# What was your mother like?



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I mentioned in the blue pill thread that I wanted to create a new thread about this topic after marduk had shared some enlightening stuff about his own mother and how that shaped his views on life, which was fascinating. It helps us to know where someone is coming from to hear stories like this.

My mom is an awesomely powerful little pixie and I respect her greatly. She was a true egalitarian and gave me a world view based on that and I appreciate it every day of my life.

How did your mother's attitude and personality shape your life?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I learned from all my mothers mistakes HOW NOT TO LIVE.. it's a sad thing to say.. but that's the truth. 

We have very little in common (though there are a few things...she is a good writer..she always threw me Huge FUN birthday parties growing up, I do this for my kids)...she was my best friend before the divorce.. but things went terribly wrong after this....she has said of me.. she doesn't know how I came from her.. that I am ALL my father.. Not close to either parents really....

I kinda made my own blueprint .... but it's true.. I've always been more like my father in personality, outlook...he was the common sense one who kept his feet on the ground... the one who loved the country, didn't need high adventure, just Love/ togetherness from his spouse, a more simple stable existence.. 

My Mother.. on the other hand..she is one of those people who is impulsive, doesn't count the cost, married when she wasn't in love, Gave herself to Philanderers, had a nervous breakdown due to how she was living -all this while going to church (what a witness!)... lost all her self esteem, married a serve alcoholic, lived a life that put such a sour taste in my mouth. I will have nothing to do with people who can't handle their DRINK...having seen 1st hand the misery that can come upon one's life...feeling helpless to help her.

At one point they had a murderer living with them, this guy killed his GF, came back , stole the sandwich out of her mouth, and the cops were at their door... I spent a month living with her when I was 15 in another state (my Father had no idea how dangerous of a section of town she lived in).... met a Prostitute next door who killed her 1st husband.. seen many things that I wanted NOTHING ever to do with...that I could never sink this low ...I wanted better for my life, my future... 

She always loved me, I know she is very proud of me / our family... I wasn't abused, or anything like this.. she wasn't in my life during my teen years... I lived with her a short time after the divorce -when I was in 4th grade.. I guess I was a MOUTHY BRAT - she never disciplined me.... Things went very bad there due to bringing User men into our home, she was raped, beat up.... my Father called her in a rage taking me off of her saying "no child of his would live in that atmosphere"...(that's when it all fell apart for her...she lost everything.. her job, me, her mind, the little house we shared).... the sad thing is.. she had A LOT GOING FOR HER Before she got involved with BAD MEN...

She took me to see the Exorcist when I was 9... A good mother she had no idea what the H to do! I always felt I was more like "the Mother". growing up...that I needed to "save her", help her.. Looking back.. I put a lot of energy & wasted time in that pursuit.. we're just very different people. 

My Grandmother next door was more like a Mother to me...her example, more than any other, has shaped me , inspired me... It was GOOD my Father got a hold of me.. I learned discipline.. how to work hard, shut my mouth...and basically to appreciate more.. Him & my Step Mother had an awesome marriage.. even if I didn't like her at all back then.. It all had it's purpose ...


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

A physical, emotional and mental abuser of her three children.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Of course we won't all have happy stories, which is why it helps us to know where people are coming from.

My mother was not perfect and there were many things we both had to overcome, but we did get there.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

It's funny. I can forgive - kick out the toxic twins, resentment and bitterness out of my heart - for transgressions done to me, but when its done to those closest to me, I struggle quite a bit.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Pretty similar to SA. I didn't have a dad to go to but I went to my grandparents once.

I learned terrible things from her and I was shaped into a terrifying young man by the experiences endured.

I believe my wife was sent by God.

I don't believe I would be alive today had I not met her.

I will say that I have zero tolerance for endangering or harming children and I can recognize abusers very quickly and have helped put them in jail and helped their victims get free from them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Great thread!

My mother is an angel here on earth. We're best friends. She was a SAHM with three girls and did her job extremely well. 

She is sensitive, would give you the shirt off her back (one of my dad's complaints-she spread herself too thin helping others), and is the least judgemental person I know.

She is my hero. I try to emulate her every day. 

She always greeted my father with a cheerful kiss and hug when he came home from a hard day's work. Dinner and a cup of coffee was always ready. She impressed upon us not to barrage him the second he came in the door-we greeted him enthusiastically, but gave him space for the first 5 or 10 minutes for him to decompress. It's a rule I follow in my every day life at work and at home.

She always had music playing and created a cheerful, harmonious environment. She focused on the family (I think alot of it has to do with her Mormon religion) and gave us such a wonderful childhood. We did lots of activities together at her urging, which brought us close as a family.

We moved every 2 or 3 years. I had a hard time making friends at my new schools. Every night she would make me chamomile tea and read a story with me to assuage my nerves. The next morning, she would sing the "I feel pretty" song with me in the mirror.

She's my biggest cheerleader and I'm hers. She's a lovely woman. I couldn't have asked for a better mother. And I tell her every chance I get.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Like intheory, it was our paternal grandmother - 95 and going strong - who my siblings and I consider our true mother. On mother's day it is she who we celebrate.


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

IMO.

I have the best mom ever.

My mom isn't perfect but she tries her best she loves me and my brothers and I wouldn't trade her for anything. My Grand-ma-(god rest her soul) she was awesome to. I want to be just like the both of them.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Her good points are that she is very kind and compassionate, very generous, helps anyone with anything they need if it's within her power to do so, great and available grandmother, adventurous, and good at communicating her feelings, not rug-sweeping anything, etc. Growing up she was always there for us, very affectionate and loving (sometimes too much, and she's still like this with her grandkids), supportive of everything we did.

However, she's not a saint. During our teen years, there was a lot of screaming and yelling between her and my sis and me. I can't even imagine yelling at my kids now (I did when they were younger, not proud). She was so high strung about household stuff and she still gets overwhelmed very, very easily. She never really worked much, and she's not all that intelligent. What she always considered a busy day is....just not a busy day. Her world was very, very, very small. She was going through peri-menopause when my sis and I were hormonal teens and it was not a good mix. My poor dad. She was so fussy about the house and us doing our chores. She used to get so mad when my dad snuck into our bedrooms while we were in the shower to surprise us with making our beds for us in the mornings because it was not teaching us to be responsible (that was not at all our only chore). She'd make mountains out of mole hills like that. When I was pregnant with my first child she bought me a sleeveless maternity shirt, but I was due in February so it was unlikely I'd be able to wear it. She flipped out when I mentioned that, feelings hurt. We had to walk on egg shells around her for many, many years.

My mom is now almost 74 and has chilled out a LOT. My dad had an affair and my parents were separated for the last five years of his life, and that's when she began to chill out a lot. Forced independence (although he paid all her bills and she still didn't work) and becoming a grandmother helped her to not fret so much about the little things and expanded her world. She also started on anti-depressants and has often said how much she wishes she'd been on them when we were teens. I do too.

She still obsesses over things like hobbies (she'll do nothing else for days except whatever her current hobby is) and she can't follow many conversations or TV shows, etc., but I love her. I owe her so much. I would not be able to buy the house I'm moving into next month if it was not for her and her generosity with the down payment. She's even buying a house for a her twin sister to move down here this fall. Oi vey....now there will be two of them.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

lucy999 said:


> Great thread!
> 
> My mother is an angel here on earth. We're best friends. She was a SAHM with three girls and did her job extremely well.
> 
> ...


*This is the way it SHOULD BE...Beautiful* ... THIS IS SOMETHING I ENVIED GROWING UP, my friends who had THIS with their mother.. (even siblings I envied.. as I didn't have those either)... It's WHY I wanted a daughter of my own...it was the Desire of my







... 

When dating my Husband I told him.. I wanted at least 3 kids.. but if one wasn't a girl...I wanted to keep going.. as I wanted to experience that Awesome "Mother/ daughter" thing....since I really never had it.. or should I say... it was ripped from me... 

I remember the day he told me .. I can have as many as I wanted.. so long as I "took care of them".. he held true to his promise after yrs of infertility then till #5 to get that little darling......

I am not as Sweet as your Mom sounds.. but they all adore me and wouldn't trade me.. I've given our kids a wonderful childhood.. which means the world TO ME.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

My mum isn't perfect (who is) but she is a amazingly strong and kind human being.
I think she was a very positive influence on me.
I did learn from her mistakes as well (which a consider more a positive experience than negative, at least I didn't have to learn them as a adult).


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

My mother was what they used to call a 'pocket Venus.' She was very short, but had a body like Salma Hayek. She was warm, empathetic, smart, and very, very kind. She had a successful career as she raised 5 children and did the work of the traditional wife of a Greatest Generation man (this meant that she worked full-time, plus did everything around the house).

She was a quiet original. When all the mothers were buying mom cars to cart the kids around, my mother convinced my father to buy her a '66 Mustang by piling all five of us in the back, thus proving that we 'could fit' in her dream car. My father had to screw wooden blocks to the accelerator and brake peddles so that her feet could reach. Even so, she drove sitting on a pillow.

My mother died way too young, in her late forties. Her wake was filled with all of our teen-aged friends, which shocked a lot of her distant family members, who kept commenting on how many young people had come to pay respects. Until that moment, it hadn't really occurred to me how special it was that all my friends valued her. I was lucky enough to take all of her love for granted, I now know.

I have outlived my mother by a number of years, but I still miss her so much.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

My mother also was an egalitarian, strong, wise, understanding. We constantly butt heads growing up, I was the only male in a house of 4.
I wouldn't change a thing, and I wish I could go back in time, before we all grew up to. Just one day, us 3 kids under her wing in our broken little home.

She worked 2 jobs, I rarely ever saw her, but for an hour each night, when she came home from work, we would all pass out on the living room floor watching late night sitcoms, cheers, night court. And she would gather us one at a time to carry us off to bed.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

My mom was pretty complex. She was a great mom and a horrible one and I mean that sincerely and still with affection. She did the best with the tools that she had but sometimes those tools were barbed wire. Her upbringing was like something you'd see on a "Surviving Evil" episode so I honestly do not blame her for the times when she majorly fvcked up. Despite being damaged and making mistakes, I also know that she also loved us fiercely. She also taught me some things in her short time here that made up for a lot of the bad. From my mother, I was given examples of what to do - sometimes by example and sometimes from going in the complete opposite direction. There are parts of her legacy that I fully embrace and wish to pass on. The bad, I work hard to leave to rest with her.


*GOOD THINGS I LEARNED FROM EXAMPLE:*​


That it's okay to be a tomboy if you want to. 


That it's okay to be beautiful and look dainty, feminine, or sexy if you want to.


To appreciate nature and love nature and the outdoors.


To be resourceful whether that's finding ways to stretch a dollar, seeking information about a subject or even seeking help to solve a problem.


How to talk to almost anyone, about almost anything. I am an extrovert, through-and-through as was my mother. 


That it's okay for women to be physically strong and enjoy "guy things" and be good at "guy things".

[*]She could fix cars, do renos, carpentry, loved archery as a hobby and competed with her crossbow, loved lifting weight, 4x4ing etc. and was good at all of those things.​

That it's okay for a women to enjoy what are traditionally "girl things" and those things are not lesser than other pursuits.

[*]She was a phenomenal traditional cook. A great seamstress and made all of my costumes for plays, our curtains, reupholstered furniture, decorated the house beautifully and was a very good singer.​

That it's okay for women to be smart and educated and knowledgeable about certain subjects of interest or experience to them and to be seen to be smart. (Not having to dumb yourself down to gain male attention or be liked). 


To be loving and accepting of all people of any sex, creed, race, culture and religion or lack there of or sexual preference. 


People can change. Saying a leopard cannot change it's spots is true for leopards. That doesn't mean people will always change but the possibility exists. Take each person as they come.


An incredible amount of emotional resilience and strength. My mom was handed some really bad cards in life starting from birth into an incredibly dysfunctional and abusive family to the painful chronic illness that eventually took her life. She didn't give up until the day her heart stopped ticking. Seeing her go through a lot and unfortunately, being put through some "a lot" myself has given me a lot of strength and puts challenges into perspective for me...my feathers aren't easily ruffled. 


A love of learning, reading and just finding things out. My mom died before we took home computers and the Internet as a given. We visited libraries, took a lot of road trips and visited a lot of museums. 


A great sense of humour and the ability to laugh at one's self. Self-depreciating humour, dry wit were her strengths when it came to gut-busting.


To keep pursuing growth despite it all. Despite the major F-ups, my mom did keep trying to grow and correct and heal and move past it all do do better for herself and for us.


*THINGS I LEARNED FROM SEEING FROM EXAMPLE BUT WANTING THE OPPOSITE FOR MYSELF:*​


Although I might be friendly, I am their parent first and my children are not now and will never be my friends. It is more important to be respected in the long term than liked in the moment. There are times when saying "yes" is worse than saying "no". 

 There were times my mom let me do things and it was irresponsible of her and frankly, I wish she had been stricter because although I didn't lose love for her, I did recognize she wasn't being a parent and I lost some respect for her as an authority figure. 


My children are not adults, they are not my therapist. I will not age them faster by leaning on them in moments of vulnerability or pressing them with matters they have no business worrying about.


I will never be in a relationship where I am hit or controlled, or emotionally abused or where my children can be abused or witness to it.


I will never take "spare the rod, spoil the child" literally. 


I will inevitably fvck up as a parent. I will not let stubborn pride get in the way of a much deserved apology. It is okay to apologize to my kids if and when I do as well as forgive myself. My kids will also love me if I fvck up whether I apologize or not. 


Respect for your elders is an antiquated term that tends to be abused by the people that say it in our family (my grandmother, maternal Aunt and younger maternal Uncle). I afford basic respect to everyone. "respecting my elders" does not lend itself to taking their opinions as gospel or rules for how I will live my life. It also doesn't lend itself to permitting abuse or disrespect because their birth was marked on an earlier calendar than mine. 


Some people you can love from afar. In fact, for your own sanity you must! Unconditional love does not mean unconditional acceptance of toxic behaviour. 


I will respect my children's religious beliefs and not discourage them from exploring whatever they choose or don't choose. I want them to find the answers for themselves. 


Don't take time for granted. There might not be tomorrow. Pass on the skills that you have to your kids whether it's speaking a second language, fixing a car, plumbing or electrical, woodworking and carpentry. When you are gone, doing those things in your absence will be part of your legacy that they can be passed down. It's also a way they can feel closer to you and remember you by. I don't have a lot of tangible items from my mother or my childhood but when I cook certain dishes or sew or build something my mom is in my thoughts and I'm happy to have that. 


I will love myself through every season of my life and teach my boys to do the same.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

alte Dame said:


> When all the mothers were buying mom cars to cart the kids around, my mother convinced my father to buy her a '66 Mustang by piling all five of us in the back, thus proving that we 'could fit' in her dream car. My father had to screw wooden blocks to the accelerator and brake peddles so that her feet could reach. Even so, she drove sitting on a pillow.


I think your father is wonderful, too. :smile2:


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I wrote an essay about my mother for English last Fall. The title of said paper was "The Beast Within." 

My mom, Nonnie, and I did everything together when I was younger. The two of them meant the world to me and I to them. Then, Nonnie got sick. She had 9 heart attacks in a year, actually died twice. The third time she died was permanent. My mom lost it. She started drinking, a lot. Not an alcoholic, but she was a mean drunk. 

We had already been abandoned by my father and now her mother was dead. Although mom was remarried, it wasn't all that great. I became the target for all my mother's rage and pain. The verbal, emotional, and physical abuse would last 8yrs. It stopped when I beat the sh!t out of her when I was 19 and pregnant. I put up with a lot to try and protect my brothers. It was my job. 

My mom hasn't had an easy life. She was adopted by my Nonnie when she was around 2. Her bio mom had kept her locked in closets, never changing her diapers. My mom, when she was first exposed to sunlight, screamed. She married my sperm donor and he beat her, and my step dad has beaten her as well. I was an easy target for her. I took the blame for her life. 

Despite it all, she is still my mother. I have forgiven her. I had to, for me. Because of all I experienced as a child, I have a psych profile that reads like a novella. One might wonder how I manage to function in society if they read it. Did it suck growing up like that? Hell yes, but I am stronger for it. 

Now that my brother Paul has died, my mom is a broken woman. Even more broken than before. I look at her and I see a sad, old woman, and it hurts my heart. She won't be around for forever, and it makes me sad. I will be there for her now, she needs me. It is my job.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Both of my parents are awesome people. But they both believed quite strongly that babies should be born totally able to look after themselves, and were a bit cross that this wasn't true. My whole life I was encouraged to be independent, to look after myself, and as a consequence, I was on my own by age 15 and never had much of a relationship with either of them.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

My mother was raised in a middle class family...and she was the baby...so she was probably a little more naive than her sisters, but she also was very devout in her walk with God even as a teen...when her family weren't religious at all. Married her high school sweetheart, yet my dad came back from Vietnam an entirely different person and began drinking. My mother, whose own father was a drinker, didn't know what to do...except file for divorce after my father had disappeared into drinking for several years.

My sister and I always found our mother to be caring and supportive. She was often our cheerleader and tried her best to bring some sunshine in our young lives. She was always very simple in her approach to things, loved tradition, old musicals, and not a flashy, showy person. However, she did not handle stress very well, especially after she married another alcoholic. Mom also could get morally legalistic as a way for her to handle stress or situations she could not control which I think made her lonely. I responded by trying to be good. My sister rebelled but, even after she had cooled down in her adult years, she still kept flow of information minimal to our mom, for fear of mom's history of being judgmental with things/perspectives outside of her understanding. 

I had always looked up to my mom, the way she endured things and stayed positive most of the time. My step-dad was in the Navy and was deployed sometimes 6 mos at a time. As I got older, I soon noticed that she had a hard time maintaining her boundaries with my step-dad who was impulsive and dominant. There just started to be a dysfunctional dynamic surrounding his alcoholism...where my mom showed signs of being deeply resentful, but gave excuses for his behavior rather than confronting it. Once, when he flew in a rage (very rare) and started calling her "b****", I squared off with him to defend her, but she yelled at me in that moment for disrespecting him...and then I lost a lot of respect for her for a season.

Today, we get along very well and are able to connect very frequently, and she has really matured in her spiritual walk and is doing things that she loves. She still has a lot of regrets regarding my step-father and his arrested development. He gave up drinking long ago, but never really filled up that hole either and is content to waste in front of the television. She is now able to get on with life, guilt-free.

Even though I think a lot of her positivity was supported by her superhuman denial of reality, it shaped me to not be crushed by circumstance either.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

My mother is a passive aggressive, mysoginistic, judgmental, codependent wife of an alcoholic. She was very hard working and demanding. Her methods were harsh but I did learn self sufficiency and responsibility from her. 

It took many years of self help books, introspection, and therapy to get to a place where we can even have a healthy relationship. I have very firm boundaries regarding my family of origin.

I'm really hoping the work I have done and the stable, healthy, happy marriage my husband and I have will stop the cycle of alcoholism and abuse that is in my family.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Let's see:

Plus: brave - WW2 decorated Resistance partisan -, intelligent, making it to manager in our national FEMA. Fearless, having dealt with the Jerries in WW2 and the Commies afterwards. Cultured (spoke 2 languages well and one so and so), loved opera and the arts. Exceptional empathy. Excellent writer. Very pretty in her teens thru 30's. Great marriage partner. Beyond funny. 

Cons: a bit too emotional, could not let go of past, too much focus on other people. In her 40's and 50's she had health problems and was stressed out. Lousy cook and housekeeper.

I was very close to her and even after I came to the USA she cheered me on to stay. 

My younger girl is a very close rendition of my Mom physically, pale white skin, wavy / curly black hair, classical European beauty. 

Mom passed away in 1995 after years of troubles with her health.


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

intheory said:


> My mother is about 40% of the reason I decided to never become a mother.
> 
> My grandmother was wonderful. I have a picture of her next to where I sit in the living room. Can't say enough good about her. To this day, I draw on the love and happiness and good memories I have from her; like a well deep inside me.


To be completely honest I don't think my mum had anything maternal in her, she did tried, God bless her but most of the time it was like I was the mum she was the teenager in our relantionship. Maybe that's the reason that she only had me and I was an accident by the way

And like you said she is one of the reason since I was l11 that I decided Against having children.

But my nana ( grandmother ) she is was my mum. Even my mother knows that. She is the sweetest person out there and the reason that me and my mum have a relantionship today.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I've mentioned specific incidents with my mother on other threads on this message board, so just search on me and the word "mother."

I think my mother is a *****. It's taken me a while to come to this conclusion but especially since my 20s, I knew that there was a disconnect going on. Even now, when I look back on my childhood, I really think she was jealous of me:

1. Doing well at piano and getting along with the instructor: Oh well, some of those peices sound funny to me.

2. Getting into photography and then getting assignments by the shool newspaper: I don't think those photos are all that great.

3. Married to a white man: Are you shure that his mother approves of you 

4. Promised to call me on Easter when I first moved country to be with my husband: She didn't do it, citing the fact that "she had too many phone numbers" (she only had two at the time, one for London and for my mother in law. We agreed on the phone number to call THAT DAY and the time (her local time).

5. She tried to choose my friends. always the ones that I didn't get along with are the ones that she wants me to be friends with

6. She reamined "friends" with a guy who was stalking me. One time he saw me playing tennis in the park with another guy. I then went to my parents' later that day. My mother said that the stalker had called her and told her that he saw me in that park with another man that day...... and then I was in a romantic position with him. I could see the smirk on her face as she was saying it. I have reminded her of that a few times and now she vehemently denies having said it.......

and so on.......

the only way to get her to stop, is to stop talking to her, And so I have.

Our conversations now are perfunctory. She even thanks me for calling her now.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Off topic Kristisha, but I love your cat avatar. Looks like the soot spirits in the films My Neighbor Totoro and Spirited Away.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

This is a very nice thread.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
My mother was smart, but weak. She allowed her marriage to degenerate, and in reality did a terrible job of raising her children. It was not entirely her fault, my father has serious psychological issues, and while not at all abusive, he wasn't very functional. My mother ended up a borderline alcoholic who "loved" her children but was unable to do much for them.

I spent more time with my father in the nursing home than he did with me when I was growing up. The absent father left a gap that my mother should have, but didn't even try to fill. 

Both parents are dead.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

My mother and I... don't exactly have too much of a pleasant history, we did during childhood... somewhat, during teens she abandoned me, but otherwise...

She was extremely intelligent, hard-working, educated to the doctorate level, successful, beautiful, artistic, hot tempered and unforgiving. Approaching her twilight years now she is now much kinder, compassionate, and forgiving acknowledging her flaws in her earlier life. To this day, despite her age, her intelligence and beauty still turn heads and minds, I have inherited much of her virtues as well as vices. Despite our difficulties during my teens, I am proud of her and proud to be her son. Whether she is proud of me, well that's her business. My family is scattered internationally so I, and her grand-daughter have limited contact with her.


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

FormerSelf said:


> Off topic Kristisha, but I love your cat avatar. Looks like the soot spirits in the films My Neighbor Totoro and Spirited Away.


Cheers Formerself, it's my cat:grin2:, a small ball of black fur


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The funny part was how my Mom was instrumental in me pursuing what I wanted to study. Being the art cultures person she was she dragged me all around the opportunities we had for art, theater, travel, the works. She had an eye for design, something I realized when she drew the floor plans for our dacha before we even talked to the builder. When I told her what I wanted to study she did not even flinch. Unlike Major Dad :lol:

Relationships wise we were BFF's. I confided in her  and received valuable advise. The girls I brought home had to pass the mom test. J2 was the one that did not take the test...

She had a lot of trouble with my brother's wife (Entitled Princess, Esq.) and my brother keeping her a bit distant. It would not be a joke to say that she saw my house and J2 more than my brother's house . 

Her biggest flaw in retrospect was not reding people truly. She was very empathic but somehow only chose to read the good side of them. That was not a good idea of course. Thankfully Major Dad complemented this with his military intelligence skills.

She was the caretaker of everyone. When my Dad was in the hospital at age 55 with heart problems she lived at the hospital for two weeks and took great care of him. That's why I have severe doubts about my own marriage...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Mum was like the evil queen growing up, and she was quite sadistic with the cain that several times dad had to stop her when she was "disciplining" me heh. I also watched her almost cleave his head off with a meat cleaver during one of their quarrels. Dad and I lived in fear of her temper actually as a child. As a perfectionist I still remember in primary school I was cained for any mark less than 100%, the more I got wrong, the more I got cained. Eventually she layed off abit though, I still remember the day, can't remember the age, when I showed her my report card and told her the exact number of lashes I expected to recieve. Either she was in a good mood that day or she was impressed with my boldness because I got no lashes! Regardless I scored very well in school out of fear until I dropped out of high school.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

When I was very young I alternated between thinking I had the most fun mom in the world and being terrified of her.

Fun, because she would do things like take a car full of us and our friends to the lake for long afternoons and swim with us, no other neighborhood mom would take 10+ kids under ten anywhere. Our house was always full of kids because she would let us do things that other moms would not allow … turn the entire basement into a haunted house, roller skating rink, etc.

Terrifying, because she would do things like hold a lighted match under your finger in order to coerce the “truth” from you. Once, she ran down our neighborhood street completely naked and screaming gibberish. She (and my dad) would pinch, hit or knock me over in passing for no reason, I mean in a literal “drive by” manner.

My mom made it very clear to me that I was not what she had hoped for (2nd child of 4). She would tell everyone that she cried when I was born because I was not a boy, I must be the “Milk Man's daughter” because I was so unlike any of my siblings, i.e. all sorts of statements that indicated I was a “mistake”.

My mother had extreme bi-polar disorder, the type where you are severely manic or severely depressed, with little or no in-between moods. She experienced a final metal breakdown when I was 12 and was institutionalized; I did not see her again until I was 19. I have had limited contact, by choice, and have not lived within 100 miles of my parents since I was 16.

So her behavior was obviously not her fault, but I did not know that until I was older. In the intervening years, without my mother at home, I truly learned what a right-bastard my father was. But that is another story.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

High five for having a scary mum!

Sheez, is there anything positive from all that? Like, for me, my mum was like a drill instructor, but the mental development, physical/pain conditioning, and emotional hardening after abandonment actually served me quite well growing up as I found myself at an advantage later in many areas of life since 12.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I hate myself for saying this but when my "mother" died, I was relieved. It meant no more beatings, no more emotional abuse, no more mental cruelty. Sadly my younger siblings still carried the damaged caused by her. Drug abuse and suicide attempts were her legacy to them. Thank God for our grandmother, she was our true mother.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Kristisha said:


> Cheers Formerself, it's my cat:grin2:, a small ball of black fur


He/she is so dang cute. I wanna keep it in my back pocket.

OK, ::end threadjack::


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Red Sonja said:


> I must be the “Milk Man's daughter” because I was so unlike any of my siblings, i.e. all sorts of statements that indicated I was a “mistake”.


Milk Man's Daughter sounds like a terrific book title. Your story I think would be a great autobiography.

Hell, everyone's story is worthy of being told. Thanks everyone for sharing some pretty heavy stuff.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

My mom was graceful, beautiful, artistic, and warm. She could have been in Hollywood, she was that beautiful.

But she was also very hands off. She didn't play with me or any of us that I recall. We didn't talk about how how to be polite or how to handle boys or be a friend. When I got my period, I didn't even think to mention it to her. In many ways I admired her, but she also left me without the social skills I think a parent should teach their kids. I don't recall ever having a conversation with her that felt real. She always had this facade up. I wished I could have known her, but I never did. She's gone now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

morituri said:


> Thank God for our grandmother, she was our true mother.


Same for me. I was sent to live with my grandparents every summer, they lived on a rural farm and were wonderful people.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

I am blessed with the most amazing mother. I look back on my life with her and I remember so many good times because she chose to make life good and positive. I remember her practical advice and unwavering support during the bad times. 

She's not an affectionate person and most wouldn't describe her as warm. The words strong, analytical, practical, determined and brave suit her well. Yet everyone in her family, kids and grandkids feel her unconditional love. 

The best things she has taught me is to control my emotions and look for solutions. Make the best out of bad situations. Always have a plan know where you are going in this life. 

We are 4 generations of strong women living under the same roof. My granny, my mom, me and my daughter. Respect and love are indeed wonderful gifts to give and receive.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Some of the stories of child abuse here are horrifying.
The survivors have my deepest sympathy

I sometimes think abuse may be a lot more common than many people realize.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

This thread makes me really sad, because my mom was... well it's complicated. 

I am convinced she is bi-polar because even as a child I called them "cycles of the moon." She had periods of being somewhat in touch with reality and fairly nice...and then gradually she would "grow dark" and we had to pull all the curtains and be VERY quiet while she pretty much laid in bed. If we disturbed her, we were dead. That cycle was not great, but we could go outside or be quiet...it was the cycle after that which was scary: the period where she was not in touch with reality and scary. 

I remember some fun things in my childhood. I was friends with everyone on my block. I played baseball with the neighborhood kids in the sandlot. I had a pet dog, cat and 2 horses. I had my sister who was 1 1/2 years younger than me. I was a good student. 

BUT I remember some "not so fun" things in my childhood too. My mom would have us "stand at attention" for hours while she screamed at us. She would hit us with a broom handle or a rolling pin or a hair brush from shoulders to knees until she was exhausted from hitting us so much. My mom would lock me in the basement overnight to punish me for being rebellious. I have no memory of every being nurtured or encouraged. I have no idea what it's like to have a mother be supportive or protective or very affectionate really. My mom was my abuser and it was severe, so my feeling toward her was "I survived her." 

To this day she refuses to go to any type of counseling or take any medication: there's nothing wrong with her. To this day, she still cycles and it's mellowed some in her old age but it's there. I have lived thousands of miles away from her, so if she's nuts I politely disregard the ravings. And if she sane, I interact with her as politely and respectfully as possible. She wants to have a relationship--I feel like it's difficult since she won't admit to herself she needs any help. 

So.... :crying: My mom did give me one thing. I am strong as strong can be! I can survive ANY THING. You can't really scare me, no reality can really scare me, because I've already survived so much worse!


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

FormerSelf said:


> He/she is so dang cute. I wanna keep it in my back pocket.
> 
> OK, ::end threadjack::


 :grin2:


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> Some of the stories of child abuse here are horrifying.
> The survivors have my deepest sympathy
> 
> I sometimes think abuse may be a lot more common than many people realize.


I've had the same thoughts, and want to thank everyone for sharing. 

Some of what I read makes me want to to back and edit my post and delete my "complaints" about my mother, which pale in comparison to what some of our strong posters have endured.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I just remembered two good things that came directly from my mom growing up.

She told me I could do anything and I believed her.

She also put the fear of God in me about getting anyone pregnant.

Those two things actually helped shape me in a very positive direction.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> Some of the stories of child abuse here are horrifying.
> The survivors have my deepest sympathy
> 
> I sometimes think abuse may be a lot more common than many people realize.


It makes me wonder really, like, for many of the stories shared, especially the one shared in regards to her mother calling her own flesh and blood "milk man's daughter"... I just see abuse/neglect, no questions asked. However, for me, was it really abuse? It reminds me of this skit:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nn5jlrxcpkI

I've never laid a hand on my daughter, I just can't and I never had to. Ex-wife however, gives her the slap of shame from time to time - she slaps our daughter's hand, not even enough to hurt her, but to shame her, and it works considering how well behaved she is.


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> I just remembered two good things that came directly from my mom growing up.
> 
> She told me I could do anything and I believed her.
> 
> ...


this is one of many things that can bring a lot of unwanted drama for everyone and life lasting consequences


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Dang it I wanna grab that kitty


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Dang it I wanna grab that kitty


:grin2: it's sweet for cuddling


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

My mother has never done anything wrong, just ask her. She sets the standard for denial queen. 

Everything she didn't like in her life was "my fault" for being born. She went out of her way to tell me constantly she never wanted me and I ruined the life she thought she was entitled to. She has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember and suffers from severe depression for as long as anyone remembers. 

She had numerous affairs and could be very manipulative when she wanted to be or get what she wanted. She was and will do whatever she wants no matter who it hurts and its never bothered her. My brother hasn't spoken to her in years. 

My brother has several children, he is even a grandfather yet our mother will not even acknowledge being a grandmother or great grandmother because its makes "feel" old. So they just don't exist in her world. 

People always ask how I could deal with my crazy stbx, well compared to my mom she was a walk in the park.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

honcho said:


> *My mother has never done anything wrong, just ask her. She sets the standard for denial queen*.


 What you said made me think of this book I picked up at a flea Market yrs ago... I think they left out the "Denial Queen"...

High-Maintenance Relationships: How to Handle Impossible People 



> These are the chapters.....
> 
> *The Critic *- constantly complains & give unwanted advice
> 
> ...


Not about Mothers of course.. but many of us could go down this list and pick & choose the closest dysfunction that fits....(not to mention others as well... friends, co-workers, a boss, our spouse , Mother in law, Father in law ...etc )...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hmmm I would say my mum was a...










Ex-wife was probably the cold-shoulder, something I was not trained to handle, so I was probably the errr, dunno... poker! Had to help her erupt sometime, a dormant volcano was more terrifying then a live one for me.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

With my own Mom.. she wasn't into denying any of her flaws.. she was always very humble in laying them out there.... she would refer to herself as very Naive (especially when she married my Father) ..she always spoke of him being a good man & he deserved better. She would joke how she is the last person to ask advice from, make a crack ....how she's made every mistake one could make.. then laugh out loud about it.. 

When someone was GOOD to her.. she would hold this person in the highest light.. never forget them, she'd share the stories... She always had a heart for the innocent.. Deep down I feel she always meant well.. just got in too deep over her head - not thinking things through..

She would also Overwork herself to please ... even unto hurting her own health..got a hernia working for nothing... I've seen some of that play out..and it angered ME.. 

One scant memory.. a Crazy one...when I visited her age 15.. she didn't have a car, she wanted to take me to this water park.. she hitched this ride with a stranger, a young man.. then must have felt, or suddenly realized "what if he doesn't take us there?"... she panicked... didn't want anything to happen to me (I don't think she ever much cared about herself ).... (again impulsive thinking - we should have never stepped in that vehicle).. here she starts acting like a LUNATIC in order for him to want to throw us out.. and HE DID! Problem solved. 

She wrote this poem about me. ..probably 27 + yrs ago now.... 



> *“She gave me laughter “ *
> 
> God bless this precious child of mine
> so faithful & so true
> ...


 Even though we may not have a lot in common...and I can see how her choices led her down some DARK paths...yet it's been interesting to me ...last year we watched this movie..








....she has compared her life in some ways to the Blind Colonel ...yet she will turn around and say SHE DOESN'T REGRET her life ...that she's had ADVENTURE ... though CRAZY and rough as some of it was...(she was almost killed with a sickle from a drunken neighbor once, her Husband stepped in -taking the blow on his shoulder)... 

She is far from the Domesticated type who would be happy with a brood of kids playing house ....Romance means basically nothing to her... and I think.. how in the world am I related to her !!!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> How did your mother's attitude and personality shape your life?


It's an interesting question. She can be one of the most compassionate people I know - able to put herself in somebody else's shoes to be of help. Perhaps sometimes to a fault. Yet she can have a very negative internal frame of reference and distrust that prevents her from seeking and developing friendships despite an inner desire to have that type of connection. I greatly value the friendships in my life and see the balance they can bring.

Over the years she has suffered with anxiety and depression. The worst of her depression was when I was in high school. It used to both upset and frustrate me. I could see the side to her that was strongly opinionated, full of life, compassionate and giving, but at the time it felt like she just couldn't embrace life and what it could be. She'd share her frustrations of their marriage and I used to try to help and encourage her but that only lead to me feeling frustrated when she didn't seem to do anything but complain. I observed what I would and wouldn't put up with. I'm almost embarrassed to admit that at 17, it was actually me who phoned a divorce lawyer on her behalf and made an appointment, drove her to the city and went with her. It was so that she could take responsibility and be better informed of certain aspects that she was worried about. Granted her and my dad were very considerate to one another in their divorce.

The coming-of-age stuff like driving lessons, and moving out, was on me. Her anxiety couldn't handle it. My dad had already moved out by then. I found and arranged the driving instructor and got my license quite quickly. She didn't want me driving; I did it anyway, knowing it was good for my independence. The time came at 18 for me to move out of home. She didn't want to know anything about it. Instead she told me that if I moved out, she'd never speak to me again. It was heart-breaking to hear that. We'd been very close. I knew that her behavior wasn't healthy though. I took the risk that she wouldn't talk to me again and moved out. I resisted calling her and let the cards simply fall. She visited 3 months later. 

However I also grew up with her installing a strong sense of self-worth and confidence within me, as best as she could, and encouraging that I march to the beat of my own drum. Not so long ago (and after making changes with the way I interact with her), she apologized for not being there for me growing up during her depression. 'Hell-hole' years is how she referred to them and said she wasn't mentally balanced. I told her I'd turned out alright and not to worry about it. She laughed and agreed. I expressed that I didn't have the mentors I needed at that age but it was what it was and I've dealt with that. I also recognize it was the depression; that she isn't the depression. As much as I appreciated her wanting to apologize, I didn't need it. Instead I suggested that she forgive herself and that I'm thankful she managed to pull herself through.

She became quite emotional and said she felt like a weight had been lifted to hear that. I told her it had shaped my life in certain ways. The positive is that I feel I've stepped out and embraced life, tried new things, at times been bold, not wanting to be held back by fear, anxiety or negativity, and that I've chosen some good paths for myself. She admitted that she'd been carrying guilt for years and feels she can finally let it go. I'd had no idea she was feeling that. In saying all of this, she can also be my greatest supporters and confidante and I love her to bits.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

She was ace, a little bit crackers, very devoted to knowing exactly who her children were and very full of life. I miss her deeply.

But I have always had a closer relationship with my Dad, we are far more similar.

I love them the same amount though.


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## antechomai (Oct 4, 2013)

I find it interesting I don't remember my mom for many years when I was a child, as she and my father separated for some 6 years. She went to work, and I and and 3 younger where under the wing of her mother.
But then it hit after they figured out their mess after getting back together.
She taught me many skills to hold a home together.

I go with 100% perfect mother.


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

First of all, I love my mother and wouldn't trade her for the world. 

Here is how I would describe her:


-Intelligent. She used to be a bio-technician and speaks multiple languages. She's not so much analytical to an outsider but she always seems to grasp the big picture really well. 

-Cunning/Clever. She's not manipulative, but she can easily guilt you in doing something for her. She's very business oriented. "I'll do this for you if you do this for me". Extremely good with money and thrifty. 

-Witty, Sarcastic. She seems like to crude and observational humor, much like me. 

-Tough. My mother is not the mushy "I love you aww let me hug you" type of woman. When I say she's ruthless, I mean she believes in what you reap you sow. One could argue she lacks emotional intelligence but I believe it's the complete opposite. She's extremely intelligent from an emotional perspective and stands her feet firm on the ground. 

-Perfectionist. "There is always a right and wrong way to do things." It's tough for me to open up and talk to her without being judged so I have learned to be careful with my words. 

-She doesn't have too many hobbies. She likes working on the house ( very good with planning and building), gardening, sowing/quilting and reading. 

-She cares a lot and is very deliberate with her actions. She is the master of the silent treatment. 

-She's not one to gossip nor a barbie (she doesn't get sucked into the mass marketing and media hype). She wears makeup and dresses very nice for someone her age, but yeah, I rarely see her "doll up". 

-She's a no pain no gain type of gal and works very very hard. 

Maybe it's just the fact that she is European (Yes I believe some stereotypes are accurate) but she reminds me of the way mothers used to (and dare I say should) be. Strong, family oriented, doesn't take **** from kids, disciplined. She's not an abuser but I think her conservative side agrees with some form fear-based learning. 

Anyways, that's her in a nutshell.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

My mother was usually angry and cold. She was easy enough to get along with most of the time, just had to stay away from her. 

Unless she was trying to kill us. Then she was terrifying. 


I actually have a pretty good relationship with her today though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

My mother was a physical and mental abuser. She even allowed her boyfriends to "discipline" us - which included being on our knees in a corner on a hard floor with rice under us...until we were bleeding. 

She was also a drug addict...and alcoholic. 

She is nasty human being and I can't wait for her to pass on.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

staarz21 said:


> My mother was a physical and mental abuser. She even allowed her boyfriends to "discipline" us - which including being on our knees in a corner on a hard floor with rice under us...until we were bleeding.
> 
> She was also a drug addict...and alcoholic.
> 
> She is nasty human being and I can't wait for her to pass on.


That is so sad, staarz. I am so sorry.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Crap. Had a post but didn't see this was the ladies lounge on my phone. Sorry ladies, carry on.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

My mother wasn't very "motherly", and when I was in my teens, she would fight with me quite a lot. I absolutely hated weekends. She also would complain about me when my dad got home and my dad would give me the treatment. We keep in touch though and I call her every 2 weeks. But old scars never go away. Her bossy attitude is probably why it sets me off when other women are that way. My wife is like that sometimes and it riles me up.

How your mother treats you in childhood influences how you view/treat women later in life. I was always suspicious that they were trying to control me and many times overdid the self-protection part.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Cold distant self involved bitter angry martyr complex-ed narcissist. My mother hit me one time in my life. Knocked me out cold. I was 7.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I have so avoided this thread... On one hand I didn't want to remember the bad and on the other hand I didn't want to read about the great mothers because both hurt. Still...


My mother was stunning and still is. She is very intelligent, hard working, extremely organized, extremely domesticated and could give Martha Stewart a serious run for her money, yet worked full time, perfectionist, fantastic cook. BUT....


She was and is ruthless. What was so destructive about her was she could be sugary sweet, but then launch into a level of viciousness that sent me reeling. Thus why boundaries were such an issue for me. She would be so sweet and loving only to rip me to shreds. Took me years to understand what was happening. All the abuses were there, emotional, verbal, psychological, physical from her and my step dad. She used him like a weapon with me. Her abuse has run far into my adulthood and I finally stood up to her in 2009 after having my own child. I was 39.  The hardest abuse to pin down was the psychological/emotional. She was SO stealthy about it and ALWAYS feigns innocence that it truly took a team around me to figure it out. The critical break came when a counselor of mine dubbed her a malignant narcissist after having a visceral reaction to a story I had just told him. Though she is gorgeous and gifted, she is extremely broken and has created a wake of destruction in her path. I have struggled hard not to repeat her mistakes. Breaking free from her destruction has taught me life lessons I choose to share with others to help them to do the same.


I don't have the heart to go into details for now. Just don't want to go there right now...


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> How did your mother's attitude and personality shape your life?


There are many good and bad points to my mom. She is a very intelligent, kind woman who tends to always put others first. She highly valued education with a Masters degree herself, but was a SAHM until I went to elementary school. She was a very involved mother and never followed gender stereotypes(brothers learned to cook/clean, I was taught "manly" chores/DIY). She valued experiences over things and I followed that viewpoint. On the other hand though, she was very judgmental and superficial. I always felt ugly by her standards and never felt safe opening up to her, as she could not keep secrets. She told her sisters and friends some private info that should have stayed between us. She would joke that I was adopted since I was the only one who had blonde hair(grandma does too though), which bugged me. Overall, I though she was a good mom though. We don't see eye to eye on a whole lot, but we get along and she's a good grandma to my son.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Incredibly strong willed and hard working. Independent. Not sentimental much at all. Held family close, everyone else in the world could burn. Slow to forgive family, never forgives anyone else. 

Unfortunately jaded and somewhat distant and tortured. She was basically enslaved in her childhood on the family farm and beaten often (with boards) for the smallest miss steps. She did not pass that abuse down, but did have a hard cruel edge to her when it came to discipline.

I could always count on her to cover my physical needs, but emotional needs never really mattered to her. I think her view was to be strong enough to handle anything and it did not matter what you felt. I think that is how she got through her childhood without being outright crazy but not without some emotional damage. And I think she tried to pass that same attitude down. Sort of like we where being prepared emotionally for an apocalypse that never happened and in retrospect, was never likely to happen, but was born of her own sense of loss, pessimism, and the emotional poverty of her own childhood. 

I love her dearly though and would do anything for her. She has been through so much and has worked so hard. I do what I can to be a good son and keep to myself any flaws that I find diminish in my mind when I think what she has done for me and what she means to me.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

My Mom passed away 6-10-20-10 me & my 2 brothers knew she killed our Dad, But we kept her secret until she was gone. I was 5 years old. They had an argument & my Dad said he was going to leave her. She took us kids & went to spend the night at her sisters. That night our house burned with our Dad in the bed asleep. He was 27 years old.

She was insanely jealous to the point she couldn't stand for him to give me any kind of affection. Me being a girl made it worse for me than my brothers. When I was a few months old. She had me in the bathtub with her. She screamed & my Dad ran in. I was floating face down. She said I was slippery & she couldn't get a hold of me. He grabbed me & done CPR & got me to breathing again.

When I was 3 I ACCIDENTALLY had boiling tea with sugar in it pored on me. I had 3rd degree burns from the neck down. I was in ICU for 3 weeks. It's amazing the only scar I have is where the waist band of my shorts burned into my skin. I could write a book on all the torture I suffered, But you get the picture.

After my Dad died she became an alcoholic. I became the one that had to take care of her & my brothers. By the time I was 10 I could pull a chair up to the stove & cook any kind of meal you wanted. I took care of her until the day she died. All I ever wanted was for her to Love me. In the end I believe she did.

She went into a recovery program & got clean. The last 6 months of her life she thanked me for sticking by her after all she had put me through & finally acknowledged what she had done to me & apologized. This is the first time I've said this out loud to anyone other than my brothers. Not sure how that makes me feel, But when I saw this tread I felt the need to finally tell someone.

In a way I guess she made me a better person. I made a vow to not be anything like her. I've never been A jealous person, I doted on my son & took pride in the fact that his Dad did the same. I don't regret being there for her until the end. She was my Mother & I always Loved her no matter what.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Maybe I should do a posthumous "how was your mother in law like"..... That would explain a lot


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

A Hooker. Literally.

Foster mother was the spawn of Satan.

my childhood pretty much sucked.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> Pretty similar to SA. I didn't have a dad to go to but I went to my grandparents once.
> 
> I learned terrible things from her and I was shaped into a terrifying young man by the experiences endured.
> 
> ...


That's interesting. What signs do you look for?


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