# Betrayed and Extremely Sad



## fool for love (Sep 20, 2011)

I am in an 11 year relationship, would be 10 years of marriage in December. We both are in our 2nd marriage with 1 child each and now have 8 year old twins. 

Over the last 3 years I found out on 2 occasions that my husband was "Cyber" cheating. Yesterday I found out that he purchased a prepaid phone on Friday with the intent to hide it from me. He just told me he hasn't been happy for a very long time. Last year I thought out marriage was over but he begged for forgiveness and said he would do what it takes to keep our family together and that he loved me. He went to therapy but hasn't been back in months but is seeing a psychiatrist and taking anti-depressants. This seemed to help.

We were going to court for a year because his son (my stepson) wanted to come live with us, but we lost the battle in court but had intentions of refiling this winter. 

He has just told me he loves me but is not "in love" with me and hasn't been happy for a very long time. (same words from my first husband). 

My boys knew about the infidelity last year (not through us) and it nearly destroyed them. We are not in a position when he can just move as there is too much combined debt. 

Now I have to figure out how to afford to take care of myself and the 3 I have on my own, and ofcourse still worry about my stepson as I have been his stepmom since he was 3 so as you can imagine I love him as if he were my own.

My problem is I don't know how long I can take him living with me, but I can't afford to be on my own right now. How can I mentally cope with this? Too boot, my 40th birthday is this Friday (happy birthday too me, yeah right!)

Any ideas or suggestions as I really am at a loss on how to move forward from here. Have eaten and slept in 2 days, I'm just completely destroyed. 

Any suggestions/advise/support is totally appreciated as I feel so desperately alone right now.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

yes, loving and being in love are two different things. Being in love takes very little effort. Emotions are naturally positive when you are in love. Loving takes more action and work. Your husband says he is not in-love with you? I think many couples "fall out of love" at one point or another.

With you in your situation, it sounds like your husband is still living with you, though you guys are kind of like roomates now, right? Is there any hope left for the marriage? I think you guys need to talk with each other about each other's expectations. I think you need to reflect back on the qualities that made you initially fall in love with him (and he needs to do the same with you).


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## fool for love (Sep 20, 2011)

He just dropped the bomb on me today, actually about 2 hours ago but only when I asked. Just 48 hours ago he was telling me how much loved me, planning by birthday, etc. 

I am truly still in love with him. But, with what he said to me tonight I think this there is no hope and we are going to move towards the direction of separation. I don't think he wants to take that step or put the effort into finding love again.

Right now I angry and confused. I feel betrayed, deceived and used. I am worried about our children and their emotional state once they find out. Of course we are not saying anything yet as we need to start planning out how the separation will work and how long it will take to get there. 

As of right now we are living as room mates but I know me, and I don't know how long I can deal with that. But have my children to really think about as I don't want to move too fast either. They will be in total shock and this is going to be very damaging. 

As you can tell, I'm all over the place because I am trying to wrap my head around this nightmare that I wasn't expecting. I honestly did not see this coming!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

DON'T commit to anything just yet. You should convey to him that the marriage as of this moment is on probation and that it will take him doing the heavy lifting for any marital recovery. Total transparency and a willingness to end all contact with the OW via a No Contact letter are non-negotiable.


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## fool for love (Sep 20, 2011)

Thanks Morituri, but he already said he didn't want to be married anymore. He has already made his decision. There supposedly isn't a OW this time, but I don't know if I believe him. Even if there wasn't, and he said he wants to try, I don't feel like I have any more trust in my to give him or anyone. 

History, my first marriage (first love) husband cheated, I forgave, we had a son and he gave me the "I love you but am not in-love with you" statement the night before I was scheduled to be induced. Separated when my son was 2 weeks old.

Next, boyfriend of 2 years, found out he cheated multiple times most of the 2 years (I immediately was tested for STD's)

Current husband (2nd marriage) knowing the history, seems to want to get attention from other women on the internet when he "isn't happy". Twice "cyber cheating" and the 2nd cyber there were intimate exchanges of "I love you" and plans of leaving me, as well as sexual videos. 

I guess I should have just went through the separation then instead of believing that he was going to " do what it takes", (his own words) to keep our marriage and family together. 

The feeling of betrayal and deceit as well as feelings of being taken advantage of are so heightened right now. See, I am and have been the bread winner because he never found a job he liked and every job has been one pay cut after another. Yet I do all I can to meet his needs (financially, emotionally and in the bedroom) without asking for anything in return. As you can tell I am extremely angry....


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Your husband is likely in the fog. He's not worried about any of the practical consequences of divorce. If you want to reconcile, you need to snap him back to reality.

First, you should spy on him. Put keylogger software on your computer to see who he is chatting with on the PC and exactly what is going on. Hide a voice-activated recorder in his car to record any conversations he has. If you can identify the OW, and she's married, expose the affair to her husband. This often ends affairs immediately.

Second, you should start running the 180.
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forums: Divorce busting 180 degree list
Tell your husband that you may be open to reconciliation, but you're not going to wait around and be his backup plan. The 180 will better prepare you for life as a single mom. But, it sometimes has the effect of attracting a wayward spouse back to you when they can see the effects of you slowly pulling away.

Good luck.


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

I feel like we are in the same boat. DS is still having an EA (at least contact with the OM) and is dead-set on leaving the marriage. She is in such a fog that she only sees the worse in our marriage and is fully convinced that nothing in our marriage could ever improve.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

You mean you guys got a chance to just "seperate"? I was hit with the divorce stick as soon as I found out she was officially involved with another man. I guess it absolves her guilt somewhat to not be legally bound to me as a wife anymore. I still live there, waiting for BofA to send the contract back for the house I am buying from them. Time drags on..... while I watch my wife text her new boyfriends and lovers and go out on a Saturday night and come home Sunday afternoon. At least I get to see my daughter everyday for the time being.


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## DMB324 (Sep 19, 2011)

i wouldn't be able to live in the same house as him after hearing all that. I would be completely devistated and throw his ass out. 

My advice is work on getting yourself on your feet so that you can stand alone. He seems to be at the point where he wants to go but knows that it will hurt u if he does and that sucks.

You have to move on...that's just my opinion


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## fool for love (Sep 20, 2011)

Thank you all! I don't think I want to reconcile because I don't know if I can get past all this with him. I personally am a survivor and always have been, I need to do what is right by me and my children. But I am also not a vindictive person either so I would NEVER do wrong by him in the way that my children could say I was an "Evil" ex. That is never worth it! As angry as I am, I feel very sorry for him because I don't think he will EVER find the happiness he is looking for. OR anyone that will truly be there for him the way I have been all these years. 

I am trying to figure out a financial way so that I can get him out as quickly as possible, because I know I cannot begin to heal or move forward if he is still here. This damn economy doesn't help either.

My life has been taken from under me so quickly, but I know I need to be strong because its up to me to keep my family (as a single mom) strong. I just wish I could have been better prepared OR not so freakin blind!


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

I am so sorry! You could be me, four kids, twins, ages (ours and the kids), cyber cheating, and having to reside in the same house. I have been living your hell for over a year now. It's still hard, but was so much worse in the beginning. Try to use this to your advantage, get your H to take the kids out so you can have some down time, or go out with your gf's. Trust me these things will help. We also set up a custody arrangement for weekends so that we each had the security of knowing when we (really I) could get away. I spent many weekends visiting with gf's. The support they offered was amazing. It also gave him insight into what life would be like without me and with the kids.

As far as living in the same house, ours has a basement where my exh essentially lives. We (really me) set firm boundaries. Communal living space vs private areas. I didn't want his computer anywhere near me. Make your bedroom your sanctuary if you can. Repaint, take wedding photos down, I say that bc I cried every time I passed one, and put up pictures of the kids to help with staying focused. 

Try to get him into IC, not necessarily to save the marriage but so he can make an informed choice and execute that decision while minimizing the impact on the children. Or even MC to help guide you both through the various emotions, again to help minimize the trauma on the kids.

I'm sorry I have no solid advice to give, just my personal experience to share. It does get easier, I promise. HUGS!


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## fool for love (Sep 20, 2011)

Always Hopeful, THANK YOU.

Right now I am sleeping the boys room, my oldest 15 is with his dad during the week because he has a very flexible schedule since my schedule with the twins and work is insane. My stepson 14 is with us every other weekend. His computer is in my bedroom and right now I can't even sleep in that bed. 

I was just thinking about the pictures since I am doing the same thing, but until we figure out where he is going and what he is doing, we won't tell anyone or even the kids so I can't make any changes right now. 

I know this time he won't go to IC, been down that road and I don't think he will do what he needs to for his own sake. We tried MC when he got caught last August, but the C said he is the one that needs it, not me. He went to IC but stopped in December. Once I can get things on some type of schedule I will seek IC for me because I know I will need it. 

It is so hard acting like nothing is going on with the twins (8 year old girls) but I know I have to be strong for the 5 of us. 

I just keep asking myself, why.....I have been reading all these posts from other people and again I ask WHY? Why do they hurt the ones who love them the most? I just don't get it.....


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

I wish I had the answers to give you, but sadly I do not. Trying to figure out why people do such things is a waste of your energy and time, and by the sounds of it you are very busy. So take what little focus and energy you have and put it towards the kids. They will need it, because he has proven that his main concern is himself, not his children. 

I would recommend telling one or two close friends, so that they may be there to support you and give you a big heartfelt hug when needed. Also come here often for support, these people are a wealth of information and offer an amazing support system. I wish I had found this place a year ago when my world crumbled.

Feel free to PM me anytime. I don't get on here every day, it really is busy with 4 kids.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

FFL--file for divorce and child support. 

Stop rewarding him with anything that resembles what a wife does. he wants out and to cyber cheat--no problem. He can go and do that. Tell him he can leave and he knows where the door is.


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## fool for love (Sep 20, 2011)

THANK YOU! Well, he just left today and we are telling the kids on Tuesday. He left extremely irate because I confirmed he was talking to the OW from the EA last year. The sad part is that she was only talking as a friend and was ignoring most of his messages. She also told him she was working things out with her husband with no intention of leaving him. My husband is in love with a woman that is not in love with him. They were each other's first love when they were 14 and he is living in the "what if". She told him to leave her alone so he called her a B.... and then is taking his anger out on me.

Its really hard right now but I know I will make it through, it's just going to take a lot of work and time.


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## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

I see the same thing over and over....the supposed "I'm out of love". My H told me that too. He also said there wan't another woman. For 5 months while I worked away from home due to finances that is the only way to keep up with all the bills, he lost his job. Anyway for 5 months he would tell me he wanted to work on our marriage all along having his affair EA&PA. Now he says he has stopped talking to her, it's only been 3 weeks since I found the last contact in which he lied about but then cofessed. We the BS's can't be foolish or nieve about the situation. For myself I talk to him, I tell him how I feel and he says he understands. He says he's going to Church and Counceling...but after 5 months of being programmed to believe a lie...I wonder myself. It is tough. I wonder are we fools...I still love my husband I don't know why actually, but something keeps me with him. I have been emotionally abused and tortured basically for years and I still stick it out and then the PA and I still stick it out....I wonder to myself why.....


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## fool for love (Sep 20, 2011)

onthefence16 said:


> I wonder are we fools...I still love my husband I don't know why actually, but something keeps me with him. I have been emotionally abused and tortured basically for years and I still stick it out and then the PA and I still stick it out....I wonder to myself why.....


I feel like a fool. I feel like I am such an idiot to have been so supportive,the rock, the everything in this marriage to keep our family going, to make sure he was happy and it goes on and on. As much as I hate him, I still love him.


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## Nikki1023 (Sep 24, 2011)

I dont think your a fool. I think you were in love with a person, who you realize now- didnt exist.( Def not your fault- his) Why would you be so supportive of him and try to make him happy if he was such a jerk? You wouldn't. You fell in love with him, married him and had children with him. So your natural feelings are resentment and anger. Dont blame yourself..it isnt your fault. You were faithful to him, he wasnt to you. Its not you, its him. As hard as it is to believe at times..you have to keep reminding yourself that/


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