# no birthday present, how upset would you be?



## nader

I am just not sure what to make of this now. 
In all fairness, she cooked a nice dinner, and we had some great birthday sex and some quality pool time with the baby. I got greeting cards and some (Father's Day) baloons She didn't 'forget' my birthday. 

On my birthday, a week ago today, she said, I forgot your birthday was two days before my next paycheck, so I need to get paid before I get you what I was going to get you.

A few nights later we went out for dinner. She offered to pay because she "feels bad for not getting you anything." She could tell I was a little distraught, and when she asked why, I said, "really, you didn't get me anything?" She said "it just hasn't happened yet," and I left it at that.

this morning I brought it up.. she said she has "no idea what to get me," which really stung because a) I'm her husband, and b) I've mentioned several things that I would like.

Last year she got me a really cheap guitar - it was all we could afford at the time - and I wanted to be happy but it literally tore my fingers up when I tried playing it. I've played some cheap guitars before, but NOTHING like that. It was a sweet gesture but I had to gently explain that a guitar is really personal and something to save up for, and something you need to pick out yourself. Yet she always brings up that I never play this guitar; I mention that I've been meaning to replace the strings, etc. but, well, the beat up guitar I have now is probably nicer than this one. 

So a year later, this is the reason that she has "no idea" what to get me. I'm feeling all butthurt right now. I don't care what she gets me, but I'd like to feel important enough for her to care more. She could have talked to anyone in my family for ideas, she could have researched online, she could have remembered any of the things I'd mentioned - any number of things. 

To hear a week after my birthday "I just don't know what to get you," that really stung.

I feel strange being so bothered by this, and I think there is a double standard. Men are expected to deliver birthday miracles every year, without fail. The cliche marital cardinal sin is for a man to neglect his wife's birthday/anniversary/etc. To forget the date or to get her the wrong thing. I _love_ trying to surprise and delight my wife and trying to top what I did the last time. 

And I know that if I said that to my wife "I just don't know what to get you" _a week after her birthday,_ how well would that have flown? Yet she has this way of making _me_ feel bad for being bothered by this. I would have even been ok with no gift, maybe more sex. Maybe getting friends together for drinks. I guess what bothers me most is that the story keeps changing - I just need to get paid first; I have something planned but it hasn't happened yet; and suddenly - "I have _no idea_ what to get you!"

I just feel really cruddy. My parents got me an iPhone, which takes out some of the sting. Scratch that - I love my new iPhone!!! But at 32, I should be bragging on my wife, not my parents.


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## Mavash.

nader said:


> And I know that if I said that to my wife "I just don't know what to get you" _a week after her birthday,_ how well would that have flown?


Make a mental note to do the exact same thing to her on HER birthday. And when she gets pissed just stand there like you have no earthly idea what she's talking about.


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## ScaredandUnsure

Aww I'm sorry 

I felt bad because this Father's Day, I really had no idea what to get my guy. So I got him a couple of shirts, a feather rose, a worry stone and a love frog mirror magnet. This year I was at a loss


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## YinPrincess

As for the guitar thing - I would feel a little confused about what to get you in the future, if I got you something I thought you'd enjoy and you said it was something you needed to pick out for yourself...

If she's honestly confused, just make a suggestion to her about what you would like and let her get it for you... 

Happy birthday, by the way! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nader

> As for the guitar thing - I would feel a little confused about what to get you in the future, if I got you something I thought you'd enjoy and you said it was something you needed to pick out for yourself...


the guitar was a delicate situation altogether. I can't play an unplayable instrument just to show my gratitude. Yet I was the one who felt terrible 



> If she's honestly confused, just make a suggestion to her about what you would like and let her get it for you...


I've done this already. I am half tempted to go on Pinterest and make a 'wish list' board to send her, but that just takes the fun out of it. The best birthday present from her right now would be anything that lets me know that she cares and she's paying attention.


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## YinPrincess

I totally get the "sucky" gift thing... My husband isn't the greatest at it, either!

Let me tell you - one time before we were married he called to say that he got a surprise for me on his way over... I was jubilant!! I love surprises!!

Well, when he arrived, he pulled out of a grocery shopping bag the most HIDEOUS green button down shirt I have EVER seen in my LIFE!! To say I was disappointed was an understatement. It is UGLY and nothing anywhere NEAR my style of clothing!!!

But you know what? I put it on and wore it all day. I was still ecstatic that he was thinking of me when he bought it! 

Another time, the DAY BEFORE WE WERE TO GET MARRIED, he called from work and said they'd had a jewelry sale and that he'd gotten me a surprise... Since we didn't have wedding rings to exchange, I immediately thought, "maybe he got us some cheap rings for the ceremony!" But by this time, I knew him well enough... Sure enough when he came over he presented me with a HUGE gaudy purple bracelet (this thing is two inches thick and comprised of interwoven quartz stones)... YIKES! But again, I was delighted at his thoughtfulness...

See where I'm going here? Some people don't have a clue when it comes to picking out gifts... But the thought is truly what matters. The fact that they thought of YOU when they picked it out is the most important thing!!

Still think a cheap guitar is an awful gift? Here are some other things my husband has gotten me that sucked a whole lot more;

Deodorant. A Beethoven tape (and I don't have a cassette player). A bar of soap. (Well, at least it was a good kind  ). A bag of aluminum cans... (I recycled and he didn't at the time - and he saved his cans for me for a whole week instead of throwing them away - just for me!!) LoL!

The gifts I've gotten him? A satellite radio system. A cd player for his car. Dinner at Red Lobster. A gift certificate for Barnes and Noble... Etc.

Remember that how you receive a gift is very important to the giver... If you make them feel bad or you aren't gracious, they could honestly be confused about what to get you next time. Even if it's something you say you want! (Like a guitar)!

Hang in there... And be glad you didn't get a bar of soap or a bag of cans! LoL!! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eowyn

Some people are different than others. They express their love in different ways, and can also get discouraged by little things. I would say, try to focus on the things she tried to do in order to make you feel special on your b'day. Do you think she put in enough thought process in rest of the things other than the gift itself? Couple of things could be behind this ..

1. Does your W come from a family where people are not that expressive? What does she expect you to do on her b'days? Does she expect surprise gifts etc? Does she get upset if you don't get her gifts on b'day or other occasions?

2. The criticism about guitar might have had bigger impact than you think, especially if she was trying to go beyond her comfort zone (financially/mentally) to get the guitar for you. I think her comment about "don't know what to get you" probably comes from the guitar episode. Probably she doesn't feel confident enough to get something for you that she feels you might be able to appreciate - especially if she has to compete with an iPhone, and looks like she has some monetary constraints 

I would say, try to focus on the things she did right on your birthday. Ask yourself if she loves you or not based out of her day to day communication with you. If the answer is Yes, do not get so upset over the gift issue. Try to see what is reasonable to expect of her as far as your gift goes, and convey what you expect gently without being too pushy. Appreciate whatever she does or gets for you eventually and try to avoid criticizing as much as possible.


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## eowyn

YinPrincess said:


> Hang in there... And be glad you didn't get a bar of soap or a bag of cans! LoL!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:rofl: :rofl:

I agree with YinPrincess... it is the sentiment that matters more than the gift itself!! My H is not that great at buying gifts as well, so he asks me what I want.. I give him few options and he orders online  There is no element of surprise which I would have preferred, however I really appreciate the sentiment as well as the gift itself, and anything else he does for my b'day to make me feel special  

:birthday:


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## LovesHerMan

Nader:
Your love language is gifts, and that is how you feel cherished by your wife. She, on the other hand, does not value gifts, and so she does not have the imagination to come up with ideas about what you would like.

I know that telling her what you want takes the fun out of a gift, but at least you will get something that you enjoy. I would give her a list of things that you want, and links to websites for her to order things for you. Can you set up reminders on her phone or e-mail that your birthday is coming up? I would also come right out and tell her how important this is to you, that you do not feel loved when she ignores important dates.


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## somethingelse

An act of kindness and generosity should be given freely and at ones own will. It is unconditional. Give freely, and never expect anything in return. What would be the point in giving something to someone, and expecting them to react with giving you something back? That doesn't exactly reveal a genuine person. 

On another note...I understand how you might feel neglected by your wife. If you're saying she would expect a nice gift, and doesn't seem too active trying to show her willingness to give to you, then I would say she's not truly a giving person, rather a taker. 

However...when you said she bought you the guitar last year, and you hate it. I could see her feeling a little insecure with buying you things now. She might feel as if nothing she buys you will make you happy and that your expectations are high. 

Sometimes it's the thought that someone puts into a gift. Remember that she may not be the best gift picker. But try to understand that she bought you that guitar out of love, with the money she had. Which is a very loving gesture.


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## somethingelse

Here's something to think about....

I'll use church as an example.

A young man walks into church and donates $500 to their monthly funds out of his abundance and wealth.

An old woman walks in, barely scraping by, she's on pension and still has to pay for bills, food, transportation, can't work because she's too old, no other money coming in...etc.....she puts $50 into the churches monthly funds.

Who gave more in this situation ?


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## nader

It's never occurred to me that gifts are my love language, because I am a touch/affirmation guy. It's the evasiveness/procrastination/nonchalantness that bothers me the most. If she had let me know early on that she didn't know what to get me, we could have talked about it _before_ my birthday. Or, I can't get you anything this year so I'm going to (all kinds of adult stuff) instead. I am *not* high maintenance or difficult to please. I just want to feel important/respected/loved.

The guitar episode hasn't had an impact on other gift-giving occasions since then. She got me some really nice stuff for Christmas, our anniversary, etc. I feel like it's an excuse or defense mechanism. Like maybe she knows she's in the wrong here and it's easier to just bring up past wrongs than to apologize.



> 1. Does your W come from a family where people are not that expressive? What does she expect you to do on her b'days? Does she expect surprise gifts etc? Does she get upset if you don't get her gifts on b'day or other occasions?


She is definitely a gift-oriented person and I think sometimes she overdoes it, especially around Christmas. She took a week off just to plan our son's first birthday party. She never lays out her expectations for herself, but I do my darndest not to disappoint. Because, you know, she's my wife!

I've never *not* gotten her anything! For our last anniversary I sort of copped out; money was tight, I had one thing in mind but then decided to go with a less expensive photo frame of some wedding pics. I left it sitting on the couch so she would see it when she got home. She was underwhelmed and disappointed, when I had meant to surprise her by setting it out so she would "find" it. She was so upset that I just went ahead and ordered the more expensive thing I was going to get her - which she loves and uses every day.

So that's another thing she brought up. My haphazard presentation. My defense: at least it wasn't a week late.


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## Ano

Remember, money can't buy love. You said she made you dinner and gave you sex....and you guys spent the day as a family swimming. Since when did items bought replace the stuff that really matters? She made an effort..in the bedroom and cooking you dinner...be appreciative of what she did..and don't focus on what she hasn't "bought".


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## Drover

nader said:


> I am just not sure what to make of this now.
> In all fairness, she cooked a nice dinner, and we had some great birthday sex and some quality pool time with the baby. I got greeting cards and some (Father's Day) baloons She didn't 'forget' my birthday.
> 
> ...
> 
> I just feel really cruddy. My parents got me an iPhone, which takes out some of the sting. Scratch that - I love my new iPhone!!! But at 32, I should be bragging on my wife, not my parents.


Seriously? You need birthday presents as a reason to brag on your wife? You need a big production made about your birthday? Maybe next year she'll take you to Chuck E. Cheese. Seriously. You're 32. Grow up.


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## nader

> Seriously. You're 32. Grow up.


Maybe I do need to 'grow up,' but I think you are missing the point here. No gift would have been fine if we had communicated properly. It is bad communication and the sudden shift to 'not knowing what to get me' a week after the fact.. that's where the butthurt comes in. 

I really was completely ok until she said that to me. that she 'didn't know.' I'm wishing now that I'd just left it alone.


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## YinPrincess

It's normal to feel disappointment, but the GOOD thing about this situation is that you can now talk to her about it and come to a better understanding about the future - I am hesitant to use the word "expect" but I'm sure you know what I mean. 

Perhaps you can sell the guitar and get something you'd use and enjoy more - after talking it over with her first, of course. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much

> I just want to feel important/respected/loved.


Does she not show you these things outside of a special occasion? I think that may be your real problem here.


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## nader

we are texting now.. it'll be ok. Just another thing to learn from, for both of us, I guess.



> Does she not show you these things outside of a special occasion? I think that may be your real problem here.


Yes, that is a root issue, beyond the scope of this thread! We have our ups and downs, and are resuming MC this week.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

We never exchange gifts. Buying for each other is extremely difficult. We do the dinner and that's about it.

My hubby's bday is on Christmas, so earlier before we married, I'd buy him a pretty big/expensive gift. Since we are not newly married, the gift exchanging went out the window since its not important to either of us. 

It really works out great this way. Therefor, there are never any resentments or sad feelings.

I'm sorry you were disappointed, but it is really hard finding the perfect gift for your husband. 

I'm sure my husband feels the same way about me. When we did buy gifts in the past, neither of us liked what we got each other anyways. We both are savers, not spenders anyways and live as frugal as possible.


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## GPR

I never get anything for my birthday. I'll be 31 in a little over a month, and I can't remember the last time my wife got me a present. We normally will go out together for dinner / movie or something. 

Actually, my wife is horrible at that stuff. She is like what most would consider the stereotypical man. Our anniversary was a couple of weeks ago. She completely forgot. Didn't remember until she got the flowers I sent to her work. She always forgets my birthday too. 

Never bothers me. Birthdays were never a big deal for me. Just another day in my book. Granted, I will use it as an excuse to maybe get the Grandparents to watch our kids so we can go out, but that's the extent of it for me.


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## Halien

nader said:


> Maybe I do need to 'grow up,' but I think you are missing the point here. No gift would have been fine if we had communicated properly. It is bad communication and the sudden shift to 'not knowing what to get me' a week after the fact.. that's where the butthurt comes in.
> 
> I really was completely ok until she said that to me. that she 'didn't know.' I'm wishing now that I'd just left it alone.


When you mention the cheap guitar from the past, there could be other factors making this a hard decision for her, even though you showed appreciation for the thoughts behind her gift.

At some level, everyone wants to give a gift that is not only liked, but appreciated to the extent that you feel good about giving it. You want to do it for that person again. But if your tastes are pretty specific, someone who is insecure can let themself get caught up into avoiding behaviors, procrastinating, and way to much self-doubt. It can be easy for her to not see that the little things she could do would have a profound impact on the birthday, if she felt comfortable in expressing these.

My tastes in many of the things that my wife would give are pretty specific, but I learned ways to make it easier for her, while benefitting from her creative side. There are some areas, like with clothing, where I trust her taste more than my own. I suggested these types of gifts. If she wanted to get tools or electronics, I suggested a gift certificate, but also reminded her of how much I liked it when she gave me "coupon books" for a massage or favorite meals, or other gifts that cost nothing but her time. She knew that I am really into tools and electronics, and naturally assumed that gifts should include these, so I had to show her how valuable it was to me to get things that reflect HER. We just worked out a pretty basic understanding of what works for us. I don't consider it a weakness in my wife that she found the whole subject of gifts to be very intimidating. To her, and many women, they really do see it as a reflection of themselves as a wife, and when it doesn't come easy, it becomes a self-defeating cycle, in a sense. I'd challenge you to try to look at it this way, and see it as an opportunity to help her see that the original, creative expressions of her love that come natural to her are really what you want.


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## A Bit Much

If you work on the root cause of this hurt, it wouldn't be so hurtful. It's not about getting a specific gift for your birthday, it's about her inability to give you what you need on a regular basis. These are things that don't cost a dime.


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## GPR

Honestly, you seem picky as hell. I wouldn't want to have to buy a gift for you either...


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## LovesHerMan

GPR said:


> Honestly, you seem picky as hell. I wouldn't want to have to buy a gift for you either...


And how does this comment help Nader?


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## nader

GPR said:


> Honestly, you seem picky as hell. I wouldn't want to have to buy a gift for you either...


only about musical instruments - as any decent musician should be!

'hobby items' are more challenging, as Halien pointed out.


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## GPR

lovesherman said:


> And how does this comment help Nader?


I'm just saying that from looking through this thread, I could see why someone would have a problem thinking of a gift to give him.


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## nader

GPR said:


> I'm just saying that from looking through this thread, I could see why someone would have a problem thinking of a gift to give him.


I could post a wishlist but that would just be tacky, now wouldn't it?


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## eowyn

nader said:


> I've never *not* gotten her anything! For our last anniversary I sort of copped out; money was tight, I had one thing in mind but then decided to go with a less expensive photo frame of some wedding pics. I left it sitting on the couch so she would see it when she got home. She was underwhelmed and disappointed, when I had meant to surprise her by setting it out so she would "find" it. She was so upset that I just went ahead and ordered the more expensive thing I was going to get her - which she loves and uses every day.
> 
> So that's another thing she brought up. My haphazard presentation. My defense: at least it wasn't a week late.


Looks like you and your wife have ruined quite a few special occasions over the "gift" issue? Also, looks like money is a tight issue for you guys. How about redefining the special occasion agenda and skip "gifts" all together? Just do something special for each other, come up with a new protocol where neither buys a "gift" .. or maybe have a very strict budget, say $25 max. Have you considered doing this? 

Save money and save the trouble buying things each other stuff that you don't appreciate anyways. Go out on a vacation with the money you might end up saving!


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## kag123

OK, I know exactly how you feel. Exactly! We have been through this exact same problem, down to hearing the same types of excuses from my H about delayed gifts and then eventually recieving nothing. Even worse is that on those occasions he has not gotten me a card or any type of recognition at all. Or worse still have been the times when he's obviously bought the card way after the holiday - for example on Valentines Day, I got a card that was completely generic with absolutely no mention of Valentines Day in it - I know this means he bought the card days after the holiday passed when all the Valentines cards were taken off the shelves (and I found the reciept laying out to prove it)

Anyway my husband is just plain crappy with gifts. I always brace myself before any major holiday and try to go into it with absolutely no expectations so as not to experience disappointment.

Here are some things I do to make myself happier and to make sure that there is no resentment when holidays come around. It's been about a year since we've had a major falling out over a holiday gone bad, so I think these are working for us:

1. I do not go overboard getting HIM gifts. I always get him something, but I dont get him tons of things, and I don't spend months planning it. This helps us both. He feels less pressure to measure up to my gift (he always seemed to think we were competing) and I feel less disappointment for expecting something along the same level that I would give.

2. I tell him exactly what I want, months beforehand. And I mean super specific. I will send him links to things on amazon, write down a list for him before Christmas including where to buy the items on the list. Most of the time what I want is not necessarily a material item - I may want a family activity day, or a special date for us without the kids, or for him to take my car for an oil change and a car wash. I tell him these things too, very specifically.

3. We talk about the holiday weeks in advance. Not romantic, but we make sure to "check in" about what the expectations are. Are we having a party with friends, are we going to dinner alone, are we exchanging gifts on the day itself or later (because sometimes where paychecks fall does make a difference to us), what is the budget for this holiday, etc. 

4. I explained to him very carefully WHY it is important to me, what I need from him to feel loved. The most important thing to me hands down on a holiday is to get a NICE, genuine card from him with a hand written sentiment in it. He has never failed on this since I told him that.



Halien said:


> At some level, everyone wants to give a gift that is not only liked, but appreciated to the extent that you feel good about giving it. You want to do it for that person again. But if your tastes are pretty specific, someone who is insecure can let themself get caught up into avoiding behaviors, procrastinating, and way to much self-doubt. It can be easy for her to not see that the little things she could do would have a profound impact on the birthday, if she felt comfortable in expressing these.
> 
> .


I like this advice. I had never thought of it that way. I can be extremely specific in my likes and dislikes too and never thought about it and how it would affect my husband. I can see how this might be true.


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## DayDream

nader said:


> I am just not sure what to make of this now.
> In all fairness, she cooked a nice dinner, and we had some great birthday sex and some quality pool time with the baby. I got greeting cards and some (Father's Day) baloons She didn't 'forget' my birthday.
> 
> On my birthday, a week ago today, she said, I forgot your birthday was two days before my next paycheck, so I need to get paid before I get you what I was going to get you.
> 
> A few nights later we went out for dinner. She offered to pay because she "feels bad for not getting you anything." She could tell I was a little distraught, and when she asked why, I said, "really, you didn't get me anything?" She said "it just hasn't happened yet," and I left it at that.
> 
> this morning I brought it up.. she said she has "no idea what to get me," which really stung because a) I'm her husband, and b) I've mentioned several things that I would like.
> 
> Last year she got me a really cheap guitar - it was all we could afford at the time - and I wanted to be happy but it literally tore my fingers up when I tried playing it. I've played some cheap guitars before, but NOTHING like that. It was a sweet gesture but I had to gently explain that a guitar is really personal and something to save up for, and something you need to pick out yourself. Yet she always brings up that I never play this guitar; I mention that I've been meaning to replace the strings, etc. but, well, the beat up guitar I have now is probably nicer than this one.
> 
> So a year later, this is the reason that she has "no idea" what to get me. I'm feeling all butthurt right now. I don't care what she gets me, but I'd like to feel important enough for her to care more. She could have talked to anyone in my family for ideas, she could have researched online, she could have remembered any of the things I'd mentioned - any number of things.
> 
> To hear a week after my birthday "I just don't know what to get you," that really stung.
> 
> I feel strange being so bothered by this, and I think there is a double standard. Men are expected to deliver birthday miracles every year, without fail. The cliche marital cardinal sin is for a man to neglect his wife's birthday/anniversary/etc. To forget the date or to get her the wrong thing. I _love_ trying to surprise and delight my wife and trying to top what I did the last time.
> 
> And I know that if I said that to my wife "I just don't know what to get you" _a week after her birthday,_ how well would that have flown? Yet she has this way of making _me_ feel bad for being bothered by this. I would have even been ok with no gift, maybe more sex. Maybe getting friends together for drinks. I guess what bothers me most is that the story keeps changing - I just need to get paid first; I have something planned but it hasn't happened yet; and suddenly - "I have _no idea_ what to get you!"
> 
> I just feel really cruddy. My parents got me an iPhone, which takes out some of the sting. Scratch that - I love my new iPhone!!! But at 32, I should be bragging on my wife, not my parents.


Yeah, I got a "Happy Birthday" and that was it this year. Then he promised we would go on a vacation for a long weekend and that never happened. When it was supposed to happen, I got sick. Then the next time we were supposed to go, he cancelled because he had a karate tournament to go to. So I know how you feel. It's disappointing and you aren't sure how to feel about it. Well, his birthday is coming up. I usually go all out and cook him a huge seafood feast and invite his friends and brother over but this year I think he'll get a "Happy Birthday" and that's it. I know it seems childish to do, but maybe he should see how it feels.


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## kag123

I wanted to mention that my birthday just passed and I think hubby did it perfectly this time.

He often gives me shet about money. He is much more tight with money than I am, to the point that I usually feel too guilty to buy anything for myself without his explicit permission. I told him all I wanted was some cash yo spend on myself guilt free.

He made me a cake, got me a very nice card and gave me $300. He arranged for his parents to take the kids for a day, and we went to the mall together and he stuck with me while I went clothes shopping. He even sat with me while I got a makeup consultation done. I know that was like the last thing he'd ever want to do so I appreciated it.

And I bought exactly what I wanted. And since I am thrifty I had $100 leftover so I gave it back to him for one of his yard projects.

Would cash work for you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nader

> 2. I tell him exactly what I want, months beforehand. And I mean super specific. I will send him links to things on amazon, write down a list for him before Christmas including where to buy the items on the list. Most of the time what I want is not necessarily a material item - I may want a family activity day, or a special date for us without the kids, or for him to take my car for an oil change and a car wash. I tell him these things too, very specifically.
> 
> 3. We talk about the holiday weeks in advance. Not romantic, but we make sure to "check in" about what the expectations are. Are we having a party with friends, are we going to dinner alone, are we exchanging gifts on the day itself or later (because sometimes where paychecks fall does make a difference to us), what is the budget for this holiday, etc.


I think these two points are especially helpful. But I *have* mentioned a few things that I'd like - Game of Thrones Blu-Ray, a set of weights, contact lenses (But I *have* mentioned a few things that I'd like - Game of Thrones Blu-Ray, a set of weights, contact lenses (so I can wear shades), concert ticket, etc.

But I think next year I'm going to be more intentional letting her know what I'd like. Honestly I'd rather have people over (or go out) and get a little tipsy, than get some nice gift that I build up in my head... but I don't think I've ever told her this before. Every summer I try to go see Phish at least once (which is a serious cutback from my freewheeling years!); last year that was my 'present to myself,' and I'm leaning towards doing the same this year.


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