# Wife talking to ex on Facebook - need advice please



## RDZ8591

Hello all…

I am rather confused how to handle a situation with my wife and need some input.

My Wife connected with her ex boyfriend on facebook about three years ago. I knew that she befriended him, but that was where I thought the connection ended.

About a year ago,I was logging on to facebook (my wife and I both use the same computer to use facebook) when I noticed facebook was already open to her account. I was about to log off when I saw that it was open to a private conversation between her and her ex. It was a long conversation spanning over a couple of years and some of the time stamps on the conversation were late at night early morning. There was nothing in the conversation to indicate any sort of affair, but there was a descent amount of "remember the time we went here and the time we went there” kind of thing. During the 15 years that I have known my wife, she rarely speaks about this guy. When she does, she refers to him as “my ex”. I did not know his name or anything about him nor did I ever care to ask. So I was very surprised by their conversation, especially since it happened secretly, late at night.

Then one day, we were watching a show where the wife was having an emotional affair with another man. I remember making a comment like “I would be devastated if that were me” or something along those lines. Three days later, I checked her facebook account again (she keeps herself logged in on facebook after using it. Almost like she wants me to see this stuff..) and the conversation between her and her ex was deleted. 

At this point, I still did not say anything to her about what I found. Instead, I decided to monitor her activity a bit more. All public and private facebook activity stopped for some time, so I decided to look into their past activity on facebook. Sure enough, they had been chatting it up for a while. Commenting on each others pics ( “wow, you are still so beautiful” or “Beautiful pic, I love the way the light falls on your face”.) They were complimenting one another, encouraging one another, how proud they were of one another. He at one point even asked her to private message him with her email address so that he could send her a song or something. There was also the sharing of past memories..

Now, about once every one to two months, he publicly tags her with a memory from their past, and they take a stroll down memory lane together.

I have no idea how to talk to her about all of this without appearing as some sort of jealous, insecure husband that spies on his wife. 

This all sort of fell on my lap as I was not suspicious of her before I saw that private chat. Any advice or guidance would be appreciated. Thank you.


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## AlisonBlaire

You say you've monitoring this for a year? Is that right?


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## jorgegene

ex boyfriends (as well ex girlfriends) are the kiss of death to a marriage.

in no way, shape or form should we have ANY relationships with ex'.s other than for kids sake.

i've seen it way too many times.


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## Ol'Pal

You've got 2 choices, You can confront your wife about it and she then knows you're on to her activities. Or you can continue to monitor if you want to see her real colors. 

If you do choose to confront her, make it VERY CLEAR that you plan to do XYZ(divorce) if she has any further contact with him, to any extent for the remainder of life. And plan to do good on your promise if she does contact him. 

If you continue to monitor, get proof of everything, Hard evidence. pictures, screen shots etc etc. 



Either way it's a ****ty deal.


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## TAMAT

RDZ,

I hope you saved off all the chats etc.

Put them into a neat PDF file with dates and email them to the wife or girlfriend of OM.

Has your W had to go on "trips" without you or "with the girls".

Has your W said to you "I am in love with you but not in love with you" ?

Ex'es are poison to a marriage or any kind of relationship.

Tamat


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## Thound

The only few times mu wife ever mentioned her exbf was as a reference to how glad she met me. She thought he was the best she could do. He was very mean to her verbally.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jorgegene

the problem is we almost always still have feelings for our ex's.

time has a way of minimizing their faults and we remember the fun stuff and think back about the 
special moments and romanticize about them. we make a serious mistake when we tell our spouses: 
"it's ok, that was way back then and they're just friends now. she would never go there again"..........NOT!!!


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## MattMatt

Deep and meaningful communication with an ex is bad news, in general.

There's a song that was popular in clubs a while back by E-rotic



> Max Don't Have Sex With Your Ex
> 
> Max, Max, Max
> I'm in love with you and I love my ex
> I love you both and to be true
> I don't know what I'm gonna do
> 
> I gotta warn you
> Max don't have sex with your ex
> It will make your life complex
> My Max, baby take it in you
> 
> Max don't have sex with your ex
> It will knock you off your legs
> Oh Max, play it cool and just relax


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1TeqE5Vshw

My wife had an affair with an ex...


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## EllisRedding

Confront her. In particular, ask her why if there was nothing wrong with talking to her Ex she kept it a secret from you. To me right there that is where things go south. I am sure she will play the "I didn't want to make you jealous" card and try to push it back on you as if it is your problem and not hers. You said she deleted the conversation after you made the EA comment. Odds are she did that because she knew she was having an EA.

How is everything else in your marriage? Reminiscing on old times, having secret conversations after you go to bed, it sounds like she is looking to get something from her ex that she might feel she is not getting from you (right or wrong).


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## ConanHub

Well, I would post on everyone's news page to him; "Get your own wife you pathetic piece of shyt! Back the hell off loser and stay away from the families of other men!"

I would then shut down her Facebook account and hand my wife divorce papers and tell her that she can easily be single by midnight if she contacts that asshat again.

If she wanted me, MC immediately.

I would also expose to our families and friends to prevent the spread of false information and stop the affair cold.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub

It is an ea.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964

Read this book, and tell your wife if she wants to stay married to you to read it as well

Dr. Shirley Glass - About the Book - NOT "Just Friends"


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## EllisRedding

It continues to amaze me how often now you see Facebook being used as a way to facilitate having an affair. That Zuckerberg really knew what he was doing!


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## MarriedDude

Hyper-Personal Sharing, In secret, with a former romantic partner.

She is having an affair. 

She had a chance to come clean when you made the comment about an EA. But she didn't

Want it to stop really quick?

Fill out the divorce papers and set them down in front of her. 
(you don't have to file them)

Watch her reaction....Then you will know what to do


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## EllisRedding

MarriedDude said:


> Watch her reaction....Then you will know what to do


I read this initially as "watch her erection" ...

OK, that is enough internet for me today :slap:


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## ConanHub

EllisRedding said:


> I read this initially as "watch her erection" ...
> 
> OK, that is enough internet for me today :slap:


You and boners.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WonkyNinja

Just ask her about it.

Since you said you'd read through the conversation and there was nothing there you really don't need to overreact. However after saying that it does seem odd that she deleted the whole conversation after your comment. I'd only be concerned if she's evasive about it.

I have a couple of exes among my FB friends and my wife knows about them likewise she has exes on her FB page but there's no secrecy about it either way.

You'll get comments on here that any contact with exes will lead to an affair and there are some posters with an opposite point of view. You know your wife better than anybody so you really need to keep that in mind before being convinced either way by strangers.


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## MarriedDude

WonkyNinja said:


> Just ask her about it.
> 
> Since you said you'd read through the conversation and there was nothing there you really don't need to overreact. However after saying that it does seem odd that she deleted the whole conversation after your comment. I'd only be concerned if she's evasive about it.
> 
> I have a couple of exes among my FB friends and my wife knows about them likewise she has exes on her FB page but there's no secrecy about it either way.
> 
> You'll get comments on here that any contact with exes will lead to an affair and there are some posters with an opposite point of view. You know your wife better than anybody so you really need to keep that in mind before being convinced either way by strangers.


My wife friended an Ex a number of years back....he was a 4th grade boyfriend or something like that...

Stalked her to the point of losing his wife, driving mine nuts, and having some legal drama. 

My wife still won't have a facebook....


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## WonkyNinja

RDZ8591 said:


> My Wife connected with her ex boyfriend on facebook about three years ago. I knew that she befriended him, but that was where I thought the connection ended.
> 
> It was a long conversation spanning over a couple of years and some of the time stamps on the conversation were late at night early morning. *There was nothing in the conversation to indicate any sort of affair*, but there was a descent amount of "remember the time we went here and the time we went there” kind of thing.
> 
> .......
> 
> Now, about once every one to two months, he publicly tags her with a memory from their past, and they take a stroll down memory lane together.





ConanHub said:


> Well, I would post on everyone's news page to him; "Get your own wife you pathetic piece of shyt! Back the hell off loser and stay away from the families of other men!"
> 
> I would then shut down her Facebook account and hand my wife divorce papers and tell her that she can easily be single by midnight if she contacts that asshat again.
> 
> If she wanted me, MC immediately.
> 
> I would also expose to our families and friends to prevent the spread of false information and stop the affair cold.


Did you read his post? He had access to a long term conversation that gave no indication of anything going on so you suggest going nuclear and making a total fool of her based upon absolutely nothing. If the marriage had no problems before then it certainly would have by following your advice.



MarriedDude said:


> Hyper-Personal Sharing, In secret, with a former romantic partner.
> 
> She is having an affair.
> 
> She had a chance to come clean when you made the comment about an EA. But she didn't
> 
> Want it to stop really quick?
> 
> Fill out the divorce papers and set them down in front of her.
> (you don't have to file them)
> 
> Watch her reaction....Then you will know what to do


Read his post. He made no mention of any sort of hyper-personal sharing, that was entirely your concoction. 

So you suggest that he open a small issue conversation by putting down divorce papers. The only thing that will stop quickly is any ideas she has of spending another 15 years happily married.


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## PhillyGuy13

... And since he now has your wife's email address, I wonder what else he has shared besides songs...

Do you have access to her email? Cell phone?

<<cue all the "she has a right to privacy.." nuts in 3...2...1...>>
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WonkyNinja

MarriedDude said:


> My wife friended an Ex a number of years back....he was a 4th grade boyfriend or something like that...
> 
> Stalked her to the point of losing his wife, driving mine nuts, and having some legal drama.
> 
> My wife still won't have a facebook....


I am really sorry for what you and your wife went through. There are some really crazy people in this world. 

But that doesn't mean that everyone who contacts someone from their past will have the same experience.


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## MarriedDude

WonkyNinja said:


> Did you read his post? He had access to a long term conversation that gave no indication of anything going on so you suggest going nuclear and making a total fool of her based upon absolutely nothing. If the marriage had no problems before then it certainly would have by following your advice.
> 
> 
> 
> Read his post. He made no mention of any sort of hyper-personal sharing, that was entirely your concoction.
> 
> So you suggest that he open a small issue conversation by putting down divorce papers. The only thing that will stop quickly is any ideas she has of spending another 15 years happily married.


*"Sure enough, they had been chatting it up for a while. Commenting on each others pics ( “wow, you are still so beautiful” or “Beautiful pic, I love the way the light falls on your face”.) They were complimenting one another, encouraging one another, how proud they were of one another. He at one point even asked her to private message him with her email address so that he could send her a song or something. There was also the sharing of past memories.."



*

Ummm. Then she hides the evidence....doesn't come clean...etc. 

So you suggest what????Stay the course?


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## WonkyNinja

MarriedDude said:


> *"Sure enough, they had been chatting it up for a while. Commenting on each others pics ( “wow, you are still so beautiful” or “Beautiful pic, I love the way the light falls on your face”.) They were complimenting one another, encouraging one another, how proud they were of one another. He at one point even asked her to private message him with her email address so that he could send her a song or something. There was also the sharing of past memories.."
> 
> 
> 
> *
> 
> Ummm. Then she hides the evidence....doesn't come clean...etc.
> 
> So you suggest what????Stay the course?


Like I said the hiding of it was suspicious.

I'd suggest sitting down and discussing it noteing carefully if anything appears to catch her off guard or be hidden.

I'd not suggest rushing in like a bull in a china shop slamming down divorce papers and declaring her to be a cheat in front of her whole family so you blow up a 15 year marriage without any evidence.

Complimenting someone and being pleased for them about their success or how their life has turned out is not a bad thing, I do it often.


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## ConanHub

WonkyNinja said:


> Did you read his post? He had access to a long term conversation that gave no indication of anything going on so you suggest going nuclear and making a total fool of her based upon absolutely nothing. If the marriage had no problems before then it certainly would have by following your advice.
> 
> 
> 
> Read his post. He made no mention of any sort of hyper-personal sharing, that was entirely your concoction.
> 
> So you suggest that he open a small issue conversation by putting down divorce papers. The only thing that will stop quickly is any ideas she has of spending another 15 years happily married.


Read on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
You missed a few things.


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## manfromlamancha

OK here is how I see it generally works:

A spouse having contact with an ex is BAD.

A spouse befriending an ex on Facebook is WORSE.

A spouse complimenting an ex is EVEN WORSE.

A spouse engaging with an ex for years and years is DANGEROUS.

A spouse keeping it a secret and then deleting it is A BIG WARNING SIGN.

So anyone who tells you that this was harmless and not blowing up a 15 year marriage over is telling you to ignore the BIG WARNING SIGN.

Her behaviour (as a married woman) is simply inappropriate. She needs to know that.


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## ConanHub

WonkyNinja said:


> Like I said the hiding of it was suspicious.
> 
> I'd suggest sitting down and discussing it noteing carefully if anything appears to catch her off guard or be hidden.
> 
> I'd not suggest rushing in like a bull in a china shop slamming down divorce papers and declaring her to be a cheat in front of her whole family so you blow up a 15 year marriage without any evidence.
> 
> Complimenting someone and being pleased for them about their success or how their life has turned out is not a bad thing, I do it often.


I posted what I would do. Some folks have way more taste for bvllshyt than me.

OP isn't me so maybe your advice will benefit him more.

This is an ea. You might have more tolerance for stupid shyt like this so give your advice.

I've been married over 20 and would do this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58

WonkyNinja said:


> Just ask her about it.
> 
> Since you said you'd read through the conversation and there was nothing there you really don't need to overreact. However after saying that it does seem odd that she deleted the whole conversation after your comment. I'd only be concerned if she's evasive about it.
> 
> I have a couple of exes among my FB friends and my wife knows about them likewise she has exes on her FB page but there's no secrecy about it either way.
> 
> You'll get comments on here that any contact with exes will lead to an affair and there are some posters with an opposite point of view. You know your wife better than anybody so you really need to keep that in mind before being convinced either way by strangers.


Worst advice I've ever seen. Well, almost.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frusdil

OP your wife's conduct is absolutely, unequivocally inappropriate!! The POS ex is a scumbag who has no respect for your marriage, clearly, but it's not his conduct that should concern you. You're nothing to him after all. Your wife on the other hand, is a totally different story.

Trips down memory lane? WHAT THE??? 

The only contact my husband has with his ex relates directly to their daughter. He's not interested in anything else to do with her, and he'd rather forget the memories of when they were together, lol. No way in hel! would I tolerate any of the shenanigans that your wife is engaging in. No way.

Ask her directly if she's ever had any PM's from an ex on FB. If she lies to you...wow.


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## jdawg2015

OP, if you confront you need to be firm on what you want her to do and you MUST be willing to back it up.

1. You need to tell her you've seen the texts and consider it a betrayal of the marriage to you.
2. Contact the ex and tell him you read the texts and if he contacts your wife again that this will be the beginning of a lot of problems for him.
3. You need to gather allies in this and tell her parents, close friends, etc Contact the guys wife or gf.
4. Tell her that she must end forever ANY contact with the guy. Tell her absolutely no exceptions.
5. She must be 100% transparent with all electronics and social media. All passwords shared.
6. Tell her any contact with other men will result in immediate divorce. 

This is the time to test just how much she values your marriage. Don't put up with any bull**** about you spying or lack of trust. 

You need to be very alpha right now. If necessary file for divorce. This will really shake her up. You can easily file a continuance or dismiss later. If you decide to divorce get lawyer and then file.

Going forward you will have trust issues with your wife. Life probably will never be the same. I suggest you two get counselling.


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## DoneWithHurting

W had old boyfriend start commenting on her posts.
One was bad - on my anniversary post to her he asked her to lunch. She didn't respond but I told her to shut him down if he did it again.
I sent him a friend request ( i had met him a couple times years ago on a job.... he didn't accept.
Then he did asked again in a private message.
I flipped the F out and made her "defriend him"
Was quite a scene. There has been no contact since. 2 years now.

Put your foot down before this escalates and don't take no for an answer.

If this happens again, divorce papers will be handed so fast her head will spin.


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## Celes

I agree with WonkyNinja, ask her about it. Going nuclear on her will most likely backfire and push her into her ex's arms. Be direct and tell her you find it inappropriate. Leave it up to her to end the conversations. Suggest counseling to get to the bottom of her need to communicate with this guy. If she doesn't agree to counseling or doesn't stop talking to the ex, then walk.


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## MattMatt

I do not keep in touch with any ex girlfriends. At all.

It just seems safer that way, you know? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974

Have to agree with MattMatt. Maybe I am just missing the "I care" gene when it was handed out but I just have no desire to know what is going on with an X let alone talk to them. I just don't care...... they are ex's and I broke it off with them for a reason.

OP. I think you just have to man up and tell her directly this isn't ok and your expectation is that this guy is deleted from her Facebook and no further contact. Can't possibly see any good coming from having this guy involved in your marriage.


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## MarriedDude

Celes said:


> I agree with WonkyNinja, ask her about it. Going nuclear on her will most likely backfire and push her into her ex's arms. Be direct and tell her you find it inappropriate. Leave it up to her to end the conversations. Suggest counseling to get to the bottom of her need to communicate with this guy. If she doesn't agree to counseling or doesn't stop talking to the ex, then walk.


If demanding that she act appropriately, stop contacting her ex, stop hiding her activities,.....pushes her into her ex's arms....

Then OP has way worse problems than an EA.


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## Peaf

I agree with most of what has already been said. Confront her and make it clear she's been inappropriate. I would expect her to be the one to address the ex about discontinuing contact and copying you on the email(so he knows that you know). It means more if SHE breaks it off, in my opinion. In fact, I would give her the chance to offer to do this before telling her she had to, just to get a better feel for the situation. (If she doesn't offer, I'd demand she do it). 

I don't think I'd tell everyone in the family, friends, etc. You'll likely end up with outside influences not lending support to reconciliation, if that's the road you choose to take. If it blows up down the road, you look like a fool for having given her a second chance. Besides, if you stay with her, do you want everyone thinking your wife is a cheating wh*re (cause it will probably get blown out of proportion). It's really just not anyone else's business. 

In case I overlooked this: how long ago was she with this person? And how long was the relationship?


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## ConanHub

Celes said:


> I agree with WonkyNinja, ask her about it. Going nuclear on her will most likely backfire and push her into her ex's arms. Be direct and tell her you find it inappropriate. Leave it up to her to end the conversations. Suggest counseling to get to the bottom of her need to communicate with this guy. If she doesn't agree to counseling or doesn't stop talking to the ex, then walk.


That outcome is actually desirable to a man tempered like me.

A woman stupid enough to play with my life would be no prize.

I would help her pack and drop her dumb ass off if she balked at all.

Hopefully OP is not so desperate as to think a woman too stupid to protect her marriage is worth all his efforts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor

RDZ, does this ex live nearby? If there is a chance for meeting up, it was almost certainly a PA as well as EA.

Brad Paisley nails it in his song "Facebook Friends". https://youtu.be/yhnYGbaJQck

I have some responses to your specific question but have to run for now and will think on it and respond more thoroughly later.


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## Thor

WonkyNinja said:


> You'll get comments on here that any contact with exes *will* lead to an affair and there are some posters with an opposite point of view.


I don't think it is quite as black/white as you portray. I am solidly in the no-exes camp, but because of the risk not because of the certainty. Contact with exes is statistically the #1 threat to a marriage.

Ever driven a bit intoxicated? Many people do, and it is the #1 risk of an accident. But many people don't have an accident, out of pure dumb luck, when they drive impaired. That's how I look at contact with exes.


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## Thor

An important consideration usually glossed over is that contact with exes can siphon off emotional or sexual energy from a marriage. Since we had an emotional and/or sexual connection with this person in the past, we can't just erase it _if we're still having contact with them_. Exes are fundamentally different than any other friend in this way.

So we let energy leak out of our marriage when we have contact with exes. As with RDZ's wife, there is a element of emotional or sexual energy when having contact with an ex. I believe it to be an exceedingly rare case when this is not true.

It is common to claim the spouse who complains is being insecure, jealous, controlling, or has some other shameful reaction going on. When the wandering spouse (let's use that term just for clarity in my discussion) uses this shaming technique, it is the opposite of a loving and caring response to their hurting spouse. This is an emotion intimacy killer.

So now we have both an energy leak and an emotional intimacy killer. All for what? Reminiscing with an ex about the good 'ol days?

Regardless of whether one considers the aggrieved spouse to be overly insecure, the aggrieved has the right to be bothered by what is going on. If it bothers him, _it bothers him_. And the wandering spouse has the obligation to either willfully stop the contact, or to declare the aggrieved an unsuitable partner due to his over sensitivity. What is not acceptable is to take the contact underground on the theory it protects the aggrieved's feelings if he doesn't know about it.

Because here, as we so often see, the aggrieved does find out about it.


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## Thor

Wolf1974 said:


> OP. I think you just have to man up and tell her directly this isn't ok and your expectation is that this guy is deleted from her Facebook and no further contact.


Not deleted, BLOCKED. I wish I'd known about the BLOCKED feature when I went through this bvllsh1t with my wife 5 years ago. It would have prevented the mess of last summer being able to happen.

I think OP needs to do a bit more sleuthing before the big confront. Be sure there aren't alternative channels of communication going on.


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## theworkwidow

I have 3 exBFs on FB. High school, college, and summer camp. My husband doesn't care since they're all married and live out of state. I wouldn't want any of them back and he knows that. As a matter of fact I only friended one of them because he's a good professional resource. The others really were just about reminiscing. On the other hand he's got his exGF on speed dial on his phone. I accept that because they've got a child together although they were never married. He hates her guts (he caught her in THEIR bed with his best friend) so I don't worry about him messing around with her.

It never ceases to amaze me the stupid sh*t that happens on and through social media.

But me personally, if there was nothing in their conversations that was lovey-dovey or running you down or talking about getting together in person, this just wouldn't bother me. Especially if the marriage still seems good otherwise.


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## Wolf1974

Thor said:


> Not deleted, BLOCKED. I wish I'd known about the BLOCKED feature when I went through this bvllsh1t with my wife 5 years ago. It would have prevented the mess of last summer being able to happen.
> 
> I think OP needs to do a bit more sleuthing before the big confront. Be sure there aren't alternative channels of communication going on.


Well whatever it is you call it. I'm not up on all the features/ lingo of Facebook, don't really care for it and don't live my life on social media. What's described in this thread is a big reason why. Seems like it invites nothing but drama in some people's lives lol


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## Yeswecan

RDZ8591 said:


> Hello all…
> 
> I am rather confused how to handle a situation with my wife and need some input.
> 
> My Wife connected with her ex boyfriend on facebook about three years ago. I knew that she befriended him, but that was where I thought the connection ended.
> 
> About a year ago,I was logging on to facebook (my wife and I both use the same computer to use facebook) when I noticed facebook was already open to her account. I was about to log off when I saw that it was open to a private conversation between her and her ex. It was a long conversation spanning over a couple of years and some of the time stamps on the conversation were late at night early morning. There was nothing in the conversation to indicate any sort of affair, but there was a descent amount of "remember the time we went here and the time we went there” kind of thing. During the 15 years that I have known my wife, she rarely speaks about this guy. When she does, she refers to him as “my ex”. I did not know his name or anything about him nor did I ever care to ask. So I was very surprised by their conversation, especially since it happened secretly, late at night.
> 
> Then one day, we were watching a show where the wife was having an emotional affair with another man. I remember making a comment like “I would be devastated if that were me” or something along those lines. Three days later, I checked her facebook account again (she keeps herself logged in on facebook after using it. Almost like she wants me to see this stuff..) and the conversation between her and her ex was deleted.
> 
> At this point, I still did not say anything to her about what I found. Instead, I decided to monitor her activity a bit more. All public and private facebook activity stopped for some time, so I decided to look into their past activity on facebook. Sure enough, they had been chatting it up for a while. Commenting on each others pics ( “wow, you are still so beautiful” or “Beautiful pic, I love the way the light falls on your face”.) They were complimenting one another, encouraging one another, how proud they were of one another. He at one point even asked her to private message him with her email address so that he could send her a song or something. There was also the sharing of past memories..
> 
> Now, about once every one to two months, he publicly tags her with a memory from their past, and they take a stroll down memory lane together.
> 
> I have no idea how to talk to her about all of this without appearing as some sort of jealous, insecure husband that spies on his wife.
> 
> This all sort of fell on my lap as I was not suspicious of her before I saw that private chat. Any advice or guidance would be appreciated. Thank you.



There are reasons EX is called an EX. As a couple you may talk about ex's and bury them after that. Your W having an ex on FB is insensitive. Imagine if you would your ex on your FB page reminiscing with your every few months. Then to carry on via the chat function. 

So, you obviously can see your W FB page and read what others are posting on the wall. The ex BF is not the problem. The problem is your W entertaining the ex BF posts of past good times. There is no snooping. It is out there plain as day. Advise your W you are uncomfortable with her ex on her FB page. You would like him removed from the friends list. If she defends the ex being on the FB page and advises it is harmless then you have got a problem. You advise it may appear harmless to her but to you it is red flags and more so now that she is defending his presence on her page. Then turn the table. How would she receive you with receiving post from your past ex's?(my wife would not accept it at all) Maybe some chit chat via the chat function. Watch your W face go white as a ghost. This might trigger her even more into going deeper or deleting everything of the ex as she did previously. Either way, taking a stroll down memory lane with a ex is completely disrespectful of you IMO.


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## Thor

Wolf1974 said:


> Well whatever it is you call it. I'm not up on all the features/ lingo of Facebook, don't really care for it and don't live my life on social media. What's described in this thread is a big reason why. Seems like it invites nothing but drama in some people's lives lol


Hey I wasn't knocking you at all. I had no idea about FB other than I could monitor my teen daughters' activities by having an account. My counselor guided me to ask my wife to "unfriend" her ex-bf, so that is what I did. Later on I learned about _blocking_ someone so they disappear completely on FB. Too bad I didn't know about it back the first go-round with wife's ex-bf.


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## Marduk

It could have been the start of an EA and after you made that comment she realized that she was risking your relationship and she shut it down on her own.

Or it could be that she took it underground. 

In either case, I'd advise the same thing: ask her about it. Gently - because if she shut it down herself you don't want to make her try to hide it further. 

"Hey, what ever happened to what's his name? I know you guys used to chat quite often, and to be honest I felt kind of weird about that because you used to be together."

She will either tell you that indeed they used to chat all the time and she felt weird about that and shut it down, or she will deny everything, or somewhere in between. 

If she roughly does the former, you might be good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedDude

marduk said:


> It could have been the start of an EA and after you made that comment she realized that she was risking your relationship and she shut it down on her own.
> 
> Or it could be that she took it underground.
> 
> In either case, I'd advise the same thing: ask her about it. Gently - because if she shut it down herself you don't want to make her try to hide it further.
> 
> *"Hey, what ever happened to what's his name? I know you guys used to chat quite often, and to be honest I felt kind of weird about that because you used to be together."*
> 
> She will either tell you that indeed they used to chat all the time and she felt weird about that and shut it down, or she will deny everything, or somewhere in between.
> 
> If she roughly does the former, you might be good.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



That would probably be the best way to go....Gives her the out..she gets to save face if she did the right thing. Gives you quite the insight if she denies or evades.


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## lifeistooshort

I'm of the opinion that exes have no place in a relationship. Period. Not even to talk about.....but I'm jaded because of my hb's insane oversharing about exes.

I suppose if there's a purpose behind a discussion involving exes that's ok, but beyond that? Nope.

I do think that putting divorce papers in front of her is a bit premature and an overreaction, but I see no reason you shouldn't bring it up. Ask her point blank if there's a particular reason she hid this from you and why she thinks this is appropriate, and if she starts with her privacy tell her that she's full of sh!t.....you're her husband and if she needs her privacy she can be single.

Depending on her response you could tell her that since this is the boundary she wishes to keep you will honor the same boundary in your dealings with other women, if that's the kind of marriage she wants.

If she tries to bullsh!t you use my line: don't insult my intelligence with your bullsh!t.


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## Thor

I expect her reaction to be "it was no big deal", and "it wouldn't bother me if the roles were reversed and you chatted with one of your ex-gfs". That kind of leaves you out in the cold, looking like the idiot. You've not seen anything which proves an "affair", though many of us would argue it was an EA of some sort. You don't have any proof positive of a PA.

And next comes your boundary of "I will not be in a marriage with someone who maintains a secret relationship with their ex". But you can expect her to call you on this. Because obviously you are skittish about approaching her when something bothers you, she has learned to push you around somewhat. At least to the point of having this secret relationship with her ex. And so she'll challenge you if you set such a nuclear boundary. She'll laugh at you, she'll mock you, she'll shake her head and call you some kind of name (shaming you). She'll ask if you really want to make this the hill your marriage dies on.

When you approach her, you have to do it with sincere commitment to whatever boundary you set.

I would start with the suggestion of asking her whatever happened to old whatshisname and gauge her response. I would then state that such contact is not acceptable and you are upset and surprised she would carry on a secret relationship behind your back with another man, especially an ex-bf. Do this calmly and without showing hurt. You can't look like a kid about to cry. If her reactions have been positive and supportive of you, and if she shows true remorse, I don't think you need to put out the nuclear boundary. You could put it out as a hint, that you're glad she's seeing it this way because you couldn't continue in the marriage the way it was. But if she doesn't show remorse, if she becomes combative or aggressive, then it is time for you to issue a calm but firm nuclear boundary. Make it about you, not her. Don't say "choose me or him", and don't say "you decide if you want this marriage". Say something like "I cannot remain in this marriage if you continue any contact with whatshisname".


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## 3Xnocharm

Well..you have full access to her account...you could send him a message telling him to leave your wife alone or you will contact HIS wife/gf. You can also unfriend and block him, and watch her reaction on that. Just a thought...

You need to get into her email as well, I have a feeling you will find even more stuff between them. Be sure to check the sent and deleted folders. 

You need a non-negotiable boundary on this. Tell her she is free to chit chat with her ex, but since it isn't something you can tolerate, that she will be doing it as a single woman. It kills me how people worry about being accused of "spying" etc, that's how cheaters react is by turning the situation around so that it looks like YOU are the one doing wrong! Bullsh!t! Its very telling that she deleted her chat AFTER you made mention about an EA! Talk about guilty!


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## frusdil

DoneWithHurting said:


> W had old boyfriend start commenting on her posts.
> One was bad - *on my anniversary post to her he asked her to lunch*. She didn't respond but I told her to shut him down if he did it again.
> I sent him a friend request ( i had met him a couple times years ago on a job.... he didn't accept.
> Then he did asked again in a private message.
> I flipped the F out and made her "defriend him"
> Was quite a scene. There has been no contact since. 2 years now.
> 
> Put your foot down before this escalates and don't take no for an answer.
> 
> If this happens again, divorce papers will be handed so fast her head will spin.


OMG!!! :surprise: What a knobjockey!

That's very telling of exactly what his intentions were with your wife...wow...


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## lifeistooshort

3Xnocharm said:


> Well..you have full access to her account...you could send him a message telling him to leave your wife alone or you will contact HIS wife/gf. You can also unfriend and block him, and watch her reaction on that. Just a thought...
> 
> You need to get into her email as well, I have a feeling you will find even more stuff between them. Be sure to check the sent and deleted folders.
> 
> You need a non-negotiable boundary on this. Tell her she is free to chit chat with her ex, but since it isn't something you can tolerate, that she will be doing it as a single woman. It kills me how people worry about being accused of "spying" etc, that's how cheaters react is by turning the situation around so that it looks like YOU are the one doing wrong! Bullsh!t! Its very telling that she deleted her chat AFTER you made mention about an EA! Talk about guilty!



This is a good idea. Why don't you message him and ask him who the fvck he is asking your wife to lunch? Tell him you've got your eye on him and maybe his wife is fair game. 

Your wife should shut this down but why don't you make contact? Tell him you know who he is and where he lives.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdawg2015

I would have replied on the spot and tell him flat out, no my wife if not available for her ex bf on our wedding anniversary.

That way EVERYONE would have known the inappropriateness.





DoneWithHurting said:


> W had old boyfriend start commenting on her posts.
> One was bad - on my anniversary post to her he asked her to lunch. She didn't respond but I told her to shut him down if he did it again.
> I sent him a friend request ( i had met him a couple times years ago on a job.... he didn't accept.
> Then he did asked again in a private message.
> I flipped the F out and made her "defriend him"
> Was quite a scene. There has been no contact since. 2 years now.
> 
> Put your foot down before this escalates and don't take no for an answer.
> 
> If this happens again, divorce papers will be handed so fast her head will spin.


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## ConanHub

What up OP?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor

Looks like a one-post drive by. This topic as well as a few others always make me skeptical about the OP, especially when they are very low post count. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt to see how things develop, but this one is starting to look like someone lobbed red meat into the cage for jollies.


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## EllisRedding

Thor said:


> Looks like a one-post drive by. This topic as well as a few others always make me skeptical about the OP, especially when they are very low post count. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt to see how things develop, but this one is starting to look like someone lobbed red meat into the cage for jollies.


There are a few threads going on right now that feel rather "trolly"


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## jorgegene

Thor said:


> Looks like a one-post drive by. This topic as well as a few others always make me skeptical about the OP, especially when they are very low post count. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt to see how things develop, but this one is starting to look like someone lobbed red meat into the cage for jollies.


maybe so, but it did bring up a good discussion anyway.
that being 'ex's'; not as in mother or father of your kids, but as in 
keeping contact with ex's as buddies.

there are several people here who have insisted that they keep in touch with ex's and their contacts pose no threat to their marriages.
of this i have no doubt. to me, benefit of the doubt must be given.

nevertheless, IMHO, they are the exception, not the rule. you can find a group of people in ANY given situation who buck conventional wisdom and yet their marriage still functions well and safely. prime example is the open marriage group here. there are several here who have open marriages and their marriages are high functioning, tested by time, and yet the ones i'm thinking of will, even admit it's not for 'most'. 

so, just because it works for some doesn't mean it works for most.
in my opinion, it's never a good idea.
why? because, there are almost always strong, leftover, feelings of endearment. there are reason's they are ex's as a few posters pointed out, but those bad memories and the dysfunction that caused the breakup tend to fade into the background over time, and the feelings of endearment tend to come to the foreground in memory.
then what happens? you know what happens and if you think otherwise, you're kidding yourself.

does it always happen? of course not. does it happen often? you better believe it. are some people able to handle it better than others? sure. are most people able to handle it without ANY emotional involvement and as an above poster eloquently stated 'rob emotional energy form the marriage'? i personally think most people can't stay completely objective, like love itself.

that's why i think it's never a good idea.


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## RDZ8591

No I am here. Not a troll I assure you. Very sorry for not responding sooner! I was very busy this week and just now getting around to reading all of the responses. I appreciate the feedback. I have a great deal of thinking to do. Still quite confused how to proceed to be honest.


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## RDZ8591

AlisonBlaire - Yes, I have been monitoring this for a year, perhaps a bit longer. Not exactly sure.


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## RDZ8591

I just wanted to thank each and every one of you for taking time out of your busy day to respond to my post. I am very sorry for not responding sooner. I have been very busy this week and just reading your responses now Honestly, I am still not certain how to proceed. Have to think about my approach. I will keep you all posted, if interested of course. Again, thank you!


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## WasDecimated

My XWW joined Fvckbook in the beginning of 2009. Within 6 months she "friended" an old boyfriend from high school. That was the first "last" day of our marriage. She was physically cheating within 3 months.


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## Peaf

I saw this quote (on Facebook, go figure) and thought of you. ...
"If two past lovers can remain friends, it's either they are still in love, or never were".

I'm totally against contact with exes (the exception where kids are concerned of course). Good luck


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## *Deidre*

I'd just confront her. At the end of the day, she is either completely 'all in' with you or not. There's no room in a marriage for a third partner, so if she wants to explore her options, then she needs to let you know so you both can figure out where the marriage stands. Everyyyything starts off 'innocently.' It starts off with compliments, and such...pretty soon, they may choose to meet up and she'll make up a story as to where she's going for the weekend. Please do your best to address this now. Good luck


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## imperfectworld

I finally got around to this thread and the situation is nearly identical to my own, but the "caught" conversation toned down a notch or two compared with the OP. 

I do have a problem with retroactive jealousy, but I am self-aware that I'm weird that way and so it was with some reluctance I asked her to de-friend several exes including the one with the messages. 

In my case it was more about showing respect for me than catching her doing something. I feel a little better reading the tactical advice here that I was within my rights, even though it was the mental triggering that bugged me, not the risk of an affair. 

Good luck in whatever you choose to do.


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## Thor

imperfectworld said:


> I do have a problem with retroactive jealousy, but I am self-aware that I'm weird that way and so it was with some reluctance I asked her to de-friend several exes including the one with the messages.
> 
> In my case it was more about showing respect for me than catching her doing something..


Yup, it is all about the respect for you and the marriage. For anybody. Keeping around reminders of exes does nothing to show respect to you, whether it be gifts from the exes or continuing to have social contact with them.

You'd have much less issue with retro-active jealousy if you weren't being reminded of those exes.


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## Marc878

This is your marriage too. It's seems like you're afraid of her. Not a good position to be in.

Anyone with any common sense see the potential danger her. Don't be put in a position on having to deal with an impossible problem later.

Get a copy of Not Just a Friends and read up. Forums are littered with stories that evolved through contacts just like this.


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## Janis

You SHOULD know who your partner is talking to and what they are doing. If you don't, you aren't bonded enough or they are sneaking around. 

Address her and pay attention to the signs.


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