# Making a choice...



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

WARNING: This is a little more complicated then most of my threads... and yeah, it's long...

Ok, recent events has really started to sh-t me... it seems my wife is indirectly forcing an ultimatum with me, and I have to make a choice. 

She knows that when I know she's unhappy it eats at me. Probably why she hasn't gone completely bonkers over me poking her yet as I've always forced resolutions to our issues even if she prefers to suffer alone - I hate to let her suffer alone.

I thought I have made my choice but at the same time it seems a part of me does regret it - and it has nothing to do with her. She has been a good wife, our marital dynamics are more chaotic then usual but our passion for each other is also strong - either a byproduct of our chaos or despite it.

Our current issue is not yet solved but unfortunately with our last little talk it seems our current issue won't ever be solved until this new stupid issue that popped out (WHY... WHY DID I LET HER READ MY THREADS... SH-T) has been resolved.

Ok... truth is, I feel like a traitor, always have felt it. I feel ashamed to be with my wife. This is not some racist superiority complex that I have however, I don't look down on her because of her background. I look down on myself because I feel I betrayed my people who are having a tad of a population crisis right now. That is why I say that she has nothing to do with this, that's what I don't include her in this mess either - she wants to help but she can't help.

My dream once was to be a leader, to help my people re-learn lost language (including myself), re-learn our culture after 2 attempted genocides, to keep ourselves from becoming just another footnote in history. And definitely NOT to intermarry when our population struggles to maintain itself.

This issue has caused us problems when we were still dating as well. I tried to push her away because of this, I didn't want us to end up getting close, hell I was even having an emotional affair with her on my girlfriend at the time. The world didn't even want us together, yet for some stupid reason I fell for her. Even then, I didn't even want to get married, back of my mind I still had this mentality, but everytime I tried to break it off with her she manages to parry all my strikes and knee me in the ballsacs and tell me to "WAKE THE F--K UP!"

Then she got pregnant, and I felt honor-bound to provide for her, and I changed a bit. I let go of alot, I was still ashamed for it, but I wanted to provide for her... this led me to love her even more, as there was less holding me back. But... the past comes back to haunt me, stupid really... and I'm done with hiding.

It's time I face this, and if anything my wife deserves it. She's put up with so much more then I would expect any other woman to, she has zero competition, and I always meant that when I told her. But what to do?

Now she has been leading by example in this unfortunately, which is a pain in the butt... she once had a dream of opening up her own church, to help others deal with what she went through during her younger years. That dream got smashed as soon as she dedicated herself to me. Sometimes her dream comes back, and fights me, sometimes she hates that I'm not Christian, and yes that's the reason I ended up joining this forum because of our interreligious crisis a while back.

Her religion to me can been seen as stupid as my loyalty to my people can be seen as stupid. Yet we're always haunted by this.
It's a "slip of tongue" that she had to find out about this... or more like a "slip of forum posts"... bah!

She managed to "alter" her perspective when it comes to the faith to be more marriage-friendly... how can I do the same?


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Ok... truth is, I feel like a traitor, always have felt it. I feel ashamed to be with my wife. This is not some racist superiority complex that I have however, I don't look down on her because of her background. I look down on myself because I feel I betrayed my people who are having a tad of a population crisis right now. That is why I say that she has nothing to do with this, that's what I don't include her in this mess either - she wants to help but she can't help.
> 
> My dream once was to be a leader, to help my people re-learn lost language (including myself), re-learn our culture after 2 attempted genocides, to keep ourselves from becoming just another footnote in history. And definitely NOT to intermarry when our population struggles to maintain itself.


Your people, whoever they are, are going to stand or fall despite whatever you do. Sorry if that seems harsh, but problems like you're describing aren't going to be solved by one man. Be happy for what you have, which by many people's count would be a great deal.

BTW, if the language is lost, how are you going to relearn it? Most Romani in the UK just use a greater or less number of Romani words laid over a substructure of english. All the technical stuff like case structure, verb declension, tenses, whatnot has long gone.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It doesn't excuse me not trying, that's our problem, we fight even if we know we can not win. Hence two stupid genocides. Still doesn't stop it, there's injustice but we're not whining about it, we're dealing with it. Yet, what the hell did I have to do?

We have scattered populations throughout, one is a republic, the other is an autonomous region, the last is a minority in the nation of our closest cousins, and of course, also folks like me born in the middle of nowhere. Rebuilding our culture and language is not impossible, despite assimilation and lack of education there is knowledge to be pieced together from each of our scattered groups.

I just feel sometimes that I could be something more then this, not just some idiot who got himself married. My pride lies in making a difference, and not giving up. And that's why when my wife asked me if I'm her wife or her enemy I couldn't answer her... and hell that face she gave me after lunch is cutting me up!!! Bah!

Meh I'm going to get drunk


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Deep inside when I look at my wife I wish I'm not who I am and when I look at myself I wish I do not have my wife.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Damn it... where's the edit button? Crap...

I hope I'm not being offensive when I mentioned that I'm an idiot who got married, it's solely directed at me, not anyone else. I don't disbelieve in marriage, and I know it can work but... oh hell nevermind


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> My dream once was to be a leader, to help my people re-learn lost language (including myself), re-learn our culture after 2 attempted genocides, to keep ourselves from becoming just another footnote in history. And definitely NOT to intermarry when our population struggles to maintain itself.


Deal with the reality you have chosen and accept yourself. You wanted to be immersed in your people's culture and to help preserve it ....can this not still be done, even while married to your wife? You said definitely not to intermarry. Did your people shun you or do they accept your wife? Did you act in a way that said you expected their acceptance?

I have no experience in feeling this. I'm not even going to make like I can relate because I can't. What I do offer is the thought that you made these choices that have lead you to where you are. If you still wanted to be a good leader/role model/help preserve your culture - is there room for you to be these things AND perhaps help support those who do wish to intermarry? You've been there, you understand the feelings they might go through internally as well as dealing with outside perception.

Ultimately I think a lot of your posts reflect a desire to really know yourself, to accept yourself, and show the REAL side of who you are on a deeper, more vulnerable level. _Maybe_ that real you is someone who still wants these things for your culture while being married to this beautiful, strong woman - but first you truly need to accept this before you ask anyone else to.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> I just feel sometimes that I could be something more then this, not just some idiot who got himself married. My pride lies in making a difference, and not giving up. And that's why when my wife asked me if I'm her wife or her enemy I couldn't answer her... and hell that face she gave me after lunch is cutting me up!!! Bah!
> 
> Meh I'm going to get drunk


The drinking isn't going to bring you clarity. As for being 'something more than this' .....either put down the booze, stop whining, and start taking action to move forward with who it is you really want to be and/or silence your ego and recognize you've already undertaken the most important role in leadership you could ever ask for. You're a father.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> Did your people shun you or do they accept your wife? Did you act in a way that said you expected their acceptance?


My wife is no more accepted then I, as a pagan, is accepted into her church or family. But I don't begrudge them, they have their reasons - reasons I USED to stand up for, reasons that haunt me.



> If you still wanted to be a good leader/role model/help preserve your culture - is there room for you to be these things AND perhaps help support those who do wish to intermarry? You've been there, you understand the feelings they might go through internally as well as dealing with outside perception.


If our population and culture isn't so threatened that would be me, but unfortunately I can't deny reality.



> Ultimately I think a lot of your posts reflect a desire to really know yourself, to accept yourself, and show the REAL side of who you are on a deeper, more vulnerable level.


Yes, a part of me wonders what it would be like if I didn't go through what I went through in my youth. Ignorance is bliss yes? My wife hates the roller-coaster I give her, I make her feel so loved and cherished then once I start thinking again I'm an a$$hole.

Hell... come to think of it now... it seems my issue with insensitivity is more related to my own stupid issue with my pride and loyalty to my people then anything. Gah!



> Maybe that real you is someone who still wants these things for your culture while being married to this beautiful, strong woman - but first you truly need to accept this before you ask anyone else to.


Of course I want it and hell I wish she's one of my people. She probably felt the same way wondering how our lives would have been like if I was actually Christian. But for some reason the strongest woman I have ever met in my life has to be her...



> The drinking isn't going to bring you clarity. As for being 'something more than this' .....either put down the booze, stop whining, and start taking action to move forward with who it is you really want to be and/or silence your ego and recognize you've already undertaken the most important role in leadership you could ever ask for. You're a father.


I was about to say something but I'd better not... lest people will start hating on me, just that sometimes these thoughts I feel when I see my daughter. As much as I love her and made her my promise. Oh well... too late now, might as well go all out...

A part of me stupidly wants my daughter to do what I can not in my position. My people can not follow me because of my decision, but they have no prejudice against mixed blood... my daughter has the potential I simply will never have.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Great, my MIL called, now she's on her daughter's side, sometimes I wonder if I should just kill off the landlines to our house, oh wait... bad idea, the missus will just end up sucking up our finances dry with mobile phone calls.

Hell not much I can do really is there? I'll be on the fence forever, never choosing a side.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You've already chosen.

What you need to do is come to terms with the choice.

The way I see it, who you are is seldom who you think you're supposed to be.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Sometimes you have to just call it for what it is, and either accept it, or walk away.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

I can't understand what you are going through because it doesn't apply to me. But I have to say something.

I don't know where you live, but in the U.S. marriage between different races and cultures is pretty common. Here is something I have always thought. Even though it is hard on the individuals who choose this path, I think it helps society. Over time I think these relationships help us to become more tolerant. 

I understand it would be harder if you felt like your culture and people are dying out. In Rwanda, the women who ended up pregnant after being raped decided to try and end the hatred. They did this by having their rapists apologize to them and the community. These women love their children that are the result of this and wanted to end the hatred so the children wouldn't continue the violence.

You love your wife and your child. Your people's blood flows in her veins. Teach her about your language. Make her your contribution.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I have to make a choice fast, or as you mentioned Deejo, you are right, I just have to come to terms with it... fast! Or at least temporarily just to stop her eating herself up thinking I don't love her. What do I say? What can I say? I can't lie to her, she's on her guard right now and I doubt I can even omit...

Darn it, everything is racing back and forth my head


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

You are creating a false dichotomy by believing that you are betraying your people by loving your wife. You can raise your daughter with a full knowledge of the customs of your people. You can join advocacy groups that promote your culture. You can make sure your daughter has contact with her grandparents so that she knows her heritage. Don't create a lose-lose situation with your wife by feeling that you have to choose between your heritage and her love.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

And to hell with the criticisms of my people yes? Fine...

Still can't forgive myself, but no reason for her to suffer like this yes? Let alone my daughter. If I must betray my principles might as well at least stand up for the principles that I can at least indeed stand for; such as not abandoning my wife and child.

Alright, I'm going to have a word with her about this, once I find the words...


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Of course not. If she criticizes your people, tell her you will not tolerate any disrespect. No one should allow their spouse to criticize their family of origin.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

No, it is my people who criticise (and me), not her. She has always been supportive of my desire for my people to survive. Sometimes it p-sses me off too that her integrity and strength is coming from a foreigner. I have never met a woman of my people like her.

That's what eats me up. If she can just go "F--k you and your people" then yay, problem solved - I'll kick her out and I'm going to court, and no way is she taking my kid. But of course, she would NEVER do that. Instead, she leads by example, and makes me feel like sh-t... like NOW.

Sure she slipped, like with her church, but right now... she's passed the ball on my court. Bah!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

And here I thought I just made it up to her today, I told her my decision, yet it seems she decided to capitalise on my vulnerability and decided to go off at me at how I hesitated to tell her that and then started going on and on about it. We spent a good hour or so going in circles. Eventually my throat was starting to get raw and I lost my temper and patience pinning her against the wall and told her to sh-t the f--k up and listen to me.

I can't really explain what happened next, it just happened. But she kicked me off as soon as she was finished and now I'm sleeping on my sofa bed for another night. Bleh... this sucks
Oh well, look on the bright side... my sofa bed rocks.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

No it doesn't suck to bad, if it did you wouldn't be still be there going around in circles.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

A bit of an update... the missus and I are in our healing stage right now. She's rather hurt and has withdrawn from me. She says she wishes I'm more consistent with my thoughts and stop regretting my decision as it makes her feel unwanted, and that she doesn't want to have to worry about this again.

Meh... looks like I'll be kissing her a$$ for a while.
I don't think we have got to the bottom of this at all. What I need is something that I can use to tell myself that I have indeed 110% made the right decision and one thing she doesn't seem to be able to accept is that this problem ISN'T HERS.

But no way am I going to open this up with her again.

EDIT: Also reminds me really, of my experience with women from my own ethnic... there were two types.
The first had no idea about our ethnic, and did not care. I could not be attracted to them. The second however, were as proud as I am, but proud enough that they would not migrate and saw even getting involved with me a bad move as even though we're the same people I was born overseas.

The second I also had a habit of putting them on pedestals. I just get so happy and excited and dreamy to meet a kindred soul due to the rarity. But in the process, most probably scared them off!

And so I ended up with a foreign woman, who I didn't put on a pedestal, but who probably wishes that I do instead of being an a$$ all the time and taking the p-ss outta her. However, I must admit, I can speak more freely and openly with my wife then others of my ethnic, except for this issue of course.

Meh... it's weird.


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