# when trust is broken... how to move on?



## wifeinlove (Apr 29, 2010)

My husband sent me a text this morning saying "any objections to me going to the gym tonight?" I didnt reply. What should I have said? No? I dont want him to go, I dont trust him- but what does working on our marriage involve? Him being my prisoner, coming home straight after work? I dont want to be this awful tyrant. 

To give you a background my husband confessed 3 months ago he was cheating on me for years (most of our married life) with random sexual acts and 2 very short (2-week) relationships. We have been separated for 3 months, but recently for the sake of our history and our kids and the fact we still love eacthother have decided to give the marriage another go.

The thing is, I dont know how this is going to work because sometimes I start thinking "is he where he says he is?". Im ok with him going to work, counselling and going out with people I know (mutual family/friends). But can't cope with any other activities- ie gym, sports- that involve him making a whole network of friends I dont know about. I mean thats opportunity right?

What have others done? How do you re-gain trust?


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

realistically you can't keep him prisoner and if he is going to cheat he will even if he lets you know where he is at  My H was having a emotional affair....something he still is denying. For awhile I thought I could keep him a prisoner watching him every minute and in the end when I was watching EVERYTHING it all blew up in my face and he still found a way(many) to be with this women  

If you really want to have this marriage work you have to completely forgive him for everything he has done and move on....this is something you may or may not be able to do and have to really do some soul searching this is what I am doing right now. 

Have you guys been to counseling?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

My marriage counselor made an "odd" comparison one day to house training a dog. If you never let it out of its crate, you'll never know if its truly been house trained or not.

You have to give it a chance if you want to find out what will happen. 

And, you know what's reasonable. An hour at the gym is probably reasonable, as long as he's not sleeping with his phone, etc., etc...

Or - to take my counselor's comparison a bit further - are you seeing any unusual stains on the floor or noticing any odd odors - any signs that the old habits might be returning? If not, give him a chance.


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

It is tough to trust again after an affair, but you do need to trust him. Let him go the gym, and ask him how long he plans to be gone (without anger or accusing or anything). Part of his regaining your trust is to be accountable for his actions, to you or another male friend...that's an unfortunate price to pay, but you don't need to attack him either. And yes, you will probably sit at home the entire time and freak out, but hug him when gets in the door and see if he smells like the gym or offer to unload his gym bag into the washing machine for him


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