# Divorce? Can severe sexual baggage be fixed?



## donut (Dec 6, 2011)

I moved in with my now husband at 19, and married him at 21. I have a child from a previous relationship who is now 7, and he loves his step-father very, very much. 
This man is my best friend. We are compatible in almost every way – except sexually. 
I think perhaps we may have been capable of true sexual compatibility in the early stages had I been more mature and he more experience. I was, in retrospect, not as into him sexually as he was into me. It was not my intention to be misleading – I just thought, at 19, that women were not interested in sex in the way men were. 
This mild disinterest in sex caused problems early on in the relationship. While we were by no means vanilla in the bedroom, he was very forceful and adamant about involving others in our sex life. His particular interest was multiple males (straight) and one female (myself), and there were times he belittled me for my discomfort in exploring that option. There were also times (plural) in which he would intentionally try to get me into sexual situations with other men (usually while I was inebriated) and then attempt to make that situation happen. I also discovered him speaking about me via email or text with other men on a few occasions, encouraging them to be aggressive in their attempts to spark a group sex situation should they find themselves alone with me and my husband. All of these things were couched, in his words, as attempts to force me to do something he knew I would enjoy if I had to. This went on for about 2 years, with many, many fights in which I attempted to explain how violated these attempts made me feel when he knew I didn’t want to (or perhaps just wasn’t ready to) participate in that type of situation. 
The end of these fights (at least the majority of them) came with an incident in which I had agreed to go to a couples (read: swingers) club, and invited my best friend to come along. I had not strictly forbidden my husband to be sexual with this friend in particular, but we had previously established my discomfort with him being with another female, and he had said he had no interest in being with another female as it wasn’t his particular kink. I also, on this night, reiterated how intimidated I was by this friend’s body compared to mine. 
Long story short, we went to this club, and afterwards a “couples” theatre. I didn’t see it happen at the time, as I was fooling around with another female in our group, but was told afterwards by my husband that he had sex with my best friend. 
I was devastated. I can’t think of any better way to write that out. I guess a part of me still is, 5 years later. 
Since then, our sex life has not been anything more than utility. It took some time for me to even to be able to have sex with him again. The trust that was broken… I just couldn’t see past it. 
Time passed and while the issue wasn’t truly laid to bed, we weren’t ready to split over it. Looking back, I would have if I had been in the position to support myself and my son. Instead, we moved on with a much more mundane and awkward sex life, and got married (I know, WHAT?!). We did not have sex on our week long honeymoon. 
As time progressed we fought more and more about the frequency of sex, which never again rose above once a week, and trickled to an average of once a month. I was fine (at least at that point) with the frequency… I cannot remember a time since that night that I have wanted to initiate sex, although I never initiated it much before that anyway.
Two years ago, I finally admitted to my husband that I had not experienced orgasm with him in 2 years. He was shocked and hurt, and rightfully so. I should have brought it up before it reached that point. Then the fights returned to his complaints about frequency, although we fought less about it. Another o-free 2 years went by. 
Shamefully, 9 months ago, I started an affair with a friend. We are sexually compatible in a way I never experienced with my husband in the best of times. I’ve grown sexually. I want to please him, he wants to please me. The idea of exploring his desires is not repugnant to me, as is the case with my husband. I very much enjoy his company. He is also a great friend who I care very deeply for. 
While I don’t want to make the decision to divorce my husband for another, and wouldn’t immediately pursue a committed relationship with anyone at this point, the experience has made me question if my marriage can be fixed. My husband knows about the affair and wants to move past it with me. He insists that we can fix our sexual problems. I’m not sure that desire I feel naturally for this other man can be re-created for a man that I never felt it for (not, at least in the magnitude I have now for this other person). I understand that sex ebbs and flows in a relationship. I understand what I did, regardless of reasoning, was wrong, and I am guilty over it every day. I feel like I am breaking up a home, and my husband is very vocal about it being the wrong decision, that marriage with a friend shouldn’t just be thrown away. I try to get reassurance from him that being sexually fulfilled with him is possible, and he insists it is, and that to say otherwise is me just looking for a way out of this marriage. I tell him that I was 19 when we moved in with each other, one month out of the relationship I started at 16. I tell him perhaps I married what I needed then – a father and a friend. He believes that marriage can work no matter what, no matter whom. He believes once two have married and become friends, there is nothing short of abuse that should end a marriage.
I now have to make a decision. Is sexual incompatibility on the scale I’ve described a valid reason for divorce? Has anyone had a marriage in a similar state that’s prevailed? Or have I, in growing past the real hurt from our past experiences, irrevocably grown past him sexually? Or should I accept the fact that my sexual relationship with him might be able to improve but will probably never be extremely great, but that is just the kind of stuff you stick out as an adult in a marriage that involves children?
Also, if all you have to add is a chastisement for cheating, please save it. It’s not constructive, it’s not helpful. Everyone makes poor decisions. I have been honest about mine with him and even my friends and family. I accept responsibility. I only want now to do the right thing.
Thank you guys in advance for any input.


----------



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

What a mess! 

I'll cut to the quick. Get a divorce and move on. Nothing in your current relationship sounds like it's worth trying to salvage. At least from my limited perspective.

I also suggest that you go to counseling to work on recovering from things that happened during your marriage.

I wish you luck!


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

A true mess.

Tell me this, what is your 7 year old learning about relationship and sex out of all of this? And is it going to set him up to be happy and a good partner later in life? 

I wish I could offer advice here that would help you, but your husband has pushed hard for a swinger lifestyle and you have engaged in it too. Youve also been having an affair while not connecting with your husband.

Does either of you actually value the other person or their feelings? You both sound very selfish and you have both turned sex into the central point of your world. Sex is hellafun, but there has to be a balance.

Btw, where is your kid when you are running around with the OM ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## donut (Dec 6, 2011)

Thank you both for your input. It's helpful to hear that divorce is at least an option some would consider reasonable, to say the least. 

To answer your question Shaggy, my son's father gets our son every other weekend for the the entire weekend, and occasionally a day here or there in the week. I would use those days to venture out and see OM.


----------



## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Get out!!!!


----------

