# Are introverts unattractive?



## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Do you find introverts unattractive? I tend to be attracted to extroverts, but am an introvert.


After reading this book

http://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153

I've come to the conclusion that I'm somewhat introverted. This book kind of opened my eyes to a few of things:

1. There are shades of introversion and extroversion - just as not everyone can be classified as "party animal" or "hermit" a lot of introverts simply need time to recharge after spending time with people. I am not one of those introverts who is so good at mingling that people go "wow. You're an introvert? Really?" But I do enjoy going out sometimes in smallish groups or one on one with friends. 

2. There are ways of coping with being an introvert and still be successful while remaining true to your nature. 

3. In my marriage ( we are now separated ) my husband was an extrovert and I was an introvert. He liked going out more frequently than me and spending more time while out. This manifested for example when we went out with a couple he was friends with one time. We went out for lunch which lasted about 2 or 3 hours. For me, I would have assumed that was the end of it, but we then went to their place to hang out for another 2 or 3 hours. At that point I was so ready to go home (but hid it, naturally). My then husband would have been happy to stay for the rest of the day.

There is no right or wrong answer. A lot of couples are successfully introvert/introvert or extrovert/introvert or extrovert/extrovert and happily married. But I'm just curious for fellow divorce/separation folks, in your ending/ended relationship, were you or your spouse more extroverted? I tend to think as an introvert I am pretty unattractive because it takes me a while to come out of my shell. Men tend to be more drawn to bubbly, funny, open women, which I get because that's what I found attractive in the past. 

What has your experience been?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I find extreme cases of either unattractive. Me personally, I like women with an artistic flare. Whether it is musical, art, singing, or dancing.

I love throwing dinner parties,especially themed ones. I also like a day to myself to read, draw, or listen to music all day. I am somewhere in the middle. Your level of being an introvert would not take away from a person like me.


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

joannacroc said:


> Do you find introverts unattractive? I tend to be attracted to extroverts, but am an introvert.
> 
> 
> After reading this book
> ...



I think sometimes people confuse "introvert" with "Shy" or "lack of confidence". They should not be confused. Many people who are great leaders are introverts. I am an introvert, I am an entrepreneur and a leader in my field, I am completely comfortable leading a group of 200 people, etc... but prefer conversations with one or 2 people not parties. I am not shy, I state my opinion very clearly. 

My H is an extrovert but far more insecure than I am at stating his opinion. 

I think there are people for all types. Personally I am not attracted to insecure people, whether they are extro or intro - verted. People who seek validation from others, I find unattractive as well as arrogance. But self confidence, opinionated, open minded people can be found in both extroverted and introverted. 

I hope this helps! 

I think in marriage it's important to honour and know who we are. There is no reason we have to suck it up if our spouse wants to spend 5 hours having lunch. We can be honest, kind, and gracious while saying "I need to leave, it was great having lunch with you, you guys have a great time and see you later!".


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Keenwa said:


> Personally I am not attracted to insecure people, whether they are extro or intro - verted. People who seek validation from others, I find unattractive as well as arrogance.


:iagree:


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I just finished reading this book last week. It was very good. I especially like the chapter on children that are introverts, (I have two introverts and one extrovert). 

The author has done a TED talk that you might find fun to watch.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Isaac Newton died an asexual virgin. Einstein was a poonhound.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

You are right that introversion/ extroversion is a spectrum. Few people fall hard on the extremes but many have strong bias and some even in the middle. For the longest time I thought I was an introvert because I misunderstood what being an introvert was and I was raised with an idealistic few of independence that suggested running with the crowd was risky to your sense of self. Screwed up, but we can't help how we where brought up.


I have come to realize over time that being around other people actually brings out the best in me without any threat to my personal independence. In fact I am usually a leader in groups. I find that prolonged time being alone tends to bring about isolating, compulsive, and self destructive behaviors in me. I have come to see myself as someone that can 'get energy' either way but I really do need a balance of both, not necessarily equally and not always consistent either.

My wife is a hard introvert but you would never know it by meeting her with her vibrant personality but its all just BS. I gave up trying to get her to go out and do things a long time ago. This caused strain in our relationship and probably should have been dealt with earlier in some way. If either of the spouse is at the extreme it might be a challenge for any marriage.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Keenwa said:


> I think sometimes people confuse "introvert" with "Shy" or "lack of confidence". They should not be confused. Many people who are great leaders are introverts. I am an introvert, I am an entrepreneur and a leader in my field, I am completely comfortable leading a group of 200 people, etc... but prefer conversations with one or 2 people not parties. I am not shy, I state my opinion very clearly.


INTJ are phenomenal leaders, and they also happen to have the strongest introverted perceptions. They tend to sit back and passively observe, but when the opportunity or need for leadership arises, they come in with so much tact, prepared to lead.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Keenwa said:


> I think sometimes people confuse "introvert" with "Shy" or "lack of confidence". They should not be confused. Many people who are great leaders are introverts. I am an introvert, I am an entrepreneur and a leader in my field, I am completely comfortable leading a group of 200 people, etc... but prefer conversations with one or 2 people not parties. I am not shy, I state my opinion very clearly.
> .


^^ This

Intro / Extro is about where you get your energy from I used to think I was a heavily intro then I learned that my lack of confidence had nothing to do with it. That was a long time ago and I have no trouble in front of crowds, at parties, and in most situations. When I test on Myers Briggs I sometimes test I and sometimes E.

My wife is a pretty strong Intro but very charming and personable. But it takes an act of congress to get her out of the house. I don't think Intro/Extro is something to be attracted to but, as you suggested, it could cause friction by pulling the couple in different directions.


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## brokenguy (Sep 7, 2015)

joannacroc said:


> Do you find introverts unattractive? I tend to be attracted to extroverts, but am an introvert.


Nope, I have no issue with both.... still someone who can talk about the same topics with me is much better companion... or at least would listen....


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

I'm an extrovert. First husband was an introvert. When people say opposites attract, we were the prime example.

Second husband is an extrovert and we have more things in common, yet our personalities are very similar and we clash a lot.

First marriage lasted 21 years. The last year was hell due to his midlife crisis. Got along very well and had very few fights before MLC.

Second marriage was very passionate and therefore full of conflicts. Only lasted 5 years but separated 3 times during those 5 years. 

First marriage was a better match. Being opposites IMO helped in achieving harmony and getting along.

Bibi


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## imperfectworld (Jan 18, 2015)

My best personal example is when I, as an introvert, worked my way up to area governor at Toastmasters. I'd run a great meeting with 200 people and then be an awkward and clueless outsider at the food/drinks mingler afterward. 

I wish I'd been able to marry an extrovert. Would have brought out better things in me.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

I am an introvert and find extroverts very exhilarating.
My extrovert friends find me to be emphatic.

Both are good qualities to commingle in romantic relationships. They add mystery and challenge.

Extroverts crave to know the introverts' intellect, while the introverts craves to understand the extroverts' charisma.


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## free2beme14 (May 2, 2014)

I am a total introvert, and both of the men I married were extroverts. I am better than I used to be as far as being unable to carry on conversations with people I don't know well, but given a choice I would much rather focus my time and energy on a small group of people that I have known for a long time.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I'm an introvert, and I'm mainly attracted to other introverts for relationships. Yes, I'm also attracted to extroverts, but wouldn't want to live with one! Too energy-draining. They make good friends and dates (but not better than introverts - just different). Of the several awesome women I dated seriously, the extroverts couldn't compare to the depth of another introvert, in my experience. I married the introvert, and am glad I did.


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## Lone Shadow (Aug 5, 2014)

gouge_away said:


> INTJ are phenomenal leaders, and they also happen to have the strongest introverted perceptions. They tend to sit back and passively observe, but when the opportunity or need for leadership arises, they come in with so much tact, prepared to lead.


INTJ and proud!

Though sometimes, my death stare really does mean that I want you to take a long walk off a short pier.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I read the book last year. I am a generally introverted person, but I think a lot of that has more to do with my self esteem than with my personality. When I am in a comfortable situation, among friends in a familiar place I tend to open up.
My ex was an extrovert who thrived on attention and being the center of all things. Again,I think a lot of that had more to do with her lack of self esteem than it did with her personality. She thrived on the external validation that came from being liked by many. She had hundreds of FB friends. 
I don't think the introvert or the extrovert is necessarily more attractive than the other. I think it all comes down to genuineness. That comes from your self confidence and self esteem. Self confidence and self esteem are far more attractive than those lacking it.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Lone Shadow said:


> INTJ and proud!
> 
> Though sometimes, my death stare really does mean that I want you to take a long walk off a short pier.


We invented the caller ID and voicemail.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Seems like an odd title to this thread by the OP, making it seem like Introverts is a negative thing...

I think most people will have traits of both an introvert and an extrovert. Obviously the more dominant traits will push you closer to being classified as one or the other.

I would consider myself an extroverted introvert lol. I can be more extroverted when needed (work/clients, etc...) but am perfectly content being alone. I would definitely gravitate for someone who is more introverted, don't think I could handle being in a relationship with someone who is predominantly an extrovert.


Here is an excellent article talking about Introverts:

Playfully Tacky | Things You Should Know About Introverts


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

I find Optimistic Extroverts (sanguine) a favorable temperament, and Pessimistic Introverts (melancholic) to be very unattractive.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

I'm an introvert and so is my partner. I have to say that it works very well for us because we're very focused on each other and easily ignore distractions.

We both do very well in social crowds but find them draining and turn down a lot of invitations because we'd rather have quiet nights with each other rather than socialize in groups.

Personally, I have to admit that I tend to find a lot of extroverts a bit annoying sometimes...although that's very dependent on their personality. I have the misfortunate to have a couple of self-centered extroverts in my family who spend a LOT of time thinking/talking only about themselves. I also have a privacy thing and the extroverts I know generally have a hard time respecting that.

I can definitely say that for me, male introverts are the most attractive...just because I view them as quieter and more sensitive, loyal and devoted.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

EnigmaGirl said:


> I'm an introvert and so is my partner. I have to say that it works very well for us because we're very focused on each other and easily ignore distractions.
> 
> We both do very well in social crowds but find them draining and turn down a lot of invitations because we'd rather have quiet nights with each other rather than socialize in groups.
> 
> ...


3....2.....1.....Cue the hyper extrovert - ENTP and wouldn't change it for THE WORLD, we are just that cool!!! DUDE


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