# Falsely accused of flirting



## modernknight (Apr 24, 2015)

I went swimming with my girlfriend this weekend for an early morning swim.
We put our bag down at the side of the pool, jumped in the pool and swam a few lengths.

During this time, I looked toward our bag a few times because I was a little worried that someone would take it. It contained wallet, phone, car keys, etc.

Toward the end of the swim, my girlfriend was obviously angry about something.

She then accused me of looking several times at another woman, that the other woman also looked back at me, and that we "flirted" with each other at a distance. I think she mistook my looking at my bag for looking at someone else!

I was shocked because I had not "flirted" with anyone! Sure, I had "looked around". I noticed the big guy with the tattoo who was swimming, the grandmother with her grandchild, and so on, but flirting? oggling? excessive looking at a female? no! 

My girlfriend would not accept my denial and insisted I was lying. She then spend the rest of the weekend very angry with me because I implied it was all in her imagination and if I only "admitted the truth" everything would be okay.

But... I don't want to be dishonest and admit to doing something I did not do; even if it might have a short term benefit. She wants me to say "okay, I looked, I flirted, and that was terrible of me". I don't feel that's right. Why should I admit to something I did not do!? Besides... I know her enough to know that if I took that approach she would bring that up again that I admitted to looking and probably use it against me in the future.

We have had this issue many times. I'm fed up of the accusations.

What I do not understand is.... why the hell is she not prepared to even consider that I might actually be telling the truth?! It's like a badge of honor to her that her intuition is right. She said that I make her feel like she is crazy when I lie about looking. But I am not lying! God... it makes me so mad.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

This kind of raging jealousy and accusing you of lying is Not Good. Like Bad.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening. 
I would not want to be with someone who would become irate if I glanced in the direction of another woman and smiled. So even if you did what she accused, I don't see it as a problem. 

Pretending a lack of interest in all other people when you are in a relationship is a form of lying - and not something anyone should insist on.

Active flirting - flirting designed to make a connection for future contact is an entirely different thing.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Based on your earlier thread about fighting over a parking situation = lack of trust. You and your GF have a really immature relationship.

How old are you and your GF?


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Sounds like un-requited jealousy. She's insecure & wants a constant confirmation of your attention, and or her imagination , she sees you as a flirt-er, but you think you are "normal social" person.

If this comes up so much, you need to sit down and have conversation with her. Tell her you are fed up with the accusations. If she doesn't understand that you don't flirt with others, and doesn't get that you like her, then you are willing to walk away. Let her know where she stands, but say you are firm... that if she cannot start to show signs of trust, acceptance, you're out.


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## modernknight (Apr 24, 2015)

If you all want a great example of what it's like. i.e. the kind of looking that results in trouble and the kind of reaction that follows, this youtube video is an eerily close representation of what happens. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dba9hSAOIdY
@kristin2349 We're both in our late thirties.
@Chelle D Thanks. I've tried this approach and it has not worked in the past. I've suggested couples counselling which has been refused. However... a couple years ago we had a break and I came back on the premise that she do something about jealousy. She has been seeing a therapist for a couple years now but as you see we still have the problem. I also see that threatening the end of the relationship only makes matters worse. I could leave for good, maybe I should, I don't know.
@richardsharpe Thanks Richard. I've never had this problem with other girlfriends (both serious and short-term). For me, it's normal to "look around" and observe ones surroundings including a little people watching. I've seen men smile at my girlfriend and even say "hi" sometimes as they pass. I've never had a problem with it and accept it. As you say, pretending a lack of interest in other people is a form of lying. There's a truth in that. It takes a hell of a lot of energy to constantly be on guard. I do not want to be with someone like this either which is why I'm so frustrated right now.


The bottom line is that I think she is so scared of losing me that she is sabotaging the relationship. I don't think she is choosing to be evil. I've written before that I should get some counselling. I still haven't done it. I need to go and talk to a professional. I can't sit here waiting for her to change and find myself alone and angry in twenty years time. It's probably better that I talk to someone and avoid that kind of future. Whether that means working on myself, or moving on from this relationship.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

Why is everyone writing 'Not Good' starting in capital letters? Am i missing something?
Anyway yes, get yourself some IC because there is something within YOU which allows yourself to be treated this way and that needs to be addressed.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I don't think she is evil, but her actions are destructive. She needs to understand (through counseling, or maybe even just talking to friends) that this sort of behavior is much more likely to make her lose you than the chance that you will be picked up by some random woman.


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## kindnessrules (Sep 5, 2014)

Being accused of flirting is very hurtful especially when you are innocent. Some possibilities:

1. Did she previously have a cheating boyfriend and is possibly still very sensitive?

2. Is she a flirt herself? "If you spot it, you got it." Cheats usually think the other person is cheating too. 

3. She may be an insecure, possessive person. 

Time to have a serious talk. Some people are very insecure and possessive. It may never have a good outcome because you can not make them feel secure and you will drive yourself crazy trying. Trust me, personal experience.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

By definition, "flirting" requires some action beyond seeing or noticing. Did you notice scantily clad women around the pool? If you didn't, you are either gay or blind. You are presumably a heterosexual male. As such, you notice women you find sexually attractive. That is good news for your girlfriend because that means you find her sexually attractive.

If she wants to be with a guy who doesn't see other women, she needs to date a man who is blind, gay, or sexually impotent. 

We date because we wish to find out if potential mates are long-term relationship material. You'll have to decide if the one you are with is mature, secure, and reasonable enough to justify continued dating. Sounds like she likes to play hysterical head games and engage in emotional blackmail. Whatever she looks like, she sounds like she's more drama than she's worth. Do you want to live with your prosecutor or your partner?


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

You should not let this stand. Time to pop smoke and run.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

modernknight said:


> @kristin2349 We're both in our late thirties.


OH HELL NO.

This is the drama you have when you are in your teens.



modernknight said:


> I've written before that I should get some counselling. I still haven't done it. I need to go and talk to a professional.


Here is where I'll save you tons of money.

Tell her to get out of your life.

Problem solved.

Too scared you might "hurt" her feelings then tell her this "Honey, I know you don't trust me. I know you will never trust me. I can't be with someone that can't trust me nor will change so that she can trust me. I know out there, there is someone that will make you feel safe, secure and will be the one you can trust. I now release you to be free of the burden of not trusting me."

Then leave and don't *EVER* look back


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

She thinks she owns you. This kind of early manipulation spells doom for a relationship. Do not marry this girl. Let her go find someone else who will accept this kind of behavior.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

snerg said:


> Here is where I'll save you tons of money.
> 
> Tell her to get out of your life.
> 
> ...


I like this. This is good. 

Because the lack of trust is hurting her, too.

Honestly, though, is is a little manipulative... but any time you bend the truth because YOU are afraid of hurting someone else's feelings, it's going to be manipulative. The statement above isn't lying, but it is leaving out a LOT.

And if the OP is afraid of hurting her feelings, he's taking on too much responsibility for her emotions, and that's unhealthy, too. So I wouldn't necessarily encourage unhealthy behavior.


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