it more like "you _feel _like going left, I _feel _like going right. OK. Accepted. Now let's decide where we are going to _actually go_, together."


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

reachingshore said:


> Don't know what counselor's opinion on that would be, but instead of me telling my husband "it wasn't tiny", I'd go: "I put so much work and effort into it that hearing the result was tiny, especially from you, really hurts."


and what's funny is that HE put a lot of work and effort into it too.

I think he just genuinely didn't mean anything "bad" by the word "tiny."
I think he was just talking cold numbers.

But to ME, "tiny" is a negative criticism. 

Counseling is supposed to help us each see each other's meaning.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I know why it bothered me.
> I explained it to him.
> But the way he responded to that explanation is what made things worse, not better.
> All I was looking for is an "oh, I understand why you feel that way."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Can you tell him, can you please just understand how I feel. I am not looking for you to agree with me. Please tell me you HEARD me and UNDERSTAND what I am saying?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> and what's funny is that HE put a lot of work and effort into it too.
> 
> I think he just genuinely didn't mean anything "bad" by the word "tiny."
> I think he was just talking cold numbers.
> ...


But see, you can also decide to hear what HE is saying too. If he didn't mean criticism to him when he said it, stop applying YOUR judgment to his actions and words.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

vt, Yes, all of this happened but in a high-stress argument:

these messages were sent back and forth--"tell me you understand why it bothered me" and "I wasn't saying anything bad!"---but in a heated argument.

Thus, the possibility of true mutual understanding was lost.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> vt, Yes, all of this happened but in a high-stress argument:
> 
> these messages were sent back and forth--"tell me you understand why it bothered me" and "I wasn't saying anything bad!"---but in a heated argument.


Did you recognize HIS point of view? Seriously you need to stop these discussions when they get heated and come back to them later.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I thought I tried to recognize his pov, but I was probably more interested in repeating my own.
2 things I need to do:
1. If I don't like something he says, don't react in the moment but let him know my feelings calmly---even if it means waiting for another time.
2. If it gets heated, table it.

Trouble with #2 is that if it gets heated, he'll never want to return to the discussion.
So I need to be cognizant of #1.
hence it starts with me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I thought I tried to recognize his pov, but I was probably more interested in repeating my own.
> 2 things I need to do:
> 1. If I don't like something he says, don't react in the moment but let him know my feelings calmly---even if it means waiting for another time.
> 2. If it gets heated, table it.
> ...


You can't own the whole thing. YOU are not responsible for controlling his anger. HE is. Not getting into anger is more important than whatever it was you were talking about anyway.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> Not getting into anger is more important than whatever it was you were talking about anyway.


I so agree, not least because we lose sight of the original issue anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FCHAVEZ (Jan 20, 2011)

moonangel said:


> your wedding sounds like it was nice. 150 people? I only had 78..80 at mine...that's tiny...but i like tiny anything...except...well, you know.


lmao


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## FCHAVEZ (Jan 20, 2011)

MPOV its not worth arguing about. He said it was tiny...he didn't say it wasn't expensive, he did't say it didn't take alot of planning, and he didn't say it wasn't the happiest day of his life. What is tiny to him does not have to be tiny to you and vice versa.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

FCHAVEZ said:


> MPOV its not worth arguing about. He said it was tiny...he didn't say it wasn't expensive, he did't say it didn't take alot of planning, and he didn't say it wasn't the happiest day of his life. What is tiny to him does not have to be tiny to you and vice versa.


That is helpful.
I know how happy he was that day and how much everything with our wedding meant to him, and I also know that he does not show disappointment even if he feels it, such as when so many of his friends didn't come, so it's possible he doesn't "get" my emotional association with the word "tiny."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Another thing...

He planned two post-wedding parties to celebrate with his friends and colleagues who either couldn't come, or weren't invited to the wedding.

So he may have been insecure about the lack of HIS people at the actual wedding.

What I'd love to hear from him is: 

"I'd marry you in an empty room with just us and no one else."

But I don't know.


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