# Not setting a wedding date???



## 2BMarried (Feb 10, 2009)

My fiance is constantly trying to make me feel guilty for the $4000 solitaire he bought me and patting himself on the back for being so "generous". (he makes 6 figures) I thought the ring was to represent our future together but he always says he just bought it to make ME happy. It was his idea to go get the ring, not mine and I even stayed within his limits on spending. Now he refuses to set a date or even talk about it even though HE is the one who wants the wedding. I do not want a wedding. He say his sister and mother would be disappointed if he didn't have a wedding. So because we HAVE to have one, now we have to put our marriage on hold for up to a yr and a half at least because he doesn't want to spend money on it right now. If he didn't have family around we would be getting married next month! I'm so frustrated and sick of him trying to guilt me into everything he wants. What would you all do? What should I do?
Thanks for listening!


----------



## java (Jan 15, 2009)

First of all...if he is treating you like that now what do you think after the wedding will be like?

How long have you had the ring? Take it back to the jeweler and get something cheaper and put the difference on your wedding....then he can't make you feel guilty anymore. 

If he wanted you to have such an expensive ring did he tell you he wouldn't want the wedding until the ring is paid for? I would take the ring back...get a cheaper one and tell him material things aren't important to you...then he will shut his mouth. Maybe he doesn't want to get married right away for other reasons and he is using the ring and money as an excuse. 

? What do you think? Was he ready for marriage before the ring?


----------



## T-Dub (Feb 2, 2009)

Does he realize how much he will have to spend just on deposits for your wedding, the hall, catering, honeymoon, pictures? I feel that you should take controll of this situation. Tell him that you (we) have to start looking for information on those listed above. Then that would really make him feel guilty, it should be the both of you doing this together, not just you!


----------



## 2BMarried (Feb 10, 2009)

First off, we are around '40'. He makes a large income and has no bills except a mortgage. The ring I picked out was the bare minimum to still look nice, not like we are 18y/o. It's been 3 or 4 weeks since he bought it. It wouldn't help even if I got a cheaper ring because he says he can't spend ANY many until after the end of 2009. Which means we can't talk about it or pre-plan anything. However, he keeps saying he wants me to move into his house, that means uprooting my kids from their school, etc. He gets mad if I try to explain how it works because he says I'm "pushing" him! He knows nothing about weddings and the cost and deposits and the time it takes. He knows I do not want a wedding, I just want for us to get married. So for me having to wait almost 2 yrs ONLY because he has to have a wedding (for his family) is a HUGE compromise on my part, don't you think. This will tell you how much he doesn't know about weddings: We went to try on wedding gowns for fun, with my kids in tote because my daughter is so excited. I tried on 2! 2 out of a million, he says I like that, why don't we go ahead and buy it! WHAT??? Then I told him I have to look at a lot more to be sure plus I need to know when the day will be first. After that, it went down hill. Now all he sees is money being thrown away. He makes 6 figures and can't afford a very small cheap wedding for 40 ppl?? Makes me nervous about how he spends his money since his house is loaded with huge plasma tvs, a media projector, new leather furniture, and a refridgerator that is almost as much as my ring. I have 3 children that are being affected by all this as well. Should I just break it off????


----------



## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

Why can't he spend any money til 2010, if he has no bills except mortgage, and earns plenty? Seems odd to me...

You could suggest getting married now in a civil ceremony and then throw the party his family seems to want when he/you can afford it. If he balks at that, then I think there is a bigger issue - he isn't wanting to commit for some reason. If that happens, I think you two better sit down and talk and find out what's really going on. If it's that important to you to be married, he needs to know that.


----------



## 2BMarried (Feb 10, 2009)

Thanks for that suggestion. I think I might try that. He did, prior to engagement, bring that up as well, but now he's saying it might be important for him to be married in a church even though he is NOT religious. I am devoted Christian and have my own church, but maybe I can bring that up and see what he says, but then I wonder if he regrets doing that will he try to blame that on me like he has the ring!


----------



## java (Jan 15, 2009)

It does sound like he has some other issues going on with committing. He seems to be making excuses about why he can't do this. Like the church thing and he isn't religious. Who is he trying to impress?

I would be leary especially if you have 3 kids involved. They are being affected....

Seems odd he would be ok with buying the ring but now he has issues with it. Do you think his family is giving him a hard time about everything so he is taking it out on you?


----------



## 2BMarried (Feb 10, 2009)

No. He hasn't told anyone we are engaged. Definitely not his family....


----------



## java (Jan 15, 2009)

Why?


----------



## 2BMarried (Feb 10, 2009)

He didn't give me a reason. Just hasn't. It's like he gave me a ring to shut me up and leave him alone about loving him and wanting to get married but since he didn't realize that you usually make a big deal out of getting engaged, now he's pissed. He was the first to say I love you, the first to bring up marriage, and then when I tried to expalin to him how to pick out a ring, which he asked me to do for him, he just gave up on it and made me pick it out. So he hasn't done anything regarding this whole thing except tell me he's not wasting more money..... at least until 2010, but then what if it continues in 2010??? There's no fun or excitement about being engaged. I'm not even allowed to bother him with details, but HE wants the wedding!
Thanks you guys alot for helping me... I felt so alone in this.


----------



## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

It sort of does feel like he got you the ring to get you off his back. I take it he's never been married before? Clearly he's never planned a wedding... 

Since you have 3 kids who will be affected by all this, I would suggest some (pre)marriage counseling. My gut feeling is that he is not ready to make a committment yet, but that you are and I'm sensing some conflict. It would be wise to resolve that before you get married, or continue down this path of putting off a wedding for who knows what reasons. Would he be open to counseling?


----------



## java (Jan 15, 2009)

Wasting money? Uh....he said that about the ring? I see several red flags here...

1. He gives you a ring to shut you up.
2. He won't let you tell anyone. (Did he actually ask you to marry him?)
3. He wants things that are prolonging the wedding, extending the engagement...and really has no reason
4. He is using his family as an excuse to have a wedding that the BRIDE doesn't want. 

Hmmm....not trying to be mean...but he sounds like he is full of it. 

Maybe you should put the "wedding" on hold and hang on to the ring. I wouldn't give it back and say the wedding is on hold b/c you will never see it again.

I hate to say this...but it doesn't sound like he wants to get married. Are you living with him now?


----------



## 2BMarried (Feb 10, 2009)

When I told him I would like to get married at my church, but they will definitely require premarital counseling first, he said he had no problem with that. However, that was before all this other stuff happened too. I thought about mentioning that again. Obviously, if he does not want to do that, then I have my answer. And NO he has never been married, no kids, never even lived with anyone. He seems flexible about many things that he will need to change due to having an instant family and has changed some but I feel he's reaching his breaking point for some reason. I guess since he wants to put off the wedding then I might feel better if we at least told people, set a date, and especially if he started to put small deposits for certain vendors, etc. I know he won't just throw money out the door on that. 
Any and all thoughts and/or suggestions are greatly appreciated!


----------



## 2BMarried (Feb 10, 2009)

Yes, he actually did the kneeling on one knee and asked me to marry him after we purchased the ring. I don't think he wants to tell his family because they would be so excited that they would also be asking for a date and wanting to give their two cents about the wedding. Which would I think is normal for families. He keeps on and on about being negative saying things like, see this is why marriage scares me because of all the problems (refering to something we've seen or heard about) I keep telling him that marriage is a wonderful blessing and that the "negatives" only happen when someone lies or you two can't communicate at all. He's so negative. He didn't come from divorced parents and his sister is happily married. He is hearing crap from people at work or whatever and has become tainted by all that non-sense. I don't know how to keep him thinking positive. He does have his moments though. How am I supposed to cheerfully go around telling my family and friends we're engaged if I have to follow with "yea, but he doesn't want to set a date or spend any money to have a wedding he insists on having." or worse, what if he freaks in the next year or so and leaves me!!


----------



## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

well me and my wife were Engaged for 2 years before we got married, we paid for our own wedding which ran us about $20,000 it was a very large wedding and lavish affair, we both have large families and had many friends to invite. We got top of the line in everything.

Part of the fun was going to wedding events and picking out stuff, etc. Most churches need a year in advanced to set the wedding anyway.

If this is his first marriage I imagine he wants to pull out all the stops. He is probably very proud he got you a $4000 ring, that is a "bosting" thing to a male to his friends and your female friends.

While you may not be very materilistic, I imagine he is. So he probably wants a lavish affair so he can impress everyone else, including his family.

If you were to ahve a simple wedding I imagine he would hear comments the rest of his life from his mother and sister.

I had to invite people to my wedding I did not even know, but my mother did, on my dime.

So he may just be putting it off to do it more lavishly.

If you in love what does the time frame mean anyway??


----------



## 2BMarried (Feb 10, 2009)

No offense, but you are way off. He is from another country and the only people he will invite is his mother, father, and sister with her husband and her daughter. He has told me numerous times that he wants a very, very simple wedding and only wants to spend $5,000 on it max. So do you have an alternative opinion to your previous reason for waiting. He is not a "show boater" he hasn't even told anyone about the engagement. The ring is just one carat and an old fashion solitaire. No 'bling' and showing off going on. His family doesn't have any friends here that would even be invited to the wedding and my family is larger than his but at most there would only be 20 people there.


----------



## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

May I ask what country is he from?

Also how well does he get along with your three kids and how about your Ex? do you get along with him? does your future hubby get along with your ex when you drop them off? 

OK glad to know he is not a show boater, maybe he is just very frugile then, not sure I am not him. Since he is from another country what are his customs during a wedding? 

Hard for me to say, my wife waas pretty much in full control of our wedding, we made joint decisions on everything that effected me, but with flowers, bridesmaid dresses, etc, she asked my imput and and it usually was whatever you think is best dear.

may I ask what he does for a living? just a general answer is fine, nothing specific.

Does he help you and kids at all finacially now?


----------



## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

oh, and no offense taking...


----------



## 2BMarried (Feb 10, 2009)

He's from Southeast Asia. He has not brought ANY customs with him. He has been here for 27 yrs. He gets along fine with my kids, which is extremely painful to call this off. My ex and he never see or talk to each other. (My ex was abusive and we do not exchange the kids to each other directly.) He's not frugile, he spends unlimited amount of cash on his plasma tv's, media projectors, computers, appliances, etc. He has said he only wants the wedding because his sister would be disappointed if he didn't have one. He doesn't even attend church and definitely has no interest in incorporating any "customs" into the ceremony. He said he gave me the ring so I'd be happy and hope we wouldn't have to discuss the wedding details. He won't even discuss a date with me. So I have a ring, but no one knows and we aren't allowed to talk about marriage. I don't want a wedding, but told him if that's what he wants I'll do it so he asked me to look at stuff which I did for a week straight and when I try to tell him what I found he ignores me. He only wants to spend $5,000 on it with approx. 30 ppl and a sit down dinner! And NO he does not help me and my children finacially at all right now. I have 3 kids and he says he hates seeing me suffer since I've been laid off for 5 months now and just lost my unemployment benefits, but he never offers to help. Which is fine I guess. He is in the network engineer field.... Hope that helps. Thanks!


----------



## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

OK....So let me sum this up if I can...

He has a great job earning 6 figures and has family that he wishes to ahve at the wedding (mom and sister) from Southeast Asia.

He is a finacially responsible person, he forms a budget and sticks to it. Only has a mortgage, but has done well and bought him self any well paid bachelor would buy himself.

Even though from a foreign country he has the basic american values and dreams. No "home" customs have been proposed.

He asked you to move in with your three children, but you have said no, not until you are married. You do not wish to uproot the children, change their lives in the middle of the school year.

You lost your job 5 months ago, have no income and your unemployment $$ has come to an end. So now you nor your children have insurance or money comming in? I imagine your ex is giving you alimony and money for the childrent hat will help keep you in your house and food on the table? I hope he is that decent, by the way sorry you had to endure an abusive relationship.

he gave you a ring that you picked out yourself, becuase he wanted you to have a ring that you liked, my wife sent me pictures of the ring she wanted. she let it be "known" lol

He does want a wedding but a small family affair, under 50 people, sounds like a little wedding with a dinner afterwards, very nice and casual. it can be done for $5,000 either one of you ahve a nice back yard or something, nice spring or fall wedding perhaps?

I think he is your typical guy, we hate shopping and planning. I walk into a store and I want to be out of there in a few minutes, I see something I like, I buy it. there was NO WAY I was going shopping with my wife for her bridal gown, to painful for a man to do, she went with with her sisters. You should go with a friend, find a dress...then bring him in to buy it.

I imagine he is going to pay for this whole thing himself?? That is alot of pressure on him.

I really respect your man, he is willing to marry a woman who has THREE children, that is a instant family if I ever heard of one. He seems like a really nice guy and really smart, has a great job and is smart with his finances.

I think you are just stressed out here, you are under an enormous amount of pressure.

You have no job, three young children, no income, a Ex-hubby that was a jerk. Now family pressuring you for details of when the wedding will be. You just want this all over, you want to be married, move in with him and enjoy the rest of your life together.

You only been engaged a month, he loves you he is not going anywhere, give the man some time and if you are struggling finacially TELL HIM while you look for a new job. He may not offer it, but he will help you out if you ask for it, after all you will be his wife and those will be his step children when you get married.

I think you are really over reacting here and would really put yourself in a dire situation if you break it off, you're panicing.

take a deep breath and calmy talk things out with him. Sure he is being negative, becuase he is in no rush, I am sure I seemed negative at some of the wedding stuff, remember i said, "what ever my wife wanted!" becuase frankly I didn't care about what color the dresses were, the flowers, etc. Men don't like to shop.

we go in we pick something out, we pay for it and leave...

he really sounds like a great guy, i would just calm down and talk to him and see what he wants to do, if he says whatever then you just plan it out. Pre-marital "chats" are normal for most church weddings. I had to do that dreadful thing as well.

anyway, if you are struggling financially talk to him, take the pressure off yourself.

I think you are lucky, sounds like a great guy, don't blow it becuase he won't set a date right away. take one step at a time. I imagine your job situation has added a ton of pressure to you, it would me. I have three kids as well, your daughter will LOVE the wedding.

best of luck.


----------



## 2BMarried (Feb 10, 2009)

*Re: Not setting a wedding date??? It's over....*

I broke it off. He broke the camels back tonight. He looked surprised even though he knew he screwed up for that last time. I gave the ring to him without any words and told him to please leave. Of course, I'm upset, crying the whole nine yards, but I'll get over it. All break ups are bad or we wouldn't be breaking up. I don't know why but I still love him with all my heart, but he doesn't treat me with respect and he prooved without doubt that he is indeed selfish tonight. Anyway, just wanted to let you guys know. Anyone have any tips on how to move on and forget an ex-fiance??? Thanks.


----------



## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

wow, sorry to hear that, I hope you can get through this, best of luck.


----------

