# Divorced or sep'd is there a good distance to live from your kids ?



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Hi again people.

We separated and are selling the house. My D nearly 12 lives with her mum 10 mins away right now. 
That's really handy because I can just drop in anytime or we go out places. 
She stays here most weekends too - nother story.
But it's too close to my x and her stuff , I don't wanna be that close to her life like this.

Thing is , when we first broke up I was thinking of moving just over to a new spot I like but still in the area and that'd be about 15mins from my Daughter.
But as time goes on I have to admit it , I'd rather just move right the hell out of this area now that this has happened.
But somewhere new that I do really like would put me 35mins away from her.
My other choice is 2hrs away - that's my fav but - it's 2hrs away . An easy back road drive over but still 2hrs.

How far away are you from your kids , what's worked or how is it going ?

What would you think of my 2 choices - 35mins or what about the 2hr one.

Hopefully the house sells soon !


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

It's up to you if you want to spend the gas money to pick up your child.


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## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

I would love to hear the responses also. I am separated and selling our house also. We have decided to stay in the school district so our kids S13 and D10 can stay with their friends. We have talked about 50/50 custody. I would love not to see the ex much at all. Good luck


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Having to live apart from your children must be the hardest part about relationship breakdowns. 

I can see why the OP would not want to live in the same neighborhood as his EX too many chances for that unwanted chance encounter, seeing / hearing about what she is up to with whom and visa versa. 
How far away is far enough and who far is too far? 
I would think that unless the split has been very amicable you should not be "just dropping by" to see the kids so 1/2 an hour’s travel should be far enough that you and the EX will not be using the same supermarket / doctors / church / bowling alley etc so that would be a minimum. 
If you want to be able to make parents evening / school sports events / have the kids on a school night then no more than an hour I would have thought. If you are just going to see / have the kids at the weekend / in the holidays then the limiting factor will be the amount of time / money you are willing / able to spend on travel. 

It is the other side of the coin I know but I do make the 3 hour round trip to see my widowed father a couple of times a month but it does cost me in fuel (it’s the equivalent of over $7 a gallon in the UK) as well as time.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

We do 50/50 shared care and live about 15 mins (city driving) apart. I would not like it to be much further than that as it is convenient as it is. 
If the kids needs something or we swap days etc then it is just easier that we live close by. The kids like it this way too.

Where we live there is a lot of great public transport so the older boy can easily get from one house to the other on his own if needed.

Ex and I are amicable and do coffee, chat regularly so I would have no issue if he lived 5 minutes away. It would be an issue though if we lived further apart, it just wouldn't suit our lifestyle and that is what needs consideration, not what anyone else does but what your lifestyle is.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Holland said:


> Ex and I are amicable and do coffee, chat regularly so I would have no issue if he lived 5 minutes away. It would be an issue though if we lived further apart, it just wouldn't suit our lifestyle and that is what needs consideration, not what anyone else does but what your lifestyle is.


It is good to hear of couples who have been able to put the needs of their children above their pride and are making the effort to remain connected for the children’s sake.

It is a shame that more separated couples cannot find a way to do the same.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

confusedat42 said:


> I would love to hear the responses also. I am separated and selling our house also. We have decided to stay in the school district so our kids S13 and D10 can stay with their friends. We have talked about 50/50 custody. I would love not to see the ex much at all. Good luck



Thanks C and yeah hell , do I hear you. We're both cool with as much of both parents as we can manage for her but how to work it. But I just don't wanna be around ex. I wanna be happy , start new if we aren't going anywhere but I want my daughter too.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Wiltshireman said:


> Having to live apart from your children must be the hardest part about relationship breakdowns.
> 
> I can see why the OP would not want to live in the same neighborhood as his EX too many chances for that unwanted chance encounter, seeing / hearing about what she is up to with whom and visa versa.
> How far away is far enough and who far is too far?
> ...


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Wiltshireman said:


> It is good to hear of couples who have been able to put the needs of their children above their pride and are making the effort to remain connected for the children’s sake.
> 
> It is a shame that more separated couples cannot find a way to do the same.


Thanks Wiltshireman, it took a good 12 months to get to that point but well worth the work especially for the kids. I know we are the exception though. 

Ex just txt me as he has a last minute meeting so I will pick up kids and he will get them from my place after the meeting. This is better for the kids than after school care and shows them that ex and I are still working as a team when parenting.
This is what I mean by lifestyle OP, life can change daily with kids so living close by gives us more flexibility to work around each others and the kids schedules.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Holland said:


> We do 50/50 shared care and live about 15 mins (city driving) apart. I would not like it to be much further than that as it is convenient as it is.
> If the kids needs something or we swap days etc then it is just easier that we live close by. The kids like it this way too.
> 
> Where we live there is a lot of great public transport so the older boy can easily get from one house to the other on his own if needed.
> ...



Thanks Holland. So how long has it been for you guys all up now then ?

What your saying is exactly as we've been doing things so we're another rare exception .
We do all the stuff your saying and I'm often over at her place 3-4 hrs of a night with my daughter and usually x is around, I often have tea there too.
Just came from there now actually , 4hrs, daughters of sick so went over for awhile.
This was all going pretty good considering the situation and staying close for our daughter was our long term plan.

Trouble is two big things have happened in the last few weeks, big reality checks.
One , I turn up one Sat morn'g to pick her up and x's bf is there . I nearly threw up . It made me sick .
Since I did research and to NO surprise to me - was to x though - your not even meant to have new partners around the kids for at least a yr - 2 is even better because naturally they need time to figure all this out.
I was furious because I thought x had more sense and didn't even know she'd had this guy around my daughter so soon.
Anyway , x agreed to keep him totally away from her and the house now but - it still drives the reality of this whole new world - life of ours , home .

The second big thing is an honest reality check on this area and it has never worked for me . I didn't even wanna stay here and I only did for x but now this ! And in all honesty I still don't wanna stay now either . I've had nothing but bad runs here - worse , and now due to everything that's happened for us here it's pretty well costed us our marriage and family too.

I'm still paying for it even more now because I'm still at the home we ended up buying finally, it's horrible , never wanted this place either I knew it was bad news , she did. Yet here I am stuck here now on my own. 

So , where's the line ? The problem is things don't change much until you get up around out main town but that's 30m away . V nice there though


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Truth is , this whole thing especially for my D above all else , is making me sick to the stomach . I would have saved the marriage for her , but I can't do that alone.

I even found a new place I could probably manage that's only 15m away from her. Trouble is it's still in this area and with the latest , dunno how smart that'd be !
I haven't totally ruled it out though yet.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

it has been over 3 years for us whitehawk and to be fair we did not have any issues such as adultery, drinking, abuse etc. 

I agree that it is best to not intro kids to new partners until the relationship has been going for at least 12 months. I waited till then to intro my kids to my partner, the ex introduced his partner to the kids within weeks and no surprises but it has been a shambles and they have since ended the relationship.

Ex has met my partner and they seem to get along fine but I at least do the right thing and let ex know if my partner is going to be here when ex is coming over.

It is a hard one and there is no point looking at what others do really, you need to do what is best for your situation. We live in a big city so if I never wanted to see ex again it would be easy to avoid him even though we live close by. 

We do drop offs/ pick ups from school so at the start it was easier as we could go weeks without seeing each other but just communicate via txt. 
One thing we have always done though is to attend all the kids school functions together, even at the start when I was at my lowest I still put on a happy face in front of and for the kids.

Ex and I gradually grew into the situation we have now, it took hard work (especially for me) but we both always wanted the best for the kids. This is not for everyone and if you are unhappy with where you live then that is a huge consideration.

Could you rent out your place out for a year and rent somewhere else for yourself just to see if the change of location will work for you?


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Hey H , thanks for the details, it all helps you know .
Yeah look it's just with so many people having gone through all this , it's not so much not doing our thing but more I've been trying to find happy scenarios you know, like yours .

Wish we were still in the city in that way too I know what you mean. 
We have 4 smaller towns around us and then the main 30m away.
Each of the small towns can be a separate world and two are right on the coast. The block I have found has sea views and all and the town is a totally separate crowd to the one shes in and 15m over, so I was hoping it might be fair compensation , I dunno. 
It is still basically in the same area that's given me hell though , and close.

Yeah been thinking about renting the house out , if I could.
It's up for sale now , dunno if it'll sell though , some interest. I'd rather the damn thing just gone 1st choice though, whatever I do. Spose even if it did sell , your right I could always try renting where ever first.

How come it was so hard for you at the start , well apart from the obvious , didn't you want the split ?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I was the one that initiated the divorce but ex agreed it was the best thing to do. Ours was a sexless marriage (his choice not mine) and I had a huge amount of resentment towards him because of this.

I tried to pressure him into giving me closure and an explanation as to why he withdrew from me all those years earlier. He is a non communicator and while I think he wanted to give me some closure he just doesn't have the life skills to be able to do this. So I walked around very angry for a while then one day decided to take control of my life and started the necessary work to heal myself from the fallout of a sexless marriage and subsequent divorce.

He wanted to remain friends but it wasn't until I let go of my hurt and anger that I could do that. SO over time we have just grown into what we have now, I still care for him as he does me. We support each other when life crisis happens such as parents passing and we both hold our children as the top priority.

Takes two to tango as they say. I have friends that will never have an amicable situation with their ex let alone a friendship.

Have to say that I am happier in my current relationship than I ever was with the ex. Now I understand what it is I need in a partner, it was not the ex's fault that we ended in divorce, we were fighting an uphill battle. I see that now as I know we just weren't that compatible for marriage.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Uh hu. Thanks for the detail H , very appreciated and helpful to know.

We still get along probably better than most people actually still together , it's a strange scenario . We always have before the last few yrs of struggles in lifes cluster fk got the better of us.
Ir's strange for us now though , 180's are near imposs' as we just take off but I have anger inside still , even though I was just as much maybe more to blame.

But , we could very very easily end up the best friends in the world and still help each other with all kinds of crap but - that ain't what we signed up for , so to live like that in another way now instead , is just pure bs to me.

So I come and go like crazy on the whole thing but we do both want the v/best we can manage for our girl in all this and so for that I try to push aside any underneath stuff .
But considering whats happened to us , our world , our family , we're doing an incredible job with our girl . To me it'll never be good enough but , it's a work in progress so !


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Have to say that I am happier in my current relationship than I ever was with the ex. Now I understand what it is I need in a partner, it was not the ex's fault that we ended in divorce, we were fighting an uphill battle. I see that now as I know we just weren't that compatible for marriage.[/QUOTE]


Nice to know life's gone that way for you H.
I wish I could say the same but unfortunately we've both admitted neither of us will ever have what we had again unfortunately.
We were always far from an average couple and lived an incredible life and times that matched it . But even if we hadn't it never seemed to matter what we were doing anyway there was always laughter , beaming grins around each other , talk and much more personal stuff.
She knows , I know , we'll never have that again the way we were.

It's just such a shame that unfortunately a string of the heaviest life events , one after the other , for 4 or 5 yrs running just got too much in the end . First for me and then as a result of that , for her.

Still , things move on I guess so from here we'll just have to see what the old future holds.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Well , we've had a pretty big development over the weekend in the area and distance department .

Ex and I were talkng about it last week and going over some choices I've had in mind.

And we both agreed the bigger town 30mins away would be a great place to live and still workable with my D. Not as good as 1o mins away but still close enough to buzz to and from anytime .
It's 30x the size of our local towns , I love that , properties about the same price, great shops , people range.
But the thing is , my D must of over heard us and while she's been over on the week end , brought it up about 4 times herself.
She loves the idea because she gets to come up when ever she wants and a break locally. Everything from all the take aways , movies , shops , beaches, places to go, hang out . 
She was really exited about it.
So there ya go , we could be onto a winner !


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