# Verbal Abuse



## jrod322 (Jun 29, 2008)

Hello all,

Before I air my questions and concerns, I'll give you some background. 

My wife and I have been married for six years. We've been in a committed relationship for about eleven years. We met during our first year of college. I proposed to her two years later (I was twenty). We stayed engaged until she finished up her bachelor's degree. By then, I had already graduated and had just finished my first year of law school. 

I have always considered us to be opposites, and for a long time, that dynamic has worked. I'm described by my friends and colleagues as very "easy-going." I make friends easily. I have a calm demeanor, and it's a rare occasion that I get "fired up" and really emotional about things. I'll admit that at times I am overly passive, and am sure that at times, that has been a source of frustration for my wife. 

My wife would certainly not be described as passive. She is passionate with her emotions, and does not make an effort to hide her feelings. She comes off as aggresive to people. I'm not making these assertions in an attempt to be critical of her. In fact, I have a great deal of respect for my wife's ability to say how she feels and not take any "sh*!" from people. I suppose the one criticism I have of her is that she doesn't quite know when to pick her battles. My observation is that she attacks almost every perceived slight or threat, no matter how small, with a high level of intensity. 

I consider the past eleven years that we've shared as good years. We've grown a great deal together, both as individuals and as a couple. That's not to say that we haven't had our struggles. Our greatest struggle, and the one that we continue to experience, revolves around the way she speaks to me. Throughout the course of our relationship, I've taken issue with what I consider to be verbal and emotional abuse. While the vast majority of it happens in the privacy of our own home, there have been numerous occasions where the verbal abuse has come in the company of family and/or friends, much to my embarrassment and anger. 

Examples? Most every petty argument we have, she peppers with every cuss word in the book. If I miss a phone call from her, if I'm not home within ten minutes of when she expects me, I'm a f*&)king [email protected]@hole. She'll order me around in front of my friends and family, as if it's necessary. My close friends and family have seen it, and spoken to me about it. I'm asked why I put up with it. At the worst moments, I've sat with a friend and cried. He's told me I'm like a puppy who's been kicked repeatedly. That's not something I'm proud of. 

I've spoken to my wife about this being unacceptable numerous times. We've been to counseling in the past. I'm at my wit's end, as we've had a flare up of these incidents in the past fews months. We had a son six months ago, and the last thing I want to do is end our relationship. 

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a complete pushover. I've been an attorney for the past four years, and have experienced a fair amout of success. I can be aggresive when I need to be, and I've asserted myself with her when I confront her after these incidents. Everyone around me seems to respect me, except my wife. Help.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Hi jrod322!

I think I can relate to your problem but from the other side. Some parts of your post could have been written by my husband. It's unfortunate that counseling wasn't helpful for you and your wife. We have been going to counseling and I'm starting to understand why I get so agitated. My husband is so passive about important things and not so about trivial things. I don't know at the times I have been "bitten" by things that he chose to ignore. That brings stress and resentment in to play. The more stress I have, the more tense I become. As the stress piles up, it gets too great for me to cope with--until I explode. That being said, I try to have a "time out" before I lose control. And as the counselor has suggested, my husband needs to quit causing stress. You wife is probably under more stress now that you have a baby too.

Look at medical reasons too. Although I'm not diabetic, I have a problem with my body using insulin properly. When that gets out of control, I have a hard time controling my emotions. I've dealt with this problem for years and I can see when I need to adjust my medication and/or diet.

I hope this helps. Just for the record, I think being total opposites can work in a marriage. Sometimes it can definately be beneficial. It worked for 20 years in our marriage.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

If a client had to deal with what you have, what advice would you give them?

draconis


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## marie38 (Jun 10, 2008)

Your wife sounds like my husband. We are also different in that I am passive- sometimes I can be a pushover- but I stand up for myself when i need to, and he is aggressive and talks to me very abruptly- and yes- many of our friends (his guy friends included) have asked me why I put up with him talking to me in that way. Sadly- I'm so used to it- that I barely even recognize when he does it around our friends.... I think i've learned how to block a lot of it out of my conciousness (the subconscious is a B**** though). I hope your wife realizes the pain she is causing you and she learns how to be constructive with her words. You deserve that.


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