# looking for any advice



## unhappilyeverafter6m (May 15, 2011)

*looking for any advice-first post please help*

Hi everyone, I'm looking for any advice that could help me make a decision about my marriage of 6 months. My H and I started dating about 5 years ago and pretty quickly hit rough patches. I thought it was just "acclimating to eachother". Hindsight is always 20/20 I guess... Needless to say, I'm not looking for advice from my family and friends, I'm turning to you and quite honestly would like to thank you and feel lucky that I live in a time that I do have people I can turn to. 

Because our relationship started off rocky, when he proposed I felt like we were doing well and were heading in the right direction. Now I feel like we are roomates that get along/tolerate eachother because we have to. We don't hang out (except times we both just happen to watch tv), lost interest in talking to him, don't eat dinner together, asking him to do anything (going out, anything around the house) always starts a fight so now I have just stopped talking. I feel like I've gotten to the point in a relationship before it ends where Everything about the other person annoys you. Is this normal? Can I come back from this? Since we started dating he has made changes (mainly in the area of control -where I work out, when I come home, who I talk to a previous long term gf cheated on him). And I don't know if his efforts of learning to trust me unveiled his lack of empathy for others. He is incredibly judgemental and opinionated (to strangers, MY family and me). If I mention anything that would taint his image of perfection he immediately becomes defensive "you're crazy", "that's not true", "what are you talking about" after he rolls his eyes to me just bringing up my feelings/thoughts. 

I'm not innocent, I have become very negative (which is why he rolls his eyes when I start talking). But I have also made an effort to acknowledge when he helps out (especially by his own initiation). I'm not trying to blame him, I have actually sought my own therapy. I don't think I have ever had a great model of how to maintain a normal and healthy relationship. I'm still working on myself and to what extent this has effected my marriage. 

I do not want to give up prematurely, but I am having a hard time convincing myself to keep trying. Everytime I talk to him about how I feel, I never leave the conversation/arguement feeling acknowledged. So I never move past it, it just carries over into the next day building and building...

We don't have any kids but have lived together for the past 3+ years and have jointly furnished our house. So at this point, it wouldn't be too difficult to leave. 

I'm not ready to walk away but I'm also not prepared to live the rest of my life this way...if anyone has any advice or thoughts, please help.


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## Dominion (May 16, 2011)

I wish you the best in your decision. I would like to give you a couple of things to think about (because I truly don't know the answers):
1. Try to see yourself in 25 years from now. I think that will help you put today in perspective.
2. In my experience communication, or lack of, is a two way street. But, if you cannot communicate your relationship cannot survive.
3. Finally, what are the real issues? You said things have been rocky from the start (5 years ago) but that you've only lived together for 3. Something was bothering you before and you overlooked it. What changed?


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## this life (May 18, 2011)

I think i understand how you feeling... I am in a similar situation.. after our wedding things started to go down the drain... you ask yourself "is this man the man I use to date???"...

in a relationship where there is lack of communication or even when there's communications but it seems that you both are speaking different languages... its hard.. and it just gets worse with time.. up to the point that you just prefer not to talk anymore to avoid anymore stress, arguments or disappointments...

try to give some time... have you tried to explain him?? have you asked him how and what is he feeling regarding all this??

whatever decision you take I hope you find what you want in it. 
Good Luck!


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## rebootingnow (May 3, 2011)

Relationships take WORK. You both need to contribute some effort in communicating your feelings, desires, wants and needs. And you need to respect each other. And this is hard stuff to do all the time. But days become weeks, and so on. Next thing you know it's been years and you haven't drilled down on simple issues that can cause a big rift. 

I regret not being frankly honest when my feelings were hurt or my needs not met, or trying to get my wife's feedback on how I could help her meet hers.

If you haven't tried MC, you should both look into this. It's never too late to try. And you might find out you really aren't that far apart.

I wish you well in your journey.


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## unhappilyeverafter6m (May 15, 2011)

It's hard for me to think about 25 years from now, I would like to see myself happy...but continuing the way we are now, it's hard to imagine that it will get to that point. I used to tippy toe around my true feelings in effort to spare his, now, I say everything in hopes to effect him someway -have you ever heard the saying deny deny deny lie lie lie. That's him, he'll come out immediately defending himself then spinning the truth telling me I'm the crazy one. We have tried going to counseling... He would say things there that he had never said to me which definately changed situations. It was strange that he would be more open in front of someone else then in front of me (not typical of him) but happy it was happening but still skeptical. So I thought a.) he's becoming more open and honest and if that's the case we don't need a third party or b.) he's lying. I think MC should be the next step again, a third party might shed some light on the perspectives we are taking. That's for all the help advice and encouragement!!!


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## VLR (May 15, 2011)

I read some things that make your husband sound a bit too much like me or at least how I used to be (probably still am, more than I ought to be.) Yet it makes me empathize with you rather than with him. 
It strikes me that your marriage is where it is just 6 months along. I don't recommend marriage counseling, but rather personal counseling from a licensed professional for you. As you learn how to face who you are and how to begin building healthy relationships, he will notice the difference and either freak out, opt out or opt in.
You can be on the path to personal health and happiness with or without him. You are all that is within your control.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

The saying goes "For better or for worse" but what if it is the other way around? What if you need to get through the storms first in order to find paradise?
It's just something to think about.

Have you read the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman? That book really opened my eyes to a lot of things that I didn't realize before.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Remember, the saying "the first year is the hardest" Don't be a stepping stool though. Everyone deserves to be acknowledged in life.


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