# when to forgive?



## royalcoachman (Mar 7, 2013)

I have recently found out ( 5 days ago) my wife of 2.5 years has been having an affair with a co-worker. Totally floored me. I have a good support network and we are going to counseling but not living together at this moment. We have agreed to move along and try and repair things as best as we can, but I am severely struggling with everything. Any advice to a young man whose world is crushed?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Any kids?

Why is she cheating after such a short length of marriage?

Is she still working with that coworker? Did she stop screwing him?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

How did you find out? Did she own up and ask for forgiveness? Do you know what you need to know to move on? Was it a ONS or a longer affair? 

Is her AP married? Don't be too hasty to whitewash this affair. The last thing you want is to think back on these days 20 yrs from now and lament that you didn't act differently.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Why did she do it? Would she do it again?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

What WOM said. You are at a crossroads of your life with two very distinct paths ahead of you. An affair this early is a bad sign.

You were already separated? IF yes, was it separated with the agreement to see others?

Ages of you and wife?
kids?
length of relationship?
How did you find out?
Length of affair?

I am assuming you mean PIV sex affair not emotional affair. Correct?

Whatever you do NEVER look weak or beg. It makes you look bad in her eyes and the OM better.

BTW she has to get a new job for reconciling.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What exactly do you mean by 'forgiveness'? 

Is your counselor familiar with infidelity and it's unique challenges? If not, they could do more harm than good.

Please read the newbie link in my signature. There are very specific things your wife MUST do before you even consider reconciling with her.

Have you been STD tested?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

royalcoachman said:


> I have recently found out ( 5 days ago) my wife of 2.5 years has been having an affair with a co-worker. Totally floored me. I have a good support network and we are going to counseling but not living together at this moment. We have agreed to move along and try and repair things as best as we can, but I am severely struggling with everything. Any advice to a young man whose world is crushed?


My first advice is to give us all the details of what happened. Not only will that help us give you better advice, but you may find the act of writing it out helps you as well.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

royalcoachman said:


> I have recently found out ( 5 days ago) my wife of 2.5 years has been having an affair with a co-worker. Totally floored me. I have a good support network and we are going to counseling but not living together at this moment. We have agreed to move along and try and repair things as best as we can, but I am severely struggling with everything. Any advice to a young man whose world is crushed?


When you use the words "move along" that is quite worrisome.

Please give us more info like your ages, how long you have known each other. Your occupations.

Keep posting.


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## royalcoachman (Mar 7, 2013)

All kinds of questions to be answered. No kids thankfully. Yes she is still working with him but my line in the sand is she needs to find a new job soon. I guess a total breakdown in communicating and having opposite schedules, not making time with one another, all kinds of other issues. She has said the affair is over, but I find it very difficult to believe her. Took a personal day from work and going to the docs to be tested. She has said that I probably don't need the test.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you're not living together, how are you trying to make this work? I would forgive immediately but that doesn't mean I would remain in a bad situation. If she couldn't stay faithful longer than 2.5 years, she'd have to be some sort of magical person for me to invest another day in her. Maybe if she could spin straw into gold, but an affair in such short a time doesn't say much about her potential as a wife or mother.


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## royalcoachman (Mar 7, 2013)

I found out b/c she told me. I want to make this work but is inviting her back into our home so soon a sign of weakness?


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## royalcoachman (Mar 7, 2013)

I'm 36 and she is 33. I work as a teacher. She is a waitress.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

If she told you this, probably someone blackmailed her. Possibly the co-workers significant other? In other words she's not sincere with her confession but was pressured to do so.

I also don't see how you can forgive her while in essence she could still be cheating everyday she goes to work.

To be honest anyone that cheats 2.5 years into a marriage, without kids or anything else that causes hardship isn't worth keeping. She is likely to cheat on you again in the future. Are you willing to stay with someone that will regularly cheat on you?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

royalcoachman said:


> She is a waitress.


This is not going to end well.

Are you sure there is only one guy she is sleeping with?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Have you read the newbie link?

Also read the 180 link in keko's signature.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Waitress is right behind bar tender in cheating opportunities. Sigh.

IT was a physical affair right?
You are separated not living together? before affair? after?


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## royalcoachman (Mar 7, 2013)

Positive this is the only guy she has slept with. I'm new to this forum and don't understand all the terminology like PIV.


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## royalcoachman (Mar 7, 2013)

We separated after I found out. I asked her to leave. No she is staying at a girl friend's house five miles down the rd sleeping on a mattress on the floor with all her clothes in plastic tubs. I bar tend in the summer and would never cheat on my spouse. The guy is a scumbag.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

You cannot work on a marriage when you are separated. This just gave her space to carry on the affair.

She should have quit the job immediately. Then look for another one.

One must go NC and withdraw. Withdrawal takes around two months of full NC. Breaking of NC for any reason start the clock of withrawal over again.

So no, her moving out and staying at work are two of the worst possible things to do if you want to R.

Forgiveness and taking someone back are two different things.

Forgiveness is not a do over. Your marriage will never be the same.

That said you have no kids. She did this after only 2 years!? You have no idea if this was the first time.

Move along sounds like rug sweeping.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

royalcoachman said:


> Positive this is the only guy she has slept with. I'm new to this forum and don't understand all the terminology like PIV.


PIV is Penis In Vagina.

How can you be so sure. How would you have answered this before she told you? Where and when did they have sex? How do you know she is not still having sex with him?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

PIV = penetrative (penis in vajay)
ONS = one night stand
OM = other man POSOM = HER other man

Was it a ONS? 
As long as she works there - it's likely that he bragged to others if they already didn't know. So, she must leave that job ASAP. 

Was she drunk? On drugs? it takes some kind of nerve and sense of entitlement to betray a mate of less than 3 years while stone cold sober.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

royalcoachman said:


> I found out b/c she told me. I want to make this work but is inviting her back into our home so soon a sign of weakness?


I know it's difficult but the first step is to decide whether you are willing to try and reconcile with her. If you are, let her move back in. Living apart only furthers her opportunity to carry on the affair. Right now you're living in that limbo world which is the worst place to be.

So as soon as you can, you need to go one direction or the other. If you want divorce, detach from her and start working on it. 

If you want a "chance" at R - then we can give you a "nuts and bolts" approach to how to best proceed. Step by step.

So first, tell us what you want to do.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Not even married 3 years? That will be a tough r take your time.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

royalcoachman said:


> Positive this is the only guy she has slept with.


How so?

After all you didn't find it yourself and you're going by the word of your wife, a cheater.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> You cannot work on a marriage when you are separated. This just gave her space to carry on the affair.


I agree with everything you said, Entropy, except this part.

Of course I'm biased, because it worked really well for me, but kicking the WS out and their subsequent behaviour is, I think, a really good indicator of the chances of R succeeding. If they DO just carry on the affair, you have your answer. If they don't, and take it as a wake up call and start doing what they should, then you can consider letting them move home.


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

Feel Sorry for you. I was in the same situation 20 years ago. I didn't take any action (No internet that time. No support). I am still repenting for not taking any firm stand. The affairs never stopped.

She is Waitress - does she need to work overnight? I think this job itself is a big temptation for all kinds of affairs.

Any signs of remorse/guilt feeling from her?


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

I'm so sorry.What to hell is wrong with some people!!
They say I do and sign a marriage certificate and don't have a clue what it really means.

Well this may be harsh,but she had an affair after only 2.5 years.
It might hurt but divorce her.I'm old school and think if you
gave in once that you will do it again.

Anything the first time is always the hardest.
After that its much easier to do it again.
For me, if my wife cheated,I could never truly 
have full trust and peace again if I stayed
with her.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

keko said:


> If she told you this, probably someone blackmailed her. Possibly the co-workers significant other? In other words she's not sincere with her confession but was pressured to do so.
> 
> *This is technically not true just assumption. She could of told him out of remorse*..
> 
> ...


I think this is the most damning comment. He hits the nail on the head hear.. Your in the shock and aw phase at the moment, your are not gonna be thinking logically and are going to be in desperation mode to save your marriage. I was.. You need to step back like someone told me and read what you write and what everyone else writes and try to look at it from outside looking inn. 2.5 years not kids. Not good man.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Questions that you should consider asking your wife about this OM:

1) When did the affair start?
2) How did you meet the OM (at the restaurant, somewhere else?)
3) Did you know the OM before you two were married

I would say that if your wife knew the guy prior to the two of you getting married, it's quite possible that she has been sleeping with this guy since day 1 of your marriage. This may have been during the entire marriage. 

You need to strongly consider what you can live with prior to ensuring that you want to reconcile with her. As others have pointed out, there needs to be a list of demands that she MUST comply with before a recovery is even possible. But at the same time, you need to look deep into yourself to see if you have the stomach to stay married knowing that she was with cheating on you with someone else. 

JMHO, but if you ever find out that the other guy was part of her life since day 1 of your marriage - do not even consider reconciling with this woman.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

I don't know if this will help, but I was going to reconcile at first too. However, as time went on (my DDay was 3 months ago TODAY!) I still had nagging feelings. The questions I had to ask myself, and the one that has pointed me in the direction of divorce is this - Can you live with never knowing the full truth? (because you NEVER will) and Are you willing to trust him again. The answer to both is a big NO! I admire those who have the strength to work through it, but I do not. To this day I am scouring the computer, phone records, his phone, ANYTHING to dig up more information. I still obsess over it. It SUCKS! But, it also goes back to wanting the total truth and knowing that I will never get it. 
If you can live with never knowing the full story, and if you can genuinely trust her again, then it might be worth a try. If you can't - don't delay the inevitable. As much as you are hurting now, you will hurt more, especially if you find out MORE (like I did) after you attempt reconciliation. It's like jabbing a knife in a fresh, painful wound. 
You don't have kids together, so that makes the process easier. You don't have the pain and guilt of walking away from a marriage and having to explain to a confused child why mommy and daddy aren't together anymore. I think that, of all of this, is what kills me the most. 
I hope and pray for you to be strong, because you are going to need it. And you WILL survive this.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

ScorchedEarth said:


> I don't know if this will help, but I was going to reconcile at first too. However, as time went on (my DDay was 3 months ago TODAY!) I still had nagging feelings. The questions I had to ask myself, and the one that has pointed me in the direction of divorce is this - Can you live with never knowing the full truth? (because you NEVER will) and Are you willing to trust him again. The answer to both is a big NO! I admire those who have the strength to work through it, but I do not. To this day I am scouring the computer, phone records, his phone, ANYTHING to dig up more information. I still obsess over it. It SUCKS! But, it also goes back to wanting the total truth and knowing that I will never get it.
> If you can live with never knowing the full story, and if you can genuinely trust her again, then it might be worth a try. If you can't - don't delay the inevitable. As much as you are hurting now, you will hurt more, especially if you find out MORE (like I did) after you attempt reconciliation. It's like jabbing a knife in a fresh, painful wound.
> You don't have kids together, so that makes the process easier. You don't have the pain and guilt of walking away from a marriage and having to explain to a confused child why mommy and daddy aren't together anymore. I think that, of all of this, is what kills me the most.
> I hope and pray for you to be strong, because you are going to need it. And you WILL survive this.


I am close to the same here. But im not willing to give up yet cause my love for my wife is still very strong. But im at 3 months also. Im giving myself till after the summer if i still cling to the same things explained up above i might start considering this same action. 

She is right you don't have kids and that is big. You still can pull out and all your left with is pain. A child is just a constant reminder of what you had and what has happened to you. Least thats how i view it.. I know i would look at my little boy and see this whole thing over and over again every time id get to see him if i was to leave my wife. So im doing everything to try and forgive her. If i did not have a child, *trust me id be gone*. 

But you need to really come to terms with this and vision the feature. Can you really ever trust this women again. Its only been 2 1/2 years and she is already unhappy enough with something to do this. What happens 5 years, 7 year, 12 years down the road. The problem is you don't know.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

She has shown u who she really is. Do you really believe she can be faithful for 40 more yrs?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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