# Wife is putting off changing her surname...



## Troubledhusbnd (Apr 24, 2017)

I am my wife's 5th husband, she is my 3rd wife. She is a Professional Engineer. She was married to her 3rd husband for 26 years and he was according to her emotionally and physically abusive to her. About the time they divorced she started her own firm and kept the mans last name for her children's sake. Understandable. They are grown now. Her 4th husband never even lived with her... very strange. I told my wife before I asked her to marry me that if she insisted on keeping an ex husbands surname, let alone the surname of an abusive man, that I would not marry her. She subsequently discussed hyphenating her maiden name with mine - which I have no problem with. Now she states that I never told her this... and it is causing problems for me. I hate his last name now and she still identifys herself with it professionally and sometimes personally, sometimes accidentally in front of me. She was single for 12 years when we wed, and have been married for 6 months now. What do I do? She has changed her name in some areas, that really don't matter but now she is refusing to go any further...


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

She's had 5 husbands? Maybe I am judgmental, but that is a lot of husbands to me.

If she's used her current name professionally for years, that would be reason enough for many women not to want to change it.

Don't be quick to tie an old name to a past or external party. I kept my ex husband's last name until I met my current husband. My family thought I was nuts to do so considering the circumstances of our divorce. What they did not understand, however, is that his name was not a reminder of the bad, but a reminder of the person I had become, the lessons I had learned while married the first time. It was a name that held a lot of importance to me and I was proud of it. My current husband understood that and even suggested I keep it after we were married, but by then I was ready for the next "phase" of my life and wanted very much to take my new husband's name.

Granted, if she promised to change her name after marriage, then took it back, it is called bait-and-switch.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

She has used that name for years professionally. It is really hard on a person's career to just change their name. it means that people don't recognize that her previous work done by her.

When I remarried, after years as an engineer, I did not change my last name because it would have been very confusing at with my career.

Socially I used my married name. 


Changing the last name works ok for a young women who has no career or is just starting in a career. But it gets to be a problem with a woman who has more of a history/career. I think that men do not get how much confusion it can cause in a woman's work life, financial life, etc. Easy when it's not you having to make changes all over the place.

I think you are being unreasonable. Let her decide what she wants to do with her name. The more you harass her about this, this more she will dig in her heals.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

My former wife never took my name and I didn't care. Of course it's up to whatever a couple chooses to do, but I'd be fine with the practice of changing names becoming an anachronism.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

My wife never changed her name. Fine with me. 

OTOH the OP says that his wife promised to change hers, so that is in important issue.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Troubledhusbnd said:


> I am my wife's 5th husband, she is my 3rd wife. She is a Professional Engineer.
> 
> ....About the time they divorced she started her own firm and kept the mans last name for her children's sake. Understandable.
> 
> ...


If she has an engineering firm, it is probably licensed by the State she is located in and is licensed in other states where she and her firm practice. She is also separately licensed as a professional engineer in multiple states. Furthermore, she has probably applied for Women Owned business status with several states and the federal government to get priority on being hired. That is ignoring the cost of changing firm stationary, business cards and a host of other things.

Do you have any idea the paperwork and time she would need to expend to change licenses for her company and for her professional engineers registration?

So changing the company name is probably off the table. If you really want to help rather than complain offer to get her an LLC in her old married name, offer to pay all court costs for a formal name change, then offer pay any costs associated with changing state or federal documents. 

If you are really hung up on this as you say then it is a boundary issue. You have explained you desires to her and she has shown you through actions what she is or isn't going to do.

You do need to ask yourself though if she isn't sending you a clear message. It sounds like after 5 husbands she isn't much into humoring any of them including you. I would wager if you put your foot down too firmly you will become her 6th ex-husband.

Is this a battle you really want to fight and possibly end your marriage over? In marriage counseling, I learned that I can't change my wife, only she can change herself and her actions and beliefs. I can explain my preferences, explain why things she does hurt me, but I can't force her to change. I can however be supportive of change and reinforce posititive change.

Good luck


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> In marriage counseling, I learned that I can't change my wife, only she can change herself and her actions and beliefs. I can explain my preferences, explain why things she does hurt me, but I can't force her to change. I can however be supportive of change and reinforce posititive change.


Adding that I learned that we can't control the behavior of others, but we do control what we will tolerate.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Since she is so good at the bait and switch you might now understand why she has had 5 husbands.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

This is definitely a hill I'd be willing to die on. I'd be ok with it if it was her maiden name. Maybe if it's her young children's name. But in general I wouldn't be able to tolerate my wife having another mans name. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Bah !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What matters is what name she uses when she is writhing underneath your body, getting the [OOh-my-goodness]. When she is not in her right mind.....is in her Sight Mind. 

Are you in her sights?

Five husbands? Five Long Term Romantic Men-sters to compete with in bed. Five mentors...until they were fired. As soon as they quit firing her furry engine.

Ah, the indignity!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Young at Heart said:


> If she has an engineering firm, it is probably licensed by the State she is located in and is licensed in other states where she and her firm practice. She is also separately licensed as a professional engineer in multiple states. Furthermore, she has probably applied for Women Owned business status with several states and the federal government to get priority on being hired. That is ignoring the cost of changing firm stationary, business cards and a host of other things.
> 
> Do you have any idea the paperwork and time she would need to expend to change licenses for her company and for her professional engineers registration?
> 
> ...


Would the ink be dry on all the paperwork before husband five is being replaced by husband six.I believe in the saying if at first you don't succeed then try again.But I also believe after four failures the problem is probably unsolvable.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Good lord, is this woman 100 years old?

She was married twice* before* her longest marriage of 26 years (number #3), then married to some other clown she never lived with, and was then single for 12 years before finally marrying you.

At her age, does it really MATTER what her last name is? :scratchhead:


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Good lord, is this woman 100 years old?
> 
> She was married twice* before* her longest marriage of 26 years (number #3), then married to some other clown she never lived with, and was then single for 12 years before finally marrying you.
> 
> At her age, does it really MATTER what her last name is? :scratchhead:


If she's that old maybe she can't remember any more names.😈


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

Her keeping the last name is out of convenience, not out of attachment to an abusive ex. She would have to change her name on the standard stuff (IDs, etc.) not to mention business registrations and her licensing. Who knows, the latter might be complicated.

Being 6 months into the marriage, I can understand you being upset about this. Hell, my wife didn't take my last name, and I was pissed initially. But I am less pissed 9 years later; it just doesn't matter as much to me anymore. In fact, there's so many better things to be pissed about now. It's like I've walked into a "pissed-off" candy shop or something. Awesome selection.

Anyway, I would suggest you not let this get to you. Her last marriage was 12 years ago! Hopefully this marriage is her last. Would be better if you were husband #7. The number 6 is not lucky...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yeah, she's not changing it and you were totally bait-and -switched.
Must be good stuff to have reeled in number 2-5.

What other promises is she willing to break?


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

OK....

The last name will never be unwritten. Undone.

Is this a one strike ballgame? Give her three strikes before you send her back to the minor leagues. Uh, five husbands....she is major league.

The Lady is a Player. And she is the Umpire. She calls the plays. If you want to Hump-the-Ump you better let her handle the balls....your balls.

If not, she will throw you out for arguing with the Ump....kicking dirt on the Umps "calls on balls".
........................................................................................................................................................................................
OK, enough quips and humor. How is the rest of your relationship? Is she a good companion? Do you enjoy her company? How is your sex life? Does she treat you with respect most of the time.

My fear: She has learned to fend for herself. She is now independent. She has learned that she can always get another man, bed another man. Dump another man. 

My hope: She is done with being in charge, wants to work together on marriage issues. She wants a partnership, not a warm guy to cuddle with in bed, a guy on her arm to take her places.

An Independent women is fine....as a girlfriend, not a spouse. 

When I say "Independent", I mean 'very' independent. 'Everything' is about her, types. The only exception would be when the husband is perfectly happy with the arrangement. This brings to mind "Marriages of Convenience".... "Business" marriages. Where each come home to sleep and maybe have sex, maybe not. Intimacy is optional.

Of course, both men and women need to have outside interests and activities. But these should be subordinated to what is good for the marriage.

Just Sayin'


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Wolf1974 said:


> Since she is so good at the bait and switch you might now understand why she has had 5 husbands.


You don't know why she's had 5 husbands, so don't make assumptions.

Any of the previous 4 could have died, been abusive, been cheaters, left her for somebody else - any number of reasons.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

alexm said:


> You don't know why she's had 5 husbands, so* don't make assumptions.*
> 
> Any of the previous 4 could have died, been abusive, been cheaters, left her for somebody else - any number of reasons.


Huh?

Stop that!

We do not know the details...we don't.

We do know the end of the story, five husbands later. 

For me? One EXH, four interim lovers. That is acceptable.

That would tell me that she is picky....her picker is good.

Oh, my....she picked me. She married me. I know, OP agreed to this....as did the other four bed sharers: Tom, Dik, Harry and Peter. 
Oh, my...am I the next Schmuck to roll out the door, hand bag and not-so-straight razor in hand?

As it stands now, she does the naming and picking. She does the counting...and she does the pushing. She pushes them out the door.....when the count approaches High Noon.

At High Noon she must give up her name and independence to some uppity husband with a sparse beard and mustache.

When Twelve Bells ring.....she stands in the open door, she tilts her coifed head back and yells, "NEXT!"


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

alexm said:


> You don't know why she's had 5 husbands, so don't make assumptions.
> 
> Any of the previous 4 could have died, been abusive, been cheaters, left her for somebody else - any number of reasons.


Please........ we all make assumptions here on every post. Mine was tounge and cheek, get off your high horse.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

Women should be able to keep any damn name they want. She's been in business with her name for many years. This really shouldn't be an affront to the OP.

Adopting a spouse's surname seems like an ownership issue. Unless the OP and his wife have that sort of relationship, the point is moot.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

So what is the common denominator in those 4 failed marriages......her. Didn't you ever wonder what is wrong with her that she had been divorced so many times? Didn't that make you think twice? That she isn't marriage material? She seems to marry men at the drop of a hat, even one she never even lived with.:scratchhead:

I think the name issue is just the beginning of your troubles sadly. It shows her lack of commitment to you and her thoughts that this marriage probably wont last anyway. She has already ended 4 marriages before(or had them ended for her), its like she can throw men away if the going gets a bit hard. Between you and she the likely success rate must be about 5%. I hope you are one of the 5% but I am not hopeful. 
I married a man who was divorced once after a long first marriage as I was, more than one divorce and it can show a pattern.I wouldn't go there.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

introvert said:


> Women should be able to keep any damn name they want. She's been in business with her name for many years. This really shouldn't be an affront to the OP.
> 
> Adopting a spouse's surname seems like an ownership issue. Unless the OP and his wife have that sort of relationship, the point is moot.


No its not about ownership, its about respecting your husband. Apart from that, she agreed to add his name to hers before they married and now denies she did that.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> No its not about ownership, its about respecting your husband. Apart from that, she agreed to add his name to hers before they married and now denies she did that.


She reeled him in with promises that she had no intention of keeping.Now that he is caught she is showing her true self.Denying that they had the conversation is what would worry me,this is classic narcissistic behaviour.It's easy enough to see why she has had five marriages,she is using the bait and switch method.I would be interested to know how she did financially from these marriages,the one where she never lived with her husband is classic gold digger behaviour i.e. marry an old rich man who is in bad health.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Wolf1974 said:


> Please........ we all make assumptions here on every post. Mine was tounge and cheek, get off your high horse.


No high horse here! Was just saying.

Look, 5 husbands is a lot. The likelihood that she's just bad at picking partners is pretty high. Red flags for husband number 5? Absolutely. But we don't know the reasons why, unless OP tells us. Until then, let's not assume she's broken, or gets around, or a gold digger, or whatever else may have gone through anybody's mind.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

alexm said:


> No high horse here! Was just saying.
> 
> Look, 5 husbands is a lot. The likelihood that she's just bad at picking partners is pretty high. Red flags for husband number 5? Absolutely. But we don't know the reasons why, unless OP tells us. Until then, let's not assume she's broken, or gets around, or a gold digger, or whatever else may have gone through anybody's mind.


5 different marriages and the common denominator is her. If you want to attribute that to she just has a bad picker cool for you.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

Troubledhusbnd said:


> What do I do?


Stop getting married?


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> 5 different marriages and the common denominator is her. If you want to attribute that to she just has a bad picker cool for you.


However, if/when this marriage ends, he will have been divorced three times and will also become a "common denominator".


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Funny how water always seems to find its level huh @Steve1000


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You've been bait and switched my friend. I think it's up to the couple to decide on name taking etc. and what works for one won't work for another. I took my husbands name, was always going to and I love that we all have the same surname in our little family. When I got my first official mail with my new name I was so excited I took a photo, lololol.

For your wife to now suddenly backtrack on something you both agreed on is very unfair.


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