# Anniversary-realistic expectations?



## fairy godmother (Jun 10, 2010)

What are realistic expectations of a spouse on your anniversary? 

With my DH's new job as a manager he works a lot, I may see him for a couple of hours a day at most if I stay up late enough for him to return home...this week he had off one day and we spent that together...last weekend he had the whole weekend off which doesn't happen often and I was hoping for something special to be planned...we were going to go somewhere but the plans fell through because his relative couldn't go. So, we stayed home and it wasn't bad, but I do really enjoy having a plan to go and do something together. Now, tomorrow is our first anniversary and I feel like he hasn't given any forethought to any kind of plans whatsoever.  This morning he said he was opening the store so he could return early at around 9pm, then tomorrow he's off. But, I stopped by his work to see him and he just told me that he had plans to help a coworker move stuff after work. He said that the coworker 'invited' me too, but I have a 6 yo that needs to be in bed around 9pm. So, I told him no, even though I don't have anything against his coworker. It's just that DD has a bedtime. He knows I was upset about this and he says well nothing I do makes you happy....blah blah. It's really hard to expect to be able to see him then he makes plans at the last minute. I'm probably overacting cuz he is helping someone out but this combined with him not making any plans for our anniversary makes me feel miffed. Am I expecting too much???? Should I not care so much about an anniversary? Yesterday, I drove several miles to get him books that he had ordered and couldn't pick up. I surprised him with these yesterday, but I'm kinda feeling like I shouldn't expect much of anything for the anniversary. Although, today he made me a heart shaped pizza. Again am I expecting too much? :scratchhead:


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

I think we have 2 different issues.

1) the anniversary - yes he should do something nice - but that doesn't mean plan a big production. It could simply be planning something nice at home. Your anniversary is tomorrow so he may have something in mind you don't know about yet and you did get your heart pizza - which is sweet 

2) going to help/hang out with friends - as you've said - he doesn't have a lot of free time due to his job - he does need personal time to not be with you and your DD - just like you should be able to have time to go do things for yourself. This was probably one of those times to 'hang out with the boys' and you not being happy about it kind of rained on his parade. 

Kind of tough that #2 ties into your anniversary concerns because normally I wouldn't see anything wrong with it.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

He may not have much time to 'help/hang with the boys', but it is unacceptable to make other plans (without prior clearance) on an anniversary... not to mention the FIRST anniversary!


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Today isn't the anniversary (when he was helping friends) - tomorrow is right? Just wanting to make sure I understood.


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## fairy godmother (Jun 10, 2010)

Nope he didn't have anything planned, don't even know if I'll get a card or anything


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

Did you discuss anything with him about planning something for the anniversary? did you tell him you wanted to do something or expected something? I know it kind of kills the romance, but sometimes you really have to be blunt with the guys about what you want....they aren't mind readers. The date may be important to you, but it may not be as important to him (and that's not to say you aren't important, but some guys don't have a clue about any sort of birthdays/anniversaries, etc).


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## SaltLake (Aug 2, 2010)

You know, I have similar issues with my wife. I posted my issues today as well, take a look if you have a minute. But basically I would expect a big to do and get nothing or something so sad and miniscule that I tell her it wasn't worth it to do anything at that point. I guess it all depends on expectations. I expect a reasonably well thought out gift, a to do on my birthday, a big to do on a major birthday. She provides nothing and I am upset. At first I guess its just not important to her, then I thought maybe she just doesn't have the same expectations as I do.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

Like I said to SaltLake, we are all different and we all express love differently. Think about it like this.

I really love BBQ, I will go crazy over a nice and tender brisket (YUM)!!! My wife really loves Mexican and enjoys eating cheese enchiladas. I will eat cheese enchiladas because my wife has said she likes them. I don't hate cheese enchiladas, but they aren't the first thing I think about when I think of food. When my wife really wants to each cheese enchiladas, she tells me. Because she has to tell me, does that mean I don't care, or don't love her? No, of course not!

A lot of times we halo our own wants and desires onto our spouses and are hurt and upset when those same things aren't haloed back to us. We are separate individuals who's minds work differently. If we want something from our spouse specifically it is up to us to make sure our spouse knows that. If you want cheese enchiladas, tell them! If you want Brisket, tell them! Don't expect them to always be pre-programmed to know what, when and where you are thinking.

Have you and your hubby take this test 5lovelanguages. It gives you both good insight into how both of you perceive and express love. Once you have a baseline, you can both work from there for mutual understanding.


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## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

From the sounds of it, I'd be pretty miffed too. 

First of all, with his time so limited, he really should be spending as much as possible with his family, and taking care of those responsibilities. However, occasionally there should be allowed some guy time. Does he change his plans without consulting you and do things with/for people often? If so, that is something you need to discuss with him. IMO, that behavior is okay for single people, but married people, not so much. 

Have you made it clear that the anniversary coming up is a big deal, and therefore you expect him to plan something? Guys can be dense, especially about special occasions like anniversaries and birthdays, so you really have to spell it out. Either tell him what you expect him to do, or if you don't mind, make the plans yourself and let him know when to show up. 

My problem with my H is that he has gotten lazy over the years and expects me to plan everything, even what I want to do for my birthday. On one hand it's nice because we do what I want, but oh how I wish he would plan something nice for me for a change. For our anniversary last month I made the plans, reservations, etc. For my birthday, I ordered the tickets for the hockey game I wanted to go to. I've told him that I wish he would plan something nice for me, but he always blames finances. I'd be thrilled if he set up a nice bubble bath, cooked me dinner, or packed a picnic. I realize that I helped create this problem, as planning things is a big part of my personality, but how to change this, even a little....


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