# I'm not even sure what I feel anymore.



## Burning Star 🌟 (11 mo ago)

It's been 8 months since the separation. The divorce will likely be final in the coming month. I cry on average 3 times a day. I used to know and fully understand why I was crying and what I was feeling but now I have no idea. I'm not numb, nor bargaining, I've accepted it, I'm not angry, never wanted revenge and I'm not in shock. I just cry. Randomly, I just cry and I'm surprised I'm not dehydrated from all the crying. Lol.... someone who doesn't know anything about my situation asked me if I was happy and of course I put on the ol smile and said "yeah, I'm happy". Then they hit me with "because you seem a little down". And all the effort of protecting I'm okay crumbled before me. I try so hard to be okay. I'm not okay. I don't know what I am so I just cry.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Burning Star 🌟 said:


> It's been 8 months since the separation. The divorce will likely be final in the coming month. I cry on average 3 times a day. I used to know and fully understand why I was crying and what I was feeling but now I have no idea. I'm not numb, nor bargaining, I've accepted it, I'm not angry, never wanted revenge and I'm not in shock. I just cry. Randomly, I just cry and I'm surprised I'm not dehydrated from all the crying. Lol.... someone who doesn't know anything about my situation asked me if I was happy and of course I put on the ol smile and said "yeah, I'm happy". Then they hit me with "because you seem a little down". And all the effort of protecting I'm okay crumbled before me. I try so hard to be okay. I'm not okay. I don't know what I am so I just cry.


Separation & divorce are horrible things that we do to each other.
Even when there are serious problems, the act of separating leaves a real hole in your life that is hard to accept. The grief is real and you should take it at your own pace.

Try to stay active to help distract yourself from playing through the conversations and what-if scenarios. Those won't help you at all.

Talk to a friend you trust, and do things with them. They will understand when you "need a moment".
Do you go to a church? That can be a great source of support.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Also, keep reading & posting here. Talking things out can really help with healing, plus you'll have TAM all stars coming with good ideas for you & good conversation!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I believe it's much healthier if you are a person who can let the emotions out. 
For those like myself who rarely cry it's harder to grieve and go through bad things in a healthy way.


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## Burning Star 🌟 (11 mo ago)

I like that perspective, thanks. I feel crazy sometimes but like you said it may be more healthy than I think. I hope you're able to let it out soon. It's too much to keep in.


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## Burning Star 🌟 (11 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Separation & divorce are horrible things that we do to each other.
> Even when there are serious problems, the act of separating leaves a real hole in your life that is hard to accept. The grief is real and you should take it at your own pace.
> 
> Try to stay active to help distract yourself from playing through the conversations and what-if scenarios. Those won't help you at all.
> ...


The only thing that's kept me sane through all this is my relationship with God, reading the Bible and going to church. I distract myself all day but at night is the worse when I'm just in bed reading my Bible or ready to sleep.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Why did the divorce happen?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Burning Star 🌟 said:


> The only thing that's kept me sane through all this is my relationship with God, reading the Bible and going to church. I distract myself all day but at night is the worse when I'm just in bed reading my Bible or ready to sleep.


That's great, I am a Christian as well so I understand completely what you mean.

Are you involved with any support groups?

Do you have kids? Do you have to stay in some form a relationship with your STBX or can you fully disconnect?


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## Burning Star 🌟 (11 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> That's great, I am a Christian as well so I understand completely what you mean.
> 
> Are you involved with any support groups?
> 
> Do you have kids? Do you have to stay in some form a relationship with your STBX or can you fully disconnect?


This is the first time I've tried to do some type of support group. I have a toddler so it's going to be a long road ahead of me with coparenting. We're just now starting to try to work together so there is hope. There's always hope. I just wanted it all to be over ya know... but it's not going to be over for a while.


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## Burning Star 🌟 (11 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> Why did the divorce happen?


I'm not really going to go into particulars but it needed to happen.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Burning Star 🌟 said:


> This is the first time I've tried to do some type of support group. I have a toddler so it's going to be a long road ahead of me with coparenting. We're just now starting to try to work together so there is hope. There's always hope. I just wanted it all to be over ya know... but it's not going to be over for a while.


Long road ahead indeed. Are you and x remaining 'civil' or is the co-parenting hard from that standpoint?
What's the custody arrangement like? Are you happy with that?


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## Burning Star 🌟 (11 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Long road ahead indeed. Are you and x remaining 'civil' or is the co-parenting hard from that standpoint?
> What's the custody arrangement like? Are you happy with that?


So far I'm handling everything fine. Him and I are becoming more and more civil toward one another. Neither one of us trusts the other which is the biggest issue but we're both being mature about everything which helps. It started out like a war and it's finally settling down and we're a actually listening to each other so it's getting better. It gets lonely sometimes but after being with someone for so long, that's expected. I've never been by myself or dated really. We were high school sweethearts (13 yrs married, 15 together). I had to figure out how to do basic things like get a oil change and things like that since I've just never had to do any of it. It hurts that the love doesn't go away. Through all the pain and hurt there's still love. And that's the most painful part.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Burning Star 🌟 said:


> The only thing that's kept me sane through all this is my relationship with God, reading the Bible and going to church. I distract myself all day but at night is the worse when I'm just in bed reading my Bible or ready to sleep.


Yes, my faith was very important as well. I hope you have some friends and family who can help.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Burning Star 🌟 said:


> It's been 8 months since the separation. The divorce will likely be final in the coming month. I cry on average 3 times a day. I used to know and fully understand why I was crying and what I was feeling but now I have no idea. I'm not numb, nor bargaining, I've accepted it, I'm not angry, never wanted revenge and I'm not in shock. I just cry. Randomly, I just cry and I'm surprised I'm not dehydrated from all the crying. Lol.... someone who doesn't know anything about my situation asked me if I was happy and of course I put on the ol smile and said "yeah, I'm happy". Then they hit me with "because you seem a little down". And all the effort of protecting I'm okay crumbled before me. I try so hard to be okay. I'm not okay. I don't know what I am so I just cry.


I think you are just mourning. Seems pretty normal to me. I don't think you should be afraid, it will not be like this forever.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Burning Star 🌟 said:


> So far I'm handling everything fine. Him and I are becoming more and more civil toward one another. Neither one of us trusts the other which is the biggest issue but we're both being mature about everything which helps. It started out like a war and it's finally settling down and we're a actually listening to each other so it's getting better. It gets lonely sometimes but after being with someone for so long, that's expected. I've never been by myself or dated really. We were high school sweethearts (13 yrs married, 15 together). I had to figure out how to do basic things like get a oil change and things like that since I've just never had to do any of it. It hurts that the love doesn't go away. Through all the pain and hurt there's still love. And that's the most painful part.


It's good to hear you both are civil & mature about co-parenting. That's one hurdle you don't have to deal with unlike a lot of folks. Count your blessings!
Being together so long & starting so young will take a long time to recover emotionally. Love doesn't go away so easy but can change to something else over time.

@Diana7 mentioned family and friends who could help though some of the tougher things while you transition to being single/independent.

Do you have that support system?


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## Trevor H (11 mo ago)

@Burning Star 🌟 
After reading your post, this sounds so much like my situation. I am separated 4 months after 37 years (7 plus 30 married). Please keep us posted. I still cry and have panic attacks but have some close friends that will support me. Not trying to hijack your post - just reminding you you're not alone.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Burning Star 🌟 said:


> So far I'm handling everything fine. Him and I are becoming more and more civil toward one another. Neither one of us trusts the other which is the biggest issue but we're both being mature about everything which helps. It started out like a war and it's finally settling down and we're a actually listening to each other so it's getting better. It gets lonely sometimes but after being with someone for so long, that's expected. I've never been by myself or dated really. We were high school sweethearts (13 yrs married, 15 together). I had to figure out how to do basic things like get a oil change and things like that since I've just never had to do any of it. It hurts that the love doesn't go away. Through all the pain and hurt there's still love. And that's the most painful part.


Yes the fact that you've been with someone since you were a teen makes everything a bigger adjustment. I imagine you have a lot of fear. 


All I can tell you is that until you are on your own for a couple of years, you don't really find out exactly who you are without the influence of other people. Before him it was your parents. So you are kind of having make a maturity leap as an individual and grow into your own shoes. So that's going to be a little scary and challenging, but the payoff is you will be able to do whatever you want and follow your own path and come and go as you please and make your own decisions. In time you will find that freeing instead of scary. 

Maybe you have someone you can at least ask what to do when you have a situation where you need to hire someone. Like you can ask someone you trust where they take their car to the mechanic or that sort of thing. 

I know you will feel better in time, but just let it all out whenever you can. Number one, take care of your own self through this. Don't neglect your own care.


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## Burning Star 🌟 (11 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> It's good to hear you both are civil & mature about co-parenting. That's one hurdle you don't have to deal with unlike a lot of folks. Count your blessings!
> Being together so long & starting so young will take a long time to recover emotionally. Love doesn't go away so easy but can change to something else over time.
> 
> @Diana7 mentioned family and friends who could help though some of the tougher things while you transition to being single/independent.
> ...


I do kind of. I don't live around my support system. But if I needed them, they'd come which is very nice. I try to keep myself busy.


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## Burning Star 🌟 (11 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Yes the fact that you've been with someone since you were a teen makes everything a bigger adjustment. I imagine you have a lot of fear.
> 
> 
> All I can tell you is that until you are on your own for a couple of years, you don't really find out exactly who you are without the influence of other people. Before him it was your parents. So you are kind of having make a maturity leap as an individual and grow into your own shoes. So that's going to be a little scary and challenging, but the payoff is you will be able to do whatever you want and follow your own path and come and go as you please and make your own decisions. In time you will find that freeing instead of scary.
> ...


Yeah, the adjustment is wild but like you said, it'll get easier. Great advice. Thanks!


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## Burning Star 🌟 (11 mo ago)

Trevor H said:


> @Burning Star 🌟
> After reading your post, this sounds so much like my situation. I am separated 4 months after 37 years (7 plus 30 married). Please keep us posted. I still cry and have panic attacks but have some close friends that will support me. Not trying to hijack your post - just reminding you you're not alone.


Thanks! It's so selfish but It's nice knowing I'm not the only one.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Burning Star 🌟 said:


> Thanks! It's so selfish but It's nice knowing I'm not the only one.


It's "Comforting" I would say.
"Selfish" is such an ugly word


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## LoveBerries (10 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> Why did the divorce happen?





BeyondRepair007 said:


> It's "Comforting" I would say.
> "Selfish" is such an ugly word


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## LoveBerries (10 mo ago)

Burning Star 🌟 said:


> It's been 8 months since the separation. The divorce will likely be final in the coming month. I cry on average 3 times a day. I used to know and fully understand why I was crying and what I was feeling but now I have no idea. I'm not numb, nor bargaining, I've accepted it, I'm not angry, never wanted revenge and I'm not in shock. I just cry. Randomly, I just cry and I'm surprised I'm not dehydrated from all the crying. Lol.... someone who doesn't know anything about my situation asked me if I was happy and of course I put on the ol smile and said "yeah, I'm happy". Then they hit me with "because you seem a little down". And all the effort of protecting I'm okay crumbled before me. I try so hard to be okay. I'm not okay. I don't know what I am so I just cry.


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