# Interesting Situation and need help



## lostinlovemi (Mar 1, 2012)

A little background. My wife and I have been married for 14 years. We worked together 13 of those years and last year she left the business to pursue some of her dreams. She felt that I was holding her back from her dreams while helping me at the business. She says that I haven't done enough to grow my business and has built up resentment towards me for the last several years.

I have honestly done all I can to provide a good living for us and I don't know what else to do. She threatened divorce a year ago and again last week. She said she didn't want to waste another year of her life. I told her that since she isn't help me any longer, it would be best for her to get a job and help out financially which would lift a large burden and take some stress off. She just sent in resumes a couple months ago after sitting at home for 10 months. She had an interview set up but declined because she said she wants to pursue her career dreams and doesn't feel a job like an office job would give her that opportunity, so all the financial burden is left on my shoulders.

Here's where things get interesting. In the past we have experimented with an open marriage because she felt I couldn't give her all that she needed. So she has had some other guys she has slept with over the last 8 years. About 3 years ago, I found out she was falling in love with one of the guys so I asked her to break it off. Last year, after threatening divorce, she decided to start meeting some other guys even though I didn't approve. She met one guy she has been seeing him at his house about once a week. This is the first time she had met any of the guys at their house. This arrangment has tormented me immensely and we've had several arguments because of it. She says it makes her happy and she doesn't know what else to do.

She says she loves me but is not in love with me because of the resentment that has built up. I still love her and want the best for her, but I don't know what to do. We are upside down in our house and can't go our separate ways because of the financial burden. So we pretty much live as roommates but she continues to see this guy about once a week even though she knows how it makes me feel.

I feel that she is putting all the financial burden on me and she wants to have her cake and eat it too. I would like to just go our separate ways, but if I had to pay alimony I would be ruined financially.

Any suggestions on how to handle this?

thanks


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Cake Eating!!! That's exactly what she is doing. Unfortunately you are continuing to enable her.

It's time to decide if you want to continue living like this or change things. Give her a choice. Either she stops seeing other men and sincerely works on rebuilding your marriage, or you will get a divorce. Also, she needs to be told to either get a job or work with you in the family business.

Speak to an attorney about your divorce options. You might be surprised. It may even be cheaper for you in the long-run. A peaceful, stress-free life is priceless.

Good luck!


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## lostinlovemi (Mar 1, 2012)

Thanks 827. I think I made a huge mistake agreeing with the open marriage arrangment years ago. We did it to spice things up and I think it came back to bite me. However, the fact that she feels the need to see other men speaks volumes. If she truly wanted our marriage to work, she would stop seeing this other guy and get a job to help out financially. I feel that if we divorced, she would still be granted alimony even though she insists on seeing other men. I'm afraid that because I went along with this originally, the court would be on her side. 

I'm getting to the point where I may just give up the house, even if it's a hit to my credit to get to a point of peace and pursue someone who feels the same way about me that I do about them. As long as I have shelter, food, and clothing, I'm happy. I just don't need this constant pressure to do better with my business and have to provide for both of us financially when whe is fully capable of working. We have no kids to take care of so there is no excuse why she can't work.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

That's why I say to see an attorney. Find out what your options are and get your ducks in a row.

I put up with my estranged husband's craziness for almost 3 years before I finally put my foot down. I ended up losing everything, including my health, over it. He ruined our credit, and destroyed our business--among other things. And the bank is likely to take the house very soon also. Over all it's really not so bad to be penniless and have no credit. The stress level is getting better. And as long as I have a loving family in my corner I've got what I need. Look at the big picture when weighing your options.


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## lostinlovemi (Mar 1, 2012)

To be honest. I don't really care if I lose everything and have to start over. I can focus on my business and myself for now. Not having the constant stress and pressure of trying to make her happy would only be a good thing. 

What's difficult is that we still love each other and get along well. Just hard to see here everyday and be reminded of our situation and the fact that she still sees this other guy.

I'm past the point of begging and pleading to work things out because I really haven't done anything wrong. The more I show strength and that I can go on with or without her puts me at peace.


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## kallywana (Dec 2, 2011)

Make up your mind. Not giving her everything she wants is no justification for adultery.


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