# Beyond the point of no return.



## brighton (Nov 1, 2013)

Hi, this is the first time I've posted here.

I've been married to my wife for 7 years, and we have two beautiful children who are on the autism spectrum. Our lives are stressful as we face challenges as many of you with autistic children would understand. Our kids are high functioning, but of course require a lot of attention. I believe what I'm about to write is mostly related to the stresses of our life with two autistic kids. 

I feel like our marriage is failing. My wife is constantly angry with me, her vitriol is killing me. She is angry because she feels that I'm not on the same page as her, and that I'm never available, or "present". By this she means that I'm not in tune with current priorities in the house, the kid's needs, staying on top of things that need to be done. She's upset that things are sliding around the house that I don't spend enough time with the kids. For the most part she has good reason to be upset. When I'm not at work I'm at home. I don't have much of a life outside of home. Although, I'm physically present, I sometimes escape in my own thoughts, and things pass me by around me and I'm not aware of it. I notice this happens when I'm overwhelmed. So I completely get where she's coming from.

On the other hand, she is the type of person who is anxious by almost everything. If something suddenly bothers her, it becomes a catastrophe and she does not handle the situation well. I'm usually the person she blames, almost a punching bag to let out her aggression, even if I had no part in what is bothering her. This occurs a lot. A good example, almost a freudian slip, is when a loud motorcycle drove by one night, and in hast, managed to shoosh me! She is a strong willed, very intelligent, which is why I fell for her in the first place. But her strong will sometimes overcomes rational reaction. I do my best, in my limited time, to do the work that needs to be done around the house. But given our schedules, and the fact that kids take up so much of our time, managing everything is impossible. My wife will freak out if something that hasn't been done, all of sudden needs to be done, even if she has been aware of it for a week. I'm therefore at fault for not doing anything about it. 
When I do take on a project, my wife will interfere, criticize, and comment that by doing what i'm doing, i'm not spending time with the kids. She likes control, and when I'm taking control of something she feels uncomfortable. But is then critical that I don't take control enough. This is where I lose it and I believe is part of the reason why I escape. More and more I am finding less motivation to do anything because it feels futile.

We don't sleep in the same bed anymore, as I'm too noisy (snoring). We rarely have sex. I mean I don't remember the last time we did it. I'm delegated to the couch, and that has been my bed for the last 2 years. This bothers me a lot. I find she has lost respect for me completely, a comment I will never forget was a long the lines of 'you are just not in the same calibre as my friends'. When she talks to friends, with me right there, she always refers to "my kids", not "our kids". This may seem minor, but reinforces her deep lack of respect, and my irrelevance in the family. I'm not a push over, I will stand my ground over things that I feel strongly about, but this sends her into a rage. In fact, any criticism of her sends her into a rage. It almost feels like a narcissistic response sometimes. She can not handle any negativity towards herself, but dishes it out in torrents. 

I will go out of her way to listen to her about her day, she likes to describe everything that happened throughout the day. This admittedly can be draining for me, but I will listen and take interest. She however, does not have the slightest interest about my work life or my likes or anything else. If i talk to her about something light hearted, a movie I saw the night before, she will dismiss it as frivolous and unimportant to our lives, and that I should be ashamed that I talk about something that is not important. I was embarrassed one time where we met my co workers, and she forgot where I actually worked and thought I was still at my last job. This is an indication of her complete disinterest. 

In many respects she takes charge of things. She's amazing at organizing the kids, something I'm working on (and something else she is disgusted by, how could I not be on top of things as she?). However, she is completely irresponsible in other areas of life. She refuses to file taxes, she loses her important documents regularly, every day is a long search for her phone, keys, you name it. Yes she's overwhelmed, but it's killing me. She will refuse to take on something that makes her uncomfortable, and will refuse my help due to stubbornness and strong will.

The above has been an ongoing theme throughout our marriage but has steadily gotten worse. I'm fantasizing about moving out a living on my own, which is a bad sign, because I really want our marriage to work. But I'm overwhelmed by life as it is, and working myself to improve the things that is bothering her is taking it's toll. It feels futile and useless.

Anyways, I guess I'd like to hear from others. If anything, by writing this I feel like I have got a lot of my chest.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Does she work or is caring for your children her full-time job. Two things jump out:

1. Make sometime for you. Give yourself a break and doing something you like, such hitting the gym, going for a walk, whatever. The trade off is that you then need to be present when you are home.

2. Take over some child care and don't let you wife interfere. Take one or both to the park without her. Handle their bath. Do something to demonstrate that you are capable of handling them.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

brighton said:


> She likes control, and when I'm taking control of something she feels uncomfortable. But is then critical that I don't take control enough.


Sounds like this situation is going to take some work, but I have a feeling you can get to a better place. Don't fight with her for control in obvious ways, but have a quiet confidence that you can steer what's important. She's intelligent. You're loving. Maybe she'll eventually turn out to be intelligent enough to appreciate you? Start asking her open ended questions along the lines of, "Don't you want more from your marriage?" Eventually she might give you something to start working with. Til then, you may have to imagine her as one of those big flies that gets into the house and just keeps zipping around repetitively crashing into different walls. "Yes dear, you're in control...Bang...Yes I see your point...Bang...Oh, I don't have the kind of intelligence you value, so sorry about that...Bang." Just let her metaphorically hit the walls, and not you. Then when you think she might be ready to listen, back to questions like, "Why do you think some people value having a sex live?


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## Yolandi (Oct 27, 2013)

Does she work outside the home? 

If not, it doesn't seem reasonable that she would expect so much from you at home. If you both work, then home responsibilities should be evenly shared.

One thing I would work on is not to take ownership of her anxiety caused issues. Make sure you stay calm so that she can't blame you for yelling or getting mad. Just stand your ground.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

You're both going forward with separate lives. I've seen many guys who welcome work as an escape from home lives that they can't deal with. I think two kids on the spectrum must be extremely difficult for you both. You've both adapted into these patterns to deal with this very difficult life situation.

I believe that the answer to these things is in ourselves and I don't usually suggest marriage counseling but I think you need new coping mechanisms and an outsider's view. I don't know how much support you get or got when the children were identified as autistic but often parents are left to figure all of this out themselves. Maybe you have free counseling services through work/insurance?


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## lovelifeandwanttoenjoyit (Sep 14, 2013)

Really sorry to hear about your situation, but I will be hard on what I'm about to say regardless of the condition of your kids. STOP being the victim here, take it for what it is and start working for YOU. Set boundaries, your wife is running all over you, as mine did!!! going through a personal situation and with the help of the member of this forum I've come to realized many things about ME that I was putting on her.

So, work on you
Set boundaries, you have the same rights as she does
Stop sleeping in the couch and seek treatment for your snoring
If you are not OK, then how can you be OK for your kids
Seek therapy for you

Your wife feelings are hers to own as well as you are the owner of your feelings. You need to make yourself happy, no one else will.

Wish you the best, one of the books that I have read because of participating in this forum is No More Mister Nice Guy, however, you can find many great books about the subject.

Wish you all the best!!!
*Remember: If you start feeling happy, if you take care of your self everything around you will change.*


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

She sounds like a borderline.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Majestic Starman (Nov 24, 2013)

It's too bad you're not still posting here... There are several aspects of that post that are a carbon copy of my life. Take away the autistic children, couch sleeping, and losing keys, and I'm right there with you.


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