# having children seemed to make D decision easier



## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

After hearing from my wife today in MC about her decision that she wants to end our M, I asked her if knowing that our children have adjusted well to our separation and are doing great do to both of our interaction with them, if that made/makes it easier to separate herself from me and close off any hope at R.

She said yes. Knowing how much we both are involved with them, individually and as a couple, did make it easier to remain disengaged.

Damn.


----------



## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Jayb said:


> After hearing from my wife today in MC about her decision that she wants to end our M, I asked her if knowing that our children have adjusted well to our separation and are doing great do to both of our interaction with them, if that made/makes it easier to separate herself from me and close off any hope at R.
> 
> She said yes. Knowing how much we both are involved with them, individually and as a couple, did make it easier to remain disengaged.
> 
> Damn.


My husband kind of thinks the same thing. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

Just because they are adjusting doesn't mean they are unaffected and wouldn't rather have parents willing to fight for their family. Seems very selfish to me. I know one day my son will understand that his father didn't fight for him because the ow was more important and I really hate that thought. I'm glad for you that your kids are doing well.


----------



## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

The fact that it hasn't effected them YET. At some point other people get involved (dates, step families etc) - there may be something that triggers reactions. What about because it's Not FINAL yet ... maybe they don't understand how permanent it will be esp if they are younger. My 4 yr old told his dad he wasn't his dad anymore because he doesn't live here anymore. The books I have been reading say 3-8 yr olds have it the worst when it comes to D. They will have attachment issues etc. Has she read anything about that?


----------



## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

i think having children makes it harder to decide. funny, i was just wondering if we were able to have biological children (we adopted ds) whether we'd have felt closer to each other. i wanted to adopt again, h didn't. 

ds is adjusting very well, like you said because of all the attention we give him, but the focus on him was also what held us together for a long time.


----------



## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> The fact that it hasn't effected them YET. At some point other people get involved (dates, step families etc) - there may be something that triggers reactions. What about because it's Not FINAL yet ... maybe they don't understand how permanent it will be esp if they are younger. My 4 yr old told his dad he wasn't his dad anymore because he doesn't live here anymore. The books I have been reading say 3-8 yr olds have it the worst when it comes to D. They will have attachment issues etc. Has she read anything about that?


My children are 4 and 8. 

I realize the effects of divorce. I was a product of a bitter one. I have reminded her several times about them. However, the past 2 months, I have been about R with her, more so than because of the children. 

She hasn't read anything. All she "feels" is hopeless about our R and more sure of ending the M while remaining close friends and involved with our children.

She hasn't experienced them crying in my arms begging me to come home. It was the MOST painful thing I've ever gone through.

Right now, I'm in emotional pain. I hurt.


----------



## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

cantmove said:


> Just because they are adjusting doesn't mean they are unaffected and wouldn't rather have parents willing to fight for their family. Seems very selfish to me. I know one day my son will understand that his father didn't fight for him because the ow was more important and I really hate that thought. I'm glad for you that your kids are doing well.


They have adjusted well. We are together as a family most weekends during the day.

Yeah, I find it strange that if we D, we will tell our children that daddy and mommy are friends who love each other, but can't live with each other.

Because, there has been no addictions, abuse, affairs, etc. Only "growing apart."


----------



## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

Jayb said:


> They have adjusted well. We are together as a family most weekends during the day.
> 
> Yeah, I find it strange that if we D, we will tell our children that daddy and mommy are friends who love each other, but can't live with each other.
> 
> Because, there has been no addictions, abuse, affairs, etc. Only "growing apart."


We tried that for the first few months, and only recently, I put an end to it. He comes over certain nights of the week and takes them every other weekend, but on the nights he is over here, I have other things going on, or make sure that I do because having dinner at the table together was just too hard. I'm not okay with divorce. I'm not okay with not fighting for our family. When he comes over, I am not here, or he takes them out to dinner. I can't do it anymore. Mommy is not ok with this. We aren't a family and it's just not the reality. My oldest is almost 5. My youngest just turned 1. It kills me that my two youngest won't know Mommy and Daddy as married, two people who fought for the family. Ugh. I totally feel your pain JayB. It totally sucks. 

You're not alone. We can all find the strength to move forward somehow. I keep telling myself that there are so many others who are going through/have gone through this and they survive. We can too. It just sucks in the time between this heart wrenching situation to actual happiness.


----------



## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Jayb said:


> They have adjusted well. We are together as a family most weekends during the day.
> 
> Yeah, I find it strange that if we D, we will tell our children that daddy and mommy are friends who love each other, but can't live with each other.
> 
> Because, there has been no addictions, abuse, affairs, etc. Only "growing apart."


It's nice that you all can still do family things. Maybe she doesn't realize once you D you will be free to date and have another woman w/ you ... will she want to have family wkds then too? Do you think she has actually processed that things are working well because you are trying to R but it probably won't remain that way?


----------



## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> It's nice that you all can still do family things. Maybe she doesn't realize once you D you will be free to date and have another woman w/ you ... will she want to have family wkds then too? Do you think she has actually processed that things are working well because you are trying to R but it probably won't remain that way?


I don't want another woman, nor want to date. I'll be happy alone.

These family weekends are voluntary. I don't expect them, nor does she. 

I don't think she has processed all of the different stages of this. Just this morning, she suggested a family vacation together!

At this moment, I am determined to be close friends with her while detaching. It may be impossible for either of us. Or, in time, it may provide hope.


----------



## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Wildflower3 said:


> We tried that for the first few months, and only recently, I put an end to it. He comes over certain nights of the week and takes them every other weekend, but on the nights he is over here, I have other things going on, or make sure that I do because having dinner at the table together was just too hard. I'm not okay with divorce. I'm not okay with not fighting for our family. When he comes over, I am not here, or he takes them out to dinner. I can't do it anymore. Mommy is not ok with this. We aren't a family and it's just not the reality. My oldest is almost 5. My youngest just turned 1. It kills me that my two youngest won't know Mommy and Daddy as married, two people who fought for the family. Ugh. I totally feel your pain JayB. It totally sucks.
> 
> You're not alone. We can all find the strength to move forward somehow. I keep telling myself that there are so many others who are going through/have gone through this and they survive. We can too. It just sucks in the time between this heart wrenching situation to actual happiness.


It is wrenching. My wife is farther down the grieving process of us separating as a couple. My philosophy at this time is to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I have given my request of our restored marriage to God and He will guard my heart.


----------



## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Jayb said:


> It is wrenching. My wife is farther down the grieving process of us separating as a couple. My philosophy at this time is to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I have given my request of our restored marriage to God and He will guard my heart.



My H seems to be content w/ his decisions. 
I wish I could have faith in a higher power, but it's just not there.


----------



## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> My H seems to be content w/ his decisions.
> I wish I could have faith in a higher power, but it's just not there.


I'm not saying it still isn't hard though.

My alternatives during this:

Be content and friends with STBXW and reserve hope

OR

Be bitter and hurtful and increase tension



I did the latter months ago and it made things worse.


In time, we'll get through this.


----------

