# I think my husband is in love with colleague



## clivedene (Jan 6, 2010)

My husband works overseas in Holland and we only see each other a couple of times a month. He owns his own business and has been there for 2 years. Last summer he asked me to give up my job and go to join him there. This I did and because of various commitments at home we agreed that I would go over in January. He got a new house with garden (we have a dog) and all seemed well. I went in October to help move into the new home. A couple of weeks later it was my birthday and I went over for the weekend, he was behaving oddly and invited a work colleague (a woman that I now, she has been to my home etc.)
He later told me he no longer wanted me to come and live with him even though I had changed my whole life to be with him. I then found poems he had written about this woman and confronted him. He made up some weak excuse and said when he is lonely in the middle of the night he writes lots of things that dont mean anything. I decided to contact OP and she denied anything was going on (she has/had a very nice boyfriend - she is 20 years younger than my husband). I then found text messages accidentally on my husbands phone saying that 'he would always love her' and that 'she was the most exciting woman he had ever met'. This made me feel sick. He insists he is not in love with her and I don't feel that she is guilty (except by being naive and getting too close to her boss). However, he is still very distant - not putting his arm around me, holding hand etc. Although when together we have sex regularly. I am in dispare - he has now gone back to Holland after Christmas and I know she is away until next week. I love him we have been together for 30 years I just do not no where to turn.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Well, at least in his text messages you know what he seems to think he is lacking. The "excitement". get down and dirty and get him interested in you! After 30 years I am guessing he just thinks he knows everything about you, but you never know everything about someone! Insist that he no longer contact the OW and tell him that you know you changed your life for him, but it was completely worth it to you. Make sure he ceases contact and then get started on getting his interest back. Find something cool you have always wanted to do and make it your mission to do it together~~


----------



## clivedene (Jan 6, 2010)

Impossible to cease contact he owns the company and she is a senior manager - that's the problem. Incidentally, he says she is just a good friend (am certain there has been no sexual contact)


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

They will still have to have work contact, but no personal chatter, know what I mean?? Yeah, talk about business but the second business is done he needs to walk away. If he wants to talk to someone about personal stuff, he can call you! I will admit it may be a lot harder being they work together, but I don't think its impossible.


----------



## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

DawnD said:


> Well, at least in his text messages you know what he seems to think he is lacking. The "excitement". get down and dirty and get him interested in you! After 30 years I am guessing he just thinks he knows everything about you, but you never know everything about someone! Insist that he no longer contact the OW and tell him that you know you changed your life for him, but it was completely worth it to you. Make sure he ceases contact and then get started on getting his interest back. Find something cool you have always wanted to do and make it your mission to do it together~~


Bull****. If I didn't know better, I'd think Dawn was blaming you for your husbands affair. You let him know in no uncertain terms it's either you or her. PERIOD. You have plenty of evidence to know there's something going on. That's bad enough, but if he EVER lies to you again about it, he's GONE!.

Start keeping a journal and collect evidence.

She's got to make HERSELF better to keep him from straying? **** that. There will ALWAYS be someone more exciting, more beautiful and NEWER than your spouse. You DON'T stray because of it.


----------



## clivedene (Jan 6, 2010)

I am slim and always try to dress well but I am no longer 37! The strange thing is at Easter last year he told me he had fallen in love with me all over again and that we should renew our vows!


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

No, I am not at all saying this is her fault. All I am saying is that at least we know what he THINKS he is missing. That is where his problem is. I never told her to make herself better, I told her to get to the root and show him the sides of her he doesn't know about. Doing something you have been interested in isn't changing yourself, its doing something you put on a back burner. right now he thinks he knows all, and I don't think its possible to completely know someone in every way.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

clivedene said:


> (am certain there has been no sexual contact)


Don't be so sure. He is pushing you away, there are the poems, and the text messages. Take the blinders off and do more digging. There are plenty of us on this forum which have been down this road. Unfortunately cheaters are also excellent liars--the best. Just remember a much younger woman is a serious ego boost. Regardless of this woman's position in your husband's business, she needs to go. With the current job market, I'm sure your husband can find a very qualified applicant to replace her.

Hope things work out for you!


----------



## wrhaven (Jun 12, 2009)

I would wonder why he no longer wants you to come to Holland. It seems like at this point, he would do everything in his power to have you with him. Something doesn't sound right.

Also, stop second guessing what you already know about the OW. You found text messages and poems. If he was so lonely during the night why didn't he write the poems about you? Why wasn't he texting you? Why is the OW suddenly so important if she is only a so-called friend?

Let your husband know that he has been busted and if he wants the marriage to continue, he has stop all contact with this woman. Sadly enough, this might mean getting another Senior Manager. If she's a good manager, she can get another job. Your husband's concern should be about keeping his wife.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Nobody has brought up that he could be sexually harassing her. If this is the case or even if, cynically, she accuses him of this for financial gain; your husband is putting your finances at risk. And he is damaging the reputation of the company.

If I were you I would insist on being able to go wherever you want to in the Holland location, or anywhere.

And find yourself a good lawyer before he blindsides you further.

Check into where your marital assets have been spent or stashed.

He may be funneling money to other places.

Be prepared.


----------



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Don't know about law in holland but firing someone because you love them is potential problem not withstanding the need to separate them.
What does your husband want to do? Will he tell you "honestly".

side comment: Might not be and probably is not anything you did. Comment about younger being potential ego boost is for sure real. 
I have been in that sort of circumstance (working in remote country with limited contact) and can tell you its not easy to hold off the loneliness, you need to be together. 
Im confused (maybe I read too fast) You are or are NOT living together now?


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

michzz said:


> Nobody has brought up that he could be sexually harassing her. If this is the case or even if, cynically, she accuses him of this for financial gain; your husband is putting your finances at risk. And he is damaging the reputation of the company.


I had actually thought about it. It could be a nightmare here in the states....not sure what laws would govern on an international company. That's yet another good reason why I think this woman needs to find other employment. And very soon!



michzz said:


> Check into where your marital assets have been spent or stashed.
> 
> He may be funneling money to other places.


:iagree:


----------



## clivedene (Jan 6, 2010)

No I am living in London the plan was for me to move to be with him this month. He has now told me that he needs more time. As for harrassment I am certain this is not the case as she is more than happy to go for drinks/dinner with him where they apparently talk about business.


----------



## clivedene (Jan 6, 2010)

No he wont tell me honestly - I have asked him and he just says he is not in love with OP even though I have seen texts from him saying the opposite however I have no idea what her reply was....


----------



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Forget him AND more time. 
If you give him more time your simply giving him more time to cultivate the relationship. If logistically you can swing it. Tell him your coming to live with him. If you get there, either it (the other relationship) will die off as you get close to him again or you will see what is truely going on. If he refuses and simply asks for more time, tell him. "Time's up"

My opinion is that your distance has played a significant part here. More distance is not going to fix it. BELIEVE me.


----------



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Oh and "try" not to be combative. Even if you are hurt by this and angry. Anger gives him more fuel that rekindling your relationship might not be a great idea.
You'll know when it's time to give up (if that time comes).


----------

