# How do I deal with this?



## tgwill (Jun 25, 2009)

About 3 months ago, I found out my wife was "Talking" to another guy. She met him while she was training for a new job. He's the kind of guy who every other guy hates, but women love. She went as far as telling friends and family members that we "took a break". We've been married almost 3 years, have a one year old son. 

Long story short, it got out of hand, some of the emails she sent to him were steamy. She says nothing happened physically, and I believe her, and she tells me he's only a friend (and that is all he ever was, HA!) But whatever, I am trying to forgive this Emotional Cheating and move on. 

Here's where I need help. After I found out, I assumed (I'm naive) that she would cut off contact to him. I have asked several times, but they still keep talking. I have asked her to stop, and I have even gone as far as sending him a message to do the same. Needless to say, she hasn't. 

It's time for this to end , I am sick and tired of feeling insignificant to this jerk. But I do not know a good way of going about it. She knows that I have been looking at her call logs, and she gets very upset when I bring that up. I don't want to start a fight, but at the same time, I think I may have been far to relaxed about this whole thing. What do I do?


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Start a fight. You have called her on the behavior, and she disregards your feelings. You not wanting to start a fight is giving her the green light to run right over you. If you did not have hard proof that they were at the very least having an EA and still in contact, I would say to just hang back and wait, but you KNOW what is going on. Stand up for yourself, otherwise she is just going to continue with her behavior, and so is he.


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## tgwill (Jun 25, 2009)

I've got a couple of things playing through my head, and I don't think either of these have a good outcome. 

1 - I know where he works, I am thinking about confronting him (Not A physical confrontation) but face to face.

2 - Kicking her out. 

3 - Starting a fight, though she would probably walk out. She always turns it around to me. 

4 - Doing nothing and see where it goes. 

I don't know anymore. We weren't so much having problems, as we we're just in a rut (New parents and all). But I feel like this has created something more. I still love her, but I'm not sure I can be in love with her again. There's hope, but her actions are taking that away. I'm not a confrontational person, I don't like to fight. I really don't want to do anything that will mean losing my son.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

If he is 'only a friend' does she send similar emails to her girlfriends? Did she admit that the content of the emails was inappropriate?

My thought is that if she truely respects your marriage and your feelings, she would let this friend go. The friendship crossed the line when she hit 'send' and losing that friend is the price she ends up paying because of it. 

You can't 'make' her do anything, but you can say 'Since you've crossed the line with this friend, he needs to be out of the picture because I am totally uncomfortable with you having a friendship with him in light of the emails.' If she cares more about this casual friend than your feelings, she should realize that something in your marriage is 'broken.'


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## tgwill (Jun 25, 2009)

I think I am going to wait until I have this months phone bill, then I'll confront her. I'd like to have some solid proof that this is still going on.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Separate bank accounts and cancel any other joint accounts. Do not chase her. She has lost respect for you. You can't have love without respect. TJwill, it is time to man up. You need to get up in her grill on this. Tell her family and friends that she is carrying on an emotional affair. If she doesn't stop. Kick her a$$ out. If you don't respect yourself, she won't. Stay strong.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I agree! 

She MUST stop all communications with this guy. 

If she doesn't/won't...tell her you're filing for divorce! FORCE her to confront the (potential) results of her actions! 

If she won't stop, she doesn't care about you..and maybe you should file. If she won't stop, STRONGLY suggest a separation (that will lead to divorce)!! 

Make her see the consequences of her actions. If necessary, follow through. Has she done this before marriage? 

If not, why now? What's missing in your relationship?


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## tgwill (Jun 25, 2009)

She has told me that she is still talking to him, though she claims he is contacting her first. Seemingly it's regarding her helping him get back with his EX, I call BS. I can see what he is doing. 

I am waiting for our phone bill to arrive. Then I can see how many text messages and calls have gone on exactly. I need something to throw in her face. 

She has not done this before, to my knowledge. The reason's, as she tells me, are that I don't listen (You need to talk to me first), we do the same thing every day (We have a one year old) and that she feels like she is just a Mom and a wife. Sounds selfish to me, but those were her reasons. I have been considering moving on since this.


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## ShuffleUp (Jun 5, 2009)

Exact same thing happened to me and I told her she needed to pick, that the double life was not OK. I continued to escalate the firmness in my expectations to the point where I changed the locks on the house and told her my daughter and I were OK with whatever she decides but that we are moving on without her and that in no way would she be able to take my daughter around this affair. Since then, she has been home and is in withdrawal from this affair but she has made a committment. It could have gone the other way though so try this only if you are to the point where you are damn near indifferent as to her decisions' impact on your happiness. I was there. If you aren't, then I guess you have to put up with what you are putting up with. 

All is not well yet but it is getting better each day and she has had no more contact. The changing the locks thing was symbolic. It cost me $100 but drew a line that made it more real for her. 

My wife decided to change her email address and cell phone number. If your wife won't do this, she wants him to keep calling. Even if he starts it, she could always not pick up the phone. That is not a valid excuse. 

I think you and I share something in common besides our wives doing this: we are accomodating people / high on 'agreeableness.' Well - we have to get out of our comfort zone to solve this one.


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## ShuffleUp (Jun 5, 2009)

tgwill said:


> I am waiting for our phone bill to arrive. Then I can see how many text messages and calls have gone on exactly. I need something to throw in her face.


In my opinion, you already have enough. If there are 7 texts or 700 it doesn't change your course of action. Delaying this makes it OK for her.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

:iagree: With shuffleup!


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## tgwill (Jun 25, 2009)

I am waiting for the phone bill, simply for the fact that I want to have something physical to show her. 

She had been sending messages back and forth on facebook, I brought this up, but didn't show her, she played it off as a friendship. It wasn't until I showed them to her that I got a reaction. I demand a reaction to this. She needs to show me the remorse. 

The other part is, she has told me I have issue's, because I am checking up on her. Damn right I have issue's. I don't want this turning around on me. I'll admit that I shouldn't be checking up on her, but she needs to admit she is in the wrong also. 

ShuffleUp - I thank you for your input. When I originally found out about this, after the anger had subsided (In an hour or two), I understood that I had not helped stop this. However, I assumed it would be completely over, alas, here I am.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

This is going to be a long process for you either way. You will be a different person one way or the other from this time on. Dont let her disrespect your feelings.

You are in no way responsible for her decision to start a new relationship with someone else instead of working out the problems she has with you. Everyone goes thru tough times when there is a kid and once single people start to settle down, but that is exactly what getting married and having children mean.

TAke her out to dinner and a movie, have fun however you did when you got together. Get back into your life. Give her a reason to believe it can work with you.

If she refuses to try dont prolong the inevitable.


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