# Any advice about this confusing time?



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Husband I have been married for 7yrs and have one child.

We want to have another child, like getting pregnant within the next year.

The past couple of months we have been bickering, not communicating well etc. We have been going to marriage counseling.

At first I thought it wasn't helping because we were arguing more, but now I see BOTH of us putting in a lot more effort and things seem better. A lot of our struggles are being stressed from work, probably not getting enough sleep, not thinking about how our words affect the other, communication, etc. 

So through this it made me worry about having this 2nd kid. I definitely want to and have faith in our marriage, but I guess because of all the fighting in the last month, it really kind of opened my eyes to learn how to fix this or make it better so we don't argue as much (or as loudly).

Just wondering if anyone else has felt like this. A part of me says, have some faith, things will never be perfect and just let go a little and look at the age gap between kids already (more than I wanted it to be). The other part of me says be 100% sure, really think through this...99% of the time I know my husband is the right person for me. That 1% of the time make me waver...

Anyways, anybody else feel like this?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Think very hard about bringing another child into this marriage

I would suggest counciling to strengthen your marriage first!


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Think very hard about bringing another child into this marriage
> 
> I would suggest counciling to strengthen your marriage first!


We have been going (as mentioned in my post)


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

yellowstar said:


> 99% of the time I know my husband is the right person for me. That 1% of the time make me waver...


That's not a bad percentage. 

Stay with counseling a little longer, and maybe bring this up in a session if it still bothers you. The fact that things are improving, is a good sign. Even though you wanted your kids' ages to be closer together, try not to get too worried about that. Whenever you have your second child, it will be a blessing. Don't rush, but have faith because things have started to look up.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

credamdóchasgra said:


> That's not a bad percentage.
> 
> Stay with counseling a little longer, and maybe bring this up in a session if it still bothers you. The fact that things are improving, is a good sign. Even though you wanted your kids' ages to be closer together, try not to get too worried about that. Whenever you have your second child, it will be a blessing. Don't rush, but have faith because things have started to look up.


Thank you. 

I keep telling myself there are no guarantees in life so I need to be more reasonable about my expectations. I do trust husband and feel strongly that he is committed (as he says, "I'm not going anywhere"). We both have talked about no matter the ups and downs, we are both committed to staying together and making each other happy so we can get through anything. 

Things have seem to have gotten better recently, I do see more effort from him in communicating more, understanding my stressors, learning what I find to be respectful/disrespectful, etc. I am also learning to 'argue' in a more constructive way, or to step away and cool down before losing it. It's a process...I have to learn that this may never be perfect and that's ok. Right?

Sorry for rambling, just working through these thoughts still...


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Totally makes sense. Like you, I don't want to have kids (we don't have any yet) until i feel we have some stability. But I definitely want a family. It's really hard to trust that things will keep improving, that he'll stick with MC, and at some point I'll have enough feeling of peace and security with him to know we're "ready" to give it a go. It's kind of an icky feeling.

I haven't read your whole story, but from what you've said here, even though things aren't perfect, it is really good to have that reassurance from him that he's committed to trying his best to work through things with you; he sounds like a partner. If I got that reassurance from my husband on a consistent basis, I'd be very appreciative.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Totally makes sense. Like you, I don't want to have kids (we don't have any yet) until i feel we have some stability. But I definitely want a family. It's really hard to trust that things will keep improving, that he'll stick with MC, and at some point I'll have enough feeling of peace and security with him to know we're "ready" to give it a go. It's kind of an icky feeling.
> 
> I haven't read your whole story, but from what you've said here, even though things aren't perfect, it is really good to have that reassurance from him that he's committed to trying his best to work through things with you; he sounds like a partner. If I got that reassurance from my husband on a consistent basis, I'd be very appreciative.



Thanks  Going to MC we've learned where our 'imperfections' have come from. There are many different things from how we grew up to how we may have misread each other that creates conflict. But it is expected when we're both working like crazy, have a house, 2 dogs and a toddler. We are learning more now that we need to cut back a bit in priorities, and get more sleep (seriously, this was impacting us!). 

Anyways, it's 7yrs of marriage but 12yrs of being together. I am realizing also that we did have some of these same communication problems BEFORE having our child, but throw a kid into the mix, you're more tired, stressed and maybe think it's because you have a kid now. We both could have learned to communicate better and not act so immaturely in arguments BEFORE having our kid, so we wouldn't be learning now. I guess better late than never. 

One thing I've noticed also since going to MC is that DH is a lot more willing to set aside time at home to talk and I feel that he listens more to my concerns now (where as before it seemed like he was listening but just placating).

Anyways, I hope you and your spouse get to a good place. It's also a good reminder though that there will never be a perfect time, relationship, circumstance, amount of $ to have a baby. I think listening to your gut feeling is a good way to go.


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