# Addicted to MUDD



## KimatraAKM

So I've been playing this MUDD (text based role playing game) going on 18 years. It's been on and off though. I'll take 1-2yr breaks between playing, but it seems every spring I can't help it. I want to go back. What's the problem? My husband hates that I play because it sucks me in. I'll spend 2-3 hours a night playing. 

He gets mad because he wants me to watch tv with him instead. But after the kids are in bed I just want to sink and play my game. He calls me addicted to this game... And though to some degree it is addictive, I do stop anytime he says anything. I feel I have control over it and it's hurting no one. I mean other than that my husband hates it. I don't play while the kids are up, it's not endangering my life, so what's the problem right?

Wrong... It's a multiplayer role playing game and guess what.. People know me. People know me "very well" in the game. I have tons of male friends and a few female. Many people have ended up divorced and families torn apart after a player gets emotionally attached to someone online. I know the risks and don't get emotionally involved with anyone now that I'm married. Sure I have friends but none would be able to convince me to leave my marriage.

I was 15 when I started playing... I grew up playing this game. My first sexual experiences were in this game via cybersex. My first boyfriend was met through the game. Some of my scariest stalker stories were people in this game. And one of my most hated mistakes happened with someone from the game. 


So where am I going with this? My question is this... Am I addicted? Is my husband right? Am I endangering every thing I have for my nostalgia?


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## SamuraiJack

If you REALLY want to screw up your marriage...try World of Warcraft.

Mudders, Mushers and ORPG gamers tend to get a little too close to their games. 
Its the escapist quality.

I suggest you try to limit yourself since online gamers have a higher incidence of divorce.


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## KimatraAKM

This is worse than wow... I've tried wow... This game is worse. 

I still love playing It though.


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## Flying_Dutchman

If you're maintaining boundaries I don't see the harm in it.

It never fails to amaze me that people who, on average, watch 4 hours of TV a day love to accuse people who don't of being addicted to far more engaging pastimes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KimatraAKM

do you think that's why my husband hates the game? He's never played it. Calls me a dork for liking it. Used to make fun of me with his EA partner about it. I dunno. It's like the only thing that's been a constant for me. In it are people who have never let me down. my game has never cheated... It's always there for me. I grew up with it... If Im feeling depressed or lonely it cheers me up. It's the ultimate escape. There are even times I wish my husband would just go away so I could play more... But I've never said so. It's not like I spend all day every day doing it.

So why would he hate it so?


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## SamuraiJack

KimatraAKM said:


> do you think that's why my husband hates the game? He's never played it. Calls me a dork for liking it. Used to make fun of me with his EA partner about it. I dunno. It's like the only thing that's been a constant for me. In it are people who have never let me down. my game has never cheated... It's always there for me. I grew up with it... If Im feeling depressed or lonely it cheers me up. It's the ultimate escape. There are even times I wish my husband would just go away so I could play more... But I've never said so. It's not like I spend all day every day doing it.
> 
> So why would he hate it so?


Because he doesnt understand the draw...possibly feels threatened by it too.


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## Observer

As someone who use to be in high end raid guild (time suck) in WoW and another game at competition level, yes you are addicted. I would go in greater deatil but what would be the point...you are addicted and have no intention of giving it up until something makes you or get tired of it. My experience tells me I should of done a much better job using that time to spend with my then wife. He seems to be asking you to spend time with him and you are choosing the game instead. And your experience with said game, and the relationships you had in the past, probably does not sit well with him at all, which is understandable to me.


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## KimatraAKM

SamuraiJack said:


> Because he doesnt understand the draw...possibly feels threatened by it too.


That's probably true and excellent insight. Thank you. He doesn't know anything about this game other than that I love to play it. It's free to play now so I couldn't understand the issue. It's free! But he said he doesn't care if it's a million dollars a month. He doesn't like me spending so much time on it. I asked him why... He said because we have tv shows to watch.  He doesn't know about any of the relationships I had as a child in it. Well unless my mom told him... Which is likely now that I think of it.

I could stop... I mean If there was a real reason. If we were actually spending time together. Watching tv on separate couches is not spending time together to me. He doesn't talk to me. If I try and have a converstion he just tells me he's watching tv. Or plays games on his phone. When I mentioned he plays game too he said it's not the same. He said he can pause the game and talk to me. I can't really pause mine. I have to say goodbye to Everyone, get somewhere safe and then leave. Takes me 2-4 minutes sometimes. somehow me playing a game is not good. I dunno... Maybe I am addicted, but he hasn't given me a real reason to stop.


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## Shoto1984

Observer said:


> He seems to be asking you to spend time with him and you are choosing the game instead.


:iagree:

I played Evony for about a yr. I understand the draw. Choose your husband/marriage/family. If TV isn't your thing then find something else to do together.


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## meson

KimatraAKM said:


> do you think that's why my husband hates the game? He's never played it. Calls me a dork for liking it. Used to make fun of me with his EA partner about it. I dunno. _*It's like the only thing that's been a constant for me. In it are people who have never let me down. my game has never cheated... It's always there for me. I grew up with it... If Im feeling depressed or lonely it cheers me up. It's the ultimate escape. There are even times I wish my husband would just go away so I could play more*_... But I've never said so. It's not like I spend all day every day doing it.
> 
> So why would he hate it so?


Perhaps he recognizes it for what it is, an EA. You are investing emotional energy in something that competes with time with your husband. Look at my two posts in your other thread. You meet the definition. The bolded statements above are ones that are often said about the objects of EAs.


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## SamuraiJack

KimatraAKM said:


> That's probably true and excellent insight. Thank you. He doesn't know anything about this game other than that I love to play it. It's free to play now so I couldn't understand the issue. It's free! But he said he doesn't care if it's a million dollars a month. He doesn't like me spending so much time on it. I asked him why... He said because we have tv shows to watch.  He doesn't know about any of the relationships I had as a child in it. Well unless my mom told him... Which is likely now that I think of it.
> 
> I could stop... I mean If there was a real reason. If we were actually spending time together. Watching tv on separate couches is not spending time together to me. He doesn't talk to me. If I try and have a converstion he just tells me he's watching tv. Or plays games on his phone. When I mentioned he plays game too he said it's not the same. He said he can pause the game and talk to me. I can't really pause mine. I have to say goodbye to Everyone, get somewhere safe and then leave. Takes me 2-4 minutes sometimes. somehow me playing a game is not good. I dunno... Maybe I am addicted, but he hasn't given me a real reason to stop.


He has valid points.
If it takes you 4 minutes to get to safe spot and log off that will look like you are prioritizing the game over him.
One of the reasons my ex and I split was because she was devoting more and more time to her online game. He might also be scard that you will begin an EA...which is a VERY common thing in online gaming.

The pause button is a VERY good point. I dropped any online stuff the day my kids wandered out to the garage and asked me if I could come in and cook them lunch "because mommy is too busy with her game".
I left nearly half a million gold and all my epic mounts and rare pets...and dropped out of WOW. 
Yes, I said nearly half a million.
I ruled the auction house.

Maybe you should cut it back a bit, then come up to his couch and say "Scooch over butter butt! Mama wants to snuggle!"

Just for the fun of it or some variation try it and see how he responds.


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## Blondilocks

He wants to feel that you are spending time with him. Being in the same room and completely engulfed in your game is not spending time with him. It's called a game for a reason - it isn't real life. It's a game! Don't let it replace live interaction for you. 

Even if you don't talk during the tv show, you are both storing that memory so you'll have a shared reference point for a future convo.


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## Cabsy

Watching TV together is no more of a bonding experience than playing games together, really. It's about doing things together and sharing that experience. I would argue that games can be an even more interactive experience, and there are plenty of co-op and social games out there.

But it sounds like you are not sharing in anything, and maybe I'm wrong, but it seems like this may be your escape from everything... including him. Lots of guy friends in your online game there, too, eh? Not surprised. Not healthy.

Given your strong personal feelings and emotional attachment, and your history with this game, my advice to him would be not to tolerate your behavior. It isn't healthy... certainly not for your relationship, and probably not for you, either (as much as you probably don't want to let it go).

He is basically asking for your time, and you are showing no interest in a shared activity, blowing him off, and playing your game by yourself. I have had this happen to me and it sucks. It slowly destroyed our relationship and ultimately she had an affair. Every night was her staring at her f*ing phone. I get angry just thinking about it.

A lot of single player games can be paused or quicksaved, as mentioned previously. Many problems arise from games that require activity at a given time/place and/or do not allow you to stop on demand (e.g. MMOs). This forces you to make choices which are based around your game, and often, the game will win at the expense of anyone/anything that's real in your life.

I'm a life-long gamer. I get it... but seriously, your tone screams that even you know this is a problem. So stop playing, or at least play less, and... I don't know... spend some time with your husband? TV, co-op video games, maybe sex? Or just play your MUDD every chance you get, collect your online kibbles, and reap the RL consequences.


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## AliceA

Yes, you're obviously addicted. It's damaging your relationship with your husband yet you can't make yourself even want to stop. As a gamer myself, I know exactly what it's like. What hurts him the most is that you'd prefer to spend your time with other people, many of whom you haven't even seen, then spend your time with him. It's not like you're addicted to solitaire. 

Right at the crux of it, you just don't want to spend your time with him, and he knows it, and it hurts. I know because I've been that person. All the excuses about how TV is just as bad, blah blah blah, how you're not really being 'together' etc; you know they're just ways to avoid admitting the truth. The more you want to avoid your life, the more you play your alternate life. The game isn't about having fun, it's about avoiding living your actual life. Life is hard. Connecting with a partner you don't feel that close to anymore is hard. Making yourself search for a way to re-establish that connection is hard. It's so much easier to avoid all of it.


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## FormerSelf

It sounds like you are relying on this game for a lot of your social interaction...and as much as you would like to give it up...you husband's desire to constantly watch TV leaves you in a big pit of intolerable loneliness.

The problem, which you have said several times, is that you grew up playing this game, which more or less ingrained it in you to use it as something to you run back to for emotional needs. Yes, it is nice having distractions and hobbies, but this is robbing from the marriage. I think you realize by now that giving it up creates complications because you are missing out on the "relationships" and the interactions with those you feel are a part of your community, versus a H you love, but his idea of togetherness is sitting together to watch the tube.

Your giving up the game is going to have to be a joint effort. There needs to be some sort of plan in place where you can "detox" from the game and not stew in your own juices because there is nothing going on. Now the harshness of giving up an addiction is that nothing can truly replace the highs and lows you experience...so that makes a dull marital situation feel so intolerable. But there are things that a couple can do together to rebuild their relationship, recreate new memories and neural pathways...so that you are living a whole new, exciting, and happy marriage.

Yet this will require a major overhaul. You need to walk away from the game and not go back even if it feels like your face is melting off. Your husband needs to snap out of the idea that zombie activities such as television is unacceptable as the main focus of togetherness. You guys need to start going out to support groups, clubs, out for walks, join the gym together...anything that is drawing you two into real social interaction with each other, not to mention establish a hopeful situation that you can work towards.

I'm interested to know why springtime is when that desire to game returns.


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## Seeker40

I realize this is an older thread, but I have a lot of experience with this. Posting in case this is still a concern or someone else wanders across this thread. I started playing MUDs in the late 80's and continued with various MUDs/MMOs for decades. At times it was my life - if I wasn't working, I was playing. When I got married, this became a very sore topic. I had friends and history wrapped up in my online games.

What I came to realize is that my partner had to take priority over my gaming. It wasn't easy. When things got rough in the marriage, I would find my way back to the games I loved. In the end, I stopped playing online games. I needed to be able to pause the game, put it down, turn it off, whenever I needed to focus on meeting my partner's and the marriage needs. 

If you can set boundaries, where your partner agrees that it's okay for you to play during certain dates/times, then maybe you can get it to work. For me, even if I got an agreement from my partner, she still resented it and led to unnecessary tension. That was her issue (If I'd been studying languages or music she wouldn't have had an issue with it) but it wasn't worth the tension in my marriage to continue playing online games.

To answer the original question if it's addiction - I don't know. It really depends on how you define addiction. Does it negatively affect your work or relationships? If it does, then it's still something that needs to be addressed.


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## FeministInPink

The OP hasn't posted anything on any of her threads (or anywhere else on TAM) since mid-March... I doubt we'll see her again.


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## KimatraAKM

Thanks for everyone's insight... Yeah I kept playing..

And the inevitable happened.


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## Lloyd Dobler

What's the inevitable? You had an affair, or your husband left?


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## KimatraAKM

The first one.


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## Acoa

Are you reconciling with your H? It may be difficult waters to wade into, but you may want to put your story in coping with infidelity. You may get some 'aggressive advice', but if you can handle it, it's your best chance at saving your marriage. 

Assuming you want to.


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## KimatraAKM

I appreciate your advice. I've scaled back on playing my MUDD and we're working on our relationship.


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## KimatraAKM

I didn't have a full blown affair. I just had a week or two where I got kinda caught in fantasy online. No I love yous exchanged or anything. Just pm discussion of how easily we could if we didn't watch out. 

I have since cut that person completely off and blocked every form of communication with them. My heart is in finding out if hubs and I have anything worth saving. There's Lots and lots and lots of backstory.


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## Acoa

KimatraAKM said:


> I didn't have a full blown affair. I just had a week or two where I got kinda caught in fantasy online. No I love yous exchanged or anything. Just pm discussion of how easily we could if we didn't watch out.
> 
> I have since cut that person completely off and blocked every form of communication with them. My heart is in finding out if hubs and I have anything worth saving. There's Lots and lots and lots of backstory.



Might be best to stop playing all together for a month. Not for your H, just for you. To prove to yourself you can, and to break the dopamine cycle. Once you are 3 weeks or so out from those effects you'll think much more clearly about a number of things.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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