# New Member



## DestroyedUnsure

Hello, I have been married for 21 years and about 4 years ago I learned of an emotional affair that my wife had a very long time ago. It ended with a kiss and I have verified that, ( don’t want to bore everyone with details). While she was being honest the night of the conversation which lasted till about 4 AM she co fessed to other things like messaging with a coworker that about where they had sex with their spouses. She also brought up that she was sexually molested 3 times when she was 8 by her cousin who was 16-17. I think she said this to shield herself but I can’t hold anything against her for that. I do believe that there was something else. I would have bet my life on her on not being unfaithful and it was the worst news I could hear. I think that I might be able to forgive her if she comes clean, I believe in God and I can’t imagine what it must have been like for her to molested, I have read about how that effects people during their lives. Can anyone help me find a hacker so I can confront her with the truth and try out counseling and si if I could forgive her? We have 3 beautiful daughters and I don’t want to mess up their lives with a divorce but I can continue like this. Any help will be much appreciated. Thank you for reading and specially your time.


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## jlg07

First, VERY sorry you are here. Post the details -- it will help folks here tailor the advice.

Do you think she is still cheating? If you can get a hold of her phone, you can use fonedoctor software to get anything deleted, etc..
You can use VAR's (voice activated recorders) in places you think she may have phone conversations where you can't hear her (car, kitchen, etc.).
You can put keyloggers on her PC to capture emails/websites if she uses that.....

Generally, a lot of folks here say that EA + proximity = Physical affair. You said they kissed -- were they coworkers? They are obviously around the same area, so don't rule out that they DID have a PA -- cheaters lie and only tell you what they think you know.

Not sure what you mean about this " I do believe that there was something else"??? What else? Something that happened when she was young? Another affair? That you think it went beyond an EA?

So NOTHING has been done about this for the last 4 years? Molestation does not give her any "free pass". What is does, now that she admitted it to you, is that YOU tell her she needs to get to counseling to find out how she could so easily betray you and your marriage (that IS what she did). Tell her you don't trust her anymore. If you need to (but YOU have to mean it), tell her that if she doesn't start working on the WHY she did it so that it won't happen again, you will divorce her (get with some lawyers to find out the financial/custody/child support/etc. FIRST -- this will give you a game plan, and will also show her you are serious about it -- you have to be).


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## Tilted 1

Exactly this^^


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## Tilted 1

She will lie as jig's said only to disclose a minimum. But a kiss generally means sex. Sorry, but if she also said only once means more than that. She's following the cheaters handbook, of minimization and self preseravation, the cheater male or female mostly Compartmentalize and justify, that they have it so bad and deserve love, 

They will search it out and texting another co-worker was it? She is showing a pattern of deception and you gut caught this and if you think more you will see more things of red flags that you have tried to discount. Don't don't get over emotional and do your homework. Don't let on your doing this. Just get to the bottom of this.

Your smart cool attitude will keep you in check and if you come across more things don't confront with each issues because it will go underground, and remain hidden from you.


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## Marduk

So sorry man.

But I highly doubt this was just an EA, and I highly doubt that there hasn’t been some kind of cycle in progress here. The childhood SA may be a key component - unfortunately this means that inappropriate relationships and poor boundaries can sometimes become a systemic problem.

Highly recommend both individual and marriage counselling here instead of hacking.


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## sokillme

Don't let this go, if you want a chance you need to have the truth. Explain to your wife that with holding the truth from you is very much removing the agency in your life. In the context of her history and how her agency was removed from her ask her to put herself aside and tell you the truth so you can make an informed decision about your life moving forward. 

Then do what you can to verify her story.


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## DestroyedUnsure

Ok I will provide all of the details:
I moved to Argentina when I was young. We met during high school days. She worked at a company for about 4years from age 20-24. Using my wife’s Facebook messenger I contacted the other one and made it look like me. He thought it was my wife and said only a kiss but it was the best ever.
The sexting at the office was with a guy I know and he admitted it. This happened about 7 years ago. 
The main thing that bothers me is this.
When my oldest daughter now 16 was 2 at the time she made 3 trips back home every year. 2 of those trips was alone. On the third trip this old friend of hers who was the son of her parents friends. You could say friend of the family. Stopped by. He is the marketing manager for a lingerie company. I was walking in when my wife’s mother told the friend give the gift to my wife. It was black lingerie. At that moment my gut instantly told me she f’d around. The only thing I could say (because there were about 5 of my wife’s at the table ) Wow, a guy giving a married woman lingerie, how nice. I served my country in very hostile situations to the point that once all I did was pray to God asking for him to punish me for my sins so I can take up a good spot in heaven. I’m saying this because I am always trying to keep myself in check I know what I’m capable of. That day I didn’t want to start anything because I knew that I would lose it and beat the living daylights out of the guy. The crazy thing is that ( remember that this was before the conversation that we had and her fessing up to things.) I didn’t take it further, don’t ask me why. I had self esteem issues and some PTSD. I thought that it would be impossible to that she would cheat. During that trip we celebrated my daughters birthday and we rented a place and the number of guests was limited and this guy HAD to come and he did. Nothing noticeable happened there. 
Going back to D day I asked for all of her social media account which weren’t much. Facebook hotmail messenger and email. She gave me the passwords and I changed them and looked around for 2 days. She didn’t hold back at all. What I did notice was that the guy who gave her the lingerie wasn’t a friend on Fbook. I asked why isn’t he? He had to be at the birthday but not a Fbook friend? 
She gaslighted me, told me I was crazy etc. we never able to get to the bottom. We went to a Christian marriage counselor at our church and I was pissed during the sessions and hearing “you have to forgive and forget” and I would say how without the 100%? Anyways long story short I got kicked out of the counseling. She never again accepted to go to counseling again. 
My dilemma is this. She is very good at technology and due to her wanting to out this under the rug my only option is to hack her phone and make a fake Instagram or Facebook account and spark something that will generate a communication between them and wait and see what happens. I am sure 98% that something happened but I find it selfish on my behalf to divorce without that remaining 2%. My mom died from cancer when I was 16 and my father a abandoned my sisters and I a month later. I have 3 daughters and I want them to live in a normal household and not ruin that over that F’ing remaining 2% of doubt. 
The D day occurred 4 years ago. I forgot to mention that 2 weeks after the Dday my wife was shopping with the girls and I was cooking and watching TV. A part of the show Sons of Anarchy was about a lady who was raped. I couldn’t help it but tears wouldn’t stop coming down thinking about what my wife went through. When they got back I sent my girls outside and told my wife. She held a pause and she starts to explain about a movie with a woman who went on vacation and had an affair. She said that all of the men in the living room watching had a look of anger and that the women had a look like please could it happen to me. She goes on to say “well I...... and looked up at the ceiling. At that moment my oldest daughter walks in who was 12 at the time and I didn’t want my daughter to hear this so I stopped her. When my daughter left I asked her to continue and she wouldn’t. She never ever wanted to go back to that again. I will need proof of something so I can leave with my head up high and know that my daughters won’t suffer because of my selfishness or mistake or try therapy and see if I can forgive. She started going to church right after this and is a totally changed person but the past is killing me.


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## DestroyedUnsure

Sorry. Thank you all for your words and your time.


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## DestroyedUnsure

Clarification. As you can see i don’t proofread. The EA was in Argentina about 20 years ago. The sexting was here in California about 14-15 years ago.


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## Tilted 1

No it's new to you and right now! Get Fonlab and get all delete text and is there any Myspace or Snapchat or Instagram it may be hidden under an alias icon. Get KEYLOGGER for the home computer. And sounds like a take it to the grave issue. Cheating and lying has no date code. You just put it off to long.


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## Marduk

You already know all you need to know to act.

That 2% isn’t going to buy you anything.


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## DestroyedUnsure

Tilted 1 said:


> No it's new to you and right now! Get Fonlab and get all delete text and is there any Myspace or Snapchat or Instagram it may be hidden under an alias icon. Get KEYLOGGER for the home computer. And sounds like a take it to the grave issue. Cheating and lying has no date code. You just put it off to long.


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## DestroyedUnsure

Thank you Tilted. I don’t know how to use this forum messaging yet. She uses her cell phone mostly so keylogger won’t be n option. I’ve seen many software apps for cel phones but they all have major pro’s and cons. I think a hacker will be best.


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## DestroyedUnsure

Mardok, thank you but the 2% is for my daughters not me. I wouldn’t be able to look at myself on the mirror later on. I am totally selfless person. Not sure if it’s good or bad. We would bust major cocaine labs in South America and nobody on the team would pocket a thing when could always. My life has been based on serving with integrity and strength and eating the bullet for others. It’s my essence I can’t escape from who I am.


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## jlg07

I hope at the very least you burned that lingerie in front of your wife and told her "if you EVER accept something like that again from ANY man, we are done".

Can you get her to do a polygraph? These are a while ago and I'm not sure you will find anything on her phone (unless she is actively still cheating, in which case, get a P.I. on her)


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## arbitrator

*Certain private investigators might advocate "hacking," but the thing is that certain parameters of it are usually violative of Federal wiretaps laws and the fruits of such an activity can usually not be admitted into evidence, say in a trial situation! 

Talk to an attorney about this!*


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## She'sStillGotIt

Not fer nuthin', but I can't help but notice a real *pattern* with cheaters. 

When being called out on the carpet for their crappy behavior, it's seems it's ALWAYS at this exact time that they suddenly decide to enlighten you with some kind of molestation or abuse story from back in their childhood. 

Just sayin'.


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## Marduk

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Not fer nuthin', but I can't help but notice a real *pattern* with cheaters.
> 
> When being called out on the carpet for their crappy behavior, it's seems it's ALWAYS at this exact time that they suddenly decide to enlighten you with some kind of molestation or abuse story from back in their childhood.
> 
> Just sayin'.


Unfortunately from what I understand this is very common. Sexual trauma - particularly childhood sexual trauma can cause boundary issues, promiscuity, all kinds of things. PTSD makes it worse.

It is often only uncovered when they get caught cheating. There’s a lot of stigma to these problems, and they can often be systemic - meaning they’ve cheated multiple times in multiple relationships, know it’s a problem, but don’t know how to break out of it. Or they think (because of the childhood trauma) that this is really how everybody just behaves - that the social norms we take for granted are just an illusion because it was shattered as a child.

The reverse is also true - rationalizations after the cheating as to ‘why.’ They themselves might be confused and seeking any kind of reason that isn’t just “I’m a bad person.”

It’s pretty much why I think it’s pointless to ask a cheater why they did it. They themselves don’t often know, or have lied to themselves so many times that they believe their lies, or they do know and are just lying because they don’t like the real answer.

At any rate, nothing you do as an adult is excusable because of what happened as a child. Even horrible things - which we should empathize with - but not tolerate. In fact, tolerating reinforces the behaviour. 

“I hate you, don’t leave me” is an invaluable resource here.


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## Marduk

DestroyedUnsure said:


> Mardok, thank you but the 2% is for my daughters not me. I wouldn’t be able to look at myself on the mirror later on. I am totally selfless person. Not sure if it’s good or bad. We would bust major cocaine labs in South America and nobody on the team would pocket a thing when could always. My life has been based on serving with integrity and strength and eating the bullet for others. It’s my essence I can’t escape from who I am.


I hear you.

Then use that integrity. Do you know deep down in your gut, or do you suspect?

If it’s the former, then you’re just delaying and fixating on finding more evidence. It’s common and just makes things harder.

If it’s the latter, then what would be convincing for you?


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## DestroyedUnsure

I need proof. Almost everyone here has some type of proof. I can’t gamble while my kids are in the middle. I just started looking at hacker sites (if anyone knows of a good one) to hire a hacker. I want to set up a fake Instagram page of my wife and contact the guy who gave her the lingerie. If he swallows the hook and gives something away great, it ends there. If he smells something fishy he will contact her brother maybe and the brother will contact my wife. If I can observe what happens it might help.


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## jlg07

Just hire a P.I. to do the work for you.


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## jlg07

@DestroyedUnsure, any Updates? I hope you are ok. (at least, as OK as you can be while going through this...)


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## Tilted 1

DestroyedUnsure said:


> I need proof. Almost everyone here has some type of proof. I can’t gamble while my kids are in the middle. I just started looking at hacker sites (if anyone knows of a good one) to hire a hacker. I want to set up a fake Instagram page of my wife and contact the guy who gave her the lingerie. If he swallows the hook and gives something away great, it ends there. If he smells something fishy he will contact her brother maybe and the brother will contact my wife. If I can observe what happens it might help.


It's been said " he who has the least to lose has All the power" . Which do you want to be?

Your proof is in your Heart.


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## ladybird

DestroyedUnsure said:


> Thank you Tilted. I don’t know how to use this forum messaging yet. She uses her cell phone mostly so keylogger won’t be n option. I’ve seen many software apps for cel phones but they all have major pro’s and cons. I think a hacker will be best.





They make key loggers for phones. They are completely hidden


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## ladybird

DestroyedUnsure said:


> I need proof. Almost everyone here has some type of proof. I can’t gamble while my kids are in the middle. I just started looking at hacker sites (if anyone knows of a good one) to hire a hacker. I want to set up a fake Instagram page of my wife and contact the guy who gave her the lingerie. If he swallows the hook and gives something away great, it ends there. If he smells something fishy he will contact her brother maybe and the brother will contact my wife. If I can observe what happens it might help.




Become the P.I yourself - 

Buy an voice activated recorder and put it under the driver's seat in her car. Most people feel safe in their cars - 

Audio recorders in your house while you're gone -


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