# You will live. Trust me.



## mike82 (Oct 24, 2011)

Been off of here for along time. Im checking in because when I was on here a couple years ago it was very rare to see updates of people who had went to hell and lived to tell the tale. I went thru my ex wife of 7 yrs leaving me for another man. 3 kids involved. My sons are 10,8,7 now. 3 years ago it was almost a breaking point for me. Such betreyel. So much heartache and adjustment. Went from having kids grab me as I entered the door to an empty home. Looking back I think that was the hardest. A house full of life noisey and crazyness went to so silent u could hear a mouse piss on cotton. That first year was bad. Really bad. If u are now where I was then just hang in there. It will get better. Been 3 full years since my ex wife said she loved another man. I shook his hand today. First time I saw him since everything went down. Hated him and wanted to beat him up for about 2 years. Got passed it a year ago. We never see each other because my ex lives at her moms. He's made a point to not be around when I am. Saw him today and was very cordial. Truth is I don't give a ****. she is his problem now. I wish them nothing but the best(makes my life easier if she's happy) my kids rarely see him. He's a single guy with no kids. Kind of a good situation for him cause he and her live kidless every weekend. Bottom line is this. I got myself a good girl 2 years ago, I'm really happy. Same time I could be single and just as happy because at the end of the day **** it. If someone doesn't want u, don't fight at all. I wish I could go back in time and cut out all the begging and I love yous. If I could go back in time, I would go back to the day she told me I love someone else and I would be like "ok cool. Sounds good. Wish more than anything I had been like that and had that attitude. Whatever u are going thru you will heal. Doesn't sound good now I know. I really do. Pick yourself up and fight. The best advice I can give is to use this time to become who u want to be. Use it as motivation to say "I'm going to live my life and be happy" **** this. I took a rocky approach like how he had Drago on a mirror in rocky 4. I got into great shape and became stronger. I look back at my down time 3 yrs ago and actually appreciate it now. Sounds crazy even as I type but it was almost a fond time in my life. I became who I am today when I went thru that hell. For whatever strange reason I really look back and say to myself wow. I had fun thru that time period. Sure as hell didn't seem like it then but I had a few woman do walk of shames out of my house, had all night casino trips with the boys and many times that I was alone, walking the beach as the sun came up. Many drunken nights watching movies alone. All of that got me to this point. I shook the hand of a man who I was slightly friends with, that betrayed me and took my wife. And it felt great. That handshake gave me a final peace. It was the final step. To everyone out there hurting get to a point when u can forgive whoever did u wrong. U will never heal if u don't. Carrying around hate will weigh u down. Forgiving someone isn't about them, it's about you. And a necessary step if u ever want to recover. I look back on the toughest days of my life with fondness, wish I could relive them again because I really found myself. Made me who I am now. Food for thought for anyone going thru hell.... Wish I could go back in time and be just as cold as my walk away spouse and be like cool. I would give a year off my life to go back and be emotionless just like she was, cause I fought hard and cried a lot of tears. Stand tall everyone, no matter what u go thru u will be ok. It will mold u into a better person
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## legaleagle (Dec 29, 2014)

Thank you. Your message helped a lot. I am going through this now.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

I second this.
Life can and WILL get better for you.
Time will heal the hurt and the disappointment and you will mourn the loss of your vision of the future in your own way.
You will mourn the loss of “us” that was between you and your partner.

You will return to the self that was yours before you chose to merge with another. In many ways you will not recognize yourself after all is said and done.
When I think of the person I was just before the divorce, I can scarcely recognize myself.

If you do the work and learn from your mistakes as well as theirs, you will emerge a better person with more to offer than before. 
Your psychological “armor” will be much lighter, yet oddly more effective because you need less of it.

If you don’t do the work and merely put on more armor, then you will continue to be weighed down by your past…not a great place to be.

If you are in a dark place right now…stop.
Let the darkness surround you and surrender to it.
Let it try to kill you as you so fear it will.
Once you calm down a bit, you will see that all it can do is darken you and shroud you in itself.
It cannot kill you and it is merely darkness.

Then tell yourself “This darkness is just darkness. It cannot kill me and I will seek the light, but if I want to I can rest right here in the darkness.”

The ultimate truth is that the light will eventually return if you want it to. 
You CAN choose to stay in the dark.
I have met people who seem more comfortable there than in the light…but the light is a pretty good place to be in. 
Sure you see all your flaws and such, but we all have flaws…why hide them?

It seems like the three year mark is when a good many people can turn around and be okay with things.
I found it was sooner for me, but it still jumps up from time to time.

Everyone will be different…but the end result is nearly always the same.
You will survive this…and the chances are good that you will come out of this a better person.

So grab that pain, use it to grow, and make sure that the pain gets used FOR you and not against you.
You will be glad you did.


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## Overat50 (Jan 26, 2015)

Im going to have to print and tape to my bathroom mirror! This is awesome and Im happy for you and that you shared. Im definitely in the darkness, but don't want to be. I realize that I have to go through it. Yes, I'm real afraid, but when I get over that fear there has to be something really good there. I'm sure counting on it!! It really sucks right now though.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Sound advice Mike, but like you I learned it the hard way. I am glad that I never found OM as I am sure I would have done something stupid. I finally came to the conclusion that he never promised me anything, nor did he do anything she did not allow him to do. She was not brain washed, coerced, she made a decision. Later I realized that it had nothing to do with me or even the OM, who was a placeholder. In my case it was all about her, still is to this day. It is unfortunate, but she has turned out to be her own worse enemy and I found a woman that has supported me for many years. 

Again you are correct, begging and pleading is weak and completely unproductive. If they want someone else, it would not be worth it to me to go through the pain again. Spend your time making a healthier and better you, it is worth the effort. I do still kick myself for overlooking those huge red flags that was obvious to others. Premarital counseling was worth every penny and made us look at things we had not considered. By taking off the rose colored glasses I was able to see better the second time around.


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## legaleagle (Dec 29, 2014)

Once again, thanks for your update. I read it again this morning and I can really feel a dramatic change in the way I have been dealing with my own situation. Best of luck to you.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Picked this up from one of your other threads...



mike82 said:


> I recently heard from a third party that she waited a year and a half for him to start a relationship with her but he never did.He gave her the run around. Aparently she was infuriated.(karma maybe lol)she threw our marriage away for a man that never wanted to be with her.


Sooo... 3 years have passed and your ex is _still_ living w/ her mother?

And, to boot, she's not been able to convince OM to "put a ring on it"?

Sounds like she's doing great.

:smthumbup:


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

"Walk of shame" means what exactly? A strange woman gets up in the morning and has to meet your kids for breakfast? Naw, can't be that.

Anyway you got over it and moved on. Inspirational.


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## needing_affection (Jan 2, 2012)

Wow, thanks so much mike82. I am in that dark place right now, but what you wrote gives me hope. Thank you


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## hurtinginohio (Nov 18, 2014)

Thank you!! This has been a rough week for me so far, it seems every time I make progress, bam I get set back again. Knowing there is light at the end of the tunnel is what gets me out of bed every day.


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

Thanks so much for your post Mike82. I have read your old posts and i'm going thru a similar situation , it hurst everyday having my family torn. Every day is a constant struggle, there are better days but right now i'm hurting very bad.

How can someone throw a family away, not think of the consequences, only in their own "happiness and selfish reasons"

I can't prove my STXW had an EA but everything i find out gives me more reason to belieive this, all the phone calls, change of attitude, the "i need space to clear my head and know my true feelings for you", God i was so stupid and blind and didn't see it. 

Your post gives me hope too, but i know the scar will always be there, sepcially having a son in the middle who will never have memories of mom and dad together, we cheated him of that oportunity, he deserved better, that breaks my heart evertime i think about it. His selfish mom would rather break our family, sell our condo and finish it all that putting some effort into MC or whatever was needed to at least say "we tried son", "we did everything we could to make it work, but couldn't", we will never know, she deprived us of that opportinity and it pisses me off.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Class of 2013 here... Mike is right, there is life after a D. I can tell you, you will 

find happiness. I dated a gal after D, it's over now but it was a magical ride.

You have to put yourself out there....mingle...go to a gym.....trust me it will

not be long before you find a few other guys in the same situation.

Hang out, have a few beers, talk about your ex g/fs (not the XW) 

Don't give up....heII I made it, so will you. My backstories are on here


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

I admire you a lot and I'm so glad that you are happy now! Things do get better, it takes some time, but they do.


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