# Am I doomed?



## LotusMRP (Dec 20, 2021)

I have been with my partner for 7 years and we have had one child together. I meet him when i just finished college young and ready to conquer the world. But somehow he convinced me to stay home and be a house wife for the last 5 years. Anyway, I was diagnosed with depression 4 years into the relationship(i have no history of this) I always wanted to pursue my career but he made me feel guilty because he has a more successful career than mine and he would tell me i don't need to work.

Less than 9 months ago, I discovered he was having a full affair with a colleague younger than me. I went digging and i later found out he had dated her for almost a year and even meet her parents. This completely broke me, I went into severe depression, I was hopeless. I couldn't leave as I have no family, I lost both my parents and siblings.I felt trapped! And all he said I give you everything what more do you want? He pretended to be remorseful at one point and suggested therapy. I felt this was a huge mistake at the same time as progress, he revealed more and more dark secrets that left me numb. He revealed he was sleeping with 7 different women including prostitutes. At this point I was seeing my therapist, she would ask me to first get over my pain and depression before making any decisions. After a couple of sessions, I started feeling like myself again but at this point I was disgusted by my partners behavior. I refused to have sex with him and he would taunt me by say you think by withholding sex it's going to destroy me? And I was willing to reason with him and make him understand it will take time for me to adjust in this new situation but he didn't listen. He never put in the work from therapy. He would say therapy is for weak people, he would call me pycho for continuing with therapy. He would come and say why are you not happy? I have tried to do everything, I make sure this house doesn't lack. I have tried to initiate sex and you recoil. At this point, I wanted to be comforted, to be loved, to be heard but he didn't do any of these.

Now, I just found out he has been having an affair with a mutual friend of ours who happen to work with him. She's a married woman with 2 kids and she and my partner have been having a relationship while hiding from other colleagues. I confronted her and she told me to ask my partner and he would tell me everything. But when I asked him he denies he has had an affair with her and says he has been sleeping with other women, and when I ask who are these other women he refuses to mention and threatens to beat me up because am reaching too far. He got so upset when i told him i will let lady's husband know everything which I have proof and he threatened to beat because am provoking him. He has told me he feels sorry for me that am paranoid and idle that why i am making things up. He told me he wants no relationship with me and will only support my child and i until I find a job.This comes 4 months before our relocation to another country for a position he was offered. He told me he wants us to live as friends with no expectations who are raising this child in a two parent home. I am already alone in this country we are in with a few friends who are not supportive, now moving to a whole new country under this idea makes me extremely anxious and sick. I have been looking for entry jobs everywhere but I haven't been lucky. I am emotional and mentally drained and I am scared of emotionally being unavailable for my child. On the other hand, he is going on with his same routine like nothing has happened, but anytime i talk he threatens me. Unfortunately, there are no laws to protect domestic partnerships here, so no body would listen. I don't know what to do at this point.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

You are in an abusive marriage. He's got you isolated, beaten down career-wise so that you're dependent on him, and is emotionally/mentally taunting you with all the instant gratification pleasures he can seemingly get at anytime as well as the loyalty and respect he never had for you. If anything, you should feel sorry for him that he's so reliant on those to feel superior to you.

But Miss, you are one trigger away from this turning into a tragedy. He's already been threatening physical abuse to keep you in line. If there are no laws _at all_ about this stuff, then this is one of the few times that I suggest you start planning to run. When you go out to buy things, make sure to get cash back. In minimal amounts so that it's inconspicuous. Don't store it away in a bank but somewhere he'd never bother to look physically. Start making new friends, your own friends; people that are not connected to him and actually _do _support you. Do you still talk to your therapist? How trustworthy is she?

Second, don't bother talking to him unless it's about necessities or the child. He's a lost cause. This is going to suck, but play his game a bit to keep building your escape plan. Live like you're separated. Read up on the 180 and gray rock. Take care of only yourself and your child. Start taking back some power by doing things you wanted to before meeting him. Keep searching for jobs and maybe even expand the search beyond local areas. Keep working to get a footing in your career again.

You need to play the long game for now. Your child will be growing up with this as an example of what a home and relationship would look like. Do you want that? If not for yourself, find a better life for your kid.

Lastly, don't move with him, whatever you do. Or your fate really will be sealed. Keep any evidence you have of his cheating. Maybe it won't mean anything to anyone else, but it will remind you what kind of trashbag your husband is if you find yourself wavering.

Good luck.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

The above poster is right. 

I will also add, get some foolproof birth control, if you haven’t already. Don’t tell him about this. 

He doesn’t want to divorce you, he wants to keep you around. And abusive men will do what they can to keep you around, including getting you pregnant. Because let’s face it, he hasn’t divorced you, or told you he doesn’t want you relocating with him.

You have been and are in a seriously dangerous s situation. You were the perfect victim, you have no family. Nobody to protect you. And no other woman will stay. I suspect his sexual partners are all ‘safe’ partners for him. So they too are victims. They’re married women or probably vulnerable women too. And by having affairs with friends in your circle, he holds so much more control. You literally cannot trust or rely on anybody. 

But these women are not your problem, so it’s important that you don’t get dragged into the triangulation. Meaning don’t think about these women, don’t contact these women, don’t ask about these women. You must show absolute indifference, disinterest. From now on, you don’t do this anymore. He may notice this, and later engage the women to attack you or try to contact you. Don’t go there. It’s part of the plan to weaken you further. This is for your mental health, as well as a step towards strengthening yourself. Quietly and sweetly agree with everything he says. Even when he calls you psycho and weak.

He wants you around. I know this. He has threatened violence and he hasn’t abandoned you during this big move, and he’s dictated the terms. Two friends, two parents under one roof. There are laws to protect you though, there really are. Have you quietly looked into a refuge? There are some amazing places where women can go, secret places where police and other services can meet with you. Look into this. In our country we have a place behind a baby change room in a shopping centre! If you have a chance, right before he moves. You RUN for help. 

But as the above poster mentioned you need a slow plan out. There will be good times too. Oh there will be, and you may reconsider. But remember, even an abuser will have periods where he will be weak. Illness, job losses, other losses. So you very quietly strengthen yourself in the meantime, and strike during one of these weak periods of his. 

Most importantly, as dishonest as this may sound, when you initially have periods of strength and clarity, be very secretive about your mental health and growing confidence. Don’t reveal too much about any therapy that is benefiting you. Because the last thing you need is for him to stop you getting help here. In abusive situations, partners can stop you taking medication that helps you, or make it difficult for you to attend appointments. 

I am very sorry for the loss you have suffered in your marriage, and how utterly unsafe and helpless you must feel. It must be awful to live this way. But you are stronger than you think.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

She isn’t married. There is nothing she can do.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Stay where you are. Do not move from the country you are in unless the next one has better rights for you. Start your career.

Talk with a lawyer about your situation and see it you have any recourse. 

A stay at home mom needs to be married. That is the only way to insure protection in this type of situation.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

You asked if you are doomed.

You are doomed only if you stay in this abusive relationship. 

I get it, it's not easy to break free and you'll need to do it in baby steps.

As you slowly take steps and actions to make leaving a reality, your confidence will grow as it will give you hope, momentum will slowly build towards this happening.

You have more strength than you realize and just keep telling yourself, you're doing this for your child as remaining in a relationship like this will hurt your child.

Good luck and take care.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

ABHale said:


> She isn’t married. There is nothing she can do.


You’re right, I missed that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Which country does he want to move to @LotusMRP?


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

All good advice here. All I would add is if you get out, make sure you get the help needed to figure out why you got with a person like this, otherwise you are doomed to pick the same type person again.

Best of luck


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Has he already hurt you before? What kind of parent is he?


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Oh my God. I am so sorry, OP. You don't deserve this. 

Since you aren't married, is it possible for you to buy a plane ticket for yourself and your child and get back to your parents? Your family or friends? You need to get away from him, and you need to do it now. I'm scared for your safety and that of your child. It sounds like he could fly off the handle at any moment.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@LotusMRP,

I'm sorry that you are dealing with all this. It's terrible.

You clearly need to get a support system to help you. Going by the flag on your account, I'm assuming you are in Kenya. There are organizations in Kenya that help women in situations like yours. I'm posting a link here to one resource. Your counselor might also know of organizations near you that could help you. KENYA.pdf (naasca.org)

If you are not in Kenya, you could do a search for an organization near where you live.

You might also benefit from finding a support group for women who are in a similar situation. These groups usually meet once every week or two. Years ago, when I let an abusive man who was cheating, I did join a support group at an organization that gives support to abused women. The group really helped me. In addition, I met a woman there who was also going through something similar. We hit it off as friends and gave each other a lot of support and help outside of the group. Eventually we became good friends as did our children as well. It's been over 20 years since we met at that support group and we are still very close friends, still helping each other when needed. 

Building a support system is a good place to start getting out of this horrible situation you have found yourself in.


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## LotusMRP (Dec 20, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> @LotusMRP,
> 
> I'm sorry that you are dealing with all this. It's terrible.
> 
> ...


Dear EleGirl,
The support system here in regards to the organizations are useless. I have tried a couple of them but did not work out for me. I am trying to build a support system of my own as I only knew his people.


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## LotusMRP (Dec 20, 2021)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Oh my God. I am so sorry, OP. You don't deserve this.
> 
> Since you aren't married, is it possible for you to buy a plane ticket for yourself and your child and get back to your parents? Your family or friends? You need to get away from him, and you need to do it now. I'm scared for your safety and that of your child. It sounds like he could fly off the handle at any moment.


Dear Laterilus,
Thanks for the message. My parents died when I was very young and most of my extended family are also deceased. However, I have considered this option many times.


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## LotusMRP (Dec 20, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> Has he already hurt you before? What kind of parent is he?


He has not hurt me yet, but has pushed me. He put ups a playful dad face when his with our child


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## LotusMRP (Dec 20, 2021)

Al_Bundy said:


> All good advice here. All I would add is if you get out, make sure you get the help needed to figure out why you got with a person like this, otherwise you are doomed to pick the same type person again.
> 
> Best of luck


Thanks Al Bundy,
I am seeing a therapist and working on me.


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## LotusMRP (Dec 20, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> Which country does he want to move to @LotusMRP?


Dear Mattmatt,
He has been offered a job in the USA.


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## LotusMRP (Dec 20, 2021)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> You asked if you are doomed.
> 
> You are doomed only if you stay in this abusive relationship.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advise. I am really exploring my options to leave this situation.


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## LotusMRP (Dec 20, 2021)

ABHale said:


> Stay where you are. Do not move from the country you are in unless the next one has better rights for you. Start your career.
> 
> Talk with a lawyer about your situation and see it you have any recourse.
> 
> A stay at home mom needs to be married. That is the only way to insure protection in this type of situation.


Dear ABHale,
The job is in the USA. He always gave an excuse why he thinks marriage is a scam. But I should have taken that as a red flag. I am yet to speak to a lawyer.


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## LotusMRP (Dec 20, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> The above poster is right.
> 
> I will also add, get some foolproof birth control, if you haven’t already. Don’t tell him about this.
> 
> ...


Dear LuckyLucky,
We are not married, hence the law isn't going to protect me here. We don't have sex at all, since after our first child i went full proof.He doesn’t know. You are right, despite not being married he still is making plans of the relocation so he can continue the same pattern there. At this point, he hasn't yet put his hands on me but has threatened me that he is physically stronger than me and he can hurt me. I am a confrontational person and when I find evidence I would show it to him and question him. But this tactic may land me into problems so I stopped. I am now aware he is an abuser, i never wanted to look at it like that but now I need to equip myself to deal with an abusive person.


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## LotusMRP (Dec 20, 2021)

Spoons027 said:


> You are in an abusive marriage. He's got you isolated, beaten down career-wise so that you're dependent on him, and is emotionally/mentally taunting you with all the instant gratification pleasures he can seemingly get at anytime as well as the loyalty and respect he never had for you. If anything, you should feel sorry for him that he's so reliant on those to feel superior to you.
> 
> But Miss, you are one trigger away from this turning into a tragedy. He's already been threatening physical abuse to keep you in line. If there are no laws _at all_ about this stuff, then this is one of the few times that I suggest you start planning to run. When you go out to buy things, make sure to get cash back. In minimal amounts so that it's inconspicuous. Don't store it away in a bank but somewhere he'd never bother to look physically. Start making new friends, your own friends; people that are not connected to him and actually _do _support you. Do you still talk to your therapist? How trustworthy is she?
> 
> ...


Dear Spoons027,
Thanks for your message. All these years, I was hopeful about the relationship thinking he would change and be a better person. But reality hit me and anxious, confused, scared and don't know where to start. He beat me down in everything and recovering from it seems impossible. I don't have a stable support system, I struggle everyday with my decisions that I made. I trust my therapist and i don't think she can reveal any information to him despite him being a big wig in the healthcare industry. She has been very supportive. My only worry is I can't trust anyone else in the medical industry because he is seen as a god in the industry and does no wrong. I started putting some cash aside without him knowing, but not enough to certain my child and I if I was start over.

I read about the 180 and gray rock, i don't think this would work on him. He's very blank, if he does something wrong he wouldn't apologise for it until you bring it up or he acts like he doesn't care about anything. And he's not very vocal about things. I don't know how to apply this.

I definitely do not want my child to grown up thinking this is normal and it ok, I just need some courage, strength and solid plan and I would be on my way but he will not let this happen. So like you said play his game. 
I spoke to a lawyer, the lawyer thinks moving with him will be an option. Since the the US has some rights to protect my child and I. I don't know much about the US law for expatriates.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

LotusMRP said:


> Dear Mattmatt,
> He has been offered a job in the USA.


Moving to the USA might be a good opportunity for you.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

I’m willing to bet he targeted you from the beginning. Here’s a bright and fresh soul in the real world that he could crush and mold to his liking. Sickening how they plan this out in their heads.

Glad to hear about your therapist. From a what you say about the medical industry, does he work around patients? That’s concerning.

Keep building up that cash stash as long as you can. And keep trying for jobs, especially ones that revolve around your career. Like I said before, try to apply outside of local areas if you have to.



LotusMRP said:


> I read about the 180 and gray rock, i don't think this would work on him. He's very blank, if he does something wrong he wouldn't apologise for it until you bring it up or he acts like he doesn't care about anything. And he's not very vocal about things. I don't know how to apply this.


Ah, Miss, sorry for not making it clear. True, the 180 and gray rock were originally designed to gain some kind of reaction from the cheater; but I suggest solely applying this to help you gain emotional and mental strength. To build yourself outside of his radar.

In fact, it would be a good thing that you get no reaction from him, it would mean you’re either playing his game well or he’s watching you. Be careful of the latter, however.









The Pretzel Logic of the 180 - ChumpLady.com


If you’ve spent any time reading the reconciliation literature, you’ll notice a lot of reference to the “180.” She won’t stop seeing her affair partner? “Do the 180!” He still works with his ho-worker? “Do the 180!” What is this powerful 180? It was a concept developed by Michelle Weiner-Davis...




www.chumplady.com




Here’s an article of what I’m trying to get at (I actually do recommend reading Chumplady’s stuff in general; she is purely dedicated to “leaving a cheater and gaining a life” - her actual motto; really helpful stuff).



LotusMRP said:


> I spoke to a lawyer, the lawyer thinks moving with him will be an option. Since the the US has some rights to protect my child and I. I don't know much about the US law for expatriates.


That would also depend on which part of the US you’re moving to. Most of the states are no-fault, but the at-fault states do factor in infidelity. However, you’ll need proof.

The justice system and judges are a different story though. You’ll need to do some more research on where you’re moving to. Their laws on divorce and what you’re entitled to.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LotusMRP said:


> Dear ABHale,
> The job is in the USA. He always gave an excuse why he thinks marriage is a scam. But I should have taken that as a red flag. I am yet to speak to a lawyer.


 If he takes the job in the USA, how soon would you all leave? You and your child would go with him, right?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LotusMRP said:


> I definitely do not want my child to grown up thinking this is normal and it ok, I just need some courage, strength and solid plan and I would be on my way but he will not let this happen. So like you said play his game.
> I spoke to a lawyer, the lawyer thinks moving with him will be an option. Since the the US has some rights to protect my child and I. *I don't know much about the US law for expatriates.*


It sounds like you are a US citizen living in another country. Is that correct? Do you have a US passport?

Under US law, you are a US citizen no matter how long you live in another country.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

The divorce laws are not applicable, since you aren’t married, so obviously that’s not an option. I think I would maintain status quo and not enrage him. If you aren’t expected to have a sexual relationship, and just raise your child together, I think this is a good option for the time being. You can find some great opportunities for work here since there seems to be a huge labor shortage everywhere. Get a job, save money, and then leave him.

Will he “allow” you to find a job when you’re here and keep your own money? If not, this is yet another form of abuse, and you’ll have to look into women’s shelters when you arrive. They can help you figure out your situation and how to leave, and can potentially provide you a place to live for a short time until you get enough money to live on your own. I know there are so many shortages in housing so I’m not sure how long it would take in the state you move to, but at least you would know your options. 

When you move here and get settled, consult a lawyer. There are resources through the court system in most places for free law consultations and limited services for those who cannot afford it.

My last idea would be to tell him you are going to meet him here a few days after he leaves for the US, and then just move somewhere else. Maybe you have family or friends somewhere else that can help you? 

Good luck.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> It sounds like you are a US citizen living in another country. Is that correct? Do you have a US passport?
> 
> Under US law, you are a US citizen no matter how long you live in another country.


If you are a US citizen living in Kenya, the US Embassy is here Homepage


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> If you are a US citizen living in Kenya, the US Embassy is here Homepage


Man, you are good! I'm impressed.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Man, you are good! I'm impressed.


What I do for a living.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

I think she was referring to being an expatriate in the US… not being a US citizen.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

QuietRiot said:


> I think she was referring to being an expatriate in the US… not being a US citizen.


If that's what @LotusMRP meant, then she'll be ok in the US. When it comes to the type of help she needs she will be able to get it with no problem.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Luckylucky said:


> The above poster is right.
> 
> I will also add, get some foolproof birth control, if you haven’t already. Don’t tell him about this.
> 
> He doesn’t want to divorce you, he wants to keep you around. And abusive men will do what they can to keep you around, including getting you pregnant.


When I pointed out this little fact of life a few days ago, people lost their minds and acted like I had just said aliens had landed and were conspiring with Bigfoot. 

But yes, it is a thing. This kind of guy will intentionally get women pregnant to keep them even more dependent on them.


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## Resu (May 26, 2015)

Not minimising this at all. I hope you can access what you need where you are.
Might Mel Robins on YouTube be any use in the meantime? ( Maybe not the most relevant clip but she did work with domestic abuse survivors for four years albeit probably in the US. She might have something. )


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> When I pointed out this little fact of life a few days ago, people lost their minds and acted like I had just said aliens had landed and were conspiring with Bigfoot.
> 
> But yes, it is a thing. This kind of guy will intentionally get women pregnant to keep them even more dependent on them.


I missed that one. It happens a lot to isolated women, particularly when abuse is at its peak and the woman starts calling him out and also showing signs of wanting to leave.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Luckylucky said:


> I missed that one. It happens a lot to isolated women, particularly when abuse is at its peak and the woman starts calling him out and also showing signs of wanting to leave.


Truth


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