# dont know what to do.



## GIVEMEADVICE (Apr 23, 2012)

hi 

first post on here so here goes.

my wife of 3 years left me two weeks ago and sent me packing to my mums keeping the two kids with her.

we had been togther for 9 years we are both 30, it has always been a rocky relasionship but i THOUGHT we loved each other, 3 months before we were to get married she had an emotional affair which led to a kiss and she left me, we worked it out and i thought i could carry on as normal, i couldnt and was very paranoid for the last two years as i realised that i never saw it coming.

now she has left me again and says she doesnt love me anymore and that i have made her life hell for the last two years, i began to blame myself for the paranoia but then realised why i was paranoid, she never came near me was very nasty to me when we rowed always saying really hurtful stuff and never taking it back, i have since found out that two weeks prior to her leaving she had been texting another guy all was above board apart from one msg asking to meet up. i know nothing happened but the intention was there.

i am now left in the situation where i am pining for her , but i dont know why as she has hurt me over and over not just the texts but the things she says. i have tried and tried to get her to even consider us, but she is adamant that she wants no more to with me apart from the kids. i feel completly lost and dont know what to do , i am thinking about her all the time but cant seem to let go . the thought of her meeting someone new kills me inside, and she i walking around with what seems without a care in the world, 
:scratchhead:
i am stuck 
advice would be greatly appreciated


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

I know this may not be terribly helpful, but I just wanted to say that I empathize with how you feel. I am 33 and my husband left me two weeks ago. No idea why, other than the mountain of resentment and anger that had been building up for years because he has never taken on any financial responsibility (either too picky about job options when unemployed, or making very little money while employed.) It is easy for him to blame me now because I put so much pressure on him to "grow up". Even though I know I have always been the mature one, trying to improve our relationship and be constructive, his anger (and silence -- oh the horrible silence!) that he has toward me makes me feel awful. The worst part is that i miss him -- the days on end without word from him make me feel like crawling into a hole and never coming out.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MyselfAgain said:


> I know this may not be terribly helpful, but I just wanted to say that I empathize with how you feel. I am 33 and my husband left me two weeks ago. No idea why, other than the mountain of resentment and anger that had been building up for years because he has never taken on any financial responsibility (either too picky about job options when unemployed, or making very little money while employed.) It is easy for him to blame me now because I put so much pressure on him to "grow up". Even though I know I have always been the mature one, trying to improve our relationship and be constructive, his anger (and silence -- oh the horrible silence!) that he has toward me makes me feel awful. The worst part is that i miss him -- the days on end without word from him make me feel like crawling into a hole and never coming out.


Myself Again,

What was your husband's childhood like?


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Myself Again,
> 
> What was your husband's childhood like?


He was adopted at birth by lovely people who are very intelligent, disciplined, professional and loving. I found out from them a few weeks ago that as a small child he expressed that he felt his birth mother had thrown him away. They tried to get him counseling, his adoptive mom is even a psychologist, but he would not talk to anyone about it. As an adult he is just as close-lipped, answers any question about feelings with "I don't know." Not healthy. Wish I had known this before marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

First of all please forgive yourself. We cannot always help who we fall in love with. And, in the rush of "new love", we tend to airbrush many things that come back with a vengeance later.

My wife was adopted also. I'm an adoptive father of 2. I've had a ringside seat at the differing responses by adopted children. They always wonder about birthparents and feel rejection to a certain degree. How could they not?

What little you've described of his behavior towards you (ie: the lack of commitment to doing anything different and the anger when confronted) likely indicates he's emotionally broken from his convictions of being abandoned. Emotionally broken people react like children, as that's where they're stuck - at the age where they weren't able to handle the pain.

He's likely known what you've wanted for years, but has been secretly angry with you because he's simply terrified to actually submit to a woman or to trust one. He likely has deep seated trust issues. He perceives people who should not have hurt him DID hurt him a long time ago. You are likely the stand-in for his anger towards them.

Marriage counseling is not what he needs.

Individual counseling IS what he needs - with a focus on his interactions with you - and how he can get past his own anger and the resulting dismissal of your needs in your relationship.

If people aren't honest in therapy, it goes nowhere. Then they end up repeating the same old mistakes for the rest of their lives. They are miserable and they blame everyone but themselves.

The people that hurt him aren't here.

Now, he's paying it forward.

It can stop here. But, he's going to need to fix himself. He's the only one that can.

So, quit thinking there's "something" you can do that will make him become who you want him to be. When you took responsibility for this, it turned counterproductive.

And, please quit blaming yourself. His issues are his alone.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Conrad said:


> First of all please forgive yourself. We cannot always help who we fall in love with. And, in the rush of "new love", we tend to airbrush many things that come back with a vengeance later.
> 
> My wife was adopted also. I'm an adoptive father of 2. I've had a ringside seat at the differing responses by adopted children. They always wonder about birthparents and feel rejection to a certain degree. How could they not?
> 
> ...


Wow. That is right on! He has treated his parents with little respect at times, and they are very stubborn people too, but they gave him every opportunity to make something of himself and he continues to blame others for his failures in life. He probably spent his childhood transferring his anger to his parents, and now does so toward me. I agree that IC is the best thing for him. Unfortunately he left me a month ago, so I can't do anything. It is difficult ignoring my instinct to want to help him, even now when he has walked out. I know intelligently that I have done nothing to deserve this, I have been encouraging, supportive, giving, loving. Taken advantage of. For some reason I just can not seem to get angry, and I kinda wish I could. I just feel robbed of my love and the man who told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Trust me.

When he said it, he likely meant it.

But... take a hard look at how he handled work and likely everything else.

He has the ability to follow-through of a 4 year old child.

That is likely his current emotional age.

4 year olds get very angry and frustrated when their parents expect things from them. They throw tantrums and shift blame.

Sound familiar?


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

I think it is so wonderful that you have adopted children...though I want biological kids someday, I have often fantasized about adopting an older child. My mother passed away when I was 13, leaving me with a physically and emotionally absent father, and I have always felt strongly about helping other cope. This didn't play into my marriage, by the way (didn't know about adoption until years into dating) but perhaps it does make me feel for him. How did adoption play into your experience with your wife?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Conrad said:


> He has the ability to follow-through of a 4 year old child.
> 
> That is likely his current emotional age.
> 
> ...


OH. MY. G-D. Yes! I married a 4 year old.  He doesn't throw tantrums, he shuts down. Close enough though. Can that even be treated in IC? Seems kind of unlikely to ever change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Do you think my H could have BPD??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## myheartem1 (May 9, 2012)

u kind of sound like me... but i haven't reached the divorce yet. my husband of 2 years already acts like im nothing to him.he would rather do things alone, and CERTAINLY blames me for all his failures and losses. but see i go through this every day and he always tells me he wants out and your ex sounds like shes a little careless as well. my best advice to u from personal experience.. is maybe you deserve better. MAYBE she really doesn't care. like my husband, something has made him hate me on and off and i dont know exactly why but things such as lying and infidelity can certainly make someone such as ourselves extremely bitter and slowly deteriorate a marriage. im sorry for what your going through, bur as i do every day all i know what to do is to sit here and wait just hoping something will change or hoping this will end so that the pain can just go away already. whatever happens if it is really over, stay strong believe in yourself and she's truly losing someone who genuinely loves her. i wish my husband felt this way about me, if i were to leave him. good luck


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MyselfAgain said:


> OH. MY. G-D. Yes! I married a 4 year old.  He doesn't throw tantrums, he shuts down. Close enough though. Can that even be treated in IC? Seems kind of unlikely to ever change.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He has to want to change it.

But, it can be done.

Guess who cannot make him do it?

What you can do is realize that it's impossible to love it out of him or to indulge it. Both are formulas for disaster.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

myheartem1 said:


> u kind of sound like me... but i haven't reached the divorce yet. my husband of 2 years already acts like im nothing to him.he would rather do things alone, and CERTAINLY blames me for all his failures and losses. but see i go through this every day and he always tells me he wants out and your ex sounds like shes a little careless as well. my best advice to u from personal experience.. is maybe you deserve better. MAYBE she really doesn't care. like my husband, something has made him hate me on and off and i dont know exactly why but things such as lying and infidelity can certainly make someone such as ourselves extremely bitter and slowly deteriorate a marriage. im sorry for what your going through, bur as i do every day all i know what to do is to sit here and wait just hoping something will change or hoping this will end so that the pain can just go away already. whatever happens if it is really over, stay strong believe in yourself and she's truly losing someone who genuinely loves her. i wish my husband felt this way about me, if i were to leave him. good luck


Thanks for commiserating...I am actually the wife.  I guess all I can do is reiterate to my husbands parents that he needs therapy, and move on. I love him but can't out my life on hold for a man who walked out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

myheartem1 said:


> u kind of sound like me... but i haven't reached the divorce yet. my husband of 2 years already acts like im nothing to him.he would rather do things alone, and CERTAINLY blames me for all his failures and losses. but see i go through this every day and he always tells me he wants out and your ex sounds like shes a little careless as well. my best advice to u from personal experience.. is maybe you deserve better. MAYBE she really doesn't care. like my husband, something has made him hate me on and off and i dont know exactly why but things such as lying and infidelity can certainly make someone such as ourselves extremely bitter and slowly deteriorate a marriage. im sorry for what your going through, bur as i do every day all i know what to do is to sit here and wait just hoping something will change or hoping this will end so that the pain can just go away already. whatever happens if it is really over, stay strong believe in yourself and she's truly losing someone who genuinely loves her. i wish my husband felt this way about me, if i were to leave him. good luck


Do you know what to do with defiant people?

Give them what they want.

Let them experience the consequences of their actions.

It's the only way for them to learn.

If you try to steer around it, buffer, or protect? Or better yet make an emotional appeal and try to "win" the argument?

LOL


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Conrad said:


> He has to want to change it.
> 
> But, it can be done.
> 
> ...


Agreed. Indulging has gone on for too much of our marriage. Can't indulge anymore now that he has walked.out...need to grieve, though I have been trying to avoid it. I know I have to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MyselfAgain said:


> Agreed. Indulging has gone on for too much of our marriage. Can't indulge anymore now that he has walked.out...need to grieve, though I have been trying to avoid it. I know I have to.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The more you nag him about what bad things will happen and about what he's lost?

The more he'll be determined to prove you wrong.

Direct, open, honest - but not argumentative.

Like the patient hand of a loving parent. Reflect back the venom he gives you without attaching yourself to it emotionally.

Remember what he's about. If you think of him as that damaged child that felt unloved, it won't be about you. The words that flow from your mouth will be wrapped in love instead of spite.

I'm telling you this because you're not done with him.

I have no idea if you have a future together, but - even to divorce him - you will have to deal with it.

If he sees your strength and unflappable demeanor, he'll wonder what's up.

Who knows what happens after that?

(In my own life, I've only heard she wants a divorce ASAP about 50-100 times. She now says she is optimistic about our future)


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

> The more you nag him about what bad things will happen and about what he's lost?
> 
> The more he'll be determined to prove you wrong.
> 
> ...


I haven't nagged at ALL since H left...I have shown love and patience. I have learned from years of conflict that arguing gets you nowhere (whether the WS has a disorder or not!) He has been venomous in his actions and i stopped myself, waited a few days, and then addressed it calmly and in a mature manner. I know that he does hurtful things to me out of fear for his own survival. (Wait, are you saying i should really "reflect" it back??) Actually, i will NOT have to deal with him -- he has taken his stuff, and in 10 months if we do not reconcile he will be on a plane back to his country of origin -- his green card will be expired. So I'd be filing and going to court on my own. (Nice to leave me with that, huh?!) I can't file until next May as my state requires a year separation. Dumbest law ever...he gets to start his new life and i have to pick up the pieces on my own. I would love for him to recognize my "unflappable demeanor and wonder whats up", but unfortunately I have seen him twice since he left and he has since stopped all contact. I'd be surprised if he ever contacted me again. I'm crying constantly. Any pointers for how to show him my new, strong self in this situation? I don't even know where he is living. Probably is having an affair. Who knows.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

We can come back to this another time.

He isn't going to want to lose the green card.


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## Suemolly (Jun 19, 2011)

GIVEMEADVICE said:


> i am now left in the situation where i am pining for her , but i dont know why as she has hurt me over and over not just the texts but the things she says. i have tried and tried to get her to even consider us, but she is adamant that she wants no more to with me apart from the kids. i feel completly lost and dont know what to do , i am thinking about her all the time but cant seem to let go . the thought of her meeting someone new kills me inside, and she i walking around with what seems without a care in the world,
> :scratchhead:
> i am stuck
> advice would be greatly appreciated


I felt the same way when my ex husband left. The thought of him with someone else killed me inside too. In fact he was with a whole bunch of women and it shattered me. But these things have a way of turning round. Its been almost a year now. I am so happy in love with a new man, and feel relieved my marriage ended and I could pursue a better relationship that isn't toxic, cruel, full of lies and deception. My husband meanwhile is now a shadow of himself, and he's trying to be nice to me again. I get the joy of ignoring him. Trust me, it will get better for you. You are still young at 30, there are endless opportunities and possibilities for you to be happy again. Be kind to yourself.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Conrad -- thank you so so so much, you really helped me get my head straight tonight. I will do my best to revisit this thread each time I feel weak!

Sue -- that is very helpful, thank you! I admit I do have that "I'll never meet someone else" feeling right now...I have always felt it difficult to fall for a man who falls for me, so I do fear that I will be alone for years. I know that is a self-fulfilling prophecy, though. I know I am a catch, I hear it from people all day long, and I have more confidence in myself than I have probably ever had. I know that there has to be some man out there who wants a genuine, loving, nurturing, ambitious, spiritual, sexy woman like me. Now begins the cycle of learning to trust again....


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## myheartem1 (May 9, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Do you know what to do with defiant people?
> 
> Give them what they want.
> 
> ...


See i always had a really hard time letting it go and actually " leaving him alone " and " leaving him" like he wants but maybe you are right and i think i will try it as i kind of am now. im done asking to talk about it he says hes done then maybe i should finalize it by going through with the choice HE MADE! and it wont be my fault. and then maybe he will learn, the painful way. thanks


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