# Feeling trapped



## summer41 (Apr 10, 2017)

I have posted on the considering separation and on the depression forums before as my H has depression too. But I know it's the right decision.

I am based in the U.K. 

I feel like I can't breathe now. I told him in Jan that I can't take anymore. I played it softly softly as I was wobbling between is it the right thing or not after 22 years together met when I was 18 years old and he was 22. We have 2 children 8 and 12. These are the reasons I didn't want to split up and why I wobbles but I can't stay 

He doesn't earn as much money as I not that I am bothered with that but I can't just leave the home as I wouldn't take the kids and I have no money to pay for another home while my name is on the mortgage. 

I have said I need him to tell his parents as he hasn't as of yet told anyone and he is bottling it all up to the point that I was worried he may be having dark thoughts as he said he doesn't think he will make it out from this situation: but part of me wonders is this is his manipulation to try and keep me.

I keep having anxiety attacks now over this situation he knows I can't leave until the valuation and until the equity in the house is sorted out. He has never once said he will miss me, all he has said is about the kids being devastated and that he wont be able to spoil them as he won't have enough money too.

I don't know what to do. I could tell him to tell his parents before I do? I can't see me staying in this environment and keeping my sanity. I also can't see the kids being kept away from it.

I have played happyish families for the kids benefit for 6 years and I am worn out now. 




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## sabrinajohnson1 (Apr 17, 2017)

Ahh the good ole "I'm gonna kill myself" my husband does that all the time. I've already had to pull him out of his car in the garage twice. Yes he needs help but he will never admit it; it's everyone else's fault.
I wish I never married him as I know my life would have been so different. 
Talk? Ha ha ha ha and he's a communication's major, talk I think we say 5 sentences to each other in a week. If it's not what he wants to hear then forget about it he shuts down.
I'm trapped, unhappy, and don't want to be blamed if he kills himself because "he can't live without me". He means "who is going to cook for me?" he's a weak man.
It took me 17 years to figure out how useless he is. Want examples fine I'll give you a trillion examples. 
"hon the piece came in for the grand kids bed to fix it as it had a recall" do you really think he would actually fix it? NOPE, so one of the grandkids fell thru, he was warned but too lazy to fix it.
Cripes there are way to many and I'm tired of doing everything. 
He's lost 50 lbs so he is skin and bones and he looks like a girl naked so yes I am totally turned off. He is 6'2 weighs 150 is he dying? I don't know he looks it but HE doesn't seem to see how gross he looks, everyone see's it.....Is he dying I get asked that all the time. I say yes because he looks sick and he won't go to the doctor. I'm not his mother he's a grown ass man of 60 yrs old. 
Boring boring boring we have nothing in common. WHY was I so desperate to get married? To be loved why why why? Now if I leave him I lose my grand kids (that's how it works and don't even try to tell me it would be different it wouldn't as soon as I got a new man my step kids would be bye) so I am stuck as I love my grand kids but my husband is an ******* a man of no communication. 
I can now see why his 1st wife cheated. If this is the way he was with her (oh and he does NOT do oral sex so I haven't had oral sex in 17 yrs but he's going to be one lonely ass man.
He looks handsome but once he takes out some of his teeth, gets naked, farts and burps 1000 times the next woman won't last so long as I did.
I'm stuck too but I am glad I found this site as I know I'm not alone.


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## summer41 (Apr 10, 2017)

sabrinajohnson1 said:


> Ahh the good ole "I'm gonna kill myself" my husband does that all the time. I've already had to pull him out of his car in the garage twice. Yes he needs help but he will never admit it; it's everyone else's fault.
> 
> I wish I never married him as I know my life would have been so different.
> 
> ...




It's horrible feeling like this. I am only 41 and don't want to (I am sorry and I don't want you to be offended I don't mean it that way) that I don't want to wake up on another 20 years and wish I had moved on.

Today another prime example of him just not getting it. He wanted me and the kids to go to his parents house to visit them. I refused, instead of asking me away from the kids he asked infront of them, why? I said as it isn't appropriate again he asks why? Omg really! How can he ask why? I didn't engage in conversation with him as the children where there and I am trying to protect them as much as possible. I've text him saying I cannot pretend to be all happy families when I am not. I've had enough I'm done.

I can't go anywhere I have to stay until he moves forward. I live in hell. I feel guilty that I've left the kids again. I can't even do things that make me happy, I should run while they are they are there but what is the point 


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

summer41 said:


> I have posted on the considering separation and on the depression forums before as my H has depression too. But I know it's the right decision.
> 
> I am based in the U.K.
> 
> ...


from your writing above it is clear you are exasperated, but still not clear why.

can you articulate what is so intolerable about living with him?
not saying you are wrong, only that you need to be clearer about what it is that makes him a bad mate, other than you married too young,
he doesn't make a lot of money.


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## summer41 (Apr 10, 2017)

jorgegene said:


> from your writing above it is clear you are exasperated, but still not clear why.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




He shows no support, he hates me being better than him in anything. He puts me down. He comes out with nasty comments makes me feel pathetic and useless.

He is manipulative, emotionally.

I've posted examples but on another board. But he shows no love and affection for me and hasn't in a long time. I have endured this for 6 years for the sake of the children but it's got worse.
He falls asleep all the time. Not shared the same bed for 6 years due to his weight gain and snoring. I've pleaded on hands and knees 3 years ago to go to marriage guidance to be rejected and if I smile more it will all be ok, again reflecting his own feelings back onto me. I resorted to pleading via text message to avoid the rejection but got no reply so self preservation stopped me doing it to avoid being hurt.
We went to marriage guidance this year after I said enough is enough and it was pointless she even said that to me, he showed no empathy had no flexibility it was all my fault all of it. It just verified my decision. I have a stressful job and also do everything around the house other than cook tea and that's only because I am still working. I told him in January it's over we are now nearly in May and I am going insane. Nothing has changed. He does nothing - leaves the dog mess in the garden for me to pickup. I wash all the clothes. He is a good dad but he has no motivation and I am weary. He uses the kids against me he said to my eldest 12 year old that "mum brings out the worst in people" I didn't call him back, I defended him saying he was tired. I always defend him I never call him to the kids as it's not fair.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

ok, so he is an abusive, disinterested husband and a lazy slob. i get it.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

summer41 said:


> He shows no support, he hates me being better than him in anything. He puts me down. He comes out with nasty comments makes me feel pathetic and useless.
> 
> He is manipulative, emotionally.
> 
> ...


What have you changed about how you interact with him?

You're both in this dance and have been for a long time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is a link to Summer's other thread so you can catch up on her situation.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/375353-normal.html


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## summer41 (Apr 10, 2017)

Update

We've got to the point where he has told his mum. He has booked a holiday to the south coast for a week just him and the kids. This is somewhere I always wanted to go yet it was in his view too far to drive. It's like he is doing this to hurt me.

I've booked 4 nights in the Lake District. I don't know how is going to pay for the holiday.....

I told him I am struggling I am having memory lapses with the stress and anxiety attacks. I need him to get the house valued so we can sort out the finances.

I asked him one question why he wanted me to stay as throughout this he has never said in plain text.. I got back "i love you" but his version of love and mine are two different things. 

I am struggling now with these 3 words. His actions tell a different story. I am struggling understanding why I feel so disgusting inside yet this is meant to be what I want to happen in order for me to be happy. He is now acting like it's all ok as he has said those three words like that makes 6/7 years of no empathy nor emotion ok. Any tips on how to cope with this feeling ? 


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

sabrinajohnson1 said:


> Ahh the good ole "I'm gonna kill myself" my husband does that all the time. I've already had to pull him out of his car in the garage twice. Yes he needs help but he will never admit it; it's everyone else's fault.
> I wish I never married him as I know my life would have been so different.
> Talk? Ha ha ha ha and he's a communication's major, talk I think we say 5 sentences to each other in a week. If it's not what he wants to hear then forget about it he shuts down.
> I'm trapped, unhappy, and don't want to be blamed if he kills himself because "he can't live without me". He means "who is going to cook for me?" he's a weak man.
> ...



God Lady, dump him, get divorced and get laid...new man...every day for a year. Get this bitter lemon out of your mouth.

I peeked in your window a while back. You have no ball and chain around your leg. GET OUT AND ENJOY LIFE!

THERE..... you have been orally lashed by an Avatar! Was it good for you?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

summer41 said:


> Update
> 
> We've got to the point where he has told his mum. He has booked a holiday to the south coast for a week just him and the kids. This is somewhere I always wanted to go yet it was in his view too far to drive. It's like he is doing this to hurt me.
> 
> ...


He gave you three drops from a blinking eye dropper.

He put them in your 7 year un-evaporated crying tank. He should have used food coloring, that way you could see some semblance of a different Love-Hue-for-You.

I bet when he goes fishing, thie fish look at him as one of their own. The cold fish variety.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

summer41 said:


> Update
> 
> We've got to the point where he has told his mum. He has booked a holiday to the south coast for a week just him and the kids. This is somewhere I always wanted to go yet it was in his view too far to drive. It's like he is doing this to hurt me.
> 
> ...


Saying and showing are two different things. If you in fact want to try again, to save your marriage, tell him that ACTIONS speak louder than words.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

I don't quite understand why he has all the power and you're just in limbo waiting for him to get the valuation. Is there absolutely nothing you can do about it?


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## summer41 (Apr 10, 2017)

Keke24 said:


> I don't quite understand why he has all the power and you're just in limbo waiting for him to get the valuation. Is there absolutely nothing you can do about it?




You're right, I have been treading carefully so as to make this as pain free for him as a possible - boy do I feel stupid now. 

I think I am going to just get one (a valuation) now. But then it's up to him to seek financial advice to see if he can afford the house. 


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Summer,

I have read this and gone through your original post and I can see where you are at, and no it is not a good place, but you have the capacity to do something. Like many a poster here has said it takes two to make it work and I am not seeing anything other than he is not willing, and that in itself is the route to failing as it has been for so long. So that also gives you the capacity to do something for you, and only you can do that.
I total follow your thought process and the treading carefully, but I think perhaps he has seen this in the past and used it to hold on, just keeping things as the status quo, after all it can seem easier sticking with what you know because that feels safer, in no way emotionally or physically better, but a sense of security.
Personally I think you do need to get out, get empowered, you are jointly on the mortgage so you can do some things, not necessarily pull the whole thing from under him without him knowing, but put the ball firmly in his court, get it going and he will have to respond.
As for the kids, eventually they will see a better life and understanding both as they grow up but as you, and indeed he, lead your own lives without animosity. For the kids and where possible try and keep arrangements relatively equal and always as positive as possible, but it sounds like he could be the type to put things across that puts you in a negative light from what I have read, do not be disheartened too much by that, and don't play fire with fire, keep positive and supportive and they also will come through it. Just for reference my ex wife used to tell the kids how I was this or had said that from an earlier age, but when all said and done they have grownup knowing me and made their own decisions, without detriment to any relationships.

On another note as you stride forward on your own, there are a couple of things I have picked up, first in your other thread you said how you dropped everything and everyone to be with him initially he was your world, bear that in mind in that you will build a social circle, and have friends and when you are in the mind of feeling ready and a potential new partner comes by that it is important to keep those friends and that circle and you build a life with your partner with those friends and not replacing with him.
So that and just to highlight from a male point of view there are plenty out there that do love oral, and have to say it can be so much better to give than get at times!!! Enjoyments are to be had.

So put your thoughts down on paper, or,notebook or whatever, look at what needs doing and get empowered, get the evaluation, get things moving and force his hand.


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## summer41 (Apr 10, 2017)

Update

I picked the kids up from his parents house yesterday and started to talk to his mum about our situation - he told me he has told her we are separating - he hasn't. But now she knows. I told her calmly and I never once called him but made it clear that I have been through a difficult time of rejection with him for 6-7 years. I made it clear to her that he is and has been suffering with depression for a long time and he won't get help and that I am worried about his mental state and worried if he can get through this what i want as an amicable split.
I feel a weight has been lifted that I am not carrying all the guilt and worry. I am extremely sad today that it couldn't have been different.
The house is being valued today so that is the next step.
I am also angry, really angry at him, I would never show him this anger not now, how could he just let the marriage break  do nothing not try, completely ignore my crys to try and sort it out.

I am terrified of the future alone with the kids but it's better than being so alone in a marriage 



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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I feel trapped as well.. I think I'm literally scared to be on my own. Just all the unknowns. I had a dream about a month ago where I was getting married again (I think to him), I woke up at 3 am!! Have you visited a lawyer for more information? You need to start getting a plan together for yourself especially if the hubs won't help himself! This will go on and on if you don't do something now.


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## summer41 (Apr 10, 2017)

cc48kel said:


> I feel trapped as well.. I think I'm literally scared to be on my own. Just all the unknowns. I had a dream about a month ago where I was getting married again (I think to him), I woke up at 3 am!! Have you visited a lawyer for more information? You need to start getting a plan together for yourself especially if the hubs won't help himself! This will go on and on if you don't do something now.




It's like a living hell. Grieving what I had and having to push forward for what seems a happier future but goodness knows.

I have to attempt to talk finances and children and lodgings with him now, this isn't going to be easy as he won't listen. His parents are My only hope x


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

summer41 said:


> It's like a living hell. Grieving what I had and having to push forward for what seems a happier future but goodness knows.
> 
> I have to attempt to talk finances and children and lodgings with him now, this isn't going to be easy as he won't listen. His parents are My only hope x


Summer, it will seem like hell right now, mainly as there are so many thoughts, trust me I know, have been there myself, but think on it as no different to that dreaded waking moment everyday when you wonder what the day is going to bring to you, except that you have made the step to take this hell by the throat and sort for you, and that is a better hell, one you can live with and escape.

You will grieve no doubt what you had was good at some point, but undoubtedly it will be good again, your life that is, and it will be a happier future, not just seem it. 

It doesn't sound like it will be easy, but you have been calm and fair from what I can gather so far and that all helps, and it is good that firstly you were able to talk to his parents, but that they may provide the hope and support, at least you know you are not battling an entire embittered family.

Just keep doing what you are doing, being fair and amicable but also taking a lead in things, it all helps for you getting sorted, and it will get sorted. It actually sounds quite positive in the sense of how things could be right now, but the main thing is that you are taking the steps for you and your kids and that can only lead to brighter things.

Just one day at a time and keep on going is the best bet.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Summer, 

Make your to do list and just work it. One day at a time. One item on the to-do list at a time. 

That's the only way to get through this and keep your sanity.


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

I thought I'd weigh in. I just separated from my husband it's been one month exactly. I had huge fear, I was depressed in the relationship and couldn't figure out if my depression was from something else or the broken relationship, it had been so long that'd been dealing with it. Married 20 years. 4 years ago, I posted on this forum and got lots of help and advice. My H like yours was someone I felt sorry for, when I told my mom 4 years ago that I was leaving him, she said "what will he do without you?". This kept me there for 4 more years as well as him begging me to go for couples counselling etc etc. I did it for the kids who were at that time 11 and 8. 

I felt huge guilt and pity for him and every day I was dying a little more in this relationship that brought me no love or support. The counsellor at the time said "are you willing to give it 1 year?". I said "ok". One year later he had done virtually no counselling, he had excuse after excuse, he'd been trying but his counsellor was out of town a lot etc etc etc. After one year I said "nothing has changed so we need to separate" to which he replied "I didn't think you meant a year, I am working on it". So the couples counsellor told him he needed to take things seriously and go for counselling every 2 weeks for a good long while. So he finally did. Some things changed and he continued to try to fix things, but nothing was getting fixed because he was solely focused on trying to do things to "please me". 

Anyhow finally 4 years later I have walked away. 

My biggest fears were telling the kids. They have adapted amazingly well, and while they were sad on the day, they actually seem more joyful now than the did before living in that broken house. He has finally had to step up and take care of his kids on the weeks when he has them. 

How long do you want to continue taking care of your husband at the expense of yourself? 

You are worth more than that.


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## summer41 (Apr 10, 2017)

Keenwa said:


> I thought I'd weigh in. I just separated from my husband it's been one month exactly. I had huge fear, I was depressed in the relationship and couldn't figure out if my depression was from something else or the broken relationship, it had been so long that'd been dealing with it. Married 20 years. 4 years ago, I posted on this forum and got lots of help and advice. My H like yours was someone I felt sorry for, when I told my mom 4 years ago that I was leaving him, she said "what will he do without you?". This kept me there for 4 more years as well as him begging me to go for couples counselling etc etc. I did it for the kids who were at that time 11 and 8.
> 
> I felt huge guilt and pity for him and every day I was dying a little more in this relationship that brought me no love or support. The counsellor at the time said "are you willing to give it 1 year?". I said "ok". One year later he had done virtually no counselling, he had excuse after excuse, he'd been trying but his counsellor was out of town a lot etc etc etc. After one year I said "nothing has changed so we need to separate" to which he replied "I didn't think you meant a year, I am working on it". So the couples counsellor told him he needed to take things seriously and go for counselling every 2 weeks for a good long while. So he finally did. Some things changed and he continued to try to fix things, but nothing was getting fixed because he was solely focused on trying to do things to "please me".
> 
> ...



@Keenwa your post could not have come at a better time, I am in the middle of yet another "wobble" only for the sake of my youngest who is 9 in a couple of weeks. But your situation is like looking at a reflection in the mirror. I cannot thank you enough.

H today for the first time has asked me a question about the separation, how the kids will work and what happens now we have a valuation on the house. I think he is finally seeing this as real. I felt sick when he asked the question all because it became real to me. I thank you. I am doing the right thing 


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

summer41 said:


> @Keenwa your post could not have come at a better time, I am in the middle of yet another "wobble" only for the sake of my youngest who is 9 in a couple of weeks. But your situation is like looking at a reflection in the mirror. I cannot thank you enough.
> 
> H today for the first time has asked me a question about the separation, how the kids will work and what happens now we have a valuation on the house. I think he is finally seeing this as real. I felt sick when he asked the question all because it became real to me. I thank you. I am doing the right thing
> 
> ...


 @summer41 hang in there. It is easier to stay in a bad marriage than to leave it. It's easier to put ourselves last and suck it up. But in the end it kills us. It takes a lot of gumption to stay the course. I learned that. What a difference to say I want to leave, and actually to do it. I was physically sick to my stomach on the day I'd decided we would tell the kids, but I knew if I didn't do it, it would mean another anniversary (coming up in June) etc that I'd be living a big lie again and again.


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