# Those who have reconciled after hearing/giving the ILYB... speech, can you post here?



## Wildflower3

I am working on the 180, but don't want to totally give up hope...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl

We did.

My husband said something similar to me when he moved out. There was no other woman, so I'm not sure if that hurts efforts to reconcile. Even though he moved out, he and I started dating each other after a week or so and even though during the 3 months, there were some issues (him being a jerk, mostly  ) we reconciled and are doing well.

I did the 180. I think the biggest two things were 1. Being nice (i hadn't been nice in a long while) and 2. Not calling/texting. Ever.

He's been home for 6 months this month :woohoo:. We are very happy and are only moving forward. I feel better than I ever did about us and our future and our marriage.


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## Wildflower3

Thanks for your story ThatGirl. It helps. We've been separated for 4 months now and I've stopped all contact except those regarding our kids. I was all gung ho last week about making appointments for mediation and organizing stuff, but I figure he wants this, so he can do it all. Moving on, keeping hope, but not getting any hopes up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me

We were seperated for 4 months and she just moved back home last week. So far so good. We are moving slow, and no gaurentees, but we have a better chance than we did 2 months ago.

Patience is the key of you want to make it work. I keep saying this, but it was the best souce for me....the book Divorce Busters. Some of the advice from others, including from people here at TAM would have had us divorced along time ago, so take all advice with a grain of salt. 

I think the book truly kept me from giving up and explained what she may be going through.


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## jenny123

I would love to hear advice in this as well. There is no OW, He is just saying the ILYBINILWY line. Personally, I think something snapped in his brain as well as mid life crisis. Almost 18 years married, and he doesn't want to try counseling or anything. He just needs to be "alone for now". 
I'm trying the 180 but it is so hard. He will be moving out soon (hopefully, because it is torture with him here).
Has anyone reconciled after hearing their spouse is not in love with them anymore? Maybe after being alone for a while, they realize that they really do have feelings?


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## njdad

I'm in the same boat. Wife of 15 years gave me the speech. Too much neglect for too long and the feelings are gone. Wants to focus on herself and the kids. Hoping that with some space and with me making improvements that she will come back around.


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## Jayb

njdad said:


> I'm in the same boat. Wife of 15 years gave me the speech. Too much neglect for too long and the feelings are gone. Wants to focus on herself and the kids. Hoping that with some space and with me making improvements that she will come back around.


I hope it works out for you, but....

I seriously doubt reconciliation after breaks. Especially, coupled with the gone feelings.

And, sometimes, even if the WS has doubts or regrets about leaving the marriage, he/she may still have too much pride/stubborness to seek any type of reconciliation.


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## njdad

I hear you JayB. She is stubborn as hell, and I worry about that. Think she has her mind made up that we need to separate (and probably divorce) and that she isn't going to think about anything else until she gets some time to herself and can breathe. Hoping that she realizes that she actually misses me, doesn't like not seeing the kids all the time, realizes that I actually did help in ways she didn't recognize, sees improvement, misses her home, is able to forgive, etc., etc. I'm not saying it isn't a long shot, but it's all I've got.


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## Jayb

I'm in the same boat. Except, out of anger I filed for D, only after a few months to have severe second thoughts. Too little too late, it seems.

It's frustrating. No other man in her life, we split the children 50-50, we spend time as a family most weekends, etc.

Reading 5 Love Languages, I really think we spoke 2 different languages and she's been on empty for years.


My wife said she wanted to separate to see if she missed me. Almost 10 months in to it, she now says how much she enjoys her independence.


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## chocolategeek

Jayb said:


> I'm in the same boat. Except, out of anger I filed for D, only after a few months to have severe second thoughts. Too little too late, it seems.
> 
> It's frustrating. No other man in her life, we split the children 50-50, we spend time as a family most weekends, etc.
> 
> Reading 5 Love Languages, I really think we spoke 2 different languages and she's been on empty for years.
> 
> 
> My wife said she wanted to separate to see if she missed me. Almost 10 months in to it, she now says how much she enjoys her independence.


Sorry to hear that, Jayb. Let her go. As hard as it is, just let her be. Build your own life without her. There is still hope, because there are some who have been divorced for years and still end up back together. But you must literally have your own life and even be truly ok with not reconciling. Pray for her and wish her well. 

Who knows, someday, where life will lead us?


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## Jayb

chocolategeek said:


> Sorry to hear that, Jayb. Let her go. *As hard as it is*, just let her be. Build your own life without her. There is still hope, because there are some who have been divorced for years and still end up back together. But you must literally have your own life and even be truly ok with not reconciling. Pray for her and wish her well.
> 
> Who knows, someday, where life will lead us?



It is hard. It is painful. It hurts. I have good days and bad. Good minutes and bad.

I have to assemble my own life. Because in a way, I lost mine. My identity was so wrapped up in our marriage and raising our children. I neglected others. Friends? My wife and children. Interests? My wife and children? Happiness? My wife and children. Anything else? My wife and children.

While we were only married 12 years, in a way, I have to start over again from scratch. I've never been on my own, supporting myself, independently. It's overwhelming and scary.


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## angelpixie

Jayb said:


> It is hard. It is painful. It hurts. I have good days and bad. Good minutes and bad.
> 
> I have to assemble my own life. Because in a way, I lost mine. My identity was so wrapped up in our marriage and raising our children. I neglected others. Friends? My wife and children. Interests? My wife and children? Happiness? My wife and children. Anything else? My wife and children.
> 
> While we were only married 12 years, in a way, I have to start over again from scratch. I've never been on my own, supporting myself, independently. It's overwhelming and scary.


I'm feeling for you Jayb. He was my best friend when we got together in 1997 (married in 2001). In fall 2010 I got the speech. I moved out for good in July 2011. I gave most of myself to my family, and the rest to my job. I'm starting over from scratch at 47. 
It still hurts. Especially how easily he seemed to move on. Like we were nothing. 
You're still in contact with your kids, right? Work on yourself and keep working on your relationship with them. Take time to find out who Jayb is -- what do you like, what are the talents you have that you set aside while concentrating on your family? You and your kids will benefit, even if you and your wife don't reconcile. 

I'm afraid you may be right about pride and stubbornness in many cases. But use this as a chance (even though it's coming in a situation you wouldn't want) to take pride in yourself and what you have inside.


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## Jayb

angelpixie said:


> I'm feeling for you Jayb. He was my best friend when we got together in 1997 (married in 2001). In fall 2010 I got the speech. I moved out for good in July 2011. I gave most of myself to my family, and the rest to my job. I'm starting over from scratch at 47.
> It still hurts. Especially how easily he seemed to move on. Like we were nothing.
> You're still in contact with your kids, right? Work on yourself and keep working on your relationship with them. Take time to find out who Jayb is -- what do you like, what are the talents you have that you set aside while concentrating on your family? You and your kids will benefit, even if you and your wife don't reconcile.
> 
> I'm afraid you may be right about pride and stubbornness in many cases. But use this as a chance (even though it's coming in a situation you wouldn't want) to take pride in yourself and what you have inside.



Yes, I have our children 50% of the time. Thanks for your encouragement. I don't know! I am slowly getting back to my interests. Slowly. 

During the years my wife was detaching, I was in a depression. Miserable with life. Drank every night to numb the pain. Negative outlook on everything. It's taken this current situation to knock me out of it, but it's like recovering from 2 serious wounds at the same time. Coming out from a depression and surviving the loss of my spouse and best friend. Ugh. At this time, I don't know what I have inside me. Pretty bare. And, what I did have a while back, I didn't like.


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## daisygirl 41

Jayb said:


> I hope it works out for you, but....
> 
> I seriously doubt reconciliation after breaks. Especially, coupled with the gone feelings.
> 
> And, sometimes, even if the WS has doubts or regrets about leaving the marriage, he/she may still have too much pride/stubborness to seek any type of reconciliation.


Yes but there are exceptions and R does happen in some cases.
I always kept some hope alive that the aliens who abducted my H last April would return him....and now they have! Sounds crazy, but that's really how I felt. He wasn't the man I had been in live with for 18 years and we had both neglected our marriage. 
So there is always hope. Even though I started moving on I made it perfectly clear to my H that the door would always be open to him if he wanted to come and talk to me and to not let something as stupid as his pride get in the way. Thank god he listened
DG
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jayb

daisygirl 41 said:


> Yes but there are exceptions and R does happen in some cases.
> I always kept some hope alive that the aliens who abducted my H last April would return him....and now they have! Sounds crazy, but that's really how I felt. He wasn't the man I had been in live with for 18 years and we had both neglected our marriage.
> So there is always hope. Even though I started moving on I made it perfectly clear to my H that the door would always be open to him if he wanted to come and talk to me and to not let something as stupid as his pride get in the way. Thank god he listened
> DG
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I'm so happy for you.

I wouldn't know what to do if my wife wanted to work on reconciliation. Because, while that sounds great, there are some issues that need to be addressed and worked on. And, how committed would either of us be to do the hard work to forge a strong marriage? It would kick off other types of hurt, pain and emotions.

Right now, for my wife, it's easier to quit/leave, etc., no matter how guilty or remorseful she feels.


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## Wildflower3

I think I've moved on to the "acceptance" phase. Really, all that matters is that he does not love me and never loved me. This may or may not be true, but this is how he feels in the here and now. That is ALL THAT MATTERS. I cannot change how he feels, nothing I do can change his mind at this moment. The here and now. So, the only thing left to do? MOVE ON. TAKE THE REIGNS OF MY OWN LIFE and move the F on. Holding on to that something, that "love", that was only really ever there for one of us only hurts emotionally and delays the healing process. 

This past weekend, taking my kids on a camping trip (4 1/2, 2 1/2, and 1) by myself, setting up the tent, exploring, gathering wood, going on hikes (with my 1 year old in a backpack carrier), AND making fire all by myself (I was never the fire keeper) WITHOUT CHEATING no less gave me such a boost of confidence. I CAN DO THIS! With or without him. I can take control of my own life. I can make new memories for myself and my kids. My good days are lasting longer, my sad days are not as breathtaking/life consuming. 

As of now, I am a 34 year old single mom, 3 kids, career, nice little home with a big yard, awesome minivan (I think I threw up a little in my mouth as I typed that), great support from family and friends, almost completely detached (with occasional low points). I've got it pretty good. Other's have survived this (50% divorce rate, right?), I can, too. Considering how much worse others have it, I'm doing okay! 

I CAN F*ING DO THIS! 

AND IF I CAN F*ING DO THIS, YOU CAN, TOO!


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## Wildflower3

DISCLAIMER: That being said, I am STILL NOT OK with the idea of divorce. But when you don't have a say in it...

I CAN F*ING DO THIS!


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## Jayb

Wow Wildflower!!!

I'm proud of you. That is awesome!!

1 day I will get to where you are at! Hopefully, sooner rather than later!


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## chocolategeek

Jayb said:


> I'm so happy for you.
> 
> I wouldn't know what to do if my wife wanted to work on reconciliation. Because, while that sounds great, there are some issues that need to be addressed and worked on. And, how committed would either of us be to do the hard work to forge a strong marriage? It would kick off other types of hurt, pain and emotions.
> 
> Right now, for my wife, it's easier to quit/leave, etc., no matter how guilty or remorseful she feels.



That's exactly it--R is not so enticing when you think about the work that has to be done. But for two people who need major changes in both their individual characters and as a unit, there really is a ton of challenges to overcome. Growth is painful because you must prune yourself of behaviors, things, and people that do not serve you well in your life, and then replace that with behaviors, thoughts, and people that do. For us to grow, we have to keep moving forward each day, keep walking with each agonizing baby step. Look at the plants that shoot their tender little buds ever upward. They never stop reaching for the sun. 

Time will come when we'll notice that moving forward isn't the hell that it used to be, and then before you know it you'll be whizzing by through your recovery. Of course, there will be off days when you *remember*, when the mind movies of the past play in your head again. But you know what? Just choose to turn them off. Everything is a choice.

Your wife made the choice to detach, you made the choice to numb yourself with drink, she chose to leave to see if she'd miss you, you chose to divorce her--you both made choices that you are now feeling the consequences of. Remember that today is only a product of the choices of yesterday. 

So starting now, keep choosing to take care of YOU. Keep making that choice minute by minute to remember and be good to yourself. There is nothing you can do to get her back if all you're thinking of is how to get her back. You have to put yourself first, now that you are no longer a couple. Moving on is tricky that way. Yes, you want R, but in your deepest heart you have to be happy for yourself and your wife even if you don't get back together. 

Find Jayb. That's the goal. Be grateful for the littlest things that you do have in your life now. We all make mistakes, hurt others and ourselves. But if we are to feel the joy that's always been inside us all along, we must ultimately learn our lessons and start being strong and happy for ourselves today. 

You can do it, Jayb.


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