# My story (new here)



## Jetoroal (Dec 24, 2014)

I'm here to tell my family story. Been lurking here for a long time. 

My dad cheated on my mother numerous times throughout their 20 year marriage. Finally agout 8 years ago she divorced him. Two of the affairs resulted in two sisters by two different OW. Ironically my parents are now good friends with each other. I also have a good relationship with him although for a long time I was angry. I think my mom stayed for family stability as well as for financial reasons. Both of them are single now and it appears that's how's it going to be for both of them. Having seen the destruction of infidelity first hand I don't wish it on anyone and look forward to contributing on TAM CWI. 

I am dating a beautiful young lady right now and look forward down the line to forming a family of my own but sometimes I feel like my family's situation has made me kind of numb to the idea. 

Thank you for reading it was therapeutic to write all this down.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are you and your girl friend?

I can understand your concern about getting married and having children. 

There are things that you can do to lesson the chance of your marriage going bad of infidelity. I'm sure you have read of some of those here.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You can learn a lot from TAM. And not just in the CWI section.

My advice is to read as much as you can in the various sections here and do ask questions of other members.

And welcome to TAM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

I can see how your past family history may lead you to be wary of marriage and STATISTICALLY children of cheaters are slightly more likely to cheat themselves than those whose parents were faithful, but that does not by any means predestine your attempt.

IMHO, Marriage should ideally be a willingness of both partners to commit themselves to the other, holding as their highest ideal the best interest of the other. 

Both partners should be totally aware of and willing to face the very real challenges of long term commitment, which can include a wavering of sexual interest over the years, both high and low and back again by either partner. Another challenge is navigating the individual needs and expectations of each partner vs the compromise that each partner must give for the benefit of the union and especially children if they arrive. Both partners need to think of their partnership, their family unit first before themselves. Ego and selfishness must step aside as you protect the other and seek what is best for the other. When this dynamic gets unbalanced, one partner's needs and demands more important than the other, then problems arise with resentment and hostility resulting.

Another HUGE component of a successful marriage is, of course, honest, compassionate communication: the ability to express your needs and disappointments in a calm and patient way and to learn to really listen to the other. There are countless books out their that can help you gain this skill; it does not come naturally.

Lastly, each partner should realize that personal expectations must be deeply examined and discussed. Taking vows to each other does not mean that your partner is responsible for your own personal happiness and fulfillment. That can only come from within. Conversely certain expectation like honesty and fidelity, an openness to constructive criticism are legitimate and necessary and should be agreed upon by both well before you marry.

Jet...you are wise to be aware that your family history impacts you and you are wise to be wary and take it slow in a relationship as important as marriage and parenting. But don't hesitate to open your heart to love..it takes tremendous courage and dedication to dismantel the walls of individualism and ego, self interest and need to successfully navigate marriage which calls for vulnerability,openness and self-sacrifice. But if both you and your partner are on the same page on this and willing to work thru the tough times, as they inevitably will come, you may find that marriage is the ultimate blessing of fulfillment in both your lives.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Jet,
Just remember that a foundation is crucial to any relationship you may have and the bedrock on which the foundation should be built is complete honesty and openness. Communication is also critical and is the water to any relationship, without which the relationship withers and eventually dies. You do not have to repeat your parents mistakes, it need not be your destiny. Strengthen your resolve to be the best H you can be and whatever arises in your marriage, talk about it and deal with it. Unaddressed issues fester and infect a marriage. I wish you every good thing and welcome to TAM.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Our experiences color the way we view things.

With that said, your life and relationship are your own and not your parents'.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Get the two books linked too below and get ahead of the game.

Mmslp is an absolute must for men.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Everyone has baggage from our past experience. In your case, it more from the past mistakes of others you don't want to repeat. Marriage might seem scary because you're not sure what a good marriage looks like up close. My opinion is that you're very smart to poke around a marriage forums like you're doing. The 'Marriage and long term success' section of TAM could be quite helpful. The 'coping with infidelity' section is annoy the crap out of you.

Thanks for posting. I think some of the 'be your best' reading material out there is very helpful. 'The Seven Habits of highly successful people' by Stephen Covey. It's a good read and gives you tools for interacting and communicating which happens to be very handy if you get married.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Jetoroal said:


> I'm here to tell my family story. Been lurking here for a long time.
> 
> My dad cheated on my mother numerous times throughout their 20 year marriage. Finally agout 8 years ago she divorced him. Two of the affairs resulted in two sisters by two different OW. Ironically my parents are now good friends with each other. I also have a good relationship with him although for a long time I was angry. I think my mom stayed for family stability as well as for financial reasons. Both of them are single now and it appears that's how's it going to be for both of them. Having seen the destruction of infidelity first hand I don't wish it on anyone and look forward to contributing on TAM CWI.
> 
> ...


Welcome. I have an assignment for you. Read this book. Just for knowledge. I wish every person would read it before finding a partner; it helps SO much to understand how relationships work - and how they stop working.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

There are a couple pieces of advice that I would like to pass on to you. First, don't heap the sins of others on your significant other. Just because your father cheated doesn't mean you or your gf will cheat. Secondly, after you two have discussed family, finances, boundaries, life goals, then set your date about a year in the future. During that time you need to undergo marriage counselling. Remember that the success to any relationship is that the relationship has to mean more to you than your own personal desires. Best of luck.


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## Jetoroal (Dec 24, 2014)

Wow thank you all for the very nice welcome to TAM. Me and my gf are currently 29. We are almost done with our careers and have worked on and off before that. Yes I will read those books well before any decisions are taken. Merry Christmas to you all!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jetoroal (Dec 24, 2014)

One last thing I might add even though my earlier family years were lived through turmoil now we all get along quite well. So even though it's not the perfect happy ending my Mother, me, and Dad even have get togethers with my other 2 sisters. The other 2 OW are both abroad with other families and as far as I know NC has been kept. However all of this tranquility was only established after years of heartache.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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