# Support...?



## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

I'm thinking it would be nice to have a thread where we can go to vent, ponder, reflect, update and generally just check in from time to time. Not the big stuff, just the little thoughts. Random. Everything/anything.

For me, I often have things I want to write about that aren't worthy of beginning a new thread. Just a comment about how I feel or the thing that's bugging me. Nothing big, just daily stuff. Or small questions. Or just looking for a nice comment or encouragement.

I usually write in my journal, but it goes nowhere and I get no feedback. 

Anyone interested in using a thread to dump stuff? 
A place to regularly support each other? 
A place to really get to know one another?

I'm interested and that's why I started this thread. Anyone willing to trudge through this toxic wasteland with me is MOST welcome!!


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Count me in. I don't see a counselor more than I should. Venting. Getting feedback, etc. Especially from people that have or is going through something similar as you is important and having a "Venting" or Journaling section would be nice.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Does anyone else feel very ALONE in this?

I have friends - wonderful friends - who are willing to listen/support/help in any way they can. But, I find myself unwilling to accept their help because it feels so burdensome. Their lives are so different from mine. I don't even tell people how I really feel because it's SO BAD I don't want to burden them with concern. And any details just suck because everything is related to everything then you're just rambling...

So, I stay alone.

But the people here are living in the same hell I'm in and I don't feel so burdensome here.

{{Biggest problem I have interacting with this site is the tendency to feel like a DRAMA QUEEN! Sheesh! When I write about how I'm really feeling any given moment - then look back on that in a totally different moment - I see unrecognizable... and pathetic. (But I can/will get over this)  }}

Anyway, I'm 2 months into our second-in-quick-succession separations. And each day is getting better. I'm sooooo sad though. I still cry every day, but the pain is less debilitating now. I'm very busy with my 4 kids & grandson, my budding business, and study of a new religion (Buddhism). I'm accomplishing SO MUCH! 

But, I know I'm not balanced yet. I actually FEEL quite calm, but I know I'm not. I have a (new) persistent eye twitch (attractive, huh?), I can't sit still (if I do I'm instantly asleep - can't watch an entire movie to save my life), eating is a challenge and I lose focus easily.

Compared to two weeks ago? MUCH better.
And I'm hoping for even better two weeks from now...


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> Count me in. I don't see a counselor more than I should. Venting. Getting feedback, etc. Especially from people that have or is going through something similar as you is important and having a "Venting" or Journaling section would be nice.


Hi Houston 

I'm actually on 'hiatus' from therapy completely. Flying blind here. 

Maybe we should title our thread 'The Blind Leading the Blind'

teehee...


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Such a thread would be helpful, to me, especially right now. People keep remarking about how strong I seem. At the moment I feel like the most worthless piece of human flesh ever and I'm not the one that pulled a disappearing act on my spouse. The last few days have been rife with tears, feelings of hopelessness, anger, desperation, you name it. Trying to find a job and continually being passed over, for whatever reason, is not making things any better. When will the light at the end of the tunnel appear and not be attached to a train destined to run me down?


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Cherokee,

Sometimes it sucks to hear how strong you seem because either they don't see it or want to see it. Either way, you feel obligated to continue in the 'strong' manner. And we feel more isolated.

What's your story? How long have you been separated? 

Here's the single thing that has helped me the most. My best friend (and business partner) and I went away for a weekend and spent the entire time talking, eating junk and drinking. In the continual conversations, I was able to pinpoint the areas I needed to focus on. For me they are: Personal, Professional, Family and House. I've made endless lists for each of these 4 areas and am focusing on daily attention to them.

I know this is not the answer for the pain you're feeling. It isn't making mine go away - that's for sure. But, I'm feeling better about myself and more confident about where I'm going.

For the first 2 months of our separation, I worked so hard at setting up a new household, moving my business, pondering the transition from stay-at-home mom to primary earner and the endless details involved. But I felt like my focus was scattered and my efforts weren't being maximized.

Now - with a plan - I know what I should be doing every day and why I need to do it. My efforts are not scattershot anymore.

The pain...?
I'm assuming it gets better in time.
At least that's what the rumor is...


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

@ Janie, what a wonderful idea and thread. Yes, we all need a place to go and just be. My acute pain left me some7 or 8 months ago, but some days for fleeting moments it will hit me...that what I thought i could count on and came to love with everything I have got up and left me without even saying bye. I really felt alone here as I didn't have any children or no pets ;o( so it was just me. But thank God for family and friends who helped me stay busy and the people on TAM who were a lifesaver. Every day has gotten better and I am no longer fearful of what the future holds...life is good and I am claiming the best for me and all of US ;o) Have a wonderful day.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Left you without goodbye? That is some coldblooded behavior.

I understand what you mean - you've had an entire future planned with one person and then seemingly *poof* one day you realize it won't happen.

That was one of the biggest difficulties for me - trying to envision a different future. Where to begin? Still not very sure about the future, but I'm heading there now. I hope clarity sets in soon... !!!


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## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

I think a venting thread would be great. I am 2 weeks into my husband moving out because he doesn't want to "try" anymore and wants to get his own apartment. I feel like I am dying inside. Some days I am strong, and other days, like today, I just want to stay in bed and cry. We haven't talked very much since then, and I just can't believe that he is really gone.

I am 38 with no kids. I feel like I've lost my chance to have a family, and now he has his freedom.


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

There was a thread like this a few months back, but it's good to see another. Sometimes I have nothing of substance to say other than to talk about how much I am hurting. I was doing well for a few months, good medication I guess, but I seem to have been slipping backward over the last few weeks. 

A little background:

After 23 years he decided he had had enough. Yeah, I admit, I wasn't the easiest person to live with. Depression can wreak havoc on a relationship, but I've accepted my part in what I did to cause this. My only issue is why didn't he come forward years ago when he started to check out and say "there's a problem that we need to work on"? And why, for the year before he left and he saw I was dying inside because I couldn't figure out what was going on with him, did he not say "there's a problem" instead of let me suffer so badly? We still talk, hang out, he still comes over to visit with our teenager (older child is away at school), we had dinner last night together. I still hold out a very small spark of hope, but I think I know he's not planning on coming back. I really think he's going through a mid-life thing, and will, at some point, realize what he's done, but I don't know that my heart can wait that long.

There's so much more to the story, but too much to dump on you now. Just wanted to stop by and say I appreciate this thread and look forward to communicating with all of you.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Janie said:


> Cherokee,
> 
> Sometimes it sucks to hear how strong you seem because either they don't see it or want to see it. Either way, you feel obligated to continue in the 'strong' manner. And we feel more isolated.
> 
> ...


Janie,

My saga begins in the thread "he dropped a bomb on me". That was last April. There is more than just the separation and impending divorce that I am facing and battling. Right now it is my attempt to get back in the workplace after 11 years of self employment. Not to mention menopause, empty nest syndrome, very slow recovery (2+ years from brain surgery), losing my home, my son getting married, my daughter going to NJ (staying w/her Dad), and having to leave my beloved lab (had her 11 years) with my son. Then there are the in-laws, who while declaring that I'll always be a part of the family, have not responded to even a Merry Christmas (except my one BIL and his wife, they call fairly regularly). Oh, then there is my nephew's wife who is battling cancer. I think that's everything. See now why I have trouble seeing that light and feeling that when I do it will be attached to a train scheduled to run me over?

So much on my plate but the plate has been yanked away!

I look for the posts here that offer hope and reassurance, been kind of hard to find those lately. When you started this thread I looked at it as, hopefully, a way to help lift myself out of these doldrums. I would be everso grateful for the tiniest bit of positive thinking that anyone could offer. Thank you.


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## coffee shop (Jun 6, 2011)

I think this is a good idea too. Cherokee Red you have a lot on your plate. I wish I had the words to express the positives. You are still moving ahead. It may not be at the pace you wanted but look ahead 6 months from now and think of where you will be. keep thinking positive thoughts.


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## madaboutlove (Aug 28, 2011)

I am finding that my friends and family have support burn-out. They are tired of my sadness and depression. They tell me call anytime, but they used to call me. I guess I appear to be doing well, but the truth is, the closer it gets to the actual divorce date, the more overwhelmed I feel. They tell me it will get better once the court stuff is over, I can move on. Anyone else/


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Yep, Janie...came home from work one day...and the refrigerator and mattresses were gone as well as SD furniture ;o( Not a hint, ugged me so tight tha morning leaving, I thought we were heading back in a good direction. I was devastated for 2 months and of course he left me to pay the 1800 rent for 3 months on my own ;o( the sucka did pay me back in July ;o) I missed everything about being a family, and I hurt to my bone that someone could think so little of me....but time and what you do during that time makes a big difference. I lost a relationship with my SD and that is the one area that I can not get over....it cuts like a knife not knowing how she is doing...but she is theirs not mine, sooooooo......;O(


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Where'd everybody go???


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

cherokee96red said:


> Janie,
> 
> My saga begins in the thread "he dropped a bomb on me". That was last April. There is more than just the separation and impending divorce that I am facing and battling. Right now it is my attempt to get back in the workplace after 11 years of self employment. Not to mention menopause, empty nest syndrome, very slow recovery (2+ years from brain surgery), losing my home, my son getting married, my daughter going to NJ (staying w/her Dad), and having to leave my beloved lab (had her 11 years) with my son. Then there are the in-laws, who while declaring that I'll always be a part of the family, have not responded to even a Merry Christmas (except my one BIL and his wife, they call fairly regularly). Oh, then there is my nephew's wife who is battling cancer. I think that's everything. See now why I have trouble seeing that light and feeling that when I do it will be attached to a train scheduled to run me over?
> 
> ...


It sounds like a lot you're dealing with. Overwhelming. 

But, you're still functioning 

Hope & reassurance? I don't have a lot to give - my optimism has taken a pretty hard hit, but it still flickers from time to time. 

I do know this... I will get through this. It will not be easy or quick, but I have everything I need - IN ME - to have a wonderful life. I just need to figure out where to start... one day at a time...

Here's my 2012 resolution - it offers me hope & reassurance. And reminds me my future is in MY hands.

What you are is what you've been.
What you'll be is what you do now.
~ Buddha


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

cherokee96red said:


> Where'd everybody go???


I was thinking the same thing...


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

hilly2 said:


> I think a venting thread would be great. I am 2 weeks into my husband moving out because he doesn't want to "try" anymore and wants to get his own apartment. I feel like I am dying inside. Some days I am strong, and other days, like today, I just want to stay in bed and cry. We haven't talked very much since then, and I just can't believe that he is really gone.
> 
> I am 38 with no kids. I feel like I've lost my chance to have a family, and now he has his freedom.


Wow - 2 weeks. So fresh. 

I'm at 2 months now _and some days I am strong and other days I want to stay in bed and cry_. However, the strong days are increasing in number. Still, if I need a 'mental health' day, I take it. 

Our pain is real and we need to make space for it in our life. But, we can't let it take over. 

Keep going - day by day - the pain will begin to recede and you will find some sunshine again.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

justabovewater said:


> There's so much more to the story, but too much to dump on you now. Just wanted to stop by and say I appreciate this thread and look forward to communicating with all of you.


Hi!

The stories!! How do we tell our stories? So many details. I'm considering drafting my 'nutshell' story so when someone asks I don't have to stutter - uh, it's confusing, lots of details, where to begin...

Ergh. I'm really glad we have a forum like this to communicate with others who understand the depths of despair are real.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

The biggest frustration for me right now is job hunting. I've never encountered this level of difficulty in getting a job, ever. But then I am now older and being self employed for over a decade is not helping. I've a Bachelor's degree but I guess now it's nearly obsolete. I know that employment would relieve so much pressure on me. This just sucks!!!


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Financial pressure on top of all the emotional pressure just seems unfair, but I suppose it's just part of the same game 

I'm in a similar boat - the transition from stay-at-home-mom for 15 years to head of household.

Don't give up. We will all get there...


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## Out of the Dark (Jan 11, 2012)

Janie,
I love the idea of this..I can relate to so much that has been said..in a bit of a hurry this morning. But, the comments "You're so strong, positive, blah, blah..yesterday I was having my first big meltdown (luckily, alone)..and have been doing some crazy stuff..So I have been so mad at my stbxh and his "12 yr old lawyer" lol this lawyer keeps saying things like "I don't have kids but, xyz seems to be plenty of money to raise them" So I have been collecting all of our half gallon milk containers in a large garbage bag along with all of the empty diaper boxes.Of Course, leaving the price stickers on and I was going to send them to his office..Instead, I took them all out on the kitchen counter and took tons of pics. Now I will throw them away..I am a sane person..maybe putting all of this energy into such a ridiculous thing sort of helped. As I was doing it all I just thought what would all of my girlfriends think of this?! I still want to show that lawyer the pics..half gallon milks are $7.99 where I live and my children go through one a day! Don't get me started on diapers!


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## IfIwasYourVampire (Jan 5, 2012)

i'm also going thru separation with my wife, today is our aniversary #10... its so painful to think that everything is over, she began an E/A, P/A with somebody else 9 months ago and i was in the dark, i didnt find out until recently, she has already moved on, detached herself from me, and she expects me to do the same in like what 15 days?????? we still live together and that makes it even more painful, we have 3 kids, i wanna move out but i need at least 2 months to get everything ready, in the meantime is hell everyday, every second, we are still "good friends" but thats it....


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## Out of the Dark (Jan 11, 2012)

Hi IfIwasYourVampire,
I have a million things to say to you. I am rushing once again will have more time tonight. First, a "good friend" does not put someone through hell. Second, why is she still there? At least ask her to try not to be home when you are there. Why does she get to "have her cake and eat it too?" I know that you still love her and a huge par of you "wants" to just be near her. Right now she is not going to give you that "look" or even the exact answer to all of your questions. Plus, you are probably walking around in some sort of fog right now..make her leave while you get your stuff together.
You are doing good. Hold strong. Talk later.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Out of the Dark said:


> Janie,
> I love the idea of this..I can relate to so much that has been said..in a bit of a hurry this morning. But, the comments "You're so strong, positive, blah, blah..yesterday I was having my first big meltdown (luckily, alone)..and have been doing some crazy stuff..So I have been so mad at my stbxh and his "12 yr old lawyer" lol this lawyer keeps saying things like "I don't have kids but, xyz seems to be plenty of money to raise them" So I have been collecting all of our half gallon milk containers in a large garbage bag along with all of the empty diaper boxes.Of Course, leaving the price stickers on and I was going to send them to his office..Instead, I took them all out on the kitchen counter and took tons of pics. Now I will throw them away..I am a sane person..maybe putting all of this energy into such a ridiculous thing sort of helped. As I was doing it all I just thought what would all of my girlfriends think of this?! I still want to show that lawyer the pics..half gallon milks are $7.99 where I live and my children go through one a day! Don't get me started on diapers!


OMG!! How insulting! Moron.

I'd imagine I may react exactly the same way...


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

IfIwasYourVampire said:


> i'm also going thru separation with my wife, today is our aniversary #10... its so painful to think that everything is over, she began an E/A, P/A with somebody else 9 months ago and i was in the dark, i didnt find out until recently, she has already moved on, detached herself from me, and she expects me to do the same in like what 15 days?????? we still live together and that makes it even more painful, we have 3 kids, i wanna move out but i need at least 2 months to get everything ready, in the meantime is hell everyday, every second, we are still "good friends" but thats it....


That sounds unbearable.

She should leave. And you have every right to insist that she does. It's mental and emotional torture for you! 

Do your kids know what's going on? How old are they?

Keep writing. It does help.


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## IfIwasYourVampire (Jan 5, 2012)

hey Out of the Dark, if you want to know more about my situation you can read my two threads "dead inside" and "how does wife forget about OM??" at this moment i really dont care that she keeps the house, i just want to get away so i can deal with my pain, its difficult trying to deal with the cheating and then separation when my wife is right next to me everyday, its difficult to let go because when i'm with her i have a little hope that we can 'fix" things, we get along just fine is just that she doesnt look at me like she used to, we're just good friends...... she says that we can live under the same roof with no problems, but i know my boundaries and i know that as soon as she starts goin out with OM i'm gonne, in the meantime i need time to sort everything, can't talk to my family about it, and my "best friend" is OM... i feel so depressed and alone, it hurts every passing second, but i found TAM a couple of weeks ago and it's really helped me alot, at least i know that here we are all individuals going tru similar pain and we can help each other, i see it like if we are brothers of pain... its good to be able to vent, being 'alone' was driving me crazy, and yes i also began going to group therapy


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## IfIwasYourVampire (Jan 5, 2012)

hey janie, yes it is unbearable, my kids dont know nothing about it, they're 5,3 and 1 month old, yesterday i was feeling so helpless, sad, depressed, angry, all kinds of emotions, i was feeling very violent ( i was alone at work) i wanted to break stuff or just do something stupid....... and i did.... i know is really stupid, i know... i didnt think about it, i just did it, i cut my arm with a blade it wasnt a deep cut but it bled... i was in so much emotional pain than i didnt really feel the cut, it did hurt afterwards but not at that moment.... now i'm wearing long sleeves to hide it, i have never done something like that before, it just happened..... i'm not suicidal either, i'm just inso much pain...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Janie said:


> I'm thinking it would be nice to have a thread where we can go to vent, ponder, reflect, update and generally just check in from time to time. Not the big stuff, just the little thoughts. Random. Everything/anything.
> 
> Anyone interested in using a thread to dump stuff?
> A place to regularly support each other?
> A place to really get to know one another?


TAM, in it's entirety, is a support site. Pretty much everyone on here is venting about something. It's great to hear from differing opinions. Most people on TAM are the left behind spouse, (or the betrayed spouse ), fighting at all odds to keep their marriage/relationship going. It very sad.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

IfIwasYourVampire said:


> hey janie, yes it is unbearable, my kids dont know nothing about it, they're 5,3 and 1 month old, yesterday i was feeling so helpless, sad, depressed, angry, all kinds of emotions, i was feeling very violent ( i was alone at work) i wanted to break stuff or just do something stupid....... and i did.... i know is really stupid, i know... i didnt think about it, i just did it, i cut my arm with a blade it wasnt a deep cut but it bled... i was in so much emotional pain than i didnt really feel the cut, it did hurt afterwards but not at that moment.... now i'm wearing long sleeves to hide it, i have never done something like that before, it just happened..... i'm not suicidal either, i'm just inso much pain...


The other man is your best friend? Wow.

The affair was going on for 9 months and you have a 1 mo old? (Are you sure the child is yours?)

Your 'wife' claims it's ok with her for you two to live together?

Of course it's ok! The behavior of your wife has been downright cold. She is so deeply in a fog, she is sheltered from all of your pain. 

It is important you change something soon. Your 'incident' at work is a true danger sign. Find a friend to stay with, an apartment to rent... something. Get out of that house and take time to breathe. The pressure it way too much. If you hope to be a good father to your babies, you have to take care of yourself first.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> TAM, in it's entirety, is a support site. Pretty much everyone on here is venting about something. It's great to hear from differing opinions. Most people on TAM are the left behind spouse, (or the betrayed spouse ), fighting at all odds to keep their marriage/relationship going. It very sad.


TAM has provided me much support - I'm grateful for all the good people on this forum.

And, I agree, there is so much pain here. It's good we don't have to go through it alone...


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Since my separation began (2 mos ago), I've had consistent images from the movie Titanic in my mind. The visualizations pop up unbidden.

Seems like 75% of that movie was the ship sinking. It seemed to be interminable. But inevitable.

The state of my marriage seems to reflect this is some strange way. Our ship has been sinking - FOREVER - but I feel the momentum picking up.

Remember when the ship goes vertical - that's how it feels now. 

I'm just waiting for that moment when Leo says 'this is it' - right before you take one last deep breath and the entire thing is sucked right out of existence. It feels like that moment is coming quickly...

Crazy talk? Probably...


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Janie, I have been there and done that...but I got news for you. You will not even recoignize the day that life just moves to a different place. It's like magic, slowly things resume to normal...albeit a new normal. But today, 10 months later I see everything that happened in a new light. This is exactly what was supposed to happen. The happiness I thought I was living, was not reality. I am fine with it all now. Life is good. And it will be for you too...that is my prayer for you. Just keep getting up and expecting a miracle.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

This is a good place to vent. I just said something for the first time in about a year of trying to save the marriage, pretty much all by myself. What I said was "My soon to be Ex". 

I think I kind of liked given her the description she wants.


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## mmomof3 (Apr 19, 2011)

This thread is awesome, I need this site. I hear what you all are saying about friends support waning after awhile. It's been almost 6 months for me. Things are getting better but there are still moments when it all just hits, that my life is not suppose to be this way. = / I still have a hard time at night and can't sleep.


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## AMC (Jan 25, 2012)

Sounds like a wonderful idea to me. I am usually the person everyone else turns to when they need help or just someone to listen. Seems like lately I am the one who needs to have an support system but I feel like I would be letting them down to see me in a weakened state. ( I know that is silly but it is how I feel). Anyway love your idea.


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## mmomof3 (Apr 19, 2011)

just a bad day today, could not stop thinking how could someone who knows me so completely and at one point loved me just give up and decide our marriage was not worth fighting for. just feeling utter rejection today. my only minor victory was finally getting my grocery shopping done, and i forgot the dish soap, so we get to do it again tomorrow. = / ugh


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

mmomof3 said:


> and i forgot the dish soap, so we get to do it again tomorrow. = / ugh


I keep my brain on paper now because I can't rely on it at any given time. So much wasted time walking in circles!!


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

I've experienced a massive transition in the last 2 days. 

Last week, my youngest daughter was talking about the movie "The Notebook"... she had just seen it for the first time. Just her mention of that movie led to 2 sleepless nights for me.

I'm normally not such a sap, but thinking about the real love my husband and I shared - with all the passion, energy and excitement (similar to the movie) - just knocked the wind out of me again... 

But...
In the last 2 days, I've begun to view it differently. 

I'm grateful I've loved someone so completely. He is the only man I've ever loved - and for me that's a big deal. Before him, I was certain 'love' wasn't real, or if it was, I was incapable of it.

Now, I can look back at those wonderful warm memories and instead of feeling like my heart is breaking again, I feel a sort of deep, mellow contentment that I was lucky enough to experience such a magnificent feeling and even find myself with a small smile on my face. (The pain is still there, but secondary.)

I'm even able to separate our (rare) interactions now with the memories from the past. It's as if they are two completely separate relationships. The warm, loving, kind-eyed man from my memories IS NOT the same person I'm currently separated from. 

And now I find it easier to breathe. Easier to smile. I'm hoping someday soon it will make it easier to sleep!!!

It seems like the light at the end of the tunnel is beginning to appear. I'm hoping & praying my progress continues forward because the backslides are wearing me out!!! 

I'm really grateful you all are here. It would feel very lonely writing this for nobody to see...


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

AMC said:


> Sounds like a wonderful idea to me. I am usually the person everyone else turns to when they need help or just someone to listen. Seems like lately I am the one who needs to have an support system but I feel like I would be letting them down to see me in a weakened state. ( I know that is silly but it is how I feel). Anyway love your idea.


Gets lonely being the strong one...


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Janie said:


> Gets lonely being the strong one...


:iagree:

It also gets lonely being the sad sack no one wants to be around. I seem to swing from one extreme to the other these days. But on the positive side, I hope to see the "sad" extreme less frequently. Step 1 in rebuilding me and my life has finally been started. I have gotten a job. May this be the beginning of the trend of good things for me.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

After my hearty morning sobfest (you could set your watch to them - one every morning, every evening - and a few sprinkled throughout the day to add variety), I began doubting the optimism I was feeling last night (as shown in my previous post). Now I'm in a land of confusion again. 

I wonder if this 'wallowing' is healthy? My pain is intense and deep. But I know how to toughen up -- should I? Should I allow the full force of the emotions or wall myself against them and move on? Argghhhh. I feel like I'm not explaining this well...

For example, when these sad feelings hit, I know how to dodge them. I can listen to the right song, work out, start a project... redirection... focus on empowerment. But, I usually don't because I suspect I really need to 'feel' these feelings. I want to heal. For real. Not just survive this. I'm hoping someone has some wisdom to provide...

I also realized what I'm mourning is my hope. My husband and I always knew we could be great together... but we never were. Not even close. I now know that a fusion of our strengths WOULD be great, but our weaknesses cannot coexist. The growing chasm between my romanticized memories of us and the reality of us helps lessen the pain, but it is still breathtaking. 

BTW - just to be clear, I spend the bulk of my days in mid- to highly productive mode (and getting more focused all the time). I'm juggling a lot - with moving my family & business, getting registered for school, regaining my health, figuring out the future & all that [email protected] - but I'm making steady progress and at times actually feel hopeful about a new future


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

cherokee96red said:


> I have gotten a job. May this be the beginning of the trend of good things for me.


:smthumbup: Congratulations! :smthumbup:


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## mmomof3 (Apr 19, 2011)

Janie said:


> I wonder if this 'wallowing' is healthy? My pain is intense and deep. But I know how to toughen up -- should I? Should I allow the full force of the emotions or wall myself against them and move on?


Allow yourself time to be sad too, I think it is just as important and just as valid as allowing yourself to be happy. Eventually your happy/sad extremes should mellow (i like to picture a bouncing ball). 

I like to think my rollercoaster is smoothing out, still have my bad days but more up/normal days now. I did used to cry a lot, until I just couldn't anymore really. I would realize crying wasn't doing me any good and I take a bath or give myself a facial (after that much crying I generally look like crap and need something to feel better). Just something for a pick me up to say, it's his loss. I also like to buy myself flowers, I've had more flowers now than during my entire marriage. = ) Cry when you need to and just know things will get better.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Janie
I think a place to vent is both good and bad. 

It can be helpful to share simular experiences and garner support. The down side is that reading many sad stories can make one concentrate on the negative and make one lose hope.

Conversely, it could make you realize what you have is actually good. It could spur you to try to salvage what is too good to throw away. 

That is what happened to me from reading many the post in different sections on TAM. I was about to walk out of my marriage more than 2 yrs ago. 

Our problems started when we had kids and I forgot to be a wife. My husband would not help me take up the extra load of work. Instead he would tell me how to be more efficient.

I worked full-time in a demanding profession as does he. Finally, I reached a point where I thought it would be better to be alone with my kids. 

But by happenstance, I happened to see the books in my signature while browsing in a bookstore. It changed my frame of reference dramatically. 

Realizing the affect of lavishing the bulk of my attention on my kids made my husband feel left out and unloved changed my life. My husband lost his wife. 

I broke the log-jam in the relationship and asked him about how he felt. It took time for him to tell me that what I suspected was true. That started our healing and road back to a loving balanced relationship. 

Through it all, I realized I did not understand men and he did not understand me. I spent the last 2 years learning about men and how they think. It has helped enormously. T

The posters on TAM helped me more than yrs of therapy.I was very angry and critical of men when I first started posting. 

Instead of getting the same back, there were kind and patient members who helped me look at things differently. I was able to acknowledge and own my mistakes and I am working to fix them. 

My husband in turn was able to acknowledge the mistakes that he made and is also working hard. We committed to concentrating on what we have. We both agree that is too rare a connection to give up. 

It is not perfect but I am happy I chanced upon the books and I took a chance to make the first move and worked to understand him. I have gotten a 110 fold reward for my investment.


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## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

Having a bad day today. Just missing my husband. It will be a month since he left. He has changed so much. Who is this guy?

Everyone keeps telling me how well I am doing. I don't feel like I am doing that great. I have an appt with the doctor on Tuesday. I am not proud of it, but I am thinking of getting on anti-depressants.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

hilly2 said:


> Having a bad day today. Just missing my husband. It will be a month since he left. He has changed so much. Who is this guy?
> 
> Everyone keeps telling me how well I am doing. I don't feel like I am doing that great. I have an appt with the doctor on Tuesday. I am not proud of it, but I am thinking of getting on anti-depressants.


No reason to feel shame about taking anti-depressants. If it can help even just take the edge off, why not?

One day at a time - we will survive this


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

I had an interesting experience Friday night. As I laid awake suffering from insomnia - about 2:30 am - I heard a sudden outbreak of drunken fighting next door. My reaction shocked me. I sat straight up in bed with all senses on full alert and panic coursing throughout my body.

It took a few moments to realize... that is not my life anymore.

Nobody was angry at me! I felt a surge of gratitude that my life is so different now. My life is not great (getting better every day), but at least the fighting and abuse are over. 

Since Friday, I've put some thought into my reaction that night and I can finally admit how bad it was. When I was in the situation, I hid it from everyone as well as I could. I always thought we would figure it out and it would get better. But, we didn't and it didn't.

I'm grateful for these realizations because I know they will help me heal and move on. Anyway... here's hoping...


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## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

Thanks Janie 



Janie said:


> No reason to feel shame about taking anti-depressants. If it can help even just take the edge off, why not?
> 
> One day at a time - we will survive this


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi everyone. What a great thread. Can i join? My link is at the bottom of my post if anyone is interested.

Having cried all weekend, again, i start Monday with some renewed optimism. Not so much about where our relationship is heading but from the fact that i have realised that whatever happens, i am getting stronger day by day, and the setbacks and emotional breakdowns are becoming fewer and dont last so long.

There are days when i feel i havent made any progress over the months. But this is where i would recomend keeping a journal. I dont write everday but when i read back to how i was feeling 1, 2, 6 months ago, i realise i am making progress and it really helps.

For now i am trying to think in the present and not worry to much about the future. 
Plus i am trying to recover from all my heartache by being loving, kind and forgiving to my H. Being angry and resentful causes us both more hurt and anxiety. By showing him loving kindness, thats what i recieve back and even though at times it gives me false hope of a reconciliation, it really does make things easiers to deal with.

Susan Piver has written a great book on the subject of healing from your broken heart with loving kindness. If you google her name you will find it.

Hope you all have a good Monday 
And rememeber we are in control of our own happiness, nobody else xx 


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/38012-i-miss-him-but.html


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## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

Welcome daisygirl. I have not read your story yet, but I will read it after I post this.

It has only been a month since my husband has left, so I am going through a sea of emotions. Recently, I started feeling angry and resentful towards him. But I promised myself that I will take the high road always and not let him see that side of me anymore.

He is coming by this afternoon to pick up more of his things. It is going to be very hard for me, but I know it is for the best. We were not happy together for a long time, and this separation is my chance to grow as a person and learn to love myself again. I good he takes this opportunity to do the same, but I doubt it.




daisygirl 41 said:


> Hi everyone. What a great thread. Can i join? My link is at the bottom of my post if anyone is interested.
> 
> Having cried all weekend, again, i start Monday with some renewed optimism. Not so much about where our relationship is heading but from the fact that i have realised that whatever happens, i am getting stronger day by day, and the setbacks and emotional breakdowns are becoming fewer and dont last so long.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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