# Troublesome marriage



## stevered

Married 15 years.
I have a bad temper when provoked. Wife also has a very bad temper.
I was very fit. Advised wife to be fit in the early years of marriage. Pushed her to come to the gym. She never bothered. I lost interest eventually. Now I don't exercise myself though never overweight. Wife is terribly overweight. Still she does see the picture. Always complains about everything, never happy or satisfied but not really greedy. But she just complains. Find it extremely irritating. Advised her to start studying/find a job, keep herself busy other than house work which is not much, but she does not bother.
Wife seeks out her family's advise more than discussing issues/problems with me. Complains about me to her family behind my back. This is what enrages me, her lack of trust towards the marriage and me.
Wife has two brothers. One brother is self righteous and patronizing. Keep my distance with him.
Other one is fine. Wife's sister is a nice person.
Wife's mother - Troublesome woman. Always abusive. Abuses everybody, never happy, always dissatisfied.
Mother in law abuses her daughter in law, son in laws and finds fault with everybody, abused my mother in front of me/my wife. Wife never spoke a word. I never said a word to the mother in law. Questioned wife later - but she acted as if it was not a big deal. Seeing mother in laws destructive personality I could never maintain a cordial relationship - always maintained my distance.
Slight disagreement/argument with wife- blows out of proportion. Wife starts threatening divorce or threatening to complain to her family. No control on what she says.
Constant bickering between us - everyday. Initially I used to get aggressive verbally. Now I just don't hope for anything and the minute I see an imminent fight I go and lock myself in a room stating work.
Sex has always been depressing from starting. She does nothing in the act. Told her many times but fell to deaf ears. Now no sex since last 2.5 years. Last 6 years we probably had sex like 10 times at most.
I do not even enjoy or want intimacy/sex anymore. Depressing life, suicidal tendencies etc.
Advise.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Save everybody, file for D. It doesn't sound good.

Sorry you and your W are going through this.

Evaluate, decide, act.


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## notmyjamie

If you are having suicidal tendencies you need professional help. You should get some counseling immediately. It will help you sort out your feelings and decide what you want your future to look like and how you can get there.

You only have ONE life to life...do you want it to look it currently does???


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## Married but Happy

I agree with the above posters. Get help for the depression/suicidal thoughts, and get divorced. The latter will help immensely with the former.


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## jlg07

PLEASE do not think about suicide over this. It's REALLY not worth it.
You wife seems to be similar to her own mother. People like that never realize that that OUTSIDE things are not the path to true happiness -- they need to be happy with THEMSELVES, and your wife just isn't.

As far as abusing YOUR mother -- NO F*CKING way. YOU should have blasted her right then and there.
By NOT confronting someone like this, you give them the permission to treat you that way, so they continue to do it (same with your wife -- you let her go off on you, so she will continue).

Next time she goes off -- just look at her and tell her to STOP. When she is ready for a CONVERSATION, then you both can continue, but until that time, you don't want to hear it -- and WALK AWAY. If she follows you, shut the door. If that doesn't work -- get in your car and listen to music. Whatever it takes.

The next time she threatens divorce -- say OK, let's make a list of how we are going to divide stuff.
That should shut her up -- BUT don't bluff her if you don't mean it.

Maybe go to a few lawyers to see how divorce would play out for you. If you then show her that you are investigating that, it may have a real impact on her.


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## stevered

Do not want a divorce. We have children, cannot let them suffer. She is not a bad person(though spoilt and pampered by her family) but she just does not know what it takes to be a wife. I am a private person which is certainly not a sin. Derides me that I will end up dying alone etc. because I don't get along well with her family. Can't think of anything which has stayed only between us. Her family(BIL and MIL) pressurize her into sharing everything. Just because I like to keep things private, does not mean I do not like people, she just does not get that. Never has anybody from my family said a word or interfered in our marriage. She knows it, though never acknowledges the fact because her family(one BIL and MIL) is constantly interfering. She needs to understand that if her family is crossing lines she is one who has to put them in check. Her brother publicly insults me and says I am no good for his sister and when I bring this up with my wife, she does not say a word and retorts that I may have misunderstood him. Controlling mother in law and one brother who thinks he is always correct, interfering and snoopy.(wife is a puppet in their hands). She can't talk back to her mother and brother and they cant keep out of our marriage. Most of our fights start because of them being referenced into our daily lives. Her mother mouths off her own husband and says he was no good and he never cared about her and cared more about his own family. Abuses everybody. These are the kind of things she tells her daughter. During family visits her mother asks her son on how to raise my child. Though trivial but because we do not get along well and they already know it I find it irritating and insulting. Initial years got constantly compared with her brothers, felt like I was no good. I have advanced degrees, but bad at money affairs. So they are better off than I am. This lead to constant comparison which made me distance myself from them. Now I have started seeing everything under a microscope and cannot stay normal as I used to be. I don't easily trust people anymore. Now, even I have started taking potshots at her family(not all) in our fights which is certainly not correct, I hate it but I am just lost and tired and don't know what to do. All I am left with is rage and resentment and this is eating away at me. I tried for further studies to keep my thoughts away from my situation but just cannot concentrate. I want to fix our situation and not run away from it. Advise.


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## jlg07

stevered said:


> Do not want a divorce. We have children, cannot let them suffer. She is not a bad person(though spoilt and pampered by her family) but she just does not know what it takes to be a wife. I am a private person which is certainly not a sin. Derides me that I will end up dying alone etc. because I don't get along well with her family. Can't think of anything which has stayed only between us. Her family(BIL and MIL) pressurize her into sharing everything. Just because I like to keep things private, does not mean I do not like people, she just does not get that. Never has anybody from my family said a word or interfered in our marriage. She knows it, though never acknowledges the fact because her family(one BIL and MIL) is constantly interfering. She needs to understand that if her family is crossing lines she is one who has to put them in check. Her brother publicly insults me and says I am no good for his sister and when I bring this up with my wife, she does not say a word and retorts that I may have misunderstood him. Controlling mother in law and one brother who thinks he is always correct, interfering and snoopy.(wife is a puppet in their hands). She can't talk back to her mother and brother and they cant keep out of our marriage. Most of our fights start because of them being referenced into our daily lives. Her mother mouths off her own husband and says he was no good and he never cared about her and cared more about his own family. Abuses everybody. These are the kind of things she tells her daughter. During family visits her mother asks her son on how to raise my child. Though trivial but because we do not get along well and they already know it I find it irritating and insulting. Initial years got constantly compared with her brothers, felt like I was no good. I have advanced degrees, but bad at money affairs. So they are better off than I am. This lead to constant comparison which made me distance myself from them. Now I have started seeing everything under a microscope and cannot stay normal as I used to be. I don't easily trust people anymore. Now, even I have started taking potshots at her family(not all) in our fights which is certainly not correct, I hate it but I am just lost and tired and don't know what to do. All I am left with is rage and resentment and this is eating away at me. I tried for further studies to keep my thoughts away from my situation but just cannot concentrate. I want to fix our situation and not run away from it. Advise.


Sorry -- I wasn't clear. You don't HAVE to divorce her. You SHOULD look at it to see what divorce would look like (the more info you have the better). It might be enough that you are THINKING about it and took some action to make it clear to your wife how serious you are about this issue.

As for her sharing everything, just tell her flat out that if she continues to do that, YOU will stop sharing with HER. Does she want YOUR marriage to take that hit of communications? Another trick (which sucks if you have to resort to this) -- tell HER wrong information and let it get back to them. If you provide enough dis-information, they actually won't KNOW what is real and what is not (but neither will your wife, so....).

So, you say SHE can't talk back to her mother or brother -- but YOU can. Let THEM know that they cannot push YOU around like they do her. Keep it unemotional -- stay calm, but refute what they are saying.
A good thing if the BIL mouths off about you -- just say "sorry you feel that way" and NOTHING else. Just continue to say it. He is trying to abuse you and probably TRYING to get a rise out of you. Just don't engage with him. If he mouths off, ignore him. REFUTE what he says, and then walk away and cease the conversation. If he does it on the phone, simply hang up.
If the mother ask HER son how to raise YOUR child -- This isn't a trivial thing at ALL. You simply state this is MY child and i will raise him how I see fit, and NOT the way BIL wants me to. If you don't like it, you can leave my house. Doesn't matter if the wife agrees. It is YOUR house -- toss them out. Tell them if they can't act like adults and have a normal non-confrontational discussion then they can leave.

YOU will have to control how people talk to you -- you cannot control how your wife deals with this (it is a learned response from her -- she sees this as NORMAL since she grew up in it). Record what they say to you. When emotions have calmed down, play it for your wife and ask her flat out if she finds that an acceptable way for people to talk with each other. Would she talk to a co-worker like that (and not get fired!?). What if YOUR family talked to HER that way?

Last, have you discussed getting marriage counseling with your wife?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

stevered said:


> Do not want a divorce. We have children, cannot let them suffer. She is not a bad person(though spoilt and pampered by her family) but she just does not know what it takes to be a wife. I am a private person which is certainly not a sin. Derides me that I will end up dying alone etc. because I don't get along well with her family. Can't think of anything which has stayed only between us. Her family(BIL and MIL) pressurize her into sharing everything. Just because I like to keep things private, does not mean I do not like people, she just does not get that. Never has anybody from my family said a word or interfered in our marriage. She knows it, though never acknowledges the fact because her family(one BIL and MIL) is constantly interfering. She needs to understand that if her family is crossing lines she is one who has to put them in check. Her brother publicly insults me and says I am no good for his sister and when I bring this up with my wife, she does not say a word and retorts that I may have misunderstood him. Controlling mother in law and one brother who thinks he is always correct, interfering and snoopy.(wife is a puppet in their hands). She can't talk back to her mother and brother and they cant keep out of our marriage. Most of our fights start because of them being referenced into our daily lives. Her mother mouths off her own husband and says he was no good and he never cared about her and cared more about his own family. Abuses everybody. These are the kind of things she tells her daughter. During family visits her mother asks her son on how to raise my child. Though trivial but because we do not get along well and they already know it I find it irritating and insulting. Initial years got constantly compared with her brothers, felt like I was no good. I have advanced degrees, but bad at money affairs. So they are better off than I am. This lead to constant comparison which made me distance myself from them. Now I have started seeing everything under a microscope and cannot stay normal as I used to be. I don't easily trust people anymore. Now, even I have started taking potshots at her family(not all) in our fights which is certainly not correct, I hate it but I am just lost and tired and don't know what to do. All I am left with is rage and resentment and this is eating away at me. I tried for further studies to keep my thoughts away from my situation but just cannot concentrate. I want to fix our situation and not run away from it. Advise.


Yeah, but W will likely not change. You've got a deck stacked against you, sadly.


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## TJW

jlg07 said:


> she sees this as NORMAL since she grew up in it


This is a tough situation. You cannot change your wife. 



stevered said:


> We have children, cannot let them suffer.


Really? What do you think your children are going to grow up to be like ? They are undoubtedly going to blow up their own marriages. maybe more than two or three... they are also going to see your wife's behavior as NORMAL.....



stevered said:


> She is not a bad person


I must respectfully disagree. IMO, she IS a bad person.


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## Rooster2015

I learned a hard lesson from the past about women and weight. The more pressure you put on them the more they gain as resentment. And never ends well. As a men if you constantly complain about your wife for one reason or another they will most certainly do opposite of what you want. If you want to save this marriage and not throw in the towel you will need to change and win her back. If not find a good attorney. But winning her back will take a lot of effort and time. JMO


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## Divinely Favored

stevered said:


> Do not want a divorce. We have children, cannot let them suffer. She is not a bad person(though spoilt and pampered by her family) but she just does not know what it takes to be a wife. I am a private person which is certainly not a sin. Derides me that I will end up dying alone etc. because I don't get along well with her family. Can't think of anything which has stayed only between us. Her family(BIL and MIL) pressurize her into sharing everything. Just because I like to keep things private, does not mean I do not like people, she just does not get that. Never has anybody from my family said a word or interfered in our marriage. She knows it, though never acknowledges the fact because her family(one BIL and MIL) is constantly interfering. She needs to understand that if her family is crossing lines she is one who has to put them in check. Her brother publicly insults me and says I am no good for his sister and when I bring this up with my wife, she does not say a word and retorts that I may have misunderstood him. Controlling mother in law and one brother who thinks he is always correct, interfering and snoopy.(wife is a puppet in their hands). She can't talk back to her mother and brother and they cant keep out of our marriage. Most of our fights start because of them being referenced into our daily lives. Her mother mouths off her own husband and says he was no good and he never cared about her and cared more about his own family. Abuses everybody. These are the kind of things she tells her daughter. During family visits her mother asks her son on how to raise my child. Though trivial but because we do not get along well and they already know it I find it irritating and insulting. Initial years got constantly compared with her brothers, felt like I was no good. I have advanced degrees, but bad at money affairs. So they are better off than I am. This lead to constant comparison which made me distance myself from them. Now I have started seeing everything under a microscope and cannot stay normal as I used to be. I don't easily trust people anymore. Now, even I have started taking potshots at her family(not all) in our fights which is certainly not correct, I hate it but I am just lost and tired and don't know what to do. All I am left with is rage and resentment and this is eating away at me. I tried for further studies to keep my thoughts away from my situation but just cannot concentrate. I want to fix our situation and not run away from it. Advise.


You are supposed to be the man of the family....act like it. Stand up for yourself and shut them down. If they are talking crap then tell them they are not welcome in your house until they have an attitude change. You come off weak to your wife. If you will not even stand up to to your inlaws crap how are you safe man to be around when the threats are real and the family safety is at stake. 

She has been trained up in their ****. But in her eyes you are not even man enough to stand up to them either. I feel sorry for for your children and the disfuncrion they are learning from you and your wife. 

I used to not stand up for myself and my marriage was stressfull....until i had enough and started. Now my marriage is very good. First realization i broke was that i DID NOT want to be a weak doormat to my mom and her family like my dad was. I come to view him as weak and pathetic for not standing up for himself.

Do you have a son? What kind of example are you setting by not standing up for yourself. If your wife is weak that a man stands up for family. Sex stopped because she has no respect for you, you should have shut down their crap cold and told them to leave.

It would be more damaging for your kids to see yalls behavior that divorce and to calmer seperate houses.


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## SunCMars

When_* can't*_ becomes the dominant, the go-to word consistently, change will never visit your life.

Venting is recommended, it is good thing, let it all out.

Good will not follow after this bad marriage and the bad_ in-laws_, that you have.

Make the wife, all of them _out-laws._

Life is stacked against you.

Re-shuffle the deck, toss out the jokers.


_King Brian-_


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## Lostinthought61

Honestly what kind of role model are you setting for your kids, the both of you, if you think they do not see what is going on and observant then you are sadly mistaken...and as for your relationship your wife....staying for the kids is NEVER a good reason...its a reason but not a good one, your kids will grow up seeing your relationship with your wife and think that is normal and so all you are doing is securing an F'd up future for them.


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## stevered

Rooster2015 said:


> I learned a hard lesson from the past about women and weight. The more pressure you put on them the more they gain as resentment. And never ends well. As a men if you constantly complain about your wife for one reason or another they will most certainly do opposite of what you want. If you want to save this marriage and not throw in the towel you will need to change and win her back. If not find a good attorney. But winning her back will take a lot of effort and time. JMO


Can you please explain on how I am the one complaining here ? Is it because I have resorted to online advise ?


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