# Not me



## Iamlost1234 (Apr 25, 2020)

I don't know how to start this so I am just going to get straight to the point/problem. My husband and I have been together for 21 years. We have had really good times and really bad times, where we both considered divorce. However, everything is fine except for sex. We have argued about everything from frequency, to positions, to oral and beyond. I an really old school and am not into all of the extra stuff, it is really a turn off to me and just seems gross and I think of myself as gross afterwards to the point where I dont even like to look at myself and often times will cry myself to sleep. Sometimes I think about hurting myself because he is so mean and mentally abusive when he doesn't get his way. So I end up doing stuff just to keep him happy, but the whole time I am talking to myself in my head to just get through it. He gets mad if I do not climax, but I just don't think I can control that, so then that means sometimes he gets his way and he is STILL angry and mean. I am so tired and scared because I don't want to divorce, but I really think that's the only smart thing to do. Please help....I am trying, I just dont like feeling so icky, those actions are just not me.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

What stuff is it that you do that you cry afterwards? Things that a mainstream, average couple would consider normal, or out of the average kinds of things? This information will help people give you advice and suggestions.


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## Iamlost1234 (Apr 25, 2020)

Awkward positions, BJ...I've explained how that makes me uncomfortable and I dont like it, but he turns it into, I don't love him and I am not with the right person because if I was I wouldn't mind doing it.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

That's a tough one. Because yes, there are some people who won't remain in a relationship if something they consider a basic sexual need, for them, isn't being met. On the other hand, you have been married for over two decades! 

Have you considered couples counseling, or a sex therapist to help you guys come to some understanding?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

First, your husband sounds like an asshole. 

Second, what happened to you that caused this reaction? Religious upbringing? Sex shaming? Sexual assault? 

There has to be _something_ for you to react in such an extreme way. This issue won't be resolved until the cause is. 

Sure, you could divorce your husband and find someone else but that isn't fixing the issue, just slapping on a (most likely temporary) bandaid.


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## Iamlost1234 (Apr 25, 2020)

Well he's not the therapy type. He actually didn't like the idea of my doctor recommending medication/therapy for me. So I accepted the medication for depression and anxiety, because I have stopped trying to explain my feelings and point of view to him and needed SOMETHING to help me cope. I do have a lot from my past and feel like I rushed alot when I was younger because things were not good for me at home and I made a lot of decisions just to get away. But now I feel like I am growing more into who I am and what I want my life to look like and it's not this raunchy sex life (not judging those who enjoy it). I just dont and don't want to do it.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Well, keep in mind that to you different positions and oral sex are "raunchy", but to a lot of people those things are a normal and average part of a sex life, not anything out of the ordinary or "raunchy".


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## Iamlost1234 (Apr 25, 2020)

I'm just saying that for me it is raunchy, but I dont disagree with anyone else doing it if that is what they want to do and I realize that it is normal, but I just feel like I am being made to do it and dont have a choice because he always says I'm his wife and I HAVE to do it and if I don't that means I dont love him or want to be with him. In that sense I feel trapped and like i dont have a choice and all of that makes me depressed and I hate myself...


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Stop doing things you don’t want to do. Tell him your done doing them. And understand that he might divorce you over it.


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## Iamlost1234 (Apr 25, 2020)

Girl power, that's exactly the path that I am thinking on. I just hate what it's going to do to the kids and wasting 2 decades....


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Iamlost1234 said:


> Girl power, that's exactly the path that I am thinking on. I just hate what it's going to do to the kids and wasting 2 decades....


Did you do these positions and oral sex early on in your relationship?


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## Iamlost1234 (Apr 25, 2020)

No, I did not. He said we did but I don't recall any of that. I think he got me confused with others, I've always been conservative sexuallt


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Being coerced to do things you don't want to is not loving. It also isn't something that is going to make you want to climax. When you say BJ's are we talking a normal BJ? or are we talking forcefully being face ****ed? And does he expect this to completion or as foreplay? How exactly are your supposed to orgasm? Does he participate in things that would make that happen like oral on you? toys? clitoral stimulation or are you supposed to magically orgasm from his penis in your mouth?

While people should be able to talk with their spouses about sexual desire coercion is not ok. Have you tried to find different things that you think you might like? How do you spice things up? What is your version of conservative sex? There will be plenty along to beat you up about lack of variety but you shouldn't ever be made to feel like you have to have sex. That being said sex is the glue that binds a marriage together. Do you enjoy sex with your husband in the past? Do you two have an acceptable frequency?


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## Iamlost1234 (Apr 25, 2020)

Frequency has been an issue and still is from time to time. But I just don't be in the mood because he makes it seem like I have no other choice and this is not my body because we are married. He saids things like I can touch your butt if I want to its mine and honestly I dont feel loved and like a wife a feel like a piece of property...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Iamlost1234 said:


> I don't know how to start this so I am just going to get straight to the point/problem. My husband and I have been together for 21 years. We have had really good times and really bad times, where we both considered divorce. However, everything is fine except for sex. We have argued about everything from frequency, to positions, to oral and beyond. I an really old school and am not into all of the extra stuff, it is really a turn off to me and just seems gross and I think of myself as gross afterwards to the point where I dont even like to look at myself and often times will cry myself to sleep. Sometimes I think about hurting myself because *h**e is so mean and mentally abusive when he doesn't get his way*. So I end up doing stuff just to keep him happy, but the whole time I am talking to myself in my head to just get through it. *He gets mad if I do not climax*, but I just don't think I can control that, so then that means sometimes he gets his way and he is STILL angry and mean. I am so tired and scared because I don't want to divorce, but I really think that's the only smart thing to do. Please help....I am trying, I just dont like feeling so icky, those actions are just not me.


What on earth would make him think that you would even want to have sex with him? His behavior is just wrong.

Did you two know about this incompatibility before you married? How long into your marriage did he start acting like this and trying to push you into doing things that you are not comfortable doing?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Iamlost1234 said:


> Frequency has been an issue and still is from time to time. But I just don't be in the mood because he makes it seem like I have no other choice and this is not my body because we are married. He saids things like I can touch your butt if I want to its mine and honestly I dont feel loved and like a wife a feel like a piece of property...


Does he act like, mean & angry, about other things? If so, what else sets him off?


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## Iamlost1234 (Apr 25, 2020)

Yes very mean and angry, I get the cold shoulder and I just cry, then I take my depression and anxiety meds, I just feel so alone and cornered and the only thing that helps is I give in to his demands, but then I am just battling myself. I really dont think there's any hope but divorce, but I'm scared and ashamed...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have children with him?

Has he ever hit you, pushed or grabbed you in anger? When he is angry, does he do things like punch walls, band on furnature, or throw things?

Why do you resist divorcing him? 

Do you have a job?


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## Iamlost1234 (Apr 25, 2020)

I have 3 kids and a very good job. I could actually take care of everything myself if I had to. The thing that is holding me is guilt and shame because I dont want to put my kids through that. He has been aggressive/violent but only in the beginning. Like the first 4 or 5 years, however he will never admit any of it has happened when we talk about it. I really *just don't even know how to start the divorce conversation with him. I NEED help...


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Fear, anxiety, guilt, depression---misery. You have nothing for which to be ashamed. If you are scared of him, you need to leave. If you are scared of the future alone---you still need to leave. No one is meant to stay in an abusive relationship!!

We cross posted. Kids deserve peace, not chaos. Start with a conversation with a really good lawyer.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Listen.

This is abuse you’ve been living with. You’re having traumatic responses to sex because you’ve been traumatized. This is not normal, this is not ok, and you need to get yourself out of there.

I’m seeing PTSD all over the place here and all of the key indicators of sexual trauma - probably amongst many others.

Get away from him. Get into therapy. Please.


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## Iamlost1234 (Apr 25, 2020)

Thanks everyone for all of your replies and letting me know that I am not just being over dramatic. It helps.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Iamlost1234 said:


> Thanks everyone for all of your replies and letting me know that I am not just being over dramatic. It helps.


There’s a book you might want to check out - it’s called “The Body Keeps the Score.”


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

What is your next step?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Iamlost1234 said:


> I have 3 kids and a very good job. I could actually take care of everything myself if I had to. The thing that is holding me is guilt and shame because I dont want to put my kids through that. He has been aggressive/violent but only in the beginning. Like the first 4 or 5 years, however he will never admit any of it has happened when we talk about it. I really *just don't even know how to start the divorce conversation with him. I NEED help...


You say that " He has been aggressive/violent but only in the beginning". The things you talked about in your first post is is current, right?

How old are your children?

With this going on, your children are already being harmed. You standing up for yourself and getting a divorce will teach your children that they do not have to put up with being disrespected and mistreated in a marriage. 

Right now don't talk to him about a divorce. You first need to get your things in order. 

Are you familiar with the divorce laws in your state?

What kind of support system do you have? Friends? Extended family?


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## Iamlost1234 (Apr 25, 2020)

Honestly, as far as a lawyer I don't think that would be necessary. My problem was seeing if I was wrong for feeling the way I do. He always makes me think I am wrong and dont care about him. My main concern is the kids because when I say I hide alot NOONE knows my reality. People at work, friends, family, everyone thinks I am over the moon happy. My kids talk often about how happy they are that they have parents still together because they have so many friends that don't have that. So you see while I now know what is happening to me is not right, I don't want to be the monster or bad person that turns everyone's world upside down.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Is he good to you at all?


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## Iamlost1234 (Apr 25, 2020)

Yes he is. It just all changes and there's always these huge blow ups and then he treats me differently until I give in, hence me doing things I don't like or want to do. So that's why I feel conflicted because noone knows this side but me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Iamlost1234 said:


> Yes he is. It just all changes and there's always these huge blow ups and then he treats me differently until I give in, hence me doing things I don't like or want to do. So that's why I feel conflicted because noone knows this side but me.


Look up the term "cycle of abuse". Very very few of abusive people are abuser 100% of the time. After all if they were everyone would run away from them.

So they have a blow up. Once that's over they will treat their partner/spouse ok. That's until they feel safe enough to have another blowup. It's about control. He maintains control by keeping you feeling the way you do. 

Most abusers only act this way behind closed doors at home. The fact that he does not act like this at work, with friends, etc, means that he has 100% control over his behavior.

You need to build a support system of people who know what's going on. A counselor who specializes in victims of abuse would be a good idea. Find one or two trusted friends and/or extended family members and confide in them. 

One of the best ways to get him to stop these antics is for him to know that if he acts like that, others will know.

You said that " He always makes me think I am wrong and dont care about him. " He cannot make you feel anything. It's your own self doubt that causes you to doubt yourself when he does this. Your self doubt is something you need to work on with a counselor.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I think you need to make a promise to yourself that from now on you will not do something you don’t want to do. Even if he gets mad and yells. Do not give in.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)




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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Iamlost1234, 

I posted the cycle of abuse image above so you could get a visualization of the concept. The idea is that there is kind of a somewhat predictable pattern to this: the stage where the abuser (could be a male or a female) does the actual abusing...the stage where they are sorry and promise it won't happen again...the stage where tensions mount and it's like walking on eggshells...leading back to the stage where the abuser does the actual abusing. I also included both the abuser's side and the victim's side (although I don't love the word "victim"...maybe "abusee" is better) so that you might recognize "Oh yeah I identify with this" or "Ah I get that!" 

The thing that was the biggest shock to me, as a survivor of abuse, was that I always thought if I wasn't punched or hit--some kind of physical thing to leave a bruise or hurt me--then it wasn't abuse! Imagine my surprise to discover that there are physical abuses OTHER THAN punching, such as pushing, shaking, slapping, blocking OR THREATENING to do physical harm if they don't get their way!! Physical abuse is an act where one person uses their body in order to inflict (or threaten to inflict) intentional harm or injury upon another person. 

In addition to physical abuse, there are also other abuses that can be just as damaging: emotional abuse (which is also called psychological abuse), verbal abuse, financial abuse, sexual abuse, and even spiritual abuse. Now you may wonder how these things could be "abuse" and what they all mean, but I can give you an easy way to think about it: any time that someone uses ANYTHING to force another or threaten another into doing what they do not want to do...that is abuse. Emotional/psychological abuse is when you use guilt or fear or someone's feelings to force them to do things they don't want to do...or doing psychological harm by claiming they are crazy, they have issues, or they need counseling when really you are just covering up your own bad choices! Verbal abuse is using your words to call names, belittle, or humiliate. Financial abuse is keeping your money away from your partner so they will do what you tell them to do! Sexual abuse is what you are experiencing--sex should be sharing of mutual love, care and desire not being forced to do sexual acts you find raunchy. And spiritual abuse might be using someone's religion to force them to "submit" or bible thumping and twisting it to get your own way.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Iamlost1234 said:


> Thanks everyone for all of your replies and letting me know that I am not just being over dramatic. It helps.


As your title states, it's not you.

Make a plan and leave.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Reading ACs post, reminded me when we attended a friend's party. Started talking with another couple, he was talking more at first, my spidey senses started to tingle at the underlying frustration and resentment he was expressing around his job (well-paid exec). My conversation moved to dialogue with her more and we were hitting it off, lots of laughter. Silly photos among the girlfriends started (she was part of the group, I only knew a couple of people), where they encouraged her to join in. What I noticed as time progressed was how he seemed to be getting her away from the group. It's hard to explain in type, but he seemed to be casually intercepting her interactions until they were together but separate from the rest. Afterwards, I asked my friend (host) about them. She commented how lovely her friend is, which I agreed. I couldn't resist asking about their relationship, and given this was a close friend I was talking with, expressed my spidey sensed feeling. Yes, he had been abusive to his wife 'but they went through therapy, he's doing much better and she's feeling happier..' My internal response after observing the interaction was 'hmmm...'


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## DeEva (Apr 28, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Well, keep in mind that to you different positions and oral sex are "raunchy", but to a lot of people those things are a normal and average part of a sex life, not anything out of the ordinary or "raunchy".


I agree with you


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