# How do Cheaters Rationalize...



## Todi (Aug 5, 2013)

How do cheaters rationalize getting into LTR with other cheaters. Say a woman cheats on her husband with a married man. After the fallout, the two decide to hop into a long term committed relationship, or even marriage. How could either of them possibly trust each other enough to think this would be a good idea.

Do most cheaters just believe that they're the Cat's Meow enough that no one would possibly cheat on them. Regardless of being a part of it 1st hand? It boggled my mind! Any good theories?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Todi said:


> How do cheaters rationalize getting into LTR with other cheaters. Say a woman cheats on her husband with a married man. After the fallout, the two decide to hop into a long term committed relationship, or even marriage. How could either of them possibly trust each other enough to think this would be a good idea.
> 
> Do most cheaters just believe that they're the Cat's Meow enough that no one would possibly cheat on them. Regardless of being a part of it 1st hand? It boggled my mind! Any good theories?


Or do they think they can't do any better than another cheater, or that only another cheater will ever understand them? My ex is with a woman (for the second time) who ended her first marriage after a 5 year affair with another man (not him). I feel like they both "accept" each other's demons because they can relate to them.


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## Aroleid (Sep 20, 2015)

Todi said:


> How do cheaters rationalize getting into LTR with other cheaters. Say a woman cheats on her husband with a married man. After the fallout, the two decide to hop into a long term committed relationship, or even marriage. How could either of them possibly trust each other enough to think this would be a good idea.
> 
> Do most cheaters just believe that they're the Cat's Meow enough that no one would possibly cheat on them. Regardless of being a part of it 1st hand? It boggled my mind! Any good theories?


I know you're looking for answers, but every situation is as unique as their players. All four of them.

Sometimes, things work out, sometimes they don't. 

Sounds like you got terribly hurt, and are now hoping for failure on their end, to ease your pain. Best to focus on your own self, your healing, and moving forward.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Because they're "soulmates".

They're "meant to be together".

"Nothing could ever tear them apart."

Not even a resounding lack of integrity.

Is he still married, by the way?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

They probably do not think of it in the terms you have framed. To them they have met the 'love of their lives' , overcome all obstacles (the ex spouses, family, etc) to be together, so really it is the romance of the century. However, they overlook the very flawed beings they are and when the fog dissipates, well............


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## Todi (Aug 5, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Because they're "soulmates".
> 
> They're "meant to be together".
> 
> ...


Not married. Or you could bet I would be dropping an anonymous message to his STBX!


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

I often wondered about this as well.

I know a couple who have been married 2 years now. I've been friends with the woman for over 20 years. Neither one of them go anywhere without the other. If I invite her for lunch and shopping, he tags a long. It is really weird having him follow us around the mall when we are shopping for girly things..... just saying. 

But I think I know why. They met when they were married to their first spouses and had an affair together. I think they don't trust each other. She forgot that she told me early on she was seeing him before she left her first husband. When I asked her recently if he tagged along because he didn't trust her, she denied. She didn't understand why I thought he would not trust her and when I reminded her what I knew she completely denied that she ever spoke to him before she divorced. Oh yeah, they were coworkers. Unbelievable.

I agree, why get with a cheater for a LTR, they could do the same to you!


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

where_are_we said:


> I often wondered about this as well.
> 
> I know a couple who have been married 2 years now. I've been friends with the woman for over 20 years. Neither one of them go anywhere without the other. If I invite her for lunch and shopping, he tags a long. It is really weird having him follow us around the mall when we are shopping for girly things..... just saying.
> 
> ...


A friend of mine has a similar situation. Both of them blew up marriages so they could be together. They can't do anything separate, she tags along everywhere and in the rare occasion he goes hunting or fishing with "the guys" it only take an hour and she is calling or texting and invariably he has to leave early to run home.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I almost don't won't to answer because facing how misaligned my thought process is on this topic really bothers me. I am a serial wayward spouse so I can't really answer the question from the standpoint of a one time wayward spouse that has deluded themselves into thinking they have found their soulmate.

From my point of view you don't rationalize it at all. You know very well that the person you are cheating with would cheat on you in a heartbeat if you were to leave your spouse for them. It doesn't bother you all that much though because you don't really place fidelity in a relationship as a high priority. You do care about it. Just not as much. To me the words I slept with someone else, and I am in love with someone else have very different meanings.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Todi said:


> How do cheaters rationalize getting into LTR with other cheaters. Say a woman cheats on her husband with a married man. After the fallout, the two decide to hop into a long term committed relationship, or even marriage. How could either of them possibly trust each other enough to think this would be a good idea.
> 
> Do most cheaters just believe that they're the Cat's Meow enough that no one would possibly cheat on them. Regardless of being a part of it 1st hand? It boggled my mind! Any good theories?


Because from an evolutionary perspective cheating and getting away with it yeilds reproductively successful offspring.

Sex is a primary need. So your brain will make up reasons to have sex with someone that you want to have sex with.

We have a whole section of our brain devoted to justifying reasons to get what we want, especially sex. Why? Because babies, that's why.

We have another whole section of our brain designed to protect our self-image by plactating ourselves about it. It never happened, it wasn't that bad, he/she deserved it, I was unhaaaaapy, it was just one time, everybody makes mistakes, etc. Why? Because everybody needs to soothe themselves over making mistakes, otherwise everybody would off themselves -- and not have more babies.

The human mind is actually a spectacularly scary place. And wonderful place. 

Once you have a little understanding of the grey matter, affairs, affair fogs, and trickle truth becomes very simple and rational.

And why I advise blowing affairs the hell up in as dramatic a way as possible -- it disrupts the ego's rationalization engine.

Futher reading:
The Neuroscience of Rationalizing Our Mistakes | Brain World
http://scan.oxfordjournals.org/content/early/2010/07/09/scan.nsq054.full
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

marduk said:


> We have another whole section of our brain designed to protect our self-image by plactating ourselves about it. *It never happened, it wasn't that bad, he/she deserved it, I was unhaaaaapy, it was just one time, everybody makes mistakes, etc. *


Yep. And when the affair is only Online "it wasn't that bad" becomes a mantra. Also, people are afraid of death and not "living to the fullest." The beginning of an affair starts off like brain candy and then becomes toxic. The jolt is particularly good if you're in the mist of a deep depression or having severe difficulties in your marriage. Cheating is never the answer in the long term but _feels_ like a good short term solution...but never is. Affairs are a mess.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Heatherknows said:


> Yep. And when the affair is only Online "it wasn't that bad" becomes a mantra. Also, people are afraid of death and not "living to the fullest." The beginning of an affair starts off like brain candy and then becomes toxic. The jolt is particularly good if you're in the mist of a deep depression or having severe difficulties in your marriage. Cheating is never the answer in the long term but _feels_ like a good short term solution...but never is. Affairs are a mess.


Biologically it's likely similar neuroarchitecture that tells us it will be OK when we smoke when we shouldn't, cheat on our diets and think we're healthy, speed through school zones and think we're great parents...

All kinds of things.

We all bend the rules, and yet we all think we're basically good people.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Todi said:


> After the fallout, the two decide to hop into a long term committed relationship, or even marriage. How could either of them possibly trust each other enough to think this would be a good idea.


Why do c0ckroaches mate with other c0ckroaches? Because they are from the same species or in your example they are cut from the same cloth. Doesn't stop them from eating the other if they needed to survive.

I see no difference...


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

They do not.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I often wondered this myself. At best it's a short term experience because it's only a matter of time before you get caught. Then you are with someone you definitely know cheats themselves so you're in a relationship only good until one cheats on the other. It makes no sense to me.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

I honestly think most cheaters don't think cheating is that big of a deal. Maybe cause its never happened to them or weak morals.

If my situation was reversed (eg I had been the cheater and my ex was the BS) then I'm almost positive my ex wouldn't of left.

She would of been crushed, hurt and all that but it wasn't a "deal breaker" for her just based on conversations I've had.

So does that mean I should of reconciled with her cause she would have done the same with me?

FVCK.... NO!!! I have self respect and I would of lost all respect for her if she took me back. 

I told her point blank thoughout our relationship my moral code dictates cheating is a deal breaker.

That's a big reason I think many cheaters are repeat offenders even after being caught. 

No respect for someone who would let themselves get treated like dirt and put the cheater on a pedestal to boot.

So the cheaters get together cause they lack self respect and figure if the other cheats, it's not "REALLY" a deal breaker anyway.

It would be hypocritical if it was in their minds.... My two cents and frankly pathetic if you ask me.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

NoChoice said:


> They do not.


huh?


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> I almost don't won't to answer because facing how misaligned my thought process is on this topic really bothers me. I am a serial wayward spouse so I can't really answer the question from the standpoint of a one time wayward spouse that has deluded themselves into thinking they have found their soulmate.
> 
> From my point of view you don't rationalize it at all. You know very well that the person you are cheating with would cheat on you in a heartbeat if you were to leave your spouse for them. It doesn't bother you all that much though because you don't really place fidelity in a relationship as a high priority. You do care about it. Just not as much. To me the words I slept with someone else, and I am in love with someone else have very different meanings.


I totally get what you are saying. I can separate love from sex. People who say sex with someone you love is the best makes no sense to me. I have yet to experience that anyways. Some of the best sex I have had has been with people I barely knew but had crazy chemistry with.

As a woman, I am often judged unfairly for this. I have to wonder if it is possible to have it all. 

I took the OP question as a perspective for those who believe in a committed monogamous relationship and I think most of our answers are coming from this perspective. 

But.....I get you.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

My BFF is married to the man she cheated on her husband with. Her current husband was married as well when they started seeing each other. She called me about 5 years ago (she and her now husband have been together 15 years) and told me that she didn't know what to do because she had been sleeping with another married man and his wife found out and threatened to tell her husband. The wife never told her husband. 2 years ago she showed up at my house devastated because she found out her husband was having an affair with a coworker. She fully believes that him cheating was her fault because she had cheated on him first. He then tried to commit suicide and she found him in his 110 degree car after taking about 20 Xanax. They have stayed together. I don't feel that cheaters who end up with the cheatee feel that they are immune to being cheated ON. Given her story and background, I think a lot of cheaters have very low self esteem and while they don't want to be cheated on, they accept they might BE cheated on because they think they deserve it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Todi said:


> How do cheaters rationalize getting into LTR with other cheaters. Say a woman cheats on her husband with a married man. After the fallout, the two decide to hop into a long term committed relationship, or even marriage. How could either of them possibly trust each other enough to think this would be a good idea.
> 
> Do most cheaters just believe that they're the Cat's Meow enough that no one would possibly cheat on them. Regardless of being a part of it 1st hand? It boggled my mind! Any good theories?


Because you are SO in love with them, they are your one true love and you know that things are different between you and them, not like when they were with their horrible ex!

Sometimes things work out, other times you get clipped by the karma bus. And then you have to Suck it all up because you have to take your medicine for having been a POS in the first place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Here's how my ex did it:

Everyone knows our marriage has been over for years.

I wasn't thinking.

I could die tomorrow.

I'm doing you a favor. What if I waited another five years until our son went to college, and you'd be that much older and have that much harder of a time finding someone else?

She makes me feel alive.

You'll be better off without me.

(He got that last one right.)


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

A motto I like is: If they do it with you, they will do it to you!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Simply all in the name of a warped sense of self-entitlement and self-justification!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> She fully believes that him cheating was her fault because she had cheated on him first. He then tried to commit suicide and she found him in his 110 degree car after taking about 20 Xanax.


Drama.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

ReformedHubby said:


> I can't really answer the question from the standpoint of a one time wayward spouse that has deluded themselves into thinking they have found their soulmate.
> 
> From my point of view you don't rationalize it at all. You know very well that the person you are cheating with would cheat on you in a heartbeat if you were to leave your spouse for them. It doesn't bother you all that much though because you don't really place fidelity in a relationship as a high priority.


I was a serial WS, too. I didn't think I was in love or found my soulmate or any of that when I was involved with my AP's. Course, I didn't think I was in love or found my soulmate when I married my ex, either. I'm not even sure I thought romantic love of the lasting variety was even a thing back then.

I wasn't too concerned with monogamy, either. My ex had affairs. My longer term AP's had were usually dating or having ONS. I didn't care. I wasn't fond of my ex (understatement) and I didn't have any reason to be upset with my AP's, either.

When I met my final AP, that all changed. I fell in love. I suddenly cared a whole hell of a lot about monogamy. I suddenly knew the meaning of the words possessive and territorial. Quite a shock to the system. The difference between my relationship with him and with past partners is astounding to me. Meeting him literally changed my life and how I think.

I left my ex, AP and I got married, we raised my then 6 and 1 year old daughters together (ex left state and never paid CS, so DH raised them as his own in every way) and we added a son. Bought a house, got a crossover and a minivan, got a few dogs, and are about to celebrate our 13 year wedding anniversary as well as 16 years as a couple.

I haven't cheated on him and I honestly haven't been tempted to. He's my "the one". I don't think I could find a better match. While no one can ever know for certain, I have no reason to believe he has cheated on me and I've got a suspicious mind by nature.

After sending time on various forums, I'm pretty sure we're the exception to the rule, though.



where_are_we said:


> I totally get what you are saying. I can separate love from sex. People who say sex with someone you love is the best makes no sense to me. I have yet to experience that anyways. Some of the best sex I have had has been with people I barely knew but had crazy chemistry with.
> 
> As a woman, I am often judged unfairly for this. I have to wonder if it is possible to have it all.
> 
> ...


Aww, hon, keep looking! It's out there! You can have it all!

My DH is the love of my life and he's the best sex I've ever had, hands down.

While you're looking, keep in mind that men can be taught. If the raw material is there, train him!



honcho said:


> A friend of mine has a similar situation. Both of them blew up marriages so they could be together. They can't do anything separate, she tags along everywhere and in the rare occasion he goes hunting or fishing with "the guys" it only take an hour and she is calling or texting and invariably he has to leave early to run home.


When DH and I met, I was married and he was in an off and on, semi-monogamous dating relationship. I blew up my marriage, he ended things with his GF. We pretty much spend most of our time together.

For us, spending almost all of our time together isn't a trust thing. We're kind of hermits. We just simply don't like very many people and a lot of the ones we do like have long since left state for better economies and only return once or twice a year. We each have a couple friends we talk to and hang out with occasionally, but we tend to prefer each others company.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

Lostme said:


> A motto I like is: If they do it with you, they will do it to you!


For the most part that is true but history doesn't always have to repeat itself. People can change if it's important to them. Smokers become non-smokers all the time.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Rationalization is one way the cognitive dissonance between somewhat arbitrary social indoctrination and largely natural biological urges is reconciled. Essentially, it's a guilt-reduction mechanism.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

lostme said:


> a motto i like is: If they do it with you, they will do it to you!


amen !!!!!!!!


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

LosingHim said:


> I think a lot of cheaters have very low self esteem and while they don't want to be cheated on, they accept they might BE cheated on because they think they deserve it.


A lot of truth to this in my opinion.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> Rationalization is one way the cognitive dissonance between somewhat arbitrary social indoctrination and largely natural biological urges is reconciled. Essentially, it's a guilt-reduction mechanism.


This implies monogamy doesn't exist in nature. Many animals besides humans are monogamous and mate for life. Beavers for example. I doubt they sit on their damns rationalizing how to cheat on their mates. Rationalization is given too much weight, imo. Even after you "rationalize" away the guilt, you are still aware you are doing something wrong.

Monogamy is hardly arbitrary social indoctrination. WE ALL have the urge to have sex, correct. However, not everyone has the urge to have sex with other people, besides their mates. There's a huge difference. In other words, I feel it is more of a case of some humans being unscrupulous people then "fighting some urge" to bone others. Many people are HAPPILY monogamous and desire no one else.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> This implies monogamy doesn't exist in nature. Many animals besides humans are monogamous and mate for life. Beavers for example. I doubt they sit on their damns rationalizing how to cheat on their mates. Rationalization is given too much weight, imo. Even after you "rationalize" away the guilt, you are still aware you are doing something wrong.
> 
> Monogamy is hardly arbitrary social indoctrination. WE ALL have the urge to have sex, correct. However, not everyone has the urge to have sex with other people, besides their mates. There's a huge difference. In other words, I feel it is more of a case of some humans being unscrupulous people then "fighting some urge" to bone others. Many people are HAPPILY monogamous and desire no one else.


True monogamy exists in nature, but it is rare - few animals are actually monogamous.

I also said rationalization is a guilt REDUCTION mechanism, not a guilt elimination mechanism - please don't twist my words. And few animals - other than humans - have the abstract thinking ability that allows for rationalization. Your point about other animals has no merit.

I agree that not everyone has the urge to have sex with other people - and that some people are HAPPILY monogamous - but those who don't have the urge usually aren't the cheaters. You're making an irrelevant distinction, since we ARE talking about cheaters.

Monogamy IS - to some extent - a social indoctrination. There are cultures where it isn't expected, but western thinking on this has largely overtaken those cultures. Even so, there are still countries and cultures where monogamy may be common, but not a social expectation.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> Monogamy IS - to some extent - a social indoctrination. There are cultures where it isn't expected, but western thinking on this has largely overtaken those cultures. Even so, there are still countries and cultures where monogamy may be common, but not a social expectation.


I'm trying to understand your belief system.

Is being a "good" person or a "bad" person social indoctrination as well?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> I'm trying to understand your belief system.
> 
> Is being a "good" person or a "bad" person social indoctrination as well?


Yes. What is considered good or bad in a particular society is largely determined by culture and belief system.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> Yes. What is considered good or bad in a particular society is largely determined by culture and belief system.


Good. 



Married but Happy said:


> You're making an irrelevant distinction, since we ARE talking about cheaters.


So not really. Everything we are discussing on a macro level is broken down into two types of people. Those who are capable of adhering to societal rules and those who can not. What those rules are is arbitrary (ie what's good, bad, cheating, etc.) 

This is having a moral code. What that code is varies by culture but cheating is a by product of people incapable of adhering to a moral code. (ie unscrupulous people) rather than some biological urge. My point was many people don't need to rationalize to cheat like a beaver wouldn't. They are just self creatures with no moral code. The rationalizations often times come later during "damage control" mode when again that selfish need, this time to reattach to their "security blanket" kicks in.

We all have the need to eat, what we desire to eat is as variable as what we desire to fvck. Some people only want chocolate ice cream 24/7, some people want to try all of Baskin's Robbins 31 flavors. Many people have a strong desire to be monogamous like certain animal species was my point. That its more than purely an arbitrary social construct though it maybe for some more than others. In this particular culture, it is the preferred system because it causes less conflict.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I understand your point, BD. And I agree that cheaters aren't capable of adhering to societal rules. I would also make a distinction that some _other_ societal rules may be immoral/unethical from a more "enlightened" perspective, in which case it could be good to break the rules - but there may be societal consequences/laws to which you'd answer.



> In this particular culture, it is the preferred system because it causes less conflict.


Hmm. Or does it? I generally agree, but I think I could make a good case that this system actually increases conflict!


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I know I'm totally going to get roasted for saying this. But I don't view my ability to stay monogamous as a reflection of my moral character. I honestly see it as more of sexual preference. It IS however a moral issue if you hide it from your spouse and aren't honest about it.


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## BiscuitMom (Oct 16, 2009)

How do cheaters rationalize anything really.


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## Heartbroken in Texas (Nov 12, 2015)

Every situation is definitely different. I am not proud to say that I was talking to my current husband for about a month before leaving and divorcing my ex husband. I was in a miserable marriage that was abusive and had been looking for a way out for years. I was just too scared to make a move. When my current husband came into the picture I just knew he was there to save me. He was the backbone and strength that I didn't have on my own. We had been engaged and broke up when I was just out of high school. I thought about it over and over..."If they'll cheat WITH you, they'll cheat ON you." I just knew that I wouldn't cheat on him. Even though I did cheat on my first husband, I considered my marriage dead. That's not something that was easy or normal for me and I really do wish I had handled it differently. I actually still have a lot of guilt and remorse (and have had since the very first phone call) and it has been 12 years. I ASSumed my current husband felt the same way because I believed him when he told me that he wouldn't cheat on me or hurt me. I was wrong. He said he cheated on his first wife because she was always drunk and never there for him. Well, I don't drink at all and am available to him. He shut me out about 6 weeks ago and started cheating on me. I am devastated, but feel like I deserve it for the way I ended my first marriage. Karma..... . I should have had the strength and integrity to be a better person 12 years ago.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

Heartbroken in Texas said:


> Every situation is definitely different. I am not proud to say that I was talking to my current husband for about a month before leaving and divorcing my ex husband. I was in a miserable marriage that was abusive and had been looking for a way out for years. I was just too scared to make a move. When my current husband came into the picture I just knew he was there to save me. He was the backbone and strength that I didn't have on my own. We had been engaged and broke up when I was just out of high school. I thought about it over and over..."If they'll cheat WITH you, they'll cheat ON you." I just knew that I wouldn't cheat on him. Even though I did cheat on my first husband, I considered my marriage dead. That's not something that was easy or normal for me and I really do wish I had handled it differently. I actually still have a lot of guilt and remorse (and have had since the very first phone call) and it has been 12 years. I ASSumed my current husband felt the same way because I believed him when he told me that he wouldn't cheat on me or hurt me. I was wrong. He said he cheated on his first wife because she was always drunk and never there for him. Well, I don't drink at all and am available to him. He shut me out about 6 weeks ago and started cheating on me. I am devastated, but feel like I deserve it for the way I ended my first marriage. Karma..... . I should have had the strength and integrity to be a better person 12 years ago.


Since I'm someone who has cheated I can tell you this. If you want to cheat you can always find a good reason to do so. I was masterful with coming up with solutions as to why my online activities were OK.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Heartbroken in Texas said:


> Every situation is definitely different. I am not proud to say that I was talking to my current husband for about a month before leaving and divorcing my ex husband. I was in a miserable marriage that was abusive and had been looking for a way out for years. I was just too scared to make a move. When my current husband came into the picture I just knew he was there to save me. He was the backbone and strength that I didn't have on my own. We had been engaged and broke up when I was just out of high school. I thought about it over and over..."If they'll cheat WITH you, they'll cheat ON you." I just knew that I wouldn't cheat on him. Even though I did cheat on my first husband, I considered my marriage dead. That's not something that was easy or normal for me and I really do wish I had handled it differently. I actually still have a lot of guilt and remorse (and have had since the very first phone call) and it has been 12 years. I ASSumed my current husband felt the same way because I believed him when he told me that he wouldn't cheat on me or hurt me. I was wrong. He said he cheated on his first wife because she was always drunk and never there for him. Well, I don't drink at all and am available to him. He shut me out about 6 weeks ago and started cheating on me. I am devastated, but feel like I deserve it for the way I ended my first marriage. Karma..... . I should have had the strength and integrity to be a better person 12 years ago.


The solution to a ****ty marriage is very rarely swapping the spouse for someone new.

It usually involves getting out of it, and long hard thinking about how you got into it in the first place.

You know, hard work.


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## Survivorgirl (Nov 18, 2015)

This is probably not going to be popular but the truth is that I don't think cheaters care. I think in the midst of their activities, they are so caught up in the fog, the newness, the sneaking around, whatever it is they feel that they simply don't care about anyone else. If they rationalize, it's much later and probably when they get caught.
I also think another poster mentioned that perhaps cheaters think everyone can cheat (again projecting their belief systems onto the rest of us), so they are remorseless. While as BS, when we are caught in the web of their treachery, our pain is unimaginable, we are better off once we recover. You should never choose a cheater unless you expect it to happen again. There are many who take this gamble but they must know it can happen. It's brutal that my 22 year marriage is ending so terribly because my stbx cheated but even though the pain of the betrayal is unimaginable, I can never look at him, much less love him the same again. He's tainted. So, frankly, I suggest you do the hard work up front and move on. I think there is one exception: a ONS, that is unplanned and a mistake; however, affairs are a completely different issue. And, be extremely careful of any cheater who leaves a marriage. When you take vows, have property together, share insurance and money and choose to cheat and leave--THAT is an especially heinous human being, who only deserves to be with another cheater. And when you add children to the mix, it's really a person to be avoided at all costs.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

BiscuitMom said:


> How do cheaters rationalize anything really.


Most don't. They push it back into a little box and hide it from themselves and anyone that matters. Remember... their never going to get caught. They exist from one high to the next. 

DD... now all the rationalizing starts in earnest. All aboard the Crazy Train.


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