# Hoping this can be saved



## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

Sorry if this post will run long, but i am out of answers on my own. I have read this board for awhile and think the input with the posters is great do just want to get my issue out there.

I want to start off with saying i love my wife dearly and open for any help, but if the marriage in the bedroom does not improve i fear the worst. Been married for 3 years and dated for 6 before that. Most of our marraige is great i would say. We both are in our 30's (I am 3 years older), have good jobs, strong family and friends, a great relationship with her daugther (17) that i treat as my own. No one is perfect, but i think i do my best with chores in and out the house, school functions needing to be atteneded to for her daughter etc...I always do the little things, like if she is thirsty i get her a drink in the middle of the night, always take the dogs out all hours, or if she is laying on the couch and her feer her cold i will get her socks etc...she tells me all the time i am good to her. 

The sticking point is the bedroom. The first 4-5 years our sex life was great, anytime and anyplace. My friends would always tell me how lucky i was. But before we got married i noticed a change. She stopped initiating and only would if she was buzzed. I even got turned down at times for various reasons. I know some of it was as her daugher got older in HS years its hard to go at it as she is aware of what is going on. But the weekdends she is at her Dad's nothing still. I tried reeading up on things to do and nothing worked. She has toys that she likes and i always and good have them worked in the sex. She acknowledges that we dont have sex and promises to chnage it but nothing.  I have stopped trying to see what will happen and that just leaves me frustrated and feeling alone. We both dont look like we do when we dated and gained weight but i still find her attractive and tell her all the time. I have bought sexy outfits or even yoga pants saying i love to sse you in anything. I have worked on it and am not really that heavy but still lost 25lbs where she has not even tried. Again i dont care. 

The other thing is she is addicted to her Kindle and kinky novels. She reads all hours of the day and night. I say lets do whats in the book and she just changes the subject. I recently saw during a cleaning session a new vibrator. She doesn't know i have seen it so i place it off a bit to tell if she is using it. Well it seems that thing is getting a work out daily. I dont get it as i always have been open using it. Like i said you wouldnt know there is any issues as everything else is good and she tells me she loves me and is sorry for lack of sex but i get home and its reading some novel and off to bed leaving me alone at night.

Sorry for the ramble but I love my wife, but i cant go like this with total lack of sex. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Eagle3 said:


> Sorry if this post will run long, but i am out of answers on my own. I have read this board for awhile and think the input with the posters is great do just want to get my issue out there.
> 
> I want to start off with saying i love my wife dearly and open for any help, but if the marriage in the bedroom does not improve i fear the worst. Been married for 3 years and dated for 6 before that. Most of our marraige is great i would say. We both are in our 30's (I am 3 years older), have good jobs, strong family and friends, a great relationship with her daugther (17) that i treat as my own. No one is perfect, but i think i do my best with chores in and out the house, school functions needing to be atteneded to for her daughter etc...I always do the little things, like if she is thirsty i get her a drink in the middle of the night, always take the dogs out all hours, or if she is laying on the couch and her feer her cold i will get her socks etc...she tells me all the time i am good to her.
> 
> ...


If there are no consequences for her behavior it will not change
You need to let her know how much this has hurt you
If she doesn't change after letting her know then it's time to make a change for the better
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

You've been replaced by an E book.

She's not interested in having sex with you.

That's probably not going to change. 

Can you live like this for the rest of your life?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

What to do. First. Stop being her personal slave. Let her rub her own feet. Next time the dogs want out in the middle of the night, nudge her in the ribs and tel her that it's her turn. If she's thirsty and it's the middle of the night, she's got two legs and two arms, let her get her own drink of water. 

When she gets on her Kindle and starts reading her smut, jump on the computer and go to "Woo woo.com" or what ever porn site that you fancy. Then the kicker.

Tell her that if she's so hell bent on her dildo, then she can jab herself silly but do it at her new home because your sick of being left out in the cold.

Stop being the nice guy, open your mouth and let her know that your not happy. If she won't budge then file and find another woman who can make you happy but for God sake stop being her slave. Truth be told, she'll probably only throw you pity sex. 

Do like a friend of mine did. He got tired of her hiding her toys, taking care of herself and leaving him sexless, so he found the toy and split open a couple of Jalapeno peppers, rubbed it on her vibrator or toy whatever it was and it didn't take him long to find out if she was using it.


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

Lenzi, sad to say yes it feels like I have been replaced by an E book and I don't think I can live much longer with that. 

6301, I have to admit your story about your friend with the peppers did make me laugh, I needed that. I know I come across as a slave and don't mean too. its just my nature to do things for people. Also I feel like my situation is not as bad as some others on here, yes the lack of sex is a HUGE deal for me, but in other ways the marriage is pretty good for the most part. I just hate feeling like a roommate more than a husband.
Thanks for the advice sometimes its good to hear from people giving it to you straight.


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

Eagle3 said:


> *I know I come across as a slave and don't mean too. its just my nature to do things for people.* Also I feel like my situation is not as bad as some others on here, yes the lack of sex is a HUGE deal for me, but in other ways the marriage is pretty good for the most part. *I just hate feeling like a roommate more than a husband.*


Time for your own e-book, buddy. Download this PDF:

_No More Mr Nice Guy_

Don't let the title put you off, it's not advocating you not being nice (i.e. not being kind or considerate). More appropriately, it would have been named, "No More Doormat." I guess that wasn't as catchy, marketing-wise. 

No More Mr. Nice Guy. Learn it, live it, love it.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Do you think you might be able to print off what you have written here and have her read it? 

Not knowing your wife - I would guess the vibrator and the mommy porn are easy. There is some reason the marital bed has become treacherous to her and not easy like the vibrator and the literary erotica. She may not know the reason herself. To generalize, women can be very complicated on issues of sex.


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

My husband and I have been married for 19 yrs now. From the very beginning of our marriage, I begged, pleaded, explained, wrote out, spelled out, talked out, the things that he could do to sexually to turn me on. He looked down on a great many of them, and just refused to do the others. I started sinking into a numb state of being...filling my time during the day with hobbies and filling my evening hours reading smut books to fulfill my need for some kind of sexual intimacy. Now, mind you...we were still having sex. But it was rub a boob, okay...let's go, kinda sex. As much as I desired sex, even that started to get old.

Fast forward some years down the road, he was also feeling put off and distant. Because I wasn't getting the intimacy I needed from him, I stopped caring as much if I spent time with him or not. That was a big problem, that finally reared it's ugly head. He had an emotional affair that lead to a physical encounter. 

That woke both of us up. It's been a little over two years now, and we are more intimate, emotionally and physically, than we have ever been, and we are still working daily on improvements.

Now, my situation might not even relate to your problem at all...but what can be compared is, there is something she is not telling you, or there is something she has told you, but she hasn't figured out how to explain it in a way you can relate to it. Our lack of communication turned my husband and I into people that we did not recognize, a cold fish for a wife and a cheater for a husband. 

This is no small deal...push her to open up about this...and if she won't, make her understand that you are not waiting around for this lack of intimacy and love to turn you into someone you don't recognize in the mirror. You deserve honesty and action from your spouse.


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## sparzokm (Dec 5, 2013)

That's probably not going to change.


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

Just wanted to say thanks for the feedback from you guys. It def helps to hear from people in the same boat and have experience. I def think i need to find out more deeper the issue or the cause. I have tried to have a conversation before and thought it would help but she quickly admitted yes she realized there was a lack of intimacy and apologies for it. She even said she just got in a lull with herself and us and time goes by you dont know. She said it was good to hear and will change and that changed for like 2 weeks than right back into the same thing. Per the advice i got here i will try to keep at trying to get at the cause instead of just saying it will change.

Something to add that confuses me. We have a mutual friend that we both had before we dated that has told me things that were confusing to hear. My wife and her went out couple of weeks ago and she confided in her that she knows she has put me off and appreciates she has me that wants her and gives her attention. Wife told her she will have her mind made up to have a intimate night with me when i get home from work, but finds her self grabbing the vibrator for a session and is done for the night. I just dont get it.
Thanks again for the advice.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Eagle3 said:


> Wife told her she will have her mind made up to have a intimate night with me when i get home from work, but finds her self grabbing the vibrator for a session and is done for the night. I just dont get it.
> Thanks again for the advice.


Because that is the easier, safer route. She is clearly still sexual, but does not want sex with you. I know that must be a hurtful thing to recognize, but that is the truth.

I suspect she is content, though perhaps not happy, in her life. Things on the surface are good, and but she is not happy with your relationship. She may not even know why. But she does not want to upset things. Your treatment of her is very likely keeping things this way. Your great to her, so there is less reason to really examine things. By doing all those wonderful things, you are communicating that everything is just fine and that you want things to continue as they have.

You need to align your actions with your words. Tell her you don't like where your relationship is. If she agrees, but does nothing about it, tell her again and stop doing all the nice things. Make clear both with your words and your actions that you are not happy. You don't have to be nasty or rude, but you need to make clear that is she is not willing to work on this, you won't be working to meet her needs.

I second reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. I would also suggest the Married Man's Sex Life for some things that may help you.


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