# I sabotaged the affair. Now what?



## AnthonyS1980 (Feb 28, 2009)

Back in early January, I was in bed with my wife, spooning her, as I did almost every night. We were best friends, companions, parents to our 2 1/2 year old son. I was a loving husband, and she was a loving wife. We married at 19 -- did the Vegas drive-thru wedding, and for the most part, we spent every free moment together in some capacity or another for the 10 years we were together. Until the 2 or 3 months leading up to the day I left, everything was hunky-dory.

In August 2008, my wife began a new job. She hadn't worked in 7 years, and on the first day of work, she tells me about a guy at her job she sort-of has a crush on. 

Over the course of the next few months, through December and the beginning of the new year, she began losing weight, bought some new clothes, and her feelings begin to grow stronger for this guy, even though they'd never really spent any time together, at work or otherwise. From the beginning, it seemed her feelings for him were unreasonably strong. She is always very open and honest, so I trust that everything occured as she said, however, her feelings for this guy seemed to be so strong that it bothered me to the point that I had to just leave for a little bit while we sort things out. I figured 'absence makes the heart grow fonder.' That was early January.

The very next day, she works side-by-side with him for four hours. During that shift, they talk a lot. She tells him that I left, and that she has not been in love with me for a couple of years (basically, since our son was born).

Every day since then, everything began to go downhill. They began talking more; started exchanging e-mails once in a while, then exchanging e-mails daily, planning a date for Valentine's Day, then scheduling two dates prior to Valentine's day; the second of which was at his house on Feb. 11, before she was scheduled to work.

Needless to say, it broke my heart that this was happening, and she was asking me to just accept it and watch our son... regardless of my mental state throughout all of this, and particularly on days when she was out with him. I was crumbling, and trying my best to accept her need for space and a relationship on some level with this guy. I tried negotiating, bargaining, doing the whole "I'll be better, I promise!" thing.

I knew beforehand that she had plans to go to his house. I told her that I knew what that meant. She insisted that they decided to just be 'friends,' at least for now. But I knew they both wanted more, and I knew what the most likely outcome would be if she went to his house alone with him. Still... I respected her need for freedom and space, and I tried to believe her.

The next day, she called me after her 'date,' a few minutes before she had to begin her shift. She said it went well, and nothing happened. "All we did was talk."

Later that night, when she came to pick up our son, she said she had something she wanted to tell me.

First, she told me that she had some reservations about continuing to see him. She said he had mental health issues, including severe depression, and hallucinations that he was taking antipsychotic medication for. She even said she was confused and that she thinks she made a mistake by leaving me. She was upset and crying, but in hindsite, it's obvious that wasn't what was really bothering her... not by a longshot (as I came to find out even more yesterday, 2/27).
Turns out, she still had more to tell me. "We did a little more than talk," she admits.
I said, "well, I figured that would be the case--"
"We had sex," she blurted out.

My world crumbled right at that moment. I kept my composure; perhaps a slight smile, but I said nothing. I knew it would happen, but at the same time, I didn't really expect to hear those words. My mind and heart was just flooded with so much emotion, memories, and questions that I couldn't speak. I remember looking at the hair on my son's head as he continued to play, oblivious to it all.

She had slept with her co-worker on their second date. I just wasn't ready for that. I'm still very much in love with my wife as of this writing, and still quite shocked.

After that, she put up a wall other than to say she planned on going to his house twice the next week.

So I sat down that night and my heart just filled with water. I took the ring off my finger and just cried.

After a couple of hours, I decided that I could not stand for this, and I started formulating a plan to sabotage their relationship, just so I could get by enough to take care of my son, especially when she is out sleeping with this schizophrenic stranger who she wants my son to meet. 

So, I sit down and I start typing him an e-mail. I tell him everything I can think of that might destroy his will to continue seeing her. I had already tried asking, begging, and pleading with my wife, but it was useless. I don't plan to actually send this e-mail, but I use it as therapy.

The next day, I tell my wife about the e-mail, and she gets very angry with me, telling me not to ruin this for her, or she will hate me forever, and I could say good-bye to any chance of us being friends, let alone reconciling.

I save the e-mail to my drafts, and she tells her 'boyfriend' about how hard of a time I'm giving her, and that I was going to write him a nasty e-mail but she talked me out of it. This signaled a major shift in her behavior toward me.

Since that time, but not because of it, their communication practically grinds to a halt. She e-mails him, calls him, etc., but nothing from his end. Her walls come back down, and she seeks frienship and advice from me, of all people, asking what I think is going on with him. Their date for Valentine's day was cancelled -- although she accepts his chocolates (she won't even take flowers or a poem from me). Still, I do my best to be a friend.

She tells me that whatever happens to her relationship with him, she is never coming back to me. That was on the evening of Sunday, Feb. 15, when we went out for dessert together.

The following day, she gets an e-mail from him saying that HE received an e-mail saying "just leave her alone." He made the assumption that I had sent it. "That, I don't need," he said. He then went on to belittle my wife for her undying attempts to contact him, saying "If you're looking for a guy you can mindlessly jibber-jabber with 24/7, you've got the wrong f'ing guy," and "if you're unsure about hanging out with me on Thursday, I have a solution for you: don't bother." She shows me this e-mail, and calls him to ask about the e-mail he received. He says he doesn't know who it's from, and he deleted it, so there is no record that it ever existed. She thinks he was just trying to attempt to frame me.

Although I didn't send that e-mail, he was not responding to any e-mails she sent to him, and had not returned any of her calls for the rest of that day. Seeing his reaction to whatever tiny e-mail he might've received gave me inspiration. The evening of 2/16, after much contemplation, thought, and research into such emails, as well as local laws, I hit 'send'. 

Not only did I send my e-mail to him, but I sent it to his father, a prominant man whose business e-mail address is publicly available. I decided to go with this approach based on the idea that shining a spotlight on their "affair" would be like pouring gallons of water on a fire.

This is what the e-mail said:
XXXX XXXXXXXX
This is a very abbreviated version of what I have to say to you.

I am sending this email to demand that you to end ALL communication with my wife XXXXX forever, starting immediately. If necessary, I am willing to contact the administrators at (your workplace) to ask that they take steps to end your communication with one another, and they should be willing to, based on the risk of sexual harassment lawsuits stemming from inter-office affairs. 

XXXXX is my wife of 10 years, the mother of our son, and I want to reconcile with her. If you contact her again, in any way, directly or indirectly, about ANYTHING, I will find out. There may be legal and financial liabilities for you already if we're not able to reconcile (this is true in the state I live in).

I love XXXXX unconditionally and I want to save my marriage and keep my family together. This affair is coming between us and making it impossible. It hurts me, it hurts our son, and it hurts (my wife), whether she lets you know that or not. Please respect our family. I respected your desire for friendship with one another, but you both disrespected me and our marriage when you were together at your house last Wednesday. I'm not just going to stand by and let this happen anymore. [END]

Immediately, my wife forwards me an e-mail, asking "Did you send him an email?" 
Apparently, he forwarded it to her, saying "He copied it to my ******* father's (work) e-mail!! This is outrageous! Your psychotic ex obviously knows no boundries. I'm willing to be your friend, but I'm not getting sucked into this any further!"

Being that he didn't seem to get the message, as a final nail in the coffin, I sent another email to him & his father: 

Smooth move, XXXX... forwarding the e-mail to XXXXX immediately. Don't blame me... blame yourself for ****ing a married woman. You messed with my family, so I figured your father should be involved. It's the least I could do.

By the way: she told me you hear voices, you're taking antipsychotic medication, you have a small ****, and you're lame in bed. [End] (All stuff she told me).

She called me crying afterward. She tells me she hates my guts for ruining her "life," she says I'm controlling, that I hate that she's happy, and crying "he was special! He was special!" 

Now she wants a divorce, and she wants it yesterday. This, despite the fact that she had ony two dates with him in the span of two weeks, and she'd only been talking with him for less than a month.

For a while, everytime I'd attempted to talk to her since then, she would spit venom. She has been completely cold to any of my feelings this whole time, but expected me to understand how what I did was horrible.

I've since been able to regain her trust and she's informed me that she fell in love with him as a result of having sex with him. She also informed me that, although they're really not on the same level they were at before, they are on speaking terms... somewhat. She tried to kiss him once, and he pulled away. He said that the door is open for them to have a relationship together in the future, but not before the divorce is final. So, needless to say, she is definitely adamant about getting this divorce right away.

As for me... I'm not done fighting to save my marriage. The e-mail I sent was just a first step in doing that, and the beginning of a long process. I've already overcome two MAJOR obstacles: 

1) Ending the affair (though her feelings for dude are still there).
2) Regaining her trust so that she feels safe by being open and honest with me.

What led to this was the fact that she was unhappy for a long time, and she associated her unhappiness with me and our marriage. This caused her to harbor resentment toward me, and it had built up; death by 1000 cuts. I feel this affair was a way of acting out, and it went too far. I'm still hanging on to hope that we can reconcile, and would like to continue to do so until she can get a clear perspective on things; when the fog of her new 'relationship' has dissipated. If not for me, for our son. 
Am I just being crazy?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You need to stop being the bad guy. She will divorce you anyway. This guy is a f-ing basket case. Your wife had PPD (post partum depression) that seems to not have been diagnosed (JMHO). She needs to come to a crisis. If you want to have a chance of winning her back. Let her crash and burn. You have to stop being mr. needy with her. Cut her loose. But just be there. You think that this will work out between them? Not a chance. She is his bloody nurse. If she will accept nothing but divorce give it to her. And then you are not the problem in her life anymore. Take care of yourself and your son. Let her do what ever she wants. When the dust settles and she sees you being mr. confident mr. self assured (you may be aching to hold her inside). She will seek you out and start whining about his faults and how tough things are. Listen attentively, but don't get sucked into the emotional vacuum she has created. 

If you let her go. You are not the enemy any more. YOU ARE THE HERO. The other guy becomes the reason she is not happy. You may love her with all your heart. But unless the fog lifts and she realizes how badly she screwed up her life. You cannot move beyond it with her. You have to be strong.
I don't know if you're up to it. Its only my opinion.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You have been driven to the brink of madness by a selfishly cheating wife. You cannot manipulate her into feeling for you what she once felt.

As for the other guy? Don't bother trying to stop him from seeing your wife. if he's out of the picture it'll just be another one after him.

Your wife is not in love with you. She is emotionally detached from you.

Do what you can to protect your son and yourself from her current confusion. Detach from wanting her. that road is just self punishment at this point.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

I can't believe that you'd want to be with a woman that has done all of that to you. Is this what you really deserve? I'd take your son and get out. That is just me though. I think, with what she has done to you, and the casual way she just started "dating" this guy, with no regards to her marriage... is grounds for You to leave her. But of course, if you still really want her, then I suppose you could fight for her. But really, it doesn't sound like she's committed the same way you are to the marraige. I was in awe reading your post... I feel so badly for you. You don't deserve to be treated like that! And the fact that she could do something like this, and bring a potentially nutty man into your lives, the life of your tiny son... is not good. This is just what I think, I know everyone will have a different view. 

But if my husband did any of this stuff to me.... I would have been gone a long time ago. This isn't just a little fight, or a nagging wife, or messy husband... this is huge, what she's done... and what this other man has done, breaking up a marriage. I don't know. I could never want my man again , if he betrayed me like this, and then had the nerve to get pissed at me for sending an email trying to fight for my marriage.... I wouldn't tolerate it , that's just me. Good luck... I'm sorry you're going through this, it's just terrible that she's treated you so poorly.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Take the hard line with her. File for divorce, Separate all finances. Bank account, cancel cards. Withdraw all, and I mean all emotional support for her. Out her to everyone. Family, employer. You need to show that she is hanging out with mental patient. You need to get custody of your child. No anger, you're just moving on. You are not her doormat. Others may disagree, but I believe that you have to show her what life is like without you there. You cannot love her back to your marriage when you are what is keeping her from what she THINKS she wants. The more you try to stop her. The more she will defend the relationship. Do not talk to her except for finance and your child. Do not ask her how she is doing. Do not tell her you love her. If she starts spilling her guts to you about how her life has turned to crap (no money, no support no love) change the subject back to your child. You have been dealing with this for months and months. You have to disconnect. It is the only possibility of reconciliation. SHE EITHER HAS TO COME TO WANT YOU BACK. OR YOU HAVE TO DUMP HER FOR THE CHEATER SHE IS, AND FOCUS ON YOUR CHILD, AND MAKING YOURSELF HAPPY.


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## AnthonyS1980 (Feb 28, 2009)

I have decided to let her go. Everything just happened so suddenly and unexpectedly that I thought it must be a temporary lapse in judgement, and I wasn't ready to let go. She meant the world to me. Until just very recently, she was a great wife and a great friend for ten years. It just seems so unnatural to me, especially because letting go seems to have come so naturally to her, as though I'm just a problem to be rid of. It's a very surreal experience, and coming to terms with it... well... I'm sure many of you have a good understanding of just how hard it is to accept and come to terms with, and how extraordinarly deep the pain can be. 

I wish I could have the eternal sunshine on a spotless mind treatment.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Anthony, I think you have made a wise decision. It takes a lot of guts, and strength. And like you said, if she is treating you as if you're a problem to be rid of, then that is not someone you want to devote anymore of your heart, time, mind, or body to. Some people are just like that, whether it comes from how they were treated as children, or that they are just naturally selfish, or don't use thier moral compass, and can't realize that impulse decisions almost always end up taking their toll.... she's just not in it. I hope you can be with your son, and somday, You are going to find a great gal, one that won't throw away 10 years for some office fling with a nutjob sleazeball man that she barely knows...

My suspspicion is, that someday she will deeply regret treating you so horribly , and perhaps will wish she could have done things differently.... but you deserve better is my stance on it. Good luck to you, and everyone, and anyone is always here, if you need a friend.


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## Healing (May 30, 2008)

Hey there, what you did was something many of us "victims" wished we could do. I wish I could have done what you did, but my circumstances prevented me from doing it.

I always believe: Don't do it if you aren't willing to face the consequences. TOM reaped what he sowed.

If she doesn't wake up from this delusion, she does not deserve you. Don't wait for someone not worth waiting for.

Stay strong!


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## findingpeace (Mar 14, 2009)

I suggest two books to get one, love must be tough by james dobson and surviving an affair permisiveness is deadly to a relationship you need to rock her world like a child who does some thing bad they are punished so should she be punished I think i would have kicked her out for awhile let her realize the consiquences of her infidelity so she wont do it again I went thru this same thing and lost the battle my wife ended up chosing the other man if I was stronger early on I might have saved our marriage I also should have kicked my wife out to let her know what she is doing id wrong but being nice doesnt pay off either I am so sorry for your pain I felt it myself and there is no other pain that is greater than this good luck and god be with you


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I would love to know how Anthony is doing. Hopefully he will give us an update.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

why do they always say he is lame in bed and has a small penis? Do they think it'll make us feel better?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

marina72 said:


> I can't believe that you'd want to be with a woman that has done all of that to you.


I could!

Here's why. It does not happen to everyone, but a lot of people go through a mid-life crisis. They seem to take different forms in different people. But it also seems to divide along gender lines.

The classic male pattern is to feel life slipping away, looks are heading south, and there's no time to be lost in proving you've still "got it". In the USA men seem to buy Harleys. In the UK it's Honda Goldwings. They don't necessarily need to leave home or cheat, but getting a 25 y/o is not out of the question.

Women seem to go in a different direction. Resentment has been building up over the years. All of sudden this connects with the feeling of "where is my life going", and may also coincide with a peak of sexuality after the age of 36 or so.

So their unsuspecting husband thinks things are picking up when the frequency of sex goes up. Then he finds out her sexuality was not necessarily being directed at him!

It seems she has developed new tastes for a totally different kind of guy. It's like her "Dark Side" is manifesting.

So what's happening is that she has become lost in a sort of parallel universe, a sort of bubble world that can't last forever, but in her agitated state it seems possible. Actually she fluctuates between thinking it has a future and realising it can't work.

My view is that the dark side needs to become integrated with the rest of her, not stamped out. This is not easy. But it is possible.

People who are integrated are more fun to be with. That's why I would keep her provided she can come back to reality.

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EDIT
I'm not on very good form today, you'll have to read between the lines.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Mark,

There has to be acknowledgment and contrition. If there isn't. She will just start up with someone else. I think it is untreated PPD and that he needs to NC her. You can't rekindle desire for someone when they are sitting in front of you begging you to come back. A person must have a sense of loss. They must desire that something they have lost. If they don't, then there is no value to it, to them.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Initfortheduration said:


> Mark,
> 
> There has to be acknowledgment and contrition.


That can sometimes come _after _the reconciliation.




Initfortheduration said:


> You can't rekindle desire for someone when they are sitting in front of you begging you to come back. A person must have a sense of loss. They must desire that something they have lost. If they don't, then there is no value to it, to them.


Very true.

My main point is that sometimes people go off the rails and don't appear to be themselves. In truth they are crazy or sick. If it is only a short term frenzy or illness, it has every chance of righting itself over a shortish period of time. Tough love is probably in order.

Divorce initiated during this difficult time may spoil the chance of any reconciliation when the errant spouse falls back to earth. Of course things can never be the same, and that's all to the good.


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