# Please help I dont know what to do and feel suicidal



## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

Here's my story -(We live in England) I have been with OH for 21 years in December - We met when I was 20 and she was 21 (obviously now 41 ande 42 respectively).

We had absolutely the perfect relationship until our daughter was borm in 1999. Although she was never a maternal kind of person I always knew when she had a child our relationship would change.

After Lucy was born she suffered severe post natal depression which I don't think she ever recovered from. She has been on anti-depressants since. Further she focused all her attention on the chld and negelcted me. Money was no object as far as Lucy was concerned and as she got older she persuaded me to put her in the best private school which we couldn't afford and as a result our debts just grew and grew.

In addition to which OH is a big spender - always shopping for clothes and going out for meals with her friends. I have a high income but she works part time as a nurse and earns nothing but pin money. We are not married btw.

After Lucy was born I ended up in the spare bed for the last 12 years - she still sleeps with Lucy even though she is now 12. We have sex twice a year at best although we have got along fine but dont go out together much - only really family holidays and the odd day out. I do really love her and she has always told me she loves me too.

I am quite a shy person and I don't enjoy socialising whereas she likes to be out every weekend getting drunk and being the life and soul of the party. I have to say that although she is now 42 she often gets mistaken for being in her late 20's (she is very beautiful) and tbh she acts like an 18 year old. Every weekend she never comes home sleeping over at her friend's houses while I "Babysit". I never minded this because I love her and trust her implicitly.

I have to admit that I do play games on the computer a bit too much (this is my escape from my hard job) and not have been attentive to her as much as I could have been. However I do a very difficult job (a lawyer), I do do all the grocery shopping and cook dinner for us all every night (even though she works part time) and help with the washing up.

But I don't think I'm that bad a person - I don't go out drinking and womanising, I don't goto football - I'm just a stay at home kind of guy.

So here's the rub on Xmas eve she was in the kitchen on the phone - I said "who are you speaking to" - she said "my mum". I could hear a man's voice so I grabbed the phone off of her and went through her texts. These texts said:

"I love you so much Bob"
"I never thought I would find love again"
"I'll be round soon get ready for some action"
"Cant play out tonight Bob"


I said I needed to know everything so she told me she had met him in a pub and been out for a meal with him a few days later and had sex with him 10 times since November. She said he works away permanently during the week and returns to he city at weekends. He is a 50 year old plumber (8 years older than her) divorced and lives with his 25 year old daughter. She says she loves him because his personality reminds her of her grandad who brought her up.

I was devasted but I love her so much I said I would be prepared to put this indescretion behind us and I would do whatever she wanted me to do to change and we could move on.

She says I am lazy and anti-social and we are completelty different people. She is acting so strange I don't know if she is going through the menopause or having a mid-life crisis or something.

However since new year she has been absolutely awful to me - she says she had made her decision to leave me 6 months previously and her relationship with this man would not end as she loves him and was a by-product of her intention to leave. She has been doing her best to get me to move out of the house.

Now she simply wont talk to me and says she will only talk about money and selling the house.

I really don't know what to do I love her so much, I don't want a relationship with anyone else, I don't want to move on and I just feel like ending my life atm as I see no future.


To make matters worse I don't think I will see much of my daughter as she as at an age where she would rather be with her friends on a weekend than her "embarrasing Dad".

Also I cannot face life moving from a comfortable large house to a bedsit and living on my own. I really don't want anyone else.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

rumple9 - I am very sorry to hear your story and your pain. PLEASE DO NOT HARM YOURSELF. Call a friends, a family member, a suicide prevention line ASAP. I speak from experience - I almost harmed myself on Monday. What stopped me was the anguish I'd cause family and friends - I will NOT put them through this.

My next step was calling a friend, seeing my family doctor who is referring me to a counselor (seeing her tomorrow). A few days after the need miss, I felt MUCH better and am a bit more positive. The help I am getting is doing the same. Please, call someone. Suicide is NOT the answer!!


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## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

I really cant tell close friends and the only family I have is my mother - and it would kill her - she is very frail. I'm going to see a doctor tomorrow to see if I can get some anti-depressants but since xmas eve when I found out I spent 2 weeks in bed doing nothing but crying. I've lost a stone in 3 weeks through not eating. I had to goto work this week and can't stop crying in the office and can't cant get motivated to do work which is so important to me.

This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me - it's worse than someone dying because there is no closure - it is terrible grief -I just want her back. We are still living in the same house and it's just like walking on eggshells all the time.

Im dreading this weekend because she is going to go off to him while I am sat babysitting - thats why she wants me out of the house. I am going insane. It is pure torture.

I read up on this and tried the 180 but only lasted 3 days before I cracked.

Everyone I speak to just tells me to stay put in the house and move on when it sells and I'll be ok because I'm a good looking guy but I really dont want anyone else but her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your wife have family? Have you exposed her affair to them?

Why are you helping her by sitting with your daughter so she can go out. You should tell her that if she goes off with this guy for the weekend to not come home again. That this is your home and your daughter's home. And you will not put up with exposing your daughter to the affair. Nor with her using your family home as the staging place for her cheating.

The more pressure of reality you can put on the affair, the more likely it will break up.

I also agree that you need to call someone and get some help. Can you go to a clinic to get anti depressents? Is there a place you can go NOW?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Don't ham you. Find this guy and make his life unpleasant,

Divorce your cheatng wife and demand full custody of your child.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Meatpuppet (Jan 2, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Don't ham you. Find this guy and make his life unpleasant,
> 
> Divorce your cheatng wife and demand full custody of your child.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree:

You sound like a great guy (or bloke, I guess you'd say from your end of the pond ), and it's usually the great guys that get the fecal end of the stick. 

Google "Alpha and Beta Male". Your wife sees you as a beta; ie: homebody, not masculine, etc. I know that's a low blow, but after reading a whole lot on female brain chemistry, I have to say men have to be at the top of their game in marriage - always. The more complacent you get, the greater chance they're going to find the "alpha" guy to kick their dopamine back into gear. 

I'm a gamer too, but recently, after my ordeal, I went down to my local game shop and sold them all. I tried playing to take my mind off things and found I got no joy and no escape. Since gaming might be one of the factors in her assessment of you as a beta male, I think it'd be best to ditch em, or at least put it on hold. 

Instead, join a gym and get into the best shape of your life. Do what I do: lift like your life depends on it (honestly, your future sex life _probably does_ depend on it) and if you can't complete the last rep, picture your wife with the OM and watch what happens. 

I added about 30 lbs to my bench weight in a month with this strategy 

As for your child, love her like you've never loved her before, but DON'T DON'T, for the sake of Pete, STOP babysitting so your wife can visit the OM. If she pulls that sh!t with you, say you're going down to the pub/gym/movies whatever. BUT DO NOT ENABLE HER TO DO THAT! You're just handing over more of your balls. 

I'm actually not sure if my own wife is having an EA/PA, and the stress of not knowing is killing me. At least you have the surety of knowing the truth. That's probably of little comfort, but being in "suspicion limbo" is far worse. 

In sum: Daughter>You>Work>Dog/Cat/Bird>.....other stuff....>wife 

Show her you can move on. Not to reclaim her, but reclaim yourself. 

Hang in there. It's gonna be a rough ride, but time heals all :smthumbup:


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## Pathfinder (Jan 1, 2012)

Meatpuppet said:


> Instead, join a gym and get into the best shape of your life. Do what I do: lift like your life depends on it (honestly, your future sex life _probably does_ depend on it) and if you can't complete the last rep, picture your wife with the OM and watch what happens.
> 
> I added about 30 lbs to my bench weight in a month with this strategy


Meatpuppet you crack me up.

@Rumple9

You are in a tough situation my friend and I know what you are feeling like. Just understand that feeling suicidal is not strange nor is a character flaw. In a very wayward way it is a survival mechanism. You see suicidal thoughts enter a persons head when they are in too much pain and they cannot cope with that pain. the next time you find yourself feeling this way I want you to stop and read this page:

*Suicide Read This First*

This page stopped me from killing myself.

You need to get support surrounding you. You need to find friends, a counselor or a support group where you can feel safe to vent all this emotion and know that people are there to care for you. THAT IS CRITICAL. You may not feel like it know but one day you will wake up and you will feel ok, maybe even fine. It does happen but in order to get from this darkness into a little bit of safety you MUST get a support structure going.

Now is not the time to be worried about your wife or your relationship... Your primary focus should be to take care of yourself now. So here is a little plan for you to follow over the next 7 days:

Day 1: Start and implement the *180 rules*

Find and book an appointment with a therapist and tell them you are depressed and considering suicide

Post any thoughts and emotions you have on this thread

Day 2: Start running for exercise at least run/walk 3 km

Keep at your 180 and read that list at least 5 times a day

Update this thread and let us know how you are doing

Day 3: Run at least run/walk 3 km

Keep at your 180 and read that list at least 5 times a day

Update this thread, share your emotions and ask advice no matter how stupid or silly you may think it is.

Go see a movie

Day 4 - 7: Run at least run/walk 3 km

Keep at your 180 and read that list at least 5 times a day

Update this thread

During this week make sure you see a therapist, Watch a movie, Go out for a coffee and find a support group to join.

This is a simple plan for you to execute just to get you through the next seven days so you don't have to think "What will I do?" "How will I make it".

You have a plan now, you have goals and no matter how silly you think they are, I want you to do all of them irrespective of how you are feeling, no matter how down you are or no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel.

The exercise is to lay a foundation for your body. The fitter you are the easy it will be for you to bounce back

The 180 is to help you emotionally protect yourself from your wife and also how to handle being around her

The support structure ( Therapy and support group ) is to protect you from you. DO NOT OVERLOOK THE POWER OF ACCOUNTABILITY!

The updates on this thread is to show you there are people who care. We will respond and we will be there for you. So vent your emotions, we will not judge you. Ask for advice, they are amazingly wise people on this forum who will give you advice that can change your life. 

Hang in there, your friends are with you


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## involedfather (Jan 13, 2012)

I know first hand where you're at friend and it wasn't long ago for me at all (less than 2 years). My situation was almost exactly the same and my thoughts. I'd never felt such gut-wrenching, all consuming, world closing in on you pain. I was down on my knees literally, begging her to stay, and she kicked me in the face (figuratively) and left me alone and bleeding in the gutter.

Despite the emotions, which I know can't be fought, there is a different reality. The reality is you've been a prisoner in your own home for 12 years. You've been a paycheck and a care giver to an adolescent. The day of your parole is near look at the sky through the bars of your cell and dream of the future!

I didn't believe it, I didn't want to believe it, but now I sleep every night with an incredible woman, wrapped in my arms or wrapped in hers. I love her when we're having sex, I love her when we're just sitting there doing nothing. EVERY morning before I leave I lean over her in bed and whisper in her ear that I love her, she hugs me deeply and is sad to see me go. She's a companion like I never knew existed. I, like you, thought my old marriage was the way of things. I believed in commitment and faithfulness above all else. I believed that it was just my lot in life and made the most of it. There is so much more out there for you!

So many articles and advise about suicide is how it will hurt everyone around you. That's true, it will, but you don't have to live for everyone else. That's just putting you in another prison. Instead, live for you! If you go now you'll be missing the best part of your life! I promise, PROMISE you that this grief is temporary and that there is so much more in life for you! I GUARANTEE you that the day will come, not too far down the road, when you look back on these days GRATEFUL that she finally left. You'll wonder why you couldn't see it then but won't waste much time on the thoughts as you'll be wrapped up in a fulfilling life that you love.

I reached that point about 3 months after mine left but your mileage may vary, it's not a big deal. There was another 6-9 months of anger (ok, so maybe some is still going on) but this was all because I gave her EVERYTHING including the kids and she was still an ungrateful b__ch to me and bad to my kids. If not for the kids I'd never look back after that first 3 months. In fact, I've been away from these forums for so long that I can't even remember my login and had to setup a new one. The only reason I stopped by was because I'm going through a custody battle now, have seen so much turmoil on a forum I visit specific to dads custody, and felt like stopping by here to see if anyone else needed some encouragement.

I registered a new account specifically to respond to YOU Rumple, to give YOU hope, because I see in you exactly what was in me during this time and I want you to survive and thrive.

The emotions are too strong now, I know. You can't address them directly except for with a good counselor so don't. Focus on action now, something you can DO. If you haven't already, do this TODAY. Go get a small mp3 player, some band for it that you can wear, earbuds that will stay in when you jog, GOOD running shoes (seriously spend like $100+ US dollars), whatever clothing is appropriate for your season, get out there and walk, jog, run, whatever your current fitness level is. Do it today. Hell, leave wok early if you can. Do this all you possibly can. Get a protein shake and switch to a QUALITY diet. No goofy weight loss gimmic thing. Focus on nutrition, not losing weight. All of this will FORCE a change in your mindset and outlook on life. You won't be able to prevent the positive change and it will surely turn your life around.

Take care man, there is such a great life ahead of you!


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## hamati (Dec 6, 2011)

Rumple, what you are feeling is normal. Just don't act on it. When my stbxw told me she wanted a divorce and later found out there was another man I felt exactly what you feel. I felt it in muy gut for months before she asked for divorce, something was not right. I got the same speech about her having decided six months ago she was leaving. I know your pain. The first month I used to wake in the middle of the night nauseous and with my heart racing. And this was before I knew about the OM. 

In my head the OM was a better man in all aspects than myself. I was positive that she wouldn't have left me if it was not for better. I was soooo wrong, now I know the OM is divorced, has a child, has been laid off his job twice and now he's working for my stbxw. My stbxw always made me feel she had such high standards, it was all lies. She is supporting this loser and his son. And she had the nerve to make me feel bad about myself and my job (I own an art gallery btw) telling me I am too refined.

When I acted Alpha she resented it, I'm in good shape and good looking. I didn't let her always get her way. I gave her space and made her feel protected. The sex was better for her than it was for me. Believe me Rumple, this is not about your shortcomings.

She too didn't want to talk and she made me responsible for every problem in our marriage. Do the 180, it works. In a couple of weeks she'll start talking if you man up. I didn't want to beileve this, I thought I could reason with her and show her how much I loved her, this only backfired.

When I finally told her I was not OK with her divorce agreement and she saw I was not letting her get away with it, she was calling me within 5 minutes to talk. She told me what she didn't months before, the reasons and her feelings why the marriage failed. She felt scared, she spoke for nearly an hour. And this is the same woman who would not return my calls or e-mails for 2 months.

Hang in there, it gets better, give it time. No one can pull you through this, you have to do it yourself. Talk about it with your family and friends, they will give you valuable insight.



_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

rumple9 - you OK? Please post something and let us know you're holding on. A lot of people here know exactly what you're going through and care about you. Hope to hear from you soon.


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## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

yeh I'm ok just very sad and heartbroken - been to see the doctor and he's given me anti-depressants.

Ive been begging her and pleading with her to try and sort it out or goto counselling but she just doesnt want to know and says its over and can't be fixed.

Well its saturday night and she went out and said she was going to her mothers for an hour - that was 5 hours ago so shes obviously out with him. My daughter is sat here crying because her mum won't answer her calls to come home.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

> After Lucy was born I ended up in the spare bed for the last 12 years - she still sleeps with Lucy even though she is now 12. We have sex twice a year at best ...


This is so weird. It's also wrong for that child...and you.

Get your daughter out of YOUR marital bed.

read the whole story...ugh. SO SORRY  I hope you are ok.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Rumple what is with guys in the UK and their women? They seem have all of you turned into nice guys who never ever stand up to them - you get upset, you get sad, but you just take it from them.

So she's out with another man.

Why aren't you packing her bags and putting them at the door?

Why haven't you cut her off from access to any of your money?

Why haven't you cancelled her cell phone ?

why aren't you sleeping in your own bed in the master bedroom?

Doesn't lucy have her own bedroom and bed?

You've let your wife turn you into a doormat all these years, and instead of making you the man she wants, she lost all respect for you.

Get a copy of No More Mr.Nice Guy and read it, and practice it.

Stop thinking that you just being better doormat will improve things - it will not.

I don't mean for you to be abusive or nasty - just to stop accepting being treated as second class - as an option.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

rumple9... I feel for you. I'm still going through my personal hell, but a couple of nights ago I regained my self-respect and told my stbxw how I felt. It was empowering and I started to respect myself again. Self-respect is an important ally in what you're facing. Regaining yours is an important step forward. I also think my wife gained some respect for me as well.

Like you, I was feeling suicidal, completely immersed in my own grief. I could not see a light in the darkness, yet I know I was stronger than that, but just lost. If I can get past that point, you can too.

Seeing your doctor was an important first step. Anti-depressants are a way to numb the pain but not dealing with the pain. THAT IS KEY. Have you made an appointment with a counselor? If not, I urge you to do so - talking with someone who can allow you to safely express your feelings and grief, then help with the tools to get stronger is essential. It will make you feel less alone and give you hope. This has been my experience very recently. You *CANNOT* control your wife's behaviour, but you *CAN* make sound choice that will help you work through this. 

A week ago I did not believe people telling me "it will get better". Now I *KNOW *if will, because of choice I have made and am making. 

No later than Monday I want you to post that you've made an appointment with a counselor. Hold on... you *WILL* be ok and get through this.


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## hamati (Dec 6, 2011)

Rumple...please do not beg her or try to reason wth her. Two months ago I was going through exactly what you're going through now. I went to the Dr and gave me antidepessants which I refused. I begged her to go to therapy and she told me no way.

The best thing you can do is take action, just do something about it, I assure you it will make you feel so much better.

Kick her out of the house. Pack her bags. Cut off the money.

Just do it, you will feel better and she will see you have grown a pair and react.

I didn't believe it, but it does work.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Rumple - many people get depressed and in the place you are because they convince themselves that the bad choices they made in the past mean they can't have a good future.

But that's not at all true.

The future can be very very good, and you can make it that way.

The problem you face right now is that your wife has pushed and emotionally abused you to the point that you feel that you are powerless. You sort of stumbled along like this, thinking this was your lot in life, until she started cheating.

Now you fell violated, lied to, and stolen from. You gave up all that including your hope to her, and in return she's decided she can have an affair.

Well time to stand up and realize that not only is what she is doing and has been doing completely in the wrong, but YOU are able to decide not to keep participating.

Take small steps at first, get your footing, and then larger steps. Steps that take you from where she has forced you to be, to where you want to be.

Guess what - you make good money! There are lots of good available women out there, and a guy with money has an even better shot at them.

This other guy has got her - ok -let's think about that. Think about the kind of woman she's been, what her idea of a relationship with a man is like. It's awful. You know it's awful, you've lived with it. You've lived with no sex, sleeping by yourself in another bed, while she bosses you around and spends your money.

Time sir for you to boot her out, and to upgrade big time. This other bloke, boy he has no idea the awful deal he's getting. You've got the chance to trade in the clunker with a bad engine, bad tires, bad everything, and this moron is willing to buy it. Hah, the jokes on him. She may be good in the show room, but you know what she's really like on the road.


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## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

Well I cant kick her out the house is in joint names shes is entitled to be here - she says shes putting the house up for sale on Monday. It is a very large house and inthis market I think it will take a year to sell. 

I'm living through hell.

It's easy to say this guy is gonna end up with a tramp but he is getting a woman 8 years younger than him, she is stunningly beautiful, looks half her age, dresses well is slim and sexy. She is liked by everyone.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, she isn't liked by me. She's a cheater.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

rumple9 said:


> yeh I'm ok just very sad and heartbroken - been to see the doctor and he's given me anti-depressants.
> 
> Ive been begging her and pleading with her to try and sort it out or goto counselling but she just doesnt want to know and says its over and can't be fixed.
> 
> Well its saturday night and she went out and said she was going to her mothers for an hour - that was 5 hours ago so shes obviously out with him. My daughter is sat here crying because her mum won't answer her calls to come home.


Good going. It will take a couple of weeks but you will get to feeling more like you can handle things.

Is there one friend who you can confide in? It would be so helpful. Everyone will know soon so you may as well start reaching out. Go meet your friend for dinner or whatever you do. And let her watch your children. Don't tell her where you are going or who you are going to meet. Let her wonder for a change.

Also, have you told family of her affair yet? It is important to expose the affair.


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## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

Well thats the problem - I have no friends (never really needed any) I have invested all my time in her - I'm not particurlarly a sociable person. I have no family either other than my elderly mother who is in bad health. I have told close colleagues at work who I am friendly with who can confide in but they just tell me to get a grip, man up and move on - easier said than done.

When she goes I have no one.

She has unashamedly told all her friends and family that she is leaving me and is seeing someone else and all her "poisonous friends" are coming out of the woodwork telling her she's doing the right thing, so she's empowered.

For example I can remeber her sister coming up to see us a few years ago gushing about how wonderful I was and OH was so lucky to have me. Since all this happened she has spoken with her sister who said she had never liked me from day one !

All I have at the moment is my 12 year old daughter and she is so close to her mum I'm starting to upset her too.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Come on rumple. Be a man. Don't let this woman treat you this way it's totally unacceptable. She's walking all over you. Come on man, I know it's heartbreaking but get some self respect back and stand up to her. She's treating you like this because you are letting her. She has no respect for you. She thinks she can do what she wants. Show her she can't. Stop begging her and tell her to go. Even if she won't you need to stand up for yourself and stop letting her treat you this way.
Is OM married? Tell his W, tell his family, spoil it for them. Come on you can do it.
For 12 years she has treated you like a room mate, it's time to STOP!!!
Come on. You Can do it!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

Well it seems shes done the 180 on me - she wont speak to me wont look at me and says the only thing she will discuss is me moving out of the houseimmediately and sale of the house. She keeps threatening that if I don't move out she will but she's been saying this three weeks now and she's still here. She also says she will come and go as she pleases , see her "boyfriend" when she wants and doesn't have to answer to me for anything.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Again, why haven't you cut off her access to money, packed her bags, exposed her cheating?

I'm beginning to wonder if you are real since you don't actually take any advice and only give more examples of the horride actions she takes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I'm so glad you have seen the doctor--step 1. Are you exercising? That has to be step 2. You need it for so many reasons. Keep checking in here and you will find advice--some good, some bad, some worth considering that you will eventually discard. That's ok. 

Although you believe right now that this woman is essential to your happiness, she isn't. All you need for happiness is to be satisfied with yourself--to accept yourself for who you are. Please consider counseling so you can get to this point, and then you will never feel so emotionally dependent again. 

Also, make a vow to yourself right now that you will improve your relationship with your daughter, no matter what it takes. The first thing you can do is to stop anything that reflects negatively on her mom--that will always hurt her, whether she "sides" with her mom or with you. No matter what you think right now (and your thinking can be skewed by depression), you are her dad and she will always love you. Commit right now to doing right by her--letting her love both parents and letting her be free of the conflict between you. Start building a stronger relationship by small steps--add 15 minutes/day to the time you spend with her, for example. Focus only on her, and even if she seems unresponsive or hostile, just let her know you are interested in her ideas, interests and thoughts, and that she is now and always will be more important to you than anyone else. If she asks about you and her mom, just tell her gently that is something you grownups have to work out, and you will always be there for her. Make sure she knows she will always have a parent to look after her and it isn't her fault. Kids think this even if they don't say it. Add a few minutes to the time you hange out with her every day, even if it is just sitting with her in a quiet room or reading together--again, small things (maybe cook together). Once you are both comfortable in small time periods, start taking her on outings for the two of you to enjoy together. If you are already at that point, start doing it even more--even if it means really painful things, like having to pick her up at "his" place. Just don't go in. Really focus on your daughter. No matter how much she complains or fights with you about this, keep doing it. It may take years for her to finally get over her resistance to all this change (which she may take out on you), but when she does--she will come to realize what a good man you are for having stood by her all this time, through all the difficult years. You will reap rewards endlessly when she is older. I had to fight tooth and nail with my elder son in his teen years--just a difficult kid--and it was exhausting but we have such an amazing relationship now, I could just cry with joy and gratitude. Trust me, your time invested will not go unrewarded.

So: meds, exercise, daughter. That's enough for now. Good luck.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

rumple9 said:


> Well it seems shes done the 180 on me - she wont speak to me wont look at me and says the only thing she will discuss is me moving out of the houseimmediately and sale of the house. She keeps threatening that if I don't move out she will but she's been saying this three weeks now and she's still here. She also says she will come and go as she pleases , see her "boyfriend" when she wants and doesn't have to answer to me for anything.


If both your names are on the house, the decision to sell it must have both parties agreement, right? So if that is what she wants and you don't, you can put a real stopper on that. Make her jump through all the hoops. As has already been said, if you are the big earner, cut her cash flow off. Number one thing, look after your daughter. If you feel you are not as close to her as your wife...get close. Play your wife at her own game...if you are not sociable and don't want to date....no problem with that at all, but get your own 'me's time and do whatever you want with it. If she wont talk to you in the house..no problem....treat her like she doesn't exist either. If she is truly as self centered as you say, that should get her attention at least.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

She is the cheater. She is doing wrong.
She does NOT get to put YOU out.
I don't know about England, but in the states, if you leave the home, she can get YOU for abandonment, even if she talked you into going. And then you will lose your edge in custody. Dig in your damn heels.

You will be happy again. This is the very Valley Of Darkness itself. You are not alone, you are not wrong, but you are being wronged. And that will continue exactly as long as you allow it. Nip it.
I had (have) my dark days, but I'm still alive. I can't let him win--all he wants is me to "disappear" so he can have the kids, his girlfriend, and his folks' subsidizing his lifestyle. But those are MY kids. This is MY life. I don't need him, or anyone else in my bed for that matter, who doesn't treat me like a person.

Time to get angry, bud. Takes 2 to marry, takes one to leave. Not your fault, but it doesn't have to be you who gets pissed on, either.

Hang in and keep posting. We're here.


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## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

So big argument tonight after days not speaking. She's still going on about how she wants me to move out. I said I will do anything to get us back together but iI'm not moving out as she has done wrong. 

She says she has no feelings for me and keeps going on about her new fella and how much she loves him. She says she's done nothing wrong as we are now finished and she's rubbing my nose in it. Our daughter was crying. She is being so selfish and acting so out of character - I've never seen her like this in the 21 years we've been together. She told me she saw her new fella last night after work and they had sex - this cannot be true because she was home by the time I got home and we both finish at the same time. 

I really fear for her mental health and I think she's going through some sort of mid-life crisis. I've told her anything that's broken can be fixed but she doesn't want to know or even try.

Also if she loves this man so much like she says she does why doesnt't she just move in with him? He's divorced and has his own house.

My life is falling apart.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Sorry you are hurting. You REALLY need to implement these rules:

180 Rules


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Rumple I have been there,in this exact hell.
not sleeping ,not eating ,not drinking,losing so much weight that i looked like i just got back from survivor,thinking my life is over,not wanting to live,thinking of him24/7,constant anxiety ...All of it...I know that pain. 
BUT he left me with a 6 month old baby and 5 yrs old .I had to care for them all alone while feeling like that...it was a pure agony.

I just loved him so much,ready to forgive anything...I was ready to do anything possible so he stays with me...and I did.I did crazy things,things that were really extreme,like begging the other woman to leave him,following him around town to see where he is going..and other crazy things.

My ex is 4yrs younger than me ,extremely attractive,great body,face ,teeth, hair,beautiful blue eyes..lol sorry but just wanted to point this out to you as I see it's important to you and also wanted to let you know that for months I believed I will never be attracted to another guy...there was just no way I would ever be.I was married to him for 10 years and I have never been attracted to another person,it was like when I see him he would take my breath away,in our case we had an amazing sex life,even the day he left me we had sex .
The thoughts of him being with another woman almost killed me and she is 11 years younger than me.Talk about hit on my self esteem.
My ex was not only attractive but was a nice genuine person,very supportive in any way...just a great guy.

The day he left me he turned into this extremely nasty person ,I have never seen him like that.it was awful to see this and as you said i would have preferred him dying then me seeing this.

Well just wanted to let you know that when I finally started moving on I started finding other man attractive,it was amazing.You start looking back into your marriage and as much as I convinced things were great,I could finally see they were not at all.Could they have been fixed...sure ...but he decided to take the easy way out.

Life will go on for you ,you will find other women attractive and her beauty is not everything to a relationship,she doesn't have inner beauty ..you can't see this now but you will.You will grieve for months and i'm so sorry because this is going to be hell for you but you WILL get to the other side and you will see beautiful things.You have a great job,you are still young and will find another partner,someone that will respect you and love you and want you physically and any other way.
Please do not chase her anymore,i did this and is never going to work,let her face reality and if it's meant she might come back to you but you have to let her go NOW.Take care of you ,become this sexy guy that she married years ago,be confident ,be businessy like with her.She will notice ..believe me..I did that and ex noticed at one point.
Be strong for your kid!
Soon your ex will not look as pretty to you to the point where you ask yourself why did you put up with all this for so long.

Im sorry ,you might think that I don't get it that you love her too much but I assure you I am telling you all this because I know.
Please try to eat and now if you're taking meds go to the store and buy Keffir ,they have it at organic milk sections,full with good life cultures and good fat...it'll keep you going.This thing saved me.
hugs and be strong


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## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

Well found some letters and she's up to her eyes in debt - been sued all over the place and theres a letter from November saying the bailiffs are coming in to take all our stuff which is the same time she started this affair.

No wonder she is so deaperate to get me to put the house up for sale.

What the heck do I do now? I haven't confronted her about this yet as she's still not speaking other than to say she loves this other man, she wants to me to move out and the house has to be sold.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rumple, it sounds like she wants you out of the house to sell it fast and so that when the bailiffs come you are not there to see it.

I suppose her debt is your debt, so now you have even more problems on your hands. 

Will they take the house away from you for the equity? Or is the equity needed to pay the debt.

You say that you do not think she's telling the truth about going out with OM last night (or the other night). Are you even sure that he exists? Or is this a story she's made up to hide her debt?


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## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

No he definately exists because of the text messages I've seen she sent to him. I'm now guessing the affair is a knee jerk reaction to her desperate debt problem.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So is this OM going to be paying off her half of the debt?

She's been spending like crazy and when it all caught up to her, she ran away into her fantasy to escape.

Time to expose all for everyone to see. Her debt, her issues,her cheating,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with exposing, about the debt as well. She is running from reality. And she needs reality to settle in on her, her afair and the financial mess she has created.

One of the best ways to end an affair is to put all the pressure of real life on it. Why not suggest to her that she move in with the other man. With her putting that pressure on him, as a signle guy he probably is not ready for her to move in and completely invade his life. If she does move in.. he will most likely be sending her packing within a short time. Most affairs to do not survive the partner's living together very long. (just and idea for you to think about.)

Have you exposed to her that you know about the debt yet?

Legally, is her debt considered community debt?


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## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

I guess she is having a mid-life crisis

Saturday night and shes out again with some old friends getting drunk and staying over at theirs


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## CarolAnn (Jan 5, 2012)

You'd better stand up for yourself before it's too late and she flushes you down the toilet, along with her and the other man.


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## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

I did say to her that she should move in with this man but she says she needs to stay in our house so as not to upset our daughter - he lives about 30 mins away


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## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

Is there anything I can do to make her see sense and stop this break up? I'll do anyhting but all she says is thats shes in love with him


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## mmomof3 (Apr 19, 2011)

If you can swing the house alone, kick her out and do not help with her debts (a judge should be able to see that you were innocent should it come to that). It will push her into reality. Let her know you love her so you are letting her go so she will be happy. If it's done right, you could still have a chance to reconcile should you choose. Pack her things, be generous and include momentos you can part with. Focus on your daughter, she needs you. It does sound like a life crisis of sorts but she is a grown woman and you and your daughter deserve better. Good luck and do keep us all posted. I know it sounds harsh but she needs a reality check.


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## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

Well shes up to her eyes in debt but still going out every weekend to expensive restaurants, pub, cinema with her friends etc.

She says I need tobe a proper man, stop being selfish and focus on my daughter and do whats best for her which, means me moving out because if I don't she will leave with our daughter which will make it hard for her to get to school etc.

I'm so confused - I just want her to stay and we can move on but she says she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with me - it's so hard after 21 years together.


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## mmomof3 (Apr 19, 2011)

You sound like a very kind man, do not let her tell you otherwise. Do what's best for your daughter, which yes means staying in a healthy home (doesn't need to be that home).


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## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

Well still no change - really feel like I'm in limbo at the mo#ment and don't know what to do. I think the anti depression tablets are working. Her OM is away ski-ing this week so she hasn't seen him. She said she was going to put the house up for sale today but I don't think she's done anything about it.

We had the same argument this morning about her wanting me to move out. We have'nt spoken since I came home.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

I'm sorry. I wish I had something helpful for you right now. Limbo is the pits. 

Have you read the 180 and the other go-to scripts on here for dealing with cheating? If not, do it sooner than later. They are quite eye-opening. 

Keep doing what you're doing, best you can. As far as your daughter, it is not your actions that will be the cause for her upset. But it is coming, so get ready. 

Glad to hear you are trying anti depressants. Be strong for your baby. Talk to friends and family. Don't keep it bottled. Don't protect her. Protect you and your child.


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## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

Well we just had a long talk and I now realise it really is over without any chance of reconciliaition. She told me all the things I had done wrong over the years and that she hadn't loved me in a long time, just stayed for our daughter's sake. She says she isn't leaving because of this man she had already decided 6 months ago to finally muster the courage to leave but she had known him for 5 years as he is a patient at the doctor's surgery where she works but he started pursuing her in November.

She says she loves this man and wants to spend the rest of her life with him. They have already made plans about selling our house and selling his and buying a big place together. She wants to remain friends with me after.

She also told me that i am not to touch her any more or have any physical contact at all as we are separated and if I try and hug her she will have me done for assault. I felt awful.

I'm sat here listening to Patti La Belle singing "On my own".

I feel hopeless


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## hamati (Dec 6, 2011)

Rumple, do not buy into her BS. It is because of the OM, why didn't she leave before he started purusing her if she was unhappy?. This is an exit affair.

This identical to my situation, except we don't have children. My stbxw didn't even tell me what I did wrong, but now I see it would have been worthless, seeing as how they are justfying their leaving.

I got the same been decided for 6 months and have to muster the courage. As you can see they are all lies and they follow the same script. The truth is she is as responsible for the breakdown of the marriage as you are. The difference is that another man pursued her and she took the opportunity because she is dishonest. She probably was seeing the OM for longer than she cares to admit.

My stbxw says she was so unhappy with the marriage that she decided to be happy with whatever life gave her. In her case the OM is childhood friend, divorced, jobless and with a child. She thinks the world of him and is even giving him money. There is no logic.

Why would you want to hug or remain friends with someone who has betrayed you?. She wants you to be her doormat. You should have nothing more than a cordial relationship with her because of your daughter.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

Exit affair actually makes sense - I had never considered that. I have told her I will do whatever it takes to make her happy but she says she is simply not interested as this new man is everything that I am not.

Also she is telling all sorts of lies to me and about me to others saying things about the past that are simply untrue - blame shifting (is this what they call gaslighting?)

She even said to me "I am sleeping with someone else why can't you get that through your thick skull".

I guess I really have to call it a day but it is so hard after 21 years.

I can't face living on my own in a flat, buying furniture, not seeing my daughter every day and (eventually) going dating at my age (41)


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## hamati (Dec 6, 2011)

I guess you keep asking yourself.....WHY?. As time goes on (3 months in my case) it is clear even she doesn't have all the answers.

I told my stbxw that I would do everything to make her happy, her answer was of course that she was not interested. My stbxw did not reveal she was having an affair, friends later told me they saw her with the OM.

I'm facing the same feelings as yourself, buying new furniture and living alone seems like a daunting task now. I'm 38.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## idknemore (Jan 26, 2012)

As painful as your story is you need to let her go and worry about yourself and your daughter. I am not sure how things in England work but in the US if your not married she don't get anything and if she works she gets no money either. But as for your daughter prove your OH is not a fit mother- get custody. Do not leave that child with the mother. Imagine if your not around who will care for the child. As hurt as this is for you- you need to move on. Sucide is not he answer remember you have a child and yes the teen years is about friends but she will get out of these year eventually and will need her father. I know I call mine all the time for everything. Please be safe and take care.


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## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

Saturday night again and shes staying at his and she says shes spending the whole day with him tomorrow - I feel so low


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## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

Well she won't communicate with me at all now. Doesn't say hello when I walk in the door. When she passes me in the house she looks down at floor so as not to look at me. 

Last night she was in the bedroom with the door closed talkingt o him on the phone and I could hear her saying when she stayed at his on Saturday, when she woke up on sunday morning and he had gone she was so upset. She was talking lovey-dovey like a 17 year old girl.

This is killing me.


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

rumple9 said:


> Well she won't communicate with me at all now. Doesn't say hello when I walk in the door. When she passes me in the house she looks down at floor so as not to look at me.
> 
> Last night she was in the bedroom with the door closed talkingt o him on the phone and I could hear her saying when she stayed at his on Saturday, when she woke up on sunday morning and he had gone she was so upset. She was talking lovey-dovey like a 17 year old girl.
> 
> This is killing me.


That's exactly the same thing that happened to me last night. My wife walked into the room and leave the room like there's nobody in the house. I woke up at 2 or 3 in the morning to hear her talking to another guy. We are sleeping in separate bedroom.

You need to let her go. I know it's easy to say but hard to do. You need to do it. Don't worry about dating at 41. Because a 45 year-old man took my 29 year-old wife away from me.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

have you stopped her access to your money yet? it would be really hard for her to continue this lifestyle on a part time nurses job! i know you feel as if your lifes in the dumpster right now, but it's time you man up and quit putting up with her crap. and as far as her threating you with assualt charges if you so much as touch her, i would be carring a var on me at all times...cover your butt..


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## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

Well I have never given her any money - I just pay all the mortgage bills and other outgoings - the money she earns is what she spends on clothes and going out - that's hows sh'es run herself into massive debt with store and credit cards.

I'm prepared to forgive and forget because I love her dearly


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