# Absolute paranoia



## emh914 (Nov 9, 2014)

It will be 6 weeks tomorrow since I found out about my husbands EA. It was mainly via texting and email. They stopped talking on November 5th. I check his phone, text messages, emails, work phone, phone bill. Anything you can think of, I check it. I feel crazy. It's consuming my life. Every time he picks up his phone, I think he is talking to her. It's turned into absolute paranoia. Is this normal? When will it stop? I see a counselor every week and we see a couples therapist every other week. He says he wants to work things out, but I am not sure. How do you go from talking to someone all day, everyday to just stopping. He says he doesn't even think about her. I feel like I think about her (them) all the time. He lets me check is phone whenever I want, but he isn't really doing much else. I feel like I need a little extra love and I don't feel like I am getting that. He's deffinity not going out of his way to make me feel special. he has never been a super Lovey/emotional person anyway though. And I just being paranoid? Part of me doesn't even want to try anymore. It's just to hard. Being 10 weeks pregnant is not helping anything either.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

You're only 6 weeks out from D-Day. It's called hypervigilance and is a normal part of the grieving process. You just suffered an extremely emotional traumatic event. It will fade as the months go by...if you find nothing. It's no different than being robbed, then being fearful of going outdoors, etc.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

emh914 said:


> It will be 6 weeks tomorrow since I found out about my husbands EA. It was mainly via texting and email. They stopped talking on November 5th. I check his phone, text messages, emails, work phone, phone bill. Anything you can think of, I check it. I feel crazy. It's consuming my life. Every time he picks up his phone, I think he is talking to her. It's turned into absolute paranoia. Is this normal? When will it stop? I see a counselor every week and we see a couples therapist every other week. He says he wants to work things out, but I am not sure. How do you go from talking to someone all day, everyday to just stopping. He says he doesn't even think about her. I feel like I think about her (them) all the time. He lets me check is phone whenever I want, but he isn't really doing much else. I feel like I need a little extra love and I don't feel like I am getting that. He's deffinity not going out of his way to make me feel special. he has never been a super Lovey/emotional person anyway though. And I just being paranoid? Part of me doesn't even want to try anymore. It's just to hard. Being 10 weeks pregnant is not helping anything either.



Sorry you are here, but if this is how things are going, I don't see a good future for you. The trust is broken and he is not doing much to rebuild/ regain it and this is going to be the downfall. I had the same thing happen to me. STBXW let me see the phone whenever I wanted but wasn't "enthusiastic" about it. The attitude got old and when I realized that no matter how much I checked the old stuff, there was always new stuff that could be there (I knew she could make a new email, FB, social account, app, and burner phone appear at will and I would never be the wiser and was our down fall eventually.) 

I wish you the luck, but unless he starts contributing I don't see a sunny outlook in the future for you. It will take time to stop being the jailer.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

well of course you feel the way you do. Newly found EA, pregnant, not much heavy lifting from him.

Have you two discussed MC? It may help address boundaries and communication issues?

Have you told him what you want or need, or how this made you feel?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

There is an affair recovery program that may help you guys. Your heart and mind are looking for emotional closure and it won't stop til it finds it. What you are looking from him is acknowledgement of the pain he has caused. The program that my H and I used was www.affairrecovery.com and they walk the WS through the process of understanding the pain of the BS. Very effectively.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lordmayhem said:


> You're only 6 weeks out from D-Day. It's called hypervigilance and is a normal part of the grieving process. You just suffered an extremely emotional traumatic event. It will fade as the months go by...if you find nothing. It's no different than being robbed, then being fearful of going outdoors, etc.


Exactly. And it sucks.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Exactly. And it sucks.


Yes, yes it does


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## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

What an a$$hole. You are pregnant and he had an EA?

I have sympathy for your unborn child.


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## sxyblkcaramel78 (Dec 14, 2014)

My husband told me a couple weeks ago he was having an emotional affair with a woman out of state. He said he ended the romantic part but he hasn't stopped texting with her. I understand how you feel. The trust is basically gone. You love them, but can't trust as far as you can throw them. I want to look at his phone but he would go on about his privacy. At least you can look. I will say if you want to make it work, tell him what you need to see as far as behavior. Don't expect to trust immediately because he has been untrustworthy. Trust has to rebuild.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

sxyblkcaramel78 said:


> My husband told me a couple weeks ago he was having an emotional affair with a woman out of state. He said he ended the romantic part but he hasn't stopped texting with her. I understand how you feel. The trust is basically gone. You love them, but can't trust as far as you can throw them. I want to look at his phone but he would go on about his privacy. At least you can look. I will say if you want to make it work, tell him what you need to see as far as behavior. Don't expect to trust immediately because he has been untrustworthy. Trust has to rebuild.


As long as he's still in contact w/ her, the affair is ongoing.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

emh914 said:


> Am I just being paranoid? Part of me doesn't even want to try anymore. It's just to hard. Being 10 weeks pregnant is not helping anything either.


Paranoia is like pregnancy my girl, it tends to get worse over time . In your case however, you're not paranoid. You just have heightened awareness.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

emh914 said:


> It will be 6 weeks tomorrow since I found out about my husbands EA. It was mainly via texting and email. They stopped talking on November 5th. I check his phone, text messages, emails, work phone, phone bill. Anything you can think of, I check it. I feel crazy. It's consuming my life. Every time he picks up his phone, I think he is talking to her. It's turned into absolute paranoia. Is this normal? When will it stop? I see a counselor every week and we see a couples therapist every other week. He says he wants to work things out, but I am not sure. How do you go from talking to someone all day, everyday to just stopping. He says he doesn't even think about her. I feel like I think about her (them) all the time. He lets me check is phone whenever I want, but he isn't really doing much else. I feel like I need a little extra love and I don't feel like I am getting that. He's deffinity not going out of his way to make me feel special. he has never been a super Lovey/emotional person anyway though. And I just being paranoid? Part of me doesn't even want to try anymore. It's just to hard. Being 10 weeks pregnant is not helping anything either.


He doesn't even think about her?

That's twaddle. He is telling a lie to make you feel better, but that kind of lie does not help the wronged person. You.

He needs to be truthful.


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## sxyblkcaramel78 (Dec 14, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> As long as he's still in contact w/ her, the affair is ongoing.


Why do you say the affair is ongoing?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

sxyblkcaramel78 said:


> Why do you say the affair is ongoing?


Uhhh... because he's still talking w/ her.


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## sxyblkcaramel78 (Dec 14, 2014)

I see.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Uhhh... because he's still talking w/ her.


Yep, as long as contact is still maintained there is no chance for the "smitten" feelings to disappear and regress. As long as contact is made the feelings will persist.


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