# My story. I know my husband is cheating but I'm too afraid to confront him.



## ladycorndog (Dec 19, 2012)

This is my story. I normally don't like to share details of my private life but I think I'm at the point where I need some help. Here are our stats:

-married 14 years
-4 beautiful children
-we are both the same age
-I'm a stay at home mom who gets disability
-he works in Real estate

Now my marriage has been in the gutter for the past year. My husband starting complaining a lot about my weight. It got to the point that he said I wasn't attractive anymore. IT is to the point where we have sex once every 3 months and that's after me begging him.

On the weight issue, yes I have gotten bigger. I was around 130 when he got married but that was years ago. I have tried to lose weight and it fluctuates. I'm just under 300 now while my husband is pretty much the same in physique.

Now he has made me feel really bad about myself. I have tried pleading with him for sex but he calls me names like pig and big momma.

4 months ago, I discovered he was cheating on me. I found out through a friend that he has been sleeping with a co-worker.I also found out that he lied and said that he had to go out of town own business when he really spend the weekend with her in San Antonio.

I have chosen not to confront him because I'm afraid that if I do, he will leave me. I feel like he is looking for an excuse to leave and I don't want to give him the chance. As crazy as it sounds, I still love and adore him. He is my first real love and I want to be with him forever.

things changed tonight when we played blackjack with out neighbors. He was drinking along with our neighbor but we all had a good time. Her husband left the table to check something in their home which left me, my husband, and our femal neighbor together at the table.

I heard my husband lean over and ask her when she was going to sit on his face again. He didn't think I heard him but I did. She didn't say anything but just blush.

I never felt so humiliated in my life. I tried to act like nothing happened but I just started crying right there at the table. I tried to hold it in but I couldn't

Once we went back in the house later, I pleaded with him and begged him to help me fix this marriage. I didn't tell him I knew about his cheating but I just want him to at least care about this marriage.

He knows that I would do anything to save this marriage because I told him. Our argument got heavy and then we started to kiss. He told me to give him oral sex and of course I did because I would do anything for him. 

Once he finished, he just went into our bedroom, took a shower, and went to sleep. He didn't even try to pleasure me or act like I even married. I just sat there crying and now, here I am.

What should I do? I really want to fix our marriage but I don't even know what I could do to fix it. Should I tell him I know that he cheated? I feel so dirty and embarrassed about our neighbor earlier. Should I confront her or pretend I didn't hear it?


----------



## Kronk (Dec 8, 2012)

I am really sorry for what I am about to say  there really is no easy way to say it.

Your husband is simply no longer attracted to you, if you have put on more than double your body weight since you were married (barring any medical condition) it would turn off anybody.
If you want to save your marriage you need to find some self respect and that starts with looking after yourself and getting yourself back to a healthy weight, not only for the sake of your sex life but also for longevity of life.

I am not condoning what he is doing by cheating either, he is an a$$ and you should kick him out.

For your own sake and the sake of your children, try to bring your weight back into a healthy range.

All the best.


----------



## d4life (Nov 28, 2012)

I have to agree with the above post. Some men are so hung up on weight. My advice to you would be to start saving money any way that you can for yourself. I would also do what ever it takes to lose the weight. Put yourself first, I mean really put yourself first. Loose the weight and then when you are more confident leave the cheater! No freakin way would I stay with a man like that! Noooooo way!!!!! That's not love. He is not respecting you at all.


----------



## Kronk (Dec 8, 2012)

Why do you say some men are so hung up on weight when the fact is the OP has more than doubled in weight since she was married? Isn't there a sh!tload of posts on here from women complaining about the same thing with their husbands?


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You need to focus on yourself. You need to become strong enough, confident enough to live with or without your husband, because if you are too scared to face life without him, you will wind up with nothing. You need to be able to put consequences to his choices.


----------



## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Aw hun... I'm so sorry your going through this.

You do need to confront this though...you know you do.
He is treating you horribly. You deserve better. Can you see a counselor? She/he could give you the tools to be able to cope with this situation.

I really hope you coming here is a first step to gaining some control back over your life/feelings/emotions.


----------



## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Kronk said:


> Why do you say some men are so hung up on weight when the fact is the OP has more than doubled in weight since she was married? Isn't there a sh!tload of posts on here from women complaining about the same thing with their husbands?


I agree... there is a fab book called His Needs Her Needs. The need for an attractive wife is listed in the top needs for a man (and some women). Not looking like a supermodel or a porn star but taking care of our bodies and appearance... it shows self love and respect but also a want and desire to be attractive to our spouse. 

I wonder if OP uses food to make her self feel good when her hubby is so neglectful and cruel.

Nonetheless... her weight has no baring on the fact he has chosen to cheat on her... IMO. 

That's all his to own!


----------



## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

Lose the weight. Surgery if need be.

Your self esteem is so broken that everyone and anyone can and will take advantage of you. 

You husband has no excuse to cheat and you have no excuse to double your weight.

Lose the weight and then leave him. You're a SAHM and should gain plenty of financial support from him.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband is treating you horribly. I get his issue with weight. But his treatment of you is disgusting. It sounds like he knows that you heard him say that to the friend. He did it to humiliate you. 

Before you decide what to do there are some things you need to put in order.

See an attorney and find out your rights. How will assets and bill be split, how much child support and alimony can you expect and so forth. You need to know this. You will be surprise how much stronger this knowledge will make you. You will not feel so vulnerable. 

What state do you live in so that people can help you out?

Go see a doctor and get tested for STDs. Seriously your husband it putting your health at risk.

Find a counselor. Find one who specializes in spousal abuse. He is seriously emotionally abusing you. Instead of cheating and demeaning you, he should have been doign things with you to help you lose the weight and keep it off. Like watch the kids while you go to the the gym to work out, Watch them while you go to a weight loss clinic, go on walks with you, work out with you, help you plan and cook healthy meals. When someone loves you, they help you through your tough times in life.

Do you have friends? Find other women like yourself who do things you enjoy, who are working to lose weight… join them. Look on this site, you might find a group in your area… Find Meetup groups near you - Meetup


----------



## ladycorndog (Dec 19, 2012)

Thanks for the advice guys. I do know I need to lose weight but it's hard. I look in the mirror and I feel the same so I often quit diets soon after starting them. I just wish he would try to encourage me and help me lose the weight. INstead, he is worried about his own pleasures and he's trying to humiliate me.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ladycorndog said:


> Thanks for the advice guys. I do know I need to lose weight but it's hard. I look in the mirror and I feel the same so I often quit diets soon after starting them. I just wish he would try to encourage me and help me lose the weight. INstead, he is worried about his own pleasures and he's trying to humiliate me.


I know that you wish he would. But you are going to have to find a different way to do this. You cannot go on like this.

That's why you need a support system, a group to help you.... counselor, lawyer, weight loss consultant, trainer... some new friends.

You say that you want to save your marriage. Well in order to do that you need to become very strong. The two of you have set up this dance that you do.. you are weak and don't have self pride and he humiliates you. That's your "Dance of Intimacy" (get the book).

YOu need to change the dance. This is done by unilateral changes. You change and he has to change. A good book about this is "Divorce Busting".. it explains the idea of how to use unilateral changes.

YOu don't have to make huge changes in one day. But you do need to get on the road to make changes. What changes do you think you can put in place in the next week? Can you find a counselor? Call an attorney?

What is the money situation? Is there a joint account? Does he tightly control the money? Or do you have equal access to money? Do you know where all of your (both of your) financial records are?


----------



## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

He is an evil man and you need to leave him now. Even if you stay and lose weight, I promise you, you will still feel humiliated by him on a daily basis. Knowing what he did to you will eat you up inside. The reflection in the mirror is no excuse for how that piece of crap treats you. 

Confront and kick his ass to the curb. Than do whatever you like to make you feel better about yourself. Do not let him get one ounce of enjoyment out of your rising self-confidence and slimmer self. Save that for whoever is going to love you and respect you no matter what your size is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Disrespect.
Cheating
lying.

What more you need to leave the marriage?


----------



## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Lady, I had a Gastric Bypass about three years ago. If you would like to discuss that option, drop me an IM.


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

ladycorndog said:


> I have chosen not to confront him because I'm afraid that if I do, he will leave me. I feel like he is looking for an excuse to leave and I don't want to give him the chance. *As crazy as it sounds, I still love and adore him. He is my first real love and I want to be with him forever.
> *


Here is the million dollar question. What are you willing to do to save your marriage? From reading other stories here, you will find that marriage problems are generally 50-50, however the cheating is solely on him. At some point, you will have to deal with him being unfaithful to you. Yes, it hurts. And you came here for answers.

First things first, you do need to deal with your own "demons" in order to find the strength and confidence to deal with your husband. Yes, I suppose the weight is an issue, but keep in mind that if you lose weight for your own self-confidence, regardless of what your H decides to do, you will feel better about yourself.

Second, you mentioned that you are a SAHM who collects disability. Is it possible that you could gain some skills and find a part time job at some point? I mention this only to suggest that employment outside of the home does build self-confidence as well, and puts you out there with other adults (social skills, etc.) who could help you see your own worth.

You see, whether you stay with your H or end up alone, I am suggesting you use this time in order to build your self-confidence so that you can make an informed decision that won't leave you feeling lost and uncertain. And yes, you can also consult with an attorney to help you understand what your situation will look like if you decide to stand up for yourself.

I know it's scary and it hurts, but you are not alone. There is hope, but it starts with you having faith in your power as an individual. These suggestions above are for that purpose. Best of luck to you.


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Okay...time for the gorilla to come out of the corner.

You're a stay at home mother on disability. He's in real estate.

Is he good at what he does? I mean, I'm in real estate and unless you're really good, it's kind of difficult to support a family of 6. So, my take is that he's pretty good at what he does so he earns a good income.

So...the question that others have asked: Why have you continued to stay with him treating you in such a horrible manner?


----------



## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

I know this isn't a weight loss forum, but you need to get control of yourself and get healthy. A poor self esteem allows your abusive husband to get away with murder.

It is not only a diet, you will have to change your life style in order to lose the weight. If you watch TV a lot, you have to eliminate that because most people snack when watching, read instead if you need that break from reality. Also, do something constructive with your time. Clean, Knit, Arts and Crafts, Activities with your children, walk those have to be part of your new eating habits. If not, you will slide back into it ( I.E. One bite won't hurt, then it becomes two then it becomes the whole carton). Also, eliminate Soda and Wheat from your diet.

Yeah, I put on a lot of weight because of depression and took it off by changing the style of life I had slipped into.

Also, look into Circuit Training for walking letyour workouts ,you do it and gets the heart rate in a good mode and helped me to fight off the depression of the long workout. I was able to workout longer and this enabled me to lose the weight faster.

But, everyone is different you need to understand that because of your life style you are allowing your husband to disrespect you and you need to step it up. It is HARD and you will become disinchanted with it but you need to continue not only for yourself but your children.

Good Luck


----------



## cherish (Dec 7, 2012)

Ladycorndog, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I put on a bunch of weight with both my babies, worked like a maniac to take it off and got my figure back, and my H STILL CHEATED! So don't be TOO hard on yourself.

And I know how it feels to not want to face what he is doing. That's the state I was in when I came here to TAM. But some tough-love posts shook me up. I'm still not where I should be (kind of doing the 180) but I'm no longer feeling like I can't go on without him. (Of course the flip side of that is I sort of feel like I can't go on WITH him now.) But anyway, I can completely understand how you feel. But the sooner you get out of this helpless state, believe, the better it will feel. I'm not even stressed out about it any more. More like p*ssed off.


----------



## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

OP - you don't deserve this - regardless of your physical appearance. 
Obesity isn't your primary problem, imo, it's your self-esteem .

You have a steady, reliable income (disability, right?). Most RE folks I know don't have a steady income. Set up your own bank account to have the checks deposited there. Get a lawyer - file for divorce. Now.


----------



## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

ladycorndog said:


> Thanks for the advice guys. I do know I need to lose weight but it's hard. I look in the mirror and I feel the same so I often quit diets soon after starting them. I just wish he would try to encourage me and help me lose the weight. INstead, he is worried about his own pleasures and he's trying to humiliate me.


My H has a way of demeaning and putting down people thinking that will encourage them to do better or be better at whatever they "suck" at. Your husband seems to be one of those people.
I dont know how you work but personally if someone cuts me down enough Im not going to bend over backwards to do something to please them or make them thinking more of me. Chances are I'll quit trying all together because if you are cruel enough to cut me down I dont give a f*ck what you think about me. Everyone works differently though.

You said you get disability? Are you disabled by something that has caused your weight gain or do you eat for comfort, hence the weight gain? My husband is an emotional eater. When he loses control of things he wants to eat to make himself feel better and then he hates himself for the way he looks, its a vicious cycle.

I understand that looks are important to a man and I think they are somewhat important to everyone but after many years together I have a hard time understanding how you can put so much focus on the outside. I'd love my husband if he were 100 lbs or 500 lbs. Its hard for me to understand another way of thinking but maybe thats just me.

I would encourage you to do what you can to lose the weight. I understand its probably going to be difficult, especially if you are an emotional eater and having to deal with him. Extra weight or not you know that what he is doing is wrong. As long as you beg and plead with him he will do what he wants because he can do it and knows you will take him back and forgive him.

He will gain more respect for you when you start respecting yourself and doing things for YOU and not for him. The idea of him asking your neighbor when she was going to sit on his face again makes me want to punch him. I actually wish you would have stood up and done just that. Have you asked the neighbor about the comment? Have you said anything to the Neighbors husband about what you heard? Im sorry but your H is a pompous ass and deserves nothing from you!!


----------



## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Op - This really is a thread with two issues.

I'm worried that your H's infidelity and his cruel and humiliating treatment is being sidelined. THIS is the big problem... your weight is a side issue. I also wonder if the weight would be easier to deal with if you were happy and secure in your life...instead of how your living. 

It takes a certain kind of person to do what he did to you at your neighbors..only to be compounded by his vile behavior once you got home. I truly do not believe he is going to change and stop being so horrid just because you lose weight. He is just nasty. Sorry I know he's your husband but what he did is beyond belief! I'm so sad for you.

You need to find your inner strength... you do have it...you just need to find it and harness it. Along with it you will find your inner love and self respect. Be your own best friend...would you want your best friend to be treated like this? 

Do you see a counselor? Do you have family/friends for support?


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

waiwera said:


> Op - This really is a thread with two issues.
> 
> I'm worried that your H's infidelity and his cruel and humiliating treatment is being sidelined. THIS is the big problem... your weight is a side issue.


I agree with this. I also think, though, that if lcd were to be able to dedicate herself to a successful weight loss regime, it would help her tremendously in her attitude about her H. If she feels better and stronger, physically/emotionally, she'll be in a better position to tell him where to get off.

If I were you, OP, I would single-mindedly go after losing weight, which would be taking care of me & would be to my benefit no matter what an emotionally abusive H was doing or saying. If you do if for you, you may just see your feelings for your H in a different light.

Make a doctor's appointment to talk about possible programs that would help you.


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> I agree with this. I also think, though, that if lcd were to be able to dedicate herself to a successful weight loss regime, it would help her tremendously in her attitude about her H. If she feels better and stronger, physically/emotionally, she'll be in a better position to tell him where to get off.
> 
> If I were you, OP, I would single-mindedly go after losing weight, which would be taking care of me & would be to my benefit no matter what an emotionally abusive H was doing or saying. If you do if for you, you may just see your feelings for your H in a different light.
> 
> Make a doctor's appointment to talk about possible programs that would help you.


That is precisely the point of the weight discussion. It's not to demean the OP in any way or to suggest that her weight is any excuse for her H's infidelity. It all goes to self-confidence, which I believe the OP is lacking at this point. Once her self-confidence is restored, she will be able to focus on dealing with her WS and have the confidence to stand up for her rights in the marriage - or else. 

It's a slight branch off the 180 in order for the OP to find confidence and peace in her life.


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

ladycorndog said:


> things changed tonight when we played blackjack with out neighbors. He was drinking along with our neighbor but we all had a good time. Her husband left the table to check something in their home which left me, my husband, and our femal neighbor together at the table.
> 
> I heard *my husband lean over and ask her when she was going to sit on his face again.* He didn't think I heard him but I did. She didn't say anything but just blush.
> 
> ...


Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww

I wouldn't have given him the time of day and wouldn't have his cheating penis anywhere near my mouth. You seriously need to get a hold of yourself. Get yourself up off the floor. Stop being his doormat and STOP doing "anything" for him! :nono:

You went from 130 to just under 300? How tall are you? That is certainly not healthy. You need to stop focusing on your husband and focus on yourself. Get yourself healthy.

Your husband is not going to stop his affairs until you get your weight way down! You can do this! But even at the end of it, you still want him? :scratchhead: I surely would not!!!!! Why are you not kicking him out of the house?   He has no respect for you at all!


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

ladycorndog said:


> I just wish he would try to encourage me and help me lose the weight.


Your weight gain is on you, just like his cheating is on him. You both need to own up to these things and fix them, if that is what you want to do. He didn't force food down your mouth and you didn't force a strange pvssy on his face and on his [email protected] Good lord, woman, get angry with him and get out of this rut!!


----------



## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

I am new to the forum, but not to life. I have made a comment here and there feel comfortable about telling my story. As I read the laundry of what this obviously not a gentleman has been doing to you is grounds for some serious wall to wall counseling. Regardless of your weight gain, and your disability you bore children for him. Did he forget that. You are the same person just a lot more to love. I ballooned up pretty good after my on-duty injury. After about seven months of feeling sorry for myself, that and I rolled really well  I got back to taking care of me. You take care of yourself and get to where you feel comfy in your skin. I imagine once you do that, your husband will be turning his head again. One more thing If my 70 year old mother and my dearly departed grandmother heard me talk like that in front of my better half I guarantee it they would disown me. Good luck to you.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

survivorwife said:


> That is precisely the point of the weight discussion. It's not to demean the OP in any way or to suggest that her weight is any excuse for her H's infidelity. It all goes to self-confidence, which I believe the OP is lacking at this point. Once her self-confidence is restored, she will be able to focus on dealing with her WS and have the confidence to stand up for her rights in the marriage - or else.
> 
> It's a slight branch off the 180 in order for the OP to find confidence and peace in her life.


I agree... any mention of weight was in relation to Lisa finding ways to empower herself. It's the uping her self esteem and empowering her so that she can get to the point that she is strong enough to move forward.

If she can do that without addressing her weight issue right now... more power to her.

I just want to see Lisa kick some butt here and get on track!!!!!


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Afraid or just can't be bothered, given that you'll likely leave him anyway? For me, it would be a case of can't be bothered to confront rather than afraid to confront. Confronting only seems as though it would draw more negative attention to you from him, whereas avoiding will buy you time to move on constructively without a lot of upheaval, avoiding the psychological penalty of being blamed for it in any way (which I think would happen given his m.o. as you have described.)

Being righteous in confronting sometimes isn't the best move, it's just righteous, and we think it will get us closer to resolution, whereas sometimes, it's just a waste of time and energy, and exposes one to even more negative treatment than before.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I'm very sorry that your husband is cheating on you, really I am. 



ladycorndog said:


> I do know I need to lose weight but it's hard.


Hard?!?!? Harder than this? This isn't enough motivation? 



ladycorndog said:


> I just wish he would try to encourage me and help me lose the weight. INstead, he is worried about his own pleasures and he's trying to humiliate me.


Yeah, it's his fault your not motivated to lose weight and you have completely let yourself go?. So.. If only he _did this_ or _did that_ then you could do it?. Bullsh*t!!!. 

With all due respect, get off your phucking a$$!. If you don't have a serious medical reason then you don't have an excuse. Start losing the weight, then you can decide if you should lose the husband.


----------



## cherish (Dec 7, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I'm very sorry that your husband is cheating on you, really I am.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


That's just mean. You're just as disrespectful as her husband.


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Your husband has no right to treat you the way that he is!! You are still a human being, no matter what!!

I am so sorry that you are going through this. You need to stick up for yourself.. You confront him and he leaves then so be it, he isn't much of a man to keep around anyway

I would tell the neighbors husband about what you heard that night. 

Stick up for your self hon..

Lose weight, do it for you and not him...
Pick your self up, be strong.. 
You *CAN* live without him

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))


----------



## N_chanted (Nov 11, 2012)

I havent even read all the responses yet. i wanted to suggest to you that you ask your doc to check your thyroid function. after having 4 kids, i think it sounds like you may have a transient issue with it. 

secondly, please feel free to PM me. your H and mine, sound like the same person. I posted my story this week too. 

i also saw some other issues right off the bat....and i'm not comfortable posting them here. i hope you will PM me. 

((((huggs))))


----------



## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

ladycorndog said:


> Thanks for the advice guys. I do know I need to lose weight but it's hard. I look in the mirror and I feel the same so I often quit diets soon after starting them. I just wish he would try to encourage me and help me lose the weight. INstead, he is worried about his own pleasures and he's trying to humiliate me.


You can lose the weight & you don't need your tool of a husband to help you do it either.
Turn your focus onto yourself, get up every day & tell yourself you're going to exercise, that you will eat better & you will.
Find your self motivation to be the best you that you can be.
If you feel winded from working out, start by walking, walk as far as you can every day.
Shop for healthy food, stay to the outside of the grocery store, avoid the middle aisles where all the crappy pre-packaged food is located.
Cooking your own food will save a lot of calories, it's also cheaper.
Lose the weight & eventually lose the husband.
You will find a better man, one who wouldn't cheat on you because you gained weight.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

cherish said:


> That's just mean. You're just as disrespectful as her husband.


Excuse me? That's not mean and ill just ignore you comparing me to some cheating pig. Im the furthest thing you will find to some shallow heartless d0uchebag like her husband. 

What I said is real. Walking on eggshells or feeling sorry for her isn't going to help her. Yeah it sucks, but it is what it is. I said nothing that was mean. 

I said that she's making excuses and she is. She needs to kick herself in the a$$ and get up and help herself. That starts with the weight which will empower her and start repairing the self esteem she is going to desperately need as she goes forward. This isn't going away, it's going to get much worse before it gets better.


----------



## N_chanted (Nov 11, 2012)

well, i've lost 60+ lbs in 10 months. PM me...we can talk about that too.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Lose the weight ASAP. 

You will not see results overnight so don't lose your motivation right away. It'll take months.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

To the OP. Your husband has chosen to be verbally abusive. That is just as bad as physical abuse. Words hurt and they leave a forever scar. Shedding the extra insulation will help you physically and mentally. Don't attempt or think you can take it off fast. Being slow and methodical will help you keep the weight off and that gives your skin the ability to retract with the weight loss. Drink lots of water, take multivitamin. If you would like to pm me I can help. I work with other guys on our department when they have been injured for ways of staying active, losing weight. You will receive a lot of good ideas from people on TAM. With a little hard work and dedication your husband will change his way of viewing you and give you the respect you deserve as the woman he married and the children you gave him. I will always love my honey for going through that for us. Best of luck and hopefully Happy holidays.


----------

