# Do you really 'wakeup' and get over fear of wanting to be happy?



## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

What I mean here is, I see a concensus of one major priority of why we stay where we are, stagnet, is due to fear or maybe hurt. 

For those who were the ones that knew it was the right thing for thier own happiness, yet you still felt horrible over the hurt you knew it was and going to cause, did you honestly just come to the point of one day waking up and knowing and having the strength to say this is it, I HAVE to move on?

How long can one honestly go being not completley happy with themselves and just going through motions to avoid hurting others? I've always lived for others. I'm turning 41 next month and I feel I'm living for everyone around me to keep them happy, to not cause disruption or pain. Why is it so much easier to stay this way then do what is deep down right? Instead, always concerned in how viewed by others. 

It's a never ending battle internally. I just read something where a lady said it's much easier to be happy all the time. Wish I could say those words with such confidence.


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## bluebird20 (Feb 7, 2011)

I feel your pain and I am 31. I am trying to get strong enough myself right now to say enough is enough and make some choices that will hopefully lead to happiness. I haven't done so for fear of hurting others too. My kids number one, my husband and also our extended family. I think in my case though things could get much worse if I stay. I just can't cope with it anymore. I am dwelling on it. I don't like being around him and got seriously depressed needing medication because of it. I have tried so hard for so long to just accept things and live with it to not hurt anyone but I don't think I can do it much longer without losing my mind! We do this because we love and we don't want to be the cause of anyones pain, least of all our loved ones.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

bluebird20 said:


> I feel your pain and I am 31. I am trying to get strong enough myself right now to say enough is enough and make some choices that will hopefully lead to happiness. I haven't done so for fear of hurting others too. My kids number one, my husband and also our extended family. I think in my case though things could get much worse if I stay. I just can't cope with it anymore. I am dwelling on it. I don't like being around him and got seriously depressed needing medication because of it. I have tried so hard for so long to just accept things and live with it to not hurt anyone but I don't think I can do it much longer without losing my mind! We do this because we love and we don't want to be the cause of anyones pain, least of all our loved ones.


Wow....all me too! Other than, my family, is his only family close and THAT saddens me due to he has no support. Hence he is finding that in church which is another issue between us. I too have young daughter. I'm very undecided if on how it would affect her. 

I too started depression med just so I could stop the anxiety and crying over every single thing. It's hard to still love, but in completely different way, a way that I honestly deep down don't think can be changed.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Some of the issues are different for men, but they're still there. I'm at a position where my children are moving into college, but my wife absolutely cannot take care of herself in many day to day situations. I think she fears this much more than the emotional impact if we divorce. Plus, I'm a lifecoach for her depression. I don't know if she could climb out of the valleys if I wasn't pushing.

Also, it humiliates her because she thinks that it should always be the woman asking for the divorce. And she assumes that I would try to find a younger wife (not likely). Her friends and coworkers are mostly in their late forties and fifties, but we're mid forties. I look like a teenager with them, and their picking makes her so jealous that I don't go out with them any more (I'm a health nut).

The guilt over the decision kills me. I made a promise. But we get further and further apart as we age. But the issues are much deeper than that. Its more about lifegoals and passions. For me, however, I think I pass the top of the summit over guilt when I can completely afford to help her set up nicely in a new home, and continue to pay our kid's tuition alone.


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## AlwaysThinkingMaybe (Jan 31, 2011)

I'm reading a book called "Learning to Leave" and there is an entire section on Emotions in it.

Guilt is a big topic, as is Anger and Depression.

The one theme is, you should never feel guilty for wanting to put your happiness in front of someone elses. It talks about how to identify the causes of guilt and deal with it.

I strongly recommend this book to help you work out some thoughts.

Its not solely about actually leaving, while its geared towards that, it will help you think on the right points if this is what you want.

Another good book I read lately was Too good to leave, too bad to stay.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

AlwaysThinkingMaybe said:


> I'm reading a book called "Learning to Leave" and there is an entire section on Emotions in it.
> 
> Guilt is a big topic, as is Anger and Depression.
> 
> ...


Thank you! I need to look at this. There are things being said and done that I'm building such resentment and I find I careless to discuss anymore as they are what I see as common sense yet I veiw from his as vindictive.

Latest, our 8yr old girl went downstairs he was down there for hours reading a book and watching things on computer. It was Sunday so I chalked up to his new 'devotions'. Well, she came up and said "Mommy....I want to tell you a secret. I said what's that? She says, daddy is reading a book and watching movies about being a better dad. I told him he didn't have to and he said but mommy doesn't think so!" UUGGGGG yes, let's just plant the see in our childs head that some of our issues are me thinking he is verbally abusive to her, WHICH mind you he admitted some things he is harsh and tends to treat her as she is 16 not 7! Plant the seed that I, the mom, thinks he is a bad dad so IF we (I) do not feel my happiness is this marriage I will be at fault, hence the bad mom!!! UUGGGHHHH damn him!


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## Confused-Wife (Jan 26, 2011)

I keep waiting for that "aha" moment, but it never comes...or at least it hasn't yet. 

I guess it's just one of those things in life, like jumping into a cold pool in the summer. You just have to build up the courage to take that first step. It'll be painful and uncomfortable for the first few seconds or minutes, but eventually, it might be the most fun you've ever had.


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## Confused-Wife (Jan 26, 2011)

emotionalwreck said:


> Latest, our 8yr old girl went downstairs he was down there for hours reading a book and watching things on computer. It was Sunday so I chalked up to his new 'devotions'. Well, she came up and said "Mommy....I want to tell you a secret. I said what's that? She says, daddy is reading a book and watching movies about being a better dad. I told him he didn't have to and he said but mommy doesn't think so!" UUGGGGG yes, let's just plant the see in our childs head that some of our issues are me thinking he is verbally abusive to her, WHICH mind you he admitted some things he is harsh and tends to treat her as she is 16 not 7! Plant the seed that I, the mom, thinks he is a bad dad so IF we (I) do not feel my happiness is this marriage I will be at fault, hence the bad mom!!! UUGGGHHHH damn him!


I think you're taking this the wrong way. Yes, he shouldn't have told his daughter this...but at least he's putting in some effort to improve himself. Tell him that you don't appreciate discussing such things with your child, but that you still appreciate that he's reading up on things that he senses are important to you.


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## NoFun (Mar 17, 2011)

I am going through the same thing right now. I am 30, no kids, no joint property. I am unhappy. We are young. He has done nothing wrong, I am just not happy and I don't think he is either although he claims he is. I worked up the courage yesterday to talk about it. I said I wanted out and that I was unhappy and we should think about this. But then I felt guilty and like a horrible person that ruined his life and has lied for years about being happy etc etc. So I said we can work on it. But I don't know if I really want to. I love him. He is my friend, but I don't know if I can honestly see us being together forever. It's very sad and very hard.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

NoFun said:


> I am going through the same thing right now. I am 30, no kids, no joint property. I am unhappy. We are young. He has done nothing wrong, I am just not happy and I don't think he is either although he claims he is. I worked up the courage yesterday to talk about it. I said I wanted out and that I was unhappy and we should think about this. But then I felt guilty and like a horrible person that ruined his life and has lied for years about being happy etc etc. So I said we can work on it. But I don't know if I really want to. I love him. He is my friend, but I don't know if I can honestly see us being together forever. It's very sad and very hard.


Well, it's better to move forward before kids are involved. I know some say kids are reseliant, they will be fine etc. But it doesn't make the decision any easier. It is added fear, at least for me, that I will 'ruin' her life. Yes, it's is extremely hard and sad.


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## AlwaysThinkingMaybe (Jan 31, 2011)

It sounds like we have some similar age/kids/H problems going on, and I have to tell you something.

Recently, my decision to leave went from just thinking about it, to saying it outloud. And yes, there's been a lot of pain since then, especially since I jumped the gun and do not yet have a place to go.

Recently I had a visit with the IC that my husband is seeing and we talked for a while about how I was just so tired of being miserable, how I started making changes for myself.

First, she commended me over and over for taking responsibility for my own happiness and putting myself first. *She said it's not being selfish, its giving yourself self respect.*

Now, based on this visit, one visit to a MC and also H's reaction to all this, I almost wish that we had worked on our relationship years ago with a counselor, I think maybe it could have been saved. 

I'm just so full of resentment and weariness now that I can't even entertain the idea right now. She also pointed out I was 'over-functional' worrying about everyone else and there happiness for far too long. You can't change people. You can't even really MAKE them happy, you need to put yourself as a priority.

Its been a very rough week, especially more so for H, but I don't regret that this is all out in the open now.


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## NoFun (Mar 17, 2011)

emotionalwreck said:


> Well, it's better to move forward before kids are involved. I know some say kids are reseliant, they will be fine etc. But it doesn't make the decision any easier. It is added fear, at least for me, that I will 'ruin' her life. Yes, it's is extremely hard and sad.


I was 5 when my parents divorced, and I remember being upset by it...but ultimately it was for the best. I never blamed anyone. My mom deserved to be happy.


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## tranquility (Mar 13, 2011)

I'm 49, will be 50 next month, married for 27 1/2 years ... and find myself at the same point. A month ago I had an epiphany where I finally realized that I WANT TO BE HAPPY - ME - FOR MYSELF! And that wonderful empowered feeling lasted about 24 hours. 

And my biggest problem - the thing that keeps me here still - is exactly what's been stated by others in this thread ... I cannot let myself be happy at the expense of someone else. I just can't. My husband is basically estranged from his family except for one brother on the other side of the country, has no friends to speak of and so has no support network if I should leave. He recently (right before New Year's) had a minor heart attack and a 3 hour ambulance ride to a major university hospital to have a stent placed in his heart. He's healthy now, but those things are all factors that I can't help considering. 

So it comes down to the fact that I will most likely sacrifice my happiness for my husband's. But that's the choice I'm making.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

I am waiting for that epiphany also, but it has not come yet. Not too long ago I was driving to work and I thought to myself - "feeling down is not so bad, I think I can live with it, I have been feeling like this so long I am used to it".

fortunately that thought did not last too long and I know now I want to be happy also. With me, my kids are the only ones I am concerned about hurting at the expense of my happiness. That's why I stayed in my marriage for years of unhappiness and loniness. Now they are ready to leave for college, I dont feel I will be hurting them anymore, so I have one less reason to stay.

My reason for fear of wanting to be happy is - I do not want to be happy living a different life. I want to be happy living the life I used to live when I was happy. Its not the happiness I dont want, its the changes I will need to make to be happy is what I am afraid of. And at 48, I am terrified of going out there trying to find someone to love. This is a world I dont know and I am certainly not looking forward to it.

The question now is - how much longer do I wait before feeling brave enough to face a different life in order to find happiness again? The answer for me is a few months. I have spend too many years of being miserable and now I have no reason to continue living like this anymore. So I will have to dive into the cold swimming pool soon and hopefully find happliness once I get used to the water.


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## tranquility (Mar 13, 2011)

> Not too long ago I was driving to work and I thought to myself - "feeling down is not so bad, I think I can live with it, I have been feeling like this so long I am used to it".


That's the way I feel too. And I tell myself "it's not really all that bad ... maybe I just expect too much."

I left my letter for him this morning, described in my post 







Married a long time, but not sure where to go from here ... 

He was still here when I got home and we did talk some. We agreed to try to work on things, but we also both agreed we don't know if what we want is attainable. He doesn't want couples counseling even though I do ... but he did agree to try it if working on our own isn't working. 

So I'm still not really sure where I stand right now ... I guess time will tell.


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