# The first day of our break



## Hibee (Dec 26, 2017)

I'd really appreciate if you could bear with me, and read my post, and give me some advice. Because, I'm lost just now, I'm completely messed up, and I need direction.

My wife and I parted ways a few hours ago. We've been married 5 years, together 15 years. 

How do you make a break in a marriage work?

How long should a break be?

Should we talk/text throughout?

Should we meet up during it?

This break is to see if we still want each other in the way we should, or if we're just at a point where we're so used to each other, we've been together 15 years since we were teenagers, that we don't know anything different. 

For my wife, it's also to see if she can accept that I've constantly lied to her, despite numerous "last chances". Is this the last straw.

For me, it's also to see if I can change the way I am. Can I stop keeping things from my wife? Can I amend my behaviours. 


For just over 4 years we've had problems in the relationship, and quite frankly, it's always been my fault.

4 years ago I cheated, a one night stand but also an "emotional affair" with someone else, that lasted a couple of months. We went to marriage counselling, we've actually been through 2 sets of marriage counselling, and it worked wonders for a lot of our problems. Our relationship was in a bad way, we weren't being intimate, we barely spoke, we were like 2 flatmates who never argued but were a million miles away from a "happy couple". That said, we both felt that way, but I was the one who strayed, I take responsibility for it, I've apologised a million times, and I'll continue to do so.

We're having a "break" starting today. It came about when my wife checked my phone a couple of nights ago, and found a number she didn't know and asked me about it. Its a girl from my work, a friend, nothing more, but a friend that I haven't ever mentioned to my wife. We go out for coffee, not outside work hours, and there's geniunely nothing to it, we're just friends. 

To my wife though, it's just the latest lie. OK - she never directly asked me about anybody at my work, but I do get where she's coming from. It's a deception, it's a secret I keep from her. 

I lie, and I keep things from my wife. I love her, but I want an easy life, so when I know something will annoy her, or I know I'll get moaned at...I just don't tell her. I would never cheat on her, I'd never do it, not anything physical or any kind of emotional affair, not again. But, I know she doesn't like me being friends with girls, I know she doesn't want me to have girls phone numbers, I know there are lots of things I do, and don't tell her about, that she wouldn't like. I rationalise these things to myself by telling myself "I didn't actually do anything wrong".


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Be honest... Are you attracted to your wife? Are you truly in love with her? How often were you two inmate? Why did it take 10 years to marry her? There must have been some hesitation or red flags. Did you two have an on/off relationship?

Or are you just attracted to not losing half your crap (assets)? If you were attracted and in love with your wife, you wouldn't be looking at other women to fill in the holes. You two would have been meeting each other's needs.

Do you two have kids? If you don't, then move towards divorce and work on yourself. You'll be free to date whoever you want. Maybe in a couple years if you are both single, you two come together and be able to trust each other. Probably not though. There is no such thing as soul mates. We are all replaceable. We all can find someone to love. But not everyone is worthy of our love.


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## Hibee (Dec 26, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> Be honest... Are you attracted to your wife? Are you truly in love with her? How often were you two inmate? Why did it take 10 years to marry her? There must have been some hesitation or red flags. Did you two have an on/off relationship?
> 
> Or are you just attracted to not losing half your crap (assets)? If you were attracted and in love with your wife, you wouldn't be looking at other women to fill in the holes. You two would have been meeting each other's needs.
> 
> Do you two have kids? If you don't, then move towards divorce and work on yourself. You'll be free to date whoever you want. Maybe in a couple years if you are both single, you two come together and be able to trust each other. Probably not though. There is no such thing as soul mates. We are all replaceable. We all can find someone to love. But not everyone is worthy of our love.


Am I attracted to my wife - yes

Do I love her - yes

How often were we intimate - not enough

Why did it take so long to marry - money probably, I could only afford a decent ring after years

On/off relationship - no, not at all. One of the strangest things about all that's going on with us just now, is that we've barely ever had a fight. In 15 years, less than a handful of times.

Kids - no, we'd discussed it early last year though

Losing our assets -this doesn't concern me in the slightest, I've already told my wife she can have the house, the car, everything she wants. It's just stuff, losing things that I know can be replaced doesn't bother me.


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## Hibee (Dec 26, 2017)

We spoke last night, and I said I couldn't make it work between us. I burned the trust in our relationship when I cheated 4 years ago. She stayed with me and I told myself then that I'd not hurt her again, but I did, not by cheating, but by lying to her when I promised I wouldn't...she forgave me again though, and again I promised myself, and my wife, that I wouldn't lie to her again. But again I did it, I lied and lied and lied. I've not cheated, but it's constant lying about who I'm friends with, where I've been going, about drugs I was taking, about who I've been with on nights out. The trust was building back up, but still wasn't really there completely, and now I've eroded it again. 

I told her last night that I can't be the person I need to be for her, that I can tell her I don't want to lie to her again and I'll not do it again, but deep down I know I will. Even if I knew I could be better, she wouldn't be able to trust that I was, as I've lied so many times. How could she ever trust what I say?

My wife is desperate for us to work it out, for me to make things better - I wish I could, but all I keep coming back to is - I'll end up hurting her again, I'll lie to her again, and each time I've did it I know it's hurt her more. She's a very anxious person now, and it all stems from my actions.

I'm not sleeping and I'm barely eating, I'm a mess. I dinnae know what I'm meant to do.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Not what you asked but as a woman whose husband did what you do in the avoidance of conflict department, let me say this: stop it. Not only is it a lie of omission, it:

1. sows seeds of doubt - Just as a man needs respect in a relationship, a woman needs security. 
2. shows a lack of respect - you don't think she can handle whatever you are going to tell her
3. shows that you care about your own comfort more than being honest with her
4. shows a lack of character - do you want your wife thinking you are a wimp and can't even face her with the simplest thing
5. shows you need to control where control is not needed - take charge of what is important (protecting your marriage from all these threats)
6. shows you want to control her in a passive manner - you perceive her reactions as annoying and/or over reactions, so rather than deal with that issue you try in this backward way to control her reactions by hiding things from her.

So, it may seem like a small thing to you, but it builds into a colossal insult to your wife.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Well you have time away from her now. Don't think of it at 'time to scheme to get her back' but 'time to improve myself'

Go read: No More Mr. Nice Guy and HOLD ON TO YOUR NUTS. They both take like 5-6 hours to read... if you care about anything... you will have them read before end of day tomorrow and starting the path towards what you have been awoken to by day 3.


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## Hibee (Dec 26, 2017)

NickyT said:


> Not what you asked but as a woman whose husband did what you do in the avoidance of conflict department, let me say this: stop it. Not only is it a lie of omission, it:
> 
> 1. sows seeds of doubt - Just as a man needs respect in a relationship, a woman needs security.
> 2. shows a lack of respect - you don't think she can handle whatever you are going to tell her
> ...


Thank you for your post.

I totally get what you're saying, and I want to be better, especially with regards to your 3rd point above I'm an idiot who doesn't think of any future consequences until they hit me in the face


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## Hibee (Dec 26, 2017)

Steve2.0 said:


> Well you have time away from her now. Don't think of it at 'time to scheme to get her back' but 'time to improve myself'
> 
> Go read: No More Mr. Nice Guy and HOLD ON TO YOUR NUTS. They both take like 5-6 hours to read... if you care about anything... you will have them read before end of day tomorrow and starting the path towards what you have been awoken to by day 3.


I'll look them both out. Thank you.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Lying is not a positive trait. How would you feel if you bought an awesome car from a dealer only to find that its a POS and the dealer lied to you about its history and quality? 

Seriously.. man up and drop the lying. Go seek help because it sounds like you cant do it alone


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## Síocháin (Mar 11, 2016)

You lie because you're a coward. You need to admit to yourself that you wanted to act single while still having the security of a wife. Well, now you are single. @NickyT put it into a perspective I have never been able to articulate myself. That is how your wife feels. It's how most women feel who are or were married to someone who is passive aggressive and that is what you are. 

But, there is hope. You have taken responsibility for your actions which means you are somewhat self aware. You need to find a therapist that can help you identify and change your behaviors to be more healthy. 

My ex did not do that and continues to blame me. According to him, he is the victim. After decades, my ability to trust myself or my judgement is non existent. So, you are the doing the right thing by letting her go. It's obvious she loves you, but she will come to a point one day where that will all be gone and nothing will be left for you but indifference. Stay your path and work on yourself.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

You lack self control. You're not a lone, most of the people do. A lot of people eat too much, drink too much, get addicted too much, and lie too much.

I suggest you work on yourself. Get a therapist and get into amazing shape. Working out and eating/drinking healthy takes discipline and will teach you again how to have self control. Being able to say "no" to the temptations of the world is a very powerful thing and will set you free. 

You've owned your part and know what needs to be done to improve yourself. You'll be fine.


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## Hibee (Dec 26, 2017)

We're now "separated", in that it's no longer being called a break, and I'm going to have to speak to my f

My wife wants us to work things out still, I've told her if I can change and be the person I need to be, that wouldn't lie to her and hurt her like I do, then she'd be the first person to know. I'm going to get the books that were recommended, and work on myself.

What I don't know now is....how is this meant to go? We spoke yesterday, we've messaged today, we plan to speak or see each other at the weekend. Its not that I don't want to see or hear from her, but is it the right thing to do? I feel worse when I see her, and so does she, we both get upset.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you both feel worse when you see each other, why do it?


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## Hibee (Dec 26, 2017)

Openminded said:


> If you both feel worse when you see each other, why do it?


Because we've seen/spoke to each other every day for 15 years, and it's hard not to I suppose.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hi @Hibee,

I understand where you're coming from; my STBXH and I separated back in June, and I think we were both pretty messed up. To answer your questions:

I'm not sure how to make a break in a marriage work. I think it takes some personal reflection on both parts, understanding, and individualized therapy.

When STBXH and I went to a couple's counsellor, she said that the break shouldn't be more than 2 months. It takes a few weeks to start to miss someone being around, and to fall into a new routine. She said that during that time, we would figure out whether or not we missed each other and wanted to stay together or if we were better apart. She said that more time than that was pointless, and it would just split us further apart.

Having contact throughout a break, whether it be talking, texting or meeting up, makes the break not really be a break at all. STBXH and I did a 8 week no contact break. It helped us to sort through our thoughts without having input or convincing from each other. 

How did you lie to your wife? Do you think you'll be able to amend your behaviours? Have you tried individual counselling to help you through these steps? Oh, reading on, I see what behaviour you speak of. I think that when there's been cheating in the past, and both people have managed to get past that, then all communication lines need to be open. If you're going for coffee with a girl (or a guy for that matter; anyone) at work, your wife should be privy to that information. Otherwise, I can see how she might get suspicious.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

You should not start the break until you have answered your questions. Taking a break without a plan is like going on vacation without knowing where you're going or why.

There are HUNDREDS of web resources about this, you can Google and get awesome ideas.

The phrase to use is "trial separation". You can get formal with a written agreement - but IMO, this is what you do if you're expecting to divorce. Otherwise, you just say, this is what we're trying.

The usual summary is that you are going to "live as if you were no longer married" except that you abstain from sex with others. Then, you see if you're happier without each other. Most of the time, if people have gone this far, they do figure out they prefer being without the other.

So - go Google "Trial separation" and then agree on it with your wife, THEN separate.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Hibee said:


> Because we've seen/spoke to each other every day for 15 years, and it's hard not to I suppose.


Sounds counterproductive if you're separated. There's a reason for that after all. 

Try not doing it.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

I read all these posts and I still don't know anything.

She wants it to work out.

You want it to work out.

So, why in the world are you separated?

Am I missing something?

When my wife moved out, I got the "I want to divorce you ASAP" texts and emails almost immediately.

Is there any passion in your relationship?


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Hibee
First, I want you to seriously consider therapy. Lying is a learned behavior that is essentially a defense mechanism. Something that you wish to conceal about yourself is easily accomplished by stating a falsehood. You have to learn why this behavior repeats to the detriment of your relationship. If you love your wife, you need to determine the triggers for this behavior and ultimately the end of this behavior.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Everyone is suggesting therapy. Okay, fine. But talking to a guru is only the start and not really the most important aspect of all of this. 

Really, you need a lifestyle change. It sounds like you cannot control your impulses. This will be the ruin of you if you don't address it. If you are addicted to drugs (you mentioned drug use) then I would recommend you enroll in a 12 step program that will enlist the help of a higher power while at the same time holding you accountable to your addictions and weaknesses. You will be required to acknowledge your issues and be asked to take steps to conquer them. You will have the support of others who are also struggling. It's an effective program for those who see it through.

The other issue if I read between the lines correctly is the company you keep. You don't mention the people who surround you, but I firmly believe that if we spend our time with people who are aspirational and who conduct their affairs with integrity, honor, and common courtesy we live up to those qualities. Like I said above, it sounds like you need a lifestyle change.

I would suggest that you read the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. It's a great book on self improvement that stirs people away from being disorganized and living on impulse. I sense that you need to develop habits that are proactive and help you to identify your priorities and value important relationships both at home and at work. 

You suffer from low self esteem because you have not been able to maintain integrity. Your self reflection is good. But are you willing to do something about it? Will you follow through and make a LIFEstyle change? There is no try. There is only do.


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## Hibee (Dec 26, 2017)

ReturntoZero said:


> I read all these posts and I still don't know anything.
> 
> She wants it to work out.
> 
> ...


We're separated because I made the decision to leave. I let her down, I know I do it, and I don't believe I wouldn't do it again. Each time I do it it messes her up, it makes her anxiety worse, it makes her trust me less.

If I knew I wouldn't do it again, I'd go back to her.


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## Hibee (Dec 26, 2017)

Taxman said:


> Hibee
> First, I want you to seriously consider therapy. Lying is a learned behavior that is essentially a defense mechanism. Something that you wish to conceal about yourself is easily accomplished by stating a falsehood. You have to learn why this behavior repeats to the detriment of your relationship. If you love your wife, you need to determine the triggers for this behavior and ultimately the end of this behavior.


I'm not 100% ruling out therapy, but I've been through 2 sets of marriage counselling already, I don't really want to go do more of that kind of thing.

I'll be reading books, as suggested earlier in this thread.


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## Hibee (Dec 26, 2017)

Rick Blaine said:


> Everyone is suggesting therapy. Okay, fine. But talking to a guru is only the start and not really the most important aspect of all of this.
> 
> Really, you need a lifestyle change. It sounds like you cannot control your impulses. This will be the ruin of you if you don't address it. If you are addicted to drugs (you mentioned drug use) then I would recommend you enroll in a 12 step program that will enlist the help of a higher power while at the same time holding you accountable to your addictions and weaknesses. You will be required to acknowledge your issues and be asked to take steps to conquer them. You will have the support of others who are also struggling. It's an effective program for those who see it through.
> 
> ...


There's a lot in here that I don't agree with -

I can control my impulses. I don't cheat on my wife.

I'm not addicted to drugs, I do use recreationally, but I do this because I enjoy it, I don't need it, it's not something I'm dependant on, it's not something I even do that often. The issue here is that even once in a blue moon is too often for my wife.

The company I keep - if anything, I'm the problem, not my friends. I'm certain my friends partners would have more issues with me, than my wife would have with them. 

I will however, look into the book you recommend. 

I don't suffer from low self esteem, at all really.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Have you always been a quitter?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Take a long hard look. This will be your life if you don't fix it.

You are correct to let her go. Why keep breaking her heart until she finds some one worthy of her.

When you look back years from now will this be the one you pushed away and regretted it.

Only you can change yourself.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Seems like you lie because she moans about what you do!


Do you lie about other things and to other people?

She was insecure so she would complain about things you did. You were insecure so instead of standing up for yourself in a polite but stern mannor you just lie to keep the peace.

Codependance at its finest.

You cheated dude! The trust is gone forever. And then you kept on lying to reinforce that your not trust worthy.


The best thing for both of you is divorce,


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Marc878 said:


> Take a long hard look. This will be your life if you don't fix it.
> 
> You are correct to let her go. Why keep breaking her heart until she finds some one worthy of her.
> 
> ...


How about deciding to actually do it?


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## Hibee (Dec 26, 2017)

ReturntoZero said:


> Have you always been a quitter?


A quitter is someone who's gone through 2 sets of marriage counselling, and comes on a forum like this for advice, then goes and buys the books that are recommended to them? If so, then yes, I'm obviously a quitter.


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## Hibee (Dec 26, 2017)

chillymorn69 said:


> Seems like you lie because she moans about what you do!
> 
> 
> Do you lie about other things and to other people?


Absolutely, I lie because I'd rather not be moaned at.

No, generally I don't lie about things to other people. I don't live with them, so if they want to moan, they can moan.


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## Hibee (Dec 26, 2017)

Marc878 said:


> Take a long hard look. This will be your life if you don't fix it.
> 
> You are correct to let her go. Why keep breaking her heart until she finds some one worthy of her.
> 
> ...


That's basically what's going round and round in my head.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Hibee said:


> A quitter is someone who's gone through 2 sets of marriage counselling, and comes on a forum like this for advice, then goes and buys the books that are recommended to them? If so, then yes, I'm obviously a quitter.


I'm not able to internalize what you're writing because your actions are so passive, timid, and reactive.


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