# Military GF Cheated On Deployment



## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

(M/32) (F/34). Last Friday, the woman of 3 years told me she slept with a man she met within a week of meeting him after being deployed a month already. We are both military but I'm home in the states. We talked countless times about infidelity going abroad and the statistics behind it. She kept telling me to trust her and not worry about it and usually got upset when I did bring it up. Lo and behold, she did what she said she wouldn't do. She slept with him 3x that night. The same night I needed her and she would not answer my calls. I knew something was up when she first called back and she spilled it immediately. 

It crushed me. BADLY. It's only been 5 days but I "feel" ok but I do keep bouncing back and forth between depression and anger. Soon as she told me I immediately dumped her. I almost considered self harm at several points. I'm hurt and oddly enough I do miss her and still want her but I know it's only what I'm going through. She said she wants to work stuff out and I'm very tempted to but with her having 8 more months left, I know it isn't good for me to hang on when she is in the middle east and I can't do **** about it. I know ots a lose/lose situation but I can't FEEL it. She said she wants to work it out and do whatever it takes but the more I talk about it to her, the more "annoyed" she seems about it, yet she complains when I tell her I don't want to talk about the issue.

In all fairness, I've seen few relationships come back and survive better after some bs like this, but what can I do to expedite this depressing, nauseous feeling? Even we talk, I still want to go NC but it's weird that I can't pull it off even tho she is halfway around the world. I'm very vulnerable right now. I'd like advice on both sides of the "dumper/dumped" in this position as well as the "worked through it/walked away" positions. Please don't be rude. I understand that there are obvious reasons and choices as to why I shouldn't.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Dump her now. Or live to regret it.
Cut off all contact. Only you can make yourself a chump.
No contact will be your new best friend.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Why would anyone harm themselves for a cheater?
makes no sense.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Relationships are for us to judge if what we are getting is what we want. To find out if we're compatible enough to make a lifetime commitment. You just found out that she's not what you're looking for (unless you don't mind her ****ing other dudes). Therefore, what's there to consider? Men that have self respect, pride, and self worth don't care about the who, when, how, why, how many times. Just that they did, relationship's over. 

Dude, move on. being in the military should come with the realization that marriage and relationship in that type of environment is one of the worse for love and relationship. So much cheating; distance and separation is too hard for most enlisted. Like I say, if you don't mind her ****ing other dudes then, go ahead and continue with the relationship. Just remember, once you teach them how to treat and respect you, there's not going back, they treat and respect you the way you taught them. 

My advice, while you are in the military (if you are being relocated as part of your duties) just casually date.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

@JayJay89 

she planned it, she is still doing the other guy, and she will continue doing the other guy/guys if you forgive her. you are not there to work things out 
you rug sweep it, then she is already tasted cheating and didn't see the consequences face to face (you being in pain) 

come on, you know better

Military = A lot of energy = meeting new people = working with existing people = Hormones are high all the time

No, people don't survive cheating. they only mask the pain and live with (what IF, Why, I want to do the same, did she do only x3 times, are they in contact etc..)


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I find it hard to believe this post but if it’s true then you need to dump her yesterday and completely block her on everything, phone, society media and email. 
She couldn’t keep her legs crossed for one month and she has eight more to go? She is having a great time while you are almost suicidal FFS.
You found out in time who you were dating. Thank whoever you pray to that you weren’t married to her.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

JayJay89 said:


> (M/32) (F/34). Last Friday, the woman of 3 years told me she slept with a man she met within a week of meeting him after being deployed a month already. We are both military but I'm home in the states. We talked countless times about infidelity going abroad and the statistics behind it. She kept telling me to trust her and not worry about it and usually got upset when I did bring it up. Lo and behold, she did what she said she wouldn't do. She slept with him 3x that night. The same night I needed her and she would not answer my calls. I knew something was up when she first called back and she spilled it immediately.
> 
> It crushed me. BADLY. It's only been 5 days but I "feel" ok but I do keep bouncing back and forth between depression and anger. Soon as she told me I immediately dumped her. I almost considered self harm at several points. I'm hurt and oddly enough I do miss her and still want her but I know it's only what I'm going through. She said she wants to work stuff out and I'm very tempted to but with her having 8 more months left, I know it isn't good for me to hang on when she is in the middle east and I can't do **** about it. I know ots a lose/lose situation but I can't FEEL it. She said she wants to work it out and do whatever it takes but the more I talk about it to her, the more "annoyed" she seems about it, yet she complains when I tell her I don't want to talk about the issue.
> 
> In all fairness, I've seen few relationships come back and survive better after some bs like this, but what can I do to expedite this depressing, nauseous feeling? Even we talk, I still want to go NC but it's weird that I can't pull it off even tho she is halfway around the world. I'm very vulnerable right now. I'd like advice on both sides of the "dumper/dumped" in this position as well as the "worked through it/walked away" positions. Please don't be rude. I understand that there are obvious reasons and choices as to why I shouldn't.


No way she can be trusted. One whole week was all it took to get in her pants and she is still around him. Just think about that.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I would definitely not go back. The main reason is that if she doesn’t respect you and believe in fidelity now, being married won’t change much.

In terms of self harm, I hope you find some counseling for what you’re dealing with. You feel alone and you’re hurt so if you’re struggling, please get some help.

Definitely stay NC. And that includes unfollowing and unfriending her on social media. It will take time but the longer you work on your own healing, it will get easier.

Her cheating isn’t about you, know that. It’s about her and her own lack of boundaries, respect and character.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> Dump her now. Or live to regret it.
> Cut off all contact. Only you can make yourself a chump.
> No contact will be your new best friend.


Thanks. I dumped her initially. But I want to make sure I'm strong enough to not go back.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> Why would anyone harm themselves for a cheater?
> makes no sense.


Just a spur of the moment. I was weak minded at that time and I shouldn't have let my mind go that far. You're right.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

JayJay89 said:


> (M/32) (F/34). Last Friday, the woman of 3 years told me she slept with a man she met within a week of meeting him after being deployed a month already. We are both military but I'm home in the states. We talked countless times about infidelity going abroad and the statistics behind it. She kept telling me to trust her and not worry about it and usually got upset when I did bring it up. Lo and behold, she did what she said she wouldn't do. She slept with him 3x that night. The same night I needed her and she would not answer my calls. I knew something was up when she first called back and she spilled it immediately.
> 
> It crushed me. BADLY. It's only been 5 days but I "feel" ok but I do keep bouncing back and forth between depression and anger. Soon as she told me I immediately dumped her. I almost considered self harm at several points. I'm hurt and oddly enough I do miss her and still want her but I know it's only what I'm going through. She said she wants to work stuff out and I'm very tempted to but with her having 8 more months left, I know it isn't good for me to hang on when she is in the middle east and I can't do **** about it. I know ots a lose/lose situation but I can't FEEL it. She said she wants to work it out and do whatever it takes but the more I talk about it to her, the more "annoyed" she seems about it, yet she complains when I tell her I don't want to talk about the issue.
> 
> In all fairness, I've seen few relationships come back and survive better after some bs like this, but what can I do to expedite this depressing, nauseous feeling? Even we talk, I still want to go NC but it's weird that I can't pull it off even tho she is halfway around the world. I'm very vulnerable right now. I'd like advice on both sides of the "dumper/dumped" in this position as well as the "worked through it/walked away" positions. Please don't be rude. I understand that there are obvious reasons and choices as to why I shouldn't.


The way you are feeling and the bouncing back and forth is totally normal. Unfortunately there is no way to expedite the process though. Well, not necessarily because things like counseling and taking care of yourself will help but this is a process that still takes time. Lots and lots of time.

My situation is different than yours but for me the initial feelings lasted probably close to a year before it started calming down, and the back and forth lasted much longer. And the "what if" thoughts still happen 3½ years later. But I chose to stay, had I left the timeline MIGHT have looked different. In my head it does but in reality, who knows.

While I did decide to stay, I'm tempted to say you shouldn't. I do believe some relationships can survive infidelity and I can see how (in some ways) the relationship is better after infidelity. You are not married though and I presume you do not have children. Dating is a time to figure out if you are compatible or not, good partners for each other or not, etc. What has she proven? That she is willing to cheat on you. That she has horrible boundaries. That she will sleep with a man three times in one day, within a week of meeting him. That she will sleep with a married man and destroy a family. That she cannot remain faithful for even a month after deployment. Does that sound like a good wife? A good mother?

If you decide to reconcile, your relationship with her will never be the same. The old relationship is essentially dead. With A LOT of work (on both sides) you can move past this and you can forgive and learn to trust her again, but you will never forget what she did, you will never trust her the way you once did, and you will never see her the same way you once did. This will always be a part of your relationship and it will alter the relationship forever. That doesn't mean you can't eventually have a happy and healthy relationship with her - you can. It will be different though and slightly tainted. Yes, some do end up being better but it is not an easy path and it takes years to achieve it and many people do not have what it takes to properly reconcile. Reconciling is much more than just staying together, and it's not a good sign that she is already getting annoyed by the process.

It is A LOT of hard, hard work and honestly, I don't think it's worth it for a couple who is just dating. Three years really is not that long in the grand scheme of things. It takes longer than that to heal from infidelity.

If you decide to reconcile, you really won't be making much (if any) progress over the next 8 months. Everything will sort of be on pause because there isn't much you can do while she is over there. You have to just trust her that she isn't cheating, isn't lying, etc. and that's not something you can (or should) do right now.

My wife was hospitalized about two months after I found out about her infidelity. She ended up being there for full-time for about 4½ months, then slowly coming home over the next 4 months. We were able to see a marriage counselor together, see each other in person, have her home some days, then some weekends, etc., but everything still felt like it was paused. When she was finally home it had been almost a year since I found out about her infidelity, but it felt like we were just starting and it was a bit hard to navigate at times.

With your situation, it will absolutely be pure hell for you because of the distance and her still being with the man she cheated with. Honestly, I don't think there is any way for you to stay in this relationship right now.

I would say don't get back together and _at most_, see if there is anything there when she returns. During that time don't sit around pining away for her. Start moving on, work on yourself, take care of yourself, see a counselor if needed, etc. There isn't much you can do for the relationship right now, so you should take care of yourself instead. It's likely that in 8 months you will have moved on and be able to see the situation much more clearly.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> Relationships are for us to judge if what we are getting is what we want. To find out if we're compatible enough to make a lifetime commitment. You just found out that she's not what you're looking for (unless you don't mind her ****ing other dudes). Therefore, what's there to consider? Men that have self respect, pride, and self worth don't care about the who, when, how, why, how many times. Just that they did, relationship's over.
> 
> Dude, move on. being in the military should come with the realization that marriage and relationship in that type of environment is one of the worse for love and relationship. So much cheating; distance and separation is too hard for most enlisted. Like I say, if you don't mind her ****ing other dudes then, go ahead and continue with the relationship. Just remember, once you teach them how to treat and respect you, there's not going back, they treat and respect you the way you taught them.
> 
> My advice, while you are in the military (if you are being relocated as part of your duties) just casually date.


Roger wilco. Yea I understand. We ate both in the reserves but her rotation pulled earlier than expected. Nonetheless you are right. I shouldn't let her treat me this way. I'll do my best to move forward. Thank you.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

blackclover3 said:


> @JayJay89
> 
> she planned it, she is still doing the other guy, and she will continue doing the other guy/guys if you forgive her. you are not there to work things out
> you rug sweep it, then she is already tasted cheating and didn't see the consequences face to face (you being in pain)
> ...


You are right. The biggest takeaway from what you said is that she DIDN'T see me face to face physically....only through video. It's easier to bounce when you are


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> I find it hard to believe this post but if it’s true then you need to dump her yesterday and completely block her on everything, phone, society media and email.
> She couldn’t keep her legs crossed for one month and she has eight more to go? She is having a great time while you are almost suicidal FFS.
> You found out in time who you were dating. Thank whoever you pray to that you weren’t married to her.


Fair enough. She told me she "felt like it was the end of the relationship" for her to do what she did yet it DOESN'T excuse it in the slightest. Hopefully these next 8 months will push me faster to be over this so I won't have to be a ***** when she gets back. I'd be moved on by then.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> I would definitely not go back. The main reason is that if she doesn’t respect you and believe in fidelity now, being married won’t change much.
> 
> In terms of self harm, I hope you find some counseling for what you’re dealing with. You feel alone and you’re hurt so if you’re struggling, please get some help.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much! I've been talking to a few close people about this and I'm planning on trying to get professional help soon under assumption it gets worse. Initially I did felt so guilty but that's emotional Stockholm syndrome. But I told her I wasn't wrong AT ALL for how I felt and she was 100% at fault because I didn't NOTHING to deserve that treatment. Initially when I tried to talk about it she seemed like it was "upsetting" to keep asking questions about it and also said she didn't regret it although she's "remorseful" about it smh. But hey I live and I learn.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

I'll need to re-read your post and think on it, but here's something for you to chew on. I have no facts to back this up but I am thoroughly convinced wayward spouses who come clean immediately following cheating (or full blown affair) often proceeded through a cost/benefit analysis in their mind, calculating if the benefit of a few sex sessions was worthy of the cost and conclude the cost was not the loss of there relationship because they didn't think the betrayed person would leave them. 

At the exact ages of you and your girlfriend, my x-fiancé had a couple of her girlfriends cheat on there boyfriends and the boyfriends actually ratcheted up there relationship efforts to "win them back". This was absurd to me and I never understood it until I joined this site and other infidelity sites and recognized the panic and despair of being cheated on actually reduces betrayed spouses to fractions of themselves and the lost confidence, dignity and esteem causes them to reclaim it by being reunited with the wayward. Sad but, it's repeated in 95% or more of these stories. 

Anyway, I believe my fiancé was influenced by her girlfriends who cheated on there boyfriends without relationship loss consequences. She also said a couple of things that suggested this. So, she had an affair basically thinking I didn't have the self worth to move on. 

What she didn't know was I wasn't like her girlfriends boyfriends and reconciliation was entirely impossible. The thought that she could have sex with someone else and expected us to continue as her fiancé was insulting to me beyond what words can describe. I'm thinking to myself, "who the f does she think I am"? 

Think about it. Slept 3 times in a night tells me she placed her "wants" before you and furthermore thought she could get you back as long as you can't find your backbone, which is what she was counting on. Her actions to me are an indictment of what she thinks about you.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> No way she can be trusted. One whole week was all it took to get in her pants and she is still around him. Just think about that.


I completely understand. She wants to fly me out to work on things but Idk. It's still going to.be a trust factor because even though she says she wouldn't, I deep down KNOW she will. It sucks because I'm so confused on how to cope about this ****. Time and distance is on my side. I just gotta utilize it correctly.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

colingrant said:


> I'll need to re-read your post and think on it, but here's something for you to chew on. I have no facts to back this up but I am thoroughly convinced wayward spouses who come clean immediately following cheating (or full blown affair) often proceeded through a cost/benefit analysis in their mind, calculating if the benefit of a few sex sessions was worthy of the cost and conclude the cost was not the loss of there relationship because they didn't think the betrayed person would leave them.
> 
> At the exact ages of you and your girlfriend, my x-fiancé had a couple of her girlfriends cheat on there boyfriends and the boyfriends actually ratcheted up there relationship efforts to "win them back". This was absurd to me and I never understood it until I joined this site and other infidelity sites and recognized the panic and despair of being cheated on actually reduces betrayed spouses to fractions of themselves and the lost confidence, dignity and esteem causes them to reclaim it by being reunited with the wayward. Sad but, it's repeated in 95% or more of these stories.
> 
> ...


Wow right on! This was excellent! You're right about how she values me. It sucks to even think about what she did but she did. I told her that what she did/is doing with him is temporary as he has a wife to go back to on base. She has to come home and then live with the fact she lost someone good over a one/several night stand (under assumption she is feeling guilty). I should be over the hill by then.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

JayJay89 said:


> Fair enough. She told me she "felt like it was the end of the relationship" for her to do what she did yet it DOESN'T excuse it in the slightest. Hopefully these next 8 months will push me faster to be over this so I won't have to be a *** when she gets back. I'd be moved on by then.


You got lucky buddy. She showed her true colors before you got in too deep with her. I don’t know if you were living together but at least you have eight months without having to see her. By the time she comes back you’ll have hopefully moved on and you will wonder what you ever saw in her.
By the way, I’m not a nice guy when someone tries to **** with me emotionally. I would tell anyone who asks exactly why you are broken up. And if her **** buddy has a partner I would do my best to let her know who she’s dealing with.
Edit to add: I’ve just seen on another post that her **** buddy is married. Find out who he is and bring his world down on top of him. Also report both of them to their CO.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

JayJay89 said:


> I told her that what she did/is doing with him is temporary as he has a wife to go back to on base.


That makes what she did even worse. If you haven't told the wife, you should. It's not about creating more drama. She deserves to know what's going on as well.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> I find it hard to believe this post but if it’s true then you need to dump her yesterday and completely block her on everything, phone, society media and email.
> She couldn’t keep her legs crossed for one month and she has eight more to go? *She is having a great time *while you are almost suicidal FFS.
> You found out in time who you were dating. Thank whoever you pray to that you weren’t married to her.


Uh, these deployments ARE NOT good times.

I have been on very many deployments, some lasting a year.

The Middle East is very hot, very hot and dusty.

You are a prisoner, no matter your rank.

The time passes very slowly and it is either mind numbing boring, or tense and chilling.

The one thing that makes it tolerable is the camaraderie of the unit members.

Any deployment that brought along females brought along sex and infidelity.

I saw wonderful and loyal married female soldiers succumb to the boredom and at last, sleep with at least one man.


.........................................................................

I agree, she pre-planned to screw this fellow soldier.
Or, she was already having sex with him.

Why?
a) She told you, so that you would be gone by the time she returned.
b) Or, she wants an open relationship.

Tis' a cruel thing she did.



_Are Dee-_


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

bobert said:


> The way you are feeling and the bouncing back and forth is totally normal. Unfortunately there is no way to expedite the process though. Well, not necessarily because things like counseling and taking care of yourself will help but this is a process that still takes time. Lots and lots of time.
> 
> My situation is different than yours but for me the initial feelings lasted probably close to a year before it started calming down, and the back and forth lasted much longer. And the "what if" thoughts still happen 3½ years later. But I chose to stay, had I left the timeline MIGHT have looked different. In my head it does but in reality, who knows.
> 
> ...


Wow this was an incredible statement. Thanks for understanding my 2 sided coin dilemma. We both have kids from other relationships and we were close to getting engaged. Even tho it's been 5 days, I feel a lil stronger than I've been the past few days.

I agree, she has horrible boundaries. When we first met, I made it a point to not rush into a relationship and waited it out initially to make sure that's what she wanted before making it official. I explained to her right then about boundaries and what we should set. Ig after 3 years it didn't matter anymore. Thank you for this I needed it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Talking to her may benefit her but it doesn’t benefit you. It’s not going to help you move on (which is what you should be focusing on). Be grateful you didn’t marry her. It’s true she didn’t have to tell you but that doesn’t mean she won’t do it again. You’ll never trust her — and you shouldn’t.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

JayJay89 said:


> Thank you so much! I've been talking to a few close people about this and I'm planning on trying to get professional help soon under assumption it gets worse. Initially I did felt so guilty but that's emotional Stockholm syndrome. But I told her I wasn't wrong AT ALL for how I felt and she was 100% at fault because I didn't NOTHING to deserve that treatment. Initially when I tried to talk about it she seemed like it was "upsetting" to keep asking questions about it and also said she didn't regret it although she's "remorseful" about it smh. But hey I live and I learn.


Yea, she’s not worth it. There are couples who go through things like this and make it through, staying together but the cheater needs to show remorse and understanding. Your ex gf sounds like she thought you were going to accept her apology and not question anything else.  She sounds manipulative from how you’ve explained she had reacted after you found out.

If you look back over the past three years, there were probably other red flags. Glad you are moving on! It’ll all be worth it.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

JayJay89 said:


> I completely understand. She wants to fly me out to work on things but Idk. It's still going to.be a trust factor because even though she says she wouldn't, I deep down KNOW she will. It sucks because I'm so confused on how to cope about this ****. Time and distance is on my side. I just gotta utilize it correctly.


But work on what? She had sex 3x in a night with a guy she met 1 week prior. What reason did she give for her choice to cheat on you? It sound like she was just horny and went for it while you aren't around. How do you fix that lack of character?


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

bobert said:


> That makes what she did even worse. If you haven't told the wife, you should. It's not about creating more drama. She deserves to know what's going on as well.


I wish I could but I really don't have the info to let the wife know. No it isn't being petty letting her know either. But just as it wasn't fair to me it's not fair to her. I even asked my ex if we was married would you still have cheated? She said "no because she takes vowels seriously". Lmao wtf really? But not enough to take our relationship seriously to GET married or respected the marriage of his smh. Make that make sense....because it doesn't.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> Yea, she’s not worth it. There are couples who go through things like this and make it through, staying together but the cheater needs to show remorse and understanding. Your ex gf sounds like she thought you were going to accept her apology and not question anything else.
> 
> If you look back over the past three years, there were probably other red flags. Glad you are moving on! It’ll all be worth it.


Thank you! Slowly but surely. I'll be able to look back on this one day like I have done the past relationships and laugh. I hope to wake up tonthat day faster than this came.😀


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> But work on what? She had sex 3x in a night with a guy she met 1 week prior. What reason did she give for her choice to cheat on you? It sound like she was just horny and went for it while you aren't around. How do you fix that lack of character?


You are right. I understand what you are saying. That's something she must fix herself. Now I'm NOT saying I'm going to be waiting the next 8 months *****ing and crying over her....but I do need to make sense of things while it's still fresh. It'll take a while to get there. Ik I'm damaged goods right now and at time I do feel worthless and ****ty. Just sucks that I did the best I could and even then it wasn't good enough.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your best may not have been good enough for _her_ but that obviously doesn’t mean it won’t be good enough for the new person you’ll find as soon as you move on from this.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

JayJay89 said:


> She wants to fly me out to work on things but Idk. It's still going to.be a trust factor because even though she says she wouldn't, I deep down KNOW she will


Shut that **** down. She’s proven herself untrustworthy, and not just in small things.



JayJay89 said:


> It sucks to even think about what she did but she did. I told her that what she did/is doing with him is temporary as he has a wife to go back to on base


You need to tell the wife back at the base. And what about fraternization rules? You need to ensure charges are filed. Why on earth would you conspire with your WGF to keep this secret? This is NOT about revenge. This is about the natural consequences for one’s choices, and these consequences are NEEDED for the GOOD of both your (hopefully X) GF and the POS AP.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> You got lucky buddy. She showed her true colors before you got in too deep with her. I don’t know if you were living together but at least you have eight months without having to see her. By the time she comes back you’ll have hopefully moved on and you will wonder what you ever saw in her.
> By the way, I’m not a nice guy when someone tries to *** with me emotionally. I would tell anyone who asks exactly why you are broken up. And if her *** buddy has a partner I would do my best to let her know who she’s dealing with.
> Edit to add: I’ve just seen on another post that her **** buddy is married. Find out who he is and bring his world down on top of him. Also report both of them to their CO.


As far as too deep....it already too late BUT I'm still lucky in the sense that because she's so damn far away, I'm forced to deal with this at home as this is a surefire way to not go see here and reset the healing clock. As soon as I can get the information, I WILL report both of them. All I need is his name. I know his rank tho.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Your best may not have been good enough for _her_ but that obviously doesn’t mean it won’t be good enough for the new person you’ll find as soon as you move on from this.


Thank you so much. Thanks for giving me hope through this.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> Uh, these deployments ARE NOT good times.
> 
> I have been on very many deployments, some lasting a year.
> 
> ...


Thanks battle. And that's the thing but I know DAMN WELL if this was me on the other end at my unit, I wouldn't have heard then end of it! She had the nerve to tell me that she would forgive me on something like this when I asked her. Ik it's bs. Just saying that to make the acceptance easier for HER. Ig it was just my turn with her.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

gr8ful1 said:


> Shut that **** down. She’s proven herself untrustworthy, and not just in small things.
> 
> 
> 
> You need to tell the wife back at the base. And what about fraternization rules? You need to ensure charges are filed. Why on earth would you conspire with your WGF to keep this secret? This is NOT about revenge. This is about the natural consequences for one’s choices, and these consequences are NEEDED for the GOOD of both your (hopefully X) GF and the POS AP.


I never conspired woth her to keep it secret. She mentioned the rank and I caught on to it. He's an E6 in the navy (CS1) but idk what unit he's attached to or at least his last name. Trust me if I can figure it out I'll get the info to them asap. Trust me I'm not down for that ****. I've seen other soldiers close to me lose there minds when their woman left them or ****ed them over. I know! But looking back and singing all those "Jody" cadences, I never would've thought that I would be singing it about me smh.


----------



## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

JayJay89 said:


> You are right. The biggest takeaway from what you said is that she DIDN'T see me face to face physically....only through video. It's easier to bounce when you are


she has to be with you to feel the pain and most likely she wouldn't care. you warned her several times on cheating but she did it anyway. 
when you choose a partner not because you love them only. you choose a parent for your future kid. 

reputation and self respect are above everything - and if you lose either one you lose yourself

once a cheater always a cheater - are you welling to suffer through this just to be with her? there are more women out there that are better and would never cheat. 

why would you on this painful journey when you are not even married?

stand up for yourself and above all respect it. this is what the military to teach?


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

why dont you also ask her to reach out to other man's wife and confess what her husband had done. let her at least make one thing right


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

JayJay89 said:


> I wish I could but I really don't have the info to let the wife know. No it isn't being petty letting her know either. But just as it wasn't fair to me it's not fair to her. I even asked my ex if we was married would you still have cheated? *She said "no because she takes vowels seriously".* Lmao wtf really? But not enough to take our relationship seriously to GET married or respected the marriage of his smh. Make that make sense....because it doesn't.


Bwahahahaha 😂😂😂😂 If you learn nothing else. All cheaters lie a lot. 
The capability is there for her to do this again. I’d let her be someone else’s problem. 
From what I’ve seen repeated infidelity isn’t uncommon.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

JayJay89 said:


> Fair enough. She told me she "felt like it was the end of the relationship" for her to do what she did yet it DOESN'T excuse it in the slightest. Hopefully these next 8 months will push me faster to be over this so I won't have to be a *** when she gets back. I'd be moved on by then.


So, she is your GF not your wife. That dating time period is the testing period to find out if you are compatible for the long term. She cheated, so clearly she failed the test.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

JayJay89 said:


> Thanks battle. And that's the thing but I know DAMN WELL if this was me on the other end at my unit, I wouldn't have heard then end of it! She had the nerve to tell me that she would forgive me on something like this when I asked her. Ik it's bs. Just saying that to make the acceptance easier for HER. Ig it was just my turn with her.


Bud, cake eaters love cake. It’s your choice on whether you keep feeding her or not.
No contact will be your new best friend. If not you’ll keep yourself bound up in this BS.
A lot in this scenario fall into the “l love her so she must love me too”. Nope, her actions tell you everything you need to know. Or they start smoking the hopium pipe. It sounds like you may wake up to your new reality. Some live in denial but that is a temporary comfort zone. 
Get strong and stay there.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Do what you need to do for you.
If she did it 3 times in one night don’t think it not gonna happen again with them being in close proximity. 
Not like you can keep an eye on her and she already shown the “trust her” isn’t possible.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

If the OM is married, if it’s like it used to be, he could get in serious trouble for adultery. Or if they of different ranks too.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

JayJay89 said:


> idk what unit he's attached to or at least his last name


Tell her if she wants _any_ chance at you _considering_ R then she must give you every detail about her AP. I’m not in any way recommending R - just the opposite since you’re not married, no kids together etc. - but instead as a means of getting his info from her.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Talking to her may benefit her but it doesn’t benefit you. It’s not going to help you move on (which is what you should be focusing on). Be grateful you didn’t marry her. It’s true she didn’t have to tell you but that doesn’t mean she won’t do it again. You’ll never trust her — and you shouldn’t.


Yea I see that. It's shattered badly. Maybe it's really not mean


Openminded said:


> Talking to her may benefit her but it doesn’t benefit you. It’s not going to help you move on (which is what you should be focusing on). Be grateful you didn’t marry her. It’s true she didn’t have to tell you but that doesn’t mean she won’t do it again. You’ll never trust her — and you shouldn’t.


Yes you are correct. I just gotta grab myself by the bootstraps and keep trucking along.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

JayJay89 said:


> (M/32) (F/34). Last Friday, the woman of 3 years told me she slept with a man she met within a week of meeting him after being deployed a month already. We are both military but I'm home in the states. We talked countless times about infidelity going abroad and the statistics behind it. She kept telling me to trust her and not worry about it and usually got upset when I did bring it up. Lo and behold, she did what she said she wouldn't do. She slept with him 3x that night. The same night I needed her and she would not answer my calls. I knew something was up when she first called back and she spilled it immediately.
> 
> It crushed me. BADLY. It's only been 5 days but I "feel" ok but I do keep bouncing back and forth between depression and anger. Soon as she told me I immediately dumped her. I almost considered self harm at several points. I'm hurt and oddly enough I do miss her and still want her but I know it's only what I'm going through. She said she wants to work stuff out and I'm very tempted to but with her having 8 more months left, I know it isn't good for me to hang on when she is in the middle east and I can't do **** about it. I know ots a lose/lose situation but I can't FEEL it. She said she wants to work it out and do whatever it takes but the more I talk about it to her, the more "annoyed" she seems about it, yet she complains when I tell her I don't want to talk about the issue.
> 
> In all fairness, I've seen few relationships come back and survive better after some bs like this, but what can I do to expedite this depressing, nauseous feeling? Even we talk, I still want to go NC but it's weird that I can't pull it off even tho she is halfway around the world. I'm very vulnerable right now. I'd like advice on both sides of the "dumper/dumped" in this position as well as the "worked through it/walked away" positions. Please don't be rude. I understand that there are obvious reasons and choices as to why I shouldn't.


Ghost her and move on.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

blackclover3 said:


> she has to be with you to feel the pain and most likely she wouldn't care. you warned her several times on cheating but she did it anyway.
> when you choose a partner not because you love them only. you choose a parent for your future kid.
> 
> reputation and self respect are above everything - and if you lose either one you lose yourself
> ...


You are right. I'm just hurting but I do understand that respect given is respect due. Yes I do feel that **** that ***** vibes and I feel it strongly. I'm just trying to...just forcefully get over this bs. I want the old me back.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

gr8ful1 said:


> Tell her if she wants _any_ chance at you _considering_ R then she must give you every detail about her AP. I’m not in any way recommending R - just the opposite since you’re not married, no kids together etc. - but instead as a means of getting his info from her.


Right. Soon as I get back at least talking to her again conversationaly then yes I will get something out of her.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

red oak said:


> If the OM is married, if it’s like it used to be, he could get in serious trouble for adultery. Or if they of different ranks too.


It's still the same. He is marred and she's an E5 and he's and E6


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> Bud, cake eaters love cake. It’s your choice on whether you keep feeding her or not.
> No contact will be your new best friend. If not you’ll keep yourself bound up in this BS.
> A lot in this scenario fall into the “l love her so she must love me too”. Nope, her actions tell you everything you need to know. Or they start smoking the hopium pipe. It sounds like you may wake up to your new reality. Some live in denial but that is a temporary comfort zone.
> Get strong and stay there.


Right on battle. I've hit the acceptance stage early and I know I'm strong enough to survive it. I'm just reeling from the hurt and betrayal that won't mean **** in the next few weeks to months. Ima get stronger tho believe me.


----------



## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Ghost her jay jay. Everytime you think of taking her back, think about the fact sh ****ed a guy she knew a week 3x in the same night. All this while in a relationship with you. She's not worth it my friend. Move on with your life. A 34 yr old woman with no morals ,isn't likely to develop any all off a sudden.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

blackclover3 said:


> why dont you also ask her to reach out to other man's wife and confess what her husband had done. let her at least make one thing right


Right but knowing her, she wouldn't want that to come back on her and make her look bad. I know exactly how she is.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Tested_by_stress said:


> Ghost her jay jay. Everytime you think of taking her back, think about the fact sh ****ed a guy she knew a week 3x in the same night. All this while in a relationship with you. She's not worth it my friend. Move on with your life. A 34 yr old woman with no morals ,isn't likely to develop any all off a sudden.


And everytime I think about that my stomach churns. I'm starting to side more often than not about taking her back. It's makes sense not to....but my emotions are high right now. I'll get there soon.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

jlg07 said:


> So, she is your GF not your wife. That dating time period is the testing period to find out if you are compatible for the long term. She cheated, so clearly she failed the test.


Yes, she is a GF, and that is a good thing, 

Yet-

One's loving heart does not care about the legality factor.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

JayJay89 said:


> Right but knowing her, she wouldn't want that to come back on her and make her look bad. I know exactly how she is.


More the reason for her self-flung boomerang to be returned to sender.

Yes, let his spouse know.
She may ask for proof.

Tell her that your GF admitted to sleeping with him.

If you can get your GF to secretly and unknowingly admit to this in an email, _more_ the better.

If not, march forward anyway.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

JayJay89 said:


> Right but knowing her, she wouldn't want that to come back on her and make her look bad. I know exactly how she is.


No way would I recommend her reaching out. As you guessed - she won’t. Get the intel and you do it yourself.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

JayJay89 said:


> She said she wants to work it out and do whatever it takes but *the more I talk about it to her, the more "annoyed" she seems* about it, yet she complains when I tell her I don't want to talk about the issue.


This tells you all you need to know.

She wants to “work it out”, but only if you stop whining about it and just get over it already.

Oh, and also — you need to be OK with her continuing to bang this other dude for the next 8 months.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I was married for a very long time to a cheater. When he was caught he would promise he would never again do anything to disrupt our marriage. And, fool that I was then, I believed him. He’s the reason I don’t support reconciliation. It works for some but for many it doesn’t and it hurts a lot more the second time than it did the first time.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

JayJay89 said:


> Just sucks that I did the best I could and even then it wasn't good enough.


Jay you gotta get this crap outta your head asap.

Cheaters cheat because they can. It's about who THEY are, not who you are.
There's not a f**** thing you could have done to keep her legs shut then, now, or in the future.
She is who she is.

Don't let this thinking eat you up...because it will if you let it.


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## initareed (9 mo ago)

JayJay89 said:


> (M/32) (F/34). Last Friday, the woman of 3 years told me she slept with a man she met within a week of meeting him after being deployed a month already. We are both military but I'm home in the states. We talked countless times about infidelity going abroad and the statistics behind it. She kept telling me to trust her and not worry about it and usually got upset when I did bring it up. Lo and behold, she did what she said she wouldn't do. She slept with him 3x that night. The same night I needed her and she would not answer my calls. I knew something was up when she first called back and she spilled it immediately.
> 
> It crushed me. BADLY. It's only been 5 days but I "feel" ok but I do keep bouncing back and forth between depression and anger. Soon as she told me I immediately dumped her. I almost considered self harm at several points. I'm hurt and oddly enough I do miss her and still want her but I know it's only what I'm going through. She said she wants to work stuff out and I'm very tempted to but with her having 8 more months left, I know it isn't good for me to hang on when she is in the middle east and I can't do **** about it. I know ots a lose/lose situation but I can't FEEL it. She said she wants to work it out and do whatever it takes but the more I talk about it to her, the more "annoyed" she seems about it, yet she complains when I tell her I don't want to talk about the issue.
> 
> In all fairness, I've seen few relationships come back and survive better after some bs like this, but what can I do to expedite this depressing, nauseous feeling? Even we talk, I still want to go NC but it's weird that I can't pull it off even tho she is halfway around the world. I'm very vulnerable right now. I'd like advice on both sides of the "dumper/dumped" in this position as well as the "worked through it/walked away" positions. Please don't be rude. I understand that there are obvious reasons and choices as to why I shouldn't.


Pull it off...go NC.

She is a p*ss-poor candidate for reconciliation.

You have seen who she is, my friend. I am truly sorry. This is classic cheating...cheating 101. The aggravation/annoyance she displayed when discussing infidelity prior to deployment? Then cheats 1 month in? 3 x in same night (the act)? She made the decision 3 x with no care for you...at any time. I am going to shoot straight here...it's not the first time she's been inappropriate...it may be the first physical contact, but definitely not first inappropriate (perhaps online, text, etc (emotional cheating).

What you are feeling is "hysterical bonding"...you cannot engage in the sex aspect, but the emotion is still there. That's why you are having trouble staying away. This WILL subside.

Hit the gym (endorphins!), eat right, drink plenty of water, no alcohol. The pain and stress of this affects the body.

You WILL get through this! You have taken the first crucial step (dumping her).

Hugs, hun.


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## Landofblue (May 28, 2019)

She has proven she is not ready to be a partner, fiancé or wife. I think you should block her from messaging, email, social media and voice calls. 
Give yourself time to grieve and heal and then get back out there and find someone who knows how to treat you right, make you feel safe and make you their one and only. 

Your gf is way immature, a liar and a gaslighter.
And yes I would tell his wife as soon as you find out his name. Guarantee this is not the first woman he has cheated with. His wife deserves the truth.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

JayJay89 said:


> It's still the same. He is marred and she's an E5 and he's and E6





SunCMars said:


> Yes, she is a GF, and that is a good thing,
> 
> Yet-
> 
> One's loving heart does not care about the legality factor.


Yes I agree.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

gr8ful1 said:


> No way would I recommend her reaching out. As you guessed - she won’t. Get the intel and you do it yourself.


Sure thing.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> More the reason for her self-flung boomerang to be returned to sender.
> 
> Yes, let his spouse know.
> She may ask for proof.
> ...


Forward march brother


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> More the reason for her self-flung boomerang to be returned to sender.
> 
> Yes, let his spouse know.
> She may ask for proof.
> ...


Forward march brother


GusPolinski said:


> This tells you all you need to know.
> 
> She wants to “work it out”, but only if you stop whining about it and just get over it already.
> 
> Oh, and also — you need to be OK with her continuing to bang this other dude for the next 8 months.


I never will be. **** that *****. Im just feeling embarrassed because I fell for the okie doke.


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## initareed (9 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> I was married for a very long time to a cheater. When he was caught he would promise he would never again do anything to disrupt our marriage. And, fool that I was then, I believed him. *He’s the reason I don’t support reconciliation. It works for some but for many it doesn’t and it hurts a lot more the second time than it did the first time.*


Same. The reason it hurts more (after the first) is because we know that we chose to stay and we're experiencing it because of a choice we made. First time = all the cheater...second time = cheater + you.

Honestly...dealing with how stupid I'd been (accepting his lies) was the hardest for me to deal with. I am *very hard* to sell on reconciliation.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Landofblue said:


> She has proven she is not ready to be a partner, fiancé or wife. I think you should block her from messaging, email, social media and voice calls.
> Give yourself time to grieve and heal and then get back out there and find someone who knows how to treat you right, make you feel safe and make you their one and only.
> 
> Your gf is way immature, a liar and a gaslighter.
> And yes I would tell his wife as soon as you find out his name. Guarantee this is not the first woman he has cheated with. His wife deserves the truth.


I agree 100% with this. Soon as i find out, it's over for their career. I just enrolled into therapy to help myself. It's sad that I have to resort to therapy because of a woman's actions...


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## initareed (9 mo ago)

JayJay89 said:


> Initially when I tried to talk about it she seemed like it was "upsetting" to keep asking questions about it and also said she didn't regret it although she's "remorseful" about it smh. But hey I live and I learn.


What a sk*nk...


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

When I was betrayed, the thought I couldn't stop thinking about was *what would I think of myself* if I took her back. I concluded it would essentially be a self-betrayal. I wasn't sure of this but thought very carefully about the future knowing how I was and what the risks were if I were to reconcile. Once I gave this significant thought, it became clear what my course of action would be.

Turns out I was right. I bet on myself that I could do better. Met my wife 6 months later. Best decision of my life was to leave and find a better replacement. It happened much faster than I thought. I wasn't looking for a replacement, I was just living and loving life again. As it turns out, that's how the replacements come to you. You don't go looking. You just have fun living and it will happen as long as you commit to living and loving life and being the best you can be.

That is what's attractive to people. Wayward spouses are often disrespectful and unappreciative of the betrayed spouse primarily because the betrayed fears leaving them and inherently that causes a form of disrespect since the wayward knows they can do terrible things and still be wanted by the betrayed. It's sad but respect is often only earned when the betrayed exercises their options without fear. They don't threaten divorce. separation or a breakup. They just do it.

If you think about it, it's human nature. People disregard what they have and want what they can't. A kid can ignore a toy for days. Take it from them and all of a sudden it's the best toy they ever had and cannot do without. In your situation, we're talking about the grown up version. Respect yourself and disappear. You will feel better with each day that passes.


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## initareed (9 mo ago)

JayJay89 said:


> It's still the same. He is marred and she's an E5 and he's and E6


I hope you find out! I hate that crap.


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## initareed (9 mo ago)

colingrant said:


> When I was betrayed, the thought I couldn't stop thinking about was what would I think about myself if I took her back. For me personally, I surmised I would've betrayed myself. I wasn't sure of this but thought very carefully about the future knowing how I was and what the risks were if I were to reconcile. Once I gave this significant thought, it became clear what my course of action would be.
> 
> Turns out I was right. I bet on myself that I could do better. Met my wife 6 months later. Best decision of my life was to leave and find a better replacement. It happened much faster than I thought. I wasn't looking for a replacement, I was just living and loving life again. As it turns out, that's how the replacements come to you. You don't go looking. You just have fun living and it will happen as long as you commit to living and loving life and being the best you can be.
> 
> That is what's attractive to people. Wayward spouses are often disrespectful and unappreciative of the betrayed spouse primarily because the betrayed fears them and with that comes a form of disrespect sometimes. Respect is earned when the betrayed exercises their options without fear. They don't threaten them. They actually follow through with them.


I have an 8 yr old son (4 at the time)...I was so frozen with "getting it wrong". In reality, not trusting myself was "wrong".
I have stayed in the area...'cause that's still his dad, but we're stronger together without the chaos.

And dogs...OP, you need a dog!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

initareed said:


> Same. The reason it hurts more (after the first) is because we know that we chose to stay and we're experiencing it because of a choice we made. First time = all the cheater...second time = cheater + you.
> 
> Honestly...dealing with how stupid I'd been (accepting his lies) was the hardest for me to deal with. I am *very hard* to sell on reconciliation.


I totally agree. It’s a rare day when I can bring myself to support reconciliation. I have to stay away from that usually because that word alone is a huge trigger.


----------



## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

initareed said:


> I have an 8 yr old son (4 at the time)...I was so frozen with "getting it wrong". In reality, not trusting myself was "wrong".
> I have stayed in the area...'cause that's still his dad, but we're stronger together without the chaos.
> 
> And dogs...OP, you need a dog!


initareed, in your defense, you carried the enormous responsibility of caring for a 4 year old child, so your hesitancy and inclination to take the safe route was understandable.


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## initareed (9 mo ago)

colingrant said:


> initareed, in your defense, you carried the enormous responsibility of caring for a 4 year old child, so your hesitancy and inclination to take the safe route was understandable.


Thank you...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

JayJay89 said:


> I never will be. *** that ****. Im just feeling embarrassed because I fell for the okie doke.


You know what you need to do. Hell, you’ve already done it. All that’s left is for you to modify your environment to the degree necessary that you’re able to maintain and enforce that decision — ghost her, block her everywhere, scrub her presence from your life. New phone number, new phone, new email address… whatever it takes.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> I was married for a very long time to a cheater. When he was caught he would promise he would never again do anything to disrupt our marriage. And, fool that I was then, I believed him. He’s the reason I don’t support reconciliation. It works for some but for many it doesn’t and it hurts a lot more the second time than it did the first time.


I'm sorry to hear that. No one should ever have to go through that. This will be a learning curve for me. To not be so involved in the next relationship and let things fall where they may.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

GusPolinski said:


> You know what you need to do. Hell, you’ve already done it. All that’s left is for you to modify your environment to degree necessary that you’re able to maintain and enforce that decision — ghost her, block her everywhere, scrub her presence from your life. New phone number, new phone, new email address… whatever it takes.


Gotcha. I'm in the process of doing it now. Its painful as **** but I really don't have a choice.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

colingrant said:


> When I was betrayed, the thought I couldn't stop thinking about was *what would I think of myself* if I took her back. I concluded it would essentially be a self-betrayal. I wasn't sure of this but thought very carefully about the future knowing how I was and what the risks were if I were to reconcile. Once I gave this significant thought, it became clear what my course of action would be.
> 
> Turns out I was right. I bet on myself that I could do better. Met my wife 6 months later. Best decision of my life was to leave and find a better replacement. It happened much faster than I thought. I wasn't looking for a replacement, I was just living and loving life again. As it turns out, that's how the replacements come to you. You don't go looking. You just have fun living and it will happen as long as you commit to living and loving life and being the best you can be.
> 
> ...


*Turns out I was right. I bet on myself that I could do better. Met my wife 6 months later. Best decision of my life was to leave and find a better replacement. It happened much faster than I thought. I wasn't looking for a replacement, I was just living and loving life again. As it turns out, that's how the replacements come to you. You don't go looking. You just have fun living and it will happen as long as you commit to living and loving life and being the best you can be.*

This right here. This put it more in perspective than what I could originally thought. I most certainly don't want to block my blessings. Thank you for this.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

initareed said:


> I hope you find out! I hate that crap.


Me too🤬


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

JayJay89 said:


> And everytime I think about that my stomach churns. I'm starting to side more often than not about taking her back. It's makes sense not to....but my emotions are high right now. I'll get there soon.


Your heart will betray you in these situations. Be smart and let your brain lead you.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

JayJay89 said:


> (M/32) (F/34). Last Friday, the woman of 3 years told me she slept with a man she met within a week of meeting him after being deployed a month already. We are both military but I'm home in the states. We talked countless times about infidelity going abroad and the statistics behind it. She kept telling me to trust her and not worry about it and usually got upset when I did bring it up. Lo and behold, she did what she said she wouldn't do. She slept with him 3x that night. The same night I needed her and she would not answer my calls. I knew something was up when she first called back and she spilled it immediately.
> 
> It crushed me. BADLY. It's only been 5 days but I "feel" ok but I do keep bouncing back and forth between depression and anger. Soon as she told me I immediately dumped her. I almost considered self harm at several points. I'm hurt and oddly enough I do miss her and still want her but I know it's only what I'm going through. She said she wants to work stuff out and I'm very tempted to but with her having 8 more months left, I know it isn't good for me to hang on when she is in the middle east and I can't do **** about it. I know ots a lose/lose situation but I can't FEEL it. She said she wants to work it out and do whatever it takes but the more I talk about it to her, the more "annoyed" she seems about it, yet she complains when I tell her I don't want to talk about the issue.
> 
> In all fairness, I've seen few relationships come back and survive better after some bs like this, but what can I do to expedite this depressing, nauseous feeling? Even we talk, I still want to go NC but it's weird that I can't pull it off even tho she is halfway around the world. I'm very vulnerable right now. I'd like advice on both sides of the "dumper/dumped" in this position as well as the "worked through it/walked away" positions. Please don't be rude. I understand that there are obvious reasons and choices as to why I shouldn't.


You would do well to assume this isn't the first time. It's convenient that the first time you couldn't get in touch with her happened to be the night she cheated, rather then on one of the nights she was cheating you couldn't get in touch with her.

Dudes married too, this chick is immoral, that makes her emotionally dangerous. Stay away.

I'm sorry OP, it sucks but you are doing the right thing. I say ghost. Dating is a test, it was already going to be hard but long distance with a cheater seems like a path only to miserly.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I'm so sorry to hear about what happened. It's devastating when someone you trust cheats on you. If you try and work things out, you will show her that the consequences of someone cheating on you is that you forgive them, she doesn't lose you, and that it's not a deal-breaker. So I guess the question is - what would you do if she did this again? She doesn't seem remorseful because she said she didn't regret it. I'm not sure you have a lot to work out.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

JayJay89 said:


> She told me she "felt like it was the end of the relationship" for her to do what she did


Make her feeling be true.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

JayJay89 said:


> Wow right on! This was ! You're right about how she values me. It sucks to even think about what she did but she did. I told her that what she did/is doing with him is temporary as he has a wife to go back to on base. She has to come home and then live with the fact she lost someone good over a one/several night stand (under assumption she is feeling guilty). I should be over the hill by then.


I know about those '_over the hil_l' statements.

Brings back memories.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

JayJay89 said:


> (M/32) (F/34). Last Friday, the woman of 3 years told me she slept with a man she met within a week of meeting him after being deployed a month already. We are both military but I'm home in the states. We talked countless times about infidelity going abroad and the statistics behind it. She kept telling me to trust her and not worry about it and usually got upset when I did bring it up. Lo and behold, she did what she said she wouldn't do. She slept with him 3x that night. The same night I needed her and she would not answer my calls. I knew something was up when she first called back and she spilled it immediately.
> 
> It crushed me. BADLY. It's only been 5 days but I "feel" ok but I do keep bouncing back and forth between depression and anger. Soon as she told me I immediately dumped her. I almost considered self harm at several points. I'm hurt and oddly enough I do miss her and still want her but I know it's only what I'm going through. She said she wants to work stuff out and I'm very tempted to but with her having 8 more months left, I know it isn't good for me to hang on when she is in the middle east and I can't do **** about it. I know ots a lose/lose situation but I can't FEEL it. She said she wants to work it out and do whatever it takes but the more I talk about it to her, the more "annoyed" she seems about it, yet she complains when I tell her I don't want to talk about the issue.
> 
> In all fairness, I've seen few relationships come back and survive better after some bs like this, but what can I do to expedite this depressing, nauseous feeling? Even we talk, I still want to go NC but it's weird that I can't pull it off even tho she is halfway around the world. I'm very vulnerable right now. I'd like advice on both sides of the "dumper/dumped" in this position as well as the "worked through it/walked away" positions. Please don't be rude. I understand that there are obvious reasons and choices as to why I shouldn't.


The military is one of the worst places for infidelity, because you are mixing men and women under sometimes extreme duress and hysterical bonding is a common reaction, as well as that soldiers are often also highly tempted when they are surrounded by very fit bodies. 

You also don't know how often she has really cheated. I'd suggest moving one with your life and leave her to her military life.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

jonty30 said:


> The military is one of the worst places for infidelity, because you are mixing men and women under sometimes extreme duress and hysterical bonding is a common reaction, as well as that soldiers are often also highly tempted when they are surrounded by very fit bodies.
> 
> You also don't know how often she has really cheated. I'd suggest moving one with your life and leave her to her military life.


Exactly right! I don't know and I only know as much as she decided to tell me. I understand the stress in the military but for her it's no excuse.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> Your heart will betray you in these situations. Be smart and let your brain lead you.


I will DEFINITELY take this advice to heart.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

joannacroc said:


> I'm so sorry to hear about what happened. It's devastating when someone you trust cheats on you. If you try and work things out, you will show her that the consequences of someone cheating on you is that you forgive them, she doesn't lose you, and that it's not a deal-breaker. So I guess the question is - what would you do if she did this again? She doesn't seem remorseful because she said she didn't regret it. I'm not sure you have a lot to work out.


You're right. When I was ALOT younger, I did alot of stupid stuff including cheating which wasn't right. But I've learned and did my best to not hurt another woman like that again so I understand second chances. Nonetheless, my past still doesn't excuse her behavior in the present. After this is all said and done, I don't know what or how I'd might feel. As of right now, I'm in the push to move on and let her live her life. This really sucks but in time I should be able to laugh about this in the next few months.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

JayJay89 said:


> Exactly right! I don't know and I only know as much as she decided to tell me. I understand the stress in the military but for her it's no excuse.


She may have decided to tell you because of the risk that what she did was going to get back to you. She exercised information control to get ahead of you learning it. 
By telling you that she was unfaithful, and minimizing it, it would have controlled how much you could be told.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

sokillme said:


> You would do well to assume this isn't the first time. It's convenient that the first time you couldn't get in touch with her happened to be the night she cheated, rather then on one of the nights she was cheating you couldn't get in touch with her.
> 
> Dudes married too, this chick is immoral, that makes her emotionally dangerous. Stay away.
> 
> I'm sorry OP, it sucks but you are doing the right thing. I say ghost. Dating is a test, it was already going to be hard but long distance with a cheater seems like a path only to miserly.


I can totally understand that. Hell when I was on active duty for a few months I was tempted HEAVILY from various women. But I STILL didn't take the bait. A reputation in the military is HARD to shake when you're known to be a barrack bunny lol. I told her that her knowing the dude was married was wrong. I told her that if she was to ever get married to the man of her dreams and he steps outside Y'ALLS marriage....remember THIS day in particular.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

JayJay89 said:


> I will DEFINITELY take this advice to heart.


It might be a good time for you to download and read ‘No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover. It’s a free pdf and short. Perfect for your situation.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

JayJay89 said:


> I can totally understand that. Hell when I was on active duty for a few months I was tempted HEAVILY from various women. But I STILL didn't take the bait. A reputation in the military is HARD to shake when you're known to be a barrack bunny lol. I told her that her knowing the dude was married was wrong. I told her that if she was to ever get married to the man of her dreams and he steps outside Y'ALLS marriage....remember THIS day in particular.


Bud, she didn’t care if he was married. Plus she obviously didn’t care much about how it would affect you either.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

JayJay89 said:


> (M/32) (F/34). Last Friday, the *woman of 3 years told me she slept with a man she met within a week of meeting him* after being deployed a month already...*She kept telling me to trust her and not worry about it and usually got upset when I did bring it up*. Lo and behold, *she did what she said she wouldn't do. She slept with him 3x that night. The same night I needed her and she would not answer my calls. *
> 
> It crushed me. BADLY. It's only been 5 days but I "feel" ok but *I do keep bouncing back and forth between depression and anger.* Soon as she told me I immediately dumped her. I almost considered self harm at several points. I'm hurt and oddly enough I do miss her and still want her but I know it's only what I'm going through. She said she wants to work stuff out and I'm very tempted to but with her having 8 more months left, I know it isn't good for me to hang on when she is in the middle east and I can't do **** about it. I know ots a lose/lose situation but I can't FEEL it. *She said she wants to work it out and do whatever it takes but the more I talk about it to her, the more "annoyed" she seems about it, yet she complains when I tell her I don't want to talk about the issue.*


I have bolded the items in your post you should reflect on.

You gave three years of your life to this person and within a week she spreads her legs for another man. She does exactly what she said she wouldn't do - betray you. She also chooses to do this when she believes you are in no position to act.

Your first instinct to dump her is the correct choice. 

She wants to work things out? What for? I will enlighten you. She is likely narcissistic because the games she is playing with you and the emotional harm she is able to inflict on you are what such people do for "fuel." She needs to be in control of the narrative, your emotions, everything she can be in control of. 

Your wise choice to dump her proves she has no control. * You cannot reason with her any more than you can help her.* She is doing what she wants to do and as long as she gets her way she doesn't care how much pain you are in. Love, hate, adoration and conflict are all rich sources of fuel to her. Indifference and no contact are your weapons of choice.

Why she wants to work things out. You dumped her. She wants to _work things out_ so that she can dump you. Call it what you like but this stupidity is what such people do. Everything must be on her terms. You will part ways with her the question for you is will you do it on your terms and suffer far less damage or on her terms with much more suffering to come down the pipeline. She will do her best to break you to harvest all fuel she can before she discards you.

The person you loved has never existed. She crafted a persona to lure you into a relationship. There is a part of you she covets. Whatever part of you she cannot claim as her own she will do her best to undermine and break.

Cut all contact with her and move on. There is no relationship to save or worth saving. Save yourself.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

JayJay89 said:


> Thanks. I dumped her initially. But I want to make sure I'm strong enough to not go back.


What branch of the military are you in?

Your this mentally unstable because a girl who isn’t worth two ****s cheated on you! WTF 

Go and talk with the chaplain. Get some help and don’t hurt yourself, she isn’t worth it.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Stop all communication with her.

Block her on social media, email, text and any other way she has to get ahold of you.


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## SnowToArmPits (Jan 2, 2016)

JayJay89 said:


> Thanks. I dumped her initially. But I want to make sure I'm strong enough to not go back.


Well you can always do that mate, but you're not getting much of a prize are you?
You can do better, move on from her.
Sorry this happened to you.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

Cheese fungus or mold?

Most people don't understand the most cheese fungus/mold is NOT skin deep. You get your moldy cheddar out of the fridge and scrape/carve off the white XXXX and "Wa-LA" yellow cheese.

so you chomp down on it and wash down with a brew and crackers

several hours later - you pay a visit to the loo - Did you MAKE the connection?

Yes? No?

Dude - your girlfriend or ??? she is - is affected with mold - continue on with her and you will experience 
the fun of "going to the loo."


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

jonty30 said:


> She may have decided to tell you because of the risk that what she did was going to get back to you. She exercised information control to get ahead of you learning it.
> By telling you that she was unfaithful, and minimizing it, it would have controlled how much you could be told.


Facts! I feel the same way now that you mentioned that.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

SnowToArmPits said:


> Well you can always do that mate, but you're not getting much of a prize are you?
> You can do better, move on from her.
> Sorry this happened to you.


Thanks. I'm in the process of moving on now. She called me not long ago. I just let it go to vm. Hurts but not enough to keep disrespecting myself.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

ABHale said:


> What branch of the military are you in?
> 
> Your this mentally unstable because a girl who isn’t worth two ****s cheated on you! WTF
> 
> Go and talk with the chaplain. Get some help and don’t hurt yourself, she isn’t worth it.


Army. I said I considered it but I didn't do it. I have enrolled in therapy sessions starting this Saturday. I realize she isn't worth it now. I'm just taking it a hour at a time.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

marko polo said:


> I have bolded the items in your post you should reflect on.
> 
> You gave three years of your life to this person and within a week she spreads her legs for another man. She does exactly what she said she wouldn't do - betray you. She also chooses to do this when she believes you are in no position to act.
> 
> ...


Wow the way this is broken down made me realize some internal issues I overlooked as love can make you do that. I will save myself trust that.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> Bud, she didn’t care if he was married. Plus she obviously didn’t care much about how it would affect you either.


She didn't bro and that's the breaking point. **** her...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

JayJay89 said:


> (M/32) (F/34). Last Friday, the woman of 3 years told me she slept with a man she met within a week of meeting him after being deployed a month already. We are both military but I'm home in the states. We talked countless times about infidelity going abroad and the statistics behind it. She kept telling me to trust her and not worry about it and usually got upset when I did bring it up. Lo and behold, she did what she said she wouldn't do. She slept with him 3x that night. The same night I needed her and she would not answer my calls. I knew something was up when she first called back and she spilled it immediately.
> 
> It crushed me. BADLY. It's only been 5 days but I "feel" ok but I do keep bouncing back and forth between depression and anger. Soon as she told me I immediately dumped her. I almost considered self harm at several points. I'm hurt and oddly enough I do miss her and still want her but I know it's only what I'm going through. She said she wants to work stuff out and I'm very tempted to but with her having 8 more months left, I know it isn't good for me to hang on when she is in the middle east and I can't do **** about it. I know ots a lose/lose situation but I can't FEEL it. She said she wants to work it out and do whatever it takes but the more I talk about it to her, the more "annoyed" she seems about it, yet she complains when I tell her I don't want to talk about the issue.
> 
> In all fairness, I've seen few relationships come back and survive better after some bs like this, but what can I do to expedite this depressing, nauseous feeling? Even we talk, I still want to go NC but it's weird that I can't pull it off even tho she is halfway around the world. I'm very vulnerable right now. I'd like advice on both sides of the "dumper/dumped" in this position as well as the "worked through it/walked away" positions. Please don't be rude. I understand that there are obvious reasons and choices as to why I shouldn't.


Dude, get some possible professional help. A cheating woman is not worth your time and definitely not worth you considering flipping your own switch.

Their are good women out there and you owe it to yourself to take the time to find one.

Make sure your healthy, mentally and physically, first.

Keep your head up soldier.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> It might be a good time for you to download and read ‘No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover. It’s a free pdf and short. Perfect for your situation.


I'm about to download it now. Thanks!


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> It might be a good time for you to download and read ‘No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover. It’s a free pdf and short. Perfect for your situation.


I'm about to download it now. Thanks!


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> Dude, get some possible professional help. A cheating woman is not worth your time and definitely not worth you considering flipping your own switch.
> 
> Their are good women out there and you owe it to yourself to take the time to find one.
> 
> ...


Thanks so much for this! I needed the encouragement. I'm broken like hell but next time I will take my time and vet more carefully. This **** sucks for the ones that actually try!


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

JayJay89 said:


> (M/32) (F/34). Last Friday, the woman of 3 years told me she slept with a man she met within a week of meeting him after being deployed a month already. We are both military but I'm home in the states. We talked countless times about infidelity going abroad and the statistics behind it. She kept telling me to trust her and not worry about it and usually got upset when I did bring it up. Lo and behold, she did what she said she wouldn't do. She slept with him 3x that night. The same night I needed her and she would not answer my calls. I knew something was up when she first called back and she spilled it immediately.
> 
> It crushed me. BADLY. It's only been 5 days but I "feel" ok but I do keep bouncing back and forth between depression and anger. Soon as she told me I immediately dumped her. I almost considered self harm at several points. I'm hurt and oddly enough I do miss her and still want her but I know it's only what I'm going through. She said she wants to work stuff out and I'm very tempted to but with her having 8 more months left, I know it isn't good for me to hang on when she is in the middle east and I can't do **** about it. I know ots a lose/lose situation but I can't FEEL it. She said she wants to work it out and do whatever it takes but the more I talk about it to her, the more "annoyed" she seems about it, yet she complains when I tell her I don't want to talk about the issue.
> 
> In all fairness, I've seen few relationships come back and survive better after some bs like this, but what can I do to expedite this depressing, nauseous feeling? Even we talk, I still want to go NC but it's weird that I can't pull it off even tho she is halfway around the world. I'm very vulnerable right now. I'd like advice on both sides of the "dumper/dumped" in this position as well as the "worked through it/walked away" positions. Please don't be rude. I understand that there are obvious reasons and choices as to why I shouldn't.


Don't do it! Find a woman with morals, you deserve better. She will continue doing this if you stay with her. I bet you money when you said we're done, she has been with same guy every night since.

BTW: Thank you for your service.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

JayJay89 said:


> Wow right on! This was excellent! You're right about how she values me. It sucks to even think about what she did but she did. I told her that what she did/is doing with him is temporary as he has a wife to go back to on base. She has to come home and then live with the fact she lost someone good over a one/several night stand (under assumption she is feeling guilty). I should be over the hill by then.


He has a wife, I would find out and inform her. Let her bring charges of infidelity in court martial against your GF. Get her azz booted from service.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

JayJay89 said:


> Wow right on! This was excellent! You're right about how she values me. It sucks to even think about what she did but she did. I told her that what she did/is doing with him is temporary as he has a wife to go back to on base. She has to come home and then live with the fact she lost someone good over a one/several night stand (under assumption she is feeling guilty). I should be over the hill by then.


You don't get it...one/several night....no she will continue this behavior over the next 8 months!


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> Don't do it! Find a woman with morals, you deserve better. She will continue doing this if you stay with her. I bet you money when you said we're done, she has been with same guy every night since.
> 
> BTW: Thank you for your service.


Thank you! I've thought about this all the time. The more I think about it...the more I get angrier about it. That alone is helping me see through my rose colored glasses.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> Don't do it! Find a woman with morals, you deserve better. She will continue doing this if you stay with her. I bet you money when you said we're done, she has been with same guy every night since.
> 
> BTW: Thank you for your service.


Thank you! I've thought about this all the time. The more I think about it...the more I get angrier about it. That alone is helping me see through my rose colored glasses.


Divinely Favored said:


> You don't get it...one/several night....no she will continue this behavior over the next 8 months!


I get it. Trust me I do. Early on yes I was in denial. It's part of the process. Do I actually want to believe she ISN'T ****ing him still? Yes. Is that reality? No.

My heart is still broken but it doesn't mean I'm not learning from this and being wiser as the days roll on by. Because of the huge distance between us, I'm forced to get over it which in turn should speed up the healing process as I can't just get up and go see her, resetting the healing clock again.

That's why I came here to get different opinions from everyone which is helping me to a extent understand myself from the outside looking in from people I don't know.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> He has a wife, I would find out and inform her. Let her bring charges of infidelity in court martial against your GF. Get her azz booted from service.


Hell yea I will.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

JayJay89 said:


> *Turns out I was right. I bet on myself that I could do better. Met my wife 6 months later. Best decision of my life was to leave and find a better replacement. It happened much faster than I thought. I wasn't looking for a replacement, I was just living and loving life again. As it turns out, that's how the replacements come to you. You don't go looking. You just have fun living and it will happen as long as you commit to living and loving life and being the best you can be.*
> 
> This right here. This put it more in perspective than what I could originally thought. I most certainly don't want to block my blessings. Thank you for this.


My wife and I met 4 months after she left her cheating hubby. I was just sick of women. We both decided to stop looking and turn it over to God to put us with the one we were to be with. 

2 weeks later a made a wrong turn...or maybe right turn is better...and saw her at a restaurant. Ran her plates and found out a name and that her Chevy was not registered in a hubby's name. Met her couple weeks later at the lake...lost looking for her parents camper. 

Next day set a date. We just had our 25th anniversary on the 10th. Both are very, very against adultry. Will not even carry on conversation, phone or otherwise, with someone of opposite sex, unless in presence of our spouse.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Marc878 said:


> It might be a good time for you to download and read ‘No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover. It’s a free pdf and short. Perfect for your situation.


And that other book? Loose a cheater, Gain a life?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

JayJay89 said:


> I'm about to download it now. Thanks!


That book made a BIG difference in my relationship. Instead of me jumping through hoops and chasing the prize...I realized I am the 🏆. Act like a man and realize you can do better than her and quit acting like a little boy wanting attention. When a woman sees the confidence and lack of neediness it is very attractive. Now my wife subscribes to the montra for a happy husband, "Full belly, Empty balls". 25 yrs and we are both in our honeymoon phase and happy as larks. Ready for 17 yr old to go to college and get out of house so we have more alone time whenever and where ever we want. Thinking about hot tub on back porch and walk in shower remodel big enough for 2 with bench seat. 😋


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> My wife and I met 4 months after she left her cheating hubby. I was just sick of women. We both decided to stop looking and turn it over to God to put us with the one we were to be with.
> 
> 2 weeks later a made a wrong turn...or maybe right turn is better...and saw her at a restaurant. Ran her plates and found out a name and that her Chevy was not registered in a hubby's name. Met her couple weeks later at the lake...lost looking for her parents camper.
> 
> Next day set a date. We just had our 25th anniversary on the 10th. Both are very, very against adultry. Will not even carry on conversation, phone or otherwise, with someone of opposite sex, unless in presence of our spouse.


See I like this! This gives me hope in the world. Maybe wrong woman, right time for me...idk. I wish I could have someone that'll love be back the same way one day. Not that it's a priority, but no one wants to die alone.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> And that other book? Loose a cheater, Gain a life?


Is that from the same person?


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> That book made a BIG difference in my relationship. Instead of me jumping through hoops and chasing the prize...I realized I am the 🏆. Act like a man and realize you can do better than her and quit acting like a little boy wanting attention. When a woman sees the confidence and lack of neediness it is very attractive. Now my wife subscribes to the montra for a happy husband, "Full belly, Empty balls". 25 yrs and we are both in our honeymoon phase and happy as larks. Ready for 17 yr old to go to college and get out of house so we have more alone time whenever and where ever we want. Thinking about hot tub on back porch and walk in shower remodel big enough for 2 with bench seat. 😋


That's the life right there lol!


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

JayJay89 said:


> Maybe wrong woman, right time for me...idk. I wish I could have someone that'll love be back the same way one day.


And you will. The more you look for it the more elusive it is. Your right person to love will sneak into your live when you'd least expect it. That's how it normally works. carry on with confidence and a upbeat take as life moves forward, and it will show. When you least realize it, is already there for you. You'll know. All you need to understand is that in life there's no guarantees. You take it as it comes, until it is no more, or you reached the end of the line for you, and she was there all along with you 'till the end. Myself, I'm already in the last stretch of life with the woman I love, which I found when I least expected it, decades, and decades ago, after a first marriage that ended in divorce.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

JayJay89 said:


> See I like this! This gives me hope in the world. Maybe wrong woman, right time for me...idk. I wish I could have someone that'll love be back the same way one day. Not that it's a priority, but no one wants to die alone.


It makes me wary for my son. Too many girls now a days are out to ride the 🐓 🎠 and don't want to find a good guy and settle down. By the time they get there they have been used and abused and are no longer worthy of being called marriage material. Their heads are so screwed up it is not worth the time and effort. 

My wife married HS bf at 17 and I caught her 4 months after separation and 2 months before final divorce decree. I had some issues with her not trusting for a few years but it is all out now. I am only one she trusts now. Luckily I caught a 27 yr old fox that had not been on the market playing the field and riding the 🎠 of men.

They are gems out there. I found one.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

JayJay89 said:


> Is that from the same person?


Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life
By Tracy Schorn


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Going no contact should be viewed as a way to heal, but at this stage (when the break up is fresh), many people use it as a way to get their ex’s attention or get them to come back. Not saying you’re doing that OP but when you’re hurting, it’s nice to hear apologies from an ex and how they miss you. But it’s not helpful to healing.

It’s your life OP, but if you continue to talk with her, you will never heal. 😔 If you go back with her, all she will have learned is to not tell you next time.

You’ll have bad days but stay strong. It’ll be worth it.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Go dark and ghost her. It really is the best way to move on and heal. The only thing you will get from her is excuses at best and lies at worst. She is not marriage material and never will be.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

*Deidre* said:


> Going no contact should be viewed as a way to heal, but at this stage (when the break up is fresh), *many people use it as a way to get their ex’s attention or get them to come back*. Not saying you’re doing that OP but when you’re hurting, it’s nice to hear apologies from an ex and how they miss you. But it’s not helpful to healing.
> 
> It’s your life OP, but if you continue to talk with her, you will never heal. 😔 If you go back with her, all she will have learned is to not tell you next time.
> 
> You’ll have bad days but stay strong. It’ll be worth it.


The problem is what you’d be getting back.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

Commit to memory a true mantra around here: No new contacts = no new hurts


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> And you will. The more you look for it the more elusive it is. Your right person to love will sneak into your live when you'd least expect it. That's how it normally works. carry on with confidence and a upbeat take as life moves forward, and it will show. When you least realize it, is already there for you. You'll know. All you need to understand is that in life there's no guarantees. You take it as it comes, until it is no more, or you reached the end of the line for you, and she was there all along with you 'till the end. Myself, I'm already in the last stretch of life with the woman I love, which I found when I least expected it, decades, and decades ago, after a first marriage that ended in divorce.


Man this hit deep right here! She called me today and all was fine. I showed NO emotion but I didn't play it off like I was "stoic". She LITERALLY got upset because my tone changed. I told her I was over thr bs and I'm not gonna punish myself anymore especially over a woman who didn't give af. Today I just got a job offer for the job I tried to get for 3 years @ 100k a year at a plant WHILE I was with her. Now she looking stupid. See how God works lol? That just motivated me and catapulted me into the stratosphere. And it's only been a week now and I'm pretty much moved forward with minimal scars. 

THANK YOU! Thank you for this right here.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> It makes me wary for my son. Too many girls now a days are out to ride the 🐓 🎠 and don't want to find a good guy and settle down. By the time they get there they have been used and abused and are no longer worthy of being called marriage material. Their heads are so screwed up it is not worth the time and effort.
> 
> My wife married HS bf at 17 and I caught her 4 months after separation and 2 months before final divorce decree. I had some issues with her not trusting for a few years but it is all out now. I am only one she trusts now. Luckily I caught a 27 yr old fox that had not been on the market playing the field and riding the 🎠 of men.
> 
> They are gems out there. I found one.


I see and I'm happy for you. I have a son I'm worried about also so "*It makes me wary for my son. Too many girls now a days are out to ride the 🐓 🎠 and don't want to find a good guy and settle down. By the time they get there they have been used and abused and are no longer worthy of being called marriage material. Their heads are so screwed up it is not worth the time and effort*" hits all the way home. 

I'm not perfect, but I gave it all I could and she wiped the floor with me. It's ok. I'm feeling better day by day.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> Going no contact should be viewed as a way to heal, but at this stage (when the break up is fresh), many people use it as a way to get their ex’s attention or get them to come back. Not saying you’re doing that OP but when you’re hurting, it’s nice to hear apologies from an ex and how they miss you. But it’s not helpful to healing.
> 
> It’s your life OP, but if you continue to talk with her, you will never heal. 😔 If you go back with her, all she will have learned is to not tell you next time.
> 
> You’ll have bad days but stay strong. It’ll be worth it.


Yea and it hurts but I'm already in my **** it mode. I'm pushing trying to move forward for the rest of my life. Yea it's been a week since but I'm honestly amazed how fast I'm just ....moving along. But I'm hoping to fully heal soon


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

JayJay89 said:


> I completely understand. She wants to fly me out to work on things but Idk. It's still going to.be a trust factor because even though she says she wouldn't, I deep down KNOW she will. It sucks because I'm so confused on how to cope about this ****. Time and distance is on my side. I just gotta utilize it correctly.


Sir, better you found out what type of woman she is now rather than later when you possibly married. Let her go. There is no longer anything to work on relationship wise. You can and will find a better woman.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

JayJay89 said:


> Man this hit deep right here! She called me today and all was fine. I showed NO emotion but I didn't play it off like I was "stoic". She LITERALLY got upset because my tone changed. I told her I was over thr bs and I'm not gonna punish myself anymore especially over a woman who didn't give af. Today I just got a job offer for the job I tried to get for 3 years @ 100k a year at a plant WHILE I was with her. Now she looking stupid. See how God works lol? That just motivated me and catapulted me into the stratosphere. And it's only been a week now and I'm pretty much moved forward with minimal scars.
> 
> THANK YOU! Thank you for this right here.


If you are smart you’ll stop contact. Quit keeping yourself in this.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

JayJay89 said:


> Man this hit deep right here! She called me today and all was fine. I showed NO emotion but I didn't play it off like I was "stoic". She LITERALLY got upset because my tone changed. I told her I was over thr bs and I'm not gonna punish myself anymore especially over a woman who didn't give af. Today I just got a job offer for the job I tried to get for 3 years @ 100k a year at a plant WHILE I was with her. Now she looking stupid. See how God works lol? That just motivated me and catapulted me into the stratosphere. And it's only been a week now and I'm pretty much moved forward with minimal scars.
> 
> THANK YOU! Thank you for this right here.


You couldn't be offered the job, until you shed the lode weight. The universe was waiting for that.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

JayJay89 said:


> She said she wants to work it out and do whatever it takes but the more I talk about it to her, the more "annoyed" she seems about it, yet she complains when I tell her I don't want to talk about the issue.


and


JayJay89 said:


> Initially when I tried to talk about it she seemed like it was "upsetting" to keep asking questions about it and also said she didn't regret it although she's "remorseful" about it smh.


and she said she wouldn't have done it if she knew OM was married? And you guys were about to be engaged? Huh!

Firstly, congrats on the job! @JayJay89
Wow, the above is astonishing laughable. That in itself would do it for me.
Then again, I'm in the 'even if it's only an EA, I'm out' camp.
I walked out of a marriage because of an EA and it's unlikely it had gotten to an PA. My reasoning was that EAs always end in a PA if they're not found out. And the lying is unforgiveable in my books. Come home and sleep with me every night while sneaking around chasing women? No sir. Now you can see her as much as you like but I won't be there when you come home LOL. Trust arrives on foot and leaves on a horse.

I know myself well enough to know that I'd never feel easy in my mind again and I didn't want to spend my life like that. Life is too precious to spend it living with a cheater, 'reformed' ex-cheater or not.
Also anger helped me a lot as in, "I'm a decent person. How dare he do that to me!"
And 'Why didn't he just tell me he wanted a divorce and leave the marriage before he started playing around'. Of course cheaters don't operate that way.
So try not let her betrayal become part of your life story. Sure it hurts now but walking away this quickly is gonna helps heaps. I did, no long discussions about the 'whys and wherefores'. 
After a year, less actually, I was back to myself and he was already in the past.
We didn't have kids, nor do you. That means a HUGE difference, in terms of being able to get out of it quckly.

I'd definitely tell his wife. If someone knew your partner was cheating, even someone you didn't know, would you want to be told?
Anyway well done! There are plenty of women with decent morals out there.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

JayJay89 said:


> I can totally understand that. Hell when I was on active duty for a few months I was tempted HEAVILY from various women. But I STILL didn't take the bait. A reputation in the military is HARD to shake when you're known to be a barrack bunny lol. I told her that her knowing the dude was married was wrong. I told her that if she was to ever get married to the man of her dreams and he steps outside Y'ALLS marriage....remember THIS day in particular.


No offense, but maybe you should just tell her to get lost.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Marc878 said:


> Why would anyone harm themselves for a cheater?
> makes no sense.


Makes perfect sense to people who have been there.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Makes perfect sense to people who have been there.


I have told friends if I ever turn up dead and they claim suicide, don't believe it. I am one who will get rid of the problem, not myself.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

JayJay89 said:


> Today I just got a job offer for the job I tried to get for 3 years @ 100k a year at a plant WHILE I was with her. Now she looking stupid. See how God works lol?


Jay, congratulations on your new job. Now, God might work in mysterious ways, but also we need to help ourselves, in other words, help yourself by ghosting her. NO MORE CONTACT with her. Your job is to look ahead for the future, no backwards or sideways. Ahead, full ahead. Say it: Aye, Aye captain.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> If you are smart you’ll stop contact. Quit keeping yourself in this.


You are right. I've started NC today.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> Jay, congratulations on your new job. Now, God might work in mysterious ways, but also we need to help ourselves, in other words, help yourself by ghosting her. NO MORE CONTACT with her. Your job is to look ahead for the future, no backwards or sideways. Ahead, full ahead. Say it: Aye, Aye captain.


Thank you! Aye Aye Captain!


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

sokillme said:


> No offense, but maybe you should just tell her to get lost.


I did. Told her I couldn't do it anymore.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

********** said:


> and
> 
> and she said she wouldn't have done it if she knew OM was married? And you guys were about to be engaged? Huh!
> 
> ...


Thanks so much! In due time, she'll regret it as karma is a mf. No matter the hour, day or year...it'll happen to her and I'll be gone in the wind like the last fresh prince of bel air episode lol. I know about this because all the women that cheated on me and left ALWAYS came back for one reason or another at a certain time or longer. It hurts but as the days roll by, it gets a bit easier. 

I love this group and this thread now for getting me through this. I really thought I was going to be called a dumbass and stuff for how I initially felt about her and what I'm dealing with. Instead it's been VERY supportive. 

Every day I LITERALLY and CONSTANTLY re read every single response to remind and uplift me to keep pushing and keep moving forward. I'm grateful for this.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Right now it’s hard to see but at some point you will probably reflect back and see you dodged a bullet.
It’s tough going through this now but it would be much worse if you were married with kids..
You will be fine long term. You have an exciting new job to keep you occupied. That’ll help. You can’t concentrate on two things at once.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

JayJay89 said:


> Thanks so much! In due time, she'll regret it as karma is a mf. No matter the hour, day or year...it'll happen to her and I'll be gone in the wind like the last fresh prince of bel air episode lol. I know about this because all the women that cheated on me and left ALWAYS came back for one reason or another at a certain time or longer. It hurts but as the days roll by, it gets a bit easier.
> 
> I love this group and this thread now for getting me through this. I really thought I was going to be called a dumbass and stuff for how I initially felt about her and what I'm dealing with. Instead it's been VERY supportive.
> 
> Every day I LITERALLY and CONSTANTLY re read every single response to remind and uplift me to keep pushing and keep moving forward. I'm grateful for this.


My sister was a wayward. She never changed. Concentrate on you. That’s what’s important.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Right now it’s hard to see but at some point you will probably reflect back and see you dodged a bullet.
> It’s tough going through this now but it would be much worse if you were married with kids..
> You will be fine long term. You have an exciting new job to keep you occupied. That’ll help. You can’t concentrate on two things at once.


Or to be compared for an eternity against somebody she thought was the one that got away.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> Right now it’s hard to see but at some point you will probably reflect back and see you dodged a bullet.
> It’s tough going through this now but it would be much worse if you were married with kids..
> You will be fine long term. You have an exciting new job to keep you occupied. That’ll help. You can’t concentrate on two things at once.


You are right and I appreciate this. It's a federal contract job so I know for a fact that I CANT worry about her and the situation anymore. If my head is not in the game I'll lose what I've worked for years to achieve. Slowly but surely one step at a time.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

jonty30 said:


> Or to be compared for an eternity against somebody she thought was the one that got away.


The i really hope so. Don't get me wrong...revenge per se shouldn't be on anyone's list in the general sense. Granted, for those who had to suffer the "insufferable", I would love the fact that she would have to compare me with the rest for the rest of her life.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

JayJay89 said:


> The i really hope so. Don't get me wrong...revenge per se shouldn't be on anyone's list in the general sense. Granted, for those who had to suffer the "insufferable", I would love the fact that she would have to compare me with the rest for the rest of her life.


I would not get hung up on this. If she cared about you she wouldn’t have cheated. You didn’t lose much. 
I doubt she’ll lose much sleep over you. Selfish people only think of themselves. 
I get your feelings but it would be a waste of your time and energy.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> I would not get hung up on this. If she cared about you she wouldn’t have cheated. You didn’t lose much.
> I doubt she’ll lose much sleep over you. Selfish people only think of themselves.
> I get your feelings but it would be a waste of your time and energy.


Yes it will be a waste. I just had a therapy session today and it made me feel more alive today than any other day.


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## truststone (8 mo ago)

Landofblue said:


> She has proven she is not ready to be a partner, fiancé or wife. I think you should block her from messaging, email, social media and voice calls.
> Give yourself time to grieve and heal and then get back out there and find someone who knows how to treat you right, make you feel safe and make you their one and only.
> 
> Your gf is way immature, a liar and a gaslighter.
> And yes I would tell his wife as soon as you find out his name. Guarantee this is not the first woman he has cheated with. His wife deserves the truth.


exactly and maybe this ws not the first time your GF chested on you too.. it coud be she told you because she really likes this guy


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## truststone (8 mo ago)

JayJay89 said:


> Man this hit deep right here! She called me today and all was fine. I showed NO emotion but I didn't play it off like I was "stoic". She LITERALLY got upset because my tone changed. I told her I was over thr bs and I'm not gonna punish myself anymore especially over a woman who didn't give af. Today I just got a job offer for the job I tried to get for 3 years @ 100k a year at a plant WHILE I was with her. Now she looking stupid. See how God works lol? That just motivated me and catapulted me into the stratosphere. And it's only been a week now and I'm pretty much moved forward with minimal scars.
> 
> THANK YOU! Thank you for this right here.


remember NO contact !!! theres never a reason to cummunicate it only helps the cheater not you !!!! stay focused !!!


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## truststone (8 mo ago)

congrats on your new job and focusing on you .. Just remain NC with her no matter what ... just curious since your in the states who owns the house ???. or are you renting? just saying depending on your situation get out of there let her if you can ghost her as much as you possible can .. NO distraction and she is just that. Dont let her ruin your new job and new start ... Good luck and keep up the good work


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

JayJay89 said:


> Man this hit deep right here! She called me today and all was fine. I showed NO emotion but I didn't play it off like I was "stoic". She LITERALLY got upset because my tone changed. I told her I was over thr bs and I'm not gonna punish myself anymore especially over a woman who didn't give af. Today I just got a job offer for the job I tried to get for 3 years @ 100k a year at a plant WHILE I was with her. Now she looking stupid. See how God works lol? That just motivated me and catapulted me into the stratosphere. And it's only been a week now and I'm pretty much moved forward with minimal scars.
> 
> THANK YOU! Thank you for this right here.


She was upset because you have turned off the fuel. You aren't reacting to her gameplay and bs. Would strongly recommend you change your home and cell number to further limit her ability to communicate with you.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

truststone said:


> exactly and maybe this ws not the first time your GF chested on you too.. it coud be she told you because she really likes this guy


Yea I feel the same way. It makes me REALLY wonder about all the stuff she has said to me in hindsight.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

truststone said:


> remember NO contact !!! theres never a reason to cummunicate it only helps the cheater not you !!!! stay focused !!!


I'm staying focused the best I can! I feel much better as the days go by.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

truststone said:


> congrats on your new job and focusing on you .. Just remain NC with her no matter what ... just curious since your in the states who owns the house ???. or are you renting? just saying depending on your situation get out of there let her if you can ghost her as much as you possible can .. NO distraction and she is just that. Dont let her ruin your new job and new start ... Good luck and keep up the good work


Thank you! I live in Texas and I'm paying the mortgage for my house. I own it solely. She never lived with me and ( ot in a bragging way) always had way more than her and any other man she ever been with combined. I was told this from her and other friends and family. She has roughly 8 more months on deployment. By the time she comes home I'll be long gone and leveled up. I'm starting to explore my options as far as fwb and just relax and chill.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

marko polo said:


> She was upset because you have turned off the fuel. You aren't reacting to her gameplay and bs. Would strongly recommend you change your home and cell number to further limit her ability to communicate with you.


I sure will.


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## truststone (8 mo ago)

i cant say this enough *Good job keeping one foot forward each day never looking back *and I know its hard,!! if it was easy everyone would be able to do it.. That being said I cant emphasize the importance of being NC and how lucky you are for snapping out of that FOG... WHo knows had you not you might not even been contemplating your new JOB...(imagine that!!) so my recommendation
1) Any friends in your network that have her - delete them now ( why because you are going full out NC till you are established in your new Job)
2) Get the JOB figured out ASAP and go there !!
3) Nobody needs to know what your doing especially her - its time for you to be accountable to yourself and the mission is NEW JOB at all cost
4) if u can once you start your new job and know where you will be stationed , start IC till you feel comfortable dating again !!
5) If you ever get the chance exposue the OP
keep up the good work and remeber your not perfect and those feelings will try to creep back in and f&&k with your heart .. just dont loose sight of wht you did what you did .. *You are never anyones planB or seconds unless you choose to Be !!*


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If she has a key to your place. Change the locks.
If she shows up in a raincoat with nothing underneath think about venereal diseases.🤮


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> If she has a key to your place. Change the locks.
> If she shows up in a raincoat with nothing underneath think about venereal diseases.🤮


Facts! Will do!


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

truststone said:


> i cant say this enough *Good job keeping one foot forward each day never looking back *and I know its hard,!! if it was easy everyone would be able to do it.. That being said I cant emphasize the importance of being NC and how lucky you are for snapping out of that FOG... WHo knows had you not you might not even been contemplating your new JOB...(imagine that!!) so my recommendation
> 1) Any friends in your network that have her - delete them now ( why because you are going full out NC till you are established in your new Job)
> 2) Get the JOB figured out ASAP and go there !!
> 3) Nobody needs to know what your doing especially her - its time for you to be accountable to yourself and the mission is NEW JOB at all cost
> ...


Thank you! This has encouraged me beyond measure to keep my head going and not give up. I'd admit...is it hard sometimes to stop thinking about her. Yes but I also try to use that to push myself more and better! Thank you!❤


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Happy to see you're moving forward! It's never easy when our feelings are involved. I'm glad to see that you took the high road as well, and didn't stay in contact and obsess. One day, it'll all be in the rearview mirror and it you'll be able to think of her without hurting so much.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

You’re amazing @JayJay89 !
I’m only reiterating what others have said but I couldn’t resist congratulating you LOL 😁

I checked & your first post was May 18, only 11 days ago. Wow! to act so quickly amidst the emotional turmoil… all BS s on here know exactly what that turmoil is like.

Your resolute actions show how much value you place on yourself. As it should be! 👍

Sure, you’ll think of her. You were with her for 3 years and no one is superhuman. So whatever you do, don’t berate or get angry with yourself if you do. It’s normal.
Go meet up with friends/go for a workout etc if it gets bad sometimes. Watch a comedy movie if at home. Distraction works wonders, I did that after I left.

You took the high road as @*Deidre* said & you’re headed for a bright future & a new job too!

I think you had a very lucky escape. You’re still very young and this could have happened 3 years down the track instead of now & you might have had kids by then.
👋👋👋 😁


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> Happy to see you're moving forward! It's never easy when our feelings are involved. I'm glad to see that you took the high road as well, and didn't stay in contact and obsess. One day, it'll all be in the rearview mirror and it you'll be able to think of her without hurting so much.


I hope I'm getting there. This sucks. Now it's hitting me in waves and I'm guessing that it's FINALLY hitting me while trying to repress it and think it's ok. I've cried a little....I've cried a lot. I'm trying to not beat myself up over HER wrongdoing and I can help but feel....empty...worthless. I'm in therapy because of this issue to help me maintain my sense of sanity and whatever bit of self love and self worth I have left 😔. 

I'm doing my best...but it's just the realization is hitting me a bit harder right now. 🥲 But....I'm trying.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

********** said:


> You’re amazing @JayJay89 !
> I’m only reiterating what others have said but I couldn’t resist congratulating you LOL 😁
> 
> I checked & your first post was May 18, only 11 days ago. Wow! to act so quickly amidst the emotional turmoil… all BS s on here know exactly what that turmoil is like.
> ...


Thank you😪. It's a hard road because of 3 years. It's like it was NOTHING to her! But what can u do now but accept it and keep moving forward. I'm not gonna lie. I'm fighting the urge to hit her up. But ik soon as I do...all progress is lost. The emotional waves keep hitting me left and right and I'm trying to separate WHO she said she was for WHAT she actually IS! I'm angry...I'm sad...I'm a mess. But I'm doing what u can to stay strong. This group has been awesome helping me feel not alone.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you contact her or respond to contact from her, you are back to square one. I once went several months with no contact before I responded to a text to clarify something that was put out as the truth and wasn’t and as a result of responding I had to start all over again. Never, ever respond — even if you know what they’re saying isn’t true. That’s how they reel you back in. Believe me, it’s not worth having to regain all that lost ground.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

JayJay89 said:


> Thank you😪. It's a hard road because of 3 years. It's like it was NOTHING to her! But what can u do now but accept it and keep moving forward. I'm not gonna lie. I'm fighting the urge to hit her up. But ik soon as I do...all progress is lost. The emotional waves keep hitting me left and right and I'm trying to separate WHO she said she was for WHAT she actually IS! I'm angry...I'm sad...I'm a mess. But I'm doing what u can to stay strong. This group has been awesome helping me feel not alone.


Let’s say it really was nothing to her…

Who cares?

She’s a cheating ho, and cheating hos gonna do two things:

1) Cheat
2) Ho


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

JayJay89 said:


> I just had a therapy session today and it made me feel more alive today than any other day.


@JayJay89 It's only been 11 days as I said. Someone once told me, "There's no way around it, the only way is to go through it." That's so true for many challenges in life, not just betrayal.
It's great that you're responding to therapy cos for some it's a while before they can get on board. Keep up the therapy!
There are so many on here who got through it, (including me!) It's amazing what we can achieve against all odds. You will too, though right now it may not seem like that.
Be easy on yourself. Let the emotions come out. I'm no expert at all but from what I've read it's better to let it out all the emotions than bottle them up.
Every step you're taking now is going in the right direction, no contact (absolutely necessary as @Openminded explained), your therapy and posting on here where you've got a lot of people cheering you on who know only too well how it feels.
Remember that when you start your new job you won't have as much time to think about it. That will stop you from dwelling on it as much, though you still will at times which is a normal human reaction.
Hang in there!


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

JayJay89 said:


> I hope I'm getting there. This sucks. Now it's hitting me in waves and I'm guessing that it's FINALLY hitting me while trying to repress it and think it's ok. I've cried a little....I've cried a lot. I'm trying to not beat myself up over HER wrongdoing and I can help but feel....empty...worthless. I'm in therapy because of this issue to help me maintain my sense of sanity and whatever bit of self love and self worth I have left 😔.
> 
> I'm doing my best...but it's just the realization is hitting me a bit harder right now. 🥲 But....I'm trying.


Yea, I know. It's still very new and fresh, so it will take some time. I think that with long-ish term relationship break ups, they can be really hard not just because you miss the person and are still stinging from the betrayal, but because you're mourning your future, in a way. You probably had high hopes with her, and they're all gone almost like it all never happened. That's the toughest part I think, is mourning the future that might have been, you know?

I know that things will get better, it just takes patience with the process and time. Lots of time. One day you'll wake up, and you will be past all of the pain. Just keep going, one day at a time. You're in my prayers. 🙏


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

This is where finding ways to keep occupied is imperative. You can’t think of two things at once.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You just keep moving forward, your not the only one that has been through this. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

She lied about who she was, that person never existed.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

UPDATE!
So....it's been a few weeks since all off this happened. I passed my fitness test for this government job and will start in August. 

She called me last night...I'm not gonna lie to my supporters. I did answer...and we did talk after this brief period of NC. I felt at peace...like I didn't pine for her or even ask her what she was doing in between the time we didn't talk. Whatever she does from then, during and after this point is no longer my business. She apologized profusely and I accepted it...for me and forgave her...for ME. But it still doesn't change my views on her for what she did. 

She is talking to me about back coming home for a few weeks in the next view months to see family and see me. Do I care? No...not really. I mean I still love her...but not in love. Not to the point she can sway my thoughts and convictions on her and the situation at whole. I guess her being THAT far away has helped me gain clearer insight and acceptance to the inevitable faster and better than if she would have done this state side. 

Don't get me wrong...I occasionally still think about this from time to time. But it doesn't hurt me to the core to the point of feeling nauseous. I know I know, I shouldn't have answered the phone. But it feels so good when she can tell I moved on faster and stronger than what she thought possible. I'm already going on dates and doing new things to keep my mind occupied. 

Thank you. Thank you to everyone that steered my right and kept me going when I thought I was alone. Without everyone who gave a damn how I felt, I'd probably still be pining over her. 

Thank you.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You’ll do what you want it’s your choice. Contact will get you what?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She’s going to show up and very likely throw sex at you to change your mind. Be prepared.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

JayJay89 said:


> UPDATE!
> So....it's been a few weeks since all off this happened. I passed my fitness test for this government job and will start in August.
> 
> She called me last night...I'm not gonna lie to my supporters. I did answer...and we did talk after this brief period of NC. I felt at peace...like I didn't pine for her or even ask her what she was doing in between the time we didn't talk. Whatever she does from then, during and after this point is no longer my business. She apologized profusely and I accepted it...for me and forgave her...for ME. But it still doesn't change my views on her for what she did.
> ...


Dude...do not screw her for old times sake. You may get stuck with other guys baby until DNA is available.


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## TriX (May 10, 2021)

JayJay89 said:


> She is talking to me about back coming home for a few weeks in the next view months to see family and see me.



Make sure you are 'busy' or not around when she turns up. Good chance that if you see her, old emotions will bubble up, and things may not go the way they should (i.e. you might be tempted to re-start something with her).


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## jparistotle (Jul 10, 2018)

JayJay89 said:


> UPDATE!
> So....it's been a few weeks since all off this happened. I passed my fitness test for this government job and will start in August.
> 
> She called me last night...I'm not gonna lie to my supporters. I did answer...and we did talk after this brief period of NC. I felt at peace...like I didn't pine for her or even ask her what she was doing in between the time we didn't talk. Whatever she does from then, during and after this point is no longer my business. She apologized profusely and I accepted it...for me and forgave her...for ME. But it still doesn't change my views on her for what she did.
> ...


Not sure if you stated this but have you told her you are moving on? NC is one thing but once broken it is a different matter. Choices have consequences and her choice if this is what YOU want, should clearly be defined by you as the end to the realtionship she once had. You now have a diff relationship where you still love her but are no longer in love with her. Do not lead her on.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> If you contact her or respond to contact from her, you are back to square one. I once went several months with no contact before I responded to a text to clarify something that was put out as the truth and wasn’t and as a result of responding I had to start all over again. Never, ever respond — even if you know what they’re saying isn’t true. That’s how they reel you back in. Believe me, it’s not worth having to regain all that lost ground.


That's true. I completely understand. Hell I woke up numb today about the whole situation. Like literally I had no feelings, negative or positive about it and that's the weird but good part about it. Somewhere in my mind, something just psychologically snapped and I don't even care anymore. 

Throughout this whole ordeal I've learned this....if you don't value yourself, another woman will make your value FOR you.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

jparistotle said:


> Not sure if you stated this but have you told her you are moving on? NC is one thing but once broken it is a different matter. Choices have consequences and her choice if this is what YOU want, should clearly be defined by you as the end to the realtionship she once had. You now have a diff relationship where you still love her but are no longer in love with her. Do not lead her on.


Oh yes she knows. She mentioned that if I find someone else who interests me to go for it and she won't "be mad about it" lol. Like...you CAN'T! You ****ed ME over lol. She kept asking questions nervously but I was either vague or switched the topic. I have NO intentions on leading her on. It's not bad to love someone you once had but I can bring myself to WANT to be in love with her again. Ig me getting over it THIS quickly and pressing on while she there is ****ing with her and rightfully so. By the ime she come home in what...the next 7 months, I've been had a NEW life already and maybe a new woman.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

TriX said:


> Make sure you are 'busy' or not around when she turns up. Good chance that if you see her, old emotions will bubble up, and things may not go the way they should (i.e. you might be tempted to re-start something with her).


Oh yea she lives in another city about 75 miles away from me so UNLESS she decides to try and see me, it'll be hard to. I'll be busy with my new job by the time she comes back (10-12 hr shifts) so I won't even have time to communicate with her.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> She’s going to show up and very likely throw sex at you to change your mind. Be prepared.


Oh I'm MORE than prepared. That's ONE of the tricks I know women (in general) use to get back at a man to control and/or confuse him. I've learned that lesson a long time ago. Knowing that, if and IF I do see her, big chance I wouldn't do it because I KNOW it won't mean ****. She'll **** me and then fly back to the middle east to go **** the same guy(s) she's been doing. So at this point...what THE point? Her vagina lost value in my eyes when she gave it away THAT fast and multiple times without a care in the world, so **** I'm not gonna cry over it lol.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

JayJay89 said:


> That's true. I completely understand. Hell I woke up numb today about the whole situation. Like literally I had no feelings, negative or positive about it and that's the weird but good part about it. Somewhere in my mind, something just psychologically snapped and I don't even care anymore.
> 
> Throughout this whole ordeal I've learned this....if you don't value yourself, another woman will make your value FOR you.


Be very careful. It's called a rollercoaster of emotions for a reason. Don't rely on this numb feeling to last. If it does for you, so soon after, you're a very lucky man indeed.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> You’ll do what you want it’s your choice. Contact will get you what?


Ultimately nothing. It's at the point I no longer care anymore. I woke up without ANY feeling. It is what it is you know. I'm honestly not hoping to gain anything from her or this situation. The longer I kept being angry and stayed in the victim role, the worst my mind deteriorated.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

JayJay89 said:


> Ultimately nothing. It's at the point I no longer care anymore. I woke up without ANY feeling. It is what it is you know. I'm honestly not hoping to gain anything from her or this situation. The longer I kept being angry and stayed in the victim role, the worst my mind deteriorated.


Buddy if I can interrupt you while you’re clapping yourself on the back I’d like to ask you one very important question. 
WHY ARE YOU STILL IN CONTACT WITH HER?
Cut out the bs. You’re either finished with her or not. Which is it?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Start casually dating again....
You will quickly find your worth.
....................................................

Your exGF said she would be OK with you dating while she was gone, for three reasons:

1) To alleviate her own guilt.
2) What else could she say?
3) ***To determine where you stand.....are you already dating?.... She wants to know what she is coming back to.
She knows she messed up, I sense this.

_Her practical side is at war with her adventurous side._

Too bad, so sad!

She broke the bond in the worst way possible by bedding another man.
And doing this so.....upfront and casual.
She wanted a fling and went with it.

I suspect she found out the grass is not greener in this other pasture.
The love-making was not much better in the other barnyard.
The new dude wants her body, not her suitcases.

Be prepared for her self-effacing and apology, at some point.

Ignore her, she is not a quality person.

Why be the poor specimen in her ongoing, social experimenting?



_Nemesis-_


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> Buddy if I can interrupt you while you’re clapping yourself on the back I’d like to ask you one very important question.
> WHY ARE YOU STILL IN CONTACT WITH HER?
> Cut out the bs. You’re either finished with her or not. Which is it?


I'm clapping myself on the back because I KNOW I'm over her ****, this ****, that ****, all of it. I'M not still in contact with her. She contacted me. Pf course I heard what she had to say, then I said what i had to as far as finally saying what I felt needed to be said after the initial break. No, I don't call her everyday or at all for that matter as THAT was a one time thing. I don't want her back and don't care to have her back. The bs has been cut. I got my closure on what I felt was needed and that was it. Trust me, a person can still.be finished without having any ties or feelings towards her.

When I made my initial update, it was to show how much and fast I have grown in these past few weeks without damaging myself with the support of everyone here. But I guess it back fired and now lots of people are "upset" at what I DID INSTEAD of HOW I felt after I did what I did as progress. Maybe I should've I just kept my mouth shut.

I can't win them all eh?


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> Start casually dating again....
> You will quickly find your worth.
> ....................................................
> 
> ...


Exactly. I completely agree. I AM dating again. It's not her business to know and I'm not telling her. Trust me I really understand EVERYONE'S concern that I'll relapse...but I won't. This isn't the first time I've been cheated on...but because of the support here and realizing the patterns in my own empathy, I was able to dig deep, say **** it and move on. 

All I'm saying is that contact or not...I'm over her and her ****. She had already done her worst WHILE with me so what could possibly hurt me when apart? I'm stronger now and in August I'll be making literally 100K a year. New job, new tax bracket, new options.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Be very careful. It's called a rollercoaster of emotions for a reason. Don't rely on this numb feeling to last. If it does for you, so soon after, you're a very lucky man indeed.


I see that. But today...I KNOW that feeling that I have right now because I've had this before when I rapidly moved on. I'm just sticking to my guns.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

JayJay89 said:


> I see that. But today...I KNOW that feeling that I have right now because I've had this before when I rapidly moved on. I'm just sticking to my guns.


Then you are a fortunate man indeed.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, it’s generally better to keep your mouth shut when removing a cheater. My guess is that you didn’t 100% shut her down? If she thinks the door’s open even a little she’ll walk right through it. Hopefully, you’re as strong as you think you are. I thought I was too.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Openminded said:


> Yes, it’s generally better to keep your mouth shut when removing a cheater. My guess is that you didn’t 100% shut her down? If she thinks the door’s open even a little she’ll walk right through it. Hopefully, you’re as strong as you think you are. I thought I was too.


Like the slime they are, cheaters seem to find a way to seep though any cracks we might not even know we had.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

JayJay89 said:


> Oh yes she knows. She mentioned that if I find someone else who interests me to go for it and she won't "be mad about it" lol. Like...you CAN'T! You ****ed ME over lol. She kept asking questions nervously but I was either vague or switched the topic. I have NO intentions on leading her on. It's not bad to love someone you once had but I can bring myself to WANT to be in love with her again. Ig me getting over it THIS quickly and pressing on while she there is ****ing with her and rightfully so. By the ime she come home in what...the next 7 months, I've been had a NEW life already and maybe a new woman.


She is saying to go for it because she had no intent to quit doing her F-Buddy.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

JayJay89 said:


> I see that. But today...I KNOW that feeling that I have right now because I've had this before when I rapidly moved on. I'm just sticking to my guns.


I'd blow up their careers on principle, but I'm a vengeful pr#ck if someone betrays me.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

You said what you had to say now do not take any more calls from her, just block her already! 

You are not done with her if you keep answering her calls. Quit it!


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## mickybill (Nov 29, 2016)

A key advantage that you had is that you are like 10 time zones, thousands of miles and 8 months away from each other. With most of us with local WS it is easy to communicate on a whim...the forced separation made it quicker for you to move forward...


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

JayJay89 said:


> I'm clapping myself on the back because I KNOW I'm over her **, this **, that ****, all of it. I'M not still in contact with her. She contacted me. Pf course I heard what she had to say, then I said what i had to as far as finally saying what I felt needed to be said after the initial break. No, I don't call her everyday or at all for that matter as THAT was a one time thing. I don't want her back and don't care to have her back. The bs has been cut. I got my closure on what I felt was needed and that was it. Trust me, a person can still.be finished without having any ties or feelings towards her.
> 
> When I made my initial update, it was to show how much and fast I have grown in these past few weeks without damaging myself with the support of everyone here. But I guess it back fired and now lots of people are "upset" at what I DID INSTEAD of HOW I felt after I did what I did as progress. Maybe I should've I just kept my mouth shut.
> 
> I can't win them all eh?


I actually believe you have ever right to tell her exactly what you think of her. Don’t hold back. Get it out and over with.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

JayJay89 said:


> Oh yes she knows. She mentioned that if I find someone else who interests me to go for it and she won't "be mad about it" lol. Like...you CAN'T! You ****ed ME over lol. She kept asking questions nervously but I was either vague or switched the topic. I have NO intentions on leading her on. It's not bad to love someone you once had but I can bring myself to WANT to be in love with her again. Ig me getting over it THIS quickly and pressing on while she there is ****ing with her and rightfully so. By the ime she come home in what...the next 7 months, I've been had a NEW life already and maybe a new woman.


Women who say that often believe that you won't be able to find somebody else.
That's the comfort they take in this situation.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Andy1001 said:


> Buddy if I can interrupt you while you’re clapping yourself on the back I’d like to ask you one very important question.
> WHY ARE YOU STILL IN CONTACT WITH HER?
> Cut out the bs. You’re either finished with her or not. Which is it?


I wish I could like this twice. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

JayJay89 said:


> I'm clapping myself on the back because I KNOW I'm over her **, this **, that ****, all of it. I'M not still in contact with her. She contacted me. Pf course I heard what she had to say, then I said what i had to as far as finally saying what I felt needed to be said after the initial break. No, I don't call her everyday or at all for that matter as THAT was a one time thing. I don't want her back and don't care to have her back. The bs has been cut. I got my closure on what I felt was needed and that was it. Trust me, a person can still.be finished without having any ties or feelings towards her.
> 
> When I made my initial update, it was to show how much and fast I have grown in these past few weeks without damaging myself with the support of everyone here. But I guess it back fired and now lots of people are "upset" at what I DID INSTEAD of HOW I felt after I did what I did as progress. Maybe I should've I just kept my mouth shut.
> 
> I can't win them all eh?


It isn't about winning them all.

Deluding yourself into thinking is a technique for starting the healing process...sort of like faking it until you make it. 

What that poster was saying is you are sure spending a lot of time selling us on how past her you are...almost as if you are trying to sell more than just us...like maybe yourself.

Are you a NCO? Can't you spot when your Soldiers say things that are just a little too convenient to be true? 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> You got lucky buddy. She showed her true colors before you got in too deep with her. I don’t know if you were living together but at least you have eight months without having to see her. By the time she comes back you’ll have hopefully moved on and you will wonder what you ever saw in her.
> By the way, I’m not a nice guy when someone tries to *** with me emotionally. I would tell anyone who asks exactly why you are broken up. And if her *** buddy has a partner I would do my best to let her know who she’s dealing with.
> Edit to add: I’ve just seen on another post that her **** buddy is married. Find out who he is and bring his world down on top of him. Also report both of them to their CO.


That's what I've been trying to do but it's hard trying to track him down. All I know is his rank is a CL3 in the Navy from what she told me.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

Tell her that if she fully identifies him to you that you MIGHT consider R. Then if she coughs him up, you think about it one second, and say NOPE.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

farsidejunky said:


> It isn't about winning them all.
> 
> Deluding yourself into thinking is a technique for starting the healing process...sort of like faking it until you make it.
> 
> ...


I'm a CPL but yes Ik what you are saying. No I'm not kidding myself or anyone on this thread despite and regardless what y'all may think. 

With therapy and making myself pissed enough to go to the red zone, I was able to just say **** it and just move on. Hell in a general sense I've been through worse than this. Back in December of 2007 I ended up walking in on my then 1.5 year ex gf with her ex bf...you know, the one I "shouldn't have to worry about" on top of her in a PUBLIC RESTROOM! I ****ed both of them up in the bathroom and left! TRUE STORY! I was depressed for almost 6 months before I moved on! So I often think about that to motivate me that AT LEAST she told me. Even though it don't make it right.

I put it in my head that she won't be back for another 7 months....so why cry and ***** about this **** when she will STILL be ****ing around on me whether I want her to right? So I'm eating BETTER! I'm getting better GAINS at the gym! I'm doing more **** with myself than u thought possible because I NOW have the free time to utilize and do so.

I'm over it fast because "if it ain't raining, we ain't training" right? When I had to deploy stateside (haven't went oconus yet) I didn't like the feeling of leaving my kids and family and my initial freedom I have to be under military rule for those months but guess what, I knew what I signed up for and dealt with the **** with my head held high...so that's what I'm doing. If ANYTHING the military has taught me, it's "more trucking and less ****ing". Yea it DID hurt me what she did. Yea I still have love for her as she WAS a part of my life for 3 years. But im HUMAN. But when she threw it away for a **** session, why hold on? I'm not holding on...even IF or WHEN I decide to speak to her.

I have self control...or more so now than when it first happened. When I gave an update, I was hoping that I got at the very least some form of positive support...but mostly flack came my way and understandably so...but people DO grieve and handle situations differently from different people as there is no way to cookie cutter emotions. Hell I go to funerals and never shed a tear. My eyes MIGHT water...but it's weird that they don't fall. But I've seen people break down and get depressed because their cat died. Nothing wrong with that, but what may be big to them may be small to me and vice versa...but there has to be a balance for understanding. 

So hey if I let you or anyone down because of a 10 min talk, then my bad. I was just proud of the fact how quickly I turned myself around from the help Y'ALL gave me.

But I guess not....thanks anyway.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

gr8ful1 said:


> Tell her that if she fully identifies him to you that you MIGHT consider R. Then if she coughs him up, you think about it one second, and say NOPE.


Gotcha. I just gotta butter her up a lil bit and play that role lol.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

JayJay89 said:


> I'm a CPL but yes Ik what you are saying. No I'm not kidding myself or anyone on this thread despite and regardless what y'all may think.
> 
> With therapy and making myself pissed enough to go to the red zone, I was able to just say **** it and just move on. Hell in a general sense I've been through worse than this. Back in December of 2007 I ended up walking in on my then 1.5 year ex gf with her ex bf...you know, the one I "shouldn't have to worry about" on top of her in a PUBLIC RESTROOM! I ****ed both of them up in the bathroom and left! TRUE STORY! I was depressed for almost 6 months before I moved on! So I often think about that to motivate me that AT LEAST she told me. Even though it don't make it right.
> 
> ...


I'm a vet, different army, different time, 30+ years ago, different country, but I do feel for brothers in arms. I'm sorry you feel we were hard on you, but we are hard the way a drill sergeant and other instructors are hard. Because we don't want to see you blown to smithereens for being NAFI in this.

Were just worried when someone's reaction seems out of the ordinary.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Internet blinked and came back with a double post....


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

JayJay89 said:


> I'm a CPL but yes Ik what you are saying. No I'm not kidding myself or anyone on this thread despite and regardless what y'all may think.
> 
> With therapy and making myself pissed enough to go to the red zone, I was able to just say **** it and just move on. Hell in a general sense I've been through worse than this. Back in December of 2007 I ended up walking in on my then 1.5 year ex gf with her ex bf...you know, the one I "shouldn't have to worry about" on top of her in a PUBLIC RESTROOM! I ****ed both of them up in the bathroom and left! TRUE STORY! I was depressed for almost 6 months before I moved on! So I often think about that to motivate me that AT LEAST she told me. Even though it don't make it right.
> 
> ...


You were doing great until your last two paragraphs. 

Nobody here is criticizing you because they want you to feel like ****, or because they think less of you.

That you assume those intentions from people says a lot about your own internal dialogue, most notably that you have a tendency to plant yourself in the victim chair.

From a SFC who retired in 2013, understand I am not saying these things to tear you down. On the contrary, I am trying to get you to recognize behavior patterns that stem from negative thinking and/or negative internal dialogue. 

For your self improvement journey:









The Three Faces of Victim – An Overview of the Victim Triangle


By Lynne Forrest Whether we know it, or not, most of us react to life as victims. Whenever we refuse to take responsibility for ourselves, we are unconsciously choosing to react as victim. This ine…



www.lynneforrest.com






Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

farsidejunky said:


> You were doing great until your last two paragraphs.
> 
> Nobody here is criticizing you because they want you to feel like ****, or because they think less of you.
> 
> ...


Thanks SFC. It wasn't the fact that I am making myself a victim, but when I said the reason why I spoke to her and how I felt, it was a "bombardment" of "why would you when you're gonna be/do/feel xyz..." and such. It's not that I care what people say about me...but it just shows you know.

I am doing my best every day to stay away from negative thinking traps and behaviors. Going to therapy and figuring myself out on WHY I end up choosing these types of women and getting better for myself is a step in the right direction to hold myself accountable and understand my self worth so the next time I can vet mire carefully and pay more attention to red flags.

I'll keep the link you have sent me in mind.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Dictum Veritas said:


> I'm a vet, different army, different time, 30+ years ago, different country, but I do feel for brothers in arms. I'm sorry you feel we were hard on you, but we are hard the way a drill sergeant and other instructors are hard. Because we don't want to see you blown to smithereens for being NAFI in this.
> 
> Were just worried when someone's reaction seems out of the ordinary. I appreciate the hardness. I just don't want people thinking that I'm just being delusional on how I really feel. There ARE some people that will do that to escape reality but me understanding that she is far away helped me cope better so I wouldn't have to be tempted to go see her and possibly do something stupid.


Thank you. I completely understand that. I was actually thinking of putting in a packet for the DSA in Fort Jackson. Either that or direct commission to officer because I do satisfy the conditions.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If she didn’t hang up from that conversation feeling that the door had been slammed in her face and locked and barred then I’m guessing the door was left open even if it was only a tiny bit. That’ll be enough for her to try to slip through if she hasn’t managed to replace you by then. I’ve been here a long time and I’ve seen many stories about women who cheat. Those who do use sex to manipulate because it works more often than not. There’s no reason to think she’s any different. So when she shows up, keep that in mind. Hopefully, you’ll be strong enough to resist when it happens.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

As much as you would argue against this, she still has a hold over you. *She called and you not only answered but you had a conversation with her.* This isn't a victory. You did what she wanted regardless how you choose to dress it up. 

I assume you feel that you lost nothing in the exchange and she gained nothing. This is incorrect. All information is valuable to a manipulator like your ex. What did you learn about her - nothing. More specifically no information that you can trust because it is coming from her. 

What did she learn about you. Even if you lied to her *she knows that she can call you and you will pick up the phone.* That is what this game she is playing is all about. Control. Even if she learned nothing that she can use to attempt to manipulate you, by answering the phone you proved to her she still has some influence over you. 

What do you have to gain by further communicating with her? Nothing. What does she have to gain? Fuel and information. 

Victory is when she is out of your life completely. You aren't there yet.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> If she didn’t hang up from that conversation feeling that the door had been slammed in her face and locked and barred then I’m guessing the door was left open even if it was only a tiny bit. That’ll be enough for her to try to slip through if she hasn’t managed to replace you by then. I’ve been here a long time and I’ve seen many stories about women who cheat. Those who do use sex to manipulate because it works more often than not. There’s no reason to think she’s any different. So when she shows up, keep that in mind. Hopefully, you’ll be strong enough to resist when it happens.


Oh yes most definitely. I've been a victim of that a time or two in my younger years. I'm not looking to meet up with her. That was all her saying that. But by the time she comes back for good I'll be squared away from her bs. I mean I am now but I'll be laughing about this when she does come back.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

marko polo said:


> As much as you would argue against this, she still has a hold over you. *She called and you not only answered but you had a conversation with her.* This isn't a victory. You did what she wanted regardless how you choose to dress it up.
> 
> I assume you feel that you lost nothing in the exchange and she gained nothing. This is incorrect. All information is valuable to a manipulator like your ex. What did you learn about her - nothing. More specifically no information that you can trust because it is coming from her.
> 
> ...


From that standpoint I can see that. I didn't think of it that way. Well I mean I'm on the right path but to stay on it I guess I'll have to go back NC completely.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

JayJay89 said:


> From that standpoint I can see that. I didn't think of it that way. Well I mean I'm on the right path but to stay on it I guess I'll have to go back NC completely.


Maybe you’re starting to understand but perhaps this will help. This is a battle and you are losing despite what you think. 
If she calls and you answer she’s winning. Even if you call her every name and use every swear word under the sun, because you answered she’s winning. 
So don’t answer.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

JayJay89 said:


> From that standpoint I can see that. I didn't think of it that way. Well I mean I'm on the right path but to stay on it I guess I'll have to go back NC completely.


Yes, you will have to back to NC if you 100% intend to move on. I didn’t do that for a very long time and I did myself no favors by not completely shutting down all lines of communication. What it says is that you (and I include myself in that) still care enough to communicate. It was only when I had zero interest in communication that I realized I was finally done. And IMO you’re not quite there yet and won’t be as long as you continue. More important, she knows that you aren’t.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You have a choice. You’ll either keep yourself in this or you won’t. Hopium is hard to shake for some.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Openminded said:


> Yes, you will have to back to NC if you 100% intend to move on. I didn’t do that for a very long time and I did myself no favors by not completely shutting down all lines of communication. What it says is that you (and I include myself in that) still care enough to communicate. It was only when I had zero interest in communication that I realized I was finally done. And IMO you’re not quite there yet and won’t be as long as you continue. More important, she knows that you aren’t.


Limbo is a self imposed state.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

JayJay89 said:


> When I made my initial update, it was to show how much and fast I have grown in these past few weeks without damaging myself with the support of everyone here. But I guess it back fired and now lots of people are "upset" at what I DID INSTEAD of HOW I felt after I did what I did as progress. Maybe I should've I just kept my mouth shut.


I got what you meant @JayJay89. 

But remember that the posters who are encouraging you not to pick up if she calls are trying to warn you about this stuff. It's not criticism. Far from it. 
You said they've helped you lots. They're still trying to help. 
They've got your back .


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, we are trying to help because we’ve been through very similar stuff. We know how it plays because cheaters are predictable. I’ve read many stories just like yours and I spent decades with a husband who was a serial cheater. If she can’t upgrade then she’ll likely be back and if you don’t make sure that door is completely shut you’ll regret it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

JayJay89 said:


> UPDATE!
> So....it's been a few weeks since all off this happened. I passed my fitness test for this government job and will start in August.
> 
> She called me last night...I'm not gonna lie to my supporters. I did answer...and we did talk after this brief period of NC. I felt at peace...like I didn't pine for her or even ask her what she was doing in between the time we didn't talk. Whatever she does from then, during and after this point is no longer my business. She apologized profusely and I accepted it...for me and forgave her...for ME. But it still doesn't change my views on her for what she did.
> ...


Change your phone number.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

JayJay89 said:


> Gotcha. I just gotta butter her up a lil bit and play that role lol.


Do you know anyone else that she is deployed with that you could contact to find out his info???


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

JayJay89 said:


> From that standpoint I can see that. I didn't think of it that way. Well I mean I'm on the right path but to stay on it I guess I'll have to go back NC completely.


Honestly, I don't see a problem with this short discussion to try and get closure for yourself. I DO hope it helped.
NOW, no more contact and live your best life!


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> Maybe you’re starting to understand but perhaps this will help. This is a battle and you are losing despite what you think.
> If she calls and you answer she’s winning. Even if you call her every name and use every swear word under the sun, because you answered she’s winning.
> So don’t answer.


I understand. I haven't spoke to her since then.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> Maybe you’re starting to understand but perhaps this will help. This is a battle and you are losing despite what you think.
> If she calls and you answer she’s winning. Even if you call her every name and use every swear word under the sun, because you answered she’s winning.
> So don’t answer.


I understand. I haven't spoke to her since then


jlg07 said:


> Honestly, I don't see a problem with this short discussion to try and get closure for yourself. I DO hope it helped.
> NOW, no more contact and live your best life!


It did help. Thank you for understanding.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

jlg07 said:


> Do you know anyone else that she is deployed with that you could contact to find out his info???


Not at the area she is in right now


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Yes, we are trying to help because we’ve been through very similar stuff. We know how it plays because cheaters are predictable. I’ve read many stories just like yours and I spent decades with a husband who was a serial cheater. If she can’t upgrade then she’ll likely be back and if you don’t make sure that door is completely shut you’ll regret it.


Thank you. I have moved on and started dating right now. I have started my new job this week and life is good.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Yes, you will have to back to NC if you 100% intend to move on. I didn’t do that for a very long time and I did myself no favors by not completely shutting down all lines of communication. What it says is that you (and I include myself in that) still care enough to communicate. It was only when I had zero interest in communication that I realized I was finally done. And IMO you’re not quite there yet and won’t be as long as you continue. More important, she knows that you aren’t.


I have and life is good.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

86857 said:


> I got what you meant @JayJay89.
> 
> But remember that the posters who are encouraging you not to pick up if she calls are trying to warn you about this stuff. It's not criticism. Far from it.
> You said they've helped you lots. They're still trying to help.
> They've got your back .


And I appreciate it. I have started my jobs well


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

JayJay89 said:


> Thank you. I have moved on and started dating right now. I have started my new job this week and life is good.


Good. Closure come from within. You won’t get that from her or anyone else.


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## JayJay89 (8 mo ago)

Update! I graduated from the NNSA Academy this week and my contract for 100K+ is secured. I have not talked to my cheating ex since then and I've been in my abundance mindset. She's long gone from my memory and I'm just doing me. I feel WAY more alive than ever. Thanks fellas and women for the help and insight.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

JayJay89

Report the OM to the inspector general. Keep reporting to higher and higher levels.

No pension for him, too bad so sad......


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Congratulations on your graduation. Keep moving ahead. If you ever were to run across her, ignore like she doesn't exist.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

JayJay89 said:


> Update! I graduated from the NNSA Academy this week and my contract for 100K+ is secured. I have not talked to my cheating ex since then and I've been in my abundance mindset. She's long gone from my memory and I'm just doing me. I feel WAY more alive than ever. Thanks fellas and women for the help and insight.


It’s good to see people that get it. Now you should be aware you didn’t lose much. Let her be someone else’s problem.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

JayJay89 said:


> Thank you so much! I've been talking to a few close people about this and I'm planning on trying to get professional help soon under assumption it gets worse. Initially I did felt so guilty but that's emotional Stockholm syndrome. But I told her I wasn't wrong AT ALL for how I felt and she was 100% at fault because I didn't NOTHING to deserve that treatment. Initially when I tried to talk about it she seemed like it was "upsetting" to keep asking questions about it and also said she didn't regret it although she's "remorseful" about it smh. But hey I live and I learn.


A few thoughts.

First, you have learned a harsh but valuable lesson on her commitment to you, or should I say a lack of commitment. 

Second, yes you are in emotional pain. Getting some professional counseling is a good idea. Is there a chaplain or source of counseling you can go to? This kind of thing is not unique to you. The military has resources to help you sort out your emotions.

It is important that you work through your pain and forgive her. You don't need to continue any kind of relationship with her unless you feel she has changed and wants to commit to a relationship with you. I doubt she is capable of doing that, but it could happen. Again as long as you stay angry at her, she will emotionally cripple you. For your sake and ultimate happiness, you need to move past your anger and pain. It may take time to grieve and get over it, but it is in your best interest.

Good luck. An be very careful about rebound relationships.


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