# International Marriage Struggle



## Xephon23 (Jul 14, 2008)

Dear Forum,

I am new here and could use some advice, criticism, and help in discussing some problems in my marriage.

My wife and I have been married for seven months. She is a Belgian and I am an American. We met at an American university and fell madly in love with each other almost six years ago. 

When she graduated and had to return to Belgium we began a long distance relationship. She lived with her parents and was unemployed for about a year. I remained in the states and found a job-it was not the greatest job but it put a roof over my head and kept me fed. It gave me strong health insurance as well as a basic sense of security. 

The long distance relationship lasted for over a year and a half. It was one of the most difficult times in my life. I was lonely, depressed, and struggling to understand my situation. I just wanted to move forward in my relationship with my Love. My priority was to be with her again and move forward together.

My then-girlfriend visited me and I asked her to marry me, she said Yes. I was ecstatic and longed to be with her more than ever. However, she did not want to move to live with me in the states because she thought it was too risky. She had fears that American health care isnt good enough--even though I had an excellent health plan at the time. She feared we wouldnt be able to make it financially. Yes, it would have been tough, but it was do-able. 

The long distance relationship went on for a year and a half. I was utterly miserable and lonely. She was lonely as well but afraid to come to the states even though she has a PHD and speaks fluent English. 

This went on and I got to a point where she and I had to be together or the relationship had to end. I was in too much misery and had to move up and on one way or another. She came over to get married, got cold feet, and went home. She then came back a few months later and apologised profusely for making me wait-she told me she has trouble with "change" and had been in a major depression and didnt know what to do with her life. She told me that the one thing she did know was that she loved me and wanted to be with me. 

She got a raise at her job and found a place much bigger than mine. I decided I would move over there to Belgium and try to get a new life started with my new wife in a new country. 

We talked about it. We agreed that we would try a life togther in Belgium and that if it didnt work we would return to the US.

I have been here in Belgium for seven months. I am unemployed and cant find a job. I tried taking language classes but my progress is very small-to the point where it is not worth it. My wife works all day and I spend the days looking for work. After seven months and no positive responses I want to go back to the US. Belgium is a dead end for me. I havent been happy in a long time. I am homesick as hell. I have to rely on my wife for too much here since I dont speak their languages. I want to go back to the states now and she is fighting it even though we agreed to do so previously.

I dont know what to do. Basically I have been miserable for the past +2 years trying to make this relationship work, first long distance and then trying to make it in a country where all the odds are stacked against me and I dont speak any of the languages. 

I love my woman. For the past two years I have dedicated myself to being with her. Now that I am with her, and feeling isolated and alone here I must acknowledge that not much has changed. When I talk about going back to the states she becomes agitated and difficult. This past weekend I tried talking about moving back to the states with her--she became depressed and stayed in bed for two days straight-I was scared and she just wanted me to leave her alone. 

I dont know what to do. How do I weigh my own happiness against the success of my marriage? I feel selfish and guilty for wanting to go back to the US. I really tried to make it work here, but my wife is telling me I didnt try hard enough. This hurts me more than anything-I find it insulting and as if she takes me for granted. I waited for her for a long time and even moved my whole life to a country where I am an outssider to be with her. I dont think most people would do that.

Sorry for writing so much. I hope my story makes sense. I am hurt, confused, and desperate. Thank you for your time and consideration. I am a young man but I feel old and dead inside. I feel like my life is being wasted. Sorry if this sounds melodramatic, please excuse me for that.

Best,
Xephon


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## LostInBritain (Nov 1, 2013)

Xephon23, I know you posted this more than 5 years ago but I am really interested to know how things worked out for you. I am in a similar situation now and trying to decide whether its all worth it.


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