# Sex and Death in the Family



## Just Wondering (Dec 20, 2011)

I'm trying to figure this one out. My LD wife's Father just died 2 weeks ago. During his illness for the last 6 months we knew he would pass shortly . Our sex life has always been the the HD-LD thing . During the last six months intimacy was gone. She said she had to many things on her mind to relax enough for sex. So our sex life really tanked. Then he passed on. I have given her all the cuddling, love, holding her I can take. Last night I tested the water and was told is that all I think about. That she is going thur a bad time right now. And Sex was not in the cards. Well Am I just a male pig or what. ?? I feel I have served my time this last six months and now its over. It just seems to me that this is just another LD excuse not to be a willing partner and enjoy the love between us. ?? I want to ask her how long are you going to ride this pony ?? I 'm I wrong and insensitive ??? I understand her feelings But don't be LD your whole life and then when you really need to be LD take it farther .


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You know the answer to your problems. You've been told here already. You just refuse to do what it's going to take, give her an ultimatum, file, leave.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Op, I don't feel you are insensitive at all. My ex was humping my leg, pressing for sex and then throwing a hissy fit when I turned him down within _4 hours _of me learning of the sudden death of a close relative - while I was still trying to make travel arrangements, child-care plans, pack bags, educate myself about the laws and customs of transporting a civilian body home from out of the country, and console my family. Now that, IMO, was insensitive. 

Your wife doesn't want to have sex with you. Her father's illness and death made her not want to have sex with you even more. Her feelings are legitimate. Your feelings are legitimate. But the two of you seem to have feelings that are incompatible with one another and with a successful marriage. You're going to have to decide what you'd like to do about that.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Rowan said:


> Op, I don't feel you are insensitive at all. My ex was humping my leg, pressing for sex and then throwing a hissy fit when I turned him down within _4 hours _of me learning of the sudden death of a close relative - while I was still trying to make travel arrangements, child-care plans, pack bags, educate myself about the laws and customs of transporting a civilian body home from out of the country, and console my family. Now that, IMO, was insensitive.
> 
> Your wife doesn't want to have sex with you. Her father's illness and death made her not want to have sex with you even more. Her feelings are legitimate. Your feelings are legitimate. But the two of you seem to have feelings that are incompatible with one another and with a successful marriage. You're going to have to decide what you'd like to do about that.


I would say her fathers illness gave her a more valid excuse to not have sex in her way of thinking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Problem I see is that you are meeting her emotional needs, hugs and kisses and so on but it's not returned. So quit all that and tell her why when she asks. Tell her you don't feel connected to her to be her emotional crutch when she doesn't connect with you......after all it's the truth isn't it?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You have a LD wife. One excuse to not have sex is as good as any other. You can expect that any significant event will be used as an excuse to not have sex. She'll ride the death of her father as an excuse as long as she can. Next, it will be her period, stock prices in Hong Kong, the weather, Christmas, back pain, neck pain, leg pain, headache, the heartbreak of psoriasis, starving kids in Kenya. The real problem is you are married to a woman who has little interest in having sex with you. That is the beginning and end of your problem and everything else is noise.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

At this point you really have nothing to lose and in this specific case I propose this...
Sit her down and ask her if you can get your sexual needs met with someone else.
This may shock her back to reality but who knows at least it show you will not put up with this.
Again what more can you lose asking?
Nothing in my opinion.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

She gets a pass, LD or not in my book. She needs your emotional support more than you need her emotional support.

If the father was on the way down and out and she was involved it's not a fun thing to do. Some people can recover from it quickly but some don't. 

Give it a month or two minimum. Just my view, of course.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*It's not your fault at all, Wondering! 

All that you're simply doing is being true to your physiological male hormones, something that she simply isn't providing any credence to! An ultimatum to her is richly in order for her to join you at the MC; and in the acute absence of that, then to a family attorney. 

What she's doing to you is nothing short of a prolonged case of mental and physical cruelty!*


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You've been describing her LD problem at least 3 years on here. If the problem predated her father's illness and death, why would you believe the problem now has anything to do with his death or that waiting a few months or blowing powder sugar up her wazoo is going to change things? She's your wife. Being supportive during her grief would be the compassionate and humane thing to do, but I wouldn't be expecting the Nookie Fairy to come calling anytime soon, regardless of what you do or don't do.


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## Just Wondering (Dec 20, 2011)

john117 said:


> She gets a pass, LD or not in my book. She needs your emotional support more than you need her emotional support.
> 
> If the father was on the way down and out and she was involved it's not a fun thing to do. Some people can recover from it quickly but some don't.
> 
> Give it a month or two minimum. Just my view, of course.


John, Always admire your POV. I 'm with you on the free pass. I think what troubles me is the fact of, Its like calling Wolf all these yrs. Its like lack of desire and never a good reason.Then there is a good reason and its hard to deal with. John This is a very harsh sentence. Two month no sex then get to return to duty sex.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Just Wondering said:


> John, Always admire your POV. I 'm with you on the free pass. I think what troubles me is the fact of, Its like calling Wolf all these yrs. Its like lack of desire and never a good reason.Then there is a good reason and its hard to deal with. John This is a very harsh sentence. Two month no sex then get to return to duty sex.


Interesting you side with the one dude who says let it slide. I say BS. 

Am I to get this right, it's been 6 months? I hate the contrite saying, but you do indeed only have one life to live. If you want to spend the rest of your life only enjoying rosy palms, then keep on this path. 

Otherwise, you've gotten plenty of excellent advice on this forum. I came here two years ago, and followed it. My marriage is completely different now. The choice is yours.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Some people have different priorities. My wife lost her mother a few years ago and it took a while - not six months but not two weeks either.

Seven months vs six and a half is not a big difference. But the risk of screwing up an existing fragile intimate relationship in this time of grief and negative vibes far outweighs the benefit of getting laid if I may be so crude.


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## Just Wondering (Dec 20, 2011)

larry.gray said:


> Interesting you side with the one dude who says let it slide. I say BS.
> 
> Am I to get this right, it's been 6 months? I hate the contrite saying, but you do indeed only have one life to live. If you want to spend the rest of your life only enjoying rosy palms, then keep on this path.
> 
> Otherwise, you've gotten plenty of excellent advice on this forum. I came here two years ago, and followed it. My marriage is completely different now. The choice is yours.


Larry, Misprint on my part. What I mete to write was during the six month period of illness desire was very low. Like duty sex maybe 2-3 times a month. Now its no sex.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

How close was your wife to her father? Was she actively involved in his care?


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Just Wondering said:


> Larry, Misprint on my part. What I mete to write was during the six month period of illness desire was very low. Like duty sex maybe 2-3 times a month. Now its no sex.


2 times a month is every 2 weeks. I'm not sure how a 2 week gap is standing out at this point.


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## Just Wondering (Dec 20, 2011)

John, Very close family, He moved in with us in the beginning of illness and we are all very close. I surly understand that everyone grieves differently . I just wanted to see what the norm is and the likely hood of lack of desire and death. Speaking for myself I feel some good sex would cure me of a lot of pain if I was suffering myself.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I lost both parents and a brother and I can tell you, for me it would not work. I was not in any mood. Make sure you're there for her to listen, listen, listen. 

Somebody can always get a new partner for any reason. Not a parent or sibling tho.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Losing a parent is a life changing event.

My darling dad died in 2012, he had been terminally ill and I resigned from my job to help mum care for him. The last 2 weeks of his life I was always at mum and dad's, and the last week I didn't go home at all, neither did my brothers.

It's only been two weeks since your wife lost the first man who ever loved her. Everyone grieves differently. In my case, I became very clingy - I would follow my husband everywhere in the house, I couldn't bear to be alone (this only went on for a few days)...

Other people are different...they switch off...shut down...

Give her some time...be her rock...she needs you so much right now.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

john117 said:


> She gets a pass, LD or not in my book. She needs your emotional support more than you need her emotional support.
> 
> If the father was on the way down and out and she was involved it's not a fun thing to do. Some people can recover from it quickly but some don't.
> 
> Give it a month or two minimum. Just my view, of course.


This is a tough one, but I don't think the OP owes her any sort of emotional support right now. He shouldn't press her about sex or lay down any ultimata / move out right now. At the same time, his W has no reasonable expectation of emotional support. She needs to be prepared to tough this one out alone.

The reason is the OP's W has not earned his emotional support. In a healthy relationship, as a concerned and engaged spouse, she would have found a way to overcome her LD enough to meet his emotional needs. In doing so, she would have built up the goodwill to gain the OP's support during this time.

Instead, she has continually demonstrated how unimportant his needs are to her. It is now extremely unfair of her to ask for so much more tan she has provided historically. Moreover, it may not even be possible for him to support her; that kind of support needs a close emotional bond, which she has absolutely failed to nurture.

Bottom line is she hasn't earned the "cred" for the support and understanding she seeks. If she has a decent amount of emotional intelligence, she will find some empathy and try to mend her ways. I doubt that will happen, though.


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