# Husband disagrees with my religion



## mae

My husband and I have been working on a lot of things in our marriage, from affinity to communication to spending more time together, etc. The marriage has been improving but I think there are some bigger problems we're not going to be able to get past. 

One is we have some pretty different views on how to raise our daughter, from what school she should go to, to how we should discipline her, and we both feel very strongly about it. Before we got married I asked if he would spank a child or use some other form of punishment, like grounding or making them do a job to make up for what they did. He said the later. Now he is saying that spanking is the best way to really discipline a child and teach them respect. 

Anyway, the above is really some background info. The other big problem and why I'm posting here is that he disagrees with my religion and beliefs. Before we got married I made it very clean to him that my religion is VERY important to me and that I would want to do various things to be involved. I let him know that he didn't have to get involved if he didn't want to but that he needed to be very ok with me being involved. He agreed. He is now trying to talk me into checking out other religions and saying he disagrees with all sorts of things about my religion (an example is that he thinks we only live one life, I don't. He thinks we are our body, I don't - I think the spirit and the body are seperate and we are a spirit). 

I don't know how to handle this. I know we could handle all the smaller things in our relationship and eventually be very nice to each other, have great sex, appreciate each other, etc. but I don't see us ever getting past the big disagreements. He is very set in his ways and thinks that his opinions are the opinions of most of the population. He is older so he thinks he is wiser. Most things I'm willing to bend on but I will not give up my religion in any way, nor will I continue to be married to someone who disagrees with my religion.

Any advice?


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## jennifer22009

what is ur religion ?


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## mae

Unfortunately quite a few people here are critical so I'd rather not say.


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## Blanca

mae said:


> nor will I continue to be married to someone who disagrees with my religion.
> 
> Any advice?


i dont really see a way around this one. i find it interesting that you married someone who does not believe what you believe, though, since it is so important to you. Is it that you cant marry someone who disagrees, or someone you feel disrespects your religion? it sounds like its the disrespect that gets to you since you married him knowing he didnt agree and the only thing that has changed is his actions towards it. why do you think he's openly challenging your beliefs all of a sudden?


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## mae

When we got married he didn't disagree or disrespect it, he just wasn't very interested. He did find out a bit about it and was ok with it. Then in the last year any time I bring it up in any way (which I've done maybe 3 times) he acts resentful about it (I don't bring it up often). I make donations to my church once in a while (I donated I think $400 last year) and I have to not tell him about this or he would get mad. Just to be clear, the times I have brought it up were when we were going over our goals and one of my goals was to be able to donate lots of money to my church. This would not be now but in the future when our cash flow majorly increases. The other time was regarding marriage counseling.

I wanted him to come in with me and see the chaplain regarding our marriage and he wouldn't. I was definitely not pushy about it but I don't see why he wouldn't check it out, no one is going to "convert" him or anything (he doesn't have any religion, was raised with judaism but didn't stick with it when he grew up).

I don't know why he is challenging my beliefs. We have been talking about it more recently because of the resentment I felt from him about it and all these disagreements came out. I don't really understand it. I've been to church about 3 times this year, so that can't be it.

When I told him I couldn't be with someone who openly disagrees with my religion he kind of backed down and said he'd be willing to go into the church and "check it out." I said no thanks. I don't need his approval on it. If he really wants to find out more about it for himself, that's fine. But I don't want him going there all skeptical to "find out if it works." 

I hope this is making sense. I'm just not sure what to do.


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## Blanca

I think you ought to find out why this has become such an issue for him. My H and i are different religions. mine's not very important to me, but his is important to him. i think i would only start to openly challenge his religion if something else were bothering me and i needed leverage. so i guess im of the opinion that something else is bothering your H and he's using this to express it. 

but my h also doesnt go to church. he's not active. where you active in your religion when you first met? for me it would be weird if my H started going to church all of a sudden and started wanting to donate all this money to his church. but if things were ok with us, i think we could talk about it instead of it turning into resentment. if things werent ok with us, then i could see it easily turning into a fight. 

i could also see you using your religion as standing ground, so to speak. if you feel divided then its easy to take something and make it a pinnacle point in further expressing that feeling. im not saying that's what you are doing, i dont really know, but it seems something has changed for your H to feel threatened, or resentful, about this all of a sudden.


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## Harvard

unless you are worshiping the devil I don't see a problem however, do you believe in the same spiritual values as when you got married? If you do he needs to drop it, if not you threw him a major curve ball and I would be upset to.


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## dobo

It seems strange to me that when he says he'll go to check it out, you turned him down.

He was willing to do what you were pushing him to do and you shut him down. How is that furthering your cause?


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## mae

Harvard said:


> do you believe in the same spiritual values as when you got married? If you do he needs to drop it, if not you threw him a major curve ball and I would be upset to.


I do have the exact same spiritual values as I had before we got married and I haven't introduced anything new or crazy. I haven't started to go to church all the time all of a sudden or anything like that.



dobo said:


> It seems strange to me that when he says he'll go to check it out, you turned him down.
> 
> He was willing to do what you were pushing him to do and you shut him down. How is that furthering your cause?


It's hard to explain, I guess. I'm willing for him to go check it out I guess but I feel he would be doing it to prove to me that it doesn't work or something like that. I want him to be willing to find out about it but I don't want to feel judged. Like I have to show him that it improves my life. I shouldn't have to prove anything to him about it. Does that make sense?


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## dobo

Aren't you judging him? You're determining what he's going to do before he has done it, so what's the difference? If he does what you suspect, at least you went and opened it up to him. You can't change him. All you can do is share with him.

I'd find it very strange for someone who is so certain about their religion to be so defensive about it at the same time. Maybe that's what he's keying into. Maybe you're not as confident about it as you would prefer. 

Have you discussed this with the other folks in your church? Maybe they have some suggestions.


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## mitsi_mirage

My husband and I went through the exact same thing... he didn't agree with my beliefs. 

I was raised in believing in a saint that isn't accepted in the Catholic church, but some people condem her.... long story.

I had an alter in our room and he didn't like it. When I saw that it was starting to really affect our relationship, I took the alter down. I didn't like it because all my life I have been faithfull to my beliefs. 

It all came down to choosing.. the alter or my husband... and I took the alter down. We go to a Universal church and have been able to respect each other's beliefs since.


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## Scannerguard

I dn't have specific advice other than to relay an amazing story.

Another guy in my wedding story - he was a pretty strong Jew and he married a pretty strong Christian. 

Long story short - he converted to Messianic Judiasm and so did she.

It's an interesting religion and one based on a lot of historical fact. The fact is that Jesus was a jew and that he celebrated the jewish holidays. Well, when Christianity took hold. . .the Catholic Church had to be "different" - we don't celebrate "passover", we celebrate "lent and easter". . .we don't celebrate Channakah. . .we celebrate Christmas. We don't worship on Saturday - we worship on Sunday. Most Christian holidays are "reactionary" that way.

And so on. . .in order to delineate the difference between jews and christians.

Anyway, the Catholic traditions aren't really based in scripture or the tradition of what and how Jesus lived.

So my understanding (and this is how they explained it to me) is Messianic Jews beleive that Christ is the messiah (and my friend converted and accepted him as his savior - big step for a Jew) but they now celebrate all Jewish holidays vs. Christian ones, a big step for her (giving him his sense of Jewish tradition and continuity).

Again, the point of me sharign this true story is to not have a discussion on religious doctrine (this is scripture or not! that's a deadend discussion) but how a couple compromised and found a church that *served them as a couple, that served their marriage *vs. the other way around.

I have a lot of admiration for them as a couple in this regard.

I mean, holy bajeezus - you tithe 10% of your income to a chruch. . .*I *expect Service. . .not the other way around. I am not enslaving my family to any set of religious doctrine and 10% of my family's income and going to sacrifice my mate for it. Gapeesh? That's my philosophy anyway.

To me, if a Church isn't serving me (and all of them don't), I pull a Donald Trump - "You're fired!"

Maybe there is room for compromise there.


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## cb45

Mae,

u dont sound very christian to me if u: a)NOW give an ultimatum
b) refuse his backed down reply "...check it out" (what christian
doesnt try???) even tho' it may be false or fizzle out. c) and 
heres the kicker u marr'd unbeliever in 1st place where if u 
knew yer bible u'd heed the warning bout not being yoked w/
unbelievers.

i get the feeling that theres alot u left out that maybe we'd 
see more in favor on his behalf, pert to yer sincerity of 
beliefs. u gave clues, but wont mention 'em now.


true peace----------------------------------------cb45


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## Meriter

mae said:


> Unfortunately quite a few people here are critical so I'd rather not say.


Isn't that something like denying your creator by being ashamed to say your religion?
Was it Peter who did that? It's been a while ...
Anyway, I was raised Lutheran, but no longer believe any of that nonsense. I have to say though
that if your hubby knew about this before you were married, then he shouldn't try to change u now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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