# Money is evil



## ROWAN1 (Jun 21, 2012)

Please help clear my head. Last night I go on a walk with my wife and point out a pretty nice house that had a big driveway. I said this would be an ideal driveway for setting up a basketball court for our son (who is currently just a few months old). It was basically me saying "one day"...which I tend to do a lot. She had a long face for the rest of the walk and when I asked what the problem was, the response was: "this is why you probably would have been better off marrying someone 6-7 years younger than you. Given my age, I have a certain expectation of where things should be and they are not"

Needless to say, this hurt me. Not to mention it came on the eve of our wedding anniversary (a few years in now).

Background facts: she is a stay at home mom raising our little one; I work; we live in a 1.2M home, make just under 300K per year and I bust my ass trying to make sure she gets whatever she desires - within reason. I'm 34 and she is 32. She didnt like the 17,000 engagement ring I proposed with nor the proposal for that matter given that in the past I kept telling her that her ring would be phenomenal and the proposal would be so amazing...I guess the truth is that I settled for a traditional proposal during an island trip and with respect to the ring, I could have spent a bit more but the jeweler told me this was a great ring - and at that time, I really had no knowledge about rings (other than knowing she liked squares even though I got her a great quality round).

For the past 2 years, she has been talking about getting an 'upgrade' ring which I've been open to but want to make sure we can afford. Upgrade as in probably somewhere in the range of $50K for new ring. She said to me that the reason I got the bracelet was because there was a chance she didnt want it and it could be returned for a refund. She said she was also taken aback that instead, I didnt at least get the ball rolling by now on the process of at least looking at new rings...

I digress - - - the crappy part is that I am doing my best and she says that she knows that but she cant help the feeling. She wants to ensure our son gets everything and that she also doesnt have to fret about lifestyle. She made a comment about not being at ease being at the 'bottom of the totum-pole' - yes, we are on the bottom of the totum pole when compared to the real housewives of orange county but as far as I know, in reality, given my age, etc. - - i didnt think it was all that bad.

There is talk about considering a live-in nanny later on; talk about the ring upgrade, she is itching for us to leave this house and buy a new house, etc....I'm trying and trying, I'm not god.

BTW, in the midst of all this, we are trying to sell our house and buy a new, hopefully bigger house - in the 1.5M - 1.7M range because our current house is not big (because of the neighborhood).

Not to mention that during that day, I had picked up a $6K bracelet to give her on our anniversary. Unfortunately, her timing was impeccable, and when she dropped all this money talk on me, I showed her the gift in a not so finesse or pleasant way - which I would take back if I could as my emotions got the best of me.

She says all this contributes to about 50% of the problems she sees with our relationship among other things - passion, desire, etc.

I'm so sad and so depressed. 

She is a smart girl and means well. She is just brutally honest I guess. The tough part is that, if I were smoking pot and playing video games all day and she said this, maybe she has a point. I work (my own business) close to 12 hour days and some sundays. I juggle more than I can even muster and I come home to comments like that. Really really hurts me at the core - which I say to her (response -- is that "I dont mean to hurt you but you asked me what was wrong). HELP.


----------



## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

oh my... do you enjoy your life? Do you feel relaxed, rewarded and that working as much as you do is worth it? I sincerely hope so. What I am getting at is that all of this stuff, this superficial "stuff" and this working your butt off to keep up with the Jonses is not usually what gives people fulfillment. Now for you, it may and that's fine. But if it doesn't, I would sincerely think about getting into some MC with your wife, maye doing some "His needs, her needs" and truly coming to some sort of compromise. You don't sound happy and appreciated. 

Myself, I'd rather have my family home together more than one person being gone so much of the time. A smaller house, less "stuff", and more togetherness is what does it for me. Yep!


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Money is neither good nor evil. I'm not sure exactly what you see as your problem but I'm sure you could both use to improve your communication style to be a little more sensitive to each other's feelings.

If you are sad and depressed, and many people are these days for a variety of reasons, you have to find the cause and the cure for yourself. You can certainly ask your wife to help but you can't blame her for your problems


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I don't think the problem has to do with money.
I think it has more to do with your wife's self-esteem and lack of purpose and your own precedent setting. 
I would also be concerned whether there is a lack of communication and connection other than money, in your marriage, or if money and valuables are the only currency that is used to communicate.
Sounds like a sort of insular, lonely lifestyle.
I don't think more or better is the solution.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Have you read up on what it means to be a nice guy? You work your butt off, give her everything and yet it's never enough. She's still not happy and you're left scratching your head wondering why?

Your problem has nothing to do with money or lack thereof. You can be happy with money or without. I'm not sure what you're wife's problem is but I can assure you it won't be fixed with 'stuff'.


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

300k a year in a 1m house is NOT at the bottom of the totem pole, my friend. 70% of the population makes significantly less than that. I think your wife is not seeing the forest through the trees. Particularly when your only 34. I think you've done an amazing job in life for getting where you are at your age.

I don't blame anyone for being materialistic. hell, if you've got it, spend it. But seriously, upgrading a 17k engagement ring? You could do more with that 50k than buying another diamond. Particularly when you can use that to make more money with it. Your wife's comments make no sense, basically because she seems unappreciative of what she has and what you've done for her. Getting a 50k ring won't change that, in my opinion. It will just turn into...."how come you didn't get me the 100k ring?"

Maybe you have to start taking more charge and putting your foot down about the situation? It seems like your taking a nice guy approach to things when you need to step up a bit into the Captains role. Start leading more instead of appeasing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ROWAN1 (Jun 21, 2012)

Thanks for the feedback
@alphaomega - I appreciate your comments. She said she is aware that the grass may not necessarily be greener on the other side. Unfortunately, to even mention this hurts me. Her central thesis with respect to this whole relationship, etc. is, as I see it: "When I was younger, you used your prowess to take control of the situation and me to move forward with this, and even though nobody put a gun to my head, I was impressionable; I did have an idea of what I expected out of life and this, while decent, was not that image; in turn I have created some unresolvable resentment toward you..."


----------



## notperfectanymore (Mar 1, 2012)

I am sorry you are going thru this...Jellybeans is SPOT ON...

You have done WELL for your family, to have what you have at your age...your wife is a materialistic WITCH...you can do SO MUCH BETTER.

But that doesn't help you any...how about encouraging her to get a job and fund some of the stuff she is asking for?


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I'm sorry but your wife sounds like a meterialistic spoilt brat!
She should be ashamed of herself for being so greedy.
She has so much, there are some people who have so little.
She needs a reality check! 
Urgh!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

One word comes to mind : UNGRATEFUL

I'm so sorry.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

ROWAN1 said:


> Her central thesis with respect to this whole relationship, etc. is, as I see it: "When I was younger, you used your prowess to take control of the situation and me to move forward with this, and even though nobody put a gun to my head, I was impressionable; I did have an idea of what I expected out of life and this, while decent, was not that image; in turn I have created some unresolvable resentment toward you..."


Fair enough. Holding resentment is a choice. Have you asked your wife directly about this?


----------



## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

notperfectanymore said:


> how about encouraging her to get a job and fund some of the stuff she is asking for?


I think this is a fabulous idea! I'm sure she will pipe down if you throw her a curve ball like her getting a job to help with the unnecessary items.


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I couldn't even finish reading your post! Your wife sounds like a terribly selfish, spoiled brat...! Most women would love to be in her shoes. I'm a lot older than she is, with 3 kids, and I had to work my ass off just to make sure there was food on the table. Peuh! Poor her! Actually, scrap that, poor YOU!


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

Stop spending money on her and leave it all to your son and future kids (BTW don't have any more kids with her)

Just my advice but she's your wife though.

I'm not bashing your wife but you didn't buy a hole to stick it in, you're supposedly married to someone who loves you for you, not what you can get for them. What you get for them (material wise) is because you do it out of wanting to give it to them, not because they feel entitled to it.

Once they condition you into giving them what they need, it's a hard habit to break because their expectations usually outgrow your potential.

$10k car becomes a $25k car - $50K - $100k - full time chauffeur. Break the cycle.

It's always well so and so got this or that. It's never enough. Actually someone may have hit it on the head where she's equating getting all this stuff to make up for something missing in her life.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Your wife is greedy, manipulative, selfish, ungrateful and lazy. 

What does she need a nanny for if she is a SAHM with one child? 

A $50k ring on top of the $17k ring she already has could go a long way toward your child's college education. 

You get that bigger house, and she'll want a housekeeper and gardener to keep it up.

She will never be satisfied based on this:


> I did have an idea of what I expected out of life and this, while decent, was not that image; in turn I have created some unresolvable resentment toward you..."


Where did this princess form her expectations that she should sit on her ass while you work 12 hour days to keep her in a style that most people never see (or care about) in their lifetimes? What makes her feel so entitled to such riches?

Honestly, I have no advice for you except to find your balls and calmly tell her to get herself a $300k/year job so that you can afford the fantasy lifestyle she wants. Do not accept her trying to shame you into thinking you need to satisfy her Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. 

And please, please try to influence your child so s/he doesn't turn into a materialistic money-grabber gold-digger like your wife. Your wife will never be happy unless she were married to Bill Gates. And then she'd still complain because he's not as rich as Bill, Warren Buffet and the Koch brothers combined.

Nasty piece of work you married.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

cheatinghubby said:


> Actually someone may have hit it on the head where she's equating getting all this stuff to make up for something missing in her life.


Yes, kindness and humility. She's sadly lacking in both.


----------



## sweetpea (Jan 30, 2007)

Remember to be respectful towards other members of the forum. Please don't attack OP's wife by calling her names. Review forum guidelines for more information. 

1. Treat others on the forum with dignity and respect.
Personal attacks, hate speech, racist or sexist statements or attacks, sexual harassment, explicit sexual comments, promoting violence, will not be tolerated.

Please consider this a warning and future posters will be banned for not following guidelines.


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

She sounds pretty entitled. From personal experience, understand that you will never be able to "out give" her. If you had a $5m house and bought her a $250k ring it would still not be enough.

Stop looking to "make" her happy and start enjoying your own life. Your wife will either jump on board or her mind will wander to the "other side of the fence." Basically want you have to answer is, if the $500k difference in your home price is the difference between your wife resenting you or not, do you really want to be married to her forever?

May want to check out CoDA (codependents anonymous). Because you sound as if you're putting your wife's needs ahead of yours to your detriment. Also, you're trying to be the source of her happiness instead of letting her find it on her own.


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

ROWAN1 said:


> Please help clear my head.


Rowan,

I can try to help you clear your head, but that same sense of instinct that ultimately landed you into your current successful career is probably already telling you that her level of expectation isn't matching up to the sweat you put into providing for her life of luxury.

I say this with all due respect, because I see similar situations all day within my peers at work. In fact, part of my reason for stopping periodically during the day to decompress and reply to a post or two is because my own drive to do my duty for my family was beginning to tear me apart inside ... and my wife is incredible in the way she appreciates my drive to succeed, while being great at her career and being a mother.

Inherently, your wife should understand that your drive to do more for her comes out of your love for her, and the way it enriches your life. If you just do these things to appease her, or to win her over, is it really a healthy marriage? I think that you have to start distinguishing between needs and luxury. What do you need to provide for your child? What does your wife need to do to raise a healthy child, versus what makes her life nothing more than a life of luxury. 

I think that a step towards changing this dynamic, and helping her to see that you are serious, is to focus on the future and the uncertainty of the business world. We make sacrifices to save because there are factors in the business world that can take a successful career away in a heartbeat. Can you survive without working for six months? 12 months? Are you on track for saving for the children's college at a good school? How about retirement? I think that if you are honest with her about your doubts about her love and acceptance, and tell her what your standards are, she can either begin to adapt or tell you how she really feels. You don't have to change the marriage in one discussion. Put a plan together. Start building your new personal boundaries in what you consider to be a healthy, mutually fulfilling marriage.

Just a thought.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She doesnt mean well.
You are spoiling your wife, and she is a brat.
The answer to this is to hold her accountable to being a decent person. Guess what? She won't divorce you over it... she wants someone to hold her accountable to being a decent person.


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I agree with Halien, with one addition...

Do you have a family plan in place? A common goal that you are both working towards? You know....the one you had together when you first started your business and you both could see the fruits of your labor? Perhaps one where you state that priorities need to lie in the direction of setting up your family to never have to worry about money again? First, save for the kids college, then pay off the current house, then have 500k in the bank as a security blanket? Plus another 500k in rsp equity for retirement?

I get that some women like material items. Even as their love language. Each to their own. But you as a business owner know particularly well that these items do not come free, and take a lot of time and personal investment to make happen....time YOU are investing. Not her.

Sure, she can have her ring. But maybe you need to drive in the captains chair and tell her she has to wait. Explain to her that you can take that 50k and turn it into 150k, and THEN she can have that ring, plus a brand new BMW M5 convertible too! But only after your future is secured and your family plan is in order.

Be the leader again, instead of the appeaser. I believe she made that statement to you that she adored that in you when you first met? One of your attraction points to her when you first met? Be that man again. Stand up and take charge. I think, in my opinion, this is what the root of the problem is. I know she said she was impressionable, but to me that judgement is clouded in her self justification of why she may be feeling this way. She must not have been so impressionable that she was forced to marry you.

So...go to marriedmansexlife and read those articles. Get your "man" back and start being captain of your ship. At the very least, you will be better because of it, at least emotionally.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

While your wife does come across as shallow and materialistic, I have to wonder where you fit into this scheme of things. After all, you married her. 

Would you really prefer someone who valued your time together over money, who wanted you home more and involved more, and would you be willing also to "have less stuff," so to speak, to enjoy that time together with her and your child? 

Too often, men seem to want to put all of the pressure for earning big money on to the "expectations" of their wives--or onto the need to "provide" for her. But in reality, they too want a lot of "stuff" as a symbol of their success, and the drive to work a lot comes from that more than anything else. I'm not judging that, just pointing it out. 

When a materialistic man has a wife who doesn't really care as much about that stuff, she becomes disenchanted b/c there isn't enough time for the two of them to be together. When a materialistic woman marries a guy who appreciates people instead of things, she becomes disenchanted as well. Obviously, the men who are mismatched are going to have their own forms of disenchantment, too.

Ask your wife if she wants you to work more/harder to get more stuff, or would she be happier if you earned less but were around more. Her answer should tell you a lot. Now ask yourself the same questions. Are you mismatched in this regard?

If so, the answer is compromise--and it will be tough, b/c she does seem to have a sense of entitlement and may find compromise to be very difficult. Difficult does not mean impossible--but it will mean work, and some counseling to find the balance that works for both of you may be in order. 

And earning $300K does not put you in the top 70%, it puts you closer to the top 10%. Did she expect you to be a mulit-millionaire by age 32? If so, she might have had pretty unrealistic expectations. Where did those come from--her family history? Your youthful and optimistic promises? I guess it does not really matter; unrealisitic either way.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Everyone has expectations and everyone has a right to their own expectations. I think it's disrespectful to criticize someone because their expectation differ from ours (within limits).

However, (very) few of us get all our expectations met in marriage. Understanding and dealing with this is an important skill learned in marriage and is one of the reason's people are not really considered "grown up" until they get married.

The op is under no legal or ethical obligation to meet all his wife's expectations and especially not to kill himself or make himself miserable or sad or depressed over them. Many of us scale back our expectations to avoid disappointment. Out of empathy, I share (some) of my wife's disappointment over her unmet expectations but I don't let it ruin my life. I am much more disappointed over my own unmet expectations but I try keep it in perspective as much as I can


----------



## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

sisters359 said:


> While your wife does come across as shallow and materialistic, I have to wonder where you fit into this scheme of things. After all, you married her.
> 
> Would you really prefer someone who valued your time together over money, who wanted you home more and involved more, and would you be willing also to "have less stuff," so to speak, to enjoy that time together with her and your child?
> 
> ...


I would be worried your wife is going to divorce you and take half of everything you've earned. I would start thinking about that. All your hard work for her to take half and then go find another guy who can give her what she wants. Otherwise, she will spend you into bankruptcy.

I feel sad for you and her. 

Maybe suggest she get a job. But I'm sure that will make it worse. I dont see this ending well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

There may actually be more peace of mind being dirt poor long as you have a roof food and heat. 
you should tell her you lost everything and move her into a ghetto apartment and see what she does.


----------



## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I call troll. You don't write like someone in your income bracket so I'm doubting your sincerity. It's been my experience that a man of your means understands very well how materialism drives certain types of women. Many of them accept that they bought their wives with their lifestyle. These men are much more confident then you come off here and normally wouldn't care much if their wife complained a little about their finances or a stupid ring. It doesn't add up. If you met your wife before you started making money she woundn't have this attitude. If you had the money before you met your wife then it most likely came from your family and you would already know how to spot an unfeeling gold digger. This smells like an experiment.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You will never be able to earn enough to satisfy her. Looks like she settled for someone that she thought would sustain her lifestyle. Words that went through my mind when reading your first post --Ungrateful, selfish, materialistic, plastic, fake, entitled. I'll keep the rest to myself. 

Her reaction is p!ssing me off. She just set you up for failure. Does she even work? 

There are people out there happy that they could feed themselves 2 times a day. Or grateful that they can can get clean water to drink and have roof over their head. 

Unless she has a revelation, she will be disappointed in you for the rest of your life.

How did you meet her?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

She needs to go counseling to get a grip on reality. She's a sad excuse for a woman.

The solution to this is that she needs to get a job and contribute finacially. If she needs more education then that could come first. 

Your child will do a lot better in a private daycare and schools than being raised by a SAHM with her lack of values and ungreatfulness.


----------



## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

whoa.. did your wife ever work? it sounds like she doesnt appreciate the value of the dollar. maybe because she's always been spoiled and never had to work. 

you paint the picture that she tends to this kid in her million dollar mansion and complains all day that her mansion isnt big enough. i think if you're doing the very best that you can.. then it's up to her to change the financial situation if she wants it changed. 

i dont see the point of the whole nanny thing.. what the hell is she gonna do if she doesnt even have that kid to tend to? eat bon bons and watch dr phil? ... and complain even more??? 

i'm sorry, but i think your wife needs to come back down to reality. she doesnt deserve anything you're providing for her.. take the funds you're wasting on jewelry that's not good enough for her and invest it for your son... or for yourself. she's ungrateful, and i cant see it getting any better until someone smacks her with a nice dose of reality. 

good luck!


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I think you have way too much house for your income.
You should try to downsize.
You're leveraged way too much just on earned income.
You don't say how much you have coming in from investments.
Your ratios are a lot worse than mine, and I have a fraction of the income you do, but way more free time and nobody's needs to keep up with other than my own and my kids, which I manage well via discussion...


----------



## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I've never been into 'stuff'. Don't care what the neighbours house is like or what car they drive so I can't really relate to her thinking but there is saying that goes something like

"Happiness is not getting everything you want, it's wanting what you have.

I wonder why your home and lifestyle isn't enough.... it sounds a very priviliged way of life in comparison to many folks lives.


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I agree with Enginerd. This is not a real situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ROWAN1 (Jun 21, 2012)

To all -
This is very much real. Why would I spend the time in going through all of this? I do not operate or act in such a way. With respect to NumeroUno (Sp?) post about leverage and ratios, I simply dont follow your logic. My home is leveraged at a 50 LTV. I put down $600K on the purchase and finance the balance at 3.75%, which is slightly under $2,800 a month. Factor in insurance, property tax, etc. and I'm a tick over $4k/month or $48K/year which, in relation to my income, is a 16% home-debt to income ration while most lenders are comfortable with a 35% DTI. So I'll leave it at that and not get further involved about the asset component. The facts and numbers are true...I am looking for help with respect to the issues I'm trying to resolve with my wife and the comments; not here to verify posts about my financial portfolio or whether this is an exercise in hyperbole...

In any event, to those who have answered with substantive feedback, thank you


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

I've been through this exact thing, and yeah I was making a lot of money too. It doesn't matter how much you make. She'll never be happy with it. The problem isn't money, or the amount of money, too much or too little. The problem is a fear of deprivation. Many women have this issue, both women raised in poverty and women raised in luxury. She needs a good therapist to help her find the root of the problem and fix it. Otherwise she'll never be happy, and you'll just end up broke and/or feeling like a failure.


----------



## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

ROWAN1 said:


> To all -
> This is very much real. Why would I spend the time in going through all of this? I do not operate or act in such a way. With respect to NumeroUno (Sp?) post about leverage and ratios, I simply dont follow your logic. My home is leveraged at a 50 LTV. I put down $600K on the purchase and finance the balance at 3.75%, which is slightly under $2,800 a month. Factor in insurance, property tax, etc. and I'm a tick over $4k/month or $48K/year which, in relation to my income, is a 16% home-debt to income ration while most lenders are comfortable with a 35% DTI. So I'll leave it at that and not get further involved about the asset component. The facts and numbers are true...I am looking for help with respect to the issues I'm trying to resolve with my wife and the comments; not here to verify posts about my financial portfolio or whether this is an exercise in hyperbole...
> 
> In any event, to those who have answered with substantive feedback, thank you


If this is real then it's simple. Stop trying to buy your wife's love. Don't reward her materialism moving forward. There must be more to the marriage then buying her a new ring or a new house? Basically, your telling us that you've suddenly discovered your wife is a shallow women. How can this be a surprise to you? What would happen if you got sick and lost all your money? Would she leave you for greener pastures?


----------



## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

You need to go to marital counseling and individual counseling. Don't make excuses because your child's well being is at stake and so is your marraige.

You both need to get a firm understanding of what is real and what should bring purpose to your lives. It's not money. 

As for the passion in your marraige- she sees you as a doormat. You need to get control and not allow her to treat you badly, women have passion for men that don't put up with nonsense from anyone, not even them. You don't want to turn into a tyrant but be a man who knows what he's about and have firm boundaries. Also start doing so
Etching together (volunteer for a charity) to remind you both of how great you have it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

Do it for your child.  If you don't stop this with your wife, your kid is gonna be her X 1000.

Remember the kid in Harry Potter (forget which episode) when it was his b-day his parents bought him like 40 something presents and he threw a fit that it was 1 less present than last year.

What did the parents do? They told him they would buy a couple more presents to appease him. Do you want that to be your kid?

One simple word, No. Say it calmly but very firmly so that there is no mistake that no means no.

I don't mean stop buying her anything at all. Buy what you want to buy her or things the both of you have agreed to buy but if she balks and says it's not enough, it's time to bring out the No.

Keep practicing, even little tots who 1st learn to speak know how to use it very effectively. No, No, No, No, No.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You're self employed and any kind of disability is going to unhinge your lifestyle. Self-employment is a huge risk, especially for you. Given that you're not in control of how much income you need, I'd say that the ratios are quite horrible. If you were actually in control of how much you needed, I'd say if you were insured adequately, you'd be doing okay. But if you get sidelined, and working 12 hours a day isn't such a great habit, your life will fall apart, I honestly don't think your wife would be up to the task of holding together a marriage with a disabled husband with increased physical caregiving needs and decreased income. Nuff said.


----------



## MindOverMatter (Jul 1, 2012)

I'm usually never one to call out someone's wife, but I cannot hold this.

Your wife is an ingrate.

You should take a trip to Detroit with her, and show her how some people live. Or New Orleans. Or the Bronx. Or probably 15 miles from your own home.

This woman sounds incredibly superficial. Frighteningly superficial. I don't anticipate she will get better with age.


----------



## ROWAN1 (Jun 21, 2012)

@homemaker numero uno - "I'd say that the rations are quite horrible"
You have no clue what my IRA Roth or other portfolios hold; you have no idea what type of disability and life insurance I have set up. My loan on the home has been cut in half at principal balance is less than $300K, so there is equity. Lastly - I have set up a more than secure fund for my son. I came here to get an appropriate take on marital issues. I work 12 hour days, yes, but to the extent self employment is a risk, for any human being, I've minimized it and then some. Nuff said. Dont bother responding to me if your just trying to knock on something that is unrelated to the core of what I am discussing.


----------



## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

I'll do my best to put everything in the most negative light possible. If everything is going good, you will strongly disagree with everything I write.



ROWAN1 said:


> She didnt like the 17,000 engagement ring


Did she marry you or did she marry your money?




> For the past 2 years, she has been talking about getting an 'upgrade' ring


wtf?



> She made a comment about not being at ease being at the 'bottom of the totum-pole' - yes, we are on the bottom of the totum pole when compared to the real housewives of orange county


So she cares more about image than about you? That's lovely.



> There is talk about considering a live-in nanny later on


Cool. Does that mean she'll get a job so she can buy expensive stuff to impress her friends?




> I think it has more to do with your wife's self-esteem and lack of purpose and your own precedent setting.


She might be using money as a replacement for self esteem, but what is your reason for putting up with this? Do you have low self esteem and feel that money is the only thing you have to offer? 
I'm curious to hear this because it's so unfamiliar to me. I've always been a big fan of Dutch dating and personal responsibility. Me and the gf have completely separate finances. I've been dumped many times because of my inflexibility, but I can happily say that I've never been screwed out of money by anyone.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

ROWAN1 said:


> @homemaker numero uno - "I'd say that the rations are quite horrible"
> You have no clue what my IRA Roth or other portfolios hold; you have no idea what type of disability and life insurance I have set up. My loan on the home has been cut in half at principal balance is less than $300K, so there is equity. Lastly - I have set up a more than secure fund for my son. I came here to get an appropriate take on marital issues. I work 12 hour days, yes, but to the extent self employment is a risk, for any human being, I've minimized it and then some. Nuff said. Dont bother responding to me if your just trying to knock on something that is unrelated to the core of what I am discussing.


I don't think your wife would stand by you if you became disabled. Think about a situation where you are cognitively disabled as well as physically disabled, such as a brain injury. No amount of money is going to make her that kind of woman, the kind that would give hands-on care and to never mind about lifestyle upkeep but to make family life a priority, regardless of circumstance. So, your money is useless at any amount and at any ratio, although it may buy comforts, it also buys your wife freedom. It seems to me as though you are defensive about your financial situation, stuck on saying it is great, sufficient, etc. You've covered all the contingencies are are rock solid or as close to it as a human can be. But clearly it isn't since you are asking for advice. Someone already wrote a song, "Money can't buy you love." Start humming it around the house, that's my advice, and watch to see what kind of reaction it brings. It doesn't surprise me your wife is how she is, as you are how you are, it makes perfect sense. One fishes with flies, one fishes with worms, one fishes with shiny lures...

If you post publicly you don't control who gets to respond and who doesn't. But my silence could be bought...you can PayPal me.


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Rowan,

In discussing the way you allocate your income within my reply, the point isn't to discuss the pros and cons of your financial planning. The point was to try to come up with ways that you can begin to challenge the assumptions that your wife makes in her expectations. By challenging with sound, accepted reasoning, evening if you try different approaches, you are showing that you value a life with different expectations. Some people become more socially conscious. Others are influenced by religion. You want your wife to value you for who you are as a man and a husband, but how do you begin to move the mountain and make it real? If you just say that you can't accept not being valued as a person, she can just pat you on the head and say that she does value you (I'm just kidding). Somehow, if you can attach these needs and values to an objective, accepted plan for the way you want your life to progress, I think you can begin to make change slowly, and methodically.

I see this often within the company that I work for. In the community, people mostly grow up in wealth that is greater than other parts of the country. Its just not uncommon for a person to have expectations like your wife does, so they don't see how this can lead the spouse into questioning the real foundation of their relationship. Its not an easy change to make in a marriage. Fortunately, my wife and I grew up with backgrounds where we don't value material things like others where I work. Some of my own drive to succeed at work was more about an unhealthy fear of poverty, and my wife helped me to find balance. We measure our life by the legacy we leave on each other's life, and other people that we help. 

You can both still enjoy the fruits of your success. The change, however, is in getting to a place where you can dream about the future you want, and she shares the joy of this dream instead of judging your ability to get there.


----------



## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

woahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! hold the phone!

NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

YOU ARE WONDERFUL! you provide her with everything, and she wants to upgrade a 17,000 dollar ring? She is digging her on grave with that selfishness. So what if you have the money for this ring...that isnt the point. the point is that she should be satisfied with the great things that she has. seems to me as if shes a bit materialistic. Dad, take that 17,000 and build your son an awesome basketball court! That im sure is where YOU and YOUR hard earned money will be most appreciated.

i shouldnt be so mean, and i could be out of line but you work hard and are depressed because you cant please someone that oviously cant be please her ownself and be happy with what she already has. Everyone wants new things, this world is soooooo materialistic. how about if you do buy a new house just get a nice little 4 bedroom and surprise the hell outta her and the see where you stand in your relationship. maybe that will give yo ua better idea of what she is REALLy after and what kind of person she is.


----------



## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

All I can picture is Elvira Montana, minus the coke addiction.

Sounds like your wife is bored & disappointed that she's not living HER idea of an extravagant lifestyle.
It's really too bad that she's putting such an emphasis on material items.
Did she grow up poor or wealthy?


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Rowan,

Was is the root of this issue? That she doesn't know about your future together because financially she said she's not where she thought she would be at 32? That was my take, but please answer again for clarification.

Also, are there other symptoms? Such as withholding affection. Or does she seem depressed? One symptom overall that is stronger than another?

She could be depressed, and is reevaluating her life. Maybe the stay at home mom "thing" isn't giving her any satisfaction.? Maybe she wants more time to pursuer some personal goals but feels "trapped", because of a kid at home? Hey! Kids take a lot of energy and especially when young, seem to drain the life out of you at times. I know I can get absolutely nothing done around the house when the kids get into "daddy! Daddy!" mode. Sometimes it's frustrating to me and it's something I think every parent has to come to grips with as a parent.

A nanny? Sure! Why not?! I have some good friends that ended up getting a full time nanny, and they both loved it immediately! It gave them more time for themselves, and their own goals. And it's not like they did it to "ignore" their kids. They are both professionals and they decided they just needed help too.

Perhaps a date night where you ...and just you two only...can go out and discuss what's really the cause of this "phase".?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

_Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger, 
But she ain't messin' with no broke, bloke_​

Is she really this shallow? Talk about entitlement.
Maybe because I’m not as wealthy as you (yes, you are just a stone’s throw from being a 1%) but I would have a hard time dealing with a superficial wife. I think you give her too much and she doesn’t appreciate it because she just sees you as a bank.

Top 1%: $380,354
Top 5%: $159,619

You need to start thinking about what you want instead of spoiling her like a child. BTW, I have found giving children everything they want ends up doing more harm than good. Some of the riches areas have some of the highest alcohol and drug abuse among teenagers.

She is not living in reality, she most likely needs NC and you need to find ways of stimulating her emotionally instead of materially. The "Five Love Languages" may be helpful in this case.


----------



## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

ArmyofJuan said:


> You need to start thinking about what you want instead of spoiling her like a child. BTW, I have found giving children everything they want ends up doing more harm than good. Some of the riches areas have some of the highest alcohol and drug abuse among teenagers.


It's not so much that being rich is bad, but that change from being rich to being average is like being thrown into ice cold water. One day you're eating steak and lobster at your parents house, a year later you're microwaving a burrito in your bachlor appartment. It might take decades for their quality of life to get back to where it was before they moved out.


----------



## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

ROWAN1 said:


> @homemaker numero uno - "I'd say that the rations are quite horrible"
> You have no clue what my IRA Roth or other portfolios hold; you have no idea what type of disability and life insurance I have set up. My loan on the home has been cut in half at principal balance is less than $300K, so there is equity. Lastly - I have set up a more than secure fund for my son. I came here to get an appropriate take on marital issues. I work 12 hour days, yes, but to the extent self employment is a risk, for any human being, I've minimized it and then some. Nuff said. Dont bother responding to me if your just trying to knock on something that is unrelated to the core of what I am discussing.


I find it interesting that both times you have choosen to reply here it was to refute criticisms of your financial decisions. There is irony in this fact. Don't you see it?


----------



## Santa (May 31, 2012)

She should be beaming with happiness... If that doesnt make her happy, then what the hell will?


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Considering the OP`s contribution to his own thread I think he`s gotten what he asked for.

I wasn`t sure people like the OP`s wife actually existed.


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

There's over 6 billion neighbors alive today. Each one unique. That means over 6 billion permutations of personality.

Nothing phases me any more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

