# Need advice



## DT123

I will try to make this short, but I do not want to leave anything out, so here we go.

Call me DT and my wife MT. We have been married for 9 years in November. We have two children under 8 and we are both 29 years old. We were high school sweet hearts and even moved form our home town to go to the same college. Things were great. We got engaged and then pregnant before we finished school. We got married and then came back to our home town and I got a job to start our new life. We struggled financially for the first few years, but we had each other and our happiness.

About five years ago I became very complacent in our relationship. My life became a routine and I slowly edged MT out of it. I have never been unfaithful. I don't even go to bars or strip clubs, but I have not been a good husband for a while. We have had our fair share of arguments and in the heat of it she will tell me about how I am distant and it hurts her. How I never tell her she is pretty any more or that I love her. Only problem is that I am very prideful and do not like to admit I am at fault. I do not like to hear all my issues when we are fighting. After we calm down, I will ask her to talk to me when I have hurt her and it will have a better reaction than it does when we fight. This cycle has been in effect a while.

My family is also a part of the problem we have. My mother and sister were nice to her in the beginning, but have since turned on her. They argue with her and are sometimes just rude. I do not like confrontation and try to allow them to work through it, but MT sees it as me not supporting her.

Now here is the hard part. Last Easter, my sister and brother-in-law invited a friend (call him Joe) of theirs over who was going through a divorce. He was in a very bad place and was struggling to cope. My wife and I were very kind to him and made him feel welcome. After we left I noticed that they were friends on a social media site. It struck me as odd, but I did not think anything of it because I have always trusted my wife completely. MT is a huge fan of a certain TV show and so was Joe, so I figured they were just chatting about that. For a long time that is all it was.

MT’s birthday was last month and she went out with her friends for the night. One of her friends is my cousin’s wife Shelly. They saw Joe at the place they were hanging out at and invited him and his friends to join them. After they left the sports bar, they went to a friend’s house and all hung out. The next day she told me that she had bumped into Joe at the bar with Shelly and he was even worse than he was at Easter. Behind my back she started texting him and trying to help him. He became very infatuated with my wife and started to let her know how he felt. She initially was just flattered and told him to not say things like that, (ie you are so beautiful, how has God given me the capacity to view such beauty etc.) For the last month, they have been in constant contact. He has told her all the things I had neglected to say and she felt good about herself.

I noticed a change in her and also noticed that Joe was coming around the family a lot more. We had not seen him at a family function since Easter, but after the night at the bar he showed up two weeks in a row and my family’s Sunday get together. MT asked me to help her do an update on her cell phone which required it to be unlocked. I took that opportunity to see if she had been texting him and she had. I read through most of them and saw that he was already in love with MT and she was a little confused, but definitely had strong feelings. I also saw that they had met up on nights when she was doing a grocery run and had kissed both of those nights. I found three letters he wrote her and they were very heart felt and flattering. 

I know that the physical connection never made it passed a couple kisses, but she did form a certain bond. She says it is confusing, because Joe feels like a close friend to her but I know it was more. She told me that she did not want to get a divorce and that it was a mistake. She is so embarrassed and disgusted with what she did. I know deep down that if I had been there for her emotionally, been more affectionate, and just talked to her & cared more, the chances of this happening drop dramatically. 

After a couple days of dealing with my own hurt and owning my own mistakes, I have started to try and mend the relationship. I am doing small things like taking her lunch at work on my own lunch break (which I have never done), giving her back rubs and hugs, and other things of that nature. We haven’t kissed or been intimate though. She does receive the gestures but always seems kind of out of it. I ask her if I am coming on too strong or just making her uncomfortable. She says that I can do what I want to, but the nice things make her feel bad and that she doesn’t deserve them. I keep telling her that I am motivated and awakened by the situation and want to take try hard to find our happiness again. She keeps telling me he is just grieving and that it is going to take her a while to be right with things.

My issue is that I may have been a terrible husband, but she has chosen to stay and I love her way too much to let her go. But if she wants to be with me and keep our family together, how long am I to wait for her to grieve. I feel like she spends more time grieving then trying to make me happy. I am the only one working on us and I didn’t kiss another. I fear that if I continue to try and show her affection and I can see her seem hollow, I will start to resent the fact that she is not trying to work on us. Is this a normal reaction? Should I stop trying so hard? I have neglected her for so long now and I finally realize it. I am so motivated to regain that love we had in the beginning, but I just don’t know if she is. I do not know if she can find the bond with me that she is choosing to walk away from with Joe. Does it seem like she wants to be with me or is just too embarrassed to have people realize the truth about her infidelity? 
Please offer any advice you can. I was not successful in keeping it short and am sorry. I will answer any more questions if it seems like I left something out or anyone needs more info on me. Just not sure if I am making the right moves for reconciliation or not…


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## accept1

You have to confront her. Or better still confront Joe and tell him to keep away. If they are not prepared to do this then you have to seriously think about divorce.


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## DT123

Sorry, I forgot to mention that I told him he needed to stay away, stop speaking with her and to stay away from my family. That he was not welcome near any of us anymore.


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## tracyishere

Been there. If you want to prove you have changed, it could take months before she will accept that you have. People cannot change overnight.


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## DT123

I am willing to wait months for her to accept that I have changed, but how long do I have to wait for her to show that she is sorry? She keeps saying she feels bad, but I have yet to receive an honest, heart felt apology. I feel like I am trying to comfort her through this situation when she was the unfaithful one. Is this normal? Just looking for someone who has experienced something like this.


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## tracyishere

My H never apologized until after he was convinced he wanted to stay. This took 8 months. 8 months of my consistent love, affection and devotion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DT123

tracyishere said:


> My H never apologized until after he was convinced he wanted to stay. This took 8 months. 8 months of my consistent love, affection and devotion.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you do not mind my asking, did he sever ties immediately? I think she is still talking to Joe while I am at work.


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## tracyishere

Nope. He told me he wanted a divorce in September, I didn't find out about the affair until march, he didnt stop talking to her until April. When I literally gave him my ring back and said its either me or her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DT123

Well I have not done a huge "Line in the Sand" ultimatum, but I told her that if she is choosing to be with me, then she needs to stop all contact. I know she hasn't because I can see incoming and outgoing calls to his number on my cell call logs.


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## hereinthemidwest

Thou you said you felt they were still talking to Joe while you were at work. HMMM Thou not showing up on your cell bill? Could he be coming to your house, get a new number or maybe communcation is done on computer? I WOULD WATCH IT. If your gut says something wrong...listen.


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## DT123

No, I can see that they are calling each other on the cell logs. The website updates it frequently, and I have looked at it a few times since I asked her to stopped the communication, but I see his number on their.


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## tracyishere

Why haven't you given an ultimatum? Don't you think you're worth it?


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## DT123

I just thought that me asking her to break off communication if she wanted to continue would be enough. I am clearly naive. I guess it is ultimatum time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tracyishere

She needs that or she may never choose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DT123

Ok, I guess I am just terrified I might force her into leaving. Ill have to see how it will go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch

Sorry you here. You seem a bit behind in the subject. These books will let you do a little catch up...

Get these two books today and make a plan...

Amazon.com: Surviving an Affair eBook: Willard F. Harley Jr

and from brother member Athol...

Amazon.com: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 

Here are the sites to explore

A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

Married Man Sex Life


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## tracyishere

The alternative is to stay in love with someone who doesn't love you or is in love with someone else for the rest of your life...

You deserve love


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## DT123

I know you are right. I will have to do it tonight. I really appreciate your advice in this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch

DT123 said:


> I know you are right. I will have to do it tonight. I really appreciate your advice in this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't be so quick. Make an informed plan. You can include that, but if not A, than B...

Do the reads I gave you first. Be prepared...


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## DT123

I appreciate the literature, but I don't think I have enough time for waiting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch

DT123 said:


> I appreciate the literature, but I don't think I have enough time for waiting.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree you don't have a lot of time, but you need to get a head of the curve....


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## DT123

Update:

The ultimatum was given and she chose to stay with me. Ties were broken and she has not spoken with Joe since and while I know it isn't easy for her, it strengthens my drive to be the best I can in the process.


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## tracyishere

Great! Now prepare for a ride.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2

if she is serious about staying with you and maintains no contact I think that you owe her a lot of patience. She was very patient with you and she let you know the things that you weren't doing frequently and yet you still did not do them. you let your marriage get to the point where it was vulnerable. 

you learned a good lesson. 

this next part is going to be difficult on your wife. she's been receiving compliments and emotional support from the sky for months. she had plenty of time to compare and contrast. even the fact that you knew that they were talking frequently but didn't do anything or say anything had to it'll her. 

she put herself in a very difficult position if she wants to maintain marriage. she's grieving the loss of Joe. the way you are trying to make it up to her probably seems over the top and maybe a little forced. plus she has guilt for what she's done. the fact that everybody in your family either already knows we're going to know about this it will be for the strain. protector from that is going to be critical if you want to maintain a marriage. 

I think this thing to remember though is that if you show too much in patients she will just run back to Joe because Joe is giving her everything she wants and she didn't have to beg him for it. 

I think your situation is very solvable. please stress to your wife that if she does not maintain no contact your marriage cannot be same. saved my. she will prolong sadness over losing Joe and she will continue to hurt the marriage that she struggled so long to try to make better. she's going to experience a lot of temptation to reach out to him not just because she misses their relationship but because she was forced to stop talking to him. you know how that goes when you're told you can't do something it seems all the more compelling. understand her psychology. and if she maintains no contact continue to show her patients. 

if you don't your patience chilled not only go straight back to Joe but she'll be able to justify all of the reasons that she was moving in the direction that she did. some degree she will be right. 

it sounds as though I'm defending her behavior. I am NOT she chose to look elsewhere when she could have just divorced you. 

ask yourself how that would have felt. 

I give her some time with being supportive of her and being loving towards her but not being over the top. behave genuinely and with integrity. 

something that always pisses me off is when my husband Feist me flowers or a gift when he knows he's wrong but never does it just to do it to show that he loves me and other times. its so self serving. 

the other big kicker with over the top demonstrations of love and attraction is that it will make her feel more guilty about what she's done. these are very conflicting emotions and are very difficult to work through. when you finally get what you've been wanting all along but you've gotten to the point where you have detached and are possibly ready to move on there is a guilt that you have done something that sinful and hurtful, you feel bad that you aren't grateful for the turnaround, but you can't help but feel angry that it took such drastic measures to get you to change. she's really going to struggle with this. 

so try to reach a new equilibrium. 
I'm conflicted about whether you should seek marriage counseling immediately or whether you should feel her out and make sure that she's not had contact with him for several weeks maybe a month 6 weeks. first you want to see if she's serious, second you want to give her some time to de-Joe, and third you want to avoid going into a situation where the problems you have had and her infidelity is front and center. Stabilize the situation first. 

A thought might be for you to go into IC to address your issues... pride, distance, complacency and whatever else you know could stand some tweaking.

Tell her you know you need to be a better man and that you want to go TO MC with her but don't feel it would be productive yet. 

Keep her out of therapy until she is dead- Joed or she will have a venue to talk about him which will make things worse. 

Good luck. 

Remember: no contact; patience; integrity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tracyishere

_she's grieving the loss of Joe._

So true. After the ultimatum I had to be sympathetic to my H. I listened for what seemed to be hours of him telling me how much he had loved her and will miss her. He was devastated.

And although it killed me to hear all that. I knew he needed me to support him through the loss of such a fulfilling relationship. 

Through that time though, he learned to appreciate me. He learned that I was there to support him even though it killed me to do so.

But, I also learned why that relationship was so important to him. It gave me insight into what he needed from me to feel loved.


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## ConanHub

With the phrase "One size does not fit all" in mind, if you are both on board to R, you will need to make yourselves "love" each other. A choice, not a feeling. love is action. The more you direct yourselves to do loving things for each other, the more your feelings will follow.

Your wife allowed an affair. She allowed another man to "touch" her heart the way only you should have been allowed to. She has done some pretty tremendous damage to herself in relation to your marriage. I understand your part in not taking care of her emotionally, but the affair was totally on her. If she is serious about R then she needs understanding about how to repair her part of damaging the relationship.

What she is doing now is the wrong way to handle it. I know she does not "feel" it yet, but intellectually she can at least learn what needs to be done and start doing it. NC is a good start but she needs to start doing loving things for you, even though she does not feel like it, like kissing, sex, back rubs, thoughtful statements of appreciation towards you, all of these will help break her out of the "fog" she is currently in.

She seems on board with R but she seems to need understanding of what it takes. The biggest mistake people make is NOT LEADING THEIR HEARTS, but ALLOWING THEIR HEARTS TO LEAD THEM!!! Our hearts have no higher function than feeling emotions, and while emotions are important and indicators of what is happening around us or to us, our minds should be directing them.

If she starts leading her heart in your direction, and you are filling her heart with the love she needs, then her feelings will change to follow where her thoughts already are and both of you can be tremendously grateful that you were able to find happiness within your marriage.

Best of luck to you two.


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## tracyishere

ConanHub said:


> With the phrase "One size does not fit all" in mind, if you are both on board to R, you will need to make yourselves "love" each other. A choice, not a feeling. love is action. The more you direct yourselves to do loving things for each other, the more your feelings will follow.
> 
> Your wife allowed an affair. She allowed another man to "touch" her heart the way only you should have been allowed to. She has done some pretty tremendous damage to herself in relation to your marriage. I understand your part in not taking care of her emotionally, but the affair was totally on her. If she is serious about R then she needs understanding about how to repair her part of damaging the relationship.
> 
> What she is doing now is the wrong way to handle it. I know she does not "feel" it yet, but intellectually she can at least learn what needs to be done and start doing it. NC is a good start but she needs to start doing loving things for you, even though she does not feel like it, like kissing, sex, back rubs, thoughtful statements of appreciation towards you, all of these will help break her out of the "fog" she is currently in.
> 
> She seems on board with R but she seems to need understanding of what it takes. The biggest mistake people make is NOT LEADING THEIR HEARTS, but ALLOWING THEIR HEARTS TO LEAD THEM!!! Our hearts have no higher function than feeling emotions, and while emotions are important and indicators of what is happening around us or to us, our minds should be directing them.
> 
> If she starts leading her heart in your direction, and you are filling her heart with the love she needs, then her feelings will change to follow where her thoughts already are and both of you can be tremendously grateful that you were able to find happiness within your marriage.
> 
> Best of luck to you two.


ohhhh well said! Love it! :smthumbup::iagree:


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## DT123

Thanks to all of you. I am taking small steps, but doing simple things everyday to make her feel loved. I know most of the time it makes her feel bad or kind of weird, but if I stop now, then I am no different from the man that let her slip. The intimacy is not there just yet, nor do I expect it to be, but I do leave her notes in places I know she will find them, make comforting contact, and even kiss her when I leave for work in the morning. She is still asleep and I don't even know if she notices because I leave at 6:00AM, but it is something that makes me feel good. I am also going through similar things to what you described Tracy. She talks to me about Joe and things he said and/or did. I let her vent and although it hurts to hear, I know it is part of her closure process. I have contacted a couples therapist and we are keeping that on stand bye. My company pays for a certain amount of visits, so I want to make the most out of them. Going to try an allow for some healing first and use them if we start to regress. I have no one I can really vent to, so I will probably turn back to you all for updates, even if they are small. I just need to get these things out. I guess everyone can relate to some degree.


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## anchorwatch

Good news DT. Start reading the links I gave you. Be the leader in your marriage. Create the relationship you both deserve. 

Good luck.


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## DT123

anchorwatch said:


> Good news DT. Start reading the links I gave you. Be the leader in your marriage. Create the relationship you both deserve.
> 
> Good luck.


I sure will. Thanks


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## tracyishere

How's it going? I just wanted to say that I felt very similar to you at this point. It just seemed unfair that I was the one betrayed and yet I was the one doing all the work. I remember thinking how it should be me crying and suffering as I had lost his love. But all that was on my H's mind was her and his loss. 


Very difficult time. But keep your strength. You will get through it.


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## Chaparral

Get the books you have been advised to get, immediately. You do not know how to do what you need to do. Do not try to reinvent the wheel.


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## tracyishere

Chaparral said:


> Get the books you have been advised to get, immediately. You do not know how to do what you need to do. Do not try to reinvent the wheel.


In other words don't listen to what I say


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## DT123

tracyishere said:


> How's it going? I just wanted to say that I felt very similar to you at this point. It just seemed unfair that I was the one betrayed and yet I was the one doing all the work. I remember thinking how it should be me crying and suffering as I had lost his love. But all that was on my H's mind was her and his loss.
> 
> 
> Very difficult time. But keep your strength. You will get through it.


Thanks for asking Tracy. It is nice to know that there is a strong support system here. Took a few large steps backward this weekend. Joe had found another outlet to contact my wife. She would not unlock her cell phone so i could read the contents of their conversation. I asked her to leave and go stay with her mom. I was able to by pass some of her passwords and read what was there. He had been messaging her through an AP we use to talk to my cousin who is in the USMC and deployed overseas. Through the conversation, I discovered that they were having sex. I sent him a message with the AP and he acted confused and said he thought I (MT) was going to see him. 

So in one of the worst fights we have had yet, she ran to Joe. I drove around for 3 hours looking for her. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law were informed on what was happening because I needed A.someone to stay with my kids while i looked for her and B. someone else close to her to try and talk sense into her. She came back home very early Saturday morning and begged me to go to counseling with her.

My heart is broken, my kids know nothing but are acting sad for reasons they are unaware of, and I am struggling to grasp onto a small ray of hope that we are even able to go through with REC. After everything I have discovered, I still have strong feelings for her and do not want to give up on her. I am so tired of being naive and the end of all the jokes.


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## tracyishere

DT123 said:


> Thanks for asking Tracy. It is nice to know that there is a strong support system here. Took a few large steps backward this weekend. Joe had found another outlet to contact my wife. She would not unlock her cell phone so i could read the contents of their conversation. I asked her to leave and go stay with her mom. I was able to by pass some of her passwords and read what was there. He had been messaging her through an AP we use to talk to my cousin who is in the USMC and deployed overseas. Through the conversation, I discovered that they were having sex. I sent him a message with the AP and he acted confused and said he thought I (MT) was going to see him.
> 
> So in one of the worst fights we have had yet, she ran to Joe. I drove around for 3 hours looking for her. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law were informed on what was happening because I needed A.someone to stay with my kids while i looked for her and B. someone else close to her to try and talk sense into her. She came back home very early Saturday morning and begged me to go to counseling with her.
> 
> My heart is broken, my kids know nothing but are acting sad for reasons they are unaware of, and I am struggling to grasp onto a small ray of hope that we are even able to go through with REC. After everything I have discovered, I still have strong feelings for her and do not want to give up on her. I am so tired of being naive and the end of all the jokes.


It's never naive to think you SO should be faithful. Your wife was entrusted with your heart and she neglected, used and betrayed it. 

Your feelings are perfectly normal considering what you are going through. 

I'm sorry to hear that she still has not made a decision. Do not blame yourself. You have made all the right choices and efforts to improve your marriage.


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## 6301

How many times are you going to let her lie to you? Now I understand that you weren't there like you should be as a husband but that is no excuse for her to have an affair. Yeah, you take your share of the blame in the marriage but she has to take responsibility for her affair. If you keep playing nice guy with her, she's going to do it again. She proved that point by lying to you that it was over and now you find out she had sex with him. She has to now carry the heavy end of this marriage and if don't let her, then the next time she runs to Joe, she won't come back. 

I would also let Joes family and friends know what her did. Do the relatives who are friends with him know that he's having an affair with your wife?


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## DT123

6301 said:


> I would also let Joes family and friends know what her did. Do the relatives who are friends with him know that he's having an affair with your wife?


My sister and brother-in-law that were Joe's friends do know that there are things going on. They do not know everything, but a lot. My sister has called him numerous times and cussed him out. Told him to stay away form our family. He has a complete lack of respect for anything that he is asked, which i guess is fueled by their affair. When I was driving around looking for MT Saturday night, I went by Joe's house. His family does not care about what he is doing to mine. His grandmother told me that her husband was inside with a gun ready to come out if I caused trouble. She also told me that if my wife wanted to be with me, she wouldn't have been with Joe. Then she called me a worthless son of a b**** and threw a flash light at my face. I have never met this woman in my life. She knows nothing about me.

I have an appointment with a family counselor with my wife in 1-1/2 hours. I intend on giving an update. Like I have said in this thread time and time again, I am committed to REC, I just do not know if she is. It will be hard to let 10 years of my life go after 1 month worth of infidelity. So I stay driven by my existing feelings and thoughts of my young children. If there is a chance at all, I will take it and run. Wish me luck.


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## pv0912

I have been having problems with my husband and in laws lately.My in-laws and husbands gang up on me and give me a hard time about everything.My husband is a big baby and throws occasional tantrums about food and other things.He expects me to take the responsibility of feeding the kids and everything else.If he takes them out without me he considers it baby sitting and complains of exhausation. His parents join in and bully me into changing my ways where as i am doing whatever it takes to give my kids a good life.This is best explained with an example. My older son goes to a class on sunday and he decided to take the younger one too who is 3 years old.I went to Costco in between after finishing some chores in the house.I get a call at Costco saying i have to back home right away to feed the kids.They can yell at me however i cannot raise my voice against them.They gang up on me and corner me into doing things and say i have a problem.I take care of the kids throughout the wee
k whereas my husband does so called late nights and goes to the bar for a drink almost everyday.Is this situation normal?I also work though part time so that i can take my kids to classes and meet their other needs.He does not help out around the house.Is this normal?

Thanks


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## tracyishere

pv0912 said:


> I have been having problems with my husband and in laws lately.My in-laws and husbands gang up on me and give me a hard time about everything.My husband is a big baby and throws occasional tantrums about food and other things.He expects me to take the responsibility of feeding the kids and everything else.If he takes them out without me he considers it baby sitting and complains of exhausation. His parents join in and bully me into changing my ways where as i am doing whatever it takes to give my kids a good life.This is best explained with an example. My older son goes to a class on sunday and he decided to take the younger one too who is 3 years old.I went to Costco in between after finishing some chores in the house.I get a call at Costco saying i have to back home right away to feed the kids.They can yell at me however i cannot raise my voice against them.They gang up on me and corner me into doing things and say i have a problem.I take care of the kids throughout the wee
> k whereas my husband does so called late nights and goes to the bar for a drink almost everyday.Is this situation normal?I also work though part time so that i can take my kids to classes and meet their other needs.He does not help out around the house.Is this normal?
> 
> Thanks


Should start your own thread


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## DT123

I thought the counseling went ok. Not great, but not terrible either. She told me with the counselor present that she wanted to fix our marriage.

Today she is texting me that she is not sure what she wants anymore. I am so tired of sitting in limbo for her. Letting go of the last 10 years of my life might be the hardest thing I will ever have to do, but I fear that it is what is going to happen now. Praying that I am wrong, but I am losing all confidence in our ability to REC.


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## tracyishere

So sorry. I used to pray that my husband would fall back in love with me until I realized that not even God can MAKE a person do anything. 

So instead I prayed that my Husband be surrounded by love, and that his pain, resentment and anger be replaced with peace, love and joy. 

Prayer was a huge tool for me. Not saying it has to be yours. But it sure took a load off my shoulders.


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## anchorwatch

It's time for you to make the choice for her. Or you could say, if she won't chose, you'll do it for her. 

Make an appointment with a divorce lawyer, file and have her served.

Make it clear to her that this is not what you wanted, but you wont live with another man sharing your wife. 

She can chose either A or B

A) Break it off with him, NC letter, commit to the M, enter IC and MC and any other demands you need.

B) Divorce

Saying she doesn't know what she wants is choice B.

Choice B means you go to directly to the 180. Do not waffle, do not second guess yourself or her. This is your only chance to reconcile a marriage that is already over. Even then the chances are slim.

Remember, your demand and the filing of divorce papers will bring on her first recognition that this game is coming to an end. Only if you hold to it and she believes you are serious. She may act out, but she will decide. Then you will have an end to this limbo, by your own design, not hers. 

BTW, There will be a lot of time before a judge makes a divorce final. Anything can happen during that period. The idea is too keep the pressure on till it ends either way.

Here is the 180 list and a site where other men, who have been in your shoes, will help you through this if you want.

180 List - No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group

Be strong...


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## DT123

Thanks for the advice anchor. I am booked with my job through the weekend and will not be able to make an appointment until Monday.

My cousins wife(Shelly), who happens to be my wife's best friend, has since learned of what my wife has been doing. She has taken off work this weekend, and is going to have my wife stay with her. She told me that she is truly disgusted by her actions, but wants to give her the space and time alone that my wife feels like she needs to clear her head. MT contacted Joe yesterday and told him that she did not want him to call, text, or try and see her again. She needed time to think with out him distracting her.

I think she is going to take this weekend to find out what she truly wants. I have done everything I can do to prove that REC is in my heart and I know that Mel is going to try and help MT see the light. She is a close and valued family member. Here's to me hoping that I have some forward progress by Monday. If not, it will be time to draw up papers.


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## nogutsnoglory

DT123 said:


> Thanks for the advice anchor. I am booked with my job through the weekend and will not be able to make an appointment until Monday.
> 
> My cousins wife(Shelly), who happens to be my wife's best friend, has since learned of what my wife has been doing. She has taken off work this weekend, and is going to have my wife stay with her. She told me that she is truly disgusted by her actions, but wants to give her the space and time alone that my wife feels like she needs to clear her head. MT contacted Joe yesterday and told him that she did not want him to call, text, or try and see her again. She needed time to think with out him distracting her.
> 
> I think she is going to take this weekend to find out what she truly wants. I have done everything I can do to prove that REC is in my heart and I know that Mel is going to try and help MT see the light. She is a close and valued family member. Here's to me hoping that I have some forward progress by Monday. If not, it will be time to draw up papers.


DT- I hope you are clear in your head that you have made some very bad errors in judgement since learning of her affair.
You have essentially rewarded her for it. Since learning about it you have been extra nice and are trying to be the perfect husband. That is like giving dog a cookie after it pees on the carpet. 
You may have had a part in a bad marriage but what she did was an unforgivable thing and you immediately allowed her forgiveness for it. Your nice guy issues are never going to get her to be faithful to you. It is time to man up. Read about the 180 process and implement it today. Concentrate on you and your family (her not included) and better yourself. Prove to yourself that you are deserving of a much better woman, and if she comes back you allow her to be nothing less than the woman you deserve. You should be crushed and are I am sure, that does not mean you allow her to control your future. I am 100% positive that if you strengthen your self esteem, appearance, and stop giving her the energy that you need to use for people that deserve it (like yourself and kids), you will be better for it and be happier with your self worth. DO NOT just allow her back with no consequences. There is a process that must occur, and it is all over TAM about the heavy lifting she needs to be doing for you to have a chance at all for R with her. She can not do that heavy lifting, until she is truly remorseful for the sex, love, emotion she gave to another man.
You need to be tested for STD's and so does she. Make her do that. Make her realize she was dirtied and has dirtied you as well and now you have to make sure that she did not bring any STD's to your marital bed. She needs to feel sick about what she did. She needs to hate herself for it and be willing to give you 100% of the information as to their relationship, how many times they met for fondling, sex. You need to demand all of it. If you get the slightest hint she is still trickle truthing you then, off to a polygraph you go. 
I am serious man, you need to do these things and get her azz out of the fog she is in. 
I wish you luck.


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## sammy3

OP, 
Listen to nogutsnoglory !!!

-sammy


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## DT123

Thanks for the advice. I know I am making horrible decisions and that is why I keep coming back here to try and get back on track. My kids are going to be spending the weekend with my father-in-law and my wife is going to stay with Shelly. I will have plenty of time to review the 180 and commit to it. 

It must be frustrating for the ones with success stories to see the path I have chosen in trying to find R, but I am in a confused state myself. My career is going better then it ever has and I landed a huge promotion that I had to fight tooth and nail for. The emotional roller coaster is exhausting and now that I have landed the job, I need to put my efforts into doing what is right for my kids and I from here on out.

Thanks for the constant support and advice. With out the direction of the people on this forum, who knows how much worse I would have made it than I already did.


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## tracyishere

Don't settle for less then what you deserve


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## nogutsnoglory

DT123 said:


> Thanks for the advice. I know I am making horrible decisions and that is why I keep coming back here to try and get back on track. My kids are going to be spending the weekend with my father-in-law and my wife is going to stay with Shelly. I will have plenty of time to review the 180 and commit to it.
> 
> It must be frustrating for the ones with success stories to see the path I have chosen in trying to find R, but I am in a confused state myself. My career is going better then it ever has and I landed a huge promotion that I had to fight tooth and nail for. The emotional roller coaster is exhausting and now that I have landed the job, I need to put my efforts into doing what is right for my kids and I from here on out.
> 
> Thanks for the constant support and advice. With out the direction of the people on this forum, who knows how much worse I would have made it than I already did.


You have a head start on the 180 and you don't know it. That promotion makes you feel good. You deserved that promotion and that is why you got it. Your wife is not the reason you are being more successful professionally. You wanted it so you went after it. Want that for yourself personally as well. Just like the promotion, you had to work hard and fight tooth and nail for. Demand in your personal life what you deserve, and accept nothing less.

Side note:
Be prepared to talk to a lawyer sooner than later. If you verify what I think you will, you need to be prepared to serve her divorce papers. If it was me, I would file and serve before I confronted, once I had the physical evidence locked away with a back up stashed somewhere else. Then I would let all her friends and family know. If the OM is married, you let his wife know as well. You can always stop the divorce from happening, my friend. The papers will lift her out of the fog she is in, and let her know exactly where you stand, but be prepared to follow through with it as well.


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## tracyishere

How are you doing DT?


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## DT123

tracyishere said:


> How are you doing DT?


Starting at the end of last week, I started to live by the 180 list as much as I could. I keep it in my pocket as a constant reminder. I hardly communicated with MT on Thursday or Friday and she stayed over at Shelly's house Friday night. Since I had to work all day Saturday and she worked Saturday night, we didn't actually get a chance to speak until late Saturday night. While she was working, I had a few hours to speak with Shelly about how their night went. She told me that when I had threatened MT with a lawyer, she freaked out and told Shelly that she did not want me to do that at all. She also told her that her relationship with Joe was mostly a physical thing and she did not see herself with anyone but me. The reason she is struggling to let him go is because while our relationship became so bland, the intimacy with Joe was not.

When I picked MT up from work, I asked her how her night before went (knowing details already from Shelly) and she told me that she did not want to rehash it again and was already tired of talking about it. We sat on our sectional sofa across from each other and I asked her what we had to talk about other than our current situation? She was upset that it was all I could/ want to talk about. We argued for about an hour or so and I mostly pried for more details and she tried to defend Joe. I finally asked her why she could never give me definitive answers as to whether or not she wants to stay together and work on us, but she could tell Shelly that it was exactly what she wanted to do. She told me it was just too hard to talk to me. So I started to walk away and told her that she did not have to talk to me anymore and she started to cry and told me that she had chosen to stay and thought I could be excited about it. 

After a few minutes she came out and sat back down. I asked her why I always had to hear the good things from other people, but she could not tell me to my face. She told me that she assumed I had already been told by Shelly since I talked to her while she was working. I let her know that Shelly and I spoke about her a little, but then she talked to me about other things too. She is married to my cousin who is also my best friend in the world and I can't see him because he is deployed over seas. I got frustrated and told her that it was not up to other people to tell me what she is thinking, it was her job and I went to bed. We haven't really spoken again since then. I did go with with friends one night over the weekend and have lost over 20 lbs since I found about about the affair. So i guess there is that.


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## tracyishere

DT123 said:


> Starting at the end of last week, I started to live by the 180 list as much as I could. I keep it in my pocket as a constant reminder. I hardly communicated with MT on Thursday or Friday and she stayed over at Shelly's house Friday night. Since I had to work all day Saturday and she worked Saturday night, we didn't actually get a chance to speak until late Saturday night. While she was working, I had a few hours to speak with Shelly about how their night went. She told me that when I had threatened MT with a lawyer, she freaked out and told Shelly that she did not want me to do that at all. She also told her that her relationship with Joe was mostly a physical thing and she did not see herself with anyone but me. The reason she is struggling to let him go is because while our relationship became so bland, the intimacy with Joe was not.
> 
> When I picked MT up from work, I asked her how her night before went (knowing details already from Shelly) and she told me that she did not want to rehash it again and was already tired of talking about it. We sat on our sectional sofa across from each other and I asked her what we had to talk about other than our current situation? She was upset that it was all I could/ want to talk about. We argued for about an hour or so and I mostly pried for more details and she tried to defend Joe. I finally asked her why she could never give me definitive answers as to whether or not she wants to stay together and work on us, but she could tell Shelly that it was exactly what she wanted to do. She told me it was just too hard to talk to me. So I started to walk away and told her that she did not have to talk to me anymore and she started to cry and told me that she had chosen to stay and thought I could be excited about it.
> 
> After a few minutes she came out and sat back down. I asked her why I always had to hear the good things from other people, but she could not tell me to my face. She told me that she assumed I had already been told by Shelly since I talked to her while she was working. I let her know that Shelly and I spoke about her a little, but then she talked to me about other things too. She is married to my cousin who is also my best friend in the world and I can't see him because he is deployed over seas. I got frustrated and told her that it was not up to other people to tell me what she is thinking, it was her job and I went to bed. We haven't really spoken again since then.


How are you feeling?


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## DT123

tracyishere said:


> How are you feeling?


I could be happier, but I am also not living like a paranoid mess either. I spend every second of my home time loving my kids and then my alone time working out. I am actually able to go through my days with it not being like a big looming cloud over my thoughts. I have been laughing and enjoying football/ fantasy football, which I had not been able to since I found out and they have always been hobbies of mine. Over all, I am a little happier then I was a week ago and a lot happier than I was 2 weeks ago. Starting to realize that caring about my kids first and then me second is a lot easier than trying to put her at number one when I am still so angry with her. It is even a little scary that I am starting to see a glimpse of life with out her and I am not completely terrified of it. I am still hoping that she will come around and completely realize her mistakes and bee 100% remorseful, but I am not making my self sick waiting for that day anymore either.

I know you told me a lot about the importance of patience and how you had to be there and wait for your S/O to come around. I can do that, but I am just taking care of me right now too.


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## tracyishere

DT123 said:


> I could be happier, but I am also not living like a paranoid mess either. I spend every second of my home time loving my kids and then my alone time working out. I am actually able to go through my days with it not being like a big looming cloud over my thoughts. I have been laughing and enjoying football/ fantasy football, which I had not been able to since I found out and they have always been hobbies of mine. Over all, I am a little happier then I was a week ago and a lot happier than I was 2 weeks ago. Starting to realize that caring about my kids first and then me second is a lot easier than trying to put her at number one when I am still so angry with her. It is even a little scary that I am starting to see a glimpse of life with out her and I am not completely terrified of it. I am still hoping that she will come around and completely realize her mistakes and bee 100% remorseful, but I am not making my self sick waiting for that day anymore either.
> 
> I know you told me a lot about the importance of patience and how you had to be there and wait for your S/O to come around. I can do that, but I am just taking care of me right now too.


I think what you are doing is right. You sound allot happier then you were. Just do what you need to do to stay that way.


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## DT123

tracyishere said:


> I think what you are doing is right. You sound allot happier then you were. Just do what you need to do to stay that way.


I am. That is the strangest part though. When I am away from her, I think about how much I want to REC. As soon as we are around each other, I feel like I do not want it. I think the memories of our early relationship cloud my judgement of who she is now. Here's to hoping that she can some day be the woman I fell in love with.


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## tracyishere

DT123 said:


> I am. That is the strangest part though. When I am away from her, I think about how much I want to REC. As soon as we are around each other, I feel like I do not want it. I think the memories of our early relationship cloud my judgement of who she is now. Here's to hoping that she can some day be the woman I fell in love with.


Even if she did change. Could you forgive her?


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## DT123

tracyishere said:


> Even if she did change. Could you forgive her?


I guess that is the million dollar question. I feel like I owe it to myself to try.


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## tracyishere

I hope she recognizes your belief in her.


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## ConanHub

DT123 said:


> Starting at the end of last week, I started to live by the 180 list as much as I could. I keep it in my pocket as a constant reminder. I hardly communicated with MT on Thursday or Friday and she stayed over at Shelly's house Friday night. Since I had to work all day Saturday and she worked Saturday night, we didn't actually get a chance to speak until late Saturday night. While she was working, I had a few hours to speak with Shelly about how their night went. She told me that when I had threatened MT with a lawyer, she freaked out and told Shelly that she did not want me to do that at all. She also told her that her relationship with Joe was mostly a physical thing and she did not see herself with anyone but me. The reason she is struggling to let him go is because while our relationship became so bland, the intimacy with Joe was not.
> 
> When I picked MT up from work, I asked her how her night before went (knowing details already from Shelly) and she told me that she did not want to rehash it again and was already tired of talking about it. We sat on our sectional sofa across from each other and I asked her what we had to talk about other than our current situation? She was upset that it was all I could/ want to talk about. We argued for about an hour or so and I mostly pried for more details and she tried to defend Joe. I finally asked her why she could never give me definitive answers as to whether or not she wants to stay together and work on us, but she could tell Shelly that it was exactly what she wanted to do. She told me it was just too hard to talk to me. So I started to walk away and told her that she did not have to talk to me anymore and she started to cry and told me that she had chosen to stay and thought I could be excited about it.
> 
> After a few minutes she came out and sat back down. I asked her why I always had to hear the good things from other people, but she could not tell me to my face. She told me that she assumed I had already been told by Shelly since I talked to her while she was working. I let her know that Shelly and I spoke about her a little, but then she talked to me about other things too. She is married to my cousin who is also my best friend in the world and I can't see him because he is deployed over seas. I got frustrated and told her that it was not up to other people to tell me what she is thinking, it was her job and I went to bed. We haven't really spoken again since then. I did go with with friends one night over the weekend and have lost over 20 lbs since I found about about the affair. So i guess there is that.


Hey DT. Sorry I have not kept up. I work A LOT. I also putting a lot of effort into marriage right now. I suspected a PA after your first post. In light of her attitude and what she has done, if I were you I would learn to start valuing myself!!!! Your wife is not worthy!!!! Your wife is a dirty little TRAMP!!! She has no dignity, beauty, worth, value, or any other redeeming trait!!! You need to open your eyes to the truth. She is not who you thought she was, she is everything I just stated. The reason I am being so bold with labeling her, is because you seem to be a little reserved in those opinions of her. You need to see yourself as being more worthy than her right now. Did you lie to her and go out to get a cheap piece of azz? NO!! Once caught did you gaslight her, act entitled, and then expect her to be excited that a slimy skank had "decided" to stay with her? NOOO!!!!! Your wife needs a harsh wake up call and it can start with you starting to respect yourself! I do not think R should even be on the table right now with this "princess"! She stinks to high heaven but does not seem to be able to smell herself! R could be a possibility, but not now, not the way things are going. I have heard a wise statement made on TAM..."In order to save your marriage, you have to be willing to lose it." I think that statement definitely applies to you. She NEEDS hit full in the face with how ugly she truly is. Honestly, does she think a cheating skank is desirable? You need to express just how unattractive she has become to you. I think in your mind the person she has allowed herself to become is very ugly. that is why when you see her, you are repulsed. If she does not start working her a$$ off to win you back, and she does need to try to WIN you, there is almost no chance for R. She simply does not see how truly ugly she is now. best wishes. YOU ARE WORTH FAITHFULNESS!!! 

CONAN OUT.


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## DT123

ConanHub said:


> Hey DT. Sorry I have not kept up. I work A LOT. I also putting a lot of effort into marriage right now. I suspected a PA after your first post. In light of her attitude and what she has done, if I were you I would learn to start valuing myself!!!! Your wife is not worthy!!!! Your wife is a dirty little TRAMP!!! She has no dignity, beauty, worth, value, or any other redeeming trait!!! You need to open your eyes to the truth. She is not who you thought she was, she is everything I just stated. The reason I am being so bold with labeling her, is because you seem to be a little reserved in those opinions of her. You need to see yourself as being more worthy than her right now. Did you lie to her and go out to get a cheap piece of azz? NO!! Once caught did you gaslight her, act entitled, and then expect her to be excited that a slimy skank had "decided" to stay with her? NOOO!!!!! Your wife needs a harsh wake up call and it can start with you starting to respect yourself! I do not think R should even be on the table right now with this "princess"! She stinks to high heaven but does not seem to be able to smell herself! R could be a possibility, but not now, not the way things are going. I have heard a wise statement made on TAM..."In order to save your marriage, you have to be willing to lose it." I think that statement definitely applies to you. She NEEDS hit full in the face with how ugly she truly is. Honestly, does she think a cheating skank is desirable? You need to express just how unattractive she has become to you. I think in your mind the person she has allowed herself to become is very ugly. that is why when you see her, you are repulsed. If she does not start working her a$$ off to win you back, and she does need to try to WIN you, there is almost no chance for R. She simply does not see how truly ugly she is now. best wishes. YOU ARE WORTH FAITHFULNESS!!!
> 
> CONAN OUT.


You must be a motivational speaker by trade. Well done!

A little update in my situation. I have not posted in a while because things have started to go south in a hurry. 

Last Monday I dropped her off at work because my truck was in the shop and I needed to use her car to pick up a prescription for my son. She works at a children's clothing store in the mall and was a little bit over dressed. She had been talking with Shelly that day and after I got back from the pharmacy, Shelly sent me a text and said that MT was a little off that day. She mentioned that she needed to look for some new shoes, so she would stop by and say hi to make sure that MT was working.

When she arrived at the store, MT was not working. She asked if she was scheduled and they said she was let go early because they were over staffed. I dropped her off at 6:30PM and it was now 8:00. 1-1/2 hours later and she never called me to pick her up. Shelly called me and I drove up there to try and find/ confront her. After many failed calls, she finally told me that Joe was there and was talking to her in the parking lot. He had enlisted in the army and was going to be leaving and wanted to tell her about it. I picked her up and told her that I was done and when we got home, she needed to pack a bag and leave for the night. She refused to do it and I was so angry that she had seen him again that I packed clothes and stuff for her and then called Joe myself to come pick her up. In many words, most of them harsh, I told her to leave. After an hour or so, he finally shows up and I loaded her stuff in his car and told her to go. She kept saying that it was not what she wanted and that she could never forgive me for the things I said to her. Once again I am the bad guy. After 3 weeks of waiting for her to cut ties, i found out that they met up and I am the bad guy for calling her out and telling her to get the eff out of the house.

She stayed the night with him at his mothers and texted me the entire next day wanting to come home. I met with a lawyer and opened a separate bank account and then met her back at home. We did not speak to each other at all that week until Friday when we met with the counselor again. She tried to victimize herself again and the counselor just said that we had both hurt each other, but we need to decide what we wanted to do to fix it. Saturday morning I drove her half way to her fathers house who lives 4 hours away. He met me there and took her to his place for the weekend. He wanted to let her have some time alone which is what she kept saying she needed. After she got there she was telling Shelly that I made her go and that she is just getting lectured by her dad and hated it. She came back yesterday evening pissed off. I basically told her that I could not wait for her to decide what she wanted from life and by the way she looked at me I knew that she had too much anger and resentment to ever get over what had happened. She has been saying since it happened that she thought we were too far gone and I finally told her that she is starting to convince me that was true. She said she didn't want to rush into a divorce or separation because she was afraid that she would regret it and miss me later on, but I am unwilling to wait for her to figure out if she can still love me or not. I told her that I am ready to work on my own happiness and that I didn't feel like either one of us could make the other happy. She cant even get to a point where she can show me that she feels remorse and until I see that I can't even begin to try and forgive. I am ready to move on and am convincing myself that R is not for us. I still have 4 sessions with the counselor scheduled, but I will probably use them for myself.


----------



## tracyishere

DT123 said:


> You must be a motivational speaker by trade. Well done!
> 
> A little update in my situation. I have not posted in a while because things have started to go south in a hurry.
> 
> Last Monday I dropped her off at work because my truck was in the shop and I needed to use her car to pick up a prescription for my son. She works at a children's clothing store in the mall and was a little bit over dressed. She had been talking with Shelly that day and after I got back from the pharmacy, Shelly sent me a text and said that MT was a little off that day. She mentioned that she needed to look for some new shoes, so she would stop by and say hi to make sure that MT was working.
> 
> When she arrived at the store, MT was not working. She asked if she was scheduled and they said she was let go early because they were over staffed. I dropped her off at 6:30PM and it was now 8:00. 1-1/2 hours later and she never called me to pick her up. Shelly called me and I drove up there to try and find/ confront her. After many failed calls, she finally told me that Joe was there and was talking to her in the parking lot. He had enlisted in the army and was going to be leaving and wanted to tell her about it. I picked her up and told her that I was done and when we got home, she needed to pack a bag and leave for the night. She refused to do it and I was so angry that she had seen him again that I packed clothes and stuff for her and then called Joe myself to come pick her up. In many words, most of them harsh, I told her to leave. After an hour or so, he finally shows up and I loaded her stuff in his car and told her to go. She kept saying that it was not what she wanted and that she could never forgive me for the things I said to her. Once again I am the bad guy. After 3 weeks of waiting for her to cut ties, i found out that they met up and I am the bad guy for calling her out and telling her to get the eff out of the house.
> 
> She stayed the night with him at his mothers and texted me the entire next day wanting to come home. I met with a lawyer and opened a separate bank account and then met her back at home. We did not speak to each other at all that week until Friday when we met with the counselor again. She tried to victimize herself again and the counselor just said that we had both hurt each other, but we need to decide what we wanted to do to fix it. Saturday morning I drove her half way to her fathers house who lives 4 hours away. He met me there and took her to his place for the weekend. He wanted to let her have some time alone which is what she kept saying she needed. After she got there she was telling Shelly that I made her go and that she is just getting lectured by her dad and hated it. She came back yesterday evening pissed off. I basically told her that I could not wait for her to decide what she wanted from life and by the way she looked at me I knew that she had too much anger and resentment to ever get over what had happened. She has been saying since it happened that she thought we were too far gone and I finally told her that she is starting to convince me that was true. She said she didn't want to rush into a divorce or separation because she was afraid that she would regret it and miss me later on, but I am unwilling to wait for her to figure out if she can still love me or not. I told her that I am ready to work on my own happiness and that I didn't feel like either one of us could make the other happy. She cant even get to a point where she can show me that she feels remorse and until I see that I can't even begin to try and forgive. I am ready to move on and am convincing myself that R is not for us. I still have 4 sessions with the counselor scheduled, but I will probably use them for myself.


This is what I hear her saying. "Hey honey, don't leave me. You are my plan B. This other guy is leaving and I'll be all alone." 

Boo! Stick to your guns. I wouldn't want that. She has not made any moves to prove she is remorseful, trusting or loving. You deserve better. Stay strong.


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## DT123

tracyishere said:


> This is what I hear her saying. "Hey honey, don't leave me. You are my plan B. This other guy is leaving and I'll be all alone."
> 
> Boo! Stick to your guns. I wouldn't want that. She has not made any moves to prove she is remorseful, trusting or loving. You deserve better. Stay strong.


As always, you hit the nail on the head tracy. I even tell her I feel like her back up plan.

I also left out a big part of what happened last week because it did not pertain to my relationship with MT, but my cousin, who I have mentioned a few times that was deployed, had to come home from his deployment because his mother, my aunt, had emergency brain surgery. She is day to day with her recovery but has still not woken up. Doctors are confident that she will recover, but it is stressful waiting for signs of her recovery. With that being said, he is back home and is hands down the best friend I have ever had and is my rock in all this. He and his wife Shelly are already trying to help me move on. Trying to help restore my confidence, telling me that I deserve to be happy and they have tons of single friends. I am not interested in meeting new women yet, but having him here, even for a short while, has helped me tremendously. He has been able to clear the fog I was in and help me see that MT was not focused on a life with me.


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## tracyishere

Family is awesome hey?!! Kudos to you for reaching out. Doing it alone is very tough! Sounds like you have a good support system in place to help you cope and stay strong!


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## TexDad034

I can't express how much power your story has given me DT. I too have a wife that left me and my son alone and stayed with another man. When I see how manipulative your wife is, I can't help but picture my own. You have to continue to do the 180. Remember that even though you may inadvertently save your marriage in the process, the true reason for doing it is for yourself and yourself only. 
I filed for divorce and my stbx is convinced that it is what she wants too. I can't wait for the truth to come out, perhaps even her job finding out as her affair was with a coworker/contractor she is in charge of. The truth is, she is going to have to go to the deepest pits of Hell (not far from what I have come from) and drag herself out before a R Is even considerable. The same is true for your wife. Meanwhile, as she is fighting her shame, guilt, and jealousy, you're living the good life, looking better than ever and totally ready to move on without her. That puts you totally in control. 
See it this way, more than likely your marriage is over. You have a chance to be a much stronger person than you have ever been before, and she can't control that. Might as we'll be that man NOW!


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## ConanHub

Good job DT! She is just too hung up on herself and any further conversations that YOU feel like having with her should be dictated by you fully shoving her affair in her face until she fully accepts it as hers and hers alone!

I think reading Rookie4s thread might give you some idea of a good 180. you obviously don't have to do everything he did, but you could definitely adopt his attitude.

I truly hope the best for you! take great care of yourself, alpha the h3ll up, and never accept any responsibility for your ww infidelity! I don't think she is gonna get "IT" until she has some serious repercussions for her trashy behavior. Your councilor better not be saying you have any part in her affair. If he/she is saying or intimating that, you need a different councilor.

Marriage is 50/50 responsibility, infidelity is 100% the cheaters fault!

There are better days ahead...


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## DT123

Not really an update on my stbx, but my aunt is not going to make it. She slipped into a coma a few days after her surgery and is continuing to have brain bleeds. They removed the ventilator this morning and are keeping her comfortable until she passes. I took MT with me to say goodbye to her. Not all of my family knows what is going on and even though we have lost our love for each other, they still love her as she does them. I felt it only right to include her this morning. I think she might have had a reality check, because she hugged me when i left the hospital to return to work and that was the first contact we have made since D Day(Sept. 21st).


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## anchorwatch

Prayers for your family, DT.


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## tracyishere

DT123 said:


> Not really an update on my stbx, but my aunt is not going to make it. She slipped into a coma a few days after her surgery and is continuing to have brain bleeds. They removed the ventilator this morning and are keeping her comfortable until she passes. I took MT with me to say goodbye to her. Not all of my family knows what is going on and even though we have lost our love for each other, they still love her as she does them. I felt it only right to include her this morning. I think she might have had a reality check, because she hugged me when i left the hospital to return to work and that was the first contact we have made since D Day(Sept. 21st).


First of all i am so sorry about your aunt. I think you did a very selfless thoughtful thing by including her. Making that moment special for your aunt is really important and I admire that.

How did that hug with your wife make you feel?


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## DT123

tracyishere said:


> How did that hug with your wife make you feel?


It was a pretty awkward and defining moment. It was kind of a one armed from the side "Bro" hug and I felt nothing...


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## tracyishere

Defining in what way?


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## DT123

I thought I would have felt something when we hugged. There was nothing. I wanted it to end faster then it started. We have argued a couple times since then and she keeps throwing the hug at me. Saying things like, "I even hugged you and you don't care." why does she think that hug was a reward...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tracyishere

Don't worry about deciphering her and her actions. You will waste too much time and energy on that. Just focus on you. Do what you were doing before to make yourself better, stronger and wiser.


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## DT123

tracyishere said:


> Don't worry about deciphering her and her actions. You will waste too much time and energy on that. Just focus on you. Do what you were doing before to make yourself better, stronger and wiser.


You are right. It is exhausting trying to avoid situations where she gets me mad. I think that bothers her the most. I do not allow myself to really fight with her. We have small arguments, but nothing like before. They mostly end with her telling me to file already since I clearly hate her and am moving on. I have never met someone that has tried to make them self a victim more than MT. It is really sad in a way, because after we are done, I do want her to find happiness, but I am not sure she is capable of it. She honestly and truly enjoys being unhappy and surrounded by constant drama. Yuck


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## tracyishere

DT123 said:


> You are right. It is exhausting trying to avoid situations where she gets me mad. I think that bothers her the most. I do not allow myself to really fight with her. We have small arguments, but nothing like before. They mostly end with her telling me to file already since I clearly hate her and am moving on. I have never met someone that has tried to make them self a victim more than MT. It is really sad in a way, because after we are done, I do want her to find happiness, but I am not sure she is capable of it. She honestly and truly enjoys being unhappy and surrounded by constant drama. Yuck


She is also dealing with an assortment of emotions and issues and nobody likes to be at fault. To this day my H believes that I am 60% responsible for HIS affair! 

IMO cheaters are emotionally immature and do not have the ability to view the reality of situations. They only see what applies to them and their specific situation. Everything else is null and void. 

Trying to reason with someone who only thinks of them-self is impossible. I just let my H believe I am mostly at fault. It's not like we have to discuss it. If that's what it takes for him to move forward and get over the past then who cares. 

I understand many people do not accept any part in the blame. And that is fine too. You have to decide for yourself how much crap you are willing to endure to save your marriage? And when enough is enough?


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## DT123

tracyishere said:


> You have to decide for yourself how much crap you are willing to endure to save your marriage? And when enough is enough?


These words ring so true. The truth is, I have reached the enough is enough and can no longer endure. She actually left me an opportunity this weekend to capture a video of her with him kissing. TBH, seeing that happen did me a lot of good. I thought it would hurt, but it didn't. I am ready to file and for this all to be over. Then she can be happy in her own way and so can I. Real closure comes in the most unusual forms. 

It almost feels like I am being a quitter or giving up, but after seeing how she was with him, I honestly know that I can never be that for her again. She is experiencing pain in this too and it isn't fair for either of us to force anything because we have children. I do still feel like she is being used by this guy, but if she refuses to see the facts, then I have to step back and let her live her life. Mistakes and all. At the end of the day, it is time to love my children and myself and look towards being a happier and healthier person.

Probably wont be my last post on this matter, but I am not sure that R is the right place for my thread anymore. I am committed to separating and moving on. Thanks to everyone who spent the time to get to know me and my situation and watch me stumble through it each day at a time. I have friends in similar situations, and have informed them of the great people here.


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## tracyishere

DT123 said:


> These words ring so true. The truth is, I have reached the enough is enough and can no longer endure. She actually left me an opportunity this weekend to capture a video of her with him kissing. TBH, seeing that happen did me a lot of good. I thought it would hurt, but it didn't. I am ready to file and for this all to be over. Then she can be happy in her own way and so can I. Real closure comes in the most unusual forms.
> 
> It almost feels like I am being a quitter or giving up, but after seeing how she was with him, I honestly know that I can never be that for her again. She is experiencing pain in this too and it isn't fair for either of us to force anything because we have children. I do still feel like she is being used by this guy, but if she refuses to see the facts, then I have to step back and let her live her life. Mistakes and all. At the end of the day, it is time to love my children and myself and look towards being a happier and healthier person.
> 
> Probably wont be my last post on this matter, but I am not sure that R is the right place for my thread anymore. I am committed to separating and moving on. Thanks to everyone who spent the time to get to know me and my situation and watch me stumble through it each day at a time. I have friends in similar situations, and have informed them of the great people here.


Wishing you all the best


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## DT123

Been a while since I have updated anyone. This last week was really rough. Wednesday was my 9th wedding anniversary and the first one that I did not spend with MT. It was also the day I got the phone call that my divorce has been filed and she will be served by Monday. 

I am trying to deal with the realization that she will no longer be my wife in a matter of months and I am not sure what to do with that. I feel like I am quitting. Throwing in the towel and giving up on my life as I know it. Not sure if that is normal or not. She still spends the night with him on the regular and since my last post, has brought him around my children twice.

I know I mentioned that my cousins mom was in the hospital but, she passed away shortly after that post and before we could have her funeral, another one of my aunts passed away. I said good bye to two of the kindest, sweetest women I have met in a 6 day period. My heart is heavy with grief and i think that might be why I feel bad about having her served. I keep thinking she will come around and make changes, but she doesn't and I let myself get hurt each time.


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## tracyishere

DT123 said:


> Been a while since I have updated anyone. This last week was really rough. Wednesday was my 9th wedding anniversary and the first one that I did not spend with MT. It was also the day I got the phone call that my divorce has been filed and she will be served by Monday.
> 
> I am trying to deal with the realization that she will no longer be my wife in a matter of months and I am not sure what to do with that. I feel like I am quitting. Throwing in the towel and giving up on my life as I know it. Not sure if that is normal or not. She still spends the night with him on the regular and since my last post, has brought him around my children twice.
> 
> I know I mentioned that my cousins mom was in the hospital but, she passed away shortly after that post and before we could have her funeral, another one of my aunts passed away. I said good bye to two of the kindest, sweetest women I have met in a 6 day period. My heart is heavy with grief and i think that might be why I feel bad about having her served. I keep thinking she will come around and make changes, but she doesn't and I let myself get hurt each time.


DT. ask to have your thread moved to the divorce and separation forum. I am sure you will get more helpful tips from people going through this exact experience you are. I cannot provide any constructive feedback on that as I never had to file for divorce. 

I hope someone else can give you some insight and support to understand the process further. 

My heart is heavy for you though. I cannot even imagine.❤


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## Mr Blunt

> *By DT123*
> I am committed to separating and moving on.
> *
> I am trying to deal with the realization that she will no longer be my wife in a matter of months* and I am not sure what to do with that. I feel like I am quitting. Throwing in the towel and giving up on my life as I know it. Not sure if that is normal or not. She still spends the night with him on the regular and since my last post, has brought him around my children twice.


She is no longer your wife right NOW but I realize that you have to wait for the legal system to catch up.
DT123, you are a man that went the extra mile and you are not the one that broke this marriage apart. I know that your emotions will be all over the place and you will have feeling like “I am quitting” and “giving up on life” but you should not feel that it is your job to make your wife change. She has a free will and there is NOTHING you can do to take that away from her. She is a very sick, twisted, and wounded person, by her own choices but you can not save her, she has to save herself.
You seem like a very good man and you do have strength. No one can go through what you have gone thorough without being strong. Yes I know you feel weak and defeated but that is temporary. You have shown that you are not going to tolerate any more of the huge disrespect that your wife has shown you for months. You have no guilt in this break up and you did more than many husbands would do to save a marriage. You will have to battle a lot of ups and downs in the next few months but if you do it right you will be a LOT better next year.

*You and your childen are the ONLY ones that you should consentrate on and you will have to force yourself to stop thinking about your wife.* I know you know this by the posts that you have made below:


> I need to put my efforts into doing what is right for my kids and I from here on out.
> 
> Starting to realize that caring about my kids first and then me second is a lot easier than trying to put her at number one when I am still so angry with her
> 
> It is time to love my children and myself and look towards being a happier and healthier person.


DO NOT take your eyes off you and your children, you owe your wife nothing. Never let your wife or any wife disrepect you like she did ever again! *Allowing disrepect damages the husband, the wife and the children.*


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