# No turn down policy (Sex)?



## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

How significant do you think this can be in a marriage? If both partners agree in blood writing lol j/k, that they will NEVER turn each other down for sex no matter the circumstance unless its extreme? I just hate when people say that their partner provides duty or pity sex or that someone always has to be in it before things can get going. Hence why there is foreplay? If its not being utilized you should start. Or you hear "well sometimes I do it when Im not into it". You're telling me you won't be into it after you start feeling all those sensations throughout your body and you climax? Granted you should climax, if you're not then you better start teaching your partner how to make you get there. I think the problem with a lot of couples is that priorities tend to get shifted. One might maintain the same or alter them around sex, the other may change them completely leaving sex on the to do list and not the priority list. Just trying to get some other perspectives and Id love for some satisfied spouses to chime in on what other incentives are good for keeping the sex life on track.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Not sure how relevant my opinion is as the relationship is new but we are very compatible and very much on the same page with our opinions of our sex life. Both of us are out of LTR which had become sexless.

But to answer your question, to start with we always have sex in the air ie things like mild to extreme sexting. Sometimes it is just funny or cheeky comments during the day. Shows we are thinking of each other.

We are both "put your hands on me" sort of people. He can pinch my arse anytime and I know I can do the same to him. 

We have lots of funny in jokes. Not all of them are overtly sexual, some are about funny things that we have done in the bedroom. 

We talk about sex a fair bit.

As for the no turn down policy, he knows that I am up for it whenever he wants. It would have to be extreme for me to say no. Like if I had just had a shower, done my hair and we were going out soon, my hair takes a lot of doing to look this good 

As long as men understand that women take a bit more at times to get aroused then it is all good. 

It helps that we do have great sex, why would either of us turn that down?


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## ForBetter (Mar 6, 2012)

For many years we only had sex when we were both in the mood. It seemed like a good idea-- it was my husband's idea, actually-- but what resulted was that we had sex less and less frequently as time went on and family life became more complicated and demanding. 

A few years back we realized that something had to change-- we were only having once sex every few months, and neither of us was happy about that. So we began having sex when either one of us was in the mood, with the expectation that the other would soon become aroused. This turned our love life around dramatically. 

Of course we both try to be sensitive. If my husband is dead tired from raking the leaves, I am not going to ask for sex just then; if he knows I only got 3 hours of sleep last night, he won't ask.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

This is something I did coming into my marriage, granted it was unspoken I just never rejected him. I admit it led to a little resentment on my end and became a chore. This was before my attitude changed about sex in general but I think it can work for some couples.

Some things that helped us is that my husband is aware and not offended that there are times that I may not start off in the mood but I'm always receptive to his advances. Also I realized that my husband is very observant and he doesn't come to me when I'm extremely tired because he knows without a doubt he'll get it soon after.

One thing my H put his foot down about is our kids in the bedroom. His policy is that from 9pm to 7am no kids allowed unless there is an emergency. Of course if they are sick, or have a bad dream we tend to them, but otherwise our room is adult only with no t.v. or toys. Like the previous poster it keeps sex in the air. Along with a lot of flirting and sexy talk throughout the day. Even if it doesn't lead to sex that night.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

How about a semi-no turndown policy? There are times when someone may be too tired or busy, they should be able to say "no", but should also be able to say "tomorrow" and follow up on it.


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

well that would probably be on the list of circumstances. Like I know Im one of those people who needs 6-9 hours of sleep a night. Id like for if its going to be random, catch me at a time when I try going to sleep at a decent time. I dont want to roll out of bed to work off of 2-3 hours of sleep because she wanted to get her rocks off. I wouldnt put her in that position myself.


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## ARF (Jan 26, 2011)

My wife and I are currently on a sex schedule. Obviously, one can pursue sex on "off" days, but it has been the policy that has worked the best for us. Takes the pressure off. Both of us have had issue initiaying in the past. Her due to being LD and me due to fear of rejection because she was LD.

The schedule wrks for us. It has also allowed me to be more assertive sexually because of no fear of rejection. The no turn down policy seems nice, but it won't work for all couples I would imagine...nor would a schedule. The important thing is finding something that works. That plays into each of your lifestyles.


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## FrustratedInBama (Nov 14, 2012)

My wife has a "no turn down policy" and I have never turned her down. The only issue I have with our situation is that she has made the comment that she has no sex drive. That being said, every time we have sex I feel like it's pity sex. She doesn't want foreplay. No kissing, no oral, no fondling. She basically wants me to climb on top and do my business. This is really an issue for me. And she thinks I should be satisfied because she isn't turning me down. All that being said, I think the no turn down policy can work as long as there is some effort put forth if you are the one that is not turning down. I know that every time isn't going to be "knock your socks off" sex, but every time shouldn't be "hurry up and get it over with" sex either.


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## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

Duty sex to contractual sex....hmmmmm
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> How about a semi-no turndown policy? There are times when someone may be too tired or busy, they should be able to say "no", but should also be able to say "tomorrow" and follow up on it.


That's pretty much how my wife and me handle this. We have a totally free turn down policy, and we both turn each other down. But it's with the unspoken understanding that sex WILL happen, and soon. So typically if one of us say no, the understand is "not yet".

And if one of us wants to have sex more frequently, we just say so. I've realized that lately we've been having too many 1-2 times per week weeks, and that's not enough. So I said to her last night that I think we should aim for 5 times a week, and she said "Sure. Want to start right now?". I said no, but a few hours later we ended up having an amazing time in bed later. So even with that frequency it's not a matter of a no-turndown policy, it's just a matter of being more open and making sure you step up.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

jaquen said:


> That's pretty much how my wife and me handle this. We have a totally free turn down policy, and we both turn each other down. But it's with the unspoken understanding that sex WILL happen, and soon. So typically if one of us say no, the understand is "not yet".
> 
> And if one of us wants to have sex more frequently, we just say so. I've realized that lately we've been having too many 1-2 times per week weeks, and that's not enough. So I said to her last night that I think we should aim for 5 times a week, and she said "Sure. Want to start right now?". I said no, but a few hours later we ended up having an amazing time in bed later. So even with that frequency it's not a matter of a no-turndown policy, it's just a matter of being more open and making sure you step up.


This is the sense I agree with as well. People need to be able to say "no" during a relationship, but to many no's hurt. So a 'no' with an implied or a stated 'later' is fine.

My question to you Jaquen is how long after the 'no' is to long? If your wife says no and then it's four days later and still nothing happens, how do you feel about that (assuming no issue like illness, etc. pops up)? How long is to long after getting a 'no.' Additionally, if you get told 'no' is it on your wife to offer when she's ready or do you ask again when you're in the mood again?

The issue I see with the semi-no turn down policy is that some spouses will say 'no' and then say 'We can do something later' but what is 'later' to them really is 'MUCH later' to the other spouse and that causes issues and resentment.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> My question to you Jaquen is how long after the 'no' is to long? If your wife says no and then it's four days later and still nothing happens, how do you feel about that (assuming no issue like illness, etc. pops up)? How long is to long after getting a 'no.'


Good questions.

We don't really have any hard and fast rules about any of this stuff. Typically the amount of time for us after someone has said "no" is anywhere from a few hours, to a whole day. There are times, more unusual, but not exactly rare, where I've made and advance, or she's made an advance, and sex doesn't come together for days. If one of us feels like enough sex isn't happening, or our desire for sex isn't meeting up enough at mutual times, than we'll say "hey, what's going on". 

I'll admit that I'm spoiled. So sometimes if I'm really in the mood, and she says no, I will got a little pouty about it. But I know, in my heart of hearts, that my woman craves, desires, and will almost always, have sex with me. So it's not a matter of counting the hours, or the days, for us. There is a constant expectation that sex can happen, whether it happens on any given day, or not. 



kingsfan said:


> Additionally, if you get told 'no' is it on your wife to offer when she's ready or do you ask again when you're in the mood again?


Again, just depends. Sometimes I come back around, and sometimes she comes back around. Sometimes the other will do things sexually that we _know_ will get the rejecting party on board.

Yesterday is a good example. I told her that we were NOT going to be having sex. She's been dealing with a respiratory infection, and I refused to make things worse. She kept sticking her hands in places that she knows will get a reaction, but I kept telling her NO, and pretty adamantly. Later on in the evening, in bed, she began to caress my d*ck, and then her own body, and it was obviously turning her on. I didn't give in at first, but I let her do what she wanted to. One thing led to another, and while we didn't have intercourse, we had some great sexual activity.

That's one of the ways my wife and I will handle rejection. If my wife really wants it, she'll go on and pleasure herself, and 9.9 times out of 10 I won't be able to resist, despite my initial rejection. It works the same for me.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

This is an unspoken agreement in our house.. we don't reject each other. In 25 years i could count on one hand the times I've said "NO". I've tried to recall H ever saying "NO"... still thinking on that one. 

Usually H can read me well enough to know if I'm tired or unwell or just not in the mood and he wouldn't initiate in those cases. If i have my period and I'm not feeling very sexy I'll always offer him a BJ or a soapy HJ in the shower.

If I did say "NO" I would always give him a rain-check and I always follow through on them. Got to be true to our word!

Personally I find sex is a bit of cure all for all my stresses/worries/aches so I have to be half dead or comatose to say "NO".


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Ideally, if you're both in the mood, have sex.

If he's in the mood, you should always make the time and not give excuses and turn him down.

If she's in the mood, again, he should always make the time and not turn her down.

If you're both not in the mood, fine.



Realistically, if she's not in the mood, too bad for you.

You only have sex when she is in the mood.

Years of this leads to major issues in the marriage, cheating, resentment, physically starved, porn, divorce........and then, all men are pigs!!! It's never her fault.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Ideally, if you're both in the mood, have sex.
> 
> If he's in the mood, you should always make the time and not give excuses and turn him down.
> 
> ...


Realistically if he is not in the mood then too bad for you.

You only have sex when he is in the mood.

Years of this leads to major issues in the marriage, finally divorce.

In my case I did not cheat, turn to porn or come out the other end with the attitude that all men are pigs.

Posts like yours really do not help the gender divide. Not all women operate on the level you are saying and not all sexless marriages are due to the woman being the denier.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I agree and you're right. My personal experience. I guess not all woman are like that after all?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> I agree and you're right. My personal experience. I guess not all woman are like that after all?


We are all biased by our own experience but it is important to say that there are many, many, many women that are on the wrong end of sexless marriages.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Where are all these women with high sex drives?

Every guy at the shop I work have women with lower sex drives.....only exception is one guy with his new girlfriend.

Everyone is in their 30's and 40's.

Was I raised in a generation were women are told not to be as sexual or something? That's been my experience so far.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

CuddleBug said:


> Where are all these women with high sex drives?
> 
> Every guy at the shop I work have women with lower sex drives.....only exception is one guy with his new girlfriend.
> 
> ...


As a HD woman I have found more like minded women here on TAM than in RL. In fact I find some LD women in RL to be somewhat antagonistic toward HD women. If you don't agree and nod your head about how gross sex with your man is your teased for being a nympho, a sex-mad women who swings from the trapeze every night, into whips and chains... i just smile and nod 

I have more friends/acquaintances who openly dislike sex than ones who enjoy it. Not been able to figure out why. 

Can't even tell you the key to finding a sex mad wife... many of the men here started out with great sex lives...but they just faded away.

All I know is my man makes me feel loved and cherished everyday and for some reason.... that makes me want to love and cherish him back.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

We more or less have a no turn down policy. My wife has told me that if I am horny, within reason, she will take care of my horniness even if she is not up for it at the time.

Probably TMI but she doesn't want me to masturbate to release 'the pressure' she is adamant she will take care of my every sexual need.

And yes it does sometimes lead to duty sex, but I appreciate the fact that she loves me enough to give me the release I need.
It is also quite funny that very often duty sex turns into a passionate, hot session.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Realistically, if she's not in the mood, too bad for you.
> 
> You only have sex when she is in the mood.


This doesn't sound at all "realistic" to my marriage.

If my wife isn't in the mood, but I am, she'll usually get in the mood at the top of sex. If she doesn't get in the mood, which is extremely rare because she's a very sexual person, then I stop it because I have zero interest in one-sided sex.



waiwera said:


> In fact I find some LD women in RL to be somewhat antagonistic toward HD women. If you don't agree and nod your head about how gross sex with your man is your teased for being a nympho, a sex-mad women who swings from the trapeze every night, into whips and chains... i just smile and nod


My wife use to have a friend like this. They weren't having sex very often at all, and mainly because the husband is severely obese and avoids it. But they were talking about matters sexual, and she mentioned at the time that our average was 3-4 times a week. She swore that we were nymphomaniacs.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

waiwera said:


> As a HD woman I have found more like minded women here on TAM than in RL. In fact I find some LD women in RL to be somewhat antagonistic toward HD women. If you don't agree and nod your head about how gross sex with your man is your teased for being a nympho, a sex-mad women who swings from the trapeze every night, into whips and chains... i just smile and nod
> 
> I have more friends/acquaintances who openly dislike sex than ones who enjoy it. Not been able to figure out why.
> 
> ...


I've had this same experience. I don't really have many people I can talk to about the good parts of sex, and get tips from, etc. In certain parts of my world it's like a sin to admit I enjoy sex w my H. And never mind trying to share the information that I've learned that even got me to this point.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

TrustInUs said:


> I've had this same experience. I don't really have many people I can talk to about the good parts of sex, and get tips from, etc. In certain parts of my world it's like a sin to admit I enjoy sex w my H. And never mind trying to share the information that I've learned that even got me to this point.


What a shame. My wife has been in groups with ladies who got on bash fests about their husband. And they've asked why she doesn't join in, and she says she has nothing to contribute.

I personally think she could contribute plenty, but the woman is utterly in love with me, and even more, respects me. She would never get on a group bash session against me, and neither would I against her.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

jaquen said:


> What a shame. My wife has been in groups with ladies who got on bash fests about their husband. And they've asked why she doesn't join in, and she says she has nothing to contribute.
> 
> I personally think she could contribute plenty, but the woman is utterly in love with me, and even more, respects me. She would never get on a group bash session against me, and neither would I against her.


Same here, I've been accused of having the "perfect" marriage all because I don't join in and bash mine. But I believe those bashing sessions do more harm to a marriage than folks realize. But that's a whole other thread.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Yes...sad isn't it. 

Personally I sense a twinge of envy from them. They see me and H being affectionate (not over OTT PDA) and they probably wish they had that in their lives... with someone... :scratchhead:

Funny thing is... when the blokes hear that me and H have lots of sex, lots of sex play, lots of fun... they give him a pat on the back and buy him a beer. 

WTF's with that! More gender divide?

But here TrustInUs.... we don't have to feel like freaks.....


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I'm not going to try and fathom why women seem to look down their noses at other women who have a lot of sex, but for men I think it's an alpha male thing. Like that guy who is getting laid like tile is the leader of the pack, and get treated as such (buying a beer, pat on the back, etc.) Likely along the same lines of how women will flock in to check out a new pair of designer shoes on a friend.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

kingsfan said:


> I'm not going to try and fathom why women seem to look down their noses at other women who have a lot of sex, but for men I think it's an alpha male thing. Like that guy who is getting laid like tile is the leader of the pack, and get treated as such (buying a beer, pat on the back, etc.) Likely along the same lines of how women will flock in to check out a new pair of designer shoes on a friend.


I was told once...during a girls weekend away that I was 'letting the team down' :scratchhead: 

The discussion had been ' who managed to get away without having to have 'going-away-sex'? Everyone smiled and nodded..except me... I'd jumped hubby that morning 

And damn it... I want a pat on the back and a G & T please!!!


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

waiwera said:


> I was told once...during a girls 4 day weekend away that I was 'letting the team down' :scratchhead:
> 
> The discussion had been ' who managed to get away without having to have 'going-away-sex'? Everyone smiled and nodded..except me... I'd jumped hubby that morning
> 
> And damn it... I want a pat on the back and a G & T please!!!


Have you ever asked these women why they avoid sex so much and why they stay with their husbands?

I really don't get what the appeal is for most people to stay in a marriage where they make it a mission to avoid sex at all costs.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

^^ yeah me too.. Sometimes I just want someone besides my husband to say "Good Job!" lol kidding, kidding.... Sort of


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Obviously I can't speak from the inner sanctum of female chatterfests. Even the female friends that I do have, as deep as our talks can get, they don't bash their men with me (if ever).

But I can relay observations from my wife's old get together with two of her close friends from college.

One, as I mentioned earlier, was married to a morbidly obese man. Sex had dried up not because her libido died out, but because eventually he refused sex. She was hurt, frustrated, and sad about the turn of events in her marriage.

The other's sex life was more akin to ours, but her husband is very controlling. She's a sweet, artistic soul, who is still searching to find herself. Her husband is more grounded, a good quality, but he keeps a firmer hand on her self explorations and seems to get frustrated with the twists and turns in her journey toward an authentic self.


Their complaints about their marriages, and spouses, came from a place that was ultimately grounded in a lot of angst, and frustration, in their marriages. It wasn't even that they were super proud about the complaining, but it was a case of "misery loves company".

And then there is this odd woman out who still lights up like the Christmas star when she mentions her husband, and seems to be genuinely happy, and overjoyed, to be married. It doesn't lend itself to the cathartic air of misery that those ladies were embracing.

It doesn't help that the state of marriage in this country is in shambles. It seems perfectly acceptable, and reasonable, to feel miserable in marriage, and to cut sex down to a trickle. There is no better way to feel totally justified in being a cold, dead fish than surrounding yourself in a culture where the cold, dead fish is celebrated.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

I have two girlfriends that I can talk to about such matters, but I rarely get to see or talk to them much. Both are single, one shares my religious beliefs and one does not, but I can be more open with them.

But of my very close married friends, who mainly share our beliefs, it does seem to be acceptable among them to disregard sex with their husbands. So to admit that I like it, and sometimes go out of my way to make sure we keep that connection, I get looked at as if I'm from another planet. As far as their marriages, they appear to be happy to some extent, but one never really knows what goes on behind closed doors.

I had one friend tell me once a month was good enough for her... I felt sad for her, but she wasn't open to really discussing it with me.... Could have been my approach though.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

TrustInUs said:


> I had one friend tell me once a month was good enough for her... I felt sad for her, but she wasn't open to really discussing it with me.... Could have been my approach though.


I have found in general men like to exaggerate how often they are getting sex to avoid ridicule from peers. Do you find that women like to lower the amount of sex they have for the same reason?


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> I have found in general men like to exaggerate how often they are getting sex to avoid ridicule from peers. Do you find that women like to lower the amount of sex they have for the same reason?


Honestly, I've never considered that but it could be possible. I could even see it happening based on my personal experiences. With the looks and comments I sometimes get, I'm sure there are a few that just follow the crowd and downplay it for that reason.

I also think a lot of this comes from cultural and relgious backgrounds. Growing up, sex was such a taboo topic, and heaven forbid you actually like it.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I think these boards tell us lots of people are happy with once a month sex...or less.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I talk about matters sexual extensively with two of my best friends, both men, both single. We give details about our sexual lives, them their different encounters, and I regale stories of our sexual adventures (my wife is aware, she does the same with two of her best friends, so there is no violation).

To be fair, these are two different friends of hers. These women she grew up with, and have known since elementary and junior high days. Those women express no discontent at her excited recounts of our sex life. They also are single, so that might play a part in it. They likewise share details about their lives freely, and openly, and both women still enjoy sex.

My two friends look at our sex life as something to aspire toward. One of the two has lots of married friends, and he says that our marriage is the only marriage that gives him hope. The rest of his friends marriages are lost in the various throws of mediocrity, and the sex lives are staid, and diminishing. These people are all in their late 20's/early 30's. Both of these friends tell me that my marriage is the only one where sex is as frequent, and talked about with such joy.

Something is wrong out there.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

waiwera said:


> This is an unspoken agreement in our house.. we don't reject each other. In 25 years i could count on one hand the times I've said "NO". I've tried to recall H ever saying "NO"... still thinking on that one.
> 
> Usually H can read me well enough to know if I'm tired or unwell or just not in the mood and he wouldn't initiate in those cases. If i have my period and I'm not feeling very sexy I'll always offer him a BJ or a soapy HJ in the shower.
> 
> ...


This is my mrs and I exactly.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

jaquen said:


> Something is wrong out there.


Amen.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

we made a pact to never turn the other down 37 years ago and we never have. our sex life has been amazing!


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I wouldn't say we have a policy, as such, I mean, nothing's written down or anything, but I can't remember ever turning my husband down when he's seriously initiated. He doesn't really, if I'm clearly too tired, or sick, or whatever, but even times when I've thought I was too tired all he needs to do is a little bit of gentle 'convincing', and I'm good to go. 

He doesn't turn me down either.

We have had some longish sexless periods when we were at odds and not emotionally connected. Neither of us want to have sex if there's a serious disconnect going on, which thankfully is now far behind us. 

I love him, I love sex. Simple.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Lyris said:


> I love him, I love sex. Simple.


Sadly this is almost revolutionary. Some men truly believe women like you are the things of myth and legend.


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