# Couples with active sex lives



## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

Ok most of the threads here are about folks with almost no sex life.

How many of you have an ACTIVE sex life with your spouse? We are not newlyweds by time, but even after 21 years together we often are mistaken as newlyweds.

Recently my doctor put me on Paxil. After a month I went back and told her we had to try something else because it killed my libido and even when I was in the mood my equipment would not respond. She wanted to give me Viagra until I explained that we have sex at least 5x a week and that would be too expensive. Now trying Flexxor, only been a few days but seems to be doing the trick. She was absolutely amazed that we do it that often. Our friends that really know us know this to be true, while acquaintences think we are exaggerating.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

You might want to define active, possibly something a little less than "at least 5 times a week" if you want any responses at all


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Do you guys also have kids? Just curious....


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

yeah we have an 11 and a 7 year old. 

I define active as more than once a week, though for some once a blue moon is probably an uptick!


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Your my new hero.....😬


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Before my ex husband's sex addiction destroyed him, we had sex daily and sometimes multiple times per day. This went on for 8 years. 

I would still be at that rate if I had a willing partner. 

Now my average is zero in the last 8 months.

Man, that is sad to type. 

I'm happy to hear that you are so happy and giddy with each other after all these years. That's fantastic.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

As one of the many here who did not have an active sex life in my marriage, I'd like to ask you a few questions, and I mean them sincerely, because if I ever marry again, I want to make sure I get it right.

Do you and your wife ever use sex toys or role-playing or leather/bondage or other such things to "spice it up," or are you enough in love with each other that you make (or express your) love when you have sex, and don't need props to make it work?

How much time do you spend alone together (not counting sleeping), just the two of you w/o the kids, every week?

Have you always had sex about 5x a week, or is that less (or more) often than you did early in your relationship or before you had kids?

Has sex gotten better the longer you've been together?

On a scale of 1 to 10, how emotionally bonded do you feel your wife and you are, 10 being the most? i.e., do you share everything you're feeling with her openly at all times and vice-versa, or do you keep some things to yourself?


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

ah the memories...


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Nomorebeans said:


> Do you and your wife ever use sex toys or role-playing or leather/bondage or other such things to "spice it up," or are you enough in love with each other that you make (or express your) love when you have sex, and don't need props to make it work?


I am curious why you think "spicing it up" means that you do not love your partner enough. Or that you need that to make it work.

I personally think it is good to try new things. It's like having a favorite recipe and trying to make it different sometimes. Otherwise you get tired of eating the same thing.

I know the questions were not directed at me. I am just curous.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

happy2gether said:


> yeah we have an 11 and a 7 year old.
> 
> I define active as more than once a week, though for some once a blue moon is probably an uptick!



Once a week yes

Every week no, on a good streak might go once a week for a month or perhaps two. Generally 2 to 3 times per month. 

On a bad streak less. Any stress on my wife makes things iffy, last three months have been stressful for her and it shows up guess where? 0, 2, 1...


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> As one of the many here who did not have an active sex life in my marriage, I'd like to ask you a few questions, and I mean them sincerely, because if I ever marry again, I want to make sure I get it right.
> 
> Do you and your wife ever use sex toys or role-playing or leather/bondage or other such things to "spice it up," or are you enough in love with each other that you make (or express your) love when you have sex, and don't need props to make it work? Yes we use toys and props some, but 95% of the time no. We sometimes bring in another person/couple, but that is maybe once every few months to sometimes years between. Just when the mood strikes us. We don't HAVE to do that, we just sometimes decide to act out a fantasy.
> 
> ...


the BIGGEST thing about getting it right is finding someone that not only compliments you but that you compliment as well. I don't mean verbally, but emotionally and mentally.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

We celebrated our 25th anniversary this year in June. We still have what I think now to be a very active sex life. It is a lot more active now than during years 5-20 years of our marriage when we had 4 young kids and stresses of 3 major moves and job changes. During those times we were putting the kids before ourselves too much. We probably had sex about once a week and it dropped to once a month towards year 20. I was getting very disconnected and was upset about the lack of sex and connection. I told my husband that we technically had a sexless marriage. Our 2 oldest were leaving the nest and I could not see staying in a sexless marriage once the other 2 were gone (in 2 more years and counting). I think part of the decline in years 15-20 was that H had gained a lot of weight over the years and was having issues with delayed ejaculation. 

In the last 2 years, we made a concerted effort to turn our marriage (and sex life) around. He has lost 60+ pounds (and gained 20 back but lost that again).  The DE has greatly improved and lots more is possible without all that extra weight. Plus I was hitting a hormone induced libido spike as I went into menopause. I started tracking things and we seem to be at a level of about 3 times a week. But some months much higher. July was a good month with part of it kid free - 24 times (I count all sexual encounters since for a while intercourse wasn't working for H, so we do other things). So things are good! We are 53 (me) and 62 (him).


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I was with my XWW for almost 17 years and married for 13, and we have two kids. When we first got together we were having sex almost every day but slowly tapered off over the years to only about 2-3 times per week. When she started her affair the quantity and quality dropped off very rapidly because she apparently couldn't be attracted to two people at once. Most of the sex was pretty routine with occasional porn star nights mixed in. We tried just about everything throughout the years, though. We had a really good marriage and a really strong bond together until her affair, which is probably why our sex life went that well for us. It also made it an easy choice to divorce her once that bond was broken.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

After 16 years, we do have some peaks and valleys. The dips are to perhaps 5x a week, typical is 6-10x a week now, which is a modest decline from the early years of 10-15x - part of the decline is due to long-term illness and injuries. We are simply very compatible in all ways, and still in love and lust with each other. Peaks do occur, such as 5x in the last 24 hours, or the weekend a while back with 11x in 48 hours - of course, these aren't typical or sustainable, but we thoroughly enjoy them when they happen.

@Nomorebeans :

_Do you and your wife ever use sex toys or role-playing or leather/bondage or other such things to "spice it up," or are you enough in love with each other that you make (or express your) love when you have sex, and don't need props to make it work?_
We'll use toys, very occasionally, but otherwise don't use/need props. 

_ How much time do you spend alone together (not counting sleeping), just the two of you w/o the kids, every week?_
Kids are now all adults, so most of our free time is us-time.

_ Have you always had sex about 5x a week, or is that less (or more) often than you did early in your relationship or before you had kids?_
That's been the minimum lately - normal for us is a lot more, even when the kids were at home.

_ Has sex gotten better the longer you've been together?_
Yes. We keep learning new things and trying new things, and get better at the old things.

_ On a scale of 1 to 10, how emotionally bonded do you feel your wife and you are, 10 being the most? i.e., do you share everything you're feeling with her openly at all times and vice-versa, or do you keep some things to yourself?_
I'd say 10. We do keep minor things to ourselves at times, I think, but always share and discuss _anything_ that can/does affect our relationship.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

We have been together almost 20 years and sometimes could be mistaken for newlyweds, as long as being Medicare-eligible doesn't disqualify us. >


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## Big Tree (Jul 25, 2014)

Married 22 years. Me (48) and She (48) had infrequent sex for many of those years...one to three times a month. Big shift in our marriage three years ago. We are averaging 13 times a month over the last three years. These have been really good years outside of our sex life too.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Big Tree said:


> Married 22 years. Me (48) and She (48) had infrequent sex for many of those years...one to three times a month. Big shift in our marriage three years ago. We are averaging 13 times a year over the last three. These have been really good years outside of our sex life too.


You went from one to three times a month to 13 times a year and that's an improvement?


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

24 years married and twice a week. 
It's good, real good. Every time we finish I say to myself, "how can I duplicate this next time?"
Somehow, someway it happens almost every time. I rate and tabulate every sexual encounter we have. I rate the experience 1 - 10. The last 6 months it's been a steady 9 or 10. 
Typically I do something really stupid at some point and we drop to a 6 or 7 and then back to 9 or 10 after a week.

Lately my wife has been thinking ahead. Just tonight our two youngest will be at Lacross practice and our oldest mentally handicapped child sleeps like a rock (THANK GOD) and goes to bed at 7:00pm. Wife already told me it's game on tonight.

Was it always like this? Hell no! However, I'm going to ride this train all the way, even if I have to hang on by my fingernails.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Nomorebeans said:


> As one of the many here who did not have an active sex life in my marriage, I'd like to ask you a few questions, and I mean them sincerely, because if I ever marry again, I want to make sure I get it right.
> 
> Do you and your wife ever use sex toys or role-playing or leather/bondage or other such things to "spice it up," or are you enough in love with each other that you make (or express your) love when you have sex, and don't need props to make it work? Married 21 years. We did used sex toys but my W finds my package much better. Sometimes I restrain my W arms with my hands and that turns her on. Not much more than that. No role playing. We are very much in love and sex is no hole barred express yourself freak flag good time. We explore heavily with our mouths/tongues. As a result, we do not always have intercourse as the time spent exploring is always enough to reach our O. We throw down 3-4 times a week. I'm very much in love with my W and she with me that sexual expression is wanted, comfortable and rewarding.
> 
> ...


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## woodyh (Oct 23, 2015)

Active, but not like yours. We are once or twice a week most weeks and never more than twice, wife's limit is twice, period, don't even ask for more than that. Some weeks get skipped too.

Me, I think I would be really happy with 3 times a week, enough to make it exciting, not get bored etc. But enough to be satisfied. At once or twice a week, my bucket is not full as they say and I feel
like I am hungry a lot.


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## Big Tree (Jul 25, 2014)

technovelist said:


> You went from one to three times a month to 13 times a year and that's an improvement?


I would be confused too. I wrote year and meant to write month. Sorry


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I have never been in a sexless relationship. Just flat out REFUSE to be part of one which is exactly why I think I never have been. I am with a live in girlfriend now 3-4 times a week. When I was married, 10th year of knowing her, was still 2-3 times a week.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

We are only 4 years together but both from past passionless marriages and neither of us will ever waste our lives like that again. Me almost 49 and he is almost 55, sex is daily usually, weekends more than daily. We have a blended family of 5 teenagers and very busy lives.


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## Normalguy062302 (Dec 30, 2015)

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. We still have sex around 3 to 5 times a week. I think that's healthy. Both physically and emotionally. Physically because it's exercise (enjoyable exercise) and emotionally because you are connecting with your significant other. We plan to continue the trend well into our later years. We are both in our late 30's. It hasn't always been easy. Sometimes we employ the use of toys, erection pills, and other things to spice it up a little and make it different. Lately, we have experimented with alternate types of sex (more oral sex, different positions, and anal sex.) the important thing I guess is that we work on it all the time. It's never just the same old same old thing. Maybe that's the key...switch it up and keep it interesting. Short disclaimer: We only try new things with each other, never somebody else. That would be a deal breaker for her, so I never go find sex anywhere other than with my wife. That being said....yes, we are sexually active after 15 years of marriage. I'll be honest...when my wife wears some tight clothes around the house, it turns me on. That's good enough for me.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

For those of you who have been married a long time and still have frequent sex, what do you feel is the difference in your relationship and those whose sex life dries up?

I realize you don't know the personal details of those who have issues, but I'm sure you have read about issues on this site and such, so what do you feel is the difference?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

southbound said:


> For those of you who have been married a long time and still have frequent sex, what do you feel is the difference in your relationship and those whose sex life dries up?
> 
> I realize you don't know the personal details of those who have issues, but I'm sure you have read about issues on this site and such, so what do you feel is the difference?[/QUOTE
> 
> Some will tolerate a low sex drive and others won't. If you are unwilling to rock the boat up to and including divorce then you literally have nothing to negotiate with. Essentially what those people are saying is sex is important to me but not more important to me as my marriage, my kids, my money whatever the reason Being. That's a perfectly legitimate choice if you want to live that way. Others, myself included, wouldn't put those things above an active sex life. So basically it's really just how much a priority you are willing to make it. What are you willing to do to get it. What are you willing to lose to have it...


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

happy2gether said:


> Ok most of the threads here are about folks with almost no sex life.
> 
> How many of you have an ACTIVE sex life with your spouse? We are not newlyweds by time, but even after 21 years together we often are mistaken as newlyweds.
> 
> Recently my doctor put me on Paxil. After a month I went back and told her we had to try something else because it killed my libido and even when I was in the mood my equipment would not respond. She wanted to give me Viagra until I explained that we have sex at least 5x a week and that would be too expensive. Now trying Flexxor, only been a few days but seems to be doing the trick. She was absolutely amazed that we do it that often. Our friends that really know us know this to be true, while acquaintences think we are exaggerating.



Reason for low sex drives.....WEDDING CAKE.:grin2:


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Reason for low sex drives.....WEDDING CAKE.:grin2:


My ex is allergic to eggs, he didn't have any of the wedding cake so your theory is well wrong >

Like I said earlier in the thread we are a new couple of 4 years, sex has been amazing and plentiful from day one, yay us. So a question for the long term couples here..... do you find you still went through big upswings in quality even if the quality was good from the start?

We have entered into a phase that is simply blowing me away. The style is no where near as wild as it was a few months ago but the connection is amazing. I am not overly emotionally connect with or from sex but wow what we have going on ATM is incredible.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Holland said:


> My ex is allergic to eggs, he didn't have any of the wedding cake so your theory is well wrong >
> 
> Like I said earlier in the thread we are a new couple of 4 years, sex has been amazing and plentiful from day one, yay us. So a question for the long term couples here..... do you find you still went through big upswings in quality even if the quality was good from the start?
> 
> We have entered into a phase that is simply blowing me away. The style is no where near as wild as it was a few months ago but the connection is amazing. I am not overly emotionally connect with or from sex but wow what we have going on ATM is incredible.


The feed from the security camera on that ATM is likely to be one of the more interesting ones. >


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

southbound said:


> For those of you who have been married a long time and still have frequent sex, what do you feel is the difference in your relationship and those whose sex life dries up?
> 
> I realize you don't know the personal details of those who have issues, but I'm sure you have read about issues on this site and such, so what do you feel is the difference?


Well, in our case I think it is a few things:

1. We have both kept in good shape.
2. We don't have any serious money problems and are mostly on the same page about spending.
3. I maintain a reasonable balance between alpha and beta.
4. Although we are both home most of the time, we have our separate interests rather than living in each others' pockets.
5. We started out very interested in each other sexually.

And I'm sure there are other intangibles that I can't identify.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

That is so gorgeous OliviaG

As I said, emotional connection during, before, after sex has never been a big factor for me, ever but have always been HD and enjoyed sex for the sake of it. My SO has a much bigger emotional need for the connection, he "makes love" where as I "have sex". 
The emotional connection we are currently enjoying during sex is just amazing, maybe more so because it has never been important to me and this is off the charts.

All the best for the New Year to you.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Married 21 years now. Right now we have an 8 month old who won't sleep in the crib so that's dropped us to 1-2 times a week. Normally we're 1+ per day and have been for most of the relationship.


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

happy2gether said:


> How many of you have an ACTIVE sex life with your spouse?


Not us. Married 16 years, once every 6 weeks or thereabouts.

We haven't had sex 5x a week since our first couple months of marriage. 

Regarding Paxil, there are lots of different drugs that can help with various emotional issues that do no have sexual side effects. You just need to try each one until you find the one that works for you.


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## cmc (Aug 30, 2013)

We are usually about 5 times a week. Not always conventional sex but conventional and oral. We do mix up how we do it. Some form of bondage is usually involved, with my husband being the dom most of the time, but I have my moments. I also really enjoy the emotional part. One of my favorite moments is the post sex spooning. My husband will pull me close to him and swing his leg and arms around me. He's a bit taller so I fit right under his chin. He holds me so tight I don't have much range of movement but I never have the desire to move. I feel so free and protected. Not sure why. My husband will also take a few liberties and massage my breasts and move his hand between my legs. Even after it's over he's still really into me. Helps build up for the next time.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

I'm new here, but I have always been curious. I am 54, have been married over 19 years, and have two daughters. The eldest is in college, while the baby is a sophomore in high school.

In response to the original question..., my wife and I have sex 5 to 6 times a week. She just turned 50, but I am still extremely attracted to her. I have learned over the years what makes her tick, and it's definitely still a learning process.

What happens to most couples as they grow older is they gain weight. We have each gained about 30 lbs since we were married. She wore a size 1, sometimes a size 2, when we married. Her breasts grew exponentially after our second daughter. She went from a 34C / 36B to a very tight 36C. Yes, sometimes she has self-image problems, but I can tell you now she looks very good naked, and I tell her that all the time. I am being totally honest when I say it, too.

Sorry if this is too much info, but she is still HOT to me, and I love her now more than ever.


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## MichelleR (Jan 6, 2016)

It's hard to say a specific number because I don't count, you know? We vary a lot but a minimum of once a week when we are at our busiest. We also have three kids ages 5, 2 and 9 months. We both work full time and are exhausted and also get sick fairly often because of stress and kids getting sick. Most weeks these days it's 3 or 4 times but mostly concentrated on Fridays through Sundays.

Before kids we were more regular (3 to 6 times a week maybe?) and I think it'll go up when we have more time. Pregnancy with my daughters really killed my sex drive too so we went down during those times as well. Even now when we are both so tired and not having sex quite as often he says he's happy and I'm happy as well. Our sex is pretty awesome when it happens too.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Outside of the first six months or so of the relationship I have failed to have anything close to what I'd call an active sex life. I think active is subjective to the individual but for me active would be twice or more in a week. Try as I might I have been unable to get even close to that frequency in either of two failed relationships.

Over the final several years, once a week on a regular basis wasn't attainable either. Just left the second relationship a week ago and frankly I'm not even looking forward to starting another relationship because I just envision this same issue coming up again.


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## Derkel (Jan 16, 2016)

Good lord. If your getting that often what do you need the Paxil for. Lol. Good for you guys.


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## Kilgoretrout (Feb 2, 2016)

Abc123wife said:


> We celebrated our 25th anniversary this year in June. We still have what I think now to be a very active sex life. It is a lot more active now than during years 5-20 years of our marriage when we had 4 young kids and stresses of 3 major moves and job changes. During those times we were putting the kids before ourselves too much. We probably had sex about once a week and it dropped to once a month towards year 20. I was getting very disconnected and was upset about the lack of sex and connection. I told my husband that we technically had a sexless marriage. Our 2 oldest were leaving the nest and I could not see staying in a sexless marriage once the other 2 were gone (in 2 more years and counting). I think part of the decline in years 15-20 was that H had gained a lot of weight over the years and was having issues with delayed ejaculation.
> 
> In the last 2 years, we made a concerted effort to turn our marriage (and sex life) around. He has lost 60+ pounds (and gained 20 back but lost that again). The DE has greatly improved and lots more is possible without all that extra weight. Plus I was hitting a hormone induced libido spike as I went into menopause. I started tracking things and we seem to be at a level of about 3 times a week. But some months much higher. July was a good month with part of it kid free - 24 times (I count all sexual encounters since for a while intercourse wasn't working for H, so we do other things). So things are good! We are 53 (me) and 62 (him).


This is a great post
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

My wife and I have been married for almost 6 years, and together for 15 years overall. I don't know about active, but my wife knows that I am HD, and will break me off with "service" BJ's and HJ's every other day to keep me from climbing the walls. Actual PIV intercourse is a rarity though, because of either fatigue from work, fibroids or some other pain. 

We've been trying to conceive, but she thinks that she can use her ovulation "happy face" instrument, have sex ONCE that month, the Disney fairy will wave her magic wand and she'll get pregnant.


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## Ruby210 (Oct 14, 2015)

We're both turning 43 this year, we've been married 22 years and we have 4 kids. 3 times a week is pretty typical for us. Luckily we have pretty matched drives and look forward to every encounter.


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## Kilgoretrout (Feb 2, 2016)

Ruby210 said:


> We're both turning 43 this year, we've been married 22 years and we have 4 kids. 3 times a week is pretty typical for us. Luckily we have pretty matched drives and look forward to every encounter.


That is excellent. We don't have sex as much as we would like due to exhaustion of having small kids. When we do have it is quite good usually
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kilgoretrout (Feb 2, 2016)

Ruby210 said:


> We're both turning 43 this year, we've been married 22 years and we have 4 kids. 3 times a week is pretty typical for us. Luckily we have pretty matched drives and look forward to every encounter.


It also helps that kids are older I would imagine
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Naku (May 26, 2013)

We're about 15x a month, so every other day. You do need to be careful with the antidepressants. Paxil turned me into a zombie, but wellbutrin is like speed. Also, there is genuine generic viagra. They come in 20mg tablets. Often, if it's related to other meds or you just need a little help, one will do it. At $0.50 a pop (or bang), it's affordable. You can ask your doctor for Sildenafil 20 mg Tablets. They're generic for Revatio, which is another use for the chemical in viagra. 

I read Athol Kay's sex tips in "Married Man Sex Life Primer" and they worked. I also read "The sex god method". Don't laugh.


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## Ruby210 (Oct 14, 2015)

B


Kilgoretrout said:


> Ruby210 said:
> 
> 
> > We're both turning 43 this year, we've been married 22 years and we have 4 kids. 3 times a week is pretty typical for us. Luckily we have pretty matched drives and look forward to every encounter.
> ...


It does but even when they were little we never lost the spark. I remember not waiting the full 6 weeks after childbirth because we were both missing it..


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