# Whats your take on the response?



## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Tried to initiate something tonight with the wife but got shot down. But her statement made me wonder.

She said "Just because I don't want to have sex doesn't mean I don't love you?"

Not sure what to make of that? I appreciate being "loved" but the lack of sex doesn't make me feel that same connection.

And just out of curiousity, what would your response to her have been?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She really means I don’t love you enough to have sex with you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What she was saying is that marriage to you serves a purpose and she has sex now and then to keep things “even” (sex for you and security/financial support for her). She may even love you in her own way but since that’s not how you want to be loved it doesn’t really count as far as you’re concerned.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

I’d prolly stay out most of a night, without telling her where I was beforehand, and turn my phone off. When I got home later and she’s fuming, I’d say “Just because I didn’t call doesn’t mean I don’t love you”.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

not to play "quid pro quo" but you might remind her that phase can be played on her as well...next time she wants to go some where, or want something expensive...remind her that just because you don't get it that doesn't mean you do not love her...to me that line is a passive aggressive approach and should be wiped from each other vocabulary.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Tried to initiate something tonight with the wife but got shot down. But her statement made me wonder.
> 
> She said "Just because I don't want to have sex doesn't mean I don't love you?"
> 
> ...


Maybe that is what you think, but that is not how it feels. 

What would she say if you said, "Just because i had sex with other girl doesn't mean i dont love you". Kind of feels the same damn way and both can lead to the destruction of the marriage. 

Or
"What if you chose to not talk to her and when she gets upset, say tge same back to her. 

"Just because I don't want to talk to you, doesn't mean I don't love you?"


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Tried to initiate something tonight with the wife but got shot down. But her statement made me wonder.
> 
> She said "Just because I don't want to have sex doesn't mean I don't love you?"
> 
> ...


Is that how she turned you down? If not what prompted her to say that to you? Were you upset and she responded this way? 

I disagree with bringing comparisons to other things to sex. Sex is unique in that it's the one thing you can only get from a partner in a committed monogamous relationship. When you turn it into an commodities exchange, guess what? It becomes a commodities exchange.

Usually lack of sex is a symptom of something else. She may not feel physically or mentally attracted to you, or emotionally connected, or it could be a hormone imbalance, or a mental health issue she's suffering, or any one of other reasons. 

I'm here to tell you that it's not your place to mind read or guess. Your responsibility is to express your needs (sex strengthens your bond to her) and to create an environment where she feels safe to express hers. 

Your wife may very well love you but she may not fully understand that sex reinforces her desire for you. Ask her if she would want to be with you if you didn't find her sexually desirable. Then use that to open up the conversation to her needs. See if you can figure out the root cause to her lack of sexual desire for you. 

Data is worth more than gold. This discussion may lead you to possible solutions or to the understanding that there are no solutions. Both give you a path forward..... If you're willing to take it.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Thanks everyone. Some good input and I really appreciate it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Thanks everyone. Some good input and I really appreciate it.


Since your wife is incapable of understanding honor and commitment except for in an abstract way, what do you expect from her?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Fantastic reply by your wife, to the point that you are here asking what it means. It worked a treat.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I would have said something like, “You mean like my mom or my grandma?”


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

My wife tried another popular version of this when I initially confronted her with my grievances. One of my lines with her was something like, “You know I used to have roommates I didn’t have sex with. You know what they had in common? They were all men.”

Etc... zingers all day long she’s teeing them up for you.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

What was her reason for not having sex?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> And just out of curiousity, what would your response to her have been?


That's a lovely thing to say, wife, but my penis doesn't agree.


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## Emily Bronte (Mar 21, 2021)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Tried to initiate something tonight with the wife but got shot down. But her statement made me wonder.
> 
> She said "Just because I don't want to have sex doesn't mean I don't love you?"
> 
> ...


Welcome to the "club"! 
Honestly, don't think that it is men only who hear such words from their "asexual" wives. I am a woman who hears exactly the same thing from my husband. 
If I were you, I would have said that sex is the only thing I can't get from a good friend or a relative. Lots of people out there tend to abuse the word "love".


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Seriously, I think it depends on frequency of sex and rate of rejection.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Tried to initiate something tonight with the wife but got shot down. But her statement made me wonder.
> 
> She said "Just because I don't want to have sex doesn't mean I don't love you?"
> 
> ...


It's true enough in and of itself. However, that means nothing towards whether the marriage will survive. If you have two people who hardly want sex, then no issue. But when the drives are not close enough, a marriage might not last, unless accommodations are made.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

My response would be, "Just because I love you does not mean I want to stay married to you in that case."


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Tried to initiate something tonight with the wife but got shot down. But her statement made me wonder.
> 
> She said "Just because I don't want to have sex doesn't mean I don't love you?"
> 
> ...


This is why good communication is healthy for a relationship. Instead of wandering away...puzzled, trying to interpret what it means.....asking strangers on a website....strangers who didn't hear the conversation....couldn't read the tone, body language, the WAY you initiated, what was going on prior, is she sleepy, stressed, tired, were you both close the talking, laughing, enjoying each other, having fun, was one thing playfully and with flirting, leading to another or did you just blindside her out of left field with a sex request when she was half asleep. Are you both close and content, is the marriage stressed and a distance is growing between you? Is she upset about anything?
Who knows? I have no idea. It could be 1,000 different things.

You need to communicate. Swallow your pride and talk to her about what she said, what it means, how you took it, how did it make you feel, what does sex mean to you, how often you desire sex, how often she desires sex.....etc. Don't just walk away with questions. Talk it out and get to the truth and get everyone's feelings and expectations out there.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Tried to initiate something tonight with the wife but got shot down. But her statement made me wonder.
> 
> She said "Just because I don't want to have sex doesn't mean I don't love you?"
> 
> ...


I’ve heard same. Basically it comes down to women need to feel loved to have sex while men need sex to feel loved. She probably sensed you were bummed out by her rejecting your advances. Wanted to make you feel better. Lately, when i try, I hear “I thought you’d suggest something tonight.” I asked if I should quit trying. She said “don’t quit.” Whatever!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Tried to initiate something tonight with the wife but got shot down. But her statement made me wonder.
> 
> She said "Just because I don't want to have sex doesn't mean I don't love you?"
> 
> ...


My advice for husbands who hear that is to respond - "ahh like a sister." See what your wife says. Hopefully she protests, but if she doesn't and this is consistently a problem then you can say - "well I don't have to be married to my sister to be loved. what's the point? I don't have to live with someone if it's a platonic friendship. I can have that and look for someone who wants to have sex with me." See how that goes over. 

I mean with your wife's statement how is one relative to the other. I mean I am sure from your perspective that is not the point.

She needs to understand without sex you don't feel close to her, and that is a very important part of marriage and love for that point. You don't feel connected. Yeah she loves you, but your sister loves you too right? KInda feels like the same thing after a while.

I mean at the end of the day people divorce for lack of sex, that also doesn't mean they "don't love" love that person too.

I personally think your wife doesn't get it.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

It means at least you'll have a great platonic relationship with her. My response would be "this kind of sucks and if you want to have a platonic relationship that's fine, but that's not good enough for me". Next step would be filing for D. Progressive steps.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Perhaps she doesn't understand how important it is to you and how not having sex makes you feel unloved. You need to make that very clear. It also needs to be clear that you want her specifically, not just release.

Is there something interfering with the connection between the two of you? I get a sense from a lot of these situations -here and elsewhere- that the connection between partners has somehow been broken. Many women need some emotional foreplay before moving into physical.

Do you guys hug and kiss or give other signs of affection when one is leaving the house, before bed, randomly throughout the day/night? Do you two talk? Do you both check in while gone for long periods of time? Do you do anything fun, especially something new, together?


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

hinterdir said:


> You need to communicate. Swallow your pride and talk to her about what she said, what it means, how you took it, how did it make you feel, what does sex mean to you, how often you desire sex, how often she desires sex.....etc. Don't just walk away with questions. Talk it out and get to the truth and get everyone's feelings and expectations out there.


This sounds great in theory, but I've discovered that it's hard to get an honest answer.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Tried to initiate something tonight with the wife but got shot down. But her statement made me wonder.
> 
> She said "Just because I don't want to have sex doesn't mean I don't love you?"
> 
> ...


I think that's very true, what she said. How long have you been married? After a few years, the passion love a woman had for you, due to overfamiliarity, seeing you 360 degrees, can and probably more often than not does change to a more familial feeling. Of course, children also change everything. 

But children or no, years of being domestic with you can do it. Especially if she's picking up after you and you become more of a child figure, but also the opposite, like if you have taken on a boss/parental role with her. If either partner is having to act in a parental role, it is a sex killer for women. Men seem to want sex no matter what the relationship has developed into, but women are just very often not that way at all and need the passion, but it's hard not to stop feeling like someone is a brother or father or child when you are with them a long time. 

Now if this is happening in your first, arbitrary number, 3 years, reason to worry -- unless she had kids and is now primarily focused on that, as most mothers are. 

And looking at the big picture, in marriage, it seems to be the norm that women simply don't want sex as often as men. You certainly don't want to be applying any pressure for her to do anything in bed, whatever it is, that she actually is doing for duty and not because she enjoys it, because that will make women avoid it entirely and just confine it to less often as well, when it becomes a chore.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

theloveofmylife said:


> Perhaps she doesn't understand how important it is to you and how not having sex makes you feel unloved.


Having sex when she doesn't want to makes HER feel very unloved, so this tactic is no kind of trump card. And since so many men want to have sex pretty much no matter what, it holds very little water.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Having sex when she doesn't want to makes HER feel very unloved, so this tactic is no kind of trump card.


I'm not suggesting he try to 'force' anything and I don't even know what to make of the trump card thing. My suggestion was to communicate that it hurts him, because she may not understand how deeply it does.

If he guilt trips her into it or w/e then it might make her feel unloved. However, if she thinks she is giving of herself in order to help him feel loved then I don't think so. Some spouses feel they are giving a gift with duty sex.



DownByTheRiver said:


> And since so many men want to have sex pretty much no matter what, it holds very little water.


I read your above post and agree with a good bit of it, but I question this quote (and the part about women not wanting sex as much as men do). 

If sex is all about release, then maybe. Yet, it seems to me that most men -especially those in a long term loving relationship- want connection as well.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

theloveofmylife said:


> I'm not suggesting he try to 'force' anything and I don't even know what to make of the trump card thing. My suggestion was to communicate that it hurts him, because she may not understand how deeply it does.
> 
> If he guilt trips here into it or w/e then it might make her feel unloved. However, if she thinks she is giving of herself in order to help him feel loved then I don't think so. Some spouses feel they are giving a gift with duty sex.
> 
> ...


Giving sex because he made her feel totally responsible for his happiness IS guilting her and pressuring her and asking for duty sex outright.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Not sure what to make of that? I appreciate being "loved" but the lack of sex doesn't make me feel that same connection.


Dawg youre giving us just enough information to cause us to screw up a response. Maybe you're asking it in a way to get the answer you want. How about telling us how many times do y'all do the deed in a months time and what % of the time does she tell no.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Didn’t you say on another thread that you’d already had your “time” together this week — if she agrees to once a week and that was done I’m not surprised she turned you down. She’s not interested in you sexually — at least not now that you’re married — but you’ve long known that.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

@FloridaGuy1 is your wife still the only person in your marriage who initiates sex (except for this instance), while you mostly passively wait for her to do what you should do more often?


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Personal said:


> @FloridaGuy1 is your wife still the only person in your marriage who initiates sex (except for this instance), while you mostly passively wait for her to do what you should do more often?


Personal
No its the other way around. I always intiate, she never does. But she isn't always receptive to my initiation. Maybe 1/4 to one half the time she is interested.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

VladDracul said:


> Dawg youre giving us just enough information to cause us to screw up a response. Maybe you're asking it in a way to get the answer you want. How about telling us how many times do y'all do the deed in a months time and what % of the time does she tell no.


Maybe 2-3x per month.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

@FloridaGuy1, does your wife show love in other ways besides sex?



DownByTheRiver said:


> Giving sex because he made her feel totally responsible for his happiness IS guilting her and pressuring her and asking for duty sex outright.


I think you skipped over important parts of my posts. 

I also wonder how you came to the above conclusion. Wanting sex with his wife is not unreasonable. Trying to fix this is not unreasonable. If it continues, he may end up leaving her. How pressured do you think she'll feel when he hands her divorce papers?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Maybe 2-3x per month.


Two or three times a month and one of those times had already happened this week and then you tried for a second time this week? No wonder you got shot down.


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## Emily Bronte (Mar 21, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Two or three times a month and one of those times had already happened this week and then you tried for a second time this week? No wonder you got shot down.


It's not about the overall frequency. 
It's about how the whole thing happens - unwillingly on her part, with frustration on his. When one of the partners is counting the days to the next act, feeling anxious and needing a crystal ball to find out whether he will be "blessed" tonight, there IS a problem.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Emily Bronte said:


> It's not about the overall frequency.
> It's about how the whole thing happens - unwillingly on her part, with frustration on his. When one of the partners is counting the days to the next act, feeling anxious and needing a crystal ball to find out whether he will be "blessed" tonight, there IS a problem.


Yes, it’s a known problem and it’s one with no good outcome, for the most part, because LD people tend to remain LD people. All the jumping through hoops that HD people do rarely works long-term. The OP’s wife isn’t very likely to just wake up one day. This is who she is and who she’ll remain — barring a miracle — for the rest of her life. When the LD person doesn’t see the problem, and isn’t interested in trying to fix it, then the HD person has a choice to make. The OP knows all that already but hope springs eternal.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Are you the poster who: she has to fantasize about being with a woman to orgasm, or am I thinking of someone else?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Personal
> No its the other way around. I always intiate, she never does. But she isn't always receptive to my initiation. Maybe 1/4 to one half the time she is interested.


Colour me confused?



FloridaGuy1 said:


> I am noticing my overall interest is declining based on my wife's lack of interest. If I do get an urge, (maybe only 1 or 2 times per month now) I watch some porn and take care of myself.
> 
> *Wife doesn't notice my lack of initiating* (or is happy about it?) but in general I am not as horny and wanting it as I used to be. Maybe I am just getting old but only mid 50s.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think that's very true, what she said. How long have you been married? After a few years, the passion love a woman had for you, due to overfamiliarity, seeing you 360 degrees, can and probably more often than not does change to a more familial feeling. Of course, children also change everything.
> 
> But children or no, years of being domestic with you can do it. Especially if she's picking up after you and you become more of a child figure, but also the opposite, like if you have taken on a boss/parental role with her. If either partner is having to act in a parental role, it is a sex killer for women. Men seem to want sex no matter what the relationship has developed into, but women are just very often not that way at all and need the passion, but it's hard not to stop feeling like someone is a brother or father or child when you are with them a long time.
> 
> ...


Totally agree with this. ^^^

OP: it is what it is. It is frustrating but you can't change your wife's desire at this stage. Accept it - with serenity - or leave. There are no alternatives. At least you are getting some sex.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Personal
> No its the other way around. I always intiate, she never does. But she isn't always receptive to my initiation. Maybe 1/4 to one half the time she is interested.


Initiate 2 to 4 times more often.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

She is saying she knows men feel loved during sex, but she doesn’t want to have sex right now and she wants to make sure that you know she does love you.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Livvie said:


> Are you the poster who: she has to fantasize about being with a woman to orgasm, or am I thinking of someone else?


Nope must be someone else


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Livvie said:


> Are you the poster who: she has to fantasize about being with a woman to orgasm, or am I thinking of someone else?


That was @Married_in_michigan


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

theloveofmylife said:


> @FloridaGuy1, does your wife show love in other ways besides sex?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I think most women are very disappointed if they find out that sex in the marriage is a man's number one focus while making a comfortable home for the family is theirs.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think most women are very disappointed if they find out that sex in the marriage is a man's number one focus while making a comfortable home for the family is theirs.


Somewhat understandable, but from my perspective, _I_ can make a comfortable home all on my own, and can find many women who can do that AND like having sex with me.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Married but Happy said:


> Somewhat understandable, but from my perspective, _I_ can make a comfortable home all on my own, and can find many women who can do that AND like having sex with me.


Same here, and that's at least part of the reason why I never got married. I would never want to be in a position where I was being pressured for sex at times when I wasn't at all in the mood for it. I never stayed with anyone past the point when I was eager to sleep with them. I would never have been happy performing duty sex on a regular basis or the attitude that I should put his needs before my own and his happiness before my own. 

I'm afraid it's just a fact of life that marriage and family and everything that entails domestically can erode the excitement from sex. I think women are more excited by the prospect of who the man is than what he's doing in bed and I think men are more excited by what a woman is doing in bed than the prospect of who the woman is.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If your wife doesn't seem particularly stimulated by you and she even has time to notice because all her time isn't monopolized by taking care of kids and housework and employment -- and this goes for single guys too -- make yourself more interesting by taking up new active outdoor hobbies, reading a variety of books to expand your intellectual base so you're not boring to talk to or predictable to talk to, being active physically, golf, fishing, hiking, bowling, whatever, and continuing to evolve. Of course, you're free to incorporate members of the family into your new hobbies where appropriate, but it's not strictly necessary.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> She said "Just because I don't want to have sex doesn't mean I don't love you?"


On its face… gaslighting answer. She wants more of a familial marriage but doesn’t want you to know.

I think a lot of people in these kinds of situations don’t want to be the one who says they don’t want to have sex as that’s a HUGE slap in the face or they’re having sex only because they have to. I also think women in general will turn themselves into a pretzel to avoid saying anything that would hurt someone’s feelings.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think most women are very disappointed if they find out that sex in the marriage is a man's number one focus while making a comfortable home for the family is theirs.


Really? I think most people want both. Why can't they make a nice home and family together but also have a great sex life?

I would be more disappointed if my husband stopped wanting sex.

As to the OP, I think my response would have been to straight up ask her why she doesn't want sex. I will also reiterate that it may have something to do with the emotional connection between the two of you. Hard to tell, since you didn't answer the questions about affection, etc.

Have you tried giving her more time to prepare? I know it doesn't sound hot and certainly not spontaneous, but for some people it helps to think about it all day first. Flirt with her in the morning. Give her a _passionate_ kiss before leaving the house. Send flirty texts during the day. Touch her more, at times when nothing is going to happen, sensual touches. Warm up her engine, lol.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

All Mumbo jumbo.

my 48 years of experience and observation:
Every single woman I’ve been with wanted sex regularly. As much as I wanted. Maybe I’d get turned down a time or two a month in my youth when I wanted it twice a day.....

I think I some women like and want sex, some dont. I’ve also figured out that just because YOU live someone, doesn’t mean they live you in return. Just because you might live someone forever, theirs may have a shelf life.

Gotta be willing to dump and move on in spite of the pain.
OP, if you’re not happy with the sex and intimacy it provides, get the hell out. Do you need a roommate or friend, or do you want a friend who is your lover?

it’s your choice. But the choice is pretty clear.

she should offer an open marriage if twice a month is all she wants. But someone wise mentioned you said you were 50 and didn’t want sex all that much anymore? Which is it?


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