# My man won't address his health issues!



## RiverRun (Jan 6, 2017)

My partner is in terrible shape. We've only been together for 3 1/2 years but the last 2, we haven't had any sex life. He eats fast food every day (and has been for 15+ years) and has been ballooning to huge size. He has no energy outside of work, just lays on the couch every night and goes to sleep early. He thinks if he keeps making money, everything's great but I disagree because he's totally neglecting me and our toddler daughter. We barely do anything together cuz he's on the couch every night and weekend. 
My main concern right now is that he won't see a doctor for a checkup. He claims the last time he had a checkup was over 10 years ago. He just turned 46. I've never seen anyone consume so much sugar on a daily basis! Sugar in the morning, tons of sugar all day, fried food for every meal, craves sugar late at night. He gets up at all hours of the night to piss and it takes him several minutes to empty his bladder. He smokes cigars. He never drinks water. 
I fear he has (or the beginnings of -- because I am a health professional in Assisted Living Homes) Diabetes 2, Prostate cancer, heart disease, high blood pressure, perhaps kidney disease and whatever lymphatic issues go with it. 
When we first got together, he was full of energy and followed my active lifestyle lead, hiking and snowboarding every weekend, but after I got pregnant, I realized it was all a facade. I've always been active and live a healthy lifestyle, a few years younger than him but no one can believe I have a 20-yr-old-son because I am thin, athletic, vibrant and very active. 
I cook healthy meals for him but he will often refuse all salads or fresh food I serve him. He will often starve himself from my baked salmon, chicken or steamed veggies just so he can go get McDonald's early next morning!
I don't know what to do any more. Last night when he got home, he looked like death run over. His job isn't very physically strenuous but he was almost falling over, could barely stand up, his face was gray, full of bags, worn and I asked him what was wrong. (No, he's not on any kind of drugs!) He said, "I have a headache." I said, "Have you had any water to drink today? This week?" He said, "No." I gave him a liter bottle of water, asked him to drink it ALL for his obvious symptoms of dehydration and he took one sip then promptly passed out until this morning when he left for work again. 
After 2 years of imploring him to get health insurance, he finally did through his company but when I tell him I can find a PCP for him & make an appointment he says, NO, I'll do it myself. He won't. 
I know he won't!!! Until he's pissing blood or some other catastrophic event. I understand I'm at advanced age & need to continue to take care of myself but he still has this weird arrogant mentality that he's gonna last forever despite his serious neglect of his own vessel.
Any advice toward my hard-headed killing-himself spouse/ father of our 2 year old?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

He has ED too. He needs life insurance more than health insurance. 

I agree he probably has most of those. Maybe fatty liver too. 

What is his height and weight?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

So complete turn around for the worse as far as taking care of himself over the past four years? How much weight had he gained since you've met? Did you know him before? Have you discussed this with his family? Is this is first child? He's not setting good habits.


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## RiverRun (Jan 6, 2017)

Erectile Disfunction? I can see that. So many times, he lays down with me touching me and then just stops or walks away. Worst.


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## RiverRun (Jan 6, 2017)

I've talked to his family a ton but they don't know what to say.


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## RiverRun (Jan 6, 2017)

6'2", 250. Sex is humping once a month and one minute or so at this point.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

@RiverRun I feel for you.


I have a similar dynamic with my husband. He did finally go to the doctor; and he is on a couple of meds. My pleas, example-setting of exercise and eating right seems to motivate him to do the exact opposite. I no longer try to understand it, or change it; it's exhausting.


But if your H won't change his lifestyle, then he needs to get on meds. Probably to lower his blood pressure, perhaps insulin [or other diabetic drug],cholesterol meds, anti-depressants and/or sleeping pills so he can rest. So on and so forth.

None of the above are anything I would want to have to take unless absolutely necessary. But they could probably help your husband feel better and extend his unhealthy life.

But, of course, if you ask him to go to the doctor; he won't go. I think back pain made my husband break down and go finally.


It's very hard and frustrating; and yes, your sex life will suffer from his personal neglect of himself.

I'm just chiming in to give you some comfort. Some people do not want their daily habits influenced by someone else, even if the change would be for the better. Even if the person offering to help is their spouse. I don't understand it. But there it is.

The most sinister thing to say is, begin living and planning like a widow.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

notmyrealname4 said:


> The most sinister thing to say is, begin living and planning like a widow.


And the most reasonable thing to say.

If he has access to life insurance available through work, sign him up.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

You can't make a person want to change--only they can do that themselves. You have done all you can and I think you have two choices. Take out life insurance policy out on him (which might at least force him to get a physical) as well as protect your future, or present an ultimatum that he improves his health or you end the marriage. These are the only two things that you can do that can move him at this point. If you do leave him, you might want to take out a policy anyway to cover child support.

It sounds like he is doing literally everything wrong. He is going to go down hard one way or the other in the next 10 years for sure. How many 60 year olds have you seen living like this? 

Some other things to consider. 

The challenge in getting into proper shape from where he is at is enormous. The time and energy required to eat correctly (make sure healthy meals are available) and exercise together with the uphill psychic cost to keep that lifestyle going for 2-3 years to make it at least some kind of habit is daunting. If he starts now he can be there before he is 50. Only some major health crisis or relationship crisis will wake up call can get him there.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

You have to be willing to lose him to save him. You tell him you are leaving because you refuse to live in a situation like this. Then leave. Don't barter with him, don't give him an ultimatum. He will sneak food and then say he is doing all he can.

He needs to figure out, for himself, what is more important. If it is food, and he eats himself to death, did you really want to be with him anyway. When you leave, don't look for anyone else. Give him some time to reconcile his own life. If you see he is trying and going to the gym and eating home cooked meals, then take it from there.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Sounds like a bad way to be. I find myself on that path from time to time and when I do it feels completely hopeless, lonely and futile. Doctor can do very little (sure he may prescribe some antidepressants and lecture about all the things you probably already lecture about).

He needs a major shakeup.

But please don't stop loving him, he's not a bad man he's just unwell. Getting off the sugar/carb/grease train takes several months of dedication. I personally believe that the bacteria in our gut control so much of us... the digestive system (enteric nervous system) is called the second brain because it contains more neurons and neurotransmitter activity than our peripheral nervous system and is largely responsible for our mood and well being (ie makes different neurotransmitters and hormones). And the foods we digest directly affect how our enteric nervous system functions. On top of that, the bacteria we cultivate depend on the substances they are fed, so eat nothing but junk and we develop flora that is efficient at digesting junk, which is not good at producing the chemicals we need to be healthy or even feel healthy and worse makes you crave more of the junk. Building up the right bacteria takes months, and in many cases certain species have already gone extinct, but it's still possible to improve so many aspects of his life just from diet alone.

It's ultimately all on him, but you can be a big supporter by helping educate him, and by establishing a healthy relationship need of having a healthy partner, a need that is ultimately up to you to enforce. Not easy but doable if you both want a happy healthy relationship together.

ps: I am also finding out that my lifelong mantra of "everything in moderation" just doesn't work for getting back on the right track because the bad just always overtakes the good, kinda gotta go at it full tilt... no celebration pizzas for at least 3 months, even better would be a year.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Some people are in serious denial about their health issues because they haven't come to terms with aging and all it entails. 

I'm not like your husband but I was in denial of my aging for quite a while. 

I eat well, exercise frequently, don't smoke, and don't drink to excess. About ten years ago my blood pressure was reaching "high normal" at each doctor visit. My doctor recommended medication. I told the doctor that I didn't want to go on meds for it so he said that I could try improving my diet, exercising more, getting more sleep, and adding meditation to see if it would work. What I was able to do didn't work so I convinced myself that I had "white coat syndrome" which made me anxious at each appointment which drove the BP up!

I was fully aware that both of my parents had high BP. I was fully aware that the lifestyle changes I made weren't working. I was fully aware that high BP is dangerous. 

After five years of denial I finally gave in and went on the meds. I had to accept that despite my best efforts, heredity and age were against me. It's not my failing. It's life. Getting older is part of it. 

On another note, a colleague of mine who sounds exactly like your husband was complaining of frequent headaches. I told him to see the doc. He said "nah". The next weekend he was feeling so lousy that he went to the ER. His BP was 210/120! They wouldn't let him leave because that's malignant hypertension. Basically a setup for a catastrophic health event. He's on his meds and feeling much better though his lifestyle probably needs work. 

My advice to you is to ask him to go with you to have a will drawn up. You have a child so it's important to do. You might need it sooner than you think.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Maybe if you start doing things outdoors like taking walks and maybe bike riding he will start to.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@RiverRun next time he falls unconscious, call 911 on him.

And play dumb.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

RiverRun said:


> 6'2", 250. Sex is humping once a month and one minute or so at this point.


1) The above..... just terrible. His testosterone levels are probably nonexistent.

2) I don't believe he went from Bear Grylls to Homer Simpson in two years and you had no idea. The signs were always there, you simple ignored them.

3) You have two options: Either divorce him and leave or take out a $1M life insurance policy on him and stay. Cause he's going to disappear one way or the other. He won't change and you can't force him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> 1) The above..... just terrible. His testosterone levels are probably nonexistent.
> 
> 2) I don't believe he went from Bear Grylls to Homer Simpson in two years and you had no idea. The signs were always there, you simple ignored them.
> 
> 3) You have two options: Either divorce him and leave or take out a $1M life insurance policy on him and stay. Cause he's going to disappear one way or the other. He won't change and you can't force him.


Would an insurer consider him a worthwhile risk?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

The peeing makes me think he might have diabetes. It is truly important he find out what his blood sugar is. You can even buy a cheap meter at the drugstore and do a finger prick at home. Find out ASAP.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

It's the 15 years that worries me. I know a lot of senior citizens with much worse BMI. look up A1c Now. you can do this at home and get a pretty good feel for his diabetes.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Personally, if my spouse let himself go, I mean really go, I will lose respect for him foremostly. I'll feel like he believes I and our relationship are not worth living well for, not worth living long for, as long as is naturally possible. Over time, the resentment will simultaneously cause love loss, slowly but surely, until I find one day that I care for his wellbeing, but I can no longer deal with the sadness of investing myself emotionally. My heart will harden, I'll just want to leave him to live his life as he chooses, because I simply can't agree with it or support it. I won't argue or hinder him from what he wants, I'll just go quietly and carry on. 

His actions would hurt me, frankly. I want to be with my husband for as long as possible. Time is the one thing we have such a finite amount of. He tells me everything through his actions, or inaction as it may be. My heart would worry and hurt for him until it doesn't have the energy to care any longer.

I've been through this once before and I'll be darned if I ever do it again.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Satya said:


> Personally, if my spouse let himself go, I mean really go, I will lose respect for him foremostly. I'll feel like he believes I and our relationship are not worth living well for, not worth living long for, as long as is naturally possible. Over time, the resentment will simultaneously cause love loss, slowly but surely, until I find one day that I care for his wellbeing, but I can no longer deal with the sadness of investing myself emotionally. My heart will harden, I'll just want to leave him to live his life as he chooses, because I simply can't agree with it or support it. I won't argue or hinder him from what he wants, I'll just go quietly and carry on.
> 
> His actions would hurt me, frankly. I want to be with my husband for as long as possible. Time is the one thing we have such a finite amount of. He tells me everything through his actions, or inaction as it may be. My heart would worry and hurt for him until it doesn't have the energy to care any longer.
> 
> I've been through this once before and I'll be darned if I ever do it again.




I agree with you @Satya [again].

But love can mix with disillusionment and disappointment.


Loss of respect,_ to a point_, does not necessarily mean loss of love. Or a complete loss of sexual desire. But sexual desire is somewhat affected.


There can be other qualities to the person and relationship that make it worthwhile.

All mixed in with what you enlisted in your post.

It's a confusing, frustrating, rat-in-a-maze situation to be in.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

How about stamina? I am no physical specimen myself, but at 57 I can cycle 40 miles, move two kids to college in 48 hours, and function perfectly on 5 hours of sleep a day. But I eat good food, and if you believe my Fitbit, walk 10-12 k steps a day. 

250 for 6 ft 2 isn't too bad, but lack of energy etc are scary.

Now, start thinking why he eats like that. Is he stressed out? Addicted? Any obvious family of origin food related disorders? 

If all his family look like the cast of Honey Boo Boo then no point trying, but if his family has a healthy relationship with food then you need to look deeper.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

john117 said:


> Now, start thinking* why he eats like that.* Is he stressed out? Addicted? Any obvious family of origin food related disorders?




The pleasures of the tongue. There really isn't any mystery.


btw, congratulations on being in such great shape.


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

I do understand your partner, in particular how having a child can throw one's health habits out of whack.

When I was 28 I had ballooned out to 220# (I'm 5'9"). That's what happens if you eat sugar to stay awake every day for two years while you're a full time student with a full time job.

Over the next few years I lost weight. I was exercising, mowing the lawn, walking around town. I got down to 197. Then I got my wife pregnant.

I let my gym membership lapse, unable to afford it. I ate to cope with anxiety and lack of sex. I ate because my wife insisted I did so she wouldn't be the only one still eating. I still had access to the exercise room at the office but I didn't avail myself of it. I still walked around town but it wasn't enough. My wife also weighed too much going into the pregnancy. I spent lots of time cooking healthy food, but neglected my own exercise.

I'm back up to 220#. She delivered a small baby, got back to prepregnancy weight at delivery, and is still losing weight nursing.

I wish I could suggest a solution for you but I'm still trying to figure it out.


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