# Lying about total ED?



## Lasr60637 (Nov 14, 2008)

Husband had prostate cancer surgery 5 years ago. Sex with him has dwindled to nothing. He says the pills (viagra, cialis, and levitra) doesnt work, doesnt like the pump. He claims he doesnt care about sex anymore so we don't even try to do anything. He pleasures me orally anytime I want it but he doesnt want anything done for him.

Two years ago I uncovered a 10 year affair he was having with a fellow coworker of ours. We've had 4 D-Days and he has a secret prepaid cell phone that he hids from me but I found it. I have threatened him with divorce if I find out he's still seeing her. Is it possible that he is having sex with her but doesnt have enough to have sex with me too?

Could he be lying about not being able to and/or not wanting to have sex and blaming it on the surgery?

Also, could he not be having sex with me because he's angry that I messed up his long term secret relationship with OW.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Not sure of the time line here... does he STILL have the prepaid phone?

Either way, impotence can be a side effect of that surgery. I would tell you that when I pleasure my wife orally, it has an arousal effect on me. next time, take a peek and see what's going on down there.


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## Dave321 (Aug 4, 2010)

Surgery can have term deal.Has your husband talked or said anything after it was over?As far as the pills,you can take them but if you are not in the mood or right fame of mind, for get it.Like popping candy Paz's.But this other women,ten year affair.And yes he can be angry at you and the world for how life has dealt him this life.I would take him or ask him to the doc's just to check if he can have sex.And go in with him,don't stay out in the waiting room.And if okay.Then on to the other Doc's office to talk.Do you love him?Are you willing to fine out the truth? This stuff takes time and money.Can you tote the load?I'm glad to hear that he will go down on you when ever you ask ,thats great.I wish you love and hope.


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## Lasr60637 (Nov 14, 2008)

Chris Taylor said:


> Not sure of the time line here... does he STILL have the prepaid phone?
> 
> Either way, impotence can be a side effect of that surgery. I would tell you that when I pleasure my wife orally, it has an arousal effect on me. next time, take a peek and see what's going on down there.


Timeline:
D-Day July 2008
Demanded NC, found 1st cell phone shortly after.

January 2009 - found 2nd cell phone

November 2009 - found 3rd cell phone

January 2010 - found 4th cell phone

July 2010 - found 5th cell phone (he accidentally dropped it trying to quickly put it in his pocket but I saw it. When I asked him about it, he said he dropped one of the old cell phones and he has it sitting on top of the cable box so I can set it everyday).

This is a man who for some reason does not want to leave and does not want a divorce. He swears they are just friends but you don't have that much conversation with a member of the opposite sex for years and years and thats all to it. And especially once it uncovered, to keep contact with that person - looks like he needs her in his life and will not break contact.

I'm beginning to think he a bit passive-aggressive and its going to take some major measures to finally uncover this seemingly secret life of his. I just can't understand why he would still have a secret phone and what could they be doing with each other if he's still seeing her. All I can think of is he's been lying about the ED. That its not as bad as he's been telling me. The surgeon said he saved one (out of the two) nerves and he gets "morning wood", when he's with me, it doesnt last long. Thats what makes me think it could last longer with OW and its not working with me cause he'd rather be with her, or it works and lasts longer but because of my anger at his affair and threats to divorce him if I find out they are still together, his passive-aggressive nature kicks in and he's withholding sex from me as my punishment.

I know this sounds crazy.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I strongly suspect "E.D", in this context, is more appropriately called "B.S". I doubt he was playing checkers for 10 years during his affair and he doesn't need a secret phone card to talk about checkers. He's talking to someone secret about something secret. Either he is planning a surprise party for you or he's probably still having an affair.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Morning wood, known as nocturnal penile tumescence, is generally (and I mean generally, I am not a urologist) a sign that there is nothing pathologically wrong per se with his penis. It's able to inflate, maintain a pressure gradient in there, and so forth.

It's not definitive proof but it's one piece of evidence that's on the side this is not physiological but rather psychological/emotional/romantic.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Lasr60637 said:


> ...I'm beginning to think he a bit passive-aggressive and its going to take some major measures to finally uncover this seemingly secret life of his. I just can't understand why he would still have a secret phone and what could they be doing with each other if he's still seeing her. All I can think of is he's been lying about the ED. That its not as bad as he's been telling me. The surgeon said he saved one (out of the two) nerves and he gets "morning wood", when he's with me, it doesnt last long. Thats what makes me think it could last longer with OW and its not working with me cause he'd rather be with her, or it works and lasts longer but because of my anger at his affair and threats to divorce him if I find out they are still together, his passive-aggressive nature kicks in and he's withholding sex from me as my punishment.
> 
> I know this sounds crazy.


You are NOT being crazy - I would be thinking the same in your position. I hope you can get to the bottom of it, and soon.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I 100% agree with Unbelievable, Scanner and Advocado.
First off, if they are just friends there would be ZERO reason why he would need a secret phone. None. That alone to me screams affair.
You said that he doesn't want a divorce but after your last D-Day you said if contact was continued you would divorce him. He bought a FIFTH PRE PAID CELL PHONE. Why is the ball in his court anymore?
Where is your line in the sand?


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## Lasr60637 (Nov 14, 2008)

Brennan said:


> Where is your line in the sand?


I think my "line in the sand" got moved. I think I keep finding these phones because he is not taking me seriously.

The phone I found in January 2010, I told him to leave, I was done, he could be with her, I didnt care anymore. Then he talked me out of it. Put the phone on top of the tv (its still there).

He doesnt know I know of this last phone. I think its time I found out exactly whats going on now. I'm getting a VAR and putting it in the car. I've got to know exactly what he's doing before I confront him again. He thinks his gaslighting techniques are working on me but its only pissing me off.

I really wanted to think his ED was due to his surgery. If I find out that he's okay, but just told me that to avoid sex with me, all hell is gonna break out. He was never a big sexual hurricane anyway so when he had the surgery, I wasnt surprised when he wasnt performing well. But oh my goodness, if I put the VAR in the car and find out differently - well, put it this way - I'm a menopausal, middle aged, starved for sex, bitter, betrayed wife.

He will regret it.


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