# Fingers Crossed



## ChickWithAWhisk (Jul 21, 2017)

This is my first post. 

I made the decision in April that I will be leaving my marriage. I have a 16 year old son that will be starting his Junior year of HS the end of August so I've made the choice to stick it out until he's graduated and off to college and/or the military. I've been looking for a place to share my feelings and I've got my fingers crossed this is it. I've tried a few other sites, but they've just not worked for me.

I've been married nearly 30 years, my husband is not a monster - he doesn't beat me, he isn't an alcoholic, he's been a good provider, as far as I know he doesn't cheat (although I have my suspicions - but can't cast stones as I'm not innocent in this arena). I do have a comfortable life and am thankful for that. 

We no longer connect on ANY level and I'm lonely. Up until 4 months ago, I had a fairly active social life, I would get together with my gal-pals once a week, belonged to a couple women's groups, volunteered at my son's school. My husband has always been open to me doing things with my friends, and I appreciate that. What causes the loneliness is we rarely do things together, when there are functions that we should go to as a couple more often than not I end up going on my own and on the rare occasion he does go, he never stays for the full event - we take separate cars and he leaves after an hour or so. I'm tired of feeling like a 'single' when I'm half of a couple. I do understand that he's not as keen on going to these types of things as I am, but sometimes we've just got to suck it up and do what we have to do. 

I'm hoping this site will be an place where I can air what I'm feeling and talk about some of my stresses as I execute my plan to leave. It's difficult talking with friends or family about it as they won't understand the 'why' because they all see is this great guy. He is a good guy - just not the right guy for me. 

Thanks!


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Does he have a clue that you are planning this or are you going to surprise him?


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

What is lost can be found if you feel/believe it is worth it... how often do you share your disappointments with him?

Sounds like you both have drifted away, it really doesn't matter who went first or why because the outcome is the same... without time together you cannot have a connection.

I know things change... he was once the right guy, and even if now he is a different guy he could possibly still be yet another different guy to meet the needs of your marriage.

We never look at our own changes, but the above applies to ourselves as well.

As you plan, I hope you don't mind if I throw in different thoughts that may help you be more aware of why you are where you are... not to slow you down but to give you different insight for understanding today much better.

Just as I think I begin to understand, that is usually when I am surprised by awareness the most.


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

ChickWithAWhisk said:


> This is my first post.
> 
> I made the decision in April that I will be leaving my marriage. I have a 16 year old son that will be starting his Junior year of HS the end of August so I've made the choice to stick it out until he's graduated and off to college and/or the military. I've been looking for a place to share my feelings and I've got my fingers crossed this is it. I've tried a few other sites, but they've just not worked for me.
> 
> ...


So you have cheated ?

And your wondering why you don't want to be with your husbnd. Hmm .and then spring it on him after calculating whats best for you.under the guise of waiting for your boy to go off to the service or school.


Sounds ugly when you break it down to the facts.

My advice is if your still cheating to stop. Then go confess to your husband and say I have felt lonley for years and we have grown apart. Let just call it a day and divorce as amacabily as possible for the sons sake.


----------



## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Same here.. Spouse is not a monster just very anxious for me and refuses to work on himself or our marrriage.. This is so frustrating. But I do my best to get out with friends as much as I can to talk and have fun. My boys are in HS and I debated to leave now or wait.. Spouse knows how I feel but doesn't seem to care.


----------



## ChickWithAWhisk (Jul 21, 2017)

@ Broken in Brooklyn, at this time he doesn't know. There are a lot of mitigating circumstances that have kept me from just blurting it out. Whether I tell him him now or a year from now I do think he'll be surprised. If you're asking if I plan to vacate the home and tell him by leaving a note, no I don't.

@ Buddist, you are right what is lost can be found. However, in a marriage it takes both people working toward finding what drew them together in the first place for it to be found again. There have been several attempts; many promises made that have been broken and a general unwillingness to make me part of his world.

@ ChillyMorn, you're 'assuming' those are the facts, some are some aren't. From the tone of your reply, im going to 'assume' you're a scorned spouse, and can appreciate your perspective. The affair ended long before my son came along so that really has no bearing on my decision. He knows I'm lonely, I've expressed my feelings on numerous occasions, yet nothing has changed. An attorney advised me to wait until my son was done with school. It's not as sinister as you want to make it out to be. But, thanks for weighing in.


----------



## ChickWithAWhisk (Jul 21, 2017)

@ CC, sounds like we're walking on the same road. It's not easy finding a support system through this. People only see what we choose to share with them. Until you've lived inside the four walls of someone's home you have NO IDEA what their journey to this place in time has been like. Thank you for reaching out, if you need an understanding, empathetic ear, I'm happy to lend mine.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@ChickWithAWhisk

Do you have a job/career?

I get what you are saying. What's sad is that if you do leave, he will probably be shocked and suddenly willing to make changes.


----------



## ChickWithAWhisk (Jul 21, 2017)

@Ele, yes I do have a job and will be self-sufficient. We separated after 7 years of marriage and you're right, when I told him I was moving out he was shocked and was willing to try. We went to marriage counseling, went through The Forum - reconciled and were on track for several years. Things started backsliding about 8 years ago and completely sank 2 1/2 years ago.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like he got comfortable again and starting slipping back into old habits.

What a shame. Does he recognize that this has happened? Has he give a reason for it?


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

As I have said on all of these walk away spouse threads. It takes two in a marriage. The fact that you are so unhappy and he has no idea may very wall say a lot about you not just him. Did you communicate your feelings? If you didn't or didn't do it effectively that issue is going to follow you to the next relationship eventually. Something is wrong if you can be that unhappy and your spouse doesn't know. Maybe he is just going through the motions for your kids as well. I mean you cheated on him so I doubt he is thinking how great everything is.

Those in glass houses you know.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Chick,

I think you have to be honest with him, maybe he is feeling the same way too?

Is it possible he suspects or know you cheated on him, that would put a huge dampner on the marriage, and make him unwilling to engage in the marriage.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

chillymorn69 said:


> So you have cheated ?
> 
> And your wondering why you don't want to be with your husbnd. Hmm .and then spring it on him after calculating whats best for you.under the guise of waiting for your boy to go off to the service or school.
> 
> ...


My thoughts exactly. At least the OP should her husband know she's divorcing him to give him time to prepare. Let's review, he's been a good provider, lets her go to whatever function she wants, not a cheater or a drinker......but she cheats on him and now wants a divorce. Wow, I can't say I have an ounce of sympathy for her. I hope he finds out she's cheating before she files.


----------



## ChickWithAWhisk (Jul 21, 2017)

To all those focusing on the fact I cheated, please read my previous reply about how long ago that was (nearly 20 years) and try not to judge without knowing all the facts. 

I have so much more to say to those who think I was looking for sympathy and just like those I might go to for support in 'real life' think I'm married to such a great guy. I will stop here. 

All of the badgering about a poor choice I made nearly 20 years ago is why I've left every other site and will leave this one too. I've chosen NOT to talk crap about the man I'm married too, he has a lot of good qualities, but equally he has those that aren't so good. Abuse comes in many forms and it's not always physical.

I came here hoping I'd find a place to share the feelings that go along with leaving a 30 year marriage, regardless of the reason why, without judgement from others. Feels like this place is filled with scorned spouses ready to pounce on anyone that is like their ex. Everyone makes mistakes, those that have strayed shouldn't be given a life sentence because of their poor choice, especially if they're truly remorseful and haven't re-offended. 

Don't judge someone just because they sin differently than you. When you're free from sin, making bad choices and perfect, feel free to cast that stone at my glass house. Rest assured I won't throw one back, my place is to listen, not judge.


Good Luck to all who are here, for whatever reason. I wish you all the best.


----------



## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

Hi, I Hope like me, you;ll find the advice here is second to none. My wife left me 5 sundays ago, citing the same reasons you are thinking of leaving for, it has been bloody hard and at times i have been nearly broken, but i have survived and realised that she was right in her assertions that we grew apart in so many ways that the marriage didn't work at all. Yes, we are fairly well off, want for nothing with a 21 year old son that works full time and stays with me now. I really blew it with her but after many EA over the years the marriage and any trust we had was gone, it was just a matter of time. I would never have left but that was my fault for nearly wrecking my health with her deceit over the years, but i kept it together for our son's benefit. If you reached the end of your marriage then you should tell your husband sooner rather than later, you have to consider his feelings also, he will no doubt be upset, but if handled correctly then at least you can walk away feeling that you did the right thing. My wife;s confession of another EA was out the blue and she left the same night, that i cannot forgive her for, but it made me wake up and start taking my life more seriously and get myself back in the groove, this could be good for both of you if handled right, that really is up to you to communicate your feelings truthfully to your husband, it is all you can do after a long marriage. Keep us all updated and we will offer advice, you will find a lot of honesty here, that we can all be grateful for.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


----------



## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I can understand where you are coming from, feeling lonely in a marriage is tough. 

Talking until you are blue in the face, and see change for a few weeks or months than back to the ho hum. You do what is best for you life is short.


----------



## ChickWithAWhisk (Jul 21, 2017)

@kevin - thank you. I read your post and my heart aches for you and your situation. For the record, I am NOT leaving my husband for another man nor am I having an affair. Lack of communication is a large part of our problem. When I do express how I feel, his comments come across as obtuse, if acknowledged at all. I don't expect him to relate to, or even understand them but I do deserve being listened too and the acceptance that this is how I feel and that those feelings are valid to me.


Advice, constructive criticism, I'm open to and even welcome it. What is difficult for me to handle is judgement based on limited facts of the situation. Ask me questions, I'll answer them honestly but don't throw judgements out without knowing more. I hadn't even been on the site 24 hours and I felt attacked by those that couldn't get past that "one" comment. I've wondered if I left that one bit of truth out, if the responses would have been different.

Thanks for reaching out, I appreciate it.


----------



## ChickWithAWhisk (Jul 21, 2017)

@ Lostme, that's exactly how I feel. After awhile I just give up. I now live "do not speak until spoken too". If I go to start a conversation I say to myself "don't waste your time or breath" (even with a casual topic) and I go on about doing whatever it was I was doing. Shutting down has become my normal response. I don't want to be in a relationship like that. I want the give and take, the ebb and flow. I don't expect him to agree with everything, but at least engage with me. Being ignored is worse than being yelled at - while yelling might be hurtful its still communicating. Being ignored means you don't care enough to spend the time responding.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Someone once told me if you can't change the environment you're in to make yourself happy then change environments.

Bottom line is if you are miserable it's time to change. I was much lonelier when I was married then I ever am being single.


----------



## ChickWithAWhisk (Jul 21, 2017)

@ Cooper - thank you. I can't imagine feeling any more lonely or less connected than I do right now. I suppose I was fooled by thoughts that I'd have a friend for life once I got married....I don't even feel that any more.


----------



## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

ChickWithAWhisk said:


> To all those focusing on the fact I cheated, please read my previous reply about how long ago that was (nearly 20 years) and try not to judge without knowing all the facts.
> 
> All of the badgering about a poor choice I made nearly 20 years ago is why I've left every other site and will leave this one too.



Questions. Does your husband know about the cheating? All of it?


----------



## ChickWithAWhisk (Jul 21, 2017)

@snerg yes he does


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

ChickWithAWhisk said:


> @ Lostme, that's exactly how I feel. After awhile I just give up. I now live "do not speak until spoken too". If I go to start a conversation I say to myself "don't waste your time or breath" (even with a casual topic) and I go on about doing whatever it was I was doing. *Shutting down has become my normal response.* I don't want to be in a relationship like that. I want the give and take, the ebb and flow. I don't expect him to agree with everything, but at least engage with me. Being ignored is worse than being yelled at - while yelling might be hurtful its still communicating. Being ignored means you don't care enough to spend the time responding.


Hey @ChickWithAWhisk, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in how you feel. The bolded above was me as well. My husband and I will have been married for 4 years at the beginning of August, and on June 9th, we separated. I've done a lot of thinking, and while our situations are different, some aspects are the same: the loneliness that I felt in my marriage was hard. I couldn't talk to him about anything without there being an argument, so I stopped talking to him about everything but the very mundane. We lost each other somewhere along the way, and at this point, I wish I'd have separated from him years ago.

I wish you luck with your future decisions, and if ever you need a listening ear, just PM (private message) me.


----------



## pygmalioneffect (Nov 28, 2016)

ChickWithAWhisk said:


> @ Lostme, that's exactly how I feel. After awhile I just give up. I now live "do not speak until spoken too". If I go to start a conversation I say to myself "don't waste your time or breath" (even with a casual topic) and I go on about doing whatever it was I was doing. Shutting down has become my normal response. I don't want to be in a relationship like that. I want the give and take, the ebb and flow. I don't expect him to agree with everything, but at least engage with me. Being ignored is worse than being yelled at - while yelling might be hurtful its still communicating. Being ignored means you don't care enough to spend the time responding.


You're not alone here. I'm in this boat too. I find myself constantly biting my tongue - it's just easier than putting myself out there to either be shot down or belittled or ignored. I feel invisible. I feel like a basic convenience. There to cook, clean, do laundry, pay bills, parent the kids etc etc etc. He has no interest in spending time one on one. Zero desire to be with me because he enjoys my company. It's all required, obligatory time. If I try to make plans to do something fun he finds an excuse to get out of it. If I try to get him to do new things he says he's not into that. We coexist. That is all. 

It's heartbreaking and sad and frustrating and hurtful. It's the exact opposite of everything I thought marriage would be. You are not alone and his treatment of you and your marriage is not acceptable. I wish you luck and happiness as you find your way through this.


----------



## ChickWithAWhisk (Jul 21, 2017)

Thank you Ursula and Pygmalioneffect Thank you for showing me that I'm not on this island alone. Pyg, you have written exactly what I feel. I've spent more than half my life with this man and I can't even call him my friend. We co-exist in the dream house we bought 3 years ago - it's beautiful, but it's not a home. There have been a lot of broken promises and heartache within it's walls. 

I would welcome the opportunity to talk with either one of you via PM or email. We have this in common, perhaps we have other things in common too.

Thanks, again, for your support.


----------



## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

ChickWithAWhisk said:


> @snerg yes he does


Dumb question. Is there a chance that the affair broke him?

I have a buddy whose wife had an affair.
He decided to stay.

He and his wife lived as you describe.

He told me one time while he was very drunk, he couldn't be how he used to be. Every time he looked at her, all he could see was the affair.

Is it possible something like this s going on with your husband?

If this is the case and he can't for what ever pull the trigger to divorce, then you'll need to be the one to do it.


----------



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Chick, it sounds like you have planned out your exit strategy years in advance. But what you have forgotten is that D has the same effects on children at any age. So there is no need to wait if that is what you intend to do.

You also may discover that he is feeling the same way, but realized it was easier to keep living as roommates so as to have a live in maid. 

And I agree with what another poster said. If you admitted infidelity, he will look at you a whole different way the rest of your lives, because there is no denying what you are capable of, given the opportunity. Believe me, I know this first hand. It messes with a guy's head, and impacts his actions towards you.

Could you discribe you communications and interactions with hubby, from before compared to now? And what about sexual bonding?


----------



## ChickWithAWhisk (Jul 21, 2017)

@snerg & Majdeath - 

It could be that it broke him. To give a bigger picture - we separated after 7 years of marriage (my asking) at that time when I looked ahead 5 years I just couldn't see myself being happy in the life he'd carved out for us. When we separated, we put rules on the separation one of which was no dating (the goal was to get back together, not find out if the 'grass was greener' elsewhere) during the separation I met someone that I ended up 'being with'; it wasn't long term and there was no deep rooted emotional connection - in a nutshell we were friends going through the same thing at the same time that ended up in bed together. My husband new of the 'relationship' before we reconcilled. So yes, it could have broken him, but he had an out - we didn't have to get back togther.

I whole heartedly agree that divorce affects children at any age. The adivse was given by a divorce attorney, his reasoning was custody driven. He said if I could hang on two more years then my son would be out of the house and wouldn't have to be split between two homes or choose one home over the other. 

Nice slam Majdeath...Yep, I was capable of being with another man - but more importantly I am capapable and have been faithful since my husband and I reconcilled after our separation.

Since our son came along after we reconcilled, then there's proof of sex in the marriage. Sex doesn't equate to connection; intimacy is emoitional not physical. Men can have sex just to have it; the proof of that comes from your comment about having a live in maid. If that, in fact, is how he sees me then he's capable of having sex with the domestic help with no emotional connection. 

I know he won't pull the trigger on divorce, it goes against the image he needs to portray to his ultra convervative Christian family. I don't want to go through the rest of my life like this so I'm guessing he doesn't either. I'm fine with being the one to end it - it's just as much for his sake as it is for mine. He'll be free to pursue whatever kinds of relationships make him happy.


----------



## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

ChickWithAWhisk said:


> @snerg & Majdeath -
> 
> It could be that it broke him. To give a bigger picture - we separated after 7 years of marriage (my asking) at that time when I looked ahead 5 years I just couldn't see myself being happy in the life he'd carved out for us. When we separated, we put rules on the separation one of which was *no dating* (the goal was to get back together, not find out if the 'grass was greener' elsewhere) *during the separation I met someone that I ended up 'being with*'; it wasn't long term and there was no deep rooted emotional connection - in a nutshell we were friends going through the same thing at the same time that ended up in bed together. My husband new of the 'relationship' before we reconciled. So yes, it could have broken him, but he had an out - we didn't have to get back togther.


:banghead: So rule for separation was no dating and yet you still hooked up with someone?




ChickWithAWhisk said:


> Nice slam Majdeath...Yep, I was capable of being with another man - but more importantly *I am capapable and have been faithful since my husband and I reconcilled after our separation*.


This is a tough one. You have already shown your husband that you maybe capable, but you won't remain (affair during marriage and during separation). I would bet real money that he has pulled away and simply will not let you hurt him any more.




ChickWithAWhisk said:


> I know he won't pull the trigger on divorce, it goes against the image he needs to portray to his ultra conservative Christian family. *I don't want to go through the rest of my life like this so I'm guessing he doesn't either.* I'm fine with being the one to end it - it's just as much for his sake as it is for mine. He'll be free to pursue whatever kinds of relationships make him happy.


This is one of the reasons why lack of real communication is bad.

Have you done MC to find out if there is any connection other than the kid(s)? 
I suspect that the first affair caused him to pull away and start to wall himself off. The person you end up being with during separation probably completed the wall.

I would hazard guess that he has far too much doubt about you and can't allow himself to get close to you for fear of more hurt.

I would say it is fairly evident that you don't want to be with your husband. I would even hazard a guess that you haven't wanted to be with him for the majority of your marriage.

Pull the trigger.
Be fair in the divorce.
Let him go be free to find someone that will love him.


----------

