# Cheating parents cheating kids?



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

This One Detail Makes You (or Her) TWICE as Likely to Cheat

Follow these two steps to safeguard your relationship

By Ali Eaves Tuesday, October 20, 2015, 1:42 pm 

Sleeping around runs in the family, according to a new study from Texas Tech University.

Researchers surveyed people about their parents’ and their own history of infidelity. Nearly half of the subjects who were raised by philandering parents admitted to having cheated on a partner—making them twice as likely to stray as those brought up in a faithful family. 

That puts your mom and dad’s union right up there with the top predictors of infidelity, like your own relationship satisfaction and your personality, says study author Dana Weiser, Ph.D.

The tendency to sleep around is partly genetic, Weiser says. Other scientists have found that you can inherit biological traits, like a certain kind of dopamine receptor, that make you crave multiple partners. 

But she also suspects that your parents shape your expectations for your own relationships. For example, if your father failed to be faithful, you may conclude that monogamy is unreasonable or impossible. And that belief could turn out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If your parents (or hers) didn’t forsake all others, don’t worry. You’re not doomed to repeat their mistakes, Weiser says. 

Just be aware of how they affected you. Consider this an opportunity to talk with your partner about your views and expectations surrounding monogamy, Weiser suggests.

And remember, there’s another huge predictor of cheating that you actually have control over: the strength of your relationship. Pouring your energy into communicating, having fun, and trying new things together is one of the best safeguards against infidelity, Weiser says.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Sooo, some people may be tempted to cheat because their biology causes them to crave other partners (otherwise known as being a human with a libido and a pulse) and if one or both of your parents cheated you might think fidelity is impossible and give in to that craving or you may not.

I'm underwhelmed. Tell us something we don't know.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> Sooo, some people may be tempted to cheat because their biology causes them to crave other partners (otherwise known as being a human with a libido and a pulse) and if one or both of your parents cheated you might think fidelity is impossible and give in to that craving or you may not.
> 
> I'm underwhelmed. Tell us something we don't know.


A lot of waywards don't even consider what their infidelity might do to their own kids relationships....I've actually seen this first hand and approximately half of the children of infidelity I know personally went on to cheat themselves...


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

In my opinion, cheating is a choice - whether it's conscious or unconscious. 

I believe my Dad cheated on my Mom, although they divorced and she is still bitter to this day (Dad died last year) and she never really knew whether there were EAs or PAs. Given my history, this article is saying I'm more likely to cheat? I think that's complete and utter BS. If anything, the way my parent's marriage ended has made me very much aware I DO NOT want to be like my Dad. I've been married 21 years, have never cheated, have never even had an opportunity to cheat because I don't want to go down the same road he did. My choice, and my choice is to not cheat. Period. End of story.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Truthseeker1 said:


> A lot of waywards don't even consider what their infidelity might do to their own kids relationships....I've actually seen this first hand and approximately half of the children of infidelity I know personally went on to cheat themselves...


Yes, and quite a lot ( estimating 30-40%) of the adult children of intact marriages without infidelity I know have either cheated, had open marriages, or were married short term many times and in quick succession.

I'm not saying parents behavior doesn't effect kids, I know it does. But parts of the article seem to suggest that there has been some breakthrough in this area or that there's some kind of cheater gene that's been identified when...well...there's nothing there that isn't common knowledge.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Lloyd Dobler said:


> In my opinion, cheating is a choice - whether it's conscious or unconscious.
> 
> I believe my Dad cheated on my Mom, although they divorced and she is still bitter to this day (Dad died last year) and she never really knew whether there were EAs or PAs. Given my history, this article is saying I'm more likely to cheat? I think that's complete and utter BS. If anything, the way my parent's marriage ended has made me very much aware I DO NOT want to be like my Dad. I've been married 21 years, have never cheated, have never even had an opportunity to cheat because I don't want to go down the same road he did. My choice, and my choice is to not cheat. Period. End of story.


Unless that is the lesson that you, a strong person learned?

What lesson, I wonder, would a weak person learn?

Or if your mother had shrugged it off and not shown how it had damaged her, what then, I wonder?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

My mother was a cheater - I was 12 years old when I caught her. It was a horrible thing to endure as a child. It affected me in ways that I can't even describe. It completely ruined my relationship with her. I can tell you that I have NEVER cheated in a relationship in my life. I've been married almost 29 years and I've never, ever even considered going outside my marriage. I think living with a cheater just made me more determined to NEVER be like my mom. I remember vividly right before my wedding, my husband and I had a talk and we agreed that neither would ever tolerate cheating in our marriage. I meant what I said at that time and I believe wholeheartedly that my husband meant what he said and that was if there was ever any cheating, it would be automatic divorce - no second chances.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

i know my dad cheated, multiple times, not sure about my mom. 80/20 chance she did too. one of my brothers and his stbxw have a running argument about who cheated first/more often/during deployment. the other brother cheated on his ex girlfriend last year and is currently single because she cheated on him recently and left him for the om.

i'm by no means perfect, but i have never cheated. not just in my marriage, but in any relationship.

it doesn't have to be a vicious cycle.
sometimes i think it has the opposite effect. Sometimes history repeats itself, and sometimes one's personal history is despicable and you want nothing to do with it.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

This is what I saw with my X wife. Her mother, married twice, cheated repeatedly on both husbands. One divorced her the other died. So to hear from my X that her cheating and leaving us for another guy was "no big deal"...... it shouldn't have been shocking since that's what she learned growing up. It was though


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

The article states the children are more likely to cheat - not guaranteed to cheat...I think awareness of the pitfalls could help the children of unfaithful parents better navigate their own relationships...in my experience knowing approximately 10 or so children of infidelity - half did go on to cheat - including two kids of a woman who witnessed how agonizing her husbands infidelity was for her...


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I always go by direct past behavior. My X wife cheated on her first husband and then me. So now I won't date anyone who has cheated for any reason in their past. I wouldn't automatically exclude someone from my dating pool who had parents that cheated but I would certainly be paying attention and asking questions. As some have stated they saw the selfishness of thier own parents and wanted to do better. I am hopeful both my daughters turn out that way.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> I always go by direct past behavior. My X wife cheated on her first husband and then me. So now I won't date anyone who has cheated for any reason in their past. I wouldn't automatically exclude someone from my dating pool who had parents that cheated but I would certainly be paying attention and asking questions. *As some have stated they saw the selfishness of thier own parents and wanted to do better. I am hopeful both my daughters turn out that way.*


Awareness by the parents and the kids is key to break the cycle - or at least try to...


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Unless that is the lesson that you, a strong person learned?
> 
> What lesson, I wonder, would a weak person learn?
> 
> ...


All good questions, MattMatt. I have wondered why my Mom has held onto her bitterness for so long - in all other respects she's eminently rational and not one to hold grudges. Maybe unconsciously I've adapted what I'm guessing is my Mom's attitude that once you marry it's for good. To my knowledge she hasn't even dated anybody since the divorce over 25 years ago.

You're making me think a little bit, and I think that's always good.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Lloyd Dobler said:


> All good questions, MattMatt. I have wondered why my Mom has held onto her bitterness for so long - in all other respects she's eminently rational and not one to hold grudges. *Maybe unconsciously I've adapted what I'm guessing is my Mom's attitude that once you marry it's for good. To my knowledge she hasn't even dated anybody since the divorce over 25 years ago.*
> 
> You're making me think a little bit, and I think that's always good.


Have you ever talked to her about it? Why she never dated?


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Have you ever talked to her about it? Why she never dated?


No, never have. I'll be with her tomorrow, driving to see my son's soccer game so I think I'll ask.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> I always go by direct past behavior. My X wife cheated on her first husband and then me. *So now I won't date anyone who has cheated for any reason in their past.* I wouldn't automatically exclude someone from my dating pool who had parents that cheated but I would certainly be paying attention and asking questions. As some have stated they saw the selfishness of thier own parents and wanted to do better. I am hopeful both my daughters turn out that way.



Makes sense, but when do you broach the topic? First date? Second date? _Before_ the first date?

And how?

Just curious. I've often wondered about this.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Lloyd Dobler said:


> No, never have. I'll be with her tomorrow, driving to see my son's soccer game so I think I'll ask.


Great! The more you know the better off you will be....


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Makes sense, but when do you broach the topic? First date? Second date? _Before_ the first date?
> 
> And how?
> 
> Just curious. I've often wondered about this.


Perhaps in that brief period between dating and being exclusive?

Maybe say something like - fidelity is very important to me - I take commitment seriously and have never been unfaithful - then ask the question this way - have you ever been cheated on or did you ever cheat in your prior relationships? I'd start with asking them if they were the victim of infidelity first - sounds less accusatory that way...


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Makes sense, but when do you broach the topic? First date? Second date? _Before_ the first date?
> 
> And how?
> 
> Just curious. I've often wondered about this.


Thankfully with online dating before we even first meet. So naturally during that period of time when your emailing/texting/conversing on the phone. During that time I always say hey just so you know infidelity broke up my marriage, I have some really stron opinions on cheaters and won't date them. Anything else I'm open minded about but not this. I think at one point,and maybe still, I had it right in my profile won't date cheaters.


Now...

The obvious question becomes how do you know they won't just lie to you. Well you just take a look around TAM to see what justifying behavior most of them have. In my person experience all were more than willing to come forward so they could tell you the story of how they had no choice and the X spouse drove them to it or how they are the exception to the rule.

And I mean every time like a cat to catnip lol


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> Thankfully with online dating before we even first meet. So naturally during that period of time when your emailing/texting/conversing on the phone. During that time I always say hey just so you know infidelity broke up my marriage, I have some really stron opinions on cheaters and won't date them. Anything else I'm open minded about but not this. I think at one point,and maybe still, I had it right in my profile won't date cheaters.
> 
> 
> Now...
> ...


At that point yo know tey are a remorseless cheat - so you can go one of two ways - and say NEXT if you are looking for a serious GF or have them as a FWB realizing they will never get out of that box no matter how nice they seem....


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

My dad cheated and my FIL cheated. My husband and I have never cheated.

I am concerned though when it comes to my nieces. Their mother has displayed such terrible behavior, like bringing the OM around as her "friend" that I think they've figured out at this point that he's more than a friend. She's moved out, moved back in and moved back out again. I'm afraid they are going to think their parents marriage is normal.

A few months ago my 11 year old niece asked my BIL, "Daddy, when I get married and I want to take a break, can I move in with you?" She asked this right in front of my SIL too. Awkward. My BIL response, "No, you can't. When people get married they don't take breaks."


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> My dad cheated and my FIL cheated. My husband and I have never cheated.
> 
> I am concerned though when it comes to my nieces. Their mother has displayed such terrible behavior, like bringing the OM around as her "friend" that I think they've figured out at this point that he's more than a friend. She's moved out, moved back in and moved back out again. I'm afraid they are going to think their parents marriage is normal.
> 
> A few months ago my 11 year old niece asked my BIL, "Daddy, when I get married and I want to take a break, can I move in with you?" She asked this right in front of my SIL too. Awkward. My BIL response, "No, you can't. When people get married they don't take breaks."


I'm so sorry for your BIL and your nieces...infidelity's effects can last more than one generation..I've seen as much personally...and you are right - this kind of partner-switching behavior sends a message to the kids that it is normal...why doesn't your BIL kick her out once and for all - for his sake and his kids sake?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> My dad cheated and my FIL cheated. My husband and I have never cheated.
> 
> I am concerned though when it comes to my nieces. Their mother has displayed such terrible behavior, like bringing the OM around as her "friend" that I think they've figured out at this point that he's more than a friend. She's moved out, moved back in and moved back out again. I'm afraid they are going to think their parents marriage is normal.
> 
> A few months ago my 11 year old niece asked my BIL, "Daddy, when I get married and I want to take a break, can I move in with you?" She asked this right in front of my SIL too. Awkward. My BIL response, "No, you can't. When people get married they don't take breaks."


My mom cheated....alot, frankly with all of her other issues this wasn't earth shattering but more the final straw with her as far as a relationship with her for me and my brother. She was "discrete" when we were younger so we not exposed to it.

Kids learn from parents, it's not the affair but how the aftermath is handled. If a parent is bringing different "friends" home, acting like marriage/divorce is no big deal then I think children may eventually be susceptible to affairs later as adults. 

My now ex, her parents never had infidelity that I know of but they had far from a happy family unit. They had 4 kids and now with my divorce there kids now have 7 divorces and all because of infidelity.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Truthseeker1 said:


> This One Detail Makes You (or Her) TWICE as Likely to Cheat
> 
> Follow these two steps to safeguard your relationship
> 
> ...


I posted this years ago on TAM.
My STBX is the third generation to cheat on their wives.
His Dad cheated on his Mom.
His paternal grandfather cheated on his grandmother.
My son, who just got engaged a month ago at age 30, was told by yours truly that I will break his legs if he cheats on his soon to be wife.
Just kidding. He sees what his Dad has done to me and I have faith that he will not become the fourth generation to carry on this digusting tradition.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> I'm so sorry for your BIL and your nieces...infidelity's effects can last more than one generation..I've seen as much personally...and you are right - this kind of partner-switching behavior sends a message to the kids that it is normal...why doesn't your BIL kick her out once and for all - for his sake and his kids sake?


A few weeks ago, he finally told her he's divorcing her! Hallelujah!


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> A few weeks ago, he finally told her he's divorcing her! Hallelujah!


Great! He is also sending a message to your nieces that this behavior is unacceptable and also not to be tolerated in a spouse!! I wish him and your nieces th ebest - your STBXSIL can go pound sand...


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

VeryHurt said:


> I posted this years ago on TAM.
> My STBX is the third generation to cheat on their wives.
> His Dad cheated on his Mom.
> His paternal grandfather cheated on his grandmother.
> ...


I have also seen this multi-genrational cheating in more than one family. My life has been littered with this sh!t - which is what brought me to TAM in the first place...a parents infidelity DOES effect the children - no doubt about it...


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

Scary! I can only hope this is not the case for my children. I will always try my best to raise them right. Of course at times this is challenging as a sole parent. I do pray for them but sometimes I find my faith is tested.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

honcho said:


> My mom cheated....alot, frankly with all of her other issues this wasn't earth shattering but more the final straw with her as far as a relationship with her for me and my brother. She was "discrete" when we were younger so we not exposed to it.
> 
> *Kids learn from parents, it's not the affair but how the aftermath is handled. If a parent is bringing different "friends" home, acting like marriage/divorce is no big deal then I think children may eventually be susceptible to affairs later as adults. *
> 
> My now ex, her parents never had infidelity that I know of but they had far from a happy family unit. They had 4 kids and now with my divorce there kids now have 7 divorces and all because of infidelity.


I know a couple with several kids who are going through this exact things - wife cheated - gets pregnant and has her lovers child - H has RAs - now they are divorced several years later but both the H and the W are bringing new partners around the kids and not even calling them "friends" but BFs and GFs - this is going to wreak havoc on those kids and how they view marriage..


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Threeblessings said:


> Scary! I can only hope this is not the case for my children. I will always try my best to raise them right. Of course at times this is challenging as a sole parent. I do pray for them but sometimes I find my faith is tested.


Knowledge is power which is why I posted this article. When one is aware of the pitfalls and dangers they can work to avoid them. I do wish you luck.


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

both parents cheated (multiple times) also my grandmother on one side and maybe grandfather on the other side 
I cheated - I think my H cheated

I don't think there is some kind of cheating gene that drives you to cheat - I knew boundaries were being blurred at the very beginning and I was aware that it was a "friendship" that was becoming inappropriate. I should have stopped it right from the start. There was always a choice.

Once the fog sets in I think it is harder to think properly. But long before this there are MANY opportunities to make the right decision. Maybe there is a genetic link to chasing the dopamine high? Like a predisposition to addictions or a lower level of natural dopamine that makes the fog harder to give up? 

Put like that it still sounds like an excuse though


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I think that is accurate. My father and grandfather were philanderers and I was no different. My wife's father also was. With that said I don't think there is a cheating gene per se. However, it does change how you view infidelity. As messed up as it sounds, in my family a cheating spouse isn't something to be devastated about. It is generally only seen as unacceptable if your spouse is in love with the AP and leaving.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> I think that is accurate. My father and grandfather were philanderers and I was no different. My wife's father also was. With that said I don't think there is a cheating gene per se. However, it does change how you view infidelity. As messed up as it sounds, *in my family a cheating spouse isn't something to be devastated about. It is generally only seen as unacceptable if your spouse is in love with the AP and leaving.*


Bingo..how parents behave - sends a message ot the kids about what is normal, acceptable, etc..if infidelity is no big deal then in your mind if you did cross that boundary it was no big deal..thanks for sharing this - it does give insight into how a wayward's family can skew their worldview in regards to cheating...


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

nursejackie said:


> *both parents cheated (multiple times) also my grandmother on one side and maybe grandfather on the other side
> I cheated - I think my H cheated*
> 
> I don't think there is some kind of cheating gene that drives you to cheat - I knew boundaries were being blurred at the very beginning and I was aware that it was a "friendship" that was becoming inappropriate. I should have stopped it right from the start. There was always a choice.
> ...


Wow so infidelity in your family has gone on for at least 3 generations...how do you plan to help you kids avoid this pitfall?


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

Good question Truthseeker- 

At 7 -I was aware that something went on with my mom and the husband of my dads secretary. My dad left home and came back after a few weeks. 

At 15 my dads infidelity came to the forefront. He had been going back to his birthplace every other year for decades and seeing his first love. After one of these trips The OW called my mom and told her he had given her his wedding ring.(he had told her he'd lost it in the sand) My mom left but eventually came back.

During the last 10 years of my moms life she had an EA with a cuban masseuse. When she had back surgery and was in recovery she was calling for him. My dad was holding her hand at the time. After she died I cleaned out her drawers and found a picture of her in her undergarments that the first OM took of her. It was hidden along with a condom in her dresser. She was 90 when she died. A week after she died my dad was in the hospital- an elderly lady friend came up to him and was rubbing her hand up and down his bare legs- apparently he'd been meeting her for over 10 years at tim hortons and often walked her home after coffee…..

I was angry and disappointed by both of them in many ways. It just seemed so dirty and dysfunctional. I hated that I knew about their infidelity, that it made my childhood insecure and filled with tension. I hated that it set an example of selfishness and immaturity. I hated that I had repeated their actions. 

MC/IC will help so that the pain of the A will hopefully not run our lives or spill over into the kids lives. TAM has helped in many ways. Knowledge is the power to make informed decisions and changes for the better. We can try to protect our marriage from further damage so that we are not repeat offenders. Knowing what each others needs are and meeting these needs will be an important safeguard. I think remorse and forgiveness will play an important part in rebuilding trust. I want to provide an example to our kids of a healthy loving marriage. We have made sure not to involve the kids with our issues or to discuss anything overtly around them. (but I'm sure there have been allusions)

I'm currently reading "codependent no more". It is about living the 180- and thats healthy. I don't really know what else to do. 

Suggestions appreciated...


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

nursejackie said:


> Good question Truthseeker-
> 
> At 7 -I was aware that something went on with my mom and the husband of my dads secretary. My dad left home and came back after a few weeks.
> 
> ...


So both your parents were serial cheaters? Wow..youhave had a rough start with witnessing your parents issues...did your H have the same issues in his family?


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Bingo..how parents behave - sends a message ot the kids about what is normal, acceptable, etc..if infidelity is no big deal then in your mind if you did cross that boundary it was no big deal..thanks for sharing this - it does give insight into how a wayward's family can skew their worldview in regards to cheating...


Yes it did skew my world view, and to be honest I feel really sorry for people who unknowingly marry into a family like mine or my wife's. I say this because of what I saw when my BIL cheated on my SIL. He had a year long affair with an acquaintance of hers and she caught him. She then pretty much followed the TAM script and exposed him. But the reaction she received from the family definitely wasn't what she expected. Basically everyone was telling her that now that she knew what happened, she should just forget about it and move on. She received zero support and was treated like she was the one that was in the wrong for making a big deal of it. She divorced him and has had a very strained relationship with the family ever since. 

To me this means that before you get married don't just ask your future spouse if they would ever cheat on you. I think its also important to understand how they feel about cheating. In other words do they view it as something that is as detrimental to the relationship as you do.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ReformedHubby said:


> Yes it did skew my world view, and to be honest I feel really sorry for people who unknowingly marry into a family like mine or my wife's. I say this because of what I saw when my BIL cheated on my SIL. He had a year long affair with an acquaintance of hers and she caught him. She then pretty much followed the TAM script and exposed him. But the reaction she received from the family definitely wasn't what she expected. *Basically everyone was telling her that now that she knew what happened, she should just forget about it and move on.* She received zero support and was treated like she was the one that was in the wrong for making a big deal of it. She divorced him and has had a very strained relationship with the family ever since.
> 
> To me this means that before you get married don't just ask your future spouse if they would ever cheat on you. I think its also important to understand how they feel about cheating. In other words do they view it as something that is as detrimental to the relationship as you do.


Geez.

That's rugsweeping, not reconciliation.

There HAS to be a line in the sand.

Otherwise you'll never make it off the beach.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Well as the illegitimate son of another illegitimate child, guess my chances are pretty much 0 right? 

And my ex girlfriend cheated on me. 

Damn! I'm batting 1000!


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

Truth seeker- 

H didn't have any family issues regarding infidelity but they don't discuss anything regarding emotions so who knows- I told H's mom that I thought he was having an EA/PA -her response was to blame it on the OW. OW was very aggressive and didn't care about my family or my feelings and that H was just a nice guy who like helping people. I should just let it go.

When I said I wanted him to take a poly she said she would encourage him to take one if I promised I would never bring it up again no matter what the results were and would never snoop again. Queen of the rug sweepers. I couldn't promise that -so she gave him the number of a divorce lawyer.

I confer with Reformed Hubby. The attitude of wayward parents has an impact. 

I definitely think that it was easier for me to have an A. It was normalized. I didn't have a fear of being judged by them and I felt a bit like " better to do it to him before he does it to me" I expected him to do it to me eventually. Maybe I picked someone that would do it to me.

I went to my parents about my suspicions re H's A- they were not very concerned- it will fizzle out…midlife crisis…. he needs more attention from you…

I was upset about seeing a pic of a boob on his phone when I thought it was over- my dad said " maybe its like someone giving up cigarettes and he had to go back for one last drag… don't worry about it he loves you. It was like they couldn't register the pain I was feeling or that they dismissed it as being insignificant.

After all they stayed together 60 years despite all their dalliances. They seemed to expect that spouses stray and it didn't matter much unless they left for the OM/OW. If they stayed it was evidence of their love and that the spouse was of primary importance. Wife trumps mistress...

When I went to the wedding where the OW was my mom had just died and my dad was in the hospital. He said he wanted me to be strong and go. Show her that I was so much more than she could ever be. He said he was proud of me for going and facing her. He felt it was important that she see me and know that I wasn't weak and that I meant business where my marriage was concerned. I was his wife and she was nothing. 

Those words meant a great deal to me. I'm not sure why. I think it was because he was acknowledging my feelings


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

nursejackie said:


> Truth seeker-
> 
> H didn't have any family issues regarding infidelity but they don't discuss anything regarding emotions so who knows- I told H's mom that I thought he was having an EA/PA -her response was to blame it on the OW. OW was very aggressive and didn't care about my family or my feelings and that H was just a nice guy who like helping people. I should just let it go.
> 
> ...


So your parents thought infidelity was just a part of marriage - interesting..the real scandal is leaving for the OM./OW definitely an attitude from a bygone era....what I would have loved to have known is how it effected them - were they better able to get past it - since they expected people to stray....thank you for sharing your parents story..I know its not easy...


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> Yes it did skew my world view, and to be honest I feel really sorry for people who unknowingly marry into a family like mine or my wife's. I say this because of what *I saw when my BIL cheated on my SIL. He had a year long affair with an acquaintance of hers and she caught him. She then pretty much followed the TAM script and exposed him. But the reaction she received from the family definitely wasn't what she expected. Basically everyone was telling her that now that she knew what happened, she should just forget about it and move on. She received zero support and was treated like she was the one that was in the wrong for making a big deal of it. She divorced him and has had a very strained relationship with the family ever since. *
> 
> To me this means that before you get married don't just ask your future spouse if they would ever cheat on you. I think its also important to understand how they feel about cheating. In other words do they view it as something that is as detrimental to the relationship as you do.


WTF?? That is awful - to make her the victim twice!! I have known people who immediately rug swept their spouses affair and just wanted to "move on" - never works - healing never takes place...


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