# She takes Facebook way too seriously.....



## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

So last weekend I'm out with the family, everybody has a great time. That evening my wife and I have fantastic sex after the kids are all asleep. She wakes up glowing and smiling. A little later that morning though she comes to me saying that my friend disrespected her on facebook. (my friend is a simple backwoods kind of guy that honestly I don't think likes women all that much, not gay, but just hates women). Apparently he had posted something about "you know you're drunk when...". She replied, jokingly apparently because later she was yelling about how he should have noticed the smiley face at the end of her comment. Somehow he didn't see the sarcasm in her typed response and popped back a post that basically said to leave me alone. This is where it starts going bad. She posts back saying he shouldn't get offended that she was just joking. Then she makes me post to it so I make up a joke and post something equally stupid as the first one. Then the ultimate no-no happens, he unfriends my wife and myself. To me, no big surprise. To her, she is now not only being disrespected but is now being treated "like ****" and wants his phone number. I ask her to leave it alone but she feels like she has to defend for some reason and get me "friended" again. Knowing that she'll just get it off my phone as soon as I set it down anyway I go ahead and give her the number. She proceeds to hide in the bedroom and start formulating her text message.

About an hour later she comes and tells me she wants to talk to me. When I get to the bedroom she's almost already in tears and starts trying to explain to me why she sent the text and that it she was just trying to defend herself and me. I read the texts and it basically said: her-you misunderstood me him-no i think you misunderstood me her-no really it's my fault and don't unfriend my husband if you are mad at me him-i don't have a problem with your husband but you're giving me a headache, goodbye. I stand there staring at the phone trying to figure out what she's wanting me to be mad at. I found out pretty quick she wanted me to be upset that he unfriended us and then started treating her "like ****" (i guess with the headache comment). I start getting loud saying "why wouldn't you just drop it when I told you to". She gets loud too saying "oh, it's ok then for him to talk to me like that?". I get louder screaming that she's basically following someone down the street picking at them and when they finally turn around and snap at her she jumps behind me and says "get him!". I ended up leaving the house, mumbling "goddamn facebook" over and over on the way out.

Later that day she asked me to come home so I could watch the four year old while her and the other two older ones went to a movie. I had already texted my friend at this point saying I'd told her to stop bugging him about stuff and to friend me back. I wanted him to friend me back so I could get back to that thread and see what all was written again. While she was gone she asked if I had talked to him and out of instinct I said "yes, and I told him to leave you alone". Unwittingly I just created a lie. 

There was no more talking that night. In the morning I left for work like I usually do. By the time I got there I had a nice email waiting for me saying that I was a liar, betrayer and that I wasn't her husband anymore. She had went into my phone that morning apparently and read the rest of the conversation between me and my friend. I thought, great, yes I should be in trouble but that's also a privacy issue. I don't dig in her phone or check her facebook/emails. Later that day there was another email saying that maybe we just needed time apart because she doesn't feel like she knows who she is anymore and that I never defend her.

That night she waited till the kids were asleep and then wanted to talk about it. She restated her position about how he should have seen the smiley face and known she was joking and he shouldn't have been such a jerk and force her to respond that way. I made apologies for lying about what I didn't say to him but I still maintained that she was going overboard with facebook and needed to find something else to do with her spare time instead of sitting there trying to figure out the hidden meaning in someone's "happy birthday" comment or something. When she started talking about (talking at this point because she had apparently gotten most of the anger out of her system) what I wanted to do as far as separating or divorce I simply said I had no feeling either way. I was sitting there on the couch literally with no feelings in my heart. I started talking about some of the other times this has happened where she made a mountain out of a molehill and somehow it ended up caving in on her and it's my fault somehow. I went over all the stuff from the other cycles of want a divorce/want to work it out that we've had over 13 yrs of marriage. Then I said I'd just have to really think about what I wanted and left it at that. 

Next day she starts sending me links to personality disorders she thinks I might have. Now she's latched on to the idea that because I don't have any emotion about it that I must have some serious empathy issues caused by my childhood and that it's the cause of all our problems. I also found out she ended up texting the guy again and even says she has no regret about doing so because she was able to clear her chest and put it behind her. Now she's completely focused on wanting to work it out but only if I can go get counseling for all my apparent childhood traumas. (the only thing that happened when I was a kid is my parents divorced when I was 3. I stayed mad for a little while but at some point realized they were just people like me and my wife and did what they had to do so I stopped letting it bother me)

Last few days she's been super nice and asks me about my day, etc. Sends me "thinking of you" texts and stuff. Wants to know if I read all the articles she's sending. Last night she wanted to talk again (I've been giving her the cold shoulder while I contemplate things). I told her the same thing as before. I don't know what to do. Basically I describe it as not wanting to give up but not wanting to fight it anymore either. Apparently she had decided that we were going to work it out so the news that I was still thinking of splitting up put her further into problem solving mode. This morning she made a comment about whether or not her asking my mom to babysit would end up coming up in court if we were getting a divorce. It sounded completely out of place and odd to hear that but she was dead serious.

So, that's my story so far. I'm getting tired of having to defend things she makes up. It's like it builds up or something then it could be the way the wind blows that sets her off and she'll spend 2 days crying her eyes out and then be perfectly fine for another few months. One minute I'm superdad, the next I'm the devil.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Wow - I have to first predicate any response with that there are always two sides to any story and we've only got one. B U T.... and don't take this the wrong way - she almost gave me a headache just reading about it all. I'm not sure what's going on with her but to finish all of that with accusing you of having personality disorders is just mind boggling. I really don't have any idea how to advise you to handle it, I just wanted to tell you that based on your post it sounds like it's your wife and not you with the issues. 

Good Luck man - sounds like you've got your hands full - no offense.



one_strange_otter said:


> Then the ultimate no-no happens, he unfriends my wife and myself.


BTW - This ^^ made me laugh.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

I think marriage counseling would be more beneficial than the IC she's suggesting. She needs to realize her issues aren't helping the marriage. As of now she thinks this is all you. While I'm sure you have your faults, you handled this situation well. Aside from the lying, the only mistake you made was offering to get involved in her FB drama. If she wants to act a fool, let her. Just stay out of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rikithemonk (Jun 8, 2011)

Wow, you screwed up. Why did you ever goad you into writing a comment on the facebook? I cant fathom how you let her drag you into a fight that she clearly started herself. Very Dumb.

Now she is trying to lay the groundwork for saying your unstable and your OK with that too.

Either you have a nut job for a partner, or she is smarter than you and laying the groundwork for a major set up. 

:scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Facebook. Wtf. People act like it's part of breathing and living! We all survived for DECADES without it.

lol Facebook is stupid. I have it for the chat as my husband won't let me load any IM services, scared of viruses. I also post pics. But i have 40 friends, mostly family. They get upset that I don't reply soon enough to their comments. What? LOL It's just Facebook!!!


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

I think she's got a total lack of respect for me for one. I mean, when your husband asks you to leave his friend alone (because I know he's an ass but hey, he's still my friend) why wouldn't you do it? And trust me, this isn't an isolated incident. It's a cycle that repeats about every six months or so with the whole divorce thing. I basically told her I'm not going to get upset anymore when she brings it up. That's why I was so cold about it the other night.

She's constantly misunderstanding peoples comments and has in the past flown off the handle and posted something about even our own relationship on facebook for all her friends to see. Also, to add a few more details, I found out 2 days ago that after she contacted him again for the last time she said it was so upsetting that she just had to delete the whole text and his contact info off her phone. Then she un-friended me on facebook and set all her stuff to private. She still lists us as married but the only reason to drop me, her husband, that I can think of is so that she can go discuss every little aspect of the events with her girlfriends or something.

Historically we've had issues with house work because she either doesn't work or only works part time and has 4 days a week at home yet can't wash dishes, sweep or clean anything in general. Usually the excuse is that the baby (4 yr old) won't "let" her do anything and just acts clingy and she can't get any work done. My side of that story is that I get up every morning, take my 2 older kids with me in the car to school, which is an hour away from our house. Then I work all day in my office (ok so I'm not out digging ditches but your brain gets fried after a day of dealing with people) then pick the kids back up and take them to whatever afterschool activities they might have (i'm my sons cub scout den leader). On the way home I usually get a call that she forgot to thaw out meat or buy something she needed to be able to cook so we end up eating fast food A LOT. 90% of the time I'm the one putting kids to bed while she's on the recliner pouring over facebook. 95% of the time I'm giving the boys their baths. When I'm home I'm usually changing all the diapers (the four year old has a developmental delay and won't potty train yet). I could go on and on.....

She did try to apologize last night saying that what she wrote in the emails was done without stopping to read what she had put down before sending it. Flying off the handle and sending texts, emails, posts is all too common though.


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## rikithemonk (Jun 8, 2011)

First off, to all of you people who use facebook constantly. I work for a company in the IT department and I was asked to join HR in a meeting with a vendor because they wanted a technical opinion. Do you know what the meeting was about? Ill tell you. This vendor offers a new service in additional to the back ground checks and credit checks for our new hires. They drill through the internet and they find your facebook, and your forum posts. They said that they have ways of getting them even if they are private. He came very well prepared whit examples of embarrassing facebook content, as well as disturbing forum posts. HR intends to add the service to our company the next fiscal quarter. So, all these party pictures and all these mindless comments are all going to come back to haunt you.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

rikithemonk said:


> First off, to all of you people who use facebook constantly. I work for a company in the IT department and I was asked to join HR in a meeting with a vendor because they wanted a technical opinion. Do you know what the meeting was about? Ill tell you. This vendor offers a new service in additional to the back ground checks and credit checks for our new hires. They drill through the internet and they find your facebook, and your forum posts. They said that they have ways of getting them even if they are private. He came very well prepared whit examples of embarrassing facebook content, as well as disturbing forum posts. HR intends to add the service to our company the next fiscal quarter. So, all these party pictures and all these mindless comments are all going to come back to haunt you.



This is exactly why I don't friend people from work on facebook. I work in IT here at my company and we don't worry about it too much but it's too easy to put yourself in a "grievable" situation after a few drinks.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

I also want to make it clear that it's not just the facebook thing. She will fill in peoples responses to situations for them and then react to what she thinks they are going to say. If that makes sense. When she starts chewing her bottom lip and curling her hair around her fingers I know those wheels are turning and something spectacular is about to come out of her mouth. She just doesn't have the sense to know when to drop something and forget about it. I'm not stupid or arrogant enough to think she'd forget something important like a lie but getting that upset over a joke on facebook is ridiculous. She zones out entirely too when in that thinking mode. I've walked into the room before to find her completely engrossed in someones post while my son paints my computer monitor with magic markers not even 18 inches away from her. How do you get that engrossed in something to not even know what's happening around you?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

one_strange_otter said:


> Then she un-friended me on facebook and set all her stuff to private.


Two words - DRAMA QUEEN. She unfriended you - wtf?? Have some fun - block her - so when she tries to re-friend you you aren't even there. Second thought don't do that, it's just playing her game but it sure sounds like fun. She's manipulating you by threatening divorce every six months and you stopped reacting so she told you you had "personality disorders." Don't play her game - don't react when she starts working you. Liki Riki said if she picks a fight and wants you to jump in - don't unless YOU think it's the right action. 

I'm not sure you can change the other things, taking care of the house ect... You can try laying out the work in a equitable schedule and holding her accountable if she doesn't do her part but that's likely just to get you more drama and accusation of being controlling. Don't always be the fix to things she neglects. If she forgets something for dinner, let her solve the problem or go to the store. If she won't help take care of the house, clean up what you need and ignore the rest. 

Honestly this sounds like a combination of two things - she's got some issues, and you may be a little beta to successful manage the relationship. Head over to the Men's Clubhouse and read a little over there.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Let's say the scenario were a little different ( just the facebook part) If you were at dinner with your spouse and a friend, then your friend starts to have the problem my wife is having (misunderstandings, picking at the friend) do you tell your wife to leave it alone, or do you tell your friend to watch his mouth?


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## mommyoftwo85 (Sep 23, 2011)

I don't see how she can be upset with you. I understand that she feels like you are not defending her but she needs to understand that she started it as a joke or not. It is not your battle to fight.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

one_strange_otter said:


> Let's say the scenario were a little different ( just the facebook part) If you were at dinner with your spouse and a friend, then your friend starts to have the problem my wife is having (misunderstandings, picking at the friend) do you tell your wife to leave it alone, or do you tell your friend to watch his mouth?


This could only be decided by hearing the conversation and having an opinion on who's right and wrong. If I thought my wife misunderstood and was attacking my friend I'd first try to steer the conversation in another direction. If she still didn't drop it I'd tell her my interpretation of the conversation, if escalated from there I guess we'd leave dinner and fight it out. 

If I thought my friend were wrong I'd give him one free pass (assuming he wasn't too far out of bounds) and then I'd tell him to stop, politely but firmly. 

Most people avoid either of the above situations by simply being cognizant of the tone of the conversation and the body language of those around them - your W does not sound like she does this which makes it harder. Ideally she'd see you as her support and look for you to guide her in her responses, but apparently she sees herself as right no matter what and if you don't agree she sees you as antagonistic; which leads to DRAMA.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

She sounds like my mother-anyone who disagreed with her was nuts and needed a shrink.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

You know....at 38 years of age there is one thing I want from any relationship I'm in from this day forward. Peace. 

I'm not saying it's always easy, or that you can't have problems to work on, etc. I'm not saying live in a fantasy world. 

But just having this kind of stuff brought up on a daily basis would just be way too much for me to handle. That Facebook situation sounds a lot like stuff that happened in school when I was 8. 

We aren't going to be here for that long of a time. I want to enjoy it as best as I can. So that is why I can't give any advice on how to deal with this kind of stuff, because I just wouldn't.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Holy ****. Your wife is narcissistic and passive agressive. She really needs to get some counseling. She reminds me of my mother. 

I don't know how many times I have to tell people, esp. my mother, I don't ****ing care about what is on facebook.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

So to follow up, the guy she picked a fight with on facebook is the grandson of the lady that watches our 4 yr old in the afternoons. My wife tells me yesterday that she ran into him while he was there but he never looked at her and acted like she wasn't there. On the way out she left some money on a table and when she turned to make sure the babysitter saw it she noticed he had been looking but turned away quickly. What's weird about it was that she said everything with an attitude like "I showed him who's boss". She said stuff like "I just didn't realize how much I hate him until I saw him but now I know that if you told me he was in a car accident and died or hurt real bad I'd just be like "so what?"" Is that crazy or what? I'm still giving the cold shoulder and it's driving her nuts. She's throwing in "I love you's" etc. all over the place. She's going to her friends house tonight to watch movies and spend the night. No doubt I'll be a big topic of discussion. I think now that she's over her perceived issues with my buddy and she's given a half-hearted apology for the letters she wrote me about divorce, she's now starting to actually worry that I might be seriously considering separating. Which incidentally, I am. I already work an hour away from home in another town. I bring the older two kids with me every day so we all spend 2 hrs a day in the car. Why not just rent a small apartment in that town so that I don't have the drive and the kids are getting home at 7 every night?


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

I really like WhereAmI's response. Counseling is highly recommended if you care about your marriage. Not to FIX you, but to bring the issues out. It sounds as if your wife has some challenges with intimacy and/or abandonment issues. 

It's not necessarily her trying to be manipulative about threatening divorce, it's probably because she's scared to death of it - it shows in her other interpersonal relationships as well. 

I would urge you to not bring that up to her though - wouldn't go well at all. Find a counselor that you can relate to soon.


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