# Asking about the details



## ltjohn (Apr 27, 2011)

So let me start with a little background. My wife had an Ea and a PA that lasted 2 and a half months. I found out almost 2 months ago. She says it started as an EA only, then became a PA. She has said they had sex 10 times. I'm not sure if I believe her or not. The OM is a cop, and leading up to D-day, he had been threatening me with arrest, saying he will see my wife no matter what, he even sent the cops to my work, accusing me of abusing my wife, which I never have. I had been suspecting an EA, but ever think a PA. On D-day, he had me arrested, after making false accusations,again. I spent 36 hours in jail 15 minutes after finding out about the affair, over the phone by my wife. I didn't even get to talk to my wife after finding out.

I have stayed with my wife, of 10 years, who is very remorseful. We are seeing a MC. I am slowly forgiving my wife, but am having an extremely hard time with the sex part. I can't stop the constant thoughts of her f*$#ing him. I have told her I want to know all the details of the sex. She has told me she has blocked it out, and doesn't remember much. But non the less has agreed to tell me what she remembers and answer my questions. I know there are mixed thoughts on knowing, but I can't move forward with out knowing. 

My question to all of you, specifically those who have asked for details of the PA, is what questions do I ask? What questions did you ask of the PA? Do you regret asking, was it worse than you thought? Better? Thank you in advance, forgive me for any mistakes, this is my first post, be gentle on me.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

First of all, you need not feel threatened because OM is a cop. What he's doing is completely unethical and is abusing his authority under the color of his badge. You need to file a formal complaint with his police department by going thru internal affairs. You need to document the times and dates that he threatened you with arrest and the dates and times of the false accusations. Internal Affairs will strip him of his badge so fast his will swim.

As for details, its hard to say. If you're the type of person that has to have the details, then you must also steel yourself when you actually get them. It may even make the *mind movies* worse.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Right now the OM presents a bigger threat and you and your wife need to deal with him. His attack on you could be a cover up for possibly raping your wife. Some cops have done this, been exposed and prosecuted. Ask your wife if he coerced her for sex and if so the two of you file charges against him. This psycho cop needs to be stopped before he does this again to another couple. Don't let this slide.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

morituri said:


> Right now the OM presents a bigger threat and you and your wife need to deal with him. His attack on you could be a cover up for possibly raping your wife. Some cops have done this, been exposed and prosecuted. Ask your wife if he coerced her for sex and if so the two of you file charges against him. This psycho cop needs to be stopped before he does this again to another couple. Don't let this slide.


Exactly! Some cops think they can get away with anything just because they have a badge and a gun. This guy needs to be stopped. He is a disgrace to the uniform and doesn't deserve to have his badge.


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

Sorry for your situation ltjohn. The insult added to injury is just too much. You're a better man than I am. I don't know how I would take the situation.
As far as the details go. Your wife hasn't blocked them out, she doesn't want to tell you. As far as how bad it was or wasn't : Know that she did everything with him that she ever did with you. She probably enjoyed it more than she did with you because it was exciting and new with him. She doesn't want to tell you that. This hurts, I know.
My wife gave me some details. His wife gave me others that she had gotten from, him. I'd lie in bed looking at her and just know where her mouth had been. I once told her that I knew she'd done everything she had with me with him. She told me that they never used toys together. This was just after I had found a new vibrator in the Box O' Joy. I asked her about it after she told me that, and she said she bought it to use with him but never got the chance. She's having to use it alone right now.
I'm not telling you this to hurt you by any means. I just don't want you to have to deal with false hope. It's as bad as you thought. The accusations of abuse probably came from her. People don't tend to have affairs and tell the other cheater that their spouse is a great person. They have to justify what they're doing in some way, and the loyal spouse's faults, whether real or imagined, are the most often used excuse.

Go into this with open eyes. I'm not saying that your wife is a bad person. She made a mistake. There was something that took her to that point. The two of you will have to find out what that is. The details of the affair, no matter how bad they are and no matter how large they seem, are the least of your worries right now. 

Good luck, and peace be on you.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

First off, it sounds like her blocking the details is probably just a comfort thing. You don't normally block things that you do ten times of your own volition. Afterwards, when she felt intense guilt, she began to seperate herself from the guilt, which will, in my opinion, help her feel less remorse going into a future affair when whatever stimulus in your relationship that led to the affair occurs again. I'm speaking as one who has blocked very traumatic events in the past, but I'm not an expert.

Secondly, if you go to internal affairs, it is your word against the cop and his buddies who are already invested in covering his back in life and death situations. Your wife needs to proactively collaborate with internal affairs on your behalf. Guess what? If you let her off without any 'discomfort', then you can't really blame her the next time she cheats.

Lastly, if you let her off, you've completely become her doormat, and she has the upper hand. It's sad, because you are the victim here.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Halien is right. There needs to be real contrition on her part. I personally would dump her. If you just allow her to rug sweep, she will be back screwing around behind your back. She will do it again, because she has/will lose respect for you.


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## heartbroken1957 (Apr 8, 2011)

I'm with the others on something is fishy here. #1 talk with your MC by yourself and ask them the questions you asked here. Plus make sure to voice the fact that you wonder if the OM was or was not up to snuff. 
If the MC talks individually to your wife, things will come out and eventually your Wife will be able to tell you some details. 
It bothered me too what my H did with the OW but I had to let it go or it would consume me. One way I looked at it was my H had been with other women prior to me and I didn't need details of them, so I had to push these details away. You are still fresh into trying to repair so many things will trip you up. 
If you love her and she loves you, and you both want to repair and forgive, fight for it. In time honesty and your love for each other will finish this. Whether you remain together or not, you must struggle on toward repair in order to survive.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Halien said:


> Secondly, if you go to internal affairs, it is your word against the cop and his buddies who are already invested in covering his back in life and death situations. Your wife needs to proactively collaborate with internal affairs on your behalf. Guess what? If you let her off without any 'discomfort', then you can't really blame her the next time she cheats.


If the police department has any integrity at all, Internal Affairs conducts and investigation on all formal complaints to see if the complaint is unfounded or not. Cops, when faced with the spectre of being involved in an Internal Affairs investigation will not risk their career to cover for a buddys affair. Covering and backing each other up on the street is one thing, lying and getting dragged down because of a buddy's affair is quite another. But yes, it would help immensely if the wife backs it up.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Wow. They all deserve one another. Dump her. Then call the state's AG about the cop and press charges. Go to the US DoJ if you have to.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ltjohn said:


> I have told her I want to know all the details of the sex. She has told me she has blocked it out, and doesn't remember much.


She remembers, she just doesn't want to tell you as a protective measure. Because she knows what is likely to come from that. And it's not good.



ltjohn said:


> My question to all of you, specifically those who have asked for details of the PA, is what questions do I ask? What questions did you ask of the PA? Do you regret asking, was it worse than you thought?


As someone who just **HAD** to know the details and asked very detailed questions and got very detailed answers, I can tell you, with 100% certainty, I wish I never did. Because see, you already have pictures in your mind of what happened... KNOWING what actually went down is way worse, IMO. Cause then the pics are more real. I personally know my life would me much better off w/o knowing she gave him a bl-w job and many other intimate details that I just HAAAD to know. Eventually there came a point in that conversation where he told me to "Stop! Stop! Why are you doing this?" And I think in that moment he realized how much it was going to f-ck me up in the head after exposing every detail but it was too late. I'd already asked and he had already told. What's funny and ironic is later I asked him, "What's her name... wait a minute, DON'T tell me her name I swear to goodness- don't say her name!"

I later found out the name but he waffled "Yes/no/maybe." Still denies it to this day. Anytime I hear the name now, it's a trigger. There is someone on TAM who has her same name and year she was born in her handle. It makes me feel ill.

So if you really want to know, go right ahead - but I am telling you, it is going to destroy you way more than you already are. Promise. It will break something inside you. Something precious, that you unfortunately, will never recover from. At least that has been my experience.


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## ltjohn (Apr 27, 2011)

Thanks for the advice guys. I have filed a formal complaint with his department. He is actually very hated there, he was forced to transfer to this poh-dunk department because of previous actions with other cops wives. Hopefully this horrible cop is fired, and moves. I absolutely hate this guy, and i'm not sure what I'd do if I ran in to him.

As far as details go, still haven't got them yet. She said she would talk last night, but then she was too tired. How convenient. I hope it's less worse than I imagine, I'm not sure if I can handle some worse news. She has told me I'm a better lover, and that he wasn't that good, but I'm not sure what to believe. If i was better, why wasn't she having sex with me, why so many times with him? Ugh....not sure what, if anything from her is the truth.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Are you sure you really want to know???


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

ltjohn said:


> Thanks for the advice guys. I have filed a formal complaint with his department. He is actually very hated there, he was forced to transfer to this poh-dunk department because of previous actions with other cops wives. Hopefully this horrible cop is fired, and moves. I absolutely hate this guy, and i'm not sure what I'd do if I ran in to him.


Don't be stupid and do something you'll regret later. Keep pursuing the matter because a false arrest is no laughing matter and can have negative consequences when looking for employment. File a lawsuit if you need to in order to have those charges dropped and your record cleared.



> As far as details go, still haven't got them yet. She said she would talk last night, but then she was too tired. How convenient. I hope it's less worse than I imagine, I'm not sure if I can handle some worse news. She has told me I'm a better lover, and that he wasn't that good, but I'm not sure what to believe. If i was better, why wasn't she having sex with me, why so many times with him? Ugh....not sure what, if anything from her is the truth.


Ego and the thrill of doing something forbidden is what drives a lot of cheating spouses to continue having sex with their lovers. They can make what normally would be bad or mediocre sex into an exciting encounter. So in that respect she may be right.

As far as wanting to know the gory details is concerned, be very careful what you ask for. I found out the gory details of my XW's sexual f*ckf*st with the OM via graphic emails and pictures on our computer. To say I was devastated is an understatement and I often wished I had not read and viewed everything that I found. It made reconciliation with my then W impossible and put the nail on the coffin of our marriage so to speak. It didn't matter how much sobbing, pleading to me and self injury to herself my XW did, I could not look at her with the same eyes as before I found out. The old saying 'be careful what you wish for, you just might get it' is very true, in spades.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I had to know everything. I asked for extreme detail. I never did get the level of detail I wanted because my wife also claimed to have blocked it all out. She claimed that her head was in a different place and could not remember those details. I think that is odd because it was not long ago and I can remember common everyday details about how I spent those days....So its probably a lie to protect me...or she does not want to revisit those things in her head.

I guess it depends on what you want to know. She should answer any questions you have. But she may not.

I will tell you this....its been 6 month since my d-day and I still wish I had gotten more details. If you do not find out what you need to know now it will continue to haunt you.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

When my husband's affair came to the surface, I wanted the details too. Not the sexual details but as in the how, where and why details of how the affair even came about. I know my husband had sex with another woman and that thought alone kills me. I would not want the dirty details of what positions they may have done it in. But I did want the other details. Who came onto who? Why did you allow it to happen? How long has it been happening now? It's questions like that I wanted to know the answer too. But, I also wanted to stick up for the cops too. Not all are bad. I'm sorry for what the cop in your case did. I hope he gets what he deserves but please don't think bad of all cops. My old boyfriend is a cop and he is a great guy. Since I am now separated and going through a with a divorce, I have kind of started talking to him again. He understands that I am still legally married and he will not see me in person until the divorce is final. He has morals and ethics. In the end, I think you should avoid wanting to know the sex details. That will cause you more grief than you are already feeling.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hers what I did with my cheating wife that slept with 20 guys for the last 13 years.
In the morning I asked one question and wanted that one question answered in the evening. 

Started off slow and wasn't judgmental just listened, no anger no nothing just a matter a fact if you will. See this made her more comfortable talking.

I wnet on with this for days and the more comfortable she got the more questions I got answered.

Remember to let her know that this is needed for you to heal and the imagination is worse then the BJs she gave. 

I had to know everything...I mean was there circus clowns or orgies even sizes, but that was just me. 

The hard one that she had the most difficult time with were the ONS, there was alot of booze involved but she filled in the blanks the best she could.

The one she has the hardest time talking about and has been very vage is the "good friend" she slepth with. It seems this one was the most painful one for her to ta;k about.

So you will need alot of patiants and understanding b/c she has done a horrible thing and she knows it. My W also has blocked out alot but she understands this is something I need to move forward.

Thats the thing...get it all out and be done with it. I stopped asking after a few months, but those 1st few were crazy. she was in a very dangerous place and I saved her.

Man the things she told me were nuts. I felt I had to stop for my own good. After a while it just gets to a point when you let it go..it stop being about the lttle details and the bottom line is it happened. The big ugly picture is it just happened and the acts them selves seemed to fade. The this guy and that guy, the weres and whens just stop mattering and the general idea of what my wife was capable of and the general idea that it happened is more previlent then the multidude of times and the many different ways it happened.

Wells it all out there now and there is no reason to bring up the details. Granted she is now so comfortable...once in a while she will tell me a story about a certain guy. Mostly the one that she stayed with for long periods of time. I quess the good one for her. She stays away from the bad ones the ugly and dark ones that make her feel cheap. Go figure.


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## ltjohn (Apr 27, 2011)

Thanks guys and gals. I'm slowly taking all this in. I am for sure one of those who needs to know. Honestly, I'm not sure what will happen between us. I feel by her not giving the details, that I may stay with her, as opposed to having the details and moving on w/o her. I don't think it's fare she gets to hold all the cards. I love her very much, and have 2 beautiful young daughters. It would not be fare for any of us to stay in an unhappy marriage. I don't want to look at my wife and feel nothing for her. I also don't want to wake up everyday and not be able to forgive or forget.
Sorry it's taking so long for me to reply, I work for an EMS/fire agency, and work 24 hour shifts. Which totally made it easier for her to continue her EA/PA for so long. Thanks again for all your replies.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

ltjohn I would not want to know the details of the sexual side, from my own experience if I was hoping to save my relationship.

You already will have ideas and pictures in your head, and that is bad enough. For me when we were making love afterwards, I would suddenly have a thought about it flash into my head, and then it was pointless carrying on. If I had graphic details it would have been a whole lot worse I think.

For a man I think this would be difficult to 'perform' up to scratch with all this detail. Just my thoughts.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> If the police department has any integrity at all, Internal Affairs conducts and investigation on all formal complaints to see if the complaint is unfounded or not. Cops, when faced with the spectre of being involved in an Internal Affairs investigation will not risk their career to cover for a buddys affair. Covering and backing each other up on the street is one thing, lying and getting dragged down because of a buddy's affair is quite another. But yes, it would help immensely if the wife backs it up.


 I worked in internal affairs in a private defense firm right out of college. We were the "cops" for a US base on foreign soil. Not the same as a government internal affairs, I'm sure but there are rules to an investigation. The wife was the reason the cop went after him. Either she fed him bad info, or she refused to tell him that he was wrong the next time he was having sex with her. I doubt she was ignorant of her own husband being harassed by the cops. No decent investigation can resolve a "he said/she said" complaint without the source of the cop's supposed information making a statement. Unless she does it of her own initiative, there will be doubt about whether she was coerced by the husband. The cop only has to say that she told him that her husband was a jerk, and then began to cry ... and one thing led to another after her boobs fell out of the blouse.

I should have made this more clear on the first post, but most of us assume that the cop was just being a bad cop. He could've been convinced from her that the husband was being a jerk, so they crossed the line together. That's the thing the OP maybe hasn't come to grips with - did she know what was happening to him from this cop?


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

In my case I wish I had never asked. As someone else posted it gives the mind movies a whole new life, depth and clarity that makes me want to heave.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

To the OP, sorry for the threadjack.



Halien said:


> I worked in internal affairs in a private defense firm right out of college. We were the "cops" for a US base on foreign soil. Not the same as a government internal affairs, I'm sure but there are rules to an investigation. The wife was the reason the cop went after him. Either she fed him bad info, or she refused to tell him that he was wrong the next time he was having sex with her. I doubt she was ignorant of her own husband being harassed by the cops. No decent investigation can resolve a "he said/she said" complaint without the source of the cop's supposed information making a statement. Unless she does it of her own initiative, there will be doubt about whether she was coerced by the husband. The cop only has to say that she told him that her husband was a jerk, and then began to cry ... and one thing led to another after her boobs fell out of the blouse.
> 
> I should have made this more clear on the first post, but most of us assume that the cop was just being a bad cop. He could've been convinced from her that the husband was being a jerk, so they crossed the line together. That's the thing the OP maybe hasn't come to grips with - did she know what was happening to him from this cop?


It doesn't matter whether or not his wife/husband was feeding inacurrate info, cops deals with some of that on just about every DV call they go to. He already compromised himself because he has having a *sexual relationship with the "victim", *who is the wife of the suspect. One thing led to another after her boobs fell out of her blouse? Wow, he is already in the wrong there. They both *crossed the line *together? That's 2 instances of misconduct right there if I were an IA investigator. This is not a he said/she said situation, especially when the cop in question is having an illicit affair with the wife of the alleged suspect. Of course IA will ask for proof of the affair, and when the OP provides it, the case is clear.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You know, as much graphic detail as I got, I am sure that was just the tip of the iceberg. It was prob way worse. ICk.


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## ltjohn (Apr 27, 2011)

Again thanks everyone. So to make this a little clearer. First off, the OM came into our lives under false pretense. He initially introduced himself as a family member. He is actually my wife's 2nd cousin. He slowly infiltrated our lives. My wife says at that time she was lonely. I was forced to work mandatory overtime, and was gone for 3 days at a time.
Initially when I told her this cop was harassing me, she didn't believe it. She had asked the OM if he was, and of course he denied it, and she believed him. Following the end of the affair, it became more clear as to what the OM was doing to me. She says she never told him I abused her. The police investigating his complaints actually contacted her, and she denied abuse.
I think the OM did all this trying to steal my wife from me. He told her he wanted her, and for her to leave me. She refused to leave and it angered him. He had taken divorce papers to my wife and demanded she fill them out.
This OM is on a mission to get me in jail, and away from my wife. Not only has he made false claims, But he has pulled me over, for no reason, he's sent me pictures of guns, called me, inviting me out to go shoot with him at midnight. I told all this to the IA investigator. Also, he picked my wife up one time in his patrol car, and drove her around for several hours very late at night.
This OM, from reports from co-workers, has had multiple affairs with co-workers' spouses. That is why he has been relocated to this tiny department. His co-workers have even stated they hope he is fired. Also, they say there are rumors of him being bi-sexual, and screwing some new guy at work. I forgot to mention, during this affair, he was married, and when he thought he had a chance to be with my wife, he left his wife. This guy is seriously messed up, the first time he tried to sleep with her, she said no, and asked him to leave. Afterwards, he went outside and punched his car window, breaking his hand. He spent the next 6 weeks off of work. He's been suspended before for a prescription drug addiction, so I hope this is the final straw for him, and they terminate his ass! Sorry I'm rambling, now I'm just venting. Thanks for listning.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Only been suspended... for all this ****?!?! Honestly, I can't wrap my head around how these people are even entitled to hold a firearm in the name of protecting the public. If I were you, I'd totally go after him, not just for the affair, but for being a monster with a badge. Your wife needs to come forward about his his abuse of authority in order to REALLY bring him down!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Have you talked to an attorney to see if a lawsuit can be brought against the city or town that gave this human garbage a job? Seeing how many of his co-workers hate his guts, it shouldn't be that difficult to make life miserable for those in charge of hiring and firing. Go for the political jugular of those above him and this scum**g will be history.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that he'll never tell me. I'm the kinda person that needs to know but, I guess if I want us to move forward I can't look back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You need to go to the mayor, of the city he works for, and tell him, what's going on, and if something is not done---you will file suit agst. the city----The D. A., should also be brought in on this.

Also you probably should get a R. O, agst this guy going near any member of your family

Then you go after him, for Abuse of Process, and Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress

You file the 2 tort actions---he will have one month to answer, or he loses by default---somehow i think he will be very willing to disappear, or settle up---one way or the other

As to getting him criminally---that would be your best come back, for can't you just picture a cop in the general population of a prison

You have lots of things you can do---you just have to do them

As to knowing or not knowing---some betrayed's will never heal unless they know everything from beginning to end, down to the tiniest detail-----on the other hand some, don't want to know anything----bottom line you sound like you need to know, and you don't want anything left to your imagination---so just keep on pushing----How hard you can go after her---only you know the answer to that question----just don't let her slide anything under the rug

She knew what she was doing, and she knew you were being hurt in many ways, and didn't do anything to stop it, and that in of itself, is gonna stay with you for a long time, if not forever


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I'd consider a tort claim as well. That will get his employer's attention. 

I am with you, I would need the details no matter how bad, in order to start truly healing. I would flat out explain this to her and ask if she wants to help you understand and move forward. 

Just so I understand, you let your wife know he was harassing you begore the affair started and she still slept with him??? You cannot afford to be her doormat. Apparently that is how she already viewed you. This is not intended to be harsh. Good luck.


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## ltjohn (Apr 27, 2011)

Thanks everyone. So...she finally sat down and talked to me, sorta. She really didn't tell me anything. She basically said, we slept together 8-10 times, she never gave oral, and they did it on the floor in front of our bed, cause the bed was sacred. (what ever) She says she don't remember much else, and that she's blocked it out. She said that he wasn't a good lover, and that I'm better. She says it was new and exciting at first, then became weird. I don't know what to believe. If I was a better lover, than why continue to sleep with him? If she had sex with him 10 times, don't ya think she'd remember some things?
As for everything else, I'm currently talking to a lawyer, to see my options. Me and the Mrs. are working things out, I just wish I had all the details. That would make me more comfortable. I think with her not recalling them, it makes me think she's hiding stuff, or as some have said, omission lies.
I go to court Thursday for the bulls**t lies from the OM. I'm going to tell the court to pound sand on their offer. I rather take it to trial, and have this a**hole testify, and bury himself. Any jury to hear this story would cringe and side for me. I'll take my chances with that. Well, I keep everyone posted as to what happens next, thanks to everyone for their support.


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## VLR (May 15, 2011)

Wow! It's easier for me to say than for you to do, but that is way too much to ask a guy to process through. You should go far away, leave her behind and then have an attorney contact the police dept for you. 

Maybe you weren't a very good husband, but even so, she is a long way from earning the right to continue as your wife.


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## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

so because of your wife, you got that dude sleeping with her 10 times in your bedroom, and because of her also you got arrested and ruined your reputation. and you still tell you love her and missing the details. 
you should have answered your own questions by now. why did she sleep with him 10 times? 
this man could have worked with your wife to shoot you and get rid of your body then your two girls became fatherless. 
you should have left your wife and took your kids with you.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

ltjohn said:


> She says it was new and exciting at first, then became weird.


This is exactly the same thing that my ex-W told me with regards to her affair.



> If I was a better lover, than why continue to sleep with him? If she had sex with him 10 times, don't ya think she'd remember some things


Some women are so messed up that trying to understand them is an exercise in futility. Is your wife going to IC (individual counseling) to find out why she allowed herself to betray you?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

That pre-trial should have happened on May 20th. Any updates?


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## waterbased2000 (Mar 3, 2011)

A word of caution regarding details - as much as you THINK you want to know everything, I can tell you that you probably don't. You have to ask yourself - am I going to stay in this marriage and work things out? If so, then ask yourself - what detail do I not know that woud alter that plan if I found out? If you can't answer that question, then don't ask the details. My spouse cheated on me and told me they did it three times. I suspect they did it more, but what is the difference? Whether they did it 1 time or a 100 times, they cheated. Every time I want to ask my spouse a question I ask myself - will the answer to my question change my decision to stay? If the answer is no - then don't ask it. 

To be honest - she is NEVER going to tell you the absolute truth on the number of times, whether it was good or not, where they did it, etc. She is going to lie in order not to hurt you. On some levels I get that. She said that you were the better lover. That made you feel better. What would you have done or said if she said the other person was better than you? It would hurt you to your core and you would probably NEVER recover from it. You need to understand that you will never get truthful answers to all of your questions, and knowing details just helps to complete the picture in your mind. Not a good thing in my opinion. She will always lie to some degree to protect your feelings. She hurt you, she knows that. Why make it worse by telling you all the steamy details of what they did, how long it lasted, how many orgasms, etc. 

If you love her and want to make it work, quit asking. You can't say - I will stay if they had sex 3 times but leave if it was 10 times. What difference does it make??? She CHEATED!! Once was bad enough and you have every right legally and religiously to leave. So ONLY ask for details if it affects your decision to stay or leave.


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## ltjohn (Apr 27, 2011)

sorry, has been a hectic month. So the pre trial went well, the city attorney basically dropped the charges, so that is a relief. the wife and I are doing OK, its been less than 3 months since d-day. some days are good, others just plain suck! We have a week long camping trip with the kids next week, which I'm on the fence about, but I also think it will help us bond as a family. The wife has said she told me everything, which contained very little details. Just basic stuff, we kissed, had sex, here, and over there, we went here, we didn't do this and that stuff. She still says she don't remember. She says the OM was making her drink alot, and was giving her strange pills. I'm not sure what to believe, but like someone said, without the details, how do i know what im forgiving. The OM has backed off...at least for now. We'll see how that goes, but either way I'm on a mission to get his ass fired. Ill let ya know what happens there. Thx for all the great posts, it helps to talk to others who have been through hell also...unfortunately.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

ITjohn - don't go into minute detials, it's not worth it. You know the basics and that's all you need. You BOTH need to understand the why and your wife needs to do a lot self exam to find out what made her vulnerable. Skip the gory details. Good luck.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I can personally vouch with the last two posters about the gory details not being worth it. In my case I found actual pics and videos of my XW with her f**ker. They totally decimated me and made it impossible for me to even reconsider reconciliation no matter how much hysterical pleading and crying that came from my then wife for me to forgive her.

Granted that everybody is different, but unless you have a very strong emotional constitution, insisting on the gory details of your wife's rendezvous with the OM, may end up doing you more harm than good.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

One thing our MC advised us regarding questions. He asked my wife what was the comfortable way for ehr answer questions regarding the A. She said write them down and give her time to think. That it was too confrontation when I asked directly and she had a hard time thinking clearly. She promised to be honest in her response and not use the time to make something up - one of my fears. It seems to work very well for both of us because it gives me a chance to clearly define what I need to know without digging too deep - the gory details aren't necessary and only add more triggers.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

The cop thing sounds very scary. Hope it works out and this guy is removed from serving the public. 

Your other issue, I can relate w a bit, as I don't care to know the all the details of sex, I cant get through the imagines of, say he on top and in my mind eye , I feel like he is f***ing her instead of me. And in my mind, knowing the penis that is there now, was in her. UGh !!!!! I cant get past the touch thing....

~sammy


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