# Girlfriend's mother on the verge of homelessness



## Fallen Mind (Jan 23, 2013)

My girlfriend called me while she was at work, asking if her mother and little sister could live with us. This is completely stressful for me on so many levels. Here's my issues with the situation:

- Her mother recently won a settlement and received about $5000, which is completely gone after 2 months. She spent it on a smart phone and her daugther's $1500 camera. 

- She seems to always be on facebook posting statuses instead of looking for an actual job. 

- My girlfriend and I live in a 2 bedroom apartment. Her and I are in one room and our roomate is in the other. This is going to be more than just a tight squeeze and it's going to be completely uncomfortable and stressful.

- My girlfriend wont give me an exact estimate as to how long she will be here. She says a few weeks until she finds a job in Arizona. We currently live in California. This doesn't seem likely and I'm concerned "a few weeks" is going to turn into a few months.

- My girlfriend gets really frustrated thinking I'm being rude and selfish. She said if it was my family I would do it in a heart beat. In my head, I keep thinking "my parents wouldn't waste $5000 in 2 months". She also says that I shouldn't complain because she had to live with my family before we got an apartment. I reminded her that she moved in with my family because she was in a gang house and we wanted her to be in a safer environment. 

Am I rude, cold hearted and selfish for not wanting her mother here? Don't get me wrong I have a strong heart. I wouldn't wish that situation on anybody. I wouldn't even mind her little sister coming to stay with us because it's not that poor girl's fault. But I feel like her mother put herself in that situation and its her responsiblity. Plus, she wants to me tell our roomate. How do you explain that? I feel like her mother here will completely ruin our relationship and it will break us up. We have been together two and a half years. What should I do? Am I being selfish and mean here? Please...I need help!!!


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

You have a roommate. Use him to veto the move.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Fallen Mind said:


> My girlfriend called me while she was at work, asking if her mother and little sister could live with us. This is completely stressful for me on so many levels.


I quit reading here. Ain't no way 2 more people would ever ever come and live with me. It would be too stressful and I don't need a reason to say no. I'd just say "that won't work for me" and let that be the end of it.

As much as I'd love to save humanity my sanity is at stake. Their 'homelessness' isn't my problem.

Just say no. If you let them move in you may never get them out.


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## Fallen Mind (Jan 23, 2013)

Cdelta02 said:


> You have a roommate. Use him to veto the move.


So she can just get angry and move out?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Fallen Mind said:


> So she can just get angry and move out?


Who? The roommate or your girlfriend?

I'm assuming girlfriend. Yes so she can get angry and move out. Your place is too small for 5 people. I recently left a 3 bedroom apartment with 5 people and trust me it about made me insane and these were MY kids. LOL


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## Fallen Mind (Jan 23, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Who? The roommate or your girlfriend?
> 
> I'm assuming girlfriend. Yes so she can get angry and move out. Your place is too small for 5 people. I recently left a 3 bedroom apartment with 5 people and trust me it about made me insane and these were MY kids. LOL


She doesn't see this. I just see complete stress, anarchy, and a complete lack of privacy. Granted, I understand its her mom and she's worried for her well being. I completely understand that. But it's kind of blinding her from what 5 people in a 2 bedroom will look like.


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## BarelyThere (Dec 31, 2012)

No, that's too much to ask. And you need to talk to your roommate anyway - they have just as much say in this as you do. 

Offer to help run her to job searches or something, but don't let her move in. You already don't like the idea and say that it may split you up, so what happens then? You're forced to find a new place to live while all the girls cozy up in your apartment?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Well let's be clear here...she's not really asking you, she's telling you because she gets all pissy when you, rightly so, raise objections.

What about your roommate? Does he/she get a say in this?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Fallen Mind said:


> She doesn't see this. I just see complete stress, anarchy, and a complete lack of privacy. Granted, I understand its her mom and she's worried for her well being. I completely understand that. But it's kind of blinding her from what 5 people in a 2 bedroom will look like.


Then your job is to 'see it' for her.

Just say no. Agree to this and you will absolutely regret it. I guarantee it.

Here's a formula for saying "no".

Start with no - no this place is too small for 5 people.

Go to what you WILL do - I'll help your mom with a budget, I'll look over her resume, I'll look into a shelter for her, etc.

Move on to next time - next time when your mom gets a $5,000 settlement she might want to use it on rent instead of a $1,500 camera.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Give them a list of homeless shelters and a stack of job applications.

You're being practical. I don't know her mother or sister but they already sound like trouble. Or at least irresponsible with their time and money. You do not need that kind of stress placed on your living situation, your life, or your relationship.



> My girlfriend wont give me an exact estimate as to how long she will be here. She says a few weeks until she finds a job in Arizona. We currently live in California. This doesn't seem likely and I'm concerned "a few weeks" is going to turn into a few months.


That to me is a red flag right there. Ambiguous time frame with a nonspecific job search from a woman who is on the verge of homelessness. This is no Disney movie I'd want to watch.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

You probably can't legally move someone in without breaking the contract. I presume the roommate is paying rent or is on the lease along with you. I think your hands are tied.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Normally I would say family should take care of family. My mother took us in when we lost our house to foreclosure. Also, my brother took in his 40 year old step-daughter when she became homeless a couple of months ago. But, then mom and brother have the space.

You have a different situation. It's not entirely your decision. Your have a roommate that would have to agree to this. Where is the rest of this woman's family? Surely she must have siblings, parents, friends, etc. that would be in a better position to take on two more people.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Your lease will allow this?
If not, you could all end up homeless.

Anyhow, it's not doing them any favors. If they have a car, they can sleep in that. If the little sister is a minor, the mom is going to have to get her act together or lose the girl to foster care or other custody. Maybe that would be for the best, and it's what the mom is trying to accomplish by burning through the money, freedom from responsibility she feels overwhelmed by. It will be better for the mom is she learns that she can cope and meet her responsibilities, allowing her to move in shows that you think she's truly incompetent, even if that's what you think, show her some confidence, and say while you understand she's in a tight situation, you know she will use her creativity and intellect to come up with a solution that works, and that you don't want to ruin a good relationship (even if it isn't) with her by putting yourselves in a situation where there's going to be trouble (overcrowding, etc.)


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Thundarr said:


> You probably can't legally move someone in without breaking the contract. I presume the roommate is paying rent or is on the lease along with you. I think your hands are tied.


Nice! I totally agree an actual impossibility to do what your g/f asks is the easiest way to defer this issue a bit (besides being a fact of your tenancy). But, you will have to address this with your g/f from a values perspective.

I've been in a similar situation (relatives never wanted to move in, but did keep asking for help). I'd say you are absolutely right in suspecting her relatives will be difficult to move out. Also, you aren't doing them or yourselves any favors. You will just be enabling their poor choices, and at some point will have to revisit the living situation anyways (unless you resign yourself to pulling their weight indefinitely).

CAVEAT: If your g/f's sister is a minor, she really has no choice in the matter and I (in your situation) would consider some sort of limited assistance to make sure a child does not suffer.

The larger issue is what does your g/f's upbringing and behavior say about her value system and loyalties. She knows living with your family (where she was _invited_ in for her benefit) is not a similar situation, yet she is making childish arguments (and backhandedly insulting your family) to support her request.

Also, you need to understand this is her mom, and your g/f probably shares some of these bad traits. Your g/f's denial of the reality of this situation and debate style has a strong hint of denial and intent to do what works for her without worrying about others or long-term consequences, which is exactly the behavior that got her mom into this situation.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

First question - why is that sister not pawning that $1500 or selling that camera? Why is the mother not pawning that cell phone? These are not luxuries they can afford, and personally, those are the first things I'd be demanding before I did anything else. Letting them keep those items is just going to teach them that they can do as they please and other people will clean up the mess. They both sound selfish and irresponsible. 

As other posters pointed out - it's very likely against the terms of your lease to have five people living in a 4 bedroom. So - if you do this, and a neighbor rats you out, you might very well lose your home as well. 

Not to mention - how are you and the GF going to afford this without ending up homeless yourself? How are you going to feed and clothe these two extra people? What is your roommate going to feel about having to continue to pay half (or a third, whatever your arrangement is) of the rent while you have 4 people on your share? Are you going to be expected to pay their cell phone bills, for their haircuts, for their makeup? What kind of lifestyle are these women expecting when they've splurged themselves into the gutter?

Also - this woman is your GF, not your fiancee, not your wife - I'm not sure the seriousness of your relationship matches up with beginning to being responsible at this level for her relatives. And honestly - the writing is on the wall - she wants you to be responsible for her mother - this will likely be a theme throughout the rest of your relationship - is that something you'd want?

And speaking from experience, if you do this - your relationship is pretty much doomed. If your GF and her sister or mother (or as a bonus all three of them) get into disagreements, you'll get stuck in the middle. You might even get blamed. This woman is vastly irresponsible with money, and that is unlikely to change. You'll get saddled with her. She'll move in, and she'll likely never move out. That job will never materialize (why is she not working now?) or she'll go there and two weeks later she'll be back.


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## Repenting (Jan 7, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> honestly - the writing is on the wall - she wants you to be responsible for her mother - this will likely be a theme throughout the rest of your relationship - is that something you'd want?


THIS.

Your gf is revealing her values to you. 

If you are OK with being responsible for her mom for the rest of her life, then by all means go ahead and try to work this out. 

If you are not OK with that then you need to make that very clear now. While it would be easier to use the conditions of the lease, the roomate, etc. to make this a non-starter, that is just kicking the can down the road. There is a 99.9% chance that this issue will come up again. You need to be clear about where you stand on it NOW. If she leaves you because of it, then so be it - it means you have an irreconcilable difference in values and you should be thankful for finding that out _before_ marriage and kids. 

If she understands and stays with you then she will expect that response the next time and it will be less difficult. 

This is a critical junction in your relationship with your gf. Treat it as such.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She knows you don't want this. You told her this. Even so, she wants to go through with it. No more conversation is required.

Mommy is more important to her than you are. Now that you know that, what's your next step?


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

are you kidding?

no way in hell, a few weeks will easily turn into years

if i was in your postion i would tell her if they move in im moving out....so take your pick.....end of story


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Her mom is better off pawning all the gadgets she has to pay the bills. Don't enable this behavior. 
I would say its not fair to the roommate, the lease doesn't allow it, and how is she going to fund a job while living in another state? Employees aren't going to hire get with a CA address. 
She is better off findung other family to live with or going to a place that helps women who are homeless. She will get help funding a job, housing, food, etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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