# Could use an ear, marriage problems



## ManHusbandFather (Jan 18, 2015)

Hi,

I've been married for 6 years now. It's me, my wife, her biological son (he's my son through and through - we have a great relationship) and our dog who I had to unfortunately bury a couple days ago 

We have a nice house, both have good jobs and generally have it comfy from that point of view. Our relationship unfortunately is...I'm having a hard time. Her problems with our marriage are probably as a result of my unhappiness.

3 years ago we uttered the word divorce. I was unhappy, I tried to talk to her several times, but she didn't listen/hear me so I eventually became angry and would regularly snap at her. It got to the point where we had enough.

I talked her into counseling to try and fix things. We went to couples counseling and both to our individual counselors. It didn't work well and I asked to stop it after some time. I felt he would favor her way too much and I was always the bad guy.

We decided to try it on our own and have had mixed results.

We fight regularly, probably once at least every 1-2 weeks. Sometimes we make up right away and sometimes we take the entire day or more.

And, truthfully I'm ok with 'fighting' as long as it's civil and resolvable. It should help a couple grow. The problem is she's not civil and she never seems to want to be reasonable or understanding. 

She tells me to F off, she says get out, she says I want a divorce, she says worse. After a while she says she doesn't mean it and I realize it's due to her inability to handle any type of confrontation. This is her way of pushing me away, but man, it's tiring and IMO, immature.

Sometimes she tries to make things work, but not in the ways that matter.

- I'm in the only one still going to counseling regularly. That makes me feel she doesn't feel she can improve herself or that it's my fault.
- It's so hard for her to say she's sorry. Again like it's my fault.
- She's gained so much weight and doesn't take losing it seriously. Again doesn't want to improve herself.
- She doesn't even pause 1 second before she jumps at me for anything. It's so tiring. No matter what I say I'm saying something wrong.
- I could go on, but...

I do love my wife. I know she loves me. However, it's getting old. I feel I've changed for the better. I've become more understanding and patient. To be fair she has 'some' but it's not enough to stop me from feeling hurt that she doesn't take as much care with our marriage as she should.

I don't know if I should keep trying to fix it or if I should just give up. I'm in my early 40s. Maybe I still have time to meet someone else, have kids and start a new family.

Generally, with the same exceptions as everyone, I'm a nice guy and I'm tired of being treated this way. The move to leave is such a hard choice to make. I worry it's a mistake.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You have to decide what is best for you. If your partner is not holding up her end of the relationship, and you have tried talking, then your left with actions. I suggest detach and learn to be single, so if the choice comes to leave or not, you will be fine with or without her. This is of course if communication fails, and this is not the arguing communication, but the emotionally expressive one. Make it clear to her that this marriage is not working out, and be honest with her that you want something different out of life. Some people are not relationship material no matter how much you love them, it will not change them. They can only do that themselves.

It sounds like you have already put in a lot of effort. Only you know your limits. Unfortunately, you have to view the risks and rewards involved. The risk is wasting what life you have to be miserable,versus fixing a marriage where it becomes rewarding. You probably have an idea of the probability of your wife being the partner you want. Still, a level of detachment will probably give you a better prospective and more of an objective view. In the mean time, keep up with the self improvements. Work out, eat healthy, be positive, and learn to be confident in yourself and your decisions.


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## ManHusbandFather (Jan 18, 2015)

Thanks man. All logical and well said.

Funny thing is, we all know in these situations, we as people generally know the answer and I may too. I think I do and then think I don't. 

My wife and I just had (15 minutes ago) what I'd consider an "emotionally expressive" conversation. Some things stuck "I think".

She just doesn't like talking much so the probability of things sticking are low since the probability of talking is low.

The single suggestion, of course without the external relationship, is something I've been doing the last year, but I have to do more of it. 

Thanks for your time and words.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

If you learn to be happy as your own individual,, you are more able to evaluate if your relationship adds more to your life or subtracts from it. A relationship should be a rewarding experience, and if it is not, then the people involved should figure if they can, or cannot fix it. Psychology has shown though, that most do not take actions until a crisis arrives where they are force to take an action. If you separate from your wife, and she does nothing to work on her end, then she is not willing to put the effort into maintaining a healthy relationship. Most people are afraid to take that step and find out, so they linger until they are emotionally exhausted, or the relationship is so fractured that another person can easily enter the picture. Research has shown that the stronger the bond, the more willing a couple will work on their issues. You have to find out how strong your bond is, and how strong her bond is to you.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

This sounds all messed up. Neither of you are trying your best to please the other.

You're the husband. Take care of her, provide for her, and treat her tenderly.

She, the wife, should respond in kind. Be devoted, make attempts to please you, and be kind.

Somewhere it broke down. It may take baby steps, but BOTH have to commit at some point.

To cut thru the BS, I'll make a bold statement. You don't treat her like you did in the courting stage, and she doesn't maintain that beautiful figure and sweet disposition you so loved.

This has bedeviled marriages since time began. Its got to be the hardest thing to fix there ever was. Talk frankly, and see if you can find common ground. Such a treacherous course when the word "weight" is involved.

Is appearance tied to attraction? Is one partner's desire and wish more or less important than the other's? 

"This man is unkind"
"This woman is inconsiderate"

"He doesn't desire me"
"She doesn't consider me"

Quagmire. Neither is thinking of their partner's wishes ahead of their own.


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## ManHusbandFather (Jan 18, 2015)

Forest said:


> Neither of you are trying your best to please the other. You're the husband. Take care of her, provide for her, and treat her tenderly.


I don't want to hit you over the head for responding because I do appreciate the time, but I do disagree with you on some things - not in theory, but in actuality. There are lots of assumptions and narrations here.

For instance, I didn't use the word figure, you did. When we can't even do anything anymore due to health issues, that's a problem. At the same time, let's not be sanctimonious. Physical appearance is important too. IMO spouses should keep themselves looking attractive for the other. If I am to chase her, surely she's to give me reason.

As far as the 'you're the husband thing' I completely reject that idea. You would suggest a man is to continue treating a woman in the way they deserve regardless of how they treat them.

I am the husband and I do my best to be what a husband should be and I know what that takes complete with courting and all. However, I am to be respected and appreciated as well - even if i didn't do those things.



Mr.Fisty said:


> If you learn to be happy as your own individual,, you are more able to evaluate if your relationship adds more to your life or subtracts from it.


Thanks. This is what I've been trying to do and I think I'm close to making a decision. I feel focusing on myself makes me more clear in this.

I've lost weight, gotten in shape, started doing things outside our marriage more often, getting out of the house. I have hobbies and spend time on those things. 

At the same time I try my best to do one thing as a family and as a couple each week. Unfortunately she doesn't put much effort into it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Before giving up.. try the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". This is for both of you to read and work through together.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Just a couple of observations, for what they are worth.

Pretty much everyone on earth thinks they are pretty great. Very few seriously believe they are jerks. While you feel you're a pretty great guy, understand that she feels the same about herself and her opinion of you might not be all that kind. Reality is probably somewhere in the middle. 

You feel you are making progress and you're impatient with her for making little of what you perceive to be progress. We all trudge along through life and progress in different ways, at different speeds, at different times. A month from now, she might be carrying the relationship load and you might be the one dragging. 

You could ditch this one and try to latch onto someone different but they will also be human and they're going to occasionally piss you off as well. We're all flawed humans and getting rid of one doesn't mean you get rid of drama. You might get different drama but you're going to have to deal with some. The next one might be easier but she also might be a helluva lot more difficult. You're in counseling to fix yourself. Concentrate on that for now. Rather than cajole her into counseling or self-improvement, work on you and show her by your improved disposition and effectiveness that you have found some meaningful help. She might decide she'd like some of the same. If counseling is making you act like a jerk to her, it's unlikely she'll see the process as anything she wants for herself. If she frequently gives you these ugly outbursts, you have sense enough to know what triggers them. You can see them coming and you can adjust fire to avoid them. If, after 6 years of marriage, she's dog cussing you frequently, you must like it at some level, because you know when it's coming, why it's coming, and you stick around for the show. I can see how discussions are helpful to a relationship, but yelling, cussing, and threatening divorce don't seem like behaviors likely to accomplish anything good. In any case, you know when the air is getting too thick and you can go for a walk, take a break, change your tone, or otherwise alter course if you don't like where it's heading. I agree it's immature for an adult to scream and cuss but I figure it's also a little immature to willingly participate in it. Only crazy people yell and cuss when there is no audience.


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## ManHusbandFather (Jan 18, 2015)

Why would you think I participate when she yells and curses at me? Did I say I did? I generally tell her I'm done talking, but it sucks cause that's what she wants. It's her escape.

I happen to be the man who knows he's not perfect, understands when he's a jerk and apologizes for it. I am harder on myself than anyone else ever could be. 

I know how much effort I've put in and how many things I've tried as well as knowing what she hasn't tried. I know for a fact that most men would not be nearly as good as I have been to her.

Also, I'm in therapy every week and very aware of myself. I am trying to improve as I know I will repeat myself.

The problem is, my wife does things to me that hurt me, I explain them to her and she doesn't get it. She repeatedly hurts me over and over. She doesn't 'hear' what I'm saying and her effort (she does put in effort) are greatly misguided.

Here's an example.

I have been working hard to lose weight. I've lost about 60 pounds over the last 6 -8 months. 

She goes out to a fast food place, brings home food and offers me some. She knows full well that I won't eat fast food anymore! She's literally is temping me to fail.

I told her about this and how it bothered me a lot. She nearly argued with me. She said I act as if she's sabotaging me lol YEAH! She is! I feel as if she doesn't care about me or what I care about.

To follow that up I explained to her, I understand that she wasn't willingly sabotaging me. She didn't come to me thinking 'Hey I'm going to make him feel I don't care about him and make him get fat' NO! I know she was trying to make sure I had something to eat, but I'm not sure she was really thinking about me or my true needs.

I'm tired of her feeling as if I'm attacking her when I explain my feelings about something she's done to me!

To top it off, of course I'm pissed that she got fast food. In her condition, with the stress it puts on us and our social life and her health...I mean damn it's really annoying that she doesn't wake up about it and change already.


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## ManHusbandFather (Jan 18, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Before giving up.. try the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". This is for both of you to read and work through together.


Thank you. I'll look into these books.

I have to admit, I feel sometimes like there's a hole in the wall. I've stuck my head into it and got hit with a hammer 5 times. You're asking me to put my head in the hole again lol Don't get me wrong, I bet their great books and it's good advice.

But then it I'm not willing to get hit with the hammer why'd I bother posting here to get advice from you nice folks?

Maybe I'm looking for someone to confirm for me what I might already know I need to do. This is obviously something I need to understand. 

Not to quote the Matrix, but maybe I already made my decision and now I have to understand it.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Sometimes, separation IS the answer. It could make her wake up to your words. It so sucks when you don't feel heard. 

If she doesn't want to work with you through a separation, then you know that she just won't ever work with you on the marriage. Period.

You can do this in a mature, non-confrontational manner and you should....even if she gets ugly.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> I have been working hard to lose weight. I've lost about 60 pounds over the last 6 -8 months.
> 
> She goes out to a fast food place, brings home food and offers me some. She knows full well that I won't eat fast food anymore! She's literally is temping me to fail.
> 
> ...


This sounds like a Ferris Wheel. You want to be upset she brought you fast food and accuse her of sabotaging you and that she's "done something to you" by offering you food by "tempting you to fail." Why are you taking something like that so personally that you said it's hurting you?

When really, that all sounds like projection from the key point - that isn't "to top it all off" - let's be honest, it's the main issue - your wife is fat and you are angry. You want her to change and fix herself the same way you did, which - may or may not happen.

But why is she going out to a fast food place? Do you plan meals together? Who does the cooking? Do you guys communicate about this kind of stuff?

Also - as someone who has also lost a lot of weight and probably eats more fast food than I should (wonky work schedule, etc) - you can maintain. Provided you keep the rest of your calories to exercises appropriate. 

And then there's this ...


> I know for a fact that most men would not be nearly as good as I have been to her.


What are we basing this on? And is this the pat on the back to make divorce okay for yourself or ... ?



> - I'm in the only one still going to counseling regularly. That makes me feel she doesn't feel she can improve herself or that it's my fault.
> - It's so hard for her to say she's sorry. Again like it's my fault.
> - She's gained so much weight and doesn't take losing it seriously. Again doesn't want to improve herself.


You want her to go to counseling to improve herself, because you feel that you went and it made you improve yourself. You decided to stop going to MC, and picked up IC instead. You made that choice to "go it alone" along with her. Why did you not continue MC? Whether or not she wants to go to IC is ultimately her choice, but - you stopped going because you didn't like what you heard. You didn't feel the counselor blamed her in the way you were hoping. You enjoy instead going to IC and feeling validated to "improve yourself" - but working on your issues is not the same as working on -the marriage's- issues.

If you want to improve things, you have to embrace the idea that yes, some things might indeed be your fault or partially your fault or you are part of them. Embracing the "I've improved myself so I'm above it all" isn't going to help this relationship, nor any in the future should you divorce if the trade off is the inability to not see other people as any other than "less than their potential" or however you would word it. 



> Maybe I'm looking for someone to confirm for me what I might already know I need to do. This is obviously something I need to understand.


Which is what? Return to MC as "going it alone" isn't working? Or were you hoping for the stock answer - yes, your wife is fat, crazy, and lazy, please divorce her.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

ManHusbandFather said:


> Hi,
> 
> 
> I talked her into counseling to try and fix things. We went to couples counseling and both to our individual counselors. It didn't work well and I asked to stop it after some time. *I felt he would favor her way too much and I was always the bad guy.*
> ...


First - why the counselor was more on your wife's side? Is it possible that all her anger, aggressiveness is the result of your past behavior, huge resentment that had built up to the point of hatred? Because it does not sound like she loves you, the opposite. I think when she yells she wants a divorce, this is what she really wants. But she is not ready (emotionally, financially, etc) so she is backing up later. Sometimes you just have to listen to what your spouse is saying, instead of twisting it. Your post could be written by my husband, we had our share of "f..'k, and "divorce" yells, and we both were very nasty in it. And believe me, I had my reasons for that.

If there is nothing in your behavior, now or in the past, that would cause such negative emotions (again, not justifying it, just looking for explanation) that means she has temper issues.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

ManHusbandFather said:


> Why would you think I participate when she yells and curses at me? Did I say I did? I generally tell her I'm done talking, but it sucks cause that's what she wants. It's her escape.
> 
> *Because you describe her behavior as something that happens with some regularity. I don't live at your house but I have been married over 30 years and I've been a cop over 30 years. I have a pretty good idea how shouting matches happen and so do you. If someone is yelling in my face every week, it's because I'm getting something out of it. If that were not the case, I'd recognize when things were getting heated and I'd extricate myself from the situation. Never been in a domestic shouting match or investigated one that didn't involve at least two people, each bearing some responsibility. *
> *You asked for advise and you got it. You can do what you will with it. I could give you validation, tell you that you're 100% right, your old lady is a hateful bat, and to dump her but that is unlikely to contribute to your goal of personal growth. You can't do jack about your wife's choices but you do have complete control over your own. For that reason, I tried to help you focus on things you could actually do something about. If you want validation, please specify next time and I'll tell you you're right and great and she's wrong.
> ...


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## ManHusbandFather (Jan 18, 2015)

Starstarfish said:


> This sounds like a Ferris Wheel. You want to be upset she brought you fast food and accuse her of sabotaging you and that she's "done something to you" by offering you food by "tempting you to fail." Why are you taking something like that so personally that you said it's hurting you?


She understands my goals and how important it is to me. I told her I wasn't going to eat that type of food. When she came to me I simply said I didn't want it, but hell yeah I take it personally. Are you serious? I want a woman who recognizes my goals and tries to help me reach them, not one who puts pot holes in front of me that I have to jump over. She could have grabbed an apple from the table and brought it to me just as easy if she was concerned about me being hungry.

I think any reasonable person would be bothered by that. She should honor my wishes. I honor hers.

To her credit we had a talk yesterday about something else and it came up. She acknowledged that it was a mistake and she wasn't thinking. Kudos to her on that.



Starstarfish said:


> When really, that all sounds like projection from the key point - that isn't "to top it all off" - let's be honest, it's the main issue - your wife is fat and you are angry. You want her to change and fix herself the same way you did, which - may or may not happen.


Actually you're wrong. She was heavy when I met her. She has gotten heavier. I've already said her weight causes health issues that stop us from doing things. This creates a lot of issues and hurts our marriage in various ways - and her.

My main issue is that I feel a lot of the burden for our relationship rests on my shoulders and I have to compensate or do without my needs. I have be moving away from that now that I make sure to focus on my needs myself, but I'm learning how to do this to be honest.



Starstarfish said:


> But why is she going out to a fast food place? Do you plan meals together? Who does the cooking? Do you guys communicate about this kind of stuff?


I do the food shopping each week. I buy healthy stuff. We trade off cooking dinner, but she does what she does the rest of the day. This day she took our son somewhere and on the way back she just decided to stop.



Starstarfish said:


> Also - as someone who has also lost a lot of weight and probably eats more fast food than I should (wonky work schedule, etc) - you can maintain. Provided you keep the rest of your calories to exercises appropriate.


Sure, you can, you're right, but I just see that stuff as poison. I try to plan as much as I can. There are certain foods and places I have completely written off. Fast food is one of them.

Why do I feel you're working so hard to justify her behavior? I shouldn't be upset, I can be healthy eating fast food...seriously.



Starstarfish said:


> What are we basing this on? And is this the pat on the back to make divorce okay for yourself or ... ?


I have friends and I observe the way married men interact with their wives. The men I see do the minimal and are many times downright mean, uncaring and they aren't very affectionate. I believe that I'm a pretty good husband. I'm not great even though I know I could be. Right now it's just hard since I feel unhappy so I'm probably at about 70% of what I could be.



Starstarfish said:


> you stopped going because you didn't like what you heard. You didn't feel the counselor blamed her in the way you were hoping


I met with the MC one on one after my wife and I decided to stop going since I thought that would be the right thing to do in case I was completely wrong. I explained to him my concern. I told him I didn't feel he challenged my wife and he was always challenging me. He acknowledge this and said he thought it was probably because I talked more. I found that unacceptable.

As you can see, I am fully open to criticism. I don't have a problem with people telling me what they think I'm doing wrong. What I don't appreciate is unfair situations and that was not the right MC for us. Unfortunately my wife didn't want to try a different one and suggested we try it on our own.

As far as my wife going to IC, yes it's her choice, but again, we're married. IMO that means both people pull the load. She has issues just like everyone else and they affect our marriage. The fact that she doesn't want to work on them makes me not want to be a part of the marriage. You can tell me she has the right to do whatever she wants, I agree. Being married to me isn't a right.



Starstarfish said:


> If you want to improve things, you have to embrace the idea that yes, some things might indeed be your fault or partially your fault or you are part of them. Embracing the "I've improved myself so I'm above it all" isn't going to help this relationship


I've done that for 2-3 years now. This didn't just happen. I'm not one to make quick decisions especially when a child is involved.

You don't have to preach to me about self-improvement and that it never ends, I'm not perfect or holier than thou. I don't fault people for being imperfect either, but I do fault them for not trying to improve themselves, their situation or their marriage. I've been doing all of those things.


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## ManHusbandFather (Jan 18, 2015)

SunnyT said:


> Sometimes, separation IS the answer. It could make her wake up to your words. It so sucks when you don't feel heard.


Thanks Sunny. I have considered this, but I fear separation might be the end. I read it rarely works. It's an option though.


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## ManHusbandFather (Jan 18, 2015)

Lila said:


> :iagree: 100% with Starstarfish's post.


Ouch. I'm sorry.



Lila said:


> :Your posts seem to imply that you are seeking external validation. OP do you suffer from low self-esteem?


Ya think? I've been in a marriage with someone who says they care about me, but does things that make me feel like crap. I've spent the last year building my self-esteem back up.

Validation, smalidation. I'm posting here to see if I can find some ideas. Some of you have offered them, others make me feel I'm in a room of badgers for no good reason lol

I am at the end of my rope, but I'm still holding on because of the time invested and the fact that we do both love each other. That is clear to me.


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## ManHusbandFather (Jan 18, 2015)

WandaJ said:


> First - why the counselor was more on your wife's side? Is it possible that all her anger, aggressiveness is the result of your past behavior, huge resentment that had built up to the point of hatred?


He wasn't on her side as much. He just wasn't challenging her and I felt that was unfair. I might have said it wrong.

Sure, she was angry. We both had anger and resentment. We still do. Her anger was due to me being angry at her regularly. There were times I wasn't nice to her and I've resolved that. 

The reason for my anger was because I felt very alone in my marriage. She would make me feel bad for my feelings, she wouldn't acknowledge them, she'd get defensive about them...she still does. She'd listen, but hear something totally different because she'd make it about her and just one word that she didn't like would cause me to explain for 30 minutes. After a while I became very irritated and that's when we divorce came up and we went to MC.



WandaJ said:


> Because it does not sound like she loves you, the opposite. I think when she yells she wants a divorce, this is what she really wants. But she is not ready (emotionally, financially, etc) so she is backing up later. Sometimes you just have to listen to what your spouse is saying, instead of twisting it.


You could be right. I have to acknowledge that. I just know what she says and does to make me feel like she does in fact love me. I could be wrong.

For instance, she's not all bad. We were going to go to the movies as a family, but our son went on his own. She messaged me stating that we should have a date night of it for ourselves. I told her it was a great idea. That's the type of stuff I want to hear from her. This is an improvement most likely due to our conversation last night.

In terms of the yelling though, in knowing her, I can tell you she is extremely horrible with any sort of confrontation at all. In any conversation if she feels the least bit pinned in any way she loses it.


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## ManHusbandFather (Jan 18, 2015)

badsanta said:


> She probably wants to diet too but now associates eating with you getting upset, which in turn makes her want to self medicate with more food.


I don't have cravings really, but I think the two things above are dead on.

She is always worried about me getting upset and I believe it's due to me being upset back 2-3 years ago. I have found my patience since then. I don't comment to her about food, but only talk out myself in the context of food.

She does self-medicate with food though. It makes her feel good. I think many people are this way.



badsanta said:


> You should probably invest in meeting together with a dietician


I don't just say this is a great idea because we did it, but we did it back, at her request, far before we had marriage issues. She didn't really stick to anything and truth is neither did I. 



badsanta said:


> The second thing you need to work on is having a sense of humor to defuse arguments and start having some fun.


Humor is huge. I try my best and I think she does too. Great advise. Work in progress on that one.


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## ManHusbandFather (Jan 18, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> Because you describe her behavior as something that happens with some regularity. I don't live at your house but I have been married over 30 years and I've been a cop over 30 years.


Thanks for your service 

It takes a lot to get me to yell. I do speak firmly sometimes, but I don't yell. Many times she will simply get pissed at something, get up, yell something at me and slam a door. I walk away.



unbelievable said:


> If someone is yelling in my face every week, it's because I'm getting something out of it.


I honestly don't mind the yelling. Getting loud can be ok. It's when people say hurtful uncalled for things. That's just immature. I speak like an adult. Don't get me wrong I can say things that aren't nice, but more times than not I am reasonably calm, collected, direct and tactful.



unbelievable said:


> Going to McDonalds or Taco Bell isn't an assault on you. It's a woman who's hungry and maybe a tad bit thoughtless.


I have to say I find it strange that this isn't coming across to more than one person.

That was an example. One time, I'm ok with it. A thousand times in various shades of gray, I'm not.

It's not assault obviously, but just cause I don't bruise on the outside doesn't make it less hurtful. At some point when your wife doesn't seem to care about your feelings over and over it's a serious problem and HELL YEAH it hurts. It makes you feel alone, like you're married to someone who doesn't care about you and your needs. This is a concept I figured this forum would be beyond.

I'm not looking for justification or validation as much as what I asked for in my title. I need an ear. I was really hoping to find someone who could relate to what I'm going through so that I could feel...not so alone with this.

Instead I feel very defensive here. Several people were nice -including you incredible - , but many others seem to want to blame me without having all the facts. Many many assumptions some misunderstandings. Maybe I came to the wrong place? This is the first time I've done something like this. I'm close to moving on.

You can see based on all my responses here that I'm trying, not only in my marriage, but here as well. Surely that's evident.

I appreciate everyone's time regardless, but I just don't understand some of it and why it's needed.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Well these "my spouse does all these bad things" threads are always difficult to answer because we're only getting one side of the story. 

I will tell you this: ultimately, everyone has tradeoffs in their relationship, good qualities and bad. Only you can decide whether the bad qualities in your relationship outweigh the good. Right now you're listing a lot of bad and not much good. Why did you marry her in the first place -- not a rhetorical question.

My wife has a "difficult" personality at times and we have had a lot of bad fights. She does some of the things you mention -- she doesn't "fight fair," she insults me personally, she seems to see a fight with me as though it's Sherman's march to the sea -- leave nothing standing. We've talked about the problem and she does acknowledge it at least.

At the same time, I find that when times are bad, the more I turn away from her, the more the resentment builds up in my mind, like I create this picture of her in my mind that's worse than reality. This often actually happens when we aren't spending enough time together. Then when we finally get the chance to bond again, I feel less worked up about everything. It sounds like you're not spending any good time with your wife, or not enough. I also wonder if you ever bring up problems in a calm, constructive way, talking about how something makes you feel rather than attacking her.

Finally, if I read between the lines of your post, I just think there has to be a little more history to your problems and that it can't be quite as one-sided as you make it. She must have issues with you too -- are you able to acknowledge any of them?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Could she be dealing with a personality disorder or two? Emotional dysregulation seems to be prevalent here...


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

The OP says that he feels personally attacked by the offer of some fast food and she's clearly the one with a personality disorder? Really? 

Not all women who have behaviors men don't like have personality disorders. They might not be a good match for whoever they are with, but that doesn't automatically mean they are mentally ill. "Personality disorder" is such a stock answer at this point, it's almost amusing. 



> Why do I feel you're working so hard to justify her behavior? I shouldn't be upset, I can be healthy eating fast food...seriously.


Probably as hard as you are working to justify being so offended by it. That sometimes so simple has such a deep impact on to "make you feel like crap" and so grievously effect your feelings about her, yeah, leaves me concerned. 

And people can only work with as many facts as you provide. 

But when you say, my wife was heavy when she met me, but I had a transformation and I want her to "challenge herself now" that sounds like the same situation that a lot of women who lose weight and get fit fall into, I'm just speaking from the other side. 

I myself have had such a "transformation" - but I don't take what my husband does or doesn't so personally. If he eats something I can't or won't, I don't feel he's "treating me like crap" or "putting pot holes in front of me." You married her, and now have changed your outlook about people "improving themselves."

And I'm guessing there are things you do or say that don't make her feel like you particularly care about her either. But - it's a two way road.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

ManHusbandFather said:


> Ya think? I've been in a marriage with someone who says they care about me, but does things that make me feel like crap. I've spent the last year building my self-esteem back up.


I understand your sentiment with the example of the food....(can you feel the 'however' that's about to come?) however, while you express anger and contempt for this, her perspective was likely without that intent. And this is where it's important to begin to listen to each other, to needs, as well as to ourselves. When she offered the food to you and you felt what you felt, is there room to tell yourself that her intent is not as you are taking it, while still expressing what you value from her in terms of support?

Sometimes these seemingly small incidences can demonstrate a bigger picture though. When my husband and I were going through our rough patch, he had a real issue with the fact that I wouldn't unpack boxes. It came up in counseling. To me it seemed like a trivial annoyance. Why is he so fixated on these bloody boxes? It was a few boxes of records stacked on a side wall. The reason I hadn't unpacked them was because we didn't have anywhere to put them. It sounds ridiculous now but it was a bone of contention at the time. We ended up getting a shelving unit and I unpacked the boxes. For him it wasn't about the records, it was about what the boxes and having a home, meant to him. It was representative of a bigger picture. To me at the time, it was simply boxes. Or so I told myself. Thing is, it was quite some time after all that, after we'd gotten down to the nitty-gritty between us, that I could reflect and realize that yes, part of me was holding back myself by not unpacking those boxes but I wasn't conscious of it at the time. 

When we moved again recently, he stated very clearly that he needed us to unpack all the boxes and get settled in, fairly quickly. Part of this stems back to his childhood and being uprooted a lot. What was different this time was that I understood this need, the urgency he feels for that - and I was fully engaged in our marriage to _want_ to do that. 

It takes time. It can feel frustrating, especially with such a simple thing like unpacking boxes, or choosing healthy food. At the end of the day though, it does take two people to want to put the effort in. My husband and I have both also needed to learn that sometimes it's just about ourselves and not the other person. Sometimes ya just gotta own your own sh!t and see it for what it is. Other times, clear communication is needed. Often it's a combination of both. Personally I feel you owe it to yourself to keep on this journey, keep learning, until you no longer need to ask the question... you'll simply know what to do.


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