# Splitting chores, uneven workload?



## Lookingforwardtolife

I'm sure this topic has been beaten to death, but this is currently my struggle. I work part time, but almost 40 hours week. My husband works quite a bit of overtime (a lot of 6 day work weeks). I find myself doing most (if not all) the housework and that kind of drives me up the wall. I have tried bringing this up with my husband, but he gets defensive. He does do outside work (lawn mowing, weeds, clean up ect), except he only does this once a week or once every 2 weeks. I used to help him outside (sweeping the leaves), but stopped after I noticed I wasn't receiving any help with inside work. I am constantly trying to catch up and find myself doing quite a bit of housework on my days off. When I bring up that I need help, he claims he needs help with the outside work. What can I do?


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## Andy1001

If finances permit get a cleaner one day a week.


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## Lookingforwardtolife

Andy1001 said:


> If finances permit get a cleaner one day a week.


I wish we could, but husband is going back to school, so for now a no go.


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## In Absentia

Get another more helpful husband.


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## jonty30

Lookingforwardtolife said:


> I'm sure this topic has been beaten to death, but this is currently my struggle. I work part time, but almost 40 hours week. My husband works quite a bit of overtime (a lot of 6 day work weeks). I find myself doing most (if not all) the housework and that kind of drives me up the wall. I have tried bringing this up with my husband, but he gets defensive. He does do outside work (lawn mowing, weeds, clean up ect), except he only does this once a week or once every 2 weeks. I used to help him outside (sweeping the leaves), but stopped after I noticed I wasn't receiving any help with inside work. I am constantly trying to catch up and find myself doing quite a bit of housework on my days off. When I bring up that I need help, he claims he needs help with the outside work. What can I do?


What I suggest to do is take an inventory on everything that is being done, inside and outside. Maybe he's doing more than you think. 
Maybe a division, based on abilities. Such as him moving furniture back and forth so that you can sweep behind it.
Have him do what he's good at and you do the rest. If he goes through the list of what needs to be done and his half ends up being all the big stuff, leaving you all the finer parts of house cleaning, that would count for half.


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## Lapm

Is hubby actually in school? If that’s the case then you need to realize that he’s exhausted. 

either way, marriage is about compromise and helping each other. if schedules permit, set aside an hour or two a week that can be dedicated to both of you doing housework together. Make a list of all the housework you do, and then check off the items you would like help with, sit down and have a discussion about it. Focus on strengths and weaknesses, and likes and dislikes. If he likes cooking, he cooks dinner you do the dishes. Help him with outdoor stuff, then ask him to help you with indoor stuff.


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## bobert

You could try something like ChoreBuster. It's like $2/month. It weighs each chore and randomly assigns them to each family member (including kids, if you have them). You can choose a fair division (%) of chores, select days with no chores, who can/cannot do certain chores, etc. It will also show you both how much needs to be done around the house.









ChoreBuster - A Fair Chore Schedule, Automatically


Automatic chore scheduling makes family chores a breeze. The ultimate family chore chart, ChoreBuster lets you manage and assign chores to each member of your family.




www.chorebuster.net


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## ThatDarnGuy!

He is working 6 days a week with lots of overtime, and takes care of the outside of the house and you don't even work 40 hours a week? Exactly how much housework is there to take care of?

Set a timer and spend 1 hour a day doing the housework. I wouldn't expect much of anything in the way of housework if my spouse worked six days a week with lots of overtime.


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## Livvie

He works 6 days a week, does the outside stuff, and is in school?

That's a lot.


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## Blondilocks

He is working 6 days a week because of the overtime - not in addition, if I am reading her correctly.

Bobert's suggestion is great and I think a lot of peope will be surprised at the results.


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## Diceplayer

Lookingforwardtolife said:


> I work part time, but almost 40 hours week.


What is almost 40 hours per week? Is it 38 or is it 16? 


Lookingforwardtolife said:


> but stopped after I noticed I wasn't receiving any help with inside work.


Do you go to his work and offer to help with that? The guy is working full time with overtime providing for his family and you're whining about him not helping with inside work. Other women are here crying that their husbands spend their time playing video games and smoking weed. I recommend that you go put on something nice, sit on his lap and tell him that you are thankful for him.


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## OnTheFly

Based on the title of the thread, I honestly thought this was about who gets to split all the firewood?? Of course, I'm a gentleman and wouldn't allow my wife within 10yards of the axe and woodpile, but some other husbands are cavemen and expect help stacking, or some such......not me. 

As for the actual problem (gleaned from reading the OP and not just the title), I'd suggest if you're not happy now, you'll never be happy. Presumably, going back to school costs money, ergo, the extra overtime. And presumably, the higher education will result in a better paying job? That's usually the goal, anyway. What happens when the higher paying job comes with extra hours also.....and added stress to perform? Right as this dude reaches peak earning potential, is that when he gets slapped with D papers for not helping around the house enough?

My advice (no, not polyandry, like post #4 suggests  ) is to cut your own hours down to a level where the inside chores are not a burden to you and allow your husband to focus on the increased income for the family. 

Of course, this could all be crap opinions because of a multitude of important details that are missing/yet revealed.

Just my $0.03 (adjusted due to Biden-inflation).


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## jonty30

OnTheFly said:


> Based on the title of the thread, I honestly thought this was about who gets to split all the firewood?? Of course, I'm a gentleman and wouldn't allow my wife within 10yards of the axe and woodpile, but some other husbands are cavemen and expect help stacking, or some such......not me.
> 
> As for the actual problem (gleaned from reading the OP and not just the title), I'd suggest if you're not happy now, you'll never be happy. Presumably, going back to school costs money, ergo, the extra overtime. And presumably, the higher education will result in a better paying job? That's usually the goal, anyway. What happens when the higher paying job comes with extra hours also.....and added stress to perform? Right as this dude reaches peak earning potential, is that when he gets slapped with D papers for not helping around the house enough?
> 
> My advice (no, not polyandry, like post #4 suggests  ) is to cut your own hours down to a level where the inside chores are not a burden to you and allow your husband to focus on the increased income for the family.
> 
> Of course, this could all be crap opinions because of a multitude of important details that are missing/yet revealed.
> 
> Just my $0.03 (adjusted due to Biden-inflation).


Just get her one of these. She'll thank you and appreciate you as a husband.
An anniversary or Christmas gift is best.


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## *Deidre*

If your husband is home only one full day per week, he probably doesn’t feel like spending it doing house chores. Not that it should all fall on you, but he is likely spending part of that one day working on the yard etc…

Do what you can, and it doesn’t need to be perfect. I would suggest spending the time you have together doing something fun and relaxing so you can both feel recharged for the next work week. The chores will always be there, but if you both keep resenting the other, that will take a toll on your marriage. Hiring someone to clean your house twice a month isn’t as expensive as you may think - if you look at your expenses, cut back on something else so you can afford it. And make it be a positive for you both, not something you’re doing to get him to clean more.


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## Diana7

Diceplayer said:


> What is almost 40 hours per week? Is it 38 or is it 16?
> 
> Do you go to his work and offer to help with that? The guy is working full time with overtime providing for his family and you're whining about him not helping with inside work. Other women are here crying that their husbands spend their time playing video games and smoking weed. I recommend that you go put on something nice, sit on his lap and tell him that you are thankful for him.


That's what I thought. 40 hours is actually full time. 8 hours a day.


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## Diana7

Lookingforwardtolife said:


> I wish we could, but husband is going back to school, so for now a no go.


So does that mean he will work less hours? How much land do you have outside that needs taking care of? Do you have children?


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## Jamieboy

My wife works 30 hours a week, I work 50 to 60, my salary provides the house we live in and pays all the bills. I have always said when she's done 20 hours of chores a week, ill split the remainder. It's never happened, sound harsh? I don't care. I work hard enough, if I have to do the chores too, I'll be doing them In my own place. 

My wife and I had this conversation a few years back when I was promoted, and told her what it would mean for both of us. She didn't listen or thought I was only joking, still when she realised she might have to live without the benefits my salary provides, an hour a night to sort the house out didn't seem so bad.

For the record I told her I was happy not to take the promotion too


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## TexasMom1216

I’ve worked 6-7 days a week for long stretches and know how exhausting, both physically and emotionally, that can be. 

There are details missing here. You don’t say how many hours you work, just less than 40, and you don’t say if you have children (unless I missed it). Those details might change my response a little, but not a whole lot. 

If he’s working 6 days and you’re working 5, you can spend one of your days off cleaning. Missing out on what little recovery time he has takes more of a toll than you seem to realize. I also think you should give yourself a little grace. Kittens will not die if there’s a little dust or the floor doesn’t get mopped, or even if the grass gets a little high. Marriage is supposed to be a team effort, with both of you working together to make each other’s lives better. Score-keeping is toxic to a relationship between equals, it will quickly turn your marriage into a parent/child dynamic, which is gross on every level no matter which partner is the parent. Do your best and let him have his day off. If he’s going to school to get a better job, eventually this will work itself out.

I would also advise you to pick up as many hours as you can at work. You want to stay on equal footing so you don’t find yourself in a bad spot.


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## In Absentia

If you have to discuss this stuff, the marriage is in trouble.


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## David60525

Lookingforwardtolife said:


> I'm sure this topic has been beaten to death, but this is currently my struggle. I work part time, but almost 40 hours week. My husband works quite a bit of overtime (a lot of 6 day work weeks). I find myself doing most (if not all) the housework and that kind of drives me up the wall. I have tried bringing this up with my husband, but he gets defensive. He does do outside work (lawn mowing, weeds, clean up ect), except he only does this once a week or once every 2 weeks. I used to help him outside (sweeping the leaves), but stopped after I noticed I wasn't receiving any help with inside work. I am constantly trying to catch up and find myself doing quite a bit of housework on my days off. When I bring up that I need help, he claims he needs help with the outside work. What can I do?


Read dr. Laura Schlessnger.s proper care and feeding of marriage. your answers are there.


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## Philip P.

Lookingforwardtolife said:


> I'm sure this topic has been beaten to death, but this is currently my struggle. I work part time, but almost 40 hours week. My husband works quite a bit of overtime (a lot of 6 day work weeks). I find myself doing most (if not all) the housework and that kind of drives me up the wall. I have tried bringing this up with my husband, but he gets defensive. He does do outside work (lawn mowing, weeds, clean up ect), except he only does this once a week or once every 2 weeks. I used to help him outside (sweeping the leaves), but stopped after I noticed I wasn't receiving any help with inside work. I am constantly trying to catch up and find myself doing quite a bit of housework on my days off. When I bring up that I need help, he claims he needs help with the outside work. What can I do?


My wife and I divided many chores. We both were employed when we married and fell into a groove I guess. We picked what we liked to do and that helped because we gravitated to things we liked, not that “like” is a completely descriptive word. We cooperated on the things we didn’t enjoy. I enjoy running a vacuum. I enjoy washing floors. We have two bathrooms. I clean one and she does the other. My wife prefers cooking and laundry. Every other weekend I pick up the cooking and she gets a break. Sometimes a schedule helps. Usually, we’ll clean in short bursts through the week and not let the mess grow so cleaning becomes a monumental all day job. Outside work is tough. I have a guy mow the lawn and leaf blow the driveway twice a month and I spiff it up if it needs it. I’m tired of outside wok (I thought I’d miss it). Perhaps you can adjust a few tasks and share some jobs.


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## DownByTheRiver

Lookingforwardtolife said:


> I'm sure this topic has been beaten to death, but this is currently my struggle. I work part time, but almost 40 hours week. My husband works quite a bit of overtime (a lot of 6 day work weeks). I find myself doing most (if not all) the housework and that kind of drives me up the wall. I have tried bringing this up with my husband, but he gets defensive. He does do outside work (lawn mowing, weeds, clean up ect), except he only does this once a week or once every 2 weeks. I used to help him outside (sweeping the leaves), but stopped after I noticed I wasn't receiving any help with inside work. I am constantly trying to catch up and find myself doing quite a bit of housework on my days off. When I bring up that I need help, he claims he needs help with the outside work. What can I do?


Outside work is cheap to get help for. So if he wanted to make a deal where you hired inside help and he hired outside help you would be getting the better end of that deal because inside help is expensive.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Lookingforwardtolife said:


> I'm sure this topic has been beaten to death, but this is currently my struggle. I work part time, but almost 40 hours week. My husband works quite a bit of overtime (a lot of 6 day work weeks). I find myself doing most (if not all) the housework and that kind of drives me up the wall. I have tried bringing this up with my husband, but he gets defensive. He does do outside work (lawn mowing, weeds, clean up ect), except he only does this once a week or once every 2 weeks. I used to help him outside (sweeping the leaves), but stopped after I noticed I wasn't receiving any help with inside work. I am constantly trying to catch up and find myself doing quite a bit of housework on my days off. When I bring up that I need help, he claims he needs help with the outside work. What can I do?


Have you looked into hiring house cleaner at least once every two weeks to do the larger inside jobs?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

DownByTheRiver said:


> Outside work is cheap to get help for. So if he wanted to make a deal where you hired inside help and he hired outside help you would be getting the better end of that deal because inside help is expensive.


Yep. We have a yard crew for weekly mowing and typical minor care. Like 130.00 month.


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## Rus47

Lookingforwardtolife said:


> I'm sure this topic has been beaten to death, but this is currently my struggle. I work part time, but almost 40 hours week. My husband works quite a bit of overtime (a lot of 6 day work weeks). I find myself doing most (if not all) the housework and that kind of drives me up the wall. I have tried bringing this up with my husband, but he gets defensive. He does do outside work (lawn mowing, weeds, clean up ect), except he only does this once a week or once every 2 weeks. I used to help him outside (sweeping the leaves), but stopped after I noticed I wasn't receiving any help with inside work. I am constantly trying to catch up and find myself doing quite a bit of housework on my days off. When I bring up that I need help, he claims he needs help with the outside work. What can I do?


Have you considered hiring a housekeeper to do some of the housework? And a yard service to do some of the outside stuff. I know that is an additional expense, but the reduced stress and resentment will be well worth the cost IMO. Wife and I are retired, but the yard work is hired out and we had a maid once a week until Covid hit and they were all afraid to come here, so now we clean the house together.

Just my two cents. Paying someone to help IMO is way better than fighting over how the chores get split.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Rus47 said:


> Have you considered hiring a housekeeper to do some of the housework? And a yard service to do some of the outside stuff. I know that is an additional expense, but the reduced stress and resentment will be well worth the cost IMO. Wife and I are retired, but the yard work is hired out and we had a maid once a week until Covid hit and they were all afraid to come here, so now we clean the house together.
> 
> Just my two cents. Paying someone to help IMO is way better than fighting over how the chores get split.


I just hired a yard guy after my sons moved out. I'd bought and maintained yard care equipment for 20 yrs, didn't want to burn 1/2 day every Saturday anymore doing the repetitive stuff.


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## DownByTheRiver

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Yep. We have a yard crew for weekly mowing and typical minor care. Like 130.00 month.


I only need them every other week so mine is about $80 now a month. It used to be a lot cheaper than that before covid. And you do have to pay mine to do much extra.


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## UpsideDownWorld11

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I just hired a yard guy after my sons moved out. I'd bought and maintained yard care equipment for 20 yrs, didn't want to burn 1/2 day every Saturday anymore doing the repetitive stuff.


I'm one of those weird people that enjoy mowing the lawn. It's the sense of accomplishment afterwards haha.


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## Works

OnTheFly said:


> Based on the title of the thread, I honestly thought this was about who gets to split all the firewood?? Of course, I'm a gentleman and wouldn't allow my wife within 10yards of the axe and woodpile, but some other husbands are cavemen and expect help stacking, or some such......not me.
> 
> As for the actual problem (gleaned from reading the OP and not just the title), I'd suggest if you're not happy now, you'll never be happy. Presumably, going back to school costs money, ergo, the extra overtime. And presumably, the higher education will result in a better paying job? That's usually the goal, anyway. What happens when the higher paying job comes with extra hours also.....and added stress to perform? Right as this dude reaches peak earning potential, is that when he gets slapped with D papers for not helping around the house enough?
> 
> My advice (no, not polyandry, like post #4 suggests  ) is to cut your own hours down to a level where the inside chores are not a burden to you and allow your husband to focus on the increased income for the family.
> 
> Of course, this could all be crap opinions because of a multitude of important details that are missing/yet revealed.
> 
> Just my $0.03 (adjusted due to Biden-inflation).


Sorry.. just laughing at the inflation comment... not the other parts.


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## Works

Lookingforwardtolife said:


> I'm sure this topic has been beaten to death, but this is currently my struggle. I work part time, but almost 40 hours week. My husband works quite a bit of overtime (a lot of 6 day work weeks). I find myself doing most (if not all) the housework and that kind of drives me up the wall. I have tried bringing this up with my husband, but he gets defensive. He does do outside work (lawn mowing, weeds, clean up ect), except he only does this once a week or once every 2 weeks. I used to help him outside (sweeping the leaves), but stopped after I noticed I wasn't receiving any help with inside work. I am constantly trying to catch up and find myself doing quite a bit of housework on my days off. When I bring up that I need help, he claims he needs help with the outside work. What can I do?


When I was married, I worked full time, toward the end even had 2 jobs. I used to ask my ex if he could help with certain things, vacuum was one... a week later he did it, but ONLY part of the house. Meanwhile I always kept it spotless everyday. I, too, stopped doing things when I began to notice how unfair it seemed. He got upset with me and said to me, I'll never forget this, "If I have to do everything, why did I get married?" I was blown away considering I cooked, cleaned, laundry, worked, contributed to bills, almost always drove us when we went out... Now I know better. 

I stink at giving advice, but I am sure that there are underlying issues other than chores that will soon arise. I learned from TAM that it's almost never the one question we ask when posting.. there's always more to it. 

You're going to get great feedback here.


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## DownByTheRiver

Works said:


> When I was married, I worked full time, toward the end even had 2 jobs. I used to ask my ex if he could help with certain things, vacuum was one... a week later he did it, but ONLY part of the house. Meanwhile I always kept it spotless everyday. I, too, stopped doing things when I began to notice how unfair it seemed. He got upset with me and said to me, I'll never forget this, "If I have to do everything, why did I get married?" I was blown away considering I cooked, cleaned, laundry, worked, contributed to bills, almost always drove us when we went out... Now I know better.
> 
> I stink at giving advice, but I am sure that there are underlying issues other than chores that will soon arise. I learned from TAM that it's almost never the one question we ask when posting.. there's always more to it.
> 
> You're going to get great feedback here.


It's always hard when you find out what you were really valued for and doesn't line up with what you value yourself for. 

Don't be anybody's free labor.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

OnTheFly said:


> Based on the title of the thread, I honestly thought this was about who gets to split all the firewood?? Of course, I'm a gentleman and wouldn't allow my wife within 10yards of the axe and woodpile, but some other husbands are cavemen and expect help stacking, or some such......not me.
> 
> As for the actual problem (gleaned from reading the OP and not just the title), I'd suggest if you're not happy now, you'll never be happy. Presumably, going back to school costs money, ergo, the extra overtime. And presumably, the higher education will result in a better paying job? That's usually the goal, anyway. What happens when the higher paying job comes with extra hours also.....and added stress to perform? Right as this dude reaches peak earning potential, is that when he gets slapped with D papers for not helping around the house enough?
> 
> My advice (no, not polyandry, like post #4 suggests  ) is to cut your own hours down to a level where the inside chores are not a burden to you and allow your husband to focus on the increased income for the family.
> 
> Of course, this could all be crap opinions because of a multitude of important details that are missing/yet revealed.
> 
> Just my $0.03 (adjusted due to Biden-inflation).


That's why we have kids. To mow the yard a d chop the wood.


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## Works

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's always hard when you find out what you were really valued for and doesn't line up with what you value yourself for.
> 
> Don't be anybody's free labor.


Lesson learned now... won't ever allow myself to let that happen again, amongst a lot of other things.


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## Diceplayer

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> That's why we have kids. To mow the yard a d chop the wood.


This was true for farm families back when my mom was growing up in the 1930s. Her mom & dad had 12 kids because they needed help with the farm.


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## LisaDiane

Diceplayer said:


> This was true for farm families back when my mom was growing up in the 1930s. Her mom & dad had 12 kids because they needed help with the farm.


Well, also there wasn't any real birth control, so if they enjoyed sex together, AND they had healthy reproductive systems, there would be LOTS of babies!!!! Lol!!

It's good that there was farm work to do, to get them all out of the house!!!


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## Diceplayer

The running joke in the family was that their mom (my grandmother) had a thing for the road commissioner because the kids would see a road grader parked in front of the house and nine months later they would have another brother or sister.


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## ComplicatedMarriage

My husband and I used to have a huge disconnect in this area. I was doing 99.9% of the household chores while working full-time. His only job at home. . . take out the trash and "help" as he saw fit. He spent hours on video games while I spent hours doing dishes and laundry, cooking, cleaning, and caring for children, all while also working 40+ hours outside of the home. That was a problem. It affected other parts of our marriage, particularly after having children because I wasn't interested in sex feeling that it was another chore on the list of my already overwhelming schedule (things have certainly changed there). If he's in school and he needs to work those hours to pay the bills, I think it would be reasonable for you to continue doing the housework while he is in school, as this is just a temporary situation. If you can reduce your hours at your job to have more time for household chores and downtime, then even better. We were not in a situation where we could afford to hire help back when we were in this situation, but I think that's another great option if it's affordable.

Frankly, I would do as others have mentioned and write out a list of all the chores, the ones he is doing now and what you are doing, along with the estimated time it takes to do each. I realized part of my issue was carrying the "mental load." While I'm not a feminist per se, this term summed up well what I was going through. My husband was always kind to say he would "help" if I told him what to do, and I could never quite figure out why that wasn't enough for me and I was still so exhausted until I heard this term. If you're organizing ALL of the housework and doing the bulk of it, that's a lot to deal with mentally (it's like being a project manager at a job while also having to be the employee under the project manager - too much to do both well). Women now often work just as much outside of the home and then come home to another full-time job. It's not really fair, at least if you were working similar hours to him. But I digress as that's not exactly the case for you. After making a list of what needs to be done, look at the time you each have and decide _together_ what would be fair. Maybe you need two different plans - one while he's still in school and has less time where you sacrifice some for the greater good of the marriage and then changes that are expected to take place once he has more time. Is the overtime he's working necessary or does he get paid the same salary whether he works overtime or not? Those are things to take into consideration. If he's working way more hours than should be needed for a reasonable workload while making the same amount of money regardless of the number of hours, there might be something to address there, as well. Maybe you or he also need to let go of some things that you would like to have done, but getting them done puts too much pressure on both of you and aren't necessary (I value a perfectly clean house, but sometimes it's just not reasonable to expect that to happen while keeping my sanity). Let those things go for now. Having a plan laid out of who will do what and at what frequency at least decreases the mental load that you are likely bearing most of for regular household chores and possibly childcare if you have children. If you can work together on what is reasonable for each of you, that will help resentment not to build and take the sting out of any sacrifices you are making to help him get through school because you decided together and you are doing it _for the marriage _as a couple rather than feeling resentment because you have to go it alone. Hopefully, that makes sense. This is one area of our marriage that was a problem for many years, but thankfully, things have gotten so much better. It probably won't happen overnight, and with the stress he is probably under now given all he has going on, it may take even more time. While a paid app was mentioned for chores, there are other free apps out there, too. If it helps, it's worth using.


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## Girl_power

He should at least be doing his own laundry, and cleaning up after himself. 

You make your own $, hire someone to come in and clean. It’s dumb to let this issue ruin your marriage. Your husband works hard and so do you. Spend more time appreciating each other, and pay someone to clean your house. With how busy you guys are, I can’t imagine you have any time together.


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