# Advise



## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

My husband’s family, invited us (my husband and myself) for a get together at their house. We went and again It became more of an intervention and his sister in law stating what I’m doing wrong as a wife, using herself as an example and things she does right, then it was said how her sister should of taken the opportunity to be with my husband when she had the chance, and how I am going to lose my husband. 

I decided to leave early and not to entertain the comments being made. I answered their questions, asked questions, made conversation, but when they push to get something out of me is when I stopped talking and said I was sick and will be leaving. I left and my husband stayed behind. 

After dealing with his family. I got really upset not just at them but at him and I explained to him that at the moment I did not want to be with him. I also am not sure if I want to stay married (I haven’t said this to him). 

Am I over reacting? Should I just not care about whether his family likes me or not? Am I wrong to get upset when he talks bad about me to his family? 

My husband & I have been married for 10 years. We started dating when I was 15years old in high school. We have a long time together.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

That was wrong of them and brutal, your husband should have left with you.

you did the right thing in leaving when you did.

Your husband owes you big time. He needs to slap his family down in a major way.


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## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

Thank you


MattMatt said:


> That was wrong of them and brutal, your husband should have left with you.
> 
> you did the right thing in leaving when you did.
> 
> Your husband owes you big time. He needs to slap his family down in a major way.


Thank you for taking the time to reply. 🙏


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> That was wrong of them and brutal, your husband should have left with you.
> 
> you did the right thing in leaving when you did.
> 
> *Your husband owes you big time. He needs to slap his family down in a major way.*


I doubt that her husband would do a thing; least of all slap his family (like they deserve). He seems to be one of those men lacking in the balls department. men like this, seldom, if ever, ever find their balls. The OP would do much better finding a man that would stand by her. Can you imagine this OP's husband coming through for her in a dire situation? I doubt it?


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

MattMatt is 100% correct. Don't let his family manipulate you like this and he should in no way be saying bad things to them. They will never forget what he says to them. You did right leaving.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Well Done @Pumpkingpie on not accepting your in-laws bs and leaving the cabin. You were told to stop being “nice” to these people and you seem to have taken the advice. In actual fact you shouldn’t have went in the first place but at least it gave you a chance to draw a line in the sand. 
Remember this, your sister in law is jealous of you and she is discrediting you amongst the rest of the family. They were quite happy to watch your husband drink himself to oblivion and end up hospitalized rather than agree with you that anything was wrong with his behavior. Do not try to appease these people, it won’t work. 
Make this your first step in your journey to be respected and appreciated. Whether it’s by your present in-laws or whether your husband accompanies you on your journey is something that you alone should decide.
You’ve taken the first step and you should remember the old saying. “If you’re going through hell, keep going”.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

A spouse's first loyalty needs to be to their spouse, not to his family, but as you see here, he has let them dominate him and go at you. This should never have been allowed by ANYONE in the family, and he is not being a man but a boy in his nonhandling of it. Of course, he LOVES to hear how he deserves the perfect woman instead of you. So maybe you should leave and just let him go at it. It's either that or drag him to a counselor, but I mean, it would probably just escalate a breakup if you did. He's probably been letting them run roughshod over him and his since childhood.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, you didn’t overreact.

This will continue. They aren’t going to change and your husband isn’t going to support you. 

You’ll have to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life this way.


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## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and reply to my questions. I feel more assured of the decision that I made.


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## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

Andy1001 said:


> Well Done @Pumpkingpie on not accepting your in-laws bs and leaving the cabin. You were told to stop being “nice” to these people and you seem to have taken the advice. In actual fact you shouldn’t have went in the first place but at least it gave you a chance to draw a line in the sand.
> Remember this, your sister in law is jealous of you and she is discrediting you amongst the rest of the family. They were quite happy to watch your husband drink himself to oblivion and end up hospitalized rather than agree with you that anything was wrong with his behavior. Do not try to appease these people, it won’t work.
> Make this your first step in your journey to be respected and appreciated. Whether it’s by your present in-laws or whether your husband accompanies you on your journey is something that you alone should decide.
> You’ve taken the first step and you should remember the old saying. “If you’re going through hell, keep going”.


In all honesty on the drive there, when my husband and I were on the last red light before turning right to enter the street they live on ... I felt very anxious and scared. But, I didn’t want to be the reason he didn’t go & I also wanted to show to myself that I am trying with his family.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I don't know if you ever watch, but Dr. Phil would tell spouses every time that they are to have their spouse's backs with family first and foremost. I mean, they married you and you are their new family and responsibility. Why marry if you're not even placing them above your freaking sister-in-law? Also, he's probably whining to them about every little thing about you that annoys him.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Now that you know you are right, what are you going to do about it? Your other thread was about leaving him, but you still love him so you're not going to do that, so are you planning anything? You're married to a child and I wonder if he ever acted like an adult. Did you say he was on drugs and alcohol in your other thread?


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## ScottL (Aug 5, 2020)

Why do we let other people bother us? 
It is because we have been raised to believe other people's opinions have something to do with us. 
Everything said by your inlaws reflects their own issues and has nothing to do with you. 
Also, a fact that most people can't grasp is that no one can make us feel good or bad. We do that ourselves. 

Who is right and who is wrong? No one. Everyone is coming from their own life of programming. When we are able to release right and wrong we are able to be at peace.

This is the work we need to do on ourselves. Most people do not do this and live in drama of some sort their entire lives.

We have been programmed to react since we were infants. We lose our ability to see how our thoughts are created.
By the time we are 35 years old 95% of what we do during a day is done by decisions and reactions of our subconscious mind.
If you are an adult and under 35 it is just slightly better. 

Though we think we are making the decision and that our reactions are ours, they are just how we have been programmed.

Becoming aware is then our task of a lifetime. It is a journey of really deciding who and what we want to be.
You nor your husband nor his family are at fault. It is how we all were programmed. 

Do you wish to change your programming and live a more peaceful loving life?
You will need to make that decision and you will need to do the work. 
Maybe your husband will come along for the ride. 
Either way, you will be better off. 

Understand your husband has a lot of the same programming his family does. And though he loves you, his subconscious mind will go to where it is comfortable.
The part of our subconscious mind that is called the ego, does not like to change. It wants to protect the status quo because it thinks change is threatening to it. The ego is the part of us that wants to keep us safe and usually from imagined threats. 

I know this is a lot. It will be in the work you do on yourself and your ability to learn what real love is that you will find your peace.

If you want any information please let me know. 

Good Journeys.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Just wondering, PumpkingPie, if you got out of that last post that you're supposed to keep allowing your husband to disrespect you and run over you with his family. That's what I got out of it. What did you get?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

ScottL said:


> Why do we let other people bother us?
> It is because we have been raised to believe other people's opinions have something to do with us.
> Everything said by your inlaws reflects their own issues and has nothing to do with you.
> Also, a fact that most people can't grasp is that no one can make us feel good or bad. We do that ourselves.
> ...


i agreed in certain points, but going by your philosophy it would required anyone to actually live in a community such as monks, nuns, and not even there you will find the inner peace and non reactionary action which you describe. If we all were to go by your philosophy, and anyone were to encounter a violent situation the outcome could potentially be losing your life. So depending on what type of situation it is I would defend myself or just let it be.


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

Wow, his family sounds like a real piece of work! I could not imagine being blindsided like that. Did your husband know this was going to be an intervention? I assume not, otherwise you have bigger issues. If you love your husband and he loves you, he should immediately put his family in their place. You come first in his life, not his family. Leave and cleave like the Bible says. If that means he doesn't visit them anymore, then fine. If he waivers or doesn't support you 100%, then he's not the man for you.


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## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

Andy1001 said:


> Well Done @Pumpkingpie on not accepting your in-laws bs and leaving the cabin. You were told to stop being “nice” to these people and you seem to have taken the advice. In actual fact you shouldn’t have went in the first place but at least it gave you a chance to draw a line in the sand.
> Remember this, your sister in law is jealous of you and she is discrediting you amongst the rest of the family. They were quite happy to watch your husband drink himself to oblivion and end up hospitalized rather than agree with you that anything was wrong with his behavior. Do not try to appease these people, it won’t work.
> Make this your first step in your journey to be respected and appreciated. Whether it’s by your present in-laws or whether your husband accompanies you on your journey is something that you alone should decide.
> You’ve taken the first step and you should remember the old saying. “If you’re going through hell, keep going”.


I decided to go tp their house because they had invited us and I did not want to be the reason my husband did not go. Thank you for your response. 

It really bothers me that they compare me to her or when she says I should be doing things like her. It bothered me that she told her sister she should of went for the opportunity to kiss my husband and be with him when she had the chance.


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## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

I spoke to him and in all honesty I haven’t slept the past few days. He said he was willing to try anything because he did not want to lose me. So I’m praying and staying hopeful that couples therapy and him getting that help will eventually help us. 

He used to drink A LOT when we lived in New York. He would drink so much that he would pass out on the train. They (his family) would not worry until he was missing for 2 days. The first time he was found at a bank of america in Harlem, New York and was taken to the hospital. That was the first time I found out. I did not know about the other times until the last hospitalization when I decided I was not staying in New York anymore. The last hospitalization broke me because ot was hard hearing the doctor say he could of died and I couldnt cry or scream. He started smoking a lot more and has not drank (only drinks on special occasions or rarely) because I told him I couldn’t do it anymore.


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## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

ScottL said:


> Why do we let other people bother us?
> It is because we have been raised to believe other people's opinions have something to do with us.
> Everything said by your inlaws reflects their own issues and has nothing to do with you.
> Also, a fact that most people can't grasp is that no one can make us feel good or bad. We do that ourselves.
> ...


Scott, thank you for taking the time to share your wisdom with me. 

When you state that him and his family have a lot of the same programming... I am aware but they are also different. Him and his brother do not completely think alike. He will help me around the house, his brother would not even help with his own child. 

As I read your statement a few times in made me question if this is the way I want to be loved. But I know I love him and if he is willing to put in the efforts I will as well.


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## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

StarFires said:


> Just wondering, PumpkingPie, if you got out of that last post that you're supposed to keep allowing your husband to disrespect you and run over you with his family. That's what I got out of it. What did you get?


Did you mean Scott’s statement? If so, It made me question my husband. I honestly did not take it as me having to deal with my husband’s family’s disrespect. 

After I spoke with my husband and he said he was willing to do anything to not lose me...i took that opportunity to bring up therapy. Im hoping and praying this will help us. We haven’t really started yet but we have an appointment so i’m hopeful.


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## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

Dadto2 said:


> Wow, his family sounds like a real piece of work! I could not imagine being blindsided like that. Did your husband know this was going to be an intervention? I assume not, otherwise you have bigger issues. If you love your husband and he loves you, he should immediately put his family in their place. You come first in his life, not his family. Leave and cleave like the Bible says. If that means he doesn't visit them anymore, then fine. If he waivers or doesn't support you 100%, then he's not the man for you.


When I spoke with my husband and explained that I felt attacked and cornered by his family when they do this, he said it’s to help us. So, he is aware of what is going to be said .... (I’m assuming this because of his response). 

I also got a bit upset but controlled my tone and tried to explain that I ask him months before “what’s wrong?” and I try to ‘fix’ whatever i think maybe wrong (for instance, I would start cooking more, cleaning more, try not to talk too much, etc.). But months later, the intervention happens...I got upset because I felt like since I am asking “what’s wrong?” it’s an opportunity for us to talk & for him to tell me what he’s unhappy about and what I can do better. 

He said that his family was just trying to help us and it wasn’t their intention for me to feel this way.


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## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

Thank you to everyone who took the time to read and offer their advice. I appreciate it 🙏


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Hi!
I had and am still having this issue with husband and his family as well. It's VERY hard to deal with. Your sister-in-law sounds like mine; you may want to look in to/read up on narcissistic personality disorder. Does your SIL say these things in front of others, or just when it's you and her? In truth, you need to maintain low/no contact with this person. Don't call/text or be friends on social media. She wants a reaction from you to feed her over-inflated ego...don't give her the satisfaction, and I know it's difficult to do, but in their head they win when they get you upset, so I'm happy to hear that you didn't let her know it was b/c "you weren't feeling well that you left". 

You and your husband have to find some middle ground; maybe don't talk about the anger you have, but try to angle it where he needs to support you more, and then discuss how your interaction will be with her. (DO NOT raise your voice to him, b/c I yelled and screamed for a while, and my husband shut down... )For example, I refuse to answer phone calls from her; if it's a text, I respond IF I WANT TO, but usually don't, and I add my husband so he is aware of what is being said. And when we're together, I barely talk to her, only if I'm spoken to, and I try to make sure I am not alone with her. Your husband sounds like mine, a people-pleaser and conflict avoider...I was just as angry and there were points I was so turned off by him, but then somehow I got over it...plus a lot of good people on here gave me some good advice. And if it gets really bad, go to marriage counseling...I was actually considering it during COVID, and may still do so eventually if things don't improve. You don't deserve to feel like no one has your back, but again, look into the narcissistic stuff I mentioned above...it may help at least on how to deal with it.


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## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

GC1234 said:


> Hi!
> I had and am still having this issue with husband and his family as well. It's VERY hard to deal with. Your sister-in-law sounds like mine; you may want to look in to/read up on narcissistic personality disorder. Does your SIL say these things in front of others, or just when it's you and her? In truth, you need to maintain low/no contact with this person. Don't call/text or be friends on social media. She wants a reaction from you to feed her over-inflated ego...don't give her the satisfaction, and I know it's difficult to do, but in their head they win when they get you upset, so I'm happy to hear that you didn't let her know it was b/c "you weren't feeling well that you left".
> 
> You and your husband have to find some middle ground; maybe don't talk about the anger you have, but try to angle it where he needs to support you more, and then discuss how your interaction will be with her. (DO NOT raise your voice to him, b/c I yelled and screamed for a while, and my husband shut down... )For example, I refuse to answer phone calls from her; if it's a text, I respond IF I WANT TO, but usually don't, and I add my husband so he is aware of what is being said. And when we're together, I barely talk to her, only if I'm spoken to, and I try to make sure I am not alone with her. Your husband sounds like mine, a people-pleaser and conflict avoider...I was just as angry and there were points I was so turned off by him, but then somehow I got over it...plus a lot of good people on here gave me some good advice. And if it gets really bad, go to marriage counseling...I was actually considering it during COVID, and may still do so eventually if things don't improve. You don't deserve to feel like no one has your back, but again, look into the narcissistic stuff I mentioned above...it may help at least on how to deal with it.


Hey, 

Thank you for taking the time to relate to my situation. 🙏

She says these things in front of her sister and while my husband and his brother are close by (in the same room). When I spoke with my husband, I did not raise my voice. I tried controlling my tone and although I love him and want to be with him, I am feeling "turned off" by him. We agreed on doing couples therapy together and him getting some help. 

I do have her on social media, but I'm not active. When we first move to this state from New York, I really tried getting close to my sister in law and her sister, but his brother and him (my husband) said "no." I don't have any family or friends in this state, so I was trying to be more involve with his family than I was when I was in New York. I did attend events (family gatherings, BBqs, etc.), would buy gifts for his mom, talk to his aunts and uncles, visit his elderly family members, etc. But when we moved, I wanted to be close to his sister in law since they are the only people we know here. Whenever I would bring up the idea of us spending time together his brother would always say some excuse "there's no point, relationships do not last." His cousin also does not bother to learn my name because I'm just a female and his nephew dislikes me (i'm not sure why, I used to change his diapers and babysat him). I stopped trying to be friends with them. 

Thank you again for your advise, I am going to look into how to deal with narcissistic behavior.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Pumpkingpie said:


> but his brother and him (my husband) said "no."


What do you mean by this..? Why would they say no to that?

Your situation really sounds like my own..my sister in law's sister isn't crazy about me either...many years ago she used to want to date my husband also lol, but my husband claims he had no interest...who knows.


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## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

GC1234 said:


> What do you mean by this..? Why would they say no to that?
> 
> Your situation really sounds like my own..my sister in law's sister isn't crazy about me either...many years ago she used to want to date my husband also lol, but my husband claims he had no interest...who knows.


Every time I would bring up the idea of having a "girls day" or just some time for her and me to get together and talk to build that relationship, they would say no because relationships don't last. At first they would just say "no" and after I asked why is that they told me it's because there's no point in us being friends because relationships do not last. 

I am really scared to ask my husband about what happened in the past between him and his SIL's sister but I no longer feel comfortable. They constantly say how her sister would be a great wife because SIL is a great wife.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Pumpkingpie said:


> Every time I would bring up the idea of having a "girls day" or just some time for her and me to get together and talk to build that relationship, they would say no because relationships don't last. At first they would just say "no" and after I asked why is that they told me it's because there's no point in us being friends because relationships do not last.
> 
> I am really scared to ask my husband about what happened in the past between him and his SIL's sister but I no longer feel comfortable. They constantly say how her sister would be a great wife because SIL is a great wife.


I was under the impression you didn't get along with your SIL?

This all seems strange, especially the fact that they don't want you to hang out with them b/c relationships don't last? What does that even mean? It sounds like they're trying to keep you away from these women for a reason...maybe there's more to the story than you think, and your husband and brother in law are hiding something. I suggest you find out what that is, and DO NOT GIVE UP!


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Your husband should of stood up for you and he should have left when you left. 

You need to come down hard on him. He is suppose to be your protector and supporter. When someone says your not a good wife he should be right there telling everyone you are the best wife.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Are you from a culture where this type of behavior is normal?


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## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

GC1234 said:


> I was under the impression you didn't get along with your SIL?
> 
> This all seems strange, especially the fact that they don't want you to hang out with them b/c relationships don't last? What does that even mean? It sounds like they're trying to keep you away from these women for a reason...maybe there's more to the story than you think, and your husband and brother in law are hiding something. I suggest you find out what that is, and DO NOT GIVE UP!


Thank you!

To answer your question, in New York we got along perfectly fine. I took care of her child multiple times, my husband's nephew (which is why I don't understand why he hates me). Before these "interventions" started happening, I would tell her so that we can meet up (I even gave her my phone number - she has never contacted me, but i've reached out to her).

Thank you again for the encouragement 🙏


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## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

Openminded said:


> Are you from a culture where this type of behavior is normal?


No


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## ScottL (Aug 5, 2020)

Rob_1 said:


> i agreed in certain points, but going by your philosophy it would required anyone to actually live in a community such as monks, nuns, and not even there you will find the inner peace and non reactionary action which you describe. If we all were to go by your philosophy, and anyone were to encounter a violent situation the outcome could potentially be losing your life. So depending on what type of situation it is I would defend myself or just let it be.


I agree we have to have boundaries. But that does not mean that anything others do has anything to do with us. We do not need to judge them. We can decide we do not like what they are doing and we can express it to them or not be around them. We have all kinds of choices. As far as our partner, we need to have the difficult discussions. And then move forward from there. Anybody else's reaction to us is their own issue and truly has nothing to do with us. I know we have been trained to think it does, but it doesn't and it does take a bit of work to undo this training.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ScottL said:


> I agree we have to have boundaries. But that does not mean that anything others do has anything to do with us. We do not need to judge them. We can decide we do not like what they are doing and we can express it to them or not be around them. We have all kinds of choices. As far as our partner, we need to have the difficult discussions. And then move forward from there. Anybody else's reaction to us is their own issue and truly has nothing to do with us. I know we have been trained to think it does, but it doesn't and it does take a bit of work to undo this training.


Yes it is true you cannot control others actions but you cannot apply this reasoning to a couple where the actions of one impacts the other, this sounds like some counselling mumbo jumbo which sounds great on paper but is of little use in practice


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## ScottL (Aug 5, 2020)

aine said:


> Yes it is true you cannot control others actions but you cannot apply this reasoning to a couple where the actions of one impacts the other, this sounds like some counselling mumbo jumbo which sounds great on paper but is of little use in practice


If we had been taught how to have healthy relationships, this would be less of an issue. The truth is I have lived through this situation. And I had to come to the realization that nothing she said or did really had anything to do with me. Now I am not saying we cannot influence other people or that our actions don't have consequences. But I let go of the results. I do my best to communicate in the best way I know how to and do the things that I believe a loving partner would do. But in the end, I have no expectations. If she walked out tomorrow, I would love her and let her do what she needs to do. Yes, this is a much higher level of consciousness than most people work with. But it is not mumbo jumbo.


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