# How do you move on?



## squeeky

I know my husband wouldn't be looking for comfort in another women if I had my act together. Over the last 20 years I've let myself go. Gained some weight and not as particular about the house like I used to be. Husband retired and our life turned upside down. He searched out her old flame and now left to see her. Said it didn't matter what happens to our relationship he had to see her. 
I know I need to get my life together but its hard? How do you do it. just getting out of bed is a chore let alone dealing with the house, my child and life?


----------



## lamaga

The first thing you need to do is see your doctor. You sound clinically depressed to me. You'd be amazed what the right meds can do for that.

You have to take of yourself now -- no one else will.


----------



## squeeky

Yes I have seen my doctor and have been placed on some medication. I am trying to get it together for my daughter. Its amazing how I have let someone else control my emotions. I need to find me again.


----------



## lamaga

Very typical for us women -- we're socialized that way, but now you have a chance to create the life that YOU want. It's a painful time, no doubt about it, but it can also be a time of hope and growth for you. I wish you well.


----------



## oona

My family are not religious but I found it helpful to believe in an afterlife first and that death is a part of life....... I still have some bad days but ........
life goes on and it will be beautiful again.

Two things - love yourself and no guilt!

Find a way to listen to and express your true feelings and thoughts safely - all of them - even the bad ones. Letters to yourself, lists, chat sites, friends, clubs etc = loving yourself and allowing yourself to exist. See how great you are - all of you!

And....

Are you feeling guilt for not being 'in love' with your husband (ie not expressing your true self/ showing how wonderful you are at all times) and believing thus that you caused his affair?

STOP!

He is - like you responsible for his own actions. If he had any respect/love for himself and had loved you he would have found an effective way to communicate to you his needs and wouldn't have stopped until he had done so - WITHOUT hurting you.

I am sorry for his and your loss. You both had the illusion of love.

Now you have the opportunity to truely find AND EXPRESS YOURSELF and someone WILL find you that will love you - no matter what size you are or how you look or who is in town.

Good luck.


----------



## relationshipsguide_gal

Hi squeeky, most people undergo the same situation. But don't give up dear. Try to always look at the bright side of everything. I'm glad you're taking meds now. I'm sure it helps a lot. Maybe you should start loving yourself again, you know. Sometimes you have to do things for yourself, not for others. If you're happy, everything else follows. Everything turns for the better - family, home, relationship, etc.. Besides, nobody else could love you best than your self (and God of course, if you believe in God)  All the best, mae (relationshipsguide_gal)


----------



## TheCrunch

I hope you will be able to forgive yourself for any mistakes you perceive you may have made in the past. I agree with RG above that you need to make a conscious effort to look for the bright side of life. Easier said than done, but you could start by looking into positive thinking to start changing your general outlook.


----------



## althea0212

Sometimes it's not enough that you rely on your medications. It may help if you get into counseling or be in a support group. Love yourself first and think of things that you can do to make you happy and fulfilled. Talk to people you trust who can be with you at this low moment of your life. Your daughter needs you and she should be your greatest motivator.


----------



## tug

lamaga said:


> The first thing you need to do is see your doctor. You sound clinically depressed to me. You'd be amazed what the right meds can do for that.
> 
> You have to take of yourself now -- no one else will.


After my first wife of 13 years told me she was homesick and left me to be with her family 1100 miles away I was devastated. We had problems like any other couple but never realized she was so unhappy, when she left me it about killed me. I saw a Dr and he put me on an antidepressant which helped immensely but there were still those times that I would sit in my empty apartment and cry for hours. After 2 long years and Gawed only knows how many therapy sessions I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Little did I know her leaving taught me how to be a better person. Not only was she happy I was happy as well. 

I was reading an article about how to get back at the person who left you and its not what you think. You get back at them by taking better care of yourself, becoming the person that made them fall in love with you in the first place. Let that person see they made a mistake by leaving you let them see what their missing


----------



## clipclop2

The problem with that is it can also lead to resentment because you didn't care enough to do it while you were married to them. 

And what if they don't give you the reaction you wanted? You would really feel low, then. Can't be "good enough" no matter how hard you try.

For me, I got really fit during my "exit plan" period and it helped build my confidence to face the challenges I knew were ahead. Problem was that post-challenge, I stopped. For years. I didn't want it, but oh did I complain about my flab. (not enough muscle on a small, light body. I look good to some but not in a bikini.). That was my recent tipping point. Trying on new bathing suits. Yuck!

My h will benefit as I continue to workout. But that is just a bonus. I really want to have good physical health in part because it promotes good mental health.

If you are ready to make a change, you will do it and reap the benefits. It will help you look forward instead of back. 

Sometimes things just click. You say "enough suffering" and you are inspired. 

Where is your tipping point? I guess it is like an AA bottom.

When will you allow yourself to embrace the future and engage in life without whatshis/hername? Hey, maybe they *weren't* worth doing it for in the first place! But you sure as heck are worth it now! 

My ex- says "good living and right thinking" are the keys to life. Obviously harder to do than say since he is my ex-! That doesn't make that philosophy wrong. Just tough to do consistently.

I hope you all get sick of yourself real soon and find the cool person inside who you've been holding back all these years. They have been patiently waiting for you to recognize their goodness and strength. They love you though you might not know it yet. When you get to know them, you will see I'm not lying. That person will guide you forward and you will be ready for the trip. You will never be totally alone again. ;-)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## clipclop2

A thought just occurred to me. That person locked inside is a part of God.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tug

clipclop2 said:


> The problem with that is it can also lead to resentment because you didn't care enough to do it while you were married to them.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I can only speak for myself but when I workout, stay on my diet I get attention for women that would have never given me a second look had I not taken better care of myself. I know one day in the not so distant future Im going to go back to the gym and become that same person that my ex fell in love with. When I see her at the gym (and I will see her) Im going to treat her as though she never existed. 

When I go to the gym all my problems are left at the door. For those 2 hours Im in a world that takes all the emotional pain away and makes me feel better than any drug ever has made me feel. For those 2 hours Im me again, not the crying pathetic person I've been for the past 6 months due to someone else's selfishness and lack of concern for my feelings or needs.


----------

