# So I contacted the OW by email



## DoubleR (Dec 15, 2011)

My post is here
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/36539-someone-please-help-me.html

I have been told that there is no one else, this woman with the naked photos is nothing, there is no relationship etc. etc. I found out through looking on his Facebook that he did meet her friends in FL when he visited in October. He told me that he purposely avoided her, then told me when I attempted to check our Sprint cell phone bill that she called him once, then I found a message from a woman on Facebook that said "Don't worry I will keep her safe for you and try to keep the other dudes away from her. It was so nice to meet you in person". I looked up this person and she is friends with the OW. I still want to believe my husband that there is nothing going on and these are all just assumptions (he tells me I assume too much) but I know there is more to it than that. He has moved out, we are proceeding with a dissolution, he will be doing the paperwork. I said my piece to him that he was selfish, that this pity party he was playing wasn't working and that I understand why he needs to blame me and make me the evil crazy one so he doesn't have to look at himself etc. But I still felt unresolved and had to get this off my chest with the OW and let her know that I know what they did and it hurt me. Stupid I know. So I sent the following email 

"I have your inappropriate photos and I know about your interactions with my husband. I know that the two of you met while he was in FL and have been talking, texting and emailing. Joe tried to hide things from me but I found them out just the same through a little research. Joe has now moved out of our home. I am sure this is what you were hoping for and now you have the freedom to pursue your relationship with him at will. I question your intent with my husband, I truly believe a real friend would not have acted the way that you did and took advantage of someone who was vulnerable and hurting. However, that is water under the bridge at this time. Do not contact me, I have added you to my blocked list. I am not looking to speak with you, discuss this situation further or expose this affair beyond letting you know that I do know what happened. I do not care to hear your side of the story. I can only hope that you, at sometime in your life, experience the same pain that you have created, if only to prohibit you from doing this to another person. "

In less than 20 min she called him and he called me cursing me out and threatening me, my job saying "don't be surprised if you receive a restraining order from FL from her, I can't stop it, I told you this was between you and I and you should not contact her" He was in a rage I have never heard before, and so quickly to jump to her protection. Let me clarify that other than sending a friend request and cancelling it, this is the first time I have contacted her and it was to be the last. I have NEVER threatened her in spoken or written word, NEVER! I only wanted closure on this to get it off my chest. My husband told me I better send her an apology to try to keep her from going after my job (which knows all about what has happened and supports me) and to avoid the restraining order. So I sent the last email 

"Obviously you know that Joe contacted me furious about the email I sent you. I understand from talking with him that you are upset as well. I am sending this only to clarify that was not my intent, to upset you. As I said in my earlier email, I am not looking to expose you or the affair you have had with my husband. That includes the emails, facebook messages and photos. You made a mistake in getting involved with my husband the way you did while we were married. However, I cannot fault you for caring about him, I only wish that you two would have not pursued your relationship while he was still married to me. I do not wish to seek revenge nor do I harbor any ill feelings towards you or Joe for that matter. I am only seeking for closure on my end. I have said my piece to Joe and now to you and I am done. Now I am just trying to heal my broken heart and move on fron this experience and learn from what's happened. I have deleted your photos and email
address and will not contact you again. I have also deactivated my Facebook account. Again as I said earlier in this email and the previous email, I am NOT going to expose what's happened or harm you in ANY way, what's done is done. I hope you realize that in some context my email to you was not much different than the email you sent to Joe with your naked photos. It was probably not the best thing to do at the time and neither you or I should have to pay for that mistake long term. "


He has told me he no longer has compassion for me and from here on out it's strictly business. Which is what I thought it was before. I think he wants a dissolution because he will not have to go to court (he is a cop) so I don't think I need to worry about a divorce. Not that I have anything to hide, I just don't want it to get nasty and cost $$. I knew it was not the smartest thing to do but I am glad in a way that I did it, now I know that there really is something going on, why else would he have come to her defense so quickly. Thoughts?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Thoughts? You shouldn't have sent these emails, and espcially not the last one where you are telling her you harbor no "ill will" towards her. WTF is that? She was sending YOUR husband naked pictures of herself. Why the falling at her feet? Why telling her you won't threaten to expose? Why telling her you're getting off Facebook--esentially telling her she holds all the power. 

Ew. 

Please stop emailing her. It's ridiculous. You already said your first piece and should have ended it at that. She is probably getting off on you contacting her, knowing she struck a chord with you. 

Your husband.. is an idiot. I would have LAUGHED maniacally at him when he suggeted to watch out for a "restraining order." As if. Don't answer his calls and don't talk to him about anything other than legalities re: the divorce or your children (if you have any).

Don't contact either party again. They are idiots. Let them fall into their own brew. 

Move on and keep on with the keep on.

NO MORE CONTACT WITH EITHER D*UCHEBAG ok??


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

He is pissed cause she is giving him grief that you know and told her you know.
He will threaten you to make you stop.
The OW doesn't want anything to interfere with her fantasy hot romance.....like the knowledge of the trysts by a betrayed wife. That makes it unpleasant instead of romantic. It makes it scary cause she is afraid you will hurt her for being a really skanky woman to her.

Now, if your H calls you again or talks to you again in hostile tones. .......simply say "I will not talk with you. I am going to hang up." And do it. Even better, don't answer.


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## DoubleR (Dec 15, 2011)

No more contact I promise!  I knew it was dumb when I sent the first email, I think that is why the email is so tame, it certainely did not contact all the ranting and things I wanted to say, but I knew to be careful with my wording. I even attempted to recall it but it was too late, she already had read it. At that time I was like oh well, at least it's off my chest. 

As for the 2nd one, I WISH that I would not have sent that one, it is groveling I realize it but he scared me so badly with all his threats against me and my job, my car and this restraining order stuff. He kept mentioning civil liability too and I haven't even done anything, not even so much as threaten to put her photos up! I could not believe the venom he spewed at me. He told me "I told you this was between you and me, I told you not to contact her!" which he didn't but he doesn't remember ANYTHING he says, he tries to make me be the crazy one but I am not, I wanted to try marriage counseling I wanted to say our marriage, I made a list of physical property and was so fair in everything and I just keep getting crapped on. What did I do to deserve this? I was kind, loving, supportive, I always did what he wanted. I don't understand and it hurts so bad.


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## DoubleR (Dec 15, 2011)

He also told me he would post my photos that we took in our marriage up on the internet. I have never threatened to do anything to him like that, I don't understand why is he doing this? I still love him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

F-ck him. Let him threaten you all he wants. If he comes at you wtih that bullsh!t about posting pics of you, tell him, *"Go right ahead and I will get my lawyer involved. Do not threaten me and do not call me anymore unless it's regarding the divorce/our children."*

And hang up.

Anytime he comes at you with anything UNrelated to the divorce or your kids, tell him what Cathy said:



chattycathy said:


> Now, if your H calls you again or talks to you again in hostile tones. .......simply say *"I will not talk with you. I am going to hang up." And do it. Even better, don't answer*.


He's not your problem anymore. You get getting divorced. So treat him as such--a non-entity in your life.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You should have just stopped with the first e-mail. So what if she and your husband are mad? How is a restraining order in FL going to impact your life? Besides they are the ones making threats.

A betrayed spouse can never really understand the mindset of a wayward spouse and their partner. They are in a completely different world. Trying to understand their mental process at this point will only drive you insane. You are not the crazy one!


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## Suemolly (Jun 19, 2011)

I actually like your first email. I thought you sounded classy, especially in those last few lines, telling her off while still maintaining your dignity.

The second email was not to my liking because it did sound like you were putting yourself down and kinda apologetic towards those idiots (husband and lover) who ruined your marriage.

But anyhow, the mails were sent, nothing you can do now. Be proud that at least you tried to be the better person.


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

He was so angry because he was discovered. It's awful. The betrayal is brutal. 

But think about this: He has threatened you tho. He threatened your career. Expense or not I would lawyer up. He's made it clear his lack of integrity. You have to protect yourself.


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## Pathfinder (Jan 1, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> F-ck him. Let him threaten you all he wants. If he comes at you wtih that bullsh!t about posting pics of you, tell him, *"Go right ahead and I will get my lawyer involved. Do not threaten me and do not call me anymore unless it's regarding the divorce/our children."*
> 
> And hang up.


Jellybeans - I LIKE YOU!!

Open the door and tell your so called H to f**k off. He is a lying coward who doesn't have the b*lls to own up.

What I never understand is why would you want to be in a relationship with either a cheater or a home wrecker??

Those two idiots deserve each other! So don't stand in their way. F**K EM

Look after yourself and work on you. It's his loss not yours. Pick yourself up and move on to the next forum ( Life after Divorce ). Sorry! Been a dark day for me but I am sure Jellybeans will back me up on this


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

What's done is done, was it right was it wrong? Long term short term who knows. So what if she gets a restraining order, she will have to go to a judge and explain the circumstances about why, and show evidence that she was threatened. It would be good for her to have to go and admit to a judge that she did all that. Try to think clearly. There will be no restraining order, that is her Catch-22 to deal with...when you practice to deceive and to provoke of course it is reasonable for people who might be angry at you to express themselves, and in writing, ohhhhh, that's so harmful, oh my goodness! (I'm being sarcastic.) Judge, help me please, I cheated with a married man and his wife sent me an email, here it is, she said she wasn't going to contact me any more and then she blocked me, I'm so afraid, help protect me from this insane criminally minded psychopath! LOL

As far as I'm concerned my H's various OW can have him. I am out of the player loop, tired of being made out to be the abusive wife who might be cheating on him that he uses to get sympathy and attention from other women. The busier he is with them, the less he will bother with me. Sure he will trash my repuation around town and make up all sorts of stories about me, and his women will help as they have been, but I know my truth and my children know my truth and my long-term friends know my truth. What's the saying, I'd rather be happy than right(eous).


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

So you gave them a blessing by not exposing ? Sad , now they will say derogatory things about you and there is squat you can do , unless you still have the information. If you do at least tell her husband, your husbands family and her parents of their affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

If he threatens you any more say
"Go ahead. I will do it right back at you."
(the pictures from the marriage) "I am proud of them.We are married. They are hot."
Say it with a calm voice even if it does scare you.

He is just venomous cause OW is giving him grief.


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## DoubleR (Dec 15, 2011)

I only wish that I had known about a site like this BEFORE everything happened. I would have played it so cool, did the 180 and would not have looked back. I would have exposed to the affair and told him to go to you know where when he threatened me and I would NOT have sent the apology follow up email. I never thought I would be going through this, nothing we had in our marriage was cause enough to do what he did. We had a great marriage and we were such a team, now I feel like the kid who didn't get picked in gym class, like there is something wrong with me. Why would he do this and give up something so great for someone he is "just friends" with? Then I doubt myself and my gut, wondering "maybe they are just friend etc." and I get all mixed up again. Why am I the enemy? I did nothing wrong! Now he has went to our mutual friends, well the ones he talked to first and is telling them that it was a mutual falling out, he is just not in love anymore that I did not support him emotionally and did not give him what he needed. So now they think I am crazy when I tell them he has been cheating. What do I need to show them photos of them having sex? Is that what I have to find to make people believe? Well I don't have that, I have my gut which has not lead me astray yet and I am moving those friends out of my life. They will find out soon enough, my husband thinks that he has done nothing wrong and I am sure that he has continued to talk to his "friend" eventually their relationship will come to light in some way I hope and people will see the truth. 

He left the dissolution papers in the mailbox yesterday, I guess this is my punishment since I confronted his "friend". He is playing hard ball with me now but if that's the case then he coudl divorce me, but I think he is scared to go that route. 

Oh and I still have the photos of the skank. I gave them to my sister for keeping. I told them what they needed to hear to get them off my back and well because he scared me half to death but I am not dumb enough to get rid of them.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

DoubleR said:


> He also told me he would post my photos that we took in our marriage up on the internet. I have never threatened to do anything to him like that, I don't understand why is he doing this? I still love him.


Tell him that is harassment and you will contact his sergeant/leuitenant/captain and file a complaint with internal affairs.

Why are you allowing him and his floozy to walk all over you? Time to grow a backbone. As for your letter to the floozy, yes you have given her all the power. No ill will my as$. I would have told her she had better stay out of my way and what sort of pschyopath was she?

Don;t make apologies to anybody, you're the victim here.


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