# PLEASE help me!! Physical ABUSE!!??



## Swells (May 13, 2017)

_*PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME.*_
---I fear I may be becoming a victim of verbal,
emotional, and even *Sexual and Physical ABUSE.*

If you think you can give good advise, please contact my personal email at _{removed personal email address ~EleGirl}_

Sorry in advance for being lengthy. 

Background: My husband and I met in high school (I was 14, he 18 --- now I'm 20 and he is 23) and dated for five years, more on than off. We have been married for nearly 5 full months now. We have experienced many ups and downs along the way. (Here is where things get a little scattered.) 

About a year and a half to two years into our relationship I found out that he had an addiction to porn - which I was not okay with at all. Understanding an addiction, I knew it was something that couldn't change in an instant. I confronted him about it, and he broke down hysterically. Claimed that he was very sorry, (we were riding down the road when I confronted him, he was driving) and he couldn't lose me, and if he couldn't have me he would drive us both off of a cliff or commit suicide. NOTE: I hadn't mentioned leaving him, he was just freaking out that he had been caught.

I had already figured out far before this that I was dating a very jealous, very angry person. There were times when he would ask me to stop talking to innocent people in my life, delete them from social media and everything. Male and female. I was a very outgoing person before, but now I have no social life and I am afraid to. He would also get angry at NOTHING. I mean literally, if someone doesn't lay down a card that he wants while playing and he loses, (or if he is just losing) he will get so mad and quit. Like a child's tantrum.

I noticed in the past that he would pull on me or shove me lightly when he was upset with me, I didn't like it but never said or done anything about it, thinking it was nothing. 

He doesn't care to degrade my parents (which are my world), the very few friends I have, and every once in awhile me. This breaks my heart, and I've talked to him about it, but he never takes blame for anything. He always goes in a dead end speech about how I'm never happy, he didn't do anything, and its all my fault. ---While I'm at it, his road rage is terrifying, and he will scream at me if I try to calm him.

We split up a couple of times when we were dating, once about a year and a half before we got married. We were apart for 3 months and got back together. I had just moved 80 miles away to start college, and decided I couldn't handle it anymore. We always fought, I couldn't speak without confrontation, and I graduated H/S with no friends from being so sheltered. He drove to my house in the middle of the night and made a fool of himself. Crying (which makes since after about 3 and a half years) but he kept grabbing and pulling at me, running in and out of the house, and even vomited in our yard. Also threatened suicide again.

Fast forwarding, we had 3 months to take time for ourselves and start again. He came back into the relationship like he had been at a monk temple the whole time?! So quiet, sincere and at peace. I thought everything was great, and I had my best friend back. He allowed me to have friends and everything. This lasted for a very good while. Eventually though, that anger and jealousy began to come back. We got engaged though, and I'n just a few short months, we were married. 

INSTANTLY when we got back from our honeymoon, he was different. Mad, bad mood, pushy, grouchy, distant and (It didn't really matter to me, but I just found it strange.) Did not want to have sex at all. Every once in awhile he would want sex, and he wanted it RIGHT THEN, no matter how busy I was or what I was doing. He definitely started to develop a problem of invading my personal space.

NOTE again: I am very much afraid to disagree with him or talk about feelings, because they always lead to confrontation.
Finally though, I tried to civilly speak with him about what might have been on his mind to cause such a drastic change, and even said that I am pinning no blame on him, that I was sure to be at fault to. This resulted in screaming and hours of fighting. He finally said it was "resolved" and just a week later it was back to how it had been.

We used to talk all of the time, and now he will not speak to me at all, but when he does talk, its normally about his co-workers which are all his age and female. He said he isn't a talkative person and I just have to suck it up and deal with it.

At this point I had started to become disheartened with my marriage, things were getting very hairy at only 2 1/2 months in. But being the "bottle it up type" I have been doing just that. Taking everything that has been going on. --- Might I add real quick, that at this point in time, there is NO communication, (which makes me pull away from him as well) and when he wants his sex, he has to have it or he is PISSED and everything is my fault.

So I attempted to have a talk about our communication 3 days ago, and it blew up exactly as I had expected. This time as I tried to calmly walk away during his explosion, ----- he grabs my arm very hard, and starts to jerk me very forcefully. I tried to swat at him but he jerked harder, and pinned me to the wall and would not allow me to move. This is the point that I truly became afraid of my relationship. I told him minutes later after he let me go not to grab me like that again, his reply was for me not to walk away from him again. Is this physical abuse? Or am I crazy?

The next day, I guess feeling bad for his actions, brings me a new lotion, and Starbucks. But by 2 days after, communication has started to drift again already. An angry human. And GOD forbid he doesn't get his sex.

I now have sex with my husband be I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO. Is that okay?

I am very depressed, and even becoming afraid of him physically. I have been afraid emotionally and verbally for a long time now. 
I am afraid of being judged if I leave him, and it won't be for the lack of trying to save us if I leave, believe me.

Do I have the right reasons to leave? or am I just being petty?

PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

You have every reason to leave. Any physical contact that you don't want is a form of abuse. 

Can you go to your family? Stay with them while you contact a lawyer to help with a divorce.


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

You really don't want to post your personal email on an open forum.


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## Swells (May 13, 2017)

Actually we live in my parents basement, but we still have our privacy. So they have no clue whats going on, but they know that I have been acting incredibly strange lately. They know he is a very angry and harsh person, but I think they bite their tongues for my sake.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I think he needs a psychological evaluation. He needs anti-anxiety medication. Or, he needs to stay on them if he has already been prescribed these. Sounds like Border Personality Disorder.
@Uptown come on over and help this lady. Thanks!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*You need an exit plan in place and right now! No one deserves treatment like that!

Until you exit, if he ever forcefully touches you again, you need to call the local police or sheriffs department and report it!

He needs serious psychological counseling! 

Please keep us abreast of the situation!*


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

The man's got big time problems.

you cannot tolerate this much longer, or even any more at all.
believe it, this is not a normal relationship on his end.
love should be a tender bonding experience, and in good marriages it is, not a 'give it to me or
else!' That's the behavior of a brute.

stay with your folks for a while if you can until you find a safe place more permanent.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

@*SunCMars*, thanks for the callout!

Swells, I agree with *Sun* that you're describing classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I also agree with @*rockon* that you should remove your email address from this public forum. Perhaps @*farsidejunky* can help you with that while also sharing his experiences on BPD issues. 

Shortly, I will post information explaining what BPD red flags to look for. Yet, because BPD is strongly associated with violence and impulsiveness, I want to quickly give a callout to @*EleGirl,* who is very knowledgeable about actions to take ASAP to protect yourself.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Swells, as @*SunCMars* observes above, the childish abusive behaviors you describe are symptoms for BPD. Specifically, the irrational anger, controlling actions, easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, verbal and physical abuse, and black-white thinking -- are classic warning signs for BPD. Importantly, I'm not suggesting your H has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he may exhibit strong traits of it.



Swells said:


> Claimed that... if he couldn't have me he would drive us both off of a cliff or commit suicide.


_"Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats"_ is one of the 9 defining traits for BPD. Because that trait also includes _"self harming behavior, such as cutting,"_ you might want to check his arms for razor scars. The complete list of BPD symptoms is shown at 9 BPD Traits at NIMH.



> I hadn't mentioned leaving him, he was just freaking out that he had been caught.


No, if he is a BPDer (i.e., exhibits strong traits), he was freaking out because he was so sure you would be leaving him. Because a BPDer has a great fear of abandonment, he will often see abandonment threats where they don't even exist -- e.g., in your being upset about his porn usage. My BPDer exW, for example, would be afraid of abandonment if she saw me looking at an attractive woman for a second instead of a half-second. This great fear of abandonment is a core feature of BPD. This is why _"Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment"_ is one of the nine defining traits for BPD.



> I had already figured out far before this that I was dating a very jealous, very angry person.


The irrational jealousy is exactly how the abandonment fear will most often be exhibited. As to his being a "very angry person," I note that another one of the 9 defining symptoms for BPD is _"Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger."_



> He would also get angry at NOTHING.


If your H is a BPDer, then ANYTHING -- no matter how minor -- has the potential to trigger his rage episodes. The reason is that a BPDer has been carrying enormous anger and hurt deep inside since early childhood. You therefore don't have to do or say a thing to CREATE the anger. You only have to do some minor thing that TRIGGERS a sudden release of anger that is always there below the surface. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in only a few seconds.

Indeed, you can trigger his rage -- even while saying nothing and not moving a single muscle -- by simply being in the same room with him. This occurs because a BPDer's subconscious works 24/7 protecting his fragile ego from seeing too much of reality. It accomplishes this by projecting most of his hurtful feelings and thoughts onto YOU. Because this projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, he does not realize -- at a conscious level -- that he is doing it. He therefore will be absolutely convinced that YOU are the source of the hurtful feelings and bad thoughts.

One result of this projection is that, as long as you remain in this toxic marriage, you will be blamed for every misfortune or mistake. Another result is that he will use these false projections as evidence that he is "The Victim," always "The Victim."



> There were times when he would ask me to stop talking to innocent people in my life, delete them from social media and everything. Male and female.


Because BPDers are so fearful of abandonment and engulfment, they have a powerful need to control all aspects of your personal life. To enhance this control and reduce abandonment threats, a BPDer will try to isolate you away from all close friends and family members who would support you.



> He will get so mad and quit. Like a child's tantrum.


If he is a BPDer, his emotional development likely was frozen at the level of a four-year-old child. This is why he is still fully reliant on the primitive ego defenses used by a four year old. These include, e.g., temper tantrums, projection, denial, black-white thinking, and magical thinking.



> He doesn't care to degrade my parents (which are my world), the very few friends I have, and every once in awhile me.


This is called "black-white thinking." BPDers are too immature to consciously handle having two strong conflicting feelings at the same time. They cannot tolerate ambiguities, uncertainties, and other gray areas of interpersonal relationships. Hence, like young children, they will categorize everyone close to them as "all good" or "all bad." And they will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in only a few seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. 

You will see this all-or-nothing behavior in a four year old who adores Mommy while she's bringing out the toys but, in a few seconds, will flip to hating Mommy when she takes one toy away. And you will see this behavior in yourself whenever you are suddenly startled or experience a very intense feeling. For our own protection and survival, our brains are hardwired to instantly switch to B-W thinking when our feelings are very intense. 

Of course, you realized this by the time you entered high school. That's why you tried hard to keep your mouth shut -- and your fingers off the keys -- whenever you were very angry. You tried to wait until you had time to cool down. You knew then that your judgment flies out the window whenever your feelings are intense. Well, BPDers are like this too -- only much more so. Because they never learned how to regulate their emotions, they experience intense feelings far more frequently than the rest of us.



> He always goes in a dead end speech about how I'm _never_ happy, he _didn't do anything_, and its _all my fault_.


Because we all occasionally resort to B-W thinking, we will sometimes use all-or-nothing expressions like "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...." As noted above, BPDers will use these black-white expressions far more frequently than the rest of us.



> He never takes blame for anything.


If he is a BPDer, he is filled with so much self loathing that the last thing he wants to find is one more thing to add to the long list of things he hates about himself. As I noted earlier, his subconscious works 24/7 protecting his fragile ego from seeing too much of reality.



> His road rage is terrifying.


The vast majority of BPDers are "high functioning," which means they usually get along fine with casual friends, business associates, clients, and total strangers. The reason is that none of those people pose a threat to the BPDer's two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. There is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy to trigger the suffocating feeling of engulfment. 

This is why it is common for BPDers to be caring and friendly to complete strangers all day long -- and then go home at night to abuse the very people who love him. This is why many high functioning BPDers excel in very demanding professions -- e.g., becoming successful teachers, social workers, psychologists, surgeons, and actors. 

Yet, when one of those casual friends makes the mistake of drawing close to a BPDer, she will start triggering his two fears. The result is that HF BPDers typically have no close long-term friends (unless the friend lives a long distance away). 

I mention all this to explain why, if you are seeing frequent occurrences of road rage at total strangers, you likely are seeing warning signs either for _low functioning BPD_ or for _IED_ (Intermittent Explosive Disorder). I note that even high functioning BPDers can occasionally slip into a low-functioning state when under great stress. Moreover, the behaviors you describe go far beyond the warning signs for IED.



> INSTANTLY when we got back from our honeymoon, he was different. Mad, bad mood, pushy, grouchy, distant and... did not want to have sex at all.


In addition to the abandonment fear, BPDers also have a great fear of engulfment. It is a scary feeling of being suffocated and controlled. Indeed, because BPDers have such a weak fragile self identity, they can feel like they are disappearing into thin air -- losing themselves into the strong personality of their partners. Hence, although BPDers crave intimacy like nearly everyone else, they cannot tolerate it for very long.

The result is that a BPDer's very WORST behavior usually occurs immediately after, if not during, the very BEST of times -- e.g., right after an intimate evening or great weekend -- or right in the middle of an expensive vacation. It therefore is common for sex and affection to go off a cliff right after the wedding. 

And it is common, after bedtime intimacy, for a BPDer to push his partner away (getting breathing space) by creating a fight over absolutely nothing. Yet, because the apparent "reason" for the fight is created by his subconscious projections, he will be absolutely convinced you've done something wrong.



> Every once in awhile he would want sex, and he wanted it RIGHT THEN, no matter how busy I was or what I was doing.


Like young children, BPDers lack the emotional skills needed to do self soothing, control impulses, and regulate other emotions. This is why, when they want something, they want it RIGHT NOW. And this is why, when they are angry with you, they will insist that you resolve the problem RIGHT NOW even if that means staying up to 4:00 a.m. to do so. Otherwise, they likely be will unable to get to sleep. Simply stated, you are in a parent/child relationship -- not a wife/husband relationship -- if you're married to a BPDer.



> He definitely started to develop a problem of invading my personal space.


Because a BPDer has the weak self identity seen in young children, he has only a weak, unstable sense of who he really is. And his sense of personal boundaries is so weak and vague that he has difficulty telling where his feelings and identity stop and yours begin. 

One result is that a BPDer usually HATES being alone. He needs a strong partner around to provide the missing self identity -- i.e., a strong stable person to help ground him and center him. But, of course, when you do exactly that he will resent you for "controlling" him because you're establishing a parent/child relationship. Another result is that the two of you will become emotionally enmeshed in a toxic way that is harmful to both of you.



> He grabs my arm very hard, and starts to jerk me very forcefully.... I am becoming afraid of him physically.


The _physical_ abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at *50% of Batterers are BPDers*. Similarly, a *2008 study* and a *2012 study* find a strong association between violence and BPD.



> Or am I crazy?


If you actually have been in a BPDer relationship for five years, that is exactly how you should be feeling. Of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the _one most notorious _for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning. 



> Do I have the right reasons to leave?


Yes, yes, you already have good reasons to leave -- or, more accurately, kick him out of your parents' basement. Yet, if your H is a BPDer, doing so is going to be very painful (although necessary) because you will feel like you're abandoning a vulnerable child whom you love deeply.

I therefore suggest that, if you are still reluctant to leave him, you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two _all by yourself_ -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you take a quick look at my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_ to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. 

If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to provide you with links to free online articles (by professionals) explaining how to minimize the pain of leaving a BPDer spouse. I also will be glad to join *Farside*, *EleGirl,* and other respondents in discussing these issues with you. Take care, Swells.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are links to two safety/exit plan info sites.....

http://www.ncdsv.org/images/DV_Safety_Plan.pdf

Safety Planning ? Domestic Violence Resource Center

Below is a safety exist plan that I put together. You can look through all this and take what makes sense for you and make your own plan.....

Call 911 and they will help you get away if you are in a dangerous situation.

* The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support*

If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.

========================================

It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps. 

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

*Get a support system: *



Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.


Also check into legal aid in your area.



Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Check on sites like Amazon for books about divorce in your state. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.


Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble. 
If you do not have friends of your own, start making them. Even if you don’t share your situation with them, just having a social outlet for you and even your children will help. One way to meet people is to go to We are what we do | Meetup Search for meetup groups in your area. In most areas they have a lot of things to choose from. You just sign up and go.



*Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. *



If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:


your mail from the ‘safe address’


All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account


Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.


Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports, 


Car title, social security cards, credit cards, 


Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.) 


Titles, deeds and other property information 


Medical records


Children's school and immunization records


Insurance information


Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s. 


Welfare identification


Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions

*Financial Plan*


Consider getting a job as soon as you can if you do not already have one. This will give you access to money and independence.


*Your safety Plan: *

You need a safety plan just in case you need to leave immediately if things get out of hand. 



Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter. 


Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.


If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit. 


Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made. 


Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures. 


You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse. 


Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.


If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape. 


Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape. 


Hide an extra set of car keys. 


Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”. 


Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends. 


Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc. 


Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave. 


Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial. 


Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.


*After Leaving the Abusive Relationship*


 *If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving the family home: *


Change your locks and phone number. 


Change your work hours and route taken to work. 


Change the route taken to transport children to school. 


Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times. 


Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect. 


Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender. 


Call law enforcement to enforce the order. 


 *If you leave the family home: *


Do not leave your children with your abusive spouse/partner. Take them with you. Talk to your attorney and/or the abuse organization counselors to make sure you do this in a way that will not jeopardize your future custody rights. You don’t want to look like you are kidnapping your children.


Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number. 


Change your work hours, if possible. 


Alert school authorities of the situation. 


Consider changing your children's schools. 


Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them. 


Use different stores and frequent different social spots. 


Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger. 


Talk to trusted people about the violence. 


Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system. 


Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible. 


Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order. 


Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.

 
Here are some ways you can find out things about your finances and some about how you can start saving money in your own name. I’m not putting them on the open forum because I don’t want to tip off people who are abusers.

Some of this might sound crazy. But you are completely in the dark and these are ways that people I know, even I, got the info we needed so that our spouse could not rip us off in a divorce.

Check his wallet and get photographs of any cards and other info that he has in there to include his driver’s license. Make sure to save them somewhere that he cannot get to, like on the cloud.

If he has a brief case do the same thing to it. Do you have a scanner at home? If not get one. I have a small portable that’s easy to use. That’s all you need. Just scan everything in his briefcase into pdf or jpgs. And again keep that info in a cloud account.

If you do use a cloud account, make sure that it does not create an account on your PC that he could see. There is a way to prevent that.

Does he have a home office or a place at home where he works sometimes? If so search it (often). Check the trash.. (I found out all kinds of stuff about my husband by searching his trash. Like I found letters from his affair partner. That’s how I found out about one of his affairs. I also found receipts and statements showing that he was moving money that I earned into accounts and investments in his and his mother’s name. 

Another thing that you might want to try is to go through the trash from his business if you can get to it. Just snatch the bags of trash out of the trash bin into your car, take them some place where he will not see you go through it and search. I kid you not, you can find stuff.

Get a key to his car. Make one if you need to. Then search it often. Search every cranny. Again I found all kinds of info that way. My then husband was hiding papers in the well where the spare tire and tools go. When he traveled, I drove to the airport, found his car in long-term parking and searched it. He was using his car to hide things while he traveled.

Get online and order his credit report. It could lead to all kinds of info on accounts he has.

Search the court records for any law suits. If he has a business, it might have been sued and he might have had to disclose financial info. Here where I live there is a website for the state of New Mexico where we can search on a person’s name to find all court cases of any kind… to include if they were sued, arrested and charged, divorced, etc. I’m sure that New York has something similar.

Make sure that you take an inventory of everything of value in your home. Take photos of everything. And do a walking inventory through the house. That way he cannot hide or dispose of things of value during a divorce.
=========================================
Now about money

Then open bank accounts in your name only. Use an address other than your home address. Also do electronic statements, etc. so that there is no paperwork for him to find. You can open a bank account with as little as $25.

If at all possible, every time you go to a store, get out cash. Even if it’s $10. I know a woman who did this. She’d get out between $40 and $60 with every purchase. It added up… to thousands over a few year period. Make sure that you throw away the receipts before you get home or keep them where he cannot find them. Do not put them in your home trash.

Go through your house and sell anything that you can. Just tell him that you are wanting to simplify your life and declutter. List things on craigslist and sell it. Put the money in your bank account.

Here is a link to a thread about evidence gathering.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Swells


I removed your personal email address. Posting it on an open forum is a very bad idea.

I have posted the web address and phone number to the national domestic abuse hotline. Please call them and ask them to help you find the help you need. You need to get into counseling at an organization that helps victims of domestic abuse. They will have the resources to help you.

You can of course keep posting here on TAM. But keep in mind that we are just individuals with different life experiences, we cannot contact you personally and help you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Swells said:


> I now have sex with my husband be I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO. Is that okay?.


Not ok if you are only having sex with him because you are afraid of him. You should only be having sex when you want to have sex.



Swells said:


> I am very depressed, and even becoming afraid of him physically. I have been afraid emotionally and verbally for a long time now.


This is not good, please call the domestic abuse hotline and get some help.



Swells said:


> I am afraid of being judged if I leave him, and it won't be for the lack of trying to save us if I leave, believe me.


There is no reason to be afraid of being judged. Anyone who would judge you poorly for leaving him is not someone who cares for you. 



Swells said:


> Do I have the right reasons to leave? or am I just being petty?


You are not being petty. Your reasons for leaving him are solid reasons.


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