# Cant shake this feeling.



## amanda27 (Nov 8, 2015)

Im having a hard time moving past my husbands infidelity. I knew something was going on but I’ve always trusted him and believed him when he said nothing was going on. Eventually I couldn’t ignore my gut feeling and I went through his phone. This was in March. I found messages he sent to a coworker about making out, after digging a little more i also found photos of her and other messages that weren’t very easy to read. I confronted him about it and after a lot of denying he finally came clean to me. He admitted that back in December when we were fighting he had some fun with her online and said and did things he shouldn’t have done, and then in January they kissed at work once. I forgave him, we talked and decided to stay together working on things. They seemed to get better. A few months after finding out that, he admitted to me they had actually kissed more then once but that it was over about mid February. The relationship they had was more about talking and having fun and wasn’t really a physical thing. They exchanged a lot of ‘I love you’s’ and ‘you’re so amazing’. They had late night hidden phone calls and talked all day everyday till very late at night over text. We kind of talk things out. At some point he refused to talk anymore because he was annoyed at my questions. He couldnt answer most of them or just had really bad answers. But he made it very clear to me that he wanted to be with me and only me. I decided to stay and see how things went. The end on June I gave birth to our third son and things seemed somewhat perfect. We were closer then we’ve ever been. Even though the two of them stayed friends I felt like i could trust him again. We were having fun together and things seemed to be like they were before. 
About a month ago i found texts on his phone he sent her and it just makes me question everything. It has brought up all these feelings all over again. The text started with “You know that everytime i work with you i remember why I love you so much and you always remind me how amazing you are”, “Just seeing you, you’re amazing blue eyes and that smile totally melts me. the worst part tho is that i want you so bad, not sexually, just in general because i know how amazing you are, I know how lucky *her BF* is and he sometimes takes it for granted.” there was also stuff about how they are a lot closer now. I asked him about it and he didn’t really have much of a reason for saying it. He said he doesn’t know why he did it, he was stupid and wasn’t thinking. He went on to say that they never talk anymore at work and on the phone and that they never even see each other at work anymore. At this point I was dead set on leaving. How can they be closer if they never talk or see each other anymore? Things just didn’t seem to add up. But again after a lot of pleading from him i decided to stay. He has decided to back up his iPhone regularly so if i ever have any doubts i can read his messages. He’s doing whatever he can to help me trust him again. even though I am starting to trust him i can’t get all of this out of my head. I have this constant fear that he doesn’t actually want to be with me. Its not so much because of the things he has done but more because of the things he doesn’t say or do with me. I can’t remember the last time he told me I was beautiful, but he made sure to tell her at least once a week. I can’t remember the last time we actually had a real conversation about something positive but can talk to her for hours. Its like I’m always comparing how he was with her to how he is with me now. He still can't give me real answers to things that have happened, so I constantly have all this doubt and question everything.
We’ve been together for over 10 years. We’ve had our problems like all couples do but have always seemed to work through them and be stronger. But I can’t seem to shake this jealous feeling that I have, that Im not as good as she is and that deep down he really does want her but is afraid to admit it because he doesn’t want to look like the bad guy. I can’t shake this doubt that he’s still hiding things. 
I don’t want to give up on us. Ive told him that I’m going to keep trying until the new year but that he has to work on making things better. But I just don’t know if its even worth it. Any advice would help.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Ugh. Truly sorry you are here.

Most of the time admitting to kissing = sexual intercourse

Cheaters lie, hide and deceive. 

The gift of infidelity is that it keeps on giving.

The thing is this was all on him 100%. No matter what. He should be doing everything he can to help you through this. If he's truly sorry and has any remorse at all.

There are many good people here that will show up and help.

Good luck I hope you find the help you need.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

If Your marriage is ruined, it is all on him.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

How old are you and your husband? What are the ages of your children? Do you work?

Your husband is having an affair with the female co-worker. Do you know anyone who works with them? If you do, tell them what you suspected. Let them be your eyes and ears in the workplace.

You've rugsweept his transgressions. He will continue with his affairs. If you confront now, he will go underground with this recent affair. Compile your evidence. This is hard for you as you have three children. I'm sorry that you are here.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here. Congratulations on new baby.

Your husband said to you that he is annoyed because you keep asking him about this woman. Well this tells me that he got no clue what is he doing to you and your kids. Such a fool (sorry).

If you have any friends from his job ask them about Affair. Maybe they know what is happening.

Stop trusting him. He lied to you once when he said that is over and they only "kissed".

If you really want to work on this marriage first you need to find a truth. Second no more contact with this woman. Get him to see some therapist.

If he refuse to do this then you know where you stand.


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## amanda27 (Nov 8, 2015)

thank you for all your replies. Its so nice to see so many kind people here.
Im 27 and he is 31. Our boys are 8, 7, and 4 months. At the moment I stay home and take care of the kids and house. I do know some of the people he works with, but not to the point that I could talk to any of them about it. Its more of just being friendly when im at his work. 
But at the time all this was happening and for awhile after he said it was done some of them did talk to friends and eventually I heard it from family memebers and friends. It was things about how they were always together, holding hands, caught places alone and that they were sleeping together. He of course denies it all and says it is impossible for any of that to happen. that there isnt anywhere to go to be alone.

I guess to give a little more background, back in novemeber of last year is when i found out they were talking more then they should. I talked to him about it and shortly after he was then confused about our marriage. Things with us were alittle rocky for a couple of months but swore to me she was nothing but a friend and he would never do anything like that. he would make me feel absolutly horrible for even thinking it. The two of them have a big age gap between them and would ask me questions about what i thought about couples with large age gaps, he would talk about all the couples he knows that have large age gaps including her parents and pretty much try to come up with anything he could to make it sound okay. He would tell me how they couldnt even be friends and hang out because we live in a small town and people twist things around. There were a few times he told me she had said she didnt want to be friends anymore because she was afraid people would think she was a homewrecker and he would freak out on me like it was my fault people were talking. He would show me the conversations they had, told me personal things she had told him trying to reassure me nothing was happening. I would ask him about the things i heard and he would always go into great detail about how thats impossible and could never happen. The rumours stopped for awhile but just recently Ive started hearing more things. 
The I love you's have continued the whole time, hes always telling her how amazing she is or how amazing she looked at work and is always there for her when she has a problem. She sends him pictures of herself and he always makes comments about her shorts or boxers, how cute she looks and makes comments about her butt in her pants at work. But he says thats all just joking around and they are just really good friends.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

With "friends" like that, who needs enemies?
You know he's a cheater, and they lie. That's what they do.
I'm sorry to have to tell you that it's not going to get better as long as he has the attitude that he can do whatever he wants without any consequences.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Amanda27,

I am so sorry you are here. This is not over, he is taking you for a ride. You have to get your ducks in a row and go scorched earth on your WH and let him see what it will be like to lose his marriage and his family. You have not dealt with this decisively and have basically rug swept his A (he is definitely in an EA and possibly in a PA). A kiss (as a poster said earlier), then a few kisses etc this is all trickle truthing and likely they have slept together. You should be outraged at this point and he should be the one grappling to put things back together not 'sharing' information about her with you, you should tell him you never want to hear her name mentioned again, he is trying in a perverse way to get you to 'accept' his 'friendship' with the OW and you are by your actions!

I know you have young kids and this is not easy

1. Tell your family, friends, his family, friends what he has been doing, get a few of your family members (sister, friend) to be your support network, you will need it as you go scorched earth
2. Ask him for access to phone (he may have another phone) and computers, everything
3. Request that he sends her a written 'no contact' letter which you see. He must block her on FB and all other social networking sites, instagram, twitter, snapchat, whatever. He should also change jobs immediately.
4. Tell OW's boyfriend what you have found out - both of you communicate to stop this relationship 
5. You have just given birth, I worry about PN depression in the midst of all of this so you get some IC for yourself. Start taking care of you, get your hair done, mani/pedi, go to gym 9 (get a baby minder so you have time for yourself, tell your WH you need it and make him pay for it)
6. Do the 180 on your WH, you will find it on this site and others. Just start to emotionally detach, protect yourself because I believe that his shenanigans are not over
7. Go get a lawyer and discuss your options with the lawyer. Your WH needs to see that you mean business and his activity is totally unacceptable. You do not want a life of misery being married to a cheater and he is starting down that path.
8. See what his reaction is to all of this, if he is grappling and bending over backwards to do all to make this better and there is REMORSE (at the moment there isn't any because you both have rug swept) then consider whether you want to save the marriage. Then he must go for IC and MC immediately

Remember you may feel trapped now but what you do now will determine how you will be living 10 years from now. Your WH needs to feel 'the pain' now. If his response is one of indifference and he pursues his OW then you know it is time to cut your losses and go.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

So he is still telling her he loves her and she looks amazing? That means hes actively still cheating. (look up EAs or read Dr. Glass' "Not Just Friends.") 

You need to demand respect; he should be afraid you will leave. Have you read about the 180? I think it would be hugely helpful here.

I'm so sorry you're in this position.


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## amanda27 (Nov 8, 2015)

I have completly changed my mind set about this relationship. I have walls up now. I know something WILL eventually happen again and im trying to protect myself from being hurt again. I have but more focus on myself and my kids. Spending time doing fun activites with them and also working out at home. 
Unfortunatly leaving his job isnt an option. With the pay he gets and benefits, he wouldnt get that anywhere else and the options here for work are very limited. She will be done high school soon and leaving for school. He is very open with his phone and backs it up to his computer very often so i can see all his messages. He says they dont talk like they used to and based off the back ups hes telling the truth, but there is always the possibility that he talks to her somehow else. When i first brought up backing up his phone so I could look through it he was completly agaisnt it. I needed to trust him and he needed his privacy, not me going though everything of his. 
He shows remorse every time he is caught. He even cries, and my husband is not the crying type. Things get a little better and the two of them stop talking. But after a week or so things start going back downhill. 
Ive told him that if things do not improve by the new year or anything else happens that I will leave. Ive made it very clear im not living my life this way and that i know i deserve better and if things continue this way he will lose his family. 
But the more i think about it i dont think its even worth it. He feels bad when hes caught and after everything is dealt with he feels no remorse. He just doesnt seem to understand what has happened and what hes done to me. In his mind everything is just goes back to how it was.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

She is in high school and is about 17 or 18 years of age. Your husband is 31. See her parents and tell them of your concerns. They will stop this nonsense. Yes, he is too old for her. 

You say that you live in a small town. Small towns have eyes and ears. They know what's going on. Go see the high school principal and tell him/her of your concerns about this young woman. Your husband is playing the game of seduction. This is simply horrible as your husband is married and have children to boot.

Tell your family, his family, and your friends. Your predicament is truly difficult and with young children.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

High school you say? Is she 18 yet? Or was she 18 a year ago when this started?

She sent pictures of herself to him in boxers? If they are the type of pictures I am thinking of, he could be charged with possession of child pornography. I believe she could also be charged with distribution of child pornography.

You must report this. She is a child.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Your husband is still having an affair. 

It doesn't sound like it ever stopped. Soon, this girl will be pregnant so I think you should have a financial agreement written into your marriage as it is an open marriage if you don't divorce. 

Get a lawyer ASAP to protect yourself financially.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Amanda, I'm going to level w/ you...

It's never "just a kiss".

NEVER.

He's been lying to you since day one, and he was having sex w/ her well before that.

And if he's not involved w/ her now, it's only because she's dumped him and gone on to someone else. After all, what 18-year-old girl wants some skeevy 30+ year-old guy w/ a wife and 3 young kids at home? Unless she literally lives in a dumpster, _not her_.

Privacy? Please. Privacy means that you're not hovering over him while he's on the toilet, and that's about it.

And besides, his actions simply don't warrant ANYTHING other than 100% complete and total transparency. He can't be TRUSTED w/ his "privacy"... or at least not his version of privacy, because let's be real... it's not privacy that he wants -- it's _secrecy_.

F*ck that noise.


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## amanda27 (Nov 8, 2015)

Ive always figured it was more then a kiss here and there, but never had proof. Its not something he would ever admit to either. 
She has a boyfriend, but still comes to my husband everytime they fight.

Should I just move on and stop wasting my time? even if they are still involved I would never know, hes gotten very good at hiding things.


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