# Domestic duties and marriage



## razgor (May 8, 2014)

Hey guys,

So me and my wife are working to improve our marriage. As part of that we read the Five Languages of Love book and took the quiz to determine what our major “languages” were. My wifes number 2 point was acts of service. This ranked as my dead last category. For those who have not read the book, acts of service refers to domestic help around the house. However, a central theme here on this site is that woman will not fall back in love with you because you vacuumed the house or washed the dishes! If anything most men here seem to post that it will have the exact opposite effect! 

So how do you men handle the domestic duties. Especially if your wife wants you to clean the house more and she feels it is important to her. For some background my wife is a clean freak and is a little nit picky. For example if I wash the dishes, but don’t wipe the counter tops before relaxing after dinner she gets annoyed. Even if I wipe them down 20-30 minutes latter. Part of me gets annoyed with her, because she expects that stuff to be done before chilling out. So I have pushed back, saying I will get it done, just not right at the instant she wants me too. But is that the right thing to do?

How do you guys balance out being a domestic king with not feeling like a beta butler!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I cook a lot (and damn good gourmet stuff), wash dishes, occasional laundry and run all sorts of errands

yet my wife hasn't fallen out of love for me, and we have identified her love language as being acts of service

stop living life to what you perceive a traditional role should be and make yourself and your wife happy

also, you'll often find that the "out of the norm" acts of service often gets a more positive response- an example would be stopping to get a coffee on the way home (my wife loves her coffee) or organize something of hers that is messy, etc


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We both do pretty much any household chore, but typically she does them more often as she has more time. We do many together as it's faster and easier. It's not at all about traditional roles or alpha/beta scenarios or love languages (we've got all those covered), but about getting things done if and when needed so there's time for undistracted fun.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

if both spouses work then household chores should be divided evenly. Just sit down and make a list of what you will do and what she will do. Things like the dishes after a meal should be done by her since they bother her so much. You pick up the slack on areas you're more concerned with. Simple


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## razgor (May 8, 2014)

Almostrecovered said:


> I cook a lot (and damn good gourmet stuff), wash dishes, occasional laundry and run all sorts of errands
> 
> yet my wife hasn't fallen out of love for me, and we have identified her love language as being acts of service
> 
> ...


I have noticed that she responds very well to the "out of the norm" acts of service. So that is definitely a positive note. For instance I get up earlier then here and bring her a cup of coffee when she wakes ups.

However, I guess where I struggle is when I do not clean the instant she wants me too. Here is an example. We have two kids and we each put one to bed. She will get annoyed if I am done first and sit on the couch for a bit before tidying up. I will state that I will tidy up in a few minutes, but she will get annoyed and start doing it herself. It kills her to sit on the couch for a few minutes and at the same time I feel like a slave if I have to complete every single chore right away.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Well that's a different animal altogether
5 years ago my wife and I worked on ending passive aggressive behavior like that
Have a talk about trying to work together on such behaviors


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your wife have a job? If yes, how many hours a week does she work?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## razgor (May 8, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Does your wife have a job? If yes, how many hours a week does she work?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She works three days a week. I work five days a week. On her days off she is with the kids. We have a sitter when she is working.


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## razgor (May 8, 2014)

Almostrecovered said:


> Well that's a different animal altogether
> 5 years ago my wife and I worked on ending passive aggressive behavior like that
> Have a talk about trying to work together on such behaviors


Yes, that is probably the better way to frame the conversation with her.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

My advice is that you be very careful about what you chose as your share of the duties. Over time it will become apparent which chores she hates most. Those should be top considerations. Next find chores that reflect what she is attracted to in you. If she likes a manly man (most women do) chose the manly chores. These include, garbage hauling, toilet cleaning, drain cleaning, woodwork care, polish and dusting, pest control, outdoor cooking, and vehicle maintenance. I also recommend sharing in the after meal cleanup. Your mileage may vary. 
There are two situations where guys get in trouble with the housework thing. One is they ignored housework for years and they think one month or one year is going to overcome all that resentment. They usually take on a bunch of duties then when changes in the relationship don't happen quickly they stop and they are worse off than they were to start with. (women play a part in this, if he changes his behavior and doesn't get a reward he will not be conditioned to the new behavior). The second situation is where he takes on a duty she asks for, She adds a new duty, he takes that on she adds yet another duty . . . . . Subconsciously she is testing his boundaries. She may not even realize it. Soon he is doing all the work and she is a princess. The thing neither of them figured on was that princesses don't run off with the stable boy / maid, they go looking for a new prince charming. The trick in this situation is to know when to put your foot down and say no. In your case you need to make sure she is getting enough acts of service, and that you are not a door mat. 

To illustrate this I fold laundry and cook, not on the manly list. But my wife has always appreciated that I stand up to her mother, who is a very bossy woman. Now if MIL needs her tire changed, I'm on it. But, if MIL wants to tell me how to grill a burger, "just go sit over there granny and I'll bring you some when I'm done".
MN


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

razgor said:


> I will state that I will tidy up in a few minutes, but she will get annoyed and start doing it herself. It kills her to sit on the couch for a few minutes and at the same time I feel like a slave if I have to complete every single chore right away.


This is an O K place to put your foot down.


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

I look at it this way. 

Doing housework will not turn her on, but not pulling your weight around the house will turn her off.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

For a household chore to be considered an act of service for your wife, it would have to be assumed that all household chores are 100% her responsibility. They are not. It gets you no bonus points if you do something that is your responsibiliy. But if you do not do something that is your responsibility, its a huge love buster. So you doing dishes after dinner is simply you sharing in the household responsiblities.* You getting her coffee is an act of service. 

Now about the dishes and dirty counter thing. When you walk away and leave a dirty counter you are the one being passive aggressive. Its a 2 to 5 minute job. It takes more effort to walk away and then have to come back. When you leave the counters dirty she has no idea if you will come back and finish. I read an adult stopping a job when 90% done as an in your face, passive I aggressive way of saying.... y ou cannot make me do it. This is the kind of stuff that eats away at a relationship. ...one love buster at a time. 

After this sort of thinggoing on for a long time, it just might be an act of service for you wife if you just did the counters right after the dishes. Are the dishes really so exhausting that you need to rest for a while afterwards?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> For a household chore to be considered an act of service for your wife, it would have to be assumed that all household chores are 100% her responsibility. They are not. It gets you no bonus points if you do something that is your responsibiliy. But if you do not do something that is your responsibility, its a huge love buster. So you doing dishes after dinner is simply you sharing in the household responsiblities.* You getting her coffee is an act of service.
> 
> Now about the dishes and dirty counter thing. When you walk away and leave a dirty counter you are the one being passive aggressive. Its a 2 to 5 minute job. It takes more effort to walk away and then have to come back. When you leave the counters dirty she has no idea if you will come back and finish. I read an adult stopping a job when 90% done as an in your face, passive I aggressive way of saying.... y ou cannot make me do it. This is the kind of stuff that eats away at a relationship. ...one love buster at a time.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

My husband works and as of very recently I am at home. I do all of the 'inside' work around the house and do a couple of choirs outside, where DH will do the garden stuff. 
Because I get everything done in the house I never need him to lift a finger here but he will always offer to do the dishes after a meal which I appreciate. I don't NEED him to do it but the fact he offers with the intention of doing it pleases me, it does not make me see him in an unattractive light. 
This is just an example but just because he offers (and would do it if i needed him to) to help me outside of his allocated responsibilities I find that very attractive.
I believe a real man will at least offer to help his wife, and it seems this is very important to your wife. As elegirl says it shows your wife you don't take her needs seriously when you wash the dishes and don't wipe the counter tops as the same time. What if she has plans to go back into the kitchen to make a coffee... trying to do that with dirty counter tops isn't nice, and because it is a job half done she might think to herself 'may as well have done it all myself anyway'...
As far as her wanting you to complete other tasks immediately I would be talking to her about that. It is reasonable to expect something that needs doing to be done that day, but there is no need to demand it be done NOW.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

razgor said:


> How do you guys balance out being a domestic king with not feeling like a beta butler!


Doing your fair share does not mean working under her supervision. 

I cook because I like to. --Not quite a candidate for Iron Chef, but still pretty decent.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

razgor said:


> However, I guess where I struggle is when I do not clean the instant she wants me too. Here is an example. We have two kids and we each put one to bed. She will get annoyed if I am done first and sit on the couch for a bit before tidying up. I will state that I will tidy up in a few minutes, but she will get annoyed and start doing it herself. It kills her to sit on the couch for a few minutes and at the same time I feel like a slave if I have to complete every single chore right away.


I see hints of obsessive/compulsive behavior in your wife as you describe her. 

Anyway, marriage always involves compromise. I would suggest framing things this way - tell her you BOTH have to adjust a bit to living with one another. It's your house too, and at least half the time you get to decide how and when things will get done. If she won't listen to you, or won't take you seriously, then I suggest a marriage counselor or a neutral third party to help you two find a compromise that you both can live with.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
sharing chores means sharing - not one person in charge. Its ok to tell your wife that you will do your fair share (if you do), but for her to please not interrupt you to do chores - you will get to them. 

You can also do the difficult / dangerous / dirty jobs to avoid the wimp feeling. Climbing on ladders and stuff involving power tools is fair game


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

In a previous marriage it all pretty well balanced out. She took care of the inside minus remodeling & repairing appliances; I took care of the outside & cars minus the flowers. Actually I spent a lot more time taking care of the home because it was older and was always needing something fixed.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I think those who take issue with men doing chores is when a man is being relegated to do the lion's share of domestic duty at the expense of his masculinity...particularly when he has already handed the keys of his manhood to his wife

I think most women would for the most part love when their spouse take initiative with housework and chores...but respect levels may be at risk if husband is over-accommodating via domestic usefulness to validate his worthiness to wife. 

To me, a wife's negative reaction to her husband's housework is steeped in a preexisting marital condition where her perspective may be already looking for areas of criticism and the male's motivation may be coming from one who views himself deficient in the balance of power. His domestic mindfulness may result in adding a repulsed reaction from an already-drifting spouse.

When a man does something from his own power reserve and initiative, without looking for something in return...then I think that would actually be a turn on to women. Again, when a man is looking for validation from his wife in what he does, this, in my mind, would be emotionally draining and repulsive to his wife.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FormerSelf said:


> I think those who take issue with men doing chores is when a man is being relegated to do the lion's share of domestic duty at the expense of his masculinity...particularly when he has already handed the keys of his manhood to his wife
> 
> I think most women would for the most part love when their spouse take initiative with housework and chores...but respect levels may be at risk if husband is over-accommodating via domestic usefulness to validate his worthiness to wife.
> 
> ...


On one hand I get what you are saying.

But on the other hand... why is it assumed that household chores are the woman's responsibility and if the man gets to do "something from his own power reserve and initiative"?

So women should only do household chores from their own power reserve and initiative? 

This means that household chores are nobodies responsibility, right?

Marriages have different structures today. 70% of all women work. 50% of women earn as much or more than their husbands. But the household chores are the wife's responsibility in all marriages and the man is only supposed to do what he feels like doing?


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> On one hand I get what you are saying.
> 
> But on the other hand... why is it assumed that household chores are the woman's responsibility and if the man gets to do "something from his own power reserve and initiative"? *What I meant by power reserve and initiative is that a man sees what needs to be done and takes care of it...is not waiting for a wife to assign a duty...nor is he performing said duty to win brownie points. I made no assertion that household chores is "women's work". I was only saying that the only way I can see where a women is looking down at her husband for doing domestic duty is a wife who is ALREADY looking down at her husband which would only be magnified if husband is reacting codependently to his wife's disapproval.*
> 
> ...


 *Again, I don't know how I intimated any of that in what I wrote, so I blame it on my poor writing skill. In fact, since I have been sidelined from my cancer treatment/recovery and my wife has landed a very taxing professional job, I am doing all of the domestic duty while my wife is wage-earning...and honestly, I'm a whole hell of a lot better at it then she is! We are both operating from our power reserve and initiation and are very appreciative of what we are each having to tackle...and are making it work. I expect that both spouses share in the load of work, whatever it may be and whatever flows best in their family scenario!*

I could also see how my first paragraph would throw you off...the signifying phrase to me is "relegate" as in some marriages, some women DO expect a more "conventional" approach to house duties, and DO look down upon men who undertake domestic chores...but not for the sake of getting it done, but for the sake of appeasing his wife. In my opinion, it is not the chore that is the negavtive aspect...it is the behaviors, attitudes, and motives of either spouse.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FormerSelf said:


> *Again, I don't know how I intimated any of that in what I wrote, so I blame it on my poor writing skill. In fact, since I have been sidelined from my cancer treatment/recovery and my wife has landed a very taxing professional job, I am doing all of the domestic duty while my wife is wage-earning...and honestly, I'm a whole hell of a lot better at it then she is! We are both operating from our power reserve and initiation and are very appreciative of what we are each having to tackle...and are making it work. I expect that both spouses share in the load of work, whatever it may be and whatever flows best in their family scenario!*


Thanks for clarifying further. I agree with your added text.

You are right that the wife should not be assigning job to her husband. It's a shared responsibility and they should be able to work out the split as peers.

If one spouse start assigning chores to the other, then an assessment is in order. Is it because the assigning spouse is just trying to boss the other around. Or is it because the assignee spouse is just functioning as a peer and is instead shirking responsibilities and then the assignor spouse just gets frustrated.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

My wife and I, share doing the dishes equally (no dishwasher). While we also roughly share laundry work although she does more folding and putting away (because I won't do it). While I do more hanging up the clothes and taking them off the line (because I won't fold).

My wife cooks more than I, although I still cook various dishes that are my speciality a few times a week. I keep the place tidy more than my wife while she cleans the bathroom more than I. We both vacuum pretty equally and change the sheets together.

We both avoid ironing where possible although when it is required I do it most often because I am better at it from years of former military service.

As to the garden we employ a gardener who tries to fix our mutual neglect since we are seldom home to garden. That said, my wife tinkers with a small veggie patch, that she and the kids use to kill a variety of plants except for the weeds.

We don't and have never had a chores list between us, on the other hand we do have various chores that each of our children are required to do throughout the week.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

ocotillo said:


> Doing your fair share does not mean working under her supervision.
> 
> I cook because I like to. --Not quite a candidate for Iron Chef, but still pretty decent.


I agree with this. I cook because I love to , and I clean up after because it's something I actually enjoy doing. But neither my wife nor I " direct " each other on how to perform our housework or yard work. I tried it before and failed miserably , and accept full responsibility because the fault was mine.



Theseus said:


> I see hints of obsessive/compulsive behavior in your wife as you describe her.
> 
> Anyway, marriage always involves compromise. I would suggest framing things this way - tell her you BOTH have to adjust a bit to living with one another. It's your house too, and at least half the time you get to decide how and when things will get done. If she won't listen to you, or won't take you seriously, then I suggest a marriage counselor or a neutral third party to help you two find a compromise that you both can live with.


Theseus, 
I agree 100% with everything in your post.

I know that behavior in his wife is rooted OCD because I am like that and it caused much a lot of misunderstanding early in our marriage. I love to cook and keep things neat and clean. 
I never allowed my wife to do the dishes because she'd pack it a certain way and then I'd pack them over in exact order. 
That kind of dynamic replicated itself .
Whereas it is nice to have a husband involved in housework , it made her unhappy having to do it how and when I said it.

Like Octillo said , she was working under my supervision.

The thing that helped was effective communication and compromise , but that realization only came to me when we both decided that we needed marriage counseling.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Dang blasted women.

Look, if your man says he's going to do something he'll do it. 


There's no need to remind him every six months.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> I cook a lot (and damn good gourmet stuff), wash dishes, occasional laundry and run all sorts of errands
> 
> yet my wife hasn't fallen out of love for me, and we have identified her love language as being acts of service
> 
> ...





Married but Happy said:


> We both do pretty much any household chore, but typically she does them more often as she has more time. We do many together as it's faster and easier. It's not at all about traditional roles or alpha/beta scenarios or love languages (we've got all those covered), but about getting things done if and when needed so there's time for undistracted fun.


Sorry for the previous post, I just couldn't resist.

We operate in a similar way to AR and Married.

I do a good 90% of the cooking, most of the shopping and like to keep the kitchen clean.
I normally clean up after cooking but if it's been a mega cooking session Mrs Wysh will chip in as it's quicker when two do it.

I do some laundry, not very much admittedly, but I do some. Mrs Wysh will sometimes leave me a couple of loads to do, with instructions on the correct setting of the washing machine.

I am typically better employed at hanging out the washing and picking it in although this plays havoc with my photoptarmosis.

I do most of the manly stuff although Mrs Wysh is surprisingly good at DIY.

Mrs Wysh does the bathroom, most of the laundry, hoovering dusting etc.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

In explanation of the above, I work a shift pattern at work of four days on two days off. This means my days off are always changing so this week I was off yesterday and today so it makes sense (to me) that I pick up some of the slack around the house. Next week I will be off Wednesday and Thursday.


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## CluelessWif (Jun 20, 2014)

Here are my thoughts. Take them or leave them.

It's is all about the marriage in question. Some of her comments are concerning, like the fact that there is no downtime right after the kids bedtime. But some of your behavior is concerning as well, like the fact that you can't wipe a counter after doing the dishes.

First step here is to sit down and have a calm discussion when the house is already clean. Use "I" statements. "I really need twenty minutes after the kids go to bed to relax, then we can clean together. You should sit down and watch a show with me." Or "I understand that you want me to wash the counters while doing the dishes. I will make every effort to do that. One of the things bothering me is x. Do you have a suggestion for how we can compromise on this?"

Step 2, if 1 is unsuccessful, MC.


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## razgor (May 8, 2014)

Lots of great feedback here. Let me respond to a few people.



EleGirl said:


> For a household chore to be considered an act of service for your wife, it would have to be assumed that all household chores are 100% her responsibility. They are not. It gets you no bonus points if you do something that is your responsibiliy. But if you do not do something that is your responsibility, its a huge love buster. So you doing dishes after dinner is simply you sharing in the household responsiblities.* You getting her coffee is an act of service.
> 
> Now about the dishes and dirty counter thing. When you walk away and leave a dirty counter you are the one being passive aggressive. Its a 2 to 5 minute job. It takes more effort to walk away and then have to come back. When you leave the counters dirty she has no idea if you will come back and finish. I read an adult stopping a job when 90% done as an in your face, passive I aggressive way of saying.... y ou cannot make me do it. This is the kind of stuff that eats away at a relationship. ...one love buster at a time.
> 
> ...


I usually cook 75% of the time, even on her days off work. It is something I enjoy, and my wife hates cooking. So that works good. Same goes with dishes. That is probably the only thing I am particular about. I always rinse the dishes and then stick in the dishwasher. Nothing grosses me out more then pulling supposedly clean silverware out of the dishwasher and it is dirty. A typical day has me getting home from work and then cooking dinner, then doing dishes and then helping getting the kids to bed with bath and books. So no, wiping down the counters and table is not an onerous task, but dag on I am tired at that point! It is one of those things I neglect. I feel like I am just going, going non stop and want to chill a bit. 

I never really thought of it as being passive-aggressive to her or pushing back. Something for me to think about.





FormerSelf said:


> I think those who take issue with men doing chores is when a man is being relegated to do the lion's share of domestic duty at the expense of his masculinity...particularly when he has already handed the keys of his manhood to his wife
> 
> I think most women would for the most part love when their spouse take initiative with housework and chores...but respect levels may be at risk if husband is over-accommodating via domestic usefulness to validate his worthiness to wife.
> 
> ...


Very interesting read! Thanks for your input.



Caribbean Man said:


> I agree with this. I cook because I love to , and I clean up after because it's something I actually enjoy doing. But neither my wife nor I " direct " each other on how to perform our housework or yard work. I tried it before and failed miserably , and accept full responsibility because the fault was mine.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Besides cooking I also do all the “manly” stuff. Cutting the grass, taking out the trash, any home repair stuff. I also do my own laundry. The wife does her own and the kids. She is very particular about having the clothes folded a certain way. When I did laundry she would re-fold her clothes a certain way. LOL, so a little OCD there for her. Now I fold my own clothes and pile hers up so she can fold them.

Part of the problem is that with two kids, there is *always* something to tidy up! Those two little girls can destroy a room in under ten minutes! So I feel like I already pull my own weight and I get resentful when she gripes about the counter tops or a few toys laying on the floor. 

We are already in counseling for other things. And we had one discussion on this subject. It is probably one of the biggest friction points between us. We split the main chores and she states the split is fair. Yet, she still gets put off with the general “tidying” up. No one is assigned that specific task. It does not bother me if a toy is laying on the floor, but it drives her crazy! After the kids are in bed and working all day, the last thing I feel like doing is picking up odds and ends.

And if she starts tidying up at the end of the night, she gets annoyed if I do not get up and help her.

The whole chore issue had taken a back seat to other discussions. And she has backed off a lot since our marriage is improving. But I just don't want her to simmer and then explode about it!

Ha, it is not fair! My top love language is physical touch. Which was her last one. All she has to do is snuggle and hold hands!


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

razgor said:


> I usually cook 75% of the time, even on her days off work. It is something I enjoy, and my wife hates cooking. So that works good. Same goes with dishes. That is probably the only thing I am particular about. I always rinse the dishes and then stick in the dishwasher. Nothing grosses me out more then pulling supposedly clean silverware out of the dishwasher and it is dirty. A typical day has me getting home from work and then cooking dinner, then doing dishes and then helping getting the kids to bed with bath and books. So no, wiping down the counters and table is not an onerous task, but dag on I am tired at that point! It is one of those things I neglect. I feel like I am just going, going non stop and want to chill a bit.
> 
> I never really thought of it as being passive-aggressive to her or pushing back. Something for me to think about.
> 
> ...


To me, this doesn't sound like a problem with your love languages, or gender, or division of chores or how you fold things. It sounds like a simple difference in philosophical approach.

Your wife needs to have all the chores done before she can relax. She can't relax if she sees mess around her, or even if she knows mess is in another room. It weighs on her mind and she can't let go of it. She also has trouble seeing you goofing off when she knows there is still work to be done. She is a work first party after kind of person. I bet when she was a kid, her homework had to be finished before she could play.

Unlike her, you need to relax in between chores. You can't go nonstop without breaks. You work hard and need to recharge before you do more work. When you were a kid, you probably played between homework subjects to give your brain a mental break.

Your wife worries that when you take a break, you will get distracted and forget that the chore is still waiting (does this sometimes happen?). It also delays her own relaxation. Even if she knows you intend to do the chore later, she still isn't able to relax until it is finished. So she feels that you don't care that she can't relax. When you say you need a break before you can go do it, she feels that you prioritize your own relaxation over hers. Then it's only a small step to feeling that you aren't showing her you love her. She gets jealous that you are relaxing when there is work undone, and so she does it herself just to get to her own relaxation.

You feel nagged by your wife, that she doesn't recognize your efforts as much when they are on your schedule instead of hers. She doesn't show love by touch (which she has a harder time doing when she isn't relaxed, I bet!) as often as you would like, which adds to your feeling of being unappreciated.

Once you recognize this difference in relaxation styles, you can try to do a few things about it. Try doing the chores on her schedule for a week or so, and see if she gets more demonstrative after they're all done. Work on the same chore together, so she sees that you really care about the same things she cares about.

Also, you can work both love languages at the same time. If you really need a break between chores, have a make-out break that involves touch, and her relaxing too. But catch her between chores as well. Don't take your breaks when she is still doing chores, as I doubt she likes being interrupted. Watch her out of the corner of her eye. When she's done bending over and picking up all the toys, massage her shoulders for just a minute or two, then announce you're off to make the lunches for tomorrow and go do that. Also, I bet visible reminders of mess are especially annoying to her. Prioritize the chores that have the most visual impact, and she may be less bothered by the undone ones that she can't see as easily.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

razgor said:


> Hey guys,
> 
> So me and my wife are working to improve our marriage. As part of that we read the Five Languages of Love book and took the quiz to determine what our major “languages” were. My wifes number 2 point was acts of service. This ranked as my dead last category. For those who have not read the book, acts of service refers to domestic help around the house. However, a central theme here on this site is that woman will not fall back in love with you because you vacuumed the house or washed the dishes! If anything most men here seem to post that it will have the exact opposite effect!
> 
> ...


I suggest buying yourself an apron and cute little skirt.

Then tell your wife to be grateful for anything you %#@*^*%! do around the house and if isn't satisfied with how or when you help out, she can always fire you as maid.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

razgor, btw, here's a guy tool from the Guy Manual, chapter 91, section 32, subsection 1, par 3 (e) iii.

When I got married again, I told wifey Id handle the laundry. Then I made certain she sees me putting the whites in with the colors to wash. She told me on the spot to never again to the laundry. Same with ironing... royally mess up one of her whatevers and now I am banned from that chore as well.

Catch the drift....


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## marriedandlonely (Nov 7, 2011)

I feel it depends on the person I have a brother that had afirst marriage as a slave who did just about everything and it eventually ended
Since finding a new partner he was suprised to find that she had never had a meal cooked for her and this time around his new mate makes him sit and relax he says it takes some getting used to 
SO I'M AFRAID MY FRIEND IT IS MOSTLY UP TO YOU feel as you go
and if you start to feel un appreciated make sure your wife knows,and make sure she knows she is appreciated


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Despite my recent posts, wifey and I split the shores. I love to grill and make a lot of dinners. She loves to bake and does a lot of that. Since she works from home she does a lot of the house cleaning, but I do my fair share and always help when asked. In turn, I do most the yardwork chores.

What matters most is working together as a team.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> razgor, btw, here's a guy tool from the Guy Manual, chapter 91, section 32, subsection 1, par 3 (e) iii.
> 
> When I got married again, I told wifey Id handle the laundry. Then I made certain she sees me putting the whites in with the colors to wash. She told me on the spot to never again to the laundry. Same with ironing... royally mess up one of her whatevers and now I am banned from that chore as well.
> 
> Catch the drift....


Well you joke but when we first met we lived together for a while so this must be the best part of thirty years ago.

I washed some white bed sheets and decided to throw some yellow dusters in with the load.

She has never forgotten this.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> To me, this doesn't sound like a problem with your love languages, or gender, or division of chores or how you fold things. It sounds like a simple difference in philosophical approach.
> 
> Your wife needs to have all the chores done before she can relax. She can't relax if she sees mess around her, or even if she knows mess is in another room. It weighs on her mind and she can't let go of it. She also has trouble seeing you goofing off when she knows there is still work to be done. She is a work first party after kind of person. I bet when she was a kid, her homework had to be finished before she could play.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

This is really great advice.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

WyshIknew said:


> Well you joke but when we first met we lived together for a while so this must be the best part of thirty years ago.
> 
> I washed some white bed sheets and decided to throw some yellow dusters in with the load.
> 
> She has never forgotten this.


Hell hath no furry like that of a woman whose laundry has been scorned.


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## razgor (May 8, 2014)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> To me, this doesn't sound like a problem with your love languages, or gender, or division of chores or how you fold things. It sounds like a simple difference in philosophical approach.
> 
> Your wife needs to have all the chores done before she can relax. She can't relax if she sees mess around her, or even if she knows mess is in another room. It weighs on her mind and she can't let go of it. She also has trouble seeing you goofing off when she knows there is still work to be done. She is a work first party after kind of person. I bet when she was a kid, her homework had to be finished before she could play.
> 
> ...


That is really great advice! Thanks for the tips.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

When meeting her love language, HOW you do it is every bit as important as what you do. What if she gave you pity sex? Would that meet your love language.

You have to do things in a natural way. You have to "own" it. You have to make sure you are not getting nagged. You have to make sure you are not getting mistreated. You have to make sure that what you do is working.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I clean. Not as much as I should to be honest. 

My wife isn't a nag, therefore she doesn't nag me about cleaning. I don't respond to nagging or demanding; that's the worst way to get through to me. Just not that kind of person.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm pretty sure there is nothing I could do to the laundry that would be worse than letting her do it. Truthfully I did mess with folding the towels wrong intentionally. Right in front of her. Got me out of folding towels for a few years. I must wonder if she took a page out of that playbook though. I started doing laundry because I hated rifling through a basket to find my clothes.
MN


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