# What to do



## •••• (Feb 13, 2018)

We got married at 18 under religious pressure. Waited for marriage to have sex. The sex was always terrible. It’s my fault - I’m not sexually attracted to my wife. She tried various things including swinging (bringing in randoms to spice up the sex). I hated it. It stopped being a group activity but I think she continued doing it without me. 

She never wanted to do marriage counseling because she thinks it’s BS. 

She moved out last year. Has a high-powered career and is thinking about moving several states away. Also has a boyfriend. 

I stayed here with our 3 kids. I’m basically a solo dad. At the very least I’m the primary parent. 

In this time I became very close to a male friend. Im pretty sure I’m gay. We (male friend & I) have decided to wait a year after we have both been divorced before considering a romantic relationship.

I asked her to get divorced this month. At first she agreed. We got the agreement all written out and everything. 

Then she changed her mind and said she wants to try to fix the marriage. I told her I think I’m gay. She said her boyfriend would be open to a 3-way relationship with me. I don’t want a 3-way relationship. She thinks it will be different if I’m “out”. Maybe it would be but I still don’t want that. 

But I also don’t want to be the one who destroyed the family. (Not that we’re currently much of a family anyways... she’s hardly ever here). 

I don’t want to file for divorce if she wants to work on it. That just seems wrong. 

We have totally different aspirations in life and enjoy different activities. I regard her kind of like a childhood friend that I used to be close with and will always care about but no longer have anything in common with (and I don’t want to screw). We do get along alright... don’t have heated arguments really.

I guess I’m hoping you can give me advice in general. I thought we had agreed to get divorced and that was going to be that. Ugh


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

it doesn't sound like she much of a mother, and since she already has a boyfriend she is in no hurry to get divorce because i suspect she would have to pay child support and perhaps even alimony depending on your personal situation...she is trying to fix this marriage not because she loves you but she is trying to protect her income.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

••••;19066458 said:


> We got married at 18 under religious pressure. Waited for marriage to have sex. The sex was always terrible. It’s my fault - I’m not sexually attracted to my wife. She tried various things including swinging (bringing in randoms to spice up the sex). I hated it. It stopped being a group activity but I think she continued doing it without me.
> 
> She never wanted to do marriage counseling because she thinks it’s BS.
> 
> ...


divorce would probably be the most logical route, but if you want to stay married, you might consider polyamory. other than that, nobody can really give you advice. staying married to her _can_ work, but only if you two are willing to work with each other and give each other the freedom to be who you are at the same time. it certainly would not be a typical traditional marriage. 

your in a tough situation. divorce would certainly be the simpler solution...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*It only takes one to flle for a divorce! You don't really need her permission to do so!

Get yourself to good family law attorney and file immediately!*


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I think I was misread, but that usually means I mistyped. I will just leave the last of what I had written.



If you are really only gay, and want a gay boyfriend, and don't want any sex with your wife in the picture, then I can't see how continuing to stay married is of any value.



Good luck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

•••• said:


> We got married at 18 under religious pressure. Waited for marriage to have sex. The sex was always terrible. It’s my fault - I’m not sexually attracted to my wife. She tried various things including swinging (bringing in randoms to spice up the sex). I hated it. It stopped being a group activity but I think she continued doing it without me.
> 
> She never wanted to do marriage counseling because she thinks it’s BS.
> 
> ...



The very foundation of your marriage has never existed. You have no sexual interest in your wife. Do her a favor and divorce her. That way both of you can get on with your life.

The idea that someone had here that your wife would need to take your boyfriend as her boyfriend too is appalling. It seems to me that your wife should be able to pick a man who is attracted to her sexually and how actually likes women sexually.

You don't want to be the one who breaks up your family? That's a passive aggressive attitude. You want your wife to be the "bad guy" so you can some day say that she broke up the family. But the fact is that both of you broke up the family.

You are not doing your children any good by keeping this fraud of a marriage. They are learning that this messed up situation is what they can expect in life. Why not teach them that when people make mistakes, like a gay man marries a straight woman, that there is a better solution than a sham of a marriage?

Just divorce your wife and let the both of you get on with your lives.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

WilliamM said:


> I doubt you can just dump your boyfriend and drop in her boyfriend and make it work.
> 
> My wife is sure on a philosophical level you two could make such an arrangement work, but your wife needs to accept your boyfriend as her boyfriend.
> 
> ...


this is actually a common issue among people new to polyamory. its called unicorn hunting. truth is, people don't fit into molds. your wife would probably find a lot more success if she didn't require a girlfriend also fall for you. 

not many people are polyamorous to begin with. very few and far between are the ones who are, and who are also both bisexual and attracted to both partners of a couple.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

...


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Perhaps she reconsidered divorce because she has to pay you alimony?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Here is my advice, without any meandering.



If you are bisexual, as your wife seems to be suggesting, her suggestions about your marriage cannot work. You cannot change who you care about just because she wants you to. It will not work.



If you are gay, and want a gay boyfriend, and don't want sex with your wife, then I can't see how continuing to stay married is of any value.


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