# Red Flags



## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

In light that i have elected to go the divorce route, and eventually i will date again, i ask the following question. what are some red flags that you have seen while dating or in early marriage that one should look for to indicate someone is a cheater, or sustaplable to cheating. i have had two wives cheat on me in under two years of marriage, i obviously am not the best judge of character. thoughts?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Their friends - are they friends who condone cheating? Are they themselves current/past cheaters? 

How they react to meeting men - are they the type that are constantly seeking attention, help, validation from males?

How to they react to women - do they see them as threats, friends, co-conspirators?

I also think how they unwind is important. Do they have healthy ways to shed stream, or does it require girls-nights-out, and lots of male attention to get them feeling good again?

Another, is do they take and accept personal responsibility? If they mess up do they accept the blame and consequences or blame soemeone else and try to weasel out ?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

After going through this twice, your spidey senses should tingle a lot sooner than they have in teh past if something is OFF.

I think you know all the classic signs--watch out for them.

Trust but verify in future relationships. And know that anyone can cheat in a relationship. People will or they won't. There is no guarantee. Just as there is no guarantee any relationship will last.

Establishing boundaries = very good.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

radioclashx said:


> People often cheat in marriage because their emotional needs are not being met.


Even people who are happily married can have an affair according to Dr Shirley Glass PhD in her book 'Not Just Friends'. It is all about being cognizant about not crossing marital boundaries (i.e. avoid being constantly alone with an attractive member of the opposite sex; avoid sharing deeply personal information regarding ones marriage with a member of the opposite sex; avoid constant business travel away from home with a member of the opposite sex, etc.). Unmet emotional needs (i.e. affection, attention, sexual fulfillment) can create an environment ripe for an affair to occur, but if there is no crossing of marital boundaries, there can be no affair.

Sometimes it can be difficult to pick up any red flags. Especially if the person is good at compartmentalizing their primary relationship with their clandestine relationship. Nevertheless, sooner or later, liars slip up and it just takes a small effort on our part to start uncovering their web of deceit until the truth is revealed.


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## thesecondfront (Dec 4, 2011)

This is a good discussion. I know that I always fail to establish boundaries at the start of a relationship, and later on people get hurt. This probably goes for the vast majority of people.


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## Santofimio (Oct 26, 2011)

Watch out for girls who's friends aren't really good friends, just bar buddies. They'll either have enablers later on, or nobody to talk to about the relationship.

Also if they seem to have guy friends from their single life that they still randomly interact with here and there. It doesn't mean she wants him, it means she already had him & he was terrible, but they ended up just friends after.


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

Santofimio said:


> Watch out for girls who's friends aren't really good friends, just bar buddies. They'll either have enablers later on, or nobody to talk to about the relationship.
> 
> Also if they seem to have guy friends from their single life that they still randomly interact with here and there. It doesn't mean she wants him, it means she already had him & he was terrible, but they ended up just friends after.


So. True.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

I know right? who has this happen to them twice...sometimes i wonder if there is something wrong with me


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Watch out for any sign of promiscuity before the marriage. If the woman has been divorced, find out how her first marriage ended. Find out the family origin whether she had a good upbringing and what her inlaws are like in terms of their moral chracters and life style.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

You want to know how she will handle conflict, how she will deal with uncomfortable situations, how she feels about honesty and lying and concealing things or stretching truths, and also how she seems to handle responsibility. Trust is based on understanding, I think. If you can understand some of these things, then I think you have a better chance at building trust. I'd suggest looking for any behavior that suggests she is not likely to have integrity, honesty, or forthrightness in those places that I've mentioned. And, look at how her friends and family behave, like who she hangs out with and how she treats people, and even how she talks about people with whom she has had a falling out or fight. How people handle tough situations and even how they talk about them can tell you a great deal about how they might behave with you. That's what I'd suggest looking at.


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