# A little lost, a little angry, a lot of stuck!



## Bearsmama1

Looking for input for what might be the best next step for my family. My husband and I have been together for 10 years and when we started out I jumped in with both feet with being a parent to my then 3 year old stepson. My husband's ex abandoned their son after meeting someone new. I raised him like he was my very own and our family ran smoothly and all was very good. Four years later I gave birth to a son. It was extremely important that my now 7 year old stepson felt inclusive and supported. I never wanted him to feel less than or replaced. We were very close and I wanted to keep our special bond. My husband travels overseas ALOT and so it was always just us two. During the years his bio mother had little to no involvement with my stepson sometimes going years without contact. After the birth of his brother his behavior change in school and he started acting and being aggressive. 

It was a 3 year battle before he was diagnosed with have learning disabilities and ADHD. The effortless loving relationship I have turned into a nightmare. He began Bing eating and stealing. Lying about everything and refusing to do his work in school. Nothing was helping and it started escalating. The next 3 years was hell on Earth. Slamming door calling me names stealing lying fighting in school. He was getting kicked out of relatives homes for taking things. All while my husband traveled for work and the stress forced me into an almost break down. During this time I spend almost all of my time at his school doctors appointments therapy. I was total consumed! His acting out caused such stress in our home I was barely speaking to my husband or my mother in law because of they made me feel like I wasn't supported. His brother whom is a gifted student couldn't get much attention because we were exhausted from the daily grind. Now at 13 it has hit the peak. He stole from a school fundraiser and we had to pay all the money back. I had to leave my job to make sure he could be supervised before and after school. After he made a threat to harm a class mate. My husband and I are so close to pulling out hair out. We are following what the doctors say and nothing is getting better. 

I gave birth to my daughter the year he entered middle school. Things had calmed down and I thought we were getting my sweet boy back. I then found out he had been stealing money out of my purse and he got caught steal from a store. He ran away from home 3 times and the police had to be called. He was taken into a facility after he jumped from a second floor window. When he was released with adjusted medication he was fine so i thought. When told no by me he went to school and told a guidance counselor I was abusing him. Social services came to my home and the investigation started. For months and months I lived in fear of the other two children being removed. I am so angry at him my husband I just want to take my kids and leave. I refuse to have him in the house out of fear after he told his brother he was going to burn the house down. I packed all of his things and sent him to his grandfather (my husband's dad) I can't take this! I know that i did nothing wrong but the feeling of people making me guilty and me having to prove that I didn't abuse him is insanity, no broken bones no marks im at every parent conference doctor dentist appointment and this is what I deserve? My husband and I are room mates at best. The love feels lost and my fear is for the other two children. 

I refuse to see or speaks to the child until I am cleared because I don't know what else he might say. Just thinking about him or my husband sends me in a rage almost, then full on tears and regret. I don't want to deprive my children of their father but I do not want to live with their brother. I have always been a strong believer of if you love a partner you must love their kids. Package deal no excuses but now I just have bad feelings and dont see a way out for me to ever be happy. I'm now on blood pressure pills and something for anxiety. My life is out of control and our family has taken sides. I'm expected to get over this because he's the kid and let him come home. I feel like the love i had for husband had been damaged beyond repair because of his lack of actions to help me. Am I selfish for not wanting him back.


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## Faithful Wife

In your case, I would take your kids and leave. And don’t go back unless the rest of your SS’s family have figured out how to safely parent him without your involvement.

And I say this as someone who raised a step child and adopted her...however, we had no such problems (though I did raise 2 kids through teens and we did definitely had problems. Just not that kind). I’m not saying ever to run out on a child. But teenagers can be truly dangerous and you need to protect yourself and your other kids.

Do you have anywhere you can go? Where are your parents, or siblings? Can they take you in while you find a place? Just grab them and some clothes and go.


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## EleGirl

{{{HUGS}}}

My heart goes out to you. A lot of what you are going through is similar to the situation that I had when my step children were younger. 

They were 10 and 12 when I married their father. My son was 10. 

Their mother had walked out on them about 3 years before this. The very fact that their mother abandoned them caused the children a lot of problems. My step-daughter and step-son basically turned my and my son's life upside down. My step-daughter had a lot of destructive behavior issues like cutting, being suicidal, and constantly fought every rule we tried to set in home.

My step-son's behavior was much like your step-sons' behavior. He also tried to get me in trouble with social services. They investigated and realized that he was not telling the truth (thank goodness). He spent much of his high school years in an institution because his behavior got him in legal trouble. He was released when he was a senior. To be honest he had just learned how to work around the system. 

He's 32 today and still a huge problem.

I'm not going to go into more detail because this is not about me. I just want you to know that I have some idea of what you are dealing with.

I respect you for believing that you should love your step-son as you own. The problem is, as you have learned, that some children have serious problems and can destroy their family. 

In retrospect I wish that I had walked away with my son. That's were my focus should have been. He was badly affected by his two step-siblings. My son is 30 now and doing well and refuses to have anything to do with his step-brother for very good reasons.

I agree with Faithful Wife. You need to get yourself and your children out of this situation. You are the one person who they rely on to keep them safe. Yes, they have their father. But he's not there a lot of the time. 

The only other alternatives I can see are

1) either to find a relative who is willing to take him, sometimes this change works with a child who is acting out.

2) or send him to a school or institution that handles children serious behavior problems.


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## lifeistooshort

How exactly would they be deprived of their father more then they already are if he's gone all the time?

You have a duty to protect your kids. Take them and go.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Wow, this is a bad of a falsely accused Mom as I've ever read an article about. 

Good, luck, and hang in there. 

Protect your kids, have no contact with lying kid, force his family to now take the abuse and accept total responsibility, without your help.

Best of luck.


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## SunCMars

Children born of chemically dependent mothers often display aberrant behaviors.
Some never subside. More studies are needed here.

Also, the fruit, when dropped, does not roll far from the tree. 
Genetically, speaking. 

Some behaviorism's are heritable.

Was the birth mother a 'sad sack' or a user of drugs?





[THM]- THRD


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## Bearsmama1

Faithful wife thank you for your response it really made sense and im glad this is not a place of judgement. I do have my family and most have decided to side with staying put and sticking it out for the better if the step son. They feel like im the mother and need not to give up on him. I know i can't stay here if something happens to one of the other kids would be my fault for staying put. I won't do that to them.


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## Bearsmama1

EleGirl you are spot on. Abandonement by the bio mom cause some damage all the love i give could not heal. It also didn't help my husband travels for work. I've done what i could with counseling and being there but I feel like I have reached my limit with this social services involvement. I know they have a job to do but I do not rest easy at night.


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## Bearsmama1

Yes bio mom is bipolar and does not take her medications. She is violent and was jailed for stabbing my now husband when he tried to leave her. Did i mention she gave birth to three more children that she kept in her custody? I know he has a lot of strikes against him and is hurting from all of the above.


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## EleGirl

Bearsmama1 said:


> Yes bio mom is bipolar and does not take her medications. She is violent and was jailed for stabbing my now husband when he tried to leave her. Did i mention she gave birth to three more children that she kept in her custody? I know he has a lot of strikes against him and is hurting from all of the above.


My step kid's mother is bipolar as well. Every few years she spends a couple of months in a mental hospital. At the time she abandoned the kids, she was also shooting up heroin and drinking a LOT. She would talk to the kids once every few months on the phone. And she came out here (She lives in FL, we live in NM) to see the kids twice in all the time while they were growing up.

One of the issues with the kids is that they kept blaming themselves for her leaving. They would cry because they thought she left because they were bad. They thought that she did not love them. I used to tell them that she loves them in the only way she knows how. But that her way is not what children need. They had to have some sense that she loved them, even if it was a tiny drop.

About 4 years ago my step-daughter went to see her mother because her mother was very ill and in the hospital. Since then, she has been living with her mother. While her mother still has her job, she's needs a lot of help. So my step-daughter is now her mother's keeper. It angers me that the woman who abandoned her is now the taking away the years of her 20's.... she turns 30 in November.

It's amazing how much children identify with their birth parents, even if the parent abandons them. It can break something inside them. 

Also, your husband being gone most of the time probably makes your step-son feel that for the most part, both of his birth parents abandoned him.

The thing with children is that they do not have the ability to express their emotions. So instead they act them out. Your step-son's anger and confusion manifests in his bad behavior.


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## EleGirl

Bearsmama1 said:


> EleGirl you are spot on. Abandonement by the bio mom cause some damage all the love i give could not heal. It also didn't help my husband travels for work. I've done what i could with counseling and being there but I feel like I have reached my limit with this social services involvement. I know they have a job to do but I do not rest easy at night.


It's pretty scary when social services gets involved. I think they mean well but they don't always reach the right conclusion. For that reason, I agree with you that things have escalated to a new level and you have to take this very seriously.

What are you thinking of doing now?


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## 3Xnocharm

Your husband has more or less abandoned you, leaving the responsibility of HIS child squarely on YOUR head. When all is said and done, it is up to HIM to take care of these issues. I agree with the others who are suggesting that you take your two kids and get the hell out. Screw what anyone else thinks, how crappy of everyone to put this all on you! No matter how much you love him, you cant fix him, and you need to keep your other two safe and healthy, they count too. And they deserve a much better home environment than they will ever get if you stay in this.


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## frusdil

Fellow stepmum here, also with a difficult teen and an absent bio mother. My heart goes out to you too.

Anyone telling you to suck it up/what about the child/how could you etc. Tell them to go suck a fat one. THEY HAVE NO IDEA what it's like.

In your shoes, if the situation escalated to a level where I was at risk of losing my own children there would be no hesitation in moving out. It's for YOUR own safety.

That's not to say it needs to be permanent, the boy is troubled and needs help, we all get that. Ideally, you'd all work toward reunification of the family. But you can't risk losing the other children for the sake of this one in the meantime.

Much love mama x


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## highwood

This is why they say that step parenting is difficult.

I agree with the other posters, your concern is your children, take them and leave. I would not be in this situation not worth it.


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## notmyjamie

It sound to me like maybe your stepson also has bipolar. It presents differently in children than in adults and can make the teenage years a living nightmare for the parents. My younger half sister is bipolar and my father eventually had her put in a home for kids with mental health issues. She stayed there for a few years and then moved back home when she was more stable. She is now married, with 2 children and doing very well. She takes her medications without incident as she knows she needs to be there for her girls. She's a very loving and involved mother. I'd call her a success story. My mother was also bipolar and also a success story. People can do well with treatment with this disease if they are motivated to follow the treatment plan.

Has your stepson seen an actual psychiatrist or just a therapist? If not, he needs to see one as soon as possible. There is family history there and the sudden change in his behavior is alarming.

In the meantime, I think if he is posing a threat to you and your children, you might want to go be someplace more safe. I'm so sorry for all you're going through. Seems unfair to have the right attitude and be so devoted to your stepson and have him turn on you this way. 

*hugs*


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