# Newlywed here whose husband is threatening annulment



## newlywednewlydread (Aug 21, 2015)

Hi all. I'm new. 

I got married 2 weeks ago and it was bliss at first. Now, 2 weeks in, my husband is threatening to annul our marriage. Each time he's been wasted. It started the other night when I had a headache because I stayed up too late and then went to work all day. I was tired. I told him I was going to go to bed. He good naturedly teased me at first. Then we bbqed at our complex pool. We came back up and he slammed our front door to annoy the downstairs neighbor he hates. I told him ow, my head hurt and you could've hit the dog like that. He turned on some music on his phone to further annoy the downstairs neighbor and I said I had a headache, could he turn it down. This is where **** flipped. He said it's not his fault that I had a headache and he won't turn it down and if I'm mad, then maybe I made a mistake marrying him and that he could always annul the marriage. (He doesn't know that per state law, he can't do this unless we were bro/sis, fraud, etc...) We fought, I cried, went to bed alone. I don't think he entirely remembered it the next day.

I came home from work, maturely didn't bring it up and was nice. Things were good. We had dinner, I had a glass of wine, he had a couple of vodkas and when the roomie went on a walk, I addressed our issue. He got upset, said he does everything around here (cooking and cleaning) and that I treat him like an *******. Um, no. In fact, I always say thank you for cooking, I just bought him a nice gift he wanted, and have always been nothing but supportive of him. I made us a reservation for date night and even got us a maid since I'm exhausted after working 9 hours and don't usually get to cleaning. So I said no way, we fought, and again he threatened to annul our marriage. Then he called one of my bridesmaids and good friend and told her we're through, that he'll be fine and I'll need support. Then he told her that he thinks I have a problem. My bridesmaid said he sounded super ****ed up. And he passed out.

Today he has not acknowledged anything he said last night. True to his pattern of behavior, I fully expect that he'll ignore it unless I bring it up and he'll get defensive. (When he gets defensive about something he's done wrong, his go to phrase is oh so you must think I'm the ******* which evolves into him saying you treat me like an *******.) I did leave him a voicemail that I made a reservation at a fancy restaurant we have gift cards to and the time. I don't think he remembers his call with my friend last night. I'm not sure he remembers yelling at me and threatening to annul our marriage. He does not know she told me everything he said. My hope is to relax, move past difficulties in a positive manner by saying you know, I sure do appreciate all that you do. I know we're under stress with work and stuff, so let's just try to work on taking more time to ourselves more. If he goes into rehashing the argument, I will use this positive tactic to try and calm him down. But I do think that we do need to stop the drinking. I think this is going to be our major problem here because he gets wasted a lot more frequently now. Did he before? Not really. He drank, but just not to this degree. But he broke his arm and it's not healing so well with his physical job. So now, he's drinking to ease the pain. Oh and taking pills. I think this is where it's all coming from. Because previously, he was so sweet and loving. Just not the past couple of nights. 

I'm trying to keep it all in perspective here. And I know he's just threatening as a manipulation. He really wouldn't leave for many reasons, but chief among them, he'd have nowhere to go, doesn't make much money (I'm the breadwinner here,) has no savings of his own, and would have to explain to his family what happened (which I know would humiliate him.) 

Thoughts on how I should handle this? Feedback on whether I'm doing this all wrong? Something? Bueller?


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

You married a child.

Take him up on his offer.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Drinking and pills? Sounds like this man has a substance abuse problem.


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## newlywednewlydread (Aug 21, 2015)

He's had substance abuse issues in the past. And now he claims he's fine. But whenever I suggest we (instead of just saying he) slow our roll and dry out for a week, he flips out. He's accused me of hiding his pills, of taking them myself, and that I have the problem. He used to give me pills of his to put in my purse in case he needed them for his broken arm. But last night he told me he took them all back because he's sure I'll take them. 

I'm trying very hard to be the good wife here but I'm feeling a little like Idk what to do.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

newlywednewlydread said:


> He's had substance abuse issues in the past. And now he claims he's fine. But whenever I suggest we (instead of just saying he) slow our roll and dry out for a week, he flips out. He's accused me of hiding his pills, of taking them myself, and that I have the problem. He used to give me pills of his to put in my purse in case he needed them for his broken arm. But last night he told me he took them all back because he's sure I'll take them.
> 
> I'm trying very hard to be the good wife here but I'm feeling a little like Idk what to do.


I assume he's getting the pills illegally? Do you take pills as well?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Threatening? Cheer him on! He sounds like a winner... not.


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## newlywednewlydread (Aug 21, 2015)

No when he broke his arm he got prescribed them by a doctor. No I don't take anything. I like a couple of glasses of wine. That's all.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

newlywednewlydread said:


> No when he broke his arm he got prescribed them by a doctor. No I don't take anything. I like a couple of glasses of wine. That's all.


Well, if he's that protective of his pills, it sounds like at the very least he's not taking them as prescribed. 

What was he like before the wedding? How long did you date? What's the deal with the roommate?


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## newlywednewlydread (Aug 21, 2015)

The roommate is his bff who fell on hard times, so I agreed to let him move into our spare room for a couple of months. He's due to leave next week. 

Prior to the wedding, he just got sweeter and sweeter and I felt like we truly were on the same page. We had stressed out fights about stupid stuff sometimes, but nothing that didn't blow over a day later. This current fight started on Wednesday evening. I think he's just reacting immaturely and I don't think he's going anywhere or going to do anything. But I would like to start our marriage off right without this kind of stress and fighting.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

From the way you describe it he is basically abusive when he drinks. It sounds like he either is an alcoholic or is on track to become one. The solution is to stop the drinking and the pill popping and see if that helps you two get along better. I think it will get a lot worse if you (he really) doesn't stop.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

newlywednewlydread said:


> He's had substance abuse issues in the past. And now he claims he's fine. But whenever I suggest we (instead of just saying he) slow our roll and dry out for a week, he flips out. He's accused me of hiding his pills, of taking them myself, and that I have the problem. He used to give me pills of his to put in my purse in case he needed them for his broken arm. But last night he told me he took them all back because he's sure I'll take them.
> 
> I'm trying very hard to be the good wife here but I'm feeling a little like Idk what to do.



I would say your H has an addiction issue. Pills and alcohol. He is not fine. He is having a hard time hiding it. You become the target when the need for his pills arises. You are his obstacle to his pills. He needs to come to grips that he has a problem and you are not that problem. His addiction is the problem. He needs professional help. 

And, when your H drops the annulment crap on you lap...accept it and see if his tune changes.


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## newlywednewlydread (Aug 21, 2015)

That's my thought, too. I keep trying to gently suggest we stop drinking for a bit. He's suggested it a couple of times after he felt especially boozy. He's just never had a night off. It concerns me a lot.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

newlywednewlydread said:


> That's my thought, too. I keep trying to gently suggest we stop drinking for a bit. He's suggested it a couple of times after he felt especially boozy. He's just never had a night off. It concerns me a lot.


There is no gently about it. He gets off the booze or your gone. No one enjoys living with a alcoholic. At least other alcoholics might but I have not see any great marriages in my time when a alcoholic is in the picture.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

Next time he says he wants an annulment, say 'ok' pack a bag and never look back. He is a man-child who pops pills and gets wasted and is nasty when drunk. Is that who you want for a life partner? To be the father of your potential children?

You can do a lot better.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

newlywednewlydread said:


> That's my thought, too. I keep trying to gently suggest we stop drinking for a bit. He's suggested it a couple of times after he felt especially boozy. He's just never had a night off. It concerns me a lot.


Sounds like you know what needs to happen (stopping drinking). This is no way to start a marriage .


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## newlywednewlydread (Aug 21, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> And, when your H drops the annulment crap on you lap...accept it and see if his tune changes.


Last night I finally snapped back and said fine. Go for it. Leave and see what happens. That's when he called up my bridesmaid and told her that we were done and promptly passed out. 

I know he's not going anywhere. I know his pattern is to try and manipulate the situation. What he probably wanted was for me to beg him to stay. I'm trying to be mature here, but I really just want to tell him to stop his ****ing whining and grow up. I don't whine that I pay all the bills. My instinct is that he is trying to figure out his place in our relationship now that we're married. I think it's confusing for him and that in the middle of that, he's also in pain and has lost grip on the booze and pills. I think that I'm an easy target for his frustration right now.


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## Sure that could work (Jun 9, 2015)

He seems to be emotionally abusive, paranoid, selfish, and angers quickly. The accusing you of perhaps doing what he does with the pills so he needs to take them back is probably the beginning of trust and transference issues. It's a way to take the spotlight off of him and put it on you. If he is really good he will make you believe that you are the one with the problem, not him. 

This is awful, you should still be in the honeymoon stage at 2 weeks into the marriage. If he gets angry walk away. State your wishes, demands, whatever and when he gets angry just walk away. If he follows you yelling at you keep walking right out the door. You cannot make him stop taking pills, you cannot make him treat you nice, you cannot make him do anything he doesn't want to do. But you can change the way you respond to him. Don't buy into the drama, don't get caught up with the blame game, do not make any ultimatums that you cannot or will not abide by. Don't threaten something and not carry through with it. 

Just curious but why is a newlywed couple living with a roommate?


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## newlywednewlydread (Aug 21, 2015)

Sure said:


> Just curious but why is a newlywed couple living with a roommate?


His friend lost his job and his place to stay, so I agreed to let him stay in our spare room for 2 months. He has since gotten a new job and is due to move out next week.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Constable Odo said:


> You married a child.
> 
> Take him up on his offer.


I second the sentiments!


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## newlywednewlydread (Aug 21, 2015)

Sure said:


> This is awful, you should still be in the honeymoon stage at 2 weeks into the marriage.


We haven't even gone on our honeymoon yet. I just started a new job, there was stress we had about family who is ill, etc... I want the man I married back, the guy who on the morning of the wedding told me he didn't want me to spend the day away from him getting ready with the girls because he'd miss me too much. That's who I want back. And right now, I have a guy who is completely opposite.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

newlywednewlydread said:


> His friend lost his job and his place to stay, so I agreed to let him stay in our spare room for 2 months. He has since gotten a new job and is due to move out next week.


What kind of an influence is he on your husband?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Let me tell you a true story....

A friend of mine married a very nice girl. Always cheery and wonderful. The marriage was scheduled and went off without a hitch. The honeymoon was set for Aruba. Two weeks in wedded bliss!!! NOT. After one week in Aruba the nice young lady he married turned on him. Became aggressive and verbally abusive. This went on for the remainder of honeymoon. My buddy could not figure it out. Come to find his wife of two weeks is a cocaine addict. She hoped that she could make it through the honeymoon on an island without cocaine. My buddy never knew she has this addiction!!! The withdrawals were shocking. She hid it so well. Needless to say cocaine continued to run her life. The marriage was dissolved. 

I would say your H has done the same to you. He has hid who he really is.


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## newlywednewlydread (Aug 21, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> What kind of an influence is he on your husband?


Generally, he's the voice of reason. But when we fight, he walks away because he knows it's not his place to intervene. 

I can't pick and choose when I'd like him to intervene in our affairs, to be honest.


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## HappyAfter10 (Aug 18, 2015)

The first think I took notice of was that he was deliberately trying to annoy the neighbor. I think this is pretty childish and sort of tormenting behavior. It seems he has no bones about applying the same sort of tactics on you. I wonder where this is coming from.

I'm sorry, but from your posts I don't see any redeeming qualities. If you want to stay married to him (and not be a doormat) it sounds like you've got your work cut out for you. Stay Strong!


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## newlywednewlydread (Aug 21, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> Let me tell you a true story....
> 
> A friend of mine married a very nice girl. Always cheery and wonderful. The marriage was scheduled and went off without a hitch. The honeymoon was set for Aruba. Two weeks in wedded bliss!!! NOT. After one week in Aruba the nice young lady he married turned on him. Became aggressive and verbally abusive. This went on for the remainder of honeymoon. My buddy could not figure it out. Come to find his wife of two weeks is a cocaine addict. She hoped that she could make it through the honeymoon on an island without cocaine. My buddy never knew she has this addiction!!! The withdrawals were shocking. She hid it so well. Needless to say cocaine continued to run her life. The marriage was dissolved.
> 
> I would say your H has done the same to you. He has hid who he really is.


This actually puts things in perspective. He did mention last night that he was out of medication. And it does explain why he's drinking more. Hmmm. I'm wondering if he'll come through it and be himself again?


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## newlywednewlydread (Aug 21, 2015)

HappyAfter10 said:


> The first think I took notice of was that he was deliberately trying to annoy the neighbor. I think this is pretty childish and sort of tormenting behavior. It seems he has no bones about applying the same sort of tactics on you. I wonder where this is coming from.
> 
> I'm sorry, but from your posts I don't see any redeeming qualities. If you want to stay married to him (and not be a doormat) it sounds like you've got your work cut out for you. Stay Strong!


There's actually a long story behind that. The neighbor and we used to be close until she stole his pain medication after he broke his arm. So he had to go back out and see another doctor. Now the two hate one another. 

She slams the doors downstairs all the time. And she tells our other neighbors terrible made up lies about my husband. She's a piece of work for sure. 

When he's not flipped out like he was these past 2 nights, he can be incredibly thoughtful and kind. He was really there for me through my narcissistic mother's bull****. He is my biggest cheerleader at work. When I lost my last job, he was really there for me. He is very emotionally available and loving when we don't have some stupid petty fight. He cooks, he offers me massages, surprises me with concert tickets... He's actually a really fun guy. But these past 2 nights he hasn't been that guy.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

newlywednewlydread said:


> This actually puts things in perspective. He did mention last night that he was out of medication. And it does explain why he's drinking more. Hmmm. I'm wondering if he'll come through it and be himself again?


Depends on what pills he is taking. If it is a prescription narcotic then getting off them takes some time and sometimes professional help.

And that old saying...admitting you have a problem is your first step.


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## newlywednewlydread (Aug 21, 2015)

I think it's norcos. He hurt himself last year too and took them and weaned off of them pretty quickly, but boy was he irritable. Right now, I go back and forth between thinking he's taking them and exacerbating the drinking and maybe not taking them. But I honestly thought he was on them Wednesday night because of his eyes and he was so drunk he was wobbly.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

newlywednewlydread said:


> Generally, he's the voice of reason. But when we fight, he walks away because he knows it's not his place to intervene.
> 
> *I can't pick and choose when I'd like him to intervene in our affairs, to be honest.*


lol of course not. I was wondering if he's aiding your husband in his obvious drug habit.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

newlywednewlydread said:


> I think it's norcos. He hurt himself last year too and took them and weaned off of them pretty quickly, but boy was he irritable. Right now, I go back and forth between thinking he's taking them and exacerbating the drinking and maybe not taking them. But I honestly thought he was on them Wednesday night because of his eyes and he was so drunk he was wobbly.


I think you need to consider he's taking more than just the pain pills prescribed by his dr, or getting more illegally.

Did you live together before the wedding?


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## newlywednewlydread (Aug 21, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> lol of course not. I was wondering if he's aiding your husband in his obvious drug habit.


Oh ok. No, the guy's a pothead. He has been encouraging him not to drink, or he used to. Now I think he's hoping to get the hell out of the house and not have to listen to this **** anymore.


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## Sure that could work (Jun 9, 2015)

newlywednewlydread said:


> Oh ok. No, the guy's a pothead. He has been encouraging him not to drink, or he used to. Now I think he's hoping to get the hell out of the house and not have to listen to this **** anymore.


How about you? What exactly are you hoping for? And how long are you willing to work for whatever it is you want? If you just want what you had before the last fight, tell him that. Explain how he makes you feel in simple words with no blame attached. See what happens, if he gets angry and has no explanation of his recent behavior I would wonder if this is the new normal.


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## newlywednewlydread (Aug 21, 2015)

Well, he just called me at work and we had a discussion that was very positive. 

He wants to see a counselor so we can learn how to communicate better and to fight healthy. His point is he feels unappreciated and that I don't listen to his feelings. He says that's why he said the whole annulment thing. (My gut instinct is that he was too hammered to remember what started it so he plucked something out of the air.) I acknowledged that it seems he's got grievances and I would like to find a way to make him feel respected and valued. That made him quiet. 

I also told him, though, that I too wanted to feel valued and respected. He tried to jump in and say how I'm wrong but I told him that just like he wanted to be able to express himself, so did I. I told him we can work it out with a counselor and figure it out. That made him feel better. He did mention he thinks the counselor will help me see what I'm doing wrong. I didn't react to that statement, but I think he'll find out we both have things we can work on to make the situation better. 

He also told me that he hates when I point out he's wasted and that by asking him about his taking pills I make things worse because it's an old issue and no longer relevant. 

Essentially I want to work things out with him and have that same sweet guy back. But I think he popped off like a spoiled brat and when I called his bluff, didn't know how to back out of it. 

So it looks like now we've hashed out some of it and he feels better about my accepting my share of the blame for fighting, he's going to relax and we can have a nice dinner.

But I do think there needs to be something more than just counseling. I do think we need to stop the booze. Thoughts on how I can pitch that? Or should I let the counselor suggest it?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

newlywednewlydread said:


> Well, he just called me at work and we had a discussion that was very positive.
> 
> He wants to see a counselor so we can learn how to communicate better and to fight healthy. His point is he feels unappreciated and that I don't listen to his feelings. He says that's why he said the whole annulment thing. (My gut instinct is that he was too hammered to remember what started it so he plucked something out of the air.) I acknowledged that it seems he's got grievances and I would like to find a way to make him feel respected and valued. That made him quiet.
> 
> ...


lol, I think that was wise. You obviously know how to mentally handle this man.

I would let the substance abuse stuff come out in counseling. He's not going to listen to you. I also suggest you try to find a strong male counselor.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Just read your own posts. Girl, you married a loser get rid of him. The best thing that could happen to you is he makes good on his threats to leave, but you should beat him to it. There is nothing else to say.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

Wasted on a Wednesday? I didn't realize adults did this...


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

What state are you from OP.
Private message me if you want to keep your anon.

I'm pretty sure he can't just annul your marriage.


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## helenbean (Aug 13, 2015)

You have been married two weeks and are having these kinds of problems? You should be on cloud 9 in total bliss. It is only going to get worse. I would see about that annulment. He sounds very immature trying to escalate things with the neighbor he doesn't like. Sounds like that is his mo retaliation.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

You are married to an alcoholic and a drug addict. You need to attend an Al-Anon meeting to grasp what you are truly dealing with. Addicts cannot "use" in moderation.

Time to look into that annulment for fraud. He duped you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Counselling is a pointless exercise while married to a junkie who's using. He's an alcoholic and a drug addict. He needs rehab and to never touch drugs or alcohol again. EVER. There is NO such thing as a former junkie, only a junkie who isn't currently using. 

If I were in your shoes my husband wouldn't have to threaten me with annulment, I'd be the one organising it.


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

helenbean said:


> You have been married two weeks and are having these kinds of problems? You should be on cloud 9 in total bliss. It is only going to get worse. I would see about that annulment. He sounds very immature trying to escalate things with the neighbor he doesn't like. Sounds like that is his mo retaliation.



You actually might be able to get an annulment if your H hid his drug and alcohol addiction prior to the marriage.

Besides the MC, your H seriously needs IC. I don't think he will go, however. He is expecting MC to "fix" you. That attitude is indicative of abusive people.

Speak to a divorce attorney, preferably one who deals with annulments. You need to find out, from an expert, your rights and responsibilities in your particular state.

Personally, I think you need to get out now. Triple up on the birth control. You don't want to end up pregnant and attached to him for at least the next 18 years. Lord knows what kind of effect he would have on a child. Would you really want to inflict this on a child of yours?

Don't allow this to go on too long, otherwise you will end up paying this loser alimony because of his "illness."

IamSomebody


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

newlywednewlydread said:


> That's my thought, too. I keep trying to gently suggest we stop drinking for a bit. He's suggested it a couple of times after he felt especially boozy. He's just never had a night off. It concerns me a lot.



This is going to suck, but you need to hear it. There is nothing you can do to make him quit drinking. And gently telling an addict is never going to get you anywhere. 

Was he like this before you were married? 

In any case, the only thing that will make a difference is letting him know that if does not quit drinking and does not get help then the marriage is over. And when he refuses to quit drinking and pill popping (because he will) then you start ending the marriage. Ask him to leave, if it's your name on the lease. If it's his then you leave. This is the easiest time to end a marriage. 

If he then quits drinking and starts getting help you can put the divorce on hold. But keep yourself protected until you are 100% confident that he's not going to go back. 

If he doesn't quit drinking, then you know that he is never going to quit. At least not for you. Finish the divorce, grieve, and probably get some counseling. And then move on with your life.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Somewhat different track, but illustrative

I don't they he knows what he is talking about when he uses the term annulment. I do not know the civil reasons allow, but in the catholic religion it is only granted if there was a hidden defect that rendered one person unable to function in a healthy marriage. It does not mean the marriage ever existed, rather one party was not able to live up to their vows at the time of the wedding.

From your info you would qualify for an annulment, not him. His only option is divorce. So why is he using the wrong term. Tot bully you. If that doesn't work his nest step is to threaten divorce. He doesn't want to change. Separation is your only choice. Be clear this not the first step to divorce, but his last chance to change and keep his marriage. Tell him even though you are different homes you will do MC, if he need a ride to AA or NA call you. Talk on the phone yes, but enable no. This is his battle to fight you can only cheer him on.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

I don't know any judge that would grant an annulment if children of the marriage are involved. So echo @IamSomebody.

Most states will not recognize length of marriage in granting annulments.

Hidden domestic assault priors?

Lied about age, mental illness, or physical ability to consummate the marriage?

Are you related 2nd or 3rd cousins?

Was one of you under the age of 18 when you were married?

*Have you lived apart throughout the length of the marriage?* _don't back out of your lease just yet!_

*Was one of you under the influence of drugs or alcohol at the time of marriage?*

*Depending on your filing state, was one of you previously married within the last 6 months?*

Did you get married under threat or duress?

If you can't answer yes to any of these questions, an annulment is highly unlikely.

*Some states will make you wait a period of time after a divorce to apply for a marriage license. My home state won't issue a license within 6 months of a divorce judgment. So couples will apply for a license in another state (usually Nevada) to avoid waiting the 6 months.
Ever since the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), every state must recognize all marriages regardless of what state granted the license. However to protect the marriage laws, they will grant annulments if the marriage wouldn't have been recognized, but for DOMA.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

How long ago did he break his arm? Did he have surgery? Why would he still be on strong narcotics for a broken arm? I didn't think that was typical to remain on strong pain medications for weeks after a break or surgery. If it still is so painful, shouldn't something be done to reset it or something. Also, I thought you were to never mix alcohol and pain meds? That is a huge issue! Finally, are you sure the neighbor stole his pain meds? Wasn't he trying to say you were also taking his meds too?


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Abc123wife said:


> Finally, are you sure the neighbor stole his pain meds? Wasn't he trying to say you were also taking his meds too?


Call it 'carpet surfing,' paranoid delusions, typical addict stuff.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)




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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long did you date him before you married him?

How old are the two of you?

The person you knew to be your husband before you married him does not exist. It was a front that he was putting on. What you see now in him is who he really is. You can see why he pretended to be different to get you to marry him.

You cannot fix this. You cannot fix him. The only think you can do is either stay or leave.

If you stay, it will get worse.. until you are a shell of yourself.

If you leave, you will be more than ok. You can learn from this and move on.

He's accusing the neighbor of stealing his drugs? Has she admitted it? Or did he just take them all and run out? My bet is that he just ran out.

Sorry, but I've dealt with too many drug abusers to think that this is just about his broken arm. 

You are making excuses for him. He's angry and the neighbor, so he's slamming doors, playing music loudly.. and you make excuses. This is the behavior of a 10 year old, not a grown man.

You think that the problem is that he feels like he does not know his place in your marriage yet. What? How long did you date that he does not know his place in the relationship? Why do you need to make it easy for him to find his place? A man knows his place. Do you need to find your place? This is just another excuse that you are making for him.

Look, I get it. You want your marriage to work. You married with every internet to stay married. But he fooled you.

Do you know what the difference is between a person who is the victim in an abusive relationship and someone hwo is not in an abusive relationship?

The person who IS NOT in an abusive relationship ended the relationship the first time they saw their partner display abusive behavior.

The person who is in an abusive relationship stayed and made excuses for their abuser. They have no boundaries. They just put up with the abuse. They feel sorry for their abuser thinking that they can fix them. This is you. 

Forget the MC. Its' not going to work. He's already told you that his plan is to convince the counselor that you have a problem. One thing about abusers is that they are very good at playing a game with counselors and making themselves look like the good guy.. and you look like the crazy one.

You need to get into counseling and find out why you are not running as fast as you can from this guy.

I suggest that you get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and get his outbursts recorded. Then when he tries to lie to the MC, or anyone else, you will have proof that he's lying.

Note that you thought that he did not remember his outburst about an annulment, but then later he told you why you said that. He knows exactly what he's doing.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

newlywednewlydread said:


> *We haven't even gone on our honeymoon yet.* I just started a new job, there was stress we had about family who is ill, etc... *I want the man I married back*, the guy who on the morning of the wedding told me he didn't want me to spend the day away from him getting ready with the girls because he'd miss me too much. *That's who I want back. And right now, I have a guy who is completely opposite.*





Yeswecan said:


> Let me tell you a true story....
> 
> A friend of mine married a very nice girl. Always cheery and wonderful. The marriage was scheduled and went off without a hitch. The honeymoon was set for Aruba. Two weeks in wedded bliss!!! NOT. After one week in Aruba the nice young lady he married turned on him. Became aggressive and verbally abusive. This went on for the remainder of honeymoon. My buddy could not figure it out. Come to find his wife of two weeks is a cocaine addict. She hoped that she could make it through the honeymoon on an island without cocaine. My buddy never knew she has this addiction!!! The withdrawals were shocking. She hid it so well. Needless to say cocaine continued to run her life. The marriage was dissolved.
> 
> *I would say your H has done the same to you. He has hid who he really is.*



As i read your post , my eyes widened in horror . 

My ex hid who he is , and I spent 20 years trying to make things work . Similar to my ex , the shouting and yelling is just to make you back off and play family the way he wants it . he sees in you a provider , and is shameless in using you financially . When I refused to play it his way , he started to hit me , and when I persisted he took the hits to infront of the children and quoting him "to make me back off " and "continue status quo ".

Just like my ex . Suspected Narcissitic PD

leave NOW . Dont waste and leave 20 years later . Now , after divorce , i still have to deal with his irresponsible ways as we had two kids and I have to continously re-educate my children on what's right and wrong after each of his visit .

He had hidden his true self from you . That man was never there and hence will never be back .

That man you knew will be back only to con the next woman and victim .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> How long did you date him before you married him?
> 
> How old are the two of you?
> 
> ...



good god .

I realise this now . I used to think am i mad ?

OP 

we went for church counselling and after I told about the physical abuse and financial abuse , crying my hearts out . My ex gave a sniggle that only I saw , twice , and I blew my top and yelled at him for sniggling when I was crying my hearts out at his abuses . i walked over and slapped him . 

Later , outside the counselling room , I walked towards him asking why . AND HE STARTED TO BACK OFF AND WHIMPERED AND COVERED HIS FACE AND PRETENDED TO SHIELD HIMSELF FROM ME AS THOUGH I WAS GOING TO HIT HIM AND WHINED DONT HIT ME DONT HIT ME 

At that point , I was puzzled . this is a man who financially abused me and hit me till i fell hard .

good thing the counsellor saw through him . and said he has a personality disorder .

Also , he started to text the counsellor privately secretly saying godly holy things , trying to buy the counsellor's heart . He said that he wanted to be a pastor and missionary and I had stopped him , that he wanted to save my soul , he begged the counsellor to save my soul .

God , that's when i see my ex for what he really is , the true colour , the true self .

OP you have not seen the end of his true self yet as he is still depending on your money . when you refused , you are getting real hell .

so I suggest you check out the law and protect your assets and money right now .

My ex is trying to continue to fight to cheat me of our home , and to pay minimum support .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

frusdil said:


> Counselling is a pointless exercise while married to a junkie who's using. He's an alcoholic and a drug addict. He needs rehab and to never touch drugs or alcohol again. EVER. There is NO such thing as a former junkie, only a junkie who isn't currently using.
> 
> If I were in your shoes my husband wouldn't have to threaten me with annulment, I'd be the one organising it.


:iagree::iagree:


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## lilbitoluv (Aug 14, 2015)

How many children do you have besides him? Going into a marriage being the bread winner and wife is a huge red flag. Men should want to provide and I don't know how he feels like a man when you're bringing home the bacon. 

It sounds like you are used to him not having much of anything and it doesn't seem to be a problem for you, which is another red flag. He needs you, but he should there voluntarily. Not because he can't make it without you. He sounds like a fool and will do nothing but bring you down.

Why would you marry someone that can't take care of himself, and living with roommates?? This is not a marriage this sounds like a game you're both playing


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

Did you see any signs of this behavior prior to marrying? If not, sounds like he tricked you and was showing the "dating persona"..
How long did you date before moving in together, marrying each other?


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