# She hates my sister



## scalpel (Mar 21, 2010)

Back on the boards after a long absence, though I was checking in weekly. I am in a rocky relationship with my wife right now. Married 13 yrs tomorrow, 4 children. The serious problems with us began or intensified with my catching her on an ****** ******* date March 2010. This is from my perspective. She states she has been dissatisfied with our relationship for most of our marriage. For further information about this see my other posts.

I began individual counseling (which may be helping somewhat). My wife and I have gone to 2 MC's since March 2010. I don't believe they have helped much. I have tried in my way to change, but I still feel resentment that she cheated. There was a texting EA sometime after that as well. She has accused me of cheating with someone from work, but I haven't. For what it matters I don't think she is cheating now. There is very little love or affection between us. Far from rebuilding our marriage, we are watching it crumble day by day. Talking about medium range plans (like what to do Spring Break 2012) feels foolish, and discussing how we might feel when our youngest goes to college (14 years) is downright laughable. Sex is bad despite trying to spice it up.

I'm not giving any commenters much to go on, I know. The reason I am posting today is from something she said last night. We went out to a new restaurant last night. She was drinking, and when she drinks (which is now every day in the afternoon) there is a little switch that goes off maybe around the third or fourth glass of wine. She becomes emotionally labile and tends to lash out. It doesn't happen every night, but maybe once a week or once every ten days. We were discussing our son's acceptance into a good private school and we were excited about his future. Then she states *"I hope your sister doesn't think her daughter is getting in. She won't be accepted. I made sure of that. Revenge."* It was frankly bizarre as well as being very disturbing. She has had problems with my sister for many years. I can't explain it, but she believes my sister snubs her socially - though it is more my sister's social ackwardness that she is misinterpreting I think. I have listened and commiserated with her for years about problems with my sister. They avoid each other, though I love her and her family very much and miss them when we don't invite them to gatherings.

Last night I didn't react much because I could tell she was trying to get a rise out of me. When I went to bed and again today at work I am furious. Not only am I in a marriage with someone who doesn't love or respect me, but she is also trying to harm the prospects of my niece (who is all of 10 years old). I wonder where it stops.

Is this more of a vent or a question? This marriage doesn't seem like it can be saved - I feel like I am just killing time. Thanks for reading.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

scalpel said:


> Not only am I in a marriage with someone who doesn't love or respect me, but she is also trying to harm the prospects of my niece (who is all of 10 years old). I wonder where it stops.


It stops when you decide it stops.

Also, isolating you from family - in this case your sister and now your niece - is a classic sign of an abuser. Your wife is supposed to be on your team!


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## scalpel (Mar 21, 2010)

Not only are we not on the same team, but we are on opposing sides! 

Yesterday I calmly discussed what she said and that it was unacceptable. After half a day of the silent treatment she came back and said she would not block my niece if she were to apply to the school because she "didn't want to be the bad guy." All the while I'm thinking she should not harm my niece because it is wrong, immoral and a generally slimey thing to do to someone behind their back. I am having a hard time seeing her positive attributes right now.

She has progressed to actually harming me and my extended family.

I think separation is inevitable. After our talk I went out to the backyard and watched our children play in the pool. By this time next year the pool will be gone, the house sold and they will be splitting time with their parents. Nothing that I want. People talk about working on their marriages and not giving up, but something has changed in both of us. She is not attracted to me and I am well on my way to being repulsed by her. Not by her physical body, but her mind and actions. I am worn out.

Where do I go from here? Our MC suggested a "therapeutic separation" and we discussed getting a shared apartment and keeping the kids in the house full time. I backed out of that because I felt that I was being banished to exile when I hadn't done the cheating. Of course people would and I suppose will think that because that's how people see separation and divorce. He got caught cheating and she kicked him out. Right now it seems like I am going to end up with a separation anyway. Any thoughts?
Thanks


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Everyone can give advice but ultimately it's up to you.

I would say forget about what she thinks, and forget about what "other people" will think, and maybe even give yourself permission to say, "I will do my best for my kids no matter what the outcome." and forget about their thoughts for just a moment.

Whatever is left is what you think. You have a wife who has had affairs, is non-affectionate, verbally abusive, is actively trying to harm the family, is non-sexual, and someone who you can't find any positive attributes in. You feel separation is inevitable. This is what you've mentioned in your posts.

The better question is - what's keeping you there? If you can identify those reasons, you might have a better idea of what the internal conflict is between staying/going. If she is not actively trying to improve things, they aren't likely to get better.


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## scalpel (Mar 21, 2010)

Thank you for taking the time to respond, Acorn. 

To answer your question, the kids are keeping me there. I've always wanted the stable family life that I was raised with. I am not impulsive, and major decisions like this take me a long time. The abuse has been there for the last few years, but somehow my eyes were opened this weekend. I need to get away. I can't spend my remaining time here on earth avoiding my family, and dealing with her insecurities. Her parents can hardly stand each other, but they have remained married to this day. Maybe that is her model of marriage, but I don't intend to live that way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

scalpel said:


> Thank you for taking the time to respond, Acorn.
> 
> To answer your question, the kids are keeping me there. I've always wanted the stable family life that I was raised with. I am not impulsive, and major decisions like this take me a long time. The abuse has been there for the last few years, but somehow my eyes were opened this weekend. I need to get away. I can't spend my remaining time here on earth avoiding my family, and dealing with her insecurities. Her parents can hardly stand each other, but they have remained married to this day. Maybe that is her model of marriage, but I don't intend to live that way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Interesting comment. Do you think she treats you like her mom treated her dad? This could be how she was brought up to view marriage, and is mimicking her mom.

So, if this is the case, you have three options.

One. Fix your marriage with this new knowledge.

Two. Stay in your marriage for the sake of your kids. But, then expect them to behave in the exact same fashion in thier futures. 

Three. Get out. Find a true loving relationship. Show your kids just what real love and support from a functional family unit is supposed to truly be like.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## scalpel (Mar 21, 2010)

No. Actually I think her father treats her mother poorly. She does not stand up for herself. Over the years he treated my wife and her sister very poorly as well (no physical abuse as far as I know). Neither one of them has any contact with him now.

I would like to "fix" this marriage, but our ideas are so different as to what needs to change, that we talk right past each other. She resents me for being myself, and unfortunately maybe I resent her for being herself. It wasn't always like this, but maybe it wasn't ever that great.

She and I dropped two of our children off at school for the first day of class. It made me so melancholy that this may be the last time we do this as an intact family. I hugged my little 4 year old girl this morning and I thought "she has no idea of the earthquake coming". I wish I could protect her from it - maybe that's what my stalling is about.


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