# Two different visions of the past?



## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

*Two different visions of the past and the aftermath of my wife's affair*

It's been five months since my WW moved out and then in with her AP. I was thinking back to when she told me she was leaving me for him, and aside from the obvious trauma of hearing that, I almost instantly began thinking about our shared past, 11 of those years with my daughter.

I thought about all the wonderful times we had as a couple and as a family and how right up until I discovered her cheating, she seemed to be enjoying marriage and family life as much as me.

I'll always be amazed at how she was able to just leave me and and 11 year old daughter and start a new life with someone else, it shows the power of an affair, and that she obviously had a different vision of how things were in our marriage that she never expressed to me.

This has changed me. She destroyed my ability to trust, and altered my way of looking at the world and relationships. I wake up thinking about this and it's my last thought before I fall asleep. The damage to me and my daughter is immeasurable.


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## Hamster2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Maincourse,

I'm almost in the same position as you, so I can easily relate to what you have been through, what you are going through. Ironically, today would have been our 12th wedding anniversary, and this is the week-end she is moving out. Our daughter recently turned 4 y.o. and will be living back and forth with mom and dad.

After something she said in July, I started to suspect something was going on, and after some investigation, discovered that she had been doing something since January 2011... On August, she finally admitted to sleeping with one guy since March 2011. She is only admitting to some things and hiding lots more, some she says she will never tell me. She is barely sorry for what she has done, keep saying she was justified to do what she did and that it's all my fault. Every time we talked about this, she kept giving new reasons why she did it.

So, yes, I do think that some of them WS are brutally selfish with a heart of stone. As an example, here is what my WW told me yesterday in an email, she was at work... " I understand u are upset and that I hurt you, but c'est la vie..."

So, hang in there brother! We will make it, eventually, one day at a time.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Hamster2 said:


> Maincourse,
> 
> After something she said in July, I started to suspect something was going on, and after some investigation, discovered that she had been doing something since January 2011... *On August, she finally admitted to sleeping with one guy since March 2011. She is only admitting to some things and hiding lots more, some she says she will never tell me. She is barely sorry for what she has done, keep saying she was justified to do what she did and that it's all my fault. Every time we talked about this, she kept giving new reasons why she did it.*
> .


I hope you have shown her the door!


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## Hamster2 (Aug 6, 2012)

KanDo, she is moving out this week-end. 

Don't want to hijack our fellow member's thread though. I have another thread in this section about my situation.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

maincourse99, 
stop looking at the past look at the future its not dark its more bright without a heartless wife like yours.

Find some new hobbies, new friends stay away from your home for vacations with your daughter. Why you wanted to think of a person who DONT want you in her life? Are you in IC?

Its time for you to move forward not backward.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> " I understand u are upset and that I hurt you, but c'est la vie..."


Sorry man, you loved once but... what a heartless bith, soul less poor excuse of human being you STBXW is. Sounds sociopath.

BTW that's the real reason. That's all. She wanted, she's selfish, she did it. Got busted, no shame. Gone.


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## BeenHurt (Sep 19, 2012)

Acabado said:


> That's all. She wanted, she's selfish, she did it. Got busted, no shame. Gone.


Fantastic!!!!

Let it go man, **** her, she's living with someone else now, it won't work out, and if it does, take solice in the fact that she will never be as loved as much as you did, therefore she'll never find it.

You need to find something new now, you're lucky you have your daughter, many people here lose their kids to the AP aswell. Don't take that for granted (not saying you do, but just make sure you focus on it)

You'll find a woman who loves you, they are everywhere, nice ones, real ones, nothing like the POS you married. But going to sleep and waking up with the pain of losing her is going to get you no-where but further pain.

She wasn't always like that, wrong, she was, but you where too good of a man to believe it....

Your future is looking bright now she's not in your life, FACT...You'll sit there one day saying 'did I really feel that bad' Skip forward a few steps and say that now....

Take your daughter swimming, to the park, to the cinema. Get a sitter, and get some beers in you with the lads, you can do whatever you want to now the devil isn't in your bed!


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

BeenHurt said:


> Fantastic!!!!
> 
> Let it go man, **** her, she's living with someone else now, it won't work out, and if it does, take solice in the fact that she will never be as loved as much as you did, therefore she'll never find it.
> 
> ...


seriously listen to this, most people feel better after 3 mos, pm me for any advice, i've been doing this a while now & we're attempting reconciliation which is hell for me


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

Thanks everyone for the comforting words, just what I needed to keep going.


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## hurtandmiserable (Sep 23, 2012)

Sounds to me like extreme selfishness on her part. She did what she wanted to do, and didn't want to accept any of the blame. You certainly deserve better, and I know that the process is godawful, but keep on keepin' on and I hope you'll come out of this with someone who deserves you.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

OP wayward spouses will frequently edit their history to enhance the viability of their affair. 

You ever buy a video game console when you were little, and then get in an argument with one of your friends who had a different one? We need to validate our purchases. Of course your wife is going to have a different understanding of your history together than you do. Or at least she does now. 

She had to, in order to qualify what she's done. Because this is truth:

*True cowardice is redefining what you've done, rather than coming to terms with what you are.*

And your wife is very much a coward.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

hurtandmiserable said:


> Sounds to me like extreme selfishness on her part. She did what she wanted to do, and didn't want to accept any of the blame. You certainly deserve better, and I know that the process is godawful, but keep on keepin' on and I hope you'll come out of this with someone who deserves you.


It's true. She was very selfish and didn't want to accept any blame. My husband did the same and he left 4 kids for the OW. One day, your wife is going to realize what she has done and how much she has hurt you guys. But you will be at a better place then. Trust me. This has happened to me and it felt real good knowing how much better I and the kids was doing without him. You will too. Hang in there.


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## BookOfJob (Jul 6, 2012)

maincourse99 said:


> I'll always be amazed at how she was able to just leave me and and 11 year old daughter and start a new life with someone else, *it shows the power of an affair,* and that she obviously had a different vision of how things were in our marriage that she never expressed to me.


This probably should be written in some kind of bibble for people thinking about marriage.



Hamster2 said:


> " I understand u are upset and that I hurt you, but c'est la vie..."


Funk this, this is crap, that's why I said they've turned into a monster. The old person you married has died and replaced by this new self.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

*Re: Two different visions of the past and the aftermath of my wife's affair*



maincourse99 said:


> It's been five months since my WW moved out and then in with her AP. I was thinking back to when she told me she was leaving me for him, and aside from the obvious trauma of hearing that, I almost instantly began thinking about our shared past, 11 of those years with my daughter.
> 
> I thought about all the wonderful times we had as a couple and as a family and how right up until I discovered her cheating, she seemed to be enjoying marriage and family life as much as me.
> 
> ...


I can relate. 

I am so sorry you are feeling upset today. 

Likely things were good, but the infatuation of new love takes about two years to over come. She will likely wake up when it is waaaay to late.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

maincourse, read this post. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32963-been-cheated-last-1-5-years-17.html#post1130506


No doubt this event will change you forever. That's the nature of the beast. But YOU get to decide whether this is a gaping bleeding wound you carry around for the rest of your life, or a scar that while present, never prevents you from living a full, loving, joyful life.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

*Re: Two different visions of the past and the aftermath of my wife's affair*

Yes Sara, things were good, for me anyway. But I'm now able to look back honestly and it wasn't perfect. She really wasn't a very good wife in many ways. 

I wasn't perfect, but I tried my best. Just can't compete with an AP. Marriage is real life. I agree, this affair of hers will end especially now that they live together, but if and when she asks to return, I hope I have gotten to the point where I won't give in and take her back.

I actually hope she never asks.


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## Gunthar (Sep 2, 2012)

Yep......it's called rewriting history 

As other posters have said it is their way to justify in their minds what they have done or are going to do. True cowards for not owning up to their own actions! 

My wife rewrote history this past summer during our marriage low point. Could not figure out why until I discovered several EAs and crushes for OM (even dreaming of the time she could spend with them......)

Do a 180, focus on yourself, get yourself in a good place and accept the fact she is gone. I agree with other here that the way she is acting and talking......the only option is to show her the door and you move on with your life. Good luck


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