# Now it's me.



## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Some of you guys know my story about my wife's brief affair with a co-worker, and how we've been trying to rebuild our marriage, through counseling and spiritual guidance, so I'll skip to my problem. My wife and I have been doing everything we possibly, can to recover from the affair. She has gone the distance and then some, to regain my trust and to prove her love. I , of course, can't be absolutely sure that it won't happen again, but I'm convinced that it won't, from her actions and her total commitment to our marriage. I love her and have forgiven her, and admit my negligence was part of the whole bad equation. My problem is that I don't feel about her, like I used to. I don't think I'm in love with her anymore, and I feel guilty about it, because I know it isn't her, it's me. She has jumped through hoops to prove her love, and I appreciate it and love her for it, but, for me, "the spark ", just isn't there. Will it ever come back?


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I think it's all part of the process, different stages.......I do know you have to work at it, you have to spend time together, just talking no tv......enjoying each others company, doing little things for each other, seeing the joy of your actions.........
You will fall madly in love again with your wife and the passion will follow just like when you first fell in love...........
maybe have a talk about meeting each others emotional needs....maybe she is being great but maybe it's not what you need?
sometimes when we think something is important to our partner it's our needs we are meeting not theirs.......
just keep working at it, and good for you guys getting past the affair...................
jessi


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I have never had to go through being cheated on. So I can't help you with what you are feeling but I think I understand it. 

I think I could forgive my wife. I could understand how she got into a circumstance where it happened. I could understand that my actions might have contributed. 

But I don't think I could ever think of her the same way. I would not respect her the way I do now. Even though I would have forgiven her for what she did. Something about the commitment between two people that trumps all other actions. I know it would be very hard for me to stay married to her. My love for her might allow it, but it would never be the same.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

We are going to have the ups and downs in recovery. I had some bad triggers over the weekend, but the things she did for me on Monday just brighten up my spark for her. She is constantly going through the hoops, but that dinner and affection was over the top and right when I needed it. I quess what I'm say is expect the spark to flicker and see what happen the next day. 

I can really see my "new" wife as the person I want to spend my old age with. I feel like I fought so hard and commited so much to getting her back it would be a waste to let it go.


Its work, so go take her out and treat her to a good time and she will returns the favor 10 fold. Don't get complacent.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

it could, do you want it back?? are you doing the things that you enjoyed doing for her and things the two of you enjoyed doing together prev??

are you holding back?? are you still punishing her?? are you still punishing yourself?? are you scared to take a leap of faith, i mean rightly so, but do you want to be right or happy?? 

i would say tell her your feelings, if you are feeling reserved, tell her, its not to be mean, or to keep anything going, but aplogize for not following thorugh on the plan you al have made to move forward, and jump all in just really commit to it. 

i hope this helps...good luck


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

I think it's part of the process. Moving through stages. I took your private advise (and that of others) and made a leap of faith by forgiving her for her infidelity. It brought us closer together. I can't forget about it and it comes back to haunt my mind but I chase it away as quckly as possible.

Work on creating a new relationship and a new love. Look at it like you are starting over.

Funny how I was updating my wife on your progress last night and told her you were doing well. (since our stories are so similar) Stay the course!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Dow, my marriage didn’t come to an end because of an affair. The point I want to make is I knew deep inside of me I couldn’t go on. I just knew. It was categorical and non negotiable. It was like a massive concrete wall had slammed down between the two of us.

I think you too will know deep inside of you when it’s over. It is a decision you will make by yourself and for yourself. You wont seek advice or counsel from anyone. You wont need to as you will just “know” it’s over.

I don’t think you are there yet as you are still expressing your thoughts and feelings to others. That’s a sign that you have “hope”. When all hope is gone then it is over. So I say keep working on it, closing down a marriage is not a nice thing to do, least of all the mourning of it all, the what was and what might have been.

I think you need to make sure that you don’t live with regrets. Maybe do it three months at a time. Keep going for three months and then review. Three months in the scheme of a lifetime is but a blink of an eye.

I don’t have any regrets about ending my marriage, I walked the last mile many times, probably a few times too many. But that is why I have no regrets.

Bob


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

I was unable to go to the counseling session Tuesday because I'm down with the flu, so the therapist texted me a rundown today about what she and my wife talked about. My wife told her that she has never been as in love with me as she is now and it's like a new lease on life for her. She said that this is the way she had always wanted our marriage to be. We do everything together, go on dates, contact each other at various times during the day, buy each other little gifts and make plans. But IDK. It's like we are close FWB'S, to me at least. I don't think we will be successful if I can't feel the emotional connection for her, I had when we married. It wouldn't be fair to either of us.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

The 3 happiest moments of my life were when I met her, when we married, and when she became pregnant (before we found out about her infertility). Even when I was working until 2 and 3 in the morning, and would be so exhausted that I couldn't drive or walk and slept at my desk, it was all right because I was married to the most beautiful, purest, Angel on earth. Nothing on earth could have shaken my love and belief in her honesty and love for me. It was as certain as the sun. Honestly, after I found out about her affair, I thought seriously about going back into the service, after all, I didn't have anything to live for, anymore. I miss my wife, so much!! I always thought that it was silly when people said that they had to mourn their marriage, but maybe that's what I will have to do to get past this. I can't start a new marriage when I still have deep feelings for my old marriage. Does this make any sense? I want to start again, with her, nobody else. But I have to be in love with her, not a memory.


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

Hi DOw,

a quick note from me. I have been in your shoes. My wife and I were 2 months back into our marriage and I was starting to feel what you feel. My feelings seem to be disappearing. In my circumstance my wife was not trying so hard like yours. it was not going so well so we ended it. again. only now my feelings are changing again. its a roller coaster. My feelings have changed but I know I can't get back with her, not only does she not want to but I know it is not the best thing for me. 

It breaks my heart either way. If your wife is trying so hard, just try your best to hang in there and try your best in the relationship for as long as you can


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi again, 
I think it's the same process as triggers, when you realize that the feelings aren't there, quickly change your thinking to a positive loving moment you have felt for your wife, slowly maybe you can change your thinking/thoughts........
I hear what you are saying it's because our belief systems had them in a place in our head where having an affair is an impossible thing......and that image is forever gone..................but maybe 9 out of 10 is good..............she sounds like she is trying really hard to be that woman in your head again........it would be a shame to lose 9 out of 10...........how many people have that............


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Good luck Dow! I can't relate, but apples to oranges am going through a similar feeling with my college aged daughter. We were so close and did so much together and then slowly but surely we/I started to see glimpses of a double life. We wrote it off as normal 18yr old behavior and were grateful it wasn't much worse.

Off to college and the freedom that brings and now we have a daughter who has tried every drug, had her stomach pumped 3 times, and is currently in her 6 week of rehab, so it obviously became much worse very fast!! So many lies, hidden secrets, cops involved, savings spent, and I'm sitting here going "Wait, what happened to my 3.35gpa high school senior who was going into Pre-Law, the one who went to church every Sunday on her own accord, the one who was all but a angel for being 17/18, the one who txt'd me everyday and we went to eat and see movies together all the time?" It really boils down to the breadth of lies just such a long list of to my face lies to protect her lifestyle.

She is recovering and doing everything she is supposed to be doing, but it's hard to wrap my arms around what has happened. My heart is having a very hard time at being anything but cordial. It's like our "love" is dead......she is my daughter, but I don't feel much anymore if that makes any sense. Feel very numb and I don't know how that "love feeling" will come back.....

I question if we will ever be as close as we were. Best of luck it must be hard even if she is doing everything right.~~


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Dowjones said:


> The 3 happiest moments of my life were when I met her, when we married, and when she became pregnant (before we found out about her infertility). Even when I was working until 2 and 3 in the morning, and would be so exhausted that I couldn't drive or walk and slept at my desk, it was all right because I was married to the most beautiful, purest, Angel on earth. Nothing on earth could have shaken my love and belief in her honesty and love for me. It was as certain as the sun. Honestly, after I found out about her affair, I thought seriously about going back into the service, after all, I didn't have anything to live for, anymore. I miss my wife, so much!! I always thought that it was silly when people said that they had to mourn their marriage, but maybe that's what I will have to do to get past this. I can't start a new marriage when I still have deep feelings for my old marriage. Does this make any sense? I want to start again, with her, nobody else. But I have to be in love with her, not a memory.



There is wisdom in your words Dow. You have been through a massive change in not just your marriage but your life as well.

A lot of what you had is now lost. What’s lost? In a way an “innocence”, purity has been lost. That fidelity, (loyalty, faithfulness, reliability, trustworthiness) so important in a marriage was trashed by your wife’s behaviour.

Sure, your wife is remorseful and trying to do everything she can to recover her “fidelity” after her infidelity actions and that will take a while.

But at the same time you need to mourn what was lost. Suggest you research the mourning process or mourning phases. It helped me out a lot to understand what I was going through. I grieved the separation from my wife far more than the loss of my mother and father when they actually died. Some say the grieving is worse when the person is still alive but I don’t know about that.

It took me 6 months just to get my anger down and out of me. I could never have done that unless I was separated from the person who caused the anger in the first place. So you have kind of a double whammy. You’re mourning your loss while at the same time living with the person who caused you grief in the first place.

May be a separation of six months or so will enable you to grieve your loss and at the end of that time you can make the decision as to whether to get back together again.

Bob


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

I don't think a separation would be a good idea (and I mostly admire AFEH's advise). I am experiencing much of Dow's same issues (our stories are so similar).

I am basically living a dual life. I have my "old marriage" before the affair, I have the "affair period" and the "post affair" time. I force myself to separate the 3 periods as distinct entities. 

I reflect on how depraved my wife was during the "affair period" (ie: depression, substance abuse, etc.). I appreciate how the affair has brought us so close together and will not allow us to take eachother for granted (as most married couples do).

I too, also reflect on the loss of honesty, trust, innocense, purity and fidelity. I think, "how could she ever do such a stupid, senseless thing? Nothing good would ever come from that, other than to put our marriage, our family and possibly health at risk." I just accept that it was a dark period, almost like she was transported to another planet by evil little green men, who took over her mind. As long as it doesn't happen again, I'm good with moving forward.

Dow, you advised me "to get off of the crazy train". Based on your advise and the advise of my hair dresser and 2 therapists, I finally forgave her for her behavior. It took me many months to get there.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

We went to see the therapist last night, (she had a cancellation) and I told both her and my wife about my doubts. My wife sobbed and told me that she would do anything I asked her, to restart the "spark", She told me that she would wait and that no other man would ever touch her again , only me , however long it takes. The therapist said that what I'm feeling ( the doubt and feelings of loss) are perfectly normal and she didn't think that any separation was either necessary or helpful. I asked her why, and she said that the spark was still there. If it weren't, then I wouldn't be so concerned, I would have already checked out of the marriage, which obviousely hasn't happened. She said that the spark was buried by my disappointment, hurt, and anger, but that as time passes and my wife continues to prove herself the woman that I married, it will come back to life. It made me feel a lot better.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

WE had a great night, tonight! After our session with the counselor, we took a walk in the plaza and had vendor food for dinner, while we talked and held hands and smooched and stuff. After a while she told me she was horny and where could we go to fix that problem? We went into the changing room at a shop, and had a wonderful experience. Afterwards we giggled like kids and she said that was the best date we had been on in years.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Dowjones said:


> Some of you guys know my story about my wife's brief affair with a co-worker, and how we've been trying to rebuild our marriage, through counseling and spiritual guidance, so I'll skip to my problem. My wife and I have been doing everything we possibly, can to recover from the affair. She has gone the distance and then some, to regain my trust and to prove her love. I , of course, can't be absolutely sure that it won't happen again, but I'm convinced that it won't, from her actions and her total commitment to our marriage. I love her and have forgiven her, and admit my negligence was part of the whole bad equation. My problem is that I don't feel about her, like I used to. I don't think I'm in love with her anymore, and I feel guilty about it, because I know it isn't her, it's me. She has jumped through hoops to prove her love, and I appreciate it and love her for it, but, for me, "the spark ", just isn't there. Will it ever come back?


Dowjones, 

It's nice to know that you & your wife had a good time & fun stuffs togehter, you did sound happier but you didn't mention if that has re-ignited the sparks in you.

I know you do love your wife but you NOT YET totally feel attracted to her... so may I ask? 

Did you have a crush on someone else? 
Are you interested in any special girl at the moment?


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

principleme said:


> do you think that Dow not attracted because of his attraction to another woman. i bet you Dow is not like you, who attracted to other person while having married spouse. he becomes like this after found out the affair.


why you answered my questions for him? I'm not asking you.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Dowjones,
> 
> It's nice to know that you & your wife had a good time & fun stuffs togehter, you did sound happier but you didn't mention if that has re-ignited the sparks in you.
> 
> ...


To answer your question, MsLonely, No I don't have any feelings for other women. The funny thing is that as soon as people found out my wife and I were having problems, all kinds of girls have been flirting with me and I've gotten at least 10 invitations for dinner, "a night out", and even NSA sex. If I wanted to, I could be f**king a different girl almost every night. It's good for the ego , to find out that I'm attractive to women.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

RIGHT ON DOW!

Wow what a difference a week makes. It sound like she's really helping you heal. Sex in a changing room that awsome. I hope your feeling a little more positive about the marraige?

Last Thur. we had a pretty dark discusion about her affairs, but then Sat. night at the Hilton changed everything back to were it needs to be. 

I can relate!


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

I'm not sure why MsLonely would even suggest that Dow's "waffling" would have anything to do with another woman! As I see it (and lived it myself), our wifes stepped out. 
They violated a sacred vow of marriage. 
It's not like buying an expensive purse and realizing that she f*&ed up and can just return it. Once the fidelity is gone, it can never come back. It's like losing one's virginity. Once it's gone, it's gone. Yes, trust can be regained, but even that will never quite be the same.
Clearly, the thought about "retrobution sex" or "why did I have to be faithful all of these years, with lots of passed-on opportunities and she gets to step out" will go through one's head. But that doesn't mean that the faithful spouce was getting some on the side. I suppose if that was the case, then it would be far easier to heal. I would just say to myself, "I was cheating too, so I have no right to feel betrayed. I just got what I deserved!" I would suggest that this is not the case with Dow, myself, and most people on this site.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In my marraige I hope that things will never be the same. I hope everthings alot different. There was a reason my W steped out, and I will never go back to my old behaviors, nor will she. That is something we stive for in my new marraige with the same person.

Yes, vows were violated, but with changed behaviors, marraiges can be renewed and flurish. 

For me, I dismissed my marraige long a go, there was no infidelity on my part, it was work, that was the love that replaced my wife, and my wife loves to be loved so she replaced me with fantisy love. 


Once its gone it is gone, so that is why I started anew and I was lucky she wanted to come. And I'll take her with as long as we move away from the way things were and begain a new relationship.
19 years ago we were best friends, 7 years into it we became roommates/spouses. Now we are back to being new best friends.

I'm glad I found out it opened my eyes and was ready to move on with out her. No begging or pleading. I just knew I hand to change so that my next relationship didn't end up the same way. She saw that and knew it will be better for her, so I took her along.


Sorry for the rant.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Still. Not sure why people love to answer questions for others. Wierd.

I'm 100 % sure that he has no other woman (PA) behind the wife.

I just want to know if he had met someone special who might stole his sparks/interests away. 

Not necessary means that they have a close contact.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

principleme said:


> nice Dow .. you have no crush on other women.
> 
> you are better than Mslonely. far better


Sorry to Dowjones.

In any case, why do you compare me with Dow? Dow & me have totally different issues & problems in marriage, and we are all looking for insights. 

Come to my thread to criticise me instead, if you have questions about me. Don't mess up Dow's thread!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

principleme said:


> not interested posting on cheater thread


Ya right, but you're talking to me, somemore, you're messing up Dow's thread at the same time, answering questions for him in order to attack me, that's very kind of you. I don't know why TAM started to have weird people.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Now kids, am I going to have to separate you?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

... in this corner, in the silky RED trucks: MsLonely! MsLoney! And in this corner, the welterweight champion of the world, wearing the blue and white: Principleme! 

LET'S GET READY TO RRRRRRRRRUMBLE!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Ya. It's fun but I wasn't interested in any race with boring ppl.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> ... in this corner, in the silky RED trucks: MsLonely! MsLoney! And in this corner, the welterweight champion of the world, wearing the blue and white: Principleme!
> 
> LET'S GET READY TO RRRRRRRRRUMBLE!


This is too funny!! I was thinking the same thing!!!:smthumbup:


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Dowjones said:


> This is too funny!! I was thinking the same thing!!!:smthumbup:


Have you re-ignited the sparks between you and your wife?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Sometimes yes, and sometimes IDK. It's a process, and I just have to be patient.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

It didn't make me feel bad to have a crush.
It did make me feel troubled because I'm married and there's nothing I can do about it.
I'm working on my marriage to face the music, same old issue, not too many sparks at first and then became sexless, it's not my excuse for my crush but related.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Dowjones said:


> Sometimes yes, and sometimes IDK. It's a process, and I just have to be patient.


What is IDK? I don't know?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

Dowjones said:


> Sometimes yes, and sometimes IDK. It's a process, and I just have to be patient.


You sound like you have what it takes Dow, I hope it comes back as strong or stronger than it was for you. Keep us posted.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Are you totally open to your wife? Does your wife know your fantasies and interests?
Do you let her have some ideas about how to please you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

You know sometimes, when there is a big power shift in a relationship, you have moments of doubt like this. You both need to get used to the new reality in your relationship. 

As long as you don't abuse your new-found power, which I am sure you won't, there is no reason for this not to work out.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Thanks James, but there are no worries about me abusing my power, any more than I did before the affair. I'm not one to go off half-****ed. I have really been tempted by some of the women, though. Sometimes during a bad spell, I think that it would be so much easier to dump her and start over with someone new, then she will do something to remind me of what we once had, and I will have hope that it's still possible for us.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

principleme said:


> i think Dow is good as he tries to work on things .. forgive her wife after A (unlike me, divorced after her A no forgiveness).
> 
> but now he's dealing with the new problem to love her back and get everything which was before the A. so far he still has a will to get the spark again.
> 
> perhaps you should rely on God for this Dow.


Thanks, Principleme, but I would rather rely on myself. God didn't cause this mess, my wife and I did.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

God, higher power, devine being.... This is all a very personal thing. I was raised religious but didn't believe much. I even read the book "God is Not Great" and agreed with most of it's content. 

After my wife's suicide attemt, infidelity and all that surrounded her behavior over that "bad" year, I now believe that a "higher power" intervened. She was lucky to not die, no DUIs, no STDs & the fact that I'm able to stay with her following her betrayals, is nothing short of devine intervention. AGAIN, It's still a very personal thing.


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

Dowjones said:


> Thanks James, but there are no worries about me abusing my power, any more than I did before the affair. I'm not one to go off half-****ed. I have really been tempted by some of the women, though. Sometimes during a bad spell, I think that it would be so much easier to dump her and start over with someone new, then she will do something to remind me of what we once had, and I will have hope that it's still possible for us.


You're a better man than me Dow.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Well the Holidays are upon us, and we seem to be doing well. She is now much more the woman I married, and I'm much more the man she married. We have been trying to decide whether to renew our vows or not. This is a very thorny question. She is completely for it, while I have my doubts.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Dow: No rush to renew. I've thought about it and decided to wait until we are more solidly along. My brother, who had a similar experience, waited a year.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

I have decided against renewal. After all, I didn't break the first ones, so why should I renew? She understands and told me that she went to the church , yesterday and knelt before the altar and renewed her vows, to God , alone. I did begin wearing my wedding band again, and she is ecstatic about that. Maybe in the future, I will see it differently, but not now. Things are slowly getting to where I want them to be. I'm not working as hard or spending such long hours away from home, and she is beginning to recover her self-esteem and I think that the "spark", that was missing is starting to smolder again, which is good news. She now has some new friends at work, and they are all members of our church, so she doesn't feel so alone, and her sister has transferred to a college in our city, and will be staying with us for a while.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I think you are right for not renewing your vows. You never broke them. I am sure that you are not going to rub her nose in it. And what she did at the church is important for her. But it is not a "do over". I am sure if you took her to a special place and reaffirmed your love for her without mentioning her cheating, that it would greatly appreciated.


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