# New to the group



## JohnBlaze

What's going on everyone? I am in a tough spot right now and found this forum to hopefully gain some perspective and help me figure out what moves, if any, I might make in the near future. 

A little background: I have been married for 9 years and have a 7 year old son with my wife. About 3 years ago, we lived in California. I had to go overseas for a year (I am U.S. military) so my family moved back home to Florida while I was gone to be close to friends and family. They stayed with her parents. When I came back, my wife told me that she wasn't really into the relationship anymore; couldn't really give me any solid reasons, but she wanted to try to get that feeling back. After my time overseas, we got stationed in Georgia, not too far from home. We made the decision that we would work on things in Georgia instead of making any life-altering decisions since I just got back. I tried to spice things up, told her exactly how I felt, basically that I want my family. In time however, we basically became room-mates. We have no issues making decisions about raising our son and we do remain cordial. We do not fight or have many arguments or anything like that, there is just nothing there on her side anymore. We tried counseling last summer to try to make something happen. After a few sessions over the phone (due to COVID), which really didn't do anything for us, she went back home for the summer with our son. She is a school teacher so with the summers off, we said it would be a good idea to go back home so my wife and son could be close to family since outside of work, we didn't really know anyone in Georgia.

She came back and we tried putting it all back together again, with no success. Through our talks, according to her she started losing feelings because I stopped paying attention to her back in Cali, then she really lost feelings when I was gone for the year. Looking back, she isn't wrong....I didn't give her the attention that she was looking for/needed. No infidelity or anything like that, I was just focused on other things like my job, sports, etc. Fast forward to present day, she went back to Florida with our son for this summer. She said she needed some space. I spoke to her recently and she still doesn't know what she wants. We will see if anything changes for her. She even brought up how she never lived on her own, paid her own bills, had her own place, etc; which is something she had never brought up before. Maybe that single life is calling her. I don't know. 

If it wasn't for my son, I would have probably already pushed for divorce at this point. I still want and love my wife, but it has been almost 2 years of trying and I am still getting nothing from her. Perhaps it is time to move on. However, if we split I know I will not be in the same state as my son and I wonder when I am going to see him. Weekends maybe if I make the drive? They would be about 6 hours away. 

More importantly than how I feel about not seeing my son, the main reason I do not want to take him out of his current situation is the quality of life for him. He is in a great school, we have a nice house, has endless opportunities out here, great people, very low crime, and he loves it. My wife currently cannot support herself or my son financially, even with the additional financial support I would provide. She would have to move in with her mom, at least for awhile. No disrespect to my mother in law because I love her, but that place is dysfunctional to say the least. In my opinion, no place for a child to be raised. It would be tough for her to even afford rent somewhere. My son probably wouldn't even have his own room. Back home also isn't the best of places, and I would rather him not grow up in that area. At this point, I feel that my son's future would be in jeopardy if we split. Too much negativity back home, too much stress, and substantially less opportunities. Of course, this is assuming my wife would get custody. 

Am I looking at it wrong? Should I let the marriage go, maybe leave custody up to the courts? From what I see and read, she will probably get custody but I am not sure. I talked to a lawyer and she said not necessarily, but I don't know. I know legally it becomes an issue when the custodial parent wants to move the child out of state. 

Thank you to anyone who took the time out to read my rant, but damn.....I don't find myself in many situations where I don't know what to do and feel lost, but I can't seem to figure out any kind of direction here. I do know one thing.....something has to be done because this back and forth every summer and the one sided-ness isn't how a marriage is supposed to work. Much love.


----------



## Sfort

For starters, welcome. We're glad/sorry you're here. You will get a lot of input from people who have been where you are. 

Let me ask. What is the best situation for your son if you and your wife don't remain married?


----------



## C.C. says ...

Hi. 🙂

She’ll probably get custody of your son unless she’s an unfit mother. (Doesn’t sound like it.) Or maybe 50/50 if you stay in the same state. It sounds like you’ve just grown apart. It’s bound to be hard to stay close when you’re in the military.

You sound youngish. I’d probably try to work out some kind of visitation and divorce since it doesn’t sound like she wants to work on it. You both have your whole lives ahead of you. Why spend it trying to reconnect when the magic is long gone? You could easily discover magic with another and be happy. As could your wife. You could be the best co-parents, instead of a married couple.

You obviously want the best for your son. You could always suck it up for another however many years until he’s grown, but that’s sad for you.... and really, for your wife too!


----------



## JohnBlaze

Sfort said:


> For starters, welcome. We're glad/sorry you're here. You will get a lot of input from people who have been where you are.
> 
> Let me ask. What is the best situation for your son if you and your wife don't remain married?


Sfort, thanks for reaching out. In my opinion, the best situation for our son if we do not stay together is to stay out here with me. However, I could see the counter-argument to it:

Stays with me

Great schools/opportunities
Grounded home / financially stable
No dysfunction and he will essentially have everything he could ever want, which I will provide.
However, it is only me out here, so I will have little to no support in raising him on a day to day basis.

Stays with ex

Close to all of his family
Strong support and assistance
Home is uncertain
Financial instability
Temporary home will be dysfunctional
Would live in an inner city, more crime, more BS
Schools definitely not even close to the same caliber

At the end of the day, I want what is best for our son. It is one of those situations where yes, of course it will break my heart to not be in his life every day due to distance, but if I am comfortable with his situation with her, so be it. The problem is she cannot provide a stable life for him. I refuse to let my son grow up in that type of environment when I know he is in a very good situation out here.


----------



## JohnBlaze

C.C. says ... said:


> Hi. 🙂
> 
> She’ll probably get custody of your son unless she’s an unfit mother. (Doesn’t sound like it.) Or maybe 50/50 if you stay in the same state. It sounds like you’ve just grown apart. It’s bound to be hard to stay close when you’re in the military.
> 
> You sound youngish. I’d probably try to work out some kind of visitation and divorce since it doesn’t sound like she wants to work on it. You both have your whole lives ahead of you. Why spend it trying to reconnect when the magic is long gone? You could easily discover magic with another and be happy. As could your wife. You could be the best co-parents, instead of a married couple.
> 
> You obviously want the best for your son. You could always suck it up for another however many years until he’s grown, but that’s sad for you.... and really, for your wife too!


C.C., thanks for the advice. You are correct she is not an unfit mother. I will say she is a great mother. Regardless of what happens, my wife and I will always maintain a good relationship, especially when it comes to our child. Unless something crazy happens anyway. As far as visitation, I know she will let me see him whenever I want to, as long as it is coordinated. I am not worried about that part. You are right....we could be great co-parents. I thought about sucking it up for the sake of the child. He will always be priority 1. I am torn about it though. As he gets older, he will realize that there is no love between his parents. Yes they are not fighting, but there is nothing there, which might be just as bad as parents that are constantly fighting. 

Maybe I am being paranoid or thinking too deep about his future. In my mind, if he were to go back home his quality of life would be drastically lowered, as well as the potential to be successful. Am I thinking too much?


----------



## C.C. says ...

No, you’re not thinking too much. You love your son and want the best for him! I commend you for that.

So she’s in Florida and you’re in Ga, right? That’s not tooooo far away.

Any chance she’d let him live with you in Ga or would there be a fight? If she willingly would, that would be great. But if not, then I imagine you’ll have to just hope for the best for him down in Florida and see him when you can, or fight for custody.

I know he’s only 7 but do you think he’d prefer to stay with his mom? I know when my parents got divorced, I was around 11, I think. I just had to be with my mom. I wanted to be with her. My dad had way more money and stability than she did, but I was 11 and wanted my mom.

It would probably be best to consider that part as well?


----------



## JohnBlaze

C.C. says ... said:


> No, you’re not thinking too much. You love your son and want the best for him! I commend you for that.
> 
> So she’s in Florida and you’re in Ga, right? That’s not tooooo far away.
> 
> Any chance she’d let him live with you in Ga or would there be a fight? If she willingly would, that would be great. But if not, then I imagine you’ll have to just hope for the best for him down in Florida and see him when you can, or fight for custody.
> 
> I know he’s only 7 but do you think he’d prefer to stay with his mom? I know when my parents got divorced, I was around 11, I think. I just had to be with my mom. I wanted to be with her. My dad had way more money and stability than she did, but I was 11 and wanted my mom.
> 
> It would probably be best to consider that part as well?


Yea its not too far away. About a 6 hour car ride. I think she wouldn't agree to me taking custody. My son is a mama's boy, so he will probably choose his mom at this stage if asked. This is why I was leaning to just sticking it out. As for me, I'll be ok without finding that magic with another person, as long as my son is placed in the best situation possible to be happy and equipped with the proper tools to be successful in life. But lately there is something going on with my wife. I cant put my finger on it. I highly doubt she is talking to another man, not really her style. Everytime she goes back home she changes in a way. I am not sure if it is her friends or what kind of advice she is getting, but I can't help but to ask myself:

Why would a woman that is having marital issues leave with their child for the summer to her parents house, then take a trip by herself to colorado to see her friends 2 weeks later. Then take a trip to maryland for vacation the week after. She don't even bother to call me or let me know what's going on. I make sure I call my son every day so me and my wife have a brief conversation, usually in front of other people, but never a call to talk about things on a personal level. It is clear to me that I am no longer a priority in her life, at least when she is back home anyway. I guess it is as she said, she needs her space.


----------



## C.C. says ...

I don’t want to be a downer, but it really seems like she’s completely checked out of the marriage. So I don’t see how you’re going to stick anything out, because she seems to be already gone. You know?

I’m not going to say she’s seeing anyone else. But ... well... she said the dreaded ‘I need space’. Are you sure there isn’t anyone else? Is there any way for you to check up on this, or are you totally convinced that she isn’t seeing someone?

She sounds kind of like she wants to sow some oats. She leaves your son with her mother in law when she’s going off to Colorado and all these places or does she drag him along?

I know a guy who was in your situation. His wife ended up being a cheater and giving him the -I need space- line. Even convinced him she wanted to work on it, while avoiding his calls at every turn. His last try was to buy her beautiful Valentines flowers and bring them to her job, where she snubbed him. She NEVER admitted to cheating. He found it all in her phone. Never admitted it. Even through the divorce. Your situation sounds so similar to his.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I think you’re doing good with your lists. Write it down. Pros... cons. Figure it out logically what would be best for you, her, and your son.


----------



## JohnBlaze

C.C. says ... said:


> I don’t want to be a downer, but it really seems like she’s completely checked out of the marriage. So I don’t see how you’re going to stick anything out, because she seems to be already gone. You know?
> 
> I’m not going to say she’s seeing anyone else. But ... well... she said the dreaded ‘I need space’. Are you sure there isn’t anyone else? Is there any way for you to check up on this, or are you totally convinced that she isn’t seeing someone?
> 
> She sounds kind of like she wants to sow some oats. She leaves your son with her mother in law when she’s going off to Colorado and all these places or does she drag him along?
> 
> I know a guy who was in your situation. His wife ended up being a cheater and giving him the -I need space- line. Even convinced him she wanted to work on it, while avoiding his calls at every turn. His last try was to buy her beautiful Valentines flowers and bring them to her job, where she snubbed him. She NEVER admitted to cheating. He found it all in her phone. Never admitted it. Even through the divorce. Your situation sounds so similar to his.
> 
> I’m sorry you’re going through this. I think you’re doing good with your lists. Write it down. Pros... cons. Figure it out logically what would be best for you, her, and your son.


CC,

Yea I think you are right and she has checked out. She has a good heart and doesn't want to be checked out. She is trying to figure out a way to get it back, or so she says, however she won't let me back in. There is nothing I can do or say for her to let me back in. I know it sounds naive, but in my heart I am sure she is not seeing anybody else. Maybe a more realistic number would be 99% sure. At the end of the day you can never really know what's going on with other people but again, not her style. Looking at it from an outside perspective, I see where you are coming from with her showing the signs of cheating. Thank you for that perspective. I will keep that with me as I move forward just in case. There are ways for me to check up on this, and I probably will. In my mind, I think she is too lost with what she wants to do with her life right now to even be involved with another man, let alone another man wanting to be involved with her.


----------



## C.C. says ...

Well, keep us updated, ok? I can tell you have a good heart yourself from the way you speak of your wife still, in what must be an incredibly difficult situation. Good luck, John. Hang in there! Lots of people here to try to help you.


----------



## JohnBlaze

C.C. says ... said:


> Well, keep us updated, ok? I can tell you have a good heart yourself from the way you speak of your wife still, in what must be an incredibly difficult situation. Good luck, John. Hang in there! Lots of people here to try to help you.


Thanks alot CC. I can't tell you how much the love and knowledge that you have showed means to me. It feels good getting some of this stuff off my chest. I don't have many people that I am real close with that I can talk to about stuff like this nowadays outside of family. You know the military is funny. It gives you some of the best friends that you will ever have in your life......and then one day it can take them away....either by you moving, them moving and everyone loses touch, and it all becomes simply memories. The internet and facebook have helped alot with that though as far as keeping in touch. 

As far as my situation, I think I have been too nice. What I mean is this woman has told me she doesn't have feelings for me for awhile now and no matter how much I have tried to get it back, she says it just isn't there. I remember there were several times where we were having a good time and I thought it might be back. One particular instance was after a great night and good sex. However, she made it clear afterward that it wasn't back and that she didn't want me to feel bad, but she had to tell me her feelings still weren't there so i don't get my "hopes" up. I let her go back home with our son for the last 2 summers, and of course I gave her money so they can have a good time. I provide for my family. Meanwhile I am back here, not receiving a phone call or text message from her, receiving no kind of love. I think it might be time to make a move and figure out our sons future and do my best to make sure that he is taken care of. Maybe it is time to let the courts decide. When she gets back from her vacation I am going to lay it all out, and basically say look, if you cant tell me what the issue is then we can't be together. Looking down the road also, I refuse to be in a situation where I would have to tip toe around my son as he gets older putting on a front in the house, acting like everything is all good between his parents. 

Right play? Wrong play?


----------



## Sfort

John, thanks for your well written response. It's refreshing. If staying with you is the best for him, that's what you should pursue. But is it really the best solution? In your following responses, you refer to him as a mama's boy. That being the case, is it really best for him to not be with his mother? Take a look at the BIG picture. Be honest with yourself. What is the BEST for him? That's your answer.

We have military people with similar problems here from time to time. Your situation is tough as you don't have control over your immediate destiny. When the perfect solution is not available, what's the best solution under the circumstances?


----------



## lifeistooshort

Ex army here. This is unfortunately not uncommon with military marriages.....extended separations are tough on marriages. This is especially true if you weren't close before deployment.

Also, as I recall the military doesn't allow you to have custody of kids if they have another suitable parent. You have to set up a family plan and make arrangements every time you either don't have normal hours or get deployed.

Not only was I army, my kids dad was navy. I got out and divorced him (he was a drunk) and while I was going to get primary custody anyway the navy wouldn't let him have custody.

So i don't think you can have any kind of custody unless this has changed.


----------



## JohnBlaze

Sfort said:


> John, thanks for your well written response. It's refreshing. If staying with you is the best for him, that's what you should pursue. But is it really the best solution? In your following responses, you refer to him as a mama's boy. That being the case, is it really best for him to not be with his mother? Take a look at the BIG picture. Be honest with yourself. What is the BEST for him? That's your answer.
> 
> We have military people with similar problems here from time to time. Your situation is tough as you don't have control over your immediate destiny. When the perfect solution is not available, what's the best solution under the circumstances?


Sfort, thanks for the reply. I get what you are saying. That's a big factor that needs to be taken into his quality of life...being taken away from his mother. The question then becomes which scenario would be better for him? With his mother in a more stressful environment at home, inferior schools, alot more crime, the financial situation isn't right so he probably won't even have his own room. Or his father with a stable household, nice house, great schools, no crime. 

As a 7 year old, I would agree that it would hurt him more being taken from his mother. Long term, it would hurt his growth more with the situation that his mother will provide. 

As far as the best solution for him... Perhaps if me and his mother stayed together, which I will readdress when she gets back. I'm not giving up yet, but if I get nothing and she can't tell me what the issue is and can't make a decision, it might be time for me to make that decision.


----------



## JohnBlaze

lifeistooshort said:


> Ex army here. This is unfortunately not uncommon with military marriages.....extended separations are tough on marriages. This is especially true if you weren't close before deployment.
> 
> Also, as I recall the military doesn't allow you to have custody of kids if they have another suitable parent. You have to set up a family plan and make arrangements every time you either don't have normal hours or get deployed.
> 
> Not only was I army, my kids dad was navy. I got out and divorced him (he was a drunk) and while I was going to get primary custody anyway the navy wouldn't let him have custody.
> 
> So i don't think you can have any kind of custody unless this has changed.


Lifeistooshort, thanks for the reply. As far as custody, there is no published military regulation that I am aware of or heard of(I have tried to find it) that speaks to military personnel not being given primary custody of the child during a divorce. It is up for the courts to decide. With that, due to deployments and the nature of the mil lifestyle, unless the mil member can prove the other parent is unfit, the courts will most likely grant the non mil member custody. Especially if that non mil member is the mother.


----------



## JohnBlaze

C.C. says ... said:


> Well, keep us updated, ok? I can tell you have a good heart yourself from the way you speak of your wife still, in what must be an incredibly difficult situation. Good luck, John. Hang in there! Lots of people here to try to help you.


Hey CC, I have a weird kind of update. Last week I received an anonymous text message (from a "vtext" email account; when looking into it, its basically a way that verizon members can send anonymous messages). The message basically said sorry to reach out to you this way but I am a former veteran also and thought you needed to know this information. The person said that he/she overheard a conversation recently that involved my wife. This person said that my wife has been unfaithful to me for awhile now with a certain guy, which I know. I responded back saying that was a serious allegation and could you provide me with more information? All I got back was that it wasn't much of their business to get involved....just one vet to another and that I should probably look into it. This person didn't feed me much to go off of. 

Normally I would think its some kind of spam/scam/hack, but there was no link to click and no excessive information. What got me was the person knew that I am in the military, knew my wife's name, and I know who the guy is. That piece of it checks out. The guy is a close friend to their side of the family and still lives back home. I know him but I really don't know him, if that makes sense. They knew him since they were kids. 

I then thought about potential sabotage. Perhaps this person was trying to ruin the marriage. But then I thought if that was the case, this person would probably be feeding me all sorts of specific information to get me hyped up so I doubt it. 

I found this guys number then went on verizon to look at all of her texts/phone calls to see if he was on there. To my surprise, there were no text messages, but numerous phone calls. For the past 5 weeks, there has been a call either to or from that number almost every day. Some are 5 minutes, some 20. There was even one for 67 minutes. 

I know they are good friends and the guy does have a daughter who has played with our son in the past, so maybe they have been setting up play dates, coordinating summer camp stuff for the kids. Maybe she is going to him for advice on our marriage to get a mans perspective. I dont know. 

From June 21 - July 28, I counted a total of 44 phone calls totaling 803 minutes, which is a little over 13 hours. The most interesting part of the call log was the dates. The farthest verizon goes back is April. From April until June 21st there was not 1 call. Very odd. On June 24th, me, my wife, and our son drove back home for a visit. The plan was that I would stay for a few days and head back, while they would stay for the rest of the summer. Now the calls are almost every day. If they are such good friends why no calls up until she is about to be back home for the summer. Something seems off with that. 

At this point I am not sure what to believe. In my gut, I still say she is not cheating, but that is probably a false sense of trust/love that I have for this woman. "She would never cheat on me" type stuff. 

What I do know is I will probably see them both in a few weeks when I go down there. I will definitely be paying attention to the gestures, eye contact, etc. I will ask normal questions, such as did our son get to play with this guy's kid, did they see each other alot, did they speak about day camp, etc. If she tells me she rarely spoke to the guy, that lie right there is evidence enough for me that something is probably going on. 

I thought about confronting her but that's not the right play, unless I am prepared for her to deny everything and I have to accept whatever she says because I really have no hard evidence. 

I even thought about paying someone for the social media hack to see her messages, but I don't think I want to get into all of that. 

I have some time to think about how I am going to play this. If you were in my shoes, how would you play it? 

Thanks CC.


----------



## Diceplayer

If I were in your shoes, I would not wait a few weeks to check this out yourself. If something is going on, it is going on while you are gone and there is zero chance of you catching them. I would hire a PI to investigate. Then by the time you get there, you should have your answer.


----------



## JohnBlaze

Diceplayer said:


> If I were in your shoes, I would not wait a few weeks to check this out yourself. If something is going on, it is going on while you are gone and there is zero chance of you catching them. I would hire a PI to investigate. Then by the time you get there, you should have your answer.


Diceplayer,

Thanks for the reply. I looked into cost of the PI route and from everything I have seen, i


Diceplayer said:


> If I were in your shoes, I would not wait a few weeks to check this out yourself. If something is going on, it is going on while you are gone and there is zero chance of you catching them. I would hire a PI to investigate. Then by the time you get there, you should have your answer.


t would run me around $500-$1000 per day. If I could somehow pinpoint a specific day where there would be a high "chance" of the cheating going down I might consider it. However, as of right now, there is no way that I could even guess when or if she is actually cheating or where.


----------



## JohnBlaze

JohnBlaze said:


> Diceplayer,
> 
> Thanks for the reply. I looked into cost of the PI route and from everything I have seen, i
> 
> 
> t would run me around $500-$1000 per day. If I could somehow pinpoint a specific day where there would be a high "chance" of the cheating going down I might consider it. However, as of right now, there is no way that I could even guess when or if she is actually cheating or where.


Diceplayer,

I have been thinking about a potential play I can make to try to find out if my wife is cheating on me. I would be interested in your thoughts as well as anyone else on here. Looking back to the beginning of my posts, I talked about receiving an anonymous text message notifying me that my wife has been unfaithful with a certain individual that I know. I have this person's phone number, which means I should be able to send him an anonymous text as well. 

In the near future I foresee all of us hanging out together, including other family members. (the guy in question is a family friend on her side). While we are all hanging out, I will send him an anonymous text with simply the words "He Knows!!!!". Of course I wouldn't send this message immediately. I would wait some time for everyone to get comfortable first. After a while, I would send the message to him and just watch. In my mind, an innocent person might say something like what the hell is this....I just got this weird message, etc. A guilty person might keep it to themselves. I would also look for any kind of reaction from him, especially if he has a private conversation with my wife immediately after or he pulls her to the side. I know it is definitely not full proof, but outside of hiring a P.I. or hacking her messages, I don't see a way I can catch her in the act, if she is in fact is cheating since I am out of state at the time. I want to believe my wife is not cheating, and for the most part I don't think she is, however I cannot ignore the message I received about her being unfaithful. 

I would appreciate any insight.


----------



## Diceplayer

Assume for a minute that she is not cheating. Does it really matter? Deep down, do you really want to stay married to someone who doesn’t care for you?


----------



## JohnBlaze

Diceplayer said:


> Assume for a minute that she is not cheating. Does it really matter? Deep down, do you really want to stay married to someone who doesn’t care for you?


Good perspective. You're right. As far as the previous operation I talked about.....forget it. It's wasted energy. Eventually I will get to ask her some questions in person and show her the message I received. I will see what she has to say about it. I believe the face to face interaction will show me what I need to know. Either way, if she can't tell me what the issue is outside of I am just not in the relationship anymore and unable to provide a path forward for the relationship, it's time to move on.

It's funny. I just had a conversation with her. We agreed that maybe family can watch our son for a week and she could come back home so it can be just us two. I said I am looking forward to spending some time together. Barely a reaction. I also noticed while she has been home she hasn't been wearing her wedding ring. In my mind, it wasn't that kind of separation. Damn shame. Oh well, it is going to be what it is going to be.


----------



## C.C. says ...

JohnBlaze said:


> Hey CC, I have a weird kind of update. Last week I received an anonymous text message (from a "vtext" email account; when looking into it, its basically a way that verizon members can send anonymous messages). The message basically said sorry to reach out to you this way but I am a former veteran also and thought you needed to know this information. The person said that he/she overheard a conversation recently that involved my wife. This person said that my wife has been unfaithful to me for awhile now with a certain guy, which I know. I responded back saying that was a serious allegation and could you provide me with more information? All I got back was that it wasn't much of their business to get involved....just one vet to another and that I should probably look into it. This person didn't feed me much to go off of.
> 
> Normally I would think its some kind of spam/scam/hack, but there was no link to click and no excessive information. What got me was the person knew that I am in the military, knew my wife's name, and I know who the guy is. That piece of it checks out. The guy is a close friend to their side of the family and still lives back home. I know him but I really don't know him, if that makes sense. They knew him since they were kids.
> 
> I then thought about potential sabotage. Perhaps this person was trying to ruin the marriage. But then I thought if that was the case, this person would probably be feeding me all sorts of specific information to get me hyped up so I doubt it.
> 
> I found this guys number then went on verizon to look at all of her texts/phone calls to see if he was on there. To my surprise, there were no text messages, but numerous phone calls. For the past 5 weeks, there has been a call either to or from that number almost every day. Some are 5 minutes, some 20. There was even one for 67 minutes.
> 
> I know they are good friends and the guy does have a daughter who has played with our son in the past, so maybe they have been setting up play dates, coordinating summer camp stuff for the kids. Maybe she is going to him for advice on our marriage to get a mans perspective. I dont know.
> 
> From June 21 - July 28, I counted a total of 44 phone calls totaling 803 minutes, which is a little over 13 hours. The most interesting part of the call log was the dates. The farthest verizon goes back is April. From April until June 21st there was not 1 call. Very odd. On June 24th, me, my wife, and our son drove back home for a visit. The plan was that I would stay for a few days and head back, while they would stay for the rest of the summer. Now the calls are almost every day. If they are such good friends why no calls up until she is about to be back home for the summer. Something seems off with that.
> 
> At this point I am not sure what to believe. In my gut, I still say she is not cheating, but that is probably a false sense of trust/love that I have for this woman. "She would never cheat on me" type stuff.
> 
> What I do know is I will probably see them both in a few weeks when I go down there. I will definitely be paying attention to the gestures, eye contact, etc. I will ask normal questions, such as did our son get to play with this guy's kid, did they see each other alot, did they speak about day camp, etc. If she tells me she rarely spoke to the guy, that lie right there is evidence enough for me that something is probably going on.
> 
> I thought about confronting her but that's not the right play, unless I am prepared for her to deny everything and I have to accept whatever she says because I really have no hard evidence.
> 
> I even thought about paying someone for the social media hack to see her messages, but I don't think I want to get into all of that.
> 
> I have some time to think about how I am going to play this. If you were in my shoes, how would you play it?
> 
> Thanks CC.


John, I’m sorry I’m just getting back to you. Did you go for the visit? What did you find out? I’m hoping it’s not as bad as it looks. 🤞


----------



## ReadyandNot

JohnBlaze said:


> Sfort, thanks for reaching out. In my opinion, the best situation for our son if we do not stay together is to stay out here with me. However, I could see the counter-argument to it:
> 
> Stays with me
> 
> Great schools/opportunities
> Grounded home / financially stable
> No dysfunction and he will essentially have everything he could ever want, which I will provide.
> However, it is only me out here, so I will have little to no support in raising him on a day to day basis.
> 
> Stays with ex
> 
> Close to all of his family
> Strong support and assistance
> Home is uncertain
> Financial instability
> Temporary home will be dysfunctional
> Would live in an inner city, more crime, more BS
> Schools definitely not even close to the same caliber
> 
> At the end of the day, I want what is best for our son. It is one of those situations where yes, of course it will break my heart to not be in his life every day due to distance, but if I am comfortable with his situation with her, so be it. The problem is she cannot provide a stable life for him. I refuse to let my son grow up in that type of environment when I know he is in a very good situation out here.


How about start off paying for her place with a taper down plan for her to take over as she establishe herself. Or you can get a small apartment while she stays on housing with your son so his comfort didn't change. This way you'll be close enough to be there for him while his life stays stable and she can start making moves to take over her life in a safe place. Has she been able to find a teaching job in Georgia to get started?


----------



## JohnBlaze

C.C. says ... said:


> John, I’m sorry I’m just getting back to you. Did you go for the visit? What did you find out? I’m hoping it’s not as bad as it looks. 🤞


Hey C.C.,

Yes I went for the visit. It was cordial for the most part. We had a few arguments, mainly about her taking off her ring and what she told me (still not into the relationship, no feelings for me, looking at the glass half empty type stuff). She told me that she took the ring off because we were on a separation and that was it. I went on about what the ring symbolizes for me, that I was still wearing mine, and that we never talked about her taking it off, etc. I realized fast that we were running in circles as far as how the conversation went. We both kept saying the same things over and over, going nowhere. In her mind she did nothing wrong and we were "separated" so it was fine. Whatever. While we were home I didn't bring up the text message, however I did some digging regarding her friend, the guy that was mentioned in the text message. She told me he went to rehab about 2 weeks ago so that could explain why so many calls. I asked her if she spoke to him alot and she said not alot, but she did speak to him. There could be another layer there since I have the call logs and there were alot of calls, almost every day for a month stretch, but I didn't get into that and probably never will. 

We came back to Georgia this past Friday. We left our son back home with family since we both have to work this coming week and he will not start school until after Labor Day. We will pick him back up this coming weekend. My plan was to just enjoy this weekend, not talk about the relationship and just see where it goes. It was going good yesterday, we even had sex for the first time in a while. However, she told me today there was no intimacy and that she felt the sex was forced and didn't feel right about it. She eventually told me today that she wanted to be back home with family and didn't want to be in the relationship anymore. She did not want to be in a relationship where she doesn't feel anything for her partner. I said ok, I will contact a lawyer and we will figure out the situation with our son. A potential way to play it in my mind is that he will go to school out here for the year, she will save up her money to find a place, and then we will part ways. By then she should have a decent bank roll to stand on her feet. I told her I will take care of all of the bills except for phone and internet so she can save. We talked about co-parenting and we will not have any issues as far as fighting or treating each other negatively in front of our son. We agree on doing what is best for our child and should have no issues remaining cordial about anything. I am not sure if that is the best plan but I am thinking it is solid. One issue I can see us having in the future is when it comes down to the divorce, I will not agree to her taking our child out of state. I am thinking she might lean that way due to her family being over there, but I if something bad happens to our son or he is in a ****ty situation, I will always look back and say....why did I let her take my son away? I cannot live with that. If the judge makes that call, so be it. What do you think?

Also, I did show her the anonymous text message about her being unfaithful today. She was surprised and kind of pissed at the same time. Not at me, but that someone out there would send that to me, basically lying about her. I asked her if she was ever unfaithful, she said no, which I was prepared for. That part of it doesn't matter anymore. She took a screen shot of the message and I know she will probably investigate. Pretty ****ty situation all around, but we will get through it.


----------



## JohnBlaze

ReadyandNot said:


> How about start off paying for her place with a taper down plan for her to take over as she establishe herself. Or you can get a small apartment while she stays on housing with your son so his comfort didn't change. This way you'll be close enough to be there for him while his life stays stable and she can start making moves to take over her life in a safe place. Has she been able to find a teaching job in Georgia to get started?


ReadyandNot,

That could be a plan. Like I told C.C., we talked about her staying here while our son goes to school for the year and I will take care of all the bills, except for the phone and internet. Then next summer we will part ways. She should have enough saved up by that time to take care of herself. She does have a


ReadyandNot said:


> How about start off paying for her place with a taper down plan for her to take over as she establishe herself. Or you can get a small apartment while she stays on housing with your son so his comfort didn't change. This way you'll be close enough to be there for him while his life stays stable and she can start making moves to take over her life in a safe place. Has she been able to find a teaching job in Georgia to get started?


ReadyandNot,

That could be a possibility. I will keep that in mind. Like I told C.C., we talked about her staying here while our son goes to school for the year and I will take care of all the bills, except for the phone and internet. Then next summer we will part ways. We are cordial enough to make that happen......or so we think. I believe so though. She should have enough saved up by that time to take care of herself and our son, along with my child support payments. The quality of life at home for my son will go down (no big house, no big bedroom, if he even has his own), however I realize now that is out of my control, as far as his main household anyway. She does have a stable job out here, just got hired full time as a teacher.


----------



## MattMatt

@JohnBlaze Why would someone who knows the both of you and the 'friend' lie about your wife?


----------



## JohnBlaze

MattMatt said:


> @JohnBlaze Why would someone who knows the both of you and the 'friend' lie about your wife?


Matt,

Good question. In my mind, could be one of a few things going on here:


She cheated
The person thought they heard something they didn't. The text outlined a conversation the person supposedly overheard.
Sabotage (Not sure about the sabotage since I received very little information outside of the initial vague message. I am thinking if it was sabotage, this person would be feeding me a bunch of info to hype it up.)

I would be lying if I said the truth didn't matter to me, but to be honest it really doesn't matter in the grand scheme. I have bigger problems to address at this point.


----------



## ReadyandNot

JohnBlaze said:


> Matt,
> 
> Good question. In my mind, could be one of a few things going on here:
> 
> 
> She cheated
> The person thought they heard something they didn't. The text outlined a conversation the person supposedly overheard.
> Sabotage (Not sure about the sabotage since I received very little information outside of the initial vague message. I am thinking if it was sabotage, this person would be feeding me a bunch of info to hype it up.)
> 
> I would be lying if I said the truth didn't matter to me, but to be honest it really doesn't matter in the grand scheme. I have bigger problems to address at this point.


Yes, keeping your son around and happy is #1. You're a good man!


----------



## Marc878

Bud, the first easy check is the phone bill.


JohnBlaze said:


> I found this guys number then went on verizon to look at all of her texts/phone calls to see if he was on there. To my surprise, there were no text messages, but numerous phone calls. For the past 5 weeks, there has been a call either to or from that number almost every day. Some are 5 minutes, some 20. There was even one for 67 minutes.
> *They don’t need to text he’s with her.*
> 
> I know they are good friends and the guy does have a daughter who has played with our son in the past, so maybe they have been setting up play dates, coordinating summer camp stuff for the kids. Maybe she is going to him for advice on our marriage to get a mans perspective. I dont know.
> *Excuses to not believe the obvious *
> 
> From June 21 - July 28, I counted a total of 44 phone calls totaling 803 minutes, which is a little over 13 hours. The most interesting part of the call log was the dates. The farthest verizon goes back is April. From April until June 21st there was not 1 call. Very odd. On June 24th, me, my wife, and our son drove back home for a visit. The plan was that I would stay for a few days and head back, while they would stay for the rest of the summer. Now the calls are almost every day. If they are such good friends why no calls up until she is about to be back home for the summer. Something seems off with that.
> 
> *Wake up and stop deceiving yourself. *
> 
> At this point I am not sure what to believe. In my gut, I still say she is not cheating, but that is probably a false sense of trust/love that I have for this woman. "She would never cheat on me" type stuff.


She’s cheating, sorry but most who come hear live in denial. My wife would never do that blah, blah blah.

She stopped wearing her wedding rings, doesn’t want sex with you and wants to stay where her new boyfriend is.
Cmon man. File and let her go. You’ll get ‘we’re just friends’ which is the biggest lie told.

Cheaters all lie a lot. You’ll never get the truth. Probably a lot of people know which is why you got the info about what she was up to.


----------



## Marc878

JohnBlaze said:


> Also, I did show her the anonymous text message about her being unfaithful today. She was surprised and kind of pissed at the same time. Not at me, but that someone out there would send that to me, basically lying about her. I asked her if she was ever unfaithful, she said no, which I was prepared for. That part of it doesn't matter anymore. She took a screen shot of the message and I know she will probably investigate. Pretty ****ty situation all around, but we will get through it.


Oh cmon man. All cheaters lie a lot. She’s not gonna admit a thing to you. Stop being so naive.

If you have to have proof which won’t get you much. Deep down you already know. Get a private investigator or friend to check it out.

You will only be her chump if you allow it. You are correct. She doesn’t matter anymore.


----------



## C.C. says ...

Hi John, 

So she’s with you now for the week in Georgia and your son is in Florida still with the in laws? Is that right? I feel like I’m missing something. Why did she come back with you? You said you both have to work this week. So it was a vacation she was on and now supposed to be getting back to regular life? You’re picking up your son this upcoming weekend and then what? You’re all supposed to be getting back to normal life in Georgia?



JohnBlaze said:


> Also, I did show her the anonymous text message about her being unfaithful today. She was surprised and kind of pissed at the same time. Not at me, but that someone out there would send that to me, basically lying about her


Oh yea, I bet she _is _pissed. I bet the first thing she does is text the other guy and accuse him of being the one that sent it. Honestly, it seems to me like something he would do if he has feelings for her, to put it all out in the open, so you’d drop her and he could be with her.

Why did he go to rehab?

She’s probably going to be very hard to live with this week if her heart is in Florida. She’s probably at some kind of point where she has cut you out of her heart and doesn’t want to feel anything for you.

John, it’s terrible that this has happened. I’m not sure about what happens when you divorce if you don’t want the other parent taking the child out of state.

I think now really... all you can do is try to pick up what’s left of your dignity and go on. Don’t beg or bargain. I can tell you that women (IMO) respond much better to a man showing the woman that he’s not going to be walked on, nor wait to be picked in some pick me dance.

She’s said that she doesn’t “feel the same” about you. I know that hurts, but that’s what you have to work with now, regardless if she’s cheating. All signs point to her cheating. She seems to be totally enamored with this other man. The only thing that makes me think twice is that she’s been friends with him since childhood I think you said? Seems kind of funny that she would develop feelings for him now.

Don’t let her disrespect you. I know this hurts like hell, but from now on, you set the rules. If she doesn’t like you “like that” send her ass back to Florida. Tell her that if she no longer longer wants to be married to you, you’ll start the divorce proceedings and that’s that.

I’m not sure about you paying for everything while she “saves.” That doesn’t seem fair. (If) She’s cheating on you and you’re going to make her life easier by being her bankroll? I don’t like that part.

It’s him or you. Not both. She’s going to hitch her wagon to a guy that just got out of rehab? He doesn’t sound so solid. You on the other hand, sound very solid. You don’t need her. Yes, you’ll have to deal with the whole issue of how best to be a supportive father for your son. But as far as she’s concerned, she made her bed. She hasn’t expressed wanting to be back together as a family. Her feelings are elsewhere.

It’s going to be a very long week. 

I think if you can, you do need to work on getting some kind of proof of her cheating. There’s lots of male posters here that can give you ideas on how to do that. There’s stories here just like yours, where the man made it through this and out the other side. The estranged wife usually has a change of mind once she sees that he’s strong enough to cut her off and become the stranger that she’s made him into. They come out the other side stronger and happier. Meanwhile she’s floundering around having lost her ‘rock’ over some idiot that makes her feel ‘special’, but doesn’t actually care about her at all.

Stand your ground, get proof, and treat her accordingly. She wants to be a stranger, treat her like one. She’s screwing herself here. If she can do this to you, she’s not who you need to be with.

Hang in there. Try to start picturing your life without her, give her the ultimatum, and then do what you have to do legally to separate from her and protect yourself, your wallet, and your son!


----------



## ElwoodPDowd

She's losing interest & cheating on you while you're away fighting for your country?
I would have let her go right then ..... and sign up for another tour.


----------



## JohnBlaze

C.C. says ... said:


> Hi John,
> 
> So she’s with you now for the week in Georgia and your son is in Florida still with the in laws? Is that right? I feel like I’m missing something. Why did she come back with you? You said you both have to work this week. So it was a vacation she was on and now supposed to be getting back to regular life? You’re picking up your son this upcoming weekend and then what? You’re all supposed to be getting back to normal life in Georgia?
> 
> 
> Oh yea, I bet she _is _pissed. I bet the first thing she does is text the other guy and accuse him of being the one that sent it. Honestly, it seems to me like something he would do if he has feelings for her, to put it all out in the open, so you’d drop her and he could be with her.
> 
> Why did he go to rehab?
> 
> She’s probably going to be very hard to live with this week if her heart is in Florida. She’s probably at some kind of point where she has cut you out of her heart and doesn’t want to feel anything for you.
> 
> John, it’s terrible that this has happened. I’m not sure about what happens when you divorce if you don’t want the other parent taking the child out of state.
> 
> I think now really... all you can do is try to pick up what’s left of your dignity and go on. Don’t beg or bargain. I can tell you that women (IMO) respond much better to a man showing the woman that he’s not going to be walked on, nor wait to be picked in some pick me dance.
> 
> She’s said that she doesn’t “feel the same” about you. I know that hurts, but that’s what you have to work with now, regardless if she’s cheating. All signs point to her cheating. She seems to be totally enamored with this other man. The only thing that makes me think twice is that she’s been friends with him since childhood I think you said? Seems kind of funny that she would develop feelings for him now.
> 
> Don’t let her disrespect you. I know this hurts like hell, but from now on, you set the rules. If she doesn’t like you “like that” send her ass back to Florida. Tell her that if she no longer longer wants to be married to you, you’ll start the divorce proceedings and that’s that.
> 
> I’m not sure about you paying for everything while she “saves.” That doesn’t seem fair. (If) She’s cheating on you and you’re going to make her life easier by being her bankroll? I don’t like that part.
> 
> It’s him or you. Not both. She’s going to hitch her wagon to a guy that just got out of rehab? He doesn’t sound so solid. You on the other hand, sound very solid. You don’t need her. Yes, you’ll have to deal with the whole issue of how best to be a supportive father for your son. But as far as she’s concerned, she made her bed. She hasn’t expressed wanting to be back together as a family. Her feelings are elsewhere.
> 
> It’s going to be a very long week.
> 
> I think if you can, you do need to work on getting some kind of proof of her cheating. There’s lots of male posters here that can give you ideas on how to do that. There’s stories here just like yours, where the man made it through this and out the other side. The estranged wife usually has a change of mind once she sees that he’s strong enough to cut her off and become the stranger that she’s made him into. They come out the other side stronger and happier. Meanwhile she’s floundering around having lost her ‘rock’ over some idiot that makes her feel ‘special’, but doesn’t actually care about her at all.
> 
> Stand your ground, get proof, and treat her accordingly. She wants to be a stranger, treat her like one. She’s screwing herself here. If she can do this to you, she’s not who you need to be with.
> 
> Hang in there. Try to start picturing your life without her, give her the ultimatum, and then do what you have to do legally to separate from her and protect yourself, your wallet, and your son!


C.C. my girl! Thank you for your well-thought out responses. I love your insight.


C.C. says ... said:


> Hi John,
> 
> So she’s with you now for the week in Georgia and your son is in Florida still with the in laws? Is that right? I feel like I’m missing something. Why did she come back with you? You said you both have to work this week. So it was a vacation she was on and now supposed to be getting back to regular life? You’re picking up your son this upcoming weekend and then what? You’re all supposed to be getting back to normal life in Georgia?
> 
> 
> Oh yea, I bet she _is _pissed. I bet the first thing she does is text the other guy and accuse him of being the one that sent it. Honestly, it seems to me like something he would do if he has feelings for her, to put it all out in the open, so you’d drop her and he could be with her.
> 
> Why did he go to rehab?
> 
> She’s probably going to be very hard to live with this week if her heart is in Florida. She’s probably at some kind of point where she has cut you out of her heart and doesn’t want to feel anything for you.
> 
> John, it’s terrible that this has happened. I’m not sure about what happens when you divorce if you don’t want the other parent taking the child out of state.
> 
> I think now really... all you can do is try to pick up what’s left of your dignity and go on. Don’t beg or bargain. I can tell you that women (IMO) respond much better to a man showing the woman that he’s not going to be walked on, nor wait to be picked in some pick me dance.
> 
> She’s said that she doesn’t “feel the same” about you. I know that hurts, but that’s what you have to work with now, regardless if she’s cheating. All signs point to her cheating. She seems to be totally enamored with this other man. The only thing that makes me think twice is that she’s been friends with him since childhood I think you said? Seems kind of funny that she would develop feelings for him now.
> 
> Don’t let her disrespect you. I know this hurts like hell, but from now on, you set the rules. If she doesn’t like you “like that” send her ass back to Florida. Tell her that if she no longer longer wants to be married to you, you’ll start the divorce proceedings and that’s that.
> 
> I’m not sure about you paying for everything while she “saves.” That doesn’t seem fair. (If) She’s cheating on you and you’re going to make her life easier by being her bankroll? I don’t like that part.
> 
> It’s him or you. Not both. She’s going to hitch her wagon to a guy that just got out of rehab? He doesn’t sound so solid. You on the other hand, sound very solid. You don’t need her. Yes, you’ll have to deal with the whole issue of how best to be a supportive father for your son. But as far as she’s concerned, she made her bed. She hasn’t expressed wanting to be back together as a family. Her feelings are elsewhere.
> 
> It’s going to be a very long week.
> 
> I think if you can, you do need to work on getting some kind of proof of her cheating. There’s lots of male posters here that can give you ideas on how to do that. There’s stories here just like yours, where the man made it through this and out the other side. The estranged wife usually has a change of mind once she sees that he’s strong enough to cut her off and become the stranger that she’s made him into. They come out the other side stronger and happier. Meanwhile she’s floundering around having lost her ‘rock’ over some idiot that makes her feel ‘special’, but doesn’t actually care about her at all.
> 
> Stand your ground, get proof, and treat her accordingly. She wants to be a stranger, treat her like one. She’s screwing herself here. If she can do this to you, she’s not who you need to be with.
> 
> Hang in there. Try to start picturing your life without her, give her the ultimatum, and then do what you have to do legally to separate from her and protect yourself, your wallet, and your son!


C.C. my girl!. Thank you for taking the time out to read my B.S. and write your well-thought out responses. I know I have been going on and on here. I appreciate and always love your insight. To address your questions:

Yes our son is still in Florida with family. In a nutshell, my wife is a teacher at my sons school so they were on vacation for the summer in Florida. I went down for 2 weeks and had to come back to work this week; so did she. The teachers start a week earlier than the students so there was no one to watch our son this week. We will be heading back down this Friday to pick him up, spend some time, and come back Sunday to yes, try to go on with normal life here in Georgia. I am in a better place now mentally though. Everything was laid out on the table. I put it to her this way. For the past 18 months or so, I was trying to build toward a goal that would probably never happen, which was figuring our marriage out. Frustrating. That's done. Now we will build toward making the divorce as smooth as possible for us and taking care of our son.

As far as I know, the guy went to rehab for alcohol. Drinking on the job, stuff like that. There was probably drugs thrown in the mix as well. This guy has a history of substance abuse and has been to rehab before. 

You are right, all signs do point to her cheating. Others on here have commented that I have been naive, in me believing that she didn't cheat, and they are probably right. No partner wants to believe that their spouse is cheating, but as you said, the signs are there. I even asked her if she has ever been unfaithful in the marraige....or course she said no. I said look at me in the eye and tell me that. She said no, she couldn't. You can't make this stuff up.

Yes I did say they were friends since childhood. She told me a long time ago they either slept together or had some kind of intimate moment; can't remember for sure....this was before we got together....not sure but who cares at this point. 

Regarding proof of her cheating, why waste the energy. If she really did cheat, life will take care of her in the end. Things like that have a way of coming back to people. Our relationship is done anyway. 

As far as me paying the bills while she saves for a year part, I hear what you are saying. It sounds almost like a sucker's deal right? I then ask myself, if I don't want to go that route, what is the best course of action? If it wasn't for my son I wouldn't even entertain the idea. 

The whole premise of her saving is so she can eventually be able to stand on her feet out here so I can see my son on a regular basis and he can at least go to a great school for this year. If I file for divorce and we split ASAP, there is no way she can support herself out here and would need to move back home. Plus there is a chance for our son to be taken away from that school just as he is about to start. Maybe I am looking at this wrong? I spoke to a lawyer and he said that I can block her from taking our son out of state, but ultimately the judge will look at the situation and decide. Who knows what the judge will say. If you are in my shoes, how would you play that part of it?


----------



## Marc878

You are correct on one thing. Your marriage is over. It’s good you realize there’s no need to spend any time or effort on it. You still seem to want to be in denial that she didn’t cheat which is just a comfort zone.

Don’t delude yourself. Her plans which she’s already made are to return to Florida. Not live in Georgia.
I suspect she’ll bide her time until she gets everything lined up.

Live and learn.


----------



## JohnBlaze

Marc878 said:


> You are correct on one thing. Your marriage is over. It’s good you realize there’s no need to spend any time or effort on it. You still seem to want to be in denial that she didn’t cheat which is just a comfort zone.
> 
> Don’t delude yourself. Her plans which she’s already made are to return to Florida. Not live in Georgia.
> I suspect she’ll bide her time until she gets everything lined up.
> 
> Live and learn.


Marc,

Thanks for the reply. You are right about the denial aspect. Many of us think "she or he will never do this or that, will never cheat. This person is different, especially in a marriage. It wouldn't make sense for them to do this." Many times we are fooling ourselves, as I was. The delusion is over. Now it is time to handle business. Many thanks again to you and everyone else who responded. Your different perspectives have helped me tremendously in going forward and starting a new chapter. Much love.


----------



## Marc878

JohnBlaze said:


> Marc,
> 
> Thanks for the reply. You are right about the denial aspect. Many of us think "she or he will never do this or that, will never cheat. This person is different, especially in a marriage. It wouldn't make sense for them to do this." Many times we are fooling ourselves, as I was. The delusion is over. Now it is time to handle business. Many thanks again to you and everyone else who responded. Your different perspectives have helped me tremendously in going forward and starting a new chapter. Much love.


Sorry man. Denial is common because upfront you are still in shock. Cheaters have the upper hand because you are an honest and loyal person. So it’s difficult to see the deceit in others. Especially a spouse. Happens a lot here. Most will let their heart lead them even though the facts and brain are screaming at you. In these situations your heart will betray you.

A good friend of mine told me the hardest thing for him was realizing his wife was just a very typical cheater. Nothing special about her at all.

You must protect yourself now. Another thing is she is your adversary and will play and use you for her advantage. Her new man is a lowlife loser but she’s picked that over you and your family.
You need support. Do not try and help hide her affair. That’s on her not you. I’d tell my family and friends. You’ll need all the support you can get. Don’t worry about pushing her away. She’s long gone. She’s shown who she is. Believe me you don’t want that back.


----------



## C.C. says ...

JohnBlaze said:


> C.C. my girl!. Thank you for taking the time out to read my B.S. and write your well-thought out responses. I know I have been going on and on here. I appreciate and always love your insight.


Hi John! 🙂 (love your enthusiastic greeting btw)



> I am in a better place now mentally though.


That’s good to hear! You kind of went from not wanting to believe any infidelity was happening, to believing and accepting that it has. You seem to be in better place because of it, or maybe in spite of it.



> Everything was laid out on the table. I put it to her this way. For the past 18 months or so, I was trying to build toward a goal that would probably never happen, which was figuring our marriage out. Frustrating. That's done. Now we will build toward making the divorce as smooth as possible for us and taking care of our son.


I know sometimes when people come here or any forum such as this, it may hurt to hear what we have to say. Keep in mind, we’re not emotionally invested. You are. It’s easy for us to see the real deal a mile away. It’s easy for us to say, dump her and move on. Sure. It’s easy in theory. Maybe it’s something we’ve been though before, but you’re the one going through it now, so it’s not that cut and dry. Even though you may (and probably will) come to the same conclusion, it may take a bit longer for you to work through the emotions of it. No one wants to lose their marriage and family.



> I even asked her if she has ever been unfaithful in the marraige....or course she said no. I said look at me in the eye and tell me that. *She said no, she couldn't. *You can't make this stuff up.


That’s pretty damning. It’s almost like she _wants _to make it as hurtful as possible.



> Regarding proof of her cheating, why waste the energy. If she really did cheat, life will take care of her in the end.


That’s true. Karma always comes. Always. Even when we’re no longer around to see it.



JohnBlaze said:


> I spoke to a lawyer and he said that I can block her from taking our son out of state, but ultimately the judge will look at the situation and decide. Who knows what the judge will say. If you are in my shoes, how would you play that part of it?


The only reason I think proof would be good is for court. It could change a lot if you have proof of her cheating.

I found this online. Basically what your lawyer already said. She can’t take him once you file and the divorce is pending. But she can take him once it’s over is the way I read it. You can try to stop her, but I guess you’d have to have a really good reason such as he would be in danger or she wasn’t fit.

*‘*What if my wife tries to move the kids out of state?’

_*”Once a divorce action is filed and both parties have notice of the filing under Georgia law, neither parent can remove the child from the state while the divorce is pending without consent from the other parent. *Upon a determination of custody, the court cannot order the custodial parent to remain in Georgia or otherwise restrict that parent’s ability to relocate.

After custody has been determined and a divorce decree entered, a decision to move the child out of the state may warrant evaluation of the wisdom of the move from Georgia. Any time a parent decides to move away, the other parent should file a modification action. That is not to say that a move will automatically change custody, but a decision to move with the children certainly is a change of circumstances that warrants review by the court.” 








Georgia Child Custody Questions


A Cordell & Cordell Georgia child custody lawyer provides answers to frequently asked questions about divorce and child custody in Georgia.




cordellcordell.com




_
I still have so many questions lol. Ok here we go ..

1. If she is in love with this guy, isn’t she going to be trying to beat it to Florida as fast as she can? We know as soon as you file, she cannot take your son out of state without your permission.

2. Say she isn’t in love with him. Say she’s just living some sort of fantasy life in her head. Could you have just grown apart and now when she’s forced to stay with you ( i don’t mean to sound horrible by saying forced, but in her head, she probably feels like there’s no way out of this situation) how is she going to act? She’s already come out and said she doesn’t feel the same. *Do you think this is something that once you pick up your son and bring him back, that she would somehow get over these stupid fantasies and find out that she does still love you? *

3. What are you going to do about her texting him? How are you going to stand living in the same house coming home wondering if she’s been speaking with him? How do you think the daily grind will look? How would you do this for a whole year while she saves money? Are you hoping after the year, that she feels differently? 

4. One thing I don’t want you to forget here, is that I don’t know much (ok anything!) about divorces or custody agreements, but I do know how a lot of women’s minds work. Do not let her walk all over you! What I think you should do is let it be known to her by your actions, that she’s made her bed and will have to lie in it _unless_ she wants to put you first. Meaning, that’s up to you whether you can or want to forgive. Maybe you don’t. That’s your right. 

See, she thinks you’re going to be hanging on and she can get away with anything because you love her. She’s convinced herself that you’re some kind of backup. Will always be there while she goes out acting a fool. She needs to know (or think) that she’s lost you. Don’t show any emotions to her. Don’t be cruel, but don’t be her whipping boy. Try to make your interactions business like.

See, that’s the part that’s going to be rough. I think you’d be better off with a fresh start. If it wasn’t for your son, you could send her back to Florida and go on with your bad self. But she has that on her side. She knows how much you love your son and want to be with him daily.

This is going to be painful, no lie. This happens in thousands of divorces. The visitation. It always hurts. My parents were divorced too and the visitation was brutal. Watching my dad hurting when he had to drop us back off with my mom. Me and my little brother always feeling guilty about leaving my dad to go back with her. But we got through it. Looking back, I suppose it was better than them continuing to hate each other, living in the same house. They fought a lot.

One little tidbit about that... my dad thought my mom was cheating on him with a friend of hers. My dad filed for divorce immediately even having no proof. She begged to come back home and told him a million times that she wasn’t cheating, but his pride wouldn’t have that, so away we went. She ended up marrying the man that he thought she was cheating with. 

As an adult, I’ve asked her point blank many times, if she cheated when she was married to my dad. She continues to deny that anything ever happened before my dad made her leave. She said it was a mild flirtation and that’s all it was ever going to be. She said after my dad made her leave, then she got scared and didn’t know how she was going to support herself (even though she worked) so she ended up with the other man as a means of necessity. She said my dad basically handed over to him on a silver platter. She married ‘other man’ and it lasted about a year and half. 

The point of that is that it’s up to you what you can accept and what it would mean for your family. This druggie rehab guy is probably just using her, IMO. I wouldn’t hand her over on a silver platter if there’s any way she might come to her senses. Then again, how to trust again? How to make this just a blip in your marriage when you’re sitting out in your rocking chairs? It’s only going to be possible if she wants to try. If she sees that you’re not ****ing around with this. File that divorce and let her know that she’s lost you. If that doesn’t wake her up, I don’t know what will.

I don’t think it’s going to be good for any of you to live in a loveless household if that turns out to be the case. I know it’s going to hurt about your son. I know. You have a really good head on your shoulders, John! I can tell. You’re going to get through this. You’re always going to be his father. He’s always going to know that you love him always.

For now, let’s just see how this week even goes. If she likes this guy, isn’t she going to want to stay in Florida? Be prepared for her to change sh’t up on you. It’s going to take a bit to see what’s really going on with her. Give it a little time and observe. I’m wondering what this guy in Florida is going to do. I’m feeling like he’ll be history soon enough. Especially if she’s home in Georgia.

Look for her to be especially hard to get along with this week. She’s trying not to care about you. She’s talked herself into thinking she doesn’t love you anymore. Thing is, I don’t quite believe that. Do your manly thing and don’t give her any sort of feelings that you’re not getting back.

5. Did you find out who sent the random text? Try to!

I’m sorry I wrote a book here. Honestly, I have no reference for this except the part where I really do think standing up for yourself and not letting her bowl you over is extremely important!

I think if you do file, you should make a thread (maybe linking this one) in the men’s forum. I say that because there are lots of men there that have navigated this same thing, some extremely well. They would be the best ones to give you advice and I’m not sure they even realize that this is more than a ‘new member saying hi’ post. I like marc878’s and the other men on this thread’s advice to you very much. You could probably get a lot more of that in that forum.

Hang in there, Sweetie. Keep us updated.


----------

