# Just needed to vent



## DisappointedAgain (Apr 6, 2013)

im disappointed.
not only in him but in myself.
myself for being so dumb and disillusioned enough again.
for letting myself feel for this person who hurts me deep every day.
who cannot be my partner, someone to share with and enjoy life's possibilities.
who does not care enough to want to be there and help when it's needed most.

how could i let myself get involved in this vicious cycle again?
and again and again.
i care too much.
about him and more than anything-the kids.
who learn how to handle life from our example.
we have not set a good one at all when it comes to having a relationship.

i try but i cannot be happy with him.
i feel that i'm expected and never asked to handle all things whether big or small.
but if i ask the same of him it causes a fight.
i don't get that.
he says it's the way i go about it.
but i don't naturally assume that he will do something.
maybe because i know better.
but if i ask shouldn't it be considered? without it being said that i'm telling him what to do?
i don't know.

i am in pain, my heart breaks but i cannot show it- for everyone i have to be the rock.
i cannot continue this cycle anymore, it kills me on the inside and changes who i am.
i have to be the strong one all the time.
the caregiver and all that it entails- it is undeniably overwhelming and i know deep down i do it wrong a lot.
the breadwinner even if it barely scrapes by- it hurts to know i cannot give everything they need but i will try.
this is my small way of life, and it feels horrible to know i cannot rely on anyone but me to do it.

i thought i had a lover and best friend back.
i was wrong. so wrong.
i feel so stupid for ever believing it would be different.
i put a lot of hurt aside to try again for my kids and deep down i wanted my family back. 
my family is broken, no matter what i try.
i'm tired.
it hurts to move forward and is scary to think about.
but it hurts more to do this every day.
i cry more than anyone will ever know.
and deep in my bones this tears me apart.
i cannot look at my children and know that i have failed yet again.
and now another will come and know that failure as well.

i am so disappointed.
sad.
angry.
upset.
hurt.
worried.
and i know i have caused the same.

but i will do this and hope it doesn't scar too much to pursue and enjoy happiness down the road.


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## DisappointedAgain (Apr 6, 2013)

sorry to all for the long rant- more of a journal entry.
felt good to shed some tears and put it in words.
thank you if you read it.


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