# Getting started dating



## BaxJanson (Apr 4, 2013)

I'm hesitant about dating. 

Before I got married, I didn't do much... any, really. Asked two or three girls out, got shot down, and then my wife hunted me down.

I recognize that part of my hesitation (not all, though) is simple uncertainty on where to begin. I don't know a thing about clubs, I've only visited bars with groups of friends, and online dating seems an impenetrable fortress. Groups of friends are out of the question these days, and with my social life limited to work, home, and church, I'm finding it hard to get traction.

Any thoughts/ideas?


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Have fun with it. Go to a crowded mall and make it your goal to tell at least 10 beautiful women "In case no one else tells you today I just wanted to let you know you're wearing the hell out of those jeans". Honestly getting on a forum and telling everyone how you have no idea where to start or how in the past you were nervous talking to women just screams lack of self confidence to me. Just a bit of tough love. Everything starts with hello. That's your beginning regardless of being in a club, bar, restaurant, grocery store, church or on the sidewalk. Confidence comes from experience. Experience only happens if you try. You will not be 100% successful. But it only takes 1 out of 100 to say yes and you'll fell like you're on top of the world. Now get off the keyboard, put on your shiny shoes and get out there and make it happen!


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

If you don't want to make the effort with online dating (and it is something of a dark art, a very discouraging one sometimes) then have you considered Meetup.com? It's not a dating site, it's for groups of like minded people to get together and share interests. There are dating groups on there too, or you can just go and hang out with people with the same hobbies as you.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

> Have fun with it. Go to a crowded mall and make it your goal to tell at least 10 beautiful women "In case no one else tells you today I just wanted to let you know you're wearing the hell out of those jeans".


Wow, if anyone said that to me at a mall...I'd feel violated and repulsed...please don't take that suggestion. Total creep move.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

If you haven't been rejected, you haven't tried hard enough.

It's all about confidence and trying. You see a woman you like, approach her, get a feel if she is single and ask her out.

#1 Goal - GET USED TO REJECTION

This is where many man won't even bother or try, they are scared of above.

And the fact is, they need to be used to it. Even the BEST of man get rejected. 

You will get to a point where rejection no longer matters to you, you won't fear it or care if it happens.

Women are like dogs, if you have no confidence they will sniff it out. If you are afraid of rejection, they will know.

First dozen or 2 times, you WILL fail. Keep at it.

If you won't try, you can't possibly EVER succeed.

PS. if you are looking for a serious relationship I would tell you to stay FAR FAR FAR away from Clubs, bars and churches hehe. Not the type of place I would go looking for wife material, but that's just me. Heck, actually I cant' think of a WORST place to meet a good woman!!!

Good luck


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Nikita2270 said:


> Wow, if anyone said that to me at a mall...I'd feel violated and repulsed...please don't take that suggestion. Total creep move.


Come on now, be honest.

If you were attracted to the guy, you would love it.

If there was no attraction, above applies.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Nikita2270 said:


> Wow, if anyone said that to me at a mall...I'd feel violated and repulsed...please don't take that suggestion. Total creep move.


So you'd be one of the 99.....I'm not seeing a problem here.

Point is to make contact and start a conversation. It doesn't have to be completely pick-up line BS. Just a starting point to get a conversation moving.

"Those ear rings look nice on you"
"I like that shirt"
clothing/accessory + "looks nice" or "I like that" = opener

Or the standard "Hi, I'm 'insert name here'. What's your name?"

I stay away from the "you're eyes are so pretty" type lines because if they actually are then they've heard that a million times and you're instantly relegated to "some dude was hitting on me today" when she tells her friends later.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

one_strange_otter said:


> So you'd be one of the 99.....I'm not seeing a problem here.
> 
> Point is to make contact and start a conversation. It doesn't have to be completely pick-up line BS. Just a starting point to get a conversation moving.
> 
> ...


But just a reminder... The point is to get over his fear of rejection, not necessarily to pick someone up. To understand that the most likely "worst case" is that she tells you to "f' off", and you never see her again. And your life still goes on, just the same. So who cares if she tells her GF's about some lame guy who tried to pick her up?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

PBear said:


> But just a reminder... The point is to get over his fear of rejection, not necessarily to pick someone up. To understand that the most likely "worst case" is that she tells you to "f' off", and you never see her again. And your life still goes on, just the same. So who cares if she tells her GF's about some lame guy who tried to pick her up?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OP just sounded like someone that might be overthinking it to that level. I'm guilty of it. But I agree, it's about getting over the fear of rejection. I didn't mean to imply he should be trying to pick up 100 chicks at the mall. lol I just want to see him make that comfort zone a little larger when it comes to breaking the ice.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

one_strange_otter said:


> Have fun with it. Go to a crowded mall and make it your goal to tell at least 10 beautiful women "In case no one else tells you today I just wanted to let you know you're wearing the hell out of those jeans".


Oh, right that will get him a few first dates for sure.

If you're going to go the route of creepy stalker I have a better line for him to use.

Walk up to a random woman, say "hello", and while you've got her attention, stick your finger in your mouth and get it all wet with saliva, then take it out of your mouth with the saliva dripping off of it, wipe your finger on her, and then say "let's get you out of these wet clothes!"


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

> Come on now, be honest.
> 
> If you were attracted to the guy, you would love it.
> 
> If there was no attraction, above applies.


No I'm serious. If someone approached me that way...it wouldn't matter what he looked like. In fact, looks are not the first thing on my list.

What I'd be thinking is what kind of guy walks around saying this to women at a mall and how many women has he said that to today. 

I'm with my partner because he got to know me before he saw me, thanks to a dating site. It was the main reason that I was attracted to him. We had great conversation and I instantly felt a basic trust of his loyalty. That he's attractive is just icing on the cake.

I would never have any sense of loyalty with someone slobbering after women at a mall. No thanks.


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## BaxJanson (Apr 4, 2013)

I do admit to being nervous about rejection - but I'm accustomed enough to it in other areas of my life (I'm an actor) that I think with some practice, those coping skills'll transfer over. 

I just know there's no one at work, not many to meet here in my apartment, and everyone at church knows me as married. I can't even picture simply walking up to someone in a store, tbh.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

Go to a sports store, like an Academy Sports and Outdoors. Buy a jock strap. Put it on under your normal clothes. Go to the mall/store/park and walk around. When you notice an attractive woman, look at what she is wearing and see if there is something that you can compliment her on, such as "Nice, shoes. They really compliment your outfit." 

Why the jockstrap? No reason other than you're just overthinking things. Now, go get your jockstrap and talk to some women. 

Once you get confident just giving a compliment to an unknown woman, then you need to start practicing the next phase: How to react when she smiles, says thank you, and starts engaging in conversation.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

movealong said:


> Go to a sports store, like an Academy Sports and Outdoors. Buy a jock strap. Put it on under your normal clothes.


If they're going to follow one_strange_otter's advice, I suggest they substitute a cup for the jock strap, for when they inevitably get kicked in the nuts.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

one_strange_otter said:


> Have fun with it. Go to a crowded mall and make it your goal to tell at least 10 beautiful women "In case no one else tells you today I just wanted to let you know you're wearing the hell out of those jeans". Honestly getting on a forum and telling everyone how you have no idea where to start or how in the past you were nervous talking to women just screams lack of self confidence to me. Just a bit of tough love. Everything starts with hello. That's your beginning regardless of being in a club, bar, restaurant, grocery store, church or on the sidewalk. Confidence comes from experience. Experience only happens if you try. You will not be 100% successful. But it only takes 1 out of 100 to say yes and you'll fell like you're on top of the world. Now get off the keyboard, put on your shiny shoes and get out there and make it happen!


Don't do this. This is creepystalkerman action.




BaxJanson said:


> I do admit to being nervous about rejection - but I'm accustomed enough to it in other areas of my life (I'm an actor) that I think with some practice, those coping skills'll transfer over.
> 
> I just know there's no one at work, not many to meet here in my apartment, and everyone at church knows me as married. I can't even picture simply walking up to someone in a store, tbh.


How old are you? 

Meetup.com is great as a starting point. The people that join are open to new friendships and I have found that it is a good place to meet people of both genders.

Skip the clubs and bars. Coffee shops could be better but don't try to pick someone up who is engrossed in a book. 

I would suggest the online route. I found it a ton of fun and had some very nice dates on it (though I am female). Also, come hang out in the Life After Divorce subforum. Lots of good advice on just this topic. 

Good luck. You'll get the hang of it once you put yourself out there. There are many, many nice people in your situation.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

BaxJanson said:


> I recognize that part of my hesitation (not all, though) is simple uncertainty on where to begin. I don't know a thing about clubs, I've only visited bars with groups of friends, and online dating seems an impenetrable fortress. Groups of friends are out of the question these days, and with my social life limited to work, home, and church, I'm finding it hard to get traction.


You sound boring. I'd work on that first. I know many people would disagree, but personally I think bars and clubs are horrible places to meet women (unless you just want to have sex with them, in which case now you are competing against all the other men who are there to do the same thing).

I'm not a playboy by any means, but I think I have good success with talking with women because I am interesting. I do a lot of fun and interesting things and I'm passionate about them. I'm not good at walking up to random women and engaging in them, but that's not how I secure dates. Before getting involved with my GF, I was constantly putting myself in situations where I could build rapport with girls naturally and that wasn't even the intent of my activities.

meetup.com is a great way to meet people. But you should also get some interesting hobbies and passions. You're not going to wow a girl by telling her that after work you go home, and then on sundays you go to church. Be the most interesting person you can be, and it will overflow into your conversations and you'll find people are wanting to talk to you.

If you're just looking to meet people and have fun, I would say by far the best activity you can pick up is ballroom or latin dancing. Imagine walking into a classroom and two dozen beautiful woman are excited to see you because they need A BODY to hold them and tell them what to do. Even if you are the worst dancer in the planet, the women will be happy just to have you there so they don't have to sit out. That's the standard situation in every dance studio in the country. On average, I would say a 10:1 ratio of girls to guys.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Jetranger said:


> If they're going to follow one_strange_otter's advice, I suggest they substitute a cup for the jock strap, for when they inevitably get kicked in the nuts.


LMAO......Why didn't i ever think about wearing a cup? All those embarrasing nut punches would have been much less traumatic....


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Simply just go up to any attractive women randomly and mistake them for someone else, start a conversation, and get their number. 

No need for any pickup line :smthumbup:
No need for any online BS :smthumbup:
Just simple mistaken identity!

Been working like a charm this year, found my FWB this way!


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Try online dating before you knock it.

Sign up for a paid site like match.com. Stay away from POF.

Contact women who you would like to meet for coffee & have a chat with. Do not only contact women that you see as a potential life partner. Do not engage in long emails & telephone calls prior to meeting. I made that mistake & fantasy emotional connections are or can be created. You can tell enough from a picture & profile if this is a person you can enjoy being with for 30 minutes.

Also be aware that people can & do lie (no different than IRL). Don't assume that they are lying but proceed with caution. Another tip is to be wary of people who list as "separated." Those folks are still married. Good luck.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Emerald said:


> Try online dating before you knock it.
> 
> Sign up for a paid site like match.com. Stay away from *POV*.
> 
> ...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

BaxJanson said:


> I do admit to being nervous about rejection - but I'm accustomed enough to it in other areas of my life (I'm an actor) that I think with some practice, those coping skills'll transfer over.
> 
> I just know there's no one at work, not many to meet here in my apartment, and everyone at church knows me as married. I can't even picture simply walking up to someone in a store, tbh.


You need a strategy, and a plan.

I realize that many people believe that human interaction should just occur 'naturally' ... but for the most part, it doesn't. 

I've been dating for over 6 years, care to know how many 'natural' interactions and meetings I've had that have led to dates?

One.

Needless to say, I've dated a lot more than one woman.

If you were to tell me you were going to take up rock climbing, or wind surfing, or para-gliding, then odds are you would probably get some instruction, and have a good bit of challenges or failures on your way to mastering your skill of choice ... any skill.

Dating is no different. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.


Here is the singular book, I now recommend for guys looking for self improvement, and dipping their toes back into dating:

Models: Attract Women Through Honesty: Mark Manson: 9781463750350: Amazon.com: Books


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Yeah the online thing is strange but eh , you can meet plenty of women once you get the hang of it. l've met two just in the last 2hrs and talking to a couple of others at the same time. Dozens all up Not bad considering l didn't even have a social life. You might cop a bit of a kicking for the first few wks but don't let it get to you , you find the knack after awhile .
Admittedly , a fair bit of disappointment to though and finding someone on there that like really , hits the spot , like you'd would really want to go for if it was RL , seems to be a challenge.
Although there has been a few yet ****** me , they seem to be the ones that don't answer but ah well.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

POF, in the words of my colleague (who is a single woman and looking) is 'full of freaks'. As a single guy, a lot of the women on there seem to be weird or damaged, I've had much more luck and met much nicer women on OKC.

It does take some getting used to. Having a decent profile is one of the key things, because as I've refined mine, I've had more and more women initiating first contact. Knowing how to write a decent first message is also important, getting your foot in the door so to speak.


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