# a little advice pls?



## whynow (Mar 25, 2010)

My story: married 22 yrs to a wonderful and beautiful woman. 8 children - 2 married at this time - so 6 at home. about 6 years ago we went through a horrible time for about 2 years - lots of yelling, misunderstanding, emotional hurts - both ways. Much of it my fault for neglecting her needs for 20 years. Read help books like - His needs/her needs. We both understand what we need to do. But, it is very hard. We both get caught in the trap of living in the past hurts of neglect. (Do those ever go away?)

Non of this involved cheating - either emotional or physical - from either of us. We were able to talk about that. Part of our wakeup call is that we realized we were so close to looking to others to meet our needs.

Communication is much better now - but still not always good. We continue to open up more and more to each other. Which is good, but can also cause pain.

The latest one I am having extreme problems with: She told she felt as though I was using her for sex - and always have. The only time I want physical contact and would touch her is when I wanted sex. She told me she has felt obligated to go along. Here is my problem - I thought she voluntarily joined in because she likes it (which she says she does - I now make sure she is completely fullfilled - not true years ago). Now when I want to pursue her physically, I don't know what to do. In no way do I want her to feel forced or obligated. Yet I now know that when I touch her, that is how she feels. So I can't know if she is feeling obligated or really wants to. I find myself backing off from any touching - which is one of her love languages!

She initiated the other day and afterward made a comment about doing it because she knew I needed it.

I don't know what to do. How can I pursue her without making her feel obligated? Am I misinterpreting something?


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## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

I have been guilty of the "touching only with intent for sex" too. Here's what you need to do:

1. Hug her, Kiss her, Hold her hand, Cuddle with her, etc etc etc. All the little touchy lovey actions.
2. DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT try to have it proceed to sex.

You need to show her that you can give her touchy attention without it having to lead to sex. You might just be like me and wind up surprised at how much YOU enjoy it. It doesn't have to be completely overboard, but you need to be willing to fulfill one of her needs.

It can be a long road, because the first few times that you do it, she will likely thing you are looking for sex. You have to disassociate the affection from sex. Sounds odd, but that's what my wife needed. We actually agreed that we would do this, and on the nights that I (or she, but mostly I) wanted sex, we would make it known up front.

The more that it becomes enjoying each other without the pretense of sex, the more often it will actually wind up leading to sex.


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## Tommy Tuesday (Mar 25, 2010)

I agree with Dryden that his is probably the best approach. However, it never ceases to amaze me how disingenuous women can be when it comes to sex. If they initiate it they expect to get it and if a man turns them down they are devastated! They are conditioned for this their entire lives because rarely, if ever, has a man ever said "No" to sex with them. Good Grief!! Men rarely say "no" at all! 
But when a man initiates sex and the woman is "not in the mood", then suddenly they "feel used." In a truly open and communicative relationship, a woman should simply say "Honey, I am not in the mood for sex right now, but I would LOVE to give you a blow job......if that's okay?" Has any man ever said "No" to that? 
Relationships and sex are all about one thing - giving the other person what they need. So it would be great if you give you wife those cuddly moments, but she, in turn, should be willing to give you sex once in a while without them. Now THAT would be a great relationship!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I agree with Dryden...you already know it's her love language and she has stated she feels you only touch her when you want sex...so why not make the touching...hand holding....cuddling....kissing part of the normal daily routine so that she begins to feel that it is not a precursor to sex....if you do this all day and then do not have sex...she will feel it.



Tommy Tuesday said:


> In a truly open and communicative relationship, a woman should simply say "Honey, I am not in the mood for sex right now, but I would LOVE to give you a blow job......if that's okay?"


Maybe I'm wrong but I would think that for the most part if a woman is not in the mood for sex she's likely not in the mood to give oral sex either.


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## pulse (Mar 24, 2010)

Would it help, for a period of one month or so, for you both to agree to say one day per week when you will have sex together. You would still be affectionate on the "no sex" days as well as the "sex day", but it would take pressure off your wife in that she won't have to wonder if your affection is because you expect sex that day and it would also take the pressure off you somewhat as you know that you'll likely get sex on a given night. 

Of course you'll both need to be flexible - e.g. you wife might actually want sex on a "no sex" day and you can run with it! Conversely, if occasionally your wife might not want to have sex on the "sex day" you would need to accept this without putting on any pressure - just ask her to tell you up-front asap when she does not want sex on a "sex day" so you know where you stand. However, DO still be affectionate with her on a "sex day" even if she has said upfront that she doesn't want sex that day, and let her know you accept her decision but still want to be affectionate with her in any event. (Hope I'm making sense here.)

You can review things together at the of the month/whatever period you had agreed, and see if you wan't to continue, modify or scap the idea altogether. 

I know this all sounds a bit prescrptive but may be worth considering, I think.



I couldn't agree more with Swedish's comment:

"Maybe I'm wrong but I would think that for the most part if a woman is not in the mood for sex she's likely not in the mood to give oral sex either." 

but in my case I would replace the word "likely" with definitely!

(sorry, not quite sure how to make the quote go in one of those neat little quote box things)


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## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

swedish said:


> Maybe I'm wrong but I would think that for the most part if a woman is not in the mood for sex she's likely not in the mood to give oral sex either.


I think this one is hit or miss. I've had times where my wife won't feel like intercourse (bad cramps or whatever) but she's been more than willing to give me a BJ or a hand job so that I'm not 'left out to dry'.

Of course this comes with the stipulation that once she's feeling better, I'll be making up for lost time.


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## whynow (Mar 25, 2010)

Thank you. I will try that - again.


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