# Seperation After Emotional and Physical Abuse



## brokenjedi (Sep 3, 2016)

My wife and I have been together since we were 17 years old (13 years now). We separated about 5 years ago due to manipulation and abuse (both physical and emotional) on my end. It first manifested itself as belittling and bursts of rage such as yelling and screaming. Eventually things escalated into throwing of things, breaking things and later grabbing and holding my wife down during my anger. There were also a couple instances of infidelity. One was before we married (still in high school) and the other was after I returned from Afghanistan. The latter was not a physical case but emotional connection with someone which came about during the time my wife and I were growing distant from one another due to my abusive behavior. Eventually (5 years ago) she had enough and told me to leave. This triggered an awareness in myself that brought about drastic change. I sought counseling for my anger and repressed issues from my childhood as well as being in war. My wife also sought counseling for her past issues and with healing the damage done by my abuse. We later began seeing the therapist together and things were going great. I pressured her (I now see) into moving back in together too soon because we had a daughter together and I wanted my family back. We continued to see the therapist until finances became an issue. Things were going very well for us though. There was mutual respect for one another and our communication was much improved from before. I also had worked through my anger issues and never had an angry outburst toward her or my daughter in the 5 years together since. 3 weeks ago my wife came to me and said that she had to leave and go stay with her parents because she had repressed all the issues my behavior in the past had caused. She said she was having thoughts of suicide and decided that she could no longer live with me and try to heal herself. She said that while many of the toxic things about our relationship had been fixed/resolved/healed, there was still an aspect of myself that was inherently selfish and narcissistic. I have reflected on this for the past few weeks and see my faults. I work very long days at work through the week and my time at home I would like to spend at home not doing anything if we did not have to. This was completely unfair to my wife who is a stay at home mother with our now 2 children. She would be stuck at home all week and once the weekend came I would always talk us out of doing things together which was extremely selfish. I put too much focus on physically caring for my family (making sure we had food, a roof over our heads, etc.) and little to none on our emotional well being. I guess I am saying all this and joined this site for help, guidance and support (outside my therapist that I try to see once a week) on things I can do to help save my marriage. I love my wife so very much. I am coming to terms with the fact that she may never be able to heal the part(s) of her that I have damaged. I also have a lot of work ahead for myself dealing with my selfish behavior. I know that the best thing for me to do is give her the time and space she needs to heal without me around, it is just so hard. She has even said that this separation is harder due to the fact that I did not do anything wrong per say to bring this about. It is just the past damage that has gone unhealed that has resurfaced to the point she cannot live with it anymore. I hate that where we are is all because of things I have done and the man I used to be. Any help/advise/criticism/etc. is welcome and highly sought. I have noone (other than my therapist) to really talk to. My wife and I have sat down a couple times in the past few weeks and talked. Some have been very productive talks while others have left one or both feeling hurt and/or upset (not in an angry way). The hardest thing I am dealing with at the moment is the space and that is what I guess I am looking for suggestions with. I want to be around my wife because she makes me happy, but it is not what she needs right now to heal.

Sorry if this was a jumbled mess, but that is where and what I am right now.

Thank you,
Chandler


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## brokenjedi (Sep 3, 2016)

Just an update:

Tomorrow we are going to sit down and talk after her therapy appointment to go over the "guidelines" of our no contact period. I am starting to slowly pull myself together from the emotional wreck I have been. I realize that this time apart is what she needs to heal and figure out what she wants and needs and I am prepared to give it to her. The past couple days she has been going through some very angry spells (which I get and is TOTALLY justified) and has been talking about no matter where we end up a divorce needs to likely happen one way or the other. She says this because if we do go the route of reconciling, she wants it to be a "new" marriage. I did not handle this very well. I got physically ill and had a VERY bad couple of days mentally. If anyone has any input or advise I would love to hear it.

Thanks


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

From what you said, you two are drawing up some kind of agreement on your no-contact period. Have you looked into a 'structured separation' . You can find some sample agreements using a google search. I think that they make a lot of sense in a separation because they get rid of a lot of the ambiguity that often causes problems in a separation. 

It sounds like this is a good time for you to be working on yourself.


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## brokenjedi (Sep 3, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> From what you said, you two are drawing up some kind of agreement on your no-contact period. Have you looked into a 'structured separation' . You can find some sample agreements using a google search. I think that they make a lot of sense in a separation because they get rid of a lot of the ambiguity that often causes problems in a separation.
> 
> It sounds like this is a good time for you to be working on yourself.


I will definitely look into that, thanks. I am absolutely taking this time to work on myself. While my anger issues were resolved with my past therapy, my selfish behavior and mentality (also manipulative tendencies) were never worked on. I am going to take this time to work on those issues as much as possible. Giving her the time and space she needs without contact from me will be a big hurdle for me to get past in this regard. I am hoping that this will be the first big step in building the trust back by showing that I truly will do what she needs to heal. I want nothing more than for her to come to terms with our past (even if it does not end in reconciling our marriage) and be able to heal the part(s) of her I damaged. I have always taken her for granted and put too much focus on the daily stresses in our lives that truly do not matter. I love my wife with ever ounce of my being and just want her to be happy. I just hope that that happiness one day will include us (which I know is selfish, but I would not be the man/father I am today if it was not for her).

Thank you for your advise/input


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

One day at a time.


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## brokenjedi (Sep 3, 2016)

We have laid out our guidelines for the no contact period (which is going to be 3 months). While everything is pretty cut and dry with the guidelines of it, 3 months is a very long time (which I realize is a drop in the bucket compared to the years of emotional, verbal and physical abuse that she endured). Does anyone here have any experience with such an extended period of no contact? Also looking to people to talk with that have any experience similar to mine with dealing with a separation after abuse. My wife sounds sincere about wanting us to reconcile, but that it may not come to that if she cannot heal and/or come to terms with our past. I am currently in counseling still (and will continue to go during our no contact, if not for years to come) to deal with my narcissism. I am trying to focus on my healing (not really healing, but breaking my tendencies to focus on aspects that truly do not matter and/or get clouded by the daily stresses of life) so that my narcissism and selfishness are no longer an issue. I have a long way to go and a lot of work ahead, so any chance I can get to talk with people that are in or have been through a similar situation as this would be wonderful.

Thank you


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## vel (Aug 27, 2016)

What you two are doing now seems wise. A structured separation, each working on themselves, really sounds like the best thing for both of you. I hope everything works out.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Your wife is absolutely correct that any R must involve a totally new relationship.
Think about, objectively if you can, what the marriage was like. Anger, abuse, infidelity. That's not a healthy relationship.
So take this time to learn about you, recognize how this happened. Learn techniques to prevent life from getting out of hand. I imagine that any relationship you have after that, whether with you W, or someone else down the road, would not resemble your current marriage-and that would be real growth. 

Good luck.


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