# Pre-Menopause, depression, etc.



## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

Where to start, 

We have had been working on our marriage for awhile, both of us around 40 years old. Wife has started pre-menopause. Girl thing all over the place, moody, hot flashes, not sleeping etc. About 6 months ago she was diagnosed as depressed. She took a leave from work. She's now taking wellbutrin and therapy to deal with depression. VERY EXPENSIVE. I've tried to be supportive and there for her but at the same time won't accept being treated badly strictly because she is in a bad mood.

Our relationship has been more stormy than usual because of the moodiness and probably partly from my impatience of waiting for this to pass. Our sex life had dwinded and I'm getting stuck with more and more chores since she is "depressed" and doesn't feel like doing anything. This has caused a lot of arguments because I keep pointing out that not contributing at all when I'm working full time and the kids have extra cirricular activities is not fair because I don't have enough time to do EVERYTHING. 

I have been enforcing my boundires for some time, passing fitness tests, and holding her to account and things were better however all of a sudden I'm having to pick up the slack for my kids sake, and now she is finally putting in more effort because I pushed the issue. 

So now the mother of all mindscrews, I questioned her complete shutdown sexually for the last while, and she tells me she can't be intimate when she's not feeling any emotional connection between us and that I have to foster that first.........ok. I have done that for some time, been supportive, been patient, been affectionate, planned date nights, help out with everything but won't do the lions share when she's home all day. Believe me, I'm VERY fair in that regard. But I don't have a choice but to try and get her motivated to contribute when she shuts down. I can't do everything and won't.

The funny thing is without the intimacy and sex life I don't feel inclined to do anything for her, I just feel angry and used. I have hoop jumped in the past and refuse to do that anymore. And this has REALLY pissed me off. To the point where it's damn difficult to come off and not caring and continue on. I'm not sure how really how to deal with this. I know her sex drive isn't gone because she still uses her "toys" albeit a lot less often. I know she's not cheating.

it's not me who has changed everything. We had a 5 year plan before the kids went to school where she was home and we cruised and used our line of credit. Then she was going back full time and we would pay down the loc. So here we are. She's depressed, off work, doesn't want to go back, says she has no drive to do anything (although she is contributing more again), she is getting the kids in sports, and doing bday parties etc etc, therapy, prescriptions, and spending money like it's going out of style and now apparantly "feels no emotional connection". It is her who has turned our life upside down, and yes I'm getting frustrated about it and it's showing.

I'm glad she has recognized there is a problem and is trying to fix it. She's taking meds, she's going to therapy, she's attending church (this is new), but the emotional connection thing is right out of left field. It is I who plans and makes dates, who tries to make up after fights, who has make great efforts to recognize when I screwed up and apologize. I'm a good husband, better than I have ever been - and this feels like the mother of all sh!t tests. Don't know how to proceed on this one. My gut says, ignore her - be happy and be busy. My brain says, enough is enough. Make it real and serve her seperation papers since she has relegated our relationship back to the friend zone. If it wasn't for my kids I'm be much more inclined to do so. Any other thoughts?


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

No comments?


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

My how your tone has changed a bit from your past posts. I can understand your frustration. I am in pretty much the same boat, well except I now believe I have made the severity of the situation much more clear than I have before.
Is she still depressed? If so, did she speak with her doctor about a differnt med?


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

Your right, it has. And that's my point. I'm getting tired of the see saw. Yes she is still depressed, although about what I have no idea.

She was on different meds before but they didn't agree with her. These ones seem to be ok for the most part. I don't think it's related to the meds. But much has changed. She's not being as angry and unreasonable, just cold and uncaring. This


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

eagleclaw said:


> Your right, it has. And that's my point. I'm getting tired of the see saw. Yes she is still depressed, although about what I have no idea.
> 
> She was on different meds before but they didn't agree with her. These ones seem to be ok for the most part. I don't think it's related to the meds. But much has changed. She's not being as angry and unreasonable, just cold and uncaring. This


How long has she been on these meds?


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

A couple of months now. She doesn't SEEM depressed to me, but she tells me she is. I have to wonder if it's just a convienent excuse not to work and not to do things at times. No way for me to really tell. But I have to bump back on this thing some how. I have been there for her, and am the only one making much of an effort in this relationship, at least as far as dates, romance, and intimacy. That has stopped full stop right now. 

She has no reason to feel emotionally disconnected as the fights, and disconnect has been caused by her, her moodiness and lack of motiviation.

This is another ANGLE for her to exploit and I want no part of it.

Heres my thoughts, 

1) I be fun, happy, and unavailable. Eventually she will either try and be initimate in which I nicely tell her I don't feel like it - not far from the truth because I am pretty pissed about this, or she will complain that I am not spending time with her/romancing her etc in which I will inform her that she changed the relationship and relegated us back to the friend zone, and she doesn't get all the things she needs while ignoring the things that I need. Not a relationship and not how the world turns.

2) I do my own thing, leave her to her own devices and pretty much set the emotional temp to zero. Friendly and polite, discuss kids, scheduling, etc but other than that completely do my own thing. If she complains same answer as above.

3) Full stop withdrawl. Move out of bedroom and go silent. Not interested in being friends or roommates. Not playing this game, period.


and no matter which option, if things don't change and change soon - fill out the seperation paperwork and make this real. If were not going to be in a relationship, doing relationship things, and investing in each other than call it like it is and make it legal.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

So, what's she doing about the pre-menopausal symptoms? I'm 47 and pre-menopausal and it's a b!tch, to say the least. She should go to her ob/gyn and get checked out for hormonal imbalance and see if there's something that can be done to help some of those issues - pre-menopause can also cause radical mood swings and depression, and it kind of puts you in something of a 'mental fog' - all hormonal disruptions can do that.

Have you two considered couples therapy at all? It seems you may be at cross-purposes with each other. You seem totally fed up with everything, but who knows if your wife sees this in the same way. Perhaps you need an intermediary to help you facilitate some of these conversations.

Best wishes.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

I know exactly how you feel. I have had bouts with depression before and that is probibly the biggest reason I am so patiant with my wife. 
If your wife is still feeling depressed ask her how much as opposed to before she was on wellbutrin. If she is feeling it a bit less depressed, (which from her change in attitude would suggest it has some effect) then maybe she needs to up the dose. 
I do hate to tell you but the lack of sex will not change any time soon. No matter what you do or how hard you try she will not just be magicly in the mood. As high of a sex drive as I have always had I had no desire what so ever in going through depression. That being said, if the meds kick in you can work on other stuff with her if you can get her to understand the sevarity of the situation.
It actualy took me getting my wife to read a bit on these boards and recognize that I am not just *****ing to hear the sound of my voice. She came on here and realized that I wasn't just trying to get my **** wet. That a woman is not the only one who needs to feel loved and appreciated. She immeditly felt much less resentful and began to put in more effort into the things she could control. She needed to realize that her doing this is pretty much the same as if I stopped holding her, and expressing my love for her.


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## stupad (Jul 11, 2011)

eagleclaw said:


> She doesn't SEEM depressed to me, but she tells me she is. I have to wonder if it's just a convienent excuse not to work and not to do things at times. No way for me to really tell.


Just a little insight from one who was depressed . . . I couldn't figure out WHY I was depressed. On paper my life was pretty friggin good, but I wasn't feeling it. 

And my wife still beats up on herself about how she never saw it. I was able to get through life, but it was pretty meaningless and it took a lot to get most anything done; including, getting out of bed. Maybe this might help you understand her perspective ??? Good luck


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

stupad said:


> Just a little insight from one who was depressed . . . I couldn't figure out WHY I was depressed. On paper my life was pretty friggin good, but I wasn't feeling it.
> 
> And my wife still beats up on herself about how she never saw it. I was able to get through life, but it was pretty meaningless and it took a lot to get most anything done; including, getting out of bed. Maybe this might help you understand her perspective ??? Good luck


Unfourtinatly he has had this explained on another thread of his. The problem is, if you have not been through it and you see somebody with it, it becomes hard to wrap your mind around. It becomes much worse when you have a spouse with depression and all you are able to see is how bad they are treating you. Although, having been on both sides of this coin I will take the one that he and I are both on, even though both ways suck bad.


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