# my husband doesnt give me much attention



## Yui Ortega (Mar 21, 2016)

So I have been in a relationship with my spouse for 2 years but we have only been married about 4 months. We have an 8 month old baby and a 7 yo from a previous relationship. Before we even got married i had been feeling like he wasn't really interested in having sex or having conversations not even going out on dates. But I spoke to him about it and he said he would work on it. I decided we should be wed since we had been engaged over a year. But problems still persisted and i kept bring them up around FEB. i found some pictures of random girls from Facebook there was no communication between him and them. He said he just saved the pics because he was being dumb. Well he got rid of them. Then a couple weeks later the same thing but it was a lot more pics of random girls on Facebook not even models or half naked just random girls. So then he deleted his Facebook. He still doesn't really pay me much attention and I feel like i shouldn't always have to insinuate a conversation,dates and especially sex. He has promised he wouldn't keep on with the whole pictures of girls stuff but i recently found he spends a lot of time just searching the web for pics of girls some models some actresses some newscasters. But yet he never spends anytime or effort into me. I'm so upset because it makes me feel like he doesn't want me anymore. Since my body isn't where it needs to be. I'm loosing the baby weight but he never tells me anything and I'm not huge or anything I'm chubby but I'm very pretty. His lack of action makes me feel unwanted unpretty and just plain bad. I'm beginning to feel like I'm married to someone who doesn't care about my happiness. :crying:


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

I'm sorry that you're going through this, I know that it's pretty tough. The bad news is that you're at the mercy of your husband. If he isn't interested in investing in you and in your relationship any longer, you can't make him. If he's selfish at heart, then there isn't anything to be done. 

But if he has a good heart, it is possible that you can inspire him to change. You need to sit down with him sometime and ask him if there is anything in your relationship that he is dissatisfied with, or any way you can serve him better. The point of this is to open up communication with him, without him getting defensive. While at the same time finding out if his indifferent behavior is the result of him being disappointed or hurt by something.

If he tells you something, then ask if that is why he has withdrawn from you. If he says that nothing is wrong, then you'll have to decide whether he's telling the truth or not.

But in your own way, you need to then communicate that you're hurt by him doing A, B, and C, and that if he would make a strong effort to change those behaviors, you would really appreciate it. If he communicated something to you that has hurt him, then you should show the same consideration towards him that you expect for yourself. 

If his behavior persists, then you need to repeat yourself. If after a period of time, he still has made no effort to care for your needs and/or feelings, then you will have to decide how to react. Both of you reading "His Needs, Her Needs" and "The 5 Love Languages" would also be beneficial.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Yui Ortega said:


> His lack of action makes me feel unwanted unpretty and just plain bad. I'm beginning to feel like I'm married to someone who doesn't care about my happiness. :crying:


You have your catalyst, and you need to give him his catalyst for change. We don't need to change each other. We have to unchange eachother. 

What I recommend is for you to work on yourself by doing some emotional development and also learn how to interact with difficult individuals. If he is distant, he is going to be difficult. If I tell you to go talk to him, it most likely won't work, as his reaction will likely feed an unhealthy reaction from you.

I'll give you an idea of how it works when you have this strength.

Imagine you are walking down the sidewalk. You need to walk in a straight line. Wind might blow you left, and you have to adjust by moving back to the right. You make these minor adjustments, so as to stay on course.

Your relationship is not on any course. You are suffering. He is suffering, whether he admits it or not. We suffer when we have the capacity to love and receive love, but do not. It is as if you could have a Ferrari, but choose a Honda. We all have the ability to master our relationships. We can all have that Ferrari.

So you are walking on a straight path. You are going somewhere. You are using the healthy skills that keep you on course. You hold out your hand, and he can take it or he can choose not to. You stay on course, whether he does or not. With this mindset, you master your relationship and keep it on course. He will join you. He has to. With this strength, he has no ability to excuse his lack of participation. You are moving forward, and he better pick up his pace.

You will end up speaking to him from a position of incredible strength. You will be inviting, but unwavering. We don't make accusations or criticisms. We show our partners where we are going. We show them where we are walking towards.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I feel for what you are dealing with. I have been with my husband for 27 years. The beginning of your relationship is the exact as what it was for me. I never felt he was interested in me but when I would ask he would say he was but I saw his interest in other women. It didn't change when we got married, it only became worse. He has always shown interest in other women and for many years I chased him to try to get any little bit of affection form him. He has been emotionally unavailable to me as well as the kids. He has had 3 emotional affairs, has had porn addiction issues, always seemingly seeking female attention but I am not sure what I ever was to him. With time living like this I have slowly distanced myself and all love has died for me for my husband. I held hope for a long long time that thing could be better, I stayed for many reasons including the children but one day I woke up and asked myself, "why?" I am now in the process of leaving. I have never felt loved by this man. H is caught up in his own interests and those interests do not incluede me. I have learned to live a life pretty much by myself, creating my own happiness without his involvement or support...not what I consider a marriage.


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## Yui Ortega (Mar 21, 2016)

thank you


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Please ask him if he'll consider marriage counseling. Is he being a dunderhead? Absolutely. But since there are kids involved, maybe this will be the wakeup call he needs to realize what he's doing is jeopardizing his marriage. If he continues down this road unchecked, he will probably cheat. He's already emotionally checked out. The time to take action is now. If he refuses? I think you have your answer about whether he has any interest in salvaging what you have.


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## Yui Ortega (Mar 21, 2016)

joannacroc said:


> Please ask him if he'll consider marriage counseling. Is he being a dunderhead? Absolutely. But since there are kids involved, maybe this will be the wakeup call he needs to realize what he's doing is jeopardizing his marriage. If he continues down this road unchecked, he will probably cheat. He's already emotionally checked out. The time to take action is now. If he refuses? I think you have your answer about whether he has any interest in salvaging what you have.


Yes I this last time I found out he hadn't changed much of anything. I told him we had to go to counselingo. I hope it helps. Thank you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yui Ortega (Mar 21, 2016)

Anna Davis said:


> Try to get him interested in you again. Maybe make jealos or buy a great underwear!


oh girl I have a Victoria Secret collection that would make a lot of husbands very happy obviously not mine lol I have always like to feel sexy from my underwear to my outfit and I even buy lingerie corsets the works for Vday I went to an adult storeally and bought so much stuff galore that we could both enjoy besides his gift I had bought him and he fell asleep on me I was beyond outraged
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is a link to the OP's other thread. I really think she needs to post this info on this thread as it makes quite a bit of difference. This is why having one thread is better than posting different parts of the story in different threads all over TAM.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/329553-i-have-begged-my-husband-sex.html#post15487393


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