# Scared Porn Will Ruin Our Marriage



## Dalicias (Nov 27, 2011)

My husband has always watched porn...I just don't think I knew exactly how much porn he watched until I started checking up on him. He watches it at work on his cellphone, at home when he won't come to bed with me...

I'm pregnant now, but believe this was a problem before I got pregnant...I only recently started checking up on him every day. 

We have talked about it, and it said it made him feel guilty and that he wouldn't do it anymore. I told him I don't care if you watch porn, but everyday more than once a day for sure he watches it. He says he does it when he's bored, when I am not available...but I don't think I trust him anymore with this. 

I took video and pictures with him so he could have something to watch on his phone...but, he hasn't used them since. 

I'm done talking. He knows how I feel and we had a 6 hour talk last night about how I would try to get over my insecurities about porn, as long as he didn't cross any of my lines and make it an everyday thing, or let it get in the way of our relationship.

He still needs it everyday, I don't think I would have the courage to leave him, but now I am sort of hoping I just find a problem so I can give him a real wake up call so he knows what he would lose...and that would include his unborn child.

Is this selfish of me? I've been trying really hard...but just am terrified it will become a problem again...


----------



## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

Nooo. I think watching any one particular type of movie can detramental to a relationship. Regardless of it being porn, soapies, drama, violence or what ever. If a person becomes obsessed with any one thing, you could be on the a dangerous path.


----------



## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I don't watch much porn, but every once in a while.

My wife and I have made our own movies...I would prefer watching that over profesionals anytime.

Have you ever thought of making your own movie with yoru husband?


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

"I only recently started checking up on him every day."

*This will get old and draining for you to feel you need to do this. You will end up doing this so much it will almost like an obsession. Surely its not how you want to spend your time, especially after the baby is born. 

"He says he does it when he is bored."

*Bull, there are many other things I'm sure he can find to do if he is bored. 

"I don't think I can trust anymore with this."

*Listen to what you're saying and go with it. If you feel you can't trust him then you're probably right. 

"I would try to get over my insecurities about porn, as long as he didn't cross any of my lines and make it an everyday thing, or let it get in the way of our relationship."

* You say you will work on your insecurities. First of all just because a person voices their concern about their spouse watching porn right much of it, doesn't mean you are insecure. You even said if he did it once in awhile it wasn't that big of a deal. So it doesn't sound like you're insecure. It sounds like you don't want him think he has got to watch it everyday several times a day. And he shouldn't, he needs a hobby. 

"I don't think I would have the courage to leave him, but now I am sort of hoping I just find a problem so I can give him a real wake up call so he knows what he would lose...and that would include his unborn child."

*I hope for the sake of your marriage he is listening to you. However, in case he doesn't, chances are he will more than likely need a wake up call. However, there is no garantee that will wake him up. I will tell you sitting at home tending to your baby and just telling him you wished he would stop, isn't going to cut it. He will learn to tune you out and think you are nothing more than talk. If I were you, Id suggest some MC for you both. I also think you need to set boundaries. If he crosses that boundary then you need to set consequences.


----------



## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

I am a bit confused? You said in your message that you don't care if he watches his porn so I am not sure what is bothering you? Also, how does his watching porn negatively impact your marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Jeff74 said:


> I am a bit confused? You said in your message that you don't care if he watches his porn so I am not sure what is bothering you? Also, how does his watching porn negatively impact your marriage?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She said she didn't care if he watched it, but not everyday lots of times a day.


----------



## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Hi.

Well my personal opinion, formed by my world view and also by my experience with porn addicts and in the sex industry... i believe porn is destructive to any relationship. But given there are varying opinions here, let's look at it from the point of view of an addiction. Your husband sounds like the classic example of an addict. He isn't doing it just because it's something he would like to do, like eat a piece of cake or go shopping here and there. He is doing it compusively and obsessively, even doing it at work and risking his employment and reputation, posing risk to himself. If you were to give him an ultimatum and threaten to leave him over it, he will not stop because he is powerless and can't stop. These are the hallmarks of any type of addiction.

The good news is that there is help out there, if he is open to checking it out. There are one on one counsellors, and also 12 step groups where people can get support and interact with others who have succeeded in gaining and maintaining sobriety. My husband is part of a 12 step group and it has been a really good thing for him. The ones that deal with sexual addiction are SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) and SLAA (Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous). 

I hope this helps

Cheers

Quiet Soul


----------



## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

I am still confused...how many time per day is it ok is he watches porn? And for what duration? If he watches porn once per day for an hour, for example, is that ok? If she is ok with him watching "some" porn and he wants to watch it, then they need to come up with an agreement as to what is agreeable. The problem is that it is too vague as to what quantity is acceptable. 

Set up an agreement that they are both happy with and that they promise to adhere to. This should then help a lot because he gets to watch porn and she will not feel like he is an addict.

And regarding the term "addict", I cannot say based on your post whether he is or is not an addict. Watching porn on a cell at work could be a sign but not necessarily. For example, is he watching on his lunch break in private? Perhaps he owns his own business and works alone in an office? Perhaps he doesnt do it every day? My only point here is people throw around the term addiction very loosely and based upon the original post it is not possible to know whether he has an addiction or not.

And I disagree with an earlier post that said porn is destructive to any relationship. I think that porn CAN be destructive to a relationship but do not think it is a fact that it always is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Some married men can walk the fine line between watching porn and keeping their wives happy sexually. But for most men the more they watch the more they get conditioned to being turned on by porn and having an orgasm using masturbation. This can lead to sexual dysfunction caused by low desire during partner sex (because it is less physically and psychologically intense) and the anxiety that these dysfunctions cause. This puts him off partner sex even more and increases his masturbation and porn watching. It is a vicious circle that many men can't get out of.

Men who already suffer from anxiety or depression, have trouble with intimacy, are loners, like spending time alone and don't have many friends or an active social life tend to be more susceptible to falling into this porn and masturbation habit.


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

OP... is he not having sex with you anymore? 

Do you dislike porn more now that you are pregnant? 

Why do you think he should not watch it? What is the effect on you, him, the marriage....???

I just think when you are pregnant you don't feel so sexy, so him looking at sexy women can hurt your feelings. If this is what it is...then I think you should say exactly that. And then amp up the sex life. 

I also think that when you get pregnant, sometimes H WANTS to look at some sexy women... not thinking how it hurts your feelings. 

Also, some pregnant women don't like to have sex so much...some never during the pregnancy.... which it would seem like he should have a free pass to look at porn in that case. 

If there is no obvious effect on the M, or the sex life.... then why check up on him?


----------



## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Porn, even in the smallest way, shape, or form can/will eventually ruin a relationship! Take it from someone who knows..... 

If it's to the point it's a 'daily' thing, even at work, then there's a good probability he's an addict. What porn does is distort their view of reality. Makes them want something that isn't real. It'll get to the point, when you don't look/act like the women in the movies, he won't be able to be sexually satisfied by you. I've seen/heard situations where the addict eventually can't even satisfy himself, and goes outside the marriage (affairs/prostitutes) for fulfillment. The high he's looking for will eventually get so strong, even that won't fulfill him. It's a bad road he's traveling down.....for your marriage/families' sake, put your foot down now and insist you both attend counseling. 

Good luck to you! Congratulations on the pregnancy!


----------



## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

As I said it a previous message, porn can ruin a relationship but this is absolutely not a foregone conclusion. An addiction, whatever the kind, can also ruin a relationship..but this is also not a foregone conclusion.

One person's personal experience does not in anyway make that a rule. What I mean is that if porn has ruined one relationship this does NOT mean it will definitely ruin another. 

Additionally, doing something on a daily basis does not make something an addiction. We need to be careful in classifying the term "addiction". Furthermore, porn CAN distort reality but by no means will definitely distort reality.

I am not trying to be argumentative with people but I think all too often people try to take their personal experiences and opinions and project them as "absolutes".

Every situation is different because every person/couple is different. 

Good luck in figuring yours out!


----------



## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Yeah it can very well ruin relationships but more so its the individual porn in itself is immoral of course but not everyone cares porn is an arousal addiction. Constant change he is preferring a controlled and asychronistic internet based world and the arousal addictions that porn provides him to sex with you sometimes which he finds repetitive.

You are not really overreacting most men would be shocked if women watched as much porn as them or even watched porn it seems its not as big with women. He would be likely upset and jealous if you acted as he did however you do not need to stoop to that level. You are basically asking and wishing your husband would appreciate you more and not worship porn and the women in it and spend more time with you and helping both of you during sex pleasure for both of you. His behavior is selfish and its not good seeing he needs it all the time especially since he has a wife if he was single not having sex i could understand looking at porn more than you might in a relationship but yeah his behavior is not to great. You want him to stop lusting over other women and that is perfectly understandable.

Not all men have porn addictions and not all men watch porn


----------



## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Dalicias 

Jeff74 does have a point: not all porn users are addicted. However, I still disagree with his opinion on what it can do to a marriage, but then my opinion is just like his: an opinion. 

If you're in question as to whether or not your DH is addicted, here are a few signs to look for (these were given to me to determine if my ex indeed had an addiction/needed counseling) 

Not as social as he used to be
lacks interest in sex - unable to perform with partner
Uncharacteristically Different when having sex with partner
Emotionally detached 
Nit Pick partner's appearance 
Dishonest and/or vague answers to questions; avoids answering 
Wed to the internet
Sore shoulders/back from computer use
Change in demeanor - mood swings , suttle or severe
Interests in general changing 

If your DH exhibits one of more of these signs, he may be on his way to being addicted. If that's the case, I would advise you both to seek counseling as a couple. Addictions, no matter kind are not something that can be handled without professional help.


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*Not as social as he used to be
lacks interest in sex - unable to perform with partner
Uncharacteristically Different when having sex with partner
Emotionally detached
Nit Pick partner's appearance
Dishonest and/or vague answers to questions; avoids answering
Wed to the internet
Sore shoulders/back from computer use
Change in demeanor - mood swings , suttle or severe
Interests in general changing *

But these things could indicate red flags for many things.... and "one or more"??? That's a bit drastic to make a decision on. Any one of these things on their own mean nothing at all.


----------



## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

But these things could indicate red flags for many things.... and "one or more"??? That's a bit drastic to make a decision on. Any one of these things on their own mean nothing at all.




Yep! Correct! But the OP was specifically referring to Porn ruining her marriage. I don't remember her mentioning any other concerns. That's why I also suggested they seek counseling. The professionals would be better at determining what's going on for them than any of us here.


----------

