# Moving backwards.



## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

Well not to beat a dead horse however, in the last few weeks I had received emails from the ex...After no contact in many many months... So enough about that...

However, my issue is, this has triggered many feelings of loss and loneliness and resentment, and in a way this chips away at me... I know it should not but for some reason I am letting get to me. 

For some reason, I feel like, calling her.. or at least visiting the idea.. 

I am usually real strong however in the last week or so, I feel like I am slipping backwards. Not sure why,.. 

Trying to sort this out, what questions pop into my head are, am I lonely, do I miss the relationship, has spending too much time at work caused me not to face this as much as I should? ... Heck I am at work right now. 

In the past I just needed to get busy with something to distract me... 

I thought I was doing so well, and felt solid. 

Apparently not as much as I thought. Is this normal?

In a way I guess I am asking for opinions and directions.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

dajam said:


> Well not to beat a dead horse however, in the last few weeks I had received emails from the ex...After no contact in many many months... So enough about that...
> 
> However, my issue is, this has triggered many feelings of loss and loneliness and resentment, and in a way this chips away at me... I know it should not but for some reason I am letting get to me.
> 
> ...


Everything you are describing is totally normal. Its part of the journey.

I don't know your story, but if the end of your marriage was as painful as most, I would tell you that contacting your Ex is probably a bad idea.


----------



## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

Hey Dajam

Might be easier if you had kept your original thread going instead of starting another one each time related concern comes up unless you provide the detailed background all over again.

Well anyway...you got loads of insights, advice and suggestions already. Have you started seeing a therapist? How many dates have you had since? Did you manage to push yourself to do the kind of things you were suggested to do? 

Have you thought of asking yourself if you want to continue to be your ex's doormat as long as you live? Hang in there!


----------



## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

poppyseed said:


> Hey Dajam
> 
> Might be easier if you had kept your original thread going instead of starting another one each time related concern comes up unless you provide the detailed background all over again.
> 
> ...


Yes you are correct.. I should have added on to a previous posting.. 

As far as an IC goes, been there... done that however I am going to start it again. Especially since this is bothering the heck out of me. 

As far dating goes, no.....

I do have a girl on my mind however I have not seen or talked to her in a couple of months. I m not sure if I am ready to take that on. As she is a really nice girl with a kid and I do not believe it would be right to go down that road with present mixed emotions... 

As far as being a doormat I am not. Just after a LTR and being a one girl guy... It can be difficult to process.. and I do know I will be fine.. 

Sometimes I think I have to go through these valleys once in a while just to serve as a wake-up call... To pull my head out.

So moving forward is easier everyday...


----------



## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

dajam said:


> I do have a girl on my mind however I have not seen or talked to her in a couple of months. I m not sure if I am ready to take that on. As she is a really nice girl with a kid and I do not believe it would be right to go down that road with present mixed emotions...
> 
> As far as being a doormat I am not. Just after a LTR and being a one girl guy... It can be difficult to process.. *and I do know I will be fine..
> 
> ...


*


:rofl::rofl::rofl: 

You do sound very delicate and vulnerable though.

I have to agree, a girl with a young child is not going to help in your life stage. Best to stay away from possible traps and you feel unable to get out knowing you are "Mr Nice Guy"! Do not consider any dates who expect you to invest on them too prematurely. Invest in yourself. I get the feeling that you are very religious? 

It might be worth exploring why you didn't feel much when your ex cheated on someone else? It may be worth finding a good therapist, even a Christian one if you are. 

What worries me slightly is that you seem to be isolating yourself from social activities (?) based on what you already told us? I feel for you. Good luck, Dajam!*


----------



## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

poppyseed said:


> :rofl::rofl::rofl:
> 
> You do sound very delicate and vulnerable though.
> 
> ...



Thanks you for the compliment.. as I am a delicate guy... :rofl:

Religious, no. Just a guy with ethics and a solid moral compass.. Which in itself brings some challenges in today's society. However I am good with this. 

As far as how I was feeling when I was cheated on, at the time pissed and hurt however in hindsight I never really had time to really process it. In a way it may be sinking in now. 

First time in my life that I can decompress, and focus on my self... .. It is about me.... 

Social isolation is a challenge, I think this is was one of the triggers that sent me on this emotional roller coaster over the last week or so. In a discussion with a real good friend last night (over 20 years) he said the same thing. 

He knows I am a social person and I have been diving into work again. (typically 50- to 60/hrs week)....1st change needed. 

I work in executive management at a casino.. So there is always something to bury myself in... I am realizing this is just an excuse to not focus on me... 

Good news is. I read the input form everyone and I listen., :smthumbup:


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

dajam, this is painfully normal stuff. 
It’s also very healing and telling at the same time.
Sounds like you mind is telling you it’s time for more “you time” and less work.
Seems to me like you were craving contact and its natural to have the urge to reach out to someone familiar.

I am wrestling with something similar today. Today is/was our 19th anniversary so I’m fighting the urge to reach out and smack her through email.
So far so good….so far…
I find that anniversary dates are the hardest for me and tend to warm up the old triggers. As long as I know about them I can usually control them.

Sometimes they sneak up on me. I was working on the apartment that my ex and I lived in for two years and realized that as I was working on the sill of the door, that I was also lying in the exact spot that I had knelt on the floor and asked her to marry me. Queue the AC/DC! ( “Pull the Trigggerrrrrrrrrr!!!”)
Damn I just triggered myself again describing it!

The best way to deal with the triggers is to acknowledge them and give them a form. That way they are easy wrangle and can sometimes be used for good things.

Remember that “me time”… one of the best things for you. 


----------



## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

SamuraiJack said:


> dajam, this is painfully normal stuff.
> It’s also very healing and telling at the same time.
> Sounds like you mind is telling you it’s time for more “you time” and less work.
> Seems to me like you were craving contact and its natural to have the urge to reach out to someone familiar.
> ...


Work, You got that right... Less work and more play. For me it is a weird state of thought. Not even sure how to play anymore... However I am up to the challenge.. lol.. 

Yes, reaching out to a familiar person is what I am used to. That is gone however I have this forum now. :toast:

To be honest, I think this is a just lul in the ole biorhythms. I allow my self a moment, to do just what you said, Acknowledge and move on. Good advice.

as far as your anniversary goes, just imagine it is the day that sent you on a new and better path. I get it... 19 years.. You know the routine of marriage and we are all wiser now. 

Sorry for bring up a flash back however the future is where it is at. No matter what that is in our control.


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Nahhhh...Flashbacks are fine. It lets you know something is still up.
It went away very quickly...the ACDC song however....did not.


----------



## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

I felt like I needed to jump in here.

My WAW wanted to get back to gether after 14 months. I had a nagging feeling that if I id not try, I would always have regrets. Broke off a growing relationship that was having some troubles but nothing insurmountable.

Eight weeks into the R, I am coming to realize that this is not going to work. I may have sacrificed my other relationship but if this ends with D, I will not have any second thoughts.

Just a perspective to consider,
Stretch


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

So what do you do exactly? When you aren't working, what are you doing?

Hobbies? Interests? What are your passions and goals that you are working towards?

I can't promise anything, but I bet if you figured that aspect of your life out and started hitting it hard, you'd stop thinking about your ex and start focusing on making your life better for yourself. Funny how that tends to attract people as well.

It started for me when I found dancing. I know a lot of people that "got it" doing martial arts (BJJ). Some discover their passion at the gym, or on a motorcycle, or working on a car.

Everyone's different, but if you're plopping on the couch after work, you're not doing your life any favors.


----------



## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

Stretch said:


> I felt like I needed to jump in here.
> 
> My WAW wanted to get back to gether after 14 months. I had a nagging feeling that if I id not try, I would always have regrets. Broke off a growing relationship that was having some troubles but nothing insurmountable.
> 
> ...


Ouch, I have had similar thoughts.  I have changed, no way to know if the ex has. (problem) Am I willing to take that chance?.. Probably not. :nono: Take it on with another, yes but she will be vetted like no other.. I am not going to be a nice guy and become a doormat.. I will be a good guy, with solid boundaries. :rules:


----------



## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

SamuraiJack said:


> Nahhhh...Flashbacks are fine. It lets you know something is still up.
> It went away very quickly...the ACDC song however....did not.


Good point.. and AC/DC was the last big concert I went to... :smthumbup:


----------



## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

COguy said:


> So what do you do exactly? When you aren't working, what are you doing?
> 
> Hobbies? Interests? What are your passions and goals that you are working towards?
> 
> ...


That is one problem, I have to sort this part out of life again.. I used to off road (always had a jeep), shooting, I ride a Harley... Love flipping homes. So choices are abundant and clarify priorities. 

Yes flopping on a couch is bad but sometime I enjoy the crap out of it. I work so much and am mentally exhausted, when I get home.. (excuse) Been hitting the gym a bit, going to go to start with a trainer next week. Best part of this, is some of my tribal friends go to the same place.. So I will get "heat" from them if I no show.. Motivation.....:smthumbup:

With that said, I do get what you are saying, just need to surround myself with uplifting people.


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

dajam said:


> That is one problem, I have to sort this part out of life again.. I used to off road (always had a jeep), shooting, I ride a Harley... Love flipping homes. So choices are abundant and clarify priorities.
> 
> Yes flopping on a couch is bad but sometime I enjoy the crap out of it. I work so much and am mentally exhausted, when I get home.. (excuse) Been hitting the gym a bit, going to go to start with a trainer next week. Best part of this, is some of my tribal friends go to the same place.. So I will get "heat" from them if I no show.. Motivation.....:smthumbup:
> 
> With that said, I do get what you are saying, just need to surround myself with uplifting people.


Go live your life man. Any decision you make from a place of depression and sadness is going to be a bad one. Go get your passion back and when you're happy with life and yourself then you will make good decisions about your relationships.

You're not whole at the moment, even if getting back with your wife was a good idea (it usually isn't), it wouldn't turn out well if you're not whole.


----------



## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

COguy said:


> Go live your life man. Any decision you make from a place of depression and sadness is going to be a bad one. Go get your passion back and when you're happy with life and yourself then you will make good decisions about your relationships.
> 
> You're not whole at the moment, even if getting back with your wife was a good idea (it usually isn't), it wouldn't turn out well if you're not whole.


Oh, I get what you are saying.. Absolutely.... 

I am aware that decisions made in this funk can be a bad decision. Unless of course it is in a positive direction. As far as being whole. I understand that. 

I know I am better now than a year ago. As previously mentioned in another post, forgot who said it, rule of thumb"1 month of being single for every year of Marriage".

Similar to the age difference dating rule.. 1/2 + 7...

I am looking to get back to an IC and get moving forward again.. This is a temporary slip.....


----------



## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Dajam..... we are all guilty of lulling ourselves back into 

familiarity. Sometimes we prefer it, even if it is clearly a wrong

choice. I went back with my 1st and 2nd loves (high school and 

college g/f) when we broke up. Like Stretch.... I was afraid of "what 

if." I wasted a lot of time trying it again with each. If your gut is

telling you not to re-connect with her, it is best to carry on with

you life. Missing her is very understandable. I still miss and love my

X (div in Feb '13) but only the person she WAS many years ago.

Whoever she was in the end, was a stranger.


----------



## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

TormentedGiselle said:


> Hi
> I can understand that you feel lonely. I'm experiencing loneliness myself right now. I think your ex- wife shouldn't be contacting you as this makes it difficult for you to move on. Do you have kids together? If not, there's no reason for her to contact you. Id suggest sending her an email to request she stop emailing you. If that doesn't work,you can try blocking her emails to you.
> 
> I'd like to know what you think. You need to be given a chance to move on.


Well you asked and here is my thoughts at this moment... 

No kids, she actually replaced having kids with Dog's. Multiple MC's and IC's told her to make me the priority not the animals. Did Not. I could never understand that nor get by it. 

Other things in my life. During the demise of marriage, before, and during, separation and Divorce . I did everything, I mean everything. More than I want to revisit. She always said let me help but never followed through. rinse and repeat, nonsensical stress added to my life. Plus many more stress factors.

As far as shutting her email down I could but will not. OK, before this blows up. the reason behind that is two fold, she is real close to my mother and still visits her frequently. My mom is 83, if something happens to her (mom) If that includes the EX emailing me or me her for emergencies so be it. I want to have all communication lines open. (I understand most of you will barf at that statement) it is not to keep her on a string in my life. 

I do agree she should stop emailing me and I will deal witht hat soon, or just say to heck with it and her... and move on. 

I few more months of this I should be great. Just need to take the advice I have been given and run with it.,


----------

