# My 40 year old wife is never horny...and other things....



## studvt (Jun 7, 2020)

We have sex about once a month. What 40-year old woman only wants sex once a month? She said to me recently, she's content with "regular sex" and nothing kinky or new. WTF? So she basically is telling me she only wants boring sex? She tells me she needs more romance and effort towards affection. But sex is always on HER schedule, even though she would disagree with that statement. I also think this is a thyroid issue too. How do I get her to be a normal, horny, hot 40-year old?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

What has your sex like been like over time?
When did you notice a change?
Is she having other symptoms of thyroid problems?
Have you provided her with more romance on a consistent basis? If so, did that end in sex?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ok so wow. You think every 40 year old is hot and horny?

It sound like to me she is telling you one of the things she needs more romance and affection. 

Let's start with the basics. How old are you and your wife? How long have you been married? Do you have kids and what age are they? How was sex at the beginning of the marriage?

Is the once a month new or how long has it been going on?

How many hours a week do you two spend together doing couples things? Do you still date?

Have you tried any of the marriage books like love languages? Do you know what her love language is?


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## studvt (Jun 7, 2020)

Married 8 years, two kids 12 and 6. Sex at the beginning was fine; it's never been mind-blowing. She has a long list of things she does not like. I have no list. Yes, I could improve affection. Every other 40 year old I know is kinky and horny. She likes sex to be quick and then done. YES I believe she has thyroid issues, as she has many other symptoms that point to that. I've researched it shared my findings with her but she does not self-advocate and her primary says "she's fine" so she doesn't pursue further.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

studvt said:


> Married 8 years, two kids 12 and 6. Sex at the beginning was fine; it's never been mind-blowing. She has a long list of things she does not like. I have no list. Yes, I could improve affection. Every other 40 year old I know is kinky and horny. She likes sex to be quick and then done. YES I believe she has thyroid issues, as she has many other symptoms that point to that. I've researched it shared my findings with her but she does not self-advocate and her primary says "she's fine" so she doesn't pursue further.


This sounds like she doesn't actually like sex. That she sees it as more of an (albeit pleasant) obligation. Has she ever initiated sex, or expressed a desire for it, or have you been the only one to start things? Please note, even if rare, if and when she would start the ball rolling, so to speak.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I suppose you could try marriage counselling (she may resist, in which case you may have to make it a condition of not filing for divorce - yet). Maybe MC would persuade her to see a specialist to have other medical issues checked, or it may reveal issues with the relationship that you aren't aware of (perhaps something you've done or fail to do has turned her off to you), and you could work to change them. Anyway, if all this does not improve things, you have the option to divorce her. You're both too young for such a poor sex life.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

studvt said:


> How do I get her to be a normal, horny, hot 40-year old?


DeBeers sells a wide range of very expensive diamonds, but be warned, it doesn't work on all women, and the ones it does work on, the effect only lasts a few days.

All other things being equal, men and women have vastly different levels of testosterone. Disregarding for the moment the outliers, this affects the ''horniness'' levels between the sexes. Add in life stressors, undiagnosed mental and physical ailments, etc, etc, it becomes a tangled ball of string to unwind. 

The question you ask is nearly impossible for strangers to help with. Of all the people in the world, you should be one of them that know her best. Put some real effort in, learn what contributes to desire, try things (with low pressure), etc., this might be easily fixable.


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## Sockittomewife (Nov 30, 2018)

You should reeeaaallly read the 5 love languages! I think (most) men there top love languages is physical touch. You feel more loved when your wife wants sex. Your love glass is full! And when you get it on a regular, you feel very loved!

if your wife’s love language is quality time, and words of affirmation = if you don’t give her those things, her glass is NOT full. And when a women’s glass is half full she doesn’t feel as loved, and there for sex is not on the table if one of her love languages is not physical touch.

I would hiiighly recommend again! It really puts things into perspective and explained to me a lot about myself and my husband.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

studvt said:


> We have sex about once a month. What 40-year old woman only wants sex once a month? She said to me recently, she's content with "regular sex" and nothing kinky or new. WTF? So she basically is telling me she only wants boring sex? She tells me she needs more romance and effort towards affection. But sex is always on HER schedule, even though she would disagree with that statement. I also think this is a thyroid issue too. How do I get her to be a normal, horny, hot 40-year old?


Try watching this video, first by yourself, and see how much you can related to- 



. And then watch it with your wife. This may not touch on your issues at all; it assumes that there's, at the base, a good marriage, and we really don't know enough about you to make that assumption. As someone else suggested, the 5 Love Languages would be a good place to start.

Something else... you had your first kid 4 years before you got married. What happened? Is it possible sex was exciting at first because of the possibility of pregnancy, the danger, the thrill? Did things go south after that? How did she feel about kids? How did you feel? Was it a wonderful thing all along? Just remembering that, once my wife was "fixed" after kid #2, some of the excitement of sex disappeared. Kids can affect thing in strange ways.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

studvt said:


> Married 8 years, two kids 12 and 6. Sex at the beginning was fine; it's never been mind-blowing. She has a long list of things she does not like. I have no list. Yes, I could improve affection. Every other 40 year old I know is kinky and horny. She likes sex to be quick and then done. YES I believe she has thyroid issues, as she has many other symptoms that point to that. I've researched it shared my findings with her but she does not self-advocate and her primary says "she's fine" so she doesn't pursue further.


From a medical perspective, "it can be hard to feel 'good' when you don't feel good!" So if your wife has symptoms that prevent her from enjoying an everyday normal life, you may want to try a different doctor. However it is common for a woman in her 40s to begin experiencing some hormonal changes that make life challenging. It is very important for you to love and accept your wife exactly as she is. Odds are that "she's fine" but you are unable to accept that the nature of your relationship is changing with age.

In my opinion some people as the age begin to have issues with their self image. A 40 year old woman can't go to the beach and put on a bikini anymore as if she was a care free teenager. If she can do that, odds are it did not come easy and she struggled with her self confidence via diet and exercise behind closed doors. The same happens with sex. A 40 year old women may question if her husband is even attracted to her anymore. If he still wants sex, she might question if she is just being used sexually because she is the only available vagina as a result of being married. It becomes an ugly cycle. The more you want sex, the more she might feel used and disgusted with her own body. That will get projected onto you as a husband. "How much of a pervert are you to want sex with an old 40 year old woman," is what your wife will think to herself. Make it quick and get it over with please! Don't make her suffer anymore than what you have to!

Are there 40 year old women out there that are kinky and enjoy sex. Yes! Well why are they so confident about their bodies and able to enjoy themselves? That is a good question. Perhaps the men around them behave differently towards them and are more romantic... perhaps, but I doubt that is what does it. Perhaps these woman are not surrounded by men complaining that something with her is broken and that she needs to go to the doctor to get it fixed... perhaps, that could destroy someone's self confidence. Or perhaps... (stop a minute here) ...perhaps these women are just like you but with the roles reversed. These women are in a relationship where it is the husband that does not want sex, and for whatever reason he never wants to be with his wife. As a result it is the wife that is sex starved and is to a breaking point and needing to be touched. BUT... (big but here) ...stop for a moment and ask yourself why is it that the existing husband no longer wants it? Perhaps she has complained at him to no end to take himself to the doctor and get his problems fixed. Perhaps she is very controlling and will not just let him be himself. Perhaps she is exactly like you.

So if you want to turn things around. Focus on helping your wife with her self confidence. You can do this by working on your won self confidence. Awkwardly you can get your wife to help you with your self confidence as a way to help her with hers. Focus on making an emotional connection with her in a way that you have fun being close to one another. Make it a point to let her know why you love her as a person. If you want sex and she makes you feel like a pervert for wanting to be with her, then own it and be unapologetic for desiring her. You have to be super confident as both a friend and lover for her and work little by little on making things better. Most importantly be patient.

If your wife says something and you have an immediate urge to get upset or defend yourself, take that as a sign that you are NOT a good listener. She is trying to tell you something about her feelings. You would want her to listen to you when you share your feelings wouldn't you. Almost all relationships have this issue, which is why I am pointing this out (also spoken from the world's worst listener).

Regards,
Badsanta


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Sometimes the simplest answer is the actual answer. One possibility to explore is that she's not very attracted to you, and forthcoming will be a long list of things you need to do and hoops you need to jump through. Which in the end, won't work, but will keep you busy trying for years. Sometimes people do this when they aren't attracted to their partner, but want to keep their lifestyle.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

studvt said:


> How do I get her to.....


Questions that start that way, rarely turn out well. 



studvt said:


> She tells me she needs more romance and effort towards affection. But.....


I'd listen to what she tells you. That in itself might solve a lot of your problems. Don't dismiss her opinions with an instant "but...". 



studvt said:


> Every other 40 year old I know is kinky and horny.


Assuming you mean women, how do you know this?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Women connect through affection and emotion. If you have not been making her feel loved through these means then she wont want to have sex with you, it's really that simple. You want sex to have emotional intimacy, no sex makes you feel unattractive and unwanted. Lack of affection, emotion and romance, makes her feel the same way. You cannot change her, but you can change yourself, I would suggest you start working on your own limitations first.
She has very clearly spelled out what she needs but you come on here choosing to ignore it and still look for a solution, really?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

And what kinds of “kinky” things are you asking for? If she’s never been into wild sex she won’t start now just because she is 40. Most women who hate giving oral in the 20’s won’t give it in their 40’s, never mind kinky stuff.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Laurentium said:


> Assuming you mean women, how do you know this?


You saved me the trouble. Thank you.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

aine said:


> She has very clearly spelled out what she needs but you come on here choosing to ignore it and still look for a solution, really?



All that needs to happen here is that one person needs to go to the doctor and get their libido fixed. However the husband does not understand that the medication needed for this has not been invented yet. It is a pill that he has to take that will make him a better listener. You would think a hearing aid would do it, but doctors find that increasing the volume of a wife's words for some reason have unexpected results in that the husband becomes even a worse listener somehow. It has scientists really vexed. There are some promising clinical trials going on right now that teach wives how to use written charts and diagrams to better communicate with their husbands.


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## Hacker1234 (May 29, 2020)

The fact that you let it get to once a month is a big problem. I would listen to her needs and step up your game. The love languages is a good start at what to look at. Also probably want to get a thyroid looked at, that can zap the sex life real bad.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

The sad thing is this advice is all on his shoulders to look into the situation, and she really doesn't care.

A true partner will look into any medical issues that may be having an effect on intimacy.

I know there are many couples here who care if intimacy is going downhill and make their best effort to address any issues. Together.


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## Hacker1234 (May 29, 2020)

Livvie, yup she doesn't care. Allowing this to happen for a month, crap.......


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

studvt said:


> We have sex about once a month.
> 
> ......How do I get her to be a normal, horny, hot 40-year old?





studvt said:


> Married 8 years, two kids 12 and 6. Sex at the beginning was fine;
> 
> ....Yes, I could improve affection.
> 
> .......YES I believe she has thyroid issues, ..... she does not self-advocate and her primary says "she's fine" so she doesn't pursue further.


You need to understand that you can not change your wife. Only she can changer herself and only if she really wants to.

On one level you probably understand that, which is why you hope it is a thyroid issue that a doctor will magically change and you can have the high sex drive woman you really want. But the question is why do you want a high sex drive woman?

Stand in front of a mirror and look at yourself while your repeat the words, "Why do I want a high sex drive woman?" If you really think about it, you probably want to feel that you are sexually desired by her, that your libido needs to be reassured that she finds you sexy and attractive. In short you want her attention, especially sexual attention. 

Have you ever considered that you might be the problem and not her being the problem? 

I was in a sex starved marriage and my wife told me she had no sexual desire for me and she never wanted to have sex with me or anyone else ever again. I was angry and felt like a victim of a cruel woman. 

I decided that if this didn't change I was going to divorce my wife. After reading a little bit about failed marriages, I decided I needed to "fix myself" so that I would be ready for my next relationship. I started to read just about every relationship book I could get my hands on . 

Funny thing was that the more I read, the more I learned that it really takes two to make or destroy a marriage. Some of the books gave me clues as to why I was part of the problem. I was clingy and needy for sex, which is a real turn-off for most women. I wasn't confident and needed my wife's sexual interest in my to support my fragile ego. I needed her validation. I was a "Nice Guy" who was really into covert contracts, but I never discussed them with my wife.

Ultimately, I realized my part of the problem and started to fix it. I started to do things that made my wife feel cherished and loved. I lost weight, got fit, started to do sports & hobbies I gave up when we were dating and first married. I started dressing better. Her girlfriends started to notice and tell her how lucky she was to have me. 

Ultimately, I convinced her to go to a sex therapist and marriage counselor, who saved our marriage. She asked my wife what she thought would happen if we never had sex again. My wife refused to answer, but the ST would not give up on the question. Ultimately my wife gave up and said we would divorce. The Sex Therapist asked me if I had thought about divorce. I said I had, that I had looked up the divorce laws in our state and concluded that by a certain milestone birthday I was going to be in a loving sexual relationship with a woman and while I wanted it to be with my wife, I would divorce her and find someone else, if she couldn't provide that.

The ST thought that was a very reasonable approach and provided my wife with enough time to figure out what she wanted and if she wanted to stay married it allowed her time to change. The ST then told my wife the choice was hers and she would need to live with the consequences. Then the ST ignored my wife and worked with over several sessions in defining what I meant by a Loving sexual relationship. Once I had defined my needs and why, the ST turned to my wife and said now you have to decide what you want and what you can live with.

Ultimately, my wife choose to rebuild our marriage and provide me with the sex I need twice a week. She really doesn't want sex more than weekly or twice every three weeks. However, she values our marriage. We now work on making each other feel cherished and loved.

Good luck to you. May I suggest rather than demanding your wife change and trying to blame your problems on a medical condition that will magically be fixed, you should talk to your wife, confess your anger and faults to her, apologize to her, give her the affection you know she wants, and work with a marriage counselor or sex therapist to rebuild your marriage.


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

Sockittomewife said:


> You should reeeaaallly read the 5 love languages! I think (most) men there top love languages is physical touch. You feel more loved when your wife wants sex. Your love glass is full! And when you get it on a regular, you feel very loved!
> 
> if your wife’s love language is quality time, and words of affirmation = if you don’t give her those things, her glass is NOT full. And when a women’s glass is half full she doesn’t feel as loved, and there for sex is not on the table if one of her love languages is not physical touch.
> 
> I would hiiighly recommend again! It really puts things into perspective and explained to me a lot about myself and my husband.


Basically what this means is, the day has to be what I call a "Paris" day to get sex from your partner.
You have to sweep her off her feet, woo her, surprise her with a private jet and trip to Paris, buy her diamonds and an expensive meal.

What happened for a women to want to have sex with her partner just because she's physically attracted to him even if he hasn't catered for her every need that day!!!


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## Sockittomewife (Nov 30, 2018)

BIL310 said:


> Basically what this means is, the day has to be what I call a "Paris" day to get sex from your partner.
> You have to sweep her off her feet, woo her, surprise her with a private jet and trip to Paris, buy her diamonds and an expensive meal.
> 
> What happened for a women to want to have sex with her partner just because she's physically attracted to him even if he hasn't catered for her every need that day!!!


It doesn’t have to be every day... when my husband says something nice, or shows me love the way I receive it, I remember it and feel it for a LOONG time. Women just need it every now and again. Just like a man (his love language being intimacy) needing that to feel loved. Right?


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

studvt said:


> We have sex about once a month. What 40-year old woman only wants sex once a month? She said to me recently, she's content with "regular sex" and nothing kinky or new. WTF? So she basically is telling me she only wants boring sex? She tells me she needs more romance and effort towards affection. But sex is always on HER schedule, even though she would disagree with that statement. I also think this is a thyroid issue too. How do I get her to be a normal, horny, hot 40-year old?


Been there, done that, got the t-shirt!

Noting changes at 50 or 60 years of age.


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

ah_sorandy said:


> Been there, done that, got the t-shirt!
> 
> Noting changes at 50 or 60 years of age.


Update: we had an honest and calm discussion after which we ordered two new righties, I had her help choose* because *Historically I have a 60% chance of getting the wrong size,color.I wanted to get her something she would wear.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

ah_sorandy said:


> Been there, done that, got the t-shirt!
> 
> Noting changes at 50 or 60 years of age.


Yeah it does. It gets worse, I'd imagine.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Livvie said:


> Yeah it does. It gets worse, I'd imagine.


Yes, I agree, it does get a little worse!

I should have typed 'Nothing changes for the better at 50 or 60 years of age.'


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

ah_sorandy said:


> Yes, I agree, it does get a little worse!
> 
> I should have typed 'Nothing changes for the better at 50 or 60 years of age.'


While I doubt his wife will change the fact that she does not want to have sex with her husband, at any age. 

I do have to say that I am 56, could retire if I want, have a great Fiancé, relationship is great, sex is really great... 

I am basically partying like a rock star, which I also am a minor rock star on the side. 

Life does not have to get worse at this age, for me it is better. I almost never see or talk to my ex wife or any ex GF's. 

Life it good...


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