# Possible WAW need advice



## amanlosinghope (Oct 2, 2015)

My wife and I are separating after 6 years, I am still at a loss as to why she's left and keeps changing her reasons, we have a 4 year old daughter and a 3 month old baby, so I am crushed.

Unfortunately in our relationship she's not very clear about her issues or concerns, so I am always second guessing what her issues are. Even tried talking to her and listening to her needs which she will a) become defensive or b) turn it into a blame competition.

Our first serious conversation she said sarcastically "why did we even bother getting married" you were only with me to escape from your ex" and your only with me cause of our daughter".

Then she said that "now because I have become socially available to my friends for support" that it's taken her to end the marriage for me to be more socialable"
bearing in mind we have 2 children, finances are low and she's not working, and when she did work it was most evenings so I was doing the father responsibilities. 

To make matters more interesting I asked her to define love, the first thing she done was copy the wiki page. then she said that love to her was comfort, closeness and physically and mental connection, but she mentioned that she doesn't like physical closeness.

Now she wants me to move on, yeah that's right so she can get over us quicker, but apparently she still loves me and doesn't want me to move on", (Playing Games that I don't like playing)


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Who is moving out?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

*cough* Affair!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

12 weeks post partum...check for post-partum depression. This is your FIRST and most logical potential explanation.

Second, check yourself. Maybe it didn't come across the way you intended but "Even tried talking to her and listening to her needs which she will a) become defensive or b) turn it into a blame competition." umm wow, you even tried talking to her? That must have been weird for you. 

Sarcasm aside, it doesn't sound like your wife feels loved at all. Asking her to define love, asking her to tell you what her needs are (particularly post partum when her moods are all over the place because of hormone fluctuations) is putting the burden on her to make it easy for you to figure out what she doesn't even know herself. 

Go here and read about emotional needs. The Most Important Emotional Needs

Then go here and print out two copies, one for each of you.http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/enq.pdf

And if anyone thinks it at all likely a 12 week post partum woman is having an affair, they fvcking NUTS! If you feel you absolutely must snoop, I strongly urge you to never ever let her know you've snooped instead of trying to understand her at a time she is most confused emotionally from natural hormonal imbalances! I'd be seriously pissed off!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> *cough* Affair!


Thinking the same thing but Anon makes a good point on post partum.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You know what? That's fair. I hadn't considered PPD. Sometimes I can be too quick to come down w/ the affair hammer. Still, I tend to think that my suspicions are correct more often than not.

Still... DNA the baby.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

don't separate (don't move out)...you can't work on problems together if you're apart!

post partum is highly likely, or just regular old depression on her part. Many a marriage have survived this difficult period, but it takes work.

love without physical closeness? sounds vaguely like "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you", no passion, just brotherly love. So ruling out interaction with a third party is a valid step to take. When solving a problem, all possible root causes must be addressed.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Having a new born and telling the father he isn't wanted/needed sounds like a lot more than post partum depression.

Have you checked out the who she's in contact with on the cell bill and who she's texting.

As far as it being ridiculous to suggest an affair, there's a fellow right now at SI that found out his new son is actually his best friends son.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, do not leave your home, let her leave. Lleaving could mess up your parental rights. See an attorney. Check out dadsdivorce.com.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Find out the divorce laws in your state. Staying put in the house is not always nexessary, and does not always affect custody, in fact, it seldom does anymore. Children are postly presumed to need both parents.

Try to find out if she is depressed or just not "into you" anymore. An affair is possible from what she is saying. Especially if she loving and bonded with the baby, and you are the only person she is adverse to.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How much has her mindset changed from before she got pregnant and the way she is now?

PPD is very probable.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> 12 weeks post partum...check for post-partum depression. This is your FIRST and most logical potential explanation.
> 
> Second, check yourself. Maybe it didn't come across the way you intended but "Even tried talking to her and listening to her needs which she will a) become defensive or b) turn it into a blame competition." umm wow, you even tried talking to her? That must have been weird for you.
> 
> ...



I'm totally with AP on this one. IMO, it's _highly unlikely _that your W is having an affair, but it's quite likely that she's suffering post partum depression and not feeling good about herself right now.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Cosmos said:


> I'm totally with AP on this one. IMO, it's _highly unlikely _that your W is having an affair, but it's quite likely that she's suffering post partum depression and not feeling good about herself right now.


Unless the affair happened 9 + 3 months ago......


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Of course she is not clear about her issues, she just gave birth and has another little one in tow and a H who doesn't have a clue what he should do to support his wife. She doesn't feel loved, this is obvious from the comments that you only married her to get away from your ex, to be there for your daughter, etc. She is crying out for some sort of emotional support from you and she is not getting it. She probably feels emotionally abandoned (it may not be reality but that is how she feels and it does not matter how you see it). 
The clues are in what she said about comfort, closeness, physical and mental connection. She is not getting that from you. She may not want the physical closeness (she has just given birth) and maybe that is the only thing you concentrate on? 

I would suggest you be patient with her, consider going to a doctor for PPD, but take it slowly. She is vulnerable and is testing your commitment, (you seem to be failing big time). Time to let her know you are hanging on no matter what she throws at you, she needs you to be strong for her and the family now, not asking her to 'define love' nor 'trying to talk to her,'

Wrap her in your arms and tell her you know she is all over the place, you love her, love your family and you will be there for her, you will be the man she needs you to be right now.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

amanlosinghope said:


> My wife and I are separating after 6 years, I am still at a loss as to why she's left and keeps changing her reasons, we have a 4 year old daughter and a 3 month old baby, so I am crushed.
> 
> Unfortunately in our relationship she's not very clear about her issues or concerns, so I am always second guessing what her issues are. Even tried talking to her and listening to her needs which she will a) become defensive or b) turn it into a blame competition.
> 
> ...


Oftentimes, most men notice problems in the relationship when the sex dries up, even when women have told them numerous times about their emotional needs. You say that she wasn't clear about her needs, what was she saying exactly? Maybe she feels this is the only way to get your attention. 

She mentioned you having an ex that you were trying to excape from, why would your wife make that statement? You also state that your wife does not prefer physical closeness as much as emotional closeness, was she like this in the beginning of the relationship?


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## amanlosinghope (Oct 2, 2015)

She does use her phone a lot Facebook from she wakes up till she goes to sleep.

We did have a chat recently about what we could do better in the marriage and asked If I could change by status from single "so that I wouldn't get attention from women".

Unfortunately her mum is pretty much involved she told me her mum said "just tie up all loose ends and move on". the last time we had a bad patch I had to write a letter to her mother apologising before she would get back with me.

Since our chat she's been very flirtatious, putting her legs over me saying that she's cold or aching, but I offered her a cuddle she didn't want one. I am very lost where I stand and we are both moving out in 2 weeks. When I first met her she was loving, caring and always put our needs first, however as of late her whole perception has changed which is why it was abit of a shock to me. feels like we were living a lie going from someone who used to love kisses and cuddles to not liking them caught me off guard.

I cant see how there would be another guy unless its an EA.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Cheaters find a way.

Something is going on. Have you checked the phone bill to see who's getting all the texts? What is she doing on the phone all the time? Have you checked her Facebook etc?


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## perol (Oct 6, 2015)

amanlosinghope said:


> We did have a chat recently about what we could do better in the marriage and asked If I could change by status from single "so that I wouldn't get attention from women".


Youre a married guy with two kids and you list yourself as single on FB and she's gotta ask you to change your status and you don't seem to understand why that just might be important to her.

Alrighty then.


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