# Is it me or is it her?



## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

I am very, very confused here.... I do not know if my wife just will not tell me the truth that she doesnt want relations with me or if she is not happy about herself or I am just playing house here.

Back in 04 my wife had an eptopic pregnancy, and they could not repair the one tube so they had to disable the one side.
We were told we would have a harder time getting pregnant due to this just not sure if her hormones or sex drive is affected by this. She never asks the doctor though she tells me she will but never happens. Well, 6 months later we were pregnant with our second child. 

Now we never have relations at all and its been months now. Not to long ago we were supposed to have relations but she kept putting it off making excuses. Finally I got tired of it and we had a long talk but not about relations. I told her what is the deal and she tells me she doesnt have a sex drive anymore. 
I told her well since you dont have the want anymore I am supposed to loose it too? I told her that I have needs and wants too so now what? 

I asked her if it is me, she says no. I ask her is it over with us she tells me no. Yet I get no affection at all from her hell we barely even talk. Last night i was told the last week i have been annoying yet all i have been trying to do is talk to her. So now I am pissed off, she tells me that she loves me and wants this to work, yet all i get told is I am annoying, no to sex, but yet I can be her personal butler when she wants something.....

She has no time to cheat on me so i dont think that but yet I feel that we are just playing house! She told me at one time she is not happy about her weight and she is not motivated. I thought this had to do with me because i used to drink alot but i stopped 4 months ago to see if that would help it seems like it but maybe I need to wait more but what do I do since she wont have relations with me. When ever I try to talk or ask for it I get yelled at... I get told "your going to start with that crap again" 

What does it mean if she doesnt want to have relations anymore? is it her or are me and her done? I just feel she wont be honest and tell me the truth because either she doesnt want to hurt me or she just wants us to have a pretend marriage but I am getting sick of it. Any help from the ladies? thanks


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

tony8404 said:


> no to sex, but yet I can be her personal butler when she wants something.....


This sentence sums up your problem completely. Her life is working for HER and no she does not want to have sex. You continue to meet her needs and you wonder why she isn't motivated to meet yours.

It's really quite simple. Stop meeting her needs. Go out, make some friends, get a hobby, get a life and above all else stop being her personal butler.


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## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

So in other words, play hard to get? 

I guess you are right, I see what you mean now. Just hearing that she no longer feels like it anymore seemed like alot more to it than the advice you gave me.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

What you need to do is match HER actions. She no longer feels like it anymore so you no longer feel like doing those things she likes.

Its more complicated than playing hard to get.

Do you really think it's okay for her to quit having sex just because SHE lost her drive? What if you told her you were going to quit working because you no longer "felt like it?"


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> What you need to do is match HER actions. She no longer feels like it anymore so you no longer feel like doing those things she likes.
> 
> Its more complicated than playing hard to get.
> 
> Do you really think it's okay for her to quit having sex just because SHE lost her drive? What if you told her you were going to quit working because you no longer "felt like it?"


Exactly. I'm sorry dear, I don't feel like doing the dishes. I just don't have the drive anymore to have a clean house, etc. Comfort is a big time sex killer. She doesn't have an incentive to address the problem in the marriage. It's time to give her one. Being more giving and attentive does not work. Skip that disappointing road if you can.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I sobered up
And I got to thinkin
Girl you ain't much fun
Since I quit drinkin


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

There is something else going on here.

"I asked her if it is me, she says no. I ask her is it over with us she tells me no. Yet I get no affection at all from her hell we barely even talk. Last night i was told the last week i have been annoying yet all i have been trying to do is talk to her."

What else do you talk about besides 'relations'? Do the 2 of you actually do anything together...of any kind? Say... go out to dinner or hike in the woods or play cards or whatever?

You say she is worried about her weight and not motivated. Sounds to me like you need a way to take charge and shake things up a little... and NOT simply 'stop meeting her needs' or put an embargo on doing the dishes. Thats the cheap way out - and I bet it doesnt need to be that way. Why turn it into a contest of frustated wills?


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

phantomfan said:


> ..Comfort is a big time sex killer...


I call Bull$#iT on this.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Do you really think it's okay for her to quit having sex just because SHE lost her drive?...What if you told her you were going to quit working because you no longer "felt like it?"


Yes, I do think its OK.. or at least it is understandable.

Sex isnt just getting your rocks off. Frankly, I dont want to have sex with someone if they arent mentally even in the same room with me. Seriously?

the OP needs to find out what the problem is... and the problem here is not lack of sex. Lack of sex is a symptom of detachment.. and it sounds like these 2 are barely talking. And equating a good sex life with having to go to work is a pretty pathetic comparison.


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

tony8404 said:


> I am very, very confused here.... I do not know if my wife just will not tell me the truth that she doesnt want relations with me or if she is not happy about herself or I am just playing house here.
> 
> Back in 04 my wife had an eptopic pregnancy, and they could not repair the one tube so they had to disable the one side.
> We were told we would have a harder time getting pregnant due to this just not sure if her hormones or sex drive is affected by this. She never asks the doctor though she tells me she will but never happens. Well, 6 months later we were pregnant with our second child.
> ...


To answer the initial question, its not really you and its not really her either.

How long ago was the second child born? If it was in the last 6 months to a year dont freak out to much, alot of times it takes awhile for women to get their hormone levels back after pregnancy and to get used to having sex again. Also, you said she has some weight she wanted to loose (baby fat?) this could have a lot to do with it, that causes alot of mental stress for women and they dont feel attractive, make sure to stress she is beautiful, also try and help her on her goal of weight loss, be supportive. It sounds like this is a new issue, it might be worth playing hard to get, maybe pull away that might cause her to investigate more and see whats wrong and use sex to draw you closer to her again, not a 100% fix but its worth a try. In the end if the issue persists i would do whatever it takes to get her to therapy as well as see a Dr. Dont let hermake excuses, the issue needs to be dealt with before that lack of sex becomes the new foundation for your marriage. keep communication open, she needs to know how you feel about the lack of sex but be sure to make it a "US" issue, stress that its not her fault but something the two of you need to deal with together. It seems like she is positive and wants to make things work based on what she says, while she gets mad i doubt thats actually directed that anger at you, its probably more of her frustration of not being able to meet your needs and make you happy and she is annoyed that she doesnt know what to do about it. Continue to work with her and fix it as a team, im confident things will work out for you in the end.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Toshiba2020 said:


> ...How long ago was the second child born? If it was in the last 6 months to a year dont freak out to much, alot of times it takes awhile for women to get their hormone levels back after pregnancy and to get used to having sex again. Also, you said she has some weight she wanted to loose (baby fat?) this could have a lot to do with it, that causes alot of mental stress for women and they dont feel attractive, make sure to stress she is beautiful, also try and help her on her goal of weight loss, be supportive.... Dont let hermake excuses, the issue needs to be dealt with before that lack of sex becomes the new foundation for your marriage. keep communication open, she needs to know how you feel about the lack of sex but be sure to make it a "US" issue, stress that its not her fault but something the two of you need to deal with together. ....while she gets mad i doubt thats actually directed that anger at you, its probably more of her frustration of not being able to meet your needs and make you happy and she is annoyed that she doesnt know what to do about it. Continue to work with her and fix it as a team, im confident things will work out for you in the end.


:iagree:

yes... how old is the baby?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

So lets be clear. She told you that she never wants to have sex with you again or are you deducing this?

Be aware that many men think their wives have no sex drive only to find out that they have no sex drive for them. I am not saying that this is the case here.

Please see -> Married Man Sex Life. You need it.

I am also a big fan of His Needs Her Needs. You guys should do this. Some women act like stopping sex is like deciding not to go bowling any more. They really do not realize that sex and marriage for many men is one. To me if there is no sex there is no marriage. Marriage is not only sex, but I married a woman and not a man for the sexual relationship.

I suggest you do the above things. Buy Athol's book. Read it completely and follow it. You decide whether you want to run the MAP or not. In parallel do the HNHN. Find out what her needs are and meet the top five for sure. You need to convey to her that she needs to meet your top five needs. You are married to each other and you need to meet each others needs. Emotional needs are not just wants. Do either of you want someone else meeting those needs? The above are an attempt to be the most attractive man you can be to her. It covers both Alpha and Beta traits. Woemn need a balance but realize it is a moving target. She just may be done with the physical relationship.

I would insist that you and your wife go talk with her doctor together about this. There are options if her hormones are off. Relalize that there may be associated risks. But not trying is not an answer.

Men get bashed for harping on sex. Well when you are thirsty all you think about is water. BUT on the flip side ... well read the freakin book.

I do not think it is the case here, but do not assume she does not have time to get her needs met elsewhere. Stay on the above as your main focus but do a little snooping as well. I assume you have access to her FB, email, and cell phone activity. Does she have any close male friends and so on. this is just due diligence to make sure what you are dealing with. Does she work?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> the OP needs to find out what the problem is... and the problem here is not lack of sex.


I agree but why is it up to him to find out what the problem is? She keeps parroting "it's not you" so what other choice does this guy have but to DO something to possibly motivate HER to want to fix the problem. At the moment she has no interest in fixing the problem or even telling him what's wrong.

The only person he can change in this scenario is him. Time to lower the temp until wifeypoo wants to discuss the problem like a mature adult.


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I agree but why is it up to him to find out what the problem is? She keeps parroting "it's not you" so what other choice does this guy have but to DO something to possibly motivate HER to want to fix the problem. At the moment she has no interest in fixing the problem or even telling him what's wrong.
> 
> The only person he can change in this scenario is him. Time to lower the temp until wifeypoo wants to discuss the problem like a mature adult.


Its been my experience they won't tell you. They may not know, may not want to tell you or they forgot. Regardless, MMSLP is definitely something to get your hands on ASAP.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Oh puh-lease. Stop it with the MMSLP junk. 'lower the temp on wifeypoo'? really?

The OP poster had/has a drinking problem, they dont talk, they have a newchild, and she has weight and motivation problems. Do you seriously think this is the right time to insist that he start 'changing the conditions of the game' so that he can get laid?

Some people on this site constantly skip over what is going on in the relationship and immediately go for the neck on the sex front. I think its bad advice.

Tony - do what you like, of course... there are enough afficionados of that tactic here that it bears consideration - but my guess is that you (as a couple) have larger issues that need to be worked on.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

anotherguy said:


> Oh puh-lease. Stop it with the MMSLP junk.


Why the hostility here? Do you understand the MAP?



anotherguy said:


> The OP poster had/has a drinking problem, they dont talk, they have a newchild, and she has weight and motivation problems. Do you seriously think this is the right time to insist that he start 'changing the conditions of the game' so that he can get laid?


If the child is brand new, then it's possible that hormones are driving the lack of affection. Otherwise, I don't think ignoring a problem is a good strategy for solving the problem.



anotherguy said:


> Some people on this site constantly skip over what is going on in the relationship and immediately go for the neck on the sex front. I think its bad advice.


I agree that sex is best tackled indirectly. I just disagree on the indirect tactics to use. The OP has tried talking, and that irritates his wife. So, I wouldn't advise that strategy. The OP has quit drinking, so apparently that wasn't it either. I think changing himself, rather than trying to change his wife is a pretty viable strategy. It's worked for a lot of us.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

anotherguy said:


> Oh puh-lease. Stop it with the MMSLP junk. 'lower the temp on wifeypoo'? really?
> 
> The OP poster had/has a drinking problem, they dont talk, they have a newchild, and she has weight and motivation problems. Do you seriously think this is the right time to insist that he start 'changing the conditions of the game' so that he can get laid?
> 
> ...


It is always the right time to start working on the conditions of the marriage and laying the groundwork for a healthy sex life. I get your point it is not just a focus on an event. He needs to deal with the causes. 

That is why I suggested he do HNHN and find out what is up with her needs. They need to talk.

He should indeed look into upping his attractiveness. That takes a long time so he should not wait. 

I also think they should see the doctor to see if she is having difficulties.

Like it or not he should see what is going on in his wife's life with her other realtionships. I do not think this is the issue but it is something he can do.

He needs to work on his marriage. He can handle all four at the same time. Chillax. Why the hostility?


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

So.. Tony... this thread was 5 months ago... what has changed? Anything?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...nk-i-finally-nailed-what-wrong-my-wife-2.html

lht285 had advice in that thread (2nd to last post).. have you followed through with it.. or has it been more challenging than you expected?

and this from 2 years ago?
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...meone-has-really-either-given-up-just-do.html

etc:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...changing-better-but-will-she-change-well.html


...just trying to understand your situation better. It may take some time, however, before she believes that you have changed... but I am just guessing. That last thread is almost 2.5 years old but you say you quit drinking 4 months ago. She may be afraid of accepting your progress for fear of getting hurt again?


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## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

Wow here I thought no one was going to respond to my thread lol..

First off, our second child was born in 2005 so she is 6 now. Also, it is not baby fat.

To be clear she never said she does not want to have sex with me... I just feel like she does not ever want to have sex with me again. I did something to push her as far away as possible i feel...

As far as me and her doing anything is hardly ever! Let me explain a few things. I work a full time job, she works two part time jobs. mon-fri 7:30 am till noon. Second job is sat and sun 7:am to 5:30 pm. She has a degree but does not use it. During the week when she gets off at noon she goes and takes a 3 hour nap!!! Picks the kids up that is a block away and then they do homework and pick me up. When we all are back home she will cook but then from 6-10 she is on the couch watching tv. 10-midnight can be the laptop. 

If i try to talk to her when she is on the laptop reading she does not even notice me. When we do talk usually its about the stupid cat or dog or just nothing. She never wants to do anything... She already is on depression pills but I see no improvement I think I need them lol.

She just seems completley in a rut... I am not sure if it was me being a drunk for 10 years that did it but to me it seems she has checked out from me do to many many tries of sobering up. Sad thing is here i finally done it but feels like i am too late!


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## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

I was lacking in drive while taking birth control pills, so hormonal imbalance is a big possibility.

*My husband and I used to have exactly the same conversations*.

Not real clear on her status (pregnant/nursing etc...)

But just tell her sex is very important to you and please see her gyno for tests is she is not preg etc... Can't hurt.

Best Wishes


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

tony8404 said:


> ...She just seems completley in a rut... I am not sure if it was me being a drunk for 10 years that did it but to me it seems she has checked out from me do to many many tries of sobering up. Sad thing is here i finally done it but feels like i am too late!


ding! ding! ding! We have a winner! 

Im not making fun of you friend... but really. If you have 10 years of drunk behind you, you are just going to have to keep working on it. 4 months just isnt enough to reclaim all the trust or hurt or resentment that may have taken hold. Face it - you are on sexual parole until she feels like she can trust you and that you have indeed actually turned the page on that chapter of your life. I have no idea if it is too late.

She is still with you... hopefully, things will get better as time goes on. Set goals. 6 months. 1 year. And then take stock of where you are.

Are you in any sort of counseling or AA program or anything? If not - that my be another thing that shows her you are making progress.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tony8404 said:


> Wow here I thought no one was going to respond to my thread lol..
> 
> First off, our second child was born in 2005 so she is 6 now. Also, it is not baby fat.
> 
> ...


You know it is a rut and therefore know that has to change. Your work arrangement is not marriage friendly for you two.

A woman has to connect with her husband to want to have sex with him. So please both of you read that HNHN book. It covers this stuff. You are not meeting each others needs.

You bith need to put the marriage at priority #1 or you will stay in the rut or spiral downwards.

I am presuming that since she is not using her degree she might actually be able to change jobs so that you guys can be on a more favorable schedule.

You must spend time together. Some say 15 hours a week of quality time. So yeah stop worrying about sex and straighten out your life. The sex may come after that.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tony8404 said:


> Wow here I thought no one was going to respond to my thread lol..
> 
> First off, our second child was born in 2005 so she is 6 now. Also, it is not baby fat.
> 
> ...


You know it is a rut and therefore know that has to change. Your work arrangement is not marriage friendly for you two.

A woman has to connect with her husband to want to have sex with him. So please both of you read that HNHN book. It covers this stuff. You are not meeting each others needs.

You bith need to put the marriage at priority #1 or you will stay in the rut or spiral downwards.

I am presuming that since she is not using her degree she might actually be able to change jobs so that you guys can be on a more favorable schedule.

You must spend time together. Some say 15 hours a week of quality time. So yeah stop worrying about sex and straighten out your life. The sex may come after that. 

Being drunk for ten years can impact a little bit. You think?


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## PooDoo (Aug 12, 2011)

Being a drunk for 10 years and having a 6 y.o. When did this start being a problem for her? Did you ever get physical with her? So she had sex with you when you were a drunk and now you are sober and she has nothing to do with you?


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