# Feel like giving up



## Lanah (Dec 16, 2019)

We're both in our upper 40s, been married 16 years. I've been trying for a few months to fix some things in our marriage, well mainly with myself. We rarely had sex so after lots of talking few months back he told me he would try harder at least once a week. We've been at least having sex every other week, but I'd love for it to be more. He use to initiate in the past but I would turn him down sometimes. I was turned off alot because he would get so angry and yell at me and throw tantrums and threaten divorce whenever I'd bring something up that would bother me. It's been over a year since he acted like that so I've decided a few months ago I wanted to show him more affection and attention, this took alot for me to do, but I wanted to cause I thought maybe he has really changed now and I was hoping he'd also reciprocate it. Last night I was in the bedroom and sent him a message to come to the bedroom with a naughty pic of myself. He told me I was nuts, then comes in the bedroom and says he'll be back in a few minutes, he was watching a hallmark movie. I waited for 30 minutes and I go to the living room, find him with the laptop on and I ask him what happened, he said another movie came on. I told him I thought he was gonna come to the bedroom for some alone time with me. He gets very defensive, starts fidgeting around, turning off the laptop, cussing under his breath, and saying stuff like "I swear to god". We go to the bedroom hes complaining the whole time. We end up talking and he tells me I need to get it under control "my horniness". So I just start touching myself and then he stops me and he does it. This morning I told him I felt like I MADE him finger me last night and he says "what? No, you needed it. I don't care to do that for you" and hes told me 3 times this morning he loves me. Hes so hot and cold and it confuses me like crazy. I know one thing I'll never initiate again.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Has he had his testosterone levels checked lately?


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## Lanah (Dec 16, 2019)

He won't have it checked, even tho he first told me he would.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Lanah said:


> He won't have it checked, even tho he first told me he would.


I wonder if those “Hallmark Movies” are a bit more x rated than he’s letting on. If he’s looking at a lot of porn and maybe jacking off to it then that may explain his lack of interest in having sex with you.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Doesn’t every guy watch hallmark movies late at night on their laptops? Maybe it’s just me, but dig a little deeper into his late night habits.


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## Lanah (Dec 16, 2019)

Andy1001 said:


> I wonder if those “Hallmark Movies” are a bit more x rated than he’s letting on. If he’s looking at a lot of porn and maybe jacking off to it then that may explain his lack of interest in having sex with you.


It was a hallmark movie I saw it on, lol.. I've never seen him watch porn, never found anything on his phone either. Even when he was touching me in bed, his eyes were glued to the tv watching the movie. I just feel like pleasuring me is a chore for him.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

I am sorry, but something is wrong with him. 

I don't know if he is closet gay, asexual, porn or whatever. 

But from your posts, just so you know, some of the stuff you did sounded a little manipulative, and it really seems like there are still some major communication issue in your marriage.

I don't know if it will work, but you have to sit him down, with no distractions, and prepare for his anger and tell him the following...

H, I love you, but if we don't figure out what the issue with sex is, then I will be filing for divorce. 

It has to be that blunt. And if that does not work then follow through with D. 

Bold strong action is usually the only way to fix this type of stuff and some times not even then...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Lanah said:


> It was a hallmark movie I saw it on, lol.. I've never seen him watch porn, never found anything on his phone either. Even when he was touching me in bed, his eyes were glued to the tv watching the movie. I just feel like pleasuring me is a chore for him.


Sorry but take that tv out of the bedroom.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

To begin with, if my husband had ever - even once - threatened to divorce me, I would have told him to go ahead. When someone makes threats like that and doesn't follow through, they are not only emotionally immature but playing the control freak game. 

Have you ever watched a Hallmark Channel movie? I mean, to say they are chick flicks is an understatement. They're all the same crap recycled over and over. And if a guy is watching them and actually enjoying them, my mind says "gay guy." 

And I'm in total agreement with @BluesPower on this one. I rarely advocate for divorce as the first solution. But your husband sounds like a jerk, and a gay jerk at that. JMO.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Lanah

What you are dealing with is sadly not all that unusual. Men are apparently as likely as women to make their marriage sexless. Here is a link to a thread on the topic. It's a long thread, but read at least the first couple of pages as they list resources that you might find helpful.

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

I don't initiate either. Like you, it doesn't work well in my relationship. My DH is LD and he's set the "rules" that we'll only do it when he wants to. Not explicitly stated rules but that's the dynamic that he's set up.

So you're not only with this struggle.

Sometimes I just want so badly to be desired and I wonder what's wrong with me that he doesn't always want to jump on me like with other guys. I've never been with a guy that wasn't super horny. We're still young and have no kids so i can only imagine what it could be like later. I am in good shape so it's not like I let myself go or anything. Guys hit on me all the time and TBH, i'm starting to crave that for affirmation and validation as I think it's called. Or just attention. I hate that this is the case but if your own DH doesn't seem to want you or be aroused by you then how do you deal with it?


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Lanah said:


> It was a hallmark movie I saw it on, lol.. I've never seen him watch porn, never found anything on his phone either. Even when he was touching me in bed, his eyes were glued to the tv watching the movie. I just feel like pleasuring me is a chore for him.


You just diagnosed and confirmed his low testosterone. A dude watching a hallmark movie and uninterested in his horny wife practically begging to be pounded through the mattress has low T. Unless he's not into women.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Lanah said:


> but I'd love for it to be more. He use to initiate in the past but I would turn him down sometimes. I was turned off alot because he would get so angry and yell at me and throw tantrums and threaten divorce whenever I'd bring something up that would bother me. It's been over a year
> 
> I know one thing I'll never initiate again.


I am going a different way of thinking here, 16 yrs of of him trying to initiate. Then you was turned off. You were angry because he threw tantrum's, Now he threw the tantrum's because you denied he sex!

Then he threatened DIVORCE, 

Because you would not have sex with him. And you used sex to control him, he stayed because now he's co-dependent on you so it worked for you.

Now your here, and wondering, why he doesn't initiate? 

You know it when you kindly call a dog over, and when the dog comes to you and you kick that dog in the head each time. That dog doesn't want to come to you much more. Because it doesn't like the kicks to the head.

Then it's been a year since you brought up something that bother you. 

If l am wrong, share here honestly. You are anonymous to us all. 

And now you will never initiate anymore. It can only go more south. Your honest reply will help in giving you the correct advice.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Lanah said:


> It was a hallmark movie I saw it on, lol.. I've never seen him watch porn, never found anything on his phone either. Even when he was touching me in bed, his eyes were glued to the tv watching the movie. I just feel like pleasuring me is a chore for him.


The only advice worth a dime we got as a couple in MC was...."Never have a TV in the bedroom, or turn it off when you want to have sex"

The sad truth is..In any relationship, the person with the most power is the one who needs the other the least. 
He needs a talking to from a BH!!


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Good on you for working on this. 

Sounds like conscious uncoupling. You also have resentment + Low T. The movie thing is just avoidance behavior. 

I would argue that there’s a lot of emotional damage you’ve inflicted on each other. I’m sensing a man shamed for his sexuality, rejected repeatedly and a wife who just hasn’t shown pure sexual desire for her husband. Nor has she been cognizant of his love languages.

In man-speak: you have told him you love him but aren’t in love with him. You’re not true problem he is. You just don’t want him to show his love for you sexually. Men consciously uncouple when rebuffed like that. You friend-zoned your spouse. Now that you’re trying, he probably doesn’t believe you or trust you. Or is passively-aggressive saying “now you know how I felt... enjoy”

If you really wanna fix this you need to drop your defenses and own your rejections and all the other love language disconnects. Owning your faults is sexy (at least to me). You have to lure him back with vulnerability not get mad at him for not wanting to walk thru a mine-laden DMZ to fix your relationship.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Is he willing to go to marriage counseling? Is it possible there is just a lot of pent up anger / resentment? 

Was he enthusiastic about sex earlier in the marriage, and was the change sudden or gradual? 

Any medical issues / medication?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> I wonder if those “Hallmark Movies” are a bit more x rated than he’s letting on. If he’s looking at a lot of porn and maybe jacking off to it then that may explain his lack of interest in having sex with you.


My thoughts exactly. I’m sorry that he’s rejecting your initiations; that hurts, I know. Bear in mind though that you rejected him in the past for your own reasons, I understand. But rejection is rejection; this happened in my marriage too, and you can only be rejected so much before you lose interest completely. Sounds to me like he’s in the process of checking out of the marriage.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

You rejected him, he destroyed the trust with his anger, then detached and stopped being angry because there was nothing to be angry about. Now you want him back, but it's too late...


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## temet nostre (Oct 10, 2019)

It looks like he is angry with you about something,
Maybe, in the past, you have treated your husband more like a child and be to control or show him a lack of respect. He don't want have sax with you sex until his personal battle for respect wll be won. 
Stop making love with wife is man's way for gender equality.


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## Lanah (Dec 16, 2019)

uhtred said:


> Is he willing to go to marriage counseling? Is it possible there is just a lot of pent up anger / resentment?
> 
> Was he enthusiastic about sex earlier in the marriage, and was the change sudden or gradual?
> 
> Any medical issues / medication?


Yes he takes alot of meds for an illness he has. Side effects of those meds are irritability and mood swings. He has a job hes very good at but it's very stressful and hes had it way before we knew each other. I have heard him talk to his mother like a dog, tells her to shut up etc. I've told him he shouldn't do that but he says she gets on his nerve. He was never super enthusiastic about sex, like wanting it all the time, but enjoyed it and initiated it, I didn't have a problem with it either. After about 3 years into our marriage I had health problems and had to have surgery (endometriosis) which made sex very painful, on top of that is when he started getting angrier. Any time I would try to talk to him about something no matter what it was he'd get defensive and eventually lash out. I was driving him to work one time and he asked me what was wrong I told him about something and I guess cause I just kept on talking about it he told me to drop it so I did but he was so mad he took his fist hit the dash and SCREAMED so loud it hurt my ear. I was in a nervous wreck. So anyone who says it's my fault for turning him down, really why would anyone want to have sex with someone who screams in your ear and acts like that. 5 years ago I got very sick again and had to quit work. It's taken me up til now since hes actually been doing better, no more screaming fits, and my health problems seem to have improved finally. I wanna fix things between us. I have told him repeatedly how sorry I am for causing any pain, or pushing him away in the past. Hes apologized also and we've both cried over the things in the past but wanna move on and do better. I know I have changed in the past few months he told me he sees it to. But he needs to deal with his stress and anger and point it away from me cause it pushes me away and I can't help it. His inconsistency has been my biggest concern right now, one minute hes loving me, next hes mad at me, vice versa. Another thing, he teases me alot than leaves me frustrated. He will come up behind me grab my boobs, play with my nipples, turn me on big time and than walk off. That's cruel and I don't know why he does it, I've told him how it makes me feel. I've changed alot about myself and am still trying to but I wanna see him do the same for me. I know I'm bad to pout, have been all my life and that's hard to admit but I wanna be a better person. I asked him the other night is there anything about me he thinks I need to work on or change and he said theres nothing I need to change... I told him to be honest, cause I wanted to work on it but he insisted gheres nothing.


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## Lanah (Dec 16, 2019)

uhtred said:


> Is he willing to go to marriage counseling? Is it possible there is just a lot of pent up anger / resentment?
> 
> Was he enthusiastic about sex earlier in the marriage, and was the change sudden or gradual?
> 
> Any medical issues / medication?





temet nostre said:


> It looks like he is angry with you about something,
> Maybe, in the past, you have treated your husband more like a child and be to control or show him a lack of respect. He don't want have sax with you sex until his personal battle for respect wll be won.
> Stop making love with wife is man's way for gender equality.


We've talked alot about this and hes explained to me its age related for him and more than likely low t. Hes 45.. he does have a difficulty keeping it up sometimes. When we do have sex or attempt I've been more adventurous with him and he said he loves it but when I want to have sex it's on his terms, when he feels like it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Lanah said:


> It was a hallmark movie I saw it on, lol.. I've never seen him watch porn, never found anything on his phone either. Even when he was touching me in bed, his eyes were glued to the tv watching the movie. I just feel like pleasuring me is a chore for him.


I can say DW and I decided when empty nesters to not have a tv in the bedroom. Bedrooms for us are for sex, reading, sleeping. Or yes, sometimes Netflix on PC or smartphone. 

🥰 actually the whole house is for sex now !! ❤❤👍👍

But seriously, no tv show us worth postponing sex until "later" except mutually agreeable football games and even then I can be had.

Is there a chance there are unresolved other issues still impacting sex? He does seem a bit hot and cold.

Maybe you need to tell him clearly that you're upping your sex availability to him, to bring him up to speed.


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## Lanah (Dec 16, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I can say DW and I decided when empty nesters to not have a tv in the bedroom. Bedrooms for us are for sex, reading, sleeping. Or yes, sometimes Netflix on PC or smartphone.
> 
> 🥰 actually the whole house is for sex now !! ❤❤👍👍
> 
> ...


He insists theres nothing wrong with me at all and really thinks its low t, has no desire, he's tired all the time and stressed to. I've told him different times ANY time he wants to I'm there, just tell me. I don't plan on turning him down. I've made that VERY clear. I send him dirty messages with pics of myself, whisper dirty stuff to him, stuff I've never done and said before. Maybe I scare him? Lol


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Lanah said:


> We've talked alot about this and hes explained to me its age related for him and more than likely low t. Hes 45.. he does have a difficulty keeping it up sometimes. .



I'm 45 and I do not "personally" think that 45 year old men in general have issues. While every Viagra commercial in the world would like you to believe otherwise...I simply do not think its true.

I would pursue the avenue of trying to get him checked.

If all else fails I'll give you my cell phone number in case your phone memory is getting full LOL !!! >


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Lanah said:


> So anyone who says it's my fault for turning him down, really why would anyone want to have sex with someone who screams in your ear and acts like that. 5 years ago I got very sick again and had to quit work. It's taken me up til now since hes actually been doing better, no more screaming fits, and my health problems seem to have improved finally. I wanna fix things between us. I have told him repeatedly how sorry I am for causing any pain, or pushing him away in the past. Hes apologized also and we've both cried over the things in the past but wanna move on and do better.



Obviously who wants sex with a monster (how bad it was didn’t come out in the original post thanks for clearing that up). Low T coupled with the mood swings definitely doesn’t help. I’m on HRT and when I’m on the low end before a re-up, I definitely get moody and clears up 36 hours after my next injection. Perhaps HRT will help offset the other stuff. Glad to hear you’re both committed to get over being broken together.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Lanah said:


> We're both in our upper 40s, been married 16 years. I've been trying for a few months to fix some things in our marriage, well mainly with myself. We rarely had sex so after lots of talking few months back he told me he would try harder at least once a week. We've been at least having sex every other week, but I'd love for it to be more. He use to initiate in the past but I would turn him down sometimes. ....So I just start touching myself and then he stops me and he does it. This morning I told him I felt like I MADE him finger me last night and he says "what? No, you needed it. I don't care to do that for you" and hes told me 3 times this morning he loves me. Hes so hot and cold and it confuses me like crazy. I know one thing I'll never initiate again.


Let me explain to you what I felt when I was in a sex starved marriage with a partner that didn't want to have sex with me.

I felt like I was not sexually desired by my wife. In fact she told me many times in different ways that she had no sexual desire for me. That kind of sucks all the wanting to bring flowers, do things for her out the window. It also made me feel that I needed to not become vulnerable emotionally around her. So I built up walls around myself to protect myself from her rejections. It hurt my health. I would go to bed far later than her, so that when I put my head on the pillow I was so exhausted I would fall asleep. Otherwise, I would crawl into be next to the woman I wanted to have sex with who had no desire for me and be in agony until I fell asleep. 

He is hurting. He is probably to blame for part of how you are treating him and YOU are probably to blame for part of how he is treating you. You both need to figure out how to stop this toxic game the two of you are playing and build on your relationship. For most people that involves some form of marriage counseling. It is not about "i" statements or such, it is about understanding what you each need from each other and how important it is to give each other what they need.

One of the hard lessons I needed to learn was that my wife felt I was always pawing at her or trying to sweet talk my way into her panties. It turns out that my Chapman 5 languages of love lover languages are touch and words of affirmation. I was trying to tell her that I loved her, but she couldn't understand what I was saying.

Good luck. I strongly suggest counseling.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

That seems to be very bad behavior on his part in multiple ways - as if he is angry at or blaming you. Separate from the sex life issues was he like this before the meds? Early in your marriage? Did it gradually start, or was it sudden - if it wasn't always there.

Its a terrible thing for you to have to put up with that sort of behavior. He gets extremely angry, does he ever hit you?

Certainly you are not to blame for turning him down under the conditions you describe. His teasing you (not in a nice way) seems to fit the pattern of anger and resentment. Does he believe he has something to be angry about -even if its not true or reasonable? (other than your turning him down for sex when he was extremely angry - or does he blame you for that).

If its possible the meds are causing this behavior, is he willing to talk to his doctor about that? 

This isn't normal and you shouldn't feel you need to continue living like this. He needs to find a way to make this better, you can't fix it by yourself. 






Lanah said:


> Yes he takes alot of meds for an illness he has. Side effects of those meds are irritability and mood swings. He has a job hes very good at but it's very stressful and hes had it way before we knew each other. I have heard him talk to his mother like a dog, tells her to shut up etc. I've told him he shouldn't do that but he says she gets on his nerve. He was never super enthusiastic about sex, like wanting it all the time, but enjoyed it and initiated it, I didn't have a problem with it either. After about 3 years into our marriage I had health problems and had to have surgery (endometriosis) which made sex very painful, on top of that is when he started getting angrier. Any time I would try to talk to him about something no matter what it was he'd get defensive and eventually lash out. I was driving him to work one time and he asked me what was wrong I told him about something and I guess cause I just kept on talking about it he told me to drop it so I did but he was so mad he took his fist hit the dash and SCREAMED so loud it hurt my ear. I was in a nervous wreck. So anyone who says it's my fault for turning him down, really why would anyone want to have sex with someone who screams in your ear and acts like that. 5 years ago I got very sick again and had to quit work. It's taken me up til now since hes actually been doing better, no more screaming fits, and my health problems seem to have improved finally. I wanna fix things between us. I have told him repeatedly how sorry I am for causing any pain, or pushing him away in the past. Hes apologized also and we've both cried over the things in the past but wanna move on and do better. I know I have changed in the past few months he told me he sees it to. But he needs to deal with his stress and anger and point it away from me cause it pushes me away and I can't help it. His inconsistency has been my biggest concern right now, one minute hes loving me, next hes mad at me, vice versa. Another thing, he teases me alot than leaves me frustrated. He will come up behind me grab my boobs, play with my nipples, turn me on big time and than walk off. That's cruel and I don't know why he does it, I've told him how it makes me feel. I've changed alot about myself and am still trying to but I wanna see him do the same for me. I know I'm bad to pout, have been all my life and that's hard to admit but I wanna be a better person. I asked him the other night is there anything about me he thinks I need to work on or change and he said theres nothing I need to change... I told him to be honest, cause I wanted to work on it but he insisted gheres nothing.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'm 10 years older and have not lost my sex drive, but of course people vary. Some men do have difficulty keeping it up when they are older, but that's why god gave men fingers and tongues.....





Lanah said:


> We've talked alot about this and hes explained to me its age related for him and more than likely low t. Hes 45.. he does have a difficulty keeping it up sometimes. When we do have sex or attempt I've been more adventurous with him and he said he loves it but when I want to have sex it's on his terms, when he feels like it.


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## Lanah (Dec 16, 2019)

uhtred said:


> I'm 10 years older and have not lost my sex drive, but of course people vary. Some men do have difficulty keeping it up when they are older, but that's why god gave men fingers and tongues.....


 that's exactly what I feel... I understand not being able to have intercourse but why can't he use fingers or tongue. That's one thing I can't figure out. It's like he doesn't want to get turned on. Because if he is touching me and I reach down and start touching him, he eventually gets hard. I want him to enjoy it to, it doesn't feel fair just for me to be enjoying it.


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## Lanah (Dec 16, 2019)

uhtred said:


> That seems to be very bad behavior on his part in multiple ways - as if he is angry at or blaming you. Separate from the sex life issues was he like this before the meds? Early in your marriage? Did it gradually start, or was it sudden - if it wasn't always there.
> 
> Its a terrible thing for you to have to put up with that sort of behavior. He gets extremely angry, does he ever hit you?
> 
> ...


No he has never hit me, grabbed me or anything. I think he is angry with what life has dealt him sometimes, his illness has taken away alot of his freedom. He depends on me for taking him places, since he can't drive. He constantly says all he does is come home and go to work. He was on a medication that really made him yell and act out toward me, since hes been off that hes not been doing that now. Hes actually mellowed out than what he use to be, he just has these attitude spells once in awhile now like he did the other night.


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## Lanah (Dec 16, 2019)

Young at Heart said:


> Let me explain to you what I felt when I was in a sex starved marriage with a partner that didn't want to have sex with me.
> 
> I felt like I was not sexually desired by my wife. In fact she told me many times in different ways that she had no sexual desire for me. That kind of sucks all the wanting to bring flowers, do things for her out the window. It also made me feel that I needed to not become vulnerable emotionally around her. So I built up walls around myself to protect myself from her rejections. It hurt my health. I would go to bed far later than her, so that when I put my head on the pillow I was so exhausted I would fall asleep. Otherwise, I would crawl into be next to the woman I wanted to have sex with who had no desire for me and be in agony until I fell asleep.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for this insight! Yes its exactly what he does, he comes to bed late, turns his back toward me. It feels like hes avoiding me. I have asked him, if there is anything he needs from me but he says just keep loving him.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

He sounds exactly like my husband. His T levels were almost non-existant (mine were higher) at 26! I highly suggest getting him checked. He will feel like a new person once he gets on therapy. The mood swings, irritability, and libido all improve!

Keep pushing for it but keep the conversation focused around making him feel better and improving the marriage. My husband was embarrassed and felt like less of a man so I imagine your husband feels the same.


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## Lanah (Dec 16, 2019)

moulinyx said:


> He sounds exactly like my husband. His T levels were almost non-existant (mine were higher) at 26! I highly suggest getting him checked. He will feel like a new person once he gets on therapy. The mood swings, irritability, and libido all improve!
> 
> Keep pushing for it but keep the conversation focused around making him feel better and improving the marriage. My husband was embarrassed and felt like less of a man so I imagine your husband feels the same.


Thank you I'm trying to get him to, hes very stubborn and full of pride. He was kissing me this morning and he had a hard on, told me that's what I do to him course we couldn't do anything cause we were heading out the door to work.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Lanah said:


> We're both in our upper 40s, been married 16 years. I've been trying for a few months to fix some things in our marriage, well mainly with myself. We rarely had sex so after lots of talking few months back he told me he would try harder at least once a week. We've been at least having sex every other week, but I'd love for it to be more. He use to initiate in the past but I would turn him down sometimes. I was turned off alot because he would get so angry and yell at me and throw tantrums and threaten divorce whenever I'd bring something up that would bother me. It's been over a year since he acted like that so I've decided a few months ago I wanted to show him more affection and attention, this took alot for me to do, but I wanted to cause I thought maybe he has really changed now and I was hoping he'd also reciprocate it. Last night I was in the bedroom and sent him a message to come to the bedroom with a naughty pic of myself. He told me I was nuts, then comes in the bedroom and says he'll be back in a few minutes, he was watching a hallmark movie. I waited for 30 minutes and I go to the living room, find him with the laptop on and I ask him what happened, he said another movie came on. I told him I thought he was gonna come to the bedroom for some alone time with me. He gets very defensive, starts fidgeting around, turning off the laptop, cussing under his breath, and saying stuff like "I swear to god". We go to the bedroom hes complaining the whole time. We end up talking and he tells me I need to get it under control "my horniness". So I just start touching myself and then he stops me and he does it. This morning I told him I felt like I MADE him finger me last night and he says "what? No, you needed it. I don't care to do that for you" and hes told me 3 times this morning he loves me. Hes so hot and cold and it confuses me like crazy. I know one thing I'll never initiate again.


Listen.

You're in an abusive relationship. That's what throwing tantrums, threatening divorce when you want to talk about things, etc is. Choosing a ****ty hallmark movie over you and refusing to even get you off occasionally... that's called "avoidant abuse" in many circles.

So that's where you are.

My advice to you? Stop tolerating it. Make him choose a path: meet your needs, let you meet your needs elsewhere, or divorce. If he won't choose, you'll choose divorce. Or whatever works for you.

But he's comfortable here in his abuse, and you're not because you're the target of it. He's got no reason to change and you are in an intolerable spot. So time to force the issue.

Also check this out: https://vocal.media/humans/what-is-emotional-withholding


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Lanah said:


> We've talked alot about this and hes explained to me its age related for him and more than likely low t. *Hes 45*.. he does have a difficulty keeping it up sometimes. When we do have sex or attempt I've been more adventurous with him and he said he loves it but when I want to have sex it's on his terms, when he feels like it.


I'm a guy and that is my age. Having said that, I still have a high drive and I'm pretty sure I'm much more typical than your husband. There are number of things he can look at to see if he can improve his sex drive. Remember that at the end of the day, it's up to him to solve it. You can't really help him do this aside from encourage him to get help. Some things to consider:


Low T is a real possibility. Does he have good lean muscle mass or have you noticed him getting softer. I'm not talking fatter - more along the lines of obvious muscle mass decreases.
You said he has an illness that I'll assume is chronic. Could be that is causing him to lose desire and to have intermittent ED.
Related to the illness potentially is the medication he has to take. BP meds can cause ED overtime depending on which ones he takes. Also, antipsychotics/antidepressants can kill libido
Job stress. Maybe it's finally getting to him. May need a career change to salvage a good quality of life.
Anger issues are likely a result of a primary cause. Wonder what that could be.

I get that everyone is different...but Hallmark movies??? I know of zero guys who like anything on Hallmark channel.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Lanah said:


> Thank you I'm trying to get him to, he's very stubborn and full of pride. He was kissing me this morning and he had a hard-on, told me that's what I do to him course we couldn't do anything cause we were heading out the door to work.


Haha, why is it that men have zero knowledge about their body? A hard-on is not an indicator of libido or T-levels. My husband gets one when he has to pee really bad. Does that mean he is trying to get it on? No, but sometimes it happens since he knows I obviously would want to. 

Tell him you desire him and want him to have that feeling again. My husband said he didn't know what he was missing until it was "back". There is a new oral therapy launching in January, so no injections or gels! Maybe try to push for a physical and bloodwork as a compromise. I got my husband to agree literally by saying "if you do this for me, I will do this for you". Its childish but it worked. Don't give up on this fight! He is sick and feels like crap. Zero energy, weight gain, loss of muscle...I doubt he is feeling "hot". Maybe tell him if he gets his levels checked and they are normal, promise to let it go (just to get it going). I bet he is so over the argument that he will agree to it. 

I know my perspective is different than most, but I lived this same thing. My husband has friends on low-T therapy who made jokes about how the tables have turned and their wives are now mad at THEM for how often they want intimacy.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I'm a guy and that is my age. Having said that, I still have a high drive and I'm pretty sure I'm much more typical than your husband. There are number of things he can look at to see if he can improve his sex drive. Remember that at the end of the day, it's up to him to solve it. You can't really help him do this aside from encourage him to get help. Some things to consider:
> 
> 
> Low T is a real possibility. Does he have good lean muscle mass or have you noticed him getting softer. I'm not talking fatter - more along the lines of obvious muscle mass decreases.
> ...


This! Erections depend on blood flow. High blood pressure leads to vascular non-compliance so the man physically cannot achieve an erection. If he has trouble achieving and maintaining, he really does need to go in for a checkup. Pressure and stress would also make him freak out during "game time", which would make intimacy a dreaded task rather than a fun one. 

Maybe try stroking his ego a bit along with the other suggestions?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I don't think you have said (and you don't need to) what his illness is, but how much of this behavior do you think can be traced to it and to the medication he is on.

On a separate line, people's libidos vary a LOT. There is a popular idea out there that most men are up for sex most of the time, but in reality it seems that there are a substantial number of men who are not very interested in sex.

You are getting a wide range of answers here because its difficult for readers to get a good "feel" for your situation from just words, so people tend to map it on to situations that they are familiar with, and those vary a lot. 





Lanah said:


> No he has never hit me, grabbed me or anything. I think he is angry with what life has dealt him sometimes, his illness has taken away alot of his freedom. He depends on me for taking him places, since he can't drive. He constantly says all he does is come home and go to work. He was on a medication that really made him yell and act out toward me, since hes been off that hes not been doing that now. Hes actually mellowed out than what he use to be, he just has these attitude spells once in awhile now like he did the other night.


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## Lanah (Dec 16, 2019)

uhtred said:


> I don't think you have said (and you don't need to) what his illness is, but how much of this behavior do you think can be traced to it and to the medication he is on.
> 
> On a separate line, people's libidos vary a LOT. There is a popular idea out there that most men are up for sex most of the time, but in reality it seems that there are a substantial number of men who are not very interested in sex.
> 
> You are getting a wide range of answers here because its difficult for readers to get a good "feel" for your situation from just words, so people tend to map it on to situations that they are familiar with, and those vary a lot.


He has epilepsy, and seizures aren't fully controlled and never will be. 12 pills a day, 3 different prescriptions and they each have side effects of irritability and moodiness. Hes at work at 6:30am and doesn't get home til 5-5:30 sometimes later. His job is stressful but he does like his job for the most part. He gets stressed very easily and I'm the one who feels the brunt of it. Its like walking on eggshells sometimes when hes in one of those "moods". Somedays he can be an absolute sweetheart and others hes the biggest jerk. But I do know one thing every time we have had sex, it's the most relax I've ever seen him and he stays that way for at least a few days. Lol I've tried to tell him sex is a stress releaser and that's why we should do it more, win win for both.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'm sorry to hear about his medical issues. Yes, sex often is a great long term relaxer for people. Its really too bad he doesn't want it more often. 

Maybe counseling is a good idea. If he is harboring some resentment (fair or not) it might help reset to a situation where you both want things to be good. Sorry, no other good ideas.



Lanah said:


> He has epilepsy, and seizures aren't fully controlled and never will be. 12 pills a day, 3 different prescriptions and they each have side effects of irritability and moodiness. Hes at work at 6:30am and doesn't get home til 5-5:30 sometimes later. His job is stressful but he does like his job for the most part. He gets stressed very easily and I'm the one who feels the brunt of it. Its like walking on eggshells sometimes when hes in one of those "moods". Somedays he can be an absolute sweetheart and others hes the biggest jerk. But I do know one thing every time we have had sex, it's the most relax I've ever seen him and he stays that way for at least a few days. Lol I've tried to tell him sex is a stress releaser and that's why we should do it more, win win for both.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

In our house we have a rule which says that there will never be a mix or confusion between what issues our minds may disagree on and what issues our bodies need in order to function. If we disagree on something we sort that out asap. When we go to bed we have an agreement of sex on demand by whichever of us is more randy. It has worked for us for 14 years and I hope it will do another 21 or more. I do not believe in refusing to attend to my spouse for any reason. If I did, then I am also saying he should if he wants to. I would suffer more than him if that happened. I need it more.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I’d recommend your hubby read “Searching for and Maintaining Peace” by Jacques Phillippe. It’s on Amazon and very helpful for stressed out men or those struggling with anxiety.... some things can’t be fixed by pills and t-levels.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

...

My questions were answered, above.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Lanah said:


> He has epilepsy, and seizures aren't fully controlled and never will be. 12 pills a day, 3 different prescriptions and they each have side effects of irritability and moodiness. Hes at work at 6:30am and doesn't get home til 5-5:30 sometimes later. His job is stressful but he does like his job for the most part. He gets stressed very easily and I'm the one who feels the brunt of it. Its like walking on eggshells sometimes when hes in one of those "moods". Somedays he can be an absolute sweetheart and others hes the biggest jerk. But I do know one thing every time we have had sex, it's the most relax I've ever seen him and he stays that way for at least a few days. Lol I've tried to tell him sex is a stress releaser and that's why we should do it more, win win for both.


Bless you!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

moulinyx said:


> Haha, why is it that men have zero knowledge about their body? A hard-on is not an indicator of libido or T-levels. My husband gets one when he has to pee really bad. Does that mean he is trying to get it on? No, but sometimes it happens since he knows I obviously would want to.
> 
> Tell him you desire him and want him to have that feeling again. My husband said he didn't know what he was missing until it was "back". There is a new oral therapy launching in January, so no injections or gels! Maybe try to push for a physical and bloodwork as a compromise. I got my husband to agree literally by saying "if you do this for me, I will do this for you". Its childish but it worked. Don't give up on this fight! He is sick and feels like crap. Zero energy, weight gain, loss of muscle...I doubt he is feeling "hot". Maybe tell him if he gets his levels checked and they are normal, promise to let it go (just to get it going). I bet he is so over the argument that he will agree to it.
> 
> I know my perspective is different than most, but I lived this same thing. My husband has friends on low-T therapy who made jokes about how the tables have turned and their wives are now mad at THEM for how often they want intimacy.


Injectable Testosterone is now considered a Schedule III *controlled substance drug*, and is now heavily regulated. For new patients, you may now have to jump through hoops to get it prescribed. It might be easier to get a prescription for it from a female Primary Care MD, a Urologist, or an Internal Medicine doctor who is in private practice, and not affiliated with a large hospital outfit. It is under severe scrutiny for various reasons, including prostate cancer risk (yet unproven to be the primary cause). Anti-aging and athletic performance increases are also the *wrong reasons for taking it.

*wrong in the governments mind!

Those patients 'on it' for a long time are now required to get regular tests to make sure your blood levels remain in spec., viz., not too high. Injections cause the T levels to roller coaster if they are spaced too close. Each persons blood level {T half life} is different, due to many factors including age and liver function, etc.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> @Lanah
> 
> What you are dealing with is sadly not all that unusual. Men are apparently as likely as women to make their marriage sexless. Here is a link to a thread on the topic. It's a long thread, but read at least the first couple of pages as they list resources that you might find helpful.
> 
> https://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html


Just a little over 618% of men. Each must have been a different survey. The numbers can't be right or there is an explanation missing.

Sorry, stuff like that bugs me. It doesn't make sense to me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

2ntnuf said:


> Just a little over 618% of men. Each must have been a different survey. The numbers can't be right or there is an explanation missing.
> 
> Sorry, stuff like that bugs me. It doesn't make sense to me.


There is nothing in the thread that says "618%: of men.

The statistics relate to the percentage of men who replied to the survey and who stated in the survey that they had stopped having sex with their wife. The survey and statistics is discussed in the book that is referenced in the thread.

68%……She isn’t sexually adventurous enough for me. 
(This lack of newness, energy, and emotion translates for many men into a lack of adventure and sexual enjoyment on the part of their partners, transferring the problem and ignoring the fact that they [the men] are not bringing any originality to bed, either.)

61%……She doesn’t seem to enjoy sex


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> There is nothing in the thread that says "618%: of men.
> 
> The statistics relate to the percentage of men who replied to the survey and who stated in the survey that they had stopped having sex with their wife. The survey and statistics is discussed in the book that is referenced in the thread.
> 
> ...


So, they took a total for each question. I guess that means... well honestly, I don't know what it means.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Am on low T therapy for 10 years now... Takes a while to dose and frequency just right..
one important marker often overlooked is SHBG, which regulates how free T binds to the androgen receptor.... Free T floating around in your blood is useless, however you do need To have some free T supply roaming around ready to bind to any opening receptors.
SHBG regulates such binding and people like me w low SHBG benefit more with smaller doses more frequently.... Otherwise my free T goes up and in men it just arometizes into estrogen (E2)... No good...
Anyone getting into T therapy should definitely do the reading into how this works and having a good doc that looks at your entire hormone panel, not just your rushing PCP glancing at Total T and sending u out the door w a refill


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