# Need some advice...



## dadeex5 (Mar 8, 2010)

I have been married almost 19 years and a few years ago we adopted a little girl. She was about 2 at the time. She is now 7 and has several issues ie. ADHD, ODD, and the tantrums and fights are getting worse. We are seeing counslers and such but not seeing much improvement. The main issue is that my wife is to the point where she feels she cant handle any more and on several occasions has said that either my daughter goes or she does. This cuts me in half. How do you make such a choice? I love my wife dearly, i also love my adopted daughter. They arguements are taring our family apart. What is a caring father and loving husband to do?


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

You don't mention it so I thought I would ask - is your daughter on medications to help control the ADHD and ODD? 

Personally - I'd have to pick the child. You chose (more so than other parents) to have a child. Parents who give natural birth to children with those same issues don't call it quits and give up their child for adoption. Its part of being a parent. We don't get to pick and choose when we are and when we aren't. You can't give up just because its hard (I'd say the same thing about marriage as well). Now saying that - I can understand how it is stressful and I think your wife is stressed to the breaking point. I would talk to your medical doctor as well as look for a different counselor if this one isn't working. Also see if you can find a Nanny (for lack of a better term) that has experience with these conditions in order to help you and your wife and help to give you a break.


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## dadeex5 (Mar 8, 2010)

She is on meds and they help with some behaviors but not others. My wife is at, or maybe even passed the breaking point. I am still trying to get more help for my daughter via theripists and such but my wife just can't find it in her to care anymore. She feels that she has given up family, friends, work, everything at the hands of this little girl. Now she feels that she is failing me as well and we are not going to make it much longer. How do I help her feel that bond with her adopted daughter? or at least keep it from tearing our family apart?


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## momof6girls (Jan 11, 2010)

even with a natural born child with health issues the mother can get to that i am failing or at my breaking point and be ready to throw the hands up in the air. may be easier to say it is because of the fact it is an adoptive child that you (wife) can say not mine so not dealing but truly not the case.

what are the options you have realizticly... money wise and best for the child. is the child in any programs that give time to wife for her time to herself? a day program or a night program that child can safely go to learn or be watched even a few days a week.

you can't make that bond that comes or in some cases it doesn't i have friends that adopted and the father in this case even with out any medical issues had that same issue... they ended up contacting people in there area (that also adopted) and there were counslers to help and just the fact that he felt bad and awful he did not have that made him feel like a bad person and since finding a group to talk within has made it better for him.

And with your wife the health issues would add to the feeling she may feel bad for not caring or wanting to more.


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