# She says she wants to figure whats wrong with our child first



## Jabberg27 (Jul 14, 2011)

my wife wants to figure out what is wrong with our daughter before rebuilding our marriage. She has moved out and into a rental


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What IS wrong with your daughter?


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## Jabberg27 (Jul 14, 2011)

just a kid. she thinks when my daughter acts up it is abnormal and that there is something wrong


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

It is really hard to help you with such little information.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I think the "abnormal" one here is your wife!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Maybe she is just using it as an excuse.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Or maybe she does have a mental issue.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Or maybe there is way too little information to tell.


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## Mom#2Bliss (Jul 11, 2011)

I agree there is not enough information here at all, if you are looking for advice. 

-What beyond "acting up" is wrong with her? What kind of acting up does she display? 

-Why did you wife move out?

-Is there an issue between you and the daughter? (like you and the mom don't see eye to eye in raising/discipling)

You are going to have to open up a bit here if you want advice my friend...


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Is this a young kid throwing temper tantrums and refusing to go to bed on time?

Or is this a teen sleeping around, doing drugs and staying out all night?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

F-102 said:


> Is this a young kid throwing temper tantrums and refusing to go to bed on time?
> 
> Or is this a teen sleeping around, doing drugs and staying out all night?


There is so much in between.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

OP: please don't think anyone's being critical, most folk on the forum are trying to learn and help in equal measure.... but with so little information it's impossible to express a view. 
I saw the thread title and thought it might be an interesting read with some insights ref bad behaviour from kids relating to relationship problems..... come back and help us out!


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## Jabberg27 (Jul 14, 2011)

my daughter is 3 yrs old and its mostly temper tantrums and not wanting to go to bed. she has her own bed now and stays in our room the one year old sleeps with us and later in the night the 3 yr old wkes up and gets in with us. its good thing we have such a big bed so all four of us and the dog can fit. i have wanted to get the 3yr old to move to her own room but my wife hates that idea if i say anything of how to raise or discipline them i am a total jerk.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Jabberg27 said:


> my daughter is 3 yrs old and its mostly temper tantrums and not wanting to go to bed. she has her own bed now and stays in our room the one year old sleeps with us and later in the night the 3 yr old wkes up and gets in with us. its good thing we have such a big bed so all four of us and the dog can fit. i have wanted to get the 3yr old to move to her own room but my wife hates that idea if i say anything of how to raise or discipline them i am a total jerk.


She's your (plural) daughter? So you have every right to have a say in raising and discipline and the total jerk wouldn't be you. 
I know some people take opposing views about kids sleeping in parents' bed, but I've always felt the following: 
Breastfeeding babes, fair enough (subject to putting back in the cot afterwards, there've been enough smotherings to not want to take daft risks)
Any child from birth to whenever if there's been a nightmare, storm, illness, etc etc - time spent in parents' bed dependent on the issue on the day. 
Early morning waking up time if it's not too far from the real 'getting up' time? Yeah ok. Can be quite fun, close, etc., for all the family.
Any other time? Nope. If they won't sleep in their own bed it's actually NOT such a big deal to teach them how to. 
Even if you didn't have your wife struggling to understand temper tantrums can be quite common and CAN be overcome, having four people in a bed (kick the dog out, I say!) isn't so good for your married relationship, now is it.......


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You need to get a doctor to tell your wife that your daughter should NOT be staying in your bed. They also need to tell your wife that she needs to LEARN how to discipline a 3 year old. Temper tantrum? Time out. She will learn quickly enough to stop throwing tantrums.

Start taping SuperNanny reruns and watch them with your wife. Nearly every single episode is centered around at least one parent's unwillingness to discipline a child.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

What turnera said. If the two of you don't get together and start applying good, effective, positive discipline now, you are going to have a beast on your hands soon.

Amazon.com: Discipline for Life : Getting it Right with Children (9781887069069): Madelyn Swift: Books

Amazon.com: Setting Limits: How to Raise Responsible, Independent Children by Providing Clear Boundaries (Revised and Expanded Second Edition) (0086874512122): Robert J. Mackenzie: Books

Amazon.com: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (9780380811960): Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish: Books


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

I would also say that your marriage problems and parenting problems are intertwined. That she thinks you are a "total jerk" is not so good. There are issues there in terms of effective communication and compromise skills. Family counseling might be a good idea.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Many women are just raised to believe they, and only they, can be good parents. That it's natural for a woman and a man is to be kept away so as not to 'mess up' the kid. You're going to have to put your foot down about this NOW, before it ruins your marriage.


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## Jabberg27 (Jul 14, 2011)

With the 3 yr old my wife feels that she is to far away if we put her in her own room. With the one yr old I understand that situation and yes i agree about going back to the crib after feeding and ya that dont happen. The dog has gotten quite a few nudges off the end of the bed. Its a dog my wife had when we met. I feel I have been pushed out. My wife has moved out with the kids and I am sure the arrangments are the same just with out me. I feel i would just be starting more conflict if I was to say anything. Far as the discipline My wife would have a breakdown and tell me to handle it and i would do the time out and then about 5 minutes later she would let our daughter out of time out herself and i would then feel resentment and just let her handle it herself. Now when ever I am home on days off which are few I spend time with our daughter and have little to no problems. which understand that when I am away at work for 30 days their lives keep turning also and when i come back that they are used to me being gone that they just keep rolling along like I wasnt there.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's ridiculous. A 3 year old is WAY old enough to be sleeping in his own room. Seriously?

And there is NO reason for a baby to sleep in your bed and, in fact, you are being a bad parent for allowing it. Haven't you heard of SIDS?

A story on NPR the other day about it said that there should be only two things in a crib: a baby and a sheet. Anything else is a suffocating death waiting to happen. An adult's bed is even worse.

The bottom line is you are going to have to MAN UP. Grow a pair, for your children's sakes. You CAN disagree with your wife, and it is NOT ony the woman who knows how to raise a child. Please change this before something bad happens. Or you get divorced so she can just have your paycheck.


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## alicew332 (Jul 20, 2011)

While I don't agree with turnera's vehemence against sleeping with a baby, since it can actually be done safely, for instance with a cosleeper device, you don't actually have any babies in your house. Three and one are not babies. So that is neither here nor there. Those children do not belong in one big crowded bed. It will interfere with sleep for everyone as you see. And it is contributing to the a feeling of permissiveness and over indulgence that is going to bite you solidly in the butt in days, weeks and years to come.

You need to be willing to start and finish that conflict. Man up as turnera is advising or your kids will suffer and you will spend the rest of your life under your wife's boot. 

Learn about parenting, about child development and lead your wife to peace in your home.


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## Jabberg27 (Jul 14, 2011)

Ok I will seek the help you all are telling me and Thank you all for your help and advice.


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## CoffeeTime (Jul 3, 2011)

I am not convinced that this is the sole issue. What do I know? Nothing. Just instinctive which I can't help. Such is the life in forums.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She's using the child as an excuse to get rid of you. She KNOWS you'll have to pay her CS and maybe alimony. You're not fun any more, so she got rid of you. 

And fwiw, just because a woman has a baby, it doesn't mean she's automatically a great expert on how to raise a child. It takes education and willingness to learn. And lots of SuperNanny episodes, lol.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Read his other posts-she just threw the "I need space" grenade.


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