# Not sure what to think anymore...



## swd (Sep 12, 2010)

I wouldn't normally post on something like this but I'm feeling desperate and have no one to turn to. I guess a good place to start is the beginning... (sorry if this is long!)

Hubby and I got together quite soon (6 months) after he separated from his first wife. She cheated on him and then refused to talk to him about anything. He was a really great guy, and didn't deserve any of that. 

We've been together 4 years now and married for the last 1 1/2. A few months after we were married, we decided to move overseas so hubby could follow a dream of his. He went first, and I followed a few months later so we would still have my income in the meantime. I've ended up working from home, and working crazy hours (to start with so we could afford for him to go for his dream), and because of that, coupled with being really shy, I haven't managed to make any friends in this new country (aside from those who are more my husbands friends than mine).

On the other hand, hubby has always had social anxiety, but seems to have overcome it here which is fantastic. Except now, he's out 3 times a week drinking with friends. He never seems to want to spend time with me. A couple of weeks ago he explained how he was feeling and said he thought I needed to go back home and he'd follow 6 months later so he could be independent for a while and thought that the break would make him realise what he had. When he told me this, he also mentioned that he's attracted to other girls here. I don't want to take the break and be so far away and not able to work on our marriage, especially when he's talking about other girls.

So now we're taking it day by day and he does seem to be trying a little harder when he's around me, but he's still out 3 nights a week (partly because that's the way it is in the hospitality industry). Then yesterday, I found out he's been texting a girl he works with constantly (he hates texting). I confronted him about it and at first he wouldn't say who it was and then admitted it was the girl he told me liked him. He assures me they're only friends and could understand how I felt finding out as he'd experienced the same thing, but I just don't know. He said he would text her less, and then I found out he's text her 10 times after we had this discussion last night.

I know deep down he's a great guy, I just think he's having some kind of breakdown (he's 33 and trying to be young again, I'm 24 and more mature for my age). I also think there's probably some issues there from his last marriage that he hasn't dealt with. But I really don't know what to do. I'm constantly in a panic, and home alone so much I'm going crazy. I'm hurting so much. My closest friends are his family so I can't talk to them. My family's on vacation for a while.

I really love him, and I know he's treating me like crap at the moment but I still want to try and make this work. I just don't know how long I can take it for. I feel like nothing is secure or stable in my life right now.

Would love any advice and wisdom - I'm sick of this spinning around in my head. Do you think he's cheating? Any strategies for winning him back? I've been trying to act more care free and let him be a bit more independent for now and it seems to have been working the last few days and we've been having some good times when we're together and lots of laughs. He's out tonight though, and I'm super panicky. And with just discovering that he's still texting that girl - I don't know what to think. When do you think a girl-guy friendship is overstepping the boundaries when one of them is married?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Yeah, I would say he is cheating. It is an emotional affair at the very least. He needs to stop all contact with that girl he is texting. There are plenty of resources on this site to guide you through this situation. Go to this website for more help. http://affaircare.com/index.htm


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## swd (Sep 12, 2010)

Thanks that website is really good.


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## Brioli (Sep 6, 2010)

I have been in your shoes...and am now. Truthfully it's not as bad as what you are dealing with though (at least for me with my H...but I have dealt with things like this in the past). I haven't had the "texting" of women, but I wouldn't doubt it was going on (some form of communication with other women anyway). I ache for you...because I too am shy. I have two friends, but they live far away now (and no family). When you have NO ONE to talk to...you will feel like you are going crazy. My H is 40 and I am 34. He goes out...does the same type things you have described. I have been with my H for 4 years too. When I met him he was severely hurt by his ex. I found myself sacrificing so much of myself (or putting myself out there rather) to help him feel secure and loved in the relationship...it has gotten me no where but hurt. I wish I could give you better advice...I know if my situation with H was that far I would leave (easier said then done)...but I will say the fact that he is 33 gives you hope...He could be a late bloomer (at least that is what I like to call them)...but..."COULD" is the key word there. There are many men that have a hard time leaving those 20's behind, and for many it takes longer to grow up and realize what really matters in life. The negative side of that...is that not all of them do. Not all of them realize...some never do. I would like to believe that more often then not, they do, but I have never truly researched any statistics on this.

I know that you are 24, and it's been scientifically proven that for the most part women mature faster than men. Add into that, life experiences, and you could be well beyond your years (I don't know)...but....you both are still young (I used to hate when people said that to me...hopefully you don't. I'm finally at the age where people don't say this...and now I wish they would....lol!)...I know it may not seem like it, but you are both young. I think you are very insightful to realize that he is dealing with hitting those 30's, but still feeling like he is 20.

The thing that concerns me though, is the fact that he was willing to settle down with you knowing (assuming he realizes) that he is not ready for it. To me that is selfish, but it may be 'unintentional' selfishness. I think most men would agree that they would give anything to have the best of both worlds (you follow me?), but that is until they realize just how very special it is to have someone who loves you unconditionally and you can share everything with (and TRUST). Some people never get to that place, so they never realize. I don't think your H realizes what you have sacrificed for him to follow his dream, and if he does he certainty doesn't seem to appreciate it ...'yet'anyway. One thing I have learned if nothing else is that life and marriage is full of ups and downs, times when you love one another and times when you hate each other, but the people that make it are those that stick together. Have you tried sitting down and talking with him when everything is calm and you guys aren't fighting, bitter, or stressed out? Have you tried asking him what he finds so great about doing these things and how you feel about it?


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## swd (Sep 12, 2010)

Thanks for your wisdom Brioli  

I think with H, it's all confused by his social anxiety/depression. It's only in the last few months that he's changed (originally he seemed keen to settle down etc) and that he's felt like he hasn't had to deal with the anxiety for the first time in his life. Coupled with him working in the hospo industry and working with people a fair bit younger than himself and suddenly having all this confidence - I think its been a bad combo, but if we get through this I can see us being much stronger.

Had a little breakthrough I think last night. He'd been out with the usual crowd and then came home all apologetic and saying he's really going to change. He said he's realised they're not true friends, they don't truly care and only like him when he's drinking with them and will act differently if he leaves early. He also knows he needs to quit the drinking and has promised he won't drink this week. I hadn't been with him when he previously worked in hospo, and he told me last night that he developed a real drinking problem to cope with the anxiety then. He had his first panic attack in a long time yesterday and then tried to drink his way out of it. He said he's realised he can't work in hospo, and needs to find another job.

I totally agree with you regarding the appreciation thing and how much I've sacrificed. I don't think he fully realises yet, but I'm hoping this is a step in the right direction. Hopefully we can talk this week when as you say, we're not fighting or stressed out.


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## recursive (Nov 2, 2010)

swd,

Hi! I'm just curious how your situation resolved. I'm kinda in the same boat thought kinda not too. I moved to another country for my boyfriend. Because it was an international relationship, I have to say that half of our time together has been apart at least. We're almost 2 years together now. He's wonderful and attentive and charismatic and gregarious. But I can't help but shake the feeling that in our times apart he's found companionship with other girls. He claims nothing happened but I just feel like his correspondance with them is too frequent to be dismissed. It bothers me but when i tell him he says they're just friends. Sigh. . I guess i'm feeling a little lost on who to talk to. Because I am here in another country on my own. I don't feel comfortable talking with his friends about it and also my friends too for fear of painting him in a negative light if all this worry is for nothing. I guess I need someone to relate to.


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

Speaking from experience I know that temptation is higher when you are in a new country. I have experienced this and spoken to others in the same situation who have confirmed it to me. Most agree that it tends to pass within two or three years.

I would suggest that you don't leave each other for an extended period of time, that you ask for transparency in terms of social life and mobile and internet use and that you keep talking. It is good that he has been as open as he has, try and keep that going by not being too judgemental.


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