# Going through Reconcilation with more secrets



## sarah877 (Jan 21, 2015)

My husband and I are working on reconciliatino after I had a short affair with another man. We had sex twice before the affair was discovered and I have been working hard to regain trust ever since. Things are shaky, and husband is very angry and hurt.

He has told me that if he finds out I ever cheated on him again or if I lied again that he will lose hope in life and kill himself or go crazy on everybody. I told him the whole truth about the other man, but there's more from several years ago before we were married. 

We used to party alot together and get really drunk regularly when we first started dating. He would go to bed early and I'd stay up with my friends. One night my best friend and I went to our guy friends house and very drunkenly, incoherently tried to initiate a threesome with this guy but ended up passing out. We both engaged in a bit of oral with him but it lasted about a minute before we all quit. I've never told my husband about this- and it was several years ago. My best friend doesn't even remember. The man is married now and has a new baby. 

My female best friend and I have made out drunkenly on several occasions, but we never talk about it. One time we made out and fooled around in front of her boyfriend, but he left the room and we both passed out. I also have another female freind I made out with and engaged in oral with once, before my husband and I got married. I never talk to her about this either and she moved far away. 

My point is- this stuff happened and I feel like I'm not being totally hinest with my husband in our reconciliation even though we weren't married ant his has nothing to do with the affair. It will never happen again. I quit drinking and am working on myself and we're committed to reconciliation. 

do I bring it up? Do I let it go and just live with it to save my husband the trouble? It gives me anxiety every day and I worry it'll come up and blow up everything but nobody ever mentions it and really I don't think anyone remembers. It was so long ago. I'm tempted to just divorce because I can't face the truth and all the nasty stuff I used to do. i don't want to come to terms with it

Advice? I already know I did a lot of slvtty things


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

sarah877 said:


> My husband and I are working on reconciliatino after I had a short affair with another man. We had sex twice before the affair was discovered and I have been working hard to regain trust ever since. Things are shaky, and husband is very angry and hurt.
> 
> He has told me that if he finds out I ever cheated on him again or if I lied again that he will lose hope in life and kill himself or go crazy on everybody. I told him the whole truth about the other man, but there's more from several years ago before we were married.
> 
> ...


If you have told your husband different before then you must now be fully honest or it will 
be one of the meanest things you ever do in your life
.
To keep your spouse from knowing the truth about you so you can cling on to a life that you 
want would truly be despicable

Be fully open and tell him its because you love him


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I would say yes, you should come clean with all occasions where you cheated on your husband - even if it occurred when you two were dating. This may cause him to ultimately divorce you once he knows the whole truth, but if there is a chance that something comes out later...it would be a lot worse.

Who knows, if your husband knew you cheated on him earlier multiple times when dating he'd probably have never married you in the first place. 

I pray you two don't have kids together.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

If you aren't honest with your husband, then HE is the only one putting in the effort towards reconciliation. You're damn lucky he gave you a 2nd chance in the first place. 

But these happened a while ago, but seems like you like your cheating and partying a little too much.

So I'd say first step, no more partying. I'd also venture out to say that you should stop drinking too if you still are doing both.

As far as telling him, well, I think you are going to have to take your chances. You never know if your friend will let the cat out of the bag. He just might find out on his own.

So its up to you. You going to start acting like a wife to him?


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

vellocet said:


> If you aren't honest with your husband, then HE is the only one putting in the effort towards reconciliation. You're damn lucky he gave you a 2nd chance in the first place.
> 
> But these happened a while ago, but seems like you like your cheating and partying a little too much.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Write it all down. I'm as much detail as you can. When, who, what, where. Place yourself at his mercy. 

You have no vote in this matter. He does. You need to prove to him the rest of your life to him. You do ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING everyday.

You account for every moment of your time away from him. Text, status, calls. Open all your accounts, passwords, phones/devices to him. Nothing hidden.

You're lucky he's not left you and started dating younger, hotter babes who don't cheat. 

Grow up yesterday. This is not a game. Get him the book married man sex life primer 2011.

Oh, and go to church.

And WTF, you know all about this now married mans new baby? No Contact ever. With anyone you've fooled around with. This is so toxic, I won't post to this mess any more.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

sarah877 said:


> He has told me that if he finds out I ever cheated on him again or if I lied again that he will lose hope in life and kill himself or go crazy on everybody.


Take him to counseling and confess everything you told us here.



> My female best friend and I have made out drunkenly on several occasions, but we never talk about it. One time we made out and fooled around in front of her boyfriend, but he left the room and we both passed out. I also have another female freind I made out with and engaged in oral with once, before my husband and I got married. I never talk to her about this either and she moved far away.


This is infidelity. If you want your marriage to recover, ditch the female "friends" for good.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"we're committed to reconciliation."

"I'm tempted to just divorce because I can't face the truth and all the nasty stuff I used to do."

These are totally contradictory statements Sarah.

You do not want to admit the truth to your BH because you fear the consequences of him knowing your A was NOT the beginning of your cheating behaviors towards him.

However, for any R to really work, he has to know who you truly are and the extent of your bad behavior.

Right now he thinks it was just this one episode...he might be telling himself that it was an aberration and out of character for you.

But the reality is, this cheating was part of a PATTERN of infidelity by you towards him, and a serial cheating pattern is an ENTIRELY different problem to deal with in terms of what is necessary to attempt R.

Despite your fears, you have to tell him the full truth.

He may leave...and you would deserve it for betraying him many times over the course of your relationship.

But if he decides to continue R, the whole truth will allow both of you to focus on the FULL extent of the problems issues that have led you to MULTIPLE A's.

By keeping him in the dark, you are hiding from him the true extent of your brokenness as a person.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

If you are truly remorseful and can tell yourself honestly this type of thing will not happen again leave it in the past, and go ahead and fix your marriage with your husband.

It wont be easy he will have a lot of distrust and anger for many months if not a couple of years to come. Your situation is fixable, it will take however complete transparancy and understanding from you. If true reconciliation is what you want i suggest you keep those interactions in the past and lose those friends you strayed with


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sarah877 said:


> My husband and I are working on reconciliatino after I had a short affair with another man. We had sex twice before the affair was discovered and I have been working hard to regain trust ever since. Things are shaky, and husband is very angry and hurt.
> 
> He has told me that if he finds out I ever cheated on him again or if I lied again that he will lose hope in life and kill himself or go crazy on everybody. I told him the whole truth about the other man, but there's more from several years ago before we were married.
> 
> ...


 

You cheated multiple times. Yeah. You need to tell him before someone else does.

You need counselling. Oh, yeah. You can't handle alcohol, so stop drinking so much.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Sports Fan said:


> If you are truly remorseful and can tell yourself honestly this type of thing will not happen again leave it in the past, and go ahead and fix your marriage with your husband.
> 
> It wont be easy he will have a lot of distrust and anger for many months if not a couple of years to come. Your situation is fixable, it will take however complete transparancy and understanding from you. If true reconciliation is what you want i suggest you keep those interactions in the past and lose those friends you strayed with


This is really bad advice.

First of all, a WW who is truly remorseful cares more about helping her BH than anything else and therefore would understand and accept the importance of coming clean about all of her past dalliances and letting him decide if he still wants to attempt a reconciliation.

Second, no WS can say in all honesty that he or she will never cheat again and someone like the OP, who is a serial cheater, certainly cannot say this. Rather, by not sharing the full story with her BH, she deprives him of the knowledge he needs to help keep her on the straight and narrow and thereby actually increases the likelihood that she will cheat again.

Third, by not telling him everything, the OP is not fixing her marriage. Rather, by leaving her BH in the dark, she is making a mockery of the reconciliation process. Even if he never finds out what she did and she never cheats again, for the rest of her life she will carry the burden of knowing that she is a liar. This will destroy her, as either it will cause her enormous emotional pain or will turn her heart cold. Over time, she will become the biggest victim of her dishonesty.

Fourth, _"keep[ing] those interactions in the past"_ is the opposite of _"complete transparancy"_ (sic).

sarah877,

From what you have written, I sense that you genuinely desire to turn over a new leaf and become the kind of woman your husband can love, respect and trust. Please understand that there is no shortcut to achieving this. Instead, the only way it can be accomplished is by being totally honest and above board with your husband.

If you tell him the complete truth, is there a chance that he will leave you? Of course. But, if you don't tell him, you will have to live every day of the rest of your life wondering if this is the day he discovers what you did. And, even if he never finds out, you will know that all that you have accomplished is based on lies.

For your own sake, as well as for his, tell him the truth.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I think there is some good advice above. My favorites being that you should either write all of this down in complete detail (will be many pages) and hand it to him before going out for a coffee, or get both of you into an MC appointment where you confess to everything there. (I'd let the MC know your plan in advance)

A few other bits of advice:

You already said you've quit drinking, which is good, but think about the situations where you engaged in the behavior you described. Simply don't allow yourself to be in those situations again. Those friends you did things with? Avoid them, especially if you're alone. Avoid any places that led you to those scenarios as well.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

...and?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
First, I have a query which is driven by intense curiosity. What is this absolute fascination people have with alcohol? It has ruined countless lives and taken countless more. What is the appeal that forces people to partake despite the known consequences? This perplexes me beyond all understanding.

Okay, to your question. Your past is replete with poor judgement, lack of forethought and a total absence of self control. According to your post, you are attempting to correct these situations. You indicate that you have stopped drinking, which I perceive to be a crucial step in your metamorphosis.

If you sincerely intend to proceed with this transformation then you must take control of the person you used to be and override your self indulgent tendencies. You cannot succeed otherwise and your R will fail. As you strive to convince your H that your changing is genuine, an important step in this process is to establish open and honest communication as a foundation for your R.

This foundation will be forever weakened if it is not built on truth since you will trying to rebuild trust on deception. You should express to your H that your desire to R on a platform of total honesty is so important to you that you must expose your secrets in order to prove your resolve.

We can speculate but no one can truly know what his response will be so you must be prepared to accept the consequences of your past deeds and the lies which have kept them hidden. Hopefully he will see your sincerity and appreciate your honesty. I wish you good fortune.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Be honest with him.

Trickle truth comes out and puts your H right back to dday.

Have you stopped all contact with the OM?

Did you use protection or have you been tested for stds?

Did you help expose the A to the POSOM's wife?

You should start protecting your H and the POSOM. This is one way to start doing it. 

How did you get caught or were you kind enough to tell you H how you lied and cheated on him?

It is easy to fix. You ripped his heart out of his chest and threw it into the fire.

Just reach into the fire, and put his heart back in and try to start it beating again.

Sounds easy to fix. How would you feel if he had the A?

Would you take him back? You would want him to be truthful to you, if he had the A.


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## SofaKingWeToddId (Feb 7, 2013)

Looks like OP didn't like the responses. She hasn't logged back in since the original post.

There are no shortcuts to reconciliation.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

Yeah, or just another drive by post to get people riled up. First time I saw it (drive by w/intent) I was like "well, the info will still help someone else", and I still believe that, but this looks to be more common than I thought.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

drivebys and guys who are facing horrible conditions, enduring horrible affairs and rugsweeping them away, a lot of these lately


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