# Should a couple discuss donations they make?



## Obfuscator (8 mo ago)

My wife just told me that about a month ago she had donated to a cause I feel ambivalent about. I said I would have expected her to tell me about it sooner if not discuss it beforehand. She became very upset by this. 

We have a single family budget and we always discuss (or so I thought) any expenses that aren't absolutely required. We both work and we make enough to put food on the table and pay off our mortgage, but not much more beyond that.

My problem isn't the amount or the donation itself, but the fact she didn't think to share this with me. Was it wrong of me to tell her how I felt about this? 

Thank you for any advice!

P.S. I can provide more details about the cause and what I think of it, but this is secondary. Please let me know if you need this additional info to provide an informed answer.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Given your situation, you would be in the "right" to be upset by this. 

The context as to _why _your wife did what she did may make it easier for you to understand or forgive.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Obfuscator said:


> My wife just told me that about a month ago she had donated to a cause I feel ambivalent about. I said I would have expected her to tell me about it sooner if not discuss it beforehand. She became very upset by this.
> 
> We have a single family budget and we always discuss (or so I thought) any expenses that aren't absolutely required. We both work and we make enough to put food on the table and pay off our mortgage, but not much more beyond that.
> 
> ...


More information might be of help.

Was it her money or family budget money?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

As with most things, it depends.
1. If it was a significant donation, then yes she should discuss with you before making it. And you are correct to be upset that she didn’t.
2. If it was for a cause that you oppose, yes she should discuss it with you (or just not do it). And you would be correct to be upset.

But if the amount was small and within her typical discretional spending threshold, and you’re not really opposed to the cause in question, I don’t think it’s a big deal. 

If my wife donated $50 to help albino puppies in Patagonia, I really wouldn’t care. I’m quite ambivalent about albino puppies in Patagonia but not opposed to them, and the 50 bucks isn’t gonna break us, so whatever.


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## Obfuscator (8 mo ago)

> Was it her money or family budget money?


Like I said, we have a single family budget; no "my money" or "her money".



> The context as to _why _your wife did what she did may make it easier for you to understand or forgive.


Please see below for more details. And I don't think she did anything wrong per se, so there's nothing to forgive. I just felt like I deserved to be told about it -- not to be asked for permission, but just to be made aware of it.

She and I seem to have different priorities regarding who or what deserves to be donated to. However, I can't have a say in it if I don't know about it, can I? I suspect she did not tell me about precisely because she didn't want us to have a discussion about the merits of the cause.

She donated 60 euro (about 70 US dollars) to an animal shelter. This is a small but kind gesture, and it might even help some animals get better care. However, the animal shelter is in Ukraine. There is an actual war going on there, with tens of thousands of people dead and millions displaced from their homes over the last 3 months. With so many people suffering, I would certainly consider directing donations toward helping people before animals. I would also do due diligence to check that the person or charity can be trusted to spend the funds the way they claim to.

How this came up: I suggested she could hold a fundraiser on Facebook (she has 7000+ friends and followers) selling one of her pieces of art, and we could then donate the proceeds to a charity in Ukraine. That's when she said she had already made a (smaller) donation a month ago.

For more background about us: we don't typically donate to public causes, but we help our family back home where we come from (which is not Ukraine).



> the 50 bucks isn’t gonna break us, so whatever.


You're right, that's not the point. The point is to share things and keep each other in the loop -- like a couple, you know? This issue was important enough for her to open her PayPal and send the money, but not enough to tell me about it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The cause she donated to is more than likely a scam.

Everyone is asking for money, using the situation in Ukraine as a heart tugging teaser.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Obfuscator said:


> My wife just told me that about a month ago she had donated to a cause I feel ambivalent about. I said I would have expected her to tell me about it sooner if not discuss it beforehand. She became very upset by this.
> 
> We have a single family budget and we always discuss (or so I thought) any expenses that aren't absolutely required. We both work and we make enough to put food on the table and pay off our mortgage, but not much more beyond that.
> 
> ...


I always ask for input from Mrs. C about donations.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Obfuscator said:


> My wife just told me that about a month ago she had donated to a cause I feel ambivalent about. I said I would have expected her to tell me about it sooner if not discuss it beforehand. She became very upset by this.
> 
> We have a single family budget and we always discuss (or so I thought) any expenses that aren't absolutely required. We both work and we make enough to put food on the table and pay off our mortgage, but not much more beyond that.
> 
> ...


Yes.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Obfuscator said:


> My wife just told me that about a month ago she had donated to a cause I feel ambivalent about. I said I would have expected her to tell me about it sooner if not discuss it beforehand. She became very upset by this.
> 
> We have a single family budget and we always discuss (or so I thought) any expenses that aren't absolutely required. We both work and we make enough to put food on the table and pay off our mortgage, but not much more beyond that.
> 
> ...


I think maybe the fair thing to do would be to decide how much each of you is going to donate to the charity of your choice, not that you should have a say in what charity she gives to or you give to. 

I know someone who really messed up. She worked for a non-profit, and they gave her the spiel about how it's all tax deductible. She didn't have much experience with that. She thought she could literally write off everything she donated 100% and didn't understand that only a percentage of it would actually come off her taxes and neither did her husband know it. So they gave away a whole lot of money one year and really messed themselves up financially. I guess because she worked for them she just trusted them. I told her I had heard the same spiel from a realtor.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Money & Marriage can be complicated. Our solution was that each party is free to spend up to $X on anything without consulting the other. Over that, we talk about it. 

Due to the philosophical nature of a cause, perhaps you can add a marital rule about consultations in the future. Generally DH & I support similiar causes so it's not much of an issue but I see your point; I'd be really upset if he donated to some cause I was actively working against. Since you are ambivalent about the cause she donated to, let go of your upset & simply discuss with her how to handle issues like this going forward. 

Here, I agree with you about the priorities -- people over animals -- as much as I love animals. Also due diligence is required given the uncertain situation. Talk more about how you fear she was scammed & the money is not going where she pledged it. Don't make your discussion about you controlling her or dictating what she does with money. Just express your concern about the legitimacy of this particular charity. Make the potential for scam the focus on your discussion


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

My wife and I discuss everything in our budget. Last weekend, our church was taking up a special offering for a certain cause. We had not budgeted anything for this offering in our monthly budget, so I asked her what she thought we should give. She came up with the exact same number that I had in mind so that's what we gave. We each get some money each month that is ours to do with as we please. Other than that, everything is discussed so there are no money issues or misunderstandings in our house.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I think you're mostly upset because you oppose the purpose of the donation. However, I agree with you about prior discussion IF the amount is significant given your finances, say, over $25. Otherwise, it would seem to fall within normal discretionary expenses and not require discussion. Rather than try to impose a rule about discussing such donations in advance (you are different people with some different sympathies), set a limit over which you both agree to discuss such things prior to acting.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

D0nnivain said:


> Money & Marriage can be complicated. Our solution was that each party is free to spend up to $X on anything without consulting the other. Over that, we talk about it.
> 
> Due to the philosophical nature of a cause, perhaps you can add a marital rule about consultations in the future. Generally DH & I support similiar causes so it's not much of an issue but I see your point; I'd be really upset if he donated to some cause I was actively working against. Since you are ambivalent about the cause she donated to, let go of your upset & simply discuss with her how to handle issues like this going forward.
> 
> Here, I agree with you about the priorities -- people over animals -- as much as I love animals. Also due diligence is required given the uncertain situation. Talk more about how you fear she was scammed & the money is not going where she pledged it. Don't make your discussion about you controlling her or dictating what she does with money. Just express your concern about the legitimacy of this particular charity. Make the potential for scam the focus on your discussion


I'm the opposite and donate to animals over people since they have no way to earn a living or help themselves and I like them better and people are the source of most of their problems.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Obfuscator said:


> My wife just told me that about a month ago she had donated to a cause I feel ambivalent about. I said I would have expected her to tell me about it sooner if not discuss it beforehand. She became very upset by this.
> 
> We have a single family budget and we always discuss (or so I thought) any expenses that aren't absolutely required. We both work and we make enough to put food on the table and pay off our mortgage, but not much more beyond that.
> 
> ...


If it's out of joint money, I think so. 
However, if you're giving out of whatever allotment that you're allowed to spend without accountability, it's your money so I don't think so.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

My wife donates to all kinds of things I don’t care about. As long as it isn’t something that will cause problems for us I don’t care. An example would be a controversial political party or anything large enough to show up on a FEC filing that could cause a woke mob to enrage.

A large donation would need to be discussed beforehand, but I don’t think she has ever donated anything of consequence other than to our endowment.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm the opposite and donate to animals over people since they have no way to earn a living or help themselves and I like them better and people are the source of most of their problems.


I make pretty large donations to animal welfare charities and I pay for the training of two guide dogs every year. If people don’t like it that’s their problem. 
Nobody gets to tell me how to spend my money.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Absolutely yes


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## Obfuscator (8 mo ago)

Thank you for all your responses! They are very helpful.

I just want to clarify one thing. Everyone saying "yes", what question were you answering? Was it this one "Was it wrong of me to tell her how I felt about this?", meaning that I was indeed wrong? Or are you answering the question in the title of my post, "Should couples discuss donations?"

I apologize for wording my questions in such a convoluted way. Thank you for bearing with me.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Andy1001 said:


> I make pretty large donations to animal welfare charities and I pay for the training of two guide dogs every year. If people don’t like it that’s their problem.
> Nobody gets to tell me how to spend my money.


You are my new hero.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

We have a joint account and Mr D is fine about me donating to charities. Its never that much as we haven't got much, but I probably donate something about once a week or so mainly to animal charities. If we had more and I wanted to donate larger amounts yes I would talk to him about it first.
I remember some years ago he came back from an evening service where they had had a really lovely lady missionary giving a talk. He said that he strongly felt God wanted him to give, and it was a large amount. I was quite taken aback but I didn't question it because I am not going to question God, and we did have more money then as well.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Obfuscator said:


> Thank you for all your responses! They are very helpful.
> 
> I just want to clarify one thing. Everyone saying "yes", what question were you answering? Was it this one "Was it wrong of me to tell her how I felt about this?", meaning that I was indeed wrong? Or are you answering the question in the title of my post, "Should couples discuss donations?"
> 
> I apologize for wording my questions in such a convoluted way. Thank you for bearing with me.


How much was it?


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

What is bugging you more - the donation or the spending?

We have a joint account that we deposit our check into and how we budget from - mortgage, bills etc. come from that account and any additions or deviations are closely monitored.

From this account, we each take separate money in to our own private accounts because we are separate human beings and sometimes want to spend the money that is earned in our own way - for situations like this and other things like surprises, alternate investments or splurges. I like mystery in our marriage and I do want the autonomy to make purchases without a microscope on me. 


Donation wise, couples should be able to discuss donations - BUT this does not mean that you will have the same opinion after the discussion - hence the separate accounts. I don't think it's wrong to express your opinions, have discussions and not always agree.


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