# Newlywed Woes



## soinlove1013 (Feb 25, 2014)

I am a recently newly wed wife that is not really sure where to go next or what to do. We got married October 2013. I am so in love with my husband as he is with me but sexually we are on two separate worlds. Prior to being married we waited...yes we tested the water but held off on any full on physical for a year. I felt it strange that he never initiated prior to our marriage but I felt we are pretty old skool maybe its just him wanting to do the right thing. But we are now almost 5 months in and if I don't initiate NOTHING will happen. He does not masterbate or watch porn. All he does is play Battlefield on his PS3 EVERY night. I used to call the game his mistress but now I am beginning to think maybe that I am the mistress. 

He is affectionate and cuddles me at night and kisses me everyday and all his 'man' parts work. He still tells me I'm beautiful and he doesn't want anything or anyone else. I feel like Im loosing my mind. Im crying now which is extremely odd for me. I HATE the idea of having to beg for my husband to initiate sex with me. I have tried everything...dressing up, role play, no panties etc. I am not over weight or ugly, but I just don't know what else I can do. 

Should I stop questioning him and see how it plays out? Should I just say this is the one thing I will not get, and be lucky I have such an honest guy? Opinions welcomed


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Have you REALLY discussed this with him. I mean if you are crying, he has got to know you are in pain. How many times do you guys have sex? Maybe he thinks that because you don't initiate you are OK with it. He MAY want it but might not want to pressure you? Maybe he thinks he would be called a pervert or something? IDK


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Now is the time to get this straight with him before you turn around and are years into this. Is he aware of how unhappy you are right now? Being an adult certainly he could understand that he's in a marriage now and has a wife who needs attention much more than his PS3 does.

It could be that he has a low sex drive - some men and women do. Sex might not be something he thinks about often - it likely doesn't have anything to do with you and isn't personal.

I think there is an extra layer of shame when a woman doesn't feel wanted sexually. It hurts men and women alike to be sure - but men stereotypically are supposed to want it all the time. It hard to accept being a woman who isn't getting chased when it feels like all the other women are around you.

In any case - first he need to know how deep your hurt is. He needs to be given the opportunity to take action. If he chooses to take no action the ball will be in your court.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

After you follow ms Scarlett's suggestion send him to the doctor to have his testosterone checked. 

If after all of that, his test is normal, you've seen no appreciable change... Get out now because it won't change.

Another example why waiting for marriage is a bad idea. Had you known this man had no sex drive would have married him?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Newly wed man doesn't want sex three times a day. Something is wrong with him. Cannot be fixed.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I can tell you from experience - its one thing to be young and in love and be able to say 'I have a great guy, you don't get everything and I just will concede the sex an be happy.'

Because when you are young you can't see the damage that 20 or 30 years of not being wanted will do.

Your story sounds somewhat similar to TheCuriousWife - you can look up The LD Husband Journal. She is having success now but only through repeated calling her husband on his crap and holding him accountable for equal treatment.


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## soinlove1013 (Feb 25, 2014)

I hide the crying thing. It just hit me really hard today. I got the Im tired Friday, the cold shoulder Saturday and the not in the mood sunday so believe me I try and try and try some more. We may have sex once a week if Im feeling pushy but if I do not try we DO NOT have sex.


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## soinlove1013 (Feb 25, 2014)

Dear God I hope not


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Girl, if he doesn't have low testosterone, it's over before it began. Your man is gay or asexual and there is no changing either one of those.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Sorry,
Most likely you are married to an extremely low drive guy. I guess there is a chance it is a physical problem but not likely. 

It is easier to think that you will be able to deal with it early on but if the mismatch is bad enough it can be tough to live with as time goes on.

I think you need to figure out what your minimum acceptable sex life is and make sure he knows and will meet those needs. 

For example: at least once a week he initiates with real enthusiasm. etc..

good luck


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Ask him if he wants to live in the real world or continue to live in the pretend world.

Once again video games strike! Stupid video games wrecked my marriage or at the least did a lot of damage.

I often wonder what these video warriors would do if thet were actually on a battlefield. I know what I would do. I would s#it my pants.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Girl, if he doesn't have low testosterone, it's over before it began. Your man is gay or asexual and there is no changing either one of those.


Good point! I have heard of this problem before, these young men have these gaming habits they had before they married and then continue into their marriage....do you think these games drain some T ? Sort of like a man in a violent situation? IDK :scratchhead:


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

The fact that he didn't want to have sex before you were married says a lot about why he doesn't want to have sex now. I know some people go this route for religious reasons -- is that why he waited? -- but let's face it, that's just not normal for most young, healthy men who are in love.

As someone who was married to a LD man for twenty years, please don't make the same mistake I did. I wasted all those years thinking it would get better.

It did not.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

over20 said:


> Good point! I have heard of this problem before, these young men have these gaming habits they had before they married and then continue into their marriage....do you think these games drain some T ? Sort of like a man in a violent situation? IDK :scratchhead:


No, actually I think more of these men use gaming to hide a porn addiction or asexuality. Testosterone just will not allow a man, no matter his religion, to ignore his sex drive. So if his testosterone is normal, the man's brain just isn't wired for sex...or sex with women.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Ok.....some of these men though are so driven by their combat games it can become a reality.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

over20 said:


> Ok.....some of these men though are so driven by their combat games it can become a reality.


It's an escape, not their reality. They escape into gaming to avoid the unpleasantness of real relationships.

Who the hell would play a video game when he's got a hot young wife in the bedroom wanting him?


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I know I don't get it either...it just seems like a growing trend for men in their 20's...I don't get it...that's why I thought maybe the video games drain their T..they must get a lot of satisfaction from the stupid games that transfers into conquests in their mind???? IDK

Nevertheless, it is very troubling..a young man should be having a boner an hour IMO.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

It is interesting to hear all of your suggestions but at the end of the day her husband is just one of the rapidly growing "new breed" of young adults who find more pleasure in virtual reality than reality itself. 

Not long ago a an article was written about how Japan has a dying population. The youth have very little interest in sex but are consumed with technology and have been for years. It is a disturbing trend that is taking a foothold here in the US in a rather rapid fashion. 

Let's face it the way we communicate and interact is less personal every year because we can communicate at our finger tips.

OP I suggest you let your husband know he has to limit his gaming until you get your relationship back on track. Never should his PS3 time exceed your time together making a quality life together. Introduce the concept of the "deal breaker" to him. And tell him to man up for gods sake.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Video games are a scapegoat nothing else. If it wasn't for ps3 it would be espn or Facebook or TV or guys night out etc etc.

I am a hardcore gamer and know many other hardcore gamers and none of them would fight battles while our partner was ready and willing... It's a nice excuse to have.


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## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

over20 said:


> ...a young man should be having a boner an hour IMO.


Yea that's me ;-)

FYI I "hate" video games....rather take my boner and fu*k
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Here I am! 

Yep, your husband sounds very very similar to mine.

I was married in October 2012. So I'm one year ahead of you.

It _can_ get better. That doesn't mean it will.

Let me tell you it's an uphill battle. My husband and I are doing a LOT better here recently, but to be honest I'm still not totally satisfied. 

We have had the best sexual week we might have ever had this week. But I was still rejected yesterday and the day before. 

My husband is perfectly happy to lay on the couch every night and watch tv or play xbox instead of having sex with me. So I know exactly how you feel, and how badly it hurts.


I would get his T levels checked, and sit him down and have a very honest and blunt conversation about how he is making you feel. And what he NEEDS to do to work on it.

You need to start working on this asap, or else it will only get worse!

If he isn't willing to try to change, or if there isn't some progress after a while of good effort, I would get out. 

It's just not worth it. Even I realize that my husband will never be the sexual partner that I dream about or want. But we have made progress, and I would be okay with the place we are at. 

You will have to make your own choice if you are okay with how your husband behaves, it doesn't sound like you are though. And life is too short to waste it being unhappy.

If you have any questions, or just want a shoulder to cry on I'm here!


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

How is it that the very few HD ladies that are out there always seem to find a LD guy. 

Don't even think about kids till you have this worked out. Say what you want now, but if he never changes. You will eventually divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> How is it that the very few HD ladies that are out there always seem to find a LD guy.
> 
> Don't even think about kids till you have this worked out. Say what you want now, but if he never changes. You will eventually divorce.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think there is some truth to what Ray is saying. I do feel things can get sorted out, but if they can't expect A LOT of resentment.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

soinlove1013 said:


> I am a recently newly wed wife that is not really sure where to go next or what to do. We got married October 2013. I am so in love with my husband as he is with me but sexually we are on two separate worlds.


I can give you the long version of how this plays out over a long time span. I wish someone had told me at the time what I'm going to tell you - the chance that this is going to get fixed in your marriage is vanishingly small. Decide if this is how you want to be 10, 20, or 30 years from now while you have infinite options.

I do not just glibly say "dump him" and move on, but just be warned of the highest likelihood outcome.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

This should be required reading for any newlywed woman married to a LD man.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/98817-ld-husband-journal.html


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You must tell him how you feel.
You cannot fix this by avoiding a conversation about what this means to you, and hearing his stated reason for not being sexual with you.


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

soinlove1013 said:


> Should I stop questioning him and see how it plays out? Should I just say this is the one thing I will not get, and be lucky I have such an honest guy? Opinions welcomed


I have read many of the suggestions, some have merit. Everyone mentions T levels and that will be important to have checked. It is a good idea that he sees a Doctor for a physical and complete blood work up.

There are many health factors that effect men and sex drive. Thyroid being one, as well as others. The video game is a distraction and has been ever since you two have been together if you look back. Now that you are married it is time to have some moderation when it comes to games. Every other day is no game or limited game day.

At his age and married we spent 1/2 our days in bed or the shower. Young men are different than in my day. Gaming, male modesty all these things are part of changing culture. I have read about the young men in Japan and it can be effecting American men as well, I do not know.

Communication is the key, talk to him, get him to go to the Doctor. Quietly explain to him your concerns for his health and your relationship. If his health checks out okay and he has laid off the gaming and things do not improve you may have to look hard at life and what you want out of it. Good Luck!


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

He might have to choose between gaming and your sex life...could he give up gaming?


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## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

I'm sorry but after 25 you need to give up the video games. I know plenty of guys in their mid to LATE 30's who are so hardcore over games its sickening. 

I always tell my wife she is lucky I don't play them. I rather focus my "gaming" on her.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Awww that's so sweet NewHubs! Your very wise!


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

are you SURE he is not taking care of himself and hiding porn?
If he does NOT have low T, and is straight, he is hiding the wacking off from you

I am 45, and had a sexless marriage for a couple years...and I took care of myself daily...yes at least once a day...and that was in my early 40's..


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

AP,
This is quoted for truth.

I love video games. Sexual desire trumps the desire to game any day.




Anon Pink said:


> No, actually I think more of these men use gaming to hide a porn addiction or asexuality. Testosterone just will not allow a man, no matter his religion, to ignore his sex drive. So if his testosterone is normal, the man's brain just isn't wired for sex...or sex with women.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Let's see.... Call of Duty our duty sex? Difficult decision 

Single gaming does not wind up your head too much, but get into a spirited multiplayer campaign...

Bad sign because if he's ignoring sex today he may ignore other essential aspects of life like kids or school or work... 

If he's playing multiplayer boundaries are needed, strong ones at that. Single player just save and power off...


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## soinlove1013 (Feb 25, 2014)

john117 said:


> Let's see.... Call of Duty our duty sex? Difficult decision
> 
> Single gaming does not wind up your head too much, but get into a spirited multiplayer campaign...
> 
> ...


It's Battlefield 4 and yes it's multiplayer. He never played this much before. But we also never lived together prior to marriage. My question is really when men late 30s men get married does anything click like hell I have a 30 oh wife she's pretty hot I should want to physical love her, do things for her etc. I mean pls do not think he totally ignores me but NEVER EVER EVER have I been with a man that doesn't wanna jump right on in. I'm not sure if this is a mind thing a medical thing or a just dang gon lazy thing. Keeping praying cus my face can't hide the disappointment anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soinlove1013 (Feb 25, 2014)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Here I am!
> 
> Yep, your husband sounds very very similar to mine.
> 
> ...


Thank u so much for the words of wisdom. I may just be hormonal but I absolutely positively love this man. I am very forward and direct in what I want but at times it goes to feeling like I'm 'making' him, even though I know I can't really do that heck he almost 7 ft. I want to just have normal husband wife sex doesn't have to be all crazy or nothing. Is that too much to ask?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

NewHubs said:


> I'm sorry but after 25 you need to give up the video games. I know plenty of guys in their mid to LATE 30's who are so hardcore over games its sickening.
> 
> I always tell my wife she is lucky I don't play them. I rather focus my "gaming" on her.


I'm 50 and I still play. About three hours a week, online with my son who now doesn't even live in the same house. We've been doing it together since he was 10. I'm not much inclined to give up something that not's a problem in my life.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I got my first video game in the 70's and I play quite a bit. Both my daughters are mighty gamers as well. You need to understand that it is a passion, believe me, especially if he's not very good at it . If he is he finished and that's it.

Games keep us young and current with culture. So when my DesignDaughter scores a 20 on Flappy Bird I know what she means. 

Try to set some boundaries and designate x days per week for games and y days a week where the game console is off. If his buddies are single and younger they have infinite time. 

Instead of actively hating his gaming take some interest in it. Buy him some logo clothes etc. I have lots of Halo shirts etcetera and more Angry Birds stuff at work than I care to count. Be gentle and firm and show him your needs. Fighting won't accomplish anything. 

We're gamers because of the fellowship it builds, the challenge, the adrenaline. But gaming has to be part of a more rounded life. Go out together and have some fun together, he11 go to a GameCon or get into fantasy fiction too. I got my wife hooked in the TV Game of Thrones series... Awkward 

Don't make it sound like its a mental disorder or teenage gig. I'm 54 and few kids can match me in Halo mostly because they don't have my patience and cunning, just like in real battles. It's all fun but within reason. Be firm, make your case and establish boundaries.


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## soinlove1013 (Feb 25, 2014)

john117 said:


> I got my first video game in the 70's and I play quite a bit. Both my daughters are mighty gamers as well. You need to understand that it is a passion, believe me, especially if he's not very good at it . If he is he finished and that's it.
> 
> Games keep us young and current with culture. So when my DesignDaughter scores a 20 on Flappy Bird I know what she means.
> 
> ...



I am as supportive as I can be to a certain extent. Hey I bought him the ps4 for Xmas. Reluctantly. But u wk 9 hrs a day, play games for 3 where is the time. But hey thanks again
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rugby (Dec 21, 2013)

As others have said, figure it out now and make a decision regarding what you are willing to live with. I married a woman similar to your husband and stayed initially for religious reasons and stay now because I love her and we have children. If your husband is like my wife, he will not change. So you will have to decide what you are willing to live with, which is a much easier decision to make if children are not involved. Whatever you do, do not get pregnant.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

SoInLove,

I suggest you read the thread below. The purpose is to identify any similarities between the thread creators (her screen name is findingnemo) situation and your own. 

It starts with:

Since April 2011, I've been seeing someone. I think I'm falling in love with him. He's a great person. Anyway, it all started as a friendship from years ago and last year turned into a sexual R. He is single, so no commitment issues there. Everything about him is perfect for me. My only issue is with the way he expresses affection...

From the beginning he put me on a schedule of sex once a week. I found that odd but being a busy single mother dismissed it as a concern. He won't hug me, I have to hug him. Kissing is becoming a rare thing. It wasn't something he did a lot from the beginning. It has nothing to do with hygiene or any such thing. I'm meticulous and very picky. He is super clean and really a stud. He goes to the gym daily, is super fit, handsome...basically you would never expect errr...the infrequent sex. And he's only 37. 

Lack of Affection... - LoveShack.org Community Forums




soinlove1013 said:


> I am as supportive as I can be to a certain extent. Hey I bought him the ps4 for Xmas. Reluctantly. But u wk 9 hrs a day, play games for 3 where is the time. But hey thanks again
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soinlove1013 (Feb 25, 2014)

MEM11363 said:


> SoInLove,
> 
> I suggest you read the thread below. The purpose is to identify any similarities between the thread creators (her screen name is findingnemo) situation and your own.
> 
> ...


Similar down to the age but he will hug and kiss but not passionately and sex could be more than once a week if I jump on him prior to him closing his eyes when he hits the bed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

So,
Did you read the whole thread? It's about a 10 minute investment. 




soinlove1013 said:


> Similar down to the age but he will hug and kiss but not passionately and sex could be more than once a week if I jump on him prior to him closing his eyes when he hits the bed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Nothing wrong with video games as long as they do not interfere with marriage. 

In the OPs case the video games are not the real problem. The real problem is his lack of interest in sex. He could probably throw out his games, computers, TV and go do something else instead.

My wife often prefers to read books instead of having sex does that mean she has a book problem?

OP you need what you need. 
Make sure your hubby knows what that is and provides them or this probably won't turn out good. You may need to give him very specific instructions.


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