# Is he incapable of change?



## AudrinaG (Jun 14, 2010)

My husband and i have been separated for about a month; i asked him to leave after about 5 years of watching him grow increasingly detached and disconnected from life. He's never been emotional or expressive, but always kind and gentle and nonverbally communicates his love for me. His apathy has impacted us financially; he has been unemployed for a long time, and has been delinquent in his business taxes and our family taxes. he has ADHD and is now on antidepressants, plus we are paying to rent a machine to help him with his sleep apnea. He has taken to overeating and has gained a lot of weight: the doc said his sleep apnea is a direct result of him being overweight. No matter what i do, i have not been able to get through to him, he has just shut down. 

We are in counseling and he is learning how to talk about his feelings and claims to be "getting it." but when i ask him for affection he claims he is "doing his best" and he's not ready to sleep over because he is so hurt...I think he just really wants to hang out with his new roommates! He told me tonight he was worried about needing to get up early, just as he told me he has stayed up super late to hang out with his roommates recently.

it just seems like he is giving lip service to "working it out" because he always wants to be perceived as doing the "right" thing. But he is not doing the work and he maybe wants out but is avoiding conflict, trying to stall until i so something , and then he can play the victim.


No


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## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

You need to bring this out in counseling. You also need to set some goals and ask him to do the same and start working to achieve them. You can always move forward. Let him know you'd like him to as well but if he's going to stay and continue to destroy himself then he will may find himself alone.


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## Avalon (Jul 5, 2011)

Actions definitely speak louder than words... He can say he's "getting it" until he's blue in the face, but if his actions don't show that, then he really isn't getting anything at all.


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