# always taking things personally



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

What is up with people who always take things someone else says or does personally?

I'm seeing this guy right now who it seems like no matter what I do or say he takes things personally. I have talked with about this, and his answer is he is sorry(but yet he does it again) and he has also told me he learned it from having negative parents. 

I do think sometimes it is what or how something was said, but sometimes its the way its perceived too. In his case, its all in how he perceives things. 

I would like to see him make some changes with his perception of things. Not just for the relationship, but in his life in general. I mean even if it was learned it can be unlearned. Who wants to always perceive things the wrong way? I would think that would get old and even lonely to live in a world where you always take things as a personal jab.

Are they just so self absorbed in their own pain or thought patterns they can't get beyond it?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Probably. My H does the same thing. I'm getting sick of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> I would like to see him make some changes with his perception of things.


Of course you would, but the hardest thing we have to learn in relationships is that you can't control another person. You simply can't make him change, particularly if this is a part of his personality that is ingrained or if he's not interested in changing. So many of us, particularly we women, cling to relationships for years on end, just hoping (or nagging at him) for change. I spent four years with my recent ex BF complaining and trying to point out to him all of the things he did "wrong." It was a lot of the same things you describe here. If I had even a simple opinion that differed from his (e.g., if I didn't like a movie that he liked), he took it personally and became sulky, enraged, gave me the silent treatment. Just like a child. In fact, he viewed everything as a personal "attack" (as he described it) and was generally irritable, pissy, and negative about everything. 

Of course, it was perfectly ok for him to be in this state and react defensively and negatively pretty much all the time, but it was totally unacceptable for me to have an occasional bad day and bad attitude. I spent four years analyzing his childhood and trying to understand what made him this way and trying to "make" him see how unhealthy and unproductive this dynamic was. I tried to drag him to counseling (he refused). Finally, I just got tired of it and ended things. 

If this is a new relationship, I'd question whether it's worth continuing. Unless he's very self-aware and is actively trying to work on himself, it's unlikely you can "change" him. In retrospect, I honestly feel like I wasted four good years of my life.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

"Of course you would, but the hardest thing we have to learn in relationships is that you can't control another person. You simply can't make him change."

Yes, I know this. That is why I also said, "not just for the relationship, but for his life in general." Because I would imagine its a pretty crappy way to live ones life. Its sad, and I would hope the best for him if things didn't work out. 

Which is a good thing we're not married or more committed to one another because its something I'm probably not going to put up with much longer. Either get some kind of help with the things you know you need help with, or its time to move on.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> What is up with people who always take things someone else says or does personally?
> 
> Are they just so self absorbed in their own pain or thought patterns they can't get beyond it?



Yes, most of the time the root core of this is, its all about them and how they feel. Somewhere along the way of their lives, someone hurt them, either physically, emotionally, mentally, etc etc, and it left deep wounds. Something was done to them "personally" and they now take things "personal" Its a type of insecurity. Even if you know where it all stems from, it can be very hard to deal with. Nothing you ever say or do will be good enough, because they will either find fault with it, or take it all to personal.


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

BlackSand, it's very interesting to me that you say you think its inherited, because my son is just like me (like this) as well. I used to think it was learned, but my other kids (whom are not related to me) show no characteristics of this at all.....and I got them at 2 and 4. 

My counselor just today said basically the same thing Jamison said about the wounds. She said that it CAN get better, and realizing what caused the initial scars and dealing with that is the first step to helping yourself deal. It also helps to have a partner that understands the "sensitivity" issues and doesn't exploit them.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I have zero patience for that studied prickly paranoia. I swear she lays awake at night thinking of new things to resent.


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

TemperToo said:


> My counselor just today said basically the same thing Jamison said about the wounds. She said that it CAN get better, and realizing what caused the initial scars and dealing with that is the first step to helping yourself deal. It also helps to have a partner that understands the "sensitivity" issues and doesn't exploit them.


I think this is true...but it is up to the individual to decide if/when to recognize the source of the wounds and get help. As for these behaviors being inherited, maybe not biologically, but at least environmentally through some kind of childhood trauma (e.g., parental abuse, alcoholism, severe abandonment/neglect). Did your BF experience something like that growing up? Children who grow up in dysfunctional families adopt these "coping strategies" (such as defensiveness/hypersensitivity to perceived wounding) and they repeat these patterns in their adult relationships. They often require intense therapy or a 12-step program in order to recover. However, as in the 12 steps, the first step is recognition of the problem, and people arrive at that point on their own. Sadly, some never do.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Oversensitivity is nothing but insecurity. People who truly trust each other can literally say anything to each other. If this guy had a seriously jacked up childhood, you may want to reconsider even attempting a serious relationship with him. Most of what we are or ever will be was formed during our childhoods and it's pretty permanent. Shrinks make a fortune untangling the messes that parents make. Short but serious piece of advise? The world is full of people with mental and emotional problems, folks with all sorts of boogers and haunts in their skull. Love them from a distance and leave their rehabilitation to the professionals who get paid to do it. You want a relationship, not a position of caretaker for the rest of your life. Relationships are hard enough when two fully functioning adults are involved.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

CallaLily said:


> What is up with people who always take things someone else says or does personally?
> 
> I'm seeing this guy right now who it seems like no matter what I do or say he takes things personally. I have talked with about this, and his answer is he is sorry(but yet he does it again) and he has also told me he learned it from having negative parents.
> 
> ...



This sounds like my x wife completely; it was due to her negative, dramatic family as well. She was always super concerned whether or not someone liked her, so the slightest negative comment that most would rate a 3, she rated a 9. She was always looking for someone else to make her happy. 

I was the total opposite. I am completely secure and happy within myself and always wanted to help her see how being less sensitive would make for a happier, less stressful life. I think it is about insecurity and they are so self absorbed in their own pain.


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## SoCalMichelle (Apr 18, 2011)

ONE of the best things he can do for himself is to get into cognitive behaviorial therapy AND get the workbook Mind Over Mood. I too suffer from taking things too personally. I was conditioned to view the world with pessimism and negatively by by mother. It's not something I choose to be any more than someone that isn't this way. Meaning, I don't want to have this terrible trait. We are molded at a very young age by those that raise us and yes if we put A LOT of effort into it we can subside these feelings but it's doubtful we can eliminate them entirely.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Sounds like a good book! Amazon.com: Mind Over Mood: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think (9780898621280): Dennis Greenberger, Christine Padesky: Books

I really believe people are born with certain temperments and of coarse how they are raised & what they have experienced in life helps shape them as well. BUt all of us can learn from our mistakes and change our mindsets, or learn from the behaviours of our screwed up families how NOT to be. I count myself among that group, especially on one of my parents sides. 

Melencholy temperments are known for being pessimistic. My secondary temperment is Melencholy but I am not offended easily at all. I do tend to look at the negative, basically to avoid mistakes in life, but not to get caught up in depression or hurt feelings. Over the years, I have read many books on dealing with negative emotions, anger, jealousy, stuff like that. It has helped me see reality & just how NORMAL it is to feel this way sometimes but how destructive it is to DWELL & allow your brain to go to these places. 

Some have an overactive "Cingulate Gyrus" - interesting article here and they may even need medication to help their brains deal with the overactivity . The Cingulate Gyrus – Amen Clinics If you skim down the article, it has a paragragh about *Holding On To Hurts* 

Many times when women are Pmsing, our brains literally change (no kidding) and our cingulate gyrus is overacting for a few days. I can even see it in myself. Things that dont set me off for a whole month will EASILY throw me into a tail spin & I get caught in this negative hamster wheel. 

Books like this give you a glimpse into why people may act the way they do Amazon.com: Change Your Brain, Change Your Life: The Breakthrough Program for Conquering Anxiety, Depression, Obsessiveness, Anger, and Impulsiveness (9780812929980): Daniel G. Amen: Books


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