# What makes a good dad?



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

For both men and women to respond. Every monday is always sad, with my daughter being taken away for the week by my STBX. Everytime it's a reminder of how I've failed her by failing to maintain the family unit. I always dedicate the weekends to her, no time for mates, for myself, or anything else, since I only see her 2-3 days a week. She's very inquisitive, very curious, very sweet, I suggest we go out somewhere, she doesn't stop bugging me until we do.

Over the 4 years my STBX has always taken her out with her whereever she went, so now she's used to it. If she must stay at home she is mostly bored. Still, what makes a good dad? I think I've disappointed her enough with our family breakup.

Bah, I hate mondays...


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Everytime it's a reminder of how I've failed her by failing to maintain the family unit...
> 
> I think I've disappointed her enough with our family breakup.



Okay, I don't know your story but why is is all your fault that the marriage broke up?

Look, what makes a good dad is mostly spending time together with your kid. A LOT of dad's do not realize that this is the most important thing to a kid.


Being encouraging and communicative is also very good. Being interested in what they like to do makes them feel important. And honesty also. That's important. Your children are going to model themselves after you.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

RD - it's your time that is most precious I believe and being fully present during that time...don't spend it on computers or watching TV etc...).

Thinking back to my childhood... for me I remember time spent with my dad in the garden ( I now grow food and landscape for my living) or doing sports and also have lovely memories of 'family nights' playing cards and board games.

What sort of places does she want to go out too? 

Maybe find a way to make this special...find some new places that are just known to the two of you...a new favourite eatery or skating or gaming or???


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Be there for her when she needs you. Live a good life so that she will have an example to look to. My heart aches for you, just do what you can when you can.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

sparkyjim said:


> Look, what makes a good dad is mostly spending time together with your kid. A LOT of dad's do not realize that this is the most important thing to a kid.


 
It boils down to telling the truth, discipline, and time together. That is something my stbxh could never understand. He thought all he needed to do was be his best friend and lavish him with gifts. Not only did that cause a disconnect with his son, it put a huge wedge between us as a couple and was 90% of our arguments.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Being there for the good, BAD and the UGLY. This means having the child when she's sick, angry, pissed at you, etc. Helping with homework, projects, etc. 

Not just coming around when it's good for the dad, but for the kids as well, even if it's uncomfortable for the dad. No "weekend dad" stuff. The WEEK is when the business is happening. Why should DADs (or the other spouse) have the fun time while the other spouse is doing the WORK? 

Living with integrity, even if that means you don't have the biggest and newest of everything.

Working hard and instilling good work ethic.

LOVING the children's mother even if you aren't with the woman. Respect is a good way to show this love, especially in front of your child. NEVER badmouth your ex around the child. It won't get her to be on your side, but she will start to dislike you. A lot.

Never make the child choose sides.

Don't "buy" the children's love with things. GIVE YOUR TIME.

Hug your children and say "i love you". SAY THE WORDS. They need to hear it. Often.

Don't become a pushover because of guilt. Stick to your word and be consistent and fair.

DO NOT vent your frustrations with the situation with your ex to your child. Ever. Never ever. 

Dress good. lolol. this is important when your child is older.

Cook something other than from a box or from a drive thru. Learn 3 or 4 recipes REALLY WELL that the kid will eat.

Have date night with your kid. Spur of the moment outings. Life is short....sign her out from school an hour early and go to a movie. She won't die.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

that_girl said:


> LOVING the children's mother even if you aren't with the woman. * Respect *is a good way to show this love, *especially in front of your child.*





My stbxh was famous for undermining my authority in front of me and our son. It taught our son to not respect me. I ended up with an out of control older teen who was already developmentally slow. He turned into a young adult who doesn't understand boundaries with others. Stbxh also called me names and would get angry and puff up at me to intimidate me. He did it in front of our son. Guess what? Our son tries that crap with me now. Just a few days ago he admitted he does it to get me to back down. His father might not have taken school seriously, but I do and I will not back down until my son has a diploma in hand.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I remember my dad coaching my softball teams, teaching me how to hammer drywall to a frame, taking me bra shopping because my mom was ill, buying my kotex and laughing that it had "wings". Being there when I was happy, being there when I was sad...letting me schmooze him a little, but not too much.

My parents divorced when I was 12. He was a good dad (passed almost 3 years ago June).


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

The fact that Monday makes you sad, means your a great dad who cares. Seen the posts lately? Lots of what not to do, I'm sure you're fine. Just make sure she eats healthy, learns to love herself for who she is, and always listen to her when she tells you something. You will have her trust and she will know that daddy will always be there for her. Hug her and enjoy every minute because they grow up fast.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I broke up with my ex about six years ago. My daughters are now 9 and 6 (were 3 and 8 months when it happened.) From that perspective, I can tell you a few things I have learned (some through trial and error...)

Time. Time is important. Sometimes you don't have to be out and about "doing" stuff, but can just as easily be snuggled up on the sofa watching and talking about a film, reading a book, listening to music she likes. It's all about giving her your undivided attention.

Be the "go-to guy." This probably won't apply so much now but when she's older. Example from my own life: it's been a long day with the kids. The older ones want to go out on our weekly jaunt to do an activity they really enjoy but I am knackered beyond belief and can barely move. Next move - phone Dad. Dad saves the day and takes them out and delivers them home safely after. Kids have a great time, dad gets some extra time with them, and mum gets to refresh for when they get back.
Note: NEVER turn them down for a random casual arrangement. They will feel not very important. Mine have actually been turned down because dad was going to the supermarket with his girlfriend.

Never badmouth mum. Don't interfere with the relationship between her and her mum no matter how you feel. Respect the feelings she has for her mum. Take an interest if she tells you stories about mum, that kind of thing.

Know what's going on in her life even if you haven't seen her for a few days. Catch up with a phone call even if to just say good night. Know that she is going away on a school trip, where she is going, and ask her about it after. Know that Lily/Katie/Heather invited her to her birthday party at the soft play and she's really excited. Know that she fell out with her best friend at nursery/school and she feels sad about it.

Show that you thought about her when she wasn't with you. You picked up a book you knew she'd like and put it in her room for when she comes over next. There's a film on TV later you know she loves and you thought you'd call her up to let her know it's on. Grandma/Auntie/cousin/next-door neighbour/Bob at work baked her some cakes/has some dressing-up clothes for her/got her a teddy bear and you have it for her. That also shows her that a lot of people care about her and she is important in everyone's life.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

George529 said:


> I'll probably commit Seppuku when the time comes I have to "give her away".


A familiar sentiment among ALL of us Dad's I believe!!

Everything people have said here are spot on. Sometimes, IMO, you need to trust your instincts. Not a lot of us Dads do that cuz...well...we're men and they're our little girls.

I like the thing about tea parties. Picture Dig and my then 5 year old daughter going to Disney's Princesses on Ice. She was resplendant in her Cinderella princess gown and then there's me...big "biker" type guy holding her hand and then her sparkly wand when she had to adjust her dress. Singing all the songs with her - cuz you just know them. Enjoying the fact that she's my little girl and I'm her Dad.

What makes a good Dad?

It's the bright light in your soul. It's the guy she's looking at and smiling at when she says "I love you, Daddy". That bright light. That innate ability of pureness and love. That's what makes a good Dad.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

that_girl said:


> Being there for the good, BAD and the UGLY. This means having the child when she's sick, angry, pissed at you, etc. Helping with homework, projects, etc.
> 
> Not just coming around when it's good for the dad, but for the kids as well, even if it's uncomfortable for the dad. No "weekend dad" stuff. The WEEK is when the business is happening. Why should DADs (or the other spouse) have the fun time while the other spouse is doing the WORK?
> 
> ...


Excellent Post :smthumbup: ...Heck I am not sure what to add to this [email protected]#$%$

Sounds like you have a good  and the best of intentions Random Dude...I consider my husband almost a push over Dad...but darn the kids LOVE him...

*1. *Be a careful listener of her day.....take in every word...build on it... encourage her... inspire her....praise her....

*2. * If she is in a Play, tap dancing , gymnastics, soft ball...go to watch her ...be a part of her life...that she sees DAD in the bleachers cheering her on. Even if kids shrug this stuff off, it means the world to them.

Our son called on Sat to say where he was running Track, he just won a medal -and if I came, I could catch his last run...Ya know I had 2 rooms torn apart, like a cyclone hit my house, husband was at work...I was tempted to NOT Go....justifying I was too busy, had too much work ahead of me.... but I KNEW, as a Mom, I should go...TAKE THE TIME...this can wait...but children can't wait.....so I grabbed our daughter and went to watch him...I know it makes our kids feel good that we show up ....he sucked at the next race, I think I jinxed him .. but I was THERE. 

This is what counts ...they will look back upon these things...

*3*. I just asked my husband...he said "one who plays with the kids"... take time to play board games... watch movies with her.

*4*. With all this positive stuff said...don't spoil her, you don't want to create a over inflated Princess who feels she is the World's gift either...if she does wrong...she needs to be sat down...talked to...with swift consequences too...this can be tough with parents separated as the child may gravitate to the more lenient parent ratting on the one who tries to be more of a firm disciplinarian...when they need this..as they get more rebellious. 

*5. *Lots of laughter...Kids will always remember the laughter...



> *SomedayDig said *: What makes a good Dad?
> 
> It's the bright light in your soul. It's the guy she's looking at and smiling at when she says "I love you, Daddy". That bright light. That innate ability of pureness and love. That's what makes a good Dad.


 Love it .

Butterfly Kisses - Bob Carlisle - YouTube

let them be little ~ billy dean - YouTube


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Lots and lots and lots of time together doing fun, inane, little things. That's what will matter to her. Take her to garage sales and look for board games that you can play together. Buy some kits for building birdhouses and stuff, and put them together together and paint them. If you have a house, start a vegetable garden; if you have an apartment with a balcony, make a container garden. Read, read, read, read, read. And read some more.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hmmm, good suggestions and points here. I guess I haven't been doing as much as I could, like it's not often I pick her up from school instead of her mum... maybe I'll do it this week and take her out somewhere. I'm also planning a holiday to Brisbane later but I've yet to discuss with my STBX about my daughter coming with me.

She's still very young and it's 'tea party' age but frankly I don't really mind. It's interesting to see where her imagination takes her when we play together. But she's mostly an outdoor girl now, so most of the time she takes my hand and tries to drag me to the car lol

I've been spoiling her abit I guess, but yeah it's guilt. But the thing is, she doesn't seem to be taking advantage of it. Like sure, when she acts up, once she realises daddy's not happy with her she stops. She's not like this with mum for some reason.


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## notsocool (Jul 4, 2010)

I didn't see my dad every day, just weekends.
When he looked at me or when we talked, I had a strong feeling that he liked me. Love was a given.
But he seemed to like me as a person, that had a very positive impact.

He never judged me and I always felt safe and secure with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I remember my dad coaching my softball teams, teaching me how to hammer drywall to a frame, taking me bra shopping because my mom was ill, buying my kotex and laughing that it had "wings". Being there when I was happy, being there when I was sad...letting me schmooze him a little, but not too much.
> 
> My parents divorced when I was 12. He was a good dad (passed almost 3 years ago June).


My condolences. I'm sorry for your loss. The fact that you remember your dad like this speaks volume of his character.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> For both men and women to respond. Every monday is always sad, with my daughter being taken away for the week by my STBX. Everytime it's a reminder of how I've failed her by failing to maintain the family unit. I always dedicate the weekends to her, no time for mates, for myself, or anything else, since I only see her 2-3 days a week. She's very inquisitive, very curious, very sweet, I suggest we go out somewhere, she doesn't stop bugging me until we do.
> 
> Over the 4 years my STBX has always taken her out with her whereever she went, so now she's used to it. If she must stay at home she is mostly bored. Still, what makes a good dad? I think I've disappointed her enough with our family breakup.
> 
> Bah, I hate mondays...


As the father you will have to keep a fine balance of love, discipline, strength, leadership, etc. 

I know this might sound harsh but you need to stop worrying about if you daughter will hate you because you didn't do XYZ and/or bought her the newest Ipod. As a father you should embrace your leadership role and take charge. Children need their parents to be leaders. 

Years ago I was petrified to say no to any request that my son threw at me. I caved on most things thinking that would show I was a great dad by saying yes and not letting him want for anything. It wasn't until speaking to other successful fathers, TAM members, books and some self reflection that I realized that your kids need you to be a leader and teach them to grow up to be secure, healthy adults ready to face this cruel unforgiving world. I would even dare say that giving into your kids every desire is tantamount to child abuse as when they get older the world will eat them alive while you watch them implode. That is being a failure. 

Having said all this the best currency you can spend on your children is time. Kids require an amazing amount of your time which might force you to give up some things you enjoy in the short term. You do it because you love them and want to spend the time, not because you are obligated, remember that!

Also please remember one thing, being a male and being a father does not mean you have to be Mr. Tough guy. Men can be very nurturing, sensitive, loving and still be considered "manly". 

These phrases pay incredible dividends especially if you mean it:


I love you son/daughter
It's great to see you
Loved spending time with you today
Looking forward to seeing you again.

Any obviously many more. Kids need to feel secure especially with daughters. My ex never had her dad in her life and her mom constantly bashed him which made her angry at men and insecure. Don't let your daughter grow up to be a man hater. 

Good luck and I pray for the best for you. Just remember that your role as a father might be under attack in this society but its still crucial. Love your kids and spend time with them!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My dad was selfish. He was egotistical. Quick to anger. Expected me to cater to him, not the other way around. If I wanted to be with him, I had to do what he wanted (he took me to see Barbarella when I was 10).

Don't be like that dad.


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## BaxJanson (Apr 4, 2013)

Same thing as makes any relationship work, really. Find as many ways to show her that she is important to you - not that her happiness is, but that SHE is. Teaching her, inviting her into your world - some of my best memories with my dad were watching him do something like change the oil, but he included me, and taught me a skill. Learn skills for her. Be firm when she needs firmness. Be a rock when she needs a firm foundation, and a warm comforter when she needs that. Do everything you can to make it possible for her to be the best she can be, and let her know when she succeeds.
Invest in her. Follow her as passionately as any fan has followed a football team. Cheer when she does well, and rage when she does poorly - safely and without losing control, naturally. Hug her. Often, firmly, and as long as she will let you.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

Quality time. Be present be attentive and don't be afraid to embarrass yourself. I was a big daddy's girl. And the things I remember most are working in the garage, fixing things, building things, waxing skis, camping, playing frisbee, baseball etc. it was all about how my dad made me feel. I was his right hand girl. Though I probably hindered more than helped he always made me feel like he couldn't do it without me. That's what I remember most


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Here's another one I love - 

Paul Simon - Father And Daughter - YouTube


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It's very hard not to spoil her, guess it's the guilt too. But it's more like - just feel that she's worth it. She has been very well raised thus far in manners, decency and politeness thanks to my STBX, in fact I would say that yes she has been a very good mother. Our daughter's always very sweet, but I don't get her things out of her demands, it's mostly out of affection.

When we go shopping I don't mind getting her anything she wants within reason. And the funny thing is that she rarely acts up with me, she throws tantrums at mum instead! She always wants to explore however, so she's happiest when we all go out, best in holidays/road trips. Guess this outgoing side comes from STBX's side of the family, or maybe its because she's always been an outdoor girl since a babe.

There are somethings I obviously can't give her - like hey she wants a horse/pony! They are VERY expensive and require ALOT of work to take care of, they aren't your average pet. But daddy's a rider, so she wants to be one too. She always follows me around and wants to do what I do, so I found whenever I have her, I have a big responsibility to lead/encourage her.

At times, it can be a bit of a pain! I guess after 4 years she does get a bit annoying at times, I never show it however. I have spent less and less time with her since 1 year ago, but now with the impending divorce every weekend I spend whole days with her.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

4 year olds are annoying. My ex talked shet on our 4 year old to his ex and it pissed me off. Used that same word. Kids are annoying if you are irritated in general. They ask questions, they push buttons, they push limits. These are all TEACHABLE moments to raise productive individuals.

Play games with her. Even if you're bored. I just played 2 games of Memory with my 4 year old. Omg. But I did it and she loved it. We walk after dinner now...it's the best conversations ever with her.

But "annoying" is all perspective. She'll never be this age again. Ever. Enjoy it and guide her with proper manners and values.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, she'll be five soon lol

Her inquisitive nature doesn't bother me at all, it's mostly her following me around and never leaving me alone which bugs me after a while lol. But since the seperation it stopped being a problem as I only see her 2-3 days a week and I try to make the best of it. She can really eat up whole days!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Take that as a compliment  She's your little girl! She follows you around because she loves you and looks up to you.

Soon enough she'll be be 13 and not want to deal much with you lol. I have one of those too. 

My 4 year old follows me around and her dad around. It bugs him too. I tell him to get over it and enjoy it. It won't last.

You are her first love.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Eh? So at 13 she'll break my heart? Bah! lol

It's fine, it's just a minor complaint I have from time to time heh
Daddy picks his nose when he thinks no one is looking but NO, daughter has to copy 

-.-
That kind of thing... lol


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

lol Enjoy it.

Pick your belly button while you're at it.

Then have a burping contest. 

Dad shet.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Lol, that would be a good way to p-ss off my STBX when she goes home to her mum haha

STBX wants to raise her to be a classy lady, so the burping, nose/belly picking, is all going to come back at me haha xD


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

RD, I would urge you to rethink the 'buying her whatever she wants.' That's absolutely the worst thing to do with a child, in terms of the development of their personality. How about you say you'll talk about it when you get home, and once home, you set up a piggy bank, and put a dollar in it toward whatever it is she wanted? Each time she's over, put another dollar in it. Take it out once in a while and teach her to count the money, so she can anticipate getting the item, learn to count, too!, and learn the importance of respecting things she gets.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yes. Don't let guilt buy her love.

And I was raised a classy lady....cotillion, finishing classes (I can set a MEAN dinner table  )...but I can also out burp the biggest trucker.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

that_girl said:


> Yes. Don't let guilt buy her love.


 It's not so much that, as it is that she will grow to not appreciate stuff, she may grow to _expect_ stuff, and to judge her worth and value by how much stuff people give her; in other words, become shallow. It starts early. Best to keep 'stuff' to a minimum and replace it with love, attention, teaching, fun...so she knows what's really valuable.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I'll try to be better at it this weekend. I don't know though, maybe because as a child I had to work for everything I get a part of me wants to spoil my daughter to make up for it? I don't know

Alot of the stuff I got her over the years provided very little entertainment value (hours), but some stuff were recyclable, they became characters for her wild imagination. Sometimes it's just the little things like riding on a shopping mall pony, but I never watch my wallet. It's not like she asks for a thousand dollar purchase, I wouldn't spend that unless I know it's going to last. Rather spent that money on a holiday where all three of us could go.

Heh, all three of us... more pleasant times.

Meh, fatherhood sucks without a mother, this doesn't feel like a family at all. Sure, I pick her up tomorrow so she can spend time with her dad but it's not what I promised her when I first held her all those years ago. Oh well, take what one can get right?


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Sharing your children’s passions with passion.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Just curious now, I remember a post years ago that mentioned parental expectations. As much as I spoil her (and ok ok, I'm trying not to), I also have high hopes for her. So far she's proving me proud especially in light of parental seperation and a broken home. She seems to fear disappointing me more than any punishment judging over the years (and acts up with mum but is always a good girl with me lol)

But are expectations unhealthy? She exceeded them regardless, I thought she would be acting up more or proving to be a handful (based on my mother-in-law since seperation she has been acting up alot more but I doubt it's because of her - I don't like my mother-in-law, period). It's not that I don't encourage her or support her, I cried with her when she cried, lifted her up and showed her that mummy and daddy can also make mistakes, but doesn't mean that we love her any less.

But hell, she's my heir =/
My one and only child! And an awesome one at that!


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I used to think it was a bunch of things. But in the end over the last 5 months I've come to discover its being there and just hanging with them and loving them. 

I take them out and such but its nothing special beyond just hanging out. I also learned to stop yelling and just talking. My Ex can do all the yelling now, which she does.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

High expectations are VERY important. No one succeeds without them.

However, they must be tempered with logic, and realistic limits. If you set a high expectation, as I did, include many ways for your child to achieve them - offer your time and help, talk about avenues for achievement, offer up other help, let them know you are their cheerleader and aide.

When DD22 was in 7th grade, she got popular and her grades slipped (forgive me if I told this already). I told her at the end of the year that she would have 8th grade to bring her grades up, or else I was sending her to the magnet school for 9th, away from her friends. I was available any time to help her with schoolwork, I would even pay for a tutor if she needed it. But it was on her. She continued to have bad grades, KNOWING I expected better from her. 

So guess what? She got her consequence. She went to the magnet school. And she busted her butt to get her grades up so she could go back to the school with her friends the next year. 

If I hadn't held true, given the consequence, she'd be a slacker today.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

The father ought to step in and model his life through actions, discipline, play, affection, and storytelling. Don't use your kids to fill in as a codependents because you love yourself more...do not snuff out their individuality because you haven't worked out your own daddy issues and HAVE to rule extremely domineering to feed your own ego...or leave them lost and confused because you feel you don't have good daddy skills. Have the courage to interact and mentor your kids! Good fathers don't shy away from "the talks" when the kid is adolescent and seeking his/her own identity...and the father should feel satisfied that he took all the time possible to establish values that he believes for his family within the minds of the kids...knowing that while the may experiment in stupidity...they will have dad's loving wisdom to act as their guidepost and one day pass on the legacy to their children. Then you get to be a grandpa and spoil the **** out of them.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> For both men and women to respond. Every monday is always sad, with my daughter being taken away for the week by my STBX. Everytime it's a reminder of how I've failed her by failing to maintain the family unit. I always dedicate the weekends to her, no time for mates, for myself, or anything else, since I only see her 2-3 days a week. She's very inquisitive, very curious, very sweet, I suggest we go out somewhere, she doesn't stop bugging me until we do.
> 
> Over the 4 years my STBX has always taken her out with her whereever she went, so now she's used to it. If she must stay at home she is mostly bored. Still, what makes a good dad? I think I've disappointed her enough with our family breakup.
> 
> Bah, I hate mondays...


When I married, I gained a 12 year old Step Daughter.

We were never able to have a close relationship because of her tremendous desire to be close to her biological dad. He convinced her that if she said one kind word to me... it was a sign that she was rejecting him. More than anything else, she craved his love/affection.

However, I learned a tremendous amount about daddy/daughter relationships from her. She absolutely craved her dad's attention. And didn't get it. Her dad promised her every other weekend that he'd pick her up after his tennis match and they'd spend the weekend together. In 6 years... I think he actually picked her up maybe twice. But, every Friday... she'd get all dressed up... have her bags packed.... sitting in the den watching the front door... until going to bed about midnight. The worst part was... she took her anger and frustration out on the adult male nearest to her... ME!!!! I felt sorry for her. I really did.

My step-daughter is 30 and in just the last few years... she has come to realize what a jerk her father and in just the last few months or so, she has started to actually acknowledge my existence. We're making progress. 

Then, I got my own daughter. To this day we are very tight. She saw my daughter getting all the attention that she craved and didn't get from her father. I think that just peeved her off even more. Step could have had it but she totally rejected me not wanting to jeopardize any chance she had of obtaining her father's attention. 

How to be a great dad. Give your daughter all the quantity time you can. Quality moments happen in the middle of all that quantity time. I don't believe you can schedule quality moments. They just happen.

Let her set on your lap and talk to her. LISTEN to her. Give her hugs.. give her kisses.. tell her you love her. 

Be at her events. I was at every play, concert, ball game, back to school night, etc. I was at everything my step daughter did as well as at my daughter's stuff. Step-daughter's dad was never at anything. In spite of telling her he would be. 

At the same time... try to support her mother if reasonable. My wife's Ex undercut her authority at ever opportunity. Try to put the child's welfare ahead of personal animosity with her mother. 

Ask her mom to do the same. Do NOT put the child in the middle of a power struggle. 

Don't spoil her with possessions. Keep your commitments to her.. What she needs is your genuine time and attention.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, my STBX and I have prioritised our daughter's welfare over our troubles, hence why we are still in contact, and I have consistently picked her up every weekend (well, maybe a few times due to work I left her with mum but made time during the week instead)... guess I'm not that bad right? I also see what you mean with expectations, thanks for that, I guess I shouldn't feel bad by having high hopes for her, especially as promising as she is. I hope I won't have to threaten her in the future, I kinda like her wanting to be a good girl to impress daddy!

She'll probably break my heart as she grows older and when I have to pull a tougher face  Strange, part of the reason I'm asking this is probably out of guilt that I failed as a father due to my marriage breaking down, after promising that what happened in my childhood won't happen in my daughter's


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Well, my STBX and I have prioritised our daughter's welfare over our troubles, hence why we are still in contact, and I have consistently picked her up every weekend (well, maybe a few times due to work I left her with mum but made time during the week instead)... guess I'm not that bad right? I also see what you mean with expectations, thanks for that, I guess I shouldn't feel bad by having high hopes for her, especially as promising as she is. I hope I won't have to threaten her in the future, I kinda like her wanting to be a good girl to impress daddy!
> 
> She'll probably break my heart as she grows older and when I have to pull a tougher face  Strange, part of the reason I'm asking this is probably out of guilt that I failed as a father due to my marriage breaking down, after promising that what happened in my childhood won't happen in my daughter's


You've got the advantage that you are her dad. Girl's naturally love their daddy's. 

Try everything you can to get along with her mother. Don't give mom any ammunition. I wouldn't talk bad about her mother in front of her.

One specific thing you can do if she's still in grade school. Ask her if she'd like you to come eat lunch with her. My daughter LOVED me to come eat lunch with her.

That came to a screeching halt she hit middle school. 

And for God's sake... if you can't keep your commitment. CALL!!! Talk to her mother first... then talk to her... Don't let that kid sat forlornly glancing at the door every 10 seconds for hours on end. I watched my step do that every other Friday and it was heart breaking watching the disappointment growing in her eyes every minute. 

The mistake my wife/her mom made was covering for him. Make excuses for him... hoping against hope that the jerk would straighten up. It just prolonged the agony. I wouldn't recommend saying negative remarks... just let the daughter see the truth.. and come to her own conclusions.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Dude, you are talking dangerously close to someone who's going to inappropriately and unhealthily spoil your daughter. all the wrong reasons. Ok?

Please rethink this. Read some books about it.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> For both men and women to respond. Every monday is always sad, with my daughter being taken away for the week by my STBX. Everytime it's a reminder of how I've failed her by failing to maintain the family unit. I always dedicate the weekends to her, no time for mates, for myself, or anything else, since I only see her 2-3 days a week. She's very inquisitive, very curious, very sweet, I suggest we go out somewhere, she doesn't stop bugging me until we do.
> 
> Over the 4 years my STBX has always taken her out with her whereever she went, so now she's used to it. If she must stay at home she is mostly bored. Still, what makes a good dad? I think I've disappointed her enough with our family breakup.
> 
> Bah, I hate mondays...


I know the feeling Random. My wife was a serial cheater (well twice) so I hired a lawyer, filed, and felt unreal guilt. I was very fit but actually congestive heart failure and was in the hospital at age 27 and I know it was due to the guilt and stress I put on myself.

So what makes a good dad. I'm going to step up to the soap box, get high and mighty, or whatever because taking care of our kids is more important than our feelings, our guilt, or our feeling judged. You always do what you THINK is right based on logic and objectivity whether it sucks or not. I personally think way more than 50% of the population raises their kids out of fear and denial and many are here on TAM too. I've seen the threads and I've seen the touchy feely comments defending them from otherwise respectable posters.

So you want to look back 20,30,40 years from now with contentment that you did your best? Do what you THINK is right. Hopefully that aligns with what feels rights most of the time but the true test is when what you think versus what you feel differ.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I still remember the day my mom told me that I was spoiling my daughter. I didn't want to hear her. But I did, eventually. And she was right. I pulled back. Just in time.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Guess it's just guilt making me want to spoil her, have to overcome it somehow. It works bothways though. Yes, I always call if I can't make it to pick her up, and make up for it, yet that in itself is rare, almost all of the time I'm there every weekend.

The thing is, she's very obedient with me, which I also wish to reward and encourage for her good behaviour. Hence she's hard not to spoil, although my STBX and her mum begs to differ, but I don't know. She's different with me then them. She's a good girl to her mum most of the time though as I do try to be as united as I can when it comes to my STBX, but she doesn't listen to her grandmother.

Then again, I don't like her grandmother anyways, I still remember the time when she wanted my STBX to abort our daughter and went around saying nasty things about me as I wasn't Christian, wasn't white (nor is she pfft, nor is my STBX - not completely anyway), and wasn't established financially. I haven't said anything about that to my daughter, but I do tend to side with her over her grandmother, which probably has led to her thinking she can rebel against grandma cause daddy would have her back.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Spend as much time with your children as you can, IMHO it does not matter too much what you do together the important thing is being together be it in person, on the phone, in a letter / e-mail.

Support your children (financially, emotionally, by sharing) in the things they love. 

Do not lie to your children, by all means break bad news gently and at the right time or spare them the gory details.

Most important let your children know that you love then even when you hate something that they have done. 

(I had a shipmate who had left the Quaker church to join the military. His mother hated that but still sent him loving letters every week).


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> The thing is, she's very obedient with me, which I also wish to reward and encourage for her good behaviour. Hence she's hard not to spoil


Great! Reward her with a trip to the park. A picnic. Taking 20 minutes to color in her color book with her.

_Just stop spending money._

All that does is teach her money = love. Guess what she'll do when she's old enough to date?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> but she doesn't listen to her grandmother.
> I do tend to side with her over her grandmother, which probably has led to her thinking she can rebel against grandma cause daddy would have her back.


You let her disrespect an adult and you reward her for it? 

Why on earth would you do that?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Nope, just her. And cause she's the same woman who wanted her dead all those years ago. I've never forgiven her for that, even if she's changed abit over the years. It was so bad at one point I didn't even allow her anywhere near my daughter, and I had a big fight with my STBX over inviting her mum over for our daughter's bday a few years back - without my consent. Over time she redeemed herself enough to be around my daughter, but I keep an eye on her.

Not only that, but she's a poisonous personality and many of my STBX's worst traits were obviously and admitedly inherited from her. My STBX goes on about how that was "then" and that I shouldn't fear her influence over my daughter but sorry, not taking that risk. Besides she's well-behaved most of the time and these circumstances force my MIL to go through either me or my STBX to discipline our child and that's the way I prefer it.

It's not like I tell her "go give grandma hell!", but to me at least, her grandmother has as much disciplinary rights as a mere family friend in my book. She wants to get her hands burnt by trying to tell my daughter off, she can, I'm not shedding tears. She's already informed it's OUR responsibility to discipline her, not hers. Regardless of tradition or inherited extended family 'rights' or whatever.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I don't care what your issues are with her.

You don't teach a child it's ok to talk back to adults.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

turnera said:


> It's not so much that, as it is that she will grow to not appreciate stuff, she may grow to _expect_ stuff, and to judge her worth and value by how much stuff people give her; in other words, become shallow. It starts early. Best to keep 'stuff' to a minimum and replace it with love, attention, teaching, fun...so she knows what's really valuable.


I agree. However, starting in middle school, having certain items, be it a phone, laptop, shoes, clothes etc. becomes such a status symbol. Girls will absolutely hammer other girls if they aren't wearing the latest fashion. Explaining that those other girls are so shallow really doesn't do much for the pain of being ridiculed and humiliated every day at school. 

So, you're torn between maintaining your daughters self-esteem and not spoiling her rotten like all the "it" girls. IMO, those "It" girls (as my daughter calls them) are being set up for a life of misery in that there will always be people who have more money than they do... whom they will be miserably jealous of. 

My baby girl graduates HS this Saturday. I hope things are better in college. Anybody know?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Teaching your daughter to EARN that phone or those shoes will go far more in her lifetime ability to live a happy life than just handing it to her. It's teaching her to ACCOMPLISH things that will make her the happiest person around. There are tons of studies on that.

When DD wanted something, we sat down and worked out a plan for how she could raise the money for it. In earlier school, she had a chore chart. I didn't force her to do the chores but if she wanted something, she would get points for every chore she did, and those points would get translated into money at the end of the week. In later school, she was encouraged to babysit or get a job. The only extravagance was her dad bought her a brand new car (so she wouldn't get stranded), but she had to work to pay toward the loan and insurance. 

hambone, college is absolutely better. DD22 just graduated last week. She was usually the only girl on campus who even wore a dress. Most people walk around in t-shirts and shorts or even pajama bottoms and slippers. They just don't care about stuff like that. The girls who do, get dismissed as shallow.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

turnera said:


> Teaching your daughter to EARN that phone or those shoes will go far more in her lifetime ability to live a happy life than just handing it to her. It's teaching her to ACCOMPLISH things that will make her the happiest person around. There are tons of studies on that.
> 
> When DD wanted something, we sat down and worked out a plan for how she could raise the money for it. In earlier school, she had a chore chart. I didn't force her to do the chores but if she wanted something, she would get points for every chore she did, and those points would get translated into money at the end of the week. In later school, she was encouraged to babysit or get a job. The only extravagance was her dad bought her a brand new car (so she wouldn't get stranded), but she had to work to pay toward the loan and insurance.
> 
> hambone, college is absolutely better. DD22 just graduated last week. She was usually the only girl on campus who even wore a dress. Most people walk around in t-shirts and shorts or even pajama bottoms and slippers. They just don't care about stuff like that. The girls who do, get dismissed as shallow.


I agree. Both my kids bought their own I-phones. How ever, they did it with funds they received for Christmas. To make them a little more cash poor (so that they had to make choices), I invested much of their money in stocks. My son bought KCS railroad at $7 and it's well over $100 now. 

I can afford to give my kids anything they want. But, that is not in their best interest long term.

I have tried to teach my kids... if you want more... work harder.. or wait until stuff is on sale... bottom line, be smart with your money and both understand the value of a dollar.

Both have jobs and earn their own spending money.

The one thing I did for DD was buy her a Mustang convertible from a friend who was divorcing. I just took up the notes. It's dark red... has "Go Hogs Go" on the rocker plate... a Razorback in the rear window, "Go Hogs" on the center tail light. That did wonders for her image. I keep telling her.. if she were a wall flower... the "it girls" wouldn't care. It's because she's cute, wonderful personality, and smart that they feel the need to tare her down. That said, sometimes she exaggerates her problems. Once she get's daddy fired up... it's all better. 

Glad to hear that college is better. One thing that didn't help is that her B-Day is Sept. 15. So, she won't turn 18 until college starts. She has always been the baby in her class.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

If you know what my MIL is like, you'd understand. I'm already lenient enough to have such a woman in the vicinity of my daughter out of the sake of extended family. Even my STBX knows her mum's flaws and agreed with me even if she's more accommodating towards her side of the family.

My daughter can be easily disarmed, especially by me. I also reward her good behaviour sure but I would not subject her to her grandmother's discipline or influence. If she acts up for no good reason I would discipline her, but I don't see the point in allowing grandma the initiative.

Not to mention some of the problems between my STBX and I were indeed escalated by MIL's influence. STBX admited it herself even if that can be seen as blame-shifting. Regardless, if I can't get rid of poison I at least would like it contained.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

turnera said:


> I don't care what your issues are with her.
> 
> You don't teach a child it's ok to talk back to adults.


This is a an example of what I was thinking of about doing what's right by your kids whether it's easy or not. It's not easy so Random isn't doing it. There will be plenty more tests along the way where justifying letting her do things harmful to herself character can happen.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I get that she's a *****. But children need to learn to deal respectfully with them, too. I hated lots of teachers and other adults. Many of them deserved my hate. But it still never gave me the right to go against my family's values and be rude to them or talk back to them. I don't care if THEY get upset or not. I care that your child is learning civility. But, your child, your choices. Just remember this conversation when she's about 13 and starts mouthing off to people cos she was allowed to when she was younger, and you can no longer control her like the olden days.


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## bellawhite (Jan 22, 2013)

A good dad is someone like you, who CARES about what makes a good dad, does that make sense? Lol someone who takes their time to hear peoples opinions, of what a good dad is! The fact that you are worried, shows you care, and want to be the best dad possible for your little girl! Take good care of yourself, happy daddy happy child!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

For me it meant this:

The ability to walk away from a horrible marriage with his mother. He did not need to grow up like that. He also needed to know that no person should tolerate abuse, such unhappiness, etc. 

Fighting to get him back after she ran half way across the country with him. Forsaking all else and dedicating myself to not give up until I had him back. Social life, my wants and desires were secondary to fathering him. 

Spending time with him when I got him back. This could be as simple as watching his shows with him, a pillow fight, a board game, etc when times were tough, all the way to traveling and vacations centered around things we could do together when things got better financially. 

Never baadmouthing his mother. I figured he'd get it figured out on his own as he aged. He did. 

Taking miles of her chit with a smile when he was there (and even when he wasn't), so he never saw us argue and so in time, her and I could put it all behind us and become a jointly functioning and supporting parental team. It took time. A lot of time. But it worked. 

Being his best friend. 

Knowing when it was time to stop being a friend and be the ruler of the house. We can be friends and buddies. I'll even listen to your arguments, if you have one and do so intelligently, but at some point, if I decide it must be done my way, I'm putting my foot down, and discussion is over. Period. 

Showing him how to conduct himself as a good man by example. 

Backing his mom up when he was there. Even when I hated her guts. 

Demanding he conduct himself with the same level of courtesy, respect, manners, and in all things while he was away from me as when he was with me. He could not pull crap up there just because mom was easier or less strict, and I was not around. If he did not do so, he was punished on my end just the same as if he'd done it in my home. 

Letting him know at all times I loved him, and when he deserved it, that I was proud of the young man he was growing up to be. 

It was a struggle. It was not ideal. But he has grown up into a fine man. Same cannot be said of his brother and sister whose father walked away from them. 

Stay involved. Be a parental team regardless of personal feelings of their mother. Talk to them, and do things with them. Make them earn your respect and show them when they have it. 

Do not spoil them to "make it up to them" or try to win some contest against your ex spouse. It will backfire and you'll both be seen as weak by your child. But do give them your attention and time. Your sincere attention. 

Do those things, and as (and when) they grow, they'll consider you the greatest father on earth. At least mine sure does.

I have a picture. A picture of my son's graduation day. With me, him, his mother, and his step father. All were happy and smiling. It took a lot of effort over a lot of years to get to that point. It was a proud moment for us all. Later that night, my ex said "you know, I have to say, you've been a fantastic father to our son. Thank you for that. I know I didn't make it easy on you". 

Shoot for that. 

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Perfect.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well then, can you suggest an alternative Turnera? It's more than just how I feel about my MIL, it's who she is as a person. As I mentioned before, she's like poison. For other adults I don't really care, I've made her out into a fool within her own family by being financially successful despite her judgements of me prior to me taking over my business.

Should I really tell my daughter off for resisting punishment that my MIL herself wasn't allowed to inflict? My daughter is obviously much more vulnerable to her grandmother's influence then anyone else. I want to protect my daughter from her while still maintaining the extended family connections she needs as a child.


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## anja (Mar 12, 2013)

Did not read all the responses. My first "dad" (bio) was nothing but a sperm donor and even though I was planned and wished for, he denied paternity even before I was born. 18 years and countless court orders later he stopped the measly CS before his time was up. Never a card, never a visit, nothing. Fast forward 30 years, I find him, he tells me stories over stories and promises to make up for list time. 2 years later, our first meeting, he stood me up. Never heard from him again. 
My second "dad" (step) treated me all my life as an outcast and repeatedly raped and beat my mother and beat one of my brothers. Had me fear for my life at some point. Drank away our grocery money. 
My guess is, you already ARE a good dad! Just by wondering how to be. Keep loving your daughter and try not to be her friend and you'll be fine!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Well then, can you suggest an alternative Turnera? Should I really tell my daughter off for resisting punishment that my MIL herself wasn't allowed to inflict? My daughter is obviously much more vulnerable to her grandmother's influence then anyone else. I want to protect my daughter from her while still maintaining the extended family connections she needs as a child.


Sure. You sit down with your daughter and you discuss the situation. During it if possible, or after. Have DD tell you what happened, how she felt, and what she did. Help her walk through alternative scenarios that would alleviate the situation. Help her see that her grandma has an issue and that not all people are happy, regular people and that, sometimes, you'll deal with someone who makes outrageous demands or says something to hurt your feelings. EMPOWER your DD to see those situations for what they are, do some role playing so she can see how to handle it in the future without going against her core values of honesty and integrity and respect. ARM her with knowledge and the confidence to do the right thing, even in the face of ugliness. 

For instance, if grandma tells her she stole a candy when she knows she didn't, and orders her to stand in the corner...explain to DD that grandma sometimes gets things wrong, but that it's not worth changing who DD is or being mean or ugly in response. Tell her to rise above it. Tell her to take the punishment - THIS time - and not engage in the issue. Tell her to then come home and tell you what happened, so the two of you can figure out a solution to keep it from happening again. 

This teaches DD not to react, not to be like her mom and grandma, to be smart, to solve problems, to have confidence in herself, and to see people like her grandma for who they are - messed up people. That, just because THEY are messed up, she doesn't have to lower herself to their level. 

That's exactly what I did with my DD - worked out ways to solve issues that let her keep her core values. Let her see people for who they are. And learn to not get bogged down in the small stuff.

THAT is being a good dad. JMHO


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It just worries me that you tell me that a child this young 'resists punishment.' That's not typical for someone so young. SOMEone displayed that behavior. And I worry it's coming from you. We know her mom and grandma are bad influences, but you should be the one good source of logic and good behavior. If she 'resists punishment' now just because she doesn't like what this adult is doing, just think what she's going to do when her 6th grade teacher tells her to give up her cell phone, or the bus driver tells her to sit down and stop talking.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, anything that happens in school or with her grandma comes back to me, she knows this. She answers to us, and has been a well-behaved child, hell the only problem at school she had was kissing boys and she hasn't since. She gets along well with other members of both extended families and people love her. Besides I don't believe half the sh-t my MIL says about my own daughter (nor my STBX) and my STBX just says "she's just old-fashioned" in regards to her mum's parenting attitude.

However, I do see your point, and might actually try it. No promises though, chances are she'll start accepting grandma's punishment and then come back crying to me and then I'll probably get pissed enough and then I'll have to discipline grandma, and that wouldn't be a pretty sight.

The problem then is that grandma will then gain the power to bend/twist/break her and my daughter will be at her mercy. She would also have won, and then my daughter may come to believe that grandma's behaviour is acceptable, which is not in my opinion - I don't like her parenting style. I also can't trust that my STBX can supervise the two of them adequately especially when we're seperated, she's accommodating to her own mum after all.

BTW, my STBX herself, she's a good mum. It's just HER MUM that I'm concerned about. I have no problems with the rest of her family.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> I'll probably get pissed enough and then I'll have to discipline grandma, and that wouldn't be a pretty sight.


 Gee, I wonder where your daughter gets it. 


RandomDude said:


> The problem then is that grandma will then gain the power to bend/twist/break her and my daughter will be at her mercy. She would also have won, and then my daughter may come to believe that grandma's behaviour is acceptable


Are you recording everything she does? The civilized way to handle such things (and I hope you expect your DD to grow up and be civilized) is to keep records of her actions and, if they get outrageous enough, bring the authorities in to determine whether she's fit to be around your daughter.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I've seen MIL's parenting style though chances are I've never seen the worst, I've talked to my daughter about it and she's actually quite scared of her. I don't believe everything my daughter comes up with either, but I have no way of knowing on a case to case basis. Unless I bug my old house and inlaw's house.

The way she complains about my daughter in front of her to me though, not acceptable. But it's impossible to get a word in with MIL, she talks fast BS evading and ignoring everything you say. Yet we all have to put up with that as she's family. Yes, our system isn't perfect, but the alternative, I don't know. 

As for the authorities they are useless and always have been except for extreme cases. As for her stubborn side, of course she gets it from me - I'm the only one in both extended families that stands up to her BS, FIL is a doormat and my STBX also surrenders from time to time even if it's in the case of 'in one ear and out the other'

I don't want my daughter to surrender like her mum, yes she has a smart mouth (my fault), but easily disarmed as she knows the core values - and MIL in this case needs to learn that she can't bully people into submission, and DEFINITELY not my daughter.

Bah... but nevermind that. I'll try it... see how it plays out. I just hope this experiment would be worth it


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If it doesn't work out, THEN tell her to stand up to her. But I worry about you telling a young child to stand up to a crazy grownup - on her own. Around you, so you can protect her, great. By herself, THAT could be more harmful than just learning to bite her tongue around this one person.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> This is a an example of what I was thinking of about doing what's right by your kids whether it's easy or not. It's not easy so Random isn't doing it. There will be plenty more tests along the way where justifying letting her do things harmful to herself character can happen.


Hold on just a second.

While I teach my children to respect adults... I don't want them to believe that respect means doing what ever an adult tells them to do.

For example, if someone told my daughter to inappropriate things.. of a sexual nature... I want her to have whatever it takes to tell them no.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

MIL's weapon is her mouth, I doubt she'll do anything stupid physically. If my daughter's at risk I wouldn't be allowing her within 100 meters of my daughter - as was the case before STBX invited her over to daughter's bday party saying that "she's changed"

Sure she wanted my daughter aborted, but now that she's alive I doubt she'll try anything. STBX says "she's just old-fashioned", I say, she's just someone who should be locked up to contain her poisonous bitter nonsense. *sigh* Why can't she just... disappear from our lives


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Good to know. You made it sound like she was crazy hangers lady. 

meh. My aunt washed my mouth with soap. Still remember it. Didn't harm me. In fact, I respected her for it. Hated her at the time...


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> This is a an example of what I was thinking of about doing what's right by your kids whether it's easy or not. It's not easy so Random isn't doing it. There will be plenty more tests along the way where justifying letting her do things harmful to herself character can happen.





hambone said:


> Hold on just a second.
> 
> While I teach my children to respect adults... I don't want them to believe that respect means doing what ever an adult tells them to do.
> 
> For example, if someone told my daughter to inappropriate things.. of a sexual nature... I want her to have whatever it takes to tell them no.


Obviously I wasn't suggesting that. I don't think Random is talking about her grandmother doing being sexually inappropriate. I think he genuinely hates her and therefore would revel in his daughter disrespecting her even though it really would hurt his daughter as well. That's the only point I was making along with tunera.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> MIL's weapon is her mouth, I doubt she'll do anything stupid physically. If my daughter's at risk I wouldn't be allowing her within 100 meters of my daughter - as was the case before STBX invited her over to daughter's bday party saying that "she's changed"
> 
> Sure she wanted my daughter aborted, but now that she's alive I doubt she'll try anything. STBX says "she's just old-fashioned", I say, she's just someone who should be locked up to contain her poisonous bitter nonsense. *sigh* Why can't she just... disappear from our lives


I suspect she's only around her on your ex's time and not yours. Nothing wrong with that.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> Obviously I wasn't suggesting that. I don't think Random is talking about her grandmother doing being sexually inappropriate. I think he genuinely hates her and therefore would revel in his daughter disrespecting her even though it really would hurt his daughter as well. That's the only point I was making along with tunera.


I know he wasn't. But, if you teach a child blind respect for all adults and never... ever to disobey...

How is the child going to know the difference?

After all, adult relatives are more likely to abuse your child than anyone.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He'll know by you talking to him about everything that goes on in his life and, when you run across such an instance, you stop and discuss it, and help him see that such an instance may require a different response. And then you role play so they can see a solution for it, so he doesn't feel powerless and hopeless. For the REST of the people, he's already set.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, I haven't brought it up yet, I'll wait for the right time. Sending her off tomorrow, easier nowadays... still think of having a proper family for her though, still think of her mother and the fun times we had as a family and so does she. We both miss it

Both parts happy and depressed over this seperation, just wish things could be different


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