# I think my wife maybe coming back. not sure on my feelings.



## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

Hi,

thought I would post an update for those who have followed my story and the last 5 months of my life. if you wish to you can read it here .

My wife has been in touch a few times over the last few weeks and has hinted she is still confused and upset. I haven't got involved like I did in the past. I didn't want to be drawn back into anything. I have been playing a sort of Plan B with hints of Plan A I guess. I haven't been going out of my way to text her etc with nice stuff, I have just been getting on with my stuff and been doing pretty well and then treating her nicely when our paths cross and asking questions about her health etc.

I will make this a fairly short post - On Sunday my wife got in touch and said she would love to talk to me and can she come over on Monday night (OM works away at the beginning of the week). A few texts went back and forth and a bit of minor flirting. I asked if she wanted to stay over and she said yes if that was okay. Anyway she stayed last night, she said she loves me and OM has shown his true colours, She is very scared and ashamed, bla bla bla. Basically it seems the affair fog is lifting faster than expected, he has got cross that she is leaving early from work to pick our son up and going to her therapy appointments. I think she is realising what a mistake she has made and am pretty sure she is seriously thinking about jacking her job in.

She ended up staying over and we slept together and had a great night. It all seems crazy as she is now returning to his house. I know she doesn't really want to and is scared but it is my feelings I am concentrating on.

I now firmly believe that I could get my wife back if I want to, but suddenly I'm not sure. Is this normal?? I have not asked her to come back and am not intending to ask anything of her as I want it to all be her decision but I'm scared it's not the best thing for me. I'm not sure how to explain to my friends, neighbours, family etc that I have taken her back. I will feel foolish. It will be hard to socialise with them all because she and them will feel very uncomfortable. All the paranoid/anxious thoughts and feelings may return.

so confused. I feel happy right now in myself, i'm scared I wanted her back because I couldn't have her... now I can have her I'm not sure I do want her. I can't think straight at all!!!


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

dude you should NOT have slept with her. The pride in yourself should demand nothing less than 100% of her, not just her body. She should NOT have any desire to go back to the OM. You are letting her have her cake and eat it too as chances are you got "sloppy seconds", sorry for being so blunt but I have been in your shoes and know the confusion you are going thru. If she wants to come back and you are fine with that, GREAT! But she MUST remove her self completely from this OM and agree to work on your marriage and go to counseling.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

You are doing fine. You have followed Plan A/Plan B. You knew this day would come. Sleeping with her is not a problem. She will leave the OM. Stay the course. I had typed up a longer post but some how deleted it. Sorry. I expect Affaircare to help out with some firm direction come late morning. She is left coast. I glad you are feelin good. Remember the rollercoaster.


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

well ... everyone should now that "office affair" cannot be long-lasting and does not produce real love. i bet for this. so far, your wife seems to realize that this could be a mistake. but i suggest that you keep go on your way dont think of her to come back.

God Bless You Brother.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there, 
I can totally understand why you are confused, your plan B has let your wife see the affair and the OM for what it is, this is what is suppose to happen, she does seem to be waking up from the fog...
I would suggest you don't get ahead of yourself yet, this is still a rollercoaster ride and will be for a while.....
You tell her that you would be willing to work on your relationship but slowly to make sure it's the right thing for both of you....
She would have to commit to you and only you.....don't worry about everyone else, do what is best for you......
Remember she is confused and will probably flip flop for a while, she is in a relationship with the OM because she loves him otherwise she wouldn't have left you for him........
I know you are confused as well, think long and hard about what you want out of life and if she is the woman you want to spend your life with, can you forgive all that has happened?
Can she be the woman you need?
Don't jump in the fire..........


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Jessi is right, don't rush into anything. Take it REALLY slow. I am also interested in hearing more how to deal with this part of your post:

"I'm not sure how to explain to my friends, neighbours, family etc that I have taken her back. I will feel foolish. It will be hard to socialise with them all because she and them will feel very uncomfortable. All the paranoid/anxious thoughts and feelings may return."

Good luck!


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

My wife asked me if I was interested in seeing her again and trying to sort the mess out.

I just sent her this :

"hi, i am interested in seeing you again but need time to think as this is a bizzare situation. how is your day going?? you feeling okay about last night?"

and she just sent me this :

"hmmm runnings in with OM about time off yesterday and really don't want to be here with his attitude (and with picky clients) but generally ok. Feeling super cool about last night! You?

I wish we could just carry on from last night, find a lovely little 3 bed house, me get a new job, get rid of our house, book a holiday and get on with our lives. Instead we are where we are but I would like to work towards the former? When are you free over the next week and I will work around that? Glad you do want to see me again."

Mixed feelings about the best course of action. Do I strike while the iron is hot and see her as much as possible, try and relight our relationship and push for everything she mentions she wants?? Or do I back off and tell her she needs to leave him and job and come home before we see each other again??


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

"Can you forgive all that has happened?"

I think i can, I think i can move on. I also think the shock etc has passed and I feel strong and confident. If she did come back I would insist on no contact and if I found out there was contact I have the strength to kick her out as I know I can cope without her. I have been without her now and know it is possible.,

"Can she be the woman you need?"

This is a good question. A lot of her focus is on who looks out for her and who cares for her needs. If she asked me to have her back I would make sure she realises what my needs are and what I expect. I don't want the one-sided relationship we have had for the last couple of years. I need the love and affection of my wife and if I don't get that we are going to have problems. Last night she kissed, held and touched me like she used to when we married. She told me she loved me and was very clingy, it felt like we were in the honeymoon period and I loved it. Just wary about it slipping back..


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

FREAKING WEIRD!!! is about all I can say............I wish you the best of luck because I have no advice at all on this.

Do what feels right you are charting your own course. If you can forgive and mostly forget that's all that matters, but your situation is crazy to me from the outside looking in.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I think you have to ask her to end her relationship with OM first so that is over and done with and noting will be hanging over your heads when you start to re-build.....
I'm not sure her moving home is the right thing to do, what if it doesn't work out between the two of you.....what then, first try to see if you have enough to make it work......
What about the feelings for the OM, you can't ignore that part.....
I'm happy for you and your wife and I hope that she is serious and that she is willing to be the woman that you deserve, don't just take her word, watch her actions, this will tell you the true story of her true feelings, no excuses this time.......
take your time, I can tell you want it like yesterday, but you know what if you want to do it right this time, time is the way of discovering that......


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## land2634 (Jun 7, 2010)

It seems like the day you have been working toward and hoping for is finally coming. If the concern from your wife about avoiding the OM is genuine, then I think you might already know what you can do. I know AffairCare and TanelornPete will both recommend a No Contact letter, and I have to agree in this case.

From what she said, she seems genuinely willing to find a new job. Use this to your advantage. By working toward these things, you'll be helping to ensure that the relationship you will be building will be a healthy one, not based on lies and deceit.


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## LilBit35 (Sep 27, 2010)

Gosh....just be careful.....I have been right were you are at for awhile....I love my husband but I do not know if he will ever be able to meet my needs now. He was so selfish when he decided to have a A. He came right back to me when it didnt work out for them either...Dont do anything crazy....if you are seperated begin with dating her! If she doesnt have any place to go help her find one...dont make everything so easy for her...make her realize that it will take work on her part to put the puzzle back togeather. If you jump in this and it isnt over with OM you will only set yourself back she will have control and you need to take that away as far as your heart is concerned. I have started to date my husband again and to be honest is he the same person I married NO but do I love him YES. If there is a chance I am hopeful but please dont rush into something that I dont think she is ready for! If and when it does set in that she is done with him she will go through so many emotions and buddy you better hold on cause you will too! She will miss him and cling to you....you will love that but then she will think of him and push you away...it has only just begun...but please if I am wrong let me know...I would love to hear a relationship that just goes back to being what it was before!


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## avenrandom (Sep 13, 2010)

After reading this post I went back and read the twelve pages from your original story. Thank you very much for sharing.

While 45 minutes of reading may not be enough to fully understand your situation, there is one thing that stood out to me. Multiple times you have mentioned "we talked about her finding a new job" etc, and it's good that she mentioned it too, but it still hasn't happened. There are certainly a lot to consider here; Asking for No Contact means that she couldn't work there, but if you want to take it slow, what can she do? I'm willing to bet it sounds like too much to handle for her. It sounds like she isn't willing to make the hard decision at this moment in time, but she does seem aware of it, which is a good sign.

I'd like to commend you on your self restraint however. Multiple times you've mentioned wanting to dive back in when she gives you a glimmer of hope (as with today's post), but each time in your previous thread there was just another day of sadness following. Had you attempted to latch onto the quick fix, you'd have gotten hurt again. Your original question of...


i_feel_broken said:


> I now firmly believe that I could get my wife back if I want to, but suddenly I'm not sure. Is this normal??


... it is normal. However, you've already got a solution if you can't decide. Like everyone else has said, take it *slow*. In doing so you not only allow the process of courting to continue longer, which will help rebuild the marriage, but you also over time will be able to answer your own question.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Just a few comments: 

First, my advice is that you avoid using your feelings as a guide as to what you are going to do. Instead, always work from a pre-established plan of action. Feelings change, and if you use them as your guide, you will be running from one place to another all the time, without direction, and in general will be causing possible damage. Acknowledge the feeling, but then move on with what you should be doing.

Second: if your wife wishes to come back, use the three conditions we always advise:

1) You and your wife write a no contact letter to the Other Man, a letter which you proofread and then you mail.

2) You and your wife agree to complete transparent honesty, revealing all email accounts, phone records, passwords, social networking log-ins, etc. 

3) You and your wife commit to working on the marriage.

Keep in mind that until the Other Man is out of contact, very little, if any, work can be done on your marriage. Ending the affair must happen first. 

My advice: your wife seeks a new place of employment immediately - taking time off from work, if necessary, to stay completely away from the Other Man. She needs to go through the withdrawals, and continued exposure simply refuels the 'addiction.'


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Naturally, I could not possibly agree more with Tanelorn's post. As usual, well-written handsome--straight to the point and right on target! 

Second, I noticed you said a few interesting things here:



> "Can you forgive all that has happened?"
> 
> I think i can, I think i can move on. I also think the shock etc has passed and I feel strong and confident. If she did come back I would insist on no contact and if I found out there was contact I have the strength to kick her out as I know I can cope without her. I have been without her now and know it is possible.


This is actually a fairly good place for you to be at--it's the recognition that you don't "need" her to live, but you do "choose" her and that is quite different. Speaking from experience, forgiving her does not mean you are reconciled automatically or that you'll forget what occurred, but rather it's a conscious choice to say "I have decided to no longer hold this over her head. She hurt me, but I let go of my desire for punishment or restitution." Some people get stuck in that "punishment and restitution" stage for YEARS! So I agree with you i_feel_broken--I think you are there mentally and emotionally, and I think you can forgive her too. 



> "Can she be the woman you need?"
> 
> This is a good question. A lot of her focus is on who looks out for her and who cares for her needs. If she asked me to have her back I would make sure she realises what my needs are and what I expect. I don't want the one-sided relationship we have had for the last couple of years. I need the love and affection of my wife and if I don't get that we are going to have problems. Last night she kissed, held and touched me like she used to when we married. She told me she loved me and was very clingy, it felt like we were in the honeymoon period and I loved it. Just wary about it slipping back..


Actually this is a very common concern for a returning disloyal spouse, and speaking as a recovered one I can say that before she left there were some things occurring that were hurting her deeply. Since she's pretty much just starting to come out of selfish mode now, she's keenly aware that if she does give up OM, she might be returning to "the way things were." Thus I doubt it has even occurred to her yet that you also have no desire to return to "the way things were." She may not yet be aware that she will also have some changing to do! 

Thus one of the things I would suggest, as a conjunction to what Tanelorn said, would be to have that discussion with her that you do NOT want to have that same old marriage. I would recommend letting her know that you are willing to build something altogether new and different, and you are willing to acknowledge there are some things you took for granted and need to change...but that you also want something new and different from her. That is to say, you love her for the woman and person she is, but the way it was previous to the affair is not acceptable to you and you have grown enough to know that you would never tolerate being treated that way again. 

Now, if she is willing to build a new, healthy marriage giving 100% of her affection and loyalty to you...and you are willing to build a new, healthy marriage giving 100% of your affection and loyalty to her...then you two have a great chance to reconcile and recover!!

And regarding your friends and family--if they have the guts to ask you out loud why you two are back together...you look them right in the eye and say, "I committed to this woman for life and I forgave her for making a mistake. I expect you to treat her as the woman I love. Period!" That should take care of it!


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## land2634 (Jun 7, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> And regarding your friends and family--if they have the guts to ask you out loud why you two are back together...you look them right in the eye and say, "I committed to this woman for life and I forgave her for making a mistake. I expect you to treat her as the woman I love. Period!" That should take care of it!


As usual, bravo. Another thing I might add would be to possibly speak with anyone that **might** have hesitation toward it. Many of these people may have supported you throughout this process, so at the very least, they will surely understand that this has been part of your goal all along. Speaking from my end, I have a 19 year old brother (almost 20) who takes things VERY personally. He saw my wife as a sister and will have a harder time, I believe, than anyone to accept my wife ever again. I know I would want to speak to him and respectfully request that he not make things more difficult on me as I am trying to save my marriage. I'd like to think that if you put things in that way, people will be a little more careful about negativity toward what happened.


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

Thanks to everyone for their input. I'm still vary wary and unsure what is going to happen. My wife asked if we could see each other again and I replied

"i am prepared to see you again, but if we are to keep seeing each other after that and try and sort this mess out I think we both know you will need to leave him and your job. We can't work on us in any way shape or form if he is in your life. It is c..razy and we both know it! I'm not demanding anything - the choice is yours, I think we are on the same wave length. If we are sorting our marriage out I won't share my wife, If we aren't I'll continue with my life. hope you understand. x"

She replied:

"I am totally on your wavelength don't worry and know that these things have to change which I am ready for. I would like us to talk over the next few days/week about options, possibilities, logistics and consequences and concerns. I don't want to be shared and to be honest I am dreading going back."

It sounds promising but I'm making sure I stay grounded as like Tanelornpete said I don't want to act with my feelings this time and I feel strong enough not too.



Affaircare said:


> This is actually a fairly good place for you to be at--it's the recognition that you don't "need" her to live, but you do "choose" her and that is quite different. Speaking from experience, forgiving her does not mean you are reconciled automatically or that you'll forget what occurred, but rather it's a conscious choice to say "I have decided to no longer hold this over her head. She hurt me, but I let go of my desire for punishment or restitution."


I think this is important, I have no desire to punish my wife for what she has done. None whatsoever. It has been a long 5 months a lot has been said and done and I feel I/We are coming out of the other side. If we do decide to sort things out that is exactly what I want to do - look forwards to a new relationship.



Affaircare said:


> Thus one of the things I would suggest, as a conjunction to what Tanelorn said, would be to have that discussion with her that you do NOT want to have that same old marriage. I would recommend letting her know that you are willing to build something altogether new and different, and you are willing to acknowledge there are some things you took for granted and need to change...but that you also want something new and different from her. That is to say, you love her for the woman and person she is, but the way it was previous to the affair is not acceptable to you and you have grown enough to know that you would never tolerate being treated that way again.


I have made clear to her that I would rather be without her than to go back to how things were and that is the truth. She has acknowledged the changes I have made and says I am now the person she fell in love with. I have also told her that I feel like that person again and have no desire to let myself slip again into the ways that were making us both unhappy.

It all sounds promising at the moment. I have kept up with the long running stories of Jar, IANTOO, land etc and I didn't think I had a long game in me like they seem to. I was becoming happy on my own and with my son. I would rather live my life with my wife that is for sure but am still wary of her thoughts and feelings. I'm not sure her moving back in is the best idea but at the moment in our situation it is either that, her move home which is a long way off, her stay with OM!, me move out to my parents. Her moving home is my preference. Maybe it would be best to carry on with our rota for a while with our son to make sure we are both working on ourselves? Her live in the spare room? Think I'm getting ahead of myself - she is still there!


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

i think you told her the correct statement that you need her not to share her love or to be shared.

but have you thought about when you both return on the marriage, she would not do the same bad thing by doing affair.

please ask her commitment and tell the consequencies if she repeats it again you would not forgive her. do not allow her to play your feelings.


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## land2634 (Jun 7, 2010)

It really sounds as if your wife is somewhat realizing what has to happen in order to put down the foundation to rebuild a strong marriage. You're doing a great job at not compromising your position to make sure you aren't enabling further contact with the OM. As far as living arrangements go, I can see how you would feel very hesitant, but I have to agree that maybe her being home would be the best possible option based on what you said. Besides, if she is home, it will be much easier to see if she is serious about moving on from the OM, not to mention being under the same roof so you can consistently throw love kindlers her way.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

i_feel_broken said:


> "Can you forgive all that has happened?"
> 
> I think i can, I think i can move on. I also think the shock etc has passed and I feel strong and confident. If she did come back I would insist on no contact and if I found out there was contact I have the strength to kick her out as I know I can cope without her. I have been without her now and know it is possible.,
> 
> ...


 What I read from this is that she is a User and is used to getting what she wants/needs by playing people. Not in a mean way, but in whatever way she was taught (probably by her mom). Clingy? Yeah, it worked, didn't it? That's why she did it.

If I were in your shoes, I would set up appointments for individual counselor for her and marriage counselor for both of you; when next you meet, hand her the appointment cards and say 'If you want me back, you will start attending these meetings, and when I feel safe enough that you will not be the same person you were before, we'll talk about reuniting.'

Then act accordingly to how she reacts. If she balks, she's just looking for a daddy; if she readily agrees, she misses YOU.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Remember that she left you because she wasn't happy. You wrote some very straight forward things to her and she appears to be accepting you terms. But does all this have to be so serious? Can you toss in some humor? How about being a bit flirty like Jar was last week? Show her that really nice guy she fell for in the first place. You have been more stable and happier lately. Her return should be happy and fun. I don't think it helps putting her in the guest room. But no over the top stuff. Love is the first priority. Communication comes second and will be much easier if love is rekindled.


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

Thanks people,

I think you are right IANTOO, one of the reasons our relationship started to falter is because things started to get serious, baby, big mortgage, work pressure etc. I became a bit grumpy and stressed I think.

Wife is coming over to stay again tonight so we can talk everything through. Any tips welcome! she seems really keen to sort this out. here are some of the messages she has been sending:

" I am very excited but well aware that you could turn very quickly at any moment because of the issue of where I am currently living. I am also feeling terrible about it and anxious of how I change that and what I do next. Make sense? We haven't really talked about whats in each others heads, just a 'feeling' thing - great so far though!"

"Like I said I don't want to hurt you, you have been through enough. I want to get this sorted out and I have a lot of respect for you with the way you have been and are. I know what you mean and it goes without saying, I feel bad enough with the situation I am in being there at all."

"Yes I would like to come tonight. We could get a pizza or something later? Feeling very much the same today but more frustrated that I am where I am, its horrible being somewhere you don't want to be, with someone you dont want to be with, but also knowing that where you want to be isn't a certainty either. Not asking anything from you at all, this is my mess. I need to find some major courage and be honest. I am starting to feel much better on this medication I think. Feel sick as a dog and bit drowsy and dizzy though!" 

At the moment if she were to quit her job we would really struggle until, if possible, she could find something else. But I think we both know this is now a condition of her coming back. It's going to be interesting. I don't want to start laying down the law too thick of what she must do just yet, we are having fun together, flirting together and planning together. Once she has gone passed the point of no return, left him and come home, I can do that. I will however be stressing some of the points AC said about no contact, counselling etc


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## land2634 (Jun 7, 2010)

I would almost be willing to ask her to come home now. Here's why: 

If she is still with the OM, it's going to be awfully hard to really make any progress with him in the picture at all. The sooner she gets out of there, the better. I would hate to see all the effort you two are making right now wasted because he is still in the picture. See what I'm saying? Just a thought.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I hope you'll keep in mind what I said about the sense I get from her, and tread carefully. 

Honestly, if I were you, I would NOT take her back right now, not until she has lived alone and done some real work in counseling. Just bouncing back to you, IMO, means that she has done NO learning from all this.


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

land2634 said:


> I would almost be willing to ask her to come home now. Here's why:
> 
> If she is still with the OM, it's going to be awfully hard to really make any progress with him in the picture at all. The sooner she gets out of there, the better. I would hate to see all the effort you two are making right now wasted because he is still in the picture. See what I'm saying? Just a thought.


It has crossed my mind land and i'm hoping we talk about that possibility tonight. I want her to suggest it first so will hold off for the first part of the evening but if things go well I will definitely consider it. I can't take much more of her being there - my boundary I guess!


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

My two bits, for what they are worth, is to listen and listen. Not just hear what she says. You don't have to talk (much). She is acknowledging that the meds are helping. I would venture to guess that her unhappiness had little to do with you. In this case when she said it isn't you its me, she was right. If she asks to come home don't tell her what she needs to do. She should know. Ask her what behavioral changes you can expect from her. If she doesn't complete the "list". Tell her you need more commitment. Tell her, "I need more from you." Tell her that you need her to think harder about what you need. (Don't tell her what to do! That is controlling! So keep the focus on you.)


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

You know what's funny? Although all the posts from people may sound like they're disagreeing, they really are not. I think each post has value in that it's focusing on certain aspects that are valuable. 

For example, turnera is concerned that she's basically using you as a place to stay because things with OM  didn't turn out peachy! (Who could have foreseen that?)  Anyway, she has a little bit of a point. If your wife were *drop dead serious*, she knows that contact with the OM is wrong--she could quit her job today--NOW--and move to her parent's today. The fact that she keeps acting like "Oh I hate it here but I don't know where else to go..." is a little bit of :bsflag: She could crash on a friend's couch if she really had to, but for her to do so, she'd have to step outside her comfort zone. And if she had no job too...well she'd be pretty motivated to find something new if she didn't have the house and your income to "fall back on" right? If she were *drop dead serious*, *she* would be the one making appointments for personal counseling and marriage counseling, right? So turnera is suggesting that it is reasonable for you to see some of these types of changes FIRST. If you were to take her back home right now, she would have the resources at her fingertips to really make no major changes.

Leaving her job, sleeping on someone's couch, and attending personal and marriage counseling are very reasonable, NATURAL consequences of her choice to commit adultery. That's not punishment....that's maturity. Allow her to feel the pinch of making a choice that's harmful. It's the most loving way you can treat her--and the fastest way she'll learn some of the life lessons needed for a truly intimate marriage.

On the other hand, IANTOO and land have a good point too! If she were at home, you'd have more opportunity to interact with her and start rebuilding the marriage into a healthy relationship. You'd have more opportunities to really listen to her as if you were her best friend from college and not someone who wants her to love him. Those kinds of interactions are going to do more to rebuild than any other. 

Thus, I'm not sure how your house is laid out/designed, but I'd suggest to her that you are NOT ready for her to move into your bed and "home" but that you are willing to rent her a room as if she were a student or young adult. It could be "month to month" and you could set it up like a business arrangement--and the contingency is that she quit her job before she move in. If she would do that, it does demonstrate a serious level of starting commitment, and it would motivate her to find something fairly quickly because she would have "rent" due. Then at first treat her like a roommate and like it's business...with the added option of asking her out (like you would date anyone) etc.


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

hi all,

thanks again for your input and advice. I don't have much time but thought i'd give you a quick update.

She is home. she told OM that it had all been a mistake and an escapism/fantasy. She told him she wanted to move back in and try and repair the damage done. She then got all her stuff and came back. It is very weird having her back and to be honest it doesn't feel great. This is what I have wanted for so long yet now it is happened I am suddenly anxious/scared that this isn't going to work and I am almost craving the calmer/easier life without her there. On the plus side I can see my son is pleased to have us both there.

She showed me a couple of text messages he sent her yesterday as they came through and said she didn't want me to be anxious about them contacting each other. I have suggested she move into the spare room and also we keep roughly the same rota we had regarding our son as when she was moved out. That way we can keep having our own time and working on ourselves at least for a while. I haven't "taken her back" yet despite her being home. She did start to put photos of us back up that I had taken down which annoyed me a little but I let it go.

We have discussed her job and she wants out, I could easily demand she hands her notice in now etc but I am a bit worried about that before I have got my head straight. If she were to leave the job the bills we have are more than my wage without food/petrol. We would be struggling immediately and I would have to support both of us. I need to be 100% that this marriage is what I want and that it will work before she becomes financially dependant on me. If I decide it's not what I want it would be easier if she could financially manage by herself.

I know it sounds strange as I have fought for so long but it was like a switch, when she came back I suddenly felt cold toward her. Hoping that it is natural, just need a slow approach and give it time I guess!

more to follow...


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

ask her to share the bills if she still have some money while not working. tell her, that she need to prove her effort on this marriage and this is one of the effort to be prove.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Yes this is normal. You might not go in "whole hog" but hold her hand and show your love. No love busters. Don't freeze yourself out now. You are feeling empowered. Pull it together. You are partners. 
Can she change her cell number? Is there a reason she has to resond to him. Has she agreed to no contact? Can you both work on finding her a new job?


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hi there, 

I think right now the two of you have to put No Contact with the OM is place, I think she quits her job, change the cell phone #. She has to eliminate any situation to have an inappropriate relationship again.....with anyone.....
You two then work on filling each others needs and re-building your communication skills and just have some fun with each other and your son........
Work together trying to find her a new job......then have her pay some of the bills so you won't be the only one taking care of the family........
How about some individual therapy so she can understand how she got to where she was in her mind.......
Take it slowly, this is your chance to have a good marriage..where both of you feel like your needs are being met and that you both feel loved and important to the other......
You will go through a lot of different feelings, work through it and pay attention it teaches you what you want, don't just put up with things you don't like anymore.......


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She needs a new phone and a new email address.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Your wife seems to be coming round and understands her affair was a mistake that affected herself, you and your son. 

I do caution as long as she stays in his employment you will run a very high risk of loosing her again. 

You not allowing her to leave now for various financial reasons is giving her the wrong message plus she has proven she is weak, if she flip flops back to OM you will be directly responsible for this. You need to either rearrange your finances or go talk to her/your folks and explain your position, if they can help you financially so be it but get her out of that job NOW


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Ditto to everything above. You know it too.


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

I do know it. I wish it was as simple as that. I can't see us getting financial help from our parents at the moment, we would need so much.

Like I said, our bills come to more than my salary. If she just walked it would be so hard on us. We could get a loan but she has just told me she has £7000 of credit card debt, I have £2000, she has a car loan, we have a huge mortgage. More debt is really scary. 

If she walked I would be financially responsible for her and I would have no money, I would have to quit doing the stuff that has kept me sane over the last few months. Golf, Gym, Socialising etc. I'm not sure I am ready for that. I don't think I should have to endure any more... sure she could run back to him but i'm still not 100% sure that her coming back is the best thing for ME. I'm hoping that these thoughts are just a natural phase, they don't make much sense after how hard I fought to get her back a few months ago.

She has willingly given me full access to her phone, phone logs, facebook, email etc. which is a good sign. She wanted to move back into our bedroom and sleep in the same bed, I have blocked that for now.. she got really upset and confused. She said she thought I wanted us to be back together and that I was punishing her. I tried to explain I was not punishing her and I just thought it was best for our recovery if we do things slowly and properly. Not sure if I'm doing the right thing.


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

jessi said:


> hi there,
> 
> Work together trying to find her a new job......then have her pay some of the bills so you won't be the only one taking care of the family........
> How about some individual therapy so she can understand how she got to where she was in her mind.......
> ...


Thanks Jessi,

We have been looking at jobs together, most in her work seem to be in London but we are both keen for her to move. OM has also said he can't sack her but he wants her to move job. He has already asked her to detail her job to help with the job spec when she leaves.

She has agreed to some marriage counselling so will organise that too.

I am making a point of not putting up with things without being rude. I used to do a lot of childcare, cooking etc and we are going to try and do things together more. I have noticed how childish she is when she doesn't get her own way and how she is always the victim. I'm not putting up with that. She wanted to sleep in the same room and when I confirmed I wasn't ready she went off to the spare room, shut the door and cried. It was childish behaviour. She then made out she was the victim and being punished. I just thought "do i need this??". I just told her I was sorry she couldn't see by taking things slowly it was a positive step to do things right and went to bed.


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

how about if you ask her to pay all the debt first and then return to you after her debt is paid or let her take care of it by herself. i am curious, is she trying to get back to you is the purpose that she needs someone to assist her in debt. is there any possibility that the OM will not support on her debt then she turns to you. 

if you feel that you are uncomfortable of her debt, then tell her that this is a burden and she should understand


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Make sure you discuss her childish behavior with the counselor you go to - it needs to be addressed NOW so she can get help learning better techniques.


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

lobokies said:


> how about if you ask her to pay all the debt first and then return to you after her debt is paid or let her take care of it by herself. i am curious, is she trying to get back to you is the purpose that she needs someone to assist her in debt. is there any possibility that the OM will not support on her debt then she turns to you.
> 
> if you feel that you are uncomfortable of her debt, then tell her that this is a burden and she should understand


just to be clear. My wife earns more than me. She doesn't feel her debt needs to be supported so i don't think this is a reason.


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

good then .. so you should only concern on your own debt not her.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

broken:

It is not unreasonable for her to want to be in your bed, I personally do not see any harm in the two of you recovering your intimacy, unless you think she has an STD. So long as she tells you all, answers all the questions you may raise and does everything to recover the marriage then you need to start working together as man and wife. 

Please get past the: this is mine and that is yours way of life, the debt both of you have is a mutual debt. Chop up both your credit cards, merge the debt into one and together pay off the whole bill.

You are a couple since when is her money hers and your money yours. Both of you need a shake to understand that it is this kind of attitude that helps break your family up. All your money together is the families and maximum effort should be put into clearing the debt. No lunches , jollies, holidays etc.. and in future you go on holidays together as a family not your wife with her mates and you with yours..

As for your marriage she is back now go the whole hog and welcome her into your marriage, bed and family.


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

i think the return of your wife is a weird/strange for me... i dont know yet the exact reason of it. again if you feel she does not need help on her debt, then this is not the issue you should worry. she could afford to finish her debt herself. i just don't understand that you say she needs no help on it but you raise your concern that her debt would mind you.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

I agree with Wisp - and I would also add one addendum: be very careful about making Disrespectful Judgments about your wife's behavior. A DJ is a love BUSTER, it EXTINGUISHES love.

For example:



> She wanted to sleep in the same room and when I confirmed I wasn't ready she went off to the spare room, shut the door and cried. It was childish behaviour. She then made out she was the victim and being punished. I just thought "do i need this??". I just told her I was sorry she couldn't see by taking things slowly it was a positive step to do things right and went to bed.


Declaring that if she cries because you don't want her is 'childish' - is completely disrespectful. It would be MUCH more respectful, especially in this instance, to take the time to find out WHY this hurt her.

Moreover, while I can see the sense in 'taking things slowly' I do NOT see the sense in refusing intimacy with her. It is my guess that this is an emotional need of hers - and your refusing to grant it is a negative. I see it as a form of punishment as well as she - am I being childish too? Take the time to re-establish a pattern of trusting her to do things the right way. Do NOT take the time to consider if you wish to build love with her. Build it now. Any extinguishers you perform will be setting you BACK.

We always advise three conditions to a return to the marriage, in order to start recovery (and then move on to building a more secure marriage):

No contact letter, transparent honesty (on the part of both partners) and a commitment to the marriage (on the part of both partners).

You write:



> I have noticed how childish she is when she doesn't get her own way and how she is always the victim. I'm not putting up with that.


How do you 'not put up with that'? Do you sit with her and communicate what you would like to see - and find out why she believes she is the 'victim'? Or do you command her to behave differently - either blatantly or subtly? Remember, you don't own her. You do not have the 'upper hand' here. Neither of you do. _You marriage has the upper hand._ Don't you think it is childish to simply demand your way, and belittle the one who disagrees - or doesn't perform the way you demand?

By working on your marriage, you should by now have a good idea of what happened that lead up to the affair. You should be aware that BOTH of you are culpable for the problems that lead to the affair - while your wife is culpable for choosing the affair rather than some other option. 

How much of the interaction between you two right now is a repeat of the actions that were problematic in the first place?


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

I do agree with T and W. don't punish her. Show the good side.


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## BlueEyedBeauty (Sep 27, 2010)

*ADVISE GIVEN
BY: CYNTHRIAA​*

You, really should not have slept with​Your, wife then if you, had no intendions on taking her back... You, now lead her on- I know this and I will tell you, that you are right "*She does and did want you back*"​ She, is scared to walk away from her so called lover for reasons you, do not even know. You've made it look like you were to take her back- that everything was (A) Okay between the two of you... When all you, really wanted was a night of fun... If you were not going to be taking her back- then you, should have left things alone and not act on her feelings.

She's in the wrong for cheating​But, you're also in the wrong for playing with her heart. It is not nice to toy with people's feelings​


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

Hi,

I just thought i'd post a quick update.

Wife has been back for several weeks now. She has not left her job for the financial reasons I specified earlier but we have identified a couple of new prospects for her and she is geared up for leaving. We often search together for jobs. I know this is massive for us and she knows how important it is for our recovery.

Things in general are okay. We have had some great family days together and some great evenings at home as a couple. We have not faced family yet or anyone as a couple for that matter. That is in the next phase, my wife wants to write a letter to my parents then have a chat with them.

We have had some more emotional chats that have put space between us temporarily but we are communicating well and both trying to appreciate each others difficulties in the situation.

I still think about "them" at random times, sometimes when we are in bed together and despite my efforts she does sense this.

We have some joint counselling lined up in a few weeks which should be good.

A No Contact letter is in the pipeline and has been half-written. Although to be honest it would appear that he wants no contact with her anyway. He is very cross and feels stupid because she left him so soon after moving in. He is making her feel awkward when he is in work and is only actually turning up to the office 1 day a week!

I have full access to her phone and all accounts, she doesn't like it but offered it as she knows it is necessary.

So I know we haven't ticked all the boxes yet (job.letter etc). But she is home and is settling back into our family, she reassures me and is keen to spend time with me. It's a good start and right now I am confident we can continue making progress.




Tanelornpete said:


> Declaring that if she cries because you don't want her is 'childish' - is completely disrespectful. It would be MUCH more respectful, especially in this instance, to take the time to find out WHY this hurt her.


I perhaps should have elaborated a little more. She was crying because it was "poor old me - i'll never be trusted, i'll always be the evil one". I have tried to re-assure her that this won't be the case. I do see your point about finding out why she was upset etc. I guess at the time, considering the circumstances, I was wanting her to understand me and see why I perhaps wasn't ready, seeing my pain/needs.



Tanelornpete said:


> Moreover, while I can see the sense in 'taking things slowly' I do NOT see the sense in refusing intimacy with her. It is my guess that this is an emotional need of hers - and your refusing to grant it is a negative. I see it as a form of punishment as well as she - am I being childish too?


I'm not sure you are being childish but maybe you need to look at it from my point of view as the BS. I love my wife but she had been sleeping with another man, in his bed, for several weeks. Jumping back into bed with her, at the time, seemed a bit raw and painful for me. I just needed a little time to adjust and get my head together.


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

hi buddy ...

how is your life ... just wanna hear the update


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

hi,

not posted for a long time so thought i would update those who are interested,

For those who don't know my story, my wife of 4 years left me in may and i soon found out after she was in a ea/pa with her boss at work. After lots of trickle truth and lies i got the full picture and she told me she was moving in with her boss.We have a 3 year old son who we split time with 50/50.

After 5 weeks she did a u-turn and came home, she has now been at home for 6-7 weeks and we are 'working' on the marriage. 

I have put 'working' in inverted commas because that was the plan but things have not been that straight forward. My wife suffers from depression/anxiety/stress/ocd and since coming home she has begun to crumble under the weight of her guilt and self-worthlessness.When she first came home the plan was for her to find another job and she also gave me access to phone records, phone, email etc. She has since told me that she can't live like that and she has childhood issues about being watched/snooped on relating to her step-mum. She has locked everything down again and has admitted that she is not strong enough to find another job. She says her health is the most important thing and she has to work on getting herself out of the black hole that she feels she is in. She regrets that the things she does for herself may unfortunately not be the things the marriage needs to heal. That isn't to say she makes no effort, she let's me know where she is and has made some very difficult steps to reconcilliation with my family.

Here is the most worrying thing, I feel myself and my feelings changing toward her. Instead of growing back together we seem to be becoming more distant from each other. We had a big row a few weeks ago because i told her i had been through her laptop, she said she couldn't handle being spyed on and threatened to leave to her dads and take our son with her.. i hung up. She immediately rang back and apologised and said it was wrong to say that and it was never going to happen and was an empty threat thrown in defense as she felt she was under attack.

I can almost feel my love for her trickling through my fingers, of course I want her to get better and her health is a priority but I am struggling to sympathise as much as i used to and engage in her troubles. She says the situation is nothing to do with her depression but I can see it has made her worse. She can't face or engage in any intimacy with me as she says she doesn't feel connected to me. I have days when I think taking her back was my biggest mistake and perhaps I will be stuck in a marriage with a depressive who doesn't show me any love or intimacy - which is how i have felt for two years now. Is this normal?? Some days I just want out, the pain of losing my son for a percentage of his time will be bad but the feeling of being in a marriage of convenience is worse.

I do not feel angry with her, I sat her down last night and we calmly talked about our feelings. She says she is numb to everything and everyone and for a large part of the time feels she doesn't want to live her life. I told her I am unhappy with things and I am worried about her and how she has deteriorated since coming home. I think we are both unsure that what is happeneing is the right thing but both are scared it's just a phase and it can still work. I have told her that I don't think we can ever heal while OM is still in the picture in any way, shape or form. But it is clear she hasn't the strength or confidence to get another job. She feels the job is pinning her up right now. I have to trust they don't talk or meet and she tries to confirm that to me but how will i ever know and sometimes I wish they were and that she would leave me again and I would have the house to myself again.

strange, hard times.... the saga continues....


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Broken 

A few facts of life. Your wife will never get over the OM unless she has zero contact with him, she is baulking moving as she is addicted and has to see him. No contact means no contact permanently.

Do yourself the single biggest favour and get her out of that job, there will never be a recovery while this goes on, you are snooping , yet you have no knowledge what they say at work

You are far to concerned about your material possessions ie. your house. Your marriage is so important that you should sell your house, downgrade and get her to leave her job. You and your wife will have every excuse not to do what needs to be done, stop making excuses and together throw yourselves into your marriage. 

Create a plan, sit with her, share the plan, give her a goal to work to and work to achieve that goal. Make sure she knows she is not a pay check, if she leaves her job she can start recovering, I know you say you can’t afford to live on yours but hey do you want to be married or divorced because that's where you are heading. 

Let her know she must not feel guilty, this is a “we” marriage and together “we” will overcome all problems. Use those words. Don't fight her, plan A is to be an amazing husband,,,,,what happened. You continue with Pan A and provide her with the support, tell her this; get her to trust you, actions speak loudly. Travel to her work and take her out to lunch, even if it is sandwiches in the park, kiss her on the lips when you meet her and say goodbye, tell he you LOVE her, she needs to hear this. Console her and do what you as a husband must to do to support her. 

Sit down and read the “his need her needs” book. She may not want to, try explain that you love her and it will help both of you get over this pain and build an amazing marriage 

Did you merge your finances as suggested? If not why not, sit with her and explain that you will be doing this as a couple, show leadership, your wife is still in withdrawal and at the moment she is not your equal, she is still in the fog of the affair and it has not cleared.

Your wife had an affair because something was missing. Its the whole package start acting and behaving like a couple not two singletons who holiday separately, go out with separate friends, every day you must act and behave like a couple


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would tell her that if she will not quit that job, you are going to file for separation. I've been depressed 15 years, I've had issues, but I know the difference between right and wrong.

She doesn't change because she knows she doesn't HAVE to, with YOU. You just keep letting her do what she wants, and she knows it.

If you want to help HER, give her this ultimatum. FORCE her to face her own demons.


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

some good points raised, thanks.

"A few facts of life. Your wife will never get over the OM unless she has zero contact with him, she is baulking moving as she is addicted and has to see him. No contact means no contact permanently."

I know this and that is one of the main issues. She can't leave her job.. it is quite unique and not much like it in our area. She has been a career woman since I met her and always told me how crucial the job is to her self-worth and well being. She feels dangerousll low as it is at the moment and won't dare quit. She doesn't have the confidence to interview either. It's almost like to stay in the marriage I have to accept it won't change for a good while yet until SHE feels better.

"You are far to concerned about your material possessions ie. your house. Your marriage is so important that you should sell your house, downgrade and get her to leave her job"

The house has been on the market since she left, we don't have a lot of equity but I am considering lowering the price to try and sell. Not a great time of year though!

"I know you say you can’t afford to live on yours but hey do you want to be married or divorced because that's where you are heading. "

Because of her inability to do do what needs to be done to try and heal the marriage and what she has done in the affair for the last 2 years I'm starting to ask serious questions about whether being in the marriage is best for ME.

"Travel to her work and take her out to lunch, even if it is sandwiches in the park, kiss her on the lips when you meet her and say goodbye, tell he you LOVE her, she needs to hear this. Console her and do what you as a husband must to do to support her."

I know this is a good idea (I don't work close enough but get your point). It's hard right now to muster the energy to keep doing this sort of thing. I have been doing it for months and have got nothing back yet.

"Did you merge your finances as suggested? If not why not,"

Because she has more debt than me... I have been sensible, drive a cheap car etc. She has splashed out on a £20000 car and spends like it is going out of fashion. I hear what your saying by being a partnership but it would seem a little silly to take her debt from her when she has yet to see any consequences of her affair and offered me little in terms of healing the marriage. I have been a doormat for a while this would be continuing in my eyes. She gets to go off and have an affair and come back when she feels like it, drive a fancy car, while I pay for her CC bills and car and take her flowers and give her kisses and tell her I love her????? While she offers me no affection??

"She doesn't change because she knows she doesn't HAVE to, with YOU. You just keep letting her do what she wants, and she knows it."

I agree totally, she is just realising I'm not happy and has noticed me feeling differently and I think it is scaring her into starting to realise I will not be there regardless of how I am treated. see what happens next I guess.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Tunera is right. She has been allowed to live how she wants, not how she should. She wants it all. The boyfriend and the husband. The freedom and the responsibility. She never hit bottom so the charade continues. She needs to be by herself. without any contact from you. You set your boundaries. You tell her till that you require that she quits and finds another job, and needs to go live with her dad. She is like a child. She wants the freedom but doesn't want to accountable for her actions. Tell her to go. Do not put your finances together with hers. She has to hit bottom and work to be happy with herself. She blames all of the bad in her life on you. You are a kill joy. That's because you have bailed her out emotionally to often. She needs to come to the realization *"That whereever she goes, there she is"*. And that she is the problem not you.


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

another update.

well.....my wife and I have decided to go our separate ways. I know a lot of people might think we are doing the wrong thing but I just ran out of patience/energy and my feelings, after so much bashing, started to change toward my wife.

WE have parted as friends and will stay living together while it is convenient until the house sells. Neither of us want to move out at this point. It seems she just can't do the things that are necessary to heal the marriage. Leaving the job being the main one! It turns out OM still talks to her about stuff at least once a week and that was enough for me. She says he just switches from business to berating her about how she has ruined his life. She won't entertain the idea of me talking to him and I can't trust her. I'm tired of the whole thing and am starting to think I will be in for a lifetime of dishonesty and pain. And through it all I have been and would be supporting her through her depression. Her heart is not in it which hurts and consequently my heart has started to dis-engage.

It is such a shame for my son but I have been in a one-sided, unfulfilling relationship for 2.5 years now. Time to put me first. I am excited about getting my own place and seeing new people and I feel relief that I will be leaving so much heart-ache, pain, frustration, troubles and dishonesty behind.

Not what i would have wanted in my life plan but life goes on...


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Best of luck I think that is the best choice given the scenarios you have described!! Many woman out there that would love to have you!!

You have son and there is a lot of life to live no reason to be miserable. I say GOOD CHOICE!!


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

:iagree::iagree:


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I_feel_broken~

I have to admit I am saddened to hear this but based on the facts that she hasn't quit her job, is still in contact with the OM through business, and won't allow you to see her phone or computer...I'm not surprised at this outcome. I personally believe her self-worth would grow if she did the right thing and worked to build happiness and love with the father of her child, but sadly I don't think she has the courage to face her own self. 

I'm glad you were honest with yourself, and I am sad to see this end but I do believe you can hold your head up with a clear conscience.


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> I_feel_broken~
> 
> I have to admit I am saddened to hear this but based on the facts that she hasn't quit her job, is still in contact with the OM through business, and won't allow you to see her phone or computer...I'm not surprised at this outcome. I personally believe her self-worth would grow if she did the right thing and worked to build happiness and love with the father of her child, but sadly I don't think she has the courage to face her own self.
> 
> I'm glad you were honest with yourself, and I am sad to see this end but I do believe you can hold your head up with a clear conscience.


Thanks people,

AC - I think this is a fairly accurate assessment. I think things could have been different had she been able to do the necessary things. I have tried to be patient as can be. She does have to face her own self and she has admitted that - i'm just not sure when she will have the courage and will to do it.

I have a strong family and good friends around me... unfortunately she doesn't. She is already feeling alone. I think she will regret this but I can't carry on with her just because she will be lonely without me


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

Well I'm back on my thread with a long overdue update!

The main reason I haven't updated is because I haven't really been trying to focus and over analyse my situation. Back at the end of november my wife and I decided to call it a day (see above). Since then I have simply been trying to concentrate on the future and make the most of things. My wife have been living at home together but in separate rooms, the house is still up for sale and not a lot has changed. Christmas was hard, I had our son on Christmas Day though which was nice.

For the past 4 weeks my wife and I have not argued once and have got on really really well. I think this is down to the fact I had made a decision to accept what was happening and begin enjoying my life. I decided to make the most of the time we had in the house together with our son so we have been doing some family stuff. I could start to see my old wife and sometimes it felt crazy that we were splitting. Some people would have advised I should be in a plan B by now but I didn't see that would help my situation, we had to live together and if I made it difficult it would have been a nightmare.

fast forward to this week just gone. I took my son on holiday for 3 days with my family and left W at home, she openly said she really wanted to come but I felt I could not invite her. When we returned it felt so good coming home to her and she was really pleased to see us.

On Sunday she said she wanted to talk to me. She told me that she loved me and wanted to be with me and make our family work. She says she wants to leave her job and put an end to everything. She then admitted that her and OM (her MD at work) were basically still in an EA but she knew she didn't want it any more and she didn't know how to get out.

Anyone who know my story knows this is about the fourth time I have been here!! Why is this time different? I guess the only thing different is this time I have not mentioned anything for weeks, no affair talk, no relationship talk, no pressure, no "snooping". This time it feels she has come to the conclusions all by herself. We have slept in the same bed for the last two nights and she has held me although she doesn't want to make love right now.

Am I crazy for falling into this again?? she came home with jobs printed off and new houses that we could move to to make things more affordable. Holidays we could go on etc...

I can't think straight. She is really poorly with her depression at the moment and the doc changed her prescription on Monday to try and counter this. She is so stressed with the pressure of her job, but more so this whole situation. 

I feel like making demands but it seems to immediately put distance between us and send us back into our dark place. Should I?? or should I just concentrate on my own stuff and leave it up to her to do it by herself?

just tired of it all now.


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

this is an email I have drafted:


Hi,

I’m putting this an email because I think you will think I am being aggressive if I say this to you and you will get defensive and upset. I’m not being aggressive, just honest and sincere.

I really want everything to work, all our mistakes to be forgiven and for us to have a family and marriage that makes us both happy.

I know you are struggling with your personal issues and work and I want to help you as much as possible. I meant what I said last night about supporting you through everything but I also need the right signals from you to make me secure enough to help you. I know you know everything I might say in this email and you were right last night when you said that we can’t begin on us until he is out of the picture. 

You know you now need to do something, something to show me that this time is real and final and you mean what you say. Something that will help fix this situation properly. 

You need to tell OM once and for all you and him are finished. I know this might make things awkward for you at work and I know this is going to make you feel stupid and will be hard upsetting him. But doing this properly is not just important to you it is important to me and to us. Right now I feel stupid and hurt that another man thinks my wife is in love with him and is leaving me for him. If we are to work things out I shouldn’t have to feel like this. If you can do this it shows me that you can put our marriage first and put my hurt and recovery before his needs/feelings and your comfort.

He needs to be told that you have no interest in making things work with him.
You have realised you don’t want a life with him
You love me and want to be with me
That you are sorry that you have caused this hurt to your husband and family and are going to take the required steps to make things right
That he can’t treat you badly at work because of this
That although you are sorry he is hurting he must take responsibility for pursuing a married woman with a family and move on.
To ensure this works :- whilst you are working together he must never discuss anything but work and he must never contact you outside of work hours. Once you have left he must never contact you ever again

If you can’t do this please tell me now. Whatever happens, however bad things get I am here for you....


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Send it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

Don't send it. 

You have fallen for this before, are you or the OM REALLY going to believe what she says? She may be sincere at the time but once she spends time away from him she will begin to doubt her feelings.

You need a lot more than promises and words before you put your heart on the line again. Be patient and let her prove with actions that she is serious.

And find out what medication she is taking - this could be huge factor in her decision making.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Send it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

Powerbane said:


> Send it!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree , Send it


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

send it.


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## land2634 (Jun 7, 2010)

I agree with both sides above, in this context: Send it, but as always, you need to see actions to match the words. The way you talk, you realize that her finding a new job is going to be a huge factor. True no contact can never happen until she's out of that work environment.

Will she have trouble finding a similar job? Maybe. Will the two of you have financial troubles? Maybe, but those things can be recovered and rebuilt while your marriage can not continue to survive an affair.

It's good that your wife says she's seeing that she wants things to work with you, but also be weary that she could just be trying to have her cake and eat it to. That's where it comes back to the point of actions matching words. Just make sure you prepare yourself for all possibilities, including the possibility that she's getting scared at the prospect of losing the financial security you provide that has, to this point, allowed her to continue seeing the OM. She may realize he won't be as much fun if you're not there to provide for her.

You seem to at least be approaching the situation with caution. I'll be hoping and praying that your wife is truly ready to move forward so that the two of you can actually work on your marriage without battling an ongoing affair. You've already seen that work on the marriage can't be done with the OM in the picture. Keep up the good work and keep us posted!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

i_feel_broken said:


> Whatever happens, however bad things get I am here for you....


Very bad thing to say after the rest of what you said.
It completely contradicts the main message that you are willing to be there for her under the conditions you have noted.


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

thanks everyone.

Before I could send it my wife phoned me at lunch time and told me she was feeling very unwell so was heading home. I left work and came home and then nursery called and my son has chicken pox so we have all been at home this afternoon!

I did not send it but either intend to talk to her later or send it tomorrow. I am going out with some friends tonight to see a comedian so will have a bit of timeout. She is acting very pro marriage, pro-family. enjoying it but staying cautious.

Land - thanks for your post. I have continued to follow your story amongst others on here. I hope you are doing okay.

"Very bad thing to say after the rest of what you said.
It completely contradicts the main message that you are willing to be there for her under the conditions you have noted."

Hicks - yeah a good point. I sort of meant that if she meets my conditions I would be there for her but not phrased very well.

About 10 of our friends are going out for Sunday lunch next week and have invited me. I told wife and she said she wanted to go. I said I would love to have her and my son there but before I begin including her in my life/plans etc. OM will need to be told and the situation dealt with. She said she is hopefully going to tell him tomorrow or Friday and she feels awful that it is hurting me.

This may be an obvious question but do you think I should put pressure on her to do this now when I ask for it to be done out of respect for me. Or should I avoid confrontation and see if she does it in the next couple of days like promised


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Your mail simply states your position for her to return to the marriage, the mail is not confrontational ,the only change you may want to consider is after she has the conversation with him she mails a formal no contact letter copies you and perhaps her parents in. There is a letter on the affaircare site that covers a work situation. This takes away any mistranslation of what she says to him, as you are not there this should help you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would add: 
"You must do this in a No Contact letter that you will write and I will read and approve. If you are unwilling to do this, I will continue to make plans to divorce.

You must give two weeks notice at the same time as the letter. If I find out you didn't, I will continute to make plans to divorce."

And leave off the last sentence. Whatever happens, you will NOT be there for her - not if you get divorced.

Or did you mean whatever happens after you tell him it's over? If so, add that to clarify.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You also need to stipulate "We are going to start going to marriage counseling, and I will have to see real work on your part before I can commit again."


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Until she practically hates the OM, it's not going to be over. She admitted the EA is still going on and it won't be as easy to walk away from it as she thinks.

Don't let your guard down, you may very well have a fifth time over. I only had 3 myself.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

some of the things you've said ring very true with my W and her depression/weakness/selfishness... I am in the middle of a situation close to what it sound like you are going through (link)... though not as far along it seems. We also have a 3 year old and her EA has been ongoing for almost 2 years, waffling back and forth, etc, etc..... Many of the feelings you shared I also have felt at various stages (I also wonder how I would feel if she came back fully) and I am also growing very weary of this process (detaching)... 

Thank you for continuing to share, I wish you well.


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

"Or did you mean whatever happens after you tell him it's over? If so, add that to clarify."

turnera - yes that is what I meant but if i send it that definitely needs clarification!! thanks



Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> some of the things you've said ring very true with my W and her depression/weakness/selfishness... I am in the middle of a situation close to what it sound like you are going through (link)... though not as far along it seems. We also have a 3 year old and her EA has been ongoing for almost 2 years, waffling back and forth, etc, etc..... Many of the feelings you shared I also have felt at various stages (I also wonder how I would feel if she came back fully) and I am also growing very weary of this process (detaching)...
> 
> Thank you for continuing to share, I wish you well.


Pit - I have followed your story and posted on your thread I think but i'll refresh today. thanks for your thoughts. It is such a confusing time as LS, it seems I want everything back and then when it looks like that may happen some truth comes out that hurts again and thoughts creep in about whether things really can change and you can be happy with someone who is prepared to repeatedly cause you so much pain!. Sometimes I read back the document I have kept about events in the last 9 months and I can't believe i'm still in this at all!

Well before I went out last night I asked my wife if she would up when I got back as I wanted a chat. She said yes but demanded I tell her what it was about. We ended up having the chat there and then. What happened is sort of how I expected and I felt completely emotionally controlled by it. I was very angry.

I was extremely calm and non-aggressive throughout. I expressed how important it was to me and our marriage that OM was told properly (outlined what was in my email). She said she knew all that but was too ill to do it properly and if I wanted it done properly I would have to wait till she was feeling a bit better. She said it would be very hard for her to do it as it would make things hard for her at work. She said I don't understand how she feels right now - how poorly she is and how much pressure she is under. It is easy for me to ask her to do it but it is much harder for her doing it. She said OM is pressuring her to do things and I am pressuring the other way and she feels like she can't breathe. Says she feels like she doesn't want to live.

I was very angry on the inside but I stayed calm and explained that I was a disappointed that she was still willing to allow my hurt to continue to avoid doing something that would hurt OM and avoid difficulties for her. I explained how many times I had heard this but not seen the right actions. She flipped, started screaming over and over again and threw herself on the bathroom floor. I just walked away as I knew my son would be upset by what he had heard. I then went up and picked her of the floor, she was sobbing and unresponsive. I calmly said "it's okay, it's hard for me to see you like this and I don't want you to feel like this or for our son to see you like this." Let's just cool it and go back to the plan. I then left. Normally I would have cancelled my plans and nursed her and comforted her but I knew it wasn't my fault and I felt totally controlled.

Anyway 30 mins later she called me and apologised. Said she knew she had to do it. She has also been nice to me this morning and is taking time off work.

It feels like I basically called her bluff on this. I have never done it before as it is very hard to do this with a depressive - especially one you love who is talking about not wanting to live. It seems to have worked. I'm honestly starting to believe she is using her depression to control the situation. Not in a spiteful deliberate way but it works for her.

Today I am again thinking I can do without all this ****. There is bound to be an easy going woman out there who would love me and treat me really well. Is she what I want???? I will probably think differently in a couple of hours!!!!

thanks again for posts/advice


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Cake eating comes to mind, She is in this state because you are calling her bluff, carry on being you, step away like you have done before , she knows what she has to do and she has to be less than nice to the OM and leave her job. That is her single biggest problem and if she does not come round in your time frame she will lose you permanently. Keep your emotional investment for yourself and your son, decide if you still want her in your bed, speak with empathy to her but ensure she knows there is no more accepting excuses from her , she either sorts it out or loses you and your son. 

At this stage follow your original plan of selling the house and moving on with your son.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Wow! I believe the key to your success is your acceptance of the circumstances and regaining your mojo/self respect. Great work done on you. She can't help to see the great guy you are. I can't recall if you read Harley's "Surviving an Affair". Just check his 4 rules out. You are so far along in your personal recovery that it should not have difficulty keeping an even keel. 
It is great to hear from you. Good luck and keep us posted.


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

You and pit are in very similar situations to me. Depressed and unable to be objective, everything is about them and how they feel. They know what they are doing is wrong but don't have the strength to sort themselves out.

You on the other hand do, either you continue to hurt AND be at her mercy or you continue to hurt for a limited time and walk away.

You need to find what meds she is taking for her depression. There are plenty of stories where meds destroy marriages, if she is on them they could be working against you.


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## land2634 (Jun 7, 2010)

I think you're spot on about her using her depression to control the situation. I think you did the right thing by being mindful of the depression while also not allowing her to use it as a tool to get to you last night. At some point, she will need to come to the realization that the OM obviously doesn't care about her as much as she'd like to think. After all, if he really cared, he wouldn't have tried to separate a married woman from her family! If he cared, he'd do the right thing and back off.


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

she just sent me this email:

Hello, Can you look at the below and let me know what you think. Going to docs in morning, think I need some time off, I don’t feel well and it feels bad this time.


Symptoms of a Nervous Breakdown & Early Warning Signs
There are physical, emotional and behavioral warning signs and symptoms of a nervous breakdown. They include:

Physical symptoms of a nervous breakdown

Sleep disruption - much longer periods of sleep or insomnia (got my night terrors/sweats and tired all the time)
Diarrhea (today, yes)
Constipation (yes)
Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) (yes)
Breathing problems (yes, short of breath all the time at mo, and last nights episode)
Migraine headaches (yes)
Low libido (yes)
Memory loss (yes)
Disrupted menstrual cycle (2 weeks late last month and a week early this month)
Extreme exhaustion/fatigue (yes)
Feelings of persistent anxiety or panic attacks (yes)
Significant changes in appetite, such as eating too little or too much (comfort eating) (yes)
Visual/eye disturbances (yes)

Emotional symptoms 

Anxiety (yes)
Depression (yes)
Agitation and restlessness (yes)
Indecision (yes)
Loss of confidence and selfesteem (yes)
Inability to stop crying (yes)
Feelings of guilt, poor judgment (yes)
Disinterest in social life and work or alienation from previously close friends and family (yes, on and off)
Hearing voices (yes)
Inability to pursue a normal life, normal activities or normal relationships (not sure)
Increasing dependence on alcohol or drugs (want wine al the time but no)
Paranoid thoughts, such as the thought people are trying to harm you (yes & dreams)
Seeing people who are not there (no)
Thoughts of dying or wish to die (yes)
Thoughts of grandeur or invincibility (no)
Having flashbacks to a prior traumatic event (no)

Behavioral symptoms

Mood swings (yes)
Strange behavior such as odd body movements or undressing in public (scratching, stroking and flicking)
Exhibiting strong or violent anger (kind of, feel like it a lot but don’t...apart from last night)


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## land2634 (Jun 7, 2010)

If she's really feeling that way, she indeed needs to get some help. What are your thoughts right now?


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

this was my response:

"sounds like it could be a possibility. definitely worth exploring with the doctor

this may sound harsh. it is 100% not meant to be and i realise you are probably aware of this but i'm going to say it because it is advice that should be said to help you. You are obviously suffering badly from depression, stress, anxiety and all the rest of the things you have outlined. And you were obviously suffering from some of these prior to this whole situation. But alot of the symptoms must be coming from this situation and unfortuantely no amount of pills, counselling etc can change the situation. the situation needs changing to allow you to start recovery.

I know you are probably angry because you think I am dismissing that you have intrinsic problems. I am only saying this because i care

you can go to the doctor, counselling, take pills but if this situation is still there when your head hits the pillow it will continue to crush you and those around you."

I have spoken with her on the phone since and she thought I sounded angry. I explained that there was no anger there but it was simply an honest assessment of the problem. She agrees that she needs to resolve the problem as well as the hurt that the problem has caused.

I have no idea where this is going to go and when! This may sound like I am being nonchalant about things but sometimes when I think about what would happen if she was to leave again my main concern is not losing her but losing any time with my son. That isn't to say I don't want everything to work but if we didn't have a son I'm not sure I would be tolerating so much. I may be wrong. I know there is also an element of pride fuelling my desire to get my wife back. I would love him to realise I have won the battle and he is alone. I am not really a bitter person and he has started on meds because of the pressure of this situation but I still want to make sure he doesn't get my wife. This seems supidly childish but I can't help but feel this!!??

I just hope if things go my way and the dust settles my feelings for my wife which I know are still there are also burning as strongly as ever.


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

land2634 said:


> If she's really feeling that way, she indeed needs to get some help. What are your thoughts right now?


I agree but what does she expect really?? anyone with feelings in her situation would be feeling the pressure and beginning to crumble. How can she expect to get better while this situation exists!!?? Her answers are mostly true unfortunately, from the discussions I have had with her over the past few months she is suffering more than I have ever known her to in the past


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## land2634 (Jun 7, 2010)

Yeah, she'll need to truly realize that it'll take some work on her part to get better. There is no magic pill to make things better, which is exactly what you told her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

i_feel_broken said:


> I'm honestly starting to believe she is using her depression to control the situation. Not in a spiteful deliberate way but it works for her.


Ya think?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Your response was excellent.

PLEASE keep a mental checklist of ways in which you will no longer be sucked into her pity party/whitewash of her actions.

Please keep reiterating at every time she tries to 'blame' it all away that SHE is responsible for this, and also that YOU will not stick around forever; not this time.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

geez, your W sounds SOOOOOOO much like my W.

Im learning quite a bit about about my situation by reading yours. Strange how much more clear it is looking at it with the benefit of no emotional attachment...

I think you clearly recognize this (as I am recognizing in my WS /situation)

She is pulling out all the stops, and every trick in her bag right now to keep you in her game. She is manipulating you on a grand scale.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

You are doing an excellent job, i_feel_broken. Just...EXCELLENT. What she's trying to say is: "See I can't end my affair right now because I'm having a nervous breakdown" when in reality she is having the breakdown BECAUSE insider of her she is not at peace! And she's not at peace because she knows adultery is wrong and she won't end it. 

She can go to doctors, counselors and take pills all she wants but they will not cure her from doing what she knows inside herself is wrong. This is why we often suggest that people not "turn to pills" first--and get rather pasted for it--but it's because in real life when there is adultery, it is SAD and the way to fix the pain and sad is not to avoid it but to work through it. Pills sometimes mask the symptoms but don't fix the cause (note: I said SOMETIMES...not always). 

I think it's pretty much come down to end the affair and probably quit the job--or end the marriage. And she really wants to just continue having her cake and eating it too! So good for you for seeing through her attempts to manipulate the situation. I would suggest now that you set a bit of a "deadline" for her to act, and I don't mean tell her "You have one week to end contact or quit the job"--I just mean inside yourself set a deadline that seems reasonable to you such as maybe waiting two weeks and if nothing is done but claiming to be ill and taking pills...then you'll know she has no intention of ending it. 

BTW, just a reminder: It takes about 5 minutes to type up a resignation letter, print it, email it, and send it in the mail. THAT 5 MINUTES of effort is what is required to make things right, so do not allow her to pull the wool over your eyes. She can do it.


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> You are doing an excellent job, i_feel_broken. Just...EXCELLENT. What she's trying to say is: "See I can't end my affair right now because I'm having a nervous breakdown" when in reality she is having the breakdown BECAUSE insider of her she is not at peace! And she's not at peace because she knows adultery is wrong and she won't end it.
> 
> She can go to doctors, counselors and take pills all she wants but they will not cure her from doing what she knows inside herself is wrong. This is why we often suggest that people not "turn to pills" first--and get rather pasted for it--but it's because in real life when there is adultery, it is SAD and the way to fix the pain and sad is not to avoid it but to work through it. Pills sometimes mask the symptoms but don't fix the cause (note: I said SOMETIMES...not always).
> 
> ...


Thanks affaircare. It's been a really tough weekend. My wife has been signed off work for a week maybe two. She is really struggling. Also our son has really bad chicken pox so none of us has had much sleep. She still hasn't told OM but she doesn't seem to allow me any space for being uncomfortable with that. She says she is spending the week off finding a new job and look for more affordable house. That's all great but until he has been told I feel like I am being walked over. I spent the day with my son today and had a great day. I'm growing tired of spending time as a family or with W when it feels fake
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Broken I agree with you, with your wife's history you cannot be expected to standby and trust her, protect yourself keep to your origin tactic. She may be fearful of the OM perhaps it needs a little time and the separation from work may clear her mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do not make any major decisions like moving UNTIL she has gone NC with OM. She will try to sweep it under the rug, and get you to 'accept' her as she is, such as by moving, and once you do, you'd sure better never bring up OM again because, after all, you two moved to a new place together! See how that works?


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

turnera said:


> Do not make any major decisions like moving UNTIL she has gone NC with OM. She will try to sweep it under the rug, and get you to 'accept' her as she is, such as by moving, and once you do, you'd sure better never bring up OM again because, after all, you two moved to a new place together! See how that works?


Turnera. I was thinking similar thoughts. I really don't want to leave my home unless we have to but in reality even if we could afford to stay it may be best to emphasize a fresh start.

I would like her to have a new job (or no job even!) before we commit to buying a place together. I would be more comfortable getting a place of my own otherwise.

W went for lunch with her best friend yesterday and apparently she told W that she hoped we could sort things out and that she really admired me for what I was doing. She told W that she doesn't think she could move past what W has done. I think this gave my W a bit of a wake up call. She says she feels truly like a bad person - a "rotten apple".

WELL.... today is valentines. I chose not to get my wife a card or present. Not out of spite, I just didn't want to compete with OM like that if he were to get her anything. My wife gave me a card and a small present this morning. The card had a heart felt message in which ill post shortly. All the signs are there (again). fingers crossed

thanks again for all posts of encouragement/advice


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Did she get the OM a card or present? 

Ask her outright if the OM gave her anything, I so what did she do with it?

If you choose to do something prepare a nice meal for her.

Hang in there and look after yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

Eli-Zor said:


> Did she get the OM a card or present?
> 
> Ask her outright if the OM gave her anything, I so what did she do with it?
> 
> ...


thanks Eli-Zor.

I didn't ask her if she had got OM anything and hadn't even mentioned him but before I left for work today she gave me a hug and told me she wanted me to know that she hadn't got him anything at all. She didn't want to. 

I just skyped her and explained I had not got her anything because it didn't feel right and I am not prepared to compete in that sense. She said OM hasn't got her anything and has never really bought her stuff in the past. This subject came up in the past when we were "working it out" she said then that OM never really gave her much apart from a very fancy/expensive kangaroo leather notepad. She fetched it for me and then when her friend came to stay she gave it to her. A while back my son came down with a soft toy i didn't recognise and when I asked where he got it from he told me OM had got it for him. I have since disposed of that (my son has loads of soft toys - he won't miss it and he has not mentioned it since).

I'm fairly sure nothing has swapped hands this valentines day. W has told me that she spoke with OM (her boss) on Friday to tell him that she had been signed off for a week. He tried to get her to leave and go and live with him, he is desperate for me to be told they are together. He doesn't understand why, if she is feeling so bad, that she wouldn't want to be with him. he said if it was the other way round and he was that down he would want to be with her. Wish I could ring him and tell him what W has said to me.....


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

wifes note in card:


There is so much I want to say but can't describe and so much I want to repair but know that damage is done.

I don't really understand the last 2 years or cant explain them but I do see now your love for me, what we have as a family and most of all I see my love for you again. It's always been there but in the places I have been (some very dark) it has been taken and replaced with frustration and sometimes hatred.

I am truly sorry.

Neither of us are perfect but I hope together we can learn to be...

I love and care for you and know what needs to be done to show you that...

If you will let me obviously!!!

Happy Valentines Day!!

I don't deserve you and I am so glad you are here. I have been blind to how much you love me and treated you badly.

I am so sorry!

I love you, always will!!

W xx


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

That's scarily close to the messages I get from my wife. When I get them all my doubts about not being together vapourise.

The problem is that people suffering from depression don't like to be depressed and those other thoughts of the OM resurface. You need to be patient and make sure she doesn't lose sight of the real love you have for each other. Actions will really tell you if she is sincere.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

nice card/message.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I didn't get a card, message or anything, first time in 15 years that I didn't get a homemade card from him and it bloody hurts.

I did just send him this:

Hey you,
This isn't an argumentative or angry text, it's not a 'need to discuss us' text either, but I do know I need to say it.
I enjoy the nice family time we have at the weekend with our kids and I really do enjoy your company, but I am now at the point where I am just going to give up on 'us' 
I'll sort out your stuff for you, so you don't have to waste time when you're with us. You know how I feel about you, but you've made it clear how you feel, this is what you want and I can't change that, you've said you don't want me or to make our marriage work, so it just makes sense for me to agree with what you want. You'll always be my Wonderwall and I'll never stop loving you til the day I die.

Happy Valentines Day Hubby. I hope you get what you want from life, I mean that sincerely.


Not quite the loving message I would usually give. But I just can't go through the hurt of waiting any more. If he loves me and wants me, he'll fight. I have to prepare for the worst.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ifb, none of this matters if she is still working for him.


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

AmImad said:


> I didn't get a card, message or anything, first time in 15 years that I didn't get a homemade card from him and it bloody hurts.
> 
> I did just send him this:
> 
> ...


Hi AmImad,

I have written and said similar things to my wife on several occasions and for a short while after I did my best to act like that. What tended to happen was that this would bring a little bit of fight and promise from her and I found myself going back on what I had said. Tbh I was weak and stopped too early. I hope you can be strong and continue to do what you have set out to do as I believe this will give you the best chance of saving things.

I have been following your story and I wish you the best of luck


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

turnera said:


> ifb, none of this matters if she is still working for him.


Turnera,

I haven't, in the past, always liked your sometimes direct/harsh replies. But unfortunately I have to agree with you here! I guess I don't always want to hear this sort of reply, I want to hear "wow she does love you and everything is going to be okay!". But this time I appreciate it as I know you are right and that is where my focus needs to be.


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

Indy Nial said:


> The problem is that people suffering from depression don't like to be depressed and those other thoughts of the OM resurface. You need to be patient and make sure she doesn't lose sight of the real love you have for each other. Actions will really tell you if she is sincere.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Couldn't agree more. I actually told her last night that her depression has meant that she has been given more leeway than in a normal situation like this. I told her if we do try and make this work this truly is LAST CHANCE and I mean that truly. 

Hope your situation is getting better


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

The thing is, I feel very calm about all this now, he replied saying he couldn't respond right now, but he will.

On the 27th it will be 4 months of seperation for us, I have chased, begged and pleaded, made a complete tit out of myself. 
I do really love my husband, and I really do want us to work, but it's never going to if I let him walk all over me, having his cake and eating it, isn't working for me now.

I intend to stick to my guns, being a sahm, has meant I've had time to wallow in my self pity, well not any more. Watch this space 

We have to be strong, I wish you all the happiness and Happy V day *hugs*


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

AmImad said:


> The thing is, I feel very calm about all this now, he replied saying he couldn't respond right now, but he will.
> 
> On the 27th it will be 4 months of seperation for us, I have chased, begged and pleaded, made a complete tit out of myself.
> I do really love my husband, and I really do want us to work, but it's never going to if I let him walk all over me, having his cake and eating it, isn't working for me now.
> ...


good plan - keep calm and strong and no need to wallow anymore you have been the the shock period. It has been 9 months so far in my case, 9 months of on, off, on, off and cake eating. She actually moved in with OM for 1 month! I do blame myself a bit for letting it carry on so long. Like you I have had enough and I think W knows that now. It is now or never. I hate the idea of not having my son around me all the time so it will be hard if I have to really call closure on it but I know if it comes to that I will have no choice.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

i_feel_broken said:


> good plan - keep calm and strong and no need to wallow anymore you have been the the shock period. It has been 9 months so far in my case, 9 months of on, off, on, off and cake eating. She actually moved in with OM for 1 month! I do blame myself a bit for letting it carry on so long. Like you I have had enough and I think W knows that now. It is now or never. I hate the idea of not having my son around me all the time so it will be hard if I have to really call closure on it but I know if it comes to that I will have no choice.



Well my H left and really hasn't looked back, I think he may only be starting to be coming out of the fog now. But who knows. We have 3 kids together, he chose to walk out on them, and doesn't seem to mind he only see's them at the weekend, but again that could just be how he comes across, he does call them every night. My H's OW was in Oz, think they came to a realisation it would never work, especially when she said she was going to make it work with her H... but even then my H didn't rush home saying he was sorry, I think maybe that was a good thing. He is still in contact with her, they are friends on FB, and chat via email occasionally, but while we aren't 'together' I can't do anything about it.

You can't help who you love can you? If we could our lives would be sooo much more easier. Funnily enough he's said the same, if he didn't feel anything for me, he would have walked away completely...:scratchhead:


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

i_feel_broken said:


> Turnera,
> 
> I haven't, in the past, always liked your sometimes direct/harsh replies. But unfortunately I have to agree with you here! I guess I don't always want to hear this sort of reply, I want to hear "wow she does love you and everything is going to be okay!". But this time I appreciate it as I know you are right and that is where my focus needs to be.


Glad you recongize this.

She could have written "You are still my fall back choice. I'm still trying to see if I can make it work with OM. But please keep waiting indefinitely. Once I exhaust all possibilities with OM, I will come back to you. For now I will just say whatever it takes to keep you waiting."


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