# I'm a Horrible Person



## Drowning1 (Jul 4, 2012)

Removed to protect anonymity.


----------



## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

Hi
It sounds like you are constantly dealing with problems. I wish you well through this and hope you find some peace.


----------



## Drowning1 (Jul 4, 2012)

Thank you. I am so afraid I'll make the wrong decision. My husband is a GOOD man. I don't want to hurt him. But I don't want to live forever without love.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Sounds to me like you see yourself as the almost perfect woman who stands by your commitments and has overcome all her problems, except the current one of having a H that just doesn't measure up to your greatness.

I'm sorry if it sounds mean, but the reason I tell you this is because it is so clear to me that you are in the fog of your emotional affair with this other married man that you are entertaining the thoughts of.

You probably are a very great person, great mother... I don't mean to diminish your accomplishments in the least, just to point out that your marriage is in the state it is in equal parts by you and your spouse - you have a hard time enforcing boundaries and when you are mistreated play the victim and open yourself up to escaping your issues rather than enforcing marital boundaries.

You really need to put a stop to the thoughts of the OM, who in real life is no saint either, especially if he is willing to cheat on his wife and family. Seek counselling to help you with your boundaries, put your thoughts back into your mariage and ask your husband to go with you to marital counselling so that you can start meeting each others needs again. If your H really is unworthy and expresses no desire to change to remain married to you, then seek divorce and give yourself enough time to heal before looking for a new relationship.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Drowning1 said:


> we wont be biased...and that we will ONLY be friends for this year and if our marriages ended it would be because they should and not because of each other.
> 
> The other man told me that he promises to love me and respect me the way that a man should and that would show my child how to act..instead of repeating the cycle of his father. I really don't know if I am just trying to make excuses to feel better. PLEASE advise.


Jmo,but you are both already biased obviously and that will definitely have some effects on your marriages.You've both already gone outside your marriages emotionally.Do your respective spouses know what's going on? I don't understand why you would go to MC with another man in the background.

He probably said the whole love and respect thing to his wife at one time too,but I don't think she'll be believing in that too much longer.He really doesn't have the moral high ground to say he'll be a better role model to your son than his own father.Never having lived with this guy on a day to day basis,how do you even have a clue what he is like.The fact that his parents support him pursuing you,while he is still married,says a heck of a lot about their values as well.

As I said,this is only my opinion but I think if you don't want to commit to working on your marriage 100%,then divorce and spend a good little while finding out who you really are and working on what you need to,before heading down the aisle for marriage number three.I do wish you well.Take care.


----------



## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Drowning1, you seem to have a very hard time recognizing what is good/what is bad and what is right/what is wrong. You seem to just go along flighty and capricious through life led by your whims.

1. You were married to a good man and treated him badly and didn't love him.

2. You married an abusive man and tolerated his abuse for years because you love him.

3. You think you are in love with a man who possesses zero moral fiber and had nowhere to learn any from because his parents also have zero moral fiber.

Are you able to recognize anything yet? Do you see a pattern yet? You need to set some standards in your life, and you need to get individual counseling.


----------



## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

Drowning1 said:


> Thank you. I am so afraid I'll make the wrong decision. My husband is a GOOD man. I don't want to hurt him. But I don't want to live forever without love.


What about your child? Do you think he is happy and content with his parents together. I wonder if the emphasis on love should be on your child now? Just a question.

I agree with River1977's summary which is perhaps blunt but true. I don't think you will necessary get more because a man expresses that he wants to be with you. I also agree with TBT.


----------



## Nod (Jul 2, 2012)

This isn't a TV show that glorifies adultery, this is real life. You have now cheated on both marriages. What is the point of posting? To get the justification from strangers to continue your affair with the OM, who is also married? Then to make a statement about basically replacing your son's father with one "who knows how to act"? Oh really, one who is able to cheat on his wife, be the catalyst to end another marriage, & already making decisions on what your son should be exposed to...& then to have his parents condone such actions... You found yourself a keeper! Well go ahead, you both deserve each other... 

My real advice, you took a vow for life. You recognize your husband has a mental illness stemming from his horrible childhood. A simple SSRI to deal with mood swings may make him into the best man ever, but you wouldn't know since you've never tried...Let the OM go, & work on your current one until you've exhausted all avenues of his destructive behavior. Your goal should be to fix your current marriage not planning your third...


----------



## almostmadeit (Jul 5, 2012)

First off I have to say while I can sympathize with your situation with your husband I also have to say your not helping yourself deal with your marriage by having your "friend" on the side. He will be in the back of your mind while you "work" on your current situation.

He is married, do you not realize that he made all the same promises to you that he made to his WIFE?? Doesn't look like he is keeping the promises he made to her, what happens when he meets someone while the two of you are together? She and your husband deserve better than to have the two of you sneaking off to be "friends". And shame on his parents for encouraging you two. 

I agree with NOD that you need to cut that relationship off completely and focus on your marriage. But just by reading your post I can see that (in my opinion) you have already made up your mind to be with him at the end of the year, I dont see why your dragging it out that long. You obviously are with your H because you are scared to leave, and want another baby. It wouldn't be any more fair to that baby as it would the one you already have. Again this is just my opinion. 

I wish you the best, but I do hope that you be fair to your H and the OM be fair to his W and you both fess up to your feelings of "love" outside the marriage. If your in love with this man you can't possibly save your marriage. It just doesnt work that way sweetie. 
I dont mean to sound like I'm dogging on you, it's just the way it looks from the outside. Good luck I hope that it all works out.


----------



## Drowning1 (Jul 4, 2012)

Thank you all for responding. I would first like to clear up that his parents did NOT condone anything except to say his mom confirmed his relationship problems in casual conversation and meant to imply that her son really liked me in general (I may have read more into it than I should have).

This is the reason I posted. I needed some blunt truth. People who love me..love me...and treat me gently when I come to them with advice about this matter. This is not something I am taking lightly. Honestly, the things that you have all said hit home pretty hard. I really DO need to seek counceling...because there is obviously issues that soley rest on my shoulders and are affecting my relationships.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

the fulfillment you seek only comes from within you, not who you are with - though the ones we choose to be with do affect how we go about achieving that great fulfillment. Sometimes we may realize we are with someone that prevents us from getting there - we all have relationship needs, problem with opening yourself up to affairs is it skews your perception of what you really have with your spouse. And those relationship needs are not the same as feelings, the attraction or lust, or sense of connectedness we feel around new people has nothing do to with what makes a marriage continue to work, though it remains essential to restore some of those feelings in order to want to meet each others needs in the relationship.

So what you are getting with this attraction to the married OM is the premature feeling that you and him will want to meet each others needs, but in reality you don't even really know what those needs are, nor should you be attempting to find out because you are each already took a vow to your current spouses. What you are sensing is often referred to as hypergamy - basically when you sense an opportunity to get an upgrade you take it instead of believing your H is capable of progressing at the same level along with you.

And as to forgetting about the OM, the sooner you put him out of your mind the sooner you will have forgotten him - once again, all the power lies with you to do that. If thoughts of what could have been with him haunt you its only because you've kept those thoughts alive.


----------



## Drowning1 (Jul 4, 2012)

....


----------



## Drowning1 (Jul 4, 2012)

....


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I can see your abandonment issues clearly in your story... because when you do all these wonderful things you are expecting an outcome from him. Believe me, I understand i have similar issues, for me its more fear of rejection.

You are not good or bad, just a person... You can look deep inside yourself to find what you want but you may, or may not, find it... because you have to make it and put it there first.

I would suggest trying to alter your reasoning when you chose to do something... when you do all these wonderful things, for him, do it instead for you, your goalposts are on his field so put them back on your field.

Meanwhile tell him on those exact words you just wrote in the comment above what you need out of your relationship: _"I just want to be SEEN and grabbed randomly and hugged because I am loved...or looked at deeply and told I am beautiful. I would like a note thanking me now and then."_ put those goalposts of yours on his field.


----------



## Drowning1 (Jul 4, 2012)

...


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Drowning1 said:


> He says he just wasn't built that way.


so he is unwilling to meet your relationship needs... or at the very least speak your love languages. What are his languages and does he atleast try to show you love the way he knows?

If you told him that you were having those specific needs met by another man do you think he'd change his tune?


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Drowning,since Lon and you both touched on abandonment issues I thought I would add my perspective.I spent a lot of my childhood and formative years going from one group home to another.I wanted to love and be loved and I met people who truly loved me,but because of trust issues I was always on shaky ground and needing constant affirmations.When I didn't get them I would start to push these people away because I was subconsciously guarding my heart.I seemed to always be in a state of preparing for being abandoned.That's how little I thought of myself,and it became almost second nature to look for that special love that was going to stick around and save me,while the inner me kept saying it will never happen because I just wasn't worth it.Hope this isn't too convoluted to follow,and I don't know really know if it might add some insight,but thanks for letting me share.


----------



## Drowning1 (Jul 4, 2012)

....

TBT- Thank you for sharing. This is exactly how I feel..I want love SO BADLY...and feel as if I never get it. When I do..Im waiting for it to end or shy away because I feel as if I don't deserve it. I know most of my issues in life begin with me.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Drowning1 said:


> Lon- Im sorry..I don't knwo what you mean about languages.


I think Lon means The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Chapman.We all respond in different ways.Some get affirmation through touch where others may get it through words or it could be a combination of any or all of them.Google it I'm sure you'll find it helpful.I think there is a simple questionaire that's also available to see where your languages may lay.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Yes I was thinking of the 5 love languages, not so much the book just the concept of how we show and receive love...

The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love Languages®

From what I can see in your posts Drowning, it seems words of affection is possibly your strongest love language (for receiving) and possibly physical touch being #2. Your H shows appreciation when you cook, so I can see from what you have said that he receives love through acts of service.

Many people give and receive using different languages, and so many issues would really be able to worked out if we simply understood this about ourselves and our partner... but of course all this is moot in your case if you are just holding out for the other guy to supposedly sweep you off your feet and rescue you from the marriage your helped break.


----------



## rfAlaska (Jul 28, 2011)

Sorry you're going through this. It's a bad place to be. You are getting really good insight but here is a bit more.

The Five Languages are dead on and awesome. People do give and receive love differently and understanding that helps. My opinion is that MANY married couples give and receive love differently. The hard part is making the effort to show love in a way that you are not wired to show love. For example, in reading your posts, it's clear that one of your strong love languages is Words of Affirmation (compliments). It's equally clear that your husband does not give or receive love that way. You would LOVE for him to compliment you (it would make you feel loved) but to him compliments are meaningless. He doesn't receive love that way so it would be unnatural for him to show love that way. You can tell him how great he is all you want but in the end it means nothing to him. So, you need to figure out what is meaningful and care enough about your husband to will yourself to show him love in the manner that he best receives it even if it is completely unnatural and meaningless to you. In the same way, your husband needs to care about you enough to show you love in a way that is likely unnatural to him. To me, therein lies the rub .... You have to care enough about the other person to make the effort to do something in order to show love in a way that is likely meaningless to you.

The second thing is the other man. I get exactly what you mean when you say its not so much about him in particular but that you have been poisoned by the notion that there is someone like him out there. The voice of experience (me) will tell you that as long as that poison is running through your veins and into your heart, your marriage doesn't stand a chance. Putting him completely out of your mind will be a long and challenging process - it's taken me the better part of a year and I still hurt, experience sadness and am depressed. The whole experience has been miserable. I keep reminding myself that by allowing myself to go "there" I put myself in this position and it SUCKS. Find a way to push him completely away or come to accept the fact that your marriage is done.

Two reasons for this, one I already mentioned - your marriage doesn't stand a chance as long as the idea of him is alive. Delay the inevitable as long as you wish but seriously, all you're doing is marking time. The second is that if you walk away under the influence of that "poison" (your word), you will regret it at some point later in your life. You'll know in your heart that you didn't really try in your marriage and you will eventually come to the correct conclusion that you walked away from your marriage because you had an affair. My sense is that your moral compass is such that this would bother you. I left my first marriage under these circumstances and 20 years later my moral compass still pokes me hard.

I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm exactly where you are in marriage number two and there is nothing anyone can do or say to ease your pain. The pain from emanating from your husband is enough to be a killer. Factor in the pain from booting the idea of the other man out of your heart and it becomes bone-crushing. Like you, I am a hopeless romantic and would love to feel like I am the world to someone else and would desire to be so in love that I can't imagine the world without my spouse but I am wondering if I am naive.

I admire your honesty with your husband. I so wish he cared enough about you to listen and follow through. I think a few morsels from him are all you're really looking for.


----------



## Drowning1 (Jul 4, 2012)

rfAlaska said:


> Sorry you're going through this. It's a bad place to be. You are getting really good insight but here is a bit more.
> 
> The Five Languages are dead on and awesome. People do give and receive love differently and understanding that helps. My opinion is that MANY married couples give and receive love differently. The hard part is making the effort to show love in a way that you are not wired to show love. For example, in reading your posts, it's clear that one of your strong love languages is Words of Affirmation (compliments). It's equally clear that your husband does not give or receive love that way. You would LOVE for him to compliment you (it would make you feel loved) but to him compliments are meaningless. He doesn't receive love that way so it would be unnatural for him to show love that way. You can tell him how great he is all you want but in the end it means nothing to him. So, you need to figure out what is meaningful and care enough about your husband to will yourself to show him love in the manner that he best receives it even if it is completely unnatural and meaningless to you. In the same way, your husband needs to care about you enough to show you love in a way that is likely unnatural to him. To me, therein lies the rub .... You have to care enough about the other person to make the effort to do something in order to show love in a way that is likely meaningless to you.
> 
> ...


This is amazing advice and you have really made me feel like less of a POS and more hopeful f the possibilities. My moral compass still pokes me hard about my first husband too. So much so, that I wrote him a message on Facebook a few months back apologizing for our past. His reply was simple and sweet. He said "I forgave us and you a long time ago". But I don't think I will ever be able to forgive myself. I am not some sad housewife looking to stab my husband in the heart...or running around in seach of something better. This situation just happened. And I have been tried VERY hard to do the right thing and not be led by my own insecurities. I will NEVER say that I am perfect. But I know I have tried my HARDEST with my husband..and I honestly cannot say that he has done the same. I am not sure of that means that we cannot save our marriage..or maybe we can. But I am in agreement that having the other man in my life is not going to solve ANYTHING. I told him the other day that if he TRULY loved me...he would still love me a year from now. I told him to concentrate on getting his life where HE wanted it and was happy and I would do the same. If our paths broought us together again...then maybe we would have a chance at THAT time. I don't know what will happen. But I thank you ALL for your advice and support.


----------



## rfAlaska (Jul 28, 2011)

I'm glad you feel like less of a POS because frankly, if you're a POS, so am I and I REALLY don't want to label myself that way.

Life and marriage are hard. In the end, all I really want is to be with someone who makes me feel cared about. I am working on that with my wife but it's not going well. She doesn't seem to get what I'm asking for. Maybe that's because I am asking for too much. In my heart of hearts, I don't think I am and I'm sick of it being this hard.

Double ugh. 

The problem with divorce is that there is SO MUCH collateral damage and my personal struggle is along the lines of.trying to discern whether the damage is worth it. At the moment, it's not.


----------

