# Decision time



## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

Hi Everyone, I am pretty much a newbie to this site and was hoping for some honest answers to my questions.

Just a little background information - I am 50; DH is 54, married nearly 19 years with 3 dependent children. I have been a SAHM for the last 16yrs and have been unable to find a job due to being out of the workforce for so many years. Since giving up work as well as my independence and money it has been very hard for me to be financially dependable on someone else. It is something that I now regret doing and feel completely trapped.

My problem is that I no longer love my husband or find him attractive anymore due to resentment that has built up over the years. DH still loves me very much. I have not told him how I feel because I don’t know if that would change anything, however, I think he may know otherwise we are very compatible. He is a good provider and a decent father to our kids. I do not have a support group or friends that I can talk about this to.

I was wondering what you would do in this situation:

1)	Stay in the marriage and feel this way for the next 25-30 years?

2)	I don’t want to be alone. How hard at 50 would it be to meet someone else?

3)	Is the grass greener on the other side?

I don’t have a job so leaving will be impossible at the moment and our lifestyle will be impacted greatly and we will be worse off financially and so will our children.

I am not a risk taker by nature and being older is probably a bad idea to start afresh after all I am not 30 anymore and have time on my side but I don't think I can take this any longer without something drastically to happen.

Counselling for me has not helped. I was basically told to make new friends by joining a sporting club or volunteering and live a independent life while still being married.

It is very hard to be intimate with someone you no longer love and for those reasons there have been many problems in that area over the years.

Feeling depressed.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why are you resentful towards your husband?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

What actions does he do that make you fall out of love? Are your expectations based in reality? Is some of your frustration about not being independent directed at him? Whose idea was it for you to be a SAHM?

As for a job, I suggest networking and finding people that can help you there. Friends, family, acquaintances, even volunteer work temporarily for work experience.

Also, what made you first fall in love with him?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Lifeiscomplicated said:


> Counselling for me has not helped. I was basically told to make new friends by joining a sporting club or volunteering and live a independent life while still being married.


Did counseling not help because you didn't like the suggestions you received? What's wrong with volunteering? It often leads to getting a job. You have to do some of the heavy lifting if you want to find a job. It may be a totally crappy, low paying job. When I left my husband and needed a job, I worked at a fast food stand in a mall food court. Here I was with a college degree asking customers (some who were total a$$holes) if they wanted fries. But I got a job, earned money, and worked really hard at finding a job that would fit my skill set.

So what are the problem(s) you have with your husband? 

Is the grass greener on the other side? Depends on your own thinking. After all, no matter where you go, you always take yourself. For me, living alone is great. And I happen to enjoy my own company.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Life,

This is complicated. But first a few observations/questions?
(1) if you no longer love your husband, the chances of your remaining miserably quiet for 25-30 years are not great. 
(2) he apparently has no clue. If I am worng on that I apologize
(3) your sex life is not great because you ain't "feeling it". That means his sex life is not great either.
(4) understand there are no guarantees. Does not matter if you are 20 or 50. Spouses leave each other for what they think are greener pastures all the time and find out all is not rosy.
(5) your post does not indicate you are in any form of inappropriate relationship with any other man. If you are, that is surely one thing that will make hubby not attractive to you if your emotions are with someone else.

RESENTMENT- you need to get to the bottom of that one because that is a maor issue and you know it. It is also a reason many use to justify an affair. If you are a SAHM, you need to think really hard before you go down that route.

BEING ALONE- well that one is on your side. Women have generally an easier time getting out in the dating world because for since the beginning of time, men chase women. But of course it all depends on you personally on how difficult it would be to have a nice social life.

FINANCES-- this is the $60,000 question. If you are seriously thinking of leaving your husband you really need to see an attorney to see exactly what it would look like in your location. There is no doubt your stay at home days will probably end and yes you will probably struggle, both of you. But that solely is not going to hold you together for 25 years. And if you cheat and get caught (and the overwhelming number of those that cheat do get caught), your options may not be as good as being upfront. But see an attorney. 

But the biggest thing you have to understand is that what you are talking about is a monumental decision with NO WAY to predict the long term outcome. My recommendation to you is to invest some more time into therapy, sex therapy or just regular vanilla MC, and figure out hnow you got where you are.

If you are truly beyond having any desire to fix this, you will be better off facing it head on that being or doing something deceitful. You may not love him but respect him


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## Legend (Jun 25, 2013)

Better to work on your marriage. For most, the grass is not greener on the other side unless you're married to a real POS.

The odds are that you will be happier 5 years from now if you stay and work on your issues vs divorcing and remarrying (64% vs 19% according to a recent study).

The thing that needs to change is your attitude toward your marriage. Focus on being a better wife to your husband. Open, honest communication is the key to making a better husband. 

If you can't be honest with your husband, who can you be honest with?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Legend said:


> Better to work on your marriage. For most, the grass is not greener on the other side unless you're married to a real POS.
> 
> *The odds are that you will be happier 5 years from now if you stay and work on your issues vs divorcing and remarrying (64% vs 19% according to a recent study).*
> 
> ...


Beat me to it. QFT.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Let's hear the resentment reasons first then worry about what to do later.

Better yet, lets hear what it would take to overcome said resentment..


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## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

Mr.Fisty said:


> What actions does he do that make you fall out of love? Are your expectations based in reality? Is some of your frustration about not being independent directed at him? Whose idea was it for you to be a SAHM?


A few years ago I was in a bad place with my depression. I was just coping with the help of medication looking after the house and kids and the last thing I felt like at the end of the day was sex and had zero drive. To a HD husband this was causing much frustration and anger in the relationship with him saying some very nasty things to me as well as pushing me to have sex with him.

Also, the fact that I don't work he has the final say in what we spend money on. At times I feel that I am not an equal and have no say in the matter. I understand the reasons why but I still don't like it. I guess that is my problem coming from a single income family. I hate him smoking and he won't give up. He doesn't smoke much but I hate the smell on his breath which is why I won't kiss him passionately anymore and haven't for years.

I have no idea whether my expectations are based in reality.

It was both of our decision for me to stay home with the children. It wasn't worth it financially to go back to work part time and put the kids in childcare. 

With regards to finding work it is extremely hard after being home for so many years and being that much older now. I have wanted to do some courses to help me become more employable but these courses cost thousands of dollars and my husband is not prepared to pay for me to do them, so there are very few jobs that I can apply for without having the correct qualifications.


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## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

straightshooter said:


> Life,
> 
> This is complicated. But first a few observations/questions?
> (1) if you no longer love your husband, the chances of your remaining miserably quiet for 25-30 years are not great.
> ...


2.) I think he knows but hasn't said anything to me. I also do not want to hurt him if I can help it.
5.) No, there isn't any third party involved, however it has crossed my mind but only because of how I feel.

_BEING ALONE- well that one is on your side. Women have generally an easier time getting out in the dating world because for since the beginning of time, men chase women. But of course it all depends on you personally on how difficult it would be to have a nice social life._ 

I am of the thoughts that it would be harder for women especially older women because most men of similar age tend to want younger women.

_My recommendation to you is to invest some more time into therapy, sex therapy or just regular vanilla MC._ 

Sex life has improved immensely over the last year however, I feel that is due to a particular medication that I am on. My concern is when I eventually come off this medication our sex life will go back to how it was with me not interested (A lot of the time it is because I can't O) and him attacking me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Are you unconsciously and unfairly blaming your husband for the fact that you are depressed?

Or is your husband really the cause of your depression?

If the former, then it is likely that you would merely, again, unconsciously, look for someone or something else to blame for your depression.

I think your case is one when a person genuinely needs to fix what ails them before they try to fix anyone else or anything else.

Maybe you need a better counsellor one with more empathy and true understanding of the horrors that people who feel depressed can go through?


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Life,

OK. Lets start with the one big positive here and that is that you are level headed enough to seek advice BEFORE a third party gets involved here. And for now I'd advise you since you have thought about it to put it off the table. So let's analyze the problems
YOU RESENT
(1) his demanding sex and pressuring you before you went on this medication that has improved your sex life
(2) his lack of "partnering" with you on financial issues since he is the breadwinner which was a mutual decision
(3) his refusal to quit smoking, which is a major factor in your lacking the desire to truly be intimate with him and kiss him.
So far, nothing about him being abusive, just apparently pig headed and unable to kick the smoking habit, which is not easy. Also nothing about him cheating either. 

To be honest, my guess is that a good MC would not find anything there that would make improving your relationship anything close to "mission impossible", providing you both want to make the effort. 

The big question is is do you want to make the effort.So some more questions
(1) SWhat have you told him about his smoking. Have you told him right to his face why you do not want to do any serious "make out sessions"??? If so, what is his response?? You are entitled to have him do this and it does show some unreasonable behavior on his part if he adamantly refuses to even try. For men, sex is the primary need in a long term relationship. If he would rather smoke than get laid he really needs some help himself.
(2) the financial issues IS a big one. You raised his children and gave up whatever career and earning power for many years to do what was best for your family. I THINK THIS IS A BIG BIG issue and it appears he is not acting as a partner but as a dictator. This one is where MC could probably really help.
Like I said, if you read these forums there are folks with problems that are seemingly bigger obstacles than what you face, and the fact that there are no other men involved here is the big one and it needs to stay that way until you sort this out.

If you choose to end the marriage, and if you are in the USA (I can't comment nor am I qualified to on other countries), unless you have or can acquire a very marketable skill you are going to as you stated have a difficult time establishing financial independence. Can it be done?? Sure, but probably not immediately. If you are going to school, I'd suggest nursing or something in the medical profession.

And this will affect your kids. But that is not a freason to stay long term if you are that unhappy or if he refuses to even communicate properly with you.

Lastly, as far as being 50 year old single or divorced women. To be blunt, that depends on a few things. My FWW is close to 50 and can attract 30 year old men in droves if she wanted to. Her two OM were that age. If you are taking good care of yourself you are not at the age where all of us men are dying off. Most dating sites if you went that route are still predominantly men and women can pick and choose in many cases. And if you were to be just looking for "casual" relationships and sex you would find those sites like a "buffet". DO NOT GO THIS ROUTE UNTIL YOU SORT THIS OUT because like I have told you the consequences can be profound and immediate, especially if you are not prepared to be on your own.

One more thing. I would urge you to be very careful on who in real circle of friends you discuss this with. There is a narrative out there, spurred on by the new "womens" feminist movement and in every Cosmopolitan type book or publication, that having an affair at your age after child rearing is your "right" and that you are entitled to be "happy". And encouragement from your peers to do that can be very destructive and it is all too common. I would keep your discussions to this forum or hopefully a professional with your husband.

Hope you work it out


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

This is what unfortunately happens when a woman decides to be a SAHM and takes herself out of the job market. 15 or 20 years later, she can't get a job at Walmart stocking shelves.

I think (obviously) a large part of your resentment is aimed at your husband because you feel you've sacrificed a large part of yourself to stay inside a bubble for so many years while he got to remain out in the real world, growing and moving along with it while for you, you stood still. On top of that, he's managed to make you feel inferior and like the 'free help' because he's the one who decides how the money is spent.

I don't know what your chosen profession is, but why don't you maybe find a part time job *first *to kind of get your feet wet and get a little experience under your belt? Then in time, you can start looking for a full time job. You can't just un-do years of being off the job market. But you can do it a little at a time. 



> I am of the thoughts that it would be harder for women especially older women because most men of similar age tend to want younger women.


LMAO. What 50-55 year old men WANT and what they can actually *GET* are two vastly different things. When I was dating around the age of 50, men in the 50-55 age range were my target market. Most were bald or balding and what was left of their hair was white or grey, most were completely out of shape, had NOT aged well at *all*, were not very attractive and quite honestly, looked like my grandfather. I came to refer to them as The Parade of the Damned. It wasn't pretty. So I kind of doubt most 32 year old women were lining up outside their doors - _trust _me on that one. :rofl:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> This is what unfortunately happens when a woman decides to be a SAHM and takes herself out of the job market. 15 or 20 years later, she can't get a job at Walmart stocking shelves.
> 
> I think (obviously) a large part of your resentment is aimed at your husband because you feel you've sacrificed a large part of yourself to stay inside a bubble for so many years while he got to remain out in the real world, growing and moving along with it while for you, you stood still. On top of that, he's managed to make you feel inferior and like the 'free help' because he's the one who decides how the money is spent.
> 
> ...


That could possibly be because they had spent 30 years working their rear ends off only to have their wife leave them for a much younger man? (Not always, but sometimes.)

And those bald guys. So unattractive, right?
























OK. I'll give you that one...


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Not trying to be hard on you OP. Unfortunately your husband is not here, so we can only address you. 

Your resentment and reasons for it seem quite typical, but they read like one giant covert contract you had/have for him. You are expecting him to behave a certain way (leave you alone/stop asking for sex) because you've behaved a certain way (cared for kids/sacrificed career) without really talking it through CLEARLY with him. 

If you agreed to be a SAHM, you agreed. If it was becoming intolerable, eh didn't you advocate for yourself? Maybe because of your depression, which I do not at ALL take lightly, but your depression is not something your husband can cure or assist you with. Only you can and should tackle depression, with the assistance of a professional. 

So again, we only have one person here. I'm not saying your husband farts rainbows, the breath thing would gross me out too, I'm just trying to see an alternative side.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

Legend said:


> Better to work on your marriage. For most, the grass is not greener on the other side unless you're married to a real POS.
> 
> The odds are that you will be happier 5 years from now if you stay and work on your issues vs divorcing and remarrying (64% vs 19% according to a recent study).
> 
> ...


Have to agree with this 100%. You need to stop thinking that if your husband changes that it will make you happy. Only you can make yourself happy. I was years ago right where you are, home with kids, depressed and unhappy and I'm sure I was no fun to live with. It wasn't until I woke up one day and realized that I was ruining my life not my husband. I started making changes that made me happy and then I started reading books on how to make my husband into the man I needed him to be. Let me tell you though, I read a few books and everyone always told me that I needed to change the way I approached my husband and my way of thinking. 

I'm so glad I did because when I started giving my husband what he needed he started giving me what I needed and my marriage improved tenfold. I think the way your feel about your husband is because you are unhappy with yourself. Make changes to improve yourself, get a part time job and keep that money for you. Get on medication if you aren't already to improve the depression. 

The grass is not greener on the other side and leaving your husband is only going to destroy your family and your kids are going to suffer the most. If your husband is a decent man, than he will change as you change and with open honest communication and effort on both sides you can have the marriage you both want. I wish you all the best and I hope things improve for you.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Lifeiscomplicated said:


> With regards to finding work it is extremely hard after being home for so many years and being that much older now. I have wanted to do some courses to help me become more employable but these courses cost thousands of dollars and my husband is not prepared to pay for me to do them, so there are very few jobs that I can apply for without having the correct qualifications.


 You can always get a job in "Direct care" to get yourself out in the work force again.. Nursing home help, things like this...I have been mostly a stay at home for the last 27 yrs.. raising 6 kids .. 

Employers do not care if you have any working history.. they need people !! Just saying.. I am working a job like this right now.. Seems half of the female co-workers are divorced or single.. and this is how they make ends meet.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Daisy12 said:


> Have to agree with this 100%. You need to stop thinking that if your husband changes that it will make you happy. Only you can make yourself happy. I was years ago right where you are, home with kids, depressed and unhappy and I'm sure I was no fun to live with.* It wasn't until I woke up one day and realized that I was ruining my life not my husband. I started making changes that made me happy and then I started reading books on how to make my husband into the man I needed him to be. Let me tell you though, I read a few books and everyone always told me that I needed to change the way I approached my husband and my way of thinking.
> 
> I'm so glad I did because when I started giving my husband what he needed he started giving me what I needed and my marriage improved tenfold. I think the way your feel about your husband is because you are unhappy with yourself.* Make changes to improve yourself, get a part time job and keep that money for you. Get on medication if you aren't already to improve the depression.
> 
> The grass is not greener on the other side and leaving your husband is only going to destroy your family and your kids are going to suffer the most. If your husband is a decent man, than he will change as you change and with open honest communication and effort on both sides you can have the marriage you both want. I wish you all the best and I hope things improve for you.


Great post.. I think @Lifeiscomplicated needs to hear more stories like yours..


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Sex and intimacy, love, and commitment are the glues that hold a marriage together. Kissing and "making out" are part of that. A much bigger part than most people realize. Since his smoking is such a taste abd scent issue for you, have you asked him to look into vaping? He gets his nicotine and you don't have to taste or smell it. Flavored vape juice is available and the flavors come in various mgs of nicotine, so he can even step down. There are different vaping methods from the cigarette look alikes to the multi-battery sub ohm box mods. Prices vary, but anywhere from $20-$150 for a device and about $20 a week in juice for a heavy user. If he'd be willing to try it, take him to the local vape shop.

My DH went to FL to visit his parents for 2 weeks. We were both smokers, he quit while he was gone. I was left home with the dogs and kids, etc., to care for and I was ding the deep cleaning, including walls, furniture, and everything else to get rid of the smoker smell. I started smoking at 13 and I'm 41, so I just couldn't handle cold turkey withdrawls on top of everything else. I also didn't want to have DH come home and be repulsed by the house and me because of the smoking, so I switched to vaping,. I got myself a nice sub ohm box mod for a decent price, found a juice I like the flavor of, and began vaping. I started on a +ohm model, 18 mg nicotine juice. Then, after a month, I invested in a sub ohm box mod, stepped down to 3mg, and have been exploring different flavors and coils and settings. I haven't touched a cigarette since I got my vape in late July.

My favorite flavor is Kanzi, by Twelve Monkeys. I add a little menthol to it and mmmmm. DH says it smells and tastes like berries and fruit.

You mention going to classes to become more employable? Have you applied for financial aid and grants? If you are lower income, you may qualify for total financial aid. If your income is a bit higher, you may qualify for partial financial aid and can make up the difference with student loans, if you must. If you are interested in going into a traditionally male field, some community colleges have programs that offer total or partial aid to women training for traditionally male careers.

I remember when DH and I were close to splitting. He was unhappy with his career and social life, unhappy with his level of fitness, and unhappy with the smoking. Me and the marriage took the blame for a while. He felt trapped and was about to chew off his leg to get free when he realized he wasn't actually unhappy with the marriage, but with his life outside of the marriage.

Get yourself a job and/or take some classes. Get your DH off the cigarettes so he smells and tastes better to you. Maybe do some volunteer work or take up a hobby. Once you are sorted, reevaluate your marriage and see how you feel.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Was he a smoker before you married or is that something he picked up after marriage?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Great post.. I think @Lifeiscomplicated needs to hear more stories like yours..


 I agree. Work on one's self first before reevaluating the relationship. It might mean the end or it might bring more fulfillment. One needs to reach a healthy enough mental state before making life changing decisions.


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## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Maybe you need a better counsellor one with more empathy and true understanding of the horrors that people who feel depressed can go through?


Looking into that now. Thanks for the advice.


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## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Maybe you need a better counsellor one with more empathy and true understanding of the horrors that people who feel depressed can go through?


Thanks MattMatt for your advice. Looking into that now.


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## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

straightshooter said:


> Life,
> 
> OK. Lets start with the one big positive here and that is that you are level headed enough to seek advice BEFORE a third party gets involved here. And for now I'd advise you since you have thought about it to put it off the table. So let's analyze the problems
> YOU RESENT
> ...


Thanks Straightshooter for your advice. I like your style.


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## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I don't know what your chosen profession is, but why don't you maybe find a part time job *first *to kind of get your feet wet and get a little experience under your belt? Then in time, you can start looking for a full time job. You can't just un-do years of being off the job market. But you can do it a little at a time.
> 
> LMAO. What 50-55 year old men WANT and what they can actually *GET* are two vastly different things. When I was dating around the age of 50, men in the 50-55 age range were my target market. Most were bald or balding and what was left of their hair was white or grey, most were completely out of shape, had NOT aged well at *all*, were not very attractive and quite honestly, looked like my grandfather. I came to refer to them as The Parade of the Damned. It wasn't pretty. So I kind of doubt most 32 year old women were lining up outside their doors - _trust _me on that one. :rofl:


Only wanting part time work for the moment because of the kids however so is every other mother looking for p/t work so you can imagine how many applicants they are getting.

LOL sounds like my husband.


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## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> That could possibly be because they had spent 30 years working their rear ends off only to have their wife leave them for a much younger man? (Not always, but sometimes.)
> 
> And those bald guys. So unattractive, right?
> 
> ...


Thanks MattMatt for the laugh.


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## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

Daisy12 said:


> Have to agree with this 100%. You need to stop thinking that if your husband changes that it will make you happy. Only you can make yourself happy. I was years ago right where you are, home with kids, depressed and unhappy and I'm sure I was no fun to live with. It wasn't until I woke up one day and realized that I was ruining my life not my husband. I started making changes that made me happy and then I started reading books on how to make my husband into the man I needed him to be. Let me tell you though, I read a few books and everyone always told me that I needed to change the way I approached my husband and my way of thinking.
> 
> I'm so glad I did because when I started giving my husband what he needed he started giving me what I needed and my marriage improved tenfold. I think the way your feel about your husband is because you are unhappy with yourself. Make changes to improve yourself, get a part time job and keep that money for you. Get on medication if you aren't already to improve the depression.
> 
> The grass is not greener on the other side and leaving your husband is only going to destroy your family and your kids are going to suffer the most. If your husband is a decent man, than he will change as you change and with open honest communication and effort on both sides you can have the marriage you both want. I wish you all the best and I hope things improve for you.


Thanks Daisy12.


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## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

SimplyAmorous said:


> You can always get a job in "Direct care" to get yourself out in the work force again.. Nursing home help, things like this...I have been mostly a stay at home for the last 27 yrs.. raising 6 kids ..
> 
> Employers do not care if you have any working history.. they need people !! Just saying.. I am working a job like this right now.. Seems half of the female co-workers are divorced or single.. and this is how they make ends meet.


Thanks! I will definitely look into this.


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## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> Sex and intimacy, love, and commitment are the glues that hold a marriage together. Kissing and "making out" are part of that. A much bigger part than most people realize. Since his smoking is such a taste abd scent issue for you, have you asked him to look into vaping? He gets his nicotine and you don't have to taste or smell it. Flavored vape juice is available and the flavors come in various mgs of nicotine, so he can even step down. There are different vaping methods from the cigarette look alikes to the multi-battery sub ohm box mods. Prices vary, but anywhere from $20-$150 for a device and about $20 a week in juice for a heavy user. If he'd be willing to try it, take him to the local vape shop.
> 
> My DH went to FL to visit his parents for 2 weeks. We were both smokers, he quit while he was gone. I was left home with the dogs and kids, etc., to care for and I was ding the deep cleaning, including walls, furniture, and everything else to get rid of the smoker smell. I started smoking at 13 and I'm 41, so I just couldn't handle cold turkey withdrawls on top of everything else. I also didn't want to have DH come home and be repulsed by the house and me because of the smoking, so I switched to vaping,. I got myself a nice sub ohm box mod for a decent price, found a juice I like the flavor of, and began vaping. I started on a +ohm model, 18 mg nicotine juice. Then, after a month, I invested in a sub ohm box mod, stepped down to 3mg, and have been exploring different flavors and coils and settings. I haven't touched a cigarette since I got my vape in late July.
> 
> ...


Thanks! I come from the land Down Under and no there is no financial aid or subsidy for people like myself returning to the workforce. The only people entitled to a subsidy are single mothers on a pension or new immigrants/migrants otherwise you pay full fees which can be very expensive eg. short course 8-16 weeks between $4,500 - $15,000 or a degree or similar which is a great deal more expensive and there is still no guarantees of getting a job.

Never thought of Vapor smoking. What a good idea. I will mentioned this to him. Pity it wasn't around in my day. I smoked for 17yrs then finally gave up to become pregnant then became addicted to Nicorette gum for the next 11yrs.


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## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Was he a smoker before you married or is that something he picked up after marriage?


No, we were both smokers when we met but I gave up to become pregnant some 17yrs ago and by now I was hoping he too would have given up.


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## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

Mr.Fisty said:


> I agree. Work on one's self first before reevaluating the relationship. It might mean the end or it might bring more fulfillment. One needs to reach a healthy enough mental state before making life changing decisions.


Agree! Depression sucks! Started off with sadness after birth of 2nd baby then came to a head a couple of years later due to grief. By then I could barely get out bed let alone look after 2 small children and over the years it manifested itself into anxiety and other problems.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are responsible for your own happiness.

With that in mind, I agree that you need to work on yourself first before you make any huge, life-changing decisions like divorce. Give yourself a time limit, say 1 year. At that time re-access. But in the mean time do everything you can to work on yourself.

That might mean a part time job.

Make friends... this is why your counselors told you to get activing doing things that you enjoy.

Find some kind of exercise that you like, even if it's just walking. Right now I walk 3 miles every morning. I found a woman who wants to walk too and we walk most morning. I got an exercise bike to use on the days when she cannot walk. I ride my stationary bike and watch tv for an hour or so.

Get a make over... new hair cut, some new clothing.

There is a good book that I think would help you "Divorce Busting"

There are other books I would suggest, but that's the first one.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Lifeiscomplicated said:


> Thanks! I come from the land Down Under and no there is no financial aid or subsidy for people like myself returning to the workforce. The only people entitled to a subsidy are single mothers on a pension or new immigrants/migrants otherwise you pay full fees which can be very expensive eg. short course 8-16 weeks between $4,500 - $15,000 or a degree or similar which is a great deal more expensive and there is still no guarantees of getting a job.
> 
> Never thought of Vapor smoking. What a good idea. I will mentioned this to him. Pity it wasn't around in my day. I smoked for 17yrs then finally gave up to become pregnant then became addicted to Nicorette gum for the next 11yrs.


How long has it been since you checked into financial aid? Maybe things have changed in the last while. Also, check into private grants and scholarships. Sometimes, wealthy people make helping SAHM get education and return to the workforce their pet cause and set up funding with local colleges.

I don't know about Australia, but here we have "community college". Community colleges are colleges that offer certificate training programs (mechanics, HVAC, welding) and 2 year degree programs (nursing, accounting, etc.). Fees at community colleges are MUCH lower. Community colleges are also fairly awesome for men and women who haven't been in a classroom since forever ago. They offer a lot of refresher classes free or low cost. I checked not too long ago for myself and the local community colleges averaged about $2,000 a semester for a full class load. Do you have anything similar there? If there isn't a physical community type college nearby, what about taking classes online?

Vaping has been wonderful for me! I just got taken off my blood pressure meds because I was able to quit smoking through vaping and now I am stepping down the vaping in hopes of having zero nicotine dependence. Although, some people vape 0 nicotine juice just for the flavor. I hear diabetics and others with diet restrictions love getting their flavor fix without having to eat food that isn't good for them. I highly encourage you to get your DH on board. When I was just learning about vaping and how to customize my rig, flavors, etc. to my own preferences, I found a lot of very useful advice on some Aussie based forums and those folks talked a lot about local shops, so your DH should be able to find whatever information and product he wants very easily.

The only caution I give to people interested in vaping is to only buy legitimate products. Avoid clones at all costs. Clones may look pretty, but they tend to malfunction and are not safe. Manufacturers put stickers on their boxes so that the buyer can verify the product is legit on the company website, so always check. Usually, the vape shop will run a check BEFORE putting the products on the shelves, but i check at home just to be sure.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Yes your resentment is misplaced on him. He has become the focal point of personal demons. Example you don't like him smoking but he did that, so did you, when you got together. Or you resent being a stay at home mom even though you both reached that decision. Here is what I would recommend

First be honest with your husband about how you feel and tell him you both need some marriage counseling .
Two start learning a trade or skill and start working outside the home. I get that this was a decision that worked all those years ago but it hasn't worked out as you hoped. Perhaps having some attention on a career will help you feel more fulfilled.

Also, and this very well be part of my own person projection, be wary of the possibility of cheating. I know you didn't mention that here but having seen my x wife get to a place of unfulfilment and made a decision to make her own excitement by cheating. Be careful who you share this information with I guess is my only point.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Lots of solid advice here. 

If you are to begin changing aspects of your life, where would you start? What would be the priority for you as a beginning step?

I'm not meaning your marriage, simply what you need that you can bring about for yourself.


On a side note with jobs, I will echo the thought about volunteering. That could help you get a job in the organisation itself, or at the very least, include on your resume. And meet some people too.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Here is article & site that may help you look at your issues. Let your husband know how you feel. He sounds like a guy that would take your hand and walk with you thru the issues.

Sexual Intimacy and Depression - The Forgiven Wife


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## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Here is article & site that may help you look at your issues. Let your husband know how you feel. He sounds like a guy that would take your hand and walk with you thru the issues.
> 
> Sexual Intimacy and Depression - The Forgiven Wife


WOW! Thanks so much for sending me this great article FrazzledSadHusband. I could have written this story myself word for word and the comments from the other women read so true. Good to know that I am not alone in my thinking.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Lifeiscomplicated said:


> WOW! Thanks so much for sending me this great article FrazzledSadHusband. I could have written this story myself word for word and the comments from the other women read so true. Good to know that I am not alone in my thinking.


The author has many good articles on her site. Some of which I have told my wife "she writes like she read my mind". 

Here is an article you should try with your husband. My wife has done something similar to what she did when her husband was complaining about work. I literally turned into a stammering idiot.

Get Flashy! - The Forgiven Wife

Hug your husband, tell him you working on being more intimate, and ask him to help you in your walk. I actually got a lot of good insight into understanding my wife by reading the depression article. 

Best wishes,

Frazzled


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