# Newlywed No Sex Help



## bigun20 (Aug 22, 2014)

Hey everyone. I am a 30 year old newlywed male. My new wife and I have been married for nearly 3 months and we've had sex 6 times total. Twice on the honeymoon and 4 times since coming back. Is this unusual? I feel like it is very unusual and it is driving me almost insane causing very resenting feeling towards her. I am an attractive male or so I've been told, I get hit on all the time by women, but for several reason the wife doesn't initiate or even act like she wants sex....ever. She says she's tired from work and is cranky all the time. She doesn't like it when I try to rub on her to get her in the mood either. She says that messages and things like that hurt her. 

I've talked with her about it and she says she doesn't know how to initiate it. Then cries and says that I hurt her feelings. I feel our marriage is in severe jeopardy. She's not really a romantic person and never touches or attempt to start something. If we are laying in bed and I try to make the move to initiate something she will just stare at the tv and ignore me or say that I'm hurting her by rubbing on her. Do you guys have any advice as to what I should do? I've tried everything I can think of.

I am also a strong Christian so divorce is def. not something I want to do. I think I may have made a mistake though because of the way she treats me. HELP!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Please don't start with divorce is not an option.
If you start with that mindset you are screwed.
Don't tell me you guys didn't have sex before the marriage.
You do not want to subject yourself to this long term.
You can get an annulment. It's not a divorce.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I am glad though you are addressing this early and not just accepting it.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

How old is she? You didn't marry a 30 year old virgin did you? It's one thing to be 20 and a virgin because of your beliefs. But if you make it to 30 as a virgin there's a very high likely hood that you're not into sex in the first place. Did you have a discussion or agreement about it before marrying her?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> How old is she? You didn't marry a 30 year old virgin did you? It's one thing to be 20 and a virgin because of your beliefs. But if you make it to 30 as a virgin there's a very high likely hood that you're not into sex in the first place. Did you have a discussion or agreement about it before marrying her?


There is the rub if you are a Christian you are supposed to not have sex before marriage.
I am of the mindset because of too many threads you have to have sex before marriage and decide if you two are compatible.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are the two of you?

Have you ever had sex with anyone other than your wife? I'm assuming this would have been before your married.

Did the two of you have sex with each other before marriage?

Your wife's reaction to sex is not normal at all. Being touched should not hurt unless you are pressing too hard. Massages should not hurt.

Does she complain that sex hurts her?


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## bigun20 (Aug 22, 2014)

No she and I both were def. not virgins before we met or after. We use to go at it 3 or 4 times a week when we were dating then we stopped a few months before we got engaged because of my values and such. We were engaged for a year before we got married so we went a year and a few month without sex.

^ Yes she complains and says I'm too large and it hurts. I retort that if we only do it once a month what do you expect.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bigun20 said:


> No she and I both were def. not virgins before we met or after. We use to go at it 3 or 4 times a week when we were dating then we stopped a few months before we got engaged because of my values and such. We were engaged for a year before we got married so we went a year and a few month without sex.
> 
> ^ Yes she complains and says I'm too large and it hurts. I retort that if we only do it once a month what do you expect.


Did she complain about your size when you had sex before you married her?

A vagina is not like a pair of leather shoes. Shoes shrink up some when you don't wear them for a while so they are tight when you put them on again. A vagina does not shrink up when not used. Where did get that idea from? :scratchhead:

Are you saying that your values changed while you were dating her so one day you just said no more sex until marriage? How did she react when you did this?

I thing that part of the problem is that after having an active sex with her you put an end to it. Then for the next years and a half she had to learn to not react sexually towards you. Then you expected her to turn it on again after marriage. Look up the hormone Oxytocin. It’s a hormone produced when people have sex. Women are particularly sensitive to low levels of Oxytocin. With the sex/intimacy removed from your relationship she no longer has the bond to you that is necessary to want to have sex. When women’s Oxytocin levels fall too low they do not want to be touched… it can hurt.

Your wife needs some extra help getting back into having a sex life. Your best bet is find a marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist. Then tell your wife that you love her but cannot live in a sexless or very low sex marriage and that you would like her to go to MC with you and work on getting your sex life back.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

It sounds a little bit as if you are expecting your wife to initiate sex and to seduce you and you're upset because she doesn't, and now you've made her feel foolish for not doing something she didn't know she was supposed to do.

Make sure you are being affectionate all the time and not just when you want sex. Make sure you kiss her often and have lots of make out sessions and not just when you want sex.

She may not know how to seduce but you can teach her by seducing her.

Get some coconut oil and make a practice of 10 minute massages every single night. One night you get a massage, next night she does. This gets her used to be touched by you, in an intimate way, that isn't directly a precursor to sex.

Use lots and lots of coconut oil on your penis and around her vulva before sex. I can't stress this enough! He she has experienced pain during sex she is tensing up and drying up which makes it worse.

Ask gently for what you want from her and make her feel desired as she tries to give it to you.

Lastly, you pulled the rug out from under her when you decided to go all religious on her after you had gotten in her pants. That was a major rejection and I don't care how profoundly god talked you out of getting it on.now all of sudden, she is supposed to be hot, heavy and wild for you?

Reexamine how you've been treating her, put more effort into meeting her needs or discovering what they are.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

You DID have sex before you got married? Right?

If not, you got punked, dude.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The easiest way to solve this problem is start the process of divorce while giving her control of the choices she makes to either prevent the divorce or allow it to continue.

It will cause her to get sexual in a hurry, if she cares about keeping her marriage.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

How was the sex before you got married.

Your wife needs to learn and accept that it's job # 1 to keep your husband/significant other satisfied in a marriage.

Without it, you can say whatever you want about "no possibility of divorce"....it WILL happen in time.

She should be not only satisfying you, she should be going UP AND BEYOND that.

Also, why in the world did you marry her when the sex stopped PRIOR to marriage. Didn't you think that was a sign of things to come?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I would run to a lawyer and file she settled and just isn't into you and eventually it will poison you marriage and life. Be glad your not heavely invested and chalk it up to a life experiance and move on to find someone your compatible with or be stuck with this .


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I hear this I can't even think about divorce because my religion considers it a sin.

I say boloney.and this is why.

nobody in the world can be totally sinless. why pick this one thing to say I can't because its a sin.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I have values when I get engaged but when we are dating we can shag like rabbits.Makes no sense.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It will get better - once you're divorced. Until then, it will almost certainly get worse.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I'm kind of disgusted with the responses by the men here. Shocked too. The OP has a healthy amount of blame in this and yet the male responses mostly ignore this entirely.

So the men seem to think putting out isn't at all dependent on how he treats her? You don't see the mixed message, or his initial rejections, or his lack of attention? Shocking.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I would not say "go for divorce" just yet, but accept that as an option,.

Your wife deserves a fair warning, tell her how it is OP. Sometimes we need a bit of a reality check to reset ourselves.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If it was me, I'd start by having the uncomfortable talk with her. About how you were all up in each other's business before getting married, and how things are bone dry now. Not in those words, of course. Find out what's going on in her head. See if there's something obvious that you need to do differently. Make sure the two of you are still "dating" each other, and haven't lost the desire to woo each other. 

Failing all that, maybe it's time for some marriage counseling. Maybe there's things bugging her that either she hasn't formalized in her mind, or she doesn't feel comfortable telling you. A good MC might bring those things to the surface. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> I'm kind of disgusted with the responses by the men here. Shocked too. The OP has a healthy amount of blame in this and yet the male responses mostly ignore this entirely.
> 
> So the men seem to think putting out isn't at all dependent on how he treats her? You don't see the mixed message, or his initial rejections, or his lack of attention? Shocking.


We can't assume and OP has not said anything about it.

We are assuming he treats her right.

Matter a fact, let's assume he doesn't. It's still her responsibility to be affectionate/intimate REGARDLESS.

Withholding sex for ANY reason is wrong. It should not be part of any kind of negotiations etc.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

DoF said:


> We can't assume and OP has not said anything about it.
> 
> We are assuming he treats her right.
> 
> ...


:lol:

:rofl:

Oh really? :rofl:


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

annulment was intended for exactly this


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Mr. Nail said:


> annulment was intended for exactly this


I think you need to research what the laws are with regards to annulments, in different areas... It's not a magic bullet. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Anon Pink said:


> I'm kind of disgusted with the responses by the men here. Shocked too. The OP has a healthy amount of blame in this and yet the male responses mostly ignore this entirely.
> 
> So the men seem to think putting out isn't at all dependent on how he treats her? You don't see the mixed message, or his initial rejections, or his lack of attention? Shocking.


just where dose this healthy amount of blame come from? are we reading the same thread or are you using your womans clairvoyant powers?


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> I'm kind of disgusted with the responses by the men here. Shocked too. The OP has a healthy amount of blame in this and yet the male responses mostly ignore this entirely.
> 
> So the men seem to think putting out isn't at all dependent on how he treats her? You don't see the mixed message, or his initial rejections, or his lack of attention? Shocking.



Wtf? Did you read my mind?

I am not advocating divorce because HE did this. They were having a healthy sex life but then when he decides to get married he cut off the sex because of "values"? Sounds like you want to be perceived as having high values after getting your rocks off. You made a unilateral decision to cut off sex for a very long period of time after indulging yourself. How do you think this woman feels? You rejected her for a self righteous reason. It would not be hard to imagine there are other problems and she just doesn't feel close to you. Maybe she had to turn herself off so to speak sexually and it's not something that can be turned on again like a light switch. You can't open and close sexual chemistry like that. People are too complicated for that. 

She may also associate sex with something dirty since, you wanted to stop when you wanted her to be your wife. I can imagine her being chastised by you if she ever wanted to get frisky while engaged.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Anon Pink said:


> :lol:
> 
> :rofl:
> 
> Oh really? :rofl:


In an ideal world, if she's unhappy with some aspect of her marriage, she WOULD bring it up and deal with it rather than cutting off their sex life. 

However... She's not here, and he is. And I agree with you that divorce and annulments should not be the first thoughts here. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> :lol:
> 
> :rofl:
> 
> Oh really? :rofl:


I think so, I know that's not reality and MANY women make this mistake.

I'm telling you it's wrong and you shouldn't. EVER


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

PBear said:


> In an ideal world, if she's unhappy with some aspect of her marriage, she WOULD bring it up and deal with it rather than cutting off their sex life.


I agree

Deal with it like an adult, withholding sex is childish and manipulative (to say the least).

If she is not happy with ANY aspect of the relationship, she needs to discuss it with her husband. If the husband doesn't care or change/work on it......and it's a deal breaker, you walk.

Meanwhile, while in a relationship one should be obligated to still do what couples do, regardless of "resentment or problems".

EVERY relationship has problems ALWAYS, are we saying you should use sex against your partner regardless of the problem or is that reserved to ONLY get what you want?

Sad part is, may women do this, and many men cave and fall for this oldest trick in the book. Thus, women think they are ALWAYS right and husband becomes a "yes" zombie which women so often HATE.

Funny how that works ehh?

You get EXACTLY what you asked for with your actions ladies!!! If you create a push over, you will get one (assuming you man has no balls....)


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

DoF said:


> her responsibility to be affectionate/intimate REGARDLESS.
> 
> Withholding sex for ANY reason is wrong. It should not be part of any kind of negotiations etc.





DoF said:


> I think so, I know that's not reality and MANY women make this mistake.
> 
> I'm telling you it's wrong and you shouldn't. EVER


You've got that backwards. Many men make the mistake of not linking their behavior to her desire to have sex with him.

This is not to say you can nice your way into her panties, but being an ass sure as hell isn't going to open the gate either.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Here's what I want some of you guys to do. Imagine if a woman posted here about how she and her husband are in a sexless marriage. Then she posted about how they had a great sex life but when they became engaged, she decided they should stop having sex. How rejected and frustrated do you think that dude would feel? Now she just wants him to get on with it after that? 

I think a lot of you would have a different tune.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I don't think withholding sex is always (or even often) a conscious decision. And I say this as someone who came from a sexually/intimacy starved relationship. It can take a great deal of persistence and pain to try to dig out the reasons why you're not really into sex with your partner. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> just where dose this healthy amount of blame come from? are we reading the same thread or are you using your womans clairvoyant powers?


Allow me...






bigun20 said:


> . I am an attractive male or so I've been told, I get hit on all the time by women, *but for several reason the wife doesn't initiate or even act like she wants sex....ever. * She says she's tired from work and is cranky all the time. *She doesn't like it when I try to rub on her to get her in the mood either.* She says that messages and things like that hurt her.
> 
> I've talked with her about it and she says *she doesn't know how to initiate it. Then cries and says that I hurt her feelings.* I feel our marriage is in severe jeopardy. She's not really a romantic person and never touches or attempt to start something. this is a common tactic of women who don't want sex. They stop being affectionate because they've learned by HIS behavior that affection is ONLY a precursor to sex! If we are laying in bed and I try to make the move to initiate something she will just stare at the tv and ignore me or say that I'm hurting her by rubbing on her. In other words, she doesn't want sex and since the only time you touch her is to initiate sex she doesn't want you to touch her! Do you guys have any advice as to what I should do? I've tried everything I can think of.
> 
> I am also a strong Christian so divorce is def. not something I want to do. I think I may have made a mistake though because of the way she treats me. HELP!





bigun20 said:


> No she and I both were def. not virgins before we met or after. *We use to go at it 3 or 4 times a week when we were dating then we stopped a few months before we got engaged because of my values and such. We were engaged for a year before we got married so we went a year and a few month without sex.*
> 
> ^ *Yes she complains and says I'm too large and it hurts. I retort that if we only do it once a month what do you expect.*


Oh lord, the list of things OP has admitted to or hinted at grows and grows.

1. Rejected her in a big way when he cut off sex entirely during their engagement. Don't know why she married him but she did and now that's done.

2. Shows affection as sex initiation and not just for affection.

3. Shows a lack of understanding about female sexuality and blames her for the pain. Of sure, lots of women would want to tap that!

4. Expects her to initiate sex then makes her feel foolish and hurts her feelings.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

bigun20 said:


> No she and I both were def. not virgins before we met or after. We use to go at it 3 or 4 times a week when we were dating then we stopped a few months before we got engaged because of my values and such. We were engaged for a year before we got married so we went a year and a few month without sex.
> 
> ^ Yes she complains and says I'm too large and it hurts. I retort that if we only do it once a month what do you expect.


Because of your values? Your values changed along the way? Your values don't value sex?

You had plenty of sex while dating (how long were you dating?), then decided no more till marriage, and denied her sex for over a year...*YOU caused this issue*, not your wife.

I really don't see ANY logic in this. Now you basically have to start dating her all over again. She's not "feeling it" with you any more, so you can't just expect she'll want to have sex with you. You put yourself in friend zone for over a year.

What a mess. Maybe seek some counselling for intimacy issues. 

Good luck?


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> 1. Rejected her in a big way when he cut off sex entirely during their engagement. Don't know why she married him but she did and now that's done.
> 
> 2. Shows affection as sex initiation and not just for affection.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
couples counseling. They had an active sex life before, now they don't. Unless one of them was just pretending to enjoy sex in order to get married, they can have one again.

If it doesn't work, then get a divorce - for both of your sake's. Neither of o you is going to be happy the way things are


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

I think you did a lot of things to turn your wife off. And you seem very self centered. You changed your values to appear a certain way and rejected your lover. You have to let us know that women always hit on you. Probably something you perceived, anyway. And your only reasoning for your wife not wanting sex with you is because you have a big penis. Which is probably something she didn't even say. I bet she made the comment of how it hurts and maybe she was really dry. And you probably said something like, "It's not my fault I'm so big!"

I think you have little understanding of what this woman wants or needs and just want her to put out.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

richie33 said:


> I have values when I get engaged but when we are dating we can shag like rabbits.Makes no sense.


In fact I would suggest this logic is backwards. Assuming you believe sex is only appropriate within a marriage, when you're dating and have no commitment to the woman that's when you should be abstaining. Once you get engaged you're essentially committing to a lifetime with this person thus should be able to have sex with them then.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Exactly. OP is responsible for a lot of this. She is not off the hook either cause two wrongs don't make a right.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

bigun20 said:


> No she and I both were def. not virgins before we met or after. *We use to go at it 3 or 4 times a week when we were dating then we stopped a few months before we got engaged because of my values and such.* We were engaged for a year before we got married so we went a year and a few month without sex.
> 
> ^ Yes she complains and says I'm too large and it hurts. I retort that if we only do it once a month what do you expect.


I'm sorry, but you brought this issue upon yourself. 

You had a good sex life and you stopped it. You taught her to not act sexual towards you, after you said no sex for a year. Hell, my husband refused me sex for a lot less time, and I'm still struggling a lot to overcome that resentment. 

You have a lot of work to do in order to fix the problem you created.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FalconKing said:


> Wtf? Did you read my mind?
> 
> I am not advocating divorce because HE did this. They were having a healthy sex life but then when he decides to get married he cut off the sex because of "values"? Sounds like you want to be perceived as having high values after getting your rocks off. You made a unilateral decision to cut off sex for a very long period of time after indulging yourself. How do you think this woman feels? You rejected her for a self righteous reason. It would not be hard to imagine there are other problems and she just doesn't feel close to you. Maybe she had to turn herself off so to speak sexually and it's not something that can be turned on again like a light switch. You can't open and close sexual chemistry like that. People are too complicated for that.
> 
> She may also associate sex with something dirty since, you wanted to stop when you wanted her to be your wife. I can imagine her being chastised by you if she ever wanted to get frisky while engaged.


:iagree: I'm amazed at those on here who seem to think that it was ok for the OP to unilaterally reject her sexually for 1.5 years. But now she's terrible for having what is a normal reaction to this kind of rejection.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I love threads where we have 2 posts by the OP, and three pages of responses by people making their points. And yes, I've contributed my share to that... 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DoF said:


> We can't assume and OP has not said anything about it.
> 
> We are assuming he treats her right.
> 
> ...


No one is obligated to have sex with someone who mistreats them. 

You are saying that if her husband spends the day putting her down, yelling at her, refusing to spend non-sexual time with her, she is still obligated to have sex with him?

Wives are not owned. IF a man wants sex with his wife he needs to treat her well. The reverse is true as well.

The OP spend 1.5 years rejecting her sexually. Now he's upset that she cannot turn on her sexuality like she's got an on/off switch. 

Too bad she's not here to tell us how she felt that after they shagged like rabbits for a long time he suddenly decided that he had 'values', that what she had been doing wrong and a sin and bad. Then he spends 1.5 years rejecting her. That would mess anyone up in the head. I'm not even sure why she married him.


.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> You've got that backwards. Many men make the mistake of not linking their behavior to her desire to have sex with him.
> 
> This is not to say you can nice your way into her panties, but being an ass sure as hell isn't going to open the gate either.


remember, any game you choose to play, we can play as well.

But what you are saying is exactly what you said above "nice your way into her panties".


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

PBear said:


> I love threads where we have 2 posts by the OP, and three pages of responses by people making their points. And yes, I've contributed my share to that...
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Haha! And then they never post again!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

DoF said:


> remember, any game you choose to play, we can play as well.
> 
> But what you are saying is exactly what you said above "nice your way into her panties".


I think we are having difficulty understanding each other.

If you want your wife to respond to you sexually, you're going to HAVE to do things that cause her to want to have sex with you and at the same time NOT do things that make her feel stupid/foolish or invalidated, or marginalized.

Nicing your way into her panties would be a covert contract. Such as, if I vacuum and do the laundry, she'll agree to have sex with me. When what you should be doing is flirting, touching, suggesting, caressing and standing up for yourself by not allowing her to invalidate your need for sexual connection.

You've got the "standing up for yourself" part down pat. Now get the rest of it going too.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Rubbing on her when you're in bed watching tv at the end of a long day isn't usually the best way to initiate sex. Initiating needs to start long before you get to bed by flirting throughout the day, affectionate touches and kisses throughout the day, fun and playful teasing throughout the day. 

That shows her _affection_, which is incredibly important for her to know that you _like _her _care _for her, not just want to get into her pants. It also gives her an opportunity to start thinking about sex and _feeling sexy_, which is also important. Sex starts in the mind, not when you start "rubbing on her."

Start over, start fresh. _Apologize to her for ending your sex life arbitrarily and unilterally due to some vague values that you didn't have when you started dating her._ Accept that you screwed up and tell her that you take the blame on yourself - _and that you don't blame her_ - let her know that you get it that you messed up by refusing to have sex for a year and a half and recognize it will take some time to rekindle the fires, but that you want to do the work so that she feels pleasure again in your arms. 

Start making time to go on dates together like you did when you were dating. Start flirting again, like you did when you were dating. Kiss her throughout the day, hold hands when you're out together, hug her when you get home every day and give her a real kiss. Don't start pushing for sex every time you touch her. Touch her because you want to caress her because she is special to you, not just a warm body to screw.

Start reading up on how to pleasure a woman during sex. Lots of women need lots and lots of foreplay to get wet enough. Get that coconut oil! Lube is your friend. Find out how she orgasms - is she purely clitoral stimulation, or penetration, or both? Then do that - give her oral, use your hands, touch her whole body long enough for her to feel desire. Women need to warm up first, and it's not always how you think she needs to warm up.

Finally, understand that many women don't initiate, especially when something is screwed up in their sex lives. Don't expect her to and don't make her feel bad if she doesn't - you be the one to take the first steps to repairing your sex life.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> If you want your wife to respond to you sexually, you're going to HAVE to do things that cause her to want to have sex with you.


I tried coating myself with chocolate. Other that that the last 10 years have been a quest to figure out exactly what it is she wants to have sex with.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

PBear said:


> I think you need to research what the laws are with regards to annulments, in different areas... It's not a magic bullet.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry I misread the initial information. I thought she misled him into thinking the marriage would be sexual, when in fact he misled her into thinking the marriage would be nonsexual. She should ask for the annulment for bad faith. What a mess.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Mr. Nail said:


> Sorry I misread the initial information. I thought she misled him into thinking the marriage would be sexual, when in fact he misled her into thinking the marriage would be nonsexual. She should ask for the annulment for bad faith. What a mess.


Even at that, the rules for annulment are pretty strict, from the reading I've done. You can get a divorce just because... But annulments have very specific reasons, like someone being underage, incapable of consent, etc. Things like "she won't put out" are NOT grounds for an annulment. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

norajane said:


> Rubbing on her when you're in bed watching tv at the end of a long day isn't usually the best way to initiate sex. Initiating needs to start long before you get to bed by flirting throughout the day, affectionate touches and kisses throughout the day, fun and playful teasing throughout the day.
> 
> That shows her _affection_, which is incredibly important for her to know that you _like _her _care _for her, not just want to get into her pants. It also gives her an opportunity to start thinking about sex and _feeling sexy_, which is also important. Sex starts in the mind, not when you start "rubbing on her."
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:

This is great advice.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Mr. Nail said:


> I tried coating myself with chocolate. Other that that the last 10 years have been a quest to figure out exactly what it is she wants to have sex with.


I know, I know, I know....sexuality and its healthy expression is complicated. 

As a general rule, when your wife doesn't want to have sex with you on a regular basis, FIRST, look at what you might be doing. Then look at what she might be going through such as hormonal decline after motherhood. Lastly you discuss expectations, and then compromises, and then boundaries.

FYI, chocolate and semen...Not a pleasant mixture.


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## bigun20 (Aug 22, 2014)

I'm back. Sorry guys I have to work during the day and am just getting time to check in here. Thanks for the replies so far too. No, I'm about the most unself-centered person you can imagine. I do everything I can to keep her happy, ie pay bills..wash dishes...cook, and try to spend as much time as I can with her when she's in a good mood. The only reason I said I think I'm decent looking is because I've been told that and I know she finds me attractive. Not because I am all self centered and vain and think the light only shines on me. Also, yes she says that it is too big and painful. I'm not making that up.

Also, we did stop having sex right before we became engaged but that was because all sex before that I really didn't believe in but she would coax me into. I finally stood up after several years of different partners and said I didn't believe in doing that anymore. She knew how I felt before hand agreed it was ok. Our preacher also made us sign a contract saying no sex before marriage about 6 months before our date and she was perfectly fine signing that as well.

I think our wedding planning process took a huge toll and financial issues. She is very independent and head strong and doesn't like relying on me for things. Which is good in a way but for example her and her parents spent tons on a wedding and now she is struggling to pay for it. Like I said before I pay all the bills and 95% of the food. She works as a nurse and has a good job but is struggling bc of student loans, car payment, wedding pics, etc...so I try to help her out as much as I can.

She has body image issues too so I'm sure that contributes to the no sex as well.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Seriously big guns? You didn't hear one word of advice in this thread? You just came back to defend yourself?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

So what you are saying is that religion disabled you from doing what you SHOULD be doing in a relationship?

Sounds like you shot yourself in the foot.

Don't get me wrong, I'm ALL for waiting for intimacy until proper time and until you know the person well (as in, not on first few dates)........few months down the road, takes time.

But to completely NOT do it before marriage is really not smart. She followed thru on that too, didn't she?

Not good, not good at all. 

As for her body issues, she needs to get over it. Her body is for YOU, not her. As long as you like it, that's all that matters....her opinion is worthless.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm confused... Was she fine with her body before you got engaged, and now she's not? Did she gain weight?

Have you talked to her about the situation?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

PBear said:


> I'm confused... Was she fine with her body before you got engaged, and now she's not? Did she gain weight?
> 
> Have you talked to her about the situation?
> 
> ...


Based on what our amazing society tells us....he should never EVER even dare to do that.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

DoF said:


> As for her body issues, she needs to get over it. Her body is for YOU, not her. As long as you like it, that's all that matters....her opinion is worthless.


Oh dear.

:banghead:


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

She forced you to have sex before marriage....now I have heard it all.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Oh dear.
> 
> :banghead:


Just trying to help you.....

Don't take what I said it TOO literally....or to the extreme.

It's true

If you can tell me what you find wrong with my statement that would be great. Oh Dear means nothing to me.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

PBear said:


> Even at that, the rules for annulment are pretty strict, from the reading I've done. You can get a divorce just because... But annulments have very specific reasons, like someone being underage, incapable of consent, etc. Things like "she won't put out" are NOT grounds for an annulment.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know of two people who...even after having children...were able to get an annulment after making a significant donation to the church.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

DoF said:


> Her body is for YOU, not her. As long as you like it, that's all that matters....her opinion is worthless.


If you bought her at auction I suppose that would be true...


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

DoF said:


> As for her body issues, she needs to get over it. Her body is for YOU, not her. As long as you like it, that's all that matters....her opinion is worthless.


Let me guess. You are one of the posters on here who is not getting enough sex. I wonder why?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bigun20 said:


> I'm back. Sorry guys I have to work during the day and am just getting time to check in here. Thanks for the replies so far too. No, I'm about the most unself-centered person you can imagine. I do everything I can to keep her happy, ie pay bills..wash dishes...cook, and try to spend as much time as I can with her when she's in a good mood. The only reason I said I think I'm decent looking is because I've been told that and I know she finds me attractive. Not because I am all self centered and vain and think the light only shines on me. Also, yes she says that it is too big and painful. I'm not making that up.
> 
> Also, we did stop having sex right before we became engaged but that was because *all sex before that I really didn't believe in but she would coax me into. * I finally stood up after several years of different partners and said I didn't believe in doing that anymore. *She knew how I felt before hand agreed it was ok. * Our preacher also made us sign a contract saying no sex before marriage about 6 months before our date and she was perfectly fine signing that as well.


You blame her for the sex you had with her before marriage. She forced you? Really? No wonder she will not initiate. She knows that it’s not safe to initiate sex with you. You have taught her that her initiating sex is a dirty thing to do.
She signed the no-sex agreement because she loves you and wanted to be with you. I’m sure she had no idea what the long-term ramifications are of your choice to end your sex with her. She had no idea that the results of all of this is that she would end up feeling ashamed of the sex she had with you before, ashamed of her body, afraid to initial sex because sex is now dirty; that results would be that her sexual desire would be turned off, or that she would feel hurt and rejected by you.


bigun20 said:


> I think our wedding planning process took a huge toll and financial issues. She is very independent and head strong and doesn't like relying on me for things. Which is good in a way but for example her and her parents spent tons on a wedding and now she is struggling to pay for it. Like I said before I pay all the bills and 95% of the food. She works as a nurse and has a good job but is struggling bc of student loans, car payment, wedding pics, etc...so I try to help her out as much as I can.


You are married. What’s all of this your income/bills and her income/bills? Marriage is a partnership. You say that you pay all the bills. But then you list a lot of bills that she pays. See a financial planner and figure out a way to combine your bills and income so that there is not this your and her mentality. There needs to be an “our” and “us” mentality in marriage.


bigun20 said:


> She has body image issues too so I'm sure that contributes to the no sex as well.


What are her body image issues? She did not have them before you stopped having sex with her? This could be yet another result of your ending the sex after having a sexual relationship with her.

You hold a lot of the responsibility for the lack of sex in your marriage. But you don’t seem willing to own up to it and just want to blame her. 

The way to fix this is to go see a marriage counselor, apologize to your wife for sexually rejecting her and making her feel that her sexuality is a dirty thing. And then ask her to please work with you to fix this problem.

If you are not willing to own up to your own fault in all this and work with her, then just divorce her.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

bigun20 said:


> I'm back. Sorry guys I have to work during the day and am just getting time to check in here. Thanks for the replies so far too. No, I'm about the most unself-centered person you can imagine. I do everything I can to keep her happy, ie pay bills..wash dishes...cook, and try to spend as much time as I can with her when she's in a good mood. The only reason I said I think I'm decent looking is because I've been told that and I know she finds me attractive. Not because I am all self centered and vain and think the light only shines on me. Also, yes she says that it is too big and painful. I'm not making that up.
> 
> Also, we did stop having sex right before we became engaged but that was because all sex before that I really didn't believe in but she would coax me into. I finally stood up after several years of different partners and said I didn't believe in doing that anymore. She knew how I felt before hand agreed it was ok. Our preacher also made us sign a contract saying no sex before marriage about 6 months before our date and she was perfectly fine signing that as well.
> 
> ...


Regardless of WHY you cut her off from sex--you did it. The reason doesn't matter, whether it's religious, moral, etc. From her perspective, she had a good sexual relationship, and you arbitrarily took that away from her. 

Sorry dude, you killed her drive.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MaritimeGuy said:


> I know of two people who...even after having children...were able to get an annulment after making a significant donation to the church.


There are two kinds of annulments.. 

A civil annulment that actually legally ends the marriage. In this case it's considered that the legal marriage never happened so a divorce is not necessary.

Then there are annulments that can be obtained from a religion, such as the Catholic Church. These types of annulments have no legal standing.

Everyone else on this thread was talking about a civil annulment.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

MaritimeGuy said:


> If you bought her at auction I suppose that would be true...


See, I don't mean it like that......but at the same time, I'm a bit concerned that you think of it that way.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> There are two kinds of annulments..
> 
> A civil annulment that actually legally ends the marriage. In this case it's considered that the legal marriage never happened so a divorce is not necessary.
> 
> ...


I was going to respond, but... What she said. . 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> Let me guess. You are one of the posters on here who is not getting enough sex. I wonder why?


Quite the opposite actually. Amazing sex life here. But nice assumption there.

My wife had TONS of self image issues over the years and have done an amazing job letting go and learning to accept herself for who she is.

All of her own insecurities and self image worries are almost completely gone now. She was able to let go and just focus on what I think/like. 

Mind you, sure she still want to make herself happy and all of that....and I'm SURE some insecurity will always be there. 

She just accepts that I'm the only person on this planet who's opinion matters on her "body" subject.

I'm proud of her

It wasn't always this way.....

So I will stand by my words. 

Ladies, listen to what your husband is telling you about your body and what he likes. That's the ONLY opinion that matters!


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> There are two kinds of annulments..
> 
> A civil annulment that actually legally ends the marriage. In this case it's considered that the legal marriage never happened so a divorce is not necessary.
> 
> ...


I wasn't aware of a civil annulment. 

I thought the main reason for getting an annulment was so you could marry again in the church. If you divorce that door is closed.

At the end of the day would the end result be any different between a civil annulment and a divorce? ...just curious.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

DoF said:


> Quite the opposite actually. Amazing sex life here. But nice assumption there.
> 
> My wife had TONS of self image issues over the years and have done an amazing job letting go and learning to accept herself for who she is.
> 
> ...


Most people would not respond favorably to "your opinion is insignificant".


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> Most people would not respond favorably to "your opinion is insignificant".


Depends how you take it.

it's simply a state of mind one should force onto themselves.

I'm not saying to not CARE about your body or neglect it. Not at all.

Just saying that your SO opinion is the one that matter most. I see so many women focus on their own opinion and neglect their husband intimacy due to it.

It's not right, unhealthy and KILLS relationships.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

DoF said:


> Just trying to help you.....
> 
> Don't take what I said it TOO literally....or to the extreme.
> 
> ...



Boy am I glad I saw this before posting a reply to the above.



DoF said:


> Quite the opposite actually. Amazing sex life here. But nice assumption there.
> 
> My wife had TONS of self image issues over the years and have done an amazing job letting go and learning to accept herself for who she is.
> 
> ...


I seem to be picking complicated issues to reply to today. Hmmmm...

You first post needed to be qualified. And you qualified it well enough.

But let me throw something more out there.

A husbands un diluted happiness and contentment with his wife's appearance and body is vital but not the only thing. She has to feel good about herself, as you've already pointed out. She has to merge her self image with realistic and healthy expectations along with how her husband feels. 

What your second post says is that you have not allowed your wife to keep unrealistic expectations and insisted she look at herself as you see her. You've implied that you are also generous with praise, good boy, and you've not allowed her to minimize the importance of how you see her.

Well done!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> A husbands un diluted happiness and contentment with his wife's appearance and body is vital but not the only thing. She has to feel good about herself, as you've already pointed out. She has to merge her self image with realistic and healthy expectations along with how her husband feels.


Correct, over time, listening and my opinion on the subject helped her deal with that as well. So it worked out great.

It really comes down to valuing your SO opinion, I think it's important.



Anon Pink said:


> What your second post says is that you have not allowed your wife to keep unrealistic expectations and insisted she look at herself as you see her. You've implied that you are also generous with praise, good boy, and you've not allowed her to minimize the importance of how you see her.
> 
> Well done!


Thank you

And sorry if my post came off the wrong way, I can EASILY see how it can/did.

I know there is MANY guys just like me, that fall FLAT on their face on daily basis.

My wife is an amazing woman, what can I say?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> Most people would not respond favorably to "your opinion is insignificant".


Yes, poor word choice. 

Better, "you're being unrealistically hard on yourself!"

Best,"stop beating yourself up for flaws that don't really exist! See yourself how I see you and I do see all of you and I love everything I see!"


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MaritimeGuy said:


> I wasn't aware of a civil annulment.
> 
> I thought the main reason for getting an annulment was so you could marry again in the church. If you divorce that door is closed.
> 
> At the end of the day would the end result be any different between a civil annulment and a divorce? ...just curious.


There can be a huge difference between a civil annulment and a divorce.
Here’s an example I know about in real life.

I know a family whose father ran off, leaving his wife and four children in Virginia. He just disappeared. 

About 2 years later his wife finds out that he’s living in Las Vegas and has married to this other woman. He was a bigamist basically. The other woman was clearly, completely unaware that he was married with 4 children. His oldest son was 13 at the time. 

The bigamous wife had added her new husband on the deed to her home, combined finances, etc. She was apparently pretty well off.

So his wife has her lawyer contact the bigamous wife. The bigamous wife filed for annulment based on fraud. 
Because she filed for an annulment based on fraud, she was able to get a judge to order his name removed from her home and all of her assets that she can comingled with him back... 100%.

Had she divorced him, the 50/50 split of assets and other things related to divorce would have been in effect. Since she has much more in assets than he and she had comingled her separate assets with his, she should have lost half of everything she had based on a mere 2 year marriage.

Plus, it nullified the marriage. That means that it undid the marriage in a legal way that means he was no longer legally a bigamist. But more importantly, she can say that she was never legally married to him.

Here’s the grounds allowed in my state:
•	you or your spouse was under age 16 at the time you married

•	you or your spouse was under age 18 at the time you married and did not have consent to marry from a parent or guardian 

•	the marriage was illegal because you and your spouse are too closely related, or

•	bigamy, which means that you or your spouse was married to someone else at the time of your marriage.

•	presence of fraud in the marriage (such as a person says that they are someone who they are not. Or if person a person who is legally incompetent marries. For example someone married a wealthy Alzheimer’s patient to get to their estate. Their legal guardian and get the marriage annulled.}

Another case of marriage fraud I know of was a woman talked Mr. A into posing as Mr. B. She had Mr. B's id. So Mr. A went with her to get the marriage license and to a preacher to get married. 

Now she represented herself as Mrs. B and tried to get control of his assets. In the end it did not work. He got an annulment. She was not seek prosecution of her, he just wanted her GONE.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

The interruption to your sex life for 6 months taught her that going without sex is okay. Also, you stigmatized sex.

Why did you tell the pastor about your sex life?

Can you get him to talk to your wife again? 

Do you believe your pre marital sex put your soul in jeopardy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> There can be a huge difference between a civil annulment and a divorce.
> Here’s an example I know about in real life.
> 
> I know a family whose father ran off, leaving his wife and four children in Virginia. He just disappeared.
> ...


Makes sense...I guess I just never thought about it. 

Sheesh some people weave some interesting lives...

Seems to me simply living honestly is so much less work than being devious.


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## MissBrittB87 (Mar 15, 2013)

Did she ever get checked out by a doctor for physical problems? Fribromyalgia can cause alot of pain-even massages. I would encourage her to g to a doctor's appointment. Sorry if someone already mentioned this, I read through most of the thread but didn't see it mentioned. i have fibromyalgia and sometimes it hurts too much to get a hug:-/


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