# Leaving your crossdressing husband....



## nextlifechance

Last time I posted on here was Halloween weekend and this forum saved me that night. I wish you could all follow me around in real life. The main theme was to RUN and LEAVE and I agree BUT I know I may catch heat for still being here but the last two weeks have been harder than anything I have ever been through and I've ben through quite a bit. Here is the issue: where does one go? Leave fast or leave slow? Let me fill you in...

After finding the bags of women clothes hidden away while he went dressed to the Halloween party he came home later than expected and slept upstairs (as requested since he was both dressed as a woman and drunk). Next morning I confronted him about everything because I seem to be the only one in the marriage that can talk about anything or confront our issues. In fact, he was very happy I found the bags of clothes because he felt free to talk to me. I was very mature and spoke openly about my feelings. He was worried he couldn't get the look of being a woman right yet and needed help. WHAT?!? That was his concern?? I told him I needed time but could maybe help him after time has passed. I love him. He is troubled. I am not someone who walks away from someone in pain. But the trouble is that I am absorbing more pain than I can handle. Someone on my other post said something that I have repeated so many times which is I am having trouble separating my best friend and my husband. He has been a crap husband and partner for 9 years. And he knows it. He is an alcoholic who has been hiding the fact he's a crossdresser from me. But we've been through hard times and he is my best friend who is going though something difficult. 

Now..I know I sound like a sucker. But I KNOW our marriage is done. I have told him we are done. He agrees we are probably done. It hasn't been too difficult since he has passed out drunk upstairs every night since Halloween. Good reminder of how lonely living with an alcoholic can be. But I haven't known much different for awhile. We want to be respectful but he is sucking me dry with his pity party. EVERYTHING is about him and his feelings and how hard this change is for him. We want to stay friends. His therapist says we should do this slowly so we can stay friends. We share a house, a car, a life, etc. And to be honest, I am afraid of upending my life. What surprised me when I confronted him was how excited he was that I might help him with his female look when I had some time to get over this shock. Tonight he dropped the bomb that if a man approached him and found him attracted while dressed he would have to think about it. I told him he was bi. He said being "bi" meant having equal attraction to men and women. Um, no it does not. If you are open to both sexes than I think that means you are bi. WHO is this man?!? He swears he has not been with anyone else...

Anyway, all he does is drink and moan and lean on me for support. And if I hear the word sorry one more time I am going to start charging him 20bucks per apology. I understand on an intellectual level that he is scared and going through stuff but he is SO selfish. And last night was my ultimate breaking point. My 40th bday is on the 26th and for the past *8yrs* I've told him all I want to do is travel. My Dad surprised my Mom with this super romantic trip to London/Paris and its something that stuck with me. I gave him nine years to plan this...as of two weeks ago (before Halloween) he had nothing. Except excuses. He also decided to have this breakdown the weekend before I started a new job after a year of being unemployed. He has no regard for me but he has a lot of excuses. So I booked myself a flight to London to visit a friend. Alone. I don't know why this makes me so sad. I had expectations of where I would be at 40. I had expectations that my husband wouldn't want to live as a woman and would plan a nice bday for me since I told him exactly what to do. I blew it out for his 40th -- on BOTH coasts. 

So now I feel like some cliche Eat, Pray, Love woman going to London on my own for my 40th. I don't know if it's better or worse. But hey, the good news is that MY HUSBAND has already informed me that while I am gone he is going to dress up and go out during the day to see if it works for him. We are supposed to see my family for xmas this year. I feel like everything is falling apart so quickly. Its like a boulder rolling down a hill and I feel like its headed straight for me. I feel like I am barely hanging on. I'm excited to see my friend but anxious about wandering around during the day knowing that I am headed for a divorce. This is SO not where I thought or want to be. I have finally told some friends but at the end of the day it is just him and me (and our dog). I am both ready to move on and really don't know how. I want to stay in our house. I want to be able to call him when I am having a bad day. I am used to being with someone. I am GOOD at being someone's partner for life. He just had to be the one thing that I can't live with...a woman. Should I start looking to date in the New Year? Can we still live together and do our own thing? 

This past week has been a real eye-opener. He is a selfish person who lives in his own bubble but he thinks if he says sorry than its OK. Maybe its because the world is changing and the election was stressful that it feels even harder to change my home life even if its crap. I have a great job that pays well. I have pretty good friends where I live (I moved here 6yrs ago). But the one thing I always imagined was a husband and family. A partner for life. And I feel like he robbed me of that and I am not allowed to get angry at him for being a crossdresser bc that is who he is but I am SO angry and don't know what to do with that anger. I am numb to his excessive drinking. Numb to his apologies. But terrified to move on from the routine I am living. I am a smart woman (I swear) but am a sucker for a lost cause. 

Do we go home for xmas and pretend? Do we spend our first xmas alone? Everyone thinks we are the best couple...but I think we are made to be friends. We haven't slept together for almost a year so its not that hard of a transition for me. I don't know how to do this while my heart is breaking. Everyone tells me how strong I am but I have never felt weaker. I guess as my bday and the holidays approach it all makes me very, very sad. :crying:


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## sokillme

I've read your other post. What do you get out of this relationship? Why do you think he is your best friend? Is it because you have lived together for a long time? Because YOU do things for him? He doesn't sound like a friend to you at all. Friendships involve exchange, your relationship sounds more like you are his Mother. I mean if you got some sort of enjoyment out of his "chic" that would be one thing, but this sounds like torture for you. He knows you don't like it but is still using you to do it. 

Seriously both of you would be better off to just move on, you should move out, let him find another cross dresser to help him with his look. You can always have dinner every once and a while like friends do. Stop being the mans mother, and stylist. It's not a fair deal, and who gives a 5hit what his therapist says you should do. That is HIS therapist she should be working with him not you. 

Overall it sounds to me that this guy is not a cross dresser but has a sexual identity issue. He is not gay or bi because he wants a guy to come onto him when he is dressed as a woman. To me this seems more like he identifies as a woman, it may also account for his drinking himself to death. Strange his deficient therapist doesn't seem to see this. You might want to confront him about this because maybe it will help him. I think most cross dressers are straight from what I hear, though I am no expert.

Anyway this is neither here nor there. You can be a perfectly good friend to him and move out and move on with your life. Frankly he needs a wake up call about his drinking. Don't let you guilt force you to giving up your life to a person who is basically using you right now. Again I go back to what I first wrote, what do YOU get out of this relationship? Doesn't seem like much, which means he is a terrible husband and a bad friend. 

One more thing. 



> This past week has been a real eye-opener. He is a selfish person who lives in his own bubble but he thinks if he says sorry than its OK. Maybe its because the world is changing and the election was stressful that it feels even harder to change my home life even if its crap. I have a great job that pays well. I have pretty good friends where I live (I moved here 6yrs ago). But the one thing I always imagined was a husband and family. A partner for life. And I feel like he robbed me of that and I am not allowed to get angry at him for being a crossdresser bc that is who he is but I am SO angry and don't know what to do with that anger. I am numb to his excessive drinking. Numb to his apologies. But terrified to move on from the routine I am living. I am a smart woman (I swear) but am a sucker for a lost cause.


Um your not dead, your 40 years old? You have a good support system and make good money. It sounds like you don't have kids so you don't have to worry about them dealing with divorce. There is nothing at all in your situation that makes is seem like you couldn't have all this for a very long time, actually for the majority of your "adult" life. The only think that is stopping it is you staying in this abusive relationship. Yes it is scary, here is a little secret, nothing really good in life comes without risk. Anyone who ever got something great had to take a risk to get it. Risk is scary. However in your case we are talking about a very small risk. Also so you are 6 foot tall, find a man who loves that. They are out there. One thing is for sure you are never going to have any of this if you stay in your present situation. Leave and then allow yourself to hope.

I understand you don't want to be angry that he is a cross dresser but you can be angry as hell that he married you under false pretenses and hid this from you. He hid a dominate part of his nature because he knew it would be a problem and you probably wouldn't have married him if you knew. That was very selfish of him. 

Finally when you do leave get some counseling to understand why you would stay in a relationship with an abusive alcoholic, cross dresser for so long. Why you didn't feel worthy enough to demand more. This will help you have higher standards when you pick the next guy. If not you will just repeat the same patterns. Didn't you say in your last post your relationship before this was abusive?


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## aine

nextlifechance said:


> Last time I posted on here was Halloween weekend and this forum saved me that night. I wish you could all follow me around in real life. The main theme was to RUN and LEAVE and I agree BUT I know I may catch heat for still being here but the last two weeks have been harder than anything I have ever been through and I've ben through quite a bit. Here is the issue: where does one go? Leave fast or leave slow? Let me fill you in...
> 
> After finding the bags of women clothes hidden away while he went dressed to the Halloween party he came home later than expected and slept upstairs (as requested since he was both dressed as a woman and drunk). Next morning I confronted him about everything because I seem to be the only one in the marriage that can talk about anything or confront our issues. In fact, he was very happy I found the bags of clothes because he felt free to talk to me. I was very mature and spoke openly about my feelings. He was worried he couldn't get the look of being a woman right yet and needed help. WHAT?!? That was his concern?? I told him I needed time but could maybe help him after time has passed. I love him. He is troubled. I am not someone who walks away from someone in pain. But the trouble is that I am absorbing more pain than I can handle. Someone on my other post said something that I have repeated so many times which is I am having trouble separating my best friend and my husband. He has been a crap husband and partner for 9 years. And he knows it. He is an alcoholic who has been hiding the fact he's a crossdresser from me. But we've been through hard times and he is my best friend who is going though something difficult.
> 
> Now..I know I sound like a sucker. But I KNOW our marriage is done. I have told him we are done. He agrees we are probably done. It hasn't been too difficult since he has passed out drunk upstairs every night since Halloween. Good reminder of how lonely living with an alcoholic can be. But I haven't known much different for awhile. We want to be respectful but he is sucking me dry with his pity party. EVERYTHING is about him and his feelings and how hard this change is for him. We want to stay friends. His therapist says we should do this slowly so we can stay friends. We share a house, a car, a life, etc. And to be honest, I am afraid of upending my life. What surprised me when I confronted him was how excited he was that I might help him with his female look when I had some time to get over this shock. Tonight he dropped the bomb that if a man approached him and found him attracted while dressed he would have to think about it. I told him he was bi. He said being "bi" meant having equal attraction to men and women. Um, no it does not. If you are open to both sexes than I think that means you are bi. WHO is this man?!? He swears he has not been with anyone else...
> 
> Anyway, all he does is drink and moan and lean on me for support. And if I hear the word sorry one more time I am going to start charging him 20bucks per apology. I understand on an intellectual level that he is scared and going through stuff but he is SO selfish. And last night was my ultimate breaking point. My 40th bday is on the 26th and for the past *8yrs* I've told him all I want to do is travel. My Dad surprised my Mom with this super romantic trip to London/Paris and its something that stuck with me. I gave him nine years to plan this...as of two weeks ago (before Halloween) he had nothing. Except excuses. He also decided to have this breakdown the weekend before I started a new job after a year of being unemployed. He has no regard for me but he has a lot of excuses. So I booked myself a flight to London to visit a friend. Alone. I don't know why this makes me so sad. I had expectations of where I would be at 40. I had expectations that my husband wouldn't want to live as a woman and would plan a nice bday for me since I told him exactly what to do. I blew it out for his 40th -- on BOTH coasts.
> 
> So now I feel like some cliche Eat, Pray, Love woman going to London on my own for my 40th. I don't know if it's better or worse. But hey, the good news is that MY HUSBAND has already informed me that while I am gone he is going to dress up and go out during the day to see if it works for him. We are supposed to see my family for xmas this year. I feel like everything is falling apart so quickly. Its like a boulder rolling down a hill and I feel like its headed straight for me. I feel like I am barely hanging on. I'm excited to see my friend but anxious about wandering around during the day knowing that I am headed for a divorce. This is SO not where I thought or want to be. I have finally told some friends but at the end of the day it is just him and me (and our dog). I am both ready to move on and really don't know how. I want to stay in our house. I want to be able to call him when I am having a bad day. I am used to being with someone. I am GOOD at being someone's partner for life. He just had to be the one thing that I can't live with...a woman. Should I start looking to date in the New Year? Can we still live together and do our own thing?
> 
> This past week has been a real eye-opener. He is a selfish person who lives in his own bubble but he thinks if he says sorry than its OK. Maybe its because the world is changing and the election was stressful that it feels even harder to change my home life even if its crap. I have a great job that pays well. I have pretty good friends where I live (I moved here 6yrs ago). But the one thing I always imagined was a husband and family. A partner for life. And I feel like he robbed me of that and I am not allowed to get angry at him for being a crossdresser bc that is who he is but I am SO angry and don't know what to do with that anger. I am numb to his excessive drinking. Numb to his apologies. But terrified to move on from the routine I am living. I am a smart woman (I swear) but am a sucker for a lost cause.
> 
> Do we go home for xmas and pretend? Do we spend our first xmas alone? Everyone thinks we are the best couple...but I think we are made to be friends. We haven't slept together for almost a year so its not that hard of a transition for me. I don't know how to do this while my heart is breaking. Everyone tells me how strong I am but I have never felt weaker. I guess as my bday and the holidays approach it all makes me very, very sad. :crying:



You start to detach from this man who used to be your H as soon as you can. YOU have a double whammy, an alcoholic and a man who doesn't know if he is bi or not. Start getting your ducks in a row, tell him you want out of the marriage, see a lawyer, be honest with your family and friends, you have carried him long enough. He will destroy you if you do not leavce. An alcoholic has the power to destroy you and mix in his gender issues and the impact on you, it is too much. There is no point in being stoic and hanging around, the faster you move on the better for you. Get yourself some IC to help you with the emotional turmoil. Start taking care of yourself, do not pander to him anymore, tell him you are out. YOu need a break from him, leave the friendship also for now.


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## MattMatt

So you want to remain friends with him.

*Why? Why on earth would you want to remain friends with him?* 

Your therapist sounds a little bit mad (as in mentally unhinged) to be honest.

If he thinks he might not reject the attentions of another man when he was dressed as Emily or whatever female identity he has conjured up, then the reality is, he may already have done this. 

So, next step for you are blood tests for STD/HIV.

And... oh, do please seek out a new non-mad therapist. For you.

And do enjoy your break in London.


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## 3Xnocharm

nextlifechance said:


> This past week has been a real eye-opener. He is a selfish person who lives in his own bubble but he thinks if he says sorry than its OK. Maybe its because the world is changing and the election was stressful that it feels even harder to change my home life even if its crap. I have a great job that pays well. I have pretty good friends where I live (I moved here 6yrs ago). *But the one thing I always imagined was a husband and family. A partner for life. And I feel like he robbed me of that *and I am not allowed to get angry at him for being a crossdresser bc that is who he is but I am SO angry and don't know what to do with that anger. I am numb to his excessive drinking. Numb to his apologies. But terrified to move on from the routine I am living. I am a smart woman (I swear) but am a sucker for a lost cause.


You state here yourself that he has robbed you of what you wanted in your life, so why are you allowing him to continue doing so?? Staying around is enabling him in all his weaknesses and you are both codependent. What a sick dynamic. As someone else mentioned, he isnt YOUR friend, you are HIS friend. A real friend would divorce you so that you could go be happy. Time to end this, BEFORE the holiday. Oh, and read the book Codependent No More. You deserve so much more than a cross dressing drunk.


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## Spotthedeaddog

I got about 3 paragraphs into the original post and it became a bit of "blah blah pity me". Why are you putting up with this annoying person?

Crossdressing? Not really a big deal - can be a bit of mental leap - and for some socially orientated careers, it's simply not something that can be public. Just what flavor transvestite he is is a range of possibilities.
Could be anything from transgender/genderfluid, could be a upbringing issue, could be a retreat from the world, could be seeking beauty and appreciation, could be a form of venus-envy, could be latent homosexuality.
That in itself isn't a big deal, and the initial hiding of it isn't surprising.

What is a problem is the way he's handling it.
And that his lack of coping is massive detrimental to you ..... so why are you still there. Being the free lonely clean-up maid to an alcoholic is not much of a relationship for a person, and it has been repeatedly shown to be very hard on children (if there are any), and often bad for careers (and worse for savings).

It's not really healthy to compare your relationship to your parents. You aren't going to marry your father.

As you've said "It's over".
So pack up your stuff, put it in storage if you can't get a house/apartment, and move on.

Your third to last paragraph also marks you as a very selfish person, as well as him - possibly one reason you both hit it off earlier on, as you both pegged the other person as someone to fit the role you have for them. But in this case, the drinking, the going out without you.... unless you have the skills and patience to work through his issues, don't bother. Be honest to him - that you haven't the skills to help him find what he wants and aren't interested in helping him explore his feminine aspect, and after he's clearly not interested in your life goals or respecting you as a partner that you're leaving; and don't let him lean on you.

Sadly many men in the modern world are taught that women are much more compassionate, emotional intelligent, in touch with their personality, self-aware, and better communicators - which results in many men putting all women up on a pedestal. Sad thing is when people start believing such things are true, many stopping trying to make it happen, believing the public propaganda. So when displaced broken men start looking for what they want and to deal with their pain, they can latch on to women thinking they are in love - but it's a dependency. You do not have what it takes to deal with his dependency.

As for "bi".... Try this link for good information: Comprehensive* List of LGBTQ+ Vocabulary Definitions


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## straightshooter

OP

Aside from the fact that there are many issues here the first one that has to be addressed is the alcoholism. It doesn't matter what he is dressed as if he is going out ( and I assume alone if his friends do not know he is cross dressing), that means he is driving drunk and putting not only himself in danger but others. 

The next issue is the trip. You just started a new job, just discovered this cross dressing thing, and are in big time mental shock with good reason. With a possible divorce and the impact on your finances, maybe not the greatest time to spend a lot of money on a trip you probably will not enjoy.

Next the crossdressing. If you were in a wonderful marriage that was meeting all of your needs, then while difficult this issue might be able to at least be looked into to see what is causing it, if it is a phase, or something truly deeper. But you state you are in a sham of a marriage, so all of the problems with this are even more magnified.

So my suggestion is to set your boundaries and expectations even before you either file for divorce or to stay if that is what you decide
(1) the drinking himself into a stupor has to stop
(2) he and you both need some professional help

And even if you file for divorce you have to get to a mental state where you can keep your job performance satisfactory if you are contemplating being alone.

It's a lot on your plate. Running off on a trip when you'll be thinking of all of this 24/7 is just running away no matter what you are "celebrating". 

Hank in there. And if you need meds to calm you see your physician.


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## Satya

@nextlifechance, 
Warning: projection ahead! 

I was where you are, but I was a bit younger. My ex husband announced he was changing gender out of the blue. At least you found clothes and other warning signs. I had nothing. 

Same basic story... Wanted to stay friends, therapist told him to seek his happiness, my life exploded, I was in a foreign country, I had no support, he went even more self-absorbed than during marriage, beauty products everywhere, hormone treatments, pity parties, random bear hugs, "stay with me," separate beds for months, I'm crying myself to sleep every night, I'm told I'm pitiful for crying all the time, *and I stayed much, much longer living with him than I should have!*

Don't get me wrong. I was so understanding and empathetic till the end, I bought books, I still took care of our home, I didn't talk smack about him to anyone during the initial stages, I preserved his secret and dignity. It left me this hollow, numb shell of a person because I had no such empathy in return. Not a genuine sorry, not once. 

*She* immediately got a girlfriend after I finally left. Then a boyfriend, then who knows because I never spoke with her again.

My advice, for all it's worth... 

*Get the F out of there!!!*


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## Cooper

OP you are emotionally f**ked up right now, I think you desperately want to leave this man (ish) but if you do it will appear you are the bad person, the bad wife because you're not compassionate or supportive of his life choices. His life choices being a coming out of the closet cross dressing alcoholic. 

If you met this guy today and he was stupid drunk walking around in a dress and makeup would you think "oh my god, he is so cool!" "yes come live with me". Would you?

I think the sooner you end things the better, no sense going home for the holidays pretending, it just going to make you miserable for longer. 

Once you break up there will be a few days of readjustment but I will guarantee you after that you are going to notice dramatic difference in your emotional health. He is a negative influence and is sucking the joy out of your life. Put a stop to it.


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## FBOW

Below in quotes is what I wrote as my reply to your last post - it was the final response so I'm not sure if you saw it. Nothing you wrote above changes my prior advice. You seem like a tender-hearted person. I understand your current spouse is your "best friend," but he needs to find a new friend to help him through this life transition. He's trying to make himself feel better by involving you in his decisions/transformation (though you really have no say). Girl, love yourself and please find a new therapist. I think individual counseling would be a great idea. Yes and get those STD/HIV tests too. 

Read my words below, and really consider it:

"Well, I am really new here and I'm not sure how qualified I am to be giving anyone advice... but I'm sorry. I'm sorry this happened to you. Sometimes you don't fully realize the extent of someone's dependence on or abuse of alcohol until they get older. Lots of people party hard in their 20s and then let up in their 30s after marriage, career, kids, etc. As far as the cross-dressing goes, while I realize that not all men who cross-dress are gay, I compare it to your spouse coming out as gay or bi-sexual. It's something you can either live with (in the case of cross-dressing or bisexuality), or you can't. Period. It seems like you can't live with it and don't want to, and why should you? You are living a lie and do not need to keep his secrets the remainder of your days. 

For your own sanity and safety, I think you should move out immediately and leave him a letter. You can talk on the phone or in person (in a public place) at a later time. I say this because of his alcohol addiction. If you try to discuss it in person, even if he's never been violent with you before, he may start drinking immediately and lash out, or get so tanked you are in a position where you cannot leave (in good conscience). 

You can do this. You should do this. And I'm sorry you have to do this, I really am."

AND PS - Have you told anyone in your family about his drinking and cross-dressing? Any friends? I'd advise you to start sharing these truths sooner rather than later. You need support from the people in your life. If my sister or friend came to me with these facts, I'd do everything in my power to help her. I'd go to see the attorney with her, give her a place to stay while she's getting on her feet, etc. You might be very surprised how much support you receive and it will further empower you and help you clearly see you are making the best decision by leaving. You aren't doing him or yourself any favors by staying.


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## zookeeper

I find it a odd that you were clearly unhappy with this man for a long time, but chose to title this thread "Leaving your crossdressing husband..." Would you stay in an unhappy marriage indefinitely as long as he wasn't wearing mascara? I would think that drunken, inconsiderate and selfish would have been enough to make you push for change.

If he can't/won't be the partner you need, take control of the situation and take action. He seems to be pursuing his own happiness, you should do the same.


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