# Does he deserve another chance?



## Marigold32 (Nov 24, 2013)

Hi all,
I have been married for two years into my 3rd marriage. I have two kids one from my first marriage and the other from this marriage. 
My husband works away most of the year. A month in the marriage I found out that he was planning for another woman to visit him where he was. I found the email and confronted and him and told I was leaving him. He begged me and swore on our holy book (we are religious) that he won't do it again and that I should give him another chance. He said was just lonely and the girl meant nothing. I called the girl from his Skype and confronted her wanting to hear her side and she said they'd just started talking and she never knew he was married. To my surprise she apologised and sympathised with me and promised never to get in touch with him again. We later made up but things have never been the same. Every time he is away I feel he is upto no good. The trust is gone. Lately we fell out big time and every time we fall out he wont call for weeks. I planned on temporarily moving to join him but he changed his mind about the move and said I should stay. I know he loves me but the trust is gone. 
Once I felt really down and randomly spoke to my ex who was in town and heard that I was having issues with my husband. He was just checking on me. I later had to tell my husband about it. He got annoyed and decided to put up a picture of another woman as his Skype profile picture for me to see and the rest of his friends on Skype. I rang to ask him why he did that but he didn't answer my calls. I had to file for a divorce at the religious court and was granted it within days. In my religion a woman can divorce herself. He was informed but it came as a shock to him. Two days later he called me begging and apologising saying that he only put up that photo to get at me for what I told him but didn't mean anything. He said I should re consider my decision and not let the divorce leap the three month period the religion allows after which the marriage is final. I'm just confused, I still love him but I'm not sure if this marriage is worth fighting for again. I have to give my final word when he calls. And I know it will be that I'm done for good. I have not been very lucky with husbands. Both my previously marriages ended as a result of them cheating. I might just be unlucky or just have a lousy choice of husbands. I only held on to this one cos another child is born. Should I continue to try? Any thoughts?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Marigold32 said:


> Hi all,
> I had to file for a divorce at the religious court and was granted it within days...He was informed but it came as a shock to him... He said I should re consider my decision and not let the divorce leap the three month period the religion allows after which the marriage is final...Should I continue to try? Any thoughts?


It came as a shock to him? Good. One point for you. A shock CAN change him. Give him the three months for HIM to prove to YOU that he has seen the light. Put the fear of god into him for that three months. If it looks like he's a new man by then, you can give it more time. If not, what a perfect line in the sand.

Try to save the marriage if you want, but zero tolerance during this trial period.


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## Marigold32 (Nov 24, 2013)

Your advice is much appreciated Mrk. Thank you for your time. I'll do just that I see if there'll be any difference.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He doesn't talk to you for weeks when you have a disagreement?

That is not good, dear.


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## Marigold32 (Nov 24, 2013)

I know Jellybeans, it's very strange and I lived it for years now.


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## Almost There (Oct 23, 2013)

Ugh! I am in awe of the amount of pain & hurt you took because of this man. My heart is so sad for you.

If it were me, I would've been gone a while ago. Not only the infidelity, but the long periods of silence when you upset him? Are you kidding me? What is he, 12? That's totally, utterly ridiculous. Okay, moving on.

IF and only IF you really want to try to save this, these would be my MUST HAVES from him for the next, say, three months (like MrK said):

1. Complete, total transparency. Passwords, emails, text messages, Skype histories, phone records, EVERYTHING. No quarter in this department. You don't trust him - rightfully so. He needs to earn it back, and prove he's trustworthy again.
2. If you call, he picks up. If he doesn't, he'd better have a d-mn good reason with eye witnesses and proof as to why he didn't! You should be able to know his whereabouts all the time, and if you need him, he needs to be there for you, no questions asked.
3. No more periods of no contact. Ever. That has to stop, cold turkey. He needs to grow up.
4. Obviously, no more "other women." None. Not pictures on Skype, no messaging, no talking to them, and definitely no meeting up with them!

And, if you really want this to work, I would highly recommend him changing jobs to be closer, or you moving to be with him, or something. If he agrees to those stipulations and does well and you feel your relationship has a chance, tell him you need him closer. He lost the privilege of your trust from far away with that Skype girl and frankly I think it'd be better for both of you if you were closer. Long distance is hard enough without all the trust problems!

But do know... that you are absolutely, 100% within your rights to just leave and not look back. Don't stay for the children, is all I have to say to that, because as a child of divorce, the times when my parents were both home and fighting were much more damaging than just moving on with the divorce! Don't do that to yourself; it's bad for you, bad for your children, and bad for their futures. Do what you would want them to if they were ever in your situation - teach by example.

And good luck!  You may get better answers regarding the infidelity and how to handle all of this in the CWI (Coping with Infidelity) section.


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## Almost There (Oct 23, 2013)

Ugh! I am in awe of the amount of pain & hurt you took because of this man. My heart is so sad for you.

If it were me, I would've been gone a while ago. Not only the infidelity, but the long periods of silence when you upset him? Are you kidding me? What is he, 12? That's totally, utterly ridiculous. Okay, moving on.

IF and only IF you really want to try to save this, these would be my MUST HAVES from him for the next, say, three months (like MrK said):

1. Complete, total transparency. Passwords, emails, text messages, Skype histories, phone records, EVERYTHING. No quarter in this department. You don't trust him - rightfully so. He needs to earn it back, and prove he's trustworthy again.
2. If you call, he picks up. If he doesn't, he'd better have a d-mn good reason with eye witnesses and proof as to why he didn't! You should be able to know his whereabouts all the time, and if you need him, he needs to be there for you, no questions asked.
3. No more periods of no contact. Ever. That has to stop, cold turkey. He needs to grow up.
4. Obviously, no more "other women." None. Not pictures on Skype, no messaging, no talking to them, and definitely no meeting up with them!

And, if you really want this to work, I would highly recommend him changing jobs to be closer, or you moving to be with him, or something. If he agrees to those stipulations and does well and you feel your relationship has a chance, tell him you need him closer. He lost the privilege of your trust from far away with that Skype girl and frankly I think it'd be better for both of you if you were closer. Long distance is hard enough without all the trust problems!

But do know... that you are absolutely, 100% within your rights to just leave and not look back. Don't stay for the children, is all I have to say to that, because as a child of divorce, the times when my parents were both home and fighting were much more damaging than just moving on with the divorce! Don't do that to yourself; it's bad for you, bad for your children, and bad for their futures. Do what you would want them to if they were ever in your situation - teach by example.

And good luck!  You may get better answers regarding the infidelity and how to handle all of this in the CWI (Coping with Infidelity) section.


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## Marigold32 (Nov 24, 2013)

Aw AlmostThere I cannot tell you how greatful I am with your response. I take everything you say on board. I've gone through enormous pain and most of it was just for the kids. But with a drastic change, I'm simple done. Thank you very much and thanks for tip.


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