# Advice please- should I help WW with medical situation



## maxter (May 24, 2011)

Two big events coming up in Sept.

First my W gets yearly colonoscopies due to a family history of colon cancer. Her next appt is Sept 2nd. I took the day off work a long time ago anticipating taking her to and from the procedure. But since the huge betrayal two weekends ago (W took kids on overnight trip, got hotel suite, screwed OM all night). I have no desire to help her. But on the other hand, I still love her and hate to abandon her in this critical time of need.

Second, our 12th Wedding anniv is Sept 4th. Again I have no desire to do ANYTHING on that day. She hasn't said anything about it yet. I guess I'll just let it pass and do nothing unless she brings it up. Life really sucks sometimes!

Any suggestions or advise what to do?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Is she still contacting the OM?

If the answer is yes then prevent the "cake eating" and stay as far away as you can from her until she can commit and confirm her loyality. He's (the OM ) her problem now! 

If the answer is no then support her.


Cake eating = have a husband for stability and security, and also have an OM for sex and excitement.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

First how are you getting on? Do you have support? How are the kids. Please tell me that the kids did not actually go to the hotel room with your wife. 

It is good of you to consider supporting her at this time. However, if she is still seeing other man and/or she has made no moves to make amends for her betrayal then you should maintain no contact. 
Let her feel what it like to be without your support. Definitely no celebration or acknowledgment of the anniversary.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

The way I see it, you're under no obligation to do anything. So, it boils down to what you will be able to live with. If things have been so toxic that it would not lay heavy on your conscience to stay away- so be it. If things aren't yet at that point, take the high road. Its usually better for your soul.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya they did, he mentioned it in his thread.


There is alot to said about taking the high road, so if she's still sleeping around then distancing him self from her will at least give him some sort of respect by refusing to be her doormat.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

He already took the high road, he did not take the kids away from her and report her to child protective services for endangering their welfare. Enough is enough. This man has shown great restraint and to now be considering giving her support is beyond tolerating. Let her feel the consequences of her actions like everyone else in the world. That would be much more helpful for her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

You guys are right. I hardly ever read the history fom posters- just go by what is presented at the moment. Children being involved in this s$&/ is unacceptable. Do what is best for you and your children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> He already took the high road, he did not take the kids away from her and report her to child protective services for endangering their welfare. Enough is enough. This man has shown great restraint and to now be considering giving her support is beyond tolerating. Let her feel the consequences of her actions like everyone else in the world. That would be much more helpful for her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## maxter (May 24, 2011)

Thank you all for your fantastic support and understanding. Yesterday was extremely painful. I kept having these mind movies of them together in the hotel and images of my sleeping angel girls in the next room. I was sick to my stomach all day yesterday. Even broke down and cried in the afternoon after reading a post by AFEH that really hit home.

Yes, I have taken the high road for too long. And as Catherine 602 said, I've shown her great restraint up to now. I have some kind of codependancy thing going, because despite the awful pain and anguish she's put me through, and after the overnight thing involving my kids, I still feel for her and want to help her in some way even if it's only taking her to an appointment.

Sometimes I feel deep pity for her because I see how conflicted her thoughts are and how distorted her reasoning is. Most of the time she really can't see that what she's doing is so destructive to her, me, and our family. God how I wish I could have gotten through to her.

OK, I think I'm going to tell her she needs to find another ride to this procedure. I understand the point I'm making by doing that, but by doing so she will be competely insensed and enraged by it. Which makes things much harder on the negotiation side of D.


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## sam83 (Jul 23, 2011)

twindad said:


> Thank you all for your fantastic support and understanding. Yesterday was extremely painful. I kept having these mind movies of them together in the hotel and images of my sleeping angel girls in the next room. I was sick to my stomach all day yesterday. Even broke down and cried in the afternoon after reading a post by AFEH that really hit home.
> 
> Yes, I have taken the high road for too long. And as Catherine 602 said, I've shown her great restraint up to now. I have some kind of codependancy thing going, because despite the awful pain and anguish she's put me through, and after the overnight thing involving my kids, I still feel for her and want to help her in some way even if it's only taking her to an appointment.
> 
> ...


about D negotiation when It comes to custody you should tell about her overnight with kids and all of her other problems for the best of your girls sake

Don't take her to the appointment and absolutely plan nothing to the anny. you re not together anymore and she should know how stupid was her actions and giving her good anny. day is not the best way I think


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Twin:

I wouldn't take her to the hospital and I wouldn't do anything for your anniversary. Be firm.

She is still actively in an A, and just a week ago had your daughters in the hotel room next to her while she 
f-cked OM.

No way, man.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Hospitals and clinics offer rides for those who want them. If she can't cope with making those arrangements for a routine appt then well she can reschedule it for when she can get a ride from a friend or a ride service.

For anniversary, send a rain check for if and when she resolves her issues. This shows that you remembered but under the circumstances are not feeling anything other than what you feel. Which is to remember but not to want to do anything, other than for yourself. You should plan a day or evening for yourself, you can eat your favorite food and treat yourself the way you'd want your spouse to treat you and work on making your bucket list and doing some constructive day dreaming. 

Let me mention something about my weekend.
On Friday I attended a showing of 13 Assassins. Samurai movie set in time prior to Meiji period. Then on Sunday I went to a reenactment of a battle of the French and Indian War. All things considered, relatively around the same time period, give or take a 'few', but same 'era'. The differences in battle techniques were enormous. Why? Philosophy of a warrior comes from within. I'm not sure what it has to do with your situation but don't go out on the battle field in your kilt with bagpipeslooking like a hero thinking it will lead to something awesome. If you are of a Samurai mindset, then prepare yourself mentally and physically and use restraint and patience and engage constructively rather than out of habit. But it seems you know this already from your post. Stay centered and balanced. If you start feeling like something will throw you off balance, figure out a way to center yourself. This means changing habits or changing the way you perceive or experience yourself. Not all pain is bad.


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## maxter (May 24, 2011)

I sent my W an email stating:
You will need to make other arrangements for your appointment Friday, Sept, 2nd. I will not be able to take you or pick you up.

To which she responded:
I have already tried....I have no one. I will have to cancel it.

Then ten minutes later she responded:
Please reconsider, I have no family close by to help and this is for my health.

I replied:
Call the clinic and ask about transportation services. Some provide rides to and from.

She does have someone- her OM! He won't help her, but she doesn't think that's a problem. My not helping her is me being vindictive and trying to 'get her back'.


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

twindad said:


> I sent my W an email stating:
> You will need to make other arrangements for your appointment Friday, Sept, 2nd. I will not be able to take you or pick you up.
> 
> To which she responded:
> ...


the clinics usually don't provide transpo, gotta find it yourself. and the driver has to wait in the lobby for the duration of the procedure and is not allowed to leave. 
Looks like she's screwed


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

She has 10 days left to find a ride.

Worst case is she can use a taxi.

She does have her OM, the responsibility is more his than yours.

For her colonoscopy, getting to the clinic/hospital is not the concern. Rather it is afterwards, the clinic want to make sure she doesnt drive; she'll still be a little groggy. I dont see why the clinic cant call a taxi for her.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

As for the anniversary, the marriage is over. What's there to celebrate? Maybe you should serve her the divorce that day? It will mark the transition.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Wish her the best of luck with her future endeavors. Her transporation isn't your problem.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

For your anniversary, get your wife some Skittles.
Be A Skittles Man « Chateau Heartiste


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Well, if she can't take care of her basic needs without a husband, maybe she will get more serious about keeping the one she has. A grown woman who has no friends or logistics capacity to handle an appt she has had a whole year to plan for and is not a surprise on the calendar, has issues. But, you already knew that. And just how is she going to manage for the kids that day? 

In our area, transportation services for medical appts are readily available. It seems some parts of the country are more socially minded than others, which treat hospitalsand their related clinics like restaurants rather than a necessity.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm curious as to why the OM is not concerned with her health? It was your W choice to be with OM, so again it is his problem now.

No matter how she feels about why you won't take her, the bottom line is she has someone else that *she* choose and IMO the man she has choosen should have the responseablity to look after his new girl friend (your wife).

It would be interesting to contact the OM and inquirer about his lack of caring for your future ex W...

This conflick should all be pinned on him he has started a new relationship and is not doing the work he should be in help your future ex wife.

So were is mr. wonderful when it matters? Yes, this is vandictive to rub this in your wifes face, but lets face it she isn't being exactly...... good either.

Your responsablity as a husband and friend or over, make no mistake she is not your friend any more. Friends don't betray friends.

This issue should be an eye opener for her, Stand your ground, let her reschedule and see if the POS will help her then. My thinking is the resentment might build with the OM not helping her between the canceled appointment and the new one. Hopefully putting more pressure on there affair.

Who know what could happen between the next appointment.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

the guy said:


> I'm curious as to why the OM is not concerned with her health? It was your W choice to be with OM, so again it is his problem now.
> 
> No matter how she feels about why you won't take her, the bottom line is she has someone else that *she* choose and IMO the man she has choosen should have the responseablity to look after his new girl friend (your wife).
> 
> ...


I think I read on same topic different thread that after he spet nice weekend with her in hotel with kids next door, he ditched her for a date with someone else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> For your anniversary, get your wife some Skittles.
> Be A Skittles Man « Chateau Heartiste


:lol: This


Let her talk the World Champion she went on a hook-up with into taking her.


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## maxter (May 24, 2011)

Thank you all for your fantastic support. It feels good to have you all reinforce my position so strongly. I tell you, I'm feeling really $hitty about this, but this is the life she chose instead of a loving husband who's shown her nothing but respect and commitment over the last 3 1/2yrs- WHILE SHE'S HAVING AN AFFAIR!

We've been trading emails today. Her head is spinning. I gave her options for transportation (sister or close female friend). She says they are not available on short notice.

I selected an attorney and gave her the information. She asked me if that meant we couldn't talk more and work this out ourselves. That just floors me. Talk is cheap and hers is all lies anyway. Then she asks me if I filed. I was honest and said no not today, that I simply retained his services and would be filing later this week. I suggested she get a lawyer. She says she can't afford one and was declined for legal aid. So I told her to make an appt with one and I'll pay. Whether I pay up front or she uses a credit card to charge it, I'll have to pay for it in the divorce settlement anyway. Also, I want her to be informed about her rights and entitlements so we can rationally discuss our options. Right now she's clueless and thinks she will get more than the law technically allows for.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

twindad said:


> I selected an attorney and gave her the information. She asked me if that meant we couldn't talk more and work this out ourselves. That just floors me. Talk is cheap and hers is all lies anyway. Then she asks me if I filed. I was honest and said no not today, that I simply retained his services and would be filing later this week. I suggested she get a lawyer. *She says she can't afford one and was declined for legal aid. So I told her to make an appt with one and I'll pay. Whether I pay up front or she uses a credit card to charge it, I'll have to pay for it in the divorce settlement anyway*. Also, I want her to be informed about her rights and entitlements so we can rationally discuss our options. Right now she's clueless and thinks she will get more than the law technically allows for.


Twindad, you are a nice guy. Too bad she didnt value it during the marriage.


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## maxter (May 24, 2011)

aug said:


> Twindad, you are a nice guy. Too bad she didnt value it during the marriage.


Thanks aug! But nice guys finish last, right? I feel that way when I'm drowning in sorrow about the death of our marriage. But today, seeing her scrambling, I feel empowered for once. For once in many years, I'm in control of me and my destiny instead of her dictating where my life goes.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I am glad you told her you won't be providing transporation. Stick to that. Tell her to call a taxi. 



aug said:


> As for the anniversary, the marriage is over. What's there to celebrate?


Ding ding ding!



the guy said:


> I'm curious as to why the OM is not concerned with her health?


Um, isn't it obvious? He more than likely just sees her as an easy piece of a$$. Colonoscopy procedures don't usually fit into the fantasy of an affair. 



twindad said:


> So I told her to make an appt with one and I'll pay.


ABSOLUTELY NOT. Are you friggin kidding me, Twin? Rescind your offer, STAT! For all you know, she never even called legal aid. If you go forth with this, I will pelt jellybeans at your forehead. Nooo!

Every time she asks you if you "want to talk about things/want to work things out" keep reminding her how she was just in bed with OM last weekend and how you know she's still actively having an affair. Tell her NO way!


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

I just got caught up on your situation by reading some of your other threads. You are still paying for the colonoscopy right? Even if it is through your insurance, you are still covering the costs. As far as the ride, I agree with the previous posters that she needs to work that out. 
I love that you treat your children's mother with respect. I think that covering the medical costs and being respectful to her should be seen as taking care of the children (because you are taking care of their mother). Her getting a ride is up to her, and does not affect the children, and consequently is up to her, not you.
Maintaining respect (though she doesn't care to) for their mother is going to make a huge difference when the two of you eventually split up. The kids will also notice. Kids are smart. They can often recognize when one parent is trashing the other, and when one is being respectful.


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## maxter (May 24, 2011)

JB-
Believe me I understand where you're coming from. But my position is she needs to understand where she stands legally. Otherwise, we will go 'round' in circles about the legalities of D because she doesn't understand it. She has fantasy ideas about what spouses are entitled to get from divorce. That doesn't help either one of us to resolve the issues at hand like separation of assets and custody. As much as I don't want to, I need her as a 'business partner' to work through this. I don't want any legal battles that would drag this out longer than it has to. I look at it this way- it's money well spent up front rather than later in court battles.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

twindad said:


> JB-
> Believe me I understand where you're coming from. But my position is she needs to understand where she stands legally. Otherwise, we will go 'round' in circles about the legalities of D because she doesn't understand it. She has fantasy ideas about what spouses are entitled to get from divorce. That doesn't help either one of us to resolve the issues at hand like separation of assets and custody.


That is what judges are for. When the judge writes an order that says, "You get $X dollars from twindad, she will understand what that means." Why would you want to provide a way for her to get $2X dollars from you?



twindad said:


> As much as I don't want to, I need her as a 'business partner' to work through this. I don't want any legal battles that would drag this out longer than it has to. I look at it this way- it's money well spent up front rather than later in court battles.


If you want it over quickly, then get into court quickly. If she has no lawyer, that will move things along much more quickly than if she has her lawyer fighting with yours. If you want a partner, then stay married. If you want an ex-wife, then buckle up and get ready to fight for what you deserve.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Stop telegraphing your intentions about filing for divorce.

She'll file first despite whining to you about her situation.

So what if she has no ride. It's not exactly an emergency to get that procedure done.

I've had one. She can get a ride from someone else.

Too bad for her.

File for divorce. She's using you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

michzz said:


> Stop telegraphing your intentions about filing for divorce.
> 
> She'll file first despite whining to you about her situation.
> 
> ...


Don't pay her lawyer. Don't solve her problems. Don't offer suggestions for rides. Learn these words: NOT MY PROBLEM! She'll get it quicker. She can figure out how to pay her lawyer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

twindad said:


> JB-
> Believe me I understand where you're coming from. But my position is she needs to understand where she stands legally. Otherwise, we will go 'round' in circles about the legalities of D because she doesn't understand it. She has fantasy ideas about what spouses are entitled to get from divorce. That doesn't help either one of us to resolve the issues at hand like separation of assets and custody. As much as I don't want to, I need her as a 'business partner' to work through this. I don't want any legal battles that would drag this out longer than it has to. I look at it this way- it's money well spent up front rather than later in court battles.


It seems like you are really thinking these things out. It also seems like you are not vindictive or hateful towards your wife. Divorce has a way of making people become someone they are not and doing things that they often regret. Twindad, keep up this attitude. I personally like the way you are handling things. Even though she is not living up to her end of the bargain, you are living up to yours.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Um, isn't it obvious? He more than likely just sees her as an easy piece of a$$. Colonoscopy procedures don't usually fit into the fantasy of an affair.


Didn't the OM give her a colonoscopy last weekend?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

morituri said:


> Didn't the OM give her a colonoscopy last weekend?


ouch!


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

If he is paying for her lawyer, he gets to control her lawyer. :lol:


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## maxter (May 24, 2011)

Last night after we went to bed, I was just laying there quietly and after about 10 minutes, she again asks me to reconsider taking her to the appointment. She stated the same reasons as yesterday. I calmly reiterated my position from yesterday. That she is now on her own and if she wanted a supporting husband she should have worked harder to keep me. Silence for several minutes. Then she says to me "Ya know, it's easy for you to get help since you have someone close by (my parents). I didn't respond to that and we fell asleep. Well actually she did and it took awhile for me to with thoughts racing through my head.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

She is in denial that her egregious behavior carries no consequences.

BTW the two of you sleeping on the same bed only reinforces her sense of entitlement as your 'wife'.


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## maxter (May 24, 2011)

morituri said:


> She is in denial that her egregious behavior carries no consequences.
> 
> BTW the two of you sleeping on the same bed only reinforces her sense of entitlement as your 'wife'.


You're correct about the denial part of it.

Sleeping in the same bed has been really difficult the last few weeks since the major incident involving my girls. We just don't have accomodations for me to sleep somewhere else. I know, she should be kicked out, but that never works. It just creates an adversarial atmosphere which leads to tension and verbal fights. And I refuse to sleep on the floor since she's the adulterer. Finally it's probably best our kids don't see this nonsense until it is actually time for me to move out and we sit down to discuss everything with them.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

twindad said:


> Sleeping in the same bed has been really difficult the last few weeks since the major incident involving my girls. We just don't have accomodations for me to sleep somewhere else. I know, she should be kicked out, but that never works. It just creates an adversarial atmosphere which leads to tension and verbal fights. And I refuse to sleep on the floor since she's the adulterer. Finally it's probably best our kids don't see this nonsense until it is actually time for me to move out and we sit down to discuss everything with them.


I don't think your wife is the only one in denial. You're sleeping in the same bed with her, offering to pay for her divorce lawyer, and stating that you don't want any tension.

If you don't want tension, then just drive her to the doctor and call off the divorce. Your children will live in blissful ignorance of their mother's disgraceful behavior and your wife will absolutely appreciate you taking care of things while she's getting her groove on.

If you want to stand up for yourself, well that will require tension. Is it a given that you should move out after/during the divorce? Should you consider making your wife deal with consequences more severe than calling a taxi for her doctor's appointment?

Good luck.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

PHTlump said:


> I don't think your wife is the only one in denial. You're sleeping in the same bed with her, offering to pay for her divorce lawyer, and stating that you don't want any tension.
> 
> If you don't want tension, then just drive her to the doctor and call off the divorce. Your children will live in blissful ignorance of their mother's disgraceful behavior and your wife will absolutely appreciate you taking care of things while she's getting her groove on.
> 
> ...


I have to say I agree. You're problem solving with her like a team. It's not about a ride and she knows the second you cave she's home free. How the F did she ever make it back in the bed after her weekend? How about when she tried to go to bed you tell her she's sleeping on the sofa because her adulterer ass isn't sleeping in your marital bed. I really doubt you're going through with anything. You're hoping yourstrong stand will shake her up and she knows if she waits you out, you'll blow but all will be fine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

No disrespect intended but if I were you I would rather sleep on the floor with my dignity intact than on the same bed with my enemy and with shame for doing so.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I sleep in the same bed out of beligerence. Half the money I pay for bills at that house for now is going towards paying for it too, and it was purchased in the middle of "us attempting to work things out". So if she wants the couch, she can have it!


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

If I were pissed at my H, I would probably enjoy seeing him lay on the floor. On the other hand, I would be irritated if I was angry and he still slept next to me. I think you should stay right where you are. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## maxter (May 24, 2011)

Thanks shoo & whereami. That's kind of where I'm coming from. A position of defiance and beligerance. As you stated, I pay more than half the bills and intend to sleep in my own bed. Just sucks it's next to her. And as I continue with D, she will be incensed that I still lay there when she is so freaking angy with me for filing.

In our situation there is nothing positive to come from me attempting to kick her out of the bed or force her out of the bedroom. I'm not avoiding tension so much as avoiding getting into a physical confrontation. I mean really, what can I do to keep her out besides my asking her? Lock the door- she can unlock it. Try to block her from entering? Then things get physical which cannot be allowed to happen.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

twindad said:


> Thanks shoo & whereami. That's kind of where I'm coming from. A position of defiance and beligerance. As you stated, I pay more than half the bills and intend to sleep in my own bed. Just sucks it's next to her. And as I continue with D, she will be incensed that I still lay there when she is so freaking angry with me for filing.
> 
> In our situation there is nothing positive to come from me attempting to kick her out of the bed or force her out of the bedroom. I'm not avoiding tension so much as avoiding getting into a physical confrontation. I mean really, what can I do to keep her out besides my asking her? Lock the door- she can unlock it. Try to block her from entering? Then things get physical which cannot be allowed to happen.


And besides--the only thing worse than anger is indifference. If you lay there and sleep while she stews....at least it's a tiny moral victory, lol.

And can I make a suggestion on the lawyer thing? What about agreeing to only paying the _retainer_ for a lawyer for her? That should cover the basics for consultation, a response to your filing, etc. Then if she feels the need to try to escalate things into a drawn out battle for everything that she "deserves" in her little world, she can find a way to finance that. Then you're both covered, you've done the decent thing and you're not potentially paying for the pleasure of being taken to the wall, as it were.

Just a thought....


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## maxter (May 24, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> And besides--the only thing worse than anger is indifference. If you lay there and sleep while she stews....at least it's a tiny moral victory, lol.
> 
> And can I make a suggestion on the lawyer thing? *What about agreeing to only paying the retainer for a lawyer for her? That should cover the basics for consultation, a response to your filing, etc.* Then if she feels the need to try to escalate things into a drawn out battle for everything that she "deserves" in her little world, she can find a way to finance that. Then you're both covered, you've done the decent thing and you're not potentially paying for the pleasure of being taken to the wall, as it were.
> 
> Just a thought....


That's exactly what I was proposing to her. I only offered to pay for the initial consultation- not the whole thing. Maybe that didn't come across right in my earlier post.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> Don't pay her lawyer. Don't solve her problems. Don't offer suggestions for rides. Learn these words: NOT MY PROBLEM! She'll get it quicker. She can figure out how to pay her lawyer.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not only that but him paying for her lawyer can be seen as a "conflict of interest" legally. I wouldn't be sleeping in the same bed as her either. She sounds totally entitled making these requests to you and acting like life is normal while she's still very much sleeping with another man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

If there is a conflict of interest, you can get over it by sending her lawyer the cheque and disclosing it directly (in writing). If her lawyer determine there is a conflict he/she will not accept your cheque. 

Better yet, get your lawyer to send it to her lawyer. This way all parties know. But your lawyer may advise against it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why on earth would you help pay for her divorcing you and destroying your marriage on top of whata judge is going to award her anyway????
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

twindad said:


> In our situation there is nothing positive to come from me attempting to kick her out of the bed or force her out of the bedroom. I'm not avoiding tension so much as avoiding getting into a physical confrontation. I mean really, what can I do to keep her out besides my asking her? Lock the door- she can unlock it. Try to block her from entering? Then things get physical which cannot be allowed to happen.


You can state plainly that, give the fact that you're divorcing because of her behavior, you don't think it's appropriate for her to sleep with you. You don't have to make a big deal out of it, but tell her that she'll need to find her own place soon anyway, so why not now?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

twindad said:


> That's exactly what I was proposing to her. I only offered to pay for the initial consultation- not the whole thing. Maybe that didn't come across right in my earlier post.


OK fine. So you're only willing to buy her the gun. But, she has to pay for her own bullets. That still doesn't make any sense. :scratchhead:


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Tell her: "Since the OM was so eager to destroy our marriage, then he must be ESPECIALLY eager to see you get divorced. I'm sure that he will be VERY HAPPY to pay."


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

PHTlump said:


> OK fine. So you're only willing to buy her the gun. But, she has to pay for her own bullets. That still doesn't make any sense. :scratchhead:


If the purpose is for her to realize that 'whoa - this is what life is like without twindad as my partner', then let her sell something for her legal fees. Let her get a loan. Let her ask OM. I've seen some scary friggen outcomes in family court (where people should have had it in the bag) and boom - screwed. She might get sole custody based on your history, child support and alimony. 
Why help her screw you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nada (Aug 20, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> You can state plainly that, give the fact that you're divorcing because of her behavior, you don't think it's appropriate for her to sleep with you. You don't have to make a big deal out of it, but tell her that she'll need to find her own place soon anyway, so why not now?


Or, you can let her sleep in the same bed, but ignore her completely - no touching, turn you back against her, no "good night dear" - FREEZE HER OUT. That may be a stronger signal than you asking her to leave the bedroom, but perhaps we should get a female opinion on this?

Rdgs
Nada


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## maxter (May 24, 2011)

nada said:


> Or, you can let her sleep in the same bed, but ignore her completely - no touching, turn you back against her, no "good night dear" - FREEZE HER OUT. That may be a stronger signal than you asking her to leave the bedroom, but perhaps we should get a female opinion on this?
> 
> Rdgs
> Nada


OMG! There is absolutely no touching, no hugging, no kisses, no good nights, no good byes going on here anymore. I stay as close to my edge of the bed as possible with my back turned toward her.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well at least try to snore loudly


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

morituri said:


> Didn't the OM give her a colonoscopy last weekend?



:rofl::lol: Awesome!


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## maxter (May 24, 2011)

She told me last night that I have an agenda and it's to punish her (and our girls) by doing things like not taking her to the doctor appointment. Geesh! I just restated my position. I'm not responsible for her anymore. Plain and simple.


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## meatloaf (Aug 24, 2011)

why bother to help. she does not care about you by cheating and you must punish her by not giving any help. do not be sympathy for her. this is not cruel i think but a lesson.

btw, i ask you, will you be sad if she is dying one day?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Here is the theme. Shis woman is all about HER. "you're punishing ME", "I need to get to MY appt", "please reconsider giving ME a ride". Such a selfish woman. 

This is the type of woman I would enjoy saying this to, every time she even tried to plead with me about anything, "You f*cked another man while your daughters were in the other room. So, nope, to whatever it is you are about to ask of me."

If I were you, I would actually fight for full custody of my kids. If she was okay having sex outside the marriage in the same hotel suite as her kids (what a sick human being), what else might she do? Leave them alone in the house for "just a few minutes", while she has trysts with him in the car, or "just an hour" while she bangs him at his place? Or heck, what if he comes to your place and your daughter walks in on them when asking mommy for a drink of water late at night? 

No way I trust her with my children at this point. Sorry if that is hard imagery, but when children are compromised, whether physically or emotionally, I have no wiggle room, no softness in my stance.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

twindad said:


> She told me last night that I have an agenda and it's to punish her (and our girls) by doing things like not taking her to the doctor appointment. Geesh! I just restated my position. I'm not responsible for her anymore. Plain and simple.


Is this chick for real? Jeez.....


Tell her your main agenda is to not get an STD from her.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

twindad said:


> She told me last night that I have an agenda and it's to punish her (and our girls) by doing things like not taking her to the doctor appointment. Geesh! I just restated my position. I'm not responsible for her anymore. Plain and simple.


You are divorcing her. She's involved with another man. 

Let her take a taxi or get the OM to drive her.

I agree, she is not your responsibility anymore.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

twindad said:


> She told me last night that I have an agenda and it's to punish her (and our girls) by doing things like not taking her to the doctor appointment. Geesh! I just restated my position. I'm not responsible for her anymore. Plain and simple.


Yes you do have an agenda, but it is not to punish her. To me it seems that your agenda is to make sure your girls are taken care of and to get through this situation with as little repercussions as possible.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

twindad said:


> She told me last night that I have an agenda and it's to punish her (and our girls) by doing things like not taking her to the doctor appointment. Geesh! I just restated my position. I'm not responsible for her anymore. Plain and simple.


What a loon. I like how she threw in your girls into the conversation about getting a ride for her procedure.

Your response was perfect. And if she starts again you can tell her "I am not punishing our daughters. They have nothing to do with your colonoscopy. We are divorcing. You are having an affair. Find your own ride."


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## maxter (May 24, 2011)

UPDATE-
Well, she got a ride. I don't know who and didn't even ask. She simply emailed me yesterday to ask me to get the girls up and to school friday because of her procedure. It's scheduled for 8:30am. Maybe I'll bump into this person when they pick her up in the morning? Anyway, she finally figured out a solution for herself.


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## maxter (May 24, 2011)

W's colonoscopy will be starting at 8:30 this morning. I don't know who came to pick her up. It was a woman. I don't recognize the car. Maybe someone she works with or one of her POKENO buddies.

Before she left the house she came in the bedroom and says to me "I never meant to hurt you. If anything happens to me today from being put under, take care of the girls and give them lots of love." I just rolled over in bed putting my back towards her and said "They will be taken care of very well." Then she left.

She sounds like a 10 year old when she says I never 'meant' to hurt you. UHG! Like my daughter when she says I didn't mean to punch my sister. Gimme a break!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Talk about the ultimate, half-assed attempt at a guilt-trip!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Here's some info regarding colonoscopy risks



> *How Often Do Colonoscopy Risks Become Colonoscopy Complications?*
> 
> Rarely, but what does that mean exactly? If you're like me, you prefer actual numbers. A study published in the Annals of Internal Medicine provided some.
> 
> ...


Unfortunately - facetiously speaking - her odds of coming back alive after the procedure are extremely good.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

at least she didn't "apologize' during her prep!


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## maxter (May 24, 2011)

Morituri- you were right. She did make it back from the procedure. At lunchtime she was resting/sleeping in bed. I didn't go in and she didn't come out. I wonder how she felt coming out of the anesthesia and being all alone with no loving husband at her side to hold her hand or give her a sip of water? Waywards really don't realize how much of their lives they throw away just to satisfy their own selfish needs.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I wonder if, deep down, she was hoping that something would have happened?

THAT woulda showed 'ya!


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## maxter (May 24, 2011)

F-102 said:


> I wonder if, deep down, she was hoping that something would have happened?
> 
> THAT woulda showed 'ya!


Probably and maybe not so deep down. Mentally that's how she thinks. That way she would have something 'big' to hang over my head to screw with me emotionally.


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