# another question for the ladies (FWW preferred)



## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

So i have a question, something that s been bugging me since i could put it into words.

i find that me and my wife may still have a chance to save our marriage. ive been in a plan B, and contact is as minimal as can get (dont ask) but her mom has come to me to tell me how shes doing, at least how the things ive been doing (or not) have been affecting her...

anyway, 

IF we get to reconcilliation, i find that there are alot of things i can deal with easily. 
the lying. she stops and is honest.
the cheating. no contact.
and a whole bunch of other reversable behaviors.

But the one single thing that has been bothering me (like most men) is intimacy.

im trying to figure out how to get past it.
i realized why its so hard. in theory she can shut him out, denounce him and all he stood for (they dont even go out, he always comes over and they hang out for a few hours, hes not romantic, and shes nothing more than a booty call)
the problem for me is not only getting the pictures out of my head, but also knowing that even if i can get her to block them out of her head, He'll always have them in his. that he got the experiances only i used to. and i dont know if hes take pics of her or any other stuff (his OMX tells me he always tried with her)

so im stuck with figuring this out. becuase, honestly, i dont know how to deal with knowing a nother guy knows my wife intimately. its not like something from high school before she blossomed into who she is now. we did alot of growing up together, esp. in the sexual aspect, and now he gets to enjoy the fruits of my labor. 


the question ladies really is do you think about your OM sexually after the affair has gone?
or for ladies in general, do you think about your Exs sexually?

weve been together for 17 years, and before me my wife didnt have to many ex boyfriends, so this is all new to me. 


i appreciate all comments, good bad or whatever.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

elph said:


> So i have a question, something that s been bugging me since i could put it into words.
> 
> i find that me and my wife may still have a chance to save our marriage. ive been in a plan B, and contact is as minimal as can get (dont ask) but her mom has come to me to tell me how shes doing, at least how the things ive been doing (or not) have been affecting her...
> 
> ...


I don't know what FWW means...

This is something that you will have to deal with on a individual basis... IC would definately help! 

just my thoughts.... referring to your wife's sexuality as the "fruits or your labors" is in my view, very possessive. I'm not condoning her actions, not by a long shot, however who, when, where and why she gives herself to another is purely her choice. It is her body, what motivates her to do so is her reasoning, flawed or otherwise. We are all still flawed human beings, it is each our choice, together in a marriage, to learn from mistakes, move on, and hopefully don't repeat them. I think upon sexuality within a marriage is a privilege, not a right. 

Now that you have reconciled, if you remain to have thoughts of the OM as a constant axe over your head, gravity always works and it will sever your relationship. You are comparing yourself to him and wiill undermine your own confidence. You have your wife back, you are better than him, and you will work upon the marriage for this to remain so. Her actions disrespected you, if she is truly remorseful and is working to regain the respect within the marriage, you will need to do the same... to gain back respect you have for your wife.

or do you truly feel that she will always be spoiled fruit, if so, it will not work, and throw her away... else work through it.

hate to be harsh... but I can be at times...


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

i appreciate what youve said. 

i didnt meant the fruits of my labors in a possesive way. it was more of a shared learning experiance, and somebody else gets to enjoy all that growth with out any real work.my wife went from a shy girl in high school, to becoming more relaxed and confident in terms of her intmacy. nothing freaky, but opening up and becoming comfortable. and it took work for us to get there. 

and he just steps in and gets a "ready made' package, if you would. and he gets to use that to satisfy his own whims. (as opposed to the OMX, who ive found is relatively conservative, yeah i asked those questions)

what im hoping is that through her comndemation of him, itll help me regain that specialness and uniqueness we once had.

but i wonder if shell still think about him in that way?

i wonder if any women here worry about the guys theyve been intimate with after the relationship goes sour. to know that theyve seen and been with them in certain ways. how does that make you feel?

as well as previously posted question.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

elph said:


> i appreciate what youve said.
> 
> i didnt meant the fruits of my labors in a possesive way. it was more of a shared learning experiance, and somebody else gets to enjoy all that growth with out any real work.my wife went from a shy girl in high school, to becoming more relaxed and confident in terms of her intmacy. nothing freaky, but opening up and becoming comfortable. and it took work for us to get there.
> 
> ...


Do you still think about your xgf's when you are with your wife? comparing them to her? Probably not... not if you are completely intuned to your wife... works both ways. If you have your doubts, that when she closes her eyes, if she imagines the OM or any other fantasy guy, that's something you have to come to terms with... perhaps even ask her, openly, honestly in love.

Thinking of yourself as her sexual awakening...an amazing experience for the both of you I am sure. However..she's awake now... she's not a wallflower anymore, do you have rights to that.. nope... still a privilege. 

As to the uniquenss and specialness... that part of it is gone, that is the past..in your emotional psyche. Very valid to mourn it.. but is it something to grieve over endless and become a thorn in your marriage? Would it be better to have IC/MC and work through it and let it go... knowing the rewards is a more intense, deeply founded, sexual life not as teacher and student, but as vibrant equals between the sheets. The future is so exciting, full of promise, and filled with mystery.. myself personally, I would gladly give up the past for a promise newfound future with only holding onto the wisedom of the past as part of my guidance. You have the opportunity to create a brand new uniqueness and specialness that far surpasses the old!! Foreward... gotta always be looking foreward.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I think we think about him for a little while.... like maybe wonder what could've been, or how it could have turned out if we had stayed with him. Same with ex h's too tho. As far as sexually/intimately.... I don't think so.... I mean, when you are really intimate with someone it pretty much means you are INTO them, and there is no one else in the picture. And then.... the memories of him fade anyway.

But ya know.... if you both sincerely work on the marriage, you'll find a new intimacy that should supercede all others. You'll never have the same relationship again. The players have changed.... thought processes, emotions, intimacy....it all changes...hopefully for the better! With R, you get a chance to actually *treat each other better than ever*.... and THAT is what helps us forget prior relationships. Know what I mean?


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

so far i just want to say the reality of what has been posted has put a smile on my face. just because it gives me something which sometimes i feel i lack going through a situation like this...

hope.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

elph said:


> so far i just want to say the reality of what has been posted has put a smile on my face. just because it gives me something which sometimes i feel i lack going through a situation like this...
> 
> hope.


And that is the beauty of human nature... there is always hope. That feeling, and it feels good, is there for a reason... as all feelings do. It is a positive !! It starts with hope... and with her and your hard work towards a better new marriage... you can do everything in YOUR power to give it your all... 15000%... with an open heart, mind and spirit. Be prepared to go through a helluva lot of emotional rollercoaster moments... but know with knowledge, insight, love, patience, perseverence, more love from the BOTH of you... magic will happen.

Best wishes...


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

elph, I'm a man but should probably stay out of this conversation, however I just want to say I think I understand quite well what you are talking about regarding the sharing of intimacy... I too feel somewhat "possessive" of my W's sexuality and I should because as her husband that is part of my marriage, and conversely my sexual intimacy was reserved for my W alone. My WW too was involved in extramarital physical affairs and to me it does kind of feel akin to theft of "intellectual property" - our sexual relationship was developed and honed between us within our marriage, and while she has complete autonomy over her own body, it does feel when she cheated she gave away something that belonged to me. Likewise, I feel that everything about my own sexuality for the past 9 years has been fine-tuned with her in mind, I am not just some generic organ attached to a simple brain with some popular basic instruciton set. I turned to my W for all my sexual growth and programming. She wasn't my first, but it took a long time of being single before her to get myself reset and ready to start working on a sexual relationship again, and now I know for me I have to do that again... I can't just give myself sexually to someone the way I am right now because even though my marriage is ending I am not in a condition to give what I have to someone else, it was meant solely for her. I will take certain things with me, true we are all human, but to me the whole point of committed relationships is to shape ourselves to fit with the one we want for life, and to me that is so much more rewarding than one night stands or random sex. It also makes decoupling so much more painful and difficult, and it is really hard to understand how a wayward spouse can detach so easily and take with them what they get out of a partnership to use with someone else.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Great post, Lon. I think it has to do with a spiritual connection with your partner. I also like what you said about maturing sexually together. That describes my relationship with my husband. For me sex is about connecting with him, merging our souls, allowing another person into my psychic space.


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

i am printing all these out and carrying them with me..

and LON, you very eloquently put into words the majority of how ive been feeling.

as she is still with the OM, i feel exactaly as you say. i dont posses her in the physical sense, but i believe that we posessed each others heart while married. to me that was the point. and it was our jobs to protect those.
then throwing in the intimacy thing, well there is something to be said about growing up with my wife (since high school) i think its rare to beable to mature and in alot of ways sync up together in an intimate fashion. she was my first for a lot of things and i was her. we explored our sexuality together and being married made me trust and become comfortable in the fact that i would be the only one to share and be shared with, those experiances. 

as well, i think when your intimate with your spouse, really thats when your at your most vunerable. so ive seen her at hers and she at mine. but now im not the only one to see her in that manner. 

how does that make me feel. not special. not unique. the one place that i could count on to feel as such as well as protected and connected. and that was wiped away. 


worse yet. my wifes birthday is today. she has our son today and tomorrow, so they wont get together then, and thurs. night he has his kids. so friday theyll go out and "celebrate" her birthday. 

ive celebrated her lasat 17 birthdays together (she 35 now). just imagine how different this years is. and in 3 weeks would be our 7th anniversary.

FML


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

elph said:


> i am printing all these out and carrying them with me..
> 
> and LON, you very eloquently put into words the majority of how ive been feeling.
> 
> ...


I definately do agree that LON put it most eloquently! Thank you LON... and I agree... it is the spiritual most intimate connection when making love... it is actually nothing to do with the physical act of sex. 

As to the uniqueness and specialness... that was in your past between the both of you will never change. What she is experiencing with the OM will never replace what you had shared. You don't know, and I'm sure you don't what she is truly experiencing with OM... perhaps comfort yourself with the notion that it is shallow meaningless sex....


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I also don't want to delude myself into thinking it was all great up until she left - it was broken for a long time and neither of us was getting what we needed from our intimacy together, which is the main reason she chose to leave. To me its heartbreaking because we both need to fix our own intimacy issues anyways, you can't just write something like this off, you have to go to the hard work of dismantling everything, sorting through all the emotions, putting things in their place and rebuilding the missing pieces.

When you choose to reconcile it is the choice you both make to do start the process from scratch together re-using the pieces that once worked very nicely. When one partner leaves it is hard not to feel insulted because the wayward one is choosing rebuilding without any idea of what pieces are really out there for them, they are saying they'd rather gamble on the unknown than rebuild with whatever you are capable of offering. In so doing they take or smash what little emotional tidbits are left behind.

I guess when it comes to compatibility after one spouse has sought a relationship outside the marriage and shown that they are willing to seek risk in order to gain happiness, is that unless there was an outside influence (drugs, abuse etc) no matter what choice you make, to reconcile or not, only one party will ever feel like the choice is for the better? And so generally relationships are doomed to fail after infidelity. My stbxw decided she is better off seeking a new relationship, I believed that I'd (we'd) be better off if we could grow past it. If the other can put some trust into their partner there is a chance, but in nearly every case of infidelity the trust is destroyed, so I think it is pretty miraculous when it happens, requires faith all around, not trust.


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

i agree with you. and the thing that i think about alot is if it would be easier to start a new relationship, without the trappings of the affair.

but then i think of all the little things between myself and my wife. the minute nuances that she and i pick up on. like a few weeks ago. ive developed a taste now for putting red pepper flakes on my pizza. when she brought me a few slices she made sure to included them. with out me asking. and like i said, a new development.

and your right. if we reconcile, how will i know if shes truly on board with it, that our marriage can recover. though, ill have to trust my instincts on that one. i know what her capacity is to put forth the effort and energy. and she even said to me on fathers day weekend. if we do reconcile, we could start by dating again, exclusivly, but really going out on dates...

but what it really will come down to is a team effort.that we work on reconciling, but really work on the marriage itself. and to get her to fall in love again...(good old "i love you but im not in love with you")


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

elph said:


> i agree with you. and the thing that i think about alot is if it would be easier to start a new relationship, without the trappings of the affair.
> 
> but then i think of all the little things between myself and my wife. the minute nuances that she and i pick up on. like a few weeks ago. ive developed a taste now for putting red pepper flakes on my pizza. when she brought me a few slices she made sure to included them. with out me asking. and like i said, a new development.
> 
> ...


You wooed her once with great success with relatively little knowledge of her... you can do it again with much more to work with!


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