# Unbalanced responsibilities



## ItMatters (Jun 6, 2012)

Like everyone, I’ve been lurking for a while and have enjoyed hearing everyone’s stories. 

Here’s my intro.

(This feels like standing up in front of the group and saying “Hi, my name’s Christy and my marriage is in trouble” and everyone says “hi Christy!”) 

I’ve been married for 14yrs with kids. My husband has been self-employed for most of that period.

He’s in a service business- similar to real estate- and it has been wrecked over the past four years with the economy. He has managed to keep the door open and payroll/bills mostly met but due to those obligations he’s been making more/less the equivalent of minimum wage all those years. 

We’ve been in joint counseling for about eight months because I just couldn’t handle that his business wasn’t really improving, he wasn’t doing much to make it improve and I am bringing in most of the family’s income so I insisted we start counseling. Plus he has been generally withdrawn and not real active in our marriage for the last few years too.

He has agreed to reduce his overhead which should help bring home more money, but I don’t see that his business can really pick up to where it was in the ‘best of times’ due to changes within his industry. There is more and more competition out there and while business used to end up in his lap, now he has to chase it and that’s hard. I’ve asked him to consider different careers and he isn’t that interested/doesn’t know what he’d want to do and so forth. He loves doing what he does. He ‘believes’ there has got to be business out there- but doesn’t any strong reason to believe except 'it has to'. (I will say that this year HAS been the best year since the crash but it’s still nowhere near what he use to do- still not making above min wage.)

We, of course, have other issues too- I’m more of a driven person and successful in my career (tech industry so I work in a male dominated field and know how to hold my own) and he’s been less and less a partner in the marriage over the past years- he says I always get my own way anyway so why even try. I swear while I am a strong personality I do NOT run over him or anybody. If he really voices an opinion I feel I have listened and responded- either him getting his way or maybe more negotiations where we both seem to be happier with the decision. He doesn’t do much except for ‘guy stuff’ around the house, so little help with cooking or cleaning- although he watches kids when I need him to or will typically do things (fix the kids a sandwich or throw a load of laundry in the wash if I specifically ask).

On the good side, he’s a nice man, honest and kind. He’s good with the kids (not super involved, but better than many) and he has never been bad to me. Yes, the spark has not been there for a while and we aren’t affectionate (except for sex) and we rarely communicate because of so many danger zones it seems… 

I am very resentful about him not doing more to be a better financial contributor to the family. We are meeting our bills, but just that. There is little $$ left over for more than a few dinners out per month and maybe a movie or fun night out (we pinch pennies but we aren’t being overly deprived). 

I guess I just wonder… am I off my rocker for wanting, expecting more? I don’t mind earning more money than my spouse, but to earn 80% of the money and also carry 80% or more of the household responsibilities… seems way unbalanced to me and I can’t understand how even after repeating these issues to him multiple times he insists that his industry WILL support us again with him reducing his overhead and that will make him less stressed which will make him happier. (this certainly couldn’t hurt our relationship)

My IC says that I have three kids and one of them I can’t tell what to do. That I can spend more time, waiting for him to meet my expectations, but that it just might not be in him. That he is okay with the status quo of not making a lot of money (especially if he continues to get to do what he wants to do) and isn’t going to want more.

I want a spouse that will be a partner. Make decent money (I don’t need $80k a year, but even $40k would be nice) be willing to make decisions and/or help me make decisions, be the one to suggest stuff, look for ways to enrich our lives (not money, but new experiences and such).

When we met he was confident, loved what he was doing, made decent money, was happy… I realize the economy and changes to his industry have been this perfect storm, but he wants to keep sailing the same sea and I don’t know that I believe that’s going to work for me in the long term. 

It’s tough to imagine leaving and splitting up our family over this because he IS a good person and a good dad… but I am tired of being what feels like the sole responsible person in what is supposed to be a partnership. I feel neglected and deserted in many respects and that he’s chosen his business over supporting his family.


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

Looks like the only problem you have with your spouse is him not bringing in enough money and the role of being the primary breadwinner is starting to become a burden to you. I don't think you really care what business or job he has as long as he brings in a "satisfactory" income. 

From his perspective he has been working in a particular field for 14 yrs and probably developed a fair amount of expertise at it. Let see what his options are -
a) Get a job that doesn't require a lot of skill like flipping burgers. --- He'll feel its beneath him, get demoralized, dejected and it probably won't meet your income expectations
b) Go back to school to change his field --- It'll cost you a lot of money with no guarantee of a good job. So you will probably go from doing OK to drowning in debt. After that you'll resent him even more.
c) Stay at his job, try his very best to improve his business, make it as profitable as he can and just hang on until the economy improves 

He has chosen (c) because the business is in the black and his family is doing OK because of his spouse. He is withdrawn because what you have been telling him is that he isn't a good provider for your family (the last thing any guy wants to hear from his wife) and he is letting you take the lead and make all the decisions (to avoid the possibility of him making a decision and getting the following response - 'who are you to make any decisions? You don't even make any money') 

Think about this - what alternative do you have? If go your separate ways and you are by yourself your financial situation will probably be worse than it is now (split all your assets plus you will have to pay him alimony). If you find another partner who makes enough money for you there is no guarantee he will be a good father to your kids, treat you well or be flawless in every other way


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## ItMatters (Jun 6, 2012)

Money is the biggest issue because it seems to have brought so many other issues along with it- his depression/shortness/so forth. But him giving up MOST responsibility + not trying to help more around the house/with kids while I work harder/harder + maintain household is tough to swallow. And not having the desire to really make his desires known- just because it's easier... well that's no way to have a relationship.

As I don't have confidence in his industry, I AM supportive of him going to get additional education if he'd choose to do that. Even though it would incur debt- it would be worth it to get to a better profession.

I sound pretty cold in Bluelaser's eyes (and I appreciate that response really)- but I am not happy with a mate who is 'settling' and not willing to go outside his comfort zone to do more for his family. Making minimum wage (or less) for four years is not a pattern I'm willing to continue to fund for much more time. And who knows how much longer it will take. How long to you support someone who isn't doing much to support you in return? (emotionally, lovingly, around the house, with the kids etc)

I don't know how much love i have left for him at this time... because he has changed so much from how he was when we first met... And I KNOW it's a lot to do with the economy, but that can't be used as an excuse forever. He's got to separate himself from the biz at somepoint and find some other way to feel worthy.


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

ItMatters said:


> I sound pretty cold in Bluelaser's eyes


That wasn't my intention. I just removed the emotional part from the equation and offered logical possibilities. I will concede, being a guy, i have a small bias towards your husband

Maybe you need to fight this one battle at a time starting with the easiest which is the household responsibilities. When we had a kid my wife told me that she was overwhelmed with housework and then we cut a deal that i would be responsible for dishes, laundry and cleaning while she would take care of the kid. Maybe you can make a similar deal? That way you don't get stressed out and he gets a sense of purpose at home.

For the failing business i agree with you that only he can do anything about it. You telling him is only backfiring on you in the form of a depressed spouse on your hands.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

What I hear you saying is (boy do I sound like a therapist, no I am not one or do I play one on TV) you feel all the responsibility and none of the rewards. If you were not around, he wouldn't be able to support himself with his income. On top of all that, you have all the responsibilities of a SAHM.

Does he spend money frivolously? Have you sat down with a budget and figure out what he's paying for and what you are paying for? Do that with chores as well. When a spouse doesn't realize what you do, I always say go away for a weekend and see all that is involved taking care of the kids and house. Its exhausting when you work on top of that!

Read His Needs/Her needs. It addresses a lot of your frustration in a constructive manner. He has abdicated a huge amount of responsibility and you have taken it on. Time to change. I know it won't be easy, but if you don't the resentment will kill our marriage.


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## luvintokyo (May 10, 2010)

Remember this "to yourself be true. If you cant do it anymore you cant. Nobody else is walking in your shoes, only you know how burdened you are for the last 14yrs. Anyone can advice but not everyone burns those midnight hour candles trying to keep the house together. You are the architect of your fortune. Dont let anyone tell you you are accusing him, its a man's job to take care of his household, you are supposed to be partners, not his mum. Goodluck


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Regarding the housework, talk to your husband in a calm, non threatening manner. My husband has always said he is not a mind reader, if I want him to help, I only need to ask. It seems men do not view the house in the same way as women. I can be running around screaming the house is a mess & my husband will say "Where?'. 
With the business, a man's identidy is often wrapped up in their career. Right or wrong, that is the way it is. Tackle one issue at a time, again, try not to accuse him of being a bad husband, provider, business owner. I think that shutting down the business would be a huge ego blow for your husband. First see if there are any further cuts that can be made, both in the business & home. Perhaps he could diversify slightly, look for other markets. Brain storm together. Maybe you will have to be the primary bread winner for a while. There are always options, see what you can come up with.


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## burgh_mom (Jul 9, 2012)

Shiksa said:


> He has abdicated a huge amount of responsibility and you have taken it on. Time to change. I know it won't be easy, but if you don't the resentment will kill our marriage.


well said  great advice!

I think there is a time for holding each other up, but there is also a time for reassigning job duties to even out the workload. Every marriage is unique. Ya'll need to manage through this without either becoming resentful.


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## LoveIsEverything (Jul 18, 2012)

luvintokyo said:


> Dont let anyone tell you you are accusing him, its a man's job to take care of his household, you are supposed to be partners, not his mum. Goodluck


I disagree with the statement that it is a man's job to take care of his household. That is an old idea that no longer has relevance.

Like you say, you are supposed to be partners. It is a man's job and a woman's job to take care of their family.


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## Mr.D.E.B.T. (Jul 19, 2012)

My suggestion is to get back to building your dreams and lifestyle together. I think we get caught up in the economics of our households too much and give less attention to what matters the most; fulfilling each others dreams. You guys should go out at on a, "share your dreams with me date", at least twice a year. On this date, just share your dreams and aspirations with each other. No criticizing or debating; just listening. Do this outside of the house and not on a holiday, anniversary, birthday or similar occasion. At the end of the night, promise to keep each others dreams in mind with all decisions, and you can talk specifics later. Sometimes, its all about regaining trust in your spouse and things like this can help.


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## burgh_mom (Jul 9, 2012)

ItMatters said:


> How long to you support someone who isn't doing much to support you in return?


I think the answer to your question is: for the rest of your life, as you promised, in your wedding vows. Your challenge is to figure out how to share your pain in a respectful manner. He, as your husband, will naturally want to help fix what hurts you. Just approach this problem as a third party meddling into your marriage. Then attack it together. Stop attacking him. Nothing good will come out of that--for either of you.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

ItMatters said:


> I can’t understand how even after repeating these issues to him multiple times he insists that his industry WILL support us again with him reducing his overhead and that will make him less stressed which will make him happier.


Talking rarely works in these situations. He needs to see ACTION and there needs to be consequences. Yes you make 80% of the money and do 80% of the housework but YOU agreed to this. Somewhere along the way he got the green light to take advantage of you.

And his "oh it will get better one day" is just magical thinking. He's got his head in the sand and is just hoping it will all just "go away". Not happening.

What I suggest is you learn how to be more assertive. Not nagging or more talking. A no nonsense approach to saying "I'm NOT okay with this". And learning to not take his crappy excuses as to why he can't step it up. It's doable but you're going to have to find your self esteem and your back bone. WAITING for something to change before your situation gets better is the definition of insanity.


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