# An awful new marriage



## Just a tired Marine (Sep 25, 2012)

Hey everyone. I'm new to this site and still trying to get the hang of things. I'm a Marine that recently return from a tour in Afghanistan. I married my wife 8 months before the deployment (we have been married for 19 months now). I have been dating her for almost 7 years now. The things is, I found out she was cheating on me while I was gone and I don't know how to confront her about it. I found out after I got injured and was sent to Germany to recover. While in Germany I called a close friend of mine which informed me about my wife. He said that he went out on a date with his girlfriend at the Universal City Walk (for those who don't know, City Walk is where Universal Studios Hollywood is at and it's a popular place for dates) and saw my wife with another man leaving the movie theater. As they (my wife and the unidentified man) walk out, they kissed each other. Later, I call my sister and find out that she had gone to visit my wife and heard moaning coming from the house. My sister left, shocked knowing that I was not in there with my wife. My question is, what do I do now? Thank you in advance.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Start digging through her computer and phone. Find what evidence you can and then sit her down and ask her if she is having an affair. She will probably lie until she realizes that you have proof. Let us know what happens and then we will advise you from there.

On a side note, I cannot stand women that cheat on our soldiers. It takes a special woman to be a warriors wife.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

I am so sorry for what you must be going through.

How do you confront? You need to prepare. Detach. Assuming that you believe what you heard from others, you do need to detach your emotions from your thought processes. You do this so that whatever she says to you, you won't do anything you'll regret. Prepare for the worst.

What do you want? Do you want to R (reconcile) or do you want a D (divorce)? Before you even speak to her, know what your "deal breaker" is in your marriage. Be prepared to act upon your decision. First of all, it's what YOU want, and not what SHE wants.

You will get great advise here.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Also, do you have kids?


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## Just a tired Marine (Sep 25, 2012)

I don't have any kids or any on the way. As of now, if everything I know (thus far) is true, I will most definitely divorce her. If she did this during my time of need, I can't imagine what else she has done or will do.


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## Exsquid (Jul 31, 2012)

Evidence, evidence, evidence. If you are a firm believer in what she did is the end all be all for your marriage. Collect as much information as you need to present to the court. If you don't have many marital assets, don't worry about the evidence for court. Just collect all the information you need to make the correct decision in your mind.

It's sounds like she has cheated on you. I am not sure how long you have been in the know but I assure you it will take some time before you really come to grips with what has occurred. I know fro experience that when we find out about our cheating wives we men have a tendency to not want to believe the facts of what we are hearing at first. Once you have proof, take some time for yourself and begin to sort things out in your head.

I am sorry you are here. Just do your best to listen to the advise from the more seasoned members of this forum. There are a lot of very intelligent, well informed people on here. I am not sure I could have gotten as far as I have without the support of these good folks.

I would recommend an ICC if things become too much to handle. You like so many of us are at the beginning of the most traumatic event in our lives. Do yourself right. Take care of your self and make sure you get all the information you need.


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## Just a tired Marine (Sep 25, 2012)

I figured that evidence is key to this (otherwise its just a rumor). I have noticed a few changes. The problem is that it can be dismissed as a coincidence. For instance, she has new "sexy" clothing that she didn't have before. But she claims that it was a surprise for when I got back. Her hair is a different color, which is weird because she never dyes her hair. The biggest give away is that all of our pictures have been taken down (and by "OUR" I mean pictures of both of us together) from the wall. I'm at home now and she left her phone here. I have checked for calls or text messages but nothing has came up. But that might be the case because it seems that she just recently deleted all calls and text messages. I'm going to check her email and her laptop. Maybe I'll find something there.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Go online and check the phone records. If you have detailed billing you can see the numbers she has been calling by time of day. Sorry you are here


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## Just a tired Marine (Sep 25, 2012)

I didn't think about that. It's time to pay the phone bill anyway. Might has well download the call records. Thanks for the tip.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Good luck. 

Most importantly. Thank you for your sacrifice for us and our country. 

I feel for you. Trust is something that is key to any relationship, but for a soldier on deployment...I can't even begin to fathom. I'm truly sorry.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

My heart and sorrow goes out to you. You deserved so much more and did not have any of this coming.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I suggest you leave her in the dark, get all your ducks in a row, make a plan and work the plan. 
The way I see it she left you in the dark, so why not rturn the favor. 

maybe your plan could consist of you waiting for a girls night out back your thing and leave with out a word, on the exact same time she gets served divorce papers.

This senerio works good if there are no kids and you have very little assets together. It is also possibly that now that you are back she has cooled it off or even stop her affair and you may never get any proof and alls you will get is lies and deniel.. 

Why deal with that crap when you can just bail and leave her in the dark.




On the other hand she maybe continuing the affair, are ther any red flags since you have been back? If she is going out alot and is keeping her cell phone close at all times and you have unexplained times were she is unacountable then you may elect to get the evidience and go nuclear.

By going nuclear you have enough recon info to expose the affair to the OM wife/girl friend, family and friends. with the right evidence you can expose it to her family also.

I'm sure you love her or maybe you did and this deal breaker is just to much and all the foot work to gather proof is not worth it.

So before you confron deside if you want this marriage or not.

Again there is a good chance that your WW stop when you got back...but maybe not. So last question ...is there enough red flags to go James bond On her @ss and gather the proof?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Btw thanks for your service...if it wasn't for you I would be dealing with jadji at my front door!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Get yourself tested for STDs. Dig into the cell phone records. Look at phone calls, the numbers she called regularly, any odd times like late at night or early morning. Anything out of normal. Texting patterns and quantity. Emails. Browser history.

Do you trust the people who told you? Are they rock solid witnesses and loyal to you? No conflict of interest or possible other agendas in those people?

If you find them 100% believable, you can make your decision without further evidence. You don't have to prove anything to anybody with CSI level evidence. You just have to prove to yourself that you know she violated your limits.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

we all know she had an affair, and the picture deal seems hard to explain, but the big question is it still going on?

What was her reason for taking down the pics?

Has she been responsive when you came home, or was she all good for a few days and is now being distant.

Thats the thing with this adultory, its adddicting so there is a good chance its still going on.


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## Just a tired Marine (Sep 25, 2012)

Actually, you have a good point. I can't account for my wife when I work. There are some days that have a 42 hour work day. During my working time, I usually don't call home as I am to pre-occupied with the task at hand. There are also times where she does go out. The thing is, she is gone for 5,6,7 hours at a time. That is a bit excessive for anyone, especially for a married woman. This also bothers me because I have been back for almost a month and we spend a few hours together. I have seen my friends and the rest of my family more than I have seen my wife. The crazy thing is that I live with her.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Just a tired Marine said:


> I figured that evidence is key to this (otherwise its just a rumor). I have noticed a few changes. The problem is that it can be dismissed as a coincidence. For instance, she has new "sexy" clothing that she didn't have before. But she claims that it was a surprise for when I got back. Her hair is a different color, which is weird because she never dyes her hair.


Yeah, there is always a tiny 1 in a billion chance on almost anything other than catching her in the act yourself. It can be maddening, and it puts you in limbo. BTDT. You keep looking for the smoking gun, but when you find it there are no fingerprints on it. So then you look for the irrefutable proof, which puts you further out into the limbo loop. And she cannot prove she did *not* stray.

I think it a better approach to first really think about your own limits and requirements. What is the line in the sand for you where you would D? At the other end of the spectrum, what are your needs and requirements in a wife?

If you don't have limits, you will let things get stretched with each new red flag. If you don't know what you want and need, you'll let her get away with poor behavior (whether or not she has strayed).


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

I am glad you found this site, but sad that you had a reason to.

Things that may seem to be a coincidence may actually be your intuition kicking in, and not a coincidence at all....I agree with trying to find as much evidence as you can before you confront her. Be prepared for the answer. Whether it's the painful truth, a trickle truth, or a blatant lie. You never know what to expect. 

Keep posting here. You'll get a lot of good feedback and advice from this group. A little community that none of us ever wanted to be a part of. 

Thank you, for your time, sacrifice and service to our country. 

You deserved a helluva lot better homecoming than this..


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I am sending you a big hug and ***** slapping your wife!!!


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## Just a tired Marine (Sep 25, 2012)

It might be my intuition or just denial playing its part. Either way, it really sucks having to come home to this. I will divorce her if everything happens to be true. I'm just trying to have a peaceful time at home, but I can't with all of this happening. My sources are very loyal. They have no need to lie. They actually liked my wife, until what they saw/heard.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I am a BS and it is never easy for any of us. I will tell you that my FWH is working with me on reconciliation. But you both have to be willing. Like I said earlier, gather your evidence and confront. Then come back and we will walk you through the rest.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya deniel suck I went for years, while my old lady screwed around.

IDK man 19 month of marriage...........

It might be time to take a break for a few days and get away. this might even give you a chance to but a plan together. You know a time away to do some real thinking with out your adultorous wife in your ear.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

the guy said:


> we all know she had an affair, and the picture deal seems hard to explain, but the big question is it still going on?
> 
> What was her reason for taking down the pics?
> 
> ...


Well, you are going to cheat on your spouse, would you want their image looking down on you?

By the way, evidence of moaning is not evidence of an affair. She could have been by herself, if you see what I mean.

However, kissing someone else? If they are 100% certain it was her, that's a very big red flag.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If you do take a break, make sure you have another plan in place to follow your wife....maybe find the dough to hire a PI.

Hell let a pro deal with this crap while you hang at the beach and throw down some beer. Maybe head down to San Diego for the day, spend the night and head home....just don't have a revenge affair they don't work! 

Have you told your command? Its a good resource for some help with the emotional pain.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> Well, you are going to cheat on your spouse, would you want their image looking down on you?
> 
> By the way, evidence of moaning is not evidence of an affair. She could have been by herself, if you see what I mean.
> 
> However, kissing someone else? If they are 100% certain it was her, that's a very big red flag.


MM....dude I'm asking OP what his WW had to say about it...she doesn't know he knows yet!!!!

What you think I'm stupid just cuz I can't spell


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Put a key logger on your home computer


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> Well, you are going to cheat on your spouse, would you want their image looking down on you?
> 
> By the way, evidence of moaning is not evidence of an affair. She could have been by herself, if you see what I mean.
> 
> However, kissing someone else? If they are 100% certain it was her, that's a very big red flag.


One more thing brother, the hair dye, the sexy cloths...what the hell does she have to show off for when her man is off working.

I mean his peeps know something was up, I'd think they would make damb sure before they said any thing.

I would ask the sister if there was just moaning or was there grunting also.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

If you trust your sources, then save yourself the trouble and just walk.
Don't say anything beyond "I want a D".
If she argue, then you say, go live with that pos you f******. 

Then walk.

Your sister heard her. Youir friend saw her. Case closed.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I have the utmost contempt for cheating spouses of our deployed service men (and women). 

All the red flags are there and you cannot discount the evidence from your friend and your sister.

To get confirmation you are going to have to find some electronic evidence or at least find a name. Then you can confront her if that is what you want to do or just go straight for divorce.

I would advice you not to let this linger too long.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

the guy said:


> MM....dude I'm asking OP what his WW had to say about it...she doesn't know he knows yet!!!!
> 
> What you think I'm stupid just cuz I can't spell


I can't spell, this is why I use Firefox with the spell checker add-on!:rofl:


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

OldWolf57 said:


> If you trust your sources, then save yourself the trouble and just walk.
> Don't say anything beyond "I want a D".
> If she argue, then you say, go live with that pos you f******.
> 
> ...


Don't forget the pics off the wall, the sexy cloths and the long amount of time away from home.

She is still sleeping with this guy, it should be a honeymoon after a tour and your chick isn't around. 

What was she like the day you came home? I mean you knew what was going on so if she was cold did you except it, or was she blowing smoke and being all lovey dovey?

Ask command for some time off, and tell your WW you got another 42 hour shift and then seee what happens.

The nice thing about gathering evidence is when you do bail you can do the damage control by exposing the affair for what it is to her family and even the OM family.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

the guy said:


> One more thing brother, the hair dye, the sexy cloths...what the hell does she have to show off for when her man is off working.
> 
> I mean his peeps know something was up, I'd think they would make damb sure before they said any thing.
> 
> I would ask the sister if there was just moaning or was there grunting also.


:iagree:


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Put a GPS tracker on her car and a VAR in there as well. You will then have your answer Marine. Take it from an old E-8, cheaters love to talk in their cars and a good GPS tracker will pin point where she is. If she is not cheating it will give you peace of mind.

I would also surprise her. I would go talk to the chaplain and get some advice as well and while you see him go to JAG and start getting legal advice.

Get your ducks in a row and go stealth Marine, this is a special ops mission, don't show your hand.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Just a tired Marine said:


> I figured that evidence is key to this (otherwise its just a rumor). I have noticed a few changes. The problem is that it can be dismissed as a coincidence. For instance, she has new "sexy" clothing that she didn't have before. But she claims that it was a surprise for when I got back. Her hair is a different color, which is weird because she never dyes her hair. *The biggest give away is that all of our pictures have been taken down (and by "OUR" I mean pictures of both of us together) from the wall.* I'm at home now and she left her phone here. I have checked for calls or text messages but nothing has came up. But that might be the case because it seems that she just recently deleted all calls and text messages. I'm going to check her email and her laptop. Maybe I'll find something there.





Did she ever give you an explanation for that? Otherwise, you of course know what that means.

And maybe she has a "burner" phone and left her cell phone there on purpose because she had already switched her info to the "burner".

You see, she had time to anticipate your arrival back, so she may have removed most of the evidence. But the pictures. Lack of "family" pictures with you. She had to have removed them, but forgot to put them back? And the clothes. She brought some nice sexy clothes "for you"? Has she worn them for you yet? How was she when you got home?

Sadly, I think your instincts are correct. She is cheating. She was seen kissing OM. Your sister heard "moaning" (but not the source) except that she didn't knock. Your sister knew something was going on in there.

I don't know how much more evidence you need to begin the confrontation and the visit to the lawyer.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> Put a GPS tracker on her car and a VAR in there as well. You will then have your answer Marine. Take it from an old E-8, cheaters love to talk in their cars and a good GPS tracker will pin point where she is. If she is not cheating it will give you peace of mind.
> 
> I would also surprise her. I would go talk to the chaplain and get some advice as well and while you see him go to JAG and start getting legal advice.
> 
> Get your ducks in a row and go stealth Marine, this is a special ops mission, don't show your hand.


Good mission plan here,

Also - does she work? If so, do you know any of her co-workers? Maybe a little subtle conversations with them might expose a few things. If it is a co-worker - work place affairs are usually common knowledge around the office.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

There is one other tactic that could backfire. You have the dates and times of two incidents. You could bluff that you know more and that you have solid evidence that she was followed and someone was even in the house and saw her with the OM in the act. Don't reveal your sources, ever. But many cheaters (like my wife) will lie even if you have solid proof. So it may not work.


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## Just a tired Marine (Sep 25, 2012)

Hey guys, thanks for the advise. I have been searching her emails for the past hour or so and came across some evidence. But before I get to that, I would like to answer some of the posts. The whole "moaning" can be debunked as herself and no other man, since there was no actual witness of an act. She does not work. She stays home doing whatever it is that she does (usually, family would come over or she would run errands needed for the house). As for the missing pictures, she claims that she was cleaning and forgot to put them back (again, could be true or can be evidence). Now, some of the evidence. I have found several emails regarding to meeting up at certain places (most of which are public places) and a few emails regarding to meeting up at the "OM" home. The emails have an emotional feel to it. Like if she actually cares for this guy, not in a friend way. One email in particular states a night in which they actually sleep with each other. I don't know why she would do this to me. Maybe she needed attention while I was away. Two things are constant with all of the emails: 1) it's the same guy and 2) they were written and sent while I was gone. I was gone for 10 months but the emails date as far as 8 months. So this started approximately 2 months after my departure. I don't know what to tell my family. I honestly feel embarrassed this all happened. Like if I'm inadequate to love a person to the point where said person needs to find affection somewhere else. But why didn't she just end the relationship? What do I do know? One thing is for sure. I am going to file for divorce.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

So, if you are saying that you will divorce for this, you have had a good buddy (hang on to that guy) tell you she is cheating on you, your own sister hearing porn radio in your house, what exactly are you still *****footing around the situation? She has taken all your photos down (WTF, you were deployed in a warzone, a real wife would do the opposite). 

Are you unsure about your friend and your own sister?


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## Just a tired Marine (Sep 25, 2012)

No, I'm unsure as to what I do with her. How do I confront her without actually blowing up? I don't want to overreact, although she does deserve it.


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## Just a tired Marine (Sep 25, 2012)

You know what, I'm just going dump all her **** out on the street. She deserves it. I'm tired of all this crap. I just want to relax after having a hard time the past year.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Just a tired Marine said:


> No, I'm unsure as to what I do with her. How do I confront her without actually blowing up? I don't want to overreact, although she does deserve it.


You can do it differently. Read about a guy here in the forum that just went dark on his wife and just left the divorce papers with copies of emails his wife had sent to another guy. Don't remember the name but i'm sure someone will. He just left and stopped all communication. Worked pretty well for him.

If you do confront, maybe you should have someone around who can stop you from going ballistic. Maybe your sister?


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Just a tired Marine said:


> You know what, I'm just going dump all her **** out on the street. She deserves it. I'm tired of all this crap. I just want to relax after having a hard time the past year.


Yeah, that would work too...


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Just a tired Marine said:


> Hey guys, thanks for the advise. I have been searching her emails for the past hour or so and came across some evidence. But before I get to that, I would like to answer some of the posts. The whole "moaning" can be debunked as herself and no other man, since there was no actual witness of an act. She does not work. She stays home doing whatever it is that she does (usually, family would come over or she would run errands needed for the house). As for the missing pictures, she claims that she was cleaning and forgot to put them back (again, could be true or can be evidence). Now, some of the evidence. I have found several emails regarding to meeting up at certain places (most of which are public places) and a few emails regarding to meeting up at the "OM" home. The emails have an emotional feel to it. Like if she actually cares for this guy, not in a friend way. One email in particular states a night in which they actually sleep with each other. I don't know why she would do this to me. Maybe she needed attention while I was away. Two things are constant with all of the emails: 1) it's the same guy and 2) they were written and sent while I was gone. I was gone for 10 months but the emails date as far as 8 months. So this started approximately 2 months after my departure. I don't know what to tell my family. I honestly feel embarrassed this all happened. Like if I'm inadequate to love a person to the point where said person needs to find affection somewhere else. But why didn't she just end the relationship? What do I do know? One thing is for sure. I am going to file for divorce.


Two things: First Secure the emails. If you confront her with them, save a set for your attorney.

The Second thing is this. This is not, in any way, your fault. Her affair is entirely on her. You are not inadequate; she is. Please don't blame yourself. You are the victim of a cheater. A cheater will cheat whether you are loving or cruel, near or far, rich or poor. Doesn't matter. Not your fault. You will find someone to love in your future, someone who will appreciate you. And be thankful that you had no children with this woman.


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

Just a tired Marine said:


> You know what, I'm just going dump all her **** out on the street. She deserves it. I'm tired of all this crap. I just want to relax after having a hard time the past year.


No mater what you do, it will be an emotional rollercoaster for a while. 

Are you able to just calm yourself to the point where, when you see her next, you can sit down and just ask her if she has anything to tell you? And then feed her bits of it, to get the answers? She may lie, she may not; but you might need the answers one way or another to move on - whether you divorce or not. 

And it's ok to get mad! It's good to get mad. But, if you're afraid you will get physical - then definitely get someone there. You don't want to find relaxation in a jail cell.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Chill. Honestly. Don't throw her stuff out. Most of us know how you feel. On Nov. 29th 2011 (my D-day) I was living in another city. It was raining and it took me 3 hours to get home. Had I been working at my previous location, I would have been about 8 miles away where they were going to have sex in my wife's SUV and I am here to tell you that there would have been two dead bodies in that Amish church parking lot that night. I at least had time to talk to guys i served in Iraq with, friends, family and I was in a bad place and they had three hours to talk me down.

Don't cause more problems by creating a legal mess for yourself. Go talk to someone, the chaplain or JAG. Do it now Marine. You are heading for trouble if you don't. You have the resources right where you are at and you need to avail yourself to those resources. Don't think of how to tell your friends or family, that is not your concern right now. 

Go to the chaplain or to JAG.


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## aeg512 (Mar 22, 2011)

You should not look at what the friend said that saw the two coming out of the movie and kissing as a rumor. They saw it first hand and relayed it to you. Also, what your sister said about the moaning coming from your residence does not mean it was your wife, however, your wife would need to be able to explain who was doing the moaning to say it was not her. Have you got the phone records? If so, all of this together needs some explaining from your wife.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Don't lose your temper. Take some time to cool off so that you won't blow up during the confrontation. A hasty confrontation is the last thing you might want to do. Your wife will still try to convince you that it was a friendship that went a little far in your absence but nothing else happened. And then, that they kissed once and that was it. And it is your fault because you emotionally neglected her. What will you do then ? You need more evidence for a worst case scenario.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> And then, that they kissed once and that was it.


Only a braindead guy would believe that though...


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> By the way, evidence of moaning is not evidence of an affair. She could have been by herself, if you see what I mean.


Having been in basically a sexless marriage, I learned how to improvise and please myself. However, I never moaned in uncontrollable ecstasy or screamed 'who's your daddy' while doing so. :lol:


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## MrDude (Jun 21, 2010)

Hey Marine, 
Like Thorburn said go talk to the chaplain or JAG for starters.

You need to approach this with as much of a cool head as you can. Remember your training and use BAMCIS (OK, maybe doesn't fit exactly, but you get the idea).

I'm a gulf war Marine myself so if you need anything feel free to PM me.


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## Just a tired Marine (Sep 25, 2012)

Thanks. I'm going to go talk to the Chaplain. It seems like the best idea right now.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Well, you are going to cheat on your spouse, would you want their image looking down on you?


Thread drift alert: When you plug the iPod into the stereo for a romantic evening, be sure to de-select songs performed by your daughter! Major buzz kill (One of my daughters has a couple of CDs out).


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Please wait and get a VAR 1st you need to protect your self from false acusations.

Trowing bher crap out is not a bad idea but when the cops show she will say you went cray on her and threated her while you throw her stuff. 

The cops will have no eveidenve that she wasn't even home when you did it. From a cop point of view the evidecne he sees point to what your WW is telling them.

An another thing forwrd the emails to your email so you have copies, also send the emails to her family. 

Brother you need to protect your self and prepare for damage control.

VAR and forward the evidence!!!!!!!!!

Call the cops and let them know your wife has abandoned you and you are butting her thing out side. AGAIN DAMAGE CONTROL!!!!

Warning the cop ahead of time will help make sure you get the desk sargent name and give it to the cop that shows up.

If there is a women cop you screwed do matter what.

One more thing if the cops make you leave make sure your stuff is safe....when you come back your place will be trashed and all your stuff will be gone...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thank God...

I'm all for throwing her crap out on the curb but you need to plan..lock up your stuff by getting it over to a buddies. 

You can really slap ww with a dose of reality and screw her over if you make a plan and work the plan.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The moaning says she brought the OM home. The pictures probably came off the walls not because the wife didn't want to see them, but because she's lying to the OM; she probably knows that the OM wouldn't want an angry marine husband coming after him.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Save the damb emails!!!!!!!!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

alte Dame said:


> The moaning says she brought the OM home. The pictures probably came off the walls not because the wife didn't want to see them, but because she's lying to the OM; she probably knows that the OM wouldn't want an angry marine husband coming after him.


hence the reason to save the proof and find out who OM is and expose this to him and his family. 

WW will be left without a husband and a boy friend.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You have been married 1 1/2 years and she's cheating on you already. For a brand new marriage, this is pathetic.

Your marriage is so young. She should still be deeply into you. And yet, she's not.

Dont stay with her. You'll never know what she'll be doing when you are away. You'll never have trust in her again. You'll never want to be in the position to raise another man's child.

Look into getting an annulment or a divorce now. Otherwise you'll have decades of heartache, pain and turmoil if you stay with an unfaithful wife.

Remove her from any joint banking account, credit cards, life insurance, etc. Do not have joint loans with her.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Just a tired Marine said:


> She stays home doing whatever it is that she does (usually, family would come over or she would run errands needed for the house).


Marine, thanks for your service. Hoorah!

You provided a good life for your wife so that she could stay at home and do nothing and this is how she repays you? Like many of us, you probably put her on a pedestal and treated her like a princess.

So sorry that you're here. It doesn't seem like it but things will get better over time.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Make sure you print out copies of the emails. Have copies of all your other evidence.

Take a copy of every evidence you have. Have them stored away from the house, somewhere safe. You dont want her finding them and destroying them.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Having been in basically a sexless marriage, I learned how to improvise and please myself. However, I never moaned in uncontrollable ecstasy or screamed *'who's your daddy' *Do people actually do that?:scratchhead:while doing so. :lol:


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Have you gone through her facebook messages. Not wall posts but the actual private messages. people feel safer using that since it can be used anywhere and, unless you have direct access to the account no one can see the messages.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I don't know what to tell my family. 

*Tell them the truth. It is hard enough for you to come home after serving your country to this. You need to stay open and have support from as many people as possible. FYI my sister is in the Air Force and says this happens all the time. Check to see if there is a support group on base. And remember we are here also.*

I honestly feel embarrassed this all happened. Like if I'm inadequate to love a person to the point where said person needs to find affection somewhere else. 

*If it makes you feel any better, my FWH said it wasn't about me. Short of the living like roommates due to my job. Guess what....It isn't about you either. She is broken. She is not built to be a WARRIOR's wife. Most cheaters are just selfish people, I would say she is even more so. How could she do this to you when you needed her more.*

But why didn't she just end the relationship? 

*I asked my husband that too. He said he loved me.*

What do I do know? One thing is for sure. I am going to file for divorce.

*You have every right to take whatever action you deem appropriate, short of violence.*


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

JTM- thank you for your service to our country. 

I wish I had some good advice for you- but I do not. Just a shout out of support and appreciation.

WD


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

I live in a big military town, I've seen many, many, wives do exactly what yours did; it certainly isn't your fault.

You shouldn't be embarrassed, you were overseas, there's nothing you could've done to stop it.


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## Loveandpizza (Sep 8, 2012)

Just serve and keep all evidence. She will try to paint you as the bad guy and shes scared of you and such. Also if you have any joint accounts clear them out. You will probably have to give her half but better than her clearing it out because she probably will not have to. I know its not equal, women are treated much better under a law in the divorce(and other areas). You may gain some ground if you show some evidence. If you throw her stuff out or ask her questions about it she will just spin it as shes scared of you and you are abusing her. Some women prey on military men. They get to spend their finances and are free to do whatever while the husband is gone and then get rewarded for it.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Jonesey said:


> Originally Posted by Count of Monte Cristo
> Having been in basically a sexless marriage, I learned how to improvise and please myself. However, I never moaned in uncontrollable ecstasy or screamed 'who's your daddy' Do people actually do that? while doing so.


For a good laugh, google ‘Donald Duck Who’s Your Daddy’ and watch the YouTube video. (I won’t post the link because I don’t want to get banned.)


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Having been in basically a sexless marriage, I learned how to improvise and please myself. :lol:


For the first few years I was in a basically sexless marriage. A couple of my ex wife's friends showed my what it was like to be with real women. I caught on quick, went bad and stayed that way for several years. As bad as it may sound, I ain't gonna let no woman starve me to death and I just go along with it.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

JATM

Let me add a few things.

What kind of cellphone does your wife have?

Many times you can retrieve her deleted texts and messages from the PC if it is an iPhone. That evidence would be damning.

Also, before you confront find out who the OM is. You found a few emails and maybe his cell number. Look him up and find out if he is single/married, where he works, etc.

Leave nothing to chance. He might not even know your wife is married??? That tells you who your wife really is in addition to the infidelity.

No matter what, only being married for a short time you should out her to her family/friends and yours just before you confront her.

Blow her A out of the water. If she has been home very briefly this past month I think she is engaged in a very emotional/physical relationship with the OM.

Do you guys use condoms since you have been home? If not one STD check coming up.

Sorry you came home to this but get all your eggs in one basket then blow her doors off when you expose to everyone and confront her.

Good Luck and Thank you for your service.

I have been in your shoes many years ago when I came home and it sucks.

HM64


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## Just a tired Marine (Sep 25, 2012)

Hey guys. Thanks for your support and extra tips. I'm at the barracks right now with one of my Marines. I left the house after having a discussion with the soon to be ex-wife (at least I tell myself it's going to be soon, but I do know that divorce may sometimes take a while). I kind of prepared myself for such an event. I've in the Corps roughly 6 years now and seen this happen a lot. So I made sure it didn't happen to me, or at least control what I could. We had separate bank accounts and I would give her an allowance. No rent or utilities on base housing, so no need to give her any "rent/mortgage" money. All other bills were directly pulled from my account. So money is pretty much covered. As for the car, I don't know if this counts but I but it BEFORE I got married to her (paid in full). She denied everything. I didn't present her the evidence yet because I am going to save it for the divorce. The good thing is that most of my stuff is still backed  and the stuff at home she can keep. I won't have this place after the divorce (base housing only for married Marines. Once the divorce is over, I'll be moving out of the house and moving into the barracks). This really sucks, but the Chaplain was a really good idea as he gave me all the information I needed. I'll be seeing a JAG tomorrow to start the divorce. But like I said, that might take a while. Either way, I am heart broken and disappointed that this happened. But at least I know that I won't spend the rest of my life with a liar and a cheater.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

JTM, you're doing great. Hang in there. I've always had a soft spot for Marines. Maybe it was all those Gomer Pyle episodes that I watched as a kid or my ill-fated attempt to be a Marine Corps officer that got dashed on the grounds of Quantico some 30-plus years ago -- but you guys always have my utmost respect and appreciation.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You did good, the barrack aren't much better the jail but at lest you can step out and have a smoke.
You didn't do anything stupid and your not in jail. 


Is your STBXW aware that she needs to find other living arrangement or she going to milk off of military housing until she's forced to leave? Hell she's nver there anyway!

She is no longer your problem, I almost feel sorry for the OM but after all he diserve whats coming, especially if her realy knew about you. I mean he had to if he was at your house on base and .....wait would she be that bold to go to your base with OM?

Who cares right. You got the emails you know whats what and thats all that matters.


Now take a good look at what you married and the inlaws, so it doesn't happen again and you buy into another cheater.


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

I am really sorry this happened while you were serving our country. Thanks for serving.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> I kind of prepared myself for such an event. I've in the Corps roughly 6 years now and seen this happen a lot. So I made sure it didn't happen to me, or at least control what I could.


Smart man... If only more guys had this kind of smarts...


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## Just a tired Marine (Sep 25, 2012)

Hey guys, it's the day after Dday and it feels good not having to wonder if my wife is cheating now that I know. I still feel betrayed, but these feelings won't be gone for a while. I'm going to the JAG today and also going to talk to a support group here on base. On the bright side, I guess I can go to bars and talk to some girls! Lol, the drinking part is a little more appealing at the moment. If I do end up meeting a girl, I'll make sure not to date them. At least not if they are around Oceanside (the town right outside of Camp Pendleton). They are infamous for gold digging and cheating. My wife called relentlessly last night. So I turned the phone off and just just enjoy hanging out with my friends.


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## Just a tired Marine (Sep 25, 2012)

I also have a date with the Corpsman (Navy medic). I have to get checked for STDs. YAY! *sarcasm* Lol. I heard this really hurts to get checked.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Just a tired Marine said:


> My wife called relentlessly last night. So I turned the phone off and just just enjoy hanging out with my friends.


Nothing like seeing your meal ticket flying out the window. Now, she might have to work for a living.


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## Just a tired Marine (Sep 25, 2012)

Haha. It's about time! She was lucky I was so lenient when it came to work. Now she might have to get a job or just live off of some other guy. I'll just enjoy my new freedom. Yeah, I won't have my companion. But who would want a companion like that right? I'm all about loyalty. Loyalty is the one thing I admire. Without loyalty there can be no love, friendship, trust and peace.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

This crap is like a death in the family....ya a death of a marriage, but just like in death we mourn and grieve for a few and then we go on living your lives with happier adventure and experinces, sure there will be bumbs in the road ahead but thats to be expected.

When you do meet up with your STBXW to finalize the divorce be prepared for the blames shifting and gaslighting and the the "you we're never around and "the just friends" crap.

Thats when you hand her the emails and walk away. 

You weren't to clear on how you confronted her so I'm assuming you didn't reveal your souces and your STBXW think you don't have the proof???

Is it correct to assume that you just accused her and didn't tell her you had proof since you stated "she denied everything"??


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Just a tired Marine said:


> *Without loyalty there can be no love, friendship, trust and peace.*


:iagree:

This should be the mantra for all betrayed spouses (and just about anyone.)


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Just a tired Marine said:


> Haha. It's about time! She was lucky I was so lenient when it came to work. Now she might have to get a job or just live off of some other guy. I'll just enjoy my new freedom. Yeah, I won't have my companion. But who would want a companion like that right? I'm all about loyalty. Loyalty is the one thing I admire. Without loyalty there can be no love, friendship, trust and peace.


You Sir have handled the situation as well as anyone I have heard of. Stay strong. There are loyal honest women out there - some where - I think - at least I hope so.

I would not get too involved with any other woman until you are at least legally separated and the divorce is in progress.

Just go easy on the alcohol.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Just a tired Marine said:


> I also have a date with the Corpsman (Navy medic). I have to get checked for STDs. YAY! *sarcasm* Lol. I heard this really hurts to get checked.


Better to hurt than have the corpsman be really soft and caring...


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## Just a tired Marine (Sep 25, 2012)

The confrontation was unpleasant, but not as bad as I thought it would be. I'm the divorce is going to be a different story. She was accusing ME OF CHEATING! Saying that it was my guilt that made me believe that she was cheating. Then she proceeded to call my "sources" liars (I didn't tell her who informed me of her actions). I also didn't present her any evidence. I'm saving that for the divorce. She then proceeded with a lot of yelling. I just left the house. Called her later and informed her that I WILL be filing for divorce and that she should start looking for a new place to live. She then asked for money. I gave her $100 and told her to use it wisely. The next time she gets money from me is after the divorce in which the court will order the amount she gets, if she is even that lucky. But I'm sure it's going to happen. California tends to favor women during divorces. As for getting involved with another woman, I don't plan on it. Sure, I'll make friends. But I'll keep it that way until after the divorce. Even then, I might not re-marry until I am 100% sure this wont happen again. I also got my "bore punched" if you catch my drift. It was not a pleasant experience at BAS (Battalion Aid Station). I'm just waiting for the JAG then I'm checking out on Leave (which means vacation in military jargon). I was granted a week to pull myself together before going back to work.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Ok, JATM, do you have enough evidence for the court ?And is it undeniable evidence ?


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## Just a tired Marine (Sep 25, 2012)

Probably not. I have emails that state the OM and my wife are going to meet at a certain place or emails from her to him stating that the sex was incredible (not actuals words but you get the idea). I pulled her call records and got a number that was called or calling almost everyday at all hours of the day. Some of those conversations went on for 2 hours. I haven't called or text this number. So I'm not sure if its even him. I might have to do that. I also have what my friend and sister told me, but I'm guessing that wont really help.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Just a tired Marine said:


> The confrontation was unpleasant, but not as bad as I thought it would be. I'm the divorce is going to be a different story. She was accusing ME OF CHEATING! Saying that it was my guilt that made me believe that she was cheating. Then she proceeded to call my "sources" liars (I didn't tell her who informed me of her actions). I also didn't present her any evidence. I'm saving that for the divorce. She then proceeded with a lot of yelling. I just left the house. Called her later and informed her that I WILL be filing for divorce and that she should start looking for a new place to live. She then asked for money. I gave her $100 and told her to use it wisely. The next time she gets money from me is after the divorce in which the court will order the amount she gets, if she is even that lucky. But I'm sure it's going to happen. California tends to favor women during divorces. As for getting involved with another woman, I don't plan on it. Sure, I'll make friends. But I'll keep it that way until after the divorce. Even then, I might not re-marry until I am 100% sure this wont happen again. I also got my "bore punched" if you catch my drift. It was not a pleasant experience at BAS (Battalion Aid Station). I'm just waiting for the JAG then I'm checking out on Leave (which means vacation in military jargon). I was granted a week to pull myself together before going back to work.


She accused you of cheating. That's called "blame-shifting". She was hoping you would get defensive about your behavior and stop looking toward HER behavior. A classic "misdirection".

Yes, sometimes Courts do favor women, but they also favor Marines  You are to be respected for your service and, while you were away serving your Country, your WW was cheating. I don't think you have to worry any about the Court favoring this particular woman.

Once her shock wears off, she'll probably try to get more money from you. She will flirt, she will cry, she may even throw a tantrum and blame-shift again. She will toss out empty threats. Be ready. Stay strong. You will survive this.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Just a tired Marine said:


> Probably not. I have emails that state the OM and my wife are going to meet at a certain place or emails from her to him stating that the sex was incredible (not actuals words but you get the idea). I pulled her call records and got a number that was called or calling almost everyday at all hours of the day. Some of those conversations went on for 2 hours. I haven't called or text this number. So I'm not sure if its even him. I might have to do that. I also have what my friend and sister told me, but I'm guessing that wont really help.


You only need two things. Inclination and Opportunity. The emails are evidence of "Inclination". While you were away, she had "Opportunity". You don't need a video of a sex act to prove infidelity. The evidence you have is enough for a "reasonable person" to believe that she was cheating on you. You can make your accusation with confidence. Then the ball is in her court to prove otherwise.

As to "him", is there only one? Or is there a possibility she was courting more than one at a time?


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## Just a tired Marine (Sep 25, 2012)

Sounds fun... This is not going to be easy. She is very persuasive but I must stand resolute. Otherwise, I'm going to end up in heartache. How do I deal with her crying, blame-shifting, flirting, ect?


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## Just a tired Marine (Sep 25, 2012)

Not sure if there is a second or even third or fourth person. I'm to have search for that. I just noticed a lot of email exchanges with this one guy. The phone number might be another man. She might even have had ONS but I need to search more thoroughly if this is true. I just hope she hasn't changed any of her passwords.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

Just a tired Marine said:


> Sounds fun... This is not going to be easy. She is very persuasive but I must stand resolute. Otherwise, I'm going to end up in heartache. How do I deal with her crying, blame-shifting, flirting, ect?


By paying her no heed. You won't have to deal with her crying and whining if you don't LISTEN to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Just a tired Marine said:


> Sounds fun... This is not going to be easy. She is very persuasive but I must stand resolute. Otherwise, I'm going to end up in heartache. How do I deal with her crying, blame-shifting, flirting, ect?


The same way you deal with watching the same from an actor/actress on TV, since you have no emotional connection to the TV screen. You watch. You might turn the channel. You might leave the room. In short, you have full control of what YOU do and how you respond and can easily just detach and walk away.

Some here would suggest that you not take her calls for a few days and give yourself some breathing space. If you feel yourself going "soft", tell yourself that this is nothing more than an academy award winning performance because she wants money. That thought should keep you focused.


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## Just a tired Marine (Sep 25, 2012)

Just give her the cold shoulder. Simple but effective. I like simple.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Just a tired Marine said:


> Probably not. I have emails that state the OM and my wife are going to meet at a certain place or emails from her to him stating that the sex was incredible (not actuals words but you get the idea). I pulled her call records and got a number that was called or calling almost everyday at all hours of the day. Some of those conversations went on for 2 hours. I haven't called or text this number. So I'm not sure if its even him. I might have to do that. I also have what my friend and sister told me, but I'm guessing that wont really help.



Your independent witness like your friend is good evidence. Dont undervalue it.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Just a tired Marine said:


> Even then, I might not re-marry until I am 100% sure this wont happen again.


In other words, you don't plan on ever marrying again. (There are no guarantees in this life and you can never be 100% sure that your spouse won't cheat on you.)

Just sayin'...


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Emails from her to him referring to sex between them is as much as should be needed to prove infidelity.

The short length of the marriage should make it easy on you, even in California. JAG can let you know the ins and outs. 

Print out or save all of the emails - especially ones referring to meetings, sex and sleeping together. Get this done ASAP.

Go dark on her. Do not talk to her. Only interact with her AFTER she has been served with divorce papers and then only talk about the divorce process and any division of joint property.

I would try my best to find out who the OM is. If you have some buddies in IT, they can probably recommend how to trace a phone number or email address to the owner. Might help to know who you are dealing with.


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## Just a tired Marine (Sep 25, 2012)

You are correct. At least for now. Nothing in life is 100% and I plan not to re-marry. But that might be the whole emotional state I might be in.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Calif isn't as bad as you think in re: splitting the marital assets and alimony

There is a chart the judges go by, but you can ask the judge to by-pass that---in your case, you have a wife taking advantage of an innocent, loving soldier on deployment---real problem Calif. is so screwed up budget wise---they are gonna want you to feed her, so she won't go on welfare---once divorced.

Do not weaken---if she would do this to you now, and you stayed, she would do it again---she has no scruples, and you will just be miserable living with her, and having to look at her day after day, knowing what she did to you-----go dark on her, and stay away from her------

Right now she is gonna do everything she can to keep her bankroll--"YOU"---don't let her---its obvious her lover is probably not marriage material, and actually he is low class scum, in working on your wife to cheat on you, while your not even here to defend yourself----but bottom line your beef is with your wife---she is the one who took sacred vows with you, and she is the one treating you like a POS.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Marine, whatever you do:

DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HER!!

Because if you do, it's game over.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You probably named her as beneficiary on your life insurance and service benefit plans. Change that now.


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## Just a tired Marine (Sep 25, 2012)

Haha, I actually didn't. I put my mother as the beneficiary on the SGLI (the life insurance). She does have full medical and dental. But that goes away with the divorce. I also get paid extra, but that also goes away when I get divorced.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Just a tired Marine said:


> Just give her the cold shoulder. Simple but effective. I like simple.


She may try pleading, crying, shouting, accusing, whatever, but it will be an act to get your attention and get you to react and talk to her.

You seem like a very strong guy, so stay strong with the cold shoulder. Most women trying this act will give up after a while when they realize the game is lost. If you can tune her out long enough, she'll figure it out. Do not soften your heart to her at all - this will give her the in that she wants.

I think she'll see soon enough that she's lost.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Just a tired Marine said:


> I gave her $100 and told her to use it wisely.


Lol


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Tired---do they still have the Thus. nite street fair in Oceanside, also you can go up to del mar---go to the brigantine----or on the weekend go out to the polo fields, and horse shows --get away from everything you know and do---try something different----also solana beach and further south into la jolla and old town san diego will give you things to do---Don't the chargers, allow servicemen to go to home games for free---get out and do things---get your mind off of your cheating wife.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

damn man - i wish i had 1/4 the will power you have in this process so far. I've been dragging my feet for two months on filing even though i know its what I have to do for me. 

Stay strong, for those of us that waiver from the script and flip flop hourly, you are an inspiration!

Sorry you are here though, this is a club noone should be forced to join.


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## Just a tired Marine (Sep 25, 2012)

I'm glad that people can look up to me. It's very difficult to do this. But it has to be done. Otherwise, I'm going to be miserable while my WW is have "fun". Stay strong, keep your head up and remember that this is for you and not for her.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

What's interesting to me is that you are exactly the sort of strong, loyal, trustworthy man that is to die for for a good woman. The man's man that nice women are all searching for. There are armies of trustworthy women out there & I hope, when the dust on this settles, that you find a nice one for yourself. Best of luck to you!


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> For a good laugh, google ‘Donald Duck Who’s Your Daddy’ and watch the YouTube video. (I won’t post the link because I don’t want to get banned.)


:rofl::rofl: Thanks freaky but funny


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Sucks to read these posts. I remember seeing a lot of this when I was in. Part of why I never married at the time. 

Semper Fi & Good Luck.

And yeah, Cali ****s men in divorces.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Jonesey said:


> :rofl::rofl: Thanks freaky but funny


My favorite line: 'Don't move, I'll get you a towel.' :rofl:


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

You said that you don't know who OM is.

If he is another serviceman I assume you'll tell his CO.

Fry his azz


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Marine

Just ignore her. I hope you are getting some quality vacation time in with your family.

Stay strong.
Stay Dark.
File for D.
Get her out of your life.
The only thing she should tell you is the truth.

And a wayward like her rarely does until her will is broken or she is broke......

Change your payroll distribution today.

HM64


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