# For the birds



## AnnRains (Oct 16, 2013)

Man o man o man has it been a year!? Well just a quick update, I was the crazy woman whose husband of 18 years left her for a 23 year old waitress. I was devastated. It consumed me. I am sure I needed some kind of therapy, many of you told me that I needed it! 

He came home last Christmas Eve, I have gotten over the affair and forgave him, especially because I found therapy in a new man by the name of Tony, he was new, exciting and fun. I was giddy like a school girl, texting all day and night like a teenager. Going out on dates...taking all kidos to the park etc. I found comfort in him, but I missed my husband so much, I still cried every night. 

A week before our divorce was final, he came home. Wanted to work things out with me. I was cautious but obliged. 

It was rough in the beginning with trust issues but now things with him are really good. He has given me all of the things that I needed like, full disclosure, attention, I really believe that it was just a hiccup in our journey together.

But here is the kicker. I'm bored... I wanted him back sooooo bad. I prayed for the Lord to lead him back to our family. 

Now sometimes I can't even stand the smell of him. It is the same ol, same ol. I miss the newness that I had with Tony. I want to be giddy again. and I know that I will never have that with my husband again. WTH is wrong with me?! I have invested 18 years and 4 children with this man, cried, begged and prayed for him to come home and NOW I am not happy. 


Ohhhhh therapy may be needed...Not Tony therapy but real therapy.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Did you disclose your OM Tony to him?


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

AnnRains said:


> I know that I will never have that with my husband again.



These statements have always puzzled me.

Why can't you have that giddy feeling with your husband?

All it takes is a bit of work and effort (on both partners).

With that being said, have you really forgiven him for his infidelity? Have you really given up Tony (as in he's gone from your life and you have disclosed to your husband?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

It's human nature to covet what you think you can't have or have lost. The other part of that, is being used to having a companion around for so many years - whether it's a pet or a husband - missing that companionship.

Perhaps if you had made the decision not to take him back, you would have discovered that those feelings fade; and that your life would have been a lot better than you realized.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Too late, but I'd have recommended finishing the divorce and date him, no different than anyone else. You'd take your time, date him and Tony equally. 

Perhaps you did this in your mind already and decided to patch things up. Like a reliable shoe that fits you so well versus that new one that'll hurt for so long... 

I think you made your decision. Newness of Tony will wear off fast and then I think you'll miss your H. You took a short cut. Work it and grow together with your new start.


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## AnnRains (Oct 16, 2013)

It is completley over with Tony and has been for a year. My husband knows all about him. And knows that I would have never saught him if he hadnt stepped out and left me with noone but my crazy thoughts. Badmemory, I think about this all of the time, I wander where I would be if I hadnt took him back. 

I have forgiven my husband, but I will never forget what he did to me, and my girls and who he turned me into. I will NEVER be that weak willed ball bag and for that I thank him. 

As for Tony and being giddy, it is hard to be giddy with an old shoe. I wish I could find that with my husband. 

Sometimes I wish to leave, to see what else this life has in store for me, but I just cant do that to my girls or even to him. 

I am not as emotionaly crazy as I was this time last year but I am just as confused, but this time it is about me and how I feel.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Old shoes may be comfortable, but new shoes are more fun. You probably won't ever get back the new shoe excitement, but you may at least avoid sore feet.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

This is a head scratcher.

Is it a consolation if I say that Tony would get old and boring before long, too?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sadly...good old exciting Tony would have become old slippers as well. With that said, excitement in a marriage takes initiative by both. Waiting for entertainment to be presented to you only happens at the movies and theaters. Think of things that are exciting. Then go do these things with your H.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Yeah, I don't think I could get those tingling feelings back for my husband if he left me for another woman.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

You were comfortable and fairly content with your husband when he cheated on you and wrecked your life as most people in marriages are after years and years of marriage.

Tony was new and a little exciting as new relationships are and after oh so many years brought the freshness of a new relationship back into your life.

You still pined for the man you had spent most of your adult life with, the father of your children

He came back and you were initially happy and welcomed him back, months later you have different feelings swirling around as the comfort and contentment *hasn't had time too establish itself yet *as you were so hurt but the feelings you had of a new relationship are still vibrant in your head

*In time* they will sink below the surface and as you start to feel a little safer/secure with your husband the contentment and comfort will return


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

soccermom2three said:


> Yeah, I don't think I could get those tingling feelings back for my husband if he left me for another woman.


Agreed. Perhaps especially if he left me for a 23-year-old waitress.

But, OP, you made your choice when you agreed to take him back and evidently called off the D. I think you both need therapy - individual for each, and MC together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

snerg said:


> These statements have always puzzled me.
> 
> Why can't you have that giddy feeling with your husband?
> 
> ...


Why? It was not solely that the thing with Tony was new, it was in part that it was new to have a partner in Tony who had not cheated on her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

Regardless of what happens with your marriage, I strongly recommend therapy both for you and your kids, you'd all benefit greatly from it (as have I).

Best wishes


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

After being so devastated,it's no wonder that you felt so giddy with Tony. You realized that life truly does go on and that you alone can make the choices that allow you to be happy/unhappy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You once felt like that for your husband. Because of PEA chemicals. It's what keeps the human race procreating. But it fades after 3 or 4 years and then you're just left with a relationship. And if you don't keep fanning the flames in your marriage, it WILL feel stale. But that's on you. You have to actively keep your marriage fresh, happy, fun. Are you spending 15 hours a week together on non-work/chore/kids stuff? That's what Dr. Harley recommends to 'stay in love.'

What you felt for Tony? It was just lust, just the PEA chemicals. And it's been so long since you felt that in your own marriage, what you had with Tony seems 'better.' But it's not.

The adult thing to do is make decisions that are good for you, not based on what feels good. If you want to stay married, do the work to keep it fresh. Build new memories. Go to new restaurants, go to a high school football game, join a poker club and play together, do fun things together, and you'll start to feel those things for your husband again.

The love drug, PEA [Archive] - Bluelight


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## AnnRains (Oct 16, 2013)

everything you have said has made it so much sense and I cannot thank you guys enough. I have a second chance with the man I truly love I suppose I should make the best of it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Coming in lat here...

Is it your old man or Tony that you truly love?

Some of the hardest sh1t in life brings the greatest rewards....I hope its your old man...I hope you guys can grow old together.

The way I see it is you and your old man tied a knot.... do not untie it for some bull sh!t that will die off....

Plus...I bet Tony just wants to phuck married chicks.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

AnnRains said:


> It is completley over with Tony and has been for a year. My husband knows all about him. And knows that* I would have never saught him if he hadnt stepped out and left me with noone but my crazy thoughts*. Badmemory, I think about this all of the time, I wander where I would be if I hadnt took him back.
> 
> I have forgiven my husband, but *I will never forget* what he did to me, and my girls and *who he turned me into.* I will NEVER be that weak willed ball bag and for that I thank him.
> 
> ...


You need to own your actions, just the same as we tell any WS that shows up here. Yes, you may have made the decisions based on the situations you were faced with but that is exactly it, you made those decisions (and the same "excuse" could and has been used by other WS and we don't let them off because of that.

You could have sought medical assistance and therapy to deal with your issues differently, yet you sought someone else out for your therapy (which you were separated and going through D, so that is fine but doesn't make them any less your decisions. It was your choice and you need to stop blaming your H for this. Juts as he made his decision to leave and needs to be held responsible and accountable for it, so have you made your choice and need to own it as well. 

The way I see it (at least how it reads to me) is that you are unhappy with your decisions and looking to blame shift them onto your H for is infidelity. He might have driven you to the point that you were faced with this decision, but ultimately you had other options and you chose the one you did. Until you take ownership of your actions and choices and stop blaming your H, you will not be able to move on from this. If you are truly unhappy, then maybe it is time to get out. Your children won't suffer if you two separate amicably. you might want to seek out therapy (something you should have done in the beginning) to find out what you truly want and need.


Good luck with the decisions you make, and just remember they are yours. If you are unhappy with some of the decisions you have made, then learn from those mistakes and don't repeat them, but either way they are your and your alone, so own them.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

AnnRains said:


> Man o man o man has it been a year!? Well just a quick update, I was the crazy woman whose husband of 18 years left her for a 23 year old waitress. I was devastated. It consumed me. I am sure I needed some kind of therapy, many of you told me that I needed it!


Not to worry, she'll better deal his ass when he starts looking like her grandpa and she is still relatively young looking.

I'll never understand people who go for much younger people instead of someone they can grow old with.


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