# Just not an easy topic for me.



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

First, im a BS... 

We are three years now past D-day. 

About four or five months before D-day my husband had a vasectomy after the birth of third and last son. 

Rationally i was on board with the whole idea... BUT emotionally i had my misgivings. I asked my husband to wait, and he was not willing. He could not conceive of why I would hesitate, but i just wanted to give myself time to be sure how i felt. I was feeling rushed into it, and in the end he would not heed my voiced concerns. 

After D-day, i was shattered. He was cheating on me all along through the third/last pregnancy and I was miserable because he was treating me so poorly through the pregnancy low and behold now i get and understand why.... 

I have wished to have another baby in the last three years, but not always with him... 

I confess wanting another baby is a small factor i have had in influencing me to divorce. 

But here is the facts. 
-I have heart problems. Though i gave birth to three children without complication I was high risk during delivery. 
-I have three beautiful sons. Is it fair for me to want more? To divorce because maybe i want more kids? My gut says no.... 

-The marriage is getting much better, and the kids are busy, stressful...etc. 

The reason this is rearing it's ugly head now is because i had a very vivid dream that i was pregnant. My belly felt that full feeling like i swallowed a little lead ball and it settled down low in my belly, the sensation of pregnancy that i remember well. i even felt it kick and move about which just gave me a strong sense of joy in my dream. 

I felt my hope that it was a girl, but still just so happy to have it inside and making presence known. 
I woke and my reality was depressing. My hand went to my stomach and i started mourning my baby that i had to leave in my dreams. 

I honestly feel like i have had a miscarriage. I have been crying all morning... 

I told my husband about it (i was not crying when i talked about it) he just reiterated he does not want to reverse the vasectomy. (I have asked him if he would ever entertain getting a reversal done...He said no.) 

So there it is, i am mourning a child i was never pregnant with... I am feeling crushed this morning. 

I am somewhat spiritual and i worry that this was a child asking to be concieved...and i feel obligated to refuse the request. 

I don't know what i need, I feel crazy. 
:crying::crying::crying::crying::crying::crying:


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need counselling to help you with your emotions and your needs.

Now I think I know why you are @threelittlestars and that is so beautiful.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

threelittlestars said:


> -I have heart problems. Though i gave birth to three children without complication I was high risk during delivery.
> 
> -I have three beautiful sons. Is it fair for me to want more?
> 
> ...


Sometimes, if not most of the time, it's wise to listen to your practical brain over your hurting heart. You've just listed several very good reasons why having another baby isn't practical. I'll pose two more.

-Divorcing to have another child when you already have three, may put you in a position you'd forever regret being in - for you and the children. Financially, emotionally and psychologically. 

-I suspect you want a little girl more than you want a baby. 50 percent chance that won't happen if you divorce.

Of course this is from a male's perspective, but I do understand wanting a little girl with 3 boys. I've felt the same way.

You will be okay.


----------



## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

I see a lot of reasons to not have another one (not the least of which is your health), and only one reason to do so....because you want it. But, just as women's bodies are theirs and they can virtually force a child on a man (or take a man's child away), a man's body is his, and he can stand his ground as well. Now, it depends on the person if either one of those scenarios is a "deal breaker" or not. 

I'm not sure divorce just for this reason is sufficient. Only you can answer that. But being a single mom with three children, it may be a little tougher to find a quality mate who wants to take that on. If your marriage is truly "getting much better", that should bring you much long term happiness, in addition to a family unit that is doing well together which already includes 3 children. Assuming your marriage is on solid ground (other than the dispute over the desire for another child), why not be thankful for the blessings you have?

If you divorce, consider it due to his infidelity if you are unable to put it behind you and / or because he made a unilateral family decision which you just cannot agree with. But to do so just because you want to find someone to father another child? I don't know....that just seems wrought with much more trouble and heartache than you may be bargaining for.

There are many reasons a man would not want another child. One is the financial impact. Impact on the family. Impact on ability to fund future education for the three present children. Impact on resources to fund things with the existing family. Impact on retirement. And.....impact financially on him if you eventually do divorce.

Then there's the impact on day to day life. As you are fully aware, raising a newborn has a tremendous impact on day to day life. Perhaps he feels he just is not ready for that again at this point in his life. Maybe that will change, maybe it won't. Only time can tell. But for whatever reasons, I think that has to be respected. His choice. Question is, can you live with it? If not, you have your answer. But don't be so sure it is a "better" answer or will improve your life from where you are now.


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

I agree very much with the logic. 

(just to clarify i did not ask him to reverse this morning. I asked him perhaps a year or more ago. I don't know.) I agree and respect his decision. Truth is even if he did agree i would not be all in favor of jumping in and having a baby right away. 

Before this dream it was only the option I wanted. All the reasons listed above still stays my hand. 

But if it were a deal breaker, we are 30 years old. I only have about 4-7 years of healthy reproductive years. 

If we were to break up and divorce somewhere down the line i can totally picture him falling for a girl and agreeing to reverse for her. That would break me apart. So maybe an irrational fear because it is not fact but it is a fear of mine. 

It's kinda a **** or get off the pot time in my life... I am just so sad because rationalizing minded thought leans me to stability... and that is where i need to let go of some hopes... Some possible dreams. 

It just makes me so sad today....


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

threelittlestars said:


> I agree very much with the logic.
> 
> (just to clarify i did not ask him to reverse this morning. I asked him perhaps a year or more ago. I don't know.) I agree and respect his decision. Truth is even if he did agree i would not be all in favor of jumping in and having a baby right away.
> 
> ...


For the sake of you and your children, I strongly recommend that you and your husband get some extensive marriage counseling. 

You need to work through his cheating on you during your pregnancy. i would wager this is more about that and how you view him as gotten "fixed" as an enabling move on his part to cheat more rather than as a form of birth control.

Good luck


----------



## Aletta (Aug 7, 2017)

Sending hugs your way ❤

These things are hard. I get it. I have two lovely kids and would love to have more, but in my marital circumstances - recovering from husband's A, plus him being diagnosed with a mood disorder, I understand this would not be a good idea. Plus, I'm 40, so not exactly young.

When the mood strikes I let it pass. This is how I deal with pain generally: I don't fight it, I just wait it out. I am also mourning a baby that has never been conceived, I have accepted this to be my reality. 

I know my post is not exactly helpful, I can't tell you what to do. I just want you to know you are not alone and that many women understand how you feel.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How have the two of you dealt with his infidelity? Who did he cheat with? What has he done to make sure this doesn’t happen again? How did you catch him?
Are you glad you have reconciled with him?
Realistically speaking, you have three children that need their mother, would it not be a catastrophe for them if something happened to you ? I would not divorce him to have another child for that reason. Having three boys is a wonderful blessing in itself. Maybe the real problem is that you simply can’t get over is cheating and disrespect. Their is no reason to tolerate him if you don’t want to. You owe him exactly nothing. You have given him a gift he doesn’t deserve. Cheating relieved him of any rights he had to you.


----------



## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

Stars,

Like you, my first pregnancy was at a time when I later found out that my husband was not being honest with me or fully invested in our marriage. I felt very strongly that my baby was a girl (and I knew that she would have the same off-beat sense of humour and not-quite-curly hair that I do.) At around 14 weeks, I had a miscarriage. I know that miscarriages at that stage are very common and nature's way etc. etc. But even though I was lucky enough to have 2 further problem-free pregnancies and give birth to happy, healthy, gorgeous sons (where my husband was far more committed and involved), I have always felt a strong sense of loss around this. 

I used to sometimes look at mothers with young daughters and think about the close relationship that I have with my mom and covet them. Just a bit. And resent my husband for that, as little practical sense as that made. A few years ago, I spoke to a very wise woman who counselled me through many of the traumas of my growing up as an adult (mostly by calling me on my ****). I told her that I felt that I was being ungrateful for my sons, almost betraying them by having those feelings. She comforted me with all the right words and then she said something that I have held close ever since. "Only some daughters are born. Others come through adoption or when sons marry ... or simply when a young woman desperately needs a mother that she doesn't have. It's your job to be ready." I have chosen to see those words as a promise from my higher power. 

As to the feelings around your husband, the passing of time and divorce. My husband's infidelity has forever changed how I see both him and our marriage. That said, I do think that coping with disillusionment is a natural part of growing up and making space for that which is more real than our dreams. (Not that we shouldn't have dreams, but rather that we shouldn't let them take up space meant for other things.) But coping with infidelity is about packing a lot of disillusionment into a very short space of time. Which some relationships just can't survive. And that's OK. But I do think that that isn't a forgone conclusion. And 3 years in, you know what coping with this entails. It does sound to me like you still have some issues to work through or out with your husband (don't we all?). And maybe that is a sign that all is not entirely well and you need to think about that. And perhaps about speaking to him honestly about what both of you can do to make your relationship more rewarding (for both of you). A crisis in trust, or at least in feelings of trust, is usually trying to tell us something. 

But, you know how we can get all panic-stricken just before climbing on an airplane or even leaving an end of season sale? When we suddenly become consumed with thoughts of missed opportunities that we can never return to, or irreversible changes just around the corner. Maybe some of your feelings are simply coming just from knowing that your life is growing and changing? And you can't go back to being the mother of a baby. Because you aren't supposed to be that person anymore (rather like me and whoever is supposed to wear those rather strange camo leggings that I bought in such a hurry last month.) My therapist recently cautioned me about falsely labelling feelings. It is still too easy for me, post D-day, to label anything that is about loss, uncertainty and anxiety as automatically being about my marriage or problems within it. Calibrating myself back into seeing some of those things as a natural part of life (and nothing to do with my reasonably happy and stable marriage) is my challenge for the next few months. 

And then because you are feeling sad, I share a little slightly relevant silliness http://theawkwardyeti.com/comic/drama/


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

A real heart felt thank you. All of your words and suggestions help. 

As to the affair and infidelity for the most part we are Reconciled. Numerous EA, and near PA two times. He chickened out. (PROVEN BY POLYGRAPH 2 and half years in recovery.) So if i can trust the machine and examiner he never physically cheated... Does not matter i found all the letters and emails and texts... so i know all the awful details...ALL OF THEM. 

We are doing very well in many respects 3 years later, but this baby thing does pop up from time to time, but not like this. This was like hitting a brick wall of baby feelings. 

I have had three years of sorting feelings, I have also had IC but not for this, and she was very little help...Have looked for another but was not impressed with sessions with any of them.


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Stop having freakn' kids. You do not have a stable environment. You already have 3. Bringing another human into the world will not solve your issues. 

Please tell me you are taking care of yourself. Everyone that I know in your situation has let themselves go and looking at other things to fill the emptiness inside them. Do a quick self checkup on yourself. Do you go to the doctor? Are you at a healthy and attractive weight? Is your mind in the right place? Do you think of self harm or suicide? Do you drink, smoke, or do drugs?

Why did you husband cheat on you? What's his honest reason? A man in love, in lust, and desiring his wife will not cheat on her. At least a logical and sober man. A man worth having.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to consider the children you already have. You have heart problems. Your pregnancy would be high risk for both you and another child. You sons could lose their mother. Take care of yourself for the children you already have.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Emotionally, you are mourning what could have been and it hurts. Logically, you know there would be substantial risks involved in another pregnancy -- plus your husband is opposed. Go with logic. There are always missed opportunities in life that we regret but have to let go.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

I get that your husband is a cheater, but do you really feel his only purpose at this point in your marriage is a sperm donor? From the sound of your post, that's all you see him as. If that's the case then divorce him and move on. To expand on what @EleGirl said: You said you were spiritual, have you ever thought that it worked out like this because the next childbirth may have killed you due to the heart problems? It would suck pretty bad for your 3 boys for you to divorce their Dad only to die in childbirth with your next husband/SO. If you did have another one and it was a boy how many more times would you want to try?
I'd suggest getting some professional help with this, especially the coping with dreams vs. reality.


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Rubix Cubed said:


> I get that your husband is a cheater, but do you really feel his only purpose at this point in your marriage is a sperm donor? From the sound of your post, that's all you see him as. If that's the case then divorce him and move on. To expand on what @EleGirl said: You said you were spiritual, have you ever thought that it worked out like this because the next childbirth may have killed you due to the heart problems? It would suck pretty bad for your 3 boys for you to divorce their Dad only to die in childbirth with your next husband/SO. If you did have another one and it was a boy how many more times would you want to try?
> I'd suggest getting some professional help with this, especially the coping with dreams vs. reality.


I do not only see him as a donor. I have had zero complications in any of my pregnancies regardless of them being high risk (only in delivery). So this may give me a false sense of security that there would be no complications, (however I REALIZE that even when mother and child are 100% healthy things can go wrong. 

On normal days having another child is not on my mind. And only when our marriage has been on the rocks have i entertained ideas of the possibilities with regards to other relationships. But it has been a very long time that these thoughts have come. 

I WANT TO REITERATE that this is not something that normally effects me in this way. This dream was one of the most vivid of my life, and i dream a good deal. 

Now a few days later i am alright. I have not completely let go of my sadness but I am no longer all over the place. Have not talked about it again with him. 

I know his feelings on this, and he knows mine. He has a right to his own reproductive choice, and i have a right to feel a little bad about it from time to time. I dont have a right to make him suffer for it... So i don't lash out in anger. 

I am not trying to be selfish, and this is why i wanted to discuss my feelings here. Fist off, it's free where counseling costs money. And forums have always helped me a damn sight more that paying 70$ an hour to do this with a bored glassy eyed therapist who is just listening to my problems to cash a paycheck. 

I just wanted a sounding board. And I got that.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

I didn't mean to imply forego TAM for professional help, I meant in addition to.
I get the vivid dream thing, I had one not too long ago about a great friend who passed from cancer some years back and I woke up crushed, but I recognized it as a dream and certainly wouldn't make any serious decisions (such as divorce) because of it.


----------

