# Is reconciliation after separation possible? Have we taken this too far??



## Confused99 (Jul 29, 2010)

Haven't posted on here in a while, but if you've read any of my previous posts you'd know that my marriage has pretty much been hell for both of us. We got married too young and too fast and there has just been endless drama between the two of us- lying, financial problems, cheating, bad communication you name it. Last year he was diagnosed with ADHD and then I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and things just got more stressful and chaotic while we were both trying to get ourselves to a healthier state through therapy and medication. So this year I asked hubby for some time to myself so I can focus solely on getting myself together so I went back to my parents' and got my own place and started working. 

I've been out here 5 months and Im not sure what me&hubby are doing. He wants to know if Im coming back or if he should just move on with his life and I dont know what to tell him. Coming back home has created seeking help a battle for me because I had to work through some insurance details and then get on a waiting list to see the doctor and then i work. I wanted to be financially stable while i was away so I could prove to myself that i dont NEED a husband I just wanted one but even with his large financial assistance Im still struggling money-wise so I feel like a failure in that respect. Things are definitely much quieter, dont have to come home to uncertainty and dysfunction every day.

I'm lonely  I see other couples and parents with their children and I want that family and then I remember oh yeah I do have someone but do I settle with him so I can have that vision? is it settling if we're already married?? It always looks like other people are "meant to be" but I do know that looks arent everything they might go through the same stuff hubby&I do, but what if they dont? What if we just arent meant to be?

Im not sure what to tell hubby at this point. I felt like last year we beat the dead horse over and over before I got to the point of leaving. However, we are married do I at least owe him more horse beating? Do I give up getting my own place and working and being closer to family to honor marriage and keep trying over and over or has this whole situation passed the point of turning back?

Thoughts??


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## GhostRydr (Jun 2, 2012)

Im a twice married guy and both times we tried to reconcile after a separation and both times it didnt work...all it did for me was drag out the inevitable and delayed my escape from Hell


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

OP - have you been to individual counseling?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Confused99 said:


> Do I give up getting my own place and working and being closer to family to honor marriage and keep trying over and over or has this whole situation passed the point of turning back?


No one can answer this question except for you and your spouse.

That said, you have said in your other posts that you have a very difficult time with decision making. Getting back together is a big decision. You have been separated 5 months and cannot really say one way or another whether you want to move back. Your husband can't do anything without your decision, either.

After a while, even the most patient spouse will move on under these circumstances.

Just know that by not making a decision assertively, you are passively killing the marriage. That might be the goal, but just make sure that's what you want.


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## Bean05 (Apr 23, 2013)

I know this post is from quite a while ago... I feel so bad for you reading through some of your threads. I have to say a lot of what you talk about sounds EXACTLY like my situation. My husband isn't necessarily a 'bad' guy. He doesn't hit me, doesn't yell at me, we don't fight, but what ends up happening is I feel like his mother. I ask him to do a chore, he does it and then goes out to the garage all night long. We don't talk about things. If I try, he just stares at me and doesn't know what to say. A simple conversation is viewed as an arguement to him, even when there is absolutely no yelling, name calling, or harsh tones. He just doesn't know how to communicate or have an emotionally connected relationship. Anyway, I just wanted to know how you made up your mind in this situation. I have been separated for going on 7 months and cannot make up my mind either. A part of me loves my husband, but part of me cannot STAND the idea of going back to that situation.


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## Saffy (Mar 19, 2013)

Not directly related, but I do have a question for Bean or Confused: IF your husband showed personal growth, an actual change in the way they acted, an understanding of how you felt and why you felt that way and how it affected your relationship... would you be more apt to reconcile, since you still love him?

Did you leave him or vice versa?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Just a thought...... is it the family you want or the H? A family can be complete with other guys in the future. But is there a bond with H/ex? If communication played a roll in ending it, it may be a tough road to rely on it to bring things back together. If there is no children, try a complete NC for a year or so (I am taking it the couples are young). Time heals a lot of things or at least softens them. Nothing is as counter productive as two people with a list of 'this is what you did' sitting at each end of the table.


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## lostLove77 (Jan 25, 2013)

Chuck71 said:


> Nothing is as counter productive as two people with a list of 'this is what you did' sitting at each end of the table.


I know my issues but my wife has her list she keeps pouring over. I guess that is the tiniest piece of hope, time soften things. I just fear she'll meet someone who wins her heart, because she's a great woman.


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## Bean05 (Apr 23, 2013)

Saffy said:


> Not directly related, but I do have a question for Bean or Confused: IF your husband showed personal growth, an actual change in the way they acted, an understanding of how you felt and why you felt that way and how it affected your relationship... would you be more apt to reconcile, since you still love him?
> 
> Did you leave him or vice versa?


I left him. We had been together since I was 14. Had MANY ups and downs over the course of our relationship. One of the main problems we had was that I was not ok with his drug habits. He likes to drink a lot and smoke pot. Finally we had one too many arguments about weed and I decided I had enough. If he would have made an honest effort after I left to work on things and show me things would improve, I absolutely would have come back. Instead, he continues to smoke pot and stay out all night drinking. I don't want to raise my son in that type of environment and honestly, after 7 months of being separated, I feel like it's a little too late for him to make an effort now. Especially when the problems we've had have been the same for many many years. And yes, I'm aware that I am partially to blame because he had these habits before we got married and I married him anyway and had a child with him. But at a certain point, you expect people to grow up a bit..especially when they are TELLING YOU that things will change. If he would have told me, "I like doing this and that's just the way it is" things would have been different. Sorry this reply is so long lol


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## Bean05 (Apr 23, 2013)

And I have to be honest...I have my list that I keep pouring over as well. I've tried to let the past be the past and move on, but what do you do when someone keeps repeating the same mistakes and telling you they are sorry and that it won't happen again? There have been a lot of things I've had to deal with that I honestly don't think happen in 'normal' relationships. I've often wondered if I only feel a close bond to my husband because we practically grew up together (dating at 14, almost 30 now) and have been together for so long. We don't have much in common, sex life was virtually non-existant...we'd go months, he'd spend all his time out in the garge and not come in the house til midnight or 3am some nights, the above mentioned drug use...etc, etc. I honestly just got tired of going to bed alone, waking up alone, taking care of my house and my son ... alone. I always thought to myself, "marriage wasn't meant to make you feel lonely all the time." But I still feel conflicted for some reason because I do love him and tried so hard to make things work but I don't feel like he has tried at all. It's just hard to give up on something that you have been clinging to for many years.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

lostLove77 said:


> I know my issues but my wife has her list she keeps pouring over. I guess that is the tiniest piece of hope, time soften things. I just fear she'll meet someone who wins her heart, because she's a great woman.


Really now


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

LL77 If she wants to be with you, she will be

there is no force field keeping her


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Bean05 How was his attitude and habits the first five years of you and him dating?


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## Bean05 (Apr 23, 2013)

Chuck71 said:


> Bean05 How was his attitude and habits the first five years of you and him dating?


Well, the first 5 years were a little different... Granted, we were fairly young (we met my freshmen year of highschool). He would buy me flowers and jewelry on holidays and we did a lot of things together. We went to a lot of movies and shopping. There were always problems though. We got caught drinking when I was 14 and was grounded from him for an entire summer (I had never drank until I met him; it was a fairly regular occurance for him). As soon as summer was over we were back together. He cheated on me that year. We both dabbled in pot use in highschool but I stopped and he never did, so that was an issue. He quit a job and punched his boss on the way out...didn't get hired at a factory because of a drug test that he failed. He almost didn't graduate his senior year. Got arrested for robbery but it was cleaned from his record because he was a minor. Things got better in college. He made good grades and got a decent job. There are times I look back at all this and think I should have left a long time ago. My young life was completely different. I graduated cum laude, always made good grades, had a 10pm curfew (his was "when his ass hit the door") have worked since I was 15... I wasn't perfect though. I did drink before I was of-age and dabbled with pot, even though I never really got into it.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Barely graduated high school LOL, drank, smoked pot, constantly in to mischief... 

sounded like you were describing me for a second. Difference is...I had mine in check

the issues you spoke of revolve around internal conflict

he needs to seek help but....try getting a guy to admit this

we're hard headed that way.... would his family / friends help you?

AA and NA would definitely help, maybe Al-ANon for you

if he addressed his issues would it change anything with you?

IC would help you better understand why things occur

Example..... I attended UT-Chattanooga in early 90's

Wildest party animal...fights, vandalism, you name it, he did it

right before he graduated one of his professors saw it 1st hand

he was beaten and molested as a child, once he told someone

the demons went away, has been detective twenty years

not saying your H was ever molested but just showing

opening up to a stranger and/or in the MH field may unearth many answers


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## Bean05 (Apr 23, 2013)

LOL I WISH his friends/family would be of any help, but they are honestly just as bad and probably responsible for the way he is. I have gone to his dad for help in the past, and nothing is ever done about it. People around here think drinking/smoking your life away is perfectly fine. I guess it is for a lot of people but it just seems like such a waste of time to me. Especially now that we have a child in the picture. I honestly think the biggest problem is that, as a child/young adult, he was never held accountable for anything and was never responsible for anything...and now that he's an adult with responsibilities he doesn't know how to function. 

But there are a ton of other issues as well... we never spend time together. As soon as he comes home and finishes supper he's out in the garage until the early morning hours. There's always something more important to 'work on' rather than spend time with his family. I don't get anything on anniversaries, my first mother's day was a non-event. I don't expect anything extravagent but a card or a simple "happy mother's day" and a kiss would be great. Just the fact that nothing is ever done 'together'...grocery shopping, cleaning, taking care of our son, nothing.. I also feel like he has no ambition and never gets excited about anything, ever. I've asked him if he would talk to a counselor and he hasn't. We went to one session of marriage counseling and he didn't do what the counselor suggested (reading a book, putting in writing that he would stop smoking pot) and we didn't go back because it was so expensive. Plus, why go back if he's not doing the 'homework'? sorry this is so long.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

There are MC that charge on a sliding scale

but if he is not willing to put forth the effort

what else can you do?

how old is the child and the two of you?

I still recommend IC for you

I apologize for asking if you have answered already

Are you M, D or separated?


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## Bean05 (Apr 23, 2013)

Chuck71 said:


> There are MC that charge on a sliding scale
> 
> but if he is not willing to put forth the effort
> 
> ...


We are separated (7 months)...and heading for divorce, I fear. Our son is almsot 2. It breaks my hear that he's going to spend almost his entire life with his parents apart, but I guess there are worse situations he could be in. I went through individual counseling for a few months and finally the counselor told me there wasn't anything else she could do for me and that it was ok to feel the way I do. I honestly wasn't satisfied with the experience because I still felt/feel ambivalence about this relationship. But what strikes me is that the entire time I've been gone, he hasn't even really tried to get me to come home. He cries sometimes when dropping our son off and tells me he's just waiting for me to come home. I've told him that I wasn't happy with the way things were and that's why I left, so if things don't change, there's no reason for me to come back. But he hasn't really made any changes.. I've found pot in the garage twice since I left, my mom was a little late picking up my son so he could go hang out with his buddies one weekend and he got so mad he broke his phone in half...just immature stupid behavior that I don't want to come back to.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

He may exhibit that behavior around or to child....

may be a D would be what wakes him up

filing for D is just that, it's not the final decree

Let him know his 'no accountability' will no longer fly

then sit back and watch what he does

there are DIY divorces in most states


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## Bean05 (Apr 23, 2013)

Yeah, the broken phone incident happened while my son was present. It's just weird because he can act like everything is fine half the time and we get along ok and then the other tme he is just a complete jerk. Pushing my son away from the oven and saying 'i'll kick your little ass'. Yes, the oven is hot an an 18mo (at the time) should not be around it, but all he had to do was ask me to hold him while he opened the oven, not talk to my son that way. But at the same time, he will fix things around the house if I ask him and takes good care of the yard. He just doesn't relate to people well...anyone really. And doesn't know how to have relationships I think. He acts like he can't stand most of his friends too.. I just feel kind of depressed around him and I was seriously mad every day when we lived together. I'm actually much happier now but feel extremely guilty because I"m the one that left and I also have guilt for my son


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## Bean05 (Apr 23, 2013)

Plus the whole 'dividing assets' thing bothers me. I feel really guilty that he will lose a place to live. He is currently in our house and I am living elsewhere but he has told me that he will let me have the house if/when we file for divorce.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

May be he should seek a career in landscaping

if a yard pi55es him of, he can kick it all day

Are you familiar with 'learned behavior', the child learns this

more from their parents than anyone.....the oven scene was not appropriate 

when you married you wanted a H and good father, not a handy man

Bring the issue of D to the table with him

might be good idea to ask for supervised visitation

you are looking out for your child, not him

a friend on TAM told me once "things change when you get sick 

and tired of being sick and tired"


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## Bean05 (Apr 23, 2013)

lol funny you say that....he does do some lawn care as a side job. That's actually a really good quote. It reminds me of one that the counselor i saw told me.. "Without change, nothing changes." I guess it's just been hard for me to accept this change. Especially considering I've been with this man for literally half my life. My mom tells me all change is hard, even good change. Sometimes I just wonder if I'm making a mistake, but if 14 years of the same old arguments and me taking my son and leaving for 7 months doesn't open someone's eyes, I honestly don't think anything will. Thanks for the advice. I feel like I've exhausted all my friends and family with my situation and it's nice to have an impartial person's opinion.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Any time......you may want to start a thread in the Ladies Lounge. I'm sure they could give you some sound advice. I can promise if you read a few threads, you will find others in the exact situation. Best of luck!!


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## Bean05 (Apr 23, 2013)

Well, I just read what I posted a while back and thought I would follow up and vent a little. I ended up moving back in with my husband to give things a "chance". I've been home for about 3 months and I don't really know how I feel about everything anymore. My husband is honestly trying to work on things and but I am having a horrible time giving this relationship an honest second chance because of the relationship i started with someone else when I moved out. In all honesty, I didn't think my husband and I would get back together. But the closer I got with this other man, the more scared I got to lose my marriage...and I know that mostly has to do with my son (breaking up his family) and the fact that I've been with my husband so long (14+ years). So now I'm at home, still hung up on another man, and making a feeble attempt to make my marriage work even though deep down I don't want to. I have created a gigantic mess and I don't know how to get out. I know I HAVE to let this other man go, but I'm afraid that I'm letting go of a real chance to be happy. But at the same time, I'm afraid to let my husband go because he's the father of my son and we have built this life together that I hate to destroy... And I know this is probably TMI, but I've tried to have sex with my husband and I just can't.. I feel like those intimate feelings just aren't there any more. And I don't know if they will ever come back, or if they even can. 


Bean05 said:


> I left him. We had been together since I was 14. Had MANY ups and downs over the course of our relationship. One of the main problems we had was that I was not ok with his drug habits. He likes to drink a lot and smoke pot. Finally we had one too many arguments about weed and I decided I had enough. If he would have made an honest effort after I left to work on things and show me things would improve, I absolutely would have come back. Instead, he continues to smoke pot and stay out all night drinking. I don't want to raise my son in that type of environment and honestly, after 7 months of being separated, I feel like it's a little too late for him to make an effort now. Especially when the problems we've had have been the same for many many years. And yes, I'm aware that I am partially to blame because he had these habits before we got married and I married him anyway and had a child with him. But at a certain point, you expect people to grow up a bit..especially when they are TELLING YOU that things will change. If he would have told me, "I like doing this and that's just the way it is" things would have been different. Sorry this reply is so long lol


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

Be patient. I believe we choose who we love. Decide to love your husband and focus only on his good qualities. Forget the other man. Make that decision in your head. Are you guys going to counseling? Realistically, it takes time. Think of how many years your marriage deteriorated . You cant expect to fell anything right away. Baby steps. If you are uncomfortable with sex, talk to your husband about it. He should treat you like he just.met you and are dating. Doing the little things at first. Sex will come later when its time.


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## Bean05 (Apr 23, 2013)

We went to counseling once before we separated. It was extremely expensive and my husband didn't do the 'homework' that the counselor gave us, so we didn't bother going back. I went a lot (2 different counselors) by myself when we were separated. It's so hard for me to forget the other man, but I know that's probably what I should do. I feel horrible because I have put him through a mess of emotions in this as well. He has spent that last year trying to have a relationship with me and we have both developed a lot of feelings for each other. He is even trying to find a different job to accomodate our relationship. I feel guilty no matter what I do.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Bean05 said:


> We went to counseling once before we separated. It was extremely expensive and my husband didn't do the 'homework' that the counselor gave us, so we didn't bother going back. I went a lot (2 different counselors) by myself when we were separated. It's so hard for me to forget the other man, but I know that's probably what I should do. I feel horrible because I have put him through a mess of emotions in this as well. He has spent that last year trying to have a relationship with me and we have both developed a lot of feelings for each other. He is even trying to find a different job to accomodate our relationship. I feel guilty no matter what I do.


Have you been to individual counseling?


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## Bean05 (Apr 23, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Have you been to individual counseling?


Yes, I went to 2 different counsellors for individual counseling
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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