# My Wife Is Staying Away, Doesn't Want Me There...



## pfloyd75 (Dec 9, 2012)

Hello: Currently, my wife and I are having a lot of trouble in our marriage. We've reached a point where my wife isn't sure if she wants to continue working on the marriage, even though she's willing to talk to a marriage counselor--albeit via Skype, from out of state, where she works. 

I called her today to ask if I can come to Dallas (I'm in Detroit) to be with her over New Year's and her son (whom I have had problems with because of his actions which caused our marriage to vastly change) is there with her. 

I feel so hurt, angry, depressed that she is (yet again) picking to be with him over me.

I think I should start looking for a place of my own to live. How do I combat this anger, hurt and depression seeing my marriage crumble before my very eyes?


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Hi Pfloyd,

I think you are in the situation where the so called Betalization is working against you.

You cannot 'nice her' into loving you. Start ignoring her, let it be, and start working on yourself. Do the '180'. Get yourself standing up with both feet on the ground. Then look around what female there will be available for you. Oh yeah, you might take her in consideration again, but you might also love somebody else.

If she could come back to you, nothing gets her quicker back than that new way of living your life.


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## pfloyd75 (Dec 9, 2012)

Hi S.L.L.! Thank you very much for the very intuitive reply! I have not heard of "Betalization" however, it sounds like what you've described that I'm trying to do ("nice her back") versus what I should be doing (taking care of myself, first). 

I appreciate your insight and it makes very good sense! Maybe my post and questions were a bit inane because of the 128 views of my post, you were the only one who replied! So thank you for your time and consideration and good advice too! Much appreciated! I'll try this method out and see what happens from here.

Take care and hope we meet again online! Happy New Year!


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

No not inane, (I had to look up that word  ) but in other parts of the forum there is more talked about the subject.

If you look for 'betalization' you will find lots of threads on the subject.

The point being that if you come over as 'weak' in the eyes of the female species your are not relation material anymore.

So manning up is the first course of action. That will benefit you, whatever she chooses to do, or if you have 'manned up', what YOU choose to do.

The trouble is that some of the behaviour women respond OK to is just opposite as to what sensitive men would think is demanded.

If you give more details, and maybe have your thread moved to the general relationship part of the forum you will get more reactions.

Keep posting anyway!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old is her son?

How long have the two of you been married?


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## pfloyd75 (Dec 9, 2012)

Hi EleGirl! Thanks for checking in on this. In answer to your questions, her son is 25 and we have been married just over five years (my first and I'm 54 and her second--her first was 25 years ago for one year--and she's 52).

Its a long sordid story, but basically, her son has lots of emotional baggage, was beaten by his dad when he lived with him for a few years during his early teens and my wife is more or less an enabler. He got hooked on Vicodin--due to having kidney stones all the time and that's what the hospital kept giving him--and my wife who worked as a nurse for a doctor, had the doctor's prescription pad at home as the doc called in prescriptions sometimes for her to fill out. Her son got the pad and wrote his own prescriptions for Vicodin for over a year until he got caught.

It cost my wife her job, and put us in terrible debt--all this just as we were getting married. Its been a very tempestuous relationship I've had with her son--he's very moody, dour, non-communicative, despite my best efforts.

On the flip side, I've had my own problems with alcohol a good part of my life--not a falling-down drunk, but an alcoholic nonetheless and I used drinking as my coping mechanism for the stress he caused us and my anger, resentment and hurt toward my wife has built up over the past few years to where we have grown apart. He's moved out of the house, but his specter still looms over our marriage. Case in point is that he is with her now in Dallas instead of me--because of how I've acted and behaved while very drunk toward her, its chipped away at our marriage to where we're both not in a good place. 

Maybe this is just desserts for me, I don't know, but I hate the thought of an otherwise good marriage--which it was for the most part when her son was out of the picture--going bad when it could be saved....but then again, maybe not.

There's fault on both sides and to that end, we may be too far gone to save it. If so, I just want to know so I can pick up the pieces and go on....

Thanks for listening!


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