# Suggestions for Depressed Wife not responding to therapy or drugs



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

My wife was happy for some 65 years and happily married for 30. We decided to move and the move had various problems including her finding fault with various houses leaving us without one. ,We have the following issues, 

1. Self-blame My wife has been a good person and anyone can make a mistake. However, she ceaselessly blames herself spending hours pacing around about what she did wrong. 

2. Downplaying problems in therapy She's been to several therapists and I have periodically participated. She downplays her problems, and obviously little progress is made if problems aren't recognized. I remember walking into one counselor and saying, she's scared to see her grandchildren, that's how profound this anxiety it is, and the counselor's faces dropped. When I don't come, everyone seems to think things are going well since my wife is pleasant with good listening and social skills. 

3. Not following drug recommendations She has little confidence in anti-depressants and frequently attributes various problems to the medication as does another family member. She has reverse placebo effect, where the believe that the drug will cause problems becomes real. 

4. Shutting people down. While she was social with some good friends, she refuses to drive to meet her friends and frequently avoids their calls. 

5. Not doing things each day. Getting a routine, exercise, following materials, etc, can help but she frequently just looks back and remains depressed.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

exercised IS an excellent way to beat depression.
why not both of you join the same gym, and work out daily?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Downplaying problems in therapy and not sticking to the drug regime are big problems. I don't really see how her issues can be resolved like this.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Try to remember that depression is a medical condition. When you have it you have zero motivation to do anything. Everything seems overwhelming. It's easy to say get a routine & do things when you are healthy & able but when you are depressed the smallest decision can be debilitating. I have a post graduate degree & own my own business. When I was in the throws of my worst depression I would often have melt downs & spend the whole day in my walk-in closet crying because I couldn't pick out something to wear. You have no idea how hard it is to do the simplest things.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Does she believe she has a problem with depression?


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

A healthy diet and BMI, enough sleep, and daily exercise can do wonders for depression and many other conditions. The problem is most people don't want this...they want a pill.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

What does "scared to see the grandchildren" mean?

What drugs, and combinations of drugs, has she tried? In another thread you mentioned she is taking Prozac currently. Anything else? Anything focused on the anxiety?

Is she seeing someone particularly skilled at choosing and making changes to medicines? Or, is she seeing someone for meds that doesn't have the time for her or experience with complicated cases?

What is her diagnosis? Major depression, some type of anxiety, OCD, ?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It sounds like she could use some facility stay so they can be sure she takes her meds long enough to see if that helps any or not. But at her age, that will be very uncomfortable for anyone. Maybe the better alternative is to set her up on Zoom psychiatric appointments as often as you can afford them so they can monitor her med use and make changes as needed. Meds are mostly always a trial and error procedure. They are not "one size fits all" and must be changed and added to and adjusted and it can take months to get it right because different ones will take different lengths of time to become effective and to work through side effects. So it's a tedious process. But sounds like what she needs is anti-anxiety meds and antidepressants (there are drugs to do both). Don't give up, but if you have to keep telling them what is going on, do it. They can't and aren't allowed to (without her written permission) tell you what is going on with her there. 

If you can possibly get her to sign a form to let you in on her treatment, that would be best, of course. You might even get the psychiatrist to recommend some home care to check on her and assess her in person, make sure she takes her meds. I guess if she's going to the office voluntarily, no need for all that, but if she needs to go more, supplement with Zoom appointments. 

Over 80 percent of patients on psychiatric meds refuse to take them correctly, think they know better than the doctor, abruptly (which is dangerous) go off them willy-nilly if they have a better day instead of realizing the meds made it better and that their issue isn't a one-time med fix. So it's a common problem. You will need to be sure she takes her meds. Give them to her and make sure she swallows them. Don't trust her to do it. Then any bad effects or just not working after a couple months or few weeks, call the doctor.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Talker67 said:


> exercised IS an excellent way to beat depression.
> why not both of you join the same gym, and work out daily?


Its a good suggestion that I have proposed a number of times. We want to visit a gym which had a special but only I went in. We are trying to walk more but she has developed this strange habit of walking very slowly after she used to briskly walk 1-2 miles without a problem.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

PieceOfSky said:


> What does "scared to see the grandchildren" mean?
> 
> What drugs, and combinations of drugs, has she tried? In another thread you mentioned she is taking Prozac currently. Anything else? Anything focused on the anxiety?
> 
> ...


Good questions. 

1. She's tried Lexipro, Effexor, now on Prozac and Risperdol. Periodically used Ativan in stressful situations. Less effective than before and she uses it sparingly. She also has a serious thyroid problem. 

2. She's seeing a psychiatrist for medication management. She saw a nurse practitioner who I thought was good. Her current psych is nice and caring, but not sure how one can determine what will work. She also sees an endocrinologist. 

3. Diagnosis Major Depression, severe anxiety, previously some schizophrenic characteristic which are managed now somewhat effectively. 

Prior to the move, she was by most accounts a happy and well-adjusted person.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Scared to see her grandchildren means that they live 5 hours away, we had a vacation and she insisted on leaving early, because she did not want to see them or fell she looked bad and was acting differently.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It sounds like she could use some facility stay so they can be sure she takes her meds long enough to see if that helps any or not. But at her age, that will be very uncomfortable for anyone. Maybe the better alternative is to set her up on Zoom psychiatric appointments as often as you can afford them so they can monitor her med use and make changes as needed. Meds are mostly always a trial and error procedure. They are not "one size fits all" and must be changed and added to and adjusted and it can take months to get it right because different ones will take different lengths of time to become effective and to work through side effects. So it's a tedious process. But sounds like what she needs is anti-anxiety meds and antidepressants (there are drugs to do both). Don't give up, but if you have to keep telling them what is going on, do it. They can't and aren't allowed to (without her written permission) tell you what is going on with her there.
> 
> If you can possibly get her to sign a form to let you in on her treatment, that would be best, of course. You might even get the psychiatrist to recommend some home care to check on her and assess her in person, make sure she takes her meds. I guess if she's going to the office voluntarily, no need for all that, but if she needs to go more, supplement with Zoom appointments.
> 
> Over 80 percent of patients on psychiatric meds refuse to take them correctly, think they know better than the doctor, abruptly (which is dangerous) go off them willy-nilly if they have a better day instead of realizing the meds made it better and that their issue isn't a one-time med fix. So it's a common problem. You will need to be sure she takes her meds. Give them to her and make sure she swallows them. Don't trust her to do it. Then any bad effects or just not working after a couple months or few weeks, call the doctor.


Good points, and noncompliance has been noted so she's in that 80%. She did spend 9 days at a facility and she says it was scary and made her unhappy; while the place seems capable, there was limited benefit.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Bobby5000 said:


> Good points, and noncompliance has been noted so she's in that 80%. She did spend 9 days at a facility and she says it was scary and made her unhappy; while the place seems capable, there was limited benefit.


Well, no one ever said the mentally unstable were easy to deal with. Sorry this is such a challenge. I'm sure it was scary and made her unhappy, but the goal is to get her stabilized. Unfortunately, insurance won't pay for very long stays that might actually get people straightened out -- and it is no fun being incarcerated. But sometimes is necessary. She must stay in therapy, both talk therapy and psychiatric medicine, to have some hope here. She must have her anxiety treated. She may need stronger meds just to keep her from reeling out of control, but see, I don't know what she really acts like day to day. Hope she's overall lowkey.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

In Absentia said:


> Downplaying problems in therapy and not sticking to the drug regime are big problems. I don't really see how her issues can be resolved like this.


This. The issue is not a failure to respond to drugs and therapy, it's a failure to PARTICIPATE.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

DTO said:


> This. The issue is not a failure to respond to drugs and therapy, it's a failure to PARTICIPATE.


Which is just a very common problem with the mentally ill. They are the last ones who seem to want to get therapy and take meds.


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