# Need Advice



## Wafflechunk

This could be a long story. I am posting this in here because the issue in our relationship is because of religion.

First a little background info. I was raised pretty religious (Lutheran), but since I have moved out I do not go to church more than once or twice a year, but I still believe in everything I was taught growing up. My wife was not raised to be religious and since her grandmother that she was extremely close to passed away several years ago, she is even less religious and blames God for taking her grandmother away too soon.

Before we had our son almost 2 years ago our marriage felt like it was going pretty good. My wife got pregnant (planned) and during her pregnancy I bought up that I wanted our child to be baptized. My wife said she didn't want it, but I was so stuck on the idea that we ended up going through with it when our son was about 3 months old. Since the day our son was baptized our marriage has gone down a steep hill and I'm afraid of what might be coming next. I love my wife with all my heart, but because I didn't listen to her about the baptism she does not believe most of what I say to her now. Also, because I didn't listen to her about the baptism, she says that I never listen to her at all. Sometimes I feel she says that just because I don't agree with her in other situations even though I am listening and understand the point she is trying to make. I'm still hopeful that I can earn her trust back and eventually get our marriage going back to what it used to be. The way she talks to me, it feels like she has no faith that it can ever happen and keeps saying that we're going to get divorced, which is beyond the last thing that I would ever want to happen. Before our son was baptized I would have never imagined that things would have become what they are today. As much as I believe baptizing my son was the best thing for him, I wish I talked it over more and looked for a compromise, but at the time, my head was too far up my own ass. 

A while ago she proposed a couple things that I could do that might help get things back on track, but life has been so hectic with the baby and work (we both work) that I'm distracted or can't find time to work on those couple things. This makes things even worse, because now she thinks that I don't consider our marriage a high priority. The things she proposed was:
1) Find some alternatives to a baptism
2) Figure out what we will say to the 2nd child (if we have one) if they ask why our first child was baptized and they weren't.

I have done research on #1 and found some ideas, such as Baby Blessings and Naming Ceremonies. I am at a complete loss for #2 at the moment, because it seems no matter how you go about it, its like telling them that one of them was more important than the other.

I could use some advice on things I can do to help earn my wife's trust back and be a better listener and also with the #2 issue. Please help!


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## accept

I dont hold up much hope. Almost all wars are fought on religion and you have one on. Apart from completely giving in I see no option. If she is so against God it was wrong to force it on her. Unless you can somehow get her to change her mind and start believing.


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## myelw316

I have a suggestion for the second proposition.
I know that with me, (I was raised Methodist, though my mom was raised Luthern) I was baptised at age 12. It was uncomfortable for me, so I knew I would want to have my children done as infants.
We have 4 kids.
Baby one: son was baptised at 8 weeks
Baby two: daughter baptised at 5 months
Baby three and four on same day: baby three-our son was 9! Baby four-daughter was 1!

Here's the thing about baptism: My kids weren't all baptised at the same age. 
Things do NOT have to be as black and white as you make them and if you DO truly TRULY believe in God, then you must ALSO believe and know that when you, as a believer, pray for your spouse-who is one with you-that God can change their heart.
Do not baptise #2 unless and until your wife wants this. Allow her space and the choice to decide she DOES want it. Believe in God and that God will help HER decide that she doesn't want the children to feel different.
I am just now learning ....17 years into my marriage....it is true that my husband actually has his own life and opinion and I don't get to make them for him. PERIOD. I am separated now but we are working on reconciliation...because, in part, of my failure to allow him to have a voice in our marriage EQUAL to min.
Do not make baptism an issue. 
You have vowed to love, honor and cherish your WIFE. Do it.
She says no...you got your way the first time, now it is up to God and her. The child can have it explained to them and if they want to do it themself someday, you can attend, but that is if God doesn't intervene in the meantime.

And for your #1, there is a 'child dedication ceremony' you could do and not call it baptism or make it religious.

But seriously, I'd just drop it....God loves children, isn't going to save one sibling over another because you as a father chose to honor the children's mother and put HER above your self and your own wants.


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## that_girl

I wonder why this wasn't discussed before marriage? Religion in the household is a huge factor with children...I made a similar error with my first, as her father is atheist and I am not. Since we were not married, and he was barely around the first year, I didn't ask him permission to do anything but the weight was still there.

I, personally, am not a fan of baptism until the person can decide for him/herself. Maybe a dedication is better? Then when the child is older, you and your wife can agree on baptism?


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## accept

*Things do NOT have to be as black and white as you make them and if you DO truly TRULY believe in God, then you must ALSO believe and know that when you, as a believer, pray for your spouse-who is one with you-that God can change their heart.*
I am not such a great believer in God. That prayer helps for such things and I wouldnt base marriage on it either.


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## myelw316

accept: I thought for a second you were the original poster, but realized you weren't.

Either way, sometimes people make things 'black or white' when they simply do NOT have to be that way. Some things are black and white, but this whole website is a site to help people work through marital issues ... and some of the issues are black/white for others (esp when they, themselves haven't dealt with that issue) and gray area for the rest.

This doesn't seem an either or issue to me....esp since they are already married with a child. Work it out. Go ask the minister. Don't like the minister's answer, ask another...ask again...eventually you'll run across an idea both husband/wife can live with.


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