# Brother issues again...



## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

I have shared before about my strained but polite relationship I have with my older brother. Very briefly; he is an alcoholic, he is bankrupt, had his house repossessed (all down to sheer stupidity - like buying a house he couldn't afford to compete with me, not paying the mortgage but going on crazy spending and gambling sprees), left his daughter with his ex who he knew is an alcoholic with mental health issues. His daughter is on the 'at risk' register because of sexual abuse from her mother's husband, physical abuse and neglect from her mother. Social workers asked him to have custody of her but he claimed he cannot have her because he works full time. She is a teenager with a lot of issues which social worker's describe as 'disturbed', his wife does not like her being in the house other than sleeping. So...when his daughter visits (once a fortnight) I look after her; take her shopping, talk to her, help her with homework, provide her with things she needs (toiletries etc), we even take her on family day trips. I do this because I love her and can see past her behavioural issues, but also because I recognise that all she wants is to spend some time with her dad, if it wasn't for me she wouldn't visit at all. Whilst I am looking after her he is blind drunk in the pub (also has a history of drink driving whilst niece is in the car). 

Spent yesterday shopping and chatty lunch with her. She got a text from her dad saying if she didn't come home in the next half hour he was going to the pub without her (taking her to the pub is the ONLY time they spend together). When I asked him what the rush was he said that he NEEDED to get 2 pints in before a family gathering later in the day. So she was anxious as I drove her home that he had gone without her. 

I then found out that he had driven to the family gathering with niece in the car after 2 pints (which he has been told not to do and niece assured me he was getting a taxi). He also brought a 'friend' to the family gathering who is basically the village park bench drunk who is described as his 'drinking partner'. As the family gathering progressed he became drunker and drunker and then made a very cruel joke regarding my disabled son. . 

Now I am used to his put-downs, he habitually criticizes me, my home, my husband, my weight, my car...pretty much anything he can find fault with. And I have learned to ignore it for the sake of my niece (without trying to sound like a hero - I am the only stable person in her life). But as soon as he started making fun of my son the lioness in me came rushing to the surface.

I didn't say anything there and then because I didn't want to spoil the family gathering. Instead I waited until the morning when he had sobered up and wrote a polite but assertive email explaining why the things he had said was very offensive and that he needs to not drink if he is planning on driving anywhere, particularly with a child in the car.

He replied really quickly

"I'm not going to apologise. I wouldn't do anything like that in a million, zillion years, I should be the one offended that you think so little of me. It's legal to drive after 2 pints!!."

Although it felt good to speak up about his behaviour, i can also see that it is a complete waste of time and energy.

I think I am posting to get it off my chest....sorry for the long rant.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@peacem, I'm sorry to hear about the troubles with your brother.

Try to remember that when drunk, our inhibitions lower, and we become 100% unfiltered in our thoughts. Also try to remember that people who belittle and insult others do so because they are extremely insecure. While that's probably little consolation and what he did was totally unacceptable, unloving, and downright arseholish IMO, he's about as strong as an ant compared to your resolve.

You can't control his drinking. Time "down the pub" is not quality time. If he can't spend time with his daughter whilst sober, then she'll never get to know who he is without the influence of alcohol. And that's just sad, for the both of them.

Next time, don't scramble to do his bidding. If it's important enough to him, he can get his act together to make the proper arrangements.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

They also insult and ridicule those who are stronger than themselves. They hate your resolve, your drive and willpower. They are jealous of 'that' which they have 'none of'.

By whipping you, they actually whip themselves. 

Your' familiarity [closeness] allows them to vent. If they talked thus...to a stranger, their nose would be flattened.

Hate themselves..at your expense.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You and your niece should join Al-Anon and Al-Ateen to help you both grapple with the roller coaster of having an alcoholic in your life.Your niece would probably benefit greatly from such sessions.
Alcoholics will always let you down and hurt you, never expect anything from an alcoholic except lies, let downs and disappointment. They are incapable of loving anyone except the bottle and that is the harsh truth. They suck loved ones in and make them co-dependent, remove yourself from his drama. Read Co-dependent No More and get into al-anon.


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