# Trying to renew relationship



## magicsunset08 (Oct 30, 2008)

Hi Ladies,

I am a guy hanging out in the ladies lounge. Don't hold that against me. I figure if i have a question on things pertaining to women i need to ask women. I have posted some things on this forum regarding my relationship with my wife. We have been together for 15 years have 2 kids and we both love each other. We have survived an affair. It has been very hard for me to get past it, but i am getting better. It would be much easier if she were to act more interested in me sexually. We got married when we were 22 and did alot of growing up in our relationship. The truth is I am a much better husband than i used to be. At a young age i did not help around the house much. In fact, she used to bring that up just a couple of years ago. It was like "you never did that before, so why now?" I have always responded, "because I realize now that I should have helped more in the past and that I want to help you now." I feel like I am penalized at times for the past. She probably feels the same, since she is the one who had the affair. I have not brought that up for a long time. But, there are times where i still get upset, especially when she avoids me sexually. I mean, to the point of hugging her and kissing her on the neck--she will reply " what are you doing?" Duh!! I am kissing you neck and trying to cuddle. I am confused as ever. I don't sweat it anymore, but it has been 1 1/2 years since the affair and I want to move on, but it is hard for me when I do not get that type of attention from my wife. I have no trouble getting attention from other women, but I don't want that. I want attention from the woman I love. I know she used to feel that way about me because she would always tell me how good I looked and would pursue sex at times. I don't have a problem taking the lead in sex, believe me. But, it sure is nice to have the guess work taken out at times. I don't want to cheat, I don't want a divorce. We get along fine and always have. There is no history of abuse. I was floored when the affair happend. She told me at that time, she has never felt good enuf for me. The man she had an affair with was not attractive at all. She told me that he was a good friend and that he made her feel good about herself. I also know that she went through a stage after wards where she did not feel good enuf for me again because of the affair. She told me that if i were to do that she could never forgive me. I don't have anything to prove. I have stood my ground, waited and showed my love for her. I handled some things wrong during the affair. I let some insecurities come out. I have fixed those and have made it clear that if it happened again that there would be no discussion. I would be over and she agreed.

I just want to have a healthy relationship with my wife. I want the friendship and great sex! I do know this, though. She does not feel real good about her body. We are 37 and she has had 2 c sections and several other surgeries. When we met she had an awesome body. To me, that doesn't matter. I still love her. I still get excited at the sight of her. She has often said there is something wrong with me for liking to look at her. So, I don't get to see her body very often.

Anyway, i have given alot of ''choppy" info. Could any of you ladies give me any advice I could use to make things less "boring". I am just concerned that if I quit giving her attention and compliments she will just feel like "well I deserve it because of what I have done and I am not good enough for him anyway." That part of the relationship has gotten better. But, I am getting tired of giving and not receiving much in return when it comes to my needs. I am doing my best on being patient, but getting a little more "antsy".

Any advice?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I think your situation is really hard. i struggle with not feeling good about my body. I dont think there's anything my H can do to make me feel good about it. Its just something im working on myself. 

its sounds like you are doing a good job supporting her and being there for her. it does sound like there's a lot of emphasis on looks, though. i guess its like that in society in general. 

one thing ive done is i dont watch tv anymore or pick up magazines, or anything like that. i dont even really watch any movies. i think the media throws all our flaws in our face with half naked women and all kinds of commercials on how to look better. My perspective on what is beauty has started to really change.


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## magicsunset08 (Oct 30, 2008)

That makes total sense. It has taken a long time to see it from her perspective. She is very stubborn and hates counseling!!! I love to talk. I would love to listen to her, but she is not a talker. I do know that the affair started because the guy was not attractive "at all" and it made her fell better about herself. She has had a history of this. It is like "how does a guy like you land a chick like that!" My wife is beautiful. But, she does not feel that way about herself. Our last discussion 2 nights ago. I told her straight up that is how I felt about her. "you are great" I told her. "But, until you see it for yourself my statements won't mean much and I certainly can't do it myself." I think after a few days she will come around again. I just don't want to go through it all the time. I just don't know why alot of women feel that way about themselves. My wife has this awful scar from a c-section while having our daughter. She had an awesome belly before that. I still think it is awesome. I tell her that is sign of rememberance of the most special gift you could ever give. Kind of cheesy i know, but that is how i feel. I still melt when i see her belly. It's like i don't even see the scar. I tell her that and she laughs. All i know is to be myself. I have told myself i am going to quit approaching her for any type of sex. If it happens--it happens, but I will no longer talk about it. I don't want her to feel that is all she is. I am starting to ramble i know, but oh well. Women, just take a compliment. Sexiness is an attitude to many.. I personally think looks are very secondary in sexiness. I just wish my wife felt the same about her self. I know many women that would love to look like her!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

magicsunset08 said:


> I tell her that is sign of rememberance of the most special gift you could ever give. Kind of cheesy i know, but that is how i feel.


that is so sweet. i guess i would suggest to just stop trying to "fix" her. Just empathize with how she is feeling. b/c there really isnt anything you can do to make her think she's attractive. she'll have to deal with that herself. 

I know i dread getting pregnant b/c i will lose my body. some women, myself included, have a lot of self worth infested in their outward appearance. since you seem like someone that likes to learn i'll tell you something interesting. there's a psychologist, cant remember his name now, but he said this whole outward appearance being associated with one's self worth starts the first time our parents point to our image in the mirror and say, "that's you!" then the child learns to associate "me" with the outward, physical appearnce instead of the inner feelings and all other things. 

Depending on her childhood environment this idea could have been even more reinforced and since she is pretty, she might have picked up a very strong sense of self worth from an outward association. 

I hope the sex situation changes for you. im going through my own struggles with that and have also decided to back off. its seems to be helping in my situation.


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## magicsunset08 (Oct 30, 2008)

THanks alot for your comments. Very true, we get so caught up on outward appearance. I personally know several people that are attractive to look at, but are so shallow and makes me can't stand them!


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i think she is lacking in her self confidence. i dont think it has much to do with you as yoou seem to try a lot.
her lack of self esteem pulls her downs and takes its toll on you.
i think you just have to make her aware of how much you need to feel wanted to.
thats its not all about her.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I can feel for you; rejection hurts. Honestly, I think people just plain act differently towards a spouse after an affair. She's still trying (in her mind) to distance herself from you. You might also try reading "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Perhaps "physical touch" and "words of affirmation" aren't her love languages. The book might provide further insight.


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## tinydancer1277 (Nov 10, 2008)

i understand what its like to feel very uncomfortable with yourself and your relationship. while it is important to let her know that you have needs, as well, there are some things you can do for her to help her. big romantic gestures arent really done anymore, but i know that when i feel really awful, having someone who would do something big and sweet for me would be really great. my fiance is terrible at romance. even just some roses and a nice dinner might help. i think making her feel like a princess (even if its just for an hour) will help in the short term, which will give you space to make headway for the long term.


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## magicsunset08 (Oct 30, 2008)

I don't think any longer she is trying to distance herself from me. I know all about the 5 love languages and i have read it and fully understand. Last night, I was doing the dishes and she asked me to come in the living room and sit and talk to her. (I was going to leave the house about an hour later). She wanted to spend time with me before I left. That is different than it has been over the past year or so. I personally think that she is afraid of rejection. she has always told me that she fears me having an affair because she did. So, I think she withdraws some because of that fear. I know she loves me and she is a good wife. However, we have never had that quality "Make up sex or cuddlling on her end" I don't want to pursue the sexual aspect of it because that is not all I want from her. I want her to desire me that way. Things are getting better, but there is a fine line between trying to hard and just plain giving effort. It is not hard for me to romance or be touchy/feeliy. In fact, it is hard for me not to be that way. She receives love from a time spent and listening aspect. Am I doing the right thing? I know how fragile womens thought may be. If i do not approach her for sexual activity will she feel rejected to the point of withdrawl or will she be more attracted to me. I know things are different in her mind because of her actions. Things can change so fast in this love thing.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

sounds like you're really starting to understand her. as far as her feeling rejected if you dont come on to her, i think if you are identifying her love language and donig the things that make her feel loved, then even if she does feel rejected i dont think it will be as big of a deal. I think it will be something she will be more open to talk about if she feels you love her. 

i dont think think you should always have to guess what is making her feel rejected or not. now that my H is being more loving towards me (non sexual) i am more open about telling him how i feel.


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## magicsunset08 (Oct 30, 2008)

Thanks for the info. I have learned so much from reading on this site. I wish I would have found this when I was at the height of my problems, but oh well. I think I understand her alot better. It is still frustrating as hell, but atleast i understand her better. She is also the type that holds grudges. She would often bring up info from 12 years ago. That attributes to her attitude. If the tables were turned, she would never forgive me. it may be different now, since she made the decision to cheat. Life is hell, but it is actually fun to learn. Sometimes we really have to take some big lumps to learn though. Thanks again and good luck in your relationship.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

magicsunset08 said:


> Life is hell, but it is actually fun to learn.


i wish i had your attitude. i would have just left it "Life is hell."


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## magicsunset08 (Oct 30, 2008)

ljtseng:
I spent alot of my lifetime being mad at someone. Woke up one day and said i have had enough. Life is too short to be miserable. I feel misery is a choice. If we let someone elses actions or lack of make us miserable, i feel we are insecure and too dependent on that other person. Beleive me I am no expert at any of this, just a normal guy that is a student of life. It has only taken 37 years to figure it out. Ha ha.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

magicsunset08 said:


> ljtseng:
> I spent alot of my lifetime being mad at someone. Woke up one day and said i have had enough. Life is too short to be miserable. I feel misery is a choice. If we let someone elses actions or lack of make us miserable, i feel we are insecure and too dependent on that other person. Beleive me I am no expert at any of this, just a normal guy that is a student of life. It has only taken 37 years to figure it out. Ha ha.


good for you magic, a lot of our feelings are our own choice, i'm learning. and it IS about our own unsecurity, or self-esteem. and think about this...you got it at 37 years old. it took me to get to 45 to have my eyes opened.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

magicsunset08 said:


> ljtseng:
> I spent alot of my lifetime being mad at someone. Woke up one day and said i have had enough. Life is too short to be miserable. I feel misery is a choice. If we let someone elses actions or lack of make us miserable, i feel we are insecure and too dependent on that other person. Beleive me I am no expert at any of this, just a normal guy that is a student of life. It has only taken 37 years to figure it out. Ha ha.


I am definitely learning how to be a student of life. I would agree misery is a choice...im just trying to figure out which choices im making that are making me miserable and how to change those choices. its so complicated. i am learning, though. slowly but surely. lol. but im young so i figure i have plenty of time to figure it out...yay for me...lol.


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## magicsunset08 (Oct 30, 2008)

Ok. I have sent several posts regarding my situation. I have posted information to others' posts. I have rec'd some useful info and given some also. However, i find it hard to give myself useful advice. Last night, me and the wife had sex. The first time in about 3 weeks. I have shared about the frustration of getting over an affair from 2 years ago, some of her self esteem issues and other day to day frustrations. We are getting along really well. We are rekindling a friendship. But, I feel that is about it on her end. Maybe it is just me, I don't know. She tells me she loves me--all the time. Sometimes it is a bit much! She always makes my plate first when she cooks. She has been more intimate as far as holding hand and what not. But, she will not initiate sex at all. That is ok, I guess. Some women prefer the male to initiate. I don't have a problem with that, but I would like her to be more romantic. I can tell she is into me more than she has been for awhile, but the "spark" is still missing. What I mean by this is; she does not like to kiss me intimately anymore. If I ask her why, she tells me she does. A peck on the lips is not my idea of intimate kissing. Last night, we got into a situation that became intimate. it just happened. It was not planned or talked about. I started kissing her neck and such. She was a little stiff at first but she loosened up. She would not kiss me though. She did suck on my finger. Once I started to touch her, she told me to move (because my left hand sucks!)-- she tells me that. I don't have a problem with that, but it does tend to damper the heat of passion though. To try to get her to relax I tell her to show me where she wants my hand and tell me where to put it. I tell her to relax, I will take as long as I need to pleasure her. This went on for about 10minutes. She got frustrated and told me to "put it in" and try. Once I did "put it in" she had orgasm within 1 minute. Which was great. I went shortly after. Afterwards, however was a little awkward for me. She wanted me to get off of her because I was hurting her stomach. Once I did she said; "yuck". Then asked me to go get her a washcloth to clean up with and turn the TV back on. She wasn't mean about it at all. I handed her the remote and got up myself and went to the bathroom. Once I came back she asked me what took so long... again, not in a irritated tone, she just asked a meaningless question in my opinion. She did not turn the TV on either. I know I am being somewhat trivial and descriptive, but these are concerns for me. You see, I want to break the cycle of "monotany" (sp) and try romance. I don't want to be the guy that gets sympathy sex. I want romance. I felt somewhat used a little. Granted, there is still some insecurity there because of her affair. I have forgiven her and I am not mad at all. I just feel like I want something that she doesn't sometimes. Am I being paranoid and insecure here? Should I just be happy that I had sex and she liked it? This morning was fine. She was in a good mood. Do you think this situation will get better with time? As I stated in previous posts, our sex life before we were married was "crazy".. On the washer, sink, school jungle gym. She used to beg me for it. I realize things change after awhile. But, I had hopes of starting over.....totally! I sensed a change in her attitude towards me lately....in a positive way. Are my expectations too high? Any input would be greatly appreciated. Sometimes I feel we should not even have sex, because of the lack of romance. I try to be spontaneus. Flowers for no reason, footrub without expectations. Am I trying too hard? These are things that I do ocne in awhile, because I don't want to try to hard. I enjoy these things because I do love her. I guess I just want her to want me this way.. I don't ask her and I don't pout. I take what I get without complaint. (this is a change I have made over the past 2 years though). I used to do those things. Can anyone give input? Especially you ladies out there. I feel I am doing all the right things, but I still feel a little short. Any advice?


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## magicsunset08 (Oct 30, 2008)

I guess in a way I am getting tired. Not giving up tired, I would never do that. I am just starting to feel like she probably did a few years back. i am doing alot. Busy trying to keep the kids in line, carrying their stress, trying to build my wife up, keep myself up, coach basketball, work. I just feel I need a break. I guess I understand why people have affairs.. Mostly women. I am seeing things through a womans view right now. I feel like I am trying to impress my wife. I help aroung the house every day, after a stressful day at work...even if I don't feel well. I am putting everyone else before me. i know that is a good quality, but it is very tiresome. i guess i would like a break. How do you do that in my situation. Not a break as in separation, but a break from "give a damn". It would be nice to get my feet rubbed or a back rub. Wow. I sound like a woman. OUCH!!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Has your wife read the 5 Love Languages as well? If not, I guess that would be the first step in cluing her in on your needs.

Since she seems to be coming around a bit I would say you are doing the right things. If you want to try to start over in the intimacy department, maybe introduce some new things that won't seem too forward but more in line with things she would be receptive to....My husband has come up with some great ones...champagne bath, full massage, appetizers...something different like that each time with nice music and it sets the mood for talking & relaxing (which is great in getting me in the mood) and by then I am more than happy to fill his love bank .... I also like returning the favor on massages because it feels great....another thing we've done is to have nights...just for you or just for her...so on your night focus would be all on you...that might be pushing it at this stage but thought for down the road...

and another one just popped in my head...there are some sex board games out there that I like because they cater to my husband who likes anything physical and me who likes the verbal aspect to hear what he thinks about this or that...some have drinking squares but we aren't into the forced shots at this stage so we opt to replace those with a kiss.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

magicsunset08 said:


> I am putting everyone else before me. i know that is a good quality, but it is very tiresome.


Actually, I dont think that is a good quality. Just from reading i've done, im gathering that its important to put yourself first and then go down the ladder with everyone else's needs. 



magicsunset08 said:


> i guess i would like a break. How do you do that in my situation. Not a break as in separation, but a break from "give a damn".


Maybe the problem is that you aren't giving yourself what you need so when you dont get things from your wife, its even harder for you? 

Im giving myself a break from "give a damn." My H never wanted sex with me and i tried everything. I beat my brains over it for years. But now, Im not really asking what he needs anymore. Sure i think about it, but I think mostly about what i can give myself to feel good. 

I think maybe one of the concerns with backing off with your wife is the fear that she'll cheat again. I used to fear that if i backed off with my H that he'd either cheat or turn to porn again. But now i realize that he makes his own choices and i shouldnt make choices out of fear, and in an attempt to control what he does.


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## magicsunset08 (Oct 30, 2008)

*Re: Trying to renew relationship (after affair)*UPDATE**

Figured I would update the situation and how quickly things can change. For those who have not read any of my previous posts, I will summarize. Been marrried 13 years together 15. Wife had an affair 2 years ago. Her relationship lasted over a year. Did not want divorce--was at end of rope. I stayed strong-persistant. Tried counseling (didn't help). I made changes in myself. I think when someone goes through something of that maginitude we need not focus on who's at fualt, but rather evaluate ourselves. I noticed that I came across as an insecure--sex beggar in the eyes of my wife. When we were in public together I came across as "the life of the party, super nice, who really seemed to have it together--guy". What's the problem right? She knew that I was thought of as this "super confindent" type of guy. The only time she saw it was somewhere else. I counted on my wife for my confidence at the house and in public I was someone else. That made her sick! And it should have. I became so reliant on my wife--for everything. This is un-attractive to a woman. Especially to one that is a mother. She already has children to tend to. Anyway, things at home are pretty good. I have noticed that my wife has horrible self esteem issues. She has needed me for sometime and i neglected to "boost" her confidence. I have finally got to the point that I don't "need" her to boost my ego. I aspire her to, but I don't need it. There is definitely a difference. I call it the "ok-whatever" method. Over the past 2 weeks I have made a considerable affort on my end in the relationship. Granted, it is alot to handle because it wears me out. However, I have seen a difference in my wifes confidence. This morning she shaved her legs and dressed very nice for work.. This may not seem like a big deal, but it has been about 2+ weeks since she has done this. She repeadetly has told me that she is fat and is out of shape. She bit my head off on Sat. over a new pair of jeans. She said they were too small. I liked the way they fit. She told me basically I had no taste and I needed to shut up. I told her that I was sorry she felt that way about herself and she should keep her negativity quiet. "Don't pick apart my personal taste" I told her. "Take the damn jeans back then!" "I think they look hot on You, but it obviously does not matter what I think!" I then shutup and walked away. I told her she was pretty this morning and she replied "I am?" Her whole mood changed. I truly feel like my hard work and persistance are paying off. I did not say things like this too often early in our relationship because I felt my wife was more confident than she was. I was a cover up to lift up my dead ass! I let my wife go and found myself. My self confidence could not be higher. I don't need my wife for anything! But I want her for everything! There is a difference and she knows it. All women do. Most women see this as a burden (I think). Anyway, just thought i would give update and to all the others dealing with sex problems and infedelity issues there is hope my friends. :smthumbup:


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

Magic,

You R Awesome...I think you should continue what you are doing: let her know you love her and are there for her but give her space to come to you. The sex will come...be there for her and just tell her she is beautiful to you but don't smother her if you know what I mean..lay back a bit. Just BE with her without looking for anything and the energy will shift as it is already.

I have to listen to my own advice. (LOL)


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