# I may not be the father



## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

I found out that my wife cheated on me 22 years ago then again 2 years later. Both times were one night stands while I was deployed in the Navy.

I just found all this out 4 days ago and am trying to cope. At the beginning of the week I had the ideal marriage but now I'm a mess. We were so good together my son would tell us we should counsel others about marriage. I don't want to throw this away and am trying to work things out.

She says these are the only two times she has cheated. I believe her because our marriage has been so great for the last 10 years and don't believe she would lie to me now. Her mother told me about the first incident which was the only one she knew about. My wife came clean about the second one immediately after I confronted her about the first.

One of my biggest problems is that the first incident casts doubt about if I am my son's biological father. I felt he had a right to know about this problem so my wife and I told him about it. My son and I both agree that we don't care if I am the biological father. I am the father that matters. We have decided not to do any testing to determine if I am the bio-dad. Now I don't know if this was the right decision. I can't bring it back up with him for fear of hurting him.

If anyone has dealt with a similar issue I'd like to know how you handled it. Sorry this was so long and thanks for any advice.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Hard to believe the timing of her cheating was such that there would be doubt about your fatherhood. Yeah I know sometines deploys can be brief like for quals but typically one is away for extended periods?

So what exactly were these circmstances?

So why would her mother tell you now?


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> Her mother told me about the first incident which was the only one she knew about.


This is a surprise 

Her own mother told you about it? Why? I mean, it's not usual that the wife's own family (much less her mother) tell the husband about an affair she had. :scratchhead: 



> She says these are the only two times she has cheated. I believe her because our marriage has been so great for the last 10 years and don't believe she would lie to me now.


This may hurt, but she did lie to you for decades. What makes you think she would not lie to you now?



> One of my biggest problems is that the first incident casts doubt about if I am my son's biological father. I felt he had a right to know about this problem so my wife and I told him about it. My son and I both agree that we don't care if I am the biological father. I am the father that matters. We have decided not to do any testing to determine if I am the bio-dad. Now I don't know if this was the right decision. I can't bring it back up with him for fear of hurting him.


Get tested. This doubt will eat you up all your life. If you're the bio dad then it will put your mind at ease. If you're not, then, well... You will not be much worse than you are now. 

Do you want some help doing the math on the dates? Maybe we can spot something you didn't.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

" We have decided not to do any testing to determine if I am the bio-dad. Now I don't know if this was the right decision. I can't bring it back up with him for fear of hurting him."

I sounds like it is more out of fear of revealing that your wife cheated that you wish to remain silent .

If you are concerned about your son not being yours then I have no doubt your wife knows more about this than she is saying and by her silence has lied to you. While you may not see it now your wife does what many cheaters do, they remain silent and hope the problem will go away.

I suggest you both sit with your son , your wife explains that she had an affair and that he may not be your genetic son . Give him the choice of having a test . Not doing this may cause a huge problem in the future , perhaps he has children and one is sick , the doctors indicate that you as the grandfather can donate part of yourself to save the child and the truth is revealed. Or someone else knows including the possible father and he pitches up. Extreme examples I know , not dealing with the truth makes you complicate in the lie.

It's should not be a decision to tell you son, the decision is how?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I must caution you that affairs can go so deep underground that when you as the BS think your marriage has been great it often is the case that she is deceiving you.

These words are not to sway your current thinking they are to warn you that those in affairs follow a script and your situation is not unique. I strongly suggest you find out everything about her OM's and find them . Do not convince yourself that your wife is being truthful, she has successfully lied to you for much of your marriage and the only reason you found out is her mother told you, that implies your wife is able to compartmentalise her affair and put on a great show to you.

Please do not let this pass by without thorough investigation and I would go so far as to suggest a polygraph to verify the truth.

I can assure you of one thing your wife will know if your son is yours or not , what you cannot accept is her words - verify them 

Words and advice from cheaters to each other ; if caught , lie lie lie . We dont even have to make this up as they publicly post this advice to fellow cheaters.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She got pregnant on a ONS. Right!!


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

People usually keep dark secrets to themselves.
One Night Stands fall within that category. But sometimes a partner may feel confident enough in a relationship to clear their guilty conscience.
However,I cannot see the logic in her opening that paternity 
" can of worms " based on her indiscretion many years ago.
Maybe i'm wrong ,but information is missing.
She is not saying something.
My suggestion is to talk with her again, establish a timeline,and listen carefully to what she is NOT saying.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

It happened to me twice with her son and daughter
I didn't find out until she served me the papers. The boy had graduated from college and his sister just finished this past spring.
Turs out they had different fathers and there might have been more, but she had her tubes tied. I don't really have any suggestions about
his finding his biological father and anything I did say would be of little value since their mother has no idea who the guys were.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Hard to believe the timing of her cheating was such that there would be doubt about your fatherhood. Yeah I know sometines deploys can be brief like for quals but typically one is away for extended periods?
> 
> So what exactly were these circmstances?
> 
> So why would her mother tell you now?


I was on a 3 month deployment. She must have had the affair shortly before I got back. When I got back she refused to have sex with me for about 2 weeks. At the time she said she didn't know if she wanted to stay married. Now she says it was because she was disgusted with herself. She says she had a period after the affair and before I got home. After about two weeks we began having sex again, then few weeks later she found out she was pregnant. The exact timing of all this is hard to determine because it was 22 years ago.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

costa200 said:


> This is a surprise
> 
> Her own mother told you about it? Why? I mean, it's not usual that the wife's own family (much less her mother) tell the husband about an affair she had. :scratchhead:


Her mother is really quite a bad person. We've had a falling out with her for reasons too numerous to list. My wife told her not to contact us ever again. The next day she left me a voice mail telling me about the affair. She said my wife hurt her so now she was done protecting her.



> This may hurt, but she did lie to you for decades. What makes you think she would not lie to you now?


We were both bad spouses back then; but I never cheated. We were not happy but too stubborn to quit and we already had two other children at the time. We have both become Christians since then and I've seen the change in her. As I said, we truly had a wonderful marriage 5 days ago. So much so, that others including our children comment about it.



> Get tested. This doubt will eat you up all your life. If you're the bio dad then it will put your mind at ease. If you're not, then, well... You will not be much worse than you are now.
> 
> Do you want some help doing the math on the dates? Maybe we can spot something you didn't.


My problem here is that I already told him it didn't matter to me. In the most important sense, it doesn't matter. I will love him the same regardless. I don't want him to get the impression that I would love him differently by wanting to find out. I really don't care; but as you said the doubt is eating me up.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

An observation, perhaps her mother is a "bad" person because she has been keeping your wife's lies safe and it has been eating her alive. 

If you desire peace of mind and your son knows then ask for a sample to have a test, and stop taking the blame for your wife affair . I suspect as you think 22 years ago is a long time you can rug sweep this, hard experience tells us that time is of no consequence when you discover an affair and no healing will occur unless the truth is known. The suggestion for her to create a time line is a good one as the paternaty doubt from your wife does not stack up.

I furthermore suggest you get some individual counciling, it reads like the emotional rollercoaster ride is starting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

confusedFather said:


> My problem here is that I already told him it didn't matter to me. In the most important sense, it doesn't matter. I will love him the same regardless. I don't want him to get the impression that I would love him differently by wanting to find out. I really don't care; but as you said the doubt is eating me up.


You really sound like you're trying to convince yourself that it doesn't matter, but it does. Now, if I were to find out that my son wasn't mine after having raised him his whole life, it wouldn't matter to me either because I love him. But there are practical reasons for you to find out, such as blood & organ compatibility in case of an emergency or sickness.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

confusedFather said:


> Her mother is really quite a bad person. We've had a falling out with her for reasons too numerous to list. My wife told her not to contact us ever again. The next day she left me a voice mail telling me about the affair. *She said my wife hurt her so now she was done protecting her.*
> 
> 
> We were both bad spouses back then; but I never cheated. We were not happy but too stubborn to quit and we already had two other children at the time. We have both become Christians since then and I've seen the change in her. *As I said, we truly had a wonderful marriage 5 days ago. * So much so, that others including our children comment about it.
> ...




Your MIL may have been the enabler for the A, she may have always wanted to tell you may be she may have realized you as a good person deserve truth, and unburdened her guilt when she got an opportunity.

Your wonderful marriage was built on lies and deceit for 22 yrs. If you are not the father then definitely she know that and she hide this fact from you for 22yrs. Paternity fraud.

Dont make your life a living hell by not knowing the truth. Truth is the only thing which can relive you from this pain.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

confusedFather said:


> I found out that my wife cheated on me 22 years ago then again 2 years later. Both times were one night stands while I was deployed in the Navy.


You wouldn't have found out if your MIL didn't expose your WW, and she would have taken this secret to the grave. So for 22 years, your marriage has been a lie. The problem is, you don't know if this was the extent of her cheating. If there is one thing cheaters ALWAYS do, is minimize the extent of their cheating. This is called Trickle Truth. I believe there is a helluva lot more that she hasn't admitted to yet.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

hookares said:


> It happened to me twice with her son and daughter
> I didn't find out until she served me the papers. The boy had graduated from college and his sister just finished this past spring.
> Turs out they had different fathers and there might have been more, but she had her tubes tied. I don't really have any suggestions about
> his finding his biological father and anything I did say would be of little value since their mother has no idea who the guys were.


Wow. So she denied you a biological child. Yes I know we can love all children BUT, she had children by other men and then did not have one with you. That would hurt me as bad as anything frankly.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

While possible is it really likely she would have a ONS close to whe her husband was coming back from a deployemnt? These deployments are typically not a matter of days but months. So if she did have sex just prior to him coming back I would say the odds are favorable that this was not a ONS but something more of an affair. Also if she did have a ONS tice while he was deployed for very short durations why would she not do this when he was deployed for longer periods? I think she is minimizing. And does her mom really know? Maybe her mom found evidence and the wife minimized it to her.

Also what are the odds that children came of one or both of these events? She was not on birth control? They did not use a condom? Amazing. Yes all possible. Just less likely than other possibilities.

Again why would her mother speak up now. I suppose since the children are grown she may be ready for the marriage to die and decided to kill it.

Who were these guys?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Eli-Zor said:


> I must caution you that affairs can go so deep underground that when you as the BS think your marriage has been great it often is the case that she is deceiving you.
> 
> These words are not to sway your current thinking they are to warn you that those in affairs follow a script and your situation is not unique. I strongly suggest you find out everything about her OM's and find them . *Do not convince yourself that your wife is being truthful, she has successfully lied to you for much of your marriage and the only reason you found out is her mother told you, that implies your wife is able to compartmentalise her affair and put on a great show to you*.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree: This


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Wow. So she denied you a biological child. Yes I know we can love all children BUT, she had children by other men and then did not have one with you. That would hurt me as bad as anything frankly.


It's past the "hurting stage". At least that is what I keep telling myself. But, how do I justify coming to these boards when all I can add is my experience in failing?
The kids seemed to get over it and both are on their way to productive lives just as long as they don't allow their mother to drag them back into her cesspool.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Chances are good that you may not be the only one haunted by the uncertainty of your son's paternity. Your wife and son may also be experiencing episodes of anxiety with regards to this issue. It's important that you talk with both of them and ask if the paternity issue is something that is on their minds as well and that if they are both willing, that you are open to paternity testing to put to rest once and for all, the uncertainty. Better for all parties to know the truth than be forever haunted. The truth doesn't hurt but the lies and deception do, even when they are self inflicted.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Do not bury the truth. Do not minimize the truth. Go and find out all the truth you can.

If you dont, you will destroy yourself mentally, slowly but surely. The lack of information and ignorance will make you a bitter old man. You should not be looking forward to this.

Your mother-in-law (MIL) kept this secret and look at the damage done between her and your family. Your wife is constantly fighting with her mother. Do your kids have a good relationship with their grandmother?

Do not be afraid to face reality head on. The truth will set you free. You always have an informed choice to reconcile or divorce after you find out the truth.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> Also what are the odds that children came of one or both of these events?


Well, this is why mathematics is not really what we use here. Women don't cheat on random days. Studies demonstrate that most affairs get physical while the woman is on her fertile days. It's an hormonal thing. Actually part of the human female reproductive strategy.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Don't hide from the truth. It will eat away at you through doubt.

get the DNA test done. You'll still be father-son, it'll just be different DNA not different parenting.

As for you wife - she's had 22 years of practice both keeping this secret AND having a plan on what to say to minimize it when it came out.

Take her immediately to a polygraph operator and probe about how many men, how many times. Was it only ONS or did it continue. Ask if she's been unfaithful in the last 10years and if she is currently being unfailthful too.

don't rugsweep.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Well, this is why mathematics is not really what we use here. Women don't cheat on random days. Studies demonstrate that most affairs get physical while the woman is on her fertile days. It's an hormonal thing. Actually part of the human female reproductive strategy.


Quite right. Plus they are attracted to a different "type" during the fertile days. Larger muscles, heavier brow, facial scars, tough and slightly scary.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

OP, Mori, Shaggy and others are absolutely right on. You actually have no idea how long, how many times, or how many men your wife has cheated with, and you won't until you investigate and investigate and investigate until there is no more information you will need. For both personal and practical reasons you NEED to get a paternity test done. It will help with medical matters , but it will also give you a lot of new information regarding her affairs. MAKE HER TAKE A POLYGRAPH!!!!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I was raised by a man that wasn't my father. I can tell you that he WAS my dad. 

I know it's not the same, but...if he isn't your bio-child, would have change anything? (other than disgust for your wife).


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## shazam (Nov 7, 2011)

I understand you want to believe the whole becoming Christian thing created a significant change in your wife, but I've read bizarre things like people thinking that praying God forgave them for their infidelity therefore they don't have to tell their spouse about the cheating. I've even heard priests and rabbi's advocate about lying about these things. It sounds like you want to stay with her which is fine, but I would get the DNA test just because you need closure. Telling your son is up to you, he may not want to know.


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