# Sexually frustrated



## Naturalover (Dec 3, 2020)

I have been married for 10 years now. I am 39 years old and my wife is 53. I don’t even know where to start but want everyone to understand where I’m coming from. We both come from terrible marriages before we got together. When we got together we were having great sex. Several times a week sometimes more than once a day. I taught and did things to her she never imagined or had done... till this day she calls me daddy!! I’ve never had an issue in bed with anyone I have been with nor have I had this issue I’m getting to. It started a few years ago... we would fight all the time about the kids and us... we would threaten to divorce one another and never went through with paying for the divorce. I almost moved out waiting for an apartment and by the time the apartment was available things had calmed down. I still asked if she wanted me to leave and she said NO! The kids are not mine and you would never know if I didn’t tell you. They have called me dad months after moving in and we have been a family as we should ever since. I have a daughter from my previous marriage and no other children. My ex wife is 52. I was 18 when we got together and she was 28 I believe. That is another story that needs to be written and will be a best time seller!! Back to current wife; we stopped having sex being mad at one another and I learned to deal with it. Being angry so much taught me to not want sex from her. Over the years we have gained weight. Her more than me and we have still had sex at least once per year for the last 4 years. She says I don’t initiate and that’s BS I have tried and it’s been she’s not feeling good so I stopped trying... I told her she can initiate since I never know when she is feeling good. We use to watch porn, touch and feel now it’s just dead. She suffers from crohns. I am not that un sympathetic guy that doesn’t care and will take from her or anyone in that situation or any other situation. I don’t nor did I get angry about not having sex... it just got to a point where it was don’t even bother with it... I thought telling her she can take anytime she wants would have made it better. I can’t imagine the pain and constant issues she has. I’m like a baby with a stomach ach and here she is for years going through this.. I suffer from 2 failed back surgeries, have been diagnosed with degenerative disc disease, burcitas, sacroiliitis, sciatic nerve damage.. I am constantly in pain but I get around and do more than I should. I just can’t lay around and be lazy. Pain is the last thing on my mind having sex. Afterwards I’m gonna feel it but it’s like one of those days you go to work and we’re up half the night having sex or talking to someone you like. Your tired but was well worth the time. I’m going crazy at this point... of course I have taken care of myself and it’s not the same I miss being with a women. I’m a man for heaven sake... I shouldn’t have to take care of myself... I’m not a bad looking guy and I know how to please a women in every way... never ever had a complaint... just saying not to toot my own horn... It’s on my mind all the time and I can’t shake it... I love my wife and we are in a good place but the lack of sex has me wanting a friend with benefits. I don’t want to leave my wife I don’t want to flaunt or get caught with another women, but I need sex from a women... I am here posting this if it doesn’t show I am reaching out for some type of help. I thought it was me at first , maybe low T. Then I noticed I just wanted to have sex with everyone... in my mind I’m saying yay, nah, ah why not. That’s when I knew it wasn’t me. Lost and do not know what to do. She tells me I have girl friends jokingly, women always talk to me. I’ve always been good with the opposite sex and she’s known this from the beginning. Sometimes I feel like she wants me to have a girlfriend but not know. If I go to the store for a cigar it’s tell your girlfriend I said hi... or something... I can go out to a car meet, stay out all night, whatever I want. I come home to no sex... live with no sex!!
Does anyone else have similar issues and what have you don’t to fix or rectify?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Has your W already, or is now going through menopause?

What might her problems be with you?


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## Naturalover (Dec 3, 2020)

Yes I apologize she is in menopause and she says she has no issues with me.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

You both have a slew of medical problems. So this is a problem right off the bat. For her, once menopause is over, she may get her drive back, back with a vengeance, or not at all.

There is also a lot of need for therapy here, probably personal as well as couples. If for no other reason, to learn how to communicate better. Relationship skills are exactly that; skills. They actually have to be learned.

One thing you need to ask her point blank is if she is serious about the girlfriend. She might be serious about allowing you to get that need provided for. Here is the important part. This will NOT fix your marriage. It may take the stress off one area to make it easier to fix it. Or it may end up finishing it off. A lot depends on what she is hoping to do. If you do determine that she is serious about it, then I highly recommend that you go to Touch of Flavor and read up on how to make it all work ethically and to work _with _her on it. I'm going to say this again. This is NOT the fix for the marriage. There is a lot of issues that you two need to work on.

I have seen plenty of May/December relationships, even with the woman being the older. Some work great, others only last so long. All the successful ones took _work_, more so than those where the couple were closer in age. I will say the poly ones tended to fare better, because needs got met all around. But they still took work because poly takes work. Whatever you do, unless you are ready to end this relationship, don't go behind her back. If a sex life is important to you and she can't/won't do the open or poly things, then be prepared to walk away. If she is important to you and can't/won't do open/poly, be prepared to do without sex.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Once the sex ship leaves the port....it almost never comes back, or will come back with a broken hull and stripped prop....not the least bit worthy of a slow drift in the pond..

I think you have to resign yourself to this fact, and if by some miracle you become the one in a blue moon, great, but if its really that important you are probably gonna have to trade her rather than play her...

Otherwise just figure out a way to best get by...Some guys spend the rest of their lives with porn and kleenex, some get something going on the side, and some just leave and let the chips fall..I am not advocating any of these options, just relaying that its what you have in front of you right now...pick wisely...


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## Naturalover (Dec 3, 2020)

hamadryad said:


> Once the sex ship leaves the port....it almost never comes back, or will come back with a broken hull and stripped prop....not the least bit worthy of a slow drift in the pond..
> 
> I think you have to resign yourself to this fact, and if by some miracle you become the one in a blue moon, great, but if its really that important you are probably gonna have to trade her rather than play her...
> 
> Otherwise just figure out a way to best get by...Some guys spend the rest of their lives with porn and kleenex, some get something going on the side, and some just leave and let the chips fall..I am not advocating any of these options, just relaying that its what you have in front of you right now...pick wisely...


I completely agree and have come to the conclusion I’m ****ed and not by her!! I never imagined not having sex... especially being married... something has to give and me by myself is not cutting it. That’s BS and for the birds!


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Not having sex for the rest of your life at 39 is... hard. No pun intended. My wife withdrew from our sex life and I was left like a lemon at the age of 57, so I can imagine at 39. I don't think you have many alternatives. It's clear to me that the menopause is responsible to a certain extent and I doubt she'll get her drive back. If she is able to have sex despite her ailments, then you are right to be upset. But this is life. You either stay, suck it up and spend your life with porn and kleenex like someone else said, or just divorce. At 39 I know what I would do.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Naturalover said:


> I completely agree and have come to the conclusion I’m ****ed and not by her!! I never imagined not having sex... especially being married... something has to give and me by myself is not cutting it. That’s BS and for the birds!


Grow up. The fact you're approaching a normal stage in adult marriages with such a self centered attitude only reflects you're the weak link. Not her.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Grow up. The fact you're approaching a normal stage in adult marriages with such a self centered attitude only reflects you're the weak link. Not her.


So, what do you suggest? Apart from calling the OP the "weak link"? I think he knows this, because he has said so.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

When OP didn't mention the fact his W is going through menopause right off the bat is too much an indicator he's looking for validation. Not effective solutions. 

I believe he needs to see he's not really as smart as he thinks he is. The fact he's so self centered is the first problem he should acknowledge. 

And if he carries that attitude through other relationship components he's making his Ws life miserable and that should be corrected first.

Or without his immediate improvement W should take the reigns and plan on leaving this child.

Let's see if OP honestly owns this and shows he wants things to improve when he understands he is the problem. 

Or if he just blows smoke. 

His waking up to the fact others see through the smokescreen more that he realizes is first step.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

And many others here (and everywhere) have the same experience in their own marriages.



In Absentia said:


> But this is life. You either stay, suck it up and spend your life with porn and kleenex like someone else said, or just divorce. At 39 I know what I would do.


Those are the basic choices. As others have said, trying to "fix" your marriage usually has no results. My advice, added to the others, is choose Door #1, or Door #2. However, a divorce will have far-reaching effects on all your children.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Grow up. The fact you're approaching a normal stage in adult marriages with such a self centered attitude only reflects you're the weak link. Not her.


"Normal stage" in a healthy marriage isn't sex once a year...probably with a gun to her head....Not on this planet....

All kinds of women deal with menopause and don't let it affect their sex life....Menopause doesn't just signal the end of a woman's sexuality...Just like many guys have ED and take an active role in trying to fix it....When one person in the relationship fails to take action, then it's clear they no longer want it....And that's fine, I am not advocating anyone do anything they don't want to, especially in this area..but then be ready to accept the consequences.....Its not about how the other person should just pound sand and accept it, because some people say it's a normal stage of adult marriage...That's nonsense....02


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> His waking up to the fact others see through the smokescreen more that he realizes is first step.


This has been going on a few years... they had sex once a year in the last 4 years. I call this being patient. I think you are being really harsh on him.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

hamadryad said:


> "Normal stage" in a healthy marriage isn't sex once a year...probably with a gun to her head....Not on this planet....
> 
> All kinds of women deal with menopause and don't let it affect their sex life....Menopause doesn't just signal the end of a woman's sexuality...Just like many guys have ED and take an active role in trying to fix it....When one person in the relationship fails to take action, then it's clear they no longer want it....And that's fine, I am not advocating anyone do anything they don't want to, especially in this area..but then be ready to accept the consequences.....Its not about how the other person should just pound sand and accept it, because some people say it's a normal stage of adult marriage...That's nonsense....02


Idiocy.

Edited: I put down my immediate response first, had to change. Really should have commented on content.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

hamadryad said:


> cmon buddy, you certainly can do better than that..."idiot"...ok poopy pants.. 😂
> 
> You want to blame him for picking a much older woman, id buy that....But what scenario of "healthy marriage" means a withdrawal completely of sex?? Did she do anything to correct or deal with this, or is she just going to let him deal with the elephant in the room? Is there more to this story from another thread this guy started that you know and no one else does??


Who's blaming him for picking an older woman? Answer that.

Your response containing "she, she, she" puts your understanding in OPs level of self centered.

There is no asking by OP on how "we" can improve but he's ready to exit as it's so apparent to him he's being abused.

Please.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> This has been going on a few years... they had sex once a year in the last 4 years. I call this being patient. I think you are being really harsh on him.


His post reeks of his belief she is the only problem and it could never be anything he could improve on. 

His buyers remorse is showing.


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## Naturalover (Dec 3, 2020)

Some of you are hilarious... I’m laying in my bed trying my best to give all the facts... I apologized right away when asked about menopause... I have nothing to lie about... and yes I only spoke about the last 4 years it’s more like 7 years I’ve been feeling like this... you people talking about I’m selfish must be the ones with issues and not getting any!!! I’m use to an active sex life so 4 or 7 years to me is more than enough time to either ride the rodeo or get a limp D from lack of sex. How did you guys miss the part with me saying I love my wife and don’t won’t to leave her!! You just heard the I’m frustrated and it reminded you of someone leaving you, probably still don’t have sex do ya? I’m entitled to have sex I’m not asking for my back to get better, just once or twice a week I could be satisfied... please don’t call the kettle black and you be orgasming all week I want some also!!! Some of y’all are crazy you hear what you want... Ive never spoke about this to anyone anywhere so by all means go searching!! I know y’all got left or have a miserable relationship... the other person can not be happy they fake it. Because you have so much negative to say and leave out the good!!! 
How am I self centered... I’ve expressed how I’m complaining she is hurt and her issues... am I not allowed to have my own feelings? 

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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> His post reeks of his belief she is the only problem and it could never be anything he could improve on.
> 
> His buyers remorse is showing.


I agree he doesn't "shine" in his post, but there is a serious problem there and it cuts both ways. And if he is a "child", why is his wife putting up with him? I would have left such a whinger... or what about "punishing" him by withdrawing sex and doing absolutely **** all about it?


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## Naturalover (Dec 3, 2020)

Hahaha I swear you guys are the same stuck up people running around the world... so this is all you read? This wasn’t written to please anyone... I simply said what was going on and even tried not to sound conceited. You don’t know how my bedroom life is so I explained... I don’t take back anything I said it’s all true and I didn’t join to explain myself. I joined to get help.. genuine help from real people going through same or similar issues! 


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Who's blaming him for picking an older woman? Answer that.
> 
> Your response containing "she, she, she" puts your understanding in OPs level of self centered.
> 
> ...


No one is blaming him, I only brought that up in the sense that often when you pick a partner with a significant age gap, then perhaps these types of things become more of an issue...Maybe if he was 57 and not 39 this would not be an issue...His drive may tank, can't get it up, and the both of them can sit around and watch Jeopardy and the evening news, complain about their ailments, take their meds, and live out the rest of their lives...But they picked each other so it is what it is...

And yes, you are correct...in this case,(just like any other poster that starts a thread) though we can only go by what a poster says...We don't get the other side of it..There could be more to the story for sure...but without that info, its all speculation...

Bottom line is that when one partner withdraws, and makes no effort to correct it. then the message is clear...Their actions are speaking louder than words..They are telling you that it's over(that aspect of the relationship)... What he chooses to do about it is what he has to decide,I guess...He obviously isn't on the same page..


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

At this point in her life, with the feedback from her childlike H the W is really had to deal with H hurting her self confidence and believes him when he keeps telling her something is wrong with her.

That is crushing her confidence to leave. And if she feels financially dependent double whammy.

This is the hardest stage part in an age gap M where the male is younger.

She's showing her age, the male starts to believe he now has better choices with younger women, all with the confidence and improvements in his life that she fostered.

This is common. All the OPs focus reflects that's where he's at.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Naturalover said:


> I never imagined not having sex... especially being married.


But, is that expectation mutual? I've known for decades that my spouse, based on her family of origin, fully expected to be sexless before 40. I'm not sure that expectation is very unique.


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## Naturalover (Dec 3, 2020)

Lmao you guys have issues... I clearly stated I don’t won’t to leave and I love my wife... I never said anything about younger women. I never put her down or ask for it if you read the entire post. We don’t even talk about it anymore... 

REDACTED BY MODERATOR. 
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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Have you tried marriage counseling? I don't know why you keep picking older women; but, you have to realize that as people age and deal with the infirmities visited on them that their sex drive is likely to diminish. You also need to realize that you are not a prime physical specimen yourself so the grass may not be greener for you. Add in your lack of basic math skills ( ) and you might be better off right where you are. Good luck.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Naturalover said:


> Lmao you guys have issues... I clearly stated I don’t won’t to leave and I love my wife... I never said anything about younger women. I never put her down or ask for it if you read the entire post. We don’t even talk about it anymore...
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


And this is an example of your communication skills when talking with your W?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Naturalover said:


> I never put her down


Well...



Naturalover said:


> we would threaten to divorce one another


...that seems like a put down if you ask me. 

Generally speaking some people are not good at forgiving someone once something hurtful has been said and afterwards they will harbor resentment for a long time. Some personalities even tend to amplify and reverberate past trauma in ways that continue to do more damage. 

Long story short, don't ever threaten divorce unless you are serious and willing to go through with it. Otherwise you could damage your marriage if a little financial strain is all it takes you to make you stop and reconsider. That then creates a second insult that comes across like, "honey I would divorce you but it is not worth the money, so I guess we will stay married."

You might want to work on trying to repair that scar.

Badsanta


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## 347055 (Nov 7, 2020)

hamadryad said:


> All kinds of women deal with menopause and don't let it affect their sex life....Menopause doesn't just signal the end of a woman's sexuality...Just like many guys have ED and take an active role in trying to fix it....When one person in the relationship fails to take action, then it's clear they no longer want it....


Ask the wife to see a gynecologist who will deal with hormone issues, maybe her gyn doesn't believe in replacemet, find one who does. If her hormones get straightened out you may return to what things were like when you first met, problem solved. I am surprised she hasn't taken action on her own, most women these days don't tolerate the hot flashes, night sweats, irritability, low libido and other problems from menopause. My wife went to her gyn when she experienced beginning of menopause years ago and has been treated successfully every since. Your wife must know things aren't right and ought to be active trying to fix them.


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## Naturalover (Dec 3, 2020)

Let me clarify... I never threatened a divorce over sex... we threatened one another with divorce from fighting over the kids as I said and not getting along. 


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## Naturalover (Dec 3, 2020)

Before we moved to Carolina she was seeing a dr. That we loved.. she was on point and gave meds that helped with issue at that time...


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It's good that you continue to be open minded to others' viewpoints as you look for support and help, to help your marriage, and thus yourself. 

You'll find both here, some opinions you'll like, some you won't. That's human nature. 

How you handle opposing viewpoints will show a lot about you. 

Some focus will be on what's best for you, some focus will be and should be on what's best for M, and that includes the W.

Every one wants a good outcome for your situation. 
Some Ms are better to end. Other Ms will respond to improvements by both spouses, or just one spouse, and a happier and stronger M.

That said, it takes two to tango so no one ever believes it's always the other spouse in posts.
That's not an absolute but is fairly limited to cheaters and deniers.

The more details you share the more accurate the advice gets. And remember only you know the exact circumstances so take what's helpful and leave the rest.

One of the best things an OP gains is different objective viewpoints, outside an OPs bubble.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Basic math: You were 18 and ex-wife 28 when you met. You are now 39 and she is 52? Riddle me that.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Basic math: You were 18 and ex-wife 28 when you met. You are now 39 and she is 52? Riddle me that.


That was his first wife?


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## Naturalover (Dec 3, 2020)

I appreciate all the advise and criticism thank you everyone! 


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> That was his first wife?





Naturalover said:


> My ex wife is 52. I was 18 when we got together and she was 28 I believe.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

The thing about this thread is that I go back and read the original post, and the more I read it the less sense it makes. It sounds like you miss having sex, but you don't really care to have sex with your wife nor anyone else. 

If sex and your wife are both important to you, then just do what you need to do to make your marriage work. It is usually not easy and requires a great deal of self development. There are no quick fixes that allow for instant gratification. If you and your wife have fought, argued, and threatened divorce (for reasons that have nothing to do with sex), then you will have to do what it takes to undo and heal from that damage.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

She has a bad disease. Disease drains you. It can just sap your strength and desire. So I'm glad the OP is at least taking that into consideration. That said, just seems like the ship has sailed. 

There's so much to consider in divorce. Can you both make a living or would that leave your wife on the street with a bad disease and no way to keep a roof over her head? I mean, you know there are more important considerations here than you two having sex if you care about someone and truly love them as a person. 

It does almost sound like she's giving tacit approval for you to find sex elsewhere, but as much as she's rather not hear about it, you'd need to consider what I said above about whether she can survive without you because you might meet someone you wanted to keep being with, though not as likely is you're honest with who you sleep with about being married. If she thinks you ARE banging someone, then that is only going to make her position on sex with you even more remote (disease possibilities). 

Are you even the kind of guy who would enjoy casual sex like with a hooker or the kind of woman who would have sex with a married guy? Or would you also be looking for a connection?


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## Naturalover (Dec 3, 2020)

I would never pay for sex to me that is pathetic... I have to have some type of connection... or interest... I have heard of married women having boyfriends or benefits in their marriage. I’m not the pushy type to be all over a women for sex and she says no... it’s always been mutual. I never want a women to feel disrespected or say I forced her or anything remotely close to that... I know guys that say f that.. I’m taking it.. they don’t care about sickness, time of month, NOTHING!!! That’s not me.. I want it to always be wanted! Not a chore or I guess... I want it to be please take me or yes take me... 


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Could your wife survive if you divorced her?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

What if you sat down and said, “I can’t live without sex anymore. What should we do about that?”


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Spicy said:


> What if you sat down and said, “I can’t live without sex anymore. What should we do about that?”


He would come across as a crass individual who only cares about sex and wants his wife only for sex.


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## Naturalover (Dec 3, 2020)

I have told my wife when we did sit down and we have talked about this several times throughout the years. It always leads to her health and let’s not forget menopause. I would never say that to her I know for a fact the person she is she would break down. That is not my intention nor do I want that. She is very sensitive and has been through a lot in life. I’m not making an excuse but I understand what she’s gone through. Sex has never been an issue for us. Even with chrons it was a waiting game and when she felt better we would take that time... 


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

As just an FYI, at 39 if you are in good shape, are reasonably decent looking, are gainfully employed, have good social skills etc etc, you could get with women in their late 20s-early 30s that will have a good 20+ years left in them.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Naturalover said:


> I have told my wife when we did sit down and we have talked about this several times throughout the years. It always leads to her health and let’s not forget menopause. I would never say that to her I know for a fact the person she is she would break down. That is not my intention nor do I want that. She is very sensitive and has been through a lot in life. I’m not making an excuse but I understand what she’s gone through. Sex has never been an issue for us. Even with chrons it was a waiting game and when she felt better we would take that time...
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Here you say quote: sex has never been an issue for us.

That's an about face from other posts and certainly from the thread title.

What's up with that?


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## Naturalover (Dec 3, 2020)

Sex has never been an issue from the first few years being together. 


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

IME, having a W make digs about having a GF is a way to shame you. It's saying "sex is so important to you; you're a pig for making it an issue and making our marriage suck because of the tension."

My guess is he's detaching to cope and she's unhappy about it, thus the shaming. She doesn't want to meet his needs, but wants him around regardless. Maybe she is dependent on him (or at least his provision makes her life much nicer)?

That's exactly how it went for me. XW didn't want sex but really liked having a nice house, car, money to burn. 

The OP would be smart to evaluate why his wife remains with him and take it from there. Personally, I don't care how much I love someone. If the other person is sticking around for comfort or convenience, it's over... immediately.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Naturalover said:


> Sex has never been an issue from the first few years being together.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Apparently it is.


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