# Paralyzed and can't get out



## stucknrut (Apr 28, 2014)

Hi everybody.

I've been with my common-law partner for 8 years now. It's been a trying relationship the entire time. And I think (I know) the time to move on is long overdue. Years overdue. I don't know that the whys and the details matter all the much. 

But some details I do think would be important to mention. I'm 35 years old. While I have attending more university than the average person, I do not have a degree due to changing my major several times. I do not have a savings. I do not have a lot of work experience either. I spent the first 6-7 years after high school going to university for one thing or another. Can you say waste of money in my case? :scratchhead: When I met my partner I was working and living on my own and had just gotten out of a relationship (who I lived with). I was barely getting by and used up my savings to cover costs. About 2 years into our relationship, I moved in with a friend because I could no longer afford to be on my own. 6 months of that, and my friend moved to another city. My partner and I decided to move in together. Ever since then, he has been supporting us. Basically I've been a stay at home wife who cooks, cleans, and so forth. And for all of you who have done it, you know it's a more than full time job and is undervalued. 

But, it has put me in a position of total dependence. And he enjoys to some extent, holding that over me. We have no common accounts and separation in terms of legality, will be simple. But I have nowhere to go. I live in a VERY expensive city and it is impossible to find a place to rent for under 1k. And that would be a 600 sqft junker. I'm not above that, but 1k is pushing it. I know I was barely getting by on $20 an hour. It's probably worth saying that income taxes here (I live in BC Canada) are high. And the only reason I even got a job that paid that was because I knew somebody. I just don't know how to get the ball rolling. I've thought of everything I can. Our fighting has increased dramatically. It's time. I can no longer stay here without a daily fight, though he will let me. It's his place. I have considered moving to another city, but moving costs are factored in as well. 

So my question is, how do full time house wives in their mid 30's or older get out of a relationship they are 100% dependent on financially? I have no family here. As well, all my friends have families of their or in their tiny 600 square feet apartments, so staying with them wouldn't be an option for more than a week. And even then, I'd feel like a huge burden.

I'm desperately needing out of this situation but I have no financial ability to do so. He will not give me money or help me and is not legally bound to do so. I'd like a clean break from him anyway. I've been working for the last month or so, but I'm only making $11 an hour. And all of that is going to bills that he now says I can pay for since I'm working. Which is fine, but I'm not able to save anything. And $11 an hour definitely isn't something I can live on on my own.

How do you ladies (or men) do it?


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

Just pack up a bag and live with family. I know you dont want to be a burden but just ask if you can stay a week. Moving cost ? Just bring nothing but clothes. If he is asking for you to pay money for rent tell him he needs to pick up on household chores.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Stay at home wife with no kids? That's hardly a part time job....You should've had a job YEARS ago and contributed towards the household. You are and HAVE BEEN taking advantage of your partner (financial negligence).

You know how you can't imagine being on your own from a financial standpoint? Imagine being there TODAY with another person and paying for EVERYTHING.

That's exactly where your boyfriend has been. He's been pulling the load of 2. And it seems like there is probably a lot of resentment build up inside of him and could be the cause of your fights...

So from his end, he has been with you all these years and supported you and now you will just get up and leave him?

How convenient of you. How about you get a job and he quits and YOU pull his weight for 8 years just to balance/even things out???

What you really need to do is find a JOB and start contributing towards the household (even if you choose to no longer be with him). Treat this as a room mate situation (if you want).

Regardless, once you have a job, you will see what it takes to actually pay your 50%......and let's see how well you do saving up so that you can be on your own.

I think you are in for a reality check......

Rather than "get up and leave", how about you work on trying to make yourself a better person. This will do WONDERS for your relationship......

Once you show him that you can contribute and pull your own weight, I have a feeling it will completely change the dynamic of the relationship.

For past 8 years it has been father > child type of relationship from a financial perspective. Accept that/acknowledge that and be respectful about it. 

Your partner deserves a LOT of credit for taking care of you all these years!!! 

For you to just get up and leave cause you "decided" to be more "independent" would be really messed up. He has been independent and supporting you all along, what does he get in return? 

You leaving....

Put yourself in his shoes.......think about the entire situation and find a job + contribute. I think your entire outlook on life/perception will change as the time goes on and you will have a completely new respect/understanding of HIS position!!!


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Check out kijiji for room for rent ads. You will probably be able to find something cheap and furnished for right now. Where I am in Alberta has the same problem with housing costs but kijiji often has rooms for $500 or so a month.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

stucknrut said:


> So my question is, how do full time house wives in their mid 30's or older get out of a relationship *they are 100% dependent on financially? *


This is my worst nightmare. Truly. 

Find a job, get your degree and move somewhere that you can afford.

Don't stay in a relationship that is bad just so you can have a place to stay.

You do that by putting one foot in front of the other and doing it. 

Get a job. STAT.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

TurtleRun said:


> Just pack up a bag and live with family.


This is also a good idea.

You are not paralyzed. And you can get out, you are just choosing not to.

So change the game and do something different.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Stay at home wife? No kids? In an apartment no less? That's not even a 10 hour a week job. Undervalued? According to who is taking care of an apartment while you freeload undervalued?

And the title of your thread is "paralyzed and can't get out."

How do women like you look in the mirror?

Get a job.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You've made a series of bad decisions in your life.
Going to college without getting a degree.
Living with a man while not married.
Not working, not saving money.

Do the opposite of these things.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

She already has a job.



> I've been working for the last month or so, but I'm only making $11 an hour. And all of that is going to bills that he now says I can pay for since I'm working. Which is fine, but I'm not able to save anything.


I would suggest you look for a rooming house if they have those where you live. 

How did you find being a SAHW a full time job? Were there special circumstances or something? 

Also discuss with your boyfriend paying a little less so that you can save some to move out. Be prepared that he will probably say no but its worth a shot. 

Also perhaps you can get a 2nd job maybe babysitting, cleaning, anything to make a few bucks.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Stay at home wife? No kids?


My dream is to be a stay at home wife. Minus the husband. Or children. 

:rofl:


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

committed4ever said:


> She already has a job.


It's only been a month. 8 years vs 1 month, you do the math.

She needs to contribute 50% ASAP. Regardless if it nets 0 savings. That's HER problem (find a better job)......

Again, think about HIS load past 8 years and how hard it has been on him!

I'm assuming that rest of OP's relationship is "normal" as nothing has been stated about it. I'm not sure why people here are making assumptions that it's bad/abusive etc when nothing has been said.

OP, why do you want to leave the relationship? What are the issues?


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

DoF said:


> *It's only been a month. 8 years vs 1 month, you do the math.*She needs to contribute 50% ASAP. Regardless if it nets 0 savings. That's HER problem (find a better job)......
> 
> Again, think about HIS load past 8 years and how hard it has been on him!
> 
> ...


I correct your oversight where you say get a job and you reply to me that I need to do the math? If you meant get a *better *job you should have said it. I think you totally missed that though and instead of admitting it you want to "correct" my correct statement that she has a job.

You have some good advice sometimes, but sometimes you fly off the handle before you even have the whole picture. You also make a lot of assumptions based on nothing. Since she said they were fighting a lot, I think the possibility of abuse is not as much of an assumption as you assuming everything is normal. If the fighting is so "normal" why would she want to leave even though she can't afford it?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

committed4ever said:


> I correct your oversight where you say get a job and you reply to me that I need to do the math? If you meant get a *better *job you should have said it. I think you totally missed that though and instead of admitting it you want to "correct" my correct statement that she has a job.


"you do the math" was more of a general statement vs offensive attack on you (of some kind).

I'm sorry to come off that way, I didn't mean it.



committed4ever said:


> You have some good advice sometimes, but sometimes you fly off the handle before you even have the whole picture. You also make a lot of assumptions based on nothing. Since she said they were fighting a lot, I think the possibility of abuse is not as much of an assumption as you assuming everything is normal. If the fighting is so "normal" why would she want to leave even though she can't afford it?


Thank you, yes I'm far FAR from perfect and have my moments (no doubt)

But I'm not sure if I agree with you. OP made that ONE statement about fights and has not brought up any details associated with it. If OP felt that "fighting/arguments" were a big issue in their relationship she would've stated that and reasons she feels they happen. But she didn't, which makes me think "they fight more than usual, but nothing too out of ordinary/not that big of a deal"/

Abuse would be rather extreme.....and I feel that you are the one making an assumption here more than me.

In general, YES I will assume optimistic things about people/relationships unless OP states otherwise. 

I don't want to be too negative and always assume the worst about people.....


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Depending on where she is in BC, finding a job that covers a basic COL can be very hard. Prices are high. Not just rent but food and utilities and other necessities too. 

OP- Many room for rent ads are looking for women your age as a tenant so I think it should be fairly easy to find one. Plus, many don't need a damage deposit so you won't have to have money built up.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

She said "Our fighting has increased dramatically. It's time. I can no longer stay here without a daily fight"


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> My dream is to be a stay at home wife. Minus the husband. Or children.
> 
> :rofl:


And what would you do with your time - besides cause trouble...lol 

As for the OP, this is what happens to people when they don't take financial responsibility for their own selves. They find themselves totally dependent and wondering how to get out of the hole. 

Since the OP has no children (dependents of her own) to worry about, freeing herself should be relatively easy in that, as others suggested, she may have to live with relatives and friends to help her get started. Unfortunately, there is also the possibility that those bridges may have already been burnt - as it is with some of my own family members.

Income is the issue. Can you clean or watch children during the day? Do you have any property that can be sold via ebay or yard sales? Is there any business that could use your services based on your current education skills? In short, you have to start where you find yourself and use what you have available today to get started. The trick is to begin doing something, anything to bring in an income. You can "fine tune" the employment and/or income process later, but for now it's survival-mode. Good luck.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> She said "Our fighting has increased dramatically. It's time. I can no longer stay here without a daily fight"


That's correct

And in an adult relationship, when people fight, they work on resolving the issues vs "running away".

I think OP needs to figure out why they are fighting a lot now.....but we all know that her financial negligence HAS to play SOME part in it all.

She will have to address that REGARDLESS if she stays or not. Why not address it while with him and start contributing.

I just think it's really messed up to "just leave" after this guy supported her for SO long. 

OP, don't you feel morally obligated to contribute or even pay back for what he has done for you over the years? 

Let's assume that your SO lend you 50% of living expenses past 8 years. How much would you owe him right now?

I'm assuming he doesn't want any of that money, but telling you that you should do whatever it takes to contribute AND some at this point.

Many here say "start saving" I say, start taking steps to show your SO that you will not only contribute 50% but you will also pay him back SOME for all the years he has been taking care of you financially.



Jellybeans said:


> My dream is to be a stay at home wife. Minus the husband. Or children.
> 
> :rofl:


Basically the vibe I'm getting from OP. 

If she thinks "room mates" will be easier.....she is in for a shock as well.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

DoF said:


> "you do the math" was more of a general statement vs offensive attack on you (of some kind).
> 
> I'm sorry to come off that way, I didn't mean it.
> 
> ...


Apology accepted. So to continue the discussion, you don't think her saying the fighting has "dramatically" increased means it could have escalated. Yes I guess that is speculation as well so maybe she will elaborate maybe not. 

Maybe the comments about her role in her predicament are too much to face and she won't be back. 

OP, your approach to life will probably mean you will always be struggling if you don't work really hard to improve your ability to support yourself. Maybe you could save to move to a more affordable area, and then try to take some evening classes to finish one of those majors you started. Disclosure: I didn't even go to college, so you have definitely done more in the educational area than I have. But with hard work and strict budgeting it's not too late for you to be able to live comfortably.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> She said "Our fighting has increased dramatically. It's time. I can no longer stay here without a daily fight"


Unless the OP clarifies, I'm of the opinion that perhaps the fights are about finances and her lack of financial contribution to the household, are verbal (yelling) in nature and are not abusive in the sense that she fears for her life.

Then again, I could be wrong. Perhaps she will come back and expand on that.


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

DoF said:


> She needs to contribute 50% ASAP. Regardless if it nets 0 savings. That's HER problem (find a better job)......


I would seriously get 2 jobs if I wanted out in her situtation!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How about finding a job that includes room and board? Lots of jobs out in oil camps, nanny type positions, etc...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

TurtleRun said:


> I would seriously get 2 jobs if I wanted out in her situtation!


:iagree:

I still think once she starts working/contributing her relationship dynamic will change COMPLETELY.

Her entire perspective will be different.

I also think OP AT THE VERY LEAST owes her boyfriend some kind of communication or therapy to better the relationship. 

They need to get to the bottom of whatever issues they have that cause these fights and work on them TOGETHER.

If she will simply walk away from someone that has been kind enough to take care of her for 8 years.......without any effort into trying to fix herself or the relationships........again, this will just spill over onto next guy and NOTHING will be fixed.

OP needs to work on herself FIRST, and in few months focus on the relationship vs "just giving up on it because her ACTIONS took a toll on the relationship"

Chances are HIGH that her financial negligence make up 80-90% of their fights.....and I think her boyfriend has DEEP resentment on this as well.

I'm sorry


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> My dream is to be a stay at home wife. Minus the husband. Or children.
> 
> :rofl:


Hmmph. I plan to make it happen (but WITH hubby). When my kid(s) get grown I plan to take an early retirement from SAHM'ing and never work another day in my life.

:rofl:

Okay, I guess that comment can be called "baiting."


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

survivorwife said:


> And what would you do with your time - besides cause trouble...lol



Hahahaha. Oh man. What wouldn't I do? I'd volunteer at places, be on committees, give back to the community, cook all day long, paint my fingernails. It would be amazing. 



survivorwife said:


> As for the OP, this is what happens to people when they don't take financial responsibility for their own selves. They find themselves totally dependent and wondering how to get out of the hole.


:iagree:

I also like PBear's idea about a job with room and board.
Or just moving to a lower-cost of living area that OP can actually afford. Or move in with roommates...


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> I just think it's really messed up to "just leave" after this guy supported her for SO long.
> 
> OP, don't you feel morally obligated to contribute or even pay back for what he has done for you over the years?
> 
> Let's assume that your SO lend you 50% of living expenses past 8 years. How much would you owe him right now?


So, just to clarify if as a woman you take a SAHM/SAHW role what are the reasons that you can leave the relationship without being under "moral obligation" to stay so you can "pay him back?"

He wasn't married to her and was completely financially independent, if he wasn't getting something out of the arrangement, he was free to leave or give her the boot at any time. So - I'd say apparently he was getting something out of the arrangement.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If she doesn't want to be with him anymore, she can bounce. Just as he can do the same, whether he has been working or not.

Luckily, they're not married.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Or just moving to a lower-cost of living area that OP can actually afford.


That's a lot easier said than done. With limited experience and no degree, the kinds of jobs the OP will be applying for aren't likely to be ones they will hire for long-distance. 

With no savings (and people suggesting it's not her right to even save anything) how does one simply move? How do you pay for a security deposit?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Starstarfish said:


> He wasn't married to her and was completely financially independent, if he wasn't getting something out of the arrangement, he was free to leave or give her the boot at any time. So - I'd say apparently he was getting something out of the arrangement.


I'm not saying he was RIGHT to enable her to live the way she has been.

I'm sure he was getting SOMETHING, but clearly NOT enough (from financial perspective).

Look, regardless what OP does......I believe in Karma. 

She needs to put in work into this relationship vs simply walk away....because she decided to be codependant.....or use her SO.

That's not right and IMO a moral issue. OP needs to fix herself FIRST, then work on her relationship that SHE decided to be in.

Relationships take WORK, LOTS OF WORK and effort. It feels like OP is putting in as much work/hope towards her relationship as she has into getting a job and contributing (very little).


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Starstarfish said:


> That's a lot easier said than done. With limited experience and no degree, the kinds of jobs the OP will be applying for aren't likely to be ones they will hire for long-distance.
> 
> With no savings (and people suggesting it's not her right to even save anything) how does one simply move? How do you pay for a security deposit?


Well she can either keep doing the same thing she is doing or actually make a plan to do something different.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DoF said:


> She needs to put in work into this relationship vs simply walk away....because she decided to be codependant.....or use her SO.


She doesn't "have" to do anything. They're not married, legally bound to each other and she is saying her relationship sucks. That they don't go a day w/o fighting. So if either of them wants out, they have that option. 



DoF said:


> That's not right and IMO a moral issue. OP needs to fix herself FIRST, then work on her relationship *that SHE decided to be in*.


Just as she can "decide" to leave it.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

DoF said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I still think once she starts working/contributing her relationship dynamic will change COMPLETELY.
> 
> ...



I partly agree with you. However, you're making a lot of assumption. The OP hasn't provided a lot of info to draw this conclusion


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> She doesn't "have" to do anything. They're not married, legally bound to each other and she is saying her relationship sucks. That they don't go a day w/o fighting. So if either of them wants out, they have that option.


I don't agree with above.

Married or not, she is in a relationship. I don't care about legal crap either.

AS A PERSON, she SHOULD feel obligated to contribute or she is simply taking advantage of him/using people.

Again, I'm assuming the relationship sucks because of OP's negligence (as we have nothing else to go by right now).



Jellybeans said:


> Just as she can "decide" to leave it.


She can and probably will.......Karma is a *****, it will come back to her in some way/some form.

It's not RIGHT to just leave vs work on the relationship to fix it, OP owes her boyfriend AT LEAST THAT.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

spinsterdurga said:


> I partly agree with you. However, you're making a lot of assumption. The OP hasn't provided a lot of info to draw this conclusion


We all have to assume things as OP hasn't provided enough details on "issues/fighting".

Only thing we have to go on by is "financial negligence".....


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> I'm sure he was getting SOMETHING, but clearly NOT enough (from financial perspective).


So is someone's value in a relationship only based on what they are contributing financially? 



> Look, regardless what OP does......I believe in Karma.
> 
> She needs to put in work into this relationship vs simply walk away....because she decided to be codependant.....or use her SO.
> 
> ...


So people are morally obligated to stay in relationships they aren't enjoying because of some kind of religious sense of "karma." Have you actually ever seen this karma at work? Because I don't see any "my cheating ex got him by a bus today" threads here on TAM. 

And being in a SAHM/SAHW role is "using" your partner/spouse. 

Glad to figure out where we stand on that.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Stay at home wife? No kids? In an apartment no less? That's not even a 10 hour a week job. Undervalued? According to who is taking care of an apartment while you freeload undervalued?
> 
> And the title of your thread is "paralyzed and can't get out."
> 
> ...


Darn feminist.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> That's a lot easier said than done. With limited experience and no degree, the kinds of jobs the OP will be applying for aren't likely to be ones they will hire for long-distance.
> 
> With no savings (and people suggesting it's not her right to even save anything) how does one simply move? How do you pay for a security deposit?


Realistically she will have to start at the bottom. Friends, Relatives, a Woman's Shelter perhaps. There is no easy solution and how could she justify "stock-piling" her current earnings and still not contribute much to her current residence if her bf insists that she contribute to the household (assuming that is what the arguing is about)?


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

DoF said:


> We all have to assume things as OP hasn't provided enough details on "issues/fighting".
> 
> 
> 
> Only thing we have to go on by is "financial negligence".....



Or you can wait for the OP to come back and give more details


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

spinsterdurga said:


> Or you can wait for the OP to come back and give more details


There are things OP needs to do ASAP without anymore details.



But sure, wouldn't hurt


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Starstarfish said:


> So is someone's value in a relationship only based on what they are contributing financially?


Not at all. 

But contributing financially IS important and it can/does cause a LOT of serious relationship issues/fights.

As a decent human being one should simply feel obligated to do so!!! That's part of maturity and adulthood IMO.

Personally I would not feel comfortable living at ANYONE's house and NOT contributing (stranger, family, friend....and ESPECIALLY someone I love).

That's just wrong. Clearly there are some deeper issues with OP for doing this for over 8 years.

I'm not saying her SO is not guilty here, clearly he enabled her.

Regardless, she is the offender here.



Starstarfish said:


> So people are morally obligated to stay in relationships they aren't enjoying because of some kind of religious sense of "karma." Have you actually ever seen this karma at work? Because I don't see any "my cheating ex got him by a bus today" threads here on TAM. .


Well, your Karma is a bit extreme. But chances are your ex will be cheated on by many in the future....or deal with other things.

I'm just saying that chances are high that she is not enjoying this relationship due to HER OWN ACTIONS and effects it has had on her relationship.

She should be obligated to work and contribute her 50%. At that point, I think she will have a better perspective on things and change her mind about leaving.

Especially as relationship is restored and will benefit from HER ACTIONS.




Starstarfish said:


> And being in a SAHM/SAHW role is "using" your partner/spouse.
> 
> Glad to figure out where we stand on that.


No, I never said that you and you taking things to the extreme.

There is a HUGE difference between SAH < insert any gender> and having kids/house and taking care of everything. That job is EXTREMELY hard and I have stated before that it;'s one of the hardest jobs out there.

OP lives in an apartment and has no kids. I'm sorry but her end of responsibilities can't possibly take more than few hours a day.

Rest she should be working and contributing towards household expenses!!! It's her responsibility as an adult, decent human being and especially as a significant other/love one!!!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MSP said:


> Darn feminist.


That's Ms. Egalitarian Humanist to you Buster!


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## stucknrut (Apr 28, 2014)

DoF said:


> Stay at home wife with no kids? That's hardly a part time job....You should've had a job YEARS ago and contributed towards the household. You are and HAVE BEEN taking advantage of your partner (financial negligence)....
> 
> ....
> 
> ...


Wow, thanks for putting so much time into typing up that lengthy reply. You could have asked a few questions and we could have saved you both your time and effort. You sure made a lot of judgements and assumptions about my situation. To that end, your entire hateful (typical internet antics) rant, is of no use. But thanks.



Jellybeans said:


> This is also a good idea.
> 
> You are not paralyzed. And you can get out, you are just choosing not to.
> 
> So change the game and do something different.


I do have a job. I believe I mentioned that, but I can't recall. It just doesn't pay enough to get a place on my own. ALL the money I make is going to bills. I had an accident a few years ago in the states (no insurance), so I have some hefty bills from that. As well as all the typical stuff.

I'm sure many will see this as a nonissue, but I also have a dog. She's been with me for 9 years. There is no giving her away. That breaks my heart to even think of doing that.

I've been trying to save money, but it just hasn't been possible. I look for jobs every day that pay more, but I'm often not qualified even. I am trying. I'm just at a loss and things have gotten worse. He's very controlling and doesn't want me to work as it is. It's subtle though. But he creates issues for me every time I work overtime and have extra cash. Like the day he found out I was getting an extra shift each week, he rented out the second parking spot. So now I'm having to rent a spot. Lots of things like that. And if he were doing it because he needed the money or because he wanted us to be financially separate (and me no longer is personal assistant), then fine. But it's vindictive and is completely about me working.


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## stucknrut (Apr 28, 2014)

committed4ever said:


> She already has a job.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thanks for actually reading my post. Yes I do have a job. 

Yes there are special circumstances. He owns his own business. I take care of a lot of things around that. And I can't stress how messy he is as well. I could follow him around 24/7 just cleaning up. But yes, it's more than just cleaning and cooking and grocery shopping. I pretty much don't sit down from 7am-11pm. Now that I have a job, he has to do a lot of it himself. Though I still come home to a disaster and a list of "requests" and have all those things to do. So he's not happy to say the least. 

To be honest, I didn't mention any of the details around that because the point is, regardless of how much I do and contribute, it doesn't matter. I'm still in the same situation. I guess I figured people would be more compassionate. But to be fair, I didn't read through this board much to see the general attitude. So far, there are a lot of hateful commenters who jump to conclusions. Not speaking of you.

He doesn't want me to move out. So he's definitely not going to help me.

I'm making him sound completely horrible, which also isn't always the case. Otherwise we wouldn't have ever moved in together. But living together changes relationships and shows different sides, that's for sure.

I have been looking for a second job, but it's hard with the one that I do have. I work mid day. 11-7. But yes, I'll keep looking for something.


----------



## stucknrut (Apr 28, 2014)

DoF said:


> I'm assuming that rest of OP's relationship is "normal" as nothing has been stated about it. I'm not sure why people here are making assumptions that it's bad/abusive etc when nothing has been said.


Why are YOU making assumptions? You're comments are completely unhelpful and condescending. Also 100% based on assumption.



DoF said:


> If OP felt that "fighting/arguments" were a big issue in their relationship she would've stated that and reasons she feels they happen. But she didn't, which makes me think "they fight more than usual, but nothing too out of ordinary/not that big of a deal... In general, YES I will assume optimistic things about people/relationships unless OP states otherwise.
> 
> I don't want to be too negative and always assume the worst about people.....


I didn't go into the details of the demise of my relationship and how much I have contributed (I see this is very important to you) because it's irrelevant to getting OUT of my situation. I'm not here to complain about what he's done or hasn't. Though I have since given some of this information because of questions asked. But I still don't really see its importance. For all you knew, he could have been in a wheelchair and unable to feed himself and I've been taking care of him all this time while he writes his 2nd novel via Siri. That doesn't change anything in terms of where to go next. Maybe it would make you feel like I'm a better person and worthy of a kind response. But apparently I lost my wits about me and assumed people would be kind regardless.

And it is ironic that you say you don't want to assume the worst of people. You certainly have of me.



DoF said:


> That's correct
> 
> I think OP needs to figure out why they are fighting a lot now.....but we all know that her financial negligence HAS to play SOME part in it all.


Excuse me, but did I say I wanted to save my relationship? Did I say that I was unclear as to why things aren't working? Did I come on here for advice on to how to try? Again, you don't assume the worst in people? You do A LOT of assuming. If only I could make some money off of your assumptions, I'd be set! Why do you need to know these details in order to give helpful suggestions on how to get out of a relationship? If your help is contingent on whether or not you feel I am worthy in your books, then lets just say I'm not and you can go help somebody who has a moral compass you approve of. Or one you assume you approve of. Because lets face it, you have no concept of my moral compass. I'm okay with you not helping. But how about you stop with your negative contributions based on your imaginary world and need for my personal details.



DoF said:


> I just think it's really messed up to "just leave" after this guy supported her for SO long.


You have no idea how long I have or have not been trying. Thank you though.



DoF said:


> OP, don't you feel morally obligated to contribute or even pay back for what he has done for you over the years?


Honestly, this obsession you have with this... seems like money is all that one can contribute to a relationship and a life together, in your world. But no, I don't. If he had hired somebody to do all I have done and do, I guarantee they'd be paid a lot more than I was via room and board. And he is already trying to hire somebody because I'm working. I hate that I feel compelled to answer this. Because I really shouldn't care what you say. But people like you drive me nuts.

The details of why our relationship isn't working and how much I have or have not contributed IS IRRELEVANT to going forward. I'm trying to move. You should too. Or rather, please don't comment anymore.


----------



## stucknrut (Apr 28, 2014)

Starstarfish said:


> That's a lot easier said than done. With limited experience and no degree, the kinds of jobs the OP will be applying for aren't likely to be ones they will hire for long-distance.
> 
> With no savings (and people suggesting it's not her right to even save anything) how does one simply move? How do you pay for a security deposit?


Thank you for having some understanding that it's not so easy. I'm really struggling and really trying to figure something out. 

I didn't want to come on here and paint myself as a victim because I made choices that got me here. Though I was unaware of what some of those choices would mean. But still. And as I mentioned, I didn't (and still don't) see the importance of those details. But this post is exactly what I'm stressing out over. I spend any free time I have (apart from right now) looking.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

stucknrut said:


> I do have a job. I believe I mentioned that, but I can't recall. It just doesn't pay enough to get a place on my own. ALL the money I make is going to bills. I had an accident a few years ago in the states (no insurance), so I have some hefty bills from that. As well as all the typical stuff.


What about the family option? Do you have a mom/dad/sister etc you could move in with just until you have enough money to live on your own?

Also, people on this board will jump on me for suggesting this, but you could try stripping for awhile. Make enough money in a night than you currently make in a week.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

stucknrut said:


> Why are YOU making assumptions? You're comments are completely unhelpful and condescending. Also 100% based on assumption.


Some assumptions have to be made. 

If you don't give us info or talk about certain things, assumption is, there is no problem in that area.



stucknrut said:


> I didn't go into the details of the demise of my relationship and how much I have contributed (I see this is very important to you) because it's irrelevant to getting OUT of my situation.


If you want to get out of your situation. Leave



stucknrut said:


> I'm not here to complain about what he's done or hasn't. Though I have since given some of this information because of questions asked. But I still don't really see its importance. For all you knew, he could have been in a wheelchair and unable to feed himself and I've been taking care of him all this time while he writes his 2nd novel via Siri. That doesn't change anything in terms of where to go next. Maybe it would make you feel like I'm a better person and worthy of a kind response. But apparently I lost my wits about me and assumed people would be kind regardless.
> 
> And it is ironic that you say you don't want to assume the worst of people. You certainly have of me.


Where exactly have I done so?



stucknrut said:


> Excuse me, but did I say I wanted to save my relationship? Did I say that I was unclear as to why things aren't working? Did I come on here for advice on to how to try? Again, you don't assume the worst in people? You do A LOT of assuming. If only I could make some money off of your assumptions, I'd be set! Why do you need to know these details in order to give helpful suggestions on how to get out of a relationship? If your help is contingent on whether or not you feel I am worthy in your books, then lets just say I'm not and you can go help somebody who has a moral compass you approve of. Or one you assume you approve of. Because lets face it, you have no concept of my moral compass. I'm okay with you not helping. But how about you stop with your negative contributions based on your imaginary world and need for my personal details.


You are getting irritated, defensive......not a good sign. I don's see how anything I said was offensive or not kind.

You are the one that labeled "no financial contribution" as the "worst", not me.

Seems like you already know what the problem is......



stucknrut said:


> You have no idea how long I have or have not been trying. Thank you though.


You haven't tried hard enough if you have contributed 0 financially past 8 years. SORRY

It's called, financial negligence. You are and have been using him all along!



stucknrut said:


> Honestly, this obsession you have with this... seems like money is all that one can contribute to a relationship and a life together, in your world. But no, I don't. If he had hired somebody to do all I have done and do, I guarantee they'd be paid a lot more than I was via room and board. And he is already trying to hire somebody because I'm working. I hate that I feel compelled to answer this. Because I really shouldn't care what you say. But people like you drive me nuts.
> 
> The details of why our relationship isn't working and how much I have or have not contributed IS IRRELEVANT to going forward. I'm trying to move. You should too. Or rather, please don't comment anymore.


I already told you what you need to do. Find a job that pays decent and move out. 

Sounds like you just need to find another guy that will pay for you......

Sorry, but I have very little respect for people that use others. And that's exactly what you have done.

You have absolutely no idea how hard it has been on him to pull your weight all along. 

How about this. If you are so smart, tell him to quit his job and reverse roles.

Let's see if you can pull all the weight.

You might not like my advice, but feel free to look at # of likes received. And read other responses, they are all on par.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

stucknrut said:


> Wow, thanks for putting so much time into typing up that lengthy reply. You could have asked a few questions and we could have saved you both your time and effort. You sure made a lot of judgements and assumptions about my situation. To that end, your entire hateful (typical internet antics) rant, is of no use. But thanks.


Yeah, we already know you only want to hear things that you want to hear.

I'm not here to tell you that. I will tell you what I feel based on your post/info you provided.

And many others seem to agree.

There isn't much "hatefullness" in my posts.

I have a feeling you give your boyfriend the same attitude when he tells you to get your butt to work.

And now you know why your relationship is failing. If I was your boyfriend I would've kicked your butt to the curb 7+ years ago.

But he decided to be the nice guy, and you used that against him for 8 years.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Theseus said:


> What about the family option? Do you have a mom/dad/sister etc you could move in with just until you have enough money to live on your own?


Yeah, mooch of your family OP!!!!

I have a feeling they already went thru this with her and cut her off (if they are smart).

Longer she chooses to be dependent on others, more people she will lose in her life (friends, family etc).



Theseus said:


> Also, people on this board will jump on me for suggesting this, but you could try stripping for awhile. Make enough money in a night than you currently make in a week.


Actually based on her responses and maturity levels.....amongst other things......I think that is a GREAT idea.

DO IT OP!!!


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

DoF said:


> Yeah, mooch of your family OP!!!!
> 
> I have a feeling they already went thru this with her and cut her off (if they are smart).
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I have family members that have allowed themselves to be dependent on others and have made no effort on their own to become self-supporting. And you are correct. Over the years I have observed how these family members have become "users" and will not allow myself to be trapped financially due to their lack of ambition. I still love them. I care what happens. It's not like they haven't been told or haven't been offered practical advise on how to break the cycle. But I will not allow myself to be a victim of a "user". 

And yes, if there is a will, there is a way. There are many options, but the trick is to lose the "sense of entitlement" mentality and to start become accountable for one's own life. Many of us have financially struggled in the past. It has to start somewhere, even if it starts at rock bottom. Nowhere to go but up.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

survivorwife said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I have family members that have allowed themselves to be dependent on others and have made no effort on their own to become self-supporting. And you are correct. Over the years I have observed how these family members have become "users" and will not allow myself to be trapped financially due to their lack of ambition. I still love them. I care what happens. It's not like they haven't been told or haven't been offered practical advise on how to break the cycle. But I will not allow myself to be a victim of a "user".


We have a moocher or too in our family too. Don't worry.

 

I feel the same exact way. It makes me SICK to my stomach.

They wouldn't even DARE coming knocking on my door..... 



survivorwife said:


> And yes, if there is a will, there is a way. There are many options, but the trick is to lose the "sense of entitlement" mentality and to start become accountable for one's own life. Many of us have financially struggled in the past. It has to start somewhere, even if it starts at rock bottom. Nowhere to go but up.


Yep, as I like to say "if you are willing to work, everything will work out".

OP had 8 years to go to College or get a Cert and start some kind of a career/get something going. Chance are, if she did, her relationship would currently be very healthy.

But no, she decided to mooch off her boyfriend and now is whining about "how she can't afford to move cause she doesn't make enough".

Who's fault is that? YOURS OP

Please share this thread with your boyfriend OP. Cause I have a feeling it will give him perspective of things and hopefully he will kick your butt out the door like he should've many years ago.

Sorry, I know truth hurts

What's really sad is to see people in this country be so lazy. America has so much opportunity and it's taken for granted.

I come from a country where even a genius couldn't EVER become anything more than a peasant. Imagine that OP. You go to College for 8+ years and are very smart, yet you still make LESS than your McDonalds worker in US.

How about this OP. Leave and go to South America or any other 3rd world country. See what life is REALLY about, cause frankly here in US, you live in a lala land (to an extent of course).

Sounds to me like you need a reality check (which will come regardless).

Better yet, I have a better idea. Pack your bags and hit up Appalachian trail for next 6+ months. Go out there into nature and find YOURSELF. Free rent, no dependency and you will get a GREAT taste of reality.

When you get back, trust me, you will be a MUCH better and improved person!


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Can't tell you how many times I've had that fantasy.. Just packing up a few things and hitting the trail for a few months. But I need a good mattress, and hot showers and I don't like spiders.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

OP, you have my sympathy. Some posters seem to have a problem with reading comprehension or they just really, REALLY, like to rage (raging and jumping to conclusions is the only exercise some people get).

It sounds like your SO is deliberately trying to make it difficult for you to get a better job because he doesn't want to lose his assistant and housekeeper. Is it possible for you to get a bill consolidation loan which would lower your payments? A roommate might make it easier to swing a new apartment.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Can't tell you how many times I've had that fantasy.. Just packing up a few things and hitting the trail for a few months. But I need a good mattress, and hot showers and I don't like spiders.


Although I love camping, to me that is HARD CORE. I don't find myself ever being capable of that.

HOWEVER, I also realize that once you get out there, natural human instincts kick in and you adjust accordingly.

Just human nature to adjust to whatever it is that's needed. I'm sure if OP was to simply move out and rough it out, things would work out (assuming she was willing to work or course and make things right).

We all know it's also much easier to simply fall and give up......


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> OP, you have my sympathy. Some posters seem to have a problem with reading comprehension or they just really, REALLY, like to rage (raging and jumping to conclusions is the only exercise some people get).
> 
> It sounds like your SO is deliberately trying to make it difficult for you to get a better job because he doesn't want to lose his assistant and housekeeper. Is it possible for you to get a bill consolidation loan which would lower your payments? A roommate might make it easier to swing a new apartment.


Where did the OP state anything about her boyfriend holding her up/not losing his assistant/housekeeper.

Please do tell, cause that sounds like an assumption to me (although my memory is pretty bad). I just don't remember seeing that.

:scratchhead:

Even THEN, everything I said applies. She is an adult responsible for her own actions!!!


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

DoF said:


> Just human nature to adjust to whatever it is that's needed. I'm sure if OP was to simply move out and rough it out, things would work out (assuming she was willing to work or course and make things right).


Living on the street tends to make it harder to keep a job/get a better one. Why Don’t Homeless People Just Get Jobs? 
A lot of times life just doesn't all work out. Some people don't just get back on their feet. 

Sure, OP can just move out,rough it out and hope for the best (at least until winter when you can actually freeze to death in Canada) but it's not a reasonable plan. Her boyfriend hasn't kicked her out, there's no reason to leave until she has something set up for herself.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

" He owns his own business. I take care of a lot of things around that. And I can't stress how messy he is as well. I could follow him around 24/7 just cleaning up. But yes, it's more than just cleaning and cooking and grocery shopping. I pretty much don't sit down from 7am-11pm. Now that I have a job, he has to do a lot of it himself. Though I still come home to a disaster and a list of "requests" and have all those things to do. So he's not happy to say the least."

Did you miss these quoted statements in her posts?

Go to page 3 and read her posts.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Living on the street tends to make it harder to keep a job/get a better one. Why Don’t Homeless People Just Get Jobs?
> A lot of times life just doesn't all work out. Some people don't just get back on their feet.
> 
> Sure, OP can just move out,rough it out and hope for the best (at least until winter when you can actually freeze to death in Canada) but it's not a reasonable plan. Her boyfriend hasn't kicked her out, there's no reason to leave until she has something set up for herself.


I agree, I'm assuming that's all common sense.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> " He owns his own business. I take care of a lot of things around that. And I can't stress how messy he is as well. I could follow him around 24/7 just cleaning up. But yes, it's more than just cleaning and cooking and grocery shopping. I pretty much don't sit down from 7am-11pm. Now that I have a job, he has to do a lot of it himself. Though I still come home to a disaster and a list of "requests" and have all those things to do. So he's not happy to say the least."
> 
> " He owns his own business. I take care of a lot of things around that. And I can't stress how messy he is as well. I could follow him around 24/7 just cleaning up. But yes, it's more than just cleaning and cooking and grocery shopping. I pretty much don't sit down from 7am-11pm. Now that I have a job, he has to do a lot of it himself. Though I still come home to a disaster and a list of "requests" and have all those things to do. So he's not happy to say the least."
> 
> Did you miss these quoted statements in her posts?


I did miss it, but it makes 0 difference.

First, I find it rather "too good to be true". But let me just ignore that for a second. 7am-11pm.....come on now.

Second - she shouldn't be ALWAYS cleaning his mess. That's enabling him to do it more. I'm assuming she covers usual cleaning/cooking/shopping.

Third - regardless of above, she should still be pursuing some kind of a career or a job during past 8 years. She didn't do that and now has disabled herself from being independent etc.

I'm SURE her boyfriend didn't hold a gun to her head and stop her from doing that either. 

She is her own person responsible for her own future. And if someone prevents it, you separate yourself from that person as it's not healthy.

Everything I said prior to this still stands, I'm afraid.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

DoF said:


> I agree, I'm assuming that's all common sense.


Good. Then you realize that it's not always as simple as



DoF said:


> Yep, as I like to say "if you are willing to work, everything will work out".


She can't build a time travel machine. Anything she _should have_ done is pretty much irrelevant now. She wasn't asking how to change her past, she was asking how to change her future.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Good. Then you realize that it's not always as simple as
> 
> 
> 
> She can't build a time travel machine. Anything she _should have_ done is pretty much irrelevant now. She wasn't asking how to change her past, she was asking how to change her future.


And we already answered that (# of members). 

Better job and education. 

BUT FIRST, OP needs to acknowledge and realize what has actually happened in the past and as far as I can see, she is ignoring it/getting offensive about the subject.

First step of addressing the issue is accepting it/identifying it.



And once she does that, I still think she will have a better perspective on her relationship and feel more obligated to contribute/fix things vs "run".

I still don't sense that from OP, not even CLOSE.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Wouldas, couldas and shouldas and assumptions. She is trying to separate herself and needs advice rather than recriminations.

Your statements were based on assumptions and are therefore totally invalid.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Wouldas, couldas and shouldas and assumptions. She is trying to separate herself and needs advice rather than recriminations.
> 
> Your statements were based on assumptions and are therefore totally invalid.


I don't agree with that.

No job for 8 years is a FACT, not an assumption. She has contributed NOTHING financial until recently.

She has been mooching off her boyfriend, it's financial negligence. 

And I already told you about "certain level of assumptions" that both you and I already made (you are not innocent on this end, sorry).

As for your first statement, how can one live the future if they ignore the past? 

OP has to LEARN from her mistake and again, I just don't see that AT ALL right now. She seems self entitled, arrogant and spoiled with her responses.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

DoF said:


> No job for 8 years is a FACT, not an assumption. She has contributed NOTHING financial until recently.


You thinking her relationship problems will or can be fixed if she had a better job is an assumption. We have no idea the extent of her relationship issues. A better job could have just as likely made her want to "run" sooner. 

He willingly stayed in the situation, benefiting from it as well. She has no obligation to stay and fix things if she wants out.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

DoF said:


> I don't agree with that.
> 
> No job for 8 years is a FACT, not an assumption. She has contributed NOTHING financial until recently.
> 
> ...



What a bunch of self-serving drivel! I didn't make any assumptions because I actually read her posts.

So you don't consider her being actively involved in his business as contributing financially? If what she did was so trite, why is he hiring someone to replace her skills?

Her posts seem self entitled, arrogant and spoiled to you because she called you on your BS and she did so quite eloquently, I must say.


----------



## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

DoF said:


> And we already answered that (# of members).
> 
> Better job and education.
> 
> ...



I don't see where the OP is 'running'. She's not asking how to fix her relationship. She wants help with how to leave her boyfriend. You don't know anything about her to know for sure that she's the cause of their problems


----------



## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

DoF said:


> I don't agree with that.
> 
> No job for 8 years is a FACT, not an assumption. She has contributed NOTHING financial until recently.
> 
> ...



Are you projecting?


----------



## bigbearsfan (Feb 11, 2014)

> But some details I do think would be important to mention. I'm 35 years old. While I have attending more university than the average person, I do not have a degree due to changing my major several times. I do not have a savings. I do not have a lot of work experience either. I spent the first 6-7 years after high school going to university for one thing or another. Can you say waste of money in my case? When I met my partner I was working and living on my own and had just gotten out of a relationship (who I lived with). I was barely getting by and used up my savings to cover costs. About 2 years into our relationship, I moved in with a friend because I could no longer afford to be on my own. 6 months of that, and my friend moved to another city. My partner and I decided to move in together. Ever since then, he has been supporting us. Basically I've been a stay at home wife who cooks, cleans, and so forth. And for all of you who have done it, you know it's a more than full time job and is undervalued.


By reading what she first wrote I would have to agree with DoF. I'm sure there is more to the story.
Anyways, OP are you going to get a degree in anything or did you quit school all together?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

There is always more to the story. As you could see if you had bothered to read the rest of her posts which DoF didn't.

Why do you care if she is going to get a degree or if she quit school? What bearing does that have on her dilemma?


----------



## bigbearsfan (Feb 11, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> There is always more to the story. As you could see if you had bothered to read the rest of her posts which DoF didn't.
> 
> Why do you care if she is going to get a degree or if she quit school? What bearing does that have on her dilemma?


Blondi, don't go anti man on me. I just stated what the op posted and I agreed with DoF to an extent. To me this seems like that whole Zanne thread and all the women jump to her side when someone questions her story and I see the same traits here. 
Why does my question have bearing to her situation? If she has been going to school for that long, she would have to be close to be able to get some degree? People who go to college that long would be close to be coming a doctor by now.
Would you think that if she is close to a degree and she has decent grades she could get finical support and live on campus? (option to move out)
Having a degree would improve her job search for higher pay wouldn't you think.(depending the degree).


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> You thinking her relationship problems will or can be fixed if she had a better job is an assumption. We have no idea the extent of her relationship issues. A better job could have just as likely made her want to "run" sooner. out.


ANY relationship will suffer and have issues with balance is disrupted.

It's common sense and a safe assumption.



SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> He willingly stayed in the situation, benefiting from it as well. She has no obligation to stay and fix things if she wants out.


Not disagreeing with that.



spinsterdurga said:


> Are you projecting?


Maybe, you can say that. I'm simply trying to put myself in his shoes and looking at her entire situation.

I think she should do that too!


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> There is always more to the story. As you could see if you had bothered to read the rest of her posts which DoF didn't.
> 
> Why do you care if she is going to get a degree or if she quit school? What bearing does that have on her dilemma?



Instead of worrying about what DoF read (or didn't read) do you have any advise for the OP?

Would not having a degree assist the OP in finding a better paying job and help her to get on her feet (which is the "dilemma" she had on her first post - without the additional information she added later)?


----------



## bigbearsfan (Feb 11, 2014)

survivorwife said:


> Instead of worrying about what DoF read (or didn't read) do you have any advise for the OP?
> 
> Would not having a degree assist the OP in finding a better paying job and help her to get on her feet (which is the "dilemma" she had on her first post - without the additional information she added later)?


Exactly! :smthumbup:


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> What a bunch of self-serving drivel! I didn't make any assumptions because I actually read her posts.


Now you are assuming I didn't read it either (I did). 



Blondilocks said:


> So you don't consider her being actively involved in his business as contributing financially? If what she did was so trite, why is he hiring someone to replace her skills?


She should've asked to be hired upon 1 or 2 weeks of good work. Any other decent human being would and I'm sure her boyfriend would have enough decency to pay her as well.

THAT OR, ask him to contribute the income based off work towards household expenses.

All the issues here seem to revolve around her enabling him and him enabling her.



Blondilocks said:


> Her posts seem self entitled, arrogant and spoiled to you because she called you on your BS and she did so quite eloquently, I must say.


You call that "calling my out on my BS".

Okie dokie, I thought her reply simply validated my posts if anything.

We will agree to disagree.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

DoF said:


> ANY relationship will suffer and have issues with balance is disrupted.
> 
> It's common sense and a safe assumption.


Lots of relationships are unbalanced when it comes to money, that in itself doesn't guarantee suffering. 

There's no point trying to talk her into staying with someone she doesn't want to be with. if she wanted her relationship fixed she would have asked for that advice. 

Her going back to school means student loans (if she hasn't already maxed out), which means in addition to STILL starting at the bottom, if she's lucky and gets to use her degree at all, she will have another ridiculously large bill to pay every month.
If she's wanting to get out quickly, she might be better off without school.


----------



## bigbearsfan (Feb 11, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Lots of relationships are unbalanced when it comes to money, that in itself doesn't guarantee suffering.
> 
> There's no point trying to talk her into staying with someone she doesn't want to be with. if she wanted her relationship fixed she would have asked for that advice.
> 
> ...


That's not all true, if she has the grades, she could get scholarships or some finical assistance. 
Why would she have to start at the bottom? I didn't realize college credits get wiped out when you stop going to school.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Lots of relationships are unbalanced when it comes to money, that in itself doesn't guarantee suffering.


In time, it will. Sorry I don't agree. 



SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> There's no point trying to talk her into staying with someone she doesn't want to be with. if she wanted her relationship fixed she would have asked for that advice.


First, I'm not trying to talk her into ANYTHING. I'm just giving her different perspective and advice.

There is a GOOD reason why she is in this relationship. Even though she has given up, it doesn't mean that once she sees/recognized reality it doesn't bring them back together or possibly save it.

I always lean more towards retaining relationship vs leaving. But that's just me. She can ignore my advice if she chooses to, and so can you if you don't agree with it.



SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Her going back to school means student loans (if she hasn't already maxed out), which means in addition to STILL starting at the bottom, if she's lucky and gets to use her degree at all, she will have another ridiculously large bill to pay every month.
> If she's wanting to get out quickly, she might be better off without school.


NOTHING IS EASY, EVER.

Like I said before, she will HAVE TO deal with the consequences of her actions rather she likes it or not. THAT'S why it's important to figure out WHAT happened/HOW it happened so that it can be prevented in the future.

So if you give her EXACT advice that she requires, it only helps her partially.

By digging in deep and addressing core issues, lessons learned and how not to let it happen again is a better advice and lot more useful IMO.

I just think whatever issue comes up in ANY relationship. One has to look int he mirror first and make sure they are doing their best/what can they do better.

LONG LONG LONG before they start focusing on their SO.

Marriage/Relationship is a UNION/PARTNERSHIP. When there is an issue with one, usually there is an issue with the other. 

I have never seen a relationship issue that ONLY applied to 1 partner, and not the other. 

At least that's what I've learned in my life/my relationship.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

bigbearsfan said:


> That's not all true, if she has the grades, she could get scholarships or some finical assistance.
> Why would she have to start at the bottom? I didn't realize college credits get wiped out when you stop going to school.


Yep, and I'm pretty sure if I can qualify for assistance WITH a full time job, someone with no income/net worth etc SURELY can as well.

Besides, loan gets paid ONCE you graduate too....


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

DoF"I did miss it, but it makes 0 difference."

The OP hasn't been in uni for about ten (?) years and kept changing her major. Some credits may not transfer as curricula change and ten year old knowledge in some subjects is pretty much worthless. Yes, a degree would definitely help her eventually. But, not now.

See my previous suggestions of a bill consolidation loan or a roommate if you want to see my advice.

Finally, am not anti-man. Am anti-ignorance and particularly anti-deliberate ignorance.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

I agree that she needs to go back to school to be financially independent. However DOF, you blamed her for her relationship trouble and that is not helpful. Saying she needs to get a college degree is helpful but saying that she is smooching off of her bf is not


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## stucknrut (Apr 28, 2014)

DoF said:


> I'm simply trying to put myself in his shoes and looking at her entire situation.
> 
> I think she should do that too!


Haha. You really are incapable of comprehension. I'm sorry, but you made your mind up about me from the start. You don't know my "entire situation" so I wonder just how you're doing this? And why would I list it. You're missing the point. It's IRRELEVANT to the situation of getting out. Even so, when I do give details now they're "too good to be true." Or whatever your wording was. You are a walking contradiction. You jump on others for assuming I'm in a bad situation, yet you do nothing but make assumptions. Then you back that up with "I don't like to think the worst of people" yet, that's all you've done.

And a little fact is, in the absence of information, there IS another option rather than filling in the blanks yourself. You said I gave you no other choice by not providing details. Well, I did. You could have asked first. OR, even better, realized that regardless of the details, I'm in a situation asking for people to tell me how they got out of similar situations.

Me not wanting you to post in this thread has nothing to do with me only wanting to hear what I want to hear. It has to do with me not wanting you turning the entire conversation into an attack on my character instead of addressing the issue. I do hope you're not a lawyer. You need evidence for this kind of incrimination. 

You clearly have too much time on your hands! Post after post after post on a topic that you can't seem to stay on. Why bother? Are you lonely? Are you bored? It's clear you don't agree with my situation and think I'm just the bad guy here. Though your thoughts are entirely misguided (read: not guided at all), why waste your time chiming in? Wouldn't you just want to move on and not deal with a person such as myself?

I'm asking you politely now, please stop posting in this thread. You have completely hijacked it and I'm actually just wanting some advice from people that have an understanding of my situation. You don't, and that's fine. So please spend your time elsewhere.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You never responded to my suggestion about finding a job somewhere that included room and board. Is that an option?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stucknrut (Apr 28, 2014)

For everybody else who has been kind and actually sees that the details of how I got where I am don't really matter, thanks for coming to be defense. There are always bullies on the internet who just have nothing better to do than try to take people down and make them feel like they feel.


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## stucknrut (Apr 28, 2014)

PBear said:


> You never responded to my suggestion about finding a job somewhere that included room and board. Is that an option?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes. Because I feel like DOF has completely taken over this thread and it's hard for me to read his rants then shift to people actually making suggestions. I feel compelled to reply to him because he's unbelievable. I know I shouldn't feed it.

I have been looking for room and board type situations. I have no experience with kids though, so unless I knew somebody with a kid who needed that, I don't think they'd hire me. I've responded to a few postings, but haven't heard back or they wanted somebody with experience. Not a lot of room and board postings. I keep looking though.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

What about a waitressing job? You could save up your tips while still putting your paycheque towards the current home.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

stucknrut said:


> Yes. Because I feel like DOF has completely taken over this thread and it's hard for me to read his rants then shift to people actually making suggestions. I feel compelled to reply to him because he's unbelievable. I know I shouldn't feed it.


Unbelievable ehh?

:scratchhead:

Many people in this thread had similar advice as me and some even liked my comments.

How many likes/agreements have you gotten?

And you still haven't acknowledged any wrong doing on your part.

I find that unbelievable. But you see, none of that matter to any of us. But it WILL matter to you.

Good luck, sorry if I "hijacked the thread", that wasn't my intention.

And yes, I believe in tough love. OP needs it anyways.


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