# Found wife's e-mails



## BrokenTrust (Mar 8, 2009)

Hello all. I am new here.
I found out on Valentines Day this year that my wife has been e-mailing a friend of ours about her feelings for him. She has been to his house on a few occasions that I know of by herself, and she talked to him on the phone. Which wasn't to much of a big deal, we were all friends. The e-mails weren't to sexually graphic in nature, but it was there. The irony about the e-mails that I found was the first one that I found was dated Valentines Day 2008. I had a feeling something wasn't right several months ago and I asked her about her friendship with our friend and she swore it was nothing, just a friend. I asked her this more than once and always the same responce, just friends. My wife had lied about the friendship for over a year. 
We have been married for 26 years and I love wife as much now as I did when we were first married. I have never cheated on my wife nor have I strayed away at any time.
Here is my problem, I love my wife dearly and for whatever reason I still trust her. But I am having a very hard time getting over this. Am I reading to much into the e-mails she sent? I believe her when she says there was nothing physical. But it still tears me up when I think about it. Not sure where I am going with this post, probably just venting.
Thanks for " listening "


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

You know what you know.
Trust your gut. If you have been with her 26 years you should be able to tell when her behavior isn't "normal" for her.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

My ex had an emotional affair as well. Trust your instincts. The "were just friends" comment is a dead giveaway. I never did know the contents of the text messages as he deleted them every day. The cell bills though indicated 800-1000 text messages to her per month. That was very telling. I really feel for you. It's hell what you're going through. There are many posts in regards to emotional affairs. They may be able to help you. Good Luck and take care of yourself.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You need to print out the e-mails. spread them over the floor. With crunched up wet tissues intermixed. Then leave before she gets home. Wait till she calls you. When she does. Tell her you talked to your friend and he told you everything. If she asks you "what did he say" You will know that they had sex. Or if she says "he's lying", they had sex. If she says good, I'm glad you found out. And explains that it was an EA. They may not have had sex. DO NOT LET HER HANG UP AND CALL HIM. TELL HER "IF YOU HANG UP ON ME, THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE ME WE WILL BE IN FRONT OF A JUDGE AT OUR DIVORCE. You just want to hear it from her now before you come home. She will probably tell you everything at that point. Do this if you really want to know what she did.


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## blindsided (Nov 29, 2008)

I agree. Trust your instincts.

I've been married 27 years myself. You might want to go back and read my story. 

This is nothing to let slide, and NO, you are NOT overreacting. If it bothers you, that's a legitimate issue.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Let me tell you my story. I believe a spouse should trust the other, so I did that. Despite 500-600 texts per month to another woman who was just a friend. Some were legit, as we had her babysit our children. He abused that trust and even before the physical affair he was telling her things about our life he shouldn't have. My instincts were to put my foot down. I did and he was very apologetic said she often texted him, he'd respond (true by the phone bill she always initiated) and she wanted to get his advice about a boyfriend issue that he was like an older brother to her. Maybe that's how it started but it didn't end there. When I saw things heat up, I confronted him this time he was angry and I was overreacting. I didn't they'd been sleeping together for 4 1/2 months before my gut told me what was going on, he denied it for another 1 1/2 month then I found photos he'd emailed her and explicit messages. I kicked him out and as part of coming back he confessed all of it and he admits he took advantage of my trust and it truly did start out as just a casual friendship that got out of hand. 

If it makes you feel upset and uncomfortable, she should stop doing it.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Confront her about the emails and tell her that she has a choice to make. Plain and simple. No explanations, no negotiations. "You have a choice to make." End of sentence.

Following is an e-mail sent from my wife to one of her co-workers The subject line was "Time & Place":



> How can a person stay in a state of arousal all day?, I ask myself. I guess it is different for a female verses a male. Women can quitely go about their day and no one will know but herself. A soft look here, whispered words there and an occasional touch is what keeps the warmth flowing all day. I feel no remorse or shame for my state of urgency. However, I long for completion.
> Yours,
> (My Wife)


~Moog


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Oh the ah EMOTIONAL AFFAIR huh well she is really wrong she is married and well should have left that in the past she needs to know what she wants and you also. Not fair for you knobody should be the second best in a marriage.


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## BrokenTrust (Mar 8, 2009)

Thanks for all of the comments. It has been almost a month since I first found my wife's emails. Since then she has completely stopped emailing the other guy and has been very apologetic for the whole incident. She told me that there was never any physical contact and that it was all email and just talk. She never blamed anyone but herself for what happened. She said it was just a phase in her life and when our friend and her started emailing each other about posting pictures of Jeeps and trail runs on offroad forums, the emails started to move toward more personal issues.( My wife and I both have Jeeps and we go out on quite a bit of trail runs, as does our former friend. ) My wife and I now spend more time together than we have in a long time. I still LOVE the hell out of my wife, always have and always will. She openly lets me read any emails that she has sent or recieved. As many have posted " trust your gut, trust your instinct and you know what you know." My wife and I are moving forward with our life together. I trust her more and more each day, I have told her that I forgive her for what happened. She is always there if I need to vent. But there is one thing she cannot help with and that is the pain of remembering what happened. Time heals all wounds, I hope.
If I can say but one thing to ALL and that is, Don't get stuck in a rut.
Marriage is moving forward in a very positive direction. :smthumbup:
Thank you to all


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## DB in PA (Feb 25, 2009)

I understand...if these are only expressing feeling right now, then go to counsling and the two of you work together to fix it.

Do not keep it and dwell on it..it will kill you inside man. that's what it did to me.

The emails I found from my wife to him and so forth were much more than feelings...very sex graphic. 

You need help to fix it before the feelings become sexual desire!!

Good Luck


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## findingpeace (Mar 14, 2009)

You need to tell your wife it is inappropiate to talk to him in that manner you are married tell her it really bothers you. if she loves you she should quit but if it continues be sure it is more than a just friends relationship good luck


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## BrokenTrust (Mar 8, 2009)

Well it's going so so, good and not so good. Wife says there was never anything physical between the two of them, I also asked the friend and he said the same thing, almost word for word. But for some reason I am not so sure. Why would you hide something such as the emails for over a year and lie about it the whole time? The emails weren't that bad, not worth trying to hide and lie about. Just a feeling that I have that there was more to it than the emails.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Look. Trust your instincts. My instincts here say there was physical. This is exactly how my experience with my wife cheating on me started. Its amazing the pattern I'm seeing in relation with my experience! She did the email thing too. I confronted about the email thing. She was all apologetic. She went out on a limb after that. She was too nice. 
Then she would have these weird fits. It would usually be in the morning when she was getting ready for work...when she would try to find something to wear. She would get upset, say she is ugly or fat or whatever. Then she would turn on me and just cause a polemic. Then she would say something like "I knew this wouldnt work out" or "I want to break up".
Then leave for work.

Between those fits, she would be extra nice. Act all horny with me and want me.

One day she had one of the fits and said we should break up. I took her up on it and said I was tired of her treating me this way. I said I would pack my bags. She then called me from work and said that she slept with him (the friend). 

I knew something was wrong from the get go, but these people make you think you are jealous and crazy and imagining things. Her emails were also not that explicit or graphic. Just flirty like, easy to brush off.


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## BrokenTrust (Mar 8, 2009)

Tim said:


> Look. Trust your instincts. My instincts here say there was physical. This is exactly how my experience with my wife cheating on me started. Its amazing the pattern I'm seeing in relation with my experience! She did the email thing too. I confronted about the email thing. She was all apologetic. She went out on a limb after that. She was too nice.
> Then she would have these weird fits. It would usually be in the morning when she was getting ready for work...when she would try to find something to wear. She would get upset, say she is ugly or fat or whatever. Then she would turn on me and just cause a polemic. Then she would say something like "I knew this wouldnt work out" or "I want to break up".
> Then leave for work.
> 
> ...


Oh man that sucks. You just nailed everything except my wife hasn't said anything about wanting to break up but she has said I should have kicked her to the curb. That's scary.
Thanks


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Broken Trust, 

Tell her you still feel like you can't go all in with her. Tell her that you so want to get past this. Tell her you would like her to take a polygraph test, so you can put all this behind you and move forward. Tell her that she should jump at the chance if it restores trust in her. I was on another site (MB) and a husband had been dealing with his wife's EA. It went on for a year also. This was three years ago. He was depressed and ready to leave. He just could not see it going a year without PA. There was also a lot of alcohol involved. After pressure from the board, he asked her to take one. She agreed. They went and had the test. She passed with flying colors. He was so elated and thankful that we pushed him to do it. He literally said, that overnight he changed and was happy again. I am trusting that the outcome will be the same for you. This is more about you putting things to rest then finding out if she cheated. You have to remove doubt. It will poison your marriage. Don't you want to be able to look at her and not wonder. I know what you're thinking. How could it go on for a year, with what they said and the pictures and it not have gone PA? Think about it. It is still close enough to the event for her to do it out of guilt.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Not to be an ass, but if my wife took a polygraph before i found out what really happened, she would have passed with flying colors and actually, that would have given her the feeling that she got away with it. 

Some people are better liars than others. Polygraph just measures your physical responses to a question. My wife was SO smooth. She could look you straight in the eye and tell you something you knew for a fact was not true about her or about what she did and she wouldn't break a sweat. She was otherwise a very bad liar when it came to things that were of no consequence to her, like a practical joke or hiding surprise. 

From my experience with my lying wife, you need to approach her like you know something undeniable. This will undoubtedly piss her off, and she might try to leave in order to avoid the situation, but dont get caught up in it. Make sure that you leave your lines of communication open. Its tricky, almost like an art, so there's no way I can just tell you how to do it, but I will say that the key is to offer as little info as possible, be vague. Make sure to tell her that you cherish honesty the most in a relationship and that if there is no honesty there can be no trust or forgiveness. I would also do it away from home, away from her safety zones. Be ultra nice leading up to it.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

funny cause my wife told me when I broke up with her. I think she felt I was serious and that it really WAS over, so she came clean because it wasn't of consequence anymore (had no more bearing on the relationship).


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## BrokenTrust (Mar 8, 2009)

I love my wife dearly and would still give my life for her. Problem is at times I truly wonder if life is worth living with the pain. I have no doubt in my mind that I will never forget. I could not imagine living without her, I cant imagine living the way I am now. Something as simple as my wife having an emotional affair is killing me little by little. I can't imagine what couples go through when the affair gets physical. I hope this gets easier to cope with.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

There could an deep emotional bond that was never consummated, as she does not want to cheat. It is very common in a longterm marriage to fantasy about "what if." I have done it alot, but never acted out in real life. I am extremely jealous, so if my husband was emailing a women or chatting (which I know he is) I would be suspicious, but what can I say to stop him? His defense would always be, we are "just friends." It's complicated. Good luck.


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## zwilson50 (Mar 26, 2009)

Initfortheduration said:


> You need to print out the e-mails. spread them over the floor. With crunched up wet tissues intermixed. Then leave before she gets home. Wait till she calls you. When she does. Tell her you talked to your friend and he told you everything. If she asks you "what did he say" You will know that they had sex. Or if she says "he's lying", they had sex. If she says good, I'm glad you found out. And explains that it was an EA. They may not have had sex. DO NOT LET HER HANG UP AND CALL HIM. TELL HER "IF YOU HANG UP ON ME, THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE ME WE WILL BE IN FRONT OF A JUDGE AT OUR DIVORCE. You just want to hear it from her now before you come home. She will probably tell you everything at that point. Do this if you really want to know what she did.


Talk about a passive agressive way to handle the situation. I don't agree that being a ***** is the right way to handle this. Ask her what you want to know. Trust your gut and go from there. You don't have to plan an extravagent way to find your answers.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You call that extravagant? We're talking a box of tissues, printing e-mails and getting up in her grill. You call that being a prick? You are the master of understatement. Just ask her and trust your gut? Trust what? a cheater? Oh yeah, she will obviously confess everything upon request. Stick around awhile and just watch how extravagant the WW and WHs are.


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## BrokenTrust (Mar 8, 2009)

My problem in trusting my gut is that I cant tell if it's a gut feeling or an overactive imagination.


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Big Guy,

What is the story here, is this not your first post.

I found out on Valentines Day this year that my wife has been e-mailing a friend of ours about her feelings for him. 

What did he have great cookie recipes.

So if it your imagination, better get to a mental hospital.

If it is your gut, go ask her. But watch her eyes the gateway to the soul.


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## zwilson50 (Mar 26, 2009)

Initfortheduration said:


> You call that extravagant? We're talking a box of tissues, printing e-mails and getting up in her grill. You call that being a prick? You are the master of understatement. Just ask her and trust your gut? Trust what? a cheater? Oh yeah, she will obviously confess everything upon request. Stick around awhile and just watch how extravagant the WW and WHs are.


I call that being a pu$$y!!! Print the emails, spread them on the floor, and sprinkle in some water soaked tissues. Why don't you put some red food coloring on the tissues and emails for theatrical effect. C'mon man!!!


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## Hardened Heart (Apr 8, 2009)

Okay, I would suggest printing off the e-mails and letting her know you are aware of the situation going on and look at her inthe eyes and say to her -look I know whats going on here and I am tired of you pulling me along- now either you are in this with me for the long hall or your not. 

I mean 26yrs of marriage is a long time. Is there something here we don't know? Usually there is something missing from everyones story etc. How is your marriage over all?


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

BrokenTrust said:


> My problem in trusting my gut is that I cant tell if it's a gut feeling or an overactive imagination.


Ok, tread carefully here. 
You are falling/have fallen into her web of deceit. 
This happened to me and it absolutely destroyed me in the end, especially when the truth came out.
Do not go down this path my friend. 

Stick to what you know.

1. you do not trust her and rightfully so.
2. she is a habitual liar.
3. she has written love letters to another man
4. she has deliberately lied about it all, and never came clean on her own volition.

Remember those 4 points, always. Thats not your imagination.

If you let the self doubt take over, in the end you will be left angry and betrayed. 

Tell me, why are you with her? What is she doing for YOU?
Is it the sex? Do you see hope because the sex is good? Do you give and give and give only to be left waiting for her to reciprocate? How many years have you been waiting?

I suggest getting out, as hard as that sounds. Trust me, years from now you will remember everyone saying that.


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## Fritz (Apr 3, 2009)

Good luck


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