# Need some help from the guys about sex



## nicole2009 (Apr 26, 2011)

So my husband and I were laying in bed last night and I don't remember what made us talk about foreplay but we did. He said "how would you feel if every time we had sex we you had to give me oral to get me in the mood". I don't expect him to do it every time but I do need to be kissed or something to get aroused. Is it that unusual for women to need something and not be able to jump in bed and be ready? What I wanted to say is " Well maybe if we had some physical contact during the day then it would be a little easier to get in the mood when we go to bed". If he isn't in the mood, we don't do it. I can never initiate sex with him because he always turns it down. So when we do anything its when he wants. We have been together for 9 years and I never thought he felt this way. I was always under the impression men liked to please their woman. Maybe i was wrong?


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Do you do oral for him?

He sounds resentfull that you don't desire him.

you should have told him in a nonconfronting way that you need more physical contact durning the day. and that he turns you down when you try to initiate.

I'm sure he likes to please you hes trying to tell you what his needs are in a neanderthal round about way.


----------



## nicole2009 (Apr 26, 2011)

Oh we have had that talk plenty of times. He promises not to turn me down but he still does. I have never told him no to sex, not 1 time since we have been married. What he wants is a quickie or for me to just give him oral and be done. Yes I do give him oral during foreplay but he wants me to finish it and then we don't have sex. We have sex 3 times a month, weather that is intercourse or him just getting oral, its the same amount.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well to me it sounds like he wants to just bang sometimes and forego the oral at times. You guys will have to compromise. 

Also, if you don't go down on him, start doing it.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

nicole2009 said:


> What he wants is a quickie or for me to just give him oral and be done. Yes I do give him oral during foreplay but he wants me to finish it and then we don't have sex.


Then do it.

Also, tell him how you hate feeling rejected for sex.


----------



## nicole2009 (Apr 26, 2011)

He is always pleased. Every time we have sex. Which is not much. Most of the time its every 2 weeks. We are in our 20's so I don't think that is very much at all. If I give him oral instead of sex then we go a month without having sex. Doesn't seem very fair. He wouldn't go that long without anything.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

nicole2009 said:


> Oh we have had that talk plenty of times. He promises not to turn me down but he still does. I have never told him no to sex, not 1 time since we have been married. What he wants is a quickie or for me to just give him oral and be done. Yes I do give him oral during foreplay but he wants me to finish it and then we don't have sex. *We have sex 3 times a month, weather that is intercourse or him just getting oral, its the same amount*.


I count sex as intercourse that is satifying to both partners. So having sex X number per week. Then anything else I count as other. So BJs, HJs, Oral for her whatever are other. Other is good. Intercourse varies as to how long and so on.

So if one of those three times a month is a BJ only for him that really does not count as you guys having sex.

So not so good. 

BTW, there is nothing wrong with quickies. Maybe that is part of the issue. If you can only have sex that lasts for long periods it can be hard to find those opportunities every time. 

I very much prefer to pleasure my wife before we have intercourse. It is better for the both of us.


----------



## nicole2009 (Apr 26, 2011)

I wouldn't mind having quickies if it was on top of the 2-3 times a month we have sex, but it's not. If we have a quickie, that's it for another 2 weeks.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

nicole2009 said:


> I wouldn't mind having quickies if it was on top of the 2-3 times a month we have sex, but it's not. If we have a quickie, that's it for another 2 weeks.


I absolutely meant on top of what you were doing for sure.
Just trying to help eliminate why you don't have sex more often.


----------



## nicole2009 (Apr 26, 2011)

Thank you for your help. It's just getting really hard to enjoy it. Every time we have sex and he does something for me, it feels fake or like he doesn't want to do. A lot of times I feel used afterwards. I hate feeling like that but it is what it is.


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Maybe he should've married a man instead of trying to get you to respond like one. If he looks at the caressing, touching, etc before you two head to bed as work, then he's really missed the boat, and effectively trying to turn it into a selfish relationship. If on the unlikely chance that he is somehow implying that you are not meeting his needs, then he should just talk to you instead of trying to turn it into a mechanical act.

I think you need to work on establishing boundaries. This is not saying that you should only treat him as well as he treats you. Its telling him what your needs are, and that you expect him to respect them, while you will respect his in turn. Rule number one is that oral on him all the way doesn't meet your needs if sex is only a couple of times per month. Its more like icing on the cake for a regular sex life.


----------



## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Halien said:


> Maybe he should've married a man instead of trying to get you to respond like one. If he looks at the caressing, touching, etc before you two head to bed as work, then he's really missed the boat, and effectively trying to turn it into a selfish relationship. If on the unlikely chance that he is somehow implying that you are not meeting his needs, then he should just talk to you instead of trying to turn it into a mechanical act.
> 
> I think you need to work on establishing boundaries. This is not saying that you should only treat him as well as he treats you. Its telling him what your needs are, and that you expect him to respect them, while you will respect his in turn. Rule number one is that oral on him all the way doesn't meet your needs if sex is only a couple of times per month. Its more like icing on the cake for a regular sex life.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Nichole this may seem like an inpertenant question but do you feel that your husband loves you? If you look at his actions not his words are there indications of love and caring? If not, I would examine carefully and come up with a talk outside of the bedroom. Men can easily separate love from sex and it seems to me that he expects you to service him and not share an intimate connection. 

I say that because sex does not appear to bring you closer. If you don't feel tgat you are getting intimacy and a connection from sex than you are just providing him with pleasure and tgat is it. Do you have children? Do you love him as he is not what you fantisies a husband should be. 

I don't think this will change but you can change. If sex makes you feel used then tell him and don't have sexual contact that makes you feel used. If he is not motivated to please you and love you then why stay with him? I don't advocate giving up too soon. First tell him what you wrote here. Don't be afraid of losing him, sometimes you have to lose to win. 

You seem to be tolerating a situation that is not good for you. Either change it or get out. Put effort into changing tge situation by communicating explicitly what you need and what you fell. If he seems forced ask him about it in a non accusatory way. If what you get from him is unsatisfactory for you, decide Olof this is how you want to live. 

Women are givers and pleasers. We sometimes do not protect ourselves from being used. This saps your self esteem and ruins your chances to find true love. You have to expect to be lived and appreciated. Men do not love just because you give they love what they need to work for. If he is not willing to put in the work then he may not love you enough and does not mind if you leave if you are too much work. 

Woman up and take responsibility for your emotional well being. Never let your self be used and expect to be treated well and with appreciation or just stop giving. If you lose him as a result of not servicing him then you at lest have developed the skills to attract a man who will work to make you pleased and happy. Your husband does not seem to be that man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nicole2009 (Apr 26, 2011)

Thank you. I will talk to him again later. When we were having sex 2-3 times a week I didn't mind quickies or giving him oral without anything in return.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You should mind, you are not valuing yourself or what you give so naturally he does not. He does nit have to do anything to get what get wants. Ithonk he has tge guall to ask you to warm him up and he is unwilling to warm you up. If he expects tyat from you and he is nit willing to give tgan he should donwithout so he knows how it feels. If you are in your 20still and he uf sexually attracted to you he should be able to be arrouses by just thonking about having Sex with you. Is he sexually attracted to you. It does not sound like it. 

It may be painful to realize but also helpful you can decide if you want thus man or one who finds you sexually attractive. Don't have a talk without a plan to put into effect boundaries. These should not be mistaken for demands or ultimatums. They are simply statements of where you draw the line in reference to what you need and expect. Tgey also set consequences for crossing tge like. That is tge nature of bounderies, tgey protect the person who establish them from abuse, being used and taken for granted. . 

You will never get change if you just talk and accept the status quo. Actions or lack thereof should have consequences for him. You are not a service worker, so don't act like one. Approach this with your dignity intact without that you will eventually feel defeated and beaten down. Don't allow yourself to get to that point - it is up to you to protect yourself and not give over that power to someone else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> You should mind, you are not valuing yourself or what you give enough. Don't have a talk without a plan to put into effect boundaries. These should not be mistaken for demands or ultimatums. They are simply statements of where you draw the line in reference to what you need and expect. Tgey also set consequences for crossing tge like. That is tge nature of bounderies, tgey protect the person who establish them from abuse, being used and taken for granted. .
> 
> You will never get change if you just talk and accept the status quo. Actions or lack thereof should have consequences for him. You are not a service worker, so don't act like one. Approach this with your dignity intact without that you will eventually feel defeated and beaten down. Don't allow yourself to get to that point - it is up to you to protect yourself and not give over that power to someone else.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well put! When your real needs are being met AND you are overflowing with love, oral will make him so happy. Otherwise, it just makes him feel entitled.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

If you act in a strong and dignified person, , you will be rewarded with a man who values you because you value yourself. Little girls believe in fairy tales and prince charming. There are no such things. 

There are men and women with an approach to life that are in some ways characteristic. Learn about men by reading how they think and what their behavior means. Armed with this you will be able to decode your husband's attitude towards you. you will also avoid pitfalls common to women based on not knowing the differences between men and women.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nicole2009 (Apr 26, 2011)

Yes we have 2 children. I don't think he needs me to warm him up but he says things like "you orgasm 2-3 times during foreplay and I don't" and things like that. Like he doesn't want me to enjoy it more than him or something. I don't really understand why its like this. All of this has happened in the last year. It hasn't always been like this. When he tries to have sex he is always aroused. If I wear something sexy he will comment on it. I have never given him consequences for anything. I don't even know where to start. I have always given him whatever he wanted and put my wants and needs last but it's getting exhausting.


----------



## nicole2009 (Apr 26, 2011)

I guess I was just trying to please him no matter how it made me feel because I thought that would make me want him. He is the only man I have ever been with. First serious boyfriend, sex partner, everything. My mom had a lot of men in and out of my life as a child but they always left and I think that's were most of this comes from. I don't want my kids to be hurt like I was.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

nicole2009 said:


> I guess I was just trying to please him no matter how it made me feel because I thought that would make me want him.


A marriage is composed of two people. BOTH should try to meet the needs of the other and care about pleasing the other. If your husband made an attempt to try and truly please you, I bet that would make you want him more, eh? 

Right now, you are feeding him, but he is not feeding you and you are starting to run on empty.


----------



## nicole2009 (Apr 26, 2011)

So what should I do about it? I suck at setting boundaries with him. Not give him what he wants?


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

nicole2009 said:


> So what should I do about it? I suck at setting boundaries with him. Not give him what he wants?


Do you know what it is he really wants? Is he just being selfish about this, or do you think there are other things that he could be lacking in the relationship (not necessarily sexual ones)?

What is your relationship like outside of the bedroom?

What is the willingness of your husband to work with you to make positive changes in your relationship?

Start to educate yourself as to how you can empower yourself. You don't have to be harsh or a b!tch - just become more self-confident and assured. Read through some of these threads. They may give you some food for thought:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/27179-boundary-testing-handbook.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/25889-what-does-mean-woman-up.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html


----------



## nicole2009 (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm not sure what he wants. I ask him and he says he is getting what he wants and he thinks things are good (maybe they are for him since he is getting everything he wants and needs lol)

Outside the bedroom? We get along pretty good. We do a lot of family things together with the kids. We went on a date alone wed. We have issues just like anyone else I guess but nothing major like cheating or anything. 

He says he is willing to change and usually does for awhile but then goes back to his old ways.

I am starting to think he is just being selfish. Looking back he has been a little selfish since we have been married. Not so much in the bedroom but if he does something (even if he is not asked) he expects me to do twice as much for him or he will bring it up every chance he gets. When I do stuff for him its because I love him and want to make his life easier. Not to get something in return. All he has to worry about is work. I don't ask for help around the house, with the kids, I keep both cars clean, and do any yard work that needs to be done. I don't ask for anything in return except for him to be more loving and put me first sometimes.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

nicole2009 said:


> I guess I was just trying to please him no matter how it made me feel because I thought that would make me want him. He is the only man I have ever been with. First serious boyfriend, sex partner, everything. My mom had a lot of men in and out of my life as a child but they always left and I think that's were most of this comes from. I don't want my kids to be hurt like I was.


Nicole now I see why you are giving too much. you have had no experience of men. I was the same way when I got married. But I studied men and you can do the same. 

According to studies, most men value what they work hard for and need to work hard to keep. They put effort into winning that which they value. 

In relationships, once a man wins the woman, they may put less effort into keeping her if she gives too much and never ask for anything in return. He may interpret that as low self esteem and he may not value her if she does not place a high value on herself. 

If you never offer him a challenge, ask for nothing from him, accept selfishness, and give too much he actually becomes less loving and appreciative and takes you and all you give for granted. You make it too easy. 

In the matting game giving more than you get means that you value him above yourself. That gives him the upper hand in the relationship. He can be careless because he assumes he has the right of refusal. He thinks no matter how he treats you, you will always be there giving him everything he wants. 

Instead of a lover and a vibrant woman, with a life and identity of her own, you may be seen as a mother of sorts in his eyes. You offer no challenge and he interest in pleasing you and working to make you happy. 

You can change this dynamic and see dramatic changes in him. May I suggest a book.	"For Couples Only: Eyeopening Insights about How the Opposite Sex Thinks" Shaunti Feldhahn (Author), Jeff Feldhahn (Author). It is written by a husband and wife team. 

I don't think books and articles in Cosmo by women on how men think are always accurate. I like this book because it has input from a man. There are several other books. Search "understanding men". 

You also need to understand yourself as a woman and why you think you need to give so much. Two very good books by the same authors - For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women and For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women. 

If you don't change you will eventually shut down and lose your attraction for your husband. That may be starting to happen.


----------



## nicole2009 (Apr 26, 2011)

Thank you for taking the time to write that. I think you're right. I don't know why I give so much. It is not just with him either. I have been like that since an early age. At 12 I started taking care of my sisters baby so she could go out and enjoy her teen years. I try to take care of everyone but it is getting exhausting. I will read the book.


----------



## Six (Jul 2, 2011)

I'm a man in a similar situation. I want to "fool around" with my wife. She just wants to "get to it" and have intercourse.

I think there are sensual people who are highly-stimulated and satisfied by foreplay. I've had partners like this.

And I think there are others for whom only the sex act itself is stimulating.

It's a tremendous bummer for both parties.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Six said:


> I'm a man in a similar situation. I want to "fool around" with my wife. She just wants to "get to it" and have intercourse.
> 
> I think there are sensual people who are highly-stimulated and satisfied by foreplay. I've had partners like this.
> 
> ...


@ Six ~

You need to try and find a way to meet in the middle - sensual foreplay sometimes, getting right to it during others.

If your wife is not willing to work on that with you, then you have some issues in your relationship outside the bedroom that may need to be addressed.

Best Wishes.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Nicole you are welcome. You remind me a bit of myself growing up. I was a very good girl to please my parents, especially my father. He had a mistress and as a result my mother was depressed and in pain. I thought if I was perfect he would love our family and my mother and stop hurting her. Of course it had no effect on the situation but I tried even harder. 

Were you helpful to get love because of some neglect in your early life. I had to learn to stop giving too much through 1 yr of f therapy. It was difficult not to step in and help. I egnored my needs and sacrificed for orthers. Can you get therapy behavior therapy would be the best it is short and intensive. 

At first it will be difficult but if you stick with it, it will become second nature. Start now with your husband. Start slowly and tgen buld on sucess. You may fall back but thats normal. Just pick up and move ahead Just know that if you don't you are destined to shut down and have an empty marriage. You may also get divorced. Why chance this happening when you can work to decrease the risk that this will happen? 

I wish you good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nicole2009 (Apr 26, 2011)

I think it has a lot to do with my father. My mom and him got divorced when I was 8 but even when they were together he was never around. He always had other women on the side. Once they were divorced he made little effort to be a part of my life and he is still like that. I have talked to him 1 time in 2 years and that was Christmas.


----------



## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Nicole you are being a doormat, he is not cherishing you and loving you as he should. If he loves you he will want to meet your needs too.

If one person all ways does the giving then they end up resentful and the relationship will not last. He needs to understand that he is destroying the relation ship with his selfish behaviour, and you are allowing it. 

I hope you take the advice on this thread.


----------

