# Confused



## Stevebg (Aug 4, 2011)

There is not enough on here, it would be a book to say the least.I'll try and narrow down things the best I can. My wife left me last summer for about 4-5 months, during the time she had an affair, well she moved in w/the guy but the relationship was about 3 months. Now, she is bipolar and has had past drug problems, but she was way out there.. bad.The guy is a addict himself. They got into it, she called me and I came.We have been back together since but things have not been the same.I have read e-mails she sent to(so called)friends that was very hurtful to me(i'm sure you can read between the lines). I feel like i'm being used.She will tell me she loves me and turn around and say the other behind my back(via facebook).The thing is that I am the only one that's been there for her and really cared but it seems like she's just looking for someone else, I blame some on the problems she has and the fact she seems to want to be young forever. I am 42,she is 39.The males she talks to are 25-34. I know this is'nt much info in the big pic but I am really confused..... please help


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Your wife has a drug issue...that's confusing enough. Addicts are in their own tailspin.


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## Stevebg (Aug 4, 2011)

But the drug problem is'nt really there now.I don't do them or allow anyone around who does... so now It is just more confusing. If there is anything you need to know to help me figure this all out I am more than willing to lay it out.


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## Stevebg (Aug 4, 2011)

The only thing I really was trying to figure out was if the woman loved me or not, I was just hoping to get some insight before I say to hell with 20+ yrs


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You feel used because you are being used. SHe says one thing to your face and does another behind your back.
If she wanted to be with you, she would be. She would not be chasing after drug addicted men, going as far as to move in with them, and leaving you high and dry. You are her "safe bet." Stop being her "safe bet." Tell her you are done. Respect yourself.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Sounds like she wants you...for the stability and home life.

She wants the young stud muffins for, well, you know...


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You know the right thing to do is divorce her. She made it clear what you mean to her when she left to live with the OM. She continues to make it clear the way she talks about you to others. She's also out fishing for new men. She clearly has no respect for you - none.

She isn't in this marriage at all. She's having a guy who pays her bills and gives a roof over her head. 

You are still young enough to find a woman in your life who will love you and who will make you a priority and who will respect you.

Being married to this woman is standing in the way of you moving on and finding that good woman who is out there. The sooner you reattach your manhood, throw her out, and divorce her, the sooner you will be meeting that good woman.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

How can she value you as a man when you don't value yourself as one? Your doormat behavior tells her that you are willing to be her second option and take her back anytime she chooses to leave your for another man. If she was truly remorseful for betraying you, the last thing she would be doing is badmouthing behind your back.

For all you know, this affair may not be the only one she's had during your 20+ marriage but it may be the first one that you know of.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Stevebg said:


> I feel like i'm being used.


Thats because you are being used.



Stevebg said:


> She will tell me she loves me and turn around and say the other behind my back(via facebook).


And this is after you took her back and even rescued her from this scumbag OM.

Everyone here is correct. She has no respect for you and doesn't value you as anything more than financial support. Your WW is a cougar on the prowl. Like many betrayed husbands on this site, you need to realize that you are the back up, the bench warmer, the second choice. She is a cake eater and wants the security of marriage while she plays around with other men. This has most likely been going on for some time and may only be the latest in a long string of affairs.

The question is how long are you going to put up with this? How long are you going to continue to finance her affairs? It seems like you already know what you should do, but are waiting for people to tell you what you already know. *Are you going to wait until you get an incurable STD like AIDS?* That's a very real possibility in your situation since she can bang scumbags who are drug addicts. Your life is at stake here now. Get yourself tested for STDs now! Also an AIDS screening as well.

Kick her out right now. She is going to have to fix herself before you even entertain any idea of reconciliation. You took her back too quickly last year before she showed any type of remorse, and no, just simply crying and saying she's sorry isn't true remorse. That's evidenced by the way she's badmouthing you to the world. Those were simply crocodile tears. 

This stops when YOU say it does. Until then, you will continue to be her second choice, her doormat. Kick her ass to the curb now.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

If you don't have kids, then I think the decision is a no-brainer to divorce her.

Even if you are the most ardent, traditional, Catholic, pro-marriage advocate, adultery completely changes the equation. You can divorce with no moral guilt. If you're not, well then it's even easier.

Worrying about the last 20 years is understandable, but it's a fallacy. In economics, it's called a sunk cost. Basically, you can't worry about the past. It's gone. Whether it was good or bad is irrelevant. The only thing to consider here is the future. Is the future with her going to be good or bad? It seems pretty clear that it will be bad.

Sorry that you're going through this, but you have to kick her to the curb.

Good luck.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Your story is very nearly identical to a story I read on SI, where the WW went to live with her OM who was also a drug addict. The WW called her BH for help after the OM beat her up, and then he took his WW back.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

A 20 year investment sucks to give away,but if your chick isn't on the same page, then whats the point?

I mean I can see if she also wanted the change and you both aggreed to a healthier life style. Then yes I can say she loves you and is willing to do the heavy lifting b/c you have given her a second chance at life and you diserve her efforts.

But she has not made the effort, acknowledgement, and appreciation for *your* efforts. Get it? She doesn't respect the fact that you gave her a 2nd chance. Nor will she for the 3rd, 4th, or 5th chance.

So may question to you is how many chances does she get to prove her love for you by showing the changes that she need to make to stay married to you?

I mean COME ON I would think after hitting rock bottom, and crawling back to a man she left, a person might say to them selve " hey somethings wrong with me- I need to work on my self and appreciate the person that loves me"

NOooooo .....she keeps on doing what shes doing b/c you tolorate it.

Do her a favor if you love her and move on with out her, so she can feel a real consequences so that just might turn her life around.


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## Stevebg (Aug 4, 2011)

I thank you all for you're replies, I know. I guess im just afraid of starting over, just dont know where to began really..Im a very settled guy


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

> You feel used because you are being used.


Totally agree. You're letting yourself be used... I don't know if its a self-confidence issue, or what, but you need to MAN-UP! :scratchhead:


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It sound like your settling, Ya it easy that way. Make no mistake the other path is hard as hell, but the reward....think about the rewards that you will get by making a change.


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## Stevebg (Aug 4, 2011)

the guy said:


> A 20 year investment sucks to give away,but if your chick isn't on the same page, then whats the point?
> 
> I mean I can see if she also wanted the change and you both aggreed to a healthier life style. Then yes I can say she loves you and is willing to do the heavy lifting b/c you have given her a second chance at life and you diserve her efforts.
> 
> ...


well we did get into it, i told her i'd even help pack cause i'm not living this way.So she breaks all down and says she does love and she's sorry,even went check herself in a place.... but I did mean what I said and am wondering......is this some sort of game, because I dont want to play anymore


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

*No deal.*

Without getting nasty simply convey to her *calmly, quietly and respectfully* that you have been very hurt by her affair and that without true remorse from her part for her actions, you simply can't conceive of any possibility of marital reconciliation.

You may want to print Lordmayhem's chart below and the difference between remorse and guilt so that she can see what is needed for you to even contemplate marital reconciliation












> *Remorse vs Guilt*
> 
> 
> Real remorse means seeing the pain you caused someone, and reaching out to make it better. Feeling bad for the person in pain.
> ...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Print out what m- posted, it will give you some great guild lines.
With this information its no longer her game, now its your game and here are the rules!!!!!

Its not about her anymore, its about you and what she needs to do for you. Its all writen out for her.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Sounds like you are her safe port in a storm, and she's just telling you what you want to hear. Then, when the storm passes and the seas calm down, she'll be unfurling her sails again.


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