# not your mother or your ex wife



## tryingtochange (Jun 4, 2013)

So after 20 years of marriage my hubby asked why can I not let loose and just have fun....and we have been going thru a lot lately due to empty nesting and I finally figure it out he wanted this perfect wife and the perfect mom to his children and I have spent the last 20 tears doing this now I don't know what to do with my self I told Jim the other night the amount of pressure he put on my head to be everything that his mother and ex wife was not...and it was so draining that I never was able to just have fun...now that I have told him he has said nothing and I freaking want validation that he did this there is so much resentment in my heart right now that its hard to breathe and I even told him I have more fun and let loose when he is not around because there is no judgement but now we sit and say nothing to each other not sure if its from him feeling guilty or him being in denial either way its waiting me alive
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Do you feel you are a better person when you're not around him? Its probably time for some MC. Maybe you could suggest that to him. When kids leave the nest it is hard. I would think it would be especially hard for the mothers. Have things always been like this, or just recently since the kids left?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

So you haven't been yourself all of these years and instead acting like what you figured someone else wanted? Sorry but it sounds like this one is on you. You basically played a part. Now one part isn't necessary (perfect mother). When were you planning to be a perfect you? Don't throw it all away - you probably need to try some new hobbies. I know trying to go back to things I used to like didn't work for me after my divorce. I was different so I needed to figure out what I like NOW. Just take notice of the things you truly enjoy and figure out how to translate that to new hobbies or even a part time job. If you liked raising children so much, maybe you need to babysit or volunteer at a school or library. If you are interested in the arts take a class to see what medium suits you. Be an interesting person. And you don't have to be as reliable and regimental as you once were with kids in the house. Everything doesn't have to be done by a certain time or in a certain way.


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## tryingtochange (Jun 4, 2013)

yes I agree part of it was my fault too. And no we have honestly never had any problems until now...yes i call hm peter pan cause i deal with most important stuff..but he has made an effort to change over and he has taken on alot more responsbilites but this has all boiled to the surface cause he said i need to let loose more and its hard to when you have been in a half self made box


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## Vorlon (Sep 13, 2012)

I am the husband in a similar situation as you and yours. I did not have a ex wife but ex GF not the same but similar residual impacts and feelings. 

I don't have an answer for you but am trying to relate and possibly give you the other side so that you and your husband can move in a healthy direction. 

My wife was great both as a wife and mother. Not perfect but nobody is perfect especially me. We have been married for 27 yrs. Last child moving out any day. My wife is facing some of what your are describing. Everything from the kids not living up to her expectations to her feeling worthless and having no purpose. She was a SAHM by choice. She supported me and the kids. She has struggled with depression and recently lost her mom. She doesn't make friends easily and we moved around for over 20 years for my job. She does work out a lot (We do it together) and I encourage her to get her hair and face done monthly. We live on my income. We have date night weekly and I do help out at home. She has fur coats, jewelry of every type: expensive rings, bracelets, watches, necklaces and earrings, drives a Land Rover and I like buying her new shoes and coats. I organize and pay for concerts and this year we are going on two vacations (Vegas & Colorado Sking) 

My wife does at times feel resentful. She feels she has given everything and has not gotten an appropriate amount in return. She is lonely and has no friends. She has low self esteem. She feels she has no skills and is in awe of educated people (I have a PhD). The truth is she did a great job with the kids (all 4 have Learning Disabilities and all 4 graduated HS and 3 will end up with degrees). She is slim and trim and I find her very attractive and a great lover. We are best friends and I think she is one of the smartest people I know. Her brain and tongue work twice as fast as mine. We have moved more than 10 times, we have bought and sold houses and the stress that entails. We have lost relatives to illness and death and she has handled them like a champ. Being the rock for everyone else. Yet she feels worthless. 

As her husband I have tried to respond to her wishes and desires but she wouldn't express them because she didn't feel she was worthy. She would then resent me and others because they weren't fulfilled. In the last few years I have worked hard at trying to be more attentive to her needs expressed or not. I don't say this to imply poor me but to illustrate that even in a good marriage which I believe we have things can be very difficult to work through. 

I suggest you work at finding common interests and take care of yourselves both physically and emotionally. Get off the couch in the evenings and go for walks and bike rides. Explore life as a couple. Have an affair with your husband. Get involved in volunteer activity's. Bring new and interesting topics of conversation to the table so that you are not rehashing the same topics or grievances.

I often feel like my wife has this list of every slight, misdeed, selfish act, thought or action I have ever done from even before we married. It doesn't matter if I was at fault or not only that she felt that way. I understand that is just a women and I do my best to be understanding and let it go but it is one of those characteristics I truly struggle with. Its like she always has a trump card no matter the issue. She can be dead wrong but then pull out the list and here we go again. Any concern or issue I have is then swept under the title wave of our entire history together. 

I am sure you have a long list of hurts that you feel your husband is responsible for and he needs to know how you feel. That is true but once you have aired them its up to you to let them go.
Rehashing old wounds is demoralizing for the both of you. Truthfully apologize and forgive each other. Not for the other as much as for you and your relationship. 

Marriage is tough and issues are not easy in good and bad marriages but try to work with your husband. He sounds like he is trying. Many a marriage ends because one partner or both never see any thing ever getting better. They can't envision being happy anymore with that person. It takes work, patience and love. Yes you can recapture or better yet create a new relationship based on who you have both grown into. 

Good luck and I hope this was in some way helpful to you.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Great post, Vorlon!


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## tryingtochange (Jun 4, 2013)

Wow Vorlon that was amazing...and it is alot of how I feel cause we did put him thru school and I don t have anything past alittle college. We are trying and like tonight for instance I was angry and resentful and wrote all my feelings down...then instead of doing that I came home went straight to my room and simply said i don t have anything constructive to say right now so please give me some space. Which he did and once I sat and though about it it was all old stiff...learing to leave the past in the past...not easy but attempting. But seeing a mans perspective help alot thank you for taking the time. Honestly she needs to find herself which is what i am trying to do and its not easy she has to start by exploring different hobbies. Good Luck! and Thank you!


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

I can only speak for myself to hopefully give you another male perspective.

Now unfortunately I'm going to speak from experience in a failed marriage...but the failure wasn't due to this part.

My ex-wife was a stay at home mom while I worked and was building up my career. She was resentful of me because I was at work, talking with adults while the entirety of her daily interactions were with a 3 and 1 year old. I NEVER looked at my successes etc at work as "look what I did". It was "Look what I did for my family." 

Trying to take care of my family the best I could was my driving factor. She drove the nicer bigger car, she got the new things etc. because I wanted to make sure she and my children were taken care of. PS I HATED my job, but it paid well so I suffered through the sh!t storm of my job to give her the best I could.

So as much as you might be glorifying your husband's situation, just check to see if he's actually getting the good sides of it that you think. I would've traded spots with my ex in a HEARTBEAT to stay at home and raise my kids while she turmoiled at a miserable job.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

tryingtochange said:


> Wow Vorlon that was amazing...and it is alot of how I feel cause we did put him thru school and I don t have anything past alittle college. We are trying and like tonight for instance I was angry and resentful and wrote all my feelings down...then instead of doing that I came home went straight to my room and simply said i don t have anything constructive to say right now so please give me some space. Which he did and once I sat and though about it it was all old stiff...learing to leave the past in the past...not easy but attempting. But seeing a mans perspective help alot thank you for taking the time. Honestly she needs to find herself which is what i am trying to do and its not easy she has to start by exploring different hobbies. Good Luck! and Thank you!


So why dont you go back to school now? You are never too old to get that education. It could be a whole new world for you.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I think all these scenarios are cut from the same cloth...being that most men seek to be great providers for the family...and we express our love and commitment by the hard, long hours at the job. It is a joy for such men to not only provide...but create a comfortable living standard as well.
On the flipside...however...some have noted changes wrought on society concerning the hardworking father/husband that is often absent in the family unit. "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenence" a unique philosophical book...asserts that society as it relates to the commuting father...is such a modern twist in the human social bond...that we are only seeing several generations into what effects are generated when a father is so frequently away from home...since all of human history before...men worked in trades and areas where the nuclear family was often involved...and a man's trade became his sons' trade through apprenticeship and lifelong mentoring.
My dad's father was a travelling business exec...had even plaques from an airline something about million mile threshold. Only home on weekend...drank. My father was in the Navy...frequently gone...and also long periods of absence when on a cruise or longterm westpac (6 mos.) He had certs of being in the "Order of Magellan", having circumnavigated the globe on ship. Great accomplishments...great respect...as well as providing for family. BUt when home...has very little left for family. Whenever my mom complained about he not engaging in the family, drinking too much, or spending too much...he usually asserted his title as provider...that was his SOLE role in the family...and wanted that to be respected, much in the way his father wanted the same thing. I'm surprised my mom never cheated on him...but then again, she is very devoted to God.
I guess it is important to say that providing for one's family does deserve respect...but there are going to be relational pieces missing...and some slow-building resentments from the stay at home spouse when the working spouse slays himself in the spirit of providing for the family...leaving no energy to give emotionally. Gifts will only seem like reminders of your absence...totems unto the career gods. Exchanges will only feel like a "fix it" session where stay at home spouse is persuaded to not have their feelings of lonliness, abandonment, and lack of marital connection validated. Soon they won't bother sharing anything...slowly seething in passive aggression. Careers will be what they will be...and prolly can't be changed...but there MUST be connections made...even when working spouse is exhausted...or else SAHS will disconnect...find other attacments. You know the songs "Cats in the Cradle"? not will that only happen to one's kids...but also in the marriage.

*Cats in the Cradle...Harry Chapin*
My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talkin' 'fore I knew it, and as he grew
He'd say "I'm gonna be like you dad
You know I'm gonna be like you"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home dad?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

My son turned ten just the other day
He said, "Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on let's play
Can you teach me to throw", I said "Not today
I got a lot to do", he said, "That's ok"
And he walked away but his smile never dimmed
And said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know I'm gonna be like him"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

Well, he came home from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
"Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?"
He shook his head and said with a smile
"What I'd really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later, can I have them please?"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

I've long since retired, my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind"
He said, "I'd love to, Dad, if I can find the time
You see my new job's a hassle and kids have the flu
But it's sure nice talking to you, Dad
It's been sure nice talking to you"

And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then


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## Vorlon (Sep 13, 2012)

Oh God that song haunted me. My father died when I was 8 years old. My mother raised me and never remarried. I was an only child too. 

I swore I would not be that father in the song. So I coached the boys and the girls in sports until they all reached High School. I sacrificed career goals to be home most nights in time for dinner. We ate as a family 6-7 days a week. I did my best and we are a pretty close family even if we are spread out over the east coast. 

Could I have done better? Well yes but I did do my best to be there for each of them. That's all anyone can do is there best. There is no manual to raising your kids or mkaing your marriage work.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I think it is on each of us to "find" ourselves...and find our happiness/contentment. 

Especially after listening to these husbands' stories, the gist of which says that they did their part.... it is up to the wives to face this change/milestone in their life and figure out what they need it to look like. Without blaming anyone for their own negative feelings. If you have a good, even just decent marriage...then you should understand that there is no place for blame. 

Do what you love. Try different things. Like someone else said... date your husband. You each have grown over the years, focusing on family.... now is the time to really SEE each other and take the time to ENJOY each other. 

You've done your job... now it's YOUR TURN. 

Get individual counseling if you can't get over the resentment toward H over YOUR issues. You have to own your own issues or you can't change them. YOU have this power. Make your life YOURS.


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