# How have your feelings changed after things settle down



## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

How do you feel about your WS now after the emotional bonding after the stories you are told don't seem to change much anymore (you will never know everything) as you go about your daily routine and the reality of your "new" life settles in.
I know there will be several BS here whose WS hasn't made much effort if any at all or who have gotten worse and for that I am sorry, obviously your opinion has never had the chance to get better.
So now that you are past the "I can't live without them" , "what about the kids" , "The money" were are you, what's left. The emotional stuff has calmed down, it is just you and them, now how do you feel and what has changed?
I have my own things to say but I wanted some other response before I add my thoughts.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

I only view myself as legally, and not morally married. I don't believe my vows hold anymore, and haven't since the first night she slept with another man. (actually, she had numerous EAs before that, so I haven't been married for years.) 

I still love her, but not like I once did. When I look at her, sometimes i'm reminded of what she's capable of, and for that reason I will never be vulnerable with her again. I won't let myself. 

I assume if I were to truly R, she'd just cheat again eventually. Maybe not right away, but the stories of repeat cheaters doing it years down the road are not rare. 

I've come to believe cheating is in her character, and without professional help it'll happen again. 

Her promises of never cheating again mean as much to me as her wedding vows. I dont trust her at all.

I realized it's not me and her vs the world, it's just me. That's just fine. Because it's always been just me. I thought I leaned on her for support all these years, not realizing all she did was tear me down. She was never my partner, rather adding to the difficulty of life. 

To R, i'd almost have to assume a one sided open relationship, where at some point she will cheat again. 

I feel bad for her. I don't hate her or wish any ill. I feel bad for her situation, knowing she must live with the choices she made. When my sons are grown and they say "how come you and dad split?" she's going to have to tell them. 

The thought of her being with other men after me, sharing her life with them used to give me a feeling of fear. But I think i've gotten the thought of "she's my wife" out of my head. She's not my wife. 

Rather than worry about what her and some guy might do, I find myself wondering what I might do with someone else. What possibility could the future hold for me. 

I always wanted to be one of those old couples, sitting on a park bench after being married for 50 years. Staying true to each other through thick and thin. That pipe dream is flushed, at least with FWW. 

She cannot offer all I want no matter how nice she is or what she offers. Forever shes shown herself to be untrustworthy.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

love=pain said:


> How do you feel about your WS now after the emotional bonding after the stories you are told don't seem to change much anymore (you will never know everything) as you go about your daily routine and the reality of your "new" life settles in.
> I know there will be several BS here whose WS hasn't made much effort if any at all or who have gotten worse and for that I am sorry, obviously your opinion has never had the chance to get better.
> So now that you are past the "I can't live without them" , "what about the kids" , "The money" were are you, what's left. The emotional stuff has calmed down, it is just you and them, now how do you feel and what has changed?
> I have my own things to say but I wanted some other response before I add my thoughts.


Six months after DDay, five or so months into R.. 

I don't believe anything she says.. she says "I love you", and I think "yea, sure you do..." She says "you're wonderful" and I think "yea, this week.." She says "I'm so sorry for hurting you" and I hear "I'm sorry I got caught"....

So even with a wife that's doing everything she can, working overtime to cover everything needed.. I still feel empty, disappointed, depressed and angry...

I feel at times that I'm just going through the motions, other times I feel it's getting better, and there's still enough love to save it... 

As someone mentioned yesterday.. it's not day to day, it's morning to afternoon to evening for me still.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

love=pain said:


> How do you feel about your WS now after the emotional bonding after the stories you are told don't seem to change much anymore (you will never know everything) as you go about your daily routine and the reality of your "new" life settles in.
> I know there will be several BS here whose WS hasn't made much effort if any at all or who have gotten worse and for that I am sorry, obviously your opinion has never had the chance to get better.
> So now that you are past the "I can't live without them" , "what about the kids" , "The money" were are you, what's left. The emotional stuff has calmed down, it is just you and them, now how do you feel and what has changed?
> I have my own things to say but I wanted some other response before I add my thoughts.


This one hits home.

My WW had a long-term EA, plus several "inappropriate" relationships with people in the OM's circle of friends (lots of explicit sexual talk, strategizing on how to keep me from catching on, etc.) I only found out about the EA after it was over (the OM had become an alcoholic and eventually died), but the inappropriate relationships (long-distance) were still going on. I discovered all these things from email and phone. Got the usual crap (she felt "violated") and denial that any wrong was done. I wish I had TAM advice at the time, but we managed to arrive at R after several years. I'm sure she is behaving herself because I still check.

And that's my answer to the OP: Still love W, feel loved by her in return, but do not have trust. I am sure I don't have the full story (though I don't think there was ever a PA), but even if she were to do a reveal I probably wouldn't believe it. I feel like the marriage I helped create is demolished and what we have now is something that has grown up wild over the remains. We have been married 37 years and will remain so, and I would describe our situation as happy (good sex though not frequent enough for me--W's post-chemo medication largely at fault here; nest happily empty), but I do not consider that my heart will ever be fully safe in her hands again.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

I gave up on fairytale love after the breakup of my marriage because my H cheated on me.

Ten years later I met a man who made me believe in fairytale love again. Then he shattered it by cheating on me.

I am just back to reality with it all. Keeping things real again that nothing lasts forever...

I have put myself first above anyone again.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

hibiscus said:


> I gave up on fairytale love after the breakup of my marriage because my H cheated on me.
> 
> Ten years later I met a man who made me believe in fairytale love again. Then he shattered it by cheating on me.
> 
> ...


A great tragedy I see is the loyal seem to hone in on the disloyal like heat seeking missiles. 

Women with "bad boys", Doormat guys with women who use and abuse them. 

I think if anyone who's been betrayed or abused find themselves wildly attracted to someone, they should really put the brakes on and think through why.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

We are 6 months + into R after his 3rd, and he says final, EA w/sexting but not actually PA.

After things calmed down and we talked he told me after the 2nd EA (2011-2012) maybe I was too easy on him, he did not think I was that hurt. I said, so, it was my fault you fell back in with her 8 months later? Oh, no, he said, I just didn't get how hurt you were. I told him back then I had considered D but had decided not to then. How hurt would I have to be?

He told me this last time when he saw how hurt I was he knew he could not/ would not do that to me again.

I told him, truthfully, things have never been the same after the 1st time , which was 16 years ago. He said he understood, but I'm not sure if he really does. Sure we got along, lived, worked had fun together, but once that trust is breached, it never really comes back.

I believe he means what he says, now, but I do not fully trust that he won't feel somehow justified again 'sometime in the future' and that's the hard part. That you could go years, feel mostly safe and secure again, and then boom, it happens again.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Being married for almost ten years, I spent a considerable amount of time hurt, wondering why, witnessing her moving on immediately and being hurt again by that, trying to keep my chin up and take care of my kid when I had her....
After 2 years, all I see anymore is a stranger. Its very hard to imagine what life would be like if I were still with her, and it have any quality to it at all. I cannot say that all of the disgust in her is gone, but its not something that is on my mind as it used to be. 
Nowadays, the only thing that gets me to think along those lines is when some aspect of my own life (usually financially) reminds me of the amazingly penetrating effects her cheating had in so many areas. Even after all this time, still paying for it in a lot of ways, but not missing her at all.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

awake1 said:


> A great tragedy I see is the loyal seem to hone in on the disloyal like heat seeking missiles.
> 
> Women with "bad boys", Doormat guys with women who use and abuse them.
> 
> I think if anyone who's been betrayed or abused find themselves wildly attracted to someone, they should really put the brakes on and think through why.


Very true and I certainly applied this kind of thinking to my recent partner. My ex H was definitely a bad boy but this one was the complete opposite..family orientated, hardworking,liked by all ( what everyone would describe as marriage material). My mum loved him. Yet this one cheated on me too.

Go figure


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

love=pain said:


> How do you feel about your WS now after the emotional bonding after the stories you are told don't seem to change much anymore (you will never know everything) as you go about your daily routine and the reality of your "new" life settles in.
> I know there will be several BS here whose WS hasn't made much effort if any at all or who have gotten worse and for that I am sorry, obviously your opinion has never had the chance to get better.
> So now that you are past the "I can't live without them" , "what about the kids" , "The money" were are you, what's left. The emotional stuff has calmed down, it is just you and them, now how do you feel and what has changed?
> I have my own things to say but I wanted some other response before I add my thoughts.


It has been about 5 months since D day for me. The emotional stuff has calmed down. My WH will never admit to actually having intercourse with anyone else but me. He said he did everything else but that with several people. He knows and I know he is lying. Two months ago he had a wart removed from his pen!s and I have to go back next month for a second reading on a pap test.

And to answer your question what about now. Our three kids are at the age that within the next few years they will be taking flight from the nest. I devote my energy to them at this point. And as for money, I am doing what I can to have my own. (I quit my job after our third child was born). And as for my WH, I am trying to slowly detach myself from him. I still love him and care what happens to him, but.... I will never trust him again and I also don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. 

My WH is also an alcoholic and is making no plans to stop. Right now to work on myself, I am in individual, group and marriage therapy. I am also on anti depressants. And I just started to attend al-anon meetings. Some days I wake up and think I should leave and other days I wake up and think I should stay. So I have been trying to go about my daily life as normal as possible until I can get my own life in order.

One thing that hasn't changed is I still check up on him all the time. One thing that has changed is the way I look at other couples around me interacting with each other. You might say the whole thing has made me a lot more observant and my rose colored glasses are broken beyond repair.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

<<Very true and I certainly applied this kind of thinking to my recent partner. My ex H was definitely a bad boy but this one was the complete opposite..family orientated, hardworking,liked by all ( what everyone would describe as marriage material). My mum loved him. Yet this one cheated on me too.>>

My WH is (was) one for the good guys too. Loyal (was), hardworking, family man, good to his parents, religious, but not practicing, etc. 

Now i look around at my neighbors and think, if this could happen to us, what about all these other people here that look so normal and happy. How many of them have been affected/involved in affairs.

And, if my guy could do this, what's the point of looking elsewhere if we did ever split up. Go through all that trouble and end up with someone the same, or worse? No thanks, I'd be happier alone.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

hibiscus said:


> I gave up on fairytale love after the breakup of my marriage because my H cheated on me.
> 
> Ten years later I met a man who made me believe in fairytale love again. Then he shattered it by cheating on me.
> 
> ...


I think if you learned anything, you learned that changing partners will not protect you from infidelity. 

I never thought I was the cheater type. I used to abhor cheaters. 

But when my wife was no longer interested in sex. Instead of working on us, I left myself open to an affair. 

At that point, I finally understood why some people cheat. Something I never understood until I ran into problems in my marriage that enabled me to justify cheating. 

Seeing the pain I caused my wife, and her willingness to work on things will prevent me from cheating again. 

She even took blame for the lack of sex, even though I did not blame her, and that made me sad. She has corrected that. Our sex life is regular once again. 

Seeing how willing I am to change and to open my eyes and peer closely at my own issues has enabled my wife to want to reconcile. 

Both spouses need to want to reconcile. Both spouses need to be open to extreme self examination. 

If not, the reconciliation will likely fail.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Sweet Ginger said:


> and my rose colored glasses are broken beyond repair.


Is that a bad thing?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

awake1 said:


> A great tragedy I see is the loyal seem to hone in on the disloyal like heat seeking missiles.
> 
> Women with "bad boys", Doormat guys with women who use and abuse them.
> 
> *I think if anyone who's been betrayed or abused find themselves wildly attracted to someone, they should really put the brakes on and think through why.*


Don't mean to hijack. Be careful with this thought. There was no huge attraction for me. It was the bait I was looking for in a mate. I fell deeply in love with much more than just the attraction. It's what made it so hard. Sex is one thing. When you have a deep emotional connection and I believe mine was one sided, it can be much more difficult to get over. It's balance and forcing yourself to be realistic that's key. Jack over.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Made me see my husband in ways I never saw before ! Made me see things that others saw that I thought were normal,that maybe just weren't . Goes to show how love is blind ! Lots of distance between us, we're kind to each other. 

~sammy


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

This is from my Journal 

I had an epiphany about myself this morning. Since the A I find that I have no patience for BS. I used to be a peaceful guy and always tried to keep calm. Now I find myself always ready for a fight. I want to address things right away it get it done. I think this comes from the 6 months that I thought we were trying to reconcile but it was false. I look back and think if I just hammered on X and Y that July day it would have been done and not something that just kept hurting to me. I should have just exposed and addressed this with X’s wife. Thinking I was taking the high road only made myself open for more pain. I feel like these things are behind me but I cannot help feel that this has changed not my character but my outward response to things I cannot control.
I also feel like I can trust Y but I still have the looming sense of doom. I want to shake that feeling.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

russell28 said:


> Six months after DDay, five or so months into R..
> 
> I don't believe anything she says.. she says "I love you", and I think "yea, sure you do..." She says "you're wonderful" and I think "yea, this week.." She says "I'm so sorry for hurting you" and I hear "I'm sorry I got caught"....
> 
> ...


I refuse to live like this (no offence intended to you whatsoever). That's how I was living during R.

2 or 3 months away from D and that day cannot come soon enough. The day I ended our attempted R, the sun came out again.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Healer said:


> I refuse to live like this (no offence intended to you whatsoever). That's how I was living during R.
> 
> 2 or 3 months away from D and that day cannot come soon enough. The day I ended our attempted R, the sun came out again.


:iagree:

Maybe this experience has taught me that D is usually better than R. Limbo sux.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Lovemytruck said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Maybe this experience has taught me that D is usually better than R. Limbo sux.


Well I know it certainly is for you and me.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

remorseful strayer said:


> Is that a bad thing?


It is neither good nor bad. I use to be the type person to see the good in anybody or any situation. Maybe it is best that I don't think this way anymore.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Sweet Ginger said:


> It is neither good nor bad. I use to be the type person to see the good in anybody or any situation. Maybe it is best that I don't think this way anymore.


That is the same epiphany that I had...

People all have flaws. All can fail us. Consequences are sometimes bitter, but necessary.

We are here to learn. We are here to discover what makes us who we are, and what we can become.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Some great points it is comforting (sort of) to know there are others who feel like I do some days, by sort of I mean I can't find too much solace in others trials and tribulations.
I look at her now and I know I will never truly forgive her for this, to forgive you have to be able to forget on some level and I don't have that in me. I don't mean we can't go on ( talked about this in some other threads) but there will never a time when this doesn't affect me or our marriage and there isn't a way to make this right. She could spend an eternity saying sorry , I love you and crawling in her hands an knees for me and it still wouldn't fix this.
As a side point do we really know how to forgive how many times have you truly had to forgive someone and did you? The few other traumatic things people have done to me over the years I have never forgiven so what makes this event so different (yeah your spouse is supposed to be the love of your life that's what should be different but how could they take a sh1t in you like this no different than a stranger on the street).
I guess the reality is we have what we have it will probably stay just like this unless she cheats again then it doesn't matter because we will have nothing anyhow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

russell28 said:


> Six months after DDay, five or so months into R..
> 
> I don't believe anything she says.. she says "I love you", and I think "yea, sure you do..." She says "you're wonderful" and I think "yea, this week.." She says "I'm so sorry for hurting you" and I hear "I'm sorry I got caught"....
> 
> ...


My roller coaster ended after DDay #2. It occurred to me these up and down feelings, at least for me, were symptoms of denial. 

I saw in FWW what I wanted to see, not what was there. I didn't see how she didn't want to have sex with me. How she abused me, how she took advantage of me, how everything I did revolved around her and her wants. She was callous and cold, rude and treated me with contempt. My life revolved around her.

It was when I stood back and took a look at the big picture I saw the broken dynamic of my marriage. I stopped looking at her affair and began looking in the mirror. 

I don't think my story is all that rare. There's probably a great many "doormats" who find themselves in my situation. I knew even if I couldn't create physical distance I needed emotional distance. 

There was a point I reached where moving ahead in life and repeating the same mistakes became unacceptable. I had to know how I let it get this bad. But not just with FWW. 

In the end I realized I neglected myself as I worked so hard to please FWW. I neglected myself emotionally, physically, professionally and let social relationships suffer.

Making myself a priority and treating myself well meant two things (well, more like hundreds, but this comes to mind atm). 1) spoiling myself kept my mind busy. 2) I taught myself I am a complete person, and I don't need anyone else to make me whole. 

My advice: take a page from the cheaters book and treat yourself like gold, at least for awhile. BSs suffer enough, and limiting it as much as possible is a good thing.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

love=pain said:


> ...I guess the reality is we have what we have it will probably stay just like this unless she cheats again then it doesn't matter because we will have nothing anyhow.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you telling me you are settling for a bad marriage? No answer required. 

The post d-day internal debate was often filled with the thoughts of "someone else could cheat on me too."

I turned it around at some level by thinking maybe I could find a better woman. Maybe my risk would be better with a woman that hasn't cheated on me. Proven cheater WW vs. unproven woman that may/may not cheat.

I came to a point where the dice had to be rolled. My instincts told me I was worth more to someone, than my exWW. I didn't make marriage vows to have them defiled, and mocked.

A fresh start is very theraputic. It is a gamble, but it was well worth it for me.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

awake1 said:


> My roller coaster ended after DDay #2. It occurred to me these up and down feelings, at least for me, were symptoms of denial.
> 
> I saw in FWW what I wanted to see, not what was there. I didn't see how she didn't want to have sex with me. How she abused me, how she took advantage of me, how everything I did revolved around her and her wants. She was callous and cold, rude and treated me with contempt. My life revolved around her.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Best post I have read today. Thanks for sharing.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Lovemytruck said:


> Are you telling me you are settling for a bad marriage? No answer required.


Great question and I feel the need to answer

I don't think I am settling for a bad marriage, maybe a marriage that isn't all warm and fuzzy, head over heels the sun rises and sets with her kinda of marriage.

We have always gotten along very well (her infidelity the exception of course) very compatible have many of the same interests and we always have fun when we are together. We have had our issues but nothing more than most couples who have been together for several years do, some apathy towards what we both needed for one.

We have a very active and fun sex life once again always have since we were dating till just last night and maybe tonight.

We have history together, a house full of kids that we both work hard to raise.
And yes I still love her not in the way I used to but the love and commitment are still there for me.


So when I say we have what we have and it will always be the same to me it meant that her cheating will always taint the water of our marriage but we can still drink it's just not as sweet as before.

Can I find that head over heels love again with someone else? You bet I am just not sure that is such a big deal to me anymore or if I need that to survive.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

love=pain said:


> Great question and I feel the need to answer
> 
> I don't think I am settling for a bad marriage, maybe a marriage that isn't all warm and fuzzy, head over heels the sun rises and sets with her kinda of marriage.
> 
> ...


Good answer!

I hope things continue to improve for you.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

I am giving myself some time to process it but I am so angry. Every times he's on his phone or computer I get triggered. I can't live with his behavior.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Healer said:


> I refuse to live like this (no offence intended to you whatsoever). That's how I was living during R.
> 
> 2 or 3 months away from D and that day cannot come soon enough. The day I ended our attempted R, the sun came out again.


I have some other factors too that I'm considering, like my youngest is a year and a half away from turning 18... No offense taken, I understand the emotional roller coaster, and if I find I'm in the place you ended up at, I might end up down the D path too... I'm still too soon out to really know what I want yet, I'm still struggling with it all...


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Question, and I dont mean to hijack this thread, but you folks here maybe be one's that have been asked from your ww's. 

What do most of you say when your ww ask , "Didnt anything else matter in our relationship ? Didnt any of the other good things I did have valve , or out weight what I've done? What about all the years , all the years of of good things, dont they matter? "
Of course, my answer is always the same, "Yes, but to you(he) they seem not to be." 

Just wondering how others handle these questions. 

~sammy


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

sammy3 said:


> Question, and I dont mean to hijack this thread, but you folks here maybe be one's that have been asked from your ww's.
> 
> What do most of you say when your ww ask , "Didnt anything else matter in our relationship ? Didnt any of the other good things I did have valve , or out weight what I've done? What about all the years , all the years of of good things, dont they matter? "
> Of course, my answer is always the same, "Yes, but to you(he) they seem not to be."
> ...


"You mean all those years of good wonderful things that you took a big steaming dump on... They used to matter to me...."


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

<<What do most of you say when your ww ask , "Didnt anything else matter in our relationship ? Didnt any of the other good things I did have valve , or out weight what I've done?* What about all the years , all the years of of good things, dont they matter? "*
Of course, my answer is always the same, "Yes, but to you(he) they seem not to be." 

Just wondering how others handle these questions. >>

My response to that would be: Well, they didn't matter to YOU, but now it's up to me to be the 'reasonable' person and give you/us another chance? It's all on ME now?
One time when he said something similar to this he raised his voice as if I was being cruel and unkind. 

Then I got mad and said "Don't you DARE raise your voice to me' you are in no position to be mad at me!" and I left. That is the day I went out and bought 2 VARS. I did not tell him where I was going or when I would be back. Before that I felt kind of strange about buying them. Not after that.

Turns out though, I used them for 2-3 months and never heard anything unusual in the car. I may use them again some day as there was an 8 month lull in activity the last time (false R as he was thinking of her and had to contact her to see how she was doing, blah, blah , blah), and we are coming up on the anniversary of him starting up with her at the end of October, 2 years in a row. I think I might be triggering about that now.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

sammy3 said:


> Question, and I dont mean to hijack this thread, but you folks here maybe be one's that have been asked from your ww's.
> 
> What do most of you say when your ww ask , "Didnt anything else matter in our relationship ? Didnt any of the other good things I did have valve , or out weight what I've done? What about all the years , all the years of of good things, dont they matter? "
> Of course, my answer is always the same, "Yes, but to you(he) they seem not to be."
> ...



MY FWW asked me this, in a form. "But what about all the good times we had? It's not all bad." 

My answer was: The cheating made it empty and meaningless. Those good times built a foundation for the future. The infidelity destroyed that future. 

After all, if you're building a skyscraper and then collapse the foundation, what good are all the floors on top of it? It turns them to rubble just the same.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I still love her as much as I did before.

But it took me a long time to start to trust her again and the trust is never like it was before. Not quite.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

awake1 said:


> MY FWW asked me this, in a form. "But what about all the good times we had? It's not all bad."
> 
> My answer was: The cheating made it empty and meaningless. Those good times built a foundation for the future. The infidelity destroyed that future.
> 
> After all, if you're building a skyscraper and then collapse the foundation, what good are all the floors on top of it? It turns them to rubble just the same.


WW and I are reconciled, so the question is not one that comes up anymore, but in the months (and years) post-Dday and pre-R it did, and my response always was: How can I know any of it was real?


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

<<"But what about all the good times we had? It's not all bad." >>

Same here, we had a year of false R, because part way through he couldn't stand not knowing how she was doing as he felt they broke it off so abruptly the first time. Well yeah, I was not going to deal with a long drawn out thing. 

When I explained to him that the "wonderful year" we had was now not so wonderful he said it still was for him. Of course! HE knew what was going on, HE had two women who wanted him. I didn't know what was going on. 

All those great memories are gone, replaced by the thought that I was once again the fool made to live in the dark and made to believe falsities.

How could they think we would savor the past "good times" after that.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

<<But it took me a long time to start to trust her again and the trust is never like it was before. Not quite.>>

Nope , never will again, just the way it is now. That's why I don't feel too badly when I get angry or sad about it. It didn't have to be this way, so if he has to live with knowing it was all on him, so be it.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

PamJ said:


> <<"But what about all the good times we had? It's not all bad." >>
> 
> Same here, we had a year of false R, because part way through he couldn't stand not knowing how she was doing as he felt they broke it off so abruptly the first time. Well yeah, I was not going to deal with a long drawn out thing.
> 
> ...


That's the thing that most cheaters don't seem to get. Their infidelity has not only ruined the present and probably the future, but the past as well. How much of the '"good times" were lies too? In the dark days before R my WW would say "Why can't we just put this behind us and move on?" Move on from what??


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

This topic really struck a chord with me. It is so affirming reading all of what you have to say. Basically, my WH wants to put his indiscretion behind us. He feels tremendous guilt everyday, but does not understand why I continue to "dwell on the past". Why can't I just move forward and embrace the positive of our R. I've started to feel guilty for the way I was feeling ( a lot like all of you mention in your replies). After reading all of these replies, it completely made me feel normal. I am not crazy! His answer was normal is a relative term. Interesting.... 

For some reason, I am unable to just move on and put this betrayal behind us. He blames my lack of moving on, onto me saying that coming to this site "stirs it up". Maybe it does, or maybe I am just not ok with being betrayed, hurt and disappointed. It feels so frustrating and so confusing. 

I want my old life back where I believed in happily ever after. I NEVER thought this would have happened in our marriage. Shame on him for taking away this innocence and violating "us". I know that I want to move forward in the right direction, I am just unsure in how to make that happen. :scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

brokenhearted118 said:


> This topic really struck a chord with me. It is so affirming reading all of what you have to say. Basically, my WH wants to put his indiscretion behind us. He feels tremendous guilt everyday, but does not understand why I continue to "dwell on the past". Why can't I just move forward and embrace the positive of our R. I've started to feel guilty for the way I was feeling ( a lot like all of you mention in your replies). After reading all of these replies, it completely made me feel normal. I am not crazy! His answer was normal is a relative term. Interesting....
> 
> For some reason, I am unable to just move on and put this betrayal behind us. He blames my lack of moving on, onto me saying that coming to this site "stirs it up". Maybe it does, or maybe I am just not ok with being betrayed, hurt and disappointed. It feels so frustrating and so confusing.
> 
> I want my old life back where I believed in happily ever after. I NEVER thought this would have happened in our marriage. Shame on him for taking away this innocence and violating "us". I know that I want to move forward in the right direction, I am just unsure in how to make that happen. :scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:


This is very similar to a conversation FWH and I had just a couple weeks ago. We have made great strides in our R and the increased communication is phenominal. I don't think, at 16 months, that it could be considered rug-sweeping as much as I could call myself STUCK. Stuck with this pain, and he is stuck with a label. Each of his kids (all 18+) have let him know individually how his actions have hurt them. He feels like a POS and knows he let us all down, and it seems no matter how hard he tries to prove to all of us that he's committed to me, something happens or I trigger, or, as just last night when I was working and he went to the youngest's football game, his Ex wife asked where his "bodyguard" (me) was, just to throw in his face that his singular presence at the game was an unusual occurrence. 
He told me just a couple nights ago (again) that he is so very sorry for what he has done to me and to us, and that he understands that I will never fully trust him again and is ok with that, and says he just wants to love me and very much wants me to "please let go and let me love you" because he realizes that the pain I've held onto prevents me from letting him in. He knows I'm protecting my heart. I can't tell you how many nights as he falls asleep he mumbles "Please just love me". I do love him, but I can't look at him and see the little boy who chased me on the playground in 2nd grade, who passed me notes saying we would grow up and get married. Our "story" isn't special anymore. 
Yes, things have settled down, my feelings have gone from powerlessness and grief, now to acceptance of what happened as real and life-changing, mixed with bouts of incredible anger and sadness. 
Wow, that was long. Sorry.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

brokenhearted118 said:


> This topic really struck a chord with me. It is so affirming reading all of what you have to say. Basically, my WH wants to put his indiscretion behind us. He feels tremendous guilt everyday, but does not understand why I continue to "dwell on the past". Why can't I just move forward and embrace the positive of our R. I've started to feel guilty for the way I was feeling ( a lot like all of you mention in your replies). After reading all of these replies, it completely made me feel normal. I am not crazy! His answer was normal is a relative term. Interesting....
> 
> For some reason, I am unable to just move on and put this betrayal behind us. He blames my lack of moving on, onto me saying that coming to this site "stirs it up". Maybe it does, or maybe I am just not ok with being betrayed, hurt and disappointed. It feels so frustrating and so confusing.
> 
> I want my old life back where I believed in happily ever after. I NEVER thought this would have happened in our marriage. Shame on him for taking away this innocence and violating "us". I know that I want to move forward in the right direction, I am just unsure in how to make that happen. :scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:


One of the basic truisms in recovering from an affair is that there is no timetable, and that the betrayed partner gets as much time as s/he needs. When the WS tries to hurry things along the recovery is set back. There is something you need from him to move ahead that you are not getting. You also have to come to terms with the reality that you cannot return to the old life.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Philat, 

How is is going for you w r ? I havent been able to 
read all of your story , but maybe you can shed some light foe us ? 

~sammy


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

brokenhearted118 said:


> This topic really struck a chord with me. It is so affirming reading all of what you have to say. Basically, my WH wants to put his indiscretion behind us. He feels tremendous guilt everyday, but does not understand why I continue to "dwell on the past". Why can't I just move forward and embrace the positive of our R. I've started to feel guilty for the way I was feeling ( a lot like all of you mention in your replies). After reading all of these replies, it completely made me feel normal. I am not crazy! His answer was normal is a relative term. Interesting....
> 
> For some reason, I am unable to just move on and put this betrayal behind us. He blames my lack of moving on, onto me saying that coming to this site "stirs it up". Maybe it does, or maybe I am just not ok with being betrayed, hurt and disappointed. It feels so frustrating and so confusing.
> 
> I want my old life back where I believed in happily ever after. I NEVER thought this would have happened in our marriage. Shame on him for taking away this innocence and violating "us". I know that I want to move forward in the right direction, I am just unsure in how to make that happen. :scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:


You're coming to this site because it's already 'stirred up'.. and right now, he should be telling you that whatever you need, he'll do.. and he'll be okay with.. even if that's reading this site.

You are having perfectly normal thoughts, they sound similar to mine, only my wife would instead of saying not to dwell on the past, tell me how sorry she is that she hurt me and how much she values being able to be in my life for another day etc... It doesn't fix anything, but I'd prefer that over her telling me to not dwell on it... 

I try to stay positive, but c'mon, there are times when it'll be in your head and you'll say 'wtf' and get angry and hurt... those are times my wife will tell me 'I totally understand why you're angry, you should be, I don't deserve to be here with you' or something along those lines.. Your husband can't rush this, or minimize what he did. It could be years before you're no longer 'dwelling' on it... He needs to accept that he did that to you.

You will never have a 'happily ever after' now, no fairy tale ending thanks to his selfishness.. but you can still have a good life, and enjoy yourself and be happy. 

I used to wonder why people have depression, I'd watch TV commercials and think "what could be so bad that people can't move past it and need drugs to fix it?" Now I totally know thanks to my wife cheating on me. So that's another way my feelings have changed.. I used to be a very happy soul, proud of my marriage and my accomplishments in life.. now I'm a sad soul that feels like my dreams have been shattered. I fight every day to stay positive.. Your husband needs to know that it's a struggle, not something you can flip a switch and boom.. you're positive.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I used to be a very happy soul said:


> ...And I'm told, to look around, it could be so much worst ! That we are our own worst enemy!
> 
> I too now, get it about depression, something I never, ever, even had to worry about.
> 
> ...


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## stuck on hold (Sep 16, 2013)

awake1 said:


> My roller coaster ended after DDay #2. It occurred to me these up and down feelings, at least for me, were symptoms of denial.
> 
> I saw in FWW what I wanted to see, not what was there. I didn't see how she didn't want to have sex with me. How she abused me, how she took advantage of me, how everything I did revolved around her and her wants. She was callous and cold, rude and treated me with contempt. My life revolved around her.
> 
> ...



so so sad but so so true.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

sammy3 said:


> Philat,
> 
> How is is going for you w r ? I havent been able to
> read all of your story , but maybe you can shed some light foe us ?
> ...


Sammy,

Thanks for asking. I haven't told my story in a single narrative here, but perhaps it's time to do so. I'll try to do so in the next couple of days. It's basically the same old EA story, but it does have a couple of unusual twists, and I do have some perspective over time that might be useful to some TAMers.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

How do I feel now at 4.5 years out? Still mixed. Ever been in a car that is poorly aligned and it insist on steering itself off the road? You find yourself not paying attention and drifting close to that edge; you need to abruptly hack at the steering wheel to correct the direction. That’s what it feels like. An old beater car with a bad alignment that you now have to mind or it will kill you.

And that car... you just have some sort of irrational sentimental attachment to it. You know every scratch, every story behind those dents, every shake and shimmy and what it means or what might be ready to break. You live with the constant knowledge that it’s old, might break down at any time, and isn’t as reliable as getting some new thing. It isn’t even all that pretty anymore, but you are still drawn to it. But when you floor it now, it purrs and launches now that it’s tuned and you are taking care of it. Nothing else can replace it... nor can you forget where it’s nearly killed you before. 

Same car.... so many more emotions associated with it.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

This thread is incredibly insightful.

It should be required reading for every S who is contemplating or drifting into an A, every BS who is trying to decide between R and D and every WS who wants to understand what his or her BS is going through. Come to think about it, everyone who is in a committed relationship should read it to better understand the consequences of infidelity.

Thanks for starting it, love=pain, and to all the rest of you who have shared (or will share) your experiences.


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