# getting on with life



## cabin fever (Feb 9, 2012)

Little background. 

Been married 7 years, together for 11. We have a 10y/o boy. 
Lots of friends, thought we had a great marriage, even had friends tell me how great my wife is, and that I was a lucky man. When I told them about the affair they were speechless, and said they couldn't believe it would ever happen to us (both my friends, and her friends said the same thing) 

this all started about 3 years ago. He sister (whom she is very close with) had an affair with one of my friends. When I found out I got pissed, and didn't want anything to do with either of them (her sister, or my friend, both of whom were married) They finally ended it, but I was always worried about my wife hanging out with her sister from that point on. I bascially lost all respect for her (and my friend) from that point on. 

My wife swore it would never to happen to us, and she was not her sister. Ok, so I thought. 

My wife was fired from 3 different jobs simply for not going to work. No excuses, she just didn't want to go (I have held the same job for 12 years, and work hard to provide for my family. I take pride in my job, but not to the extent that it comes before my family. Ever. It kinda pissed me off, but I figured I would work harder to make things work, I picked up side jobs here and there to make sure our quality of life didn't change. 

Ok, so in April of 2011 I found a really bad text message on her phone from someone I didn;'t know. I confronted her, and she said it was all a joke, and no big deal. Said it was a class mate (she is going back to school for a career change) She even had this azzholes name as a girl to throw me off. I guess I didn't want to believe it, so I let her talk her way out of it. Over the next few months I found more evidence, and i was convinced something was going on. 

finally the day after our 7 year anniversary, I found the emails, that confirmed it. She was actually with this guy, when I called and told her I knew everything. She didn't come home for 4 hours afterwards. 

this was in September. I simply lost it. I loved her with all my heart, and I was heart broken. She simply said she was sorry for hurting me, but that we didn't communicate, and that was why she did it. WTF?:scratchhead: She said she met him at a bar (with her sister of course) My wife hardley ever drinks, so there was no doubt in my mind that the 2 of them had 1 thing on their mind when they went out that night. (btw I was out of town working, when this happened) 

The next week was complete and utter hell for me. I couldn't sleep, eat, or do anything. In the mean time she keep seeing this guy, and bascially said she wanted a divorce. I didn't but after weeks turned to months, I finally said fine, I'm done, and started moving on. I started taking a lot more pride in myself. For the first time I started putting mysefl before her, and started doing what I wanted, when I wanted, and included my son in everytthing I could. 

Fast forward to the beginning of December, I have picked myself back up, and accepted the divorce, and told myself I deserve better. Then she starts showing hints of wanting to get back togehter (our divorce was just getting started) at first I wanted nothing to do with it, as I was single and ready to mingle! The more I thought about it, I started to reconsider, and we eventually started talking more and more, and finally decided to stay together. so bascially since the middle of December we made the commitment to work it out. 

I am still paranoid that something is going to happen, and she is going to end up doing it again. I have been checking emails, and phone records, and have found no evidence of her contracting this guy, or vice versa. She has made an honest effort to do the things I asked, but I am afraid its me that might not be able to get past this. 

What do I do to make myself get over this? I have never been hurt like this before, I swore to myself I would never get to that dark of a place again. I am afraid I will never be able to let my gaurd down,and move on. I'm also afraid to confront my wife about this. I know its wrong,but not sure how to talk about it, or move on.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

My wife and I married 21 years ago. Three years into the marriage she had a two month long physical affair with on old boyfriend. She cried, begged and screamed for me not to divorce her. I agreed to reconcile and spent the next two years and about $25k on therapy to get my head screwed on straight again. 

The next 18 years "seemed" fine and dandy, until two weeks ago when I discovered four months worth of e-mails between my wife and a guy in San Diego: sex talk, nude pictures, her telling him what an *sshole I am... the works. 

After I confronted her she went to go stay with her sister, then on February 3, even after being busted and knowing it would kill me, she flew to S.D. to meet with him and consumate their affair. 

Don't do it my friend. Your wife is setting you up for more pain down the road.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

You do know she only wants to reconcile because she realises what she's lost not because she's genuinely remorseful? a person in her position would've been pro reconciliation 200% from D-day if she genuinely valued you. Turned out the OM wasn't up to scratch and so I guess she settled. Also you need to stop blaming her sister, your wife is a grown woman who made a concious decision to ruin what was a very good husband to her for seemingly very selfish reasons. 

I hope you made the right decision.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

If, two months into reconciliation, you can't talk about it with her, then you've allowed her to rug sweep. Given that it took her months to decide to give up her affair, that's not a good sign.

The fact is, you will never get over this. You will never blindly trust your wife again. And you shouldn't. She didn't just get drunk one time and oops, something happened. She went looking for a man, found one, pursued him, didn't stop once you found out, and then eventually decided that you were the better option.

So, if you want to feel better about the state of your relationship, you need to become an expert snoop. Put a GPS tracker in her car. Put spyware on her phone. Put a voice-activate recorder under the seat of her car. Put a keylogger on her PC. If all these sources tell you that she's not engaged in an affair, then you can be pretty confident that she's remaining loyal. For now.

Good luck.


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## Bugz Bunny (Nov 28, 2011)

I'm sorry that this happened to you but I will be honest with you:
I dont get it why are you reconciling and not only reconciling but rug sweeping too...

Your wife disrespected and humiliated you and your family in the worst way...first she cheated and then after Dday she continued until you had enough of her ****...her cheating after D day is the most hurtful and disrespecting thing in my opinion...

And you are her back up plan...she chose not to divorce because you are her meal ticket and not because she loves you...

You will have mind movies for a long long time,you will never forget what she did to you,you will pay a lot of money on MC,IC and self help books,and you will never trust her as before and whenever she is late you will wonder were she is and is she telling the truth...If you decide to reconcile you will live a miserable life at least for the next 2-5 years...

My advice is to divorce her and instead of paying for MC,IC and self help books to spend this money on your child...and when you get better from this shame of a marriage find yourself a nice women that will respect you...

Whatever you decide I wish you the best...

Good Luck


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Man, this is hard to read. You need to get a VAR, and put it somewhere you think she might have a secret conversation, like the car, by the bed, etc. So many people on here have had IDENTICAL stories to yours, where the wife wouldn't give up the OM for some time, then suddenly gets scared straight or changes her mind.

And in a LOT of those cases, they just took the affair underground. Many of the people utilized a VAR to catch them underground. Your case smells just like these - ignore this advice at your own risk.

Even though my wife and I are 9 months past DDay and things are going decently well, I still entertain getting a VAR even though she's been "clean" for the last 8 of those 9 months...just to be sure. But I haven't yet. You definitely should. I wouldn't be surprised AT ALL if she was still talking to him. You are her meal ticket - why would she give that up?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> What do I do to make myself get over this? I have never been hurt like this before, I swore to myself I would never get to that dark of a place again. *I am afraid I will never be able to let my gaurd down,and move on.* I'm also afraid to confront my wife about this. I know its wrong,but not sure how to talk about it, or move on.


If you want to reconcile, you absolutely must tell her this. That's the only way to work through it. I'm not suggesting you _should _work through it, but your relationship won't change unless you do. So you have to talk about it. Write it in a letter if you can't say the words.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

First off don't commit to anything, reconciliation or divorce, and let her know that and also that until further notice the marriage is on probation with no date time stamp. If you find that she even has the slightest of contact with the OM and she doesn't come forth without you discovering it, then tell her it is over and that she'd better get ready to find herself a place to live.

As far as work is concerned, don't allow her to be without a job. She has lived off you for many years and that has allowed her to play around. *It is time that she grow up and get herself a job. No job, no marriage.* This should be a non-negotiable condition for you to even reconsider the possibility of reconciliation. Tough love my friend, tough love.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

That's always the problem after an affair. 

Even if you reconcile you can never ever be sure it's not going to happen again so you're always looking for warning signs. You can never fully relax and trust again no matter what the WS has to say about it because their actions are much louder than their words. 

Unless you can just throw caution to the wind and accept that it could happen again and just enjoy the time together but mentally prepare yourself but then what's the point of it all?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I don't get it either. Have you both been tested for STD's? Did you contact the OM's significant other? What were the consequences of her actions? It sounds like she knew she could horribly betray you and your marriage and screw this guy when she wanted because she knew down deep you would forgive her. If the roles were reversed do you think she would have been as accepting as you have been? It really sounds like she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Bugz Bunny said:


> I'm sorry that this happened to you but I will be honest with you:
> I dont get it why are you reconciling and not only reconciling but rug sweeping too... *It will cost you a lot in future, Read the thread of struggling4evr.*
> 
> Your wife disrespected and humiliated you and your family in the worst way...first she cheated and then after Dday she continued until you had enough of her ****...her cheating after D day is the most hurtful and disrespecting thing in my opinion... *If she had a trace of respect or love for you she should have never done this to you even after D day, your wife is a terrific SL*T.*
> ...



*Reconciling without true remorse, and consequences is suicidal for you[*/COLOR]


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You will be an idiot if you get back with her and probably deserve the betrayal that will soon follow. I don't even have to explain why. 

The End


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

No consequence, no contrition. Its sad that so many people go through the whole process from finding out, being disrespected, left for the POSOP, skrew till they're board and bummed they aren't being provided for. They want their meal ticket back. And the disrespected, jilted spouse takes them back. Then they come here and ask, "can I ever get over it?" The answer is probably not. She still has the same sister, the same disrespect for you, the same entitled attitude about helping you with the expenses. Let me ask you, what's changed? You took her right back. How long was it before she stopped schtumping him, and jumped back into bed with you? I mean was it an epiphany? Did she just jump up after sex, and say, damn that sucked, I'm going back to my husband. DUDE SHE WAS SKREWING THIS GUY ON YOUR ANNIVERSARY. WHAT THE HE77 ARE YOUR FUTURE ANNIVERSARIES GONNA BE LIKE? YOUR ANNIVERSARY!?!?!?


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

I second Gabriel, get a VAR, and install a keylogger for a good measure.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Do you have passwords to her phone, emails , texts, computers etc.? Use a VAR from Best Buy Walmart etc in her car or where she might go to hide and talk like the bathroom. First you have to make sure she is not/ does not cheat.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Then have her read the wayward spouse instructions. Accordingto the requests for it it does seem to help alot.

Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

The weasels who are getting rich with the divorce game will take enough money for their services that you probably can't afford a VAR. You already know she couldn't care less if you get run over by a train tomorrow, she's already been caught doing what she really wants to do, so FILE and let her cheat on the next guy.
NOTHING can ruin your health quicker than trying to make a living while you are wondering who might be soiling the sheets on your bed, at home.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Hey Cabin Fever, is that it?


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## cabin fever (Feb 9, 2012)

sorry, I kinda forgot about this thread. Guess I was triggering that day. 

Anyway. I appreciate all the opinnons. Things are still going well. I have passwords, etc, and monitor the phone. There has been no contact that I can tell of. She continues to show her remorse, and has said she is commited to fixing the hurt I feel. She is in communication with me all the time (texts, calls, etc) and is always inviting me to where ever she goes, or at least makes sure I know where she is, etc. I havn't asked for this, so I can only assume she is doing it to ease my mind? We have been spending alot of time to tegether, and she is limiting the time she spends with her sister (she knows how I feel about her) 

1 big step I have taken, is I did write her a letter telling her how I was feeling (this was huge for me) i am not the mushy spill your feelings out, etc. (part of the problem, she claimed after D-Day) I watched her read the letter, and it was hard to judge, but her eyes started watering, and she walked right over to me, and hugged me kissed me. I guess thats a good thing. 

She is currently looking for a job, altough I have had to nudge her a little to be a little more proactive at it, but she has done everything I have asked. 

I have not contacted the OM at all even to this date, although I did tell her a few weeks ago, if he ever came back into the situation, not only would she be served ASAP, but I would do everything in my power to ruin his life as well. I have as much info on this guy as I ever need. Home, work, friends, etc. I even knew his F'n softball schedule. 

so right now, its in my head. I don't think anyone can set a timeline on when you get over something like this. In fact I told her I was planning to forgive, but never forget. I don't want to forget, so I can make sure I change what ever cuased it to happen in the first place. 

I guess that is odd, I want to forget, but I refuse to forget, huh?

anyone, I continue to monitor this board, mostly just lurking, but put my .02 in when I see something I can relate to. 

Again, I see where everyone is coming from, and I appreciate the opinnons. If she strays again, I have peace in that I know I have done everything I could to save my marriage. I am willing to give her a 2nd chance, but there will not be a 3rd. 

I like this quote. 
Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, fool me 3 times.........well there ain't gonna be a 3rd time.


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