# Is it me or really him?



## stairwaytoheaven (Dec 15, 2013)

Hello everyone. 
My husband is 28 years old. I am 30. Over the last several days my husband has been having issues in bed. It takes him about 15 mins to get hard(That’s after I perform oral sex on him) then we have sex for about 30-45 minutes and he cannot ejaculate, so he gives up. He assured me that it’s not me but I have my doubts. He never wants to try again. He says it’s due to the medication he’s taking(anti anxiety ect) even went as far as googling it last night and showing me, but he’s always taken the same medications. He says it’s due to stress, but there’s nothing to stress about. We’ve been under a lot of stress before and have had no issues. He has a regular doctors appointment but not for a month. We don’t have sex a lot.. Only 7 times this month and 4 of those times(the last 4 we’ve had sex) he couldn’t ejaculate. It’s starting to make me feel bad about myself. This has turned into a big argument. Especially last night when he didn’t want to try again. I’ve done everything I could to try and relax him beforehand. Given him massages, oral, without getting anything in return to try and help the situation. I am desperate at this point.


----------



## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

Has anything else changed besides the sex? Is that why you're worried?


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Maybe you can share why he is on those anxiety meds for such a long time some of those meds have SSRI's and can affect the libido. But your H being 28 isn't normal. Maybe he'll just going through with the mechanics of the act. And something inside of him cause him to become unaffectionate in this manner. 

How long have you been married, what is/was the reason for it mutual desires to be together? Or did something force it? Maybe you put it before him to either marry you or you were going to move on?


----------



## stairwaytoheaven (Dec 15, 2013)

Nothing has changed. We’ve been married for 8 years. He said his anxiety is really bad and he’s been taking his clonazolam more often, I can’t remember the other 2 medications he’s on. One is an anti-depressant. But yesterday he didn’t take any of his medications and couldn’t ejaculate.


----------



## Lake life (Nov 18, 2019)

It’s most likely NOT you.
Tell him to lay off the porn.... and work to manage his stress better.


----------



## stairwaytoheaven (Dec 15, 2013)

He’s been taking the clonazolam since October. I know that.


----------



## stairwaytoheaven (Dec 15, 2013)

I’m pretty sure porn isn’t involved. He works 12 hour swing shifts. When he’s not at home he’s at home with me, spending time with me and our children.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

In this instance i would say the husband takes full responsibility for this, does he achieve your needs by oral, or similar methods? Have you tried alternative methods?


----------



## stairwaytoheaven (Dec 15, 2013)

He has never performed oral on me. It’s normally not about me. I have to use a vibrator to get off.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

stairwaytoheaven said:


> He has never performed oral on me. It’s normally not about me. I have to use a vibrator to get off.


But it should also be about you. What of my earlier questions of the marriage?


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

You have a damn selfish husband/lover! And only thinks of himself first.


----------



## stairwaytoheaven (Dec 15, 2013)

Tilted 1 said:


> stairwaytoheaven said:
> 
> 
> > He has never performed oral on me. It’s normally not about me. I have to use a vibrator to get off.
> ...


We’ve been married 8 years. I don’t understand the rest of your question. We didn’t force each other to get married. We love each other.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

stairwaytoheaven said:


> We’ve been married 8 years. I don’t understand the rest of your question. We didn’t force each other to get married. We love each other.


Well, that's good to hear, I still struggle with his Very limited, approach to your love life/sex. After 8 years was he a abused child or something in his past that makes him unable to pleasure you in ways that you can see he is thinking of you also?


----------



## stairwaytoheaven (Dec 15, 2013)

Tilted 1 said:


> stairwaytoheaven said:
> 
> 
> > We’ve been married 8 years. I don’t understand the rest of your question. We didn’t force each other to get married. We love each other.
> ...


He wasn’t abused as a child. I’m not a fan of being fingered or having my nipples played with unless I’m in the mood for it. He will use a vibrator on me.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Well thats good, he is a participant then. You know what you like, and so does he. So are you against oral for yourself?


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Sex isn't about you and never has been. Yet, you're very concerned that he isn't getting off with you. Are you missing the closeness of PIV, looking to have more children or is it your ego is bruised?

When a 28 year old man declares he never wants to have sex again - it's WHOA MAMA, wth is up with that? It sounds like he is feeling pressured to perform.


----------



## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Sorry to hear this. I can tell you from experience that anxiety coupled with medication is a formidable adversary when it comes to sexual intimacy especially for men. For most men, it’s very easy mentally to switch to the “sex box” from any other mental box but with anxiety that’s hard because instead of thinking about sex all the time you’re constantly worried about something else. It’s like having a song in your head you can never get rid of.

This is analogous to you both are driving somewhere. You get a flat tire, he tries and cant change it so he just throws his hands up and starts walking home without talking about, leaving you with the car. 

There’s two parts to this:

1) There’s a high likelihood that he feels bad or less manly and insecure because he can’t get there and then wants nothing to do with it (which includes getting you off). Not getting you off is selfish IMHO. I mean where else are you supposed to get sexual satisfaction/bonding from?

2) In terms of feeling bad about yourself vis-a-vis sex IT’S NOT YOU! If you step back and look holistically, there are hundreds of men you encounter daily that find you sexually desirable. The meds have changed the biochemistry of his brain and you both need to work that out.

Have you all looked at counseling? Also, are there other meds? Many switch to Wellbutrin to avoid the sexual side-effects.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## stairwaytoheaven (Dec 15, 2013)

aaarghdub said:


> Sorry to hear this. I can tell you from experience that anxiety coupled with medication is a formidable adversary when it comes to sexual intimacy especially for men. For most men, it’s very easy mentally to switch to the “sex box” from any other mental box but with anxiety that’s hard because instead of thinking about sex all the time you’re constantly worried about something else. It’s like having a song in your head you can never get rid of.
> 
> This is analogous to you both are driving somewhere. You get a flat tire, he tries and cant change it so he just throws his hands up and starts walking home without talking about, leaving you with the car.
> 
> ...



Thank you! This is more of what I was looking for, an insight to the medication because I know nothing about it or what it can cause. I don’t have anxiety so I don’t know how it feels or what he is going through mentally. He is on two other medications. He rambled them off last night one started with an F, but I can’t remember the name. And I know he’s on an anti-depressant. He googled the clonazolam and the F medication side effects and both said they may result in a lower libido and delayed ejaculation. I am concerned about the clonazolam because he’s been on it since October and I have read it’s highly addictive. We have not started counseling, this has been recent(within the last 2 weeks) that’s why I am confused because he’s been on this medication so I don’t understand why it would be a sudden change. I will mention Wellbutrin to him when he gets home from work.


----------



## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

stairwaytoheaven said:


> He’s been taking the clonazolam since October. I know that.


Oh boy. Benzos are a really REALLY big deal. These are drugs that can have huge effects on a person. Add porn to the mix... not good.


----------



## stairwaytoheaven (Dec 15, 2013)

dadstartingover said:


> stairwaytoheaven said:
> 
> 
> > He’s been taking the clonazolam since October. I know that.
> ...


I never said anything about porn lol. This has been mentioned twice. He’s not a porn person.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

@aarghdub is spot on. I just wanted to add that sexual dysfunction is a well-documented side-effect of long-term benzodiazepines. This effect can come on later, when it wasn't present earlier in the therapy. 

Although it is not of the same class as clonazolam, I was once put on Zoloft and experienced impotence and inability to ejaculate within a couple months. A switch to wellbutrin solved the problem. Since October is relatively the time frame I noted upon myself.

This is clearly him, not you, and he understands his problem correctly. He needs to see the doc. Clonazolam is indeed an addictive drug and one which needs to be titrated off slowly.


----------



## stairwaytoheaven (Dec 15, 2013)

TJW said:


> @aarghdub is spot on. I just wanted to add that sexual dysfunction is a well-documented side-effect of long-term benzodiazepines. This effect can come on later, when it wasn't present earlier in the therapy.
> 
> Although it is not of the same class as clonazolam, I was once put on Zoloft and experienced impotence and inability to ejaculate within a couple months. A switch to wellbutrin solved the problem.
> 
> This is clearly him, not you, and he understands his problem correctly. He needs to see the doc. Clonazolam is indeed an addictive drug and one which needs to be titrated off slowly.


Thank you! He did at one point take Zoloft and they took him off it and put him on a different one. His Clonzolam says to take one a day he said sometimes he takes 2. Yesterday he didn’t take his medications at all, he was just having a relaxing day off and he was pouring with sweat and said he felt clammy and his anxiety was through the roof. I don’t know how to approach him with this medication issue because I don’t want him to think I’m attacking him but these medications aren’t helping. I am going to have him call the doctor if they are in on Monday(It’s his jobs doctors office) and hopefully he can get in earlier than a month. Does anyone know how long it can take to get the medications out of his system?


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

dadstartingover said:


> Oh boy. Benzos are a really REALLY big deal. These are drugs that can have huge effects on a person. Add porn to the mix... not good.





Lake life said:


> It’s most likely NOT you.
> Tell him to lay off the porn.... and work to manage his stress better.


She told you he is taking three types of medication and you both jump to porn. This is an unhelpful derail.


First, until he sees the doctor, you shouldn’t be arguing or doubting what he states. Yes, sex is important, but minimizing his stress, blaming yourself and him feeling Like he has too google to prove it isn’t you erodes trust. 

Second, regularly taken medications can cause changes as your body adjusts to it. This is why you go see the doctor when there are huge changes like this one.

Yes, a month sucks, but pressure and fights will only exacerbate the problems and add new ones. Also, one day doesn’t flush the system and changes created by the medication.


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

His problem is his problem not yours. But you can make it easier or harder for him. By fighting with him and getting into arguments about it, that is a sure way to make things more difficult for him. 

It’s important that a man feels like a man. So not being able to orgasm or get hard is very emasculating for him. Don’t make it worse by drawing so much attention to it and arguing about it. 

Come from a positive loving point of view when talking to him. Tell him you know it’s his medication and he just needs to figure about the dosing or whatever through trial and error. Tell him you love having sex with him and he always satisfies you when you guys do it. 

You guys just need to lovingly figure this bump out. And sometimes men can’t orgasm, even in healthy young non medicated people. My boyfriend doesn’t always orgasm either. It’s not a big deal.


----------



## stairwaytoheaven (Dec 15, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> dadstartingover said:
> 
> 
> > Oh boy. Benzos are a really REALLY big deal. These are drugs that can have huge effects on a person. Add porn to the mix... not good.
> ...


He googled on his own. He kept telling me something was wrong with him and saying that I was gorgeous but I think any woman would feel how I felt, that it was me. I’m not pressuring him into anything, he initiated the last couple of times and I initiated last night. I’ve been supportive. But deep down I felt that it was me. Maybe I couldn’t turn him on anymore? I don’t know. But, I never once belittled him or anything.


----------



## Baldy (Jul 18, 2019)

He should definitely speak to his doctor about the clonazapram. Like Xanax and others it definitely affects libido and is addicting.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It looks like female members don't need to waste their time responding.


----------



## Lake life (Nov 18, 2019)

OP , after reading your responses.
I would say it is Not you at all.
I suffer from mild anxiety at times, especially when stressed. 
Like mentioned above the “ benzo” type meds are Very addictive!
Help him find other healthy ways to reduce stress and anxiety. 
Good luck


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

stairwaytoheaven said:


> He googled on his own. He kept telling me something was wrong with him and saying that I was gorgeous but I think any woman would feel how I felt, that it was me. I’m not pressuring him into anything, he initiated the last couple of times and I initiated last night. I’ve been supportive. But deep down I felt that it was me. Maybe I couldn’t turn him on anymore? I don’t know. But, I never once belittled him or anything.


 I am not minimizing how you felt, but you said a big argument started. You’ve never discussed this with him at all?


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

stairwaytoheaven said:


> He is on two other medications. He rambled them off last night one started with an F, but I can’t remember the name.


Fluoxetine?


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Am I the only person who thinks it’s irresponsible for a doctor to prescribe meds that could have a profound effect on a relationship, and not require counseling for both parties? 

I get that the other party (the one not being prescribed the meds) might be the reason the meds are prescribed and possibly shouldn’t be an influence on the decision. But seriously, this stuff (anti depressants) can really wreck intimacy for some. A couple should be prepared for the consequences and consider the different options in light of those consequences.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Yes, as others have said, the meds he's on are known to have sexual side effects and the benzo is known to be highly addictive. Unfortunately, over time, some of the side effects can be permanent. Permanent as in the patient can stop taking the meds and never recover proper sexual function. Personally, I think he should seriously consider seeing another doctor.

In my own experience with similar meds, I had serious sexual side effects from being unable to be aroused on one med to being unable to orgasm on another. It definitely wasn't my husband or me. It was the meds.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

stairwaytoheaven said:


> He has never performed oral on me. It’s normally not about me. I have to use a vibrator to get off.


Unreal.

This selfish slob expects YOU to give him oral sex and then you have to endure 35 minutes of this fool pounding away on you?

What an utterly *selfish POS*. But let's all put our heads together and try to figure out how this poor _victim_ can once again enjoy sex because the poor, poor _thing_ can't get off. 

Why on EARTH are you settling for so little with this clown, OP?


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> It’s important that a man feels like a man. So not being able to orgasm or get hard is very emasculating for him. Don’t make it worse by drawing so much attention to it and arguing about it. big deal.


I'm guessing you missed the part where she said Mr. Wonderful expects oral sex but doesn't reciprocate, and doesn't care that his wife isn't being satisfied.

She has to use a vibrator *later* if she wants satisfaction.

She says sex is all about HIM, not her. 

Well, I guess when you have *zero* expectations, you're never disappointed.


----------



## justlistening (Jan 23, 2020)

Benzos are highly addictive. If he is taking them every day under the advice of his doctor, he needs a new doctor!


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Casual Observer said:


> Am I the only person who thinks it’s irresponsible for a doctor to prescribe meds that could have a profound effect on a relationship, and not require counseling for both parties?
> 
> I get that the other party (the one not being prescribed the meds) might be the reason the meds are prescribed and possibly shouldn’t be an influence on the decision. But seriously, this stuff (anti depressants) can really wreck intimacy for some. A couple should be prepared for the consequences and consider the different options in light of those consequences.


Maybe you are the only one who thinks that. You said meds can have a profound effect on a "relationship." Counseling for "both" parties, really? Can meds have a profound effect on an individual person's sexuality, or do they have to be in a relationship for it to count?? You said "both". What if a person has more than one sexual partner?

So...you want a doctor to go down a social worker role and find out a. if a person is even in a relationship (believe it or not there are single people out there) b. who the person is in a relationship with c. what the status of the relationship is, IF there even is one... some married people don't have sex d. what if the patient is having sex with multiple people, do ALL of the partners get counseling? e. should all new sexual partners for the duration of the meds get counseling, too, or does only a spouse count?

Who would you like to pay for this counseling? Is there a limit to how many sexual partners can get counselled over the duration of the med?

Yes, I hope you are the only one who thinks this way.

There is such can a thing as personal responsibility. A person taking meds is hopefully watching out for side effects and contacting his or her medical provider about them. And hopefully any sexual partner(s) will be patient--- as long as they see the issue is being attended to.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

justlistening said:


> Benzos are highly addictive. If he is taking them every day under the advice of his doctor, he needs a new doctor!


It is shocking how many doctors are so willing to prescribe pills to "fix" a problem without having to understand what's causing the problem first.

Of course, part of it comes from the demand side. In looking for therapists, it is similarly shocking how many advertise their view that the right combination of pills can fix anything. Absolving the patient of having to do anything for themselves.

Once you get onto a pill regime, it becomes increasingly difficult to know where the problem originates.


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I'm guessing you missed the part where she said Mr. Wonderful expects oral sex but doesn't reciprocate, and doesn't care that his wife isn't being satisfied.
> 
> She has to use a vibrator *later* if she wants satisfaction.
> 
> ...




Whoa you’re jumping to a conclusion‘s. 

First off... they had sex 7x last month, and Of those times, 4 of them he couldn’t finish. Secondly, she later said that she doesn’t like to be fingered, or nipple play. She did not say that she even likes oral or wants oral.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

stairwaytoheaven said:


> But deep down I felt that it was me. Maybe I couldn’t turn him on anymore?


I think many women, depending upon their personality type, would have felt the same. I've had periods of ED due to atherosclerosis and want to assure you that you are not the issue here. 

The worst part of this is that the meds seem to only be giving him undesirable side effects and no benefit. 

Do you know what the person who graduates last in his medical-school class is called ?

Doctor.

Yes, that is correct. Whether he/she squeaked out of school by the skin of the teeth, or received magna cum laude and wrote 200 papers - he/she is "doctor".

19 months ago, I was hospitalized with a severe infection following a toe amputation. I was told by a TEAM of doctors that the ONLY WAY to stop this infection
was to amputate my leg just below the knee. Included in that team was one doctor of local renown in vascular surgical practice. The team employed 3 different interventional cardiologists to attempt to open blood flow to my foot, all 3 of them were unsuccessful because of scar tissue from 19 prior catherizations.

I decided to leave the hospital and get a second opinion. I went to a doctor who studied my films, and said he would fix it. It required 2 procedures, the first to stent the femoral artery open at the scar site, then he successfully re-established blood flow - and the end of the story is that I still have my complete leg, went back to work, have a completely-healed amputation wound, and walk with no assistive devices.

The doctor can make all the difference. Doctors are also constrained as to how they practice by insurance, bean-counters, etc. This can make a difference. My vascular team worked for a large healthcare company who owns several hospitals, clinics, and specialty practices. The guy who fixed my leg is in an office of his own and has assistants and nurses working for him.


----------



## stairwaytoheaven (Dec 15, 2013)

Laurentium said:


> stairwaytoheaven said:
> 
> 
> > He is on two other medications. He rambled them off last night one started with an F, but I can’t remember the name.
> ...


That sounds like the name. I can double check when he gets home.


----------



## stairwaytoheaven (Dec 15, 2013)

Hey everyone. I think this post is getting out of hand, I don’t want people tearing him down because of what he does/doesn’t do to me in the bedroom. I was more or less wanting insight and maybe someone who has dealt with their spouses being on medication and their sex drive.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

stairwaytoheaven said:


> Hey everyone. I think this post is getting out of hand, I don’t want people tearing him down because of what he does/doesn’t do to me in the bedroom. I was more or less wanting insight and maybe someone who has dealt with their spouses being on medication and their sex drive.


Penis and performance issues for men are similar to what women say about weight and looks issues for them. I am not a woman and can’t say it is 100% the same, but it sure sounds very similar. Notice how you just said “I think any woman would feel how I felt?” You do realize not performing may make him feel the same, but it is in a different area? 

Deep down he probably feels the same as what you said earlier. Just like you, he is highly defensive right now. “Belittling” and “pressure“ are not the same at all. I never said belittling anywhere in my post, nor did I assess any blame. I gave a list that said you both are contributing to the arguments. I have no I dea what you have done or what he has done to cause this rift.

Pressure to preform is a real thing for some men and that anxiety may have been worse because he stopped his medicine to be better for you in bed. Then he fails miserably and you Both have an argument. You both have a right to feel the way you do, but you both need to be careful you don’t internalize it as an insult. That’s how resentment builds and starts to ruin a marriage.

This is not about who is more guilty, but showing you a possible peek into why he basically said no more sex.


----------



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I'm sorry if I am repeating anything... I didn't read the other replies. 

I am the spouse who has debilitating anxiety and takes meds for it. I'm a woman, so the sexual side effects obviously present differently... it isn't as obvious as a man suffering from ED. However, yes - I suffer the same side effects - lack of libido and inability to feel sexual pleasure. It sucks. However... in my case, I am literally incapacitated by my anxiety... like, unable to hold a job, get out of bed, perform basic acts of living... without my medication. So those sexual side effects are worth it to me. For now. I don't know that I will necessarily always feel that way. I hope that I will be better able to manage my mental health in the future, maybe without meds? I have been able to lower my dose in the last few years so that is positive progress. 

Anyway - my first point was that I doubt he is lying about his issue. Please, please don't take it personally. I am sure he feels like absolute **** about himself. Besides the bedroom issues, anxiety is a beast that messes up your mind so badly, it twists you to the point that you don't feel human anymore. Things that were fine before become triggers and spur you into a spiral of intrusive thoughts and panic. This is likely what has happened with sex. The more he thinks about his ED and his "failure", the more he gets anxious about it, and the more it continues to happen. He is desperate to avoid the trigger, and to avoid disappointing you further, so he thinks by refusing sex completely you'll both be able to avoid the bad feelings. (This isn't a longterm solution.)

What kind of doctor is he seeing? He should be seeing a primary care doctor, but also a psychiatrist for his medications, and also be in therapy coupled with the medication. These types of medications should be closely monitored because it takes a careful eye to see if they are working or not. It usually takes quite awhile for each medication to reach it's full effectiveness (up to 3 months), and sometimes they just don't work for some people - or can even make symptoms worse. That's why being closely followed by a doctor is so important. 

Particularly with any type of benzodiazepine. Those are really meant to be "rescue" medications that you take in moments of extreme panic, sporadically, or as a very temporary gap medication to keep you stable until your long-term meds (such as SSRI) begin to work. Typically a doctor will not prescribe more than 5-10 pills of a benzo at a time because there are huge risks of addiction and worsening mental issues when taking them a long time or at too high of a dose. 

His symptoms you mentioned... clamminess, feeling anxious, racing heart (if I remember correctly) are likely related to the benzos and/or his mixing those benzos with the other meds he is taking. 

I always feel terrible when I read any posts here by the "normal" spouse of one who suffers from mental health issues. I know that I often feel like a burden in my own marriage and struggle sometimes to take care of myself. If I could make a suggestion - find out what doctors he is seeing and ask your husband if he would be ok with you attending the next couple of appointments WITH him, or if he would allow you to speak to his doctors privately. Explain to those doctors what you see, and any concerns you have (such as the ED, his mental state, his meds, etc.) When you are the one who suffers, it is hard to be objective about your own symptoms. 

My biggest concern as his spouse would be 1) what are these meds he's taking and does the doc really think they are working as intended? (And what symptoms should you be looking for as his spouse that shows they are or arent working?) ... and 2) what else can you do to help him? Therapy? Marriage counseling? 



Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Maybe you are the only one who thinks that. You said meds can have a profound effect on a "relationship." Counseling for "both" parties, really? Can meds have a profound effect on an individual person's sexuality, or do they have to be in a relationship for it to count?? You said "both". What if a person has more than one sexual partner?
> 
> So...you want a doctor to go down a social worker role and find out a. if a person is even in a relationship (believe it or not there are single people out there) b. who the person is in a relationship with c. what the status of the relationship is, IF there even is one... some married people don't have sex d. what if the patient is having sex with multiple people, do ALL of the partners get counseling? e. should all new sexual partners for the duration of the meds get counseling, too, or does only a spouse count?
> 
> ...


So change "require" to "suggest." The fact is, the patient has no idea how they are going to be affected, and further, will not be in a position to understand how things have changed. The meds will distort their view of reality. Hopefully for the better, but absolutely things will be different. If you're in a relationship and going through this, it is simply not fair that your partner is not included in knowing how things might change.

Anti-depressants are complex and potentially dangerous. By design they change how your brain works. Which wouldn't be so bad if they were predictable. But they're not. You take an antibiotic for something and there's probably an 80% or greater chance that it will get the job done. And once the job's done, the effect of the drug is gone, flushed from your system, no need to keep taking it. Anti-depressants have a small but far-from-negligible chance of making things worse, not better. The same drug you take to deal with depression could make you suicidal. Dosing may need to be fine-tuned. Different combinations might be needed. 

And all the doc does is send you home with a bottle of pills and tells you to call if anything seems wrong? How would you even know? 

I'm surrounded by people on anti-depressants. I see some really strange stuff at times. They are not aware of certain effects. Should I have been told that my wife would potentially become tone-deaf regarding empathy? Should she have been told that? I think yes. It would have been something to watch for. But after being on this crap for a decade, some of the changes to your brain become permanent and dependent upon continued use of the drug to function. 

So... yes. I would want a doctor or a social worker to recognize the environment the patient lives in, and have some regard to how the meds will affect that environment. I would want them to be a bit more careful about what a patient might be suffering from before tossing pills at them. If there's a traumatic event that's driving things, work on that at the same time. Maybe the traumatic event is continuing. All the more reason to look at the patient's environment.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

stairwaytoheaven said:


> Nothing has changed. We’ve been married for 8 years. He said his anxiety is really bad and he’s been taking his clonazolam more often, I can’t remember the other 2 medications he’s on. One is an anti-depressant. But yesterday he didn’t take any of his medications and couldn’t ejaculate.


Most of the anti-anxiety and anti-depressants build up in the body over time so being off the meds for a day (or a few days) would not change any side effects form them.

In addition, you say here that he's been taking "his clonazolam more often". So there is even more of the drug built up in his body.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Most of the anti-anxiety and anti-depressants build up in the body over time so being off the meds for a day (or a few days) would not change any side effects form them.
> 
> In addition, you say here that he's been taking "his clonazolam more often". So there is even more of the drug built up in his body.


My fear is over medicating himself. Did the doctor say it was okay or did he up it himself?


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

stairwaytoheaven said:


> Hello everyone.
> It takes him about 15 mins to get hard(That’s after I perform oral sex on him) then we have sex for about 30-45 minutes and he cannot ejaculate, so he gives up. He assured me that it’s not me but I have my doubts. .


The drugs he's taking is more than likely causing his problem. Its almost assured that any anti-depression, anxiety relief drug that is a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor will have that effect on most men regardless of age. (Albeit, the older the man, the worse it can be.) Paxil, for example, is sometimes prescribed to men with premature ejaculation. I don't know if the meds he's taking are SSRI type but anti depression anti anxiety work by altering the chemical messages that nerves receive in one way or another thereby making it difficult to become aroused, sustain arousal, and reach orgasm.


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Casual Observer said:


> Am I the only person who thinks it’s irresponsible for a doctor to prescribe meds that could have a profound effect on a relationship, and not require counseling for both parties?


Basically you may well be.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

justlistening said:


> Benzos are highly addictive. If he is taking them every day under the advice of his doctor, he needs a new doctor!


There's also something in there about him taking more than the prescribed amount of medication.

The OP's husband needs to get to the doctor, come clean about his self-medication and side effects, and describe the impact this is having on his marriage. The doctor needs to partner with him to get him more functional all the way around or needs to be replaced.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Casual Observer said:


> Am I the only person who thinks it’s irresponsible for a doctor to prescribe meds that could have a profound effect on a relationship, and not require counseling for both parties?
> 
> I get that the other party (the one not being prescribed the meds) might be the reason the meds are prescribed and possibly shouldn’t be an influence on the decision. But seriously, this stuff (anti depressants) can really wreck intimacy for some. A couple should be prepared for the consequences and consider the different options in light of those consequences.


I think requiring counseling is over the top. But I do think that doctors should make their patients aware of the connection between sexual performance issues and medications / procedures. My experience is that doctors sometimes are clueless or just don't care.

Example 1: when my kid was being treated for his leukemia (at a well known research hospital), my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer. I asked the kid's oncologist for some insight and part of the response was "why does your dad worry about sexual function if he's not married".

Example 2: I was looking for a urologist because I was having serious complications from my vasectomy. I got a recommendation from a friend. Looked the doc up and (1) he won't do vasectomies at all plus (2) he won't do vasectomy reversals unless you are married because sexual activity is required to keep the vasa open but he considers masturbation and extramarital sex to be sinful.

My point is that you can't assume this guy's doc is even interested in these issues. Beyond just issues of competence, you have instances where personal bias gets in the way of providing effective care which meets the need of the patient.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Casual Observer said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> > Maybe you are the only one who thinks that. You said meds can have a profound effect on a "relationship." Counseling for "both" parties, really? Can meds have a profound effect on an individual person's sexuality, or do they have to be in a relationship for it to count?? You said "both". What if a person has more than one sexual partner?
> ...


You must be under the misguided idea that is ethical to look at a patient's "environment" and tell people in their life what meds are being prescribed to them. With your misguided idea---who gets to decide who is worthy of being told all about a patient's treatment? How does that get determined? How do you keep that information from potentially HARMING a patient? What if a patient's husband or wife or girlfriend or boyfriend is dysfunctional, deranged, abusive and then coerces a patient to either take or not take a prescribed medication for reasons not in a patient's best interest? Or have or not have a surgery or other medical procedure? Talk about invasion of privacy and chance of harm. It sounds like you have no experience with families and all of the different dynamics you might find in them, the general public, and most importantly---- the laws that govern privacy and why they were put into place.

A *patient* has the responsibility to make medical decisions with their partner, if they have one, and IF they want to. It's not up to a doctor to police that.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Livvie said:


> You must be under the misguided idea that is ethical to look at a patient's "environment" and tell people in their life what meds are being prescribed to them. With your misguided idea---who gets to decide who is worthy of being told all about a patient's treatment? How does that get determined? How do you keep that information from potentially HARMING a patient? What if a patient's husband or wife or girlfriend or boyfriend is dysfunctional, deranged, abusive and then coerces a patient to either take or not take a prescribed medication for reasons not in a patient's best interest? Or have or not have a surgery or other medical procedure? Talk about invasion of privacy and chance of harm. It sounds like you have no experience with families and all of the different dynamics you might find in them, the general public, and most importantly---- the laws that govern privacy and why they were put into place.
> 
> A *patient* has the responsibility to make medical decisions with their partner, if they have one, and IF they want to. It's not up to a doctor to police that.


Those are all good questions. Especially when we get to the part where the patients issues may be caused by the other person in the relationship. On the other hand, prescribing extremely powerful and potentially dangerous drugs without fully understanding what is going on in the patient's life... can't we do better than just handing out the pills, basically no questions asked? 

My wife's been prescribed stuff without having any idea of the side effects or have it suggested to her that there might be a root cause that could be addressed that would potentially minimize the need for medication. She says she was never, once, asked any "deep" questions. Just fill out forms that are looking for current signs of abuse, other forms that seek to determine your overall level of depression, and that's pretty much it. 

Maybe there's no need to talk with the husband or wife, and perhaps no need for counseling in a formal sense, but perhaps at least ask a few questions that might help determine if counseling could be of benefit? 

I didn't mean to step on toes or trigger anything here. I was offering more food for thought than a well-thought-out idea.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

DTO said:


> Beyond just issues of competence, you have instances where personal bias gets in the way of providing effective care which meets the need of the patient.


There's also the bias which comes from the fact, that in modern-day health care, the doctor is being hierarchically managed to deliver specific care regimens which are tailored financially more than medically. Like having 8 minutes per patient. My primary-care doctor once laid it out for me. This guy once had his own practice, but delivering the kind of care he wanted to deliver, with the rising cost of insurance, ran him out of business.

He joined a large corporately-owned practice, which was heavily dictatorial, to the point of production-line medicine. No longer has time to seriously evaluate the treatment plan. He has to write the script as he's walking out the door to next patient. 

The care plan was already decided. He was there to simply satisfy laws and regulations which require a doctor to sign the scripts.


----------



## stairwaytoheaven (Dec 15, 2013)

We had a long talk last night. He is calling the doctor on Monday to see if he can come in. His next appointment which was supposed to be in March, he was going to ask for a higher dosage of clonazepam because he says it’s not working for him. I think his body has just built up a tolerance to this. Now, Friday I asked him not to take it to see if it helped but it didn’t, I think he was having withdrawal symptoms from it, so maybe he is addicted to it? I looked up the long term side effects and it said a lower libido. Like I said he’s been taking it since October and it says to take 1 AS NEEDED and sometimes he says he takes 2-3. I will make sure he is switched off this medication. The other medications, one is for his overactive thyroid and the other is lexapro(anti depressant)


----------



## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

stairwaytoheaven said:


> We had a long talk last night. He is calling the doctor on Monday to see if he can come in. His next appointment which was supposed to be in March, he was going to ask for a higher dosage of clonazepam because he says it’s not working for him. I think his body has just built up a tolerance to this. Now, Friday I asked him not to take it to see if it helped but it didn’t, I think he was having withdrawal symptoms from it, so maybe he is addicted to it? I looked up the long term side effects and it said a lower libido. Like I said he’s been taking it since October and it says to take 1 AS NEEDED and sometimes he says he takes 2-3. I will make sure he is switched off this medication. The other medications, one is for his overactive thyroid and the other is lexapro(anti depressant)


Please. Do NOT stop taking a medication for a day or two to see if it reverses the effect. That's just damn dangerous. These drugs take a while to reach "steady state" in the blood and can't take days/weeks to entirely leave the system. The side effects of sudden withdrawal can be dangerous as well. He needs MEDICAL supervision to slowly withdraw unless it is an emergency. Its not unusual for the receptors to become "full" and higher dose to be needed in the case of anti-anxiety meds.

If the clonazepam is not working for him now, he needs a reassessment and titrating to new medication combination. Who is this being handled by? A GP? or a Specialist? (Psychiatrist) 

And yes, lower libido can be caused by the anti depressant, the anti anxiety meds, but also by the depression and anxiety themselves. It's possible he may need a mood stabilizer going forward. But that's the realm of a specialist.
Get him a referral to a Psych if he doesn't already have one. The wait times are long, so the sooner you act, the sooner he'll get in.


----------



## justlistening (Jan 23, 2020)

aquarius1 said:


> stairwaytoheaven said:
> 
> 
> > We had a long talk last night. He is calling the doctor on Monday to see if he can come in. His next appointment which was supposed to be in March, he was going to ask for a higher dosage of clonazepam because he says it’s not working for him. I think his body has just built up a tolerance to this. Now, Friday I asked him not to take it to see if it helped but it didn’t, I think he was having withdrawal symptoms from it, so maybe he is addicted to it? I looked up the long term side effects and it said a lower libido. Like I said he’s been taking it since October and it says to take 1 AS NEEDED and sometimes he says he takes 2-3. I will make sure he is switched off this medication. The other medications, one is for his overactive thyroid and the other is lexapro(anti depressant)
> ...


Yes

You NEVER tell someone to go cold turkey for a few days to "see what happens." I am actually appalled at this. Good grief!


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Medications can really screw up the ability to have an orgasm. Been there done that. Thankfully I was only on one new medication, so I knew the cause. That stuff went in the trash can. I can't even remember what it was or why I was taking it.


----------



## stairwaytoheaven (Dec 15, 2013)

He’s being handled by his regular doctor at work. They have never done an assessment on him. He didn’t take his medication again today and he’s doing fine. The doctor isn’t in tomorrow it’s a holiday.


----------



## stairwaytoheaven (Dec 15, 2013)

justlistening said:


> aquarius1 said:
> 
> 
> > stairwaytoheaven said:
> ...


It’s working for him. Be appalled all you want.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

TJW said:


> There's also the bias which comes from the fact, that in modern-day health care, the doctor is being hierarchically managed to deliver specific care regimens which are tailored financially more than medically. Like having 8 minutes per patient. My primary-care doctor once laid it out for me. This guy once had his own practice, but delivering the kind of care he wanted to deliver, with the rising cost of insurance, ran him out of business.
> 
> He joined a large corporately-owned practice, which was heavily dictatorial, to the point of production-line medicine. No longer has time to seriously evaluate the treatment plan. He has to write the script as he's walking out the door to next patient.
> 
> The care plan was already decided. He was there to simply satisfy laws and regulations which require a doctor to sign the scripts.


That's definitely true. I've never had a doc who only had eight minutes, but have had some where you could tell they were stretched thin.

I just mentioned my observation because there aren't really any obvious signs when you have a doctor who doesn't share your treatment goals. IOW, you know your doc is busy and might be overworked because he just zips in and out, misses stuff that you've already told him, etc. But how can you look at your doc and know that he's just not worried about side effects and relationship impacts of your treatment?


----------



## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

too much porn and masturbation can cause difficulty and even prevent PIV orgasm
for men.


----------



## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

For me, sex is all about the closeness and connection I get with my wife. It's very rare for me to finish as well but doesn't mean a lot to me; it's not the end game. 

I would hate if my wife put so much emphasis on finishing; it would totally turn me off. I would probably be hesitant to have sex if I felt I were being monitored. Me not finishing has absolutely nothing to do with her, it's my issue. It wouldn't matter if I were bedding a supermodel, I still would have the problem.

Lay off him and just enjoy the closeness you both receive from the act. Just imagine if the problem were the other way around and he acted like you. How would that make you feel?


----------

