# Marriage with Surprise Herpes - Please Help



## headtotail (Jun 26, 2009)

Hi, I am married (2 years now) to an extraordinary woman -- she is beautiful inside and out, a yogi, healer, so uplifting and kind. Though our relationship has been entirely monogamous, of this I am entirely certain, she was given a visual diagnosis of HSV-2, followed by a lab diagnosis, a little more than a year ago. (That's genital herpes). It was a complete shock to us both. Though I've had very few sexual partners, I have routinely had myself tested for the gamut. My tests have always come back completely clean, even for HSV 1 and 2, and all subsequent tests -- the last conducted about two months ago -- are also clean. (I've had them run every possible HSV test on me). I just don't have it. She does. 

She has had extremely frequent -- as in, almost monthly -- outbreaks. It has greatly reduced our ability to have sex. As she is a very health-conscious person -- organic food, essential oils, no pharmacies, etc. -- she will not take Valtrex or other prescription meds to relieve symptoms, and nothing else has really seemed to work. So for weeks at a time, we're not having sex. Not long after her diagnosis, and despite my clean bill of health, she abruptly put a ban on oral sex, giving or receiving, so there's no intimacy in that fashion either. 

I am trying to be loving, patient, and supportive through all of this. My wife is a truly amazing woman, but the sexual component of our relationship was always a very meaningful one -- a soulful, spiritual, joyful way to connect -- and its absence is an ongoing challenge for me. 

Sexually, I feel completely neutered; I cannot be the sexual aggressor or initiator. I have to constantly wait to see if she's "available." (I know this is deeply frustrating for her too). I'm feeling diminished as a man, both by way of expressing myself to her and by way of receiving pleasure from her. (If she's having an outbreak, then we're both simply out of luck). 

Emotionally, I'm having a really hard time with this. I miss the emotional closeness that a loving sexual relationship offers. Additionally, we would very much like to have a child together, but would really like to have a home birth (as she did with her first child); herpes can exponentially reduce the possibilities of a home birth, and can even complicate pregnancy and delivery from all the research we've done.

What's more, I'm very angry about having to deal with this. She has often reflected on her free and expressive younger days, and the ways she has played and enjoyed herself in the past. I feel like I'm now stuck with the bill -- and the brick walls; the outbreaks, more specifically -- of someone else's good time. I'm the clean-up guy. It drives me crazy having to hear about her past or know that she even occasionally, strictly platonically, speaks to ex-boyfriends. I feel absolutely stuck in someone else's mess, deprived now for a good time once had. I know this is wrong-thinking, but I feel like I cannot connect with my wife in a very meaningful way. (Of couse, it's not nearly the only way, but it is an important one). 

I guess my question is two-fold: 1) anyone have any ideas about how to emotionally work through these issues and grow a greater intimacy and bond with my wife? and 2) is it safe to have oral sex if one partner has HSV-2, what other sexual ways have you found to connect with your partner when only one of you is infected, what all-natural ways have you found to possibly relieve HSV-2 symptoms? 

I am sad. I am angry. I am disappointed, even, in the ways I am handling this situation. I miss the freedom and the romance and the clarity and connectedness our relationship once had, and am determined and devoted to work things out. I appreciate your input and insight, most truly.

Thank you so much.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

headtotail said:


> As she is a very health-conscious person -- organic food, essential oils, no pharmacies, etc. -- she will not take Valtrex or other prescription meds to relieve symptoms, and nothing else has really seemed to work. So for weeks at a time, we're not having sex. Not long after her diagnosis, and despite my clean bill of health, she abruptly put a ban on oral sex, giving or receiving, so there's no intimacy in that fashion either.


Health obsessed with a philosophy as opposed to health conscious.

She is mistaken in her beliefs that avoiding medical science is healthy.

Why? 

BTW, allowing herself to be treated for a viral infection will improve her life and yours.

BTW II, are you sure she has been faithful?


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

As for your release...what about a hand job? 

Or (her giving) oral? 

I know that doesn't do much for her...but you could use a dildo while she's doing the hand or mouth thing...there are way and there are ways...


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Here in Atlanta the statistic that 1-4 people have this condition.

people do not practice safe sex because they are afraid to go to the stinking pharmacy to buy condems as kids.

It is spreading liek wildfire in schools down here. It is sad how many people have this.

Don't be mad at her due to her youth, she made some stupid decisions back in the day, we all do that, we been lucky not to get it.

But if you love her you will get by this, would you give up on her if she had cancer?


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

That she has a contagious disease and will not take medical treatment to decrease her outbreaks only means you will most likely get it.
It would greatly reduce the ability to enjoy sex for anyone.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Someone very close to me and who is a medical professional has told me that treatment is extremely effective for married couples--there is absolutely NO reason for her to be suffering like this or for your marriage to be suffering, either. 

She may be feeling very guilty or having other problems coping with her dx, so talk to her. I know my friend had a very, very difficult time adjusting to the dx.


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## unhappyinky (Jul 10, 2011)

I found out my wife gave me herpes a year before we married. I felt I had no other option at the time. We have had three beautiful children through natural birth with no problems. We have other problems but through the years, monogamous sex seems to help it go away. If you love her truely, you will work through this.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

michzz said:


> Health obsessed with a philosophy as opposed to health conscious.
> 
> She is mistaken in her beliefs that avoiding medical science is healthy.
> 
> ...


Agree completely. No natural remedy is going to attack this virus at its point of replication which is the only way to control it. Conventional medicine is by far the best answer here.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Until the posts today, the Last post was two years ago.... Better to create your own thread then resurrect an old one, in general.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

you been married two years, she was tested positive for it a year ago. that means she had it during your marriage, herpes is painful and ugly looking, i doubt any woman that when it breaks she will just do nothing about it. therefore I assume she had it during your marriage. you might need to ask her how did she get it and from who. and why did she wait all that time to test herself? did it show before? have she experienced it before?
you seems and young person, with all respect to your wife, you cant just think about yourself but also your future kids. 
1- you might not be able to have health kids
2- sex life will be limited
is it worth it, I believe you should leave the marriage and find a healthy spouse to build a family with.


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## bab123 (Dec 9, 2010)

Did you know the occurance of herpes can be different from person to person. Some people get outbreaks, then have long periods of remission. people may not know they have herpes because symptoms don't show right away?
What Im trying to say is, she may have gotten it before you were married. She could have had a small outbreak. Maybe just a blister, and didn't think it was anything significant because it wasn't painful maybe just annoying. Then it sat there in remission for a long while, then decided to pop back up again.
I used to get outbreaks once a month or so. Then over the years it has gotten less and less. I can't remember when I had my last outbreak. And for me it was just one maybe two blisters. Wasn't painful for me, just really annoying. 
Don't punish your wife for what she did when she was young.
Like you didn't have sex before you were married? come on now. Were you a virgin when you got married? I doubt it.
What if it were the other way around, and you had to explain to your wife were you got herpes?
Reading between the lines it sounds like you think your wife cheated on you, and thats were she got it. Did you even bother to read up on it? You are being waaaay too hard on her. Get over yourself. Stop being an ass. Stop punishing your wife.


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## bab123 (Dec 9, 2010)

By the way, I was infected before I was married, and at the time I was dating my husband. I gave him a pamphlet to read and said that after he read it, he had the choice of staying with me or going. He chose to stay with me.


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## Marriedwithherpes (Oct 10, 2012)

My wife surprised me with herpes after she became pregnant with our 2nd child... I'm reading your story and it sounds exactly like mine. I couldnt deal with no sex and we kept having it, I now have been infected with HSV 2...

I have times that I want to leave my wife but would rather live with the pain internally for what she did to me, so my children have a dad always around. I feel like her past of being a **** has ruined our marriage!! 

If you love and you truly feel she did not cheat then stay and try and work it out. 

It's hard but hopefully will get better, I know what is going through your mind...


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

Herpes- was bad unitl AIDS came along.

I dated two people years ago who had it,one did not tell until we got together for a second relationship even though she had it the first time around and the second person told me the first time we had sex.

The first woman said she used to tell guys and they would run screaming from her place and even though I was PISSED she did not tell me the first time we dated I educated myself to deal with it and back then there were no computers, she knew when not to have sex plus we also used condoms.I never caught it.

With both women we did have oral sex and there was no problem and we had regular intercourse and being in my twenties back then we had a lot of sex.

Both the women said it was painful and they knew when they were having an out break,they both also said strss brought the out break on sometimes.They also said they both knew they got it after they got infected.


The only things I can see are-
You wife may have known she had it but only had sex with you when she knew you could not catch it when you were dating,If I remember it does lay dormeant in some people so maybe it became active again or she was playing around.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

bab123 said:


> By the way, I was infected before I was married, and at the time I was dating my husband. I gave him a pamphlet to read and said that after he read it, he had the choice of staying with me or going. He chose to stay with me.


Good for him...








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Zombie thread........


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## TheMonogamista (Oct 5, 2012)

My husband gets cold sores (oral herpes). He doesn't like to kiss on the lips when he has an outbreak because his lips are sensitive and painful at those times. The not kissing was extremely hard for me.
We've since found ways to suppress his breakouts--through some dietary changes and making sure he drinks lots of water and gets plenty of sleep. Stress and anxiety exacerbate the symptoms. The diet changes are no nightshades (tomatoes, egg plants) and no nuts. That works for him, maybe not for her, my point is that there are routes other than medication. If she doesn't want to take medication, perhaps she'd be willing to see a naturopath. Something to suggest anyway. Best of luck!


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## Helpme1 (Apr 24, 2012)

First off "Torchwood" is giving you baseless info. If you have oral during contagious periods, you run the risk of contracting it orally or even in your eyes if you arnt careful and occular herpes is dangerous to your eye sight. Everyone has different symptoms. Some may go a year or more between outbreaks and have them so mild they dont notice. Others find it painful. Medication can drastically reduce the frequency of outbreaks but does nothing to protect others. As for family planning, you can have children vaginally as long as theres no outbreak. Remember that although it sucks, it is carried by 25%-33% of the population. You are just plain lucky if you have ever had unprotected sex and dont have it. It is viewed as nothing more than a cold sore in Europe. It really is the most benign STD you could have. Give it time. Even naturally the frequency of outbreaks should drop as your body gets better at supressing it. Would you feel this bothered if she had chicken pox, shingles or bells palsy? All of these are hsv. Just my opinion but I say have sex with your wife and have fun. Be careful and protect yourself during outbreaks. If the heat of the moment takes over and you arnt protected during and outbreak, afterwards wash your hands, face and genitals with soap and water and you should be fine. Enjoy Each Other!!!


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

GAsoccerman said:


> But if you love her you will get by this, would you give up on her if she had cancer?


Red herring alert!!

Seriously, the problem (as the OP has stated) is not so much the HSV as that his wife refuses to do anything about it.

So, she has it and refuses to treat it, so there's no sex. And now, no oral sex, because (I'm guessing) she does not want to risk getting an outbreak on her lip.

Got that? She won't take meds, so no sex. And she won't give a BJ because she does not want to catch anything that would only be there because she gave it to him in the first place.

This is the height of selfishness. The OP is right that he is paying the price for his wife's earlier carefree days. So there are two big issues: the sex and the fact that his wife clearly is unwilling to take reasonable measures to meet his need (which will show up in other areas than sex most likely).

I say ditch her. I simply could not deal with her "oh well, sucks to be you" attitude. It is disrespect that will permeate every aspect of their marriage in all likelihood.


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## nonbeliever (Dec 23, 2016)

a lot of things made no sense. for example if your wife suddenly gets it after 20 years of marriage and has 5 OB in 1 year are you supposed to believe she got it over 20 years ago ?


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