# I need a female perspective.



## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

I work in a highly competitive field in finance called algorithmic trading so work long hours and my wife gets lonely at home she has a undergraduate degree in mathematics. She has the knowledge of a masters in mathematics so I was thinking of having her help me with creating some black box models so she can be with me more. So my question is if you had training in the same field as your husband and helping him would give you more time to spend together would you?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Hmmm....no, not necessarily. But maybe if HE was trained in MY field, I might let HIM help ME at MY job. 

But what I would much rather do is both of us quit our jobs and open a business together.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

That wouldn't really work for me, unless I was thoroughly passionate about it myself. Helping my husband with work would feel like...._work_. I don't need another job.

I assume what your wife wants is to share relaxed, free time and fun with you. And when you work long hours, the only way to have relaxed, free time together is to plan it and put it on the calendar so that you make time for it. 

Make time for your wife and you to connect with each other. That's just as important as work, if not more so. Every night, you two should have some time that is just YOUR time together, no work.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Depends. Is the project something she would be interested in taking on? Would it advance her career goals? Would you pay her fairly for it?

I'm with Faithful Wife, though, I think I'd be much more interested in opening up a business together than just doing piecework for the privilege of hanging out at my H's office.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Hmmm....no, not necessarily. But maybe if HE was trained in MY field, I might let HIM help ME at MY job.
> 
> But what I would much rather do is both of us quit our jobs and open a business together.


I already have my own business, I guess I could hire her but she really isn't qualified yet she needs at least a masters in mathematics or computer science at a top 50 university to be hired at my firm.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Not real good at reading between the lines, eh?

My point was that your wife isn't very likely to want to do some boring math work as a way to spend quality time with you, and that you are being a bit full of yourself to think that she should or would.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Quant said:


> I already have my own business, I guess I could hire her but she really isn't qualified yet she needs at least a masters in mathematics or computer science at a top 50 university to be hired at my firm.


Ah. Well, I definitely wouldn't get involved if he didn't respect my abilities and was merely patronizing me.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

norajane said:


> That wouldn't really work for me, unless I was thoroughly passionate about it myself. Helping my husband with work would feel like...._work_. I don't need another job.
> 
> I assume what your wife wants is to share relaxed, free time and fun with you. And when you work long hours, the only way to have relaxed, free time together is to plan it and put it on the calendar so that you make time for it.
> 
> Make time for your wife and you to connect with each other. That's just as important as work, if not more so. Every night, you two should have some time that is just YOUR time together, no work.


All of my possible free time is with her she is from the Ukraine and understands that men need to work. She does not have a job she is SAHW, she is only 23 so we don't have children yet.She has said to me she gets bored and would like to feel useful and I thought since she has some skill related to my field she could feel useful and we could spend time together.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

How did you meet?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Quant said:


> All of my possible free time is with her she is from the Ukraine and understands that men need to work. She does not have a job she is SAHW, she is only 23 so we don't have children yet.She has said to me she gets bored and would like to feel useful and I thought since she has some skill related to my field she could feel useful and we could spend time together.


Then maybe she should get a job to keep her from being bored. I can see how staying home all day for no reason could become boring. A job would help her feel more useful as well.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

always_alone said:


> Ah. Well, I definitely wouldn't get involved if he didn't respect my abilities and was merely patronizing me.


I am not being patronizing it would be unethical to hire her with a salary when my other colleagues have at least those qualifications.It would also hurt the reputation of my firm to just hire my spouse with out the requisite qualifications but her just hanging out in my office helping me would be fine.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Not real good at reading between the lines, eh?
> 
> My point was that your wife isn't very likely to want to do some boring math work as a way to spend quality time with you, and that you are being a bit full of yourself to think that she should or would.


I am sorry I have Aspergers so I am not very good at social cues.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

How did you meet your wife?


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> boring math work


Hey now, some of us think applied mathematics is fun and fascinating.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> How did you meet?


Russian online dating site, we have been married for about a year I was 28 and a virgin with Aspbergers when we got married. She loves me and is kind of protective of me because of my Aspbergers.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Red Sonya - I'm an accountant. I love it! I was just guessing that this man's wife might not be as enthusiastic.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Red Sonya - I'm an accountant. I love it! I was just guessing that this man's wife might not be as enthusiastic.


Why would she not be, she has a degree in mathematics and likes talking about my work. One of the main reasons I married her was because we had similar interests,oh and she is really hot.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Do you know what the main reason she married you was?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Quant said:


> So my question is if you had training in the same field as your husband and helping him would give you more time to spend together would you?


No, I wouldn't. That would be FOR ME too much togetherness. I don't want to work with him and come home to be with him. Maybe I'm strange that way, but I like having my own time during the day to work on my own career which is not connected in any way to my husband's. I like having a separate identity from him. I certainly don't want to be employed by him! That would change the relationship from one of equals to something where he's my employer as well as my husband. I wouldn't want to work for an a department at his employer. I think my current employer gives better perks. Also, if there are layoffs by the employer, we both could be out of a job at the same time. I don't think it's smart to put all your eggs in one basket. So for me, for a variety of reasons, the idea of working with my spouse is a no-go.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Do you know what the main reason she married you was?


She said because I am really smart and kind. When I asked her about it further later on she said she didn't love me our first 6 months of marriage but then fell in love with me because I am very loyal, honest and "a handsome boy". I am sure my wealth didn't hurt either but then again her looks didn't either so I am honest with myself. She also said in Ukraine there are too many drunks and wife beaters to find a good man and says she is grateful to have found a good man.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Quant...I hope you keep realistic expectations in your marriage.

I just went and read your other thread.

Good luck.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

Coffee Amore said:


> No, I wouldn't. That would be FOR ME too much togetherness. I don't want to work with him and come home to be with him. Maybe I'm strange that way, but I like having my own time during the day to work on my own career which is not connected in any way to my husband's. I like having a separate identity from him. I certainly don't want to be employed by him! That would change the relationship from one of equals to something where he's my employer as well as my husband. I wouldn't want to work for an a department at his employer. I think my current employer gives better perks. Also, if there are layoffs by the employer, we both could be out of a job at the same time. I don't think it's smart to put all your eggs in one basket. So for me, for a variety of reasons, the idea of working with my spouse is a no-go.


She constantly texts me at work so I think she would be comfortable working with me.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Quant said:


> I am not being patronizing it would be unethical to hire her with a salary when my other colleagues have at least those qualifications.It would also hurt the reputation of my firm to just hire my spouse with out the requisite qualifications but her just hanging out in my office helping me would be fine.


It would only be unethical or problematic for your firm if you hire her with the same title, authority, and salary as your more qualified colleagues. If your firm won't suffer by having her just "hang around", it won't suffer for having a legitimate assistant, associate or contract-based position. 

Of course, your colleagues might be unimpressed with the nepotistic hiring -- but I doubt they'd be any more impressed by her just hanging out. (Another reason I might decline to do so, if I were her, unless it was a bona fide position.)

And if you respect and trust her abilities, she'd be a viable candidate. You could even turn over the final say to someone else to protect yourself - and her - from charges of favoritism.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Quant...I hope you keep realistic expectations in your marriage.
> 
> I just went and read your other thread.
> 
> Good luck.


I got a prenup so I don't care if later on in the marriage she puts a dent in my net-worth.I love her and I think she loves me and that is all that matters.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

That's actually not all that matters when it (divorce) is actually happening to you....but I hope you'll never have to be there.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

always_alone said:


> It would only be unethical or problematic for your firm if you hire her with the same title, authority, and salary as your more qualified colleagues. If your firm won't suffer by having her just "hang around", it won't suffer for having a legitimate assistant, associate or contract-based position.
> 
> Of course, your colleagues might be unimpressed with the nepotistic hiring -- but I doubt they'd be any more impressed by her just hanging out. (Another reason I might decline to do so, if I were her, unless it was a bona fide position.)
> 
> And if you respect and trust her abilities, she'd be a viable candidate. You could even turn over the final say to someone else to protect yourself - and her - from charges of favoritism.


Thank you for these suggestions I am not very good at social engineering outcomes so using a neurotypicals social reasoning is highly useful.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> That's actually not all that matters when it (divorce) is actually happening to you....but I hope you'll never have to be there.


I understand that you are worried about me being taken advantage of but I have to live my life even if I am a little eccentric.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Of course, yes...and I do hope for the best for you...I'm just saying that no one going through a divorce would ever be like "oh well, I have a pre-nup that's all that matters".


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Of course, yes...and I do hope for the best for you...I'm just saying that no one going through a divorce would ever be like "oh well, I have a pre-nup that's all that matters".


I don't know, this is my first real relationship so I guess I am kind of naive sorry.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

You might want to do some reading about divorce statistics, how and why divorce occurs, how painful it is, and how to take steps to prevent it. This would be to educate yourself so that you really know the "cost" of a divorce, and also hopefully you might learn how to see some red flags.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> You might want to do some reading about divorce statistics, how and why divorce occurs, how painful it is, and how to take steps to prevent it. This would be to educate yourself so that you really know the "cost" of a divorce, and also hopefully you might learn how to see some red flags.


I have looked at the statistics and I inferred from looking at the data that a large age gap and attractiveness gap are major factors in divorce for a wife that comes from a foreign country. The reason I am on here is to get better at being a husband. She is more attractive than me but not to a ridiculous degree and we only have a 6 year age gap so I believe that improves our probabilities. I think talking to my therapist and using this forum has helped me understand what neurotypicals think in a relationship.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

If that is as far as you read about it, you need to read more.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> If that is as far as you read about it, you need to read more.


I am constantly reading about it, I feel like you are talking down to me because of my Aspergers and it kind of makes me angry.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I'm just suggesting that you get more information. I am not talking down to you, but I am a bit worried. However, please understand, I am worried about all young couples who don't do enough research about divorce. Your sitch has some red flags, mostly that you and your wife must have barely known each other when getting married. When divorce rates are so high, couples should do all they can to understand where THEY have a weakness.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> I'm just suggesting that you get more information. I am not talking down to you, but I am a bit worried. However, please understand, I am worried about all young couples who don't do enough research about divorce. Your sitch has some red flags, mostly that you and your wife must have barely known each other when getting married. When divorce rates are so high, couples should do all they can to understand where THEY have a weakness.


I know you mean well but you have to realize this was the best way for me to get a spouse, I am a social recluse with little social ability.I knew if I could get my wife in a relationship she would fall in love because I am good at all the things that make a good long term partner but terrible at the things that make you good at picking up women. Thank you for caring about me you are the only person outside of my wife who cares.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Oh my, I am sorry to hear you feel you have no one who cares. 

I am divorced so that is why I fear for people who might not have all the info they need about divorce and why it happens, etc. Divorce hurts so much worse than just in your bank account.

I do recommend that you read this book, it does have a lot of great info about how and why divorce occurs...you may not ever have the types of issues in the book but it is still a book that I believe all newlyweds should read.

Amazon.com: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert (9780609805794): John M. Gottman, Nan Silver: Books


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Oh my, I am sorry to hear you feel you have no one who cares.
> 
> I am divorced so that is why I fear for people who might not have all the info they need about divorce and why it happens, etc. Divorce hurts so much worse than just in your bank account.
> 
> ...


My wife cares, but my parents home-schooled me to be good at math and chess kind of like a experiment so they didn't really treat me like a human but a test subject to get optimal output from. I will check out the book thank you, also I read your sex blog and that thankfully is not a problem in our marriage.:smthumbup:


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Then you have a leg up on many other couples....good work and keep finding ways to make your marriage great.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Quant said:


> She said because I am really smart and kind. When I asked her about it further later on she said she didn't love me our first 6 months of marriage but then fell in love with me because I am very loyal, honest and "a handsome boy". I am sure my wealth didn't hurt either but then again her looks didn't either so I am honest with myself. She also said in Ukraine there are too many drunks and wife beaters to find a good man and says she is grateful to have found a good man.


 Goldmine for a cheating wife scenario. Missing husband, doesn't have to work, beautiful, bored, married (no offense) a beta male, to get into America...

You should encourage her to get a job - on her own. And you should learn the wonderful skill of DELEGATING so that you aren't working 80 hours a week.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Quant said:


> I am good at all the things that make a good long term partner


You have Aspberger's. You may KNOW what it takes to be a good partner, but don't kid yourself that you can pick up on the CUES of being a good partner.

I'm not trying to drag you down, just to help you affair proof or divorce proof your marriage. Also try reading His Needs Her Needs together after the Gottman book; that's a good start. It urges you both to fill out questionnaires so you can get exact answers to how to keep her happy and vice versa.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

turnera said:


> Goldmine for a cheating wife scenario. Missing husband, doesn't have to work, beautiful, bored, married (no offense) a beta male, to get into America...
> 
> You should encourage her to get a job - on her own. And you should learn the wonderful skill of DELEGATING so that you aren't working 80 hours a week.


My field is a Darwinian struggle so not working long hours is really not possible. My wife really is not interested in work unless it is around me or she is raising our future children. She seems more concerned with the possibility of me cheating and gets really jealous.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

turnera said:


> You have Aspberger's. You may KNOW what it takes to be a good partner, but don't kid yourself that you can pick up on the CUES of being a good partner.
> 
> I'm not trying to drag you down, just to help you affair proof or divorce proof your marriage. Also try reading His Needs Her Needs together after the Gottman book; that's a good start. It urges you both to fill out questionnaires so you can get exact answers to how to keep her happy and vice versa.


I know, that's why I'm working with a Asperger's specialist to get better at reading others. Thank you for the book recommendation I will read it.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I think it's great that you want her to work with you.Some husbands and wives make a powerful team in ALL aspects of their lives,not just at home.You could be one of the lucky ones who click in every way including professionally.
Start by setting a time line and making a solid plan.If she isn't enjoying it or if you aren't enjoying it after an agreed upon amount of time has passed,then she quits to pursue her own career goals or hobbies while you're working.
Keep the communication open and honest.If she's insecure you have to continue showing her she is loved and valued.

Don't do anything without a plan.Be organized and keep the emotions out of it.When you're at work,it's business not personal so anything that happens in the office stays in the office.Anything that happens at home stays at home.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There's a book especially for husbands with Asperger's. It was written by such a man, discussed on NPR. You may want to look into that, as well.
'Best Practices': Learning To Live With Asperger's : NPR


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Quant said:


> My field is a Darwinian struggle so not working long hours is really not possible.


So you say. What will you say when she gets bored and lonely and hits it up with the guy next door? Will you suddenly find the time to be home more?


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

turnera said:


> There's a book especially for husbands with Asperger's. It was written by such a man, discussed on NPR. You may want to look into that, as well.
> 'Best Practices': Learning To Live With Asperger's : NPR


That book looks like a goldmine of information.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

turnera said:


> So you say. What will you say when she gets bored and lonely and hits it up with the guy next door? Will you suddenly find the time to be home more?


I think I will try to integrate her more into my life you are right.


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