# Is it time to admit it is over? Need advice.



## AZkid (Apr 24, 2014)

I am new here so here is some back ground. I had an A three years ago. D day just past again and she still says that she is too angry to talk about it. She has never gone to IC but I have spent the 2 years learning about my feelings in IC. She won't go to MC with me. In the last 3 years my wife has grown increasingly distant. She is a stay at home mom and does nothing but surf the internet all the time. She will comment on people's threads all day but will not talk to me, go out with me, take a walk, go shopping with me or play with our children. 
I have asked her to talk to me and she says that I just need to talk to my therapist. I work a job that requires a lot of hours and a lot of nights. When I come home she does not even look up from her tablet. Often I end up feeding the kids, which is fine, but I can't help feel that the kids would not get fed if I I didn't come home.
I have spent the last 3 years trying to prove to her that I love her and we can work it out. Rather than trying with me she drinks alcohol
The other day she was drunk and slipped up by saying " When you remarry someone you need to be careful when you introduce that person to the kids. " When I asked her if she was going to divorce me she said " I don't know, maybe". We have no sex life and she refuses to just be intimate in any way. I am at loss for things to do to help my marriage. I am at her beck and call, I go out of my way to make sure she gets what ever she wants. I feel like am an errand boy who brings home a pay check. Need some advice.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

What was your relationship like before your affair?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Some people can't come back from affairs. Thound's question is good though, what was your marriage like before, why did you have an affair, and how did she find out?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AZkid (Apr 24, 2014)

My wife suffered from postpartum depression after our 2nd kid and since then it has not been the same. Every 6 months or so she would blow up and tell me that she hated her life and that marrying me was her biggest mistake. I think that she blames me for her not achieving her personal goals, which she does not talk to me about. Come to think of it, She has never come to me after she blows up and apologized or said she did not mean what she said.


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## AZkid (Apr 24, 2014)

I feel that I made the biggest mistake of my life because I was looking for intimacy . My wife was not paying any attention to me so I allowed myself to get Involved with a very manipulative woman instead of addressing the issues of our marriage.
She found out when other woman's husband caught her and he called my wife. Not Good....


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

AZkid said:


> I feel that I made the biggest mistake of my life because I was looking for intimacy . My wife was not paying any attention to me so I allowed myself to get Involved with a very manipulative woman instead of addressing the issues of our marriage.
> She found out when other woman's husband caught her and he called my wife. Not Good....


Nope. Not good at all. But the thing is, it takes two to make a marriage. Both have to want to continue the marriage. From what you describe, there is more than just the trust issue at play here. There is a lot of hostility, even before the A. If she really wants this marriage to work, it seems to me that counseling would be on the agenda. 

Is she willing to go to counseling? Does she want to continue the marriage? Or, in the alternative, would she rather just end it and take steps to become financially independent and sever ties in this relationship? Does she have a plan one way or other?


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## AZkid (Apr 24, 2014)

I think she may have a plan but she does not talk to me about it. If she is planning to end the marriage she has to deal with the fact that I am the sole income and she has not worked in 11 years and has limited work skills. I think that she feels trapped and can't find a way out.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

There are multiple problems here, but the bottom line is, you don't have a marriage. Look at it broken down in the simplest terms. What would you call this relationship?

1. No sex life

2. You don't talk or do things together

3. Your partner is unwilling to go to MC

You can't save a marriage unless both partners want to, and it looks like she doesn't want to. When people reconcile, it's because they want the marriage to work, but after three years it looks like she isn't even trying to reconcile. 

But I think it's even a *BIGGER* problem that she doesn't feed the kids or play with them. WTF is the reason for that?? The children didn't have an affair. Your wife doesn't have a job, so what does she do all day? What is her contribution to the family?

Your wife can't keep using the excuse of post-partum depression three years after the fact, especially when she refuses to go to therapy for it. 

What benefit do you and your children have from you both continuing this marriage?

If I were in your place, I would insist my wife go to MC or IC and if she refused, or she went but there was no progress after six months, then I would legally separate. After that, if she still didn't lift a finger for the marriage, then I would file for divorce.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

AZkid said:


> I am new here so here is some back ground. I had an A three years ago. D day just past again and she still says that she is too angry to talk about it. She has never gone to IC but I have spent the 2 years learning about my feelings in IC. She won't go to MC with me. In the last 3 years my wife has grown increasingly distant. She is a stay at home mom and does nothing but surf the internet all the time. *She will comment on people's threads all day *but will not talk to me, go out with me, take a walk, go shopping with me or play with our children.
> I have asked her to talk to me and she says that I just need to talk to my therapist. I work a job that requires a lot of hours and a lot of nights. When I come home she does not even look up from her tablet. Often I end up feeding the kids, which is fine, but I can't help feel that the kids would not get fed if I I didn't come home.
> I have spent the last 3 years trying to prove to her that I love her and we can work it out. Rather than trying with me she drinks alcohol
> The other day she was drunk and slipped up by saying " When you remarry someone you need to be careful when you introduce that person to the kids. " When I asked her if she was going to divorce me she said " I don't know, maybe". We have no sex life and she refuses to just be intimate in any way. I am at loss for things to do to help my marriage. I am at her beck and call, I go out of my way to make sure she gets what ever she wants. I feel like am an errand boy who brings home a pay check. Need some advice.


Is she a TAM member?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Look like you killed the marriage with your affair. Some marriages just don't bounce back afterward.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

AZkid said:


> I feel that I made the biggest mistake of my life because I was looking for intimacy . My wife was not paying any attention to me so I allowed myself to get Involved with a very manipulative woman instead of addressing the issues of our marriage.
> She found out when other woman's husband caught her and he called my wife. Not Good....


Not good to right, some W out there pray on weak married men....its a slippery slope......


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

Fortunately for her, unfortunate for you, I know exactly how she feels. Maybe you feel you’ve done enough to prove you are worthy and can be trusted, but to her you haven’t done as much as you think. There is an emotional defense mechanism that takes over to protecting a person in these deep scaring events, and she is still processing it, thinking about the best way to deal with it, and leaving is a strong option always. The current marriage is now over, she knows it….She is trying to process if she can, or wants to work with you ever again, but probably never really trust ….. it’s a slippery slope and you lost it in a brief moment of time……. likely to never come back……. in my case W saying sorry wasnt enough for me to stay. she lost everything and she knew it.......


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## Piggy (Apr 24, 2014)

Maybe give her some time to be alone. Some ppl recover fast some is slow
She could be crying inside her heart and giving up on the trust that you have broke.
Trust is earn back little by little, not out of sudden.

It


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

It does take 2 people working to repair a marriage. In some ways her part is a lot harder than yours. If she is not willing or not able to do hard work then there is no hope for your marriage.

Her refusal to try MC will doom the marriage to failure. I think you have to make this a line in the sand. As someone above said, some marriages are not recoverable after an affair. If you can't have a great marriage, you both would benefit from D sooner rather than later.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

what are the details - ages, # kids, years married etc......


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## AZkid (Apr 24, 2014)

My kids are 11 and 6. We have been married almost 12 years and together 14.


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## AZkid (Apr 24, 2014)

Kids are 11 and 6. We have been married 12 years.


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## AZkid (Apr 24, 2014)

Theseus said:


> There are multiple problems here, but the bottom line is, you don't have a marriage. Look at it broken down in the simplest terms. What would you call this relationship?
> 
> 1. No sex life
> 
> ...


In response to what my wife contributes to the family. First, we live with her 73 old mother and 85 year old stepfather. We moved in with them 2 years ago to help them out. Since then my W does minimum around the house. Granted she has some health issues that have set her back in the last year, but she could be a lot more engaged in the family. grandma get the kids up and on the bus, does the laundry and all the house work. My W does some of the cooking and sits on her tablet all day and night. She has never taken the kids to the park, shopping, the movies, etc. She has gone on the family vacation the last two years, but that is it. When I am at home I am expected to do anything she asks and she knows I will for fear of making her mad. The fact that I enable her to do what she wants probably is delaying the inevitable.


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## LonelyGirl123 (Apr 14, 2014)

I'm sorry, but I side with your wife.

My POS STBXH had an affair as well. He tore me apart to my core. I trusted him, and he betrayed me.

The same as you did to your wife.

My advice to her would be to divorce you. But she is smarter than me. She is living off your dime, just as if she WAS divorced from you. Good for her. The longer she can keep it up, the more she'll have my respect and admiration.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

LonelyGirl123 said:


> I'm sorry, but I side with your wife.
> 
> My POS STBXH had an affair as well. He tore me apart to my core. I trusted him, and he betrayed me.
> 
> ...


Nice, constructive advice.
It captures the whole spirit of TAM in such succint way...
:scratchhead:


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Thxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx! That raspberry was for the "constructive" advice given by lonely girl.  The guy's obviously remorseful, but his wife is making him miserable every single day for something that he feels terrible about. This marriage is over, plain and simple. It's done, put it out of its misery. Cut the wife loose and she can sit around and complain and mope to her heart's content. Sounds like hubby should aim at getting enough evidence of her lack of care for the children so he can go for full custody. Doesn't sound like she's interested in them, either. She's apparently out to make them also pay for her husband's A. Not much of a mother IMO.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It is possible your wife still suffers from depression.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

thummper said:


> Thxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx! That raspberry was for the "constructive" advice given by lonely girl.  The guy's obviously remorseful, but his wife is making him miserable every single day for something that he feels terrible about. This marriage is over, plain and simple. It's done, put it out of its misery. Cut the wife loose and she can sit around and complain and mope to her heart's content. Sounds like hubby should aim at getting enough evidence of her lack of care for the children so he can go for full custody. Doesn't sound like she's interested in them, either. She's apparently out to make them also pay for her husband's A. Not much of a mother IMO.


Really? With all that blameshifting going on?

Blameshifting? Oh, yeah...



> I allowed myself to get Involved with a very manipulative woman instead of addressing the issues of our marriage.
> She found out when other woman's husband caught her and he called my wife. Not Good....


So, it's really the OW fault, plus if OW BS hadn't told his wife, she wouldn't have found out about the cheating, so it's like his fault, too!


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## LonelyGirl123 (Apr 14, 2014)

Acabado said:


> Nice, constructive advice.
> It captures the whole spirit of TAM in such succint way...
> :scratchhead:


It captures MY spirit. I can't speak for all of TAM. And I wouldn't want to.

I gave advice from MY perspective. And I stand by it.

I've been cheated on. Have you?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

LonelyGirl123 said:


> It captures MY spirit. I can't speak for all of TAM. And I wouldn't want to.
> 
> I gave advice from MY perspective. And I stand by it.
> 
> *I've been cheated on. Have you?*


99% of the people on this board have been cheated on, but we can still look at the situation from both sides of the fence.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

LonelyGirl123 said:


> I've been cheated on. Have you?


Yep.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

If this was a woman the men of TAM would be on here tearing her to shreds.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> If this was a woman the men of TAM would be on here tearing her to shreds.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


While I agree with you to an extent, don't paint us all with that broad stroke. Quite a lot of us have compassion for truly remorseful WWs. 

I just wish I knew what one looked like in real life.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> If this was a woman the men of TAM would be on here tearing her to shreds.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If TAM was paid for every "if this was a <insert gender>" they would never pay fees again. There is gender bias all over this website, no need to point it out when someone needs help.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

You had issues before your affair that you two weren’t addressing. You had an affair and a person with depression issues was driven further into depression. Neither of you have ever truly addressed the issue of the affair. You have many problems and while each is tied together they are separate which makes reconciliation that much more difficult.

The affair is 100% on you, she could have been the worst wife on the planet and you cant make a good argument for the affair. You could have anytime left the marriage before that. Start owning the decision. She has no interest in trying to forgive you or even attempt to. You wait on her hand and foot so to speak trying to win her approval, that is not the same as earning her forgiveness. After 3 years you have now proven one thing. What you have tried hasn’t worked and since you cant even begin to get over this hurdle you cant work on anything else.

If I were you I would seriously consider filing for divorce, you have to do something to shake up the status quo and you cant live a life like this. You are an errand boy and paycheck and until the dynamic changes that is all you will ever be in her eyes. 

Depending on what state you live in your also starting to get into the classification of “long term marriage” and that means the longer it goes the more its going to cost you monetarily and I hate to put marriage into money terms but she is right now in her head. You will want to use the excuse you are staying for the kids but all you are teaching them is how two miserable people live together. Without you doing all the chores your wife will have to start to take some responsibility for herself. She doesn’t get a free pass with her issues unless you allow her to. Which is what you have done.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

3putt said:


> 99% of the people on this board have been cheated on, but we can still look at the situation from both sides of the fence.


Yes!:iagree::iagree:


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

LonelyGirl123 said:


> I'm sorry, but I side with your wife.
> 
> My POS STBXH had an affair as well. He tore me apart to my core. I trusted him, and he betrayed me.
> 
> ...


What? Yes, this guy was a selfish idiot when he cheated, rather than take the effort to work on his marriage to resolve whatever issues that may have promoted his cheating. But, his wife needs serious help. She is neglecting her young children, for crying out loud! And you think she is smarter? 

AZ, I hate to say it, but it sounds like you need to end the marriage asap, for your children's sake. Your wife has checked out and is medicating her depression with Google, Youtube and Facebook. She clearly has no desire to reconcile with you. But, I do not think I am telling you anything that you do not already know.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

*Re: Re: Is it time to admit it is over? Need advice.*



Theseus said:


> If I were in your place, I would insist my wife go to MC or IC and if she refused, or she went but there was no progress after six months, then I would legally separate. After that, if she still didn't lift a finger for the marriage, then I would file for divorce.


This.

I honestly don't think that the counseling will help though. She sounds like she has issues beyond the A that she isn't willing to face. Unfortunately, until she does your M is on its deathbed.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

You messed up big time.

The issue now is your wife. Based upon what you are saying she seems clinically depressed. The reaction to the affair is not typical. You have to get into her head and pull whatever it is out of her. I doubt that the affair in and of itself has caused this.

What I would recommend is that you start distancing yourself from her. Instead of responding to her demands, ignore them. Spend more time with the kids out of the house. Start working out. Take up some hobbies. Be nice to her but ignore her demands. Take the kids out camping, etc on the weekends. focus on the kids.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

OP,

You killed your M with your stupid A...there was NO excuse for it.

I agree with other posters....sounds like this has pushed her further into depression.

File for D and let her go so she can heal herself away from you, because it doesn't sound like she will be able to do that while still being around you.

An A is simply a dealbreaker for some people, and it sounds like it is for her.

The guilt over what your have done to her and your family will be yours to bear.

Not to mention the fact that you used your own selfish desires to f**k over another man in his M.

I hope you learn from your crappy behavior and decide to be a man with some personal honor and integrity in the future.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Make an appointment for MC arrange for it to be at time the kids are a school. Give her two days notice. If she doesn't go, use the time with counselor to draw up a divorce settlement on paper, including custody.

If you wife does not show, go home with the plan and give it to her. Tell her the MC thought it was not fair to plan either R or D with just one part in the marriage. Let her think about it until the next appointment. If she fails to make the effort again, file for divorce.

Your wife may or may not want to save your marriage. She may be waiting for you to take the lead. By filing for divorce you can stimulate her to act.

What does she surf on. Have looked at the browser history?

When you approach her and make physical contact she refuses, always?

Does she allow you to see her naked at all?

Can you joke with her? Could leave a note, saying you still love her in her underwear drawer?

Can you get your kids together and give mom a surprise?

They must see that she is depressed.

Your wife probably had problems before the affair. She would have divorced you if she were well.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

I never thought Id say this...but..."jeez, NO WONDER you had an affair"...

why do you want to stay married to this person??
Its been THREE YEARS...how long are you supposed to be in limbo and punished for an affair??

if it were me, id be gone...NOT CHEAT again, have some dignity this time...but I would end this nightmare you call a marriage and begin again...if it were me


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Op, I'm 3 years out this May from H affair. We have not been intimate in all that time. We are in mc, and may be on the road to R. But it's been a very, very, very long road coming, and even now it is still a long shot. 

I was like your wife, except my son was grown. I bearly would speak w my h, and when I did, it was toxic. I too was caring for elderly parents. I was 24/7 with my fingers on the keyboard talking to strangers about my new world that I found myself in. Nothing would break my ice. Nothing. I didnt even leave my house, I sat day after day w a friend and delveloped bad, bad habits. I closed myself off from everyone. I hated so much inside. But mainly, I hated my h for how selfish he was. He showed no resilience when the chips were down in life for him, but now expected me to when all was over, for me to be able to understand he was "flawed" & "to hear" him, and his story... But all it did was shut me down farther. It built up resentment, big time, & inside of me, anger, a wall of ice. 2 years I live this way, and anyone who came in contact w me I was far, far from a nice person to be around. ((and I'm a very pleasant person by nature)) 

After months of hitting rock bottom in my own misery of the damage from the fallout from the selfish treatment of my h behavior, I searched out for help, medically. It has been the only thing that saved me from me. 

My h has, and had been trying as you, to do everything he thinks he can to show remores ((3yrs now)) as I do know he is, but he isnt showing it in a way I need to hear. 

I am making progress w help w a coach to find my words, my voice, to explain that "I" need to be heard, before R can even be started, and this is after a very long time, so as you can see from my sitution how damaging your behavior can be to the one you cheat on. It a very, very, very long road to R if ever... 

~ sammy


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Sorry for the pain you two are both in.
Tell he W how unhappy you are, the kids are, and SHE IS. Tell her it will not get better on its own and the only thing you know to do is get professional help. It sounds like she is depressed but this has to be determined by a MD. I can tell you that she may be so depressed that she honestly cannot pick up the phone and make the call herself. Either she goes, or you leave. Allowing this situation to continue to fester for two more years is cruel.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Dyokemm said:


> OP,
> 
> You killed your M with your stupid A...there was NO excuse for it.
> 
> I agree with other posters....sounds like this has pushed her further into depression.


:iagree:

There is no rule which says she must forgive the affair or that she must want to stay in the marriage, even if OP has committed to the marriage after the affair ended.

Likewise, there is no rule which says a formerly cheating spouse has to put up with endless punishment or bad behavior from his betrayed wife.

I think things need to be shaken up. The same old stuff you've tried for the past few years obviously is not working, so it is time to try something new and bold. She may not respond positively. Ultimately you should get to the best resolution which is possible under the circumstances. Ideally you should get there sooner rather than later.

Making an appointment for MC is a solid idea. If she won't participate meaningfully, the kindest thing to do is probably to go forward with as amicable a divorce as possible.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

LonelyGirl123 said:


> I'm sorry, but I side with your wife.
> 
> My POS STBXH had an affair as well. He tore me apart to my core. I trusted him, and he betrayed me.
> 
> ...


Thank you for putting an end to the argument that some female members of TAM think that men are the only jaded ones who give ultimately too harsh of a response. You've just shown that anger and venom are gender-neutral. :smthumbup:

Was the OP right for having an affair. OF COURSE NOT. If his wife had no interest in repairing the marriage, she should've divorced then (like I did with my Ex). I would've totally supported that. I would also support anyone who wants to try and R.

But to sit in limbo and BOTH parties live through constant anger and issues (which sounds like was the case BEFORE the A anyway) is just bad for all parties, including the kids. The OP was INCREDIBLY wrong for resorting to an A. I have zero respect for that decision. But his wife has been just as wrong since because she's put her kids through long term problems.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Thor said:


> There is no rule which says she must forgive the affair or that she must want to stay in the marriage, even if OP has committed to the marriage after the affair ended.


I agree with you EXCEPT for one detail here. When a BS decides on reconciliation instead of divorce, then they have to do it in good faith; that is, they actually have to make some sort of effort to reconcile. If the OP has described things accurately, there has been no such attempt here.


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## LonelyGirl123 (Apr 14, 2014)

3putt said:


> 99% of the people on this board have been cheated on, but we can still look at the situation from both sides of the fence.


I can't. At least not yet. Maybe one day. But not today.

From my perspective, no WS is worth the rope it would take...

Oh well. I respect your opinion. I don't want a flame war. I just stated my opinion, without trying to demean yours.


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## LonelyGirl123 (Apr 14, 2014)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Thank you for putting an end to the argument that some female members of TAM think that men are the only jaded ones who give ultimately too harsh of a response. You've just shown that anger and venom are gender-neutral. :smthumbup:
> 
> Was the OP right for having an affair. OF COURSE NOT. If his wife had no interest in repairing the marriage, she should've divorced then (like I did with my Ex). I would've totally supported that. I would also support anyone who wants to try and R.
> 
> But to sit in limbo and BOTH parties live through constant anger and issues (which sounds like was the case BEFORE the A anyway) is just bad for all parties, including the kids. The OP was INCREDIBLY wrong for resorting to an A. I have zero respect for that decision. But his wife has been just as wrong since because she's put her kids through long term problems.


The OP is a POS cheater, trying to "understand" why his wife wants nothing to do with him in a romantic way. Duh.

He's a CHEATER. He stabbed his LIFE PARTNER in the back. Do you really trust him to be truthful here about how his wife treats their children? I can't. I don't condone any mother neglecting her children. But I'm not convinced she is, just based upon the word of a POS CHEATER.


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## LonelyGirl123 (Apr 14, 2014)

Rushwater said:


> What? Yes, this guy was a selfish idiot when he cheated, rather than take the effort to work on his marriage to resolve whatever issues that may have promoted his cheating. But, his wife needs serious help. She is neglecting her young children, for crying out loud! And you think she is smarter?
> 
> AZ, I hate to say it, but it sounds like you need to end the marriage asap, for your children's sake. Your wife has checked out and is medicating her depression with Google, Youtube and Facebook. She clearly has no desire to reconcile with you. But, I do not think I am telling you anything that you do not already know.


Are you really going to believe the word of a CHEATER when he describes his wife's actions? He CHEATED on his life partner. He can't be trusted to tell the truth here about ANYTHING. 

Of course I don't condone any mother who treats her children badly. But I'm not going to take the word of a POS cheater in that matter.

OP, do your wife a favor and divorce her. And I hope she takes you to the cleaners with a great divorce lawyer. You deserve nothing less (more).


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

LonelyGirl123 said:


> I can't. At least not yet. Maybe one day. But not today.
> 
> From my perspective, no WS is worth the rope it would take...
> 
> Oh well. I respect your opinion. I don't want a flame war. I just stated my opinion, without trying to demean yours.


Don't worry about it. This is obviously very raw for you still, and we've all been there. I understand completely.

So sorry for what you're going through. It doth suck to high heaven, but in time, it will get better.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

tom67 said:


> Yes!:iagree::iagree:


And, of course, there are those of us who have been on both sides of the fence so can see it from both sides, to some extent.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

LonelyGirl123 said:


> The OP is a POS cheater, trying to "understand" why his wife wants nothing to do with him in a romantic way. Duh.


You miss the point. That isn't the part he doesn't understand. The part he doesn't understand is why she would decide to reconcile with him, yet after three years not put any effort into reconciliation, *not even marriage counseling*. If she really can't get past it, she should leave him, not drag it out for three more years. 



> _He's a CHEATER. He stabbed his LIFE PARTNER in the back. Do you really trust him to be truthful here about how his wife treats their children? I can't. I don't condone any mother neglecting her children. But I'm not convinced she is, just based upon the word of a POS CHEATER._


Keep in mind that even some of the great "saints" of our country: Presidents Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Eisenhower, . Kennedy, and even Martin Luther King, all cheated on their wives. I understand your hurt is recent, but just because someone cheated on a spouse doesn't mean they are evil in every other aspect of their life.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Your wife is in a deep well. She's not able to climb out herself yet. One day she will, I hope.

She's not a happy person.

So, what to do?

Maybe she needs a complete change, a new career, a new interest?


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Lonely girl, 

Believe me I feel your pain, and still do, ((3 yrs out,)) but not to the degree of you. But did until very recently. And if anyone tried to tell me anything good about any one person that was a cheater, I would spat the ground. I had so much hate inside of me towards anyone who even looked crossed eye and justified. And I was someone who always said, "oh, I would understand"

The pain doesn't get better, it just changes. It changes, because we change, our partners change, and our relationship towards each other change. I'm sorry your a member of our sorry ass club, and I'm real sorry that the op's wife is too, as well as Mrs.Kennedy, Mrs.Rooservet, Mrs.Eisenhower, Mrs.King, & Mrs. Clinton as well, lucky us, we have some remarkable women to look up at, even thou they knew their h were a**es

~sammy


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Double


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *AZkid*
> 
> *I have spent the last 3 years trying to prove to her that I love her and we can work it out*. Rather than trying with me she drinks alcohol
> 
> The other day she was drunk and slipped up by saying " When you remarry someone you need to be careful when you introduce that person to the kids. " When I asked her if she was going to divorce me she said " I don't know, maybe". We have no sex life and she refuses to just be intimate in any way. I am at loss for things to do to help my marriage.* I am at her beck and call, I go out of my way to make sure she gets what ever she wants*. I feel like am an errand boy who brings home a pay check. Need some advice.




*You spend way too much time on a woman that is going to continue to bring you down.*


Time for you to get better without depending on her for anything. *STOP begging her to make you better and make yourself better*! You are not an errand boy you are a man that needs respect and the first thing you can do is get more respect for yourself.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

The only reason she won't leave is because of the financial problems and probably her grandparents living situation

Can you afford it ? Push her to get some work skills. 

Maybe you can support her for a few years until she can sustain herself financially.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The OP blew his marriage up. *Kaboooom*! All gone. 

His wife can't get over that. *And why should she*?:scratchhead:

Whilst its nice that OP is getting IC -AZKid, is this making you feel better about what you did, your affair?

If so, then it is not proper counselling, it is an exercise in entitlement behaviour and self-justification.

If you counsellor has ever suggested that the responsibility of affairs rests squarely between both spouses, then your counsellor is not a part of the cure, he/she is a part of the problem.

This is flawed politically correct thinking that does not help.

I had a revenge affair after my wife cheated on me. Was my wife 50% responsible for my affair? *No. She wasn't. I accept full responsibility for what I did*.

I should have done something, but having my own affair was not the right thing to do. Just so as you know that my antipathy toward counsellors who spout the "it's always 50/50 line" is based on personal knowledge of how wrong this idea is.


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## LonelyGirl123 (Apr 14, 2014)

sammy3 said:


> Lonely girl,
> 
> Believe me I feel your pain, and still do, ((3 yrs out,)) but not to the degree of you. But did until very recently. And if anyone tried to tell me anything good about any one person that was a cheater, I would spat the ground. I had so much hate inside of me towards anyone who even looked crossed eye and justified. And I was someone who always said, "oh, I would understand"
> 
> ...


Thank you Sammy, and everyone else in this thread (including the OP) who has listened to my mindless dribble.

I'm not far removed from the most horrible and hurtful discovery of my life. I was hurt in the most horrible way by the most loved and trusted person in my life.

OP, have you truly faced the fact that you did the very same to your wife? The most loved and trusted person in your life?

Only then can you even begin to make sense to her.

God help you both.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Theseus said:


> You miss the point. That isn't the part he doesn't understand. The part he doesn't understand is why she would decide to reconcile with him, yet after three years not put any effort into reconciliation, *not even marriage counseling*. If she really can't get past it, she should leave him, not drag it out for three more years.
> 
> 
> 
> Keep in mind that even some of the great "saints" of our country: Presidents Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Eisenhower, . Kennedy, and even Martin Luther King, all cheated on their wives. I understand your hurt is recent, but just because someone cheated on a spouse doesn't mean they are evil in every other aspect of their life.


So she gets to leave the marital home and take her child to live in a ratty little hovel?

How would that be fair on her or the child?:scratchhead:


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

LonelyGirl123 said:


> The OP is a POS cheater, trying to "understand" why his wife wants nothing to do with him in a romantic way. Duh.
> 
> He's a CHEATER. He stabbed his LIFE PARTNER in the back. Do you really trust him to be truthful here about how his wife treats their children? I can't. I don't condone any mother neglecting her children. But I'm not convinced she is, just based upon the word of a POS CHEATER.


Cheating is one of THE worst things one person can do to another. That said, it doesn't mean everything that comes out of a "cheater's" mouth is a lie. It's been 3 years and the OP is looking for help. It serves him ZERO purpose to lie. That doesn't mean it doesn't happen. People lie on these forums all the time, but it still doesn't make any sense to. You gain NOTHING. For that reason, I try to take people at face value. The OP has taken ownership of his cheating and that is one of the most important components for me on whether or not I'm going to listen and also believe a cheater.

He states he cheated without any "but" afterwards. He doesn't justify his cheating. That indicates that he's speaking truthfully about it. 

I'm sorry you were hurt SO INCREDIBLY badly. Sadly, you're not alone in that on this board. I truly feel for you Lonely.


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## HubbyDaddy2013 (Jul 2, 2013)

OP. The Cheating happened. From what you are telling us about your wife, it appears that she is too far gone. She is just living on your dime, and expecting you to continue to be married for the sake of the kids. She has no respect for you. It sounds like she doesn't respect herself. She has become a crappy mom who doesn't care. She is also depressed, and have been for years. She is not trying to fix her situation in the least bit...It's been THREE YEARS now. 

You screwed up the marriage, that is TRUE! However, the time for her to make amends, and work on your marriage is gone! She should have filed for a divorce by now, but she hasn't. She is just sulking in her misery and getting you to take care of EVERYTHING. She HAS CHOSEN THE EASIEST, LAZY WAY to handle this. 

I feel after this much time, there is nothing you are going to do to change her. 

Save some money up. Make plans to rent a 2-3 bedroom condo or apartment somewhere so that you have room for the kids to live with you, and prepare to file for divorce. ...At this point that is what I would do. 

...When you get into another relationship with a woman...DO NOT CHEAT ON THEM NO MATTER WHAT!


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I think your wife needs help with depression and like yesterday! It sounds to me like she is stuck in the dark and cant find her way out.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

ladybird said:


> I think your wife needs help with depression and like yesterday! It sounds to me like she is stuck in the dark and cant find her way out.


:iagree:

Couldn't agree more.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> So she gets to leave the marital home and take her child to live in a ratty little hovel?
> 
> How would that be fair on her or the child?:scratchhead:


So her only choices in life are to 1) stay with a cheating husband, or 2) move into a "ratty little hovel"?

That's classic example of a logical fallacy known as reductio ad absurdum.

I guess I was thinking of something really crazy instead, like an equal division of assets.


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