# Pretty Lost



## Skyeblue84 (Dec 15, 2019)

Been married for 11 years. And feel very lost with my relationship. Happy I found a place where other might understand me.


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## st5555 (Dec 7, 2019)

Here we are. Let us know why you feel lost.


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## Skyeblue84 (Dec 15, 2019)

My husband and I are not communicating right now. We have a credit card that is maxed out and he got another one to pay for the broken well. I get that part we need water to the house. So I tried to tell him why we should not go snowmobiling this year. To pay down the card. He flat told me he was going to charge the trips this year because he is going with or with out me. Also, I should support him on this because he donated his kidney last year. I do get that as well. I just don’t like debt. I have never charged something without his approval. Like normal he shuts down and doesn’t talk about it. 
This time I just feel like moving on and finding someone that talks me and doesn’t shut me out by not talking for days to me.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

You should move on, he is arrogant, selfish, a bully, puts himself first, thinks just because he did something nice everything is owed him, and only thinks of himself. You and your kids are not worthy of sacrifice.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Your answer is to sell the snowmobiles to pay for the well... not charge more on another credit source.

Who did he donate a kidney to?

He thinks he is living for the now, he is not.


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## Skyeblue84 (Dec 15, 2019)

He donated a kidney to his dad. He will not sell the snowmobiles. As they are paid off. He thinks that because it’s a 0% card. He feels like the card will paid off soon. Me not seeing that way.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Your answer is to sell the snowmobiles to pay for the well... not charge more on another credit source.
> 
> Who did he donate a kidney to?
> 
> *He thinks he is living for the now, he is not.*


Ah, he is living for the _snow_, _you_ think not.

He is bitter, he is broke, and he is a selfish bloke.

He is lost, he gave up his kidney, and his vision went quickly from far to nearsighted.

Apparently, in his mind, the kidney receiver did not deserve of it, as I observe his not-reserved actions.

He feels the fool, not the hero.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The thing about donating organs when alive...and remaining so, is this notion, "Did I do the right thing, did this person deserve it".

For example, giving an alcoholic new life by donating part of your liver, or say, a kidney to a known, or a later learned SOB.

How does your husband feel about his father?

Are there mixed feelings; are there any unsettled scores?

Was this giving a pressured thing, done more so through guilt, not for any large measure of love?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Is he working full time, are you, also?


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## Skyeblue84 (Dec 15, 2019)

He is very happy still to this day about his decision to donate his kidney. 
We both have good jobs. Just a harder time financially at the moment. 
He wants to play because that’s what he likes doing and didn’t go last year because of surgery. I get his feelings on this all too well with having a broken ankle that changed my life for over two years. I wanted to go out and do something I loved as well. 
My main problem is they way he shuts me out and doesn’t talk. He just doesn’t bring up the conversation again and thinks it will go away. 
I did try to talk to him about we should not put more on cards than have too. He said that we can pay it off. My fear of having debt is not valid because he says we are fine. If I say anything else about it he just replied don’t worry we are fine.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Skyeblue84 said:


> Also, I should support him on this because he donated his kidney last year.


Donating a kidney does not equate to preferential treatment regarding debt or vacations. Sorry. I assume he did this of his own volition. It was a noble thing to do. But it's DONE.

Frankly, I wouldn't stay with any man who had a my-way-or-the-highway attitude towards something as fundamental as finances. 

Can the debt be paid off in a reasonable amount of time? 

Oh, yeah … and let "snow boy" go on his jaunts alone. He doesn't sound appealing even when he's not riding waves of snow.


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## Skyeblue84 (Dec 15, 2019)

I think I’m done having my thought, feelings and concerns being invalid.


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## Skyeblue84 (Dec 15, 2019)

He says we can pay it off in a decent amount of time. I only see that happening if we quit putting more on it while paying it off.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I would work toward separating finances. You can ask a lawyer how to make him wholly responsible for his debts. Some states honor post-nups.

It may not be possible to take you off the hook, but you can stop the bleeding by getting professional advice and then actually taking it.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Skyeblue84 said:


> He donated a kidney to his dad. He will not sell the snowmobiles. As they are paid off. He thinks that because it’s a 0% card. He feels like the card will paid off soon. Me not seeing that way.


Your 0% is always limited... you cannot carry a balance more than 12-15 months or you hit the 16%-26% interest window on the remaining if it is not paid off in full and it sounds like you spend more than you make.

The toys are paid off but the use of them will never be... such items are called money pits for a reason and they should never be a primary focus over necessities.

Your marriage is not a necessity to him it seems, he is putting a toy over that.

Your feelings are valid, what he says and does are just as real but not in a good and mindful way.

Respect is a choice, for some reason he feels he is allowed to treat you with little.

Do you have children?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The two of you have opposite views about debt. That’s not uncommon but it rarely works out well.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Skyeblue84 said:


> I think I’m done having my thought, feelings and concerns being invalid.


 @Skyeblue84, his thinking seems to be: "Because I did something wonderful for my own father last year, I get to treat my wife badly."

That's not how marriage and real life works.

I would suggest counselling for the two of you, plus perhaps individual counselling, also.

He needs to adjust his attitude. And quickly, at that.

Do you have children? 

I am going to move your thread to General Relationships.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

When things become more important than love and blood you are a full blooded materialist. 

Lots of people are like this.

A few possibilities:

1) We think the guy feels his mortality and we think he wants his due...now, not later.

2) He could have been that spoiled child that was never told no by some mommy or daddy, or both.

3) Maybe, a child of poverty who never 'had things' and now cannot, and will not wait any longer for them.

We see a fellow Martian in him. Maybe, Sagittarius Rising?

We see... 
Never mind.


THM-


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

On riding things.

The modern motorcycle, the snowmobile, the jet-ski, all replace the horse.

There is a strong bond, no, a correlation between horses, men, and some women.

It seems to be this exhilarating feeling, a freeing force. 
One of power, speed and galloping through the countryside, maybe, over the seas.

Whatever weaknesses one may think they have, the ridden flesh or iron beast makes up for it.

The jerked twist grip replaces the flailing horse whip.



The Martian-


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

The silence for days is called “stonewalling” and it is crazy making. Often it is done to control the situation and shut down the conversation. Its also a big predictor for marriage failure. Read Dr John Gottman.

If you are truly done, see a lawyer, know where you stand.

Next time he does that, tell him its called stonewalling and its an unacceptable and damaging way of trying to control things.
If he needs cool down time, fine. Anything longer than a couple of hours or overnight is bullying.

Let him know this is not ok behaviour. It stops today because you are no longer able to support this kind of negative behaviour.

He chooses. Learn a new way of sorting this out or you will have to leave. Its too damaging.

And mean it.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

If your money problems went away tomorrow, would all your problems go away? Or would he just act petulant about something else? It sounds like the way he reacts to this issue is how he reacts to a lot of issues. If so, it doesn't sound like a good way to spend the rest of your life. 

If you're only 11 years in and don't have kids or something to tie you together, it might be good to consider other options. Marriage counseling is also an option, but it should be something that he wants to do. If you force him to go, it will just be a waste of time and money.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sounds like it's not the debt so much as refusing to deal with anything.

My ex was like that too.....don't deal with any kind of conflict, bury your head in the sand and ignore it.

I left last year.....best thing I ever did. He can play dumb with someone else.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Skyeblue84, how's it going?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

aquarius1 said:


> The silence for days is called “stonewalling” and it is crazy making. Often it is done to control the situation and shut down the conversation. Its also a big predictor for marriage failure. Read Dr John Gottman.
> 
> If you are truly done, see a lawyer, know where you stand.
> 
> ...


I know this game, this stonewalling. :|

I thought I was the Master of my Fate, until I met that stone wall.

The stone wall falls when you admit defeat, ask for mercy, say......I am sorry. :crying:

The best defense against a stone is another, just as hard. 

When the two butt heads, only a clunk is heard. No 'sorry's'. :frown2:

Use his weapons against him and he will eventually succumb, no, never saying sorry, never admitting nothing.

He will just change the subject, ask something innocuous, such as, "I'm going to the store, what is it we need?"

You broke his resolve, he broke the ice.

Eh?


TT 1-


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

He's got issues. I don't know what makes him think the way he does. I felt poorly for you. Eleven years... The kidney was his choice. Holding that over your head is abusive. He's financially abusing you. He's emotionally abusing you. Sickening. 

Maybe you can figure things out with him and maybe you can't. I don't know. 

Here's a link that might help with your finances, but I think you know what to do. He simply refuses to work with you. 

https://www.daveramsey.com/


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

2ntnuf said:


> He's got issues. I don't know what makes him think the way he does. I felt poorly for you. Eleven years... The kidney was his choice. Holding that over your head is abusive. He's financially abusing you. He's emotionally abusing you. Sickening.
> 
> Maybe you can figure things out with him and maybe you can't. I don't know.
> 
> ...


Love Dave Ramsey.

Also try Kumiko aka The Budget Mom https://www.thebudgetmom.com/


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

SunCMars said:


> I know this game, this stonewalling. :|
> 
> I thought I was the Master of my Fate, until I met that stone wall.
> 
> ...


Usually i agree with you Sun. Your words are so eloquent.

This time i would advise calling out the behaviour. Give it voice. Call it what it is,

The last thing a bully likes is the light of day being shone on their behaviour.

Sometimes this stonewalling is just serious hurt on the part of the stonewaller (is that a word? Lol) they dont know what to say.

Either way, new methods of communication need to be learned.
The behaviour exposed.

The consequences felt.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

aquarius1 said:


> Usually i agree with you Sun. Your words are so eloquent.
> 
> This time i would advise calling out the behaviour. Give it voice. Call it what it is,
> 
> ...


Thanks..

Yes, do, say whatever makes YOU happy.

Silence can be many things:

It can be the masterful cat awaiting patiently for the mouse to come out of his hole.
The cat motionless, except for the occasional twitch of his tail.

Silence can be anger, bottled up.
Silence can be stubbornly waiting for the other person to finally give in and concede.
Silence can be that failure, that inability to communicate. As you mentioned.

The persons mind locked in place. CTRL ALT DEL, not working.

If you say nothing, you can make no verbal infractions. 
Power comes from mystery, the other person not knowing what you are thinking.

It can be the Scorpio tactic, the mute hard glare of defiance. 
This showing of silent contempt. Scorpio's invented the hard 180.

Yes.


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