# Marriage separation - moving out, no contact?



## seastorm (Jun 27, 2017)

Hi all,

Wanted to share my story and see if anyone has any opinions/advice.

Almost three months ago, my husband of 2 years (together for 6) said he wanted to break up. I am 24, he is 29.
Initially I was shocked and resisted, got quite angry and told him I believe marriage is a commitment and we would work through it. His mind was made up, and eventually I had to listen to what he had to say. 
He said he had been thinking about it for a very long time, and he thinks we'd be much better as best friends. Our relationship was full of small arguments, and a few unspoken issues that led me in particular to feel resentful and pick at him/nag. 

Most of our communication has been via text message because he travels for work a lot. Conversations in person tended to end in huge, tearful arguments. We are moving out of our house soon, and I am moving to live hundreds of miles away. 

I've had every possible type of argument with him since this began. I told him how sad I was. I told him how angry I was for things that had happened throughout our relationship. It's got to the point where we are both so angry at each other for how we've dealt with this and we are now both aware that we're going into a period of No Contact.

I do want him back, but knowing how headstrong he is and how he is good at focusing on something new very quickly, I think it's highly unlikely. He wanted the break up to be smooth and easy, and for us to immediately transition into being happy best friends. I felt he had to take responsibility and have the difficult conversations. Friends say he's going through a grass is always greener mid life crisis type thing, and once he lives a free spirit life for a few months, he'll regret his decision. 

I just feel lost, he's all I've ever known, my first everything. I am changing my job and my living situation and I know I have to take a long social media break for my own wellbeing. (He keeps saying he's moving on with his life and I should be happy for him, so the happy posts from him are going to continue.) 

One thing I could offer as advice for anyone in a similar situation where they feel their partner broke up with them very suddenly and pulled the rug out from under their feet, is that this is new to you and you're dealing with it for the first time. The person who initiates the break up has been thinking about it for months or years. They've dealt with a lot of the emotions you're already dealing with, so of course you're going to feel like you're playing catch up. 

I know No Contact is going to be very difficult for me. I think he will be quite unaffected for a long time - he's very social and constantly surrounded by friends. I am living in our house alone for another few weeks so I worry I will need to message him about something practical in the coming weeks. Should I do that and then begin NC all over again or should I use a close mutual friend to pass on messages? Would that be immature or would it let him know how serious I am about cutting contact?

Sorry for the ramble! I would love to feel less alone.

S x


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## ijdm (Jun 25, 2017)

seastorm said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Wanted to share my story and see if anyone has any opinions/advice.
> 
> ...



Similar situation myself, I keep communication to a minimum. She broke it off with me, so I only talk when I need to or she initiates the conversation.


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## seastorm (Jun 27, 2017)

ijdm said:


> Similar situation myself, I keep communication to a minimum. She broke it off with me, so I only talk when I need to or she initiates the conversation.


How long have you been apart / living apart?


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## ijdm (Jun 25, 2017)

seastorm said:


> How long have you been apart / living apart?


Living apart just a few days, but 3 weeks now of not being together. Its awkward, but in my situation Im just giving her the space she asked for.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Were you two having sex? A guying leaving all of a sudden and wanting it to be amicable, sounds like he has his sights on another female.


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## seastorm (Jun 27, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> Were you two having sex? A guying leaving all of a sudden and wanting it to be amicable, sounds like he has his sights on another female.


Yes things have always been good in that department.
I think he's definitely keen to try out life as a single guy and casually date, but there's no specific woman he is separating with me for, I'm sure of that.

I should add, it's not legal to get divorced where I live until you've been separated for two years, so we won't be getting divorced any time soon.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

He travels a lot and wants out. He is cheating. If he is, how do you feel then? He's likely already have had sex with others since your separation.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does him leaving like this cause you a financial problem? 

How are the two of you handling joint assets and bills? Has that been worked out?

It sounds like the two of you spent most of your marriage separate because of his traveling. It's very hard to maintain a relationship when you don't live together on a regular basis. Being away from each other breaks the bond.

By the way, he's too young to be having what is called a 'mid life crises'. So that's not it. He simply does not want to be married apparently.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Dont be surprised to find out he's had someone else for some time now. Going no contact is hard, but its really the only way to be able to move forward. Work on your tendency to pick/nag, because that is something you dont want to take into another relationship. Learn to talk about issues before they turn into resentment. I'm sorry you are here.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Best thing you can do is try your best to make a new life without him, makes friends, participate in hobbies, meet new people and do what you want.

I know its not nice but for me no contact at all worked the best, once she was out life got easier, we have kids but the past 2 weeks i have managed to just face time them direct and cut her out, I do get the occasional text but usually ignore even if to do with kids as generally it is just complaining.

He wants to keep you as an option while he does what he wants so the best thing you can do is move on and he might jump back when he see's his plan B going away or if not you are already moving on and in a better place.

I waited around trying to figure it all out and it tears you apart and then makes it even harder to go forward.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

@seastorm, you got the ILYBINILWY speech... and I know it hurts.

You may feel lost at the moment, but do you really want to be with somebody that doesn't want to be with you?

I have shared this before... my wife knows I’m sincere when I tell her that as much as I love her, if it comes to choosing between what she really wants for her life and me, do not choose me, that we will both be ok. I think this important because if the majority of being with me is not calming, does not support her growth, builds resentments, and makes her unhappy, then I am not the right choice.

I feel this strongly now (haven't always) because I realize there is nothing, absolutely nothing I can control in my partner.

They have to love me enough to be a volunteer, not a contract prisoner in a marriage.

If there is someone else, truth will surface soon enough and I wouldn't spend the energy looking as it will invite suffering that will not help as you begin walking a calming path.

If there isn't, and it may happen rarely, I fall back to my first part... his loss, although to a degree that is also your pain.

He is only a snapshot of all you will never know... you have so much more out there for you and it will bring a more true happiness that what you are leaving.

Best friends communicate better... perhaps kind acquaintances is more deserving for you both. 

In time you may even thank him for the opportunity to find that "volunteer" who can love you the way that compliments you best.

Peace be with you...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

seastorm said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Wanted to share my story and see if anyone has any opinions/advice.
> 
> ...


This is difficult right now but it sounds like your H may have enjoyed his freedom too much when travelling, it is also possible he met someone else. Guys are usually reluctant to leave a wife unless there is someone waiting in the sidelines. I would check that out because it might give you better terms in the divorce.

YOu should not want to hang onto this man for a few reasons,

1. he is not a keeper, he decides to FO when it is not convenient
2. He may be cheating

You should file for divorce and forget about the best friends rubbish (that really sounds like cheater speak tnh) and do the 180 on him.

Expose him to his family and friends and your family, tell them all what he has done. 
Try to get out and about, surround yourself with friends, family, join clubs etc, start living your life without him, fake it till you make it.


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