# Breaking Point? Help!



## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

It's been over 3 and a half months since my wife walked out unexpectedly in middle of night -she has been staying with her mother 5 minutes away. Her mother is basically doing everything for her. We have a 11 year old daughter whio is going back and forth for visitation. We were arguing a lot for months before she left- mainly because wife kept saying she believed there was someone else (there never has been) despite my pleading to her to the contrary. My wife also had a "break" so to speak as she started suggesting I was putting something in her coffee which was causing her stomach discomfort etc. She sounded paranoid. She is seeing a psychiatrist but she has basically refused to discuss our marriage except for a few times where she keeps telling me what I need to do to change. She acknowledged I changed so many times but says she needs to see its permanent. However, despite the fact it appeared she was leaning towards home in August, she seems to be drifting farther away now and did not acknowledge our anniversary even though I did (see my other post). She won't see a lawyer, wont discuss the marriage and justs eems to enjoy the status quo; me in the house and all financial and other issues the same. Do I just wait indefintely? I am not waiting Inpatiently and feel I need to take some action soon. However, what benefit do I get from this. She sends mixed sigmnals when she says I Love You back or occassionally on her own-at times and buys gifts and will do me favors. How do you know when a spouse is "gone" and won't tell you? Should I continue minimim contacts? Should I ask her where does she believe we are at or will this likely make the situation worse? She will not go to counseling which I find unbelievable since she apparently thinks I am all the problem. is this because she does not want to face a counselor for fear of having call her out on her own behavior? My objective is to have her come come of course but there comes a time when you just can't take much more. Help!


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Hey Waiting...
how concerned are you about her mental health? has she always been paranoid? is there any history of mental illness? is she able to go to work etc?


----------



## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

K- she has always been extremely jealous and paranoid throughout the marriage that there is someone else. No matter what I do it did not matter-there was always another person in her mind-so sad. Even now, she still make suggestions there is someone else despite I am waiting for her to come home. Even though she won't discuss it now, she went through 30,000 of testing the month before she left because her stomach was hurting- docs found nothing. Then, she said her pain must be from the marriage discourse. She started asking whether I put anything in her coffee, whether there was another woman, asked in a manner that seemed paranoid why iw as raising our insurance limits, and called the day after the night she left sugggesting I put insecticide on countertops. Now, she seems to have plausible understanding this was crazy for her to think; however, she thought all this before. Could she be staying away from our home because she really DOES BELIEVE I was trying to do something but won't tell me and makes up other excuses why she won't come home? Is this possible? This all happened so fast- she was still sending me emails and telling me how much she loved me right up until she left. I am just at a lost because I have no answers. Does she just not want to be married to me or is she having a mental break?


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Do you guys have the same GP? can you talk to them about it? 
I am sorry to say but this sounds like pretty crazy behaviour to me -


----------



## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Hey Waiting, sorry to hear about your situation. Your wife sounds like she needs help. pm me and I will direct you to a site that can help you and your kid.


----------



## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

No history with her but her grandmother was hospitalized for a breakdown for 6 months! She is going to work. Currently, living at her mother's home. Her mother does all cooking, cleaning, washes her car etc- like she is a child again. I can see why she wants the status quo to continue. Her thinking is so irrational though- still discussing private school for our child and we clearly cannot afford $22,000 per year for this (6th grade) if we remain separated-however, she states she will do it by herself if she has to-never mind the transportation logistics for her which won't work for our work schedules- even our daughter mentioned this. More, she comes by house and talks about me painting trim in house, discussed landscaping in yard that must be done, grabs clothes from drawers all over house, brings to mother's house to sort and organize and donate; then brings back to the house to put back in drawers. Does this sound bizarre to you? She did this with all bathroom cabinents as well. It's like she is purging everything in her life and reorganizing. What do you make of this?


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Well I think it just depends how 'different' it is to her previous behaviour for example my H is extremely childish when it comes to sorting the financial side of our separation - but this is consistent with his behaviour when in the relationship - it is just I didn't notice it so much....
the sorting stuff sounds pretty mad to me 
but the thing is these situations make us a bit mad as well - so I wouldn't like to say -
but ongoing paranoia is pretty scary stuff in my book and would be enough to make me be checking every mentak health avenue I could .....


----------



## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

Kortoh-

Sometimes I think I would feel better if I knew it was a mental illness. However, don't mentally ill people still stay with their spouses? ie- she can be mentally ill and just not want to be married to me anymore right? I wish I just had an answer from her like- I had an affair and don't want to be married; I don't love you, I want a divorce- anything to be able to just cut the umbilical cord and let go. many actions suggest she is not coming back (disregard anniversary, no counseling, no date nights, no communication about us etc) but others make me wonder- (everything still in house, discusses painting and improving house, private school issues, gifts she gave me, tells me she loves me)- it is such a paradox. However, i think all the confusing signals should be overweighed by one simple fact- she is not home and is doing nothing by action to work on the marriage- agree? ie- she can say anything she wants but unless she is working on the marriage to come home, this is futile~! Dioes anyone have a hypothesis on why spouses leave and then refuse to take ANY action one way or another to either work on the marriage or dissolve it? My wife seems to be in la la land and is doing abolsutely nothing. Since my wife knows I formerly was a family law litigator, you would think she would want to take some action to protect herself as I know how this system works like the back of my hand. Is'nt that weird?


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

I don't think you really would feel better if you knew it was a mental illness - honestly...

my H left and did nothing - didn't find anywhere to live, didn't sort out finances - 
left everything in house....

he came back left a 2nd time it has been nearly 4 months - nothing is sorted 
we still have joint bank accounts, he has not seen a lawyer, he has not told me how much maintenance he will pay me -

who knows why but they do this - some people do this -

inmy case my H is waiting for me to sort it out...I have always atken care of life's details and he is not big on this stuff 

I have refused to this time around and so NOTHING has been done 

it suits me _ I am still in house - 

is your wife used to you sorting things? be honest have you taken control/care of many practical aspects ?

I kept on thinking that it meant that my H hadn't detached and he hadn't but it didn't mean that he didn't want to - 

and yes that's where I got to - reading actions only -

in my H's case even these were confusing ...........

you seem resistant to the idea that mental illness may be involved - sure people leave all the time without being unwell but I must admit right down to leaving in the middle of the night your situation seems as though there could be some issues...


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Is she seeing a psychiatrist (M.D.)? For the most part they are into medication management nowadays and not counseling. Some (rare) do counseling but usually those with medication needs see a psychiatrist.

She sound like she has some bizarre behavior. We don't have enough info. but obviously she is behaving different regarding your relationship. 

Take care of yourself during this time. She won't come back until she's dealt with her issues.


----------



## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

Knor and Corpus- I DO believe mental illness has a part playing in this game. However, could mental illness make someone walk out and not come home if they, for example, loved someone? Perhaps it could. Our daughter tells me frequently that mommy is acting weird at grandma's. No matter how much I keep her out of it, it just seems it is impossible to insulate. For example, this weekend she told me not to allow mommy to guilt me into blaming myself into why mommy left- itw as her decision. This just broke my heart. I told her that sometimes people need to get away in order to fix things but she needs to know that she did not create or cause it and, most importantly, she cannot fix this-only mommy can. Sad thing is, I wish I could just go up to my wife, wrap my arms around her and tell her everything is going to be alright-but I cannot!

Knor- that must have beend evastating for him to come back only to leave again- I am so sorry. This is one of my worst fears- that my wife will return only to leave again and start the pain over again for myself and our daughter. I don't think i can do this 2X-let alone once! She was NEVER good at all at sorting things- closets, personal areas were always a Pig Stye- but shew as extreme in the same- everything was either always clean and spotless or completely uninhabitable. This period where she seems to be reviewing and purging everything is new. Perhaps when the chaos and grief overwhelm us in the inside, we do everything we can on the outseide to bring some semblance and stability to our lives. I agree though- there has got to be a mental illness component- even our daughter's therapist said- "your wife left in the middle of the night without telling anyone?"

Corpus- she is seeing a Psychiatrist but i believe it may be one that is reluctant to giver meds- I agree- that there is likely no way for her to return (and I don't want her to return) unless and until she has addressed whatever internal turmoil she is working on.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Mental illness can make a person do MANY things. The least of which is too walk out! 

Not sure what her DX is but I still wonder if she is seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist or counselor. Often people use these mental health professional titles interchangebly. They are different. 

If she is seeing a psychiatrist and NOT getting meds...that would be HIGHLY unusual! They mostly RX medications and don't do the counseling. So if she is seeing one and not getting meds than I am suspicious that she is seeing one at all!


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Waiting 

your daughter just sounds smart and on the money - it_ is _heartbreaking when they seem ahead of their parents emotional state.. but they can be - my 8 year old already _sees_ things more clearly than my H (41) 

I think you need more info -

medical info about your wife 

and CW is correct you need to work out what you can do to protect yourself and your daughter as much as you can...

it is hard to say what that may mean right now


----------



## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

waiting...i feel so much for you. we are still parallel! my h wont come home...he cant do it right now. drives me nuts. would rather talk to friends and family about our/his issues. they are AGAINST what he is doing and then when he is here i fet the sh t, for what they have said!
he want us to move into a "BETTER" home. we are in a 114 year old wonderful farmhouse! yes I understand the money we could save, what should i care though...he is footing the bill! is he going to move with us? he doesnt know if he can do that...i dont want to make such a big change if he will not be part of ot for the sake of our children...they deserve the stability.
like i told corpus...we are headind out for a vaca tonight...im am elated but also worried if i with encounter Jeckyll or Hyde! keep your chin up! im thinking of you! (and everyone else here!) wish me some much needed luck!


----------



## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

Knor and Corpus- She IS seeing a Psychiatrist (MD) and a psychologist as well. I recieve the insurance updates and have the submissions by the practitioners. Funny thing is- my wife told me about a month ago that her psychiatrist told her taht she was fine and did not need meds but she elected to take them anyway. I don't know what that means at all but I highly doubt the psychiatrist told her she did not need meds, assuming, she told the doctor was was happenening (paranoia, thoughts I was trying to poison her with coffee, suggesting iw as having affairs with different people at different times even though I was ALWAYS home when not at work). I don't believe anything she says anymore. She also told me that her psychaitrist said I will never change permanently because people don't change. That is funny because my wife repeadely tells me she has seen amazing changes that last 3.5 months but she is afraid they are not permanent (granted I am not sure what they are because she does not talk to me). I highly doubt a reputable doctor would make such a statement about anyone; especially never meeting the person. In short, she is seeing someone but she seems to be drifting a bit farther away notwithstanding. or, in the alternative, perhaps everything is exactly where itw as when she left, as my therapist says, and it is I who is drifting away (not calling her anymore to check on her; not emailing her anymore to say hello etc)- these things did not work and I figured I need to just let go and whatever is meant to happen will- despite the immense pain. Something new, we discussed my wife's employment yesterday, well I just found out this am that she is being highly scrutinized at her job and it appears her posisition as a director could finally now be in jeopardy. My wife told me on the phone things were terrible at work. Unlike in the past where i would swoop down to be at her side to problem solve and assist, i simply told her that I hope it all works ot- she seemed a bit perplexed and sad at my response. I want to help her but I really do think she needs to finally stand on her own two feet if this is what she wants. (for example, in last 3 months she ercieved 3 traffic tickets for speeding and stop sign violations (when had none previous 10 years) and I (I am an attorney) got them all worked out for her. The next time she will need to go it alone. I hope this does not seem harsh but why should I keep enabling someone who walked out and won't take action to work on the marriage or leave.

Lost- your husband is liekly trying to use getting another home to fill a void he has internally in his life. If it means higher mortgage payments or complicating things, I would do anything I can to discourage this, if possible. I akin this to when people are having trouble in their marriage so theyd ecide to have a baby. Any of us who have children know that the demands of brining up a child will not help a couple when they are always on rocky footing. Good luck on the vacation- I wish I had this opportunity as every moment is a chance to create a new memory and reset the negative history he likely has created. Consider reading Divorce Busting and The Divorce remedy by Michelle Weiner davis. They both contain excellent ways to improve your chance for reconciliation, even when your spouse is doing nothing. ie- positive changes with you can only bring positive changes from him!!


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

WP - the more I read of your situation the more it sounds like your wife is in trouble - the work thing is very revealing and from what you said it does sound like you have been covering for her or at least finding ways to get her through things...

I am sorry - 

I really don't know what to say but mental illness has devastating effects -

I guess what I am saying is that I think the rules of engagement, the way you deal with it are perhaps very different for you -


----------



## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

I think you are right, Knor. Could it be that by making no contact it could be sending the wrong message to her that I no longer want to be her husband. In a normal situation, no contact is the way to go; however, could it be that since she is so paranoid I am with someone else and dont care about her, even though I do everything to show her, that it could have the opposite affect and send her packing or growing away from me? help?


----------



## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

The bizarre seesaw continues- talked to my wife today and she seemed happy and was laughing with me on the phone. Since I am going to a friends for dinner this evening, she offered to go to the house in the opossite direction of town to let the dog out to make my life easier. What in the world? My wife will help me let the dog out but won't acknowledge our anniversary...is this a bit crazy?


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

WP I think what I am saying is that your case sounds very complex - I don't know whether it is about sending messages of any kind for you -
I am not sure that anything YOU do is going to have any tangible effect - 
and reading her messages as you are still trying to do is just not going to get you anywhere either 

having said this, despite the concern that you have for her, you need to protect yourself 

you are doing great by the sounds of it...


----------

